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JAMES  NICHOLSON 

TORONTO  CANADA 


I 


Presented  to  the 
LIBRARY  of  the 

UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO 


THE  ESTATE  OF  THE  LATE 
JAMES  NICHOLSON 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  JDNB  it,  1907. 


'  ' 


PUNCH 

Vol.  CXXXII. 
JANUARY— JUNE,    1907. 


PUNCH  o*  THE  LONDON  CHAHIVAHI,  JUNE  a«,  1907. 


LONDON : 
PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    10,    BOUVERIE    STREET, 


AND   SOLD   BY  ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 
1907. 


-•  •*•  f* 


pp 

PS 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


THE     START. 

YOUTH  AT  THE  PROW  AND  WISDOM  AT  THE   HELM. 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


. 


••WHKH     I     LAST     PUT     THIS     UNIFORM     ON." 
MJ.  "0-OB,  I  BAT!    L*r  ra  tins  TILL  TRA-TIME  !  " 


mr  », 


. 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


Irate  Dealer  (to  Dummy,  who  has  gone  Diamondt).  "  Do  TOO  CALL  THAT  A  DIAMOND,  SIR  ?     BECAUSE  I  CALL  IT  PASTM  !  ' 


/ 


BLACK   GAME). 

TllIS    IS   FlTZ-JoKES'g   IDEA   <>F   A    RKALI.Y  WARM    CORKER. 


Punch'*   AlmanacK   for    1907 


4>  I   It  OOHI  TO  DO 

«v  JiW.  "  WILL,  I  *ETM  IEAID 


00  ADD   DO   IT  aoMEWRBU   ELBE ! 


Punch's    Almanack    for     1907. 


Nurse.  "COME,  TOMMY,  QO  To  SLEEP.     IT'S  PAST  EIGHT." 

Tommy  (stuhlmnily).  "I  OAN'T."     (Then  relenting.)  "P'RAPS  I  CAN.     I  DO  SOMETIMES  WHEN  I  CAN'T  MOST.     DON'T  I    NURSE?' 

Nnrse.  ''WELL,  EVEN  IF  TOO  DON'T,  YOU  MUST!" 


"Ycif     IlKKK,    Ml     liKAlty        1     IIKVKIl    lol     WKItK    Al     K  I!  IXKKXFI  \l'    WIIII     I'iri:    HrsIHM'." 

"WiTii  MV  IlrsnvMi!      Mv  UK  MI  rini.n,  mi:  CIIIKK  PART  OF  MY  CURE  is  A  COVPLWB  CHANGE  OF  SOOIBTT." 

"  HUT  wot'i.nx'T  inrii  HfsiiAxn's  SOCIKIV  in:  A  CIIMPI.KTK  CIUXOE,  DEAR?" 


• — 

P..^tV»   AlmanacK   for    1907. 


THE     MISTLETOE     BOUGH 
>.*I«T  wnwacT  *  Pun. 


fa, it)   " Two-Si*.  Ihnv-     room. 

SawWdB-g-'V 

mark*".  Initial*."    (Dnut 


.- 


look* 


^fcther  Mr*  or  Miaa." 


^TK^  of  *  /.«*« 
tall*  for  no  comment. 


«  p 

,,rrun^,  Aim"//  comfortably  mth 
two  «ufcio»u,  and  JOM  (o  •'• 


ME 


lylovean* 

»e.Uttlebit.  latoodunderthemiatletoe 
fcr  half  an  hour  in  the  baU  Benaon  a 
jjnecer.  Very  cold  in  the  hall 
nobody  love.  yon.  Much  warmer 
(look*  AomyktfuU*  at  hit 
rberv  ahall  I 


I    in  .1  . 

/.'.   .      • 
's     hi-V      Stand* 


\Yliut  's  thi-V 


"  In 

Muriel 


(frtoJU* 


•w  where 


^fc«  o/  eiyarM+box 
^  tt^fcu  a  ««««•.  ' 


put  it  ? 


«• 


Thia  is  rrsilly 
Idon't 

know  anybody  .  .  .  unleae 
yon  count  Miaa  Carew,  and 
tkf  won't  look  at  me.  Yet 
that  girl  only  laet  year, 


he  room. 

She  tee*  him  in  the  tofa,  got*  up  to 
turn,  and  then  eatehe*  tight  of  the 
paper.  Got*  on  her  knee*  to  read 
k  She  frown*  at  firtt,  and  then 
begin*  to  laugh  softly  to  hertelf. 
She  unpin*  the  paper  and  take*  it  to 
the  de*k,  where  the  fill*  in  ti 
column.  She  lauyht  to  hertelf  all 
tl,f  time  the  urtle*.  When  tt  \* 
linittied  the  pin*  it  on  again.  Then 
'the  I  runt  orer  the  back  of  the  *ofa, 
and  look*  at  HIM.  PfeaBv  the 
ki**e*  tvo  of  her  finger*  and  put* 
them  on  hi*  lip*.  She  hurrie*  out, 
flopping  a  moment  to  knock  the 


let  me  call  her  May.  Won- 
derful '  1  found  out 
afterward*  her  name  waa 
MuheL  That  really  make,  it 
wonderful  that  ahe  let 
call  her  Ma>  //«  gate*  at  the 
AMMlopafo  fora  long  time,  and  then 
MHfeWy  btyin*  to  turn  it  round.)  M- 
M  M  here  we  are.  (Take*  out  a 
What  do  they  aay  about 
Theee  great  men  unbend 
perhaps  we  ahaU  find 

K  •     '  •      . 

bang  it.     Mjatletoe  —  VMOH*  album 
•tomoua      h'm     obovate  — yea. 

No.      No  help.      Everything  ie  going 

WTOU  lo-nignt     Weu  (getting 

ahall  leave  nothing  to  chanc*.    I  ahall 

'      i  J       I          I       II 


• 
• 


nyaatfboth  waya. 

it  on  th*  rlettne  light  oatr  the  «o/.< 

• 


doing  «o  ymnu   violently 
I  reaDy  abaO  go  to  akep.ana  men 
1  ahan't  know  what  luck  I  've  had. 
down  and  gate  to  trriling-deJt.     , 
»  r*lrr  am!  a  thrrt  of  paprr  and  begin* 
to  rttlf  «obam«.)      Let  '•  Me.      I  rappOM 

an  t«ii. 

-in  which    you  •  HWUC. 

late  natnrr  of    glove 
required.'  •  i*.  and  drain 


Encyclopaedia  volume  off  the  detk, 
II e  wake*  up  at  the,  noi»e. 
tie  rubbing  hit  eye*).  I  'm  sure  I  heard 
Bomething.     (Yawn*,  ttretche*,  and  so 
•lie  miftletoe  above  him.)     By  Jove ! 
Won, l.-r  if  1  'M>  caught  anything!  (Tear* 
off  the  paper  and  look*  at  it.)     Ix>rd  ! 
A  bite!     A  bite!     (Reading.)       Nature 
of  glove  required— Whit*- evening  ones." 
I;,  J.t    you   are       "  ^<"-     Nm.  -  '   .  .   . 
Nine*  .'.«  hi*  head.)    Nines  .  .  . 

la  that  much  or  little?    (Loo/ting  at  hit 
own  hand.)      What  do  .  .  . 

Ntnee  .  .  .  Twice  round  the  wi 
once  round  the  neck.    Twice  round  the 
neck  that  doean't    help.  .  .  . 

well.    I    suppose   it's   all    ri^ht. 
.ber  of  button*     Thirty  two 

•  •«.     Nines.     Thirty- 
:n'-  threes 

are  twenty^even.  .  .  .  Thirty-two.  .  .  . 
'Counting  on  hi*  am 

five,  six  ...  w  :  u|-  to  the 

\V.  11   anyhow 
•   •  Ili-mark* 

•    u      . .  •  •  . 

'I! 
ill,;/,/ if   )my. 

1'iii*  down  paper  and  look*  ruuwl  the 


M.      K.     '' 

Katha: 

Re-enter  MfRiKJ.  K  \ 

She  (stopping  tuddenly).  Ob,   1  didn't 
know  you  | 

//,-    .j,,,tti»<j   paper  behind  In*  back). 
Yes,  yes — here  l  am. 

.  Oh!     (Turn*  to  go.) 

H,-.    1     ^iy.     don't     leave     In.-.        I  m 
awfully  lonely. 

She'  Then  why  aren't  you  dan. 
//.-.  Because  everybody  else  is  dancing 
with    ev.-ryl.ody    «-l>e.    and     t 
love  me.     Only  half  an   hour  a«" 
saying  to  mywtt,  " Nobodv   lo\.-s  me." 
I  "said  it  just  like  that—"  Noliody  lo\.-> 
me."      And    l.-ok    here,   why   ha\. 
been  so  beastly  to  m-  ? 

Have  I? 

//.-.   Yes,  you  know  you  have.     Siinjply 
beastly!     And  only  last  rail,  d 

me  Jack. 

II? 

He.  Yes.  My  real  name 
is  Freddy,  you  know.  (./•  •"'- 
mtflif  "You  never  knew 
anybody  called  Jack,  did 
you  ? 

>Vi«   (firmly,   tliaking   her 

I  If.    No.    (Pleadingly      It 
a  common  name,  i*  it  ? 
S/ie.  One  never  hears  of  it 

D  M 

//,-.    No.     And  1  eall.-d  you 
..hi.rt      for       Muriel 
Katharine   Carew      and 
taki-    nines   in    gloves,    and 
you    want   thirty-two  buttons,   and    you 
think  1  'in  a  nan-lily  l>oy. 
She.  My  dear  Mr. 


He.  I  say,  do  call  me  Jack  a«ain. 

She.  You  think  1  take  nines  !  (Hold- 
ing out  li,-r  l«iwl.  -!»'/  /""A- in;/  "'  'I  > 
What  M/.-  do  i/""  take? 

//,-  l,,,l,li,i,j  out  III*  n,-tt  tn  I,,TI).  I 
-li..uld  think  about  .-i^hteens. 

.,  ;,,.,.  ,    ii,,,,'t    v..u  em  i-  l>ny 

gloves? 

//.•.  Ye>  ;  lint  the  man  ju.-t  runs  a 
tape  round  my  hand,  and  {plainiwelu) 
he  never  tolU  what  tin-  an-w.-r  i>. 

<>h.      Well.  I  tak.- live  and  a  half. 
//.-.    1  mj,  do  you   really?     Then  why- 
did   you  )nit    nine?      YOU'M-  ^|«.ih  your 

I    .-hall    ha\.- 
another  ..in-   uj)   for  you.      I'.y   the   way, 

-  really  our  dance,  so  we  OOght  to 

•  I,-    ,',n    the    sofa    together. 


//,    /,,-»/i/.-.-x  tii,'  paper  and 

Now  I  hen.     "  Nat  in- 
p-'iuin-d  "      white    evening     as     I 

.       and       a       half.'          Hlltt. 

.,-;    ,it    lie    <jl,,rf*   xi  • 
thr.-.-.  "  K.  marks?       Any     remark 
make  will    In-    Used    ill    e\  idei.. 
you  .  .  .  .    '  K. -marks      none"  .  .  .  Thank 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


you.  (Hands  her  the  paper  and  pencil.) 
Shop — forward — sign,  please.^ 

She  (kindly).  Thc'iv,  there !  Never 
mind  about  your  part  now.  I  expect 
you  '11  be  all  right  on  the  night  ...  It 's 
rather  a  jolly  dance,  isn't  it?  Which 
is  your  favourite  waltz  ? 

He  (getting  alarmed).  I  say,  this  is 
your  writing,  isn't  it? 

She  (taking  the  paper).  Am  I  to  read  it  ? 

He.  Yes,  please  .  .  .  You  see,  I  was  in 


He.  Of  course.  The  craftiness  of  it, 
to  pretend  it  was  a  C !  But  it  didn't 
i  deceive  us. 

She.  And  then  nines.  Why  should 
!  I  have  put  nines  ? 

He.  Why  indeed  ?  It  isn't  the  golden 
number  for  the  month,  or  anything. 

She.  And  thirty-two  buttons!  Who 
ever  heard  of  thirty-two  buttons  ? 

He.  Absurd !  Why,  if  one  couldn't 
hole  out  in  less  than  that 


and  put  "  Muriel's."     "  Size-  All  of  it." 
"Number  of  buttons."      This 
awkward.    What  can  you  suggest  instead 
of  buttons?     Something   in   the  same 
line  of  goods. 

She  (innocently).  Thimbles  ? 

//-•.  Thimbles  it  is.  Numbrr -one 
million.  "  Remarks — Starting  at  once." 
"  Initials—  F.  II.  L."  Now  won't  you  fill 
in  the  next  column  ? 

He   gives   her  the  pencil  and  paper. 


V 


THE     RED-HOT     COW. 

"On,  MUMMY,  IT'S  BURNT  ME!" 


the  sofa,  fast  asleep,  under  the  mistletoe. 
Most  compromising.  And  then  some 
fool  pinned  that  on  the  back,  and  I 
woke  up  and  found  one  column  filled  in. 

She  (examining  the  initials  carefully). 
I  see.  I  wonder  who  filled  it  in. 

He  (cheerfully).  Looks  like  M.  K.  C., 
doesn't  it  ? 

She.  That 'san  \. 

He  (nil-ill/  .  M.  or  N. 

She.  And  that  might  be  an  II. 

He  (sententiously).  Ah !  the  things 
one  might  be  !  Si  jeunesse  savait,  si — 

She.  And  as  for  the  C — 

He.  As  for  the  C— pooh!  That's 
what  I  say. 

She.  1  mean  it 's  obviously  an  O. 


She.  You  know,  I  expect  the  man  who 
pinned  it  on  filled  in  the  first  column 
himself. 

He.  No,  he  filled  in  the  second  column 
....  And  he  's  waiting  for  you  to  sign. 
The  merest  formality.  I  collect  initials. 

She  (doubtfully).  Of  course,  if  you 
collect  initials.  Hut  why  should  you 
Ljivr  me  gloves? 

He  (hopefully).  I  thought  we  'd  have 
the  reason  afterwards. 

She.  And  anyhow  I  don't  want  gloves. 

He  (taking  the  paper  from  her).  \  ou  're 
very  fractious  to-night.  Give  me  the 
pencil.  Now,  I  'm  going  to  alter  the 
whole  thing.  "  Nature  of  glove  re- 
quired." We  just  cross  out  the  "g," 


She  considers  for  some   time,  and  then 
begins  to  write. 

She  (as  she  writes).  "  Jack's  "  ..."  All 
of  it,  and  Freddy's  as  well "...."  One 
million  and  one."  .  .  . 

He  (prompting).  "  Starting  at  once  "- 
because  we  're  under  the  mistletoe,  and 
that  brings  luck  .  .  .  Bless  you.  Now 
the  initials,  and  do  be  careful  this  time . . . 
Oh.  what  a  splendid  M  ...  By  Jove, 
never  was  such  a  K  ...  I  say  though ! 
Is  that  a  C  or  an  L  ? 

She.  Sort  of  betwixt  and  between, 
Freddy. 

[She  looks  up  at  the  mistletoe;  then 
leans  back,  gives  a  little  sigh,  and 
doses  her  eyes. 


Punch's   AlmaoacK    for    1907. 

A  DAY  IN  A  VERY  SMART  COUNTRY  HOUSE. 


>  mt,   w»t.  k»t  w»    ••••>«J 
..I    of    l»..      Ck.rlU 
to 

I   •«    .pr..J    ill     tk« 

,„*     ky    tU    Joor    w    tk.t    .».r 

i  •  «io»».r.      W«  n»»ly  ro«r»J ! 


Att.r  br..li.A  w«  (ot  Vf  • 
»lk«n«  for  pn»««.  W«  w«»t 
OB  till  «v«rykoJy  k«J  «ot  •  prtM. 


^k\  VM     •  /  ^  Mr.    H..t..n  k.t  promi-d   to  (i 

XV  V^  '    *  *k«-a;...~l     krooA..    for 

\Jf-  .nd     gold     cig«r«««-e««t    for     t 

"twj'  j££j*' 


tk« 

.  H«  '•  •  J«c«ot  oU  tk>B« 
•  •J  knowi  k>l  pUc*.  It  w«»  (till 
pour.ntf  tit*T  lu»<3i  wkiuk.  I  iMp- 
|>OM.  »«J«  ul  «11  rttkir  grumpy  — 
uykow.  •  ntkcr  unpUw^nt  tk>»g 


wk«B    »U« 


•  •«  ».l.J    «o  C.f.1...  <!•   V.t.  |I«r<  k«r   r.tk.r  •  Duty  .m.cV  in  tk«  f« 
for  k«r.  kvt  tk«  »••  «H  »«>J  ik«  J«««rv«<l  it. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


A     DAY     IN     A     VERY     SMART     COUNTRY     HOUSE. 


How«v«r.  tningi  were  imootnc<l  <lown  Ana  w«  n.a  • 
very  cKc«ry  dinner. 


»ft«rwardj 
BriJg<  (wk«n 
I  'm  .fr.i J    I    lort 
ntKer    mor«    tkma 
P.p.  will    lit.  to 


follow.d  ty  .  merry  goodnigkt 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


.V«r  Ammd  at  Ott  Camlry  («*o  ku  «(tM  down  on  (Amwre  property).  "  llonoi',  ILunu.'   I  'VE  HAD  11O.  MT  WIRE  TAKK-.  Down.' 
J/  >'  W   -  AM.  vm  ooo*  or  toe,  I  'M  MTU.    Bor  wcWr  TOO  MP«  PIT  OPT?" _^^_^_ 


(10  J»0r-  .,;,.  «V«  ku  («.„  Wt.in.       '   J|»-    'I.   c.nsr.   AWAT  ?  " 

uumwnff!    Hi  u  a  KV  ,•,,,>,, 


BUT    Pi 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


Spokesman  of  Thruster  division  (iclio  hare  been  rather  pressing  on  hounds).  "  HE  's  GONE  DOWN  THAT  HEDGE-BIDE." 
Master.  "On!     WHY  DIDN'T  TOO  GO  AFTER  HIM?" 


.S/ic/7(cn/  (nitlii'f  di'ilf,  irho  hux  MCCH  tin-  fox).    "  'E  BE   GONE   TIIROUOn  THAT  THEEB  GAP." 

Huntsman.  "Dm  YOITH  noi;  CIIASK  HIM?"  Mu-plierd.  " 'E  BE  GONE  THROUGH  THEER." 

Huntsman.  "  BUT  DID  TOUR  DOG  CIIASK  HIM?"  She[>>ier<l.  "  THBOCGH  THEER!" 

Huntsman.  "Dm — TODR — DOG  -CIIASK    HIM?"  .S/ip/i/icn/.  "(in!     'E  BAIN'T  FEARED  o'  DOGS!     'E  SEES  TOO  MDCH  o'  TOORS!' 


Punch's   Almanac*   for    1907. 


THE    HIDING    DEVIL 
I  'n  ompied  with  heart  undaunted 

IS.  lajajdahoM  reputed  "haunted," 
And     tired     in     lodgings    badly 


I 'TO  known  my  Aldemeys  and  ban 

la  May  bewitched  of  milk  and  eggs. 
I'm  asaa  and  walked  and  talked  with 


If  I  lure  eyes  and  ears  and  legs. 


With  not  one  tremor  of  my  features 

I  have  deliberately  stepped 
O'er   door -matt  dim  where  coochant 


Yat  both  myself  and  dearest  Fanny 
.,-at  and  natty  as  you  please; 
You'll  therefore  own  as  quite  uncanny 

...     :;,..•••-.•-•••• 

A  o  were  going  out  to  dinner. 
And  maybe  just  a  trifle  pressed 
To  catch  the  7.15  to  Pinner, 
Yet  practically  almost  dressed— 

I  standing  in  my  shirt-front  speckles*, 
She  pinning  on  her  moss-rose  buds— 

When  Fanny  missed  her  diamond  neck- 
lace, 
And  I  my  only  decent  studs. 

"  My  opals,  dear,  are  simply  nowhere. 

Have  you  a  notion  where  they  are  ?  " 
To  which  she  only  answered,  "  0  where, 

Augustus,  is  my  diamond  star  ?  " 

I  saw  it,  love,  among  your  sables, 
Beside  your  photo  of  the  Prince, 
On  one  or  other  of  these  tables, 
It  can't  be  half  a  moment  since." 

Fhen  high  and  low  we  started  hunting 
As  swift  the  precious  moments  flew ;    i 

On  handsand  knees  I  grovelled,  grunting, 
With  tears  she  searched  her  treasures 
through. 

The  time  was  short,  the  time  grew  shorter, 
We  puffed,  we  panted,  we  perspired ; 
Our  clock  cuckoo'd  the  hour,  the  quarter ; 
1*8  to  our  friends  we  wired. 


The  can-el  tack  by  '-"-k  Wl'  lif"M>- 

An. I  und.-rn.'Uth   it  jK-.-r.Ml  ami   pried, 

in* shook,  th* cinders  Mfted; 

The  studs  and  star  our  search  defied. 

Ami  hour  by  hour  we  prosecuted 

.1  .piost,  yet  hour  by  hour  i"  vain. 
Till  twelve  o'clock  our  cuckoo  fli. 
And  to  renounce  it  we  were  lain. 

Pill,  as  the  candle  in  its  socket 

while  folding  up  our  .lu.ls. 
I  found  h.-r  necklace  in  i. 
She  in  her  flounces  found  my  studs. 


Their  horrid,  headless  vigil  kept : 
And    watched    a  bookcase,  stout    and 


Unmoor  ilsalf  and  mount  the  stair, 
AM!  smiled  to  sw  from  off  the  table 
My  dinner  ssrrios  take  the  air. 

Yet  is  there  one  strange,  diabolic 
Oonfusw  of  my  h- 


Then  diving  down  into  the  larder 

snatched  a  lightning  snack  of  food, 
And  once  again  with  desperate  ardour 
Our  agonising  quest  pursued. 


8mg»  and  cyniosl  by  turns. 

Aad  if  you'll  draw  a  little  nearer, 
I  II  whispsr  yon  his  evil  fame, 

Bun  you  're  a  sympathetic  hearer- 
-TW  HidiM  iHwfl  is  ais  i 


I  cannot  daim  a  bump  of  order, 

The  kind  that 's  known  as  apple-pie. 
I  'm  o'  •«  an  accurate  recorder 

>nd  button,  hook  and  eye; 

For  these  let  others  crawl  their  druggets, 
\\  ith  craning  necks  and  straining  eyes, 

8och  thrifty  habita  I  despiaa. 


A  score  or  more  of  such  like  cases 

I  could  have  easily  adduced, 
Where  well-known    things    from   well- 
known  places 

Have  'neath  my  very  nose  vamoosed. 

Of  these  example  on  example 

I  might  promiscuously  pile. 
But  let  us  close  with  just  one  sample 

In  our  own  demon's  smartest  style. 

The  Hiding  Devil  gets  an  inkling 
Some  non-teetotal  guests  are  near. 

Well !  Up  they  drive  nnd  in  a  twinkling 
Your  cellar  key  will  disappear. 

For  wine  you  seek  the  nearest  gn>cer, 
Though  bad  's  the  best  of  all  hi- 
^uests  are  gone.    On  I  *  >k  in^ 

The  key  i«  in  the  cellar  door. 


uk  it?     Why,  the  Hiding  Devil. 
Who  put  it  liaek  ''.     The  lii-n<l,nf  e. 

Who  jH.-itively  Heems  to  < 
In  every  kind  of  slim  rc»oi  • 

•nder  then  this  diabolic 
fu-.-r  of  all  h.  rn> 

tu.ike  in.-  mad  and  inelaix-holic, 
and  cynical  by  turns. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


A    SCHEME    FOR    FURTHER    ARMY    RETRENCHMENT    AND    REFORM. 
THE  WAR  OFFICE  ro  PURCHASE  GRAMOPHONES.    MASSED  GRAMOPHONES  AND  MASSED  BANDS  TO  PARADE,  AND  THE   BANDS  TO  PLAT   EVEBY- 

THINO  THEY     KNOW     INTO  THE    QRAMOPRONE3,   AND    IMMEDIATELY   DISBAND.        REGIMENTAL   PETS  TO   BE    EMPLOYED  AS  SUGGESTED    IN    ILLUSTRATION. 

N.B. — THE  LEAST  EXPENSIVE  DRUMMER-ROY  TO   BE   RETAINED  TO  TURK   ON   OR  orr  THE  GRAMOPHONES  AS  THE  GRAMOPHONE-MAJOR   IN  THE 

FOREGROUND   MAY  COMMAND.        THE   LATTER  IS   PERHAPS  AN   EXTRAVAGANCE   AND   MIGHT  BE   DISPENSED   WITH. 


Sportsman  (who  has  been  shooting  the  day  before,  and  dices  badly).  "  T'OTHER  GUN,  IDIOT-  <juici !  OB  HE  "u.  GET  AWAY  nrro  THE  BPUWBT  !  " 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


THE    JEALOUSIES    OF    ART. 
•nu  Honu  TO  A  MCTTT  vnauvu.  a  m  TmuT«i<  u   W.»i.n. 


See.  here  is  GEORGE. 
He  is  iea-lous, 
be  -cause  HER-BERTS. 


The  -a-  (re 


is 


than  nis. 

So  he  is  go-ing  to 

throw  up  his  Part  and 

s ing  Fun- ny  Songs  through 

his  Nose  at  the  Hal  Is. 

His  Clothes  will  cost 

him  less. 

But  he  will  not  look 

50  Well  Bred. 


X^ 


,ct  us  sec  what  JOHN  is  do-ing. 

JOHN  used  to  paint 
Portraits  of  all  the 
Grand  Peo  pie.  But 
he  found  that  the 
Pho  to  graph 
er  could  take 
Like  ness  es 
quick  er  than 

he  could.  So 
he  got  sulk-y 
and  turned  it  Up. 

Now  he  thinks 
hewill  learn  Pol  i 
tics  and  be  a  Cab 
m-et  Mm  is  ter. 
How  Gau-dv  and 
Genteel   hewill 
look! 


•^  t>  '  S~~~' 

think  it  is  be-cause  they  havelP 


putElL-A-LINES 
Pho-to  graph 
in  the  Tooth 

IStuffAd 
vert-  ise 
ment, 
and 

left  her 
out. 

Sheh 

giv- 

up 

her 


^^  ^ ..  6~g~  ment  and  has 
be-come  a  Shriek-ing  Sis-ter. 
She  isgb-ing  to  make  it  Red  Hot 
forrtis-ter  AS-QI/ITH  . 

^          '  __ , 


itisAL-GER-WONi 

He  is  cross  be-cause 
one  has  giv-en 
ALFRED  some 
Lau-rels  for 
writ-ing  J\>-et 
ry.WhataSh 
Ne-ver  mind 
he  has  gone 
in  for  Golf 
now,  and 
is  go-ing  to 
win  the  Cham 
pi  on -ship. 
Look,  he 
has  just  done 


turn, 
some- 


ig-  Hole 
in  One 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


THE    JEALOUSIES    OF    ART. 

'CERTAIN  STARS  SHOT  MADLY  FROM  1111:111  MIIKRKS." — Sh 


hat  can  be  the  mat-ter  with     A  A  Tlio  is  this  cry-ing-?  I  bel-ieve  it 
THOMAS  Here  ?    He  does  not    V  V  js  CHARLES.  He  feels  bad  be- 


like BER-NARD 
wear-ing"  the 
same  co-loured 

Hair  as  his  own. 
See,  he  has  left 
offwrit-ing,and 
be-come  a^5tron£ 
Man.   He  can 
lift  Can-non 
Balls  and  Things. 
HowMan-lyand 
Stren-u-ous  he  is! 
EUGEN  will  be  sick. 


Q> 


ook  at  BERNARD  .  How 

strange-Jy  he  b 
haves !  Is  he  Dot-ty  ? 
No.-  but  he  could  not 
beartoQsee  GEORGE 
wear-ing  r 
such    ° 
love- 
ly Trou- 
sers, 
while  his 

all  Bacr-gy.  So  he  has  got 
some  Span-gles  and  has 
Bro-ken  out  as  a  Jugg-ler 
Here  he  is  ba-lan-cing 
Tilings  all  over  Him-self.E4UL 
will  have  to  pull  his  Socks  up. 


cause  his  \\aist  is  not  so 
small  as  CA-MILLE'S 

He  is  try-ing  to 
earn  his  Liv-ing1 
asaPi-an-ist. 
Look, he  has 
rown  his 
lair  long,  for 
he  will  have  to 
give  a-way  fiec-es 
of  it  to  the  La  dies  at  the 
Con-cert.  That  will  make 
PAD  DY  Sit  Up. 

Ah,  here  is  HERBERT. 
*•  Is  he  Down-heart- ed?, 
They  have  made 

pright-jyCHARLES  a 
Knight,  that  is  why.  So 
he  has  turned  Po-et.  Is 
he  not  Sin-u-ous?  He  is 
go-ing  to  La-die  out  the 
An-a-pa*sts  so  Thick  that 

AL-GER-NON'S  Heart  will  fcreal 

Perhaps 
they  will  make 
him  a  Lord 
then. 


ure-ly  this  must  be  AN-DREW. 
But  why  does  he  wear  such 
short  Knick-ers?  He  isjea-lous 


be-cause[_  _ 

VlC-TOR-1  A'S  Books  are" 
Free-er  than  his;  so  he  has 
be-come  a  .Mud-died  Oaf. 

Rl/D-DYwill  hc]1ad  when 
he  finds  out. 


Punch's   Almanach   for    1907. 


THE    RETURN     OF    DICK    TURPIN. 


Punch's    Almanac K    for     1907. 


THE    ANTI-VIBRATION    TREATMENT. 

F"l(    I  .    A   MOTOB-BCS   ROUTE.) 


A    DRAWING-BOOM    BEFORE   TREATMENT. 


THE  SAME  AFTER  TREATMENT. 


HOW    TO    POPULARISE    THE    BRITISH    MUSEUM. 
["  Visitors  to  the  British  Museum  are  falling  off." — Daily  Paper.} 


Willing  Matcnes  in 
Reading  Room  Gallery. 


Egyptian    1  ca-roon 
Popular  Priecc. 


Skating  in  Corridor  of        -^--^^  ^ 
Imperial   Bull*.  • 


(B9  ~r  Ckar,*an«y  ArtuH 

«  OOM>  morning.  Sir,"  amid  a  barber  to 
on  one  «f  our  blackest  a  * 

agree,"    amid    the 


fQfJQPliUKuBU         IAJ         uitii'i 

authoritv  in  uniform,  at  once  emptied   "inter. 

.     ;      •-.      .,    :     .    ...      .--     ,:.••-..-     I       •  ft*      !•     i-'1 


One  of  the 
dieooncerting 
denu  that  can  hap- 
pen   to  a  let' 
occnrml  the  other 

laamed  genllonan 
who  waa  readina 
the  paper  wae  wen 
under  way,  a  man 
»t  the  back  of  the 
hall  complained 
that  he  could  not 
hear,  whereupon 
a  number  ol 
member*  of  the 
audience  jumped 
up.  and  offend  to 
change  aeata  with 
him. 


year,    ac- 

:      •  .    '      '     •    ':      -' 

ma-  -ral. 

• 

.-.  . 

by  the  Port  Office 
in  thia  country, 
which  repreeenU 
62  letters  for  ererr 

|p^n     »r»na«i    child, 

and  baby  in  the 
country."  Xum- 
benof  foolish  peo- 
ple are  writing  to 
aay  that  they  did 
not  receive  any 
thing  like  the 
number  of  letten 
mentioned,  and 
•  '  ; 

tbr  Port  Office. 

Our    language 

. .        •     • 
insuperable 
diffirulliea    to    the 
fcnigner  with  the 
be*  intentions.    A 


who,  on  being  told 
by  an  Engliah  lady  friend  that  ahe 
not  feeling  very  well,  remarked.  " 
you  are  UMooking."  u  Mill  at  a  loa 

• 


has    again    l>een    put 
orward   that    all 
lemliers  of    I'arlia- 
lent    shall  wear  a 
istinctive   uniform 
i    order     to    make 
lem    more    impos- 
\Ve      lielieve 

his    is   done    in 

'nine.',  for  we  met 
be  other  day.  in 
lie  streets  of  1 
n  individual  in  an 
bviously  official 
oatnme,  and  \\\^ 
iat  bore  the  word 
'Gaz." 

The  fact  that 
luffs  are  coming 
nto  fashion  a^ain 
eads  an  illiterate 
:ontemporary  to 

make  the  remark- 
ible  statement  that 
i  really  pretty 

woman  never  looks 

so  well  as  with  an 
•'.li/al>ethan 

round  her  neck. 


It  is  said  that,  as 
nation,  we  are 
Becoming  tlal>l>y. 
Siine  colour  is  lent 
to  this  statement  )>y 
notice  in  a  slu>i> 
window : 

made  to  suit  all 
figures,  with  remov- 
able bones." 


The  use  of  gloves 
by  burglars 
creasing.     Any 

thin-;,   we   sii] 
whieh    wives    them 
a  more  gentlemanly 
appearance  is  to  !»• 
welcomed. 


Is  ti]>i>iiiK  on  the 
incn  entle- 

man.  who   had    had 
|..-nny   cup   "f 
,-e   at  a  restau- 

I nortec,  pleading  earnestly  that  he  mi«h t    nut.  gave  the  waiter  a  M.vrein.     Not 
be  allowed  to  retain  sufficient  for  !  ing  the  expected 

'  '  f,,»-    it  "    I      luxr      \-(.nr      n 


»  tut*  Itf*  tandfd  a  glaM  a/  valrr  la  root  tu*  mouth,  to  dentint  . 
'UC'f  't> 


urn  journey. 


r chnnge,he  a-k.-d 

for  it.      "I  lx>^  your   pardon.  I    thought 
that  was  for  me,"  said  the  waiter. 

».«.7    »,^^.v^  „.    „....    .„    ^  The  Sim-et  t  inn  had  just  been  fired. 

preeaed  into  *•  •  Why.  what  was  that?"  asked  an  ol<l 

as  to  th-  '  with  lady  of  a  fisherman.  "Snn^-t."  eame 

which  a  (n-rtain  coat  was  lined  was  the  answer.  "  Well."  said  the  old  lady, 

(•in .  •uuuia  uciiiwu  yniitnin-i-  frankly  informed  by  a  young  shop  astonished.  "  it  's  the  first  time  I  have 

travelling  (or  the  first  time  in  an  assistant  that  it  was  real  M  :  ln-<tr<l  it  set." 


• 


• 

:.    ,".  •  .     •     •  .',••. 

in  ral  id  would  aoon  be  up-eet  again. 

another  German   gentleman 


Such  is  the  deman  r  fur  coats 

that    every  species  of    skin    is    Iwin- 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


TO     CHRISTINE. 

(A  Quinquennial  Address  from  her  Uncle.) 

Mv  dciir,  when  you  were  half  your  age, 
(L''S  into  10?)  a  good  while  back, 

I  wrote  about  you  on  a  page 
Of  Mr.  Punch  'a  Almanack. 

How  you  are  gaining  on  me  quick  ! 

Your  years  were  then  £  of  mine, 
I  iui  Time,  who  does  arithmetic, 

I  Ins  made  the  ratio  2  to  9  ! 

And  now  that  o'er  your  shining  head 
Tli  is  second  lustre  (if  you  know 

What  lustres  are)  has  been  and  fled 
Into  the  Land  of  Longago  — 


since  you  somehow  failed  to  get 
Those  earlier  verses  off  by  heart, 
I  '11  make  you  up  another  set. 

So  that's  the  Preface.     Here  we  start  ! 


Dear,  as  I  see  you  nice  and  small, 
Agile  of  leg  and  sound  of  lung, 

And  rather  wistfully  recall 

What  it  was  like  to  feel  so  young, 

When  grown-ups  seemed,  in  taste  and 
size, 

Removed  from  me  immensely  far — 
I  often  ask  with  vague  surmise 

How  old  you  think  we  really  are. 

Sometimes  I  fancy  you  behave 
As  if  you  found  us  past  repair — 

One  foot  already  in  the  grave, 
The  other  very  nearly  there ! 

Then  you  are  wrong,  and  you  must  try 
To  take  a  more  enlightened  view  ; 

You  're  not  so  much  more  young  than  I, 
Nor  I  so  much  more  old  than  you. 

!''or.  though  you  have  the  supple  joints 
That  go  so  well  with  childhood's  mirth, 

In  certain  elemental  points 

You  are  the  age  of  Mother  Earth. 

And  while  it's  true  I've  ceased  to  hop 
Out  of  my  bed  at  peep  of  dawn, 

Have  lost  the  weasel's  power  to  pop, 
Nor  can  outrun  the  light-foot  fawn, 

Yet  otherwise  I  'm  far  from  old ; 

The  words  I  use,  so  long  and  queer, 
ily  manner,  stern,  abrupt  and  cold — 
• "  All  this  is  just  pretence,  my  dear. 

As  when  you  act  your  nursery  plays, 
And  ape  your  elders'  talk  and  looks, 

So  I  have  copied  grown-up  ways 
Either  from  life  or  else  from  books. 

But  in  my  heart,  its  hopes  and  fears, 
Its  need  of  love,  its  faith  in  men, 

I  yet  may  be,  for  all  my  years, 
As  young  as  little  girls  of  ten. 

0.  S. 


EPISODE  I-         ?wst"  .A|>f>la*aMrt 


THE    CHATSWORTH    PAGEANT. 

(Suggested  ly  historical  performances  at  Sherbornc,  \Vancick,  and  eltetchere.) 


D< 
cc.  -ukM' 

VT,  fc, 


•EPlSOL 


•  EPISODE  DT    "Wily*w»  it 


<li5f 


(a*    N   Yt 


! 


, 


•sffBI 

-3^1 


E 


/ 


BODOER    AND    THE    EDITOR. 

ii    i-.    in    my  opinion,   a   man   of 
.,;ll|y  'cll.vt.  tint    he   mjt  tliat 

the    dllTieulty    he    eiieuiin: 

,,,,t    ,  •  in    an    adroit    and  easy 

manner. 

The  (allowing  incident    i-  a   trivial 
one,  but  1  narrate  it  because  I  ihaold 

like   to   know    if    anyone    ean    think    of 
anything   that    HodgtT  nuil.l   hav, 
lie  him>elf  always  maintains   that    there 
is  a  proper  mot  for  every   l,.i\.  taking, 
only  he  can  so  seldom  tind  it. 

It  was  like  this :  he  had  taken  a 
manuscript  poem  round  to  the  oilice  of 
a  monthly  magazine,  and  was  shown 
into  a  room  where  a  weary-looking  man 
was  sitting  at  a  table  in  his  si 
counting  some  postage  stamps  —  the 
Editor,  it  appeared. 

Bodger  put  on,  he  tells  me.  the  rather 

menacing  air    he  always    adopts    with 

editors,   and  said,  in   a  firm    and    I  .ml 

one  of  voice,  "Good  afternoon  ;    1  have 

>rought  you  a  little  poem." 

The  Editor  hurriedly  concealed  his 
stamps,  leaned  back  with  a  gentle  sieji, 
and  stared  blankly  at  Bodger.  Then- 
was  an  interval  of  dreadful  silence,  and 
then  he  said,  "  Read  it  out  M  me." 

So  Bodger  sat  down  and  read  it.     I 
don't  remember  the  words  <|uite  aeeu 
rately,  but  it  was  a  neat  little  thing,  all 
about  autumn : — 

"  O  !  autumn  leaves,  why  will  ye  fall  ? 

tumn  winds,  why  do  you  -(nail  ? 
Why  do  the  something  sonicili  • 
Pale,  ghostly  somethings  of  the  spring ? ' 

I  know  it  went  somehow  like  that. 

Well,  when  llodger  had  tini-hed  read 
ing  it  he  looked  at  the  Kditor.  and   the 
Editor  looked  at  him  in   an  abstracted 
sort  of  way,  until  Bodger  thought   hi- 
was  in  a  trance. 

However,  he  roused  himself  presently. 
and  began  to  paint  patterns  on  the  table 
with  a  paste-brush. 

"  It 's  not  very  good,"  he  said. 

Bodger     quietly    put    the    maim 
down  on  the  table,  and  there  w.is  another 
aching  silence. 

"  Well,  what  are  we  to  do  alnmt  it?  " 
said  the  Kditor  at  last,  in  a  pn/./led 
sort  of  way. 

t    and     pay    for   it."    replied 
Bodger  playfully. 

The   Kditor  (hough!    a  moment  ;   then 

he    Ope I  er     in    his    table    and 

took  out  a  stick  ..f   -ealinir-waN.  a   chain- 


CHAT8WORTH     PAGEANT 


. 

pa«ue  c..rk.  a  t  -it-h.  and  tinally 

•hilling  |,ieec-.     .linl^'eof  HKI^IT'H 
li-'d     delight     when     this    goodly 
coin  was  i.-n'l.  r.  <l  to  him. 

The  rat,'  of   I'ayment  was   not  hjgfa,  to 

U-  -nr.. .  but  tlii-n.  a^  In-  -anl.  the  general 

|  rule   with   monthly  ; 
their  contributor-,  the  >,-ar  after  i 

And    for    on,-,-    In-    ^ot    off    the    ri^ht 
wirt  of  n-niark  at  parting.       With  a  little 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


l)u\\-  he  said,  "  lii n  ilnl  I/HI  !•/'/(»  ,lnl."  and 
ran  down  the  stairs  and  out  into  the 
Strand,  in  such  a  glow  of  pleasurable 
elation  that  lie  felt  lie  must  give  himself 
a  little  treat.  So  he  went  into  a  phice 
where  they  sell  alleged  champagne  Oil 
draught,  and  ordered  a  : 

lie  must  have  been  feeling  really 
skittish,  for  he  threw  down  his  crown- 
piece  and  said,  "There  goes  the  last  of 
the  family  plate  !  " — knowing,  of  course, 
that,  new  jokes  are  bad  form  in  a  high- 
class  bar. 

While  he  drank  his  wine  the  barmaid 
walked  away  towards  one  of  those  opu- j 
lent  machines,  the  kind  that  looks  like 
a  typewriter  and  isn't  one,  but  stopped 
halfway,  and  then  returned  to  him  ;  and 
he  says  she  seemed  quite  stuffy  as  she 
offered  him  his  crown-piece  again. 

"  What 's  that  for  ?  "  he  asked  rather 
blankly. 

"It's  a  bad  one,"  says  she,  looking 
a  hundred  miles  beyond  him ;  and  she 
waited,  leaning  against  the  counter. 

There  was  a  stern,  massive  specimen 
of    manhood   meditating   in    the   back- 
ground  by   the   patent  till ;  so  Bodger  j 
did  not  argue,  but  paid  his  reckoning 
with  some  coppers  he  had  reserved  for 
two  evening   papers  and   his  bus   fare  : 
home — all  he  possessed  at  the  moment,  I 
for   he   had   been   disappointed    in   the 
City  earlier  in  the  day. 

Then  he  returned  to  the  magazine 
office.  The  office  boy  had  presumably 
been  sent  out  to  fetch  tea,  for  Bodger 
was  able  to  reach  the  Editor's  room  with- 
out interference. 

Again  the  Editor  looked  hard  at  him, 
and  then  folded  his  arms  and  leaned 
back  in  his  cliair. 

"  About  that  five-shilling  piece,"  began 
Bodger. 

"Well?  "says  the  Editor  in  a  tired  voice.  | 

"  I  'm  afraid  — er — there  's  something 
the  matter  with  it,"  says  Bodger. 

"  Well?"  says  the  Editor  again. 

"  It 's  a  bad  one,"  explained  Bodger. 

The  Editor  raised  his  eyebrows  a 
fraction  of  a  millimetre,  and  looked  at 
Bodger.  harder  than  ever. 

"  Well  ? It 's   a  bad   poem," 

says  he. 

That' s  all.  Bodger  stood  gaping  at 
the  Editor  for  a  long,  long  while,  think- 
ing deeply,  but  somehow  he  couldn't 
think  of*  the  right  thing  to  say.  So  he  ' 
jammed  his  hat  fiercely  on  his  head  and  i 
went  out,  as  he  tells  me,  heavily  and 
awkwardly,  looking  like  a  born  ass.  He 
still  feels  that  there  was  a  retort-  that 
would  have  enabled  him  to  march  out 
with  all  the  honours  of  war;  but,  after 
all,  what  foiild  he  have  said  ? 


A  MUCH  needed  work,  entitled  Names 
forBahif.  has  made  its  appearance.  When 
one  has  been  kept  awake  night  after  night 
by  a  squalling  infant  one  is  often  at  a 
loss  to  know  \\hat  to  call  the  child. 


M 


THE    CHATSWORTH     PAGEANT. 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


A  nut «•  Voting  lady-  "  HERE  conn  CATTAO  BLODOERS.    1  REALLY  MOT  PAINT  THAT  MAM  !  " 
FrimJ  ••  WHY  ?    HE 'i  AROTT  THE  CQLIEBT  LITTLE  OUTSIDER " 

"H.   I   »\c.»       Itrr  UK'-  SH-H   A   IMVKIY  BIT  or  C.II..H-R  " 


-V  If^Vr.  .  T0»tY   KXE*   HOW   TIRED   I    (1ET   of  SATIKO   '  I)OX'T '   ALL  DAT    I 

'•'•••      -        •    i  tnur  i    »•    .   , ,   ,   ,    y. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


Visitor.  "Now,  IF  I  WERE  WELL  ENOUGH  OFF,  THAT  is  A  PICTURE  I  BHOOLD  NOT  BUY!" 


'Amj  tin  HiiriiKj-lhtii  I'fitlcrntii-f  of  x/nrit»).   "'ARK!      'ARK!      "ARK!" 

M.F.H.  " THANK  YOU,  tSm.     WIIKN  TOO'VE  QCHK  HMSHED  CAKOL-SIXUING,  I'LL  ao  ON  HI  •• 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1907. 


WOMAN'S    TRIUMPH     IN    THE     PROFESSIONS. 


1CEDICINE. 

Ftnt  taJy  DattOT    "  Re   II  RLKEMXO   HOW,  AMD   18  rFKTAIXl.Y    lECOYEIIXO.      HE   PROPOSED  To   ME  THIS    HORSING." 

.  "l»pm>!     HE  WA«  Ptn»ABLT  BELIE 


/W».W^W,,r     «W»t    I 

, 


LAW. 

•  "mur  *n  i 

Hi  i   . 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


WOMAN'S    TRIUMPH    IN    THE    PROFESSIONS. 


CHEMISTRY. 


First  Lady  Dispenser  (making  up  a  prescription).  "  THERE  SEEMS  SOMETHING  WRONO  HERE  !  " 
Second  Lady  Dispenser.  "Yes;   I  THINK  ANOTHER  FEATHER  WOULD  IMPROVE  IT  VERT  MUCH." 


DENTISTRY. 

Assistant  Lady  Dentist.  "  HOLD  OK  !     I  'LI.  RING  FOR  MOKE  BELT  !  " 


crowds.    In  order  t  ucceas- 


,n  crowd*.    in  oraer  u> 
A    NEW    STAGE    ACADEMY.    , 


has  learns  hia  part  with  the  lamb. 

'          :  '  - 

oantly  fell  to  us,  of  attendin, 


uiU    a 

afeia^rrepraeent^  at  the  Chalk  Farm  academy,  can  f 

iMrnction  that  >->  imnMed  In-  the  inu-lbjp-nt  interest 

' 

of  the  leas  intelligent  or  more  self 
flsBtred 


;     r 


be  impressed  by  the 

_„_    with  which  the  progress  of  a  human 
Aberdeen  dialogue  can  be  followed  by  these  dumb 
,  *~.~ualy  lack,  yet    intensely    apprehensive    creatures. 
-™B«,  has  agreed,   n.*    Ihiring  the  hero'a  declaration  of  passion 
oh  [iiolnasinnil  critk»  like  Mr  hen -in.-  we  noticed  an  expression 

V        V,       .  ,         -       -  -  •     •  -.:-..---  ,-.-,.. 

•ami    intruders   as   Mr.   \  :>i*-n  it  would  puwde  our  most  gifted 

warm  from  inspection  olLaUiio 

Bonduer  that  the  Drnry  Lane       11,-rr   Treeth  is  prepared  to  supply 
TV    Bondman  (by    a  j  buna  suitable    for    any    play    in   any 
t  tongue  -carefully -instructed   bears  to 


-• 
v 


<       • 
recall) 


for  the 

• 


been  lend  local  colour  and  a  sense  of  illusion  to 


s  whimsical 

^^^^^       ^^ from  the 

bat  the  recant  failure  of  2V  Girt  from  French  ,"  polar  bears  for  arctic  scenes  at 
.famea*  at  the  Satiety 
Theatre  waa  due  quit* 
aa  much  to  the  ill-con- 
sidered antic*  of  the 
jerboa  aa  to  any  weak- 
ness either  in  the  music, 
diab«ue.  or  lyrics  of  the 
thirteen  collaborator*. 

The  actor  -  manager 
being  notoriously  ready 
to  learn  wherever  in- 
struction may  be  picked 
op.  either  from  the  man 
in  the  street.  Tin  Daily 
Mail,  or  bitter  experi- 
ence. •  meeting  of  these 
jenllMtiBn  wan  recently 
held  at  the  Zoo.  by  the 
courtesy  of  Dr.  Chalmers 
MitcheO.  in  a  disoaad 
of  theftnaUCaU 
where  it  waa  de> 


S«  iinifli  f-T  cows.      ll>  ''••  '" 

quet.,  i-anii-r   1"   ..l't:iin 

UMII«   jn-  '. 

ur.     Plays  with 

[ways  tin'  I 

ire  not  BO 

alty   with   tlu-in   in    theatres, 
.....  .luliu,  'I'n-.'lh  infdrin-  OS,  i~  ' 

them  out  nf  tin-  auilitoriiiin.  many  of  them 
at  oncemakiiiK 

-Mill-lit    l>f    till-    up 

the  ooneternatkm  ol  tin-  si.  ill-  A* 
iinytliiiiK  likfly  t"  pr.-juilici-  an  auilu'iio- 
against  a  tlnMtn-  is  unpopular  with  miHiar 

HerrJuliusTrecth  1. 
to  arrange  for  a  liarU-d-uirr  • 
Btretched  from  one  siili-  »f  tin-  i.ros<-i-ninin 


other.      Few 


liavti   been 


. 
known  to  li-aj.  this,  but,  \vhm-  they  have, 

.  V  __  ..U_MJ.A«'M        «n*n>\4  i.  irt  w         V»Q  VO        '»  IT  1  1(  W^t. 


the  composer's   intentions 

invariahly  suffered. 


.ilmoet 


tided  that  at  the  earliest  possible  moment   DruryLane;  llamas  for  ThiMan  trnves- 

i — i.i  u_  jjgg .  ofcapig  for  extravaganzas  from  tlic 
Soudanese;  and  even  giant  sloths 
(specially  trained  by  Professor  Ray  Lan- 


a  dramatic  acbool  for  animals  should  be 
established.  •imiUr  in  aim  to  Mr.  Tree's 


iamous  academy  in  Oower  Street  With 
the  leading  lighta  of  the  theatrical  profes- 
sion u>  think  i*  to  act  (even  if  the  con  verse 
ia  only  too  seldom  the  case),  and  the 


.  •  -  •     . 

._  _.  _  —...». . 

• 

The  training  of  animal*  for  the  stage 
ia  of  coarse  no  new  thing ;  bat  in  two 
revpccta  llerr  Julius  Treeth  ckima  to 
b»  an  innovator:  in  the  diversified 
range  of  creatures  that  he  ia  prepared 
• 


••     • 

•Ik  Farm  to  what  may  be  called 
the  fturmtb.  In  the  old  days  even  in 
TV  /{nrnJMan.  the  salphnmus  drama  at 
Drury  Une  (Hy  the  author  the  baa  of 
whn**>  name  ao  bothers  as)-  «l 
had  an  animal  on  the  stage  it  wa«  alone. 
onk»-  -•<«.  as  in  a  previoii- 

inph  by  the  same  hand,  it  was 
a  fWk  of  she. 
art  himself  the  taak  'n«  animal* 


kester )  for  Patagoman  problem  plays. 

Fashions  of  course  will  change,  but 
for  the  moment,  inspired  no  doubt  by 
the  success  of  The  Bondman  (odd  how 
the  author's   name  erodes  us!), 
with  a  strong  vaccine  interest  are  un- 
doubtedly, as  the  saying  is,  in  the  air. 
The   demand    for  COWR 
but  the  school  has  n»  doubt  that  it  will 
be  able  to  cope  with   it.      Plays  with 

•• 

no  fewer  than  five  West  Knd  theatres, 
Mr.  Alexander,  ever  en  • 


A  MARTYR  TO  OOUT. 

ONCE, with  a  constitution 

scomiiiK 
The  signs   that  lead 

dira-t  to  gout, 
I   laughed  to   hear  the 
solemn  warning, — 
Be  sure  your  liinswill 

find  you  out! 
But  now  I  know  those 
"  beaded  bubbles  " 
Were  "winking"  with 

their  other  eye, 
And  all  too  late  perceive 

the  troubles 
Bred   in  the  Beaune  I 
loM-il  to  buy. 

Get  hence,  old  Port,  so 
rich  and  fruity  ! 

Thou  brin^est  naught 

but  grief  and  pain  ; 
And  thou,  my  Sherry,  '</«, — 

Must  never  kiss  my  lips  a^ain  ; 
O  false  Champagnes,  could  onl\  \e  know 

The  actual  ills  that  haunt  me  ii 
You'd  surelv  mourn  with  MaraM-hino 

The  purple  flush  upon  my  1 

The  glories  of  the  kitchen  dwindle. 

Nor  yield  the  j..\-  that  once  I  felt  : 
My  sadden-  ix-rt  to  kindle 

When    sirloin*    make    their    presence 
smelt  : 

.\a-  when  il  wa-  wondrous  )>leaaant 
To  tast<-  the  birds  and  drain  the  cup. 
NOW,  IOIJK  before  1  see  the  jiheasant. 
I  realise  the  ip! 


the  b.,11 

• 


•  off  from  my  sujierli  Madeira 


friendlv    and 


serviceable  animal  actually  t 

1 
••-ir    further    of    an    abbreviated 

- 
dian  is  to  prodm-e   under  the   n  . 


•  •  -o  ardi  lit.  i|iiail 
the  ]>nisp<-ct  of  an 
Of  1-  d.-  : 

Pinched   are  my  'cheeks  once  round  and 

ruddv. 
And  thin  is  now  my  clii 

.11  my  knUCkle-DOnei  and  study 
The  sennon-,  in  the  chalkMones  there  ! 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1907. 


Nervous  Host.  "  WELL,  OOOD-BYE,  LADY  ROBINSON.     ER— THANK  TOD— go  OOOD— so  nvca  OP  TOO  TO  HAVE  OOME  ! ' 


THE  POET'S  VISION.—"  FOR  I  PUT  INTO  THE  FUTCHE." —fM-kdry  Hall. 
Thirxty  Tramp  (iriat fully  eontraii  '  af  hop  garden* i .  "  t.-ni  i.v   IIKKII   FIKI.HS.   I!n  i  I" 


— 

Punch's    Almanach    for    1907. 


THE     FINISH. 


\Y   O.MK    \M>   YIAIIS    MAY 
HIT  TIIHlMi 


JANUARY  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  DOUBTFUL  PROSPECT. 

'UK  trials  of  Christinas  arc  over, 
The  parrels,  the  pudding,  the  pain, 

knd  we've  fifty-odd  weeks  to  recover 
Ere  Yule-tide  flows  round  us  again. 

Ye  carp  at  each  other  in  chorus, 
Our  complexions  are  not  very  clear, 

Ind  we  shrink  from  the  prospect  before 

us — 
The  youthful  inviolate  vear. 


W<>  judge  nineteen  six  as  we  found  it, 
Good  fortune  in  niggardly  streaks. 

Blue  sky  with  the  cloud  rising  round  it, 
And  fewer  caresses  than  tweaks. 

\\V  think  of  the  schemes  that  we  tl 
The  time  and  the  trouble  they  cost ; 

Their  launching  was  almost  unnoted, 
And  half  the  flotilla  was  lost. 

Through  the  year  that  we  hope  to  inherit, 
In  luck  may  the  rest  of  you  bask, 


lint  a  fair  n-ci ignition  of  merit 
Fur  myself  is  as  much  as  1  a 


ask. 


"  '  The  People '  Year  Book  for  1707  is  without 
doubt  the  most  comprehensive  encyclopwli: 
of  popular  information  ....  It  ha«  been 
brought  thoroughly  up-to-date."— 3  he  People. 

M«.  HOOPER,  should  this  catch  the  eyo 
of,  let  him  beware.  There  is  a  rival  in 
th:  field. 


VOL.   CXXXII. 


2,  1907. 


.hi  it*,  appears  as  a  mute  witne- 


'11  * 

-,l,at    lurid    past,    but    then 


THE 


TEMPTATIONS 
ANTONY. 

thing  to 


•3T  rf 


II         «•       •*»        *W^snrv  • 

each  new  revival  of  Ssuxmut  ' 

*  of  each  new  •— *«niine  si 

Prury  U«e)  that  the  s| 


,-[     the 


! '.  ,f    '•»    r  i          \«  .  •  *" 


\:,<    f  t:..-  praam  u 
tony  W  CUopa*m 


•    f  l: 


.    ha*  an 

•u. 

M-  antiquity 

itoUien 


i»uimi-nu|.|«  i  . 

Imperial  affair*,  would   have  explained 
to  him  that  these  were  the  mam. 
the  latar  Empire,  and  that  Koine  was 
Mill  a  Republic.  „ 

I  also  gather  from  t! 
that  "the   tragedy  of  a  world  passion 
redeemed  by  love— this  i«  t 

«  »  1.1    l.t.fntM* 


Antony  and  Obm**"    1  «''«l'«  '    n».v 
other  words  could  with  so  adinir.il>!.-  a 
have  misrepresented  the 
' 


of 


it 


the 

the 


,  ._ of  so  noble  a 

It  was  a  personal  triumph  for 
lUutB  and  KYAX;  for  Mr. 
..j  and  the  British  Museum  assi* 
_ „,  for  Mr.  Tree  aa  Manager;  for  the 
acton  (regarded  as  a  mobile  section  of 
the  scenery);  for  everyone  except  the 
author  himself.  He  was  constantly 
sacrificed  to  the  picture, 
of  sight  is  always  dominant  over 
the  sense  of  hearing  ;  and  the  intelligent 
ear  only  found  its  opportunity  when  the 
1  bf 


Actually,  if  we  are  speaking 
compass  of  the  play  itself,  it 
tragedy  of  a  sex-passion,  relieved  from 
time  to  time  by  the  futile  recurrence 
of  a  discarded"  jMilitii-.il  and  military 
ambition.  AH  for  "  love  "  in  the  larger 
of  a  bingle-hearted  devotion— we 


ecome 


ated. 


In*  of  th*  eye  had 

Thus,  the  memorable  line*,  spoken 
to  Menus  on  the  galley  by  S,rfu« 
I'ompfitu  (a  part  in  which  Mr.  I/ENTBAXGE 
looked  very  t»-i"Um«  when  he  had  his 

"  net  on): 

"  Ai.  this  ikou  sbouM'd  hare  done, 
M*  k*T»  spot*  ou't  !     In  m*  'Us  villainy  ; 
*•  'I  had  bm  flood  wrric."— 


U  !•*• 

wore  almost  lost  in  the  distractions  of 

the  rV^-hf1")'*"  swne.     And  it 


. 
BrtOTtKLi  thai  the  greatest  pageant  of 


•U— the  return  of  the  prodigal  to  his 
ne  huaka— WM  interpolated, 
lined  no  spoken  line  of  SBUK 
JT  anybody  else's.  I  am  no 


_.  for  the  purposes  of  this  production, 
whether  it  would  not  have  been  just  as 
well  to  cut  Ssuonun  out  altogether. 

Mr.  TBXE.  in  his  "Foreword,"  says: 
11  To  illustmte  on  the  one  hand  the  austere 
grandeur  of  Borne,  and  on  the  other  the 
gorgeous  splendour  of  the  East,  and  so 
to  capture  for  our  audiences  something 

i 


Antony. 


Era, 


of  aunrun's  glowing  imaginat 
this  has  been  the  aim  of  the  present 
production."  There  is  a  not*  of  modesty 
fn  thai  word  "something."  I  1110014 
like  to  havs  seen  the  brave  Sauunu 
•eated  in  the  stage-box  beside  Mr. 
W  0*101  Gsxmnu.  (who,  I  think,  must 


Thy  master  din  thy  scholar ;  to  do  thus 

[failing  on  hi*  iirord 
I  leun'd  of  the*.    How!     Not  de*d?    Not 

dead? 

I  ha**  don*  my  work  ill. 

A«o*f..  llr.Tsss.      fro.  . .  Mr.  Bcoujtt. 
have  the  best  commentary  in  Cleopatra's 
expressed  fear  that  her  attendant  I  rat, 


dying  first,  will  anticipate  her 
afffrtKyft  of  Antony'  i  ghost  : 


in  tin- 


.         ,  , 

hare  been  wishing  that  Egypt 
under  the  Colonial  Office,  so  that  _ 
night  arrange  for  it  a  Free  Constitution 
h«t  of  the  Transvaal)  and  to  have 
Mkcd  the  author  how  much  credit  h.- 
took  to  his  own  "  glowing  imagination  " 
for  the  scrne,  say.  of  the  gaudy  night 


, 

on  the  gaUsy.     What  a  revdation   of 
his  own  inaighl  could  be  have  watched 

i  r       i   .  II     *  t 


the  "aMUnVraadeur  of  Home"  in  the 

persons   of    her   Triumvirate,  as  they 

I  unbent    themsulvai   and   behaved   just 


If  sh*  fii*t  meet  the  carted  Antony. 

He  11  make  demand  of  her,  and  spend  that 

kiss, 
Which  i*  my  heaven  to  hate. 

The    play    offers     little    chance    for 
subtlety,  except  in   tho   vacillat ions  of 
Antony;  and  Mr.  TKE  (whew  energies 
bad  spent  themselves  in  a  brilliant  effort 
of  stage  management)  lacked  \.u 
voice  and  facial  expression  for  their  in- 
terpretation.    CUopatni.  though  .- 
many  moods,   in,  in  thin   play,  a    fairly 
straightforward  character   with  only  a 
very    transparent    veil    of    mys- 
nothi:  ly.  to  justify  the  repeated 

appnr  -•  Sphinx  on  adrop-ecene. 

It  is  true  that  (Jeuarion,  her  buy  i 


hint  of  her  historical  overtures  to  . 

it.    The  possibility  of  consomion 

in    this   .plainer   may   just    have  crossed 

her    mind     where    she    calls    him    "  My 

and  my  lord."     Jt   is  a  pity  that 

ith  its  excellent  cl 

had   to  U-  omitted,  and   that  he  is  only 
introduci-d  to  '  7.-"/«i'r.i  when  sin-  u 

The  colouring  of  this  final  scene  in  the 
•-.Monument"  was  of  a  marvellous  dim 
U-auty.  1  think  it  regrettable  thai  Atit,»in 

should  have  rolled  off  the  IHM!  when 
he  expired,  because  the  ladies  had  a  lot 
of  dillicnlty,  even  with  the  help  of 
Um/i.in  iwho  was  not  BOppOMO  to  bfl 
111  getting  him  back  again.  They 
had  not  really  unite  recovered  from  the 
exhausting  process  of  hauling  him  up 
through  the  window.  This  had  IM-.-II 
In-hind  the  curtain  while  the 
audience  was  being  distracted  by  a  little 
diversion  in  "  (Vsar's  Camp"  jus' 
the  footlights.  .Judging  by  the  noise 
that  w.-nt  on  behind  1  should  say  that 
the  hoisting  was  done  by  a  v.-iy  primi- 
tive hand-crane. 

InthepartofCIeoparni  MissCoi 
COU.IKU  came  very  near  (.'realising  the 
sinuous  figure  of  this  "serpent  of  old 
Nile."     In  the  scene  where  she  buffets 
the  messenger  of   evil   tiding-,   a-  al.-> 
in  that  other  where  she  tries  to  - 
rapture    in     the    Monument,    she 
with  remarkable  intelligence  and 
tility.      Hut    she   should    never  smile,  fur 
there  her  fax-mation  finds  its  limit. 

Most  of  the  actors  recited  their  lines 
without     spontaneity.       S«m.-    were    in- 
distinct, but  Mr.  BASH. GILL,  asOetowia, 
was  inclined  to  bark.    (No  attempt,  by 
the  way,  was  made  to  give  o 
to  the  pronunciation  of   proper   names. 
The   u   in   Fi</riu   was  sounded    in   the 
Italian  manner,  and  so  was  the  first  'i  in 
Cleopatra;    but   "rf(1ri<i    and    th- 
were  pronounced  in  the  frankest  British 

way.)      r'ar    the     U-st    speaker    w, 
Lra  H.utl'lNc;.  in   the  part  of  HiiiJiiirlntu, 
!iaractcr  in  the  play. 

Candid  in  his  criticism  of  all  the  world, 
including  himself,  the  blunt  and  ready 
r  wit  of  this  bluff  soldier  delighted 
an  audience  not  easily  moved  to 
enthusiasm.  The  gentlemen  on  each 
side  of  me  one  had  with  him  a  son  who 
had  l«-»-n  getting  up  the  play  and  was 
able  to  prompt  Ins  ill  instructed  parent) 
particularly  pleased  with  Mr. 
II  MIMM.'S  enunciation. 

There  were  certain  of  his  lines    - 
1'urplr  th«>  sail*,  and  so  perfuni.il  that 
The  winds  were  love-sick  with  ihcm, 

and  again, 

....     From  the  barge 
A  strange  invisible  j»-rfuin«  hiU  the  sense 
<  if  the  adjacent  wharfs — 

which  appealed   very    strongly  to    the 
I  audience  in  my  neighbourhood,  where 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVARL— JASUART  2,  1907. 


PETER-  PUNCH  AND  THE  NEW  YEAR. 

(With  ackiioirlciljments  to  Mr.  Harriet  "Peter  Pan") 


JANTAKY  i',  11)07.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


-My-*, 


THE    NEW    PROGRESS. 

"  SO  GOOD  OF  TOD  TO  COME  SO  FAR  !   DlD  TOO  MOTOR  OVKH  ?  " 

"  No.    WE  FLEW  ! " 


the  heavy  air  reeked  through  a  ten 
yards  radius  with  a  nauseating  essence 
worn  by  a  lady  in  a  stall  uncomfortably 
close  to  my  own.  Can  nothing  be  done 
by  the  Management  to  cheek  this  in- 
suITi Table  offence?  Would  that  I  could 
have  used  the  language  employed  by 
f'li-njiiitrii'n  bargees  when  this  kind  of 
thing  was  thrown  back  at  them  from 
the  "  adjacent  wharfs."  O.  S. 


ZANCIGNALLIXG. 

A  winrv.K  in  Tin'  Daily  Mull  ridicules 
the  idea  of  telepathic  communication 
between  the  Zvvfins.  and  is  convinced 
that  the  whole  thing  is  done  by  a  private 
cmli  dt  signals.  lie  says  that  when 
Mine.  Z\M'it;  is  blindfolded  and  cannot 
watch  her  husband's  movements,  then 
"  M.  ZANCK;  eommunieates  by  means  of 
the  many  strange  sounds  he  uses,  and  not 
to  be  found  in  any  known  vocabulary." 
The  Mail  writer  further  prophesies  that 
the  ZAXCIG  boom  will  soon  be  over. 


Mr.  Punch  imagines  the  ZAXCIGS  at 
breakfast.  Professor  Z.  is  reading  Tlie 
l>nili/  Mail,  and  communicating,  for  the 
sake  of  practice,  the  results  to  Madame. 
who  is  blindfold.  Professor  Z.,  who  has 
been  making  premonitory  uncouth  noises 
for  some  -time,  suddenly  breaks  out 
indignantly  with : 

A  cough — two  sneezes — the  noise  of  a 
pig  squealing. 

'Mini-.  Z.  "  Does  it  really  ?    Po  go  on." 
The  noise  of  an  oyster  opening. 
Mme.  Z.  "  But  how  absurd  !  " 
A  sneeze     the  death-rattle  of  a  coeli- 

I'l'ilrll. 

Mine.  Z.  "Oh,  my  dear!  Then  our 
fortunes  are  made." 

A  sneeze — the  deatlt-rnttle  of  a  xliijlitli/ 
larger  cockroach. 

Mine.  Z.  "  Thank  yon.  dear.  They  're 
making  so  much  noise  upstair*,  it's  a 
little  difficult  for  me.  1  quite  mis- 
understood you." 

The  noise  of  a  larkspur  lui/im/  an  (•</</. 
Z.  "Oh!  But  how  terrible' 


Surely  that  great  paper  will  not  desert 
us!"' 

Tlie  noise  of  a  dormouse  Aetfimg. 

Mme.  X.  "  You  must  go  slower,  dear, 
I  don't  follow  you." 

The  noise  of  a  dormouse  hiliematimj. 

Mme.  Z.  "Jium!  We  are  ruined! 
We  are  discovered  !  " 

The  noise  of  a  thermometer  falling 
from  26°  to  2<F. 

"  Yes.  That  i*  best,  dear.  We  will 
go  and  see  Mr.  STKAP." 

[Scene  doses  irith  IVofewwr  ZANCIO 
signalling  for  n  han*<>m  in///  the 
noixeofa  sycamore  biirxtni'jintoleaf. 

Are  we  Downhearted  P 
Is   the  P>pilogue  tn  the  Westminster 
Play  the   banners  of  the  Suffragists  bore 
the  legend  :  "  / 

Minor  of  the  I'pprr  Remove  writes  to 
say  that  in  lii«  form  they  would  have 
put  ".Yum  dejeclce.  Kiimus,"  seeing  that 
the  answer  "  Xo  !  "  is  cxp«t-te.l. 


•  And  we  thought,"  he  con- 


A 

l'i  vn>  TV: 


Ourm  •' 

An  fMfvoiwi  Lowim. 
Loom,  with  all  it*  charms. 


rworat  GOT*  w 


i*.  it  i* 


> 

tinned.  "  that  if  London  were  provided 
with  a  really  noticeable  wedding<ake— 
normous."  m,d  Mr.  Bcimou 
lgmntic."  said  Mr.  OuMim 
robdingnsgian,"  said  Mr. 

with  difficulty. 

"A     regular    wln-pi-r.      said 
might  Iwve   the 


Mr. 


.  .  ;     ' 


.         ., 

...m.-nt  will 
>i.l 


[jAXtABY   -'.    1 

•  r   London 
beyond  that." 
Mr.  (!'  s/.Mti'.     And  in  a 


.          . 
r.Ii.,1  :iKT.-.'i...-nt  wv  t,..k  our 


iHHff   •»*   ••••» ' 

omslrea.  such  as  efectnc  haling 
in  ownibiMM,  cigar  lighter*   on   every 

lamp-post  without 

much  avad  to  date.      1 
however,  spring*  eternal   in 
•van  our  concrete  bosom. 

Bat  thi*  is  a  digression : 
who  are  we  to  speak  of  our- 
setas?  It  i»  the  public  men. 
the  mm  of  weight,  whocount 
in  such  matters.  Ifr.Aioot- 
ww  Aflnox.  lor  example,  who 
wants  to  see  more  pilLir 
bans ;  Mr  H  <M  « '»««,  who 
would  abolish  barber* ;  Mr. 
Ik  uai.  who  i*  in  favour 
of  a  tramway  in  ererjr  street 
and  peony  atearoen  on  tin- 
Banff""""'  awl  Hound  Pood ; 
M.  le  Chevalier  i.'IxromuE, 
who  dalike*  Scotland  Yard 
and  would  utterly  rlitninate 
Mr.  Ciuuj*  FmwMAiw. 
who  think*  there  are  too  few 
hoarding* ;  and  Professor 
and  Mr*,  '/jana,  who  rann.it 
think  bow  it  i*  Hi*  Muixnr 
ha*  only  one  London  rwi- 
drnrr  in  which  to  entertain. 

These  are  inlereating  sug- 
l.ut  iiin.of  courne. 


yoa  think  ao?" 
\\Yagreedabaolir 


•oar  practical  buainea* 
aat  the  really  valuable 

l.mia   proceed. 

f.*»  paid  a  morning  call  on 

Ibaan.  Oooun  AV 

whoae    wedding -cakea    are 

femou*  wherever  matrimony 
...  .  ... 

• 


LONDON. 


—  (ort   as 
sod  both,  naturally,  up  to  their  eyes  in 

remats  far  London?"  said 
aa>.  completing  the  steps  o( 

• 
we  have  thought  of  many     haven't  we, 

my."  said  Mr.  Barn*. 
r  rumple? '  we  asked  tentatively, 
tenurarioosly  and  v 

11."  said  Mr.  OCBUI 


.  .  OOMMD,  -then  is 

oar  great  wedding-cake  scheme." 

i  Mr.  Brarm  with  rapture, 
iigisnd,  as  yoa  know,"  pursued 
Mr'.  -.••        MSunWingfroti 

m. 

.-*,    and    old     maids,"    said     Mr 


OCR  UNTRUSTWoltTHY  AltTIST 
or  THK  ALMCT 
man.  CuaarJ  and  Hunter.) 

it  necessarily  a  mere  model,"  said 
Mr.  (iowuto.  "  It  might  lie  hollow  and 
used  for  some  practical  purpose." 

theatre,   suggested  Mr.  Bowm. 
"  Or  a  garage,"  said  Mr.  Gusziun 

«ai.J  Mr.  Ik-vnau 
"  Or  a  concert  hall,"  said  we. 
"Ah!"saidMr.  OcRZAKDwith  mthu 
mtn  and  brio,  "  there  you  liave  it.     A 
.joorrt  hall.  M   ll.dl'     "m 

idf»,"  lie  ad.lwl,  "is  to  t  AlU-rt 

1 1. ill.  which  is  as  much  like  a  cake  as 


the 


ON  TOl  K 
THKBEwaaouo-  aTli.-atrical  \l<-\  : 
t  -iti.  .11  of  tl»-  So-iif  from  Zranfcoe  wherein 

,  is  man.' 

l.v  triil   I'.v  Coiul>at   U-fon-  the  Grand 
,,f  theTempUus.     In  tl,.-  .-.•nir.- 
of  tin-  Siaxv.  in  piteous  white 
|{,,IH-S  au«l  with  dishevelled 
Hair  stood  the  J 
chain.  •<!  i  for  jjivattT  ,.ff.  , 
tin-   Stakt-   at   which,    if    ln-r 

Chaini'ioii  wtTf  ansoooassful, 

she  was  to  be  Imriifil  alivi-. 
(in  tin-  rxtiviiif  KiK'ht  tlit- 
villain  De  Bois  Ciullirrt  sat 
11  IK  in  a  steed  of  sorts, 
wiiiulrriiiK  what  on  t-arth 
\vonl.l  hai'|"'ii  whfii  the  thnv 
Mout  ini-ii  -at  anus  from  tin- 
ailjaivnt  Mews  who  rr.-l  raiiif«l 
th.-  Animal  with  tliflicnlty 
>honlcl  It-t  it  go.  Aii'l  on  tin- 
b-ft  fnt.Tftl  /r.in/i 

n]Hin  a  Charger  which,  n.-arly 
ns  alarmed  as  the  Ih-ro  liim- 
sflf.  was  only  (li--ua'li-<l  from 
jumping  into  thfi'rclii^trahy 
thf  onuliiiHMl  efforts  of  four 
stalwart  1  .-^niresaccustomi'il 
to  shifting  heavy  sceiu-ry. 
Anil  whfii  tin-  lu-niMIr  1'n- 
liminaries  were  OV.T  ami 
the  Trumpets  soonded  the 
Charge,  not  all  thfi-iuleavours 
of  the  three  stout  mm  at  arms 
to  give  the  horse  of  /'••  / 
It-ail  towards  his  Antagonist, 
nor  tlie  total  weight  of  the 
fourstalwart  K-  pi.i.  •-  a).].li.-.l 
tothiTrarwanl  .|iiartersof  llie 
Chainj.i.m's  8ti','<l  avail'  <1  at 
all,  out  the  two  Combatants, 
with  lances  level  in  the 
resta,  continued  to  whf«'l 


. 

any  hall  ha*  a  right  to  bo,  and  place  the 
Albert  Memorial  on  • 
yon  have  the  perfect  wedding-cake — cake 

Mr.  (tCKZARD  sank  back  in  his  (hair  in 

ph. 
"I  venture    to  say,"   remarked    Mr. 


round  and  round   in  divers   parts  of  the 
Stage,   sweeping    everylnidy   therefrom, 
in^',   .if  <  ;.   who  was 

chaine<l    fast  to  the  Stake.      I'.ut    after  a 

space  e\en  she.  though  prepared  for  a 

certain  amount  of  Martyrd .grew  tired 

of  it,  and  tripping  lightly  away  with  the 

adhering  to  the  back  of  her 
M. tight  a  more  sheltered  Situation  amidthe 

sympatli.  ' 

,/.— It 
disregard 


of  tin-  Audience. 
s-'inetimes  desirable  to 


"11,.-  l.rlii.-'n  ln-niitiful  Indinn  trouswau  was 

v    (IcirinK  r  •••  t.  iln 

dainty  article*  oontnui!  ;>ly  uiih  the 

rain  and  fog  ouU.  •••Titter. 

MAST  pwple  WOold  never  have  thought 
df  that. 


JANTAKY  L>,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVAIM. 


Laird.  "\VEEL,  MACAUMER,  AND  HAVE  YOU  FOUND  ANT  OF  THOSE  STRAYED  SHEEP  YET?" 

Maealister.  "  YESS.    BUT  I  WAS  FINDING  THEM  ALL  AGAIN,  SIR,  WHATEWEB.    AND  I  DID  FIND  TWO  BY  ITSELF  AND  ONE  TOGETHER,  AND  THREE 

ivn  ONE  nir  MifipmRflnM*>  I " 


POLLY. 

SHE  's  dainty  and  trim 
And  straight  and  slim 
In  her  winter  frock. 
Like  a  wind-touched  field  of  grain 
Her  shimmering  rippling  mane 
With  many  a  wanton  lock 
Spreads 

From  her  head's 
Hounded  crown 
All  the  way  down, 
Past  the  nape  of  her  lily  neck, 

With  never  a  check, 
Till  close  to  her  waist  it  makes  a  stay, 
And  breaks  like  a  wave   in  a  golden 
spray. 

She  knows  no  fear, 

And  her  eyes  are  clear, 

Her  grey-blue  eyes 

\\  ith  their  look  of  surprise. 
And  she  talks 
As  she  walks 

Just  about  dolls  and  Queens  and  Kings, 
And  birds  and  dogs  and  delightful  things, 
Tilings  that  are  kind  and  must  be  true, 
That  were  done,  she  fancies,  by  me  or  you. 
And  oh  just  hear  how  her  laughter  rings 


With  shout  upon  shout, 
When  the  old  brown  dog  wh'o  has  seen 

her  pass 
Conies  hobble-de-hobble  across  the  grass, 

Or  rolls  about 

In  his  funny  ungainly  spaniel  style, 
And  then  gets  up  with  a  broad  dog-smile, 
And  stops  and  pants,  for  he 's  rather  fat, 
Till  he  gets  from  her  hand  his  prize,  a  pat. 

She 's  wise, 
And  she  tries 

To  help  in  the  house  and  everywhere. 
If  something 's  got  to  be  done, 
Shaking  her  hair, 
Till  it  streams  in  the  air, 
You  should  see  her  run 
With  an  overmastering  zeal 
That  you  'd  think  she  could  hardly  feel, 
For  the  tale  of  her  years  is  only  seven 
Since  she  came,  a  promise  of  joy,  from 
Heaven. 

Prattle, 

Rattle 

And  tittle-tattle, 

( 'hatter, 
Patter, 
As  mad  as  a  hatter, 


That  is  the  way  it  goes ; 
And,  oh  !  you  'd  never  suppose 
That  little  Miss  Innocence  giving  you 
For  a  toy  [thanks 

Or  a  joy, 

With  ih-niiircness  written  all  over  her  face, 
And  never  a  hint  of  pranks, 
Could  shake  off  manners  and  put  in  their 

place 

Mischief,  merriment,  romps  and  tricks. 
Scampers,  tumbles,  and  trips  and  kicks, 
And  all  in  a  moment's  space. 

But  at  last  when  the  day 
Is  done  and  all  her  play 

Has  been  played, 
With  her  eyes  still  shining  bright 
Up  she  gets  and,  stepping  light, 
Marches  off— Good  night,  ( i<»xl  night ! 
Who  's  afraid  ?       1!.  C.  L 


Save  me  from  my  friends. 
"Tire  many  friends  of  Canon  —will 
be  glad  to  hear  that,  whilst  he  has  some- 
what nvovcml  from  his  long  illness,  he 
is  still  not  allowed  to  take  part  in  any 
work,  and  remains  confined  to  his 
house." — East  Anglian  Daily  Timei. 


CHAU1VAKI. 


[JAM  XKV  L',  i 


OUR    HUMBLE    PRODIGIES. 

1  •   w*"1.   ••'T1*'*    '*    n 


HAT*    Agency    telegram    from 

bat  ni«ht^  the  Palace 
in  every  wv  a  pbenaoienal 

nea          Th.-  -*«»».  <£    *• 

Qaaena,  tbe  whole  of  the  Boyal  family 
1  U-  nrrt  battalion  of  the  Amawoa 
att.oo-d  tbeooooert,  and  expn-ed  their 
delight  with  exceptional  cordiality. 
Serinl  ak«»  were  aacrifioed  during  the 
count  of  the  programme,  and  at  the 
doae  tbe  enthoataam  waa  quite  unpre- 
oede«led.  Their  Majesties  repeatedly 
embraced  the  gifted  young  virtuoso,  and 
pnnafi  him  with  n  RiranV,  a 
pip.  with  poisoned  darta,and  a  bag  of 
raperb  grape-nun  (nnn  th,-  Hoyal 
orchard.  The  Kiwi  promised  PICTR  a 
•UK*  umbrella,  and  ask«-l  wlx-tli.-r  he 
would  like  it  green  or  pmk.  Witt 
lemarkable  presence  of  mind  tho  child 
•t  once  exclaimed  "  pink.'  at  the  same 
gboring  ut  Queen  Ni.  IMB.UJIKATOE, 


wboss  spkodid  albino  nnuplexiou  is  one 
of  the  most  attrarmc  f.-..iure»  of  tho 
Court.  Tbe  attendant  Amazons  were 
deeply  affected,  and  expressed  their 
gratitude  in  an  impromptu  war-dance, 
fnln^iMiing  in  a  scene  of  extraordinary 
anthropophagic  emotion. 

SnbeequenUy,  on  his  return  voyage 
:         :   •  '-    '  i 


nniim    ***• 

oaDed  at  Saint  Helena  and  gave  a  recital 
•i  tbe  Loagwood  Assembly  Rooms. 
After  h*h 

"  Kmprrvr  "  Coocrn  .Bmurrt:. 

who  bad  opportunely  arrived  on  the 
prerious  day  in  his  10U.OOO  h.p  turbine 
yacht  BOIMIIM.  KM  from  his  fauieud. 

• 

wooder<*hild  with  it  < 
fur  &O.OUU.     <  >u  the  f  .Howing  moniing 
PIEI*.  accompanied  by  the  bunpUH 
ruited  tbe  spot  wbere  tbe  remains  of  the 
Man  of  Destiny  first  rested,  and  deposited 
upon  it  a  gold  snuff-box  with  the  Hiniplc 
•     • 

from  the  Vicfc  i  i«." 

\  Halter',  lelsgnun  from  Lhasa  saya: 

\      .    i 

Grand  Isnanuj  L>»t  Friday  was  an 
pnoedeuted  success.  Tbe 
tbe  Teabn  Lama,  and  the 
itsry  were  present  in  their 
«  robes,  «• 
of  tbe  parquet,  wh 

. 
Ijtruu.  weahby  caagnates  from  Sikkim. 

.•mipted  by  diepL 
•  and  holn  Lamaa  repr.r 
trated    tbemsrlres   at  the    feel 


^^^^^^-^— ™ ^~^™^^ 

child  virtuoso,  and  MssjMdMB 
with  a  choice  collection  of  obognpJM,  a 

•  k.'  ..     •     .    N-.....I 

of  Tibetan  oysters.    The   Teahu 
a  man  of  extraordinarily  BOOM 
Mance,  promawd  Vnu  a  full-sixed 
__  and  asked  her  whether  she  would 
like' a    blonde   or   a   brunette.     With 
marvellous  tact  the  child  promptly  replied 
••brunette,"  at  the  eame  time    archly 
glancing  at  the   Tealiu    Lama,  whose 
iint  raven  beard,  measuring  4  feet 
2  inches  from  start  to  finish,  is  one  of 
the  most  influential  assets  of  the  for- 
bid !• :.  '  .'•• 

On  Uie  following  day  VUIA  I 
made  an  interesting  pilgrimage  in  com- 
pany    with     I'r.    SU.N     BsWX,    who    is, 
needless  to  aay,  one    of    her   greatest 
admirers,  to  the  tomb  nf<  ALEX- 

AXDGB  THB  GUKAT.  who.  it  is  not  gem-rally 
knovn,  perishe<l  in  the  attempt  to  force 
his  way  into  Lhasa,  his  remains  bong 
interred  in  a  cenotaph  just  outside  the 
city  walls.  TheecenewaBextntordiiuinly 
touching,  several  Yaka  being  r.-> 
in  a  state  of  partial  hysterics  when  \  u:v 
laid  on  Uie  innuortal  warrior's  tomb  a 
sheaf  of  press  notices  and  a  broken 
E  string  with  the  poignant  inscription  : 
the  SuniM'it  of  the  KoM,  humbly, 
fp.m  the  Infant  I  Mm." 

I  lie  iKihn   Lima  has  just  con 
f,-rrv:  SYMKI*:  the  honorific- 

title  of  /'nuJibimha. 

A  w in-less  telegram  from  Tokio  says  : 
umisKKEK  P.   WANAUAXEK,  Uie  won- 
derful   American    l»oy-tlautist.    gave   a 
concert    on    Tuesday    at  Tokio.      The 
ntm  and  Emnsa,  tbe  Hear  Appmet 

Marquis  I  to.  Harou  SIYKMUSI,  and 
General  OKI  wen-  present,  and  expressed 
the  moat* unbounded  satisfaction  with 

Uie  performan.  I    »M'    having 

(ueiitly   to   IK.'  removed  to  a 

willK  to  the  \  i.  .leniv  nf  his  ClllOl  iollH. 

Their  Majt-siii-H  n-|«iat.-dlv  renuirked 
"Hara-kiri"  (Jr.,  "encore".,  and  pre- 
sented the  young  performer  with  an 
accordion-pleated  kimono  and  a  Lirge 
decanter  of  Tatch.-.  (hi  the  following 
morning  MELCHUREHPC,  though  far  from 


Tin: 

led, 

i',,iiu-»  tlie  ^'.iiiel  parents  dread  ; 

1'aN-  and  \i>H>ly  ili-tendrd 

Milious  TOMMY  li«-s  in  i 
Face  to  face  with  l{.-trilpiiti<>ii 
And  an  < .ntraged  couatittition. 

What  a  .-han^e  -i: 

TOMMY  .swiftly  juit  away 
Thr.v  enormous  J-.H-S  of  Tui 

At  the  fr.i.-t  on  I'hri.sti 
(letting  by  judici"ii> 
Ik.iilile  quantities  of 

As  to  pudding,  who  could  reckon 
TOMMY'S  load  in  terms  of  M/.eV 
Who  .ilt.'lll|.l   to  keep  a  check  oil 

TOMMY'S  nnmberleBe  mince  : 
Hopeless  task!     Mi-  pr.-s.-nt  p.dl-r 
Proves  his  prodigies  of  valour. 

Then  I  found  him.  notwitliManding 

Such  coloN<»l  f.ais  as  I: 
Alter  dinner  on  the  binding 
,.-tly  devouring  cheese, 

M.inke.1  iiy  ginger-beer-and-ooft 

\\itli  a  Klali  of  toffee. 


in    tiling    ••••'  v~n 

well,  went  w ith  1km. n  Si  u  \i  v. 
he  tomb  of  HOKI  -M    and   laid  np»n  it  a 

.tli  the  touching  ii 
.>  great  man,  humbly,  from  the 

Tax  I '.'  inch  Blush  of  a  cableas  London 
caused  the  dissipation  of  a  numl 
cherished  illusions  but  Wednesday  and 

iolitf  oil,. 

1     'I'!. .it  the  I/indoii  H  iiicils 

can  show  inteUigeix  <  h. 

f      UIH-IllploMI 

I  >  mill  111  cabby  is  a  sports- 

to  In-  ciii-ouni^: 
h.ird  til'.-  - 


I,  his  uncle,  gave  him  warning. 

Showed  the  error  of  his  w.. 
llinti-<l  at  to-morrow  niorninu. 

Talkeil  alM'iit  my  Imyhood's  da\.-; 
All  in  vain  1  uav.-.!  the  !• 
He  despised  me  as  a  f«v 

Well,  i-crh.ips  the  pains  he  suffers 
May  be  gifts  of  Fairy  tfild. 
lie  no u  -a\s.  -i  hdy  <liilT.-r.s 
;  as  much  as  they  can  hold." 
Thus,  through  physic  and  privations, 
TOMMY  learns  his  limitai 

CHARIVARIA. 

ORDERS    have     been     issued     for     the 

destruction    of    Army    Stor.-s    in    South 

Africa    to    the    vain.          •       '"<'.  on   the 

grouml  that  they  have  so  fanl- 

as  to  !»•   unlit   for  consumption.      <  hie 

cannot    led    too   grateful    that    in    t!ie-e 

,y  it  did  not  occur  to  the 

uthorities  to  transfer  th.-s.-  proriaiona 

o  the  Volnnt. -i 

The  crisis  in  (lermaiiy  has  induced 
me  of  the  more  enterprising  of  our 
llustrated  journals  to  publish  a  j«ortrait 
.f  the  KM-UI.  lie  i-  a  rather  lien-e- 

^  gentleman  of  a  distinctly  Teu- 
tonic coiinlenain-e,  and  his 

ichc  is  arranged  in  the  well  known 

st\le. 


W.   .  Lhelp  thinking  that  in 

.juarters  dislike  of  the   l'p|MT  II 
larrii-.!    IM-\OIII!    the   limits   of    commou- 
•.ince,  the  other  day  Tin' 
Ikiily   .Vrir*.  in    discnssinj;   the   attitude 

of  tin-   I/. r.l-   to    t!i'-    Education    Hill, 

I'lnalked,     "They      have     altered      more 

MI  the  original  Hill." 


JANUARY  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


, 


UNANSWERABLE    LOGIC. 

Well-meaning  Humanitarian.  "  WIIY  ARE  TOO  BEATING  THE  POOR  DOXKEY  IK  THAT  WAT  ? " 
Coster  (with  icitherinrj  scorn).  "AND  A  BLOOMIN'  LOT  o'  GOOD  IT  'UD  DO  BEATIN'  TUB  CAH  —  KII  ?  " 


Tliere  is  no  doubt,  a  correspondent 
points  out,  that  the  Lords  arc  now  really 
[lightened,  and,  in  support  of  his  con- 
tention, he  mentions  how  few  of  them 
are  now  to  be  seen  walking  about  in 
their  coronets  and  robes.  They  are 
skulking  in  mufti. 

Scrvia  is  obviously  tiring  of  King 
PKTKK,  and  we  understand  that  all  future 
monarchs  who  may  be  engaged  by  that 
State  will  be  given  clearly  to  understand 
that  they  arc  liable  to  be  dismissed 
m  a  month's  notice,  or  on  payment  of  a 
month's  wages  in  lieu  of  notice. 

Nature,  it  is  well  known,  resents  any 
nterference  with  her  laws.     We  have 
ust  had  a  striking  example  of  this.     A 
theatrical  company  at,   Warrin^toii  suc- 
ceeded in  producing  Sunday  on  Monday. 
The  following  day  the  theatre  was  burnt 
town. 

We  hear  that  the  promoters  of  the 
iVorld's  Fair  are  threatened  with  litiga- 
ion.  It  is  said  that  no  less  a  personage 
han  the  German  KMPEKOR  has  taken 


exception  to  one  of  the  performers  named 
CAICEDO  calling  himself  "The  Monarch 
of  the  Wire." 

News  reaches  us  of  a  novelty  in 
Amateur  Theatricals.  A  distinguished 
party  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  is  about 
to  produce  The  Forty  Thieves,  and,  to 
give  the  rendering  an  air  of  realism, 
each  of  the  forty  performers  constituting 
the  title  role  is  to  be  a  real  Company 
Promoter.  

A  shoemaker  of  Newport,  Monmouth, 
has  died  at  the  age  of  103.  Had  he 
lived  another  hundred  years  he  would 
have  reached  the  enormous  age  of  203. 

Mr.  Justice  B.UJC.IJAVK  DKAXE  has  stated 
that  no  man  ought  to  strike  his  wife, 
and  it.  is  rumoured  that  his  Court  is  to 
be  placarded  with  notices  bearing  the 
words,  "  I  forbid  the  bangs  \  " 


We  are  sorry  to  hear  that  subscriptions 
to  Institutions  for  the  Deaf  showed  a 
[alh'ng-off  last  year,  but  we  think  we 


know  the  reason.  It  is  beginning  to 
be  realised  that,  in  these  days  of  motor- 
omnibuses,  deafness  is  no  longer  an 
unmitigated  affliction. 


An  old  gentleman,  who  was  an  in- 
voluntary participant  in  some  snow- 
balling last  week,  noticed  with  regret 
a  distinct  improvement  in  the  marks- 
manship of  the  youth  of  the  nation. 

A  foolish  old  lady  who  has  been  read- 
ing about  the  Navy  writes  to  ask  us 
whether  it  is  a  fact  that  Liberty  men 
wear  art  serges.  

And  an  even  more  ignorant  corre- 
spondent asks  whether  the  Sud  express 
from  Paris  to  Lisbon  has  any  connection 
with  the  Soap  Trust. 


The  Seats  of  the  Mighty. 

'•  TIip  Council  then  sat  as  a  committee  on 
.he  jubilee  footpalh  from  Kippfonl  to  Rock- 
cliffe." — Local  Paper. 

A  PLEASANT  interlude  in  the  day's 
business. 


ITM-H.  <>K  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVAR 


r-._r  "Vma't  na  wwo  trim  CT  a*  nt  HIKE?" 

"*;<r  ••  TBAT  '•  A  »TA«E  COTEI,  w  CAM  OIIE  or  THE  WHEELS  oo«»  WPONO." 

fa^tr.  -  r«    »iii  I'«  A-ner»  'oao*  ros  »I«B  ••»  rim  TEA«,  A»'  I  KETE«  I-AMIED  A  WA»E  LEO  rot  OXE  or   i 


T1IE  FULL  MAX. 

TV  .trrmir.  Fi^iAlIMn  .  .  fill.  hi. 
»*  •  lumber  nl  mrkr«  m^ngff  and 
fao»l«ll  rmto.  ud  by  tbe 
U  •••  fcMnd  wlMl  li»  broariM  atUrtf 
Hnnk...  vwi*.  ud  i.  ni^-muned.  »ny 
di.U.U-f«l 


ly  rain  ray  cuffet^cup  appeals 

With  mriflljr  ooaling  dregi  ; 
Tb*  bacon  on  my  pkte  ooofntU 

Amoog  Uwicycgoi; 
The  loMt  grow*  tough;  nv  nul  dudaina 
Tb0  drrilW  kidoqm'  cold  mnairw, 
So  grwdily  do  I  pmm 

.  «C  Ule  of  football  news. 

I  loaf  to  know  pneiMly  who 
Will  Uk*  the  field  Uxiar. 
And  what  tbe  Springboks  roran  to  do 

• 

AndhowJivJtrmrcrackr- 
When  pkying  centre-hark  f  r  Mull. 

.inre,  a  \ 

jroa 

•.r  an  unexfrrtol  1  . 
BILLT  Baowx  ol  Pa-r«a. 


Iwirn  when  he  is  training  hard 

•  cj.lc  fi»«l  in  bread  and  lanl, 
n«l  luiw  lu-  ri*«»  with  the  lark 

'••  t:tkr  a  run  in  Kichniond  Park. 

know  his  measure  rouu<l  the  choet, 
His  \u-\n\\t,  his  weight  I  know, 
\ii'l  «  lii-n  he  weara  a  woolly  vest, 

•  I  when  :i  c;ilii 

In-  kind  of  l««-u  that  lie  prefers, 
\iiil  why  In-  (li'ln't  j"in  tin-  'Sj 
\n<l  how  it  w;i>*  he  failwl  to  M 
\t  T.ifiu-11  I'ark  in  1 

«r  the  atory  of  his  rise, 
v  many  timea  he's  played, 
iany  goala,  how  many  tries, 
How  many  fouls  he  'a  made. 

IPS  deck  my  wall  — 
BILL  Baowx  th-  f  them  all- 

Some  are  plain  photographs  of  Hn  i  . 
-ome,  though  coloured,  plain.  T  Mill 

When  news  ao  thrilling  ami  --Mime 
My  morning  paper  brings, 

•n^  time 


BIIXT  Bnf 


The  Journalistic  Touch. 

tho  most  aihnir.'<l  frati;: 
he  programme  wen-  the  S|';mi>h  ilam-i- 
md    the  minuet     ni««t    prai-efnlly    per- 
ormed  on  all  h 


FBOJI  the  First  I>eague  Results  in  Tlif 
Mail  : 


WOOLWICH  \    i,     I   r.VKUToX       T-VMI 

[.Sstterthn..  [Sharp.] 

This  appears  (cjiiite  rightly,  we  think: 

m<l'T  the    In-ailing   "  I'mlifir  Scoring." 

:MII-  i^  iinli-<-l   to  ! 


"A     \V<i.l     I)ri'!«;f»rl     k'1  nilfinrin     t«'ll«    an 
.mu.ing  glory  of  an  inciilml  tvliiili  to-  • 

)i  i)i>-  course  of  aonran  he  wu  making 
in  a  certain  district.  The  door  nf  a  lioune  was 
opened  to  him  liy  tin-  inmnl,  to  whom  he  ex- 

•  V.-s,'  hai'i   the 

man  cam  i<ni«ly,  in  an  undrrtonp,  '  it  '«  all  ri«lit  : 

i  wi>  I'm  n  jmlilir  nflii-ial.  and  I  have-  tu 

f  tin-  humour  lii-< 

;n  tin   :  '  I'l,  wlndi  I 

I.U-ny   tr>  divuljTP."-  \"/i 

f.  It  all   tho  linio  that   the  writer 
Birthing  back.     Somehow, 
as  it  Ptaiuls.  the  point  of  the  „(  on- 
to lack  pungency. 


,   OK   TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI.    JVM.UIV  1,  1907. 


HANDS   BENEATH   THE   SEA. 

FATHER  NEPTCXE.  "LOOK  HERE,  MADAM.  I'VE  KEEN  YOUR  PROTECTOR  ALL  THESE  YEARS,  AND  NOW  I  HEAR 
YOU  THINK  OF  UNDERMINING  MY  POWER." 

BRITANNIA.  "  WELL,  THE  FACT  IS  I  WANT  TO  SEE  MORE  OF  MY  FRIENDS  OVER  THERE,  AND  I  NEVER  LOOK 
MY  BEST  WHEN  I'VE  BEEN  SEA-SICK." 


JANUARY  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13 


RE-INSTATING    CHRISTMAS. 


Broadlands, 

DAPIINK,  I'idn't  I  tell  you 
that,  in  my  new  position,  with  unlimited 
easli  :\t  my  back,  1  meant  to  bring  off 
some  big  things?  I've  begun  already, 
though  only  two  months  married.  I've 
Re-instated  Christmas,  with  my  Yuletide 
7iViv/.s-  at  Hr'Hiilltitiilx.  Yes,  my  dear, 
thanks  to  your  own  HuxniE,  Christmas 
will  no  longer  be  voted  poky  and  middle- 
class.  I  got  together  a  lovely  crowd,  and 
we  put  in  a.  simply  ripping  time,  liosii 
and  WKK-WKK  came,  of  course,  and 
among  the  mob  was  that  old  <Ic(ir. 
Colonel  JEIIMVK,  with  his  sister,  who, 
though  middle-aged  and  with  then-mains 
of  considerable  ugliness,  is  a  right-down 
good  sort,  warranted  to  make  things 
simmer  anywhere.  Aunt  GOLDIE  refused 

at    first,  but    NORTY    accepted,    so,    like   a 

dutiful  wife,  she  decided  to  follow  her 
husband. 

We'd  holly  and  mistletoe  everywhere, 
a  ^reat  yule  log  burning  in  the  hall,  and 
all  the  traditional  dishes  at  dinner,  with 
snapdragon  afterwards.  Christmas  K\c 
we  all  hung  out  our  socks  and  stockings, 
and  went  round  putting  the  most  absurd 
things  we  could  think  of  into  them. 
though  H>sii  said  nothing  we  could  />»/ 
in  would  be  so  absurd  as  what  had  been 
taken  out  of  some  of  them. 

I  revived  all  the  old  Christinas  customs 
I  could  think  of.  The  Vicaress  hen-  and 
some  of  the  other  local  people  helped  me. 
The  Waits  came,  and  sang  carols  and 
things,  and  wo  had  them  in  and  gave 
them  wassail. 

NORTY  criticised  them  and  their  sing- 
ing unmercifully,  said  their  «•«/<•<<  were 
wrong,  and  they  were  fraudulent  \\'niln 
liable  to  be  indicted  under  the  Act. 

I  gave  them  all  a  Inn-li/  surprise  on 
Christmas  night.  The  Mummers  came 
round  (they  were  the  same  village 
creatures  as  the  Waits  ;  the  Vicaress  and 
I  had  drilled  them,  and  I  got  their 
dresses  from  town).  They  came  into  the 
hall  and  went  on  just  as  the  Mummers 
used  to  go  on  in  the  Middle  Ages.  NORTY 
said  they  didn't  mum  properly  and  that 
one  of  them  was  tipsy,  which  I  think  was 
distinctly  horrid  of  him. 

Then,  when  the  Miimmrrx  were  gone, 
WO  Sat  round  the  Yule  l/igand  roasted 
chestnuts  and  told  stories  —  fact 
fiction  —but  they  had  to  be  original  - 
ias  NoitTY,  who  was  at  his  very  wittiest, 
said,  the  chestnuts  we  were  roasting 
were  the  only  ones  allowed).  Bosn  told 
rather  a  risky  one,  but  Miss  JKHMYN 
beat  him  out  of  sight.  JOSI.MI  frowned 
instead  of  laughing,  but  nobody  notices 
what  he  docs. 

Noitrv  was  quite  wonderful  in  finding 
out  old  Christmas  games  for  us  to  play. 
I'd  no  idea  he  was  so  learned  or  thai 
people  all  that  time  ago  had  such 


FIH.VT  IMPRESSIONS. 

I'ri-H.  /'-*-r-/-/.  "My!  if  lie  siin't  just  a  daisy !  Most  atlr.iclive  personally,  I  do  declare! 
llopr  I  shan't  g,-t  kin  1  cr  hitched  up  in  them  eyebrow  'rrangi-menU !  " 

I'ruf.  I'r-i-e.  "  ll'm  !  nice  pleasant  expression.  Our  who  was  not  a  purist  in  lanKiiafir> 
might  almost  describe  him  a»  a  'pearli.'  l>e\clnpmenl  of  the  teeth  8iiggP8t8  tenacity  and 
strength  of  character.  Well,  well !  we  must  try  to  avoid  them  !  " 


good  notion  of  amusing  themselves. 
(Hosii  remarked  to  me  that  there  was 
nothing  to  be  surprised  at  in  NORTY 
knowing  so  much  of  such  things,  for, 
by  his  marriage,  he  had  proved  himself 
quite  an  antiquarian.) 

He  constituted  himself  Lord  of  Mis- 
rule, and  set  us  all  playing  the  most 
absurd  old  games.  He  said  people  used 
to  play  them  in  the  thirteenth  and  four- 
teenth centuries.  JOSIAII  turned  glumpy 
and  said  he  didn't  believe  they  were 
ever  played,  then  or  at  any  other  time, 
and  Aunt  GOIJMK  backed  him  up.  Poor 
thing,  she  had  tried  desperately  hard 
all  day  to  be  young  and  keep  pace  with 
us.  but  she  couldn't  stay  the  distance, 
she  was  short  of  gallops  from  the  first, 
and  at  last  crumpled  up  entirely  and 
vanished  to  the  upper  regions. 

Everyone's  been  so  sweet,  loading 
me  with  congrats  on  my  success  in 
gett  ing  Christmasout  of  thelumber-room. 
The  "  Sideglancer,"  the  "  Peeress  "  and 
••  West-Knd  Whispers  "  have  all  written 
to  ask  for  interviews  and  photos,  and 
they  want  me  to  send  them  articles  on 
••Christmas  as  an  Opportunity  for 
Hostesses,"  "Christmas  Hedivivus,"  and 
so  on.  WKK-WEE  says  that  that  little 
Mrs.  JIMMY  SILVRPE  will  be  green  and 
yellow  with  envy. 

It  seems  a  pity,  just  as  I'm  enjoying 
such  a  bla/e  of  triumph,  that  .Insivii 
and  1  should  have  had  our  lirst  no. 
not  (/mim1/,  I  never  quarrel,  it  's  d*> 


much  trouble  but  he  l>egan  tocoiupliiin 
of  certain  Christmas  customs,  the  nnstlc- 
t(x^  and  all  that,  you  know. 

"Why,"  1  said,  "you  ought  to  be 
iiiinii'iixrlij  proud  that  your  wife  has 
brought  back  Christmas.  And  you 
ought  to  rerercncf  all  those  old  Yuletide 
customs.  Don't  you  know  that  we  get 
the  mistletoe  and  all  its  privileges  direct 
from  the  Druids  ?  " 

And  he  actually  said  the  Druids  might 
be  lomethimjrd,  and  that,  if  they  sot  all 
that  nonsense  going,  they  ought  to  have 
been  ashamed  of  themselves.  And  he 
went  on  to  say,  "  Such  romping  and 
flirting  may  be  pardonable  in  boys  and 
girls,  but  men  ought  to  have  more  sense, 
and  marrifd  iromen  more  reserve  and 
dignity.  And  I  tell  you  plainly, 
1'ii.AMHK,"  he  wound  up,  "that  I  effect 
those  qualities  in  my  wife." 

"Reserve?  D'ujniti/.'"  1  cried.  "  My 
denr  man,  where  do  you  pick  up  these 
weird,  old-world  expressions?  And.  if 
you  wanted  those,  qualities  in  your  wife. 
why  on  cnrlh  didn't  you  look  for  her  in 
the  Middle  Classes  ? '  He  said  no  m.  >re, 
and  neither  can  I  just  now,  except  that 
I'm  Kver  thine,  BLAN<  m:. 

P.S.— I'm  afraid  I  see  symptoms  in 
JOSUH  of  being  rude  to  NORTY-  such 
bad  form,  you  know,  in  his  own  house1 
and  so  ungrateful  too,  for  it  was  thnm-li 
Noiiiv  he  first  got  a  footing  in  Society 
and  met  Mi' ! 


bhek 

I  il J(  Ml  "    "  • 

|M.riH'tii:d  wet   Mack  mud  ll^'ii  tliclll. 
..  y,  i       "  I    know  th.-m   both. 

' 


satin    with 

,liv.- 


"I1"11    ''•    ;""' 
Mack    paws    with 


' 


Jfoiiimy  Emflayf.  " Naow  then,  'urry  up.  Sir! 


NEW   YEAR    RESOLUTIONS. 


"  There  'B  that  bill  of  my  tailor's,"  I 
said    earnestly.     "The   fellow   lias  cer- 


WM  silent  nnd    thoughtful,  awl  tainly  expressed  his  wishes  crudely,  hut 

d«  no  pretence  at  all  of  following  my  1  really  tliink 

vuivrnali.ii      I   knew  that  it  wag  not  "Please  try  to  be  sensible,"  she  mad 

brilliant,  hut  it  wan.  after  all.  my  U-st  ;  quite  severely.     "  1  wasn't  joking  at  all. 

ami  all  bonent  LiU-ur  i*  worthy  of  some  M.nvever,  since— 

alight  reward.  "  Then  1  will  be  serious,  too,"  I  said 

I  bad  given  her  my  views  upon  the  with  Midden  courage.     "I  want  to  tell 

theatre*,  ami   t-he   hall   smiled   sym|<i-  you  my  one  great  Good  Intention.     I 

thetically  and  mid.  OH  though  agreeing  want     1  want " 

with  my  rvnwrka,  tlint  she  had  Ui  "  I  think,  if  you  don't  mind,  I  should 

many  when  poor  Mr.  I'AIHIIKU^UAXXEB.-  like  to  tell   you  mine,"  she  said,  as  I 

•AX  lost  bu  Mat  in  Uoncbmti  r.  gasped  and  groped  for  words.     "  I  am 

I   .                  r.ima  hurriedly,  to  toueh  going    to    conquer    all    my    faults,    of 

with  a  light  band  upon  the  Suffrage  for  course " 

•  •    I  *    __n_n_»T_T^    A    »>.B»lr     xvf     nn»i  i>PMvnr>  fgn  t  ti  \t\ 


..,-.._...  and  ahe  said  that  she  II.K!  not 
ret  been  able  to  get  it  from  that  lireaorae 
library.  Then  I  turned  to  my  iiM-iiea, 
drawing  in  nuulerly  style  ii|«.n  that  un- 
failing hank  the  W«-.ith<-r.  nnd  at  tliatahe 
did  muM  hcwlf  frum  her  almtraction. 

i1    if  yon  cannot  d<>  i-n.r  tlian 
tl.r  Forecast,"  abe  Mid  indignant  I 
•hall  really  hare  to  try     ***"  ' 


It  aeems  a  work  of  supererogation," 
1  murmured  very  humbly. 

"  I  don't  quite  know  what  that  means," 
•be  answered  coldly.    "  But  I  suppose 


it's  something  sarcastic  and    ~ 

However,  no  one  can  do  more  than  tlirir 
U*t.      Hut   besides  my    faults    1 


•i't   unite  make  up  my  mind  what  to 
do  al  x 'Ui 

•  What    is    it    that    you   can't   divide 
your  •(range,  unnatural  nliout  ?  "  I  a> '» 

"  Why.     I    can't     divide     whether     to 


"If  yon  only  would!*"    I    implored 
her.    "  It  WM  your  •tnugs,  unnatural 


VM    thinking."    alie    K 
"b/. 


iuM  rum 

• 

I  atared  at  her 
I  had  no  gau. 


If 


'«pt  one.  I  had 

burn  Boring  my  coumgr  for  the  kat 


Boring  my  cc 
nka.     I  caught 


V  M  a 


iman     I  caught  at  flippancy 
drowning  Milor  catcbea  at  another, 


'  pay  more 

:-    Uie    question   of 
instance.1 

harmless  i 

I  Kiiil  indulgently. 

"  Ab  !  you  sn<  irw."  she 

_Jd.  "  Unt  l«-t  mi-  ti-ll  you  what 
happened  fn>m  rn<t  lining  it.  You  know 
Aunt  .ink.  and  you.  know  her 

•ddiil  lirightlr.     Aunt  .TANK  wears 


One  of  tin--  days  .-he'll    pciMiade 

.     a     ...      .;.  |8  with  hex  once  tori 

often." 

She    stared    at    me    for    a     moment 
indignantly,    then     she     smiled    with    a 

-training  gravity. 

••  You    mean    Hijoti,   of  course?       she 
said.       "  l-'or  a   moment    I    thon-' 

|H-aking  of  dear  Aunt  .1  VM  '      I'-ut 
Hijnii  will   never  shake   hands  with  any- 

Bhe'i  d, 

1    expressed    regret    hy  a  slight    hut 
efTivtive  pantomime. 

••  Y.-s.    she's    dead."     she     continu.il, 
"and    perhaps    she     might     have 
saved.       Aunt    .1  \NK    told    me    at- 
herself,  and  we  Ix.th  crieil.       One  morn- 
ing a   week   ago    Hijoii    was    frisking 
around   In  i  MI;  and    happy,  and 

Aunt  .1 ASK  said  out  loud.  '  How  well  and 
young  my  darling's  looking!      Slie  was 
In'tter   in  all    her   life.'      -I"-/   *''<' 
forgot  to  toucJt  uin«l !  " 

1  looked  a  question. 

"  Kiin  over  l>y  a  horrid,  horrid  motor- 
car  within    the   week,"    she    answers! 
s;idly.      "  And.  as   Aunt   .1  \N, 
migilt    have    been   saved.        So.    \..n    see. 

•.linly  proves  that  wi««l  ought   to 
U-  touched  whenever  ]x*vsilile.     !'•• 
it  might  do  good,  and  it  la  so  easy  to 
do.     Hut  then     there  was  the  case  of  the 
-alt   at  dinner    the   other    day.      1    spilt 
and    then    threw  it    over   my   left 
shoulder.     1  acted  for  the  hest.  and   yet 
a  good  deal  of  trouble  came  of  it.     I  low 
to  know  that  PARKINS  was  standing 
U'hind  me?" 

••  Well  ?  "  I  said  sympathetically. 
"Yes,    she    went!      Yon     know    what 
servaii'  She  told    mother  that   it 

might  not  have  IKVII  intentional,  hut 
she  really  didn't  (are  to  ri>k  it  again. 
And  she  was  such  a  perfect  maid  ! 

"So  what  are  you  to  do?"  she  went 
on,  and  her  forehead  was  wrinkled  in  the 
most  charming  fashion.  '  Neglecting 
one  precaution  kills  ]K«.r  Hijou,  and 
taking  another  almost  Minds  poor  PAK- 

What  is  one  to  do  for  the  licst  ? 
1  think  it  was  those  delightful  wrinkles 
that  ga\e  me  courage. 

I    don't    know   a    little   hit."    I    said  ; 
hut    I    will    give    the    matter    earne.-l 
,t.  and    1  will   cling   to  or  discard 

rstilion   in   the   world   :\ 
shall  chi«>se,   if  you   will   only   listen  to 
my  own  great  tlixxl  Intention 

"Well      if  I  must."  slie  said  patiently. 

***** 
At  the  end  of  a  satisfactory  interview- 
she  announced    it  as   her  conviction  that 
•  .uld    lie    happy   ever    afterwards. 
Then  :::lnTcd  that  she  had  heen 

ng  nnd  ought  to  touch  Wood.      So 
she  tapped  me  on  the  head. 


JANUARY  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Lfi 


A    YEAR'S    REGRETS. 


If  only  I  kail  Men  tk«  tr«J>. 


If  only  I  kad  not  teen  lighting  up. 


only  I  U)  ki.V«J. 

.  tk.  k.ll. 


If  oaly  I  kftJ  J>lay€ J  forward  inHtid  of  tacit. 


If  only  tkc  cork  k*J  not  com*  out  of  tkt  kottle. 


If  only  I  katl  kung  on  to 


If  only  I  kaJ  kept  my  eye  on  tke  t.ll  inrte.J  of  tke  girl.  tke  punt  inrteaj  of  tke  pole.  If  only  I  k.J  killed  fcefore 


M 


IT  NTH,   OR  T1IK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Till 
7fc»  T*aily  Krprru  of  December  SO 

of   young   carol-cadgers. 


Uw   training 

H  i ' 


ing 


..  about  < 

time.     We  an-  fortunate  in  obuin- 
Ji  <lraflol    prospectus   <•(   thf 


Prutrsft  m.  (ofdi> 

educational  mnrr»ir>    \*-g*  to  inform  the 

•    .    •-.'.-•• 

of  the  Metropolis  and  Suburbs  that  he 
has  returned  to  town  from  m  lengthy 
walking  tour  in  the  Province*.  .< 
aow    prepared    to    muroe    his  winter 
eoune  of  Lectures. 

The  subjects  of  instruction  include : 
Variations  on  three 

well  -  k  nown 

Hymn  tunes,    or. 

How  to  sing  in 

several    k- 


holidays    is    sotnew 
depends  on  the  length   of    tin- 
served  elsewhere  by  the  Professor. 
The  Carol-Cadgers'  Academy   • 
leuominnlioiuil  ami    n< 
- 


difficulties  occur  wi  ih  r 

n   Act. 
Principal  diacv 

PS.      1'upil-t  an-  caulione.l   ;i^.un-t 

ills.lddre.-Nr,  III   the    I'ollcf. 

TIIK    SI  AT1.SMAN    AS    IN  VKNT"  •!;. 
THK  "  Halfour  seat-*tick,"  devised  l.y 
the  late  PWME  MIM-IHI  and  Mr 
W»\HMV  and  fully  described  m  Uif 

Time'  >'•« -r  -'-.  i-    ""'   l1"1  ""'> 

instance    of    m.vliainc.d      inventr 

highly-placed  j-oliticians. 


The  dettrery  of  the 
rrs-spoadiBg 

nws  with  a  .In. 
disregard  of  tlu-ir 


The  Art  of 

n.    or    Muring 
fie  Cn|ipen«. 

CsnJlinK  mi. 
holm,  with  1 
on    bring    Kuk 
I  •  • 

Some    Useful 
partees,  on  being 
sent  empty  away 

The  MuMcs!  Treat 
men!    of    Arias, 
including    Area- 
sneaking. 
I.  - 

an  Aid  to  Money 
making. 

The  Borrowed 
Baby,  and  where 
to  Pinch  it  within 


Will.-  j--].iil:irity  is  :iK«)  antii-ipai- 

n.-r's  Knot."  a  portable 
(-.mlrivan.-i-  which  .-nahl-  •»   of 

ordinary    ).liyM.|ii.-    I"    In-iM   any  article, 

,  r.ul  M-nlll.-  I"  .1  ^r.ind  IM..- 
to  his  luck  and  carry  il    without    !  . 

Tli,-   "  1.1  '  •'•  r' 

which    ill.-    PWBWnn    o»-    mi:    I'..M:I>  .'K 
.    with  lli.- 

,,f   ji,  :..  i^  a  remarkabi] 

an.)  1.  1~!.  -fill  roiiiliinalion  of  a  conductor's 

;ind  a  life  |.r.--.Tv.-r.  tin-  i 
knoh  U-inK  r.-inovalil.-  wh.-n  lh.-  i 
ii.ciit  is  n-'iuin^l  for  In-alin^  tiiu.-  durin« 

.-  of  anth.-in.s.  hyni! 
Tin-    "  Win-ton     Auto-Con 
charming  Intl.-  toy  .which   t: 


. 
run  th<-  ^r.uiiojihoii.-  hard   in  popularity, 


utter  how  iiii- 
"r  '»- 
ca]ialil>-,  to  Mow  his 
own  IriiinjH-t  with- 
out tin-  slight.--! 
.-(Tort.  NOIII-  an- 
i,'.-nninc  without  the 
si^Mialnri'  of  tin- 
I'M.  i  -i!  Si  i  mi  utY 

KoR       1IIK       Co. 

-tani|.«-d      on      the 
moatnpieoe. 


Jaryr. 
DO  TBR  *ti«  ?  ' 

OUJoe.  "  WOT.  wnu*  ma 


"WHO'S    WHO"    IN    THE    WEST. 

Ol   DC   '**•  TILL  18  T««T  '«    MAKE    TH«    CoUWEL  A  '  M.V.O.'       NOW   WHET 


Mocoirr  OT?    '  Monrrt  o1  Vox-'Ocsros.'  TO  BE  SOEB!' 


"Tm  H 
l.r.i.i  i'! 
eipresaed  opposite 

II.-  li.i  i 
f.umluir      with 

:ui.l    li"     lli.'iiKli! 
theagil.iiH'ii  ("f  n-fiinn 

•        :•   IlillK 

of  I  Jttln  proceedixl  f  rmu 

I>r     (il« 

adverse  to  tin-  n> 

ffOfk. 


eanbot  of   the  In  th.-  course  of  a  m-.-nt  tour  of  the  m.uiice  Dr. 


would    kindly 


nam.-  in  any 


Philanthropic.  WiM  Knd  shops,  Mr.  I'unch's  n'pntw-n-    the  other  qui-stion  would  settle  r 

Bow  to  sruid   being  Pinched  (by  the  tative  ascertained  that  quite  a  numln -r 


The  Whole  Theon  of  being  a  PuMu 

W      *        t^rwi 

Piuatssor  FMJW  receives  punils  of  any 
age  from  three  years  upwards,  exhiln- 
tinos  being  granted  to  Infants  in  arms. 
The  third  and  fourth  cadgers  of  a  bat 


of  useful  impleinents  liave  Ixt-n  j..r 


and  i. laced  on  the   To  Til  :    or   no:  M\k-ni  S  llool. 

..K  l'in-!ii-.\i.  Ci  i. n 


by  eminent 

mark 

-^bery  Spade^Oate,'  which 
ingeniously  combines  these  two  u^-fnl 
artirlrs,  will  no  doubt  t>ro\e  an 

l.ible  boon  to  thorn-  who  unite  a 

pay  half-fees,  which  in  ordinary  canrs  for1iKririiltur.il  lalxxiruith  a  ]..irti:dity 
are  the  price  >•(  a  j« 4  c>(  lierr 

and  SO  per  cent. extra  with  wordn.       'I    ••    '  K.-ir  ll.irdi>  liJ^ad," 

I  from  d.  in_ 

licalions    fur    admiiwio:  l>>   the  •    the    hil«.ur  

ade  at  Si  :ty.    i»    a    weaj-m    of    ih.-     thrusting 

i'arrntu  c>r  (iuanlim  -.vith    an    cxtraor.lin.inl-.         !  !         \         kl    :    Pun  Thus 

'.    and    wh.-n    Middi-nly   du^    when  \\.-  consider  the  VNOHMOIS  nilvan- 

•  •ales  or    Character.     'Flu-    into    the    Hunk    or    tin-    hump   of  ~nltin#  from    Life  Assurance  to 

->n  is  the  possessinn  of  a  calcitrant    l.-ad.-r    |r  •!-;..•-   tin-    d.--n.d    iho>.-    who   die   s<»n    ...    it    Ix-comes 
j«ir  <if    InniT1-      The  iltiratk«i   of  the  iMOJIiritli  quite  antoni^hing  rapidity.       abundantly  plain,"  Ao. 


I'l.-asi-  stop  my  HIM.  from  ha\  in^ 
il   Tort  ure.     ( >ur  house   is   badly 
Imill   and   HIM.  lix.-s   his   d.-vi-lejM-r  in  a 
fr.-sh  ].l.ic.-  ,  \.-ry  \\.-.-k. 

Sin.     After    thro-    inonllis 

S-h.«.l   of    I'hysieal    Culture.    • 

m.-    thr.-e    month- 


JANUARY  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


17 


IS 


Under 
Jight- 


A    CHRISTMAS    COLD. 

THE  moment  I  heard  HARRY'S  key  in 
the  door  I  was  conscious  of  a  presenti- 
ment of  evil ;  then  lie  sneezed,  and  a 
sinister  shadow  like  a  pall  settled  over 
our  home.  He  had  come  home  with  a 
cold,  and  it  was  Christmas  Eve. 
ordinary  conditions  HARRY 
hearted  and  lovable,  but  only 
his  nearest  and  dearest,  that 'a 
me,  can  testify  how  a  common 
cold  changes  his  character, 
and  really,  if  he  had  caught 
one  during  our  fianceehood,  I 
doubt  if  1  should  have  married 
him. 

Omitting  his  usual  greeting 
as  he  entered  the  room,  he 
strode  to  the  fire,  and  sweep- 
ing aside  the  Christmas  cards 
I  had  arranged  on  the  mantel- 
piece to  gladden  his  eye,  de- 
manded with  a  fierce  glare 
"  If  we  were  short  of  coals,  or 
what  ?  "  I  did  not  mention 
by  name  the  disaster  that  had 
befallen  us,  but  heaped  coals 
on  the  fire  and  tenderly  sug- 
gested ainmoniated  quinine. 
He  shook  his  head.  "  It  must 
take  its  course,"  he  replied 
darkly.  My  heart  sank ;  I 
knew  that  course  so  well. 

"  Then  I  'd  better  wire  to 
say  we  can't  go  to-morrow,"  I 
said.  We  were  going  to  a 
Christmas  family  party. 

"  You  can  go,"  he  replied. 
"  Of  course  I  shan't." 

"  Then  of  course  I  shan't," 
I  said  ;  "  but  the  servants  are 
all  going  out." 

"  Let  them  go,"  he  replied. 
"  We  shan't  want  them. 
You  'd  better  keep  ELIZA  in." 

"  There  's  nothing  much  to 
eat  in  the  house,"  I  said 
dubiously. 

"  We  shan't  want  anything," 
he  said.  "  You  don't  suppose 
1  can  eat  with  this  cold?" 

"  Well— er — perhaps  ELIZA 
can,"  I  suggested  meekly. 

"  She  'd  better  get  a  turkey 
and  a  brace  of  pheasants  for 
herself,  then,"  he  remarked 
with  bitter  irony,  and  feeling 
rather  put  out  myself  I  gave 
ELIZA  some  money  and  told  her  to  get 
something  extra,  just  what  she  liked. 
Taking  me  at  my  word,  she  purchased 
three  boxes  of  crackers  and  a  cake. 

For  the  rest  of  the  evening  HARRY  sat 
silently  brooding  over  the  fire,  and 
sniffing  at  regular  intervals  of  twenty 
seconds  ;  twice  he  sneezed  in  a  strangled 
manner  that  brought  relief  to  neither  of 
us,  and  three  times  he  swore  at  the 
servants  because  they  opened  the  door 


when  they  came  into  the  room.  At 
dinner  he  burst  into  conversation — 

"What's  this?"  he  asked  wearily, 
glowering  at  his  plate. 

"Cod,"  I  replied. 

"It  tastes  like  sodden  wood,"  he  said  ; 
"  take  it  away."  But  that  was  when  In- 
had  eaten  the  greater  part  of  it,  and  in 
spite  of  laying  down  his  knife  and  fork 


DURING    THE    GREAT   SNOW-STORM    SCENE 


The  Wanderer  (sotto  race).  "  IF  THFSE  S.VOWFLAKES  KF.FJ>  ON  CATOHING 

ALIGHT,   WE   8HAI.L   HAVE  THE    BAI.LY   BHOW   ON   FIRE  !  " 


I  '11  look  at  them  later,"  wlieii  I  presented 
my  Christmas  gifts.  His  c  .M  had 
apparently  reached  the  second  stage, 
for  he  spent  the  morning  savagely  \i\n\\-- 
ing  his  nose,  ami  heaving  such  heart 
tearing  sighs  that  I  was  obliged  to  go 
down  to  the  kitchen  and  pull  a  few 
cracker^  with  ELIZA  to  keep  my  spirits  up. 
After  lunch,  when  I  shared  the 
menu  of  beef-tea  and  gruel, 
to  save  trouble,  the  third 
phase  made  its  appeal 
lie  no  longer  sat  by  the  tire. 
but  strode  up  and  down  the 
room,  sounding  his  chest  with 
his  fist,  and  making  i-.incini- 
noises  in  his  throat.  lint 
after  tea  he  subside  I  again  in 
his  chair,  and  sat  with  his 
eyes  closed  and  the  tips  of  his 
right-hand  fingers  on  tin- 
pulse  of  his  left  wrist,  while  I 
read  "God's  (!<XM|  Man. "ami 
tried  to  forget  it  was  Christ- 
mas night.  Suddenly  he 
sprang  to  his  feet,  and  seiz- 
ing the  Stores  price  list  Ix-jjan 
Studying  its  contents.  This 
was  a  new  and  welcome  phase 
—I  hoped  it  meant  a  renewed 
interest  in  life,  and  also  that 
In-  had  suddenly  rememlx-red 
he  had  not  bought  nie  a 
Christmas  present.  Rising 
quietly,  I  peeped  over  his 
shoulder;  he  closed  the  lxx>k 
hastily,  but  not  before  1  had 
seen,  with  a  horrid  pang,  that 
it  was  open  at  the  illustrated 
price  list  of  monumental  head 
stones,  and  I  hurried  down- 
stairs again  to  pull  a  few  more 
crackers,  but  found  Eu/i  had 
a  friend  in  the  kitchen,  so 
wandered  back  again. 

At  dinner  he  refused  all  the 
invalid  dishes,  though  Ki.i/v 
had  thoughtfully  trimmed 
them  with  holly,  but  hel|>od 
himself  bountifully  to  maca- 
roni cheese.  An  hour  later, 
in  a  gentle  submissive  voice 
that  brought  the  tears  to  my 
eyes,  he  asked  for  a  kettle  of 
boiling  water,  a  large  soda- 
water  glass  and  a  lemon. 
With  these  he  mixed  himself 


occasionally  to  take  a  deep  breath  lie 
really  made  quite  a  good  meal.  After- 
wards he  retired  for  a  hot  bath  and  to 
sleep  between  blankets,  and  I  sent  out 
half-a-crown  to  the  Waits  to  ask  them  to 
go  away,  as  there  was  sickness  in  the 
house. 

On  Christmas  morning  he  came  down 
to  breakfast  in  his  overcoat,  remarking 
grimly  "  About  the  same,"  in  answer  to 
tentative  enquiries,  and  "  Much  obliged, 


a  huge  quantum  of  hot  nun  ; 

and  in  the  bilious  attack 
that  followed  I  am  thankful  to  say  the 
cold  was  forgotten. 


"I  may  perhaps  venture  to  point   out  that 
JAMES  THE  SEVENTH  o£  Scotland  ami 
Kn^laiid  was  not  the  great  grandson  of  Queen 
MANY,  but  her  great  grand  nephew,  bm-1 
her  great  graml-mi  CHARLES  THE  SECOND." — "A 
Scottish  Baronet "  in  Modern  Society. 

Ansver  to  "  Scottish  Baronet." — Your 
uprights  were  correct,  but  one  of  the 
lights  was  missing.  Try  again  next  week. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
( JJ,  Mr.  PUN*'*  Btaf  of  Lttmud 

T1»  MoeVrn  Hey.  by  Mra.  V  Oa«    «  .HPMAX 

_  ux.).  is  a  collection  of  comfortable  little  tales  in  aket 
•  which  reflect  a  eafioent  knowledge  and  observat 

Kit  overmach  analysis.  They  are  told  at  break 
l«ed.  and  it  is  all  over  every  time  before  you  can  get 
TUUT  aeoond  wind.  They  remind  me,  too,  of  a  box  of  aaaorted 
sweeu  where  each  destroys  the  taste  of  the  one  before,  and  it 
doesn't  matter  because  the  next  ia  just  ae  good  and  is  going 
to  do  just  the  same.  If  distinction  ie  possible,  the  Comedies 
an  beat,  and  "  Freddie's  Engagement"  perhaps  the  beet  of 
these .  Tragedies  are  also  good,  when  they  are  not  too 

obvious,  and  when  they  give  Mrs.  Cunoto  a  chance  for  her 

pIseaMl    gift      (  evni.-.d   humour   .,.   m       r'.dw.ird    Brim-m's 

Return."     One  feature  of  the  book  is  its  needlessly  precise  And  *..•„.  and  soon. 


••Mil 

,.  w  a  page  ,,f  birtbry,  a.,,1  Mr   HKAIUY  illumr 


P««. pie's  wratl 

is  a  page  o«  •••..••" . 
graphic  touches  conveyed   from  the  writing  of 

men  and  wdmcu  who  t..,k  part  in  the  ».["•''" 

Mr   ,1               .        Inok.  N«     I  B  '•"lliv- 

ation   tionof  iiui.e  rcmarkal,  j" ''    <-'K' 

title  from i  manner  of   speak 

-    lihran-  in  itself,  and  an  intelligent  knack  of  pn.pi. 

.1  11?  1.1.  ..ft  tin 


n>e   U) 


.11. lliles 

overhear    the    public    librarians    of    the    near    fnl 

delivering  some  such  scraps  of  conversation  -^  the  follow 
-  Kmivi.  madam?     Something   typical?     H.-n-  8    the 

thing.     Uoani  ' '"•'1  9«J  ".  .V'r 

full  of  recondite,  yet  interesting,  t.vhm,  air 
Wins   Sirv     The  s«-ientilic   line     plausible   impossibilities 
Certainly.      V  page  117     'The  Shadow  and 

1  ;!   varn  alxmt  two  invisible  men  who  kill  each  oi 
There  an-  s.  \,  r.d  oil.- 

ini_-l.t     at 


think  that  thi*  i«  "The  Ifcxlern 
though  I  doubt  if  the 
title  is  otherwise  always  ap- 
plicable. Certainly  the  hook 

on  nothing  about  bridgi 
or  motors,  and  still  leai  about 
hallooM  and  aeroplanes;  it 
luoka  a*  if,  ;I(I«T  all.  the  "  way 

nian  with  a  maid "  can 
..till  dispense  with  theae  pro- 
perties. 

Mr.    BUDBT    acknowl< 
hia    indrbtedntMS    to    > 

•  .  prince  among  diarwU. 
[or  the  matenals  from  which 
be  paints  hia  picture  of  Thf 
Grtat  ItayM  of  Vrrta'Mef 
u.  Kum*)  He  does  not 
confine  himself  to  that  source, 
drawing  upon  other,  happily 
the 


MiT,   DtBHIT 

or  THE  PIT." 
,  "XirltoUon't  XIm.in-i.-fc  "/  S;wr(«." 


result  ia  a  full,  picturesque,  personal  record 

life  and  doings  which,  if  they  did  not  belong  to  undisputed  of  Army 
history,  might  be  suspected  aa  the  work  of  SWIFT  in  his  most 
nalevulrat  u..«l.  For  seventy-two  years  l>-i  i-  HIK  F.nu- 
nzmi  not  only  reigned  in  France  but  mk-l.  It  i-  almost 
unpoamible  (or  men  in  these  days  to  realise  the  completeness 
of  bU  auurrary.  We  find  aome  travesty  of  it  in  the  vagaries 
of  the  German  Kumna.  But  ho  is  restrained  to  a  certain 
extent  by  public  opinion  and  the  criticisms  of  the  Press. 
The  eommonplace.  curiously  ignorant  person,  abjectly  hailed 
ae  LB  (huuo>  MOUMCI.  waa  free  from  such  bonds.  He  was 


of  War   Ministers  of    our  tim.-s 
Reform  which,  like 


if  they  like,  to  make  u-e  of  my 
mono!  i  he  fact  is  that 

the  author,  intlm-m  •  d.  doubt- 
v  the  trend  ill    popular 

ii;is   iincoiix  ioiisly   hap- 
I  i-neil  uj-on  a  number  of  dis- 
tinct veins,  and  he  1 
each    of    them   as    well 
they   were    his   own     familiar 
Northern  Wild.      I  vent 
commend     him    to    maga/nie 
editors    who    are    an\io 
nil  nee   their    1  'titri- 

-.     

Mi:  I'xn.-li'*  Military  I 
tells     him    that     Mr.     A 

FIII;>IH;'S    Tl"    .\riinf  in 
Mu;:  primarily     the 

i  ,.f  .,11  honest  attempt 
by  one  of  the  Ix-st  abused 
to  deal  with  the  problem 
tin-  i  M  much  with 

w.-re 

this    Umk.    wiiich     must     lu- 
st might  forward      explanation, 
.    i     ,  .-me.        It      \\ill 

had    only     the     inaccurate 


abaokile  neater,  not  only  of  the  deetiniea  ol  but  of 


us   as   ever.     That    Mr. 

miMiiidcrMi«id    i-   clear    from 

regarded    as    a    plain     and 

rather     than     a     defence,    of 

l»    welcoiiie<l    liy    all    who     have 

dednctioi  :       'iaini-iit   and   the   l'n>8S  on   which    to 

their  opinions.     Tl.,-    M..II-.-   of   Cnii:i  a    whole. 

been  lace   economy  al»ovc  dhcicncy  ;    to  a.  •.  ept 

the  formula  '2-1+2-  ?>  withool   dc'.  I1.'  I  ,81 

welcome  any  boup-truxt  aubftituiion  of  lift<-*-n  omu-es  f»r  one 


the  hourly  actions  of  the  Court  that  surrounded  him.     From   ]«mnd  NO  long  as  there  is  an  effective  catch  phra-r  on  the 
the  time  be  IUM  in  the  morning  till  he  went  t<>  bed,  attended   wrapper. 

Advocates  of  compul  ice   will  find   tin-  arguments 

against  their  the.  -ry  H-t    out    herein  :,  i  and   forcihle 

-tjle.     Tli'-v  arc  based  U|KUI  a  coiiNiderat  ion  of  the  com.  • 

.i-r  than  of  the  cry  that  "  the  nation  will  have  none1 
of  it";  and  they  in-iM  that  value  f.  ,r  money  .should  In-  tin- 
test  of  any  scheme  prop<  *•>•<!.  It  wa.->  a  happy  idea  of  Mr. 

M-    to    the    public    liefore    the 

proini-a-,1  Army  S-heme  of  the  present  S-cn-tary  ol  War  had 
IH-.-II  reveali-<l  to  IIM.  and  we  may  exj«-ct,  and  Mr.  H.M.HASK  will 
cloiilitlisvH  welcome,  a  broader  and  n.  'dug  criticism 

of  that  Hcheine  than  would  have  IMVII  jK^sihle  U-forc  the 
publication  of  this  hook. 


v  step  by  ordered  ceremonial,  be  waa  the  object  of 
an  adulation  sickening  to  read  about    Mr.  Butm  makes 

his  failings  the 

lack  of  education  in  hia  youth,  deliberate) y  ordered  by  U  v 
who  shrewdly  thought  it  would  not  suit  his  puqNMu  if  his 
roong  charge,  coming  to  the  throne,  knew  too  much.    At 
best  be  was  a  poor,  stuffed.  thing,  selfish,  cruel, 

i.  -dl    with   advancing  years  he 

wan  t:  the  annn  of  th.-  prieMM.     Thnmgh  his 

f:igg>4*  of   thr   furniuv  of   \l>-\    1 

•«ems  a  lack  of  portical  justice  that  he 
waa  not   Li]  |--1    up    in    the   UatiM-   and   fury   of   the   long- 


JAM  \ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


r.i 


OUR    SLATE-CLUB    DINNER. 

Chairman.  "I'n  sriiK  WE  BE  AI.I.  VERY  sonny  oun  SECRETARY  is  NOT  HEHE  TO-NIGIIT.    I  CANNOT  HAY  WE  MISS  'is  VACANT  CHAIH,  BIT 

I  DO  SAY  WE   MISS   'IS   VACANT   FACE." 


IN  COMMITTEE. 

I 'i,e  minutes  of  a  debate  held  this  morning, 
as  usual,  in  tin1  licit  of  a  yoimj;  geptleman  (if 
the  name  of  HKOWN.  at  the  hour  of  7.30  A.M. 

Mr.   Kl(ottS,  lieillj;  the  only   perflOn   present,   ei  in - 

slilutes,  for  ihe  jiiirjiosc  of  the  following,  "the 
House."] 

As  six  11 1  as  Hie  House  was  snll'ieii'iilly 
awake  to  consider  any  serious  liusincss, 
Mr.  Bi;n\v\,  without  producing  any 
reason,  argument,  or  a(lr<|iiato  r\i-iiso. 
]ir(iposc(l  the  following  motion :  "'Iliat 

tins  House  do  not  got   up  juxt  yet." 

The  iiiotioi)  was  si'roiideil,  with  sonic 
slianie,  by  Mr.  Hitows. 

A  silence  of  pained  surprise  followed 
this  proposal,  and  after  some  delay  Mr. 
I>KOW.N  booked  leave  to  oppose  the 
motion.  hi  an  earnest  and  closely 
reasoned  speech  lie  exhorted  the  House 
to  ignore  this  vile  suggestion)  the 
motive  of  which  could  lie,  and  was, 
nothing  else  that;  a  cowardly  fear  of 
the  impending  cold  bath.  1  'he  House 
must  not  let  itself  be  deterred  on  so 
frivolous  a  pretext,  not  let  itself  be 
frightened  by  the  prospect  of  that  which, 
if  it  only  knew  it,  was  its  chief  delight. 
Hather  let  it  turn  its  attention  to  its 
breakfast :  hot  coffee  ad  libitum  and 


hotter  porridge  (inter  alia)  if  it  got  up ' 
now  ;  if  it  delayed,  then  cold  everything 
and  less  than  little  of  that.  Supposing 
the  hungry  brothers  of  the  House  once 
got  a  start,  how  much  breakfast  would 
tin-;/  leave?  What  steps  would  tin-;/ 
take  to  keep  hot  what  they  did  leave  '>. 
He  then  called  the  attention  of  tin- 
House  to  the  state  of  the  clock.  The 
hands,  be  it  observed,  were  pointing  to 
7.45  A.M.,  and  that  was,  if  anything, 
slow.  Had  not  the  House  sworn  last 
night  to  get  up  at  seven  o'clock  prompt  ? 
Was  not  the  House  bound  to  be  at  the 
office  at  nine  o'clock  ?  The  thing  w< mid 
be  done  with  ease  if  the  House  would 
only  get  up  now.  Otherwise  the  House 
\\onld  have  to  run  for  a  mile  and  a  half 
up  hill,  and  probably  be  late  even  then. 
Then  again,  was  the  House  prepared  to 
sacrifice  the  greatest  pleasure  of  the 
day  to  an  object  utterly  unworthy  ?  \\  as 
the  House,  in  fact,  prepared  to  give  up 
its  after-breakfast  pipe?  Finally,  let 
the  House  remember  that 

"  Early  to  bed,  early  to  rise, 

Makes  a  man  healthy,  wealthy  anil  wise." 

Was  the  House  ready  to  abandon  its 
health,  its  wealth  and  its  wisdom? 
Could  the  House  contemplate  with 


equanimity  the  jxissibility  of  becoming 
a  permanent  invalid,  pauper. and  lunatic? 
He  left  the  matter  at  that,  confident  that 
in  the  face  of  all  the  considerations  that 
had  been  urged  the  House  would  not 
remain  in  bed  a  minute  longer. 

Mr.  liitowx,  after  a  pause,  seconded 
the  opposition  to  the  motion  with  verb- 
ose enthusiasm. 

A  few  moments  elapsed  Ix-fore  Mr. 
BROWN  ventured  to  answer  in  defence  of 
his  motion.  At  length  he  submitted 
with  dillidence  that  the  Opposition  only 
desired  to  conquer  one  weakness  now 
in  order  to  yield  itself  more  thoroughly 
to  another  (and  less  innocent  one)  later. 
The  ideal  of  the  Opposition  was  an 
expansive  breakfast.  Of  course,  if  the 
House  liked  dyspepsia— 

On  a  division  the  House  unanimously 
rejected   the   motion  and   decided  I 
up,  if  not  at  once,  at  any  rate  in  a  \cry 
few  moments. 

The  House  rose  at  8.40. 

LITERARY  NEWS.— In  view  of  tlw  recent 
purchase  of  Tlie  Outlook  by  Lord   I 
(ne  GHSM  —  I  we  understand  that  the 
title  of  our  contemporary  is  to  be  changed 

to  Tlic  >t<»dlook. 


LONDON   CHAK1YAKI. 


vl;v 


THE    GREAT    TUNNEL    QUESTION. 

HorribU  r««ulU  anlicipaUd. 
M.r  «nUul  lh»  n««d  of  an  actual  army. 

«PP«*1  *«  *••  manhood  of  England. 
f-  W.  , 


»  to-«».  »  •      «« 

tLort  «*  aaim-1  -uliury  -erne.  on 
sufr  «.  -  «ak«ia«  by  u  •*«  r»k  the 
OoiTaia»abW  -toaejlsci  nuhuiy  pt»f»«- 


IT  was  a  District  pMeeoger  that  ml 
ted  like  •  l»he  within  its  in 
And  passing  me  hia  journal  point* 

i.,    .-.  .-•  NBHUl    ..'.  I  •• 

-Some  talk  of  sentiment  that  keeps  us  great— 

An  inland  -  rare  whose  rrnlm  is  on  the  sea ; 
•  Wand '  be  bknred !  a  smart  and  up-to-date 
Peninsula  for  M«.' 

,r  sires  were  Vikings?    Full  ..f  virile  grog 
Tbev  laughed,'  you  s»y.  '  to  ride  the  Channel  s  swell   .-1 
That  may  be  M>  ;  but  as  for  thi*  aea-dog— 
It  make*  him  most  unwell. 

"  That  '•  why  I  want  a  tube  arranged  below, 

To  let  my  stomach,  comfortably  packed, 
Achieve  the  Channel  half  an  hour  or  ao 
Sooner  and  still  intact. 

tnanoe  of  Nature's  bulwarks?       I:  •    I  My! 
If  I  can  sparemyedf  one  bilious  pang. 
1  '11  give  you  D»AKE  and  Co.  ;  they've  had  their  day  ; 
L«t  the  whole  crowd  go  hang ! 

"  Bat  if  this  placid  transit  should  imply 
A  manhood -army  as  the  only  sure 
to  avert  invasion  entering  by 
The  tunnel's  aperture, 

••  Thai  I  'm  against  the  project,  teeth  and  claws ; 

For,  though  the  Channel  turns  me  vilely  ill, 
To  have  to  help  at  need  my  country's  cause 

Would  turn  me  sicker  still."  "  B 


Vr     /••...•,/.,."•.    b"k     h-n-.    .I*.'K.     yon     nim.1     y,,ur    ..wn 

,r  ir.iin  if  y-'i  r.-  nnt  Muu-k. 
Would  tlu-  lllli  Kiut  y.ni.' 
Mr.  /•'.<!•,/./  •     \Vl,.it  for? 

Tli,-  dinner-party,  <\>-*r. 
01,,  this  wretched  dinner-pMty !     I  thought 
itWi...  I  •„,  s«r.-  tin-  Uthwontwutine. 

Mr,  I  '  w«l  ;l"  7'W'K''""'"1  f' <r.  l1':'!  ll:1-v  ' 

Mr.  i  Ul'.v  fliuuldnl   wi« 

,,t..  th.it  iii^ht? 

[y  w-i-  iiavi-  IKIMI  lO  enough  J.1.IVS  l..l.-l>. 

:i,;m  time  we  gave  anoUier 
;      •       e  here  since  November 

Besides!  UieBissTE-Mf- "ill  1-    in  town  then.     1  heard  from 

Mr    i  M7~~ 

M,»M  /•'..)•'./;/••'•.    Fatlu-r.   hush.     M.MIKI.,   h.nv   Mlly   you   nr.-, 


LIFE'S    LITTLE    DISCUSSIONS. 

THE*  Dtxxn-PABTT. 

Sam—Bnakfa*  at  the  Fordyce*. 

Mr  FOOT-*.  Mn.  Fonro*.  XMI  Foam*.  Mi*  MASO.  Fame* 

«*1  Mr.  Jon  Foam. 

Jfrr  Fardyft.  Don't  you  think,  dew,  w»  ought  to  give  a 
dinar-verty  soon? 


•  hy? 

.Vr*.  Fordytf.  Well,  we've  dined  out  a  good  deal  lately 
and  we  must  do  something  in  n«  • 

Vr  Fordyet.  Can't  you  a»k  the  wivea  to  lunch  when  I  n 

•       '     '.IT-     "' 

Ifr*.  Fordyt*.  But  they  want  to  tee  you.     It's  just  you 
they  want  to  see. 

Vr*  Fordyet.  Well.  Mr*.  (Vtvnrwnj. 
Vr  Fordytt.  Oh.  does  she  ?    W.  11. 1  don't  want  to  see  her. 
Vr».  Fordyc*.  1  'm  sure  von  were  roost  agreeable  to  her 
nra'  last  week.     You  were  laughing  all  the  time. 
I  watched  you. 

VIM  Fordyc*.  Well,  one  most  be  polite. 
Vr.  John  Fordyet  (dvbinuty).  Yes. 


4yct      Well,   father  V  quite    riKht,   ll 
the  m<wt  awful  Y-u  know  they  . 

A/IM  F'ir.hj';\  They've  alway>  Keen  very  D 

There  aren't    kinder   people    in    the    world 

than  the  !'• 

Vr.  /  're  kind. 

.Vr  ./../.I,- /  W.  -11.  I'm  off.    Goodbye  all    Qi 

fair   notice,  won't   you.  mother,  of    the    day  the    I 
are  coming. 

Mr*.  Fordyee.  Yes,  dear,  of  course  I  will,  and  then  you  are 

sure  to  lie  fre.-. 

.Vr.     ./../ni   F»r.l !!•••• .   Yes,    mother.    1  11    make    a    ,«,mt    of 

Th:  1    W.      My  dear  MxilKl.  what 

are  you  lauKhine,  at  ?     You  're  always  lau^hi"^ 

HIM  Mabel  Fordyt*.  At   any  rate,  mother,  if  yon   must 
have  the  BasTOUDS,  do.   i-l-.ise.  invite   Mr.  DBRaUl   I 
make  up  for  them  a  little. 
Mr*.  Fordyee.  Hut  he's  PO  very  i 

A/I'M  Mabel  Funlycr.  Well,  he  is  amusing,  anyhow,  and  he 
nakea  things  ^ 
.Vr.  Fordyee  (from  hit  paper  here  >  a  rum  tiling. 

.e  just  performed  an  njM-ration  on  a   ho.; 
Felintowe,  and  wliat  do  you  think  they  found  inside  him? 
Afr».  Fordyee.  '  leer,  don't  .  .  . 

MittFordyee.  Oh, father, pleasespareusthese  morlua details. 
A/r.  Fordy..  All  ri«ht.  all  ri^ht. 
Mrt.  Fartlyce.  (  !\M.M«>I  i  s.  dear,  just  make  a   ! 
people  U>  ask.     There's  the  three  HlNsn:\l*  and  Mr.  1' 
1  suppose  we  must  ha\e  Mr.  IIKHM\H,  if  MAIIKI 
him.     Then  ther.-  i-  Aunt  FlolH. 

A/r.  Fordyff.  If  your  Aunt  Fi/iRA  comes,  nothing  will  «et 
me  home  till  midnight. 

A/r*.  /•'i.r./i/.v.   Hut.  my  dear  .   .  . 

\  •  I  M\  it  |K.,iii\ely.    We've  done  enough 
,r  Aiint   Funn  for  at  l.-.ist  a  year.     1'idn't   she    have 
i>as  presents  from  all  of  you  ? 
Mr*.  Fordyrr.  Hut  she's  so  lonely,  jxnir  thing! 
A/r.  Fordyff.  Well,  so  am  I. 

•/,/,-r.    Oh.  f:il! 

1  am  ;   1  'm  very  lonely,  and  I  hate  |.. 

asked  out  to  dinner.      You    don't    know  your  Aunt    FUHIA. 
I    do.     If  you    want    to    ;u-k    anyone,    usk 
•VM.     Slie's  a  clever  woman. 

A/IM   Fvnlycr.  1  'm  afraid  that  father's   ide.i    of    a   clever 
woman  is  a  ouuiw!  wonum. 

M'  notiwxl.her  coarseness.     She's 

a  •ensil.le.  an  and  that's  more  than  you  can 

n  who  come  here. 

Mn.  F'Tilijcf.  Hut  we  must  ask  some  of  the  people  we 
d  with    the  HIIJJIYK,  the  CAKTERETS,  the  Pioos.     We 


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JAM-MJY  !».  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


X.    "(ioomiYE,   DARI.INO.      So   SORRY  Nl'BSE   HAS  COME   FOR  TOO.      I  HOPE   YOU   AND   MoNTY   HAYE    ENJOYED  YOURSELVES  ? " 

Air/in;/.  "  THANK  YOU.     MOTHER  SAYS  WE'VE  ENJOYED  OURSELVES  VERY  JIITH  !  " 


haven't  room  I'or  Mrs.  ADAM  if  they  are  to  come,  and  if  they 
arr  not  to  come  we  may  ;is  well  have  only  the  BixsTEADS  and 
Mr.  DF.ITMAK. 

Mr.  Fordyn:  Well.  F  give  it  as  my  last  word  that  unless 
Mrs.  An\M  cnnies  1  don't. 

Minx  l-'m-di/i'i:  But  she  will  put  out  the  party.  There  is 
no  man  for  her. 

Mr.  l-'nn/i/rr.   I  '11  take  her  in. 

.Mi  xx  Fordyce.  You  can't.     You  must  take  in  Mrs.  BII.I.HY. 

Mi:  l-'<ii-<li/ri:  Well.  1  can  hav  >  lier  on  the  other  side.  I 
don't  often  interfere,  but  in  this  case  I  am  adamant. 

Mi. t.t  Mulicl  Furtli/ri:  (ili,  father,  how  clever ! 

Mi-x.  /''nr'/i/n:  What's  clever? 

Mm*  Mulct  FIH-I/I/CI:   To  say  adamant      about  Mrs.  Al>VM. 

Mi:  l-'ni-ili/i-c  I  \\otidered  if  any  of  yon  would  see  it.  If 
von  want  a  partner  for  Mrs.  ADAM  get  JOE  SriiTKKS. 

ttita  Fordyce,  leather  !  How  can  you  V  After  that  dread- 
ful story  ! 

Mi:  l-'urili/i-i:  Well,  it  wae  probably  not  true.  He's  a  very 
unhappy,  lonely  man,  and  you -would  be  doing  a  kind  thing 
to  ask  him.  Very  good  company,  too.  \\hen  he  likes.  It's 
a  pleasure  to  have  SOUK-  one  to  go  down  to  the  cellar  for. 
There's  no  fun  in  teetotallers  and  Haigites  like  your  BII.I.HYS 
ami  CvitiKiM  is.  You  may  sneer  at  JOK  as  much  as  you  like, 
but  I've  said  my  last  word.  [Kxit  tn  Citi/. 


FIFTY    YEARS    ON. 

"  WHEN  you  have  turned  a  hundred  and  I  am  fifty-five" — 
So  spoke  without  a  warning  the  plumpest  girl  alive — 
"  I  wonder,  oh  I  wonder  how  both  of  us  will  be, 
With  HELEN  fifty-seven  and  baby  fifty-three." 

The  sum  was  done  precisely  ;  each  item  was  correct ; 
The  grisly  shade  of  COCKER  had  nothing  to  object  ; 
And  yet  I  could  not  praise  her,  or  sanction  a  display 
Which  tossed  about  the  fifties  in  this  collected  way. 

lint  still  the  maiden  pressed  me,  and  so  I  made  reply, 
"I'll  tell  you  what  1  think,  dear,  about  your  by-and-by; 
Your  figure  will  be  ampler,  and,  like  a  buzzing  hive, 

Your  boys  and  girls  will  tease  von  when  you  are  fifty-five. 

"Your  hairwill  not  be  brown,  dear;  you  '11  wear  a  decent  cap; 
Maybe  you'll  have  a  grandchild  a  crowing  on  your  lap  ; 
And  through  the  winter  evenings  the  easiest  of  chairs 
Will  give  you  greater  comfort  than  romping  on  the  stairs. 

"  And  sometimes  too,  I  fancy,  when  all  the  world  is  snow, 
You'll  smile  as  you  remeinlier  the  days  of  long  ago; 
And  every  now  and  then,  dear,  yon  '11  spa  re  a  thought  for  me, 
When  HKI.KX'S  fifty-seven  and  baby's  fifty-three." 

1!.  <.'.  L. 


A  TRAP  FOR  COWRY  MICE. 
Mr  Pcra'a  UmonwoRm  tlni*  TO 


• 
Ckuro  XVII. 

Tl*  Mar"  ami  K*  of 
A*  French  imprnMaaMt  artieta  hare 
alrro.lv  learned  to  realise,  there  is  no 
rad  lo  the  beauties  of  hoodoo,  an-ln 
tN-tui  -pheric  malic. 

Thanks  U»  the  enterpriae  an 

Uorongh  Cuunctb  i 

the  now,  we  have  recently   xuineaaed 
in    KHne  of   oar   most 


the  age  i«  the  hold  which  the  >-ult  of  tin- 
amp).  is  taken  on   tli.-   upper 

-•  •• 

peen   nowadays  aelilom   indulge   in   a 
meat  meal,  and   the  famous    -•• 
lunch    at    the    Saveloy    Restaurant    i* 
much  patron.--!  |,y  millionaire*.  r- 
:uliiiir.ilii     ami    other    nifinU'W   «'f    The 
Time*  Nook  «'lub.      In  tl"1  «'">  i« 

rarwt   tliinn   I"   lin'l   a   K™1 
(a)ii1.  -luiii-nt     in     lli«- 

,-..f   n,i.l.ll.'..f  'ilK-.Liy.     Sir  FKH\ 

habitually  hiln-li«-s«'!T  a  ]..in  ln-.|  JMM  an.  I 
f  :  h.it  \vat.-r  ;  tin-  DirectoiB  of  the 
<-.it  l>ctween 


crowded  thorough  fan*,  of    < 

so    remarkable,  alike    for 
arm  and  depth,  that   Mormon   tourists 

.,....•--.-•..• 

unexpectedly  realising  the  delights  of 
•bant  bom  home."     It    i-   the   Mtma 
privilege  of  London  and 
suburbs   to  cater    fur  nil 
and  all  national  il  in*. 
Swiss  waiters  have  of  Lite 
taen  wen  tobogganing  "it 
en  trays  down  the 

•lope     of      Caiii|«len  •  Mill 

Square.    Albanians  i ; 
seen  at  ahnost  any  time. 
dad    in    the    picturesque 

miry. 


Dank  of 


monln;  ami  tin-  *•!»•  form  of 

in   Ijombard  Street  is  China 

tai    or    orange*.      A    ini-nilier    of    the 

e  was  recently  hanflMnd 


f<.r  ilrinkiiiK 
eiul 


Uvr  during  a  \v.-.-k- 
ThroM 


Mr.  .(..us-  Hnivi  very  sonsihly 
,.,,int^l  mil  that  lh«-  rarlior  our  pil.K-«l 
youth  iniliili,"1*!  in  these  gastraopmic 

tli.'    N-.n.-r   «as    it    lik.'ly 


or 


Mr. 

S.-.-I1 


. 
the  Albany. 


W*  m  the  portal 

The  Itruses. 

on     amving    in     I»n<lon, 
invariably    congreg.i- 
Portland  Place 
authom  are  drawn  by  an 
irresistible  attnution  to  the 
of  HOWBU> 

as    Mr     I 


in oneof  hi* masterly  Hindi.- 

of  metropolitan   am: 

logy,  find  a  happy  hunting 

ground  in  the  aquaras  and 

gardens)  of  Rsyswster. 

The    infinite    variety    of    L.ndoo    is 
faded  not  only  in  it-  inli.il.ii.ini.  l.ut 

in   its  diet.     That  there  are  cannibal 

restaurants  in  our  midst  we  <-m  neither 
deny,   b.u    V  s,«- 

rlnarly    incline*    to    the  sinister 

Aa  Sir  GuJBflrr  PAMEB  says  in  one  of  his 

most  inspired  passages :  •  - 

waooaly 


At  any 


-  Vast  CM  tftr*  karnr  ol  I 

K»rUir  l»o»  »  " 

iince  the  introdoolion  of 

by  Inane  and  bouiida.  and  the  fact  that 

etw  tV.  HMO  «tnm. 

nuts  is  a  remarkable  proof  of  the  gr 

• 

dens  snd  hnacoiah  ban  are  comn> 
the  KSM  Kn<l.  but  it  t*  not  safe 
country  cousin 

Oooumi  K0DUHAX. 

A  notable  and  characteristi< 


rRusrrwoRTHT  AUTIST  ix 

A    I.HIHl    I'..»|  i\l    I.IVM    AT   A   VtaCTAKlAX    RUTADUUrr. 

••  H--  n"  Tfirri.c  Horr  i*  yr.svr.li. 
I  tinner  with  half  I 

meat  courses  is  n  tiling  of  the  pant,  and 
the  great  CompanieM  now  habitually  n'i\>- 
llirir  lxin(|uets  at  \ei;eiari.in  restaurants. 
where  turtle  -.up  i-  replace  I  by  a 
I  ^iiiuinoilM  nuh.-litiitc  in  which  the 

• 
tabloids  .  : 

1 

•    while   adult    I/>mlonera  are   in 
amplifying  their  lives 


.Ui.ni  in  favour  of  frugality 
xvouM  s<-t  in. 

As  a  n-Milt.  no  iloul.l.  <>f  tin-  rntfnlr 
r..n/i,i/.-,    III.-    i-racti.-.-    "f   taking    ni'-als 

t!,.-     in. 

Thenutomatic  rr-taurant  in  tin1  Embank- 
iui-nt  I  lar.l.-n-  is  .-niw<l.-<l  in  all  \v«-.itli.T*, 
and  il  i-»  lh>'  nmiiiion.-*!  lliiiiR  i 

who   hav,-   >li|.|H-,|   ..lit 
of  tin-  T.-ni|>l<-  f«.r  a  l.r.Mth  of  air.  luni-h- 
in«  off  :v   lianana  and   a   rru-t   of   lin-ad 
liy  tin-  rivrr  '.->  inar^.-.  f.i-din^  tli«-  ^,'iills, 
i^'   ilu-  arrival   of   diatingutthed 
liy    tin-     l.i'C.     s-i.-.tinlhsit-. 
ilisc'iissiiij;     tli.-     Lit.  -i    .]>ii;raiii    of 
MMIOUI     IU-.UIIIK.      Oft.  -n    w.-    hav.- 

I  .      !. 

ini-ily    with  enthusiasm   in 
c-.illini!     to     their    n-iui-m 
lir.ini-i-  M.IIU-  t-lioii-.-  jilinis.1 
of     this     *ii]MTlative     and 
mirilie  |"-niii.in.      Il 
tu    us.    listening   to   than, 
that  tln-y  utten-tl   tin-  chief 
and      .siipn-iiie     ami      most 
--pl.-ndid    i:  !    their 

-  polhioiaM 

and      lovely      women     also 
the      l-'.iiili.inkment. 
and   a  ride   in   one  of   tht 
new    eWtric    trami-.ire     is 
the     ili-rtncr     n-'i      in     the 
•I     in      May  fair. 
Only  the  other  day  v 

•,-hl,i>ho|.   Of    CvM 

lii  IIY.  Sir  (»II\KI:  I>'i- 
C.  I!  Kin.  and  Mr  and  Mrs. 
XIMJI;.  all  sitting  on  the  to 
of  the  same  car.  and  di-rf-u.s 
MUI;    the     Education     Hill 
with  the  utmost  urbanity. 


the 


\Vl      have      it      "11 
authority  that   Mr.  Hum.  is  to  IM-  offered 
any  p,-.  ra^'e  he  lik.-s.      Me  will  of  eoiir* 
naturally  cl.H-t  t.>  ln-«-..iiie  a  Cuiint  of  tin 
Holy  Koinan  Kmpire. 


K   r.  -feri-mv  to  tlieMunicip.il   l!ef..ni 
candidature    of   Mr.   C!K»IB;K   An.  \\MI.H 


,d..n  l'..rr.-|»>mlent  of  The 
H'.l/.-5  Ifiiilif  \. 

"  It  i»  on  i  nly  ..f  reduced  rat«  Uia 

Mr     \II\»M.U:  ih'htainliiiK  " 

!/•(    in  h.i|M-  that  we  shall   live  : 
Mr.    .\ii\v\i.|i!    as    Hamlet, 
U-hind  the  arras. 


-.    M  I'.      In    his   reply. 


"And   ThisP" 

following  ( •iiniiiiunieation    in   the 
/\M-Hi  ciKl.-occurM  in  The  Scotsman 

"Swolr  Turnips  to  I>el;  to  be  eaten  on  tin 

•Mill  -li'-rji.     Apply,  JAXED  II1 " 


JAM-AKY  '.),   1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


25 


ANOTHER    VETERAN    FOURSOME. 

Tk«  combint J  ag«i  of  Pl«y«ri  ind  CiJJ'm  (tll«>r  joni    total  867  ye«r«. 


Fcuriomc  cftting  cut  from  tk« 
tee. 


Tn«  General  ovcr-reacQi< 
drive.        riix  ion    naa    some 
cutty    in     preiervmj    «u    ujkrigK 


Quarry  provides  trouble 
for  tKe  General. 


TKe  Rear-AJmiral  hole*  out  into       *  **\ 
one  of  tke  Doctor  •  big  prints. 


'  x 


Return  kom*.      Late, 


TKe    BisKop  eaugkt  |>1  tying  « 
•Um  game. 


I 


ITNt'II,   OR  T1IK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


THE    PERFECT   WOMAN. 
Puvno  the  band  for  the  third  time  I 
•  .  .. 

.  ait  a  moment,"  aaid  my  p"tneT ; 
•ad  the  etaopad  and  did  «jmething  «  nh 

rMlinir    i«  1  iodnnl  it.  in  IHT  band. 

m%"rJI38Fdoall.hrt?"l^ 

with  a  kind  of  mtmruf 

MM  a  lot.    The  going  Uabit  bad  thi* 

cod.  you  know." 

.Wt    matter   a    I  aaj«l 

brig)  "1  her  <l"w" 

t  in    my   rr.«ramm>  -I    *"r 

..,;,  They  really  • 

glad    lor   «»ie 

1  nmalway- 
"Par 

,e  went  on.  •'  peopl 

^hi fully  well  uiv  always 
w  HIM! til  in  other  way*.  Tliat  ia 
•••aA  a*  a  compliment,"  ahe  added. 

T  the  moment  1  thought  it  waan  t, 


. 

MMM*  I 

wmn,  down  and 

talk,  ..nurwhere." 


.  ,. 
ic*.  on.l  1  '11  tell  you  what  I  think  of  IM 

*4  int..  a  «hady  corner,  and  bid 
aome  refraahnv 

•  It  w;w   r.ilh-r  fiinn  .  ntinii- 

i  mind,"  said  ' 

ea  that  waa  one  of  the  thing*  I 

"  I  am  full  <J  farm."  I  «id 
miOiua  pounda,  tea  year*.  I>  rd  U  \\KUTII 

»  mi  i    .  -ir  -|«-i.il  •  •>  .rr»-|«>ndi-: 
<lim't    want    that,    I.  in 


a  me, 

i« 

.   w,ll    under-' 

i    -, 
,    just    this,    ami    B 

you  were  a  woman  you  'd  nnder-tand  at 
once.  A  woman  moat  either  1»  all 
thing*  to  all  man,  or  ah«>  mn-t  \"  the 

thniK.     A  man  tan  just  affonl  to 
be"  a  Radical  teanSam 

he 'a  i  ^'"i   '"  ' 

woman  c-.in't." 

i,  hut  I  've  met  a  woman  who  W«« 
„    v,  ?  Hadi<-al.    and     >he 

even-lxMly.  fnun  the  1,  r-1  V 

-      downwards. 

-      that's    all     riK'ht.     if 

you  're  k.vn.      Hut  if  you  're  an  ordinary 

Hirl  who  doesn't  read  the  paper.-,  then 

!y  one  tiling  yi-u  ean  l»'-      DH 

.1  £tr\  who  told   you  she 

didn't    take   much    interest    in    i>olitics. 

|,,,t    !  i^ht    she    wa-    an    anti- 

.int   to  know,  what's   batM  done 
almiit     the     XvMK.--     and     the    Channel 
Tunnel?     You   pn.Uihly  m.-.-t  a  It    ol 
',.-  .  .-m't  you  tell  me? 
-ocmed  a  sad  oaae.     I  Mid  :  "  May 
I  ask   a    few    question*?      Thank    you. 
Then,    first.     You    are   u    Protectionist, 

I'IUMBKRHIV.  isn't  it?" 

then." 

And   >..u  i'-  an  Imjxrialist,  and  you 
ih  nk    the    (ioveniment    is    ruining  the 

TV?  " 


orn 


I  garp  a  w  < 

"Th* 


matt'  mini-*  l»- 

in?  luuid  we 
a  ..f  <iur 


...  no,"   «i.l 
I  moat  be  no*  «w  the  «her.      Which? 

i  kn-iw  .  .  .  Hi,- 
trll    yoo  n    TuM.1 

added  haaUly.  -if   y.«i  can   give  me 


. 

•  Chun-h  of  Kn^land.  of  courae?" 

,irly    hi«h      Mr.    HIKUKII.   v 
to  drive  n-liKion  out  of  tli. 

I,  "you    rrallv 
areapl.-nd,.l      I'  I'- 

k>Onb?n 

jm.     Hut  why  all  i! 

•    i-   ull.li-llli.ill.  'i'T. 

i  didn't  nitcli   my  nan.. 
I  am "  and  I  mentioned  one  <  1 


M  tin-  s4-h.-mi-  ....     ('-.min*;  HO*  I"  ihc 
numlH-r  of  millions  annually  mated   l>y 

i.,,,,1  lleformer,  pfoou 

••\V  'iiat?" 

-  ( ih.  l>ut  \oii  muM  \- 

|(  -lit." 

Thank  \'"'  ""''   regard  t» 

tl th.-r.  going  l>y 

••  Hut.   i  ;  alv   J"st 

what  wi-   nuiM    H"  l>y.      1  waul  to  know. 
What  i-  cr,-rif»*lii  cloin.u?" 

.,!,.   MI.      W.-ll.   tin -n.   everybody 

who  ia  ''   ''"• 

!iry  nillian  wh..  -ni'-k  to 
:vrlo|H-.  and  iiol»idy  niiiul.-  what 
]„•  think-  i-  .1  pr"  X.ini-i^'  and  an  aiili- 
Tuniiel  this  srasoii."  1  l««'k  out  a  liand- 
k.Tchi.-f  and  wi|.«-d  my  l»ri>w.  "  And 
don't  KIV  I  havrn'l  ,-ilil.-  and 

hflpful."  I  addi-d. 

( I.  K.  JiiKik  my  hand  warmly. 
••//..,i-    ran    1     thank    you'       i 
,1/ir.n/*   coine    t  i   you    when    I  'in    in    a 
difficulty !  " 
Da,    I  ^iid. 

•          *          »          »          • 
I-'    1'        Fat.      Plain."  '  tap|»-d  me  with 
lier  fan. 

Y..U  haven't  liatened  to  a  word  I  vc 

-ayin>;."    she    viid     i-,.|.ro.i.-hfully. 
••  What  's  the  matter?" 

Hut   my  ears  « ere  Mriiined   to  i-atcli  :i 
sj-ntenee  or  two  from  the  al«-o\e   behind 
{.oken   iii  that    lieantiful  voice  that 
i'd  MI  well 

/  n  in  ' 

\V/i«i(   jKih-ioii--  ••••iililn'l   I- 

i,  i-in-i  llmt  !„•  •  -n  ii  ml 

tin-  in  (iinrf/irr.   .  .   ." 

I    U'^  your  pardon,    ]•'.  I1  ."    ! 
help  you.      What 


•an  wait  t 

Hut    MI-    wiitiM'fi    rn- 

I.IIIM—   .  ' 
irwl!  u«i*h<r. 

"  Trlrfulliv  or  III-  -ilW 

!••  or  the 


our  moat  popular  •tatiaticiana 

•  II?  ' 

•  II.     I  hm«  been  wondering  my 
ael(  about  the  ZAMCKW  and  the  Tunnel. 
and  ao  I  made  aome  aUtiatica  up.     Her.- 

.-lied     lip. 

•  In -Ipful.    -!n-  aaid. 
of     the     IViok 

'.     I  '          Tlli'otli. 

•d  envelo|»  .  th>-  In 

tH  it      !'• 
I      Th<»««ld  1 1 

mm-U.     The  other  three  any 
that    if   they    change    the    \v 

•;i.lt     the     - 

work  their  adheaion 


Wr.  have  lon«  had  a  great  adm'n 
for    our    coiiieni|Mir.iry    Tin- 
Hrielly.  we  have  felt  that,  while   it-  City 
artieli-  i--  not  al«.i\-  to  I.e  depend. 
and  though  its  Theatriea!  •-  just 

•nicthinK  which  is  so  nt^-es- 
iiiei~m.  and  il 

lull     I.  re    a    little    waiiUiif,'    in 

\\e  may  K"   ""   with  lliis 

M-ntence  f..r  a  moment  1.  moral 

lone   h.is   always    IMVII    aKive    >n-pieion. 

.  :,,,uled«e     (.f     llnw. 

many  ca.M-s  proved  to  he  -uperior 

ai  .my  rate  m<.re  pedantically eincl  than, 

our  own.     Judge,  then,  of  onr  h.  •• 

-TH-.    a 

he.lded  II.'W         lo         I'ilich 

-.illthi  IIM; 


Thn  Order  of  their  Goings. 

.incidence   that   l>oth 
('.irdinals    followed     each    other    in    tho 

order    of     pn-redelire     in     the   Sacred 

lege.       Uaily  \\f\n- 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  RACK-HANGER. 

TYiiuo  sympathy  has  been  lavished 
f>ii  the  strap-banger,  but  how  about  the 
rack-hanger,  whose  grievance  is  of  much 
longer  standing?  I  am  a  rack-hanger, 
and  I  demand  sympathy.  I  travel  on 
the  Great  Eastern,  suburban  in  the 
old  compartment  carriages,  where  such 
luxuries  as  straps  are  unknown.  As  I 
hang  to  the  rack  I  envy  the  pampered 
people  who  revel  in  straps. 

Our  compartments  are  built  with 
room  for  five  a  side  and  five  down  the 
middle.  They  are  Libelled  "  Six  seats  a 
side,"  and  such  is  the  influence  of  the 
printed  word  that  six  people  wedge 
themselves  on  each  side  and  imagine 
they  are  sitting.  (I  am  speaking  of  the 
second-class  compartments.  I  do  not 
travel  first,  because  my  ticket  is  not  a 
third-class  ticket.) 

Down  the  middle,  on  occasions,  stand 
seven  or  eight,  sometimes  nine  people. 
When  there  are  only  seven,  the  door 
shuts  easily,  when  there  are  eight  it  shuts 
with  difficulty.  When  there  are  nine  it 
lias  to  be  rammed-to  by  a  porter.  Even 
on  ordinary  days  the  train  is  often  full 
when  it  reaches  my  station,  and  it  is  no 
good  the  porters  shouting  "  Take  your 
seats,  please,"  for  somebody  else  has 
already  taken  the  seat  for  which  we 
have  both  paid,  or  partially  paid. 

I  take  my  sliare  of  the  nick  instead. 
The  woodwork  is  not  always  clean. 
But  that  is  a  minor  inconvenience.  I 
would  give  much  for  a  strap,  clean  or 
dirty.  Had  I  such  I  would  close  my 
eyes  and  imagine  myself  in  Paradise. 

The  strap  gives  a  good  hold  and  is 
suspended  at  the  right  height.  The 
rack  is  admirable  for  the  parcels  which 
are  seldom  put  on  it,  but  it  is  not  made 
for  hanging  to,  and  your  arm  becomes 
numbed  to  the  shoulder.  If  you  lower 
it  to  restore  circulation  the  train  bumps 
over  the  points  and  you  sit  down  on 
the  lap  of  some  one  to  whom  you  have 
never  been  introduced. 

If  he  is  good- tempered,  he  says 
affably,  "  All  right ;  make  yourself  at 
home,"  or  "  Plenty  of  room  for  a  little 
'un."  If  he  is  a  morose  individual  he 
says  something  else.  As  if  you  sat  in 
his  confounded  lap  on  purpose  ! 

If  she  is  a  lady,  she  blushes  or  giggles. 
The  young  City  rack-hangers  in  tall 
collars  snigger,  and  the  funny  man  in 
the  corner  guffaws  outright.  It  is  highly 
humorous. 

I  am  not  always  a  rack-hanger.  Some- 
times I  travel  in  the  guard's  van,  where 
racks  are  not  provided.  If  you  are  first 
in  the  storming  party  you  may  get  a 
seat  on  a  hamper  or  a  portmanteau,  but 
the  supply  of  these  is  very  inadequate. 
On  foggy  days  and  at  other  times  of 
stress  the  average  allowance  of  pas>en- 
gers  per  guard's  van  is  forty.  I  have 


Distressed  Foreigner  (regarding  himself  in  the  glass).  "  Air,  MADAME,  EFERY  DAY  I   HAF 

MORE   AND   MORE    LESS    KM  Its!" 


been   one  of  forty-three,  but  that   was 
abnormal. 

The  guard  does  not  like  people  to 
travel  in  his  van.  He  says  it  is  against 
the  regulations,  and  that  we  shall  get 
him  into  trouble.  When  he  dimes  hack 
to  his  van  after  waving  his  flag,  the 
younger  bloods  say  "Full  up!"  and 
advise  him  to  walk  home,  and  when 
the  train  stops  where  there  is  no  station 
they  want  to  know  why  he  doesn't  get 
out  and  push. 

Then  the  train  starts  with  a  jerk,  and 
as  many  of  us  as  can  find  room  sit 
down  (>n  the  floor.  That  puts  the 
guard  in  a  good  temper,  lie  says  it 


comes  of  being  too  clever.     As  a  matter 
of  fact  it  conies  of  having  no  straps. 

Let  the  strap-hanger  reflect  that  there 

'  are  wretches  worse  off  than  himself,  and 

lie  thankful.     Does  he  complain  because 

the  straps  are  not  jewelled  and  scented  ? 

I  would  I  were  a  strap-hanger! 


WE  hear  that  the  more  noisy  of  our 
motor-omnibuses  are  to  be  fitted  up 
|  with  a  much  needed  improvement.  At 
an  early  date  megaphones  will  be  sup- 
plied  to  the  passengers  to  enable  them 
to  converse  with  one  another  and  the 

condiielnr. 


'If,   OR  TIIK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


'.I\M    Ml      '.I.      11I07. 


MEN    AND    MANNERS.     A    STUDY    IN    COSTUME. 


---,_- Jr.  "AND  WHO'S  THE  H"'  .  xt\  WITH  nir  RII. 

-  Baona,  WE  iirurr.    Yoc  BUMBEB  an  'Sou.  TBIDMHUNT  OTE»  KAKTHLT  I..VK'  iv  Tm 
ccriuc  ••!    An  woo'*  rat  UTHM  IBTIIT  BE'I  TALIIICO  TO?" 

0000  "«"«"•'      Hl'«  ».ff  A»   tBTIl^!      Ht'«  A   BETIBKO   f>BtELLA-IUKEt   WHO    BOCQBT  TBg   '  SoOL  T..irXNUx 


\I». 

to  Jim,  Uvr  .1  OM  tirna  or  •aodMr 
•ad  nrritina  Brrxl      Thu  Rm 


""  "^  Uwrt<b">  " 

Brno  ray  be  white  or  brown,  be  old  or  new. 
Biwd  may  ho  taut.  Bmd  even  nmr  U-  H 

^^T*  **  h*d  °"r  """P1"  !°^.  b«w  y 
Brr*   ,,ar  h«  Uked  to  iMte  or  «wio  ouow,  ; 

mo*,  then  'talwrnB  this  .h, 


, 
On*  euuot,  being  a  nwrui,  •> 

BT^wij  —*  ^  Bre«d  (whence  com.  the  nun.), 


That  baU  a  kol  k  better  than  no  Bread. 

And  hen-  our  knowledge  of  the  Mbjed  enda, 

•h: 
.d  dropl 

aanpagne  a  brief  but  buM.liqg  youth 


iiiiiii-iiil.  :unl  li  ;ivc  :it  l! 
r  we  ourselves  wmiM  .^«,IHT  «lrink  ii  I1 


Hill       hlTf's  tlir   rill.'        Wi'M   lM|uc:iti.  v.illr   • 

-I  tin-  linn-  \\liru,  \ictiin  (,f  ili-di-iimi. 

Fur  V..III-   IKI-.|.-,-.|S  yc.lll  .,11    I,--   |.| 

Beraetant  in  tin-  Palace  of  CWrection, 

\\licro  (ini'ii  who  know  luivi-  tolil  ii.,  on  the  ijn 
Bread  forma  tlif  nwjur  j«irti(.n  of  tin-  dii-t. 
*  •  »  *  * 

S.  much  for  Unwl.     You  '11  h.-.ir  from 
HI,,,  i;,,!,.  of  1,1,.,  |  i 

«••  h..|H-.  tln- 

i  rotinil  tln>  topii-  "  \\".r 
Mi.-l  to  ,,,ir  iirtirli-  ;         i 

Mui.  h;irk  '  llu-  m.ir.t. 


Police  r  Public. 

i: 
<••  Ibe  ].  Jut-  H  tr 


i  ii  i  iii      i  ••  ''"' 

k,.,.||>    «;,y  of  |,utlin«   it   .     I,, 

hat  he  really  wantu  is  a  conjurer. 


1TNCH.   <'|;   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.     .IASTAKY   '.».  1907. 


MORE   ZANCIGNALLING. 

PROFESSOR  REDMOND.  "I  HAVE  SELECTED  ONE  OF  SEVERAL  NAMES  FOR  THE  POST  OF  IRISH 
CHIEF  SKCIM-TAKY.  MY  PARTNER,  C.-B.,  WILL  NOW  READ  MY  THOUGHT  AND  MAKE  THE 
ANNOUNCEMENT  ON  THE  BOARD" 


JANI-MIY  U,  I'.iOT.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


31 


A    GOOD    OLD-FASHIONED    CHRISTMAS." 


it >i  (inn  cliiny  hunters  on  straw  ride).  "HAprv  CHRISTMAS  INDEED!  Two  THOUSAND  POUNDS'-WOHTII  OF  HORSES  JUST 
EATIM;  MOM-.V  Two  KO..T  OK  MK\W  BETWEEN  ANT  OF  'EM  AND  THE  KNACKER'S  CART.  BOTS  CHUCKED  OFF  EVERY  DAY.  EMPLOYER  LIABLE. 
HUH!  THINK  I'LL  uo  IN  ASII  HEAD  ABOIT  RAILWAY  ACCIDENTS!" 


IN  SHAKSPEARE'S 

S\V\N  of  our  stage !  when  first  we  saw 

How  strangely  keen  the  iiKxlorn  cygnet  is 
'I'n  probe  you  with  an  envious  claw, 

\Ve  fell  those  slabs  were  "rave  indignities; 
lUit  since  all  pens  (both  jay  and  o\vl) 

Conspire  to  prod  the  liinl  ul'  Avon, 
We  own  our  ornamental  fowl 

Is  much  more  like  ;i  moulting  raven. 

Hardly  hail  MKHVMIH  dtililied  you  trash, 

And  caused  who  knows  what  horrid  panic  in 
Britons  who  took  your  brass  for  cash. 

And  deemed  you  too  a  siii>ermannikin, 
When  TOLSTOY  swooped  to  snatch  a  tuft 

Of  feathers  where  they  grew  the  finne.-t. 
And  left  the  bard  whom  Mtl.T<>\  puffed 

A  sight  to  shock  the  taxidermist. 

Not  ours  to  carp;   with  empty  praise 

The  idol  of  our  youth  we  prop  not; 
J!ut  why.  we  ask,  should  wilted  bays 

He  planted  on  another's  top-knot? 
That  harmless  peer  whom  Bi.i:n:ym:t   seeks 

In  Hades  where  he  hovers  shyly- 
Shall  RUTLAND  stand  before  the  beaks 

Instead  of  your  cmlnrcr  rile  .' 


SHOES. 

What  household  name  we  honour  most 

Is  safe  (while  thus  the  Teuton  hectors) 
From  damage  to  his  genuine  ghost 

Through  falsely  substituted  spectres  ? 
In  authors  (live  and  late)  we  see 

The  blush  of  degradation  mantling 
For  fear  a  blind  posterity 

Should  foist  on  them  the  Stratford  bantling  ! 


Shall  such  a  fraud  -  like  birds  who 

(The  image  alters  here  to  Cuckoos) 
Apartments  gratis  for  an  egg 

In  casual  nests  and  never  look  whose  — 
Shall  he  affix  his  faults  to  POPE, 

Or  shuffle  off  his  sins  on  SHEM.KV, 
<  >r  let,  by  some  luxuriant  trope, 

Suspicion  pounce  on  Miss'OoitKi.i.i  '' 

Si  inner  than  that,  ourselves  were  fain 

To  have  it  known,  —  ?r<-  blacked  (ll/nilo; 
Kimj  Jsar,  by  some  defect  of  brain 

Occurred  to  us  —  the  comic  fellow  ! 
To  save  from  scorn  some  nobler  quill 

Our  own  post-mortem  pride  we  '11  barter, 
And.  saddled  with  the  works  of  WILL, 

C!o  down  to  shame,  a  conscious  martyr  ! 


TAKING 

I  m  the  owner  of  •  touring  caravan, 
in  which  from  time  to  time  I  emulate 
the  fir«y  and  take  to  the  open  road.  I 
hare  aLn  oa  occaaion  let  thia  caravan. 
Tbea*  are  innocent  punm  it*  :  yet  through 
thm  fiV«*,  M  the  following  com- 
nondence  wiB  -how  I  came  int..  n 
deapanto  eon*irt  in*  «»  tlnkndf 
Revenae  Qatar  with  a  whole  A 
ruHJameat  at  hi*  bock.  1  leave  it  in 
the  raider  to  judge  who  waa  the  victor 
•  • 


Una  L— (U*  to  me.) 

DEAR  8m,-I  learn  that  you  have  in 

vour  iiiawaaion  a  caravan ;  but  I  do  not 

i,| M,  1 1    that   yon    have    taken    out  a 

licence  far  H.    As  a  two-luwse  carriage 

'.*,r  wheda  it  ia  liable  to  a  yearly 

.         ..•;-.,; 

lam.    Yours  faithfully,  Ac. 

LETTO  H.— </  to  him.) 
DEAR  SIR.  I  thank  )-ou  for  your  letter 
It  ia  true  that  I  possess  a  caravan.  It  w 
also  true  that  I  have  no  licence  for  it. 
Rut  I  am  at  a  loea  to  understand  how  you 
can  have  fallen  into  the  error  of  sup- 
posing that  a  caravan  is  a  carriage.  It 
!•  unquestionably  a  ho**f.  The  wheels 
are  merely  incidental  I  am  not  aware 
tiea  have  to  take  out  such  a 
For  all  intents  and  purposes  I 
am  a  gipsy.  Pleoae  understand  1  have 
no  desire  whatever  to  evade  the  law.  I 
only  wa«  to  put  the  matter  clearly 
before  you.  lam.  Yours  faithfully. 

IJCTTO  IJJ.— (Ut  to  me.) 
DEAR  Sir,  — A  caravan  cannot  with 
propriety  be  regarded  as  a  house,    t'lidi-r 
the  Act-I  spare  you  his  long  quota 
tarn  — a    gipsy    must    either    hold    a 
carnage  licence  or  a  hawker's  licence. 
(1  admit  he  had  me  there.)    I  await 
your  cheque.    I  am,  Ac. 

Ijrrrni  IV.-<J  to  him.) 
L  DEAR  Sir, — I  am  at  a  loss  to  under 
stand  bow  you  have  fallen  into  the 
error  of  supposing  that  I  am  in  any 
way  to  be  comparea  with  gipsies.  I  think 
the  eufjestion  showed  a  want  of  courtesy 
on  your  part.  Surely  it  ia  dear  to  the 
intelligence  that  a  caravan  ia 

—- nnably  a  earl  (I  had  him  there), 

so  I  hope  the  matter  will  he  all. 
end  here.    Understand  that  I  have  no 
desire   »hatsrti  to  evade  the  law.    I 
only  wiah  to  put   the    matter   dearly 
before  you.     1  am,  Ac. 

Ljmra  V     'Unto  me.) 
DEAR  SIR.— I  thank  yon  for ; 
Granted  that  a  caravan  ia  a  cart,  it  i- 
•avanmvy  for  yon  to  put  your  name  and 
address  upon   it.      Also,  aa  a  can.  it 
must  be  used  only  for  purposes  of  trade 
or  husbandry,  and  to  take  your  vile  and 


,  i:    VI. 

DEAR    Sin.      I     thank    you     for    your 
....••.:.-.:      [  regret  i      i    ibilitj 
\\itli  your  aajMUoa  that   I 
should    l.'ikf    my    "if-1   :in.l    family    to   a 
,,,   l,y  car.ixan.      I   don't 
d.ink  -r   would     lik.-    n      Be- 

I  have  no  wife  and  family.  M 
,  nt  a  IOMI  loondentand  how  you 
could  have  fallen  into  the  error  of 
sui.|«Ming  that  n  cnrnvan  is  n  cart. 
Nothing  could  IK-  further  fn.ni  the  truth. 
As  thin  i-aravan  of  mine  is  made  to  "  ply 
Tor  hire."  the  only  |«ssililf  (-.inclusion  is 
that  it  is  a  rah.  '  1  will  allow 

tin-  iiutliT  to  n->t  i  f  BBjatU  1 

.i.lnui    that    it    is  comforting  to    HIP    to 
know  once  and  for  all  that  it  i-  a  rah. 

_;ii<-ly    wonden-d    what    il 
wan.     Pleoae  understand  thai  I   have  no 
tthal.-MT  to  exaile  the  law.      1  only 
xvish  to  put  tin-  matter  clearly  In-fore  you. 
I  am,  etc. 

Jjmra  VII.— (He  to  me.) 
DEAR  Sat, — As  it  is  not  kept  tolely 
fur  pnr|«»w»  of  plying  for  hire,  x.mr 
rar.ixan  r.uinot  Ix1  claBsed  n*  a  rali.  In 
any  ciiw-  it  must  haxe  jiaiil  a  hai-kney 
i-.irriaKi-  liit-nee.  (He  had  me  there,  i 
I  await  y«Mir  i-heipie.  I  am,  Yours,  &c. 


LETTER  VlII.-(/  to  him.) 
DEAR  SIB,  1  thank  you  for  your  letter. 
Please  understand  that  I  have  no  inten- 
tion whatever  of  evading  the  law — far 
from  it.  I  only  wish  to  make  the  nutter 
dear  to  you.  A  caravan,  then,  is  a 
carriage.  What  did  you  say  was  the 
amount?  1  am,  Ac. 

LETTE*  IX.— (He  to  me.) 
DEAB    SIR,  —  Your    caravan    "  l>eing 
drawn  or  adapted  to  be  drawn  by  two 
horses  or  mule*."  I  await   your  cheque 

(ML     lam,  Ac. 
LETTE*  X. — (/  to  him.) 
DEAR  SIR,     1  think  in  future  of  using 
one  hone  and  one  mule  for  my  c.ir.r.  .m. 
resume  I  BJII  exempt.     (I  hail  him 
Many  thankx  for  your  mlcn-Hting 
letter.     I  am,  Ac. 

UTTER  XL— (Ut  to  me) 
DEAR  SIR,— I  await  your  chc.j. 
two  guinea*.    I  am,  Ac. 

LCTTKR   Ml.        /  . 

*DEAR  8lR,— Many  thanks  for  xmir  long 
!it<-n*tin,:  I    much   regret 

that  our  pleasant  corn--  is  no 

near  a  close.     Hut 

u  thin  year  at  all   1  i- ••  that 
fp.ni   duty. 

Pleaae    understand    that   throughout   I 
have  •  r    of 

Mg  the  law — far  from  it.  1  only 
wished  to  put  the  matter  dearly  U-fore 
you.  1  am,  YOUTH,  Ac. 


Ir  i,  i,..w  officially  announced  that 
Mr.  HitX-'K  has  IN-CH  appointed  British 
\ml>assador  at  Washington.  It  is 
enrioi.  '  '  "•vcrninent  is  in 

ot.taining  information  of  this  kind. 

The  Suffragettes  who  so  pluck  ily 
elected  logo  to  prison  rather  than  pay 
fines  are  now  complaining  that  they 
found  the  prisons  far  from  comfortatile. 

One  of    them   was   not    satisfied    xxilh 
.•ommodation   in   the   Black  Maria 
in    which    flic    xvas    conxeycd     to 
Hut    it     is     something,    surely,    tl 

;.mt     a     vehicle     should      In-ar     a 
woman's  name.    

The  Australian  Kederal  Kille  Asaocia- 
tion  has  decided  to  Band  twelve  men  to 

I'.isley  next  year.  This  weakening  <>f 
the  defences  is  taken  to  signify  that,  in 
tin-  opinion  of  those  on  the  .-],ot  U-st 
able  to  judge,  there  is  no  immediate  fear 
of  Japan  taking  that  Colony. 

Much  .interest  is.  not  unnaturally. 
U-ing  taken  now  in  the  Crown  I'rince  of 
I'Klisn.  lie  is  said  to  In- a  tine  1  HIV  of 
thirty-six,  but  looks  ohh-r. 

The  Sultan  of  MOBOOOO,  in  his  letter 
..,-1-oMiig  l!usi  n.  called  him  a  liar  and 
an  ini]H)stor,  an  accursed  man  and  a 
corrupt  IHTSOII.  It  is  said  that  I!  MM  1.1 
offered  a  handsome  salary  to  a  i 
1, us  driver  to  assist  him  to  c..|*>  xvith 
his  myal  master,  but  the  letter  mis- 
carried. 


We  are  glad  to  learn  that  all  the 
drivers  of  horses  minibuses  who  xxcrc 
attacks!  by  aiKijilexy  as  the  r.  -ult  of 
In-ing  jeered  at  by  the  drivers  of  ; 
iminihusea  during  the  recent  snowy 
weather  are  now  almost  out  of  danger. 

Tin-   greatest    discovery   of    I'.MM1,   was 
mad.-  just  as  the  year  was  flickering  out. 
i.tl,  it  hails  from  America.     A  Nexv 
York    cal>le    informs    us    that    1'n'ff.ss.^r 

linds    the    Americans   of   I 
more  cultured    and    more   vigopm- 
iiobli-r     jihxsieally     and     morally     than 
any  other  ].i-«iple. 

We  had  no  idea   that    I  »r.  K.MII.    Kl  I'  H 

was  not  appn-«-iatiil  hero.     Tin'  !•••• 

.-n  piibliKhing  New  Yi-ar'-  Mr-<iges 

it!  lea.ling  n-aders,  and   the  lU-lor 

I  ventnp-    to    W.-IV    that    what 

mitry  needs   more  than   anything 

,  U..  ]-  greater  p>)H-<-t  for  knowledge,  for 

intellect  and   for  insight." 

We  hear  that  the  Isincct't  article  in 
favour  of  plum  pudding  hag  had  a 
curious  result.  S  \.-ral  children  refused 


JjLXUAKY  9,    1907.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


33 


'4- 


LU 


L 


on  ChrMtonaa  IV  to  touch  the  iro<ld 
on  U..  ground  that  it  WM  medicine. 


i  the  ground 

Mr 

haft,  a  •" 
•Kb 
iikua  •  nniminM  hnnr  nf  £1000. 

''••!     •- 
'••'•-      ' 


NEW    DRESS    FOR      'THE 
LANCERS." 

<njn*.) 

Is  :l1"' 

I  \\n\T  ai 
i.f     tl  Mine.    .Wr. 

I  ,||,|       offer,      the 

ful.  and   at 
the*,  -tinnee. 


niliii  li;itliiTl«  «-:i|'.  ' 
iiii'li-r   tin'  rliin.    i.rfli-rt-4   tin-    ,-.,;ir,,,v; 
:unl  a  fi-ni-iii>;  mask  'wliirli  <"in  I"1  ("'ii^lit 
,ny  in  >n  limiting  <i"n  wlm  di-:il   in 
\\irr  f.-iicin^'    i^xvnrn  iniu-li  asmii'  \MMP« 


"The  wont  of 

lr»  wv  brtir  nf 
•Imw."  «y*  n 

tvapondral    in   n    Inter   In  n 
ranlrni|->r 
at*   ii 

that  WH»  ihr  l«rt  »f  them; 

but    wr    ii  '..-ti-nil    ti> 

•Xpert  Li 

A  VIM  who    IUIK 

been  'am--  L    nmr.l.-r 

ha*   conflMrd    t>>    tin-  •run.-. 
but  <l«  Inn-  that  !»•  forgot  IIP 
commit  <••>)  tin-  iniir 
mate  we   w-idd    imprnw  on 

ll.r    iin|«.n;ili. 


nirnl    Sir  CUIMI   ' 

H'     "ill    mviipy    tin- 
iiffi-  nt 

Oiathaiii       wliic-h      will.     WP 
N..n-'iiArk. 


•  :  ' 

•I    Birmingham    i*   Mtinbir- 
tonr.     taring  the  part  year 

•  - . 

paml  with  '••'•-  in  il"  piwioue 

• 
be  known  tn  I-  '••' 

V  H     adopt 

(ml   (rw  In-liiiM-n      We 
therrfcire  all  tin- 
MBMed  to  cone  acroa* 
InUuwing    Matrtnmt     in     a 


. 
Fur    tli. 

.l    (<l|(«itill«  IH..IS    «itll      1    ini-ll     f.|.ik<-rt 

iii  i-iKiMc  our  Terpsichore  to  ^-t  n  ^rip 
<.f  tlir  tl'«ir  in  tin'  "  \Vliirlwinil  "  .....  vr- 

Illi-llt  nf  till'"  Vi>itill>,'"   fltflllV. 

It    is    I  iy    atti'iiliiin    1' 

littl.  .t  :i  n-tini-il 

l>tfflll    lilli>ll     i.-  ^'i\i'll   tn 


• 

:•!..-!  m  order  to  meet  the 
cmt  ahnrugr 

•  •     ''  '    •     • 

M  an  taken 
•  the  alleged   rro  '.   wan 

Dom««tic  Candour 
.  Ammahk,    a    LM!»    I,  <-.  IHK 
will  •• 


,.,K/,'(,f  llnlllilf 

•titched  lailckrtli.  with  ui./Jj</«.-  \nki-nf 

A'    lln-   .nifli-  of    tin-   jnifT- 

l!|..'.T'~    ll|ill'l-ll.l\V   l-.IJ. 

i-ivi-   UN   <iir  ./•• 

bir»-qnnlrr  \«  -Inn  dm-,  r-       Ai  iln-w.ii-t 

• 
the       I 

•••  i.illv 
pfppaivd  nkin 

ni'l    ill   tin-   wilils  (.(  Ki 
•gva),  maili-  up  \vitli  tlir  l,.iir\   -i  !••  <>nt 


a    I'.iri-ian   Coatame-Kiag  (• 

In-  "  /c  ili-niiiT  fiimrl." 

alm.'-t  t"  I'lainnc"  are  (hi 
hair  pin  jirnnf  rnira-s  nf  liar 
\e\  i/i  d  steel,  and  tin-  padded 
lean  f(«.lli:ill  kiiickirs 
i  which  slmnld  I"'  wired  nn  i. 
I  lead  wear  «-nn-isis  nf 

/me    hat.  with   .lummy 
l.rid.  .r.     The  patent 

-.with 

I  \  inch     :  'iii;/i/<: 

and  dtist  prnnf.  I-ead  putties, 
and  divers' IK  »ils  with  weighted 

will    help     I"    OV) 
tin-     tendency    nf     the     )• 
paraloilate     aluve     the     head. 
A  d.Nir  handle  nr  the  kiml)  nf 
a    U-d  pi  i,  t    may    lie  all'ivd    tn 
the  shnnlder  nf  the  end  man 
fnr  the  "  Charge"  in   the  last 
figure. 

A  Matter  of  Opinion. 

carries  cant  i.  in  tn  extreme 
limit.  l^i,t  \\ix-k  ils  curre- 
Bpondenoe  column  consisted  nf 

Htary  letter.      "  Ymi   very 
kindly  KIV  a  few  wnrds   ale  ml 

my   .  nf    nld    I 

the      ciirre-pnndent      writes. 

Wnnld  it  betrooblingToa  to 

cnrn-ct    tin-  addrc- 
I  live  at  l*-ice,|er.  nnt   llalh  ''. 
This    the    F.ditnr    preface-    li\ 
the  statement.  In  which  italics 
add    emphasis.     "  \\'c    dn    not 
linld  our  Me  fnr 

the  opim  liy  mir 

l«iiidenl,."  I'nt  surely  a  man 
mi^'hl  IN-  trn-led  In  form  tin  accurate 
iipini'in  as  tn  the  identity  ol  the  tnwn 
in  which  he  li\. 


A  Sporting  Bishop. 

•  ilii  I'i'M      ~eiA  ii-es     :i|n|     aiitln-ms  : 
M'.nn  I'lain  :      |-'.VeliillK        I  "  . 

Plain. 

N'.iii.  I'H  -    twico 
ni^htl  and  '.'  •  matin.-.-  Saturday 


JANUARY  9,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


OLD  FRIENDS  WITH  NEW  YEAR  FACES. 

Ilmr  certain  of  the  rJiiasira  appeared  to  a  very 
yoiilliftil  filiii/tjoer.) 

I. — ALADDIX. 

(  >VK  upon  a  time,  in  the  Market  Place 
it  Pekin,  there  lived  a  poor  widow 
lamed  TWANKDY,  with  'one  little  boy 
•ailed  ALADDIN.  Though  ALADDIN'S 
mother  was  so  poor  she  was  very  cheerful, 
ind  kept  on  saying  funny  things  that 
iiade  people  laugh.  Also  she  was  able 
o  give  him  some  nice  suits,  but  perhaps 
she  saved  on  the  knickerbockers. 

( )ne  day  the  Princess  of  that  country 
was  coining  by  with  a  procession,  and 
when  she  saw  ALADDIN  she  stopped  the 
orocession  and  fell  in  love  with  him. 
Hut  the  (Irand  Vizier  was  very  angry, 
ind  told  him  he  would  be  put  in  prison, 
it  which  ALADDIN'S  mother  wanted  to  go 
too,  so  that  women  might  have  votes. 

However,  they  didn't  go,  because  a 
magician  took  ALADDIN  to  the  mouth  of 
cave,  which  he  had  to  enter  all  alone. 
But  when  he  got  inside,  instead  of  being 
alone  he  found  crowds  of  lady-like 
young  gentlemen  in  glittering  clothes 
who  walked  about  to  music.  And  his 
mother  came  in  as  well  and  said,  "  Excuse 
me,  but  is  this  the  Poplar  Union  ? " 
Then  they  brought  the  treasures  to  the 
palace  of  the  Empress,  the  Princess's 
mother,  who  used  to  live  in  the  Com- 
mercial Road,  London,  and  let  lodgings. 
And  when  she  saw  them  she  was  over- 
joyed, and  allowed  ALADDIN  to  marry  the 
Princess,  and  ALADDIN'S  mother  married 
the  magician,  and  at  the  wedding  every- 
body sang  songs,  and  some  very  large 
fairies  flew  about  in  the  air,  and  every- 
thing was  all  over  coloured  lights. 

II. — CINDERELLA. 
CINDERELLA  was  the  daiighter  of  a 
Baron ;  she  had  two  grown-up  sisters 
who  spited  her,  and  they  all  lived  in  the 
kitchen  with  a  big  cat  and  some  very 
rude  servants.  But  it  chanced  that  a 
certain  Prince  with  a  squeaky  voice 
wanted  to  marry  CINDERELLA,  so  he  told 
his  page  DANDINI  to  disguise  himself  by 
carrying  a  little  cloak  on  his  left  arm 
which  would  somehow  make  people 
think  he  was  the  Prince.  Then  the  rea 
Prince  gave  a  party  and  all  the  Baron's 
family  went  except  CINDERELLA,  who  was 
left  at  home.  But  afterwards  she  startec 
too,  in  a  glass  coach  drawn  by  live  ponies 
and  although  she  was  so  late  the  coacl 
kept  going  round  and  round  in  a  circle 
instead  of  straight  on.  Which  was  silly 
After  all,  though,  it  wasn't  much  of  i 
party,  only  processions  ;  and  as  soon  a; 
the  Prince  met  CINDERELLA  all  the  lights 
went  out,  except  a  wobbly  kind  of  moon 
and  the  Prince  put  on  a  big  hat  anc 
sang,  "  Honey,  kiss  your  piccaninnyboy.' 
But  the  others  never  got  to  the  party  a 
all,  because  their  flying-machine  brob 
down  near  the  Zoological  Gardens,  a 


\ 

UPS    AND    DOWNS. 

City  Man.  "  EVERYTHING  I  'VE  BOUGHT  HAS  GONE  DOWN.     EVERYTHING   I  'VE   SOLD   HAS  GONE 

CP.      AH,  WELL,  THANK  HEAVEN,  THEY   CAN'T  GO   SIDEWAYS  !  " 


which  the  Baroness  was  very  angry  and 
said,  "  We  've  lost  The  Daily  Mail  prize." 
However,  they  saw  some  performing 
animals,  and  the  Baron  pretended  to  do 
thought-reading ;  and  after  that  I  suppose 
they  must  have  got  home  somehow, 
because  when  the  Prince  brought  round 
CINDERELLA'S  slipper  next  day  the  old 
sisters  wanted  to  buy  it  in  Class  D  at  a 
reduction  on  the  net  price  ;  but  he  would 
only  give  it  to  CINDERELLA,  so  they  were 
married. 

HI. — ROBINSON  CRCSOE. 

ROBINSON  CRUSOE  started  from  the  Port 
of  Hull,  where  his  aged  mother  lived, 
and  a  pretty  lady  in  short  skirts  whom 
he  was  engaged  to.  So  CRUSOE  said, 
"  Au  revoir,  my  little  Hyacinth  " — though 
her  real  name  was  POIXY  HOPKINS — and 
went  away  on  a  ship  with  a  lot  of  good- 


looking  sailors,  and  it  was  wrecked,  but 
CRUSOE  himself  got  to  the  Desert  Island 
without  even  wetting  his  clothes.  But 
the  Island  wasn't  nearly  so  Desert  as 
you'd  think  from  the  books,  because, 
besides  CRUSOE  and  FRIDAY  and  the 
Cannibals,  Mrs.  CRUSOE  had  come  too, 
and  POLLY  HOPKINS,  and  a  gentleman 
with  a  red  nose  called  Education  Bill. 

However,  the  King  of  the  Cannibals 
was  quite  nice  and  friendly,  and  instead 
of  eating  them  he  told  them  about  his 
adventures  by  the  Zuyder  Zee,  and 
showed  them  some  processions  and  a 
dance  of  monkeys.  Shortly  afterward* 
they  found  out  that  the  Cannibals  were 
only  black  because  there  was  a  soap- 
trust  on  the  Desert  Island,  so  they  all 
sailed  away  to  Port  Sunligbt  on  a 
steamer  with  L.C.C.  on  the  paddle  and 
lived  happy  ever  after. 


]TN«U   UK   THK    l.(iM">X   CHARIVARI. 


I.Y    '.I.    I'.Hi 


OUR 
Ur.  I'u 

THE  iwntly  anoo 
•  Uinmil    • 

' 


BOOKING-OFFICE. 


/- 


'  .rtial 
»t  t 


Tim  ('nj-um  who  waa  on  boai 
th*rngag<-ii>«-n' 

fieri  wriiu-n 


[| 


M  p 


1     the 

•vrof  during 
.f  the 
-.  r  reading. 

I     v*  i  1 1  i*    '  >  —.-  , 

for  UuMiana,  aince  when  hn.n«h»  to  bay  l.y  the 
la,*  the  doomed  crewa  of  the  ftVt  met  their  fate 
.iKin.     <>n  the  Admirals  flag- 
-.,.111  the  fir*t  mercOeaaly  trained  their 
ffuna.     With  oii-iani  h.iil  of  .  -I '«•!!«  falling  on  the 

,%  through  ihecahinsandeagincM 

Inferno  w«a  naliaed     VM  s^^ff 
.  ,....,,.  tar.  .  •  •     ill.-  I  i-t  n-tiirn.-l  an 


/,'.    7V//  in-  ,  -/^  'i  ;;• 

I  ,r..i//,/nV  ;/n.*j>  //-  .'    ""    "<"<:/. 

.   •  H  iHinm. 

it.  \\.-n.  ii/...-  ''  ;"  •/"''• 

/  Inii'jli'-'l  m<i  ii  if  tin"'*. 
/i.im/,  H  i//i.im. 


III^    l.«.k.    Th?    /XL/;/    ' 

•dy      twentieth     century, 
iinjin-xirin    who    "  j.re- 


to   have   «<•!    hi-   <i 

I |ot>iii  i:     \MI    Si"i  '.ni1  ' 
for     tin-re     is     an     American 

ill     the     m.  .st      :i|.| 
ini-dia-val.    for    \'. 


»  I 

i:i,.l.-rn    manner.      Ivpially    it     i- 

le  with  a  drawbridge   in  K'»d    working  . 

.ie   that    the   ea-lle    is    in    Koiimania.    where    anything 
mi. 'lit  hai.tien.  Imt  that  do --n't  alter  lh.  80  l-ir  do  the 

cha-  t    from    latter- 

;       .   •   ;  .-•:!•'  .1    .  ni 


l«i\   in  tin-  uirrrt. 
in  all  in-. 

• 
(rift 

'l.-lll     lilrrilJMK     with 

woiiinU.    fun-iiiK    ilx-ir 
into   the    liirn-t   uitli   inli-nt 

<rry  him  <>ff  l<>  an> 
»lii|>.  l»ik  him  l>>    the  arnw 
lid   I. n. 
i,.-    |  MI    hi-   I 

llif  KTOUIK!  tliiin  hr  Kr.«iii«-<l 
and    cuiii|il'-i'-ly    l«--t     OKI 
•riowminM."     In    tluit    slate 
he  WM  <-.irri<-l  < 
t.  .ii    uiiiiinK  :i|iHin--iili-  and 
hli-r.illy    tlii  l.uril 

tin*    liiwt    n***   on    • 
njj    toward* 
i|.|.|iii  Uitil.-lnp 

In    a    jT.-f.wv    - 

C'uuki:  nay*.  "The  U.til,  .  I 
TatMhima    u    l.y    far    tl..- 
gmleatand  rocwt  in  i 
naval  •  Trafalgnr." 

In  thin  little  l«--l>  I-  fi>mnl  a 
man  Ml' mo  «    r  I  jn. -Hire  »f  itit  actli 


f 

them,  a    Camlirid>;e    nnder- 
j;radnate.  refer^to  marmalade 
(  'amhrid.i,'.-     >-|n;i-h  "  : 
while   a   doorkeeper  at    the 

theatre  |.ronon  n  .-o 

pfculiar  a  manner  that    il    is 

.11  it  with  a  /;. 

•  |i|e     are 

thirst  "    when    they    "ant    a 
drink,   and    have    "  wall- 
for  llii-ir  money.     Tin'  fjody 
l-'r,  li/n.  loo.  is  distinctly  and 
admittedly    tv. 
r.imantie      and     a     modern. 
Still,  the   ri^ht    man  in. 
her,  and    does   the  villain   in 
the  .  -  all 


8i«Aop(v*o  ka*  "InJtnl  in"  ,./  rural  Sutdnt/SrhnalL  "  N-.».  I'M 

\.-l     TtU.  WHAT   M   MEAXT   BT  THK   VISITtTHUi   "f  THK   lll>l|.if  ?  " 
iMlf  <!irl  (aflrr  long  paiat).    "  I'l  n-i  .  SIB,  A»  AFFI.KTIOK  BEKT  FROM 

Bunart" 


•ner»  (AaVDtniMiiii  .  l.y  WIIIIIM  CAINK  and 
JoHx  KAIMUIBX.  in  miirlv  the  madd.-.!  U«.k  I  have  read,  and 
I  r»i-.il.l>  the  moat  origioaL  One  of  the  original 

arKu<- 

.il....t    tin-  u   and   the  anthorvhi).  of 

the  n<-\!       If   then  wrr-  >••   in    which   1 

,11.  n.-i  '  'dd  K"  ^niM-ihing 

^H— 


I 


/  /niir  n't  I'llxiund 

.  \l,  '•. 


Mr.  ti.  K.Ci 

eomj.limenteil  Mr.  r'l-llil: 
I'vwiN  on  his  wi-d(.m  in 
ea|.inrin«  clever  p.-o  pie  for 
his  Fiv.-t  Novel  l.il.r.iry. 
••  while  they  flill  imagine 
that  it  is  dilliciilt  I"  l«- 
l'(  it  wonderlnl, 

as   Mr.   nnrrBAy   says  after   his   rani  trick.-  Vi     .Indeed    l.y 
cxaltcil    standard    I    am    afraid    that    K.    C.    RTV», 


Uu 


authi.r  of   .If   tin-  SJ./M  ../  tl-  •    c.m.i;ht  i 

y.iiiii^  mon^li.  or.  let   i  m^ht  too  yonnK-       I  hat 

will  j;i\e  her  time  I..  .i;n.w  and.  JH-I  leveloj.  int  .....  ie  of 

(i    K.t'.'s  rl.-\.r   j..-..|.|e.      The  hero  of   her  story  M  a  Wit  of 
in.«li-rn  \oiin«  l>«liinvar.  who  carried  off  his  lady  ln\c.  n 
the  IH-I    hl.vd  in  the  llordcr.  lint    in  a  motor  car.  on    lh> 
of   her   marriage  to  another.      As   there  was   a   lend   U-lwe.ii 
their  lion  NT  them  to  meet   i-ach  other,  and 

OOOaequeiltly    l^H-lnnvai    was  U.nnd    to  make   the  most  of   his 
ill    I   don't    think    that    he   on^ht    to   have 
I  her  the  MI  olid  time  he  met  her.      Nor  do  I  consider  that 
K.  C.  l!ui.-  ha-  writ  ten  a  i  lexer  I  N  «>k  .  in  spite  ol  it- 


mi*'  'Vmi 


.     .  . 

toll.  .  ,\,-l    Ul.rary.      Hut    it  i-  ijnite  worth  her  while 

_ 


.    that    the  WarOHice  will   arrange  for  the 


im.      I  ihr  meant  fur 

.   111  tin-  .-vent  iii  a  raid,  by  motor  i> 
from  ly.ieli  n  to  tin-  i  \it  of  the  Channel  Tuiim-l.      ('midi. 

illy  cautioned  a^ain-t   attempting  to  net  ' 

;••  i 

mm  mytrlf  trimt  Quill  inm  ir>it 

for  the  return  journey  l.y  inviting  the  enemy  to  %n  Lack  with 

,                                                        •                                          ,11..:,. 

th.-m,  unlexs  of  cunrse  .                •  rs. 

JANUARY  16,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


MEN    AND    MANNERS.     THE    STRENUOUS    LIFE. 

First  Strenuous  Lh-er.  "On  TKS,  I  KNOW  BROWNE.    LAZY  CHAP.    USED  TO  COME  HERE  LIKE  CLOCKWORK;  BCT  LATELY  HE'S  TAKEN  TO 

S]  V  MM;    Mini  I    IN   THE   ClTY   OR  SOMEWHERE,  AND   HARDLY   EVER   TURKS  UP   BEFORE   FIVE." 

>r  rmrf  Strenuous  Liter  (virtuously).  "WE'VE  KO  USE  FOR  IQLERS  HERE."  [Business  proceeds. 


THE  WHITE  MAN'S  BURDEN. 

["  The  African  woman  is  the  African  man's 
greatest  worldly  asset."— Mrs.  French  Sheldon 
in  "  Womanhood."] 

OH,  pity  the  lot  of  the  nigger 

Whom  Poverty  marks  for  her  own  ! 
He  1ms  nothing  to  wear 
But  his  fuzzy  black  hair 
And  an  enemy's  femoral  bone  ; 
He  cuts  a  deplorable  figure 
With  his  cruelly  limited  life, 
Fur     what  a  confession  !— 
His  dearest  possession 
Is--  can  you  believe  it? — his  wife. 

He  hasn't  a  penny  to  boast  of, 
He  never  has  heard  of  a  share ; 

His  mind  is  a  blank 

If  you  mention  the  bank, 
And  he  greets  your  remark  with  a  stare. 
The  asset  that  he  thinks  the  most  of 
Is  the  asset  that  keeps  him  supplied 

With  yams  and  bananas, 

And  rice  and  sultanas, 
And  mealies  and  mangoes—  his  bride. 

For  him  no  luxurious  carriage 

Is  drawn  by  the  brightest  of  bays  ; 
He  hasn't  a  stud 
Of  the  bluest  of  blood 


That  the  Newmarket  stables  can  raise  ; 
No  motor-car  waits  in  its  garage, 
Prepared  at  a  moment  to  start ; 
Such  joys  are  denied  him — 
There 's  only  beside  him 
The  black  little  wife  of  his  heart. 

If  such  were  the  lot  of  the  white  man — 
If  Fate  in  her  wrath  had  decreed 
That  his  bride  was  the  best 
Of  the  things  he  possessed 
He  were  poverty-stricken  indeed  ! 
Sans  all  the  gay  joys  that  delight  man, 
With  nothing  on  earth  but  a  wife, 
Sans  motors,  sans  horses, 
Saris  all  the  resources 
Of  civilised  man — what  a  life  ! 


Hard  Case. 

A  MoNMOUTH  correspondent,  who  signs 
himself  "  Yours  ffaiddffwlly,"  writes,  in 
reference  to  a  recent  paragraph  in  Punch, 
that  "  Dr.  GLW  "  is  a  Welshman,  and 
pronounces  his  name  "  Glue."  "  This," 
says  our  correspondent  with  consider- 
able pertinence,  "  is  why  he  sticks  to  the 
old  pronunciation  of  Latin." 

What  should  A.  do  ? 


Court  Etiquette  at  Chatsworth. 

"  ON  Sunday  morning  the  KING  and 
QUEEN  attended  service  in  the  private 
chapel  at  Chatsworth  House  ....  Seated 
on  the  floor  of  the  chapel  were  the  Duke 
and  Duchess  of  DEVONSHIRE,  Princess 
HENRY  OF  PLESS,  Mr.  BAI.FOUR,  &c.,  &c." 
—Manchester  Guardian. 


Court  News. 

"  THE  late  Queen  of  HANOVER  was 
the  mother-in-law  of  our  own  Queen 
ALEXANDRA.  The  relationship  is  not  very 
close  .  .  ." — East  Anglian  Daily  Times. 

The  second  of  these  two  statements  is, 
of  course,  much  truer  than  the  first. 


Tragedy  in  Court. 
Horrible  Callousness  of  a  Magistrate. 

"  PLAINTIFF  further  said  he  was  afraid 
they  might  try  and  poison  him ;  such 
things  had  been  before. 

After  a  consultation  this  was  effected, 
and  the  Stipendiary  said  he  was  pleased 
to  hear  it." — Pontypridd  Observer. 


VOL.   CSSSII. 


PUNCH,   OR   THK    I.MNI><>N    ClIARIVAlil.  [JAXPAIT  M.  MOT. 


FOR    KAISER    AND    KINDERLAND. 


•as!  you  whose  J«  or  K 
Ten.  or  cracks  our  Eagles  spine, 

]     •  •          ..  i   .        .......      .;;•>: 

And  stamp  the  Socialists  under  Mel  ! 
Early  and  oft  mnd  all  you  GUI, 
Come  and  vote  tor  a  Kim's  man  ! 


Mot  lor  the  V.terland  I  plead, 
Bat  •  broader  tract  and  a  larger  breed ; 
I  refer  to  oar  sphere  beyond  the  fawn. 
Where  G«tMU»  enjoy  m"  home  from  home   - 
Our  chunks  of  desert,  our  charters  of  sand, 
Oar  glorious  Hinler-Kinderland ! 

Regarding  oar  Wstch-on-the-Rhine,  I  own 

The  rabble  affects  a  loyal  tone ; 

Hut  what  of  our  Watch  (with  a  world  at  slake) 

die  niggers  of  Tanganyika  Lake  ? 
What  of  Namaqualand,  and  what 
Of  our  way  of  humbling  the  Hottentot? 

I*  it  fair  on  the  Figure  that  holds  the  helm 
Of  a  navy  built  for  a  eca-wiile  realm — 

fair,  I  ask,  on  the  win  of  the  son 
» >f  the  non-forgettable  William  One 
That  his  comical  schemes  should  come  to  smash 
For  want  of  a  trifle  of  mere  spot-cash  ? 

Think  !  if  he  leU  his  anger  burn 

And  washes  his  hands  of  the  whole  concern ! 

Already  he  swears  that,  unices  Berlin 

-  his  local  candidate  in. 
lip  '11  ahake  its  dust  from  his  feet  and  dwell 
A  hermit  aloof  in  a  PoUdara  cell ! 

Picture  tin-  dolorous  Spree  in  spate, 
Swollen  with  tears  for  its  widowed  state ; 
I'u  t ure  the  IJndena  bare  of  bloom 
In  a  City  of  Utter  and  Abject  Gloom, 
With  never  a  monarch  to  flatter  its  eyes 
Esch  day  in  a  different  martial  guise ! 

Therefore.  I  beg,  lest  those  tilings  be, 

Hark  to  the  order  -  On  the  Knee ! ' 

Then  rise  in  your  might  and  go  like  mad 

K<>r  the  scum  of  the  earth  -rogue,  Pole  and  Had. ; 

Rise,  in  fact,  like  a  single  man. 

And  plump  for  your  KAISEK  all  you  can.        <  •   - 


THE  ATLANTIC  TUNNEL 
(By  Owr  Sptrial  CMMKMMMT.) 

So  far  this  great  and  far-reaching  scheme  has  not  nro- 
oeeded  much  beyond  what  the  hue  Lord  WIUAN  wittily  called 
the  pto-and-con.  stage,  but  the  promoters  are  still  M 
hoping  for  success.  We  may  perhaps  take  advantage  <>f  th« 
lull  in  the  proceedings  occasioned  by  the  fuilur-  of  the  Man 
and  Fiahguard  Bank  to  summarise  the  but.  >ry  .  .f  tin 


;  V 


.    believed  in  America  that  ,   origi 

ville,  Wis..  but  there  is  good  evidence  (see  Jtfr»i..ir«  „(  , 
GsntoMrian,  by  the  late  WIIA  M.I.C.E.,  VoL  II 

pp.   123-9.  and   SuUrmnean   1'rMfmt.  b>  ,.,!,.!„ 

pp.  380-7)  that  the  initial  suggestion  of  aglanc 

and  America  by  a  tunnel  germinated  in  the  br.nn  ..f  I  T 
Divot  Jam,  a  descendant  of  Admiral  Locuo,  one  of  NELBOX'B 
fsvoorite  capuins.  That  was  in  1 

y  the  subject  was   tak>-n  up  by  the  Press 


Immedial 


>oth  countries  and  en^;  .assed.      It    met    in    some 

quarters  with  mendation;    in  others  with 

Most  chilling  ilisfav..nr.  It  may  U-  well  now  to  set 
down  as  succinctly  as  possible  the  principal  charges  which 
MTP  ;  against  tin-  Atlantic  Tuiiiii-1,  and  the 

jrincipal  advantage*  thai  have  Uvn  claimed  for  it. 

Al'\AMAGES. 

1    It  will  oh\iate  sea  sii-kneea. 
It  uill  .iliviat«>  Kca-Hicknesm. 
3.  It  will  obviate  sea-aickneM. 

OBJK«  •!!• 

The  following  an-  eome  of  tli-'  <  -vith   tin-  n.unps 

appended  of  thoae  who  have  urged  tli.-m  \vitli  n 

1    It  will  make  it  far  too  easy  for  Amrrii;  •  here. 

Mr.  HERBERT  PAM.  M  I' 

2.  It  will  I*  stuffy.    (Mr.  EUSTACE  MILES.) 

3.  Suppose  the  Atlanti  l.-.ilv    thnmgh? 
AVEBUBT.) 

4.  Sliould  t  uniifls  be  so  long  ?    (Prof.  CHUSTWf  Oou 

5.  Isn't  sen-sickness  very  g<xxl  for  us,  an  i.slan.l  i 
(Hr.  Kin; 

IS.  We  sliall  liave  a  frontier  to  defcml,  which  now  we  have 
not.    (Lord  Bossre.) 
7.  The  fare  is  likely  to  be  more  than  twopence.    (SAKDT 


8.  It  will  ruin  shipping.     (Sir  AI.KISKH 

9.  The  rumbling  of  tin-  trains  uill  <-aus*>  iniiiionse  mor- 
tality among  fish.     (Sir  FHF.I*UII<  K  I'oi.i' 

10.  It  will  !>.•  an  awful  bore,      (Mr.  FI.-ANK  Ui.-n  un- 

it will  lx-  noticed  that  no  olijivi  piotol  from  the 

American  ni<lc,  when-  the  'runnel  is  hailed  with  the  gn 
enthusiasm,  as  bringing  Europe  three  or  four  days   nearer: 
so  much  so  that  we  should  not  be  surprised  if  the  Tunnel 
were  completed  from  the  American  side  to  a  point   halfway 
across  the  Atlantic  and  a  shaft  were  then  carried  vertically 
to  the  surface    with    a    floating    landing-stage  (or    p"i.' 
attached  to  it.     Passengers  on  the  steamltoats  fr-m   F.n^land 
would  disembark  here,  descend  to  the  'runnel  in  a  lift  and 
be  conveyed  to  New  York  swiftly  by  train  ;  while  the  Me.mier 
would  either  continue  its  voyage  with   the  heavier  ba^- 

•.urn  to  F.nglanil  with  the  pawcngcrs  which   another  of 
the  trains  had  brought  from  New  York.     It  is  calculated  that 
in  this  way  from  one  and  a  half  to  two  days  would    i>e  saved 
—  no  small  consideration   to   a   Wall   Street    operator.      The 
objections  to  this  compromise  are  few  and  trilling 
depth  of  the  sea;  (2)  the  difficulty  of  mooring  a  landing 
among  mid-ocean  gales;  (3)  the  notorious  instability  of  lilt 
boys'  characters. 

As  to  the  strategical  perils  of  the  Atlantic  Tunnel, 
American  opinion  is  also  favourable.  It  is  general! 
sidered  that  if  England  were  to  assail  tin-  St.it.  s  it  would  lx; 
by  way  of  the  Canadian  frontier  rather  than  by  forced 
marches  through  this  long  and  badly  \entilated  .submarine 
tube.  Moreover,  as  Col.  CODY  lias  shown  in  a  masterly 
memoir,  it  would  be  possible  to  flood  the  Tunnel  in  an  instant 
and  engulf  the  attacking  fon  e  ;  or  even  to  wait  for  them 
at  the  other  end  and  capture  each  man  separately  as  he 
emerged  from  the  lift  very  much  in  the  manner  of  the 
Pirates  and  the  b^t  llovs  m  !'•<.,-  /'.;». 

•  r  the  fail-  ,,f  the  Tunnel  as  a   whole,  share- 
•  v  this   partial  scheme   in 
full  working  order  in  from  eighty  to  a  hundred  years. 


A    Fatal    Beauty. 

'  It    is   told  t.f  her  that  when,  as  a  Wide,  she    entered 
Ihiblin    C.i>ile   M   a    ball,  the  miiiiiciai.  .  dead   in  the  I 

mid'i  Its  to  gaza  at  her  in  ithed  admiration,"  I 

—  Irith  Society. 

_  •  •  l~Lf  _  -a^^ •  "I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— JANUARY  16,  1907. 


TAKING   IT   LITTOKALLY. 


SPANISH  GENDARME.  "LOOKS  AS  IF  THEY'RE  GOING  TO  BREAK  THE   PEACE." 
FRENCH  GENDARME.  "YES,  I  DARESAY.      BUT  THEY'RE  NOT  ON  OUR   BEAT." 

[By  the  terms  of  the  Algeciras  Conference  the  duties  of  the  French  and  Spanish  Constabulary  in  Morocco  are  confined  to  the  Sea-board.] 


JVM-ARY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


41 


\ 


M  i  ii 


Mother.  "  I  DON'T  THINK,  DARLINGS,  THAT  YOU  SHOULD  BE  PLAYING  CARDS  ON  A  SUNDAY." 
Jack.  "  BUT,  MUMMY,  WE'RE  NOT  PLAYING  PROPERLY.     WE'RE  ONLY  CHEATING!" 


THE    CULT    OF    GRIMNESS. 

THE  new  Play  at  the  Court  Theatre  having  aroused  a 
lively  controversy  as  to  the  true  end  of  dramatic  art,  Mr. 
I'init'h  has  been  at  paina  to  gather  a  sheaf  of  opinions 
from  leading  representatives  of  modern  thought. 

Mr.  AI/,I.U\O\  ASIITON,  who  was  on  the  point  of  starting 
for  Woking  when  our  representative  arrived,  courteously 
delayed  his  departure  for  a  few  minutes  and  expressed  his 
opinions  on  the  subject  with  his  usual  lucidity  and  candour. 
"1  think,"  lie  said,  "that,  in  a  pleasure-loving,  frivolous  age 
like  ours,  dramatists  ought  to  insist  on  the  Aristotelean 
principle  of  piirifying  their  aiidiences  by  pity  and  terror. 
1  am  glad  to  note  therefore  that  Golliwogs  were  in  evidence 
at  the  .luvenile  Fancy  Dress  Ball  at  the  Mansion  House  last 
week,  and  the  continued  popularity  of  Grimms  Fairi/ 
Tiilcn  is  a  hopeful  sign."  Here  Mr.  ALGERNON  ASHTOX 
adjusted  a  mute  to  his  violin  and  hurried  off  to  Waterloo  in 
his  all-black  "  Mors  "  landaulette. 

Mr.  W.  S.  (liuiEiiT  is  also  a  firm  believer  in  the  educa- 
tional use  of  the  horrible,  witness  the  prominence  assigned 
to  the  headsman  in  '/'//<>  Yeoman  of  the  Guard,  and  the  choice 
of  "  ( Irimsdyke "  ;is  the  name  of  his  ajtately  home  in  the 
Harrow  Weald. 

Mr.  (',]•> II:<;K  \II\\\HKK  writes:  "AsT  have  already  stated 
in  The  Itn'ihj  Mail,  there  is  a  demand  for  the  grim  play, 
but  it  must  be  met  in  the  proper  spirit.  It  is  not  enough 
to  inspire  horror  by  facial  expression  alone ;  the  whole 
resources  of  sartorial  art  must  be  enlisted  to  enhance  the  de- 
sired effect.  I  know  by  experience  that  there  is  no  surer  way 


of  conveying  the  impression  of  sinister  and  uncanny  wicked- 
ness than  by  wearing  baggy  trousers  of  Harris  tweed  with  a 
single  white  spat." 

Mr.  A.  C.  BmsOK  begged  to  be  excused  from  giving  an 
opinion  on  the  ground  that  the  subject  was  exhaustively 
treated  in  the  chapter  on  the  terribilita  of  MICHELANGELO  in 
his  forthcoming  monograph  on  the  great  Florentine ;  in 
his  biography  of  IVAN  the  Terrible,  which  would  be  ready 
for  publication  in  another  fortnight ;  as  well  as  in  his  new 
Life  of  TORQUEMADA,  which  he  hoped  to  finish  on  February  14. 

Mr.  BARRIE  expressed  himself  against  the  macabre,  in  drama 
and  denied  the  truth  of  the  rumour  that  he  was  engaged  on  a 
new  play  to  be  called  The  Colossal  Sinister. 

ON  MUTABILITY. 

AH,  Poet,  when  you  wrote  your  mournful  lay, 
And  sang  that  in  each  unsuspecting  breast 
There  lurks  the  gnawing  microbe  of  unrest, 
That  Constancy  is  but  a  name  to-day, 
And  naught  there  is  that  will  not  pass  away  ; 

Then,  though  great  spasms  shook  my  ample  chest, 
I  cried,  "  A  poet  must,  of  course,  know  best ; 
All  things  indeed  are  destined  to  decay." 
But  now  Hope  lifts  again  her  'minished  head  ; 
For  lo,  at  breakfast,  when  my  sad  eyes  ranged 
Over  the  morning  news,  a  dazzling  line 
Burst  on  my  sight  and  warmed  my  blood  like  wine ; 
Whereat  in  joyoua!  tones  I  loudly  said, 

"  Thank  Heav'n  the  Bank  rate  still  remains  unchanged  !  " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A   TRAP   FOR 
Ml.  Pom's  Uvr 


COUNTRY  M:CL 


•Mil. 


1907. 


Bat, talking. .f  en-  QUR    VICAR'S    DREAM, 

be  at  ftf**"1"   Yard   is  when   a  ... 

e  detective  staff  in  posses-      Cbwrnraivo  that  Our  Baaar  was  still 

sSoVof  a  £?£f£?43*  foTa^  .week  .Usta,,,.  I  though,  that  the  face 
By  an  old  unwritten    l.ut  \       '•  "  r,":"",nl  !y  Kr')T 


to    coma 


pre*.     or   »n    mu    mini  iii'-u    "•••     •  • 

Moorable  law,  double  rations  of  Scotch  As  I  ..hook  Inn,    ,y  the  hand 

"  «  h:m.l.-d  ""»•  customs  Mill  survive  in  our  remote 


Scotia 


(hence      ncouaml       larti;  are   unnuru 

is.  of  coarse.  Unadopted  home  round  whenever  a  clue  is  hit  upon,  and  -.,1  >    «><'1<'    W 

i  finding  it  as  it  in  not  until  thin  ceremony  has  !>•  •  '\  maintained  a  paltry   iit\- 

^.BBartlieHouseVofParlia-  observed  that  the  val. f  th.  "Mr.  SIM.-A,  1   have  bad  a  en 

the  Cabinet  haw  inexpensive  examined  there  are  sometimes  as  many  dream 

,  in  and  abo^SooSsnTYard  as  eight  clues  in  an  hour.     No  SO  "<>h,"  «ud  I,  still  keep.ng  an 

KMT  Scotland    Y.  !!»•*«  however,  has  a  clue  Ixx-n  approved  of  mind. 

J»4««MUX.   for  example,  ha,  than  the  whole  d,-.,  I    gets  to       "\e8.averycuriousdream. 

vain*  Street,  which  work.    The  first   thing  in  to  ,  He  mused. 

jaS^tnTroaZ    Mr.  W.UJVM  overcoat*,  some  being  turned  inside  out        "II  '<    BnWOK, 

uriv  eoaoonoed  in  a  I*  rease  the  disguise.    Wigsarethen  that  our  methyls  of    ,,    er    w»««rae 

sitting-room  «w   the  A.  B.C.  at   the  donned,  moustaches    J— '  °  •'""•  "~  •  '"""  "Kai>1'""  ' 


And  so  forth.     Tlie  lodgings  whiskers  floored,  noses  reddened.    The 
actually  in  the  Yard  itself 
dosively  occupied  by 

• 


,,r  cut  off,  eion  are  »  tnfle  obsdetej 


It  n-v.-r  I 


criminals 
the  police  are  most  in  need. 
TVy  have  bond  that  living 
.  -,      •         ..    _•   •        !    •   • 
is  by  far  the  safest  thing 
• 

Lrt  us  enter  the  famous 
hoad-quarurs  of  the  1'.  •!.••• 
—  though  why  called 
"head"  no  one  has  ever  yet 

• '  • 

A  series  of  lmi.1  double 
knocks  and  a  few  f mtxied 
lasting  over  ten 
or  so,  will  bring 
sergeant  to  the 
\\'f  thrn  enter  and 
art-  led  retpertfully  into 
a  snail  but  luxurious  ante- 
room, where  we  are  care- 
fnOjr  searched  and  ei 
change  oar  boots  for  list 
slippers  —  lest  we  make 

i  -  1      * 

ch    noise   and   m- 
with    the   delicate 
of  the 


OUR   UNTRUSTVVoHTHY   ARTWT   IS    l.o.M 
STOTLUB  YAEO  AT  Wou.     DKracnrn  roixo«ixu  A  Scsracr. 


The 

"Till 

SIMPSON,  it  had 
struck  mi-.  Till  last  night 
I  had  always  thought  that 
Ilritish  Commercial  Knter 
prise"  I  rii-ed  my  hat 
reverently)  "had  at  le:i>t 
survived  in  one  quarter 
the  Church  Ifci/^uir.  That 
•ill  la>t  night." 

lie   ].ause<l.      1    could  S.H- 

his     puke     was 
ground. 

"  Mr.  Si  MI- IN  '  Tell  me, 
have  you  ever  heard  I 
implore  you  to  speak 
truthfully  have  you  ever 
heard  of  any  one  visiting  a 
irillmut  xjH'ililniij  n 
penn;/ .'  " 

Should  I  conceal  my 
knowledge?  No,  that 
would  !»•  cowardly.  He 

know     the 

"  The     thing     has      been 
I   whispered     "for 
a  wa^- 

"Then,   who  knows  l.ut 


detective  staff,  or  wake  anyone  up.             whole  staff  having  changed  its  appear  that  it  may  IN-  done  again  ?  " 

Oar  courteous  cicerone  then  leads  us  ance— this  one  U-mg  a  coster  and  that  "  Who  knows!  " 

from  one  room  to  another  of  this  fasci-  a  prize-ngliU-r,  thin  a  Salvation   Army  I  saw  that  even   the   masterful   self 

noting  building.  We  aee  everything.   We  soldier  and  that   a   Member  of   I'arhi  control    of    our    Vicar    could    - 

aw   the    kilcbena    where    the    umniM  ment.  this  n  Herman  bandsman  and  that  n-striin  the  emotions  Rtirging  within. 

bloodhound  soap  (or  " SJetitho,"  as  it  is  a    Il.irl.-y  Street    surgeon  —  they  sally  "Mr.  SIMI-SON.   I  will  tell  you  of  my 

sjanatirally  called)  i»  l»rewe«l.  <m   forth  en  SKMM,  cheered  on  their  way  by  dn-nm,  and  then  you  may  judge  wh.-tln  r 

i 

Its  of  froaen  bloodhrxind  arriving   neighbouring  windows  by  all  the  lending  that    I   was  gazing  far   into  the  future, 

daily  from  the  little  inland  of  criminab  of  England,  and  melt  iu>i»-r  a   future    in    which    old    cu-toms,   old 

guinar.    We  aee  the  carpenters'  ceptibly  int..  the  streets  on  their  separate  institutions,  hail  vanished  and   U-come 

where  scores  and  scores  of  the  and  exciting  minions.     Some    |..-H,.,|.-  as   du-t     all    save  the  Church    15a/.a  .r 

Ah  This   cunnjiig  weapon    in    the    hands   of 

.  Charity  alone  «<>emi-d  to  have  flourished. 

Kor.   as    I    li«.k.   I.    1    was    wafted 

:->«..mt«-r-.  ,    (|r,,,ming)     "into    a     large 


sblrst  members  of  the  Force  are  engaged   never  to  return  alive ! 
hi    protracting   esses.      We   see   UM  . 

tslatfi|ih  room,  where  an  operator  aits 
day  and  night  transmitting  in  cipher 
that  mean  His  or  death  to 


of  gvihy  and  innocent  per- 


of  arrests  all  over  the  worid.    Nothing 


:..!.-        ' 


: 


ing  when  there  happens  to  be  anyone 
in  who  can  read  the  cipher. 


in  Moroccan  affairs  (as   illustrat' 

'•inch  '•  cartoon  of  the  Spanish  and 
French  gendarmerie  confined  to  {>»int- 


duly  ..n  th-  littoral)  seems  to  have  been 
foreshadowed  by  the  poet  DBTDFA 

Tho'Korw'of  Europe  coall  no  furtli 


building  where  the  multitude  of  live- 
shilling  ticket  holders  was  not  to  be 
iHimlicred  any  more  than  the  Hands  of 
the  seashore.  It  was  a  da/aar.  and  as 
MII'  mi-ts  clearecl  from  ID- fore  nr. 
I  i-oui  it  the  opening  ceremony 

i. id   just   lx-«'u   p-rWim-d   I iv  one  whose 


JAM-ART  16,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


43 


fnx-k-coat  pnx'laimed  him  to  be  a 
popular  actor.  Then,  before  I  could 
recover  from  my  surprise,  I  saw  this 
er  matinee  idol  walk  from  stall  to  stall, 
speaking  a  word  of  encouragement  here. 
spending  a  half-crown  there,  and  losing 
a  button  of  his  frock-coat  to  Charity 
every  step  or  two."  Onr  Yiear  pauseil 
and  fidgeted  nervously  with  an  imaginary 
moustache, 

".Mr.  Si.Mi'snx,  do  you  really  think 
Nature  intended  bazaars  to  be  opened 

Iry  in, men  .'  " 

"Hut  Lady  BujUDLB-BurePKLL?" 

"  11  in  !  I  suppose  we  couldn't  put  her 
off.  I  suppose  we  1  may  add,  Mr. 
SIMPS  IN,  that  those  buttons  were  rallied 
.sr/>iiiM/r/i/."  The  Vicar  seemed  tu  lie 
making  a  mental  calculation.  "But  to 
proceed  with  the  dream.  The  first  stall 
that  I  visited  -still  in  my  dream,  Mr. 
SIMPSON  was  one  at  which  a  party  of 
ladies  submitted  to  the  indignity  of 
receiving  kisses,  for  a  consideration  of 
— if  I  remember  rightly — half  a  guinea 
the  set." 

"  My  dear  Vicar,  that  idea  is  much 
older  than  Posterity." 

"  Possibly,  Mr.  SIMPSON.  But  I  ought 
to  explain  that  no  s<x>ner  had  a  gentle- 
man left  their  stall,  than  he  was  con- 
fronted by  one  of  the  touts  of  the 
I/x-al  Information  Department  who  had 
taken  lessons  in  the'  rudiments  of 
Blackmail.  That  idea  is,  I  believe, 
somewhat  novel  and  should  certainly 
prove  a  mine  of  wealth  to  Charity. 

"  Next  I  visited  the  Burglary  Stall. 
Yon  must  know,  Mr.  SIMPSON,  that  for 
weeks  before  the  opening  of  this  Ba/.aar 
a  party  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  had 
been  practising  the  gentle  art  of  house- 
breaking.  On  the  opening  day  they 
paid  surprise  visits  to  the  homes  of 
all  those  who  had  purchased  family 
tickets.  And  the  humorous  side  of 
this  enterprise  was  that  the  unfortunate 
householders  were  under  the  compul- 
sion of  buying  back  their  sets  of  plated 
spoons  at  the  price  of  real  nilver" 

lie  sighed  when  he  thought  of  all  the 
money  that  had  changed  hands  at  this 
stall. 

"There  were  also  Conjuring  Enter- 
tainments at  which  visitors'  gold  watches 
were  transformed  into  rabbits  and 
guinea  pigs.  When  these  were  not  in 
progress  the  conjuror  lent  his  valuable 
assistance  to  the  Iiaflling  Committee. 
He  drew  the  numbers  from  the  hat. 
The  winner  in  every  ease  proved  to  be 
an  unknown  person  who  never  claimed 
his  prize.  In  this  way.  one  table-centre 
was  rallied  twenty-four  times. 

" '1  hen  there  was  the  Countess  of 
CABSHALTON'S  Introduction  Stall,  and  the 

Pawning  Stall,  and  the ,  I  think  1 

awoke  at  the  Pawning  Stall." 

I  looked  at  our  Vicar's  watch-chain. 
It  was  only  a  dream. 


glass 


Formidable  Navvy  (to  Gent,  who  is  about  to  give  corrective  touches  to  his  tie  in  shop  looking 
us).  "  DON'T  YOU  TOUCH  IT,  Sin.    I  WOULDN'T  IF  I  WAS  YOU.     I  WOULDN'T  BEALLY  ! 


"Mr.  SIMPSON,  do  }-ou  think  any  of 
these  ideas  might  possibly  come  under 
the  Charity  Crimes  Exemption  Act  ?  " 

I  did  not  think. 

I  feared  our  Vicar  was  going  to  give 
way  again,  but  manfully  he  resisted  the 
temptation.  I  saw  a  far-away  look  steal 
o'er  his  features.  "I  wonder,"  he 
murmured,  "I  wonder  if  Mr.  GEORGE 
A i. EX. \XDEII  or  Mr.  LEWIS  WALLER  would 
be  disengaged  on  the  twelfth." 

I  left  him  wondering. 

The  next  time  I  met  the  Vicar  was 
just  before  the  opening  ceremony  of 
Our  Bazaar.  In  his  hands  were  two 
telegrams. 

"Mr.  SIMPSON,  I  am  afraid  we  shall 
have  to  fall  back  on  Lady  BLUNDLE- 
BLUXDELL  after  all."  Then  his  counten- 
ance brightened.  On  tiptoe  he  conducted 


me  across  the  Village  Hall  to  an  un- 
furnished stall.  He  pointed  to  a  large 
notice-board.  "  A  little  idea  borrowed 
from  Posterity,"  he  whispered.  I  read  : 


LOCAL  INFORMATION  STALL. 


The  truth  about  Mrs.  SMYTHSON'S    «.    d. 
black  -silk 2     & 

Why  the  DHUMMONDS  left  Holly- 
bank  Lodge 30 

What  happened  at  Lady  GCSSETT- 
OHMILOE'S  At  Home  after  Miss 
JONES  left  (official) 50 

The  true  cause  of  the  misunder- 
standing between  the  Vicar  and 
Miss  STAMMERS  ;  with  a  forecast 
of  the  line  of  action  which 
Miss  S.  will  take  up  in  the 
event  of  a  breach  of  promise  .  10  6 

There  was  money  in  it. 


PUNCH,  OR  THi:    K'XDON  CH.MMVAKI. 


ON    THE    CHOICE    OF    PETS. 
not   contain  »   P**- 


whicfa   do 


It   M 


gtoerally  •  dog.  though   I  know  one 


lest  they  shall  be  stolen,  and  a 

,      .          .  .  .  .  ,      . 


;.,, 


aity  for  the  day-time,  while  at  night- 
time the  only  way   to  guard    ». 
ia  to  lork  your  1 


Ti«rn  fo  wrll  wilt  sIsMM  tnj  drew. 

home  where  there  is  trouble  because  a 
lady  has  given  up  smooth-coated  terriers 
in  favour  of  long-haired  musicians. 

But    there  are  signs  that  dogs  are 

oned.  In  these  days  when  we  all 
have  our  expensive  motorcars,  economy 
hat  to  be  considered.  If  you  keep  a 
dog  vou  have  to  pay  a  tax,  but  not  if 
you  keep  a  lion,  a  polar  bear,  a  tiger,  a 
leopard,  a  butterfly,  a  hippopotamus,  a 
silkworm,  or  a  wart-hog.  A  few  words 
on  these  alternatives  may  therefore  be 
bdnful  to  householders. 

In  choosing  a  pet,  do  not  forget  to 
consider  ^^f  Question  of  climatic  condi- 
tions. Hemember  th.it  a  polar  bear 
which  may  thrive  at  Hanipstaad  will 
pine  away  in  South  London. 

Lions,  I  am  afraid.  I  cannot  recom- 


unreauvedly 

•   •. 


Their  sue  ia  very 
a  take  one 


owt  for  a  walk  with  you.  in  Kurupe  at 
any  rat*,  you  will  probably  attract  iimrv 
attention  than  is  denimhle,  and  run  the 
risk  of  being  called  ostentatious, 
member    the  saying.  "If  you  keep  a 

-  ••     - 

still,  your   servants.    Only    the   other 
day.  when  I  was  paying  a  visit  at  the 
boose  of  a  friend  who  owns  a  magnifi- 
•imen   of   the   South   African 
of   the  Desert,  sn  hysterical 
• 

Huffy  are  eat  the  rp-and-down 
>od  now  he's  ohaain'  Cook  round 
the  back  garden."  The  Master  bad  to 
threaten  Fluffy  that  if  be  .1 
at  once  he  should  not  hare  his  piece  of 
sugar  that  erraing.  Another  dra 

that  one  is  in  a  perpetual  stale  of  fear 


Far  more  desirable  than   a  htm,   m 
my  o|  Tiger*  always 

look  neat,  and  for  ladies  tin-  point  is 
an  important  one  they  go  well  with 
almost  any  dretts.  In  f->-  1  I  know 
nothing  more  becoming  '"  •>  •MP*' 
coatnme.  "  Yellow  Hoy.  -  r.  re 

quires  cnreful  looking  after  in  our 
climate.  It  must  not  be  forgotten  that 
Immediately  he  begin* 
look  droopy,  i*>p  him 
for  nil  hour  or  two. 
Many  a  valuable  creature  has  been  lc*-t 
owing  to  the  neglect  of  this  8imi>h> 
precaution. 

•!»•  by,  not  a  bad  substitute  for 
a  full-grown'  tiger,  and  considerably 
cheaper,  is  a  cat  But  those  who  are 


lie  is  an  exotic. 
to  shiver  and 
into  the  oven 


A  rhildb-M  couple  would  do  well  to  consider 
UM  wuvhog. 

fond  of  mice  should  not  keep  a  cat : 
they  miiht  have  tigers. 

If  you  are  anything  of  a  Sportaman, 
buy  not  a  tiger  or  a  cat,  hut  a  leopard 
andan  air-gun.  You  will  then  be  able  to 
have  some  admirable  target- practice  on 
your  leopard.  Choose  your  spot,  and 
at  it.  I  have  long  thought  that 


the  reason  why  we  are  not  a  nation  ,.| 
marksmen  ia  our  seemingly  ineradicable 
diajike  of  keeping  leopards.    Of  course 
nut  choose  your  leopard  with  cnre. 
iat  you  get  a  good  natur-  . 
With  a  little  experience  u.u  will  won 
be  able  to  know  what  point*  you  should 

•  nti-Ti    Inii   i 

twinV!  .-rally  tl,. 

r  IHIV  a  !• 
second  I i.o i-l.  or  at  a  sale.     You  m.iy  l» 

I  reduced, 
not  all  that  he  should  I*-. 


I    ii--.il     ^•an-.-ly    My    that    the    best- 
n.iiun-'l   lii-pard   in   tin-  world   may  l>e  a 
Kit    ton.  -I,  y  at   tuii-s.      Id-   m;i>    r-'im-   t» 
i  hat   In-  has  had  enough 
-f   tli-  'I''"* 

poor  duiiii 

|lfta    to  his    mi-ailing    !••    u-.     ny 

signs.      \Vhni    tin-    1.  i>i-.-ird    f.i-ii-ns    his 
livth    into  you,   \oii   may  tak- 

i_'ii   tlial    tin-   fun 


him.     It    is   his 


ginning   to   pull    U)H>II 
warning.      !>TM*I  tln-li. 

Hy  tin-  way.  an  undoubted  drawback 

I,  i  li,  and   leopard.-  is  ihp 

fact    tllat    they   moult    on-.-   a    year.      To 

persons  to  whom  this  is  an  insuperable: 
objection  1  would  recommend  Kthiopiann. 
These  cannot  change  their  .-kins,  try  as 
they  may. 

The  i  hoice  of  peta  is  really  infinite, 
and  it  i.-,  astonishing  how  hackneyed  the 
taste  of  the  average  man  is.  In  my  own 
house  I  h;  'ory.  A  friend 

advised  me  to  have  a  few  liirds  there. 
I  ai.kt.-d  him  •'What  sort'/"  lie  wa.- 
pM-al  man  in  the  stnt-t.  and 
answered  "Canaries."  I  scorned  the 
bourtjeoix  ide-a.  and  went  out  and  lumght 
.1  couple  of  vulttircji.  The  r!' 

striking. 

'J'heru   must,  however.  1x3  many   per- 
sons who  an-  on  this  look-out   for 
tiling  really  biztiriv  in   the  way  of 
The  attention   of  these  1  would   r- 
fully  draw  to  the  undoubted  claims  of 
the    wart-hog.        The     wart-hog    always 
looks  distinguished.     II-  B    ngly 

than  u  bulldog,  and  you  do  ii"t  have 
to  take  out  a  licence  to  keep  him.  A 
childleHs  couple  would  do  well  to  con- 
sider the  wart-hog.  Only  !»•  careful  in 
naming  him.  You  will  have  uo  idea 
how  prone  a  friend  is  to  lake  offence 
until  you  give  your  wart-hog  the  same 
name  as  your  friend  bears. 

Lovers  of    <|iiiel    and    sufferers    from 


A  liippnpot»mun.  stuffed,  make*  a  norel  and 
•Irikinx 


JANUARY  16,  1007.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


45 


Xw\tWc 


Liltle  Willie.  "  YOU'LL  CAT.  K  IT,  GERALD,  WHEN  MOTHER  SEES  TOD!" 

Gemlil  (irlin  linn  Jntijnlli-n  ,-rri-ijlliiinj  in  tin'  rjccilrmenl  t>f  the  game).  "  Wllv  ?     Is  MT  COLLAR  DIRTY?" 


neuralgia  require  special  consideration 
in  the  matter  of  pets.  To  these  I  would 
recommend  silkworms,  whose  language 
is  unexceptionable,  except  when  you 
have  to  take  the  lettuce  from  them  for 
the  salad  ;  or  butterflies,  whose  bark, 
even  when  they  are  angry,  is  scarcely 
audible;  or  moths.  Moths,  however,  re- 
quire a  lot  of  pampering.  For  instance, 
you  must,  unless  you  would  for  ever  be 
listening  to  grumbles,  supply  them  with 
fur  overcoats.  And  for  people  with 
nerves  who  cannot  stand  animals  which 
are  always  jumping  and  frisking  about, 
there  are  snails.  Tortoises,  again,  are 
durable,  and  slow  to  take  offence.  But 
if  MIU  are  keen  on  having  a  pet  that 
will  not  soon  wear  out,  take  my  advice 
and  go  in  for  a  hippopotamus.  Hippo- 
potami are  very  little  trouble,  and  eat 
anything.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to 
take  them  once  a  day  to  the  Serpentine. 
or  your  nearest  river,  for  a  swim,  for  the 
little  beast ies  are  very  fond  of  water. 
And  remember  that  they  are  somewhat 
sensitive  in  the  matter  of  names.  An 
acquaintance  of  mine  owns  a  lady  hippo- 
pot.mius,  and  the  vain  creature  will  only 
purr  when  he  calls  her  Fifine. 


Finally,  a  point  well  worth  consider- 
ing, especially  by  economical  folks,  when 
choosing  a  pet  is  this :  Shall  I  be  able 
to  eat  it  or  use  it  after  death?  Ducks, 
for  example,  will  give  satisfaction  in 
this  respect.  In  their  lifetime  they  will 
lend  a  nice  countrified  appearance  to 
a  drawing-room.  Of  course  one  cannot 
have  water  there,  but  a  sheet  of  looking- 
glass  on  the  floor  serves  as  well,  for 
ducks  have  never  been  noted  for  intelli- 
gence. After  death  they  are  admirable 
in  the  dining-room.  Take  your  tiger, 
again,  when  his  soul  has  departed,  press 
him  between  the  leaves  of  a  heavy  book, 
and  you  have  a  handsome  rug.  A 
hedgehog  carefully  treated  will  form  a 
capital  stand  for  hat -pins;  and  a 
hippopotamus,  stuffed,  makes  a  novel 
and  striking  paper-weight. 


IN  connection  with  our  article  of  last 
week  on  "  Taking  a  Licence,"  a  corre- 
spondent writes  to  say  that  by  an  Act 
intituled  The  Canal  Boats'  Act  Amend- 
ment Act,  1884,  a  travelling  caravan  is 
not  a  carriage  or  a  cab  or  a  cart  or  a 
house,  but  just  a  canal  boat. 


Teeth  for  Swallowing. 

"  DENTIST constructs  Artificial  Teeth  by 

suction  without  pain,  which  are  perfect  for 
eating  and  drinking.  Single  Tooth,  5». ;  Set, 
£2." — Irish  Times. 

WE  do  not  pretend  to  follow  the 
process  of  constructing  Artificial  Teeth 
by  suction,  but  we  are  glad  to  think 
that  it  is  painless.  At  the  same  time 
we  cannot  honestly  recommend  ivory 
either  as  a  food  or  a  beverage. 

SOME  people  have  seen  fit  to  mock  at 
the  emptiness  of  the  electric  airs  on  the 
Embankment.  But  a  word  should  surely 
be  said  for  the  almost  superhuman 
ingenuity  of  the  L.C.C.  official  who,  in 
selecting  his  "  arrcls  du  tramway," 
contrived  so  well  to  ignore  the  require- 
ments of  the  public.  Thus  there  is  no 
stopping-place  opposite  Temple  Station 
or  Charing  Cross  Station,  or  the  approach 
to  Bouverie  Street. 


THERE  is  grief  over  the  waning  of  the 
White  Star  in  the  Liverpool  sky.     Local 
Shakspcarians  are  remarking  that 
The  jollity  of  Mersey  is  restrained. 


PUNCH,  OB  THB  LONDON  OHAB1VARI. 


"Me*.  ADJLM.S  Du  \i-i  i\tt  m>T  HT  THIMOK?" 
"Win    Sn.  v...  Sit.     BIT  SOMETIME*  I  ttowt!' 


80UTLAN1' 


UN. 

>tin«  i«n  UM  pnapcet 


o4  a  I  ItuavJTun 
a«d  •»»••  wwU  !*•»«  Uw  mmt  nnrUtrni 
a/  tfaatlaad   Md  not  In  lb» 


l.lr. 

•iamj.  Aa«ria.  Bi»a»a«ia.  fWria,  Bui 
«»n«.  fi^ini  Bnma«>ii.TMi»y  and  Craeea."] 

EH.  Sin,  my  hairt  ha*  aft  been  wae 
•-funk  boo  foreign  f<4k 
•loomed  to  groan  the  leelang  day 
'Nmih  ignorance'!  yoke  ; 

.1 

An  a  the  hm>  created 

To  pine  awa'  m  lUrkncw  a1 

Untaught,  aneddkaled. 

I«amaneihke«Mlk«o) 

To  blane  the  When  Turk* 
Far  bein'  MC  benighted  nwo. 

Though  Uuu'  MIT  their  warki  ; 
•>e)r  were  Mind  in  tool  and  mind, 

An*  wMfalljr  fall  ihort  in 
What  ,*  DO  their  hut 

8»t  nracfa  M  their  million  m. 

For  boo  wr  n-  ther  to  keo,  pair  detk, 
Twist  richt  an'  wraog,  while  they 


iili^lii. n.-l  chiels 

In  outer  darknem  lay  ''. 
They  've  had  nae  chance  to  mak'  advance 

Toward*  a  deo-i.i  life,  iix.n 
I  '11  I«IP«|KC  my  W'inl.  h"iue  lievna  li«-.inl 

The  very  name  o'  Fife,  i 

Hut  then-  '11  lie  changes  cumin'  i. 

MI  a  twa-Uiree  year 
We  'U  hae  expntwn.  ruiuiin'  tlim' 
i«  a'  the  airts  t<>  h<  i 
.reiona  tae  I  doot  we  '11  hae, 
An'  folk  '11  cume  in  hunnerw 

•    V  -       \    •      •    i:   •  .    .-    .,-  ... 
To  tee  oor  Fifeshire  wunners. 

u.  'tis  true  aa  true  can  be, 
'•n  they  begin  to  move 
'Mid  rulturnl  Filers  sic  aa  me 

They  canna  but  improve : 
The  French  'U  tee  it  '•  wrong  to  be 

Sae  licht  an'  fickhvhairted ; 
The  Dutch  and  Finns  will 
An'  flee  to  be  convairi' 

Frae  Turkey  tae.  wh  ,,ht. 

Throngh-rairi'lfjPM  will  ,  • 
i  urk-i  will  ink'  a  n.v 
•  Byxantium ; 


An'  nii'liU'  when  thi-y  Ir.irn  I"  ki'ii 

||,.,  N-,  ,|»  ,-,,.|lri\i-  t"  I.-  IP 
Tlit-v  'II  tr.iivrl  l.uk  in  li:i.-ti-  ;iu'  niak' 

The  Si  I.IAN  join  tin-  \\ 

•  III  ay.  tin-  laiig  lilac-k  nit-lit  that  seemed 

Wit  In  »•!  an  cii'l  i.-.  i 

Ilii-  ^li.ri'ni-  ihiy  i  ,'  «  liii  li  I  M-  'In-.unod 
.ill   \N  ill  il.iun  at   1 
fii  in  HI  tin-  sun  lin-aks  tlmiii^li 

luinii^li'-d  metal, 

Kur     hail  the  tli.K-lit!      tin-  \vai  '1   is  Imn-ht 
In 


Another  Tragedy. 

"On    Friday    niglit   Uio   nriiii''i.il     ]«>ii'l    ;it 
Melrove  ww  the  nceni-  of  »  njiirito<l  tlirtw-rink 
match  between  the  home  playiTs  ami  tin'  r!nl> 
from  Q*U.    ll  WM  one  of  i. 
games  <>f  the  aeason.  »nd  result..  I  \\\  i  .., 
"  Sox  .-/rr. 

Th..  Pace  that  KilU. 
I  IT.  prooeMioo  moved  off  at   a  walk,  the 

•nil  cavalry  galloping    af- 
lik^  Co«iack»  of  the  Don."—  /).•»'-/  Moil. 


Ami's 

•    k-' 


T'i   llio   insi'iri-<l  riati'iiti-i- nf  llir 
Bakerloowefm-ly  oti-  uinl  nanu/ 

fur  the  Channel  Tonne] :     The 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. -JANUARY  10,  1907. 


KEEPING    IT    DOWN' 


FROM   BISMARCK   TO   BIJELOW. 

A  BIGGER  TASK  FOR  A  SMALLER  MAN. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


49 


.. 


THE    LETTER    OF    THE    LAW. 


Mr.  fl  utikle  (who  is  trying  eery  liard  to  be  a  Country  Gentleman).  "  LOOK  'EDE,  BILES,  WUY  'AVEN'T  TOD   SHIPPED  THESE?    DIDN'T  I 

TFU.  TOD   THE    'ol'NDS   WERE  COMIKG  TO-DAY?" 

liileg.  "  WHY,  THEM  's  MARTENS'  NESTS  !  " 

A/r.  II  ankle.  "  I  DON'T  CARE  WHAT  THET  ARE.    THE  MASTER  TOLD  SIE  TO  'AVE  EVERY  'OLE  ABODT  THE  PLACE  STOPPED  DP." 


TO    A    BRUSSELS    SPROUT. 

FAKKWKLL,  my  spherical  Belgian  friend  ; 
Since  everything  here  must  have  its  end, 
Since  the  world  's  a  shadow,  and  dark  at  that, 
And  is  certainly  stale  and,  I  doubt  not,  flat; 
And,  since  1  am  tired  of  eating  you, 
We  '11  part :  it 's  the  one  thing  left  to  do. 

\Vith  a  right  good  will  and  endurance  stout 
You  've  stuck  to  it  well,  my  Brussels  Sprout. 
Oh,  every  day  for  a  month  and  more 
'ion  've  wandered  in  at  the  kitchen  door, 
And  observed  to  the  cook,  "  They  pine  for  me  ; 
So  dish  me  up  for  the  family." 

The  monotonous  cook,  whom  you  spoke  so  fair, 
She  took  you  and  boiled  you  and  dished  you  there; 


And  the  butler  bore  you  elate  along, 
And  then  he  went  and  he  beat  the  gong  ; 
And  the  family  said,  when  they  saw  you  plain, 
"  Good  heavens,  it 's  Brussels  Sprouts  again !  " 

Each,  day  in  your  pride,  my  Brussels  Sprout, 

You  imagined  you  couldn't  be  done  without ; 

And  when  the  family  sat  and  fed, 

You  gave  yourself  airs  and  you  ruled  the  spread  ; 

But  when  lie  offered  you  green  and  hot, 

"  No,  thanks  "  was  all  that  the  butler  got. 

Farewell !  henceforth  you  may  stay  and  boar 
As  well  as  you  can  the  winter  air. 
You  may  stay  and  stick  to  your  lanky  stalk 
In  the  bed  that  borders  the  garden  walk, 
Or  else  you  may  go  and  be  boiled,  d'you  see? 
As  long  as  it 's  not  for  mine  or  me. 


n 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    SOCIAL    REFORMERS. 

Tkt   ten*    u  At   WUoraWwow    of    a 
t  belonging  to  •  MsCsat 
appear*  in  the  "  Soeiety 
Column"    IT**    nektnima    regularity. 
In  enairt  round  At  fre  *r»   teated 
our  old    friend*    VtamK,   BoBBffi.  and 

Cult*.  FunNE  and  CLU-OK  an  fmok- 

ing.      BOBBIE   i*   rraiiinj  «' 

K  Lanx'a  artels  in  the  "  World"  on 


Knew  it  was  all  rut  Father 
VAOGBUX.  you  know,  and  all  that. 
Hen's  faUer  crackin'  u»  up  all  round 


.n't   tell  H-,  ;/  .11  're 


1 


t    in 
ions  of  .1:1 


.:    •  „•    ' 
favour o 

- .  .:  ••  ;-••..'  •  ••        '•  • 

Freddi.   O<- 
probably  that  i*  BATTUUXE  girl.     AM 
you  know  you  did   throw  your  soup  at 
her  at  -t  night. 

W&mktlvmoUifbJ).  Ohwell 
That's    right.      Stout    fellow. 


Now,  let '*  see.  where  was  1  ?     "  Unreal 


res 


Freddie.  Soccer. 
roe  over  on  to  a 


to  this.  "  The  work  of  tl»e  Smart 

Set  has  been  thai  of  slowly  filing  from 
the  wrists  Jish  social  life  the 

fetters  of  the  vulgar  and  pompous  social 
idea*  of  an  earlier  period. ' 

Claude  Talking  of  wrists,  by  the 
wav.  how  *s  youra/F «ntt  ? 

FreMie,  Top-hole,  thanka.  Took  it 
out  of  the  aling  this  morning.  Be  able 
to  use  it  in  a  day  or  two. 

Bobbie.  M '«  see.  was  it  tobogganing 
downstairs  or  the  soccer  in  the  drawing- 
Young  Ivo«  barged 
table-full  of  china. 
Tried  to  save  the  blessed  thing,  and 
came  down  on  my  hand.  Sprained  it 
badly. 

Claude  Tell  you  what  it  is,  tliat 
feQer  oughtn't  to  be  allowed  to  play  in  u 
drawing-ronm.  He  .  h.irgw  like  a  pro. 

BMie.  Ilk  way  of  "  filing  th«  fetters," 
I  suppose. 

Fredtiie.  AH  very  well,  but  when  it 
comes  to  s  thirteen-stone  feller  putting 
his  shoulder  into  your  ribs  and  shoving. 
1m  all  for  "  the  vulgar  and  pompous 

-• .  '       •   •       :• '     • 

Clause  (meditatively).  Hum  those  dsj-s 

must  have  been !    1  don't  see  how  they 

filed  in  the  evenings  then. 

Frr-Llir    N  •  booby-traps,  what? 
Claude.  My  WOP  I,  we  ve  taught  'em 

a  lot.    We 're -what  d'you  call  'em?— 


pectability."     <>l, 

FreMie.  One  second.     \Yhere  an-  the 
cigars?      Make  a    long    arm,  CUM  t>i 
Thanka. 

\The  apfJifntwii  nf  mtitche*  to  the  cigars 
eaute*  thm-  Wxir/i  ntnl  simultniii-""* 
The  reformer*  look  at 


inuthrr  from  under  tinged  eye- 
brovt.     l-'a'int  <ui<i  tilcery  laughter 
litter*  through  thf  <l<»>r. 
All.  Rather  smart.  what? 
Bobbie  (dauiitletfly  returning  hit  recul- 
The  Smart  Bet  have  demonstrated 
that  it  U  the  best  fonii  t«>  be  natural  and 
entirely  BBaJDMesd." 


manner).  All  the  same,  1  wish  the  de- 
monstrations weren't  so  confoundedly 
painful. 

1'lnude.    (neattmring    a    mouthful    of 
tcorehed  flour).  Same  here. 


(Scene  dote*) 


THE 


VINDICATION    OF 
PRINCIPLE. 

Au.  the  world  travels  by  train. 


THE 


One 


Chap 
ataod 


Bsttw. 

'.'lie.  Martyrs,   sometimes.    Don't 

2f  wrist. 
(taking  up  hi*   paper  again). 
foe*  on.     hays  we've   made  a 
•gain**  "the  Mupid  conventions 
of  an  unreal  respertahil 

~Tt*  door  aat*l  *ile nil y,  and  a  My* 
leriou*   Hand  fling*  a  paper  bag, 
Mwieh  hit*  Cut  ic  and  burst*,  eorrr- 
ing  him  trith  four. 
Claud*  (with  em<4ion\  Hen,  I  say! 

[.:,,• 

Babbie  (apprucingly)    flood  shot  that, 
for  a  , 


half  must  have  the  window  open  and 
the  other  half  must  have  the  window 
shut.  The  former  call  the  latter  "  Frow- 
sters"  and  themselves  "  Hygienists ; ' 
the  hitter  Rill  the  former  "Fresh  Air 
Fiends"  and  themselves  "Hygienists." 

I  am  a  Hygiemst.  To  me  the  open 
window  is  an  essential  principle  (here- 
inafter called  "The  Principle").  The 
other  five  passengers  in  the  carriage  were 
Frowstcrs,  bigoted  partisans  of  Fug 
Collision  of  opinion  was  from  the  first 
inevitable,  and  declaration  of  war  was 
soon  made  by  the  Frowsier  who  sa 
nearest  to  the  corridor  He  closed  tin 


so  that  the  Frowsters  were  now  one  up 
;id  five  to  play. 

The  next  limit  was  short  and disastrOtM. 
Vhile  I  was  spluttering  and  mumliling 
laudihlc   and    unintelligible 
lolher  Frowsier  pulled  the  window   up 
:    hole    to    "  ki-<-|>    the   draught    off 
IB  poor  Kald  head."      I,  who  had  not  the 
assert    my     right-,    wc.ikly 
ermitted    it.  ami  as    nothing    MI. 
ke  success    the  window  s.«m   went    up 
ne  and  then  another  h.  !••. 

The  Frow-ters  were  now  four  up  and 
wo  to  play.  They  had  won  the  match 
nd  were  jubilant.  Hut  they  did  not 
•in  the  live-,  and  in  this  affair  it  was 
:e  l.\e  that  mattered.  "  We  think  that 
e  will  have  the  window  closed  alto- 
ether,"  they  chorused,  "if  you  do  not 
lind."  "  <  M-nllemeii."  I  ansuentl.  "I 
o  mind.  This  is  my  window.  I  tan 
live  without  fresh  air.  1  .shall  keep 
lie  window  op-Mi."  Innumerable  t' 
inch  argument.  S.HIIC  hard  names  and 
no  attempt  at  active  interference  were 
navailing.  The  window  remained 

t    the     !.•]•.      The    1 our     if  »not    the 

ictory)of  the  Principle  seemed  assured. 

The  cool  bre.  refreshing 

o  my  heated  hro\:.      1  felt    that  1   could 
fford  to  l)e  generous,  ami   handed   my 
xjpcosit    not  without  insolent  comp. 
o  the   Man    <  Ipposite  ....       For 
ime  I   wntche«l    with    amusement    the 
sxaggerated  shivering  of  the  Frow 
ill    I    l>egan   to  wonder   whether   it   was 
•xagger.ited.    whether   the    tem|H-rature 
vasnot  possibly  a  bit  low  ....      I 
,  began  to  be  thankful  that  the  window- 
was  only  open  at    the  top  ....      In  half- 
111  hour    I   thought    that    it   was   almost 
cool,  ulld   felt  that  1   should    not  make  a 
very    gr.-.it    fuss  now   if    the    Fro 

i  onha\ing  the  window  shut  alt.n 


Now,    a    Caw    years   ago    I 
shouldn't  wonder  if  a  feller  n,  . 
have  cut  up  rough  at  a  little  thii  . 
that. 

Claudt.  But,  I  aay,  look  hen ! 


door  and  all  the  available  ventilators 
on  his  side,  and  I  opened  the  wind 
and  all  the  available  \entilators  on  my 
side.  The  d  ostenta 

tiously  and  started  conversation  amonj 
themeclvn-  a  i>articu 

liard  winter.     I  remained  stolidl 
I    for   the  moment    th 

There  was  a  pause.  Tin-nth. 
resumed  with   further   and    loud,  : 
veraation  on  t!  draughts 

•'•'•',;•         •.-.-..:,;.    v-. 
.nfiil    death    resulting    therefroii 
he  said,  and  raised  tl 
window  one  h 
There  are  six  holes  in  a  window  strap 


gether  ....     Another   half  hour  p. 
mil     yew,   it    was  distinctly  cool,   much 
•..iler   than    I    thought  ....      Keally,   it 
was  positively  cold  ! 

Slowly  hut  surely  the  awful  truth 
law-mil  ii|>on  me  in  all  its  cruel  irony. 
[  was  chilled  to  the  IKHIC;  the  Principle 
would  not  allow  me  to  a.-k  the  Man 

,te  for  my  coat  ;  the  Principal 
would  not  allow  me  to  close  the  window  ; 
[  was  on  the  verge  of  free/ing,  and, 

f  all,  the  FrowMers  knew  it. 
I    gave    in.      Tin-    (old    was 
to   be    :  I    said.  "  1 

am  willing  to  yield  to  a  majority.      ^  on 

i:a\e     the    window     shut." 

"Sir,"     I     said    to     the    Man    Opi 
"although   hot    m\self.  1  can  see  that  it 
may     feel    cold     to    tho.-e     who,    unlike 
myself,    ar.  d    to    tin-    in-sh    air. 

I    will    therefore   waive   my   oi 
your   raising   the    window."  ....       In 
~pite  of  \oiir  ungrateful  •  •••nll«v- 

mi-n."  I  resumed  in  dcspuir,  "  I  will 
raise  the  window  for  you  myself."  Then 
the  long  silence  was  broken  by  a  chorus 


JANUARY  16,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


AUTHORS    ON    THE    TRAIL;     OR,    SOME    MORE    "SPECIAL    INVESTIGATORS." 

Impired  by  Sir  Arthur  Conan  Doyle's  latest  enterprise.     (See  "  The  Dally  Telegraph.") 


Wfflf 


BRITAINS  AJTHORfSS 

NOT    ALLOWED 
LEST  THE  MIDDLE.  CLASHES 
SHOULD  BE  ALTOGETHER 
SWEPT  AWAY 


THE  GiiF.ERA  MYSTERY. 

The  bashful  Mr.  11-11  C'-ne,  completely  dis- 
guised as  mi  advertisenieiil,  agent,  seta  out  to 
track  to  hia  lair  that  troublesome  individual 
who  bears  so  close  a  physical  resemblance  to 
Mr.  C'-ne  that  lie  is  interviewed  and  photo- 
graphed almost  without  cessation  (except  to 
take  foo.'l)  in  mistake  for  mir  premier  Manx 
novelist.  Mr.  C'-ne  naturally  feels  that  it  is 
wortli  a  long  and  fatiguing  search  and  a 
laborious  sifting  of  evidence  to  fathom  the 
mystery. 


TRAUIC  AFFAIR  AT  STRATFORD-ON-AVON. 
Miss  M-r-e  C-r-lli  decides  to  conduct  a 
special  personal  investigation  into  the  follow- 
ing tragic  incident  in  one  of  the  principal 
streets  of  Stratford.  An  American  tourist  of 
the  most  pronounced  type  was  recently  heard 
to  express,  in  a  moment  no  doubt  of  temporary 
insanity,  the  opinion  that  Shakspeare's  House 
was  "undoubtedly  just  the  most  int'resting 
domicile  in  that  city."  If  the  Extradition  Law 
is  found  to  cover  the  case  no  effort  will  l>e  spared 
by  Miss  C.  to  bring  the  miscreant  to  justice. 


A  SCOTCH  MURDER. 

Mr.  0-rge  B-rn-rd  Sh-w  has  just  heard  for 
the  first  time  of  a  series  of  atrocious  murders 
in  the  North  of  Scotland  by  a  family  named 
Macbeth.  Tha  commission  of  the  crime  was 
revealed  some  little  time  ago  by  a  struggling 
but  deserving  playwright,  whose  name  has 
slipped  Mr.  Sh-w's  memory,  but  Mr.  Sh-w  is 
now  on  the  trail  with  the  deadly  determination 
and  pertinacity  of  the  sleuth-hound. 


as  malicious  as  it  was  unanimous: — 
"  We  cannot  live  without  freah  air.  We 
will  have  the  window  open." 

1  shall  not  dwell  on  the  rest  of  that 
journey  at  length.  It  lasted  for  two 
hours,  and  the  memory  of  it  is  painful 
to  me.  You  must  imagine  for  yourselves 
(if  you  really  want  to  know  all  about  it) 
the  physical  pain  of  gradual  freezing, 
the  silence  in  which  my  efforts  to  per- 
suade the  Frowsters  to  ask  me  to  close 


ing,  his  condition  must  seem  compara- 
tively bright  when  contrasted  with  the 
settled  gloom  of  a  Third-class  Waiting- 
room.  "  Come,"  I  said  to  myself,  "  it  is 
not  as  bad  as  all  that.  While  there  is 
life  there  is  hope.  I  will  up  and  do. 
I  also  will  go  to  the  First-class  Refresh- 
ment Room."  I  had  been  struck  with 
an  idea. 

Through   the  glass  partition   of  the 


door  I  saw  the  Frowsters  deep  in  their 
the  window  were  received,  the  offensive-  j  cups  and  (as  would  have  been  obvious 
ness  with  which  they  snuggled  into '  to  a  less  perceptive  person  than  myself) 
their  topcoats,  and  the  particular  offen-  |  rehearsing  possibly  for  the  twentieth 
siveness  with  which  the  Man  Opposite  time  the  tale  of  my  defeat.  With  mag- 
wrapped  mil  topcoat  round  his  knees.  nilicent  audacity  I  hurled  the  door  open. 
After  what  seemed  an  eternity  th^-The  force  of  the  impact,  making  a  noise 
journey  ended.  The  Frowsters,  with  not  unlike  the  crack  of  doom,  produced 
the  ostentatious  jubilation  of  men  who  an  immediate  silence,  and,  with  all  eyes 


are    unused    to    victory,    marched    in   fixed   upon   me, 
triumphal  procession  to  the  First-class    indistinctly     nor 
Refreshment  Room.     1,  the  frozen  and 
apparently     subdued,    crept     into    the 
nearest  refuge,  which  happened   to  be 
the  Third -class   Waiting-room.      Now, 


said   (and   that   not 
without     emphasis), 
•'  Waiter,  bring  me  an  iced  drink." 

"Sir — ?"  said  the  waiter,  and  I 
thanked  my  stars  for  the  blank  expres- 
sion on  his  face.  From  that  I  knew  that 


however  depressed  a  man  may  be  feel-   the  ice  could  not  be  supplied,  and  felt 


that  I  could  now  with  immunity  insist 
on  having  it.  My  insistence  was  noisy, 
and  my  indignation  on  learning  that  my 
demand  could  not  be  satisfied  was 
thorough. 

At  first  the  Frowsters  were  nonplussed, 
as  better  men  than  they  would  have 
been,  but  surprise  quickly  gave  way  to 
blind  fury.  Fiery  of  eye  and  confused 
of  speech  they  rushed  upon  that  waiter. 
With  honeyed  words  and  curses,  with 
smiles  and  tears,  they  tried  to  compel 
him  to  produce  the  ice  which  he  said  he 
had  not  got  They  threatened  and 
bribed,  they  implored  and  abused.  I, 
feeling  that  this  was  a  fitting  climax, 
left  them  at  it,  left  them  clustered  round 
the  waiter,  while  the  Man  Opposite,  in  a 
speech  full  of  gesticulation  and  repeti- 
tion, poured  into  his  unwilling  ear  the 
tale  of  their  grievances  and  suffering. 

A  minute  afterwards  1  was  being 
served  in  the  First-class  Refreshment 
Room  on  the  other  platform  with  a  cup 
of  the  hottest  coffee  that  money  could 
procure. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAR1VAKI         -  "'< 


CHARIVARIA. 
reachea 


i-M. 

•  COnUin-    next  vn! 


t,.  1- 


• 

horrors  '«• 

American  porary.   Pertonallyweknowaemnll.til. 
lawn-  borrora  on  tbe  atage  wbo  appear  -  »- 

battle-   quite  popular.     

huge  dimension*  that   it 

pply.    minutes, 
led    that    the    Council 
might  make  a  handsome  profit  l>y 
candles  for  use  on  such  occasions. 


the  issue  of  the 


nimt  ia  going  to  hy  down  acme 
ahipa  of  awn 


••  i- 

It  »  poaaible  tbat  aome  peraona  bare 
been  wondering  why  tbe  I*nrad*e*g*l 


waa  not  station.  1  in  the  Strand.  One 
of  our  Bonthliea.  in  an  article  on  the  giant 
battleahip.  publUliea  a  drawing  • 


The    current    nuinlier    of    /'• 
no«itii.Trom  which  it  isobvkms  Mayazlnf  puhlishra  a   variety   of   X.  « 

',.Wll.m«  \\IM  HIM  - 


What   must    U-   tin-   large*)    M 
Hat    in   the   world   mad.-   its  ap]>earance 
I.,.  •    the   Theatre   de    1'Ambigtl 

further  failure  of   U  1'   '"'k   '  '"  Ivv''"'-v 


that   th<- 
was     tli.-    i 
•!irr    hand    the 
-laiitly 


\    r,.p,,- 
,l,.;l,l,  I'.MI.', 

rate   nt    which    «>• 
sing. 


that  abe  would  obstruct  tbe  traffic  there. 

The  KAMB.  it  is  stated,  will  avoid  all 
appaarance  of  taking  aid/a  in  - 
the  political  struggle  which 
ia  BOW  in   progress  between 
Socialiam  and  the  Crown.     It 
is,  bowerer.  an  eiagger 
to  say  tbat  people  are  com- 
pletely  mystified  aa  to  which 
"Iw  Munrr  favours. 


moat 


liiiR    iti-in     i!- 
who    try    to    help 


T,,    hrl|          K..«l    riots  an-    Mat.  "I   to  have    t,.k.-ii 

,,M.l.-  many  littl.-  boya  during  UM 

_  •  :it 


Meanwhile,  in  the  opinion; 
of  many  per*  in*,  the  KAI-KR 
it  marching  u>  bin  Jena.  It 
Ml  even  rumoun^l  that  in  virw 
of  pt«aihlf  erentiialitint  he  baa 
been  rvinrin^  an  immenae 
intcmt  in  Ute  Music  Hall 
of  Prince  BOKXT  i* 


Tbe  war  in  tbe  Ihit,  1, 
Indiea  baa  now  entered  on 
ita  tbirty-tourth  yrar.  nml  wr 
would  reapertfully  j-.int  out 
to  tbe  Ihn.  h  luitii.n  tltal  thi- 
COBIMM  ia  bating  longer  titan 
tbe  Boer  War. 


Once  more  baa  tbe  danger 
of  playing  with  fire-arm* 
been  eaumpli6«l.  In  a  duel 
batanen  Freocb  army  officer* 
one  baa  been  aeriouidy  injured. 


'I'he  visit  of  th.- 
India  ia  proving 
'success.  A  qiiit«- 
incident  happen"  I 
When  tea 
MIMO  roeo 


AMU:I:  ti. 
a     great 
charming 

at 

-«T\.-ii    bml 
and    h.-lj'.-'!    tl  «' 


•  ' 


:  ' 

_     • 

•dlu^Taucfa 


(After  *omt  minutr*  iite/tft mil  eliuitiing.) 
8foHt»a»  ami  DutoiU  Figurr  togttkrr.  "  WH*T  ?  " 

"I  MID,  '  H*»«-TOO— em— A— MOWH-  HoME  ?  '  " 
Pi-jurr    "I  HI.  mvii   IT  ill..   /   Kill'  1 


A  Mint  ti,  milk.     At   that   tin- 
A  WI.KII  <|iiirkly  r.  -'•  and  poured 
milk  into  bird    MiM"'-  cii].. 
Diving,    "I   will    h.-lp 
It  was  a  pretty  art  nf  cm 
none  the  leas  'graceful  1- 
Lord  MDJTO  possibly  did  not 
want  milk. 

The  report  of  the  death  of 
the  SIUH  ],nlili>hi-<l  in  Tin- 
I><iil<i  Mull  has  in  .w  l«i-n  c.m- 
finncd  by  all  our  other  paperB. 
and  the  news  has  IM-PH  cabled 
to  Persia. 


Not  a  very  gallant  way  of 
putting  it. 

\     Kin-lot,     paper     writes: 
"Major  .  w  In  i  was  married 

the  other  day    t-    Mi>s 

^uined     b.\     his     l.r.i\er\ 


the  I>.S.<).  and  the  much- 


Uona  tbat  they  are  j 

• 


•  .       :      -. 

grafting  open- 

tbat  they  are  juatifed  in  believing 
eren  beada  aeiered 
body  may  be  rrt.lacwl.    Tbe 
of  being  able,  when  one  get* 
of  one'a  bead,  to  replace  it  » nt. 
ia    certainly    alluring,  and    a 
.mgr  will  BO  doubt  aoon  be 
.»:•••"     • 


fbe  joke.  if  ci'iirae  lias  a  great  anti.|niiy  ; 
mt    it  should   come   aa  a  prrvnniully 


" 


reab  aonroeof  encouragement  t.> 
iftera  at  a  aeaaon  when  their  activities 
are  largely  discouraged  by  the  general 


One  of  the  mat  pnctiod  of  tbe  many 

mime  of  war  w  tha- 
ham  ithall  W  houard,  at 
Ben  ance 

no  tbe  nnderauutding  that  be  in 

the  Tunnel   <«    the 
outbfvtk 


Tuiael 

K.tlVv 


A  Bargain  :   Cause  and  Effect  P 

"Bn»   ANl>    I'.H'MN.;.     S.l.li.W    l.lan- 
keta,  dark  colour.  SO  in.  l.y  C.O  in.. 

/•.'.i.7i.;ii</r  HI/«/  Mmi. 


Tin:  I.int.i.  l;."-M  AM>  HOW  LM.-iiK.  ir  I-' 
I    said    when    i-he    went 
Sir  \Viu.i\w  (!n\vrllA\l  n.ni|.lrte<l  the    in  live  and   work   among   the    | ..  .  | •!••  of 
i  if     1  T'.nd    of     h.ndon    vl.e    found 


-t    year      .    _ 

-  on  tbe  4th  in-t      <  im-  n  alwmyavOO.OOO  pel     ns,  dixideil   into  families, 
planed  to  hear  of  a  •'•  Dining  living  in  one  t.  oin."     8eet  " 


t!.at  thorr    are 

i  Init   (.nly 

•  •vn    u.-ll  kn  This 

ia  mid    to    have    -lung   ihe  . 


n  /-.'i-rnim/  V'  "     fenille- 
tmi,  "  <  !in\r  led  tlio  way  to  the  entrance, 
where   his   motor  call    still  w:i, 
what    iiinllilied    lint  hlill  distrustful   and 
irritati-d."     <  >i,  10  have   met 


.    and    the    entire    cl.m    H    to    In-    niot,.r  c.di  or   two  with    just  that   kind 
d  to  endeavour  of  temper. 


JANUARY  16,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


53 


HUBBIES   AS   HOBBIES. 
(By  One  of  the  Former.) 

["One  of  the  most  interesting  and  useful 
hobbies  for  ladies  "  (says  a  writer  in  CaageU'e 
Saturday  Journal)  "  is  the  art  of  training  a 
husband,  for  it  can  be  practised  even  in  spare 
moments,  is  generally  pleasant,  and  always 
profitable.  It  is  necessary,  first  of  all,  to  catch 
the  husband,  who  is  a  rather  queer  fish  at  the 
best.  This  is  rather  more  difficult  than  it  used 
to  be  by  reason  of  his  increasing  scarcity, 
consequent  on  the  lamentable  rise  in  rent, 
rates,  and  taxes."] 

WE  live  in  an  age  of  Nature  Study, 
and  the  Collector  is  very  much,  abroad. 
He  (or  she)  sees  to  it  that  rare  animals 
and  insects  shall  speedily  be- 
come extinct,  and  thus  increase 
the  value  of  his  acquisitions. 
There  are,  in  fact,  so  many 
collectors  that  there  are  not 
enough  specimens  to  go 
round. 

Look  at  my  case,  for  in- 
stance. 

I  was  a  Rare  Specimen  ten 
years  ago  when  my  wife 
collected  me,  and  now  I'm 
rarer  still,  but  not,  I  hope, 
yet  extinct. 

So  far,  if  the  truth  must  be 
known,  I  have  not  been  made 
a  Hobby  of,  and  what  I  want 
to  find  out  is  when  the  pro- 
cess is  going  to  begin. 

Am  I  to  be  stuffed  in  spare 
moments,  and,  if  so,  what 
with  ?  I  should,  anyway, 
like  to  have  a  voice  in  the 
menu,  as  I  have  a  distinct 
objection  to  corrosive  sub- 
limate or  other  desiccatives. 

Do  I  come  under  the  Wild 
Birds  Preservation  Act,  and 
have  I  a  close  time  ?  I  should 
very  much  like  to  know.  If  I 
may  stretch  a  point,  I  find 
that  Hobbies  are  included  in 
the  ornithological  list  of  that 
enactment.  The  Natural  His- 
tory book  says  they  are  summer 


whims  to  be  humoured  and  queer  habits 
to  be  indulged  ? 

Anyhow,  here  I  am,  a  Potential  Hobby 
—and  I  only  hope  that  in  this  household 
at  least  my  priceless  qualities  and  virtues 
will  at  last  bo  recognised  ! 


"Age    cannot    wither    her." 
"GiRL  wanted,  smart,  about   71,  for 
housework." — Glasgow  Kvening  Citizen. 

Could  Nelson  enter  the  Navy  to-day  P 

A  CORRESPONDENT  writes :  The  above 
question  meets  my  eye  on  posters.  But 
what  an  easy  one !  I  understand  that 


A    GOLFER'S    NIGHTMARE. 


visitors  in  this  country,  appearing  in 
April  and  leaving  in  October — which 
would  just  suit  my  constitution.  They 
were  formerly  trained  (it  continues)  to  fly 
at  larks  and  quails,  but  now  feed  princi- 
pally on  common  dor-beetles.  To  this 
part  of  Hobby-life  I  should  demur;  but 
perhaps  I  don't  belong  to  this  branch  of 
the  animal  kingdom  at  all,  as  Cassell'g 
Saturday  Journal  states  that  I  ain  "a 
queer  fish  at  the  best." 

Am  I,  then,  destined  for  a  bowl  or  an 
aquarium?  I  have  often  been  told  I 
am  cold-blooded,  but,  on  the  whole,  I 
don't  think  I  should  be  either  pleasant 
or  profitable  in  a  watery  element. 

Or  can  it  be  that,  after  all,  I  shall  be 
classed  as  a  real  live  Home  Pet — perhaps 
even  as  a  Human  Being,  with  strange 


when  the  examiners  ask  a,  naval  candi- 
date his  name  if  it  is  a  really  good  name 
it  doesn't  matter  what  his  other  answers 
are  like.  So  that  our  national  hero 
would  only  have  to  say  his  name  was 
HORATIO  NELSON,  and  he  icould  pass  at  once. 

Told   by    a    Nose-witness. 

"  THE  only  touch  of  Orientalism  was 
lent  by  the  (AMIR'S)  camp  followers,  who 
brought  with  them  a  whiff  of  the  Central 
Asia  of  TAMERLASE." — Daily  Mail. 

"Ma.  JOHN  BURNS,"  says  The  Daily 
News,  "  is  a  man  who  gets  up  early, 
and  a  man  who  wants  to  know  the 
reason  why."  We  cannot  oblige  him : 
it  has  always  seemed  to  us  a  most 
unreasonable  habit. 


LINKS  LAW. 

RECENT  reports  of  the  high  jinks  at 
Chatsworth  have  revealed  the  interesting 
fact  that  the  local  rules  for  the  Duke 
of  DEVONSHIRE'S  private  golf  links  were 
drawn  up  by  Mr.  BAI.FOUR.  Mr.  Punch 
has  great  pleasure  in  furnishing  his 
readers  with  a  complete  and  accurate 
transcript  of  the  Codex  Arthurianua  : — 

1.  On  all    occasions    on    which    the 
Duke  of  DEVONSHIRE  is  dormy,  or  on  the 
point  of  becoming  so,  strict  silence  must 
be  observed. 

2.  Ex-Lord  Chancellors    are   not    to 

be  penalised  for  hitting  the 
ball  twice  in  or  out  of  a 
bunker. 

3.  If    a    Premier    or    ex- 
Premier  should  loft  his  ball 
into  a  tree  and  the  ball  should 
elect  to  remain  there,  beaters 
may  be  employed  to  bring  it 
down. 

4.  Should   snow  be   lying 
on  the  course  it  is  requested 
tliat,  if  the  Belgian  Minister 
is   on  the  links,  red  rubber- 
cored  balls  should  not  be  used. 

5.  If  a  Scotch  Duke  should 
"Duff"    his   drive    into   the 
Derwent    he    must    pay    his 
piper  a  bawbee  for  fetching 
it  out. 

6.  Any    Duke    who,    after 
missing  the  globe  three  times 
in  succession,  utters  no  audible 
remark,  is  to  be   allowed  a 
further  or  Grace  stroke  with- 
out penalty. 

7.  If    any  dispute   should 
arise  as  to  the  bogey  of  the 
course,  it  shall  be  referred  to 
the  decision  of  the  Committee 
of  the   Society  of    Psychical 
Research. 

8.  In    three -ball    matches, 
other  things  being  equal,  the 
odds  given  shall  vary  in  an 
inverse  ratio  with  the  social 


precedence  of  the  players. 

9.  In  mixed  foursomes  Kimonos  may 
be  worn,  but  no  singing  or  skirt-dancing 
is  allowed  on  the  tee. 

10.  When   chauffeurs    are    employed 
as  fore-caddies  it  is  requested  that,  to 
avoid  accidents,  they  should  wear  their 
leather  suits  and  goggles. 

11.  If  a  caddie  should  speak  or  whistle 
while  a  Grand  Duke  is  addressing  his 
ball,  he  shall  not  be  liable,  unless  a 
Russian    subject,    to    be    deported    to 
Siberia  or  imprisoned   in  the   fortress 
of  SS.  Peter  and  Paul. 


THOSE  LENIENT  COLONIES  ! — "  He  was 
charged  with  bigamy,  but  was  released 
as  a  first  offender." — Sydney  Morning 
Herald. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHA K 1 V A RL_ 


-I   tho 


THE    SONG    OF    SIX    SUBURBS. 
•trr  Mr.  lluJyard  Kipling.) 

'• 

outaid*  the  radio*  you  roan<, 
Wlwr*  nlmll  •  fairer  pracpcrt  meet  tk«  eyes? 
Brand-new,  like  Aphrodite  fmm  the  fun". 
The  howea  of  Briiton  1 

TOOTOO. 
Supreme  am  I.  Suhiirbia's  guiding  Mar. 

whm  I  *r«»k  let  lew  tongues  be  dumb  ; 
TV  prefix  "  Tpprr  "  ahowa  the  Am  we  are; 

Where  Tooting  beckona,  Come  ! 

BUMOMH 

r,«m  your  North-  West  PaaMge  scale  my  height*. 

mark  the  joyous  crowds  that  sport  beneath  ; 
Mr,,  ,-all  HIM  '  Happy    :  O  the  strange  ddighto, 
The  dalliance  on  my  Heath  ! 

PBCKHVW. 

1  i-.iliu  •  r. 

Au<l  like  an  old-world  idyl  life  drift*  by  . 
\VU-rr  i-U-  Mich  courtly  couples  sludl  you  meet 
A-comin'  thro'  Uie  Rye? 

CUFHAM. 

1'ni.i  my  v..ki-  i,  iv  stalwart*  meekly  U'ud  : 
Ibi  i,  the  hour*  <>f  S  ami  '.'. 

l^re  worn*  horror*  than  the  Pit  1  wnd 
Sons  of  tin-  Chat  hum  line  ! 

Bum. 

-4.  kncbWt.  eso,uiMte."  I  Rive  to  those 
Civilian  warrior*  (nun  India  rent  ; 
What  Miburb  boasU  the  dignified  repose 

Thai  clings  to  Haling,  \V.  ? 

OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr  1'uiteht  Staff  of  Learned  Clerk*.) 
Ian  BrixunRC,  undertaking  to  trrite  hia  Memoir  of  Sidney 
Herbert  (Jem  Mi'WuV.  luid  ran-  dp|>irtunity  of  adding  t<<  the 
UUMiiirr  hcnw  nf  Fiifrliih  hin<pi  1  1  -  The  Minister  at  the  War 
Oflk*  when  the  rampaign  in  th<-  Crimeft  opened  was  a  faarina- 
prmotudity.  a  Ntatemiuui  who  1..  l|i-«l  to  rule  in  blirriiiK 
I>ird  STJLVMOJO:  knew  him  and  hi»  colleague*  intimately, 
rvmU  from  the  inner  unit-  ..p.-n  to  th<-  i'rivau- 
Serrrtanr  of  the  Pmuivr.  Hurling  with  thix  advantage 
(and  othen)  be  luw  barn  handicapped  by  Uck  of  literary 
faculty.  I/ird  8TAJI11OW.  .1  heavy  writi-r. 

one  kioka  for   illuminating  characteriMtion  of  tl,.- 
••iJijr.  •  memoir  and   his   fn.-n.l-.   tin-  tiiidx  page* 

nf  dally  wnttrn  hi.tnriml  recnitl.  Amntigxt  minor  frail- 
tit*.  Lard  STAJUKMC  in  a  abve  to  the  IMC  of  that  odkraa, 
rairly  ncnwary  wont,  "which."  Macbeth  nuailed  before 
thnv  witrhea  mnrantered  on  the  Mailed  ncnth. 

m  w.«ld    have  nuked   for  one  more.      Here    is   a 
of  hk  nterpiHation.     It  'm  t»k.-n  n.i.lw.iy  in  :> 


Free  Tnd<-      Kv.-n   m.-n-  int.-r.-tm«  '- 

Aff*"***    Cabinet    tlriftiiiR     into    a     war     that     »»  m-     DnJ 

PuMaerm  desired.     Doily  to  SWXEY  HEHBI  r  for 

War  came  Rniem  ui;-  f   ''"•  hapl'-^  a-li.  n  of 

»ffnlt  rimea.     rowadthem  islike  penwingl 

of  the  S'tith  African  War  CommisKion  with  tin  it  ion 

consequent  on  an  aitack  of  nightmare.      Hampered  !••- 

.,.,..:;-.,  -          •  !.•::-  -i    -i  •!.  IM-. 

\    \\aasm  bnivcly  battled  with  the  blundi 
expedition  to  further  which,  n*  lie  forlornly  \-, 


thing  was  sent  out  except  common  sense.      It  was  <i|>.n  hi- 

i  •          . •       . i    *  i.*.    ......   v  >    .lit*  """  •  '  1 1  *i  n 


soul  incentive  that  FIOHESTK  NIOHTIIII 

to  work  wonders  in  delivering  the  sick  and  wounded  from  a 

condition  of  affairs,  due  to  maladministration  and  ineoi 

that  would  be  incredible  if  it  were  not  testified  to  by  impartial 

eye-witnesses.    Sick  or  well,  in  time  of  JHIKVOI-  in  the  trenches, 

TOMMY  ATKISB  never  had  a  truer  friend  than  SII-MY  HKKBBT. 


If  I  had  proposed  to  send  the  PRIJIK  MINI-  n  it  a  N 
Card  it  would  not  have  taken  the  -  Mr.   \V.    I'A-II. 

Woit-mu/s  account  of  Lard  Milner's  \\'nrk   'in  S-H'-' 
1S97-1902  (JoHX  Ml'RRAY).     Kor  it  reminds  n>  om-'-  n  .  r.-  that 
the  statement   "\Yhaiever   Sir    HIAKY   ('.\\IIT.I.I.I  -lUssi;; 
may  think  or  say,  the  (lennan  nation  may  think  »as 

not  only  the  expressed  opinion  of  the  /.I'liumj,  Imt 

also  represented  the  attitude  of  l'»^r-.  Americans  and 
the  world  in  general.  Mr.  Woit.-ioi.i.  proves  that  although, 
if  bird  Mll.SKlt'-  views  had  Ixrn  fortuna; 
with  the  approval  inM.-ad  of  the  condemnation  of  Sir  lll.M;\ 
CAMnBL-BtfDJBOUJr,  the  war  might  have  IM-.-II  materially 
-.liorlt-ned.no  man  on  earth.  i'lc-idcnt  KniOEB,  Could 

have   prevented   it.     "  The  only  thing  we  are  afraid  of  i 
wrote  a  prominent   HIKT  on   the  eve  of  ho>tiK  that 

('HAMIiKm-AlN,  with  his  a<lmitted  litfiilnos  of  temper,  will 
cheat  us  out  of  the  war,  and  consequently  the  opportunity  of 
annexing  the  Cap.'  Colony  and  Natal,  and  forming  the 
Kepublican  United  States  of  South  Africa."  "The 
invade  Natal'"  Kiid  a  Kadii-.il  Memli.-r;  "you  might  jnct 
as  well  talk  of  their  invading  England  !  ' 

Finally,  this  able  and  valuable'  work  clearly   proves,  what 
w  now  widely  m-ognised  outside  the  circle  of  In- 
opponents,  that    Smth   Africa  wua  not   the  grave   but   the 
crown  of  I»rd  MII.NKK'B  reputation. 

A  ]>robleni  which  haply  may  take  unawares 

Tin-  young  married  sulary-earncr. 
Is  ably  expounded  in  Darray'*  .\jT<ur.« 

(Messrs.  lii:r  I.'U.ISM  i>  Ti  i  • 

It  is  whether  the  maid  you  an-.-pt  at  the  kirk 
•  ur  j.arti  .!  and  for  woe  shall 

as  flie  can.  in  your  work, 
Or  merely  l>c  homely  and 


bnrdly."  elf. 

:  dy    Lord 


be  dtrertly  or  indinx-tlv  itilliicnced,  a 
be  tnom  or  feaa  valuable  but  vli'id, 


Is  it  either  or  neither  .T  U.th  .«hall  enrich 

lot  of  the  lienedick  lover  V 
The  hero  M-Wis  after  trial      bul  which? 
YOU  must  go  to  (lie  l»«ik  to 


von  had  acccaa  to  private  oorres- 

adda    permanent   value    t. 
W<«k.  Untal  reference*  to  PU.MKJBTO*  and 

raonai  dislike  and  d 
lireant  of  Cabinet  colleague*.     \V,. 
mngh  the  Mime  medium  to  wntrh 
not  slowly  making  up  their  mindx  U>  dorbtre  for 


1  f  I  were  nuked  to  .  tuple  of  a  distinction  without 

u  difference  1  should  name  Mrs.  |-'.u  :   l^.k.  Isllrrsi  In 

s-viiiil.  |-'.| M  i:  A  (',.    ,  and    her   tlir- 
"Ti   volumes.     There.    I    should   say.    i-  a  distinction 
without  a  difference.     The  new  l>ook  shows  lielter  than  mo.  t 
how  mni  h   latitude  is  given  to  a  successful  writer;    for  it  is 
-t  casual  !  not  always  t.»   interesting   m.-.Mer. 

Mra.  K.\niK  will.  !  nd.nnd 

v  for  it  ;  but  I  think  t-he  might  lake  a 
little  more  trouble  next  time.  There  in  a  lot  of  dust  in  her 
latest  jnr. 


JASTAKV  :>3,  1907.1 


ITNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    ('HAKIN  A  III. 


"ART    IMOUVEAU." 

«Z  Oirner  of  Xnr  Cottage.  "  I  'VF.  BEEN  \VOSDERIXO  \VHAT  CHEEPERS  TO  rut  ON  TIIE  COTTAOE.     WHICH  DO  vou  THINK  WOCI.D  BE  BEST,  Jonx  ?  " 

.1  nli ii.    "  \V|.J.I.,    SIR,   ONE    OF   THEM    YlRUINIAS   WOULD   COVER    IT  UP  QUICKEST." 


Till-:   AULD   151! K!    (T    AVI?. 
[Lord  l.'n.srr.un  lias  :ij>penle<l  for  £10,000  (o 

this    I'.iiuiMis    MriHiiiiv    from    liring    de- 

lllnlislinl     ,111    jH'POUllt.     of     its     llnsafi1    cnnilitici',1. 

'I  hr  annivrrxaiy  of  ]'>ll;\s'  liu'llnlay  is  MH  tin1 
-•>tli.  .-uiil  liis  iiiiiiiiirtiil  memory  will  In1  tiMsinl 
at  liumrnms  li:l«,'is  aml-whiskcy  frasts.  Mr. 
1'nwli'x  ailviii-  I'm-  ISrilNs'  nirlit  is  thai  liis 
wnrslu|)])rrs  slionl'l  ]>ass  ruinnl  tlir  lial  rind  let 
tlit-ir  siixpi'iirfs  ;,'!>  haiii,'  into  it.] 

Mi:\\i  I'm-  a  \«vi.  burn  an  ICarl, 
His  l.unlsiii|i.  like  ;i  jiawky  i-url, 
Has  ta'cu  tin-  spirit  1'rao  his  barr'1 

Ami  lot  il  run 
In  gmvdon  thoughts  and  words  o'  pearl, 

Wed  oilud  \vi'  fun. 

Vr  l.ritlicr  S'uts.  I'rac  I'crtli  to  IVnny  ! 
Tak'  tent  <T  drum-taps  I'rae  Ihihneiiy  ; 
('nine  ilka  .lucK.  emne  ilka  JKNNY, 

Ric-ht  blithe  and  triy. 
Row  in  your  pound,  birl  up  your  penny. 

And  save  the  Brig  ! 

Five  bonder  years,  in  foul  and  fair, 
I've  knelt  upon  the  Banks  o'  Ayr, 


Bending  my  back,  now  gashed  and  bare, 

Frae  land  to  land, 
And,  by  yon  Sun  !  five  Inuuler  mair 

I  hope  to  stand  ! 

Could  ye  but  see  the  mighty  thrang 
Hue  passed  my  cobble  stanes  alang, 
The  lads  and  lasses,  lithe  and  strang, 

The  bairns  sac  prime! 
My  fren's,  yon  M  say  I  did  sma'  wrang 

To  beg  for  lime  ! 

Lidit-s  and  I>ord.s  frae  yont  the  toun, 
Knights     wi'     chain    coats     and      iron 

shoon, 
liailies,  hae  banchled  up  and  doiin 

My  anld  sous  back  ; 
And  Princes  reested  on  my  criHin, 

To  hae  their  crack. 

Hut,  King  ainang  them  a'  by  right 
Was  he  who  on  yon  autumn  night 
Watched  the  braid  moon  her  silver  light 

Live  in  my  stream, 
The  while  he  preened  his  fancy's  flight, 

And  wove  his  dream. 


JAnd   shall  these  stanes  where    RABBIE 

stood, 

For  lack  o'  mortar,  by  the  rood  ! 
A  shapeless  mass  beneath  the  flood 

Sink  for  a'  time? 

The  King  o'  Scotland's  rhyming  brood 
Forbids  the  crime ! 

All  ye  who  warm  at  KAIIHIK'S  flame, 
Who  sing  his  sangs,  and  toast  his  name, 
The  door  step  o'  his  muse's  hame 

Ye  dallin'  ca'  me 
Hi1  his  the  sorrow,  yours  the  shame, 

If  ill  befa'  me  ! 

Hy  all  the  guid  his  sangs  hae  done, 
Hy  all  the  love  that  he  lias  won 
1'Yao  Arctic  night  to  India's  sun, 

( )\vcr  land  and  sea. 
While  greenwoods  grow  and  rivers  run, 

It  shall  na  be  ! 


LOOKING;  KOU  WORK. — "  Mother's  Help, 
age  10|,  whore  no  children."—  -Mnii- 
ehester  Guardian; 


K   -I,,,.;   [.ONDON    CHARIVARI  '"": 


GREAT  J  * 
All«ff«d    to   b*   the   Only 

WhO   haa   •* 

T    TRAM 


in 

its 


between  BUcknHan 
Waterloo  Bridgee. 
:«c«irnoji  AXD  PbtTMrr. 

jiaiiBiian  excilement  prevailed 
Fleet  Street  and  the   r>t 
Savoy  on  Saturday  night    but  on 
becoming  known  that  a  pee* 
alleged  to  have  travelled  in  one  of  the 
i/ndoii  C...int-  V...  nun 

Uruhir  Kinhnnkmrnt  Trama. 

\V.-  arc  now  in  a  p>w:  •   tuU 

paniculara  a*  to  th  '   and 

the  antecedent*  ..f  the  |«-n«-tr.it..r,  Mr. 
Aunrr  JoMtni  \Vmtrtr,  an  aauatnnt  m 
the  fir  JUO>I\IOUE».  K. 

,1  Pn.lmv  Men-hauls.  Anil.lt- 
Uinheth. 

Mr.  Woeruc,  on  bring  interviewed  l>y 
repreaentative  «rf  the  I>--d   <!«>V«TII- 
r.|.  frankly   admitted   that   he 
aware  that  the  I..C.C.   Sj«i-- 
tacubir  Vacuum   Tranw   were   only    in 
I   f.*-  (jffiriaU,  and   that   their  ns< 
by  the  piiMic  waaaeverely  diacouniged 
Hut   all    through   bia    life   he   had    -  > 
-uniiouiit  difTiculti.*,  and  at* 
aa  the   trama  begnn   running   IK 
reaolved  to  make  the  attempt.     1- 
of  preparation,  and  in  order  to  fainiliariw 
with  danger,  lie  had  once  con 
bimaelf   on  the    Tower    Ilridg< 
the  baacnlea  were  in  mm-eim'iit 
and  on  another  occasion,  on  lM-ing  toll 
u>  move  on  by  a  LC.C.  conatahle,  l«.ldl\ 
called  him  a"aham  copper."    He  hai 
alao  gone  into  atrict  training  an 
nothing  but  the  work*  of  Mr.  \\"MI.- 
far  a  fortnight    previonaly.      He    liac 
originally  thought  of  diaguiaing  himsel 
aa  a  tram  official,  but  decided  thai  ihi 
would  be  cowardly,  and  aa  a  matter  o 
fact  had  worn  bia  ordinary  dothea,  a 
lounge  enit  of  brown  vicuna,  with 
bowler  hat  and  a  dark  blue  tie. 

nrna  favoured  at  the  monx-ni  of  th 
attempt  by  a  ab'ght  fog,  and  aeiied  th 
opportunity  of    darting   on    to  a  car 
when  the  conductor  waa  talking  to  th 

•rat    without   attracting  the    att 

of  the  other  officiala  who  were 

the  car.    The  diacomfort  be  nnd< 

durii 

Backfriara  Kridge  waa  intenae;  and  t 

• 
to  the  fog.  waa  unusually  alow.     \V|.. 

the  car  alopped  be  waa  ao  cramped  th: 

• 

nerving  hiraaelf  fur  a  m; 

I        I,.,. ..If       0Ut       ,.„ 

rvahing  at  top  apeol 

•    • 


•utiian    waa  Mnrii-  ; 

|.liiin. 
II.T.    an<l 


^t 


A   REVISED 

•hat    n 

• 
•  .irs  ago.] 

when  you 

SI!. 

Your  appreciation 


UK.  \Vi.Bri.r.. 

who  ba*  Buciwdol  in  nlinn  on  un  Knilnnk- 
iin-iit  Tram,     (from  a  I'hoto.) 

s  one  of  the   lO.iKK)  tiignatnries  to  Mr 
IIAMKI.I:  IlKMi'S '.-  memorial. 

Mr.    \V»i:i'l.n,   who    is   a    modc*t.    un- 

iffe«-te<l   young  man  of  medium   height 

ml    fresh     complexion,    attributed     his 

-->  in  sonic  ]>art  to  his  |.an  i 

Us  mother  was  of  Welsh  extraction,  am 

lis  father  had  Ix-en  a  phrenologist  win 

waa  much  in  re.pieM  at  Inimp  sup|«-rs 

It     K.-ole    College.     Oxford.      Me 
niiivin»>«l    sup]>orter    of    the    Channel 
Tunnel   n-heine    and    the    aboHtion    »' 
•ompulsory  (Infk.      The   authors   tha 
iad   influeiicrd  him  HK*t   were  SVMIIX 
u.t.  Sir  OI.IM.U  bn«.t.  and  Mr.  FIIANK 
T.   lUlJJLN.   the  author   of    \\'intlb,i<j   III 
\\'lidlfr.      His    favourite    characters    ii 
real    life  were   OI.IYKK    CROMWELL    aii( 
II.UUIY  l.M  I-M:  ;  IIIH  favourite  colour  wa 
magenta ;    his    favourite    name    for    n 


fruit 

lifiv 


_ 
the  North- 


favourite 
!!••   w.is   a 


r  i  • 


VKUKHT. 

.........  ,,f 


-    ll 


r    in 


my 


tmt  chilly; 

'aiidiilly  1  invn  you  inailc  me  \vii. 

al   tin-  WiipU  \uii  iliil    in  -I  lliilire. 


•  .-illy:' 

Ah  !  lint  nu\v  with  .•.•-ta-\  1  l.-arn. 
You.  wluise  frown  irell.-.-t.-.l    urinkli-.l 
my  lirow, 
on    humour   which    y>u 


\n«l  it  even  seem*  that 
Humour  in  your  very  li|>  and  cyelir<>\v. 

Prithee,  I>\1'IIM.  l.-t  inf  then  an.  w 
S'.ircli    the    hun-au    where    1    relegate 

them. 
riiiK'iiiK  thcmv  and  ofTerin^  to  you 

ih-^pisttl,  if  it  !•<•  true. 
yon  at  last  a].prcciate  them." 

"1>AM<>X,  since  I'M    -truck  on  humour's 

vein. 
Nay.  for  ita  detection  boost  some 

Sir, 

After  reading  airefully  again 
All  your  verses.  I  mn-t  now  with  pain 


Frankly  own 


1   lind   them  silly  still, 


"Smart  Young  Reporter 
Wanli   to    U-it.-r   li.:  •   il<>  Book- 

.•     l.y    Ilnulili-     Cllln".    SlilR.- 

k-    ii|i    any    I'.-  '»    r''1" 

0  II*.     Al*'  .l.iirn.   tciiur.   Ml- 

band  mi-limn  \,-K  :  :|"T  ChnrduBtn." 

.1  iinil  .Ui/r 

THK  yoiinj;  man  WH-IIIS  to  lack  • 
tility.     Certainly    I 

ilijei-t   of   his   cxprrii  nee  as  a  full- 
li.iek,    a     lisliermau     and    a    temperance 
.    sus].icioU8. 


Ml    WuU-LK 
•t  lh»  age  of  Gvf.     ^'row  a  i 


Humour*  of  a  Contemporary. 

\\"K  cull  the  following  passages  from 
Tlir- 

"  I  tliiuk  toncliinR  and  miming  are  f 

^«ion«  th«t  nny  woman  can  acpire 

"  (liarartor  u  well  a»  ability  ii  necewary  for 

-  future." 

\\'e  have  notliing  to  KIV  against  the 
sentiment  of  these  two  remarks,  lint  we 
.;..  |  i  tlieir  a]>pearance 

under  the  heading  of  "  Buiis-Muts  of  the 

k." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. -JANUARY  23,  1907. 


=^fTTF    STARVAT.Of 


ABSIT    OMEN! 


MOTHER  HALDANE.  "  CLUCK  !     CLUCK  !     CLUCK  !  " 

MOTHER  BRODRICK  (snlffdy).  "All,  I  HATCHED  A  BROOD  OF  SIX  EVERY  BIT  AS  FINE  AS  YOURS 
-AND  WE  ALL  KNOW   WHAT  BECAME   OF  THEM." 


.IVM    \KV    I'.",,     11)07.] 


OR  THE  LONDON   CIIAIM VARI. 


THE    ALTRUISTIC    TOUCH. 

Bountiful.  "On,  DEAR  Miss  SMITH,  DO  SEND  ME  SOME  OF  TOUR  PRICELESS  UTTI.E  SKETCHES  FOR  MY  RUMMAGE  SALE  ox  THE 


MORE  EDUCATION  ACTS. 

["  In  the  little  village  of  Sonipting  there  is  being  successfully  carried 
on  the  most  remarkable  experiment  of  recent  years,  the  teaching  of 
children  by  making  them  act  their  lessons." — Daily  Paper.] 

Ar.vs !     Our  teachers  all  made  huge  mistakes 
Since  patient  dames  endeavoured  to  relate  us 

The  falile  of  King  AI.KKKD  and  the  cakes, 
Without  the  aid  of  cooking  apparatus  ; 

And,  touching  lampreys,  never  bought  a  sample, 

That  we  might  sigh  to  follow  HENRY'S  sad  example ! 

Some  few  years  later  erudite  "D.D.'s" 

Of  vinegary  aspect  would  compel  us 
To  construe  such  vivacious  words  as  these  : 

"  \niic,  cgt  bibcndum,  mini'  puittmda  tellus," 
Without  arranging  an  impromptu  "hop," 
Or  sending  for  a  single  draught  of  ginger  pop  ! 

Their  methods  were,  of  course,  absurdly  wrong; 

Some  pleasant,  harmless  gift  of  mighty  Bacchus 
Would  inculcate  the  spirit  of  the  song 

And  due  affection  for  the  genial  Flaceiis  ; 
Whilst  something  in  the  way  of  mild  saltation 
Might  help  to  stimulate  the  young  imagination. 

When  Public  Schools  adopt  this  "acting"  plan, 
We'll  see  young  Bitowx  and  HAWKINS,  JONES 
and  1  IAKKIS 

( lladly  interpreting,  as  best  they  can, 

The  meeting  of  the  goddesses  with  Paris  — 

i  Mi-  swearing  that  their  graces  made  (Knone 

Seem,  by  comparison,  distinctly  plain  and  bony.) 


With  what  delight  a  pedagogue  will  gaze 

Upon  a  class  of  satyrs  (or  bacchantes) 
All  cheerfully  endeavouring  to  raise 

A  worse  Inferno  than  the  poet  DANTE'S, 
Or  frisking  it  with  wild  and  uncouth  frolics, 
Like  merry  shepherds  in  Virgilian  bucolics. 

A  scene  or  two  from  Km.iiVs  private  life 

(To  rouse  an  interest  in  his  didactics) 
Might  show  the  sage's  estimable  wife 

Anticipating  Mrs.  Caudle's  tactics, 
The  while  lie  ponders,  disinclined  for  wrangles, 
The  dazzling  similarity  of  two  triangles. 

When  dull  and  joyless  studies  are  consigned 
To  Limbo  whilst  the  uproar  waxes  frantic, 

Ushers  will  look  thereon  with  open  mind, 

Wreathed  in  approving  smiles  not  too  pedantic  ; 

They  may,  indeed,  regard  it  as  becoming 

To  join  the  sport  themselves  and  do  a  little  mumming ! 


Astronomical  Notes. 

"  A  KEMAIIKABI.E  feature  of  the  coming  eclipse  is  the  absence 
of  Anglo-Saxon  enterprise." — Standard . 

"  A  still  more  remarkable  feature  will  be  the  absence  of  the 
sun." — Fundi. 

WASTKKI.S  are  going  pretty  strong  in  Birstall  just  now. 
According  to  The  H'n-xiuU  Xcir.t.  the  local  Cooperative  Society 
met  on  Monday  last  and  decided  that  their  sausage  machine 
be  repainted.  What  has  Tlic  Dnih/  Mail  got  to  say  to  that? 


00 

A 
111.  I 


TRAP  FOR  COUNTRY  MICE. 
MTI'S  U*tawrwoaTut  (it  toe  TO 


- 
(i   it. 


.  •: 

two,    The 


•• 

Bank  of  1 


bureau  in  the  rent  re  of   the 

ita  king  single  dn 
of  which  are  a 

here  for  a  minute  or  BO  as  many 
men   will   run    up 
;rn  with  : 

ousted  expression  . 

iudii-d  an   1 
r   it   is  the  famous  dr.. 
which  w>  many  nx-ipicni-  ica  are 

Tbelfcuikof  England  is.  ..f  coui 
rii-h    man's    Dank.     The    ordinary    man 


then,    I'MiKKI!.    why    the    du-kens 

II,  ,n  we  hav.-  made  a  mis- 

l.ikeV       I-   t'  •-  "nly  a  junior  clerk  after 
all?     <  'r  i-  it  '  :..l>aMy  a  Mind 

tn  thr  ''in  ''       l""r  t'11' 

city  is  a  very  knowing  p> 
we  will  nut  full.iw  an\  !><>•: 
(To  be  eon/inn. 


the   Bank 

,,,.1-r 

It       is 

! 
of 


England 

out  wiih 


nr 

o     millionaires.   ami  OM   UM  .  oul  Of   U. 


intent     upon   for  millionaires.   ami  OM   UM          ,in(._    i,  j8  oul  Of  pUy. 

a  H«i  in   his   innate  modesty  an.l  nmplieity  ol  many  SM,    ,,„.  raptain  of  ,  ^de. 

m*  that  dd  find,  s  .....  .-sweep. 

follow    ono,    that     h,  S,T  o,.w»-. 


r: 


thia  m  r  impreg-  a  merchant 

which   bW  won  for  the  Wk   if 


England   the   nick- 

ae  "the  Kronatadt 
of  Finance."  by  which 
it  ia  always  known  in 
thieres'  kitchens  and 
rookeries.  In  their 
cuUar  afyat,  called  back- 
•rfr*g.  in  which  strange 
tongue  they  apeak 
fluently  among  then> 
eelrea,  Kronatadt  bc- 
comea  of  coune  1 
nork.  Whenever  you 
an  two  evil  l.« -king  men 
oonverming  in  whispers 
of  the  "Tdatsnork  fo 
Konanif "  you  may  know 
that  yet  another  mid  <>n 
the  Bank  of  England 

;.         _..,.,__...., 

TbeBank  of  England 
to  the  canal  eye  may 
seem  to  be  I'uilt  »f 
ordinary  grey  atone, 
much  grimed  by  I/todon 
smoke.  But  thia  is 
wrung.  Stone  may  be 
cut  through.  Tbe atone,  then-fun-,  is.. nly 
a  veneer,  a  ruse  to  be  found  out  with 
bitter  tears  by  th- 

itarrjuai.  fret-saw  in  hand,  for  beneath 
it  are  layer*  of  Damascus  »t«-l  and  Millet 
proof  doth,  asbestos,  concrete,  and 
inflammable  paint.  Nothing  emu  pene- 
trate •  ,-|,l  l.y  Ih- 
doors.  HT.  it  i.  '  vulnerable. 


OUt    I  N TlirSTWimTHY    AHTI.ST    IN    l.'iN! 
Sernox  or  THE  DANK  or  KXGLIXO,  rioM  IXFODIATIO!!  BECKITEO. 


taken  to 

- 


ble 

adanitlrd.    while    all   the  cash 
not  only  pmccrt«l  by  a  braiw  r 

ado  with  copper  abonsa, 


•     • 
are    not 


has  only  one  lunch  in  the 
iiiiddle  ..f  th--  day.  just  like  an  ordinary 
J»TWII.  and  retunis  home  in  Imt  a 


-    • 

iin    fullow  tllin  <-ll.'. 


Alllh'ii. 


Jilrened  to  a 

I.r.    Curling,    dit     M. 

ur  le 

Curling  '      In  jeu  jxnir 

m..n 

vieta.juaqn'aqne]  ; 

.an.       !>• 

tennis?        .I'eil      raffnle. 
hi   ch.i<~-   a    1'ali.ii 
Klin  !     11  n  >  a 

•  rl.  nn  Jen,  nn 
i-M-rrice.  (puii  ?  limit  ton 
]M-tit    .ll  l.Ks    i. 
detail-    le-    pin-    ininu- 
tieux.     Figure  tin. 
ma  joie  (piaml.  le  li-iule- 
main     de     nmn    arrivi'-e 
die/.     Sir     Mi 
n  lille  ain.V,  Mi>.s   CINK 
•  line   Mmide    r 
moll      cher!;      in'invite 
a    faire    line    partie    de 
Curling   sur   le   lac   ipii 
86      tr.'iive       devalit       le 

du  chateau. 
.1'aceepte.  til  le  p. 
Men.    I'n  spi.rt  in nr 


Viiih'i  jnsleinrnt  inuii  affaire  ! 
I'ne   fois  sur   la   ^lacr.    Mi 

l.i   cailetle.   feint    le  j.icks- 
iii"  ii|..      Mi--  I  .isi   me  dit,  "  \ 


• 


Bank    clerks- 


been  adopted  as  the 


OMtl  one  to  fell  a  foot- 
rd  hymon  ye  roadde  to 


village  of  ci,.. 

_ne.    (A  murrain  on  each  knave* 
quotha.) 

.     •   ,       • 


young  he  is  ulivimi-U    • 
lie  comes  into  tlie  Itank  in  a  un-al  hurry. 
holding  his  portfolio  ill    his   ham! 
bow  rich   he  must    IN-,  f..r  this   |H.rlfoli.>. 
,i  further  from  the  pi.  k|««  k.-ts 

.  byachnin  Cl.-arly  a  mnlti- 
liiilli.niaire.  Me  says  •onething  to  the 
cWk  with  th' 

• 
.•  I. MII  f..t  •      My 

i . 
See,  he  rona  across  t  uran 

lie  d.l-h.  II. 

f.  .r  him.      \V.    f,l|,.\v.      l.i-ten   (he  mana 
ger,  all  deference,  is  BJ-  him. 


l:i   •!!     ei|lli|-.-. 


l>i'|l|i|l|e/  111"!     ci-ll'-     lx.ll 
I.  -ill.-  -ur  Ii-  tin'-."      .Ii    r.-uiiide.  ma. 

DJ     Imutcillc  III    tin'-.  in  '-He 


se  mi><| l<>  in.. i  ?    8  '       ' 

. -0111111.-  ji-  |e  le  .ll.-,   nil  jeu    |Kilir   le-  foils. 

•  mpr.-iids  rii-n.  mais  rrrrrrrien. 
Mitw  >  IIM    reprend   all  !  -   alle/. 

oommenoer." 

'•.lam.iis    de    la  vie."  .Ii- je,  en    ^.il.ml 
homnie.      •'(  ;•  \  \\ICH 

-    I.I  1:1  v\.    . lee.  .Ill ncer, 

par  exemple.  alors  c|iie  trois  (idles 
del  1 1<  ii  s. -He-  fun  |  partie  de  la  inemeennipe 
.pie  lui  !  " 

M  M.I!-  -i."  .lit   Miss 

•  Faut  oheir  a  p.      Fiehe/.  moi 

done  nil  1.  pel  '|ue  ea  eonin 

-.  di.ieilll  s'empare  de  petits  liallllH 

et  file  a  I'mitre  extremite   du   rink.       I/- 


J\M  U:Y  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


01 


jeune  TOM,  qui  fait  le  premier  coup  pour 
son  camp.  Junre  aa  pierre.  £a  glisse,  ca 
glisse,  et  pnis  ra  s'arrete.  A  moi  le 
coup.  Jo  prends  ma  pierre.  Sapristi ! 
q  u  Vile  cst.  lonrde!  Je  la  lance.  C,a 
gli.^se  ct  ca  glisse.  mais  Iciitenu'iit,  len- 
te  nicMt  ;  cl  puis,  ca  s'iirri'te  aussi. 

"  Vons  etfs  mi  hog,"  (lit  le  jeune  TOM, 
qni  lie  ccssc  pas  de  ricaner. 

Hog?  Qu'est-ce  que  c'est  que  hog? 
De  ma  poche  je  sors  ce  petit  coquin  do 
l'.i:i  i  \O\VKS.  j'y  rcgarde.  '  Hog  '  signi- 
lic  '  eochon,'  noin  d'linc  pipe  ! 

"All!  All!"  je  crie.  "  Un  cod ? 

MuiV  lion,  inon  drole!  Ah!  C'est 

conn ;a  quc  parlcnt  Ics  gardens 

KmssaisV"  ....  Et  pan  !  jelui  flanqne 
un  lion,  mais  mi  liicn  lion,  inon  petit. 

Tons  si1  preeipitent,  CM  hrandissant 
Icurs  lialais.  On  eric.  On  rit.  Miss 
(!ixi:  me  fait  iiarfaitoincnt,  c(ini|irondro 
la  elms,.,  l.c  p:ni\re  gareon  s'est  scrvi 
d'linc  dcs  ])lirascs  imlieciles  de  ce  sport 
dc  Ions.  'Hog'  vent  (lire  que  .  .  .  on 
pliit'il  qne  .  .  .  enlin,  n'importe.  Tout 
s'explique,  et  moi,  je  fais  inille  excuses. 
TOM  ne  me  garde  pas  rancune  et  le  jeu 
recommence. 

Knmiv  une  fois  je  lance  ma  pierre : 
nn  con])  epalant.  II  est  d'une  telle 
jnstcsse,  (I'nne  telle  vigueur,  que  la  pierre 
rase  la  glace  comme  unehirondelle.atteint 
un  vienx  a.  cotelettes  rouges,  Ini  fait 
fa  ire  nn  saut  de  carpe,  et  le  voila  qni  se 
liclic  par  teiTe  avee  un  cri  epouvantable. 

Cris.     Hires.     Excuses.    C'est  rasant. 

Mi-si  IIXF. mcdonnennhalai.  "Naow," 
me  dit-clle,  "  vons  allez  sooper." 

"Dame!  "  lni  dis-je,  "a  quelle  henre 
(lille/.-vous,  Mesdeinoisclles,  si  VOU8 
soiipe/  a  oir/e  lieures  moins  le  quart?" 
Hires.  Explications.  C'est  fastidieux. 
'Siop,'  parait-il,  veut  dire  '  balayer.' 
Mais  le  mot  ne  se  trouve  pas  dans 
BELUVOWKS.  Est-ce  done  du  patois? 
Comment  le  saurais-je?  Qnel  jeu  de 

foils  ! 

M  iss  GINE  me  dit  alors  :  "  M.  LEiiLtNT, 
vous  save/  ipie  je  suis  votre  skeep." 
[>'?  En  BKIJAOWKS  case  traduit 
'sanier.'  ("est  incoiiceval ile,  mais  nous 
join. us  an  Curling,  s'pas?)  "Faut 
laiiv  attention,"  poursuit-elle,  "a  tout 
ce  qne  je  vous.  dis.  Vous  allez  obeir  a 
mes  niiiindivs  onlres.  Qnand  je  crierai 
'  soop,'  balayez-moi  la  glace  de  votre 
iiiienx-." 

I  "ne  jeune  personne  lance  sa  pierre. 
Ca  glisse.  Ca  gli-i-i -»e. 

'Soop,"  crie  Miss  GIXE.    Et  je  soope. 

"Stoppez,"  crie  Miss  GINE.  Et  je 
m'arrete. 

1'uis,  "Sit  down.  Sit  down."  crie 
Miss  (!INK.  Et  moi,  qni  obeis  militaire- 
ment,  je  m'assieds — flan  !  sur  la  pierre. 

<v'ne  ca  me  fait  mal !  Et  erne : 
qu'anive-t-il  a  inon  pantalon  gris  fonei' ''. 
Perdu,  inon  panvre  ami,  perdu  absolu- 
nient.  Et,  nat-nr-el-le-ment,  je  me  suis 
encore  trompe.  C'est  la  pierre  qui  doit 


Charwoman  (mending  carpet).  "  I  KKVER  TIIOCOHT   AS   'ow   I   SHOULD   COME  TO   THIS,   MCM. 

ME   THAT  WAS  THAT  WELL   EDD1CATED   THAT  AFORE    I   WAS    MARRIED  I   COULDN'T   EVEN   MAKE  A    BEEF 
PUDDEN  !  " 


s  asseoir.  Comment  doit-elle  s'asseoir, 
la  pierre?  Je  n'en  sais  rien.  Ridicule, 
s'  pas  ?  Et  des  rires  encore,  des  cris, 
iles  maledictions,  des  explications,  des 

e\rllsi  s. 

Eli  ben !  C'est  trop  fort,  et  je 
m'enfnis. 

Flute  pour  le  Curling  !  Un  jeu  idiot. 
Un  jeu  pour  les  fous.  Moi,  j'en  ai  soupe. 


More  Commercial  Candour. 
"LoT7. — 789  Very  Handsome  Washing 
Embroidered  Silk  Blouse  Pieces,  worth 
•is,  lid.  each,  for  Is.  11|<7.     These  can- 
not  last   long   at   the  price." — Glasgow 
'    Sale  List. 


A  Chip  of  the  old  (Horse)  Block. 

A  SMALL  boy  of  live,  brought  up  in  a 
very  horsey  atmosphere,  was  the  other 
day  alone  with  his  sister  when  she 
fainted.  He  was  found  a  few  minutes 
later,  by  his  father,  sitting  gravely  and 
conscientiously  on  her  head. 

THE  next  Exhibition  at  Earl's  Court 
is  to  be  devoted  to  the  Balkan  States ; 
and  it  is  an  open  secret  that  one  of  the 
most  novel  features  of  the  show  will  be 
a  Water  Chute— a  form  of  sport  peculiar 
to  the  inhabitants  of  this  picturesque 
and  mountainous  district. 


Answer  to  Correspondent. 

"]>U'TATOH."  —  No,  you  are  wrong 
about  {'iiniilinr  hixt.  It  was  DOIIK,  not 
MII.TOX,  -who  did  the  illustrations.  The 
latter  supplied  the  letter-press. 


OUR  daily  press  is  full  of  valuable 
information.  Take  this  from  the  Tele- 
fjrui>h.  It  was  probably  cabled  at  enor- 
mous expense. 

"After  n  night  of  pitiless  rain  and  cold,  the 
nav:il  review  was  held  iu  glorious  weather, 
lasting  just  till  it  ended.  ' 


THE    SECOND    EXTRA. 

I 

•  might  be  something  dull— 
I 
Knowing  that  U  not  want  the  thing 

mention  it: 
Hour  AMAsmia,  will  you  pleoae  be  mine? 

.VM  at  a  (Lira-.  >K": 

sundry  miles  and  bows  from  me, 
i  other  rather  weary  smiles  from  \ 
n  Decenary  calculnt 

•.tr.i. 
A  i  itl  nude  nn  amignatkm  for  tin-  - 

oirner  hen-.'  y«m  K.id  : 

Hul  when  llio  dance  cmmc  numd  we  both  v 

i-t.-.id  l»  'ill 

eh  proliahly  was  just  as  well  fur  \ 
n.  juM  as  well  for  i 
I   lint  what  about  I  can't  i.-m.-ml» 

i  yi.ii  were  r.itlii-r  keen  on  golf; 
That  i  •  T  U^eii  to  Switzerland  ; 

,.f  n-,  thought  well  of  HKHN  MID  SHAW. 
,ke«l  ;  lint  all  tin-  lime  I  looked  nl  yon. 
An«!  i  much  what  inspiration  led 

t..  tilt  ;it  just  tlial  j-crfect  an. 
Ami  wondered  how  on  earth  you  ilitl  your  hair; 
Au'l  why  your  eym  wen-  blue.  when  it  wax  black  ; 
And  why     a  hundred  other  different  things. 
I'ntil  at  List.  another  dance  Ix'jfinniiiK. 
i.'ly  ;   whcreu|H.n  1  went 
Kirk  lii  I  he  sii|  |~  i  run.  and  till-  1  a  glass, 
Imnk.  and  lit  ••.  and  signed, 

isked  the  waiter  Had  he  U-eu  in  I 
And  told  llie  waiter.  Y<s«,  I  urn  in  love; 
And  gave  him  lwo|ionce,  and  went  home  to  Intl. 

Am  I  in  love?     Well  no.  I  hardly  think  no. 

Hi  li  tin  happx  as  1  am  ; 
•wo.  I  (tliall  f  nmrruw  ; 

1  1  unit  your  friend-. 

'Ill-  danced  with      bounders.  all  of  them. 

f.Mir  and  li\e  and  -iv  and  all  the  i 
.  f.nrlv  -iiiv  we  -li.dl  n    i  meet  attain. 
Nut  lii  it    1  in.  lid        N 

ry  much  t  ••  happy  an  I  am. 
IWidca,  I  shall  fiurgvt  you  by  to-murrow. 

TUw  why  lhu«  l«-tler?     \Vi-ll.  Uv,.  incid.-nm 

i-  \ou  liave  them  l«.lh. 
in  my  i  -iitn  last  week, 

.  4  of  you, 
mny  tilings, 
tobacco  — 


••  \<-\  in--  to  ii 

ii.  tli  ii  - 


.iltngrther.  lint 
••»,  football,  di 
>t«  suddenly  tin*  thought  tmirred  to  me: 

I  nifth  1  had  a  little  dog, 
A  terrier,  an 
I  wonder  if  the  landlord  would  ohji- 

bjDJ 
•  itanff.     Ii  ,rci|, 

••  hiiiiilil. 
1  wouUl  liavc  )v 


. 


pro 


.1  I,,  Heaven. 

enly  I 

,/i   it   were  the  Spring !  ' 

*  *  * 

•T  my  eh. 

for  one  moi neii t  \»u  up--'  ".••  si 
Disturbed  my  usual  calm  serenity, 
ti..t  in  ni>   he-ad,  and  -el  me  \ainly 

\prii.  and  the  omntry.  and  one  other 
Hut  that  is  over.     1  am  whole  again. 

'     1  -hall  ii.'t  send  this  i- 
1  find  1  ha\e  forgotten  you  already. 


NATURE    STUDIES. 

Tin;  I-AIII  MI.I.  SuiTr.it. 

Till    hero  of  thi*  M-ry  r-li«ht   story  i-  a  do.;,  who- 
I  imiimsi-  to  nmnnemoraie  for  the  admiration  of  UIOM  who, 
walking   ""    two    f.-'t.   are    not    t,..    proud    to    profiJ     DJ    UW 
,,!,.   ,,f   the    fonr  f.-l.-l    t.iil  «  HO*   and 

friends.  The  Mip|HT.  as  yon  will  mv.  ifl  a  mere  incident,  an 
incident  more  ,«-rmanent.  I  iv-n-l  to  say,  than  the  ILTO.  but 
i,..t  on  that  account  to  lie  unduly  e\all.-d. 

The  name  of  this  d..«  was  /,'.../,  and  he  was  a  UbndOf 
retriever  of  the  true  luved,  Indky  in  body  and  something 
short  in  the  le«s.  Mis  OOal  was  of  a  pure  black,  its  short 
hairs  Win-  so  clo-ely  and  smOOtUy  laid  tOgetha  that  it 
ne.1  in  the  sun.  His  hid.-  was  v.-ry  looeely  adjusted  to 
l,i^  ],,  ;.  foa  could  lift  it,  so  to  speak,  in  pr.at  bsndfnb 

without  causing  him  the  least  inconveni.-iuv.  Hi-  tail  wa- 
an  implement  of  great  strength  and  thickness,  nobly  adapted 
to  iterfonn  the  functions  of  a  rudder  when,  as  often  happened, 
lie  plunged  into  the  water  to  BXerciae  the  oaiBge  of  IMS] 
His  head  was  even  smoother  than  his  liack,  and  it  was 
adorned  hy  two  brown  eyes  through  which  love  and  loyalty 
-hone  el,»i'uently  ii|«m  his  friends.  When  he  -at  down  in 
his  favourite  attitude  with  his  head  liftiil  and  a  little  thrown 
Iwck,  the  shortness  of  those  sturdy  forelegs  of  his  xave  him 
the  ap]K-aranee  of  a  -eal.  Indeed.  1  aui  now  -ure  that  if  we 
able  to  trace  hack  their  genealogies  we  should  tiud  that 
aeols  and  hiliradnr  do^s  possessed  a  c..nim.ni  ancestor  in  an 
age  indetinitely  remote.  1  saw  n  seal  the  other  day  in  a 
Midland  town,  of  all  plaiv*  in  the  world,  and  when.  Bitting 
awkwardly  on  the  lid  of  its  wmxlen  tank  of  water,  it  shook 
hands  with  its  owner,  and  then,  in  an  access  of  clumsy 
affection,  threw  back  itfl  hon.-t  head  and  ki-.-d  him.  I  was 
,lily  rcmind.-d  of  ll<i>/  and  other  Lsbndon  WDOSB  1 
Itave  known. 

&)  much  for  the  outward  seeming  of  my  dog       toi  ui 

.|ualiti«-s  of  heart  and   brain  let  these  few  words  siillice  :      He 

wssalw.i\s  affivtionaie  and  joyon-.     N-  rebuff  ever  changed 

his  love,  and  no  diwipixiintment  e\er  CM)  a  shadow  of  gjoam 

on  his  |H-rf.vt  K.KH!  humour,      llewa-a  friend  to  all  the  Other 

,  to  the   jealous  old    spaniel  who  growled   down  UU 

rhii-rful  n  With  his  human  friends  his  life  WM  OM 

I  of  faithful  kindness  and  indefatigable  tail  wagging. 

.M.IU  ..f  «reat  natural  gifts  improved  1>\  careful 

N.,  .-lalM.i-.ite  trainiiiK  had  I  !'"'_  him  ; 

he  deemed   to  know   by   intuition   that    no   scurry  of   fur   or 

flutter  of    feather   n. list   di-lurh    him    from    the    heel    of    his 

r  till  the  wrd  was  «iv.-u.      He  was  a  H<*<A  and  hii.-i. 

like  backer,  excellently  equipped  with  a  uo-e  of  hi«h  quality. 

Hi-  U  r  left  a  mark  on   the  hird  which,  with  an  air  of 

•    hack  to  his  master'.-  hand. 
.  the  incident  of  (lie  slipper,  but  lifst  I  must 
ne    iiii]Kirtaiice    In  a  dotf.      '1  lie 

Immaii  fi.ree  of  !  •   '   this 

Labrador  from  the  canuie  habit  of  burying  in  the  .-arth  the 

for  which,   having   picked    them   clean,  he   had   at  the 

I   have  one 


.1  V\T.U;Y  23,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


03 


F.xlmct  from  Ethel's  correnpondence. — "WE'VE    BEEN    HAVING   NO    END    OF    EXCITEMENT    LATELY.     THE    OTHER   MORNING   WE    FOUND 
MYSTI:HKIUS  FOOTPRINTS  is  THE  SNOW  ALL  ROUND  THE  HOUSE,  THE  WEIRD  THING  BEING  THAT  THEY  WERE  THE  TRACKS  OF  BAKE  FEET.     IT  WAS 

QUITE  THRILLING  !  l.'xci.E,  WHO  IS  A  J.P.,  FEI.T  IT  WAS  TBE  TIME  OF  HIS  LIFE,  AND  HAD  THE  LOCAL  CRUSHERS  IN  BEFORE  WE  COULD  THINK, 
AND  HIS  LANGUAGE  WHEN  1IF,  FOUND  IIF,  COULDN'T  GET  SHERLOCK  HoLilBS  AT  THE  LIBRARY  WAS  BEYOND  MY  POWERS  OF  DESCRIPTION.  I  REALLY 
DON'T  KNOW  WHAT  WOULD  HAVE  IIAI'I'KNKI)  IF  THE  UNIIF.R-HOUSEMAID  HADN'T  CONFESSED  THAT "  (See  next  page.) 


method.  They  carry  their  bone  in  a  furtive  and  almost 
guilty  fashion  to  the  selected  spot,  scrape  a  hole  with  their 
I'orepaws,  deposit  the  bone  in  the  hole,  and  then,  apparently 
forgetful  of  their  paws,  push  back  the  earth  with  their  foolish 
noses  until  the  hone  is  covered.'  Having  done  this  they  let 
the  whole  afl'air  fade  from  their  memories. 

Jt'iiifx  sleeping  place  was  my  dressing-room.  There  he 
passed  the  night, a  hypothetical  terror  to  any  possible  burglar. 
To  fill  his  mind  witli  a  sense  of  responsibility  it  was  usual  to 
commit  to  his  special  guardianship  a  pair  of  slippers  placed 
beside  him  on  the  Hour.  "  Your  slippers,  /An/,"  his  master 
would  say  to  him  ;  "  look  after  them  Well."  And  lint/,  who, 
I  think,  thoroughly  understood  this  simple  jest,  would  blink 
an  observant  eye,  place  a  protecting  paw  over  the  slippers, 
wag  an  appreciative  tail  and  compose  himself  to  sleep.  On  a 
certain  morning,  however,  some  tour  years  ago,  I  could  iind 
but  one  slipper  where  I  had  left  two.  Search  and  enquiries 
were  of  no  avail.  The  right-foot  slipper  was  irrecoverably 
lost.  The  fact  that  on  that  same  morning  Ray  came  in  to 
breakfast  wit li  a  little  pyramid  of  fresh  earth  upon  his  nose 
did  not  stimulate  investigation  or  turn  our  minds  to  the 
discovery  of  the  abstractor.  The  slipper  was  gone,  and  there 
was  an  end  on't. 

The  years  went  on.  The  faithful,  loving  heart  of  llnij 
ceased  to  beat,  and  he  was  laid  to  rest  in  a  favourite  corner 
close  by  the  children's  garden  and  within  easy  hail  of  the 
hutch  of  the  white  rabbits  to  whom  he  had  often  devoted 


some  well-meant  but  embarrassing  attentions.  His  memory 
was  enshrined  in  the  breasts  of  his  family.  The  slipper  was 
entirely  forgotten.  Yesterday,  however,  eighteen  months 
after  If  ay's  death,  it  appeared  again,  for  a  gardener  who 
was  digging  turned  it  up  from  the  earth  and  brought  it  once 
more  to  the  light  of  day  from  its  four  years'  interment. 

The  mystery  was  now  clear.  The  dog's  devotion  to  his 
trust  had  wrought  in  his  mind  a  temporary  confusion  between 
slippers  that  he  was  set  to  guard  and  bones  that  he  was 
accustomed  to  gnaw.  Desiring  to  save  the  precious  object 
for  another  day  and  to  make  sure  of  it  he  had  carried  away 
the  slipper  and  buried  it  as  he  would  have  buried  a  bone. 
It  is  proposed  to  re-inter  it  at  the  foot  of  his  grave. 


WRITIXO  in  reference  to  certain  ancestors  of  Mrs.  LAXOTRY 
who  figure  in  the  Bayeux  Tapestry,  the  London  Correspondent 
of  The  Western  Mail  says  : 

"  Her  grrat-gramlinother  is  shown  in  full  flight,  carrying  in  her  arms 
the  child  which  was  her  grandmother." 

That 's  the  sort  of  family  they  were. 

AN  inhabitant  of  Vienna  had  been  condemned  to  48  hours' 
imprisonment  and  24  hours'  fast  for  addressing  a  telephone 
opcratrix  as  "a  forward  minx."  He  would  not  have  said 
this  over  here.  What  is  so  objectionable  in  the  British 
genus  is  its  backwardness  in  responding  to  one's  appeals. 


. 


PUNCH,   OB   THE   LONDON    ni\i:iVARI.  [J^m  23.  1907. 


* MIE  HAD  MO  TtTt*0  A  CTM   FO1  CHII.BLAIM !  "      (Set  pntioiU  page.) 


A    NK\V  -i:   TKI.KPATIIY. 

A  HiBNiMiHiv  gentleman  having 
wriiu-n  t«>  Thf  I  liily  Moil  describing 
how  be  bad  dreamt  of  an  incident  in 
M  —  's  latent  nmel  at  the 

when  bin  wife  waa  reading  it. 
cmreapondenta  have  cummuni- 
Mti.ibr  experience*  to  Mr.  Ptnak. 
He  ba*.  however,  only  space  to  print  the 
loOowi 
Sin,    The  foil  .wing  remarkable  inci- 


Here  am  I  just  rending  that  most  thrilling 
about    the    sulphur  ' 


mnes 


. 
umu-ly  ]..•..].!.•  ami  lead  a  simple  lif<- 


at    my 


residence 
baa 


hat 


QMt 

My  wife  has  been  ill 
fur  wane  time,  but  in  now  rapidly 
recovering,  her  convalescence  having 
been  accelerated  with  extraordinary 
•peed  by  the  perusal  of  Mr.  Htn. 
CMMC'S  magnificent  novel,  Thr  Hand- 
man,  which  aba  waa  reading  aloud 
while  I  waa  tranquilly  snoring  in  an 
adjoining  armrh  .ir  I  moat  have  been 
asleep  for  fully  two  boars  when 


ersonally  I  i-annot  nuikfoiit  tlii*  s 
at   all.      My  wifr  and 


I  are 


up.  awakened 


•oddmly  jumped 

rnagiiwd  that  I  waa 
rlvl    in 
chanting  a  weird 


strange  attire  and 
on  the  • 


wean-  l*>tli  chronic  vegetarians --in 

least  pretentioussuburbeof  Kidder- 
minster. Is  this  metempsychosis  or 
mental  hy|K-rtrophy  or  what?  1  am 
incompetent  to  judge,  and  ha\e  written 
to  Mr.  Ht.iM.U.VNN  and  Sir  Ot.lVKH  1 
failing  them  jn-rhajw  one  of  your  reader* 
could  throw  light  on  the  mihjivt. 

P.  N.  HllJtfBT. 
"  Tlif  .ViMdirfium*," 
I'ariijal  /?*«•/,  EidaWlMtMittr. 

DKJUI  8«,— Well  knowing  your  deep 
-t  in  all  psychic  ]>heiionien:i.  1 
make  bold  to  communicate  to  you  the 
following  remarkahle  incident.  My  aunt 
who  baa  recently  been  pufferin^  fmm 
iiitluetiza,  was  reading  Mr.  THEODORE 
\\'ATt!»-Dr>rTO*'8 greet  vnxkAylicin  in  th« 
breakfast  parlour  »f  our  bouse,  a  semi 
detached  suburban  villa,  last  \ 


of  apagBriti  u>  the  aooonpaniof 

lien  aoddenly  I  waa 
»ei««l  by  an  unam  loe  and  thnurtdown 
a  derp  pit  where,  then  waa  a  most 
•nfcokting  amell  of  nulphnr,  and  I  waa 

my  wife  abe  exckun. 


•Aim  so  fascinated  hy  tin 
narrative  that  her  trm]>cralure  n»u- 
alarming  I 
take  a  large  done  of  .n,- 

it  tiirini 

•    it  wliile  she  was  in  t 
•tele  I  waa  waiting 

id     that     my    aunt 

i-  Mil  I .  ami   t; 


was  born  in  Bonier  I-  this  a 

i  n  km  of  souls,  or  what?     Perha; 
f  your   reader*   will    lx-  a  Me   t"   throw 
ightonau   experience  which   is  all   the 
more  remarkaMe  when  1  s.iy  that  neither 
nnr  my  aunt  an-  acquainted  with  Mr. 
^\IK~  l»oic;i.vs.  hut  are  simple  Miluirhan 
<>lk   who  do   not   dress   for  dinner   and 
lave  never  seen  the  X\v 

'met,"  Kn.l.I'i 

K.  -/i  /•.'»</. 

1";  MI    Silt.     Li>t     'I'liiii-Mlay     ni«ht    1 
was  dozing  in  the  liillianl-room  of  my 
louse    when    1    Middenly  dreami-«l    that 
[was  li»)kiii>;out  of  a  t'olliw   Window 
.n   a    niimlMT   of    Kton    Ixrys   who    were 
reading  the  lift-  of  WAI.II.II    I'ui.i:  on  a 
Hill  of  Trouhlf.     On  my  recounting  the 
incident  to  my   wife  hhortly  afterwards 
•..•laimol.   "How   strangi'!    At  thai 
\.  iv    .....  ini-iit    I    wa-  I    in    trim- 

ming iny  Ili-n^on  Lini|p."  1  OOgnt  to 
add  that  I  have  never  IH-.MI  at.  either 
I'liiver-ity.  and  that  my  wife  and  I  are 
••i  m  pie  homely  folk  without  any  pi 

i,  n,  ic  i-ultiin-.      Ki;M.-r  IMsdiis. 

••.W.irin./,'1  ttriuiiKS'in----  /•'••.!./, 


"  Thi«  U  to  make  an  a»*  of  me." 

-iimmrr  \ij;/i/'»  Itream,  Act  3,  -Se.  1. 

"Tiiv:  F-irl  of   SI.IJ»IIINK  to-day  took 
•.  ernor  and  Qjmmander- 

in-Chief     of     the     '1  'ran*\aal."— 

Herald. 


ITXCII,   Oil  Till-:  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  23,  1907. 


NO  PEACE  FOR  THE  WILLING. 

SIR  BIRRELL.  "  MY  LIEGE,  I  AM  RETURNED  FROM  MY  FORLORN  QUEST !  " 

KING  BAKKERMAN.   "WELL,  JUST  HAVE  A  WASH  AND  BRUSH  UP,  AND  THEN  I  WANT  YOU  TO 
START  OFF  TO  IRELAND  ON  ANOTHER.     WE'RE  RATHER  SHORT  OF  CHAMPIONS  JUST  NOW." 


JANUARY  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


C7 


CHARIVARIA. 

Tin-  Daily  Chronicle  is  asking.  "What 
has  London,  got  in  return  for  tin-  increase 
in  its  rates  of  one  farthing  in  the  pound?" 
Our  contemporary  sets  forth  a  long  list 
of  answers  to  this  question,  including 
line  1  leaded  "Lunacy." 

"Tin-  IK  ill  taken  by  the  Incorporated 

l«iw  Society  has  resulted  in  favour  of  a 
committee  being  appointed  to  consider 
rules  for  the  keeping  of  accounts  by 
solicitors."  There  is  no  doubt  that 
clients  are  strongly  in  favour  of  solicitors 
keeping  their  accounts  in-lead  of  send- 
ing them  in  for  payment. 


The  details  of  the  opening  ceremony 
at  the  new  Old  Bailey  are  now  being 
arranged,  and  there  is  again  a  persistent 
rumour  current,  in  Netting  Dale  that  a 
number  of  our  leading  burglars  will  be 
knighted  on  that  occasion.  Should  these 
hopes  be  dashed  to  the  ground,  we  fear 
that  an  ugly  outbreak  of  crime  will 


"  Two  tortoiseshell  butterflies,"  says 
a  contemporary,  "  were  captured  at 
Bishops  Stortford  yesterday."  Our  con- 
temporary does  not  tell  ua  what  the 
miscreants  had  been  up  to. 

The  Field  Army,  as  proposed  by  Mr. 
HAIJUXK,  will  comprise  a  Wireless 
Telegraph  Company.  This  will  be  an 
innovation  —  though,  of  course,  even  in 
ilie  lioer  War,  we  already  had  Horseless 
Cavalry  Regiments. 


The  gentleman  who  accused  the 
Admiralty  of  playing  thicks  and  drakes 
with  the  Fleet  was  actually  paying  that 
boily  a  compliment.  The  Dml-c  has 
just  been  congratulated  by  the  KINO 
on  her  excellent  gunnery  returns. 

Mr.  HALT,  CAI.XE  must  really  look  out. 
There  are  rivals  in  the  field.  \Ve  extract 
the  following  from  the  preliminary 
announcement  of  a  tale  by  Mr.  LE  QuEUX 
which  is  to  appear  in  The  Illustrated 
Mail:  "We  can  honestly  say  it  is  the 
best  story  that,  has  ever  appeared  in 
our  pages.  We  have  Mr.  LE  QUEUX'S 
permission  to  say  so." 

The  Metropolitan  Mayors'  Association 
has  drawn  up  a  Code  of  Etiquette,  and 
it  is  proposed  that  Robes,  Chains,  and 
Badges  shall  lie  worn  at  public  functions 
at  which  Royalty  is  present,  but,  on 
most  other  occasions,  only  Chains  and 
Badges,  however  inclement  the  weather 
may  he. 

Since  the  fact  has  been  published  that 
the  coachman  of  the  Lord  Mayor  of 
LIVERPOOL  wears  a  livery  which  cost  £40, 


THE    PURSUIT    OF    KNOWLEDGE. 

Importunate  TMdij  (tc/io  han  been  subjecting  the  M.F.II.  to  a  running  fire  of  question*. ).  "  Is 

THE  SKIN   OF   THE   FoX   ANY   USE?" 

M.F.H.   "YES."  TMdlJ.    "WHAT   FOB?" 

M.F.II.    "  FOR   KEEPING   THE   FOX   WARM,   OF   COURSE  !  " 


that  functionary,  it  is  said,  goes  about 
in  constant  fear  of  being  stolen. 

Two  public-houses  suddenly  collapsed 
in  Limerick  last  week,  falling  with  a 
crash  to  the  ground.  It  is  supposed 
that  they  were  overloaded  with  drink. 

SCHOOL  MEALS 

ACT  AT  WORK 

said  a  newspaper  placard  the  other  day. 
Indigestion  ? 

A  testimonial  from  a  number  of 
grateful  little  admirers  is,  we  hear,  in 
preparation  for  presentation  to  Professor 
HALLIBURTOX,  who  suggested  in  a  lecture 
at  the  Institute  of  Hygiene  on  "  The 
Diet  of  To-day  "  that  over-eating  con- 
trasts favourably  with  under-eating. 

To  commemorate  the  visit  of  the 
South  African  team  to  England  a  fund 
is  being  raised  to  endow  beds  in  hospitals, 
and  it  is  proposed  that  they  shall  be 
reserved  for  the  use  of  football  referees. 


America  manufactured   38,000  motor- 
cars last  year,  but  they  killed  only  131 


persons.      We    look    for    things  on    a 
larger  scale  than  this  from  America. 

"  Return  of  herrings  exported  from 
Yarmouth  "  was  the  title  of  a  paragraph 
in  a  contemporary  last  week.  The 
homing  instinct  of  some  animals  is 
wonderful. 

It  is  denied  that,  as  a  compliment 
to  the  Suffragettes,  the  name  of  Park- 
hurst  Prison  is  about  to  be  changed 
to  Pankhurst  Prison. 


One  of  the  duties  of  the  City  Sword- 
bearer,  it  is  stated,  is  to  keep  the  LORD 
MAYOR  reminded  of  the  banquets  which 
he  has  to  attend.  The  fact  that  this 
functionary  has  to  be  armed  with  a 
sword  bears  eloquent  testimony  to  the 
fact  that  even  a  Civic  dignitary  revolts, 
at  times,  against  over-feeding. 

"  Two  bridesmaids  were  in  attendance  .  .  . 
They  carried  bouquets  of  violets  and  fancy 
line's,  the  gifts  of  the  bridegroom." 

Is  there  not  some  confusion  here? 
Surely  it  was  the  bridegroom  who  had 
the  fancy  bags  ? 


IMA.  I!  i  UK 


CHM.IV.MII. 


COVENT  GARDEN  AS    A  WINTER 


, 

•Mtrrringrr. 

\    IL-rr    HH.I 

wa*  in  the  h»t  that  be  achieved 

the  most  marked  aucoeaa.    Itwaaagreat 

teat  of  endurance  on  ev  part. 

.<•  opera  waa  played  without  any 

cuts  •   which  1   t««>k 

•lint  at  n  neighbouring  grill 

I  i.iiin. 


of  tin-  enthusiastic 
i-   ataerenl"!     in     plumbing    th>- 
ea,    literary  as  well 
f. mildly  erudite 

I1  ntr.iiioiiig 

meli«l  idnrc  when  the 

«     which      inspir.d     its 
design   have    I.  -t    Hi.  ir    ml.  n-t    fi>r  .ill 
Iml   tin-   -'ii'l'  iii   .  f  tin-  hi-;.  i\  i  ' 
t.-.  luii.|iic       II  i~,  j-crh.ips.  a  misfortune. 

p  licit 

Mil  tin-  humour  of  l»ir  Meiflrr- 
rinyrr  drfn'ndu  U|HMI  il*  \\..|.|-.  .mil  tln-ir 
print**  •mint;   r.illi.T  lli.m  u|«m  it- 
I  t   in    tin-    so-nc  ,if    ||ii> 
aerennd.  .  .iii.l  then-  tin-  enWt  i-  -|->d.-.| 
by  WAOSEK'S  dainn.dili-  trick  of  iteration. 
H'MT  littwa,  in  the  part  of  tin-  roinic 

fU-r.  did  Ills  |..--iM.-   to  split  our 


Herr   FIIMUI.*  richly 

RESORT,  desen  '-aya  beatowed  on    //.I»M 

thinking. 

•  uld    have   eh. ..-en    him   as 

:      never 

se  decline 
his  last. 

With   the   exception   of   7>m.f    H.-rr 
BUBAKD).    who    aang    channingly,    the 
pn-n  ticca,    or    LekrSuben,  as    the    text 
•ualy  describes  them,  wero  a  nit  her 
:i  lot     chiefly  women   in  the  most 
unbecoming    short    jackets    and 
I   >iip|H*4>  it  was  \N  i'. M.I! 
of  diversion  to  have  them  mcxsing  alxnil 
with   the   furniture  all   that    time  in  the 
'f  grossly  miacaJcu- 
•d  the  effii-t  of  tbeae  juvenile  triviali 

im,  which   merely  distract    the  eye  from 
MI  action,  and  arc  quite  .stupid   in 


to   drown    the 
..(    s.i.-riticiai     1'iill-i.    s.i    iho 
[do     III''     dyin^ 
knrirrttnl     ill.-n 
•  •      ..led   :i 
in-f  with    his  quaint 
ttitudes     and     hairy     make  up.      The 


but  I  aaw  not* «ly  carried  out  in 
omrJsksts. 

Age  <loea  not  aeetn  <<>  have  withenxl 

•lut  veteran  prizf-oin^-r. 

llerr  Ea\8T  Kuot.    AJ  a  lover  be  may 


liave  larked  (lie 
bat  vonlly  be 
lioo    to  :> 
aa  Km  )..>•!   i 

knight  witb  eslnordioa 


• 


i  in  Tui-sday  night  I  was  determined  t.. 

»•  in  at  the  d.-alh  of  Triitlitn,  and  forlitii  d 

ivself    to    this    I'm!     by    omilting     the 

Net.       In  the   Second,  the  love  duet 

vent   exquisitely;    and   Herr   YIN    I  >v  k 

hijitfiil   in  the  ojisy  n.ntid.-: 
bearing.     He  did  a  great  dt-.d  with  a 
whim-   natural   qualities   lent  him 
cry    little    assislamv.      Fran     I.IIVINXK 
•lilf  sjing  nobly,  and   so  did   Fnin 
MililK    Hl!Hi\   as   llnniijiiiir,  though   she 
uffcrod  fnmia  tremolo,  not  altogether  to 
»•  explained  by  nen'onsness  on  account 
if  the  indiscretion  of  her  mistress.    Then 
•ame  the  turn  of  Kiiiiiij  Mnrhf  illerr  l>r. 
"•'1:1 1\  ION  Kim  ss>.  who  was  dressed  like 
i  high   priest  and  delivered  his  sacer- 
lotal    homilies     in    a   voice    of    superb 
resonance.      On    his   arrival,    when    the 
crisis  clamours  for  immediate  dramatic 
it-tion,    there    was    the   usual 
quart  d'lieurr  of  silent  and  embarrassed 
cnsioii.   broken  only    by   the 
comments  of  the  orchestra.     And  when 
ic  did   Ix-gin   to  sing,  it  was  so  slowly 
that  he  could  scarcely  find  syllables  long 
enough  for  the  notes.     However,  all  this 
m's  doing  and   not  the  Ih-rr 
Doctor's;  his  contribution  to  the  bu 

an    utterance  of  almost  incredibl. 
volume  and  pot.  • 

"la  then- much  more  to  come?  "  said 

to  m.-  in  the  • 

I'rittant    d«lth,"     1    rrj.li.-.! 
i  air  of  encouragement 
<  'I,  then,  we  shan't  be  long,"  said  he 

illy 

l.nil.-  did  ho  guess,  bright,  sangnin. 

ih.it     tin-     moribund     hero's    last 

"iild   pn.\e   to   !»•   the   innui- 

•    of   the  ciirly   milkman 

wan    he    |.-ft  |    :in, 

Can' 

lining 

•lie  anil,  lim.,\  of  t  ho  las 
'•  ally  end- 

'ind    I  will  no 


'•  '  :  :    • 


**,.,  ^.  J 


'  In  this  death?     I  »an  nvver  in  brlti-r 
in  my  lift- 1  " 

TritUtn  ....   Ilt-rr  Van  I>yrk. 
A'unrrmi!   .  .  11. Tr  Il«-ru 

Si-r.ip  at  the  ^ate  was  one  of  the 
most  jM-rfimctory  sham-tights  I  have 
ever  witm  s>ed  ;  and  the  villainou.- 

is    lie   fell,   had   all   he  could   do  t 
helmet    cli'.ir  of  his    head   so 

ivoid  concussion  of  the  brain,  lint  what 
impressed  me  most  was  the  -.[...-.I  of 

;l<If'x  ship  111. i  fare  the  d 

turbines'.  From  the  time  of  its  IM-III^ 
lit.il  on  the  liori/.on  by  the  look-Otll 
pi|xT  to  the  moment  of  Innlili-'s  appear- 
ance, in  evening  dress,  at  the  castle  gate. 
not  nv.re  than  live  minutes  l>\  the  clm-k 

,1    to   waste.      This   was   th> 
|HTformance  of  tin-  long   nielli '*  work, 
and  theorchi-slra's  spl.-nibd  achievemeiit 
under    the'    sensitivr    handling  of    llerr 
NlKlscll  \\  ud. 

'I'linr^I-ii/.      /Vr  l-'lirijriiili-  lldlliiiiilrr. 
The   orchestra    was   a^iin    l;nl<in.--nl,   and 
each    of     the     Jirincipal     actor-     ~.  .  in.-d 
to     h.ive    just    the    kind    of     voice   that 
•.anted    for    his    part.       Fran    \os 
OVD     brought     to    tin'     romantic 
:  SI-K/.I  a  very  gyrnpathetic  intel- 
ligence and    I.-.TYI'.     The  Skippi-r    Mr. 
HIM  Kin      did    high    credit    to   his   8ea- 
l».rn   rare,  and  .sing   like  the   llrilon  he 
iiile   his   slei'i-sman      Mr.    ClxMNi;- 
IIIM.  another   Hriion     w;i  -.implo 

of  the  sentimental  tar.  If  llerr  HKIMIIIM 
as  the  Dutchman  was  not  quite  the 
equal  of  YIN  1,'ooy  in  vocal  power,  he 
interpretc«l  histe  lions  j.art  with  quite  as 
:<fling  for  the  abysmal  gloom  of  its 


JANUARY  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


i   V-   , 


f 


V: 
M 


& 

H 


<  i 

o  c 

z  ^ 

~     t-. 

m   | 

w 

-  ^ 

u  ' 

2  C 


LU 

I- 


.a 
E 


jt 

"o 


PUNI  II    OR   Till-    LONDON   <  HAIW  MM. 


JAW 


Hut  he  bore  a 

»  i  h.-  : 
himself  s> 
The  put  of  ev.r  .|>i 

and    II 

•11  rioellent  voice.  was  , 

n  the  dream  passage,  to  imp  » 

alien  character,  which  recalled 

that  adorm  the  Italian  school  of  Opera. 
The  onlr  fault*  in   the  perfonuamv 


••  stage  management.  At 
time  the  lightning  came  out  <>f  tin- 
sky  in  •  tan  of  hone-*pray  :   at  m 
the  dawn  turned  up  l»-f.m>  it  wax  dm- 
sad  had  to  be  sent  back.     But  the  chief 

in  the  nautical  man™ 
la   the  Erat  Act  the  Norwegian   ship 
baled    the    Dutchman'*    rigging    :in<l 
displaced  a  nail  pat.  I.  Hut  a 

worae    ftueo  came  at    the  end.     The 
Dutchman's  ship  has  to  work  in  dupli 


f.>r  the  aake  of  perapective— a  Lirge 
edition  for  shore-work,  and  a  smaller 
r  flying  acroH  the  distant  num. 
Well,  in  the  finale,  the  large  edition  t-»k 
on  the  None  ship  t>y  fouling 


rigging  and  stuck  for  quite  a  long 
ttna.     This  naturally  delayed  the -mailer 
edition  from  coming  on  in  the  dixtance 
and  foundering.      Meanwhile  S-n'.i.  who 
might  liave  <dmo*t  jumped  aboard  the 
ship  thst  had  stuck,  could  not  indefinitely 
delay  her  suicide,  and   so   had  to  pre- 
cipitate   herself    from    the    quay   long 
before  the  Dutch  Flier  went  under. 
The  week  would  liave  U-en  all  \Y 
but  for  a  slight  relief  on  Wednesday  even 
ing.  when  WOES'*  b'rt\*ehutt  wa*  given. 
lierr  Evan  Kk.tr*.  as  the  hem  Mas. 
appeared  with  his  eyes  almost  obliterated 
with    inward   grief,  and   they  remained 
in  this  distressing  condition  throughout 
the  pUy.     Not  to  be  outdone.  Kraulein 
Miami.*  CBAFT.  aa  AgaUu,  wore  a  large 
towel  round  her  bead  at  the  start.  Imt. 
contrary  to  orthodox  methods  in  > 
improved  in  health,  and  after  a 
relapse  in  Act  III.  wss  ultimately  i. 

bust  spirits.    There  was  v 
Of  her— one  of  the  slightest 

in  an  affectionate  rule;  and 
of  course,   get   m 
is  allowed  to  figure  in  ' 
unless  perhaps  lo  take  the 
i.  who,  for  some  unknown 
is  permitted,  as  in  the  case  of 


RESURRECTION    COOK. 

I  THINK   that  if   I  nn  the   Hayi 

.ih  all   its   plea-ant 
and   a.«oci.itioiis.  and   could    hire  • 

-  a*  Mr.  Cliviilt-  II 
and   Mr.  WKKI •  mi.  1  sin  mid  U- 

•hing    more    exciting 

with   •  -iimily  than    hi'ly  Iliint- 

1    do   nut    ] 

i..  ipurrel   with   it.  however.  IHV.: 
is  not  aometliiiiK  different   from  what  it 
seta  out   to  !»-.     And   r  tiling 

for  anyone  to  !>•  ashamed  of  in  it. 
Amu-ing  the  i-liildren  is  a  worthy  an<l 
kindly  i*vii|>ation.  and  the  hig  children 
who  are  tin-  liulk  of  Kngli-h  pla; 
like  this  sort  of  tiling.  They  like  tales 
ami  characters  aii'l  situations  which  are 
MTV  much  of  the  stage,  and  they  don't 
inch  care  nbnul  any  novel  retlec- 
li»n  of  conlein|Hirary  life.  In  thi.>  play 


Isi'l'j  llunlir-irth  .  .  Him  Camptoa. 

Mr.  (\irio\    ha*   given   them   what   they 

like,  und   has  not   liotlicred  aUmt   what 

they  don't   very  much  care  alniut,   and 

i-.    done    his    work    skilfully.      lie 

think     this     account     of     it 

"BUJH  :  •nising.       I    li 

to  lik.    oilier  sorts  of  play  letter 


before  she 


I  ••'      • 


open,  a 

• 


Krau  vm  WimnvD,  to  hare  a  graceful 
Icon.    The  Wolfs  Glen  in  A 
been  better  done  elsewhere,  an •  I  >l 

:•;•:••  :    ; 

Wild  Iliintaman  and  his  bounda  acnwa 
the  troubled  sky  were  not  what  Mr. 
Jarrarkt  would  have  npprored,  even 
altar  a  hunt  dn 

'   appeared   to  be 


from  influenn. 


IT  is  rumoured   that   tl 

• .     •  .    .  ;   • 


,-   > 


example,  in  which 
I  think  lie  has  put  a  great  deal  more 
of  re.il  fun  ami  •  ,  Imt  I 

should     l»-    delighted     to    think    that     I 
could  write  a  pun-lv  theatrical   plav  half 

i   my  evening,  and   much  of 

:ucnt  came  from  the  fact  that 

:    Been     the    pi. iv    I  H  for.-.       I    like 

.m  op|«.r- 

timitv  ng     ineili. *U     anil 

tnann  '  >n  tin-  wh.  I,-,  how- 

ever,  it  is  wise 
parisons  out  loud  : 

ie    K.«M|  ''. 

comparison    I  -I    i 

Mr 
MBtK  was  to  I,  .  ,1   Mr 

.ir.lm 


le  was   ill      may  lie    -  and 

:  w.is  lak-'ti.  withacli'ver  imitation 
>f  his  manner.  l>y  Mr    KIM  n  I. 

!.  for  fear 

not  rememlwr.  that  the 

-tory    is    of    an    innn-ent    i//n>;v.r    who 

•k  in  a  vicarage  and 

ittract>  the  lo\.  r,  I'litler.  and  a 

lashii<  M     who    ought     to    have 

narried     the    \icar'  s    nie.  •  W    he 

-,ed     IliT    father--    life.'       Mr.    KllIC 
great     a—et      i^    afTaliility.    Mr. 
\I:MIH  i  '-.  unction  ;   and   I   look   forward 
till  to  the  comparison. 

Mr.  lh\\  IIM  ^  i<  of  ,  1,111  lain. 

I  i>  a  part    he  could    play  with    his   l.-fl 

i.iud.  so   to  say.  or   in    hi-  nd  of 

I  tly  ;    DU|    il    i> 

iy  no  means  up  to  the  weight      I  intend 
10    unpl.-a^ant    and    quile    pr.-p,~teri«us 
suggestion    that    I..  '    llian    he 

was  —  of  thi>   d- 

i.in. 

Mr.    Wt  ii    is    now    the 

dipsomaniac   hn-liand.      I  d» 
n  the  lea-!  to  a  finished  ..tud;. 
nania     Mi  pa   the 

»•-)  I  have  ever  seen      lint    1  do  wonder 
why  the  puhlie  think-,  dipsomania  funny. 
\  genially  excited  man  may  U>  amu-int;. 
nit    an    habitual    drunkard        and    Mr. 

;illl   gives  you  the  real  thii. 
if  all  iihjecls  the  mo-t  deprc-«ing. 
lo    1    MI-    anything    funny    in    a    Imlli-r 
ilropping  his  h's.     (As  a  matter  of  lad. 
vou  would  tintl  few  liutlers  who  do  ;   the 
whole  comic   trcatinc-nt    of  ~er\an1s  i>  a 
glaring    anachroni>m.        IVoliahly    Kith 
ideas  of  hamoar  are  centred  in  a  fi-«-ling 
,f  sujieriorily  :   i/v   don't    drink  or  drop 
our    h's.       Hut    I    mu-t     not    air 
individual  dilTeren. 

The    col,  ''    Mr.     Hoi  \i\s 

(  'I.VIIK  and  Miss  I'm  <  -  n  ihe 

convention,  are  Koth  funny.  More  than 
funny  i-  Mr-.  (  'M  .  Hie  vicar's 

ii  i-  rich,  ripe  comedy,  and  I 
r.-ally  long  to  see  her  and  Mr.  KI.MIH.K 
and  Mr.  H\WM:M.  three  (.layers  who 
ha\e  the  rare  and  pp  ift  of 

liuildiug  reality  round  them,  at  their 
lireakl  •  .  r.  Mi--  \\'n  Mr  i.-  a 

charming    iny'iiu,-.    and    Mr.    AIKIUMVN 

me   geiieralioi,- 
if    I  I    off    the    slage      ill 

pt.-d  manner. 

And    then    th,  r.     i-    M;~-    (  '..\n-io\   as 
the  aristocratic  cook.      I'  -uh   to 

say  that  >ln-  plays  the  part  pr.-ei-ely  as 
she  playi-il  it  In-fore.  It  was  written  to 
suit  I  (I  ejft.  her-  s'ia\.-. 

.itni-.-d    n.  aimer,   and   \ery  well    it 

serve*   that    purpose.      Still,  with  such  a 

My   can't    help    thinking 

that    if    I    were    Mr.    Hu-iM-ov    1    would 

have    nude    Mr.  CARTOH  fl  i  iim-r 

j.lay. 


A    ii  \v    nur 
7/-K,/;  ,,f  //„//., 


< 


Jtsaaci 


1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


71 


A   WARNING  TO  HUMORISTS  in  tlle  remote  future,  it  is  imperative  to 

[••Sll,.,-,,sfulpi,.,,l,-s:,v,  77,,  /,„/;,•„ •/••;,/,/.  "CTOT   a    P?1'/?'  against    the  outbreak 

moallv  quite  devoid  of  humoor;  indeed,  oi  a  sense  of  Humour.     Any  BOOntj   and 

like  a  sens,'  reputable     office     will     negotiate     the 

uf  hum  >  stirri'iidi'i-    value    of    sueh    a    policy    in 


TIUI.Y  the  risks  of  existence  are  tending 


case     the    holder     becomes     financially 

to  multiply   themselves    alarmingly   as  independent   and    consequently   unable 

civilisation   grows   more   complex.     We  to  take  or  make  a  joke.     Bed-rock  rates 

now  have  a  fresh  and  threatening  contin-  would  doubtless  be  granted  to  under- 

geucy  which  every  far-seeing  parent  or  takers,     passive     registers,     pantomime 
careful 
his 


jESOP  ON  TOUR. 

A  STK\K  was  once  being  played  in  the 
Suburbs  in  which  appeared  two  Indies, 
of  whom  one  was  of  the  kind  called 
Domesticated  and  the  other  belonged  to 
the  Emancipated  variety.  The  former 
kept  her  Husband's  Photograph  in  her 
Work-Basket  and  was  continually  weep- 
ing over  it  (for  she  had  left  him  in  a 


young  man  on  the  threshold  of  clowns,  heavy  tragedians,  the  KAISER,  Mr.  'i'ilTi.  and  the  latter,  much  annoyed  by 
career  should  bear  in  view.  Our  KKIH  HAKDIK  and  President  ROOSEVELT.  '  the  Archaism,  not  to  mention  the  Noisi- 
ness, of  these  Manifesta- 
tions, was  endeavouring  to 
persuade  her  Weaker  Sister 
to  throw  the  Picture  into 


attention  is  directed  this 
week  to  the  serious  danger. 
both  social  and  pecuniary, 
incurred  by  the  individual 
who  develops  a  sense  of 
humour.  'Those  who  are 
wise  in  time  will,  necd- 
•  say,  insure  against 
tin'  same. 

The  field  of  operations  is 
large,  as  it  is  probable  that 
every  grown-up  person,  in- 
cluding even  those  in  the 
hmatica.syl  mi  is, credits,  him- 
self or  herself  with  possess- 
ing the  faculty  (or  draw- 
back' in  question.  That 
this  sense  of  humour,  how- 
ever, is  not  quite  so  pre- 
valent as  self-imagined  may 
be  gathered  from  a  con- 
sideration of  the  recent 
IxKim  in  the  Trade  Returns, 
the  proceedings  in  Parlia- 
mentduringthe  past  session 
(though  these,  too,  might 
have  been  more  successful 
and  therefore  less  liumor- 
ihe  behaviour  of  the 
sulTragettes,  and  plenty  of 
other  general  evidence. 

Still,  a  provident  father 
should  by  no  means  neglect 
to  guard  his  infant  pro- 
geny against  the  possibility 
of  its  turning  out  u  Humor- 
ist. The  risk  is  not  large, 
we  admit.  The  rate  of 
premium,  therefore,  need 
not,  be  a  deterrent.  We 
suggest,  then,  that  as  soon 
as  any  baby  begins  to 
"  take  notice  "  Miss  OPPEX- 
IIKI.M  or  some  other  pro- 
fessional face  -  reader  be 
called  in  to  hold  an  inquest  on  the  child's 
features  and  determine  whether  an 
incipient  twinkle  or  twitch  in  the  eye  is 
due  to  stomach  trouble  or  to  a  perception 
of  the  queer  side  of  things.  The 
urgency  of  insurance  would  vary  accord- 
ingly. The  family  doctor  might  also  be 
allowed  to  have  his  say  as  the  boy  or 
girl  grows  older,  while  indications  could 
be  gathered  from  school  reports  and 
other  more  or  less  impartial  authorities. 

In  fact,  as  long   as   the   prospect  of 
mat, -rial  and  professional  success  is  still 


the  Fire.  At  length  she 
-iii-i-i -eded,  and  the  other 
Hung  the  piece  of  Card- 
It,  vird  into  the  Fireplace 
with  a  vigour  meant  to  be 
commensurate  with  the 
Momsntous  character  of  her 
Decision.  But  by  chance 
it  fell  upon  the  inch  of 
lighted  Candle  that  was 
playing  the  part  of  a  flicker- 
ing Fire  in  the  grate, 
and  immediately  igniting 
set  aflame  the  surrounding 
scenery  (that  is  to  say,  the 
cardboard  fireplace)  so  that 
the  two  Actresses  had  much 
ado  to  stamp  it  out.  And 
when  they  had  safely  ac- 
complished it,  they  glanced 
round  before  resuming  the 
Dialogue,  half  expecting 
that  the  Audience  would 
meanwhile  have  stam- 
peded ;  but,  on  the  con- 
trary, it  was  all  there, 
highly  delighted  at  the 
Author's  supposed  happy 
device  for  symbolising  the 
swift  Judgment  that  (in  the 
j  Suburbs)  follows  upon 
Contempt  of  Established 
Institutions. 

Moral. — You  never  know 
your  Luck. 


Bpiruttr  (miller  mistletoe  and  the  influence  of  its  association*,  to  nernoue 
gentleman,  who  lias  been  asked  to  take  a  wall-floiccr  down  to  supper).  "Now 
DON'T  YOU  TAKE  ANY  NOTICE  OF  JIY  SCREAMS.  JUST  YOU  MAKB*aE\" 


A  Human  Mat. 

"  GIRL    (respectable,   age    about 
wanted  for  front  doorstep." 


18), 


Hampstead  Paper. 


"  fialbus  cedificaliit  murum  —  Balbua  was 
Imililing  a  wall.  That  is  a  sentence  graven 
deeply  on  the  memory  of  many  excellent 
riti/i'tis  whose  knowledge  of  Latin  has  lt?en 
scattered  by  the  preoccupations  of  the  more 
important  interests  of  modern  life." 

Evening  Standard. 

So  it  would  appear. 


A  DAILY  paper  recently 
stated  that  Prince  HOBEKT 
DE  Bitooi.iE,  who  is  conduct- 
ing theTivoli  orchestra, had 
"  rejected  his  father's  overtures  again." 
Whilst  it  is  interesting  to  note  that 
Prince  DE  BROGUE'S  musical  tastes  are 
inherited,  one  cannot  be  surprised  that 
in  their  present  strained  relations  the 
Prince  should  decline  to  introduce  his 
parent's  compositions  to  the  London 
public. 

Fashions  for  January. 
"  Tire  bridal  corsage  was  completed  by 
a  bevy  of  pretty  bridesmaids." 

Weekly  Scotsman. 


find 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE, 
i  /Jy  If  r.  r»neh'§  Staff  of  Ltartted  Clerki.) 

Ix  this  age  .  '  plensure  to  hml   a 

I 

has  the  large  and  leisured  manner  of  an  ampler  day 
it  is  a  i  sue  author  has  not  devoted  to  the  realisation 

of  her  leading  characters  a  little  more  of  the  tireless  energy 
which  she  has  been  in  lavish  on  the  rot  her  tedious 

nrlian  Uickgmimd.     When 

ia  not  introduce*!  to  \oii  till  he  is  past  fifty,  you  have  so  much 
lost  ground  to  make  up  iliat  you  cannot  afford  to  ha-. 
time  wasted  on  extraneoiiH  divi-nthim*.  even  )>y  way  of  e.  mi. 

me    the  memory  of  n  lurid 

:e    ill    the    csinvr  of    the    lee!  tiekafd    <  'nlmnill/.    I 

•:«•    retir.-«l    Unik-cWk    with    the    virginal 

•nl  wan  Uiken   in   hand    l>y  /'"/'/•;/   -s'-   •'"'"'   of    the    light 

in.ir.iU    that    -I.--    would    l-iid    pi. pi. ml    methods  of 

,t   1  wax  v  iuiiigh  the 

containa  a  few  trace*  of  the 
old  license  if  I  may  say  so 
with.  it  was  soon 

madeclear  that  l.i  <  vtJliLET 
lad  renounce<l  the  vani- 
of  a  certain  phase  of  her 
iterary  past.  Unhappily 
bar  reform,  in  it.vlf  a  UK*! 
desirable  thing,  is  permitted 
to  find  expansion  in  a  sort 
of  special  pleading  for  the 
[.nth  of  her  adoption.  In 
the  Spaniard  lylrtin*,  who 
t  he  Roman 

t'hur.-li      ill     his    e.isc    it    I- 

merely  a  natural  revenuon 
firm  no  particular  n 

have    ft    noble 
aulitary  and  contemplative. 

tu  arbitrary  ante 
to  a  caricaturv  of  an  Angli- 
•00 


iing  a  delightful    I 

li,  /,/,,»,/  //,T<    .'•'•.         Ml-     t'HAI 

,,,,   wdl  men;.  a  volume   dealing 

with  r>  and  ch. 

uing  out  of  the  Cambridgi 

Bttrione  Society,  the  l.r..tlierh.««l  e\enlnallv  U.ame  limited 
toadoten  men.  all  !-•!'  Trinity.  Not  for  ] 

1800  vear*  had  lh.  r.    IN-,  n  .-neh    a    iiolal.le 
dose  companionship.     To  meiiti.  •  :    their  n.;' 

suggest  a  c,  ns'ellalion.  Among  the  lu.-lve  were  1,'lMlvlil. 
Ttoni  who  from  the  l»eaneryof  \\Y-tminstcrwcnt  (..the 
Archbiabopric  of  Dublin ;  FuKi+:i:n-h  DENISOS  MM  in- 

CiiMnrs    Hi  1 1  m.   Sina  ixc,    Hi  M:Y    l.i  -n 


•  s 


his 


an.) 
other.       Mr-    Hi;.-  .KHI  I  L. 


HORRIBLE    DOMESTIC    INCIDENT. 
•  Kurort,  I'M  ArtAio  TIIIH  AIIMAL  WAHI'T  QFITR  RIFK  WHEN  IT  WAS  K' 


i>f    fotirth-raie    fine 

\l 

hen  bluiiu-i  her  wnse  of 
judicial  prnpri.lv  t<.  the 
great  detriment  of  h>-r  U»k  -  -  n  work  < ' 

As  lur  I'oppy  &.-l-Jin  with  her  chiuruHcuro  contraata,  it 

•      ' 

ramgniaalilo  aa  having  been  put  there  for  the  sole  pnr|--e 

than  lid  it  HI.     It  i«  nuttier  for 

astntiUhrm  nl  tl  n>nght  l.\  /•/'.-•i.i«  in  her  taste« 

and  ideals  should  hare  1  language  untouched.     Her 

•peach  in  bis  death-chamber,  where  ahe  addressee  tli. 
other  •warner  (a  i-»>r  faithful  orthodox  creature)  aa  "  my  best 
beetle"  is  jiwt  a  little  jar: 

M  act  revises  her  work  for  sun  •.>  lition. 

•he  may  Ui 

•   '    • 

needed  wit  1        I    • 

• 


fri.'i,.!   AI.-IHIH  HMI.\M.     Naturally 
addrened    t<>   i-ai-h 

having 

i..n.       She    :il-.     i  ''Tief 

Init    ii<lininil'ly    r.>iii|«ili-<l    bioRrnphiefl    of    college    frienda 
w|,,,  ,,,,  ..von  cliMim-iion  in  the  world  outside  the 

I'lliver-itv.       N..I   tin-  l'-a-l   fasi-inaliny  cpisi-le  in  thr  (1.111111011 

.  .-.  .nls  how  arili-nt 
yontli  or^aiiiM-d.  and  in 
iiiaiiiie.l  rasliion 
in  carrying  out,  an  c\|>f- 
.liti.m  to  Sj.aiii  with  the 
..l.j.vt  of  r.'lii-vini;  its  ]K.IIII- 
latioii  from  Bonrbon 
tyranny.  Ti  \\I-A.  in  com- 
pany with  II  M.I  KM.  actually 
.Idl  on  tin'  ryrciicfs 
with  in.  int-y  ami  ciphered 
for  the  revolu- 
timiisl^.  lla|i|>ily  they  were 
driven  Lack  liy  di- 

,  .f      a      stale      of       hopeless 
v  ainoii<r  tile  leaders 
of   the   revolution.       Thus 
-pared     to 

write  "  In  Memorial!!."  The 
volume    is    enriched     with 
portraits    of    the    Aj 
wilh  on.-  c\c.-ption  taken  in 

tin-  bloom  of  rariy  manhood. 

They  are  striking  (.• 


dawn  and  tw).< 
both. 


i 


Is  the 

it    when    the 


Hithertolliavenot  i 
much    more    aUmt    ' 
than  that  'according  to  Mr. 
Km.  iv.-  -I  \>  K  l'vi:iii:n  was  M-nt  th.  ''li  and 

met  it  within  the  month,  and  now  that  I  have  n  ad  the  chapter 

' 


on  it  in  Mr.  Ki  -i  *•  i  KM  v  .1  1- 


Umk  '/'/,,  I 


ludetl  '  -I  v  K  I'.M.i.'i  i  i  nm-l 
ha\e  baSBtaingnlarlv  delieat,-  ].ers,m.  i.inetta  M-CHIS  to  U- a 
very  nice  place.  S..  in  fad.  dors  ihe  whole  of  Intlia.  <  hi  the 

in  cycle  into  buffakwa,  and  \ 

get  .pi  »t  ofllci-.      V. .u  need  not  fear  snake  liites. 

for    Sfr.    ItK\soiir.  |t\tl.   tiffers     s-me     half -a-do/eu     different 
rcni.ilii-s.  including   the   I  n    that  "a  pinch   of 

gunj«owdcr   might    In-   j. laced   on   the  wound   and  exploded." 
He  also  append-  -  miens  of   I'.alm    l-.nglish. 

•  piilent    and     I'l-edominant     Kxcellency 
ire    to    wr.-st    from    its    ci.niext,    a    petilion    to    l>.rd 
COODK.    and    apply    to    the     |,,.4>.        l/.nl    Ci  i:/o\    v 
tiTtain   whether  the  intention   of   the   petitioner   would    IM-S! 
be  served  liy  inserting  a  < '  or  by  omitting  an  1!.     For  my 
•  inploy    l«.th    'in    turn.     The   volume   is   rich   in 
and    fairly  fat  in   point  of  si/e.      1  have  nol 
\et    had   an   op|mrtunity   of  testing   its   utility,  lint    1    intein 
to  M  8(>«  Hi  as  1  have  mastered  i  •  Appendix' 

which  tlealn  with  sea  sick 


JANUARY  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


73 


WINTRY  NOTKS. 

I'Vl-'     M:O|    I      I1IK,    TlIKK.MO.MKI  Ml!. 
• /;//  <IH  <ll/l  /'liilnildi.liiii  MrteornliH/iat.l 

"lY//i.F.i>"  writes  from  Balham  to  ask 
what  cNactly  is  tlio  difference  between 
the  Thermometer  and  the  Barometer. 
This  opens  up  a  very  interesting  subject, 
and  one  which,  during  the  present  cold 
snap,  must  have  been  in  the  minds  of 
many  of  my  readers.  Hrieily,  the  dis- 
tinction may  he  put  in  this  way:  the 
barometer  (that  is  to  say,  the  mercury 
inside  it)  cannot  get  below  29  or  above 
.'!.! ;  the  thermometer  can,  and  very 
frequently  dues.  If,  then,  your  baro- 
meter is  found  to  measure  "  lT)  on  grass  " 
(a  technical  term,  which  I  may  explain 
later  on),  you  may  be  pretty  sure  that 
your  chemist  has  misled  you,  and  has 
given  you  I  lie  wrong  article. 

*  *  *  *  * 
Perhaps  the  most  remarkable  feature 

of  the  present  weather  is  the  extra- 
ordinary part  played  by  the  thermometer; 
so  that  some  further  remarks  about  this 
instrument  may  not  be  out  of  place. 
There  are  three  kinds  of  thermometer, 
known  as  Centigrade,  Fahrenheit,  and 
lieaunmr.  Reaumur  may  be  dismissed 
at  once,  as  it  is  so  difficult  to  pronounce. 
.M.  CENTIGRADE  was  an  Alsatian  scientist, 
and  his  first  work  was  to  invent  the 
thermometer  which  bears  his  name. 
His  second  was  to  invent  the  Fahrenheit 
thermometer.  About  this  an  interesting 
story  is  told. 

*  *  *  *  * 

Fahrenheit  is  the  German  for  "fur- 
coat."  Now  M.  CENTIGRADE  was  a  man 
of  plebeian  birth ;  and,  as  soon  as  he 
had  made  a  little  money  by  his  first 
thermometer,  he  decided  that  his  one 
method  of  attaining  an  aristocratic 
appearance  was  to  pxirchase  a  luxurious 
fur-coat  in  which  he  coidd  parade  him- 
-elf  liefore  his  less  fortunate  neighbours. 
He  accordingly  bought  his  coat,  and  for  a 
time  was  to  be  seen  in  it  in  all  weathers. 
By-and-by,  as  the  novelty  of  the  thing 
wore  off,  he  began  to  find  that  a  fur-coat 
in  the  summer  was,  if  anything,  a  hin- 
drance to  his  enjoyment  of  that  season, 
lie  went  still  further,  in  fact;  until  at 
last  he  made  the  important  discovery  that 
there  was  one  particular  point,  on  the 
thermometer  to  which  the  mercury 
had  to  descend  before  a  fur-coat  could 
be  worn  with  any  sort  of  comfort.  He 
called  this  the  "  Dew-point."  So,  nowa- 
days, when  we  say  that  the  thermometer 
is  "  above  Dew-point  Fahrenheit,"  we 
mean  that  the  weather  is  too  mild  for 
our  fur-coat.  "  Below  Dew-point  Fahren- 
heit" implies  that  that  article  of  clothing 
may  safely  be  worn. 

***** 

^  It    is    obvious,    of    course,    that    the 

Fahrenheit    system   is    useful    only    to 


"THERE'S  no  'ULDING  "in  NOW,  SIR,  SIXCE  'E'S  C;U.NK  INTO  KNICKERS — 'E'S  THAT  PONPTIOUS ! " 


those  of  us  who  are  able  to  indulge 
in  the  pomps  and  vanities  of  this  world. 
Our  poorer  brethren  invariably  use  the 
Centigrade  thermometer.  It  is  a  pity 
that  these  class  distinctions  should  still 
hold  ;  but  so  it  will  be,  until  the  Reaumur 
method  is  universally  adopted.  The 
continued  run  of  Leu  Merreilleuses 
makes  us  think  that  that  day  may  not 
be  so  far  distant  after  all. 

***** 

Anybody  may  construct  a  Centigrade 
thermometer  for  himself.  The  manner 
in  which  it  is  done  is  to  be  found  in  all 
the  scientific  text-books,  but  I  will  just 
give  it  briefly  here,  in  case  any  of  my 
readers  have  some  spare  mercury  with 
them. 

***** 

Having  procured  a  glass  tube,  you 
put  your  thumb  at  the  bottom  end,  and 
pour  in  the  mercury  at  the  top.  (Be 
careful  not  to  spill  any,  as  it  is  xinlucky, 


besides  being  hard  to  pick  up  again.) 
When  you  think  you  have  got  enough 
in,  you  stop  pouring ;  and  at  the  place 
on  the  glass  where  the  mercury  ends 
you  scratch  "  100 "  with  a  diamond. 
Later  on  you  take  your  thumb  away 
from  the  bottom,  and  put  something 
else  there — a  piece  of  stamp-paper,  say. 
In  doing  this  some  of  the  mercury  is 
sure  to  slip  away ;  and  you  will  con- 
sequently find  that  the  top  of  it  is  now 
much  lower  than  it  was.  You  mark 
this  new  place  "0."  You  now  have 
your  thermometer.  The  intermediate 
marks  you  can  make  at  your  leisure. 

***** 
It  only  remains  to  add  that  if  the 
mercury  comes  through  the  stamp-paper 
at  the  bottom,  you  have  the  phenomenon 
known  as  "Below  zero."  That  this 
occurs  so  rarely  in  England  is  but  one 
more  testimony  to  the  excellence  of  our 
Postal  Department. 


VOL.  cxxxn. 


A  TRAP 
Us.  Pi-raft 


FOR  COUNTRY 

1   _     ,     f    - 

\\ 


MICE. 


iu 


IT  may  I 
th«  U.  P.  < 

i    -•    '  >::    . 


the 


' 

wheels 
big 


bv    a 


by  post- 
14  within 

ii 
There  are.  for  ex» 

here  a  cellar  full  of  glim, 
there  the  mortuary  f»r  dead  l'-tter>.     In 
long  room  countless  workers   are 

in    |<rf<csting    stamps 
of   pin   pricks   invented 

huio*.  M.I', 
door  a  regiment 
of   old    men.   all   very 
eat,  are  applying 
-  •  • 

The  constant  noise 
that  we  hear,  like  distant 
artillery,  in  from  the 
door-knocking  chuw  in 
Room  A.  where  boys  are 
taught  to  be  postmen. 

The  horrible  odour 
that  permeates  the  base- 
ment is  from  the  vat 
of  anchovy  sauce  into 
which  ordinary  enve- 
lopes are  dipped,  to 
convert  them  into  tele- 
envelopes.  The 
problem  of  how  to  get 
rid  of  this  fishy  smell 
baa  been  occupying  Mr. 
STMET  Bcxmw's  waking 
and  sleeping  hour- 
many  months,  and  is  in 
part  responsible  for  the 
far-away  look  and  dis- 
:  :  . 
er-clerks 


.     :   •       I  •    •• 
wouretl     for    their    rude 
Around  the  walls  are  busts  of  heroes 
the  blunter  life     1' 


Sir  ALKXAOTStSwEm-MiiM.  ;iinl  *>  forth. 

Martin's-le-^r.md.  .,-   ti 

Office  i  .ii-ly  call.-d.    i-  t; 

,ff  of  deductors  is  at 
•wk  deciphering  cryptic  addr.-sse- 


everyone   <. 


tills 


"     •    ',"•-  -':1   "r 

leat     forefathers,    an    improved    pillar-lux    which    can    I* 
I  her,.-,  of  use.1    also    for   a    cabman  •    she!.- 

kiosk,  a  lam]> -post  and  ,-\  slot  machine; 
in  another  r-.-ni  a  gentleman  writing  a 
dram  .  '"-'I  lang" 

We  look   in   at   the  club-room  of   the 
with    its    jKirtmit 

of  the  Postmaster  of  Crawley  on  the 
wall,  and  U-  rows  and  rows  of  littles 
of  slow  gill  ;  and  we  lake  a  candle  and 


is  a   branch 


n-  watch  l\^-  astute   intell.vts  at    charged  as  one   word 
Sr.  they  are  all   In-tiding   their    Charing  Cross  as  two 
all  eiivel  addressed         Of   tin 

t,,-- II.    •          tin-  hiikeof  DEVOSSHIBK,  and  had 

i'.ut  there  is  no  • 
dillv.K.C.    Here  is  a  quandary!   Whatto 


from 


nl'U   INTHfhTWoKTliy   AHTlsT   IN    l.MNi 

Tur  rotrSAtrcs-ODcau.  fix  THE  MI-MI.II  Httxcr)  UNVEILIXU  A  PILLAR-DUX  IN 
set  SQCARE,  bi\ 


done   all    this 

lunch,    the    replv    is     received 
the      P    M    '•       authorising      tin- 

penny,  and  the    / 
tni-ij     is     felehed.        'I  In- 
staff  of  .leductors  rush 
at   it  as  one  man.  and   it 

me  miiiii'- 
order  can  U- 
and  the  pages  mended, 
then  found  that  a 
iMike  of  I  il  \O\-HIIIK 
really  docs  live  in  Picca- 
dilly  ;  and  although 
Piccadilly  is  not  in  tin- 
Central  but  tin- 
Western  district  it  is 
determined  by  a  ma- 
jority of  thr.-c  to  try  at 
Mshire  House  and 
,f  the  letter  was 
really  meant  for  that 
destination,  the  power- 
ful argument  U-ing 
brought  forward  that 
there  is  no  other  Pic- 
cadilly in  bunion, 
although  it  is  believed 
that  a  street  in  1  "urban 
is  80  called. 

A  day  or  so  later  it  is 
learned  that  the  experi- 
ment was  crowned  with 


for  a  solution. 


prise  baring  been  offered 


But  it  must  not  be  supposed  that  the 
preoccupation  of  post-office  counter- 
derks  throughout  the  country  is  wholly 
the  remit  of  cogitations  upon  this  knotty 
point.  Classes  for  instructing  candi- 
dates in  counter  etiquette  are  continually 
is  progress  all  orer  this  great  building 
with  special  lectures  by 


officials  OB  tha  complex  art  of  not  seeing 
•  cas«osB»r  for  five  niinntes ;  appearing 
to  be  deadly  busy  while  doing  nothing ; 

1  ..•  .1      •   . :    . 

ill r  from  the  Ex- 


do?  The  chief  sends  out  to  borrow  from 
the  nearest  public-h<jus«-  a  directory,  for 
although  called  •/'/'„•  Pott  Office  London 
Directory  this  useful  work  is  never  kept 
in  Post  Offices.  Hut  the  charge  for 
consulting  il  i->  a  p.-mn.  and  this 
penny,  being  public  money,  cannot  U- 
laid  without  a  voucher,  sign.-d  by  the 
Mad  of  the  Deducting  |K  p.ntment  and 
countersigned  or  authorial  by  the 
Postmaster  -  General.  That  dignitary 
to  have  gone  out  of  town  to 
unveil  a  new  pillar  -  box.  A  t-  • 


press  Deurery  and  Tetephone  counters ; 
and  generally  behaving  a*  if  any  one 

:.:•-: i    .       .      '       ;       : 

send  •  telegram  was  either  a   cattle- 
maimer  or  one's  oldest  hereditary  foe. 

pnmihb*.    the    towns    and 


replv  telegram  is  therefore  sent  tl  • 
get  nis  authorisation,  and  meanwhile  we 

\\'c    l|o    ~    .    ,    olltllll,. 

in    this    fascinating    building 

«nn  and  that,  ami  watching 

the  TUIOUB  illd  _ies>.    here 

an  artist  completing   the    sketch   of  a 

new   Man.p  f.>i    the  S-ill-  i.-re  a 


success,  ami  instructions  are  sent  to  the 
1'n-s    l>.-partineiit     to    j.n-pare    a    i 
graph  for  the  ]  Tiling  this,  the 

tritmph. 

•— 

A  Chance  for  Mr.  Churchill. 

••  \VANTI  1>         A    pr..p.-r     Ham     and 
Bacon    Cnnr.      Pay    l(s.    .".D.    free    Ixurd 
and  l.-lging.      'I'lie  pay  "ill  IH'  ini" 
from    :  '  •    forty   or    fifty    if    the 

candidate  is  able  to  do  the  work  of  an 
under  secretary  t'«>.  Apply  to  tin 
J'riva1  :v  to  the  Haja  of  Kala- 

kank 


"Till. 


.\\MM.IisUlV 


Ci  il  m:\MSi;   im: 


th 


(  Vie  braining  the  printer  "  might  l)ft 
next  headline. 


irxni,   nil  TIIK   I.oXhoX   ( 'I  I  AIM  VA  I,'!.- -JANUARY  30,  1907. 


PAX    BEERBOHMICA. 

.The  KAISER,  who  is  preparing  a  welcome  for  Mr.  DEF.nnoiiM  TREE  in  Berlin,  has  authorised  the  statement  that  "the  Drama  is 
a  Mediator  between  Nations."] 


JANUARY  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


77 


SCENE — Platform  of  a  wayside  railway  station.     An  express  lias  just  rushed  through. 
Mother.  "  DID  IT  MAKE  you  JUMP,  DARLING  ?  " 
Darling  (bravely,  but  in  tears).  "N-NO.     B-BCT  IT  MADE  MY  D-DOl.LT  JOMP." 


HOLIDAY  COURSES. 

["  I  believe  it  would  lie  far  more  useful  to 
the  nation  if  our  English  public  schools  were 
places  where  our  boys  went  in  their  holidays, 
and  that  in  term-time  they  slaved  at  home  and 
learnt  something."—  1'mfcsKor  J.  J.  Thornton. 

I  am  sorry  to  note  that  the  author  of  these 
lini's  has  ]nit  an  entirely  unwarrantable  inter- 
prrtatiou  on  the  learned  Professor's  admirable 
paradox. —  ED.] 

WHEHE  is  the  pedagogue  can  stay 

Collected,  calm  and  cool, 
When  duty  prompts  him  to  survey 

The  modern  public  school  ? 
A  thousand  faults  the  critics  find  : 
It  atrophies  the  youthful  mind, 
And  hoys  once  good  or  clean  (or  both) 
Ik-come  a  seething  sink  of  sloth. 

Sonic  say  the  fish  is  badly  boiled  ; 

Some  Illume  the  blankets  ;  some 
Aver  tin-  intellect  is  spoiled, 

While  others  say,  the  turn. 
Some  swear  there's  too  much  Greek  and 

stuff, 

\\  hile  others  vow  there's  not  enough, 
Hut  one  and  all  in  this  agree, 
The  schools  are  bad  as  bad  can  be. 

So  far  as  this  I  do  not  go, 
Nor  utterly  condemn ; 


I  think  it  possible  to  show 

One  humble  use  for  them. 
In  term-time  I  would  keep  the  boys 
Encircled  by  domestic  joys, 
But  back  at  school  they  should  be  found 
As  soon  as  holidays  came  round. 

Then  gladly  to  the  class-room  door 

I'd  see  the  urchins  go 
To  trifle  with  the  Gallic  }\'nr 

Or  sport  with  CiCEiio  ; 
I  'd  see  them  toying  at  their  ease 
With  PLATO  or  DEMOSTHENES, 
Or  make  the  idle  moments  fly 
Among  the  frolic  verbs  in  -/*«. 

The  lightsome  moods  of  EUCLID  too 

I  would  not  wholly  drop  ; 
I'd     have     the    youngsters    chuckling 
through 

The  Forty-Seventh  Prop. 
I'd  teach  them  in  a  few  bright  words 
The  quaint  absurdity  of  surds, 
And  set  them  gaily  to  discuss 
The  humours  of  the  calculus. 

Of  course,  I  would  not  wish  to  make 

Their  holidays  too  long. 
Because  they  well  might  learn  to  take 

A  view  of  life  that 's  wrong  ; 


They  might  be  tempted  to  suppose 
Life  frivolous  as  Latin  prose, 
And  all  the  world  might  seem  to  them 
As  light  as  TAYIJOU'S  Theorem. 

But  when  their  minds  had  thus  been 
freed 

From  over-stress  and  strain, 
I  'd  send  the  urchins  home  to  lead 

The  strenuous  life  again. 
With  hungry  souls  they  would  return 
To  things  that  matter  ;  they  would  burn 
For  that  which  does  not  pass  away 
The  pantomime  and  music  play. 


THE  following  paragraph  will  be 
highly  appreciated  by  the  mere  mother  : 

"  A  toy  dog  require*  to  be  handled  with  as 
much  care  as  a  baby.  Some  people  take  them 
up  by  their  front  legs.  That  is  as  cruel  as  it 
would  l»>  to  take  a  baby  up  in  the  same 
manner."  -  M.A.P. 

Of  course  the  proper  way  with  baliies 
is  to  lift  them  by  the  loose  skin  at  the 
back  of  the  neck. 


Secretary  wanted    by  Dentist ;  goo:! 
teeth  essential." — .Morning  I'oxt. 

THE  awful  ivory  traffic  again. 


CHARIVARIA. 

..  has  teen  made  of  the  expl 

the  Dak*  of  the  Awcxzi.  but  the  roost 


,  from  Brugw  rode  into  the  village  I  the  water  but  you  cannot  make  it  drink 
Croix>£af.er  beating  all  the  The  motor  ommbus  was  soon  filial  with 


peaaanta  they  could  tmd,  ransack..',   • 


an.  I   houses.      Many  »f 


I,  u  .t  meeting  in  Man- 


the    always    interesting 
.\Wi.     "  The  Duke,"  reports  our  con- 
temporary, "is  going  direct  !••  Turin. 
and  it  is  understood  that  he  u.ll  shortly 
embark    then  on    one  of    the    Italian 
•at    sliips    for    a    prolonged 
There  are  evidently 
land-ships  aa  well  aa  airships. 


It  is  denied  that, during  the 
friction  between  Sir  AUBUOTBI 
SwETTCtiuMand  Rear- Admiral 
DAT*,  the  German  KMPCTOB 
expressed  the  henrtf.-lt  wi-h 
that  nothing  might  ariee  to 
disturb  the  good  relation* 
which  be  hoped  would  ;.. 
exiat  between  Great  Hritain 
awl  America. 


of  hie  venture*  appe;.  ;  hostesses  are  com- 

An  OMflM  driver  who  was  a  witness  messengers  a  --  ««««•»•  <"  "'"'l''"  . 
at  the  Wandsworth  OnntJ  Court  Stated    t,,  «in.  a   I.V.IIK  "1,.,,   the  age  limit 
.hat    he    had    thin-. 


L      All 


and  had  driven  in  i  iiion  Pro-   telegraph 


The    Lords,    Mr. 
nnounoea,  are  to  be  given  a 
second   rhanoe.     //  they  do 
not  take  that— well,  then  they 
will  be  given  a  third  chance. 

More  shocking  Revelations 
about  the  Lords!  From  Mr. 
STEAD  this  time.  "  The  artrage 

M  of  taek  peer  i*  about 
38.000  oerri.  Thi$  it  no 
nalttnl  gnxtth.  It  hat  been 
ortifrtally  fo*tred  for  nearly 
nine  hundred  ytart."  Per- 
sonally, we  have  never  yet  met 
a  peer  of  the  above  dimen- 
sion* ;  but  if  we  ever  do  we 
shall  agree  with  Mr.  STEAD 
that  it  is  no  natural  growth. 


A  conference  of  those  in- 
terested in  the  beautifying  of 
large  cHiea  is  to  be  held  in 
the  summer.  It  is  rumoured 
that  a  public-spirited  gentle- 
man who  in  interest"!  in  ih.- 
s9ovenv*nt  will  then  come  for- 
ward  with  an  offer  to  present 
of  Mr.  OKMOE  Autx- 
to  one  hundred  of  our 


p-r,o,H  :  who  ha  ve  heard 
whistling  in    tho 


will  wish  the  movement  even- 


Tliose  who  an-  ]invlu«lfd 
fnun  cinbarkiiiK  «'"  lh»>  • 
of  an  artist  owing  to  tln-ir 
IKMIIR  unable  to  stand  the 
smell  of  oil-|>aint  will  l>e  glad 
in  h.-;ir  that,  according  to 
The  Iktiti/  .Viivi'C.  a  l>'i 
hiily  h:is  iloi^ni^l  some  wmi- 
ili-rfully  arlislii-  i  r.Mlions  by 
the  us<'  of  common  house  llie>. 
..nioiis,  and  fish  scales,  in  the 
place  of  oils. 


There  is  nothing  like  calling 
a  spade  a  spade.  7 Vic  (li-ntlf- 
teoman,  in  discussing  the 
health  of  Cabim-t  Min 

I'rcbably  Mr.  H.UJ«KNK 
lia-  the  stoutest  ])hvsii|\ie  of 
any  inemU-r  nf  the  j.i. 

iimeiit."  Certainly,  to 
l.ok  at  Mr.  Ihi.i'VNK,  one 
would  never  imagine  that  he 
•was  opposed  to  a  poll. 

Wai^t. 


BY    DEGREES. 

<irl  Tunnfl.     Train  rlnp*  for  the  Third  Time.] 
Pautngtr.  "\ViiEiE  ASK  WE  N»w,  i.t  »Rn?" 
Guard.  "  Kirrr-oxi  Nona,  ONE  AND  A  HALT  EAST." 

1'auewjtr.  "  Oil— THAKM !  " 


THK  following  rea.ls  nither 
sadly  : 

••  I'lh.s.x.KAPH,  |«">r  II.MI-,  anil  12 
.'!»  <':•!..  nr  rxrliuiiKB  treadl* 
freUaw  "  Krtnimj  \em. 


-     •    ' 


Mia*  Ear*  MAT  has  evidently  been  ]>ut 

it.  .  -  •  .  ••!.•  ••.••.-.•.  !.';.•  ,•-:.. 
,is  not  a  great  actress.  She  now  wean 
jet  another  new  dreas  in  the  corn-field 


'The  Man  with  n 
an  article  in  T) 

we   wonder,  a  relation  of  "The  Man 
without  an  Aitch  "  ?  M  3. 

i*e  w 

One    day    last  week  thr«e   hun<lr>-d 


and   the    Delhi    Durlur.      \V, 
should  have  thought  (but  tins  may  lie 
inst  imr  ignorance)   that   for  an  omni 
bus  to  get  i  'on  mat  ion 

Procession  and  the  Delhi  Durbar  was 
not  the  beat  possible  t.-timony  to  the 
skill  of  its  dn 

:-e  Would    H".-!:,  .    limit    to 

the  ambition  of  the  motor  omnibus. 
At  lUrnej<,  last  v  •  •  f  th.~-e 

:          •         :  j.lant  the  i 
steamboat  sen-ice.     Tin-  incident  i 
that    a    motor    poasessea    i  !;••    advantage 
•   ••.       You  inav  take  a   horse  to 


A  Chelsea  Pensioner. 

"  lil  tc  KHUll'l  l«        till  IS.   •         '  '"" 

\\iili   uiily  our   IrK  li.is  iftnni"!   t.i 
,    nm- 
uinj{.        Tlit  I'liii'itrijf'idf. 

untiing ! 


On  a  City  Office  Wall. 

"It  is  of  the  greatest  importance  that 
tin-  Fire  Alarm  arrangement  now  fitted 
up  in  the  Office  should  never,  under 
any  circumstance,  IK-  touched  by  any 
McmU-r  of  the  Staff." 


Her  Sunday  Out. 

"\Vi.inan    Young  ;   must  t*  u«e<l  toatove; 
»le*p  in  ;  closed  Suinlayii."-  Daily  Chronicle. 

I  low  she  must  look  forward  to  Sunday 
night* ! 


JANUARY  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


79 


THE   GREAT   STRIKE. 

OUR  Special  Representative  has  again 

outdone  The  !><iitt/  Mirror,  and  obtained 
some  items  of  exclusive  news  regarding 
the  great  music-hall  strike.  Disguised 
in  a  light  check  suit,  n  blue  chin,  a 
thick  gold  watch-chain,  and  a  smart 
little  brougham,  he  has  gone  in  and  out 
among  "  the  profession,"  and  heard 
many  things  which  he  had  no  business 
to  hear. 

I  learn  (lie  writes)  that  Miss  MAHIK 
Lu'Yn  is  ready  to  start  at  any  moment 
on  a  tour  through  the  country  in  a 
motor-car  of  a  vivid  red  colour.  Her 
purpose  is  to  address  roadside  meetings 
from  her  car.  in  the  hope  of  arousing 
the  people  of  the  country  to  a  sense  of 
their  duty  in  this  great  struggle. 
(Costumes  by  WORTH,  wigs  l>y  CI.AHKSON. 
Parish  and  Borough  Councils  interested 
should  apply  for  terms  to  Miss  I,LOYi>V 
manager.) 

It  is  rumoured  that  LITTLE  TICII  is  to 
appear  in  a  new  role  and  will  address  a 
meeting  of  the  National  Alliance  of 
Employees.  It  will  be  his  first  appear- 
ance on  the  boards  with  boots  of  normal 
size  and  a  serious  look  on  his  face.  It 
is  anticipated  that  the  effect  of  his 
appeal  for  his  fellow-sufferers  will  be  of 
a  highly  pathetic  order. 

Miss  VICTORIA  MONKS  has  long  desired 
to  become  a  Suffragette,  but  has  been 
prevented  hitherto  from  taking  an  active 
part  in  the  movement  by  her  contracts 
with  various  Managers.  The  strike 
affords  an  opportunity,  which  she  intends 
to  use  to  the  full,  of  being  present  at 
the  next  suffrage  scrimmage,  and  The 
U  ><•/;///  Dixpiteh  hopes  to  publish  a 
series  of  articles  from  her  pen  under  the 
title  "  From  Halls  to  Holloway ;  My 
Fourteen  Days  of  Agony." 

The  ZANTIGS  have  not  yet  settled 
whether  to  join  the  strikers  or  not.  For 
the  tirst  time  in  the  harmonious  years  of 
their  married  life  they  discover  that  they 
have  two  minds  with  two  single  thoughts 
instead  of  only  one.  The  husband  feels 
that  duty  calls  them  to  strike;  the  wife 
takes  the  opposite  view.  M.  ZANCIO  has 
made  all  the  signs  he  can  think  of,  but 
Madame  persists  in  having  a  thought  all 
to  herself.  It  is  feared  that  this  regret- 
table deadlock  is  likely  to  shako  the 
confidence  of  the  public  in  the  genuine- 
ness of  the  performance  of  this  gifted 
couple. 

"Princess  TRIXIE"  is  devoting  much 
thought  to  the  question  of  the  strike. 
She  will  record  her  decision  oivjthe  black- 
board at  the  Palace  Theatre,  at  a  special 
matinee  to  be  given  onl  her  recovery 
from  her  regrettable  indisposition.  It 
is  feared  by  the  V.A.F.  Lthat  will  be 
"Neigh." 

A  famous  serio-comic,  addressing  a 
meeting  of  ladies,  urged  her' hearers  to 


llin-liir  (luuk'uiij  at  clinical  thermometer).  "IlELLO1.     THIS  WON'T  DO- 
Golfing  Patient.  "  WIIAT  's  BOGEY  ?  " 


7. 

IIVXDKED-ASD-TIIKEE  !  " 


stand  firm  and  play  the  man.  This  has 
caused  some  annoyance  to  Miss  VESTA 
TII.I.KY,  who  feels  that  the  competition  in 
her  line  of  business  is  already  great 
enough. 

Mr.  Gil's;  ELEN  has  been  understood  to 
express  some  surprise  that,  considering 
his  proficiency  in  the  dialect  of  the 
London  working-man,  he  was  not  asked 
to  occupy  the  position  which  Mr.  WILL 
CROOKS,  M.P.,  filled  at  the  commence- 
ment of  the  strike.  His  word  of  con- 
solation to  the  strikers  is,  "  If  yer  ain't 
got  no  wurk,  yer  cawu't  git  the  sack." 
This  is  believed  to  be  the  dialect  which 
costs  the  Managers  £40  a  week. 

In  chatting  to  our  Representative,  Mr. 
Aimii  R  ROBERTS  made  a  clever  impromptu 


'  conundrum.     "  What   gives  Mr.  ADNEY 
PAYNE?"   was  the  question.     Unfortu- 

1  iiately,    our    Representative    does    not 

exactly  recall   the  answer,    but   it   was 

one  of  those  smart  little  things  for  which 

Mr.  ROBERTS  is  deservedly  popular. 

Exeter  Hall  is  still  unaffected  by  the 

I  strike.     This  is  also  the  case  with  the 

I  performance  of  The  Bondman. 

The  report  that   Mr.  CHIRQWIN'S  eye 

[  was  blackened  while  he  was  on  picket 
dutv  is  unfounded. 


Sparks  of  Milk  from  our  Anvil. 

"NEITHER  of  these  artists  show  a  spark 
of  the  '  milk  of  human  kindness '  which 
in  DICKENS'  prose  redeems  his  tendency 
:  to  caricature." — T.P.'s  Weekly. 


M 


LONDON    rll.MMN  \l:l. 


M:Y 


!'.'• 


NATURE    STUDIES. 

THAT  celebrated  and  voluminous  German.  1  ' 

.  I-.-  .     •  I.  :  -  ;    --.'.I 
afaHthe  ethical  and  paidagogi. 
imd 

'•  '          ••'••        1 


. 

with  other  chi 


ren 


,....•• 

playing  lores  to  exercise  its  muneUc  fu«  ult  y. 
two  characteristic*  diirttoguishmg 

full  lealng 


The  other  I-  hrcad-and- 


to  ,t 


taMBB  BViT^"  fpruuui  in»«"  »"<-  •'  •  ,      . 

;'      :     • 

.......         .      :   .  .  .   •--••;- 

Tbe  beautiful  truth  wrapped  "]'  in  this  somewhat 

cumbrous  phraseology  which  I  have  fnvly  translated  fan  the 

origiosl  German,  w»  bn.nght  hoinr  U.  im>  not  very  long  ago. 

It  happened  lha  '•  '  '»«««  »[  !'".'  liul>J 

,,f  the  bouse  and  the  absence  of  the  in.  -   eft  ,11    nil 

-irl*  aged  respectively  4J  and  .•',.       he 

. '      :  ••       ndanothei 

hour  still  separated  them  from  their  l*-ds.     What  were  they 

to  do?    Mr  own  suggestious.  thoroughly  well-meant,  were 

rrceired  with  »  HKLKX,  the  elder. 

ithiiriiy.  "We  will    [-lay  parties."  an<l 

I  OIHV  ag:- 

n-d,  was  a  game  that  could  IH-  i 

bv  two  or  more  and  a*  often  us  the  rules  of  bed-time  per 
uiittol  ..«*ary  \*  -r-'iis  ..f  the  drama  were  a 

mn,l  a  I  articular  occasion,  in  onler  that  I 

might  »«•  included  in  the  revels,  the  extra  i-art  of  butler  was 
MMgned  to  IIH-.  V\u- mite-*H-fcfne  was  simple.  On  a  small  tea- 
table  my  handkerchief  v  !  ton-present  a  tablecloth. 

and  on  thia  was  set  an  usw.rtiuent  of  a.-h  trays,  matchstands. 
small  bronze  ornaments  from  the  manu  1  piece,  and  ancient 
india-rubber  ball-  which  had  oii.-c  l«ecn  i-arried  triumphantly 
on  the  noaea  of  Nut*  that  had  i--  n  Head  of  the  River  at 
Oxford  or  Ounbridge  These  various  articl.-s  represented 
the  usual  paraphernalia  of  an  afternoon  tea-table,  tea-pot, 
milk-jug.  SUgar-lx.wI,  rni».  saucers.  \c.  To  have  had  real 
cups  and  aaucers  would  have  s|>oih  the  game  Kverything 
baring  thus  been  prepared.  lt->-ii .  \\ln>  was  to  U-  the  visitor. 
wrappol  1  ii  head  to  f..,t  in  an  Indian  shawl  black 

with  a  iv«l  border.  embn>id<-n-«l  with  goldi  and  left  the  nxnn 
my  gloontily.  ..»t«w.  remaining  seiit.il  in 

solemnity  at 'the  table.  An  iiiuiginary  U-ll  having  then 
been  rung,  the  butler  left  the  l-.-ni  and  joined  the  w- 

visitor  in  the  paw, 

The  Vuitar.  In  Mm.  T»>M  w»x  in  (hen ''. 

Butler.  Yea,  Madam.    What  name  shall  I  say  ? 

The  Vuitor  (in  a  /Intk  of  inrmtioit,  but  without  a  mile). 
UdyO'Buutc! 

'.<n.  dill   vilhout  U  tnnlr.  nn-l  n- 


Th,.   black  side  of  this  lull  il 

!:l,iwj.  T. 

;/   din/    f 

I  i  |!i  VN,.  riff*. 

,/r<    •/•;  DM   and    sit    down    with    me- 

at. 

Luly  n'l'.i  iNX!  M'/.<  ./cini.  ''»'  immediately  rif,:<  n-juni. 
LadyO'Blanti  ',.-./inni»^  (••  n--m-.i/.  •  Will  u,u  . 

:,,H-.,iate.  because  I'm  late  going. 

/  •  >I<IH. 

The  parts  of  visitor  and  hostes-s  were  then  interchanged  and 
the  play  was   ivplayd.  and   so  >.|i  for  four  full   performs 

•  ryiiig   incidents   and  merit.      Finally  there  was  a  dinner 
party  which   the   h  -an    by  reading  from  an  .-UN  . 

repn-  "<<•»"  the  following  bill  of  fa. 

eef,  mutton-chops,  pudding,  pie  and    lx-.-fsl.-ak.  ' 
The  guest    said   she   would   have   pie   and    beef-steak,    which 
handed  to  her  in  the  shape  ol  a  paper  weight  and  a  - 
I 'uring   the   whole  of   the    performance   they    n 
1,M  the  air  of  portentous  gravity  with   which   they   had 
Started.     "  I'arti.-  '    must  not  be  played  in  a  spirit  of  levity 
that  much   is  ob\ioUs.    The  learned   Biui'SEwrrz,  however, 
doe*  not  refer  to  this  aspect  of  the  matter.     Probably  it  did 

-cur  to  him  that  anybody  could  ever  indulge  in  n 
ur  laughter. 

I.oYF.'S   Ol.l>   SWF.F.T   S(»N(i. 

TIIKKI.'S  a  strange  pale  light  in  the  lowering  sky 

A. -cording  to  CI.IHON  HIM;II\M  . 
And  a  hush  on  the  shore  where  the  shadow 

\-  mentioned  by  CllHov  HIM.II 
Then-'s  a  ro-e  ill  my  heart  that  is  like  to  .'ie, 
For  somcliody  's  waiting  to  say  "  (io.nl -bye  !  ' 
And  I  don't  know  who.  and  1  don't  know  why  - 
Hut  I  have  it  from  Curios  HIM.IMV. 

Tln-re'K  a  homing  swallow  on  yonder  tree 

(Belonging  to  I't.inov  BIV.I 
Tli.  r  for  yon,  and  a  star  for  me 

d  another 'for  ( 'i v  HIM.II -. 

There's  a  strange  sweet  song  in  the  wandering 
And  a  strange  sad  song  in  the  murmuring  lea 
And  little  they  know  that  they  're  going  to  be 

Adapted  by  Cl  lllos  HIM.HVM. 


ii-  \itii '!     \Vhiit 


'  going? 


tin 

*< 

Mr 


I've  stolen  the  U-autifnl  thougl 

•.n  a  voluini-  by  t'l.ll  l"N  BlNOHAM.* 
There's  a  good  deal  more  of  it      all  alniut  IOM-, 

A-  relating  to  Ci.ii  ION  HIM.MVM. 
Th.  :  /  ni'jlit.  l><iil-li/."  and  " 

And  ">7iu//  /  ii.-rrr  /«•/<.././  '/"it  >/. 
"  l-'lifln-riiiij  fliii'lmi*."  "  \\',-*lrri>fj  MIII.--," 
And  simply  no  end  to  ill.-  "ii/i/  • 
Th.  i.     •  a  Dow,  .1  l.'li/.  a  .\/M,.».  a  K. 
Knell  bringing  its  different  kind  of  UIXH  ..... 
And  the  horrible  part  of  it  all  i>  this 

That  gol  to  sing   cm  '. 

uiili'nil  Mif,     •'    \\'.  Am;.''.- 


Inquiry. 

1  want  a  recitation  luitablfl 

for  gi\ing  when   we   have    fric-nd-..       We    ha\e   niim1 
fri.-nds:    more,    inde«-<l,   than    \\>  liy   do    with    in   a 

•   like  ours." 

••  Kullj  ha*  beon  kippered,  and  tin- 

i^lhii  i-ilirrn  llrnilit. 

Till-  only  leaves  a  paltr\        ,',  to  !»• 


JANUARY  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


81 


AffaUe  Sportsman  (to  stratiger  on  tltoroughbred).  "A  LOT  or  BLOOD  ABOUT  THAT  HORSE  or  YOURS,  SIB!" 
Stranger.  "  By  JOVE,  YOU  KON'T  SAY  so !    MUST  HAVE  GOT  INTO  SOME  OF  THAT  CONFOUNDED  WIRE  ! " 


COLLATERAL  HEREDITY. 

[Dr.  EMIL  REICH,  in  his  latest  book,  Success 
in  Life,  reminds  young  men  about  to  many 
that  "  heredity  goes  transversely,  side-ways,  not 
in  straight  lines,"  and  that  therefore  they  ought 
to  study  carefully  the  uncles  and  aunts  of  the 
young  women  they  propose  to  make  their 
wives.] 

MY  heart,  AMANDA,  beats  for  thee — 
Nay,  why  this  wild  surprise, 

These  doubtful  glances  shot  at  me 
From  unbelieving  eyes  ? 

Meet- to-be-loved,  pray  understand 

1  offer  thee  my  heart  and  hand. 

True,  other  maids  may  be  more  fair ; 

A  brighter  gold  may  shine 
In  radiant  CULOE'S  waving  hair 

Than  ever  did  in  thine  ; 
But  if  her  Aunt 's  not  so  to  me, 
0,  what  care  I  how  fair  the  be  ? 

Although  by  all  devices  known 

To  woman's  magic  art 
The  others  woo  me,  thou  alone. 

AMANDA,  hast  my  heart. 
Beloved  one,  I  simply  can't 
Resist  thy  fascinating  Aunt. 

Ah  me !     I  love  to  watch  her  sit 
Beside  her  woolwork  box. 


I  thrill  to  see  her  deftly  knit 

Your  Uncle 's  winter  socks ; 
A  passion  agitates  my  soul 
When  she  evolves  a  buttonhole. 

And  when  we  dine  I  scarce  can  stand 

The  beating  of  my  heart 
As  I  behold  her  lily  hand 

Dispensing  apple  tart. 
What  more  can  mortal  long  for  ?    This 
Is  absolute  domestic  bliss. 

Nor  am  I  tuned  to  lower  pitch 

Of  rapture  when  I  con 
The  bundle  of  perfections  which 

Compose  your  Uncle  JOHN. 
In  his  benignant  form  I  find 
An  Uncle  wholly  to  my  mind. 

Then,  darling,  need  I  more  explain  ? 

The  virtues  which  endear 
This  matchless  couple  to  thy  swain 

In  thee  should  reappear  : 
Their  rare  perfection  ought  to  be 
Transversely  handed  down  to  thee. 

Strong  in 'my  faith  in  Nature's  laws 

My  heart  I  sternly  steel, 
And  when  sweet  CHI.OE  pleads  her  cause 

I  turn  upon  my  heel. 
I  love  thy  Aunt — thy  Uncle  too  ; 
Then  pray  be  mine.  AMANDA  !     Do ! 


WHEN  BERTIE  SKATES. 

WHEN  BERTIE  skates  the  ladies  fly 
With  startled  glance  and  stifled  cry, 
As  brandishing  a  knotted  crutch 
With  hands  that  grip,  and  claw,  and 

clutch, 
Like  Juggernaut  he  hurtles  by. 

The  ice  receives  him  hip  and  thigh 
With  thumps  that  echo  to  the  sky 
While  stars  its  glassy  surface  smutch 
When  BERTIE  skates. 

His  friends  avoid  him.     Even  I 
(Betrothed  to  wed  him  in  July) 

Scud  like  a  rabbit  from  his  touch. 

In  point  of  fact,  it 's  wiser  much 
At  home  to  shelter  safe  and  dry 

When  BERTIE  skates. 

The  Brotherhood  01  Art. 

In  the  picket-lines, 

Jan.  24,  1907. 

DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, —  My  blood  boils  for 
my  poor  downtrodden  colleagues  who 
are  being  starved  in  order  that  popular 
artistes  like  myself  may  roll  in  motors 
on  a  salary  of  £7,500.  Cruel,  cruel 
Managers !  Yours  cordially, 

ARTHCR  ELVTN  LLOYt>-TtCH. 


(•I  M  11.   OR  Till-    LONDON    «  II  MMVAKI. 


1907. 


I'rppery  Colonel.  "Gu«l>  HEAVES*,  Siu!     HAVI-'I   VT  '.-T  A  BLACK 

'    Yl-.   SlE,   »rr  I'M   8AVIS.1    IT   »•••«   1 


Fa.  l.-1'AUTKllMii:  SlX'oTIV;    KM'S 

I  t'mry. 
ll.«IUUM.Ui  of  tin-  hunter'*  1110011  aloft  ! 

Familiar  of  the  wheat 'a  despoiled  tloor ! 
Through  Spring  an  i«h  I  've  mi-M-d  ymi  oft, 

In  Autti  "  more, 

And  (  i  ovaneecent  a»  a  ImMile 

When  I  haw  sought  you  on  your  native  >tul,l,le. 

Aa  at  each  unmoii'si  en<l  w  i!  uprise 

I  t'H.,1  i.j  ^.IIIM-  l»»>k  and  cnrtriil^t-  lull, 
I  mark  in  men. 

And  fire  again  tin-  -h- .t  that  f.iil.-l  to  kill 
A  hun iMing  moment  when  I  have  inf. 
"Thou  want  not  born  for  Death,  Immortal  Hint." 

Again  I  see  ur  <ah'«  conceit 

Go  forth 
M  T  t  runty  lethal  weapon  all  replete 

With  oouUe  charge  fur  your  undoing  meant. 
\Vhoa*  praraMani  exploaion  (thoogh  atag  f< 
Let  Autumn  aun*hine  into  the  retriever. 
,  ...  .  .       .. 

.:!_•  hlll'l 

W.H-.  •-  I  aaa  unacathe.1. 

tiiom  from  my  loader, 

'..  .   •    •  :  :     •  •:         . 

:.-*  on  eae 

.inly  ivlit.  i:ij  tuous  of  I: 

>ntr<l  M\ 
Then  will  I 


\V.\i;    T«i   TMK    KN1FK. 
I  i   ili.-   I'nil'i  ri,,-,,,,,.-!,'   .,{   M..II.].'  Inn.  SI.  we  i-M'i 

hiUt  iliKK'i'K  i''H  k"'ft'  '"'"  •'  ''•'ll''  "  :   '"''  '"r1''' 

:,.nn..n    l.il.-r.il  "•.  Mr.    l.i  I'l.-i.l.-ut 

,,(  (I,.  ,.-II,:.I|.M|,  -Tlii-  i-  wliiU  I  si,. ,,,l,l   l,k.- 

i.i  ilo  willi  ihe  HOIIMV  of  l^'i 

Tin:    j,l.-asin«    fi-rm'ity  cviin-c<l    in    tin-   iiUiv.-  rpi-Mli-    i-. 
u-i-  i.  -in  tn   U'liovc,  liy  no  means  confined  to 

llu-  yiftt-d  (.'nniliriiin  who  )  •  .'i'1'  "f    ' 

.    lniM-lu-.ni   r.vmlly   li.-l.l   at    ( luil.lfonl    Mr.   Rl^OWUCK,  88 

In-   ],lniij,'f(l  liis   fork  into  tlu-  Im-a-t   "I    a    singularly   \v.-ll- 

:  .|H>.|  Siin.->    |.,\\1.  i-M-l.iimi'il  in  nocente  vibrating  with 

'pawionat.-  .-im.Tily.    "Tliai    i*   wliat    1    ^lionl.l   like  to  .In  l 

Mr    i 

in.  Mr.  Amiin  l.M-ir.i.ioN.  while  reomtl)  pitying  ^o 

at  North     IVnvirk,    h:ul    tin-    iiii^lortnnt-.   tin-   «ronnil    IM-JII 

hanl.  to  lir.-.ik    tin-   II.MI!   of  his   faMinriti-   driver,  which 

Hew  off  to  a  c.,nsi.l.T.ilili-  ili?tan.-f.      A-  tin-  ••mini-lit  politician 

.  •!   ii  up  In-  n-marki-.l.   with   >;reat   int«-n>iiy  of    fivlinjj, 

,lv  wish  it  ha.l  lni'11  \Vl\s|.,\  s  li.-ail." 

Sir   lll.Miv    llowonill.   tin-   l-ii^tli   of   wh  -    l"    Tin- 

Tint'-*   is  only  i-.|nall<-il    liy    tin-   rhivalroii-,   iii.nliTalion   with 

whirh   1.  i  ,   Ins   |H,iiii.-;ll    (i|>|Miiii-ni-.   was   recently 

lin^    at    tin-    annual    l>.m<|ii'-t    <,f     tin-    Si'ii-ty    for    tin: 

t'ru.liy   l>    l:\tinrt    Mammoths,   ol    wliich    hi- 

•  n.      Tli.' 

Sir    Hr.McY   i  In 'Vi-   tin-   Mail'1  ol 

i  i-arxinx'-knift-  into  it  In-  shonli-il  in  clarion 

i      •  !      ...iiM   lik.-  to  do  to  tin-  Duke  of 



I;  :liat    at   tin-   Court 

Ix-  followi-.i   liy  a   ilranuiti^cd  version  of 

!  n. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  C'HAKIVA  I!  L- JANUARY  30,  1907. 


OVERDUE. 

BIUTAXXIA  (on  quay  at  Kingston).  "ANYBODY   SEEN   MY   WHITE   ENSIGN?     I'VE  BEEN  WAITING  A 

WEEK  FOR  IT." 

Mi).  Prxru.  "YOU'VE  GOT  TO  WAIT,   MA'AM;    THAT'S  THE  NEW  SYSTEM.' 
[Earthquake  at  Kingston,  January  14;  arrival  of  first  British  warship,  January  _-. 


JAXI-AIIY  30,  1907.] 


PUNdH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


85 


J.F. 


(Ethel  has  been  taken  bij  her  Grandmamma  to  call  upon  her  new  Aunt.) 
The  A"«tc  Aunt.  "So  YOU  ABE  EIGHT  YEARS  OLD?    Now  HOW  OLD  DO  YOU  THINK  I  AM?" 
Ktlii'l.  "YOU'RE  NOT  VERY  YOUNG,  ARE  YOU?" 
The  \cic  Aunt.  '-WELL,  I'M  NOT  QUITE  so  OLD  AS  GRANDMAMMA." 

I'.lM.    "(Ill,    (lllANDMAMMA  NEVER  TRIKS   TO   LOOK  YOUNG  !" 


T1IK    SKU'ISIINT.SS    ( >!•'  SCIENCE. 

\lli/  lt<i  i/iii'iiul  /ilnlln-rbie.) 

Tin:  increasing  prominence  \vliicli  is 
now  lieing  given  in  the  Press  to  descrip- 
tions iif  the  personalities  of  eminent 
scientists  anil  anticipatory  accounts  of 
their  discoveries,  is.  I  have,  alas !  un- 
fortunately good  authority  lor  stating, 
by  no  means  invariably  relished  by 
all  the  leaders  of  this  confraternity. 
In  order  to  contirin  this  view  of  the 
Dilution,  within  the  last  few  days  1  have 
called  on  several  scientific,  luminaries 
and  found  that  there  is  a  deplorable 
and  anything  but  public-spirited  dis- 
inclination nn  their  part  to  welcome 
any  intrusion  on  their  privacy.  As  if 
leading  scientists  ito  give  them  the 
name  iliey  most  dislike;  were  not,  every- 
one's property  ! 

M\  first  visit  was  to  Professor  I!.VY 
LANKKSIT.K  at  the  South  Kensington 
Museum.  On  presenting  my  card  I 
was  shown  into  a  room  in  the  interior 
of  which  was  a  structure  resembling  a 
bomb-proof  turret. 

"Take  a  chair,"    said    a   voice   from 


inside  the  turret.  I  obeyed,  and  the 
turret  immediately  began  to  revolve  until 
I  was  conscious  that  a  shining  barrel  j 
was  trained  on  my  person.  The  move- 
ment then  ceased  and  the  invisible 
Professor  began.  "  Understand,"  he  said 
in  short  sharp  tones,  "  that  I  am  not  a 
popular  preacher.  1  may  or  may  not  be 
typical  of  the  spirit  of  modern  science, 
but  unless  you  give  me  your  solemn 
word  that  you  are  not  going  to  describe 
this  configuration  of  my  cranium,  the 
colour  of  my  eyes,  the  pitch  of  my -voice 
and  the  way  I  do  my  hair,  I  shall  press 
the  trigger  of  this  Winchester  rifle." 

I  hurriedly  gave  him  the  requisite 
assurance. 

"  Very  well,"  continued  the  Professor  ; 
"it  will  simplify  matters  if  I  tell  yon 
that  I  am  not  always  glad  and  grateful 
for  the  boon  of  life,  that  I  am  not 
necessarily  a  pleasant  companion  over  a 
cigar,  and  that  when  1  talk  in  my  sleep 
there  is  not  a  healthy  ring  in  my  voice. 
Lastly,  if  I  should  happen  to  make  an 
important  discovery  you  are  the  last  per- 
son to  whom  1  should  communicate  it." 

Realising  that  no  alternative  was  left 


but  to  withdraw  from  contact  with  so 
hopeless  a  reactionary,  I  left  the  room 
and  took  the  12.30  from  St.  Pancras  to 
Cambridge,  proceeding  immediately  to 
the  residence  of  Sir  GKOW;K  J).\H\VIN, 
F.li.S.,  the  President  of  the  British 
Association  and  son  of  the  illustrious 
CHARLES,  whom  unfortunately  it  was 
never  my  privilege  to  interview.  ( Hence 
possibly — to  quote  a  caustic  friend- 
some  serious  lacunae  in  his  memoir  on 
the  habits  of  earth-worms.)  lien-  al 
any  rate,  1  thought,  I  may  be  sure  of 
a  cordial  and  intimate  conversation  with 
one  of  the  brightest -stars  in  the  scientific 
firmament.  It  is  painful  but  necessary 
to  state  that  my  disillusionment  at  Cam- 
bridge was  even  more  pronounced  than 
at  South  Kensington.  Hardly  had  I 
placed  my  hand  on  the  latch  ol'  the 
gate  when  a  sharp  explosion  was  heard. 
and  a  deep-throated  voice  was  heard 
issuing  from  the  dining-room  window: 

"Missed  him,  by  Jupiter!"  Un- 
favourite planet  of  the  Plumian  Pro- 
fessor. Hurriedly  taking  cover  behind 
a  clump  of  laurels,  I  stated  my  name 
and  intimated  that  I  should  be  glad  of 


PUNCH,    "K    THK    I."M")N    CHARIVAKI.  [Jaouti  30.  1907. 


the  Professor's  view*  oo  the  origin  of 
bimetallism    MM!  •  few  other 
topic*.     Realising   that  I  was 
.    Sir    UBJaoE    put    aw 
_  and  came  on  to  the  lawn, 
will'panloo  my  mistake,"  be  observed. 
l.ut    I   thought   you    were   the    Maily 
•    ,      .'    •  .     :         .-.•,'.    •:     -      •   : 

my  Book  rifle.  He  has  been  dodging 
about  here  for  the  bat  week  with  the 
avowed  intention  of  feeling  my  boBM, 
for  all  the  world  asid  were  a  drniniiimi 
dromedary,  and  I  hare  had  to  take  strong 

But  surely."  I  expostulated.  "  such 
an  attitude  is  unworthy .  >f  a  gruat  thinker 
who  holds  that  the  whole  universe  is  a 
vast  expression  of  spiritual  reality,  ami 
U  nourished  with  the  |--i|-  M.U  M- 
the  splendour  and  glory  of  the  eternal 
Cosmo.?  ' 

UB«OC  [>il«IV  I  .ill  linn  tit  -IH.E  in 
spile  »f  exerxthing.  though  I  li:i<l  never 
seen  him  befbfta,  for  h-  is  a  great  ami 
noble-hearted,  th  mgh  short-teiupered, 
man — said  n  4hnu.  lint  inade  a  signal  to 
somebody  outside,  and  a  brawny  con 
suble  dashed  into  the  garden.  i-.Jlar.- 1 
me  with  brutal  muchness,  and  ran  me 
out  into  the  nod  before  I  liad  time  to 
eiplnin  tluit  I  was  not  HA»>U«  the  hat 
of  the  DeurnwArrs. 

On  my  return  to  Ixndon.  somewhat 
and  saddened  )>y  this  painful 
experience.  I  resolved,  after  a  good 
night's  rest,  to  proceed  to  Birmingham 
and  interview  Sir  HIIUJC  LODGE.  II- r. 
at  least,  I  Ml  that  I  was  sure  of  a 
sympathetic  welcome  and  ample  oppor- 
tunities of  i-ipUtuig  my  impressions 
of  an  expansive  and  commanding 
personality.  Imagine  my  Hurpriae  and 
dismay  when  on  arriving  at  Birmingham 
University  I  was  informed  that  the 
Principal  had  gone  into  retrtxit  and  wait 
camping  out  in  a  field  near  Kdgbaaton 
in  the  company  of  wvcr.il  trained 
lliirrn-dly  lulling  a  luiiuioin 
off  to  the.  spot  indicated,  and 
•are  enough,  in  a  nKiujik'n  dress 
r  to  that  worn  l>y  f...mt  Tourroi. 
was  my  d«ar  fn.  nd  OMVKU  I»U;K.  ll 
should  expkin.  in  defence  of  thin  iuti 
macy,  that  1  once  spike  to  him  through 
the  telephone.)  There  cuuld  be  no 
doubt  that  it  was  he ;  the  great  domed 
fmehuad.  reminiaoent,  in  BamwArr** 
laasianiis  phrase,  of  the  Mosque  of 

-    N  ;         .     .-    •  •  .     •    •          •;-...          . 

his  identity  with  trumpet  tones.  And 
J+1*U+mm**»»  +  a»t  Refusing 
to  etnreai  a  single  opinion  either  on 
the  ZAMXM  or  the  Channel  Tunnel, 
he  waved  me  aside  with  a  peren 

'".     •  •'    >'.  '  .:  '  -''.  .";'  .. 


ing  the  advances  of  refined  journalists. 
CTr^f"**  itself  to  a  sterile  and  atr.i- 

is  obm-urity. 

[Hencefortli  I  devote  my  energies  to 
cricketers  and  New  Theologians.  They 
never  retaliate.] 


TIIK   riirSNKL   ACAIN. 

Mr  Joiw  WA»D.  M.I'.,  it  reported  to  hare 
in  ..I*  ihr  following  remark* :  "  It  (ths  Ckeaasl > 
abooU  be  constructed  without  the  alighteat 
attnapt  b-iog  made  at  fortification  or  prepara- 
tion for  detraction,  or  any  oth -r  ab»urd 

•stiuiM  of  a'milar  character.  With  a  raft 
proper  boring  apparatus  and  ffty  prarlifal 
-~.j.  /  trout*  defray  the  tunnel  at  any  lime. 
for  prietieal  jmrpoou,  uilhiit  three  or  four 


rated.     Beware  of  the  Pelicans." 

A  s»daVr.  if  not  a  wiser  man.  I  returned 
to    town,    pondering    on    the    su 
detachment  of  science,  which.  1-y  rrj«x  t- 


was  a  tube  banoth  the  sea ; 
And  fifty  navvies  bold  were  xve. 
The  enemy  crept  across  one  day. 
When  there  was  no  one  in  the  way. 
Si  xve  went  out  II|KHI  a  raft  ; 
The  enemy  thought  that  wexvere  daft. 
We  dived  and  dug  and  rose  for  air. 
The  enemy  didn't  seem  to  cure. 
We  suffered  from  the  choppy  wax.--  . 
Hut  Britons  never  shall  IK-  «l< 
The  raging  foe  laid  bare  the  land  ; 
Hut  we  wen-  digging  through  the  sand. 
Captixe  our  beaten  army  lay  : 
Hut  xve  were  boring  through  the  clay. 
We    heard    the    prisoners    tramping 

through, 

While  xve  were  blasting  all  we  knew. 
And  so  the  weary  days  went  pa-t, 
Hut  xve  xvere  getting  there  at  la-i. 
Then  jn-.ice  was  signed,  oil.  sad  to  tell, 
As  we  were  drilling  through  the  shell. 
It  xvas  too  late  to  stop,  alack  ! 
We    drowned    the   prisoners    coming 

back 
i 

IMMORAL  TALKS. 
I. — THE  Yi:u>  >w  V 

DM.  d.iy  Mama  said  to  Tlioxiv-  ami 
MiNia.  '  MX  d.-ars.  a  Wild  Heast  Show 
has  come  to  the  town,  ami  if  you  are 
l>oth  very  good  boys  you  shall  go  with 
your  1'aja  and  me  this  afternoon  to  sec 
it. " 

Hut  a.«  ill  luck  Mould  have  it.  while 
the  txxo  buys  and  their  constant  com 
pnnion  f'i</<»  were  (.laving  in  the  parlour 
that  morning,  what  should  little  Mi  vn 
do  but  throw  down  a  U-autiful  xellow 
vase  with  puce-coloured  s|«.u.  that 
stood  on  the  mantel  sb.-lf,  and  break  it 
mto  bit*  ! 

At  this  the  poor  lad  was  sadly 
".••••':  said  he.  '  I  ,,..,',- 

Mama  may  be  x.-vd.  and  perha) 
take  roe  to  the  Wild   lV.i*t  Show  after 

.  doubt  of  it.1  replied  In- 
brother,  "since  I  know  that  the  Yellow 
Vase  was  a  present  from  our  I 'u.l. 
.UwM.  Hut."  continual  Sly  TOM,  "xvhx 
choiild  xve  not  lav  the  Maine  upon  /•',',/, 


Then   he   will   IK-   punished   and 

To     this,     ll.iwe-.er.      Ill  NICY     XVollld     Hot 

^n»-.  for   he  was   a  good  little  ln>y.  and 
iiiew,    moreover,    that    the    I'tdn   • 
v.is  wearing  a  bit  thin. 

"No."  said  lie  firmly,  "I  shall  say 
hat  I  alone  did  it,  U-caii-e  I  have  found 
hat  Truth  always  pax-  l»M  in  the  l»ng 
Run." 

"guile  right."  s;iid  his  I'.ipa.  who 
lad  entered  the  room  unobserved,  and 
who  was  he.irtily  glad  to  stv  the  ! 
the  Yelloxv  \"a-e.  "and  now  put  on  your 
things  and  xve  xvill  set  out  at  once  for 
the  Show.  Hut  as  for  TOM.  he  must 
remain  at  home  and  go  sup|x>rless  tolled." 

Naughty  TOM  was  left   t dilate 

11)1011  the  Reward  of  I>i-honesty.  while 
I 'a pa  and  Mama  and  MKMIY  xvent  to  the 
Show,  xvhere  a  Wild  IVa.-t  got  into  the 
-i\|-enn\  M-ats  and  nit  them  entirely  up. 
Hefor.-  v.  n 


II.    Tin.  CAI 

l!i  I'Klif  and  Al.KIIKD  Mere  two  little 
K.\-at  sch(«il,  M'hose  birthdays  came  mi 
the  same  day.  though  they  were  not 
twins.  The  rea.son  they  were  not  twins 
was  because  they  had  different  papas 
and  mama-,  and  indeed  were  no  relation 
i  other  at  all. 

However  on  this  day  they  each  received 
a  beautiful  large  cake,  full  of  raisin-  and 
candied  )>cel,  and  covered  all  over  with 
the  most  delicious  plaster  of  1'ari-.  that 
can  I*-  imagined.  Now  Am;u>.  who 
i.-iy  unselfish  little  l>o\.  t<>"k  Ins 
cake  at  once  to  the  Master,  and  having 
obtained  juTinissimi.  he  cut  it  into  forty 
slices,  no  small  as  to  be  worth  practically 
nothing  at  all.  and  gave  one  to  each  of 
his  school- fellows  at  tea  time.  In  this 
nay  every  Ixiv  got  just  sufficient  cake  to 
make  him  angry  that  there  Mas  no  more, 
while  Al.KKKD  himself  Mas  content  with 
the  buttered  pa]M-r  and  the  approval  ol 
tin-  Master,  who,  having  countermanded 

the  eggs  previously  ordered  for  lea. 
uarmly  pr.ii-.-d  his  conduct. 

Mow  different  Ma- that  of  Ri  rut  I  '  This 
^rr.-.lv  lad.  -atistied  a-  to  the  excellence 
of  Alfred'-  cake,  xvithdrew  with  his  into 
a  lonely  S|MI|.  where.  I  lilu-h  to  six.  he 
consumed  it  all  himself.  The  re-ull  of 
this  xvas  that  lie  Mas  enableil  to  |.nr-ue 
his  studies  xxith  such  increa-.-d  i-nergy 
that  all  his  friends  compliment. -d  him 
ll|>oii  tin-change  ;  moreover,  having  now 
ac.juire  I  a  distaste  for  the  inferior  cake 
sold  at  enormous  profit  in  the  school 
tuck  shoji.  he  Kived  his  M.i'kly  |H>nnieM 
for  the  benighted  heathen,  and  in  short 
li.i-.imi- a  pattern  for  all  who  knew  him. 

.W.'/'.i/.  Ne\er  le.ive  t-,  other-  \x hat 
\..i|  can  do  xoursclf. 

III.     JASK. 

•  UsK  was  a  little  girl  xvho  had  i>ne 
grave  fault  ;  slie  was  sadly  fond  of  her 
own  way.  Her  Papa,  willing  to  read  her 


JANUARY  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


87 


yr  juiTi. 
Mosrt  MI:.WII>  'f 
RfC«tr  10  DEMf 
M  ii  u    iHii  MAN- 
NtKt  WITH    inriB 

MOST   (LCVtRt 


MR.    PUNCH'S    PAGEANTS.     STRATFORD-ON-AVON.     No.    I. 

"  YE  MAYOR  OF  STRATTF.FORD  KOTO  PRESENT  YE  FREEDOM  OF  TE  BOROUGH  TO  MASTER  WILL  SHAKSPEARE.     TIIATTE  MASTER  WILL  DID 
AT  YE  MOMENT  OCCUPIE  TE  ToWSE  "  STOCKE8  "  FOR  SOME  LIGHT-HEAIiTEDE  MISDEMEANOCRE  DID  LEND  A  CERTAIN  IRONIE  TO  YE  FESTIVE  OCCA8"." 


a  lesson  in  this,  once  said  to  her,  "  To- 
morrow, my  dear  JANE,  is  your  birthday, 
and  on  it  you  shall  if  you  please  do 
exactly  whatever  you  like,  without  hind- 
rance from  Mama  or  myself." 

"  Thank  you,  dear  Papa,"  replied  JANE, 
"that  will  be  very  pleasant."  So  she 
set  to  work  to  decide  what  she  should 
do,  while  Papa  went  out  to  purchase  a 
bottle  of  noisome  but  reformatory  medi- 
cine, of  which  he  foresaw  that  there 
would  shortly  be  considerable  need. 

On  the  following  morning  as  soon  as 
it  was  light  JANE  rang  her  bell  violently, 
and  having  by  this  means  disturbed  the 
entire  household,  she  ordered  a  sub- 
stantial breakfast  in  her  room  at  10.30, 
and  composed  herself  for  the  enjoyment 
of  several  additional  hours  of  refreshing 
slumber.  When  she  came  downstairs 
Papa  asked  if  she  intended  to  visit  the 
forbidden  pond,  "  in  which  case,"  said 
he,  "  we  should  save  time  by  putting 
blankets  to  the  fire  at  once." 

To  this,  however,  JANE  replied  that 
nothing  should  induce  her  to  risk  her 
birthday  upon  so  dangerous  a  pastime, 
adding  that  she  had  instead  engaged  an 
electric  coupe  for  a  round  of  the  principal 


toy-shops  in  company  with  her  friend 
CLEMENTINE,  a  child  of  Low  Manners 
with  whom  her  parents  had  strictly 
forbidden  her  to  associate.  Accordingly 
the  little  girls,  having  spent  the  morning, 
and  much  else,  in  this  agreeable  fashion, 
lunched  together  at  an  expensive 
restaurant,  and  were  afterwards  so 
fortunate  to  secure  by  telephone  two 
returned  stalls  for  the  matinee  at  Drury 
Lane.  They  reached  home  however  in 
excellent  time  for  dinner  (personally 
ordered  by  JANE  from  a  reliable  caterer's) 
and  concluded  the  evening  with  a 
Surprise  Party,  of  which,  though  the 
party  was  JANE'S,  the  surprise  unques- 
tionably belonged  to  Papa. 

Altogether  the  day,  which,  including 
purchases  and  motor-hire,  stood  Papa 
in  a  matter  of  one  hundred  and  fifty 
pounds,  passed  off  without  the  slightest 
hitch,  while  for  JAXE  it  provided  an 
object  lesson,  which  she  never  after- 
!  wards  forgot,  of  the  admirable  results 
which,  with  ordinary  prudence,  may  be 
attained  by  little  girls  who  are  allowed 
to  have  their  own  way  in  everything. 

Moral. — Don't  make  generous  offers 
unless  you  're  sure  they  '11  be  declined. 


A  RONDEAU  OF  POPP. 

[Mr.  JACOB  I.  Porp,  tobacconist  and  news- 
agent, of  High  Wycombe,  who  was  fined  2«.  M. 
and  5«.  costs  on  Saturday  for  keeping  his  shop 
open  on  a  Sunday,  has  now  been  fined  266 
times  for  this  offence. — Daily  Paper,  Jan.  21.] 

DEAR  JACOB  POPP, — When  themes  are  few, 
And  all  the  papers  reek  with  rot, 

One  item 's  always  fresh  and  new  - 
That  fine  you  pay  upon  the  spot ! 

The  hobby  you  indulge  in,  true, 
Has  cost  you  up  to  now  somewhat 
Dear,  JACOB  POPP  ; 

Yet,  sad  indeed  would  be  our  lot 
If  your  exploits  were  lost  to  view, 

But  happily  the  law  cannot 
Within  a  prison-dungeon  you, 

Dear  JACOB,  pop ! 


["  This  raises  the  question  of  the  actual 
birthday  of  CHARLES  WESLEY,  which  is  recorded 
on  the  Abbey  memorial  as  108,  whereas  in  the 
Dictionary  of  National  Biography  it  is  attri- 
buted to  the  present  year." — Leicester  Daily 
Post.] 

WE  have  no  hesitation  in  saying  that 
neither  is  right.  Guess  again. 


-- 


NTH.  oil   THK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


AFRICA   JIM. 
Tmt  Liox-Kam's  Stove. 

o/  I** 


P 


Ax  I  fon«l  tended  Vm 

nigh  iK 
And  wvrr  lnii"iwf  in  my  lift-tin*-  'avc  fell  I1  <""'  •• 


["here'"  « 

\Vi,,.,.  i.  n.  nun  .  and  e 

.. 

'in  Mir.>  it  '^:v  ]M.-im,-  warnin1.  «...  l»i  i  .  if  you  love  little  (UTt 
lit  thenn-at  l.ruti-  mndeinni^l  by  the  Ottv'nOTS,  880  pOiaOMd 

" 


Anil  that's  why   they  cotton   I"  me.  Sir!     They're   smil'm' 

now,  lovin'  and  sweet ! 
Look  at  that  one  a-lickin'  'is  kisser,  'e  knows  'no  to  look  to 

for  meat ! 
Are  they  fierce?    I-or  blew  yer  kind  'eart,  Sir    I  <1  a  little 


in'  right  slap  bang  inside 


• 
Who  used  to  go  each 

•lie  cage! 

She  'ad  a  particiler  fav'rit.     Yus,  "  Africa  Jim  "  was  the  one. 
Lor!     'Ow  she  would  fondle  and   )>et  'im,  and  pull  out  'is 

ni! 
Well  >  wn»  a  hut  'un,  1  own  it     '<•  'd  often  get  regular  wild. 


Hut  V-'d  calm  down  and  purr  like  a  kitten  on  Varin'  the 

voice  of  that  child' 
'E'd  anmrtimca  get  tcarin'  the  others,  that  vicious  ><mn>; 

African  otib, 
Then  K»tir.    -h.-  d  Wture  an'  scold  'ini,  an'  make 'im  go 

abort  with  'in  grub ! 
And.  »Vl|.  me.  I  firmly  believe,  Sir,  that  brute  understood  all 
• 
e  'd  'owl  like  a  two-legged  Christian  when  she  said  — 

igbty  boy,  go  • 
Well.  Km  i  -i  in  order,  and  trained  'im  for  days 

upon  ilajm 
Till  Africa  Jimmy,  the  Savage, tamed  round  and  fair  mendexi 

•iewa.ni! 
Till  01  .lack  night  in  November    ah !  the  scene 

con.- 
I  «t  in  my  snug  little  parlour,  aside  of  the  hearth,  will 

me  v 

And  the  thunder  waa  roarin'  that  night,  Sir,  in  a  war  I  ahal 
r 

ng  wn*  vivid  and  bright,  Sir,  and  the  rain 
waa  moat  wonderful  wet. 

Id  was  supposed  to  be  aleepin'  all  coir  and  safe  in  V 
1  - 
When  ••  to  me  of  n  -  1  in  accents  of 

lurea  me  at  all,  dear,  just  humour  a 
motherly  whim, 
And  il 


"fa  i-un  >><<j  I 


in  the  l<x>k  nf  'i- 

,. 
"\<  >* 


)wf,.:  late! 


tut  1 


at  Vr  f.-.H-.  Ilk.-  a  block  'end,  as  I  deeply  r. 
M  .lay. 
\,,,1  I  .  .in'  and   kind-likr  .  "Bfc*  nerrOOl 


a\va> 


' 


I  ill. 
Int   1   -I,.|,|H-.|.     What    was  that     graciona   hi  lhal 

i          'card  il  afore  ! 
With  the  sound  ,,f  the  wind  and  th.-  thunder,  iher.-  mingled 

•  .Id  Jim's  Mill,  n  rosir! 
My   wife  wellni^h    fainted   with    terror,   l.ut    1    dashed   as    if 

mad  up  the  stair 
I'o  the  r.».m  of   my  dear  little  KM  if.     O'orn.r!    the  ehdd 

\\a-n't  li 

Then  I  saw  i  .n  a  tal.le  afore  me  a  ha-lily  scrawled  little  i 
With  a  feverish  eye  1  ]  .  i  n-.'d  it      an'  this  i,  what  KMII:   had 

wrote  : 
'IVar   Haddy.ii.  .  'd   IK-   frightened,   I  '\e  just    writ 

words  I- 
We've    IM-.-II    and    forgot    alto^etluT   to    fee,!    i  i'. 

to-day. 

to  s.ivc'   you    the  tmuhle     and  1  hope   l.y   the 

time  tin 
I'll   have  slip]Xil   out    the   Lack  way  and  fed  VIH.  and   .-vifely 

n'turne<l  to  my  1" 
And  it  seems  to  me  strange  at  this  minute     though  1  didn  t 

much  care  at  the  time 
I'o  think  as  the  pix>r  little  darlin'  should  come  t-  'am  writ   it 

in  rhyme.) 
<ih.  the  Litter  remorse  o'  that  moment  !   The  dear,  thoughtful 

kiddie  was  right. 
With  a  scream  like  the  cry  of  a  Parrot,  I  hurried  out  int..  the 

night  ! 

Well,  1  tfot  over  'ere  in  a  jiffy      and  then  t.  .  the  truth  I  awoke 
When    1    saw  that   the   t-atfe   there   was  empty,   the    Lars   all 

n-twisted  and  broke. 
Then  1  runs  to  the  keeper's  snug  quarters.  1   knock-  n| 

Stout  'carted  mat- 
All'   we  all   went   as"  Hrit  Uriea  Jit 

our  fates  ! 


And  wo  found   'im  down   there  by  the  nnak-  md   the 

l".k  .  .f  r- 
Told   a  lot     l.ut  not   nearly  so  mueh.  Sir,  a-f  his   wisilile  in- 


JANUARY  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


89 


Angler.  "  HANO  IT  !     Is  THERE  A  DRY  SPOT  IN  THIS  BOAT  WIIEBE  I  CAN  STRIKE  A  MATCH  ?  " 
Boatman  (who  luu  loen  disappointed  as  regard*  refreshment).  "  TBT  MY  TBBOAT,  SIB  !  " 


"  Mates,"  I  cried,  "  what 's  to  do  ?    What 's  your  sentence  ?  "  i  And  I  thinks,  as  I  gazed  on  'is  carcis,  "  as  sure  as  I  knows 

And  they  all  as  one  man,  in  one  breath  •  my  own  name, 

Gasped  out,  in  one  tone,  at  one  moment,  the  one  monisillible  1 1  knows  what  that  animal  died  of — combined  indigestion  and 


"Death!" 
And  one  of  'em  gives  me  a  rifle,  and  whispers,  a-hissin'  like, 

"  Shoot ! " 
An'  I  fair  shook  with  hunger  for  vengeance  as  I  took  careful 

aim  at  the  brute  ! 
Then  a  scream  rang  out  all  of  a  sudden  ;   up  rushed,  as  if 

crazy,  me  wife, 
Flung  her  body  'twixt  mine  and  the  lion's,  and  implored  me 

to  spare  the  brute's  life ; 
"For,"  she  cries,  "I  could  never  a-bear  it,  to  think  as  old 

Jim  should  'ave  died, 
Shot  down  like  a  four-footed  heathen,  with  our  poor  little 

KATIE  inside ! " 
So  I  says,  after  thinkin'  it  over,  "  Well,  mates,  I  must  do  as 

I'm  bid, 
For  you  see,  in  a  manner  of  speakin',  I  'd  be  shootin'  my  own 

'little  kid !  " 
And  they  all  of  'em  answered  "Ay,  ay,  mate,"  and  kicked  up 

uo  end  of  a  fuss 
(They  all  says  "  Ay,  ay  "  at  sich  times,  Sir,  though  in  ornary 

talk  they  says  "  Yus  !  "). 
So  we  locked  'im  that  night  in  the  snake-'ouse  till  we'd 

mended  the  bars  of  'is  cage, 
But  from  that  very  moment  'e  fretted — which  was  strange 

in  a  beast  of  his  age. 

'E  'adn't  no  'eart  to  be  playful,  'o  'adn't  no  taste  for  'is  meat, 
Seemed  to  know  a  kind  mistress  is  better  than  a  short  gas- 

ternouiical  treat ! 
And  when  KATE  'nd  been  missin'  a  fortnight  'o  lay  ou  the 

straw-littered  floor, 
Give  a  sob,  'alf  a  kick  an'  two  tail-wags — an'  Africa  Jim  was 

no  more ! 


shame !  " 


[in-state 


But  just  as  we  'd  made  all  arrangements  for  a  sort  of  a  lion- 
Up  come,  unexpected,  a  pleeceman — and  who  'd  'e  brought 

with  'im  but  KATE  ! 
We  was  fair  mad  with  joy,  you  may  guess,  Sir ;  but  'er  little 

eyes  blinked  and  grew  dim 
When,  with  tears  of  affectionate  sorrow,  she  'card  the  sad 

news  about  Jim. 
And  she  told  us  she  saw  'e  'd  escaped,  Sir,  so  followed  'is 

footprints  that  night 
Till  she  found   'im  a-maulin'  a  burglar,  and  fainted  with 

shock  at  the  sight ! 
An'  the  pleeceman,  who'd  followed  the  burglar,  discovered 

me  poor  little  KATE 
Lyin'  out  by  the  gates  there  unconscious,  in  no  end  of  a 

terrible  state. 
And  they  'd  kep'  'er  a  week  at  the  station — for  when  the  poor 

kiddie  come  to 
They  thought  that  her  mind  was  a-wandriu'  when  she  said 

as  her  home  was  the  Zoo ! 
Poor  Jim  !     Twarn't  the  burglar  as  killed  'im— excuse  that 

effemminit  sob — 
But  the  jemmy  and  lanterns  and  pistols  was  a  trifle  too  much 

of  a  job. 
And  'is  carcis  stands  stuffed  to  this  day,  Sir,  beneath  a  glass 

case  in  the  'all 
Of  KATE'S  lofty  mansion  at  Brixtou,  as  you  'd  see  if  you 

'appened  to  call ; 
For  KATE  's  in  the  circus  perfession — an'  there 's  no  better 

turn  to  be  seen 
Than  the  'ippodronia's  latest  sensation — "  KATIUNA  the  Great 

Lion  Queen." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By 

'Turn,  i*  a  p « •  I  deal  • 

y.  •    } 

tlitn.  boning  about  from  yiie  i 
ikr  a  lire  in  a  bean-fl- 
aking of 

.inning  picture  of  Kngliah  booaea  and  bouw 
ancient  and  modern.     ' 

lYnaiinnti         Mr. 

d  WIU.IAM  HAKVKT  I 

'•A  u 
it.-d.  l.y  a  |  r<-viou«  vngaj 


''( l    1  QO7 


_.  ...  lln-  war  i  and  .la]-.in.     I 

uts  i.f  vi 
tln-lli-.-!  in  its  voyage  fr-iuthe  Baltic,  or  taking 

.-tie  whirll  sh.  1    siipi.  : 

third    personal   diary  i-   a   .lapai 

r.  who.list-ni-tK  preserves  anonymity.     This  enables  him 
ito  with  fuller  freedom,  even  sharply  • 

•lie  inviin-ilile  'i  "'j'ly 

icn, accounts  for  th<,  f  the  Titanic  conflict.    \Vhil-i 

I   ;di  inn   ill   ill-found  .-hips,  with 
.  .-rsarv.  with    di-<-ont.-ii'  and 

It    nothii 
• 

•   left  the  doekyard. 
"f  ei\ili/ 

, 


invitaiii...'  .  i.»v  "..<,.r  .l..Un  i..  Uic-    If  tl..-y  .-.iM  n,,i  «ii.  ilic  tfay  fur  JatK.n   .h.-y  ,-..,,M  -li-  f,-r 

I1*T    \ViM«t«'«     u.  »'    •""'    1-nl    1,,-r.     An  bonr  Wfore  I  Hot  ilLi  Htrui-k  the  first  blow 


IHM;  hly  talking  Uevoluti.m),  and  Anm-B  HAU-M  «   in 

ll 

where  «nr  only   M  i 

I     <-n-\v  ; 
I  Lit  tit-Id 

i  n    f.u  t    ] 
w.-ll  any whfre  and    unywhen 

of     inter*--  and 

v     I  iv    th.- 

way.       Of     whi.h      LL-I      lh.- 
an   nft-tolil    Ktory. 

•erve  aa  a  aami'lf.     Cm-  day. 
when    dining    with    Wium- 
Arihl.ish.ip     Tm 
hinwlf  overtaken  by 
hut  fife-lung  terror,  par 

mimiiiirttl.  "it 

ILL  a  ••"     ''•  '-d 


tl.. 


uf  iltf  right  >-i  '•  It 

oooaole  you,"  Haiti    the 
next  to  whom  be  waa 

:i.iw  that   it  wan 
|wi  were  |«in«  hint:  " 


aVin.  -.nkin^'     the 

llu.— i.m      ll.i-l     ant-lio: 
I'ort     Arthur    serein-ly 
.  furlual 


-.  I     off 

J  war. 

tin-     divisional     Commander 
-ummoiied     the     Captai' 
tin-    .lap;^ 

;ip.  and  explain,  d  I" 
them  the  plan  of  tin-  attaek. 
••  I  do  noi  eoii-ider  it  necea- 

-arv."    he    added     l.y     \' 
liiiul    word,    "to   remind    you 
that  no  I  mil.  even  if  dai. 
niii.-t    fall    into   the   hat. 
the   eiii-my.         Nor    did 
The  i-r.-ws  of  maimed 
went    down    with    them,   amid 
exultant  shout 


Mr.   Vivrvr    ItoiWK    i- 

•   of   |«iw<Tful  trap'  I    - 


THE 


I 


f.iney  he  haa  been  r.dl-  d 
Tiii.Mi-   l\\u>\.   lint  he  U  not   that    by  a  Ion. 
Slill,    f.«-   thuae  who   liko    |..w.-rful   Morion    (full   of 
emotiuoa)  here   u  a  good  one     I',  nut  uml  tlir   U'uoJman, 

I  nfortiinatt-ly  Mr.   liimwx  giv«is 
ui>  a  1  •  relief  now  and   thon  in  tin-  shape  of 

tbr    n.  .«in-    ><•••<'.      '1'hi-x-    arc     tin1 

drran«-M    r-  .i^ui.il.le.    thoiixh    |H-rlia|>i*    Mr.    i 

mmns    tin  ;   •  .d    of  journ.-ilist't. 

liiini»iir.      I!-  mi  :   Imt  I  would  iniirh 

s«'Vfiitli   and  •  i«hi 
.-re  in  rather  a  gt»»l   \n-ar.  Mr.   (  IH 


ncrv 


Tin-     latest     Vulllllic     ill     lln1 
"  Highway-     and     H\ 
Series"     Highway*   «!<• 
icayt  !••-    .1.    K 

tliat    it  lia-  "i 

sion,    is    a    \.-ry    i-nicrtaiiuiiK 

!l'l    .nlliiil.iM-' 

Hut    this  diiii--  •  nnu~. 

Mr.    VlKCSKT    know-     hi-     i.'imtry    well.    kii(-\v-< 
name-    well.  kn..ws    it-    literature   well.     K'  —  i|-    I'le.i-anilv 
and  with  authority  mi    T»r  ami   tin-   \\hitc   II 

1'i-i/r.i     Ay"   and    LinilMiiini.    -Miss    >liii"iti'   and 
Villay.  the    leknield    Way   and    tin-   lliv\    \V,  • 
no       KH!    inn   and    im  x1""'  •""'    >'''    ''"  ; 


APPROVED   LANGUAGE"  RECORDER 
IT  HAT  mult  ix  »mi  rnr.  TAXIMETER. 


tendile  .  cunt    axain-t    him-    ilia-  rd»-    th'1 

niaglliln  >  lit    maii-ii'ii  and    i-lale-cl    the    Mend"  rk-' 

I'-  '!•>      thai  was  the  i|in-<ti»n  ;  and  In-  an-\'  • 
il  in*  the  iiriiaiixi-.     <  '.  Mr.  Vis.  i  \i  ! 


' '  W  V  M  I  I . 


More   Military  Economy, 

i  niinlrx ,    small    l.inulv . 


.id  1 


Mr   WM  M>\ 


•  i-  M.iil    w.-   have    ini— ed    l.r 

i.ni-d     il-    l'-ader    | 

n    Miin     1  e    <'f    the    well-klK'' 

u-  i"   tin-  1'i-ii .•'in" ulli   /-.YcHi'm/    N 

"  II. \  >VT  PM 

H.IVilllt." 


FKHKI  \KY  6,  190".] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


91 


GOING    IT! 

Site.  "  AFTER  THIS,  WHAT  DO  yon  SAY  TO  A  JAUNT  ON  ONE  OF  THE  NEW  TUBES  ? ' 


THE  BAR  ON  STRIKE. 

The  /Votammists.— The  "L.A.R.F."— 

the  "  Legal  Artistes  Representative 
Federation,"  an  alliance  of  barristers, 
expert  witnesses  and  court  hands. 

The  "  J.J.P.A."—  the  "Judicial  Jokers 
Protection  Association,"  an  alliance  of 
judges  and  magistrates. 

DIARY  OF  THK  WAR. 

Feb.  8.— The  "L.A.R.F."  decide  to 
demand  : — (1)  equal  joking  rights  with 
the  Piench  ;  IL'1  equal  prominence  in  law 
reports  to  their  own  jokes  and  those 
of  the  1  tench;  (3)  a  "barring  clause" 
of  a  maximum  5s.  or  two  days  for 
"contempt  of  Court." 

/•''•/i.  !). — They  present  their  "  Charter  " 
to  Judge  S.MYI.Y  and  demand  point- 
blank  acceptance  of  it.  Judge  SMYI.Y 
3  to  he  liar-beaten. 

/•'<•/,.  10.  .Meeting  of  the  "J.J.P.A.," 
presided  over  by  the  Lord  Chief  Joker. 
The  Hencli  resolves  to  "stand  pat" 
and  light  wig  to  wig  against  the 
"L.A.R.F." 

Feb.  11. — General  Strike  declared. 
Judge  SMYLY'S  Court  picketed  by  Mr. 

'  .\\XII. 


RUTHLESS  ISAACS,  K.C.,  and  Mr.  DOCKS, 
K.C.,  who  distribute  handbills  calling 
on  the  public  to  freeze  out  Judge  SMYLY'S 
jokes. 

Feb.  12. — The  Bench  engage  a  pro- 
fessional pugilist  to  get  Mr.  DOOKS  in 
chancery. 

Feb.  13.— A  "blackleg"  barrister  is 
snowballed  in  the  Strand  and  blackballed 
in  Pall  Mall. 

Feb.  14. — Mr.  PLOWDEN  sits  on  the 
Bench  with  Judge  SM  YLY  to  render  jocular 
assistance  if  required. 

l-\'b.  15.— The  "L.A.R.F."  issue  a 
manifesto  stating  that  the  "  star "  Bar 
artistes  are  fighting  for  the  rights  of 
their  weaker  brothers,  and  asking  the 
public  to  stay  away  from  the  Courts 
until  the  "  Charter "  is  signed  by  the 
"J.J.P.A." 

Feb.  l6.—Tlie  Daily  Bail  prints  a 
pageful  of  letters  from  representative 
readers,  among  them  the  following: — 

Sir  A.  Kckewlch  (Chancery  BeneJi). — 
"  Am  supporting  the  '  J.J.P.A.'  on 
principle,  but  do  not  remember  ever  to 
have  heard  a  joke  in  my  Court." 

"  An  Usher." — "  The  way  we  are  sup- 
pressed is  something  cruel.  The  other 


day  I  no  more  than  said  :  '  Silence  for 
the  Master  of  the  Roley-Polies ! '  when 
I  was  dropped  down  on  like  a  ton  of 
hot  Collins." 

Feb.  17.— The  "  L.A.R.F."  engage  the 
Court  Theatre  and  put  on  a  screamingly 
funny  breach  of  promise  case  with  an 
absolutely  "star"  cast. 

Feb.  19.— The  Bench  retaliate  by 
engaging  Mr.  G.  B.  SHAW  as  expert 
witness  at  the  New  Bailey. 

Feb.  20.— Packed  Court  to  hear  a 
murder  case  with  expert  evidence  by 
Mr.  SHAW.  Roars  of  laughter  from 
start  to  finish.  Evening  papers  make 
hay. 

Feb.  21. — Influx  of  young  barristers 
from  the  Highlands,  the  West  of  Ireland 
and  the  Wilds  of  Wales  to  fill  the  vacant 
places  left  by  the  strikers. 

Feb.  22. — A  prominent  K.C.  secedes 
from  the  "  L.A.R.F."  He  is  ducked  in 
Pump  Court. 

Feb.  29. — President  ROOSEVELT  pro- 
poses a  Peace  Conference.  The  KAISER 
at  once  telegraphs  that  he  will  act  as 
arbitrator. 

Feb.  30. — Arbitration  agreed  to.  Extra 
large  size  of  relief  from  all  concerned. 


EASY. 

A  LBOEXD  or  BOCRSEMOUTH. 
__t  once  was  a  moke  that  drew  a  chair, 
And  the  name  of  the  moke  WAS  / 

tml  wasmattrd  with  thick  grey  '. 
Wherever  it  hadn't  been  rubU-d  quite  bore, 

And  hi»  wind  was  a  trill.-  wh.-e/y. 
This  moke  did  duty  in  Bournemouth  town, 
When  the  hills  go  up  and  the  slopes  go  down  ; 
And  he  drew  a  chair,  as  I  said  before, 
On  tho  cliff  that  edges  the  Bournemouth  shore. 

There  never  was  anything  patienter 

In  life  or  in  song  or  story 
Than  this  same  Easy,  who  wouldn  t  stir 
I'nltm  his  proprietor  laced  his  fur, 

Mis  fur  which  was  thick  and  hoary. 
It  was  "  Get  up,  carn't  yer,"  and  "  Stir  your  stumps 
And  "  Now  we  're  off,"  and  "  Wlmt-ho.  she  bumps ! 
Ami  "  Kxcuse  me.  mum,  if  I  made  too  free, 
Hut  the  donkey  '11  be  the  death  o'  me." 

Hi-  might  have  been  eight  or  nine  or  U>n, 
Hi-  might  have  been  twelve  or  twenty  ; 

For  none  of  us  knew  precisely  when 

He  first  swam  into  tho  ken  of  men, 

Hut  we  judged  that  his  years  were  plenty. 

His  ey«  were  luminous,  large  and  meok, 

And  his  nose  was  soft  as  a  young  girl's  cheek  ; 

And  his  ears  he  waggled  them  to  and  fro, 

And  his  pace  was  a  mile  an  hour  or  so. 

He  refused  to  follow  the  ways  of  ants, 

Who  never  put  in  a  rest-day  ; 
And  his  owner  was  garbed  in  a  pair  of  pants 
(He  was  one  of  the  oldest  inhabitants) 

Tliat  liad  managed  to  see  their  In-st  day  : 
In  frayed  old  panUt,  and  a  gaberdine, 
The  raggedest  robe  that  was  ever  seen, 
And  a  purple  face,  and  a  thing  that  sat 
Aakew  on  his  head  and  was  called  a  hat. 

He  liked  his  fares  to  be  thin  and  light, 

This  moke  as  he  went  a-chairing ; 
And  then,  when  the  Bournemouth  sun  shone  bright 
On  the  sands,  the  sea  and  the  Isle  of  Wight, 

He  started  out  for  an  airing : 
He  started  out,  but  he  soon  stopped  dead, 
And  I  can't  repeat  what  his  owner  said  ; 
And  the  fare  observed,  "  It 's  a  shame  to  baste 
A  beast,  but  you  see  he  won't  make  haste." 

So  matters  went  on  till  one  fine  day, 
When  there  wasn't  a  cloud  in  hcnven, 

With  his  harness  polished  and  bright  and  gay, 

The  moke  came  round  in  the  usual  way 
At  a  little  before  eleven. 

And  he  stood  at  the  door  and  waited  there, 

With  hii«  chair  prepared  for  a  lady  fare; 

And  hi*  head  was  drooped  and  his  forelegs  brut, 

Like  Patience  upon  a  monument. ' 

a  voice  said,  "  Thi*  is  the  •!.  -nkey  ?    Law ! 

u  think  he  ran  really  il»  it ''.  " 
And  /•.'<!»>/  he  turni-d  hi*  h'-.ui  ami  saw 
A  sight  that  struck  on  his  heart  with  awe — 

moke  could  have  cotton^l  to  it 
the  figure  that  stood  at  the  Pent'wn  door 
Was  a  lady  of  tw.-nty  stone  or  it; 

1  what  with  her  nigs  and  wraps  and  that 
She  certainly  seemed  to  !•••  far  u»>  fat. 


The  lady  advanced  to  occupy 

The  chair  :   sh--  w.is  "U  '>»'  '"  '' 
"When.  1...  with  a  tympanum-piercing  cry. 

The  n,,,ke  from  the  door-step  BeeBM  to  Hj 

In  le-s  than  a  .purler  minute. 
The  miii'l  of  the  1,.  "ii  made  up, 

For  the  l...k  of  the  la.ly  ha.l  tilled  his  cii|,; 
And  lief.  '>'  -':ick  liol'i" 

The  donkey  and  chair  and  all  w. 

And  away  and  away  and  away  he  Hew, 
While  his  owner  after  him  sliutlled  ; 
And  ii|>  the  hill  like  a  Hash  he  drew 
Hi-  i-hair  with  a  ]>aee  completely  new, 
his  feelings  were  sadly  rullle«l. 
And  faster  and  faster  along  the  Hat 
1 1,  sped  to  escape  the  lady  fat, 
Till  he  came  to  the  edge  of  the  cliff,  and  then 
Went  over,  and  never  was  seen  again. 


And  still,  when  the  nights  are  wild  and  chill, 
And  the  furious  winds  are  shrieking, 

The  ghost  of  a  donkey  scales  the  hill 

At  a  break-neck  |.ace'with  a  cry  that  's  shrill, 
And  his  chair  comes  after  him  creaking. 

And  men  say  this  is  the  very  one 

Who  lied  from  a  lady  of  twenty  stone  ; 

Who  had  never  in  all  his  life  gone  fast. 

Till  he  sighted  her  hulk  and  went  at  la-t  ! 


B.C.L. 


"WILLIAM  BAKER":  THK  XKW  PARLOUS  GAME 
"  WILLIAM  BAKF.U"  is  simple  and  inexpensive,  yet  full  of 
genuine  healthy  excitement.  It  can  lie  played  with  i  .....  ley, 
nuts  or  war  'medals.  Those  who  object  on  principle  to 
large  stakes  may  even  use  confetti. 

To  start  the  game,  the  following  advertisement  is  put  in  a 
paper:—  "Will  the  relatives  of  the  late  WII.I.HM  B\M'lt.  who 
died  between  the  years  1890  and  I'.MMi,  kindly  communicate 
.  _?  [here  supply  full  name  and  addre—  ot  the 


__   .    _ 

promoter  of  the  game]  and  they  may  hear  of  somethi; 
their  advantage." 

r  obvious  reasons  it  is  advisable  to  advertise  early. 

With  the  aid  of  the  following  rules  any  intelligent 
.and    -William    Haker  "    appeals    peculiarU     1 
intelligence)  may  grasp  the  principles  of  the  game. 

The  players  having  assembled  (this  is  an  essential  point) 
all  the  letters  (unopened)  are  dealt  round,  with  the  e\.vption 
of  twenty  one  which  form  a  pool. 

The  first  player  (usually  a  lady)  then  opens  her  top  enve- 
lope and  rails  oilt  in  a  clear  voice   the  degr  ......  f  relationship 

which  the  writer  claims  to  the  late  W.  11.      Having  don, 
she  neatly  tears  her  letter   a.-ro-s.  and   all   the  other  pi 
pay  her  her  .-core.     She  is  followed  by  the  gentleman  on  her 
right,  who  plays  hi-  top  envel,,|  .....  xactly  in  the  same  manner. 

Widows  ami    Birth  (Vrtitiratcs  entitle  a   p! 
draw  one  letter  from  the  pool. 

The  scoring  is  as  follows  :  — 

Widows  ..........................................  count 

Brothers  and  Si-'. 


I'.iilltB. 

7 


Sons  and  Daughters „ 


1-t  ( 'iiusins 

once  or  more  removed 

L'nd.    ,",rd   and   -Ith   ('.nisi us,   whether  ro- 

movi-d  or  still  then'  

( 'ou-ius  of  .'th  or  greater  jKiwer  

Those   who  claim  to  have  lent  the   late 

W.  B.  money , 

Solicitors    


-  r> 
-10 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  6,  1907. 


SHADOWED  ! 

OR,  THE    TEMPTATION  OF  ARTHUR. 
"IF  I  WAS  ONLY  SURE  NO   ONE   WAS  LOOKING— I'D  THROW  THE   WRETCHED  THING  OVER!" 


FEBRUARY  C,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


95 


CHARIVARIA. 

Tin-:  HOME  Sin HKIAIIY  and  the  police 
authorities  have  been  attacked  for 
allowing  an  innocent,  man  to  remain 
in  prison.  Hut  justice  demands  that 
it  should  lie  rein  em  he  red  that  a  large 
number  of  guilty  persons  are  allowed 
to  remain  out  of  prison. 

A  gentleman  who  has  been  reading 
about  the  preliminaries  of  the  Thaw 
trial  asks  whether  a  Talesman  is  the 

same  tiling  as  a  Storyteller:    or  simply 
means  a  Monke\ . 


It  is  feared  that  the  title  of  Mr.  CYRIL 
MUI>E'S  new  theatre,  The  Playhouse, 
may  cause  it  to  be  confused,  in  the 
minds  of  country  cousins,  with  the 
House  of  Commons. 


A  correspondent  inquires  whether 
the  Urania  Society  is  the  Music  Hall 
Stars'  Union. 

Mr.  TREE  desires  it  to  be  known  that 
there  is  no  truth  in  the  statement  that 
has  been  made  public  in  a  London 
paper  that  he  contemplated  appearing 
at  a  Music  Hall.  The  assertion  that  he 
intruded  to  take  the  part  of  HARRY 
I  AIDER  during  the  strike  was  thought 
improbable  by  many  persons. 

A  proposal  put  forward  at  the  Labour 
Party's  Conference  in  favour  of  organis- 
ing a   party  with   the  ultimate  object 
of  overthrowing  the  present  competitive 
system  and  establishing  public  owner- 
ship was  defeated,  as  Mr.  KEIR  HARDIE 
said   it  would   be  an   error  to   impose 
i  Socialism  on  an  unprepared  people.     It 
j  is    good    to    think    that    our   masters, 
i  though  strong,  are  also  humane. 


The  theft  of  metal  from  Chatham 
Dockyard  is  now  confirmed.  It  seems 
too  bad  that  when  the  members  of  the 
Cabinet  lie  awake  all  day  thinking 
how  they  may  save  a  few  pounds  for 
the  nation,  even  at  the  risk  of  weaken- 
ing the  Navy  and  the  Army,  they  should 
be  baulked  in  this  way. 


A  Metropolitan  Magistrate  has  declared 
that  a  monkey  has  as  much  right  to  usi 
the  pavement  as  a  man.  This  decision 
will  anyhow  obviate  the  many  vexed 
questions  of  classification  which  would 
have  arisen  had  the  contrary  view  been 
held. 

Humility  has  never  been  the  leading 
national  feature  of  the  Welsh.  Yet  Tin 
Kuiitli  Wales  Echo,  after  stating  that  the 
ice  at  Newport  was  "about  two  miles  ir 
thickness,"  made  no  boastful  comment 
but  modestly  added  that  it  was  "per- 
fectlv  safe." 


A    FAITH    CURE. 

Fond  Mnthei .   "  ARE   YOU    FEELING   BETTER  NOW,   DARLING  ?  " 

Small  7ioi/.  "  YES,  FANK  TOD,  MUMMY.    NCFFIX'  I.IKE  A  BUS  Fon  A   HEADACHE.    A  BIO  BUN. 
LITTLE  ONES  ARE  NO  GOOD." 


The  Roman  Catholics  of  Brazil  have 
presented  the  POPE  with  a  volume  bound 
in  solid  gold  and  studded  with  diamonds 
and  emeralds,  and  Ttie  Times  cheap 
book  movement  is  considered  to  have 
received  a  serious  set-back. 


The  fact  that  some  Roman  pavement 
has  been  discovered  at  Colchester  re- 
minds us  that  much  of  the  pavement 
in  certain  districts  of  London  is  dis- 
gracefully old.  

The  h't'iulci;  the  other  day,  contained 
an  inquiry  from  a  correfipondejit  as  to 
how  to  become  a  Flat  Porter.  The 
answer  will  surely  be  supplied  by  a 
motor-car  ? 


Occasionally  one  is  left  thinking. 
This  is  the  position  in  which  we  found 
ourselves  after  reading  the  opening 
sentence  of  the  article  on  Hridge  in  a 
recent  issue  of  The  We*tminxti-r  <t<r.<-tt<-. 
It  said: — "My  correspondent  Mr.  E. 
Coi  HAND  ....  writes  to  me  saying  that 
I  am  wrong  in  thinking  that  a  ruhlxT 
is  not  played  in  nearly  such  a  short 
time  as  one  would  suppose."  Help  ! 


Man  -.'!'.  with  fivr  years'  ioc|«Tipnr<> 
in  leading  I'liMNIirrs.  desires  to  belK-'r  liin 
position.'  1'itliliflifrn'  <  "in-tilnr. 

HIT  what  better  position  coull  there 
be  than  that  of  leading  our  pxiblishers? 
It  is  what  even  Mr.  HOOVER  cannot  do.  > 


M 


1'!  NTH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CM.MMV.MU.  [¥n*un  6.  1907. 


A   TRAP 
MB.  POMS/I 


FOR 


..  . . 


tbe 


Except  for  this  mania  for  receiving 
twopence,  porters  are  .juite  nice  f.-ll..w.- 
who  always  aay  "  Hy  you:  i-<  f. -p 

your  tOCS  to  |.iwderor  nicking 
little  piixi*  out  of  \oiir  I 

'I'ln-  teniimi  of  bunion  are  very  differ 
cut    in    character.     Charing    (W 
example,    is    restless;    St.   Pancras    is 
.   !,!-        l,.nd,,n     Itridge    is    filK- 

i    every    tr.iin    .suggests    that    it 


i- 


and    complacent  ;    I.iverpnol    Str.-et 
bourgeois  and  anxious.     Victoria—  bat 


CaurnaXXL 

ThtOrral  Termini. 

."  von  most  understand,  is 
plural  of  "terminus."  No  geotle- 
aays  "  terminuses,"  just  as  no  lady 
omnibL"  These  are  the  6ne  shades 
of  London  culture,  which  you  will  have 
to  acquire  if  yon  are  to  mix  with  tin 
haul  ton  SB  one  of  th""^"""-  "f  Victoria  it  is  not  too  proper  to  speak, 

Terminus  means   the    end.      King's  for  it  is  from  this  terminus  that  trains 
Cross,  far  example,  is   the   end   of   the  go  to   Brighton.     In    short,   Victoria  is 
CJreal  Northern.     However  long  you  sit  the  station  for  thick  veils 
in   the  train    after 
arriving  at  that 
station,  you  will  not 
be    carried    any 
further.    It  is  well 
therefore  to  get  out 
and  take  a  cab  or 
bus. 

You  have  to  guess 
the    TW"    of    the 
terminus  you  are  at, 
because  it  is  i. 
posted  up,  as  it  is 
in  the  case  of  way 
-    :• 
••••"•>'      : 

any  porter  will, 
however,  inform 
you  where  you  are. 
Under  this  sum  no 
porter  will  do  any- 
thing. It  is  not 
that  he  is  not  paid 
by  the  Railway 
Company  which 
employs  him,  but 
that  he  wishes  to 

his  freedom 

1  '  .' 
Show    him    two- 


CH.UTEB  XXIII. 

II  nr  t<>  Travel   Free. 
Then'  an-  only  tlmv  ways  of  travelling 
for   nothing.     <  >ne   is   to  get   under  the 
lint   that    is  flirty.     Another   is  to 
leave  tin1  tr.iin  just  before  it  reach.--  tin- 
ticket  ciill.vliiig    Malion    and    walk     the 
ill.'  way:    but  that    i.-.   danger.  .11-. 
I'll.-     thir.l    way    is     t(. 


is    rich    This  last  is  tin-  ni"-t  popular. 

CluniJt  XXIV. 

Some  SIKH./  Ailrice. 

conclude    with    a 


b't     US 

maxims. 
1.    Wait 


few    mil 


till    the 


On 


pence,  however,  and 
be  ia  your  slave. 
Why  it  is  net 
aary  for  Railway  Companies'  servants  to 
be  paid  twice  over,  no  one  baa  ever 
d;  but  so  it  is.  Ordinary 
such  as  clerks,  editors, 
ministers,  doctors,  are 
only  once;  but  porters  are  paid  twice. 

There  was  once  a  man  who  took  his 
courage  in  both  hands  and  aaked  the 
porter  who  had  put  his  boxes  in  the 
van  to  give  him  a  good  reason 
i  heavy  premium  should  be 
pat  upon  daily  duty.  The  porter  said 
nothing,  and  the  courageous  jisssBngar 
settled  back  in  his  seat,  convinced 
that  he  had  performed  a  j 
vice ;  but  when  he  reached 
lion  he  found  that  his 
bean  left  behind  on  the  plat  form. 


OCR   I.-XTIU'STWOUTHY   AHTIST   IX    I.oNDON. 
A*  Accnox  OF  Amo-n  i.r.rr  BT  PAMOOIRS  in  RAIL* AT  CARIIAOE  HAT-RACKS. 


moral  ia :  Do  as  others  do,  or  you  will 


CHAPTER  XXII. 
Itailiray  Flottam  and  Jetsam. 

There  are  few  persona  who  can  lay  their 
hands  on  their  hearts  and  honestly  say- 
that  they  have  never  left  anything  in  a 
railway  carriage.  Statistics  show  that 
at  one  time  or  another  everything  has 
been  left  in  a  railway  carriage,  from  a 
big  drum  to  marriage  lines,  from  a  baby 
l'i  the  Hneyelopcedia  !trit<iiini<-n.  Tin- 
old  thing  is  that  so  few  of  these  waifs 
and  strays  are  claimed  t 
sale  is  held  for  their  dispersal,  at  which 
the  most  astonishing  bargains  can  In- 
obtained  :  hahin.  for  a  shilling  each,  for 
iple;  umbrellas  five  a  penny  ;  U-k- 


cheaper  than  The  Times  can  do  them  ; 
pianos  at  the  j,n.  e  of  firewood  :  and  so 

forth. 


train  lliis 

important  coiins<-l. 
by  tin-  way.  is 
often  altered,  by 
the  eli-ion  of  the 
tirst  Ic-tter  of 
"tr.iin,"  to  "Wait 
till  the  niin  !-: 

an  adaptation 
which  keeps  car- 
riages in  a  roar. 
No  real  humorist 
ever  travels  without 
a  pocket  knife). 

L'.  If  you  are 
asked  by  a  company 
of  strangers  to  join 
them  in  a  Raine  of 
cards— decline. 

3.  Avoid    foot- 
warmers,   unless 
your  soles  are  made 
of      something 
stronger    than 
leather. 

4.  Don't  pull  the 
cominun  icat  ion- 
cord    without  good 
reason,    or    you  'II 
have  to  pay  a  liver. 

."p.   iKm't  be  sur- 
prised,    when    yon 
do    pull    it,    if    tin- 
train  doesn't  stop. 
berth    to    gentlemen 


C.  Give  a  wide 

with  thimbles,  peas,   and   cards   ill   sets 
of  three. 

7.  If  a  carriage  contains  only  a  young 
man    and   a  young    woman    obviously 
engaged,  choose  another.    May  the  game'. 

And.  above  sH 

8.  Keep   plenty  of   twopeiicvs  ready. 
You  will  ha\e  a  bad  time  if  you  don't. 

(To  be  continued.) 


"  MK.  AI.DF.RT  Mini.  ASF.,  nuth.ir  of  ''Iliere'*  s 

'•  r  littl.-  cliilcln-ii,"  li:ii  just  celebrated 

Ins  .sL'ml  liirtli.by  at  Ni-K|-.rt,  l.\V.,!iy  writing 

a  hirthday  poem,  of  which  the  following  is  one 

"(  ill-  verem:  — 

"  I.1NSKKH    C'OMPOUND    cures    Cotighs 
-  immediate  relief.     '.'&''•  p""' 
—lirutol  l>,i,ly  Mercury. 

\\'}.  like  the  motif,  but  the  metre 
to  us. 


s 


FEBRUARY  C,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


97 


Reporter.  "To  WHAT  DO  YOU  ATTRIBUTE  VOUK  GREAT  AGE?" 

Oldest  Inliabitant.    "1   BAIN'T  SURE   YET,   SlR.      THERE  BE   SEVERAL   O1   THEM   PATENT   MEO'ciNE   COMPANIES   AS   IS    BARGAIN1N1    WITH    HE." 


A  IHNT  TO  CUDGERS. 
(An  Echo  of  "Punch,  brothers,  punch,"  by  Mark  Twain.) 

The  Daily  Express  of  Jan.  29  has  unearthed  a  new 
slang  vocabulary — that  of  the  motor-bus  men.  A  few  such 
flowers  of  speech  are  as  follows  : — 

Rabbit :  an  inside  passenger. 

Monkey  :  an  outside  passenger. 

( lumboil :  a  passenger  who  takes  up  the  room  of  two. 

Pill :  a  passenger  who  goes  the  whole  distance  from  the 
starting  place. 

Cudgor :  a  passenger  who  stops  the  vehicle  when  alighting. 

Tipper  :  an  omnibus  inspector. 

Spot :  a  private  detective  employed  by  the  Company. 

Tintack  :  a  vehicle  that  keeps  in  front  and  takes  all  avail- 
able passengers. 

Up  the  staircase :  a  vehicle  that  lags  behind  another. 

Hutch  :  the  inside  of  the  motor  omnibus. 

To  such  disrespectful  appellations  we  can  only  reply  with 
a  familiar  transatlantic  jingle,  though,  personally,  we  are 
not  in  the  habit  of  cudging,  and  have  hitherto  disapproved 
of  the  practice.  Even  rabbits,  however,  will  turn,  and  may 
some  day,  perchance,  elaborate  a  slang  of  their  own  by  way 
of  self-defence.  Meanwhile,  accompanied  by  the  buzz  of 
the  bus  : — • 

Cudge,  rabbits,  cudge,  cudge  with  care, 
Cudge  if  you  'd  hear  the  conductor  swear ! 
Cudge  if  you  're  a  monkey  coming  down  the  stair, 
Cudge  if  you  're  a  gumboil  with  a  single  fare ! 


Cudge  if  you  're  a  pill, 

Cudge  if  feeling  ill, 

Cudge  if  there  's  a  tipper  come  aboard  your  hutch, 
Cudge  if  you  've  a  game  leg,  cudge  if  you  've  a  crutch ; 
Cudge  if  there  'B  a  tintack  tacking  on  in  front, 
Cudge  if  up  the  staircase  "  Arrows  "  join  the  hunt ! 

Cudge  if  you  're  a  spot, 

Cudge  if  you  are  not ; 
Cudge,  in  fact,   like  anything,  for   sure  you  owe  a 

grudge 
To  the  slangy  motor-bus  men  who  have  coined  the  verb 

"  to  cudge  " 

Cudge,  therefore,  cudge,  and  the  skidders  will  despair, 
And  invent  politer  nick-names,  if  you  cudge  with  care ! 

Our  Financial  Column. 

"  EUSTACE  "  wants  to  know  how  to  li ve  on  nothing  a  day 
for  three  months.  Really,  EUSTACE,  you  must  not  ask  us 
such  riddles  again, — but  seriously  speaking,  why  not  try 
assaulting  a  constable  in  the  execution  of  his  duty  ? 

"HoxTON." — (1).  One  way  of  getting  warm  in  cold  weather 
is  wearing  a  fur  coat. 

Messrs.  SKINNED,  the  well-known  furriers  of  Cheapside  Hill 
(this  is  strictly  between  ourselves  of  course),  are  making  some 
simply  lovely  evening  wraps  which  should  suit  you  down 
to  the  ground.  Of  course  a  fire  would  come  cheaper. 

(2).  STANLEY  HICKS  is  SEYMOUR  BRETT'S  brother;  no,  you 
cannot  tell  them  apart  unless  you  see  them  together. 


THE    LIMIT; 

OB.  OvnOBUD  IS  THE  BOOK-SHOP. 

.\tkatktKntb4gmniUto  Utt  taterpntt  of  "  Tlu  Tim**.") 

«sn  of  recent  and  exceedingly  bully  American  books, 
of  which  The  Dime*  baa  bought  the  sole  rigl  gland . 

are  now  on  view  at  the  Kma  Mwm  rs  to  thu 

.          .       .  .  .     ,     •  •;.-.- 

of  comnanngthe  price*  named  by  The  Dime*  with   those 

orfinanly  charged  for  similar  book,  by   i.ilwn.  of  th, 

Publishers  Trust         

Notable  among  these  books  i  '  «il  directory  <  >f 

Jacksonville,  Mo.  English  readers  may  not  be  aware  that 
there  are  no  fewer  than  thirty  Jacksonville  m  the  1  nited 
States,  but  the  Jacksonville  in  -mention  is  preeminent  by 
reason  of  the  fact  tha  birthplace  of  our  Mr.  J«  R-V 

to  say  nothing  of  tlie  fact  that  iu  stank  manufactures  include 
candv,  pumps  and  windmills,  cigar  IH.X.S.  patent  swings,  and 
flavouring  extracts.  The  population  of  Jacksonville  is  1 

It   has  several  churches,  numerous 


and 


growng. 


banks,  and  a  magnificent  sewage  farm,  a  full  account  of  winch 
will  be  found  in  the  Directory,  copies  of  which,  bound  in  ml 
American  doth,  may  be  had  at  the  l>ime»  thufttm  fur  the 
sacrificial  price  of :.'«.  <W.  each. 

Another  of  these  American  books     and  a  very  interesting 
one     is  the  '.'uufo  of  the  Memphis  and  Charleston 

shville  and  Chattanooga  Railways,  the  intersection  ol 
which  is  one  of  the  most  romantic  features  of  Jackson  County 
in  North-east  Alabama.  As  English  readers  are  doubtless 
aware,  there  are  in  the  I'nited  States  no  fewer  than  2C 
counties  and  little  short  of  200  townships,  called  Jackson 
The  Time-Table*,  which  are  liandsomely  bound  in  paper 
covers,  will  form  a  very  attractive  failure  in  any  gentleman's 
drawing -r>«. m.  Mad  a  member  of  the  Publishers'  Trust 

I  the  English  rights  they  would  certainly  not  have 
been  listed  at  less  than  10*.  Tlte  D'tme*  prices  them  at  6d. 
Mora  than  that,  any  of  these  Time-Tables  may  be  had  on 
appro.  

A  charming  companion  volume  to  JOAQUS  MILLKII'S   \\  '<tl< 
Walker  in  Xieamyua,  is  Hooper  of  Xebratka.  by  JOKI.  K 


ident-.     This,  h-.weM-r.  i-  all  that   N  charged 
•,,r   ,.]  //  .,,-      /       -  '//••     ("irrlr.     l.y     .!  \-l'KH 

3oHEXK.ciM'\    lt"~-,.s.   the  eminent    scientist    of  ,loiie-lx>roiigli, 
fexa-  :"iigh,  it  may  IM-  added,  are 

•lie    undulating  character  of   the 

jround  and   the  structural  a)  "f   ihe  county   lunatic 

isylum.  of  which  1':  .lefnrnan.. 

1«.  L'./.   will   pun!;.--  .1   nice  copy  of  tl,  ie  of  I>ry 

Goods  sold   at    ihe  only   store   in  \Yaltersl, nrg.   an  attractive 
post  hamlet    in    1'ope  County,  111.,  which  contar  two 

boarding-houses,  and   a  mill    for  the   manufacture  of  stock i- 
It  i>  up  to  every  memlicr  of  7V  Ihmfa  lfc>.k  Club  to 
read  this  literary 


MKIIY 

Hooper,  strange  as  it  may  appear,  is  not  the  name 
of  a  man,  but,  as  a  reference  to  Lippineott't  (l<n,n,;-i-  \\.ll 
conclunvdy  prove,  of  a  romantic  village  in  Dodge  County, 
Nebraska.  It  lias  four  churches,  two  banks,  and  a  butter 
and  cheen  factory,  and  must  not  be  confounded  with  Hooper, 
a  post  village  in  \\.i.r  County  in  Utah,  which  is  noted  for 
iu  manufacture  of  soap,  lumber,  marmalade,  and  moss.  Mr. 
Caorrn  writes  with  infinite  gusto,  and  his  chapters  are 

•>-d  with  a  number  of  spirited  skt-U-hes,  rcprodu< 
hektograph,  of  the  leading  citi/ens  .  f   the   netghbourhood. 
The  original  price  of  his  bobk  was  50  uenle :  it  is  now  offered 
••.-.;,.      ...    r.-qg  <•    :  '.  7     10       v>    retired  Admiral 
can  be  really  happy  without  this  top-hob  work 

Among  these  hooka,  again,  are  some  novels  of  transcendent 

.:.--.'  .  '     '.'          '    '  I       "          i     • 


ANNALS  OF   PHYSICAL   UKSKAHCH    <  »N   COMMoX- 
1'LACK   CiiNCLTTlnNS. 

••Tiur   i  «  VH  MI  ;•  ii  I* > H.S." 

THK  lirst  point  in  the  resc-.irch  was  to  di-termine  whether  a 
watched  |  'il  under  the  influence  of  the   naked 

the  example  of   another    well-known    physicist 
1  inentioii   ItAM.i.iiiii   by  naiiieV)  1  made  use  of  simple 
apparatus  com)'o>i-d  of  COIIMMOII  utensils. 

1  p laced  an  ordinary   kitchen  saucepan  containing  '<  ! 
of  water  at  l.V(Ht   C.  a  I  >ove  a  gas  burner  and  noted  the  time 
token  to  reach  100°  C.  when  ebullition  r-hould  set  in. 

1  watched  the  pot  intently,  and  at  the  end  of  18  inins.  48seca. 
was  astonished  to  see  the  water  boil. 

1  then  considered  the  possibility  of  time  aberration  due  to 
various   kinds  of  watching.     1   tabulate  the  time  taken  for 
Killing  in  each  case. 

MANSKR  OF  WATCH i\<;.  TIME  tin.  nuiimov 

l>iiv.-tly  18  mins.  48  sees. 

From  concealed  position    18     „     48     „ 

From  tail  of  eye 18     „     48     ,, 

The  remarkable  agreement  of  these  times  shows  that  the 
luinner  of  watching  is  of  no  conse<|iic]:< 

1  next  determined  the  effects  of  different  kinds  of  sight  on 
he  phenomenon.  Dealing  first  with  defective  Bi^'ht  the 
'ollowing  results  were  obtained,  other  condition*  being  the 
Kline  as  before  : 

KlM.   i.K   sliaiT.  ElPERIMEHTEI.  TlMl  TILL    Kill  M  1 1  loS. 

Long T.  BOWLING,  Esq.,  R.N.   1*  mins.  48  sees. 

Short MYOPIUS  BARNACLE,  Esq.  18     „     48    „ 

(  angle  of  30°  \ 

Scjuint  \      „     „  45°  V   18     „     48    „ 

I      „     „  60°/ 

The  next  kinds  of  sight,  though  al.nonnal,  cannot  be 
described  as  defective. 


HKIUZIBAH 

y  AMOH  SKIUMSHAXKS,  and 
Bottock.  bv  'I'KUOKX  MACIIIEBSO: 


of  a  I'cnitfK 
BiXOS;  In  a  /Vu'tbura  Sa 


Ttu  Kttlhauli 

i  •  1  '\w.-.  -  ii     all    :'  th.  ni  |.iil.li-h.  d  in  America  (it- 

I  abo)  at  ft*. 
named  for  them  by  The  Dimrt    which  makeanoi 

:     •  •  .  i  i  ••••'.  !:•-  ^    i  -:.••!    i 

former  readers  of  these  masterpieces—  is 

To  obtain  an  absolutely  first-class  book  of  recent  scientific 

fr-r  e.inie-t   1m 


KlM'    "t    cli.HT. 

l»oubli  'i^ht 
l-'ar  M«hl 


Sight  taken  by  gutter  urchin,  one  hand 

two  hands 


IAI-I  IIIMLMKH.  TIME  in  i    umiimnv 

TUI-H  .MTvvisii,  K-i|.   ...    IN  mins.  48  sees. 

\V(.|I1|.1V    \\l-l  MVN,    |-.~,(...     IS        ,,          IS       „ 


ia   ..    t>  „ 

1>      ..       is     „ 
•  "plant,    .-how 


Tlies*1     n->uli>.    which     are    extr.-mely 
ih-tinilely  that    a  watch" -d    pot    Ix.ils   under  all   ordinary 
ditions  m  contradiction  to  [K.pnlar  idea,  on  this  Mibject. 

It  is  my  duty  to  thank  thox-  gentlemen  mentioned   in   this 
r  for  the  kind   a^-istance   tiiey  have  afforded    me   in   the 
experiment^  r»  orded. 

Style  in  the  Provinces. 

"  \Vii'  i  calleil  he  was  well-dressed.     He  wore  a 

-ilk  hat  and  leather  leggings." — Xeuxatlle  Evening  Chronicle. 


FEBRUARY  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


99 


TO  THE  AMERICAN  GIRLS. 

MY  loves  (to  use  a  hackneyed  phraae), 
Whose   charm    provoked    an   instant 
passion 

In  one  who  ever  spent  his  days, 
And  not  a  little  ready  cash  on 

The'tribute  proper  to  the  sole  address 
Of  loveliness ; 

Whose  arts  inspired  an  easy  llamr, 
And  primed  a  chest  with  mild  elation, 

When  THEODORE  (my  Christian  name) 
Oozed  from  the  western  raihvaystation, 

And  lightly  boarding  the  electric  car, 
Said  "Here  we  arc  ! " 

There  be  poor  fools,  who  hardly  dare 
To  praise  the  form  that  Beauty'graces ; 

Not  so  this  bard,  who,  though  his  ban- 
Has  ceased  to  sprout  except  in  places, 

Still   perpetrates   the  stickier  kinds  of 

rhyme, 
I'Yoni  time  to  time. 

0  sweet,  as  to  the  female  breast, 
The  charms  of  cheap   but  transient 
blouses ; 

As  to  the  soul  with  drought  oppressed 
The  dream  of  imminent  carouses  ; 

S\\i  et .  as  a  crevice  in  the  explorer's  pants, 
To  hungry  ants  ; 

So  sweet  they  loomed  upon  my  sight, 
Your  easy  ways,  your  natty  figure, 

Your  sweet  insouciance ;  1  was  quite 
(To  turn  a  phrase)  a  finished  nigger, 

Ere  I  could  mutter,  Take,  0  take,  I  pray, 
Those  lips  away. 

Mesdames,  although  'twere  hard  to  say 
Of    what    rare  charms  the  mistress 

each  is 
Speaking  collectively,  I  may 

liefer  to  you  as  "  perfect  peaches," 
Whereon  this  love-bird  pines  (my  heart, 

be  still) 
To  whet  his  bill. 

It 's  not  your  flow  of  pretty  talk 
That    stamps  you  as  the    queen  of 
creatures, 

Not  that  you  wear  the  Gibson  walk 
And  cultivate  retrousse  features, 

It  is— why  blow  me  (as  the  saying  goes) 
If  THFX>  knows ! 

It 's  not  the  intellectual  range 
That  leaves  a  paralysing  frost  on 

The  conversational  small  change 
Of  the  inhabitants  of  Boston  ; 

Not   that   you   look   divine  (as  rumour 

states) 
On  roller  skates. 

It  is — but  there !     I  'd  hate  to  tell 

By  what  mysterious  arts  you  tame  us, 

Not  mine  to  probe  the  secret  spell  ; 

^  That  ever  made  you  j  ustly  famous 

For  mopping  up  with  sedulous  agility 
Our  young  nobility. 


'.LET    AULD    ACQUAINTANCE 


FORGOT.' 


Solicitor  (making  a  concession  to  his  client  in  the  matter  ofi  charges).  "  WEEL,  SANDI,  SEEING 

I   KENT  YODR   FAETHEB,   I'LL   HAKE   IT  SAX   GUINEAS." 

Sandy.  "  GDID  SAKE,  Mos  !    I  'H  GLAD  TE  DIDSA  KEN  GRANDFACTHEK  ! " 


Let  others  solve  the  point.     Be  mine 
The  poet 's  more  distracting  pleasures. 

Of  California's  maids  divine 
To  sing  the  praise  in  artless  measures, 

Shall  be  the  task  of  my  declining  years, 
My  pretty  dears.  ALGOL. 


IRISH  LIVE  STOCK. 

Tlie  Irish  Times,  under  the  heading 
of  "Live  Stock,"  prints  the  following 
advertisements :  — 

"  Good  Donkey  for  Sale,  or  in  part  exchange 
for  Pony,  12  hands.  —  Briarly,  Dundrum, 
Dublin." 

"  Half  Swiss  Goat,  very  good,  30«. — Address, 
K.  742  this  office." 

It  will  be  observed  that  in  the  first  of 
these  advertisements  it  is  not  stated 
which  part  of  the  donkey  is  for  exchange : 
sresumably  the  ears  and  the  bray. 

As  to  the  Half  Swiss  goat,  we  are 
juzzled  to  know  how  it  is  purchasable 
.t  30s.  as  "  Live  Stock."  Possibly,  how- 
ver,  the  advertisement  will  be  satisfac- 


torily answered  by  the  Connaughtman 
of  whom  it  is  recorded : — 

"  I  wakes  myself  up  in  the  mornin' 
Wid  a  cannon  I  brought  from  the  East, 
Then  I  kills  half  a  cow  for  my  breakfast, 
1  icfnrc  milkin'  the  rest  of  the  baste, 
Lest  the  crayture  should  go  to  waste." 


"  We  fear  that  the  public  for  such  a  work  aa 
Die  Verlcanfte  Itraut  is  no  more  numerous  than 
was  that  which  neglected  The  Barber  of  Bagdad 
last  summer  and  ignored  Don  Pasquale  when 
the  Grand  Opera  Syndicate  gave  its  monthly 
revival."— The  Daily  Telegraph. 

WE  fancy  that  the  public  which 
ignored  Don  Pasquale  was  more  nume- 
rous than  The  Daily  Telegraph  thinks. 
Quite  a  lot  of  Philistines  in  Haggereton 
had  never  even  heard  of  the  thing. 


NEW  NAME  FOB  THE  STRIKING  MUSIC- 
HALL  ARTIST  ES. — The  Scala-wags. 

Motto  for  the  Scala  audience:  "The 
Pleasure  we  delight  in  physics  Payne." 


PUNCH,  OB  THB  LONDON  CH.MMVUM. 


A    FALSE    ALARM. 


•' 


" 


S.- 


AH  i  a  T'  •<TUHL" 

.«tprir».   "UUI,   DEAt! 


I'D  XO   IDEA   IOC«  DACUBTEt  HAD   BAD  SO   HAST    CHILI*.  DgHM.   "CHILDUS!      I   BI  TAUCDl'  Q' 


THK  FRUlTOnuTS. 
\  f -id -crank  hie  recently  announced  that 
(rait  will  aooa  he  the  eole  article  of  diet  amouK 
ctdtnnd  people,  meat  being  relegated  (•>  "  tli. 
lower  rlaeere  and  peraona  «t  unimaginative 
mind."] 

LOM  before  the  craft  of  canners 
Had  preserved  the  ox  from  fate, 

1'iirtif*  with  superior  manners 

n  beef  and  wild  boar's  pate : 

As  for  HODGE  (and  here  the  feudal 
System  showed  its  latent  flaw), 

Beckoned  a*  a  hopeless  noodle, 
Nuts  sufficed  to  stay  his  jaw. 

Culture  changes  with  the  period, 
Yet  we  hardly  dreamed  her  old 

( {astronomical  criteria  'd 
•  in  so  severe  a  mould 

Now,  it  stems,  while  ploughmen 
Last  until  the  tension  hurts. 

Fashion's  more  exclusive  levels 


1          |. 

'       '         '- 


These  tlioir  undisputed  wit  • 

Ti>  tli.-  f.ict  that  peach  and  plum 

Break  th.-ir  morning  fast.  ant'  '''"" 
Turn  up  stewed  for  pr.indium. 

AiiihurH  anil  divines,  whose  fanri.-s 

Hid  them  liruwsr  on  (Vrea*  boons, 
See  in  nutshells  new  romances, 

STIIIMIIS  in  the  stones  of  prunes  : 
Thus  their  ^t-nii  indulging 

Th.-y  despise  tin-  pli-ln*.  wli..  s-lmw 
Less  concern  fur  <-r.inial  bulging 

Than  to  cram  the  vuid  below. 

As  for  us,  no  claim  to  learning, 

No  regard  for  rank,  <M 
Floods  of  proletariat  yearning 

Timed  to  surge  at  1  P.M.  : 
Though  it  prove  a  loutb-h  station 
i  iiutimpetence  to  1-1 

ini.i^iliation 
\Vait.-r.  f.-ti-h  that  mutton  <  hop  ! 


TIIK  latest  tiling  to  a\<  \vi«il- 

flock   bed.      According    to  Tie   hi»c,t. 

h.-  llM-k  of  four  of  them  iraf  oxunined 

iy    t\\o    experts,  and    found    to    contain 
respect i\.l>    .".,    !••!.    \.  and    'Jl'    million 

irgani-ni-    i ,.  i-    gramme.       We    iiml.-r- 
-tand  that  the  Hack  to  the   hind 

ia   making  gn  at    ]  .unoiig 

!   ,.|    the  or!,'aiii.-iiiM   in   the  fourth 

ilock.     who    s|M-ak     in     glowing    term>- 

1    the    in;  -    that   one 

comes  across  in  almost  every  gramme  of 
tin-  first  lied. 


Invaluable  for  Flat  Dwellers. 
FBOM  a  Sale  Adv.-rtiwment  : 

y  be  had  on  Mr.  A  --  - 


•irrhan  1'rinciple,  in  nhi.-h  is  i- 

.  . 


Mr.  I'tttirli  aj-ilogizea  to  his  rcad.-rs 
for  his  inability  to  pr.-s.-nt  them  with 
•.mudgy  |ihotngr;i|ih>  of  Mr.  II 
QLUeiOHB  and  the  Kditor  of  The  Daily 
\lnil.  in  thin  we«'k's  number.  Mr.  I  .1  M- 
-I»M.  it  will  be  remembered,  has  not  yet 

-  .|  an  a|"-lo^y  from  the  Kd:' 
The  Mad  for  the  wunpaign  of  vitupera- 
tion which  that  paper  carried  on  against 
him  at  the  time  of  the  D'AscKXV case.  It 
would  ha\.-  II..M  interesting  at  thih 
moment  to  have  been  able  to  compare 
tin-  f. -:it urea  of  the  two  gentlemen. 


ITNCH,  OH  TIIK  LONDON  CIIAI;IVAI;I.    Fnaourc  6,  L907. 


SOCIALISM   UNDER  HATCHES. 

CAPTAIN  VON  BUELOW.  "  WE  'VE  SETTLED  THE  MUTINEERS,  SIR  !  " 

ADMIRAL  HOHENZOLLEKN.  "  GOOD !     THEN  NOW  WE  CAN  GO  FULL  SPEED  AHEAD ! " 


Fi:mii;AiiY  6,  1907.] 


ITN'CH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


103 


OUR    ARTIST    IN    SCOTLAND. 

THE  AWFUL   HESDLT   OF   HIS  VERT   FIRST   ATTEMPT  TO   BECOME  A  CCBLEB. 


A    FIRST    IN    MAUDES. 

No  one  wishes  success  to  Mr.  CYRIL 
MAUDE  more  heartily  than  I,  and  I  was 
quite  delighted  to  sit  in  the  most  comfy 
stall  I  have  ever  sat  in — on  the  first  night 
of  "  The  Playhouse." 

I  was,  however,  just  the  least  little  bit 
in  the  world  dubious  about  my  ability 
to  keep  my  good  wishes  and  heartiness 
as  active  as  I  should  wish  for  four 
hours  or  so,  which  I  reckoned  would 
!><•  the  period  of  their  exercise,  since 
the  ordinary  bill  of  the  evening  was 
to  be  supplemented  by  the  National 
Anthem,  an  address  written  by  Mr. 
Sn\\v  who  is  not  apt  to  be  as  brief  as 
he  is  witty  a  duologue  by  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  BoUBCHIER,  and  something  unspeci- 
tieil  from  Mr.  THEE.  One  grows  older 
and  a  slave  to  habit,  and  although 
dining  an  hour  before  the  usual  time 
with  mi  chance  of  supper  is  a  trifle 
when  duty  calls,  1  was  not  absolutely 
certain  that  it  might  not  chill,  ever  so 
slightly,  the  spirit  of  jollity.  Mr.  MAUDE 
said  himself,  in  the  course  of  h is  comic 
speech,  that  he  was  not  dying  to  play 
Toddles,  could  in  fact  omit  Toddles  if  it 
interfered  with  the  said  speech,  and 
1  rather  wish  he  had  omitted  it.  I  fear 
I  debated  with  myself  the  propriety  of 
singing  the  National  Anthem  at  home 


while  I  dressed,  and  arriving  a  bit  late. 
But  then  the  next  item  might  not  be 
Toddles  but  SHAW,  and  one  doesn't  hear 
Madame  CLARA  BUTT  sing  the  National 
Anthem  every  day  in  the  week. 

So  I  went  in  good  time  and  was  glad. 
She  was  in  splendid  voice,  and  sang 
with  a  fervour  that  did  one  good. 
Then  followed  The  Drums  of  Oude,  a 
weird  little  play  of  the  Indian  Mutiny, 
which  would,  I  think,  have  been  weirder 
still  if  the  English  officers  had  been 
made  a  little  less  conscious  of  the 
theatrical  possibilities  of  their  situation. 
And  then  rather  a  weird  thing  happened 
to  me.  I  was  given  an  envelope,  within 
which  was  —  a  bribe  ?  banknotes  ? 
chicken-sandwiches?  No — a  list  of  the 
aristocratic  and  distinguished  people 
present.  Why  I  was  given  this  list  I  do 
not  pretend  to  know.  Was  it  to  bid  me 
mind  my  manners  and  behave  nicely  in 
such  company?  To  make  me  humble 
and  reverent,  or  to  bless  the  fate  which 
had  preserved  me  for  such  a  splendid 
association  ?  I  suppose  the  intention  was 
kind,  but  I  felt  quite  abashed,  until  my 
self-respect  was  restored  by  remarking 
that  I  knew  better  than  the  writer  how  to 
spell  some  of  the  names  in  question. 

Mr.  SHAW'S  "address"  came  next.  It 
turned  out  to  be  a  piece  of  rather  child- 
ish but  very  genial  drollery,  Mr.  SHAW 


for  once  sinking  the  wit  in  the  kind- 
hearted  romp,  so  to  say.  It  must  have 
been  rather  a  difficult  tiling  for  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  MAUDE  to  do,  since  they  had  to 
exaggerate  a  pretended  nervousness — 
Mrs.  MAUDK  apologising  for  "  CYRIL  "  and 
so  forth— while  all  the  time,  given  such 
a  sympathetic  occasion,  they  can  hardly 
have  helped  feeling  nervous  in  reality. 
They  did  it  delightfully.  Then  Toddles. 
On  the  opening  of  a  fine  new  theatre 
with  such  a  good-old-English-sounding 
name  as  "The  Playhouse,"  after  the 
National  Anthem  I  should  Lave  thought 
something  other  than  an  adaptation  of  a 
second-rate  French  farce  would  have 
been  appropriate — but  I  will  not  stray 
into  criticism.  It  was  finely  acted,  and 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  BOURCHIER  and  Mr.  TREE 
were  all  that  could  be  wished  afterwards. 
And  so,  still  well-wishing  and  hearty, 
one  went  away. 

A  word  about  the  theatre  itself.  Mr. 
DETJIAR  BLOW  has  built  Mr.  MAUDE  a  very 
pretty  and  sensibly  arranged  house.  The 
floor  is  all  stalls,  the  widest  and  most 
comfortable  I  have  occupied,  as  I  said, 
except  in  a  cathedral.  I  sat  in  one  where 
normally  the  pit  would  have  been,  and 
was  quite  happy.  Still,  the  stage  did 
seem  a  little  distant.  But  the  average 
playgoer,  I  hope,  is  not  a  grumbling  old 
thing  like  RUE. 


!    1 


PUNCH.  MI;  TIIK  LONDON  •  H\I:I\  \i;i. 


[FEBBt'AHV  0,    1907. 


HENRY'S    IDEA 
or  THE  lYrra  Kcjutr  SmnciTK. 

•  you  know  Pm»?"  HKXSY  talked 
me  000  morning.      He  asked    it 
earnestly,  and  I  considered  a  long  time 

4  well  enough  to  call  hint  Prra," 
I  said  at  bet 

••  \\ .  11   it  '•  an  amazing  thing,"  mid 
HKHM  re  the  fourth  peraon  I  \ . 

Mked.  A  hairdresser,  a  cabman,  a  waiter, 
and  now  you.  I  go  haphazard  among 
tbe  profession*,  eearching  for  friends  of 
!  •  • 

Perhaps  if  you  mentioned  his  oilier 


Ilia  other—  ?  Oh,  well,  it's 
KEJUMT,  if  you  want  to  know.  But  we 
always  think  of  him  an  PETKB.  !!•• 
practically  naks  us  tu  on  page  5.  I  g< ' 
about  saying  to  myself,  '  Would  lYm: 
like  tkim  OM  would  PEIEB  - 

I  made  one  last  effort. 

"  \VI,,,  is  h.-.  and  what's  the  book?" 

HENIT  took  up  a  paper-covered  volume, 
and  began  to  turn  the  pages. 

very  dull,"  ho  said.  "1 
don't  think  Prmt  \voulil  like  you  at  all. 
The  book  in  called  (let  on  <t\-<i,-t  mil,  and 
personally  I  rvad  it  by  mistake,  thinking 
it  might  have  a  word  or  two  by  Jnaor 
in  it.  Hut  ax  n  matter  of  fact  it  lias 
nothing  to  do  with  cricket  at  all.  It  V 
all  about  Burcem  in  life;  and  what  I 
want  to  know  is.  Who  in  PETEU  that  he 
abould  talk  ? 

"  Y<m  n-iiM-iiiU-r  how  I  have  always 
laid  that  Mr.  Hoopeu  was  not  n  real 
peraon  at  all,  but  just  the  embodiment 
of  an  idea?  Well,  I'm  lieginning  to 
think  that  it  must  be  something  the 
aame  with  PETER.  I  fancy  Pirmi  will 
turn  out  to  Iw  a  syndicate  ;  anil  a  syndi- 
cate formed  by  four  perauua  who  really 
eon  talk  about  success.  These,  of  courw. 
are  lire.  SEJOKI,  Lord  AVEBTRT,  Lord 
N"Rtnn.iF>r.  and  Mr.  ALGERNON  AMU. A  . 
nnd  I  do  tliink  that,  when  four  j«-..ple 
like  that  get  together  and  write  a  mdly 
helpful  book,  one  abould  stand  respect- 
fully by  and  listen  to  what  they  have  to 

•y- 

"Yon  ace,  it  is  obvious  that  if  there 
really  wm  such  a  person  aa  PETKX 
Kr.urr  we  should  have  heard  of  him  by 
this  time.  Human  (whom  nobody  takes 
any  notice  of)  aars  that  there  is  such  a 
man,  and  that  he's  by  way  of  l»i,.i; 
r  of  Smith'*  We*Uy.  Of  course  I 
feel  anre  that  that's  a  vplendidl 
awful  thing  to  be;  but  I  don't  think  n 
man  in  that  position  would  dare  to  write 

•  Prabm 

"  For  instance, on  page  S  he  says, '  You 
moat  get  on  or  TOU  win  get  out.  I 
hare  not  earned  more  this  year  than  last 
h  stands  to  reason  you  have  not  got  on.' 
Now  what  I  mean  is  that  that  would  !«• 
such  jolly  awkward  reading  for  SMITH. 


:  fei-1  that  he  was  in  honour  Umm 
to  give  PETEE  a  rise  or  else  to 
mi  out.  mcouldn 

leaving   an    alternative  like  that  in  tin 
hands  of  an  employer  called  SMITH. 

"  lleaidea,   no  man    would    go   al«>ut 
asking    the    public    to   <-.dl    liiln    by   hi.i 
t 'hri-ti.ni   name,  and   telling  the  jui 
anecdotes  of  his  lioyhood.      J?nt  it  's  jn.-l 
exactly  what  a  Syndicate  would  do.    Half 
the  success  of  the  St.  James's  Restaurant 
WDa   due    to    tin-    fact    that   it   could   IN 
referred     to    knowingly    as    '.1  ilium's. 
And  in  the  same  way  1 'MM:  Ki  \i:\.  Ltd. 
baa  much   more  chance  of  selling  tin 
linn's  Ifioks  if  it  can  !»•  known  an<i 
in  a  million  homes  as  PrrKR.  .  .  . 

"My  idea  is  that  L.rd  NoitmrM 
]>lanne<l  the  book,  and  Mrs.  SKIGEL 
actually  wrote  it  ;  while  Ix>rd  AvKiiniY 
and  Mr.  A-ni-s  put  in  bits  about 
books  nnd  music,  and  so  on.  I  i 
instance,  on  jwige  101  there  is  a  chapter 
on  The  Food  of  <Srniu*,  which  jioints 
out,  among  other  things,  that  '.Mi- 
DKUaoiIN  never  «-an  rl  much  for  the 
pleasures  of  the  table.1  but  could  'live 
for  a  week  on  a  sausage  and  a  loaf  of 
bread.'  Now  it  is  absurd  to  Ix'lieve 
that  one  single  man  writing  on  the 
-  of  smvess  would  introduce  pad- 
ding of  that  kind;  but  one  can  easily 
picture  Mr.  A^lin-x,  when  one-1  he  had 
U-en  let  into  the  Syndicate,  insisting  on 
contributing  his  proper,  if  irrelevant, 
share  to  the  wit  and  wisdom  that  were 
(lowing  around.  Again  we  are  told  that 
'DBYDEX  in  his  sixty-eighth  year  com- 
mence! the  translation  of  the  l/i,nl, 
his  im»t  pleading  production.'  Ix>rd 
NORTHCI.IKFK  alone  would  never  have 
made  Hiich  a  fact  public ;  l>ut  with  Lord 
AVHU.RY  joining  the  board  after  allot- 
ment, who  can  wonder  that  literary  criti- 
cism came  into  its  own  again  ?  However, 
even  so  < and  notwithstanding  the  inclu- 
sion of  (Jry  lummy  in  the  Index  undi-r 
(irejit  Men  of  Literature)  AVKBUBY  must 
fiN-1  a  pang  of  jealousy  now  and  then 
that  A-lllos  was  given  four  pat 
which  to  describe  the  Boyhood  of  Great 
Musicians. 

"If  you  look  in  the  Index  again  you 
will  see  that  moat  apace  is  given   t.. 
•••V.    and   (.n    the  •    page 

you  are  told  that  '  Little  HtfOUOMm  in 
the  same  office  w  nh  yon  and  shake  hands 
with  you.1  That  i  with  the  title  •  i ;.-i 
on  or  <'„•!  nut')  gives  tin-  clue  to  the 
mind  which  planned  the  whole  work. 
With  regard  to  the  hand  which  wrote 
ii.  this  is,  aa  I  said.  Mr- 
There  is  no  mistaking  tin-  style.  All 
through  the  book  I  was  lookingaimc.n-ly 
for  the  advertisement  part  at  the  end"; 
H  was  rather  a  shock  wh.n  I 
realised  that  there  were  going  to  be 
no  pains  and  dizzineea  that  journey 

nil. 
"Of   course  there   must  have   been 


•  lix-n.-vsjun  among  the  meml 

the    Syndicate    ;is    the    i  ..-in    to 

grow  ;   in  fact  I  should  regard  the  whole 

thing  as  a  compromise  rather.      I  nn-an 

-hould   doubt  if  the  four  of  them 

•  •MT   in    |*-rfect   agreement    as   to 
any  whole  chapter. 

•A-   and    then,  though,  one  ' 
across    a    paragraph    which    seems    as 
though    it  may  well   n  pn»  nt    the  views 
of    then    all.       Take    this    for    instance 
about  HAIJ.  CAISK  : 

'They  did  notice  Unit   U!..i.'l  t)i>-  pirrrinK 
eyra  s  maw  of  human  nuu-liinrnr  <-»M!  . 
ami  ihrob,  and  tet  tears  or  Uu^litrr  )!• 
rippling  in  whatever  pert  of  the  world  a  i 
lxx>k  wn»  to  be  found.' 

"  I  defy  you  to  say  whether  it  was  the 
proprietor  of  The  l><iil</  Mail,  the  literary 
naturalist,  the  home  physician,  or  the 
brother  miffi-tir  who  insjiinil  that. 

"Of  course  the  IkKik  will  Sell.  There 
are  always  plenty  of  jwople  in  the  world 
who  like  to  be  taken  in  hand  and  shouted 
at.  They  will  n  ad  the  Ixxik,  and  they 
will  write  to  thank  my  dear  I'KIKII.  And 
so,  if  there  really  isa  paper  called  Xinitli'* 
H  IT/.-/I/  and  an  <i!itor  of  it  called  KKUIV. 
that  gentleman  will  be  put  to  a  lot  of 
trouble  to  explain  alnmt  the  Syndicate 
which  is  using  his  name.  He  will  luve 
a  right  to  feel  annoyed  with  I-onl  Noiuit- 
.  Lord  Araii'iiY,  Mr.  Asniox,  and 
Mrs.  SKNJKI.  He  might  almost  bring  an 
action  .  .  .  ." 

THK  FOUNTAIN  PKN. 

THIS  is  the  tale  of  what  GWKS  did, 
<  )f  how  half-a-crown  she  expended 
Not  far  from  the  great  church  that  WRKX 
did, 

Where  her  week's  shopping  GWEN  now 

and  then  did 
With  a  friend  (I  don't  know  what  the 

friend  did). 
In  that  shop  was  a  pen  which  pretended 
But  it  hurts  me  to  tell  irlmt  that  pen  did. 
fhoagb  at  lir.-t  I  considered  it  splendid, 
And  wondered  why  all  other  men  did 

-e  one  of  .  .   .  don't  \tc  offended, 
This  is  not  an  advertisement-  (when  did 
You  ever  find  I  'd  condescended 
To  advertise  things  that  are  vended?) 
MX   motives  yon  "ve  misapprehended 
And  my  stoi  \   \,,n  >,,  have  extended  .  .  . 

'That    /   think   it  was  time  it  was 
ended!      Hi, 


"  Ko«  SALE,  a  good  doctor' 

T.  I'.',  \\rckly. 

TIIK  great  point  for  the  would  -  Ix; 
I'lirchaser  to  decide  is  whether  the  half- 
liroiigham  of  a  g'Hxl  doctor  is  more 
iseful  than  the  whole  brougham  of  a 

!iad  doctor. 


i'  title  for  the  discussion  on 
annel    Tunnel   question:  —  "The 
I  '-.re  War." 


FEBRUARY  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


105 


A  SECOND  CHAMBER  OF  HORRORS. 

Tin-:  suggestion  of  Dr.  A.  R.  WALLACE 
in  The  Fortnightly  Iteuiew  that  in  a 
reformed  House  of  I^ords  room  should 
be  found  for  a  number  of  eminent 
writers  bat  created  an  extremely  favour- 
able impression  in  Fleet  Street,  as  the 
following  letters  abundantly  show  : 

DEAR  Sill,— I  think  it  will  be  generally 
admitted  that,  if  the  principle  embodied 
in  l>r.  WALLACE'S  striking  article  is 
earned  into  practice,  one  writer,  and  one 
only,  should  have  an  ex  officio  claim  to 
a  scat  in  the  House  of  Lords— the  Poet 
Laureate.  In  support  of  this  view  there 
is  surely  no  reason  why  I  should  not 
quote  some  chaste  yet  impassioned  lines 
which  appeared  many  years  ago  in  the 
pages  of  Tlie  National  Rerieic: 

Happy,  thrice  liuppy,  is  that  State 

\\  herein  the  Banl,  arrayed  in  ermine, 

Should,  in  the  councils  of  the  Great, 
For  ever  and  all  time  determine 

\Vliy  is  the  Pyrux  called  Jnpnii'n-n 

lieloved  by  the  divine  Veronica. 

I  am,  Sir,  with  profound  respect, 
Your  obedient  humble  servant, 

A.  A. 

DEAR  Sm, — It  may  interest  you  to  hear 
that  the  Committee  of  the  Kumenides 
Club — which  has  recently  been  founded 
for  the  purpose  of  furthering  the  cause 
of  Feminism — has  agreed  on  putting 
forward  the  following  list  as  represent- 
ing the  eight  women  who  most  deserve 
peerages  in  their  own  right : 

JOHN  STRANGE  WINTER. 

Mrs.  HUMPHRY  WARD. 

Miss  MARIE  IJXJYD. 

Miss  CHRISTABEL  PANKHURST. 

Mrs.  ALEC  TWEEDIE. 

Mrs.  ZANCIG. 

Miss  BlLLINGTON. 

Madame  CLARA  BUTT. 
Faithfully  yours, 

SARAH  BIRTWHISTLE,  Hon.  Sec. 

DEAR  SIR, — All  will  depend  on  what 
is  meant  by  a  "  man  of  letters."  Per- 
sonally I  have  no  doubt  whatever  that 
the  epistolary  form,  especially  when 
addressed  to  the  public  prints,  is  the 
highest  expression  of  the  human  intel- 
lect. Unfortunately  I  understand  that 
there  is  already  a  Lord  ASHTON  in  the 
House  of  Lords.  Viscount  WOKING, 
however,  has  a  euphonious  ring  about  it. 
Faithfully  yours,  A  A". 

DEAR  Sm. — Dr.  WALLACE'S  scheme  for 
the  representation  of  literature  in  a 
revised  House  of  Lords  is  excellent  so 
far  as  it  goes.  But  the  process  of 
selection  cannot  be  entrusted  to  an 
artificial  or  a  restricted  electorate.  In 
a  democratic  age  like  ours  there  is  only 
one  test  of  merit  -that  of  circulation. 
Applying  this  criterion  1  find  that  the 
Editors  of  Bradshaw  and  Whitaker's 
Almanack,  Mr.  HALL  CAINE  and  Mr. 


TAKING    THE    LIMELIGHT    AT    WESTMINSTER; 

OB,  THE  LATEST  Tiuxn  IN  MINISTERIAL  CORYPHEES. 

Signorinas  Macnamara  and  McKenna  "take  the  Boards"  simultaneously  (Loca    Government 
Board  and  Education  BoarJ  respectively).     Prolonged  applausa  from  tln'ir  in. my  admirers. 


HOOKING  are  certain  of  their  elevation. 
The  arguments  by  which  it  is  sought  to 
push  the  claims  of  Mr.  GEORGE  MEREDI  m, 
Mr.  THOMAS  HARDY,  Mr.  SWINBURNE  and 
Mr.  JOHN  MORLEY  are  not  worth  the 
considerious  consideration  of 
Yours  faithfully, 

THE  MAN  IN  THE  STREET. 

DEAR  SIR, — You  may  be  glad  to  hear 
that  the  result  of  the  plebiscite  of  the 
readers  of  T.  P.'s  Weekly  has  placed  the 
Editor  easily  at  the  head  of  the  list  of 
literary  men  whom  it  is  desirable  to 
elevate  to  the  House  of  Lords,  Mr. 
WILLIAM  LE  QUEUX  being  a  bad  second, 
closely  pressed  by  Mr.  MAX  PEMBERTOX 
and  JKROMK  K.  JEROME.  When  the 
necessary  legal  formalities  have  been 
carried  out,  I  have  good  authority  for 
stating  tluit  Mr.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR  will  take 
the  title  of  Lord  SLEWTHER  of  Blarney, 
and  Mr.  MAX  PEMBERTON  that  of  Lord 
CASSELLBOSSE.  Yours  faithfully, 

MUNGO  A.  PATE. 


The  Hibernian  Touch. 
"Owixo  to  the  severe  frost,  all  the 
Rugby  matches  were  postponed  in 
England,  Scotland  and  Wales  on  Satur 
day,  with  the  exception  of  the  last  Irish 
International  trial  game  at  Dublin." 

The  Daily  Telegraph. 

The  days  at  which  Gillingham  Town 

Council  dust  carts  call  at  various  streets 

have  been  notified  by  the  Town  Clerk 

as  follows : — 

"  ON  TUESDAY,  TBCRSDAT,  AXD  SATURDAY 

in  the  forenoon. 

(Except  Good  Friday,  Whit  Monday,  August 
Bank  Holiday,  and  Christmas  Day)." 

The  coming  L.C.C.  Election. 
WE  understand  that  Mr.  GEORGE  ALEX- 
ANDER, though  standing  as  a  Municipal 
Reformer,  is  in  favour  of  extending  the 
tram  system  down  St.  James's  Street.  If 
this  is  true,  Mr.  CYRIL  MAUDE  will  feel 
compelled  to  withdraw  his  support  from 
his  brother  manager's  candidature. 


:  I 


PUNCH,   OR  Till-    LONDON   CH  \KIV.\IM. 


[FJ3BUART  0,    1907. 


MOTOR-BUILDER. 
THM  is  a  story  in  sections  ud  this  is 
the  -f  Section. 

'    •     ' 

we  an  going  to  my.  OHARU*  waa  not  a 
mpmrtt*  Apart  from  a  Might  acquaint- 
ance with  the  Vangoard  No.  6  Sen-ice 
he  waa  in  no  way  connected  with  motor*. 
He  neither  made,  dcaigned,  sold,  cleaned, 
painted  nor  repainted  motor-care.  Be  did 

the  retailers  of  motor  goggka  or  odor 


marine    work.     Nevertheless    CHARLES 
christened  it  7V,,  ,,;t!,<niwl. 

HOLES,"  we  said,  "the  name  is 

.eanswered.      I  his  shows 
n  how  obstinate  CHARLES  was. 


At  whatever  personal 


venience  to  yourself  it  must  be  borne 


profess  to  ma 
small  staff  to 


77i«- 

"'Hie    manner    of    its    working 
plained  CHARIER,  "is  as  follow  >,  that  i- 
tosay  :>    innumerable  furs  and 

BBiraandad   with   the  necessary  h,inl,  in- 
dt  imrf.T  you  pi  'If   in   the  seat 


in  mind  that  CkuBLB  waa  not  a  motorist. 
All  companies,  firms  or  persons  that 

manufacture  motors  keep  a 
invent  and  a  large  staff 
to  execute  motors.  Tin-  production  of 
motors  is  the  appointed  task  of  these 
employ***,  and.  if  they  are  satisfactory 
employers,  they  do  product-  motors.  We 
ask  you  to  note  tin-  You  can  please  your- 
-  If  whether  you  l>ear  it  in  mind  or  not. 
On  the  oilier  liainl.  neither  HvRTEU-'s 
nor  any  other  Bank  employs  its  rl.  rk- 
to  invent  or  execute  motors.  The  work 
of  the  Hank  clerk  is  to  bank.  There  is 
no  obligation  on  him.  express  or  implied, 

or  assist  in  producing  motors. 
Why  then  did  Cium»,  a  clerk  in 
OarteU's,  aspire  to  fashion  a  motor? 

The  Setond  S-.-/i,.n. 

Bartell's  Bank  was  much  to  blame  in 

the    nutter.      It    in    tin-   reprehensible 

habit  of  this  firm  to  turn  its  ,|.  rks  loose 

upon  the  world  nt   four  oVWk   in  the 

on.     The   I»cal   Manager  should 

at  least  have  noticed  a  crooked  tendency 


in  CHIBUB'S 

. 


nature   and    tr.-at.-d     him 
CHARLES  might  have  been 


retained  permanently  in  the  IVank  build- 
ings, the  Bank  recron]*-nsing  itself  'for 
all  we  care)  by  abstracting  weekly  a 
substantial  sum  from  CHARLES'S  salary  as 
a  nominal  charge  for  CHARLES'S  lodging. 

Are  we  justified  in  ending  our  s- 
at  this  point  ?    We  think  that  we  are, 

The  Third  Stetim. 

There  was  worse  to  follow.  The  Ikuik, 
«lv  careless,  became  criminally 
The  clerks,  CHARLES  with 
paid  a  week's  salary  and 
ejected  at  one  o'clock  on  Saturdays. 
Anyone  but  a  firm  of  hankers  would 
have  foreseen  the  results  of  such  conduct. 
CHARua  spent  his  spare  time  in  the 


confronted  with  the  handle.  Non- 
clialantly  (i.r.  'with  a  reckless  smile' 
you  gra-p  the  handle  and,  when  you 
wish  to  start,  yon  pull  the  same.  If  tin- 
car  does  not  start  (give  it  a  minute  or 
two  to  make  up  it*  mind  you  pull  the 
kindle  again.  If  the  car  does  not  start 
then,  you  decide  that  after  all  to-morrow 
ld  be  more  convenient. 
Once  started,  sooner  or  later  you  will 
want  to  stop.  There  is  a  strong  possi- 
bility of  your  doing  so  if  you  push  the 
handle  (then-  is  only  one  handle).  If 
the  handle  luw  Ix-cn  pushed  as  far  as  it 
will  go  and  still  the  car  does  not  stop, 
you  trust  that  the  engines  will  have  the 
good  sense  to  stop  of  their  own  accord. 
i  ithcrwisc  you  go  on. 

"  In  the"  matter  of  direction,  to  go 
forwards  you  raise  the  handle;  to  go 
backwards  you  depress  the  handle. 
(  >nly  crabs  and  idiots  want  to  go  side- 
.iml  this  car  is  designed  neither  for 
crabs  nor  for  idiots.  Finally,  if  you 
want  to  remain  as  you  are,  you  leave  the 
handle  severely  alone." 

Shall  we  now  go  on  to  the  sixth 
section  or  would  you  prefer  to  sit  it  out  ? 

The  Sixth  Section. 

"  No,  CHARLES,"  we  said.  "  We  have 
even-  confidence  in  you  and  areeonvim-ed 
of  the  safety  of  your  car.  but  yet.  sueh  an 
illogical  thing  is  the  human  disposition, 
we  shall  not  be  there." 

We  were  not  there.    That  is  a  most 
important  fact  and  must  not  be  forgotten. 
Repeat  it  over  and  over  again  to  your 
thus  :—  We  were  not  there.     We 
were  not  there,     W, 
Was  CHARLES  there?     CHARLES  was 
Were  we  there?    We  were  not 
then-.     Therefor* 

Thi*  it  CHARLES'S  account  of 


U-ing.   a-    1     have  said,   nineteen 
count-  that    he",  that  hen  look 

the  twentieth." 

Thin  i"  tin-  ,  ''''I  ''.'/  ''""  71"** 

ti.m  flint  t/v  ni-li<>  kii'nr  <'llMMl>    j.nl. 
"Ah.  the  handle.     l!y  a  remarkable  and 
unfortunate  coincidem-e.  the  handle  Lad 

but   a  moment   In-fore  b-i-oi letached. 

and  at  the  li la\    l>"<-  in  my  hand. 

The   l.i-t  sn-lioii   and  the   m.uii   narra- 
:,,!     there,    i  ,  .     at     "  hand."      I'.ul 
there  remains  this   to   IH'  -.lid.      Cil\l:IK- 
aiid  oiir-el\e>  had  the  hen  for  lunch. 
One  hundred  and  \  pounds, 

1    nvkon 


two  shillings  and    tin- 
tin-  bird  ha-  OOS<  in,-,     said  t'l 

•    It     i-     nice     eating."    wi-     aliswn.  d. 
"  but  seems  hardly  worth  the  m»i 


designing    of,  and 
materials  for,  a  m 


De   Worfiiin    nil    ni'i    hminm    is   an 


•     • 
.      .  .  .      .  .... 


Th*  Fif*  Section. 

(D»  you  • 

ihall  h 


on    the   excellent     maxim,    of     which     n 
And  observe.  «1  .re  thoroughly  than  I.     Still. 

Aufacture  begins.   •*  *«"   ''"•   "''" "   '•"'''•     There    were 
nineteen  riitinu-s  op.-u   to  that   hen.  any 
f    which     would     have    -a\,-d    Initji 
f   and   ill-  e    tir-t    • 

turn  to  the  right  ;  the  set-Diid,  to  turn  to 
.    the  tin:  .in  wher- 

•th.  Hlth,  sixth  and  » 

doubt    I  will   at   imce  ocviir  to  vou.  and   for  the 


• 


ful    -  -•  t. ik>- my  word. 


LOOK  UN  THIS  ricn  I:K. 

0  Exi. ll-ll  girl,  divine,  demure 
(As  Mr.  DOBBOX  somewhere  <  all- 

For  whose  sw<vt  -miles  and  glances  pure 
The    amorous    youths,    liciicath     your 

thrall,  sue, 
You  say  that  Chivalry  is  dead, 

And    that    you    loathe    our    ways   of 

wooing, 

And  fondly  ask  what  cause  has  led 
To  our  deplorable  undoing. 

1  answer  :   In  the  good  old  days 

Our    brave    gallants     would     thrum 

upon  a 
(initar,  and  sing  their  ladie- 

.lu-t  as  a  Spaniard  lauds  his  IXinna  ; 
In  ringing  tones  those  courtly  men 

Would  plead  the  old,  ecstatic  passion, 
Hut  oh.  we  lost  our  manners  when 

The  serenade  went  out  of  fashion. 

How  sweel  it  must  have  liecn  whet; 

You  madly  lov.il,  unbarred  the  shutter. 
And  wakened  by  your  upper  (!. 

Ixiokul  out  and  let  her  'kerchief  flutter; 
Conceive  the  scene  ;  the  window-sill ; 

A  delicately  round. H!  ell 
The  dainty  face;  the  eyes  that  thrill  ; 

llclow  her,  an  inuncn-ely  swell  beau. 

And  then,  ben.-ath  the  evening  star. 

To  prai-eher  lips,  her  .-ys.  her  bright 

hair. 
And  gladly  siifTer  the  catarrh 

Hrought  on  by  singing  in  the  night  air! 
Hut.  Pinu.is.  nowadays  1  fear. 

That   wen-  there    but   the  mild.-t    May 

dew, 

You  'd  tind  no  modern  cavalier 

Would  ri-k  a  chill  to  -ep-nade  you. 

I'eri-hance.  once  more  the  ( lolden 

Ma\  ,nd    that    on    which    my 

Will  be  the  fa-hionablc  i 

With  thowwhoconstitutetheSmart  Set 

Till  then  the  old  (iregorian  chant 

Will  -till  >um  up  onr  foppish  danglers, 
(1  '11  give  its  modeni  variant  I, 

'    t;,,l  AngeU  these  but  An^ 


FEBRUARY  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIAIMVAUI. 


107 


-. 


"CONFOUND  vou  BOYS!  IF  YOU  COME  BOUND  TUB  CORNER  IT  THAT  PACE  YOU  OUGHT  TO  BING  A  BELL." 
"  \\'E  'YE  JUST  BUSO  ONE  !  " 


1ESOP  ON  TOUR. 

THERE  was  once  a  Second  Act  whereof  the  Scene  was  a 
Howling  Wilderness,  in  which  the  Heroine  and  her  Blind 
Father  were  painfully  pottering  about  without  even  Hats 
upon  their  devoted  Heads;  for  the  Villain,  when  he  fore- 
closed the  Mortgage  on  the  pretty  Cottage  with  the  Wicket 
( !ate  where  they  had  resided  in  Act  One,  had  sold  everything 
I iy  Auction.  The  last  few  thousand  miles  had  been  a  little 
too  much  for  the  Heroine,  and,  dropping  her  Heavy  Father 
upon  a  Rock  Right  of  Centre,  she  picturesquely  measured 
out  her  Grave  upon  another  one  Down  Left,  just  as  the  Red 
I.ime  Sunset  faded  and  the  Stage  became  almost  completely 
dark.  Then  the  two  Lions  that  lived  in  the  Howling  Wilder- 
ness were  dimly  seen  running  to  and  fro,  sniffing  ominously  : 
each  Beast  with  an  enormous  Tuft  tied  to  the  end  of  his 
Tail,  so  that  lie  Lx)ked  like  part  of  a  Coat  of  Arms  come 
to  life.  And  when  the  Audience  heard  the  sniffs  and  saw 
the  waving  Tufts  they  shuddered,  doubting  not  that  the  poor 
Outcasts  were  about  to  be  eaten  up  before  their  very  eyes ; 
but  just  then  the  Hero,  who  happened  to  be  taking  a 
Walk  in  the  Desert,  came  along  and  fought  with  both  Lions 
at  once,  making  as  if  to  strangle  them  with  their  own 
Collars  as  they  leaped  fiercely  upon  him.  And  after  a  terrific 
Combat,  the  Lions  lay  down  Dead  at  a  word,  and  allowed 
him  to  place  a  Virtuous  and  Victorious  Foot  upon  their  pros- 
trate Bodies.  The  volume  of  Applause  that  greeted  this 
Tableau  was  such  that,  when  the  Curtain  fell,  somebody  rang 
it  up  again,  supposing  a  Recall  to  be  demanded  ;  whereupon 
there  was  a  momentary  Apparition  of  a  very  merry  Heroine 


holding  out  two  Dog-Biscuits,  and  two  Lions  sitting  up  in 
front  of  her,  wagging  their  Tufts  prodigiously. 

Mnnil. — Never  see  more  than  you  aro  meant  to  see  —if  you 
can  help  it.  

FROM  CHILDREN'S  CHAT,  by  "Grandma,"  in  The  Times  of 
Natal  :— 

"  I  want  you,  my  dears,  to  write  mo  a  short  snake  story,  KOMtluM 
that  really  hap|>ened  to  someone  you  know  ;  and  if  you  can  tell  uie  of 
a  child  being  really  bitten  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear  about  it." 

Truly  it  is  said  that  a  child's  best  friend  is  his  grandma. 


Beading  Without  Tears. 

"Just  after  leaving  Godolphin  vicarage  on  Thursday,  the 
horse  Dr.  F.  Cnowx,  of  Townsend,  was  shaking,  and  was 
able  to  resume  his  practice  on  riding  slipped  on  the  frozen 
road  and  fell,  slightly  injuring  itself.  Dr.  Cnowx  escaped 
with  a  little  Sunday." — TJie  Carnishman. 


Too  Clever  by  Half. 

THE  remarkable  unanimity  of  really  great  minds  has  often 
been  noticed.     Regard,  for  instance,  these  two   quotations 
from  SHAKSPEAHE  and  The  Manchester  Guardian  respectively  : 
"  Our  indiscretion  sometimes  serves  us  well 

When  our  deep  plots  do  pall." — Shaktpeaw, 

"  Special  police  have  been  inquiring;  diligently  into  U>e  outrages,  but 
the  culprit  has  managed  to  elude  them.  Mare  ordinary  police  have 
been  gciit  into  the  district." — Manchester  Guardian. 


:   - 


ITV  II.    MI;     Mil:    LONDON    <  ll\i:l\  AIM. 


l. 


1907. 


OUR 
(l%1fr.ru 


II..W 

of  tears   bel 

Within    it*   po 


BOOKING-OFFICE. 
safe's  Staff  of  Leaned  Clerk*.) 
rmdod    their  way   through  this 
an.  BLACK  issued   yearly 


The  rot-nit 
er, 


of 


-  lal>  r    is. 

|e.|     I  ion    of    writi:  -ingly 

link'   tli'-  "'her  day  I»r>l    3 
I    thought    he  attained   the  maximum  of   use 
which."      Sir    -  <••>  the 


still  pursuing 
contained   an 


useful  information,  mriking  in   it*  range 


"3  of  the  odion*  won!   •'which."      Sir    -  MI   the 

!.eing 

1  K.   „.  ,.f  triumph   he  throws  in  "  ands  " 

,      ,,;  1   "buts"    with   lavish'  hand.     To  vary  an  old   saying,   if 


and  variety.     It 


"Kiits."    and    "ands"    wen-    | -'I-    and 


an  epitome—  in  the  number  of  |*-n-  SreiTCER "W  M  n -\  (  would  leave  no  plavtime  for  the  tinker. 

an  extension    of  all  Court  ( in  idea,  Red  Books,  and  Uie  like. 
Biography  is  m-Knin«l  «w  perhaps  the  roost  fascinating 
.tun-      Here    be    biographic*    in    abundai 


in  bulk,  the  volume  has  shed  a  |.<m.  n  of  in  nove 


<:<**lfrUotF  (M.v\iiii\N,   is   jirohalily  a  lir~' 
l   writing.     It    i-   di'ei'li'dly   amateurish. 


.ppears  in  separate  fonu  under  the  title.   ,s  la,d  in  the  town  ..t  ny 
TkeWka'e  Wh»  fSfBeak.     It  contains  u  multiplicity  of  -me.     Mr-.   WATSON   admits   that    for 


miscellaneous  informatkw  concerning  the  permnnel  of  public  historic 

•  •    •       -        .','.' 
The    House  of  (Amur* 
catalogued  in  the  alpha! » 
list  of  boroughs  and  counties, 
t  lie  names  of  Members  f 
ing.    A  more  convenient  form 
would  be  to  give  the  names  of 
Members  first. 

the  title,  red  and 
[tween, 

The  pictured  covers,  and  1»- 
A  soldier  storv  from  the  pen 
Of  Mr.  MAXYOLE  Fan. 

Surely  was  here  the  very  tiling 
To   carry    autumn    back    to 

spring ; 
"  I  will  renew  my  youth,"  1 

said  ... 
But  no,  the  past  is  dead  ! 

The  stories  I  delighted  in 
Wen  one  uproarious  deafen- 
ing din; 

No  gentle  convene  filled  them 
Nothing  below  a  about. 

But  hoys  are  now,  it 


under'  tlu-  t'itl,-".    i*  laid  in  the  town  of  I'lyn.outh  Dodt  in  the  y,  •.  hen 

m    IMS 
details  .she  is 


SlroHijrr  to  Uu  Country.  "  LIT    ME    str.      Tills    MCBT    BE    THE    HIM. 

\N  ith  far  more  talk  than  in-  TWICT  TOU.  ME  ASOOT,  WITH  THE  FLOODED  »IVE«  IT  THE  SOTTOM  ! " 

• 


inilclited    I"    many    lx«iks.    old    and 
modern.        These.     ha\. 

her  with   a  sufficiently 
pictnre-'|iie  background.   Hut 

tin-  figures  moving  through 
ihe  story  nvall  in  their  inialily 
.if  wotxli'iiness  the  structure 
of  another  famous  naval  per- 
.  to  wit  the  little  mid- 
-hipinaii  who  ser\ed  a> 

i     for    the    shop    door   of 

'i     <'nttlf'it     frieii'i 

oifl». 


Al.rilos-i-(  'ol  til  VM'i  i:.  when  he 
wrote 

His    latest     novel     (Ul 

made, 

Wisely  enough,  a  mental  note 

( >f  certain  <li<-t<i  of  his  trade  ; 

A-        l/'ve  is  lilind  to  coming 

car 
When  man  is  wed  his  WOC8 

liegin  ; 
N'one  lint    the   l.r.ix. 

the  fair; 
And   111- 
man  win. 

Taking  for  plot  the  recipe 
Two  nien.oneniaid     a  good 
stock  lit 


A  mixture  which,  as  like  as  not, 
I  ahould  have  banned  as  "  rot" 

Still.  Messrs.  CBAMBOS  publish  it, 
And  doubtless  they  know  what  is  fit ; 
'  perchance  may  demonstrate 
That  I  am  oat  of  date. 


Kudiei  in  Biography  (FusBtt  Uxwis)  wereorigin.illy  contri- 

boled  bv  Sir  Srexoai  Wtl  > »l>i,r,jl,  /.'.  .•;,  «-.  '/'//.• 

Quartfrlti.  and  the  now  defunct  .V.  leading  them 

in  a  portly  volume  designed  fur  the  lil  .-  not  (|iiite 

sure  whether  they  had  n«<  beao  !•  ft  <     K-ixjaein 

theduistersof  barkn  Doubtless,  when  first  pub] 

ApropMof  tome  book  or  event  of  the  day  |.|.li<-d 

.-ting  if  UK!   iiiHpiriting  n-;i'i     >      The  M-tting   forth  of 

•nil  baked  HH-.  reata 

i  incholy  rather  than  excite  appetit-  •-  MI  W  • 

i-   at    hi- 

fingrr  ends  all  facU  prrtiinink-  •  !  • 

does  not  seem  to  have  any  new  thing  t,,  t-ll.  any  fn-h  light 
to  throw  on  more  or  less  famil  • -.     Me  ; 

more  accurate  than  was  Mt<  M  i.u  w<  rking  in  a  nimilai 


lie  plans,  with  rustic  scenery . 

A  fairly  pa.ssalile  de.-ign  : 
<  >ne  swain  conducts  the  maid  to  church, 

And  when  the  other  heaves  in  sight 
She  leave>  her  husband  in  the  lurch 

Which,  frankly,  serv.-s  the  fellow  right. 

The  tale,  in  short,  j.  .  way, 

Scenting  the  lini>h  from  afar; 
Promising,  stmight  cut.  ch-ar  as  day 

Except  in  mie  particular 
Called  Tin'  .Sn-/-;/i.v.  and  I 

II. r  .  din  vain  the  pl>t 

To  Imd  who  s;n  ritiei'd.  and  why. 

Where,  how,  and  when,  to  whom,  and  what. 


Literary  Notes. 

We.  gather,  from  a   preliminary  pnfT  >.i  two.  that   a   well- 
known  writer   i-   liringing  out   a   K-ik  entitle<l   Sm/i/.-r1.      No 

doillit    it   will  !«•  issue<l   in   Voli: 

immi^liate  piililieation.  a    novel  of   I/.i.d  >n   life,  with 

strong  r.-ali,tie  intep-st  :      Tin-  IH'iii'l  I  '.'   '"•, 


13,  1007.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


109 


ON    FLATS. 

Ai  iiioiT.ii  the  sanitary  arrangements 
are  always  di  scribed  as  being  "up-to- 
date,"  it  is  just  as  well  to  iiml  out  what 
date1  is  referred  to. 

An-  you  surprised  that  all  your  win- 
dows are  overlooked  l>y  neighbours? 
Thai  's  nothing!  Heaps  of  little  tilings 
have  ln'cii  overlooki  d  by  the  landlord 
himself. 

Take  the  "  ISest  Bedroom."     Of  course 
no  doubt  it  is  the  best  .  .  . 
of  the  three.      "Best"    is, 
after   all,   only    a    relative 
lam. 

We  doubt,  however, 
whether  this  is  the  expres- 
sion you  will  make  use  <>l. 
if  you  ever  eonie  to  sleep 
in  it.  If  you  should,  please 
remember  that  the  neigh- 
bours can  hear  every  word. 

The  "Dining  Boom" 
(excuse  a  smile !)  has  this 
advantage.  By  standing 
in  the  middle  of  the  room 
you  can  put  all  the  pictures 
straight  without  moving. 
As  you  will  have  to  do 
this  every  time  a  District 
Train  passes,  this  is  an 
advantage. 

It  is,  however,  the  only 
one. 

The  "  Drawing  Room  " 
is  no  doubt  so  called  be- 
cause it  has  a  beautiful 
north  light  which,  we 
believe,  artists  find  indis- 
pensable. 

And  just  look  at  the 
tiles  in  the  fireplace  .  .  . 
No,  you  are  quite  right  to 
restrain  your  feelings  ;  this 
is  a  family  paper. 

The  "  Hall,"  yon  will  ob- 
serve, is  one  of  those  long 
thin  halls  so  fashionable 
in  r'latland.  We  ourselves 
should  have  called  it  a 
passage. 

It  is  lighted  by  a  "bor- 
rowed light  "  which  might 
just  as  well  be  returned 
to  the  person  who  lent 
it  for  all  the  good  it  is 
doing. 

Ah!  the  "Bathroom."  Very  small 
you  say  ?  Wait  a  bit ;  shut  the  door  .  .  . 
so.  Now  yon  see  there  is  plenty 
of  room  to  get  into  the  bath,  if  you 
don't  have  a  chair  or  a  towel  in  the 
room. 

The  "  Kitchen "  is  nice.  See  how 
thoughtfully  they  have  put  the  window 
opposite  the  range,  so  that  the  cook 
shall  not  have  the  glare  in  her  eyes 
when  she  is  stirring  the  soup  ! 

What's    that    you    say?     You    have 


found  a  pog'ttieely  dcllijlilful  coal-cup- 
board which  makes  up  for  everything, 
as  so  few  flats  have  any  accommodation 
for  coal  ? 

One  minute  please  !  Do  you  really 
think  that  it  is  a  coal-cnplxiard  ? 

Look  !  what  are  those  three  pegs  for? 

Do  people  put  pegs  in  coal-cupboards  ? 


we  tell  you  what  it  is?   Very! 
well  then  ....  That,  Madam,  we  beg  ' 
most  humbly  to  inform  you,  HUT  is  the 
"Servant's  Bedroom"  ! 


And  he  blew  on  his  fist  and  hissed, 
And  he  cocked  his  eye  awry. 

He  eyed  McBitmi:  in  his  pride, 

As  he  shred  the  shag  in  his  Ixiwl, 

And  he  lurched  to  his  side,  astride, 
To  talk  with  a  hero-soul. 

''  Kadi  rip  of  a  nx-k,"  said  he, 
And  he  handed  Mirk  a  light, 

"  T.I  old  Kilkae  and  the  sea,- 

You  know  it  by  day  and  night ?  " 

The    pilot    shaded     the 

light, 
And  he  puffed  till  the 

bowl  was  red  : 
"  By  day  and  by  night — 

you  're  right  - 
Teetotal  or  tight,"  he 
said. 

There  came  a  knock  and 

a  shock, 
And    the    passengers 

rushed  from  bed : 
"Ay,  every  rock  o'  the 

flock: 

We  're  on  wan  o'  thim 
now,"  he  said. 


INSTEAD  OF   GOINO  TO  THE  EXPENSE  OF  INSURING  TOUR  DOMESTIC,  wirr 

ADOPT    THE     ABOVE    PRECAUTIONS    DURING    THE    ASCENT    OF  MARY    ANN   WITH    THE 
COAI.S  ? 


THE  PILOT  OF  THE  SHANNON. 
THE  mighty  MICKY  McBmnE 

Was  vrorking  her  out  to  sea : 
Pride  of  the  Shannon-side, 

And  prince  of  the  pilots,  he. 

There  came  a  little  chap 
Of  the  peery-query  school, 

With  his  ears  in  the  flap  of  his  cap, 
And  an  eyeglass  and  a  stool. 

He  looked  at  the  rising  mist, 


And  he  looked  at  the  lowering  sky,  she  at  home? 


AN  ARITHMETIC  PAPER. 

i. — MR.  THOMAS  Bitmvx- 
KIGO,  who  keeps  a  china  and 
crockery  shop,  has  I'll'.i 
pieces  upon  his  shelves. 
A  lady  calls  in  the  morn- 
ing and  buys  two  vases,  a 
boy  calls  in  the  afternoon 
and  buys  a  penny  mug, 
and  a  bull,  passing  down 
the  street,  calls  in  the 
evening.  Mr.  BKOWM:H;<; 
is  wearing  a  red  waist  coal. 
State  how  many  pieces  of 
crockery  are  in  Mr.  BIIONVN- 
HIIJG'S  shop  at  closing  time. 

It. — An  Englishman,  an 
Irishman,   and    a   Scotch- 
man  come  to  a  ferry  on 
a  cold  day  in  mid-winter. 
The  fern-man  states   that 
he  can  only  take  one  pas- 
nger    across   at  a  time, 
T  and    that    owing    to    tin- 
severity  of  the  weather  his 
charge    will    lx>    sixpence 
instead  of  threepence.     The  Englishman 
!  demurs,  but  finally  pays  and  goes  over  ; 
the  Irishman  demure  also,  but  finally 
;  also  goes  over. 

In  how  many  strokes  did  the  Scotch- 
!  man  swim  across  ? 

jn.—Miss  TABITHA  TIMMIKS  is  half  a 
mile  from  home  at  6.12  P.M.     At  6.18, 
when  she  is  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from 
home,  she  sees  a  mouse. 
How  many  seconds  before  6.20  was 


VOL.   CIXXII. 


110 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   l.nM>oN_CHAIM\  \RL_          [Farom  13.  1907. 


NATURE    STUDIES. 


:       r      .  M  « 

I  sun  no  liking  for  docks  at  any  time :  that  is  to  K 
docks  that  go.     So  long  M  they  are  content  to  b. 
oraamenu  I  cmn  tolerate  them,  but  I  hate  to  MO  the  irrevocable 
miontei  slip  away  under  their  hands  or  to  bear  them  announce 
in  their  brawl  voices  the  death  of  the  hour*.    But  of  all  clocks 
the,  bedroom  dock  »  the  most  detestable,  for  it  adds  to  its 
ordinary  irritation*  the  capacity  to  keep  a  man  awake  by  its 
infamous  ticking  and  its  ruthless  pedantical  striking. 

In  the  pfM**-  of  this  particular  clock,  however,  I  had  no 
option,  for  it  stood  on  the  mantelpiece  of  a  bedroom  which 
had  been  assigned  to  me  in  a  seaside  hotel  It  was  an  honour- 
able room,  lor  it  had  once  been  a  sitting-room,  and  amongst 
Uw  relics  of  its  former  splendour  it  still  retained  this  mauao- 
leoxn  of  black  marble  which  did  duty  as  a  time-piece.  Nothing 
more  ponderous  and  gigantic  could  well  be  conceived. 
was  as  solid  as  the  British  constitution,  and,  apparently,  as 
immovable  as  a  well-fed  Archbishop.  It  seemed,  when  first 
iw  it,  to  add  an  air  of  traditional  comfort  and  dignified 
repose  to  the  apartment  in  which  my  nights  were  to  be  passed. 

When  the  moment  for  turning  in  had  arrived,  I  slipped 
luxuriously  into  an  acre  of  bed  and  began  to  compose  myself 
to  sleep.  It  was  then  that  I  first  noticed  the  ticking  of  the 
dock.  I  had  entered  my  bed  on  the  side  nearest  to  the  fire- 
place (where,  by  the  way,  a  cheerful  fire  was  burning),  but 
under  the  stress  of  this  regulated  din  I  soon  moved  away 
until  I  found  myself  lying  on  the  extreme  edge  close  to  the 
door.  It  was  in  vain.  The  ticking  which  had  been  BO 
gentle  in  the  daytime  now  sounded  like  n-iter.it.-l  strokes  of 
doom.  I  began  to  doubt  my  powers  of  sleep.  Perhaps  if  1 
wound  my  shert  tightly  round  my  ears— but  before  I  could 
do  this  the  clock  committed  an  enormous  imprudence:  it 
set  to  work  and  struck  eleven.  Hig  Ben  was  a  baby  to  it. 
Boom !  Boo-oom ! !  At  the  third  stroke  I  was  out  of  bed, 
and  the  clock  and  I  faced  one  another  prepared  for  a  desperate 
conflict. 

Of  coarse  I  had  determined  to  stop  it.  Its  weight  and 
the  height  at  which  it  stood  made  the  operation  difficult,  but 
I  was  not  in  the  mood  for  being  stayed  by  difficulties,  and  I 
made  up  my  mind  at  all  costs  to  get  at  its  back,  where,'  I 
judged,  I  should  find  a  lid  that  would  give  me  access  to  its 
pendulum.  First  I  tried  to  draw  it  bodily  towards  me,  but 
it  resisted  successfully.  I  then  seized  one  side  of  it,  and  by 
the  application  of  great  strength  managed  to  return  the 
penny,  or  rather  to  dislodge  the  clix-k.  Slowly  and  reluctantly 
and  with  a  horrid  scraping  noise  of  marble  on  wood  it  pivoted 
and  came  away  in  my  hands  until  I  had  got  it  to  an  angle  ol 
!"•  I  saw  the  lid,  but  it  opened  the  wrong  way,  and  I  had  to 
pull  the  dock  still  further  Defore  I  could  lay  open  its  works. 
At  last  I  did  it,  and  then,  cautiously  inserting  an  eager  finger, 
•tapped  the  pendulum.  Five  minutes  for  refreshments. 

Of  course  I  couldn't  leave  the  dock  in  this  absurd  position. 
The  chambermaid  would  bare  spotted  it  on  the  followii 
morning ;  she  would  have  suspected  me  of  having  committ 


complicated  tort  upon  the  furniture,  and  in  any  case 
the  dock  would  have  been  set  going  again.    I  was  compelled, 
to  move  it  back.    I  began  with  great  care,  but  th. 


i  thing  stuck  so  obstinately  that  at  last  I  pressed  too 
hard ;  it  jerked  and  jolted,  and  tick  !  \i<  k  !  there  it  was 
once  more  in  full  blast.  Knd  of  round  two,  with  n 

..  •  - 

this  time  my  legs  were  scorching,  and  I  was  in  n 
profuse  state  of  perspiration.  To  save  my  legs  I  girt  mysell 
with  the  bed-cover  round  my  waist  and  came  up  to  the  scratd 
again.  Rounds  three  and  four  need  not  be  described  at  any 
length,  for  they  wen  an  exact  repetition  of  rounds  one  and 
two.  The  clock  had  now  got  its  back  against  the  wall  and 
in  order  to  mark  its  triumph,  had  struck  the  quarter  after 


n  in  the  manner  of  a  catln-lr.il.     What  was  to  l>e  done? 
If  I  could  somehow  stop  tin'  pendulum  without  shifting  the 
i    would     incline    its    top   over    until    the 
.ilium  wa-  up   again-!    the  Works  and   Mopped, 

m,l  ,  dd  slowly  allow  the  clcx-k  to  settle  back  again. 

So  sooner  thought  than  done.  I  took  hold  of  the  top  and 
with  a  mighty  mn-cular  effort  inclined  it  over,  d 
3ing!!  Boom!!!  The  pendulum  dropped  off  iu  hinge. 
and  the  clock  began  to  tick  violently  nt  t1  •••  i  ate  of  a  million 
o  the  minute.  The  hands  went  I  ravelling  with  a  vi-ible 
celerity  over  its  face.  In  a  In  .••  of  I  would  stiike 

;welve,  and  so  goon  striking  with  hr.rdly  an  interval  all  i 
through. 

I  shall  not  relit.-  in  detail  how  I  moved  it  again;    how  I 
opened  its  infernal  lid  ;    how  a  hole  was  Ringed   in  the  Ix-d- 
cover;    how  I  fished   in  the  d<x-k's  entrails  and  found  and 
replaced  the  pendulum  (for  by  no  human  power  could  I 
:he  curtailed  hinge  from  ticking  away  the  night);  and  how 
[  finally  triumphed  over  it,   not  without  tears  and    silent 
execrations.     On  the  following  morning  the  clock-man 
on  his  weekly  round  to  regulate  the  hotel  clocks.    At  mid- 
day my  clock  was  going  again.    There  was  nothing  for  it. 
[  changed  my  room. 

THE  CONSTANT  LOVERS;  OR.T1IK  ACK  TO  MAIMiY. 

["A  woman  of  Stevenage,  HerU,  aged  serrnty-aix,  ia  g<> 
Australia  to  marry  her  old  lover,  whom  she  last  loot  trace  of  fifty  • 
ago.    Since  their  separation  the  woman  hag  been  married  three  • 
and  the  man  four.'      l>nily  <  'hroniclf.] 

She. 
THROUGH  all  the  long  years  that  hare  passed  since  you 

courted  me — 
Fifty  long  years,  to  confess  to  the  truth — 

uit  affevtion  alone  has  supported  me, 

Love  for  the  lad  who  was  king  of  my  youth. 

True,  since  we  parted  my  name  has  kept  altering, 

Orange  lias  frequently  bloomed  on  my  brow, 
But  while  on  my  lips  the  coy  "  Teases  "  were  faltering, 
I  was  adoring  thee  then,  love,  as  now. 
No  girlish  passion  mine, 

blustering  fusee 
Which  flares  a  bit  when  it  is  lit 

And  then  goes  0-U-T. 
A  passion  more  divine 

Within  this  bosom  rages ; 
The  furnace  hot  which  dwindles  not 
Is  only  ripe  old  a. 

Hi. 

While  you.  little  lovebird,  wen-  Tom  Hick  and  Harrying, 

W.-n-l  by  the  swains  in  the  land  of  your  birth, 
I,  like  yourself,  was  persistently  marrying 
Far.  far  away  at  the  ends  of  the  earth. 

-pile  of  appearances,  dear,  of  a  surety 
Still  to  my  earliest  love  1  wa-  true, 
And  now  my  fond  he-art  in  tin'  bloom  of  maturity 
Beats  more  than  ever,  1* 'loved,  for  you. 

No  boyish  passion  mine,  etc. 

'hrr. 
The  poets  may  prate  -  and  then'  always  are  plenty,  dear, 

Ready  to  harp  on  that  elderly  string 
Of  passionate  youth  and  divine  sweet-and  twenty,  dear  — 

I  have  no  patience  with  that  sort  of  thing. 
Your  lajwesand  lads  lose  their  hearts  all  too  readily  ; 

l.»ve  is  a  passion  for  women  and  men  ; 
Then  here  V  to  the  llame  that  has  lenrnt  to  burn  steadily  ! 

Love  isn't  love  till  you  >.•  t  md  ten. 

mine,  etc. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRCAHY  13,  1907. 


THE   MAMMOTH   DIN   CITY. 


FEBRUARY  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


113 


,t 


THE    EXTREME    PENALTY. 


She.  "WHAT  DO  you  THINK  OF  HIS  EXECUTION?' 


lie.   "  I  'M    IN   FAVODE  OF   IT." 


BURNS  TRANSLATED. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH,— The  immortal  name  of  ROBERT  BURNS 
has  been  so  much  in  everybody's  mouth  of  late  that  I  venture 
to  call  attention  (through  the  medium  of  your  columns)  to  my 
forthcoming  translation  of  the  great  Scots  poet.  As  doubtless 
you  have  noticed,  previous  editions  of  his  works  have  been 
published  in  the  original  tongue  in  which  they  were  written  ; 
and  although  in  most  cases  a  Scots-English  Dictionary  has 
been  superadded,  yet  to  a  busy  man  the  business  of  looking 
up  each  word  separately,  and  of  working  out  a  translation  for 
liimself,  must  have  been  an  unduly  laborious  one. 

In  my  translations  I  have  endeavoured  throughout  to 
render  the  thoughts  of  BURNS  in  all  the  directness  and 
simplicity  of  their  original  diction  ;  and  if,  to  accomplish  this, 
1  have  been  compelled  occasionally  to  sacrifice  the  lilt  and 
musical  sweetness  of  the  immortal  ploughman's  verse,  yet  a 
little  reflection  will  show  that  some  such  sacrifice  was 
inevitable.  Rhyme  and  reason  seldom  go  together,  and,  in 
the  interests  of  humanity,  1  have  thought  it  best  to  preserve 
the  reason  at  the  loss  of  a  rhyme  or  two ;  for,  in  the  works  of 
a  master,  the  substance  is  ever  preferable  to  the  shadow. 

But  perhaps  this  is  better  shown  by  means  of  an  example ; 
and  I  am  therefore  taking  the  liberty  of  enclosing  a  specimen 
translation,  which,  1  trust,  you  will  put  before  your  readers. 
I  am;  &c.,  ANGUS  McJoxES. 

AULD  LAKCI  SYNE. 

i. 
It  would  be  a  most  improper  proceeding  to  cancel  the  claims 

of  antique  friendship  ; 
And  to  refrain  from  remembering  them; 


That  is  why  we  ask  if  such  connections  should  be  foregone, 
Together  with  the  days  that  were  a  long  while  since  ? 

Ghana. 

A  long  while  ago,  iny  dear, 

In  other  days ; 
We  will  partake  of.the  proffered  refreslunent 

For  the  sake  of  the  past. 

it. 
Each  of  us  has  run  all  over  the  place 

And  gone  daisy-picking ; 
But  we  have  become  dead-dog-tired 

Since  those  days.  [Chorus  as  before. 

m. 

We  have  gone  paddling  by  the  sad  sea  waves  from  shortly 
after  breakfast  until  the  boarding-house  gong  has 
sounded  for  luncheon, 

But  you  have  been  dwelling  in  another  parish  since  then. 

[L'horus  as  before. 

IV. 

Still,  considering  all  things,  I  offer  you  my  hand, 

If  you  will  condescend  to  extend  your  digits  towards  me ; 
And,  if  we  have  sufficient  wealth  l)etween  us  to  account  for 
the  diversion,  we  will  just  have  twopenny  worth  more, 
to  be  shared  in  equal  parts, 
For  the  sake  of  the  days  tliat  have  been. 

Chorus. 
A  long  while  ago,  my  dear, 

In  other  days  ; 
We  will  partake  of  the  proffered  refreshment 

For  the  sake  of  the  past. 


114 

A  TRAP 
MM.  Pranrt 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13>  1907' 


FOR  COUNTRY  MICE. 


A:. 


out. 


Lcr  as  bef 


,.it    it    i- 


' 

Sw^Sne^ettyact  ,hmK  h,n  driver  to  ad^nce  the  vehicle 

Bsultwas  that  all  the  hand,  .1  few  yards  along  the kerbat one d  tl"' 
For  a  while  the   greatest  regular  atoppuw  phoe»,«ed  to. 
Drerailed,  as  it  was  feared   1.  "        f  tl'«  firet 

that  a  money  Pfamine  would  ewue.but  dutie,  of  the  ^fr?*™^*?** 
by  a  brilliant  inspiration  the  manage- 
ment, acting  in  co-operation  with   the 
police    (who     notoriously     know 


the 


,t   tin-   Mint   wai   to   i.n.\i-l.- 
with  tin-  UTS*  commiui'l  "  lr«-nii>." 


,  for  a 
ental 


„    in,  and  every 
fully  Marched  on  Wring. 
impossible  to  eeenle  a  few 
(such    M   half  -sovereigns, 
threepenny  biu)  under  the  t 
special  fimrisl.  with  an  "i/w 
diploma,  is  there  far  no  other  purpose 
tnsn  to  fail  such  ingenuity 

The  first  room  that  one  enters,  after  trade. 
hiring  all  one's  pocket* 
sewn  up  and  receptacles 
moored,  is  the  metal 
room.  Here  are  huge 
rats  of  nebed  gold  and 
silver  and  hroo«e.  In 
the  next  room  is  the 
alloy,  far  if  pure  metal 
-  ••  •  ••  .  - 
would  be  so  soft  that 
people  might  take  them 

In  the  next  room  are 
the  moulds  into  which 
the  metal  is  poured. 
In  the  next  the  coins 
are  milled,  a  large  staff 
1.1  pugilists  being 
retained  for  this  pur- 
pose. This  room  is 
known  as  The  Floss.  A 
notice  orer  the  door 
ears,  "  Threepenny  biu 
not  admitted."  This 
trfuMl  to  allow  three- 
penny biu  to  be  milled 
led  some  yean  ago  to  a 

part.      But    although    they   got 
TAJTJCKS   to    spnsr    for    them,    it 


nt  uldresM  of  all  the  leading  criminals). 
..rsuaded  a  number  of  the  most  expert 
.tier*   iii   London  and  the  provinces 
.  lend  their  services.     In  spif  "f  ,1, 
ins  terminal    picketa    these    brave   fellows 
—    were    at    their    pasta    regularly   every 
day,  and  thus  the  difficulty  was 
over  until  KOTS  came  to  their 

senses.    Hie  snidesmen  tin  n  returned 
to  their  dens  and  resumed  their  proper 


OCR   UXTIUVnvoltTHY   ARTI.fT   IS    I.<>N1><>V. 
Vurrots  »u»a  oomocno  ruiooan  HIE  MIM 


Dr. 


The  chief  of  the  Millers,  from   hi* 
Ikphistophelean  appearance,  is  known  s.  j*1..1*""*- 
Oocrn.     Picture  postcards  of  him,  with  ' 
his  head  on  Mr.  Justice  DAKUVO'S  body, 
may  be  bought  at  the  door.    lie  lives 
entirely  on  crime  it  atsntfc* ;  he  wean  a 
white  hat  (far  obvious  reasons);   and 
doesn't  care  a  Dae. 


CHUTES  XXVII. 
Mint  Nickname*. 

All  the  official*  of  the  Mint  hare  their 
Thus  the  Governor  is  known 
i  LAMB,"  and  the  head  of  the 
Shilling  Department,  "  Boas." 


Cum*  XXVUI. 
Other  Coinage*. 
Money  is  not  the  only  thing  coined  at 


him 


XXIX. 

nati. 

Several  desperate  ntt.-m|.t.s  hav.-  l»-t-ii 
made  on  the  Mint,  Imt  umi.-  hav.«  been 
successful.  The  latest  is  our  <>uu. 


SIIAKSI'KAKK   CLAKIFlKh. 

SHAKSPBARB  was,  of  course,  tin- 
of    A  This  explains,   and    i 

certain  extent  excuses. 

many  uliM-uritit-s  in  his 
].|;i\s.  To  tin-  l.-arii.-<l 
M-holiaM«  ami  romiiifii 
tatora  who  hare  habitu- 
ally misunderstood  tins 
great  man,  these  notes 
are  cheerfully  dedicated. 

"UtMloi    occupation's 
gone!" 

What  teat  his  occupa- 
tion? Some  have  sug- 
gested, from  his  colour. 
that  he  ran  a  Moor 
and  Burgess  touring 
minstrel  company,  Imt 
tin-re  are  grave  objec- 
tions to  this  view.  Moor 
granted,  who  was 
Burgess  ?  No  ! 

Othello  typified  the 
country-house  Smart  S-t 

man    of   SlIAKSPEABE's 

(lay. 

"  Itude  am   I    in  my 

speech"  gives  the  clue 

to  his  character  at  <>m-c. 
"  Were  it  my  cue  to  fight,  I  should 
bare  known  it  without  a  prompter  " 
shows  clearly  tliat  he  was  experienced 
in  country-house  t!  A  hint 

as  to  his  restaurant  m  -I.-  of  life  i>  ^iv<-n 
by  "I  shall  not  dine  at  li»mc,"  while 
the  most  com-lusive  j.r.  .  .f  of  all  comes  in 
the  last  Act.  Othello  smotherc-l  Itetde- 
mona  in  a  pillow-fight  ! 


Ourm  XXVI. 
Tkt  Gnat  Strike. 


i  the  mastiff,  who  is 


the  Mint.    It  may  not  be  generally  known 
I  that  phrases  are  coined  there  too.    Three 

•      .-   :    •  .:  '.••;.;       • 

where  some  of  the  ablest  of  Fleet  Street's 
young  brains  meet  three  «r  f  mr  times  a 

ge.     All  the 


to  bit*  the  coins  to  see  if  they 
an  good.  This  reminds  as  tost  the 
most  interesting  chapter  in  the  history 

of  the  Mint  was  the  great  strike  of  1873.  long  been  opened,  tmt  it  has  been 
owing  to  the  high-handed  conduct  of  to  be  of  the  greatest  sen-ice.     All  kinds 


.-..•••-     .   •   •       • 
best  new  words  and  locution*  are  in- 
rented  here.    This  department  has  not 


high-handed  conduct  of  to  be  of  the  greatest  service, 
official,  who  fined  one  of  of  people  resort  to  it    for 


ll'/io  did  Sh<il;*peare  give  Hohtmia  a  tea- 
eoa*  in  the  "Winter*  Tale  "f 

This  has  been    j.nt    down    to  sheer 

..How  critics,  to  miss  the 

obvious  symbolism  of  it!     Ar     not   all 

Bohemians  waiting   for   their  Hhii>s   to 

reach  shore? 

(To  be  continued.) 


"  Lady  reconuuendn  L'./.  ur  single  as  in  . 

Scotsman. 

Mr.  I'unch  modestly  recommends  3d. 


FEBRUARY  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


115 


TO  A  SEAGULL 

CHILD  of  the  air's  illimitable  zone, 

Thou  spirit  daughter  of  the  BOS,  and 

sky, 
full  many  a  bard  has  ta'en  thee  for_his 

own, 
And  so,  of  course,  do  I. 

In  thee  the  winged  symbol  of  Romance, 
The  finer  spirit  panting  to  be  free, 

Sees  what,  if  only  given  half  a  chance, 
He  might  aspire  to  be. 

A  soul  ethereal,  pining  to  discard 
All  earthly  ties  and  live  at  Nature's 

beck-  - 
And  that,  if  I  may  say  so,  's  where  the 

bard 
Is  talking  through  his  neck. 

Thou  to  the  baser,  more  material  mind 
Art  but  a  wildfowl,  and  as  such  endued 

By  kindly  Nature  with  an  unrefined 
But  lively  lust  for  food. 

Nor  artthou  such  a  thingas  I  should  deem 
Could  lend  enchantment  to  a  poet's 
views ; 

More  cogent  reasons  urge  thee  as  a  theme 
For  ALGOL'S  tragic  Muse. 

0  when,  my  bosom  bound  in  triple  brass. 
I  lay  on  deck,  a  prey  to  fierce  unrest, 

What  time,  a  sailor,  I  designed  to  pass 
The  Channel's  foaming  crest, 

Thine  was  the  voice  invoked  mine  ears, 

above 
'I'h  i-  throb  of  engines  and  the  tempest's 

breath, 

As  I  lay  prone,  and  more  than  half  in  love 
With  easeful  death. 

Thine  was  the  genial  but  derisive  yell 
That  jeered  at  me  as,  striving  all  in  vain 

To  look  as  if  I  hadn't  been  unwell, 
I  crept  on  land  again. 

And  later,  tossing  in  a  restless  sleep 
Born  of  the  swaying  of  the  Paris  Mail, 

1  frit  anew  the  terrors  of  the  deep, 
And  heard  thy  mocking  wail. 

Once  more  (in  dreams)  I  strewed  that 

leeward  bench, 
The  helpless  plaything  of  the  raging 

blast, 
Keeling  convinced    that  each    internal 

wrench 
Would  surely  be  my  last. 

And  now  I  never  stroll  upon  the  beach 
And  watch  thee  soaring  blithely  over- 
head ; 
Or  pause  on  London  Bridge  and  hear 

thee  screech 
For  casual  doles  of  bread, 

But  poignant  memory  conjures  up  anew 
That  sickening  hour  when  I  essayed  to 
brave, 

With  ignominious  results,  the  blue 
And  oh  !  so  restless  wave !       ALGOL. 


Waitress  (handing  stodgy-looking  steak).  "  AND  WHAT  WILL  TOO  HAVE  TO  FOLLOW,  SIB?" 
American  Customer.  "  INDIGESTION,  I  GUESS  !  " 


THE  USELESS  WILES  RESTAURANT. 

[With  apologies    to    the    enterprising  pro- 
gramme of  another  restaurant  of  similar  name.] 

Ideal  Luncheon  Menu  for  Is.  Qd. 

Ape-nuts  Soup. 

Mussels. 
Anterior  Deltoid  of  Cabbage 

with  Proteid  Sauce. 

Plasmon  Chops  and  Samson  Tyres. 

A  deep  Breath. 

Sandowiches. 


Programme  of  Lectures,  social  afternoons. 
'Every  Friday : 

Scullery  Demonstration,  of  5  courses. 
(Chutney  to  Shortcake.) 

Every  other  Friday :  Lectures. 

C.  B.  FRY         on  "  Cocoa  and  Concen- 
tration." 

HYGIENE  SANT£  on  "  Toning  and  Develop- 
ing," , 
followed  by  a  Hypo  Bath. 


W.  T.  STEAD        on  "  Posing." 
SMACKENHIT          on  "  Wrestle's  Milk." 
EUSTACE  MILES,  )  on  "  Sterno-Cleido-Mas- 

M.A.  J          toids  I  have  met." 

WILLIAM  SIKES    on  "  Shoplifting." 

Notes  may  be  taken  and  no  questions 
asked. 


"  Saturday  was  vanishing  day  at  the  Royal 
Hibernian  Academy." — Cork  Constitution. 

VANISHING  Day  in  England  starts 
directly  after  Sending-in  Day,  and  con- 
tinues for  some  weeks.  No  doubt  it  is 
the  same  in  Ireland. 


"The  Marquis  DE  SOVERAL  is  one  of  the 
best  dressed  men  in  Society.  He  does  not 
play  Bridge,  but  his  ready  wit  makes  up  for 
the  deficiency." — Taller. 

THIS  is  unlike  most  people,  who  are 
not  readily  witty,  but  make  up  for  it 
by  playing  Bridge. 


1  I 


1TM  II.  MI;    nil-:   I.MMM.N   (  H.MilVMM. 


I  FEW. 


MY    SAD    NOVEL. 

Ii  I  had  had  any  notion  how  my  character*  would  h.ive 
behaved  they  should  never  have  come  to  th.it  delightful 
country-boose  p.,  Hut  1  thought  CUNUOB 

•lark,  quei : 

L.  . 

SOB  MALTUTns  (blond*  she-villain)  m  rusted  any- 

where. However,  after  that  evening  at  Bridge  t« -n  j-.m,  1 
pointa  and  trn  tltnuamnd  pounda  on  the  rubber  I  had 
induced  fnf.i'.n  to  meet  Lord  Yltuxox  i.;  in  the  billiard 
room.  '-  id  ordered  to  be  asleep  under  the  table  and 

to  wake  up  just  in  time  to  see  tbe  wicked  peer  give  CLOOAGH 
a  cheque.    Then  be  waa  to  emerge  and  demand  an 
nation,  which  the  proud  CUXUOH  would  refuse.     Tim 
at  the  beginning  there  was  a  beautiful  misunderstanding 
(Of  course  in  Chapter  40  it  would  be  explained  that  Lord 
Viujwax-w  was  merely  paying  hia  annual  subscription  to 

•       .  .       M  '-'  S'H      g  could    been 

simpler  than  tbe  hero's  words-  "  CLODAOH,  what  mean- 

l<i  you  take  money  from  this  unpriuripl<<d  reprobate?" 
Would  you  believe  that  instead  that  wretched  Yr,  M 
tea    halves!" 

.UN.    1  utnonatrated,  "at  tbe  very  outset  of  th 
yon  have  made  yourself  unsympathetic.      The  Tim: 
Club  will  never  send  an  emissary  disguised  as  an  Indian 
Raja  to  get  fifty  copies  of  your  adventures  at   wholesale 
price.    A  few  more  indiscretions  of  this  kind.  Sir,  and  1 
cast  yon  into  an  inebriates'  home  for  the  rest  of  the  n< 

However  there  waa  still  hope.  I  hid  ('i-ov-ii  behind  a 
palm  in  the  conservatory.  lie  fore  her  very  eyes  VIVIAN 
embraced  Lady  SUB  MALTRAVEM  and  exclaimed,  "  I  have 
always  loved  you  dearly.  Si  •,"  (In  Chapter  1 1  1  would  have 
shown  that  Lady  Si  i:  hud  untruthfully  told  Vims  th.it  she 
waa  his  sister  by  hia  father's  first  wife)  When  ('U.HM.H 
heard  this  declaration  she  waa  to  denounce  VIVIAX  as  a  base 
deceiver.  Instead  tbe  humorous  Hide  wretch  remarked, 
"When  you've  quite  finished  kidding  the  old  girl,  Ymr, 
you  might  take  me  down  to  am 

•  •OW;H,"  1  exclaimed,  "you  are  ruining  my  plot  by 
your  malice.  Will  Mr.  Hoorca  pose  as  the  hood  o'f  an  Ice- 
landic Free  Library  to  get  copies  of  your  adventures  at  thirty 
percent,  discount?  Be  very  careful.  <>r  you  sliall  be  thrown 
from  a  motor  and  lose  your  "fat.d  U  .or 

There  waa  just  an  atom  of  hope  left.  Lady  SUB  was  to 
open  a  parcrl  by  mistake  which  was  addressed  to  VIVIAN,  and 
seven  pounda  of  morphia  were  to  be  scattered  on  the 
breakfast  table.  In  '  i  ••  r  ti>  it  would  1-  d.-scrilied 
Lord  VILULVOHBT  lud  induced  Vivux  to  order  Urn  for  him, 
as  bin  rluiiiitt  n-fiiMxl  fimher  cn-dil.  The  falling  of  the 
morphia  was  CI/XIJUJB'H  cw.  In  a  Ix-.iutiful 
sperrh  ulie  was  to  donoumv  Vims  a*  u  mi~-r.il.le.  cnen.it. -I 
morphicmwaiac  and  cant  him  off  forever.  Would  \  ..  |..  1,.  ... 
that  the  dni-ilful  hnmy  ex, -Lium-l.  "  I  wish  um'd  1. nd  ,,,. 
yonrli>|  :VIB.  Mine's  broken." 

I  mid  angrily,  "  1  can  i  no  hjnger. 

You  shall  be  married  in  the  next  .ud  I  l,..pe,  your 

husband  will  beat  you.  IX>  vou  think  Mr.  Hoonoi  will 
pwt  on  green  spectacles  and  Use  whiskers  to  get  copies 
of  aoch  life  and  crimes  as  yours  on  the  cheap  ?") 

Still.  1  felt  the  marriage  would  make  up  for  much.    I  had 
such  a  lovely  description  of  bride  and  bridesmaids'  dresses 
I  had  copied  from  The  Lady.    Anyhow,  tbe  novel  would 
be  certain  of  a  fine  circulation  amongst  dressmaker- 
thoa»  wretched  characters  threw  me  over  once  more. 


and  GunuM  alipped  out  and  were  married  at  a  registry 
oftos— without  bridesmaids,  or  wedding-cake,  or  cheering 
peasantry  -  without  even  the  special  hymns  I  had  chosen  for 


(ImetthemjuiitaMtlii-yh.il  (•  •  iin- l.i-i  out: 

.1    inthcr  rurses  you.      Itul 
•iidn  fchall  i.      You  sh.ill 

.it  ull."      Ami  tli.-y  ili'li 


TIIK   SIMI'I.F.    l'l.\\. 

(nix  war  to  keep  ymini,'  in  l--lv  in  U>  Vcvp  yrmnf;  in  I 
with    lh.it  'I'ln    fr<'in    f"rrl««linj{.    HIH!    litflit 

Inew  which  are  the  uaual  accouipaiiimenU  of  ; 
•J 

)BAB  hidies,  I  sigh  when  I  see  how  you  fly  with  a  tremulous 
f •  .  r  glasses 

:id  if  a  trace  has  been  left  on  your  face  by  old  Father 
Time  as  he  posses. 

vanishing  charm  you  peruse  with  alarm  ;  each  wrinkle 
and  crink  '"dy, 

\nd  you  get  quite  a  turn   when  you  suddenly  learn  your 

complexion  U'gins  to  grow  muddy. 
You  shrink   when  you  light  cm  a  hair  that  is  whi; 

rather  than  weak  I  i.-r, 

iVith  a  twist  and  a  tw.-.ik  and  A  half-suppressed  squeak,  you 
pluck  from  its  place  the  offender. 

lly  heart  becomes  sore  (as  I  hinted  before)  to  reflect  on  the 

sorrows  you  go  through 
When  you  first  ascertain  that  your  efforts  are  vain  and  that 

age  is  licgimiing  to  show  through. 
Hut,  ladies,  why  \x-.\r  such  a  burden  of  care?    I  ask  you 

again,  why  endure  it? 
[  've  studied  the  cause  of  old  age  and  its  laws,  and  I  'in  only 

too  ready  to  cure  it. 
Then   away  with   the  puff  and   your  ointments  and  stuff! 

Away  with  your  jmwder  and  lotions, 
Kor,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  the  whole  secret  of  youth  is  to 

cultivate  proper  emotions. 

You  need  hardly  be  told  you  will  never  grow  old  if  you  ding 

to  youth's  characteristic. 
Then,  ladies,  lw  bright!     Let  your  hearts  remain  light,  and 

your  outlook  on  life  optimistic  ! 
You  must  always  refuse  to  give  way  to  the  blues:  th.-re  is 

nothing  that  proves  so  corroding 
To  the  bloom  that  is  seen  on  the  cheek  of  eighteen  as  the 

trick  one  may  get  of  foreboding. 
Whatever  befall,  never  worry  at  all.     If  you  are  not  desirous 

to  hurry 

Tin-  lines  tlint  Time  ploughs  on  your  lily-white  browa,  you 
-no,  never     must  worry. 


So,  happen   what  may.  still  contrive  to  be  gay— though  the 

chauffeur  elopes  with  your  daughter, 
Though  tin-  butler  is  found  lying  prone  on   the  ground  in  a 

puddle  of  something  and  water. 
Though   the  IMIVS   <-atch   the  mumps   and  come  out  in    big 

lumps,  though  the  parlourmaid  wakes  in  the  morning 
With   a  touch  of  the  'llu,  and   the   tweenyinaid   too,   and    the 

cook  says  she  wants  to  give  warning. 
It  is  simply  a  knack,  when  you  >.•  stretched  on  the  nick  and 

the  dentist  is  cracking  your  jaw-i*>nes, 
Not  to  think  of  the  tooth,  but  rcniemltcr  your  youth,  and  to 

•mile  in  the  face  of  the  suw-bonea. 


O*t  On  or  O«t  Out. 

jxwinft  iho  donor'i  health,  wonderm]  how  1 . 
fin*   Wham  and  Mr.   H.,  in  reply,  laid  he  CMUM  . 
enlighten  them.  ....  HP  gave  each  man  a  w-.Vs  holiday  , 

ft  Krko. 

TIIH  it  all  vi-ry  well,  but  so  few  of  us  can  spare  the  time 
to  do  that.     Next  tip,  please. 


FEBRUARY  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


117 


Churchwarden's  Wife  (irritably,  after  Service).  "  IT  's  NO  USE  TOUR  WEARING  THOSE  BLUE  GLASSES,  JOHN,  IF  YOU  WILL  SNORE  ! " 


A  VALETUDINARIAN'S  VALENTINE. 

IF  you  were  hoping,  PHYLLIS,  to  receive 

On  Thursday  instant,  by  the  Love-God's  poet, 
Endorsement  of  the  vows  I  pledged  one  eve 

Last  August,  on  our  bracing  British  coast, 
Forgive  me,  if  I  send  no  Cupid's  knot 

Nor  toasted  hearts,  like  savouries  of  fried  roe, 
To  symbolise  a  passion  soon  forgot 

When  summer  languished,  and  we  left  the  Hydro : 
Where  is  the  ozone  now  to  fire  my  blood  ? 
Where  are  those  beneficial  baths  of  mud  ? 

Our  pulses  echoed  to  the  breakers'  shout, 

The  pine  woods  were  a  tonic  when  we  kissed, 
The  saline  breezes  cleared  our  heads  from  doubt, 

The  management  controlled  our  diet-list. 
What  pain  to  think  of  those  salubrious  meals, 

The  cream,  the  eggs  (our  landlord  kept  his  own  hens) 
Now  as  I  sit  and  shake  from  head  to  heels, 

Expecting  asthma,  et  lirimtm  reponens : 
What  pain  to  dream  of  tender  smile  and  tiff 
When  Love's  receptacle  is  frozen  stiff ! 

Perhaps,  when  earth  disdains  the  icy  lumps 
That  Winter  squanders  from  her  wastrel  stoics, 

And  Phoebus'  radiating  process  pumps 
The  circulation  through  my  cardiac  pores, 


When  Summer,  ornamenting  bower  and  brake, 
To  Nature's  canvas  has  appended  "  pinxit," 

And  that  electric  course  he  bids  me  take 
Has  proved  the  curative  my  doctor  thinks  it, 

There  may,  but,  mind,  I  do  not  say  there  will, 

Be  symptoms  of  the  old  internal  thrill 

Till  then  the  incident  must  count  as  past : 

Yet  murmur  not  at  man's  ingratitude : 
Transfer  your  protest  to  the  stormy  blast. 

And  leave  me  to  concoct  my  patent  food. 
I  foster  relics  of  the  sweet  complaint, 

I  keep  that  lock  of  hair  you  kindly  scissored, 
But  if  the  feast-day  of  our  amorous  saint 

Must  fall  inside  a  month  of  frost  and  blizzard, 
The  proper  day,  my  dear,  for  Valentine 
Is  surely  February  29  ! 

Heavy  Work  by  the  Bishop. 

"  A  PROCESSION  was  then  formed,  and  the  Bishop,  carrying 
his  pastoral  staff,  the  font,  reading  desk,  pulpit,  and  altar 
" — Birrnhifiliam  Daily  Post. 


"  FOR  SALE.— Mahogany  Sheridan  Inlaid  Bedroom  suite." — Aberdeen 
Free  Press. 

"  Belonging  to  Mrs.  Malaprop  "  would  have  added  a  pleasant 
touch. 


1M   \<H.    M|;     |  UK    |.nMK)N   CHARIVAIM. 


18,  1907. 


• 


La*, {ft MV UUkmoml  "Now,  MB.  Joxn,  I  BOTE  I  OAB  BELT  01  THI  PCBITT  or  YOCB  MILK.     I  HAD  TO  OITE  cr  MB.  SMITH  BECACBE 

•H   »<LB   BBOUM  TWO-TB1SM  WATBB." 

If  r.  JAM*.  "  YOO  0*1  BBtT  US  THU.  If  OH.     It  '•  BW  PiBALTSBD  BT  TBB  PUBLIC  AIABOHUT." 


ANNALS  OF  PHYSICAL  RESEARCH   ON  COMMON- 
PLACE  CONCEPTIONa 

IL—  '"RUT  ALL  THAT  OUTTOB  B  MOT  GOLD." 

THE  Tariety  of  the  subject*.  dealt  with  in  this  research 
moaaililn  the  following  Bub-divi*ions  :  — 

L  —  Tta  MnrnuLooicAL  RBCLTB. 

Scsmwx.  AJIOCWT  or  GUTTEB.       AMOOWT  or  GOLD. 

PoraOoId  ............    lOOpwoeot  100  per  cent. 

80        „  0       „ 


Finally  we  have  the  Chemical  Section  :— 

SCB8TA50E.                   */.  GUTTM.  */.  OoLD. 

in  sunshine               ''•>  '000001 

in  fog                         0  -000001 

*  Koh-i-noor           800  0 
[•  Owing  to  the  expanse  of  thia  last  experiment  I  have  been  granted 

the  sum  of  £7  by  the  Royal  Society  to  defray  the  cost,  for  which 

generosity  I  lender  my  beat  thanka  ] 


100 
100 


0 

100 
0 

0       .. 
to  Mr.  W.  RISE.,  far  the 


OoldLmf 

GoldFUe  ............      40 

•Snid.  .......      go 

{•  For  Ik*  MteBW*  I  m  . 

to  Mr.  OBO  R.  SIM.  ud  lor  (be  figure,  to  my 

IL—  Tn  SOCIAL  Bom. 

EimiMnrra.       */.  Otrrm.  7.Qou>. 
MM  B   ?Mtti          1'" 

f*ith  JMWMl  btM.1 
10 

[M  MBBlcrirtid  by  BtMlf.] 
Fsir  J.  BCVTAJI  !'•!  0 


Sn»rt8H 


T11F.   IIKHALD. 

UMWELOOME  dish !  my  palpitating  heart 

Thrill*  at  the  si^ht  nf  thy  si:  tiled  hue, 

Now  vill.un.  .ii«ly  pink.  ii"'.\  almost  blue, — 
llall-nuirk  infallilili-  "f  rliiiharti  Urt. 
ALw,  no  trii-ks  .1  rnlni:iry  art 

Can  n-nilt-r  tli'  ••  M>;M-«  .ilil-'  ;  whon  n> 

wli'-n  «'M  ami  hitt'T,  who 
d  pan  hit  ]  '  ri-k  tin-  stringy  part? 

•'i«ni;h  I  RhuililiT  vvli.-n  I  «••••  thi'O  by, 
'1'lion-  BaKhrfl  mulili-nly  acTOM  my  miml 

'ITio  thmight  that  tlnm,  base  subject  of  my  rhymes, 
.      Art  the  sweet  harbinger  of  warmer  times ; 
Anri  .  I  gulp  thee  down  and  cry, 

"  When  Rhubarb  comes,  can  Spring  be  far  behind  ?'" 


I'l'NCII,   OR  TIIK  LONDOM  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  13,  1007. 


WILL    THEY    BELL    THE    CAT? 

"The  mice  resolved,  in  solemn  conclave,  to  hang  a  bell  about  the  neck  of  the  cat,  as  it  had  become  a  matter  of '  grave  importance' 

to  set  a  limit  to  her  persecutions.     But " 


FI;I'.I,TARY  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


121 


ESSENCE     OF      PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 


. 

: 

, 


• 

.    Uf'i.t 

,-  ri.  iv  '-i  Va 


.  .  « 


House  of  Commons,  Monday,  Feb.  11. 
— Ilouse  meets  to-morrow  for  Second 
Session  of  C.-B.  Parliament.  Seems  only 
last  week  we  were  here  slaving  through  : 
Autumn  Session.  A  little  more  and  we 
shall  see  the  year  round  at  West- 
minster. 

Quite  a  lot  of  men  about  looking  up  j 
their  lockers  and  the  like.  Came  upon 
PRINCE  ARTHUR,  passing  with  long  stride 
to  his  room  behind  the  SPEAKER'S  Chair. 
Kaiher  surprised  at  this  early  appear- 
ance. Usually  thinks  it  time  enough  to 
stroll  in  when  Questions  are  half  over. 

"  Yes,  TOBY,  dear  boy,"  he  said, 
"  that's  all  very  well  in  ordinary  times. 
But  just  now,  you  see,  ono  never  knows 
where  he  is.  Suppose  I  had  deferred 
putting  in  appearance  till  to-morrow 
I  might  have  found  someone  else  in 
possession  of  quarters  of  Leader  of 
Opposition.  Just  as  well  to  be  on  the 
spot  in  good  time — at  least  to  begin 
with.  Come  in  and  have  a  crack." 

(Thought  at  first  he  meant  a  biscuit 
and  glass  of  sherry  wine.     "  Crack,"  it 
seems,  is  Scotch,  and  means  chat  or  con- 
versation.   Shall  remember  this  when  1 ; 
meet  C.-B.  Use  of  word  casually  dropped  ; 
will  give  him  native-heath  feeling.) 


PARLIAMENTARY    VALENTINES. 

"And  how  have  things  been  going 
of  late?"  PRINCE  ARTHUR  asked,  settling 
himself  down  with  the  small  of  his 
back  deftly  fitted  in  the  thick  part  of 
cushions  of  armchair.  "  I  've  been  a 

Sood  deal  at  Whittinghame  since 
hristmas.  Been  putting  in  electric 
light  and  entertaining  my  family.  It — 
I  mean  the  electric  light  work — very 
interesting.  Haven't  had  time  to  see 
much  of  the  papers.  Hear  some  of 
our  fellows  have  been  saying  things 
about  me,  mutineering  and  that  kind 
of  thing,  you  know." 

I  admitted  there  had  in  certain 
quarters  been  something  of  the  kind 
going  on. 

"But  you're  all  right,"  I  said,  per- 
ceiving that  in  spite  of  assumed  levity 
lie  was  uneasy  in  his  mind.  "  AUSTEN 
will  stand  by  you  ;  has  said  so  publicly." 

A  bright  smile  illuminated  the  ex- 
pressive countenance  gazing  up  at  me. 
"  Ah !  "  he  said,  "  that 's  nice.  To  be 
patted  on  the  back  by  SON  AUSTEN  is 
all  I  needed  to  crown  a  career  not 
absolutely  unchequered.  Where  and 
when  did  he  speak  ?  Could  you  quote 
any  particular  kindness  ?  " 

"  Yes  ;   he  said  there  was  no  one  who 


could  succeed  you  in  the  Leadership  of 
the  Party,  and  if  there  were  one  he 
wouldn't." 

PKIXCE  ARTHUR  blushed ;  the  semi- 
tvslalic  rubbing  of  his  hands  showed 
that  the  emotion  was  one  of  pleasure. 

"  What  is  more,  WALTER  LONG,  speak- 
ing a  day  or  two  Liter,  adopted  and 
repeated  the  sentence  which,  to  use 
a  phrase  in  vogue  in  happier  days, 
crystallizes  the  situation." 

"  WALTER  LONG  ?  "  said  PRINCE  ARTHUR. 
"  Didn't  something  happen  to  him  ? 
Wasn't  he  brought  before  one  of  the 
Courts  for  what  they  call  faking  photo- 
graphs —  putting  CARSON'S  head  on 
(IKORGE  WYNDHAM'S  body,  or  was  it  the 
other  way  about  ?  " 

"Neither;    you've  got  mixed   up  a 

little.    .  The   photograph   case  is   quite 

another    story.      WALTER  LONG    merely 

expressed  opinion  that  the  defendants 

|  in  a  criminal  case  sub  judice  should  have 

been  convicted,  more  than  hinting  that 

j  BRYCE  was  at  the  bottom  of  the  plot  and 

I  was  accordingly  being  smuggled  out  of 

I  the  country — ostensibly  as  Ambassador 

;  to  Washington,  actually  to  avoid  scandal. 

Some  fussy  people  called  this  contempt 

of  court.     LONG  was  hauled  up  before 


PUNCH    "i:  Till-:   LONDON   <  II  \i:iv  MM. 


l.'t. 


•  -     '     .        '  •  •'  • 

•borelandumg*;  the  other  two  ». 

•    . 


Aarma. 
the, 


intending."      *aid      Pa»C* 
•  1   must  rmlly  see  more  of 


•HtkaV*  J  added, 
before  taking  you  under  hi*  wing  Box 
Anma  aamnmrf  that  you  are  all  right 
«m  lite  Tariff  Dotation,  and  that  you 
•tick  to  the  declaration  on  the  subject 
art  forth  in  the  valentine*  exchanged 
with  I  k>\. lost  a  year  ago." 

Pane*  Ajmnra'*  countenance  foil. 

"Are  they  still  talking  about  Tariff 
Reform?"  he  asked,  in  tones  that  almost 
made  him  moan.  "  I  am.  as  I  hare  often 
proclaimed  myself,  in  tho  true  sense  of 
the  word,  a  Free  Trader.  Abo,  in  n 
Pickwickian  sense,  I  am  a  Tariff  lic- 
former.  Only,  why  talk  of  these  thing* 
at  the  present  juncture?  As  \jm 
the  Opposition  my  basineas  in  to  c-riti- 
ciae  the  Government  in  the  llouao  of 
Cuuuuuua.  That  in  work  enough  for 
one  man  without  calling  ii|xm  liim  to 
make  definite  declarations  upon  :il< 
questions.  In  the  coming  S-ssion  1  mean 
t. -critioiae  pretty  steadily.  I'.-H.  •! 
know  what  is  in  store  for  him.  He'll 
Imrn  before  the  Session  in  many  days 
old.  Sony  that  the  prii>vupation  will 
prevent  my  writing  any  more  valentines. 
or  making  speeches  about  Tariff  Reform. 
Much  safer  to  criticise.  I » \\to\-.  \\h-n 
asked  the  secret  of  success  in  life,  parti- 
cularised audacity.  Mark  my  W,T.!-. 
TOST  mio.  the  policy  for  a  succeasful 
Leader  of  Opposition  is  to  avoid  •  m- 
harrassing  topics  seething  in  the  minds 
of  his  followers,  and  criticise,  criticise. 
crilicine.  .\  tirmain.  Here's  a  book 
I  're  just  picked  up,  and  now  I  'in  hen- 
may  as  well  finish.  Cheerful,  derating. 
Seasoned  with  sound  philosophy.  You 
should  get  it.  As  it  appenml  I-  f-rv 
era  of  net-price  books,  you  are  ; 
sure  to  find  it  in  Tl'ir  Time*  IViok 
Huh." 

•  What  *s  iU  name?" 

-  /^r/itKXNirt  on  Ilrath" 

done.— Preparing  to  do  it. 


WANTED.  A  LEADER. 

THE  appeal  to  UnionisU  in  the  current 
tfrfiffiJfevwietodialodgelfr  1 
from   the    leadenhip  of    the   Unionist 
Part  j  baa  hem  the  political  sensation  of 
the  past  fortnight.     Mr  1-uneh", 

I  tentative,  baring  called  on  a  nomber  of 

......      .       . 

tn  du  it  from  them  the  following  rain- 
able    tmiifsakjua    of   opinion   on    thin 

...  .    . 

Mr.  L  J.  Mint,  the  Editor  of  TV 

'•  •  ••-•.-;•• 


by  our  representative,  said  t! 

not   wisho-:  ;dge   the   m.iMer    by 

a  forward  any  single  name.    As  a 
matU'i  there  w. 

.      .      •  .-      .  .  •  . 

\  isoarr.  Mr.  HENHV  dun  .tv  the   ! 

of  Tlif  Mnriiinij  /'.-.<  the  A--.i-taiil  F.ditor 
ui.l  Mr  .1    I..(!MI\I\. 
Mr.    CHII-:  |  .crimps,     the 

but  Sir  HOWARD  VINO 
like  that  of  Mr  Civ  1  Mr  .Ions 

BRKIRT,  was  a  priceless  asset  Mr.(i\i;\is 
was  bv  far  the  most  brilliant  writer  living. 
The  Editor  of  The  Mtirnimj  I'ufl  had  a 
gigantic  mt.  ll.ei.  a  th.  u-aud  times  as 
great  as  Mr.  II\iJ>m:'s  and  a  million 
times  greater  than  Mr.  HRYI  K'S.  Tin- 
Assistant  Fxlitor  wasa  man  of  Napoleonic 
genius.  Failing  any  of  these,  Mr.  MAXSE 
said  that  any  intelligent  eel  would  lead 
the  party  with  more  backbone  than 
Mr.  HALTOCB. 

Mr.  I*  S.  AMK.HY.  in  reply  to  our  re- 
presentative, expressed  himself  fully  in 
i  with  Mr.  M\V-K.  that  if"  the 
I'nionist  Party  was  to  extricate  itself 
from  the  slough  of  despond  into  which 
it  had  fallen,  it  must  find  a  new  leader 


young,  dauntless,  alert   and  inflexible. 

my   own    part,"    continued   Mr. 

An  FRY.  "  I  think  that  no  one  has  a  better 

•laim  to  the  |H«t  than  Mr.  MAV-I:  him 

self.     His  vigour,  his  splendid  command 

»f  invective,  his  relentless  antagonism  to 

he  official  Mandarinate,  mark  him  out  for 

he  j-ost.     His  very  name  LBO,  again,  is 

an  omen  of  success,  for  what  are  lions  in 

our  path  if  we  hare  a  lion  to  lead  UB  ?  " 

Sir  GILBERT  PARKER  said  that   while 

vouth    and    intrepidity   were    splendid 

lualities,  the  ripe  wisdom  of  a  N 

was  not  to  be  sniffed  at.     Personally  he 

would   be  best  pleased   if    they  could 

nduce  Sir  Hr.siiY  HOWARTH  to  re-enter 

the  arena  once  more   and   devote    his 

mammoth   mind    to  the   reorganisation 

•f     their    shattered     forces.       He     f,  It 

itrongly   with   Mr.   MAXBE    that  at    all 

mrards  the    I'nionist   Mandarins   must 

DC   hurled    from   power,  and    who  was 

Ix-ltcr     fitt.-d     to     hud     the    onslaught 

him     the     veteran     historian    of    the 

Mongols? 

•  >*or  HEWINS,  the  eminent  econo- 
mist, was  of  opinion  that  they  wanted  a 
man  of  greater  magnetism  and  charm  of 
personality  than   their  present   i, 
The  party  was  weary  of  dialectics 
wanted  a  popular  hero,  like  Mr.  0   It 

Pw— whose  fim  two  initials,  he  lM-lieved, 
quite  belied  his  real  w-ntime. 
THOMAS  Lmtw.  If  the  liadical-d.vidcd 
to  continue  the  policy  of  "  Filling  up  the 
<'"p ."  Sir  THOMAS  wan  chirriv  the  man 
tofifl 

The    Editor   of   The    Morning    Port 
expressed  his  conru  •  .,  c,.ni|.li.ti- 

change    was    necessary.     The    present 
House  of  Commons  was  full  of  nev. 


highly    ei  ptilile    to 

•ic    impn-Miiot 
could  play  npm  them  like  an  old  fiddle. 

Mr.  <  ••  lAxnx  was  the  very  nm 

l.i  ki  ••)•  tht   lli.ii-c  in  order.    Hi 

to   ollice    would,   of    nun  .  -t     his 

appi  aranre*  on   the  Uijir'U   to   inn' 

luit    he    felt    sure    that     Mr.    .\n\\M>iit 

would    not   refuse    the  clear   call   of   his 

muntryinen.    IT    negh-ct    the    proph.-tic 

encounigenient  of  the  lii^ 

"  Like  AttMM'iu  I  will  rcigii, 

I  I  will  reign  alone." 

Mr.  HKNMKKK  HIMON  strongly  liacke-l 
nins  of  Sir  (Jur.nu  I'MIKI  i:.  The 
inient  woiiM  In-  enthusiastically 

nixl  in  the  Col.  mi--,  and.  after  all. 
the  change  would   not   IK-   violent,  as  lii^ 
name   contained    the    same    numl 
syllables  mi'  I   letters  as  that  of  AIM  in  u 
BAUOI  it. 

Isitrr.     The  diver.  jinion  dis- 

closed in  the  opinions  cit.  d  al»ive  has 
happily  IMI-II  dispelhil  by  nn  IIIICM 
ind  wch  onie  event     the  p-t  irement  from 
the   wroiling   arena  of    H\IM  v-i  IIMIIT. 
In  last    Friday's   ('lirmiiclr   tin-    I,' 
Lion  Mattel   tiiat   lie  was  going  t. 

ip  the  showman  side  of  hif  life.  "  I  \. 
made  enollgli  money,"  he  i  \pl:un.  il,  "to 
keep  myself  iii  comfort  for  the  n  -i  i.| 
my  life,  but  I  M  like  to  lie  doing  some- 
:hing.  ...  1  have  many  friends  all  over 
Kngland.  If  1  were  not  a  b'ns>iaii.  I 

hould    like    to    be    an     Englishman." 
Within  a  few  hours  of  the  appearance  of 
this    momentous    declaration,    a    n  pp- 
-.1  ntative  deputation  of  Tariff  Reformers 
waited  on   the  great  wrestler,  and  made 
lim  a  formal  offer  of  the  I'nionist  l-.uler- 
ship.    The  negotiations  have  i 
•onclinli-<l,  but  we  1  lave  good  reason  to  be- 

ievelhat  they  will  reMill  inthc  acceptance 
if  the  offer  subject  to  certain  condr 
These  are,  briefly,  tho  assumption    by 
ilvki  vsrusirar  of  a  surname  less  likely 

0  suggest  memlH-rship  of  the  Cob<l,Mi 
:'lub  or  sympathy    with    the    Potsdam 

1  'arty    in    the    pre-ent     Cabinet,    and    a 
-oleum   engagement   that,  in   all  c. 

in    the     floor    of    the    House,    the     new- 
will    entirely    refrain     from    the 
rickery   of  the  Jiu-.litMi   M\!e  afl 
iy  his  pmlecessor,  and  eonflne  him-.'lf 
M-lusively       to      the       striightforward 
nelliods     of     the     Cnmlx-Hand     school. 
Mr.  I.IOMAXBB,  who  has  lak.'ii  :i  leading 
•art    in    the    negotiations,    is    naturally 
l  with  tlie  prospect  <.f  securing 
fighting    man    to    l,nd    the 
Tariff    Heformers    to    victory.      As    he 
d    to   our   repri-scntalivc.    "  None 
>f  the  Ministi-rial  .Mandarins  could  stand 
to   H  \CKKN-U  HMini    for  one   moment 
bin:>  are  a-  s].ien(|li|  as  his  m>: 
I  feel  sun-  that   he  has  in  him  the 
makir.  i    I'ITT.     A  seat  will 

l>e  ft.und  for  him  without 
lelay.  but  the  question  of  his  costume 
still  present*  some  difficulties." 


ip 

!li~ 


FEBRUABY  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


123 


\ 


'THE    MERCIFUL    MAN 


M.  F.  n.  (just  moving  off  from  Meet  at  his  own  Jiouse).    "  HANO  IT  ALL,  SIB,  DON'T  BIDE  ON  THE  GRASS  !  " 
Monsieur  d'Haricot.    "  YOUR  GRASS  IT  VILL  GROW  AGAIN  ;  THE  FEET  OF  MV  'OBSE  NEVARE  !  " 


A  LEGEND  OF  TRAFALGAR 
SQUARE. 

THE  lion  is  a  noble  beast 

That  isn't  frightened  in  the  least. 

This  noble  beast  is  rather  rare, 
Its  habitat  'a  Trafalgar  Square. 

His  number  is  exactly  four, 

I  don't  know  why  there  are  not  more. 

Each  lion,  tired  of  being  dead, 

Woke  up  one  night  and  shook  its  head. 

The  incident  within  my  text 
Occurred  the  1st  of  April  next. 

Tlic'y  felt  so  hungry  that  they  ate 
A  poor  benighted  Suffragette, 

No  passing  stranger  raised  a  shout, 
There  were  so  very  few  about. 

Still  seeking  what  they  might  devour, 
They  met  a  man  of  temper  sour, 

\\  IHI  got  his  living,  more  or  less, 
By  writing  for  the  Yellow  Press. 

He  had,  when  stricken  with  alarm, 
A  lot  of  papers  on  his  arm. 

Tin-  lions  ate  him.     Sad  to  tell, 
They  ate  the  Yellow  Press  as  well. 

How  fleeting  was  their  fancied  gain ! 
They  soon  began  to  suffer  pain. 


Each  cried,  "  I  cannot  wag  my  tail, 
It  must  have  been  The  Daily  Pail. 

"  Alack  a  day,  ah,  woe  is  me, 
I  'vc  supped  on  New  Theologee." 

Said  No.  I. :  "  Look  out  for  squalls, 
I  'm  full  of  fighting  Music-halls." 

Said  No.  II. :  "  One  lives  and  learns, 
There's    something   at   my    heart   that 
Burns." 

"  I  really  fear,"  said  No.  III., 

"  These  earthquakes  will  demolish  me." 

Quoth  No.  IV.,  with  pained  surprise, 
"I  must  have  swallowed  several  lies." 

They  crawled  back  to  the  Square  again, 
They  turned  upon  their  backs  and  then — 

Kach  groaned  and  peacefully  expired, 
Which  was,  perhaps,  to  be  desired. 

Next  day  the  Press,  the  truth  to  shirk, 
Said  anarchists  had  been  at  work. 


COMPENSATION  QUIBBLES. 
(Decisions  by  Our  Legal  Expert.) 

THE  MANAGER  OF  THE  SPLITZ  :  "  One  of 
our  '  buttons  '  is  fifteen  years  old  and  his 
voice  is  about  to  crack.  If  it  breaks 
suddenly  while  he  is  in  our  employ,  to 
what  amount  are  we  liable  ?  " 

Half  value.    If  a  crack  voice,  you'will 


be  liable  on   CARUSO  basis.      Safer  to 
dismiss  him  and  get  a  dumb  waiter. 

THE  WIFE  OF  A  CHURCHWARDEN.:  "If 
my  lady-help  should  injure  herself  while 
carrying  up  coals,  scrubbing  the  front- 
door steps  or  sweeping  the  chimneys, 
should  I  have  to  pay  her  compensation  ? 
She  has  no  salary,  as  I  receive  her  on 
mutual  terms." 

If  delicately  offered,  she  would  no 
doubt  consent  to  receive  half  salary 
during  period  of  illness. 

MAJOR-GENERAL,  BRECKNOCKSHIRE  ROUGH 
RIDERS  (Retired) :  "  I  give  dinner-parties 
occasionally,  and  hire  my  greengrocer  to 
wait  at  table.  He  invariably  wears  an 
old-fashioned  dress-coat  with  tails  reach- 
ing to  the  ground,  and  he  invariably 
trips  over  them.  If  the  scoundrel  falls 
and  breaks  his  leg,  am  I  liable?" 

Yes.  Insist  on  his  wearing  an.  Eton 
jacket. 

MILS.  SHARPER  -  GORLING,  AOCRINGTON 
(LANCS.)  :  "  I  can  never  manage  to  keep 
servants  long,  though  I  am  sure  I  treat 
them  most  considerately.  Last  year  I 
had  eighty-seven  cooks  and  at  least  as 
many  housemaids  and  parlourmaids.  If 
I  have  to  take  out  a  separate  policy  for 
each  it  will  be  ruinously  expensive. 
What  should  I  do  ?  " 

Emigrate. 


m 


PUNCH,    "K   THK    LONDON   CH.MMVMM. 


13,  1907. 


THE    PERFECT    WOMAN. 
n. 

THK  room  WM  crowded.  My  partner 
;  ..  ..-  ;  -  .•••.-.'•:.• 
beantifully.  when  I  bad  the  bad 
to  catch  m  crab,  and  in  another  Moood 
we  wen  banned.  I  threw  ap  my  hand. 
"All  «aid,  and  we  ateer. 

• 

irfullv  Bony."  I  mid  to  my 

;       ••     r.   •..  .  :   •         :       -•    .       •         -  •        - 

I  hive  ever  eeeo  (not  that  it  mitten), 
"  bat  I  Mem  to  hare  the  rotteneat  luck 
I  danoe  with  you.  At  other 

She  looked  up  at  roe. 
"  Why.  of  course,  it  u  you  !     I  might 


haveraased. 

*.  didn't  you  know? 
flow 


I  knew  at 
once.    How  are  yon  getting  on  ?  " 

-  Oh.  all  right,  thanks." 

She  looked  vaguely  round  the  room, 
while  I  wondered  to  myself  where  I  had 
- 

"You  remember,"  she  began,  "how 
last  time  you  told  me  about  the  ZAXCMS 
and  the  Channel  Tunnel,  and  said  that 
to  every  pro-Tunnel  there  were  81,937 
anti-Tunnels?" 

"  Oh,  yon  mustn't  believe  everything 
I  say,"  I  remonstrated.  "  It  may  pos- 
sibly have  been  81,936.  or  even- 

"Oh,  but  I  do  believe  you  implicitly." 

"Do  you  really?"    l"  said,   eagerly 
"  Then  I  '11  tell  you  some  more." 

"  Yon  see,  you  told  me  wliat  all  tin- 
best  people  were  doing  about  tin-  Tunnel. 
and  the  Zinciom,  and  so  on,  and  I  found 
it  was  absolutely  true  what  you  said. 
And  now  I  want  to  know  some  more 
things,  because,  of  course,  such  a  famous 

statistician  as  yourself ' 

say."  I  interrupted.  "  did  I  toll  you 
last  time  I  waa  a  statistician  ?" 
«.    Aren't  yon 

M  Oh,  it 's  only  that  it  was  rather  a 
secret  Yon  ace,  my  family— I  mean 
the  profession  isn't  what  it  was  — of 
course,  I  don't  mind  you  knowing,  but 
don't —  Oh,  wi-11,  never  mind.  1  v  • 
let  me  help  yon  again  if  I  can." 

"I  wish  you  would,"  she  said.  •  I  \e 
been  moat  awfully  bothered  lately,  wliat 
with  the  New  Theology  and  the*  Music- 
hall  War  and  things.  I  simply  haven't 
known  what  aide  to  take.  But  of  course 
•  >  late  for  that  now." 

f  you  live  in  the  country.  If 
yon  live  in  the  country  or  in  the  sulmrlM. 
tt  is  not  yet  too  late  to  observe  cleverly 
that  the  New  Theology  M  neither  new 

•  • 

"Ah!  la  that  all  then  a  to  aay 
about 

well    Mr.  CAMPBCLL'S  name, 
of  course,  yon  will    only    mention  in 
whispers,    or    in    company    with    Mr. 
l  Buanx's.    Two  godleai  men." 

0.  EL  (as  I  called  her)  looked  down 
thougfatf . 


ro  these  really  your  own  views? " 

A'  statistician,"  I  said  importantly, 

"never  all  •"  i  '  •  •' 

interfere  with   his  f.  r.-wnrcin*. 

I  gathered  that  you  wiahed  L.  know 
wliat  all  the  beat  people  were  saying  and 
doing  about  these  matters." 

s.    That'.*  it.     I  want  to  I*-  tin- 
right  tiling,  you  know.     I  'm  not  .1 
:•-• 

•.  no.  I  quit*1  andentand.  Wi-11, 
then  we  come  to  the  Mu-ic -hall  War. 
That  is  just  over ;  but  still,  the  question 
might  uriso.  Wliat  have  you  been  doing 
alum  it?" 

'•I've  just  had  to  say  that  1  don't 
know  anything  about  mu-ie  hal!-  ' 

'  Well,  it  M  difficult,  dn  tin- 
one  luind  tin-  artistes  are  going  in  for 
peaceful  picketing." 

"  Whatever  's  that?" 

"Oh.  I  In-  very  dickens.  What  Social  iMs 
do.  Horrible!...  Hut  then,  on  the 
other  hand,  they  have  done  a  trrmfti<{iinx 
lot  for  the  ('ause  in  their  time.  If  you 
will  U-lieve  me,  ( !.  K..  they  think  nothing 
of  saying  'Good  old  .!<>K'  in  tin-  middle 
of  a  turn  !  And  the  jokes  they  've  had 
alxiut  JOHN  BURNS  !  .  . .  So  you  see  how 
difficult  it  is." 

"  Hut  it's  all  over  now.  Un't  it?" 

"I  suppose  it  i*.  Anyhow,  my  advice 
to  you,  (!.  K..  is  to  pretend  that  it  is.  I 
think  that's  your  lino.  Yes,  I  must 
own  you  've  been  one  too  many  for  the 
statistician  this  time." 

(J.  K.  smiled  brightly,  and  shook  her 
In-ad  in  denial  of  this. 

"Not  at  all.  You've  Ixvn  splendid. 
Hut  now  we  come  to  the  great  thing 
of  all."  She  lowered  her  voice.  "What 
is  a  Wastrel?  Am  I  one?" 

I  raised  my  hands  in  horror. 

-  Never  '  "    I   «-ri,-d.      "  (  Hi,  my   dear 
girl!      The    W,,,trels!       Tl: 
Who  was 'I   U-t  rayed  the  Capitol?     The 
!      Who  lost   MM  v   the 

world?  The  L< '.('.!  Who  was  the 
cause  of  a  long  ten  years'  war,  and 
l.i Ml  at  but  old  Troy  in  ashes?  The 
'  Instructive,  damnable,  deceit- 
ful LC.G!" 

"  Hut  that  doesn't  answer  my  ques- 
tion." 

"In   talking  of  tin-   L.i'C.    we  don't 
answer    questions.      We    himply    make 
ition.i.     However   I   will    make  an 
exception   in   your  c-.ise.      A  wastr. 
lYogreasive  meml..  r  of  tin-  I.  • 

"  And  I  'in  ".at  ?" 

yes,  yes.    Viatel  .  .  .  1 
t'll  \ouastory.    There  was  once  a  lit  tie 
Mind   I  my  who  liviil  at  Norhury,  where 
-  come  from,  <.r,  rather,  don't 
come  from.     And  one  day   his    father 
him.  '  Pray,  who  hnx  Ixvn  cutting 
my  plane  • 

'•11    a    lie;     I   i!i> I    it 
with  my  little  blanket.'     And  they  lived 


e\i-r  after  at  Kdiuoiiton  ...  Do 

.tell  the  I  i 

'   I   in  afraid  I  don't  i|iiite." 
"  Well,  all  >oii  've  .  How 

illlifoilf     could      IM-     anything     else    after 
•tntiliil  aUmt  ,'  and   then  \,.ii 

fnit   in  any   one  of  the  nouns  from  that 
-•    i\   I    \>-  jn-t  told  \oii.      1  '11  write 
it  out  for  \ 
••Th.it  would  I-.  kind  of  \ 

all.     1  like  helping  you.     Is 
.nything  • 

"  Nothing     i;  y.   thank    y..u. 

Here  coin.-s  my  partner." 

I  bownl.  and  went  in  si-an-h  of  my 
own  partm-r.  IU  ami  by  1  found  her. 
She  was  vtTy,  \>  i\  plain,  and,  as  I  <\\- 

I    when    \  tO  dance,  quite 

lame  in  one  leg. 

••  Were  \  on  ever  at  school  in  Edmon- 
ton ?"  I  askrd. 


PATKI;FAMII.I.\S  AI>\T.KTI> 

WANTED,  a  plain,  old-fashioned  M-hi.il. 
where  mi  golf  or  new  accomplishments 
arc  taught,  but  where  now  and  then 
some  education  is  given,  and  where  tin- 
Head  Mistress  -ionally  out  of 
temper  and  sometimes  punishes.  Not 
in  a  site  with  tine  view  of  the  sea  or 
overlooking  any  "  <  Jarden  of  Kngland," 
but  a  school  of  the  old  sort,  where,  during 
a  few  hours,  rudiments  may  lie  acquired. 
The  advertiser  wishes  for  this,  as  his 
girls  now  return  home  able  to  break  his 
limbs  at  .liu  .1  itsu,  and  he  has  I" 
prehistoric  in  their  presence.  His 
pocket  also  suffers.  No  principal  hold- 
ing "higln-st  diplomas,'1  as~i-t.i|  by 
"  French  and  other  resident  certificated 
masters,"  need  apply,  but  siiupK 
plain,  homely  woman  of  strong  will. 
The  advertiser  hopes  that  in  this  way 
his  self-respect  may  be  regained. 

A   Suggestion. 
h  i  it  !»•  granted  — 

(1)  That  the  lloii-e  (.f   I/.rds  must  go. 

cr/r.) 

-  voiid   Chaml>cr  is   . 
lial.      (>'}.   Mr.    I  ''Itinvliill 

on  I  'i:il  I  'imxtitnt'i 

(3)  That  Women  are  as   tit  to   .. 

/(     fllll::ll'1   tlllTi  f-iff 

That  the  right  and  proper  thing  to  do 

•   ivplaee   the     lloll-e  '    f     l/il'.l.s    by 


Tin  \   can  Ht-  a   jokt-  at  WhiteiieM's 
TaU-rnacle   as   <|iiickl>    as    at    the 
or   anywhere    els.-.       'J'he   d.w    of    Sir 
"livi  there    on     the 

nt   :unl  Fall  of   Man  "   i 
by  the  l>,nly  l>i*i*itch  08  foil" 

"  Man  wan  no  Ln^rr  t!, 
Imt  llio  nia«t«'r  nf  lit*  »r|icin<. 


FEBRUARY  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


125 


CHARIVARIA. 

LADY  FRANCES  BALFOUR  is  to  give  a 
lecture  on  the  House  of  Lords  at  ('amel- 
ford  House,  Park  Line,  on  the  20th  inst. 
It  is  proposed  to  have  a  few  Peers  on 
view — unless,  of  course,  they  should  have 
I  iron  abolished  before  that  date. 

The  visit  of  the  Duke  and  Duchess  of 
LANCASTER  to  Paris  was  such  a  success 
that,  upon  their  return  to  this  country, 
they  were  hailed  as  King  and  Queen  of 
ENGLAND.  

The  Russian  Government,  which  sum- 
moned the  Peace  Conference,  is,  it  is 
stated,  opposed  to 
disarmament. 


of  language  may  ensue  such  as 
country  has  never  yet  heard. 


this 


The  "Church  Cough"  has  been  re- 
ceiving the  attention  of  The  liritixh 
Medical  Journal.  It  is  certainly  desir- 
able that  a  cure  should  be  found,  for  it 
cannot  be  gainsaid  that  the  coughers 
are  responsible  for  causing  many  of  the 
other  worshippers  to  spend  a  sleepless 
morning  in  church. 

We  have  not  had  to  wait  long  to  see 
the  result  of  the  infusion  of  American 
blood  into  The  Daily  Mail  staff.  One 
of  the  new  features,  curiously  enough, 
is  the  introduction  into  the  text  of  a 


A  valuable  rubber  mat  weighing  30  Ib. 
and  measuring  8  ft.  by  3  ft.  lias  been 
Stolen  from  the  Kmbankinent,  entrance 
of  the  Savoy  Hotel.  Its  disappearance 
is  a  mystery,  and  further  thefts  being 
feared,  the  two  little  page  boys  who  are 
on  duty  at  the  door  are,  we  hear,  to 
be  chained  to  the  walls  of  the  building 
as  a  measure  of  precaution. 


IS 


President  ROOSE- 
VELT is  sitting  for  a 
full-length  portrait 
to  be  presented  to 
the  Peace  Palace  at 
the  Hague.  Some 
difficulty,  we  under- 
stand, is  being  ex- 
perienced by  the 
painter  owing  to 
the  President's  pug- 
nacious type  of  face, 
into  which  it  seems 
to  be  impossible  to 
coax  the  appro- 
priate lamb  -  like 
expression. 


As  an  act  of 
courtesy  to  foreign 
spies  two  weeks' 
notice  was  given  of 
the  intention  to  test 
the  efficiency  of  the 
Medway  boom  de- 
fence on  Feb.  14. 


The  news  that  the  price  of  castor-oil 
rising  has  been  received  with  the 
greatest  enthusiasm  in  nurseries  through- 
out the  kingdom,  and  the  wish  has  even 
been  expressed  that  it  may  become 
prohibitive.  


Two  disused 
lighthouses  were 
offered  for  sale  by 
auction  last  week. 
Although  it  was 
pointed  out  that 
they  would  form 
ideal  residences  for 
exceptionally  tall 
persons,  only  one 
found  a  purchaser. 

Mr.  GREIO,  the 
gentleman  whom 
Miss  BILLINOTON,  the 
Suffragette,  has 
married,  will,  it  is 
said,  take  the  name 
BILLINGTON-GREIO  — 
though  this,  we  be- 
lieve, is  only  a  com- 
promise. 


The    Rifle    Club 
movement  continues  to  spread.    In  some 
houses  there  are  even  kitchen  ranges. 


Algey  (who  is  having  a  private  lesson  in  the  noble  art,  for  the  first  time,  from  the  Bermondsey 
Basher).  "  You  MUSTN'T  MIND  IF  I  HIT  YOU  BATHER  HARD,  Ton  mow.  I  AM  SUCH  A  BEASTLY 
ERRATIC  JOHNNIE." 


A  gentleman  has  proposed  that  a 
million  pounds  be  spent  in  buying  the 
ZANCIGS'  secret  for  the  British  nation. 
It  is  thought  that,  if  the  money  were 
found,  the  ZANCIGS  might  be  persuaded. 


The  Dally  Mirror  reports  a  rescue, 
during  the  Jamaican  earthquake,  which 
was  in  danger  of  passing  unrecorded. 
After  the  Conference  Hall  was  wrecked 
the  Earl  of  DUDLEY  returned  to  the  plat- 
form for  his  hat  and  umbrella. 


series  of  portraits  of  persons  suffering, 
not  as  one  might  have  expected  from 
yellow  fever,  but  apparently  from  spotted 
fever. 


TJie     Times     is     advertising 
Guinea   Cannibals"   for  4s.   3d. 
is  certainly  a  big  reduction. 


"New 
This 


We  are  informed  by  the  editor  of 
Men's  Wear  that  purple  will  be  the 
fashionable  colour  for  male  clothes  in 
the  coming  season.  This  reminds  us 
that  several  candidates  for  the  L.C.C.  are 
said  to  be  ordering  egg-colour  suits  for  use 
when  they  appear  on  a  public  platform. 


A  proposal  is  before  the  Corporation 
of  the  City  of  London  to  remove  the  A  man  who  sneezed  while  being  shaved 
fish  market  from  Billingsgate  to  Shad-  j  at  Newark  had  the  end  of  his  nose  cut 
well.  BiDingsgate  is,  in  consequence, '  off  by  the  upturned  razor,  but  the  barber 
up  in  arms,  and,  should  the  project  be '  only  charged  him  the  ordinary  price  for 
persisted  in,  it  is  feared  that  an  outburst  I  a  shave. 


We  should  not 
be  altogether  sur- 
prised if  the  Govern- 
ment were  to  have 
a  fall  over  the  licens- 
ing question.  It 
may  abolish  the 
Army,  and  the 
Navy,  and  the  Lords  (and  even  the 
Commons),  and  nothing  much  be  said 
about  it,  but  if  it  should  dare  to  lay 
hands  on  the  Nation's  Beer — 

The  New  Theology. 

"Theology  (see  Fiction)."  —  Mudies 
Catalogue. 

"Aquinas,  a  Commentary  on  the  Four 
Gospels  (Vol.  I.  a  little  cracked).— 
Somebody  else's  Catalogue. 


Commercial  Candour. 

THE  following  cooms  from  Sheffield  : — 

"  Large  reductions  in  OUR  prices.    Something 

too  good  to  be  true." 


Tms  headline  catches  the  eye : — 

"His  WATCH  STOLES  WHILE  DRUGGED." 
Well,  it    can't  have  been  the  best 
butter. 


: 


MI:   TIIK   LONDON   «  II  \i:i\ MM. 


UH    13 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr  runrh't  Sbt/  of  Ltfmed 

"QcrnJCMCX."  mud  I,  wiring  •  band  at  my  constituents, 
"mil  .vnword* 

ln.lv    (ay*       /t«<4    up.    BlMHV.    i/  r  •','.' 

Omi'ek  — Gentlemen.    <li.l     n<x 

Garotrar*  express  only  what  is  in  the  hearts  «f  nil  of  M- 


And   then   was  dp.wn.-d   with  all  his  h»u-e.  the  case 

thrilling. 
Forthoii.  r  now  became  to  untold  wealth  the  heir, 

id.-rbilt -cum- Uoth -child  mill  i.  mar 

.illdn'l  claim  his  heritage,  through  In-ing  in  this  mess. 
And  thu-.  although  a  millio:. 

I'ntil      well,  if  you  want  to  know,  you've  only  got  I. 
In  l'ivii'  I'lin-in:  M  -i-d  new  I 


rxpitiM  only  wnst  is  in  the  Howls  <>i  

UM!.IV  wh«i  ho  wid--"  and  here  I  repeated  the  U-.mtiful  Although  mi  th.-  whole  I    f-iun.l    Mr.  Hours  WrKMUiTs 

hackneyed  words  from  «•..««•//                                           by  !>-V   7"                                                        Rjcaums).  a  (rill*> 

>T  ItexBv                                       .1  thw  feeling.      I    0  i.  'lull.  I  f.vl  1  ..MIL I  I..  s:iy  lli.it  I    know  a  -,..!  deal  more  :il«.iit 

nnnon  only  to  I  ho  inhabitants  of  our  Free  Tr.idc  tin-  st.ige   than  1  did  I  •                   1   i'.      I   ]  ••••<    !•  .-MI.  .1  that 

Bow  does  the  inspiring  message  of  the  Gennan  all  i                 i n^c.  •  :                                "•!  hi-  fri.  u.l.  call 

philosopher  run?    How.  I  ack  yoo  — "  (/  mra*  you.  BCXHAM  ;  each  other  "dear  U.y."  ami  that  all  actresses  an-  |M.]H! 

•i  t/* /Vowrfc*  •rrfi.wi.    Isook  «fcorp>— " how.  I  ask  you.  jealous  of  «-a.  h  oth.-r.     All.  that                 ling  the  chanuing 

did    he   phnwe   thk  •me  thoopht  ?      Won  it  not  thus:  beroiiie,  who  "  had  dreamed  drennis     dear  delight  ful  <li 

•  kUchwt,  wrr  rergMct,  WM  nicht  zu  amleni  i-  1  winning mooeM and  ni-< ignition     ami  «..;,  1 .  1  i!,.-iu  fa<l<- 

/     ri-jlil.     •                  .ink    you.*)      Gcntlemrn.       I     unit     on.  slowly  ami   thru    tlickiT    out    alt-;;.  tln-r."        lint    thru    "tli.- 

wanning  to  it,  "waa  it  not  TBOMJW  OVOBTKY  who  n-iiuirk«l  vitiating  atni">|.li-Ti-  of  th.-   lootfighta    lia.l  |..i--..l    II.T   hy 

To  panphrue  ItoBorr  CRMXM  NCGKM It  unscathed.    She  was  as  different  fr-m  r                   actress  as 


this  that  (Mere,  or  (u  he  is  more  generally  called)  it  was  possible  to  conn-m 


meant  when  be  spoe 

of  the " 

-Mr.  TonKiww."  «id  the 
ttumpbrmk  W'arrior  next  day. 
"  in  •  Bprvrh  full  of  apt  allu- 
sion and  quotation,  point<il 
oat  that  the  Gorernmcnt  wan 
ruining  thf  countrj-."  Hut  in 
the  aeducion  of  my  study  I 
pattnl  my  invaluable  Ctu*rll. 
and  i-il|.«l  upon  llfiivrn  to  re- 
ward Mr.  \V  i ,-  uvirr  lti:Mun. 


the 
But 


Many  y«r»'  doae  m 
lion  with  Parliamentary  affaire 
has    made   me  familiar  with 
literature  of  Blue  Books. 

t  I  never  before  came 
across  one  so  charming  as  that 
published  at  the  sign  of  the 
Green  Sheaf.  3.  Park  Mansions 
Art-ail**  Knightfibridge.  Tale* 
My  <i,tr,lfn  in  the  title 


lalourrr  (ifAo  kn*  fat  tkipptd  out  of  tht  way  of  a  faliitirj 
blotk  of  tltmt  about  Ihrrt  Ion*  in  vright).  "  BE  A  BIT  Hour  <  A  urn  i    1 1 


5*om 
I- 


»nr  "AT! 


Axorint*  'ALT  A  roar,  AID  TOO  'o 


ATE   BOUGHT   ME   A 


bears,  its  compiler  being  Miss  I.U-IIEMT:  ALMA  TAOCMA. 
They  are  genuine  fairy  taJes  of  the  old  high  mark  of  excel- 
lence. The  writing  looks  easy  ;  the  actual  difficulty  of  work- 
manship is  indicated  in  the  failure  marked  l-y  the  third  Mory. 
which  M  rather  ffraesome  and  altogether  in  .  ngible. 

The  first  two.  "The  Gardener  '  ami  'The  N,-«  lhart,"  are 
gnna  of  dcmgn  and  workmanship,  rominifirent  in  these 
qualities  of  some  of  Miss  ALMA  TADRMA'S  father's  masterpieces 
in  another  •rfvnl  of  art. 


Tk*   PenntUu  Millionaire  (JoBX  lom)  was   the  wealthiest 

kmdof  Jew, 
Who  went  and  married  a  Gentile  wife  (a  thing  they  some- 

limci  do), 

-•ing  disinbrriled,  be  then,  poor  foolish  Ltd. 
Purloined  a  aacml  Chinese  gem,  which  in  itself  was  bad, 
But,  what  WM  worn,  he  found  the  gem  was  far  too  big 

to  sell. 

And,  woner  still,  he  WM  kidnapped  in  a  low-down  opinm-hefl. 
And  there  was  bound  and  tortured  by  the  heathen  Chinese 


..  —- c  |»voerty  he'd  borrowed  without  asking  his  consent 
Now  when  his  bthrrrut  him  off.  without  the  normal  shilling. 

'  -  QtwUlk.  sot  (TO  by  Jlr 


Beauty,  arm,  and 

freshness  all  part  ol 

Coiutancr  -ur.-." 

So  that,  putting  two  and  two 
together,  ami  add  ing  I  he  | 

melodramatic  atm<»pher. 
can  get   a  pretty  g"«>d    i.. 
the  truth.     Another  chai 
istic  of  actor-  is  their  v. 
repeating  their  own  and  each 
other's    .piip-i    in    almost     the 
-;inie   wttnls.      S'veral  of   Mr. 
WVNHUM'-  pe..ple.lo  this,  and 
as  he  also  does  it  himself  in 
the  narrative  part.- of  th. 
I  judge  that  he   is  . 
I  nected  with  (tic  Profession. 

"  Alrftnly    to     frc-h     v\ 
and    i  I    I    to 

ing  an  old 
•  i  another 

I    by    Mrs.    Ill  \l:v    I  >(    IV 
-  PASTI  i.> .     For  !  only 

yesterday  that    I    had    read    7'//,-    Liitl,-   S/KMV.   and    I 
OODOernad  for  the  author's   health,      ll.ivvcver  a  •   the 

title-page  revealed  the  fact  that  r,i//i,,-;,,.  :mi, 

ElOB)  was  only  new  in  the  sense  of   U-ini;  a  new  edition, 
and  I  bn-athe<l  again.     To  iiuwt  of  u-  '  nh,-r 

of    gloomy   forebodings    <.r    of    sham, -faced.    H 
relief,  acconling  as  we  are  travelling  north  or  south.      I'mt 
Calheriiif  actually  liv.il   there,  and   often   form- 
little  crowd    which    ass.-mble<    to   watch    the   .  the 

Dover  Ixiat.     There,  on    the   pier.  sh.  r   fate,   in    the 

ch.i|«-   of  an   elderly  but  virlnoii*   baronet.      In   due  iii,,. 
liiarrie<l  him.  and  ln-rame  the  mi-' 

one   of    the    Ntat.-li.->t  of    the   Mately  h.  une.-  ol     lai-land        The 
rest  of  her   life,  (ill    thr   premature  d.  ilh  of   Sir   /'/ii/i/.. 

'    in  trying  to  lind  the  key  to  her  husband'.-  heart  and  in 
making   g..«l    her   |--ition  ainon.  'her  smart  fn. 

\'r-    I 'i    iv    I 'v- it  in:  has    Hiieceeile<l   in   weaving  out   <if 
a  very  readable  st  ••• . 

Literary  Note. 

a   biography  of   the  Lit-  TOM 

n  under  the  general  editorship  of  Mr. 
t..  which  Mr.  ( ;.  \V.  SMVI  .IIIAI.I. 

•\  l.irn.i-.Mr.  Wn.i.n  I!  I  .Sir  lfvi.ni 

.d  \V.v  Kirk  n.  .11  contribute. 


WE  uinh-rpt 
Tin  vr.  is  in  i 


I  I.ITTUJI  i 


FEBRUARY  20,  11)07.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


127 


ON  THE  MAKING  OF  RUINS. 

To  have  ruins  near  one's  house  will 
always  be  considered  fashionable,  but 
to  live  in  a  ruined  castle— that  is  luxury. 
and,  as  such,  can  be  afl'onled  only  by 
multi-millionaires  or  Star  artistes,  the 
rent  being  prohibitive.  Cheap  ruined 
ea  tics  are  a  snare.  It  you  read  in 
Country  Life  of  a  Ruined  Casile,  h. 
and  c.,  use  of  family  ghost,  £46  p.  a., 
all  at,  it  may  generally  be  concluded 
cither  (1)  it  is  damp,  or  (2)  the  fabric 
is  loose. 

In  the  latter  case,  do  not  entertain  it. 
Nothing  is  more  annoying  than  to  have 
large  pieces  of  masonry  falling  during 
breakfast,  while  it  makes  it  difficult 
to  keep  servants.  The  tale  is  told  of 
one  ruined  castle  where  three  cooks  have 
left,  without  giving 
notice,  in  the  space 
of  five  months. 
The  fourth,  who  is 
in  a  very  incon- 
venient position 
beneath  a  heap  of 
masonry,  has  been 
kepi 

But  the  question 
has  often  been 
asked,  "  Why  not 
make  our  own 
ruins  ?  "  Why  not, 
indeed ! 

An  Englishman's 
house  is  his  castle. 
Therefore,  by  the 
simple  expedient  of 
ruining  an  English- 
man's house,  a 
luxurious  residence 
can  be  produced  at 
nominal  cost. 

The  most  favour- 
able houses  to  ruin 
are  found  in  the 
suburbs.  Those  that  - 
have  been  built  for  more  than  a  decade 
can  usually  be  ruined  by  an  intelligent 
man  in  a  few  hours.  All  that  is  neces- 
sary is  a  "  Nature's  Abhorrence  Cleaner  " 
(for  the  walls)  and  a  "  Salamander  Chim- 
ney Cleaner"  (for  the  ceiling),  or  you 
may  hire  the  Fat  Boy  of  Peckham  to 
lean  against  it.  If  the  house  is  only 
semi-detached,  it  is  advisable  to  consult 
the  other  owner  first.  He  may  be 
Philistine  enough  to  prefer  his  house  as 
it  is.  There  are  many  such  people  in 
the  suburbs. 

If  the  house  is  built  of  granite  or  any 
of  the  more  obstinate  building  materials, 
then  it  is  advisable  to  use  a  motor-car. 
Borrow  one  from  the  local  garage.  Do 
not  employ  your  own  chauffeur  if  he  has 
been  with  you  any  length  of  time.  Good 
chauffeurs  are  difficult  to  replace.  And 
take  care  to  cover  all  the  furniture  with 
white  dusting  cloths  and  to  move  the 


canary  out  into  the  garden  first.  If  he 
is  kept  in  the  house  he  will  probably  go 
off  song  for  the  season. 

J.-istly,  do  not  forget  the  windows.  It 
is  not  an  uncommon  sight  to  see  a  really 
nice  ruin  spoiled  by  modern  panes  of 
glass.  This  jars  terribly.  Windows 
should  all  be  broken.  Do  not  use  stones 
unless  your  aim  is  good.  Put  up  a 
notice,  "  House  to  Let." 

One  of  the  pleasantest  features  of  this 
amateur  ruining  is  to  watch  the  delight 
of  the  landlord  when  lie  first  sees  the 
improvement.  Generally  speaking,  this 
takes  the  form  of  a  refusal  to  take 
anything  in  the  shape  of  rent.  He 
may  add  tickets  for  the  theatre.  So 
that,  from  an  economic  as  well  as  an 
artistic  point  of  view,  property  is  worth 
ruining. 


'MID    THE    CLASH    OF    STEEL. 

A  Voice  from  the  Gallery.  "  MINE  's  A  WING." 


THE  BAT  AND  THE  PEN. 

THE  recent  meeting  of  the  promoters 
|  of  the  South  African  cricket  team  to  this 
country  in  the  summer  (if  there  is  a 
summer)  was  a  very  interesting  one,  not 
without  its  influence  on  the  future  of  the 
game. 

The  most  important  business  naturally 
bore  upon  the  literary  activities  of  the 
team.  A  time  was  when  if  you  were 
asked  to  name  one  class  of  man  who 
probably  hated  writing  more  than 
another,  you  would  pick  out  the  cricketer. 
But  all  is  now  changed.  The  South 
Africans  are,  it  seems,  one  and  all 
possessed  of  a  eacoethes  scribendi  which 
no  ointment  can  cure,  no  Duke  of  AKGYLL 
alleviate. 

The  point  to  be  decided  then  was, 
Shall  the  papers  to  which  they  propose 
to  contribute  be  restricted  or  shall  they 


write  for  all  The  Times  as  well  as  The 
War  ('/•//,  The.  Rock  as  well  as  The 
Spectator?  Opinions,  as  opinions  will, 
differed.  One  patron  of  the  tour,  who 
has  put  down  a  large  sum  of  money, 
asked,  Would  it  not  seriously  affect  their 
play?  "Can  a  man  who  writes  all 
night,"  he  said,  "play  all  day?"  Such 
a  question  was  naturally  treated  with 
disdain.  At  this  date  a  man  must 
know  better  than  that.  "  The  more  you 
write  the  better  you  play — obviously. 

Look  at  —   —  and . 

It  was  ultimately  decided  that  any 
South  African  cricketer  who  could  not 
promise  to  contribute  to  three  papers 
all  through  the  tour — one  morning,  one 
evening,  and  one  weekly,  in  addition 
to  cabling  home  full  descriptions  of 
the  matches,  and  had  not  at  the  end 
of  the  tour  a  volume 
of  personal  impres- 
sions all  ready  for 
the  press,  should 
be  left  out  of  the 
eleven,  no  matter 
how  well  he  might 
bat.  England,  it 
was  pointed  out  by 
one  who  knows  the 
old  country  through 
and  through,  ex- 
pects cricketers  to 
write,  and  if  the 
South  Africans  do 
not  write  no  one 
will  pay  to  see  them, 
and  the  failure  of 
the  tour  will  be 
assured. 

After  further  dis- 
cussion     it     was 
|  agreed  that  the  ink 
used      should     be 
Messrs.  —  —  's,  who 
had    promised     to 
give  it  free  on  con- 
dition that  it   was 
advertised    on  all   the  scoring  boards 
,  and  match  cards ;  and  the  pens  should 
I  be    Messrs.  —  — 's,    who  made    similar 
conditions. 

The  meeting  then  broke  up,  after  a 
copy  of  Eoget's  Thesaurus  had  been 
presented  to  every  one  present  by  Mr. 
ABE  BAILEY  (whose  name,  by  the  way, 
will  be  taken  by  the  team's  wicket 
keeper  as  a  compliment  to  the  great 
millionaire's  public  spirit). 

Renter,  very  badly  deciphered. 


"  Will  any  Author  send  by  parcels  post  to 
Hon.  Sec.  British  Rummage  Centre,  Seaforth, 
Liverpool,  Old  Neckties,  Socks,  Shirts,  to  be 
sold  daily  to  Clerks  and  Shop  Assistants."— 
AulJior. 

HAVE  you  the  old  necktie  of  the  aged 
author  (mase.)  ? — No,  but  the  Liverpool 
Shop  Assistant  is  engaged  to  be  married. 


im 


<>K    THK 


CHARIVARI. 


20,  1907. 


THE    WISDOM     OF    THE    BLACK    FRIAR. 
Or  IxnoMcnttT  RKMUH, 


ia  •  thing  that  i*  worse  than  a  preface,  and  that  i* 
a  pvologae;  •  thing  that  is  wore*  than  a  prologue,  and  th.it 
ia  ao  author '•  foreword.    To  become  involved  in  one  < 
thing*  w  aa  when  one  prruarth  a  MaryrtU>  that  •tartrt 
a  strong  melodramatic  interest  bat  concluded!  with  an  ad  ver- 

Of  which  thing*  the  Black  Friar  will  liar*  none,  btr 
oat  more  ado  win  plunge  at  once  into  the  middle  of  tilings. 

Or  Qmunm. 

BACOS.  who  hath  written  much  and  wisely  of  friendship. 
aahh  :  "Be  that  liketh  it  not  hath  something  of  the  savage 
braM."  Wherefon  aince  BAOOX  was  a  true  man  and  thou 
had*  lief  not  be  called  a  savage  heart,  aeck  out  friends. 
Thon  canat  not  seek  more  wisely  than  among  the  wealthy. 
Bestow  thy  affectiona  freely  among  thy  acquaintance*,  and 
teU  thy  servant  that  thou  mayat  not  be  in  to  dinner.  But  be 
not  over  diligent  in  thy  conversation  with  the  crafty  one, 
lest  thou  be  in  to  dinner,  and  there  be  another  with  thee. 

Thon  ahalt  tell  thy  friends  by  their  manner  of  addressing 
thee.  He  that  writeth  thee  "Dear  Sir."  .j,,th  both  love  (for 
hecaOeth  thee  Dear)  and  respect  thee  (for  he  calleth  thee  Sir). 
And  if  ho  takfth  leave  of  thee  thus:— "I  am  yours  truly." 
be  assured  that  he  would  fain  recline  on  thy  bosom  for 

When  thou  hast  a  secret  and  its  publication  toucheth  not 
thyself,  dirulge  it  If  thou  art  a  woman,  make  thy  confidante 
promise  thee  faithfully  (even  aa  thou  thyself  didst  promise 
faithfully)  "  I  wiD  not  tell  it  to  a  soul."  'if  thou  art  a  man 
thou  ahalt  say  :  "This,  of  course,  ia  between  thee  and  me." 
Thou  mayest.  at  thine  own  discretion,  add  "  the  gatepost." 

There  ia  a  form  of  beginning  that  is  much  in  use  among 
men :-  I  am  the  last  person  to  say  anything  to  the  ill  ol 


There  are  many  buts  from  which  thou 

net  choose  for  thyself . 

If  thou  hast  a  secret  thing  to  the  bad  repute  of  A.  (and  if 
it  be  not  to  the  bad  repute  of  A.,  then  it  will  be  to  the  bad 
repute  of  BO  aay :-"  There  ia  no  one  that  liketh  A.  better 

than  I,  yet  I  must  aay ."  Then  can  thy  abuse  be  as 

-unstrained  and  malicious  aa  thou  wilt 

Or  PATTKW*. 

When  thou  art  engaged  in  that  occupation  which  of  all 
othera  M  the  moat  distasteful  to  thee,  comfort  thyself  with 
-**  nsVrtmn  that  at  any  rate  thou  art  not  playing  Patience. 

If  thou  meeteat  a  Scotchman  tell  him  that  he  hath  no 
oae  of  humour.    If  he  dispuuth  with  thee,  tell  him  that 
hiatamper  doth  prove  what  thou  wrest.    If  he  doth  not 

^1*55  eShe?*™"1"    Thu>  thou  hart  •««*«"» 
of  the jSLan  "He  is  a  good  fellow,  but  a  liar," 


.  t  ar  *  **- 

man.  the  Irishman  or  the  Welshman,  but  ao  to  apeak  argueth 
•  — — *-  in  thyself,  and  thou  knowett  tST thoTart 


Sfl  the  German  -  (at "  •ndthe  Frenchman  "  froggy 

'    '•      '•'    .•-'••     -  .  r;  :  -•  .  i    •.<,',< 

unpopular  abroad. 

Or  OLD  Aon. 


T    i 
say :     'So  I  thought  when  I  waa  thy  age.    At 


.  a  man  thinks  that  lie  known  even-thing  ;  at  thirty  h 
begins  to  have  his  doulit.;  and  at  forty  he  knows  ih.ii  h 
know*  nothing." 

Or  YOUTH. 

If  thou   art  a  young   man  and   an   old  man   advise!  h    tin* 
'  •   •         ly  a  i      n  doth  known  at  'M;,- 

at  thirty  he  is  Iteginning  •  and  ut  forlv  lie  knoweth 

nothing." 

Or  XEWPPAPEHB. 

Look  after  thy  daily  paper  and  thy  lil.r.iry  will  U,k  after 
itself.     Be  assured   that  he  that  puUisheth  a  paper  hat 
eye  to  his  own  pocket,  lint  only  to  thy  greater  comfort 
he  not  ao  state  in  his  every  other  issue ';     \  Ml,  he  not  charge 
thee  a  halfpenny  only  because  he  must  charge  t 
thing  ? 

If  I iy  chance  thou  hast  a  loaning  towards  the  halfpem 
press,  hesitate  not  to  satisfy  that  taste  of  thine.     Kvery  mail 
saith  "  I  could  not  nor  would  read  those  : 
be  many  copies  sold  daily. 

The  illustrated  paper  is  better  than  no  newspap.  r      !• 
letter  to  have  studie<l  pictures  of  things  that  did  not  happen 
drawn  by  them  that  were  not  there,  than  to  know  no  i. 

Or  EXAMINERS. 
There  are  some  things  too  loathsome  even  to  lie  mentioned. 


THE  VINDICATION  OF  THE  ATI  1 1. 1 

[On«  of  the  argument*  offered  in  favour  of  the  .Senior 
*-n\K  n-t;iiii«l,  was  that  it  ha*  been  one  of  the  IH-KI  . 
'.nnliriilKp  I'tiiTirBity  to  the  oouide  world.     A  i|..n, 

|«iint«l  out  that,  as  an  advi-rtinenient,  the  diitingnisli> 

more  effective.] 

Ir  you  took  a  rough  inventory 
Of  knowledge  elementary 

That  I  assimilated  at  the  'Varsity, 
It  scarcely  would  IM;  quotable  ; 
It 's,  altogether,  notable 
For  nought  but  its  extraordinary  sparsity. 
My  position,  yet,  was  easily  defeasible, 
For  the  dons  admitted  I  was  indi-pen^il,!,,. 

My  passage  through  the  Previous 
Was  desperately  devious — 

I  couldn't  tell  a  problem  from  a  theorem  ; 
I  knew  no  more  of  qunt  an'  tot 
Than  if  I'd  been  a  ll.itti-ntot; 
The  genitive  of  r*«  was  often  n  or  r,-m; 
And  I  always  felt  a  bit  apologetieal 
When  answering  n  i|in-Mi(ni  arithmetical. 

Yet  although  I  was  so  ignorant 
And  couldn't  "talk  it  big"  nor  rant 

Of  pleonasms,  metaj  IP  r-  and  images, 
It  was  nice  to  know  my  ( '.  .!!•  ev  was 
lent  that  all  my  knowledge  was 
Restricted  to  the  Kuliilciicx  of  wrimiu... 
They  excused  my  lack  of  skill  in  the  laU.rat'ry, 
As  long  as  I  could  kick  a  goal  or  score  a  try.  ' 

my  corollary: 

That  when  a  man  's  a  "scholar,  he 
Cannot  expect  his  j. raises  sung  in  tuny  verse ; 

!  it  '*  only  rational 
To  think  an  Internation.il 

Worth  all  the  S'nic.r  Wranglers  in  the  uni 
And  this  i.  what  (0  scholars,  don't  f,,.l  hurt !)  is 

.nt : 
The  athlete 's  a  superior  advertisement ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.    FKBIUIAKY  20,  1907. 


AU   REVOIR! 

GAINSBOROUGH'S  " DUCHESS  OF  DEVONSHIRE"  (to  "Nancy  Parsons"  and  the  "Hon.  Mrs.  Yorke,"  who  were  cut  from 
their  frames  by  a  burglar  last  week).  "NEVER  MIND,  MY  DEARS.  I  WAS  STOLEN,  TOO,  YOU  KNOW. 
BUT  I  CAME  BACK  AGAIN— MORE  POPULAR  THAN  EVER." 


FEBRUARY  20,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


131 


MODKKATE  OR  PROGRESSIVE? 

MR.  PUNCH  SETTLES  THE  QUESTION'. 

WITH    the    I/)ndon    County   Council 

•lections    iu    immediate    prospect,    Mr. 

Punch  has  instituted,  with  his  customary 

)enevolence   and    acuinen,   an    inquiry 

nto  the  question  whether  the  spirit  of 

he  age  is  moderate,  or  whether  it  is 

^regressive.       Candidates     and    voters 

dike  will  he  surprised  to  learn  that  it  is 

leiiher.       It    is    retrograde.       In    every 

lepartment   of   life   there   are   signs  of 

backward  movement,  excepting  in  those 

where  the  depression  has  reached   the 

limit. 

Take,  for  example,  the  various  branches 
of  Science,  Letters  and  Art.  Mr.  Punch's 
ixpert  investigators  have  discovered  that 
all  Literature  can  be  traced  to  one 
fundamental  fact,  and  that  is  stationery. 
They  find,  too,  that  there  is  evidently 
no  longer  any  desire  to  create  History, 
for  records  are  broken  as  soon  as  made  ; 
and  that  the  Drama  is  being  remodelled 
on  lines  laid  down  by  the  Backonians. 
One  cannot  write  so  much  as  an  ordinary 
letter  without  sealing  the  back  of  an 
envelope,  and  licking  the  back  of  a 
stamp.  Art  yearly  fills  our  Academy 
with  pictures  which,  according  to  many 
critics,  would  be  improved  by  being 
hung  back  to  front;  and  some  of  Mr. 
Punch's  own  best  drawings  are  pre- 
historic. Architecture  and  Sculpture 
have  crammed  London  full  of  eyesores 
and  modern  instances.  Education  is 
notorious  for  its  particular  attention  to 
backward  boys ;  and  attention  is  mos 
frequently  applied  to  their  backs. 

In  commercial  circles  the  investigators 
hear  the  same  tale.  London's  greatness 
dates  from  the  time  of  WHITTINGTON,  the 
Lord  Mayor  who  turned  back.  Tb 
works  most  often  consulted  by  business 
men  are  the  Blue  Books  containing 
Board  of  Trade  returns.  No  enterprisi 
is  ever  set  on  foot  without  some  one  tc 
hack  it,  and  the  least  reputable  adver 
tisements  are  those  headed  "Advances 
Made."  Even  Soap,  the  commodit; 
which  one  would  expect  to  remain  ii 
demand  more  persistently  than  an 
other,  is  boomed  in  the  public  pres 
with  an  eye  to  retrogression.  For  on 
brand  it  is  claimed  that  it  leaves  a  gco< 
impression  behind ;  and  another  bear* 
the  significant  appellation  of  "Mone. 
Back."  Locomotion  is  all  against  pro 
gress.  Railway  Companies  invariabl. 
give  a  reduction  on  return  tickets  ;  th 
latest  motor  cars  are  fitted  with  reversin, 
gear ;  and  trams  advertise  only  th 
places  where  they  stop. 

So  also  with  Sport,  which,  if  nothin 
else  does,  retlects  the  tastes  of  the  people 
Association  football,  a  game  watche 
every  day  by  millions  of  spectators,  ha 
for  its  end  the  unscientific  object  o 
getting  a  round  ball  into  a  square  hoi 


Departing  Guest.  "THANK  you  so  MUCH  FOR  A  MOST  CHARMING  AND  RECHAUFFE  LITTLE  DINNF.K!' 


The  finest  Rugby  is  played  by  Back- 
heath,  the  All  Backs,  and  the  Spring- 
backs.  Even  racehorses  are  now 
occasionally  backed,  and  one  of  the  most 
noted  jockeys  of  late  years  was  TOD  | 
SLOW'UN.  As  for  Cricket,  its  future  is 
in  the  hands  of  Mr.  B.  C.  FRY. 

Our  social  life  is  full  of  examples  too 
numerous  to  give  in  detail.  One  need 
only  mention  that  it  is  becoming  quite 
customary  on  birthdays  to  wish  people 
many  happy  returns  ;  and  that  the  most 
accomplished  dancers  reverse. 

What  can  one  deduce  from  these  facts 
except  that  this  life  is  but  a  sleep  and  a 
forgetting  ?  Let  the  electors  take  warn- 
ing. These  data  based  on  the  reports 
of  Mr.  Punch's  experts  are  the  shadows 
cast  by  coming  events,  and  they  prove 
their  truth  by  the  very  action.  If  the 


shadows  are  before,  the  light  must  be 
behind. 


DEFENCELESS. 
SHE  called  him  names  ....  He  writhed, 

but  yet, 

Although  his  waving  arms  demurred, 
He  used  no  single  epithet, 
Or  angry  word. 

She  called  him  names  ....  In  such  a' case 
A  gentleman  must  hold  his  tongue. 

Excuse  him  if  he  made  a  face, 
For  he  was  young. 

Beside  the  font,  "FlTZGEORGE,"  she  cried, 
"  BARTHOLOMEW,  AUGUSTUS,  JAMES  ! "  ... 

It  was  with  all  a  mother's  pride 
She  called  him  names. 


: 


1T.NVH.   OR   TIIK   LnXDnN   CHARIVARI.  E*""*"  20.  1907. 


A  TRAP  FOR  COUNTRY  MICE. 
It*.  PtmcrtUirr 


Ir  yon  wiah,  daar  country  cousins,  to 
be  really  of  the  centre  (aa  we  say),  you 
will  never  think  of  doing  a 
banal  aa  to  dine  in. 
economical;  and  no  one  ia  ao  low  as  that, 
don't  you  know.  Charity  may  begin 
at  home,  but  the  cheerful  giver  has 
little  scope  unless  bedines  out  The  new 
tent  is  to  make  restaurateur*  and 
rich.  If  you  have  any  spare  cash. 


that  London  ia  very  careful  of  heraona 

HT  Gun  TO    and  daughters,  •>»«&' •»,  *£j 
fear  of  injuring  their  digestion,  she will 
never  let  them  eat  or  drink 
past  twelve  has  etrurk ;  although  with 
her  pleasant  ironical  humour  she  onan 
urangea  that  her   theatres    shall    not 
their  hungry  audiences  until 
or  later.     Dear   <>ld    Spartan 


aoul! 


XXXII. 


give  it  to  these. 
society  leader  would 
pleasure  of  eating  a 
writ-cooked  dinner  at 
home  at,  say.  eight  chil- 
ling* a  head,  for  the 
giddy  rapture  of  eating 
a  worse  dinner  in  puUi. 
at  a  guinea  a  head  and 
lialf-a-crown  for  every 
waiter  who  can  prove 
that  he  has  looked  at 
him.  and  five  shillings 
to  the  one  who  had  to 
be  called  for  most  and 


•  •     . 


Menu*  and 

Should  yon  be  dining  »r  supping  at 

one  of    the    aemi-Sult.iun-    restaurants 

which  constitute  the  brightest  jew.  -U  in 


,-aptivity     previous     to     appearing 
t.ihl.-. 

CHAPTER  XXXIII. 
:iurant*  and  the  1'ren. 
On.  Id  things   aU'tit 

expensive  restaurants  is  the  inability  ol 
to  see  dining   in   then 
.,ny  one  who  is  really  anybody. 
graph-"   in   the  newspapers    frequently 
li.-giu  lik.-  this  : 

•Ii  the  near  ap|ir.u.  Ii  • -f  tl" 
Parliament,  the  channinK  dining  salons  ;it  ihe 
Savory  Restaarant  were  even  full 
last  evening,  some  notable  faces  being  seen  at 
the  various  tables." 
So  far  the  n-jKDrter  is  on  safe   ground 


To  sum  up.  we  have 
moved  far  and  faat  aince 
the  days  when  insular 
obacnranlMta  declared 
-there 'a  no 'place  like 
home."  AH  tin- laureate 
remark*  in  one  of  his 
moat  inapirrd  coupleta : 
"  Unas  ktvfimg  (oik  hare 
•W  b.«-lr  w its. 

TW  an  at  I.lr'l-Kins  and 
: 


SSSSSSStoO***        -S    bod,    fl,r    himself   and    th,    pro- 
,.,.-  at  la*  one  of  the  annexes  in  whu-h  rare  pri  the  •ffgyttf**^* 

passes  into  It 

i,  iif  euiirsi-  a  foreigner. 
Hut  the  writer  thei- 
on  to  give  away  with 
the  left  hand  all  that  had 
IMI-M  ae.|uired  l>v  tin- 
right.  For  example, 
tin-  o.lIrluMoli  of  the 

paragraph    that     i 
so  promisingly   may   lie- 
as  tame  as  this  . 


••Aiming     others     dining 
were  Sir   LAMO: 
CADGE,  Mr.  A    K 
and  llerr  !•• 

Or  again : 

"I    never     reini-inU-r    t" 
have  seen  the  Stilton  >«  full 
of  beauty  and   rank   as   it 
was      last      night. 
Royalty  was  present  at  one 
table.      Among    the    »-ll 
known  faces  were  Mm.  .1 i>  K 
.liii!-.'  with  IIIT  husband. 
Sir  Hi. .11    I'jUK-KlLIEr  was 
being  entertained." 

Still,     if     you     really 
wish   to   be    m.-nt 
there  probably  are  ways 


(Hi:   I  Mill  -STWtiKTIIY    AIMlvr   IN    LONDON. 

HOTEL.    TH  CLAM-MOM  rot  THE  CCLTCKB  or  PEACOCK'S  BKAIKR. 


Csuma  XXXI. 

Suffer  de  (tu-r.  THE 

Out  of  courae  dinner 

ia  nothing.    The  real  gilt-odgtd  thing  to  birds,  fishes,  or  beasts  are  subjected  to  and  means.    Pi  usually  g. -t  «  hat 

do  ia  to  have  supper  in  public  or  rather  n  s|xt-ial  diet  with  a  view  to  satisfying  they  want  if  they  want  it  badly  i-ni  nigh. 
to  pay  for  rapper  in  puhbY  i'iite  the  requirements  of  the  most  exigent  \Ve  don't  say  that  no  one  who  is  really 

likely  yon  will  get  none.  The  modern  palates.  The  Savory  is  famous  for  its  distinguished  is  ever  to  be  seen  at  the 
fofhtngnfry.  lattAntttr  i«  ntmr  an  happy  ,i\  i.iry  where,  under  the  vigiliiit  care  of  giltHxlge*!  restaurants.  It  is  merely 
a*  whan  he  ia  paying  through  the  ww  a  Fellow  of  the  Ornithological  Society.  tha-  ner  has  bad  luck 

for  a  aupper  that  he  will  very  likely  nightingales  are  fed  on  mcllinuce  a 
not  art  eyes  on  until  it  i*  against  the  delicious  and  sustaining  preserve  cpm- 
law  to  eat  it,  washed  down  by  cham-  pounded  of  honey  and  nuts  previous 
pane  at  twice  the  price  he  would  get  to  the  excision  of  their  tongues,  while 
it  from  hia  wine  merchant.  Then  you  <  peacocks  are  patiently  reared  for  months 
aee  him  really  content;  bat  it  i*  nut  on  a  special  Educator  which  develops 
until  all  the  Lights  are  suddenly  turned  their  brains  to  a  prodigious  extent 
out  and  he  baa  to  grope  hia  way  The  Frocadero's  speciality  is  its  sturgeon 
through  the  darkness  to  the  cloak-room,  tank,  where  these  finny  monsters, 
where  the  livened  servants  have  been  imported  straight  from  the  Volga,  are 
keeping  hia  coat  far  him  at_a  rental  of  fed  .three  times  a  day  on  almond 


(To  be  continued.) 

Journalistic  Candour. 
"THI.  Ml  Niril'AI.  JCH'KNAI.. 

Illustrated.) 

Thi*  Week'*  Ittat  cotti.i.n.- 
TheChe-.ijH-Mt  Oas  in  the   \V,,rld." 
Chnu 


keeping 
a  shilling 


_  an  hour,  or  £498  a  year,  that 
hie  glory  '»  complete.    It  ia  then  that 


• 


and    mould 

•      .      '••..«•: 


that  he  ia  a  glum  of 


of    form   in    th<> 


Want  of  Capital. 

ii  the  ulij 

came  •  HI  l,.-r 


•  •    •»*•••••«•••>•      X^aajsj      VM      «4U»MVU      «•*.«»       **%n>.      >n       «••    • 

wedding-cake  •mothered  in  Devonshire  posstanon,  and  she  has  succeeded   beyond 

cream,  while   the  roof-garden   at   the  .-«;*. 

a  ia  remarkable  for  the  enclosur  :     -  in  the  inexpressible  gratiliration 

in  which  moose,  armadillos,  and  other  of  Mr.  Asgrmi  and  So.tland   V:-rl  that 

succulent  rodents  are  kept  in  luxurious  she  did  not  bring  ill'. 


FEBRUARY  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


133 


"  WOT  ARE  TER  A-BOLLERIN'    'iM    FOB,    BlLL  ?  " 
"  I  'it   GOING  TO   LISTEN  TO   'iM    PLAY   GOWF  !  " 


LIMERICK. 

HERE  goes  rny  love  to  Limerick  !     'Tis  there  that  I  would  be, 
In  the  rare  town,  the  fair  town  that  lies  beyond  the  sea. 
Myself  and  darling  Limerick  we  've  been  too  far  apart, 
But  the  easy  town,  the  breezy  town,  she  always  had  my  heart. 

Of  all  the  towns  I  ever  saw,  wherever  I  was  set, 
There 's  only  one  beneath  the  sun  I  never  could  forget. 
1  \r  shut  my  eyes  in  distant  lands, and, oh,  my  mind  was  torn, 
For  I  saw  the  streets  of  Limerick,  the  place  where  I  was  born. 

But  I  was  far  away  from  her,  the  city  of  my  joy, 
Win-re  once  I  wandered  light  as  air,  a  little  barefoot  boy. 
Sini'i- 1  hen  I  've  worn  the  leather  out,  but  never  trod  so  free 
As  long  ago  in  Lirncrick,  the  only  place  for  me. 

Then-  's  few  to  know  the  face  of  me  on  all  the  Shannon  shore, 
To  grip  my  hand  and  call  my  name  when  I  return  once  more ; 
lint  1  will  rest  in  Limerick,  the  dearest  place  I  know, 
Until,  please  God,  I'm  called  at  last  and  get  the  word  to  go. 


ANNALS   OF   PHYSICAL    RESEARCH    ON    COMMON- 
PLACE CONCEPTIONS. 
HI. — "  THAT  A  ROLLING  STONE  GATHERS  NO  MOSS." 
IT   lias   often   been   remarked   that   from  the  smallest  of 
incidents   has   sprung   the   greatest  of   ideas— for   instance, 
gravitation  from  the  fall  of  an  apple. 

While  watching  little  THOMAS  SAWYER  employing  his  leisure 
with  his  boy  friends  in  some  game  of  skill  with  those  round 


stone  pellets  termed  marbles,  I  remarked,  "  THOMAS,  have  you 
observed  moss  form  an  impediment  to  perfect  revolution  ?  " 
The  reply,  though  couched  in  somewhat  disrespectful 
Language,  was  in  the  negative,  and  further  inquiry  elicited 
the  following  facts  which  are  tabulated  : — 

KIND  OF  STONE.  EXPERIMENTER.        AMOUNT  OF  Moss. 

"Commoney"  ...    THOMAS  SAWYER.  Nil. 

"Blood  Alley"...  „  Nil. 

"Alley  Taw"    ...  „  Nil. 

These  results  were  sufficiently  definite  to  turn  my  mind 
seriously  towards  a  scientific  investigation  on  the  subject. 

A  certain  hill  was  chosen,  and  stones  of  varying  nature 
rolled  down  it.     The  data  obtained  are  given  next — 


KIND. 

Pebble 

Sapphire 

Boulder 


TIME  IN 
ROLLING. 

5  sees. 
1,000  sees. 
1  sec. 


WEIGHT 

BEFORE. 

1-001  gr. 

•589  gr. 

1  cwt. 


WEIGHT    AMOUNT 
AFTER.     OF  MOSS. 
1-001  gr.       0 
•589  gr.       0 
1  cwt.        0 


I  regret  that  after  the  last  experiment  the  police  requested 
me  to  desist,  so  that  I  was  compelled  to  prosecute  further 
research  by  diligent  inquiry  from  a  well-known  authority. 

From  SCALUM   McALPiNE,  Esq.,  the  distinguished   Scotch 
mountaineer,  comes  the  following  observation  of  an  avalanche : 
KIND  or  STONES.  WEIGHT.  OBJECTS  GATHERED. 

Numerous.  1,000  tons  Cottage, 

appro*.  Luncheon. 

Two  guides. 
One  alpenstock. 

The  absence  of  moss  from  the  last  column  is  extremely 
conclusive. 


VIM  H,  OR  THK   LONDON   CHARIVABL  [fimsta  20.  1907. 


\VIn  \VKI:I:  in  ILK- 


was  »  Iwronet  with  no  end  nf  ancestors. 

|<    the   fur 

I 

;.,_.     ,     ..     -  -    ,  , 
wan  <n  hi- 

AockM.and  living  in 
Kngland  in  the 
twentieth  century. 

•anasoaaUe. 

>ir  <  ii  *  inti: 
as  much  in  the 
usual  nianiii-r. 
whereupon  Li-ly 
KoWEXa  threw  liiin 
iiver,  and  h-Mi'-d 
instead  to  tin- 
honeyed  words  of 
BRIAN  —  the 
Hold  Bad  One. 
Then  Sir  Gnr  gat 
him  to  bed,  full  of 
remorse  and  the 
-pint  of  liia  an- 

And  he  dreamed  of  the  I"**!  "Id  iKiyswhen  he 
wouki"havt>  issued  a  h.mghty  cliallenge  to  tin-  hiark-hearted 
Sir  Ikux.  and  eke  have  split  him  through  the  midriff, 

II.  The  Dream.  Up-to-date  Sir  <li  v.  in  evening  dress, 
surround'-l  l'>  m«»-at-anu»,  and  fair  maids,  and  headman, 
and  amnrhaLi,  and  nxm^",  and  pages,  and  faithful  hounds. 
Enter  Lady  Kowou  ("  Boni  1  1  7  1  ,  /.',  ,  real  ton*  :  Emhroidery 
withal  1  \  n'*»'  Club*:  none.")  to  pray  for  vengeance 
against  thr  \*M  Sir  BBUX  (Club  :  hmvy  one  with  spikes).  The 
mortal  combat  —  eventually.  Sir  (irr  not  feeling  at  home  in 
his  armour,  throws  it  off,  puts  on  boxing  gloves,  and  knocks 
lUrrusG  BCIAV  out  in  one  round. 

An  HI.    Twen.  cent  again.     Sir  CCT  wakes  up,  still  full 

of  hi*  drram,  and  chases  the  modern  Sir  HHIAM  all  over  the 

•ie  of  the  ancestral  swords.    He  also  exposes  him 

far  a  card-sharper,  and  a  coward,  and  kicks  bun  out  of  the 

homo       Discomfiture  of  Sir  B—  .      Enthusiasm  of  Lady 

Its. 

That  is  the  play  ;  and  it  only  remains  to  be  said  that 
Mr.  J*»w  \Vtua  wS.rtiiv. 

Rill  up  in  your  thousands,  and  laugh.  Never  mind  about 
"  stage  technique  "  and  the  "fundamental  principles  of  the 
dropm***  art"  hut  go  to  Wyndham's  and  laugh.  That, 


anyhow,  is  Mr.  I'unrh'*  advice. 


FBDM  an  ad-.  • 


may  who  nrwr  ow  mrthing  ia  the  w»j  o( 
pi.  tMr  faita  to 


.  •.  «nd  dww  «TMttull*  wooder 

•••  uwy  kw  tWr  hair.- 

Anyone  would  low  his  hair  who  had  been  so  absurd  as  to 
go  about  pinning  things  to  water.  We  don't  understand 
Uiu  paragraph  at  all 


i  and  rhiiifcun  mall 
eat*  is  obwrrad  by  thi* 


"TUTrMfei 
sislsiliBi  M  M 

THW  is  printed  at  the  bead  of  a  carriage  builder's  account. 
The  custom  k  known  M  "driving  a  carriage  and  pair 
through  an  CarliMneot"  We  do  hope  the  firm  will 

' 


THK   SI.KVANT   (>K   THK    ITIlI.H'. 

["Tb*   new   Khn:  »   h»«  orderwl   »  telephone  to   t* 

•„!  a  |.uMir  Niuare,  to  that  any  of  hi*  aubjccU 
may  ring  lum  up."  — OsstrMT.] 

'I'n. ii  <.)!  All.ili  lias  set  me  m  ml.-  almir 
With  IH.WIT  Mi|.n-nie  mi  tin-  r.-.io«-k  Thrane, 

Though  hea.Umen,  KT\\I\  as  ^rim  ran 
Will  c-hi'p  ufl  vi'iir  ht-.ul  at  :-.  wink  fnun  Hi", 
Though  thumb-screws,  racks  an  1 1  dungeons  dark 
Awuit  the  wreteh  I  may  i-hiinr.-  t.>  mark, 
Though  Imiling  "ii  at  the  tortun- 
I-  always  n-.nly  fn-m  ten  to  four, 
hese  I  seldom  fly^ 
A  higld\   IN  nevi'lent  tyrant  I. 

my  aim  to  rule  tin-  land 
With  rather  li*n  of  tin1  inm  hand. 
And  nit  her  more  of  the  \,  lv«-t  gl- 
In  short,  to  govern  my  folk  l>y  love. 
I  want  to  know  what  my  i>ii>|'lo  think. 
Whether  they've  plenty  to  cat  and  drink, 
Whetl.i  r  the  taxes  cause  complaint, 
Whether  they  'n-  happy  or  whether  they  ain't  ; 
And  RO  I 've  connected  the  Pi-.u-.ick  Throne 
With  a  brand-new  popular  telephone. 
And  if  any  one  finds  there's  :i  dreg  in  his  cup, 
1  Ie  lias  nothing  to  do  but  to  ring  me  up. 

I  >f  courso,  when  I  've  summoned  the  ( Jrand  YJ/i>T 

To  state  his  views  in  my  private  ear, 

When  we're  drafting  diplomalic  notes, 

i  'r  settling  the  question  of  women's  votes, 

<  >r  how  the  new  Parliament  ought  to  meet, 

And  whether  l^alKiur  should  have  a  seat — 

Of  oiiir-e.  I  say,  1  am  always  h;i| 

When  trille*  like  these  are  on  the  tnplt, 

To  hear  the  cheery  and  welcome  tone 

i  if  the  telephone  1«-11  at  the  Peacock  Throne. 

•  •  you  there  ?  "  cries  a  voice,  and  I  seem  to  see 
The  lily-white  damsel  who  calls  to  me, 

\re  you  there,  dear  Sinn  V    I  want  your  aid 
For  a  very  unhappy  and  love-lorn  maid. 
I  love  1 1 Aiiot  N,  and  I  rather  guess 
From  the  curious  manner  of  his  address, 
From  the  way  he  fidgets  and  stares  at  the  ceiling, 
That  HABOUN  reciprocates  the  feeling. 
But  when  I  try,  as  a  maiden  may, 
To  bring  him  to  book,  he  grows  dint  mil, 
And  flushes  and  blushes  and  runs  aw  i 
So  I  want  you  to  hint  to  llu    i  s.  your  Highness, 
There's  really  no  need  for  Mich  terrihle  shyness." 
I  readily  promise  my  help,  and  soon 
She  switches  me  on  to  the  youth  H.utotm ; 
I  'phono  him  some  fatherly  kind  advice, 
The  matt  !•  d  in  half  a  ti 

And  I  sleep  with  a  glow  of  sali>facl 
At  having  performed  such  a  nice  good  action. 

And  if  some  wag  with  a  taste  for  fun, 
As  he  lurches  home  at  half-past  one. 

Id  ring  me  up  from  my  l>ed  to  shout, 
"  Wi-ll.  Sllvlt,  is  your  mother  aware  you 're  out?" 
Am  I  angry?     No!     Rejoiced  my  folk 
Possess  such  an  c\, •,•]!, ;  [a  j,,k.>, 

I  greet  the  wag  with  a  loud  "  Ha.  ha  !  " 
I  am  such  a  humorous  kind  of  Shah. 

LOH>  CHABU8  BanrDRD'8  "<vimm/."  accord  ing  |0  77, 
Spectator,  turns  out  to  be  a  tame  duck  after  all,  hut  a  little 
high  with  keeping.  Hence  the  mistake. 


FEBRUARY  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


DODGE-MUD,  AND  HOW  TO 

PLAY  IT. 
A  GAME  FOR  A  RAINY  DAT. 

DODGE-MUD  is  a  game  for  Londoners 
in  London.  Played  properly  it  is  better 
than  Golf;  it  is  cheaper  and  affords 
more  occasions  for  self-control.  No 
apparatus  is  required  beyond  a  pocket- 
knife  and  ;i  clothes-brush  to  remove  the 
niud  after  each  game,  and  no  special 
costume  is  necessary,  although  the 
interest  and  excitement  will  be  increased 
i!'  you  happen  to  be  playing  in  your  best 
clotlics.  It  is  a  game  within  the  reach 
of  all  city  clerk,  retired  colonel,  seam- 
stress and  leader  of  fashion.  Everyone 
who  can  walk  can  play.  All  that  is 
i-ei|iiin>d  is  rain;  '14  of  an  inch  is 
sullicieiit  on  roads  laid  down  under 
IWough  contracts,  but  the  more  the 
rain  the  faster  the  game. 

Dodge-mud  is  an  out-door  game,  and 
can  be  played  in  any  London  street. 
It  can  be  played  on  the  way  to  and  from 
the  daily  work ;  few  games  have  this 
advantage. 

Any  one  can  play  excepting  sandwich- 
and  police-men.  They  cannot ;  they 
can  only  look  on. 

The  game  is  played  with  mud. 

There  are  two  sides.  You  are  one, 
called  the  Dodger.  Bus-men,  coachmen, 
chauffeurs  and  all  other  drivers  of 
vehicles  are  the  other ;  they  are  called 
the  Splashers. 

It  is  the  object  of  the  Splashers  to 
get  the  mud  out  of  the  road  on  to  the 
Dodger.  The  Dodger  tries  to  dodge  it. 

Splashers  may  only  drive  through  the 
mud  ;  they  may  not  use  their  whips  or 
any  other  implement. 

A  Dodger  may  only  use  two  methods  : 

(1)  The  dodge-direct,  which  consists  in 
springing  lightly  back  or  to  one  side. 

(2)  The  dodge-indirect,  which  is  simply 
taking  shelter  behind  stationary  objects, 
such    as    pillar-boxes,    policemen    and 
ladies    waiting    to    cross   the  road,   or 
moving  objects,  such  as  sandwich-men 
and  pedestrians.     The  dodge-indirect  is 
more    dignified    and    better   suited   to 
crowded  thoroughfares. 

A  Dodger  entering  a  hackney  coach, 
club,  cabman's  shelter  or  any  covered 
space,  is  considered  to  have  lost  the  game. 

A  Dodger  may  not  use  an  umbrella. 

Mud  should  be  carefully  scraped  off 
after  each  game  to  prevent  confusion. 

A  game  consists  of  25  points  over  a 
distance  of  half  a  mile. 

The  scoring  is  as  follows  :— 

A  hit  in  the  eye 7 

Do.  on  the  collar  or  any  part  of 
the  face  other  than  the  eye  ...     5 

All  other  hits,  for  each  spot 1 

A  pattern  (a  complete  splash  of 
five  or  more  spots)  10 

No  hit  counts  which  is  less  than  one 
foot  from  the  bottom  of  the  trouser. 


Lady  (meeting  servant  whom  she  had  recommended  for  a  situation).  "I  All  GLAD  TO  UEAE 

THAT  YOU   ABE  GETTING   ON   SO   WELL   IN   YOUR  NEW  PLACE.      YOUR    EMPLOYER    IS  A  NICE    LADT,  AND 
YOU   CANNOT  DO  TOO   MUCH   FOB  HER." 

Servant  (innocently).  "  I  DON'T  MEAN  TO,  MA'AM." 


Horse-drivers  give  the  best  game 
because,  besides  wheels,  they  have 
horses,  and  horses  have  feet,  which  they 
must  put  down  to  get  along.  Of  horse- 
drivers,  bus-drivers  are  best  because 
bus-horses  have  big  feet.  A  good 
driver  will  not  miss  a  single  puddle. 

The  fastest  game  is  obtained  from 
the  ordinary  wood  pavement — the  kind 
with  holes  in  it — but  the  beginner  is 
advised  to  commence  on  asphalte  or 
macadam  and  not  to  be  disheartened. 
Just  at  first,  he  is  pretty  sure  to  be 
repeatedly  hit  on  the  collar  or  in  the 
eye,  and  will  do  weU  to  remember  that 
even  experts  do  not  expect  to  escape 
without  one  or  two  chance  hits. 

The  dodge-direct  requires  only  agility. 
To  take  cover  intelligently  requires 
ingenuity  and  judgment.  Choosing 


your  occasion  to  move  swiftly  between 
stationary  objects  is  quite  a  feature  of 
the  game.     When  using  policemen,  en- 
deavour to  cloak  your  intention.      In 
using  other  pedestrians,  do  not  hug* 
them,  rather  hang  on|  them,  and  move 
behind  at  the  right  moment.     Here  j  udg- 
j  ment  is  required,  as  some  people  resent 
|  a  stranger  walking  close  to  them,  and 
will    increase    or    slacken    their    pace 
suddenly ;  this  leaves  you  unprotected, 
as  to  follow  suit  is  to  court  inquiry, 
which    takes    your   attention  off   your 
!game. 

For  the  rest,  do  not  rush  your  cross- 
ings,  and  look  out  for  the  Catherine- 
wheel    effects    of    the  motor  omnibus. 
i  Remember  that  Splashers  may  come  up 
i  from  behind  ;  listen  as  well  as  look. 
*  Nautical.  |  Racing. 


PUNCH,  OB  THB  LONDON  CHARIVARI  '  7 


THE    BETTER    HALF. 

OU  LaJy  (la  tin  n*ir  Vi«ir'«  Wife).  "OH  TES,  MUM,  I'rs  'ID  MY  ITS  AND 
*rrEi   'AD  WHAT  TOO   MAT  CALL  A  BUIOCB  TBODBLB.    I'n  OKLI  LOST  TWO 


OUR  MODERN  SOLOMONS. 

THE  eminent  diplomat  and  litterateur, 
Mr.  LJC  QCECX,  whose  latest  masterpiece 
is  adorning  the  pages  of  The  lUtutratrd 
Mail,  is,  as  his  myriad  readers  are  well 
aware,  the  master  of  a  style  at  once  terse 
yet  lambent,  pithy  yet  pathetic.  In  a 
recent  issue  of  the  journal  in  question  a 
few  specimens  of  his  Laconic,  or  perhaps 
we  should  say  lecunic  eloquence,  are 
given,  under  the  winsome  title  of 
"  Lequeoxiams : " — 

"And  the  tight  I  saw  was  stranger 
than  any  man  has  ever  dreamed." 

"Babbling  Belgram  is  far  removed 
from  busy  Brixton." 

The  world  has  a  abort  memory." 

"A  smiling    face   conceals    many  a 

l_A_   L  _  * 

•-  •    .      •   . : 

WUk   paupers   smile   millionaires 


Mr.   LE    QfEtrx   is    no  doubt    facile 

princrpt  in  the   art  of   coining  these 

1  soul-shaking  aphorisms,  in   which    the 

greatest  possible  amount  of  philosophy, 

j  poetry  and  experience  is  packed  into  an 

infinitesimal  compass  by  the  hydraulic 

pressure  of  his  massive  mentality.    But 

there  are  other  writers  who  follow  in 

his    path,  hand    nutibut  aquit    it  is 

'  in  Mill  with  occasional  moments 

of    illuminative    inspiration.     Foremost 

amongst   these   is,  perhaps,  Mr.    MAX 

PEMBUTOV,  from   whose  romances   we 

have  culled  a  sheaf  of  representative 

"  Max-ims." 

"Audacity  often  precipitates  a  cata- 
strophe." 

"It  is  a  far  cry  from  Mayfair  to 
Peckham  Rye." 

"  The  world  knows  little  of  its  most 
LDustrious  herow." 

"  The  sudden  elevation  of  the  impecu 


nious  is  seldom  attended  by  lasting 
prosperity." 

"  Two  and  two  make  four." 

Mr.  !;::•(.!:  llAGOARD  is  responsible  for 
the  following  crude  forecast  of  the 
masterly  epigram  of  Mr. 

(jil'ited  ill. 

"And    then    a    strange    thing 

paaad." 

wise,  witty,  and  tender  saying.s 
of  Mr.  SILAS  K.  HH'KIV;  are  as  innumer 
ahle  as  the  sand  on  the  seashore,  but  the 
fi  "Mowing  may  serve  as  exam] 

"  If  you  want  \oiir  kettle  to  l«.il,  avoid 
keeping  your  attention  fixed  upon  it." 

"  There  are  few  things  more  beautiful 
than  an  infant's  smile.' 

"  No  man  is  poor  who  has  a  sound 
digestion  and  a  good  ten 

"  The  further  we  are  from  England 
the  nearer  we  are  to  other  parts  of  the 
0  ba" 

^= 

SHAN'T. 
(A  Point  in  Feminine  T elf  grammar.) 

[The  Post  Office  authorities  (according  t" 
un  article  by  Mr.  HEXHIKER  II EATON  in  Pearson'* 
Weekly  for  Keb.  21)  hare  recently  yielded  to 
his  agitation,  with  the  result  that  the  contrac- 
tion "  shan't  "—which  he  describes  aa  a  ladies' 
word,  and  far  more  used  by  the  gentle  sex 
than  by  men — is  now  for  telegraphic  purposes 
regarded  as  one  word  instead  of  two.] 

THERE  is  a  little  wayward  word 

That  won't  agree  or  give  or  grant, 
A  negative  too  often  heard — 

The  female  "  shan't !  " 

"  I  won't !  "  a  man  will  flatly  say, 

Or  helplessly  admit  he  can't ; 
But  ladies  have  another  way— 

They  always  "  shan't." 

It  sounds  schoolgirl ish,  more  or  less, 

And  somehow  doesn't  quite  enchant, 
To  hear,  when  you  're  expecting  Yet, 
"I  simply  shan't !  " 

But  now,  at  any  rate,  there 's  joy 

For  each  man's  sister,  niece,  or  aunt ; 
They  still  more  freely  may  employ 
Their  favoured  "shan't.  ' 


A  ha'  penny  's  saved  whene'er  they  send 
This  torn  with  telegrammar  scant  ; 
Nor  need  we  further  pains  expend 
J'iscURsing  "  '" 


Look  at  this  !  ! 

"  A  Countess  (genuine)  will  write  her  auto- 
graph or  paint  beautiful  floral  sprays  in  allium*. 
etc.  for  charity.  Autograph  (only)  M.,  spray 
If."  —  Biaaar. 

"  AUTOGRAPH  or  spray,  Sir  ?  "  a* 
say  at  the  barber's. 

"  Young  Lady  (Protestant)  requires  situation 
as  Post  Office  Assistant"—  total  Paper. 

YKT  there  are  hardened  men  about 
who  can  buy  a  [d.  stamp  off  a  Roman 
Catholic  without  even  blushing. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  20,  1907. 


TETHEKED. 

MR.  PUNCH  (wearied  by  annual  delay  over  the  Debate  on  the  Address).  "NOW,   SHI,   YOU   HAVE    GREAT 
ADVENTURES  BEFORE  YOU.    WHY  DON'T  YOU  CUT  THE  ROPE  AND  START?" 
C.-B.  "  WE  'RE  ALWAYS  SUPPOSED  TO  HANG  ABOUT  A  BIT  AT  FIRST." 
MR.  PUNCH.  "THEN  THE  SOONER  YOU  MAKE  A  CHANGE  THE  BETTER." 


FEBRUARY  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


139 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.I'. 


House  of  Commons,  Tucmlinj,  l-'cb.  12. 
—  PRlNTEAlt'niuii,  rising  toopen  cainpiiign 
of  the  new  Session,  \v;is  discovered,  to 
delight  of  crowded  audience,  to  be  in 
line  fighting  form.  At  outset  of  speech 
on  Address,  he,  liy  exuberance  of  praise 
of  moderation  and  good  taste  of  Mover 
and  Seconder,  dexterously  dealt  a  back- 
handed blow  at  one  of  their  predecessors 
of  last  Session,  who  seized  the  oppor- 
tunity to  enter  the  field  of  political 
controversy. 

Had  something  to  say  about  recess 
procedure  of  several  of  His  Majesty's 
Ministers.  None  he  personally  admires 
more  than  ST.  AUGUSTINE  BIRRKLL,  whom 
the  new  Session  finds  separated  from 
the  Education  Office  by  the  unplumb'd, 
salt,  estranging  sea.  Always  convenient 
and  useful  for  a  Leader,  whether  on  Trea- 
sury Bench  or  in  quarters  on  other  side 
of  the  Table,  to  have  one  in  the  adver- 
sary's camp  who  may  be  unreservedly 
applauded.  It  gives  air  of  impartiality 
to  attack  on  his  colleagues.  Another 
Minister  whom  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  with  the 
sympathy  of  a  keen  fighter,  admires, 
without  personal  liking,  is  LLOYD-GEORGE. 
Had  several  things  to  say  of  "  the  ubiqui- 
tous PRESIDENT  OF  BOARD  OF  TRADE." 

Most  delightful  reference  of  all  was 
flashed  upon  the  figure  of  new  Minister 
to  Washington.  Referring  to  BRYCE'S 


. , , 


"A  CASE  FOE  EVICTION." 

(Is  this  Lord  CI-nr-o-rde  ?• -If  not,  it  ought 
to  be!) 
(Seen  on  Wimbledon  Common,  Feb.  1907.) 


TIIE  LATEST  DF.UCACY  AT  THE  "CARI.TON." 

"  Repatriation  (iu  the  New  Hebrides)  had  peculiar  difficulties  ...  It  was  like  repatriating 
the  Under-Secretary  to  the  Colonies  to  the  other  side  (Laugtiter).  If  they  popped  him  down 
on  one  side  of  the  island  he  was  admired,  respected,  and  cheered  ;  but  on  the  other  side  he 
was  eaten  (Loud  laughter)." — (Sir  Ch-rl-s  D-lke's  speech). 


speech  on  Irish  University  Education 
(no  one  seems  quite  sure  whether  it  was 
delivered  before  or  after  he  had  quitted 
the  Irish  Office),  described  him  as 
"  retiring  from  the  fighting  line,  shouting 
'  No  Surrender '  at  the  top  of  his  voice 
and  nailing  his  flag  to  someone  else's 
mast." 

"That,"  says  the  MEMBER  TOR  SARK, 
"  is  th<ibest  thing  said  in  the  House  on 
the  same  lines  since,  years  ago,  at  a 
serious  turn  of  the  conflict  between  the 
Parnellites  and  police  authority,  PARNEIA 
suddenly  disappeared  and  was  heard  of 
in  Paris.  HAROOURT  applied  to  him  the 
quotation : 

He  fled  full  soon  on  the  first  of  June, 
And  bade  the  rest  keep  fighting." 

Where  PRINCE  ARTHUR  tripped  was 
when  he  permitted  natural  indignation 
at  the  iniquity  of  the  Government  to 
carry  him  over  exceedingly  thin  ice. 
Looking  down  the  KING'S  Speech,  he 
observed  no  reference  to  approaching 
visit  of  Colonial  Premiers.  With  voice 
quavering  with  indignation,  which  found 
echo  in  the  pained  moan  of  gentlemen 
behind  him,  he  commented  on  "  this 
amazing  omission."  "  How  His  Majesty's 


Government  can  look  forward  to  the 
meeting  of  the  Prime  Ministers  of  the 
Colonies  within  the  next  few  weeks  and 
yet  make  no  reference  to  the  event  in  the 
Speech,  I  confess,"  he  cried,  throwing 
up  his  hands  with  gesture  of  despair, 
"  passes  my  understanding." 

Recovering  from  momentary  depres- 
sion which  contemplation  of  this  iniquity 
gathered  round  him,  and  resuming  atti- 
tude of  active  attack,  he  sternly  reproved 
C.-B.  for  ambiguity  in  the  matter  of  his 
views  on  the  question  of  Free  Trade, 
forced  to  endeavour  to  construe  C.-B.'s 
meaning  from  the  attitude  of  his 
colleagues,  "  I  really  don't  know  where 
I  am,"  PRINCE  ARTHUR  confessed,  shaking 
his  head  sadly  over  a  man  with  soul  so 
dead  that  he  was  not  able  to  make  himself 
understanded  of  the  people  on  question 
of  Tariff  Reform. 

Long  time  since  crowded  House  has 
enjoyed  such  prolonged  bout  of  laughter 
as  this  sally  evoked.  Meanwhile  PRINCE 
ARTHUR,  with  countenance  on  which 
sorrow  softened  anger,  regarded  the 
roaring  host  opposite.  If,  in  a  matter 
of  this  importance,  they  could  make  light 
of  the  criminal  laches  of  their  Leader, 


140 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARL_          [Eterom  20,  1907. 


be  amid  only  regret  it.    It  was  i. 


'..   abo  in    excellent    form. 
....  -    •  •     • 

•  • 
of  manuscript,  be  rrHum.il  the 

-    ' 

bssure  bis  spirits  were  damped 
by  the  task  of    Leader  of   a  .1. 
Opposition.    Pmc*  ARTHVR  had  twice 
-• 


in 


firrt  plaoe  from  failure  of  memory, 
the  second  bun  what,  if  the  phrase 
were  Parliamentary,  might  be  described 
M  pore  devilry.  C.-B.  treated  him  with 
that  softened  the 
blow  of  hia  disarming  awutu. 

the   fact  that  twice  under 


in  responsibility  of  which 
PRTMX  ARTBTR  had  tarn  share,  in 

1802,  Colonial  Premiere  met  in 
in  Ixmdon.  But  there  was 
ee  to  the  event  in  Speech  from 
Throne.  "That  being  BO,"  C.-B.  added. 
with  friendly  nod  acroM  the  Table,  "  we 
did  not  like  to  obtrude  our  shabby 
little  share  of  interest  in  the  Colonies." 

This  retort  courteous  waa  unexpected, 
and  therefore  most  effective.  The  House, 
by  outburst  of  hilarity,  hail  anticipated 
rejoinder  on  complaint  about  ('.It'- 
.mil. i^uity  of  declaration  of  position  on 
Tariff  Question.  But  Tariff  Iteformers 
seated  behind  Front  Opposition  Bench 
grinned  afresh  when  C'.-B.,  leaning 
across  Table,  amid  with  genial  smile, 
"  What  the  House  and  the  country  want 
to  know  is  not  my  views  on  the  Free 
Trade  Question,  which  are  simple  and 
ordinary,  bat  the  views  of  right  hon. 


raised    sheer    ignorance.       Only    one 
iles;  to  Mr.  WEIR'S  per* 

,-ertainly  not  new.     But  what 

. 

in  (ilaagow  OB  if  it 
were  spelled  "opucyli.il! 
As  far  as  Mr  dd  make  •  ••>< 

was    fairly 
looted,  somebody  (probably   the 

ADVOCATE)  had  < i  .1  was  adminis 

ering  a  syatem  of  indentured  l.ilmir  in 

1,-s.      Tlu-   term* 

ment,  he  gathered,  invulved  a  eoodiUon 

:  atriutioii  at    is  a  thin;; 

no  Scot  who  respects  himself  ami  truly 

ores  hi«  country  will   wilmiit   to.     He 


dtme.  —  Session     opened. 
Address  moved  in  both  Houses. 

MWiMc&iy. — Mr.  WEIR  never  so  sur- 
prised in  his  life.  On  Monday  came 
south  at  some  expenditure  of  bawbees 
in  obedience  to  his  Leader's  summons 
to  be  in  his  place  to  discuss  "  matters 
of  grave  importance."  No  secret  about 
their  character.  First  and  foremost  was 
duly  of  bringing  House  of  Lords  to 
knee.  Hills  severally  dealing  with 
those  ticklish  topics,  Ireland  and  Licens- 
ing, on  the  Agenda.  A  docen  others 
conu-mplated ;  but  these  will  serve. 

Address  moved  yesterday;  debate 
resumed  this  afternoon.  Mr.  WEIR  has 
an  amendment  or  two  up  hia  sleeve 
dealing  with  inadequate  postal  fa> 
in  the  Orkneys,  the  misdoing  of  a  gun- 
boat in  the  Minch,  and  the  proposed 
opening  of  a  tall  ehani.mt  at  Cape 
Wrath.  These  by-and-by.  To  begin 
with  would  say  a  few  words,  whether  on 
Lord*,  licensing,  or  Home  Rule,  accord - 
a»  on*  or  other  might  turn 

in  at  4  o'clock,  he  discovered 


the  New 


Labour  quasi  ions 


in 


bytheadjectmbedidnotknow.    Sur 


AT  THE  BAR. 

Haldane  has  been  at  the  War  Office  little 
more  than  twelve  month*,  and  behold  this 
Kinking  change."  • 

will  cross  the  Tweed,  come  to  London 
become  in  turn  Prime  Minister  and 
Leader  of  the  Opposition,  or  vice-ver»A 
But  repatriation  he  will  not  submit  to. 

Case  before  the  House  was,  moreover 
complicated  by  considerations  unknown 
in  Ross  and  Cromarty.  According  to 
DII.KF.  -  whose  sound  up-to-date  encyclo- 
paedic knowledge  makes  him  mud 
better  worth  circulating  (with  or  withoir 
revolving  bookcase)  than  some  volum.  - 
of  which  we  wot— repatriation  might  IM 
carried  out  in  the  II. -In  nude 

conditions  of  extren .  -.n. 

i«,"  he  *.. 

are  not  popular  with  their  chief   wh- 
am expatriated.    Sending  them  Kick  t. 
•>wn   country  is  like   repatriating 
WnsjTOH  CHCRCHH.L.    If  you    land    re- 


>:itriati-<l   nativt-8   on  one  ci"li-  of   tli.'ir 

tliry  will  !>.'  r.  i    i\.  .1  \\itli 
•lativix  aii'l  fri-Tnls.      If  you  lain!  tin-in 
m  tli.  tli.-y  '11  !>••  .Mt.-n." 

Mr.  WK.III  was  ii>»lia-t.      Hi-  km-v. 

unl  South.  Tin-  i-laml  of  L  \vi.- 
iraa  almost  as  familiar  (•>  him  its  the 
•.niiitry  runnel  I/n-h  MaPf.  llnn^.-r.  a* 
iiftni  totitiiil,  \\.i-*  ii"t  nnfamihar 

tin-  crof-  .niliali-ii. 

inknoxvn.     Must  go  out  ami   . 
if  this  Bin.-  15«.>k    he  observc<l   in  «-v.  ry 
iiatnl.      Ifcirk  il'px-kly. 
niegtdont.     Talking  round  about. 

17    niijlit.     RcmarkaMc    example 

if  the  inllnenee  of  asaociatiim  in  monld- 

ng  the  appearance  of  a  man  is  suppli.  •! 

n  tin-  case  of  the  Secretary  of  State  for 

iVar.     S imc  of  us  have  known  HAIJ>VM. 

.hrough  the  more  than  a  quarter  of  a 

vntury  he  has  represenUxl  llaililin^ton- 

shire  at  \Ve-itminster.     Throughout  that 

ime  he  had  the  Chancery  Bar  look  and 

nanner,  varied   l>y  a  timln;-  siiKtly  p.  r 

vading  the  figure  of  a  Founder  of  the 

Iritish   Science  Cuild  for  the  Propaga- 

•  Kxact  Thinking. 

Looking  at  him  to-night  as  he  stood 
or  a  few  moments  at  the  Bar  in  the 
ittitude  of  •"  Attention  !"  occasionally 
unconsciously  dropping  his  left  hand 
to  hia  thigh  as  if  fivlin;;  for  tin-  accus- 
tomed sword,  one  was  struck  by  his 
remarkable  personal  likeness  to  thr 
Emperor  NAPOLEON.  If  he  would  culti- 
vate (more  Seatico  on  a  little  oatmeal  a 
longer  growth  of  hair  to  the  front,  curl 
a  lock  over  his  forehead,  and  ride  down 
;.•  de  liivoli  to  pay  a  visit  to  Les 
Invalides,  he  would  create  a  Revolution 
in  Paris.  In  addition  to  facial  expres- 
sion, he  strengthens  the  illusion  Ky 
appearance  of  something  of  that  cmbtm- 
]»>int  that  pleasingly  marked  the  figure 
of  the  great  EMPEBOB  in  later  years. 

Thus  wonderful  are  the  workings  of 
Nature.  HAIJ>AXE  has  been  at  tin-  War 
Office  little  more  than  twelve  months, 
and  behold  this  striking  change. 

Iiufine*»donr.     Still  on  the  Address. 


IT  will  be  remembered  that  the  Hight 
Hon.  JOHN   BURNS,  M.P.,  speaking   at 

U-uisham  last  week,  said  that  he  wanted 
U-wisham  "to  return  the  son  of  his 
father."  We  have  reason  to  U-lievi- 
that,  irn-i  f  party  feeling,  the 

n  of  b-wi-ham  are  p~"l\ed  I.. 
mmjily  with  thin  request  at  all  cost*. 
While  Mr.  Bfitxs  will  doiihtless  be 
gnitilied  liy  this  expression  of  the  regard 
which  the  people  of  lywisham  have  fur 
him.  he  is  likely  to  t>c  troiililed  by  the 
nism  of  Women  Suffragists,  who 
see  in  this  advice  a  weakening  of  his 
sympathy  with  their  movement.  We 
understand  that  Battersea  is  soon  to  be 
aroused  by  the  battle-cry,  "  Vote  for 
the  Daughters  of  their  Mothers." 


FEBRUARY  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


141 


Master  of  Beaglet.  "  Hi !    HAS  OUR  BEATEN  HARE  PASSED  YOC  ?  " 
Gipsy.  "  NEVER  NO  'ARE  AIN'T  PASSED  ME,  MISTER  ! " 


THE  INVISIBLE  PLAYMATE. 

[One  of  the  stipulations  in  the  INHAX- 
HAKVEKSON  billiard  match  is  that  when  one  is 
pluving  the  other  must  not  sit  at  the  top  of 
the  table.— Daily  Paper.] 

WKEN  PEALL,  with  dire,  relentless  cue, 
I  lad  scored  3,000  off  the  spot, 

Which  seemed  a  simple  thing  to  do, 
Yet  took  a  lot 

Of  doing,  then  by  general  consent 

The  spot  was  told  to  go,  and  forthwith 
went. 

Then  IVES  contrived  the  balls  to  pen 

With  a  pocket's  orifice, 
And  cannoned  on  for  weeks,  till  men 

Exclaimed,  "No,  this 
Is  not  what  we  call  billiards  " — on  the 

card 

Of  rides  was  writ  the  legend — "Jam- 
stroke  Barred." 

When  ROBERTS  in  his  turn  displayed 
Uncompromising  pushfulness, 

Another  barrier  was  made — • 
Men  said,  "  I  guess 

This  push-stroke  fakement  will  not  do 
for  us, 

It  makes  the  game  far  too  monotonous." 


And  now  we  find  that  lesser  men — 

INMAN  and  HARVERSON,  to  wit- 
Contrive  to  bar  the  spot  again ; 

One  may  not  sit 
Where   t'other,    with  a  1,000-break  in 

view, 
May  catch  his  eye,  and  balefully  miscue. 


A  hut,  a  handy  hut  on  wheels, 
Painted  some  unobtrusive  hue, 

Is  just  the  thing,  this  foozler  feels, 
Granted  a  true 

And  trusty  caddie,  posted  at  the  door, 

Which,  opening,  letting  in,  lets  out  no 
more 


This  careful  stipulation  serves  Until  with  confident  address, 

To  demonstrate  conclusively  Secure  from  SNOOKS'  malefic  gaze, 

That  stark  professionals  have  nerves,  I  give  the  tap — no  more,  no  less — 

Like  you  and  me,  Which  on  its  ways 

Who  grunt,  "  Confound  that  marker's  (Admire  the  metaphor  in  this  last  line) 


yawn  (or  cough), 
I  knew  he  would  be  sure  to  put  me  off." 

Will  HARVERSON,  condemned  to  stay 
Without  the  INMAN  line  of  sight, 

KVi  ire,  when  he  is  not  in  play, 
To  couch  forthright 

Beneath  the  table,  till  the  marker  calls, 

"  Sir,  it  is  now  your  turn  to  nurse  the 
balls?" 

From  INMAN  and  from  HARVERSON 

I  take  a  lesson  to  the  links, 
Where  I  have  lost  by  two  and  one, 

Or  more,  methinks, 

All  for  the  lack  of  some  convenient  hut, 
Wherein  to  gaol  my  partner  while  I  putt. 


Launches    the 
shrine. 


pillule   to    its   destined 


The  Lost  Millions. 
THE  accountants  who  have  been  at 
work  night  and  day  for  some  weeks  at 
Tlic  Times  office  have  now  sent  in  their 
report,  showing  the  following  sums  that 
have  been  lost  by  famous  authors  owing  to 
their  misfortune  in  having  existed  before 
The  Times  Book  Club  was  started  :— 

W.SHAKSPEARE £106 

J.  MILTOS  £0    2    8 

E.  A.  POE £10,000  15    0 

HARRISON  AINSWORTH  £58,000    0    3 

M.  F.  TOPPER £1,496,132  16    6 


PUNCH, 


THK   LONDON  CHAKIVAIM. 


20.  1907. 


CROSS-EXAMINING    A    SUFFRAGIST. 

1—Aiumr.  She  u  a 


Bec»nse  she  hM  gone  to 


Mr.  I'**,),.  Who  M  Mm  F 
toble  umrl  yr. 

Why  is  she  a  noble  martyr  ? 
iriaon  far  the  Gaaaw. 

Why  wa*  sh*  sent  to  prixmT-For  insisting  on  her  righto 
n  Parliament  Souarr. 

K..r  kicking  policemen  in  Parliament  Square?—  Feasibly  ; 
I  was  not  present. 

I.  let  us  aay.  far  behaving  in  an  unwomanly  way?- 
Sbe  aacrificed  heraelL    She  w  a  martyr. 

I  aw.    Suppose  that  I  behave  in  an  unmanly  way  on 
of  Tariff   Reform,  am   I   a   martyr?—  You   dont 
.• 

It  it  a  little  difficult.  You  talk  about  the  Cause,  What 
u  the  CWe  ?  -Woman's  Suffrage. 

Do  women  want  the  suffrage?-  Miss  PAXKHCBST  3  martyrdom 
•  TOUT  answer. 

Ought  women  to  have  the  suffrage?—  Why  else  is  Miss 
PmanBT  in  prison  ? 

I  understand  that  Hiss  PAXKHVBBT  need  not  have  gone  to 
prison.  Was  there  not  some  mention  <>f  a  fine  instead  ?  —  She 
•anted  to  show  that  she  was  prepared  to  suftVr  for  tin-  Cause. 

Let  us  be  quite  clear  about  this.    There  are  a  few  million 

Tmr*  ,„  England.  I  understand  that,  if  Mias  PJLVKHUIWT 
had  paid  the  21«..  those  million  women  would  not  have 
wanted  the  suffrage;  hut  that  as  she  has  gone  to  prison 
that  shown  that  they  do  want  it.  Is  that  right  ?  Well. 
of  course,  if  - 

Let  us  take  a  particular  case.  Let  us  take  the  case  of 
Miss  Ifcmrx,  of  Halham,  say.  Now  we  don't  know  a  bit 
whether  she  wants  the  vote,  do  we  ?—  No. 

-  whether  she  is  a  fit  person  to  have  it?—  N-no. 

And  if  Miss  PAXKHI  R>r  had  paid  her  21*.  we  should  still 
in  »  mate    (  um>  rt.iinty  about  MissBaOWX?     (Noatuvxr.) 

But  because  Miaa  PuBBDaWl  lias  gone  to  prison,  we  now 

p  with  tremend«His  clearness  that  Miss  BBOWH  both  wants 
and  is  entitle!  t<>  tlie  vote.    That  is  so,  is   it  not?     Mi  — 
l'i\  KIII  RST  is  speaking  for  the  women  of  Kngland  generally 
n..t  for  Miss  Daowx  in  particular. 

All.  yea.  Then  no  doubt  the  women  of  England  have 
giv.ii  her  pernwKiua  to  speak  for  them?  They  have  written 
to  her,  perhaps?  All  those  millions  have  written  to  Miw 
Pi\Kiira9T  to  aay  that  -  .  —  Of  course  she  hasn't  luid  a 
milli<m  letters. 

How  many  has  she  had  ?  —  What  do  you  mean  ? 
A  tlxiuKaixl  ?    -i  Vo  annrer.) 
What  1  am  asking  you  is  this.     How  many  women  have 
given  Miss    PAXKRCBST    permission  to   represent  them? 
Represent  them  where  ? 

Well,  in  Parliament  Square.  Or  in  Holloway.—  (ATi 
mutter.) 

A  thousand?  Miss  PiXKHOasr  speaks  fur  all  women  who 
want  the  vote.  Of  course  I  don't  know  exactly  how  many 
that  is. 


her  do  I.    And  each 
disturbance  or  goes  to  prison, 
number,  do  w.  supo 


'     • 
we  get 

Mupl-.**- 


Miaa  PAXKBUBBT  make*  a 


no  nearer  to  the  rea 


And  no  nearer  to  the  rights  and  wrongs  of  the  suffrage 
question  ?  -  < \o  an«rrr.) 

And  so,  after  all,  we  come  down  to  thia— that,  when  Miss 
PAMUOW  goes  to  prison,  our  deductions  can  only  concern 
Misa  PAXKBLIHT?  You  deduce,  of  course,  that  Miss  Pun 
mam  wants  the  vote. 

••  so.     Now,  as  regards  the  question  of  the   : 
think  we  may  f  it   like  tl  •••  paid  tin 

fine,  we  might  feel  doubtful  about  h-  • 
enthnsiaam  on  behalf  of  her  opinions,  but  that  if  she  wen 

•        ,      •..,..-.,.,   r.  .!-:••  I     -~  --.••!    1        • 


ualities.     Is  that  right?     Ye*.     It  prove* 

jauff.  r  f..r  h.-r  faith. 

To  sul'  r   faith.       Exactly.      And   the  greater  the 

ffering,  the  grea  •  her  faith  ?     ^  >mly. 

,  .    .  ...  •          :•  i   astatttM  be 

.    ,-.,.;-.  V.  M 

She  would   be  miserable   if  she   wen-   bud    up  with  an 
linens,  and    unable   !••    Lad    you  against  tlio    House    of 
.'omrnons? — Absolutely  miserable, 
And  I  suppose  the   fact  that  other  women  wen 

heir  nain.it  in  the  papers,  and  making  gr.-.it  de i-t  ration-. 

nd  going  rhivrfully  to  martyrdom,  would  only  make  it  more 
)itter  for  her  as  she"  Kit  idly  at  home?     t  ill,  yes,  it  would. 
She  would  suffer  acutely,  in  fact  ?      "l 
I  want   to   have   this  CMUT.      Her  sufferings  would    I..- 

B  such  a  cose  as   I  have'   mentioned?     Very  gre.it 
ndecd.     I  can  imagine  nothing  worse  for  her. 

And  the  greater  the  suffering,  the  great,  r  the  proof  of  her 
aith  in  the 

Thank  you.     That  is  my  case. 
Hi*  lordship  then  dV/uvn-./  ]n.ljm,-»i  «*  f,Jlmr.t : 
That  Miss  PAHKHUB8T  and  her  family  should  show  their 
aith  in  the  cause   by  suffering    in    the  w.iv  BUggeated    by 
/r.   I'uncli.     That   they  should    stay   quietly  at    home   for  a 
vhile     k.-ep  out  of  the  new.-paj.ers     arrange  no  demon 

to  no  prison;  seeing  that  this  would  be  a  much 
ruer  and  more  effective  martyrdom  than  anything  they  had 
lone  as  yet. 

"And."  continued  hi-  l^nUiij..  waxing  eloquent,  "  if  time 
langs  heavy  on  their  hands — 

"  Are  there  no  beggars  at  the  gate, 
N.ir  any  poor  about  the  lands? 
Oh !  teach  the  orphan-boy  to  read. 
Or  tcacli  tin-  orphan-girl  to  sew, 
Pray  Heaven  for  a  Woman'*  heart, 
And  let  the  Woman's  Suffrage  go." 

THE  MOTOR  AND  THE  MATIN  HE. 

WK  had  a  tiff  and  so  we  chose  to  ride, 

JACK  on  the  roof  to  soothe  his  rage  by  smoking, 

I      till  the  jH-trol  vanquished  me      inside. 
. I  \.  K  really  i-  ly  provoking 

Why  should  he  make  all  this  old-maidish  fuse 
1  choose  to  board  a  motor-bus  ? 


:  was  my  escort  to  a  wui/iwV 

\Vc  patronised  the  j'it     and  1.  unwilling 
IVlilierately  thus  to  throw  away 

I'l-.n  a  cab  the  all  too  nimble  shilling. 
Informed  him  firmly  that  my  choice  wa.-  made, 
And  bid  him  hail  the  bus,  so  he  obeyed. 
The  pavement  8to«xl  in  need  of  some  repair  ; 

The  going  could  not  be  described  as  easy; 
The  driver  wore  a  look  of  anxious  care; 

The  roads  were  most  abominably  greasy, 
And  we  betrayal     the  fact  can  not  1«  hid— 
An  unmistakable  desire  to  skid. 

Down  in  the  Strand  a  hansom  drew  across, 

<  dirrenr  brakes  shrieked,  the  air  was  thick  with  curses 
I  thought  our  Vanguard  was  a  total  loss; 

I  know  we  suffered  three  complete  reverses; 
Hut  at  the  (iimiily  where  we  w.re  due 
Ity  great  good  luck  we  charged  the  waiting  queue. 
A  clinging  lamp  JHM!  served  to  chii-k  our  run 

•  e  mowed  it  down,  but  it  declined  to  leave  us), 
\Ve  were  shot  off  like  bullets  from  a  gun 
.luM  at  the  (|.>TS  which  opened  to  receive  us. 
I  •••  justified,  for.  as  it  ended. 
1  places  we  secured  wen-  siiiij.lv  splendid  ! 


FEBRUARY  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVAKL 


143 


CHARIVARIA. 

A  RECENT  occurrence  at  Woolwich,  has 
proved  that,  in  spite  of  rumours  to  the 
contrary,  the  nation  is  in  possession  of 
a  very  satisfactory  explosive.  At  the 
same  time  it  is  a  debatable  point 
whether  the  authorities  need  have  taken 
such  drastic 
public. 


measures  to  reassure  the 


By  the  by,  some  idea  may  be  formed 
of  the  force  of  the  explosion  from  the 
statement  in  the  Press  that  it  has 
thrown  three  or  four  hundred  men  out 
of  employment.  


Many  residents  on  hearing  the  noise 


.Many  persons  muut  have  noticed  the 
grave  and  -worried  air  which  the  members 
of  the  Army  Council  were  recently  wear- 
ing. The  shrewder  ones  amongst  us 
who  guessed  that  a  matter  of  some  import 
was  being  discussed  have  turned  out  to 
be  right.  It  is  now  announced  that  the 
Army  Council  have  decided  to  reduce  the 
proportion  of  war  equipment  camp  kettles 
to  one  for  every  twenty-four  men. 

The  Dickens  Fellowship  is  investi- 
gating the  claim  of  Sudbury,  Suffolk, 
to  be  the  "  Eatanswill "  of  Tlie  Pickwick 


Sins'  of  Society,  he  having  1  been  so 
fortunate  as  to  discover  recently  half-a- 
dozen  capital  new  vices.  We  trust  that 
the  new  series  will  prove  as  entertaining 
and  as  great  a,  success  as  the  previous 


one. 


The  Registrar-General's  Report  shows 
that  there  is  a  decreasing  demand  for 
widows  in  the  marriage-market,  and  it 
is  prophesied,  that  they  will  gradually 
die  out.  

A  medical  paper  mentions  the  case  of 


Papers.  We  have  reason  to  believe  that :  a  woman  who,  after  an  operation,  kept  a 
the  Government  feels  hurt  that  no  appli- 1  pair  of  forceps  in  her  body  for  ten  and 
cation  was  made  to  it  to  appoint  a  Royal  a  half  years.  They  have  now  been 


of  the  explosion  be- 
came panic-stricken, 
as  they  were  under 
the  impression  at 
first  that  a  new 
route  for  motor- 
omnibuses  had  been 
opened,  and  that 
the  vehicles  were 
passing  their  doors. 


Commission  on  the  subject. 


recovered,  and,  as 


Burglars  have 
stolen  a  number  of 
valuable  paintings 
and  objets  d'art 
from  the  residence 
of  Mr.  CHARLES 
WERTHEIMER.  It  is 
most  gratifying  to 
see  a  love  of  art 
springingup  among 
our  criminal  classes, 
and  there  can  be 
little  doubt  that  a 
large  amount  of  the 
credit  is  due  to  the 
educational  influ- 
ence of  the  increas- 
ing number  of 
museums  and  free 
picture  galleries  in 
the  poorer  quarters 
of  London. 


it  was  the  woman's 
first  offence,  it  is 
thought  that  no 
further  action  will 
be  taken  in  the 
matter. 

After  being 
totally  blind  for 
twenty-five  years,  a 
Baltimore  minister, 
says  The  New  York 
Herald,  has  re- 
covered his  sight 
by  a  fall  on  the  ice. 
The  first  things  he 
saw  were,  we  under- 
stand, stars. 


THE    BOY'S    POINT    OF    VIEW. 

Injured  Urchin.  "'ERE!    DON'T  TOU  oo   m  THERE,  MATEY.    IT'S  A  BLOOMIN'  SWINDLE! 

LAST  NIOBT,  HE  AND  'iM  WAS  SWINOIN1  RIGHT  UP  'iQH,  WHEN  IT  BROKE.  I  GOT  1IE  ARM  AND  EYE 
BUSTED,  'E  GOT  TWO  TEETH  KNOCKED  ODT ;  AND  WOT  DO  YOB  THINK  ?  TlIE  STINGY  BLOKE  WOULDN'T 
GIVE  US  ANOTHER  OO  FOR  THE  SAME  PENNY  !  " 


With  reference  to  the  WERTHEIMER 
Burglary  we  have  received  a  letter  point- 
ing out  that,  the  day  after  the  burglary, 
Tin'.  Daily  Mail  published  a  diagram 
showing  exactly  how  it  was  done,  as 
well  as  sketches  of  the  pictures,  and 
our  correspondent  leaves  us  to  draw 
our  own  inferences  as  to  where  he 
would  look  for  the  thief. 


It  is  significant,  by  the  way,  that  the 
journal  in  question,  in  its  account  of  the 
affair,  says  :  "  Mr.  WERTHEIMER  himself 
was  the  last  of  the  occupants  of  the 
house  to  go  to  bed  on  the  night  of  the 
burglary."  This  is  an  obvious  attempt, 
our  correspondent  thinks,  to  throw 
people  off  the  scent. 


Mr.  GEORGE    HENRY  WILLIAM    LEWIS, 
who  was 
Sessions 


m 


convicted   at  the 
November   last, 


Middlesex 


has  been 

released  from  prison,  and  is  expecting 
hourly  to  be  called  to  fill  an  important 
position  on  the  staff  of  The  Daily  Mail. 


Permission  has  now  been  given  to 
the  Judges  of  the  King's  Bench  Division 
to  wear  their  smart  red  robes  on  an 
additional  number  of  days.  Dandies  ! 

"The  Pluckiest  Act  of  the  Year"  is 
the  title  which  an  ungaLlant  contem- 
porary is  said  to  have  given  to  an  account 
of  the  marriage  of  a  Suffragette. 

Father  VAOGHAN  has  arranged  to  give 
a  further  series  of  six  addresses  on  the 


P.T.O.  draws  at- 
tention to  a  scurvy 
trick  played  on  the 
late  Sergeant-Major 
DICKSON.  "Thevivid 
narrative,"  says  our 
contemporary, 
"that  used  to  im- 
press his  hearers 
while  drinking  his 
glass  of  toddy  in  a 
little  Fifeshire  inn 
is  related  in  this 
month's  Chambers' 


Journal."  No  words  of  ours  can  ade- 
quately express  our  contempt  for  those 
false  friends  who,  while  the  old  gentle- 
man was  engrossed  in  his  tale,  drank 
his  liquor. 

"  Eighteen  miles  is  the  longest  distance  at 
which  a  man's  roice  has  been  heard.  This 
occurred  at  the  Grand  Canon  of  the  Colorado, 
where  a  man  shouting  '  Bob '  at  one  end  was 
plainly  heard  at  the  other,  18  miles  away."— 
Cassell's  Saturday  Journal. 

THIS  works  out  at  a  mile  and  a-half 
for  a  penny,  so  it  isn't  so  wonderful 
after  all. 

"The  two  small  woolsacks  immediately 
opposite  the  Throne  were  filled  by  Judges." — 
Morning  Post. 

What  the  public  wants  to  know  is 
(l)Why?  (2)  What  with? 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  ril.MUVARL  [ftauun  20.  1907- 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  .Vr.  Puneh't  &aff  of  learned 
MAX  who  ia  of  mingW  Irwh  and  gipsy  blood  and  is 
rd  after  a  Greek  island  haa  a  better  chance  than  moat 

-   :     •     .: 


idle- 


]  ..    .          :-.    •    -. 

l.ui  he  waa  American 


writt,.u  I,,  t-.i-i.dly  to  F  riviiiasoiis.  Archil. i-t«.  and 

!    iniii-ii.illv  stimulating 

Tin-    heni.    lirought    up    in    a    cathedral    <1 
inothrr  '  :    g.-ntle.  with   sm<-  .lh  hair  and   B 

church    ii.---.ll.  work."    e.irly    showed    signs    of    architectural 
ahilily.  which  Dinted  the  way  to  Italy.       lint   that 

i  the  worthy  J>ean.  his   father,  who   "  believed   that 

implied  a  Univeraity education,' 

him    iliMead    to    Kehle,    "a    college    which    sii'in- d    likely    to 
urage  a  well  hn-d  orthodoxy,  without    providing   further 

food  for  architectural  enthusiasm."     In  the  "bustling  ;-"-' 


•w  HKJUDI'»  life  baa  now  been  told 
-k,!!  l.y  hi*  friend  ELIZABETH 
DHLUTX  and  ia  arnt  forth  by 
OoWTtfU  in  two  volume*. 
of  which  the  greater  part 
of  lettera.  I  reeoro- 
thc  book  to  all  who 
for  the  adTenturea  of 
a  diatinguiahed  and  acutely 
honeat  intrllert  in  the  n«*n-h 
for  peace  of  aooL 

,-at     Golffrt    in    thf 

Makiaa  (MCTBIEV)  ia  a  capital 

example  of  a  good  i<l>-.t 
happily  carried  out.  Mr. 
IXMII  haa  induced  thirty- 
four  famoua  playera.  amateur 
and  profeaeional,  from  <>1<1 
Ton  llnaua,  the  honoured 
doyen  of  the  game,  down  to 
the  youthful  ex-amateur 
champion,  Mr.  A.  (i.  Humv. 
to  talk  al»>ut  themaelves, 
and  they  liare  reaponded  to 
hia  allurinff  invitation  with 
alacrity.  Moat  golf  era  are 
journaliaU  nowadaya,  and 
wield  the  pen  aa  easily  aa 
the  driver,  but,  aa  ao  often 
happena,  the  moat  engaging 
rmulta  are  achiered  by  the 
nnakilled  penman,  and  there 
ia  nothing  better  in  the  book 
than  the  artleaa  narrative  of 
old  TOM  Moo*,  with  iu 
delightful  digreaaiona  on  hia 


first  church,  and  the  Mruggle  in  his  mind 
U-twi-en  the  ciu.tit  of  the 
Beautiful  and  the  earthly 
love  which  seemed  to  him  a 

hlx-k,      is      finely 

and  described.   The 

book  is  often  iuy.-tic.il.  always 
suggestive,  and  Mr.  I 
im.l.s  jMiw.-r  of  delicate  hut 
inci.-ive  ridicule  is  constantly 
cropping  up  in  the  most  un- 
•  •d  places. 


'  I    'ill  TOO  'at  ACTIX' 

'Yet.    I  'a  riur 


OX   TBS  STAGE,   BlI.l.T  ?  " 

u  THE  rtorr  HIKE!' 


mitiation    in 


the 


Mr.   ABOUBALD 

latcet      novel,     l-'.ft<m 

(At8i<  -  'V  ('"..  <>*.)i  is, 

iii  my  judgment,  l>y  far  the 
best   tiling    he    lias   >l<>ne   as 
yet     It  has  all   tin-   humour 
and  sense  of   character,   tin- 
same  fairness  in  stating  ami 
making  allowance  for  opposite 
jx)iuts   of   view,   that    \\  • 
conspicuous   in    his    IMnird 
lt<ild<»-k,  while,  as  a  st. 
is  infinitely  Letter  omstr 
balanced  and   d  1   than 

its  predecessor.      The    main 
idra  -an  elderly  pe> 
well-mean  i  UK   but  autocratic, 
coming,    with    the     l»-st    and 
most  benevolent  intent  i 
the  world,  to   live   in  a   ; 
ful    Hampshire    village,    and 
succeeding  only,  to  her  sur- 
prise and  dismay,  in  setting 


practice  of  all  the  inhabitants  by  the  ears  -  is  full  of  humcrOUl  i>ossi- 

anoking  and' the  reaaon  why  he  did  not  become  a  mason,   hiliti.-s  of  which  the  author  has  taken  every  advantage. 
On   the  other  hand   the  moat  practised   writer   among  all       There  are  situations  that,  with  a  little  less  tact  in  handling, 
golfers,  Mr.  lloucc  HimHino*,  givea  ua  a  capital  chapter  on  might  easily  have  jarn-d  on  the  reader,  hut  which  arc 
hia  early  experiences.    The  attitude  of  young  Oxford  to  golf  from  anything approaching  a  false  note  l.y  Mr.  MMMIUI'S 
thirty  year*  ago  ia  admirably  aummed  up  iu  the  sentence: '  remarkaKle  skill  in  dialogue.     If r*.  Prwtttoe  b  a  real  en 
"  I  remember  that  what  amazed  them  moat  waa  that  a  game  |  and   the  two   in-j  ,i,M--   Imt    "candid"    friends,   C 
ahould  be  played  in  ooe'a  ordinary  dotbea."    Very  good  .d~.    /'».-.,. -r  and  M<isimili<iii  Browne  the  Lind  a^.-nt,  are  drawn 
ia  Mr.  Joamrr  I/>w.  that  impenitent  opponent  of  the  rul.U-r    in  the  true  com.-dy  spirit. 

covered  ball.    For  the  rest  thaae  fragmentary  autobiographies  |     Altogeth.  •[   which   is    not  merely   entertaining, 

are  interesting  not  merely  from  a  technical  point  of  view  but  but   anne,  wholesome,  and   excellently  observed— qualities 
aa  ravdbtiom  of    individuality,    ranging    from    unaffected  by  no  means  invariably  found  minlum-d  in  modern  fiction. 
modesty  to  nnahaahrd  egotism.    But  the  camaraderie  of  the 
golfer  M  agreeably  shown  throughout,  and  pleasure  mingled 
with  regret  will  be  awakened  by  the  many  tribute*  to  the 
rhiralroua  nature  of  the  late  FtamDY  TAIT. 


TV  Lott  Ward  (H 


EMAnX  by  EVELTX  UnoBiLL,  may  be 
to  all  jaded  reader*  of  purpoaeJeaa,  ill- 


Literary  Note. 

THE  prospectus  reaches  ua  of  a  new  paper  to  be  called 
•jx-rti.  The  other  two  divisions,  the  liars  and  the 
:-•«,  have  always  had  plenty  of  r;  presentative  organs. 


FEBRUARY  L'7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


L48 


CHARIVARIA. 

A  RKCENT  demonstration  of  a  French 
invention  has  proved  the  possibility  of 
running  trains  in  our  streets.  \Vo 
must  confess  that  we  aiv  not.  astonished 
that  our  birth-rate  should  be  constantly 
falling.  \Vecau  well  uudrrstainl  timid 

j pie  being  afraid  to  be  born  in  these 

days. 


The  First  LordV 
admission  that  on 
the  13th  inst.  then' 
was  only  one  effec- 
tive battleship  in 
home  waters  leads 
one  to  doubt,  after 
all,  the  wisdom  of 
Laying  up  the  L.C.C. 
Heel  in  winter. 


by  without  noticing  it.  AVe  therefore 
take  off  our  huts  to  The  Dnili/  Cln-auirli; 
which  published  a  leader  the  other  day 
in  favour  of  Patriotism,  thereby  risking 
the  withdrawal  of  the  support  of  many 
of  its  admirers. 


The  public  having  shown  a  fondness 
for  dialect  novels,  The  Daily  News  is 


Doubts    continue  to  lie  expressed   as  to 

the    authenticity    of    the    recently    dis- 
covered    portrait    of    RIHKSPKARK.       Mr. 
HAM,   ('MM:   does  not  consider   it 
good-looking  enough. 


dis- 

Itr. 

half 


To  the  delight  of 
everyone  who  is 
bored  by  the  Thaw 
trial  the  difference* 
between  Mr.  THAW'S 
counsel  have  been 
settled  without  a  re- 
ference to  the  Hague 
Tribunal. 

It  is  again  ru- 
moured, by  the 
Wjty,  that  Tin'  l>nUij 
Mail  is  about  to 
amalgamate  with 
Tin-  Police  AVir.s' 
and  to  adopt  the 
title  of  the  latter. 


A  report  is  going 
about  (said  to  be 
traceable  to  M  r. 
/ANtiwiu.)  that  the 
(lovcrmnetit's  pro- 
posals for  the  re- 
form of  the  House 
of  Lords  will  in- 
clude the  assign- 
ment of  a  large 
number  of  seats  to 
the  Suffragettes. 
The  only  alternative 
to  this  concession 
would  have  been  to 
build  special  Suf- 


Although  the  attack  by  Mr.  KU\VI.\M> 
HUNT  on  Mr.  BALFOUR  caused  consider- 
able annoyance  in  official  Unionist 
circles,  the  offend- 
ing member  is  not 
to  receive  attention 
from  the  Party 
whips. 


We  cannot  help 
thinking  that  many 
of  those  ratepayers 
who  are  taking  ex- 
ception to  the  pro- 
vision of  luxuries  in 
workhouses  are  ill- 
advised,  for  there 
can  be  little  doubt 
that,  if  the  L.C.C. 
goes  on  with  its  pre- 
sent game,  all  of  us 
who  are  not  of  the 
so-called  labouring 
!  classes  will  be 
1  bound  to  go  there 
'  one  day. 

HACKENSCHMIDT, 
the  wrestler,  was 
summoned  at  the 
Brentford  Police 
Court  last  week  for 
detaining  a  geyser 
belonging  to  the 
Brentford  Gas  Com- 
pany. He  did  not 
appear,  and  an 
order  was  made 
tliat  he  should  give 
it  up.  Some  anxiety 
is  expressed  lest  he 
should  refuse  to. 


Impatient   Golfer  (to  opponent,  wJio  has  Jtad  sltocking  luck  all  tlie  morning). 

OLD   MAN,   1   WANT   MY   LUNCH.      WHERE   ARE   YOU   NOW?" 
Outpatient.    "IN   A  HOLE   MADE   BY  A  WOMAN'S  HEEL." 

I.  O.  "WELL,  GO  ON,  KNOCK  IT  OUT!    Tins  is  NO  TIME  FOB  SENTIUEXT!" 


•BUCK  UP, 


fragettes'  wings  to  our  prisons,  and  the 
present  (!o\  eminent  is  nothing  if  not 
economical 


Meanwhile  a  procession  of  the  Lords 
^weather  permitting)  in  their  robes  and 
coronets  through  the  streets  of  London 
is  talked  of.  They  are  realising  that. 
to  arouse  popular  sympathy,  modern 
methods  must  be  employed. 

Pluck  is  not  such  a  common  quality 
nowadays  that  we  can  afford  to  pass  it 


shrewdly  attempting  to  cater  for  this 
taste  in  its  columns.  "  The  Earl  of 
GRAND,"  we  gather,  is  a  Cockney  noble- 
man, for  he  was  described  by  our 
sprightly  contemporary  in  a  recent  issue 
08  a  "Lord  in  Witing." 

The  appeal  for  funds  for  Cambridge 
University,  in  order  to  place  its  function 
as  a  teaching  centre  on  a  more  satis- 
factory basis,  has  astonished  many  past 
and  present  Blues  who  had  no  idea  of 
its  deficiency  as  a  seat  of  learning. 


A  feature  of  the 
internal  decoration 
of  the  new  Old 
Bailey  is  a  fresco 
wherein  there  ap- 
pear likenesses  of 
Cardinal  VAUGHAV, 
Lord  HALSBUDY,  the 
Chief  Rabbi,  and  Archbishop  TEMPLE. 
The  fear  is  now  entertained  that  the 
presence  of  these  dignitaries  may  have  a 
regrettable  effect  in  attracting  others. 

Be  that  as  it  may,  the  arrangements 
inside  the  new  Old  Bailey  are  so  lavish 
and  comfortable  that  those  connected 
with  the  establishment  feel  confident  that 
a  better  class  of  prisoner  will  now  be 
obtained.  It  is  even  proposed  that  only 
those  of  British  birth  shall  be  allowed  to 
use  the  new  palace. 


I  UK    l.nNDON   CHAKIVAIM. 


A    FREE    FOOD    ORGY. 
.tHrum*  to  I*.  J»W»r.  •/  lA.  «•««  CoUiiaJ 
-  gates  of  the  dawn  and  the 
(WhalflW  thia  patter  implies). 

•  KIT  mouths,  and  a 
Of  patriot  mirth  in  your  ayee  ; 
Over  oceans  that,  raging  or  ripping. 

Now  hanow,  now  hearten,  the  ti. 
By  the  ana  that  are  aeven  (in  Kiruin) 
0  brother*.  I  take  it,  ye  come! 


BepraMoting  the  r^n'M**  moater 

CH  worlds  that  are  throned  on  the  wet, 
Scorched  scarlet  in  mapa  by  the  lustre 

Of  a  win  that  refuaea  to  act  ; 
From  "  Our  Lady  of  Snows,"  from  the  burning 

t  geyaer'a  ebullient  spa— 
A  prey  to  quinquennial  yearning 
come  to  confer  with  Mama  ! 

Hade  wise  by  oar  WIJBTOX  and  others 

Ye  shall  glean  an  Imperial  view 
On  the  duty  ye  owe  to  your  brothers, 

Aa  distinct'  from  their  duty  tn  you  ; 
How  the  hutds  of  the  moose  and  the  wombat 

Mint  furbish  their  arms  of  d<-f<  < 
To  assist,  at  our  call,  in  the  combat, 

And  blow  the  initial  expense. 

«haU  learn  that  your  Britain,  the  Larger, 
Kxisu  for  the  good  of  the  Leas  ; 
Any  hint  of  the  price  ye  would  charge  her 

'  liair  will  be  prompt  to  suppress; 
lie  will  ask  :  "  Is  it  fit  that  the  fetters 

Of  Lore  should  be  tarred  with  a  taint 
Of  the  manners  of  duns  with  their  debtors  ?  " 
And  airily  add  :  "  No,  it  ain't." 

0,  foQed  in  your  filial  ardour  ! 

How  fast  your  illusions  will  fail 
When  the  coat  of  an  Englishman's  larder 

Alone  is  to  count  in  the  scale  ! 
Worse  still  !  for  your  reason  will  reel  at 

This  solace  attached  to  the  snub  :— 


TV*  ore  going  to  aive  you  a  meal  at 
TV  National  Liberal  Club ! 


THE    CONFEDERATE    SPEAKS. 


Mr  mother  has  told  me  of  fields,  meadows,  and  hedges ; 
but  1  have  never  seen  them.  She  has  told  me  also  of  guns, 
and  dogs,  and  ferret*,  and  all  the  perils  of  the  warren  life ; 
bat  of  theee  I  know  nothing  too.  It  is  very  unlikely  that 
I  ever  ahall ;  for  I  am  in  love  with  my  art,  and  will  not 
abandon  it  until  I  must.  My  mother  saya  I  must  before 
very  long,  because  I  am  growing  so  fast ;  but  I  mean  to 
keep  amall.  I  ahall  eat  very  little;  I  eat  hardly  anything 
now.  I  couldn't  bear  to  change  this  wonderful  career. 

This  is  my  second  winter,  and  I  go  into  his  pocket  quite 
eaaily  atill.  Why  should  everyone  grow  big?  There  an 
dwarf  men  ;  why  not  dwarf  rabbits  ? 

My  mother  mys  that  when  I  am  toojtig  I  ahall  just  live 

"  would  not  d. 


thecLildren  laiiijhintf.  and  H.V  them  all  open-mouthed  with 
iBiaaement  and  rapture  when  he  was  pull.-. I  kicking  out  of 

Ji«.    <-mpt\    I.  it        It    WM    frril.le.      I    lay   there  -.1.1.  in-  and 
„,„,.                             Hut    it  was   all    ri«ht  when    1 

luw'rd   my  master  -                   bis  wife   that  that 

,    broth,  :                      w.>-    a    !  too,     ho 

added,  and  then  he  brought   me.  with  new 

'  I    ate    it    all. 

i«-cn  ill  - 

1  daresay  if  1  was  an  ordinary    sta«e  conjuror-   rabbit 
:    Ix-ar  old   lie,.  I'-'"!   we   do   not    dn  th ..'     I 

,-s.     There    is    all    the    differ-no-    in    the 

idea  how  many  children  I  --.'.     And   to 
i«h  ;   that    is  the  U-st  !      1   hear  them   laugh    all   t!i- 
ime.  but  I  see  them  only  for  a  minute  or  two.      'I 
mderetand  that  until  my  trick  comes  ..n     and  it  ; 

i    late   one      I    lie  all   comfortable,   although     quivering   With 

•\citemi-iit.  in  my  liasket.     1   can't  see.  l.ul  I  can 

hing.     Of  course  I  know  exactly  what  i-  happening,  although 

!  can't  see  it.     I  know  tin-  order  <>f  the  ti 

..n^  money  in  the  air,  I   say  t..   • 
Hiding   an  c^'  in  a  little  girl's  bair.      Now 

-  through   his  \»*\\;  and   so  on.      And   t!  -  the 

front    moment   when    1    hear  bin.  >    i'c\t   tuck 

shall   require  the   loan  of  a   hat.      <  'an    anyone   oblige   me 
with  a  tall   hat  '.'      As   this   is  a  rather  m   -  :- 

.  own."    They  always  laugh  at  that ;  but  < 
ittle  think  what   those  words  an  •  mcunin.,  "  I 'lack 

rabbit  in  a  basket,  and  how  my  heart  is  U-atintf. 

Then  the  trick  begins;  first  my  maMcr  takes  out  of  the 
:iat  a  f,Tc-at  bunch  of  flaps,  then  bi-nps  'hen 

Japanese  lanterns,  and  then  a  \\\^.  1  must  not  tell  \oii 
low  this  is  done,  but  I  know  ;  and  I  must  not  tell  you  how 
or  when  I  am  put  into  the  hat.  !  it  mi^ht  lead  you 

a  think  leas  of  my  master'.-  ma^ic;  but  aft. 

been  taken  out  and  they  are  all  lau^hin^'  there  is  a  mi -nt 

. .  Then  my  heart  seems  to  stand  quite  still.     When  I  , 
to  myself  I  hear  my  master  say,  "  Excuse  me.  Sir.  but  you 
carry  very  odd  things  in  your  hat.      1  thought   tin- 
was  the  last  of  them;  but  here  is  one  mor. -. "     1  cannot  see 
the  children,  but  I  know  exactly  how  they  an-  looking  while 
he  says  this — all  leaning  forward,  with  their  mouths  open  and 
their  eyea  BO  bright.     And  then  my  master  takes  hold  of  my 
ears,  pulls  me  up  with  a  swift  movement  which  hurts  a  little, 
but  I  don't  mind  (mind!),  and   waves  me  in  the  air.     How 

kick,  how  they  scream  with  delight!  "(»h  the  little 
darling!"  they  cry.  "<>h  t!  The 

How  could  I  give  this  upV  What  has  life  for  me  without 
my  art? 

Sometimes  when  we  are  performing  in  a  small  hoiiM 
where  there  is  no  platform  the  little  «irU  make  a  rush 
for  me  and  seize  me  from  my  master  and  Im-,'  me  and  kiss 
n..  I  !i..\e  Ixi-n  a  good  deal  squeezed  now  and  then;  but 
I  know  it  is  because.  I  have  done  well.  If  I  had  not 
kicked  BO  bravely  they  would  not  be  so  ea^-r  to  hold  me 
and  love  me.  It  is  homage  to  art.  Hut.  my  master  soon 


in  a  hutch  all  day  and  see 
that;   I  would  die  sooner. 


It  is 


But  I 


to    d: 


What  sort  of  a  life  do  you  think  I  should  have  if  I  could 
not  help  my  master,  but  kntv  that  another  tint  /»-.';- in.,  him 
imitfadt  That  would  be  the  terrible  part.  One*  it  happened 


I  was  ill  and  my  brother  went 
suffered  agonies  all  the  evening.     I 


takes  mo    from    them  and   put-  me   in   m\ 
am  afraid  be  has  rather  a  j.-.ilous  disposition. 


One  of  our  New  Ruler*  of  the  Transvaal. 

WK.  fought  till  KIIIIIKH'S  pov. 
We  solved  a  prolilem  hard  I 

.11  our  ri- 
ll ere  comes  the  nin  of  SMUTS  ! 


••Age  cannot  wither  her." 
"  OIBL  wanted,  smart,  about  71,  fur  housework." 

(Jlasgme  Krcmwj  ' 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  27,  1907. 


FOE  THIS  BELIEF  NO  THANKS. 

Mii.  U.  M-KKNXA  (tlie  good  fairy).  "MY  POOR  SUFFERER,  I  AM  COME  TO  FREE  YOU  FROM  YOUR  FETTERS!" 
Dn.  CLIFFORD  (stltt  passively  resisting).  "  OH,  DON'T  SAY  THAT !    I  DO  SO  LOVE  BEING  A  MARTYR." 
[It  is  stated  that  the  new  Minister  of  Education  is  to  introduce  a  Bill  that  will  remedy  the  grievance  of  the  Passive  Register.] 


FKIIIM- Miv  L'T,  1007.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


140 


7 


no*tens.  "On,  PROFESSOR,  HAVEN'T  YOU  BRorrniT  YOUR  WIFE?" 
"THERE!     I  jc.vjfii'  I'D  FOR-JOTTKS  .SOMETHING!" 


LOVE'S  MEDIUM'S  LOST. 

[By  disrfivering  that   liiiftcria  nlKiiind    in  lilottim,'-|>ails,   The   Tsineet 
has  broken  yet  another  of  the  few  remaining  links  lietweeii  sauitary- 

Illillded    Invent.] 

I  >OKA,  when  (lie  leech  was  less  in  fashion, 
I  >ou  I  >t  less  you  recall  how  we  two  mugs 

Nursed  our  not  ineligible  passion 
I  >n  contagions  tears  and  septic  hugs. 

Crude  those  raptures  doubtless  were,  yet  heartfelt; 

Still  \\c  gave  them  up,  when  first  my  suits 
Fostered  ntin-iHwri,  and  your  smart  felt 

Toques  contained  a  depot  for  the  Itrntes. 

\Ve  decided  on  the  handshake     chilly, 
Yet  approved  till  then  by  scientists  — 

Meeting,  as  we  murmured,  "  'Ware  bacilli ! " 
\Yith  a  top-speed  clutch  of  tender  fists. 

Then  the  hand  became  diphtheria's  hot-house; 

Those  who  took  its  palm  deserved  their  doom  ; 
That  reduced  us  to  "Hullo!"  or  "  DOT,  how's 

Life  with  you?" — we  dared  not  cross  the  room. 

Liter,  doctors  after  much  disputing 

Proved  how  mutual  mnrhi  hopped  at  sight  ; 

So  we  parted,'!  to  Upper  Tooting, 

You  to  Brixtou.  saying,  "  Dearest,  write  !  " 

S.  1  did,  till  reading  lately,  "Think  well! 
Danger  hides  in  these  unwholesome  fads; 


I 'mud  bacteria,  prancing  round  the  ink-well, 
I'reeu  their  plumage  in  absorbent  pads." 

Thus  did  Science,  smashing  every  scheme  laid 
To  connect  the  hearts  of  lovers  true, 

Find  tuberculosis  in  our  cream-laid 

Correspondence     and  we  stopped  that  too. 

Oft  I  've  dreamed  of  sending  birda,  sav  swallows 
(Which  are  cheap)  to  twitter  of  my  We; 

Yet  the  microbe  (who  knows  where  he  wallows  ?) 
May  infest  the  beaks  of  the  above. 

Can  MARCONI  save  us  from  the  fever  ? 

While  1  wafted  airy  songs,  the  germ 
Might  come  floating  in  through  the  receiver 

(Is  receiver,  though,  the  wireless  term  ?) 

One  means  only  offers  us  a  few  tricks, 
Madly  though  the  sehieomyeete  raves  ; 

Telepathic  thought's  no  typhus-nutrix  — 
Darling,  let  us  meet  in  mental  waves. 


"  '  How  olil  arf  you?"  asked  Judge  Enr.E  of  a  plaintiff  at  the  Lambeth 
County  Court.  'Twenty-,  .ne.  Sir,'  was  the  reply.  'How  long  have  yon 
lieen  in  business ? '  'About  eighteen  years,  Sir.'  'Began  when  you 
«civ  three  years  old,  then,'  Judge  I-'.M.K  remarked." 

»         JJti/ly  Exiiremt  ("  World's  Happenings.") 

WK  have  worked  the  sum  out  on  paper  and  are  in  a 
position  to  corroborate  the  result  of  His  Honour's  remarkable 
mental  calculation. 


u  ' 


]'!  \(  II.    nn   THK    LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Kraut  ART  L'7,  1907. 


A  TRAP  FOR  COUNTRY  MICE. 
MB  Pinna's  UmmmKiniT  Gon 


" 

»  no  ra 

-. 
.•••.. 

• 


a  judicious  ml.-.  the  -t'l.i.-nt*  are 
••I   to   taut.'    tli.-    .li-hc-.    they    have 


nnooctol, 
•.van  I 

..i.l.     Aa  a 


tn 


HAVDBOOJB 

••mlt-r  lir.-t 
this   humane  am) 


The  (Juildhall  School,  OS  ifl  well 
known,  suffers  from  a  plethora  of  pupils, 
and  until  pvcntly  the  lack  of  adequate 
ao-otninodation  w.i-  .1  constant  source  of 


lcx 

anxiety  I.,  tin-  gifted    rnnci|.al.    I  »r.  \V. 
II.    Ci  vwiv.s.      Fortunately    tin-   enter 


AB  a  roii  1  1  <>i  mis  nuinane  and      .      i  vwiv.s.        oruna  n-   ener 

itened  method  of  .ilucation.  there  prise  of  tin-  l/>mlon  County  Couin-il 
mtant  demand  in  (Jn-.it.-r  Britain  came  t.i  llic  rescue,  ami  tin-  su|H-rl.ly 
~'ce8  of  pupils  train<-«l  at  tin-  r.«.iny  vacuum  trims  on  tin-  Embank- 

ment   an-    now    lialiitually     ulilis.il    for 
lemon  n   ami  class.-*,   \vitli    results   which 


:      ' 


liege  ia  also  conduct. -.1 


i--.li.im    Imt    In 


-        .  :..;.--•-        \\  i  >  I.       !  •    -  >u  I  -      v>  LI  n    u 

cipie  of  alternatm-edncati"...    an-  ei|ually    appreciated    l>y    pedestrians 
•i-onil   sti.dy    is    th.it    of    who  fn-,|iicnt  that   thoroughfare  ami   liy 


mosic  I  motoring,  a  pastime  io  \\hich  tin-  l>invtor,  passt-n  :,••!-  on   tin-   .•:••.  it    :  ,.  ti»|  .  ln:m 

waterway.     Tin-  .-omluctors.  it  i- 
leas  to  add,  are  now  exclusively  supplied 


a.l- 
one 


•  •«*•».    I   f*w*r+vf  (tt^ ,  ••   f  •*  will  II  I*.     |«r    IV  1*  II    II     1111       1   'III 

to  universal  tlmi  you  seldom  Sir  Hi  BERT  PAUBT,  is  passionately 

n  a  sandwirhmon  who  has  not   d.ct.il.     It  may  not  be  known  that  on,,  lews  to  ad, I.  an-  no.. 
n  bnnd  on  his  hat.     Hut  a  reaction  islof  his  earliest  efforts  was  a   mosterlv   l.v  the  ( Juildhall  Sin..!. 
already  obaervnl-lc. 
within  the  Ust 
lew  years  more  than 
one  of  our  leading 
concert  halls 
l«-ii     turned     int.. 
•       :    •  •-  : 

project  is  even  nmv 
on  foot  lor  filling 
(ho    arena   of 
Albert    Hall     from 
the    Hound     Pond 
and    converting 
into  an  annexe 
the  Rah  Club. 


it 
of 


XXXV 

Tl,e   .Vu»rV    Wool* 
of  London. 

Still  London  re- 
munaa  neat  of  song. 
and  a  visit  t. 
or  all  of  the  thr.-. 
great  musical 
schools—  the  Royal 
Academy  of  liuair 
in  Tenterden  Street, 
the  Royal  College 
in  Kensington  Gore, 
and  the  Guildhall 
School  on  the 


XXXVI. 

Hint    / 


OUR  UNTKUSTWOUTHY  ARTIST  IN  LONDON. 
QTIDUII  or  THE  <ii  IIMUII.  S.-IU>OL  or  Mosic  IUTIXO  A  Ifounco  LEMOS  n 

AH    L.C.C.  T«A«-CAB   OS   TBB 


Embankment  —  will   amply   repay  the  setting  ,,f    Baoimwo'fl    beautiful    lyric 

"   ''  '" 


,"  and  of  l,iH  larger 


...      _,      .  •  y»  •/';««   i  ««r»,     am  i   01   ins   larger 

:e  just  now  of  the  competition  works    none     has    attained     a    greater 

I  mostc  and  gastronomy,  and  it  i*  on  a  celebrity  than  his  "  l&ett  /'airo/Sir*n»," 

ractioal  recognition  of  this  fart  that  d.ili.-.t.-d  to  Master  PKTKR  PANHAHD  and 

aujm    MjuuniK   bases   the  Madame  DiiJiLEa.    Sir  Ciuaua  STAMFORD 

I  the  Royal  Academy  of  shares  hischiefs  enthusiasm  for  the  int.-r 

HeaJwing  that  at  any  moment  nal  combustion  engine,  and  has  n-cemly 

eofbariDonTmayyieldtothase  purchased  one  of  the  m-w  l!,,,auli  road 

of  appetite,  he  and  his  staff  lay  th.-m-  inoU*-trains,  on  which  he  travels  every 

•••:,' 

l!?C^!2:-00lnbl^I?J_,I>Lu,?  Cba?t  Wilh    l>riluv   °OMOrt   Itoad.    '"   <>"    niinKK-1 
highcaJjnarybranini  delight  and  consternation  of  the  , 


with 

• 
- 

i 


p  *-«^f»»  »«avc    iTirimii  i  lull 

Tocalism.     S.  t,,,   Kensington  GOP 

— • .  .iiii   ,1     11 


attending 


it 


Scot, 


••-O"*"*  v^wv.      &4VW1    |IU|'II   .lll.MMI  Illg 

Inch  are  the  Hoyal  Collpge  must  bring  a  knife  ami 
the  mpemsion  of  tttief  tunini;  fork. amotorcoat.apairof  goggle* 
»*•»«-  «~i^n«^«-  ...  of  I,, |, Heating  oil.  At  thVlbit 

operatic  i«-rfonnam-.-  the  work  chosen  was 
Boer's  beautiful  .!»/..  c,,,-,,,,-,,,  ;,,  \vhi.-h 
the  pet  rAI«  amongst  .11,  ge 


—  , 

_  attaches  gnat  hnportance 
•oerjr,    and    the    Tenterden 

<Jake  Waft  i*  always  a  welcome  feature 

. 


.  •     yv*     wave     luiHiugni     lioyai     I  oil.- 

In  aooordancc  students  is  of  course  that  of 


When  the  pupils 
of   tin-   M-hool-i   ami 
ncademiea  just  ile- 
i-rilMil     have     com 
|.|ele,l    their   uluea 
lion,  they  go  off  to 
•J.-rmaiiy.      Kr.im-e. 
Italy,    America  ami 
Australia  to  display 
their    talents,    thus 
j  ••  iii-ly    leaving 
tin-     homo    market 

Different  ilistr 
1/imlon,  as    \\ 
marke.l  in  a  former 
chapter,     an-     fn-- 

i|ilent.-<l  liyilifferent 
nat  ional  it  ies.  the 
l;u--iaii  ,-oloin 
fially  affecting  the 
ncighlKiurhood  of 
the  '  Hall. 

when-  Mr.  1  h:\ia  .1. 
\V»-ii  i.  when  not  at- 
temlingthe  sessions 
of  the  Idiiiia,  • 
gen.-roii>Iy    f.ir    the- 


f^'   «••    "•-'«   -"_>        i-'i        »m 

tasteaof  his  Muscovite  clientele.  No  on.- 
cantravereeGreat  I'ortlaml  Street  without 
noticing  the  cajiillary  il.-velopment  of  the 
inhabitants  of  that  thoroughfare,  or  the 
numlx-r  of  shops  ile\otc,|  to  the  silc  (,f 
caviare,  v.nlka  ami  other  1,'us-iaii  comli- 

Aml  while  our  country  ( 
I  .luring  this.Aoii,-   neighlxmrhood 
!ioiil.|  not  fail  to  \isit  the  U'IIII./.T- 
_:'iii>-ti    which 

I    oil   the    lta.selne|it   of    the   (,>mvll's 

Hall,  when-  pn»ligies  of  all  IM.-.-S  ami 
all  ag.-s.  from  f,,nr  to  f.irtv.  an-  in- 
strtii-li-.l  l,y  Profess,  ,r  0KB  ia  th.-  art 
of  .Icfying  the  ravages  of  time.  II.  n 


V"«  n.  ,,|S 


,,f  nine- 


- 
-umptiiously  arniye.1  in  \.-lv.-t 

suits  with  lace  collars,  j.laying  with 
trnmlling  hoop-,  or  .lischarging 

l«.pguns    uiih    tl,,.     moat    abj.vt    ami 

infantile  iioiiehalai.. 


27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


151 


IN  THE  POLICE  COURTS,   1910. 

AT  the  Westminster  Police  Court. 
M  MM  i\  CuiTKK,  aeronaut  to  the  Marquis 
of  SIIKM>AI.E,  surrendered  to  his  hail. 
The  prosecution  \vas  instituted  under 
the  fith  section  of  the  Act  of  last  year, 
and  the  accused  was  charged  with 
having  wantonly,  and  to  tlic  incon- 
Yenieiice  of  divers  persons,  discharged 
gas  from  the  Balloon  No.  2358  L.  It 
was  proved  that  on  Juno  15  the  prisoner 
set  down  the  Marquis  on  the  Terrace 
outside  the  House  of  Lords.  The  con- 
stable on  duty  then  requested  him  to 
move  higher  up,  but  he  refused  and 
threw  open  the  valve  of  his  balloon. 
The  House  of  Commons  was  invaded  by 
an  enormous  volume  of  gas,  and  as  four 
Irish  Members  happened  to  be  speaking 
at  the  time  a  horrible  explosion  was 
averted  by  the  merest  accident. 

The  Magistrate  said  that  competition 
of  this  kind  was  perfectly  intolerable. 
He  fined  the  prisoner  ten  pounds,  and 
directed  the  conviction  to  be  endorsed 
on  his  licence. 

JAMES  BRISTOWE  was  charged  before 
Mr.  PLOWDEX  with  negligence  in  the 
management  of  his  balloon.  There 
was  a  second  charge  of  drunkenness, 
but  it  was  withdrawn,  as  the  police 
admitted  that  the  prisoner  had  only 
been  "  slightly  elevated." 

DANIEL  MURPHY  deposed  that  on 
Wednesday  evening  he  and  his  wife  were 
engaged  in  an  argument  in  the  middle 
of  the  road.  The  prisoner  was  drifting 
past  on  his  way  to  deliver  a  batch  of 
evening  papers.  Moved  by  curiosity  he 
lowered  his  balloon,  and  the  grapnel 
became  entangled-  in  Mrs.  MURPHY'S 
clothing,  so  that  she  was  raised  into  the 
air  and  carried  off. 

The  Prisoner.  Was  she  beating  you 
when  I  arrived '! 

Murphy.  Yes. 

The  Prisoner.  Did  I  bring  her  back 
to  you,  absolutely  uninjured? 

Murphy.  Ye  did,  bad  cess  to  ye  ! 

Mr.  PLOWDEN  said  that  the  prisoner's 
cross-examination  had  disclosed  a  terrible 
state  of  things.  The  prisoner  was  an 
inhuman  monster,  and  penal  servitude 
was  the  only  punishment  for  such  refined 
cruelty.  Unfortunately  nothing  could 
compensate  Mr.  MUKPHY  for  the  restora- 
tion of  his  spouse.  The  prisoner  must 
go  to  gaol  for  six  months. 

ARTHUR  BEGGS  was  summoned  by 
.Miss  PHISCILLA  HAVEXWORST  for  having 
attempted  by  fraud  to  extort  more  than 
his  legal  fare.  On  Wednesday  afternoon 
the  prosecntrix  engaged  the  prisoner  to 
drive  her  in  his  taximeter  aeroplane 
from  Queen's  Road,  Bayswater,  to  the 
House  of  Commons.  At  the  end  of  the 
journey  lie  demanded  ten  shillings. 
When  the  lady  protested,  he  pointed  to 


' 


THE    NEW    ACT. 

First  Second  Horseman.  "  I  wisn  I  WAS  DOT  OF  THIS  ! " 

Second  S.  II.  (Irish).  "  BEDAD,  YE  WON'T  BE  LONG  !     AND   IT  's  A  POUND  A  WEEK  FOE  LIKE  IF 
YE 'RE  KILT!  " 


the  dial  of  his  taximeter,  which  registered 
ten  miles.  It  was  ascertained  that  the 
prisoner  had  risen  great  heights  into  the 
air  while  crossing  Hyde  Park,  and  thus 
had  deliberately  increased  the  mileage 
on  the  register.  Mr.  PLOWDEN  said  that 
it  was  a  bad  case  of  fraud.  The  prisoner 
said  he  intended  no  harm.  He  was  only 
"  taking  a  rise  out  of  the  lady." 

Mr.  Plowden.  That's  as  aeroplain  as 
can  be.  (Law/liter.) 

Proseeutrix.  He  kept  me  late  for  my 
appointment.  It  was  most  annoying. 
All  the  arrests  were  over  when  I  arrived, 
and  while  my  colleagues  are  in  Holloway 
I  am  by  this  man's  action  obliged  to 
remain  at  liberty. 


Mr.  Plowden.  You  have  no  vote  as  yet? 

Proseeutrix.  No. 

Mr.  Plowden.  Discharge  the  prisoner. 
As  one  of  the  parties  has  no  vote  in 
making  the  laws,  I,  as  magistrate 
appointed  under  the  laws,  have  no 
jurisdiction. 

WRITING  of  the  hansom  cabman,  SIGMA 
in  the  Daily  Chronicle  says : — 

"  He  is  at  least  a  living  being,  and  will  keep 
hia  dashing  vitality  as  long  as  he  has  a  box  to 
sit  on ;  while  the  chauffeur,  who  is  to  supplant 
him,  has  about  as  much  animation  as  a  screw- 
driver." 

On  the  other  hand  the  hansom  cabman 
often  is  a  screw-driver. 


OK    TIIK    l.nMioN    CHARIVARI. 


1907. 


BEHIND    THE 

to  ** 


POSTS. 

"  .I'll,. 


(•atcr- 

our  P 


Ponuun*  BT  ot«  KOOTOUJ. 

act. 

ten-Two   teania  an 
gaged  to-day,  ami  I 
reaulu    may    br    confii! 
looked  fur.      FurthoniK 
ia  not  too  much 

-    :  -     -    ' 

!•:.-' 

the  League  Tablea. 

Should    \V,..lwich    Cnmlui       Woolwich    Cnoks    d 

r  laat  acoaon'a  vie-  ilu>  fulleM   |<— .idle  <  n.|it  fur 

tory  over  lilack burn  U..-I.TS  their  (in.-  win.  a  n-Mii' 

they  will  not   b>-  mining  a  gratifying  in  \ie.vof  what  we 

;,  Kl.  iv. 


High  Feakabooa,  almost 
wouden-opooniftU,  may  not 
win  UMlay,  wring  that  they 
have  to  meet  "ague 

leadm  on  the  latter'*  ground. 
More  we  cannot  aay. 


High     I'.-ak.ll.oS     failed      to 

win,     lint     nevertheless     they 
:  ir  their  credit 

able  draw.  \Ve  |>lainly  liinN-d 
at  aome  such  result  in  unr 
remai  lav. 


In  the  Wai  IVrl.y  U-tween  It  i.-  indeed  as  w.-  ma\ 
^tuff^M  Split  and  Sheffield  have  i.  -ni.uk.  -.1  U-forc  —  the 
Monday  AfiatBOOn,  anything  une\pivted  tli.it  always  !i.i|. 


may  bappen     nor  should 
b0  aatonuhcd  if  it  diit. 


pen-  in  footUdl.  ami.  Iml  for 
our  warning,  few  would  have 
anticipated  the  victory  of 
Shellield  Split  I  iv  one  goal  to 
nil. 


In  their  l.i-t  m.itch  with 
Mill". ill  i..i..|.  it  will  \--  re 
e.illcd.  \\\>t  Ham  Sandwich 
•craped  a  narrow  vk-tory  by 
one  goal  The  margin  may 
not  be  quite  ao  mucli  to-day. 


The  Mirprihc  of  the  day  wa> 
ondoobtedly  the  victory  of 
Millwall  (iaol  over  \\'iT.t  Hani 
Sandwich  by  fonrtivn  go;iL>  to 
one.  Si.iii-iic<.  however,  are 
:  In. illy  uncertain  ;  ami 
the  truth  is  that  the  Sand- 
\vii-lniK-n  struggled  inniifnlly 

against   an   unoaually   brilliant   <l.  I    :,t    intenrala 

exhibited    quit*  atiix-rior  j.hiy.     The  ref.  r.-e.   who-n- 
apectadca    attrac-t^l    univer^d    noticr.    \\i\t,    olivion^ly    ill- 
adrued  in  awarding  fcmhvnnhtee  to  Mill  wall  (in.il.all  of 
which   provided   lut-ky   g.«U.      Taking   this   fact   into  con- 
atdention  the  aoore  at  hjilf-tii 
the  avenge  level  of  the  play. 


Kulham   Arrowa,  who  are 
making   ao    bold  a   bid    for 
the  Southern   League  Chan, 
pionahip,  may  go  far  to-day. 
At  any  rate  they  will  take  a 


Fulhain  Arrows  werv  |>alpa- 
lily  at  a  dihadvantage  (iwing 
to  ill-  ••!.•  |.|.i\.  K 

that     w-.irc.lv    i-\|.lains     th.-ir 
defeat    by     ten    goal,    to    ml 
c.-rt.iitily    did 
Like  a  I  ng. 

•luunptun  Cubblera  are      The  Coltbli-n.  i.nl.-l  again; 
atrnggling     divpctmtdy     for  but  what  dacmuM 
poiaU,  and  it  remainn  to  IK*  of  »urh  a  tan,'      We  need 
ana  whether  they  will  g.-i  any  aoaroely  add  that  they  again 
to-day.      At  any  nf  •  lie  minimum  pointa. 

acutely  powble that  tlu-y  will 
obtain   fewer  poiiiU   thin 


Should   a    d 

-iich  line  defensive 
tennis  as  Plymouth  Aberdeen 
and  Holt'  :  |iot' 


on    the 
will  be 


that    no 


The  fact  that  Hottantotapon 

i'liil     to     I.  leak    th«- 
.stron.  if    riyminith 

AlM-rdet-n     an-l  i    goal 

lar^i  1>    due    to   th. 
that     the     l.itti  r  -    puli. 
mi  t    .....  re  than    his  m  ilch   for 
ri\inoiiih  AI»T- 
ileen  '      in      a 

penalty     the     i  draw 

ii"    Mirprix-     not 
to  UK,  at  any  i 


Lost  year,  il  will  IM-  remelil- 
I'ncliciaCB 

la  li\  -CM  n  goals 
to  oii>',  and  in  the  carl 
of  tin  -.-.ison  the  latter 
triiiiii|ihcd  over  thi-ir  lormer 
victors  by  an  exactly  himilar 
h  i~.  therefore.  i|iiiti> 
pomibl<-  that  either  team 
may  win  by  an  appnmblt 
margin  tc-clay.  


A    line   match,  full  of 
play,    was    s<vn     II.IXM.II    the 

Ducbeaaea    and    tl,- 

The  latter  ><  •.  .red  the  winning 
;i-.-m    a    1'i'iialty   jn 

time,  thus  abundantly  juatify- 
ing  our  predictions. 


THE  WISDOM  OF  THE  BLACK  FRIAR. 

OF  i  •  i"V. 

I.     <  IK  HIM   nur  TM  KKITI. 

IF   thou    art    the  talker,  oh    my   xm.   i  that    the 

true  aim  of  conversation  is  the  revi-aling  of  all  thy  innei 
thoughts   and    the  making    of    thy    soul    intd!  the 

many.     Talk  much,  therefore,  and  long,  and  li-t  th\  - 
U-  aUnit  thyself  for  the  most  ]iart. 

If    any    man    intfrrii]>tcth    thy    .spi-ech.     rai-.'    thy    I 
-lightly   and    keep    thine    eye    averted.      If    that     other    slill 
har.is.seth    tint-    with   vain    interruption.-.     !»•    -lire   that    any 
interruptions   of   thy   spei-ch   are   vain)   r.iise   thy   \oice  r-till 
mon-.      If    thy   voice  IK'    tin:   louder  thou    r.liall    jircvail.    Imt 
if  Ilis  voice  overcometh  thine  thou  shall  shrug  thy  shonl 
as  ln'ing  one  of  the  gentler  sort  and   unalil''  to  strive  with 
them  that  are  rough  and  rude. 

Talk   for  thine   own   plca-ure.      If  a  remii. 
tins-,  spare   not    the   theme   but    tell   il    at    length.     Cut    not 
irrelevant   details    and    familiar    platitudes    out    of    th\ 
course,   for   know   this  well,  that   if    thou    slioiildiM    confine 
thyself  to  topics   that    are   liolh   novel   and   interisting    thou 
wtiuldot  by  no  nu-iins  lx-  able  to  do  all  the  talking  tl: 

Tell  me  a  thing  that  is  more  iioi-oinc  than  tl 

II.     OK  HIM   HIM   nun   i» 

If    it    In-    thy    misfortune    to    be    the    listener,    remember 
ili.it    the  Irue  aim  of  conversation  i,  the  Interchange  "I  I 

Make  it   thy  business   that    il    tlnr<     i  :  • 

any  rite  enough  of  Interclian. 

For  tin-  piiipi..-e  note  the  man  that  would  -|  e.ik  .il 
and  if    In-  •  n    li.r    ll.  •!    -.-,•    that   he 

!»•   inieriupti^l.      Hy  whom   .-liould    lie   !"•    belt   r  inierrupied 
than  by  thyself?     Nay.  i  \en    it    :  not    at    .ill   I.e  ma\ 

ilhi-li-Mi    be    interrupted.      Thou    m:i\c.-t    ha\e    no    mind. 
but  hast  not  thou  a  tongue  and  .1  |  .or  "I    lung-  ''      1 
my  child,  with  as-iduily. 

When     he    that     talkelh     ntterith    an    opinion,    say    xnltn 
voee   iwhieh,    U-ing  interpi.  .  loud   that   he 

ill    thee   a-    it    were    uninti'iided  .   "  I'm!     |H-|IO|I|,    i 
Imt    a   youth,      or       I '•   •    i  "iidemn    him   not   ol    I-  ll\.  lor   he 
•Id  man  and  t'>  IK'  e\ci, 

II   In'  lalxmreth  In-  opinion  with   grc-at  detail  and    , 


FEBRUARY  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


153 


Caller.   "So   SOIIKY   TO  HEAR   OF  IOUB   MoTOB  ACCIDENT." 

Knthusiaslic  Motorist.  "On,  THANKS,  IT'S  NOTHING.    EXFEOT  TO  LIVE  THROUGH  MANY  MORE." 
Caller.  "  OH,  BUT  I  TRUST  NOT  !  " 


a  doubt  the  truth  of  his  assertion,  answer  with  the 
;iir  of  a  friend  who  would  concede  everything  to  him 
Iml  is  withheld  by  too  nice  a  regard  for  the  truth: — "Yea, 
tliciv  may  he  something  in  what  thou  sayest." 

Finally,  in  all  thy  conversation  remember  this  if  thou 
wouldeet  be  one  of  thy  own  generation  :  Thou  shalt  talk  thy- 
self, but  other  men  shall  only  remark  yea  or  nay,  and  that 
not  too  often  lest  they  become  garrulous. 

OF  MOTOR-OMNIBUSES. 

If  by  a  combination  of  circumstances  thou  shalt  overtake  a 
motor-omnibus  that  is  broken  down,  regard  it  as  a  personal 
triumph  of  thine  own.  Smile  knowingly  at  the  driver  of  thy 
horse-omnibus  and  say  to  him,  as  one  that  shareth  a  griev- 
ance : — "  Lo,  doth  it  not  serve  them  aright  ?  " 

Let  it  not  weigh  with  thee  that  on  ninety-nine  occasions  out 
of  a  hundred  thou  dost  take  a  motor  omnibus  thyself,  and  on 
the  hundredth  dost  only  refrain  because  there  is  no  motor- 
omnibus  at  hand  to  take. 

i  M    KIMTORS. 

My  friends,  be  Editors  what  they  may,  it  is  expedient 
that  he  that  writeth  aught  should  keep  in  their  good  books. 
Therefore,  what  I  think  of  Editors  I  will  tell  thee  another 
time,  and  that  in  thy  private  ear. 


TOBY  r.  LION. 

[Major  POWELL-COTTON  was  protected  from  the  assault  of  aii  infuriated 
lion  in  Central  Africa  by  a  copy  of  Punch,  which  is  said  to  have  afforded 
protection  to  his  abdomen.] 

THE  wounded  lion  with  a  lusty  roar 
Advanced  to  drink  the  gallant  Major's  gore  ; 
But  suffered  great  confusion  when  he  felt 
An  unexpected  Punch  below  the  belt. 

Sportsjnen  !  herein  I  find  a  happy  omen 
Good  for  the  deadly  need  of  your  abdomen. 
Would  you  defy  the  foe  upon  his  treks, 
Wear  Punch  for  armour,  Punch  for  aes  triplex. 

ACCORDING  to  the  Manchester  Guardian,  Mr.  ASQUITH  recently 
said : 

"  If  after  declarations  of  that  kind  my  right  hon.  friend  or  any  of  us 
were,  because  of  these  clumsy  taunts  about  Home  Rule,  to  recede  from 
the  position  we  then  took  up,  to  fold  our  anna,  and  try  to  put  the  Home 
Rule  question  on  the  sltelf — and  there  is  no  more  difficult  operation  on 
earth — etc.,  etc.  (Ministerial  cheers)." 

It  really  sounds  quite  difficult. 

A    Generous    Offer. 

"MoiOR  BOAT.    8  h. p.,  carry  8.    Will  sacrifice  immediate  purchaser." 


IT.NVH.    "i:    TIIK    I."M>"N    CHARIVARI. 


~    I1."  i7. 


A   THIRST    FOR     -INFORMATION. 

Omr  Koeial  Kr/ormrr.  "  WlUT    WE    WATT.    MT    FIIEXDO,    KE    LEM    OTEE-CBOWDED    BLCiM.    UBOU    VIIJMUE*,   MOIE    PLEASURE    FOB    TIIE 
WOMLEM.  AM   LEW  M 

I  IX.   Sit,   KT   'OW   4H  WE  TO  *ATE   MOKE   rtEAOTEE  If  WE   'AS  IJM  BEE»?" 


Ah  ' 
TO  THE  ELECTORS  OF  LONltoN!       j 

Ir  yon  have  made  up  your  mind  how  grossives  and  the  Moderates  consist  of  a 
you  are  going  to  vote,  be  Progressive  delightful    mixture    of     Expert     I.i.n-. 
in  making   your  way  to    the    polling    HobU-rs,      Children-blinders,       Faked 
booth,  but —  At  count-manufacturers,     V. 

Be  Moderate  in  the  number  of   XV   Trumped  -  up  -  Scandal  -  mongers,     and 
you  make  or  you  will  spoil  your  card.       Greedy    Electric-Trust   Magnates,    then 

Remember  that  if  the  Moderates  secure  we  advise  you 
a  majority  on  the  new  Council  the  Pro- 

DOT  TO  VOTE  AT  ALL! 


greativea  will  he  rrry  angry. 

Yon  wouldn't  like  to  meet  a  very 
angry  Progreaaive,  now  would  you  ? 

Well  then  ! 

If,  bowerer,  the  Moderates  don't  win, 
they  will  certainly  be  frightfully  sick  ! 

Ion  wouldn't  care  to  aee  a  frightfully 
nick  Moderate,  would  you? 

Ofcounenot! 

If  you  read  half  the  things  you 
believe—  I  mean  if  you  believe  half  th< 
thing*  yon  read-in  the  Yellow  Press 


For,  if  nobody  voted,  nobody  would 
get  in. 

Then  there  would  bo  no  rates. 
Which  would  be  grand  ! 


FBOM  The  Cork  Conttitut'wn'i  i 
of  the  PREMIER'S  speech : 

"  WeH.  I  hare  never  been  renr  valuable  (me) 
i  the  qnwtion  of  Free  Trade,  becauae  my 


ing*  yon 

especially 

.  . 


in  the   Pink   Portion),  you 


Again,  if  you  believe  half  the  things  j 
jad  in  fi  »*  »<*.,  you  omnot 

Bat,  supposing  you  read   both  sides 
(and  are  still  at  large),  and  bdiere  a  j 
quarter  of  the  things  you  read  ah  < 


This  makes  Mr.  BALTOUB  out  extremely 


s 

h»d  to  ratii*.    I  bid  bid  enough 
•.  the  emx*  of  food  » 

!i.-n.  mil: 
•uonrr  tli.  i-  -ht. 


The  Marriage  Market. 
SHTX 

Mi:    1'iinch    had     always     heard     the 
various  women's  weeklies  well  sp«! 

by  ladies  of  his  acquaintance,  several  of 
whom  had  assured  him  that  when  you 

ist    the    adver  you    did 

actually  find  tin-  editorial  part  in  the 
middle.  His  enthusiasm  fired  by  these 
tales,  Mr.  I'nnrh  determined  to  explore 
for  himself,  ami  BJOCOrdingly  obtained  a 
mpy  of  Tin-  ',""'''"•  When  at  last  he 
did  arrive  (as  i  travellers  had 

I  he  would '.  blushing  but  trium- 
phant, at  the  literary  matter  in-ide,  what 
was  his  horror  to  find  that  the  lir-t 
artie! 

'•  Hint*  OH  hutitimj  for  <j\rl»  icith  tmall 
•  neet." 

"  I'i>graeeful  !  "    s;iid    .\/r.   /'mir/i,  nild 
he  returned  ha.stily  to  I 

"  The  queetion  of  '  reatmeoU'  or  drew.  iln-n- 
<lc«-lnm-  . 

iiirn  in  drr««  !«•!.. n^  to  n  . 
late  iffe— the  age  •  f  H 

M 

\\'i    know    the   lattor  griitleniau    very 
w.-ll.  and   the  form  in  hat-    ^ay    that    hi-- 
-  ;    but  who  is  \\,,\. 


FKimrutY  L'7,   1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


157 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DlARV  OK  ToBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Common.*,  MmiJni/,  l-'cb.  18. 

There  are  two  things  the  House  of 
Commons  delighteth  in.  <  >nc'  is  youth  ; 
the  other  ingenuousness.  Combination 


"HEin  TO  THE  DUKEDOM  or  XOHTIIUMBEIILAXD." 

"  The  Lords  represent  the  deliberate  judg- 
ment and  opinion  of  the  country." — Karl  Percy. 

in  an  individual  is  irresistible.  Earl 
PERCY  possesses  the  dual  charm.  Exhi- 
bited to-night  with  full  effect.  Rose 
from  Front  Opposition  Bench  to  move 
official  amendment  to  Address.  It 
lamented  that  the  Government,  supposed 
to  be  entering  the  stage  with  both  hands 
full  of  s(H'ial  legislation,  should  wantonly 
turn  aside  in  pursuit  of  revolutionary 
changes  such  as  Home  Rule  and  reform 
of  1  louse  of  Lords. 

Naturally  the  heir  to  the  Dukedom  of 
Northumberland  devoted  chief  part  of 
hit  -peech  to  defence  of  House  of  Lords. 
Later  ST.  AUGUSTIXE  BiiiitKM,  put  the  case 
in  the  nutshell  of  an  epigram.  "  The 
arguments  of  gentlemen  opposite  amount 
to  this,"  he  said  ;  "  that,  whenever  the 
1-ords  threw  out  a  Liberal  measure,  there 
('light  to  be  a  General  Election.  That 
meant  annual  Parliaments  when  the 
Liberals  were  in  power;  septennial 
Parliaments  when  the  Tories  had  a 
majority  in  the  Commons." 

Earl  PiCKcY.  nothing  if  not  impartial, 
admitted  as  "  broadly  and  historically 
accurate"  the  assertion  that  the  Lords 
threw  nut  more  legislation  proposed  by 
Liberal  Governments  than  by  Conserva- 
tive Governments.  But  that  was  only 
I'ccause  they  represent  the  deliberate 
judgment  and  opinion  of  the  country. 
Ministerialists  broke  in  with  shout  of 
boisterous  laughter.  Like  his  ancestor 
at  Chevy  Chase  or  was  it  the  other 
gentleman  V  IV.urY,  though  keeping  his 


legs,  stood  "in  doleful  dumps"  regard- 
ing the  hilarious  crowd. 

What  were  they  laughing  at?  He 
had  made  his  assertion  with  the  utmost 
gravity.  Not  a  furtive  smile,  much  less 
a  wink,  suggested  sarcasm  or  irony. 
He  seriously  meant,  as  he  solemnly  said, 
that  the  House  of  Lords,  dealing  with 
legislation  submitted  to  them,  were  in 
disposing  of  it  actuated  solely  by  con 
sideration  of  the  highest  interests  of 
the  people.  That  through  a  period 
extending  with  brief  interval  over  twenty 
years  they  had  never  rejected  a  Bill 
submitted  by  a  Unionist  Government, 
and  that  in  the  first  Session  of  a  Liberal 
Ministry  they  had  wrecked  two  important 
measures  was  incontestable.  It  onlv 


proved  that  Bills  having  birth  in  Con- 
servative Cabinets  Ware  more  in  unison 
with  the  real  wishes  of  the  nation  than 
were  those  which  saw  the  light  under 
Liberal  auspices.  Q.  E.  D. 

\  delightful  speech,  marked  by  that 
hard  hitting  enjoyed  nowhere  more  than 
in  the  quarter  attacked. 

1'iialiiess  donf.  Amendment  to  Ad- 
dress, moved  from  Front  Opposition 
Bench,  negatived  by  majority  of  :_'(i.'i. 

Tuesday  nitjlit.—  Often  heard  talk  of 
Hamlet  being  played  in  absence  of 
I'riin'i'  /'/  1  >i-iiiii<irk.  Realised  to-night 
all  arrangement  means.  Question  of 
Tariff  Reform  turned  up  once  more  and, 
to  regret  of  men  in  all  parts  of  House, 
Do\  JOSK  still  tarries  in  his  sick  chamber. 


THE  STOXE-AJAX'DEFYIXU  THE  C!L.\CIE:I. 

"  I  wish  that  my  lot  had  been  east  in  a  simpler  age  ....  1  think  the  time  may  come  when 
1  shall  bo  endeavouring  to  1'iwenl  lum.  j^'iit  lemon  opposite  Ixjiug  swept  away  by  a  Protectionist 
flood." — Mr.  lliilfnur  on  lite  fiiteid  (Jttestiun,  Feb.  20. 


in 


PUNCH,  Oil  Till.   l."M"'N  CHARIVARI. 


27, 


No  nor*  striking  u  hia  strong 


g  than  was 
llew-h  sat 


oald    be  fortbannin 

on  Front  Opposition 
\»MII  u      There  are,  M  we  knov 
frtfjga  that  lie  near  heart  than 

rariff    Hrfimn.      He    raid    so    •• 

Eand.  up  t<>  the  eve  of  the  op.  n 
Season.    was    to   affected    • 

•••;••'  I:''-1 

.1  \     '  . 


mums. 


ate    Lord   CMMIIVM    wh...    with    sword 

EtlBUB 

:       '     -•  '  '•    . 

on  question   •  •( 

AliMI' 
dying     to 
almost    human. 


'     ' 
on  this  occa 

ago  declared   himself 
tut    In-    is.   after   all, 


publicly  to  recur  to  the  subject. 
Even  now,  when   brought   forward  in 

...      ••  .  .     \ 

Erao>  haring  it  mov.  >nt  Hench. 

Accordingly  it  was  left   in   charge  of 
Mr.  HILL*,  who  entered  the 
vear  as  Mcml.T  for  Durliain  City.    Mr. 
HILLS  ia,  to  tell  tin-  truth,  not  w>  uplifting 
aa  hia  name.     At  co«if.ideral>lc  length  In- 
read  a  pa  |  •  '(..mi 
anoe  Mcceeding  in  emptying  tin- 
long  before  hereach.il  his  "hiMly" 
word  more  hleawd  than  Mesopotamia. 

Thus  it  came  to  paas  that.  looking  up 
to  the  HILL*  whence  comet  1 1  <>ur  help.  ••.  . 
Tariff    Reformer*    suffen-d    di*appoint 
ment.     Gloom  of  the  Kitting  not  w  holly 
due  to  prominent  part  played  liy  M.-inU  i 
.rli.nn  City.     A*  not  infrequently 
happens,    the    piece    waa    spoiled     l>y 
the  perfonnance  being  dragged  over  tw< 
nighu.      No  one  on    either    Hide   wil! 
aaeert    possibility   of    taxing  anything 
new  on  subject.     Funeral  baked  im-.it.- 
coldly  furniah  forth  other  than  marriage 


Had    the    feast   been    limited    to 
single  sitting,  the  absence  of  nutritioi 
would  have  been  leas  marked.      Oh 
Parliamentary   instinct,  common  to  al 
Oppositions,  of  insisting  on  having  two 
or  more  night*  allotted   for  discuasioo 
of  controversial  questions  of  a  particula 
class,  prevailed.    What,  comprised  within 
of  eight  hours,  might  have  been 
rally,  a  lively  light,  became 

of  dreary  speeches  stuffei 
with  what  QaaUU,  not  having  fear  o 
Serjeant -al-Arma  in  his  mind,  calk* 
•-'.•.  l.  • 

Still,  had  debate  been  so  limit.il.  we 


•.h.iil.l    n.1  h.iM-    L.,.1  I.VXM  *M.   Ill  M 

hia  lega.    ROWULM>.  a  Unionist  beyow 
had  made  up   hia  r 


give  PfeMX  Acmm  an  Oliver  in  . 


.-  the  dreary  re|>ctition  of  familiar 
rgument  and  illustration  dripped  from 
lie  HILLS  and  elsewhere,  the  martial 
ttitude  gave  place  to  limpness  of  figure, 
ook  of  undisguised  boredom. 

Just  before  eight  o'clock  will. 
porary    resumption    of     brixkno 
rent   off  to    dinner.    Now    \va«   K"« 
...  felt   the  calls  of 
lunger,  and  weakly  rvtin-d  ;  lint   whi'ii 
iriutl  tin-  Leader**  •«**»•  empty. 
fueB  COLLISOS  waa   on  his    legs   cx- 
ilaining    that    In-    was    "still   a    Fnv 

r."   but    the   countn-,    which    had 
UHt  n'tiinntl  tin-  largi-st  muxtcr  > 
I'rnd.  :  itheriMl   at  Wostnn 

'iliil  not  enjoy  Free  Trade." 
At  LIM  VtOWLUOfs  hunt  was  successful. 

.ught  the  SrevKKlt's  eye  ami.  j.ro- 
lucing  his  notes,  went  ah<-.nl.  Just  got 
is  far  an  the  cheery  remark  that  "  the 

••-t  dr.ig  on  the  wlitvl,  the  man  who 
n-illy  diil  more  than  anylxidy  else  to 
iolil  Iwck  the  p.  .lit  \  -of  Colonial  Prefer 

was   his  esteemed   I>-.nlrr. 
.hout  of   laughter,   a    roor  of    hilarious 
•hci-ring  inu-rnipteil  him.     lyioking  up, 
be  beheld   I'liisir.  A  HUM  it   lounging  in 
from  Miind  the  SPEAKEK'B  Chair. 

I  lere  was  a  pretty  go  !  Abruptly  to 
discontinue  would  be  cowardly.  To 
vary  the  line  of  his  prepared  speech 
impossible  at  a  moment's  notice.  Only 
thing  to  do  was  to  go  straight  on 
Proceeded  to  do  so  with 


I  I  H.T.I  IM 

U.rd 

f.  .r  War    Mr. 

lary   "f   St.u.-   for   India 

Mr.  .ions   '•  ind  the  Chancellor 

f  the  Kxcheiiuer    Mr    A -..i  nil  . 

.dential    olliee. 

Ir.    Hi  livs    took    the    Chair.      The    pro 
•cd ings,  carried  on  in  private,  were  pn> 
mged.      It  i>  under.-tKid  they  will  have 
ui.-ideralileefTe.-t  upon  parishes,  metro 
xilitan  and   provincial,  with  populations 
xceeding  .'I.'«H>.     The  President  v. 
ratified    with   the   proceedings   that    lie 
[pressed  a  ho] «•  that  the  meeting  might 
iki-  place  weekly.      The  Mlgg. 
greed  to  nem.  t 

Hii*ine*t  done.-  Deceased  Wife 
r  Hill  dropp.-d  in  on  annual  visit. 
Id  stager  she  looked  very  lit. 


remark,   "  I  liave  got  myself  into  hot 

After  this  ,lirfiiiitfmtnt  of  a  good. 
struggling  in  a  pan  of  hot  water 
te  relapsed  into  dulnea*. 

n  Still  on  Address. 
Positively  but  night  but  one.  Addreat 
to  be  got  out  of  the  way  to-morrow,  am 
then,  after  lapse  of  a  week  and  a  <l:iy 


debate  relapsed 


.  :   v     i,      :      1!     . 

It's 


will 

I  I 


really    begin 
we    nave   a 


of    hia   alleged        . 

Question.     In  the  solitude 
wrote  down  a  few  nice  1 
be  proposed  to  read  to  1 
pleasant  to  rag  Commandc 

j  :•-.:...        -.  I  ;      •       : 

•any.    If  Rowun>  could 
in    whilst   PUK*   A 

would    lie 
able  all  round. 


r  long  waiting  opportunity  came. 


Daring  earlier 


night    1 

utaet 


lay    ni.jhl.     Notable    absence 
Ministers  from  Treasury  Bench . 
ally  accounted  for  by  circumstance  tha 
sitting  waa   occupied    by   business   in 
charge  of  private  M.  luU-r.     That    n 
wholly  .the  case.     Fact  is    the    Loca 
Government  Board  are  sitting  at  Whit< 
hall,  and  as  the  occurrence  ia  rare,  if  m 
••re  is  full  attendance  there 

i        •          ;.   •  '      .      ;       •     .  .     .    :       •    .     '.   • 

the  Council  (Karl  •  \> 

Seal  ("Mar.  i  u : 
of  State  for  Foreign  Affair-.  Sir  KUWARD 


T1IK    M1NSTIM.I.   Tit    HIS    M: 

\xx  \KI  .  my  stul)lK>rn  Mtisc.  awake! 

Put  off  this  nasty  attitude; 
let  up.  ami  give  yourself  a  .-hake  ; 
.•lit  and  work,  for  goodness' 
1  want  some  food. 

do  not  urge  a  heavy  claim. 

I  know  you  coy,  and  swift  to  cool, 
\nd  most  capricious;  all  the  .-ame, 
sn't  it  time  you  playi  d  the  game, 
And  not  the  fool? 

lere  I  have  themes  from  which  to  chouse, 

And  humorous  conceits  ad  lib., 
Matters,  I  say,  that  any  Muse 
'oiild  tackle  in  a  brace  of  two's ; 
And  yet  you  jil>. 

0  Muse,  for  ever  wandering  free, 

Cannot  you  keep  the  thing  in  liomuU  V 
ili-think  you  what  it  means  to  me  ; 
While  you  remain  an  absentee. 
I  'm  hieing  pounds. 

Kach  morning,  flushed  with  vain  desire 

1  hrenthe  a  j>ra\er,  and  Imekle  to; 
All  day  1  twang  a  barren  1\  re. 
And  chuck  the  pri«-.<-ds  in  the  fire 
Which  doesn't  do. 


Then  come, sweet  truant,  conn- ! 

1  ease  me  of  tliis  direful  slump. 
I  cannot  fone  \oii  if  I  would  ; 
Begad,  I  only  wish  I  could  ! 

1  'd  make  you  jump  ! 

Come  ..ut  ;  and  ere  another  day 
Hrcakn  rosily  over  yon  grave  Kast, 

•   in.    a  pi.'lit.iMi-  1.. 
Come,  gentle   V 

)'..!<  liwjly  lieiiKt  .'     In  M  Hi  M. 


•  that  it  haslM-i-n  officially announoM 
that   Mr.  JOHN   I ».    l;.«x'  meomi 

;   ••        :      nmny    i  nu 
rumour--     to     the     eoi.v  '\eeedec 

£j.(NNi.(Mi,   The    /Mi/;/  TtitynA, 
midcr-tiind,   proposes  to  proceed   witi 
its  shilling  testimonial. 


FEBRUARY  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


159 


OUR    RECTOR    RECEIVES    A    PRESENTATION. 

'MY    FlilKXlis,   Yol'It   KINDNESS   HAS   FOLLOWED   HE   THROUGHOUT   MY   SOJOURN    IN   YOUR   MIDST,   BUT  NEVER   TILL   NOW   HAS   IT  OVERTAKEN   ME!' 


FROM    THE    OTHER    SIDE. 

DEAREST  DAPIIXK, — JOSIAH  having  to 
come  here  on  a  brief  business-visit,  your 
BLANCHE  positively  elected  to  come  with 
him  and  sample  the  States.  If  JOSIAH 
ever  was  a  boy,  it  happened  here,  you 
know,  and  1  believe  his  first  fortune  was 
made  here,  though  all  the  others  were 
made  in  as  many  different  parts  of  the 
world.  He  doesn't  care  to  talk  of  his 
obscure  origin  and  early  struggles,  and 
1  'in  sure  I  've  no  curiosity  on  the  subject. 
Of  all  bores  and  horrors  the  icorst  are 
those  fearfid  boys  who  've  tramped  bare- 
foot from  somewhere,  with  only  a  half- 
penny, or  a  cent  or  something  in  their 
pockets,  and  have  begun  by  sweeping 
out  an  office  till  somebody  told  them  to 
leave  off. 

NOUTY,  who 's  been  here  and  every- 
where else,  said  to  me  before  I  started, 
"  If  you  want  a  thumb-nail  impression 
of  the  States,  Girlie,  here  it  is :  From 
the  time  you  steam  up  the  Hay,  interview 
Liberty  Enlightening  the  World  (as  to 
Trusts,  Tammany,  and  Tinned-Goods), 
and  step  ashore,  to  the  time  you  quit, 
you  seem  to  be  always  in  a  hustling 
crowd,  always  going  at  full  speed,  and 
with  bells  ringing  all  round  you." 


It  goes  without  saying  that  I  was 
received  with  open  arms  by  Society  in 
New  York  and  Washington,  and  that  I 
met  lots  of  familiar  faces. 

The  New  York  Trumpeter  had  both 
our  portraits  (JosiAii  looked  simply  most 
awful  in  his  !)  and  a  heading,  in  letters 
as  tall  as  your  finger,  "Jos  MULTIMII.T, 
revisits  the  Land  of  his  Birth  with 
Beautiful  Titled  English  Wife,  whose 
Ancestor  was  one  of  the  Barons  that 
forced  JACK  to  grant  Magna."  And  The 
Up-Town  Eavesdropper  published  an 
Interview  with  me  (entirely  invented,  my 
dear)  called  "  British  Society  Leader  airs 
her  Views  on  our  Women  and  Girls." 

I  don't  say  I  've  not  got  my  views  on 
the  subject,  but  I  '11  tell  them  to  no  one 
but  my  DAPHNE. 

This  country  is  sometimes  called  the 
Paradise  of  Women,  and  the  name  's  all 
right,  if  putting  us  always  in  front  and 
giving  us  everything,  almost  before  we 
ask  for  it,  makes  our  Paradise.  But  it 
doesn't.  In  our  hearts,  nil  we  women 
like  to  find  our  master,  and,  supposing 
we  care  for  a  man  at  all,  we  never  like 
him  so  well  as  when  he  looks  terrible 
and  shouts,  "  I  forbid  you  to  do  so  and 
so  !  "  It's  such  fun  then,  you  know,  to 
go  and  do  it !  And  that 's  a  joy  the 


American  wife  don't  know.  She  never 
gets  the  chance  to  quote  those  lovely 
words  of  CHAUCER'S,  "  Fie,  fie,  unknit 
that  something-or-other  brow." 

In  short,  Female  Columbia,  with  all 
her  vaunted  perfections,  would  be  a 
nicer  and  even  happier  person  for  an 
occasional  spanking,  and  it's  her  sub- 
consciousness  that  she  needs  it  and  will 
never  get  it  at  home  that,  in  my  opinion, 
leads  to  her  marrying  abroad  so  often. 

The  American  Woman  dresses  well 
and  spends  big  money  on  it,  but  she 's 
no  national  originality  that  way.  When 
she  's  tailor-built,  she  's  Bond  Street — 
when  she 's  fluffy  and  frilly,  she 's  Rue 
de  la  Paix  ;  and  a  translation,  you  know, 
never  has  quite  the  verve  and  force  of 
the  original.  The  Gibson  Girl  struck 
a  national  note,  perhaps,  but  it  was  a 
physical  not  a  sartorial  one — the  poise 
of  the  body,  the  swing  of  the  hips,  the 
tilt  of  the  chin,  and  the  droop  of  the 
eyelids.  Her  vogue  seems  to  me  to  be 
over.  She  doesn't  live  on  Fifth  Avenue 
now.  Poor  girl !  she  poises,  and  shrugs, 
and  tilts,  and  droops,  as  a  waitress  or  a 
store-clerk  ! 

I've  made  a  special  study  of  the 
"  buds,"  as  they  call  them  here,  girls 
who  made  their  first  appearance  at 


:•  • 


1TNV1I.    di:    TIIK    l.HMM.N    (  IIAKIVAIII. 


•  IRY  27,  1907. 


-«a"  and  Other  mild    k  -    l,y  ^-nnino  ama/,-n,.-.il 

.-ar   child,  of   all    th«-  •  >r    «•  \ril.-iin-iit    shall     U-    supplied    With 

ij  glut                                           -.•.•ni>  l.randy    at    tin-    .                                 !  '-'.v.-r 

'.|<-  f.T  tin-  spa-.ni. 

-iH-h   funny   jmiplr   In  tv   f-  i  I      \  !.'••- ik   of  l.-s.s  than    100   shall   IM- 

i  •  .(-illation  calli-d  "  A  minor  run." 

ra  t,,                             ,,ff  to  law  with  A  lireak  of  IH-IU,.  n   IINI  :ind  200 
df.      If     ' 


re    Christ  ma*        \ 

she's  all  rinhl.  will 
the  i 
may  Uke  it  fr  \  «l«i»r.  il 

other  ooontriea,  and  it '»  all  their  bra) 
to  say  abe  i*. 

..Unit  h.i  tin- 

• 


ti\<-   national   tin-.-.  I   sli.  uld  nay 


l.iw-Miit!    MivtinK-lMK  Kn 

•   she  is  abtoltitfly,  which  and  his  AiiH-ri.-an   \vifi-  in    Washii.. 

makes  A  mere  European  person  smile '  I  filmed  with  th.-m.  whil.    .1  ..-mi  u,-,,i 

•ii..t   morv   than  down   to  win.-  j.laii-  calli-d  Tmy.  or  else 

-.*  confided  Itoiiif.  win-re.   I    )x-li.\f.  In-  was 

-i\  lliat    his    


IN-    C.ll!  •    fill    ill-Ill." 

A   l.r.-ak   .•(  over  .1;«"i 


"A 

|.l:iv.-r    of    lliis 


!«•  i-all.-l 
compilation,"  and  tin- 
la-t    ^hall     IK-    Kii«l     to 


-lartli-  tin-  n-aliiis  of  cili-doiu." 
\ny  |  laviT  \vlio  is 


for 


more 


lo 

i'l<-al 


of     fmuile    t-liann 


llynelf.  I  conaider  the  mm 
here  to  be  In4h  l*-ttrr-lnakintj 
and  mirrr  than  the  women, 
though  it  IIKI 

point  of  view.     1  've  met  some 
American  boys  who  .in-  quit.- 

:nake  lov<- 

pn-ttily.  I  don't  my  in 
then*  compare  with — v. 
XIWTT.  fc*  instance.  '1 1 
an  ••nxernens.  a  strenuoumnw. 

\\\>-  )»•*(  dud)-  of  the  lot  that 
•  -I  form.  It  's 
ill.-  l.unt  »f  ir,,rk.  you  know, 
for.  though  hf  may  have  been 
'•  r»-.ir.-l  in  tin-  lap  "  and  have 
done  tn4hinx  nil  his  lr 
father  or  jjrandf.it ht-r  'if  h<- 
ninxtn  Mich  a  luxury  i  workol 
hard  at  railway-  or  pork,  or 
oil,  or  miinetliiiiK.  whil.-  Noun 
of  a  rare 
that.  «-\if|>l  in  war-tin.- 

n. -tiling    for    <•<•<!< 
Il  ha*  it*  dr.i»Un-k«,  though 
Ii  -   I---I    I..   Noim   nut- 
Aunt  (HHJHK,  and  my  having 
to  take  .li»uii  Mi  i  IIVIN 
The  other  nielli    I  went   to 

aofandofhere.   Onlhewbole. 
I  thoaKbt   the  doggiea  were 

ton  Inu-lly  MI-HI. -1  ..ii. I  wore  a 

Illllf    I...    li.ll,  !i    JcWi-lllTV.       If 

only  I   had  had   my  dariniK  1'om-Pom  to 
chaperon!     In  In.  I.L..  k  Kitin  f-\.niii>: 


thai:  .rulivi- 

compilattona  shall    U-   liable 
to  IM-  >tnii-k  I  iy  his  o|  i 
with  tin-  Initt  i-nd  of  tin-  i-iii-. 


SUFFRAGETTE. 

S.ir  /•,.;.-  ,/,-"\ni.  • 


"I,  -  Mni-itr 


<%>i  \M>  ji-  fits 

1'our  la  jin-in 
.Ii-  in'aci|iiittai-.  d'nn'  drtl.- 

Que  tout  Ii-  inoiidf  doit. 
I'our  ivinvi-r  la  patrii- 

.I'cntrai  an  parli-im-nt. 
\i-H-'mrnl  jf  cri.-. 

l\n  inontant  snr  un  Kane: 


Soy. 


with  hiii  diaiiMiml  KtiitU.  and 

of  par/urn  ./am/.iir.  In-  d  have 

dfi  ii. 

The    "Teddy   !«•- 
•ympalhy  from  me.     I  think  it  |«- 
rirky.   llnnii;h    I   \»-  liad   to   ^ 
IMrtieii. 

• 

. 
• 


"\Vl-l    Mil   TOC  CTAT   AWAT   r«oH   HCIIOOI.,   KlANKIE?' 

"Me  Mrrnri  BSAWKK  'r.i  AIM." 

•Hit  »in  inn  \»i-  KTAT  TWO  DATS?" 

Roy.  "8M   MAWH   IT   l'   TWIl  PLA-ACn!" 

and   h<-  cairn-  Ixu-k  with  three  law 
on  Ins  li.u 

•il  for  lii^h.  ma  In 
Kvi-r  tin 


v<-/, 
Sniviv.  -inoi  ! 

Voyons  si  Toll  n-jrtli'. 

.-it.-,  n-ji  • 
Vo\ons  si  Ton  n-ji-tti- 

l.'iniiii-s  roiiiinc  inoi. 

inland  ji-  fns  ^uffr.ii;i-ltf 
Pour  la  di-iixii-nii-  foi-. 
I  "n  policeman  nn-  yuriii-. 

II.  .mini-  dr  niaiivais'  foi  ! 
.!••  i-ri'.  "  Vivi-nl  li-s  fi-iinnr*. 

l-'.H's  voti-ronl  nn  joiir. 
l-'.ll'-  i-lianli-roiit  la  ^anm 
1'iiijoiirs  : 


BILLIAHD6 

nuilfnt,  and  otlf 

iiy     I  K- 
A    Kniuht    of  tin-   i 

I 

li'klf    t: 


Yi.-n-.  ma 
Vn-iis  ri- 

ii-  ji-  (•• 
'I'.-  mi-It.-,  Ii-  melt. 

i-  c|iu-  j.-  I.- 
An  \  iol  in  t1.-  s..ir. 


"  Hi'  'ii-ni'*-,  up  in  iirniH. 

-'itl    in,   it   in 
nlinll 
k,'"»K«   may 

.   iin. 


• 


Honour  where  Honour  it  due. 
Tin    overwhelming  majority 
l>y  tin-   lit-  •    ill.-  naiiii- 

.-   l.ark  to  tin-  di  ar  old   tin.- 
-  .1    l.y  lli.  iidi  lit    of    Tin- 

Daily  I'hrnnirle  as  "a  trinnii'liant  vindi- 
cation I'f   I   :!••  l.:l    I  .   i 


FKRIIUARY  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


101 


Young  Wife.  "  WUT  DO  YOU  ALWAYB  BIT  on  TUB  EDGE  OF  TUB  CHAIR?" 

Husband.  "WELL,  MY  DEAR,  YOU  KNOW  WE'RE  BUYING  THE  FURNITURE  ON  THE  HIRE  SYSTEM,  AND  THAT'S  ALL  I  FEEL  ENTITLED  TO!" 


THE  ESCAPE. 

(Vide  "  The  Face  and  How  to  Head  it,"  by  Miss  A.  I.  Oppenheim, 
F.B.P.S.) 

I  WORSHIPPED  her.     My  office  pen  each  day 

From  ten  to  one  and  three  to  five  (or  thereabout) 

Traced  on  blue  forms  impassioned  odes  to  MAY, 
The  only  girl  I  ever  seemed  to  care  about. 

By  night — but  why  waste  words  ?   You  will  agree  with  me 

I  was  a  goner :  it  was  all  U  P  with  me. 

At  length  I  screwed  my  courage  up.     I  thought, 
Suspense  is  worse  than  death — I  can't  endure  it. 

While  shyness  strikes  me  dumb,  she  may  be  caught, 
For  all  1  know,  by  some  unblushing  curate. 

Curates  have  somehow  such  a  winning  way  with  them, 

I  shuddered  at  the  prospect  of  a  fray  with  them. 

In  haste  I  left  the  office,  Balham-bound, 

For  there  my  matchless  MAY  had  made  her  domicile  ; 
Frock-coated,  gloved — none  fairer  had  been  found 

Since  Phoebus  first  was  seen  arising  from  his  isle. 
Sweet  in  my  hand  a  bunch  of  rare  Spring  violets, 
And  in  my  head  some  neatly  twisted  triolets. 

I  chanced  to  pass  a  bookstall,  chanced  to  see 

A  slender  tome — ah,  me  !  for  all  that  came  of  it ! 

I  little  thought  what  change  'twould  bring  to  me— 
TJie  Face  and  How  to  Read  it  was  the  name  of  it. 

I  bought  it,  rather  grudging  what  I  spent  on  it, 

But  in  a  moment  I  was  quite  intent  on  it. 


Tip-tilted  noses — MAY'S,  I  thought,  is  such — 
Mean  pertness  and  unmaidenlike  audacity ; 

A  fulness  of  the  lids — MAY'S  have  a  touch 
Of  fulness — shows  inordinate  loquacity ; 

Laps  curved  like  MAY'S  denote  a  boundless  vanity, 

Her  shell-like  ears  incipient  insanity. 

Below  her  wisdom  teeth,  where  faithful  jaws 

Ought  to  expand,  MAY'S  take  the  wrong  direction, 

Sure  sign,  according  to  these  certain  laws, 
That  she  would  prove  unstable  in  affection  ; 

In  fact,  to  me  they  clearly  seemed  to  indicate 

She  'd  only  be  content  to  wed  a  syndicate. 

The  angle  of  her  brows  appeared  to  show 
A  tendency  to  everything  she  shouldn't  do ; 

The  colour  of  her  iris  let  me  know 

That  there  was  nothing  villainous  she  wouldn't  do. 

'Twere  madness  truly  not  to  banish  from  my  side 

A  dimple  indicating  love  of  homicide. 

I  closed  the  book — fled  homeward.     What  a  fate 
Awaited  him  who  trusted  his  economy 

In  simple  innocence  unto  a  mate 

With  such  a  crime-connoting  physiognomy  ! 

Next  day,  with  joy  that  almost  grew  hysterical, 

I  heard  she  was  to  marry  something  clerical. 


THE  NEW  SPELLING.— "Please  Lelp  the  Unemployed, 
kind  of  work  excepted." 


Any 


I'-' 


IM  Si  II.   ni:   TUB  LONDON   CH.MMVAKI. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Pmuh't  Staff  of  Learned  Clerk*.) 

Wnx  the  Mr.  HEXBT  JAMW  of  these  later  day- 
.••w*  what  lo  expo  ' 
•ran-  cluinn  in  the  wilting      'I ! 

of  the  reader  will  U-  appealed  to  by  a  suave  and  shrinking 
delicacy  of  treatment,  a  coy  desire  to  keep  him  soothed  while 

.  ,    .   •   .  •  •-        .   .•  •  •    •  • 
f  meriu      Nd     ng  wfll 

and   |.t  iii  Mr.  HEXHY  JAVI.-  -  M  Inane  of 

definiteneas  becomes  Uie  equivalent  of  I. nn.il. 

to  I*  i  The  Ameri- 


torv.  cpically  c..Mcei\i-.|  ami  carried  through  with  unflag«in« 
-r.uit    Mr.    I/      •  nit    "f    \i<v,    and 

itltoin  '  "f   "I"1 


*\  IMI  IKu;  is  an  admirable  exam) 
what  I  may  call  the  latest  Jacobean  style.  Am.-n.-a  is  tin 
o  MI ni  ry  of  sharp  outlines  and  violent  contrasts.  The  rush 
of  its  people,  the  barbaric  quality  of  its  mixed  an-hit.x  ture. 
Itant  untidiness  of  its  landscape,  the  clear  cri-pm-- 
atmosphere— all  these  strike  on  the  la/.y  Kuropean 
with  an  explosive  force  and  often  shatter  his  powers  of 
appreciation.  But  Mr.  HKNBY  JAMES  is  kind.  He  wraps  the 
•erne  in  a  pearl-grey  haie  through  which  his  imagination. 
that  whimsical  sprite,  leads  us  on  a  course  of  mild  adven- 
tures. Here  and  there  we  glance  for  a  moment  at  some 

piercing  building  of  New  York  ;   and. 

we  ar*  off  to  !'••-!. -n  to  linger  altont  tin-  State  House  with  its 
giM.il  dome  and  to  lament  in  Heacon  Stn-el  over  the  changes 
disfigured  the  metropolis  of  1'uritan  faith  and 
intellectual  aspiration.  The  America  we  thus  visit  is  not 
the  America  we  know.  N-I--K  >\.r  knew  such  a  country. 
It  exists  in  the  mind  of  Mr  Htxiiv  JAMKS  and  nowhere  .  1-  . 
but  for  that  very  reason  it  i-  an  inlereHling  i-ouniry.  and  we 
may  lie  glad  to  have  nuide  the  voyage  under  the  guidance 
of  .1  l.-ad.  r  -.i1.  ••••  vagueness  is  more  attractive  than  tin 
downright  truth-  with  which  others  have  regaled  us. 

In  i  ;,•••>, < I.   fnmi  CONSTABLE'S)  I  read 

( if  how  the  strife  of  creed  and  creed 

.vdo|,c«  folk  U-yond  the  Tweed 

In  wordy  war  mists, 
Who  doubt  the  heaven-directi-d  lead 
*  if  Nonconformists. 

The  tale  is  full  of  human  stuff. 
That 's  livened  up  with  just  enough 
i  if  N  .  thud'*  language  in  the  rough 

ike  you  through  it 
Without  adnaaary  to  puff 
The  sense  into  it. 

The  author.  GRAHAM  TEAVHW    she 
Who's  known  as  MAWUitrr  Touo,  M.D.— 
-  certainly,  it  seems  to  me, 

A  gift  for  lid  ion. 
(My  stanza  form  's  from  BOBBIE  I  '• 

Though  not  my  diction.) 

In  \\'lnir  fang  (MKTHtrnr)  Mr.  JACK  I/WDOK  has  written  il> 
•tonr  of  a  dog  who  began  life  as  a  wolf  and  was  coi 
by  love  into  a  genuinely  canine  h-  :  •      1  cannot  disguise 
from    myself  that  objections   may  be   urged   a 
Lonnx'fi  tmtmrnt  of  his   theme.     Its  |>- 
easence  of  tl 
IV/ii, 
" 

a  uliwltm  now  loi> 

•1  ai 
lie  lash  of  Some   hum.in   o] 

1   impressiv 


dim 

ut    hi 
„•  care   wit 

illillli«-i\e      lillt 


toi 
t  least,  it  ha-  bn-n  with  tliin  grateful  reader,  who,tb(Mgh 

ult  or  two,  ha*  ii"  h«  -  "  4  that 

ility  ami   humanity  of  the   I  '  f 

unary  stories  of  convention. 

J.llll>  Hi  Vlll  ii.nceixe.-  and  carri' 
Thnnighoiit  his  Ixmk,  -' 

A  plan  '  m..rlii"l  - 

At  which  our  social  .-M-henie  goes  \\r< 
And  having  reached  the  tinal  par 

!ii>  wr.ilh  lak.  118  llanie 

At  Cliurch.  Divorce  (',.1111.  U,  -i~tnir    - 
i,  vkoos  most  to  M 

On  every  sonlid  fact  he  dwells, 

nig  it  through  and  mund  alxxit, 
1'uts  in  each  Mingle  point  that  telU, 

-•me  that  Would  U-  In-tter  out  ; 
Indii-d.  he  writes  with  such  a  /cst 
I  '<!  douht.  l>ut  for  that  final  par, 
If  In-  were  really  much  distressed 
That  things  are  as  he  says  they 


When   an    author  says    that    his   heroine   wa*   "the    most 
M-aiitiful    girl   thnt    liujirt    had   e\er   sn-n,"    I.    for    one.   am 
|iiite  pn-jiarcd  to  iM-lieve  him.      In   f.  •  tier  than 

l:\H-ii.  and  j.ictnre  her  tin-  most  ln-auliful  girl  in  the  world. 
\gain.  if   I  am   told   that  Ifnjfrt   himself  was  a   famous  con- 
ortionist  (say),  I   d  .....  .(    lu>itate  t..  taki-  the  air 

'or  it.     In   any  c.i.-e   1  h.ixe   im  op|Hirtimiiies  of  judging   for 

n\~.lf.      Hut  it  is  a  different   mailer  when  the  aiuhor 

if  h'tijifii  as  a  humorist,  an  orator,  or  as  ju^-t  a  very  charming 

fellow.     Then  I  do  demand  some  >orl  of  evidence  ill  sii| 

the  claims  made  for  hi  m.  This  is  where  Mr.  II  \ia.-i-is  (  I.  I\'HOI>KS, 

the  author  of  f'/i<n-/««  K,lir,ir>l  iW.\un,    !/><K  A   ('••   .  i-  not 

altogether  convincing.  Charle*  Kdictml  hims«'lf  may  ha\ 

"inimitable."    "  inc»iii]>ar.tlile,"   "  wonderful."  a-  In-  is  called 

throughout  the  lx»ok  ;  but  Mr.  Knot*:*  is.  if  I  ma- 

Unite   big  enough   for  the  task  of  pro\  ing  tin  ~r  allegations. 

However,  I'liiirli'it  is  at  any  nite  a   plea-ant    fellow;  and   his 

adventures  (after  the  manner  of  I'l-in  make  amusing 

reading.     The  drawings  by  Mr.  I'I:M:II\\  SUM  v«.-  are  worth- 

less as   illustrations,   though    there   may    !»•  >    will 

admin-  them  as  impressions  of  the     Si  \M  v\\s  girl." 

Tlte  llrnrt  tint!  A"n«if*  (I)n-k«oi:iii.  should   prosily 
been  call.-l   "The   Hearts  that  l>on't  Know."     Kor  the   two 
he-arts  (male  and   female'   which    Mr.   ClIM:!     I  O.  D    !.'•• 
immolates   in   its   pages   showe<l    an   Hsvpenting    want    of 
knowledge    of    each    other's    thoughts.      The    man    so    little 
knew   tin-    woman    who   wan   to    \»-    the    mother   of  his   child 
that   he  U-ln-ved    In  r  to   !»•  fal-c  on  the  testimony  of  a  forged 
letter,  and   pnnveded    i  her   for    twenty   long    jn 

and  all    but  the   last  l\\.'    page.-  o  I  ihe  U-.k,   and    the  Woman 

well,    of   ,  didn't     know    wl>  'd.      Tin-re 

was  nothing   i  •   _..p|.-    I.,  i       Till    her    mi 
lipiiight    hi-    foolish    father    back    home  aero-.,    the 
liM-d  in  ,pl.  le  igiiof.inee   Ih.th  a>  !•>  hi-  w; 

abouU  and  bis  thoughts,  the  butt  of  all  tin-  unkind  ton 
in  the-  Canadian  ullage  which  she  called  home. 


'fur.  We-tern    I'niver-ity    of    Pennsylvania   propo  • 

!    l.itt.l  i.   on    Mr.  Moni:iti.v    HI;I  I .      'fl, 

a    little   I  \!r.    llooi-rii.   after  all    that   gentleman    ha- 

liteniture  lately.    Hut  perhaps  his  Kngli.-h 
>ngh  lor  him. 


M.Vlirll    I),    11)07.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


163 


iMdlJ  Cyclist.    "CAN  YOU  TELL   MB    IF  THERE    IS  ANT   SAXON   WORK   IN   THIS   OHURPH ?  " 

Old  Man.  "  LOR  BLESS  YER,  MDM,  I  BE  THE  SAXON  !  " 


THE  TIP-TOPICAL  SONG. 

(Am :  "  Peace,  Peace.") 
["I  cling  to  the  Topical  Song!  "—From  ttie  dicta  of  Mr.  Paul  Rubcnx.] 

TIIKISK  's  a  craze  nowadays  for  the  musical  plays  ; 

Tim  success  they  enjoy  is  enormous  ; 
They  're  inconsequent  quite,  but  we  love  them  in  spite 

Of  the  critics'  attempt  to  reform  us. 
Though  they  've  got  little  plot,  it  don't  matter  a  jot — 

It  makes  room  for  a  popular  item  ; 
For  the  topical  song,  if  things  ever  go  wrong, 

Is  invariably  certain  to  right  'em. 

fling,  cling  to  the  topical  song, 
And  the  piece  will  run  gaily  along ; 

There  is  nothing  that  "  grips  " 

Like  some  suffragette  quips 
In  a  typical,  topical  song. 

When  the  best  little  jest  has  been  voted  a  pest, 

And  the  comic  man  can't  raise  a  titter, 
When  the  baritone,  too,  has  been  met  with  a  boo 

From  the  galleryite  and  the  pittcr, 
When  (hey  've  tried,  0  ye  pride  of  the  South  London  side, 

With  but  little  effect  to  burlesque  you, 
Then  some  Rajah  of  Bhong  with  a  topical  song 

Will  come,  turban  and  all,  to  the  rescue. 


Cling,  cling  to  the  topical  song, 

And,  they  say,  you  can  never  go  wrong ; 

For  the  rest,  though  abused, 

Will  be  quickly  excused 
By  a  typical,  topical  song. 

If  you  try  to  aim  high,  you  will  go  all  awry, 

And  you  won't  pay  the  theatre's  rental ; 
Therefore  quash  all  your  qualms  ;  shove  in  sheltering  palms  ; 

Make  the  atmosphere  quite  oriental ; 
Let  a  man  (in  Japan)  sing  some  phrases  that  scan, 

Setting  forth,  say,  the  afternoon's  winner 
(For  that 's  always  thought  smart,  though  of  course  it 's  not 
Art— 

But  whoever  wants  Art  after  dinner  ?). 

Oling,  cling  to  the  topical  song, 

And  the  run  of  your  play  will  be  long ; 

Every  author  that 's  wise 

Knows  the  kudos  that  lies 
In  a  typical,  topical  song ! 

FROM  The  North  Wales  Observer : — 

"To  BE  SOLD,  SHIRE  STALLION.— '  Burgandy  Bend,'  No.  23,109, 
Vol.  27,  16J  hands  high ;  very  muscular ;  good  boue ;  silky  feathers. 
There  is  some  grand  stock  after  him." 

Personally",  we  are  after  him,  too— if  the  above  is  a  true 
description  of  his  points. 


VOL.  cxxxn. 


','  ! 


1TNCH,   OR   T11K   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MABTH  6,  1907. 


THE    POET 

v,     •    v     v 


TO    HIS    SUFFRAGETTE. 


,  •   .   -   i 
fruity  mad — 


fair, 


Present  in  spirit  I  could  still  observe 

-tin-house"  upon  your  brow, 
,rd  above,  the  halo's  airy  curve, 

>>ear  the  thud  of  your  heroic  feet 
Shattering  Chandoa  Street 

Perchance  you  found  my  absence  rather  odd 

When  you  debouched  from  out  your  loathly  cell  ? 
had  thought  on  you  detained  in  quod, 
id  and  tousled  ;  I  had  pondered  well 
How  great  a  thing  you  were,  how  near  the  sky, 
And  what  a  worm  was  I. 

In  dreams  I  waved  a  banner  by  your  side 

And  frankly  owned  :  "  This  is  no  place  for  me ! 

She  needs  a  nobler  mate,  this  virile  bride, 
A  hardier  brand  than  I  could  hope  to  be ; 

I  am  not  made  (one  has  to  be  BO  tough) 
<  >f  the  right  martyr-stuff." 

Then  I  have  certain  foibles,  all  accurst, 

:is  a  lingering  sentiment  for  sex, 
A  modest  tap  of  humour,  bound  to  burst 

When  you  are  prancing  on  a  prostrate  X  ; 
These  would  obscure  my  vision  of  the  True ; 
Yes,  I  should  never  da 

So,  Loveliest,  I  release  you.     All  is  o'er. 

I  will  not  grumble ;  I  am  only  sad, 
A  little  sad  because  I  must  deplore 

Your  uninstructed  taste,  who  might  have  had 
This  pillowy  heart  to  press,  but  chose  to  wed 

A  ballot-box  instead !  0.  S. 


THE    WISDOM    OF    THE    BLACK    FRIAR. 
Or  MALAMEB. 

Ir  thou  art  at  the  sick-bed  of  thy  friend  and  that  friend 
suffereth  from  a  malady,  discourse  at  length  upon  the 
nffssifsii  on  which  thou  thyself  didst  suffer  from  that  malady 
Rather  than  inquire  after  thy  friend's  symptoms  or  express 
pity  for  his  sufferings,  prove  to  him  bow  at  that  other  time 
thy  symptoms  were  more  intricate  and  thy  sufferings  greater 
Pass  on  then  to  the  narration  of  all  the  maladies  that  thou 
from  time  to  time  hast  suffered,  and  dwell  on  the  nobleness 
of  thy  bearing  on  each  occasion 

If  than  hast  from  thy  youth  up  been  cursed  with  gocx 
health,  describe  the  sffm»«««  of  thy  relations.  Thou  mus 
not  let  the  sick  man's  attention  be  diverted  from  the  topi* 
of  sickness  lest  he  become  unduly  cheerful. 

Or  Extras. 

It  is  common  knowledge  that  enough  is  as  .good  as  a  feast, 

nay  better.    Nevertheless  on  demand  men  can  be  found 

who  will  upset  their  own  convenience  to  accommodate  a  friend 

and  will  sacrifice  their  enough  in  order  to  partake  of  a  feast 

Or  THE  L\w. 

If  thou  art  a  lover  of  reading,  read  the  law.     If  thy  taste 
i*  in  favour  of  romance  and  the  strong  dramatic  interest 
select  Company  law,  but  if  thy  leaning  u  towards  frivolit 
and  the  sparkling  epigram,  turn  rather  towards  Precedent 
in  Conveyancing. 


v       i       .    •        the  tar  forma?  y  w  •>  '  •- '  '••""" 

,,ne   thing  -n!  '"   U>  J"'1"1*'    wltl> 

,un,;.  Th.-refore.   my   M.II.  Miice  thou   do«t  so 

.,!,„.  „  iimt  tlum  canst  not  di-p.-n-e  therewith,  take 

i hough    thou  tli'1   vaguest    n..ti<>n 

!.,•.  much  li-s*  what  a  joinder  of  issue  may 
»•.  yet  thou  canst  not  In-  too  eareful    that    the   twain  IK-  i  . 
oim-d  togi  ther. 

If  thou  art  a  layman,  thou  mayeet  perchance  announce 
l,v  ,|JSJM.  purpose  of  seeing  the  Court!  Kitting.  !'•• 

d  that  thou  lind  not  thyself  With   difficulty  an.: 
ise  ensconced   in  the  Court  of  thy  choice  but  listening 
..n,l  dull  dispute  as  to  the  salving  of  a  ship  or  the 
nterpretation  of  a  will.     For  rememl>er  that  Admiralty  and 
ite  cases  are  also  tried  in  that  ( 'ourt. 

Or 

When  thou  art  engaged  in  the  Courts  of  law,  be  careful 
hat  thou  doet  employ  the  right  kind  of  speech  to  the  right 

tenon. 

To  a  Judge  say:  "  My  Lord,  I  would  that  so-and-so  were 
done,"  and  if  that  thing  be  just  it  shall  be  <! 

To  a  Master  it  hat  is  next  beneath  a  Judge)  say  :  "  Ma 
.f  it  please  thee,  I  would  that  so-and-so  were  done,"  and   if 
ie  taketh  not  violent  offence  at  thy  person  or  manner   he 
also  will  do  in.-1 

To  a  Master's  Clerk  say:  "Sir,  const-ions  as  I  am  of  thy 
.ntrinpic  greatness  and  the  enormity  of  thy  ini|>ort:ince,  1 
vet  dare  to  ask  thee  as  a  matter  of  grace  that  so-and-so  may 
3C  done,"  and  possibly  thou  shall  in  the  end  receive  thy  due. 

But  to  the  lowest  official  (to  wit,  the  Summons  and  Older 
Clerk)  say:  ••fir-anting.  Superior  Ik-ing,  that  thou  art  the 
personification  of  the  dignity  of  the  law  and  that  thy 
position  is  such  as  forbiddeth  thee  to  have  dealing!  with 
the  ordinary  human;  premising  that  I  that  address  i 
less  than  a  worm  in  thy  comparison  ;  admitting,  brietly.  that 
tor  me  to  address  thee  at  all  is  the  vilest  presumption  on 
my  part  and  the  most  gross  affront  to  thy  highness,  never- 
theless I  suggest  with  all  humility  that  so  and  so  may  \«- 
done."  Know  that  though  with  great  good  fortune  and  in 
the  course  of  ages  that  thing  may  be  done  yet  of  a  surety 
even  then  it  shall  be  done  wrong. 

Or  SIGNALS. 

Art  thou  that  readeet  these  lines  a  driver  of  engines? 
Observe  thy  signals,  and,  if  they  be  against  thee,  stop.  Yea, 
though  thy  natural  impulse  is  to  go  on  and  it  i- 
apparent  to  thee  that  by  so  doing  thou  shah  the  more 
speedily  reach  thy  destination,  nevertheless  st  |.  There  is 
ever  a  possibility  that  he  that  set  the  signals  against  thee  set 
them  thus  neither  through  mistake,  nor  in  laziness,  nor 
from  spite,  but  with  some  honest  and  ample  reason. 

Or  TABLES. 

If  thy  table  is  of  that  kind  that  upsctteth  itself  every  time 
thou  seatest  thyself  on  the  side  of  it,  confound  that  ta!>le  by 
not  seating  thyself  on  the  side  of  it.  If,  however,  thou  f.-el 
that  thou  must  seat  thyself  on  the  side  of  it,  thou  mayt-st 
still  confound  that  table  by  engaging  some  pcr^.n  the  while 
to  seat  himself  on  the  oil.  tit. 

OF  RECTITUDE. 

See  to  it  that  thou  put  thyself  right  in  all  things,  and  not 

thyself  only  but  others  also.     Contradict   loudly  him   that  in 

in  the  slightest  degree  inaccurate  in  his  speech,  and  wriu 

papers   on    every    matter    that    is    not    exactly  as  il 

an  affair  no  more  important  thar 

a  man's  waistcoat   button.     Rcj»>rt  crran.i  ,  anc 

•nen;  take  the  numbers  of  omnibus  conductors,  cab- 
drivers,  and  policemen  ;  above  all  write  on  the  back  of  th\ 
bill  complaints  of  the  waiters  whom  the  regulations  of  the 
restaurant  prevent  thee  from  tipping. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-MAnai  6,  1907. 


HISTORY  DEFEATS   ITSELF. 

SHADE  OF  PAUL  KRUOER.   "WHAT!     BOTHA    PREMIER?     WELL,    THESE    ENGLISH    DO 

'  STAGGER  HUMANITY ' !  " 


MARCH  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


167 


TJtf  Professor  («7io  luia  just  been  introduced  to  Lady  Blenkinioff's  latest  musical  prodigy).  "  AND  DO  YOU  REALLY  PLAY  so 

PEAUTIFUI.I.Y  AS   DAT?" 


THE    ELF-KING'S    VICTORY. 


WHEN  the  Elf-King  went  to  battle  with  his  helmet  on  his 

lirail 

Taiihi-ra,  rub-a-dub,  rattle-rattle! 
See  the  Ellin  army  marching  out  to  battle  !— 
lli>  kissed  tin-  Quern  at  parting,  and  this  is  what  he  said, 
While  his  stall'  stood  by  respectfully,  and,  oh,  their  armour 

glistened, 
And  their  eyes  Hashed   fires  of  courage,  and  they  set  their 

teeth  and  listened 
To  the  winged  words  of  their  monarch  with  his  helmet  on 

liis  liead : — 

"  Xn\v  farewell,"  he  said,  "beloved  one,  for  you  cannot  come 
with  me," 

Tanta-ra,  rub-a-dub,  rattle-rattle! 
Sec  the  Elfin  army  marching  out  to  battle ! — 
\\  e  shall  charge  the  foe  directly,  and  as  far  as  I  can  see, 
Si  nee  we '  ve  got  the  bigger  army,  we  shall  probably  defeat  them ; 
We  shall  cut  them  up  and  smash  them,  and  wherever  we 

may  meet  them 
We  shall  win  no  end  of  glory,  but  you  cannot  come  with  me." 

Soshesighedand  shereleased  him,  and  his  battle-cry  rang  out — 
Tanla-ra.  nih-a-dub,  rattle-rattle! 
See  the  Elfin  army  marching  out  to  battle  ! — 
"  Now  St.  George  for  Merry  Elf-land  !  ",  and  they  answered 

with  a  shout, 

All  the  cavaliers  of  Elf-land,  mighty  two-inch  men  of  muscle, 
Who  could  hack  their  way  to  triumph  through  the  thickest 

of  the  tussle, 
Sitting  stalwart  on  their  chargers,  while  his  battle-cry  rang  out. 


In  their  splendid  regimentals,  lo,  the  infantry  went  by — 

Tanta-ra,  rub-a-dub,  rattle-rattle  ! 

See  the  Elfin  army  marching  out  to  battle  !— 
Eighty  thousand  lusty  foot-men,  all  prepared  to  do  or  die ; 
While  the  handkerchiefs  were  waving  from  the  windows  to 

remind  them 

Of  the  hearts  and  pretty  faces  of  the  girls  they  left  behind  them, 
Of  the  girls  who  cheered  and  chattered  as  the  infantry  went  by. 

So  they  marched  to  fight  the  Gnome-King,  but  that  wary 

monarch  ran — 

Tanta-ra,  rub-a-dub,  rattle-rattle! 
See  the  Elfin  army  marching  out  to  battle  !  — 
Ran  with  all  his  craven  army  ere  the  battle-shock  began. 
And  they  captured  all  the  mole-hills  where  his  men  had 

taken  shelter, 
Chased  them  out  of  their  entrenchments  and  pursued  them 

helter-skelter, 
While  the  Elf-King  led  them  onward  and  the  Gnome-King 

cut  and  ran. 

Then  with  all  their  banners  flaunting  and  the  Elf-King  still 

in  front — 

Tanta-ra,  rub-a-dub,  rattle-rattle ! 
See  the  Elfin  army  marching  back  from  battle ! — 
Home  they  came,  the  happy  soldiers  who  had   borne   the 

dreadful  brunt. 

And  the  Lord  Mayor  and  the  Sheriffs  and  the  City  Corporation 
In  their  chains  and  robes  of  office  gave  the  army  an  ovation, 
And  were  knighted  very  neatly  by  the  King,  who  rode  in 

front.  R.C.I.. 


1'  - 

A  TRAP  FOR 
UK.  IVsca's  UXT, 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MABCH  6,  1907. 


COUNTRY  MICL 

IHT  GCIDE  TO 


lion, 
1571. 


sympat 
CaATEA 


and    died    at 

hi    hf.-    was 
ly 


Smith  field    in   away   even    if    he   succeeded    in 

\erv    jMiwering  the  janitors  in  the  room  itself 
lie     provided      himself     with 
.  1    sullicieiit    KiHvnlence 


call     by  the  French  author       unites 


Gurm  XXXVII 
ThtTotcar. 

THAT  the  Tower  of  London  was  built 

•  iLLUM    THE   OOMQCBKoa  is  a   fact 

within  reach  of  the  right  hand  of  every 

sub-editor.     At  that  time  the   Tower 

Bridge  had  not  been  constructed,  and  sightseers.    The  most  humiliating  pre- 
Queen  Anne's  Mansions  were  also  noi  as  are  taken  to  prevent  one  from 


The  Tower  rose  to  its  «snith  of  useful  with  whii-h  t..  LriU-  his  pursuers. 
..j»  in  Humr  THE  Kl«;imi  •>  time,  and  it        For  the  rest  th<>  Tower  is  notable  for 

was  a  certain  thing  that  if  he  took  any  its  Armoury,  where  the  canned   I- 

of  his  wires  to  see  the  regalia  he  emerge  I  kept;  for  it.s  ravens,  \\li-  MJ      N 

«M  "     /wAtii  iim-illv  •      fur      tti»-     uLiirra.m* 


.    '.       . 

The    regalia    is    still 


existent    The  Thames,  however,  flowed 
past  the  fortress  very  much  as  it 
now,  save    that    its  depths  were   Ins 
turbid  and  fewer  steam  whistles  rent  the 


air.  e  for 

Tower  in  \N  ILIUM'S 
time  was  a  t. 
but    traitors    have 
always     been     ad- 
mitted free. 

Time  passed,  but 
not  until  bluff  King 
HAL  came  to  the 
throne  (which,  it  is 
not  perhaps  uni- 
versally known, 
was  widened  and 
strengthened  to 

• 

did  the  Beefe-.r 
. 

seriated  with  the 
Tower,  spring  into 
existence.  Their 
origin  is  not  without 
interest.  My  Lord 
PbKTEKBoCBC,aburly 
young  man  of  a 
sanguine  disposi- 
and  the  best 
:  in  his  veins, 
having  engaged  in 
a  duel  with  Sir 
r.  MTLD,  a 
vegetarian  knight 
of  the  time,  and 


admission  to  the 


in. .re      continually;    for    the    staircase 

._    .^ the    principal    under   which    the   little    Princes    were 

attraction  that  the  Tower  ran  offer  to   smothered  ;  and   for  its  moat,  which   H 

dry  as  all  guides  to  Lond> 

The    Tower    used   t"  have  a  : 

aerie  of  lions,  but  alx«nt  a  hundred  years 


properly    examining    these    interesting 


relics— crowns,  sceptres,  orbs,  etc.     Notiago  the  IWfeatcrs  presented  a  petition 


only  are  there  railings  and  glass,  but 
the  continuous  and  irritating  presence 
.  f  custodians.  After  all, 


to  the  King  praying  that  they  might  !*• 
removed,  as  the  sight  of  these  creatures 


OUR  UNTRUSTWORTHY  ARTIST  IN  LONDON. 

THE  TOWEL    ATTEMPTED  ROHHT  or  THE  Ciowx  JEWELA. 


shin  him,  was  confined  in  the  Tower  as 
a  first-class  misdemeanant.  Having  great 
charm  of  manner  be  succeeded  in  attach- 
ing to  bis  person  the  whole  of  the  guards, 

when  be  was  liberated,  insisted 
on  going  with  him,  the  Tower  being 
thus  left  unprotected.  The  Kisc.  in  .. 
ic.  ^endeavoured  to  get  them  bark, 
.  •  •  •  '  ' 
anovsc  was  made  Governor, 
they  should  have  gorgeous 
uniform*,  nil  the  beef  they  wanted,  and 
nothing  to  do  (Jolre  far  mV> 
was  agreed  to,  and  ever  since  they  have 
been  fed  at  11  and  4.  sixpence  extra. 

•i  they  will  not  touch,  nor  veal. 
But  any  kind  of  beef  attracts  them,  even 
canned.  As  fur  Lord  PbRrnaousK,  be 
took  to  racing,  and  established  the 
famous  stakes  that  bear  In*  name.  II- 
married  a  daughter  of  Sir  (ktomcr  of 


belongs  to  the  country — to  us — not  to 
these  crimson  carnivore.  An  officer  and 
gentleman  named  BLOOD  succeeded  in 
getting  the  jewels  in  the  reign  of  CHARLES 
THE  SECOND,  much  to  that  King's  delight, 
hut  he  was  stopped  well  on  the  Tower 

Side  Of  ATnanOWXHUlX  ami   merely  lost 

money  by  the  transaction,  for  he  had  to 
pay  his  myrmidons  a  living  wage. 
CHARLES  THE  SECOXD,  however,  sub- 
sequently made  it  up  to  him  l->  a 
pension.  The  gallant  Colonel  later 
attacked  the  K  jl.m-l.  l.nt  was 

again  disappointed.     He  In. I  little  luck. 

!o  a  life  (,| 

seem  MI- 
Since    BUMP'S  day  the   regalia    h.i- 

.  a  fairy  queen 
in     j.r.  AH 
covetously  ..-.•!. n^   -|  l.-n.).. n- 

doubtful    if    the    thief    would    g.-t 


the   crown   enjoying  their  meals  was  more  than  they 

could  bear.  The 
•.vi -re  therefore 
removed  to  Re- 
-  Park,  and  the 
gallant  old  fellows 
were  left  in  uudis- 
turlfcd  possession 
of  the  meat.  Long 
may  they  enjoy 
it! 

CHATTER  XXXVIIT. 
Conclusion. 

And  here,  at  the 
Tower,  we  come  to 
an  end.  There  is 
much  of  London  of 
which  we  have  told 
you  nothing;  but 
this  must  suffice. 
\Ve  have  taken  you 
into  none  of  the 
Thieves'  Kitchens 
which  abound  in 
the  East  Kn<l. 
none  of  the 
<  I. untiling  Hells  or 
Cock  Tits  with 
which  the  West  is 
riddled.  Rut  of 
BERNARD  VUI.HW  will 


these    Father 


doubtless  soon  be  speaking.  We  have 
not  taken  you  to  Batteraea,  the  home  of 
BURNS  and  CHESTERTON;  nor  to  Hamp 
stead  Heath,  where  HAHHII  i  and  HM:I.-\ 
exchange  bats  and  hasj.ir.ilions  ;  nor  to 
HOWLAM"  WAIIU'S,  to  Si-e  the  skill  of  the 
lion  who  11  udd  ii"t  get  through  I'unch  ; 
nor  fora  sunny  railway  ride  iu  the  new 
TiilM-.  Tl..  .11  must  discover  for 

yourself.      In   spite  of  our  omissions  we 

.  noiigli  ;   pi-rh:i],s  too  much. 
And   so.    I/indoii.   city  of   plane  trees 
and  plainer  e- ».ks.  farewell. 
Till 


in.  iirat  fUl,  c-ar  line;  bath  ;  own  key; 
»tiil  iln-n«iitnkiT  nr  II  '11.111;    L'n.  (5j. 

week  I  j.  ,r». 

A  VERY    painful    and     iuvidioua    dis- 
tinction. 


MARCH  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


169 


A  TELEPATHIC  SUGGESTION. 

TK.UTAI MISTS  !  0  you  whose  creed 
Leaps  lightly  to  the  poet's  need, 
Excuse  me  (will  you  ?)  while  I  plead 

That  anyone  who  can 
Will,  of  his  wisdom,  be  so  kind 
As  to  assist  the  undersigned, 
Who  is  unluckily  a  married  man. 

Yes,  I  espoused,  when  very  young, 

A  \\ife-extremely  highly  strung 

In  nerves,  in  temper,  and  in  tongue — 

Who,  in  fair  tetr-a-tt'tr, 
Would  talk  the  hind  leg  off  a  horse  ; 
A  fact  which  comes  with  added  force 
Because  she 's  nearly  twice  my  fighting 
weight. 

I  am  a  timid  man,  and  hold, 
\Vitli  one  of  this  barbaric  mould, 
That  silence  is  the  truest  gold  ; 

Indeed,  when  once  I  did 
Attempt  to  take  the  other  side, 
Instead  of  arguing,  she  shied 
A  tea-pot  at  my  head,  and  broke  the  lid. 

Nor  is  it  only  that  I  miss 

Th'  amenities  of  married  bliss  ; 

I  have  a  deeper  grief  than  this, 

In  that  she  little  knows 
That,  all  the  time  her  eloquence 
Is  practised  at  her  lord's  expense, 
Why,  I  could   simply  crush  her — if  I 
chose. 

For,  mark  you,  I  myself  can  be 
Sarcastic  to  the  last  degree  ; 
My  powers  of  (silent)  repartee 

Would  floor  her  on  the  spot, 
Bar  her  exceptional  physique, 
And  that  I  hardly  care  to  speak 
Roughly  to  so  remarkable  a  shot. 

And  thus,  you  see,  like  mythic  Sprat, 

Not  only  do  I  lose  the  fat, 

But  she  takes  all  the  lean  ;  and  that 

Is  where  I  draw  the  line ; 
At  least  I  should,  but  up  till  now 
I  never  saw  exactly  how, 
While  I  knew  her  views,  she  could  get 
at  mine. 

But  tell  me,  is  there  hope  at  last  ? 
For  I  have  read  for  some  time  past 
News  of  a  strange  and  secret  caste 

Who,  as  I  gather,  claim 
To  have  evolved  a  patent  scheme 
That    ought    to    meet    my    wildest 

dream : — 
My   friends,   I   think    Telepathy 's   the 


game 


If  it  be  true,  as  I  have  heard, 
That  A.  can  get  his  thoughts  trans- 
ferred 
To  B.  without  one  blessed  word — 

Then  all  that  I  can  say 
Is  that  I  hope  some  unknown  friend 
Will,  of  his  knowledge,  condescend 
To  put  me  on  to  this  without  delay. 


OUR    SPOILT    INFANTS. 


Hoeiess.  "  WHY  AREN'T  YOU  DANCING,  MR.  FIT/.HEBBEET  ? " 

Mr.  F.  "I  CAN'T   REMEMBER  WHO  MY  TAFTXER  is  FOR  THIS  DASCE,  BUT  I'M  SUBE  I  GAVE  rr 

TO   SOMEBODY.      iSl'11 .1,   NOBODY'S   LOOSED   ME   IP   FOR   IT  !  " 


Teach  me,  I  beg,  this  new  device  ; 
And  blow  the  trouble,  hang  the  price ! 
I  shall  not  count  the  sacrifice, 
So  that  my  end  be  won  ; 
Give  me  this  mental  telegraph 
And    then,   well,   I  shall    have    the 

laugh : — 

#          *          *          *          * 

Will  someone  kindly  tell  me  how  it's 
done? 

DtJM-DcM. 


"  WANTED,  PLOUGHMAN,  with  Worker,  or 
Worker  and  a  half,  and  Boy  for  odd  Horse." 

Bericickshire  Aeirs. 

THIS  is  a  variation  of  the  well-known 
problem:  "If  a  Ploughman  and  a 
Worker  do  a  certain  piece  of  work  in 
the  same  time  as  it  takes  a  Worker  and 
a  half  with  a  Boy  for  the  odd  Horse, 
how  many  odd  Workmen  and  half  Horses 
will  be  required  if  I  double  the  depth 
of  the  trench?  Give  your  answer  in 
ploughboys.  (Brokerage  J.)  " 


PUNCH,   OK   THK    1."\1>"N    '  I!  \lll\.\KI. 


. 


THE    PASSING    OF    MARGERY. 

AT  the  age  of  tv 

that  1  urn  .  .It  was  in  1H 

• 

' 
• 

that  in  our  family  it  was  thought  to  U- 
nther  a  • 

write;  hut  it  would  be  another  thing 
tu  My  that  at  six  months  I  could  bilk. 

i.-n.  xva*   1   to  think  of  »hin 
letter  from  M  owinn'-j  root 

\\  itf-JkBlJoY,      When  mmg 

. 
aay  to  you.     i1    ••••«  know  ahe  actually 

. 

•be  is  only  aix  month-  old  !  You  must 
come  and  bear  her;  »he  i*  a  darling. 
Love  '• 

This   hrongh'  "f  I"*'   prcti> 

Jy.  I    mull 

- 

I  sneered,  an  I  m-l.it.-l  a  tie.  "Th.— • 
moth*  .1  I  sat  down  to  hr.-ak- 

ii  a  cynical  m«»«l. 

Hut  after  bn-.ikfu.st  it  was  different. 
"It's    mdly     rath,  r     wonderful."     1 
thought.  1  will.     1   II  go 

i  kMlay  and  see  if  it  s  ti 

,\.is  a  nice  old  gentleman 

in   n,\  and    I  fi-lt  1  BUOUld    like 

tu  talk  to  him.     I  pi<  k.-d  up  my  paper. 

.xlraordinary  tiling-  •»  the 

daily  preaa,"  1  began. 

•raordinary.  indi^-l.  at  i 
"Why,  there 'a  a  Irttle  paragraph  in 
thia  paper  to-day  about  a  child  of  six 
month*  who  ran 'talk  Hnently.     I  simply 
don't  1    indifferently. 

aa  1   lit  n  cigarette.      Hut    my    hand 
trembled. 

vtraonlinary,"  ho  agreed,  opening 
his  eyes  wi 

"  You  think  so  too?  "  I  cried. 

M  tia.ua  -  mother  was  blushing,  sim 
plv  bliixhmg  with  pride  and  excitement 
and  I  think   that   in   her  heart  she  WW 
a  little  frightciH-d  t 

1  'id  you  get  my  letter  ?  "  ahe  began 
. 

f  course.  That 'a  why  I'm 
come  to  bear  thia  wonderful  talking." 

only  Mya  '  Ltad '  no  far,  you  know.      Hu 
1  II  bring  h.  r  down  to  nee  you." 

•  n   ILuuanr  and  1  had    oaluted 
each  other,  1  *. 

I  uwy  aa  well  warn  you  at  once  tliat 
I  .Ion  i  l«4ieve  ahe  nolly  «ay»  '  1  ' 

••    doean't  beJieye    us,"   said  her 
mother,  smiling  laj ;  '•'••  11 

•how  him." 

She  sat  down,  and  put  the  baby  on 
- 

J, dad, dad,  dad 

I  Ktd,"  said  MABOEBT.    I  swear  it 


••  I  don't  think  much  of  tha- 
.  • 
echoed  Hunan. 


,..  . 

hat?  "I  said,  getting  ur-- 

"What's  l!i. 

•  1  in  going.     Y.ni'v  dnggtd  mi' 

false  pretonces. 

i^n't  talking     an  unnatur.J  and  | 
lik.-   n-|«iitioii   <-f  "n.-  wor-i 
mippose  for  a  momeiit  pin-  ondawtanda 
what   ch,-   I.H  KiyingV      IV.j.ni  Mippose 
:,,.,mi-nt   tliiit   tliin  in  .in\  thing  hut 

i.  •    • 
.•aa>-8'  Uncle  'too." 

t  n|>  .-sigerly. 

IMP    does  she  really  ?   do  on, 
I  d.m't  Jielicve  you." 

"1  taught  her.    I'ncle     uncle     uncle." 
'I  hen-  was  an  awful  i-il- 
•  ill  !  "  1  said. 

i,  Ril.y.  dc.  I*  a  dear.    You  km.« 
you  said  it  tiiis  inoriiing.     I'nde     uncle 


oke  hurriedly, 


•-W.ll.it  stl.  p 

,|I|.;-  i 

iby  and  1  In.ih  think  that 


une 

•  Cnr-rrr."  said  MABCERT. 

nig,"  I  went  on  sternly, 
it  is  alunrd  t"  -u).|-  M-  that  a  kdiy  uf 
liat  .  '  'Ik.  It  can  ivj.eat  one 

vord    in   .1  way,  perhaps, 

jut  any  p..  looghaw 

iad  that  child?1' 
months." 

"  And  yon  have  tr.iine<l  it  to  say  one 
»..nl    in   that    time.     Why.  Uie    most 
irdinary    j^irrot   in  average   health 
I'he  cliild'ti  hi-.ilth  in  gixxl.  I  Mipjxwe?" 
.lu.st  l.xik  !      Why,  you  haven't 
In    jH-rfcet    health,   as    I    thought, 
flu-n  l«-t  me  tell  you  that  the  most  nn- 
ntelligent  s..rt  of  macuw     in  indifferent 
i.-alth     ran  IK.-  taught  six  new  words  in 
i  wivk.     And  liad  that  child, 

who  is  as  well  as  anyone  could  lx>,  for 
nix  month*,  and  have  only  traimsl  her 
u>  say  one  w  'pi.     And  \   M  're  proud  of 
,v     gi««l  ll.-.u-eiiK1  lllgetajack- 

daw  to-morrow,  and  back  myitelf " 

She  pixvaed  MABGEKT'B  cheek  against 

Ml. 

"  \\  -;'>ing  to  be  compared  to 

a  naaty  jackdaw,  are  we,  dear  'i " 

"  If  1  alii  not  even  allowed  the  -iin|.I.-,l 
figure  of  np«rh,"    I  Ix-g-.i"  huffily     and 
.L  not  her  thuiight  struck  me.    "  Mow 
uianv  i  1,-ot '{" 

all  coming  I- 
•,'  in.my  t.-.-lh  has  she  got?" 

"  None,    actually,    at    proent ;     hut 

re  all  coming  beaut— 

"Tlf  :>  -tend  ahe 

can  talk  !      Why.  it  wouldn't  In-  natural. 

it    wouldn't    \"  It    Wiiidd    !"• 

extremely    forward    of    In  r.    and    I    am 

f.ir  sngg.-siing  it." 
She  and  MAWIKKY  still 

I     licr 

mother;  '  :  k  you 

a  favour,  Imt  I  dun't  tliink  we  shall 

"  If  you're  not  cnr  II  grmt  it. 

I  'm  in  a  dangerous  mood  just  now." 


':ilk 

'•  I    I 

'Talk.'' 

"Have  you  been  attending  at  all  t.. 
what  I  ha'vc  l"vn  saying?  1  j-oiuU-d 
out  --  " 

••  Now  that  she's  beginning  to  talk 
and   notice  things     and  so  on,  we  think 
that    it   would    I  if   you    really 

wouldn't  mind—  if  you  would  c.dl  her 
and  writ.-  to  her  .  s  '  M  MLIOIMK  '  which, 
after  all.  is  what  she  \\  m-d 

and   not    '  M  visiiKliY  '  as  y..ii  alu.ixs  ilo 

.-c  you're  the  only  one  who 
and  it's  just  that  sort  of  thing  that 
l.alii.s*  notice  and  it  would  make  h.-r 
wonder  why  you  were  different  from 
evcrylwdy  else  ami  ami  it  might  1»- 
awkward'  and  and  '  SI.- 

suddenly.  "And  that's  what  w<- 
thought,  didn't  we.  Hal 

-,.il  at  her  won.leringly. 
-  You   n-ally   are,"    I    said.  "  the 
extraordinary  woman  and  typical  moth,  r 
I  've  ever  met.     Why  awkward  ?" 

Not  awkward  exactly     only  1   think 
that  if  anylpody  has  a   M  name 

for  lluby  it  ought  to  be  me.  And 
when  we  christened  her  M.vnJomi:  we 

"1  pointed  out  at  the  time,  didn't  1. 
that  MARGERY  was  the  ].r..per  wa\  t.. 
spell  it?" 

"  Hut  then  he  never  could  spell,  could 

•\?" 

"  Well,  never  mind  that.     The  point 
is  that,  because  your  child  h:; 
word    of    thnv    letters   after 


one 

of  lalxirions  training,  you  are  afraid 
now  that  she  will  either  n-ad  my  letters 
to  you  and  her  father,  or  else  notice  the 
very  kiihtle  distinction  iu  pronunciation 
li.-twi-.-ii  '  .MviiurisY'  and  '  MAIUOIIIK.'  " 

"  t  i  if  you   put  it   like  that 

oh,    can't    you    set;?     Anyhow,    d 
you  will."  ' 

1   i..ik  a  turn  round   the  nxrni,  while 
-l.-r.-d  my  verdict. 

"Me1!,    going    to,    Baliy,"    Kiid    h.-r 
moth) 

il  right,"  I  .said  at  1 

i    .I.  ai  '       And    urn  'II    still    1"     a 
good  inn  1>-  lo  ! 

I    II    -  i,.  I  !,-  i    .,    I.-  mid  i..|.y   of   The 
Ijiii'g  <>ini  I'll/a  r  when   she  -• 

n  l-'r.-nch  with  only  tw 
if  that's   what    \ou    mean.       Now    hold 

•  11  a  nioii 

I    plac.-d  myself  dramatically  in    front 
of  her,  an-i  I    to   make  m. 

Well   spe«X-h. 

"  M  \  i:  .1  .111   eloijuently, 

"  it  givi«  me  ej  ire 

ro  vna  a  shriek,  and  then  an  out- 
'•f  tears.    1  turned  away  in  disgust. 
"  MM«;FJIY   would    never    have 
that,"  I  mid. 


MARCH  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


171 


GENERAL  HDBLEIOII-BIRD,  WHO  HAS  TAKEN  AN  EXPENSIVE  FISHING  FOR  THE  FIRST  MONTH  OF  THE  SEASON  ONLT, 

ARRIVES  AT  THE  BEST  POOL  ON  THE  BEAT. 


JOURNALISTIC  EVOLUTION. 

[Some  Reader-readers  have  been  discussing 

the  newspaper  of  the  future.] 
WHEN  motor-omnibuses  fly, 

And  when  their  time  is  reckoned 
From  Hampstead  Heath  to  Peckham  Rye 

At  less  than  half  a  second, 
What  kind  of  papers  shall  we  see? 

Folk  doubtless  still  will  need  them, 
Rut  there  will  hardly  ever  be 

A  breathing  space  to  read  them. 

The   Times  will  change  of  course,  we 
know, 

And  with  it,  one  supposes, 
The  halfpenny  press  will  undergo 

Complete  metamorphosis. 
Bedimmed  will  grow  our  shining  lamps  ; 

Unknown  to  future  ages 
The  dignified  repose  that  stamps 

Our  Daily-maily  pages. 

Their  cultured  calm  will  be  taboo, 
Nor  will  life's  fevered  fret  let 


The  reader  pause  to  linger  through 
The  leisured  leaderettelet. 

The  art  of  concentrating  thought 
Will  be  so  cultivated 

That  in  a  sentence  will  be  caught 
Whatever  should  be  stated. 

The  foreign  news  will  thus  be  far 
Alore  readable  and  shorter  ; 

A  line  will  satisfy  the  par- 
liamentary reporter ; 

When  HALDAKES  yet  unborn  discuss 
The  attenuated  red  line, 

The  quarter  column  read  by  us 
Will  dwindle  to  a  headline. 


"  There  have  been  no  less  than  1 07  hours 
3  minutes  more  sunshine  than  in  1905,  the  total 
being  158,025  hours." — Scarborough  Pout. 

BUT  is  it  quite  dignified  for  a  place 
that  enjoys  430  hours  of  sunshine  a 
day  to  stop  and  haggle  over  a  paltry 
3  minutes  in  this  way  ? 


Good   News  for  Mr.   Buzton. 

A  HARROGATE  correspondent  received 
the  following  from  her  watchmaker : — 

"Respectful  Madam, — We  have  pleasure  in 
forwarding  your  watch  by  this  evening's  post, 
which  is  now  going  satisfactory." 


A  Cabinet  of  Olympians. 
"  Tire  benevolence  and  impartiality  of 
the  British. Government. . .  have  brought 
blessing  and  benign  influence  on  the 
Colony;  and  as  a  result,  in  addition  tothe 
enjoyment  of  good  and  regular  weather 
here,  we  are  entirely  free  from  divine 
afflictions." — Straits  Settlements  Times. 


Theatrical  Note. 

WE  have  had  "  Mice  and  Men,"  and 
"  The  Country  Mouse,"  and  now  "Three 
Blind  Mice  "  is  on  the  bills.  Mr.  Punch 
suggests  to  some  Manager  who  is  bored 
by  so  many  mice  that  he  should  revive 
the  old  comedy,  "  Where 's  the  Cat  ?  " 


PUNCH,  OB  THK   l,nM»nN  CHABIVABI. 


[HAIKU  C.,  1'>»7. 


y  Arritnl. 
GdUn*  Yromai 
urns  aooc*!" 


OUR    YEOMANRY    BALL. 

'  Wnx,  wur  M  TOO  nni  or  nc  MOOUIIMC?" 
»"T   ns»  'c*  TIT.    THIY'T*   O»LT    oiv'    I 


r   Hrr.ijiw  made  a  violent  at  tad 
,.11  Thf  /Mi/i/  M«H  i"  the  Itcichstaj;   la-t 

week.    Sur.-ly.  if  rrer there WM  ju-tiii 

cation    f<T  a  il, vlar.itinii   of   war  ;•.. 

it  U. 

Canada  has  tired  of  servant-girl  immi 
grants,  according   to   an   official   of    thr 
|v.|iiini,.n  Coveruinent.  aii'l  a  demand  i- 
ii.. u    iM'ing   mail,-   for   "  well  l.red.   well 
,,1     well  mannered     Kn^lisli 
women    with    rclined   tastes  ami,  aU.vc 
niM  'in1  woiuK-rs  \vhi-thiT 

('anaila   wmilil    pcrliaj'S  • 
to  the  rescii,-  of  th.-  '»1,|  Country,  ami 
take    our    Suffra^i-tti-s.     Thry    ccitainly 


mauled  !•>•  I  .ion"  was  tin- 
heading  giTen   l»y   Tin'   !><iihj  .Yi'ir*  to 
an    item    laat    week.       A    well-known 
f.'ininist  write*  to   point  out   that  this 
is  tin-  latest  attempt  to  dfj.rive  1 
of  credit     Afl  a  matter  of  fact  it 
lioness  who  administered   the  punish- 
ment. __ 

tor  Ilall  has  been  puri-hasisl  l>y 
Messrs.  LTOKS.  Another  case  of  Chris 
tiiini  ad  leonc$.  _ 

The  ilan_  funning  bears  IMMHK 

led   about    the   country    lanes    IH    \v,-ll 
known,  an<l  now  a  man  has  been  s<  ' 
liy  a  travelling  ci 


ONI   o'   jur»«   'UK 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  end  of  the  world  IUM  been  pre- 
dicted M  the  probable  mult  of  m  reoeaUy- 
dMoowed  count  coining  into  contact 

the  earth.     Thi*  abuukl  at  leaat 

......  .  ... 

propoaed  abolition  of  the  HOUM  of  Lorda. 

We  nndmrtaivl  that1  if  ti,-  HOUM  of 
birds  ia  alxilinlu-l   it  will   }»•  I. . 
thwarted  the  wu»hc*  .  .f  t 


Itahould  bemtenettog  nnwtoaeewliether 

.1  I'ill  will    IM'  nitpilii, ••••I    to  di-fr.i' 
•  n  of  Lincolnshire. 

We  are  not  at  all  aure  that  the  Govern 
mi  ni  a  wiae  in  it.-  to  re-arm 

the  Auxil:  '.mi'  i  1:>-1|. 

think 

they  csogl  •  the  pp-i-nt  ridieu 

f   tin-   Vol  .•.•• .  r- 
would     I-  by    l.r 

•  chance. 


•rding  to  'I'll,-  Mirror,  moth  I 
-  one  of    Sn-ie!\'s   lati-t    hol.lii,.-.. 
..lice  that    many    wealthy   ]•• 
even    provide    fur    overcoats    for    their 
pote. 

An    individual    who    was    fouml    in 
another  man's  cuhicle  at    l.'owton    I 
with  a   liimV    ami   string   for   li.^hing   up 
trousers    has    been    sentenee<l     to    three 
nionths'   hard   lal«mr;  but   h: 
innlerMand.   i>  to   !«•   tak.  n    11).    liy    the 

Angl 

\V,  s.-,  MI  to  !«•  in  for  an  epidemic  of 
picture  theft-,  a  numlM-r  of  paintings 
having  Uvn  stolen  l.i.-t  week  from  a 
•  n  near  (  Iniiskirk.  In  con>e,iucnce 
of  tlii.-  the  j«.lice  are  Kiid  to  |.e  now 
kivpin;,'  a  <•!,«•  watch  on  all  Imr^lar.- 
wearing  art  ties. 

\Ve   are  -lad    to  HI-    that  the    <|n> 
of    tin-    deficiency     in     the     i 
"Ilieers    is    at    last     nveiving     attention. 
With   a   little   more   reserve  they   would 
not  be  so  ready  to  rush  into  print. 


We  hear  that,  at  the  opening  of  the 
NVw  Ruley.  when  someone  drew  a  sword 
for  the  purposes  of  the  accolade,  several 
ignorant  persons  imagined  that  an  old- 
fimhioned  execution  was  about  to  take 
I  !-i.  • 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAIMVAIM.     MARCH  (5,  ]'.M)7. 


MAKBLE  OR  FLESH? 

RIGHT  HON.  R.  B.  HALDANE  (as  PTOMALION).  "  0    SPIRIT    OF    PATRIOTISM,    HEAR    MY    PRAYER, 

AND  GIVE  MY  STATUE  LIFE!" 


C,,    I'.inT.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


175 


//  i» /(i  lm»  iW.vil  Jones  to  tea  at  lu:r  Club).  "So  AWFULLY  SORRY,  j  I  QUITE  FORGOT  I  HAD  A  'Down  WITH   MAN'  MKF.TIXQ.    HIT 

PLEASK   TAKE  A   SEAT  AND   HAKE  YOURSELF  COMFORTABLE.       WE   SHALL   ONLY   BE   ABOUT  AN   HOUR." 

[Jones  says  he  thinks  he  'II  go  and  do  some,  shopping. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

KxriIACTKD   FROJI    THE   DlARY   OF  ToilY,    H.I'. 

IInit.tr  of  <'i»niii'iiin,  .Miiinliii/,  I-\-b.  25. 
— NAPOLEON  B.  11  \I.K\NK,  whilst  in  many 
respects,  physical  and  intellectual, 
resembling  his  great  prototype,  differs 
from  him  on  one  point.  The  lirst  X  uii- 
I.KOX'S  bulletins  were  brief.  Tho  J'onrth 
NAIMI.KON  expounding  his  new  Army 
scheme  occupied  three  hours. 

Only  veterans  like  Ilo\v\i;i>  YixcKxr, 
accustomed  to  endurance  in  bivouac  or 
on  the  balllelielil,  \vere  able  to  sit  it,  out. 
Uis  dogged  ne.-s  more  eoinmendahlc  by 
reason  of  facl  ihai  just  now  his  m,usi\e 
mind  is  tronMed  by  problems  outside 
barracks  and  ramp.  'J'here  is  the  cir- 
cumstance of  WINSTON  ( 'in  i,viii[,r,,  at 
public  expense,  cabling  lo  Smith  Africa 
verbatim  reports  of  his  speeches,  finding 
room  for  a  little  postscript  from  the 
SKI KI:IAI:\  <>i  Si  \n:  by  way  of  justifying 
the  new  departure.  HOWARD  YIMT.YI 
means  to  get  at  the  bottom  of  that  trans- 
action. Had  on  the  paper  to-day  a  sort 
of  Shorter  Catechism  addressed  to  I'XDKK 
'.  VKY  FOR  COLONIES.  WINSTON,  who 
did  not  serve  in  Egypt  and  South 


Africa  for  nothing,  strategically  absent- 
Catechism  consequently  postponed. 

"  But  it  shall  be  administered,"  said 
ll"\v\KD  VIXCF.XT,  bringing  his  teeth 
together  with  that  ominous  click  familiar 
to  the  Queen's  Westminsters  when  under 
his  lead  they  storm  Primrose  Hill  or, 
deploying  along  the  Embankment, 
capture  an  empty  L.C.C.  tramcar.  . 

Another  difficulty  that  temporarily 
clouds  the  brain  of  tin-  founder  of  the 
United  Kmpire  Trade  league  what's 
become  of  it?  is  arithmetical.  Wants 
to  know  all  about  BRYCE  going  out  to 
Washington  as  the  Koto's  Ambassador. 
Why  was  the  salary  increased  to  £10,000 
a  year?  Who's  going  to  find  the 
money  ?  Will  BRYCE  during  sojourn  at 
Washington  pay  rent,  rates,  taxes,  cost 
of  coals,  light  and  morning  newspapers? 
Lastly,  has  any  arrangement  been  made 
i  iv  which  he  shall  retire  at  the  age  of  65? 

There 's  the  rub.  The  crafty  warrior 
of  Westminster, M  BELLAIUS,  familiar  with 
maritime  metaphor,  says,  knows  how  to 
adjust  the  sting  to  the  tail  of  the  tor- 
pedo. The  new  Ambassador  observed 
the  precaution  of  being  born  in  1838, 
thus  with  characteristic  prescience 


evading  the  difficulty  that  disturbs  the 
slumbers  of  the  gallant  Colonel.  <v>uite 
impossible  for  him  to  ''retire  at  the  ago 
•of  05."  Itistobo  hoped  example  thu>  set 
in  high  places  will  not  spread.  Jt  would 
be  a  nice  thing  for  the  country  if  wary 
civilians,  Generals  and  Admirals  made 
a  practice  of  not  entering  the  service  till 
after  they  were  (>">,  when  they  might 
snap  their  lingers  at  the  service  rule 
requiring  retirement  on  reaching  that 
age. 

It  is,  I  trust,  not  unforgivable  breach 
of  confidence  to  mention  that  it  wasappre- 

hension  of  this  custom  obtaining  that 
moved  llow.viili  Viv  rticiilarise 

the  initial  score  of  BIJYIT.'S  diplomacy. 

Amongst  civilians  L'KIXCK  AKIIUK  and 
ARNOLD-FoRSTER  sat  at  attention  during 
I  he  three  hours.  Fertunehas  led  tl 
steps  of  the  former  through  the  llowery 
meads  of  peace,  lie  never  ,-et  a  si|iia  Iron 
in  the  field,  and  of  the  directing  of  a 
battle  knows  no  more  than  a  suffragette. 
But  deep  down  in  his  heart  arc  hidden 
the  instincts  and  aspirations  of  a  Wan  of 
War.  When  in  office  there  was  no  part 
of  his  appointed  work  in  which  he  took 
keener  interest  than  the  Presidency  of 


PUNCH,   OR  T1IK   LONDON   CIIAKIYARI. 


0. 


the  Defence  OmmiHeft  On  a  day,  as 
we  all  remember,  he  came  down  to  House 
•ad  in  the  ear  of  lutonii 
demonstrated  the  impregnability  of 
Great  Driuin  against  invasion  across  the 
Channel  Thai  for  a  while  guve  pause 
to  potential  baodiu  at  Berlin  and  else- 
where.  But  the  Tariff  Quest  urn  routing 
up  be  had  not  time  to  pursue  lux  military 
stadias,  and  now,  aa  ne  aaid  the  other 
dar.  "  We  don't  know  where  we  arc." 

For  AOOLD  -  Foasrza  the  moments, 
quite  apart  from  their  continuous  length, 
wen  bitter.  At  the  War  Office  he 
succeeded  a  military  genius  who  created 
and  entrenched  (on  foolscap)  Six  Army 
Corpa.  lie  in  followed  by  another 
who  apologiaea  fur  the  propcaal  to 
create  seventy-four  new  battalions, 


haataning  to  explain  that  "  these  batta- 
i    . 


not  add  a  single  man  to  the 
establishment." 

•'  Wherein  they  resemble  BBODRICK'H 
Six  Army  Corps,"  ARNOLD  -  FOBSTO 
murmured  to  himself,  m"f«y|  at  his 
own  moderation  whilst  in  charge  of  the 
much  worried  Britiah  Anny. 

Businttt  do**.—  X.  B.  lUuusr.  ex- 
pounds rery  latest  scheme  of  Anny 
Reform. 

Tiit*ia<j  n'yht.  -When,  the  other  .lay. 
RmntALD  McKcou,  re-elected  unopposed 
in  Xorth  llnamouthshire,  took  the  aatli 
and,  instead  of  "  kiming  the  book  "  as 
they  do  in  Police  Courts,  osculated  the 
blushing  sheet  on  which  tin-  form  of  oath 
was  printed,  a  shudder  shook  the  stal- 
wart form  of  Lord  ROBOT  CECIL.  Though 


certainly  unusual, 
the  procedure  was 
explicable,  aa  was 
subsequently  made 
known,  by  access 
of  nervousness.  The 
new  Minister  <>f 
it  ion  is  con- 

•ig  nature 

denly  finding  il.-elf 
<t>n  fronted  l.y  a 
crowded  1! 

•IK'  welcome 
fruin  lx>ihsideti,waB 
temporarily  de- 
prfred  of  the  faculty 

I    l.y    I  In  HI/.-/ 

of  knowing  n  hawk 
from  a  handsaw. 

That  is  very  well 
in  the  way  of  cool 
reflection  or  subxe- 
quent    explanation. 
Lird     KonKRT 
alini|>tly    faced    by 
what,  to  the  s- 
live  n.iiii).  r,, iil.l  i.  ,| 
he  regarded  other- 
wise  than  an  a  warning. 


/ 

d 


A  HIST  TO  THE  MISTER  or  ELIBAXK. 

A«  be  never  forget*  bii  "  cue,"  why  not  play  the  p<uh-«troke 
up  to  the  Speaker  ? 


tie  knows 


•Ob.< 
I*****// 


•  will  K*pp«o  aow?' 
(Lcvd  R-b-rt  C«4) 


what  this  Ministn-  may  not  do.  It  was 
by  no  mcanp  out  of  keeping  with  their 
|.«.li<-y  on  the  Kiliication  qiieHtion  that  the 
Minister  should  carry  anti-sectarian 
prejudice  to  the  extent  of  declining  to 
kisa  the  Bible  during  the  working  hours 
of  the  Legislature,  adopting  the  compro- 
mise, smacking  of  the  Cowper-Tcmple 
clause,  of  saluting  the  form  of  oath 
conveniently  framed  on  cardboard. 

I»nl  Itonarr's  apprehension  was  in 
certain  measure  removed  by  the  explnna- 
tion  that  it  was  a  mere  accident,  a  fresh 
illustration  of  the  frequency  of  the  slip 
between  the  book  and  the  lip.  That 
the  portent  of  fronh  evil-doing  was  not 
alHMilutcly  unjustified  was  proved  by  the 
circumstance  that  to-night  the  new 
Minister  i. f  Kducation  comes  up  smiling, 
waving  an  olive  branch  in  the  dir. 
of  passive  resistors  seated  below  the 
( hafway.  As  I'KIXC r  Aitiin  it  was  .piick 
to  testify,  the  Hill  which  i«  symJx.li- 
tbai greenery  l>risth«  withcontn>\< 
(Kiints.  .Inns  1  >n .i<.v,  moving  restlessly 
on  his  seat,  would  dearly  have  liked 
to  say  a  few  words.  A  perfidious 
:iinent  linulked  intent  by  liriiiK- 
ing  in  the  Hill  under  what  is  known 
an  thn  ten  minute*'  rule.  |> 

•him     |KTeni|,t1.nly     barred,     there 
•       •        ••'••!'•;:  :i 

In  spue  .,(    I'RIJSCT  AimiiK'-i  ..I.  . 

:>   taking  a 

HiinTHti  da  ' 

>ef  of  passive  resisted. 

Friday  ni.jht.-  House  always  thought 

well  of  MASTTK  or  KUBAXK.    Pereonally 


popukr  on  both  sides.  At  a  stride  —  to 
be  precise,  at  succession  of  strides  —  he 
has  reached  height  of  eminence  rarely 
trod.  Commission'  <1  l.y  reason  of  hi* 
office  as  Comptroller  of  the  Household 
to  liring  in  His  MAJE8TTi''p  gracious  reply 
to  the  Address,  he  achirvi-d  the  task 
with  a  lithesome  grace  that  compelled 
admiration,  even  in  the  ranks  of  the 
Independent  Labour  Party,  who  say  they 
don't  care  for  that  sort  of  thing. 

To  outsider  the  business  seems  easy 
enough.  Only  those  realise  the  dilli- 
culty  who  through  the  ages  have  watched 
scores  of  practitioners.  First  of  all  you 
have  to  come  down  in  braid  daylight 
in  Windsor  uniform,  carrying  in  ri^ht 
hand  a  light  pole  painted  \\liit. 
;,'••.-!  inn  that  you  are  licnt  u|xin  turning 
up  incandi-scent  lights  in  rows  of  lamp 
posts.  Thus  arrayi-d  and  eipi 
you  slaml  at  the  liar  facing  a  crowded. 
.  At  --u:iiiu..iis  from 
adxam-i-  a  carefully 


-iipen-iliou- 

HMK.    \<HI 


orden-d  IlllllilM  r  ,  lap  y,,ni  heels 

logr-ther,  and.  for  greater  safety  holding 
O&  to  the  pole,  bow  low.  Ano  lln-r  advance. 
a  second  gennBexJon  at  thi-  Tahle,  and 

id  aloud  the  Ii'i.yal  Me- 
Up    to    now.   j.p'tty    straight    Kiiling. 
tillieulty  Itegii,  ,d  i.f  turn 

ing  alni  ut  with    friendly  farewell   no<l   at 
11    and    walking    out    of    the 
tMckwazda, 

itninting  I'not  audibly'/  your  steps  till 
you  reach  the  proper  distance  from  the 
Mace,  when  you  bow  low.  Tip- 
numlxT  »f  steps  repeated  should  bring 
you  to  the  liar,  where  you  halt  again. 
make  last  obeisance,  gratefully  turn  on 
your  heel  and  bolt. 


MARCH  G,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


177 


O- 


NAPOLEON  B.  HALDANE  AMONG  THE  RUINS  OF  BIIRODRlK. 
(Dimly  suggested  by  tlie  well-known  picture  by  O.  Clairin.) 


Walking  across  Niagara  on  a  tight- 
rope a  trifle  compared  with  thia.  Ex- 
perience of  many  forlorn  Admirals 
advanced  to  the  post  of  Black  Rod,  from 
time  to  time  despatched  with  messages 
to  the  Commons,  testifies  to  extremity  of 
difficulty.  More  than  one  old  salt, 
mopping  his  brow  on  returning  to  safe 
harbour  of  his  box  in  House  of  Lords, 
has  been  heard  to  murmur  preference 
for  walking  the  plank.  KI.IIUNK  took 
to  the  task  as  a  duck  takes  to  water. 
Nothing  so  near  in  approach  to  the  style 
and  grace  of  the  minuet  has  been  seen 
at  Westminster  within  the  memory  of 
the  oldest  inhabitant. 


Business  done. — Extension  to  Scotland 
of  Provision  of  Meals  Bill  discussed. 


Garden  Notes. 

"  ON  SALE,  CUIP  POTATO  PLANT."  —  Hudders- 
field  Examiner. 

The  Navy  Cut  Tobacco  Plant  and  the 
Stewed  Celery  Bed  may  bs  found  in  the 
same  department. 


OFF  TOR  PEOPLE'S  TRAMS,"  said 
the  yellow  placards  (significant  colour) 
on  The  Dally  News  Election  motors  last 
Saturday.  But  that  is  just  what  every- 
body has  been  doing  on  the  Embank- 
ment. 


FUOM  a  short  story  in  The  Leader  :  — 

"The  Vicar  of  Llanprisc  having  interested 
himself  iu  the  selling  of  the  treasure,  the  articles 
were  discovered  to  1)3  temple  vessels  of  prlcdeu 
Eastern  workmanship,  and  a  th-tusand  piunds 
were  at  length  hambd  over  to  Mag." 

The  italics  are  ours,  but  the  huge  com- 
mission presumably  went  to  the  Vicar. 

"  Two  collisions  took  place  between  Charing 
Cros-i  ;m<l  the  Houses  of  Parliament  during  the 
morning." — Daily  Chronicle. 

So  many  collisions  have  occurred  lately 
vn  the  two  Houses  that  it  is  indeed 
pleasant  to  find  them  combining  in  this 
way  against  a  common  enemy. 


1TNVH,   OR  TUB   LONDON   CIIAIMV.MM. 


6,  i '.">:. 


II!  I   TIIK   IIA<. 

• 

UMU  qmrtiooi  coorprninx  Ulrrarjr  Copyright 
•KJ.UI...I  Uih«-..T».i,«i,.[  war  tinmen  nation* 
bal  (toll  IT  *HlM  \y  arbitration.] 

To-IUY  a  II Km- 

I*  off  my  ctilti\atcil  liiiml. 

-her  :iir. 
relief.  I  fiml 

jealous  nnti< -n H  will  nut  tight 
'  ijht. 

\\  !  rve, 

irrivc  a  day 

ill  curse 

unpretentious  lay. 
II.  with  reason,  aim 

mat" 
An.!  nrred 

.1  sk\    MIL    i  •  in  :l  uiul 
(•Mr  .  .ril 

Will  .  rilirial  liaiul. 

"These  rhymes  shall  never  I >c,"  1  rriiil, 
lor  homicide." 

I'i)  l<.in.i>  \.  I  fe.ir.d.  would  take 
A  nnr.icli'  of  polished  wit 
I-M  mi  n  -  ••  ti.i-  and  make 

•V/i  out  nf  it. 

InfoniMsl  I iy  precedent,  I  knew 
What  -kill.-l  diplomatists  can  do. 

.^illative  • 

jivted  (|uitc  a  milliim  men 
<  in  I  ...til.   I, eld,  and  saw  them  die 

rvivinj;.  now  and  t! 
Aii-l  n>  '.  infr<t|ui'iitly  I  swore 
To  !«•  humane  anil  write  no  more. 

Hut.  now.  1  ha\v  nn  mt-1  to  plagiu> 
M\  >  l-oint  of  lilotxl  ; 

r.-ly  n|..ii  tin-  Habile 
To  ni|>  that  jwril  in  tin-  luiil. 
And  th. it  if  why  I  nit  at  rase 
Ami  write  exactly  what  I  ph 


TIIK   1. 1  ACK  (>F  F.TON. 

'•t-  -t   has  been  exciti-<l   in 

iilin  .iii-.ii..l  rin-li-H  I  iy  tin-  announce!...  m 

•In-    II' ...In,.!--  n    in    now 

:ist     thl>      - 

with    tin- 
In    an   inliTvicw   with   The 
•I..  I  In  id  master 

grounds.    "  II  tin-  li  ft  xiih-  was  not  as 

f  tli.- 
drain   wan  i    il,. 

wnuM   !»•  n.. 

I  'r 
C.    II 

*    with    a    /'r. 


live   lost  Kri'l.iy    infonmtl    him    that   a 

in-tnictinK  orRan   ami 

pbnufortc  {.npils  in  il.--  masterr  of  the 

,ird  had  for  aevernl  month.- 
|.nt    into  practice  with  the  most  satis- 
factory results. 

It  appears  that  Canon   tin-   II  M.    K 
LTTTELTOS  is  a  great  believer  in  nasal 
evelopment  as  a  n  ni-.iimn.nt  ofaatwaa] 
-tVn -ii-ncy.       Tin-    iHiki-   of    \Vnil\i.li.v. 
author   of    tin-    historic    tribute    to    tin- 
value  of   I'hvMcal  cultnn-  at    Kton,  un 
.|..iiliir.lly  owed  his  success  ami 
l.irity   in   a    Jfn'at    rneasuri-  to    th.- 
ami    con fimir.it ion    of    his    niwe.      The 
t-robli-ni.    then,    to    U-    coii-i<liTi-«l    was 
how  to  devise  some  snital.le  cM-n-i^.-  t>. 
promote    the   ex]<ansiiin    of   the    human 
Canon   LTTTKI.TON  appealed 


UT  THE  KAMKI'K  OIDCM  OKLT  CERMAX  CIIAK- 
IX  TO  BE  MUXK  ST  THE  OITICEBM  Of  HIM 
AIMT.    WE  rutir.ixTtxb  THAT  nil  NEW*  MAX  BEEN 

tETEITEO  Wmi   JUT    BT  TEMrEIAXrE    KCTOBIIEU. 


in  vaintollerrSiXDow  an. I  to 
rvprmenUiti  •  -    of    ('..ncholojfy    at    tin- 

At    l.i-t.    however,  while 

reading  the  life  of  MEXDElMoirs  he  i-.nin- 

across  an  sirnxkHf  relating  h<>w  die 
f.iiiions  n.imician  raoceedi'l  in  |  L>  int;  a 
chord  of  eleven  in  •  'iikniK'  one 

with  ' 

kiiiK   ii|<.n   thi-ne  lim-M    Pr.  I 
has    T.  -cd     a    Ky>l.-m     entitled 

y  which  all  ])iipils  taking 
IfWOnS  on  the  instr  .mitl  aU.\e 

will  )»•  ol.;  ,nally 

with  their  lui^r-rx.      Indiitl,  tln-ri 

i|i].|e 
who  has  ;<  h   n   pitch  of 

llflll   i-ont 


.Me   t.i  .-trike    the    ;  'h    his 

;tJns,'   th<>   manuals   with 

his     f..l.        l>r.     l.|ou>.     ho  \ve\iT,     was 

ciireful    t.i    add    that    lli-  •    with 

which  the  new  scheme   had    met  a' 

:  .ill  'I  less   line    to   t!  .nally 

I  ro|mrtii.n  of  K,\s  with  aristocnitic 

noses;    it    l.\     no    mi-ans    followed    that 

is|iially    rxhilaratin^    n-ults    would    U- 

ittaincd   at    j.rimary   or    c\ci! 


h    if  T|  r-.     |  '.  asanf    t..    learn    that    the 
iinprovemeiit  of  the  |  "f  l-'.loniali 

noses     which    has    attended    the    • 

and    hnmai 

(HTiment      has  iilined     to 

.|iiantit\.  lint  is  manifested  in  quality 
as  well.  I  toko  jiu-jitsu  -  tin- 

sense  of  smell   to  such  an   extraordinary 
pitch  of  aeutene-s  that  I  'anon    I  A  I  . 
Ems    £<>«d     IIO|M  ,n_;     the 

•  il  of   tin-  iu    a  wa\ 

which  will  at  once  s;itisfy  tlie  eM^i-ncies 
of  humanitarian  critics  and  the  demands 
of  lovers  ..f  -port. 

1'nder  the  new  n:</i;m-  the  1" 
will  |M.  replaced  by  a  pack  of  specially 
Irainnl  Ixiys  who  will  follow  the  dra^ 
nt.  and.  in  order  to  complete  the 
illusion,  will  run  on  all  fours,  a  method 
likely  to  prove  of  ilium  n-.-  p  radical 

value  to  such  pupils  as  subsequently 
enter  the  army  and  lake  part  in  warfare 
in  the  jungle. 

Simultaneously  with  the  cult  of  ambi- 
:ty  and  nax  imaxillary  gymnastics 
Canon  LTrTELTOH  has  very  wisely  deter- 
mined to  eiicourap1  his  scholars  in 
ar<|niriiiK  prehensile  skill  with  their 
fe<-t.  As  he  puts  it.  why  should  we, 
the  heirs  of  all  the  aif<s.  allow  om 
in  )M'  outclassed  l>y  arl  ..n-al  man  '? 
Acting  on  this  principle  the  drawing- 
master  has  already  i  in  leach- 

ing seventeen  oppid.ms  to  paint  with 
their  toes,  and  a  d.i-s  f,  ,r  instruction 
in  the  «ir«i/c,  rei-ently  il  the 

gymnasium  under  the  SUJMTX  i-ion  of  a 
French  Professor,  bids  fair  to  produce 
momentous  results  in  the  llueby  ^ame 
which  henceforth  is  to  be  pla\ed  a: 


Ordered  South. 

i:    S  M.K       IU-.|M.-;I.|  ;    in... 
ilniwrr"  :   BBSlU*  tip  WSShsUud  ;   . 
-Mr. 

Mr   I'm-  with  the  adver- 

i  his  iiidis|K«sitioii.  and  hop. 

B  him 
to  health.      

•xenon,  nihl  if  ibejr  K<  t  ili.-n-  il 
-I- .  i  ..I   »..rkiii. 

Tin  \  h.v.  d  man  iu  t  he  off- ice 

to  think  of  things  like  this.      ||,-   h.is   a 

r'-.lll    to    him  -elf.  and    110  INK]  y     l^     ..II 

owed    to    dis  luib  him.        K    lie    not    a 
i  lev  er  man  ''. 


MARCH  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


179 


AIRS    OF    AN    EXILE. 

I.— TIIE  START. 

FANKWKI.I,,  my  Country  !    somehow  there's  a  hollow 

King  in  that  trite  hut  pregnant  word  "Farewell"  ; 
E'en  such  a  chill  as  pierced  the  previous  swallow, 

When  summer  failed  to  occupy  the  dell. 
1\>  climates  where  professional  congestion  is 

Less  obvious  than  in  London  I  must  flee ; 
You  '11  fare  all  right ;  the  all-important  question  is 

How,  so  to  speak,  will  things  pan  out  lor  me  ? 

Far  westward,  where  the  wonderful  Pacific 

On  Santa  Barbara's  beach  in  thunder  breaks, 
Where  oranges  and  earthquakes  are  prolific, 

And  "  dead-beat "  Britishers  are  no  great  shakes, 
I  shall  be  found  beneath  the  spangled  banner, 

Lending  distinction  to  an  office  stool, 
Expectorating  in  the  local  manner, 

And  cursing  HORACE  GREELEY  for  a  fool. 

Or  like  the  stile-lorn*  emigrant  of  Erin, 

I  shall  embellish  a  policeman's  club  ; 
Sell  real  estate  or  round  the  nimble  steer  in 

A  desert  strewn  with  rattlesnakes  and  scrub  ; 
Learn  in  some  mining  camp  what  ROOSEVELT  teaches 

Touching  the  beauties  of  the  strenuous  life  ; 
Grow  ferret-faced  and  dislocate  my  breeches 

With  a  six-shooter  or  a  bowie-knife. 

And  you,  dear  land  from  whom  a  dearth  of  "  sinews  " 

Bids  me  reluctantly  to  evanesce, 
Concerning  you,  what  meagre  stream  of  thin  news 

Will  filter  slowly  through  the  local  Press  ? 
How  I  shall  pore,  agog  with  expectation, 

Over  a  Times  of  antiquated  date, 
Slaking  a  well-kept  thirst  for  information 

On  "  Latest  Football  News  "  or  "Lords'  Debate." 

But  that  won't  last :  a  year  or  two  will  find  me 

Making  a  modest  but  sufficient  pile, 
Unhaunted  by  the  land  I  left  behind  me, 

And  pressing  home  the  common  search  for  "  ile  "  ; 
Hunting  the  grizzly  on  the  steep  sierras, 

When  things  are  slack,  and  I  can  get  away ; 
Watching  the  Tuna  leap  into  the  air  as 

He  tows  my  launch  round  Catalina's  bay. 

Oh,  yes,  I'll  do  all  right,  when  I've  forgotten 

The  pleasant  days  that  now  so  quickly  flee ; 
But  0  my  England,  shall  I  ever  cotton 

To  Uncle  Sam  as  I  have  done  to  thee  ? 
Farewell !  again  ;  a  heavy-hearted  exile 

Sheds  a  moist  tribute  from  his  furtive  eye ; 
To-morrow  from  the  ship's  departing  decks  I  '11 

Bid  thee  a  long,  a  passionate  good-bye. 

Ay,  and  as  night  draws  down  and  o'er  the  Channel 

From  west  to  east  the  Lizard  winks  and  wheels, 
When  the  tried  sailor  dons  a  thicker  flannel 

And  takes  a  livelier  interest  in  his  meals, 
A  sea-green  form  •;,-ill  totter  to  its  cabin, 

Seeking  from  agony  a  short  relief ; 
A  voice  will  murmur,  "  This  the  final  stab  in 

A  heart  already  paralysed  with  grief !  "  ALGOL. 

•  "  I  'm  sitting  on  the  stile,  MART, 
Where  we  sat  side  by  side." 

The  Emigrant's  Farewell, 


First  Youthful  Briton  (watching  football  match).  "  FANOT  ME  AND 
rou  WASTIN'  OUR  SATURDAY  AFTERNOONS  MESSIS'  ABOUT  WITH  A  RIFLE. 
En,  WHAT  ?  " 

Second  ditto.  "  NOT  us ! " 


"COLD  MEAT,  AND  HOW  TO  DISGUISE  IT." 

[Being  the  title  of  a  brochure  by  Mr.  M.  G.  RATTRAT,  Diplome1  of  the 
National  Training  School  of  Cookery.] 

A  LONG-AWAITED  work,  under  the  above  title,  has  recently 
made  its  appearance.  Without  looking,  we  should  guess 
that  it  contains  something  like  the  following : — 

A  HAM. — Many  a  shy  ham  is  aching  to  take  a  quiet  stroll 
out  of  doors,  but  perhaps  fears  to  be  stared  at ;  and  to  all 
such  the  question  of  means  for  concealing  their  identity  must 
be  one  of  absorbing  interest.  It  is  difficult  to  say  exactly 
what  disguise  a  ham  should  adopt,  as  the  outlines  of  its  figure 
are  almost  certain  to  be  recognised  through  any  ordinary 
travestie.  It  will  be  apparent,  however,  to  the  dullest  of 
hams  that  the  first  precaution  is  to  leave  one's  frill  in  the 
larder,  as  this  conspicuous  neck-wear  would  at  once  betray 
the  wearer.  For  the  rest,  a  domino  of  some  quiet  colour, 
with  its  accompanying  loup  (or  little  black  mask)  to  hide  the 
features,  should  afford  concealment.  Finally,  avoid  being 
seen  in  the  company  of  a  cold  chicken,  as  the  association 
woiild  be  apt  to  arouse  suspicion. 

FEW  people  appreciate  the  full  force  of  the  arguments 
against  which  our  Tariff  Reformers  have  to  contend.  Thus : 

Canvasser  in  the  Brigg  Division.  Then  you  will  vote  for  Sir 
BERKELEY  SHEFFIELD  ? 

Labourer.  No,  'e  's  for  Fiscal  Reform. 

Canvasser.  But,  my  good  man,  Fiscal  Reform  is  just  the 
thing  that  you  want. 

Labourer.  I  know  it  isn't,  then.  It  '11  make  us  all  have  to 
be  vaccinated. 


PUNCH,   OR  THK  LONDON  CHAKIN  AIM. 


i  C,.   I:m7. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Funch'i  Sto/  of  Learned 


tie    would    nexer    have    parti-d    fnmi    .Ui-.<    />n    t'nnt    as 
lie  <li'l.  


MK.  Eo«   PBtLUoTW  aims  very  high    in    his  n.-xv    iMrt 
moor  tragedy.  J7u»  rVUrbsM  (CHAMIAS  AM.  HAUL).    If  h«- 
fails  of  a  perfect  success,  it  is  due  to  iii.prol...l.ihty  m  the 
motives  of  two ,  iracters.    The  half-pagan  1  xe 

ispires  his  Sarah  Jane  to  rebel  against  her 
.  orthodoxy  is  not  sufficient  in  it-elf  to  explain 
n  whom  she  always  loves  best 

in  her  heart.     Further  inducements  have  therefore  to  be 
found  in  a  kind  of  dislocated  altruism  which  seeks  at  once  to 
happiness  on  the  lover  ami  to  secure  his  psti 
.«!  services  for  the  husband.    TbJs  complexity  of  moUve, 
able  enough  in  a  person  of  highly-wrought  imagiim- 
.11  consoiiani-e   with  the  uphrmging  of  this 
,,f  the  Noil.     Again,  it  is  asking  too  much  of  our 
i-nilulity  to  \vai  •    that  her  lover,  after  quickly 

d    cliarms.  should   develop,   and    mam 

,;,;„    ,  -trong  spiritual  passion    for    her  soul; 

,mg    the    fre.-  attitude  of    thought 

which  xxac  among  his  chief  attractions  for  her,  and  becoming 
as    orthodox    as    her    hilslund.      llowex.-r.    these    pro- 
-.,,-le  to  the  author,  and    In 
forward  to  his  i-onclu- 
ind  unflinching 
ige. 

\-  .,  -]-••  i.di-t  in  tin-  land- 
f  tin-  U-xoii  Mi«>n*.  Mr. 
hmuiTisshows  a  pardonable 
iii-Mi  to  spread  himself 
in  d.Hach.-d  wvnic  essays; 
always  eloquent,  but  sonie- 
times  overstepping  the  limits 
proper  to  a  background.  On 
the  other  band  one  can  never 
have  t.».  niurh  of  his  local 
"souk."  In  these  minor  char- 
arUiK  he  touches  the  very  top 
of  humour  the  true  Knglish 
kind,  natural  and  iinstram.il. 
Finally,  if  1  l>ad  had  the  ~ 

thought    of    writing   .Mum   Dede  or    Tt*»    of   the 
hhu«M  not  a  bit  mind  being  mistaken  for 
the  author  of  7/«  11  /n'r/irim/. 

I  am  sun- that  when  Miss  MAOUuaiiAN  was  writing  The 

I  Hi  I 'line  she  never  guessed  that    she  was 

t  at  dinner  a  real  memlx-r  of  Tin-  Time*  Book 

riul.  Coiiiinitlii-.  and  that  her  conversation  xvith  him  would 

tlifully    nport.-d    to    Mr.    lli»rui.      Hut    these    things 

having  actually  happened   a  one-and-tenpenny   Lit.  r  fn m 

the  Manager  to  call  attention  to  the  goings  on  of  the  1 

r  I UUXEMAXX  was,  of  course,  a  certainty.     NOW  to  the 

•  *-0»  who  take  their  orders  from  Mr    1 1- --in. 

I  have  nothing  tt,say;   I  know  that-  in  tin-  word*  of  th. 

old  joke—when  FatnW.j^ys  "Turn"  they  all  turn.    Hut  to 

the    few    million   others  J  do   strongly    recommend    Miss 

xx's  story.     It  <  t.  ^-m*  itself  with  a  house-party 

i.  and  every  menu  r  .  f    that    party   is  a  real 

liuiuan   being;   no  stage  dummy  need  apply.     <  me 

however,   is  not  described   at   all     This 

is  Miss  MAOMOHTAX    herself.      It  i*  useless    for   h.-r    to 

pretend  Uiat  she  was  not  i  km  w  she  was.     I: 

r,  just  "  i 

1  m  the  end  she  knew  more  characters 

•lests  than   they   did    tl  And    had 

..n   only  wni.il.1"  enough   to  have  talked   i 
U  and  sympathetically  with   Miss  MACHV 


a   f.-w  •   tl"1   /•'/'•  "'• 

;i.,l    l,\   l.i.ly  lU'.rn    lUi.C'i  R,  I    '•••  IS   -truck    I.-. 
Si'r   nwi  s    I'"  KXE.       Wli.-n    l/.id    \. 
accept  I'd  the  )«»t  of  Vii'iT.y  of  India,  his  lirst  impul 
secure  Sir  O»-KN  as   IVi\.it>-  Si-ivtary.au  otlici-  in  which   he 
served  Lord  Moo.    Sir'huv  was  at  the  time  honourably 

and  comfortably  in-l.illcd  M  I'olitieal  and    -  ry  at 

the    India  Otluv.  a  [MK!    which    brought   him   into   inti: 


ANIMAL 

TIAIXINQ  rot  nit 


SPIRITS. 

GRAXD  NATIONAL 


relations  with  the  hit-    "  -xi  ism  HY.  then  - 

The  India   Ollice  reluctantly  lent   1  ,   the 

understanding  that  his  al.sence  should    IM-   t.-mporary.      I/r.l 

-tify  to  his  regret  at  th.- -."..-ranee 

of  the  conmvtion  at  the  end  of  two  years.      Not   lieiiig  a  hird. 
Sir  OWKS  could   not  at   the   same   time    l.e   in   Calcutta  and 
ly.ndon.  and  was    joyfully  nivix.-d   on    return   to   his   form-T 
post.     In  his  Mi-iiii>rii-i  i  A i:\oi !.   his  almost  fanatical  1111^: 
cannot  ob-cure  the  fact    that    the    preference   of    I/ml    I.VlloS 
xxas  shared  liy  all  who  came  in  mutact  with  him.      Win  n.  \.  r 
a  man  WB8 appointed  to  supreme  command  at  home  oral.: 
he    wanteil    to    have    <  >vu.s    Hi  n\i:   at    his   right    hand.     Sir 
IUXIA'-    personal    predil.-ctiou  drew    him    to    the   army.      He 
joined    it    in    youth,    saw    haul  luring    the    Indian 

Mutiny,  and  r.-se   to  the  rank 
of    Major  (  ieueral.      Hut 
.-    Viceroys    and     S 
..f   State  elaimi-il  him  as 
their    own,    and     the     greater 
jiart  of   a    long    stirring    life 
xv. is     spent     in     the     political 

s,T\  : 

lie  fore    his    steps   were 

finally     turned      aside     from 
soldiering    he    served    as 
A.-D.-C.    to    Sir    Hi  i. M    ROSE, 
Commander  of  the   Foi. 
Ireland.      This  xva-    just   forty 

ago.      It    is    inter 
and   informing  at  the  pi 
juncture     to     learn     that    Sir 
111  i. II.     lirought     face     to     face 

with  the  difficulty  of  the  government  of  Ireland,  attempted 
to  square  the  circle.  His  scheme,  set  forth  in  pp.  Tt'i.  77. 
will,  I  venture  to  say  at  the  peril  of  prophesying  where 
I  don't  know,  be  found  curiously  like  the  one  aliout  to  he 
suhmitted  to  Parliament  liy  the  pr.  ••rnment. 

SirOwK.x  washy  IjnrdM  AMI'S  side  \\ln-n  be  was  assassinated 
in    the    Andaman"    Islands.       t  if    that    and    other    historical 
cxciita  he  supplies   graphic   narrative,     lie   has  a   ki-en 
for  a   gi.i.1    story,  and    tells    many.      Hut    why    provokr 
cut    short  the  one  alxmt    his  gi-tting  into   thexxroiig  bedl 
when   n-tiring  to  n-st  on  a  visit  toH-Lorue?     \Va-   the  lady 
"  in  x.-llo-.x  curl  p.i| 

Some  of  n  -ha-,.   | ililx  forgotten  that  the  art  of  "  Iv.ttaljOS  " 

.the  liquid  .pioit.-.  nl  it'i  ./i. -urn.  of  ancient  Sicily1  i  ..n-i-ted 
in  (..--uii;  dregs  of  wine  into  a  metal  scale  so  B8  tO  produce 
.1  .  l.-.ir  ringii  urine.  Tin-  name 

i    t..   a    niiietifiiili-cciitury  nit.scell.iny   to  which   tlie 
and     sci  T     ( '.    I  •.    wen-    x\<>nt      to    c-ont  riliul'- 

.ling  effusions  in   pp-e  aii'l  I'lie  cream  of  ' 

dre;-  'I    in    Ireland'   has   lui-n    skimmed    liy 

l'i     TuMit.i.l.   and    Sir    l'".|.xx  xlin    Sillivxv    and    published    liy 
ider  the  title  of  /-.Y/i".  .-•  ii-mit  /x'..//./'..i< ;  and 
:-g   sip]'.-d  theri-of  xvith  much  gusto  I  have  no  hesitation 
ving  thai  i,-;  of    liiililiu  stout  give  (juite  as 

merry  and  clear  a  ring  as  similar  jets  de  mot»  of  Cambridge 
audit  and  Oxford  small  boer. 


M  M!< MI  1.".,  l'.)07.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


CHARIVARIA. 

Two  pairs  of  men's  trousers  have 
been  foiinil  insiilr  a  shark  which  was 
discovered  mi  tilt1  beach  at  an  Anstra 
liaii  seaside  resort,  and  it  is  supposed 
I  hat  I  he  creature  had  been  leading  a 
double  life. 


Father    YAI-CHAN 
fascinating 


lias,  in  one  at  his 
sermons  on  "  The  Sins  of 
Society"  dealing  especially  with  Tara- 
diddles, surprised  everyone  by  granting 
a  dispensation  to  such  persons  as  are 
"  Not  at  home "  when  visitors  call. 
We  had  always  imagined  that  to  be 
found  out  was  breaking  the  eleventh 
commandment. 


discovered,  last  week,  to  be  missing  at 
a  \Voking  hotel.  A  man  who  had 
retired  to  rest  early  on  the  previous 
night  also  disappeared.  Jt  is  thought 
that  ho  too  may  have  been  stolen. 

"Two  Japanese  doctors,"  says  The 
/•.'in* /'/;;/  Miiii<ltir<l,  "had  a  dispute  about 
the  ownership  of  a  dog,  which  they  hail 
been  trying  to  settle  in  the  law  courts 
for  over  two  years."  It  certainly  seems 
a  queer  place  in  which  to  settle  a  dog, 
although  we  suppose  there  is  no  reason 
why  there  should  not  be  Dogs  of  Law 
as  well  as  Dogs  of  War. 

"  The  Automobile  Club,"  says  Truth, 


that 
last. 


the  cobbler  will  not  stick  to  his 


"  Since  1880,"  says  our  dear  old 
friend  Tin'  I  hilly  News,  "much  water 
has  llown  under  London  Bridge."  On 
the  backs  of  flying  canards,  we  presume. 

The  fact  that  a  young  lady  of  Florence, 
New  Jersey,  U.S.A.,  almost  lost  her  life 
as  the  result  of  laughing  immoderately 
for  eight  hours  at  a  joke  which  was  made 
to  her  has,  we  note,  made  the  American 


comic  papers  even 
usual. 


more  cautious  than 


There  is  nothing  like  taking 
time  by  the  forelock.  One 
IVer  at.  least  is  evidently  no 
believer  ill  the  stability  of 
the  House  of  Lords.  Lord 
OTlAGAN  has  just  become  a 
member  of  the  Huvering-atte- 
Bower  (Essex)  Parish  Council. 

The  reason  why  the  novels 
of  Mr.  SllAS  HoCKINIi  lack 
humour  is  now  apparent.  This 
great  romancer  reserves  his 
fun  for  his  speeches.  "The 
House  of  Lords,"  he  declared 
last  week,  "  is  com  posed  of  ante- 
diluvian fossils,  who  breathe 
an  atmosphere  in  which  free- 
dom cannot,  live,  and  is  a 
House  largely  replenished  by 
the  plutocrats  of  the  drink 
ring  and  the  gutter  press." 
Sil.\s  is  a  dear  old  fellow,  and 
we  hope  he  will  make  lots 
more  speeches. 


/»('(•  \\'i-lt  am  Montnf/  dis- 
closes a  plot  by  Great  Britain, 
France,  and  Italy,  to  slice  up 
Turkey  on  the  Si  I.TAN'S  death, 
and  leave  Germany  without 
a  share.  It  is  not  true,  but  it  would  be 
a  great  joke  to  do  it.  . 


According  to  an  article  in  The  Reader, 
Sir  HEOTIY  CAMPBELI^BANNER- 
MAN  is  fond  of  a  joke.  So, 
apparently,  is  General  BOTHA. 
It  is  said  that  the  General  does 
not  intend  to  abolish  Chinese 
labour  on  the  Hand. 


There  is  a  peculiarly  \m- 
fortunate  misprint  in  the 
following  paragraph  which  is 
said  to  have  appeared  in  a 
provincial  contemporary: — 
"A  steamer  to  be  known  as 
the  (ieonje  WathingtoA  has 
been  ordered  by  the  Hamburg- 
Amerika  Company.  It,  will 
be  the  biggest  transatlantic 
liar  afloat." 

The  Suffragette  who,  after 
having  breakfasted  at  the 
Eustace  Miles  Restaurant, 
declared  that  she  would  not 
mind  going  back  to  Holloway, 
was  wanting  in  true  tact. 


,.»*' 


THE    HANDY    MAN. 


Tlie  Visitor.   "Yr.s,   MY   'USBAND   is  VERY   'ANDY.     'E    UENDED  THE 

dVMHi   CI.IH-K   THE  OTHER   DAY;    BUT   IT  AIN'T  QUITE    BIGHT    YET.        IT    DOS 

1IEKOHK    IT   ITCKS!  " 


Indeed,  in  this  very  connection,  The 

Ihiih/  .  \Inil  has  not  been  slow  to  retort 
on  the  German  Chancellor  for  his  recent 
attack.  Our  gallant  little  contemporary  is 
now  beginning  to  undermine  Germany's 
influence  with  Turkey,  and  has  already 
succeeded  in  obtaining  from  the  SllLTAN 
the  concession  that  he  likes  Englishmen. 

Reading   in  her  newspaper   that  the 


Hag    of 
Aunint 


the    Admiral    of    the   Fleet.   Sir 


\\"n.so\,  was  struck  on  II.  M.S. 
last  week,  a  dear  old  lady 
writes  to  ask  why  our  mastheads  are  not 
fitted  with  lightning  conductors. 


Jewellery   to  the   value  of   £70   was 


"has  prepared  a  new  system  of  handi- 
capping for  hill-climbing  competitions, 
but  the  details  are  so  complicated  that 
one  requires  to  be  a  PORSON  or  a  Ton- 
to  understand  them."  The  hill 


The.  Manehenter  Guardian 
gives  publicity  to  the  follow- 
ing :— 

THE  TRANSVAAL 

SWEARING  IN  THE  NEW  CABINET. 
THEY  are  beginning  early. 


to  be  climbed  is,  we  suppose,  Parnassus. 
Otherwise,  why  PoiiSON? 

At  Paris  there  has  been  founded  a 
school  to  teach  "the  art  of  breathing 
while  driving  in  a  motor-car  at  all 
speeds."  What  we  want  is  a  school  to 
teach  the  art  of  breathing  after  you  have 
l>een  driven  over  by  a  motor-car. 

Mr.  ARROWS  M  mi  has  published  a  little 
book  of  verses  written  by  a  West 
Country  Cobbler.  They  are  so  good 
that  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  this  volume 
will  be  the  forerunner  of  others,  and 


AN  "agony"  in  The  Morning  Lemlcr: 

"  OWNEY. — As  other  half  gone— is  other  lady 
mother. — J." 

In  the  circumstances  you  mention,  J., 
certainly.  What  a  ridiculous  question 
to  ask ! 

THERE  is  trouble  in  Inverness  to-day, 
all  along  of  the  Hiijliliml  Times  "Lady 
Correspondent,"  who  must  be  more  care- 
ful in  future.  In  her  comments  on  the 
Lovat  Scouts'  Ball  she  says  (and  we 
venture  to  italicise  the  important  words) : 

"  Miss  F.  of  M.  looked  handsome  .  .  .  Miss  M. 
icas  handsome  .  .  .  Miss  D.  B.  looked  pretty 
.  . .  Miss  H.  H.  iras  pretty  .  .  ." 

And  so  on,  all  down  the  page.  Very 
careless  indeed. 


VOL.  exxxn. 


IU 


PUNCH,  OK   TIIK   l.«»M»nN   CHARIVARI. 


[Hun 


l'.K)7. 


MONARCHS    OF    THE     STAGE. 

1     s.r..L«o«  arm  Dcu  or 

II.— Ax  lso«  KIM  AT  rue  8r.  JABM'S. 
I. 

TOOK  seems  to  be  no  positive  finality 
about  the  last  phases  of  Ntruunx. 
<  inly  the  other  day  he  wits  being  counter 
fatted  by  /Vfrr  1'nn.  and  now  up  lu- 
st the  same  theatre,  in  the 
Mr.  Jam  MASK.  One 
ive  hosd-piere, 

-the  prone 
Opprmw  with  iu  mind." 

Never  before  did  the  Tern  «r  of  F.uropo 
show  so  frail  and  bird  like.  Any  one  of 
his  suite  muld  have  mode  a  light  meal  of 
him;  and  it  was  surely  no  di-.n-.ln  to 
the  marksmanship  of  those  who  ran  7V 
Gnat  (V.int/iir.K-1/  that,  with  a  cart  luid  of 
gunjxnrder,  which  bn>ught  down  great 
hunks  of  scenery  and  nearly  asphy  xiat.-d 
the  sudietH-.  they  f.ul.-d  to  hit  so  tiny 
a  target  This  was  during  the  Consul 
ship;  and  sanguine  ho|H-s  were  enter- 
tained that  by  the  linn-  lie  became 
Kmperor  he  would  add  a  few  historical 
pounds  to  his  fighting  girth.  Tln-sc 
hopes  were  rudely  dashed  when  it  was 
seen  that  his  Imperial  waist  showed  no 
visible  signs  of  distension. 

The  play  abounded  in  situations  of 
the  best  melodramatic  order.  Miss  IIIKNK 
VAXWK-.II  hod  a  part  which  made  heavy 
demands  upon  her  versatility,  and  it  is 
small  blame  to  her  if  the  transition  from 
one  emotion  to  another  was  sometimes  a 
little  abrupt.  Unfortunately,  if  tin-re  is 
one  type  which  this  brilliant  actress  was 
never  designed  to  simulate  it  is  that  of 
s  coquette.  And  twice  in  this  play — 
once  with  her  lover  at  the  sign  of 
IA  lirUe  Miinrillnite,  and  once  with 
NATOLBOX  in  the  snuff-box  no-lie  she 
was  asked  to  give  a  sustainnl  exhibition 
of  the  particular  kind  of  seductiveness 

which  she  would  be  tin-  last  to  claim 
ss  her  special  gift.  It  was  literally  a 
Wtmnai*  quart  d'hrurr  for  her  and  all 
Of  OS  when  site  had  to  exhaust  her 
pOWWS  of  faMci nation  to  detain  the 
Captain  against  his  will  and  duty  from 

to  7  r.«.  And  the  dialogue  here, 
like  the  top  half  of  the  gentleman's  soup, 
was  very  thin  stuff. 

The  villain,  the  Mnrquii  <!••  Tutlrmonl, 
pbved  by  Mr.  ACBSXT  SMITH,  had  no 
lurk.  1  think  perhaix*  his  nature  was 
loo  refined  for  tin-  dirtier  part  of  his 
work.  Dot  a  word  of  flatten  must  u- 
given  to  his  disguise  in  the  second  half 
It  deceived  not  only  NAITIUJ*  and  his 
Chief  of  Polios,  but  me  too. 

The  play  owed  much  to  the  pictur 
esnueness  of  its  figures  and  costumes; 

a  was  a  fair  reflection  ujion  its 
merit*  that  the  performance  whu 

on  t!,.    gallery  was  that 
of  Mr  who  did  a  great  deal  of 

Diluting,    bnre     himself     bravely,    and 


I  very  handsome  and  gallant  in  a 
i  wardrolx- of  uniforms,  but  other- 
lid    not    have   his  fin<-   intcll 
i  tin. 

The    Sitcom    of    tl riginal    French 

I-M-II  nion-  than 

with  uc.  the  Nai» "Iconic  legend    must  !><• 
only     IM-    explained.    1 
BO,     by     the     piquancy     of 
pomages  which  Mrs.  I.'HM.  (lie  adapter. 
was  discreet  eiiiingh  to  -.uppmw. 

Th»s«-  who  want  a  moral  will  find  one 
in  the  altitudeof ./,'niuic  toller  husKand. 
Briefly  it  is  this:  Kli.-l;  l«  tin-  1,'11,-r  of 
roirf,  ntnl  lln-n  i/«ii  tiffiln'l 
lltt  ip'tnt  of  them. 


Xfipjfnn  I Mr.  John  ll:in-. 

(Vifjfciin  llnjrr  ('rinrnny . .  .  .  Mr.  Henry  Ainli-y. 

IT, 

When  you  hear  John  <!lni/ilf'n  Honour 
di-scribed  as  a  "  strong  "  play,  you  will 
easily  gather  which  commandment  it  is 
that  is  m. nli-  to  suffer  most  in  tin-  breach. 
The  trio  an-  constituted  as  follows:  (1) 
The  American  husband,  an  Iron  King. 
who  gambles  on  Wall  Street  and  leaves 
his  wife  to  amuse  herself  in  I'an- 
the  wife,  who  tinea  so;  (3)  the  ti-iiiinii 
'/nil/,  nil  artist  who  paints  her  jMirtraii. 
A  cable  sent  by  the  artist's  designing 
mother,  who  wants  to  divert  her 
fancy  in  the  din-clioii  of  an  eligible 

maiden, brings  the  Iron  King  |«»-t  haste 

to  Paris.     Arriving  suddenly  in  the  midst 

of  a  pli-.is.mt   dinnerparty  at    his  wife's 

flat   oui-i  be    adopts    l.iiMii.-, 

-ti!\  likea  doubtful 

market  pn>|*iHli»n.  and    makes  ap|«.'ml- 

i    half  the  cost  to  come   and 

t.-ll     him     what     th'-y    1  to    its 

soundness.    Meanwhile,  to  his  wife  he 

•Ts    an     ancient    chamU-r     in    his 
heart  for  her  •  \. 

further     alleging     that     he     had 
tnuibl'-d    to   ijui-slion    her  devotion    any 


than  a  man  "  tak.-s  out  his  lungs 
if  they  are  breathing"  a  feat 
which  would  of  mur--  !«•  allendisl  with 
extreme  risk.  He  now  |ini|x«cs  to 
re-nine  the  old  relations  of  mam 
ago.  temporarily  in  alM-yano-  owing  to 
the  distraction  of  the  Mone\  Market. 
This  pro|K.sal  she  discouragi-s  for  the 
moment,  at  the  same  time-  lying  \i-ry 
heartily  mi  the  subje«-t  of  IKT  innix-encc-. 
and  arranging  with  her  lover  to  lly  the 
ni-\t  ••veiling  in  a  liorrowed  motor. 
Finally,  after  the  husband's  siispi<-ioiis 
have  b-i-n  alternately  roused  by  i 

and  allayed  by  his  wife's  intrepid    lying. 
lie   trie -slier   lothe  artist's  studio,  dis 
c.in!s  tin-   notion  of  employing  firearms, 
and    takes    his    I" -t    rcxenge    by    letting 
them    go    their    way.  with    the    pi 
of    divorce    and    a    generous    allowance. 
The  shame  of  these  gifts   is  on   them  as 
the  final  curtain  falls. 

None  of  the  three  gi-tsour  mimili 
sympathy,    but    the   future   is   rich    with 
promise  of  a   rough  |K>--tic  ju-ii...      l'»r 
the  woman  is  going  to   pay  the   h< 
penalty.     The  Iron  King  will  return,  for 
consolation,    to   his    wallowing    in    Wall 
Street,     with    the    chastening    Mi 
that    there   is  one   kind   of  Trust   which 
dollars  cannot  control;   the   lover,  I  dan- 
will     eventually    return     to    his 

1  love,  his  Art  :  and  so  the  woman 
will  IM-COIIIC  men-  Hoisam.  drifting  darkly 
on  continental  backwaters.  And  she 

•  s  this  fati- ;  not  so  much  for  her 
infidelity  to  a  man  who  was  at  no  pains 
to  kii-|>  her  love,  but  rather  for  the 
ugliness  of  her  methods  of  intrigue. 

I  In  the  other  hand,  the  lovers  may 
marry  and  lx>  always  happy  afterwards. 
You  never  can  tell.  Kven  .Mr.  Si n;o 
isn't  quite  sure  about  it. 

It  is  an  astounding  defeci  in  an  other- 
wise excellent  play  tlint  while  its  eon 
ditions  are  American  (for  the  toiling 
millionaire,  with  a  wife  at  the-  other  side 
of  the  world,  is  not  a  product  of  l-'.nglish 
ei\  ilisationi  there  is  practically  no 
attempt  made,  apart  from  one  minor  ex- 
ception, to  give  an  American  colouring  to 
its  characters,  lien- and  I  here  one  t  races 

lie   turn   of   phrase   on   the-  lips  of 

uki-c  /Viii'-c.v*r  •/<•  f 'nx/<i;/n<iri/,  but 
in  the-  main  there  is  no  distinguishing 
sign  of  nationality  by  which  an  American 
in  the  audience  could  recognise  his 
compatriots  on  the  stage  as  belonging  to 
any  known  Transatlantic  type.  l>oes 
Mr.  Si  il.-o,  for  instance,  imagine  that, 
modern  America  produces  guileless 

04  *       like      the      Itiirn     hni'JIIIilll      of 

Miss  M  n  Mums?     NI-MT  was  anything 
more  purely  I'riti-h  MI-II  on  the  boanU. 

The  lighter  dialogue'  of  the  opening 
was  indifferent  ;  indii-d,  except  in  the 
htiidio  M-ene.  it  was  always  rather 
strained;  but  the  First  Act  was  the  only 
one  \\  ep  in  doubt  on 

t  hi-  n  ight  of  tin']  ilay  w  arming;  a  delight  fill 


MMICH  13,  11)07.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


185 


A    WORD    IN    SEASON. 

Young  Hopeful  (in  a  a/age  irliiupcr).  "  WHK.X  THIS  is  OVKII,  WE'IIF.  ciulx'  TO  Pl.AY  TRAINS." 


innovation  which  gives  the  intelligent 
jury  a  whole  spare  day.  badly  needed. 
for  considering  their  verdict).  For  the 
rest,  the  development  of  the  author's 
scheme  held  a  grateful  house-party  in 
the  throes  of  anticipation  ;  and  its  issue 
remained  unsolved  till  the  last  sentence 
was  uttered. 

The  Second  Act  was  the  hest  hy  virtue 
of  its  contrasts,  liotli  of  motive  and 
character.  1  must  suppose  that  Mr. 
Sin:o  wanted  to  show  the  victory  of 
.lull  n  Gin  i/ili-' H  newly  -  awakened  pas- 
sion of  jealousy  over  the  old  ruling 
passion  for  gambling.  Rut  I  could 
wish  that  lie  had  seen  his  way  to  a 
continuance  of  the  conflict,  as  set  forth 

in  the  Second  Act,  between  these  two 
passions,  if  only  that  we  might  have 
been  made  more  familiar  with  the  livn 
King's  very  attractive  factotum,  Mirlxicl 
^/nirniui;  the  one  character  in  this 
American  play  with  any  real  pretence  to 
an  American  manner. 

I  cannot  believe  that  Mr.  Al.KX  \\nri; 
is  ;il  his  best  in  a  Mrenuous  )•('</(•.  lie 
never  seemed  comfortable  in  the  matter 
of  his  face,  which  kept  on  wanting  to 
simile,  and  had  to  be  constantly  distorted 


into  a  semblance  of  gravity.     At  one 
time  I  was  afraid  that  he  was  going  to 


<f>!  >    >    •<*•  "' 


Joint  Chiyile Mr.  George  Alexander. 

'Mii-ltini  Mutrmiir  .  .  Mr.  lliclnn'l  Sherbrooke. 


be  a  little  Arthurian  over  his  Guinevere; 
but  we  were  spared  the  worst  in  the 
way  of  ponderous  rhetoric.  It  was  a 
great  triumph  for  Miss  EVA  MOORE  that 
in  so  thankless  and  even  repellent  a 
part  she  preserved  an  essential  woman- 
liness which  made  her  offences  seem 
almost  forgivable.  Mr.  GRAHAM  BROWNK, 
in  the  part  of  everybody's  friend, 
played  with  admirable  sensitiveness  in 
the  scene  at  the  Ritz ;  but  Mr.  MATHKSOX 
L\MI,  as  the  lover,  was  on  the  heavy 
side. 

The  play  does  not  promise  to  run 
as  long  as  Ills  Houxi'  'in  Onlcr,  for  Mrs. 
Glayile'g  menage  is  in  shocking  disorder, 
and  I  fear  that  the  general  unpalatable- 
ness  of  the  theme  may  go  against  its 
chances  of  a  secure  place  in  the  I  !rit  jt.lj 
bosom. 

A  notice  of  the  Lite  Dr.  IisEi|V  ine|o- 
Irama  at  the  Court  will  appear  in  next 


week's  issue. 


0.  S. 


All  Birds  have  their  Price. 

"  I  CAN  supply  grey  talkers  that  will 
say  almost  anything  at  reasonable 
prices." — Exchange  ami  Mart. 


:•• 


PUNCH,  Oil  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13,  1907. 


TIIK    MAN    l\    TIIK   TWI 
KM.'KI.KX'x-k 

i 

10  lost  Sunday  I  u**l 
mywlf   tluit    1   could  w-  -iiMe 

it.iiu  :  inger    » 

:     the 

.ilway  inv  :illciiti«ii  would  lie 
allr.ict.-l  I  iy  two  i 

tiicr  aii'l  t-'ii.  olivii.iisly."  I 
would  gay  I"  myself.  "  Tin-  father  has 
from  tin-  country  for  1 1  • 


He  lives  in  Suffolk,  and  \\t»  tun,  wh.-.- 

iroe  might 
OHXL,  u  at  the  Dor. 
They  will  pn.Uihly 
get  out  at  Illack- 
friarn  and  go  to  tee 
Paul'-.."  It  hap- 
pen*, powihly.  that 
ilight  nt  Char- 
ing t'ntss  change- 
here  -  for  i  In-  Hakcr- 
i  -  Waterloo  - 
Kailway.  "  N 
aay,  "they  ore  going 
to  the  Zoo,  and  tin- 
son's  name  is 
GBMGF."  Wi 
upon  I  proceed  com- 
ptaoenlly  to  the 
Temple,  feeling  that 
even  if  my  theory  is 
incorrect  it  is  at 
any  rate  entirely 
plausible. 

Hut  since  last 
Sunday  everything 
is  changed.  Last 
Sunday  I  came 

.  •       •   •  . 

ladling.  HO  insalu- 
lile.  that  all  the  con- 
ceit is  knocked  out 
of  roe.  Tlial  then- 
is  some  simple  ex- 
planation of  what  I 
*BW,Iam  convinced; 
hut  it  harrows  me 
to  find  it.  I  have 
racked  my  brains 
in  vain ;  1  have  in- 
vented theories  and 


am    I    to   I -lame 
unconsciously   1 


1 


him    for    it?       Aim.-! 
.until     ihrni    n(.    ti. 
'>    well  ti>t|.i      a --If  made 


thev  've  Ui-ii  dining 


atone  of   those    houses  which  an-    r.-allx 
llammei-Mmlh.  hut  call  tlf  m-rl\  •  -  W.  -I 
i^ton      he  didn't  want    In  drees  at 

I.'  l>nn  I  U-sdU.  I; 
of  course  we  shall  have  to.'  and    If 

well,  niv  tle.ir.  oulx  I  shall  wear  niv 
'     '  '       -ailed 


the  girl    is    proUihly 
And    wi  on.       All 
to  anioiie   with   an 
and  a  sense  of  character. 


I       •'  Why    iliiln't     v.,n    think    of 

l  if  o.iirs.'!  "      Hut,  U-fort-   I  lia.l 

ma-li-    U|>    my    miinl    .1-    In   Imw    U-i    |.. 

,i|.|.r.u.'li    him.    he    ami    his    famiU    hail 

' 


tiirni-il    into    l,»mi-ii    Auif  '- 

ali<l   I  «as    left   nil  llf    |-a\  i-liiflil    staring 

o|H>n  iiioiilli.  •!  afl.-i   llifin. 


S,.  then. 


fnr 


thi- 


his     il,-sli- 


HOW   Till:   1'AU.Y    ILI.l  MltATI.1)    1'APKU    DKAI.S   WITH    TIIK    KOVAL  VISIT 

TO  BLfllIiOltOK.il. 

(I)  Sir  William  DlarRC.  Mayor  of  IllurliorotiKh.     (2)  Arrival  of  th<-  Itoyal  Party.     (3)  Some 
of  the  decoration*,     i  I    TI,.-  new  Town  Hall  opened  yeuterlny.     Tin*  urcliiiivt,  Mr.  W.  I!  ,t.  l,.|.>t 
ll.iuie  iii  whi.-li  S.r  W.  Illurp-  due*  not  at  preneat  reside  owing  to  i|.-(.-.  in.-  ,lr.iins 
-•  Kaa  lilurge.  who  prewnteJ  the  bouquet  to  the  Prince*-  >.,!••  I  lamp-pout. 

,H;  One  of  the  motloea.    (U)  Programme-wller*.     (10)  !>.«      (I  I)  Some  of  the  crow.l.     TI,.- 
fuurtb  from  the  left  in  the  thin)  r..«  it*  Mr.  W.  Smith,  ulm  wan  almost  ouocewful   in  •  •  n 
mewing  r-  Illurboro'  typro.     (13)   Handwichmen.     (14)    Kirework  ,1,-play   in 

hlurgr  I  .,(  Party.     The  Itoyal  Carriage  ia  indicated  l>y  X    ' 

-. — Hraulifully-lin,-'..- 1  i  <>|.ie«of  the  above  Photograph*  can  bo  BU|>|>li*.«l 
at  7'  <W.  each,  half-plate  aiie,  mounted,  |<«t  free. 


iini-l  lind  an  .-vplanal  ion 
The  lirsl  i|ii>->lion  to 
1  lid  ll"l'i  i:l  l>-a\e  l.,lint-n 

A nne'.s  Mansions  in  knickerbooki 

did  s..nieihing  hap|H-n  to  him  after- 
wards? Now  here  we  do  M-.-IM  to  IK- 
on  the  tr.ick  of  an  idea.  Something 
happened  t<>  him 
afterward-,  yoi 
II, •  slartitl.  that  is. 
with  his  wife  and 
daughter,  on  this 
Sunday  evening. 
suitably  attired  for 
dinnerathisfriend's 
\\V-t  Kensington 
house  ;  and.  either 
on  the  journey,  or 
rise  at 

nation, 

happened          which 

compelled    him    t<> 

come  hack  in  knick- 
.•rl»«-kers.  What 
could  it  have  Ui'ii  ? 
Well,  he  might  have 
fallen  into  a 
orthescrvant 
have  spilliil  the 
clan-t  over  him — 

tWO       excellent 

tli.iirii-s.        I,' 

or   apologies    from 

his     DOBt,    and     an 

offer    In    lend    him 
an\  thing    from    his 
o\\  n  wardrohe.  .  .  . 
*> .    .   \,-~.   hut    in 

that  c.i~,'  these 
would  have  heen 
K.iioui-d  knicker- 

lH«-kersof  Ikiilll. Ill's. 
and  they  had  not 
that  look  at  all.  In 
that  c;ise,  too,  he 


]H>H,|. 


dismissed    them   n-nt.  i.  And        And   then   to  my   horror,  as   1   looked 

now  I  call  in  outside  aid,  Imping  that   d,,wn  at  the  man  s  legs,  his  coat  1,1. -w 
somebody   will  provide  me  will,   a  clue,    O|H-II,   and    I   wivv   that   he  was 
no  matter  bow  slight  it  may  be.  |tw«>e«l   knick, -rl««  ki  rs,  thick 

We  all  got  out  at  St.  Jameii's  Park  and  heavy  boota ! 
Station  on  that   Sunday    night    these' 
three  persons  and  I.      Aswowalkul  up 
the  stairs  I  looked  casually   nt   them. 
Obviously  fsthcr,  mother,  and  daughter. 
The  girl  was  about  sixUtn.  the  • 
about    forty,  and    they  were   both    in 
„•  clnks.  and  had  acanres  round 

their  beads.     The  man  waa  abort  and    i.,  k-r-.  w:  .,(.   and  child 

bear  \vore  a  heavy  overcoat  and  ( in    evening   dress?"    his   reply 

soap — and  if  a  man  chouses  to  wcnr  tin-   mat- 

cap  instead  of  a  silk  hat  or  y''.-.  who  ,  ,  ,uld    have  Kiid  to 


II. 
..  ae  I  said.  th> T>-  mu~t  IN-  some 

:•!.-    explanation.      1    f.-.  ! 
that,    if    I    had    gone    up   In    this 
:     I     thought    of 
!    to   hin: 

inc.   Sir,   hut    why    .  •    knick. -r 

an- 


'or   his  \\if.-i  would 
have  IMI-II  carrying 
the   ilam.ii'.-cl    II-..IIM-I-.S    home,   and    there 
u.i-    n.ithing    of    that    H<>rt    here.      VMI 
will  8;iy.   of  eniirse.   that    Koiir.lM    might 
have    Ini'ii    ,  A.  icily  the    sa  .....    si/e    as  his 
i!nl  thai  he  might   have  fallen   into 
the  lire  ami  have   had  his   clothes  Imrnt 
completely  off    him.      Now  thai.  1   admit, 
stiunds   |*.is-.ilile  ;    Inil    no  one   who   has 
i    would     suggest    ii     fnr  a 
moment.      IJnliiiil.  if   I  am  any   judge  of 
character,  is  a  hard  headi-d.  slurdy  little 
not  at   all  the  sort  of  Jiersnii  U)  go 
ahnut  falling  into  fires. 

No;   the  mop-    I    c.-n-ider  it   I  he  more 
1    am  coiivineed  that  Koiu.it  I    left  (Jue 
Anne'-    Man-ion,   ;,:  ,  1,,-k    that 


1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


187 


Droning  draHod  u  I  BO  whim  afterwards. 

That  is  lo  say,  ho  put  those  knicker- 
bockers on  deliberately,  and  deliberately 
went  down  to  I  lamniersinith  (there  is  no 
need  to  keep  up  the  West  Kensington 
illusion  ;iny  longer)  with  the  intent  ion 
of  dining  in  his  bicycling  suit.  But 
why  should  he  do  this?  \Vo  may  l»e 
sure  that  "  Mother  "  and  "  Ei.su.;"  would 
have  prfferrcd  him  to  he  in  the  more 
conventional  evening  dress.  Why,  then, 
did  lie  override  their  wishes?  That  is 
the  real  mystery. 

in. 

This  is  tlie  best  I  can  do.  The  Time 
is  0.45  on  that  fatal  evening;  the  Scene 
is  the  drawing-room;  and  UODKIIT  is 
discovered  aimlessly  wandering  alx>iit, 
stopping  every  now  and  then  to  lift  up 
a  book  or  a  china  ornament.  He  is 
dressed  in  a  dark  -  grey  lounge  suit. 
His  wife  enters  suddenly. 

Mother  (s/un-p/i/).  KODKRT!  Do  you 
know  it 's  seven  o'clock,  and  you  haven't 
begun  to  dress? 

ttobcrt  (vneatily).  It's  an  extraordinary 
thing,  dear,  but  I  can't  find  my  drcss- 
clothes  anywhere. 

[Open*  (i  irorklxmket,  and  peers  intide. 

Mother.  Have  you  l«>ked  in  your 
dressing-room? 

li'lici-l.  Yes,  yes,  of  course.  You 
haven't  scut  them  away  anywhere  to  be 
clean  d  or  anything,  have  you? 

Mi'i'/cr.  As  if  I-  ROBERT!  I  do 
believe  I  did  !  You  know  you  said  — 

Hubert  (annoyed).  That's  really  very 
awkward.  You'll  have  to  go  without 
me  then,  that's  all.  You  can  say  I 'in 
not  well.  It 's  enough  to  make  anyone 
ill  when'  his  clothes  get  taken  like  this. 

Mother.  Don't  be  silly,  UOIIKKT.  Go  as 
you  are.  I  'in  sure  you  Kx>k  vi  ry  nice. 

llolierl.  Yes,  and  what  will  Hir.ciNs 
think  ?  That  I  doiit  know  enough  to 
know  that  it  is  usual  to  dress  for  dinner 
in  West  Kensington.  I  can't  explain 
directly  I  get  in  at  the  door  that  I  really 
have  got  some  other  clothes  at  home. 

Mother.  15ut  those  lixik  very  quiet  and 
neat,  dear.  [A  long  pause. 

Mother.  Well,  if  you  don't  go,  KI.SIK 
and  I  don't.  We  're  not  going  on  that 
Underground  by  ourselves. 

Robert.  You  must   go,  anyhow 

Well,  I  '11  tell  you  what  I  will  do.  I  '11 
put  on  my  bicycling  suit— and  then 
llinc.iNs  will  know  that  something  has 
happened  anyhow. 

Milliter.  Oh,  but  you  can't! 

Jfiiliert.  1/ook  here,  don't  you  under- 
stand that,  if  I  go  as  1  am,  HII;I;INS  will 
think  it's  just  because  1  don't  know  any 
better;  but  if  I  go  in  knickerbockers 
he'll  know  that  at  any  rate  I'm  not 
quite  so  ignorant  as  that,  and  he'll  guess 
that  there  is  some  very  spieial  reason  for 
it.  But  of  course  lie '11  be  too  polite  to 
ask  what  it  is  ...  See  ?  It 's  the  only 
way  out  of  it.  [Exit  hurriedly  to 


MODERN    SOCIETY. 

'  On,  now  is  MRP.  JONES  TO-DAY  ?  " 

'  I  DON'T  KNOW,  MADAM.    SHALL  I  ASK  ?  " 

'Oil,   NEVER    MIND.      O.NLY   TKI.I,   MRS.   JUNES   I    INQUIRED   AFTER   HER." 


.  iv. 
Or  this : 

25,  Acacia  Tload,  W.  Kensington. 
MY  PEAK  ROBERT  (as  I  always  think  of 
you),-  It  is  twenty  years  si  nee  we  met, 
and  I  expect  a  lot.  has  happened  to  us 
both  since  then.  You,  I  know,  are 
married  and  have  a  daughter— so  TOM 
tells  me.  I  too  am  married.  Now, 
won't  you  bring  your  wife  down  to  see 
my  wife  one  day.  and  while  they  talk  of 
servants  and  such  like  we'll  discuss  the 
old  days  in  .Manclii  ster.  What  about 
next  Sunday?  I  expect  you've  altered 


so  much  that  I  shall  hardly  recognise 
you.      Yours  ever,      GEORGE  HIGGINS. 

Queen  Anne's  Mansion*,  R.W. 

DEAR  GEORGE,— Delighted.  1  will  come 
next  Sunday  and  bring  the  wife  and  the 
daughter  too,  if  I  may.  I  wonder  if 
you  will  recognise  me !  I  Ve  half  a 
mind  to  come  in  those  old  knickerlwckere 
1  always  used  to  wear.  Do  you  remember 
them?  Anyhow,  it  would  help  you  to 
spot  me.  Yours,  ROBERT. 

»          *          *          *          *    * 

Bnt  this  is  making  ROBERT  out  a  fool. 
I  don't  think  he  is  really  that. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


i  I  > 


MI  si.  vi.  N"Ti:> 


i  •  •  ....'..I':.-. 

i          •       .  ..--.-.•  -  I'M 

was  recently  produced  at  Lnbon   baa 

miniated  several  British  p- 
wrailsr    eOorlii.       "f     '  '-inci 

Ministers  who  aspire  to  lyric  laurels  the 
most  notable  is  perhaps  Mr 
who  has  already  completed  the  first  Act 
of  an  opera  baaed  .n  !.>•  v-  M 
stirring  rtmiancr.  Sir  ItirhnrH  ( 'nlmady. 
The  title  n'Jf.  we  understand,  has  been 
already  assigned  to  an  American  baritone. 
formerly  engaged  in  the  whaling  trade, 
who  is  physically  qualified  fur  the  part. 
owing  to  an  encounter  with  n  shark  off 
the  coast  of  Florida  hear  that 

Mr.  Ciurus   and    Mr.  JBVC  C« 
have  completed  the  book  of  a  in 
comedy    to    1«-    entitled    <"•/    Mm    ami 
Three  Arrr*,  with  lyric-  'fessar 

rtaranand  additional  lyrics  by  Mr.  Ij» 

MIL-IE  and  Mr.  L  S.  AMKKY.     Tin i>ic. 

which  is  said   to  l«e  "simple,  sensuous 
and  passionate,"  ha-  q.-.-d  by 

IWeitNor   HlBHrr   VON    HKKKOVCR,   It. A., 
with  additional  numbers   by  Sir  PlETEB 
anil  Sir  H\MH«KI>  Si  M  K. 


to  his  namunke  Mr.  1'fm.R  KKVKV.  the 

fumoiiH  author  of  '  .'i  /  »>i  >"•  '  •'• '   ""'.  I"1 

.  ,       :  '  -.    lympathy  with  th<    ipiril 

nf   th.it    i-|»«-h  making    work,   and 
:    to   have   s..id    that  if    I 

•i    life   as  a   cow-puncher 
lid   !»•  twi<v  the  arli.-t   !: 


The  marriage  of  I»nl  Tononi.  Toi»«.- 
<uv  the  M-vcnth  son  of  the  I  Mike  of.lt  li\, 
to  Mile.  S'VU  1'.  ".itovioiK.  the  famous 
>il»Ti.m  M-.hm-r.  look  pLice  List  Thurs- 
day at  St.  limrge's,  Hanover  Square. 
Tin-  (vreinonr,  which  was  attended  by 
several  Cabinet  Ministers  and  tin- entire 
staff  of  the  Itu— tin  Embassy,  happily 
rounds  off  a  romantic  engagement  at 
which  the  bridegroom's  family  were  at 
find  inclined  to  look  askance,  a-  Mile. 

PiMiBDMopr  IB  of  lluri.it  desii  nt.  with 
Htnmg  leanings  to  polyphonic  Buddhism. 
Bui  the  Strength  of  mutual  attachment 
orerbore  all  obstacles,  and  the  1  Mike  and 
Duchess  were  both  present  at  the 
ceremony  as  well  OH  at  the  nvcption 
subsequently  held  at  I'hiliU-g  Hardens. 
The  presents  were  l»th  numerous  and 
cmtly,  including  a  magnificent  tame 
yak  fnun  tin-  l»vi. vi  |.\\n.  the  complete 
works  of  Mr.  Aionwox  A-m.--.  bound 
in  limp  lamlmkin,  presented  by  the 
author ;  a  set  of  Huperb  laMnum  from 
fni-  librarv  fnun  Mr. 

(CARxmiK,  and  an  electri.  fnun 

the  Progressive  membern  c ,f  the  ly.ndon 
County    Council.      The     I.- 
going  away  oostame  excited  much  admi 
i,  comprising   trews  of  the  .In,., 
Urtan,  a  tunic  of  white  7^\ 
a  feather  boa  of  the  Emu  brand 
Glengarry  cap. 

nurr,  the  famous  o 
pianist,  who  diftlorati- 1   hin  thumb  while 

at  the  Queen's  Hall  la-t   Friday. 
is,  we  understand.  L' 
can    be   <-\ 


Mias  MADIK  <  learn  from 

the  pages  of  M/n«'«   \\  ncient 

on  the  pi.  1110  .in.l  mamlolin,  l>ut  it  is 
not  80  generally  known  that  many  other 
authors  .uid  pulilicistn  an>  instniniental- 
f  no  mean  pretensions.  Thus 
Mr.  HM.I.  C\I\K  hits  few  super! 

d  Mr.  CiiiK'KKrr  extracts 
exquisite  ti>iu>8  fnun  the  small  pipes,  n 
variety  not  to  !»•  confused  with  the  Ixniny 
briv  pipsj  affiH-t.Hl  by  I\v  MM-I.MIKV. 
Mr.  HKNMKKR  I!  ivourite  instru- 

ment   is   the  ]v>-thorn,  an«l    Sir   (i»>RQK 
(Jitin  evokra   impre«8Jve  melodies   from 

till.1  tlllxi. 


MAIMANA    IN    MAUCH: 
On,  TIIK  FoiK.nni  N   VMIMIM:. 

('aiiilii«l»--<i:>   DidAngtloK>le«T« 
bar? 

Ihikf.    \rt\   IHT  in   IIIT  leap*,   ami   ilri<-<l    Mot 

..Hi-  •>[  ih'-ni   nith  lii-  i if.irt;  Hwnllnni-tl   ln> 

vow»  wln'U'  .  .  .  Tln-n'.  al   lli  •  IIIH.IIM)   frriinKi1. 

•Ill-  ilcjii-te  I    M.n 

.W,,ij.i.r,    f,,r  Mrifiirf.  Ai'l  III..  .-. 

T.MIIKA  to  her  Alillll  II  x-n.U 

This  Calendar,  with  one  dear  dale 
I  ted  inked  :     ah,    falx-    the-    whispering 

frii-mls 

Who  hint  the«'.  though  so  c-old  of  late, 
Si  coli I  and  languid,  aught  l»ut  true  ; 
Yet  word  from  thee  is  overdue. 

1'ale.  pale  the  ini»ll  of  Valentine 

Ihw  wanol,  uiillushed  to  our  emlinice. 
A  yi-.ir  ago  it  marked  a>  mine 

Thy  lH>som's"lirst  constructive  place." 
Not  to  precipitate  your  plans 
What  aln.nl  putting  up  the  liannsV 

A  year,  and  just  a  month,  ngo! 

March     the  equinox  of  change. 
Like  M \uivsY-  .\it>j<-lii 

Thou  leav'sl  me  to  ;i  mo;ite<l  grange. 
Desert  M  '    No,  not  1. 

The  convene?    I>-t  the  villain  try ! 

Ah.  no!       Mot  out  the  hasty  plnano: 
do  not  M. 

When  I,  if  AIIIIII  n  still  d.  ; 

Strain  him  to  this  determine!  !.• 
The  n»y  Saint  hiiH  s\\nrn.      In  line 
:•  .  you  miiM.  you  shall  In-  mine. 


Tin  conduct  of  the  police  in  arresting 

•n-  to  have 

been   even    more    disgraceful  than    was 
-,,|  )-.~.-.|  •  ,e  ril-.i-i'd  martyrs, 

in  ad-  Bradford,  i- 

••   -.iid   that  '•  the  women 
I--*  brutally  hamlled  by 

tin-  |«iliee.  and    h«-r  si-dT  tnnl  I"  '. 

nftliriiififrr*  to  make  him  li«»te  his  hold." 


\VM\IAN.  WM.MAN  I:VI:I;Y\VIIKI;K. 

....  iiM.niliKlil  nivjIitH 
\Vlicn  I  «a«  at  tin-  r.irmi-lito*. 

.In  »'iu  Itubfon. 

(  K  the  principle  that  the  pni|N-r  study 
of  mankind  i-  woman.  Tin-  />.n/i/  Mini 
which,  a-  a  Parliamentary  critic  of  high 
standing  remarked  in  the  l»bhy  kn- 
ottier evening,  should  now  !»•  mlled 
7'/ic  Ikiili/  I  i-  devoting 

page   '.I   alino-t    e\clu-ively    to    .-yni]«>sia 
on  thai  cryptic  but  iimbii 

In  that  ingratiatingly  in.|uiring 
manner  that  it  •  e.-sfully 

rivalling  the  desi-ription  of  I'ol-K  as  "the 
little  crookeil  thing  that  a-ks  ip-iestions" 

it  has  |>ut  forward  the  insidious 
queries  "  Which  has  tin-  U-tter  time, 
men  or  women?"  and  "lV>  women 
really  rule  men  ?"  and  so  forth,  queries 
for  the  solution  of  which  tliou.-and-  of 
the  ladies  and  gentlemen  of  this  country 
who  write  with  case  are  only  ii»  ready- 
to  reply. 

Hut  Tin"  I kiil i/  Mail'*  work  i-  only 
begun.  Tin-re  are  many  m  my  question-, 
yet  to  IM-  answercil.  The  following  li-t 
of  subjects  into  which  care  id  inqni-ilion 
should  IK-  made  has  IN-CII  drawn  up  by 
a  committef  of  e\lM-rt8:  — 

Is  the  "  Wo  "  in  "  Women  "  an  in-nll  ? 

Are  women  really  afraid  of  mice? 

Why  are  women  allowed? 

Why   do.--  a   woman   look    old    I 
than  a  girl  ? 

Should  women  read  liooks? 

Js  woman  the  complement  of  man? 

Should  girls  go  to  Kton  ? 

Wln-n  i>  a  woman  not  a  woman? 

Should  women  have  a  IHSI!  ? 

An-  men  |N>litc  to  women  ? 

Does  ii  man  marry  a  woman  or  a 
woman  marry  a  man  ? 

An-  women  womanish  ? 

Why  clo  women  go  on  livin 

Should  children  have  moth. 

Are  women  really  more  numerous 
than  men  ? 

Why  do  women  who  waul  votes  wear 
i-la-lic  side  In.  ' 

Can  ;i  woman  want  a  vole  and  not 
wear  q 

Are  women  women  ? 

II. i-    a    woman    ever     IMVII     a     I'rime 

Minister? 

I>o  wonn-n  write  with  |M-ncils  more, 
than  men  ? 

\ie  women  secret  eat. -i-  ? 

inn-  that  women  die  oflener  than 
men  ? 

Should  women  1- 

Ifthat  i- tin-  la-t  question  it  is  not  b.-- 
c.iu-e  our  li-t  was  exhausted,  but  1" 

the    fountain    ]n-n    gave   out.      We    hand 
them  :!ie    Kdilor  of  Tin'    I'uili/ 

\l-iil    without    iirr'ii  >;•    paute,      I -'•I    him 
do  his  bl<-Kse<lest  with  them. 


M  \if«i  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


AS    OTHERS    SEE    US. 

Stable-boy  (looking  at  ill-assorted  trio).  "  THERE  AIN'T  MUCH  'AM  IN  THAT  SANGWIDGE!" 


FREE  FIREWOOD  FOR  THE 
ARISTOCRACY. 

Tim  astonishing  reluctance  of  the 
inhabitants  of  houses  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Kensington  Gardens  to  come 
inside  and  help  themselves  to  the 

loppfd  brunches  of  the  elm  trees  there 
is  causing  some  embarrassment  to  the 
authorities.  As  it  was  not  considered 
possible  to  make  use  of  all  this  fire- 
wood in  Kensington  Palace,  and  as  the 
preparations  of  the  City  Corporation  for 
the  reception  of  the  Colonial  Premiers 


need    for    boniires 


in    their 
the  resi- 
Hut    the 
to 


auv 


remove  any 

honour,  it    was   offered    Tree    to 

drills  in  the  neighbourhood. 

oiler    has     not,     been    accepted 
.".real  extent. 

It  is  explained  that,  during  the  day 
the  men  are  away  at  work,  somewhere 
in  the  City,  while  the  children  are  at 
school  ;  and  as  the  (iardens  are  closed 
at  night  there  are  dillicnlties  in  the 
way  of  collecting  the  wood.  Hut  where 
are  t  he  men  -servants  '?  \Ve  do  not  siig- 
i;e>i  for  one  moment  that  any  chauffeur 
should  he  requested  to  carry  firewood, 


but  the  footmen  might  be  approached. 
Servants  whose  duties  include  the 
leading  of  toy  dogs  in  public  places 
could  hardly  object  to  conducting  a 
faggot  or  two  into  the  cellar. 

Another  plan  occurs  to  us  by  which 
it  would  be  possible  to  take  advantage 
of  the  kind  offer  of  the  Kensington 
Gardens  authorities.  Mr.  J.  M.  HAHIUK, 
we  understand  from  The  Westminster 
Gazette,  shares  with  one  other,  an  artist. 
the  particular  privilege  of  being  allowed 
in  these  (  iardens  after  dark.  Would 
it  not  be  possible  for  a  deputation  of 
well-known  residents  near  the  (iardens 

we  suggest  Sir  Currox;  Ifomxsox, 
Karl  C\i:i;ixc;iox,  Mr.  A.  MOI;KIO\  .M\\iu: 
VIM.I:,  Sir  I'ox.M.n  (ViiiiiK,  Mr.  11.  W. 
PEKKS,  M.P.,  and  Mr.  GonriiKY  l>\i;ix<;, 
M.P.,  headed  by  Major  HAI>I:X-|'O\\T.U, 
to  approach  Mr.  |!M;KII:,  and  ask  his 
co-operation  in  the  matter?  We  feel 
confident  that  the  genial  novelist  would 
readily  consent  to  use  his  privileged 
position  for  the  well-being  of  his  neigh- 
bours, and  hand  out  branches  to  them 
through  the  railings  at  night.  It  would, 
perhaps,  in  order  to  ensure  secrecy,  be 


advisable  not  to  approach  the  artist  re- 
ferred to,  lest  he  should  prove  to  be  on 
the  staff  of  The  Daily  M'm-or. 

Again,  if  the  authorities  could  wait 
until  the  American  tourists  begin  to 
arrive  in  this  country,  it  might  pay 
them  to  distribute  tastefully-produced 
leaflets  in  the  rooms  of  the  Cecil,  Carl- 
ton,  and  other  hotels  of  London,  as  well 
as  in  the  leading  hostelries  of  Stratford- 
on-Avon,  Chester,  Edinburgh,  and  so 
forth,  announcing  that  chips  from  a 
Royal  Garden  were  to  l>o  had  free  for 
the  asking. 

"  Respectable  young  person  wants  alternate 
Mondays  to  wash  and  I'YidayH  to  clean." — 
/xrmvixAi'ir  MuVi/  rrexs. 

IF  she  would  only  make  a  point  of 
taking  away  the  week-ends  and  </r.'/'";/ 
them,  we  should  be  more  than  satisfied. 

"Tliis  fairly  represents  (lie  spirit  in  which 
ihc-  election  is  being  '  fonught ' — and  we  use 
llic  word  for  want  of  a  Ix'tlcr." 

Ilii/hr/ale  Kccordcr. 

HIT  what  better  could  there  be  ?  It 
is  a  beautiful  word. 


PUNCH,   "i:  Till-    LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MM:,  ll    I."..    I 


Cannutar.  "b  Toc«  rATHEt  IT  none?" 
Camnuuer.  "llus  Tor*  ArvriE  Our  A  VOTE?" 


OUR    C.  C.    ELECTION. 

Oii'U    "X";     I'VM'Y    AM.    MmllY   ABE   BOTH   OCT ;      BCT  ACSTIE's   IN." 

"X'>;    SIIE'H  our  BROWIIITIK." 


THK  soxt;  OF  Tin-:  OAK. 

Till"  is  tin-  song  of  llif  racing  oar; 
I  heard  it  om-e  on  lli<'  Putney  shore; 
Aii'l  it  March  wind  caught  ii  au<l  blew  it  mi, 
\VliiIf  eight  oars  Hang  it  in  unison 
(  tut  i  if  the  water  clean  and  gay  ; 
Until'-  ymir  lively  hands  away  ! 
Steady  your  Hiving.  f'T  there  'K  we  irk  to  do  ; 
1  tench,  iiinl  grip  ''•  :i11''  drive  it  tlir.iiij.-li  ! 
I'm  the  spruce,  the  limom  spruce,  with  the  leather  round  my 

waist; 
Am  I  rounded,  grooved  and  buttoned,  am  I  hal.me,  .1  i.,  your 

taste? 

When  I  garemy  wood  rejoicing  to  be  fasliioned  on  ymir  plan. 
I  'nl  they  carve  roe  an  the  emblem  of  the  murage  of  a  man  '.' 
Yea,  they  made  me  atrongand  eager  for  the  glory  of  the  fight, 
And  they  picked  me  oat  a  master  who  should  use  my  :;ifi- 
"t. 

Anil  be  grasped  me,  and  together 
We  •  fi-.it  her, 

And  we  drove  the  light  chip  leaping,  though  tin-  uind  \\.i- 

liliiM-iiiL. 
Drove  her  leaiiinK  tlip.ii«li   il»-  hpi^i.  ululv  «••  k.-pt    tin- 

mi-  to  l,i- 


nttli^l  ii|    • 

And  1  beard  his  pulses  throbbing  a-  hi- 

And  1. 

And  li:  d.  hut  he  f<im-<l  me  through  the  tide. 

• 
of  the  hands  heV 


Oil.  we  rlefl  tin-  waves  and  eleanil  them, 
For  we  never  never  feared  them  : 
Pain  ami  toil  eonld  never  break   us  or  eoiild   make  our  li. 

afraid 

While   the  eiirlin^.   swirling   hubbies   glam-ed   and   shi\ere,| 
fnim  my  Made. 

So  this  is  the  s.in^'  "f  the  raein^ 

I   heard  it  onee  on  the  Putney  -I 

And  a  Mareli  wind  eaiight  it  and  blew  it  on. 

While  eight  ctir^  san^;  it  in  unison  : 

(  lilt  i.f  the  water  clean  and  gay  ; 

•lie  your  lively  hands  away  ! 
Steady   \oiir  swinir.  for  there  's  work  to  do  ; 
li,  and  grit,  it,  and  drive  it  through. 

R.G.L 

Answer  to  Correspondent. 

U'"»IIIH    1'irf.T  '>V.   I'niirriix  .    Yon   say  :    "  I    \oled    for   the 
Mi-lenites.  and    I  sii-  that  the  res  ".It  of  I  he  eleet  i-  liU-d 

by  Tin-  l>:i'il:/  I'ln-i'iiirl,  :        ••  UTf'a  Tlili  MI'll  '  ill  very.  \ery 

big  l\|e.        I'li-.l-M-.   who   is   Mr.  T  VMM  AW  ''.        Is   lie  a  Well   klloWll 

Muuii  ipal   b'efornier,  or  is   it    jn-l  a    pet  name  for  Mr.  (iloiu.i; 
\i  i  \\M.IH V" 

If    \oii    refer   to    'I'll,     Ihi'ili/    Mail   you   uill    find    tin 
of  ll,.                                       I  :i-  'i'.uiK  'rainman\    is 

ju-t  a  bad  word.      It   i~  A rieau  f-r  Sal.m. 

•,'lc,r   I-,  limn' 

i, I   ulni-li    I-   .11  ln:illy  rxlinrt  ;    ali'l  ll   i-  not   likely. 
ili.it  in.in\  l.ir  "ill   i".' 

,/,/ 

•it'  tin-  |.reini--i-s.  the  writ.  inly  justified    in 

drawing  the  conehisiou  he  din-s. 


ITNCII,    OK    TIIK    LONDON    CIIAi;iVAI!I.     MMK-II   1.",.   11)07. 


TEMPLE-Of-iHSARMAMENT 


THE   TUG   OF   PEACE. 


.    "AFTER    YOU,     SIR!" 


MuicH  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


193 


ESSENCE      OF     PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OK  TOBY,  M.P. 


i 


ONE    MAN    ONE   SITKKAGETTK.      A   SUGGESTION   TO   THE   IIOL'SE    OF   COMMONS'    POLICE. 

Why  not  supply  Dummy  Suffragettes  (artificial  P-nkh-rsts,  stuffed  B-11-ngt-ns)  with  which  each  constable  might  rehearse  in  his  spare  time, 
and  sn  keep  himself  in  training  for  the  peculiar  form  of  Jiu-Jitsu  required  to  meet  the  periodic  incursions  of  the  Real  Thing? 

to  co-operate  with  the  British  Army, 
'  howsoever  reformed,  if  only  the  regiment 
were  permitted  to  retain  its  individuality 
and  its  Colonel.  To  become  an  indis- 
tinguishable feature  in  what  NAPOLEON  B. 
vaguely  calls  "  a  Second  Line,"  is  quite 
another  thing.  Hints  that  when  BUODRICK 
designed  his  memorable  Six  Army  Corps 
he  visited  Wilts  disguised  as  a  fanner 
having  a  horse  to  sell,  and  made  secret 
inquiries  as  to  possibility  of  counting-in 
the  Imperial  Yeomanry  as  one  of  the  Six. 
Circumstances,  as  we  know,  prevented 
the  embodiment  of  the  far-reaching  plan, 
and  the  Royal  Wilts  remain  the  Prince 
of  Wales'  Own. 

That  by  the  way.  Merely  indicates 
the  exceptional  esteem  in  which  this 
fearless  Force  is  regarded  from  the 
highest  level  of  military  genius. 

Turning  aside  from  what  captious 
critics  might  regard  as  a  personal  point 
of  view.  Colonel  I/>xr:  put  in  a  word  of 
protest  on  behalf  of  the  Militia.  "  If," 
he  said,  making  a  pass  with  imaginary 
sword  across  the  Table  at  NAPOLEON  B., 
"you  lay  violent  hands  on  the  Militia 


<>f  Commons,  Mnmlni/,  March  4. 
One'  of   the   surprises   the   House  of 
Commons  has  in  store  for  Members  is 

the  presentation  from  time  to  time  of 
one  of  them  in  a  new  light.  \Ve  have 
long  known  and  loved  our  WU.TKK  LONG. 
Ksteem  him  .as  representative  of  best 
type  of  country  gentleman,  who  gives  up 
to  mankind  what  was  originally  meant 
for  high  farming.  In  succession  IK- has 
served  his  country  at  the  Local  (lovern- 
ment  Hoard,  the  Hoard  of  Agriculture, 
and  the  Chief  Secretary's  l/nlge. 

This  last  appointment  pnxif  of  fullest 
Confidence  on  part  of  belated  chief. 
From  time  to  time  crises  present  them- 
selves in  (iovernment  of  Ireland  when, 
as  PHISCK  Aitnnii  said  the  other  day,  the 
PREMIER  "don't  know  where  he  are." 

What  he  most    urgently  , Is   is  a   sale 

man,  one  who  may  be  depended  upon 
not  to  surprise  anybody.  At  such  a 
crisis  twenty  years  ago  Lord  SAUSW  in- 
found  \V.  II.  SMITH,  who,  for  the  necessary 
time,  admirably  filled  up  a  dangerous 
gap.  When,  after  MACiDoNNELL  incident, 
GEORGE  WYNTJHAM  was  heroically  sacrificed 


on  altar  of  Party  expediency,  PRINCE 
ARTHUR,  possibly  remembering  his  suc- 
cess in  stamping  out  rabies  by  resolute 
mii/./,ling,  turned  to  W.u/rKR  Loxo. 

These  tilings  are  familiar.  Surprise 
came  when,  this  afternoon,  NAPOLEON  B. 
H.U.DANK  having  expounded  his  Hill 
creating  a  territorial  Army,  the  ex-Chief 
Secretary  for  Ireland  was  put  up  to  reply 
from  Front  Opposition  Bench.  The 
Colonels  audibly  sniffed. 

Wliat  c;m  ho  know  of  warfare 
Who  only  Ireland  knows? 

They  had  forgotten,  or  never  learnt, 
that  in  rare  intervals  of  leisure  the 
Wiltshire  exile  to  South  Dublin  is  a  man 
of  war.  True,  he  took  up  military 
pui-suits  comparatively  late  in  life.  For 
full  nine  years  has  been  in  command  of 
Royal  Wilts  Imperial  Yeomanry.  Ixx-ally 
is  known  as  Colonel  I/INT,,  and  his 
ideas  on  Strategy  in  Time  of  Peace  are 
much  esteemed  in  Pall  Mall. 

Naturally  is  disposed  to  regard  with 
suspicion  any  scheme  which  absorbs  the 
Royal  Wilts  Imperial  Yeomanry  in  com- 
mon mass.  Would  not  be  indisposed 


"  I  say  again.  Sir, 

,'t  help   forget- 

ting    that      only 

resent 

oil  the  Hi-nelies 
o|.|>«site  during  n 
portion  of  the 
,  hof  llieSttSB- 
TARY  OK  SMH.  n.i: 
\V.\ltexplainingtliis 
Hill." 

The        Coh' 
impregualile  forget  - 
fillings  n-niii. 
of  a  notable  feature 
in  attiluileof  Hi  MI.-.- 
towards     tin-     vital 
i|i  !•-  lion  of   state  of 
Army     and     Navy. 
A«    CAUIJU. 


rtiunxo  "Eriimot"  rot  TIE  "Cornrrtv  I 
l-»ly  (ioJira  ride*  down  to  th«  lUrting-pi 
(Mr  A   K   \V.  M-»-n.  M.P.  for  Corwlry.) 

il  may  not  be  destroy!      Hut  I  uiul.-i 
take  to  KIV  no  Militiaman  would  know  nn 


himself  after  the  chang'-  has  lieen  effivted. 
He  would  hrcir  as  little  resemblance  to 
bin  former  self  as  some  people  do  after 
three  or  four  buuU  in  the  pugilistic 


ring 


The  vivid  picture  hero  flashed  on  wall 
of  a  Militiaman  with  bandaged  brnw, 
n  black  <•><•.  a  damaged  none  nnd  right 
arm  in  a  sling,  wondering  who  the 


\\lni  lie  wan,  crented  praiontd 


impression  on  Committee.  liitliertn  n 
little  bora).  N.  H.  M  .  rcmeml»oring 
some  anxious  moment  nt  Austerlitx.  felt 
(here  wan  no  tiuw  I"  IN-  l'*t.  Brought 
up  Old  (iiinnl  in  -h.ipe  ..f  tin. 
domre,  before  whi«-li  enemy  n-iri-at---!. 
nnd  Hill  rend  firM  time  without  ill 

I'.iitincn*  ilonr.     Territorial  Army  Hill 
intnidufed. 

Turning      It'ujhl.         Colonel      C'ARIJLE, 

who  at  Uenerai  Election  recnptured  St. 
AlUms  under  the  Unionist  flog,  does 
not  often  angle  for  the  Snuua's  eye. 
A  MKTMftful  attempt.  achieveil  just  U-f.  >re 
obtained  leave  to  bring  in  his 


Bill,  make*  1  1.  .use  hopeful  lli.it  he 
overcome  native  hoahfulnem.  I 
pining  at  a  rnotn 


Y].|.  '     \'ii|i-  '  " 
Rawing  his  voic.    ami   *hakii 


-1-e.iKKB,  I  can't 


,   expounding 
audience  onlv 


not  help  forgetting. 
N.  H.  II  .\IJ..\NKS 
speech  last  night. 
though  not  exceed- 
ing ait  hour  ami  a 
half  in  delivery. 
ch-an-d  the  Hem-lies 
as  if  it  were  a  IKIIII- 
]>oin  kittery.  Tliis 
afternoon  HoliKUT- 
Navy  Estimates,  had 

slightly  exoaediog  in 


Here  the  fail  •  >ng  bur-1 

••T.        With     ln-ig! 

ler     VOIIV,      tl. 

returned  to  the  charge. 


numlx-rs  that  which  hung  on  the  lips  of 
he  War  (lod.  Possible  to  lake  comfort- 
ng  view  of  the  circumstance  I >y  assuming 
hat  apparent  apathy  indicates  confidence 
n  the  Administration.  If  things  were 
?oing  wrong  with  either  Army  or  Navy. 
lie  sure  the  faithful  ('ominous  would  !»• 
m  the  alert. 

However    that     In'.    coiiMant     to     his 
liabit  this  Session.  I'HINCK   Ainiii  it   was 
in    his  place  watchful  over  inter' 
Empire   nnd    peccadillos    of     Ministers. 
IlisiiiiiMancy  gave  op].ortunity  of  neatly 
liobbling  ('.  B.      In  anticipation  of  mivl 
ing  of  Hague  Conference,  the   I'KKMIKII 
•  ihlislied    manifesto    jNiinting    out 
riilnction  in  the  Estimates  for  tin-  British 
Army  and  eke  the  v  mmcrgling 

example     to     Kon-ign     Powers.         Now 
yesterday     NAPOI.KMS     H.    <lemonstrate<l 
that,  whilst   economy   has  liccn   attained 
•.mvtioii  with   Army,  efficiency   has 
in.il. n.illv       increased.          "  Saim 
said    El'Mi  MI  Kniii:iti.Hi\  |i>  night 
-  ing  for  the  N.I 

"How's  that,  iimpiie?"  nskc<l  PIMM  i 
Auigi  H.  turning  to  the  Si-KVkK.li.      "  It   is 

lilnre.    but 
•length.      If   our    Army    and 

,-.|     Ui-.lker    for    offen-i\e     plir 

|-~i--.    but    str'uiger.   what  '•<   the 

our  going  to  the  Hague  ( 'onfen-nce  an 

-.   gi.nl    boy  am    I. 
my    Army    K.Mimai- 
..lid    the    Navy    Estimates 
0  thoii  and  do  likewise.'  " 
''..    v.-rj-   angry.     I  Vmpl.iincd    thn 


*RrxCK     A li nit  It     was    giving    the 

iinpatriotically      Miggi-sting      to 
n  diploinati-ts  what  otherwise  they 
voidd  not  have  thought  of. 

•  l'..ir    iniiK-ent- '  '     smile-.!     I'HIMT 
\ltnn  li.    in     aniMM-d     coiitc-mplation     of 
I   density  of  comprehension  in  the 
'liancellcrics  of  Knr. 

Itllfi  Hi'*:  ilnlli'.  li'i'IIKI!!S<iN  in  lllciil 
|H-.vh  explained  Navy  Kstimat'--.  ILm--e 
;,.!  into  Connnittee  tiien-on. 

\\',;lii,:-»l,lil.  When  the  X\Mli;s  left 
Bunion  it  «as  nnderstooil  they  carrie<l 
vith  them  s.cr.-l  of  thc-ir  scii  i 
c-lepathy.  If  they  cherislied  that  In-lief 
In-y  coiint.il  witJioiit  Su\n:v  Wn.-os. 
This  afternoon  he  delighted  crowded 
by  novel  development  of  the 
ntertainment. 

i.iiie-tion  from  Ministerial  side  ad- 
dressed to  ATIOIIM  0,  broiighl 
nidcr  his  notice  a  leaflet  isMied  during 
ilrigg  conti-sl  making  charge  again-t 
|>resent  (Jovernmcnt  analogous  to  the 
listorical  one  which  in  I '.\\NIM. '>  time 
ittribute<l  to  the  \\'liii;s  criminal  collu- 
sion with  blue  IK  it  tie  flies  invading 
mtchers'  shops.  In  short  it  :« 
liis  Majesty's  Ministers  of  puttiiiL;  up 
price  of  |(-,i  by  tlir.-ep<-nc<-  a  pound. 

ATTONM  \  <;i.\n;\i.  having  made  judi- 
•ial  reply,  Sr\M.i:v  Wn.- N  t.».k  the 

low. 

It  fortuitously  hap|x-in-d  this  morning 
that  local  gr.«-.'f  -.  r\ed  II|IHI  him  notii-e 
that  the|iriceof  1.  a  had  gone  up  b/.  peril), 
md  ihnateneda  ii>e  of  1  \:l.  I'ntling 
the  document  in  his  pocket  with  intent 


"  A»I. 
Sir.  Artli  r  '/.MV\K  \V-!«-n. 


MMICII   13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


195 


In  find  a  <|iiict.  hour  in  the  Library  or 
on  the  Terrace  in  which  he  might 
review  household  expenses  uiid  see 
where  economies  might  lie  elVecled  to 
meet  this  ineriMiirnl  (doubtless  due  to 
machinations  of  a  l.ilieral  Government  i. 
he  found  it  there  when  the  question  of 
the  Hrigg  leaflet  lea  |  KM  I  to  the  front. 

Producing  the  circular,  which  dill'iiscd 
a  distinct  smell  of  cheese,  he  asked  the 
ATTORNEY-*  !ENKII.M.  whether  in  this  matter 
the  learned  gentleman's  domestic  exju-ri- 
ence  tallied  with  his  own  ? 

"Does     the     ATTOKNOT-GENKBAL,"     he 
insisted,    "know    that     within    the    last 
ten  days  the   price  of  tea  has 
gone  up  three   ha'pence    per 
pound  ?  " 

SPEAK  Kit  ruled  interposition 
out  of  order.  WII.SON  resumed 
his  seat  and  quietly  proceeded 
with  his  telepathic  exercise. 

Process  simple.  Taking  the 
grocer's  circular  from  his 
breast-coat  pocket  and 
whispering,  after  the  manner 
of  Mr.  ZANCK;,  "Now  this?" 
he  held  it  up  to  view  of  lion. 
Members  below  Gangway 
opposite.  They  knew  it  at 
sight  and  broke  into  roar  of 
execration.  His  expectation 
justified,  ZANCIO,  M.P.  re- 
turned the  document  to  liis 
pocket,  and  silence  fell  upon 
the  House.  Half  a  minute 
later  o.it  it  came  again  with 
murmured  "Now  this?" 
Once  more  gentlemen  opposite 
howled,  throwing  themselves 
about  on  the  Benches  in  rage. 
The  circular  withdrawn  from 
view  they  subsided.  A  third 
time  it  was  shown  them,  with 
the  same  startling  demon- 
stration of  telepathic  com- 
munication. 

The  game  might  have  gone 
on  for  rest  of  sitting,  only 
SPEAKER  spotting  it  sternly 
cried  "Order!  Order!"  and 
the  next  turn  was  called. 

Business  done.  —  In  Com- 
mittee on  Army  Estimates. 


EAR-SIGHT. 
(A  note  on  tin'  Eidophone.) 

A  M.\\  terror  awaits  the  professional  or 

amateur  critic  of  music  and  elocution 
that  of  an  over- developed  sense  of  colour- 
sounds.  .Mrs.  XoitiHKSK  WII.SON,  lecturing 
la>t  Wednesday  on  the  subject  at  the 
Kustace  Miles  Restaurant,  assured  her 
hearers  that  Madame  MKI.IIA'S  voice 
immediately  suggests  a  delicate  lilac 
with  a  broad  violet  streak,  and  the 
Divine  Sunn's  is  mostly  rosy  red  with  a 
high  vibration  of  green  (not  golden,  as 


who  from  time  to  time  import  their 
sprightly  rliiiiixniii'tti'H  from  Montmartre 
embarrass  us  still  further  with  an  au- 
dilile  atmosphere  of  French  ultramarine 
suffused  with  pink?  "l.\  I  OIK"  with 
her  lime-light  effects  would  be  child's- 
play  to  this. 

The  extra-fastidious  tympanum  would 
have  an  equally  trying  time  in  the  House. 
It  would  have  to  "sense"  the  cross- 
currents of  the  I'ICIME  MINISTER'S  or  Mr. 
Hu. Hint's  oratory  translated  into  the 
hues  of  a  Scotch  plaid  or  heather-mixture 
shot  with  pea-green  laughter  from 
factious  opponents,  and  the  result  would 
be  frontal  headache  for  the 
Strangers'  Gallery.  Mr.  WIN- 
STON CHURCHILL,  in  his  more 
callow  outbursts,  can  be  con- 
ceived as  shedding  forth  rays 
of  raw  sienna,  hedgesparrow 
egg  tint  and  canary  yellow ; 
and  an  aura  of  mummy,  burnt 
umber  and  bitumen  might 
surround  the  less  exhilarating 
periods  of  Mr.  LUPTON  or  the 
Weary  WEIR. 

This  colour-music  business, 
therefore,  is  too  complex  and 
kaleidoscopic  for  the  ordinary 
ear-drum  to  contemplate. 
What  the  visual  equivalent  of 
the  voice  of  the  nocturnal  cat, 
the  hoot  of  the  motor-car,  or 
the  song  of  the  average 
gramophone  may  be,  we  dare 
not  picture.  Indeed,  we  would 
rather  not  trifle  further  with 
two  of  the  five  senses,  or  we 
shall  be  asked  to  smell  and 
taste  with  our  ears  as  well. 
We  are  at  present,  thank  you, 
comfortably  colour-deaf,  and 
cannot  afford  to  keep  a  private 
eidophone. 


Ifefminctl  Ctntnibal   (with  a   drmd/ul  past). 

t    I'VE    GOT    lilllTISII    HUIOD    IN    MA    VEINS." 


1  I    MAY    DK   I1LACK,  S.VII, 


The  Value  of  Gesticulation. 
'Tin:     Groom's    Story'    of    CONAN 
DOYLE  was  next  recited  by  Mr.  OSMOM> 
HOPE,  and  here  again  the  master  hand 
was  clearly  shown." 

Middlesex  Count.ij  Times. 


"The  author  of  'She  Stoops  to  Conquer '  is 
almost  as  dangerous  as  NAPOLEON  for  kha  hero 
of  a  play.  .SinainiAS  lias  Income  a  tradition  of 
wit,  just  as  NAPOLEON  has  become  a  tradition 
of  ivnuji-Ncli'ss  will." — Daily  Neics. 

Bui  why  drag  in  GOLDSMITH  ? 


we  have  been  brought  up  to  think), 
while  Mr.  FORBES  HOBERTSON  has  the 
melancholy  and  subtle  magnetism  of  a 
minor  chord  which  fluctuates  between 
indigo  and  red. 

It  really  won't  do  to  let  this  state  of 
things  grow  on  us.  Fancy  not  only 
having  to  listen  to  the  clamant  shrieks 
of  the  Suffragettes'  war- song,  but  also 
to  sec  with  the  cultivated  ear  a  nimbus 
of,  say,  vermilion  and  madder  carmine 
playing  like  an  aurora  borealis  round 
the  head  of  a  Mrs.  DESI-ARADO  or  a  Miss 
Si'AXKHURST.  Such  an  apparition  would 
turn  the  public,  as  well  as  the  unfortunate 
policemen,  a  permanent  blue.  Would 
not  also  the  discuses  and  other  artistes 


Atlianai-'ian  Creed. 


"  Can  any  Clergyman,  of  mode- 
rate views,  kindly  recommend  an 
Unfurnished  Housein  the  country?  " 

BUT  what  about  thefixtures? 

It  is  very  tricky  work  using 
a  bath  (h.  and  c.)  which  is 
not  quite  sound  about  the 


"Mr.  ALFRED  ROTHSCHILD  has  lent  his  own 
private  band,  and  every  seat  in  the  house  is 
secured."—  Krenimj  AYiro. 

IN  these  days  of  Art  thieves  you  have 
to  be  careful  with  the  Chippendale. 

"  As  some  misapprehension  exists  with  regard 
to  the  huntsman  appointed  to  succeed  ABTIICR 
THATCHER  with  the  C'ottesmore,  it  may  be  stated 
that  it  is  SAM  OII.LSON,  the  Bedale  huntsman, 
who  was  previously  with  the  South  and  West 
Wilts  Hcmmls,  and  CHAIII.ES  OILLSON,  the 
.Mrym-ll  huntsman,  who  has  secured  the  coveted 
post." — Mnrkcl  llnrboroitfjh  Adrerlieer. 

AND  if,  after  that,  any  misapprehension 
still  exists,  well,  all  we  can  say  is  that 
people  really  are  very  dull  nowadays. 


;  | 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


MAIICII    13,    ! 


THE 

l 


MISSED    MEET. 

i/W  ../  rlu>  <  V. 
hoar-frost  Imp-mi  in  the  •hade,  and  time  l;iy  whit.-  m 

ilu-  ivint.T  landscape  pkyed 

a  as  mill)  a*  V 

Willi  tr.impling  li<«>f  and  HtirrurM-link 
'I'd.-  1.111."  I.  n.-.,  tli  llii-ni  nn 
Whole  batnlrls  ran  to  wati-h  them  prink  in  l.rown  ami  yellow. 

black  nii'l  pink  . 
ltliili.lv  lliry  Inn.'1  "«: 

S.  for  lli.-  meet  n.de  IUiii»>niK.  Sim 
0*100*  ami  Hkl....-..mi  Hi  U>:K-Hl!"WV.aml<;i;t  MHV  null" 

Po  mwt  the  lioiiiuls  nl   Han-  I'ark   Cat.-;  lie  r.sid  was  long. 

tin-  tiim-  grew  lal.-. 
An.l  still  th.  .  inflate. 

Tin-  unfamiliar  way. 
The  t.<i.l  .livid.  tl  l.-ft  .111.  1  right, 

^ii|-»st  there  t.>  yniili*; 
I'he  right-hand  nod  lay  cold  an.l  white,  tlicl.-rt-liaml.l>:llli.tl 

ill  snn-hine.  liriyhl. 
And  fair,  ami  smooth.  an.l  wide  : 
tli.'  l.-ft  r.«li«  Ihiiinm.K.  Siu.iroK, 
JtKkJHand  Hm<;<.saml  Hi  U>.«  Hls.w  \.  ami  (  iRI'MliY  on  the  grey. 

Hi.-  fair  wide  rua.l  Uvame  a  l.in.'.  ami  to  a  rart  -truck  shrank 

amain 

A  r.irl  tr.ii-k.  add  at  that  not  plain 
And  fn-tfid  men  w.-n-  they  ; 
l-'-u-li  in  lii-  ^luni  forcl>oding  -lint. 
Through  field*  forliirn  tli.-y  Bled, 
And   followi-d   till    tin-   grass-grown    nit.   liy   wains  of  Knrly 

l\iii.'l:ind  cut. 
\Vji-.  l««t  in  empty  wild. 
And  empty,  wild,  were  llviii»rn>:.  SIIJ.IIOK. 
UtMCXniid  HKKJO  and  Hi  i.mt  Hls.w  \.  and  (  ilii  «nv  on  t  lie  grey. 

Ami   now  with   r-aulinii.    now   with    liastc.    now   Smth.    now 

North,  now  K;ist  they  fa«-.-<l  ; 
-.  nuidly  spiin-in^  thmu>;h  the  waste 
(For  frantic  men  were  I 
A  noil  they  thundered  unawares 
I'l-.n  a  Km'lty  man 
A  *ini|>le  ru-.ti,-  w-tim);  Mi:in-N.    Imapc  of  Kvil  flowing  tare*, 

lie  leapt,  ami  looked,  and  nil  ; 
And  after  him  rode  II  M.-H.I'II  i\  Sui.iroi;. 
GtKXMandBlkxifiand  IU  NJJ:  Hi.-owN.and  Cm  unv  on  thogrry 


Ill-  r.-d  right  hand  out  straight  he  threw  : 
"  Mar.-  Park  ?"  he  mns,-d.  "  Hare  Park?" 
would  indu-ate  Peru.  ju«t  wh.-re  the  distance  met  the 

blue 

Hi-  .11:11  .l.--.-liU-d  all  arc. 
And  fuming  left  him  HvJiU'im  .  Su  i  : 

ml  Hum:  -Hl»  .\\v.andCltr\lli\  on  the  grey. 

\ll  thro'  the  waning  afternoon  they  prick. -.1  towards  the  dead 

white  tin  on  : 

No  trace,  no  sign  of  lord  or  loon : 
Hcfore  them  Kack.-d  away 
The  simo  long,  hl.-ak  hori/oti  line. 
The  same  grimacing  whins. 
M,-. daft  sh.vp.  the  same  cr.siked  whine,  the  -am.'  wide 

down,  outrolled.  supine. 
As  like  as  any  pins  ; 
»W,  depress,.,!,  p-dr  Hviannil.  Sill' 
ml  l!i:ii:<:-  and  Hi  l.l.r.i:  Hi.'oWN.and  Ilia  Mli^  on  lli. 

P.y    whin-   and    sh.^p,   morose,   adroop.  nnlil    the   -mi's    i 
westering  sti«>ii 

Shot  out  hcfore  the  jaded  troop 

Hi.-  la-t  expiring  ray  : 

It  Hickered  through  the  wood  -rnok.-'-  i 

KiiuestH-.  fragrant,  warm, 
On  happy  horn. -I.  ad-,  miry  ways,  and  lighted  in  a  linal  hla/.e 


a  M-arlet  fonu  ! 

Then  h-apt  the  hearts  of  11  Miimi  n  r..  Sim 
and  Hlilccsand  Hi  111  i:  l'.i:o\v\.  and  I  ilti  Mia  on  ll. 


•  hildren's 
wad 


\V.  r. 


iim  . 
Mown,  at 


"••Zt.tr 


They  cried.  "  'Tis  Hi  s  the  whip|>ei-  in      his  shoulders  and  his 

clut-ry  grin  ; 

And  \.in  's  the  WINK!  the  hounds  an-  in. 
M>   s.'.ul      my  life      I  '11  la>  '  " 
Then  spurred  they  o'er  the  space  liclw.-en. 
And  naught  could  stay  or  hold  : 
ml    the    turf  land    sound    and    green     yawned    a    m 

oliseiire.  unclean. 
I/iathly.  and  dank,  and  cold  ; 
Hut  into  it  plung.-d  llM:i»>nir.  Sim 
QtlOOPand  l'.|.-n...-aiid  Hi  I  l.l.i:  Hlto\\v.  and  I '.in  MIIV  on  the  grey 

And      tho'      the     rank     slough     sucked     an<l     clo^'^.-d,     lhe\ 
wallowed,  lloiinden-d.  dragg.-<l  ami  ll. 

I'mil  triiiniphant.  waterlogged, 

ivoiiry  men  were  (!.• 

Si  not  here.  I  in  -linn-  fn.m  spurs  l.i  ~iiK-ks, 
I'liHim-hing.  k.-en  as      mill. 

n    of   huntsman,  hound   or    fo\  :     naught    hut    a    rura 
l.-lt.-r  !K.\. 
t,  regardant,  gules. 

Cai Ir.-.i.lfnl  words  from  llutiv.ni.i  .  Sn.t.iioi:. 

ami  HIM and  H:  :  I  N.and  I  ll:i  MliVou  the  grey 

•  *  •  •  • 


MARCH  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


197 


Firft  Farmer.   "TllEY  TEI.L   ME  AS   'OW  THAT  THERE    ABTI8T    CHAP  AS  WAS   DP   'ERE   LAST  YEAR,   GOT   FIVE  POUNDS   FOB   HIS   PICTURE   OF  TIIB 
OLD   "OUSE." 

Second  Farmer.  "Go  'LONG  WITH  Ton,  MR.  STCBBB.     WHY,  THE  'OUSB  ITSELF  AIN'T  WORTH  IT!" 


A  crimson  smoulder  in  the  West ;  the  last  late  crow  had  won 

to  rest ; 

A  breath  of  ice  that  gripped  the  chest — 
And  freezing  died  the  day. 
A  hoof-struck  flint-spark  lit  the  gloam, 
A  shivering  horn-shake  rang ; 
With  hammering  drum  on  lane  and  loam,  and  pattering  feet 

as  light  as  foam, 

And  crop-thong's  whistling  bang, 
At  last  the  hounds  met  HARBOTTLE,  SILLITOE, 
GRIGGS  and  BRIGGS  and  BULLEH-BROWN,  and  GRUMBY  on  the  grey. 

"  Good-night,"  the  Huntsman  cried,  "  Good-night !    Been  with 

the  Harriers,  eh  ? — All  right, 
You  've  missed  a  clinking  day — 
But  raving  home  wont  HARHIVITI.F.,  SILLITOE, 
GRIGGS  and  BRIGGS  and  BULLER-BROWN,  and  GRUMBY  on  the  grey. 

A    Remarkable    Stag1. 

"  It  reminded  one  of  the  bye  gone  glories  of  an  age  which  has,  alas, 
departed  in  our  midst,  when  landlord  and  tenant  met  together  in 
friendly  rivalry  to  participate  in  the  enjoyment  of  the  hunt  with 
well-carparonised  steeds  to  storm  the  walled  fences  and  boggy  marshes 
of  our  district,  and  to  bring  home  the  trophies  of  the  hunt."- — UaUymena 
Obnerrer. 

THERE  is  a  lot  more  of  this  before  the  second  stag  "  took 
refuse  "  in  a  house,  "  when  the  day's  interesting  proceedings 
concluded." 


THOUGHTS  AT  THE  SOUTH  AFRICA  EXHIBITION. 

I  ENVY,  cypher  that  I  am, 

The  rich  tea-planters  of  Assam, 

The  man  who  plays  on  the  tam-tam, 

Or  has  a  rod  on  the  Mimram, 

Or  strokes  a  winner  on  the  Cam, 

Or  rides  in  an  Embankment  tram. 

I  much  admire  my  uncle  SAM, 

Bleak  Tartary's  tremendous  CHAM, 

NANSEN,  as  happy  as  a  clam, 

Careering  northwards  in  his  Fram, 

The  Baroness  VON  HUTTEN'S  Pam, 

The  gifted  lawyer,  ABEL  RAM, 

The  novelist,  AMALIE  SKRAM, 

The  lexicographer  called  DAMM, 

The  genial  humorist,  CHARLES  LAMB, 

Cap.  WEBB,  who  once  the  Channel  swam, 

B.  STOKER,  commonly  called  BRAM, 

Great  RAXJI,  alias  the  JAM. 

And  yet  such  greatness  is  a  sham, 

Or  at  the  best  a  little  shun, 

A  one-horse  show,  a  baby's  pram, 

Compared  to  thine,  Sir  PIETER  BAM  ! 


"  Married  man  desires  change." — Glavyow  fltenirvj  Citizen, 
WE  can  well  believe  it. 


I ft 


1TNVH.   nil   TI1K    LONDOH    rMMMVAl!!. 


M> 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

• 

Is  Mr    MiKlil-rt  \V  \    M»l"<mmrr    1  •.!•>'.• 

/>rr.M. 

round.     h  teBaoIt.  onmeni  H,-, 

tMeiher  lo  play  SuKflnunV  n'  i'"'  unilcr 

theopan*ky.  the  ladies  are  nil  indiBtinguishably  attractive, 
and  nil  equally  prepared  to  U-  the  hero's  choice.  Indeed 
you  an-  half  through  tin-  U"k  U-f.  >"  I''11  <""- 

fromanoth.  'ir  milky  way  throogli  tin-  galaxj 
of  beuuty  M  aa  hard  aa  to  thn'.ul  tin-  ma/.y  richly 

l<imt,-l  by  the  author,  in  which  his  chnrac-ters  are  f 
login,,  '.in'.  cha-ing  an«l  chaaed. 
.natynf,  who  oarriee  all  More  him.  ho  is  gifted 
with  fathomleM  reao«*Mol  HMD-talk, a  pleaaantlj  cqnfidanl 
linhit  of  taking  no  denial,  and  several  eligible  estates.  Apart 
from  these  advantage*,  on«-  is  often  at  a  !••*.-  to  recogniaa  the 
secret  of  a  devastating  charm  which  is  apparent  rather  in  its 
effects  than  in  it»  proceaeea.  The  story  shows  more  gaiety 
than  wit  and  more  wit  than  humour.  Hut  it  is  galkntlx 
t«.M.  and  suggest*,  with  its  atmoaphfln  of  dryad  and  nyni|.]i 
and  middle  aged  fniin.  »  line  uvular  feeling  fur  llu-  joy  of 
living  in  the  sun.  

(in  the  paper  covers  of  Mr.  MAX  PKMBFJUOX'S  novel.  Tin- 
Diaman.1  S/ii;>  (('writ.!,  there  is  a  note  kindly  framed   with 
to  Riving  us  tin-  trouble  of  r.-ading  the  liook.     Tin- 
writer  of  it  U-gins  thus  jauntily  : 

Thr  l>i-im'»«i  Skip  n  the  floating  home 
(If  a  hcmt  of  dmpniii! 

and   tlit-n.  evi<li-iitly  applied  at   the  task  of  finding  rhyme*, 
the  full   htop  in   tame  prose.     loiter  on   he 
makes  an. . t  b.-r  h.df  hi-.irt.d  attempt  with 
<  in-  "f  llir  U-t  <lrnrri|iti«i-  ««fn«t 

Tlwt  harp  comr  from  tin-  nutlior'n  |>on. 

Tlien  tinally  he  given  the  muse  the  K"  '»>'.  This  is  disip- 
l<  miiiiR.  Tlie  firxt  staiiKi  mi>{lit  so  well  have  run  : 

7V  ttuimond  X/n>  i-  (In-  Hinting  home 
(If  •  bout  of  <l<-|»  r.xlurit, 

\Vli.i  an-  fo;|f.|  I iy  tin-  ln-lj>  ->f »  wily  gnome 

From  the  land  of  UK  wiar*  Mikadui. 

He  ian't  really  a  gnume.  lie  is  the  hem's  minu'ulous 
.lapnm-M-  ner\-nnt.  a  jn-rffx-t  nuin-el  of  uhicpiity  mid  unassum- 
ing omnipotence.  I  think  there  never  was  a  more  capalilc 
person.  Ilia  omnipotence  in  only  equalled  by  his  master's 
omniwience.  The  uero's  irarking  of  the  h<wi  of  di-s|iennl«es, 
nn<l  his  unerring  fore-knowledge  of  their  next  move,  are 
ex. MM). I.--  of  marvelloiig  intuition.  Terminally,  in  detix-tive 
work.  I  prefer  deduction  to  intuition.  Hut  1  dare  say  this 
u  men- ei  

It  H  <«ld  ti>  n-fle«-t    hyvr   maDeaUe   «i-    are   in  the  hands  of 
fleniua.     Few  would  care   for  the  <i>inpiiny  of  a   majority  of 
the  peraona  wlio  pbiy  tln-ii   part   in  It'iiniiiinj  \\'<iti-r  \\«\x-i:\< 
n  i-  Mr    \'  -ilment.  so  allur- 

ing bin  tinirli.  ti  i  te«l  I  iy  the  ajwur.ino-  they  will  have 

jiwtice  done  to  them   I-  he<|  we 

follow  with  growing    mi'-p  -t    tlieir  <!•  ;^-.     With 

three  •  term    Alpine   guide,    a  minor 

Character      all    the   fxiiple   in    I  Irels.      The 

chieffwt.    H-irrii-  .    f.itlier    of     I  --    heroine. 

i>y   r«%is<>u  of    :  iniut    llian  of  his 

courage.     Apart  from  the  pld  .  !!•  i  t 

piece*  .  i!i-lnp.    the  1>  •    r.ire   <h.inn 

iMTiting  the  irn«-'  Vlpine  .-wenery  and 

•.en  tn  th  Mr   WiiVVPf.li  laid  down  li 

rip  I 
ii    I'haynr   tmrking   th«»   uteps  of  the  aim.dile  I 


im.  with    murd. -roiis   ii  •  ..illy 

,,„„!  v  youth  ovi-r  the  Hn-n\a  Clacier.  i-  tlirill- 

linisliiii^  touch    U-iiig  given    l.y  the   fact    tli.il 
i  llie  ilaiigllter  of  the  pur-ued. 

The   i tini:   "f   the   two   principal   men    in  Tin-    K'IIIXIIKIII 

iUd.    I  iy    Mr-.    Ainn.l.   - 

words:    "The  two  men  i;a/cd  .it  eacli  other  fa-ciuated.     They 
C    height,    the   Millie    make,    the  -ur  ; 

feature  for  feature  their  face,  were  bewilderingly  alike." 
This  is  nithiT  a  lirilliant  idea.  You  see  the  situations  that 

tin-in  <-ti il    JKif.i  <i f   tin-  olln-r.  anil 
nobody  irill  !><•  nut/ tin-  .ln-t  think  of  the  in.wiliili- 

Think    of     irlidt  's   that  ?      It   h:ts    I 

ill,.  I  mi  her!  ....  Well,  how  a)  Mint  this  then?  now  this 
really  in  funny.  One  of  the  men.  /!••!•/  t'i,innnn<j<-.  U  an  awful 
Ixiunder,  and  he  passes  him.-elf  olT  as  his  ari>locnitii-  cousin. 
and  goes  into  Sn-iety.  and  shakes  hands  with  the  footman, 
and  wears  glo\es  al  dinner,  and  ien-party  in  a 

fr(K-k-<-oiit   and    wliili-   llanncl   trous«Ts,  and      U  Iml  .'     Ti 
Urn    done  U •;  Oh.  h«.k    here  .  ...  Oh    well.  A 

.  .  and  .We.  Hopkinton      well,  if  yon  're   going  to  include 
|,lays  .  .  .  in-.  I  never  heard  of  W  MIIIIIV.      Hut  if  \<- 


that,    everything   has    Urn    done    U-fore  .  .  .  What    did 

V  .u  don't  like  the  idea  anyhow  V  You  think  it  '- 
U-a-tly  snoMiish  you  hate  that  horrible  air  of  superiority  ''. 
All  right  then,  don't  n-ail  the  Umk.  Anyhow  it  's  light  and 
bright  and  amusing,  and  that's  more  than  can  U>  .-aid  for 
most  of  your  novel.*. 


The   /W   <i/  r,,ii//i,-rl,  fi.-,|\  -Crinkled 

with    blood    as    the    sawdust     in   a    bnlcher's  simp,    and    all 
Uraiise  '/'»»//  I'lillim-r  kissed  his  ilaiigllter  and 

was  blackmailed  by  the  g;iiiieki'e|H-r's  daiighlcr'-  papa.  Ili- 
friend  ItfriKiiil  .l/>/»//7)i/.  in  order  to  keep  from  the  know] 
of  Tumi's  lie)  rot  lied  the  episode  of  the  stolen  kiss,  took  II|HIH 
himself  the  suspicion  of  having  killed  the  blackmailing 
gentleman,  and  hurriedly  left  Kngland  for  the  shores  of  Cuba. 
There  he  Urame  embniilitl  in  the  insumrtion  again-t  Spain 
and  |M-rfonue<l  pmdigie-  of  \almir.  Meanwhile  'I'"";/  dwelt 
at  home,  mor  .....  •  let-s  at  east-,  allowing  his  U-lrolhed  and 
others  to  think  that  llci-iini-il  was  guilty,  though  the  affair 
n-.dly  the  result  of  an  aivident,  until,  to  blunt  the  |«iu  |'i'iek- 
of  his  <-onsci,-nee.  he  followed  his  friend  to  Cuba  and  atoniil 
for  hi.-  doc-ption  by  living  an  insurgent's  death.  Mr.  ll\l;oi.t> 
Hisi'lo-s  bas  written  his  story,  of  which  theaU.vi-  i-  a  \er.v 
iui|K-rf«vt  skeleton,  with  rare  skill.  The  lighting  in  Cuba  is 
as  thrilling  :i  -  niguinary.  the  chnractcr-drnwin 

stnmg,  and  the  U>ok.  as  .We.  I'tun-li   remarke.l  of  another  t.de 
by  the  same  author,  is  strongly  nvommendc-d. 


I    find    r>illi>-r   Wif*   <'li  nni'icl,.-     Ki-m  i:    I'suix.l.v   the 
late  N'oiu  ('KI.--OS.  rather  a  bewildefii  •.   even  of 

the*  names  of  the  men  and  women  who  throng  its  pages  can 
1    remember.      I-'<illn-r    l'A\t    mii-t    ha\e    U-<-n   a   charming 

person    to   Hurt.   I    if   a   chronicler's    busiin'-s    b< Iy   to 

chronicle  he  did  ii  to  perfirtioii.  Hut  ho  fails  as  a  story- 
teller Urause  he  has  so  main  lo  loll,  so  many 
people  to  intmdmi-  that  th.  'i-lantly  elUiwing  i-ach 
other  out  of  the  way.  As  -  u  U'giu  to  know  a  new 
face  it  i-  l>st  in  the  crowd.  Hut  what  on.-  does  carry  away 
racking  inipiv—  ion  of  the  cruellies  practi-ed  and 
enili.  ••  by  l-'nglislimen  in  the  year  of 
MI  1'I.V  Tow. nd-  the  1  ud  of  the  Ucik  there  is  an 
extraordinarily  vivid  and  painful  account  of  the  infliction  of 
the,.  :pon  (hi-  Lidy  ll\w:--  !••  M  \\iii.vni.i;, 
which  shou.  Mi,  ('in  IHIWIT  of  writing  at  its  very 

i-  to  Kiiffer  ill  olio'-,   own    p. 

.    ' 
offering. 


MAIU-H  LJ0,  1'JOT.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1!)!) 


Tramp.  "TLEASE,  MUM,  UK  AN'  MY  MATE  ABE  SHIPWRECKED  SAILORS " 

Lady.  "  FIDDLESTICKS  !    NEITHER  OF  YOU  WAS  EVER  KEAR  THE  SEA." 
Tramp.  "  QUITE  RIGHT,  LADY.    WE  WAS  ON  A  AIRSHIP  !  " 


THE  GAUD.  THAT  I  LOVE. 

[Lanes  suggested  by  reading  notes  in  a  horticultural  journal,  on  the 
culture  of  "  munis,"  i.e.,  chrysanthemums,  and  advice  for  growing 
"  toins  "  and  "  cues  " — otherwise,  tomatoes  and  cucumbers.] 

COMK  forth,  my  AMANDA!     The  ground  may  be  hard, 
^  et  fancy  can  cover  our  beautiful  gard. 
With  all  the  delights  of  the  season  to  come, 
From  the  earliest  croc,  to  the  ultimate  mum. ; 
Anil  see,  as  the  first  of  the  flowery  crop, 
I  hand  you  the  delicate  white  of  the  snop. ! 

The  tul.  and  the  by.  are  beginning  to  peep, 

The  narc.  and  the  daff.  are  awaking  from  sleep ; 

And  here  is  the  "primrose" — don't  quote  me  the  phrase 

Which  \Voiiiis\vonTii  invented  for  one  of  his  lays, 

But  leave  the  superfluous  suffix  to  him, — 

To  us  it  is  nothing  on  eartb  but  a  "  prim." 

That  border  I  'm  rather  inclining  myself 
To  plant  with  perenna. — sucb  as  paeon,  and  delph.; 
Unless  with  the  coming  of  June  you  'd  prefer 
A  bedding  arrangement  of  begon.  and  ger. 


Of  course  in  each  garden,  if  little  or  big, 

You  're  bound  to  make  room  for  the  odorous  mig. 

You  ask  about  vegies.     I  look  with  a  hearty 
Approval  on  crops  of  Jerusalem  arti., 
While  as  for  the  fruit,  it's  sufficient,  perhaps, 
To  have  an  abundance  of  pears  and  of  apps. 
And  yet  I  would  like,  for  the  sake  of  our  jams — 
Kay,  start  not,  AMANDA — unlimited  dams ! 


FROM  Tlie  Chronicle  "Office  Window": 

"  This  column  does  not  often  talk  golf,  or  chess  or  bridge,  for  games 
are  meant  to  lie  played  ;  not  talked  about.  But  for  once  let  the  rule  be 
broken.  On  Saturday  evening  the  man  opposite  declared  '  No  trumps.' 
He  led  the  two  of  diamonds." 

And  now,  having  broken  two  rules,  let  us  return  to  our 
reminiscences  of  Oriel,  and  leave  games  alone  for  a  bit. 


Taking  their  Pleasures   Sadly  Again. 
"  THE  Town   Council  are  turning  their  attention  to  the 
weiring  of  the  river,  in  order  that  boating  fatalities  may 
be  enjoyed." — Natal  Witnett. 


,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIV.MM. 


[MABCH  20,  1907. 


A    SMART    SET-BACK. 


I/no  ago,  the  sport  of  vain  ambition, 

I  had  nursed  a  secret  whim 
For  establishing  a  firm  position 

Dan*  le  mouMment  (in  the  swim) ; 
I  had  had  my  high  and  eager  heart  set 

On  the  grandest  prize  of  all, 
On  a  close  communion  with  the  Smart  Set, 

On  a  place,  however  small, 
'Mid  the  heroes  and  the  heroines  of  the  upper  servant*  halL 

Poring  over  my  patrician  papers, 

Packed  with  many  a  purple  plum, 
I  had  read  about  their  week-end  capers, 

And  the  things  they  made  to  hum ; 
I  had  heard  of  priceless  goods  and  chattels 

Cheerfully  reduced  to  hay ; 
Heard  of  how  they  fought  in  bolster-battles, 

Took  the  staircase  on  a  tray, 
And  in  fact  were  rather  wicked  in  a  reckless  sort  of  way. 

And  the  thought  would  make  my  bosom  flutter 

With  desire  of  "seeing  life," 
With  the  lust  of  laying  slides  of  butter 

For  the  Worldling  and  his  Wife ; 
But  alas !  I  knew  no  country  houses 

Where  my  hostess  left  us  free 
To  indulge  in  these  refined  carouses, 

And  the  fear  occurred  to  me : 
"  Shall  I  never  then  contribute  to  the  vogue  of  Father  V. ! 

"  Shall  my  aim  in  life  be  wholly  wasted  ! 

Shall  they  say,  when  I  am  dead, 
4  There  he  lies,  poor  worm,  who  never  tasted 

Of  the  wine  when  it  was  red ; 
Never  drenched  his  partner's  frock  with  soda, 

Never  took  a  manly  part 
In  a  bout  of  booby-traps,  or  showed  a 

Trace  of  true  creative  Art ; 
In  a  word,  to  put  it  broadly,  he  was  never  really  smart.'  " 

Yet  there 's  one  who,  haply  being  jealous 

Of  a  so  exclusive  ring, 
Mocks  the  Smart  Set,  has  the  face  to  tell  us 

He  suspects  there 's  no  such  thing ; 
And  I  find  a  certain  consolation 

In  his  bold  agnostic  view 
Of  that  "  sinister  association," 

And  I  think,  my  lord  of  Crewe, 
I  will  be  content  remaining  well  outside  the  pale    with  you 


il  ';iis  :   <'<ml<l  IXmXhy  afford  to  buy  A/in  tilk 

at  on  £.'5<H>  ci  ;/••<!  r/ 

Various    answers    have    Ixvn   received,   and    a  selection   is 
rinted   1-1   W.      Perhai  in<»t  interesting  are  from 

!r  Cu:n.   MM  IT.  and  -Mr.  A.  -I.  lUi >.>i  it.      Mr.  iSiut.  MMLK 
well-known  actor-manager.     He  ^"8  born  in  I»ndon 
.,„!  edue.,'  .  irterhoune,  his  principal  recrea- 

ions  l*-ing  cycling,  tithing,  shooting  ami  riding.     A  i«>pular 
member  of   the   (i.irriek   ami    Beefsteak   Hubs,   Mr.  M 

s  to  us  as  follows:  — 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — In  answer  to  your  question,  "CouM 
Dorothy  afford  to  buy  A/in  silk  pyjamas  on  £300  a 
reply  tli.it  it  depends  on  a  good  many  things.  That  the 
fUDUO  takes  a  keen  interest  in  tin-  problem  is  shown  by  the 
k>x  Office  receipts,  which  all  j«>int  to  the  fart  that  //<•>•  .Son  is 
lie  finest  play  that  has  been  staged  for  many  years,  and  one 
bat  no  Londoner  can  afford  to  miss.  V  I'uin.  MM 

Mr.  A.  J.  BALFOUR  is  well  known  to  our  readers.  Me  was 
»rn  in  1  .•>!•>.  i-  a  liachrlor,  and  was  Prime  Minister  and 
•"iret  l>ird  of  the  Treasury  in  the  last  Ministry.  He  is  now 
n  Opposition,  but  his  many  friends  f.-»-l  convinced  that  it 
vill  not  be  long  before  he  has  once  more  the  reins  of  power 
n  his  hands.  He  writes : — 
'  i  lave  not  seen  play." 

Other  contributions   to   this  enthralling  question  are  as 
ollows:— 

DEAR.  MR.  POUCH, — Why  ever  not?    Assuming  Dorothy  to 
>e  a  good  domesticated  woman  who  reads  "  Our  Housewives' 
'"Innm"  regularly,  her  expenses  would  be  something  like 
this:— 

I ,'ent,  Rates,  Taxes,  Ac £75    0    0 

Housekeeping  at  30*.  a  week      78    ' 
Clothes  for  herself  and  boy...       40    0     » 

Sundries    20    0    0 

Subscription  to  "  Our  House- 
wives* Column"   0  13    0 


DRAMATIC    DISCUSSIONS. 
"SaoctD  HIN  RAVE  sen  ALLOWED  SILK  PYJAMAS? 

Mr.  Cyril  Maudt,  Mr.   Arthur  Balfmir,  and  athfrt 
llifir  rlftri. 

The  Evening  <Vrtt«  having  given  fiu 

•ion  of  the  agitating  question   "I 'id  ./•>/<«  »;/.i. /.:',•  do  th 
right  thing  in  Mr.  Scno's  »•  .Ur.  /'„>'.•/, 

announce  that  his  columns  are  now  open  to  all  those  wh 
are  interested  in  an  important  |  r  .J.l.-in   which  ari* 
a  scene  in   Mr.  VACHELL'S  drama  Her  Son.      In   tl. 
Dorothy  Fairfax  has  adopted  (for  reasons  connected   wit 
the  Box  Office)  the  little  son  of  an  actress.     AT ••/,,,  |,., 
only  £300  a  year  on  which  to  support  hera-lf  an<l  the  lx> 
tftn,  but,  none  the  1cm,  the  Litter  appears  on  t 
•ilk  pyjamas.    The  question  that  is  now  stirring  all  clublan 


Total ..  ....  £213  13    0 


Which  leaves  £86  It.  a  year  for  silk  pyjamas. 

Yours  truly,  JANET. 

DEAR  Sir,  I  have  a  very  good  line  in  Silketle  Pyjamas, 
which  I  could  do  you  at  8*.  the  pair  or  £4  15*.  a 
[t  has  all  the  appearance  of  the  genuine  silk  article,  with 
twice  the  wear.  Should  1  get  an  order  from  Mrs.  FAIUKAX 
through  your  medium  I  should  be  most  pleased  to  send  yon 
a  pair  for  your  own  personal  use,  as  an  acknowledgment  of 
the  same.  Your  obedient  servants,  FAMII. 

SlB, -I    am   a    plain-spoken    F.ngli.-hman,    and    if    Miss 
FAIUK\X   had   licen  really  guilty  of  the  senseless  extrava.- 
you  attribute  to  her  I  should  have  been   the   In  i.-mn 

it.     P-ut  I  think  there  may  be  another  explanation,  and  as  a 
.'rle  man  I  feel  it  my  duty  anyhow  to  suggest  it. 

I  have  not  seen  the  play,  but  I   under.-!. md   that  the  little 
boy's  real  mother  was  a  musical  comedy  actress.     Now. 
sidering  what  nmsir.d  comedy  has  sunk  to  in  these  day-,  it 
seem*  to  me   more   than    probable   that    the   boy's  mother 

appeared   »n  the  stage  at  one  time  or  another   as  "The  I'ink 

i  iiirl."  or  some  such  rubbish.     If  so,  then  she  may 

nt  them  down  for  her  son,  or  (b)  have  got 

another  pair  cheap   in   return   for  the  advertisement.     When 

Miss  FAIIIMX  divided  to  adopt  the  child  these  would  natural  1\ 

have  been  included  in  the  fixtures. 

I  am,  Sir,  Ac.,        JP.REMY  BROWN. 

Many  other  interesting  letters  are  held  over.  Next  week  the 
disciifwion  will 

"  //  Mr.  /xirii  Waller  Jiad  been  alive  in  1821,  would  lie 
have  got  into  the  Navy?" 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MARCH  20,  1907. 


«4  Tarjr ;i*j<Sr . 


A  PAIR  OF  POTENTATES. 

ALDERMAN  BRODRICK  (to  JAM  RAXJI  OF  NAWANAOAR).  "  WELL,  SO  AT  LAST  OUR  CLAIMS  HAVE  BEEN 
RKC'OCXISED.  YOU 'RE  A  JAM,  AND  I 'M  AN  ALDERMAN."  (Aside,  enviously)  "  WISH  THEY  GAVE 
MU  AN  OFFICIAL  KIT!" 


MARCH  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


203 


BRIDGE    PROBLEMS. 

Wife  (handing  Jixt  of  twenty-four  namcx  to  husband).  "Now,  DEAR,  I  WANT  YOO  TO  ARRANGE  THE  TABLES.     You  MUST  SEPARATE  THE  GOOD 

PHYERS  FROM  THE  BAD,  AND  THOSE  WHO  PLAY  HIGH  POINTS  FROM  THOSE  WHO  PLAY  LOW.  HUSBAND  AND  WIFE  MOST  NOT  BE  AT  THE  SAME  TABLE, 
\Mi  li.'N'T  MIX  THE  OLD  AND  YOUNO  TOGETHER.  OF  COURSE  YOU  MUST  HAVE  TWO  LADIES  AND  TWO  MEN  AT  EAPH  TABLE.  BY-TRE-BY,  DON'T  ON 
AXY  APTOUNT  PITT  THE  SMART  PEOPLE  WITH  THE  DOWDY  ONES." 


SPRING-FISHING. 

WHKN  faint  green  of  larches 
In  March  is 

Once  more  on  the  spray, 
Ere  with  flowers  in  the  fringe  of  her 

kin  It- 
Spring  comes  with  the  voice  of  the  turtle 

In  each  woodland  way, 
Then   yearly  the    tenant   regrettetli    the 

rent  he  agreed  to 
From  Tweed  to 

The  Tay. 

When  tops  are  beclouded, 
And  shrouded 

In  snow-wreatha  the  glen, 
When  gusts  off  the  ridges  come  reeling, 
When  hands  have   long   since   lost  all 
feeling, 

Oh  SCROPE  !  it  is  then 
That  the  Sassenach  questions  the  charm 

of  your  mellow 
And  elo- 
quent pen ! 


I  am  sick  of  the  stinging 
And  ringing 

Of  hailstones  that  pelt ; 
And  I  tire  of  the  dour  premonition 
(If  haply  I  do  get  a  fish  on) 

Infallibly  felt 
By    the    gillie    who    growls     to 

"  Springer  he  must  be,"- 
"  He  '11  just  be 

A  kelt ! " 


my 


OUR  SUFFRAJESTS. 
THE  contest  at  Hexham  appears  to 
have  produced  some  fresh  varieties  of 
Suffragettes,  alias  Suffragists :  namely, 
"  Suffragines "  and  "  Suffragelles." 
Suffragines  (according  to  The  Daily 
Mail  Special  Correspondent)  are  widely 
differentiated  and  readily  distinguished 
from  the  true  Suffragettes.  Whereas  the 
Suffragette's  eye  gleams  with  the  joyous 
light  of  battle,  the  Suffragine  wears  a 
gloomy  look  of  discontent.  The  former 
on  political  grounds  attacks  the  Govern- 


ment ;  the  latter  bears  a  grudge  against 
the  male  sex  in  general.  The  Suffra- 
gelles, again,  are  a  corps  of  lady  Suffra- 
gists enrolled  to  skirmish  on  the  Liberal 
side  against  the  attacks  of  Miss  FRASER'S 
Border  Suffragettes. 

We  do  not  wish  to  appear  in  any 
way  to  indulge  in  suffragibing  or  suffra- 
jeering.  But  one  is  tempted  to  ask,  with 
some  apprehension,  whether  any  further 
liberties  on  these  lines  are  going  to  be 
taken  with  the  English  language.  Is  a 
harangue,  for  instance,  of  the  now  familiar 
kind  to  be  described  as  a  "  suffrajaw  "  ? 
Are  the  militant  suffraJills  to  entangle 
their  suffraJacks  in  adventures  which 
are  calculated  to  end  in  suffragaol  ? 

The  possible  npspringing  of  all  these 
verbal  monstrosities  is  an  excessively 
painful  subject  with  which  we  dare  not 
further  suffrajoke. 


REVIVAL  AT  ST.  STEPHEN'S  PLAYHOUSE. — 
TJie  Morals  of  Harry  Marcus. 


KM 


HJNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHABIVARL 


**•  1907' 


HEALTHFUL    LONDON. 
THE  NEW  TDK. 

Is  the    search  for   health,  the 
ureaqoe,    and    the    interesting,    it    i- 
to  take  long jcmmeya— often 
even  to  cross  the  sea.    Foolish  folk!     It 

the  old  story  of  being  blind  to  what  is 

areat,  and  seeing  enchantment  only  in 
the  distance.  Take  for  example  the 
new  Tube  which  joins  Hammersmith 
and  King's  Cross:  two  localities  that 
can  never  have  been  associated  before, 
•ut  which  from  now  evermore  will  be 
as  indissdubly  connected  aa  BEAUMONT 
and  FLETCHER.  Ozone  was  never  so  com- 
pmwed  aa  it  is  in  the  cheery  catacombs 
of  this  Company.  Let  us  spend  a  penny 
or  two  on  their  alluring  railway-  let  us 
ride,  in  fact,  from  Piccadilly  Circus  to 

.-  West 

We  enter  the  station     a  veriubl' 
of  the  winds.     Who  can   be   ill  amid 
healthful     breezes? 


A  MONOLOGUE  AT  THE  ZOO. 

I  AM  the  biggest  of  the  elephant*  the 
Lit  kiwi's  <m  nodding  it*  li'-a-t 
Why  1  do  that  I  '11  tell  you  later.  The 
habit  began  some  years  ago.  Y«>i; 
am  getting  on.  1  have  Ix-en  her 
isince  1876,  ami  that's  a  long  time.  1 
was  thinking  l'"1  otluT  day  of  all  tin' 
things  that  have  happen.  -d  sine.'  I  moved 
to  Regent's  Park  from  (  Vyloii,  ami  really 
it  is  wonderful.  For  1  hear  what's 
going  on.  In  U-twrvn  remarks  alxnit 
Bow  big  I  am.  anil  how  restless  1  am. 
and  what  a  wiekeil  little  eye  I've  got. 
the  people  say  all  kinds  of  tilings  alxmt 
the  events  Of  the  day.  Ijwl  Sunday  1 
heard  all  about  the  Suffragettes,  for 
instance.  There  wasn't  much  talk  alum! 
Suffragettes  in  1876. 

I  read  what's  going  on  (••>.     Now  and 
then  someone  drops  a  pajx-ror  I  IKJITOW 
' 


the 


It   took  me  a  long  time 


to   Irani    to   read,   tint    I  w.      I 

pick 


SCEXEIT   Oil  THE  NEW   TCBE. 

Invalid*'  Walk.  Piccadilly  Circus  Station. 

by  stations.    The  best  of  these  is  Down 
.  because  there  the  train  becomes 
.««     «»»..»     „.-«,— P. an  express  and  rushes  through,  to  the 

targate,  what  are  they  compared  with   chagrin  of    the  intending    passengers,   began    with    the    n 
theasTube  Stations,  through  which  rich   who  have  been  waiting  on  the  platform  pockets,  which  are  everywhere  i 
goata  of  air,  loaded  with  the  perfume  of  for  some  months.  <  iardens     That  s  an   odd    dung,    isn  t 

he  blue  clay  are  continually  rushing?       In  time,  after  further  pedestrian  feats   u  .'    \\  e  four  footed  creatures,  whom  you 
We  get  a  ticket,  fight  our  way  through  the  of  some  magnitude,  we  reach  the  upper  all  come  to  stare  at  and   patronise,  a 
numerous  but  exceedinglv"  picturesque  air  once  more  at  Hammersmith,  invigo-  any  rate  have  no  pockets  to  pick,  ai 
loafers,  and  enter  the  lift.' Ix-ing  careful   rated  by  all  the  winds  that  blow  and   therefore  are  spared  one  of  your  weak- 

,  «  A«U*UV  it*   vswirif    /if    t  •.  in  r_.  •    tlii> 

all    the    tune,    according 


to 

instrnctions,  to  beware  of  pick- 
and  not  to  spit.  We 
with  a  rush  thousands 
of  feet  below  the  dull  surface. 
Thoughts  of  JCLES  VERSE  and 
bis  vivid  imagination  crowd 
into  our  brain !  A  journey 
into  the  centre  of  the  earth — 
what  romance! 

We  emerge  into  a  wonderful 
while  passage  and  a  sixty- 
knot  gale.  We  must  collect 
our  courage  and  strength,  for 
there  is  a  long  walk  before 
We  lean  against  the  tem- 
pest and  fight  our  way  along 
miln  and  miles  of  promenade. 


When   half-way  to   the   .-ml 
we  hear  oar  train  come  in, 
its    passengers,    re- 

.,.-..-   i  :':..  r       .    .      :       .•  ..-..- 


ROMANTIC  SCCCEBY  ox  THE  NEW  TUBS. 

Paawogen  waiting  at  Down  Street  Station  (where  the  train* 
nerer  stop). 


nesses.  C Except  of  eours.-  the 
kangaroo.)  I  ma.-tered  the 
piek|«x-ket  mil iee  lii>t,  and 
then  I  learned  the  meaning 
of  the  one  alxmt  smoking  in 
my  house.  And  so  by  degrees 
1  knew  it  all,  and  it's  now 
(juite  simple.  I  can  read 
anything.  1  wish  the  people 
who  came  here  could  read  as 

well.  It  says  as  plain  as  can 
be  on  my  little  door -plate 
thing,  iu  front  of  the  railings, 
that  I  am  that  I  am  a  lady 
but  how  many  visitors  do 
you  suppose  refer  to  me  as 
'••die"  or  "her  "y  Not  more 
than  three  out  of  the  hundred. 
I  count  sometimes,  just  for 
fun.  That  's  really  why  I  nod: 
1  'in  counting.  "  Isn't  lie  enor- 


ready  for  anything — even  ammoniated 


mous?"  they  say.     "  l/«ik  at  hi*  funny 


little  eye?"   "Would  you  like  to  give  him 
a  bun,  dearie?"  and  soon.     And  all  the 


still  bravely  battle  forward,  and  at  hut  quinine, 

reach    the    platform.      There    will    be|  , 

train  soon;  meanwhile  let  us      WHAT  had   happened  was  that  both   time,  if  only  education   were   properly 
What  is  more  interesting  than  Oxford   and    Cambridge  had   rowed   a  managed   in   this  country,    they    could 

hink   trial  Cambridge's  time  being  slightly   road   my  sex.     It's   on    the   Uard   all 

right    the  regular  sex  symbol oJ  the  / 

1  have   lx-«-n  here   longer  than   anyom 
except   the     hiiMHijiotamus,    which    was 


waiting  at  a  wayside  station?    We  think  trial,  Cambridge's  time  being  slightly 

of  Mr.  KDUHO'H  story  of  the  drunken  the   Ix-tu-r,   though  of    course  that    in 

man  at  Hinton  Admiral,  and  settle  down  itaelf  didn't    prove  anything.     So   '/'//• 

to  loaf,  holding  on  to  a  try-your-weight  Tribune    correspondent    pointed    out  ; 


machine  for  fear  of  being  blown  into  and  then,  (juiekening  to  at,  delivered 
the  tunnel.  himself  as  follows : 


l-orn    hen-    in    1*7-.      Hut    to    )*•   born 
-  dull.      I  had  six  years  of  Ceylon 


" Tin  expert  with  the  meanert  exactitude  for    first  ;   I  am  a  traveller,     fopposing  that 
,g  •acooda    l»lls  in    another  place    by    I  got  away  I  Bhould   know  what  to  do 


Is  not  all  this  exriting  and  unusual? 

Isn't  it  as  good  aa  Biarritz? 

At  last  the  train  arrives  and  we  enter  companion  the  real  ralue  of  the  watch  aa  a   |,,,t    that   old   hippo  wouldn  t. 

II  11.  ,1 ,  m,-r*rw,itimt,  ,r    rtt    •••nut  inn    "  1  *  I     *        _.  ._      t.        . 


^ 
<li«-ranu>»u>r  of  execution." 


k'.|>ing 


Home- 
have  ever  homely  wits 


it,  turn  up  our  coat  collars,  absorb  two 

"cold  cure"   tabloids,  and  prepare  to  The  writer  must  get  his  hands  more  w  UM  proverb  hM  it 

see  the  scenery.     The  view  is  monoton-  forward  next  year,  and  be  careful  not  Do  you  know  that  in  1H76  WINSTON 

ous  but  sound,  varied  now  and  again  to  clip  the  finish.  was  only  two  years  old  ?     Think  of   it 


MAJICH  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


205 


He  used  to  be  brought  to  see  me  when 
he  was  a  tiny  toddle  with  quite  a  small 
head.  I  've  given  him  many  a  ride  on 
my  back.  I  often  wonder  what  is  the 
future  of  the  children  who  put  buns  in 
my  trunk  and  ride  on  my  back,  but 
this  is  the  only  one  I  can  remember 
who  lias  got  into  office  so  young. 

It's  an  odd  place,  the  Zoo.  Such 
queer  creatures  come  and  look  at  me, 
— lean,  eager  naturalists,  lovers,  uncles 
with  small  nephews,  funny  men  trying 
to  think  of  jokes  about  me.  I  like  the 
Bank  Holidays  the  best.  There  'a  some 
pleasure  in  astonishing  simple  people ; 
and  I  like  Sundays  the  least  because  the 
clever  ones  come  then.  Schoolmasters 
are  the  worst,  because  they  lecture  on 
me  and  keep  on  using  that  horrid  word 
"  Extinct."  My  keeper  hates  them  too, 
because  they  ask  such  lots  of  questions 
and  never  give  any  tips.  There's  a 
fearful  desire  to  know  how  heavy  I  am. 
What  does  that  matter  ?  "  My  word,  I 
wouldn't  like  him  (him,  of  course)  to 
tread  on  my  favourite  corn  !  " — I  wonder 
how  often  I've  heard  this  joke.  The 
English  make  all  their  jokes  again. 
They  say  things,  too,  about  my  trunk — 
packing  it  up  and  so  on — till  I  could  die 
of  sheer  ennui. 

The  worst  thing,  however,  is  that  dis- 
regard of  my  sex.  I  hate  that.  "  Girls 
will  be  boys,"  my  keeper  says ;  but  that 
doesn't  comfort  me  at  all.  A  woman 
who  wants  to  be  a  woman  and  nothing 
else  is  not  flattered  by  being  called 
"he"  and  "him,"  I  can  tell  you.  A 
Suffragette  may  be,  but  not  an  elephant. 
Please,  dear  reader,  please  do  what  you 
can  to  get  your  friends  to  remember  I 
am  a  woman. 


A  HEATHEN  LULLABY. 

(Sung  by  Morpheus  to  Baby  Argus.) 

CLOSE  your  pretty  peepers,  dear ; 

Gentle  sleep  has  come  to  woo. 
Night  is  falling  from  the  skies ; 
Close  your  hundred  wakeful  eyes, 

One  by  one  or  two  by  two. 

Comes  the  Sandman  with  his  dust, 

Sowing  sleep  in  Babyland  ; 
Then  he  pauses  in  dismay, 
Shakes  his  head  and  turns  away — 
Wants  another  load  of  sand. 

Lullaby,  oh  lullaby ! 

(Never  worked  so  hard  before  !) 
Nay,  my  dearie,  do  not  weep  ! 
Would  you  drown  us  fathoms  deep, 

Ere  we  reach  the  Dreamland 
shore  ? 

Come,  my  darling,  get  along ! 

Stars  are  fading  high  above ; 
Daylight  will  begin  to  peep 
Ere  we  get  you  half  asleep : 

Put  your  best  eye  forward,  love. 


Kind  Lady  (in  Blaomabury  boarding-houae  drawing-room,  to  little  Yankee  Oirl).   "  AREN'T 

TOD   VERY   LONELY   HERE   WITHOUT   YODE  PARENTS,   MY  DEAR?" 

Little  Yankee.  "On,  NO;  MOMMA  COMES  TO  SEE  ME  ON  MONDAYS  AND  THURSDAYS;  POPPA 
ON  TUESDAYS  AND  FRIDAYS  ;  WEDNESDAYS  AND  SATURDAYS  THE  GENTLEMEN  WHO  WANT  TO  MARRY 
MOMMA  COME,  AND  ON  SUNDAYS  THE  LADIES  WHO  WANT  TO  MARRY  POPPA." 

[Kind  Lady  horrified. 


Lullaby,  oh  lullaby ! 

Listen  to  my  drowsy  rhyme. 
Hoarse  and  hoarser  yet  I  grow  ; 
Close  another  eye  or  so — 

Close  a  dozen  at  a  time. 

(Morpheus  waxeth  wroth.) 

Go  to  sleep,  you  watchful  thing ! 

Give  up  staring  at  the  moon ! 
What!  you  won't?     Well,  have  your 

way: 
To-morrow  "s  early  closing  day, 

And  then  you  go  to  bed  at  noon ! 


"Ma.  HAVELOCK  WILSON  drew  atten- 
tion to  the  rate  of  pay  of  stokers.  .  .  . 
The  men  were  disgusted  with  their 
miserable  pay." — Tlie  Times,  p.  8. 

In  the  face  of  this  discouragement 
we  are  glad  to  see  that  "  Capt.  the  Hon. 
F.  E.  GUEST  made  three  or  four  really  mag- 
nificent stokes."— The  Times,  p.  12  (oil 
a  racket  match). 

A  Contradiction  in  Terms. 

THE  Piccadilly  Tube  announces : — 

ACCELERATED  SERVICE  AND  LATER  TRAINS. 


PUNCH,  OE  THE  LONDON  CHAR1VA1M. 


PJ07. 


THE    FIGHT    FOR    CHILDHOOD    SUFFRAGE. 
(A  fraymnt  Jt**  <m  imiiriUM  Hwtory  o/  0*  ftar  }'.' 

-Ltu  all  great  reforms,  tbw  WM  preceded  by  api> 
futile  agitation.     In  innumerable  British  nurseries  the  more 
hildren  of  both  sexea  had  been  urging-  ut  first 
with  timidity,  then  with  increasing  assurance— their  damn 
to  a  share  in  the  government  of  their  C.  untry. 

Their  Grandmothers,  Mothers,  and  Aunts  had  long  -in.-.' 
obtained  the  Franchise,  which,  by  a  logical  and  inevitable 
process,  was  shortly  followed  by   rnivtrB.il  Adult  Manhood 
•"'••- 

Curiously  enough,  beyond  the  considerable  addil 
the  register,  these  changes  wen-  not  f»uinl  to  produce  such 
disastrous  results  as  certain  pessimi»t*  had  predicted. 

Occasionally  r  .  a  measure  benefiting  the  Weak* 

Sex  at  the  expense  of  the  Stronger  ha.l  Urn  carried  l.y  tin 
majority,  swelled  by  a  few  chivalrous  and  sympathetic  males. 

Hut  iis  soon  as  the  masculine  jx>rtion  of  the  population 
experienced  any  real  inconvenience  from  such  legislation. 
they  either  ignored  or  defied  it-like  the  cowards  they 
undoubtedly  were ! 

Disappointed  and  disgusted  matrons  therefore  had  come  to 
recognise  that  the  Future  of  the  Country  must  depend  on 
their  Children,  who,  by  U-iiig  familiarised  from  tcndcrest 
youth  with  their  mothers'  grievances,  were  not  improbably 
thus  led  to  the  discovery  of  their  own. 

And  indeed,  impartially  considered,  their  case  was  un- 
answerable. It  was  absurd  ami.  what  is  worse,  illogical— 
nildrcu  bhould  be  required  to  obey  laws  which  they 
had  no  share  in  making.  It  was  both  unwise  and  unjust 
to  deny  them  a  voice  in  Social  questions  so  closely  concerning 
them  as  Education,  Feeding,  and  Milk  Supply. 

Their  minds  might  be  termed  immature     but.  when 
male  hawker  of  bone  collar-studs,   every  female  vendor   <• 
'Dying  Roosters 'on    the   kerbstone   possessed  a   vote,    w;u 
Iiitell.xt  any  linger  a  |>oliticul  <|iialitication  ''. 

I    it  be   seriously  contended    that  any   fairly   well 
educated  boy  or  girl  was  less  intelligent,  less  comp.  t.-nt  t. 
decide  how  their  Country  should   be  governed  than,  say 
their  under-nurse,  or  the  old  lady  who  sold  them  lollipops' 
As  to  the  objection  that  they  were  unfitted  by  Nature  to 
enter  Public  life,  that  was  easily  confuted  by  the  numerous 
instances  of  Infant  Phenomena  who  had  become  world  wide 
Celebrities  before  attaining  their  seventh  year. 

It   was    notorious    that    many    a    Hrilish    household    wa. 
entirely  ruled  by  Children.     If  they  could  bo  trusted  to  thi 
extent,  surely   there  was  no  danger  in  conceding   thorn 
fractional  part  in  the  election  of  a  local  representative  ? 

.ght  be  urged  (and  even  with  truth)  that  a  large 
majority  of  Children  did  not  desire  the  vote— but  that  was 
•urelr  immaterial  when  those  who  did  desire  one  wanted 
i  •  .  .:.. 

For  a  time,  however,  they  wen  content  merely  to  appea 
to  the  reason  of  their  elders,  and  they  certainly  succeedec 
in  impressing  the  more  enlightened  adult  minds  with  a 
uneasy  conviction  of  anomaly — which,  to  any  well-regulatec 

•  •  .  ••  •  .   . 

intellect,  is  a  quite  int 


Rut  the  greater  number  of  grown-ups— women,  it  must  be 
regretfully  owned,  as  weD  as  men — were  too   1.1  m 
foolish  old  prejudices  to  sop  the  justice  of  the  <  'hd  h-.- 
which  they  seemed  to  think  could  be  disposed  of  by  sue 
drastic  remedies  as  a  good  shipping— as  though  Force  wen 
ever  any  argument ! 

So, gradually,  in  nurseries,  schools,  and  Kind. Tgart. 
fennei  llion   began  to  work,  as  Children  realise* 

;.  that  they  could  never  hope  to  win  by  peaceful  an 

And  then,  naturally  enough,  for  they  had  heard  t! 

••;•!'       •       '•:•.•'•       .--.I.:   .  ••   .:..; 


icir  Crandniothers.  Mothers  and  AuuU  had  set   them     the 
•    those  who  wish    to   make   • 
and  that,  to  1-  i    "I  the  Slate,  it 

•cc.ss.iry    preliminary    to     render    oneself     a     Perfect 

Thanks,  mainly,  to  the  until  i  t  of  a  youthful  hero- 

,e  an.l  uose  name*,    IKI.NK   Y  1:1.1  >   and    CiuivsoeTOii 

>ELLDW!>,   will   ever   lx-    honoiirecl    by   the   gratitude   of    their 

ontc-  -.  these  lacti.  -  ••  successfully  punned 

the  Cause  of  the  Children  was  M»>U  found  deserving  of 

serious  consideration. 

It  is  astonishing  how  much  a  feu  di 

nee  admitted    to  a    political   gathering,  can   do  to  upset    the 
i     ,,f    the  I"    diflieult     tO 

„  in  when   they  vindicate   their  right  to  remain  by  kicking 
nd  even  scratching  and  biting  their  cowardly  t\i 

And  when  they  marched  in  their  tin 

that  tin'  llou- 
ad  U-eii  aU.lislnd   some  time  j.re\ioiisly  for  throwing  out  a 
ighly  jK.pular   Hill   t.  n tinned   bachelor  to  the 

xteutof  half  his  in.  •  m--.     The  Hill  subsequently  1- 
nit.  U-ing  found  to  j.nKluce  no  increase  in  the  marriage  rite, 
vas  promptly  repealed  by  gi  ii.-r.il  oon  in-n  the  Children 

iar<-hed  to  tin-  House  for  the  peaceful  purpose  of  hi-ckliug 
he  Speaker,  I-uly  PART-LETT,  it  was  louud  impo»il)le  for 
tables  to  disper.M-  them  without  inllicting  brui.M-s  that 
hocked  the  susceptibilities  even  ol  those  |.  -;pathy 

vith  the  sufferers'  aims. 

Moreover,  the  Children  went  to  prison  cheerfully  for  their 

_:  to  waste  any  of  their  pocket  money  on   the 

dternative  tine.      And  their  paren:  -.verier  to  prevent 

t,  as  it  had  long  Urn  a  punishable  offence  to  offer  to   pa\ 

ines  for  Passive  Resist- 

ne  martyr-lings  declared   that  they   preferred  a  gaol   to 
he  schoolnxiin,  although  they  complained  of  the  infre.|ii.-ncy 
of  jam  in  the  |  <u.  and  the  illiU-ral  j.rohibition  of  all 

games  in  the  exercise  yard. 

Obviously  such  a  condition   of  things  could    not    continue. 
The  moral  sense  of  the  entire  kingdom  was  stirred  to  its 
lepths.  and   the  trend  of   feeling  showed   a   violent    reaction. 
.    the    Premier,    Miss     U..MOI  \    Ci.u-i-i.niox,    a    highly 
inplihlic'l  and  amiable  elderly  lady,  had  declared   1» 
n  favour  of  Childhood  Suffrage — as  a  principle.     As  for  the 
:i,    jiarlly    from    sentiments   of    justice,   and    partly 
from  -ion   that   such   an   extension  of  the   Fran, 

must   have  the  effect  of  restoring  them   to  Ollice     which,  as 
true  Patriots,  they  rightly   perceived    would   justify   any  and 
.    concession),    they    \\.n-   already    pledged   to   support  a 

large,  free,  and  generous  measure. 

-.us  a  class,  actively  hostile  ;  many  Fathers 
and  Mothers  calculating  that  the  enfranchisement  of  their 
Offspring  would  merely  provide  their  Parents  with  a  plural 

•.    ••• 

Thus  it  happen. -d  that  .Iiisti,  <        nnon   Sense 

triumphed   over  irrational    Prejudice,  and   the   tainted   atmo- 

:.•  of  Politics  was  purified  by  the  innocent  breath  of  the 

Nation's  Infancy  ' 

In    the   <ien.-r.il    F.livtii.n    that    follow ^1,  able  and  energetic 
candidates    on     the     <  >|.|K  ,-ilion     side     appealed     to    the 
I'.l.-ctorato     by    pro^raiumiti     on    which    i  \     ilition    of 

Less.  ''."    and     "The    Suppression    of 

ligured  as  prominent  it. 

It    wa-  e   that    the  Children   showed  a  far   keener 

sense  of  the   privilege  of  a  \o|e   than    many  of   their  el 
:••  of   the  ,  .  n.-ral    Kleetini. 

'  all.  or  what  it  was  alxmt;  none  of  the 
unwillingnefts  to  go  to  the  poll  unless  a  motorcar  was  sent 
f'T  thrin,  which  were  so  marki-d  in  some  of  their  grown-up 
relatives.  They  v.  i  almost  to  a  Child,  some  of  the 

younger  on<-s  in  their  enthusia-m   d.-maiiding  that   their  pet 


MARCH  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


207 


THE    WEAKER    SEX.' 


Lady  Di  (to  Brown,  the  laziest  man  in  the  county,  who  ha»  just  about  made  up  his  mind  to  propose).  "  CAN'T  TOD  RAISE  A  TROT  ?    I  'TB 

TO   GET   BACK   FOR  A  FENCING   LESSON  ;   AND   I  'll   OOINQ  OUT  TO   DINNER  ;   THEN   I  M   GOING 


GOT 

MILES   HOME." 


ON  TO  A  DANOE];  AND  I  'VE  GOT  AT  LEAST  EIGHTEEN 
[Proposal  indefinitely  postponed. 


rabbits,  their  dogs,  and  even  their  dolls,  should  be  also 
permitted  to  record  their  votes ! 

So  the  Opposition  were  borne  triumphantly  back  to  Power 
on  a  wave  of  the  Children's  Will,  and  the  whole  World 
held  its  breath  in  suspense,  waiting  for  the  change  in  the 
National  Policy  and  Character  that  must  surely  come. 

The  change  is,  as  yet,  scarcely  perceptible."  F.  A. 


AS  OTHERS  FAIL  TO  SEE  US. 

THERE  is  a  cherished  belief  among  all  good  Americans  that 
the  "  Britisher  "  has  no  sense  of  humour.  A  flood  of  light  is 
thrown  on  the  origin  of  this  error  by  the  following  passage 
from  a  leading  paper,  Ttie  New  York  Times.  After  all,  it 
takes  two  to  make  humour  effective — one  to  produce  it  and 
one  to  understand  it.  The  italics,  our  own,  take  the  place 
of  superfluous  comment : — - 

"  This  episode  (the  appeal  for  the  '  Auld  Brig  of  Ayr ')  has  suggested 
to  Punch  the  idea  of  preparing  English  translations  of  Burns's  verses. 
Punch  apologises  that  it  has  sometimes  been  necessary  to  sacrifice  '  the 
lilt  and  musical  sweetness'  of  the  lines  to  preserve  the  immortal 
plowman's  idea.  Here  is  an  example  of  Punch's  handiwork,  the  first 
verse  of  'Auld  Lang  Syne': 
'It  would  be  a  most  improper  proceeding  to  cancel  the  claims  of 

antique  friendship, 

And  to  refrain  from  remembering  them; 
That  is  why  we  ask  if  such  connections  should  be  foregone, 
Together  with  the  days  that  were  a  long  while  since  ? ' 

"  After  perusing  this  appalling  effort  I  think  most  persons  will  fsel 
content  to  continue  reading  and  singing  Burns  in  the  original  Scotch." 

Dear  old  U.S.A. ! 


WITHOUT  PREJUDICE. 

DEAR,  you  have  the  daintiest  of  hair 
(Anyway,  you  had  when  first  I  knew  it), 

But  I  'm  bound  to  say  I  do  not  care 
For  the  present  way  in  which  you  do  it 

ETHEL,  tho'  she 's  plainer,  I  confess, 

Sticks  to  a  becoming  waviness ; 

Even  if  the  fashion  isn't  "  new," 

ETHEL  always  does  it — why  don't  you  ? 

Dear,  those  little  ears  are  very  pink, 

Very  delicate,  and  very  pretty ; 
Being  as  they  are,  then,  don't  you  think 

Putting  earrings  in  them  seems  a  pity  ? 
MARY,  though  inferior  in  looks, 
Never  wears  those  idiotic  hooks ; 
Even  if  it  is  the  "  thing  to  do" 
MART  doesn't  do  it — why  do  you? 

Some,  no  doubt,  derive  an  added  grace 

From  a  head  that 's  touzled,  burnt,  and  crimply, 

But  a  girl  that  has  an  angel's  face 

Ought  to  frame  it  like  an  angel's — simply. 

Dear,  the  glitter  of  a  jewel  dies 

In  the  glory  of  a  maiden's  eyes ; 

Never  mind  the  fashions  of  the  day ; 

Look  at  EFFIE,  dearest !     Look  at  MAT  ! 

DcM-DnM. 


PUNCH,  Oil   T1IK    l.nNDQN  CHA1MVAIM 


;  80,  1907. 


Vuar't  Wi/t  (at  the  *aid  enter*  vith  Viear't  favourite  grill).  "  WHIT  is  oonno  BOW,  MABT  ?  " 
Haiti.  "  PLUM,  '«,  THE  DITIL— rot  MASTER  ! " 


MELODRAMA  AT  THE  COURT. 


I  don't  know  how  it  may  be  in  the 
"  West  End  of  Christiania,"  a  neighbour- 

THE  cleverest  feature  of  Jledda  Gcibler  ,  hood  which  is  very  possibly  more  lurid 
is  the  fact  that  no  one  of  that  name  occurs  than   it  sounds,  but   here   in  England 
in  the  play.    The  appalling  difficulty  of  this  is  not  a  type  that  exactly  leaps  to 
demon8tr.it ing  how  the  lady  who  was  the  eye  of  experience, 
born  a  Gabler  ever  came  to  marry  a  man       Mrs.    PATH  UK    CAMPBELL,    easily    the 
like  Tfmiin   was  fully  appreciated  by   moat  fascinating  of    English  actresses, , 
the  late  Dr.  lascx ;   and  it  was  in  one  of  did   her  possible   to  impart  a  tone  of 
his  rare  spasms  of  inspiration  that  )»•   probability  to  this   incredible  freak  of 
shirked  it.     Yet  he  was  not  without  the   Scandinavian   morbidity.      Hut   1  must 
courage  of  innocence  in  facing  difficulties  hvlu-vc  that  her  air  of  boredom  was  not  | 
no  easier  to  overcome.  a  matter  of  art  only  but  also  of  nature, 

Of  course,  the  married  woman  who  is  otherwise  the  apathy  proper  to  tin-  early 
so  bored  with  herself  and  her  miliru   part  would  have  been  shaken  off  win -n 
that  the  resort*  to  sexual  intrigue  for  once  she  started  on  her  work  of  mould  - 
diversion  is  a  sufficiently  familiar  type,   ing    destinies     with     rum  punch    and 
But  here  is  one  who  hankers  after  •' th<    pistols     It  was  a  high   tribute   to  tin 
moulding  of  somebody's  destiny"   (or  crudity  of  the  last  half  of  the  play  that 
words  to  that  effect),  for  the  gratification   ,-ven   "Mrs.   CAMPBELL    coul.l    not    rouse 
of  a  kind  of  egoism  entirely  detached,   ii.-rs.-lf  to  any  very  ai-tiv.-  int.-ntU  in  her 
on  her  part,  from  the  instinct  of  sex.  And  own  villainous  courses. 
this  is  bow  she  goes  about  it:  she  takes      Mr.  TBBVOB  LOWE  was  a  perfect  Teaman. 

*  .....  _  . 


quite  happy  aa  Lovborg,  whether  in  or 
out  of  his  cups.  Miss  \\HMA  |.lay.-.l 
J/r*.  Elm! e<l  with  some  intelligence,  but 
panted  too  fp-ely  ;  and  she  would  do 

lietter  when  she  addresses  people  to  look 

ihc-in  in  the  eyes  rather  than  in  tin- 
crown  of  their  heads. 


-      :  :      .       . .  r  -  . ,  r .  '   : 

encourages  him  to 


from 

victim  of 

make  himself  beastly  drunk  once  more, 

drives   him   to  despair  bv  hiding  the 

:       '      - :       -'  ;    '    •       '    ' 

U-lliiu 
ithen  hands  him  a  pistol,  and  t.'lU  i 

is  to  "do  it  ben 

twenty-four  hours,  and  wr 
'going  to  bed  to  think  it  ovei 
'that!"  as  the  Master  would  say. 


•     by    appearing    and    saying    a 
couple  of  sentences  he  established  an 

which    v.  _;e8   of 

Ht'ifTy  d.-tail.  designed  to  that  i-n-i 
rendered  sup-  ill T -us.     In  saying  tins.  1 
desire  to  affront  an  I  'ri.-nd  who 

I  <>f  .ill  that 

' 

Mr  JAMES  UKAHS.  in  tl  ./!/</•/<• 

:  rv  'l.ippr-r  and    in-idioii* 

rogue;  but  Mr.  LM'HKMT.  IKYING was  not 


Retaliation. 

[Writing  to  Thr  '.  a  lady  ac 

owing  to  the  \V»i  • 
will  give  up  the  houaein 
work,  and  ruiivuxrt  fur  tin-  Coiiiwrvative*.] 

"Till,  did  Firm"  tclegraph- 
nees    ruined    by    Street     Betting    A( 
Leaving  for  Flushing  to  foment  war  with 
England." 

"  Volunteer  "  writes  :  "  The  auxiliary 
forces  are  ruined  by  Mr.  HU.IIASK.  Am 
enlisting  shortly  in  the  Herman  army." 

"Suffragette"    wire*:      "As    slight 

rnment  1  intend   to 

marry  a  l.il.eral.'1 

THE  following  letter  to  The  Scotsman 
clears  up  once  and  for  all  the  mvMery 
which  surrounded  the  late  Mr.  l>owii: : 

"vSl», — I  take  tin-   l'i"!'in-t    I'"«IK  t' 

boy  I  wa*  at   w!  also  A.NDKEW,  only 

.1     l.-ft    for    AuHtrulia    whun 

Adam  Stret-t  with  tlit-ir 

!   at    Arthur  Streel 

Academy,  w  am  <na  were  sel 

apart  (or  recitations,  in  which  JOHN  ALEXANDER 
'  aa  a  hero  at,  and  a  clever  (scholar." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MARCH  20,  1907. 


VERY  OLD  AGE  PENSIONS. 


ANCIENT  RUSTIC.  "  I  'M  A  POOR  OLD  MAN,  SIR,  OF  SEVENTY-FIVE,  AND  PAST  WORK.  CAN'T  YOD  DO  ANY- 
THING FOR  ME?" 

RIGHT  HON.  H.  H.  ASQ-TH.  "  CAPITAL  IDEA  !  BUT  I  'M  AFRAID  YOU  'RE  TOO  YOUNG.  NOW  IF  YOU  WERE  OVER 
EIGHTY  I  MIGHT  PERHAPS  MANAGE  IT!" 


MARCH  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


211 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  March  11. 
— Standing  up  to-night  in  defence  of 
Ministerial  policy  in  South  Africa 
and  the  New  Hebrides,  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL  distinctly  improved  a  position 
steadily  growing  since  he  took  office. 
It  is  his  second  speech  in  the  still  young 
Session  that  has  commanded  attention 
of  House.  First  was  oddly,  significantly 
some  lookers-on  have  it,  in  debate  on 
new  scheme  of  Army  Reform.  To-night 
attacking  force  was  directed  against 
Colonial  policy  of  Government.  Horse, 
foot  and  artillery  moved  on  the  doomed 
Colonial  Office. 

There  is  a  dim  idea,  supported  by 
official  records,  that  Lord  ELGIN  is 
Colonial  Minister.  He  may  be  the  figure 
head ;  the  Opposition  see  in  WINSTON 
the  front  of  all  offending.  If  ELGIN'S 
name  is  mentioned  incidentally,  it  is 
—as  ALFRED  LYTTELTON  did  to-night 
in  respect  of  attack  on  the  Witwaters- 
rand  Native  Labour  Association— to  hint 
at  differences  between  the  Chief  and 
Under  Secretary  to  credit  of  former.  01 
course  this  view  of  situation  is  mis- 
guided. Colonial  policy  is  a  Cabinet 
concern,  and  WINSTON  is  not  yet  in  the 
Cabinet.  The  state  of  things,  which 
has  no  parallel  in  long  history  of  Colonial 
Office,  is  merely  testimony  to  a  strong 
personality. 

The  MEMBER  FOR  SAHK,  who  knew 
GKANDOLPH  from  the  date  of  his  first 
speech  in  the  House  of  Commons  to  his 
tragic  breakdown,  notes  the  ever-grow- 
ing resemblance  between  son  and  father. 
It  has  outward  and  visible  signs  in  per- 
sonal manner.  WINSTON'S  long  gliding 
step  on  entering  or  leaving  the  House, 
the  slightly  bowed  shoulders,  the  bent 
head,  the  gesture  of  placing  the  open 
hands  on  the  hips  when  talking,  each 
and  all  recall  the  young  Leader  of  the 
Fourth  Party  rising,  a  quarter  of  a 
century  ago,  from  corner  seat  below 
Gangway,  a  position  convenient  for 
attack,  alternately  or  concurrently,  upon 
both  Front  Benches. 

A  leading  characteristic  of  GRANDOLFH 
was  shared  with  the  Walrus,  as  noted  by 
the  observant  poet: 

Get  animal  est  tr&s  m&hant, 
Quand  on  1'attaque  il  se  defend. 

GRANDOLPH  did  more.  Smitten  on  the 
right  cheek,  so  far  from  turning  the 
left  for  the  convenience  of  his  assailant, 
he  let  fly  with  his  right  arm  straight 
out  from  the  shoulder.  The  man  who 
came  to  punch  his  head  remained  to 
have  his  own  contused. 

To-night  ALFRED  LYTTELTON,  speaking 
with  the  authority  of  an  ex-Colonial 
Minister,  gravely,  even  sorrowfully, 
lamented  the  decadence  of  the  Depart- 


MORE  TELEPATHY  AT   WESTMINSTER. 

Mr.  B-lf-r  (lightly  touching  llie  cranium  of  C.-B.).  "  Now  TUIS  ?    WHAT  HAVE  I  HEHE  ?  " 
Mr.  L-tt-U-n.  "  Yoo  HAVE  THERE  A  SCOTCHMAN  OF  OREAT  HUMOUR  ;  HE  COMES  FROM  STIRLING  ; 

HE    HAS  A   PROFOUND    DESIRE    FOR    PEACE — WITH    8OME     I'EOPLE  ;     HE    DETESTS    SLAVERY — IN     BOMB 

PLACES.    WHAT  is  UE  TIIINKINO  OF?— THE  HOUSE  OF  LORDS." 
Air.  B.  "  Now  THIS  ?  " 
Mr.  L.  "  You  HAVE  THERE  A  YOUTH  OF  UNDISCOVERED  MODESTY  AND  INCANDESCENT  APPEARANCE  ; 

11IS  MANNERS  ARE  AGGRESSIVE,  HIS  FLUENCY  PHENOMENAL  ;  HE  18  A  CHAMPION  SPINNER  OF  PIQ-TA1LS 
FOR  OTHER  PEOPLE.  HE  IS  THINKING  OF  INDENTURED  LABOURERS  IN  THE  NEW  HEBRIDES  WITH 
NOTHING  TO  BRIGHTEN  THEIR  LIVES  BUT  THE  INTEREST  OF  SELECTING  WHICH  OF  THEIR  FELLOW- 
SUFFERERS  THEY  SHALL  EAT  NEXT." 


ment  where  but  yesterday  he  ruled. 
It  was  reasonable  to  expect  that  the 
Young  Gentleman  on  the  Treasury 
Bench,  if  not  absolutely  penitent,  would 
have  been  apologetic.  Alack  for  here- 
ditary instinct !  In  opening  sentence 
he  described  the  weighty  speech  just 
delivered  as  "  a  querulous  oration.  Not 
an  attack  but  a  lament  that  the  Colonial 
Office  did  not  live  up  to  the  high 
standard  inaugurated  in  the  days  of 
Ceylon  Pearl  Fisheries,  the  Transvaal 
Representative  Constitution,  ^and  the 
chaste  Chinese  Labour  Ordinance." 

This  disappointing  to  the  moral 
sense ;  was  even  rude.  But  it  de- 
lighted the  House  which,  now  as  in  the 
day  of  PALMERSTON,  "likes  a  man  who 
will  show  it  sport." 

Business  done.  —  Vote  on  Account 
agreed  to. 

Tuesday  night. — ROWLAND    HUNT    re- 1 
ceived    back  into   the  fold  ;    much  joy 
over  the  repentant  sinner.     A  fortnight 
ago    he    spoke    disrespectfully   of  the 
equator  —  I   mean  of    PRINCE    ARTHUR. 
Reproof   was    instant    and   stern.     He  • 
was    drummed    out    of    the    camp   by 


process  of  striking  his  name  off  the 
list  of  the  faithful  who  daily  receive 
call  to  battle  from  the  Party  Whip. 

Took  his  punisliment  like  a  man  who 
saw  service  with  LOVAT'S  Scouts  during 
the  Boer  War.  Perceived  in  his  cutting- 
off  opportunity  for  getting  on  with 
his  great  work  on  BOADICEA.  Made 
his  first  Parliamentary  mark  by  intro- 
ducing the  late  (and  early)  British  Queen 
into  debate  on  question  of  Tariff  Reform. 
Now  she  will  have  to  stand  aside  whilst 
her  biographer  braces  himself  up  for 
renewed  and  closer  dealing  with  high 
politics.  Cheered  from  both  sides  when 
to-day  he  re-entered  arena  with  question 
about  passive  resisters  promoted  to  sit 
on  the  very  magisterial  bench  whence 
the  other  clay  they  were  condemned  to 
forfeiture  of  teapots  and  spoons. 

In  private,  ROWLAND  much  affected  by 
new  turn  of  events. 

"I  confess,"  he  said,  mopping  eyes 
dimmed  with  honest  emotion,  "I  once 
thought  BOADICEA  the  greatest  of  Britons. 
Now  I  am  sure  a  greater  still  is  PRINCE 
ARTHUR.  You  remember,  dear  TOBY,  the 
beautiful  hymn  —was  it  Dr.  WATTS 's  ? — 


HI 


1TNVH,  OR  THK   LONDON  CHAI1IVAKI. 


[MARCH  20,  1907. 


THE  IRISH  " SotHOO-Owu" 


"  Thk  bird  lark*  in  the  shadows  un<l*r  projecting  portions  of 
inga  and  *miu  weird  cries  like  nothing  else  in  creation." 
(Mr.  R-ddy.) 

beginning,  or  was  it  ending  ?  with  the 


'  Then  bleating*  on  the  (ailing  oat 

That  all  lite  not*  endear*. 
When  we  fall  out  with  thoae  we  lore, 
And  kiaa  again  with  tear*.'  " 

"  But  you  didn't  actually  ?  "  I  asked. 
"  Didn't  what  ?  "  growled  Rowum 
Btuinei*   done.  —  In    Committee   of 
Supply. 

Friday  night. — From  time  to  time 
during  last  seven  yean  debate  has  been 
broken  in  upon  by  a  cry  the  like  of  which 
waa  never  elsewhere  heard  on  sea  or 


something    between 
a  screech  owl    and 


the 


the 


land.      It    is 

ebullition  of 

chuckle  of   a  parrot  who  haa  seen  a 

kettle  of  boiling  water  accidentally  souse 


with  a  sn:i; 
wilting    a 
ti'ii:imv  of  almost 
oiiettidc.    Il 
;e  tin-  liriiiK 
of    n   gun   with 
smokeless  powder 
.  licanl  tin'  re 
:.  possibly  fell 
at   inconvenient 
MMH  the  whiz 
zing  of  tli**  ball  : 
.    searched    tin' 
horizon  in  vain  for 
I  race  of  the  masked 
halt. TV. 

Encouraged  by 
unbroken  success 
of  his  monosylla- 
bic contribution 
to  debate,  Mr. 
Kit'DY  has  this 
Session  expanded 
into  articulate  re- 
mark. He  never 
makes  ordered 
speech,  but  at 
build-  Question  time, 
when  his  com- 
patriots turn  the 

pom-pom  of  interrogation  on  the  CHIEF 
SECRETARY,  the  House  becomes  aware  of  a 
small,  grey-faced  man  holding  on  to  a 
pillar  supporting  the  gallery,  saying 
something  in  a  highly-pitched  voice, 
thin  in  tone  but  thick  in  brogue. 
It  is  Mr.  REDDT,  putting  his  supple- 
mentary question  "arising  out  of  that 
answer." 

These  sallies  are  invariably  successes. 
The  Irish  Members  laugh  consumedly. 
The  pity  of  it  is  the  mere  Anglo-Saxon, 
unfamiliar  with  the  accent,  is  not  able 
to  seize  the  point.  Perhaps  it  is  for 
this  reason  Mr.  REDDY'S  question,  what- 
ever it  may  be,  is  never  answered. 
Happily  he  does  not  mind  that.  He 
has  shot  his  arrow.  That  it  hit  the  mark 


in  the  kitchen.      Nevertheless  is  testified   to  by   the   hearty   laughter 


the  strict  Parliamentary  form  of  his  colleagues.     He  resumes  his  seat 
Hear,  bear."    A  peculiarity  about  it  is  at  the  top  of  the  Gangv  and 

iU  abruptness,  iu  frequent  inappropriate-  for  what  remains  of  the  sitting  is  dumb. 


ness.  At  a  certain  point  in  a  gravely 
argued  speech  where  no  special  com- 
ment seems  called  for.  suddenly  sounds 
the  shrill  cry,  followed  after  a  moment's 
startled  surprise  by  bunt  of  general 
laughter. 

It   evidently    came   from   the    Irish 
camp,  but  for  months  Members  opposite 


In  this  memorable  week,  in  the 
solitude  of  his  study,  he  .1..U. :..•••!  a 
notice  of  motion.  It  is  simple  in  pur- 
pose, succinct  in  language.  It  merely 
proposes  "ap|  '  of  a  small 

Committee  to  inquire  into   the   : 
qiinlitii-s  of  the  lion.  Member  for  N'nrth 
Armagh."     This    is    Mr.    MOOHK    who. 


could  not  locate  it     In  course  of  tit  tmmd  t.-  take 

attention    waa    focuated    Upon    a    plain,  the  place  of  the  ever  lament. -d    ( 

unemotional    Member    seated    on     tlu>  Su  SH.RSOS.     There   is    about   the   ].i 

top  bench,  almost  immediately   behind  |K«al  the  allurement  of  kind1 

the    Leader    of    the     1                    ..       It  int.n-st    in    one    who.    though     sharply 

waa  Mr.  ROOT,  one  of  the  Members  for1*  :  .  -..-..I   gi                  still 

King's  County.     His  countenance  lc:  ked    at    in    proper 

no  assistance  to  anxious  search.     Having  light,  it  is  one  of  those  touches  of  i 

presumably    opened     his    mouth     and  lh.it  make  (lie  world  kin. 

emitted  the  weird  sound,  he  closed  it  SrtAKER,  however,  does  not  take  that 


Intimates    that     the    notice    ot 
intended    motion    will    lie    disregarded. 
I'li.it  something  of  a  rebuff;   Mr.  I!II>I>Y 
:t  \\ilh  fortitude.      He  has  publicly 
tT.«-l.imied     his     Ix-ni-volent     intention. 
h.is    h.-.ird    it  ;     it    will    get    into 
print.      If    the    Sir.iKl.H    interposes,    the 
-ilidily     lies    with     him.       Only 
mother  evidence  of  the  impossibility  of 
\oii   appreciating   the   geniality  of 
•In-  Irish  character. 

/>'iixi>i<-.<«    ilinif.     Lights    on    Vehicles 
Hill    and     Railway   (Gross    Negli,, 
Hill  read  a  second  time. 


THE  POLITE  FEEDER. 

Bring  a  mipiJrmmt  to  the  intrrentinq  artirle 
on  "  TaUe  Mntinm "  vhich  rrtrntly 
appeared  in  "  The  Daily  Chroniele.") 

Br.uts  by  France  in  cookery,  by 
(  li-rmaiiy  in  eflieiency  and  by  America 
in  "getting  on  or  getting  out,"  England 
still  retains  her  proud  supremacy  in  the 
art  of  noiseless  and  unobtrusive  feeding. 
To  a  few  happy  souls  this  is  an  inl«>in 
gift;  to  the  less  favoured  majority  the 
following  hints  may  be  of  service  in 
enabling  us  to  maintain  our  national 
paraniountey  in  the  etiquette  of  eating. 

THE  SERVIETTE. 

The  serviette  is  a  test  of  true  fcible 
manners.  In  the  purlieus  of  May  fair 
this  writer  has  occasionally  heard  it 
styled  a  napkin,  but  no  self-respecting 
diner  will  uso  such  a  vulgar  sol< 
One  might  as  well  speak  of  a  coal-scuttle 
in  place  of  a  perdoneum.  The  serviette 
should  not  be  waved  about  during  con- 
versation or  thrust  into  the  sle<  • 
joining  the  ladies.  The  well-bred  Briton 
l:iys  his  serviette  acTOBS  his  knees,  and 
on  quitting  the  table  should  endeavour  to 
fold  it  up  in  the  shape  in  which  it  was 
originally  placed  before  him. 

TiKixo  WIXE. 

The  old  habit  of  taking  wine  with  a 
A  hat  gone  out  of  fashion 
..[  late  years,  but  is  still  in  vogue  in  the 
lust  houses.  The  formula  is  as  follows: 
•  Mr.  BI.\SK  a  glass  of  sherry  for  port) 
wine  with  you."  If  the  person  addressed 
is  within  an  easy  distance,  the  glasses 
may  In-  clinked,  but  not  violently,  as 
fine  crystal  is  brittle. 

SALT  AND  rra  USES. 

The  Englihh  knife,  with  all  its  blood- 
thirsty  suggestions,  is   reduced    to  the 
at.'l    li-a-t    obtrusive   office.      It  is 
.-it  dug  into  the  salt-cellar.     For 
England    has   reached   tho  delicacy  of 
:   *  'iis,  and  only  in  a  Soho  restaurant 
will  she  give  you  the  real  savour  of  the 
Continent  by  providing  salt-cellars  with- 
out spoons.     But  even  in  smart  society 
it  is  not  unusual  to  hear  a  grand  telgneur 
accost  a  grande  dame  with  the  words, 


MARCH  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


213 


Small  Boy  (in  the  middle  of  Thompson's  pet  story).  "  OH,  PLEASE  STOP!     IT'S  GETTING  ALMOST  TOO  MUCH  FOB  TUB  MAIDS  ! 


"  Madam,  a  pinch  of  salt  with  you." 
Should  any  salt  be  spilled  in  the  process 
of  transference  to  the  plate,  it  should  be 
carefully  spooned  up  and  thrown  over 
the  left  shoulder,  care  being  taken  not 
to  do  this  when  any  of  the  menials  are 
behind  your  chair,  or  heavy  damages 
may  be  incurred  under  the  Domestic 
Servants'  clause  of  the  Workmen's  Com- 
pensation Act.  In  the  case  of  a  sudden 
upset  of  a  glass  of  claret,  salt  should  be 
immediately  heaped  on  the  stain,  but  the 
converse  process  is  not  equally  efficacious. 

SECOND  AND  THIRD  HELPINGS. 

The  number  of  helpings  which  it  is 
legitimate  to  ask  for  depends,  speaking 
roughly,  on  the  number  of  courses.  In 
a  dinner  of  more  than  six  courses,  for 
example,  the  well-bred  diner  should 
think  twice  before  asking  for  a  second 
helping.  This  subject,  however,  is  ex- 
haustively treated  in  EUSTACE  SMILES'S 
Self  Help.  At  a  Soho  restaurant  it  is 
not  good  form  to  ask  for  a  third  helping 
of  any  dish  in  the  menu  of  a  Is.  Cd. 


I  dinner.  There  are  in  fact  four  factors 
!  in  the  situation :  (1)  the  number  of 
courses ;  (2)  the  size  of  the  original 
portion  ;  (3)  the  tariff  of  the  restaurant, 
if  you  are  paying  for  your  dinner  ;  and 
(4)  the  appetite  of  the  diner. 

DIFFICULT  DISHES. 

Ice  pudding  should  not  be  eaten  too 
rapidly  or  it  will  give  you  a  pain  in 
the  forehead.  It  is  narrated  of  an  Irish 
gentleman  that  on  partaking  of  this  dish 
for  the  first  time  he  incautiously  absorbed 
a  large  mouthful  and  exclaimed,  "  Beclad, 
boys,  I'm  scalded,"  thus  proving  that 
extremes  meet.  Shrimps  must  not  be 
swallowed  whole.  It  is  true  that  the 
present  writer  once  saw  these  detestable 
crustaceans  treated  in  this  wholesale 
fashion  by  a  party  of  Tyrolese  jodellers 
on  a  cargo  steamer  on  the  Danube,  but 
the  results  were  not  calculated  to  en- 
courage imitation.  Porridge,  it  is  hardly 
necessary  to  insist,  as  becomes  a  stand- 
ing dish  must  be  eaten  standing,  but 
this  attitude  is  not  de  rlgueur  in  the 


case  of  grape  nuts,  hominy,  or  semoline 
pudding.  Artichokes,  asparagus,  and 
macaroni  are  best  eaten  in  solitude. 


Did  Shakspeare  "Write  for  all 
Time  t " 

CERTAIXLY.  For  instance,  he  foresaw 
the  advantages  of  the  new  Compensation 
Act  when  he  said  : 

"  I  shall  be  glad  to  be  your  servant." 

And  again : 

"  I  looked  for  the  chalky  cliffs,  but  I 
could  find  no  whiteness  in  them." 

Naturally :  they  were  covered  with 
advertisements. 

"  A  horse  !  a  horse  !  my  kingdom  for 
a  horse!" 

cried  Richard  the  Third  on  the  Field  of 
Bosworth.  Even  in  the  good  old  days 
it  seems  that  one  could  never  depend 
on  those  pesky  motors. 

And  already  we  find  that  the  poet 
disliked  the  motor-bus.  He  says  he 

"  Wants  not  Iwzzers  to  infest  his  ear." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LQM"»N  CHARIVAKI. 


20.  1907. 


CHATTY  METHODS  OM  THE  BENCH. 


'"  How  «illy  TOO  rh«|*  are  to  RH  into 
«iU,  •Momlraden."  mid  Jade*  BMOK  to  • 
hatch  of  rwlm  rfcrk*.  who  wen  ned  at  tin- 
•"niauliai/  (',«•  y  ffjprwt.] 

Fao»  a  daily  paper  of  tin-  week 

re    Mr.    Justice    Joxn,    JAKE* 
ix  PKABOPY  (19),  and  EDWAM>  1 
rum*  (SI),  were  accused    of  stealing 
mods    to    the   vain.  hteenpence 

from  a  fniiU-rr  r*  stall  in  the  (  onm 
Road.      Constable   X  1.'.   deposed   thai, 


hia  candid  opinion,  they  were  a  ] 
crocks   wl.  '    '  ..-Lamed    of 

themwlx.- .    and   In-  h..|-ed  they  would 


lhemsel\es     U- 


utter   footlers   a*  1"  I'-' 
.  ,|    into    his    ('..nil 


The  prisoners,  haxing  paid  their  fine 
anked    his   Honour,  then    left   tin- 
Court. 

THE  AVOIRDUPOIS  OF  SOULS. 

FIVK   reputable   phy 
ts,  U.S.A.,  7V 


f   Ma 

Triliiiiir    informs 


____ 
when  arrested,  accu~-d  endeavoured  to   us,  have  discovered  proof  of  the 


man  ha*  l>een  able  to  manage  without 
killing  his  sub 


We 


tin-  results  of  one  or  two  of 


Cations. 

Hi-  ..M  nurse.  living  in  a  Hertfordahire 
village  Iv.ir.'ld  ^>ul.  and  in  very  good 
i-onilition  ;  weight,  1  I  st.  I'll 

A  retired  provision  merchant:  This 
gentleman  rimented  upon  in  his 

new  house,  where  he  had  just  been  fur- 
nishing his  picture  gallery  an<l  library. 
The  former  he  inanage<l  with  the  help 
of  a  foot-rule  ami  a  printed  list  »f  the 
Hundr.-d  15.  -t  Arti-ts  ;  the  latter  with  a 


conceal  the  stolen  g 
them.    (Hi*  Honour:   "Rot- 
ters ! ").    The  owner  of    the 
null,  on  entering  the  witneas- 
boztogivi  .appeared 

nen-oua. 

Hit  Honour(encourtvjinffly). 
Come  along,  old  son,  pull 
yourself  together  and  get  ii 
off  your  cheM.  Now,  what's 
all  this  ahout  these  two  chaps 

ig  your  fruit '? 
\\'itiiff.  It 's  this  way.  your 
(  hie  of  them  threw 
snuff  in  my  face  and.  while  I 
was  sneezing,  off  they  ran  with 
my  fruit. 

//i«  Honour  (lo  ppi«>nrr*). 
'i     fellows,     what  ' 
Hardly  the   game,    that,    waa 
I  .  .ill  that  a  pn-lty  thick 
aort  of  thing  to  do. 
[Applantt  in  routi,  irhifh  irnt 
initantly  tvpprettfd  trhen 
it  ilimrftl  fiijn*  of  dop- 

' 


tence  of    the    human    soul,   and    have  as 


In  defence  tlie  prisoners 
aaid  they  were  sorry,  and 
would  not  do  it  again. 

His  Honour  then  summed 
While,  he  -.lid.  it  waa  a 
bit  i>ff  if  fellows  wen-  allowed 
to  rot  about  and  play  the 
goat  all  over  the  shop,  yet, 
in  consideration  of  the  fact 
that  this  was  a  fi  rat  offence, 
he  waa  inclined  to  allow  justice  to  be 
tempered  with  mercy.  (AjtpiauM.)  The 
prisoners  must  jolly  well  get  it  into  their 
fat  bead*  that,  if  ever  they  wen-  (-.night 
game  again,  they  would 
i.  The  law  was  not  to 
be  trifled  with.  It  was  merciful  within 
limits,  but  when  chapa  asked  for  it.  they 
got  it  in  the  neck,  it 'hem.)  And  he 


"  A   LAMB   HELD   MET  THE  lluna."—  Hunting  Naif*. 


prepared  to  give  prisoner*  his 
aolemn  word  that  gaol  was  not  all  beer 
and  ftkiuW.  If  they  didn't  believe  hmi. 
let  thorn  j  try  and  *••*•  In  the 


•     • 


taking   everything    int<> 


account,  he  would    :  mire  them 

11     out    tWO    (('  •  If    they 

• 


up.  th'-n  t 
Chok 


wanted 


that     the     weight 
:^<-    lili/eii    of 


determined  its  weight  Their  experi- 
ments have  been  carried  out  exclusively 
upon  their  own  countrymen,  and  from 
these,  it  is  found 
of  the  HI  nil  of  tin- 

the  United  States  is  from  a  half  to  one 

Cn:  ugh,    successful    • 

the  same  end    have  juM 

made     liy     an     eminent     wielitist 

of  this  rountry.     We  are  not  ;it  lilx-rty 

hi-*     m.-llii-ls     imr     yet     his 

identity     IN  y. -inl     the    anBuranoe     that 

nut     I>r.    SM.KHIY,   and    has    nn 

with    Hiniiingham.       While 

•:n-riean  d.<-tors'  inethi-1  h:i- 

ln    weigh     the    lx«ly     lM-f..re    and     after 

death,  and  reiluee  the  thing  to  a  simple 

sum   in    sul .tract ion.  our  own   count ry- 


|.air   of   scales.     The    re-ulls    are 
follows:     Area    of     pictures    liought 
including    out-id.-     mea>ure- 

of   fram 

20  sq.  yds.  4  wj.  ins.  ;  weight 
of  Ixxiks,  11  cxxts.  1*  qre. 

17  Mis.;  weight  Of  80U1, 
i  dwt. 

A    mild     cousin     (with     a 
strenuous  wife:  :   This  gentle- 
had ::tiolis    oh 

n  to  being  examined.    He 

explaim^l  that  as  lie  could 
not  strictly  call  his  soul  his 
own  he  did  not  feel  at  lil>erty 
to  have  it  meddled  with. 

A  wealthy  shirt  manufac- 
turer, employing  hundn 
\v. -n  at  HI/,  per  hour  (in- 
cluding the  benefit  of  work 
ing  amid  the  comforts  of  their 
own  homes):  After  a  long 
search,  this  soul  could  not  IM- 
found.  The  scienti-t  learned 
at  last  that  it  had  Ixvn  sold  ; 
lint  as  he  did  not  desire  to 
dealings  with  the  pur- 
chaser, he  made  no  further 
inqiiir 

The  greatest  living  per- 
sonality ill  tin-  I-le  of  Man: 
weight  of  soul,  4  ozs.  \l  dwt. 
B  greatest  living  j-'-r- 
-otiality  in  Stratford  ..n-Av-m: 
weight  of  -  i  -  1  ,  dxvt. 

!,-:     These    la.-t     n-ults 
arrived   at   quite   inde- 


wero 


pendi-ntly,  and    the  curious  coincidence 
they  (.resent  is  not  created   |i\  any  bias. 

uld  also  be  noted   that    printers' 
certificate*  ' 

\vere 
OMM 


and     publishers' 

not   consulted   in  these  two 


Ireland  for  Erer. 

"  His  I»rdshipsaid  it  had  alxvays  l»i-n 
:    t-i   d.-al    xvilli    tirst   ofTenders 
leniently.      In   this  instance  he  should 
!••].. ut    from    his  usual  custom,  as   the 
prisoner    had    Ix-en    wveral    times   con- 
."— Cork  Examiner. 


Mr.  Tree,  Forward  '. 
"  To  LKT,  small  furnished    Hungalow. 
II  althy  hamlet  wanted."     ('Intn-lt  Times 


MARCH  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


215 


CHARIVARIA. 

"I  HAVE  no  desire  to  cultivate  my 
garden,"  said  Mr.  BIRRELL  in  a  speech 
last  week,  "I  do  not  like  stooping." 
Yet  that  is  sometimes  the  way  to  conquer. 


Mr.  ASQUITH,  it  is  said,  intends  to  set 
aside  £1,000,000  of  his  surplus  for  old 
age  pensions  for  the  deserving  poor. 
The  report  has  caused  great  excitement 
among  the  Socialists,  who  are  asking 
angrily,  Why  only  the  deserving  poor  ? 

"What  are  'The  New  He-brides,' 
about  which  they  are  making  such  a  fuss 
in  Parliament  ?  "  asks  a  correspondent. 
"  Are  they  anything  to  do  with  the 
Suffragettes?"' 

We  hear  from  an  unreliable  source 
that  a  most  touching  scene  is  to  be 
witnessed  now  whenever  the  House  of 
Lords  sits.  The  members  greet  one 
another  with  the  words  "  Not  abolished 
yet !  "  and,  now  and  then,  a  feeble  cheer 
will  be  raised. 


Mr.     FREDERICK    WETERHAUSER,     the 
American    "  Lumber    King,"  ; — 
who    is  reputed  to  be  worth 
£200,000,000,  has  disappeared 
mysteriously.  It  is  feared  that 
he  has  been  kidnapped,  and 
his  fellow-plutocrats  are  de- 
manding that  the  penalty  for 
stealing  millionaires  shall  be 
made  more  severe. 


Horror  of  Major  Hammerem  upon  reading 
in  his  newspaper  of  the  dangers  of  a  puffed- 
out  chest. 


ask  why  the  police  do  not  engage  the 
services  of  a  clever  picture-restorer. 

Inside  an  angler  fish  landed  at  Scar- 
borough last  week  a  2-lb.  tin  of  English 
mustard  was  discovered,  while  another 
fish  captured  recently  was  found  to 
contain  a  lady's  hat.  It  is  proposed 


that,  to  stop  this  petty  pilfering  by  fish, 
an  additional  gunboat  shall  be  placed  in 
Yorkshire  waters. 


A  lady  of  New  Jersey,  The  Express 
tells  us,  has  married  the  undertaker  who 
buried  her  husband.  One  might  search 
far  before  one  found  a  more  touching 
example  of  gratitude  than  this. 


The  KAISER  is  said  to  be 
gradually  recovering  from  the 
annoyance  caused  by  a  mad 
musician  suddenly  beating 
the  big  drum  during  an  in- 
terval at  a  -concert  at  the 
Palace.  Beating -the  big  drum 
is,  of  course,  one  of  the  most 
jealously  guarded  Imperial 
prerogatives. 

We  think  it  a  pity  that 
several  of  our  newspapers 
should  persist  in  referring  to 
Prince  RANJITSINHJI  as  "The 
Popular  Jam."  It  sounds  so 
much  like  an  advertisement. 

An  agitation  has  been 
started  among  the  coloured 
population  of  Cape  Colony  in 
favour  of  coloured  peppk 
being  tried  only  by  a  jury 
composed  of  coloured  people. 
If  this  were  done,  a  different 
complexion,  it  is  thought, 
would  be  put  on  many  cases. 

The  WERTHEIMER  pictures 
have  not  yet  been  recovered, 
and  a  correspondent  writes  to 


It  is  rumoured  that,  before  allowing 
M,\RIE  FASSNAUEH,  the  Tyrolean  Giantess, 
who  is  eight  feet  in  height  and  weighs 
24  5  stones,  to  appear  at  the  London 
Hippodrome,  the  police  obtained  from 
her  an  undertaking  that  she  would  not 
become  a  Suffragette. 

On  reading  an  announcement  in  her 
newspaper  last  week  to  the  effect  that 

Viscount   BOLINGBROKE  AM)  St.  JOHN  had 

just  celebrated  his  eleventh  birthday,  an 
old  lady  remarked,  "How  quaint!  I 
suppose  he  was  Twins." 

The  New  York  Smart  Set  is  still 
talking  of  nothing  but  Mrs.  BERNHEIMER'S 
topsy-turvy  dinner  which  began  with 
coffee  and  ended  with  soup  and  oysters, 
the  guests  sitting  on  the  table. 
It  is  considered  the  wittiest 
idea  that  a  member  of  the  New 
York  Smart  Set  has  had  for 
many  years. 


Meanwhile,  an  Order  of 
Nebuchadnezzarites  has  been 
founded  in  Chicago,  the 
members  of  which  will  eat 
their  meals  and  take  their 
exercise  on  all  fours  to  pro- 
mote health.  'Tis  a  merry 
world,  my  masters,  as  Miss 
CORELLI  would  say. 


"  Colonel - 


-,  New  York,  will 


pay  a  specialist  £4,000  for  an  opera- 
tion to  re-shape  the  face  of  a  baboon. 
If  this  is  successful  he  agrees  to 
undergo  a  similar  operation liimself , 
for  which  he  will  pay  another 
£6,000." — Evening  Standard. 

WE  have  not  seen  the  Colonel, 
but  the  difference  in  price  is 
smaller  than  we  should  have 
expected. 

"  Situation  Wanted,  by  a  married 
man,  as  Table  Hand."— Co-operative 
Netc». 

CAN  we  not  persuade  him  to 
be  a  Table  Leg  instead  ?  So 
much  more  useful. 


Little  Girl  (u-)io  Jias  just  kiaaed  lier  father  good-n'ujtu).  "  OH,  FATHER, 

lOtIB   BEARD   18   SCRATCHY  !  " 

Father.  "DEAR   ME,  Miss,  roc   IRS  PABTICULAB.     IT  CAN'T  BE  VERT 

BAD — I   SHAVED   IT  THIS   HORNING." 

Little  Girl.    "  WELL,  THEN,  FATHEB,  rr  's — rr  'B  TEBT  TALL  FOB  ITS 
AOE  ! " 


Botanical  Note. 
"THIS  Church  constitutes 
an  interesting  leaf  in  our  local 
history.  It  is  the  only  one  of 
the  kind  in  existence,  the 
other  being  at  Philadelphia 
in  the  United  States."— Man- 
chester City  News. 


PUNCH,  OK   T1IK    LONDON    UIAK1VAKI. 


MVBCH  80,  L907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

WHICH   tin  you    prefer     fighting   or   diploma,  y?     Which 
the'more attractive-  the  Foreign  Secretary  handing 
in  his  iwignati<  f.  or  the  swift  thrust  in  fiVnv 

parried  with  a  wrist  of  *t«el  ?    Take  your  choice  from 
'  -  books  which  CASSELL  has  just  published. 

/ViiKVM  ilnritsa. 
PKKT  J.  BuavEa. 


T\e 

Auiuci  IU»  u»T. 


Iftb: 

Anker: 

Tl>»   imtayimiry 

Jam :  8ftg». 

TV  UMMrmmg  kirng :  Leopold  VI.  >.-nlmun.|  I\. 

Tktr&lfml  matartk:  Prince  Victor.  PrinMM  M«riu«. 

In  Ion  iri/A.  Rrryl  lltum.  Dwnaad  Kllerey. 

Dnu  rx  martin* :  -rt     MMOO.     U«     Lord      Clowton,     th« 

Foreign  Minuter.  Ambuudor. 

There  we  have  the  chief  |m>ple.  Hut  while  Vlrlor  (in 
London)  is  slowly  approaching  his  throne  by  tin-  tortuous 
path  of  diplomacy  an«l  intriK""1.  M<irit:<i  (in  Stnral/licrg'  i« 
trapesing  around'  in  l*>y's  clothes,  and  fighting  brigands. 
and  sacrificing  herself  for  Elltrty.  an«l  having  no  end  of 
a  time.  Personally  I  find  it  much  easier  to  believe  in  a 
brigand  than  in  a  Foreign  Secretary,  and  the  illusion  of 
Mr.  Hrawa's  book  is  the  more  real  to  me.  Also  I  don 't  care 
•boat  Mr.  BARCLAY'S  grammar.  "  I  wonder  whom  the  con- 
CHMJoniiroji  are"  |>  i'>-  "He  knew  whom  his  friends 
were"  (p.  85),  "I  don't  Mi.-\v  anyone  no  matter  whom 
would  try  to  prevent  you"  (p.  258).  Mr.  BARCLAY  may  say 
that  in  no  cane  are  they  his  own  words,  but  merely  the 
speeches  of  his  characters.  Then  I  suggest  that  the  fact 
that  a  different  person  is  speaking  each  time,  ami  that 
thev  all  make  the  same  mistake,  argues  a  lack  of  originality 
in  Mr.  BAKLAY.  

A  soulful  youth's  unbridle*!  strife 
Against  the  sober  facts  of  life 
•i  the  face  of  it  does  not 

Su>;p.M  a  very  striking  plot, 
But  AHTIII  K  M  \nu:s  lias  the  touch 
Which  makes  it  such. 

1  !••  lias  the  pen  which  can  define 
A  portrait  in  a  single  line, 
Ami  in  a  cluster  of  vignettes 

:rawn  he  delicately  seU 
Hi-,  hero  of  the  yi-aniing  Houl, 
And  blends  the  whole. 

The  author's  title  for  his  theme's, 
Aptly  enough.  Tlif  1 1  til  of  Dreamt  — 
Prophetic  of  the  tale,  no  lew 
Than  of  his  own  deserved  success ; 
QtAVT  HK-HAUM  has  the  book  to  sell ; 
I  wish  it  well. 


The   Whirlpool  of    Europe  (Hum),  by   AiClUB.aD  and 
ETHEL  CbbQUBOVX,  deals  with  tin  I  pi.  -. 

dhioo  of  Auatria-Hungui  <  >l    1.^  ;  »lii<-li 

FEAXTM  JOBCPB.  Emperor-KiiiK.  lit  fully  ^  the 

story  one  comes  to  understand  the  title,  and  r« 
appropriatenew.    Atwtria-Hungary  i-  truly  A  ulnrl| 
agglomerstion  of  natkmalities   seething   m..|.  r    «!...!    \,     • 
HuawiY  would  call"aaort  of "  flOMtwutional  i.- '\.riii.i.-ni 
Whether  Austria  hate*  Hungnr>  the  more,  or  whether  lluu 
gary  most  dearly  deairea  to  plant  a  dagger  in  the  throat  of 
Austria,  is  a  question  difficult  to   resolve.      If   (her 
only  two  nations  linked  under  ll.ipsburg  rule  it   would  not 
be  more  hopeless  than  the  caae  of  England  and  Ireland,  in 
whose  "  union  "  (similitude  with  the  nr>] 

•.d.     Hut  a  me<lley  of   races  goes  to  make  up  the 
Empire.     In  the  army  there  are  eleven  nationalities,  each 


speaking   its  own    l.m«ii:tk'e.  ten   aniiry   l»x-;iu<i-   the   word   of 
ciiniiiiaiel    i-  «iven    in  the   ( ierman  tongue.      'I'll.'   I/x'isliiture 

•  iiich    all    -irl    tv|.r.-M-nl.itives    is    a    \i-rilalile    Tower    of 

ii.ir.iel.-n-*tic  of   Mr.  ( '.if.-!  IMI  N   that  lie  should 

had  the  courage  to  approad  iKicvt  with  intent 

vesvnt  in  a  single   volume  M  lucid   story.      This,  with   the 
asaistance  of  his   wife,  he   h  l'-l    in  doing,  the  l»,,k 

g  a  marvel  of  erudition  x-'iiied    liy  patii-iit    research. 
\.ilui-  i-  iiicr.-.i~.il    I iy  a  numlxT  of  photographl  t.iken   on  the 
spot,  reproducing  ixsisant  cost  nines  and  t\ . 


THE    TRULY    GREAT. 


fAfu-r  reading  Home  o(  the  sutobioKraphie*  r*  cou- 

J  in  Mr.  LRACH'H  recent  v.ilu  tltimj.] 


THKRE  are  people  who  will  aim  at  a  literary  fame, 

There  are  others  who  will  live  laliorioii-i  il 
Siirnini:  all  the  sweet  delight-;  of  donu-sticatitl  nights 
For  the  prospect  of  the  |K>litieian'-  !• 

There  are  people  who  importune 

l.idy  Fortune, 

Growing  grey  l>eneath  ]>r«-uniary  (-ires, 
Who  will  slave  away  like  niggers 
•heir  figures, 
Just  as  hard  as  dames  of  fashion  toil  at  theirs. 

What  a  life  of  sordid  pain  and  of  saerilice  in  vain  ! 
One  may  well  lie  moved  to  pity  when  one  thinks 
(  »f  the  laurels  kept  liy  Kali-  for  the  man  who's  truly  _ 
For  the  pro.  WOO  hoi.  Is  the  record  of  th"  links. 
Not  for  him  the  fevered  hustle 

And  the  luiMle, 

Ndt  for  him  the  constant  struggle  and  the  strife; 
*  Fame  anil  Fortune  hast*>  to  woo  him 

And  pursue  him, 
Bearing  everything  that  makes  a  joy  of  life. 

All  that's  beautiful  and  sweet  fall*  in  worship  at  his  f.vt, 

And  you'll  scarcely  lind  a  foo/.ler  in  the  town 
Hut  would  hump  his  swollen  head  on  the  stars  if  it  were  said 
lie  uas  privileged  to  nod  to  Hiu.y  Hi 
Hishops,  millionaires,  contra. 

Comic  a. 

Poets,  painters     even  motiarchs  feel  a  thrill 
If  he  grants  them  some  attention, 

And  they  mention 
With  a  glow  that  they  have  shaken  hands  with  Hiu.. 

Then  the  editors  in  scores  lie  in  wait  alniut  his  doors, 
And  they  offer  him  a  fortune  to  ivlate 

•   three  he  learnt  to  drive,  how  he  putted  (a 
How  he  enrol  him-elf  of  slicing    "I'll,  eight). 
Million^,  skipping  even  hoi 

And  divorce  i 

Seek  the  column  when-  lie  tells  them  how  he  ],! 
With  his  niblick  at  the  seventh 
And  eleventh, 
At  St.  Andrews,  when  In-  halved  a  round  with  Hltui>. 


Kaili.  v  tr.-ats  us  all  the  selfsame  way, 

Cannot  drag  him  to  the  level  of  the  i 

dler  fry,  such  as  peers  a  men, 

die. 

They  are  happy  if  they  get  a  par.  at  '• 

Hut  when  Hill   at  lust  has  holed  out, 

S'.irx  are  sold  out, 

.\>ir»  and  Ti'lf-jru/Ji  are  full  of  his  renown  ; 
Pictup-d  columns  tell  the  -• 

(  )f  his  glory, 
And  the  posters  read,  "  Last  words  of  BIIXY  BKOWN." 


MM:.  II  L>7,  I '.KI7.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


JI7 


CROFTER 
COTTAGE 

T-  D-C-  »• 


Tin:  TuiKisr  PEVEI.OP.MENT  COMPANY  LIMITED  is  TURNING  ITS  ATTENTION  TO  THE  HIGHLANDS  OF  SCOTLAND  THIS  YEAB. 

(iltEAT    IMPROVKMENTR    ARE    EXPECTED. 


CHARIVARIA. 


CHARIVARIA. 

Tin:  re-Opening  of  the  trousers  pockets 
of    the-    I  {oval     Garrison    Artillery,     1st 

Scottish     Snli  I  >i>trict,     took    place    last 
week   quietly,  and    without  ceremony  of 


I  ,~M  I  I'll   \J~ .L/lOt 

(juietly,  and 

any  kind. 


It  is  reported  from  Natal  that  ]>\\i- 
n\\n  lias  come  to  life  again.  If  this 
be  true,  it  is  an  art  of  gross  insuhordi- 
nation  of  which  tin-  ( iovernmeut  will 
be  forced  to  take  cognisance. 


M.  T>K  HKAI  KKl'AS  lias  issued  a  pam- 
phlet in  which  tlOBUggesta  the  format  ion 
of  an  "  Anglo- Franco  ( 'elio  ( iallo-Ltlino- 
Slav  Scandinavian  League."  Although 
one  \\onlil  never  have  guessed  il  from 
this  title,  M.  DK  l>KAl  KKl'AS  is  a  distin- 
guished economist. 


In  commenioration  of  the  fiftieth  anni- 
versary of  its  opening  the  reading-room 
of  the  l'nti>h  Museum  is  to  be  closed  for 
six  months.  _____ 

During  a  prolonged  wrangle  between 
two  women  litigants  in  the  Kingston 


County  Court,  Judge  RUSSELL  suddenly 
exclaimed,  "  And  these  are  the  people 
who  want  votes  !  "  The  obvious  retort 
was,  "  Well,  Mr.  O'BiiiKM  and  Mr.  DILLON 
have  them." 

The  greatest  indignation  has  been 
aroused  in  canine  circles  by  Father 
V  \n  ;n  \x's  repeated  attacks  on  pamperers 
of  dogs,  and  it  was  resolved  at  an 
important  meeting  of  Toys  held  the  other 
day  near  Belgrave  Square  that  the 
reverend  Father  be  bitten  at  the  earliest 
opportunity. 

The  Theatrical  Managers'  Association 
has  issued  a  letter  to  the  Press  requeM 
ing  that  the  plots  of  new  plays  shall 
not  he  divulged  before  production  in 
the  theatre.  This  desire  for  secrecy  is 
sometimes  carried  to  absurd  lengths. 
We  have  known  instances  where  the 
plot  of  a  musical  play  has  been  kept  a 
secret  during  its  entire  run. 


An  exhibition  of  the  works  of  humor- 
ous artists  is  to  be  held  in  Paris  at  the 
Palais  de  Glace.  It  sounds  as  if  it  might 
be  a  frost. 


One  day  last  week  the  temperature  of 
London  was  10  degrees  warmer  than 
that  of  the  Riviera.  In  spite  of  this 
there  was  no  appreciable  increase  in 
the  demand  for  villas  at  Rotherhithe 
and  other  South  London  watering  places. 
Yet  the  Englishman  of  fashion  claims 
to  be  a  patriot. 

We  had  hoped  that  the  day  of  in- 
humane judges  was  over  in  this  country, 
but  last  week  Mr.  Justice  DAIU.IM;  was 
delivering  judgment  in  a  cast1  when 
he  suddenly  stopped  and  said,  "  Will 
the  usher  be  good  enough  to  wake  that 
gentleman  who  is  sleeping,  so  that  he 
may  listen  to  my  judgment  ?" 

Says  the  Suffragettes'  War  Song:  — 
"  From  cadi  lull  anil  valley 
S't'  tlic  workers  rally, 
Far  and  near  assembled  Itero 
To  join  their  sisters'  silly." 

Mr.  1'iiiii-h  has  sometimes  been  unkind 
to  the  Suffragettes,  but  never  so  unkind 
as  this. 

The  Light  that  Failed. 
RUSKIN'S  SEVEN  LAMPS — Just  out,  Is. 


VOL.   CXXXII. 


Ill 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ii   :•:. 


THE    HOLIDAY    TASK. 


[To 


.. 
TmteU  me  you  have  D«>k«dyc«r  transit 

--  .••••.:.••• 
Where  coamopolitans  at  (  'anne- 

;.  of  daedal  earth  ; 
Wliera  social  life  n  pa»l  reform 
And  Time  was  only  made  to  kill  ; 

•  •re  Labour  Members  cease  from  storming, 
And8uffragrtteaarcit.il. 

Then-  in  a  tidrlesa  inland  Ocean 

fuddling  at  large  with  carelem  feet, 
You  will  enjoy  the  calm  emotion 

Allowed  to  Qreataeas  in  retreat  ; 
Wrapped  in  a  peace  no  Party  voice  stirs, 

You  '11  bask  beneath  a  mellowing  sun, 
Assimilating  local  oysters, 

NiMiling  a  hot-crow  bun. 

But  not  for  long  you  11  seek  distraction 

In  smiling  back  at  azure  seas  ; 
A  brain  like  youm  tlwt  's  built  for  notion 
ild  soon  be  irked  by  torpid  cose; 

!:iy  or  so  of  care's  unloosing 

At  pleasure's  fount  a  transient  gulp 
Then  to  the  problem  of  reducing 

The  House  of  Peers  to  pulp. 

Well.  if  your  neighbours,  too  light-ln-.idt.il, 

Dirert  your  eye  froin  off  the  gonl. 
And  you  are  keen  on  being  steadied 

!'•>•  converge  with  a  kindred  soul,  — 
Failing  a  more  congenial  crony 

To  serve  the  noble  end  in  view, 
l>rop  me  a  line—  1  'm  nt  Men  tone— 

I  11  see  what  I  can  da  0.  S. 


NATURE    STUDIES. 
THE  DISCOMFORT!*. 

I  OUTDOED  to  meet  him  at  the  Eustace  Miles  Restaurant, 
where  I  was  drinking  a  cup  of  tea.  The  company  \vas 
mainly  of  the  female  variety.  Wo  were  two  lonely  masculim 
drops  in  an  ocean  of  encompassing  womanhood,  and  thus 
we  were  drawn  to  one  another.  At  any  rate  In-  -at  down  at 
the  table  at  which  I  had  already  wcurcd  a  seat.  There  \v<>n 
no  special  points  about  him.  His  dress  waa  unostentatious 
and  bis  face  had  a  vacant  expression  and  aMiihhly  moustache 
Then  are  thousands  and  thousands  of  men  exactly  like  hin 
to  be  met  with  throughout  England.  He  said  "<;,.. I  after 
noon"  politely,  remarked  on  the  crowd,  thought  the  |.l.i. . 
moat  be  doing  good  business,  ordered  his  tea.  Th.-n  1.. 
settled  down  and  aeemed  to  be  expecting  something.  Imme- 
diately afterwards  the  cat  of  the  establishment,  an  agreeable 
animal  of  a  tabby  character,  was  observed  to  be  advancing 
towards  n*.  She  was  carrying  something  in  IKT  month. 

Jovr."  said  my  companion  in  a  voice  that  rang 
through  the  room,  "  I  'm  jiggered  if  she  hasn't  got  a  mouse ! 

No  sooner  bad  these  awful  words  left  his  mouth  than  al! 
the  women  in  the  room  rose  M  if  pulled  up  by  one  string 
and  scrambled  hurriedly  each  upon  a  chair ;    t ho  waitreMes 
scurried  hither  and  thither  like  hens  escaping  from  a  motor 
car;  and  it  was  not  until  the  sturdy  male  guardian  •  f  tin 
entrance  had  descended  upon  the  cat  and  chased  her  Iwhi' 
the  Manes  that  something  like  order  was  restored      When 
kicked  at  my  companion  I  was  startled  to  observe  • 
that  had  taken  place  in  his  aspect    His  eyes  were  gleaming 
his  teeth  were  set— the  whole  face  betrayed  the  intense 
excitement  under  which  he  was  labouring. 


n't  you  1  I  said. 

I    should    ju-!    think    1   do. 
••iinu.il    in  a  lower    I  1   H   I''"   .v""  •« 

I  tivd  th.it  up." 
v.-d  what  iipV"  said  I. 

I  that  little  scene,"  li«-  replied.     "  I  ' 

nouse  with  me  air!  ;  to  gi\c  it  t»  the  i          I  knew 

1    IK-    some    fun,    and    there    was.       <  >n    the    whole    I 
Consider   it  one  of  the   |HT*|   thing-    I'*'1  'lone.      Of  .-,,111 
pod    d.-.d    depends    on    the    mou-e.       They're    funny   little 

:.. -Lilly  bring  it  off  all  right." 
••  |!  (ten  lri.il  it  '?"  I  venture.!. 

•    !  .  •  -hnv  tim.-s  at    FuL  in    the 

..ir  time,  in   Regent  Street,  and 
that    makes  fourteen.      The   fact    in"      he  dropped   his 

'.ikon  up  the  profession  of  a  Dwcomfoit 
"AKs-" 

;,forter.      I   go  :il""'«   Tying  to  i. 
incoinfortable   in   small  l"ii't   "iiak.-  any  money 

.lit  of  it.  hut  it  '.s  lots  of  fun.      For  inMance.  if  I  Itish 

i.i-l  towards  me  in  a  hurry.  I  gi.  for  him 
linvtly.at  aU'tit  the  sime  pa<v.  and  when  we  come  facet. 

,  to  hi- right  < 

[   move  sharply   t..  my  left  .   then   of  course   I..  his 

eft    ami    I   d.-dge   back   to  my   right,  and    by  that    time 
(iiiti-  ho|.cle*s.      You   ran    keep   it    up   sometimes    for  a  d 
-hifts,  and,  if  you  're  lucky,  he'll  drop  his   umbrella  or  his 
lat    will    roll  'off.   and    anyhow    he'll    li«ik    a-   .-ill>    as   they 
make   'em.     Then    there's  another   very    pretty   little    trick. 
L,'()  out  in  an  old  hat  and  get  on  a  motor  bus.  and  a- 
ii  'r<-  iu  a  fair  crowd  of  trallir  you  !.•(   your  hat  blow  off. 
Hi,'.    IMI-  .mil   all    the   other   bu.-e,    IN  hind 

you  have  to  Mop.  and    most  of  the  cabs   M.,]..  and  Ir 
'men  start   chivying  the  hat,  and   b\  the  tii  :  it    hack 

you've  diaorganised  the  whole   tralhe   of    lyindoii.      1   dare- 
on 've  thought  it  's  the  man  who  gets  his  hat   blown  off 
who' looks  a  fuul.     You're  wrong.     It  t  the  p,,,ple  who  run 
after  it. 

••  J  '11  tell  you  a  little  thing  1  've  invented  my.-clf  you  have 
to  got  a  pal'to  join  in  it,  Im-aiise  il  waul-  two  rhaps  to  make 
it  go  off  proj>crly.  P'raps  you  M  like  to  try  it  with  me  after- 
wards. Well.  \oii  and  your  pal  go  out  for  a  walk  and  you 
pick  out  some  steady  going,  jminpous  old  buffer,  and  then 
\ou  slart  walking  ahead  of  him.  while  your  pal  walks  a  little 
way  U-hind.  Every  now  and  then  you  turn  round  and  lake 
a  sort  of  half-rn-ogni-ing  look  at  the  old  parly,  and  then  urn 
shake  your  head  ami  go  on  walking.  Hut  at  la-t  you  take  a 
longer  lix)k  and  you  In-gin  to  smile  like  winking,  and  then  you 
turn  round  and  walk  towards  him  with  your  hand  strd.  lied  out 

as   if  you  meant  to  shake   him   by  the   hand.      Hy   this   ti 

lie's  dead  sure  you're  one  of  his  old  schoolfellows  come  home 
from  Australia,  so  he  V  got  his  best  smile  on  and  his  decks 
cleared  for  shaking  hands  with  yon.  and  finding  out  all  alxnit 
you  and  asking  \oii  to  May  with  him  at  his  home.  Hut,  of 
course,  you  don't  pay  the  least  attention  to  him.  You  just 
tsail  past  him  with  your  hand  out  and  your  .-mile  full  on.  and 
you  shake  hands  with  your  pal  behind  sort  of  '  My  dear  old 
chap,  what  a  bit  of  luck  to  m.i-t  yon  here  !  How  'sthe 
and  the  ki.|nV  I  tell  you,  that  's  the  limit.  You  can't  In-at 
it.  The  old  man  's  purple  witi.  but  he  s  got  uolxxly 

to    |..|     ||    off   oil." 

He  told  me  a  lot  of  other  discomforting  tricks,  and  cordially 
inviltil  me  to  join  him  in  an  expedition.  llo\\e\rr,  I  judged 
it  host  to  leavo  him  to  his  own  devices. 


OfR  Woswam.  POLICE.      ••Superintendent  MMI-IIUI 
that  by  means  of  finger  prints  he  had  <l  iliai   she 

left  au  orphan,  and   had  livdl  with  lior  grandmother." 

>, 


o 
< 


E: 

W 
O 
W 
P 


.   I 


CCJ 

o 

W 


W 
> 


w 

H 


t 

e 


s 

o 


Mvitcn  L'7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


Vicar.  "1  AM  so  GLAD  YOUR  DEAR  DAUGHTER  is  BETTER.    I  WAS  GREATLY  PLEASED  TO  SEE  HER  IN  CHURCH  THIS  MORNING,  AND  SHORTENED 

THE   SERVICE   ON   PURPOSE   FOR   HER."  , 

Mother  of  foar  daughter.  "  THANK  YOU,  VICAR.    I  SHALL  HOPE  TO  BRING  HER  EVERY  SUNDAY  xmv!" 


THE  DAILY  DOLDRUM. 

(\Vith  due  apologies.) 
OH,  think  not  platitudes  shall  pall, 
Or  triteness   bore   the   Briton's   oak- 

heart, 
So  long  as  Jupiter  can  squall, 

Or    Phoebus    steer   his    flaming   go- 

cart  ; 
Deem  not  the  obvious  played  out 

While  morn  by  morn  those  prattling 

leaders  — 
On  "How  it  Hailed,"  ''The  Sun-God's 

rout  — 
Enrapture  half  a  million  readers. 

When  streets  become  a  gelid  cake, 
When  frosts  arc  practically  joking, 

The  ]><ul\j  hul,  Inn/I  sits  awake, 

And  pens  "  The-  Clutches  of  the  Snow- 
" 


are 


\\  hen  balmy  zephyrs  swathe  the  earth, 
When    Winter's    ruder    pants 

worsted  , 
"Behold,"  we  read,  "the  month  of 

Once   more   the    lilac-blossoms    burst. 
(En.)" 


The  Doldrum' s  style  ignores  restraint. 
In  June  it  writes:    "  The  air  grows 

torrid  ; 
Two  Piccadilly  sparrows  faint ; 

A  Peckham  Bank  clerk  wipes  his  fore- 
hen,!." 

Oh,  who  can  say  what  tea-shop  snack — 
A    glass    of    milk    and    penny   bun 

(Bath)— 

Inspired  that  symphony  in  black 
On  "  Balham  in  her  little  sun-bath." 

What  need  to  book  returns  to  Kew 
And  watch  the  withering  trees  grow 

russet ; 
The    Doldrum    marks   that    change    of 

hue; 

Its  poignant  paragraphs  discuss  it. 
Acute  reporters  snuff  the  breeze 

Around  some  crescent's  garden-cinc- 
ture, 

And  lo !  next  morn  :  "  The  Chi'lsi-n  Ireea 
Begin  to  don  September  s  tincture." 

Yet  think  not  when  the  world  is  dead, 
And  Flora  brags  110  tinted  bloomers, 

The  Doldrum  rakes  an  idle  head, 
Or  lacks  for  horticultural  humours  : 


How  can  a  dearth  of  news  suppress 
The    voice  which    still  contrives   to 
blether : — 

"  Old  Nature  in  her  neutral  dress ; 
Unwonted  weeks  of  normal  weather." 

"  Of  all  Sad  Words  of  Tongue  or  Pen." 

"  Had  the  predicted  tide  been  a  3ft.  higher 
one,  the  barometer  nearly  an  inch  lower,  the 
wind  velocity  10  or  15  miles  higher,  and, 
above  all,  the  direction  N.W.,  a  combination 
which  might  really  have  •  occurred,  the  conse- 
quences of  the  late  gale  to  Southport  would 
probably  have  been  much  more  serious  than 
one  cares  to  contemplate  even  for  a  moment." 
Southport  Visitor. 

IT  seems  to  have  been  a  very  near 
thing  indeed  for  Southport. 

MR.  EVAN  ROBERTS'  "long  silence"  is 
at  last  explained.  According  to  the 
Liverpool  Kren'mg  Express  it  is  because 
he  has  been  "  on  the  verge  of  paprpap- 
Ipypppppppp." 

We  are  glad  to  hear  that  he  is  quite 
well  again,  but  a  long  silence  is  the  only 
dignified  way  of  treating  an  illness  like 
that. 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Mv     M    ;T 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  DIALOGUE, 
ihmk.     h  happened  on  the  first  day  of 

.      .    -  '  .  :  •  : 

' 
'     -  .       .  •  '      '       , 


.    —  writing  my  wivkly  story 
of  those  things  with  a  li.    ami  a  > 
it      He  was  Kenivuj),  a  fine  figur 
man.    She  wm»  I  ">•!.••  unv.  r.r 
I  was  beginning  in  a  roundabout  aort 
of  way  with  the  weather,  an-  1  the  scenery, 
and  the  bird*,  anil  him 
thinking  of   the   spring.   ami    how    hi* 
young    fancy    was    lightly   turn! 
thoughts  of  lure,  when  sud-  — 
dedy  - 

At  that  moment  I  was  called 
out  of  the  room  to  speak  to 
the  housekeeper  about  some- 
thing. In  three  minuter  1 
bock  again;  ami  I  hail  just 
•  liplx-d  my  ]*m  in  tho  ink, 
when  therv  «-.ime  a  cough 
from  the  direction  of  the  sofa 
there,  as  cool  as  you 
please,  won-  Hitting  two  persona 
entirely  unknown  to  me  ... 

I    l«-g    your    pan  I 
said.    "Thehouaeke.  |«  r 
told  me.     Whom  have  1  the  — 
what  did  you 

"Thanks,"  said    tin-   man. 

"  I  'ill  IlGGIXALD." 

"Are  you  really?"!  cried. 
"Jove,  I  am  glad  to  see  you. 
I  was  just  -just  thinking  of 
you.  Hew  are  you?" 

"I'm    sick  "of    it," 

RcDIXALD. 

N    Of    What 

*'  Of     lii-ing    accepted 

DoBJOTHt." 

I  turned  to  the  girl. 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say  —  " 

"  Yes  ;  I  'm  DUBOTHY.  I  'm 
sick  of  it  too." 

Doaonrr  !  "  I  cried.     "  By 
the  way,  let  me  introduce  you!  HEUIV.M.II, 
this  is  Duaonrr.    8he  's  sick  of  it  too." 

"Thanks,"     said     I  tea  IN  AID    culdlv. 
"Weharemetbelbrc." 

"Surely  not.     Just  let    me  look  a 

cment  .  .  .  No,  1  thought  not. 
don't  meet  till  tin-  IM-.U  paragraph.     If 
you.  wouldn't    mind    taking  a  seat,   I 
• 

RCOISALD  Stood  Up. 

••k    here,"    he   said.     "Do   you 
know  who  I  am?" 

"You're  just  RBOMALD,"  I  said; 
"and  there's  no  need  to  stand  about 
looking  so  dignified,  because  I  only 
thought  of  you  ten  minutes  ago,  and  if 
you  're  not  jolly  careful  I  shall  change 
your  name  to  lLuuu>.  -You  'r. 
(or  rLuniD),  and  you  're  going  to 


!    tlirt    with    In-r   nulilly    fur 
And    at  thr  i-inl,  I 

.:      .llll.    •-'  I       \\lll 

pled." 

:  ily. 
IIV. 

1  rulilied  my  fon-i  .ly. 

kad. 

.  t  think  what 
-I  a  paragraph  me.". 

Nit    .l.'wn  again  and* lit   a 

-  simply  tliis."  In-  said,  trying  to 
aim.       "  You    may    call    me    what 

yuii    like,    lint    I    am    always    tho   same 

person  week  after  u  • 


by 


.  "Now,  Sit,  YOB 'HE  A  WEEKI.T  n  foe  OWE  EIGHT 

WEEKS'  «F_VT.     I  mi.u.i.  HAVE  TO  i 

.-Irfilrf.     "  BAD    K)LICT     THAT.        KlLLIXO     TOE     CuoSE     THAT     LATS     THE 
OOU>E>   tOU».  TOO  KNOW  !  " 


"Nonsense.  Why,  it  was  IIHHVI;I> 
la.-t  week." 

"  Hut  the  same  person." 

••Aii.Hii.iiUj.tliew.vk  iM-fur.-.  (!KI:U.I., 
yes;  he  was  rather  a  KKK!  chap." 

"Just  tho  wiiiie.  only  the  name  was 
ilifferc-nt.  And  who  are  we?  We  are 
you  as  you  imagine  your.--l f  to  I. 

I  looked  enquiringly  at  I"oi:om\. 

'Lost  Week,"  he  went  on.  "VIM  r.illrd 

-.-.I  to  I'M 

••d  him,"  will  iKuwniv. 
I.  "  what  were  i/>iu  •! 
there,  I  ahoold  lik.-  t.i  km.w 
"Lost  week  I  was  I'M  HI 
"Theweek  U  fore."  \v,  nt  (MI  I.'I..I\MI, 
"  I  was  OBRALK,  jH^.,1  j,, 

id  laivept.-il  him." 


"  The  wit-k   U'foie   that    I    I 

II,  .l\.-M-.    tlunk    Oi    f.          I 

I. ill   I  wasn't    fit-ling   very    well 
that  v 

"  I  v.        M  put  in  lanolin,  "and 

ted  him." 

N  don't   say   ll. 

mean  pi,-   called 

u  made  i. 

:  I  ?      I  'm   awfully    sorry,      'i 
ijilite  see  your  | 

" 'I'lu-  wit-k  Ix-fore,"  u.-nt  on  Kli.isvll. 
rein,  irs4-le--ly  .  "  I   ,- 

"  Iv.u't  go  |,;,ck  into  l-'eliruary.  pi. 

February   is   M,(  |,   a   rott.'ii    n ill   with 

me.     Well   now,  what 
complaint  ?  " 

".lu-t    wha-     I 

l>l:iined  l.'l.i.i\\l.l«.   "  You  think 
\ou     have    a    new     her.i    and 
i, ut  you  're 

ken.  We  are  always  the 
s.-mie ;  and  ]>4-r-,  nally  I  am 
liml  of  pnip4t-ing  \\c4-k  after 
week  to  t!  irl." 

There    v.  -  . in. 'thing 

aUiut  Kl.iilNMI.  that     I    -- 
to    p.  •    the    very- 

slightest  something. 

"  Then  wh  '.-.illy." 

I  a-kei|.  "  if  you  'r.-alw;,. 
same  JUTS  ill  ?  " 

"Yourself.    Not  really  your- 

ir-4'.  hut  y.Hirself 
u     fomlly    imagiii' 
aiv." 

I      laugheil      scornfully. 
"You're  nothing  of  th. 
How  ridiculous  !      The  li- 
my own  stories,  inih'.  .1  '      My 
-.•If  idealised      then  I  suppose 
you  think  you  'r,.  rather  a  line 
fellow  ?  ''    I  sneeri-d. 

"  I    suppose    you    think  I 
am." 

"No.  I  il.m't.  1  think  you 
ire  a  silly  ass.  Saying  I  'm 
my  own  hero.  I  'm  nothing 
of  the  sort.  Ami  I  suppose  l"ol;oiliv 
is  me. 

"I'm  the  girl  you're  in   love  with," 
.-slid   IkilMlin.      "  Ideah- 

"  I  'm    not    in    love    with    anyon.-.      I 
denied,  indignantly. 

"  Then  \-4iiir  ideal  girl." 
"Ah.    you     might    well     l>e    that         I 
smiled. 

I   l'»>ki-d  at   her  longingly,     Sh. 
w..mlerfully    i>.-auliful.      I    went    a  little 

id     I.'l.i;iv\l|i, 

putting   his   oar  in  a-.iin.   "to  -ay   that 
-irk    of     gott: 

i  KI.I.ISM.II  alt.igi>tli4-r. 

.Ily    sick    of    him?"    I 
a-ked 


M.\iini~L'r. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


223 


" 


"  Yes  !  " 

"  As  sick  of  liini  MS  r  Mm 

"I     I  daresay." 

"Then  let's  cross  him  nut,"  1  said. 
Anil  1  went  hack  to  the  talile  ami  took 
up  my  pen.  "Say  the  word,"  I  said  to 
DOBOTHT. 

"  Steady  mi,"  liegMii  I\r.i;i\  \i.i  ......  'asily. 

"  All  1  meant  was 

"  Personally,  as  you  know,"  I  said  to 
DoRnTIIV.  "  I  think  he  's  a  silly  ass.  And 
if  Nun  think  so  too 

"  1  say,  look   here,  old  chap 

iViiioTirv  iiixlded.     1  dipped  the   pen 

in  (lie  ink. 

"Then  out  lie  goes,"  I  said,  and  I 
drew  a  line  through  him.  \\  hen  I 
looked  np  onlv  I  >oi;<>:iiv  was  there.  .  .  . 

"  DOROTHY!'"   1  said.     "At,  last  !" 

"  But  my  mime  isn'l  really  DoBOTHY, 
yon  knou  ."  she  said  with  a  smile.  "It  's 
IViKoniv  this  week,  and  List  week  il 
was  hm.l.is,  and  the  week  lie  lore 

"Then  what  is  it  really?  Tell  me! 
So  that  I  may  know  my  ideal  when  1 
see  her  again." 

I  got  ready  to  write  the  name  down. 
[  dipped  my  pen  in  the  ink  again,  and 
I  drew  a  line  through  h'liolliv,  and 
then  I  looked  up  i  |iiesl  ioningly  at  her, 
and  .  .  . 

Fool,  fool  !     She  was  gone  ! 
***** 

Tl  faut  rh'iv.  You  '11  see  the  story 
in  one  of  the  papers  this  week.  You  '11 
recognise  it,  because  he  is  called  HAROLD. 
and  she  is  failed  Lrcv.  At  the  end  of 
the  second  column  he  proposes  and  she 
accepts  him.  LITY-  of  all  names!  It 
serves  them  right. 


A    HUMANISED  IlOrSK. 

IT  is  well  known  in  provincial  circles 
that  no  visit  to  Ixnidon  is  complete  with- 
out an  inspection  of  the  Xoo  and  the 
House  of  Commons.  The  humanisatkm 
of  the  House,  however,  is  about  to  begin. 
Long  enough  has  the  nation,  especially 
that  part  whose  representatives  are  in 
the  minority  in  Parliament,  cried  out  for 
a  humane  Government,  and  Mr.  LEWIS 
HARCOURT,  M.P.,  Chief  Commissioner  of 
Works,  has  undertaken  the  civilising 
work.  The  fact  t  hat  it  was  at  a  luncheon 
given  in  the  new  Terrace  Pining  Rooms 
that  he  expressed  his  intention  of 
"humanising  the  House  of  Commons," 
does  not  necessarily,  in  our  opinion, 
lessen  the  value  of  his  utterance. 

.Mr.  lluiconiT  having  expressed  his 
willingness  to  accept  from  Meinl.ers  gifts 
with  theoliject  of  beautifying  the  House. 
there  is  a  big  rush  to  share  in  this  noble 
enterprise.  .Mr.  II  \IJI\M:  is  presenting 
an  exquisite  miniature  of  himself,  for 
which  he  sat  fifteen  hours  consecutively. 
It  is  announced  that  Mr.  RAPHAEL  (who 
now  sits  for  South  I  >erl>yshire)  is  present- 
ing a  replica  of  his  Ansidei  Madonna. 


Funny  Man.  "  PARDON  ME,  Sin,  nrr  WOULDN'T  YOU  FIND  IT  XIOBE  CONVENIENT  TO 

CARRY   A  WATCH?" 


Mr.  ARTHUR  BALFOCR  is  all  for  the 
ministry  of  music,  and  we  have  reason 
to  believe  that  he  is  willing  to  play 
pianoforte  selections  during  dinner  on 
two  evenings  of  the  week. 

It  is  strongly  felt  that  the  beautify- 
ing of  the  House  would  be  facilitated 
if  certain  Members  would  accept  the 
Chiltern  Hundreds.  They  are  to  be 
approached  on  this  matter  at  a  con- 
venient time. 

The  good  influence  of  books  is  not 
being  overlooked.  A  meeting  of  author- 
M.P.s  is  to  be  held  soon  in  the  Queen's 
Hall  (large),  when  a  presentation  of 
books  will  be  discussed.  To  avoid  any 
charge  of  egotism,  it  will  be  proposed 
that  each  author-Member  shall  present 
only  the  works  of  another  Member. 

As  the  debates  have  the  effect  of 
arousing  the  passions  of  Members,  it  is 
prohable  that  some  attempt  will  be  made 
to  do  away  with  them.  In  the  mean- 
time some  ladies  have  offered  to  bear  the 
expense  of  removing  the  grille. 

The  SPEAKER  is  presenting  the  House 


with  a  pair  of  pale  blue  stockings,  for 
Black  Rod  to  wear. 

Black  Rod  is  presenting  a  feathered 
hat  for  the  SPEAKER  to  wear  in  place  of 
his  wig. 

Mr.  WILL  CROOKS'S  gift  will  consist 
of  a  light  grey  frock-coat  and  vest, 
with  white  pique  slip,  which  he  him- 
self will  wear.  Mr.  ALPHEUS  CLEOPHAS 
MORTON  will  present  the  House  with  a 
dark  blue  velveteen  jacket,  and  a  necktie 
of  pale  mauve  with  broad  ends,  which 
he  himself  will  wear. 

There  is  something  approaching  con- 
sternation among  the  Irish  parties,  who 
protest  against  anything  like  a  com- 
pulsory humanisation  of  the  House. 


An  Upward  Movement. 

\Vi>r  END  EXPLOSION 
CONSOLS  HIGHER 

Keening  Standard  placard. 


HAVE  AMMALS  AN  AFTER-LIFE  ? — "  Stars 
for  the  Canaries."- — Music  Hall  Press. 


SITTING    TO    A    SCULPTOR. 
„,  -r  admit  tl.-,t  I  was  nattere.1  >•>  'I'-  "^"f*-     ' 

: 

Art!  but  from  what  was  Mid  after  1>*  In- 1  gOM  I  gather. 
s(A«l)to  sit   I-  I. mi   for  a  Mat  no  lie  was  doing 
jXAKn— weU,itwasaconiph:  ™" 

•torf  dolls' heads! 
Perhaps  I  rfW  give  myself  airs  about  it  afterward- 

the  nursery.    The  other  dolls  said  so,  anyh.  -.<       ' 

not  even  know  who  Queen  EUZJWBH  wu!     I  did,   . 

been  present  while  RosumncD  (whose  companion  and  ctoel 

I     I    -  .-•:,     ' 

iiistorv  liaanni  in  the  scbool-r.«'m.     So  I  was  abb  to  inform 
ibem  that  EUUKTH  was  a  beautiful  and  haughty  monarch, 


II M  II.  OR  THB  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[MAJKH  L'T.  r>»7. 


UUM    CswawalB»lll    Ws»s»  ta    a*vwi 

who  conquered  the  Reformation  in  an  Armada    -  r  it  may 
have  been  the  other  way  about) ;  that  she  was  greatly  1 
in  consequence  of  having  never  been  married  ;  and  t! 
died  of  grief  because  a  f..  ing  which  was  given   her 

in  Essex  had  been  lost  at  Nottingham. 

I  had  no  idea  I  was  considered  so  like  her.  so  it  was  all  the 
more  gratifying.  But  perhaps  I  had  better  tell  you  how  the 
invitation  came  about  The  Sculptor  happened  to  ...11  on 
Mamma  one  afternoon  when  1  and  U.-S\MI  so  were 
in  the  drawing-room.  IloaAMi  xn  makes  all  my 
is  really  quite  clever -though  I  sometimes  wish  she  had 
rather  more  style. 

I  was  just  going  '  "  »  new  frock,  so  when   the 

Sculptor  came  in  I  was  lying  carelessly  on  a  chair  in  what 
you  might  almost  call-well.  I  wasn't  wearing  any  sort  of 
costume  just  at  the  moment.  It  was  really  nit  her  embarrass- 
ing  ;  and  I  was  annoyed  with  K.XIMIAH  for  leaving  me  about 
like  that  when  I  was  not  looking  by  any  means  my  I 

However,  the  Sculptor  seemed  struck  by  the  pose  1  had 
_joonsciouBly  fallen  into.  He  said  it  was  exactly  what  he 
wanted  for  his  statue.  I  wa«  slightly  astonished  to  hear  this 
u  had  a>kcd  m.-.  1  should  have  said  that  my 
attitude  was  a  little  t<«>  limp,  and  my  toe«  a  thought  too 
much  turned  in  for  true  elegance.  Hut  that  is  one  of  tho 
odd  things  about  Art.  You  ».-r«-r  know  what  the  people 
who  do  it  will  consider  correct  and  artistic.  They  seem  to 
have  some  standard  of  their  own. 

80  he  begged  RoSAunfl)  to  lend  me  to  him  as  a  model  for 
a  day  or  two.  Between  ourselves,  KOCAVIND  is  rather  a 
t^lUh  and  short-sighted  little  person,  and  she  showed  it  now 
by  her  reluctance  to  let  me  go. 

It  may  not  have  been  annoyamv  at  my  having  beta  pre- 
ferred to  herself.  I  should  not  like  to  think  that  of  her.  She 
put  her  n-fiin.il  on  the  ground  that  she  could  not  U-.ir  to  part 
with  n  nly  charitable  to  allow  thai  that  might  have 

bean  the  real  reaaon.  She  did  not  neem  to  see  what  a  lift  it 
would  be  for  her,  socially  speaking,  to  haxe  the  hk.-n.-ss  of  a 
companion  of  hers  cut  out  in  marble  as  a  great  <,>u.-eii.  and 
exhibited  nt  t  S.m.-hoxx  I>.-\XIIM 

doesn't   Stem    alive    I.,    the    in,|..rl..u.  .     of    gelling    ••: 
that  that  i-  •"•  f'""  her  Irving  !«•  stand  in  my  v 

If  1  hn^  been  allowed  any  x-.n-  in  the  matt.  r.  I  should 
have  consented  to  ait  at  once,  without  any  fuss.  Hut  of 
course  /  was  not  consult.  .-r  am.'  tually. 

thanks  to  BOSAMCXD'S  Mamma,  a  sensible  woman  who  aaw 
the  situation  from  my  |<>int  <.f  view,  it  was  arranged  that 
Ro*Aunci>  should  bring  me  to  ten  lie  next 

afternoon,  and  leave  me  for  a  day 

I  do  not  altogether  care  about  paying  visits  unless  I  am 
properly  dreaeed  to  go  oat— but  I  supposed. the  sculptor 
would  have  rich  robes,  such  aa  Queens  wear,  ready  for  u>. 
to  put  on  when  I  came. 

Sol  told  the  other  dolls  that  evenii 

.  •    •• 


get  of  rrealure>-  Imt  then,  |n.,r  dears!  their  unfortunate 
>lainnes.s  I-M-IIS.-S  much. 

Well.    ii.-M     .lay.    a-    I     had    e\|..-«-t.-d.     1;.-\MIM>    made    a 

•it     leaving    me.      Then     u  ,  ,.|fu| 

.-ill    when    r-he   aliii'M    l.n.k-'   down,  and    1    thought    the 

S-ulptor   111.111  ".i-  let    her   have   her  own  way  after 

ill.      HIM    !  :   ju-t  a  I'.'k     my  head  may  !>•  only  china, 

,ut  i-  mould,  my  chcck.s  have  a  hard   gla/- 

and    my   1'lue  eye-,,  if   they   <nv   painted,  .-an    l«'k  very 

li.-n  I  eh.«ise  to  let  them',  and  whether  it  was  that. 

.r   the   pr.*<["Vt  of  coming  to  the   Studio   again   and    having 

more  tea  and   cak.  _;r.-.-d    to  let   me   r.-main  and   be 

mmortali- 

****** 
When   the  sittings   liegan    1    was   dreadfully  disipi-iinted. 
U-s  of  any  kind    had    l>c«-ii   j.n.vided  f<.r  me.      Luckily, 
studio  was  jii.-ely  \varm.-d.      Hut  the 
find  that   the  guivn  was  nesirly  lini>he<l  already,  and  1  could 

\   ].articular   ies.-ml.lane.-   K.-t\v.-.-n    us.      I  was 
/   hadn't  a  high   sharp  nose  and   j>eaky  chin  like  her-,  and  I 
U-gan    to  think   the   S-ulptor  couldn't    lie  a   very   ol.-.-rvant 

pemk 

As  I  said   K-fore,  1  don't    pretend  to  know  much  alK.ut  Art 
lint    the   ad\aiilaye  of   having    pain:  -I  hat  one  can 

ilways  keep   them   o|K-n.      And    1    \.-ry  -.«'ii   di-c..\.  n-<l    that 

s«  idptor  had.  I  fear  intentionally.  ^i\.-n  IIH-  .|U 
impres-ion.     1  was  not  required  I  alt.-r  all, 

but  merely  for  a  comparatively  small  figure  at  the  foot  of  h.-r 
chair.  Now  if  I  had  known  that  Ix-for.-.  I  am  not  sure  that 
I  should  have  consents!  t<>  sit  at  all.  i  a  rail  it 

sitting,   that    is,   for,  as  In-  arranged   me.  it    was  much   : 
like  moMiiayf 

Still,  1  must  sax   he  made  a  very  nice  ]H.rtrait  of  me  in  that 
messy   sticky   stuff   of   his.      I   could  scarcely  ha\e  In-hexed  I 
had    such   a    pretty    profile,    or   that    delicate    little    nos<'    and 
mischievous  curve  of  the  lips,  and   charmingly  curly    I 
lie  added  a  tiny   pair  of  wings,  which  /  think  was  a   mistake 
and  not  in  very  corr.vt  taste,  as  1  do   not    try  to   improve   my 
figure  liy  any  artificial  Mip|nirt  of  that  kind.     Hut   \ou  i 
can  tell  with  Artists.     Perhaps  he  raw  me  like  that.     N 
the  whole,  1   was  perfectly  satisfied,  and   looked   forward  to 
hearing  KOSASII  M>'.s   remarks  when   she  arrived.     She  would 
see  that  she  had  never  really  appreciated  me  properly. 

****** 

When  she  did  come,  she  seemed  only  pu/./.led.  IIO.-XMI  M. 
is  not  what  I  call  u  clever  child,  and  much  less  .(iiick  than  I 
am  at  taking  in  uexv  ideas.  "  Hut  that  isn't  .l.»i  rinsi: '  "  she 
i-ri.-d,  as  soon  as  she  .-aw  my  portrait.  1 1  >id  I  tell  you 
Viiaui.-V  It  is.)  "  Whx.it  isn't  the  least  liit 
like  her  !  " 

I    heard    tin-   Sculptor  man   explaining   to  her   Mai., 
would,  of  course,  haxe  IM-.-U  alisiird    t"    explain    to    |,'o-\xii\|.< 
that  I  was  u  sort  of  a  symlx.l.  intended  to  show  that  tin-  <,>ii.-en 
had  Ix^-u  using  Love  88  a  plaything,  and  had  dn>p|^<l    it    for 
llii- moment.     Perhaps  he  flat/  idealised   my  f.-alur.--   to 
.-\t.-nt      hut   I  d<>  not  at  all  olijivt  /"  that. 

HecaiiM-    all   the    rest   Was  exactly    m<-     ex-en    to    tl 

U-ing  turned  in  xviih  the  kind  of  graceful  languidneas  that 

is  so  chara.-teii-iic  of    when    1   am  thinking  ••!    nothing 

particular. 

Yes,  it  was  my  jl'jur,-  that   he  had  xvanted  me  to  -it  for — 
which,  wh.-n  you  come  to  think  of  it,  is  just  ;us  high   a   < 
pliment.      1  am  not  sure  it  i-u't  even  li'njln-i: 

And  I  linn-  U-en  exhiliitiil  in  the  Academy,  and  imi 
admin^l.  and  xxhen  the  other  dolls  in   the  nursery  heard   o|    it 
— O»*  I  •••  they  ./i./      they  u  1 1  idly  jealous  that 

they  almost  hurst  th. 

think,  though,  that   1  xva-  done  as  l/iu-cn    l-'.l.i/.VHKIH, 
and  not  aaa  HVinlNil  thing.      I  didn't  con-ider  it  n.-cessary  to 


MARCH  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


225 


BRICKS    WITHOUT    STRAW. 

Sales  Younj  Lady.  "  SUITS  rou  PERFECTLY,  MADAM." 

Country  Mouse  (lidptrvj  Ms  wife  to  choose  a  hat).  "  I  DON'T  LIKE  THAT  HAT  AT  ALL." 

Young  Lady.  "ALL  THAT'S  NECESSARY,  SIR,  is  THAT  MADAM  SHOULD  DRESS  HER  COIFFUHE  cr  TO  IT." 


tell  them  that — because  they  wouldn't  have  been  any  the 
wiser  if  I  had. 

I  am  sure  I  can  trust  anyone  who  reads  this  not  to  repeat 
these  confidences  (which  are  strictly  private)  to  them. 

Hut  you  couldn't,  even  if  you  wanted  to.  Because,  you 
sec,  I  carefully  haven't  told  you  where  our  nursery  is.  And 
I  '111  not  ijiting  to,  either  !  F.  A. 

TI1K   WEARING   OF  THE  GREEN.     (NEW  STYLE.) 

[Dr.  Jhi-NuivitA,  M.P.,  has  joined  the  Napror  Tandy  Branch  of  the 
United  Irish  I.eague  at  Duhvk-h.] 

0  PADDY  dear,  and  did  ye  hear  the  news  that's  goin'  round, 
The  shamrock  is  by  law  ordained  to  grow  on  English  ground. 
No  more  St.  George's  Day  they  '11  keep,  his  colour  won't  be 

seen, 
For  there  's  a  universal  craze  for  wearing  of  the  green. 

1  met  with  X  \PPEU  TANDY,  and  he  tuk  me  by  the  hand, 

And  he  said.  "How's  poor  Child  Ireland,  and  how  does  she 

stain  I?" 

It  's  tli,.  mosi  abounding  spectacle  that  ever  yet  was  seen, 
For  .M.U-NVM.MU'S  joined    the  League  and  painted  Dulwich 

green. 

They  say  that  Mr.  BIRRET.L  has  acquired  a  lovely  brogue, 
And  spends  his  hours  of  leisure  serenading  Card'nal  T/>r,n-, 


And  ANTONY  MACDONNELL  swears  he  '11  bust  the  whole  machine, 
Unless  Ould  Erin's  crownless  harp  is  heard  on  College  Green. 

Oh,  if  the  colour  we  must  wear  is  Ireland's  em'r.ild  green, 
And  PATRICK  CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN  must  dominate  the  scene, 
We  '11  tear  the  thistle  from  our  caps,  we  '11  trample  on  the  leek, 
And  pitch  the  blushing  rose  into  the  middle  of  next  week. 

When  laws  can  change  the  leopard's  spots  or  purge  the  Liffey 

clean, 

And  when  the  leaves  in  summer  turn  to  bright  ultramarine, 
Then  I  will  change  the  colour  too  I  wear  in  my  caubeen, 
But  till  that  day  I  mean  to  stick  to  wearing  of  the  green. 


Physiological  Notes. 

"  The  music  was  entrancing  to  a  fault  ....  At  one  moment  the 
foot  was  led  insensibly  to  bent  out  a  gipsy  measure  or  to  dream 
i In -MUIS  of  Andalusia,  at  the  next  the  ear  was  spellbound  .  .  .  ." 

Modern  Society. 

OCR  foot  has  often  gone  to  sleep,  of  course,  but  it  has 
never  yet  dreamed  of  Andalusia ;  at  any  rate,  it  hasn't  said 
anything  about  it  to  us. 


THE  COMPLETE  BREAKFAST  HEN. — "  Eggs,    guaranteed  hot 
buttered,  IN.  G<1.  per  dozen."— Lady. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MUCH  27.  1 


»^  (\  \  *  <, 

Y\$  $& 


THE    HUNT    STEEPLECHASE    SEASON    IN    THE    NORTH. 

CVnUU  FriW  (la  aged  eompetilor  in  the  Farmer*'  Rare,  vho  hat  been  jumped  of).  "  MA»  SASDT,  TE    8HOCI.D  HA1  IOSIXED    TEt    BREEKS. 
If   IT  DIDXA  HBLT  TE  TAB  HIDE,   IT   MIGHT   NAK   IB  STICK  TAB  THE   KIRK  OX   THE  SAWBATU  ! 


A! US   OK   AN    F.XII.i: 

II 

TUB  while  ckiutl  drifts,  tin;  viTv^-1  lift* 

•ig  Atlantic  swell  ; 
A  grrr  gull  swings  on  |.  .in-ly  wings, 

Tin- mn'.in  -  watchful  M'ntincl. 
The  pr.n-tiw-1  fowl.  :u<  I  infer. 
<  >i  me*  llutl  giirUige  will  ( 


Nor  mil  nor  smoke  for  da>-  ha-  broke 

The  vnM  oblivion  of  the  <li  • 
No  novel  sight  has  marn-<l  the  flight 

Of  11*  tlH-llt  s  ciillMlT.lle  to  sleep. 

Through     tiim-lofts     void,     unchanging 

wli. 
The  r?  urring  meal*. 

Born  of  asenm-  of  the  imn»  i 
And  nourisbed  on  ozone  and  i  • 

; 

Youon*  of  iking*  we  once  | 

Hitting     utn.. 

Tliioagfcihe  <bm  lnjh1. -I  l.md  of  dreams. 

•••red  long  nine*  in  Mem 
Of  women  woo  d  whose  sire*  wet? 

I  strore  to  embroil  wt  with  the  dog, 
Each  one  re-teekin*  :  ••*>. 


Dreams  of  a  time  when  HUJM-  sulilinie 
('oiiti-iniie<l   tli<-   thought   of   business 


I  .!••  unpaid  bill.-  and  kindred  ills 
Had  .-i-i/ed  us  by  the  little  hairs, 
rennis  in  a  word  divinely  blent 

l  If  youth  and  ph>-ical  content. 

O  halcyon  days,  when  in  the  i 

Of  summer  sun-  we  Ml  immersed, 

While  from  U'liiud  a  gentle  wind 
Tempers  a  not  nnpleasing  thir-i. 

When  only  thcwe  Ix-low  (unwell 

Fail  to  iiliNorve  the  ocean's  spt-11. 

Ala-  '   that  u-  must  ily  ;  and  we, 

Now  liorne  ali»if  from  toil  and  town, 

(letting,  to  raise  a  Western  pi  • 

Th.-ob\iou-  bnU'eon.losi.-aiid  Ituuwx, 

Must  soon  return  l»-iic.illi  the  v 

Or  end  unutterably  broke! 

Yet  no  it  goes ;  too  soon  our  nose 

'  el     the    grindstone'-,     tyrant 
str.i 

dy  dross 

"les 
The  aacred  6re  • 

ine.iiiwhile  the  SOB 

:th  a  sense  of  case  ; 


These  Bolivars  are  goocl  cigai 

"Steward,  a  S-oich-and-.so<la,  1'lease." 

to  to-d.  i.iin  'T  shine 

The  n-.-t  is  Fate's  affair,  not  mine! 

An:oi. 

SHOCKS    FOR   TI1H    Mll.I.InN. 
[A  aervice  of  rui-ilkiuiiki-  I»'«H  IUIH  lx-on  esU- 

•  I  I ,y  V  l,f  I >„,!,,   I 

|!i  v  the  i  11""    edition  of  Tin- 

S/IIK-/.-I-I-.     ('ompl'-ti-  detail-.  »f  submarine 

convul-iuiis.    Full  li-t-  "I  continent-Mill 

I,  with  map-.      Tidal  wa\e-.      All 

•-land-  H|.  to  l'i..".H  P.M. 

\\ill    l»-    |iiiblished 

S;iturda\  night.  l!e.uli-r-  may  rely  on 
ample  not  ice  of  the  end  of  tin'  world. 
'Fire  iu-iiranee  ad\erti-emeiit.-  will  be 
found  on  i  M<  saagea 

hoiiil\ .  (  'in  "  Wanted  and 
Mi--nii;  I'llumn  will  gi\e  authoritative 
information  on  >  in-  annihilatol 

ilnring  the-  day.      I.nnch  -un  spots,  com- 

|.|ele   \\ilh    li\i--wire   -top   |TC— .    .".'/. 

1  World  Cata-tropln~-    purple! 

edition. 

Hright    .-\mp.-iuiu    on    the   ipi- 
I-  th.-  Earth  bunting?" 

M  with  friends  abroad  ahould  take 
in  the  over-seas  edition  of  Tit- 


IMA'CII,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,    M \nm  27,  1907. 


C.-B.   "MEANS  BUSINESS." 


THE  PRIME  MINISTER  (.Vs.  SXUDGKASS)  PREPARES  TO  RKSCCK  LIRKRAL  LEGISLATION  (.V*.  PICKWICK)  FROM  TUB  CLUTCUES  or 

LORD  LANSUOWNE  (Ms.  GKUMMER). 

"  \\  hereupon  Mr.  Snodgrass,  in  order  that  he  might  take  no  one  unawares,  announced  in  a  very  loud  tone  that  he  was  going  to  begin, 
and  proceeded  to  take  off  his  coat  with  the  utmost  deliberation."— Pickicick  Papers,  Chap.  xxiv. 

"  As  to  the  report  that  we  do  not  mean  business  about  the  House  of  Lords,  there  is  not  an  atom  of  foundation  for  it." 

C.-B.'s  message  to  the  Electors  of  Hexham. 


MARCH  i'7,  I'.WT.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


229 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTHACTKII  FllnM  TI1K  OlAIIY  »F  Tnl'.V,  M.l1. 
1 1  nil  si'  n  f  I  'niilllKniK,  Mail  1 1 II  I/,  Mill'i'li    IS. 

If  you  want  your  flesh  to  he  made  In 
creep,  MACKAHNKSS  is  your  man.  Doesn't 
look  like  it;  neither  diil  the  Fat  I'-oy. 
Yet  on  historic  occasion  his  intervention 
was  surpassingly  effective. 

.\1  vi 'K  VHNKSS'S  effort  varied  clnlness 
of  doleful  sitting.  Second  reading  of 
( 'onsolidated  Kund  Hill  moved.  On  such 
occasion  Members  permitted  to  wander 
through  the  wide  world  eiting  cases, 
urging  instances,  with  intent  to  show 
how  much  better  they  could  have 
arranged  foreign  and  colonial  matters 
had  l'ro\  idenee  lieen  ]ileased  to  call  them 

to  the  government  of  the  Department 
concerned.  Of  course  there  came  under 
review  Colonial  Office,  which  UNDER- 
Si  (  inriARV  claims  to  be,  so  far  as  Parlia- 
mentary debate  is  concerned,  "an  ex- 
ceedingly fashionable  Department." 

MACKAIIXKSS  been  ambling  along  for 
some  time  when  his  scanty  audience 
was  roused  from  state  of  semi-sleep 
by  hearing  him  declare,  a  propos  of  dis- 
cipline dealt  out  to  Chinese  in  South 
Africa:  "I  have  often  said  the  late 
COLONIAL  SECRETAKY  was  extremely  badly 
treated  by  Lord  MILNER  and  his  sup- 
porters when  this  flogging  was  taking 
place  behind  his  back." 

All  eyes  turned  upon  LYTTELTON,  lonely 
on  Front  Opposition  Bench.  In  the  last 
Parliament  there  was  much  talk  of 
alleged  flogging  of  the  heathen  Chinee. 


'ThU  flogging  was  taking  place  behind 
Mr.  Lyttelton's  back." 

(Mr.  M-ck-rn-ss.) 


•THIS  WAY  TO  OUR 
NEW  HEBRIDEAN 
DEPARTMENT 

FOR 

TRANSPARENT 


PARTY 

SUPPLIED  ON  THF 

i  SHORTEST  NOTICE 


Elgin  and  Churchill  (togetlier).  "  FASHIONS  FORWARD  !  " 

"They  at  the  Colonial  Office  could  congratulate  themselves  on  being  an  exceedingly 
fashionable  Department  (laughter)." — Mr.  W-nst-n  Ch-rch-11. 


LYTTELTON  vicariously  suffered.  But 
that  he  himself  had  been  flogged  "  behind 
his  back  "  was  an  assertion  as  painful 
as  it  was  precise.  Yet  here  it  was 
categorically  made  by  the  son  of  a 
Bishop,  a  relationship  compared  with 
which,  as  a  mark  of  respectability, 
driving  your  own  gig  is  nothing. 

Members,  now  thoroughly  awake, 
awaited  explanation.  MACKARNESS  could 
not  have  withheld  it.  Unfortunately  at 
this  juncture  SPEAKER  interfered.  Said 
he  really  couldn't  see  what  all  this  luid 
to  do  with  the  Bill  before  the  House. 
MACKAKNKSS,  warned  off,  turned  to  another 
branch  of  the  forest-like  subject,  leaving 
House  in  state  of  pained  perplexity. 

Business  done. — Consolidated  Fund 
Bill  read  a  second  time. 

Tuesday  nirjht. — Long  time  since  a 
speech  in  House  of  Commons  created 
such  sensation  as  that  which  BONAR  LAW 
didn't  make  this  afternoon.  LLOYD- 
GEORGE  brought  in  Patents  Bill  under 
Ten  Minutes'  Rule.  It  is  called  the 
Ten  Minutes'  Rule  because  the  Standing 
Order  establishing  it  says  nothing  about 
ten  minutes.  Sole  direction  is  that  a 
Minister  in  charge  of  a  Bill  shall  make 
brief  explanation  of  its  provisions,  and 
that  debate  be  limited  to  equally  short 
speech  from  one  Member  opposing  it. 


PRESIDENT  OF  BOARD  OF  TRADE  explained 
that  measure  was  introduced  in  interests 
of  the  poor  inventor  oppressed  by  opera- 
tion of  privileges  conceded  to  foreigners. 
Opposition  instantly  spied  the  beard 
of  Protection  under  Free  Trade  Minister's 
muffler.  Ironically  cheered  his  admis- 
sion of  consequences  following  on  per- 
mission to  foreigner  to  roam  at  large 
tlirough  the  pastures  of  the  British 
inventor. 

BONAR  LAW  quick  to  see  and  seize 
opportunity.  As  soon  as  LbOTD-QuMKHS 
sat  down  he  was  up  from  Bench  on 
other  side  of  Table.  Crowded  audience 
drew  itself  together  in  expectation  of 
rattling  speech.  But  Members  have  to 
get  up  very  early  in  the  morning  if  they 
hope  to  catch  the  SPEAKER  napping. 

"  Does  the  lion.  Member  rise  to  oppose 
the  Bill?"  he  queried. 

"  No,  Sir,"  said  BONAR  LAW,  hanging 
his  head  to  hide  a  blush. 

"  Then  he  is  not  permitted  to  speak 
under  this  Rule.  The  Question  is  that 
the  Bill  be  now  re-ad  a  first  time."  And 
read  a  first  time  it  was. 

The  most  eloquent  speech  I  ever 
heard  was  that  which  our  dear  JOHN 
TENXIEL  did  not  deliver  on  the  occasion 
of  the  Farewell  Dinner  given  to  him, 
when  he,  so  to  speak,  laid  down  the 


OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MM:  :,    87,    ! 


Meanwhile  peranptorUj 

lannel  \\ 


,  v  .  I  hud  a  firt!-rl>i»»  night,  thank  yon." 

I  P'.v  tin- ili(Ti-ri-nce!" 

(Mr.  Ali*-«  (1-ph-«  M-rt-n  wi«be«  lo  have  thinl-claaa  alecping  core  to  Scotlaml.) 

shovrl     and     the     ho.r       There     WBM    forth    in    chorus    a    cry    of    "Obj.vt! 


gathered  to  do  him  honour  the  llower 


Obj.i-t  !  "     This  afternoon  C.-H.   s.-ttl.-d 
the   matter  bv  antionncement    that   Co 


iif   the  aristocracy  of    Hritish    intclltvt.    .... 

I'WMT.    ARIIH-U,    then     Prime    Minister,    vernmcnt  will  opp.~c  Hill. 
proposed  his  health  ill  charming  speech.        "To  lin«l  Channel    I  unnel  Bill  again 
J  T  rose  to  reply,  ami  after  a  minute  of !  on  Orders  reminds  one  of  old   1. 
route  struggling'with   memories  of  ex-  says  the  MKMHKH  KOII  SMIK.     "Aouarter 
oellrat  sentence*  framed   in   his  Ktndio,    of  a  century  ago  sturdy  EDWARD  \\.MKIV 
eat  down  amid  tumultuous  applause,          had  it  in  charge.     If  anyone  mnld   have 
M    to     that     memorable     triumph    shoved   it   through,  he   was  the  man   to 
cones  Boxi*  I.\«'-  a.-hi.-i.-ini-nt.      <>f  do  it.    Boored  eon-pn-uous  initial  roe 
debalen  on  Front  <  >|.|«~ition  Heneh  he  «•*»  in  winning  Mr.  ('•.  over  to  Ins  ude, 
rtamln  «T..nd.     «h,ly  one  rxo^U  liim  That,  as    Iln.i.v    I  >VKK   said    \vitli   Other 
„,  f,,r  umcntand    lurid   *\»-> -<-h.    a|.l>li.-:ilion.    'was    .,'oin-    to     the   tOO   of 

He  kn<>«  rt  llii-  ()ii.-li..n  of  1'n.l.vtioti  in  the  lr.-«'  and  catch  ins  a  very  big  tisli. 
all  it*  bmrinK-  Here  WM  opportunity  Mr.  C.  was  Premier  at  the  tone,  captain 
of  Hf.ftiv,-lv  twilling'  a  Fr.-e  Tr.i-h-  of  a  lnwl  that  I  nominally )  made  him 
Gomnment,  showing  how,  to  serve  arl)it<-r  of  everythin-;  in  the  Commons 

,!«•    rn.ls,    they    are    ready    to    Kiive    tin-    c-as,-    of     Mr.     BUUJCACOH. 
take  refuge   in    I 'mint  ion.      And    lien-   eourwo    he   didn't    wu|i|«irt    the    Hill 


the    Im-ines 

\vi.i.  WMMS-.  In-i  pereooal  friends 

uill    remellllH'l 

inciiiK  |ilini-.-s  when    his   palh  «as 
,-p-- -d.       What    lie  .-a i.l  al  <mt  til- 
ilent  of   tin'  lUird  of  Trade   may  not  !«• 
i      :\  in-    ..Ml    adjective^ 

and    s lion  1    you   of    a 

lillli-   j.lau.  (.arlieular-.  of  «hieh    1, 
:iniiiic.ili-'l     I"     me.       In     the     ,  v.-nl     of 
the  Tumi.  1   Works   \x-\n^  permanently 
stoj.|M'd,  he.  woiiM    liuild   on    the 
the    Hiiti-h    end    a    pillar  of   .-.lone   lofty 

inh   to  li  •  .-.--n  l>v  >liips  that  | 
ill,.   ,l.,y.      II-     :;l -<!•   1   OMT   the  circiim- 
tliat   i:i    tine  weather   Kninre   al.-i 
mi.«ht  look  on.     <  >n   its   fmnt    lie  would 
:a  I..1I  l.'llers  an  inscrip- 
tion m-ordiiiK  how  the  work^  had    \*t~n 
I    l.y    the    Heir    Apparent     t-i    the 

Tlinille,  til''  1'lMMI.  MlM-IMI.  the  SlT.MvKII 
i  if  the  II  'i-.-  .if  ('omiii.'ii-.  I'n-r-  and 
Comii  i.irc.  and  how,  when  the 

d.  the 
Leliclicenl   woil.  ppeil   li>   J 

( 'ii\Miu.i;i.Ms  of  Birmingham.'   Th. 

WVIMN  maiia^i'd  to  convey  in  intonation 
of  1><  v  .1.  i.coin- 

miinicalile. 

•'  He  would    have  IMVII   as  •;, .  .d    as  hi> 
word  I  nit  fort  he  circumstance  I  hat  shortly 
afterward-.  Mr.  C.  liroii^'ht   in   his  Home 
Itule  Hill,  in  op|K i->it ion  to  which  W  MKIN 
found  himself  in  unison  with    Iv.s 
1'atriotic     fervour    oliliteratinl     memory 
of    private-    \\  ron^.       And    here    is     (lie 
Channel  Tunnel  to  the  fore  a^ain  '  under 
entirely  new    management.'  as  th- 
when    a    oimmercial     Im.-ine.-s    ci 
hands.     Hut   when-  are  the  snou 
the  men    of  ye>teryear ''.  " 

l;,i  -lnfn.1  ilouf.    li  t    through 

day    and    ni^'lit    for  L'7    hours    s., 
minutes. 


the  KPKAKEK  with  the  Inn  of  si!- 
Aim  for  him  «ho  new  »ing«, 

Dot  din  nilh  all  hi*  raunir  in  him. 
ttiuinttt    dim.-        I'atentx     Hill    and 

It  l.md  Hill  intnxl- 

Thu  •  ncl  Tunnel  Hill 

Inn  prominent  pln<  "f  private 

mearam     awaiting    second    reading. 
Ckxnea  up  in  on  I  i  nary  mann 
ing  of  .rdin«  i"  Standing 

Order  .    '"•    tai. 

private    Hill    m-iy    forthwith    poiw   thin 
stage.    A  solitary  objection  bar 

remitting  it  to  nn  evening  sitting. 
Clerk     at     Tab). 

cranes 
upon  Char  I  Hill,  there  breaks 


in 

Mmi-terial     rapacity.        I'Aercisinir 
privilege   of    Private    Memlx-r,  he   made 

penaasiTe  speeches  in  favour  of  ]>rojc-ct 

and    went    into    Division    I/ibby    in    its 

rapport 

-otibly     who    knows?     that     (ir 
CtinwUincc  may  have  added    I 

op|Hf.ilinii.  However  it  lie.  lie 
Mi.t<-he-l  the  tiling.  I''.I-»MM>  \V.\lkls 
in  it  tin-  sort  of  man  to  !»•  mnlent  with 
lalkin:.'  al.  :nc-  he  had  at 

Hill  was  IH-UIK   .  1 
Westmin-t.  r   In-  was   workin; 

, dually    burr 

lineal 

'  •   '  \p|«<inted 

•rncnUd  <'  to  inquire  into 


\li  no  likoc  (>|.'umi 
—  in 
Mr.  T.  C . 


MARCH  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


231 


OUT    AND     OUTER. 

BY    FlUNK    WlIISKKHSON. 


Miiiiildi/  n'ujht's 


i  II  ilh 


THE  worst,  thing  about  the  Tnuv  tria 
is  the  ell'cct  it,  will  have  on  (lie  reputa 
t  inn  of  one  of  our  leading  humorists. 

I  in.  '.in  Mr.  JEIIDME  that  was. 

For  years  anil  years  the  only  Mr, 
.IUMMI:  has  been  this  one  the  author  ol 
Tln-i-f  \\'i»tifii.  icilliout  ii  Viiti".  and  other 
bright  and  brainy  works. 

I  was,  indeed,  mice  so  much  impressed 
liy  the  success  of  .Mr.  .1  KlioMK  K.  .h:i;o\ii 
and  his  "  I  lome-Sweet-l  Ionic  "  kind  ol 
name,  that  I  thought  of  calling  niysdl 

WlllSKKKSoN     F.    WniSKKIBON    tO    SCO    llOW 

the  ]iulilic  would  like  it. 

Hut  1  did  not  .... 

And  now,  since  the  trial  of  that  bright 
l»y  THAW  II.  THAW,  when  anyone  says 
Mr.  JEROME  it  means  the  American 
lawyer. 

Which  is  bad  bearing  .... 
o  e  o  o 

If  the  Suffragettes  go  on  like  this  the 
name  of  JOHN  BULL  is  to  be  changed  to 
JAM;  Cow. 

o  e  a  & 

The  secret  of  running  a  humorous 
column  with  regularity  is  to  keep  on 
having  the  same  bright  ideas. 

All  that  one  has  to  do  is  to  remember 
that  the  British  reader  likes  to  have 
jokes  repeated,  and  then  one  can  wade 
in  with  perfect  security. 

If  you  want  to  annoy  the  famous 
author  GEORGE  STREET  you  should  ad- 
dress him  as 

GEO.  ST.,  ESQ. 

I  have  used  this  bright  joke  three  times 
in  print  already,  and  it  always  comes  off. 

Which  is  good  hearing  —  for  para- 
graphists  ;  whatever  it  may  be  for  the 
reader. 

a  o  a  a 

I  have  been  spending  a  lot  of  time 
lately  in  the  National  Portrait  Gallery, 
st  inlying  the  face  fittings  of  the  illus- 
trious dead. 

It,  was  a  sad  task. 

The  trouble  with  old  man  SHAKSPEARE 
was  that  he  had  nothing  on  his  head 
and  everything  on  his  chin.  Old  man 
MAITIII:\V  AKMH.I.'S  mutton-chop  RicimtD- 
BON8  gave  me  influenza. 

Hut  this  is  a  painful  topic.  Let  us 
think  about  ra/.ors  and  be  bright  again. 
a  o  a  a 

Some  people1  arc  impossible  to  offend. 

Although  I  do  my  best. 

The  other  day  I  wrote  a  bright 
paragraph  about  old  man  ASIIION,  the 
specialist  in  deadists,  saying  that  what 
\\ewaiited  to  know  was  not  when  Ann 
was  born,  but  where  he  would  be  buried, 
and  when. 


Cook.  "Now  WE'VE  'AD  WORDS,  YOU'LL   nr.   I.OOKIN'   FOR   ANOTHER  COOK  TO   KEEP  COJIPANT 
WITH?"  Policeman.  "Nor  ME.     I'LL  STARVE  FIRST!" 


That,  you  would  think,  was  offensive 
enough  for  anyone. 

But  old  man  ASHTON  is  imperturb, 
as  those  bright  youths  PHIL  KAY  and 
Cap.  GRA  would  say,  and  this  is  what,  he 
wrote  in.  reply  : — 

"  Mr.  WHISKERSOX,  then,  does  not,  seem  to  be 
•uvare  that  I  have  already  stated  that  my 
iltimnte  resting-place  will  most  probably  be  in 
Kunsal  Green  Cemetery  (unless  they  care  to 
mry  me  in  Westminster  Abbey  or  St.  Paul's). 
As  to  when  my  eml  will  come,  I  am,  of  course, 
unable  to  say,  but  it  may  possibly  lie  later  than 
sooner,  as  I  am  blessed  with  a  pretty  tough 
constitution,  and  have  not  had  occasion  to 
spend  a  day  in  lied  through  illness  for  just 
twenty-nine  years." 

That  letter  almost  made  me  blush. 
Not  quite,  of  course. 


This  on  the  hoardings  : 

SUCHARD  CHOCOLATE. 

But  it 's  really  quite  soft,  as  old  man 
SIMS,  King  of  the  Punsters  and  Emperor 
of  Moss-persuaders,  would  say. 

o  e  o  o 

You  will  have  all  these  bright  para- 
graphs again  some  dav.     Which  is,  &c. 

F.  \V. 


THE  LORD  CHANCELLOR  said  the  other 
day  that  Home  Rule  was  as  "  sure  as  the 
rising  of  the  sun."  We  think  it  only 
fair  to  point  out  to  Mr.  RED.MOM»  that 
the  sun  doesn't  really  rise — it 's  only  the 
earth  that  turns  round,  and  we  trust 
there  is  to  be  no  alteration  in  this 
arrangement. 


I  -' 


ITNCH,  on  TUK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


;Muini  L'7.    I       . 


THE 


OF 


CONVERSION 
AMERICA. 

BOUNDLESS  Ml  Ml 

III    F*H  IUUT  SCHKMK. 

(From  Our  OMTI  Corrrtpnn.1 

; 

THE  GatrUr  of    i  puhlishea 

prominently  a  repor 

gift  of  unpnviedeiititl  in 

U-  nude   liy  tin-  (':  :  itali-t 

III    I  in    lli.-    i  f    llic 

spread  of  mornliiy.     Thin  fatuous  pliit.v- 
erU.  who  liven  in  a  modest  manner  in 
a  suburli  nf   Peking.  .mi.i-s.il   hi*  huge 
fortune -the   income   from    which 
recently  officially  pboed  nt  -ix  millions 
—by  establishing,   with    shrewd 
;  •  :  _  •   •  •     ii     nil          •       lunbl 

monopolirM.  chi.-tK      a-  with   all  pliilan- 
thropMU    who    mean    first    t»    U-   rich 

I  the  dreams  of  avario-  ii'Miii-ctcd 
with  commodities  of  daily  lift-.  mvesaaiy, 
above  all,  to  the  pour. 

HM  struggle*  t<>  obtain  wealth,  are, 
however  behind  him.  The  |x>int  now 
is  that  with  npntie  imagination,  and 
the  courage  tli.it  !«•!•. n--  .d.-n.-  t..  the 
visionary.  Ill  Fur  Tiv  ha*  set  apart  a 
sum  i-.|u.il  to  ten  millions  sterling  to  he 
apph.-d  i<>  tin-  Rpiritn.il  regeneration  of 
America.  In  Hi  Fu.i  TIN'S  own  words. 
the  grunt  is  offer.-»l  for  the  establishment 
of  non-aertarian  schools  in  America  which 
shall  "lift  the  Amen.. m-  to  the  plane  of 
the  Chinese  people.  a-  a  preliminary 
effort  to  convert  America  throughout." 
The  eyes  of  the  civili/ed  world  will 
naturally  be  on  so  interesting  an  experi- 
ment, and  all  who  have  I--,  n  reading 
the  papers  of  Lit.-naisi  wish  Hi  Fut  Ti\ 
every  snooeH  in  a  project  of  which  the 
I>  >»AI;KR  F.MPRE88  is  said  to  approve. 


TWO    ONE-MAN    SHOWS. 

IT  savs  little  for  the  Uwte  of  twenty 
Tears  ago  that  Thr  /.',-•/  I  jump  •houd 
hare  then  had  a  certain  measure  of 

cceaa.  It  must  always  have  Uvn 
Htupid  and  oWure  and  tran*|iniitme. 
and  now  it  is  al*>  aniiou.it. -d  Some- 
thing might  have  Uvn  mad.-  of  the 
Third  Act.  but  I.  for  one,  took  so  little 
interest  in  the  conspirator*  that  I  did 
not  care  two  pence  whether  they  were 
blown  to  bit*  or  not.  It  wo*  impossible 
to  feel  any  concern  aU.ni  the  fate  of  the 
throaty  hero.  Print*  Alrsi*  \'n- 
Mr.  livii.  <in  i  -hoiiM  never  be  allowed 

••*  with  a 

lik.-  th.it      Mr.  T«EE  had   th. 
<O  •«•  |  art  worth   pl.nin/ 

f   /''in/   /  .<r   the    Secret 

Serrie*—  the  kind  of   •  ,  hara.  i.  r  part " 
in   which    he   ends.      Fortunately    he 
*••  n«Hir  alwavK  on  the  f 
the  rest  Miss    •  I>:H  aa    / 


made  the  moat  delightful  eyes  up  in  the 

It   i.i   h.inl    to  understand   why   Mr. 

TtEE  revived   this   tiling       I    think   it 

must   have  been   because   there  uas   a 

(treat  <  -y  at  another  theatre,  ami 

tii-  themes  are  always  x>  infix-tiou-. 

In  'I'll,-  1'iin  />i/'-/.-.  a  fan-ie.d  "episode" 

..•!.. !•!.•!  I  '  ioin»N  IJOQIDX, 

\\lio     :  :ieh,    Mr.    TllKK    U.i- 

liu-kier  -till,  and  had  practically  nil  the 
talking  there  was.  Mr.  WKIXOX  CtBos- 
SMIIII  fully  appreciated  the  meaning  of 

"  li-t.  net'-  Inn-."  and  \\.is  an  a"liiiir- 
al'le  r.-cipi.-nt  of  the  nn-.t  proiracted 
culilidi  ti.  •  -  I  don't  kllou  how  \\ell  he 
would  h.ne  playe«l  if  the  two  parts  hail 
!  :  Init  Mr.  TIIK.K  could 


Mr  TlEE  (a*  Arthur  JUair-WolJiiigham)  to 
Mr.  THEE  (nt  I'aid  Drmelnu*).  "  Well,  I  mav 
be  a  pretty  good  Actor,  but  you're  a  superb 
Manager.  We  're  the  only  ones  that  hare  had 
a  chance  all  the  evening." 

never    have    endured    with    any    nun 
fort  the  M-lf-repivsMon  of  Mr. GROSSMI  ill's. 
As   it   was,  he    was    really   admiraMe ; 
hut   il    m-eincd.  on  the  first   ni>-lit.  that 
the    fun    would    !*•    likely    to    di 
little     when     the    H.i-n-1     once     Uvaine 
pul>li<-  i-mperty.       1  am    told   that   it    is 
agailixt    the  rules   to  kivp   the  audience 
out   of  tin-   -.,  ivt     I   am   not.  of  , 

MR  to  Mr.  ALEXANDER'S  >. 

hut  inn-  is  always  pleased  to  see  any  of 
these  stulry  conventions  ignored,  and',  in 
thklOM*,  the  I, reach  of  rule  went  far  to 

Tbe"episode"  i-..pen  i.,two(-riti 

—one  verv  ol)\i,.us.    T)|(.  Imr^lars  ini^ht 
•  well   have  w.dkiil   str.iiKht    in  ,n 

!      all      the     dial'i^ne 

Hut  tin-  Mine  kind  of  tiling  mi^ht 
be  said   of   m.  !),,„     , 

'    the    lir.iina    .  ip]M,rl 

'•      •  •  ••••.::•..-  u.  i. 


thrown  like  artificial    hunki-nt  acrues  the 
natural    c.  ui-e    of    tine    love    or 

'.'     A   worx1  fault   was  the   name 
of    the    play.        It     assigned    too    much 
UnpOftaBCQ    to  a    trivial    point,  and,    1>\ 
the  expect.  ilion   it   exriti-d.  only  i-mpha- 
sised   tlie   thinness  of   the    final    tal.li-.iu 
Like  tin-   picture   it-elf,  it   did   not 
off,  hut  was  left  hanxiiiK'-  '  '    8 


OUR    TITLED    INVENTORS. 

Is  the  "  Sicial  and    l'er--"nal  "  n'lumn 
of  Tin-  Daily  Chronicle  ol  la-t  \Vedm-- 
day    an    inti-re-tiiii.'  account    i-  L:IV.'|I    of 
the  e|Ki<-h-niakini,'   invention  of   bird  1-1. 
Ifo-.    which    w  •    at    tlie    Irish 

Industrie-  Sale.  This  ini^cnioii-  nolile- 
man.  who  in  a  cle\cr  car|«-nter.  has 

I   an   instrument    known    ;i- 
:  3,  made  like  lirmd  wnnlen  pt 
which  are  intended  to  anniln 
as    lie    meanders    on    the    window  pane. 
liK|uiiies  conducted   liy  a  trusted   r.-|  ire- 
sentative  reveal  the  interesting  fact    that 
this   inventive  talent    is   not    eniitined    to 
I/ml    |ii:    IJo-.    luil    is   shared    liy   many 
other  deni/ens  of  the  I  |i]ier  <  'hamlicr. 

l/ird  I'oliisvioi  in,  who  desoicM  his 
hard  i-anidl  leisure  to  mechanics,  has 
invente<|  a  singularly  complete  and 
effet-tive  machine  for  killing  tlies.  j,'lia|s, 
and  mo-c|iiitoes  when  at  rest  lm  the 
ceiling.  Manv  ;  iii-l  have  often 

realise*!  the  need  of  such  a  il.-vii-e  in 
lofty  rooms,  when-  tl. 

,t  of  the  reach  of  anyone  hut  a 
Russian  fjiant.  To  me>-t  this  crying 
need  I»rd  I'ulM-vi.ii  in  lia-  devisetl  an 
ipparatus  re-i-mlilinir  the  instrument 
used  by  paviors,  which  is  placed  in  an 
inverted  position  on  the  top  of  a  ladder 
and  worked  l>y  a  small  ^as-cn^ine.  A 

net  is  slun^  In-low  (o  receive  the  operator 

if,  as  sometimes  happens  in  (lie  I 
the  chase,  lie  should  In-.-  liis  halance  anil 
fall  from  the  ladder.  The  Portsmouth 
Fly-Walloper  also  includes  a  complete 
whitewashing  outllt  to  obliterate  the 
-laiiis  caii-.-il  liv  the  amiihilat  ioll  of  the 
insects.  The  apparatus  is  jiortalilc.  ami 
is  so  ingeniously  eniisiriicted  that  il  will 
lit  into  a  ^mxl-si/.i-d  cmch  house.  Care 
must  IK-  taken,  however,  not  to  apply 
iinne«-e.s*;iry  force,  or  the  head  of  the 
FIy-\\"allo|«-r  may  IM-  driven  through 
lin^.  A  special  repairing  mitlit, 
including  laths,  hno-concrete  Mucks. 

and  cork  lino  tabloids,  is  |'rovided  to 
mi-et  this  emcr^i-ncy. 

|-'ew    ex|ierienci-s  are  iimre  distressing 
to  a  pt>rson   of  relincd    tastes   than   that 
l>int;  on   the  Hour   in  pursuit   of  a 
missing  shirt  stud.      To  cop!-  with   this 
distressing    oonlmi/ency     l>ird    T\SKIII- 
.diination    of   a 

s.-archliKlit  with  a  powerful  magnet  liy 
which  mis-ing  jewc-llery  can  !»•  delected 
and  ].  irked  up  without  stooping.  In  the 

I'Mlltl'd      IM      ill.  -II! 


MARCH  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


TWO    OF    THEM  ! 

Rustle.  "  WELL,  Miss,  I  BE  FAIR  MAZED  wi'  THE  WATS  o'  THAT  'EBE  FIBIIERMAN— TIUT  I  BE  ! " 

Paraon't  DaiujlUer.  "\ViiY  is  THAT,  CARVER?" 

Rustic.  '•  THE  OWD  FOOL  HAS  BEEN  SITTIN'  THERE  FUR  THE  LAST  six  nooRs  AND  HASN'T  CACGIIT  NOTHIN'." 

/'arson's  Daughter.  "How  i>o  YOU  KNOW  THAT?" 

Hustic.  "I'VE  BEEN  A-WATCHIN'  o'  UK  THE  WHOLE  TIME!" 


or  lumbago  the  relief  afforded  by  the 
Tankerville  Stud-picker  is  quite  incal- 
culable, and  it  is  an  open  secret  that 
the  Royal  Society  intend  to  bestow  the 
I'npley  Medal  on  the  inventor  for  his 
humane  and  beneficent  discovery. 

The  Kurl  of  ROSSLYX,  who  has  long 
boon  known  as  a  singularly  versatile 
and  accomplished  nobleman,  has  recently 
taken  out  a  patent  for  his  cerebral 
shoe-horn.  This  ingenious  apparatus 
is  devised  to  enable  persons  suffering 
from  cranial  distension  to  put  on  their 
hats  without  injury  to  their  headwear. 
The  cerebral  shoe-horn  is  sold  in  different 
sixes  and  at,  varying  prices.  The  "  HALL 
('AIM:"  model,  with  long  tortoiseshell 
silver-mounted  handle,  is  a  really  elegant 
adjunct  to  the  equipment  of  a  dressing- 
room,  and  costs  six  guineas,  but  some 
of  the  cheaper  patterns  can  be  had  for 
as  little  as  £1  11s.  6d. 


Nothing  causes  greater  distress  in  a 

well-ordered  household  than  theexplosive 

overflow  of    an   ill  -  regulated   syphon. 

To  guard  against  such  disasters  Lord 

LYTTON,    long     known    as    an    earnest 

student  of  hydrodynamics,  has  put  on 

j  the  market  an  entirely  original  syphon 

;  splash-guard  of  his  own  invention.    The 

1  apparatus  consists  of  three  parts  :  (1)  a 

'  celluloid   funnel   which   is   attached   to 

the  nozzle  of  the  syphon ;  (2)  a  suit  of 

waterproof  overalls  which  are  worn  by 

the   operator ;    (3)   a  small    waterproof 

j  bell-tent   which   completely   covers   the 

table  on  which  the  syphon  stands. 


TheWceMy  Diapatch  on  the  "  Giant  C'ossurk :  " 
"  M.  KUDINOFF,  who  is  nearly  6ft.  high,  is  one 
of»the  most  magnificent  specimens  of  manhood 
I  have  ever  seen.  His  measurements  are  : — • 
Chest,  44J  inches;  Waist,  44  inches;  Length 
of  arm,  34  inches  ;  Length  of  leg,  33  inches." 


HEROES  v.  SHEROES. 

[The  following  letters  have  been  unavoidably 
crowded  out  from  a  discussion  proceeding  in  a 
contemporary.] 

"  Ay  OLD  TRAVELLER  "  writes :  —  "  You 
ask  who  is  the  braver,  Man  or  Woman. 
I  answer,  Woman.  Only  last  week 
1  saw  a  small,  fragile  woman  calmly  give 
a  cabman  his  legal  fare.  For  a  moment. 
the  simple  heroism  of  the  action  took 
away  my  breath  .  .  .  ." 

"ONE  OF  EVE'S  DAUGHTERS"  writes: — 
"  Man  is  undoubtedly  the  braver.  I  once 
knew  one  who  would  go  out  wearing  the 
same  suit  that  he  had  worn  a  year 
before." 

"  A  MERE  MAX  "  writes  : — "  Only  one 
answer  is  possible — Woman.  No  man 
would  voluntarily  stay  in  a  house  during 
spring  cleaning."  , 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


M*i,  n    LT     I '.HI;. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 


!'  IM  \I\V\        I     hhoul'l 

;...........-          -        ,lol|x    li,        '.v  ii-        .-        |          |   1       .     . 

journalistic  sense.     A  fragment,  though,   it   truly   is 
—  a  piece  of  a  story  cut  out  from  hi".-      1  <  •.-•  Mr 

GAUWOKTBT  addressing  his  readers  in  this  «.. 

..  :.'  .  i  •-.;•..'  .       id.  .1       :.     I 

UMSe    Pnulyre    people    habitually    think    and    talk    and    act 
I  have  analysed   minutely   the   hrains   and      win-re   l! 
present— the  souls  of  these  men  ami   women,  ami   1   have 
ventured  more  particularly  to  draw   your  attention  t..  thr.-- 
persons  in  the  group— namely.  Mr  '•  •,./..,.-..  his  w  ife. 

and   The  !.'  !lu*tfll   /fcii-f.-r.       In   order,   h.. \M-\-T.   !•• 

make    their    i-liaracters    still 
more    clear  to   you,  I   shall 
take  an   imaginary  no- 
ithall    suppose  .     will 

allow  me)  that  the  PdMVew' 
eldest  son  George  lias  fallen 
in  love  with  the  beautiful  wife 
of  a  reprobate  ncighUiur  .  .  . 
II.  then.  I, -i 

us  now  observe   what    taken 
oboe."    Perhaps  this  is  why 
I  cannot  take  much  in- 
in   (iroryr,  and   fail  altogether 
to  realise  the   U-annfnl   wife. 
But    Mr.    and     Mr*.    1'fnilyrt 
and     Mr.     H>nirr    an-     three 
amazingly  drawn  p.^-|  !•-.  who 
live  in  every  line  of  the  book. 
If  there  are  any  <t>ni|*-tiiions 
going  on  for  the  "  t 
of  the  year,"  the  "  U*t-<lrawn 
character  in  m. >l.ru   In  • 
the  "  biggest  dear  in  fiction," 
or   "  the  coming  novelist  " 
my   votes    unhesitatingly    go 
to    The    >;,,,,,tr,i    H«u*r,    Mr. 
Itarter,     Mm.    I'fnJyee,    and 
Mr.  JOHN  ( i  UNWORTHY.     I>ifi. 


1  is  worth  the  attention  of  all  concerned  in  the 
old  familiar  prohlem. 

H  of  the 

'    the   r<-\  i.  -.1.  i        I-  falls 
I   of   Mr.   T..M   ( iu  i  .\'-   pr.-> 

work,  nnd  it  may  help  him  to  U-  told  -|y  a-  candour 

will  j>eniiit.      It  i.  just  .  'le  that  a  rich  young  liachelor 

mii;ht    IK-   idiotic  enough,  OUl    of  pity  for  a   poverty-stricken 
girl,  to  allow   In -r  -ecdy  and   d;-Mpated   re!  (n-nd    his 

money   and    live    in    his    hoi.  .    holiday. 

Itnt  it  is  ridicnlou  .\heii  he  is  trying  to  run 

away  with    In-  m;,|e 

friends  of  \i'\-.  own  could  all  ->-t  on  hoard    his   yacht  and 

there  for  two  or  three  .lav-  unlx-knownsi  to  him  ami  to 

other.      And.  a.  if  that  \\ere  not  snllieiently  .silly.  Mr.  <i\i.|ji\. 

having  wr.-ckcd  the  yacht  and 

1  led  his  lirniii"' 

into  .1  single  Imit  w  illioiil  one 
of  the  crew.  ]  land 

them   on  what    they    U-lieve  to 
Ix-  a  desert  island  in  unknown 
and     leases    them    there 
for  days  and  days   lief  ore  the\ 
di--  '\.-r    that     il     is    n-ally     a 
|M-niiisiila  on  llii-  co.i-t   o|    he 
land  '        \.-.      Mr      i  I  M  i 
won't    do.      '|,,u    must    make 
Ix-lieM-  IN-HI-I-  than  thi- 
waul  to  make  n>  I 


r  l.i'fore  in  the 
modern  history  of  Ireland  has 
the  outlook,  political,  indus- 
trial and  social,  been  an 
favourable  as  at  the  present 
moment  for  a  strenuous  effort 
for  her  regeneration."  Thus 

I'tNKvu.v   on   the   situation.      By  way   of  conlriluiting 
to  it*  settlement   In-   pn>..|ii«,  in  The  Omtloek    l»r  /»v/.ni</ 
iMtUUT).    Honn-    ihoiiKhlful     |..i|H-rs     foiimle<l     on    p. 
Study  of   a  question   that    for   more   than    a    hiindn-d 
has  baffled  statesmen  and  someti  m.  .  Mim-n,.        I 

•  •accession  of  chap-  t.-ll,  the  .^,r.lid  story  . 

tr  i  ;.   rshti  •-  -  i-  twi  en  Kngland  uiid  i    aquered  Ireland  :  di 

•  •  -  i  i  •  j*«          i .  •  .  *  •  . 


BUM  KP    II'.    I-.-F.     I>.U!T()   flTS 


Cuhrn.   "  Dr.RK-   NOW   DEY  WAS 

»••!•  HUE  A  OLOVE!" 

t'orknry  Von/A.   "  Yl'H,    BIT   IH-X'T   ViT   THINK   THFT   ARE   RATHER  TIGHT 
OIDBI  THE   ARH«?" 


I  am   not   partial   to  ||,. 
that     the     uieiliin-re     s.ui|     in 
lial.itm-      my     plain     middle 
(NH|V    «ill    at    my   death 
(lit     to     some    other     human 
tenement.      The  new  lo.i. 
miK'ht  well  U'  mor.'   U-antiful 
than     the     present,     and     the 
r  would  doiilitl.-ss  a.lapt 
itself  to  its  fresh  environment 
and    Ix-mmc    oirres|  ......  lin.nly 

lieantifnl  ami  snjH-rior.  I'.nt 
would  it  lx>  .Me?  It  inijjht 
even  lie  a  woman,  and  tli.'ii 
I  should  lose  my  vote  and 
have  to  li.i,'ht  with  li.-a-ts  ;i| 
And  anyhow  a 


scribes  the  diflieulli.s,  that 
Purchase  Act;  calalogiM- 

forth  }:•  in<l  lind- 

•ii  ami  tlr 

gowrimient.  which 
Ministenal  Bill   will 
liiiid  r  :••    than    the   a 

community   in    the   world. 


it 


ihe  working  of  lh. 
,  Imaneial  l.urdei, 
far  all  her  illx  in  the  spirit 
i.  .volution.      U-aling  with 
nndentood  the  forthcoming 
. 

tration  of  .my  ci\  ih/ed 
I'nder    it    i 

absolute  waste  and  miaapp 
extraragance  that  arises  from  money  n.  in  tin- 

best  direction  or  the  wiaait  way.     Tin-  l«..k  iiiaki-Hop|>,rtiini- 


m-xt     world    |.,-,iple.l    liy    

posito    ]i holographs   .).- 
appeal    to  me.      Si  that    1    am 
not    a    lit    and     pr 
I'preciate  the  virtues  dj.i-. .x.-red    liy  other  critics   in    '/'//•• 
>-ii»i./.'»v-/  >V/v.i;n.«  !   on  a  Ix-lii-f  in   the 

transmigration  theory.    Th.  wep-  the  -oul,  ,,t 

KinMtOH    Ikinil,  //.  landowner,  and   lsnln-1  /'.(/•;-.//.  his  v 

.11.      Sunder. M|  through  all  the  pi.  .\   met  in 

the  Hesh  in  lli.  L ili~lic  day-,  only   to  he  Minder.-.!  once 

more  when  /*.,/„  /  -uliered  death  hy  liiirnin^.      Ande\en  when 
n«  from  her  ashes,  although  /»,/,-„/,  (/  knew 
tliat    he  -.'  |    ,/„•/    in  li 

him  as   h.-r  former   lover.      Tln-i.  l\-  for  yon! 

K«»»l  writing  I   lind   in   Mr.  K    l-'uium's  IK. Ik.  hut'  lor  me 
-•  — '•  hy  my  inahili-  ,  t  the  main  \\-.- 


•M  some  \-erses  in  Tin- 

"TV  -  I!  ',  run,  ami  tin-  eani- 

'I'1"1  '    led    at    tin'    p.  .st.       We 

iy  had  anything  on  it. 


APRIL  3,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


235 


CHARIVARIA. 

Wu  are  glad  to  see  that  France  has 
not  lost  her  sense  of  humour.  As  justi- 
tieation  for  the  neriipation  of  Moroccan 
territory  by  her  troops  u  German  pn cr- 
dcnt  is  quoted.  

Those  who  hold  that  l!us>ia  never 
earner  out  her  promises  are  looking 
rather  foolish  to-day.  The  evacuation 
of  Manchuria  was  completed  last  week. 

"Yes,  she's  a  nice  boat,"  said  the 
British  Middy  patronisingly,  on  being 
shown  the  pride  of  a  certain  foreign 
Naw  by  one  of  her  officers.  "  We  have 
several  like  her  as  tenders  to  The 
Dreadnought."  

Paris  seems  determined  to  forfeit  her 
title  to  be  railed  "The  Cay  City."  For 
some  time  past  she  has  been  going 
earlier  and  earlier  to  bed,  and  now  it 
has*  been  decided  that  the  Morgue  ia  no 
longer  to  be  a  public  spectacle. 

The  pleasure  of  at  length  having 
taximeter  cabs  in  our  streets  has  been 
considerably  discounted  for  many  of  us 
by  the  simultaneous  appearance  in  the 
press  of  the  word  "  taxicab." 

By  the  by,  with  a  view  to  determining 
what  type  of  building  is  best  calculated 
to  resist  an  earthquake,  a  com- 
mission will,  we  hear,  shortly  leave 
Jamaica  for  London  to  examine  the 
houses  which  are  still  standing  on 
motor-bus  routes. 


It  is  rumoured  that  the  new  L.C.C. 
intends  to  look  facts  boldly  in  the  face, 
and  to  convert  the  vacant  building  site 
in  the  Strand  into  a  public  park  by 
planting  a  few  shrubs  there.  To  judge 
by  the  way  the  notice  boards  have 
taken  root,  they  should  thrive. 


By  his  invention  of  the  Gyroscope,  a 
contrivance  for  steadying  ships,  Dr. 
SOHLICK  makes  a  bold  bid  for  the  title 
"  Master  of  the  Rolls." 


The  fact  that  a  testator  who  died 
recently  expressed  in  his  will  his  "  devout 
and  earnest  hope"  that  his  daughters 
would  not  marry  clergymen  has  not 
unnaturally  caused  a  great  deal  of  pain 
in  certain  quarters,  and  we  have  very 
great  pleasure  in  stating  that  some  of 
the  most  steady  men  we  have  met  have 
been  in  holy  orders. 

With  reference  to  the  report  published 
in  our  newspapers  last  week  to  the  effect 
that  a  messenger-boy,  upon  handing  to 
its  owner  a  purse  containing  six  pounds 
which  he  had  found,  received  a  modest 
"Thank  you,"  a  German  millionaire 


Vicar.  "  WHAT  A  TERBIBLE  THUNDERSTORM  WE  HAD  YESTEBDAT,  Mns.  BEFOGS  !    LUCKY  NO  ONE 
WAS  HUBT." 

Mrs.  Brigga.   "YES,   Sin,   I  THINK   HEVEBY   ONE   ODGHT   TO   KEEP   OUT  OF  THE  WAY  OF  A 

THUNDERSTORM.      Il  *8  AJ.L  VERY  WELL  NOT  TO   BE  AFBAIU   OF  ORDINARY   THINGS;     BDT  TO    SAY    YEE 
NUT  AFRAID   OK   THUNDER — I  CALL  THAT  BOISTEROUS." 


writes  to  us  to  say  that  in  his  country 
the  courteous  words  would  be  a  matter 
of  course,  and  would  not  call  for 
comment.  

Something  akin  to  a  state  of  panic  is 
said  now  to  prevail  among  literary  men, 
and  hundreds  are  reported  to  be 
hurriedly  leaving  the  country  in  conse- 
quence of  a  suggestion  thrown  out  by  a 
lecturer  at  the  Playgoers'  Club  that  our 
actresses  should  marry  authors  instead 
of  actors. 

A  book  bearing  the  attractive  title 
Sin,  by  the  Eev.  II.  V.  8.  ECK,  has  just 
made  its  appearance,  and  Father  BERNARD 
VACGHAN  is  said  to  consider  this  an 


unwarrantable  interference  with  vested 
interests.  

It  is  said  that  Exeter  Hall  is  to  be 
demolished.  If  so,  its  name  is  prfe- 
phetic.  Exit  a  HalL 

The  visit  of  the  Russian  Tars  to 
London  was  a  great  success.  They 
were  particularly  impressed  by  the  fact 
that  among  the  sights  for  them  to  see 
we  should  have  gone  to  the  trouble  of 
including  a  typical  London  fog. 

A  number  of  Roumanians  have  fled 
into  Russia  for  peace  and  security.  This 
looks  as  if  the  state  of  Roumania  must 
be  even  worse  than  is  imagined. 


PUNCH,  OR  Tin-:  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


:.\rniL  3,  1907. 


THE    CRY    OF    AN    EVICTED    GHOST. 

Mr  ancient  home,  farewell  !    The  die  it  cast. 

Soon  will  rude  labour  curt  away  your  stones  ; 
Your  tik*  have  cone  ;  your  beams  are  going  fast  ; 
And  I  must  qua  the  refuge  of  my  pest, 
Also  my  DOOM. 

There  is  no  room  but  has  it*  private  tics  ; 

No  corner  but  is  hallowed  by  a  host 
Of  mem'ries,  humorous  and  otherwise  — 
Twos  here  that  I  (to  my  intense  surprise) 
one  a  Ghost 

Tliis  i.-  the  landing  where  I  first  "  uppearod," 

And  first  beheld  the  hunum  hair  erect  ; 
(It  looks  extremely  like  u  tnrned-up  bcurd, 
Which,  with  a  hat  on,  has  a  very  weird 
And  odd  effect). 

Much  time  has  passed  since  that  momentous  day, 

And  many  a  mortal  tenant  come  and  gone  ; 
We  got  on  very  well,  I  'in  proud  to  sav, 
Once  they  had  grown  accustomed  to  the  way 
I  carried  on. 

Strangers  would  be  a  little  r.h\  ,  no  doubt, 

But  there  especially  I  did  no  harm  ; 
Indeed,  my  healthy  action  on  the  stout, 
On  victims  to  lumbago  or  the  gout, 

Worked  like  a  charm. 

With  such  it  was  my  duty  and  delight 

To  meet  them  at  the  bottom  of  the  stairs  ; 
And  one  and  all,  at  that  inspiring  eight. 
Have  squattered  off  a  record  up  that  flight, 
Lepping  like  hares. 

And  this  old  room,  where  often  I  retired 

For  solitude  ;  it  was  a  striking  fact 
That  all  young  ardent  couples  were  inspired 
With  the  same  brilliant  notion  —  which  required 
Much  ghostly  tart. 

I  had  a  plan  both  delicate  and  new  :  — 

When  it  was  clear  that  someone  had  to  go, 
Stealing  up  silently  behind  the  two, 
I  sportively  materialised,  and  blew  ! 
And  added,  "  Boh  "  ! 

And  yon  dim  nook  ;—  oh,  EMMA,  ghostly  fair!  — 
Twos  here  I  wooed  her  !     To  my  bitter  hurt 
She  spurned  me  for  a  romclier  !    And  where 
She  's  got  to  now  I  neither  know  nor  care  ; 
Gassy  old  flirt  ! 

Those  were  far  days  !    And  you  have  long  been  old, 

And  mortal  tenants  flock  to  you  no  more  ; 
They  want  strange  innovations  now,  I  'm  told  ; 
Bathrooms  (good  gracious  !)  —  water,  hot  and  cold  ! 
(Lord  knows  what  for  !) 

Tin  long  since  last  I  heard  the  tradesmen  call  ; 
Long  since  I  beard  your  rusty  door-bell  ring  ; 
Kut  1  stayed  on.    My  social  needs  were  small  ; 
My  peace  was  very  great,  and  after  all 
Quiet  's  the  thing. 


I  must  leave  you,  hallowed  spot, 
As  from  the  sinking  vessel  flics  the  rat  ; 
Men  claim  your  "eligible  building  plot" 
Fur  piles  of  flats  !    And  frankly  I  do  not 
Fancy  a  flat  ! 


F.irewell !     I  have  no  heart  to  stay  in  Town. 
1  kiiuw  a  pi.  hi  Haunted  Mill 

Where  walk*  nry  friend,  tl 

i;o  and  settle  down 
With  Ilmiv  HII.I.  !  DcM-Pr... 


THE    WRIGHT    METHOD    OF    BIOGRAPHY. 


successfully  bi  •  his  monumental  Qlnatntad 

Life  cf   the    Lite  W.M.I;  Mr.    Tin  'Mis    Wnx;iii 

we    are    informed,  m>w   returned    to    the  c  .....  iplctimi    of    his 
biographical   iniijninn   <>im.«.  I  hinc'in  nntl  In*   l-'rirnil*.      Hero 
for  the  firM  time  a  flood  of  light  will  1  ••  thrown  mi  the  : 
Victorian  philosopher  and  naturali.M's  inner  life,  which  will, 
as  ill  the  case  of  !'•  inexorably  illn.-trated    l.y  a   pro- 

fusion   of    magnificent   and    poignantly   appropriate    ]  •'. 

hundreds  in  ininilwr. 

Of  these  the  most  important  and  significant  are  the  follow- 
ing:— 

(1)  Figure-head  of  the  llrmjle,  in  which  DARWIV  made  his 
celebrated  voyage  to  South  A 

(2)  Ik-laying  -  pin   from    the    /«.;;/..    kindly    lent    l.y    the 
grandson  of  the  purser  who  sailed  mi  the  \o\ai;e  iu  ,p.  Minn. 

(3)  Photograph  of  the   1  !•>  breaking  up  a   . 

(4)  Portrait   of   the   Headma-tcr  of   F.ton   CM:  .-.illi 
Mr.  WHICH  r. 

(5)  Portraits  of  Mr.  Sn.is  K.  HIM  KIM:,  Miss  MM  i 

and    Mr.    MoRLEY    ItOBERTS,    illustrating    IhiiwiVs     notorious 
fondness  for  novels. 

(C)  Facsimile  (life-size)  of  early  Victorian  bull's-eyes,  to 
illustrate  DARWIN'S  extraordinary  partiality  as  a  boy  fm- 
sweetmeats. 

(7)  Pen-drawing  of  DARWIN'S  dust-bin,  with  Mr.  Wi:i«;m 
in  the  foreground. 

(8)  P'acsimile  of  one  of  DARWIN'S  washing  bills,  now  in  the 
possession  of  the  biographer. 

(9)  Facsimile  of  a  letter  from  DARWIN  declining  an  honorary 
degree  from  the  University  of  Speonk,  N.V. 

(10)  Daguerreotype  portrait  of  the  hairdresser  who  used 
to  cut  the  hair  of  the  great  philosopher. 

(11)  Daguerreotype  portraits  of  five  other  hairdressers  who 
never  cut  DARWIN'S  hair. 

(12)  Photograph  of  the  stocks  at  Down  (Kent),  with  Mr. 
WRIGHT  in  the  foreground. 

(13)  Photograph  of  Down  Street  Station  on  the 
King  s  Cross  Tuoe  Hallway. 

(14)  Photograph  of  DARWIN'S  family  lx>ut  tr 

(15)  Pen  drawing  of  two  lumps  of  sugar  which 
refused  to  have  put  in  a  cup  of  tea  while  paying  an  after- 
noon visit  on  Mrs.  BEGTHWAYT,  a  neighbour  of  his  in  Kent. 

(1C)  Water-colour  sketch  of  a  rocking-horse  belonging  to 
the  grand-niece  of  DARWIN'S  groom,  ANDREW  BOAKES. 

(17)  Enlarged  photograph  of  an  earthworm  recently  dis- 
covered at  Down  by  Mr.  Wnn.iir. 

(18)  Photograph  (reduced)  of  a  carpet  bag  belonging  to 
JONAS  WORNUM,  a  schoolmate  of  DARWIN'S,  who  subsequently 
made  a  fortune  as  a  hardware  manufacturer. 

(19)  Collotype  portraits  of  time  friends  of  I'vnwiN  of  whom 
no  one  has  ever  heard. 

(20)  Three-colour  print    of  a   toboggan   run    at    Montana 

ml  ',  representing  "  The  u." 

(21j  Pen  drawing  of  '    formerly  In-long- 

ing to  DARWIN,  now  in  the  possession  of  his  biographer. 

(22)  Portrait  of   Mr  MS,  the  famous  amateur 

golfer,  as  he  appeared  when  inti  U-  Mr.  Wniciri  «n 

the  sii  Dg  links. 

23)   I  ;  !i  of  Wright's  I<nn.  _;ton. 

family    mi     n,,iving    tho 
IS   intelligence  that   Mr.  Wliicirr  was  determined  to 
undertake  the  biography  of  their  illustrious  .. 


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APRIL  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


239 


Wife  (to  lier  husland,  seated  at  tlie  edge  of  the  cli/).  "  MY  DEAR,  DO  BE  CAREFCL.    You  MIGHT  BLOW  OVER  ! " 

THE    REVIVAL    OF    LEARNING. 

(Dedicated  to  aU  Universities  tchom  it  may  concern.) 


SMITH  took  an  excellent  First, 

BROWN  took  a  sort  of  a  Third, 
And  liis  Viva  was  one  of  the  worst 

The  examiners  ever  had  heard. 
The  tutors  agreed  that  while  SMITH  would  proceed 

To  greatness  with  perfect  security 
A  person  like  BROWN  need  not  aim  at  renown, 

He  was  bound  to  sink  down 

To  obscurity. 

But  now-a-duys  who  cares  a  pin 

For  the  chance  of  a  flukey  exam., 
What  class  two-and-twenty  may  win 

On  the  banks  of  the  Isis  or  Cam  ? 
BROWN  knew  only  fools  judge  a  man  by  his  schools  : 

We  go  by  a  higher  reality  ; 
We  're  pleased  if  we  know  he  is  able  to  show 

He  has  what  is  called  0- 

riginality. 

So  BROWN  flew  away  from  the  High, 

In  Bloomslmry  safely  he  perched, 
And  daily,  till  dinner  was  nigh, 

In  the  British  Museum  researched. 
He  waded  through  screeds  of  what  nobody  reads, 

Through  chronicles  dead  as  the  dodo, 
Then  he  published  a  tract  called  "  An  Unobserved  Act 

Throwing  light  on  the  Pact 

With  Duke  ODO." 


The  thesis  included  a  swarm  'v' 

Of  new  and  original  "  quotes," 
Of  statements  in  tabular  form 

And  bibliographical  notes. 
BROWN  at  once  got  a  chair,  as  you  're  doubtless  aware ; 

His  treatise  is  set  in  Otago, 
In  Texas  they  con  every  word  of  this  don, 

And  they  quote  him  from  Bonn 

To  Chicago. 

Now  what  of  the  tutors  ?    Of  course, 

SMITH  may  have  the  soul  of  a  muse, 
And  he  also  may  lecture  with  force 

When  he  takes  to  expressing  his  views  ; 
But  who  would  desire  nowadavs  to  enquire 

If  a  teacher  can  teach  ?    What  one  sees  is — 
That  his  claims  are  well  backed  by  some  "  Unobserved  Act" ; 

And  there 's  proof  of  the  fact 

In  a  thesis. 

Be  warned,  then,  in  time,  undergrade, 

And  do  not,  like  SMITH,  fondly  cling 
To  that  worst  of  all  PLATO'S  vile  fads — 

"  I  know  that  I  don't  know  a  thing." 
If  you  aim  at  renown  take  example  by  BROWN 

(That  way  lies  success,  never  doubt  it !) ; 
Cock-snre  is  his  pose  on  the  subject  he  chose, 

And  he  knows  that  he  knows 

All  about  it. 


240 


PUNCH,  OR  Tin:  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Aroit  3,  1907. 


LITTLE    SHOWS    FOR    LARGE    WINDOWS. 


' 

Tm  idea  came  to  me  only  the  other  day,  quite  suddunly. 
•nd  I  recognised  at  once  that  it  was  an  inspiration.  I  am 
rather  apt  to  have  this  impression  on  the  rare  occasions 
when  an  idea  don  aeite  me— but  generally,  after  the  HIM 
flush  has  (aded.  I  make  the  mortifying  discovery  that  the 
influence  I  had  taken  for  inspiration  was  in  ren! 
—ore  than  a  sort  of  psychic  draught. 

This  time,  however,  it  was  different.     Kvery  instant  found 
mo  more,  instead  of  less,  assured  th.it  I  hail  i, 
myself.     JJy  idea  nmlly  waa  a  gooil  one ;  and  it  was  quite 
practicable.      It  ,  nly  needed  t,,  I*,  laid  before  some 
prising  Cnj-itali-t.  and   ho  would  be  certain  to  take  it  up; 
his  instinct  would  toll  him  there  waa  money  in  it -he  might 
~~-en  let  me  hare  some  infinitesimal  share  of  the  proi 

And  then  I  reflected.     Was  I  justified   in  preferring  the 
advantage  of  any   individual  to  that  of  the  communitv  ;it 
Urge?     Would  it  not  be  a  nobler,  grander  thing  to  place 
my  suggestion  at  the  sen-ice  of  all  who  eared  to  avail  them 
selves  of  it  •' 

In  tliat  case  could  I  find  a  more  effectual  means  of  doing 
ao  than  by  communicating  my  proposed  scheme  through  the 

«— Bof  Mr.  I',, 

ind  you,  I  have  n,.  wish  to  seem  too  superhiimnnly  un- 
arlfifth.  I  will  not  deny  that  I  might  not  have  Invn  capable 
of  this  altruism  had  1  not  felt  fairly  confident  that  it  might 
">  the  long  run  work  out  in  the  best  way  for  niv  own 
interests.  u  that,  by  the  time  I  have  finished  this 

series,  I  believe  it  will  IK-  realised  by  those  chiefly  concerned 
that  they  cannot  avail  themselves  of  my  notion  without 
enlisting  my  assistance. 

law i  quit.-  preiiiml  to  give  it-- for  a  consideration— but 
naturally  1  mid  only  undertake  the  more  important  and 
lucrative  commissions.  For  the  rest  I  have  no  doubt  other 
writers  will  !*•  found  very  nearly  ns  competent  as  myself. 

I  trust  they  will  I*  grateful  toot  for  this  recommendation 
There  u  room  for  all  of 

It  M  now  perhaps  time  for  me  to  explain  my  idea  : 

I  got  it   in  passing  the  windows  of  a  leading  firm  of 
f  you  are  at  all  observant  you  must   have 
noticed  a  recent  development  in  the  method  adopted  by  some 
of  these  establishments  in  displaying  their  goods.     They  no 

I  '  i  -. i  " 


___  t  -•    I   •".'  '"r*     11"  •»     MIAJUB.         j  lll'V  JKi 

appeal  to  the  Passer-by  with    a  chaotic  array    of 
incongruous  cliairs.  occasional  tables,  rolls  of  stair-carpet 
and  aamples  of  walj-paper.    All  that  is  out  of  date.    Now' 
their  many  shop-windows  lias  become  a  charming 
r.  completely  furnished  en  suite.  and  every  article  in 
ch  typical  room  bears  a  placard  of  it  g  sale  price  thereby 
•nabhng  an  intending  householder  to  calculate  with  unerring 
accuracy  the  trifling  outlay  for  which  he  can  obtain  a  truly 
' 
Nothing  could  be  more  real.  h  cosy  room  has  a 

P!??S3lii  f"Tpbce>  wilh  n  r™1""0"  electric  bull,  glowing 
cheerfully  under  property  coals  in  the  patent  grate;  there 
windows.  through  which  you  get  a  glimpse  of 
•  prettily,  painted  garden,  and.  after  dark,  those  aparUnenU 
am  CBBCUrcly  illuminated  by  acreened  light*. 

Jih<2.ght'  th*f*  T10*1  to  **  ""n^ing  wanting. 
borate  Stage-set*  without  a  touch  of  human  intend 
a  smart  pariour-maid  to  dust  the  furniture  and 

far<j*Un«-«  •*«•  parlour  -maid  who 

• 


-ma     wo 

•    .        ......          .       . 

cnaracter,  then,  liave  a  certain  nathetie   fntilliv 

••'•.....'.•• 

..,  \Vhy  shouldn't  they  ha  re 

By  utilising  them  for  the  presentation  of  episodes  from 


real  life,  (!„•  Vnblie  would  :it  01  ken  keener 

,:re,  and   l>e  more  impressed    with   the 

•_;es  cf  dealing  with  the  particular  finn   that  pr.-luced 

•itertainn  • 

It  would  lie  a  simple  in. ill. -r  t..  adapt  these  interiors  for 
Stage  purposes;  all  they  |.  |iun- 

drop  <-urt.iiu  in  each  shop  window,  to  become 
a  miniature  St.  .laincs's  c>r  llayinarket  at  01. 

Hut  almiit  the  dnimas.  uld   "f  cmirse  hav?  some 

bearing  on  tin' liii>ines.s  i. f  die  linn  that  produces  them.  At 
the  «amc  time  they  should  lie  what  is  called  "heart  to  heart  " 
plays,  so  ns  to  strike  home  t>  •  the  sympathii  s  of  t 

.illicully      Imt   there   is  another.       Kven    the 
illiant  and   incisive  dialogue  could   hardly  penetrate  :i 
thick  plate-glass   front   window.     Si   that  tin-    plays  would 
have  to  be  performed  in  pantomiK  -iiimli  show 

has  this  great  advantage  the  audience  are  s-j  an-d  the 
infliction  of  epigruns. 

As  to  the  dramatis  pertonce,  it  will  perhaps  IK-  found  more 
satisfactory  to  engage  professionals,  though  the  parts  might 
of  course  be  undertakes  l>y  such  I. idles  and  gentlemen  on  the 
staff  of  the  estal.lishinent  as  could  l»e  spared  from  their 

ordinary  <1> 

I  should  advertise  the  pcrfonnaii>  •!  limes 

during  the  day— and  here  I  foresee  the  olij.vtioii  that  the 
thoroughfare  would  be  obstructed  l.y  the  crowds  that  would 
inevitably  collect  to  see  them. 

There  is  very  little  iu  that.  No  more  than  a  double  row 
of  spectators  could  possibly  see  the  show  at  a  time,  and  this 
double  row  would  simply  form  a  qii»-in'  along  the  pavement, 
precisely  as  they  do  already,  with  the  assistance  of  the  police. 
outside  the  doors  of  theatres  and  mu.-ic  halls. 

As  I  see  my  idea— and  as  I  hope  to  show  later  on — it 
need  not  necessarily  be  confined  to  upholstering  purposes. 
However,  my  first  example  will  be  on  those  lines.  This  is 
only  fair,  because  it  was  an  upholsterer's  window  that 
furnished  me  with  the  inspiration. 

This  is  the  preliminary  announcement : — 

On ,  the  1st  of  April,  and  every  day  till  further  notice, 

MESSBS.  FERNIE,  TUER  &  CO. 

(You  will  observe  that  the  name  of  this  firm  is  a  ftetttiout  one, 
and  I  confess  that  I  hate  adopted  it  on  the  principle  of  the 
lettering  above  the  shops  in  a  Jlarlcqu'nuiJt:  lint  t/ou  see,  if 
I  took  a  REAL  name,  people  might  say — tccll,  you  know  vlint 
you  vould  toy  yourself.) 

1'i.i  -i  -,  i 

A  Specially  Engaged  Company  in 

A  wordless  Play  of  Strong  Domestic  Interest, 

In  three  windows,  c-ntiil.  d 

11KU   XKW    Hi»MK. 

NOTICE.— Curtain  rises  on  the  first  window  punctually 
every  hour  from  1  to  7  p.u. ;  the  audience  is  i*>l  it  eh  requested 
to  be  in  their  places  on  the  pavement  in  good  t;  .  the 

commencement. 

Carriages  at  a  quarter  past. 

week  (unless,  of  course,  the  Kditor  declines  to  stand 
it  and  he  may)  I  propose  to  give  you  this  little  drama  in 
full.  When — or  if— it  appears  in  print,  and  business  people 
see  all  ita  possibilities,  I  shall  lx>  very  much  surprised  if  I 
do  not  hear  from  some  of  them. 

My  terms  may  be  had  on  application.  F.  A. 

John  OUyde's  "Honour";  or,  Great  Days  on  the  Links. 
Faoil  the  Fashion  Column  in  Tin-  UVrtrnt  Jtiiily  I 'rest:— 
"Ad  mnbrelU  I  ««w  yc«U>riUy  had  *  K  :,,  l.undl,.,  or  the 

rtruman!  Msd  i  .  1-1  ih,. 

tall  out  of  •  nnd  bunker,  the  steel   lieing  more   effcctiTe   than   the 
;    • 


APRIL  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


241 


THE    TRIUMPH    OF    FATHER    BERNARD    VAUGHAN. 


LECTURES,  WE  HEAR,  ARE  TAKING  THE  PLACE  OF  BRIDGE.      THE  DUCHESS  OF  LITTLESLAMTON  ANNOUNCES  A  SERIES  ON  "AET  IN  THE 
HOME,"  WHILE  THE  COMMITTEE  OF  THE  "TRuupEiia"  HAVE  TABOOED  THE  CARD-TABLES  AND  ENGAGED  PROFESSORS  TO  INSTRUCT  MEMBERS  i» 

TART-SINGING,  THE   ELEMENTS   OF  FREE-HAND  DRAWING,  ETO. 


3    WILL    DE    ALMOST    ENTIRELY    ABANDONED.        TlIE    RACING    SET    ARE    ORGAXISINO    A    SERIES    OF    EXCURSIONS    TO    EPPIKG    AND    TUB 
KKIGHBOURIIOOD,   WHEN  THE   STUDIES  OF  BOTANY  AND   ENTOMOLOGY  WILL   BE   STRENUOUSLY  PURSUED. 


ITNCH.   UK   THK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


iAi-uu.  o.  H*i7. 


THE     M/EN  ADS. 

A  I'IIIM\II'-  FBAOMEXT. 

Baxt-n»  IMM-  W*»  o/  <fe  U<*ue  */ 

in  -jrvttpf  eonrtrttng. 
Fir*  Member.  Tis  said  the  Suffragette*  intend  today 

\.    .         '  '•"•''', 

.  our  Chamber.     1  he  poluv, 
.     .     -  ••:-.:     :. 

••<"  ':•  <••"• 
And  yet  nrtkuugin  M  we  passed, 

ving  their  task  was  heu  Ml 

The  slaps  and  scratches  of  outrageous 
And  their  hearts  turn  to  water  as  Uwy  wait. 
Second  Member.  Heaven  give  them  strength  to  do  their  duty 

For  if  they  fail  us  we  arc  }<• 
Hut,  lo,  who  comes?    What  dreadful  i  this? 

[A   Member   rushes    into  the  Lobby  with  all  the  usual 
,ymi<om*  of  intane  terror,    lie  seeks  refuge  tnA  tht 
ilhn 
The  Terrified  Member.  Save  me,  oh  save  me  !  They  are  close 

behind. 

I  hear  their  footsteps ;  they  are  after  me. 
Oh  let  me  hide  myself  behind  your  backs. 
Fir*  Member.  Compose  yourself.    You  are  in  safety  here. 

.-,  come,  what  ails  you  ?    Let  us  have  your  tale. 
The  T.  M.  eomaoses  himself  ami  t.-H*  hi*  *tory: 
I. nncli  was  over,  and  1  ffll 

Fast  asleep — I  wish  I  hadn't, 
For  my  dreams  were  U-rriMe, 

Dreams  that  tore  me,  dreams  that  maddened. 
Henceforth  to  my  dying  day 
I  can  never  more  be  gay. 

Silently  my  arm-chair  turned 

k     'twas  painted  scarlet — 
IVil.-lul  fires  al><  >ut  mo  burned, 
And  a  voke  I  heard  afar  let 
H>  this  courage-crushing  cry : — 
t«s  t  -r  Women !     He  must  die !  " 

ly  did  I  try  to  win 
Shelter,  while  1  more  or  less  sparred 

At  the  women  who  came  in, 
Mrs.  LAWBKSCK,  Mrs.  DEBPABO, 

And  the  raging  VAXKHUMT  two, 

With  their  pettkxnted  crew. 

Swift  they  bound  me  on  the  rack, 
Stretched  my  limbs  and  tore  my  muscle, 

Dislocated  all  my  back : 
Never  was  there  such  a  tussle. 

Then  they  added  to  my  fears 

By  the  way  they  sliced  my  ears. 

-iiw,"  they  cried,  "  speak  up  and  say, 
Since  your  heart  on  women  dotes, 

will  speak  for  us  to-day 
And  affirm  our  r  ••«. 

If  you  don't  we  msan  t. 

All  that's  left  of  v 

Then  I  woke  and  hurried  out, 

While  they  followed  in  a  rough  mg», 
All  the  dream-shapes,  with  a  shout 

Calling  loud  for  Won.- 
I  can  hear  the  PAXKIR-BST  pair 
.thing  fiercely  up  the  n.iir. 
•'Ms  down  in  convulsion*,  and  ii  carried  an 
by  the  ^rrjrnnt-'it-Armi.     The  ncene  dotes  in  gloom. 


The 


BARRACK-ROOM    BALLADS. 

(A  DIAI/-.IK  OK  TO-MORBOW.) 

tegnf  !  the    Tun,- fid  Tenth.      The 

,n:-li   rill-illation,  hat  at  laft  nuiile  n/> 

jtll  r  imj'tnti  thai  I  I;:-,,,,,,-  a  n  '.nnir/i  of 

the  military  etemeulum,  and  an  inspection  is  to  be  held 
thi*  r< •<•>!  lii-rnimi.  Scattered  about  the  room  are  UWTTWTi 
anxiously  practising  chest-notes.  Others  hare  relir 

,..irt,  to  study  that  handy  little  brochure,  "  fr>ngs 
/••Major-General,"  without  which  at 
lime  no  soldier  nn 


•,    Smith   (meditatireti,     Hi     re     mi      fa!      Do— IB- 
mi  !      Do     re     mi     fa     *•!     IA     •-' 

•'.'iinrii.  In  good  voic*'  to-day,  SMITITT? 

A  trifle  roopy,  1  fear,  Iliu-tts.      And  you? 
it-ii.  A  little  weak'  ill  the  upper  re^i-t.-r.      1  wish 
inspection  was  o\er,  and  that  '.-.  a  fact. 

I'l-icnte  ^mitli.  Same  here.    He '•  •>  tenor,  M  the  Cojonei,  if 

anvil  -    wrouj;.       Had  me  on  the  carpet  la-t  time,  and 

walked  into  me  somethini,'  horrid.  Said  if  1  couldn't  take  a 
high  0  better  than  that,  1  'd  hettcr  chuck  tin)  army  and  go 

1  comedy. 

I'rirate  Brotcn.    (lave    me    cells  did,    1-'   .'.-     I 

missed  a  1*  at  in  my  dui"t  with  Sergeant  Nii.iuiv 

•te  Walker  (continuiiuj  an  at  ~  to  me. 

•  ||,-re.  \.iu."  he  K.IVS,  "what  do  you  think  you're  d<.ing,I 
wonder?  Sounds  like  a  man  without  a  roof  to  his  m«uth 
calling  Hrusst-ls-sprouts  in  a  Whitechapel  slum.  You  ain't 
out  with  your  barrow  now,"  ho  says.  S>  next  time 

J'l-irale  Wel^i-'i:  Who's  this  Moke  who's  inspecting  us 
to-day,  anyhow  ?  CBUSOE,  or  something. 

Prwat*  Smith.  CABUSO  they  called  him.  A  very  decent 
singer,  so  I  'ear,  though  not  an  Army  man. 

I'rirate.  Broirn.  Wonderful  how  these  civilians  pick  it  up 
nowadays.  Do — re — mi !  Do — re — ! 

/Vini/c  Webster.  It's  thi88tomach-lireathin«  what  does  me. 
"  Don't  breathe  with  your  chest,  my  man,"  says  the  Moke. 
"  lUimey,"  I  says  to  him,  "what  do  you  take  me  for?  A 
iM.nndiug  acrobat?" 

Private  Wilkinnon.  HAYDFJJ  COFFIN  and  I— 
Private  W'alker.  Well,  of  course,  I  couldn't  say  anything  at 
the  time,  him  being  a  Colonel  and  what  Dot,  bat  what  I'd  have 
liked  to  have  said  was  that  1  'd  forgotten  more  al» mt  teiii/n  'Ii 
waltz  than  he'd  ever  learned.    I  should  have  liked  to  have 
said  to  him,  "Colonel  DE  REZSKE,  you  fancy  you  know  a  lot 
about  voice  production,  I  don't  think.     You  ain't  fit  to  be 
'confused  noise  without'  in  a  music-hall  sketch." 
Private  Smith.  Si     ,l<>!     Do!     I>o!     l-> 
Private  Broum.  What  I  say  is,  I  wish  they  M  let  us  choose 
our  own  songs.    Stands  to  reason  a  chap  k  nous  what  .-uit> 
his  own  voice.    You  've  'enrd  me  sing  "  Whnt  ho!    Whnt  h»! . 
What  ho!!!"    Well,  I  don't  want  to  seem  to  boast,  but  a  mai 
once  told  me  it  beat  anything  HAHKY  RANDALL  could  have 
done.    But  turn  me  out  into  a  parade-ground,  and  ask  me  to 

give  >•"!  "  WIA'./).'*  l-'iircwell" 

Private  Smith.  Do! 

'<j    Wilkinson.    People    who    have    heard    me    and 
KESXERJ XT  Rt  M  KOH t > 

Prii-'ite  Smi//i.   Ah-ah-ah  ah  ah  ah  ah  all-All  ! 

•;i  (suddenly).   ( 'i  'II  it;  thee  saw-ongs 

;  iby 

I'nriite  Webster.  And  the  worst  of  it  ia  you  can't  hear  \<  -nr 
self  speak  in  here  nownda\s.     I'scd  to  l>e  a  time  when 
lint  now.  what  with  blokps  doinp  their  scales,  and   othc 

Mokes  letting  off  n;  and  other  hlokes 

»,ith.  Ah-All  ' 

'A'i-h   they  'd  k't  me  c\. 

[Scene  doses 


APRIL  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


243 


THEEE    ARE    MORE    WAYS    OF    KILLING    A    DOG    THAN    BY    HANGING. 

"AKE  you  HURT,  OLD  CHAP?" 

"No.    BUT  I  THINK  I'VE  SWALLOWED  A  CIGAR." 


THE  CHOICE  OF  A  SUBURB. 

SCIENTIFIC  movers  who  usually  com- 
pare Suburbs  by  multiplying  the  death 
rate  by  cost  of  season  ticket  are  enthu- 
siastic over  ;i  small  Guide  published  by 
the  G.  N.  R.— Where  to  Live.  For  this 
treatise  introduces  them  to  districts 
where  a  death-rate  of  any  kind  is  practi- 
cally unknown.  Thus,  in  Hornsey  the 
Registrar  keeps  no  books,  but  relies 
absolutely  upon  his  memory — and  a 
little  notched  stick  which  lies  on  his 
office  desk.  In  Harringay  all  residents 
who  succeed  in  dying  are  entitled  to  a 
bonus. 

Yet  many  well-known  features  of  our 
Northern  Suburbs  are  omitted  in  this 
otherwise  admirable  Guide.  We  find 
no  reference  to  Hollo  way's  splendid 
sunsets,  nor  to  the  sylvan  beauties  of 
Islington,  with  its  quaint  High  Street, 
so  much  frequented  by  artists.  Not  a 
word  about  the  many  Funicular  Rail- 
ways, by  which  all  the  snow-clad 


Northern  Heights  are  now  ascended  in 
safety. 

Nor  is  the  subject  of  climate  dealt 
with  satisfactorily.  Intending  residents 
always  want  to  know  what  rainfall  they 
may  expect,  and  whether  the  Suburb 
can  boast  of  a  monsoon.  If  not,  why 
not  ?  The  freezing-point  in  each  district 
should  also  be  stated.  For  after  all  it 
is  climate  which  is  so  popular  with 
Suburbanites  at  the  present  day.  A 
slight  reference  to  the  soft  air  and 
perpetual  sunshine  of  Mildmay  Park 
might  have  emptied  bracing  Poplar  of 
half  its  inhabitants.  A  paragraph  dealing 
with  the  absence  of  malaria  in  Crouch 
End  would  liave  done  marvels. 

Turning  over  the  pages  we  find  many 
references  to  the  beauties  of  the  New 
River,  but  not  one  to  the  beneficial 
effects  of  its  waters  in  cases  of  rheuma- 
tism. For  though  bathing  is  still  pro- 
hibited, are  not  many  of  the  houses  in 
our  enterprising  Northern  Suburbs 
fitted  with  baths  ?  And  all  with  cisterns  ? 


Nor  does  WJiere  to  Live  speak  of 
the  number  of  inhabitants  per  thousand 
who  travel  without  a  Season  Ticket. 

And  lastly  we  should  have  been  glad 
to  learn  something  of  the  natives  of 
these  grim  Northern  Heights.  These 
wild,  untamed  tribes  who  lock  them- 
selves each  night  in  their  mountain 
fastnesses.  And  also  those  men  of  the 
valleys  below — the  sub-tropical  regions 
of  Highbury  and  Canonbury.  Are  they 
still  languorous  and  soft-spoken,  fond 
of  the  afternoon  siesta  and  the  penny 
whiff  ?  Does  the  vendetta  still  flourish 

these  Suburbs   where  no  death-rate 


in 


is  given  ?     We  wonder. 


Odds  Locks  and  Todhunters! 

"  THE  ore  in  the  Bonanza  vein  assays 
all  the  way  from  22,000  oz.  to  39,000  oz. 
to  the  ton,  and  it  is  believed  that  one  of 
the  richest  silver  veins  in  the  world  has 
been  discovered." 

Nottingham  Evening  News. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAK1 


[A»iL  3.  TJ07. 


iiTid    his 


:^r^ 


**- 


N 


^/^' 


GarJaur  "  Gooo  voaxrxa,  VACTEI  OEOKUC.    I  HEIU  TOO  WON-  TBK  100  YARDS  AT  THE 
osw." 

Otoryr.  "TM,  CAtrCT,  UT  l»  TEIT  roo«  TIME— oXtT  12}." 

11  An,  mt  SIFT  TIME  I  ETEI  DIP  me  mmssD  w  wires  I  WAS  A  SOT  WA«  TW 


Oteryf.  "1  urmwt  T*BT  TiMD  TOO  wmi  HI-K-UIAIJI  in  THOM  PATS?" 


THE    OPENING    SEASON. 


(lit  folil*  imitation  oj  many  oHtttmponirir».) 
-1.-  rt   week*-" short"    as 
they  will  appear,  of  the  usual 
they  actually  are— eeparate  us  now 
the  cricket  season  with  all  its  concomi- 
tant delight" ;  but  five  short  weeks  and 

:     -    :  •  :      .    -.  :'.'.  i-    i    .  •.     :    . 

for  five  glorious  mootlis  to  mnk. 
for  the  smaller,  and,  aa  all  will  admit, 
the  more  inapiring  red  leather  one ;  but 
five  abort  wants — leas,  now  that  wo  are 

,;    .     •    1     ..    .        !        !      ••      ,     „  :.-,  ;.    .          ::.  1 

(as  the  ROMS  well  point  out)  the  side 


refusing  to  play  will  lose  the  match  .  .  . 
In  accordance  with  our  usual  custom 
we  shall  now  consider  each  of  the  tirst- 
daas  counties,  and  endeavour  to  place 
before  our  readers  some  idea  of  its  plans 
and  pros)  •  nig  season. 

In  all  cSOOll  our  information  is  oflieial 
and,  wherever  that  is  compatible  with 
cxcluiuveness,  aoehuiive  to  this  pupex. 
To  take  the  counties  iu  their  order, 

KF.NT 

liopo  to  have  a  strong  Hide  in  the  field 

tins  \,    r      'I  i, is  wason  \ 

have  decided  to  dLsc.ir>! 

instead  of  from  strength,  and  they  will 

not  again  make  the  mistake  of  lea  ' 


K.  L.  Mi  MMV..S  ..r  y.-nii^  \V...iiKY   out 
of    th<-    clcv.-n.      llri'iiiv..-.    iii'l.^l,    is 
led   In  :i].p.-.ir   n^ul:irly.  a»'l   will 
d.Mil.l!  as    f:'~t    M  i-vi-r.   white 

i     \\ill    as    u-n;il    phy    tin-    AlK'llcir 

Sin.k.'   f-r    t!i'>  .-i'l<-.     'I'!"1    r'lfit  "f   '''" 
u,ll  l«.  .  r.  aii'l  ('.  II.  li. 

MM:-II\M    uill   ;i«;ii"»    l"'   f"""(1    '"  ''"'"" 
It  ma;  s;ifi'ly  !»•  Kii<l  tlmt  the 
uill    make   rvcry    i-IToii 
'iLiiiipi-.n-liip,   but    it   ifl   n> 
•  ih:it 

VollKSlHRK 

•,.TV  .Ikipi-untotl   :it  l:i»t  year's 
:nnl    int.'ii'l    ID    put    up    a   good 
ti^ht      fi-r    tli-'     iiri'inirr     position     this 
HVWKK    will    !H'    c;i]'t.iin, 
liip    i  '       !l;iv'v     l'u< 

;     thronghool    the 
\V.-  h.tr  on  good  authority 

lh.it  a  ^p<-<-i.il  i-fTort  will  IH>  inaih-  \« 
-.  tli<.  dcf.Mt  inllii-t"!  ""  them 
ar  at  tin-  <>val  by 

SDREEY, 

l>ut  we  liav.'   no  iloultt   tin'    I/'pl    1»M.- 

il     fully    alive     (<•    th-    situation. 

nlshi]-    has   an    unu.-ual!y   ctron^ 
l.ill    back    upun    t! 

;  new  families  having  lately  takm 
up    their    •  b    popular 

suburbs  as  Surbilon,  1'iitney,  ami  Car- 
shall,  m,  th..ut,'h  it  is  doubtful  if  any 
..f  them  will  IK?  call.-d  upon  to  play. 

not  known  what   form  HA\W.\HD  is 
i,,,   !,!)•  that    if   ho 

is  lit  not  even  Surrey  can  afford  to 
leave  him  out. 

LEICESTERSHIRE 

intend  to  make  a  liold  bid  for  the  cham- 
pionship. and  to  that  end  they  have 
induced  Sir  ARTHIK  Ih/.i.i  M\>:<:  to  c.i].iain 
them.  Sir  AIMIII  u  never  actually  obi 

his  blue  at  I  'ambridgp.  thmigh  he  j 

f..r  the  'l',,m  'I'll.--  on  ni'.re  than  one 
occasion;  but  the  commiit.-e  f.-el  that 
what  the  eleven  w;n  than  any- 

thing else  in  Cfjv'it  </••  ciic/ix,  and  there  is 
ibt    that  Sir  Altlllt  It  i-  tin-  man  to 
see  to  that. 

Whether  it  is  true  or  not  that 

DERBYSHIRE, 

with  the  same  end  iu  view,  have  pn  '•  ail<-d 
it.iin  1'uke.  with  a  n,  -idfhti.il 

i|u.ililii-atioii.  to  l.-.id  them  into  the  ti.-ld 
yet  willi  <.  rl.iinty,  and 
read,  is  1o  r.  i-civi- 

lion;  though,  a( 

.  dent  points  out   to  n^,  many 
gone  to  bleep  in  the 
.11  a  hoi  day  In-fore  no\v. 
Tin-  remainder  dl  the  counties,  ana  the 

I,  will   I*'  ta-.ited   in  our  next 
ntimU-r  ;  while  the  articles  tin.  the  Smth 
•:rt,    which    have    IM^II    appearing 
.i.lumns  for  the  last  few  months, 
will  be  repeated   at  intervak  until  the 
beginning  of  the  season. 


ta 
o 


c 
o 

X 


pi 
O 

tc 
o 

I 

PH 


O 

w 


>  111 

•<C     OS  3 

o  ^ 


« 

o 


w 

H^H 
O2 

w 
m 


APRIL  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVABI. 


247 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

FAiiiA<  11.!'  iK"M  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

IIfin.ii'  nf  I'oiiiHitiiis.  Monday  M<irch  :.'.">. 
— The  Mother  of  Purliainente  is  going 
froiii  bad  In  worse.  At  her  time  of  life 
might  reasonably  c\|.cct  to  fiud  her 
demure,  decOfOUS.  In-tead  of  which 
she  sits  quietly  by  whilst  His  .\Iajr-i\V 
Ministers  go  about  the  country  doing 
worse  than  shilling  ducks.  Only  the 
other  day  the  Leader  of  the  Opposition 
felt  it  his  duty,  not  to  say  bin  privilege, 
to  charge  them  with  being  "party  to 
a  criminal  legislative  conspiracy,'1 
perpetrators  of  "a  deliberate  and  in- 
tentional fraud  upon  the  British  elec- 
torate." To-day 
they  are  openly 
accused  of  'mis- 
a  |>  p  rop  r  ia  t  i  ng 
£293,221  of  public 
money."  What  are 
a  few  ducks  hero 
and  there  compared 
with  that  ? 

Apart  from  the 
gravity  of  the 
charge,  and  the 
colossal  proportions 
of  the  plunder,  the 
indictment  has  a 
personal  interest. 
It  is  put  forward  in 
form  of  question 
standing  in  name 
of  Mr.  BOWLES.  The 
Member  for  LA  M  BETH 
is  a  smart  young 
man.  Brought  up 
to  the  sea  under  the 
personal  supervi- 
sion of  that  eminent 
salt  his  father, 
sometime  Member 
for  King's  Lynn,  ho 
knows  the  ropes. 
But,  looking  at  this 


never-to-be-forgotten    episode    when     he 

the   heirs   of  the  t'y.Aii  of  all  the 

is  disgorge  large  payment  of  death 

duties,  evasion  of  whieh  had  lieen  winked 

at  by  too  compliant  C'n  VM  I.I.UJE  OF  THE 

K\'  lll.i.'i  EB. 

J'ilik-ult  to  think  of  Accounts  Com- 
mittee with  the  CAP' EX'S  state-room  and 
sleeping  berth  occupied  by  another. 
delighted,  and  country  should  be 
grateful,  to  find  that  in  the  matter  of 
public  accounts  he  is  not  dead  but  gone 
before.  His  weather  eye,  always  open, 
steadfastly  surveys  the  pages  of  the 
public  ledger  as  from  day  to  day  they 
are  turned  over.  His  deft  arm  is  ever 
ready  to  put  forth  a  persuasive  hook 


stupendous  interro- 
gation occupying  a 

full  quarter  of  a  page  of  the  Orders, 
taking  into  account  the  intricacy  of  its 
figures,  the  familiarity  displayed  with 
the  ins  and  outs  of  the  Appropriation 
Act,  its  suspicion  of  the  Treasury,  its 
jealousy  for  the  integrity  of  the  Ex- 
chequer, one  smells  a  rat,  even  sees  it 
floating  in  the  air. 

In  plain  language,  though  the  ques- 
tion is  the  question  of  young  BOWLES, 
its  inception  and  construction  are  the 
work  of  CAP'EN  TOMMY,  whose  absence 
from  the  House  all  deplore.  Pleasant 
to  think  of  him  a  wooden-legged,  one- 
armed  cherub  sitting  up  aloft  watching 
over  the  interests  of  the  poor  tax-payer 
as  guarded  by  the  Accounts  Committee. 
Time  was  when  he  walked,  the  quarter- 
deck of  that  good  ship,  and  in  the  main 
directed  its  useful  course.  There  is  a 


Ctiiraas  IN  HIE  ACT. 

"  Cap'en  Tommy,"  Jun.  "  Hallo  !     I  suppose  you  know  you  're  breaking  the  law  !  " 
Asqu-th.  "  Er— er,  ye— es !    Now  you  come  to  mention  it,  I — I — I  suppose  I  am !    (Aside) 
m  make  a  pretty  shrewd  guess  who  put  this  youngster  up  to  this  game  !  " 

[ChucTdea  icitlioul. 

which,  catching  by  the  collar  unsuspect- 
ing peccantChancellorsof  the  Exchequer, 
pulls  them  up  short. 

The  worst  of  particular  case  disclosed 
to-day  is  that  the  accusation  is  retro- 
spective. It  is  not  one  Chancellor  of  the 
Exchequer  who  is  brought  to  the  Bar, 
but  three  Chancellors  of  the  Exchequer. 
ASQUITH,  whilst  admitting  the  manipu- 
lation of  accounts  charged  against  the 
Treasury,  points  out  that  the  particular 
form  of  book-keeping  involved  has  been 
in  practice  for  the  last  dozen  years,  had 
become  so  much  a  matter  of  routine  that 
the  transaction  was  not  brought  under  his 
personal  notice.  Thus  by  his  side  stand 
in  the  dock  Sox  AUSTEX,  ox-Chancellor  of 
the  I  \ehequer,  and  HICKS-BEACH,  of  late 
paraphrasing  Virgil  at  the  distant  Cape. 


the  irregularity  CAP'K.N  TOMMV  brings  its 
initiation  home  to  what,  was  formerly  his 
own  side  of  the  House  doubtless  rends 
his  rugged  breast  with  a  pang.  But 
duty  is  duty,  and  in  deference  to  its  call 
the  Old  Salt  was  ever  ready,  with  what- 
soever successfully  hidden  anguish,  to 
sacrifice  on  its  altar  personal  feeling. 

Business  done. — New  Procedure  Rules 
debated. 

Tuesday  n'ujht. — Man's  inhumanity  to 
woman  makescountless thousands  mourn. 
The  latest  development  of  duplicity  de- 
monstrated this  afternoon  when  MAURICE 
LEVY,  wholesale  manufacturer,  Leicester, 
presented  a  sample  of  his  goods.  It  was 
a  Bill  enabling  all  adult  women  and  men 
to  vote  at  Parlia- 
mentary Elections. 
Quite  an  innocent- 
looking  parcel,  de- 
signed at  first  sight 
to  delight  the 
female  suffragist 
and  her  friends. 

That  is  just 
where  the  wicked- 
ness of  man  comes 
in. 

When,  the  other 
day,  the  Women's 
Suffrage  Bill  was 
talked  out,  CHARLES 
MACLAREN  put  down 
Resolution  re-em- 
bodying the  prin- 
ciple. Favoured  by 
fortune  at  the  ballot, 
he  secured  a  first 
place  at  to-morrow's 
sitting.  Every  pro- 
spect of  brisk  de- 
bate and  trium- 
phant division. 
Seemed  as  if  no- 
thing could  mar  the 
prospect.  But  there 
was  one  device,  and 
that  the  crafty 
enemies  prepared. 


The  circumstance  that  in  denouncing 


According  to  Standing  Orders,  no  reso- 
lution may  be  submitted  and  debated  if 
it  be  based  upon  a  question  to  deal  with 
which  in  another  form  formal  notice 
stands  upon  the  Order  paper.  Mr.  LEVY'S 
little  Bill  being  introduced  to-night  will 
on  to-morrow's  paper  stand  for  second 
reading,  barring  out  MACLAREN'S  resolu- 
tion. This  is  what  is  called  a  blocking 
motion,  familiar  in  the  last  Parliament 
before  Sir  FREDERICK  BANBURY,  Knight, 
became  "  an  unimportant  person." 

Rage  of  the  women  suffragists  uncon- 
trolled. Member  for  Mid-Leicestershire 
placed  under  police  protection.  No  girls 
of  seventeen  who  look  as  if  they  may 
have  come  up  from  Blackpool  allowed  to 
approach  within  striking  distance. 

Ottainets  done. — New  Procedure  Rules 


further  dealt  with. 


Hi 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ainu.  3,  1907. 


AS    JULY    APPROACHES. 


•  '     i 


:• 


-    //  ••.,..•••,•'• 

ami    roe   found  out  about 
of   Dun.     He   is    the 
disagreeable  gardener    in    the    British 
Empire. 

1  had  ju*t  asked  him  in  the  politeat 
manner  whether  be  had  Been  my  hoop, 
and  all  be  aaid  wan 

I  hope,  Miaa  HELKX,  that  for  the 
mutnr'i  aake  there  '11  be  no  more  hoopa 
left  on  my  garden  paths.  According  to 
this  here  new  Compensation  law,  half 
my  wages  lor  the  rest  of  my  life  for  total 
disablement  will  not  be  a  pleasant  sum 
to  fad!" 

He  wouldn't  explain,  so  we  went  off 
to  find  out  from  the  others. 

It  is  simply  awful,  and  nobody  will 
dare  to  do  a  tinny  '. 

Mother  had  faithfully  promised  to 
paste  kites  for  us  after  ten,  but  just  as 
we  got  to  the  drawing-room  door  to 
remind  her,  we  heard  her  sny  :  — 

"Just  one  moment,  Lndy  MOVTFORT! 
Hare  you  heard  of  this  dreadful 
Compensation  business?  Our  only  hope 
is  to  keep  it  all  a  dead  secret  from  the 
servants!" 

"  Oh,  you  can't  !  "  said  CBTII,  marching 
in.  "They  all  know  everything  already. 
and  they  '  have  told  HEUM  and  me 
heaps  !  " 

"You  wicked  dcnra!"  cried  Lady 
MojrrroBT.  "  '  Do  tell  !  '  as  those  charm- 
ing Americans  remark." 

"  Oh.  well,"  said  CBTIL,  "  they  nx-koned 
up  all  the  accidents  they  could  think  of, 
and  -  - 

"And  we  told  them  of  lots  they  had 
•ever  thought  of  !  "  I  interrupted. 

"Oh.  children.  dear*  .'"  said  Mother. 
"Why  did  you?" 

"But  what  u  the  exact  position?" 
went  on  Lady  Mnyrrotr.  "  It  all  seems 
so  weird  and  tragic  !  " 

"It  is  quite  timfle!"  said  <V  n 
(Cam.  adores  explaining  to  grown-ups.) 
"  If  an  accident  liappens  to  any  of  them, 
we  hare  to  par  till  they  are  well  again, 
and  if  we  kill  them,  we  pay  their  best 
relation,  and  -  " 

"  And  if  they  kill  us,  I  suppose  our 
best  relation  gets  nothing  !  Oh,  I  knew 
something  horrible  would  come  out  of 
this  Government  !  One  law  for  the  poor 
and  another  for  the  rich  -  " 

But,  darling  Cecil.,  do  you  mean  eren 
the    charwomen?"    asked    Mother. 


We 


bar* 


no  control  over  the  char- 


Anybody  yoo  hire,  Mummy  !  "  said 
<•>    • 

It  is  absolutely  atrocious  !  "  groaned 


LadyMo. 

-Why,  what?"  asked  Dad,  who  came 
sauntering  in. 

"This  Compensation,  Mr.  Lam!" 
cried  Udy  MojrrrotT.  "  It  appears  that 


if  my  n»k  breaks  her  leg  because  she 
has  spilled  melted  • 

•  •p  li'T  until   sin-  i*  mended  ! 

Hut  if  I  break  my  1  positively 

nearly  did  this  morning,  then  who  is  to 
compensate  me?  You  am!  my  husband 
ought  to  band  yourselves  together  to — 
what 's  the  word— protest ! " 

iin  sure  personally  I  should  be 
most  happy,"  began  Dad  (Dad  d< 
the  lixwt  awful  well,  thiny*  to  I^ady 
MOXTTORT)  "  to  protest  or  go  to  jail,  or 
— or  anything  thought  suitable,  but 
so  far  as  my  experience  IMS  gone.  I 
seem  always  to  have  had  one  or  other 
of  them  on  my  hands  ever  since — 
Why,  that  last  cook,  Kim,  how  long 
did  you  worry  with  that  leg  of 
her- 

"  ( >h  don't  talk  ..f  legs  !  "  cried 
Lady  MOXTFORT.  "If  knees  and  legs 
count " 

"Quite  three  months ! "  said  Mother. 
"  Ami  when  she  left  to  be  married,  Bhe 
wouldn't  even  give  me  the  recipe  for 
ih.it  delicious  schoolroom  cake !  " 

"Marriage  stops  any  pen~i«n  for 
disablement,  I  trust ! "  said  Lady 
MOST-TOUT. 

-We  asked  JAJJE,"  I  said,  "and  she 
said  it  didn't,  and  that  heaps  of  im  n 
would  much  rather  have  a  girl  with  one 
hand  and  a  pension  than  with  two  and 
nothing ! " 

"JAM:  say  that  !"isaid  Mother.  "Why, 
only  yesterday,  though  I  knew  nothing 
of  this  dreadful  Act,  I  plcailfil  with  JAXE 
not  to  use  that  step-ladder— HAI.,  we 
really  must  have  it  attended  to— but  she 
irouU,  and  she  jerked  and  wriggled  it 
to  show  me  it  was  all  right 

"  Depend  upon  it  she  was  taking  a 
short  cut  to  marriage !  "  said  Dad. 

"  But  you  could  have  sworn  in  Court 
that  you  had  warned  her,  Mummy !  " 
said  CECIL. 

"  My  dear  boy  !  "  said  Dad.  "  Think 
one  moment.  JANE  the  weeping  plaint  id 
— Mother  the  defendant.  Mother  asked 
if  she  had  warned  the  plaintiff.  Mother 
looks  at  JAKE,  thinks  how  well  she 
attends  to  the  linen,  and  how  comfort- 
able she  makes  the  visitors— "  Yes — I 
think  I  - 1  think  I  am  quite  sure  I  warned 
her!" — JANE  shake*  her  head.  Mother 
ends  up  hastily,  'Oh,  well— shan't  \\e 
leave  it?  I  would  much  rather  pay  than 
make  a  mistake ! '  Away  goes  the  case 

I   pay  up    JAXE  lives  Lappily  ever 

'.••::•    r  !  - 

"  And  think  of  high  heck !  "  said  Ludy 

"And  the  way  my  stupid 

maid  will  insist  on  bringing  in  my  tea 

before  she  draws  up  the  blinds.    She  has 

broken— oh,  a  warehouse  full  of  morning 

tea-sets!    I  had  been  longing  for  her  to 

trip  over  something  and  break  herself 

it  now,  1  suppose " 

"  Would  china  be  cheaper  than  t 
Dad?"  I  asked. 


Hut  I.i'ly   M'  s:i"Ur  went  on,  as  she 
seized  Mother  l>y  the  arm  : 

"  lln-akagi-s  !     My  liu^l 
ingwith  a  lot  of  men  at  dinner  last  night 
aU'iit  tlie  ( 'on-er\ali\e  1'arly  having  no 
cry  with  whieli  to  go  to  the  eoiini  ; 

could  give  them  'Compensation 

for  I'  It  would  n 

i.old  !  The  price  of  bread  indci-d  ' 
What  ili»s  that  signify,  win  n  one  is 
l'-ft  without  a  pi. ite  from  \vhieh  • 

it?" 


on:  nrrn-Ns. 

Wins  Amah  Muttered  from  the  nest, 

Ili.-  youthful  livel. 
Tell  me,  was  sorrow  man 

Upon  his  mother's  moistened  el. 
And  did  his  sire  emit  a  sob 
In  .-[filing  him  to  take'  the  joh 
For  which  we  paid  him  several  l»>lj 

Perhaps  ;  but  we,  we  loved  him  i. 

lie  .-e.-tued,  de-pite  hi-  tend<  I   . 

To  constitute  a  kind  of  ! 

On  our  domestic  e,|iii] 
Unto  this  hour,  when  aught  revives 
The  memory  of  the  ruitie.l  1. 
Of  those  innocuous  t.-iM.-  km  . 

I  swell  with  inward  rage. 

Always  he  wore  iTor  he  was  rich 
In  sweet  content  that  inly  cl 

A  long,  long  smile,  the  ends  of  wliieh 
Were  lost  behind  his  striking  ears  ; 

And  in  the  fastness  of  his  den 

We  heard  him  whistling,  now  and  then, 

Ditties   that  might  have   moved    stern 

men 
To  floods  of  April  tears. 

lie  was  a  stranger  to  remorse, 

No  feeling  of  compunction  sprang 

Within  his  bosom  in  the  course 
Of  closing  portals  with  a  bang ; 

Nor  did  he  trouble  to  disguise 

The  simple  faet  that  in  his  eyes 

Youth  had  a  right  to  exercise 
The  louder  forms  of  slang. 

So  for  a  season  he  fulfilled. 

In  ways  peculiarly  his  own, 
A  Mutton's  destiny,  and  thrilled 

Us  absolutely  to  the  Ixme  ; 
Till  on  a  SaKl.alh  eve  at  last, 
When  dusky  shades  were  gathering  fa.-t, 
With  many  spoons  our  At  J RED  passed 

Into  the  wide  Unknown. 


A     fr  •«•    kick    offainut    S.UIIKTM«> 

g  gave  Mancnrvi 
S*TEnrrn»*nr.    i 

collared  the  luill  ami  |  M,!'  1  it  down  tl 
A  smart  piece  of  work  by  SATERTIIWAITF.  re- 
sulted in  COLEMAV  breaking  anny." 

'liny  \rir*. 


\VnvT  a  remark  al  ile  family  !     Yet 
odd    that    they    should     all    Kpf-11    their 
names  differently.     Cousins,  r.o  'inulit. 


Ami.  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


249 


iti >r.    "IS  TOUR   DAUGHTER   GOING   TO   MAKE   HER  DEBUT  THIS   SEASON?" 

Mrs.  Montague-Jones  de  Smythe.  "  GRACIOUS  NO  !     MADAME   ROSALIE   ATTENDS 
MORE ! " 


TO  ALL  THAT.   WE  DON'T  HAVE  TO  DO  OCB  SEWING  NO 


TO  A  FLEA. 

CREATURE,  thy  paw !    We  eulogise 
Not  "  for  a  change,"  nor  yet  at  random, 

Thee,  whom  the  lowest  men  despise, 
Whom  better  people  hold  nefandum. 
And,  insect,  thou  shall  have  excuse, 
Reared  as  thou  wast  'mid  vile  abuse, 
If  as  we  praise  thee  more  and  more 

Thou  blush  (if  that  'a  thy  way)  as  never 
heretofore. 

Think  not  we  laud  a  thing  unknown, 
And  (1)  betray  the  human  merit 

Of  scorning  troubles  not  our  own, 
Or  (2)  determine  omnc  erit 
Ignotum  pro  maqnifico. 
Thyself  but  hall  an  hour  ago 
Hast  bitten  us  and  gone  thy  ways, 

And  that  bold  bite  's  the  thing  for  which 
we  give  thee  praise. 

Supposing,  insect,  by  thy  leave, 
We  made  the  very  bold  suggestion 

That  he,  the  reader,  should  conceive 
Himself  as  thee,  and  put  the  question — 


"  What  would   he  choose  for  lawful 

game, 

At  what  direct  his  sportsman's  aim, 
If  (as  above)  he  were  a  flea  ?  " 
He  'd  chase  some  smaller  brute,  a  microbe 

possibly. 

Then  having  found  a  welcome  prey 
On  wing  or  leg,  by  earth  or  water, 

Something  that  he  might  safely  slay, 
And  run  himself  no  risk  of  slaughter, 
Would  he  alone  attack  that  thing? 
Or  would  the  brutal  bully  bring 
(Not  being  content  as  thou  to  bite) 

Some  steel  machine  and  kill  the  paltry 
chit  outright  ? 

E'en  should  the  dauntless  fellow  try 
His  hand  on  game  not  quite  so  humble, 

Maybe  a  house-,  or  common,  fly  ; 
At  most  a  bee,  nor  that  a  bumble, 
Would  he  be  modest  ?    Not  a  bit. 
He  'd  make  a  boastful  book  of  it, 
And  do  his  best  to  end  his  days 

A   picture-postcard   hero,   centre    of    a 
cra.~e. 


Now  for  thyself.     Conceive — but  flea 
Thou  art  in  fact,  so  why  conceive  it  ? 

Such  thy  idea  of  sport  that  we, 

Merely  a  man,  can  scarce  believe  it ! 
Alone,  unarmed,  thou  comest  out, 
Callous  thou  sett'st  thyself  about 
To  stalk,  sans  guns,  rods,  hounds,  or 
fuss, 

Someone  a  myriad   times  thy  size,  or 
briefly  Us. 

Un  a  rined ,  f orsooth  ?  Why ,  barely  dressed 
Thou  dost  that  risky  operation. 

Enough  of  words.    Thou  art  confessed 
The  Greatest  Sportsman  in  Creation. 
Witness  the  truth  of  what  we  write, 
That  brave,  that  grand,  that  glorious 

bite 
(Forbear,  my  modest  Sir,  to  blink) 

Upon  our  person  marked  and  thereon 
coloured  pink ! 

The  Bachelor. 

"NEW  MILTON,  Hants.— Between  sea  and 
New  Forest.  Comfortably  furnished,  de- 
tached MOUSE  to  LET."— Church  Timet 


:    • 


1'C.NVH,   OK   THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


3, 


A  PHILOSOPHER  OF  THE  SCISSORS. 

Ir  u  only  fair  to  say  that  I  started 
with    . 

.•t  me  wai' 

•         "  :V.r    .!..:.  i 

'    •          '  .  K'      I  1 ,  1 .  -  k  \ 

:  like  a  man  w 

So  I  threw  myself  into  th 

•Ie  hauteur.  I  f.  It 
disindined  lor  trivial  conversation,  and 
I  resolved  to  keep  this  Teuton  at  • 
tance.  Bat  for  some  few  minutes  he 
silence,  handling  his  scissors 
irith  a  leisurely,  almost  caressing,  touch. 
He  -p.ke  at  but. 
"  You  "ave,"  he 
murmured  e  . :;. 
dentially,  "d, 
of  a  gifted  man." 

I  was  slightly 
startled,  but  not,  I 
think,  annoyed. 
The  man's  remark 
waa  somewhat  am- 
w  -  i... 

ring  to  my 
mien  or  to  my  hair  ? 
I  sat  in  a  pleased 
silence,  and  in  a 
moment  he  had  en- 
lightened me. 

said 

half  -  dreamily,  as 
though  confirming 
a  first  impression. 
"  Dare  is  no  doubt 
abond  it.  Dis  grisp 
fail  'air  -  it  can  only 
l>elong  to  a  man  o'f 
dal«it,  per'apa  of 
genius.  I  'ave 
noticed  it  so  often, 
and  I  do  not  mis- 
•  •-• 

What    on   earth    are    you    talking; 
about?"  I  asked  him  briskly,  but  with- 
out undue  asperity. 

"I  am  a  student  of  garacter,  Zare," 
be  answered.  "I  'ave  found  dat  all 
gifts  and  faults  are  reflected  in  de  'air. 
I  tell  de  nature  of  every  gendelman  'oo 
cornea  beneath  my  'and*,  and  I  am  ever 
druthfnL  Dare  are  some  'oom  I 
anger,  and  some,  like  yourself,  'oom  I 
can  joostly  blease." 

I  unwed  a  while,  and  still  I  was  not 
annoyed.    Perhaps  then  was  something 


hoarse     murmur.       '   V»u     are  a-h  a  man  as   'im,  and   afterwards  dat 

although    some    might    .  i    for  murder  gonn 

my    duty   BO 

!     g.ill    yi'U    sduhl-otn.        All 
,-.it,.d  l,y" 


warn    tn. 


fair  'air."  that   dn' 

_  •al  mo-  I  -imple   and    so   conscientious,   must    In- 

fr.  .in    me    the    fart    that    this  danger  •  TUI-S.      1    ipiite    admired 

I    his   til  .  trail-  t'  mini, 

i   I  had  often    i    !•••!    in    my   •  ••••n  and  I  .  red  at  i!  .•  i  !...-.. 1  grin 

1    liked    him     !•  r    his  which  1  had  not.  d  ii|*>n  hi-<  rountrnanre. 


simple    tmth      I    felt    that   if   mil 
rliaueed  to  be  a  lesser  nature  he  \\.-iM 
•  point  it  (ml  i 

so  careless  of  tips  and  their 
own  I' i-e  intensts,  nre  seldom  met   with 

•us  world.     My  heart  wanned 
to    him;    f..r   very   little    1    would    have 


in  this  man's  idea— all  these  Germans 
imbibe  philosophy  from  the  cradle  I 
thought  of  the  many  Mind  unapprwia- 
tire  people  about,  and  I  longed  to 
confront  than  with  this  simple  !>• 
earning  barber.  I  felt  instinctively  that 

t  .•    :     .  .  :.      •    • 

"Yon    'aw    a    aomewhat    gomplex 
nature,  Zaiv,"  he  resumed  in  the  same 


IKDCCF.D  BT  HOLIDAY  EXCTEMOM  POBTHS. 


"  T.-ll  me  more  about  your  theory,"  I 
said  pleasantly. 

I  hire  are  many  sorts  of  'airs,  /an-." 
he  said,  "and   to  de  di 
one  must  dell  its   dale.     I  hire  waa,  for 
instance,  de  ml-'aired    gendelman    for 
'oom you  'ad  to  wait  von  liddle  moment." 

"What    did    you    think   of    him-       1 
asked  rather  coldly.     Personally,  1  had 


•  iken  to  the  man. 

i !  x.uch  'air  is  most  instroo 
Dose  dark  red  gurla  are  like  de  , 
xignals  upon  de  railway  line.     A  man 

'air   ns    dat    is     U-ril 
cong'  -  look. 

.•ivil." 
"And   what  did    you   tell    him 

I    IM!  \   'im  von  liddle   gomplimcnt 
upon  'H  undov  •    i 

to  warn  'im  a^- 

'im  that  vonce  I  gut 


thought-  urrc  inli'rniptfHl  liy  thi< 

In-r. 

"Bc'ind  yon,  X:m-.  i-  \.>n  'oo  w. 
turn,"    lu>    \vhi>p<Ti-d   ln<ir>"-ly. 
may  jpitcli  a  ^L  •    e  glass, 

in  it  i-i 

<-iTt:iin  dat  I  must  aiiijtT.     'Is  limp  Mark 
'air    drlls    me    dat    V   i<   IMII!I    l.ad    and 
fmlish.        I  >r    ilriltll 
•  h  l-ainfiil.  lint 
it     i,ni-t     lie     ddld. 
Arh  !       I 
and    dill.  : 

dat    which     I 
joost  iilxin  lini>hrd 
^uttiiiij  n 

I  glanced  at  tin- 
man  \\hi.m  hr  indi- 
,  ,,m- 

prllrd  ti.ai;rr«'  with 
liis    sorrowful    vrr- 
dirt.     It  isa  curioii-t 
nud  suggest iv.'  fart 
that   the   villain    in 
melodrama     is     in- 
variaMydark.  Such 
as   Mr.   ( i     It', 
are   unfailing 
judges  of  character. 
irlR>r 

ace  for  him- 
self, and  I  si 
to  see  a  certain  sad- 
ness in  his  eye  as 
he  Ix'ckonrd  the 
dark-haired  man  to 
approach  the  i 

chair.      He   had    in\  :;y    iii    the 

painful  task  before  him  .... 

Hut  1  had  forgotten  my  nmlirtl! 
08    I    1 

I    caught   a    hoarse   whisper    from    my 
philosopher  that    ha- 

"Such  'air  brovos  gn-at  dalmt,"  he 

wn»  saying,  and  upon  the  fare  of  the 
dark-haired  man  th.  -,\ 

smile. 


T.     Can  any  one  u-11  '\Vorrj-'  Imw 
to  nuik.  ••.   | (HIM  cart- 

ridge cawn ''.        !  n,l. 

Anairrr*  ailjuil],;]  rorrrct : 

1.  I 

2.  Yes. 

Annccr  ailjmljrd  incorrect : 
Mr.  ]].»-. 


APRIL  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


251 


THE  PUTNEY  PAGEANT. 

Mn.  SWINBURNE'S  seventieth  birthday 
occurring  on  the  5th  of  April,  Putney, 
the  riverside  hamlet  in  which  he  has 
so  long  dwelt,  has  decided  to  rise  to  the 
occasion  and  celebrate  this  auspicious 
event— auspicious  not  only  in  the  life  of 
England's  greatest  living  poet,  but  in 
the  annals  of  the  suburb  too.  For  by 
making  his  home  here  Mr.  SWINBURNE 
lias  linked  Putney  with  Parnassus.  They 
are  now  as  like  as  two  P's,  to  quote 
one  of  the  wittiest  mots  of  Mr.  WATTS- 
DUNTON,  the  famous  gipsy  critic  and  the 
poet's  most  faithful  Achates. 

The  following  provisional  programme 
has  been  drawn  up,  with  no  assistance 
whatever  from  Mr.  Louis  NAPOLEON 
PARKER.  At  an  hour  before  sunrise  the 
Lord  Mayor  and  Corporation  of  Putney 
will  assemble  outside  the  Poet's  residence, 
"  The  Pines  "  (at  the  foot  of  Alliteration 
Avenue,  leading  to  Wimbledon  Common), 
and  serenade  him  with  songs  written  in 
his  hot  youth  for  such  early  occasions. 
It  is  expected  that  either  the  Poet  or 
Mr.  WATTS-DUNTON  will  make  some  sort 
of  a  reply,  but  what  form  it  will  take 
is  not  likely  to  be  known  until  it  happens. 

The  two  friends  will  then  be  allowed 
to  return  to  bed  (in  the  case  of  Mr. 
WATTS-DUNTON,  in  a  caravan  in  the 
garden),  and  the  breakfast  interval  will 
be  taken  by  the  municipal  revellers. 

After  breakfast  Mr.  SWINBURNE  will  be 
wailed  upon  by  a  deputation  of  fellow 
Algernons,  headed  by  Mr.  ALGERNON 
AsirroN  and  Sir  ALGERNON  WEST,  and 
completed  by  the  Piccadilly  Johnnie 
with  the  little  glass  eye  and  the  Mayor 
of  Algeciras.  These  gentlemen  will  first 
apologise  for  having  the  name  at  all, 
and  then  present  the  Poet  with  an  illumi- 
nated memorial  expressing  homage. 

A  visit  is  then  expected  from  the  Poet 
Laureate,  to  test  the  repelling  powers  of 
the  new  portcullis  at  "  The  Pines." 

Mr.  SWINBURNE'S  great  reputation  as  a 
•wimmer,  and  interest  in  what  Mr. 
WATTS-DUNTON  has  happily  called  "  nata- 
tion," have  led  to  one  of  the  most  inter- 
esting items  of  this  crowded  day.  This 
is  the  deputation  of  the  chief  pioneers  of 
the  swimming  world,  who  will  call  upon 
him  some  time  during  the  forenoon. 
Led  by  Mr.  MONTAGU  HOLBEIN,  Miss 
KKI.I.KKM  \\,  Mr.  HORACE  MEW,  the  Shank- 
lin  amateur,  and  the  Finney  Family,  these 
intrepid  trudgeonists  will  swim  "all  the 
way  to  Putney  from  London  Bridge, 
where  they  are  to  have  a  handsome,  if 
unintelligible,  send-off  from  Mr.  JAMES 
DOUGLAS  (author  of  Renascence  in  Won- 
derland). The  Poet,  it  is  expected,  will 
come  down  to  the  river  bank,  where  a 
dais  has  been  raised,  to  greet  the 
swimmers  as  they  emerge,  dripping  but 
enthusiastic,  from  the  tide. 

After  a  short  speech  in  High  German 


Scotch  Railway  Station.     A  train,  ichich  has  licen  standing  at  lite  platform  for  twenty 

minutes,  starts. 

Man  (to  JAMIE  the  porter).  "Is  TON  THAIS  AWA'  AUCUEXDUXIIIIE  WAT?" 

Jamie.  "ATE." 

Man.  "  IF  I  'D  KENT,  I  WAD  IIAE  BEEN  IN  HER  MTSEL." 

Jamie.  "SHE  STCDE  LANG  ENEUCH,  ANT  WAT." 

Man.  "ATE.    IT  WAS  JUST  WANT  o'  INFOEMATION." 


from  Mr.  HOLBEIN,  a  pleasant  tribute  to 
the  poet's  well-known  love  of  cats  will 
be  paid  by  Mr.  HORACE  MEW. 

The  whole  party  will  then  "  adjourn  " 
(in  Mr.  WATTS  -  DUNTON'S  picturesque 
phrase)  to  the  Town  Hall  for  lunch,  after 
which  there  will  be  an  exhibition  of 
Mr.  SWINBURNE'S  birthday  presents. 
Among  these  is  a  loving  cup  with  two 
handles  from  Sir  LEWIS  MORRIS.  The 
children  of  Wimbledon  Common,  with 
whom  the  kindly  Poet  is  on  such 
excellent  terms,  have  subscribed  to 
provide  him  with  a  new  rhyme  to 

astrolabe." 

It  is  a  curious  and  fortunate  chance 
that  not  only  is  the  Lord  Mayor  of  Putney 
something  of  a  bard,  but  the  Borough 
Surveyor  is  one  too :  a  coincidence  that 
is  considered  by  the  cheerful  townsfolk 


to  be  of  the  happiest  augury.  The  Lord 
Mayor's  effusions  have  chiefly  been  of  a 
private  character — little  epigrams  about 
the  Town  Clerk,  mottoes  for  crackers, 
and  so  forth ;  but  the  Borough  Surveyor 
has  issued  books.  His  Heart  Strings 
Vibrant,  it  was  generally  agreed,  would 
have  been  one  of  the  successes  of  the  pub- 
lishing season  of  1904  had  not  the  Mar- 
tinique eruption  diverted  public  atten- 
tion from  belles  lellrcs,  while  his  "  Ode 
to  Chutney,"  involving  a  popular  local 
rhyme,  is  a  set  piece  for  recitation  by  all 
the  Putney  school  children.  With  two 
such  friends  of  the  Muse  at  the  head  of 
affairs  the  pageant  arranged  for  Mr. 
SWINBURNE'S  birthday  cannot  be  a  failure 
—provided  that,  as  Mr.  WATTS-DUNTON 
remarked  with  one  of  his  rich  twinkles, 
"  Jupiter  Plu  is  kind." 


,   OR  THE   LONDON   C1IAKIN  AIM. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Puneh't  >  rlu.) 


whose  line   i^  the   liflh  rale    wittici-m  at    ll  «[  Tl, 

Ikiily   .Veii/ and   .!•  MS   |!i  i;vs  whirh  mal  dlery  Liugh 

i  in  .1  powerful  -  HAMILTON,  <>ff  hi 


•     •'.•...          .  .  in.-t  the  Si          i  i  •  •   < .    •  i  .'  •  .  M  an 


••••'• 

New  York  and  Washington,  the  latter  a  town  <-f  whi 
who  have  sojourned  in  it  are  always  glad  to  hear. 
ILunr  KIM-LATEX  is  equally  at  home  •••.  In  -. 

description  of  the  stormy  !  ik  and  th.  i.n.|-..i 

tire  peace 

the  neighbourhood  of  Dartmoor  are  pretty, 
to  auit  their  setting  are  al- 
and American  citizens.    Agnu  Bor 
in  accordance  with  the  j  I   Imilds 

charming  creature  whose  life  is  overshadowed  by 


dent   all    the   time   thai 
:tiri.-t.      Whv   doo»  Mr.  HAMILTON   t-land   it         i 
him,  l>ef  try  ain 

h"\el      li-a\in^'   that    t-atiii.-.d    .V 
town  I  and  wond'-r  of  th. 


Th.  n  of  humour  fi..m  village   f.ilk  l>y  - 

literal.,  rs  is  getting  to  In- rather  old  K! 

1-s  on   merrily  i-i!.-iii;h    in   .-pit.'  ..f   ap\  and   Mr.  IV 

••  ,  that   th' 
.mities  are    |.y  no  niean- 

i  .1  .1  i :    .         .  i  :    I      l          i  i  i 


1        •            '        ling  his  sister's  hoi     ...i... '-  .,  man,  .m-l   gauer,  the  diatriol  m  \\hiili  he   i. ,-  -1.  ..!,.<!     - 
a  period  marked  by 2— ! though  hr  calls  it 


his   daughter's   growth    fnun 
liaap- 

pears  withia  the  1. 
of  a  convict  prison.     II   A  his 
disaster  affect*  the  lifo  <>f  his 
daughter  and  of  <>< 

•It:! 

at  first    hand.    The  si- 
well     conceived,      admi; 
written,  frequently  illumined 
with    those  delicate   touches 
which  are  beyond  the  posBi- 
hiliiii-s  uf  the  coarser  haiid  uf 


It  was   a  hap  | 

HMDUM  to  (.ill  Sll> 
8  Child't  harden  of 
Vertt*  into  a  pocket  edition; 
it  was  even  h  ij  p  •  r  to  get  a 
friend  and  compatriot  of  the 
author,  and  one  who  under- 
stands him  as  well  as  a 
write  a  preface  filial  with 
enthusiasm  for  the  poems  and 
love  far  the  poet.  Mr.  AXDBEW 
Lum  —  for  he  it  is  —  Bays 
many  true  and  tender  things 
of  iln,  diMthless  little  book, 
and  incidentally  extends  the 
verses  here  and  there,  as 
when  be  aj.|. !,.'!-  to  "The  Gardener"  these  interesting  re- 


marks  on  Rcottitfh  gardeners  generally  from  memories  of  his 
own  El  trick  childhood:  "Who  dug  the  worms  for  bait? 
Who  put  them  on  the  hook?  Who  showed  you  how  to 
drop  them  into  the  little  white  liun,  and  l.-t'tlinn  tUit 
••  Mark  ]««•!  whore  the  trout  Liy  waiting V  Who 
made  the  bows  and  arrows?  Who  re-strung  • 
Who,  when  a  game  was  being  organised,  always  asked, 
'  Which  aide  am  1  on  ?  '-The Uudener." 


TJu  AUiyalor  (to  <mr  meandering  drnlitt  on  the  Kile).  "OH,  fLEASE 

IXMi'T  00.      I'VS  A  HOLLOW  TOOTS,   UiD  I  WAVT   TOO  TO   Fill.   IT." 


All  the  ii-nal   i  -  \\il 

::.'!    in   1.  'hid 

oesa    llian    htiiuoiir,    Imt 
liuiki-    : 

:••  illustration! 

RAM    an 

•  nl.     _ 

'II    O) 

Quitll' 

to  contain  i  xn.n  N  ff  i 

tain  jiiiirn  i  at  iliffi-r- 

i-ut  tiini-s    liy    • 

of  thu   fifth   Karl  »,! 

The  I'criud  i>  li\ 
;i'l     i.f     ll,.-    i  i-l 
..v  and  IM  —  iniiin^;  of  the 
ninoti-enlli.      'I  .   Mi. 

A-ni"X     llii.in.ii-.     ailmiraMy 
ri    I'j-    the 
i,f  his  narrative, 
dose  Htudy  of  the  lite 
rature  <if  the  far-off  il.iy.    The 
hail  a 

gift  of  finding  liiiu.-rlf  in 
tight  places,  equalled  only  hy 
the  i»lnck  and  good  fortunu 
with  which  he  got  out  of  them. 
The  succession  of  stirring 
episodes  that  funned  thtt 


volume  would   have  admiruhh  'lie  purposes  of 

monthly   maga/inc    given   to   story   telling.      ilr.    Hi! 
bountifully  bunds   us  the  whole   Imnch 
good  reading  it  nukes,  prescntii.. 
life,  in  the  good  old  <: 


Mr.  COSMO  H.HIII.TT.X,  the  author  of  Adam'*  ( 
a),  was  one.  f  The  World,  and  hi  that  capacity 

no  doubt,  had   to  refer  to  himself  a 


migned  his  editorship  to  writ*  novel*  and  plays,  you  might 
have  supposed  that  he  would  become  a  single  gentleman 
again ;  but  no,  he  t*  ht.ll  \\  represento  two 

whom    I    ahall    call  and    "JlA\m 

lover  of  Nature,  .wlio  a 
•  --If.  '   llv 

would   became   one   of    the    low    good   modern    i 
OSMO"   is  a  bora,  who  was,  I  imagine,  one. 


;  i    : 


Our  Wonderful  World. 

the  cams  sge  at  hi* 
little  cousin.  MAVN  t  ••  tlir" latter,  hn  ID  a  siD^uLu-ly 

handsoqw  little  b»y.      Yet  an-  .  iho  two 

i«  the  bet  that  eacu  of  them  has  a  «i^' 

AND   it    i  ..T    than     himself.     IX-ar,    dear!     II   -.v 

tilings  do  turn 


FM>M    a    l!«ird    ol  lion    <    .'  -ular    to   Sec. 

Schools:- 

"A tcholjur  whaw  l.iitliday  fell  ujwit  ilie  firrt  day  of  the  »cLool-year 
•  luiukl  M  c<.  ;i.o  purpom  of  thia  return  as  having  boea  on 


•  .i  uf    the   Iciigtlis  to  which  the 

; — ,-  go  if  the  House  of  Lords  i. 

•drnim-  that  he  was  smart  and  bad  the  gift  of  satire,  aud 


APRIL  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


253 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  rumoured  from  Cairo  that,  un- 
less lie  promptly  mend  his  ways,  ABBAS 
will  soon  find  himself  .1  bos. 


There  has  been  an  earthquake  in 
Turkey,  and,  on  the  advice  of  the 
German  Ambassador,  the  SULTAN  will 
grant  no  more  interviews  to  the  repre- 
sentatives of  English  newspapers. 


men  engaged  in  removing  some  iron  fenc- 
ing which  had  been  in  position  a  great 
number  of  years.  The  men  found  their 
task  rather  difficult,  and  the  I'KINCK,  after 
watching  them,  remarked,  "  You  have  got 
a  tough  job  there."  The  workmen  doffed 
their  hats  and  laughingly  assented. 


It  is  so  hot  in 
Russia  that  it  is 
feared  that  the 
Duma  will  dissolve. 


A  surprise  was  arranged  for  King 
EDWARD  before  he  left  Biarrit/,  when  a 
torchlight  procession  of  soldiers  was 
marched  up  to  his  hotel  and  the  band 


The  new  Gover- 
nor of  JAMAICA  has 
quite  a  reputation 
for  graceful  prose, 
and  should  prove  a 
polite  letter-writer. 

"  Kaids  are  pos- 
sible without  a 
( 'liannel  Tunnel," 
says  a  naval  expert. 
If  this  be  true,  it 
certainly  seems 
absurd  to  incur  the 
enormous  expense 
which  the  tunnel 
would  involve. 


The  Sentimental- 
ists are  said  not 
to  be  satisfied  yet. 
Some  of  them  do 
not  intend  to  rest 
until  HAYNER  has 
not  only  been  par- 
doned, but  been 
granted  a  knight- 
hood.   

"The  accused 
perpetrated  a  very 
clever  fraud,"  was 
a  remark  made 
when  a  Bank  clerk 
was  given  six 
months'  hard 
labour.  We  cannot 
help  thinking  that 
such  testimonials  are  a  mistake. 


The  Bank  of  England  Kifles  have 
hern  disbanded.  Paradoxieally  their 
mission  was  to  prevent  the  Hank  being 
rilled.  

Mr.  CALTHROP  has  been  interviewed 
by  the  Express  on  the  subject  of  Women 
and  Dress.  "  Everybody  has  something 
beautiful,"  he  says,  "it  may  be  an  eye, 
the  nose,  or  the  mouth,  and  the  whole 
aim  and  object  of  the  dress  should  be 
to  lead  up  to  and  emphasise  that  beautiful 
feature."  A  lady 
who  owns  one  bran 
tiful  eye  (which 
looks  in  a  different 
direction  to  the 
other)  has,  we  un- 
derstand, written  In 
Mr.  CALTHROP  for 
more  explicit 
advice. 

"  Fur  coats  for 
dogs  have  entirely 
goneoutof  fashion," 
says  The  Daili/ 
Mail.  It i>, however, 
an  exaggeration  to 
say  that,  since  the 
pronouncement,  St. 
Bernards  and  New- 
foundlands have 
been  rushing  to 
barbers'  shops  in 
their  thousands.  At 
the  same  time  there 
is  110  doubt  that 
many  dogs  who 
had  almost  stopped 
moulting  have  now 
resolved  to  keep 
it  up. 


"WERE  vou  is  TUE  AM  WITH  NOAH,  GRANDPAPA?" 
"No,  BY  CHILD,  I  WAS  XOT  IS  THE  ARK  WITH  NoAH.' 
"THES  WHY  WEREN'T  YOU  DROWNED?" 


FROM  the  Army 
and  Navy  Stores 
Catalogue  :---- 

"BELL  (Mrs.  A.), 
Picturesque  Brittany. 
With  25  coloured  Bill- 
ustrations." 

What  a  lot  some 
people  sacrifice  to 
alliteration ! 


"The  female  head  must  have  some 
covering,  no  matter  how  slight,"  is  a 
rule  of  St.  Mary's  Parish  Church,  Scar- 
borough, and  the  female  parishioners 
are  now  being  pestered  with  advertise- 
ments of  hair-restorers. 


A  really  good  anecdote  has  become 
something  of  a  rarity.  The  following  is 
vouched  for  by  one  of  our  great  daily 
papers.  While  riding  in  Windsor  Great 
Park  hist  week  the  Prince  of  WALKS 
came  across  a  number  of  Crown  work- 


played  the    British   National  Anthem. ; 
His  MAJESTY  is  said  to  have  thought  it 
a  capital  tune.     


Samples  of  134  different  kinds  of 
Austrian  wine  were  recently  tasted  in 
a  single  day  by  a  committee  of  experts, 
reports  the  Vienna  correspondent  of  a 
contemporary.  At  the  end  of  the  test 
one  might,  we  imagine,  have  searched 
far  before  coming  across  a  jollier  body 
of  experts. 


Making  the  Most  of  It. 
"  KINO  EDWAED  received  Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL,  who  stayed  to  lunch  with  His 
MAJESTY.  The  Under  Secretary  for  the 
Colonies  will  stay  there  until  the  KIXG 
leaves. ' ' — Eeuter. 


Mr.  HARRY  K.  THAW  has  been  declared 
sane,  and  Mr.  JEROME  is  mad. 


FROM  a  Labour  Candidate's  letter  to 
The. Newcastle  Daily  Chronicle: — 

"  Now,  Sir,  I  cannot  understand  how  your 
representative  comes  to  designate  me  as  '  gen- 
tleman.' Such  designation  is  utterly  false,  and 
is  calculated  to  do  mischief.  I  shall  be  justi- 
fied in  asking  you  to  counteract  this  wilful 
miscarriage  of  justice." 


VOL.  emu. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  10,  1907. 


OUR   CROSS-COUNTRY    RUN. 

Wan  they  asked  me  to  enter  fur  our 
Cross-country  Championahip  (mixed)  I 
WM  particularly  glad  to  accept.  because 
it  would  give  me  the  chance  of 
(•riding  the  question,  once  for  all.  which 
WM  the  bettor  runner,  MABEL  or  I.  All 
through  the  beagling  MMon  we  had 
ocen  Mcret  rivala,  and  I  must  say  the 
Hinting  never  interested  ua  half  as  much 
aa  each  other's  position  in  the  run,  and 
though  we  are  really  devoted  to  each 
other,  as  everybody  knows,  we  do  cool 
off  a  bit  on  hunting  days,  and  that  was 
why  I  waa  glad  of  the  opportunity  of 
besting  her  out  and  out  ao  that  there 
might  be  no  further  barrier  to  our  friend- 
ship. MABEL,  I  may  mention,  is  taller 
»K.n  I  am  and  takes  longer  stride*,  but 
[  can  always  leave  her  on  the  plough, 
as  of  course  "  threes  "  don't  hold  it  like 
"  wide  sixes." 

It  was  a  three-mile  coarse  and  pretty 
bad  going;  there  were  about  twenty 
men  starters,  but  MABEL  and  I  were  the 
only  girls  who  meant  business.  Mrs. 
PBILOAT,  the  Master's  aunt,  also  entered, 
because  she  said  in  her  jovial  way  that 
we  ought  to  have  a  chaperon.  As  she 
is  distinctly  fat  and  considerably  over 
forty  we  gave  her  a  long  start,  in  order, 
aa  we  said,  to  give  her  the  chance  of 
looking  after  us  about  half-way  on  the 


(7  said  this, 
MABEL,  who  has  no 

That  waa  easily  settled,  but  I  think  the 
Master  had  been  a  good  deal  harassed 


by  the  way,  not 
of  humour.) 


the  rest  of  the  handicapping, 
ao  many  runners  developed 
symptoms  which,  though  not  bad  enough 
to  prevent  their  entering,  necessitated 
their  having  a  comfortable  little  start 

MABEL  got  a  few  minutes  on  me,  for 
instance,  for  what  ahe  claimed  to  be  a 
touch  of  the  "  flu,"  but  I  retaliated  with 
a  bilious  attack.  Then  ahe  got  thirty 
asconda  for  a  "  give  "  in  her  knee,  and  I 
got  twenty  for  a  return  of  chilblains; 
she  wheedled  another  ten  out  of  him 


waa  wearing  a  i  '•"<>>> 

j..il.-  Mm-  il.l.iine  i..  match  her 

,     fair    ami    pretty. 

btunllv. 

I  had  made  uj>  my  muni  t  •  go  '' 
at  the  start  and  aave  myself  fur  tin- 
Sniah,  and  I  think  H  was  tip-  nervous 
mom  that  winded  me  BO  quickly 
at  the  beginning,  (or  U-f >ro  wo  got  •" 
.he  second  fence  I  found  th.it  a  d.i;. '.- 
aeagling  was  a  very  different  matter  to 
the  Cross  -  country  Champiooabip ;  no 
:hccks,  no  horn,  no  encouragement  from 
lound  or  man — the  latter,  in  fact,  com- 


they  were  ao  worried  over 
servants  at  home,  but  the  death  of  an 
node  by  marriage  knocked  twenty 
seconds  off  my  form,  ao  we  started  even 
after  all. 

The  start  waa  to  be  made  from  the 
PmiuQirs'  lawn  in  front  of  the  house,  and 
we  finished  there  alao :  the  course  only 
crossed  the  public  road  once,  but  there 
were  some  stiff  fences,  a  good  deal  of 
wire  and  plough,  but  no  water,  though 
as  we  had  to  cross  the  little  river  by  a 
plank  just  before  the  finish  it  came  to 
the  same  thing  in  the  end.  We  all  wore 
large  numbers  pinned  in  front  just  like 
proper  runners  (mine  waa  22,  MABEL'S  35), 
and  when  FBEDOT  PHILOAP  said  they  alao 
represented  the  starters'  ages,  I  laughed, 
though  MABEL,  who,  aa  I  aaid  before,  has 
'  humour,  didn't.  Still,  she 


f ly  ignored  us  from  the  start,  and  we 

taw  nothing  of  them  after  the  second 
Seld.  I  heard  MABEL  pounding  along 
H-hind  me  blowing  like  a  grampus. 

1  'in  d.me  already,"  1  railed  jocosely 
over  my   shoulder,   but   she    made   no 
reply,  which  I  took  to  be  a  good  sign. 
[  lost  my  fringe  net,  a  new  one.  at  the 
third  fence,  and  scratched  MANX'S  nose 
with  a  briar  at  the  fourth     at  least  she 
iys  I  let  it  fly  back  on  her  as  1  dived 
through ;  but  I  didn't  do  it  on  purpose 
anyhow,  and  after  all  it  was  a  judgment 
on  her    for  keeping  BO    close.      As  I 
expected  I  gained  a  lot  on  the  plough, 
and  it  was  while  I  had  slowed  down  a 
bit  up  the  rise  to  the  road  we  had  to 
cross,  that  I  heard  a  bicycle  bell,  cockney 
voices  and  loud    laughter.      I   peered 
through  the  hedge  and  to  my  horror 
saw  fire.  FtaLQAP,  who  is  reaUy  quite 
in  with   the  country,  purple,   panting 
and  dishevelled,  with  a  large  17  pinned 
on    her   ample  breast,  caught  in    the 
wire  in  the  opposite  hedge,  while  half- 
a-dozen     dreadfully    common     young 
bicyclists  were  commenting  on  her  dis- 
comfiture with  delighted   exclamations 
of  "  Giddy  old  Kipper,"  "  Sweet  Seven- 
teen," "Cheero,  MAUDIE— you  '11  win  !  " 
— the  great  cowards !     Of  course  I  felt 
for  her,  and  I  suppose  I  ought  to  have 
her  through,  but  my  courage  failed 
me,  for  I  remembered  my  own  22,  my 
lopping  hair  and  scarlet  face,   not  to 
mention  the  shortness  of  my  breath  and 
my  skirt,  so  I  just  slipped  across  the 
road  lower  down  and  continued  my  way 
unnoticed.      But  there  was  no  excuse 
for  MABEL,  she  certainly  ought  to  have 
stopped,  and    i->en    then    would   have 
come  in  second  just  the  same,  and  I 
really  felt  disgusted  when,  Unking  over 
my  shoulder,  I  saw  her  follow  my  ex- 
ample and  leave  our  chaperon  to  her 
fate.     She  came  after  me  at  a  grea- 
too,  and  I  sprinted  down  a  hard  cart- 
track  to  respond  to  her  effort.     1  think 
it  must  have  been  this  that  upset  me 
for  I  began  to  feel  awfully  bad  all  •  >f  a 
sudden,  and  waa  actually  leaning  against 
a  hurdle  for  support  when  she  came  up. 
."Oh!     I    tit    so   sick!"    I   wailed 
raising  mv  eyes  to  her  crimson    anc 
white-patched  face.     I  shall  never  for^-t 
the  look  of  fiendish  joy  that  crossed  it. 


•  Lie  down  a  bit."  she  culled  as  she 

ran  on  ;   "  you  '11  noon  feel  l>«  • 

Her  cruelty  saved  me,  added  to  the 
fact  that,  thinking  me  done,  she  was 
walking,  and,  recovering  with  • 
slop,  1  In-gaii  to  gain  on  her.  She  saw 
.:iingand  mended  her  pace,  though 
she  was  U-ginning  to  roll  a  bit.  and  I 
was  really  surprised  to  see  her  suddenly 
stop  and  Ix'gin  to  put  her  fringe  straight 
ind  arrange  her  blouse.  Then  1  saw  a 

r.iplier  waiting   to   take  us   . 
inanrd  the  la-t  fem  •  01  l'iiii<.\r 

iad  engaged  two  to  ink- 
he  run,  one  for  Thf  (\>nnln/  .•"/KI-NUMH 
nd  one  for  Thf  H7/i/'/»  r  In.)     It  was  a 
lorrible  moment.     1  tried  with  a  sudden 
witch  of  my  distorted    features  to  com 
wee  them  into  a  sort  of   quioso.  me.  but 
felt  it  was  a  failure,  and  when  I   heard 
hat   merciless  click  I  heartily  wished  1 
i. id  never  Ixsen  born. 

There  was  only  a   downhill  stretch   of 
prass,   the   river   to  cro-s,  and  a 
sprint  on  the  level  to  finish  with.    MABEL 
vaa  still  leading,  but  I  was  less  than 
i\e  yards  liehind      in  fact  she  had  hardly 
reached  the  middle-  of  the  plank 
he  river  when  I  set  foot  on  the  end. 

Of  course,  if  she  had  kept  her 
t  would  never  have  happened,  but  my 
weight  made  the  plank  wobble.  Shr 
staggered,  screamed,  lost  her  balance 
and  went  over  one  side,  which  of  course 
caused  the  plank  to  jump  and  sent  me 
iver  the  oiher.  Although  the  water  was 
only  a  foot  deep,  we  both,  apparently, 
went  under,  and  I  think  M.vm  i.  inn-! 
lave  dived  into  some  weed,  to  judge  fr<  >m 
r  appearance  as  she  scrambled  to  the 
bank,  and  although  my  hair  doe*  curl 
naturally,  perhaps  I  didn't  look  much 
better.  But  before  we  could  turn  on 
each  other  and  say  what  we  felt,  a  sudden 
sight  transfixed  us  with  horror.  Tl  it- 
photographer  of  The  \Vhinper-In  was 
waiting  on  the  level  stretch  to  snap  us 
as  we  finished.  It  was  too  much,  and, 
gathering  up  our  drenched  skin 
fled  before  him  through  the  shrubbery 
to  the  back  of  the  house  and  ne\er 
stopped  till  we  reached  t  -ion  of 

the  bath-room.     I  don't  regret  it,  for  the 
fact  that  neither  of  us  finished  drew  u- 
together   again  as   nothing  else   could 
have  done,  and  when  we  heard   a   sound 
of  chit-ring  and  saw,  through   the   bath 
room  window,  Mrs.  I'IIII^M-  red  proudly 
to    the    winning-iKwt,    I'm    quite 
neither  of  us  grudged  her  the  pri/e.      A 
a  matter  of  fact  I  didn't  care  who  got  it 
as  long  as  MABEL  didn't,  and  I  know  she 
felt  the  same  about  me. 


FBOM  a  Cornish  paper :  — 
"Mr.  Jura  TlEVAftiiR.  Trinity  pilot. 
up  a  ip«r  about  aixty-aii  fwt  long  one  day  lant 
week  near  the  beach.    The  apar  teem*  to  b* 
in  good  condition." 

So  does  Mr.  TBEVASKB. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APRIL  10,  1907. 


WHO   SHALL  DECIDE — ? 

PEKTUHBED  SPIRIT.  "I  DO  WISH  THEY'D  SETTLE  WHAT  1  REALLY  AM!" 


Amur,  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


257 


A    MOMENTOUS    QUESTION. 


Chariroman.  "  SHALL  I  OIT  ME  LUNCH  NOW,  so   AS  TO  GIVE  ME  STRENGTH  FOR  ME  WASHIN',  OR  SHALL  I  DO  ME  WASHIN'   FIRST,  so  AS  TO 

01VE    ME   A   HAPPYTITF.   FOR   ME   LCNCH  ?      I  TIUNK   IT'S   STRENC1TH  I  WANT   MOST." 


THE  TWENTIETH  CENTURY 
CHILD. 

IT  was  eleven  o'clock,  and  GITNTARD'S 
was  crowded  with  people,  but  I  managed 
to  get  a  small  table  to  myself,  just  by 
a  screen. 

There  was  a  good  deal  of  noise  and 
bustle  going  on  all  round,  so  it  was 
some  time  before  1  realised  that  there 
must  be  people  behind  the  screen,  but 
presently  a  woman's  voice  could  be  dis- 
tinguished, evidently  talking  to  a  child. 

"No,  darling,"  she  said,  "cherry 
brandy  isn't  good  for  you.  Mummy 
doesn't  want  her  little  daughter  to  have 
such  things." 

"  The  Twentieth  Century  Child !  "  I 
murmured,  with  mingled  pity  and  dis- 
gust. 

Then  the  talking  began  again,  though 
the  child's  answers  were  too  indistinct 
for  me  to  hear. 

"  One  cake  more,  then,  darling — one 
of  these  nice  pink  ones,  but  that  really 
must  be  all.  You  will  be  making 
yourself  ill,  aud  then  you  won't  be  able 


to  go  to  DAISY'S  birthday  party.  Just 
think  of  that." 

A  moment's  pause.     Then — 

"  Mummy  's  looking  forward  to  the 
party  quite  as  much  as  you  are,  my  pet, 
and  she  k'noies  her  little  girl  will  be 
the  smartest  and  the  sweetest  and  the 
cleverest  in  the  room  !  " 

The  child  said  something  I  couldn't 
hear,  and  the  infatuated  mother  went 
on  again  : 

"  Then  there 's  the  fancy-dress  ball  on 
|  Thursday.  I  think  you  shall  go  as 
1  Spring,  my  darling,  covered  with 
flowers." 

The  child  waa  evidently  making  hay 
while  the  sun  shone  with,  the  cakes,  and 
didn't  answer. 

"And  after  the  Ball  my  wee  girlie 
must  pay  off  some  of  the  calls  with 
Mummy.  And  then  there  will  be  her 
own  '  At  Home'  cards  to  be  printed  and 
i  sent  out.  How  busy  Mummy  and  NINTA 
will  be  !  And  I  mustn't  forget  to  send 
a  picture  of  you  in  fancy  dress  to  the 
papers,  my  sweet !  How  jealous  the 
i  it  her  little  givla  will  b« !  " 


A  picture  of  an  overdressed,  smirking 
child  —  "Our  Little  Contributor,  No. 
56789  "—rose  before  my  mental  sight. 

"  But  now  we  really  must  be  going, 
darling,"  cooed  the  voice.  "  We  have  only 
just  time  to  have  your  new  motor  coat 
fitted  on  before  lunch.  We  shall  have  to 
leave  your  new  shoes  till  to-morrow." 

The  rustle  behind  the  screen  became 
louder,  and  a  minute  later  a  fashionably 
dressed  woman  came  out,  carrying  in 
her  arms  a  small  black  Pomeranian  do, 
with  a  pink  ribbon  round  its  neck,  am 
a  lot  of  jingling  gold  and  silver  orna- 
ments fastened  to  it. 

As  she  passed  down  the  shop  the  lady 
stopped  for  a  moment  beside  a  friend  at 
another  table. 

"This  is  my  very  own  little  girlie," 
she  said,  "and  ske  is  a  very  vain  little 
girl,  too.  But  isn't  she  sweet  ?  " 

Then  she  went  on,  smiling,  and  in  the 
distance  I  could  hear  her  saying — 

"  I  have  had  a  glass  of  cherry  brandy 
and  a  biscuit,  and  my  little  girl  has  had 
three  iced  cakes — threepenny  ones — and 
two  nwcaroons — greedy  little  pet  \  " 


L.- 


PUNCH,  OR  T11K    LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  10,  1907. 


LITTLE    SHOWS    FOR    LARGE    WINDOWS.-II. 

Hr*r.  n  the  little  Domestic  Drama  intended  f«r  i-.-rf.mi 
in   the  •hop-windows  of  any  upholsterer  sutiici.-ntK 

'    ; ' 

IIKIt    XK\V 
(A  Wordless  "Heart  to  Heart"  Hay,  in  .1  Windows.) 

Windoic  the  Fir*. 

8cm.— A  Bedroom,  upholstered  complete  f.  r  x:T  IS*.  C./. 
(by  Mem.  Fnxn,  Ten  A  Go..  191,  193,  I1.'."..  KID) 
Street,  W.).  Every  article  in  the  room  bears  a  label  with 
price  marked  in  plain  figures.  A  Young  Bride  is  discovered 
•landing  re.  in  her  going-away  dress.  Her  discarded 
bridal  finery  is  lying  on  the  bed.  She  is  lost  in  reverie 
At  the  back  two  Bridesmaids  look  on  sympathetically.  Km.  r 
the  Bride'*  mother  by  door  R.  She  reminds  her  daug! 
dumb  show,  that  the  motor  has  been  panting  for  a  consider 
able  time  on  the  gravel-sweep,  that  He  is  growing  impatient 
and  that,  unless  they  start  very  soon,  they  will  mevital.lv 
miss  the  train.  The  Bride  espressos  in  eloquent  pantomime 
that  never  till  now,  when  she  is  about  to  leave  it  for  ever. 
has  she  folly  realised  the  exquisite  refinement  of  the  little 
home  in  which  she  has  spent  her  happy  girlhood.  HIT 
heart  is  heavy  with  doubts  and  apprehensions. 

She  feels  that,  after  all,  she  knows  Him  so  little.  He  has 
undertaken  to  furnish  I  lie  \ew  Home  without  consulting 
her.  Can  she  be  sure  that  his  taste  and  judgment  are  to 
be  depended  on?  May  he  not  have  dealt  with  some 
establishment  inferior  to  the  firm  which  lias  invests!  II.T 
parents'  villa-residence  with  such  inexpensive  distinction  'f 
/  quite  fed  that  all  thit  it  difficult  to  convey  in  by-play, 
but  I  hare  teen  eren  more  tubtle  and  eomnlieated  meaning* 
fared  fairly  intelligible  by  thit  method  it  it  purely  a 
matter  of  technique.] 

The  Mother  reassures  her.  She  must  hope  for  the  best. 
If  her  future  surroundings  should  not  tie  quite  what  she 
has  been  accustomed  to,  Love  and  Duty  will  give  her  courage. 
In  the  meantime  she  must  not  be  too  late  for  the  train. 

The  Bride  still  lingers.  She  cannot  go  without  taking  a 
food  farewell  of  all  the  familiar  objects  which  she  learnt  to 
regard  as  beloved  friends.  Sadly  she  gazes  at  the  Sheraton 
wardrobe  at  £3  4t.  8A,  whose  bevelled  mirror  reflects  her 
for  the  hut  time.  She  bids  good-bye  to  the  neat  Sheraton 
dressing-table  at  £2  17*.  2d. ;  to  the  washhandstand  in 
fumed  oak,  with  real  marble  top  and  back  fitted  with  Art 
tiles  to  customer's  own  selection,  that  wonderful  bargain  at 
13*.  94.  Even  the  handy  little  sky-blue  enamelled 
towel-hone  at  9«.  W.  comes  in  for  a  parting  pat,  nor  are  the 
two  •eren-and-eightpenny  shrimp-pink  rush  bottomed  bed- 
loom  chain  forgotten.  The  artistically  framed  photogravure 
on  the  wall  of  a  Nymph  reclining  in  a  cascade  (a  variety  of 
subjects  within,  our  price  5«.  ll<f.)  brings  the  water  to  her 
eyes.  And  lastly,  as  her  light  feet  croasthe  Art  carpet  square 
'••  ft  by  4),  in  any  shade  19«.  lid.,  she  almost  breaks  down 
baton  the  Chesterfield  couch  in  Art  cretonne  which  is  such 
marvellous  value  at  £2  15*.  W.,  and  on  which  she  has 
indulged  in  such  pleasant  day-dreams  of  the  Fairy  Prince 
who  would  one  day  invite  her  to  share  his  Kingdom.  The 
Fairy  Prince  has  come—be  is  a  clerk  in  a  firm  of  outside 
broken,  and  all  her  fancies  had  pictured  him  and  yet ! 

The  door  opens.      He  is  seen  standing  outside  in   hi* 

»TdUng  suit    ftr  Mother  place,  the  Bride's  hand  in  his 
Ik  leads  her  out,  while  her  Mother  sinks  into  a  wicker  easy- 
chau  with  brocaded  cushion  reduced  to  15*.  lid.,  and  the 
widesmaida  prepare  to  throw  a  white  satin  slipper  out  of  the 
— *—  —  the  curtain  falls. 

Window  the  Second. 
—A  small  but  elegantly  fitted  Drawing-room,  cost 


complete  £29  .1*.  4.1.    Time— Three  weeks  later.    The  Stage 
is  clear  at  rising  of  Curtain. 
The  door  on  i..  open-,  ami  He  appears.     With  a  gesture 

...  uragerueut  which  only  partially  conceals  his  secret 
.iiiM.-tv.  he  seems  to  l*>  inviting  someone  to  come  in.  The 
Bride  enters.  ;•>!,,-  I..K-.  pair,  she  dare  nut  lift  her  eyes  fur 
fear  of  what  she  may  M-V.  He  stands  lwick,  watching  her 

•i-i- ni  with  growing  mi-:  "-uddenly  her  face  lights 

up.     She  has  noticed  a  placard  on  the  ear|>et.      Where,  tchere 
has  she  seen  the  name  of  that  finn  In-fore  ?     Can  it  be — 

it  it  the  same  establishment  which  gave  siieh  satisfaction 
to  her  own  dear  people !  .V  a  tmdcou: 

her  future  domain.     II.-  l<«>ks  on,  smiling    proudly,  while, 
with  increasing  rapture,  she  takes  in  detail  after  detail.     Tin- 

h    inlaid    writing- bureau,    with    ormolu    mounts,    for 

.  the  luxurious   1.. ,'ii^   \\".  settee  at  £3   17*.  Orf. ; 

the  Chippendale  corner  china  c.iliinet,  a  marvel  of  cheapness 

and  utility,  for  JSll  111*,  ll-/.  only  ;  the  mahogany  palm-stand, 

•'•/.,  with   plant   10».  •),/.;   the  gipsy  kettle  OOakoott] 
5«.  8</.,  and  all  the  rest  of  her  new  treasures.     She  intimates 
not  only  her  e»\static  delight,  Lut  her  keen  remorse  for  • 
having  doubted,  even  in  thought,  that  his  taste  was  otherwise 
than  perfect.     They  cmb: 

Suddenly  she  tears  herself  away  and  darts  to  the  window. 
Then  she  conveys  l>y  gestures  that  her  mother  has  just 
llighted  from  a  cab  and  i<  alniut  to  pay  them  a  surprise  visit. 
He  suggests  in  dumb  show  a  harmless  little  practical  joke. 
Why  not  remove  all  the  tickets  U-fore  her  entrai- 
assents  gleefully,  ami  the  cards  stating  the  price  of  each 
irticle  are  hastily  thrust  into  a  cupboard.  The  mother-in  law 
'liters.  Cm-tings.  She  stands  aghast  atoll  thec\id> 
of  reckless  extravagance  she  beholds.  In  emphatic  panto- 
nime  she  upbraids  her  son-in-law  for  his  mad  folly  and 
predicts  his  certain  min.  Laughingly,  he  extracts  tLe  n. 
md  replaces  them  on  the  various  articles.  The  mother  in  I. iu 
s  amazed  and  appeased.  She  could  not  have  believed  that 
even  Messrs.  FKRXIK.  TUKR  &  Co.  could  supply  such  go. -Is  at 
so  low  a  figure.  She  intimates,  like  the  Queen  of  Sheba. 
liat  the  haft  was  not  told  her,  and  that  she  would  lik 

taken  over  the  house  at  once.     They  kneel  before  her, 
and  she  blesses  them  as  the  curtain  falls  on  the  picture. 

Window  the  Third. 

I  haven't  space  to  describe  this  thoroughly.    The  scene 

/ould    be    the    Dining-room;     the    occasion*    the     V. 

Couple's  first  Dinner-party  to  two  suburban  married  couples 

— pleasant  people,  to  whom,  however,  furniture,  lias  not  yet 

revealed  itself  as  a  Fine  Art.    The  window  would   illus 

trate  their  naive  admiration  of  the  set  of  six  Chippendale 

dining-room  chairs  with  red  leather  seats  at   19*.  1 1^./.,  and 

wo  carving  ditto  at  23*.  (W.    They  would  start  up  from  their 

>lacee  to  examine  the  Chiming  Grandsire  Clock  in  the  mrncr 

reduced  to  £7  9*.  2d.,  the  Cosy  Wing  Chair  covered   in  reel 

apestry  for  19».  lid.,  the  massive  American  Maple  Sideboard 

at  £6  17».  5d.    They  would  be  eagerly  taking  down  the  name 

and  address  of  Messrs.  FERNIK,  TUKB  A  Co.,  aud  expressing 

heir  intention  to  do  up  their  own  homes  in  precisely  the 

same  style,  as  the  Curtain  falls. 

Or  the  Third  Window  might  illustrate  the  First  Quarrel, 
>eing  an  occasion  when  He,  in  a  momentary  aberration, 
>rings  home  a  "  Curate  "  coke-plate  stand  of  inferior  design 
>ya  rival  finn,  and  She  insists  that  either  It  or  She  H.NM 
cave  the  house.  He  is  obdurate  at  first,  but  finally  vi.-l.U, 
md  hurls  the  "  ( 'urate"  cake-stand  through  the  window,  whilst 
falls  into  hi*  anus  and  the  Curtain  descends  on  a 
ouching  tableau  of  Reconciliation. 

[    shall   endeavour   in    my   next  article   to  give   another 
example  of  my  method,  in  connection  with  an  influential  i 
cern   which,  while  it  does  a  little  in  furniture,  is  mainly 
occupied  in  pushing  a  somewhat  higher  line  of  goods. — F.  A. 


APRIL  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


259 


THE    TRIUMPH    OF    FATHER    BERNARD    VAUGHAN.-I 


II  IB  GRATIFYING  TO  FIND  THAT  THE  PUBLICITY  GIVEN  LAST  WEEK  TO  THE  BEFOEMS  PROMISED  FOR  THE  COMING  SEASON  HAS  HAD  BENEFICENT 
BESCLTS.     MOTORISTS,  INSTEAD  OF  BEING  A  MENACE  TO  THE  COUNTRYSIDE,  ARE  NOW  A  JOY  TO  THE  VILLAGES  THROUGH  WHICH  THEY  PASS. 


THE  HABIT  OF  DINING  EXTRAVAGANTLY  AT   EXPENSIVE   RESTAURANTS   18   GIVING  PLACE  TO  A*  PLAINER    MODE   OF   LIVING.      A  CONSIDERABLE 

AMOUNT   OF  HIGHER  THINKING   IS   CONFIDENTLY   EXPECTED  TO   RESULT. 


PUNCH,   OH    '1'JIK   LOM"»N    CHARIVARI. 


[Awn.  1". 


OUR    GARDEN. 


Vnowourganko?    The  only  spo» 
In  the  whole  wide  world  where  there  s  pleasure, 


And  leisure, 
A  treasure 
That  •  man  might  seek  with  the  whole  of  oi»  MM 

And  M*er  find. 
;  .    ..:.  ...     •  ••  •  : 
m'thefoldenbar 

Of  the  sunset  back  to  the  morning  star. 
Here,  when  the  thrushes  spill  from  jojwa  throats 
Their  rippling  tribute  of  melodious  note*, 

And  where, 
i      .     • ::  •.,.  toei 
SWKT  in  this  April  breett 

Tlicir  branches  bare.  

There 's  s  burst  of  life  and  a  shimmer  of  gresm, 
The  first  faint  shimmer  that 's  hardly  MOk» 

.  lo! 

With  a  glow 
That  warms  the  earth 
The  grass  breaks  out  in  a  burst  of  mirth 
And  a  glitter  of  laughing  sunlight  fills 
The  golden  cups  of  the  Daffodils. 

Now  lift  your  eyes  and  see 

The  Ahnund  tree. 

Surely  old  AIUM,  when  with  lagging  feet 

And  recollecting  sighs 
Su<lly  he  fared  to  meet 

His  lot,  and  left  the  gates  of  Paradise : 
Surely  he  thought,  when  all  in  front  was  gloom, 
Of  those  irrevocable  hours 
Of  sun  and  flowers, 
And  that  pink  flush  of  delicate  Almond-bloom. 

Out  and  away,  where  the  poplars  bound 
The  edge  of  the  lawn,  there  s  a  jolly  sound 
Of  children's  laughter  that  rattles  round.      . 
Three  little  figures  frisk  together 
For  joy  of  the  sunny  April  weather : 
Cracketty-ntcketty.  trip  and  stumble, 
I  '|.  to  it.  on  to  it,  bump  and  tumble  : 
A  rout  that  never  becomes  a  wrangle, 
Might,  collision  and  shouts,  a  tangle 
<  >f  arms  and  faces  and  legs  and  frocks, 
Of  hats  and  ribbons  and  shining  locks. 
And,  hark ! 
There 's  a  bark 

As  the  impudent  Dandie  joins  the  whirl 
With  a  playful  nip  fur  each  plump-legged  girl ; 
Hut  the  great  majestic  St.  Bernard  fellow 
In  hie  dignified  robe  of  orange  yellow, 

In  his  robe  of  state 

He  is  couched  sedate. 
And  he  watches  the  game*  of  these  riotous  Graces 

Till  they  tumble  about  him, 

And  tug  hint  and  flout  him, 
And  be  lifts  his  head  and  he  licks  their  faces. 

So  that 'sour  garden.    When  next 

v_  ,_ -i 

ion  re  oppressed 

And  distressed, 

And  more  than  usually  perplexed 
With  the  net  of  worries  that  I  can  defy  in  i«. 
Drop  me  a  line,  and  come  and  b'e  in  it.  1!  <     I 

OOMMDCUL   Cuaam.—"  Don't  wait  for  that  Bald  spot 
l'se  Capilla." 


I'F.FF.ATFI)    AT    LAST. 

IRLE  JAPANESE  GENERAL  VASQTISHKD  BT  GALLANT 
Burmaa. 

1  NISHI    the   Tirfl««n,"    the   hero  of   Motienling  and  now 

.fiiiT.il  "I  Military  F.dm-ati.  :.  .  is  at  present 

1.  ai,  and  it  Daili/  Mall  interviewer  has  recently 
•  .•  d  to  the  intrepid  *»•*!.  with  wliirli  the  gallant   tlenenil 
mrsues  his   world-quent  fur  knowledge.      Ik-ing,    like    the 
najority  of  Japan's  warrior  heroes,  t-liy  ami   reserved,  and 
hrinking  from   the  limelight   of  public  adulation.  In-neral 
N'lsiu  is  anxious  to  dis|>el  the  notion  .    by  the  intiT- 

icw  th.it  his   rapacity  of  endurance  is  absolutely  unlimited, 
and  to  that  end   has  courteously    ]  ,l.-n  .  d    at    our   disposal 
extracts  from  his  diary,  which  Mr.  I'unch  has  freely  Kngli- 
follows  :  — 

Ain-il   1  .--  Breakfasted  with   the   eminent   Un,'-rnlcnr    Mr. 
;.  K.  l'i!i>ru:pi\.  to  ini-et  l>r.  ('.   W.  SM.KI.IIY.     Conv 
ion   general   during   the   meal.      After  bn-akfa-t   .Mr.  ( 
TEBTOJf    began    to    e.\l>oiiiid    the   differenre    between    KaMern 
and  Western  U'uietiMn.     Flow  »1  language  and  volun.' 
quite  wonderful.       At   !.•"•"  i    '  il   untinUicd. 

Excused     mys'-lf     on     m-ore    of    anotlu-r  •  lit     and 

retiii  \    hotel,  took  a  dose  of  liromide  and  re.-teil  till 

7.30.        Uiiied"    at     Sim.  irant    aH    the 

ruest  of  forty  Released  Suffragettes.    Came  home  in  a  tireless 

"ourwheeliT  .it    1"  I"'. 

April  2.—  Breakfasted  in  bed.  At  eleven  interviewed 
jy  Mr.  lUvMo.Mi  HI.AIHWAYT.  Lunched  with  Mr.  .- 
•Vsmu.N.  Went  with  Mr.  ASIIIOS  in  his  More  car,  in  com- 
>any  with  Mr.  1  1  \Yi4is  COKHN,  to  \isit  K.'u-al  t  Irr.-n,  Woking 
md  Highgate.  1'im-d  alone  and  went  to  the  Nutting  Hill 
Literary  Society  to  hear  Mr.  C'l:  lecture  on  J-'IUNK 

:{icHABD80N  and  Si'iso/.v.  At  11  r.M.  no  sign  as  yet  of 
SPINOZA.  Brought  home  iu  an  unbalance  by  l>r.  SAJ.I 

.April  3.  —  Dr.  SALKKBY  called  in  his  motor  to  take  me 
to  see  his  new  aeroplane  at  Brooklands,  and  play  ln«  -key 
with  him  in  the  afternoon  at  Bristol  against  the  local 
team.  1'r.  S\  mlcd  dwables  all  oppunente  and 

then  renders  first  aid.     On  the  journey  back  to   town  he 
explains  connection  between  Shinty  and  Shintoi>m.      I'olli- 
sion  with  omnibus  in  Hammersmith  ;   omnibus  roiii]  '• 
wrecked.     Dr.  SALKKHY  trepans  the  eondiu-tor  and  wives  his 
life.    Hetum  to  hotel  1.30  A.M. 

April  4.  -  Lesson  from  LOVCJOT  in  the  anchor  cannon  bt 
11  to  1.     In  the  afternoon  practised  Gnecod.'oinan  wrestling 
with  Lancashire  Buffragettes.      Motored  with  l>r.  >• 
1'ond.  r's  F.nd  to  hear  Mr.  CHESTWIT<  >x  leetnre  .mes 

and  Aerated  Hn-ad. 

Ajiril  ."'.  Suffering  from  severe  brain  fag.     Declined  all 

invitations  and  retired  into  a  nursing  home  to  undergo 
rest  cure.  Doctor  pronounces  me  to  be  suffering  from 
SalecbitiK.  (Si'yiK-Ji  Xi-in  nn  TIRED  Our. 


Sporting  Intelligence. 

"  YOUNG  Australians  are  being  given  a  chance  to  distin- 
guish themselves  in  the  sculling  contests  now  proceeding  at 
Oxford.     The  son  of  Mr.  Just:  e  II:  .uiss  is  stroking  the  first 
'logger'  (emergency  crew)  at  Kalliol,  and  four  other  \>. 
|sj  .     .      .      ited  with  him  in  thi  team."      1  <gv». 


THEY  are  di.-erful  people  at  Renton,  wh.T.-ver   tliat  is. 
According  to  The  Olatgotc  Krtning  Citizen: 

.1  !.  ;  < if  nulling  taren  at  the  annual  meeting  of  Uent/m 
K.I'.  Ui>t  nisfal.  Tbe  inroov  for  the  MUOO  ban  \<reu  £87,  and  tlie 
outl«]r  ! 

As  one  happy  member  observed  to  another,  the  deficit  was 
on  the  right  side  anyhow. 


APRIL  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


261 


IN    HAPPY    DUNMOW. 

RICH  PROGRAMME  FOB  THE  BAOON  FESTIVAL. 

SHAKSPEARE  is  not  to  be  allowed  this 
year  to  have  it  all  his  own  way.  There 
is  to  be  a  Bacon  Festival  too,  and  it  will 
be  on  a  scale  of  some  magnificence.  St. 
Albans  might  seem  at  the  first  blush  its 
best  venue,  but  by  a  fortunate  chance 
Dunmow's  traditional  claims  were 
thought  of  in  time,  and  the  little  Essex 
town  (the  birthplace  of  CLYDE  FLITCH  the 
great  American  dramatist)  was  selected 
for  the  high  honour.  A  special  service 
of  motor  omnibuses  will  run  during  the 
festival  between  St.  Albans  and  this 
place,  and  the  two  towns  for  that  occasion 
only  will  also  be  connected  by  wireless 
telegraphy. 

The  Dunmow  Festival,  which  is  in  the 
capable  hands  of  Mr.  Louis  NAPOLEON 
PORKER,  assisted  by  Sir  THOMAS  LIPTON, 
Mr.  WILLIAM  HARRIS  and  the  President 
of  the  Baconian  Society,  will  open  on 
April  22,  synchronously  with  the  rival 
festival  at  Stratford -on -Avon  for  the 
play-actor  and  holder  of  horses'  heads— 
WILLIAM  SHAKSPEARE — to  whom  has  fallen 
for  too  many  years  the  honour  of  wearing 
the  giant's  robe;  presented  to  him,  for 
reasons  of  his  own,  by  the  Great  Chan- 
cellor. The  two  Festivals  will  end 
simultaneously. 

Mr.  POUKEII  has  been  fortunate  in 
obtaining  the  services  of  a  first-class 
touring  company  from  Chicago,  known 
as  the  Prime  Packers,  who  will  give  a 
series  of  performances  of  BACON'S  plays 
in  the  theatre  that  is  now  being  rapidly 
built.  On  the  opening  night  Hamlet 
will  be  played,  with  Mr.  THOMAS  B.  RASHER 
as  the  melancholy  Dane,  and  Miss  LTDIA 
BHISKET  as  Ophelia.  These  are  both  fat 
parts. 

Mr.  HALL  CAINE  has  rented  a  semi- 
detached villa  for  the  fortnight,  and  will 
walk  in  the  front  garden  daily. 

A  phrenologist  (with  a  candle)  will 
lecture  hourly  on  the  bumps  of  the 
ordinary  Baconian. 

There  will  be  no  BENSONB  present — 
either  acting  BENSONS  or  writing  BENSONS. 

The  simple  tribute  of  the  townsfolk 
themselves  will  be  offered  in  the  way 
of  a  decoration  of  old  places,  and  a 
procession  of  Dunmow  children  to  the 
statue  of  BACON  (now  being  cast  in  lard 
by  a  leading  sculptor),  all  in  their 
Sunday  frocks— carrying  to  strew  there 
BACON'S  own  English  flowers  picked 
from  the  cottage-gardens  and  the  fields 
round  about — "rosemary  for  remem- 
brance," and  "lady  smocks,  all  silver- 
white,"  and  "cuckoo-buds,"  and  "violets 
dim,"  and  daffodils,  and  "  pale  prim- 
roses" and  "freckled  cowslips,"  and 
such  others  as  at  Dunmow  even  now 
"  do  paint  the  meadows  with  delight." 

Every  morning  the  Town  Band  will 
play  "  Ehren  on  the  Rind." 


HELP! 

Lady  (buying  presents — to  friend).  "  Now  I  WONDEB  IF  THAT  is  THE  SOBT  OF  TIE  THAT  WOULD 

BE   CONSIDERED   GOOD   TASTE   BT   A   MAN  ?  " 

Shopman.  "  ER — I  SELECTED  IT  UISSLF  FROM  A  VERT  LARGE  STOOT." 


SAYINGS  OF  THE  WEEK. 

(Overheard  on  the  spot  by  Our  Special  and 
Untrustworthy  Reporter.  With  apologies  to 
"  The  Observer.") 

I. — ME.  COOK  (AT  THE  MANSION  HOUSE 

STATION). 

Mr.  Cook  (to  the  booking-office  clerk). 
Third-class  single  ticket  to  Cannon  Street, 
please,  and  where  do  I  change  ? 

II. — MESSRS.  FREEMAN,  HARDY  AND 

WILLIS  (AT  THE  RITZ  HOTEL). 
Mr.  Freeman  (room  345).  J 
Mr.  Hardy  (room  346).      f  Boots ! 
Mr.  Willis  (room  347).      j 

IH.— MR.  LYONS  (AT  LUNCHEON). 
Mr.   Lyons  (to  Waiter).    Here,    you ! 
Why  hasn't  this  bread  been  aerated  ? 


IV. — MESSRS.  NEGRETTI  AND  ZAMBRA 
(AN  i  WHERE). 

Mr.  Negretti  (to  Mr.  ZAMBEA).  Good 
morning. 

V. — THE  HABBODS  (AT  HOME). 

Mrs.  Harrod  (curiously).  My  dear, 
where  can  one  buy  good  cheese  ? 

Mr.  Harrod  (smartly).  At  the  Stores, 
of  course. 

Mrs.  Harrod  (absently).  What  Stores  ? 

Mr.  Harrod  (automatically).  Army  and 
Navy. 

VI. — MESSRS.  SALMON  AND  GLTJOKSTEIN 
(AT  THE  CLUB). 

Mr.  Salmon  (to  Mr.  GLUOKSTEIN).  Cigar? 
Mr.  Gluckstein  (to  Mr.  S.).  No,  thanks. 


HI 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


:AI-KIL  10,  1907. 


TERMINOLOGICAL    EXACTITUDE. 
Un.T.  "I'M  irtiiD  IT'S  A  'Y»mocTS,'  MI  DUE."  tlr.  T.  "A  ' S ABBOBOCUH,'  m  LO»E,  A  ' 


A  BID  FOR  SYMPATHY. 

1\  a  recent  interview,  Mr.  Goeuno, 
.referring  to  the  proposed  Summer 
Steamboat  Service,  is  n-[«.ri«-<l  to  have 
-.id.  "  If  then-  i»  going  tobearepetitkw 
of  the  kind  of  criticism  we  had  In:-  • 
•nd  the  year  before,  and  if  we  are  to 
liave  incewant  attacks  made  upon  the 
service  by  outside  people,  it  trill  be  quite 
iwtpoffM*  to  make  it  a  niter**." 

But  why  not  a  lew  notice*  on  the 
•teamen  themselves  to  thia  effect?  The 
Britiah  Public  is  always  quick  to  take  a 
hint  "  Don't  jeer  at  the  engine*, 
are  doing  their  beat,"  placed  abaft  the 
funnel,  will,  we  are  quite  certain,  aave 
ibeae  delicate  pieces  of  mechanism  from 
hearing  many  unfeeling  remarks.  Lack 
of  outside  sympathy  will  cause  even  the 
moat  insensitive  engine  to  loae  pride  in 
iu  work. 

To  ensure  a  successful  aeaacn  the 
captain  and  his  crew— or  rather,  ttaff— 
should  alao  be  protected.  Nothing  tells 
so  much  against  perfrct  •eamanohip  :-.* 
the  knowledge  that  the  capta  n  has  not 
the  entire  oonfi  Icnce  of  his  naanniter. 


"  Don't  cough  when  the  captain  misses 
a  pier,"  should  work  wonders. 

We  also  Ii-iirn  that  Time  Tables  are  to 
be  dispensed  with  this  year.  This  "  ini- 
I'piveinent"  is  bound  to  lead  to  unkind 
criticism,  unless  it  is  politely  pointed 
out  that  lime  of  arrival  must  necessarily 
depend  on  the  state  of  the  tide  and  the 
piermaster's  tea-hour.  8huuld  the  cap- 
tain run  into  a  fog  bank  or  shoul  of 
porpoises  and  be  delayed  accordingly, 
let  him  display  the  Syinpatheti. 
parture  notice-l)oard,  on  one  of  the 
gangways.  "  When  you  arrive  at  your 
destination  (or  any  other  death 
you  may  care  to  use)  leave  the  Steam- 
boat quietly,  without  looking  at  your 
\catch." 

Hut  as  many  more  notice-boards  might 
interfere  with  the  view  of  the  lovely 
Thames  Valley  sunsets  (and  every  pas- 
senger expects  at  least  one  of  these  on 
each  trip),  the  UGXL  might  issue  an 
Etiquette  of  tli-  Uiver.  A  neatly  bound 
brochure  (W.,  of  all  n ••]••.  tal.l- 
agentf  containing  the  following  addi- 
tional hints,  would  ensure  a  successful 


1.  \Vheupas8ingalirciikilii\vn  \otiare 
eamestly    i  to  wiv   very   loudly 

so  that  the  rajitain  may  lirar.  "  Sin-  - 
waiting  f"r  ln-r  en^ini^  to  o«il  du\vn," 
i.r  •-I-I-,  "  Hat  i, 

L'.  Tii'S  and  hat   riliUuis  to  match  tin- 
paintwork    of    tin-    str:iiiili.  .its    ar. 
in   the    Uefresliiiient    Salmii.     Buy  one. 
and    encourage   the    Council    by    your 
support. 

3.  Should    >ou     liappen    \<      ; 
i-ni)ity  steiinier  lalthou^h  this  it>  hi^ldy 
iuil>nil)able)   it   i*   quite   uimeoes^uy   in 
inlorni   its  captain   that    there   i-   a   pa-.- 
•wilder   waitiiij,'  at    \Ve-tiuin.-ter  llridp1. 
Such     news     iw     tele|.houed     fi"in     tlie 

pravi 

4.  All  intercourse  Ix'tween  the  general 
public  and  nn-nil'iT-  nf   the  crev.  should 
be  limited  to  the  usual  courtesut!.     An 
occasional     reference     to     the     healthy 
colour  of  the  steward,  boatswain,  and 

i ,    will    not    be 
considered  bad  form. 

'  inl'in  n    in    arms    are    adi 
hut  must  not  criticise  while  the  caj'tain 
is  iH-rlhiiiR  his  steamer  or  hauling   in 
the  log. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APRIL  10,  1907. 


RENOWNfiD   SALISBURY." 


JOHN  BULL.  "WHAT'S  THIS?     'PROPOSED  FOREIGN  OFFICE  MEMORIAL  TO  LORD  SALISBURY?' 
EXCELLENT  IDEA— BUT  WHY  NOT   A  NATIONAL  ONE  TOO?" 


APRIL  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVAEI. 


265 


M.F.II.  (to  enthusiastic  follower  who  is  first  in  at  tlie  death).  "You  KNOW,  JIM,  YOU  SHOULDN'T  BE  A  BUTCHER;  TOO  OOOHT  TO  BE  A 
EBMTUUM." 

Jim.  "ALL  RIGHT,  II'LORD!    I'LL  CHANGE  PLACES  wi'  roc,  AND  I  WON'T  CHARGE  TE  NOTHIN'  FOR  THE  GOOD-WILL  o'  THE  BUSINESS!" 


PARTURIUNT  MONIES. 

THUS  wisely  spake  my  wife  to  me  : 
"  Though  wedded  we  have  been 

Ten  tedious  years,  each  Easter  we 
A  holiday  have  seen. 

"  Gay  Paris  oft  has  been  our  haunt ; 

We  've  had,  too,  as  you  know, 
A  shockingly  expensive  jaunt 

To  sunny  Monaco. 

"  We  've  borrowed  money  (when  'twas 
Lent) 

To  see  the  sights  of  Rome — 
I  shudder  at  the  sums  we  've  spent : 

This  year  we  '11  stay  at  home. 

"  Each  morning  you  shall  write  in  peace 

Some  dainty  villanelle, 
And  thus  we  shall  not  only  cease 

To  spend — we  '11  make  as  well. 

"  Nor,  when  your  holiday  is  o'er, 
Will  you  be  quite  run  down  ; 

But,  with  your  strength  renewed,  once 

more 
You  '11  toddle  off  to  town." 


So  spake  my  wife  with  frugal  mind  ; 

I  listened  like  a  lamb, 
To  all  she  might  decree  resigned — 

And  here,  in  short,  I  am. 

Each  morning  finds  me  at  my  desk, 

Each  evening  finds  me  still 
Awaiting  something  picturesque 

That  may  inspire  my  quill. 

I  struggle  not  to  see  the  sun 
That  lures  me  with  his  tales 

Of  all  the  wonders  he  has  done 
Among  the  Surrey  vales. 

I  struggle,  too,  with  knitted  brows, 

To  keep  my  fancy's  glance 
From  where,  below  the  greening  boughs, 

The  daffodillies  dance. 

I  struggle  not  to  think  of  BHOWN 

Who  loafs  the  weeks  away 
A  thousand  miles  from  smutty  town 

Beside  fair  Naples  Bay. 

I  struggle  to  forget  that  SMITH 

Is  mouching  at  his  ease 
In  puggaree  and  hat  of  pith 

Along  the  Pyrenees. 


I  struggle  (vainly)  not  to  guess 
How  JOHNSON — happy  man ! — 

Is  spending  hours  of  idleness 
Beneath  the  palms  at  Cannes. 

I  struggle  in  a  mortal  throe, 
On  desperation's  verge, 

And  after  all  my  travail,  lo ! 
These  versicles  emerge. 


IT  has  often  been  said  that  sportsmen 
are  not  as  a  rule  very  ready  with  the 
pen.  Yet  in  the  following  passage  from 
The  Field  how  clearly  are  the  salient 
facts  of  the  case  made  to  stand  oat ! 

"In  October  last  a  case  was  l>efbre  the 
magistrates  at  Swansea,  in  which  the  defen- 
dant, whose  dog,  it  was  alleged,  had  worried 
certain  sheep,  should  be  kept  under  control  or 
destroyed,  under  the  provisions  of  the  Dogs 
Act  of  1871." 

Service  Notes. 
The  New  Rifle  Sight. 

"  TO-DAY  with  a  pea  rifle  the  teacher  saw  a 
5-ft.  snake  entering  the  shelter  shed." 

South  Australian  Register. 


HI 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Aim.  10,  1907. 


THE    PALACE    OF    PUCK. 

WHIM  I  eaa  afford  it  I  shall  take  a 
theatre  of  my  own.  Then— not  imme- 
diately, perhaps,  because  there  are  one 
or  two  other  tilings  I  should  like  to  do 
with  it  first  but  some  time  or  other — 1 
shall  invite  Mr.  W  J.  LOCKK  to  produce 
his  /'«/.!<•<  of  I'uek  all  l.y  himself, 
choosing  his  players  and  making  them 
do  what  he  tells  them.  I 
to  find  out  if  he  WM  really  satisfied 
with  the  coat  and  its  performance  at  the 
Hsymarket  Of  course  if  he  WM.  then 
is  no  more  to  be  said.  Hut  then 
•bould  have  to  assume  either  that  he 
does  not  understand  his  own  pi 
that  /  don't — the  one  an  uncivil,  the 
other  an  entirely  uncritical,  assumption 

The  play  is  a  little  fantastic  piece  of 
fairyland,  hsving  no  relation,  in  its 
characters  and  details,  to  real  life.  Some 
bint  touch  of  bygone  worlds  there  may 
be  in  it,  a  touch  of  Mount  in  the 
Bohemians,  a  touch  of  Dicnm  in  the 
Philistines,  but  nothing  nearer  to  the 
world  M  we  know  it  than  that  The 
theme  of  the  play,  which  is  the  opposition 
of  the  artistic  and  I'hilistine  tempera- 
ments, is  actual  enough :  the  critics 
who  found  that  old-fashioned  we 
wrong :  the  words  may  be  catch-words 
of  which  we  are  weary,  but  the  things 
are  eternal  in  civilisation.  The  present- 
ment, however,  is  entirely  unreal,  the 
people  are  symbols  of  qualities,  not  real 
people  st  all.  The  Philistine  attitude 
to  life,  symbolised  chiefly  by  an  in- 
credible merchant,  is  compelled  to  sojourn 
for  a  week  with  the  artistic  attitude  to 
life,  symbolised  by  equally  incredible 
artists,  and  the  sojourn  has  a  wonderful 
effect  on  it.  It  is  a  pretty  idea,  now 
and  then  marred  in  the  writing  by  a 
rather  bald  facetiousness,  and  a  little  too 
thinly  spread  out  but  on  the  whole 
carried  through  many  scenes  of  charm 
and  humour  to  a  conclusion  of  happy 
sentiment 

Clearly-  which  means  that  I  think  so, 
anyhow— in  such  a  play  the  artists 
should  have  been  made  fantastically 
beautiful,  the  Philistines  fantastically 
grotesque.  Hut  with  one  or  two  • 
lions  the  actors,  on  the  first  night  at  the 
liaymarket,  fulfilled  nothing  of  this 
requirement,  unless  that— I  do  hate 
finding  fault  the  ladies  could  not  help 
being  beautiful.  They  insisted  on 
being  M  real  M  they  could.  There  WM 
Mr.  FUD  Ken  for  example.  His  great 
gift  M  an  actor  is  that  be  is  "con- 
vincing," exactly  like  a  score  of  men  you 
know— and  that  was  just  what  WM  not 
wanted.  As  the  impossible  mMrtont 
be  WM  made  to  My  manv  grotesque 
things:  "I  disapprove  :•  • 

everything  «m*|i*.  Ti  timing  Line  and  his 
suburb.    Of  course  he  ought  to  have 
a   frock-coat,  cut    short,  a 


truding    white    waistcoat,     and    comic 
trousrn- :    Mr.    Hum   was   dp-ssod    like 

:it    oil 

•  scene  i-  b  cha 

teau).  that    is    to   My,   like  a   man   win 

•    Iked    a    Krc.it    deal    iilxnil 

ttle,  very  likely,  alxmt  art.  am: 

busini 

And    so    1 

life  saving    im|««vil.l.-   things.      . 
originally  announced  that   Mr.   11 
was  to  play    tins   part.     I   should   hav< 
immensely  to  see  him  in  it:   it  is 
.put.-  unlike  anything  I  have  seen  him 
do,    hut   with   his  rt-nr  and   sense  ol 
fun  he  ought  to  have  made  a  delightful 
grotesque  of  it. 

I   think    the    merchant's   wife,   Mr* 
I'odmort,  should  hare  been  a  grot 


Mr.  Fred  Kerr  (at  Chrutopher  Podmore,  vho 
Mono*  to  a  period  before  lounge  milt).  "  I  my, 
I  don't  like  this  costume.  There  don't  seem 
to  be  any  pocket*  to  pat  my  hands  in !  " 

Mr.  Ben  Webtter  (at  Max  Kiadore).  "  Look 
bow  beautifully  I  manage  it !  " 

also,  but  that  evidently  Mr.  LOCKE 
shirked,  making  her  merely  a  chann- 
ng,  unappreciated  woman,  not  really 
I'hilistine  at  all,  and  so  spoiling  the 
balance  of  his  play.  Miss  MAHIOX  TEHBY, 
lx>iiig  Miss  MAMON  TERBY.  had  more 
charm  and  grace  than  all  the  pro- 
essedly  artistic  people  put  toosmer, 
mil  was  in  no  need  of  conversion  at 
ill.  It  \vas  ridiculous  to  be  told  that 
[even  in  Stoke  Toolington  :  these  j"k<-> 
about  the  suburbs  are  really  rather 
thread-bare,  Mr.  LOCKE)  no  one  hi«. 
made  love  to  her  before.  Miss  Mi  HUM 

uiorre  Man  artist's  model,  called  7 '!<•• 

because  she  wore  a  lo\.! 
Ireas,  WM  beautiful    enon-h    Imt  not 
antastic  at  all    She  showed  genuine 
ndignation  at  the  merchant's  insults, 
and  was  genuinely  touched  when  : 
n  lore  with  her— all  very  nice  acting  if 
t  had  been  in  a  different  sort  of  play. 

Hut   I  will   not  go  on  finding  fault. 


Mr    HEX  WEWTEB  had  s  touch  of  tho 

fanta.-tii-  :isa  Clloriv  playing  "dreamer," 

and   Mr.  I  /'.   it,  the   presiding 

the  \\hi'lc  affair, had  a  great 

deal  of  it.     S>  far  a~  tin-  acting  went  he 

saved  the  play,  and  if   only  lie  had  lx>en 

. -d  I iy  a  lighter  coiniilian 

in   Mr.  1'ixlmnrf'.-'   part  ....  Well,   well. 

Mr.  I>M  M:  must  remind  me  of  his  fantasy 

when  I  ha\e  taken  my  theat: 

That  is,  if  he  agrees  with  my  criti. 
If  not,  he  needn't  trouble. 

ROYAL  AND  ANCIKNT   I.It  HITS. 

(Ax  ESSAY  is  THE  IRHELEVANT  m 
GOLFING  EXPEHT.) 

CoNBrDEHABLF.     excitement      has 

aroused    on    the   Siinningcomlie    Links 
during  the  Faster  holidays  l>y  tlie  rumour 
that  SANDY  AucHTERMUCim  had  In •• 
vegetarian.     Inquiries  1  •!   the 

rumour  to  be  correct,   and    tho    facts 
revealed  furnish  a  most  interesting  mm 
mentary  on  the  psycho-]'!  •  if  the 

thinking  golfer.  .V  <  mi  KMI  <  niv,  as  we 
need  not  remind  our  readers,  is  not  only 
a  very  fine  player,  buta  profound  U-liever 
in  the  reaction  of  mind  on  matter.  The 
other  day,  after  a  light  lunch  of  Im-ad 
and  cheese, he  found  that  he  putted  with 
exceptional  accuracy.  Bxperimaniiag 
further  on  the  same  lines,  he  gave  up 
meat  for  two  or  three  days  ana  found 
that  his  game  improved  in  every  depart- 
ment Bread  and  cheese,  milk  and  nuts 
now  form  the  staple  of  his  diet.  Hrforc 
a  match  he  calms  his  nerves  with  a  dose 
of  phenacetin,  and  Iwfore  going  to  bed 
he  smokes  one  pipe  of  bromo-<  'avendish 
— the  well-known  Chatsworth  1 
Golfers  being  essentially  an  imitative 
tribe,  the  effect  of  his  example  on  the 
Sunningcombe  amateurs  has  been  most 
striking;  and  whereas  the  average 
weekly  consumption  of  sloe  gin  used  to 
be  about  4,000  pints,  it  has  now  dwindled 
to  less  than  500.  _ 

Is  piano-playing  good  for  golfers? 
The  result  of  a  pUbitciU  of  scratch 
amateur  players  recently  held  oy  Tin- 
Week  F.nd  is  lint  exactly  conclusive,  hut 
is  most  interesting  as  a  rc\ elation  of 

individuality.  Mr.  Ml'RE  FEU' 
judiciously  observes  :  "Anything  that 
tends  to  expand  the  mental  hori/«>n  and 
1  e  the  ii-sthctic  sense  of  the  golfer 
must  ex  ij  .haiiee  his  ellicieiicy. 
1'hi1  golfer  should  aim  at  U-ing  urhane. 
not  •obnrban.  I',  i-  :.ill\  I  fmil  that 
in  hour's  practice  at  CHOPIN'S  Htii.li-n  is 
in  indispensable  preliminary  to  a  serious 
natch."  

Mr.  J.  L.  Low  also  strongly  recom- 
mends the  piano  as  promoting  delicacy 
)f  manii'iilation,  hut,  on  the  other  hand, 
AXDREW  KiRKAUa  condemns  it  as  an 
enervating  pursuit.  "  Hie  good  golfer," 


APRIL  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


267 


ARMS    AND    THE 


Mrs.  Flanagan.  "  \V F.I.I.,  I  SUTOSK  WE'LL  soov  BE  HAVING  POLICEWOMEN,  AND  THEN  YOU'LL  BE  OUT  OF  A  JOB." 
/'.  i     Flanagan.  "No,  MY  DEAR,  I  FANCY  YE 'I.L  FIND  THE  STHBONO  ABM  OF  THE  LAW  WILL  ALWAYS  BE  WEARIN'  : 


THE   TIIBOUSERS! 


he  remarks,  "should  be  a  man,  not  a 
\v!i.'v -faced,  long-haired  ivory-tickler.'1 
BEN  SAVERS,  somewhat  irrelevantly, 
eulogises  the  bagpipes  as  the  only 
instrument  worth  cultivating ;  while 
MASSKY,  the  famous  Biarritz  professional, 
waxes  lyrical  on  the  charms  of  the 
tambour  de  Basque.  HARRY  VARDON  says 
that  he  prefers  the  pianola,  as  you  can't 
get  a  good  stance  on  the  pedals  of  a 
piano ;  but  Mr.  EDWARD  BLACKWELL 
thinks  that  LESCHETITZKY'S  method  un- 
questionably makes  the  wrists  stronger 
and  suppler,  and  even  goes  so  far  as  to 
recommend  that  pianofortes  should  form 
part  of  the  equipment  of  every  golf  club- 
house in  the  kingdom. 


Great  and  general  sympathy  is  felt 
for  Mr.  MAX  BAMBEROER,  the  famous 
Beckenham  amateur,  in  the  sad  mis- 
fortune that  befell  him  in  a  recent  club 
match.  Mr.  BAMBERGER,  who  stood  one 
up  at  the  sixteenth  hole,  sliced  his  ball 
out  of  bounds  into  the  pigsty  of  an 
adjacent  farm.  On  endeavouring  to 
recover  the  ball,  Mr.  BAMBERGER  was 
seriously  bitten  by  a  large  Berkshire 
hog  and  is  still  confined  to  his  house. 
What  renders  the  outrage  peculiarly 
distressing  is  the  fact  that  the  fanner 


refused  to  pay  compensation,  and  even 
expressed  an  inhuman  satisfaction  at 
the  temporary  discomfiture  of  the 
eminent  amateur. 


We  understand  that  an  interview  with 
ANDREW  KIRKALDY  on  "The  New  Theo- 
logy "  will  shortly  appear  in  The  Daily 
Chronicle,  not,  as  has  been  incorrectly 
stated  in  some  of  our  contemporaries,  in 
The  Hiblert  Journal.  KIRKALDY,  as  think- 
ing golfers  are  well  aware,  not  only  holds 
original  views  on  teleological  problems, 
but  has  the  faculty  of  expressing  them  in 
a  most  pungent  and  excoriating  style. 


GRADATION. 

[An  alarmist  has  suggested  that,  with  the 
multiplicity  of  subjects  for  which  Degrees  are 
nowadays  conferred,  we  may  soon  have  Masters 
and  Bachelors  of  Cookery.] 

As  Father  Time  his  passage  wings, 
We  prize  more  highly  certain  things  : 
A  comfy  chair,  a  cosy  fire, 
Epitomise  the  heart's  desire ; 
The  feeling,  too,  in  prandii  itinere, 
That  all  is,  as  it  ougnt  to  be,  culinary. 

My  cook  was  all  a  cook  could  be  ; 
He  'd  got  an  Honours'  chef  Degree — 


The  "  to-a-turnness  "  of  his  chop 
Brought  him  out  very  near  the  top ; 

And  nobody  was  ever  known  as  quick 
as  he 

At  frying  up  a  fritter  or  a  fricassee. 

Of  course,  with  such  a  skilful  one, 
My  dinner-parties  went  like  fun  ; 
My  social  reputation  grew 
More  than  was,  possibly,  its  due  ; 
You  couldn't  find  more  palatable  chicken , 

ham, 

Et  cetera,  from  Temple  Bar  to  Twicken- 
ham. 

Alas,  it  all  is  over  now ; 
One  day  he  broke  it  to  me  how 
He  'd  had  an  unexpected  "  call " 
To  abdicate  the  Servants'  Hall. 

"  I  fear,  Sir,  I  must  shortly  quit  '  The 
Rookery,' 

To  take  up  a  Professorship  in  Cookery." 

And  so  I  'm  left  disconsolate ; 

Just  at  this  moment,  on  my  plate 

Lie  four  potatoes — every  one 

Abominably  underdone. 
A  cookery  professor !     Of  absurdities 
The  wildest    and  absurdest,   'pon   my 
word,  it  is ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AMUL  10,  1907. 


OUR    SERIAL    STORY. 
i  iv 

Cimot  AWAT  BT  Wiij.-m  L*  Qun\ 
:  iitturs  Omani 

IJC  Quid  trotted  hit  leg*  and  lit  a 
eJMjvttc. 

MM  btyin.  OpPEVHUV, 


What  was? 

\ha! 


!  V-I-KII."   he  ln-gall. 

Hie  stranger  turned  sharply,  as   if   h» 
Oh.  don't  Ixither   tO   kii-p   it  up    had  Urn  hiltet.  .me  time  reply 

1  'm   in  the  Inide   |..>      And.    ing, 


the 


•aid.  tritt  a  watt  of  hit  l> 

•ur  roam.  Sir,"  mid  the  hall  porter 
at  the  Hotel  Inrritablr.  as  he  threw 
the  door  with  a  AW 

In  a  moment  my  mind  WM  made  up. 

"  I  will  take  it 

In  the  light  of  what  happened 
wards  I  have  often  wondered   »! 
WM  that  stayed  my  foot  at  the  instant 
that  I  waa  about  tocroas  the  threshold  of 
the  room.    Can  it  have  been  chance  only. 
or  did  something, 
some     unknown 
spiritual  force, warn 
me  that  my  fate  WM 
waled  the  moment 
that  the  door  of  317 

icluaed  upon  me? 
Had  any  living  man 
•qggmted  to  met  liat 
ineucharenpectal.il 
I  juidon  hotel  as  the 
InrrilMf  a  deadly 
drama  could  work 
taelf  out  in  *• 
[  should  havi 
Uughed  hin 
scorn. 

But.  whatever  the 
the  fact  re- 
mains that  for  an 
instant  I  drew 
bark,  and  in  that 
instant  something 
bappened  which 
changed  the  current 
of  my  though  u 
entirely,  and  wa* 
destined  to  influ- 
ence the  whcJe  of  my  after-life. 


witn  me, 

l>y   the  way,  don't    you   think   that 

.1  little   lul 

.•r\)»dv  start.-*  that  \\a 
thought 

;%.  All    right,    then,    do   it 


Is  Q.   Xo,  no     I  didn't  mean      1  think 


I   in  afraiil  you  have  made  a  mistake, 
my  gixnl  man."     Ami  then,  ;us   the  light 
fi-11  iipnii  tin-  upturned    fare  of  th> 
a  start. 

"/•/••ii/ii  im.    Why? 

\>uf\it.  Aha  ' 
"/>.   Oh.   you   i-isi't    take   in   me.     Hut 


,  . 

-.    gi.id    U-ginning.      1    assure    really,  in-!      llou 

But  if  a  slightly    many!  mares  have 

haml   might  I..-  allowed  to  suggest    we  ha  i  :    think?     One  million  ? 


.  something  in 
Don't  yon  think  .  . 

..•; 

Aa  these   words 


this  line.  •  T«n  million  V     No,  I  think  we  had  better 

!•• !  Binning  ns  I  had  it. 

Is  y.  ('.in,iil,-ring    1    was   doing   l\n< 

sort  of  tiling  '  rn 

i:   .• .       \ji-:  '•    li-ave   tin- 


the  stranger  withdrew  his  eyes  from  the 

A  woman  had  entered  the  corridor,  house  opposite  him,  and  ran  them  over 
She  WM  young;  and  I  felt  that  there  the  remainder  of  the  well-huilt  residence* 
WM  something  foreign  in  her  appear-  that  formed  the  square  in  Uayswater  into 
-  though  of  what  nationality  I  could  which  Chance  had  that  moment  driven 

him.  "Confound  it ! "he muttered  tohim- 


attend  in  a 

f  mingled  donht   and   iiiuvrtainty.    begUUling  r,    if  you    like,   and 

•ill    to   the  plot. 
.  idea. 
Then  •  rnmn 

In-  's 

really    an     Kngli>h 
nobleman,  l>ut  any 

how  he  i--  ill  [>O8Bee- 
-ionol  a  secret  aKmt 
the  invasion  o!  : 
land  tiv  Germany, 
ami  the  ri.-ing  of 
hundreds  of  thou- 
sands of  wai 
and  he  has 
caught  liy  two  Ger- 
mans and  is  U-ing 
slowly  j-.i-.oned. 
So  ho  hand*  the 
secret  on  to  the  hero 
who  plays  cricket 
for  his  i -i  unity.  And 
the  hero  wins  over 
the  heroine  U)  hid 
side  —  she  was 
really  an  American 
in  league  with  the 
in-rii.iins  amlwith 
her  help,  and  the 


Ckiplfigk,  the  Seulflor  (a*  tie  follmrt  hit  eoIoMo!  j/roup  to  the  Royal  Aeadrmy) :  "  THET  MIT 

K    IT,   »CT  TOET   CA»'T  1OSOU  IT. 


not  determine. 


Iler  hair  w.\s  of  a  shade 
and 


help  of  The   Daili/  Mail,  all    is   saved. 

And    the    i  man    recovers 

There,  what  do  you  think  of  that? 

Men. 

IMI./;:/».;I./V.    Well,  I 
' 


. 
considering    all    t'h  .r 


like  that, 

^  ......  P  ..  •  •-••-fii.iiii^diiiji.ii      if  •(/     V0     QOJ16    JOT 

rown   and    golden,   and    the  self,  for  he  had  a  Imd  habit  of  udking  Germany  ami  7V,.-  Drily  Mail. 

yet   firm    outline   of    her   feature*  aloud,  and  which  he  had  long  meant  to  Is  <,'                                                 >  plore 

that   it  WM  obvious  that    1  cure  himself  of, "  if  I  cannot  find  which  of   new    fields   now   and    then Now, 

s  presence   of   no  ordinary  these  houses  is  the  one  I  am  looking  for,  listen  to  thLs.     Thi>  r.-allv.  though  I  say 

Joet  for  a  moment  I  WM  able  I  shall  have  to  look  alx.ut  f..rsome  other  it  m\                  arming.  '  Quite  charm- 

umed  impreanon  of  her,  way    of    obtaining   the   information   of  ing.  '.  .  .  .  Th  -n •  i-  a  man  a  very  wicked 

nd  then  ahe  WM  gone,  which   I  am  so  hadly  in  need.     I>-t  m-  man,  who  moves  in  Sx-icty  and' is  really 

ilh  a  neti 'air  of  determii,  -,"  and  he  drew  out  again  a  dirty  and  a   king  of  t                And'  he  owns  the 

Die  hall  porter,  and  drew  out  rnimj.led  ;                                     .  ,,1,-d  whole  of  this  London  square  I  WM  tolliBfl 

••ppwlmaston,  an-fully  to  Mudy  it    hy  the  light  of  an  you  of ;    and   he  has  a   ,.,,.-:,matic  tube 

otU open  room,  adjacent  lamp  which  I  ,,,„,  azpkin  jus.  now,  and  a 

,iid.  f.r  ineMOond,  ,.,lt  a  sit  butler  and  a  telephone,  and  he  hide*  dn 

rening        But    this  ler,60h.p..  )x-autifully  lilted  Napier  j.-wd,  ,.f  a  well  known  S.-i.-lv  I,  -autv  in 

ly,and«.th   in.  throbbll  :  th.-s()uar.-,  the  desk   <-f  his   rival     and     "        wefl    I 

I  had  a  mind  and  a  quietly-dress.  .1   f.-.tman   jumped  mean,  it '«  all  frightfullv  exciting  and  I 

room-  -it  and  came  stniigh'                him.  Jljr  think,  OP.,  old  chap,  thatyou  and 


APRIL  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


269 


I  could  make  rather  a  good  thing  of  it. 
Eh? 

Op.  But,  good  Heavens,  LE  Q.,  it's  all 
so  old  and  hackneyed.  No,  no.  Now 
if  you  and  I  were  to  tackle  my  story — 


Be  this  as  it  may,  however,  it  will  be 
welcome  news  to  the  admirers, both  young 
and  old,  of  that  thoroughly  English 
institution,  the  Christmas  pantomime, 
that  the  reception  of  Slndbad  the  Sailor 
you  could  do  the  foreign  complications  lias  been  such  as  to  justify  Mr.  Am  HI  H 


part,  and  1  'd  l<«jk  after  the 
and  the  style  and  so  on,  and 


grammar  I  COLLINS   in   contemplating  a   somewhat 


Le  Q.  (producing  a  revolver,  coldly).  I 
beg  your  pardon  ? 

>.  (producing  kit).  Really,  LE  Q.,  you 

' 


similar  venture  for  the  winter  of  1907-8. 
It  is,  of  course,  too  early  as  yet  to  speak 
on  the  matter  with  any  degree  of 
assurance,  but  we  arc  happy  to  be  in  a 


didn't  think  I  hadn't  one  too,  did  you  ?      position   to   state    that,   should   present 

]A'  (J.  (mthcr  annoyed).  WThat 's  the  i  intentions  be  carried  out,  the  novelty 
matter?  I  just  took  mine  out  to  polish  will  in  all  likelihood  be  founded  upon  a 
it.  Well,  I  suppose  we  'd  better  each  well-known  and  popular  legend,  which 
write  our  own  book,  as  we  evidently  is,  we  understand,  to  be  treated  rather 
c.-.n't  agree  on  even  the  simplest  in  a  humorous  than  a  realistic  spirit. 
points.  I  shall  call  mine  The  Secret  of  Further  than  this  it  would  at  this 
the  Kijumv.  and  I  don't  mind  telling  you  juncture  be  obviously  indiscreet  to  go, 
that  1  shall  let  WHITE  publish  it.  but  we  may  be  permitted  to  indicate  a 

Op.  (triumphantly).  I 
shall  call  mine  The  Secret 
quite  simply ;  and  what 
about  WARD,  LOCK  for  the 
publishers  ? 

Le  Q.  (carelessly).  Op. 
193. 

Op.  (still  more  care- 
lessly). My  one  hundred 
and  ninety  -  fourth  Le 
Queuilleton. 


Mr.  AI.F.X\ND::R  with  a  piece  of  a  some- 
what, similar  character  to  those  in 
which  author  and  manager  have  already 
been  so  beneficially  associated.  Should 
however  the  play  in  question  when 
completed  prove  unsuitable  to  Mr. 
ALEXANDER'S  requirements,  wo  have 
reason  to  believe  that  precedence  may 
lie  given  to  a  work  of  strong  emotional 
interest  by  a  dramatist  who  has  not 
hitherto  obtained  a  hearing  in  London  ; 
though  it  is  obvious  that  the  claims  of 


from   the   French,   or   a 
of  the  earlier  successes 


DRAMA  OF  THURSDAY: 

OR,  L'ART  DE  RIEN  DIRE. 

i  With  acknowledgment*  to  The 

Daily  Telegraph.) 

WHILE  the  phenomenal 
success  of  the  recent  Pan- 
tomime at  Drury  Lane  was 
happily  such  as  to  show 
no  appreciable  sign  of 
diminution,  the  approach 
til  midsummer,  and  the 
existence  of  prior  engage- 
ments on  the  part  of  the 
principal  artists  con- 
cerned, are  all  factors 


an  adaptation 
revival  of  one 
of  the  St.  James's  Theatre,  are  by  no 
means  to  be  overlooked,  while  there  is 
more  than  a  possibility  that  opportunity 
may  be  taken  for  the  presentation  of  a 
Shakesperian  production  of  an  unusually 
attractive  character. 

All  information  appear- 
ing in  this  column  is 
strictly  copyright. 


"  KRANKIE,  DEAB,  I  DON'T  THINK  TOO  HAVE  WASHED  TOUE  MCE  AKD  HANDS 

I   TOLD   TOD   TO." 

"  No,  MA  ;  BUT  I  VE  DUBTBD  THEM  TBBT  CAREFCLLT." 


OWED  TO 
PHONE 


A  TELE- 
GIRL. 


"  But  though  I  listen  to  thy 

voi-hoi-hoice 
Thy  face  I  never  see." 

Old  Ballad. 

GIRL  of  the  ever- varying 

voice — 

Now  cheerful  as  a  black- 
bird's song, 
Bidding     the     wakened 

world  rejoice 
In   summer    sunshine, 

hot  and  strong, 
And  now  a  very  Fury's 

yell 
That,  hearing,  I  have 

inly  raged, 
Knowing    of     old— alas, 

too  well — 

It    means,   to    all    my 
pleas :  Engaged  ! 


which  Mr.  ARTHUR  COLLINS  is  too  astute  a 
manager  to  leave  out  of  consideration. 
This  being  the  case,  it  will  occasion 
the  playgoing  public  no  surprise  to 
learn  that  the  National  Theatre  has 
closed  its  doors,  not  to  re-open  them 
until  the  expiration  of  a  period  whose 
length  will  of  necessity  be  dictated  by 
circumstances.  When,  however,  this 
welcome  event  takes  place  we  have  every 
reason  to  believe  that  the  management 
of  Old  Drury  will  be  discovered  to  have 
provided  for  their  patrons  an  attraction 
of  a  most  interesting,  and  at  the  same 
time  unusual,  nature.  In  view  of  a 
recent  protest  we  refrain  at  present  from 
the  publication  of  further  and  more 
detailed  particulars,  contenting  oursches 
with  the  assurance  that,  before  long, 
readers  of  "Drama  of  Thursday"  will 
once  more  have  occasion  to  acknowledge 
the  verity  of  our  prognostications. 


possibility  that  room  will  be  found  for 
the  inclusion  in  the  musical  score  of 
such  melodies  as  shall  between  then  and 
now  have  commended  themselves  to  the 
popular  taste. 

Rumour  has  of  late  been  more  than 
usually  busy  with  the  prospective 
arrangements  of  Mr.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER. 
Happily  however  we  are  now  able  to 
set  speculation  at  rest  by  the  authorita- 
tive announcement  that  for  a  successor 
to  Mr.  SUTRO'S  present  successful  play 
(when  in  the  natural  order  of  things 
one  shall  be  required)  the  popular 
County  Councillor  will  be  found  to  have 
turned  again  to  a  source  which  has 
before  this  supplied  him  with  material 
for  certain  of  his  conspicuous  triumphs. 
To  put  the  matter  more  plainly,  one  of 
the  most  distinguished  of  our  leading 
playwrights  has  within  the  last  few 
days  received  a  commission  to  furnish 


Who  are  you,  pray  ?    Do  you  and  I 

In  tubes  or  buses  ever  meet, 
Or  pass  each  other  idly  by 

As  total  strangers  in  the  street  ? 
Or  are  you  composite,  and  not 

A  maid  of  curious  moods  that  run 
From  heavenly  sweet  to — you  know  what, 

But  several  girls  who  speak  as  one? 

A  piquant  problem  !     But  to-day, 

When  messages  not  mine  I  get, 
Whilst  all  my  own  you  send  astray, 

Making  confusion  wilder  yet, 
My  int'rest  turns  to  passion  fast, 

Until  I  simply  long  to  view 
Your  face,  0  fair  Unknown,  at  last, 

And  tell  you — what  I  think  of  you ! 


The  New  Geography. 

Schoolmaster.  Where  is  the  Amazon  ? 
Boy.  In  Holloway  Gaol. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


10,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(Hy  Mr.  1'uncii'i  Staff  of  Learned  L'ltrkt.) 

Mr  I:    'A    «  'IUMIOB  was  right  in  g.-  ••»  new  and 

novel.  |>u 

T\f  f'i</'i'i"9  Chanft,  in  the  singular;  although  his  moat 
delightful  hero  is  represented  M  on;  :   them 

O)  taa  dunce  of  conquering  an  inherited  tactc  for ... 
(2)  the  chance  of  winning  the  hand  of  a  lady  who  is  betrothed 
to  somebody  else.  For  the  second  "  fighting  chance  "  was  a 
my  aoft  thing,  nearly  all  the  hard  work  being  done  by  tin- 
lady  herself.  Thi*  charming  Sylcia  belongs  to  a  virginal 
type  unknown  outside  America.  At  one  time  she  will  risk 
her  reputation  by  a  haardoua  tryst  with  her  1>\>  r  in  a  dark 
corridor  in  the  dead  of  night;  at  another  she  will  "turn 
scarlet  to  the  hair,"  and  be  stunned  by  "the  del 

of  the  suggestion,  advance!  by  the  man  whom 
t<>  marry  for  his  wealth,  that  he  has  a  fancy  for 
to  be  born  to  inherit  it. 

The  author   gives  an   admirable   picture  of    life   in  an 
American  country-house  during  the  shouting  season.     < 
it  would   KVIII     r    In.  ;ire  shot   in  and    (lit*  guns. 

male  and  female,  have  the  habit,  intolerable  to  Knglish  taste, 
of  recording  in  the  gunroom  books  their  own  individual 
achievements,  showing  the  proportion  of  game  killed  to 
cartridges  expended.  Among  the  minor  diameters  is  an 
incredilile  I.uji-li  lord,  who  does  little  beside  laughing 
raucously  and  blinking.  The  following  is  one  of  his  rare 
remarks:  "Gad.  she's 
well  rid  of  him  if 
been  choking  her  this 
long— the  rank,  rotten 
weed  that  he  is,  sapping 
the  life  from  her,  so 
when  she  hung  • 
toward  another  fellow's  — 
bosh  we  thought  she  was  frail  in  the  stem-  Cod  bices  us  all 
for  a  simpering  lot  of  blatherskites !  "  This  is.  of  course, 
flood  enough  for  American  consumption,  and  Mr.  < 'HAMUKKS 
has  to  keep  up  the  anti -Knglish  bias  which  helped  U> 
popularise  some  of  his  earlier  work  in  his  own  country ;  but 
if  ne  wants  to  avoid  making  himself  ridiculous  in  the  eyes 
of  enlightened  readers  over  here,  he  should  try  and  in.i'-t  a 
peer  or  two  before  he  attempts  to  reproduce  their  methods  of 
:  '  '. 

There  is  little  intentional  mirth  in  the  book,  but  the 
struggles  of  a  wealthy  fur-emu  to  wedge  himself  into  an 
aristocracy  of  New  Yorkers,  whose  exclusiveuese  is  taken  by 
themselves,  and  the  author,  very  seriously,  furnish  a  rich 
element  of  undesigned  humour. 

Mr.  PECHM'S  delicate  drawings  add  greatly  to  the  charm 
of  a  work  that  is  sure  of  a  wide  success. 


And  restored  your  lock*,  which  bristling  rose, 
To  their  naval  sleek,  recumU-nt  j 

i  '11  thank  your  stars  that  the  tal.  IP, 

1  .juaff  a  bumper  • 


One  of  the  things  that  'inglet* 

\'icl  M.   1'.    WILLO  <  'ii/Vniii    I'l-iirlet't 

sermon  iu  the  village  tain-made  ut  l'h:dlacimd>c.  "The 
preaching  of  a  fearful  joy  to  most, 

especially  to  the  guilty  •  :  tain 

••*   of    t-!  the    congregation,    the 

writhing  victims  of  which  v  i.ed  by  the  rest  of 

audience  with  a  gl.v  nut  unmixed  with  dp-ad."  Hut  I  don't 
know  that  it  is  fair  to  specify  this  im-ici-  •  book  is 

full  of  good  things,  and  in  particular  it  contains  n-markably 
subtle  picture  of  a  woman  who  is  a  living  typhoon  of  small 
emotions.  The  village  atmosp! 

this  figure  off  by  way  of  contrast,  but  it  ,  -utli- 

ciently  de\erl\  maile   :  ite   rather   than   frame   it.      I 

keep  a  little  li.-t  of  names  which  are  worth  looking  out  for  on 
book  covers,  and  1  have  a«hled  that  of  Mi>s  Wi, 


JANE  WAHIH.K,  in  The  Artistic  Ten,, 

shows  a  distinct   power  of  recording  .My. 

It  is  u  power,  that   is  to  sjiy.  ra:li.-r  pi   de,eril,m,, 
types  than  of  creating  new  ones,  but  it   is  done  so  well  that 
every  now  and   then   y.m   seem  almo.-t    to   h..  •  H-m. 

They    are  not    particularly  pleasant  but 

.  don't  want 

to    put   the  Ix-ik    down 
till  you  have  finished  it. 
I  am  not  quiv 
to   which  of    the    char- 

;   .*c.|        to 


THF.    FNI>    OF    THE    SEASON. 


In  I'oiton  Island  (Sunn,  KIJCR)  yon 
Will  find  precisely  the  kind  of  brew 

i  readers  do  well  to  expect  from  "  Q." 
Mysterious  mariners  scheme  and  plot 
For  buried  treasure  concealed  at  a  spot 
That 's  shown  on  a  travel-stained  parchment  map 
Posstesed  by  a  drunken  sea-captain  chap. 
The  captain  is  scotched  by  a  mate,  and  he 
Himself  goes  after  the  £  i.  d. 
But  not  Ull  the  due  (as  is  only  rv 
Has  managed  to  come  to  the  hero  s  sight. 
His  friends  assist ;  there 's  a  frantic  chase ; 
Murders  happen  all  over  the  place ; 
And  incidents  press  on  the  crowded  stage 
'I  ill  the  final  word  of  the  final  page. 

•vhen  the  ultin  •  r  's  read. 

And  you  've  mopped  y  ••«  and  co  ->oad, 


arti-tie     - 

peranieiit.       Js    it    the 
away     by     tlie  .•     ,,f 


Kuburban    lady    who,    carried 

the    artistic    world,    falls    in    love  with 'a   painter   friend   of 

her  husband's?     Or  is   it  the  painter  himself,  w: 

her  portrait,  aud  gradually  breaks  faith  with  his  jl,t, 

Or  is  it  tho  young  man  in  the  City,  who  cuts  lite: 

from  the  weekly  papers,  and  brings  the  liaison  to  a  d 

with  a  revolver?     lam  not  sure  which,  and   1  don't   I 

that  it  matters  much,  for  JANK  WAII;  ;.md 

and  uses  a  very  legible  kind  of  ink.  and  that  .-  the 

thing.     By  "the   way.   why   JAM.?     Wouldn't    Jon 

more  accurate  indication  of  the  autl. 


Not  even  a  Shilling: 

AMOXO  Hie  Times'  book  bargains  ore  day  l.i-.t 
its   own    A.  B.  \\    s  volume  of   l>ramatic   erit.. 
what?     Five  pounds  and  cheap  at  that?     No,  el, 
This  strikes  the  outsider  as  U-ing  neither  paternal  nor  kind. 

THE  difficulties  and  discouragements  which  meet  the 
almanac  compiler  at  every  turn  are  hardly  realised  by  the  un- 
initiated. On  page  185  of  our  U'/ii/./  ,d.  under  the 

heading  "  Religious  Creeds  of  Prisoners  :  " 

"Th«  religiou*  convictions  of  one  ;  .-uirertoinrd, 

*•  li«  wu  unforUmatelr  gufTiring  frum  dflirinni  i 

And,  as  a  consequence,  the  statistics  for  tho  year  are  com- 
disorganised. 


THKRE  was  an  in  '/'/„•  /;,-,«  the  other  day  for 

•i  I'"-  iiipany,  "  i.r.-vious  experience  nnne<-es~ 

'lie     Management     to    ;.  '1'ing 

We  an-   s-rry    to   damji    thi-w  a.-piratioii 
regular   theatre-goen,   we  can  assure  the  ,.nt 

the  thing  has  been  rieus  j.-u  for  a  long  tii 


APRIL  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


271 


"  STRAIGHT  o:<  TII.I.  YOU  COMB  TO  'No  THOROUGHFARE';  up  TIIAT  AND  TURN  TO  YOUR  LEFT  DOWN  'FORBIDDEN  TO  CYCLISTS;'   LEFT  AGAIN 

ALONG   '  STRICTLY   PRIVATE  ;  '    SHARP   TO   THE    RIGHT  THROUGH  THE   WOOD   MARKED   '  TRESPASSERS   WILL   BE  PROSECUTED  ;  '   THEN   ASK  A  BoBliY." 


MR.  PUNCH'S  CITY  COLUMN. 

THE  Money  Market  was  in  rather  a 
depressed  condition  to-day.  Consols 
fell  a  sixteenth — partly  on  account  of 
rumours  of  a  Suffragette  revolution  and 
partly  because  the  hints  that  Mr. 
CHURCHILL  will  be  offered  a  Cabinet 
position  still  continue. 

American  Rails  were  very  dull  on  the 
announcement  that  Mr.  ROCKEFELLER 
purposed  giving  ten  millions  to  educa- 
tional work  in  the  States.  It  was 
thought  that  this  signifies  an  all-round 
reduction  in  shareholders'  dividends. 

Newspaper  shares  were  lifeless,  the 
dearth  of  interesting  murders  and 
the  superabundance  of  Mr.  HALDANE'S 
speeches  placing  the  control  of  this 
market  entirely  in  the  hands  of  the 
bears.  British  Weeklies  alone  offered  a 
passive  resistance  to  the  efforts  of 
operators  I'm-  the  fall. 

The  £300,000  ton  per  cent,  loan  issued 
by  the  City  of  Bagdad  has  been  taken 
up  eagerly  by  local  investors.  It  is 
understood  that  the  prospectuses  were 
not  distributed  as  usual  through  the 
post,  but  left  at  capitalists'  houses  by 
the  Bastinado  Guard,  with  the  intimation 


that  the  Head  Impaler  would  call  next 
day  for  applications. 

Marked  activity  was  observed  in 
Westminster  Collieries.  The  extent  of 
the  boring  increases  daily,  and  it  is 
felt  on  the  market  that  something  may 
eventually  come  of  it.  There  are 
rumours  of  large  buying  of  deferred 
shares  by  a  powerful  waste-paper 
syndicate. 

A  decided  spurt  took  place  in  Empire 
Diamond  Fields.  The  report  of  the 
Company's  expert,  that  though  the 
property  does  not  appear  diamondiferous 
yet  the  seventy  square  miles  of  desert 
would  make  an  admirable  camel  or 
ostrich  farm,  being  regarded  as  a  bull 
point.  The  pound  shares  were  quoted 
at  l|rf. — 2d.  (ex  dividend). 

The  fall  in  Amalgamated  Air-ships 
continues.  Wall-papers  stick  much  as 
they  were.  Bleachers  are  still  colourless. 
The  purchase  of  Exeter  Hall  by  a  cater- 
ing syndicate  was  regarded  as  a  bull 
point  for  breweries  and  distilleries,  and 
caused  a  sympathetic  rise  in  De  Beers. 
Chatham  and  Dovers  were  slow  to  move. 
There  was  a  disconnected  demand  for 
National  Telephones. 

A  rumour  that  Mr.  G.  B.  SHAW  and 


Mr.  ZANOWILL  would  both  join  the 
Directorate  of  the  new  Times  Publishing 
Trust  made  no  difference  at  all. 

ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

"  PRIVY  COUNCILLOR." — The  letter  you 
send  from  Messrs.  HOPE  AND  HONOUR  pro- 
mising a  weekly  dividend  of  £12  2s.  3d. 
on  every  five  pounds  invested  is  not 
altogether  to  be  relied  upon.  You  had 
much  better  lose  your  money  through 
a  respectable  member  of  the  Stock 
Exchange. 

"  SPECULATOR."  -  Sorry  my  advice 
regarding  Klondykes  misled  you.  Owing 
to  a  printer's  error  my  advice,  "  Sell  for 
the  fall,"  appeared  in  type  as  "  Buy  for 
the  rise."  These  little  slips  will  happen. 
Cannot  say  how  low  Klondykes  will  go, 
but  should  say  about  sixty  degrees  below 
zero. 

"  OIL  KINO." — The  difference  between 
bulling  and  bearing  shares  is  this :  If 
you  are  a  bull  you  buy  in  hope  of  a  rise 
and  they  fall ;  if  you  are  a  bear  you  buy 
in  hope  of  a  fall  and  they  rise.  Of  course 
you  need  be  neither  bull  nor  bear,  but 
simply  purchase  shares  as  an  invest- 
ment. Then  they  usually  cease  paying 
dividends. 


VOL.  cxxxn. 


PUN' 'If.    "K   'NIK    1-<'M)MN 


[Areit  17,  1907. 


I'orb   (Tromrr. 

GBUT  are  the  wonders  that  thy  ! 

,  ,     .        .  .;.;•••.  .tii.    Sil 

1     .  :!•>:.         :.:.!-•:       '•   \  ••• 

To  stand  in  majesty  far  < 

Yet  where  is  wonder  greater  than  the  reign 

<  >f  this  wise  Governor,  who,  trained  for  war, 

Laid  healing  handa  upon  a  nation  a  * 

And  stablished  peace  with  plenty  in  her  tram  .' 

O  ancient  Egypt,  by  whoso  aleeplesa  «<««1 

Yon  mighty  fanes  uprose  in  ages  dim. 

Cemented  by  ten  myriad  toilers'  blood     - 

Which  of  thy  rulers  may  compare  with  him 

Who  raised  the  poor,  undid  the  oppressor's  wrong, 

And  act  the  throne  of  Justice  high  and  strong? 


NATURE    STUDIES. 

THE  MOTOR  1 

I  turret  to  be  exceptionallv  well  situated  for  studying  the 
habit*  of  the  Motor  Bus  f"r,  living  as  I  do  within  easy  hail 
of  thelloman  Catholic  Cathedral,  I  hav,-  only  to  stroll  int.' 
Victoria  Street  at  any  moment  of  the  day  to  see  dozens  of 
these  vehicles  Uiumping.  clanking  and  snorting  their  swift 
and  gaudy  way  to  or  from  Westminster.  Vanguards.  <  tenenk, 
and  I  know  not  what  other  types :  for  weeks  and  months  past 
I  have  beheld  these  gigantic  excrescences  upon  our  modem 
civilisation  tearing  furiously  and  inexorably  through  the 
crowded  traffic,  and  I  think  I  0111  now  qualified  to  pronounce 


upon  them.  1  do  not  propose  to  take  a  side  in  the  dreadful 
quarrel  now  raging  between  the  haughty,  nervous  and 
delicate-nosed  inhabitants  of  South  Kensington,  let  us  say, 
and  the  defiant  proprietors  of  these  motor  cars  for  the  million. 
If  it  be  true  that  South  Kensington  is  to  become  a  depopu- 
lated waste  because  wheels  make  a  noise  and  petrol-engines 
a  p~J',  I  fear  that  no  effort  on  my  part  can  prevent  the 
catastrophe.  I  shall  watch  with  interest  the  slow  dwindling 
of  the  Cromwell  Road,  the  attenuation  of  Queen's  Gate,  and 
the  disappearance  from  human  view  of  Rowland  Gardens 
and  the  Boltons,  confident  in  any  case  that  I  shall  still  have 
the  Albert  Hall,  the  Memorial,  the  Museums  and  the  Brompton 
Oratory  to  fall  back  upon  in  times  of  trouble. 

What  chiefly  strikes  me  about  the  Motor  Bus  is  this: 
wherever  I  have  investigated  it  I  have  never  seen  it  without 
a  complement  of  passengers,  and  yet  nowhere  have  I  beheld 
it  pick  up  any.  Dauntless  old  gentlemen,  for  whom  the 
London  streets  seemed  to  hold  no  terrors,  have  placed  them- 
selves in  advantageous  positions,  and  have  waved  angry 
umbrellas  and  shouted  "  Hi-hi !  "  at  the  top  of  their  admirable 
British  voices;  old  ladies  have  courted  death  l>y  stepping 
timidly  out  into  the  street  in  front  of  the  advancing  monster, 
and  then  flying  back  to  the  shelter  of  the  pavement  so  as  to 
express  by  an  appropriate  pantomime  their  desire  that  the 
monster  should  stop  —but,  as  a  matter  of  fact. the  monster  never 
has  stopped.  Sighs,  imprecations,  the  agitated  umbrellas  ol 
men,  and  the  lifted,  imploring  hands  of  womanhood,  have  all 
been  in  vain,  for  the  Bus  lias  gone  by  without  replenishing 
its  burden.  Why  is  this?  Whence  comes  this  amazi 
dislike  of  the  Motor  Bus  to  the  picking  up  of  passengers " 
And,  further,  bow  comes  it  that,  in  spite  of  this  dislike,  no 
Motor  Boa  is  ever  empty?  I  submit  these  questions  t"  a> 
intelligent  public  in  the  confident  expectation  that  it  will  I* 
found  impossible  to  answer  them. 

As  I  walked  slowly  homeward  last  night  along  V 
Street  I  was  passed  by  a  Motor  Bus.    It,  too,  was  proccediiiK 
slowly,  for  the  street,  owing  to  a  recent  fall  of  rain,  was 

The  hour  was  late  and  there  were  few  other  vehicles 


d  at  that  !   irticiilar 

say   the  Oiunr  '-*ly  -'"id   >"  a  M  might   line, 

rarjn  -iati..n.     Suddenly,  close  by  the 

\nil,  med  to  waver.    Then,  gathering 

m., re,  it    pr.mced    skittishly    forward    with    a 

•idling  motion,  and   finally,  pirouetting  round  until   it   need 

\Ve>lmin-ler.  m    a     kind     of     diaheveUed 

amazement      like  a  -ear.  ,|  mastodon.      It  had  skidd.-.!,  l.ut  the 

'    ,  M.lently  found  it  unprepared.     Nothing  c.  uld 

have  e,|u.dle,l  the  htuous  solemnity,  uie  ahnosi  .t.-.l 

uilh    which    it  .  lii-hed    the   mamriivre.   and 

nothing  c..uld  have  Uvn  more  grotesque  than  its  manner  of 
ing.  It  seemed  to  shout  loudly  for  help  ;  1  alm.-M  heard 
it  •  -.illinjj  the  sjnvlators  to  witness  that  after  all  it  had 
U-haved  with  dignity  and  propriety  under  circumstances  that 
might  have  upset  the  li—t  hred  Hu^  in  the  world. 

When  next  1  am  told  that  the  Motor  Hus  has  come  to  stay, 
I  shall  permit  myself  to  |miut  out  that  the  only  moment  when 
[myseUl                           •         'was  after  it  had  skidded  and  1"M 
its  head.     Ordinarily  it  does  not  stay:  it  goes  very  rapidly 
somewhere  else,  and  carries  with  it  only  such 
arc  under  n  contract  to  inhabit  it  permanently.     And  tl 
the  .MiKine  that  has  lowered  the  rents  and  ruined  the  pence  of 
Siuth  Kensington! 

"WHAT  OFT  WAS  THOUGHT." 

f"  I  HOJ*  you  will  soon  recover  from  yoor  disposition."— Extrael  from 
a  private  letter.] 

0  OLORIOCB  sentiment !     Oft  would  I  grope  for  it— 
Scarcely  dared  hope  for  it, 

Hardly  could  think 

'he  feeling  my  soul  was  so  frequently  smitten  with 
Could  have  Ixvn  written  with 

So  little  ink. 

Jut  now  has  my  thought  found  the  voice  that  it  sought, 
And  tho  phrase  has  been  brought 

To  my  ken, 

rhrough  the  strangest  of  haps,  by  the  lapse  of  a  chap's 
Untutored  and  letterless  pen. 

When  JONES,  who,  whenever  he  feels  conversational, 
Grows  educational, 

Starts  to  recall 

The  crimes  of  the  Board  and  its  red-tape  futilities, 
Storming  his  fill  at  his 

Bete  noir,  Whitehall ; 

When  he  raves  of  Clause  3,  or  of  Circular  R 
When  at  paragraph  D. 
The  man  moans, 


Then  I  long  for  the  lore  to  restore  you  once  more 
From  your  disposition,  dear  JONES. 

When  BBOWN  starts  to  talk  of  his  friends,  ALFRED  TEXXTSOH, 
MM  HICK  (FRED  DENISON), 

TOMMY  ('MM 

MAT  AUXOLD,  BOB  BROWSIXQ-    his  intimate  talks  with  them, 
Long  country  walks  with  them 

Mile  after  mile  ; 

When  he  tells  how  they  mar.  .1  at  the  sallies  ho  scored 
When  they  met  at  BOB'S  board 

Up  in  town, 

I  wish— yes,  I  do !— I  knew  how  t<>  cure  you 
Of  your  disposition,  dear  BROWS. 

When  SMrrBT.  opens  out  on  his  family  hist.  : 
\\onderfnl  m\  • 

Full  .'f  romance 
Tells  of  the  peers  that  the  SMYIHKS  are  related  t<>, 

••••en  mated  to 
Monarehs  of  France; 


o 


g 

o 

w 
D 

-d 

H 

8 

o 

X 

3 
o 


I 1          J— I 

H   3 


C3Q 

^ 
O 


H 

i 


s 

o 


p 

o 


Amu,  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


275 


X 


A   JEST'S    PROSPERITY. 

Dealer.  " THAT'S  ONLY  HIS  FCN,  SIR." 

French  Humourist  (retiring  promptly).  "  RATHER  woui.n  I  MAKE  7.T.  JOKE  MYSELF. 


I  LIKE  NOT  ZE  FUNNY  HORSE." 


When  he  hints  that  the  term  non-SMmiE  connotes  worm 

Only  fitted  to  squirm 

And  to  writhe, 
What  would  I  endure  to  be  sure  of  a  cure 

For  your  disposition,  dear  SMYTHE. 

AY]  icii  I,  in  a  moment  of  insight  that  frightens  me 
Whilst  it  enlightens  me, 
Suddenly  learn 

How  I  carp  at  the  friends  of  my  youth,  picking  holes  in  them, 
Cursing  the  souls  in  them, 
Each  in  its  turn ; 

When  I  see  that  I'm  all  turned  to  wormwood  and  gall, 
Though  I  've  small  enough  call 

To  talk  fine, 

I  cry  (and,  no  doubt,  others  shout),  "  What  about 
This  vile  disposition  of  mine  ?  " 


BARGAINS   THAT  MAY  COST   YOU   MORE. 

UNDER  the  heading  "Bargains  by  Post,"  one  of  our  con- 
temporaries (a  bright  little  sheet  called  The  Daily  Mail) 
advertises  a  number  of  really  useful  and  desirable  things,  such 
as  coal,  pianos,  roll-top  desks,  and  "  four  Rooms  Furnished 
Complete."  Without  exception  the  sellers  are  making  a 
sacrifice,  and  the  buyers  are  assured  of  a  bargain. 

The  advantage  of  the  new  method  of  shopping  by  post  is 
enormous,  especially  to  the  Post  Office.  Take  the  simple 
illustration  of  coals.  A  ton  of  coals — and  no  self-respecting 


householder  would  order  less  than  a  ton — direct  from  the 
colliery  should  cost  something  like  22s.  6d.  If  the  purchaser 
decides  to  have  these  sent  to  him  by  letter  post,  he  may 
receive  them  in  one  parcel,  the  postage  of  which  at  inland 
letter  rate  will  be  £37  6s.  8d.  Should  the  purchaser  reside 
abroad,  postage  would  be  £746  13s.  4d.  for  any  country 
not  a  British  Colony  or  Possession.  In  either  case,  the  fee 
for  registration  would  be  twopence  extra.  By  parcels  post, 
however,  the  postage  would  be  less.  For  addresses  inland 
£10  4s.  would  cover  it ;  the  rates  for  foreign  lands  vary, 
and  our  space  is  as  limited  as  our  capacity  for  statistical 
computation.  But  in  the  case  of  parcel  post,  as  a  limit 
of  11  Ib.  is  set,  the  ton  of  coals  would  have  to  be  sent  in 
204  packages,  which  would  be  absurd.  These  calculations 
are  made  on  the  assumption  that  the  postage  is  prepaid. 
The  charges  would  be  double  if  the  postage  were  not  pre- 
paid. We  are  not  strong  enough  to  work  it  out  exactly,  but 
we  calculate  roughly  that  the  penny  stamps  required  for  a 
ton  of  coals  by  post  would  extend  in  a  single  strip  from 
Punch  Office  to  Piccadilly  Circus  and  a  little  bit  farther. 

A  ton  of  coal,  then,  would  cost  anything  from  £38  9s.  4d. 
to  £747  16s.  It  will  be  obvious  to  our  readers,  therefore, 
that  "  Bargains  by  Post"  is  a  column  worth  watching.  We 
may  perhaps  add  that  pianos  would  come  a  little  cheaper 
than  coals,  if  the  purchaser  had  no  particular  choice. 


GOING  ONE  BETTER    THAN   MR.  JESSE  OOLONGS. —  Senator 
Foraker.     But  what  has  he  done  with  the  cow? 


IN 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVAIII. 


[Aran.  17.  1907. 


LITTLE    SHOWS    FOR    LARGE    WINDOWS, 
in. 

I  XEH>  hardly  explain  that,  when  I  wrote  last  week  of  on 
enterprising  Commercial  Concern  to  which  I  ventured  to 
ilnnk  my  suggestion  would  recommend  itself,  I  was  referring 
to  The  fimrtlkvk  CM, 

There  nmld  w-.m-.-ly  be  a  nxire  idn»l  stage  for  a  Quad 
Spectacular  Bali  »*,-nH-iit  than  the  ground-floor  of 

thaw  palatial  premiaea  in  Oxford  •!  th.r. 

be  any  amount  of  room  for  it,  when  «>iu-c  tin-  "  light  • 
bookcases  •      ."  the  stacks  <>f  •   I ;..    Inter 

national  Cook  Book  "  (the  "  Bargain  for  Today  "  at  5«.  9d.) 
and  the  birge  double-culumn  placards  contrasting  the  ht.-r.in 
merit  of  American  works,  containing  six  hundred  pages  and 
fifteen  plates,  at  2*.  4d.,  with  that  of  effete  English  fiction, 
with  nn  more  than  450  pages  and  a  mere  frontispiece,  have 
been  cleared  out  of  the  wuy.  I  do  not  presume  to  offer  my 
own  arrricea,  becauae  I  am  too  well  aware  that  the  Manager 
can  get  a  suitable  piece,  infinitely  cheaper  and  of  superior 
quality,  from  tin-  I 'nii.il  States. 

I  merely  submit  the  following  little  sketch  as  an  illustra- 
tion of  what  miijht  be  done. 

Let  us  call  it: 

THE  DEMON  PUBLISHER 
AND   THE   FAIRY   TEMPORA. 

THE  Oromm  (A  Dark  Scene)— A.  Mine  of  Wealth.  Beyond 
the  Dreams  of  Avarice. 

The  Demon  Publisher  is  discovered  in  a  lurid  crimson 
glow,  making  eight  hundred  per  cent.  (I  <lo  not  net  exactly 
BOW  hf  fan  be  repretented  at  doing  thii — but  the  Management 
irill,  to  THAT  i«  of  no  contequence.)  Enter  the  Fairy  Tempora. 
She  bos  a  round  open  face,  divinely  pole,  on  which  crowded 
hours  of  glorious  life  have  loft  their  imprint,  and  large 
white  wings  (thrte  timid  be  enrily  constructed  out  of  the 
advert  itement  tliceti).  She  carries  a  golden  wand  surmounted 
by  a  spread-eagle. 

She  has  come  to  plead  the  cause  <  f  I  Jt<  rature.  She 
conjures  up  a  vision  on  a  tninsj«renry  in  the  background, 
of  a  group  of  Retired  Kajor-Qcaetala,  Rear-Admirals,  Widows, 
and  Country  Clergymen,  all  lovers  of  Literature,  but  debarred 
from  purchasing  net  Iwoks  second-hand  for  a  period  of  six 
months  from  publication  ! 

Demon  Publisher  unmoved.  She  announces  her  intention 
to  sell  them  "  unspoilt "  copies  at  once,  and  at  a  ruinous 
sacrifice.  The  Demon  harshly  forbids  her  to  do  anything 
of  the  kind.  Knter  his  Creatures  and  Minions,  the  Authors 
and  Booksellers.  In  her  despair  the  Fairy  appeals  to  them, 
declaring  that  her  sole  desire  is  to  deliver  them  from  the 
Tyrant  who  is  holding  them  in  thraldom.  Under  the  Demon's 
evil  influence  they  refuse  to  believe  her.  After  intimating 
to  them  and  the  Demon  that  she  is  determined  to  achieve 
her  purpose  at  all  costs,  she  retires,  more  in  sorrow  than 
anger.  Authors  and  Booksellers  perform  a  dance  of  infatuated 
homage  before  the  Demon  Publisher  as  the  scene  closes. 

8cm  II.  (in  the  adjoining  vindotc) — An  Open  Market. 
Booksellers1  stalls  in  background.  On  left,  the  D.  P 
A  crowd  of  Retired  Major-Generals,  Ac.,  discovered  in  the 
hut  agonies  of  Literary  Famine,  waiting  patiently  for  a 
toor-ond  «iipcnny  novel  to  come  down  to  one-and-twopence. 
How  long?  How  long? 

Enter  the  Good  Fairy,  who  expresses  indignant  sympathy. 
A  band  of  Authors  march  on,  blowing  their  own  trumpets. 
Again  the  Fairy  appeals  to  their  good  feeling. 
interaU.    In  vain.    They  intimate  coldly  that  they  too  have 
their  living  to  make,  and  do  not  aw  their  way  to  desert  their 

:     . 
' '         '•        •   '  '  : 

Bent  on  relieving  her  starving  prvteyee,  the  Fairy  now 


assumes  various    •  under    which    si  tin- 

Demon   Publisher's   den    and    attempts   tn    lay    in    stores   on 
subscription    '  '     I'.    is    s.-en    lowing    her    nut 

j«.litely,    empty  handed.      She    has    failed    once   more! 

touch  the  K...K  sellers,  but  they   inform  her,  in 
••mime,   thai  they  can  only   simply  her  with  singlet 
at  the  same  price*  as  tin-  (  !.-n.-r.d  Public. 

Kather  than  endure  the  crie>  of  her  faithful  follow. 

i  \i-n    to   the>e    har.-li    term-.      She    purchases   c..p> 
after  :     and    di-tnhiite-,   them,   unsoiled,   at    s<-c"iid 

hand  ; 

Their  |>angs  are  assuaged  f<  r  the  momeif  \;ithor* 

and  rs  look   on    with   cynical   s;r  but    tin- 

poor   Fairy    n-.di-es    tli.it    tin-.,    though    magnificent,    i*    not 
bnaineai;  she  i-  merely  playing  into  their  and  the 

hands     and  liesidcs.  even  a  fairy  purse  c.mnot  -land  the  (train 
for  an  indefinite  jwriod.     She  must  find  some  other  wea| 
Suddenly  she  waves   her  wand.      A  convoy   of  gilded 
comes  in — like  /iWum-'*  coach  in  '  'ynni»     carrying  abundant 
supplies  of  cheap  and   filling  American  fiction.     The  Major- 
(leneraN.   etc.,  sei/.e  on   them  with  avidity.       The  Fami: 

i  at  l.i-t  !  and  the  I  >emoli  and  his  Minions  quail  visibly 
as  they  sec  the  crowd  rapturously  c\pri>-ing  their  ama/.einent 
at  flu-  iiuality  of  their  new  fare.  'run. 

SCENE  III.  (in  tlie  vindow  round  tlie  corner).-  In  Qu. 

Enter  a  Procession  of  Unemployed  Authors  and  Boukat-1 
with  iKinners  and  collecting  I* 

They  complain,  in   dumb  show,   that   it    is   they  who  are 
starving  now.      Thanks  to  the  Fain-,  the  entire  Book-loving 
Public  has  acquired  such  u  passion  far  Transatlantic  fiction 
that  they  have  lost  all  taste  for  the  less  brainy  articl- 
I  lome-iiuiii  u  facture. 

Enter  the  Demon  Publisher,  also  in  reduced  circumstances. 
The  IVmonstration  curse  him  bitterly  in  by-play  us  the 
cause  of  all  their  misfortunes.  He  seeks  to  regain  his  lost 
ascendency  by  specious  representations  that  if  they  will  only 
have  courage  and  stick  together  all  may  yet  be  well. 

At  this  crisis  the  Fairy  Tempora  re-appears.  She  mutely 
reproaches  the  Authors  and  Booksellers  for  their  failtn 
recognise  her  as  their  best  friend,  but  indicates  that..-\.n 
now,  though  the  eleventh  hour  is  drawing  nigh,  she  is 
prepared  to  forget  and  forgive  —  on  condition  that  they 
renounce  their  degrading  allegiance  to  the  1  lemon.  The 
Authors  are  seen  to  waver.  Presently,  like  the  gentleman 
in  Nicholas  Xiekleby'i  drama,  they  "  r.vollect  to  have  heard 
a  clock  strike  ten  in  their  infancy,  burst  into  tears,  and 
become  exemplary  characters  for  ever  afterwards." 

Throwing  themselves  at  the  Fairy's  f.-et.  they  penitently 
implore  her  to  take  their  works  henceforth  on  her  own  terms, 
and  she  graciously  assures  them  of  her  patronage  and  pro- 
tection so  long  as  they  succeed  in  plea-ing  her  and  her 
subscribers.  The  Retired  Major  ( !.  m-nds,  Rear-Admu 
Widows,  and  Country  Clergymen  rush  in  and  fold  the 
reclaimed  Authors  once  more  to  their  bosoms. 

A  corn*  ile  ballet  of  Minor  Book  Club  Fairies  dan.-.- on  to 
share  tlieir  Principal's  triumph.  The  IVmon  Publisher, 
ballleil  and  forsaken  by  all  his  dependants, sinks  ignominimisly 
through  the  earth,  while  the  Hwksellere—  (/  confctt  I  1'uul 
mytelf  in  rather  a  difficulty  /iciv.  /  ain't  fur  tin-  life  of  me 
tee  WHAT  tlie  Bookseller*'  business  it  to  [»•  <it  thi*  d.-noument 
.  .  .  .  lloicever,  I  daresay  the  .Mninnji-r  <>f  the  T.  H.  <'.  icill 
it Ule  it  for  them.  77m(  it  H  <!<tnil  n(  minor  importanei 
lony  at  the  curtail.  '••>  on  a  tableau  rcpreicntiinj  the 

Fairy  Trmpora  in  n  /./.ic,-  ,,f  ,jlm-ir. 

And  yet,  as  I  said    1  iia\e    mi-givingH    that    thin 

••will  never  have  the  honour  of  Ijcing  produced 
by  th.   T.  P..  i  .cut.      It   is  all  right  as  far  as  it 

but  I  f.-ar  tlieir  Manager  will  consider  that  it  docs  not  go 
quite  far  enough.  F.  A. 


APRIL  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


277 


THE   XKWKST  JOURNALISM. 

THE    CRIMINAL    LITF.IJARY   AGKNCY 
(IJMlTKIn. 

Aildrcus:  Crimes,  London. 

e  \n. :  '2  Hop. 
Head  <)fifcn:  Stomviittc-r  Street. 
I'rnnrh  Offices:    Penlonrillf,  Dartmoor,  Parh- 
liurst,  Wormwood  Scrubs. 

Pi  AH  SIK.  We  beg  to  inform  you  that 
we  are  now  making  our  Spring  Contracts. 
The  C.  L.  A.  is  the  only  agency  of  its 
kind,  and  has  been  founded  to  mod  I  lie 
wants  of  Editors  who  desire  ex-convicts, 
murderers,  and  burglars  to  write  their 
reminiscences.  Wr  enclose  herewith  our 
new  circular  for  the  season. 

We  catch  the  convict  at  the  prison- 
gates,  just  as  his  time  is  up,  and  retain 
him  exclusively.  Our  list  includes  some 
of  tlic  most  miserable  blackguards  of 
(lie  age.  By  our  process  they  become 
heroes. 

Wire   I   MURDERED  HENRY   JlMM. 

By  ex-convict  Y  234. 

The  JIMM  murder  was  the  cause 
celebre  of  fifteen  years  ago.  The  man 
who  did  it  was  sentenced  to  penal  servi- 
tude for  life,  as  his  case  was  taken  up 
by  a  well-known  firm  of  solicitors,  whose 
speciality  is  the  reprieving  of  criminals. 
Here  ex-convict  Y  234  relates  the  thrill- 
ing story  afresh  with  delightful  touches 
of  humour.  Price,  £10  10s.  a  thou- 
sand words. 

Do  YOU  THINK  I  WAS  GDILTY  ? 
By  William  Bludjohn  (ex-convict  W3213). 

WILLIAM  BLUDJOHN  was  arrested,  tried 
and  found  guilty  twenty  years  ago  for 
the  murder  of  three  policemen,  his 
brother,  and  his  sweetheart.  There 
were  extenuating  circumstances  at  the 
time,  and  BLUDJOIIN,  who  has  never 
ceased  to  protest  his  innocence,  was 
sentenced  to  twenty-five  years'  penal 
servitude.  Everybody  loved  him  in 
the  prison,  and  he  rose  to  be  the  con- 
fidant of  the  Governor.  lie  has  just 
been  released,  and  we  promptly  got  hold 
of  him.  "  Do  you  think  I  was  guilty  ?  " 
might  be  truly  described  as  a  Sikeo- 
logical  romance. 

00S  In  connection  with  this,  editors 
could  offer  £100  for  the  best  reply  to 
the  engrossing  question,  "  Was  WILLIAM 
BLUDJOHN  guilty  ? "  Price  same  as 
above,  or  by  the  yard  if  desired. 

COSVICT  CHARLIE'S  COLUMN. 

This  is  quite  a  natty  idea  in  popular 
journalism.  CONVICT  CHARLIE  is  the  veil 
behind  which  a  famous  swindler,  forger, 
and  thief  hides  his  identity.  It  is  a 
change  from  the  insipid  "  Chats  to  the 
Chits,"  or  "  Talks  for  the  Tots,"  though 
it  is  modelled  on  the  same  lines.  CONVICT 
CHARLIE  discourses  easily  on  such  subjects 
as  "How  to  Forge  a  Signature,"  "How 
to  Crack  a  Crib,"  "How  to  KiU  a  Warder." 


Cabby  (to  whom  'cellist  lias  handed  a  shilling).  "  Woi's  THIS,  GUV'NOK?  " 

Musician.  "  YOUR  FARE." 

Cabby.  "  MY  FARE  ?    AND  WOT  ABART  THE  FLCTE  ?  " 


He  has  been  called  the  WILLIAM  LE  QUEUX 
of  prison  romance,  for  he  is  the  author 
of  that  delightful  story  which  ran  for 
two  vears  serially  in  The  Home  Weekly 
-"  The  Bloodstained  Cell." 

CONVICT  CHARLIE'S  Column  will  double 
the  circidation  of  any  paper  in  a  week. 

Testimonial  from  an  ex-convict  who 
was  an  ex-editor :  "  I  used  to  read 
'  CONVICT  CHARLIE'S  Column '  every  week, 
so  that  I  thought  I  'd  try  some  of  his 
dodges  myself.  I  did.  Now  I  am 
earning  £6  Cs.  a  week  from  you  for  my 
prison  recollections." 


Price  £20  a  column.     It 's  worth  it. 

We  have  also  on  hand  a  number  of 
fraudulent  financiers  whose  time  has 
expired,  and  who  are  busy  writing  for 
us.  We  can  hire  these  out  to  syndicates 
to  use  as  they  wish.  They  are  useful  for 
week-end  parties  in  country  houses. 
The  peerage  loves  them.  They  can 
write  anything,  and  they  are  adepts 
at  using  the  same  material  in  dif- 
ferent forms  according  to  the  different 
papers. 

Terms  on  application  to  the 
CRIMINAL  LITERARY  AQENCT. 


rn 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Aroii.  17,  1907. 


THK   \V.\STKr.l-S   AUAIX. 

Mm.  Pmra.— For 
Thorn**  WM   a    faithful 
our  family.     Humble, 
efficient,  he  did  his  work  K>  quu-tlv  and 
id  to  ••?,"  Never 


:      •   •  :  - 

:•     •  '  • 


•o  well,  that  as  cook  used 

in  thia   world  I  ne  the  ekil   o   that 

•:.-.;.  • 

Bat  ahw.  be  waa  too  good  for  tins 
troubled  sphere.  And  an  end  waa  put 
to  our  bliss. 

One  cold  dawn  Thomas  act  forth,  BO  it 
ia  suppoafd.  to  catch  hi*  morning  mouse. 
In  the  aenii-obecurily  ..f  tin-  lanlt-r  he 
eocoontered  «•«•*,  who,  in  an  unhappy 
moment,  •topped  on  Thomaa  "unbe- 
knownst." 

I/-t  us  draw  a  veil  over  th.it  scene. 
Conk  is  a  personable  woman  ;  atnl  it  is 
well  known  tlmt  on  such  occasion*,  the 
more  hearty  tin-  c,"k,  tin-  less  hearty  the 

\n<l  HO  it  was  hrtv. 

To  cut  short  a  liarrowing  story,  after 
two  days  of   suffering   Thomas    turned 
his  face  to  the  wall  ami  made  a  good  end. 
Now,  Mr.  I'tineh,  mark  what  follows. 
My  own  idea  was  that  a  simple  soap- 
box  should    nxvive   the   dear   remains, 
and  that   they  should  IN-  buried  in  some 
green  nook  in   the  kick  yard,   with   a 
short  inscription    Mich  as    "Furry    Imt 
Faithful"   rudely  i-.irv.--l  over  it.     Such 
would  have  been  a  fitting  resting  plaiv 
lor  one  ao  trusty  and  BO  unassnmi 
Cook  wanted  something  more 
ami.  while  the  meet  ing  was  still  unde- 
cided, a   kitchen    maid,  who   possessed 
the  susceptibilities  of  a  motor  I m 
signed    Thomas's    mortal    part    to   tin 
uncouth  hands  of  the  Corporation  dust 
man;   by  whom   it  was  spirited  away, 
in  the  ignoble  company  of  sardine  tins 
and  Chicago  tongues,  to  a  neighbouring 
bin. 

Your  readers  may  not  be  aware  that 
it  ia  the  custom  of  some  Municipal 
Corporations  to  remove  the  refuse  of  the 
city  to  some  secret  spot,  where  undis- 
turbed they  may  work  their  wicked  will 
upon  it.  The  will  of  the  local  tyrantH 
of  the  community  fmm  which  I  write, 
and  which  Thomaa  once  adorned,  is  to 
convert  the  spoils  of  their  grubhings 
into  bricks,  by  subjecting  them  to  a 
hi^li  pressure. 

Oh,  Thomas,  Thomas,  is  this  thy  fate? 
This  the  guerdon  of  thy  laborious  life; 
ittalions  of  luin-.  m--t  dutifully 
shun?  Thou  art  a  brick.  Notdif? 
Tom,  from  other  bricks.  Bearing  u|«m 
thy  smooth  face  no  word,  no  mark,  no 
little  sign,  to  tell  how  much  of  honesty 
and  worth  has  been  packed  (under  high 
pressure)  into  so  small  a  compass. 

Nay,  worse ! !  We  know  not,  Tommy, 
no,  not  even  cook,  into  what  space  (given 
sufficient  pressure)  thou  wilt  compress. 

Thou  mayst  be  only  half  a  brick  ;  and 
to  what  base  uses  put ! 


I       So.    Mr.    runrli.  pray    allow    in- 

inyour  mv.du 
scandal,  and  ot>: 

p.8. — Oi  "I1S-     Ont> 

chance  that  crass  stupidity,  and 
official  greed,  may  ov.r  P  id .  then 
and  find  their  schemes  recoil  upon  their 
own  heads. 

In  your  ear,  Mr.  ftutth,     rrom  what 
we   know  of  Ti  I   think   he  will 

make  an  indifferent  brick. 

Head  the  following  lines,  Mr.  Ptmofc, 
and  wit-p. 

Our  Thomas  was  a  cat  of  parts, 
Well  versed  in  every  trick, 

r  of  more  than  feline  arts  — 
In  brief  he  was  a  brick. 


•lathes  and   friends.     Anirmia,  I 

:iit  mil,  is  a   malady    incident 
,  |i\.  it-y.  and   nothing  is 

.  U-nelicial  to  it  a  06  Kuddy 

'diet-   in  tuosi/.t-sof  Uix,  Ix.aiid  . - 
i  IIIII/K ix  of  liver-,  I    should   say  that  be 
k    thirty  live     l-.itNs    of    my    world- 
lous   Hdc  Champagne,  a  remeily  that 
as    nevi-r    been    known    to    fail.      Alto- 
ether,  I  think  you  will   agn-e   with   me 
lat  the  burglar  chose  well,  and  is  likely, 
hatever   his   moral    future    may    : 
vc  long  aud  healthily.     I  am, 
Y< 

.1  \ 


t  ine  day  he  heard  the  augds  call, 

And  fivling  deadly  sick, 
He  turned  his  whiskers  to  the  wall, 

And  ceased  to  be  a  brick. 

The  IVirough  Council's  minions  came 
And  took  the  carcase  quick. 

And  underpressure  (Shame!  Oslmme' 
K.-duced  it  to  a  brick. 

But  not  the  kind  ho  was  before 

They  did  this  dastard  trick  ; 
Thomas  is  not  himself  once  more, 
lie  is  <inot/ur  brick! 


THK   LATEST  ADVKHTISIXG. 

AUVKHTISKKS  who  dislike  paying  money 
for  n-flainr  should  take  pattern  liy  tin- 
ingenious  Mr.  .Ions  LVNK,  of  the  Bodley 
1 1  ad.  Mr.  LVSK'S  premises  being  recently 
rillitl  by  a  burglar,  he  took  occasion  to 
send  to  the  \Veflmlnstfr  (iaztlte  an 
account  of  the  depredations,  enumerating 
therein  the  books  which  were  missing 
with  a  particularity  that  on  any  less 
exciting  occasion  might  have  cost  bin 
several  pounds. 

\Yecx|itvt  to  see  other  folk  with  wares 

to  sell  following  suit.     Indeed,  one  has 

already  done  so,  as  the  appended  li-tter 

which  we  have  just  received,  indicates: 

MEDICAL  BURGLARY. 

SIR, — You   will,  I  am  sure,  be  Imtl 
inten-sted  and  pained  by  the  story  whicl 
I  have  to  tell   you.      On    reaching   my 
premises  this  morning  I  found  that  they 
had  U-«-ii  visited  during  the  night  by  a 
burglar.     His  choice  of  my  articles  was 
.rious    that    1   cannot  refrain  fron 
telling  you  all  aUnit  it.     Of  the  famous 
I'.iin  Kill'-r,  1».  \\<l.  large  lx>ttle,  he  tool 
twenty   In  it  ties,  or  enough    to  cure   any 
complaint  there  ia  (even,  1  ho|x>,  ac'|iii>i 
I  It  also  took  two  huge  album 
full   of  testimonials  from  thousands  o 
people  to  whom  this  I'.iin  Killer  haa  been 
a  boon  unspeakable.     He  took,  further 
fifty  U.xes   of   "  Ruddy  IVll.-ts    f,,r  th 
Wan."  and  they  .ire,  1   dnulit  not,  lin 
good    cithrr   to  hinisi'lf  or   In-    amrmi 


DAL  si-\HT.i.s. 

TKETII  FOR  »  I'ITIIHN      Mr 
rator    at    thi-    lir.nn    Park 
;:iplpn«,     Xi-w     York,     anisted     by 
abourvi-8,  has  |.ull.i|  .-ill  the  |.-.-tli  ..f  .'vi/"m^,  a 
*85-pouncI  (.ytluin.     He  will   npiip  her  with  a 
i 'f  f.ilse  teeth."— iAii/y  paper.] 

THK  following  current  advertisements 
akeu  from  The  Hun  are,  presumably, 
he  sequel  of  the  al' 


: 


PROTRACTED 
AlX  GlR-^FTE 

Sold  in  three-fn-t  Tul 
Throat.     Di»U 


PASTILLES. 


object 


\ny 


Leopard*  < 

TBT 

PTJMACEA. 
It  touches  every  spot.  » 


Whales  and  others  wishing  to 
reduce  the  figure  should  commu- 
nicate with 

WHITEBAIT,  <;i:i.i.NWirii. 


Blushing. 

A  lobster  who  has  prevented  him- 
self fmm  contracting  this  distressing 
trouble  (by  remaining  in  the  sea), 
will  send  particulars  on  receipt  of 
address. 


TO    1'YTIX'NS. 
OLD  Amricui. 


THOMBL 

TEETH  Hnnarr.    | 


Men'*  Wear. 

"  KnrruHtwl     with     (limnou'ln,     rubit*n,     ami 
peorla,  the  Shah  own*  a  pipe  valued  at  .' 
w  in.  1,  he  mokw  only  on  State  ocr.i. 

/  .Yi'im 

Tin:  Sinn,  in  his  m,\i-l  smoking  jacket 
reads  almost  as  expensively  as  his 


A  Chance  for  Scorchers. 

"Junior     reporter     wanted  ;     young 
cyclist  ;   stale  --peed."      l'"r/,-s/ii/v  I'usl. 


APRIL  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


279 


INFERENCE. 

Jack  (wlio  alicays  has  to  take  over  hia  elder  Irother'n  old  clothes  and  other  relics).  "  MOTHER,  \V-W-WII.L  I  HAVE  TO  MARRY  BOBBIE'S 

WIDOW  WHEN   HE   DIES  ?  " 


AN  ANTICIPATION. 

[The?1  Social  Democratic  Federation,"  ia  a  manifesto  on  Mr.  HALDANE'S 
scheme,  asserts  that  soldiers  ought  only  to  be  led  by  officers  th?y  have 
chosen  themselves.] 

Tire  vision  seemed  a  trifle  unexpected,  I  admit, 
Of  Private  THOMAS  ATKINS  in  electioneering  kit ; 
A  red  rosette  adorned  his  cap,  he  wore  an  overcoat 
Embroidered  with  the  strange  device,  "  Vote  up,  ye  beggars, 

vote !  " 

While  this  was  the  assertion  that  the"flag"he  carried  made : 
" JONES!     He's  the  man!     And  down  with  allj compulsory 

parade  ! " 

"My  friend," — thus  I  accosted  him — "may  I  presume  to  ask 

The  meaning  of  your  rather  extraordinary  task? 

Is  it  a  Tory  stronghold  that  you  sally  forth  to  storm, 

Or  are  you  bent  on  furthering  Municipal  Reform  ? 

I  always  thought  that  soldiers  weren't  allowed  to  interfere  "... 

"  Chuck  it !"  he  cried.     "  I  'm  precious  drv.     Give  us  a  drop 

fit  *  * 

ot  beer ! 

The  Draijon  's  handy  .  .  .  yes,  a  pint  o'  bitter.     'Ere 's  to  you  ! 
Electioneering  ?     Well,  you  bet !     An'  keen  as  mustard,  too, 
Seeing  as  'ow  the  comfort  of  us  'angs  on  the  event— 
We  're  voting  for  a  Kernel  to  command  the  regiment ! 

"  Yes,  Mr.  'ALDANE  's  followed  up  the  S.  D.  F.  designs ; 
W  e  're  running  all  the  blooming  show  on  demmercratic  lines. 
|  And  what  are  they  ?  '     I  answers,  with  un'esitating  voice, 
Ihe  soldiers'  blooming  orficers  must  be  the  soldiers'  choice  ! ' 


Our  Kernel's  got  to  be  a  man  wotjTHOMAS  A.  can  trust — 
And  that  is  why  I  'm  canvassing  an'  working  fit  to  bust ! 
'  The  candidates  ?'     Ay,    two    there    are:     the    second-in- 
command — 

That's  Major  THOMSON,  D.S.O.— 'e  fought  in  S'maliland  ; 
A  plucky  sort  o'  josser,  but  a  blessed  martinet — 
'E  '11  never  be  no  Kernel  o'  the  regiment,  you  bet ! 
'  Distinguished  record  ?  '     As  yon  like ;  that  isn't  our  affair — 
'E  may  be  BOBS  an'  KITCHENER  in  one,  for  all  I  care — 
I  know  'e  's  keen  on  night-attacks,  an'  'orrid  down  on  drink — 
E  'd  like  to  clap  the  hindependent  soldier  into  clink  ! 
'E  may  be  all  the  papers  say,  'e  may  be  rather  wuss — 
But,  anyway,  'e  ain't  the  man  to  'ave  command  of  us ! 

"  JONES  is  the  other  candidate.     The  promises  'e  's  made 
Are  free  canteen,  an'  lots  o'  leave,  an'  optional  parade. 
If  right  is  right  an'  votes  are  votes  in  this  henlightened  land, 
It 's  Mister  JONES  will  be  to-night  the  Kernel  in  command  ! 
Well, — time  to  get  to  work  again.     There 's  fifty  yet  to  poll. 
Bless  demmercratic  principles  an'  popular  control !  " 

He  went.     And  as  I  mused  upon  the  altered  state  of  things, 
The  intellectual  triumph  which  the  right  of  suffrage  brings, 
Afar  I  heard  my  THOMAS'S  reverberating  tones : 
" JONES  is  the  soldiers'  candidate!     Roll  up,  and  vote  for 
JONES ! "        

"  Domesticated  Yorkshire  woman  seeks  situation  as  housekeeper  to 
elderly  gentleman.     Lady  preferre.1." — Telegraph. 

KHND  of  a  giddy  harumfrodite. 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I  Amu.  17,  1907. 


THE    NEW   WORKMEN'S    COMPENSATION    ACT. 

(Corrrtpondmte.) 

DEAI  Sit.— Tr  A  CADDIE  i»  RIIEO  no»  A  VILLAGE  roci  NILE*  rtou  THB  aoir  LIKW  ACT 
i«.  »rrt«  mr«  tonm  AXD  A-RALT.  OTOTOHE  »T  rjmorr  AKD  MEET,  is  BID  RMPLOTER  SESPOXSIBIE 
!•••  HM  un  mvu7— TOCM,  Axiior*  OOLTEI. 


CHARIVARIA, 

TIIE  King  of  the  Belgians  celebratwl 
hie  Hevraty-eecond  birthday  last  week. 
It  u  no  doubt  owing  to  a  scarcity  <>f 
newapaper  correapoodenta  in  that  part 
•  •f  the  world  that  no  reporta  of  the  aoenea 
of  enthonaam  which  took  place  in  id- 
Free  State  have  yet  come  to 

People  are  aaking  who  i»  the  "  *m*]\ 
<  liariea"  whom  the  Queen,  accord  - 
•  the  newspapers,  carried  > 
her  arm  d 

The  suggestion  that  it  waa  the  i* 
King  Carlos  of  Portugal  ia  absurd,  as 
ie  renden  the  font  impossible. 


1. upland  is  Raid  to  be  reaping  the 
advantage  of  being  the  first  to  produce 
a  monster  battleship.  Other  powers 
are  now  sending  us  orders  for  Teasels 
with  which  to  knock  the  Dreadnought 
into  n  nvked  hat. 


Some  idea  of  the  size  of  the  Dread- 
i'jht  may  be  gained  from  the  time  it 
took  for  the  report  of  on  explosion  in 
the  fore-port  of  the  vessel  to  reach  tliis 



We  woi.  -lie-bye,  whether    it 

is  generally  known  that  then-  is  in  ,,ur 

Navy  a  vessel  consideraMv  smaller  idan 

' 'rradnowjht .  rail,-!    the   Isri.nl,,,,,. 

I  :  •      /  '  •'  •  id    tO  bl      ! .:.  '•  Ij 


aniunp«l.  and  not  to  be  above  making 

irks  \\ln-n  tlioy  ni> 


Tin-  fi-iti'iiH'iit  idal  llio  ships  of  the 
fntiirr  \\ill  fly  idniti^h  tlio  air  wniiM 
.-••••iii  to  dav-  put  tin-  .-hi  |  I  •  •(  tin1  |  • 

tdi-ir  ini'tll'1.  and  ijiiilc  a  niunlx-r 
cf    tin-in    1  ilv    l>..'ii    trying   in 

I'pivi-  thai  tdi'v  can.  anvhou  .  ,-ail  mi  land. 
Tin-  I»rdsnf  the  Admiralty.  Imwi 

.!i  of  the  TniJ'tl'jiir'x  i^-njiadc.  ha\i- 
not  to  coiinti'iiaiii-.'  such  > 
an.  I     the    Tnif<il<jiir   now    finds 
in  the  dock. 


The  /-.V/.n-.s.-.-.  (lie  other  day.  juiKli.shed 
an  historical  acnmnt  of  "Tin-  attempt- 
made  liv  man  to  emulate  the  liirds.' 
By  a  curious  omi.->ion  no  mention  was 
made  of  bird  Kosi-liery's  famous  im- 
personation of  a  raven. 


W<M-oiif:nitulateanold  lady  of  seventy 
who  has  just  won  a  competition  in  a 
contemporary,  and  will  receive, 
prize,  a  motor  bicycle. 


M     a 


^  Lightning  struck  a  boot  factory  at 
Northampton  one  day  last  week,  and 
sent  a  large  chimney-black  crashing 
through  the  roof  of  a  dwelling-house; 
luit  no  one  was  hurt  which  was  a  great 
sell  for  the  lightning. 


The  American  theatrical  trusts  have 
been  snapping  up  our  leading  Music 
Hall  artistes  regardless  of  cost.  Con- 
siderable satisfaction  is  expressed  at  the 

Zoo  ami  in  the  Indian  jungles  tli.it 
"Lockhart's  Elephants"  s-hould  have 
been  offered  £^'JO  a  \\e«k.  and  "  Kight 
I^ncashire  Lnds  "  only  £150. 

Bookmakers  are  complaining  bitterly 
that  the  Act  of  Parliament  which  was 
passed  in  order  to  stamp  out  their 
business  is  causing  them  grave  incon- 
yenicnoe.  

A  conference  is  being  held  in  Washing- 
ton between  representatives  of  Mexico, 
Costa  Rico,  Salvador,  and  (luatemal.i. 
with  tho  olijit-t  of  reaching  an  : 
mcnt  for  the  maintenance,  of  jx-ace  in 
('<•ntr.il  America.  It  is  hoped  l>y  opti- 
mists that  each  Kepublic,  by  a  self- 
denying  ordinance,  will  limit  itself  to 
one  revolution  per  \>  ar. 

•'The  Time*"  Day  by  Day: 

<>MV  last    \vivk  we   had  occasion    tc< 
!••  pnuch   The.  Timet  for  its  uii^'eneroiis 
treatment  of  Mr.  A.  H.  WAIKIKV.     And 
•  have  just  come  across  this  in  Mr. 
10 — a  press 
cutting  on  a  i  '>.•],, p.,  iucation:— 

"  II.  r<-    i-i  :i 

f*ge*  wl'l  f"r  half  a  crown.  Comiiorryl  with 
tho  Rnryclnfiiili.i  lintunnica  it  is  up  to  date." 

Timer. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APRIL  17,  1907. 


HOMING 


Arid!  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


283 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  rnon  THE  DIARY  or  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  April  8. 
• — Among    the    ravishing    pleasures   of 

vanished  youth   was  an  occasional  visit    country   residence    in    the 
to  the  Christy  Minstrels,  seated  all  in  a   pushed    (on    commission)    sale    of    the 


debate  was  heard  the  popping  of  a 
champagne  cork,  and  there  was  the 
Member  for  East  St.  Pancras  wanting 
to  know  about  this  denizen  of  the 
I'alacc  of  St.  James's  who  had  a  sort  of 

cellars,    and 


row,  Banjo  at  one  end,  Bones  at  the  other. 
The  proud  boast  of  the  troupe  was  that 
they  "never  performed  out  of  I/)ndon." 


champagne  of  a  foreign  firm  of  shippers. 


Due  reply  forthcoming,  Bones  with 
preliminary  rattle  up  again. 

"  Now,  Massa  B.,  what  are  you  going 
to  do  for  Holyrood  Palace? " 

Hitting  his  knee  with  drum  of  his 
banjo,  next  banging  the  crown  of  his 
head  (all  in  a  Parliamentary  sense),  the 
Banjoist  suitably  replied.  So  it  went 


Thought  he  had  been  got  rid  of  when  |  on  by  the  hour,  sound  of  the  occasional 
at  opening  of  debate  CHAIRMAN  ruled   drawing  of    a  champagne  cork   below 


The  spell  is  broken.     The  hall  in  which   him  out  of  order.     An  hour  and  a  half  Gangway  on  Ministerial  side  indicating 
for  a  generation  they  made  obvious  jokes  later  he  was  moving  the  reduction  of  desire  of  Mr.  LEA  to  get  another  look 

vote  in  order  to  have  question  thoroughly   in   with   the  mysterious,  by   this  time 


and   sung    sentimental   ditties 
no    more.      Gone   is   inquiring 
Gone    is    respondent    Banjo. 
Gone  the   interlocutor,  whose 
family  name,  you  remember, 
was  JOHNSON.     Christy   Min- 
strels have  gone  and  have  left 
no  address. 

This  afternoon,  House  re- 
assembling alter  Easter  holi- 
days, brings  back  a  whiff  of 
old  memories.  In  Committee 
of  Supply  on  Civil  Service 
Kstimates.  Attendance  small ; 
interest  languishing.  Early 
in  sitting  BANBURY  caused 
flush  of  excitement  by  taking 
exception  to  expenditure  of 
£300  for  "a  shed  for  Lord 
Mayors  in  the  park  at  Windsor." 
What  Lord  Mayors  were  doing 
at  Windsor,  and  why  they 
should  have  recourse  to  a 
shed,  passed  comprehension. 
Presently,  after  several  repeti- 
tions of  the  phrase,  it  dawned 
upon  puzzled  audience  that 
what  BANBURY  was  talking 
about  was  not  Lord  Mayors 
but  lawn  mowers. 

Curious  how  loyal  cultiva- 
tion of  city  accent  can,  with 
rapid  intonation,  confuse  the 
identity  of  such  absolutely 
diverse  entities. 

Committee  recovering  from 
consequences  of  this  misap- 
prehension when  LEA  of  St. 
Pancras  nipped  in.  As  far 
as  can  be  made  out  from  a 
story  frequently  interrupted 


is   now 


Bones. !  threshed     out.      Again,    more 


AFTER    FORTY-NINE    YEARS. 

Mr.  Punch  (to  LORD  CROSIER).  "  SORRY  TO  SAY  GOOD-DYE,  SIR. 


NO    ONE    HAS    EVER 
LONG   ENJOY   IT  !  " 


EARNED    HIS    REST    SO    WELL   AS   YOU  ;     AND    MAY   YOU 


mg   apartments 
of    St.    James's, 


by  CHAIRMAN,  a  Gentleman  in  the  Cellars 
of  His  MAJESTY'S  household,  also  occupy- 
in  the  Royal  Palace 
varies  the  monotony 
of  existence  by  selling  champagne  on 
commission.  Lri.r  pleaded  that  the  First 
Commissioner  of  Works  had  no  juris- 
diction in  the  matter.  CHAIRMAN  OF  COM- 
MITTEES ruled  question  out  of  order.  LEA, 
temporarily  snubbed,  presently  up  again, 
dragging  by  the  collar  the  anonymous 
Gentleman  from  the  Cellar. 

Barnaby  7i'i«/:/<''«  raven  was  accus- 
tomed irrelevantly  to  break  in  upon 
current  conversation  by  remarks  success- 


fully  imitating 
Thus  Mr.  LEA. 


the   drawing   of  corks. 
In  any  pause  or  turn  of 


snubbed  by  CHAIRMAN,  temporarily  de- 
sisted. 

It  was  here  the  Christy  Minstrel 
business  began.  BANBURY  obliged  with 
the  banjo.  ALPHEUS  CI.EOPIIAS,  at  the 
other  end  of  the  semi-circle,  took  the 
part  of  Bones.  Performance  strictly 
followed  old  lines.  Bones  tossed  the 
ball  of  interrogation  to  the  Banjoist. 
That  accomplished  gentleman  made 


sharply  limp,  Gentleman  from  the  Cellar,  still 
held  by  collar. 

May  seem  trivial ;  really 
meant  business.  Conditions 
ruling  this  evening  are  the 
very  ones  under  which  votes 
are  liberally  granted.  LULU, 
an  old  Parliamentary  Hand  by 
descent  and  instinct,  smiled 
genially  at  the  antics  of  the 
end  men.  Sometimes  he  con- 
tributed a  mild  little  joke,  at 
which  Committee,  beginning 
to  be  bored  with  the  Banjo 
and  his  insatiable  interlocutor, 
gratefully  laughed.  But  Lui.u 
got  all  his  votes,  with  such 
rapidity  that  House  was  up  at 
a  quarter  past  eight. 

Business  done. —  All  votes 
save  one  in  Board  of  Works 
estimates  carried.  Exception 
was  the  First  Commissioner's 
salary. 

"  Leave  it,"  said  LULU,  with 
generous  gesture  of  right  arm. 
"  Never  mind  me.  I  'm  but 
a  worm.  '  My  country,  'tis' 
of  Thee.'  Give  me  money  to 
carry  on  public  works.  Let' 
my  salary  stand  over.  'Twill 
do  in  August  when  the  guillo- 
tine is  at  work." 

Committee  so  touched  with 
this  superb  self-denial  that 
they  straightway  proceeded  to 
grant  votes  with  both  hands. 
r  Uneasiness  grew  upon  reflec- 
tion. All  very  well  for  LULU 
thus  magnanimously  to  post- 


elaborate  reply. 


"Now, 
CLEOPHAS, 


Massa 
though 


B.,"     said    ALPHEUS 
of    course  adopting 


Parliamentary  form  of  address,  "  why 
should  not  Osborne  be  used  as  a  con- 
valescent home  for  private  soldiers  and 
seamen  as  well  as  for  officers  ?  " 


pone  vote  for  his  salary.  But  will  he 
in  the  meantime  draw  it  quarterly  ? 

Tuesday  niyht. — The  SECRETARY  OF 
STATE  FOR  WAK  successfully  preserves 
the  traditions  of  his  role.  When  his 
great  prototype  contemplated  a  new 
move  in  his  campaigns  he  issued  a 
bulletin.  According  to  contemporary 
criticism,  these  documents  were  not 
always  illuminated  by  the  lamp  of  Truth. 
In  short,  they  were  not  the  kind  of  thing 
GEORGE  WASHINGTON  would  have  penned. 
That  is  a  detail  which  obviously  has  no 
bearing  on  the  case  under  consideration. 

British  War  Office  does  not  recognise 
biilletins.  Accordingly  our  NAPOLEON 
BUONAPARTE  HALDANE  from  time  to  time 


tu 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Anw.  17,  1907. 


•Net  •  Memorandum.  It  is  understood 
that  theae  are  neceaaary  - 
the  brevity  of  speech  impoeed  up  -n  him 
at  various  initial  stagra  of  explanation  of 
hia  great  measure.  Law  mght.  whilst 
i '.  •  .  .  ••:.:.::..: 

in  dialectics,  the  inevitable  Memorandum 
alowly  I.  adding  fresh  gl...m  to 

depmaion  of  the  returning  Eastertide 
revellers. 

Stody  of  it  had  diaastrons  effect  on 
GmacE  Wrxnun.  Fresh  from  reading 
morning  leaaona  in  the  parish  church  by 
Saightim  (Jrange,  lie.  in  course  of  «)•<•.•,  h 
Uiis  afternoon  on  second  reading  of 
portentously  entitled  Territorial  and 
Beaerve  Forces  Bill,  adventured  a  Bibli- 
cal illustration.  Has  heard,  or  read,  that 
nothing  was  more  effective  in  .Ions 
OUGHTS  eloquence  than  such  adornment. 
Everyone  remembers  the  great  Tribune's 
nrfpfttH^  during  the  height  of  Heform 
controversy,  forty  years  ago,  to  Cave  of 
Adullam.  an  aside  that  added  a  word  to 
the  English  language.  We  have  no 
Adullamite*  in  active  force  just  now; 
but  their  name  is  enshrined  in  English 
history. 

The  almost-reverend  GEOBGE  sow  his 
opportunity  in  discussing  provision  of 
Bill  which  directs  that  special  reservists 
are  to  be  trained  11*0  at  a  time. 

man."  he  emphatically  declared, 
"has  ever  tried  to  do  such  a  thing  since 
the  day  when  DAVID  made  an  army  by 
hiding  men  by  fifties  in  a  cave." 

The  few  Unionists  present  laughed 
and  cheered.  How  apt !  How  effective  ! 
Whaur's  yer  JOHNNIE  BRIGHT  noo? 

EDWAKD  GRET,  who  followed,  thought 
there  was  a  mistake  somewhere.  "  Was 
it  l>\viD,"he  timidly  asked,  "who  hid 
men  by  fifties  in  a  cave?"  "If  I  re- 
collect right,"  he  continued,  "  when  the 
men  were  hid  in  a  cave  they  were  fed 
on  bread  and  water." 

."  cried  another  eminent  Biblical 
authority,  "on  locusts  and  wild  honey." 

EDWARD  OtET,  on  firmer  ground  here. 
thought  that  referred  to  another  matter, 
and,  finding  the  point  increasingly 
embarrassing,  quitted  it. 

"  Ah ! "  aaid  J.  O.  TALBOT,  mopping 
moist  eves  with  big  bandana,  "  this  all 
comes  oft  he  ('•  ,plc  <  'latino.  If 

my  right  lion,  friends  had  been  in 
regular  school  attendance  at  nine  o'clock 
in  the  morning,  profiting  by  the  loaaoM 
then  provided,  they  would  not  have  for 
gotten  OBADUH'S  kindly  care  of  the 
hundred  prophets  harried  by  JEZEBO." 

llufinett  done. — N.  B.  lUiJivM.  nn.ve- 
the  second  reading  of  Army  P.ill.  GBOMOK 
WrxnHAat.  adventuring  upon  classical 
quotation,  shows  how  dangerous  is  a 
little  learning. 

W     «     **  -  *  *  - •   -      *Vj*«  TT_11   • 

For  MwMnam  Town  it  Ml  r 
vdRATon  for  aale,  Highland  Mary 
and  John  Burnt." — Bazaar. 


MCK. 

i  old    l)|i'K   tin'! 

When  all  the  jovial  l!in>nx  was  seated, 
i  oiild  on  tliis  earth  c-impare 

:idin'  tn>at  and  Ix-in'  treated — 
"  Purwidin'  parties  acted  fair. " 

S.-<-in'  aw.rdin'  to  hit  light. 

He'd  one  remorse  or  two  remorses, 

When  he  was  Hportisl:.  'an'some,  bright, 
He'd    showed    up    green    in    backin 
'ones, 

"  And  kissed  but  half  the  gels  he  might." 

i  row  :   that  one  "Scolty  Jim  " 
He  d  tramped  and  fished  with. 

weather, 
Had  crossed  the  Beck  afront  of  him. 

'Stead  waitin'  till  they  went  together 
And  DICK'S  own  eyes  "a-gettin1  dim." 

His  faith :  that  when  Time's  web  was 

spun. 

And  he'd  no  legs  to  struggle  through  it, 
Kememberin'  all  he'd  left  undone, 
Summun    would    mind   he   meant    tu 

do  it,— 
"  And  reckon  that  as  half  begun." 

We  liked  him,  some     inoludin'  me. 
i  Ynn  'II  guest  from  hit  philosophy 
Old  1>ICK  A-r/rf  quferish  company.) 


:! 
II 


OUR  BRIDGE  COLUMN. 
Ansictrt. 

ENQUIRER. — Yea,  the  ace  of  trumps 
is  usually  regarded  as  a  safe  trick  even 
when  played  carelessly.  Experienced 
players  rarely  make  any  effort  to  capture 
their  opponent's  ace. 

X.Y.Z. — You   will  never  be  a  good 
•layer    till    you    can     distinguish    the 

eart  Convention  from  the  Convention 
of  Geneva. 

JACK  POINT  writes  that  by  mistake 
the  joker  was  dealt  with  the  pack.  B. 
nlays  the  same  on  A.'s  ace  of  Spades. 
Who  takes  the  trick  ? 

This  should  be  a  matter  for  com- 
promise. 

JENNIE  TOJIPKINS. — "My  bird  sings" 
has  actually  very  little  in  common  uiih 
Bridge,  but  the  training  is  certainly 
valuable. 

FORWARD.  —  Charging  is  not  allow- 
able at  Bridge.  We  cannot  say  offhand 
whether  SII.VK  BI/IOMER  discards  from 
weakness  or  strength. 

MBS.  BILLS  complains  that  1.  r 
daughter  refused  to  say  whether  the 
Ace  of  Clubs  had  been  play..!  c.n-lier 
in  the  game  or  not.  We  think  your 
•  laughter's  conduct  mint  reprehensible. 
It  i-  tJie  spirit  rather  than  the  1>  • 
the  law  which  nhoul'l  !-• 

CAREFUL.— Only  a  bad  player  will 
hesitate  to  lend  at  the  thirti-enth  trick. 
even  though  the  odd  de^nd-;  U|MIII  it. 
It  is  cmpliatirally  a  time  for  risks. 


I  'II     -  -   that    In'    holds   the 

reigning  Hi'  inarch  of  <  Vtahedron  crystal* 
of  carlnin,  his  c.  in-ort.  and  suite,  \\\\  ,„• 
altruistic  tendencies  are  known  to  I.  • 

undeveloped.     Tin-  two  scjuantl  of  the 

-aiue  suit  has  U-en  ],.,|.  His  nWi- 
ri»,  an  exi'ii-diii^Iy  irritable  Colonel. 
is  always  speaking  of  tines^in^  against 
your  partner,  lie  SU.U.IIY  is  anxious 
to  maintain  the  fonn-r's  e(|uanimity,  as 
considerable  Minis  of  the  r'Vo^ni.s.-l 
medium  of  exchange  di>|H-nd  HIKHI  the 
gillie,  and  indin-ctly  ujioii  his  sen-nity. 

<  "u    the    other    hand    the    C..|. 1     may 

contend    t!;  ,i,-.,l    cun.sidiT.it inn- 

should   dictate   his   "taking  the    trick" 
with  the  card  representative  of  th. 
facial   value.      Should   he  use  deductive 
or  inductive  lo^ic  toc.,n\  incc  his  partniT 
of  the  >oiindnes.s  of  his  own  jilay  ''. 

The  player  shonld  !«•  piid.-d  by  cir 
ciim.slaiiees.  but  possibly  physical  argu- 
ments would  be  more  forcible. 


"Do  We  Belie vaP" 
FROM  the  AnVi/  Trlnjrtipli  of  Monday  : 

"•'hrint's  Hospital  nnnual  Rportx  «'>r>>  lielil 
on  Satur.lay  in  delightful  weather." — /'' 

"  In  ronfleqiii'iu-i1  nf   the  iin-leniont   weather 
on  Saturday  the  Christ'*  Hospital 
pofttponeJ  until  to-day."— Taj*  0. 

We  turned  anxiously  to  Page  8  after 
this,  fearing  the  worst;  but  the  sul> 
editor  of  that  page  had  preserved  a 
mysterious  silence  over  the  whole  affair. 


Equality. 

UK  is  a  cautious  scribe  who  writes  the 
Parliamentary  column  for  The  TrUmnr. 
One  day  last  week,  in  the  description  of 
a  debate  in  the  House  of  Commons,  he 
wrote  of  "  Mr.  MORTON,  who  spoke  nearly 
as  many  times  yesterday  as  Sir  FHKI>I:I;II-K 
HAMII  IIY,"  and  half-a-dozen  lines  further 
on  referred  to  "  Sir  FREDERICK  lUxm  RY, 
who,  for  his  part,  spoke  nearly  as  often 
as  Mr.  MORTON."  Considering  .Mr.  Mon 
TON'S  achievement,  wethink  Sir  Kiti:i>i:iti<-K 
l>A\T.riiY  did  his  part  exceedingly  well. 
It  is  not  every  man  who  can  upset  a  tir>t 
principle  of  mathematics  in  this  way. 

"  £1'  Reward.— Lo«t,  small  gold  watoli,  ma.le 
from  sovereign*  in  Mcond-class  carriage  on 
Easter  Mon'!  inj  .\>ir«. 

Tim  is  the  way  to  get  on  in  life. 
When  this  man  is  famous,  and  news 
I'.ipcr  pmple  i-oiiie  to  ask  him  to  what 
he  owes  his  success,  he  can  truly  say  (hut 
it  began  when  as  a  poor  barefoot  Ixiy 
In-  found  himself  in  a  second-class  car 
i  lay,  and,  undeterred 

by   dilh'ciillic.s.  started   to   m  iko  a   small 
gold  watch  out  of  sovereigns. 

Optimism. 

NEVER  say  die  '  Kven  a  clock  that  is 
broken  has  two  good  timos  every  day. 
Law  Courts,  please  copy. 


APRIL  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


285 


Important  Patron  (after  describing  lite  great  advantages  now  enjoyed  by  children).  "I  wis:i  I  WERE  YOC  CHILDREN  AT  SCHOOL      (Pause- 
then  ingratiatingly)     WHY  Do  I  WISH  mis?" 

Roy.  "PLEASE,  SIR,  'cos  YOU'VE  FORGOT  ALL  YOU  EVER  KNOWED  ! " 


LITERARY  STARS  FOR  AMERICA. 

TITE  men  of  the  moment  are  KLAW 
and  ERLANGER. 

They  have  the  money. 

They  are  the  boys  to  watch. 

Keep  your  eyes  open  for  KLAW  and 

Eli  LANCER. 

They  have  now  got  all  the  music- 
hall  stars  they  want  and  are  buying 
up  the  literary  stars. 

America  is  wild  about  English 
authors,  and  KLAW  and  ERLANGER  are 
the  lads  to  give  America  what  America 
wants. 

THE  CONSTELLATION  TRUST. 
THE  WELKIN  RING. 

Greatest  galaxy  of  Stars  on  Earth. 

All  British  make. 

Engaged  at  boss  figures. 

Two  Performances  Nightly. 

Literature  -while  you  wait. 

HALL  CAINE, 

Three-legged  Expert 
And  Strident  Raconteur. 


MARIE  CORELLI, 

The  Real  Swan  of  Avon, 

In  her  famous  impersonation  of 

ANN  HATHAWAY. 

RITA, 

The  female  FATHER  VAUGIIAN, 

In  Scarifying  Anecdotes  of  the 

London  Four  Hundred. 

GILBERT  PARKER. 
Imperial  Trombonist 

and 
Birch-barcarolle  singer. 

HILAIRE  BELLOC, 

The  Meridional  Merryman, 

In  his  side-splitting  Recitation 

"  How  I  became  Member  for  Salford." 

ALFRED  AUSTIN, 

England's  Darling, 

Will  Recite  His  Own  Poems 

To  a  Vegetable  Accompaniment. 

LE   Q. 

Leading  sensationalist, 
In  blood-curdling  sketch  entitled 
"  Forty  Thrills  in  Twenty  Minutes." 


EDEN  PmLLPOTTS, 

Rustic  Impersonator, 

In  a  series  of  short  sketches  entitled 

"  Dramas  of  Dartymoor." 

RUDYARD  KIPLING, 

Champion  Jungler  of  the  World, 

With  his  troupe  of  Performing  Animals. 

II.  G. 

The  Fabian  Freak, 

In  his  fascinating  divertissement, 

"  Science,  Sensation  and  Socialism." 

CHESTERTON. 

The  Great  What-is-it  ? 

Contortionist  and  Juggler. 

In  reply  to  any  question 

CHESTERTON 

will  stand  on  his  head 

and  remain  there. 


"  The  Hague  Tribunal,  instead  of  opposing 
submarines,  should  welcome  them,  as  the  first 
great  battle  where  submarines  are  employed  may 
possibly  prove  that  the  future  of  the  mighty 
surface  vessels  is  behind  them." — Engineer. 

UNDERNEATH  them,  more  likely. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AraiL  17,  1907. 


THE    WAGER. 

.     An.)  Whereas  the  said   Chil.l 

u  bat  eight  months  old  and  of  a  tearful 

. 

Vhereaa  the  KH.I    Curie  has 

been    heard    to    liuuit    that  ahe 

'would n  t  cry  with  him  ' 

"And  Whereas  the  said  Father  i*  of 
a  mind  to  riak  £5  (Fire  Pound*  on  the 


"This  Sheweth  tliat  th<>  wild  Father 
will  make  all  neoeamry  arrangement* 
whereby  the  mid  Uncle  may  be  alone 
with  the  mid  Child  for  the  apace  of 
Two  Hours  aalNMapand  by  the  presence 
of  interfering  Females  .  .  . 

"Ami  Moreover  the  said  Father  will 
hold  himaelf  responsible  for  any  Kr.-ak 

rLoaa  of  Memory  or  Damage  l.\  Fin- 
may  occur  to  the  said  Child  pn'.\  id.il 
that  reasonable  care  is  exercised  bv  the 
said  Uncle  . .  ." 

2 — 3.  Where  I  made  my  mistake 
was  in  being  too  prolific  of  entertain- 
ment in  the  first  hour.  If  I  had  sat  I»T 
on  my  knee  and  nx-ited  /',ii-.j,/i«,-  Ijott  to 
her  (as  I  had  originally  intended)  until 
three  o'clock,  then  I  hlioul.l  have  had 
some  varieties  for  her  in  that  terrible 
last  hour,  when  it  was  so  necessary  to 
take  her  attention  away  from  the  farts 
that  she  was  very  hungry,  very  tir.il. 
and  had  a  very  bad  pain  inside.  From 
two  till  three  she  would  have  Ui-n  an 
angel  with  niiylmdy.  All  my  diverting 
;JBM  in  that  period  were  lost  upon  her 

•or  so  I  thought  until  1  mine  to  rej>eat 
them  later  on,  when  it  liecame  evident 
from  her  manner  that  she  had  met  them 
before  somewhere,  and  was  tired  of 
•'.•  ?  . 

I  shall  not  recount,  therefore,  my 
efforts  in  the  first  hour  to  paint  the  lily 
—to  make  (that  in)  an  angel  good.  It  is 
sufficient  to  say  that  we  walked  round 
the  room  and  saw  everything,  sat  on  all 
the  chairs  in  all  the  positions,  kn 
all  the  photograph  frames  over,  ami 
swallowed  as  much  of  the  lilindti.nl 

nature  and  the  upholsterer  allowed. 
At  three  o'clock  I  looked.  tn--i  at  the 
baby  and  then  at  my  watch,  and  I 
began  to  get  anxious. 

From  3—3.10  we  ate  The  Ikiil,,  M,,;i 
—more  particularly  the  magazine  page 
about  how  to  bring  up  children.  There 
were  two  or  three  papers  on  tin-  t:d>l. •; 
and  I  held  her  by  the  legs  while  she 
browsed  at  will  among  the  master- 


3.10—3.12.  A  change  of  some  sort 
became  necessary.  We  sat  down  on  the 
sofa  and  took  off  her  socks. 

3.12—3.1.'.  W.-  put  one  sock  on 
again.  She  wanted  local  the  oth.r. 

—3.20.      I    whistled    hi 
xAiwite    to  her.     She  wasn't 
the  ear. 


;. sit  ion.      I 

Hat  on  a  small  chair,  an. I  she  hung  h.-a.) 
downward*  ,:..:••!  the  legs  of 

the  thing  to  see  if  it  really  wa-  ( 'hipp.  n 
il.ile.  I  hauled  her  lurk  and 

told    her   rather   a    dull    story    about    a 
young  lady  resident  of  Haiihnry  win.  ha.l 
Mis  on  her  lingers  and      Ih.nen  knows 
what    else,    Ux-ausc    just    then    she    got 
n  again,  and  stayed  there  till  3.30. 
3.30.     Ate     all     about     the     Colonial 
Prvnu 

Very  keen  on  a  \ase  of  tl 
Knocked  it  over  to  see  if  it  really  had 
got  water  inside.  As  this  seemeil  (.. 
amuse  her,  I  knocked  over  two  more. 
She  didn't  si>e  me  knock  over  the  third 
one, being  intent  on'/'/ic  Dotjylfotl  again, 

which  was  a  pity  as  it  ha. I  more  water 
in  than  any  of  the  others.  Tartly  out  of 
pique  and  j.artly  Ix-causc  I  know  her 
mother  would  have  likixl  it.  I  took  the 
paper  away  fn.m  her. 

3.40.  A  terril.le  time.     Slie  U-g-.ui  to 
whimper,  SO  I   rushed   r.innd   the   table 
with  her.     Hounding  Tattenham  Comer 
we    Lumped    the    rails.       There   w. 
awful   silence,   and    her  face   began    to 

screw  up. 

"Baby,    Baby,    don't    cry.    there's  n 
darling!"   I  implored.     "There,  t! 
yes,   you    shall    have    the    paper    again. 
There.  Haby.   The' letters  of  an  Engliab- 

man.'  Tea,  eat  away,  dear  that  Wight." 
3.45.  A  crowded  five  minutes.  Took 
off  a  sock,  ate  a  blou.-e  pattern,  saw  my 
watch  lly  Open  (three  times),  put  her  foot 
in  my  eye.  and  tried  to  shake  hands 
with  herself  in  the  looking-glass. 

3.50.  The  Anchor  position. 

3.51.  On  her  back  with  her  feet  in 
the  air,  trying  to  realise  which  little  pig 
really  went   to  market.     Not.  quite  sure 

uyself.     ( Inly  eight  minutes  more. 

-'.     On  her  front  in  maiden  medi- 
ation. 

3.53.  On  my  shoulder.  Only  six 
minutes  more.  She  is  on  the  very  verge 
of  tears. 

."•-"•I.  On  her  front  again.  I  am 
reciting  1'anuli*?  lji.it  to  her.  l.ut  I  am 
ifr.iid  it  is  too  late. 

We  ^"1    up  and   sat   down    on 
•very  chair  in   the   room.     Tried   every 
*"-iti"ii     in     each     chair.       Two    awful 
minutes  dragged  pa-t. 

•1>    su.-et    for  two   whole 
minutes.     She    l,,,k.,|    at    me    with    an 
nngelic  smile,  as   if  -he   had   ju-- 
me.     She  really  is  a  darling  .  .  .  and  her 
father  has  lost  £'».  I  'm  afraid. 

S..VJ.       "Help.   help,   help'       N,,.    Rlby. 

•  ab-urd  .  .  .  Haby  !    Haby  !  " 

ly  seconds  more,  ami  her  eyes  u.  re 
h.-r  month  \\-a-.  owning 
-lowly.     There  was  only  onethin^  l«do. 
A  tip   from   her   father,  which  I   remem 
|Mst    in    time.       I    swung    h.-r   up 
md  down  viol.-ntly  three  times  .... 
SI,.-    is   a    determined    I  aby   and    will 


only  do  one  thing  at  a  time.     She  looked 
at  me  out  of  the  corner  of  her 

"All    riK'ht,"    she    SIM:  ,y    as 

,ne|it    l,,.r   breath   a«ain   ami   thi-n 

a^-ain.     ".lu-t  \oiiw.iit  till  ['vefiBJahed 

I  \e  i....|  them  In-fore,  and  1 
don't  unite  know  what  they  are.  but 
they  don't  l.i-t  long.  And  then 

Hut    then    the  clock    struck    four  .  .  . 
and  her  mother  came  in  .... 


SLOANE   AND   TRAFALGAR   SQUARES. 

I)    the  managers  of  tlie.itrv-  will  only 
give  me  such   excellent  entertainment   a- 

;n  l;..ni\-'- 

'.•r  \\ 'I.IIII-H  .'  at  the  Court  Theatre, 
which  is  simply  a  picture,  wonderfully 
well  arranged  and  splendidly  acted,  of 
a  nieelinK'  in  Trafalgar  Square,  I  do  not 
can'  if  there  i-  :i  pla>  .  in  the  ordinary 
at  all.  1  make  tlii-  remark 

B    in    this    c.i-e   the    j.lay    i 

( nil  M.V    may    think    some  of    it 
>lii;htly    im].n>per.    but     I     hope    not 
was  rather  a    bore,  and    I    imagine   that 
it  was  thrown  in  as  a  concession,  which 
in  my   important   ca<e  was  nnnei . 
1    imagine  the  manager  to  have  said  to 

ii,'anda  bii- 

is  most   interesting,  ami    I   think  v 
make    a    tremendous    effect    with     \..ur 
Trafalgar  Sipiare  scene.      Hut  I  'in  afraid 
— it's  a  great    nui-ance     th. 

you  know  I  'm  afraid  we  must 
have  what  they  nil!  a  plot.  I'm  afraid 
you  miiM  cut  out  your  work-hop  scene 
and  your  hospital  scene,  and  replace 
them  with  a  drawing-room  interior  and 
a  story.  Anything  will  do:  take  it  off 
the  peg:  pick  it  where  you  like:  the 
Trafalgar  Square  Act  will  make  the 
success  of  the  play,  but  a  story  I  'in  mi 
sorry— we  must  ha\e."  It  was  a  thou- 
sand pities,  for  the  -t.  n  Mi--  I.'OIHN- 
chose  is  unoriginal  and  theatrical  and 
weak  to  a  degree. 

Of  course  you  cannot  prove  anything 
in  a  play.  At  the  most,  you  can  -tale  a 
cose,  or,  if  a  reform  is  in  question,  pre- 
sent an  unplea-.int  stale  of  affairs  which. 
you  Suggest,  would  !»•  remedied  it  y.  iiir 
reform  were  carried  out.  Mi—  lloius-'.- 
plot  does  not  exeii  that.  A  >oung 
woman  and  young  man  had  Imil  t.. 
get  her  and  parted.  Ten  \ears  later  they 

n t.  ami,  though   apparently   they   live 

in  the  same  society,  are  theatrically 
shocked.  The  man.  who  i-  now  a  rising 
-late-man  with  designs  on  the  Cabinet, 
is  engaged  to  U-  married  to  -omeoiie 
else,  ami  this  latter  young  person  con 

the  bright  idea,  when  >he  nnder- 
-laiids  llieir  relations  in  the  past,  that 
•\eu  two  |>eople  who  thoroughly  dislike 

another,  and     had    separated    with 

mutual  reproach.'-  ten  year-  before,  ought 
to  marry.  And  the  man  actually  in-nlts 

the  woman  by  offering  th:  lion," 

and  she  -.i>-.  No.  but  that  what  lie  mn.-t 


APRIL  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


287 


do  is  to  devote  himself  to  the  eause  of 
female  suffrage,  and  he  says,  All  right,  I 
will ;  and — 1  congratulate  the  eause  on 
such  a  elear-headed  adherent.  This 
tireeome  story  shows  nothing :  if  women 
h;id  twenty  votes  each,  the  probabilities 
or  improbabilities  of  it  would  have  been 
the  same.  It  is  artificial  and  merely 
theatrical,  and  is  an  astonishing  thing 
to  come  from  the  author  of  The  Magnetic 
North — a  masterpiece  of  sincere  thought 
and  observation.  She  calls  it  "  a  dramatic 
tract,"  and  it  contains — all  these  un- 
pleasant remarks  refer  to  Acts  I.  and 
III.  a  good  deal  of  sound  talk  and 
illustration  of  the  villainies  that  are 
done  on  women  by  blackguards — em- 
ployers of  female  labour  and  others—- 
and so  far  may  advance  the  cause,  but 
the  story  is  a  mistake. 

Its  theatricality  infects  the  players, 
Miss  WYNNE  MATTHISON,  Mr.  AUIWEY 
SMITH  and  others,  and  makes  them  show 
badly  by  contrast  with  the  chief  players 
in  Act  II.  For  this  scene  is  not  only 
wonderfully  stage-managed,  perhaps  the 
greatest  of  Mr.  GRANVILLE  BARKER'S 
triumphs,  but  is  played  to  perfection. 
Mr.  EDMUND  GWENN  as  a  Labour  leader, 
Miss  AGNES  THOMAS  as  a  working-woman 
speaker,  and  Miss  DOROTHY  MINTO  as  a 
militant  young  leader  in  the  cause,  are 
all  magnificent.  I  think  they  have  taken 
their  models  very  directly  from  life — 
Mr.  GWENN  reminded  me  of  the  JOHN 
BURNS  of  fifteen  years  ago  —and  it  is  life 
they  give  you.  Opinion,  with  which  I 
am  not  concerned,  put  aside,  I  advise 
every  superior  person  who  merely  sniffs 
at  this  movement  to  see  the  Second  Act 
of  this  play  and  understand  how  it  is 
that  sucli  speakers  have  the  influence 
which  puzzles  him.  The  crowd  was 
perfect  also.  Miss  MATTHISON,  too,  made 
a  speech,  but  it  was  neither  so  well 
written  nor  so  well  delivered  as  the 
others,  and  a  little  marred  the  reality  of 
the  scene :  Trafalgar  Square  would  not 
have  been  patient  with  it.  I  shall  go  to 
see  this  Act  again,  but,  to  be  frank,  I 
shall  omit  the  other  two.  RUE. 

"  The  Kaiser  in  welcoming  the  new  French 
Ambassador  made  a  cordial  speech,  promising 
his  aid  in  the  work  of  reconciling  the  two  great 
nations.  This  object,  he  says,  is  one  great 
nations.  This  object,  he  said,  is  one  countries." 
— \lanchenter  Guardian. 

THERE'S  reporting  for  you.  Why,  we 
can  almost  hear  the  foreign  accent  as  the 
KAISER  explains  what  his  object  really  is. 

"  The  retailers  of  Sunderland  and  district  are 
taking  up  the  matter  of  the  cutting  of  playing 
cards  and  pictorial  post  cards,  two  burning 
questions  with  the  trade  at  the  moment." 

Stationers'  Gazelle. 

WE  take  no  interest  in  pictorial  post 
cards,  but  we  still  think  that  the  cutting 
of  playing  cards  should  be  left  to  the 
person  on  the  left  of  the  dealer. 


OUTRAGED    INNOCENCE. 

First  Workman.  "  'E  siin  'E  SAW  ME  'CRRT.     'E  DIDN'T  SEE  ME  'URRY.     'E  MUST  HAVE  SEEN 
roc  "URHY." 

Setond  Workman  slung  to  the  quick).  "  'E  NEVER  SAW  ME  "CRRT.     I  NEVEE  "uRRT." 


A  BALLADE  OF  THE  BACKS. 

I  LIKE  my  cousin  ;  only  she  "e 
A  Cambridge  girl,  and  when  I  tried 

To  show  her  wnat  I  thought  would  please, 
And  play  the  Ciceronian  guide, 
She  metaphorically  "  shied  " 

At  all  my  darkly  blue  attacks, 

And  to  each  point  I  made,  replied, 

"  You  've  nothing  like    the   Cambridge 
Backs." 

I  thought  the  stately  lines  of  trees, 

Through  which  the  Cher  and  Isis  glide, 
Would  win  her  heart,  but  even  these 

It  was  her  humour  to  deride ; 

E'en  The  Ashmolean  she  defied, 
And  still  (the  thought  my  bosom  racks) 

In  smooth  "  Fitzbilliambics  "  cried, 
"  You  've  nothing   like   tho  Cambridge 
Backs." 

We  reached  "  The  High ; "  "  Now  then, 

LOUISE," 
Said  I  (as  Univ.  we  espied), 


"  Don't  tell  me  Peterhouse  or  Caius 
Can  match  this  pile ; "  but,  cut  and 

dried, 

Her  swift  retort  my  hopes  belied  ; 
"One  thing,"  she  cooed,  "your  City  lacks, 
Though  you  have  prospects  fair  and 

wide, 

You've    nothing    like    the    Cambridge 
Backs." 

L'Envoi. 

Oxonians,  doff  your  naughty  pride, 
And  go  and  put  your  heads  in  sacks  ; 

Though  you  may  boast  the  Oxford  Side, 
You  've    nothing    like    the    Cambridge 
Backs  ! 


"  All  the  discharge  notices  have  been  sus- 
pended until  31st  April  in  order  to  give  the 
War  Office  time  to  further  consider  the  position." 

Star. 

HENCE  the  expression  "  adjourned  sine 
die,"  BO  commonly  used  when  the  War 
Office  considers  a  position. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Ami.  17,  UK  i7. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Flmeh't  >•  •*».) 

THE  main  pnrpoae  of  Con  Aid  (OanmBu: .  )•• 
SMEDLTT,  ia  to  show  that  a  plain  girl  clerk,  suddenly  estab- 
lished at  the  head  of  a  large  Duaineas  firm.  i. 
the  match  of  any  man  in  con  -   and  in> 

and  at  the  same  time  have  her  fair  share  of  feminine  nunamv. 
The  author  tempers  the  pardonable  arbitrariness  of  her 
design  by  a  certain  measure  of  broad  minded  philosophy. 
Unfortunately  her  knowledge  of  women  is  not  balanced  by 
an  equal  experience  of  men,  and  it  i*  clear  that  she  under 
stands  the  workaday  world  far  better  than  the  more  lurid 
aspects  of  life  winch  are  here  mad-  .is  its  foil  II,  i 

City  man  CunVr,  the  lady-killer,  who  "  rao-d  and  figured 
at  fashionable  gatherings,  and  was  a  personage  wh<->-  doings 
'.ronicl.-d  J,y  the  London  papers,"  is  a  figure  out  of 
old  Adclphi  melodrama.  Many  of  her  scenes,  though  some- 
times needlessly  evp.mdi-d,  show  real  jHiwer  and  even 
nobility  of  thought,  but  the  absence  of  literary  style  and 
the  tendency  to  drop  into  a 
mode  of  diction  that  is  alter- 
nately slipshod  and  tawdry. 
are  grave  defects  in  what 
might  have  been  a  serious 
achievement.  We  are  told  of 
Mary,  the  heroine,  that  she 
wore  "a  grivn  bodice  tand- 
iiirlu-'l  <>u  t»  a  brown  skirt;  " 
that  she  "  Mood  close  np 
against  the  whirring  wheel  of 
indu-iry  ;  her  young  strength 
pushed  the  rim."  Thi- 
ll only  c.|ii.dl'd  by  that  of 
her  counterpart.  Mrt.Klleflree, 
who.  in  a  spasm  of  emotion. 
when  contemplating  elope- 
ment, "  leaned  against  the 
bedroom."  The  unhappy  lady 
had  for  her  husband  a  brute 
of  a  pressman  who  smoked 
a  pipe  while  in  the  act  of 
helping  himself  to  coffee  and 
bacon  at  breakfast.  This 


"I    w.i*     Imrn    a    Whig,'     In-     write*,    in     the    cnllii-lion     of 

ippily  named  <S  <  //curing  ((IRAKI  lihin 

"and  brought  up  in  a  Whiggish  It   is  in   ki-i'ping 

with  hia  subtle  cynical  humour  that  thed  In-  U«>k 

originally  ippearad  in  the  columns  of  ,t  Manchester  !.• 

i-    whose    readers    form    a   cuiiiiiiiiiiily    probably    as    f.ir 
•e    from    sympathy    with    Whiggism    as    the    pm\ 
Ic.     Thi-ir    literary    eharm    i-.    I  nipi-lling 

that    thi-y    would    oven-nine  any    local    or    racial    pn-jn^ 
Mr.    Hi —I'll,    ha*    read    e\erylhinjs'   and    n-iiii-iiilM-rs    jminti-d 
pMsnflrn  at   tin-  right  moment.     His  g»*.-ip  aUmt   multiple 
subjects  is  the   bright    talk  of  a   scholar  and   a   man  of  the 
world,    a    rare    combination.       There    \va-~    a    l»».k     that 
instructed     my    youth     calliil     llnli-  //mirx    » ilk    tin- 
Anting*.       In     thin     volume     we     have     half  -  hours    with 
i!(o|:i.i:    Hi— in.   chatting    alnnit    such    ii  i.je«-ts   as 

Mourning,    t  >\ford.    Sunday    in    Ij>iid»n.    Wine   and    \\ 
\m>-  ami  HoieU.  I'nlilishers.   Handwriting,  Luncheon. 
Pinner,   SII|I|MT.  a   se.|iience  uliich.  eompleiing  the   or> 
meals  of  the  day,  leaves  us  hungry  for  more.     All  are  ^ 
but  a  masterpiece  of  wise  and  witty  talk   alx>ut    compai  . 

nothingness  is  achieved  in  the 
chapter  relating  to  Cider, 
which  leads  up  i|iiite  natu- 
rally to  a  learned  duqoisjtion 
on  the  ( irder  of  the  i  i.irter. 
Describing  a  day  in  the 
Season.  .Mr.  I.'I~MII.  allude- 
to  a  house  "\\here  there  an- 
ortolans  f.  .r  supper  anil  the 
best  band  in  I/union,  but  it 
is  too  sickening  to  be  called 

'  My  boy  '  by  that  bow- window 
bounder,  the  ma-ter  of  the 
house."  Here  is  a  touch  of 
vivid  portraiture  that 
to  recall  a  familiar  |H-rsonality. 
Who  can  it  IM-  ''.  "  I  won- 
der," as  ItKI.ItlMIM  i 

to  aay  before  the  curtain  fell 
on  the  last  night  of  'I'll-  /.'•••/ 
Lamp. 


would  go  far  to  undermine 
connubial  peace,  yet  "  she  upheld  the  chimera  of  his  silent 
worship  in  a  way  that  her  friends  called  '  lieautiful.'  "  Miss 
SMITH  IT  should  have  known  that  the  Chimera  (as  slain  by 
Belkrophon)  was  a  complicated  and  offensive  monster,  and 
not  a  picturesque  theory. 

.ture,  with  deference,  to  hope  that  before  she  publishes 
vt  novel,  win**  appearance  I  antiei|>ate  with  sincere 
pleasure,  she  will  study  some  true  stylist;  and,  since  I  dan- 
not  commend  her  to  take  IMMOIM  from  one  of  my  own  sex, 
I  would  suggest  that  she  should  put  herself  under  the 
tuition  of  that  admirable  writer,  Miss  MAY  SINCI.UK.  1  trust. 
I"-,  that  -he  will  make  a  better  choice  of  quotations  for  the 
headings  of  her  chapters,  and  not  give  us  another  s> 
commonplace  tags  fniu  IlaowxiMU  inters|>erw>«l  with  senti- 
mental cuttings  from  the  cat-opera,  Amnti*. 

Mr    Cm*;*:   UrssKLLis  the  hwt  of  the  Whig*,  within  his 
still  young  lite  a  potent  factor  in  Knglish  j.  >nly  In- 

remains,  a  precioua  posaeasion  for  a  new  Century  that  has 
aeon  the  birth  of  the  Labour  Party.     He  must 
Fee)  like  on*  who  tnw<U  aim* 
ROM  Unquet  hall  dwcrt«H. 
•«•»  8  "  Who*  COMU  u*  fad, 

-    :.  .  • 

And  all  but  he  departed. 


PROPHETIC. 

Voice*  from  eroird  ('migrated  in  aeronaut  in  JiffieuUiet).  "  POLL  WITH 
IIGHT  WHIG!    BACK  WATE»  WITH  TOCB  LETT,  TOO   IDIOT!     Im 

BE1.-M  !  " 


The    whole   of    .1 

Trinity  (Mi  mi  i  \  .  by  h'osuu 
M\i  I>oSMii,    is    di\ided,    like 
the  dog's-eared  Gaul  of  our  schoolboy-days,  into  tin 
Part  I.,  "The  Tliree,"  introduces  a  mother,  father  and 
the  two  last  of  whom  are  unaware  of  each  oth- 
Part  II.,  "The  Two,"  harks  back  to  the  Ix-ginning  of  th 
and  shows  how  it  camealcmt  that  T»ny  I*  I.,  in  tin- 

son  of  Ifandolph  liflluiiie,  the  traveller,  and  hi-ly  .Mary 
frozii-r.  the  artist  (whom  he  supposed  to  be  hi,  aunt  ,  and 
Part  111.,  "The  Trinity,"  or  Three  in  One.  explains  how 
'/'••/;./.  by  insisting  on  the  marriage  of  his  newly  found 
parents,  fashioned  of  their  three  lives  an  isosceles  triangle, 
in  which  the  two  equal  side-.  AH  and  AC.  diverging  fr  im 
their  vertex  A,  an-  joined  to  form  a  complete  conventional 
figure  by  the  third  side  or  base  H< '.  All  three  lines,  AH, 
AC  and  IM',  are  "straight."  Then-  H  some  pretty  lo\-.- 
making  after  the  m.-eting  of  AH  and  AC,  and  BO,  if  at 
a  little  inclined  to  resent  the  snbotdinate  but  useful  function 
of  the  humble  base,  was  not  without  excuse,  and  certainly 
pl.m-d  the  game. 

Bewildering:  Commercial  Candour. 
>•••»    gentleman   (to   tuburban    customer,    in    reply   to   a 
furttion   ai   to  when  tiie  goodt  vould  arrive}.  "One  day  we 
deliver  t lii-re  every  day,  madam,  and  the  next  day  we  deliver 
there  every  other  day." 


APIIII.  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


289 


CHARIVARIA. 

WK  are  pleased  to  see  that  the 
Admiralty  is  continuing  its  policy  of 
secrecy  in  regard  to  the  latest  additions 
to  the  Navy.  It  is  rumoured  that,  with 
a  view  to  further  misleading  our  enemies, 
our  next  giant  cruiser  will  bo  christened 
Thr 


The  Irish  Unionist  Members  of  the 
House  of  Commons  have  decided  to  erect 
in  Ireland  a  memorial  of  the  work  of  the 
late  Colonel  S.u  NDDIISON.  It  will  take 
the  form  of  a  statue.  The  Liberal 
Members  of  the  House  of  Commons  have 
decided  to  erect  in  Ireland  a  memorial 
of  the  work  of  the  late  Mr.  C.  S.  PARNELL. 
li  will  take  the  form  of  a  statute. 


The  amount  of 
money  spent  on  the 
THAW  proceedings 
rather  disposes  of 
the  thought,  so  com- 
forting to  those  who 
are  not  plutocrats, 
that  millionaires 
have  their  trials  like 
the  rest  of  us. 

The  finest  tribute 
to  the  cleverness  of 
Mr.  DELMAS  came 
from  Mr.  THAW 
himself.  In  a  state- 
ment issued  to  the 
Press  while  the  j  ury 
was  considering  the 
verdict  Mr.  THAW 
announced  that 
after  hearing  all  the 
evidence  he  was 
convinced  that  he 
was  innocent. 


The  National  Union  of  Teachers  lias 
ordered  its  unemployed  members  to 
refuse  to  accept  the  positions  now 
vacant  owing  to  the  dismissals  by  the 
West  Ham  education  authorities ;  and 
the  Union  has  the  strong  moral  support 
of  the  children  affected,  even  though 
the  little  ones  realise  that  the  action  of 
the  Union  may  result  in  their  being 
temporarily  deprived  of  tuition. 

It  has  been  stated  that  12,000  poles 
will  be  used  in  the  course  of  the  re- 
decoration  of  the  British  Museum,  and 
"  Patriot "  writes  to  protest  against  the 
employment  of  so  many  aliens  on  a 
Government  job. 

It  has  been  suggested  that,  with  a 


A  boa-constrictor, 
believed  to  be  nearly  a  hundred  years 
old,  has  died  in  Virginia.  It  is  said  to 
have  remembered  news  of  the  Battle  of 
Waterloo  being  cried  in  the  streets. 

From  time  to  time  it  is  rumoured 
that  the  CZAR'S  reason  has  given  way. 
In  the  current  number  of  The  London 
Magazine  Mr.  FOSTER  FRASER  indirectly 
supports  this  rumour.  Describing  the 
CZAR  in  his  private  room,  Mr.  FRASER 
says,  "  If  a  fresh  log  is  wanted  to  re- 
plenish the  fire  the  Emperor  throws  it 
on  himself."  A  sane  man  would  of 
course  throw  it  on  the  fire. 

Recent  revelations  at  Sunderland  and 
Newcastle  and  elsewhere  prove  that, 
in  spite  of  the  charge  that  the  Govern- 
ment is  indifferent  in  the  matter  of 
preparedness  for  war,  the  supply  of 
ammunition  in  this  country  is  larger 
than  it  has  ever  been  before. 


A  SUGGESTION    FOR  THE   SCHOOL  OF  SEA  COOKS. 

TllE   CLASS   FOB  THE   TRAINING   OF    BEGINNERS   IN   STORM    COOKERY. 


view  to  preventing  the  necessity  for 
reducing  the  staff  at  Woolwich  Arsenal 
in  times  of  peace,  motor-cars  shall  be 
manufactured  there  in  addition  to  the 
other  death-dealing  instruments. 

Zoo's  896,423  VISITORS 

SOME   ITEMS  OF   FOOD  FOR  THE  ANIMALS 

are  headlines  in  The  Observer  which 
strike  us  as  wanting  in  tact. 

The  statement  that  Eastbourne's  new 
orchestra  will  be  known  as  "  The  Duke 
of  DEVONSHIRE'S  "  is  not  quite  correct. 
Herr  P.  TAS  is  to  conduct,  and  it  will  be 
called  "  Der  Duke  von  DEVONSCHIRS 
Orchester." 

The  Daily  Chronicle  is  very  enthusi- 
astic about  the  colt  "  Pom,"  which  made 
a  successful  appearance  at  Newmarket 
last  week.  He  must  certainly  have  ex- 


ceptional staying  power  if  our  contem- 
porary's exclusive  information  be  true. 
The  I'lirmticli'-  makes  the  almost  in- 
credible statement  that  he  is  entered  for 
the  Epsom  Derby  and  Doncaster  St. 
LegeroflOSO. 

The  trials  of  model  aeroplanes  at  the 
Alexandra  Palace  last  week  proved  be- 
yond a  doubt  that  aeroplanes  will  be  so 
dangerous  that  many  people  will  fly  on 
merely  catching  sight  of  one. 

In  discussing  the  play,  "  Votes  for 
Women,"  the  Daily  News  says  : — "  K\  cry 
one  of  the  actresses  and  actresses  were 
splendid."  It  only  shows  how  success- 
fully the  playwright  had  imbued  the 
stage  with  an  atmosphere  of  femininity. 

Picture  postcards 
of  Prince  ARTHUR  of 
Connaught,  says 
l-alTaii,  are  being 
circulated  in  Servia 
by  a  secret  society 
which  wishes  to 
place  him  on  the 
throne.  However, 
forewarned  is  fore- 
armed. Every  pre- 
caution is  being 
taken  to  prevent  the 
Prince  being  kid- 
napped, and  he 
certainly  will  not 
submit  without  a 
struggle. 

Since  their  visit 
to  this  country  the 
Colonial  Premiers 
have  become  con- 
firmed in  ,-their 
views  as  to  the 
necessity  for  Pro- 
tection. If  food  were 

dearer,  there  would  be  fewer  Banquets. 

They  recommend  a  moderate  taxation  of 

food-stuffs   instead    of   over-taxation   of 

digestive  organs. 

Mr.  WALLACE,  K.C.,  pointed  out  at  the 
Newington  Sessions  last  week  that  there 
was  a  marked  diminution  in  criminal 
cases.  As  compared  with  the  corres- 
ponding period  of  the  previous  year 
there  were  twenty-five  fewer  prisoners. 
One  of  our  leading  criminals,  interviewed 
on  the  subject,  declared  indignantly  that 
this  is  merely  due  to  the  shocking 
inefficiency  of  the  police. 

A   Sporting   Offer: 
"  CENT'S  bicycle,  30s.,  or  exchange  for 
better  one." — Bedford  Daily  Circular. 

" '  Will  you  take  tea  with  me '  or  '  Will  you 
have  tea  with  me '  are  phrases  not  current  in 
society." — Queen. 

WHAT  do  they  say,  then?     Whiskey? 


vol..  rxxxn. 


too 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHAR1YAKI 


[Arm  LM,  1907. 


THE  RETURN  OF  THE  DOVE. 


ith  Hi*  \U><tr   King   fi»«i.. 

IW  hoMiliiT  o(  •  Mction  of  Uw  German  Pre»-    Aa  the  poet  |>uU  il  : 
-.  lit*  mmdiaf  Buuaoa*  Tin 

The  rilUin  critic  lUndi. 
Aw)  UM  muttering*  of  hi*  rmuMio  DM 
Are  Unfa  a*  German  band*. 

IWt  (tore  are  cq»ola>io»a  of  internaUooal  import.] 

•  I  I  Icrald  i  >f  a  C.olden  Age, 
\\  .iftod  this  way  on  white  and  downy  wring*! 
Forget  the  heathen  critic's  idle  rage 

1  bow  he  said  the  most  annoying  things. 
II.  TV  in  the  Mutes'  haunt,  the  actual  country 
Preferred  by  Pu'wr*""*  for  hie  home  address. 


ur  marrow  in  the  sun,  THEE, 
.  ng  Press. 

V.'.  II  may  you  mock  those  journals'  jealous  tone, 

•  hoed  in  a  higher  judgment-seat 
Master  of  every  Art  to  mortals  known, 

Tli<>  astonied  KAISER  stooped  to  kiss  your  feet  ; 
And,  barely  waiting  his  august  permission 

Itunortstrate  their  homage,  hand  and  hoof, 
Nightly  the  audience  at  your  exhibition 
Stood  up  and  razed  the  roof. 

And  other  boards  than  those  your  buskins  trod 

Witnessed  your  triumph  when,  with  wassail  lined, 
You  grew  in  waist-girth  visibly  like  a  god 

<  >r  a  Colonial  Premier,  over-dined  ; 
Till  Marvobrunncr  and  the  beer  of  Munich 

Lent  such  an  amplitude  to  your  inside 
That  you  could  nt  rvtch  the  folds  of  Falttaffi  tunic 

With  your  unaided  hide. 

showed  your  genius  ;  thus  you  found  your  way 

Into  tin-  Teuton's  else  impervious  heart, 
Which  only  yields    and  then  an  easy  prey  — 

To  that  insidious  blend  of  Ale  and  Art  ; 
Through  this  combine,  in  which  our  Brewer-Poet, 

SuAK.xrrjutF.  of  Stratford,  shone  among  the  best, 
German  and  Briton  —  'tis  to  you  they  owe  it  — 

Embrace  each  other's  breast 

Therefore  in  vain  the  Anglophobia!  crew 

Orders  a  Dreadnought  every  second  week, 
For  now  the  Eagle,  largely  thanks  to  you, 

Sits  chatting  with  the  Lion,  jowl  by  beak  ; 
And  grateful  Ministers,  profoundly  brooding 

O'er  plans  for  running  England  on  the  cheap, 
Joy  to  observe  your  olive-branch  exuding 

Oil  on  the  troubled  deep.  0.  S. 

ACTS  of  Parliament  are  interpreted  in  Wales  according  to 
the  spirit  rather  than  the  mere  letter  of  the  law.  As  for 

:     •    •     • 

"To.  in*  proMcnbao  under  law  new  Dap  Act  waa  heard  at  Car- 
tnartoen  OB  SatwdBy,  when  •  botcher  WM  fined  31*.  W  .  for  not  proper); 
barring  the  caraM  of  three  com  and  a  boJL"-SoWA  Waltt  Daily  Poaf 

WE  understand  that  there  is  one  really  great  moment  in 
Uw  new  Lyceum  melodrama,  "  Her  Lore  against  the  W,  r]<l  " 
when  Mr.  KOMUX  PAITEIDGE,  who  plays  the  hero,  passionately 
declares  that  he  will  die  game. 

*•*  *r.  Pundi  desires  to  state  that  the  Stonecutter  Street 
which  was  named  in  his  last  issue  as  being  the  addreH  of 
the  Headquarters  of  the  "  Criminal  Literary  Agency  "  is  not 
the  Stonecutter  Street  which  contains  the  offices  of  The  Star 
and  Thr  MomiMf  Leader,  but  another  street  of  the  sa 


a 


ANIMALCULES  AT  THE  ALHAMBRA. 

Mr.  I'nwli't  ImffUlioitttoU  hrnmnli-  I'n' 

Wm.v  as  the  accredited  repi  '.!,:  J'unrli.  I  t...k 

my  seat  at  the  Alhambra  the  other  evening  to  will, 
first  appearance  of  a   conijiany   of  Animalcii!-  nled  " 

I  iy  .Mr   Cimtn.s  I'ttiivNoii  the  stage  of  his  admirable'  It 
1  confers    to    feeling    considerable    doubt  whether    they  would 
•'catch  DM."       I    thought   it  ii  /in'ori  unlikely  that  the 
possess  more  than  a  rudimentary  notion  of  Humour,  or  that 
with   all   their  efforts  they  would  Miccn-d  in  ent<  r'.aining  any 
audience,  "f  ta-te  and  refinement. 

Still  I  deteniiin.il  to  IH>  just  if  stern.  •  .lier  that  all 

Art    must    have    its   beginning,    to   make   all   due   alluuaiiii-s. 
\\ell,   1    mrd   not    have   ]K  —  I\    uneasy.       As  a   matter  of   fact 
ihcfie  little  artists  played  with  a  vivacity  and  go,  an 
aplomb,  and    cntrn'ni   which    1   have    m-\er   set  n    equalled 

I't  of  course  in  the  performances  of  "our  Ir.dv  neigh- 
bours "across  the  Channel.     I   make  till-  :i,  merely 
because  it  is  cuRtonuiry  in  dramatic  criticism*  .ifterany  allusion 
to  ,-Hxrmble,  not  because  it  : 
which  it  ilo- 

None  of  these  Animalcules  seemed  to  show  tin 
to  take  the  centre  of  the  stage  or  mouo]«ili>e  the  limelight; 
they   scorned   all   artificial   traditions   and    (-.invent ions,   and 
were  content  to  appear  simply  as  themselves,  thereby  affording 
a  noble  example  to  some  of  our  most  popular   theatrical 

•elebrities. 

The  entertainment  in   which   they   appeared   was  called 
'  Nature's  Closest  Secrets"-   a  happy  title.     1   do  not   k 
which  of  the  Animalcules  suggested  it.      The  programme 
curiously  reticent  as  to  the  Christian   and   surnamis   of  the 
Dcrformcrs.     It  may  be  that  they  insist  on  preserving  their 
monymity — but  if  so,  it  is  time  they  were   informed   that    no 

\e  loses  eattc  nowadays  by  going  on  the  .-• 

As  they  expressed  themselves  entirely  in  dumb  show.  1  did 
not  follow  the  precise  meaning  as  closely  as  I  could  ha\e 
wished;  but  I  was  conscious  of  a  similar  inability  to  ;.  • 
he  significance  of  some  of  the  pantomime  in  the  two  magnili- 
•ent  ballets  which  preceded  and  followed  the  Animalcule- 
•vidently  the  fault  lay  in  my  own  intelligence. 

The  scene  opened  with  a  lively  bustling  representation  of 
'  Kotifcrs  Itojoicing."     I  quite  expected  the  hero  t 
luring  the  festivities,  but,  l>eing  unable    to   identify    him, 
•oncliided  that  lie  must  be  there  in  disguise. 

Then  came-  an  interlude,  illustrating  "  Life  in  a  Drop  of 
Water,"  which  was  interesting  for  it.-  !.«-.d  colour,  but  did 
not  seem  to  me  to  do  much  to  advance  the  plot.  1  uas  still 
vailing  for  the  hero  to  appear  and  be  accused  of  something 
le  couldn't  have  done  even  if  it  had  ixvurrod  to  him. 

However,  when  the  "Sensational  Slipper  Animalcule  " 
'ollowed  in  a  lively  Knocknliout  Act,  I  began  to  realise  that 

had  mad«  a  Stupid  mistake.  It  was  not  a  Melodrama  at 
all — but  simply  a  Variety  Show. 

On  the  whole   I  \vas   relieved     the  mental  strain  was  less 
••.      1'erhaps  the  "Slippers"  erred  somewhat  on  the  side 
if  farcical   extravagance;   but   this  was  duo  to   high   sp> 
md   1   have  no  doubt  will  be  toned  down   in   subsequent 
•erformances. 

After  this  the  "  Al- Fresco  Combination  <  'oinedy  ( 'ompany  of 
larvest  Mites"  appeared  in  a  little  Drewing-Room  Sketch, 
vhich  they  rendered  \\ith  a  quid  unforced  liumoiir  and 
Irollery  that  Were  j-crf.vlly  inimitable.  The  smallest  mite 
n  ]>articul;ir  revealed  him-. -If  a-,  a  I.  .w  comedian  of  rare  gifts, 
l.y-play  and  facial  e\pr.  --i.  ,n  were  sini].|y  imm>  n  -.-.  I 

'    alK.nt  the  n.-\t  turn,  which 

eemed   to  be  a  Cake-walking   Kxbibition   by  the  "  Aearina 

Troupe  of    Corybantic   Cattle  ticks."       Hut,'  to    be    frank, 

wo  or  three  of  the  performers  seemed  to  be  so  paralysed  by 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARTVART.— APRIL  24,  1907. 


A  DANIEL  GONE  FROM  JUDGMENT. 

THE  YELLOW  JUDGE.   "NO    MORE    CRIMINAL    CASES    TO    BE    RE-TRIED    BY    ME!     WHAT'S    TO 
BECOME  OF  JUSTICE— AND  MY  CIRCULATION?" 

["An  enterprising  Press  had  rushed  in  where  jurists  feared  to  tread,  and  re-trial  by  newspaper  threatened  to  take  the  place  of  re-trial 
before  a  judicial  tribunal."— Attornei/Jjcncral,  introducing  Bill  for  the  constitution  of  a  Court  of  Criminal  Appeal.] 


Ai-niL  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


293 


SPEEDING    THE    LINGERING    GUEST. 

r.  "  DON'T  RIDE  AWAY  WITH  MRS.  BOIIF.HAM'S  UHDREI.I.A,  BOBBIE." 
Bullie.  "  \Viiv  NOT,  MOTHER?    I  WON'T  HURT  IT." 

You    MIGHT,   DEAR.      AND   ANYHOW   SHE 'l.L   BE  WAXTINt!    IT   DIRECTLY." 


Btage-friglit  that  they  were  quite  unable  to  do  themselves  j  any  Cheese-mite  Coryphee  to  do  anything  that  might  tend  to 


justice.      Still,    a    little    nervousness    is   very   natural    and 


pardonable  on  a  first  night, 
a  finely  artistic  temperament. 


Indeed,  it  often  accompanies 


A  Shadow  l>ance  by  a  Trio  of  Highly-trained  Tortoise- ticks 
was  more  successful,  and  roused  the  entire  house  to  frantic 
enthusiasm. 

But  the  bonne  louche  of  the  whole  entertainment  was  a 
Ballet  Divertissement  by  a  Corps  of  Tyroglyphic  (I  trust  I 
have  got  the  name  right  I  found  it  in  an  Encyclopaedia) 
Cheese-mites.  I  understand  (again  from  the  Encyclopaedia, 
which  is  quite  a  Who 's  Who  for  these  circles)  that  they 
are  all  in  the  "immature  eight  legged-nymph  "  stage  of 
ili'\rl..|i]ni-nt.  However  thin  may  lie,  they  formed  a  perfect  bevy 
of  budding  Acarine  beauty,  and  won  the  hearts  of  all  beholders. 

Their  evolutions  were  slow,  languorous,  dreamy.  Exactly 
what  they  were  designed  to  convey  I  do  not  quite  know. 
At  one  time  I  thought  the  general  idea  might  be  to  express 
"  the  poetic  exaltation  of  a  group  of  romantic  young  Cheese- 
mites  immediately  after  their  native  valley  had  been  irradiated 
liy  the  roseate  glow  produced  by  a  glass  of  fruity  old  port." 

But  afterwards  I  concluded  that  the  intention  could  hardly 
have  been  of  this  Bacchanalian  order.  Because,  in  the 
I! rand  New  Ballet,  "The  Queen  of  Spades,"  by  their  human 
competitors,  which  concluded  the  evening,  I  noticed  that 
Total  Abstinence  was  strongly  inculcated  in  the  final  conflict 
I iet ween  Good  and  Evil— the  Spirit  of  Good  (which  of  course 
triumphed)  being  represented  in  apotheosis  as  "La  Source" 
under  the  name  of  a  well-known  aerated  table  water. 

So  it  is  most  unlikely  that  the  Management  would   permit 


neutralise  the  moral  effect. 

But  whatever  might  be  the  inner  meaning  of  their  minuet, 
let  me  hasten  to  say  that  there  was  nothing  in  it  that  could 
call  for  censure  from  the  most  austere  moralist.  Or  at  least 
/  saw  nothing. 

A  pleasing  feature  in  the  show  as  a  whole  was  the  thorough 
enjoyment  which  all  these  Tiny  Mites  and  Lilliputian  Ticks 
so  obviously  took  in  their  work.  This  seems  to  me  a  proof 
that  their  training  cannot  have  been  imparted  by  any  harsh 
methods.  And  since  their  performance  comes  on  at  9.35  P.M., 
and  is  over  long  before  ten  o'clock,  there  is  no  ground  for 
representing  that  their  health  is  likely  to  suffer  by  their  being 
kept  up  too  late. 

The  only  danger  is  that  their  little  heads  may  be  swelled 
by  such  sudden  and  startling  success.  Not  that  I  see  any 
reason  to  apprehend  this  at  present.  None  of  these  interesting 
little  Ixodes  (Encyclopaedia  again ;  but  why  not  announce 
them  properly  in  the  programmes?)  appeared  to  me  to  realise 
in  the  least  that  it  had  made  a  hit  at  all.  They  remained 
perfectly  modest  and  unaffected  through  all  the  thunders  of 
applause  that  greeted  them. 

I '.less  their  innocent  little  hearts — now  I  come  to  think  of 
it,  I  rather  fancy  they  do  not  possess  such  organs ;  but  no 
matter,  if  they  had  hearts,  they  would  be  innocent,  I  feel  sure 
of  that-—  may  they  always  preserve  their  crystalline  simplicity 
and  candour  even  under  the  trying  ordeal  of  a  Stage  career ! 

F.  A. 


MOTTO  FOR  Pim-RE  POSTCARD  BEAUTY  :   Simper  eadem. 


I  -I 


1TNCH.   nil   T1IK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Araii.  24,  1907. 


ALL    LIES. 

RCAU.T,  to  do  justice  to  a  play  )>\  Mr 
Cum  FITCH,  one  ought  to  haw- 
sera*]  years  in  America.    Nut  : 

•  -d.  one  IB  apt  to  suppose  that  Mr 
to  say  the  least  of  it.  has  him-  If 
•K-veral  yi-arn  in  tin-  thi-.itiv,  with- 
out going  outside;  whereas  tilings  which 
appear  to  000  stagey  and  theatrical  in 
hut  work  are,  possibly,  masterly  obser- 
vations of  real  life.  They  do  such 
curious  things  in  America.  For  exam  pi. 
when  the  husband  in  77,,  Truth  which 
is  not  being  told  at  the  Comedy  Theatre 
—having  quarrelled  with  his  wife  for 
telling  IMS,  relates  to  her  father  how  he 
"satin  his  room  and  clench"!  his  t<vth." 
he  may  be  describing  an  ordinary  A  m.-ri 
can  occupation.  In  a  French  play,  if  one 
does  not  know  much  of  French  x«  -iety. 
one  gives  the  author  the  benefit  of  the 
doubt,  and  assumes  that  matters  which 
hare  an  improbable  look  to  one  are 
natural  in  France  ;  and  one  should  do 
the  same  with  plays  which  come  fnun 
America,  This  one,  to  be  sure,  has 
been  divested—  and  by  a  skilful  hand— 
of  obvious  Americanisms;  the  dialogue 
with  hardly  a  lapse  —  I  only  caught  one 
"around"  is  the  speech  of  London. 
and  the  action  is  made  roughly  con- 
forming; hi  ill,  I  for  one  felt  myself  in 
New  York  nearly  all  the  time.  I  admit 
I  have  never  been  there  really,  but  1  am 
sure  Mr.  CLYDE  Finn  has  given  me  the 
right  feeling.  However,  it  is  a  bright 
little  play,  its  effects  cleverly  contrived, 
and  its  characters,  if  rattier  much  of  the 
theatre,  distinct. 

All  that  does  not  matter     but  please 
don't  cut  it  out,  Mr.  Editor.     What 


matter  is  that  Hiss  MARIE  TKMPKKT  has  a 
thoroughly  good  part.  In  a  sense  it 
does  not  signify  very  much  what  Miss 
TEMPEST  plays.  She  has  the  don  dit 
tMdtrt  to  a  degree  so  rare  on  our  stage 
that  any  part  she  plays  seems  credible 
and  distinguished.  She  is  always 
"  there,"  always  in  the  picture  ;  the  stage 
when  she  is  on  it  seems  the  room  it  affect* 
to  be.  It  is  the  great  fault  of  our  players 
to  lack  this  gift  altogether,  to  be  ob\  i,  .iisly 
taking  part  in  a  game.  Miss 
r-  with  very  few  others—  has  it 
beyond  dispute,  and  adds  to  it  a  great 

I^Jit^Lr^l  ajyv^nlUt      s  quality  dis 


tinct  from  it,  though  necessary  for  iu 
right  effect  I  have  sometimes  thought 
she  presumed  on  it.  playing  carelessly 

•'imping,  but  there  is  i. 
this  in  TV  Tnith.      She  tells  her  lies 
admirably— the  light  ones  with  an  air 
compounded   of  pleasure   in  den 
md  irritation  at  being  asked  awkward 
questions ;  and  the  serious  ones  with  the 
feeling  most  cleverly  indicated  that  "  I 
can't  help  it,  but  this  is  really  the  last." 
Her  best  moment,  however,  for  wl. 

•        i    •    •     .     :         ;  :    ;    .   -       v..,-       . 


her  hii-Kmd  found   her  out  and   i 
:»•   broke  d"\\n  and    pi- 
.d  innoccnre  .md  luve  fur  him  will 
a  choi.  It  was  a  tine  moment  ol 

i  far  worse  pl.ix 

..lie    in  •(    to    In-    in^s.-d.       Hy    the    I 
should    like   to  know  if    Mr.  Cim:   him 

has  taken  /.'--./  H  .n  /.  r  in  IKT  lighter 

from   lif.  man   who    lell> 

r  the  pli-asureof  invention,  neither 

.111  end  of    M- 
imp.-!  >n      does  she  evist  ''. 

\  have  kn-.-.wi  one  or  two  men  like  thai. 
ami  they  were  such  agreeable  fellows 
ih.it  I  should  like  to  meet  their  female 
e<|uivalent  :  1  never  ha.  other 

had    not   a   great    chance.      Mr. 
iw-oV  Mll.WUtn,  ns  the  worthless  lover. 
was  delightfully  ca-  r.  and  Mr. 

AIM-\N'II:IH  as   the  husband  played  his 
•ion  creditably.     M: 


STOOPMO  TO  COXQI-F.I. 
Mr.  Dawsna  Milwanl  and  Miss  Marie  Tempest. 

H-II  ic.vi  IT  was  an  elderly  ne'er  -do- 
well  of  a  familiar  type,  and  Miss  I : 
r'll.HTl's  talent  was  thrown  away  on  the 
port  of  an  amorous  landlady,  which,  how- 
•ver,  she  played  with  devotion  and  good 
i  u  mou  r. 

I  do  not  know  if  Sir  CHAIII.KS  WYXHUH 
bought  1  could  make  a  good  joke 
ibont  Tl,,-  Truth  and  Tlif  Li.irt,  if  he 
d  the  Litter  play  at  the  Criterion 
while  the  former  was  running  at  the 
Uomedy.  If  HO  1  am  truly  sorry 

^mode  several consci.  nt i. >ns  effort* 

without    success— to   disappoint     him, 

••an  inw».  iher  resiHon   for 

Mr.   HKMIY   Aitnuu 
•i    so   many    pla\s    with    iilea 
md  '  thought     underlying     them 
UO0   of    the    lin^t    frivolous,    like    Tl,,- 

liilin      that     r 

really  a  pity  to  choose  a  play  of  his 
which  has  nothing  in  it  but  a  little 
clever  manipulation  of  entrances  and 


It    h.i-   not   even  ,rt  for 

Sir   CIUIM.I.-.      How   could   1   thin!. 
joke    when    I    was    alni<»t    wi-eping     at 

;i;ht   of    his   splendid    technique, 

M!!    and     sun-ness    of     touch,    HI 
thrown    awaj   '       Mi.    MT.   the    , 

•  ally    MI    gi.»l    as    it     was    when 
the     play     u.is     ln-,1     produced. 
M  MtY     MOOUK     still     j>lays     the     h. 
prettily   and    graci-fully.   of  iimr-e.   and 
Mr.    KKMIIIK     U    droll     in    the    t«i    few 
minutes     he    is     sii'li.    but      Mi>s     li:i  M 

1  oil    and    Mr.    V\\i:    Tcvri-i    ar.- 
ill    replaced,  and    as    for    the  actor  who 

n'i\ed    the   preposliToiis   husband  .  .  .  . 
to  pain  Mr.  1'uin-h'x  kindly  !• 
and     Ix'sides     I    would     not     dri\ 
ClIUll.l-s    WYNHI iv,    of    whose    tine    art 
we  see  so  much   t<K>  little,  away   from 
London  by  unnecessary   rudeness  to  his 
colleague. 

Hy  the  way.  I  doubt  these  lyinj,'  plays 
bad  effect  on  one's  morals.  The 
Comedy  is  ;i  dillicult  theatre  to  leave 
when  it  is  full,  es]>ecially  on  a  rainy 
ni^-lit.  The  rain  pelted  when  I  \\;i, 
tin-re,  and  the  iiudiei  d  inclined 

to  bivouac  in  the  hall.      A  powerful  ami 
determined    lady,   just    in    front   of   me. 

heard  her  carnage  called,  and  pr<- 
to  march    King   through    the  end 
flesh  and    blood  as   though    she   wen- 
fording  a  river.      I   followed   meekly  iu 
her  wake. and  when  anyone  ^ot  ].et\vcen 
us,  "  Excuse  me,"  said  I,  "  I  must  follow 
my  wife."     They  pitied   me  and   smiled 
and   made  way.     I   think    I    lied    rather 
well.  I; i  i  . 


Btducing  the  Volunteers. 

"  BATTAI.IOS  Orders  .  .  .  Men  living  in 
tlovan  and  I 'i^trict  may  fall-ill  al  i 
l-'erry  at    ].!."»  r.y.     Uniform     Keview." 

Qtaiyoie  .\Vic*. 


Heard  at  the  Savoy. 

Girl    (ill     lh>'    ijiiUfrif.     ri'.i./i./.;     ;ir.- 
ynimmc):  •"  1'nli,  ,,•-,:  an  .-esthetic  opera.' 
jiii ntfill >/)  Oh,  JOHX,  'tain't  comic. 

It'smtheti 


Commercial    Candour. 

a  Cambridge  shop-window  : 

N(.»  i  iin    i 
W  A  RUSTED  AM.  KRESB. 


GOOD  (or,   rather,   bad     amateur    jier- 
formers,  when  thi-y  die,  go  to  liallymena  ; 

•  •  that  is  where  Tin-  BaUymma 
mes  out.     The  nlixfrii-r  has  a 
st\le  of  it.s 

"  I  >r  (  '.'•«  uiatiipulatiiin  uf  Uie  organ  »| 

iirro-o  with  iln  own  voice  of  the  cicel- 


'  tlie  perfor 

:.tiun  uf  thin  item  was  moot 
Bublime." 

Mr.       acquitted  him-  If  uitli  muck  lustre." 


APRIL  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


295 


MY   PARASITE. 

AWHILE  ago,  when  sore  opprest 
With  parlous  noises  on  the  chest, 
I  h.>:ml  some  lunatic  suggest 

That  for  a  simple  cure 
A    porous    Plaster,   clapped    upon    the 

brant, 
Was  cheap  and  sure. 

This  garment  I  made  haste  to  don  ; 
And  truly,  ore  a  week  had  gone, 
It  wrought  a  magic  spell  upon 

The  megrim*  and  the  cougli  ; 
The  only  trouble  is,  that  now  it  'B  on 
It  won't  come  off. 

I  've  tried  the  corners  first  —in  vain  ; 
I  've  tried  against  and  with  "the  grain" 
Day  after  day,  and  suffered  pain 

Enough  for  any  six  ; 
I  say  I  Ve  worked   it  till  I  've  roared 

again, 
But  there  it  sticks. 

It  may  be  that  one  ought  to  feel 
The  pathos  of  its  mute  appeal ; 
I  grant  that  in  its  dog-like  zeal 

The  creature  far  transcends 
The  love  of  brothers— ay,  and  sticks  a 

deal 
Closer  than  friends ; 

Still,  even  then,  enough 's  a  feast ; 

Besides,  the  poor  devoted  beast 

Is  getting  shabby,  frayed,  and  creased ; 

And,  though  it  doesn't  show, 
Its  presence  isn't  nice,  to  say  the  least ! 
Far  from  it !     No. 

But  there  it  is  ;  and  means  to  stay 

Apparently  till  judgment-day ; 

And  doubtless  when  I  'm  old  and  grey 

The  thing  will  yet  be  there ; 
Soap  doesn't  seem  to  make  it  go  away, 

No  more  does  prayer. 
•          •••*• 

P.S. — I  've  just  been  pained  to  read 
That,  when  the  hour  has  come  to  speed 
The  parting  guest,  you  merely  need 

A  strong,  determined  clutch ; 
Then  give  a  few  sharp  jerks,  and — oh  I — 

In-deed ! — 
Thanks  very  much ! 

DuM-DuM. 


"THE  STRAPHANGER'S  EXPRESS." 
PRELIMINARY  ANNOUNCEMENT. 

THE  conductors  of  The  Straphangers 
I:'.r/n-fss  mean  to  run  it  on  new  and  up- 
to-date  lines.  It  will  be  a  radical 
departure  from  the  ordinary  track.  That 
another  morning  paper  is  wanted  cannot 
be  denied.  To  offer  the  straphanger  a 
newspaper  of  conventional  proportions 
is  a  mockery  ;  without  two  hands  and 
elbow-room  it  cannot  be  unfolded.  The 
straphanger  who  attempts  single-handed 
to  manipulate  a  broadsheet  finds  it 
physically  impossible  to  turn  overleaf, 
and  after  three  minutes'  jostling  by 


Bus  Driver  (to  Van  Driver,  wlto  is  Hocking  the  way).  "  T.RE,  THAT'S   A  NICE  BIT  O1 
FREEHOLD  YOU  'VE  GOT  THERE  !  " 


fellow-pendulums  he  is  left  with  a  mere 
fistful  of  shreds,  fit  for  nothing  but  a 
paper-chase. 

Thus  the  straphanger  is  deprived  of 
one  of  the  necessaries  of  life. 

To  fill  the  gap  The  Straphangers 
Express  is  being  started.  It  will  be  a 
newsbook,  not  a  newspaper.  Consisting 
of  48  pages,  each  5  inches  by  4,  it  can 
comfortably  be  held  in  one  hand.  The 
problem  of  turning  over  the  pages  pre- 
sented some  difficulty,  and  many  experi- 
ments were  necessary  before  a  solution 
was  found.  By  the  adoption  of  stout 
paper  and  an  ingenious  form  of  binding, 
a  newsbook  has  been  produced  the  pages 
of  which  any  straphanger  can  turn  over 
with  ease  and  certainty  by  a  simple 
movement  of  his  nose. 

The  new  paper  will  adopt  a  go-ahead 
policy ;  it  will  be  carried  on  by  pro- 
gressive people.  To  alleviate  the  tedium 
of  travel,  an  element  of  humour  •will 
pervade  its  columns  ;  raillery  and  irony 
will  not  be  lacking.  But  the  humour 
will  be  mild  :  it  may  make  the  strap- 
hanger smile,  but  it  shall  not  make  him 
hold  his  sides,  since  to  induce  the  latter 
operation  is  to  expose  him  to  injury  if 
not  to  death.  At  the  recent  inquest  on  ' 
an  unfortunate  straphanger  it  was  proved  ! 


in  evidence  that  the  deceased  was  read- 
ing a  periodical  called  Punch,  and  was 
contorted  by  a  joke  just  as  the  motorman 
applied  the  brakes.  Never  shall  it  be 
said  that  The  Straphanger's  Express  lost 
a  reader  in  this  way. 

The  first  issue  will  contain  a  number 
of  special  articles  likely  to  have  a  direct 
interest  for  those  who  move  in  strap- 
hanger circles.  The  L.C.C.  members 
who  were  rejected  at  the  last  election 
will  tell  how  they  lost  their  seats,  and 
whether  they  intend  to  stand  again. 
There  will  also  be  first-class  articles 
on : — • 

Parliamentary  Returns,  and  their  bear- 
ing on  Fare  Trade. 

Platform  Politics.     By  an  Old  Buffer. 

Should  the  Straphanger's  Corn  be 
Protected?  (With  a  footnote  on 
Retaliation.) 

From  a  Swiss  Cottage  to  the  Mansion 
House.  By  a  Waiter. 

The  Growing  Indifferenceof  the  Masses 
to  Class  Distinctions. 

The  Origin  of  the  Phrase :  "  Up 
Guards."  By  a  Bakerloo  Veteran. 

There  is  reason  to  believe  that  the  new 
paper  will  enjoy  from  the  very  start 
exceptional  advantages  in  the  way  of 
circulation. 


1 1 


ITNVH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AreiL  24,  1907. 


HENRY'S    IDEA 


You   mean 

the  A 

ivc  his  Uxiks 
^  .  -   I  must 


and    then    finding    afterward-  .Ir.-sop  works  out    his  batting  average, 

that    they    hadn't    i                       .n^e   at  all.  Hiittn                    -,'••«    mean    decimal  - 

OK  TBK  OOCVTT  OHAMnamair.                                •>,,.  m,».i   ^lorious  thin.  •  .  a  man  who  ii»k  French  must 

'n  Seen  the  great  and  ^                    i- ever  h.ipp- n.-d  in  this  world.       It   -  U-   the   very   dick.  us.      One   mii.-tn't   bo 

new*?"  aakcd  i'                                                 what  Tin-  >'/••                    11-   MI-UK  Kiinii  in  surprised  now  if  all  the  r,-.-t  of  on: 

IVII  i                              •!!,..  uho  make    <»ir    F.mpire 

"Why.  it's  the   lincM   tiling  l!                     "The   p..                    rather  funny  alH.ut  wh.il  it  i-- follow  suit.      Sn.l-lli  s  lti<«. \H.K 

Brer    happwit                                                                             S.me   of   them   are   .1  .11^.  and    the  Ad\  i.-ory  t'ommittee 

••  Ol    the    M. ('.('.    h.iH  discovered   a    that  the  order  <  :                               •mpclitiou  of  the  F».tball    A— '••iatioii  unanimously 

adopting,  his  new  plan  of  counting 

l\\o   f,  ,r  c\er\  .L'".ll   Ill-lead  of  one, 

in  order  t"  encourage  shooting; 
IXUAN  coining  excitedly  nj.  with 
the  .n  that  cai: 

should  fount  six  and  ]M«-kets 
Or  nine,  and  Iteinjj  welcomed 
with  o|«'ii  arms  by  the  Hillianl 
Ailvi.-.ry  Commiitec ;  l"oMiinv 
with  his  new  idea  of  dividing  the 
present  lawn  tcnnU -c.  .iv-  by  live 

forward    the    Ad\  i.-ory    l.awn- 
Ti-n;:  itiou  (  ih.  it  's 

it.  urea!  d.iy  for  Filmland  I  " 

"Hut  how  would  \i' >it  arrange 
the  county  championship."  1  said. 
l«.-in^'thal  I  hey  asked  you?" 

"\\  ell.of  conr-e  there's  only  one 
ideal  way  of  .scoring,  and  tl. 
the  way  by  which  one's  own  county 
collies  top.    I  /it .,  of  peopled!  -cover 
it  just   at  the  end  of  the  se 

and  write  to 7%« SportMiaw about 

it.      1  once  knew  a  man  who  lived 
in  the  iM-aiitiful  1'eak  country,  and 
he  had  invented  a  most  elai»>rate 
system.      1  can't  remember  it  all. 
but  roughly  the  idea  was  live  for 
•  and  unmix   two  for  a  win, 
and  soniethin^'extra  when  W  \ 
played  lor  Filmland.      His  county 
always  came  out  lir-t  that  way." 
"  No,  but  seriously  ?  " 
"  Seriously,  the  tiling  could  IK- 
done  quite  easily.    The  chief  com- 
plaint against  the  present  -\.-tem 
is  that  the  drawn  gamcmaki 
difference  toacounty's  percent. IL,'<-. 
If  a  draw  bniu^ht   your 

down,    then     certain     t. 
wouldn't  ly  lo   |,1. 

one.   Very  well  then  ;  all  you  have 
to  do  is  to  divide  a  coi ml  \ '-  points 
by  the  number  of  matches  y./ci/c./, 
instead  of  by  the  miinlier  tin'i 
In  this  way  e\ery  time  a  coiinly 
draws  amatchitadenominatoi 
larger,  and  its  numerator  remains 
the  s:ime.  f^erhaps  numerator  and 
denominator  are   rather   dillicult 


new  way  of  work  in.  'iam- 

:  |       I-  •  ') 

count  five  Cora  win  and  minu*  two 

f    r    .!--.;,•  i  i   .. 

divide  llie  points  by  the  nuinU-r 
of  tjn 

"Oli,   1  diil  li«ir  about 
It's  mront    to  rno.ur.i^.-  enter 
1  f:u-t  scoring,  and  so  on, 

-  W.  11.   I  don't   know    that    it 
will  <1«  t:  ."  Kiiil  HEXRT. 

•'  Hut   it   mi^ht  encourage  Too- 

111  N  IVK  .1    : 

••T..i>   Ht-vm? 
dun  't  you?" 
in  viv.it 

roan.  It  on-lit  to 
a  bit  of  a  !.•;;  u|>. 
really  send  that  ix.py 

IhvKY  ihiirkli-.l   to  hini-i  If  as 
ho  filial  his  j.ipo. 

"  1  ilon't  jinifi-ss  tn  IH-  much  nf 
anintlu-iiuiticiun  m\.-«  If."  ht>  ui-nt 
on,  "  lull  I  rciiM'inUT  that  tlu-rr 
wu  a  cliaptcr  ndknl  •  llatio,  l'n> 
l«  .rtion,  and  Variation  '  that  camo 
in  the  Alxi-l.r.i  for  the  Littl. 
I  auppOBO  Jf>s»p  niitwd  that. 
•onK-how.  Perhaps  he  t<  «  >k  Fn-iu-h 
inatend.  Hut  if  h<>  had  cv<-r  di  n.- 
r  if  he  had  consulted  any 
wlioilljoy  Jirht,  ho  would  never 
havelinuight  up  his  ^reiit  srheinc. 

"V«,    of    course,     the    two 
methoda  of  scoring  arc  exactly 
the  same,  really.     I  know  that 
mtwt  sound  alinnst  incredilile  to 
a  man  wbo  took  Freneh  for  hi- 
Ijttlei;,..  but  H>  it  is.     V. 
nrw-lf,  don't    you?     \\ 
memn  in  that  if  K.-i  •  ...\,- 

Yorkshire  on  Uioold  -\-t.-m.  Kent 
kbound  tobeaU.ve  Vorkshir  .....  . 

the  new  one.     And  if,  next 
JlMOP  has  another   brilliant 
of  <i>unting  n  million  for  a   win. 
and  mimi*  ihirty-wvcn  f,.r  n  loss 
the  counties  would  Mill  I-   in  the 
•unepoMtion.    !;.•,-•  IV 
ami  Variation:    it  all  (IHIH-H  int..  tli.it 

inii-t 

glad 


BOUSEBUNTINa  A  [>. 

TUB  KITC-OEM. 


1100. 


FLATlll'NTIMi,   A  I> 
THE  Kn 


What  a  wonderful  nuin 

All  the  nun*,  though,  I  am 


but  for 


c,f     the 


that,    the   Advisory 

uoii|,|  never  have  had  t 

'         -    -      •  I     '•':'. 

'       '      '  '          .     '  .     •     '  ! 

earnest  cricketers  solan 

whet!  >e  was  ripe  for  a  startling 


us  the  same  under   the  . 

IM-.   but  they  still   think  it   .-  ,.nl\ 
a   "'incidence.      *  )ne  of  the  .\l<iit    mm 
]«>int.-  out   pronilU  that    the    I 
all    \Miuld    !»•    to   di\i<le   the  \\ins  liv  the 

finished  matches,  and  he  makes  out  his 

hltli'    table   to   -how    it.       (If    e,,ur-e    the 
order   is   still   the   K  that  is 

•'iey  have  ' 
only  thi-y  don't 


;i 


to  wonder  now  how 


I'.ran  M.t  '.(  '.  Ad\  i  -  .ry  (  'ommillee. 
' 


so  I  'II    take  an  example.      York-hire  has 
-  i\    .  won   |H,  I,,,|   -J.  dr.i«n  L'. 

proportionate  point!  ,",.    Now 


pla\,-l 

I'oiuts.s 

it  plays  Sussex  and   drav\~.       I'oir,- 
proportionate  |-,ints  ,\.      In  oilier  unrds 
it  no   longer   pays  them  to  draw. 

' 


It  '.-  '|ilite  simple. 
"What,   are   you 


find 


me  some  string. 


•in  MI  i:  t 


Well,  j  nut 
I   mn-t   send  ulf 


APRIL  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


297 


A  PLEA  FOR  PANEGYRIC. 

T>y  the  Editor  of  "  P.  T.  F."  ("  Praise 

to  the  Face.") 

De  mortuis  nil  nisi  banum  is  in.  its 
way  an  excellent  adage,  but  why,  in  the 
words  of  dear  old  SOLON,  should  we  wait 
for  the  end?  Why  not  antedate  our 
eulogies  and  bestow  them,  when  well- 
merited,  on  the  living  as  well?  There 
has  long  been  a  ridiculous  prejudice 
against  "praise  to  the  face,"  due  no 
doubt  to  that  Pagan  superstition  em- 
bodied in  the  story  of  the  Ring  of 
I'oi.vi-KATKS  ;  but  the  progress  of  civilisa- 
tion has  gone  far  to  eliminate  it  from 
the  mental  equipment  of  the  up-to-date 
journalist.  Cynics  and  misanthropes 
strive  to  disparage  the  beneficent  influ- 
ence of  panegyric  by  comparing  it  with 

butter.  Yet  a  dispassionate  inquiry 
will  abundantly  convince  all  but  the 
most  prejudiced  observers  that  the  com- 
parison is  honorific  rather  than  the 
reverse.  Butter  is  the  supreme  product 
of  milk,  which  is  the  recognised  emblem 
of  human  kindness.  The  cow,  except  in 
rare  moments  of  irritation,  is  the  very 
incarnation  of  gentleness,  serenity  and 
magnanimity.  HOMER,  that  grand  old 
prophet  of  the  land  of  Nod,  employed  the 
epithet  "  ox-eyed  "  to  express  an  essential 
attribute  of  feminine  beauty.  The  Irish, 
the  grandest  race  under  the  canopy, 
have  been  largely  reared  on  butter- 
milk. 

It  is  not  for  me  to  dwell  on  the  extra- 
ordinarily nutritious  qualities  of  cream, 
but  I  may  be  permitted  to  note  that  in 
its  tropical  sense,  as  the  grammarians 
say,  it  stands  for  all  that  is  noblest  in 
the  social  and  most  exalted  in  the  intel- 
lectual sphere.  The  Egyptians,  the 
most  wonderful  people  in  the  world's 
history,  exalted  the  cat  Pasht  to  the 
level  of  a  Divinity,  and  where  would  our 
cats,  brown  or  white,  be  without  milk, 
cream,  and  inferential^  butter  ?  Life 
without  lubricants  woidd  be  impossible, 
or  at  best  a  succession  of  intolerable 
jars.  Think  of  the  Esquimaux  bereft 
of  blubber,  of  bicycles  minus  their  little 
oil  baths,  of  railway  travelling  without 
the  solace  of  that  rich  golden  unguent 
which  is  inserted  by  trusty  officials  in 
the  axle-boxes  of  our  great  express 
trains!  Lastly,  it  is  not  for  nothing 
that  the  initials  of  the  new  and  most 
exalted  order  of  O.M.  are  identical  with 
those  of  Oleo  Margarine. 

Of  course  occasions  must  arrive — 
painful,  inevitable  occasions — in  which 
indulgence  in  the  delights  of  unbridled 
adulation  must  be  restrained  by  a  sense 
of  proportion  and  of  one's  duty  to  society. 
We  would  not  go  so  far  as  to  assert  that 
all  murderers  are  benefactors,  or  that 
Sultans  can  do  no  wrong.  But  it  is 
always  possible  to  dwell  on  extenuating 


"  OUR  NEW  CURATE  SEEMS  TO  BE  AN  ALTRUIST." 

"  Oil,  DO  TOU  THINK  SO  ?    I  QUITE  THOUGHT  FROM  HIS  INTONING  TIUT  HE  WAS  A  TENOR." 


circumstances — provocation,  a  defective 
education  or  the  demoralising  influence 
of  absolutism — and  to  temper  the  vinegar 
of  censure  with  the  honey  of  charity. 
Let  us  never  forget  the  parricide's  im- 
pressive plea  for  mercy,  on  the  ground 
that  he  was  an  orphan.  Besides,  the 
criminal  classes  have  many  engaging 
qualities,  and  judicious  panegyric 
(in  a  signed  article)  may  at  least 
induce  them  to  refrain  from  exercising 
their  predatory  instincts  at  our  own 
expense,  whereas  violent  abuse  may 
single  us  out  for  attack.  It  is  reported 
of  a  famous  editor  of  the  old  school  that 
he  was  wont  to  instruct  his  contributors 
in  the  following  terms :  "  Be  kind,  be 
merciful,  be  considerate,  but  when  you 
meet  a  silly  fool  string  him  up."  This 
awful,  this  Rhadamanthine  precept  no 
longer  holds  good.  The  school  of 
BLUDYER  is  no  more.  We  live  in  the 
day  of  LAUDER  and  laudation.  In  the 


words'of  ]one  of  the'greatest  of  contem- 
porary singers : 

"  Our  foemen  no  longer  we  bludgeon, 

Our  pettest  aversions  we  bless ; 
For  the  crustiest,  crassest  curmudgeon 

Will  yield  to  a  gentle  caress. 
Of  old  for  correction  men  clamoured, 

But  now,  in  these  happier  days. 
Of  unchecked  adulation  enamoured 

We  wallow  in  praise." 


Mors  Janua  Vitaa. 

[The  following  Irish  notice,  designed  for 
local  consumption,  appears  in  some  woods 
near  Killarney.] 

NOTICE 

In  accordance  with  the  Provisions  of 
26  and  27  Viet.  ch.  115 

POISON 

has  been  laid  down  for  the 
PRESERVATION  OF  GAME. 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Arnn.  iM,  I'.HIT. 


•' 


U.  toC  UTAIE  C8  A  METE  Or   BBEAD,  K1XU  SlS?" 
"  (  irrtlXIT.   MY  GOOD  MAN  — MOWX  OB  WHITE?" 


TllnniMTS  AM)  A   DIARY. 
(1.)    THE  TBOCGOT*. 

my  I>iary.     I  must  write  it 

up    l.ut  it  V  tx\clve  o'clock,  itllil   I  ' 

•    up   rarly    to -morrow.       Ve«,   a 

•    n    )ittl< 
Then-!  I  know  that  n\phon  would 

all  over   lli'-    t.d'lc.        V  in-ilr. 

l>  t     Illl-     T-T.         VIM,     |]|f>    .III). 

i.  ll--iit.   anil    tin-    talk  splendid.       Miixt 

to  di  :  iinl.lnl.il 

us.     II.  began     "  Nol«>dy  rends  Mil  io>, 

'••red  linn 

all  of  bim. Mid  read  ! 
M.   scrrnin  .1    with  ; 

i    tln> 

•  l.y  o-niem|".i.irM  -       Nobody 
••!•-,-!     •  i       ,     -     except  ] 
who  mixed  him  nj.  will 


l.AXT>,  tho  President  ..f  tli.-  1'nit.il  E 
('.    said    In-   didn't    \v;mt    to   marry    hi.- 
deccasi-d    wife's   sisi  .illy    as    he 

hadn't  got  a  wife,  and  H.  said  the  whole 
controversy  showed  an  extraordinary 
want  .if  t.iMc,  \\liieh  made  (  '.  very  angry. 
"  llnw  uUmt  the  Colonies  ':•"  he 
l"|i  rain.-  ,|ii.-ti.,n  of  duliiieile.  ]i.,lly 
d.-Uil..!  !,v  F.  and  M..  \vho  thought  w'e 

I'.inx'  ti»nnui-h  for  the  ('..!.,  i, 
<  inn  ii  \.ilulily.      It.  a^k.-d  him 

!    mi   a    |-i  .k    in 
U'K«ed  him  )..  renieiiilH-r 
that    if   hi-  did   Htan.l  th.-r,-  In-  an 

iln-  ,|ii.,t.,ii..n  and  I..-  -il.-nt    . 

'H'le  eyes.  ;.-d  that   n 


i  hen   ihr.-c 
Qgth. 

Hie     i 

..I;,,     time 


.-ili-iit,  lint  In- 
i  he 


liijiif- 
.  and    .M.    .-aid    the 


:inient     wa-i    K"i"K     from    liad    to 

whereupon  H.  delliil  him  i"  .1.- 

i:d    he  wmdd   do   it. 

l!y   thi-i   time  F.   and   ( '.    had    IM-^IIII   to 

M  )-«  try.       I',    -  .id   there 

li   tiling  as  religious  |M»-try  : 

ihrre  was  oid\    ;  If  it  ua-  liad  a- 

|>.n-try  it   eoiildn't    1>- 

toleralile   1  ••  '     WM    written    in    a 

religioua  spirit.    Bomebody  thought  n-- 
l.ke  English  imi-ic. 

and  every Innly   el.-.-   laughed    BOOrnfulIy. 

i  t"  .  \|  and  all  this  and  write  it 
down  in  full,  (iitr.vit.it:  would  have  done 
it.  Time  to  po  to  li,  d.  luit  must  fill  up 

l>iary.    Diary  ia  an  eternal  bore    t' 

'il.t   about     it.       \\Y11,    well!     I'll 
write. 

(2.)    TIIK  DIARY. 

I'nll  weather.      I'ined  with  M..  S.  I'. 
F.  and  ( '.     (\<i«\  diiiii.-randiiiueht.dk. 


A     PAI.'Al.l.r.L 

I'l  \i:  Mi:.  l'i  M-H,      1  know   I  'in  only  a 
,  so  perhaps  I  can't  ar^'ii,-   \,-ry  well. 
-o  will  yon  tell  me  what  with 

this  that  I  -;-id  to  l-'alher  y.--terday  ? 

Vou  must  know  that  Father  is  a 
very  kivn  .-tati-.-man.  Me  st.«>d  for  tin- 
division  last  eleetioM,  and  jn-t  failed 
to  get  ill  hy  thr- 
owing to  the  other  side  lyin^  BO.  Fv.-r\ 
morning  he  reads  out  liits.  from  the 
-  at  breakfast,  and  -a\.-.  ••  There! 

Whal  did  I  pro;;iiostie;ite  V"  and.  "  (  lli. 
for  half-an  hour  of  ( 'n  \MiiKiti.\i\  !"  and 
tilings  like  that.  \\'e  generally  i;i  t  the 
eveninj;  jiajw-r  of  the  day  In-fore  at 

bnakiast,  and  fortl  --k  In-  ha- 

"The  Colonies  wish   to  draw  el. 
us  through  1'referenee.      This  i-  our  la-t 
chance.      Shall  we  dis;ippoiiil  tin: 

The  lir-t  day  or  so  I  didn't  mind,  and 
I  -aid.  "  (  Mi.  don't  let's."  or  som.-lhini; 
like  that.  Hut  after  the  sixth  time  I 
^'ot  rather  hor.-d  ;  so  I  a-k.d  ('IIXKIII: 
what  I 'reference  meant,  and  he  explained. 

Well,  this  morning,  when  fath.  i 

ded  very  sweetly,  and  then  1 
•'Father.  I   wi-h   to  dniw   c|...-er  i 
through  the  medium  of  an   extra 
year    dr.-s  money.       Tin  r    last 

chance.      Will  you  disappoint  meV" 

Mr.  I'liii'-li.  it  was  awful  the  thii 
s;ii.l.  lint    I    manapil  to  gather  that    he 
woulil.      Yet  isn't  the  idea  just  the  I 
I  'o  explain  to  me.  l» 
nnder-tan.l  everything. 

Your  friend,  F.n 

FROM   a   paragraph    in    tin- 

\',-ir«.  lieadeil  "Today's  <iolf": 

I  l.-i-t  in  tin-  -II..M  pin.' 

won  easily.  S-mt-ii:  l."UJ.-i  receive!  I'"'. 
loo.  ]n«  ..-..  ii;;  " 

I/'\i  Po-i'-  handicap  is  tremendous,  and 
if  only  his  long  game  would  improve  he 
ought  to  win  a  .Monthly  Medal. 


rUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- -  APRIL  2-1,    1907. 


THE    ONLY   WAY-BUT    ONE. 

MR.  HALDANK  "  AND  WHAT  ARE  YOUR  VIEWS,  GENERAL,  AS  TO  THE  RAISING  OF  A  CIVILIAN 
ARMY?" 

GENERAL  BOTHA.  "WELL,  WE  FOUND  IT  SIMPLE  ENOUGH.  WE  RELIED  ON  THE  SPIRIT  OF 
THE  NATION."  MR.  HALDAKK.  "  AH  !  "  [Left  thinking. 


APUIL  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


301 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  Tour,  M.P. 


of  Commons,  Monday,  April  15. 
-  Ixird  ROHEKT  Cwn,  entering  House 
just  now  provided  interesting  example 
of  how  the  mind  sometimes  unconsciously 
moulds  the  action  of  the  body.  If 
possible,  he  is  a  more  devoted  Church- 
man than  In-other  Hum.  Its  creeds, 
functions,  formula1,  and  furniture  are 
dear  to  his  heart.  Halting  at  the  Bar 
on  his  way  to  seat  above  the  gangway. 
he  dropped  into  attitude  that  presented 
to  admiring  House  perfect  model  of  a 
church  lectern.  With  elbows  pressed  to 
sides,  he  held  with  both  hands  a  copy 
of  the  Orders  widely  opened.  Above 
this  reading-desk  were  seen  his  shoulders 
shrugged  high,  his  head  bent  over  the 
paper  he  studied.  His  legs  closely 
pressed  together  served  as  pedestal  rest- 
ing on  feet  with  toes  out-turned.  No 
one  would  have  been  surprised  if,  up- 
lifting his  head  and  closing  the  opened 
paper,  he  had  intoned,  "  Here  endeth  the 
first  lesson." 

Possibly  force  of  habit  might  have  car- 
ried him  so  far  but  for  the  rousing  cheer 
that  greeted  Mr.  LUITON.  That  diffident 
Member  had  on  the  paper  question 
addressed  to  Chairman  of  Kitchen  Com- 
mittee inquiring  "if  he  buys  vaccinated 
veal  for  the  House  of  Commons,  and  if 
not,  will  he  endeavour  to  purchase  some 
if  the  price  is  moderate  ?  '  '  General  feel- 
ing regarded  the  demand  as  unreason- 
able. If  LOFTON  likes  vacci- 
nated veal,  it  is  a  luxury  he 
should  treat  Jiimself  to  in  the 
privacy  of  his  home.  On 
such  a  question  there  are  five 
or  six  hundred  others  to  be 
considered.  If  precedent  esta- 
blished, there  is  no  reason 
why  another  voluptuary  might 
not  insist  upon  chitterlings 
forming  a  course  in  the  shil- 
ling dinner  to  whose  elabora- 
tion and  perfection  JACOBY  has 
given  up  laborious  days,  for 
which  he  has  suffered  feverish 
nights. 

JAOOBT  met  the  situation 
with  dignity  worthy  renown 
of  a  long  line  of  Chairmen  of 
the  Kitchen  Committee.  At 
the  outset  he  created  some 
surprise  by  producing  a  glass 
instrument  of  colossal  size. 
On  first  glance  it  looked  like 
a  mammoth  soda-water 
tumbler.  New  Members  be- 
gan to  think  it  was  the  in- 
signia of  the  Chairman  of  the 
Kitchen  Committee,  who  wore 
it  as  the  doorkeepers  display 
their  gilt  badges.  Circular  in 
shape,  it  was  something  short 
of  a  fix  it  in  diameter  and  Mr 


L_ 


THE  LORD  R-B-BT  C-C-L  LECTERN. 

(A  Suggestion  to  Ecclesiastical  Equipment- 
makers.) 


AN  INTERESTING  AND  REMARKABLE  SPECIMEN. 
J-c-by,  liis  Magnifying  Glass,  and  Professor  L-pt-n. 


gleamed  brightly  in  the  afternoon  sun. 
It  turned  out  to  be  merely  an  eyeglass, 
produced  for  the  more  convenient  read- 
ing of  the  written-out  answer  with  which 
the  Chairman  of  the  Kitchen  Committee 
rebuked  the  indiscretion  of  the  Member 
for  Sleaford.  1  laving  consulted  his  copy 
of  a  recent  issue  of  the  Encyclopaedia 
Britannica,  JACOBY  was  fortunate  in  find- 
ing veal  within  the  time-limit  of  subjects 
dealt  with.  He  gleaned  the  interesting 
facts  that  vaccinated  veal  is  "very  dark 
in  colour."  In  course  of  cooking,  this 
peculiarity  is  accentuated  to  the  extent 
that  "the  meat  turns  quite  black." 

"  I  must,"  said  the  CHAIRMAN  in  a 
final  sentence  spoken  with  unfaltering 
voice,  "  decline  to  comply  with  the  hon. 
Member's  request." 

The  House  was  quick  to  recognise  the 
loftiness  of  tone  running  through  this 
brief  answer.  The  CHAIRMAN  OF  THE 
KITCHEN  COMMITTEE  has  no  narrow  pre- 
j  udices.  He  .did  not  object  to  vaccinated 
veal  per  se  as  an  item  in  the  daily 
dinner.  But  the  colour  arrangement 
alluded  to  seemed  to  preclude  its  admis- 
sion, leading  him  to  the  conclusion 
which  shattered  Mr.  LUPTON'S  hopes  of  a 
succulent  meal. 

Business  done. — C.-B.  moves  Resolu- 
tion providing  for  closure  of  debate 
on  Procedure  Rules  at  10  o'clock  to- 
morrow night.  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  a  master- 
ful man  in  this  matter  when  he  ruled 
the  roast,  equally  surprised  and  pained. 
Resolution  carried  by  289  votes  against 
87. 

Tuesday  night.  —  Out  of 
depths  of  drear  dulness  sud- 
denly rose  a  breeze  that  pre- 
sently reached  proportions  of 
a  storm.  It  was  all  about 
C.-B.,  at  the  moment  placidly 
eating  his  oysters  at  the 
Eighty  Club  Banquet  to  the 
Colonial  Premiers,  sipping  his 
petite  marmite,  toying  with  his 
filet  de  sole  Marguery,  think- 
ing tenderly  of  the  o«/*iv/r'« 
d'Argenteuil  to  follow,  and 
wondering  how  any  man  with 
such  opportunities  should 
hanker  after  vaccinated  veal. 

Question  arose  as  to  what 
precisely  the  PREMIER  had  said 
on  EDWARD  CARSON'S  amend- 
ment to  Procedure  Rules  do- 
signed  to  give  Members  op- 
portunity of  making  as  many 
speeches  as  they  like  on  Re- 
port stage  of  a  Bill.  At 
present  are  limited  to  de- 
livery of  one.  C.-B.,  having 
undertaken  to  accept  the 
spirit  of  CARSON'S  amendment, 
presented  material  body — "a 
corpse,"  CARSON  called  it— in 
form  of  amendment  which 
limited  to  Minister  in  charge 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Anm.  24,  1907. 


Scu.i>o  A  RAPHAEL  ("Tiie  EXODCB"). 

When  Mr.  Aaq-th  announced  that  millionairea  leaving  orer  3  million*  will  pay  10  per 
rent,  on  Uw  inl  million  and  15  per  rant  on  the  remainder,  Mr.  ll-ph-1  row  and  left  the 
Honw  in  d  aguat,  amid  roar*  of  laughter. 


of    Bill    and    Member    submitting    an 


t  the   privilege  of  speaking 
t  •*  .  i  •  • 

"  A  breach  of  faith !  "  roared  CARS-IS-, 
in  beat  OM  Bailey  manner,  shaking 
threatening  forefinger  at  empty  dock. 

McKcxXA  made  apirited  retort,  which 
brought  up  PBIXCE  ARTHUR,  who  con- 
tributed moat  dramatic  episode  to  the 
acme.  Testified  on  evidence  of  his 
own  hearing  that  C.-B.  had  given  the 
pledge  described. 

"  It  would,"  he  said,  "  be  in  accord- 
ance with  the  beat  traditiona  of  the 
HOMO  if  even  now  the  Government 
wen  to  sar  they  had  made  atatementa 
and  given  pledge*  which  the  aimpleat 
and  moat  universally  accepted  prin- 
ciple* of- 

Hi-re  ho  paused,  whilst  the  Home 
waited  for  completion  of  a  terrible 
indictment 

Well,"  he  added,  ahnigging  his 
shoulders  and  gazing  round  at  listening 
throng,  "I  really  do  not  want  to  em- 
bitter debate,  and  will  leave  the  sentence 
unfinished." 

("Another  cut  of  that  excellent 
poularde  du  Man*." 

Twas  the  voice  of  the  PBEMID,  re- 
cognisable across  apace,  whispering  his 
wants  at  the  Eighty  Club  Banquet, 
all  unconscious  of  the  turmoil  in  th<> 

'      •:.:       :.- 

Honr  Fowtn  almost  affected  to  tears 
by  this  attack  on  his  absent  colleague. 


ALFRED  LTTTELTON,  on  whom  judicial 
manner  fitly  sits,  generously  absolved 
the  PRIME  MINISTER  from  deliberate  inten- 
tion to  deceive.  He  had  probably  not 
im-.int  to  convey  impression  current  at 
that  side  of  the  HOUR?.  But  the  question 
was  not  what  was  in  his  mind,  hut  what 
he  had  publicly  said. 

"A  perfect  scandal!"  cried  ROBERT 
CECIL,  throwing  up  long  lean  arms  with 
gesture  reminiscent  of  the  late  WILSON 


BARRETT  when  itu|iiiring  with  iteration 
how  I"HK"  'li'l  anyone  think  this  sort  of 
thing  was  ^'oiiif,'  on. 

matcly  division  at  hand  to  soothe 
tin-  savage  lirea-l.  Minist.-riali-t- 
iMiisti-n-'l  majority  exceeding  L'INI.  At 
10  o'clock  guillotine  draped  on  the 

•..VIIC.  fll-lmg       I'll        <>p|M.Mtlon 

U-nches    that    if    justice    w.-re    done    the 
I    lln-    I'm. \Mt.it  would  mil  into  the 
luskct.       "  In-lead    of    which"    it    \va.- 
their  aineiiilinenls  that  were  one  ! 

ilit-apitatttl.    Two  hours' marching  and 

coiinler  inarching.      At    wmnd    of    mill 
ni^lit    Ixi'tuiiiK  from    l!i^'   l'»-n  ta.-k  com 
j.leteil.      Formerly    we    had    two   Crand 
( 'oinniitii-es.       Now  —  converse  of   the 
case  of  the  ten  little  niggers  at  a  certain 
stage  of  their  depletion— now  t! 
be  four. 

Huxiness  done.     New  Procedure  Rule 
carried. 

Thursday.     When    in    course   of    his 
speech  explanatory  of  the  HuiL- 
came  to    deal  with    Itaith    1'utie.-,  the 
faces  that  thronged  every  part  of   lions.- 
from    floor    to    side    ^all  .-nted 

curiously  interesting  study.  Meml>ers 
thought  they  had  heard  the  worst  or 
the  l>est  in  the  CHANCKI.IJIK'S  statement 
about  the  Income  Tax.  When  Iiedr 
ominous  hint  of  foraging  among  the 
Death  Duties  in  order  to  balance  the 
deficit  created  by  readjustment  of  Income 
Tax.  a  cloud  drop|>cd  over  the  sea  of 
faces.  It  wa-;  for  the  most  part  up- 
lifted when  A  sol  mi  mentioned  t! 
estates  not  exceeding  value  of  £150,000 
the  current  rate  of  duties  will  remain  in 
force.  Below  the  gangways  on  l»>th 
sides  this  was  felt  as  a  personal  relief. 
What  happened  to  friends  and  neigh- 
bours likely  to  "cut  up"  for  more  than 
£150,000,  was  a  matter  of  sympathy  hut 
not  of  home  concern.  Ai.rm:i  -  t  'MOI-IH- 


TV 

Ihrir  f. 
•     •  • 
Mr 


>e  alarmed ;  thia  merely  repreaenta  certain  iliKtingiiiiiheil  Unionist*  enj^i^oil  in 

'•:-•••       :'         •...-•.!•..    ',;  -      t«|   ,  [    |.rr:i-'!i  .  f   f:i.t!i  an- 1  v:ir:'.ns     I'M--: 
— a  tner  do  with  a  ferocity  and  a  wealth  of  invective  worthy  of  -        ;  t»it,  like 
lUlfour,  we  do  not  want  to  wnbittir  detuite,  no  «e  leave  the  aentenre  unfinifcln"!. 

(Mr.  B-lf-r.  Sir  K.  0-ra-n,  Mr.  A-at-n  fh-ml-rl-n,  and  I/ml  R  1.  rt  < 


APRIL  2-1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


303 


WKIK 


Oil 


the 


on   one  side   joined   Mr. 
oilier  in  hearty  cheer. 

As  the  inexorable  CHANCELLOR  went 
on,  slowly  but  surely  piling  added  im- 
post on  accumulated  millions,  one  saw 
here  and  there  a  brow  suddenly  clouded 
with  discontent.  The  figure  of  three 
millions  reached  and  the  tax  still  going 
up,  an  affecting  incident  befell.  RAPHAEL 
ronld  no  more  bear  the  rack.  Rising 
from  his  place  he  with  pained  footsteps 
muile  for  the  door.  Non-millionaire 
Members,  their  withers  unwrung,  broke 
into  shout  of  laughter  which  for  some 
moments  interrupted  the  CHANCEI .LOU'S 
discourse.  But  ASQUITH,  though  a  Chan- 
cellor of  the  Exchequer,  is  also  a  man. 
Instinctively  feels  sympathy  for  a  down- 
trodden class  even  though  they  be 
millionaires. 

"  The  added  taxation,"  he  said,  when 
silence  was  partially  restored,  "applies 
only  to  the  property  of  the  dead.  It 
iliK's  not  affect  the  incomes  of  the  living." 

But  RAPHAEL  was  beyond  sound  or 
sign  of  consolation,  carrying  his  sorrow 
with  him  into  the  outer  Lobby. 

Business  done. — Budget  expounded. 


OUR  NEW  AERODROME. 

(  INK  does  not  usually  associate  humour 
with  machinery,  but  the  efforts  of  the 
twenty-odd  model  aeroplanes  to  achieve 
flight  at  the  Alexandra  Palace  on  April 
15  were  distinctly  mirth-provoking,  and 
we  are  of  opinion  that  all  possible 
encouragement  should  be  given  to 
inventors,  if  on  that  ground  alone.  A 
few  comic  flying  machines  would  go  far 
(in  a  metaphorical  sense)  to  redeem  the 
dulness  of  an  ordinary  garden  party. 
Of  those  which  were  previously  ex- 
hibited at  the  Cordingley  Motor  Show 
we  observed  several  that  were  quite 
enlivening  by  their  mere  appearance — 
notably  the  red,  white  and  blue  ottoman 
with  six  legs  which  apparently  sucked  up 
air,  and  the  bird  of  corrugated  aluminium 
with  borrowed  albatross'  wings,  which 
would  fascinate  any  modern  Ancient 
Mariner.  There  were  many  others 
whose  entertaining  capabilities  were 
only  revealed  by  the  later  actual  trials 
in  the  open  air. 

Mr.  1'niifli,  therefore,  proposes  to  hold 
very  shortly  a  further  Aeroplane  Com- 
petition  in  the  vacant  building  plot 
between  Aldwych  and  the  Strand.  The 
First,  Second,  and  Third  Prizes  will  be 
Mr.  Punch's  Priceless  Esteem,  (1)  for 
Twelve  calendar  months,  (2)  for  Six 
ditto,  and  (3)  for  Three,  respectively. 
Entries  are  invited  for  the  following 
sections : — 

A.  Air-skidders :  of  not  less  than  1 
wild-goose  power,  guaranteed  to  cause 
diversion  among  the  bystanders  by  short 
unexpected  sprints  in  zigzag  direc- 
tions. 


EMPLOYERS'    LIABILITY  (MORAL). 

Cflin.  "WE  DO  so  HOPE  TOO 'LL  BE  ABLE  TO  DINE  WITH  cs  ON  THURSDAY  WEEK,  DEAR  LADT 
GERTRUDE." 

Lady  Gertrude.   "I'u  so   SOBRT, — I'M   AFRAID  I  CAN'T   POSSIBLY,  AS  I  HAVE  TO   CHAPERON 

MY   MA1I>  THAT   EVENING   TO   ONE   OF   OUR   VILLAGE   DANCES   IN   THE  CHURru   SCHOOLS." 


B.  Aeroboomerangs  :  to  create  hilarity 
by  recoiling  on  the  exhibitor's  head. 

<'.  Tnrtleplanes :  diffusing  joy  by 
flapping  vigorously  with  their  wings 
and  flopping  to  the  ground  in  an  inverted 
position. 

D.  Daisy-cutters  :  to  raise  a  laugh  by 
travelling  along  the  surface  among  the 
L.r.C.   brickbats   in   search   of    spring 
wild-flowers— cutter-rigged  fore  and  aft, 

E.  Set-pieces:    to   please    the  junior 
members  of  the  company  by  a  firework 


display— will  not  be  expected  to  budge 
from  the  starting-point. 

There  will  be,  in  addition,  a  miscel- 
laneous class  for  models  constructed  of 
sardine  tins  and  bits  of  newspaper  and 
string,  for  giant  tip-cats,  for  colossal 
grasshoppers,  for  man-lifting  fleas,  and 
for  all  other  risible  aids  to  aviation. 
Designers  and  inventors  will  accordingly 
please  walk  up— they  are  not  called  upon 
as  yet  to  fly,  but  only  to  add  to  the  gaiety 
of  London.  ZIG-ZAG. 


1 1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  -I, 


LITTERS    WITHOUT    ANSWERS. 

From  It  <'••/    V.i/./«-m.ir  /•>  Sir  \\\\r»n 
/•/.•//•m,.rv.  M.It. 


.'  1.107. 

llr    i».«    rmmuoiir      1    ..-i    he 
in  birly  comfortable  quarto*.  The 

journey    wax  tiring,   luit    I   think 
we  have  now  :  fniin  the 

..     1    KIN  i.nt    Mrs. 

MAIXCMAB  »  a  traveller  whom 
nothing  ran  fatigue.  Tl»-  only 
thing  that  worries  me  is  your 
ukase  against  niuniLiii-.  1  don't 
think  you  realty  understand  how 
necessary  a  little  stimulant  onl\ 
little  has  \»vn  to  me,  and  to 
stop  thorn  suddenly  and  completely 
in  this  way  may,  according  to  a 
medical  I  ratine  which  I  have  l»vn 
rending,  be  a  dangerous  tiling. 
Will  you  not  reconsider  this 
of  your  treatment.  and  name  some 
light  and  harmless  wine  that  1 

take?  There  ia  a  rrri/  «/r;/ 
light  champagne  in  this  how 
which  the  Maitre  d'll.'it.-l  tell-  me 
is  a  favourite  with  dy-i^-pties 
Plnaelet  me  know  at  your  earliest 
convem.  •«  ••.  if  |MMsilile  liy  win-. 
Yours  very  gratefully, 

•I! 


i-.illy  nil.  and  yet  lie  wa.s  j.utt'uiK  away    Imtth-    of     eha; 

•  li/er  with     ^-rffct   com-    dinner.  Yoiir-.de 


|-Kiire   and   iiinlideiice.      !!'•    liail    thi 
dining  one  ruIil"T.  and   \\ln-n  I    left  in        1 
order.   !•>•    \"iir   nil  i    l»'d    liy    pniCCSace 

n  infernal  INT.-  .  In-   « 
Miiing     another.       From    the     few 


II. 

//,V,  VorrA  21. 

MY  I*:MI  fun  I.IIIORK,  I  am  sorry 
that  you  feel  *o  strongly  nUmi 
my  total  alr.iin.-ii.-e.  I  think  \on 
ought  to  know  4 hat  I  met  at  lunch 
to-day  a  very  delightful  and  well- 
informed  num.  a  retired  Indian 
Civil  M-nant.  who  M-eins  to  have 
had  very  much  the  same  kind  of 
turn  th.it  I  have,  and  you  know, 
of  i-oiirse,  what  India  is  when  a 
man  has  a  good  liver,  to  say 
nothing  of  anyone  pre>i 
•  l\-l<-|i«ia.  Well.  I  wusas'oiii-hed 
to  set*  him  drinking  claret  freely. 
and  he  said  that,  prejudicial  as  he 
finds  all  other  wine*  and  ,-piritn, 
•  has  never  don.-  him  any 
harm,  and  •) allowed  hy  his  medical 
advi-.  -in-  to  me  that  he 

and  I  nwmtile  each  other  \>T\ 
clum-ly  so  clottcly.  in  fact,  that 
would  probably  !»•  n.>  harm 
in  my  adopting  his  regimf.  Hut 
of  course  1  do  n  i  care  to  do  so 
without  your  sanction. 

I  am,  your*  -  < 

••B  MALUF.IIAK. 

in. 

IIM  XUJVT**.  Vir/..  V.ir 


e     at      lunch     and 
•fipoiidently, 

•  •I;  MMJH-IVAR. 
am    \ery    tlat.    nnd    my    vital 

to     me     dongeroualy 

IV. 

-  :'r, 

l»l  Ml      I'llll  I  IMoHC.       (  Ine      I 

with   kindred   .sufferers   in  si; 

•  lay.    in    the   train. 
on   tl.'  Mfiitone.    I    found 

'.  d  next  to  a  very  .! 
Fellow,  •  chauffeur  from  <dn- 
on    his    way    to   a  new    em]  ! 
liradnally   we    got    into   coin 
lion,  and  I  found  him.  like  n 
although  otherwi-e  a  xtnmg  man. 
a  martyr  to  ilefective  alimentation, 
which.  I  mi-d  hardly  say.  lie  called 
liy  another  name.     Notwithstand- 
ing,   lie  was    continually   nipping 
al    a   lla>k.  containini;.  a>    I 
laiiinl.  neat   I,  randy      which  is,  he 

lln-    OH/;/  tliiii'i  llnil    li>- 
lnl;<-    irilh    xii/i-ti/.      Now    it 
to  me  that  if  he  a  man  very  similar 
to    myself    in    pliysii|iie)   can   take 
iie.it    lu-andv  with   impunity  if  not 
)imfit,    1  should    run    no    risk    in 
taking  some  diluted  with   mineral 
the  adiiiiraMi-  Si.  I  ial 
niii-r  or   l-jiu   d'Kvian.    which    one 
i-an    gft    I"  ,v    let 

mi1  know     if  ]xissili|e  Ky  wire. 
Yours  sincerely. 

•  •i:  MM.M.MM:. 

V. 


A    FLOORER. 
III.    MADTOX    BIOWDE,    WII.WK    PICTCIEM   TIIK 

Iltv.av.l      ('..MMITrEB      HAVE      HITIIKKM      Ml.  KIM'. 

MAIt     THII     TEAt     ETOLTEO     A     PLAN     THAT     Will.     I 

REALM  "  icraa  on  THE  LINE. 


\\..rd-    1    was    al.li-    to    ^.-t    with    him 
between  the  games,  I  should  say  tli.it 
his  case  was  as  like  mine  a*  t« 
Tliis  lieing  so.  don't  you  think  I  might 
try,  nay.  one  whiskey  and  m-lt/cr 


'  :.ill  as  thini:- 

dly    as    Mr-     MVIMVIVH    will 


met  another  man,  at  tli»- 


''1\.  .  plainly  Hh»uM  wei  .lined 


. 
ti     to    wat-r    al    I  up    lier    half 


JIM 

I>I:M:  1'iui  I.IMOIIK.  I  was  paimil 
d  your  win-.  Things  are 
getting  very  Kad  with  me.  1  write 
HOW  to  tell  you  that  a  cousin  of 
my  wife's  has  just  arrived  In 
a  visit,  and  1  am  astonished  and 
dii-ply  interested  to  find  that  she 
suffers  with  her  liver  almost  identi- 
cally as  I  do  with  mim1.  (What  a 
little  world  it  is!'  Hut  the  curious 
thing  is  that  so  far  from  lieing 
denied  any  stimulant  Ky  her  doctor 
she  has  tn-limUy  IH-I-II  n<li-ixi;l  /»/  him 
to  take  a  dry  Sauterne  calle'l 
Ixninieiix  with  every  meal. 
said,  she  is  :i  coii-in  of  my  wife's. 
which  lirings  I  rj  near  my 

own.  Surely  1  might  venture  to  try 
a  similar  treatment  '.'  Awaiting  y.  iiir 
reply,  1  am.  y  .....  -s  sincerely, 

ill  '  |i«i:   MM.I»I  M  MI. 

ft 

lltiel  Su/rrl.r.  Xire,  ,l;>n'/  .1. 
I'llll.l  iMoiiK,  I  do  not  wish  to  do 
anything  unfriendly,  as  I  am  sure  you 
will  agree,  hut  the  advisability  of  having 
a  medical  man  on  the  premises  is  urged 
u  |  -on  me  liy  Mrs  Mvii'KMMi,  nnd.  un- 
willing as  I  am  to  ].-ave  you.  I  h 


APHIL  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


305 


length  consented.  (You  know  what  it  is 
when  one's  wife  insists.)  The  physician 
in  question  is  a  most  capable  man, 
highly  spoken  of  hero,  and  since  he 
lives  here  and  understands  the  climate, 
and  as  I  am  no  better,  I  am  disposed  to 
give  him  a  trial.  I  thought  you  ought 
to  know  this,  but  feel  sure  it  will  make 
no  difference  to  our  old  and  cordial 
relations.  Yours  always  sincerely, 

HECTOR  MALDEMAR. 


Mr. 


A  THEATRICAL  FORECAST. 

(From  our  Correspondent.) 
St.  Petersburg,  April  2,  1908. 
(III>KI,I;  AuEUHDBR  opened  his  season 
last,  night  at  the  Imperial  Theatre  before 
a  crowded  and  brilliant  audience.  Owing 
to  a  strike  of  electricians,  there  was  a 
serious  risk  that,  for  want  of  ade- 
quate illumination,  the  performance 
would  have  to  be  postponed,  but  by 
heroic  exertions  and  the  purchase  of  a  vast 
quantity  of  fairy  lamps,  Mr.  ALEXANDER 
contrived  to  cope  with  the  emergency, 
and  the  curtain  rose  only  about  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour  Lite.  The  play 
chosen  for  the  opening  performance  was 
His  House  In  Order,  and  the  presence 
of  the  Duma,  who  entirely  filled  the 
stalls  and  dress  circle,  lent  a  peculiar 
appropriateness  to  the  choice.  The 
Premier,  M.  STOLYTIX,  and  several  Grand 
Dukes  occupied  boxes,  and  a  contingent 
of  anarchists,  closely  watched  by  the 
police,  were  conspicuous  in  the  gallery. 
In  these  circumstances  it  will  readily  be 
imagined  that  the  scene  in  the  auditorium 
was  extremely  animated ;  indeed,  the 
performance  for  the  most  part  was  con- 
ducted in  dumb  show.  Frantic  enthu- 
siasm was  displayed  by  the  Georgian 
deputies,  to  whom  Mr.  ALEXANDER'S 
Christian  name  appealed  with  peculiar 
force,  while  the  Court  Party  claim  him, 
in  virtue  of  his  surname,  as  one  of  the 
pillars  and  props  of  Tsardom.  Mr. 
Aij.XANDF.il  was  called  thirteen  times 
after  the  Second  Act  and,  in  response  to 
unanimous  cries  for  a  speech,  delivered 
an  impassioned  harangue  to  the  Duma 
on  the  working  of  the  Highways  Com- 
mittee in  the  London  County  Council. 
After  the  Third  Act  Mr.  ALEXANDER  was 
introduced  to  M.  STOLYPIN  and  invested 
by  him  with  the  Order  of  the  Golden 
Plover's  Egg,  and  at  the  close  of  the 
play  the  stage  was  bombarded  with 
caviare,  vodka,  Muscovy  ducks,  anil 
other  characteristic  tributes.  Subse- 
quently Mr.  ALEXATOER  entertained  the 
entire  Duma  to  supper  at  his  hotel.  A 
masked  ball  followed,  dancing  being 
kept  up  till  nearly  9  A.M.,  when  Mr. 
ALEXANDER  and  his  company  started  for 
Moscow. 

The  attitude  of  the  critics,  as  reflected 
by  this  morning's  papers,  is  somewhat 
mixed.  The  Imperial  Tailor  and  Cutter 


.  "  AND  HOW  is  YOUR  HUSBAND  NOW,  MRS.  STODGE  ?  " 

Mrs.   S.   "  'E   STILL    BE    A    BIT    QUEER    IN   'is   "BAD,   MlSS,       SlNCE   'E    TOOK    ON    80    WITH   THEM 
FOLK  AT  THE   EBENEZER,   'fi   DO   GET   THEM   HALLELUCINATION8   SO    BAD  !  " 


speaks  with  enthusiasm  of  the  sartorial 
perfection  of  Mr.  ALEXANDER'S  impersona- 
tion, which  it  describes  as  not  only  clear 
but  well  cut.  The  Pelmelikoff  Gazetsky 
dwells  complacently  on  the  indebtedness 
of  the  British  stage  to  Russian  actors, 
noting  the  enormous  popularity  of  such 
performers  as  TCHIRGUIN,  LITTLE  TICHSKY 
(a  favourite  pupil  of  LESCHETITSKY),  IVAN 
LE  HAY,  and  the  Grand  Duke  CYRIL  MAUDE. 
The  Sloco  and  The  Retch  express  a  doubt 
whether  the  entente  cordiale  between 
Great  Britain  and  Russia  is  likely  to  be 
promoted  by  the  visit  of  an  actor  whose 
name  stamps  him  as  a  sympathiser  with 
the  Romanoff  dynasty. 


"  Dr.  ASTLEY,  who  was  twice  Mayor  of  Dover, 
was  passionately  fond  of  music,  and  gave  an 
or^an  which  cost  £3000  to  the  town." — Daily 
Telegraph. 

THERE  is  nothing  new  about  this.  We 
are  all  familiar  with  the  lines  : 

Mr.  BKOWN  of  his  great  bounty 

Built  this  bridge  at  the  expense  of  the  county. 


OXFORD    RE-VISITED. 

I  WANDEBED  down  "  The  Broad  "  and  up 

"  The  High," 
As  I  was  wont,   in  far-off  days,   to 

do, — 
When  lo,  debouching  from  the  "Grid." 

came  two 
Resplendent    youths    who,    sauntering 

idly  by, 

Cast  on  my  form  a  supercilious  eye 
Whose  glance  said  very  plainly, "  Who 

are  you 
That  4are  obtrude  yourself  upon  our 

view  ? 
This  place  is  ours,  for  we  have  bought 

it.     Fly!" 
I  realised  that  I  was  on  the  shelf 

In  thpt  brief  moment ;  saddened  and 

forlorn, 

I  paused  irresolute  upon  my  way  ; 
Then,  thinking  that  a  dog  soon  has 

his  day, 

Strode  on,  till  suddenly  I  found  myself 
Standing  (like  RUTH)  "  amid  the  alien 
'  Corn.1 " 


PUNCH,  OH  T1IK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ami.  24.  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(Ry  Mr.  /W/r*  81  •'-•*.) 

Our  l*i-  •}>«*  (HBKMMNS  .  <  •«  *»» 

I 
M    it*  .rni-d.      I1 

n    lady,   married 

abroad,    and    the    author    of  which 

•he    admin-        Her     prattle     of     "mi  and    "my 

shadows.".:  -!i.  nvalls  the  manner  of   Klixaltflh  <in>( 

.n   there  be  something  in  the  dash 

of  heredity  with  exotic  environment   that  OOmpeJssIl  Aiii.do 
Saxon   autluremea  with   Cernmn    u-!.  -   to    .ii   p    into    this 
n?    The  K.ronc-s  \,,\  Hi  1 1>:\  will  perhsni 
|Sirdo:  .cpself.  iii  tliis  bill. 

gives   us   the    l.-nelil   of    her    social    knowli-dgc    as    to    the 
••\l»-ri.  \nierican  women  who  marry  Kiiro|ie.m   noble 

men.  1  thank  her  for  this;  and  also  for  the  following 
appn^-iation  of  her  sex's  methods:  'She  smiled  at  him  in 
inning  way  some  women  have  of  smiling  at  a  man 
they  like— as  though  she  knew  him  much  1  tetter  than  he 
knew  himself. ' 

I  understand  from  report,  having  omitted  to  read  them, 
that  the  Baroness's  I'nm  looks  have  had  a  vogue.  1  can 
well  believe  they  deserved  it.  for  her  style  has  a  certain  facile 
charm.  And  I  hope  that  in  future  she  will  neither  rest  on 
her  laurels  nor  uae  them  as  bruxhwoixl  for  the  (toiling  of 
kettles.  Her  present  trifle  lacks  distinction,  though 
-  a  touch  of  high  quality  in  one  of  the  minor  characters. 
It  is  a  French-American  iieasant.  a  graceful  soamp,  with 
one  good  day  in  each  yi-.ir,  when  he  l.iys  a  white  stone  on 
the  grave  of  his  dea<!  child,  jealously  guarding  his  devotion 
from  the  knowledge  «f  others,  and  grudging  the  child's 
IIH  .1  her  her  right  to  a  share  in  their  common  memory. 

Mr.  N i< ilou* >x  bus  hardly  done  full  justice  to  tin-  author 
in  his  portrait  that  serves  as  frontispiece.  Nor  she  to  herself 
in  allowing  her  j«irtrait  to  lie  there  in  any  shape. 


In  The  Ru*et*  of  Office  (Join  Lmo)  Mrs.  TwEOUiJ5  has 
much  to  my  about  Socialism.  But  the  reader  is  left  in  doubt 
as  to  whether  she  is  of  the  oreod  or  opposed  to  it.  Her 
heroine.  <;,••!••••  Morland,  was  a  Socialist  and  became  the  wife 
of  one.  "  While  she  sat  darning  and  mending  or  hushing  a 
fractious  child  to  sleep,  her  thought*  took  wing  to  a  day  of 
freedom  when  the  home  life,  which  pressed  so  heavily  upon 
her.  would  U-  exchanged  for  the  glorious  emancipation  of 
lilicrty  and  virile  action."  Though  there  lie  some  doubt  as 
to  the  author 'ri  sympathy  with  these  aspirations,  there  is  none 
.il«.iii  her  dislike  of  abnormally  large  families.  The  sketch 
•f  Norland'*  father  is  so  vivid  as  to  suggest  remi 
niaceooeof  actuality.  A  man  of  good  family  and  some  means. 
he  was  aoured  by  tlw»  increase  of  his  brood,  which  was  indeed 
phenomenal.  "The  family  of  twvKe,"  Mrs.  TWEEDALE  writes. 
"ranged  from  otic  mouth  to  eighteen,  which  was  i.V.i-. 
MurliiniTi  age.."  Blcmetl  i»  he  thai  hath  his  i|uiver  full. 
But  twelve  children  in  eighteen  ni..iiths  is  a  trial  which  sug 
geats  tin- charily  of  f.irlM-.iranc«'  fora  father's  ft.: 

Oontetnplation  of  this   domeHtic  fmbarraasment    i 
divert«-l  b\  <li^»very  that  the  in-nn  |  nr|«^'  of  the  book  is  to 
(Mint    in  lurid  .-.  1 .1,  i.dity  of  one  of  the  best 

known  among  His.  Majesty's  MinuOerH.    Th>-    • 
aUrmpi<-.l  »ii!i  i  meatnre of  lici-nw"  rarely  met  with  m  Knglish 
In  order  that  then'  shall  i  i.  nun 

.•  end  of  an  ill  M -I  r  ions  father  an  •  dragged 

in.      Whilst    ili-.ding    with     |"'litical     affairs    generally,    Mrs. 

Vdf    knouli-<lgi>;    luit    her 
\i-eedinglyrloHe. 

faniilur  ge-  little  turn.H  of  -|.<^T  !i  U-ing  r.-prmlucetl. 

•lly  an  unprim -ipled    ).•  .litu  i.m  who  has 


left  the  ('.tns.-rvative  party  with  which  he  was  a-wmcialcd  by 
ttirth  and  tr.iining  and  gone  over  to  thi-  I.iU'rals  U-cause  he 
thought  ('.-It.  the  initials  are  not  withheld  would  fenl  him 
with  tin-.  r  which  he  hungered.  Kuiueil 

in  health,  suffering  from  attacks  pf  incipient  insanity.  In-  i 

in  tli.  '  <  'ominous  to  ai  .....  mice  intention  of  pr.  «  -la  lining 

his  des»Ttion   of   the   Ministry   in   order  to  join   the   Liltour 
I'arty.  who.   he    In-lieu  •>.    hold    tlie   trump  i-ird,   wlien    I 
siiiitten  down  by  paralysis  and  pa.ssc.s  out  of  public    life.      Of 
the   g"'l    t.^te   of   this   sort    of   tiling    there   cannot    Ije   two 
opinions.  _ 

In  W\i  i  fit  1  1  ^^  MOVI.'S  /.  if  It 

.In./  (Vinni.  •/.-!•  an-  met 
In  whoamly  guise.  ,i\o|-i'  your  >• 

The  \olk  o'  XOIIH  : 

Now  tlieas  here  v,,lk,  this  Mr.  R. 

'/.«  makes  'em  chat  away 
There  iihleii  one  of  all  In-  t  done 

Don't  n'ad  /o  true  as  day. 

Hi.  niiist  ha'  liHlged  wi'  they,  for  /ure, 

An'  studied  on  'cm,  t.- 
An',  se.-nis  to  me.  they  took  to  lie 

An'  learned  him  all  they  knew. 


V'  Xioi  i.iitos  IK.  the  virm 
I  la'  got  his  hook  to  /oil, 
An'  1  do  /ay  that  he  an'  they 
Should  do  oncomnion  well. 


No  one  writes   Ixidly  of    Holland,  and    many  write  well. 
There   is  something   in   the  air  that    prevents  dulne".      The 
latest   hutch    ln«ik    to  come  our  way  is  a  very  agreeable 
Tli  iff.    r././.i'.'im/K   in  /'ViYx/ini./.  by   II.    K.   ToMvi.tv   iStMfKlN, 

HALL  &  (Vi.1.  may  not  lie  so  engagingly  funny 
in  Norirtii/,  that  excellent  work,  but  is  go . « 1  reading  through- 
out, while  the  photographic  illustrations  are  first  rate.  No 
one  who  is  going  to  Friesland  ought  to  ignore  it  as  an 
aftritif;  no  one  who  has  been  ought  to  ignore  it -as  a 
dujettif.  Can  I  say  more? 

There  were  once  two  sisters, — a  Beauty  and  an 
Duckling.  The  Beauty  and  an  Austrian  Priiicr  fell  in  I..M- 
with  one  another,  but  marrii-d  oilier  people,  he  a  po-sil,|e 
I'rinc.-ss,  she  an  impossible  Knglish  Peer,  who  smell  of  the 
stables  and  whiskey.  In  due  time  the  Prince  followed  her  to 
Kngland,  looked  in  her  eyes  and  saw  that  he  was  still  loved,  and 
— didn't  runaway  with  her,  Itccauscat  the  critical  moment  his 
Princess  presented  him  with  a  son  and  heir.  Meanwhile,  the 
Ugly  Duckling,  after  tin-  manner  of  her  kind,  developed  into 
a  Beauty  ami  an  ArtiM.  and.  as  the  greatest  actress  of  her 
day.  most  properly  married  its  hands,  >mest  \,  ,.r 

as  it  might    !»•   Mr.  (lioi^.i;  Ai  i. \V\K.I:.     This   i~.  . 

not  tlie  first  time  that  has  met  these  characters  and  heard 

their  story,  but  still  Tin-  /m/.  c/V.-M  lift  Mi  m:  n  .  j,  ijuite  a 
readablr  pien-  of  liclion.  Only.  n"\l  time.  Miss  Pnui.l- 
l'..i,  .  would  It.-  \\i  ••[•  i  .  -.•!.•<  i  a  l.-s,  conventional 

theme  for  the   display    .  i    \oiir   power!       And   then,  pen 
dn.vou  too  may  booome  an  Artist,  though..1 

I    d I    wish    to    imply    that   you   are   at    pre-'iil   an    I  ";Jy 

huckling. 

The  New  History. 

Fimv  a  pupil  teacher's  essay :  "There  were  many  diffi- 
culties in  WMI^II.K'S  way.  Neither  ( ii;.  ii(.,i:  nor  W  VI.  IMU:  knew 
Engliah,  s.i  their  communicationfl  were  carried  on  in  a 
col crci.d  language  call.-d  I  >og  L-itiu." 


MAY  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


307 


IN    THE    PRESENT   STATE    OF   THE    ART   WORLD. 

THE  DIRECT  PICTURE  SUPPLY  SYSTEM  MEETS  A  FELT  WANT  ;  IT  DISPENSES  WITH  TSE  WORRY  ATTENDANT  ON  SENDING  TO  THE  ROYAL  ACADEMY 
AND  OTHKK  INHIBITIONS,  SAVES  MIDDLEMAN'S  PROFITS,  AND  BRINGS  THE  ARTIST  INTO  IMMEDIATE  CONTACT  WITH  TUB  PATRON. 


HAMLET'S    SOLILOQUY. 

(NEW  STYLE.) 

MR.  BKERDOIIM  TREE,  in  an  interview  with  a  representative 
of  Tlie  Tribune,  is  reported  to  have  said,  "  Of  course,  playing 
a  different  part  every  night,  I  am  not  absolutely  letter 
perfect.  But  an  experienced  actor  can  always  supply  wliat 
the  mfniory  fails  to  retain,  even  in  the  case  of  blank  verse." 
The  sentence  of  the  report  which  we  have  italicised  sounds 
almost  too  good  to  be  true,  but  Mr.  Punch  dares  not  doubt 
the  veracity  of  The  Tribune's  Interviewer,  and  he  can  only 
hope,  in  the  interest  of  the  gaiety  of  nations,  that  his 
accuracy  is  here  unimpeachable.  For  his  report  seems  to 
herald  a  novel  and  original  development  in  the  Shakspearean 
productions  at  His  Majesty's  in  the  future.  Mr.  TREE  has 
already  given  more  than  one  performance  of  Hamlet  without 
scenery.  The  next  step  will  clearly  be  to  dispense  with  the 
text.  Mr.  Punch  confesses  that  he  looks  forward  with  eager 
delight  to  the  first  occasion  on  which  this  method  is  put 
into  operation,  when  the  great  actor-manager,  temporarily 
at  a  loss  for  liis  words,  is  engaged  in  "supplying  what  his 
memory  has  failed  to  retain "  in  the  blank  verse  of  the 
famous  soliloquy.  The  result  presumably  will  be  more  or 
less  as  follows : — 

To  be  or  not  to  be  :  that  is  the  question  : 

'Whether  'tis  nobler  in  the  mind  to— (What? 

No.     I  do  not  want  prompting.     What  d'you  say  ? 

You  thought  I  did  .'     Well,  you  were  wrong) — to  suffer 


The  slings  and  arrows  of  outrageous  fortune, 

And  by  opposing  end  them  ....  (Tut !  tut !  tut ! 

I  can't  remember  what  comes  after  that. 

Something  about  a  yawning  churchyard,  isn't  it  ? 

And  customary  suits  of  solemn  black  ? 

No.     That  comes  later  on.)  .  .  .  To  die  :  to  sleep  ; 

No  more ;-    (I  've  got  it !     Strange  the  silly  tricks 

One's  memory  plays  one.     Happily  an  actor 

Of  real  experience,  one  who  knows  his  business, 

Can  improvise  Shakspearean  verse  for  hours 

And  not  excite  the  least  remark.     But  this 

Is  a  digression.)    To  die  ;  to  sleep  ;  no  more ; 

As  I  was  saying.     To  sleep,  perchance  to  dream. 

Ay,  there 's  the  rub.     For  in  that  sleep  of  death 

What  dreams  may  come  when  we  have  shuffled  off 

This  mortal  coil— (That 's  wrong.     "Coil "  ends  the  line, 

Or  used  to  do,  I  know,  when  I  was  young. 

How  does  it  go  ?)— When  we  have  shuffled  off.  .  .  . 

Shuffled  off — turn  ti  turn — this  mortal  coil — 

(That  gets  it  right,  and  off  we  go  again  !), 

&c.,  &c.,  &c. 
The  performance  should  be  received  with  respectful  stupor 

by  the  London  Press,  and  call  forth  a  well-deserved  telegram 

of  congratulation  from  the  German  EMPEROR. 

ONE  Liberal,  anyhow,  swears  by  the  House  of  Lords.  "  Our 
duty  is  plain,"  Earl  CARRINGTON  is  reported  to  have  said, "  and 
by  the  Lord  HARRY  we  mean  to  do  it." 


VOL.    i  XXXII. 


ra 


ITNVII. 


TIII-; 


<  II\I;IYAI;I. 


[Mil  1,  1907. 


THE    CONSOLATIONS    OF    AGE. 

(V«l  to  W  <«•/«*•./  WT/A  (>M  .\yr  l\n*io*t.) 

Yes.  mv  ScmMrc*,  yuu  are  growing  old. 
Vainly  you  draw  those  lateral  wisps  of  hair 
ACTOM  your  cranium.  desolately  bare. 
In  hope  to  hide  the  summit'*  polished  mould ; 

Try  M  you  may— and  do, 
Implacably  the  thing  shows  through. 

Your  step  i»  heavier ;  in  the  mazy  dance 

nan  you  whirl  the  once  fantastic  toe ; 
Sodden  exertion  tends  to  make  you  blow, 
And  fewer  things  in  life  are  left  to  chance, 

Because  your  nerve  resent* 
The  shock  of  unforeseen  events. 

Your  games  are  those  that  you  would  then  have  mocked 
When  Youth  demanded  tests  of  pluck  and  speed  ; 

i  favour  golf  and  croquet,  where  you  need 
Hun  little  risk  of  being  badly  crocked  ; 

(Also  a  little  chess 
Causes  your  body  no  distress). 

S I -ring,  which  is  apt  to  urge  the  pulse's  pace, 
Merely  evokes  regret  for  springs  gone  by ; 
No  longer  now  your  vague  and  virile  eye 
Laughs  back  at  Beauty's  challenge  to  the  chase ; 

Women  indeed,  as  such, 
I  lave  ceased  to  move  you  overmuch. 

ThejM  are  the  penalties  that  Age  involves. 
Yet  are  there  compensations— of  a  kind — 
lu  years  that  bring  the  philosophic  mind, 
That  teach  perspective,  give  the  sense  that  solves 

What  is  of  worth,  and  what, 
Upon  the  other  hand,  is  not. 

Those  passions  cooled  that  made  your  judgment  swerve, 

You  '11  read  the  merits  clear  of  man  and  man, 
.    And  know  a  patriot  from  a  partisan, 
M  turns  and  PLCSKCTTS  from  the  race  they  serve— 

The  graceless  sort  that  mix 
Their  gratitude  with  mud  and  bricks. 

And  you  will  die,  I  hope,  before  the  day 
When  none  is  left  to  take  his  country's  part 
Because  she 's  broken  every  loyal  heart 
And  killed  her  own  by  adipose  decay. 
May  timely  death,  my  friend, 
Spare  you  the  sight  of  such  an  end  ! 

Meanwhile  her  liver  looks  like  dying  hard. 
Her  children's  Premiers,  chastened  in  their  pride, 
Admit  the  Mother's  claim  to  be  their  guide, 
And  bold  her  gastric  gifts  in  high  regard, 

Saying,  "We've  seen  her  art, 
And  own  that  she  is  bad  to  beat." 


Eating  and  sleeping,  stuffed  and 
And  so.  for  solace,  when  decrepit  Age 

l;-  '-  :•    -i  Mi   '•:•<  I  |    ur  Mttb  ••!•.]  ktd  i  M  1 
You  11  know  she's  done  the  like  and  found  repose; 

And  you  may  share  the  balm 
Of  her  supine,  impervious  calm.  n   | 


i   famous   French   etcher,    reproductions   of  whose 
have  been  appearing  weak  by  week  in  the  III,. 
A  rtrt  .* 

"Ilrixac!  Hrutr"  Hsu  • 
It  '•  •  different  girl  again  '  " 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 


A    <  loop    ll 

200,  I  '.irk  1.<inr. 
DEAREST  1'U'IIM  .      I  demand  your  Congrats.      I  '\e  had  the 
Pren  :mner.      F:ict,    my    ilrar.      I,   who\c    nnly  just 

made  my  d<-l'nl  as  a  hostess,  secured  them.  when  do/ens  of 
.M  stairs  couldn't.  HMI>  ;iinl  that  linlc  Mr>. 
SIIARTE  Ixith  tried  ;uid  faili-d,  anil  they  hale  me  no\v,  no 
doubt,  \vitli  twenty-woman  |«iwcr.  F.verything  went  with 
a  roar.  JACQUES  surpassed  ]iim-.-lf.  and  .  \.,<-ih  tlie  right 
note  was  struck  in  the  »m-mi  with  Itaroi.  Imperial 

Supreme  di-  Volaille  a  la  Conference     and  <  lelee  Preferential 
Tariff.      <M..v    Fin.N    did   her    bot    for   me    with    what   she 
ealled    a    ;Wi/i,-<i/   dinner-gown     ii"l    so   frivy    as  my   d 
usually  are  .  and  I  wore  my  big  diamond  tiara  and  riviere. 

Tln>    Premiers   are   all  darlings,    but    if   I've    a    favourite 
I  suppose   it's   that   sweet    Horns,  who    was   fighting    01 
desperately  a   few  years  ago.     1  'd  some  Lively  dial-  with  all 
of   them,  and   developed    my    ideas    for  draui  :    the 

Mother  Country    and   t;  Nations.       1    Hatter    m\.-elf 

they  were  a  good  deal  impressed,  and  rather  a.-toni-hed. 

I  couldn't  liel|>  fivling,  my  deare-t  and  U-.-t.  that  1  eoulil 
fill  a  larger  ]>ii-ture  than  life  offers  nowadays.  1  ought  to 
have  lived  in  the  days  when  a  woman  like  me  would  have 
had  a  NH/OH,  where  all  the  famous  men  met  regularly,  and 
State  secrets  would  have  Ixvn  confided  to  me,  ami  revolution* 
and  all  sorts  of  delicious  things  planned,  and  where  all  tin- 
Wits  would  ha\e  eomc  and  told  me  of  the  plays  and 
pOOna  they  were  writing.  The  Wits  of  fo-./i/i/  won't  hand 
>iit  any  of  their  wit.  even  in  return  for  the  l»-st  dinner  or 
-upper  you  can  give  them.  They  save  it  all  for  the  publisher. 
I  had  a  cheery  little  affair  last  night,  to  m.-ct  the  Fijian 
(iiantesa.  The  only  little  hitch  was  that  everyone  wanted  i  , 
--it  near  her  at  supper,  and  ne<-  how  much  she  ate,  so  there 
was  a  bit  of  a  scrimmage.  I  give  two  afternoon  parties  n,.\t 
week.  For  one  I've  engaged  the  Human  Footballs,  \\  I 
lately  been  giving  their  show  at  tl»  and  for  the 

ither  I've  got  RooTl-Toori-Lu.,  the  Indian  Seer,  who'.- 
ittained  Nirvana,  and  can  tell  people  all  the  incarnations 
ihey've  passed  through,  and  will  \et  pass  through,  I.. 
Karma  leaves  off  building  them  any  more  new  hous.-s.  1 
:hink  that  sort  of  thing  simply  delicious,  don't  you?  When 
['ve  time,  I  mean  to  go  in  for  it  seriously.  Iloori-Tooii  -I..U. 
saj-s  he's  ntre  I'm  possessed  of  powers  that,  if  trained, 
could  "penetrate  the  hidden  tilings  of  darkness."  Isn't  that 
lovely  ? 

I'm  giving  a  boy-and-girl  dance  on  Friday  for  .To\\  and 
iuwGABDE.     By  the  way,  the  Powers  that  "be   are  simply 
nost  horribly  unreasonable  as  to  what  t!  •  •  of  me  in 

this  respect.  Of  course  I  love  my  sisters  it  's  awfully  bad 
orm  to  dislike  your  people  and  1  shall  do  my  U-st  for  them. 
But  nothing  comes  more  in  the  way  of  a  young  marm-d 
woman's  success  than  having  girls  to  dispose  of. 

You'll  see  from  what  I'\,-  told  y.m  that   I'm  making  a 

good  iH-ginning.     All  the,  same,  my  lUniM:.  1    feel  thai,  to 

get  right  there,  I  must  have  a  Cause.     Yes,  old  girl,  it  's 

ibtoluttly.     All  the  most  successful  women,  if   you   notire, 

lave  platform*  of  one  kind  or  another,  apart  from  their  -i«-i.d 

totiei 

STELLA  CLACKMAKVAX  has  taken  up  Laundry  Qirk,  their 
work,  their  hours,  what  sort  of  tea  they  drink,  and  what 
•Ort  Of  books  they  read.  She  keeps  /'/  •  taries  to 

end    to   her    Lnndry-Qirl    corre*|  ......  lenee,    and    • 

summer  she  has  a  starching  and    ironing  show  at  Clack 
nannan  House,  and   the  gardens  and  draw  full 

•f  voting  laundresses  having  tea,  each  with  a  brand-new 
•  .lump  of  the  Duchess's  poems;  poor  things  !  (I  mean  the 
sundry-girls,  She  also  contributes  articles  on  "The 
J-mindry-l.'irl,  what  is  her  future?"  to  the  Jjongwinded 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAY  1,  1907. 


HUNTED  DOWN. 

SLEUTH-HOUND  OF  THE  TREASURY.  "  FURTHER  CONCEALMENT  IS  USELESS !    I  KNOW  ALL ! " 


.M\v  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


311 


German  Lady  (lining  in  Bayswater).  "  You  CANNOT  BE  GERMAN  TO  PI.AY  OUT  OF  TONE  LIKE  THAT!  " 
Bandsman.  "You  CANNOT  BE  ENOI.ISII  IF  YOU  NOTICE  IT!" 


,  though  I  hear  by  a  side-wind  that  the  grammar  and 
punctuation  want  a  lot  of  straightening  out  before  they 
appear. 

The  Duchess  of  DUNSTABI.E  was  the  patron  saint  of  General 
Sen-ants,  when  there  ivere  such  things,  and  founded  the 
Society  for  giving  Workboxes  to  those  that  kept  their  places 
for  a  month  or  a  year  or  something.  But  General  Sen-ants 
have  become  extinct,  I  'in  told,  and  the  Workbox  Society  has 
dissolved. 

Then,  Lady  CLABGES  is  President  of  the  Guild  for  the 
Protection  of  Pavement  Dancers,  and  works  quite  hard  in 
their  cause.  Those  matinees  she  gave  at  the  Magnificent, 
when  she  appeared  as  Hamlet  and  as  Romeo,  interpolating 
some  clever  specimens  of  pavement-dancing  herself,  were  in 
aid  of  the  Guild. 

/•><  Tt/one  knows  what  a  lot  of  Causes  POPSY,  Lady  RAMSGATE, 
has  taken  up.  The  Living  Statuary  Show  she  was  getting 
up  lately  (till  it  was  put  a  stop  to  by  someone  in  authority) 
\vas  for  the  Desen-ing  Poor,  and  she's  so  disappointed  about 
it  that  she 's  had  to  do  a  rest-cure. 

Well,  my  clear,  I  determined  to  go  one  better  than  STELLA 
CLACKMANNAN  with  her  Laundry  Girls,  old  DUNSTABLE  and  her 
Workboxes,  and  BERYL  CLARGES  and  her  Pavement  Dancers. 
At  first  I  turned  my  thoughts  to  the  Suffragette  Cause,  but 
only  for  a  moment.  It 's  poky,  and  middle-class,  and 
sumphish  to  a  degree.  Besides,  they  haven't  an  earthly. 
Also,  it 's  my  private  opinion  that  the  woman  who  wants  a 
vote  lias  given  up  all  hopes  of  getting  anything  letter  out  of 
life.  It 's  a  sort  of  20th-century  taking  the  veil.  I  Ve  finally 
derided  to  take  up  the  Cause  of  The  People,  of  the  Many 
against  the  Few.  Socialism,  you'll  say  with  horror.  Why, 
my  child,  of  course  it  is.  There  are  thrills  in  it,  I'm  sure. 


And  the  fact  that  we  BEAUDESERTS  have  always  been  the 
highest  of  high  Tories  will  make  it  all  the  more  of  a  sensation. 
I  think  it  a  grand  idea.  It  came  to  me  through  my  meeting 
the  famous  Hungarian  Socialist,  OUTA  TELBOWS,  at  a  guest 
night  of  the  All  Sorts  and  Conditions  Club.  He  has  the 
right  to  call  himself  Count  OUTA  TELBOWS,  but  Socialists  don't 
use  titles.  (NoRTY  says  they  don't  use  soap  either,  but  that's 
only  his  chaff.) 

He  spoke  to  me  of  the  Cause  with  impassioned  eloquence. 
He  has  romantic  hair  and  burning  eyes.  I  feel  there 
must  be  a  great  deal  in  Socialism.  And  so,  friend  of  my 
careless,  thoughtless  youth,  if  you  hear  of  your  BLANCHE 
addressing  the  Down-trodden  Many,  and  helping  to  lead 
them  to  the  Promised  Land,  don't  go  into  fits,  but  believe 
that  she  is  still  Ever  thine,  BLANCHE. 

P.S. — JOSIAH  disapproves  of  course.  He's  positively  feudal 
in  his  notions.  It's  the  way  with  people  who  haven't  the 
least  right  to  be. 

POLITICAL  memories  are  proverbially  short-lived,  and  most 
people  now  are  inclined  to  forget  all  that  the  late 
Government  did  for  them  when  it  was  in  power.  Happily 
the  leader  writer  of  the  Scotsman  is  not  one  of  tnese. 
"  Before  the  war,"  he  points  out,  "  the  income  tax 
stood  at  eightpence.  The  late  Government  reduced  it  to 
a  shilling."  

AT  last  people  are  realising  what  the  Colonial  Premiers 
must  be  suffering.  Writing  of  the  presentation  to  them  of  the 
freedom  of  the  City  the  Manchester  Evening  News  goes  on  : — 

"  This  interesting  function  will  be  followed  by  luncheon,  and  the 
difficulty  is  as  to  what  course  subsequent  events  should  take." 


312 


PUNCH,  OR  TlIK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Mir  1,  1907. 


LIFE'S  LITTLE  DIFFICULTIES. 
THE  SHADE  or  Bun. 

tin.  Vineent  OUy  to  Mrt.  Leonard 

Sprake. 
(With  encloture.) 

MY  DEAR  VERA,-  Do  be  an  angel  and  go 
off  at  onceto  Eix'sor  XAVAL'S  anJsee  if  you 
can  match  the  enclosed  shade  in  velvet 
I  want  the  dreas  for  Friday  week,  and 
then  isn't  a  minute  to  lose.  It  is  for 
Mrs.  Aamxr  CARBOWL'S  At  Home,  and 
you  know  my  reasons  for  wishing  to 
look  well  there.  I  want  two  yards— and 
blow  the  expense,  as  VIXXT  says.  Don't 
say  you  are  busy  or  anything,  or  I  shall 
hare  to  ask  OLIVE  SHACKLE  ;  and  Heaven 
knows  I  don't  want  to  be  behol: 
her  any  more.  Your  frantic  M. 

Mrt.  Leonard  Sprake  to  Mr».  Vincent 

OUy. 

DEAREST  MILDRED,  -I  have  been  every- 
where and  it  can't  be  done.  I  went  first 
to  ELL'S,  then  to  NATAL'S,  then  to  SILK- 
AXD'S  and  WOKXBTB  NICOLL'S,  and  then 
back  to  Bond  Street  to  BEDTORT  AND 
HANDBCBY'H.  But  all  in  vain.  I  saw 
nothing  that  would  match.  Tell  me 
what  to  do  next.  Why  mutt  you  have 
velvet?  I  am  glad  you  asked  me  and 
not  the  SHACKLE  girl.  After  your  lost 
experience  of  her  "  limpetude,"  as  LEN 
calls  it,  you  should  be  very  shy.  How 
long  was  it  she  stayed  ?  Two  months  ? 
Some  people  are  beyond  anything. 

Yours,        VERA. 

Mn.  Vincent  OUy  to  Mrt.  Leonard 

Sprake. 

Mr  DEAR  Vnu,— I  must  have  velvet. 
There  is  no  way  out  of  it ;  nothing  else 
will  do.  Try  LICDRX'S,  or  one  of  those 
Kensington  places,  IRVING  AMD  QUEEN'S  or 
Bra's.  Only  von  must  go  at  once.  I 
would  not  trouble  yon  only  I  cannot  trust 
anyone  else's  eye.  Yours  never  makes  a 
mistake.  When  we  meet  remind  me  to 
tell  yon  about  Mrs.  QLnrconmo  and  the 
Scripture  Reader.  It  is  too  delicious; 
but  much  too  long  to  write. 

Yours  in  despair,  II. 

tin.  Leonard  Sprake  to  Mrt.  Vincent 
OUy. 

DEAREST  MILDRED,—  I  have  been  to  all 
and  not  one  has  it  The  nearest  thing 
was  at  LJCOCZ'S,  but  they  had  only  a 
pattern.  The  material  itself  is  out  of 
stock  and  cannot  be  replaced.  I  even 
tried  the  wilds  of  Oxford  Street,  but  all 
in  vain  too.  Yon  really  roust  give  up 
the  idea  of  matching,  or  try  silk.  The 
great  joke  here  is  that  at  Lady  BASSETT'B 
last  week  Canon  COM  found  a  glass  eye 
in  the  spinach.  It  turns  out  to  have 
been  the  new  cook's. 

Yours,  Vi 


.Vr».  Itonard  Sprake  to  Mrt.  Vincent  OUy. 

',-gram.) 
DAW'S  no  good.    Do  have  silk. 

Vr«.  Vincent  OUy  to  Mrt.  Leonard  Stroke. 

(Telegram.) 
Silk  useless.    Try  ORANGE'S. 

Mrt.  Leonard  Stroke  to  Mrs.  Vincent 

OUy  (unth  enclosure). 
Mr  DEAR  MILDRED,  I  tried  ORANGE'S 
without  avail.  I  should  have  gone  tin-re 
sooner,  but  knew  it  would  be  useless. 
I  now  return  the  pattern  with  many 
regrets.  I  would  have  still  made  one 
or  two  other  efforts,  but  I  must  go  down 
to  Chislehuret  to-morrow  to  see  mother. 
and  after  that  it  will  be  too  late. 
think  you  would  have  been  wiser  to  try 
some  other  material  leas  difficult  to 
match  than  velvet 

Yours  with  regret,  VERA. 

Mrt.  Vincent  OUy  to  Mrt.  Leonard 
Sprake. 

DEAR  VERA,—  I  think  you  are  MTV 
selfish  and  inconsiderate.  Your  visit  to 
your  mother  cannot  be  so  fearfully  im- 
portant, and  I  seem  to  remember  other 
occasions  when  she  had  to  stand  »\,  r 
for  lots  of  more  attractive  engagements. 
Still,  you  must,  of  course,  do  what  you 
want  to  do.  I  am  sending  the  pattern 
to  OLIVE  SHACKLE,  who,  in  spite  of  her 
faults,  is,  at  any  rate,  zealous  and  true. 

Yours  disappointedly  and  utterly  t  i  red 
out,  M. 

M'ua  Olive  Shackle  to  Mn.  Vincent  OUy. 

MY  SWEET  MILDRED,—  I  am  sending  you 
the  velvet  by  special  messenger  ;  which 
is  a  luxury  to  which  I  am  sure  you  will 
not  mind  my  treating  myself.  I  got  it 
at  once  at  ELL'S,  from  my  own  special 
counter-man  there.  He  had  put  it  on 
one  side  for  another  old  customer,  but 
made  an  exception  for  me.  1  low  I  should 
love  to  see  you  in  your  beautiful  dress 
throwing  everyone  else  at  Mrs.  ASHLEY 
CARBONEL'S  into  the  shade  !  I  was  to  have 
been  with  the  MUTTERS  at  Church  Stretton 
for  the  week-end,  but  poor  dear  Mrs. 
ROTTER  has  just  written  to  say  that  her 
sister  is  dangerously  ill  at  Wood  hull  Spa 
with  something  that  may  very  likely 
develop  into  peritonitis,  and  she  has 
had  to  put  off  all  her  guests. 
Yours  ever,  OLIVE 


Mrt.  Vinrrnl  OUy  to  Mrt.  Jjtonard  Sprake. 

(TeUyram.) 
Try  DAW'S. 


Mitt  Olirc  Shackle  to  Mrt.  Vincent  OUy. 

(Telegram.) 
Will  come  with  pleasure. 


A»  advertisement  iu  7'/i^  Da  i/i/CViron  »<•/«• 
runs  as  follows: 

••I'n  heroine  AnglaiM  30  am  cherchl  an 
cocnpagnaa  Krmafaue  apprendre  conrerMtiun 
en  FiMfti*  et  Anglaiie. 

It  was  time. 


THE    PIP-PIP   WATTEAU    CAR 
FOR    1907. 

[As  tlif  fiilluwing  article  ap|«aro   to  U>  a 

•.pin..-. I   l.y  Oie  writer,  aftri 
to   ll.r   t«l,i  -r    >  f"  a    motor    journal,    we   mult 
decline   to  accept   any    reaponaibility   for    it* 
accuracy,  technical  or  otli.-r  ! 

THK  cars  produced  liy  tin-  linn  of 
I'll-  I'll'  W  \riK\r  A:  Co.  i.f  1'aris  have 
now  pwtahlished  for  thei:  n  this 

side  of  tin-  Channel,  a  nonunion  for 
ri'lialiility  which  goes  far  to  prove  tin- 
attention  to  detail  which  has  so  often 
l» vn  clam.ed  to  be  a  characteristic  of 
Continental  engineers,  and  a  careful 
examination  of  this  \ car's  models  indi- 
cates a  continuation  of  this  admirable 
feature. 

(Can't  you  get  any  fresher  way  of  Ifgin- 
ning  this  sort  of  article?-  Ki>.  M"'--.  N<  , 
this  style  is  de  r'njurur.  ArraoR.) 

It  may  be  of  interest  to  some  of  our 
readers  if  we  enumerate  the  different 
types  put  on  the  market  by  the  l'ij>  l'ip 
Watteau  Co.  There  are  the  Hi  IL'  h.-p. 
two-cylinder,  is  L'o  h.-p.  four-cylinder, 

40  h.-p.  six  cylinder,  .SO  h.-p.  twelve 
cylinder,  and  the  320  h.  p.  forty-eight- 
cylindcr.  the  amount  of  jxiwer  require.) 
to  drive  so  many  cylinders  being 
what  extravagant,  but  not  out  of  the 
way  in  relation  to  the  prestige  of  own- 
ing such  a  distinctive  and  unique  car. 
I»rd  Noiimri  II-TK  ha.s  ordered  I. 
the  last  named  type,  to  meet  the  contin- 
gency of  four  of  them  In-ing  under 
repair  at  the  one  time.  The  four 
cylinders  are  pseparately  cast  for  the 
18-20  h.-p.  model,  and  are  of  H.'i  mm. 
bore  (the  House  of  Commons  type)  and 
130  kilometre  stroke,  which  gives  sus- 
tained engine-power  for  touring  purposes. 
The  valvra  are  mechanically  operated, 
differing  in  this  respect  from  those 
fitted  to  the  household  bath-tub.  The 
operating  mechanism  is  well  enclosed, 
to  satisfy  the  requirements  of  the  I-'ac 
tory  Acts,  and  the  crank  hliaft  is  very- 
large,  being  known  in  the  trade  as  ilie 
"Algernon  Ashton."  There  is  an  in- 
spection door  fitted,  through  which 
the  big  ends  can  be  insp.vted,  and 

readily  distinguished,  even  b\  the  n 
fn.m  the  little  ends,  otherwise  known  as 
1 1..-  \Vi*  Frees.     The  engine  is  curried 

by  the  side-members  of  the  frame, 
as  it  has  been  found  by  experience  that 
chauffeurs  are  unwilling  to  accept  the 
responsibility  of  supporting  any  of  tin- 
weight,  while  the  idea  that  passengers 
in  the  tonnean  should  lend  a  hand  is  not 
worth  considering,'  in  the  rase  of  a 

:e  vehicle.  It  was  this  type  of 
ear  which  was  found  to  consume  l.--s 
petrel  per  ton-mile  than  any  other  in  the 
Tourist  Trophy  Hace.  The  fact  that  tin- 
car  did  not  finish  at  all  cannot  be  said 
to  detract  from  the  merit  of  this  iM-rfonn- 
Tlic  carburettor  is  of  the  single 
or  Whitby  jet  automatic  type,  and  people 


MAY  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


313 


of  limited  income  may  have  it  adjusted 
on  the  penny-in-the-slot  system.  This 
is  hardly  to  be  recommended  for  touring 
in  tho  Highlands,  where  it  is  almost 
impossible  to  obtain  change  in  coppers. 
The  vaporising  chamber  is  water- 
jacketed,  and  communicates  directly 
with  tho  inlet  cam-shaft.  Three  kinds 
of  ignition  are  provided.  These  are  the 
High-Tension  Magneto,  the  Tandstikor, 
and  the  Zendavesta,  which  can  be 
regarded  as  an  auxiliary,  and  carried  in 
the  waistcoat  pocket. 

The  cooling  system  consists  of  tho 
honeymoon  radiator,  which  is  the  most 
rapid  known  to  science.  A  centrifugal 
pump  is  gear-driven  from  the  carburettor. 
Among  the  accessories  of  this  up-to-date 
ear  is  I  lie  Rothenbosch  Odometer. 

The  lubrication  of  the  Pip-Pip- 
Wat  teau  engine  is  effected  by  a  starting- 
price  plunger  pump  driven  by  a  G.B.S. 
eccentric,  which  feeds  the  oil  to  all  the 
journal  bearings,  including  those  of  The 
Daily  Mall,  The  Starling  Gate,  Tips, 
Buttered  Huns  and  The  Keyhole  Auto- 
lycus.  The  clutch  is  of  the  hygienic 
multi-cellular  (Portland  or  Pentonville 
patent,  without  escapement)  pattern, 
with  Jaeger  facings,  and  runs  in  malt- 
and-cod-liver  oil.  Shaft  or  chain  drive 
may  be  jfitted.  For  hill  work,  chains 
have  many  adherents,  including  dust, 
mud,  and  dead  leaves.  Throughout  the 
chassis  the  bearings  are  of  the  Lombard 
or  three-ball  type,  which  gives  added 
security.  The  differential  is  parallel, 
the  springs  are  semi-elliptic,  and  the 
brakes  are  brachycatalectic,  so  that 
the  metacentre  is  always  either  above 
or  below  the  centre  of  gravity,  or 
slightly  to  one  side  of  it,  when  the  car 
is  taking  a  sharp  corner  on  two  wheels 
only.  This  is  a  vehicle  which  we  can 
recommend  even  more  thoroughly  than 
the  one  we  described  last  week,  and 
almost  as  enthusiastically  as  the  one 
we  hope  to  describe  next  Saturday. 
Without  prejudice  to  other  advertisers, 
the  Pip-pip  Watteau  is  the  car  of  the 
week,  if  not  the  car  of  the  century. 

(I  say,  isn't  that  a  bit  dangerous  ?  ED. 
Mote.  Not  a  bit.  They  don't  read  about 
each  other's  cars,  and  I  haven't  said 
which  century.  AUTHOR.) 


FORECAST  OF  AMATEUR  WORK 
AT  THE  R.A. 

THE  Royal  Academy  Exhibition  would 
be  nothing  without  its  interesting  list  of 
exhibitors  who  are  not,  in  the  strict  sense 
of  the  word,  artists.  Among  those  who, 
though  their  daily  vocations  lie  in  other 
paths,  have  followed  the  noble  example 
set  by  the  police  force  and  become  exhi- 
bitors may  be  mentioned  the  well-known 
railway  porter,  Mr.  Barrow,  L.  &  S.W.R. 
(not  R.W.S.,  as  a  contemporary  erro- 


Ijldy  (to  Butler).   "PLEASE   GIVE  THIS   NOTE  TO  MBS.  SlilTH,  AND   SAY   I'M   SOBRT  THE  ENVELOPE 
IS  SO  DIRTY ;   BDT  MY  LITTLE   BOY   DROPPED   IT   IN   THB   MOD." 

MyLiUleBoy.  "SNEAK!" 


neously  has  it).  His  signal  success  in 
this  Exhibition  is  no  novelty,  as  he  has 
done  the  semaphore,  so  to  speak,  having 
been  on  the  line  for  years. 

In  the  "gem"  room,  as  might  be 
expected,  we  find  the  notable  cracksman, 
Mr.  JEMMY  WIELDER,  whose  pre-Raffleite 
delicacy  of  touch  is  here  exhibited  in  two 
taking  little  works.  The  first,  a  nocturne, 
deals  with  a  favourite  old  theme — 
"  Orpheus  with  his  loot,"  and  it  is  worthy 
of  note  that  the  hero  loses  nothing  at 
the  hands  of  Mr.  WIELDER.  His  modest 
"Interior,  Pentonville,"  is  treated  with 
a  conviction  which  proves  the  artist  to 
be  very  much  at  home  in  his  environ- 
ment;  and  the  "mystery"  of  the  sky- 
blue  skilly-bowl  shows  an  aloofness  in 
accordance  with  the  taste  we  always  ex- 
pect from  his  palate.  The  Black-and- 


White  room  contains  examples  of  his 
anatomical  work  in  a  drawing  of  "A 
Skeleton  Key,"  and  a  careful  study  of 
"The  Arm  of  the  Law,"  which  shows 
strong  grasp  and  intimate  knowledge 
of  the  subject. 

Among  other   "unprofessional"    ex- 
hibitors is  a  famous  Music  Hall  artiste, 

!  whose  medium  lias  hitherto  been  grease. 
His  power  of  drawing  lies  largely  in  his 

I  feet — as  witness  his  "  Long-boot  dance." 

'  This  work  takes  the  felicitous  form  of  a 

;  little  trip-Tich. 


Mr.  Punch  gravely  regrets  that  in 
his  last  issue  he  failed  to  give  Sir 
ALFRED  JAOOBY  his  proper  designation. 
He  is,  of  course,  a  Knight  Commander 
of  the  Order  of  the  Cordon  Bleu. 


314 


rr.Ncii,  «»i:  TIIK  LONDON  •  11  MMV.MM. 


[MAT  1, 


CHARIVARIA. 
SIR  FknmcK  Times  evidently  <1i<i  n  t 

mgtpurml*    the     Htate    of     cur     1.  •    -    • 

toomphere  in  hi*  addran  to  il  • 
fritftfai    Abatement    Soci. :          A    aooty 

phalanger  WM  born  in  the  Zoological 

Gardens  last  week. 

A  Rochdale  gentleman  has  bequeathed 
property  of  the  value  of  £6,000  "to  be 
expended  in  the  encouragement  of  art  1st  ic 
journalists  I'  -  thought  that  thig  will 
lead  to  aevero  competition  among  the 
gentlemen  who  are  responsible  for  the 
portrait*  with  the  Turaerian  mist  cfT.vts 
which  are  now  such  an  important  ! 
,  f .  -IT  daily  papers. 

Mr.  JOUKPH  LTOJB,  the  caterer,  is  writing 
a  novel.  It  is  rumoured  that  it  will  be 
strong  meat  *  * 

By-the-by,  The  Daily  Mall  published 
the  opening  Hues  of  some  verses  written 
by  Mr.  LTUJW,  entitled,  "  A  Tragedy  of 
the  War."  To  call  the  verses  "A 
Tragedy"  was  creditable  no  less  to  Mr. 
LTO»*  modesty  than  to  his  literary 
•  ••••'•••  *  * 

Scarcely  had  the  sensation  caused  by 
the  sale  of  the  Lewm-lliu.  jewels  died 
out  when  the  astounding  statement  was 
made  by  several  newspapers  that  Mr. 
WALTKR  WIXASH  owns  a  stud  which  is 

valued  at  £100,000. 

*  * 

The  Corporation  of  the  City  of  London 
has  issued  an  official  notice  giving 
advice  on  the  feeding  of  infants.  The 

City   t ',•! | -.ration   has  always  been  an 

undoubted  authority  on  alimentation. 

*  * 

We  hear  that  the  two  dogs  who  act  as 
lions  in  The  Judgment  of  I'lumiuh  at  the 
Scala  Theatre  are  about  to  in.-i-t  on  l>eing 
elected  members  of  a  certain  Music  1 1. ill 
Artwtea'  Association  on  the  ground  that 
they  an  Lioiu  Comiques. 

The  Oulton  Guardians,  having  made 
a  profit  of  £43  from  keeping  pigs,  are 
now  anxious  lent  they  should  be  confused 

with  the  NYesit  Ham  Guardian*. 

*  • 

Geographers  are  much  interi-sied  in 
a  new  theory  of  the  evolution  of  the 
Pacific  Ocean  propounded  by  The  Daily 
AYir«.  According  to  our  enterprising 
contemporary  this  body  of  water  started 
as  land,  then  became  a  lake,  and  at  any 
moment  may  be  land  again  and  serving 
as  a  cockpit  "The  Pacific,"  to  quote 
our  contemporary's  words,  "which  for 
long  was  a  kind  of  terra  incognita,  a 
no  man's  land,  has  become  to-day 

a    Like    separating    cm1 
nation,  and  may  bi  tomorrow 

to  form  the  codrpH  of  the  \v..rM." 


V,'.-  art>  glad  to  aee  our  seaside  reaorta 

\\akn  r  two  in-- 

c\]..-ndiHire     Would     s.-cm     In     U- 

•.|iT  of  tl  •  Kastl  ••lime,  for 

l.-ss  a  MIIII  than 

(••ii     gulden     s-  for     tin- 

all  r.u-livcly  de>igni.:  .dvertising 

The  ii>iii|H<tition   is  open   In 
-  of  every  i-oiintry,  no  mailer  how 
eminent,    and    the    excitement    in    art 
circles  may  be  imng 


*  * 
* 


A  new  quarterly  magazine  called  The 
dljnt  Register  will  shortly  make  its 
appearance.  "Special  elT«irtH,"  it  is 
-tated.  "will  IK-  maile  to  -upjily  mi-sing 
link*  in  jiedigrees."  We  should  have 
thought  that  the  missing  link  was  just 
1.  ion  which  most  persons  pre- 
ferred to  keep  in  the  cupboard. 


There  would  seem  to  be  no  doubt 
that  the  old-fashioned  stock  is  coming 
into  fashion  for  neckwear  again.  The 
other  day  we  saw  a  notice  in  a  shop 
« indow : — "  A  sale  of  our  slightly  soiled 

stock  will  take  place  next  week." 
*  * 

A  book  entitled  Man  and  its  Canals, 
published  by  Messrs.  MACJI1LLAS, 
proves  almost  beyond  a  doubt  that  not 
only  is  Mare  inhabited,  but  that  it  con- 
tains engineers  far  superior  to  ours. 
This  leads  a  writer  to  hazard  a  guess 
that  the  Martians  may  have  succeeded 
in  producing  optical  appliances  of  such 
perfivtion  that  they  may  be  watching 
us  day  by  day.  In  these  circumstances 
we  appeal  to  all  the  inhabitants  of  our 
planet,  from  a  sense  of  patriotism,  to 
be  more  careful  than  ever  as  to  their 
beliaviour.  *  * 

The  wife  of  Mr.  Eu.is  W.  DAVIES,  M.T.. 
has  presented  him  with  triplets.  He  is 
doing  as  well  as  can  be  expected. 

Mr.  DAVIES,  by  the  way,  has  stated 
that  he  does  not  intend  to  apply  for  the 
King's  Bounty,  although  he  has  earned 
it.  Mr.  Asgnm,  however,  is  said  to  be 
urging  him  to  reconsider  his  decision,  as 
he  is  anxious  to  secure  the  tax  on  the 
additional  earned  income  for  his  next 
Budget.  »  « 

The  Bishop  of  LIVERPOOL  is  suffering 
from  a  sprained  wrist  owing  to  his 
having  been  tripped  up  by  a  carpet 
during  spring  cleaning,  and  laymen  are 
most  anxious  to  know  what  his  Lordship 
•aid  on  the  occasion 

V 

Mr.  Justice  JELF  complained  in   the 

eourte  of  a  trial  at  the  New  Bailey  that 

«-k  was  a  long  way  removed"  from 

the  witness-box.     Mr.  .1  K  has 

no    idea  how  comforting  this    fact    may 

a  witness  who  is  giving  evidence 

against  a  violent  prisoner. 


A    1'i.l.A    F"K    Iir.MII.ITY. 
. 

DEAR  Sill,      I    have  read  in  Tin- 

f  April  -•"'  the  following  momen- 
tous and  poignantly  opportune  warning 
to  the  glorious  Tarty  In  which  I  have  the 
honour  to   lielong.      "  The   great    il 
at     the     inoinenl."    i 
tt  propo*  of  the  dehateon   ii 

i  NKKIT.  •'  is  that  Literals 
should  imagine  themselves  to  l>e  qualified 
to  tell  Ireland  in  the  friendliest  spirit 

what  ] .nl icy  is  for  her  g(xxl."     'I 
golden  words  ought   to  IK-  inscribed    in 

I  .iU-r.d  ami  Radical  ( 'lull  tin 
out  the  length  and    breadth  of  the  land. 
but  admirable  as  they  are   they  do  not 
in  my  opinion  go  nearly  far  enough,  and 
admit   of    almost     indefinite    extension. 
This  deference  tn  others,  this  n  limit 
altruism,  which  is  o|  the  e-senee  of  pure 
and   disint.  i.i-r.ili-ni.  ought  not 

to  be  restricted  to  the  relations  of  our 
great  Tarty  to  Ireland.  Surely  an  equal 
measure  of  g.  .,b>equioi 

should  mark  our  attitude  In  the  Liboiir 
Tarty.  That  tin-re  is  r<»>m  for  improve- 
ment in  thi~  re-peei  is  only  too  painfully 
.!•..]-  Iroin  the  harsh  and  dictatorial  tone 
adopted  by  the  1'resident  of  the  l>«-al 
(Jovernmcnt  lloard,  who  in  a  ! 
speech  in  his  constituency  actually  so 
far  forgot  himself  as  to  say  that  there 
was  no  prospect  of  social  reform  unless 
die  working  classes  Icarm-d  more  self- 
restraint  in  regard  to  drinking  and 
letting. 

The  habit  of  telling  unnecessary 
home  truths  strikes  at  the  root  of  that 
social  harmony  which  it  should  be  the 
prime  object  of  the  Government  to 
promote.  I  accordingly  venture  i 
gest,  by  way  of  a  rider  to  Tin-  hn'ilij 
M*u»' admirable  warning,  that  whenever 
a  Liberal  Minister  answers  a  qu 
put  by  an  Irish  or  Labour  Mem! 
whenever  a  Liberal  Member  discusses  a 
question  relating,  however  remotely,  to 
Ireland  or  Labour,  he  should  adopt  a 
kneeling  posture,  with  the  option  of 
going  on  all-fours,  and  preface  his 
observations  with  the  oriental  formula  : 
"If  the  most  honourable  and  irre- 
sistible Memlier  will  deign  to  lisien  to 
the  despicable  remarks  of  so  abjei  i  and 
wholly  contemptible  a  Worm  as  the  un- 
fortunate individual  who  now  ad<i 
him,  A:c.."  1  am.  Sir. 

Yours  faithfully,   K\I;M-I    I.iwitAU 

Foreign  News. 

"  The    1'nivi'i-sity    of     Cuinliriilp*     li;i  • 
beaten   Oxford   by   1-  length-,  ..u  tin- 
between    I'lllni-y   ;inil    M»rll..  •lire    "f 
•I  I  inilft.     Time:   L'O  ininiiti-                       I      Tlio 
weather  wa*  •omi-wlia'    *>t..rniy  .-UK!   tlir  u.it.-r 
r'Higli.  •                       .                   .i|ili-ti'ly  di- 
all  lin|«- 1.(  i--.it. n^  tin1  n  /  iiiK-it. 

Sill  I.,  in  the  circumstances,  ( 'ambridge 
-laved   tile  e,  .ur-e  pretty  Well. 


MAT  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


315 


"  WHY  is  JONES  GROWING  A  BEARD  ?  " 

"  OH,   I   BELIEVE  HIS  WIFE   MADE   HIM   A   PRESENT  OK  SOME  TIES." 


MOLLIE. 

Is  the  corner  of  her  eye — 

And  it 's  brown  as  brown  can  be — 

There 's  a  flash  you  might  call  sly, 
But  it 's  really  too  demure 

In  its  lure, 
And  too  frank  and  too  free. 

She 's  as  plump 
And  jolly  a  lump 

Of  dancing  fun 
As  ever  scurried  about 
With  a  laugh  and  a  shout 

Under  the  sun. 

Tumbles?    What  does  a  tumble  matter? 

Down  she  goes  with  a  crash  and  clatter ; 

She  has  scraped  her  hand  ;  she  has  barked  her  shin  ; 

She  has  lost  a  lot  of  her  precious  skin ; 

But  she 's  up  in  a  moment  and  off  again, 

With  something  more  than  a  hint  of  rain 

In  the  dark  eyes  brimming  to  ease  her  pain. 

There 's  a  touch  of  the  South 

In  her  laughing  mouth, 

And  the  rich,  deep  flush  of  her  rounded  cheek, 

And  her  hair  with  its  tresses  fine  and  sleek 

That  she  flings  about,  with  her  tossing  head 

Set  off  and  bound  with  the  ribbon's  red. 

Books,  books,  books,  and  the  longer  the  better, 
She  swallows  them  steadily  letter  by  letter, 


Line  by  line  and  chapter  by  chapter : 
Never  was  reader  more  solid  or  apter 
To  win  your  praise  for  her  scholarly  merit, 
Or  to  learn  a  piece  and  to  say  it  well 
With  a  voice  that  sounds  like  a  silver  bell ; 
But  her  sums  are  woe,  for  she  doesn't  inherit 
A  taste  for  the  multiplication  table, 
And  hasn't  acquired  it,  and  doesn't  seem  able 
To  face  a  collision 
With  long  division : 

Figures  are  things  you  '11  fail  to  fix 

In  the  busy  brain  of  this  girl  of  six. 

And  when  you  stow  her  away  in  bed 
She  often  stands  on  her  impish  head, 
Or  slides  to  the  floor  till  you  send  her  back 
With  a  great  pretence  at  a  sounding  smack. 
Out  with  the  light ! 
Good-night,  good-night ! 
One  last  hug — and  she  holds  you  tight — 
Good-night,  MOLLIE,  good-night,  good-night ! 

E.  C.  L. 

"  Details  of  a  remarkable  race  between  Postle,  the  Australian  crack 
sprinter,  and  a  whippet,  arrive  by  the  Australian  mail.  The  race  was 
over  100  yards,  Fostle  being  in  receipt  of  313  yards  start.  Postle 
looked  to  be  winning  three  yards  from  home,  but  the  dog  came  with  a 
magnificent  finish  and  passed  the  line  a  foot  ahead  in  6J  sees." 

Cork  Constitution. 

THIS  just  shows  the  folly  of  betting.  The  odds  on  POSTLE 
at  the  start  must  have  been  enormous,  yet  only  those  who 
were  wise  enough  to  back  him  for  a  place  made  anything 
out  of  it. 


.    <»K    T1IK    l.MMX)N    CHAIMV.MM. 


[MAY  1,  1907. 


THE    JOYS    OF    TOURING.      No.  I.-THE    CANIVEAU. 
THEY   !«•  TIIIV.I-  ~>  MI.H  MTTU  ix  Fuscr..     SnunaiT  BHAI>S,  LEVEL  AS  A  TABLE  AND  SMOOTH  AS  A  BAPIJIO  TRAIT. 

*<>  MU.I' K  Tt.U-H  -ONLY   AN    IV'BTKIMU:    I'ln  II    ollMliK    l:\KKV    \III.AUE  TO  TEST  THE   8TBEXUTR   Or  YOCt  CAB  ! 


No   SPEED   LIMIT, 


THE  NEW  CULTURE. 

ll.inrt  urillrn  \>y  a  graltfuJ  rraier  of  "  Thr  Rapid.") 

Mojicrre  there  are  when,  like  n  Titan  weary, 
The  modern  man  would  fain  of  I>ethe  sup, 

Yet  why  should  he  downhearted  grow  or  dreary, 
Why  hesitate  to  drain  Life's  strenuous  cup. 

When  we  have  the  intrepid  I'ETER  KKARV  • 
In  clarion  accenta  bidding  us  buck  up ; 

When  MARIE,  prophetess  of  Strat.-<>n-A\  •>, 

Kehuke*  the  cynic  and  uplifts  the  craven  ? 

Prrai  himself,  with  modesty  unique, 
Proclaims  the  virtue  of  self-education. 

Xew  theologians  stimulate  the  weak. 

And  fiirni-li  uweful  wrinklex  for  salvation. 

New  humourwU  laboriously  seek 
To  compaM  our  complete  excruciation ; 

And  there  are  eulogies  of  brainy  bounders, 

And  long-haired  and  intense  piano-pounders. 

And  there  are  messages  from  mighty  pens, 
Preaching  humility  with  zeal  appalling ; 
Aa  though  a  peacock  to  a  flock  of  wrens 

Should  sternly  reprobate  the  vice  of  squalling ; 
Or  UOM,  roaring  fiercely  in  their  dens, 

ikM  the  turtle  <lovo  fur  caterwauling. 
And  there  are  titbits  from  a  classic  sn. 
joken  on  death  that  fill  a  solid  page. 

•  Author  atGrtCm  orGrtOut. 


Ami  then  tin-  clothes  professor  comes  and  slu-ws 
How  by  his  drees  man's  moral  worth  is  testc'l  ; 

Points  out  the  pitfalls  in  regard  to  hose 
Wherewith  the  path  to  nlory  is  infested, 

And  firmly  but  severely  ii-ii-un-s  those 

Who  spurn  frock-coats  silk-faced  ami  douUs-bmsted, 

Or  fail  to  recognise  that  progress  lags 

When  Ministers  neglect  to  press  their  bags. 


Then  we  have  "Lessons  for  the  N.-wh 

And  hinte  on  posture  penned  by  Ki  -i  MI:  Mn 

Who  proves  that  cultured  men  should  work  in  U-d 
(EUSTACE  and  you  and  me,  nut  lloi,,i  ,,r  <  I: 

And  tiny  tots  are  generously  fe<l 

With  "Mother  Ihibbard's"  special  food  for  smiles  ; 

And  laM.  to  turn  the  hustler  to  a  sprinter, 

"Thoughts  on  All  Siibj.vts,"  fresh  from  JOHN 

[\VlMI.Ii. 

V  <  possimists  like  Mr.  liERBERT  I'M  i  . 

M.P.,  who  ought  to  know  what  he  is  saying, 
Tears  on  the  lost  Humanities  let  fall 

And  sadly  swear  that  b-tters  are  decaying— 
Purblind  prognosticators,  one  ami  all, 

Grose  ignorance  and  pn-jiidui'  U-traying, 
For  how  can  d  or  life  be  vapid 

So  long  a*  Pi.tm  Ki  MIV  runs  Tin- 


Is  the  cast,  of  Jfiinnr  • 

"The  Voice  of  the  Judye'iiCUrk  .  .  .  Mr 
.re  a  little  intrigued  to  know  what  kind  of  wig  he  wears 
for  the  part. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON  CIIAK1VAKI.— MAY  1,  l'J07. 


THE   MORE   THE   MERRIER. 

C.-B.  (the  light-hearted  Keeper).  "  STEP  UP  !     LOTS   OF  ROOM  !  "     (Aside,  to  indigent  pachyderm)     "  DON'T 
YOU  WORRY.    MOST  OF  'EM  WILL  DROP  OFF  AS  WE  GO  ALONG  ! " 


MAY  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


319 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  MI'. 

House  of  Common*,  Momlnii,  A/>>-il  i'i*. 
—Pretty  to  watch  I'KIVT,  Aimirii  just 
now  listening  to  Sox  Ai  BHH  sagely  dis- 
coursing on  the  science  of  national 
finance  in  general  and  the  Budget  in  par- 
ticular. Benches  lamentably  empty  con- 
sidering importance  of  the  subject.  SON 
AUSTEN  disposed  to  take  himself  and  his 
mission  seriously. 
Marked  alteration 
in  his  manner.  In 
early  days,  almost 
literally  speechless 
on  finding  himself 
installed  in  post 
filled  in  succession 
by  PEEL,  DIZZY, 
GLADSTONE,  not  to 
mention  HICKS- 
BEACH  and  HAR- 
COURT,  he  won  the 
favour  of  a  generous 
audience  by  throw- 
ing himself  on  its 
mercy.  To  -  day 
waved  his  arm, 
wagged  his  fore- 
finger, thumped  the 
desk,  and  spoke 
with  marked  dis- 
respect-of  ASQUITII'S 
Parliamentary  capa- 
city and  financial 
training.  "  Total 
and  unpardonable 
ignorance  "  was,  in 
brief,  the  charge  he 
brought  against  an 
unworthy  successor 
at  the  Treasury. 

Ministerialists 
laughed  good  -  hu- 
mouredly.  Turn- 
ing sly  glances  at 
Leader  of  Opposi- 
tion they  laughed 
again  when  his 
mentor,  patron,  and 
colleague  proceeded 
to  launch  forth  in 
uncompromising 
declaration  of  con- 
fidence in  system  of  Preferential  Tariffs 
as  the  only  way  of  delivering  a  hapless 
Empire  from  financial  ruin.  Hereupon 
PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  far-away  look  took  on 
added  remoteness.  At  outset  assumed  atti- 
tude of  benevolent  veteran  attending  the 
benefit  performance  of  an  Infant  Prodigy. 
Watched  SON  AUSTEN  with  encouraging 
smile,  varied  by  occasional  raising  of  the 
eyebrows  with  expression  of  surprise  as  to 
how  he  really  could  be  so  profound  in  his 
knowledge,  so  pointed  in  argument.  But 
when  the  Tariff  Keform  trumpet  tootled 
and  the  Preference  drum  was  beaten  he 
began  to  glance  uneasily  at  the  clock. 


Situation  certainly  a  little  embarras- 
sing. SON  AUSTKV'S  views  on  the  ques- 
tion wen-  well  known  to  be.  inexorably 
filial.  They  had  been  expressed  on 
several  platforms  with  kindliest  per- 
sonal references  to  the  nominal  leader 
of  the  Unionist  Party.  Quite  a  different 
thing  to  have  the  new  Gospel  preached 


from  the  Front   Opposition   Bench 
who,    rising    in    capacity    of 


by 
ex- 
Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  to  criticise 


one 


Only  the  fixed  smile,  growing  sicklier, 
finally  died  away. 

liunlnens  done. — In  Committee  on  the 
Budget  Resolution. 

Tuesday  night. — When  SPEAKER  took 
Chair  this  afternoon  lie  found  himself 
confronted  by  difficult  and  delicate  point 
of  procedure.  According  to  Standing 
Orders,  no  Member  may  move  a  resolu- 
tion or  attempt  to  advance  a  Bill  dealing 
with  a  subject  with  respect  to  which 
notice  has  already 
been  given.  This 
is  the  rock  upon 
which  is  built  the 
system  known  as 
blocking  '  notices. 
When  a  Member 
has  reason  to  be- 
lieve that  a  gentle- 
man on  the  other 
side  intends  to  raise 
an  obnoxious  or 
embarrassing  ques- 
tion, he  hurries  up 
with  a  notice  of 
motion  dealing  with 
it,  and  '  thereby 
effectually  blocks 
the  way. 

It  happened  that 
Lord  HOBERT  CECIL 
had  fixed  upon  to- 
day for  introducing 
a  Bill  described  as 
providing  for  the 
"  Early  Notification 
of  Births."  This 
morning  there  ap- 
peared in  all  the 
papers  notification 
of  the  birth  of  trip- 
lets presented  to 
the  Member  for  the 
Southern  Division 
of  Carnarvonshire. 
Was  that  a  notice 
within;  the  meaning 
of  the  Standing 
Order?  and  did  it 


_J 


A  STUDY  IN  REAL  ENJOYMENT. 


exposi 
ods. 


and  "  real  Free  Trade  "  meth 


the  Budget,  was  for  the  moment  the 
official  representative  of  the  late  Ministry, 
presumably  of  the  present  Party.  But 
during  the  last  three  years  this  discipline, 
suffered  in  one  form  or  another,  has  not 
been  unfamiliar.  A  man  of  indomitable 
courage,  PRINCE  ARTHUR  preserved  to  the 
end  of  speech  the  expression  of  genial 
amazement  that  marked  the  rustics  in 
the  "Deserted  Village"  when  they 
counted  up  the  accomplishments  of  the 
schoolmaster. 

"  And  still  they  gazed,  and  still  the  wonder  grew 

That   one    small    head    could   carry    all   he 
•i          n 
knew.  . 


'  (lie  New  Finance, 


therefore  block  Lord 
ROBERT'S  motion  ? 

Happily  the 
SPEAKER  was  able  to 
decide  in  the  nega- 
tive, and,  amid  general  cheering,  Lord 
ROBERT  brought  in  a  useful  Bill. 

Another  coincidence  turned  upon  the 
event  which  has  filled  with  joy  and 
triplets  the  Member  for  South  Carnar- 
vonshire's three-syllabled  Welsh  home- 
stead, Bodlondeb.  Unsuspicious  of  the 
crowning  mercy  in  store,  he  put  down 
for  to-day  a  Question  addressed  to  the 
Home  Secretary.  It  was  numbered  8 
on  the  paper.  Benches  crowded  up  in 
anticipation  of  appearance  on  the  scene 
of  the  thrice-happy  father.  When 
SPEAKER  called  "Mr.  ELLIS  DAVIES,"  a 
rousing  cheer  went  up  from  both  sides. 


BO 


PUNCH,    "II    T1IK    l.nMinN    ril.MM V.MM. 


[MAT  1,  1907. 


All  eyes  were  turned  upon  the  Hew-h 
below  the  Gangway  on  V  -'•'"• 

where  hoo.  Member  initially  MI-  Hut 
ElUR  DATIBS  in  not  habitually  <>[  the 
dispcmtion  suggested  by  the 
incident  Jluded  to.  Hail  left 
his  question  in  liands  of  a  Member  of 
lea*  distinguished  record,  which  rather 
'  sport.  Hut  the  House  not  to  be 

its  fun. 
Webb  Members  naturally  in  state  of 

"  Three  more  of  us ! "  cried  WILLUH 
Joxv,  who.  far  a  Benedick,  takes  almost 
unseemly  interest  in  the  affair.  "  If  we 
go  on  at  this  rate,  we  shall  have  Dis- 
establishment in  Wales  before  the  end 
of  twelve  months." 

**    do**.— Army  Bill    read    a 
second  time,  )>y  343  votes  against  31. 

HOMM  o/  Lord*.  Thurtday.  Sim-.' 
Session  opened  almrwt  forgot  we  are 
-till  bli-vx-d  with  House  of  Lords.  It 
has  met  with  accustomed  regularity  and 
dispersed  with  something  more  than 
usual  despatch.  At  approach  to  Easter 
it  went  off  for  it*  holidays  nearly  a  week 
earlier  tlian  the  Commons,  anil,  cm  the 
principle  that  controlled  <'n\i;u<  IAMB'S 
attendance  at  the  India  Office,  it  made 
up  for  it  by  coming  back  to  work  a  full 
week  later. 

This  evening  discussing  the  appoint- 
ment of  Justices  of  the  Peace.  The 
Marquis  of  BATH  lifts  his  tall  head 
and  hangs  a  speech  on  the  peg  of 
memorial  presented  last  December  to 
Loco  CHANCELLOR,  protesting  against  the 
preponderance  of  Conservatives  on  town 
and  county  Bench.  The  signatories 
saw  in  this  phenomenon  evidence  of 
the  immovable  impartiality  with  which 


!.••  rd  II  M  -m  BY. 
through  prolong^! 
t«Tm  of  ort'uv 

•  1      in      good 

monopoly 

>f  (|ualitic-aticjos  for 

licll. 

•hing    of    the 
sort,  said  the 
quisofHuii.  When 
I/ml    HAI.MH  BY   for 
llu>  last  time  M  the 
-lately     procession 
from  the  Woolsack, 
the    Purse     1- 
going     first,    Black 

following  after, 
then' nuiy  have  been 
•m  the  iiiagixtrri.il 
IH-IH-II  some  dispa- 
rity in  numbers  as 
between  I'moiiiM* 
and  Liberal-. 
seven  to  three.  Hut 
that  is  the  mere 
sequence  of  cause 
and  effect.  If  it 
happens  that  men 
of  the  choicest 
judicial  caj  acity,  of 
highest  culture,  of 
invulnerable  pro- 


OKI  STAGE  KEAIER. 
With  congratulations  to  the  Rt.  Hon.  Winston  Churchill.  I'  '" 


bity,  are^found  in  superabundance  under  I  should  over  a  long  period   have  been 
a  particular  party   flag,    it   necessarily  |  found    among    the    supporters    of  "in- 


party   flag,    it 

follows  that  a  I>>nl  High  Chancellor 
chiefly  anxious  to  maintain  a  high 
standard  of  justice  fills  the  Bench  from 
that  section  of  citizens. 

What  the  most  noble  Marquis  fer- 
vently hoped  was  that  the  present  occu- 
pant of  the  Woolsack  would  not  be  led 
astray  by  deplorable  partisan  feeling 
among  his  own  friends  to  attempt  to 
redress  the  balance  between  the  old 
Lord  Chancellor  and  the  new.  Mid 
murmur  of  applause  from  noble  lords  on 
Opposition  Benches,  he  protested  against 
the  principle  of  making  magisterial 
office  the  reward  of  political  service. 


political  party,  to  the  practical  exclusion 
of  members  of  the  other,  was,  he  blandly 
explained,  "a  freak  of  nature."  _ 

Hi  tu,  BOB  REID! 

Businexii  done. — The  Commons  discuss 
Navy  Estimates. 


T1IK  PREMIERS  AT  l't)RTSM<  HTM. 

(Vr.  Putifh'i  Special  Serrife.) 

A  BRIEF  sketch  of  the  great  naval 
sham  fight  organised  for  the  delectation 
of  the  Colonial  Premiers,  and  to  Ix-  held 
at  Portsmouth  on  the  .'ird  inst.,  has  al- 
ready appeared  in  the  Press,  but  infor- 


mation  which   has   reached    us  from  a 


,  Una  m  LAM  or  C.-B.'t  Door*. 

Mr     Un»  f'-i    grU    rather    more    Uuu   be 
•MkMd  lor  oat  of  •  question  to  the  Prime 


LORD  CHANCELLOR'S    speech   in    reply 
supplied     striking    testimony    to    the 
influence  of  circumstances  and  associa-  trustworthy  source  enables  us  to  supple 
tion.      In    the  stately    figure    in    full-' ment  the  k-ild  and  unconvincing  detail* 
bottomed   wig    and    silken    gown   who  already  published. 
stepped  aside  from  the   Woolsack  andj     The  grand  feature,  we  are  in  a  posi- 
addresaed     the     House     in     measured   timi  to  state,  of  the  mann-uvres  will  be 
speech  of  flawless  moderation,  few  not' an  attack    on    Whale    l-laml.      It   will 
acquainted     with     the     transformation    readily  U-  admitted  that  this  will  be  »i»- 
effected     fourteen    months    ago    vuiild   of  the  most  thorough  things  on  record 
recognise  our  dear   "Boa"  REID  who,  |  when  it  is  stati-d  that  tin-  island  will  U- 
when  in  the  Commons,  trampled   ruth    defended    by    Mr.    K.    T.     Hi  i.i.r.s 
lessly  upon  any,  not  excepting  his  es-  Prince    of    Whales,   as    l>r.    Ifop.i 
teemed  colleagues  on  the  Front  Bench,  KIOOLI.  once  facetiously  termed  him   in 
who 'sinned    against   the   truth.     Con    command    of    a    nucleus    squadron   of 
Htrnined    to    admit    overwhelming   dis    trained  cachalots.      The   attacking   foe, 
'•f    iiuiiilH-rs    Iwtwoen    I'nionist    which  is  to  have  a  flotilla  of  gunboats, 
and     I.ilM-ral    J.I'.'s,    he    protestiil    his   will  include  a  contingent  of  Naval  volun- 
U-lief   that    it   was   not  establi.-ln  d    by   ti-<-rs  from  the  Isle  of  Man,  armed  with 
deliberate  design.     That  the  most  unit- 1  harpoons  and  led   by  Mr.  HAH.  CAIVK. 
able    candidates  far    magisterial  office  i  They  will  blow  up  booms  and  rout  Mr. 


MAY  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


321 


THE    HUNT    STEEPLECHASE    SEASON. 

"  Then  felt  I  like  some  watcher  of  the  skies 

When  a  new  planet  swims  into  his  ken." 
C.V;i//,'num  Jockey  (after  a  "  croicner  ").  "  TRAINER  SAID  GROUND  WAS  TOO  SOFT  FOR  nis  nonsE.     EVIDENTLY  HADN'T  TRIED  IT  WITH  HIS  HEAD  !  " 


BULLEN'S  mammoth  mammals  with  great 
slaughter. 

A  rough  idea  of  the  succession  of 
spectacles  to  be  provided  for  the  Colonial 
guests  may  be  gleaned  from  the  following 
time-table : — 

11.30  A.M.  Arrival  of  the  visitors 
from  Victoria  in  special  train  at  the 
South  Railway  Jetty.  Nucleus  refresh- 
ments will  be  served  on  the  Jetty,  and 
the  visitors  will  be  at  once  conducted 
over  H.M.S.  Dreadnought. 

Noon.  The  visitors  will  be  entertained 
to  a  nucleus  luncheon  on  the  upper  deck 
of  the  Dreadnouyltt  and  witness  the 
evolutions  of  Mr.  HALL  CAIKE  and  his 
Manx  volunteers  on  the  boom. 


12.15  P.M.  Visitors  will  proceed  in 
carriages  to  the  gunnery  establishment 
on  Whale  Island  and  will  be  introduced 
to  Mr.  F.  T.  BULLEN.  After  seeing  ships 
of  various  types  in  the  dry  dock  they 
will  partake  of  liquid  refreshment. 

1.0.  Luncheon  will  be  served  in  the 
drill-hall  at  Whale  Island.  The  luncheon 
will  be  speechless,  but  Mr.  HALL  CAINE 
will  recite  extracts  from  his  forthcoming 
novel,  and  sing  a  duet  with  the  Hon. 
THOMAS  BENT,  the  famous  vocal  Premier 
of  Victoria. 

2.30.  Visitors  will  proceed  to  the 
grand  stand  on  the  north  side  of  the 
island.  Mr.  HALL  CAIKE,  assisted  by 
Mr.  HEINEMANN,  will  blow  up  his  boom. 


3.15.  Nucleus  tea  will  be  served  to 
the  visitors  in  the  grand  stand. 

3.45.  The  visitors  will  leave  Whale 
Island  in  dockyard  tugs  on  a  short 
nucleus  cruise,  and  will  witness  a  game 
of  water  polo,  in  which  Mr.  BULLEN  and 
Mr.  EDMUND  ROBERTSON  will  captain  the 
opposing  sides.  Sir  JOHN  FISHER  will 
then  blow  up  the  Fleet.  The  Fleet 
will  then  be  reconciled  to  Sir  JOHN 
FISHER  by  the  intervention  of  General 
BOTHA. 

5.30.  Dinner  will  be  served  in  the 
train,  which  will  arrive  at  Victoria  at 
7.30  P.M.,  and  be  met  by  ambulances, 
bath-chairs,  stretchers  and  a  nucleus 
detachment  of  the  R.A.M.C. 


I  B 


PUNCH,    "K    TIIK    l.nMHiN    CIIAIMV.MM. 


[MAY  1. 


A  WATCHED  KETTLE  NEVER  BOILS. 

ALQXE,  I  GUI  get  through  an  At  Home 
with  a  certain  amount  of  credit.  No 
doubt  I  nuke  mistakes ;  no  doubt  people 


look  at  me  and  Bay. "  Who  it  that  penon 

(tilting  all  by  himsrlf  in  the  corner,  aii«l 

ug  on   eating   muffins?        but   at    the  coffee,  coughed,  and  observed   tli;it 
any  rate  I  can  make   the   fun.-ti.m  a  there  was   r.ith.T  :i  cn-wd. 


n.itunilly  to  a  conversation  on  drinks 
and  modern  jounialiMii.  We  abooU 
have  become  friends.  I  should  have 
had  an  invitation  from  her  mother  to 
lunch:  and  I  should  have  smoked  two 
(.f  her  fatlii-r's  I 

As  it  was,  I  said.  "  »  Vrtainly."  fetched 


tolerable  one.  When,  however,  I  flutter 
in  under  the  wing  of  my  Mtv-ia-law, 
with  my  hair  nicely  brushed  and  my  tie 
pull-d  straight  (she  having  held  aivview 


"Yes,"   and   toned   away 


Sin'     said 

to  somelxxly 


else.      Two  good  cigars  thrown  away 
becaus  iiur.! 

I  was  slowly  recovering  fn>m  my  loss 


on  the  doorstep),  then  it  is  another  matter  when  BEATRICE  henelf  OHM  up  to  say  that 

altogether.      It    is  then   that    I  feel   how  she  wanted   to  introduce  me  to  a  ver\ 

it  is  to  say  the  right   tiling,  nice  girl  called  .1  XM  something.  _  In  the 

they  are  ordinary  way  very  nice  girK  aren't  called 


necessary  it  is  to  say 
BEATHCE  has  pretty  ears,  but 
long-distance  ones.     We  drifted 


apnrt 


immediately,  but  I  was  sure  she  was 
listening. 

I  found  myself  introduced  to  a  tall, 
athletic-looking  girl. 

"  There  's  a  great crowil,  isn  't  th> 
I  said.      "Can   I  find  you 
some  tea,  or  anything  ?  " 

•  oh,  please,"  she  said 
with  a  smile. 

I  noted  the  smile,  and 
thanked  Heaven  that  I  had 
rend  Tlif  (furen  tliat  morn- 
ing. In  the  ordinary  way  1 
say  to  strangers,  "  Will  yon 
taken  di-h  of  tea  with  me?" 
but  just  in  time  Thf  (}uem 
had  warned  me  that  this 
was  wrong.  Ifh  to  m>>.  If. 
I  hit  UIKHI  the  word  "find." 

•i  1  find  you  some  t> 
It  gives  the  idea  of  pursuit. 
And     the    "or    anything" 
rounds  it  off  well- -as  much 
a*    to  say.     "If    I    ihould 


JANE  anything,  so  here  evidently  was 
something  exceptional.  I  buttoned  my 
coat  iMildly.  and  followed  her,  unbutton- 
ing it  nervously  on  the  way. 

:'-rc  he  is,"  she  said,  and  left  US. 
Tills  is  what  they  call  introducing. 


my    sister-iii  law     yes,    thank    you,    we 
have    a    train    to    catch    j-h,    mn- 
really  go?     er,  good  l>\e." 

1  aw. iy  mpursuitof  HKAIIIH  i 
She  dragged  in.-  lip  1"  an  American  girl, 
as  1  judged  her. 

"Here  he   is,"  she  said,  and   passed 
OB, 

"So  glad  to  make  your  acquaintance," 

-aid  the  American. 

There   i.<  no  answer  to  that.  I   know. 

•red  it  altogether,  and  said  : 
Have  •  the  I'udget  ''.  " 

..    What '•  that?" 

(  ill.  you  mn*t  s.-e  that." 
•I  will.     We'll  go  tomorrow.    W  hen- 
is   tV" 

1  don't  think  Americans  see  as  much 
of  Shepherd's  Hush  as  they  ought  to.  1 
i:ave  the  u-.ua!  guide  |x«ik  directions  for 
getting  there,  and  was  just  Ix-ginuing  to 
he  int.-iv-ted.  when  I  88W  IlKMItli'K'.- 
inquiring  look.  "An-  you  In-having 
nicely  ?"  it  said.  1  passed 
on  hastily. 

I  was  very  lonely  for  a 
while  after  that.  Three 
times  I  got  a  plate  of 
ciicunilx-r  sandwiches  safely 
into  a  corner,  and  three 
times  a  M^terly  eye  dragged 
us  out  again.  After  the 
third  failure  I  saw  that  il 
was  hop,-!.--.  10  I  wainlered 
about  and  tried  to  divide 
which  was  the  uglii-^t  hat  in 
the  room.  A  man  \<  the 
only  possible  judge  in  a 
competition  of  that  -•!'.  A 
Woman  I'-ts  ln-rself  lie  prc 

judiced    by   such    facts    as 


\Vi  i 1 .  JACKIE,  DID  you  BLEEP  WITH  THE  WEDDING-CAKE  t  XT>M  TOI-R 


that  it  is  so  fashionalile,  or 


happen  to  come  back  with   PILLOW  AKD  DREAM  or  TOUR  FUTURE  WIFE?" 


on    toast,    don't       -  x,t>  I_I  ATK  rr,  "cos  1  WAJ.T  MT  WIFE  TO  BE  A  SURPRISE  ! 


a    aardine 
bhmeiw." 

I  f<  mm  I  some  tea  after  a  long  struggle, 
but  by  that  time  I  had  lost  the  athlete. 
It  was  a  pity,  because  I  was  going  to 
hare  talked  to  II«T  about  Surrey's  victory 
o\.-r  Kent  at  Ladies'  Hockey.  I  don't 
know  anything  about  hockey,  but  it  in 
obvious  that  Surrey  must  play  Kent 
Borne  time,  and  it  would  be  an 
chance  that  Surrey  would  win.  The 
good  conversationalist  takes  risks  rhevr 

I,  the  "centre-forward  "  baring  dis- 
appeared, I  was  going  to  drink  the 
tea  myself,  when  I  caught  BRATBICE'S 

.    . 

\Vdl   yo«  have  some  tea?"  I  said 
to  my  neigbliour. 

"  I  think  a  little  coffee,  thank  you." 

iy." 

I  pressed  the  tea  into  the  hand  of  a 


•  • 


and   hurried  off. 


that  shows  you.    Alone,  I  should  have 
<rci  on  coffee  microbes, 
ousted  on  her  ha\ing  my  cup  of 
tea.     i 


"  How  do  you  do?"  I  started. 

"I've  heard  such  a  lot  about  you," 
began  JANE  brightly. 

1  never  know  what  to  say  to  that. 
There  must  lie  a  right  answer,  if  Tlit 
Oitrrn  would  only  tell  us.  As  it  was, 
I  said,  "  Thank  you." 

That  Mi  wrong,  so  I  added,  "So 
have  I." 

"Al«.ut  you."  I  explained  hurriedly. 
To  myself  I  said,  "You  know  you're 
not  really  carrying  this  off  well.  It  '• 
idle  to  pretend  that 

"\\'lint  have  you  heard,  I  wonder?" 

(inly  that  her  name  was  JAKE  some- 
thing. 

\h!"Isaid. 

tell  me!  " 

"I  mean.  I've  heard  friends  of  mine 
talk  aUmt  you." 

"i  Hi."  she  said  disappointedly,  "I 
tin  night  you  meant — 

.-.  ev.-nl>ody  has  heard 
h'm     of  Miss     er  urn     I  think 


that  she  saw  one  ju-t  like  it 
in  Hond  Street,  my  dear,  at 
live  guineas. 

I  had  narrowed  tin-  competitors  down 
to  five,  two  of  which  were,  on  form, 
certain  fora  place,  when  I  turned  round 
and  saw.  in  the  corner  Ix-hind  me 

(I  don't  know  if  you  will  IxTu-ve 
me) — 

A  man  with  a  plate  of  cucuml>er  sand- 
wiches ! 

I  rubbed  my  eyes  in  ama/.ement.  A 
man  ....  at  an  At  Home  ....  sitting 
down  and  eating  cucuin  Why, 

•  was  his  sister-in-law  ? 

There  was  only  one  thing  t"  )>••  done. 
The  favourite  in  my  compel!:. 
pink  hoopt)  was  ili-mgaged  for  the 
moment.  I  went  up  to  the  man,  took 
him  by  the  arm,  and  dragged  him  away 
from  his  corner,  lie  still  held  the  plate 
in  his  hand,  but  I  did  not  mind  that. 
"  Must  introduce  yon,"  I  whispered  in 
his  ear.  "  Famous  pri/.e  winner."  We 
pushed  our  way  up  to  the  lady. 

"  Here  he  is,"  1  said. 

And  I  I.- iked  round  triumphantly  for 

IICE. 


MAY  1,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


323 


dy  (Iteanny  Scotchman  grunt  with  disgust 'on' passing  advertisement   board).  "An,   I  SEE  Ton  AGREE  WITH  HE  THAT  THOSE  VANDALS 
SHOULD  NOT   BE  ALLOWED   TO   SPOIL  THIS   LOVELT  SCENERY   BY  PUTTING  UP   SUCH   HIDEOUS  THINGS." 

Sandy.  "  NAY,  IT  WASNA  THAT.    BUT  SHE  's  NO  A  QUID  WHUSKEY  ! " 


TO    MY    SLAVEY. 

I  HAVE  endured,  for  nearly  twelve  months  now, 
Your  daily  ministrations,  and  the  sight 

Of  your  untidy  frock,  your  tousled  brow, 

The  dust  that  smothers  all  things  with  its  blight, 

My  linen  and  my  books  and  papers  marred 

By  finger-prints  unmatched  in  Scotland  Yard. 

In  manners  and  in  truthfulness  you  fail, 

Your  cooking  is  unutterably  bad  ; 
But  all  your  other  misdemeanours  pale 

Before  your  awful  carelessness.  I  had 
Some  glass  and  china,  quite  a  decent  lot, 
Your  casual  duster  passed — and  it  was  not. 

Nor  have  you  spared  yourself ;  the  frequent  bruise, 
The  scalded  hand  bound  up  with  rag  and  string, 

Sprained  arm,  or  aakle  (you  appear  to  use 
The  stairs  for  practice  in  tobogganing) — 

All  these  are  features  of  your  daily  round  ; 

I  fail  to  recollect  you  wholly  sound. 

Yet  haply  still  I  might  have  dared  to  try 
A  further  course  of  your  assiduous  care, 


But  that  the  Act,  that  comes  in  next  July, 

Will  make  me  liable  for  your  repair ; 
Not  all  my  worldly  wealth  could  meet  the  claim 
For  only  one  week's  damage  to  your  frame. 

Yet  I  have  heard  that  Offices  exist 

Wherein  some  wretch  like  me,  who  must  endure 
The  perils  of  a  "  general,"  if  he  list, 

Can  by  small  sums  as  premiums  insure 
Against  all  claims  that  may  perchance  accrue ; 
And  I  have  tried  to  do  the  same  for  you. 

But  when  the  Agents  of  the  several  Firms 
Called  here  and  saw  you,  one  and  all  declined 

To  take  the  risk  upon  the  usual  terms 
Or  at  still  higher  payments ;  and  I  find 

That  Lloyd's,  in  your  case,  will  not  be  content 

With  any  premium  under  cent,  per  cent. 

So  we  must  part !  for  if  you  were  to  stay 
I  could  no  longer,  when  I  heard  the  wreck 

Of  the  few  things  still  left,  devoutly  pray 

That  you  just  once  for  all  might  break  your  neck  ; 

For  then  I  should  be  ruined  through  the  Act, 

So  kindly  understand  that  you  are  sacked. 


1TN<  II. 


THK 


i  ll 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(%.Vr.  JW  •'*«•) 

TBS    anonymous   writer   of    Pen, 


At  tin-  il.it>-  "f  thi-  st"r>  In-  is  .-till  tin-  light-hearted,  chival 

1'rince  ( 'mill. IK.  IOMH|    |,y  women,  admired    l>y  men.  a-  ready 
with  his  ..w..rd  a-  with  liis  f  .eh.     Tin-  l»«'k   is 

lii-iory.  lint    it   ailmiralily  serves  tin-  purpose 
,,f  illuniii  i.-rcst  for  mankind  is  deathless. 

The    Seine    may    lin.ithe    again.      I'nri*     the    l.r 

•         '•'  "         i,  Mr.  MOIMIMI.II  .M' 

ami   Messrs.  Hi  \i  K      will   n»t  set  it  <i|i   tin-.      I'm!    though  the 
book  is  lint  p[Nvh  iiiakiiu-.  Mi--  V.  >  lea.-antly 

enough,   if  not   \i-ry    profoundly,  on   vari  '    the 

:ty      it.-   f.iscinatiun   and    its   frock*,   it.-.   Women   ami    its 
I    it-   amii-enients,    it-  i    it- 

rhililrrn     ami    manages,  al»>ve    all.   to  give   ihioiighemt   the 
atmospheric   cfftvt   nf   the  child-like    j  ,;•  which 

linguistics   Parisians  from   the  inhaliii 

The  tWO  dozen  full-page  illu.-trati.ui-  in  colour,  which  together 
toTdiscmlit  him  in  their  estii'nat ion  than*  any  of  bi8   with  numerous  black  and   white  -kete 


ter   of 

.;u*  a  fur-miching  memorv.     1  !«•  knew  Fleet  Street 
-miiin  days,  and  was  a  member  ,  f  thr  Savage 
Club  befor.  ,e  obtrusively  respectable  and  n 

hospitality  t<>  Cabinet  Ministers.    He  recalls  an  oth 
forgotten  incident  in  the  caiwr  of  Jons  Bmcur,  who. 
of  nit  speeches  during  the  Reform  controversy  raging  it: 
the  day  of  Lows  and  HOBSJIAN,  alluded  to  a  famous  limit 
a»  if  it  were  spelt  Piuhly.    The  country  gentlemen  of  forty 
yean  ago  never  thought   much  of  .I..ii\    Ilni<:iir.  with  his 
heresies  in  respect  of  Free  Trade,  Parliamentary  I.Vform. 
•nd  the  gentler  government  of    Ireland.     This    l.lnnder    in 
•nfinncd  their  low  opinion.     It  probably  did 


more  deliberate  actions.  The  author 
has  a  tendency  to  sourness  in  his 
review  of  journals  and  journ 
past  and  present.  Ho  is  almost 
savage  in  his  contemptuous  : 
nation  of  the  new  development  in 
in  of  the  halfpenny  morning 
piper.  Hut  he  writes  with  know- 
ledge, in  a  style  curiously  mixed. 
Occasionally  his  sentences  sparkle 
with  epigram.  Now  and  again  he 
lapses  into  a  narrative  form  danger- 
ously approaching  incoherence. 

Miss  KIHTH  He -KKJir's  new  book, 
ThfUMfii  ll,i>rk  iKnwAKD  ARNOIJ»>. 
is  a  romance.  Oh !  a  romance  full 
of  Min-hine  and  love  and  the  joy 
of  living.  The  scene  a  corner  of 
I'rovpuco.  Trillon  the  hero— of  a 
beautiful  brown;  golden  -  bea  n  IIM  1  . 
hawk-nose  high  in  air.  and  with 
eyes  that  readily  catch  fire  and 
blaze.  J/ii-/.  /"iiii  the  dove  that  thi- 
hawk  would  pursue:  A/a Jr/«» u . 
« ith  lips  red  as  pomegranates  and 
her  iliioky  cloiicl  of  hair.  Trillon 
from  the  Kmsage-«)iop  in  Avignon. 
and  Madrloun  the  <'a-t<-l.ir  inn- 
keeper's daughter,  flying  to  the 
sun  together!  Peeaire'.  what  would  you? 


c.'iitriliutioii     to     the     volume,     are 


THE  ANCHOR  CANNON"  IS  NOW  REIUTK1) 
TO   A   FARCE.— KUiard  Organ. 


To  return, 


lie  u.i-  ;i   Tottenham  <'.>urt 
tradesman  ;  >he.   tin-  dan-liter  of  a 
titled    phy-ii-i.in.      They    met     in    a 
Sviali.-t     Cluli,     the    memln'- 
which   ohjected    to    i  I-.  in- 

rliidin  matrimony.  And  the 

World  was  shocked.  In  process  of 
lime  l'  llowisl  her 

parent.-'  example,  with  variations  of 
IMT  own.  And  a  shocked  World 
-aid,  "  I  told  \  :ml  no  one 

1    to    lie    a   penny   the  I 
There    you    have,    in    liald    outline, 
the  story  of  Thediild  "f   / 

I'llU'MVS       AMI       II  MI    .       I'.y       Ml  IIA 

STRFTTT.  The  author's  oh'. 
to  be  tlie  old  one  of  attempting  to 
prove  that  when  the  Principal-  are 
.is  charming  ami  high-minded  as 
undoubtedly  are  in  this  book, 
and  when  no  injury  is  done  to 
third  parties,  public  Opinko  in  this 
matter  is  a  blind  ami  stupid  con- 
vention, which  may  lie  ri.iihtly  delied. 
This  is  a  theory  so  ancient  as  to  !«• 
alino-'  iile.  and  Mi--  NnriA 

SVRETT  jirohably  Ix-lievi-s   iu   it  just 


however,  to  Douverie  Street.  1  wish  to  congratulate  Mis* 
Rtcxorr  with  all  my  heart  on  a  real  achievement.  There 
is  not  nitu-li  romance  left  in  the  twentieth  century,  but  Miss 
RICK  EXT  has  discovered  a  corner  where  it  may  still  flourish. 
And  yet  I  don't  know.  It  i»  not,  after  all,  the  scene  that 


as   much     and   just    as   little-  as   the  rest    of   us.     SI 
also  sure  to  know  that  the  facts  of  life  are  often   much  more 
cruel  than  its  fiction. 


his  three  days'   vi.-it  to  Glasgow,  the  I'rince  o) 


m»\<K»       wu,    MM/     VWMPV      v          -  III  -1  J  I'll' 

ives  the  book  its  atmosphere,  nor  the  style  nor  yet  the  plot.   \N  AIXS  laid  three  memonal  stones,  opemd  ,„ -w    .uil.lnigs  at 

ous  one !    Pop  him  into  '!»'  '  mversity.  and  received,  along  with  the  Princess,   the 


gives  toe  book  its  aunospnere,  nor  tne  si; 

It  is  simply  Trillon—  Trillon  the  glorious 

the  eleventh  book  of  Kin-lid,  and  he  would  make  a  romance 

of  it.     lists  off  to  him  ! 


Tke  Prince  t  Valtt  (Surra,  ELDEB)  is  a  vivid  study  of  a 
fascinating  personality  made  from  the  point  of  view  of  his 
body-servant.  Mr.  Bmerr  has  evidently  read  all  that  was 
said  or  written  about  CHARLES  HI/WARD  STVABT  after  hi- 
descent  on  Scotland  and  his  repulse  by  the  troops  of  the 
monarch  known  to  SMART  loyalists  as  "The  Hanoverian." 

Q08TATE,  the  valet,  follows  the  1'rimv  through  his  pilgrimage 

Hi.,  ni   in  hopeless  search  of 
money  and   troops  to  win  back  a  throne  his  family  twice 


•••••'         i  •  >. 


beloved  master  sank  to  the  '  i-ontirmed  drunkaril. 


freedom  of  the  City,  an  I.I,  I1  .md  three  ca-1 

nothing  of  trowels,  gold   key-,  and    the  seven    Imu.piets 
specified  in  the  official  programme.     \Ve  understand,  bow- 
e\er.  that   there  is  no  truth   in  the  rumour  that  at    lireakfasl, 
on    the    morning   of    his  departure,    tin-    I'KIMI.    remarked 
from  sheer   force  of    haliit,  as    he  tapped    the  shell    of    I 
"I  declare  this  egg  to  U-  well  and   truly  laid.      I 'lea 
the  pepper  cask 

"AW.  W.  D having  l»vn  iln! 

for  the 


i  honour  tliut  had  IMVII  i  ..nf.-rr^l   n|-.ii   him       II' 
u  fiillnw   in  lli"    i 


<lf  lli»  8I1CCO-  .'•/«   IlntllJ  .'. 

Till-  rit  \ve  like   to  see     the  spirit  which   knows 

b  word  as  "  Im|Ktssili|e." 


Mn  S,  1!MI7. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


385 


THE  COUNSELS  OF  BUCKSHOT. 

(\\'ii/i  aeknouHtdgmsntt  in  "  S."  in  "  1'hr 

\\'rnlmti<Hli'i- 

HVVIM:  occasion  to  investigate  (lie 
affairs  of  my  friend  HicKsiior.  recently 
ileceased.  I  was  astounded  at  the 
voluminous  notes  upon  men  and  matters 
\\lncli  he  had  made.  Nothing  seems  to 
have  esc -aped  Ins  comment  he  jotted 
down  impressions  of  marmalade,  motor- 
liuses.  A.  H.  ('.  girls,  spiritualism,  most 
impartially.  I  confess  I  do  not  grasp 
fully  the  meaning  of  some'  of  the  remarks, 
but  1  place  a  few  of  them  ungrudgingly 
before  an  unsuspecting  public  in  the 
confidence  that,  not  knowing  my  address. 
it  will  be  u na bio  to  make  me  a  sub- 
stantial token  of  its  gratification. 

Turning  lirst  to  a  little-  volume  of 
870  pages  ticketed  "  Spring,"  I  select  a 
sentence  or  two  instancing  BUCKSHOT'S 
wide  observation : — 

"Nature  is  renewed"  (he  says)  "in 
Spring  ....  The  time  of  snow  is  past ; 
birds  sing,  trees  put  forth  fresh  leaves. 
.  .  .  How  si  range-  it  is  that  the  imma- 
nence of  Spring  should  be  so  inherent  !  " 

I  pass  over  Summer  and  Autumn, 
on  which  his  meditations  are  no  less 
inspiring,  and  come  to  this  flawless  gem 
under  the  heading  "  .Margarine :"- 

"  To  contemplate  a  pound  of  Margarine 
in  the  right  spirit  is  to  the  wise  man 
very  helpful  in  seasons  of  mental  dis- 
tress. He  appreciates  the  gulf  between 
the  false-  and  the  true,  the  real  and  the 
unreal,  the  sporadic  and  the  epidemic. 
.  .  .  And  if  the  contemplation  of  a 
pound  of  Margarine  can  so  uplift  the 
soul,  how  much  better  were  it  to  consider 
two  pounds." 

Alter  Margarine  there  is  a  dissertation 
on  Mumps : — 

"A  child  with  the  mumps  is  a  pathetic- 
object,  but  a  man  with  the  mumps  is  a 
butterfly,  so  to  put  it,  broken  upon  the 
wheel.  Yet  his  companions  are  merry 
when  they  note  his  warped  smile,  his 
lop-sided  each innat  ion.  From  this  alone 
the  indigenous  infamy  of  human  nature 
may  he-  inferred  .  .  .  Tell  me  what  a  man 
laughs  at  and  I  will  tell  you  his  character 
.  .  .  To  have  a  friend  with  the  mumps  is 
one  of  those  Providential  occurrences  for 
our  restraint  and  guidance  ;  if  you  laugh 
at  him  1  say  you  arc-  a  homogeneous 
monster,  unfit  to  have  a  friend.  Alas, 
for  ingrained  ineptitude- !  " 

Twenty-live  paragraphs  relate  to 
I  mhrc-llas.  I  reproduce  one  : — 

"  The  office-boy  carries  no  umbrella; 
indce-d.  he-  would  lie-  the-  butt  of  his  com- 
peers did  he  possess  one.  But  elevate 
him  to  the  status  of  a  clerk,  and  the 
umbrella,  rolled  on  fine-  days,  opened  in 
we-t  weather,  becomes  part  of  his  equip- 
ment. Strange  proof,  this,  of  the  in- 


TllE   INGENIOUS   PAINTER,   FINDING   HIS   PICTURE   SKIED,   HITS   OS   A  PLAN   FOR   DRAWING    ATTENTION 

TO    ITS   MERITS. 


eradicable  incomprehensibility  of  man, 
who,  as  soon  as  he  hath,  wanteth  more. 
How  sad  this  is !  " 

BUCKSHOT  then  digresses  to  Weather, 
and  I  find  this  :  — 

"  Moonshine  is  the  dessert  of  the  day, 
the  compote  dc  fruit «  eif  the  menu  pro- 
vided by  the  gods  ...  If  it  were  not  for 
this,  'twould  be  a  sorry  world.  Ix't  us 
each,  then,  in  his  own  way  strive  to 
lighten  a  brother's  labours  with  a 
modicum  of  moonshine." 

I  could  go  on  quoting  for  hours,  or 
years,  but  must  stop.  I  cannot  refrain, 


however,  from  giving  a  snippet  from  my 
poor  friend's  notes  upon  London  : — 

"  London  is  the  maw  of  the  universe, 
into  which  is  thrown  everything  of  the 
best,  literary,  religious,  scientific',  as 
children  fling  buns  at  the  Zoo  or  rat  her 
at  the  elephant  in  the  Zoo.  .  .  .  And  if 
her  maw  is  so  horrific,  what  is  her  paw  ''. 
Under  her  paw  she  stamps  out  the  life 
of  all  who  do  not  throw  their  buns  Irom 
a  respectful  distance  .  .  .  Maw  and  1'aw 
— here  we  have  the  gist  of  the  whole 
matter." 

Good,  genial  BUCKSHOT  !    How  we  shall 


miss 


him ! 


Veil..    CXXXII. 


:•--• 


PUNCH,  "i:  TKK   LONDON   '  n  \i:i\.\i;i. 


Mn  8,  1907. 


ANOTHER    POET   OF   THE   CHANNEL. 

•  gaii   tin    •  tin-    l.iU-ial    <;.. \enini.-nl    lias 

been   the  Btthalion   of   Kngland   (l»n<l   l.ilx-ml  cli, ••/•«.      Ami 
Rome  was  Saved  l>y  hrr  geese  "  I/«H./  Tunj  l.iihjl,' 

The  memory   "'    'his    pl.-a-ant    -nrpn-e.    prodiii'-d    .it    the 
•i.lge  I'liinii   iii   th<  .lie-  Kirk   I"  me 

.i»  I  turn  over  the  page*  of  a  mode-t  little  brochure  entitled 

Our  I>litti<i  /•.'IK/''|>I<'.      Tuvnty  Konnftf  ;;icin-/  rr.im.rix   rr/ii/ 
uv  thoulti  not  mnkf  thr  <'h<iiiiu-l  TtiHtn-i  \V.  I' 

SwmoMB.     Gmt   national  crises   have    I »•(.•!••  now   ..ill.  •! 
forth  a  poi  •  utterance   I"   the   |-e<.ple'.-    inarticulate 

Ami  of  such   in   Mr   SWIMMINK.      Hi-  does  not  sing. 


the  linnet,  for  singing's  sake,  hermifte  he  inn.-l  ;   he 
with  a  purpose.     !l<  '.  nt  to  say,  "  I>et  me  make  the 

nation's  sonnet-.,  and  I  care  not  who  constrn.  t-  their  Channel 
Tunnel*."  He  undertakes  the  one  with  the  express  object 
of  pi  .nyUidy  fn.m  undertaking  the  other. 

motto  of  hi-  look,  /•.'</!«.  ,if  n-t-ililf.  '/'.  u.-ri.  i.-  illus- 
trated l>y  the  opening  sonnet  "  Mistrn.-t  the  Tunnel  '  " 
where  he  comiures  our  projected  tube  with  the  Wi««l.-n 
Hone  which  brought  about  the  undoing  of  Troy.  The 
comparison  is  perhaps  o|»-n  to  tin-  r.-lleetion  that  tin- 
had  no  share  in  the  const  ruction  of  the  fatal  monster; 
the  similarity  of  condition-  is  astonishing,  and 
notably  in  the  matter  of  the  h««-tilo  fleet  lurking  in  each  case 
just  round  the  corner  and  ready  to  supplement  the  assaults  of 
craft.  This  fine  thought  is  developed  in  the  second  sonnet 
"Antwerp!  ami  the  Channel  Tunnel,"  which  begins  with  an 
arresting  note  of  danger  : 

This  tunnel  make  not— Antwerp  ia  too  near. 

The  theme  of  our  traditional  frontier  is  next  introduced  in 
an  inspired  passage  where  the  blinding  force  of  emotion 
obliterates  all  distinction  U-tween  sea  and  coast.  Thus: 

In  NcLwix'*  dar  we  held  the  opppaing  roatt 
Waa  KngUnd'*  frontier  —now  it  teem*  that  we 


«  frontier  that  i»  not  the  KM. 

"\Vhatwould  \Vii.iiM.toSaml  NuiWNsay?"     Tliat  is  the 
question  which   giv.t*   its  title   to  another  "wnnet.      I' 
ouurae,  for  our  snkes,  not  theirs,  that   this  speculation    is 
advanced      They  have  their  own  record   which  will   remain 
unaffected  by  any  tunnel.     As  the  poet  very  rightly  puts  it  : 
On  their  behalf  'til  needle**  to  protect. 

Among  other  things  not  closely  contemplated  by  these  late 
masters  of  strategy  was  the  possibility  of  invasion'by  air-hip. 
Modern  experts  hare  stated  that  the  development  of  aerial 
transit  will  render  us  an  easy  prey  to  the  raider,  tunnel  or  no 
tunnel.  Not  so  Mr.  SWIXBOBXE,  who  lightlv  challenges  the 
foe  to  "  take  London  by  the  sky.'  if  ]„•  ,-.,„  : 

Lei  him  try  ! 

It  would  lie  futile  o'er  the  atraita  to  fly, 
Unleee  a  way  beneath  can  aerve  him  well 
To  bring  up  heavier  gun*. 

Later,  under  the  imperative  title  "Tunnel  not  our  Kngland  ! 
he  strikes  fearlessly  at  the  poisonous  root  ..f  all  the  mischief 

namely,  the  drmd  of  aea-aicknass.     8pl.-ndi.lly  oMivi,,,,,  .-f 
th-  almost  certain  fact  lli.n   the   tunnel   i,  d.-ik-n.-i 
under,    rather    than    over,   the    Channel.   ]„•    adjures    the 
nation  to 


n 


*  atill  open  to  the  akiea, 
f  the  warm  u  ofuimea  inroonaoJe. 

agnin.  tliere  are  the  KAMB'K  subject*  in  o,,r  mid-t 
Oerman  waitem,  (terman  players  on  the  tromU.ne    and  ~, 
f<.rth     all  ready,  at  a  hint   fn.m  tli.-ir  \V.,r  |.,rd.  t 

our  end   of  the   tunnel       It    j.   n,,t    their   fault      il,,v 
mean  w.-ll;  |,ut  it  will  U-  theirs  t  !|,,,,,t  n., 

iii  the  poet'n  own  <-..n\  in.  in- 


•iio 
In  I 
l-i   I 
A  IT  I  iu«rp  may  cooi' 

K  r 


(1*T 

•«-   n  a  \< 

*• 


With 

.1  tin-  trim. 

The    iiali-  •  -nt    our   own    solitary   consolation    in    the 

oOghl  of  tin-  [rightful  r.ipin--  \vliieh  \vonld  .  : 

I'll-  i^iit. 

'I  he  heading  of  Smnet  XVI.     ••Tunnel  l-'ir-t     *  '"ii~<  -ription 
After!'  --s    another    \ital    <|uestioti.       Itoth    the    Prune 

Mini.-t.-r  and  the  lyadrr  of  the  (  >p|>ositioii  will  !»•  r.-lievi-d  to 
li-.irn  that  the  full  weight  of.  the  po  -t  i>  on  their  side.  Tin- 
most  .  tT.vtixe  answer  \i-t  in.  id.  •  to  lli,-  ar-iiinent.-  in  favour  of 
univer.-al  U-  fouml  in  a  pasKi^e  which 

ignore.-  their  rxisti  i 

\Vliy   <!>•  llii-y  v 

II  i-  r.  .ill\  !    1  I  us  why. 

Itut  I  ha\e  in\  >ii-j,icion  lint  th  •  po  -t  i-  n>.t  .,t  hi-  logical 
l«-.-l  on  this  jiiint  ;  for  a  little  later,  in  a  da-hing  diatrilo- 
against  intervention  in  continental  ijuarrel- 

\Vli;ll  x^lill  I"  "^  ll  IV 

he  admit-   the   humiliating   truth   thai    w.-   hav,-   h-fore 
l»c:i  the  victims  of  numerical  superiority;   in  fait. 

.:iiini  e-niiit  on  eonqaering  i>n.-  t"  ii-n  ! 

The  cli  se  family  likencs-  hetween  conscription  and  the 
.neo:ne-tax  is  one  that  must  have  In  -en  reco-ni-ed  liy  many 
)  r.  (found  thinker.-  when  the  opponents  of  the  former  have 
Contended  that  a  free  p.-ople  could  never  lie  dia-ioned  into 
loleraticn  of  it.  This  n-seinlilance  has  not  escaped  our  )«M't. 
<  >n  a  i-olonred  slip,  inserted  in  his  little  volume,  he  print-  a 
few  afterthoughts  which  prove  that  his  alihorrence  of  i  ..... 
-cription  is  united  to  a  .-till  fiercer  detc.-tation  of  the  tyranny 
of  the  Kxchei|iier.  I  »m-  .-outlet,  in  which  he  advocat- 
Ixinfiro  for  certain  clauses  of  the  I'.iiL,  t.  opOM  with  the 
unforgi-ttalile  line  : 

It  i-  a  fraud,  thi*  liad-ful  income-tax. 

I'he  impiisitorial  nu-thiwl.-  of  the  Inland  Kevenne  I  tepartment. 
!-vcr  suspicious  of  the  d.-clarations  <4  honest  men.  draw  from 
him  an  indignant  pr 

How  ilan-  the  aaaeaaont  witli  rurt  JUI!K<II-II: 
It  i»  not  true  !     (.'an  tln-y  il'-tcnniin-  truth  'f 
Practiae  Un-y  it,  air!  all  it  i 

1  trow  not  ! 

Well  may  the  "goo-l  jn-t  in  in  "  revolt  from  their  "  pestering 
fonus  uncouth 

•  Thfir-  i»  mi  IM  rl^it 

To  aawa*  him  with  alirupt  aulh<inty  ' 

He  jpivc  tli-  .\f  inn't:!it'-'i;i-  mi^lit 

siin-i<  then  u-ur|ii|      iiut  wi-  in.  iv  In  i-  to  see 

Tin    u  .ill  ihru-t  out  a-  hall-fill  in  his  »i^ht. 

Myself,    I   do    not    share    this    sangui  ......  ut  look  ;    indo-d    I 

re-anl  tin-  in-.-t  -lip  a-  an  error  of  judgment,  and  but  for 
iteexi|iii-ite  diction  I  should  In-  lempted  to  tear  it  up.  On 
the  other  hand,  I  very  cheerfully  r.  :h.u  with  the 

n  Kent  of    the  in.  in.  ,t    :ic,  ,--  of    jKiW.T 

n'liieto   lliecani)i  of  t  he  ant  i  I  mi  m  1.  rs.      It-  t.  .pie  may, 
for  the  moment.    U-  off  the  f,i;.i.»  ;    lint    it    i-  ..itain   t 
tdsne;   and    ai/.nn-t    that    day    I    shall   carry   the-e   |»K-IIIS 

"'    I'-'l"  '  -M    Hi\    el,  ,  --t.aild    M.get    fortitude    to  defy 

the  promoter-  of  my  country's  ruin. 

A   Motto   for   Lord   Portanvjuth. 

"  ll    1    '  ulillft   ({n, 

lK.yi.il  think  I  M  WM.I  oi-  him  '    (  i|,    „, 


ITNVH.   Oil  Till-;  LONDON  CIIAKIVAKI.    MAY  8,  IflO". 


nwurJ 


THE   HAPPY   MEDIUM. 


AI.H-STIXK  THE  WIZARD  (cheerfully).  "HOW  DOES  THIS  STRIKE  YOU?" 
MH.  JOHK  liKi.MoM).  "H'M!     NOT  SO  BAD— AS  FAR  AS  IT  GOES!" 


MAY  8.  190T. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIYAHL 


329 


-- 


OUR    VILLAGE    CRICKET   CLUB.     PRACTICE    BEGINS. 

Wi:  IIUX'T  THINK  HE  HAD  A  GRUDGE  AGAINST  THE  NEW  SCHOOLMASTER — ANYWAY  SPIXSER  pin  ASK  HIM  IF  HE  won.nx'r  rrr  ox  SOME  PADS. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    HARMLESS    SELF- 
EDUCATOR, 

THK  difference  between  Tennis  mid 
I,iiwn-Teniiis  has  been  exhaustively 
dealt  with  by  The.  Duilt/  Mail  in  an 
entertaining  article  widen,  combines  the 
maximum  of  anuisenient  and  instruction  ; 
though  the  writer,  probably  from  a 
praiseworthy  fear  of  offending  German 
NUceptibiHtiea,  has  somewhat  strangely 
omitted  to  point  out  that  the  French 
names  Tor  the  two  games  ,are  Ji'ii  <!<• 
I'ntime  and  Jcu  He  Paiime-di1  ti'ri'i',  so 
called  because  in  France  lawn-tennis  is 
generally  played  on  earth-courts.  In 
ilic  all-important  matter  of  helping  the 
masses  In  educate  themselves,  Mr.  I'mn-li 
feels  that  he  cannot  .do  better  than 
follow,  however  far  behind,  in  the  wake 
of  the  Prince  of  Pedagogues.  Here, 
then,  is  a  bright  little  article  on  Cricket 
which,  without  being  exhaustive,  gives  a 
fair  idea  of  the  mysteries  of  this  popular 
game. 

KT  AM>  COUNTY  CRICKET. 


Although  their  titles  are  so  much 
alike,  there  is  a  great  dissimilarity 
between  the  games  of  Cricket  and  County 
Cricket. 


County  Cricket  is  generally  played  on 
Nottingham  Marl,  on  which  the  gates  or 
"wickets"  are  pitched.  There  is  a  third 
gate  at  the  entrance  to  the  walled-in 
ground,  and  the  object  of  the  players  is 
to  make  this  particular  gate  as  large  as 
possible.  In  Cricket,  which  is  played 
on  grass,  there  is  no  entrance-gate.  In 
both  games  a  club  or  "bat"  (made  of 
wood)  and  a  hard  leather  ball  are  used. 

There  is,  however,  a  great  difference 
in  the  bowling  at  the  two  games.  The 
bowler  at  County  Cricket,  instead  of 
sending  the  ball  straight  to  his  oppo- 
nent, has  to  direct  it  as  nearly  as  possible 
out  of  his  reach,  either  to  the  "off"  or 
the  "leg"  side,  from  which  it  rebounds 
at  all  sorts  of  angles.  If  the  batsman 
lias  a  reputation  and  an  average  to  keep 
up,  he  lets  it  severely  alone.  This  is 
one  of  the  principal  strokes  of  the  game, 
and  without  it  County  Cricket  would  not 
be  what  it  is;  nor  would  the  matches 
last  the  regulation  three  days. 

It  is  also  a  common  stroke  in  County 
Cricket  to  hit  the  ball  not  with  the  bat 
but  with  the  pads,  which  are  made  of 
white  leather.  It  is  this  stroke  with  the 
pads  which  is  one  of  the  great  points  of 
the  game,  and  many  county  players  owe 


much  of  their  success  to  the  clever 
manner  in  which  they  utilize  their  legs 
to  guard  their  stumps. 

A  County  Cricket  ground  is  surrounded 
by  a  brick  or  stone  wall,  and  the  players 
are oftenknownas"stone-wallers."  Many 
balls  which  would  go  out  of  the  ground 
at  Cricket  are  blocked  by  the  stone- 
wallers  in  County  Cricket.  There  is  also 
an  inner  boundary,  made  of  rope,  over 
or  under  which  the  spectator  is  allowed 
to  peer  at  the  players,  risking  the  chance 
of  a  black  eye  if  one  of  the  stone-wallers 
should  happen  to  open  his  shoulders. 
This,  however,  does  not  often  happen  out 
of  Kent,  which  is  known  as  the  long-hop 
county  from  the  way  in  which  its  bats- 
men treat  their  opponents'  best  length 
balls.  

"  Britain  consumes  140,000,000  Ibs.  of  riir- 
rants  yearly.  Judged  from  a  scientific  stand- 
point, tliis  enormous  weight  of  currants  is  equal 
in  nutritive  value  to  187,500,000  tons  of  lean 
beet" — lArerpool  /•.V/n>. 

\Vi-:  are  always  glad  to  welcome  new 
ideas,  but  this  so  upsets  all  our  precon-. 
ceived  notions  as  to  the  values  (nutritive 
and  otherwise)  of  the  common  currant 
that  we  are  reluctantly  compelled  to  dis- 
believe it. 


" 


H.    <»|;    TIIK    l.nNDoN    ( 'II AKIV  AIM. 


8,   l'»7. 


THE    FUNNY    FURNITURE   CO 


' ' 


I '  ',    :• 


[Tltit  Adrrrtitfrnent  hat  been  care 
fully  jirrpared by  member •  <•>'  Mr.  /'mi.-//. 
•fa/,  who  have  not  mffriv.i  i  n  th<-  procrt* 
having  been  not  only  /.ii./  />//  Vr  I'nn 
but  pretmtfd  with  a  mini'.  <•  ,,f  rlmrmi 
and  utfful  tourfiurt  by  the  obliged  Com 
pany;  ink.  ohm  frirmUy,  /win//  a 
thirkfr  than  water.] 

IT  is  well  known  that  nothing  to  so 
inimical  to  longevity  and  good  health 
as  melancholy  and  tears.  "  faugh  one 
grow  fat,"  says  the  proverb,  as  also 
"Care  killed  the  cat."  A  proverb,  as 
to  well  known,  to  the  wisdom  of  many 
and  the  wit  of  one ;  and  proverbs  cannoi 
lie.  It  follows  then  that  if  we  would 
live  long  and  be  well  we  must  laugh 
But  how  laugh?  What  better  way  than 
to  be  surrounded  1>>  the  humorous?  An 
Englishman's  house  to  his  castle,  and 
if  at  every  turn  that  castle  makes  him 


laugh,  what  a  linppy  life  is  hto !     The 

'••ion  of  the  Funny  Furniture  Co. 
to  fill  every  home,  no  matter  how 
bumble,  with  laughter.  Not  ordinary 
laughter,  but  "laughter  holding  both 
1..-  - .  i.  - 

If  all  houses  were  furnished  on  our 
•yatom,  no  one  would  ever  go  out  at  all. 
The  theatres  and  music-halls  would 
dose.  The  comic  papers  would  cease 
'  •';,•••• 

The  magistrates  would  retire. 

Austrian  lient-wood  chairs  a  speciality. 

Hut  him  1- 

Ah! 

Thai  to  our  secret 

The  wood  to  bent  with  laughter 
One  of  our  staff  cracks  jokes  in  the 
Austrian  woods,  while  them  trees  are 
yet  saplings,  and  they  double  up. 

All  our  tables  set  the  company  in  a 
roar.    No  need   for  bosta  to  be"  witty 
and  hostones  facetious,  the  table  don 
it  all.     Just  take  a  seat  at  once  and 
.ur-'lf. 

' 
'        -•..'•.-.         .:       .  -    ' 


Ti>      our     .-i'l<-  splitting     sid.-l. 
line  is  enough  for  any  In. MM-.      You  wil 
bdveryrash    if   \oii    Kiiy  two.       I  r\   am 
open  them ' 

That  's  when-  tin-  j..ke  ii.ini-.  in. 


Ask  one  of  your  friends  casually  if  he 
would  mind  getting  something  out  of 
tin-  sideboanl,  and  watch  the  result. 

Try  it  on  the  new  parlourmaid. 

If  you  want  another  sideboard  let  it 
lie  one  of  our  Buffoon  Buffets. 

They  are  equally  funny.  Try  and 
carve  on  one  of  them. 

Try  our  Droll  Drawers  that  won't 
>f>eii  ami  won't  shut. 

Try  our  Woshstands  that  won't  wash. 

Facetious  fireplaces. 

These  are  a  great  success,  especially 
f  one  uses  our  special  comic  coal.  J I :  i  \  .  • 
me  in  the  coldest  room  in  the  house, 
md  put  a  visitor  there  when  it's  draw- 
ng.  Then  listen  at  the  door.  Boars  of 
aughter  guaranteed.  Money  returned 
"f  you  don't  ache. 

Trick  beds  for  visitors. 

Apple-pie  sheetings. 

Involving  carpets. 

Cushions  with  pins  in  them. 


( 'hair    aeatings    with    cobbler's    wax 

Witty  wall-papers. 

Trutimctn'uil*. 

H.-.id      I'-h.-r     in     Mr.     Justice 
Km  is.,'-  Court  writes:  "I  now  laugh 
more  of  an  evening  than  I  do  of  a  day." 

The    K.I.L.r   ..f    7V     /',!//    .V.I//    '• 


"  Tin'  \\anlrnlH-   i-,  funnier  tlian 
1  In  and  Out.'  " 

Messrs.  BAIIKKK  and  VHHIKNM   \\nie 
"  I'le.ise    send    a    set    of    ymir    fire  irmi- 
with  our  coiii|>liiiieiit.-.  to  .Mr.  Sn\w." 

Mr.  .lo.-ii'ii    l.v.ss   write.- :     "1    go   to 
l~-.l  niiiring  i-x.-ry  night." 


EXTRAORDINARY   INSTAM'i 
LONQEVITT. 

[By  the  courtesy  of  tin-  K.lil.«r  of  Thr 
lh,-lnl,,r,  who  has  mip|ili>- I  n«  uiili  ailruncr 
K.fM,  we  are  eiuil>l>-.|  h>  print  tin-  Mi. .wins 
.-ctioii  fr.ini  tlif  Ictl.Ts  which  will  ;ip|»Mr  in 
the  next  issue  of  oar  esteemed  .  -ni.-i..;. 

[To  (lie  K<l,t,,r  ../  "  7V..-  />.'r/<i/..r."] 
Sin.  I  am  tin-  happy  possessor  of  a 
[•arri.t  which  1  have  taught  to  shoulder 
i  ritle  and  .-ay  "Free  Trade  fur  ever." 
This  parrot,  which  was  brought  home 
liy  my  grandfather  Sir  lti:i.m\\i  ('. H  ki.i. 
K.C.B.,  from  the  Andaman  l-lands  in 

.ir    iMil,  Mas   then    1  |u   jmi 

and  Ltst  montli   we  cclclirat.sl  its  183rd 

Dirtliday.       AU.iit    six    months   ago    it 

learly  died  of  intluen/a.  and  lust  almost 

all  its  tail  fenthers,  but,  thanks  i..  e.in-ful 

iiirsing.  it   sli.uly  n.i.ventl  and  is  now 

n    rohuM    health.       I  )ue    re<ull    of     its 

llliess    was    very    curious.      Kc.r   s.-veral 

weeks  it  suffered  from  partial  aphasia,  and 

1  of  sa\  ing  "  l-'r.i-  Trade  for  . 
ise.1  to  cry,  "liive  (n.ir  I'olly  a  I'refer- 
Mice."      Slrangi-   to  relate,  its  tail,  which 
ivas  previously  a  tine  tunjuoise  Klue.  i> 
iow    a    deep    salmon     pink,    while    the 
•iirvatmv  of   it?,  l>eak  i-  much  inor, 
i..iinee.|.       1   may   add    that    although  it 
las  Ix-en  a  coiilirm.'d   smoker  for  many 

it  cannot  IK-  induced  to  touch 
inything  stronger  than  cherrx  Imindy. 
•or  many  season-,  it  ii-ed  to  a.-.-ompany 
ne  when  I  went  out  hunting.  ]H-rclied 

:i  the  .MI-,  of  my  la\oiirite  mare 
''ocaluniiiis.  I. in  as  the  new  M.I-'.M.  is  a 
iol.-nt  Tariff  Reformer  I  have  thought 
t  wiser  in  |.-a\e  it  at  home  on  lhe-e 
I  am.  Sir, 

I  Ins   P.  .1  v,  • 
Tin   Ski-lli'j*.  Miii'ln  1 '.;/.•. 

[To  /;»•  /  r."j 

SIH,     Your   eorrespondeiit     Mr.    IW- 
st.iry  of  a    Komliay  duck    which 


MAY  8,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


331 


lived   to  tin-    age.  of    eighty-nine    has 

touched  nio  so  deeply  that  I  beg  to 
enclose  a  postal-order  for  low.  towards 
erecting  a  suitable  mausoleum  over  the 
remains  of  this  grand  old  feathered 
veteran. 

I  am,  Sir,  &c.,      PETER  SWAIJ/W. 

[7o  tin-  K<litnr  of  "  The  Dictator."] 
Sit;,-  -On  a  recent  visit  to  Egypt  I 
was  present  at  the  excavation  of  a  her- 
metically sealed  sarcophagus.  Contrary 
to  expectation,  there  was  no  mummy  in 
the  sarcophagus,  but  if  there  had  lieen. 
and  the  mummy  had  been  alive,  it  would 
have  been  3,00*.)  years  old.  Comment 
is  needless,  but,  I  think  this  is  one  of 
the  most  remarkable  cases  of  inferential 
longevity  on  record. 

I  am,  Sir.  yours  obediently, 

ERNEST  PAJIUEII. 

|  Tn  tin  /•;-/;/">•  <>f  "  Tin-  Ifu-tiilor."] 
Sin.  1  have  for  the  last  thirty  years 
been  in  the  habit  of  taking  my  politics, 
my  ethics  and  my  views  de  omnibus 
rrliit.ii'l  ^iii/nixilam  allis  from  the  columns 
of  27)e  Dlrlator.  About  a  year  ago, 
however,  my  faith  was  slightly  shaken 
by  your  editorial  endorsement  of  a 
story  relating  how  a  Colonial  archdeacon 
had  trained  a  kangaroo  to  use  the  type- 
writer and  act  as  his  amanuensis.  In 
last  week's  issue  you  append  a  similar 
endorsement  to  the  narrative  of  Mr.  II. 
OAKKS,  of  ( Vamlwrough,  who  states  that 
he  has  in  his  service  an  old  gardener 
whose  great-grandfather  witnessed  the 
landing  of  WILLIAM  THE  CONQUEROR.  It 
is  painful  to  sever  old  ties,  but  this  is 
the  last  straw,  and  henceforth  I  must 
transfer  my  allegiance  to  a  journal 
which  imposes  a  less  arduous  strain  on 
the  credulity  of  its  subscribers. 
Tlie  Gheftnute,  I  aui,  Sir,  &c., 
Chotclent.  ALFRED  JOSSER. 

[We  deeply  regret  Mr.  JOSSER'S  decision,  but 
Mr.  OAKES,  as  we  have  often  found  ou  previous 
occasions,  is  a  man  of  notorious  and  peculiar 
veracity,  and  we  have  no  reason  to  doubt  the 
substantial  accuracy  of  his  story. — ED.  Dictator.] 

[To  the  Editor  of  "  The  Dictator."] 
SIR,— I  confess  that  Mr.  H.  OAKES'S 
story  strikes  me,  if  you  will  pardon  an 
expressive  neologism,  as  a  bit  thick.  It 
sec  ins  to  me  that  the  gardener,  being 
presumably  a  man  of  imperfect  educa- 
tion, may  have  confused  WILLIAM  THE 
(  'ONOI-EROR  with  WILLIAM  TOE  THIRD.  Or 
perhaps  his  great-grandfather  did  really 
see  the  event  put  on  the  stage.  Or 
thirdly,  he  may  have  witnessed  it  in  a 
previous  incarnation. 

I  am,  Sir,  &c., 

A  MODERATE  SCEPTIC. 

[We  arc  delighted  to  publish  "A  MODERATE 
.ScEi'iic'.s  "  ingenious  but  unconvincing  letter. 
For  ourselves,  wo  cling  unhesitatingly  to  the 
truth  of  Mr.  II.  OAKES'S  story,  which  beautifully 
combines  "  simple  faith  "  with  "  JCorman  blood." 
Remember,  the  man  was  not  a  fisherman  or  a 


He.   "SO   YOCR   HUSBAND   HAS   GIVES   UP   SMOKING? 

She.  "  WELL,  1  'VE  GOT  ONE." 


THAT  WANTS  A  PRETTY  STRONG  WILL." 


greengrocer,  but  a  gardener — one  of  a  class 
whose  integrity  has  never  been  impugned. — ED. 
Dictator.] 

[To  the  Editor  of  "  The  Dictator."] 

SIR, — I  trust  that,  in  view  of  the 
interest  you  take  in  longevity,  you 
will  lend  your  powerful  advocacy  to 
the  support  of  special  old-age  pensions 
for  persons  of  150  years  of  age  and 
upwards.  I  enclose  an  interesting 
actuarial  statement  made  out  by  my 
friend,  Professor  Dorn  (who  holds  the 
Chair  of  Comparative  Alienology  in  the 
University  of  Bologna),  which  I  trust 
you  will  find  space  to  print  in  your 
valued  paper.  1  am,  Sir,  &c., 

(Count)  SERGIUS  CHUMPOFFSKY. 

[Count  CHUMFOFFSKY'S  admirable  suggestion 
will,  we  feel  sure,  commend  itself  to  nil  humane 
readers.  We  deeply  regret  that  we  cannot  find 
space  for  Professor  DOTTI'S  statistics,  which 


have  all  the  fascination  of  a  fairy  tale,  but  by 
way  of  proving  our  genuine  interest  in  this 
movement  we  are  prepared  to  guarantee  a 
year's  free  subscription  to  The  Dictator  to  any 
person  who  can  furnish  satisfactory  proof  of 
having  attained  his  150th  birthday.— ED. 
Dictator.]  ___==___ 

FROM  the  Regulations  of  the  Birming- 
ham Public  Library :  — 

"  A  person  shall  not  smoke  tobacco  or  any 
like  substance  in  any  part  of  the  library." 

This  is  rather  a  nasty  one  for  some 
cigarette  smokers. 

IT  is  only  KIPLING  who  knows  all  the 
naval  technicalities,  but  any  landsman 
can  grasp  the  full  significance  of  this : — 

"  Fleet  arrived  Lagos  at  noon,  anchoring  in 
two  lines  astern  of  each  other."— Naval  atid 
Military  Pecord. 


1TN<  11.    ni;    THK    LnMHiN    (  II  AIM  \  A  III. 


MAI 


THE    CRY    OF    THE    RUSSIAN    CHILDREN.' 

' 

,r  off  and  pitiful  and  weak. 
:.<>.  it  was  tin-  sigh 

of  the  wo*  v  •  ''"it:  !•••'••• 

lid  wan*  nrmll  tamed  »»an» 

mblegldlaeBB  fan  the  new-fo 

Again  !     It  i*  aery  !     Ami  yet  again  ! 
And  tirst  it  iwelk,  and  then  it  neon  t<>  f.< 

:|  with  pain. 
lot  heart  iifraiil. 
lighting  u(T  with  prayer 


A  ri>  'I  litt1' 

The  tab 

'loin  iior  kn-e  nor  lean*  avail.  -I 


• 


lender  than  rolling  drum, 


lioK  piercing  than  the  clam  ,le's  notes, 

Fi>  m  1 1  USM.I'- stricken  has  cut  lie 

Of  many  thousand  tender  little  thn 

Soon  to  be  dumb 
Unless  —         Hut  \\>-  are  MTV  very  far, 

And  we  have  much  to  do 
I'uder  our  brighter  and  more  fortunate  star 

The  whole  day  through 
Joyance  and  high  delight  and  festival 

r  great  and  small 
At  home,  and  our  own  children  claim  their  share  : 

We  have  no  gift  to  ~|,.ire 
For  KiiK-i.i's  children,  and  this  cry  of  fear 
Was  but  a  dream  sound  hu/./ing  in  our  ear. 

k  this  our  answer?     No.  it  cannot  !»•' 

We  cannot  choose  hut  hear.     This  is  no  dream 
That  makes  imagined  things  to  -.-em  : 

This  m  Hod's  truth  that  pleads  for  charity. 

For  God,  who  net  the  nations  far  apart. 

Estranged  by  thought  and  speech, 
He  humid  us  each  to  each. 

Heart  tliat  can  suffer  unto  suffering  heart. 
In  His  high  Name  we  cannot  let  the  fry 
< '(  little  children  go  unheeded  by. 

For  He  was  once  Himself  a  little  child, 

Humble  and  mild, 
And  loved  all  children  ,  and  I  think  His  face 

111  that  eternal  place 
Where  still  He  waits  and  watches  us  will  smile 

For  love  of  pity  if  we  stretch  our  hand 
And  let  our  gifts  go  forth  o'er  many  a  mile 
'  if  stonny  urn  and  many  leagues  of  land. 

k,  how  the  little  children  make  their  plea, 
Their  pitiful  plea  for  help.    What  shall  ouransw.-r  !*• 

•THE  following  in  an  extract  from  a  letter  which  Mr.  l'um-1 
has  received  from  l»r.  KK\N«I>,  formerly  House  Physician  at 
the  Children's  II  nd  Street,  and  now  rest 

dent  at  Samara,  Ituasia :  — 

M  Then  arr  orer  300,000  children  in  Samara  alone  who  n.  • 
and  cannot  get  it :  oowm  give  no  milk,  for  they  in  tliflr  turn  f.-l  ..(!  ih< 
decayed  »traw  from  the  roof  lop* :  then  fur  want  ..f  milk  il,.--  .  InMn-i 
and  babiea  of  the  eartieM  a«r  are  forced  to  eat  black  bread,  r.i 
rnconber.  awl  anything  that  ramM  aim  . 

•Mr  God  happen*  to  iwn.li,  aa  the  piaaiiili  pathetically  alale  in  th. 
•nak.    I  bar*  mymU  aeen  yooag  babie*  with  their  nothen  eatin 

oaJt  bark,  and  the  mother*  ha»e  «• ;  .,~  ukm  lr..i 


IH   tlll'll    '  (.«.!     f(  1 

i-.itli  ami  ilix'UM-  ;  .iii.l  it  ih 
lilp-ii    that    I   a|'|-i'.il    !•'  MI-   I'n 
to  !«•  rmnil  in   tin' 

.Mr.    I'nwli    venture^.    <>u    In-half   of    th'  -t. 

in  children,  to  a^k  I  hi-  assistance  of  ||KM-  friends  of  his 
vho  have.  In-fore  now,  made  a  .splendid  iv-|~iiisc  to  hi^  ap|«-.d 
u  tl  I  sum-ring  childhood.  ( 'oiitriliiitions  in 

either  directly  or  through  '  •KM-III  \t\  \   A'.M». 

/'HII--/I  oilic.'.  in.  Boaverie  S  Mr.  K  W.  HK.«.K~. 

7l'.  Feiichurch  Stni-I.  K.C.,  liy  whom  they  will 
JC  safely  forwarded  to  the  llcliel  ( >rganis;ition  at  MUM-OU. 
o  U-  distributed  in  Samara  through  private  channels  by 
t>iii|K*teiit  doi-lors,  nurses,  and  lady  volu: 
.uent  ollicials  or  agents  will  not  be  allowed  to  have  any  hand 
u  the  iliftribiitiun  ()f  this  fund. 


Tl.MK  F.ATINC. 

Tin-  /Mi/i/  .V<ii/,  discussing  the  question  U  to  whether  an 
chcstni  in  rest.iiirants   1>  an  aid   to  digestion,  is  of  opinion 
hat   many  ]-e<>ple   under  such   conditions  are   unable  t 
without  keeping  Unto  to  the  mono.     \Ne  have  long  su(Tere«l 

m  that    ]>opular  nni-ance  the  time  U-ater,  who  puiiet1 
the   inel.xly   with    insistent   feel    in   a   theatre  or  concert-hall. 
We    are    now    introduced    |o   a    more    harmless    \ariety      the 
time-cater,  who  si-ems  to  be  a  .sort    of  cross  lietween  a  g:> 

me  and  a  metronome.  Such  devotees  of  dental  rhythm 
would  IK-  less  sinning  than  sinned  against,  if  a  second  llr.Mtt 
Wooi>  were  marshalling  the  more  belli.-,,se  and  chaotic 
I  'I'.  nviko\sk^'-i  "ISli1"  with  en-s  accents  ami 
imitation  cannon  aci  .....  ipanimeiil.  We  consider  that,  if  time- 
eating  is  likely  to  prevail  to  any  great  extent,  a  <|iialitied 
medical  man  should  be  en  gaged  in  every  melodious  restaurant 
to  prescrilx-  and  conduct  the  musical  menu.  He  should  »,-,• 
to  it  that  the  programme  ends,  with  a  full  cadence,  and  that 
occasional  bar's  rest*  have  U-en  duly  iotenMraed  with  free 
treatment  of  the  bas,s  for  the  benefit  of  the  thirstier  memlM-rs 
of  his  rlli-ntl-lf.  He  will  preserve  a  judicious  balance  between 
common  and  triple  measures,  and  refrain  from  choking  his 
hearers  by  a  too  sudden  dislocation  of  their  masticatory  In-at. 
M\<IMAI  and  I.r.oM  \v\i.i.o,  therefore,  must  In-  applied  with 
caution,  if  at  all.  In  future,  the  expression  "Time!  gentle- 
men.  please"  shall  not  IK-  taken  to  indicate  that  it  is  ll'..",n 
A.M.,  but  that  certain  niemlier.s  of  the  audience  with  defective 
ear  are,  8O  to  speak,  out  of  jaw,  and  eating  like  a  JMM!  of 
bells.  _ 

Our  Strenuous  Policemen. 
FltoM  an  advertisement  in  77n:  7>ni/i/  Mull: 
"  I   wan  unalili'  to  git  up  in  lx-<),  tli'is  Ix-inij  ki-jit    frmu  ilnlv  —  I  was 
in  the  Metropolitan  Police. 


The  Simple  Life. 

I       I      Mniistrr.  rx|»-rii-imvl   in  large  OOtgHftifat,   >• 
pulpit  in  lieu  of  Munne  during 

Oil  is  it  the  result  of  a  bet  'J 


Wanted  a  Mawenr  to  apply  massage."— Katt  I. 

'••h 

Tills  makes   it  quite  clear  that   li<;  won't   have  to  feed  the 
rabb 

'I'll--    Ihiili/   Mail   IP|     May    L'nd    contained    a    notice   of    th- 
I,    '.l.'i     line,     in    length.       \«    /./;•<•/•    tlmn     I.'!    /ill'1, 


rfiii-iiiiiiK-i-.      Who   say-i    n«iu 
I  that  we  ale  not  a  musical  nation  'f 


MAY  8,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


333 


Parson  (icho  has  been  riniting  the  school,  to  son  of  local  groom).    "I'M  SORRY  TO  HEAR  YOU  SPELL  BADLY,  JOHNNIE.     Now  TELL  ME. 
S-A-D-D-I.-E.    WHAT  is  THAT?"    (No  answer.)    "You  SHOULD  KNOW  THAT!    WHAT  is  IT  YOUR  FATHER  PUTS  ox  A  HORSE  EVERY  DAY?" 
Johnnie.  "  A  BOB  EACH  WAY,  SIR." 


TABOOMANIA. 

Mi:  1'iuich  is  so  powerfully  impressed 
by  the  action  of  the  Lord  Chamberlain 
in  suppressing  all  performances  of  the 
Mikado  (and  thereby  throwing  into  con- 
fusion a  large  number  of  provincial 
theatrical  engagements)  that  he  is  moved 
to  follow  suit.  He  therefore  forbids  his 
readers,  all  and  several,  and  the  British 
Public  at  large,  to  continue  the  lacera- 
tion of  national  and  foreign  suscepti- 
bilities by  the  employment  in  speech, 
writing,  singing,  gramophoning  or  inar- 
conigram,  of  any  expressions  appearing 
iu  the  subjoined  list  : 

"To  take  French  leave." 
"Made  in  Germany." 
"  Castles  in  Spain." 
"  He  is  full  of  Dutch  courage." 
"  Scratch  a  Russian,  and  you  '11  find 
a  Tartar." 

"  He 's  a  regxilar  Turk." 

"Spoiling  the  Egyptians." 

"  Can  the  Ethiopian  change  his  skin?" 


"  Lo,  the  poor  Indian  !  " 

"  For  ways  that  are  dark,  the  Heathen 
Chinee  is  peculiar." 

"  Go  to  Jericho !  " 

"They  didn't  know  everything  down 
in  Judee." 

"  Caledonia,  stern  and  wild." 

"  How  very  Hibernian  !  " 

"  TAFFY  was  a  Welshman,  TAFFY  was 
a  thief !  " 

"  To  behave  like  a  boor." 

JOHN  BULL  has  so  many  ententes  on 
hand  just  now,  that  Mr.  Punch  is  living 
in  momentary  terror  lest  any  of  them 
should  be  imperilled  by  some  chance 
and  indiscreet  allusion  dropped  at  a 
Little  Peddlington  Penny-reading.  What 
if  the  Republic  of  Hayti,  say,  should  get 
wind  of  the  same!  He  feels,  in  fact, 
that  the  thoughtless  whistling  of  a 
Peckham  school-boy  may  precipitate  an 
international  conflict,  in  the  present 
electrical  state  of  the  political  atmo- 
sphere, and  is,  therefore,  constrained  to 
appoint  himself  Censor-in-chief. 


THE  TRIALS  OF  AN  ARTIST. 

I  HAD  a  flannel  shirt  of  purple  hue, 
A  choice  example  of  the  hosier's  art ; 

There  came  a  friendly  man  who  had  to  do 
With  washing,  and  removed  it  in  a  cart. 

Oft  on  a  Monday  had  I  seen  this  done, 

The  sign  of  yet  another  week  begun. 

I  had  a  picture,  mostly  purple  too, 

A  nymph  reclining  on  a  marble  slab, 
And  this  another  friendly  man  withdrew 
And  bore  it  from  me  in  a  four-wheeled 

cab. 
"  Now  for  a  time,"  quoth  I,  "  my  labours 

cease 
Ere  I  begin  another  masterpiece." 

Alas,  the  nymph  returned — her  journey 

vain, 

A  week  she  kept  me  in  acute  suspense ; 
And  with  the  washing  came  the  shirt 

again, 

Yet  with  this  all-important  difference — 
It  had  (unlike  to  any  work  of  mine) 
Hung  for  a  few  brief  hours  upon  the  line. 


I'l  \c||     n|;    Till-    I.MMMiN    CHARIVARI. 


Mu    - 


THE    JOYS    OF    TOURING.     No.   2.-THE    SPANISH    FORD. 

Till-    \*   THC    -.'HI   or    rtllv.:   TIMT    MAKFS    Vol'    WISH    Yor    HAD   TKIED   THE   OTHK*    IIOITK,    Ksl-l.  HIM    wms    r<M 
AJSB  THE  IXIXVEUUTKiVHooK   fun    Till     1-1.    •«.     MnTnKISTS  •  l\l\     \M1IIIV;    I  i  ION  ! 


K->"»     nil     I  i 


ARCTURUS. 

'"  An-tuni".  *hirh  i»  a  giganti.-  «rl>  .-|n.il  to  K...H.  t»i-lv(>  or  i 
liun-lml  -in-  lik  .....  ir  HHII.  is  living  llinHifjii  si-arc  at  the  rate  of  som- 
?.">7  mile-.  |»T  —...nd  in  a  Mr.iiKlii  li"«  f»r  «-\.T  .  .  .  II  I'TOIKKY  «•<•!•• 
now  alin*  it  wonkl  rf|iiirv  all  lii«  skill  to  |«-itvivr  thai  Arrtunis  li.-l.l  .. 
liflrntit  I.-HI..II  lr>mi  il.at  in  wliich  he  IIMI!  lo  Hlwlr  it."  Mr.  \\'.  K. 
" 


Oorrrtt  H*hrr  m  "  Thr 

I"  wliirlitl  ;icn»w  SJKKV 

In  a  i.i.  •• 

With  hiniM'lf  at  ii  | 
Wliirli  taki-s  liini  lliniuijli  liciivi-n, 
I'mrittHnix  hiivi-  ro«-kiiiic>l. 

At    l\Vli    liflV    S4-\C|I 

Full  inili-s  t>>  tin-  -co.nd  ! 
•ItlHt  imagine  liitn  fix/in^ 
I  whi/./ing  ; 

A-  !,.•  I. 

I-  a  mam  of  tw-flvf  hiuulnol  ami  iii.n.-  lim.--  tli,- 
In  an  «-a«.-r  t-ii'li-.i\i.iir 
Id-  ila*liii>  fnr  I-MT 
•Mill  mi  j»i—  ilil.-  «.|.j<-.-t  Inn  fun. 

K«>r  in  vain  i>  th,-  j,.uv  of  this  inuiiarcli  .if 
VVIi.i  bu  bant  throogh  thr  httra 
That  impedrd  his  force  : 
In  the  ycara  that  have  gone 
II.-  II.T*  hiinjly  put  on 

lUf  an  inrh  to  th.-  -.  i-iM.  |-,,^ih  ..f  IHH  ooune. 

to  fly  and  get  on  n  no  cn<l  of  a  tpune, 
But  to  fly  without  moving,  to  stay  in  the  same 


\Vlial  a  (ilain-l  \villi  any 
Fnr  Ilimnelf  ami  tin'  faim- 
<  'I  his  nanif 

Wlllllll    M'llH't. 

For  if  1'nn.KMY  saw  him  ti>-ilay 

II.'   W.llllil 

"  Vim  're  a  run  away  star, 

Hut  yon  haven't  ^nl  far, 

Ami,  forgive  tlic  remark,  you  were  just  where  \.iu  are 
\\lien  I  ^aw  you  Borne  thousands  <  ai;... 

Fur  a  star  of  your  jwirtK  you  're  eonfoinnleilly  slow." 


\\'liat   the  ilenre 
Is  (lie  use 
I  If  tins  fever  anil  ' 

II  Art-turns  is  .still  so  ahsiirilly  like  n~  ; 
If,  in  spit,,  of  his  chanoee, 
He  never  ailvane. 

It  lie  lueaks  all  the  ni'onls  for  s<-urry  ami  : 
Bui  with  all  his  iiMj.atiemv  remains  where  he  i-  ? 


s] 


Ami  yet  he  is  \\hirle.l 

In  .1 

With  himself  at  a  |u.-e 
Which  takes  him  through  heaven, 
Pro£es«)rs  h.i\e  ri->-k.'iieil, 

A»    '  ••veil 

Full  mile-,  to  the  r.evniul  ' 


A    Novel    Pose. 
"I.I'.  3        '   U1Y. 

i't.  "i  iin   I>I\I«.N  ('..i  MI  Goon 


ITXCII.   oi;    TIIK    l.o\|>o\    niAIMYAKI.  -MAY  8,  l'.'"7. 


A  WAEY  BIKD. 


PEACE.  "WON'T  YOU  LET  ME  TRIM  YOUR  CLAWS?" 
GEK.MAN-  EAGLE.  "THANKS!     I  PREFER  THEM  LONG!" 


.MAY  8,  1907.] 


rrxcH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAUIVAIM. 


337 


Black  Rod  with  a  start  found  himself 
confronted  liy  a  stern  countenance 
framed  in  old  oak. 

"  Who  is  it?  "  demanded  KlisKINE  OF 
(  'AI:I>KOSS. 

"  Me,"  replied  I '.lack  Rod  meekly. 

"  What  do  you  want  ?  " 

"I  have  brought  a  message  from  the 
Lords." 

"Oh!"  said  the  Serjeant-at-Arms. 
After  quick  survey  of  Lobby  perceiving 
no  sign  of  predatory  Young  \\KSIYSS,  he 
opened  the  d<x>r,  and  Black  Hod,  duly 
announced,  entered. 

Turned  out  that  he  had  merely  come 
on  ordinary  mission  to  bid  the  Commons 
attend  in  other  House  to  hear  assent 
given  by  Hoyal  Commission  to  various 
Bills.  But  the  dramatic  scene  at  the 
door,  here  faithfully  described,  lifts  the 
curtain  from  the  placid  appearance  of 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FIHI.M  tin:  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

lion.*,-  of  I'otnmonn,  Monday,  .\/iril  l".l. 
— Much  talk  bu//.ing  about  relations 

between  Lords  and  Commons.    Evidently 

time  close  at  hand  when  lile-and-death 
struggle  will  begin.  Meanwhile  little 
incident  happening  this  afternoon  vividly 
illustrates  condition  of  affairs. 

Questions  going  forward  in  ordinary 
course.  Some  stir  in  Lobby.  Serjeant- 
at-Arms,  on  guard  by  the  Bar,  turned 
round  intently  listening.  Suddenlv 
whipped  out  of  chair,  hanger  by  his  side. 
and  made  for  dixir  opening  on  Central 
Ixibby.  Shrewd  suspicion  was  justified. 
Stealthily  passing  adown  the  corridor 
from  the  House  of  Lords  came  Black 
Rod,  carrying  in  right  hand  the  symbol 
of  his  office.  Was  evidently 
marching  on  House  of  Com- 
mons. 

As  at  a  critical  epoch  in 
his  life  GRAXIWLPH  "  forgot 
OosciiKx,"  so  IHack  Rod  forgot 
Serjeant-at-Arms.  Alone  he 
stixid  by  the  wide-open  heavy 
oak  door.  At  the  moment  only 
Black  Hod  in  view,  swiftly 
approaching  like  a  thunder- 
cloud over  a  speckless  sky.  But 
who  should  say  that  behind 
him,  possibly  approaching  by 
another  doorway,  there,  was 
not  moving  a  column  led  by 
the  reckless  Young  WKMYSS 
resolved  to  make  an  end  of 
the  House  of  Commons  before 
C.-B.  had  given  final  touches 
to  his  Bill  making  an  end  of 
the  Lords  ? 

The  flashing  eye  of  ERSKINE  V0llr  "';'"', 
OF  CARIIKOSS, glint  ing  round  the  Irelantl  • 
Lobbv,  took  all  in  at  a  glance.       M.r- ,J-'IH  «-''"'-»'*•  " Ah  •  tllat  '«  precisely  your  offence. 

,      i    ,r  rented  an  alternative  to  us,  no  vou  had  to  go  ! 

In  a  moment  he  had  flung-to 

the  open  door  and,  with  one  sweep  of 
his  right  arm,  barred  it. 

The  Commons  were  saved. 

What  Admiral  Sir  HUSKY  STI:IMII:NSO\ 
said,when,continuinghismarch,heahnost 
knocked  his  nose  against  the  suddenly 
closed  door,  was  uttered  under  his  breath. 
Perhaps,  since  he  has  been  to  sea  a  good 
deal,  it  was  just  as  well.  Looking  the 
door  up  and  down,  finding  it  impossible 
to  scale,  equally  hopeless  to  batter  di  >u  11. 
he  humbly  knocked.  Perhaps,  if  the 
door  were  unbarred,  opened  ever  so 
little,  he  might  get  his  foot  inside,  put 
his  shoulder  to  the  wood,  and  hold  his 
own  till  Young  WKMYSS  and  his  men 
should  swooji  down  and  take  ]>os>t'— i<>n 
of  the  place. 


KVKTED. 


llis  errand  accomplished,  he  jauntily 
went  astern,  pulling  up  somewhere 
about  the  spot  where  on  deck  a  windlass 
might  stand,  and  ran  half  a  cable's 
length  to  starboard  so  as  to  make  way 
for  the  Si'KAKKH  leading  the  procession 
to  the  House  of  Lords. 

The  I'IIKMIKU  not  yet  having  arrived, 
WINSTON  and  Joiix  liriixs  fell  in  behind 
the  SPEAKER  as  representing  His  Majesty's 
Government. 

"Happy  Ministry!"  exclaimed  the 
MKMIIEK  FOR  SARK.  "  They  have  every 
advantage,  including  apt  alliteration's 
artful  aid  -Blenheim  and  Battereea." 

]}i<*iness  done.  —  Second  reading  of 
Scottish  Small  Holdings  Bill  moved. 

]I»n»e  of  Lords,  Tuesday.  —  A  subtle 
sartorial  distinction  marks  COURTNEY'S 
return  to  the  Parliamentary  stage  by  the 
Peers'  entrance.  Whilst  still  with  us  in 
the  Commons,  he  was  accus- 
tomed to  add  a  welcome  touch 
of  colour  to  the  gloom  below 
the  Gangway  by  wearing  a 
waistcoat  whose  almost  aggres- 
sive shade  of  buff  was  not 
elsewhere  seen  on  land  or  sea. 
On  birthdays  and  other  festive 
occasions  he  added  a  blue  coat 
with  brass  buttons,  an  arrange- 
ment that  gratified  literary 
taste  by  recalling  the  buff  and 
blue  of  The  Edinburgh  Iteview. 
This  evening,  moving  the 
second  reading  of  a  Bill  de- 
signed to  give  the  system  of 
proportional  representation  a 
start  in  the  field  of  municipal 
elections,  he  was  content  to 
display  a  waistcoat  much  less 
lurid  in  hue  than  what  seemed 


•sir  ll-r-cc  Pl-nk-tt.  "Well,  Mr.  R-dm-nd,  you  and  D-ll-n  have  had   appropriate 
.,_  1      You've  got  rid  of  me,  though  I  was  a  good  friend  to 


whilst     he 
Radicals 


n 


sat 
the 


You  repre- 


things  at  Westminster,  and  for  a  moment 
reveals  actuality. 

Having  once  gained  admission,  Black 
Rod  succeeded  in  putting  everybody, 
especially  himself,  at  perfect  ease. 
Memories  linger  round  the  Chair  of  one 
of  his  predecessors  in  office  who,  arriving 
at  the  Table  and  proposing  to  deliver 
his  formal  message,  was  struck  dumb. 
Nothing  of  that  sort  the  matter  with 
Admiral  STEPHENSON.  He  walked  up  the 
floor  with  slightly  rolling  gait  as  if  he 
trod  the  familiar  quarterdeck.  Arrived 
at  the  Table,  he  claimed  attention  of 
House  by  slightly  raising  the  gold-tipped 
black  rod  held  in  his  right  hand,  and  in 
unfaltering  tone  delivered  his  message. 
By  way  of  illustrating  the  universality 


Again  he  forgot  EKSKIXK  OF  CVKDUOSS.   of  its  application,  lie,  as  he  proceeded, 
Must  get  up  very  early  in  the  morning    with  courteous  motion  of  his  head,  alter- 
nately lient  towards  the  Treasury  Bench 
pressed    a   and  that  on  which  the  Opposition  Leaders 


to  catch  tlnil  weasel  asleep. 
The     Serjeant  -  at  -  A  rms 


spring.     A    secret  panel  slid  back,  and   were  seated. 


among    the 

Commons. 
The  MEMBER  FOR  SARK  thinks 

it  is  our  old  acquaintance 
that  has  inevitably  suffered  modification 
of  high  colouring  in  the  process  of  con- 
tinuous washing.  I  prefer  to  find  in  tin- 
change  a  graceful  adaptation  to  circum- 
stances natural  in  a  highly  cultured 
mind.  In  conjunction  with  an  admir- 
ably reasoned  speech,  delivered  without 
the  assistance  of  a  note  of  manuscript,  it 
won  over  the  Lords,  who  gave  the  Bill 
a  second  reading  and  referred  it  to  a 
Select  Committee. 

Business  done.  —  After  two  nights' 
debate  exclusively  by  Scottish  Members, 
Commons  read  Scotch  Small  Holdings 
Bill  a  second  time,  and  sent  it  on  to 
Grand  Scotch  Committee.  This,  as  Mr. 
KKIUIY  truly  says,  is  "  opening  the  door 
to  the  thin  end  of  the  wedge  of  Home 

Rule." 

House  of  Commons,  Friday. — "  I  have 
always  recognised  in  Sir  HORACE  PLUN- 
KETT  one  of  the  most  formidable  Unionist 
statesmen  who  has  ever  been  in  Ireland. 


ITM'H.    MK    THK    l,i>NI>nN    «  IIAKIVAKI. 


1-.I07. 


His  aim  is  to  undermine  ami  dolroy  tin- 
Nati 

Thus  Joiiv  PIIJON  in  ili-kite  the 
iHlu-r  day  on  the  proposal  to  retire  thr 

Vtoe-Preaidenl    of    tli«-  Ivpartment    of 

Agrirultiin-  in  ln-l.in«l.  It  w.i>  n..| 
designed  M  »  personal  tribute  (..high 
capacity  and  true  patriotism. 
thebw  as  such  it  stands.  Not  -in.-,- 
the  Irish  question  developed  have  truer 
word*  been  spoken.  Successive  Brm-h 
Ministries  have  tried  their  hand  at 
repressing  the  political  agitator.  whether 
earning  a  weekly  wage  at  w.*tmin.ster. 
<>r  keeping  the  peasantry  and  the  town 
I-  pul.it i- -n-  up  to  tin-  mark  at  home 
With  their  regiments  of  soldiers,  llioir 
battalions  of  con-tabulary,  tlu-ir  absolute 
command  over  the  public  purse,  none 
of  tin-ill  hati  dune  such  effective  service 
as  HORACE  Pu  SKETT. 

An  Irishman  born  nml  bred,  with 
intimate  knowledge  of  the  necessities 
of  his  country,  keenest  sympathy  with 
the  sorely  handicapped  farmer,  In- 
perceived  that  what  was  needed  was 
the  establishment  of  a  system  of  co- 
operation which  should  find  market* 
for  the  produce  of  small  holdings.  To 
that  work  he  has  for  twenty  years  given 
up  his  life.  Thirteen  years  ago,  he 
founded  the  Irish  Agricultural  Organisa- 
tion Society,  whose  work  proved  so 
beneficent  thxt  after  closely  watching  it 
for  five  years  PRISCE  AanirR,  who  knows 
Ireland  thoroughly,  resolved  to  create  a 
new  State  Department  to  take  over  the 
work. 

HOUCE  PUSKETT  was  placed  at  its 
head  with  a  salary  of  £1500  a  year. 
Not  a  penny  has  found  its  way  into 
his  private  pouch.  It  has  been  freely 
given  to  the  furtherance  of  a  national 
object  that  lies  at  his  heart.  A  danger- 
ous man  this.  A  little  more  and 
OTimjo's  occupation  will  be  gone. 
So  RZDNOXD  aine  and  his  friends 
persistently  clamoured  for  the  dismissal 
of  HORACE  PLCXKETT,  a  demand  to  which 
the  strongest  Ministry  of  modern  times 
after  some  resistance  gallantly  yn-M-1. 
After  Whitsuntide,  the  Board  of  Agricul- 
ture in  Ireland  will  know  its  Founder 
no  more.  But  his  works  will  follow 
him. 

Ihuinrt*  done.— Intestate  Husband's 
EsUte  (Scotland)  and  other  epoch  making 
Bills  read  a  second  time. 


Riilway  Candour. 

"The  tin**  abovn  <m  uiin  Card  air  i.nlv 
iaHsdad  to  fix  the  time  More  which  the  Train* 
will  not  •tart." 

Or  course  it  seems  easy  enough  now, 
but  for  a  long  time  we  wondered  what 
the  tiroes  did  mean,  and  imagined  tli.it 
they  were  possibly  some  secret  code. 
Strange  that  this  solution  never  occurred 
tons. 


CRICKET    CHATTER. 


Ml  Mrilltix'K    t  Mi—IP. 

1  1  i-  .1  n-lief  sometime*  to  turn  from 
the  BO-called  t\r>t  das.-  cricket  at  lord's 
ami  thr  Oval  to  consideration  of  the 
-•.i,,.-  us  it  is  pl.iv.-d  in  tin-  clubs  ainl 
village*.  People  are  .ijit  to  forg.-t  that 
tin-  cluli  crickel.-r  of  todav  is  often  the 
county  cricketer  of  to  morrow,  ami  rin- 
Having  dealt  already  in  the-- 
columns  with  the  prospect-  for  the 
season  <>f  C.  1!.  Fin  and  Kent,  I  gladK 
now  (in  answer  to  many  im|uiries 
devote  some  of  my  valuable  .-pace  to  the 

lesser  de\otees  of  the  game. 


i:  TOVIMN-  i-  looking  forward  to 
another  excellent  -ea-"ii.  A-  11; 
my  readers  know.  Mr.  TOMKINS  has  a 
residential  <|ualilication  for  the  Upper 
Toiling  .'!rd  XI.,  lint,  like  the  sporl.-inan 
lie  is.  prefers  to  j>lay  for  the  dull  of  his 
birth,  vi/..,  Carshalton  Rovers  (D).  Mr. 
TONKINS  will  again  field  at  short  leg 
Kith  ends,  and  no  doulit  his  work  in 
this  |  -.-HI.  .M  will  be  as  valuable  as  ever. 
It  may  not  be  generally  known  that  he 
once  kept  wicket  for  the  Hovers,  and 
acted  as  an  excellent  medium  for  con- 
veying the  INI!  I  back  from  the  longstop 
to  the  bowler. 

The  Rovers  (D)  are  hoping  great 
tilings  from  Mr.  TONKIXS  with  the 
bat  this  season.  "HoUMi.  "  has  kept 
himself  in  good  form  during  the  winter 
with  The  .liiliili-r  7i<xiA-  <>/  <  ',-;,•/.-,•(,  ami 
now  has  PAI.URET'S  off  -drive  to  perfec- 
tion, while  friends  speak  highly  of  his 
"  HIRST  hooking  a  short-pitched  ball  to 
leg."  Mr.  TONKINS  will  again  (as  last 
season)  go  in  above  the  extra-. 

*  »          «          *          * 
Blackheath  (F)  are  touring  in  Sln-p 

herd's  Bush  during  Whitsun.  It  is  by 
thin  means,  rather  than  by  the  time- 
serving talk  of  politicians,  that  tin- 
distant  parts  of  our  Empire  arc  bound 
together. 

***** 
The  quarrel  U-twcen  the  Highbury 
Quidnuncs  and  Canonbury  <  >lympic  has 
IHI-II  settled  amicably.  It  arose,  our 
readers  will  rememl>cr,  owing  t»  tin- 
fact  that  Ht  the  end  of  List  HOilsoli  the 

Olympic  "approached"  the  Quidnuncs' 
fast  bowler,  and  induced  him  to  take 
up  his  residence  in  Canonbury.  &f  a 
re-nil,  the  Highbury  team  unanimously 
decided  that  tin-  (  llympie  should  not  lx- 
playi-d  this  season.  However,  it  lias 
now'  been  discovered  that,  owing  to  a 
strained  arm,  tin-  .-an--,  of  all  thi>  trouble 
has  lost  most  of  I  md  so  the 

match  will  take  pl.i,  .    |f  u-ual. 

•  *  *  *  * 
Village  cricket   generally   starts  cotn- 

j-anitively  late,  but  1  have  just   heard  a 


good  rej-irt  of  the  pronWCtoof  the  Ca-tle 
Muni]. brook  eleven.  To  U-giu  with,  the 
Ciimniitte<-  have  Ui-n  seri.ni-ly  consider- 
ing the  ijue-tion  of  the  ground  ;  and,  at 
ft  meeting  at  Ute  school-ADOM  la-t  Mon 

day,  it  was  decided  that  an  effort  should 
U-  made  to  keep  the  cou*  ,,ff  the  pitch 
on  the  morning  of  a  match,  particularly  if 
the  ground  «a-  at  all  soft.  All  amend- 
ment, however.  ua>  moved  and  carried 
b\  Farmer  Colin  t"  the  effect  that  this 
-IniiiM  not  apply  to  I  lie  three  \Vedi,- 
fixtures.  A  halfhearted  n  by 

the  Viear  that  no  cattle  should  ever  be 
allowed  on  tin-  pitch  at  all  wa-  ridiculed  ; 
and  on  the  Trea-un-r  |M,inting  out  that 
they  had  no  funds  for  the  purclia 
mowing  machine,  the  pro[x>s;il  was  with- 
drawn. The  Committee  In. |^- that  ' 

will  now  IN-  the  order  of  tin-  day. 
***** 

Tin-  i*- rn  HI  in  I  of  the  team  has  under- 
gone one  or  two  change-  -inee  la-t  \ear 
In  the  tirsl  place,  the  Member  ha-  -in 
ceeded  in  getting  Mr.  SM-M.I  Hi  MOV  to 
give  the  district  another  delivery  of 
letter-.  This  means  that  the  ]o-tman 
will  not  IN- able  to  turn  out  again,  and 
as  he  is  one  of  tin- -teadie-t  bat- on  tin- 
side,  the  whole  village  is  indignant,  and 
will  vote  Tory  to  a  man  at  the  m-xt 
election.  Then  the  wicket  keeper,  who 
has  been  hit  on  tin-  head  often  enough 
without  injury,  received  a  ball  on  the 
knee-cap  at  practice  the  other  night,  and 
will  not  IM-  able  to  play  again.  I  have 
authority  to  say  that  he  really  is  disabled, 
and  that  the  fact  that  the  Vicar,  who 
captains  the  team,  ha-  bi-en  -ending  to 
tin-  neighlxmring  town  for  his  meat  has 
nothing  whatever  to  do  with  it.  To 
crown  all.  the  IM--I  Uiwler  has  had  his 
licence  taken  away,  and  is  moving  to 
tin-  next  village. 

***** 

Then1  are,  however,  eom]>cn-ation-. 
The  doctor's  son  has  jn-t  been  sent  down 
from  Cambridge  ;  and  old  <!i"i:<.i.  who 
(in  the  first  match  last  season)  caught  his 
foot  in  a  hole  while  trying  a  short  run, 
and  broke  his  leg,  is  now  well  again. 
Moreover,  (iioin.i.'s  grandson  is  back 
from  sea,  and  is  sure  to  pp.-.e  an 
acquisition. 

***** 

In-turning  to  tir.-t  da--  cricket.  I  am 
in  a  position  to  slate  that  Mr.  I'lKiv.  \V. 
Sill  IIVH  I  I  .  the  Captain  of  the  Smth 
Africans,  is  known  to  his  friends  and 
comrades  as  "  IYi:i  ^  "  not  "  IYi:i 
erroneously  stated  in  a  conlem|ntrary. 


Tin-  I'tiili/  7'<7.-:/ru/./i  refern-d  to  Mr. 
SVMII.V.  the  other  day  a-  lx-ing  "-up 
1« >rted  by  a  company  not  one  (if  whom 

ut   of   the   cradle     most    not 
in   it     half  n  century   ago,"  nml    it   is 
supposed  that   parts  at  any  rate  of  the 
'  sentence  are  correct. 


MAY  8,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


339 


ROYAL    ACADEMY    PICTURES-RE-VARNISHED. 


II  \VH 


TIIK    I.MNI»»N 


UTlllAllY 
Br  Os»:  w 

•K    til."    till.'.    7V    I"  l;,,!.    Ml       il 

U      llMfll..'      as     l'i 
M»  in  Haiti  reo-niK  i"  have  railed 
l.iin  in  convrreaUon  with  a  friend     ha* 

ii  n  nov<4  win.  I.  i«-ll-  i 
twoaunli  walking  k>  eU-niily  on  different 
K.i.l    tlii-  n«uU  Uvn   tin-  nine, 
Mr     Kn.nn:    would    not.   In-    lias   l  »li  I    a 

M-ltt.MI     till-     l«»k.        They 

-Iv  11.4  |Ktr.dlel  nods,  «>r  they 
•  •.•nil!   in.!    Uilh   reach  tin-  name  spot,  a- 
11  was  at  some  pains  to  point  mil. 

The  I--!  H..VI-I  '•(  the  i  lay  ha*  l«i-n 
l.y  so  many  different  publishers. 
aii.l  '»*  by  80  many  different  authors. 
that  it  in  not  ea»y  t"  name  it  in  a  para 
graph  ;  lull  ymi  nuiy  U-  confident  that 
-ts.  ami  a  |«wt«-anl  to  any  firm  will 
provide  you  with  title  ami  priiv. 

Mr.  <;  1.  .Uxsor.  tin-  well  -known 
/JttiVy.Voi/crk-kcter,  having  Im-n  sclivtcd 
by  a  weekly  paper  aa  it*  judge  of  pri/.e 
competition  verses,  Mr.  Wui-lMsi.A 
meditate  qualifying  to  play  for  some 
congenial  county. 

Mr.   THOMAS   WKIOHT.    of    Olney,   an 
author  well  known  for  bin  rvtiivncc  ami 
standards    of    ta-te.    has    nearly 
compleUil  two  lives,  each  in  two  volume-. 
000  of  ZlMMERMANS   (who  wrote  on   soli- 
nmi     thi-   otlit-r    of    St.    SIMKON 
SnuTEd.     Both  books  will  !»•  copiously 
illustrated  with  snap-shots.  Ac.,  &c. 

It  is  not  triu-  that  The  Dnihi  Vmi.i-'* 
literary  supplement  will  U-  nliii-d  l>y 
I"rof.  CHIKIOV  C..M  i\-. 

(\TfM  things  are  exp«'tf<l  of  a  m-w 
firni  of  pulili.-liiTs  who  pnnnis<»  some 
iingly  novi-1  pnlilii-:iti<'ii>.  iiu-luilinK 
-luUiiik,'  n-printM  of  lit  -us.  n  aeries  of 
«i\l«-nny  novek  by  prent  writorw.  sm-h  as 
DK-KEXS  and  JA\E  At  snix,  ami  a  nc\\ 
atory  by  Mr.  I.i 

According  to  the  Man  of  Ki-nt  in  Tin- 
H>-iti*h  Wrfkly  Mr.  Swivw  HNK'S  birthday 
was  a  great  succew,  an.l  will  IN-  rofteated 

The  giftetl   author  of  '/'/,.    //.,»«•  o/ 
(Juirt  (by  which  his  publishing  1. 
n«  imnintl.  The  l'}J.m   htl,,-<.  Th.  <  ;,,l, 
of  Itralh,  an<l   olli.  r  '    |<r.  .fminil 

•  :  .   MMM    i-  ju-^  |  'ii'iut:  •    •    finisl 


c.  iVK.NT    KINDERGARTEN. 

Ill  Il\>    MY     \M>    Koli     Mil.    Vol  \... 
I  l\    'llinl-.l.iv    tli<-    i-oliili.tt.int-    ill    lln- 

took  a  night  off ,  and  tin- amlii-m-.- 

.lul-.-'l  "itli   a  juvi-nili-   i-ni' 
A    i,,..|.  mti     II    Dae     tixiii^     ii- 
-i.  li.-ii-m-il  with   lol.T.inl 
•omli-^vnsion   to  a   tliinlv  oicbestrated 
rill.-  thrown  off  l.y  MO/.MII  whi-n  hi-  \\^i- 
n-l    ,t    ilo/.-u    yi-.ir-    I'M    ;in.|    km-w    no 
it-tti-r.      It     x-rxi-il     al     l>-a-t    to    i-orn-i-t 
In-    t-rroiiiini-    impn-ssioii     that     infant 
mdli^'ii-s    IIMVI-    only    r.x-i-ntly   IM^-II    in 
.•MI.. I.      In    ll>iKlicit    inn!  Ittiflii-nin-  mn- 
ii«  i-hilillik.     ta-l.-  for  iiH-linly  ami 
nagu-  which  Mo/. MIT.  who  m-vi-r  l"-l  his 
i.«ilh,  was  toih-vi-lop  in  lati-r  years 

vhon  the  ZSauberaackpfeire  of ''»/" 

r.-|ilac.sl  liy  tin-  /.niilx-rll  na^rii- 

'ollow.il   in    Mi  Mi-nii'iMV-   Il'iiifl  inul 
.  ami  it    is  jM-rhaj-s  a  pity  that  tin- 
should   not    have  arranj;i-<l 


to  thru-  iNi.k-  in  the  -an,.- 
entitl.il     respective!;.     Kiijlit;/    ill     1 

The  Bottom  of  r/"-  <  •<  tin 

Button. 

Tlie  next   numl»-r  of   t'l<i*mnn 

will .    i. '.i  i  ii  an  anonymous  art 
subject  of  public  inteTHt. 


1  1 


H 


nin»our.-<l    that    C.ermany 
bwarty    siipp«.rt    to   the   1..,^.... 
e  i.nl'v  ..n  ii'iiditi  'ii    th. 
ihm-iit 


T«.i  vi-rv  fin.-  cliil.lri-n  .  HUn*tl  and  Crrtrl. 

i  IK-UIT  contr.ist.     A    little  of   tin-   ^ili 

iki-n  from  this  delightful  study  in 

gingerbread   bytheobviOUJ   maturity  of 

tin-  cliildren   in  the  title-role.      Kriinleln 

HKMI-I  •  li'l.    had    the  air  of   an 

adult     and    colossal    /nxi/n'c,    and     tlie 

Iliintrl    of     Friinlein    KIKIUCKII,    thonxh 

hi-     f.ic.-    was    fairly    Imyish.    w:. 

Iniilt,   for  the   i.--i.  mi   strictly  youthful 

Hut     tli.  of     heart     and 

\\hidi       they      drought      to     the 

interpn-tatioii   of    the   !.<-<  in;itmu    iiinsir 

amends    fur  physii-al    impTobabili 

lien.       The     ileh.-ai-\      of     III  MI-l.HI.IVK'- 

work     i-iisily    survi\iil    the     strain    put 

iijN.ii  ii  I  iy  the  di-pr..|«.rii'.n:it'-  n.. 

neaa  of  its  Betting;    I.  I    tin 

-itu.tii.iiis   -nffer   from    iM-in^'    too    long- 

:••!  l.ii-inrss  and  tin 

prehiniM.il  v    devilments    of    the    witch 

pl.i\.-d  l.v   l-'i.ni  ItriM  willi  a  line  r.'lli 

y.i  it     and     a     \..j..'     that     cracked     MT\ 

plentMUiil.      mi^ht    well    lia\c   IH-.-II   cur 

laile«l.    llerr  X\I"H.  who  was  I  lie  wi/ard  n 

ii  -ii  lisc'unentlv 


/•  in  //.in*.-/  inn!  Ili-fli-l.  t.«.k 
i-  firm  an  attilnde  a^ani-t  s..rccry  a- 
ii-  drunken  condition  could  ctniimand. 

IN. ill  hi-  parts  with  an  admiral. I.- 
li-.-iiiniiiati..n.  l'ili'i\\i\  the  wa> 

l>     man    in    the    .  i  r    the 

I tfininiii  and  the  Stmdman  wen-  U-th 
adie-.  the  latter  wcariiiK  a  full  white 
M-ard  ;  and  ihoiiyh  I  am  not  -nre  almut 

the     cuckoo  clock      ii 
.no.  t ).  S. 

DANGEROUS   M.i  'l,\l:.\TI«  • 

i  B-n.x  addeil  ilni  I..-  - 

al.lr   :i|.|«-iii.-l    In    U-    ipiili-    :ii;r 

t.-.|   l»'f..i.-  ..i   :I(|IT  ticariiiK 
v.nir   I.  Uriliir 

Mr     l'i  vi-.i  i  i 

'  I'n.l'alily  iifli-r.'  .  .  .      !l  • 
.   I     ll,.-     i.i-<-  "      \\'r*tmi>ii-' 
ril  -' 

WMI.S  II  MI.  is  hurrying  to  the  train 
\nd  tells  tin-  jHirter  "  I  am  I 'MM  '  ' 
I'ears  from  ihe  porter  flow  like  rain. 

When  \Vn  i  i  VM.  entering  a  p. 
['nconscioiisly  remark-  "  I.I    ',>!  II  \." 
Vicars  turn  pink  and  verier-  Klne. 

When  \i\\\is  is  dining  at  I  he  Kit/. 
\nd  innrinurs  to  himself  "  Tit  Hit-. 
I'lie  waiters  an<l  the  rln-f  have  lit-. 

When  l.l  K  dii-line-  hi-  d.-M.-r  lid. 
And  tells  the  inspector  "  1  am  Si|.," 
I'he  l.ns  at  once  begtni  I"  skid. 

When  Ih.Mrt  Aitim  n  whisper-  ".I. 
To  chi-cr  a  jiaupi-r  breaking  si 

I'lie  pauper  i;cner.ill\ 

When  ( iioi:..i  .  in-ideatraiiiclo-e  packed. 

die-  "  Ai  i.\  \\HK.II  !  "  it  's  a  fact 

They  have  to  read  the  liiot   Act. 

When  I'liiiSMit'.  ordering  sea-kale. 

-\i\-  "G.B.8        '        roccn  .juail 

And  grow  unnaturally  pale. 

When  I'MIKKI:  haunts  the  XIHI.  ami  when 

He  tells  the  keeper-  "  l>'l  I-    v 
They  shelter  in  the  lions'  den. 

When  l.'n  IIM.-I.S..X  a  \i-il  | 

And    a-ked    "What    name?"    hi-    name 

iN-trav  -. 
Sloiit  hullers  faint  from  -h.-er  ama/e. 

When  111  ]'\  M:I>  liuv  -  a  mutton  ch..p. 
And  adds.  "  I  'm  Kll'lisi:."  hutcher-  ll..|.. 
And  panic  decimates  the  shop. 

When    \MlloM   -alules  the  I' 
With  the  aniionncemenl  "  I  am  !!• 
The  staid. •-!   Cardinal-  elope. 

When  Hn  l:l».|lM,  crossing  o'er  the 
Inform-  a  simple  tar  "  I  'm  Tin  i . " 
ll  gi\e-  the  simple  lar  I '.  T. 

When  Sn  v-  I.,  the  KIM.  -a\-      Id  <  KIM;," 
The  ii.iisi.i|ui  in  .  -hocking. 

Four  continent  m-king. 


The   Journalistic    Touch. 

,      ,i- " 

1 1,1 : 1 II  I'dtl 


MAY  8,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


311 


CHARIVARIA. 

"GERMANY  is  forging  ahead,"  says 
Mrs.  A  i.r:<  •  T  \vEEniE  in  '  'liamberx'  Journal. 
Tin'  imitation  of  British  trade-marks  by 
German  merchants  is  indeed  a  great  evil 

which  cannot  be  pointed  out  too  often. 

*  * 

The  Hon.  THOMAS  BENT,  Premier  of 
Victoria,  is,  \vo  are  told,  known  in 
Australia  as  "The  Singing  Premier.' 
We  are  afraid,  however,  that,  if  he 
wants  Preference,  he  will  have  to 
whistle  for  it.  ^  + 

* 

It  was  feared  at  one  time  that  H.M.S. 
InJeftitiijabli-  would  arrive  too  late  to 
quell  the  disturbances  at  St.  Lucia, 
but  fortunately  the  rioting  continued 

until  she  turned  up. 

*  * 

* 

TheAdmiralty  arc  taking  great  pains  to 
keep  all  details  relating  to  the  new  Royal 
Yacht  a  secret.  It  will  be  remembered 
that  our  rivals  learned  what  to  avoid 

from  studying  her  predecessor. 

*  * 

An  improved  type  of  collision  mat  it. 
shortly  to  be  issued  to  the  Fleet.  \Ve 
are  afraid  that  there  will  be  no  difficulty 
in  finding  opportunities  to  test  the  new 
appliance. 

* 

The  categorical  statement  that  the 
LORD  CiiAMiiERLAiv  was  responsible  for 
the  ban  on  The  Mikado  disposes  of  the 
rumour  that  the  treaty  between  Great 
Britain  and  Japan  contained  several 

clauses  on  the  subject. 

*  * 

Archdeacon  COLLEY  has  won  his  case, 
and  Mr.  MASKELYNE  is  said  to  be  sorry 
lie  spook.  ^  ^ 

* 

Also  it  is  considered  unlikely  that  the 
ARCHDEACON  will  ever  touch  spirits  again. 

* 

At  the  Entrance  Examination  for  the 
Academy  of  Dramatic  Art  held  last  week 
nearly  fifty  per  cent,  of  the  candidates 
were  rejected.  It  is  thought  that  most 

of  these  will  become  dramatic  critics. 

*  * 

Sir  CHARLES  HOLROYD  has  been  re- 
arranging the  pictures  at  the  National 
Gallery,  and  there  he  has  the  advantage 
of  the  President  of  the  Royal  Academy. 
Sir  CHARLES  has  not  received  a  single 
complaint  from  the  painters  whose  works 
he  has  skied. 


"Gir.iiox,"  says  a  contemporary,  " 
like  a  tremendous  monument:  he  nevei 
comesdownf rom  his  pedestal  except  in  tin 
biting  humour  of  his  foot-notes."  Tin 
tragedy  of  our  London  statues  is  worse 
still :  they  never  in  any  circumstances 

come  down  from  their  pedestals. 
*  * 

Professor  SYLVANUS  THOMPSON  declares 


First  Iliusiiifss  Man  (xeatetl).  "  AWFULLY  SORRY  I  COULDN'T  DIXE  WITH   YOU   LAST  NIGHT,  OLD 

MAX,   BUT  I   WAS   AWAY   Foil  THE   WEEK-END.      ONLY  CAME      BACK  THI8    MORNINU.      'BLIOED  TO    HO   IT 
THESE   STRENUOUS  TIMES." 

Second  B.  U.  "  YES,  I  KNOW.     WELL,  LOOK  HEBE,  COME  TO-NIGHT." 
First  li.  M.  "  CAN'T,  OLD  MAN.    OOIN'  AWAY  FOR  THE  WEEK-END  AGAIN  !  " 


that  an  umbrella  of  modern  make  held 
outside  the  shop  window  of  an  optician 
will  cause  the  needle  of  a  compass  to 
move.  We  have  long  noticed  the 
magnetic  attraction  one's  best  umbrella 
possesses,  even  for  persons  other  than 
the  owner. 


*  * 

* 


By  some  curious  weather  freak 
Cheltenham  was  plunged  into  utter 
darkness  for  half  an  hour  one  afternoon 
List  week  :  and  when  light  broke  again 
it  was  found  that  a  number  of  domestic 
fowls  were  peacefully  roosting  on  their 
perches  under  the  impression  that  night 
had  fallen.  The  language  of  the  birds 
on  discovering  that  they  had  been  duped 
is  said  to  have  been  very  bitter. 

Since  Dr,  CUFFOED  arrived  in  Geneva, 
says  The  British  Weekly,  there  have 


been  three  avalanches  and  an  earth- 
quake. It  is  hoped  that  Mr.  M'KESNA 
will  make  provision  against  this  kind  of 
contingency  in  any  future  legislation  for 

the  relief  of  Passive  llesisters. 
*  * 

If  the  Government  is  strong  it  is  also 
humane.  It  has  decided  that  the  House 
of  Lords  shall  not  be  abolished  until 
after  Whitsuntide,  so  that  the  Peers 
may  enjoy  their  holidays  at  Margate, 
Yarmouth,  Blackpool,  and  elsewhere. 
The  Peers,  it  is  rumoured,  are  what 
our  French  friends  would  call  "  profon- 
dement  touches "  by  this  unexpected 


concession. 


*  * 


Exception  is  being  taken  in  certain 
quarters  to  "  Living  Statues,"  and  a 
demand  lias  been  made  that  the  SELDOMS 
shall  become  the  NEYERS. 


BOOKING-OFFICE. 
f  of  Leomtd  On 

:     >  •  ,   M  wut)  is  by  HoE*cm  AmnBun 
,    Ii1,,    i1    -       ItaiJnif  and   /(>•!•/•/•'   ;irv 

.,  .',i  ,!      .       |'t  h\  tin 

;,f 


I 


OUR 

-.<*'• 

TV  l'» 

VATHKU,  and  it  sti» 
twins,  and  yon  simply  can 

rlothi  iy  /M/Jin- 

. 

is  alt  i 

(Vii;«*   by  /*i/i/i>i<-,  whom  he 

rights-  ^  then  resume  their  original  part-,  with 

the  IWult    thai  .lifJmr  fall-  in    l--ve  with    /'.I/'/IIM'  un-ler   the 

.     .  .    ,    .'.  ..        •  •-•  .,ni  rted  hi   . 

but  who  n-ally  "l'.f't-  il1"1  rh'l"  f;llls  '." 


.(    «•/,   . 

iu>  beusres  i<>  IN- 


I. 


t-.   1-    /!/•;,/;/-'        Ml 


lore  with  Hri.lyft  un-l.-r  the  imprewion,  <X<  only 


looking    out    for    liirthday    pi' 

-h-iuld   jol  down   in  their   ]«-cket.l..ik-    Mr    PARTS    \\  ' 
litll--    volume    .YuMiiv    /.'..IIH./    I  If    //.".-       |y.M.M\v-         I 
for    very    yoiiiii;    nephews   and    i.  and 


M.'l   think,  after  the   f-iruuil    |.r.-.  nl.iii..n,  !«•   r-i-lniiii-'-l 
plili-Mi-ly    ;in-l     |.|.icc.|     in     pari'iilal     hami 
al..ii-l.      1 1  ir.Ml-.'f  Vi|H-n-l:i'.('ii,-iili-l:r.  MlWtelid*,  ColoOj 
Hyii.-  licidie.  Orlhuptera.  r.lattiihe.    lx'|.i.|..|- 

.mil   many  other  III-MI>I--I>.  l-ul    iin-l-T  Mr.  \Vn 
they   n«u  any  ^nckini;  dove,  an-l    the 

atuh-ir'.-'iiwii  excfllcnl  illustr.ilions  m.iki- >  lit-- 

of  them. 


•';.• 


A 


the  other  way  round 
.mil     llriiljrt,     howexer.     h.i-l 
fallen     in     I.-M-     with     Oiipn 
and    .Irt/iur    respectively    at 
tlie  firxt  go,  BO  they  change 

tmagltta  ai;.on          \ilhur  now 

-.>  t-i  Itriilijft,  whom  he 
imagine*  In   !»•  the  *:""'   that 
/MiVnir,    under 
i  !»•   impreasiun  that  she  was 
wl»oiii  he  was 
as    Ikiplnx-.   aud 


hock 

n    in 
way. 

ithi>r 
Thi- 


There  are  junctures  at  which  it  promiaee  to  approach  im- 


-.-•|ll-i\el'. 

I  with  the   hero'-  yr.in-l- 
inother,   ami    a-    -In-    ,i| 
only  twice  on  the  -ci-ne.  1. 

predominating  intl>. 
Mr.  HniMiM'.m11  •  with 

tin'  evident  intention  of  de- 
-criliing  daily  life  in  Ireland 
unconnected  with  (Mililics. 
lie  fails  in  the  endeavour, 
w-  arii  i-ler  with  arid 

wastes  that  lead  no  whither, 
finally  affronting  him  liy 
detailed  account  of  a  drunken 
orgie  ni-hed  into  liy 

commonpl 

with  a  five-jxiund  note  won 
at  a  horse-ra. 

W,.    A^l^}    ///.(/,.  THE...   DDCOLM,  the  anther 

..f    II,,,-     ,,,-     '/'•  1      .-lire 

whether    i:  : Me   to   in 

lere-t  the  reader  in  a  hen-ine 
who  is  a  victim  I 

Alxi  he  x-c-  that  if 
the  lady  had  remained  thin 
there  would  !  i  no 

worth      relating,     and 
frankly  admits  that  the 
li<ni    of    worth    hangs    in   the 
li.ilance.and  mii-t  l» 
at    the   end    of    th. 

tin-  end    approaches    he   IM-- 

e\.  n      1.  •      -.u.^iline. 
"  Ninety  -ti\c  peopl.'out 
ordinary  linndrc.1  would 
at    the  -lory  and   m-'.-t    it  with 
utter   disbelief."     i.'niti- 


fie  im.i^Mi.--   to  Ix'   the 
girl  that    1  is    Kri-l'jft 

im-ler   the   impraanon  .... 
At   this   point    I    ti 
to  the  prefa- 
that    the    l-ui4  WM 
I    hurl. 

and  picked  up  //••(• 
an-1  puhliMherasbf 

•I   to  be  a  stylish  niel" 
drania    with    a    IHT»    . 

l>,rk      like  all   Picks 
in    fu-ti<in     mine*   a   cn>j'|«T 
in   hid  love  affaire  ....  1-ut 
I  don't  f.^-l  e.|.ial  I- 
•notlier  plot       It    i- 
tn  my  that  the  Myle  in  rather 

iig;  l.ut  that  when  y..ii 
get  UMil  t<-  the  luiM'light  the 
Story  u  quite  in  ten-Ming. 

--rding  to  N  vr- 
BooxATAirrK  and  the  title-page 
Gutnanosfi 

novel)"  the wiml 'impow'ihh1'     

1*  found   only  in   tho  :'  'hat  a  hundred  would 

If  that   I*- true,  and  I  have  no  reason  be  nearer  the  mark  than  ninei>  ti\  --.     Elv  her  manner  of  living 
to  doubt  i  •  •"<«  (a«  the  Novel  is  called), 

which    i»    pul.li»hed    by    Mr.  J<«*    b'v:,  cannot   l»    th- 

one  th  ON  iiwant.  f--r   the  Mory  i-  all   w  possible 

lUnit  a 

i.    left   entirely  without   friends,    thai  he  was  on  hi,  way  home  from   India  two  year-  lie  fore  In- 
ifl.-r    all    .iii.l  wa-  dm-.  -In-  fell  that  -he  mii-l  K1''  rid  ' -f  her  Imrden  as  (jnieklv 

.•m  f.dl   !•  ~  m   I'!"'  />i--'i"ii'ii-i/    a-    |«~.-il,|,-       S,   •.)„.    i,,n-iilt.-.|    a    iin'li Ml    in    the    -lark 

nl-^i    f--r  a   few   hours,  and.  In-v    pre-lo.  h--r   "adi|x-i.   ti~-in-       Icll 

i  rv  more  from  her  like  a  garment.     Unfortunately  however,  a-  n  I--II. 

an-l   thi-  sh-'  di"-*   i|uit'  -inly.      I    it  t-«-k   the  living  form  of  a  slim  girl  of  eighteen,  the   ; 

l.lii«h   l->  -'.life**  that   arverai   times   I    ha\e   -|ete.t.il    m\s«-lf    U-th    in    U«ly   and   mind   of  what  she   had  In-en   at   tin-   time 
tuniint;  over  M  many  as  two  pages  at  .•:.  '•!>    of  her  marriage ;  and  when  (  ffrt/iune  arrived  he  found 

two  Mm.  liiilnniin  awaiting   him.      That    is   jM-rha, 


"  K\- 1  Hf.   MR,    *VT  AIE   V(-l     TIIK    Hill  T   BUD   («E   HEARS   80OH  A 

tor  or  TALC  AC. 


poor  Mr*.    Id-Ilium'    had  "  a«ked   for"    lle-h.    and    Ui-u 
several  8Hl»-r(lniMis  htones  of  it.      Hut.  thouyh  she  had  L 
she  was   far  fr  .....  happy.      For  in  order  l»  lind    favour  in   th-- 
eves  of  an  iniiin-i-lertte  hu^Kand.  who  -uildenly  \\ii 


I    that    Messr-. 
of  the  silli.  f  ill- 


v    I.V-.I.MVM    have    pntili-1.' 
-  centurv. 


Mu    I.",,   1 1)07. j 


rrxni,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAKIVARI. 


l-"n-i<i  Unemployed  (indieating  red  fid  British  U'ui7,m«»).  "TIIEHE'S  A  'AKIMVOHKIN'  ni.oKE  HIK  M.I:'." 
Serond  Unfmploynl .  "(JivE  'IM  A  CIIAWNST,  MATE.     MEBBE  'K'S  ONE  o'  TIIESK  'ERE  I.IVIN'  STATUES!" 


THE   PRACTICAL   (lAKPKNKK. 

II  /'///  ii/'nliHiit'H  in  lln-  li'jht  iliivrliini.) 

MAT. 

MAY,  ]iocnli:ir  in  being  tbe  fifth  niontli 
of  the  year,  is  said  to  have  derived  its 

name  In  nil  the  fascinating  uncertain!  y 
of  its  climate.  The  idea  is  to  lie  found 
even  more  beautifully  expressed  in  the 
enu|)let  : 


You  sliall  lie  (.IIIIVM  ..f  (lie  Mii,'lit  Have  Been, 
But  I  will  lie  Qnccu  nl  the  Miiy.'1 

Tins  is  tin-  month  when  the  renovated 
earth  appears  again  "in  its  peculiar 
honours  clad."  Hut  gardeners  should 
not  lie  misled  by  the  midday  radiance 
at  this  season  into  imagining  that  it 
will  be  equally  sunny  at  night;  and 
stocks,  especially  those  of  at  all  a 
Speculative  character,  should  be  carefully 
covered. 

May  is  the  time  when  the  garden 
displays  itself  decked  in  i'ts  gayest 
attire.  The  tall  and  shapely  I'audeliou, 
pride  of  many  a  rustic  lawn,  now  hursts 
into  bloiim,  and  the  I'aisy  and  the 
drooping  (  inmudsel.  beloved  of  feathered 
songsters,  open  their  more  delicate 
blossoms.  (In  the  warm  south  wall 
the  earliest  slug  is  already  busy  among 
the  Nectarines,  and  on  dewy  mornings 
the  llnte-like  trill  of  the  I  .awn-mower. 


a  little  rusty  after  its  long  winter  silence, 
brings  delight  to  all  who  overhear  it. 

Suburban  gardeners  should  now  l<x>k 
carefully  to  their  fountains,  fish-ponds, 
and  ornamental  waters  of  every  kind. 
Moss  is  apt  to  appear  between  the 
marble  pavements  of  steps  and  terraces, 
and  should  bo  rigorously  checked, 
though  the  practice,  common  in  many 
old  families,  of  deputing  the  least 
satisfactory  member  to  spud  it  up  with 
a  toasting-fork  is  not  one  that  commends 
itself  to  thoughtful  horticulturists,  who 
would  indeed  do  well  to  recollect  the 
pertinent  adage  about  a  rolling  stone. 
All  Orchid  houses  and  Pineries  should 
have  their  windows  opened  at  least 
once  a  day  to  ensure  adequate  ventila- 
tion ;  and  Mus-tard-and-(  Yess  lor  forcing, 
whether  in  soup-plates  or  empty  soap- 
boxes,  will  require  <o  be  kept  constantly 
moist. 

In  the  kitchen  garden  preparations 
by  now  are.  or  should  lie,  well  advanced. 
Many  of  the  seeds  purchased  through 
our  advertisement  columns  earlier  in 
the  year  will  already  have  revealed 
themselves  as  perfect  and  vigorous 
plants,  others  again  as  a  perfect  plant 
in  the  singular.  In  connection  with 
this  it  is  well  to  remark  about  the 
specimens  of  colour-printing  given  on 


the  outside  of  the  packets  that,  in  the 
words  of  the  celebrated  proprietor, 
almost  every  picture  tells  a  story. 
Karly  Peas  arc  now  forming  their  lines 
of  green,  the  single-file  arrangement  of 
this  vegetable  giving  rise  to  the  well- 
known  horticultural  maxim,  "Mind  your 
peas  and  queues."  On  the  Currant 
bushes  caterpillars  should  be  carefully 
thinned  out  to  leave  room  for  the 
expected  fruit,  and  C'ardoons  may  be 
treated  in  a  similar  manner.  If  you 
don't  know  what  a  Cardoon  is  you 
ought,  to. 

N.B.  Now  is  the  Ih-st  time  to  st.art 
a  gardening  book,  which  will  command 
a  ready  market  during  the  autumn 
publishing  season.  Hardly  any  plot 
at  all  is  necessary,  one  of  a  few  square 
yards  being  quite  sufficient  for  several 
attractive  volumes. 

Next  month  our  special  article  will  be 
"Worms,  by  One  of  Them." 

Till-:  llampstead  Parliament  is  not  tin- 
only  gathering  to  ape  the  way*  of  the 
I  lou-euf  Commons.  "Mr.T.<  !.  FoU.KUT," 
says  'Flic  Hi-ixlol  7'i  HIC*,  "  took  the  chair 
at  the  Clarence  Hotel  on  Wednesday 
evening,  at  the  iirst  of  a  scries  of  annual 
dinners  for  members  of  the  Blirnham 
Bawling  Club." 


VOL.    CXXXII. 


SM 

1M 

'Mil.    <i 

R  Tin: 

LOM>"N 

riiMMYARL 

•\hY     1 

07. 

"  Tl.Ir-tx-    uiv     f  it     \  ,  .1  IIIIH>*S    *'    (4:11(1    1 

CHILDE  BIRRELL  TO  THE  DARK  TOWER  CAME. 

diu-horn  to  my  lim  I  tfi 

—  •-  •  »i 

ark  Ti 


;  da*  o(  ml  life  ran*  throogh  the  pUce  (Dnbltn  CwUe).    The 
M  ewrrot  of  Iri.li  life  u  it  nnh««  put  it*  w«!U  IMM  by  aloKMt 

BhT  --•-•  -      V-    ;.--.:;.  inlrwJuriw;  hu  /ri«A  Coimetf  BiU.J 


GUM  stand  its  walls,  aa  in  a  ghoulish  dream, 

wning  above  the  pearly  waves  of  I.ifT 
Iu  attitude  toward  that  historic  stream 
Remains  deplorably  aloof  and  sniffy  ; 
"Remote,  unfriended,  melancholy,  alow," 

Out  of  the  swim  of  I  Hihlin's  sons  and  daughters 
Seldom  or  never  do  iu  minions  go 
And  plunge  their  hide  -hound  hixlieft  in  the  flow 
Of  those  pellucid  waters. 

Tlie  River,  too,  of  Life  mils  l>y  outside. 

And  none  within  takes  notice.     Drear  and  heavy. 
The  dungeon's  portals  bar  that  human  tide 

Save  when  the  leading  Ogre  holds  a  levee  ; 
1  11  vain  her  passion  Erin's  bards  rehearse  ; 

So  cold  the  Castle's  heart,  so  thick  its  skull  is, 
That  never  yet  one  line  of  local  verse 
Voicing  the  national  despair  in  1 

lias  dodged  its  dour  portcullis. 

When  shrewd  shillelaghs,  hurtling  through  the  air, 

.•t  tin-  gnvn  with  wigs  and  facial  peelings, 
Where  are  the  Castle's  men?    They  have  no  share 
In  sports  that  vent  the  nation's  holiest  feelings  ; 
They  never  know  the  pun-  moonlighter's  thrill 

When  pruning  cows'-tails  through  the  long  night- 

watches  ; 

wake  a  corpse  around  the  illicit  still, 
But  keep  apart,  unsociable  and  chill, 
Imbibing  alien  Scotches. 

Ah  !  when  will  some  great  strenuous  soul  upspring, 
Some  moral  SAXDOW  with  a  sacred  mission 

To  storm  the  Castle's  walls,  and  turn  the  thing 
Into  a  Pan-Hibernian  Exhibition? 

For  he.  the  List  to  fare  on  that  crusade 

A  frivolous  gay  knight  and  fresh-recruited— 

Having  arrived  and  whispered  "  Who  's  afraid  ?  " 

Just  set  the  slug-horn  to  his  lips  and  played 

Me  Rirrtll  '*  come  —  and  scooted  !     O.  8. 


NATURE    STUDIES. 

THE  Enmox  r*  LUXE. 
"  WE  shan't  have  room  for  it,"  I  said. 
"  But  it  will  look  very  well,"  said  my  wife.     "  Thirty-six 

volumes  in  that  handsome  red  binding  would  net  of!  am 
i-t          »i 

"There  isn't  a  spare  foot  of  room  now,"  I  insisted. 
"  But  we  always  meant  to  clear  away  some  of  the  ruM>i-h\ 
boob 

"  There  are  no  rubbishy  books.  That '«  why  we '  ve  nove 
cleared  anything  away.  Besides,  I'm  not  sure  I  care  fc 
every  little  word  I  he  great  man  has  written." 

"Every  little  word,"  said  my  wife  severely— " every  littl 
word  written  bv  a  man  of  genius  ought  to  bo  preserved." 

"So  it  will  lie,"  I  said,  "liy  those  who  print  this  editio 
ami  those  who  buy  it  ;  Imt  that  'sno  reason  for  mi/  buying  it. 

"That's  flippant,"  said  my  wife.  •  :,i,.l 
1  >f  course,  if  you  begin  to  be  abusive — 

"How  like  a  man!"«aid  my  wife.     "When  ! 
in  argument" — she  pronounced  these  words   very  impre-, 
surely— "  he  always  says  he  'a  being  abused." 


"  P>ut  oiilv  a  pound  ..,  . 

"That's  thirty-six  j-'ui  id,  "and   for  thirl 

itinds  wo  could  go  to  the  seav 

•    I'.ni  n  . •;    one  \olmne  a  month,  and   that 

month  for  time    -  nius 

-ill  .,,!  at  the  md  of   that    time   he'll    stay  with  us 

'.-it   you'll  get    tired  ..f  him.      When  the  three   y-ars  are 
.iin   away  in  an  attic.      You'll   never   look 
t  hiiii.     He'll  get  ' •  ith  dust.      I  don't  lik. 

vlion  tin  .  .-.1  with  <lust.     I'm  not   sure  I  like  them 

vhen  they  're  .piite   •  . 

"  That."  said  my  wife,  "  i-  alisiird.    1  shall  fill  up  the  form. 
"Thirty-six  |~iunds,"  I  pleaded. 

idled  it  ii])  with  your  name."  -he  -aid. 

should    have  thought  .if  that."  she   •  when 

•With    all     my    worldly    goods    I    the.- 
•ndow  '     you  can't  deny  it." 

"Hut  fdidt»'t  mean  it.      It   was  dJKTMM.      I' 
mother  hit  alx-ut  olx-vii 

"Fiddlesticks,"  "aid  sin-.     "I've  put  ;i  n  it,  and 

'm  going  lo  p.  •- 
And  she  did. 

All   this  happened    tv  ind  a  lial 

low   approaching   for   the   third   time,   and    through    al! 
•hanging  seasons,  month   liy  month,  with  the  impp 

idarity  of  one  of  nature's   immutable  ordinan. 
.tout  red  volumes    have   made   their   formidable   appear.. 
Thirty  of  them  stand  in  a  thick  red  line  on  the  loaded  sh. 
•n  a  rough   calculation   there  are   more   than   seven    feel    of 
hem     and  there  are  -i\  more  volumes  to  .  ome. 

Now,  to  liny  a  liook  casually,  to  liny  thirty  lH».ks  at  odd 
imes  and  without  previous  arrangement,  these  are  easy  and 
ight-hearted  things  that  any  man  may  do  without  impairing 
he  springs  of  his  strength  or  adding  a  single  grey  hair  to 

ii-  head.    Hut  to  be  under  a  permanent  urevooabfe  contract 

o  purchase  a  certain  sort  of  Ixxik  once  iu  every  month,  to 
take  delivery  of  it  and  to  pay  for  it,  saps  the  vitality  of  the 
most  vigorous  lieing  that  ever  trod  a  country  road.  To  know 
that  at  some  time  within  the  first  week  of  every  month  a 
lieavy  postal  parcel  will  lie  dumped  down  as  if  liy  magic  on 
the  hall  tahle  and  will  lie  there  pleading  to  have  it-  string 
cut  and  its  brown-paper  unfolded  there's  nothing  iu  the 
whole  range  of  experience  to  coni]>ete  with  that  as  a  shall. n-r 
of  nerves  and  a  destroyer  of  liappine-s.  While  the  pan-el 
lies  thus  my  wife  avoids  my  < •>.-.  I  lieli.-M-  she  ^.i-s  down  in 
tin-  dead  hours  of  the  night  to  open  it  and  stow  it  away.  Sh. 
has  even  gone  so  far  as  to  assert  that  she  had  told  me  how  it 
would  lie,  adding  that  she  had  long  since  realised  how  useless 
it  was  to  dissuade  a  wilful  man  from  any  pnr|>osc  he  had  set 
his  mind  on.  The  thirty  si\-volumed  genius  who  was  t»  lia\. 
been  a  joy  to  us  has  brought  US  a  curse.  We  have  never 
dared  to  read  him  in  hi-  new  edition,  hist  night  I  .aught 
my  wife  with  a  thin  and  handy  volume  in  ln-r  hand.  It 
In-longed  to  an  earlier  edit  ion  of  our  d.-st  roving  gen  in-.  \\  hen 
she  saw  that  1  had  oli-er\.-d  her  she  had  the  grace  to  look 
uncomfortalile  and  to  lay  the  liook  down  under  the  OODOBa] 
in  -tit  of  an  illustrated  paper.  And  tl  more  volume- 

still  to  come. 


The  Cry  of  the  Russian  Children. 

Mr.    I'liin-h    very    gratefully    acknowli-ilges    the    g.-nerou.- 

H  made  |u  his  appi-al    la-l  week   on  In-half   of   r 
ing   children    of    Samara.    l!u--i.i.       A    .-iat"nn-nt    ol    tin 
amount   n-.-eive<l   will   ajuiear   in   his   next    issue.      He  wonlc 
welcome    further    contriliut  addn  --•'!    to    M 

HlUDBI  n     \VH.\l.\i\V.    I'lltl.-l,    (  Iflice.    lU,    Ril|\eli.     Street,    K.C. 


PUNCH,   OH  TH  K  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- MAY  15,  1907. 


THE  WAKRIOR  UNBENDS. 

MR.  HALDANE  ENJOYING  AN  INTERVAL  AT  THE  TOURNAMENT. 


15,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    CHAKIVARI. 


347 


,,v. 


»*&&wnm 


, 

•  s  V  — 

OUR    VILLAGE    CRICKET   CLUB. 

(Spinner  tries  a  ball  or  two  before  the  First  Match.) 
K.rcited  Chorus.  "  STEADY,  SPINNER,  STEADY  !    HERE  COMES  T'OTHER  SIDE.    DON'T  LET  'EM  SEE  YOU  BOWLINO  !  " 


NIGHT  THOUGHTS. 

["  The  ideal  position  for  brain-work  of  moat 
kinds  is  the  recumbent  one  in  bed." 

Mr.  Eustace  Miles.] 

OFT  in  the  noisy  night, 

When  motor-buses  wake  me, 
Or  when  the  strains  of  feline  swains 

Hid  gentle  sleep  forsake  me, 
I  love  to  watch  the  flight 

Of  fancy  as  she  rambles, 
A  butterfly  from  earth  to  sky 

In  Bunny-hearted  gambols. 

And  whilst  I  lie  so  still, 

My  gifted  Muse  arises  ; 
She  brings  the  best  of  wit  and  jest, 

Sin-  fills  me  with  surprises; 
With  more  than  human  skill 

From  this  to  that  she  clashes, 
\\  lulr  from  her  lips  fall  dazzling  quips 

And  scintillating  Hashes. 

Anon  she  whispers  low 

The  lilt  of  some  gay  ditty, 
Entrancing,  bright,  divinely  light, 

Astonishingly  witty, 
All  full  of  verve  and  go — 

A  verv  revolution 


Of  humour,  fun,  convulsing  pun 
And  brilliant  coruscation. 

Anon  with  subtle  art 

A  novel  plot  she  '11  sketch  me  ; 
A  page  she  '11  cram  with  epigram 

And  mots  that  fairly  fetch  me ; 
And  then  she  '11  break  my  heart 

With  scenes  that  set  me  choking 
Until  I  find  my  eyes  are  blind, 

My  pillows  fairly  soaking. 

Anon  she  hints  a  play — 

I  'm  absolutely  certain 
No  other  man  could  hope  to  plan 

So  excellent  a  curtain. 
I  mark  the  audience  sway 

Spell-bound,  intent  and  breathless  ; 
I  hoar  them  cry, "  Though  SHAKSPEAKE  die 

This  dramatist  is  deathless  !  " 

But  when  my  clothes  I  snatch, 

And  dress  in  haste,  all  eager 
At  once  to  write  the  thoughts  of  night, 

They  seem  absurdly  meagre. 
I  can  no  longer  catch 

The  points  that  made  me  chortle, 
The  novel  plot  seems  abject  rot — 

I  've  grown  so  dense  a  mortal. 


Small  wonder  few  would  dream 

I  entertain  such  gay  thoughts ; 
Small  wonder  if  they  sneer  and  sniff 

Who  only  know  my  day  thoughts. 
Ah !  were  I  he  I  seem 

When  bird-like  I  "  sing  darkling," 
When    stretched   at  length    in    brainy 
strength 

I  lie  supinely  sparkling. 


THE  moral  influence  of  our  Press  has 
often  been  a  subject  for  discussion,  and 
Mr.  Punch,  therefore,  begs  to  call  atten- 
tion to  the  advice  given  in  London 
Opinion  to  an  honourable  if  unenter- 
prising enquirer : 

"  You  are  going  the  wrong  way  about  your 
business,  HAKLEQUIN.  The  proper  way  to  get  at 
the  reserve  of  the  Bank  of  England  from  the 
Weekly  Statement  is  to  take  the  gold  and  silver 
coin  and  the  notes  which  the  Bank  has  in  its 
till."  

Incendiarism  at  Epsom. 
DETAILS  OF  THE  CONFLAGRATION. 

"  Lord  Eosebery  burnt  his  boots  with  a 
vengeance  yesterday." —  UYsfcni  Hunting  AVira. 


Ifl 


PUNCH,  "K  TIIK   LONDON   <  iI\KlY.\i;i. 


i:..  i '.">:. 


HOW   TO   BRIGHTEN    BANQUETS. 

Mr   L»)  MASK'S  admirable  Iff 
Tke  Tn>  .....  f  l.i-t  Wednesday,  Huggest- 
ing  rmriouK  ways  in  wliii  h  <>nr  public 

;  -  mu'lil    '•    impro\ed,  ILL-  I" 

•  I  of  further  contributions  on  the 
tubjrvt.  fn-iii  which  xve  extract  tin- 
following  as  tbe  unwt  typical  and 

1     • 

Mr.  LAI  MAXSK  himself  writes  : 
I  be  allowed   i  '•  "•  ' 

by  two  specific  suggestions  lir-i.  that 
poiauuoua  politicians  of  tin-  Potsdam 
group  should  be  prox  !•!'  •  I  «  nil  poisonous 
food,  and  second.  tii.ii  tin-  more  elderly 
and  innocuous  mandarins  should  be  let 
off  with  mandarin  oranges." 


Mr.  AuiOLviv  A 
entirely  assent  to  Mr.  MAXSE'S  c. 
proposition  that  our  public  bamiucls 
k»xe  much  to  be  desired.  Wbere  1  diSat 
front  him  is  in  regard  to  ways  and  means. 
What  i*  ic.ilK  xvanted  is  some  efT< 
inetbod  <>f  di-tracting  the  al  trillion  of 
tbe  guests  from  mundane  and  niatrn.il 
interests  to  the  thing*  that  really  inatti-r. 
Here,  however,  wecan  learn  much  from  the 
ancients.  lean  imagine  110  more  effectual 
f  n-.dly  brightening  our  banquets 
lh.  MI  by  i.  -iiiti.  -In.  -11.4  the  admirable 
custom  of  the  skeleton  or  mummy  at 
the  feast,  which  was.  I  U-lieve.  generally 
adopt  c-  1  by  the  I-  -i  society  in  the  palmy 
i.  In  deference  to  our 
modern  wnmiivenem.  perlia|>s  it  would 
be  as  well  if  the  skeleton  were  not  a 

:•  -         •  •      .•  '  '       '     '         ll  •  '   .....   t   01 

some   other   similar    siil»t:imv.      (YIIu- 
!<>id,    liowcver,    haa    the   dxawbaek    of 
inll.imm.ihlf,  which  must  be  set 
again>t     it»   cheapness.     I    should    also 
that  tin**1  imputing  castellated 
of  the  confer  I  Miner's  art     the 

pieoes**of  public  banquets,  which 
reappear  again  and  again  should  take 
the  form  of  ivnolapii-  and  have  the 
nimns  of  famous  men  clearly  inscrilwd 
thereon.  In  this  way  tbcy  would  I-- 
lass  likely  to  be  desecrated  than  the 
torubs  of  forgotten  worthies  in  our 
cemeterit»  .m  to  music.  The 

music  which  in  habitually  discussed  at 
our  public  dinners  is,  to  my  mind,  far 
too  trivial.  lli|.|..ini,  and  exciting.  To 
promote  digestion,  it  -h.«ul.l  U-  of  a 
more  tranquil,  sedate  and  elegiac  chnnic 
ter,  such  as  is  indicated  bv  the  terms 
mofftoto.  iluloroto,  fltfale,  trttUtmfi 
modo  lamrntrnAr,  •arrufmjoto.  Lastly, 
speeches  should  not  !-•  deliver.-^ 
varying  pitch.  but  intoned,  or  possibly 
cantillated  to  the  aooompaniment 

•1  horn." 

1  T  (  '  W.  Suxm  writes  :  "  As  I  hax  .- 
recently  explained  in  a  monograph  on 

.     •••.>.••.-,    .    •  .    -i.  •       •     . 
reformers  ahoold  be  to  <  liminate  worry. 


conducing  locxluLkr.itioiuuidequanimity, 

M  t.-nd  t.i|T..lui-e.K,.iitr.ir\ 

Those  who  are  ex|»  :  •••>k  -•n:.-r 

B||  of  antici|-ation  throughout 

.d.  which  they  arc  unable  either  to 

•.iirmonnl    this 

dillicully.    I    would    j.roj..-e    the   simple 
plan  of  •s|Ntxhc>  lir>t  ami   dinner  after 
I  !  .....  idc.il  .if   el.i.|iieni-<-  would 
tlu-n  !«•  -(-•••dily  g.-l  "V.T  and  the  draw 
Mr    M\\-i:     that  of 
iiig    a     full      i.  s|H-.i-ln-- 

•  leliver.--!  late  in  the  ext-ninj;  would 
cease  t..  e\i~t  Tin-  delm-ry  i  if  the 
s|Hiflies,  again,  wnul.l  gain  greatly  by 
tins  arrangement,  for  spetvli 
allied  to  song,  and  singers  invariably 
sing  beet  before  a  meal." 

Mr  CIIVKII.**  FwiiMAN  prt-aenta  liis 
compliments  and  writes:  "May  I  i- 
allowe<l  to  make  one  suggestion?  At 
all  high-class  banquets  a  flash-light 
photograph  ia  </«•  r'ujueur.  Hut  the 
realism  is  siidly  impaired  bytheulK- 
aloud  thunder  |H-.I|.  This  indjapenaable 
adjunct  could  !»•  easily  s<viin-d  if  the 
waiters  werv  drilled  to  drop  their  trays 
in  unison  outside,  the  interval  !>• 
the  Hash  and  the  jK-.d  Ix-ing  timed,  out 
of  defi-rence  to  the  nerves  of  the 
which  would  presumably  hardly  recover 
at  once  from  the  Hash,  to  indicate  that 
the  storm  centre  is  nt  a  safe  distance. 
A  shower  of  confetti  to  simulate  hail 
might  come  down  from  the  roof,  and 

•.!i"~e  appetite-  hail   Hot   IMTII   flllly 

-.iti-lii--!  might,  by  keeping  their  mouths 
O|K-II.  derive  adtlilional  sustenance  ami 
refreshment  from  the  shower." 

Mr.  Hi  .-i  \n:  Mll»  writes  :  "  lliiu|iiets 
will  never  be  brightened  until  a  rational 
diet  becomes  the  rule  and  not  the  excep 
lion.  As  we  read  in  the  must  l»-,iutiful 
of  MAMI»:I.'S  'arias,  '  Ombra  mai  fn  <li 
tfgtiabile,'  which  1  nuiy  freely  ].ara 
phr.iso,  '  Life  is  a  shadow  without 
vegetables.'  " 

Mr.  JAY  Conn  write-  "There  is  no 
doubt  a  good  deal  in  diet,  but  though 
I  have  a  great  respect  for  Mr.  Miuzs  as 
a  -|-iitsnian  his  HU-IIH  is  really  not  worth 
a  row  of  beans.  All  I  can  say  is  that 
when  I  tried  it  I  could  not  play  for 
nuts." 


NI:W.VHAM-I.)AVIS  writes: 
"  I  am  strongly  in  favour  of  the  sand- 
wiching of  speeches  at  public  bainp-iei- 
•  •ti  the  various  items  of  the  i,,,-nii 
This  would  tend   tui.ir..    ap|»  tit.-  and 
wnuld   enable   »clf-resi>ecting  din> 
tackle   a   mi-.il   of   twenty   courses   where 
often  unable   to  do 

full  justice  to  one  of  on  l\ 


Miss  SYI.M\  I'VXKIM  it-i    writel         It 

the     delay     caused      by     after  -  dinner 

•peechea  is  regarded  as  a  serious  draw- 

.ire   fully    prepare'! 

to    take     the    entii' 


providing     tin  at     all     such 

functions  and    delivering    them    during 
..{  the  n.- 


Mi 

SM.\I\?" 


L*x    writes :    "  Who 


M 


CHARIVARIA. 

Sill    I       -I      1'oXMli:.    -peaking    at    the 
i.-iny  Haiiipict.  mentioned   tin- 
Palace  i  if  WeMmiii-t'  r  .1-    bi-mu  a  build 
ing  which  -till  left   pl.-nl  I"  the 

deooratixe  artist.  F.-pii -iallx  .  we  t.ike  II. 
noxv  that  there  is  a  chance  of  the  House 
of  I/ in  Is  losill:: 


By  the  terms  of  Mr.  BiltltH  i  '-  In-h 
Council  Hill,  the  CiiiKt  ~ 

the  right  to  be  present  at  the 
Council's  nii-etings.  It  is  thought  that 
this  unfortunate  otlicial's  costume  for 

such  occasions  will  !»•  a  suit  of  armour. 

*  * 
* 

Now    that    it  has  1  1  that 

Vmn  XH  -de-en  bed  a  t.iximeterc.ibxxliich 
was  in  use  in  the  xear  T'.l  ll.  i'.  it  is  thought 
that  the  Cab  Trade  xvill  I, 
the    introduction   of   what  it    had    ' 
i  new  idi-a.       ^   ^ 
* 

There  is  good  news  for  those  artists 

whose  Works  were  rejected    by  the   f 
Academy.       Tin-     National     <  iallcry     i- 

ubout  to  lx>  enlarge<  I. 

*  * 

The  >V/'.Vi:  detAquanllulM  l-'iiiw.-nix 
is  now  holdini;  an  e\hibilioii  in  bunion. 
This  reminds  us  that  il  is  again  rumoured 
that  the  rival  French  S/J/H/M  arc  alxnil  to 
amalgamate,  and  xvill  l>e  known  as  the 

•1IK. 

*  « 

Tlie  I^ord  Cl.ixi:  scandal  xvhich  I»rd 
CMC/OS  is  seeking  to  remeiK  if  grau-r 
than  was  at  first  thought.  It  noxv 
transpires  that  there  doc-  c\i>t  a  statue 
of  the  founder  o|  our  Indian  Kmpire  at 
tin  India  (  Mlice,  but  it  is  a  comic  one 

in  Roman  costume. 

*  * 


There  is  groat  ^-lee  in  certain  foreign 
countries  at  what  i-  con-idcrcd  the  cou- 
••picuouH  failure  of  Tin-  l>ri<fln<ni:jlit. 
An  ollicial  statement  conf  eases  thai  when 

,sn    |KT    cent,    of    her    gun-    wen-    tiled 
.r  all   the  cM-cution  that   \\a>  done 
i.-il  in  the   breaking  of  a  few  cups 
and  siiiurrs.  ^   t 

* 

Living  slat  lies  are  U-ing  dragged  from 
their  |  .11  OUT  the  coiintrx.  and 

\\e   n.  not    altogether 

sorry.      For   human    I  icings  to  return   to 
the  Stone  ly  progress. 

* 

The  lir.-t  contract  exer  j.  laced  in  this 
country  fm-  .1  tram  permanent  way 
|..r  .la].  an  has  just  U-en  gi\rn  to  a 


M\Y  i.-), 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHABIVAIM. 


349 


FOR    BETTER,    FOR    WORSE. 

Mistress.  "  I  'M  SORRY  YOU  WANT  TO  LEAVE,  ELLIS.    ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  BETTER  YOURSELF  ? ' 
Maid.  "  No,  M'M  ;  I  'M  GOING  TO  GET  MARRIED." 


Sheffield   firm.     That   is   all  very  well, 

but  we  still  want  Tin-  Mikado. 

*  * 

The  KAISER  has  invited  the  British 
journalists,  on  their  visit  to  Berlin,  to 
witness  the  Spring  parade  of  the  Pots- 
dam garrison.  If  the  KAISER  imagines 
that  British  journalists  are  easily  over- 

awed  he  is  mistaken. 

*  * 

The  latest  news  from  Morocco  is  that 
the  Pretender  now  has  20,000  men  and 
sixteen  guns  with  him  ;  but  lie  is  such  a 
fellow  for  pretending  that  it  is  difficult 
to  arrive  at  the  truth. 

*  * 

An  old  lady,  on  reading  that  the 
experiment  of  growing  tobacco  under 

coxer  is  being  tried  in  Porto  Rico, 
remarked  that  it  would  indeed  be  won- 
derful if  the  tobacco  could  be  picked 

already  done  up  in  packets. 

*  * 

While  business  was  proceeding  at  the 

Xexv  liailey  the  other  day,  there  was  a 
terrific  Vang,  and  (lie  court  was  filled 


with  steam.  The  explanation  given  was 
that  some  machinery  in  the  basement  had 
broken  down.  The  following  exchange 
of  xvit  and  badinage  then  took  place. 

Mr.  Justice  JEI.F: — "Does  this  often 
happen  ?  " 

Mr.  It.  D.  Mum :— "  This  is  the  first 
offence."  (Loud  laughter.) 

Now  some  of  us  would  have  found 
Mr.  Mum's  remark  difficult  to  cap,  but 
His  Lordship  was  undismayed.  "Let 
us,"  he  retorted,  "  hope  it  will  not  be 
periodical." 

* 

Colono  HKAI.EY,  O.M.G.,  of  Bishop's 
Stortford,  we  are  told,  has  painted  the 
sign  of  the  Swan  Inn,  at  Rayne,  Essex. 
We  see  nothing  very  remarkable  in  this. 
We  have  known  younger  officers  paint 

an  entire  town  red. 

*  * 

A  steady  decrease  in  the  number  of 
ice-cream  sellers  is  noted  in  the  annual 
report  of  the  Medical  ( >fficer  of  Health 
for  the  City  of  London.  The  cause  is 
difficult  to  arrive  at,  but  it  is  thought 


possible  that,  owing  to  bad  times,  some 
of  the  unfortunate  Italian  vendors  may 
have  been  compelled  to  consume  a  lot 
of  their  own  ice-cream. 

V 

A  gentleman  writes  to  Tlie  Express  as 
follows  : — "  Sir, — My  son  whistles  his 
favourite  airs  from  The  Mikado  in  spite 
of  my  repeated  warnings.  Am  I  in 
peril  ?  "  The  answer  is  surely  an  un- 
hesitating Yes,  if  the  lad  is  an  average 
boy  and  the  father  has  an  ear  for  music. 


Events  of  the  Week. 
WE  understand  from  Tin-  T'nni'x  that 
Mr.  BIRRELL  brought  in  his  Irish  Bill  last 
Tuesday,  and  from  The  Deal,  Walmer 
and  Sandwiclt,  Mercury  that  "on  the 
suggestion  of  the  Mayor,  it  was  decided 
that  a  new  pair  of  trousers  be  provided 
for  the  Town  Sergeant." 

"The  man  mnst  be  able  to  teach  a  boys' 
brass  band  and  to  undertake  the  sujxrvisioii  of 
a  steam  boiler." — Advt.  in  "Daily  Telegraph." 

THESE  gifts  often  go  together. 


PUNCH, 


mi-: 


.  n\i;i\  \i;i 


MIY   l.\   I'.HiT. 


FROM  COURT  AND  EMPIRE. 
\Virn  mad.-  it  ao  pleasant  to  Me  Mr. 
8r.  J» 

ao  to  apeak,  to  the  < ' 

the  play  contains  a  fmh  idea,  a  fresh 

little  problem.  Not,  to  be  sure,  a  profound 

idea  or  a  wy  vital  problem.    What  ia 

to  be  done  by  a  rich  father  who  has  a 

letrimeoud  aon?    Answer:    (Jive   him 

an  allowance  to  absent  himself. 

litu  ao  long  aa  he  keepa  away.    That  w 

ill.  l.ut  it  refreshes  one  after  the  eternal 

is  a  huaband  to  do  whose  wife 

likea  aome  one  eke  better?  or  an- 

such  hackneyed  question.     WoottB8.it 

wi.ul.1  not  refresh  one  very  mob  if  the 

u it  I.,  .r  wen?  not  a  hunoriat  ami  a  man 

with  :m  eye  fur  character  and  effect ;  Imt 

'ortun.if-lx  Mr.  1 1  XVMV  has  these  qualities 

most  distinctly.     I  think  the  play  would 

law  been  better  if  it  had  U-cn  shorter, 

with  rather  law  <>f  shaking  handa  and 

lo-you-do,  and  I -must -be -going 

business,  leaa   irrelevant   conversation, 

though  aome  of  it  ia  extremely  winy,  and 

leaa  of  conventional  character-drawing — 

a  match  making  mother  ami  :i  doctor  are 

fart.»o>nventional    tfarowMmbeaidethe 

real  people;  Imt  then  it  is  always  ao  easy 

to  improve  oth-  wi irk.   I  am  nut 

sure  that  I  quite  U-li.x.    in  the  Prodigal 

binwelf.    So  shr.  -\vd  ..ml  sane  a  person 

would  hardly  have  come  to  grief  so  often. 

.  t  then-  is  any  mistake  it  is 

«n  .  ngiual  lioea.      I  take   Mr.  HxsMV  \» 

mean  the  affair  lor  a  sort  of  Itogn.- '» 

Comedy,  and  not  aa  a  aytnpathctic  appeal 

in  U-h.ilf  of  i'll<>  young  men  who  have 

rich    parents ;   but  BO  agreeuble   is   his 

ne'cr-i In- well  that  HIM'  is  quite  delighted 

(not  having  to  pay  it1  that  he  gets  his 

three  hundred  a  year.     Rut  I  think  the 

moat  truly  comic  figure  in  the  mother,  a 

perfect  sketch  of  lovable  and  maddening 

The  play  waa  better  acted  than  ever 
almost  too  well  acted,  if  Mr.  lL\XKi\  « II 
i«  me;   for  such  clever  j>coplc  a 
alias  lkn*rnrr   Mino  and   air.   Ki'xn  \i 
(JWKXS  were  rather  wasted  on  iiiMgniti 
cant  part*.    At  tin-  t'ouri.  however,  aa 
at  the  Francaia,  ability  ia  not  proud 
MUM  UATDOX  could  not   bo   more  than 
perfect  aa  the  mother.  b«t  Mr.  MATI  WAH 
baa  eren  a  better  grip  than  before  on 
the  Prodigal,   with  hia  cat-like  enjoy 

•f  recovered  comforts  and  I 
perturbable  confidence  in  other  people's 
weaknesses.    I  really  can  i   U!i.-x.-iha 
Mi    Donrn  I  MHK  has  not  tuk. ..  !. 
apecUble.  finicking  elder  l.r  il.. ,   dinv 
from    life  —  that    mincing  xt<-p!     tha 
, late  anort!— and  I  aboold  DC  aorry 

'.:"•  •    >>       •  v.  •  i  1       '      .!      ;  • 

cerUin,  if  he  cxi«U«,  n>  • 

imitation.    I  waa  curious   to  aeo  Itow 

Mr.  KKH    Ij»is  wirid<l  pL'x   the  father 

•      •        -•     .         •  •  ,  .     . 
note  of  hia  act  <  nukes  hia 


fa-hiou-il'le    .  :i   a    tr.-al. 

xould    U'  out   of   place   in   his  common- 
lace    successful     cloth-maker:     I 
reaard   u    nobly,    but  it    would  come 
n(  in -XV  and  then. 

uld    almost   v.i-h    that     at    this 
dar   iii.nii.-nt     I    xx, -re   wrilin. 

rsome  other  such 
a    serious   face,  rather    than    t  -r 
Mr.    I'mifli.    for    then    1    would    . 

•her   critics    by    writing    of    >'i> 
r,  rli- 1/,  the  new  liallet  at   the 
Empire,  with  tremendous  gravity.    They 
re  too  apt  to  write  of  ballete  as  tl 

•  •  a  great  condescension  '•• 
s    though   their  powerful    minds,  duly 
-•d    by    the   masterpieces  of    Mr. 
Mr.  I'INKMO.  wen-  merely  U-ing 
I    oxer  a    triviality.     Whereas  in 
ruth  there  ia  more  skilful   adaptation 
if  im-ans  to  ends,  more  knowledge  of 
lie    business    in    hand,    more    certain 
u-hicxement,   more  real  art,  in    fact,   in 


1'xilik.AI.ITT  AXO   UXCTDOCR   ItBTITI  I'U 

atr.  A.  E.  ahUhem  awl  Mr.  IVni.i* 


hough    1    cannot    in\--lf    --c    why  any 
•in'  -li..ii!d  liotln-r  alK.ut  it.  and    1  don't 

nlcnd    to   Ihithcr    aU'iit    lliis   i I'.iil 

IM|  litn-  ni    i      Mr.   Ai'inxs    I.' 

•kilfully    condni-li'd 
vith    a     \icw     to     i  'ii-ni! 
I'hi-n  ihiT   iiiaiti-r   in   which    I 

should     lit  a     t;o<,d     example. 

otli.-r  criiii  -   wldom   ntion  any 

icrformer  eio'pl  Mil.    <  ii  M'I  .  as  though 

,v;is  no  one  else  worth  their  noiici-. 

hough  they  will  mention  I  he  name  of  the 

ictor  who   pla\s   the   weond    fi»ilman  in 

•  iiM.K  is  incomparable:  1  have 

ITU   dancers   who  equalled   her  agility, 

ml  not  one  of  them  had  anything  of  her 

lelightful    temperamenl.    her 

mmonr,    her    MIIIIIV  enjoyment    of    the 

whole     thing.      Hut     there    are    others. 

Mr.  Si  M-I-.I  ix.  f,  ,r  example,  who  1 

ittle   to   do    this    time,    is    a    splendid 

lancer    and    has  a  sense   of   character: 

vi ni    reiuemlier    \n-     gipsy    dance     with 

i.l-i.  t'l  i  1:1     win.  is  as  amusing  as 

in  ( '")'/«•  /in  .'      Then    there    : 

'I:\-KI.  as  iinov  nil  and  gr.ie.-fnl  . 

n  her  young  man's  part,  and   the  agile 

Mr.  FKF.I>  FAKRK.N.  and   Mile.   XVMI.IIH. 

in   old    friend  in   these  tilings,  and  Mi-s 

!•'..  t 'oil  im.  who  once   more  play.s  a  little 

picture    part    with    a    charming    gaiety 

Mid  ii.ilnralii.-s-       All   thc.se  artists  ha\e 

much   more  ability    than    many    players 

it  the  theatre  xvlm  are  reijularlx    pi 

Mnt  of  C.HHS,-  I  ii  M'K  is  the  thing,  and 
(llMI.    is  herself      the  soul  of   happiness 

md   gra.v \h!   well,   well!      IV r 

i   im  I.N,  kind  to  the  liallet.      lint  the 
tlieatre  bores  me  ao  often,  and  the  liallet 
!easnl   me  ever  since     was   it    lin- 
early fifties?     one  came  to  l><ndon  with 
"  comrades  of  coll  Kioiivc 

s;iid.  to  see  the  dentist,  and  iiiisse<|  the 
last   train  back.     I  really  had   to 
xvord  for  it.  K>  i . 


a  gontl  ballet  at  the  Kinpire  than  ill  a 
\\ilderneat)  of  average  plays  at  the 
ihi-.iire.  And  the  new  Udlet  i*  u  good 
Udlel.  It  is,  of  course  (as  tin-  n-ad' 
great  erudition  xxill  ha\e  g:itln-re<l  fmm 
the  Ii:>  t"  -nth  i  •••nliilA  .  and 

eh.iriiuii^   art-  the   elT.vts  of   the  dresai 

•ii-  .Hid   niaidi'ii.-.  lieaux  and 
IMMI     at     Vauxhall.    .-.Idhi-     and 

what    not,  maaaed    l>y    Madame   HAITI 

LUQIEB    in     gra.  .  ful     rvolntions.     xxitli 

im-nil.-r  of  th<-  eh..  in-   dulled  to 

a  mill       Mr.  "\JO\D  CABR'S  music  ia 

<lir<iughout.  ih..ii-h  the  occasion 

\x..illd    liav.'  Mom  I.  I    think,  a  little   inon 
ilineaa"     of     tun.'  :     h.  .\VIUT.     tin 
old  MIIII-S.  xvhich  (pf  iiiiir-j-  he  works   in 
give  one  that.     AI-.   Mr.  A;    \a    I; 
baa   dovMed    an    uii.lli^d.l.     -i.,rx. 
am  can-fid   to  im  nii..u   ih.it.    U-.M 
have  (,!•-  n,  d  that  oth.T  ]«ii|.|f  simpU 
thirst     f..r    a    -inry    .  .11    . 
oven  in  a  "  mu-ii-.d  -r  a  li.dli-t 


A  Royal  Salute. 

\Vrundcr-taiid  l'l:l*    Mi-ssrs. 
I'M- i.    l>xxx--,,v     Mini    t'o-'h    h.ix-e   -l.irted 
for   Madrid    to   gni-t    the  li'oyal   Spanish 
xxith    a    sml.ilile    s.i|\.i    uf    cradle 
.•an  none. 


Sin   JAMXH    CIMIIIION    HK.-WM     h.ixing 

il,   !   a  i  in  -lll.ir  ill  ad  vain  e   I 

uijuirius     in    Aml'ide\t,-iit\  .     '/'/;.• 
Triliiui'     announces,    the   i.--nlt>    .• 
lows:  — 


iiiiu    '"   -i    i|..---i  " 


»inkin/{,    tin 


%      H  Illkf.)      Ullll     till'      I'  I    "f     till- 

linlie»  who  mpnn'l.  i.  '.'  I.'!  'I.-,  l.m  •!  H,. 
in  .I  wink  at  all." 

Slopping  for  a  momenl  to  .sympathise 
with  the  •].",  of  ;i  Lnly  who  could  not 
xx  ink  at  all,  we  l»eg  to  ret-ord  our  em- 
I'liatii  again.st  the 

that   any   "lady"    xxoiild    "re>|»ind"    t. 
an  adxanie  o|   thi.,   kind. 


MAY  15,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


3.r)l 


AN    ENGLISH  REPEATER. 

As  lie  concluded  his  story,  he  had 
Iran)  hack  in  his  corner  of  the  compari 
incut  to  judge  of  (lie  i -licet  upon  me,  his 
ln-arcr.  1  had  manipulated  my  face  to 
produce  a  smile,  when  the  grin  was 
arrested  liy  his  action,  lie  had  got  out 
a  note-book.  "  Doesn't  matter  about 
address,  but  name  in  full,  please!  " 

"  I  don't  see  -      "  I  began. 

"Oh,  but  I  must  have  it,"  he  cried  ; 
"otherwise  I  may  tell  it  you  again." 

"  Tell  it  mo  again?"  1  said.  "  What 
is  it  you  might  tell  me  again  ?  " 

"  The  story  I  've  just  told  you,  of 
course.  Please,  1  beg  you,  give  me  your 
name." 

I  complied,  and  waited  while  he 
entered  it  in  his  book. 

Presently  he  began  to  look  over  the 
back  entries ;  then  suddenly  his  face 
clouded  over.  "  Dear  me ! "  I  heard 
him  mutter.  "  This  is  very  painful. 
Tell  me,"  he  cried  excitedly,  looking 
up, "  if  you  went  away  in  August,  1905?" 

"  About  then." 

"  On  the  Great  Western  ?  " 

I  nodded. 

"ToPenzance?" 

"Yes." 

"  On  the  ninth  ?" 

"  Really —     "  I  began. 

"  Did  you  ?  "  he  shrieked,  jumping  to 
his  feet. 

"  Yes — yes — yes,"  I  cried,  drawing 
back  in  terror. 

"By  the  12-45?" 

"  Er— I  daresay." 

He  drew  a  long  breath,  subsided, 
then  nodded  gloomily. 

"  I  thought  so,"  he  said.  "  It  is  with 
deep  regret  that  1  announce  it,  but  I 
find  I  told  you  this  story  once  before; 
and,  dear  me  "—he  was  referring  to  his 
book — "  this  is  very  disappointing.  Did 
you  join  a  Cook's  Tour  to  Iceland  in 
1904,  on  the  occasion  of  the  World's 
Watercress  Exposition?  " 

I  bowed  my  head  in  acquiescence. 

He  sighed  deeply  and  turned  to  his 
book  again.  "  JOHN  Albert  JONES,  I 
think  you  said?"  he  murmured.  "In 
1895,  in  November,  were  you  on  the 
Campania  bound  for  New  York  ?  " 

I  nodded. 

"  Then,"  he  cried  tragically,  "  will 
you  ever  forgive  me  ? — I  see  that  I  told 
you  this  same  story  on  the  promenade 
deck  at  7.48  on  Tuesday,  November  2, 
1895,  and  that  you  chuckled  five  times, 
• — a  number  exceeding  by  one  chuckle 
the  best  previoiis  scored  by  this  anecdote. 
This  is  very  disappointing.  Why,  oh 
why  didn't,  I  consult  my  book  earlier? 
It  is  very  sad." 

"What  is?" 

"  The  failure  of  the  register  system," 
he  said,  holding  out  his  book.  "It's 
like  this,  you  see.  I  have  ahvavs  been 


'QUESTIONABLE    COMPENSATION. 

Car  Driver  (to  nervous  Tourist).  "  KEEP  TER  BEAT,  SOB.    SHE  'LL  GO  cows  THE  OTHER  SOIDE 

AS   IF  THE   DIVH,  WAS  AFTHER  HER  !  " 


fond  of  telling  anecdotes,  in  fact,  had 
long  cherished  the  hope  of  being  referred 
to  in  the  popular  papers  as  an_;  excellent 
storyteller ;  and  sometimes,  indeed,  my 
soaring  ambition  had  bid  me  dream  of 
seeing  myself  described  as'  a  'born 
raconteur.'  But  I  soon  found  myself 
accused  (not  publicly,  of  course,  but 
amongst  my  friends)  of  repetition.  That 
is  what  led  to  my  instituting  my  anecdote 
register.  Amongst  persons  whom  I  know 
it  works  well ;  it  is  only  with  casual 
acquaintances  made  while  travelling  that 
the  system  sometimes  fails.  They,  not 
being  met  more  than  once  or  twice  in 
one's  life,  are  not  worth  putting  into  the 
ledger  ;  I  merely  enter  them  in  my  note- 
book ;  the  ledger  is  reserved — 

"The- the—     "  I  began. 

"The  ledger,"  he  replied.  "All  my 
intimate  friends  are  in  that.  PHIXF.HAS 
FiTznooni.E,  the  historian,  for  instance,  is 
an  old  friend  of  mine.  Say  I  am  asked 


to  dine  with  him.  Before  leaving  home 
I  compile  a  list  of  anecdotes  which  I 
think  he  may  like.  Then  I  consult  his 
ledger  account.  If  he  has  heard  any  of 
them  before,  I  strike  them  off  my  list. 
The  titles  of  the  remainder  I  copy  on  my 
cuff.  On  my  return  home,  such  of  the 
anecdotes  as  I  have  made  use  of  are  then 
inserted  in  the  ledger,  while  those  still 
unrelated  are  available  for  future  use." 

"  And  you  record  everything  ?  " 

"Yes,  the  anecdote,  place  of  telling, 
time,  date,  number  of  chuckles,  grins  or 
smiles  elicited,  are  all  entered  to  the 
account  of  the  person  to  whom  the  story 
is  told." 

At  this  point  the  train  pulled  lip ;  I 
got  out. 

"  We  shall  meet  again  as  friends,  I 
hope,"  he  cried  as  he  shot  his  head 
through  the  window  and  waved  a  fare- 
well. "  Friends,  I  say,  for  I  'm  going  to 
put  you  in  the  ledger." 


• 


pi  \<  II.    ni:    TMK    I.('M"'\    CHARIVARI. 


15,  r.H.7. 


w 


THE  JOYS  OF  TOURING.  No.  3.-THE  CAMINO  REAL. 

nil   I*  A   "U..1.I     K..U."    IT    IK  K«T  TUB   FATWt.TE   HWR   «orTB>  THF.   INFANT   P«WrB'oF  THE''AR1TR.M..       M«.   P.  v 

>..,i..k  ,x  STAIN  IK-"  DON'T  TA«B  TOI-E  OWN  CA«."     N.B. -THBtE  is  no  BPBF.I.  imn   iv 


H.\n.KF.I»   «>K   A    STATK. 

to   Karl'n    Court,  after  they 
have  done  everything   that   should    l« 
.1(1.1     they     have    tested    the 
water-rhutcH    of     Bulgaria,  and     flown 
round  in  the  flying  machine  »[  S-rvia  ; 
ufU-r  tli.-y   liavi-    explored   the  st.il 
i-nvei*  of    Uouniania   ami   tin-    wilt-mine 
of  Belgrade;  after  they  Imvr  <l«Mi-iicl.-.l 
the  heU<T-*keltrr  li^liili.  -HW  •  >f  |  hilnuttia, 
1.  1  IVilkan  .lapaoeae 

in  tbeir  vilLi^**  ;  after  they  have  travpQed 
<m  il.i-  Hwiu-hUvk  of  Moatmegro,  and 


I>IIIH-IK«|   th«'   t.-tla-n-*!    Uill  of  Cnl 
after  all  tin-,  they  may.  o»  they  wander 
throiiKli   tin-  RnmnilH   odnjilctiiiK   tlirir 
knowiedg<-  "nticr 

(innitrieii,  notice  a  hug<-  l.mMing  of 
iron  now  in  the  worse  of  erection  Bear 
the  mini  of  t! 

can   ilia-  -..•„!.• 

perhapa  cren  auk,  in   jmn-   IVilkan. 
a  paaaing  peaaant;  but  no  ono  nema 
to  know. 

know,  howerpr.     Tl)in  new  l.ml.1 
ing.  which  canmA  hope  to  be  re:< 
aome  week  -  '  -  devoted  to  one  of 

.  -t    ml>-rvxtin£   State*  of   all     to 

.111.1       In  addition  to  mich  or. 
•>    rope-Uddera,  pistok. 


liennls,  and  rapiers,  it  will  contain  >-• 
halls,   ill   one  of  whirh,   fitted    lip  as  a 
theatre,  will   In- performed   Tin •  l'i 
ni  /.,  ,,,l,t   twiiv  daily.     In  another  will 
be    waxen    repn-sontations    of    all    the 
principal   novelists  who  have   hcl]*-.!   t" 

impulnrisc  Itiiritania  since  «r.  AirTBan 

loiT.  dis4-nven-<l  it.  In  another  room 
will  U1  the  pnlili.-.licr>.  iiuikin^  .S«J<)  per 
flit,  profit  out  of  thin  happy  land.  A 
kind  will  ill. i\  the  Uuritauian  national 
anthem  all  ilay  and  half  the  night. 
Uuritauian  peasants  and  tuwnspeople 
will  siiiK  and  daneo.  Kuribmian  primi> 
will  deliver  leetiirex  on  eloiH'me 
atrategy  and  the  art  of  witty  convcr- 


LTMKIMCKS   "F   TMK    WF.F.K. 

I'm  i;i:  were  once  ~.  .me  I  '.  ilonial  1'c 
Who    were     famed    for    pOBt-fOHldial 


>  expected  that  the  Hopenin. 
mony,  to  oe  performed  by  Mr  A 
Hope,  will  take  place  on  .Inne  .".1.     All 
i   aeato,  4f.  W.  net 

I'     •        '        •  i  •  • 


Knights  of  the  Trencher. 

Meadline»   f pili i  :i  Y"rk»hin-  |  .i| 

Hun  1 1 AM  Mn  ITAKT 
WHKKK    HIMTISM    AllMY 

•v>t  •  -       .I'm  I'APA<  in'.' 


llcin«  taxe<l  with  freti  fund 
Their  /eid  «a>  >ul"lue.|. 
\nd  they  couldn't  s<-(  fire  to  the  Tl, 

Then'  onci'  was  a  caustic  TJ.A. 
\Vho  painti-d  jjraml  Lulies  all  day  ; 
To  hid\ 

He  apj-'ared  a>  a  l«oon  ; 
t  )f  the  rest,  when  he  liked,  he  made  hay. 

A  wonderful  athlete  called  M 
r,.,k.-d  .-aliluiKe  iii  forty-four  stylea; 
The  result  of  this  fad 

\Va-  exaaeding)]  Kid  : 

.1  \\   I  lot  I  |i  lia-  a  i-i.rinT  ill  -luiloo. 

i.-rr  wa-  .1  V..IIIIK  Hi  KHIiollM  name.l  M  v\ 
For  telegram-  :    "  Hntwiu:'!.  ' 
Though  ileinnre  and  di-i  i.  '-I. 

!  IM.I.I-.  In-  -hoiil.  I  . 
•icil  turned  into  an  axe. 

There     was    once    a    IWc-^.r     named 

I,'  M  i  ii.  M. 
\Yho\vith  SiivK-l'i.M.T.^rew  awfully  pally; 

When  they  a^ked  SILVI  , 

His  (ipinion.  Kiid  ho: 
'Tint-  r-.t  is  cxcee<lin«ly  Iwlly." 


ITNCII,   (lit   Till-:  LONDON  CHAIMVAKI.     M\Y  15,  1907. 


NO  CLASS. 

CHOKUS  OF  Iitisu  TEititiKiis.  "CALL  THAT  THING  A  DOG?    WE  CALL  IT  A  TOY." 


MAY  15,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK    LONDON    ( 'MAIM  VAIM. 


355 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTKACTKII  KlinM  TIIK   IMlliY  (IK  TnllY,   M.I'. 


nf     LI  in  I  x,   Milllilill/,    Mill/    II.         A 

great    gathering  to  hear  debate  on  ]iro- 

poeed  refomt  ot  House.  Interest  intemae. 
When  XKWTON  ruse  to  move  second 
reading  of  his  Hill  yon  might,  as  S\I;K 
said,  almost  have  heard  an  apple  fall. 
Tlio  noble  lord's  great  ancestor's  dis- 
covery of  the  I  -aw  of  (  !ra  vital  ion  nothing 

compared  with   this  audacious  attempt 

to  improve   the   perfected.      ]  touches  on 

floor    filled    willi    crowd    of   dimensions 

rarely    seen.     Lidies    in    bright    spring 

frocks        garlanded 

the    galleries.      (  hi 

I  he     steps     of     the 

Throne      stood       a 

group      of      Privy 

Councillors    trying 

to  look   as  if   they 

had   no  expectation 

of  being  presently, 

under    C.-B.'s    pat- 

ronage,   invited    to 

step  down  and  lake 

charge  of   business 

in  the  I/irds. 

Sad  to  obs< 
how  evil  communi- 
cations corrupt 
good  manners. 
Peers,  left  to  them- 
selves, preserve  air 
and  attitude  of 
equable  dignity 
which,  if  a  tri  Mo- 
duli, is  at  least 
respectable.  To- 
night Xi:\\]o\,  who, 
as  he  shamelessly 
mentioned,  once  sat 
in  the  Commons, 
was  almost  flippant 
in  his  references 
to  the  august 
assembly  to  which, 
by  the  operation 
of  that  very  prin- 
ciple of  heredity 
ho  assailed,  lie 
was  permitted  to 

ascend,  lie  went  so  far  as  to  allude 
to  the  MAHQLIS  OF  LONDONDERRY  as  "a 
middle-aged  gilded  eagle,"  a  liberty 
which  made  the  blue  I.I  .....  I  of  VlSOOUNT 
(  Voss  boil  in  his  veins.  It  was  well  for 
Ni  \\  rox  that,  lightly  turning  to  describe 
as  "a  sort  of  political  derelict  "  Scotch 
Peers  not  co-opted  to  Parliament,  he  did 
not  see  the  spectacled  face  turned  upon 
him  with  expression  of  pained  reproof. 

These  things  taking  place  in  the  green 
tnv  to  the  left  of  the  Woolsack,  the 
expected  happened  in  the  dry  t  ree  oppo- 
site. The  Conservative  .Lord  Xi:\vrox 
having  gibed  at  his  Peers,  the  Liberal 
Earl  of  ('m:\vi-:  pleasantly  mocked  at 
them.  Drew  a  vivid  picture  of  the 


majority  of  peers  as  a  Hock  of  sheep, 
blindly  following  that  bell-wether  Lord 
I, \\SIKI\V\I-:  as  he  lightly  hopped  over 
non-aggressive  ditches  or  nnaccc  mutably 
dashed  through  gaps  in  the  hedge 
leading  no  whither.  A  Ml'imi.t.  so  in- 
eeii:-ed  by  this  frivolity  that  presently 
he  bubbled  over  in  speech  protesting 
against  ( 'm:\vi-:'s  "  contemptuous  tone  of 
reassurance  almost  insulting  to  your 
Lordships'  house." 

Comfort  the  Mouse  of  Ixirds  with 
assurance  that  nothing  desperately  bad 
should  happen  to  it!  Might  as  well 
console  the  Great  Globe  with  promise 


CHAPLIN 


ON  THE  KNEE. 

Rt.  lion.  11-nrtj  Clt-ji-n  to  Minx  \VinMcdon — 

"  Hid  me  to  livo  and  1  will  live 

For  Preference — and  llirr  !  " 

that  nothing  shall  to-morrow  stand  in 
the  way  of  its  revolving  on  its  axis. 

Commoners  looking  on  from  pens 
above  Bar  shocked  at  this  strong 
language.  Almost  expected  to  hear  the 
cry  of  "  Caw  !  Caw !  "  rise  from  rookery 
below  Gangway.  Even  feared  the  angry 
shout  of  "  JUDAS  !  "  might  ring  forth 
with  tumultuous  consequences.  1  lappily 
on  approach  of  midnight  the  white 
robed  figure  of  the  PHIM.VIE  hovered 
over  the  scene  moving  adjournment  of 
debate.  Effect  instantaneous.  Some 
noble  lords  instinctively  bent  forward  in 
devotional  attitude.  After  a  moment's 
pause  the  congregation  rose  and  quietly 
dispersed. 


(/one.      Second     reading    of 
ll"u,c  of  l»rds  Ill-form  Hill  mo\ed. 

HIIIIHI'  nf  (  'illinium*,  'J'licxiliii/.  The 
Commons  took  their  turn  tonight. 
Benches  thronged  in  anticipation  of  iulro- 

dncli I' what  Ministers  modestly  call  the 

Irish  Administrative  Council   Hill.      Be- 
neath its  mn tiler  l"n ion ists  spy  the  pcard 
of  Home  Rule,  and  name  the  Bill  accord- 
ingly.    Expectation,    raised   to    highest 
pitch,  early  chilled  by  discourse  inform- 
ing but  d'ull.     ST.  AUGUSTINE  seems  to 
have  omitted  that  preliminary  walk  in 
Battersea  Park,  effect  of  which  brightened 
many  passages  in  his  maiden  Ministerial- 
ist speech  exponnd- 
I         ing  Education  Bill. 
Before  half  an  hour 
had    sped,    he   lost 
his  hold  on  attent  ion 
of  crowded  House, 
which     visibly 
thinned  as  he  went 
into  details  of  con- 
stitution     of      the 
Council. 

Possibly  this  only 
the  art  of  artless- 
ness.  Hon.  gentle- 
men opposite  had 
lashed  themselves 
into  fury  in  antici- 
pation of  a  new 
Home  RuleBill  such 
as  Mr.  (!.  in  a  past 
century  expounded, 
standing  on  the 
very  spot  pressed 
by  the  foot  of  ST. 
An;rsTiNE,  thump- 
ing the  Box  on 
which  he  languidly 
leaned  and  almo.t 
yawned.  Nothing 
of  the  sort.  The 
Bill  now  in  hand  is 
a  humdrum  affair, 
in  point  of  national 
importance  rising 
not  higher  than 
constitution  of  a 
County  Council. 
Eloquence  would 
Display  of  passion 

misleading.  So  ST.  AUGUSTINE  hummed 
and  drummed  along  through  the  slow 
moments  of  an  hour  and  a  half,  occasion- 
ally getting  fogged  by  tho  way  in  the 
intricacies  of  finance,  showing  some  un- 
certainty as  to  whether  Armagh  was  to 
contribute  three  members  to  the  Council 
and  Cavan  one,  or  whether  'twas  t'other 
way  about. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR  gave  new  turn  to  affairs 
by  delivery  of  one  of  the  most  brilliant 
essays  in  destructive  criticism  the  still 
young  Parliament  has  listened  to. 
Necessarily  the  speech  was  impromptu, 
opportunity  of  work  in  study. 


be  out  of  place. 


No 


Following  straightway  on  completion  of 


••'• 


Cmtr 


1TV  II     <>|;    TIIK    l.nNlinN    <  'II  AIM  V  AIM. 


i:.. 


!"•  had 


form  h«  judgment,  phrase  hia  sentence. 
as  be  went  along.     Once  or  twice  be 
I  over   figuwa,  wilh  wboae  icy 

...    .     .  ....    ,  .i!..         \\ 

000  or  £30,000 

wliat  additional  subscription  from  tho 
r  wan  to  go  in  excess  of  the 
I  wo  million—  "was  it  two  million?" 
the  estimated  o*t  of  Irish  Administra- 
undor  existing  system.  Also  be 
uncertain  as  to  the  nunila-r  of  the 
.oil  nnd  the  proportion  between 
nominated  and  elected  members.  Tbeae 
trifles,  not  obstructing  the  flow  .,f 
soorn  f»r  the  whole  muddled 
nor  olim-uring  tho  glitter  of 
the  rapier  that  a  score  of  times  pinked 
the  haplcM  Minister  in  charge  of  Hill. 

Humiff  '•  '     "ineil     Hill 

introduced  in  ('ominous.     Ixmls  appotal 

•  11  msidcr  proposals   for 

putting  their  House  in  order. 

Friday  nintil.  "  I'olitii-.d  life."  sighed 
"would  be  endunihlo  only  for  the 
House  of  I»rds.  After  Whitsuntide  I 
rrally  must  take  'tin  in  hand.  Mean- 
while norne  nre  making  it  r.ilher  Imt 
for  mo  Worst  of  it  is  they  are  my 
own  men,  innocent  of  evil  design  as 
babe*  unUmi." 

This  emotion  wns  displayed  at  ni'l  of 
week  through  which  <  !OMTIIIIII.|I|  have 
been  daily  peppered  in  the  matter  ol 
PotTKMonn  ami  his  exigi-ant  tenant,  the 
lf<U>  ClMuraiKl-Mv  and  tin-  M  Until".  II 


.Ueagues.     The  affair  of  i!  • 


|«.pp«-r  l-.-v  were  shaken  exclusively  from 
Opposition  IV-nches,  no  complaint  wouhl 
lie  made.  HusineM  of  an  Opposition 
IK  i,i  ,.p|.M».  Worst  of  it  is  that  the 
faithful  show  thenttdvea  aynipatheti< 
with  the  aggressors.  In  fact  it  was 
Uberal  who  opened  campaign  against 

:     Sn-RETAEY     FOB     WAE,     distant 


in    tin-    line  of    tlie 
A'-IO\   SWKK   Avirp'S  who 

ilnive    M 
inl"     the    opflin    of 


indo  is  much 
D0g-lnmenie.l 
ly  analogous 
arge  -  headed 

'.dministr.ition. 
Hut  then-  il  is.  and.  though 
cally  a  small  thing.  d.K-s  the  Ministry 
more  hann  than  would  accrue  from 
lunger  laclie*. 

'f*   tlonf.  -    Second  reading   of 
)ld-Age  Pensions  Hill. 


A    SPRING    POET. 

A  -IMII.K  Iwrd  of  Nature  I, 

Whoso  vernal  Muse  delights  to  i-hant 
I'l  .....  lijtvts  of  the  earth  ami  sky. 
I'lie  thinpi  that  walk,  the  things  that  fly, 
And  tliose  that  ran't. 

I  paint  the  mild  idyllic  scene 

When  HOIX;E  alisorlis  his  decent  grub, 
Ami  SiiiKPiHix.  pastorally  r!i-an, 
Cavorts  with  I'MYIJ  is  on  the  green, 
Or  in  the  pub. 

The  "softly  sweet"  ."Kolian  hreeze 

zephyr)  shares  my  dainty  Bong 
With  murmurous  brooks  and  humming 

bees; 

And  on  the  foliage  of  trees 
I  come  out  strong  ; 

'The  showery  poplar  and  the  pine  ; 

The  sylvan  monarch's  kingly  DOUgha  ; 
Hriglit  chestnuts,  in  whoso  shade  reclilH 
l-'.it  sho«'p  and  comfortable  kine, 
Not  to  say,  ctjxvs). 

I  sing  of  bud,  and  hlixini,  anil  Innver, 
Of  hedgerows  musical  with  birds; 
The  common  or  the  garden  flower 
Adorns  my  numltfrs  with  a  power 
(If  lovely  words. 


.illude<l    to  nt   Question    time  as   "the 
noble  landlord." 

Natural  enough  that  tant-rulottf  Lore 
ROBOT  <  'MM  -Ir.iild  from  the  other  sid< 
of  HotiM*  keep  the  ball  a-rolling.     Hi 
liatrrd  of  rUuM  domination,  his  sympathy 
with  the  truant  faniw-r,  are  born  inntincts 
mltivatnl  under  winy  of  warm  fiynipa 
thiea.  QuiteanotherthingtohavelCadir:i 
Borough  Member  wanting  to  know  in 
interestaof  Lii--r.il  Party  ho\v  long  the 
offending  landlord  will  remain  "a  Mem- 
l.-r  of  thiM  democrat  ie  <  iovernmrat  'f  " 

Cloae  on  top  of  thin  intrm*i(-illy  non- 
pMtrntial  but  distinctly  emhnrr 
incident  comes  the  edict  forbidding 
revival  of  Mikado.  When  l/*n>  CHAM- 
BOUjkiK  waa  still  with  us  in  the  Commons, 
known  as  pUin  —  of  course  the  word  is 
not  nsed  as  mgnifying  lai  k  of  decorative 


And  tlniB  from  Spring's  perennial  store 

I  fashion  songs  for  your  delight  ; 
And,  tho'  it  's  all  Iwen  done  before, 
There  's  always  lots  of  room  for  more  ; 
So  t  hat  's  all  right. 

For  those  an-  themes  that  never  fail 

To  bid  the  poet's  heart  rejoi 
And.  of  all  things  of  hill  or  dale, 
•  ii\e  me  the  g««id  old  Nightingale, 

1  think,  for  cl.  Dim-Dun 


ea  -  BOBBT 


be  blunhingly 


aisdaimed  the  distinction  of  being  an 
agricultural     labourer.  I    was 

regarded  as  a  n  •  ••••-••  ami 

world,  i  f.ir  out  of 

his  wsy  ti  .  on  himself  aiul 


(In 


CIMCKKT  I;I:FMI;M. 

I)KAR  MB.  1VKCH,  —  Now  that 
Cricket  season  is  in  our  midst. 
sportsmen  of  oil  classes  arc  (-.illing  fo 
n-form  in  certain  dcpiirtments  of  tli 
game,  and  nowhere,  I  think,  is  in 
necessity  nion.  :i|.|..in-i:t  tli.  in  in  th 
procedure  which  mark*  tin-  return 
batamen  to  the  l'.i\  ilion  at  the 
of  thi-ir  innings.  Surely  it  i-  :i  .-hoi 
sighted  |  allow  a  ]*>|.ul: 

•\in.ikiT    to     siridi-    rapidly     froi 
pilch  to  I'avilion.  lini-hing  up  at  a  rut 


id  thus  deprive  a  genep'iisly  paying 
iiblic  of  a  suitable  op]-.Munn 

•carding  their  bero-wonhip. 

(  In   the  other  hand.  ho\\,  rOT  appr.vi.i 
i  ].ublic  ne\..r 

ants  to  hit  a  man  when  he  is  down. 
ud  I  am  only  voicing  a  national 
eniand  when  I  say  that  a  period  should 
»•  put  to  the-  sufferings  of  the  blob 
iaki-r,  who  under  present  conditions 

m-t  cross  that  interminable  i-tn-tch 
»tween  tin  '•  -<^-bision. 

eeking  jiainfully  to  ilisguise  his  torture 
nder  a  sickly  smile. 

I    therefore    pp.poso    that    every    liig 

•  •scorteil   fnmi   the   wick- 
w.i  officials   in  uniform    m«t 
mbulancv   men     and    re.jiiired  to  make 

circuit   of  the  ground   just   in-ido  tin- 
halts    U-ing    Ki-.isioiially     made 
..r  the  benelit  of  amateur  photOgnpafln. 
•dy   will   tliis  enable  --p.Tl:r 
into     j«T~onal     touch      with     their 
leroes.  but  it  will  cure  the  nervou-.n.—. 
if  the  incoming  batsman,  who.  mil 
iv   tho  cniwd,  may  liit   out  at   once  with 
nd    freedom.      I  also   pr.>p">e   that 
i  man   who  gels  out  before  hi-  .  \<-  i>  in 
hould     IK-     gently     c.nidiictnl     by     the 
Hiwler's  umjiire  to  a  tnrf-coven-d  trap 
loor    situated    under    cover    ]-.iut.    and 
lii-re  <lrop|Kil  into  an  electrically  lighted 
subterranean   passage  lending   fn-m   tho 
•ublicity  of  the  pitch   to  the   privacy  of 
lie  I'avilion. 

I  -p.-ak  feelingly  about  lx>th  of  these 

reforms,  as    1    n.-v.-r  soon-  anything  l>c- 
\MvnDand  1<H.I.     Yours  oUilieiitly. 
on  N..IHIM;. 


TO  A  LA1>Y 
On  Ix-ing  reqorated  to  correct  her  vent*. 

Klilt.Vlir  the  metre  : 

Krnim-ou-.  the  rhyme  ; 
Tlie  form  might  IK-  m-ator, 

And  fi-.iter  the-  tii 
And  yet  your  -  s  could  hardly 

be  sweeter, 

Though  i«ilished  in  in. 
And  p.-ifei-t  iii  rh; 

I  will  no'  horn 

As  if  they  were  prose  J 
To  .-..Idly  di—ecl  them 

Were  rending  a  rose. 
Approved  by  the  (Iraees,  my  Muse   lnu-t 

protect    them. 
And  irill  mil  correct  them 

f  they  \\ero  pniae. 


A    PAHIKllc    i-nip-iiry    in    Tlif 
runs  as  foil 

"  IkA'r  Yor  KNOW 

that   then-   are   scarcely   any   wild   gold 
left    in  Kngland  ?"      to  which,  as 
an  ansu. i 

_•  to  n-ply  that    we  were  clnised   |.\ 
one  only  yi-slerday. 


MAY  15,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


357 


ROYAL    ACADEMY    PICTURES  -  RE-VARNISHED. 


"SS 


Mr.  Max  Beerbohm  pays  a  morning  call  on  Mrs.  Chepe-Chintz.     WALTER  H.  RUSSELL.  The  New  Sikh  Coiffure.      Why  not  carry  it  a  littl 

further  after  studying  No.  390  ?  G.  A .  STOREY,  A  .R .  A . 


1 


Lord  Ant-hill,  G.C.S.I.  ALBERF H.  COI.I.INQS.  An  Wand  Festival ;  or,  The  Expulsion  of  Living^Statuary  from  linunn.  ,.„ 


1U07.     C.  SIMS. 


o 


4 
^ 

iB 
1 1 


'  Halo,  Halo,  Halo !  A  different  '  Maid  ' 

iiiiii !  "   .IKSMF  .MACC 


An  Acute  Cii.se  of  Wistaria ;   or,  A  Neat 

Tiling  in  Bummer  Trouserings.     DAVID 

MURRAY,  R.A. 


An  Anatomical  Study.  The  Spiral  Column 
JOHN  S.  SAHOEKT,  1!..\. 


PUNCH, 


TIIK 


.  ||  \|;|\  \i;i. 


i:,. 


i;n  JON. 


-•-.:.        • 

Bu,  HUck   AMI 

.    .. 

hi*  or  IcoJmy.] 


c.  wkirhf., 

'    .  • 

UN  «orJ.  ol  -BM.  B 


SOME  talk  of  KEAIB'  or  SHELLEY  'a  fame, 

U  Inl.   there  an-  .  .1  hera  who  engrave  on 
The  tablet-  .  I  their  hearts  the  name 

<  if  Arum,  or  th< 
Karh  to  hw  tarte  ;  hut  each  nian  k 

:ics  ih.il 

His  feeling  boBom  quilt-  hkt  those 

I'M  rlixni.-  ili.it   thrill.  -d   him  wh.-n  a 

,    .  -••  • 

All.  then  we  gatucnii  Nuts  and  M 

:  never  thought  Misn  Muffct  rhiMi-li 
is<>  she  left  IIIT  i-unls  an<l  whey 
i  Which  was  1111*1  probably  a  vile  di-h  . 
Ami  no  one  dared  to  !,•  -.i.it.- 

In  those  deor,  distant  days,  to  dub 

rd" 
The  gifted  author  of  that  great 

I  >ramatic  fragment     Mrs.  Hul.Uird. 

Hn-athcs  then-  a  man  with  soul  so  <li-.ul. 

With  check  so  destitute  of  dimple. 
Who  has  not  chuckled  as  he  read 

Of    Simon     who    was    surnomed 


ipm  e'er  ga/ol  with  arhing  eyes 
Int..  a  glowing  cirque  of  cinders, 
And  not  e\|«vt<>d  there  would  rise 
The  troubled  shade  of  Tolly  Flinders? 

How  often  in  the  midst  of  strife 

H.ixc  i-hiMreii  suddenly  grown  quiet, 
To  lii-.ir  of  Mr.  Sprat!    and  \\ 

And  their  i»-culiar  taste  in  diet  ! 
And  e'en  in.it  urer  folks  limy  find 

(When    temper  and    the   gout    get 

clmuiic) 
Tom  Tucker  soothing  to  the  mind, 

Boy  Blue  an  inexpensive  tonic  ! 

And   so,  though  things  sometimes  go 
world  seems  "quit. 


wrong, 

all  tin 


And 

trnry.' 
Solace  await-  YOU  in  the  Song 

<  'f  Sixpence  or  of  MiMrcwi  Mary  : 
Then,  howsoe'er  your  poor  inside 
May  threaten,  or  your  temples  tin..  I. 

you'll 

ItadofBo-Pr.  II  rv  Itid. 

And  need  no  more  the  patent  glol.nl.-  ' 


"  In  •  c-rruin  Wmt  African  IMW*  town.  n-.< 
•  Kiwi  way  fn»i  irotormlr  of 

/MixiUr.  (km  eznU  »  tew  miln  ,4  railr.n.l 
tr»-k.  (*ft  grown   «itii   brrl»gr   »»1    Iropioil 


i~    tin-    l--.'iniiiiig   nf    a    telling 

ill.il    "  wllell    the 

life   nr.-   .  .ill    for  tlie 

.1  it  is  tin-  gentleman's  geography 
which  seems  to  have  got  cogged.     > 

.    -    i-..-.  - 


•!'K    SHAKSIT.Ai: 

vl.  III. r.  II..  l.y  SllVKsni 
and     ItoMOrniAi 

(ianlen   la  -i.-  a    full   ami 

(no  <l"iil.t     ili-tingnished   lioii^.- ;    Imlol 

nil    the    |«-..ple   who  I  IHTH   llirl. 

I     Ilk.  ll.n.k     ..f     Ml       I  I  .  I        

Mr.  TltKK,  hark  from  llie  Katln-rl.in.l. 
\\.i-  he  in  a  lk.\.  I  wonder,  or  in  miifli 
in  the  gjili  o.nld  he  ha\e  il 

tilled  Illln-eif  i|<-rluip>!  a^  the  little  . 
t;.-iitl.-iii.ill  who  ;vit  lie\l  to  n>. 
liorro\\c«l  my  j.nigniiiinie?  Wh. 
he  WOS,  lie  Mulled,  I  '11  I..-  Kiiind.  a-  IM- 

murmured  to  himself  the  immotta]  wnrd> 
of  the  Cerinan  rrities:  "'i'his  is  nc,i  •. 

SlIVkM-KAIIK." 

rersonally.   having    nev.T  -trained  at 
Mr.  TI:I:K  at  His  Majesty's.  1  had  no  hesi 
tat  ion  in  swallowing  Nimi.M  and  I 
THAL  at  ( 'ovi-nt  (ianlen.    Not  only  i, 


M;  THE  WAHIIING.     ONE  CVtuiB  SHOBT. 
Hi-rr  Zador  as  ford. 

lalioii.bnt  very  keen  enjoyment.  Xowthat 
the  Mik<i<l'>  is  banisheil  we  want  a  new 
comic  opera  Kidly.  ]  hr  l.ti«t'n/,-»  UYiVi.T 
can  offend  nobody  except,  jxissibly. 
the  park-kec|.cr  at  Winds.. r,  who  may 
ibject  that  his  moon  doesn't  really  n-.- 
80  ostentatiously  a-  one  would  judge 
from  the  last  True,  it  is  in 

( i. -rinan  ;  but,  after  all,  noun-  of  the 
wonls  are  nearly  the  same,  and  one-has 
lli. -add.il  excitement  of  look  ing  out  for 
them.  In  fact,  the  little  old  gentleman 
in. I  I  could  hardly  k.-ep  our  seats  when 

SO   wiv«    got    to    the   signal, 
their  1.  ~./,..FI  /•',</ 

II.  i  r   KvOpPEK  was  an  admiral-l 
•/'»,    ill  k.-  up.    and    .. 

lien)  woil 

/   w.i-   .Inxing   him 
ut  tl,-  i  a  witch.     He  and   U.- 

'•"••/  i  !ii..  the  -pirit  of  the 

|.lay      Kr.nilein  l«-ing    delight 

fully  naliinil  ai  though  she  did 

igh  very  w.ll.     She  was  much  the 


of    the  I  i. in    Ton  i 

at    lii<  indi-iiin  I.    and    the    old 

:,•>  hilemaii    and    I    missed    several 

in  tins  way.      Tin-  l-'i-iitmi  i  if  Ili-ir 

.1  i  :       d  finished  a 

•>(     w.'ik    a-    the    l.i. -utenaiil 
AM\|"H|V   of   .Mr.    H\M.IV   ('oHiv;   while 
II.  ii      BECHBTKIS      had     a     -i.ipri-in_: 
.  N  n      [f  h<   would 

t.iki'    a    hint    from    me    1    Mould    nil 

'  the  next    perforinan. .-   he   -hould 
a-k  /-'.//-/.i  Hi. il.-  l.i.  in.  nl  , 

why  they  eall  ).; 

1 
ll   Would   IIIIIIL;  down  the  houae.  M 


N  sri;  MI;I;. 

Is    it    llond    Slrii't.    this     l..ng.    bii-.y 
in    which    I    find    my -elf?      Tin- 
am!    the    names     ,,ver    them    are 
reminiscent   of    |K.H.|    Stnvt.  and   x.  are 
the      passers  by     and      the     crowds    of 
sho].|.ers.      lint    no     then-   is  a  bright- 
ness  and   a    clearness    e\.-r\  win-re    thai 
is    not   of    Itond    Street.      And    the   ,iir! 

All,     Could      lioll. I     Street      e\.-r.     e\ell     ill 

those  remote  days   when    it   was   neigh- 

Ixmral  by  lields  and  hedgerow*,  when, 

iii  short.  Hid  Itond  Street  \\.i.s  Young 
Hunl  Sln^'t  and  won-  wx-ks  and  a 
pinafore.  l«>a~l  a  breath  so  sweet  and 
fresh  as  this  ?  Then,  this  big  restaurant, 
where  crowds  are  quiring  in  to  lunch, 
and  pouring  OUt,  barring  lnnchi-d,  and 
farther  on,  over  the  way.  thai 
I  heal  n-.  with  its  long  matin. '-c  .|iieue 
waiting  patienth  to  wilm  —.  as  the  Im^e 
hills  outside  inform  me.  "The  IIHMIII, 
performance  of  '/'//»•  '.'i;-/  /"/•'./»  \<nrlit  •;•<•." 
When-  am  I?  Shall  I  a-k  the  |«iinl- 
l-oliceinan  iu-ar  by.  and  end  my  su- 
Shall  1  buy  one  of  ihe-e 
t-vcning  j.apers,  with  the  first  edition 
if  which  the  newslxivs  are  running  by  ''. 
N'o.  !>•!  me  try  to  solve  the  mv-t.-ry 
maided. 

I  meant  to  go  to  New  York.  Hut  this 
is  certainly  not  New  York.  \..r  i-  it 

l/.ndon.      From   time  to   tin.. 
Iain  conscious  of  a  slight    trembling  of 
the  ground.      Caul    by  any  chance  have 

an  earthquake  region  ''. 

;  -.int- 
[xilieeman,    for    unconsciouHh     I    ha\e 

my    perple\itii-s    aloud. 
lin't   in   no  earth. |iiake   region,  nor  you 
lin't    in    no  lived    region    n<  ilher.      I'.ni 
if   you  care  to  walk.  .    of   these 

ere  autotavicabs.  for  a  ijuarli-r  of   a  mile 
.n  llmt   direclion  and  then   turn  to 
!>••  I.  ii  yon  I  the  sea." 

And  with  that  i  awoke.  And  licfore 
ne  was  lying  an  account  of  the  launch 
'I  the  l.ile-t  Allan!  le  Inoli-ler. 


Tin:   .loi  I.AM  ••  .  I  i.,. I.,    i- 

il.-o|ni.|\     de.,,1     and     i-     daily    gelling 

•eiation  telegram  in 
\.ij.n-c  l*,iilij  Teleyraph. 


MAY  15,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


359 


A  BLANK  DAY. 

(Ui'inij  an  attempt  to  fill  a  column  or  so  of 
"  1'inn-h"  in  Ike  manner  of  tluit  erjiert 
rricltftfr  "  l.incmnnii.") 

Tin:  weather  is  the  supreme  arbiter  ol 
d-ickct.  This  or  that  batsman  may  1» 
a  contributory  factor  to  material  success, 
but  lie  is  only  an  incidental  in  the  great 
gamut  of  things.  Yesterday  it  rained 
throughout  the  country,  and  the  man  in 
the  pavilion  became  the  leading  figure 
on  the  stage,  the  deus  ex  machina  ol 
cricketdom.  The  people's  "  TOM  "  no 
longer  delighted  the  Oval  crowd  with 
bis  finesse  and  diablerie ;  he  had  become 
Mr.  T.  llAYW.utDof  Kcnnington.  This  is 
of  the  very  essence  of  the  national  game. 
The  Hook  cf  Holland. 

I  lad  play  been  possible  HOLLAND  would 
have  gone  in  third  wicket  down  as  usual. 
This  HOI.I.AM>  is  the  gentleman  among 
professional  batsmen.  There  is  no 
implication  here  against  his  fellows ;  it 
is  merely  a  question  of  style.  This  tall, 
well-made  HOLLAND  has  all  the  graces  of 
your  PALAIRKP  or  JACKSON.  He  is  the 
champagne  of  cricket,  as  HAYWARD  is  the 
port.  He  is  the  Perseus  of  the  side. 
In  the  last  match  he  made  three. 
Figures,  after  all,  do  not  show  every- 
thing. 

Limitation  of  Stitistics. 

If  rain  militates  against  practicality,  it 
makes  at  least  for  the  theoretical.  '\Ve 
have  leisure  to  consider  new  possibilities, 
where  otherwise  we  should  merelv  be 
oppressed  by  the  immanence  of  the 
actual.  Had  Surrey  beaten  Yorkshire 
w<-  should  have  been  overwhelmed  by 
the  particular,  and  the  appreciation  of 
what  a  victory  portends  in  general 
would  have  been  lacking.  A  win  by  an 
innings  and  300  runs  counts  one  point. 
A  win  by  one  run  counts  one  point. 
This  is  to  give  one  run  the  face  value 
of  three  hundred,  together  with  all  the 
inherent  possibilities  of  eleven  per- 
sonalities. Figures,  after  all,  are  the 
raw  material. 

An  Eleven. 

Here  are  a  team  of  H's  from  three 
counties  only. 


K.  L.  HUTCHINCS, 
HcMriiiiF.vs, 
HUISH, 
HAYWARD, 

H0HB8, 


HOLLAND, 
HAYES, 
Lord  HAWKE, 

MlRST, 

HAIGH, 
EDITOR. 

It  is  a  question  whether  HUISH  or 
HOOTER  would  keep  wicket.  The  bowl- 
ing would  be  in  the  hands  of  HAIGH, 
HIHST,  and  HUMPHREYS,  and  LORDHAWKK 
would  captain  the  side.  It  might  be  a 
good  idea  for  this  eleven  to  play  the  rest 
"I  England  on  behalf  of  some  charity. 
X<>  doubt  the  M.t'.C.  will  consider  the 
suggestion.  Given  fine  weather  the 
game  should  prove  an  enjoyable  one. 


"UNE    AUTRE    PAIRE    OE    SOUUERS." 

Interpreter.  "  An,  ZE  NEW  SHOOS  !      IT  is  TO  PAY  DUTY." 
Virile  Lady  (who  is  conveying  them  to  friend  abroad).   "  Nono  !    NONO !     JE 
THEY  ARE  NOT  NEW.     1  'VE  WORN  THEM  !  " 


NE   PAYS   PAR ! 


Unjust  Justice. 

We  were  speaking  just  now  of  the 
anomalies  of  the  present  scoring  method. 
Here  is  another  case  emerging  from  the 
statistics  of  last  week.  HAYWAHD  un- 
luckily cut  a  ball  into  his  wicket,  and 
retired  for  0.  As  a  chronicle  for  pos- 
«rity  this  reads,  "HAYWARD,  b. HEARNE, 0." 
Later  on  in  the  day  STRUDWICK  was 
completely  beaten  by  the  same  bowler. 
The  inexorable  record  is,  "  STRUDWICK, 
3.  HEARNE,  0."  The  score-sheet  is  not 
lescriptive,  it  is  merely  statistical.  Here 
ive  have  two  batsmen  of  very  different 
calibre  dismissed,  one  on  his  merits, 
.he  other  by  the  interposition  of  Fate. 
Yet  to  the  future  generation  all  that 


will  eventuate  will  be  the  cold  fact  that 
each  was  bowled  for  an  ignominious 
nought.  The  scorer  is  no  respecter  of 
persons.  He  holds  the  scales,  personi- 
fying blind  Justice.  Motive  and  indi- 
vidualities are  as  nothing  to  him.  He 
sees  the  end  only,  not  the  means ;  the 
result,  not  the  intention. 


Commercial   Candour. 
TIIE  EVILS  OF  TIGHT  LACING. 

"  Dear  Sire, — Will  you  please  send  me,  on 

receipt  of  this,  one  pair  of  ' '  Corsets.     I 

want  no  other.  I  have  worn  a  pair  for  nearly 
two  years,  and  only  one  bone  broken."-  -Natal 
Utrotery, 


... 


PUNCH,    MI;    TIIK    l.«'\!>n\    r||\|;iV\IM. 


Mn    I.'..   I '.HIT. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Mr.  I'unrh't  H.iff  -\f  /,-.irn.-./  I  'l-'Hu.) 


ii-i/fc  mi    I/ 
of   lli. 


llic    map    and   end    liy   d»iilrtiii£   if    any 
Mich    furs  -i.-d   "i    >t'-«l  to   that.   / 

lli.it   ill.-  reader   ni:i>  doulit    lli"  . -x  idcnce  i.f  a  mere  map.  lint 
,(  I,,  IVIM.I-.I  I     '  lion   lie  doesn't  deserve 

i.-hine;    llic   price,  I   am   I 

with  .1  -in. ill    :  I'll-1   p.i|H-r   wrap]  in  1 


S/i.nr   i<'ox*TA»— 

disgra.-. -I  himself  that  Mr.  Snxx\  has  d  nipped  that  jKirt  of  his 

„,  nnmistakaMe  fair  round  print,  bul   within  I  find 

reprint,-.!  did  ,  '   l'!'"   "'''.'    -Mr.   M' BRAY'^complitueuta  and    " 

ntnl  I 

I  eonf.-ws.  1  did  not  propose  to  make  the  experiment. 

I    inl.iid.-d  I  •  k    up   a   few  criticisms  on    i 

rwl  a*  ha'ving  inure  particularly  pleas*-.!  or 


i..  n-eall  what    Mr    SHX»    li.nl 
said  of  llwni.     In  tl  !   .-\.-ry  hue  •  •!   tl ••• 

It  mm  linary  tribute,  and  should  eonlent  ••\>-n   Mr. 

Si\«.  wli.Hi'  opinion  nf  his  »\\n   work,  like  /Vn'«.  "  is  huh, 

...I.      .  1      »    .    "  *!*.-..  .1      i  1 .    .  I         I  . . .       '  '    .1  tu^li-vrrttUM]  fi  il* 


Sir.   «  Tnif  thai    he 

rint,  giving  American  piratical 

.-uteri 

I    ill  ii    lie    ln-lii-ve.1   :i|- 

!.      Nor   \\.i-    il.      II'- 
h.M    my   |*Tini  —  i"ii   to   n-pul)li>h   all 
ther  criiicirtnw  tB  well,  only    I 
should  like  him  to  dim-aril  Mr.  ,!\MI> 
II'  Mkt.K.  wlm  iutlictj-  mi   ii-  a  rather 
iii.iifler.iMe    "wnnl"    alont    him   in 
i-*'.    and    to    read    ln>    pn«>l- 
fnr  hiiM--lf  :   I  am  sure  he  uill  enjov 
them.     The  plea-lire  one  h.i-  in  r--.nl 
ing  i  he  volumes    is  evidence  that. 
•JIM-II   a  uriti-r  with   a  cl.-ar.  |- 
and  original  \i.-w  ami  a   working   in 
^eii.-e.  lii-  siilij.vl.  however  trivial 
,.r    -.lit     of     date.    do-K    n<4     matter 
\er>    much       ^'.-t   olln-r  eritit-s   must 
aU'Hl    following   the    ex 
ample.      "Hail    it    any  l»i-n    lull   he  " 
.   .   .  the  qualities   I    have  mentioned 
are    n«t    eonuiNin.     A    thinn   which 

lu-l|m  to  keep  th.-s*1  err 
-  the  luiiiliniiiii-  and  geniality 
of  them,  the  sly  appreciation  of  ..(her 
l-.ini- of  \i..\v.  Them  in.  no  doubt, 
a  great  deal  of  over  statement,  a 
tiling  inevitable  in  \vii-kly  polemioi 
--  Mr.  Hn.iw  was  alwayn  fighting 
•mnebody,  from  >M»K-II:AHK  to  Mr. 
1 1  MI  i 'MM  and  a  little  humour  is 
thi-n-fore  nqnind  in  the  reader: 
bkwnl  with  that,  he  will  enjoy  hini- 


npologimt* "    for 


I  K>ok  i>  ('•    "      A-   the  llx   I. 

ioiil't   the  smaller  jiri.-e  is  th  hut 

the  higher  li^nre  would  not  U-  a  i«-imy  loo  much. 

In  n  Coined)    to  IM-  distinguished   from  a  liy   it.s 

happy   cndin- V      Mr.  X  VM.XMI.I.  thinks   not      in  lact.  ih. 

of     1  .    l',,i,,,,ti,  .-      II .:-.!•!  \s-.     .i!.U    with    a    su;. 

I1  .  i   i  I  >\\ii>  cried.     '  Youre  is  the  must  liunini 


fate  of   .,11" 


LOST. 


"  \tf,  JAMCH,  THAT  '*  AU.  VE«T  WELL  ;  BIT  wnr.it 

ARE  WK  XOW?" 


wlf    v.i»lly.   e\.i-pt    that    fn>m    time    In    time    he   will 

that   the    years   are    paving.      It    in    s;id    to    rcmemlxT   that 

one  WM  aln-wly  crown    up  when    a    play  like    \Vluitititxiitinii- 

was  hailed  as  a  \i\nl  picture  ..f  ,,  ,\  life      I  .|..ni.i   ,i    Mr 
Sin*  ImH  wnmKliI  'jn,l,   tin-  revolution  lie  think*  he  has. 


.    And   with  an   ironic  lanyh    lie   liirne.1    his 
pi-tol  ni-on  himself." 
the    two    epithets    which    define    Ml 
X\NI.«III'-    conception    of    the    -rim 
con  ie<  ly  of   life:   it    is    humorous   .,M,| 
il  i-  ironic.      The   irony  ol   the  .1. 
|K*ilioit    has  entered    deeply  into   his 

~oni.     With  extraordinary   cli-.n 

of   vision    he   dia-n.-e-    the    fanl' 
liis  race.      With    unswerving  faith    Ill- 
looks  forward   to  the  lime  when  /ion 
shall  rise   to   the   full  dignity  of  her 
nniipie  |—  -in.  ii    in  the  world,      \\ilh 

lelelllle--    lorci-     i    -  I     lid' 

into    the    ri^hl    wax         the    xxax    that 
leads    liack    to    the     I'r  .....  i-ed     Lmd 
And    lioxx    d.Tply    lie    |..\e^    llie 
lliat    lie     lashes    with     the    xxhi| 
scorn'      lloxx  clearlx   lie   westhexaM 
lilies  thai    lie  l»-fore   it.  if  only 
it    will    1.  arn    not    to    de-pi-e     ii-.-||  ' 
That   is  the   lrai;ed\   underlying  lln-sc 
(Miwerfnl  col  .....  lies  ol    I  lie  <  1  1  let  to. 


Who  i,  I|\M.VMI.|:.  what  is  .-he. 
that  Mr.  .Ions-  I.XM:  -I  .....  Id  have 
passed  the  punctuation  "I  her  I..-1. 
/•'or  tli,'  ll  .r/;  l-'.,i:i.'  At  all  .'xcnts. 

there  can  l>e  little  doulit  a--  to  the 
sex  of  the  unknown  author.  Her 
commas  liclray  her.  Thus:  "Von 
can't  ar^iie  xxilh  a  woman  xxl. 
she's  a  mother,  it  aluaxs  make- 
.....  shy."  *  'in- 


feminine     delicacy    of     the    following     remark,     made    Ly 
gallant    soldier   as    he   hands    his    |>ocket    hainlkerchh 
xvei-pin^  |iiiche-s:    "  It  's  .piile  clean,  --o  y.  n  IH  .  .|n  ':  l«-  afraid." 

H\M'\sHH.'s  would   l»-  wicked  Week  ellder-    ire  leall_x  cNtlcmelx 
proper.      If   they  had    had  the   <  I    lln-ir  \\anl 

•.and   had  allowed  their   |i\.  lt\  a-  their 

author's   j,Ta  ......  ar.    the    thnv    \xe«-k  -end-,    whieli    thex 

together  mi^lit    ha-..-   pi"-.  ed    a   Intl.-    more    .  •-,.  iiin_ 

!••  said,  that  we--k  •  rally  a- 

blnek  irs  th'  .led.  and   that,  so  far.  II  XM>\-M>I 


baa  the  merit  ••! 


true  to  hie. 


•>  hare  come.  fl<«  km-  from  n  th.we  few  weeks    .piite 

a  i|iieue   of   them        I  'i   Itlntf! 

i  lleaium.  Mcntuot,  w 

n    U .4  I    MI    M.I.  i.  -i    I    .;     nml 

I    hke   i..-i    the  la«t.  "A  Jeat  of 
..|  -    it    was   put    la-t   that  one  might 
tin-    l«»k  with    an    .i|  |-<  iiie  for   more      lint    all   ot    tin-in    haxe 

..,:.. iir   ai  .dily    in    the    faslrii.llillK   <•!    I.X|H-  a    I '..i  |.  .ration.       h.is     ieach.il     me     from     the    olh.es    ,,)      I'l, 

trille   l,t. ni  n-    \\ln.li    !•    |  ..!.••    them    I  and   //'..  I  haxe   only  had    lime  jn.st    to   lak 

Mid  the  scene    n    into  .1  corner  and    put    my   ihunili   in    it    tcntalixcjy.      |tii 
•ii       It    i.-IU    IM    i    •     tint   waa    emmuli    '••   eonxince     me    o(     the     Miccnleii. 

:    as    Mr    '  is  plu  '•  d ready    glows   xxith    rellccled    virtue; 

n  aajra   in  •  1«-U*T.  the   talo  lu<-  an. I    I    have    no    ht-itation   in   tui\ing,   "What    a   K'""'    l-oy 

irp.TS.ss   -  Mfus«l   the   foigniphy  that    a    am  I  ! 


'  il  S.iixeini  .it'  the  1'iinl. 


MAY  I'L',    l'.l<>7.! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


301 


'EKE  Y'ARE,  SIR  !     CHARINO  CROSS  !     STRAND  !    SIBBBU  !  " 


COLONIAL  CRICKET  PREFERENCE. 

THE  members  of  the  Imperial  Prefer- 
ence Luncheon-Bar  Commission  venture 
to  appeal  to  the  imperial  feeling  of 
British  cricketers.  Students  of  statistics 
have  been  appalled  by  the  increase  iu 
the  mmilier  of  runs  scored  by  foreigners 
on  South  African  wickets.  The  follow- 
ing ligmvs  (guaranteed  to  be  accurate 
by  Professor  HEWINS)  tell  a  sad  tale  of 
imperial  decay.  During  the  season  of 
1905  Germans  scored  two  runs  in  South 
Africa  (W.  MULLER,  playing  for  Cape 
Town  Zingari,  not  out,  2).  In  1906  the 
number  of  German  runs  had  risen  to 
ten  (Mi'LLER,  l.b.w.,  b.  ABE  BAILEY,  10) 
— an  increase  of  no  less  than  500  per 
cet  ;  In  the  same  years  the  runs  scored 
by  British  players  showed  an  increase 
of  only  .10  per  cent.— 8,000  iu  1905; 
8,800  in  1900.  At  their  present  rate 
of  increase  it  is  certain  that  in  191^ 
German  cricketers  in  South  Africa  will 
score  at  least  150,000  runs. 

What    is   to    prevent    this    imperial 


disaster?  Nothing  but  a  gift  of  pre- 
ference to  the  Colonies.  It  is  proposed 
therefore  that,  during  the  tour  of  the 
South  African  Cricketers,  scorers  be 
instructed  to  allow  them  twenty  extras 
at  the  start  of  every  innings.  Umpires 
will  also  be  ordered  to  allow  each  of 
them  one  life  per  innings,  and  to  answer 
in  the  affirmative  all  appeals  for  l.b.w. 
made  by  South  African  bowlers. 

The  following  distinguished  persons 
have  expressed  their  views  about  this 
proposal : — 

C.-B.  writes  :  "  While  conservatively 
opposed  to  Preference,  I  trust  that  the 
South  African  team  will  receive  fair  play 
at  I/mi's.  I  may  close  it  after  Whitsun- 
tide." 

Mr.  BAI.FOUR  says :  "  When  playing 
with  Colonial  Premiers  I  always  allow 
them  one  stroke  for  each  banquet  they 
have  attended  that  day.  The  Unionist 
Party  unites  in  urging  the  necessity  for 
Imperial  Scoring  Reform." 

Poet  CHAIG  answers,  vaguely  but 
enthusiastically :  "  Good  old  South  Africa 


—the  land  of  my  birth."  (N.B.  This  is 
the  fourth  Colony  in  which  the  Surrey 
Poet  claims  to  have  been  born.) 

General  DE  WET  wires :  "  I  always 
liked  a  start  when  running  myself." 

A.  A.  replies  in  verse  : 

"  Denizens  of  Empire,  who 
Struggle  'iienth  the  ethereal  blue, 
Say,  shall  Cloth  and  I  Inn  and  Russ 
Score  on  level  terms  with  us  ? 
Never !     Let  the  scorer's  hand 
Help  our  sons  from  distant  land." 

(The  remainder  of  A.  A.'s  interesting 
communication,  dealing  as  it  does  with 
the  need  for  a  stronger  Navy  and  the 
folly  of  Women's  Suffrage,  will  be  pub- 
lished as  a  serial  poem  in  The  Standard.) 


Inclusive  Terms. 

"  WANTKD  Situation  l>y  an  old  photographer, 
wet  or  dry,  inside  or  out." — Focug. 

WE  reprint  this,  lest,  among  those 
who  do  not  see  their  Focus  regularly, 
there  should  l>e  any  who  would  like  to 
help  a  deserving  case. 


VOL  CSAXII. 


HI 


1M  \<  II.    nil    THK    1.«>M'"N    rllMMVAKI. 


;M»Y  _•:.'.  1907. 


CRY    OF    THE    RUSSIAN    CHILDREN. 
Mr  1'uneh  acknowledges  with  sincere  gratitude  the  i 
of   conlributioM  amounting   to    £500   in   response  to   his 


appeal  on 


of  the  poor  starving  children  of  Samara, 


He  begs  to  assure  his  readers  that  this  mone> 
be  distributed  through  carefully  appointed  channels,  and 
that  then  is  not  the  least  fear  of  its  being  di  verted  to 
official  agencies  and  so  risking  the  fate  of  certain  other 
charitable  funds  collected  for  the  needs  of  the  Russian  poor. 
Further  donations  will  be  gratefully  received  by  Messrs. 
Bum. IT  ASD  AQXEW,  Punch  Office,  10,  Bouverie  Stre. 
A  list  of  contributors  will  appear  in  due  course  in  these  pages. 

LORDS    IN    WAITING. 

(An  appeal  la  On  Primt  il>*itter  to  yet  on  vilh  hit  killing.) 
Lo !  Spring,  if  Spring  there  was,  has  been  and  gone  ; 
Here 's  May,  tlie  moon  of  chestnuts,  nearly  through, 
And  utill  the  loudly  threatened  Peers  live  on, 

•lentlv  their  dying  cue  . 

"  How  long,"  they  say,  "  before  you  put  us,  oh  C.-B., 
Out  of  our  misery  ?  " 

At  Easter,  couched  amid  the  olive  trees, 

You  brought  to  this  same  task  your  teeming  brains, 

There  where  the  calm  expanse  of  azure  seas 
Recalled  the  fatal  lint  of  Norman  veins  ; 

Yet  here  you  are,  upon  the  ebbing  tide  of  N\  hit, 
further,  not  a  bit ! 

Is  it  because  you  taste  a  cruel  joy 

In  trilling  with  a  donined  and  hopeless  House, 

Much  as  the  tabby-cat  delights  to  toy 

With  fluttered  fledglings  or  a  cornered  mouse? 

Much  as  tlie  python  watches,  ere  he  springs  to  grab  it, 
The  fascinated  rabbit? 

To  such  insinuations  "  Tush ! "  I  say ; 

"His  heart  is  soft :  he  wouldn't  hurt  a  fly ; 
There  must  be  other  reasons  for  delay 

And  we  shall  know  them  better  by-and-by." 
So  I  defend  you  ;  so  these  horrid  doubts  I  quell, 
Adding,  "  He  means  so  well !  " 

Still,  do  get  on !     I  can't  keep  saying  "  Tush ! " 

When  I  am  told  you  let  occasion  slide 
Simply  from  terror  -lest  the  mouse  (or  thrush) 

Should  sink  and  disagree  with  you  inside; 
Or  lest  the  rabbit  prove,  for  all  his  plaintive  eyes, 

A  mongoose  in  disguise !  0.  8. 


nly  kidding.      I !••  '*  no  true  Wagm-rite.      I  tried  to  make  him 

-s  df  it  all  ;   how  it  :  higher 

iiieh   tin-  IVing  I -cat  in  vain,  while 

!f  as  it   i:  .  r  the  abysses  of 


lannony. 


BLANfllKS  LETTERS. 
CHIKTLT  ABOUT  Music. 

DBAEOT  Dunn,— Now  that  we  have  done  with  the  Sturm 
und  Drang  of  tlie  "  King,"  I  am  taking  ordinary  Opera  as  a 
rest-cure.  My  dear,  I  went  to  both  cycles,  and  wouldn't  hav< 
missal  so  much  as  a  demi-aemi-qnaver  for  anything.  People 
who  went  home  between  the  afternoon  and  evening  perform 
anew  weren't  worthy  of  being  called  Wagneritea.  We,  who 


,  didn't  dream  of  leaving  the  house  /  <li<ln't  even  leave 
my  box)  for  fear  of  breaking  the  continuity  of  our  emotion*. 
Ne  just  had  a  light  dinner  served  to  us,  the  'dishes  and  wines 


imination 


carefully  chosen  so  as  not  to  dog  the 
divert  the  musical  perception*. 

Nornr  came  into  my  bos  on  one  occasion  to  wait  for  the 

evening  performance.    He  said  hr  didn't  wish  to  break  the 

f  hit  emotions  by  leaving  the  house.     But  he  was 


Thnt.  .1  \iays 

.  •ii.nal    temperament. 
oughtn't   to  I*-  impatient  with    BUIB  commonplace  natures 
nly  laughed,  and  said  his  private  opinion  of  the  ••  /.'IN./ 
was  that   ther.  much  of  it,  and   that    i 

so  much  fuss  and  noise  made  be  an  <>r<Un.inj  . 

robber;/. 

.loslMl  dropped  ill  one  evening  ithink  of  i/r«i///>ni</  IN  to  the 

'  ltin-i"  '    and  made  himself  horrid  to  N..|:IV.  who  happened 

to  be  in  the  box  again.     I  really  believe  bahaittthatpoorboy 

ind  would  cut  him  if  he  dared,  in  spite  i.f  ius  being  entirely 

h  rough   him  that  .|»-IAII'S  a  member  of    the   I  'awdlcrs  and 

he  Sybarites.      He  clear.il  up  when  N"!  •'.      Hut  he 

doesn't  know  the  first  thing  aUnit  Wagner     says"tl- 

;reat  deal  too  much  mjly.  and  not  near  enough  pretty."     1-n  t 

•lloilld  lie  such  po.ple?  He  added,  "  But  I'll  try 
to  like  it,  my  dear,  as  ;/•.»  like  it."  If  you  ever  heard  of  any- 
thing so  stodgy  and  Karly  Victorian  ! 

A  simply  lovely  story  of  Buis  and  her  small  daughter  is 
going  iilxmt.  She  brought  the  kiddy  -who.  by  the  way,  is 
supposed  to  be  a  musical  genii  --nt  Harden  one  after 

noon,  to  give  her  a  taste  of  the  higher  n. 
put  in  one  of  her  naughty    ;  -    her   mother's  own 

girl),  and,  just  as  the  wonderful  /«'i«/c  <>/  the  \\'<ill;iire 
going  on,  •beytUed  out,  "  Why  are  they  called  the  \\'<ilkcr*  .' 
They're   riilin."       She  was    promptly   removed    from   the 
building. 

Isn't  that  sweet? 

The  number  of  concerts  just  now  is  simply  ghastly.  It  'a 
enough  to  deafen  one  merely  to  see  all  the  announcements. 
During  May  and  June.London  really  ought  to  put  cotton-w.«.| 
in  its  ears,  poor  thing. 

The  procession  of  "  talented  proteijcs  "  different   people  arc 
always  bringing  forward  !     (That's  another  thing  1  'm  taking 
note  of.   I  must  have  aperforming  pnrfo/i'  of  some-  kind      I  In 
Dnchess  of  DfXSTABLE  is  booming  a  girl    daughter  of  a  tenant 
fanner  or  something  down  at  Sanga/.ur,  that  she's  hail  trained 
who  is  said  to  play  the  piano  with  one  hand  and  the  /mr/i  will 
the  other,  Mtcr  than  anyone  eke  can  play  cither  instrument 
with  both   hands.      And   STEIIA  t'l  v  KM  \ss\\    is    bringing 
forward  a  boy  she  found  somewhere  in  the  \\ilds  of  Clack 
mannanshire,  who  recites  SIUKSPEABE  so  as  quite  to  alur  th. 
meaning,  and  set  at  rest  all  *ort*of  \e\,-d  que>ti..ns.  They  'v. 
each  wheedled  me  into  taking  a  row  of  stalls  at  the  resp«vti\. 
jH-rfoniiances  of  these  creatures.     But  I  'M-  no  notion  of  just 
helping   towanls  the  success  of   • 

mean  to  be  in  the  movement  and  have  one  myself.     I  'in  now 
looking  about  for  one.     So.  my  dear,  if  you  n/i.m/./  i 
across  a  boy  who  can  sing  hiyhcr.  or  a  <jirl  \\lio  can  sing 
lower  than  anyone  else,  or  a  child  recent  h  ;.dand  abl( 

to  conduct  tlie  band  at  n  Wagner  opera,  or  anything  of  any 
kind  that  has  thrills  in  it.  \\ire  me  at  once,  and  I'll  hire; 
hall  and  launch  him,  her,  or  it. 

I  entered  my  darling  /Wi/xm  at  tin  Sl.ow   tin 

other  day,    and    he    appeared    then-    in     the     l»\olie-t.    we. 
kennel    you    rrcr.'     gilt    bars    in    front    and    pin 
cushions!     But  the  angel  was  fti  uncomfy  and   gri/./.ly  that 
brought   him   away   after  an   hour  or  two.     And,    if  you'l 
I  M  MM  .  though  I  de.-cribed  all  his  |«.ints  minutrli 
to  the  judges,  and  was  just   as  Miv.f  to  the  di-ky  creature-  as 
I  could  be  (it*H  not  for  i  -  t   that    i-  ,  they 

refuted  to  judge  him  and  give  him  a  pri/c  in  his  absence 
Was  th  'ich  injiisti.eV  And  aren't  they  pigs  of  the 

first  magnitude 

My  cards  are  out  for  a  dance,  which  I  really  think,  withoii 
vanity  the  high-water  mark    of  originality  and  rliic 


1TXCIT.  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHAUTVARI.-MAY  22,  1907. 


fj5  PL  EASE  SP 
A   TR1FL 


FOR  CAMBRJ 
COULD  I 
I  MILLION 


SPLENDIDE   MENDICI; 

OR,  THE  NOBLE  BEGGARS. 

Ccazos,  as  Clinncollor  of  Oxford,  lias  appealed  for  funds  for  his  University,  thus  following  the  lead  of  his  rival,  the  Duke  of 

DEVONSHIRE,  Chancellor  of  Cambridsre.1 


MAY  22,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


3C5 


Admiral.  "AND  WHAT  HADE  YOU  WISH  TO  BECOME  A  SAILOR,  MY  BOY?" 

Nary  Candidate  (in  perfect  good  faith).  "BECAUSE  HE'S  GOT  A  WIFE  IN  EVERY  PORT,  SIR!' 


Where  d'ymi  think  I'm  going  to  give  it?  Guess,  and  guess 
again.  No,  you  'd  never  guess,  you  dear,  humdrum,  old 
darling !  In  the  Monkey  House  at  the  Zoo  ! !  And  in  the 
corners  of  the  invite-cards  I've  put  —  "To  meet  our 
Ancestors." 

It 's  making  a  big  sensation.  NORTY'S  delighted  with  it, 
and  says  it's  quite  a  good  idea.  JOSIAH 's  furious.  I  shouldn't 
wonder  if  a  question  's  asked  about  it  in  the  House.  And  if 
tltut  happens,  my  ownest,  my  cup  of  happiness  and  success  will 
be  full,  for  there  will  be  no  more  worlds  to  be  conquered  by 

Ever  thine,  BLANCHE. 


AIRS  OF  AN  EXILE. 
HI. — NEW  OBLEANS. 

Fou  eighteen  days  we  'd  ploughed  the  broad  Atlantic, 
Its  bosom,  from  the  Nore  to  the  Bahamas  ; 

Sometimes  the  good  ship  wobbled  something  frantic, 
\\  liile  oftener  the  sea  was  just  as  calm  as 

A  mill  pond,  and  we  never  felt  a  qualm  as 

We  paced  the  moonlit  deck  and  made  romantic 

Remarks  about  the  setting  of  ArcUmis, 

Until  a  stiff  west  wind  would  come  along  and  cure  us. 

When  lo !  the  Land  of  Promise  -  and  mosquitos 
(These  last  as  large  as  was^s  and  twice  as  nippy, 

And  all  agog  for  probing  napes  and  neat  hose) 
Welcomed  oiir  advent  to  the  Mississippi ; 

Yea,  tho'  a  man  should  take  a  world-round  trip  he 
Could  find  no  spot  that  so  completely  vetoes 

The  rising  ardour  of  the  optimist  as 

Those  alligatorous  swamps,  those  melancholy  vistas. 


The  town  's  a  huge  hog-sty  ;  in  imswept  gutters 
Scramble  her  swart  and  odorous  pickaninnies  ; 

In  narrow  lanes  behind  mephitic  shutters 
Swelter  the  flower  of  Louisiana's  "Jinnies  ;  " 

The  mud  's  preposterous ;  the  pumpkin's  skin  is 
Ubiquitous,  and  "lor  !  "  the  traveller  mutters 

As,  slipping  up,  his  tangled  members  volley 

Against  the  whistling  bulk  of  the  advancing  trolley. 

But  what  a  place  to  hail  the  exiled  Briton, 
Torn  like  a  limpet  from  its  native  cranny, 

And  dumped,  as  helpless  as  a  new-mown  kitten, 
Mid  sights  and  sounds  depressing  and  uncanny. 

"  The  dirtiest  city  south  of  Alleghany," 
Someone  informed  me,  and  I  'd  lay  a  bit  on 

The  truth  of  that  remark,  tho'  unacquainted 

With  other  than  the  town  whose  salient  charms  I've 
painted. 


Court  and  Society. 

THOUGH  a  keen  Imperialist,  Mr.  Punch  cannot  for  the 
moment  recollect  exactly  where  El  Paso  is ;  but  he  is  none 
the  less  glad  to  learn  from  a  British  Columbia  paper  that 

"  Miss  TINA  BROWN  $f  East  El  Paso,  who  lias  been  at  liome  for  a 
few  days  on  a  holiday,  returned  to  school  yesterday  at  Las  Crnces." 

It  shows  that  the  Press  out  there  is  not  easily  caught 
napping. 

MR.  CHAPLIN  has  just  scraped  into  Wimbledon,  but  the 
Suffragettes  are  not  disheartened.     They  prevented  the  Liberal 
I  Candidate  from  getting  in,  anyhow.     So  there. 


1TN'  II.    OB    TIIK    LONDON    <  II  MMVAKI. 


22,  1907. 


COCKAIGNE    S'AMUSE. 

lliitni,itf-id 

I  i,  i'i..'iiii/  ttreet  <>' 

nematogratJi  thoict,  and  Menagerie*,  conge  tied 
riunirea  holiday-maker*.     Al-  .-.t In- 

road and  ndfteaUu  are  at  dtntrly  ero« 
ecrry  ten  yard*  it  a  piano-organ,  to  the  utrain*  of  whi--: 
fiuthed  maidfn*  in  /fathered  h-itt 
perform  intricate  ttep*  in  oppoted 
rank*,  vilh  a  proud  contcioutnet*  of 
being  under  critical  obtertation,  and 
an  enthutiatm  regardJeti  of  per- 
petual interruption*  from  patting 
motor*,  hanfomt,  and  open  carriage*. 
The  ocevpanttof  theft  rchitles  wear 
a  tmile  of  benignantly  amused 
approval,  a*  of  many  local  itfuiret 
honouring  their  tenantry  by  putting 
in  an  appearance  at  a  village  fcttival. 
The.  anrert'  expretiion*  are  left 
tolerant,  trhile  the  hortet  icarcely 
try  to  eoneeal  a  loft;/  contempt  for 
1 1  it  inanity'*  idea  of  relaxation. 

Perambulator*  and  mail-eart» 
containing  wondering  infants  are 
pufhed  through  the  thiekctt  of  the 
throng,  without  exciting  more  than 
mildly  jocular  remonstrance*  of  "  My 
tou-t!"  Everybody  look*  overheated,  and  the  tiuij.-ri/;/ 
perfectly  happy. 


tlif   r'n  ••».»  <'/  'jildfd   ratet,  bar*  of  chocolate,  and 

•it   li-wjth   deeide*  t>n  n  fune  at  a  more 

diir.il>l'-  di-li-iht.     Shortly  after  iihich  In-  ;ir»/«i*r*  to  exchange 
!;/  similar  i-m-  in  f/i<-  flout  lady'f  reterve 
:  .'     Aiiil   if  I  let   yiT.  >.-r'd  IH>  iirskin'  me  to 

:    a   silver -'andled   umberell.i   fur   it!       YOU'M-   'ad  yer 
pi.-k.   me   l:ul,   so  lx>   content   with    \vli:it    yer   got,   ;m-l    lak»- 


'Tin-  Y.  I',  /.i/cm  hit  'ook  accordingly. 
mli'riwj  iilntlit-r  ci'j'iri-ttet  icoultt 
not  1 


of 


Is  nrc  CUOWD. 

.\   Maidi-H  (concluding  <i  l«ng  li*t 
tin-   ihortcomingt  <>f  an  ff  ' 
another     thing     abayont      '1111      'OVVCM  r 

.    a    temper    'e  might   I 
never   «.ii/   nothiiik      ou'y    jest    set    and 

//.•r  I'uiiildaiil,-.     Ah,  you 're  well   rid 
of  "nn  ! 

l-'ir.-t   Si/ii i!l  '   during  a 

wrangle',    tl.un    wiv   yer'       I   got   good 
manner-,  ler  what  ij«n  Bl 

..-'  8    /•'    Tli.it  >•  r  yn't     so  naotr.' 

l-'irxt  S.  /(.    Yus,  [an   '      I  •    >iild  smack 
;/  -n  over  the  jor  any  d'y. 

[The   xiilij<-ct    is   t  lift  full  >j    allowed    t  > 


.\  i  'fntoriou*  t-emale  (looking on  at  the  Stcpilaneert).  Wi-11. 
r  tiny  run  make  swh  exhibitions  of  theireelves,  I  dunno ! 

Ilrr  Companion  (a  perton  of  broader  ci*w*\    Oh,  if  you  've 
got  talints,  I  see  no  sense  in  'iding  'em  under  a  bushel. 

The  Cennoriout  F.  (icith  a  *nort).    H'm  !    Pity  FOIIIC  on  Vm 
rarn't  'i<l<-  their  boott  under  a  bushel ! 

Her  L'omp.  itrith  intuition).  Ah  !  You  want  yer  tea,  you  do ! 
(In  another  tet.  Tiro  Able  Seamen 
from  7/.J/.S.  "  Terpsichore  "  and 
•idier  hare  f  lined  the  danee.) 

The  Soldier  (to  hi*  partner).  Come  on. 
It's  a  Mazurker,  this  time. 

Hi*  Partner  (dubioiwly).  Sure  you 
know  'ow  to  do  a  Mazurker  ? 

Soldier.  Me!  Not  arf!  Two  step* 
forward,  two  backward,  and  two  left 
!«•  mil.  Then  'l»>ut  turn  and  start 
all  over  agen.  That's  all  there  t*  to 
it' 

Hi*  Partner  (after  thi*  recipe  ha*  been 
tried,  and  found  wanting).  It's  funny 
you  sojers  can't  dance  like  them  sailur- 
men  can. 

Soldier.  \\Y  'aren't  a  deck  to  practise 
on  lik  ^ot,  on'y  a  p'rade  ground 

— that's  'ow  it  is. 

//i*  Partner  (with  a  glance  at  hi* 
tunif.  Well,  I  suppoae  you  can't  'ave 
errrythink! 

Ix  THK  VAUS  or  HEALTH. 

Rtoii-  '<•<•*•  of  a  "  ttottle*-0n-itiek*"  Huj.  Nar 

Fust  to  knock  a  bottle  right  orf  wins  a  perajisc.     'It  'em  °»ir 
yor  like.     $ma*h  '«n  np— it's  all  they're  tin-re  for 
attittn  Sonny,  u»n't  gn  j.uttin'   up  t\vn  l.l.n  k    im- 

tngeth-  •  yer  see  they  look  better  with  a  \\liiie  U.nl.- 

•il  player,  who  hat  at  la*t  made  a 

loUlf  bite  •  That's  the  «  ••m      Take  any 

yer  like!     (The  rictor,  having  he*it<ited  long 


Firtl  Young  Man  in  the  M<.i;-nn-nt  (onparting).  (,'liin  chin ! 

Second  Y.M.  T(KHlle-oo! 

[They  teparate  with  a  *en*e  of  being  "  up  to  <lilf." 

Firnt  Matron.  'Ad  'er  'at  and-embradend  all  rouml  for 
the  funeril,  she  did. 

Second  Matron  (tenlentiovsly).  Ah!     'An. 1  embroidered  or 
not,  it  won't  bring  "t'm  back. 

OuTPtDE  A  ClXEMATOGRAPH    ExHlIlllloV. 

J'alerfnmilia*  (a*  hi*  party  reach  the 
foot  of  the  steps*.  Well  ?  Knjoy  it,  kid- 
dies? Bit  o'  orl  ri^l't,  eh  V 

The  A'iiMic*.  rroime.  Farver  !  It  t«i« 
Invcrly,  wasn't  it,  Mnvver? 

Min-rrr.  Wonilerfnl !  And  CV.TV 
think  done  that  reel!  lint  1  didn't  rare 
Per  inucli  alMint  that  part  where  t)wd<Kg 
was  tie<l  t.i  a  pram  \\itli  a  biby  in>ide 
of  it,  and  ran  on  to  the  rilew'y  and  the 
trine  come  up  and  went  ri^'lit  over  it. 
biby  and  all.  I  down't  tliink  s.-eh  thingn 
i  Mi  r  to  be  iniih'  a  .</iyir  of. 

l-'arrrr.  "h,  gow  on.  You're  SO 
].artickler.  //"/<  are!  Why,  it's  on'y  got 
up  to  rise  a  larf ! 

OiTsnw:  A  Giiasr  Snow. 

Iinpreisionalili-  >'/«vM/or.  I  wish  1 
'adn't  never  ^om-  in  now.  I  know  1 


shall  l«e  dreamiu'  of  'em  all  night  ! 
//.•/•    i'm-nrt.     Whether    ViT    believe 

I 'em  or  not.  they  </<»  give  yer  a  turn.     IJest  thing  we  can  do  is 
I  to  go  and  'ave  a  tiddley. 

''hey  adjiurn  to  tin-  SI/IHUI    liar  of  .lark   Str.ni'.i 
thiil  iitfiillilili'  npi'eilic  11'iainnt  \  ijlit Terrors. 

nf   I'ilrh   (c'tntistinii   <>f    <i    frame   dindi-d   into 
jxirtititms,  a  troii'/h   nf  wmdi-n   h,ill*.  and   an  array  o} 
unattractive  prize*).     I  ''.re  you  are  !      Finest  and  Fairest  S|>on 
mi  the  'F-ith  !      Fn-e  balls  a  JM-IIIIV  and  a  |>eri/e  fer  e\ery  oiu 


as    g'  -  .     "le. 

afford     ter    do    it. 


get  'em  for  nutlink,  or  we  couldn't 
May     up,    all    o'    you.      None    but    the 


MAY  22,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


307 


B.n-ber.  "  THANK  YOU,  SIR.    I  DON'T  OFTEN  GET  MY  TIP  BEKORE  I  BEGIN.    1  'u  SUBE  I  APPRECIATE " 

Customer  (who  likes  his  hair  cut  in  silence).  "  I  DON'T  WANT  YOU  TO  CONSIDER  THAT  A  TIP.    IT  's  '  ITCSH  '  HONEY." 


Erristocresy  'ere  to-day !  'Ere 's  a  Member  o'  Parliment 
goin'  to  frow  next !  (But,  for  some  reason,  not  only  all 
Members  of  Parliament  present,  but  the  Public  generally, 
withhold  their  patronage.)  Well,  if  ever  !  (Lights  a  clay  pipe 
in  disgust.)  'As  the  Public  all  got  the  pip,  or  what  ?  (To 
his  assistant)  Never  see  biz  so  slack  in  all  me  natural !  'Ow 
do  you  account  fer  it  ? 

His  Assistant  (gloomily).  If  you  'd  on'y  done  what  I  tole 
yer,  and  'ad  them  balls  fresh  painted ! 

P.  of  P.  Paint !  It 's  my  belief  as  nothiuk  under  gold- 
leaf  'ud  satisfy  this  crard.  Tike  my  word,  this  bloomin' 
love  o'  lux'ry  's  goin'  to  be  the  ruing  of  the  kerntry  ! 

[Smokes  on  moodily. 

Another  Proprietor  (until  a  wooden  ball  suspended  by  a 
chain  so  as  to  swing  between  two  small  skittles).  'Oo  's  goin' 
ter  risk  a  penny  to  win  free  bob  ?  It 's  a  pure  gime  of  skill. 
All  you  'ave  ter  do  is  ter  swing  the  ball  so  ae  to  tip  over  the 
left-'and  skittle  on  its  return.  (To  Small  Boy,  iclio  is  obviously 
fingering  a  coin  in  his  trousers  pocket)  Now  then,  young 
feller-me-lad,  try  yer  luck — and  win  free  bob  orf  o'  me  if  you 
can ! 

Young  Feller-me-lad' s  Small  Sister.  I  wouldn't,  BILLY — not 
if  I  was  you. 

[But  BILLY,  undeterred  by  the  ominous  heap  of  coppers 
behind  the  board,  produces  sixpence  and  tries  his 
luck  .  .  . 

Prop.  Ah,  yer  see,  yer  got  the  right-and  skittle,  'stead  o' 
the  left.  Try  agen.  (BiLLY  does.)  That 's  better — on'y  yer 
took  the  left-'and  skittle  goin',  'stead  o'  comin'  back.  But 
ver  getting  the  'ang  of  it.  One  more  ?  Bofc  on  'cm  down 


that  time !  Look  'ere,  I  '11  give  yer  a  lesson  fer  nuffink. 
There  y'are  .  .  .  An'  the  eime  agen !  .  .  .  And  agen !  .  .  . 
It 's  so  simple  yer  carn't  miss  it — when  yer  knows  'o\v.  Now 
'ave  a  go  on  yer  own.  Very  near,  that  was.  A'most  got  the 
kneck — but  not  quite.  Boun'  ter  do  it  nex'  time,  yer  are  ! 

[The  heap  of  coppers  behind  the  board  is  increased. 

Billy  (rather  white  about  the  gills).  I  neelly  did  it  then. 
'Ere,  Liz — lend  me  that  penny  o'  yourn. 

Liz.  Oh,  BILLY,  I  did  mean  to  get  a  blue  bead  necklis  wiv 
that  .  .  .  Well,  if  you're  sure  yer  kin  do  it  this  ncx'  gow  ! 

Prop.  That  was  the  wust  yet !  Yer  didn't  watch  me  close 
enough — that 's  where  yer  made  your  mistake ! 

Liz  (to  Billy,  as  he  walks  away  a  bankrupt).  I  dunno,  after 
all,  as  I  keer  for  them  bead  necklises.  They  y'nt  bein'  ser 
much  worn  this  seasin.  Where  shall  we  gow  next  ? 

Billy.  'Ome.  F.  A. 


L' Entente  Cor di ale. 

IT  is  really  pretty  to  see  how  careful  some  papers  are  to 
avoid  giving  offence  to  our  neighbours.  In  an  inconspicuous 
corner  of  a  recent  issue  the  Glasgow  Evening  Times 
announces : — 

"A  French  warship  landed  nt  the  Tail  of  the  Bank  yesterday  to 
take  in  stores." 

So  different  from  the 

GERMAN  BATTLESHIP  AGROUND 

with  which  The would  greet  a  similar  mishap  to  the 

hated  Fatherland. 


I.\Y> 


i     Tm 

Yoc  mustn't  thin-  >id  "f  '">' 

housekeeper.  V'  ->t  all  1  fr<-|n--i.tl> 
meet  bar  on  the  stairs,  and  give  her  some 
Mich  order  as  "  1  think  if  you 

i    have   breakfast  just  a 
'       earlier— er.  yes,  about  nine  o  clock. 


ITNCII.    MI:    Till:    I.MMIMN    C|!  \l!l\  AIM. 


[Mo  :':'.  1907. 


yes.  thank  you."    Or  I  ring  the  bell  and 
I     T  w.mt  m>  booto."     Wo  both 
recognise  that  it  is  mine  to  command 
.rtBtoobry      Km  in  the  matter  of 
the  butter  I  hare  let  tilings  me,  until 
the    position    is   rapidly   becoming  an 
untenable  one.  ''•'  if  •>  "'•'"  "f 

imagination  and  feeling  could 
otherwiae.  given  the  initial  error.     1 low  - 
ever,  you  shall  hear. 

There  are  two  aorta  of  butter,  sal 
fresh.    Now,  nobody  is  *  •  f»n<l  <>f 
as  I  am;   but  butter  (an  I  have  often  told 

isn't  buttrr  ;K  all  mil.  - 
ilt."  -her    kind  ly   an 

nferior  vaseline -the  sort  ..f  thin 
puton  theaxleeof  locomotives.  Imagine 
then  my  di-gu-t.  when  I  took  my  first 
breakfast  in  these  rooms  eleven  months 
1  that  the  housekeeper  had 
provided  ine  with  a  large  pat  of  vase- 
line! 

I  hate  waste  in  enuill  things.  Take 
«-.irv  of  tin-  little  rxiruvag.inrios.  I  say, 
and  the  big  ones  will  take  care  of  thcm- 
aelves.  My  first  thought  on  viewing 
this  pat  of  buttrr  was,  "It  is  difficult, 
but  1  will  cat  it."  My  second,  "  Hut  I 
must  tell  tin-  housekeeper  to  get  salt 
butter  next  time." 

An  ordinary-minded  person  would 
have  stopped  there.  I  went  one  further. 
My  third  thought  wan  this:  "House- 
keepers  are  forgetful  creaturea.  If  I  trll 
her  now,  she  will  never  HBBMtbtr. 
Obviously  I  had  I-  it.-r  wait  until  this 
pound  is  just  fini-hfd.  and  .-In-  is  aUr.lt 

to  get  in  some  more.  Then  will  !»•  th<> 
time  to  speak."  So  I  waited  ;  and  it  wa.- 
bere  that  I  made  my  mistake.  For  it 
turned  (Hit  that  it  was  I  who  was  the 
forgetful  creaturv.  Ami  on  tin-  fifteenth 
day  I  got  u|>  to  find  another  largo  IK>IIIH| 
of  vaseline  on  my  table. 

The  next  fortnight  went  b\  slowly.  1 
my  eye  on  every  day.  waiting  for 
the  moment  to  come  wln-n  1  n.uld  say  to 
Ibe  housekeeper,  "  You  will  be  getting 
in'-  in  some  more  buit.-i  this  morning. 
W.  uld  you  get  salt,  an  I  don't  much  lik< 
the  other?'  W,-dno»day  came,  and  there 
was  just  enough  left  for  two  days.  1 
would  speak  on  the  morrow. 

Hut  alas!  on  the  morrow  there  was 
another  new  pound  waiting.  I  had 
evidently  mi-judged  the  amount. 

rget  what  happened  after  that 

•     busy,  SO 

that  the  question  of  butter  esca|- 

•      .       .  .      i     . 


go  away  for  a  few  days,  and  the  old 


illttrr  would    !»•    tin  '    'he 

utter   l-.nglit.   at    a   limr   wln-u     1 
•f  defending  nix-elf. 
\x.  i-,  ih,  •  nun-  when 

l.eu  tlin  •   •...;.<:.-  in  my  rooms, 
.ting   fn-h   butter     con 
iv,    to    all    api-r.ir.incrs  ;     in     the 
greatest  anguish  of  .-ml.  a-  it  h.i|  : 
Anil   at    the    end    of    another    month     I 
Kiid.  B,  I  rc-.dly  mii-t  di>  SOme- 

thing  aU'iit  this." 

Itut  what  ,-..„/,/  I  do?  After  rating 
[resh  butter  for  four  months  without 

•    1  iiiuldll't  |«.r..-il.l\   tell  the  I 
:    that    1  didn't   like   it.  ami  would 
he  get  salt  in  future.     That  would  I--  !•«> 
ilisurd.      Fancy   taking   four   luoiilli-   to 
liso.ver  a   little  thing   like  tli.it  ' 
•onld    I    pretend    that,  though   I   u-ed    to 
idorc  fresh  butter.  I  had  now  grown  lirrd 
if  it.     I  hate  instability  of  •  and 

I  could  not  lend  myself  to  any  such 
fickleness.  I  put  it  to  you  that  either 
f  these  courses  would  have  shown 
leplorahle  \veaknc.-s.  No,  an  explana- 
tion with  the  1  '  x  that 

time  unpossible;  and  if  anything  was 
to  be  done  1  must  do  it  on  my  own 
responsibility.  What  almut  buying  a 
[xiund  of  Milt  butter  myself,  and  feeding 
on  it  in  wcret  ''.  Trut-  1  should  ha\e  to 
get  rid  of  a  certain  jMirtionof  fn  -h  every 
day,  but  .  .  . 

I  don't  know  if  you  have  rver  tried  to 

t  riil  of  a  certain  portion  of  fresh  butter 
every  day,  when  you  are  living  in  a  flat 
at  the  very  top  of  chaml>rrs  in  l>>ndon. 
l>mp  it  out  of  tin-  window  once  or  twice, 
and  it  is  an  ao'ident.  Three  times,  ami 
it  is  a  coincidence.  Four  times,  and  the 
policeman  on  duty  begins  to  think  that 
there  is  more  in  it  ;if  I  may  KIV  so)  than 
meets  the  eye  .  .  .  Hut  wli.it  about  the 
fin-?  you  will  a»k.  Ah.  yes;  but  1 
could  :  day  when  there  would  l>e 

no  fire.     One  has  to  look  ahead. 

Besides,  a-   1    s.iid,  I    hate  waste.      As 
any  cook  will  tell  you,  the  whole  art  of 
keeping  can    be   summed    up   in 
three  words     \Vnlrh  the  butler. 

More  months  passed,  and   more   p.i  - 
of  \.i-eline.      K\rry   day  made  an  rxpla 
nation  mori-  liopeleaa,     1   had   th<iughts 
at    one    time    of    an    anonymous    letter. 
Sdiiething  in  this  r-i\le: 

"MADAM,  One  who  is  your  friend 
says  beware  of  \.i-clinr.  All  is  ,|i.- 

nivrn-d.     My  I-  !..•  lair.     What 

is  it  makes  the  sen  so  salt 

S.lium  Chloride.     THE  BLACK 

That  would  give  her  the  \: 

at   any  r.iti1.  that    tl,.  two  kinds 

of    buttrr.     Confound    it    all.    by    what 

right    did    (die   assume  without    a-king 

1  liad  a  preference  for  fiv,|,? 

I  have   ii..w  l»i-n    in    i, 

a  year.    Bomethmg  mu-i  !»• 


. 

\       bp  -li  U-<  "111111-     .1      (.in  . 

Meals   winch   |   n  !    i,.,u 


ideal.      N  there  to  !•«•  no  hnjic 
for  me  in  the  fni 

Well,    there     if    a    chance.        1     shall 

,1  until  -Inly  ;   but  with 
thing  definite  in   view    I    am  content   to 

wait, 

In   .Inly  I  h<  ;  iland 

for     t!  Ks.        Two    d.i 

returning    home    I    shall    write    to    my 
r.       Ila\ing    annonni-ed     the 
f    my    return,   and    given    one    or 
two    instructions.    I    -hall    refer    briefly 
to   the    plea-ant    holiday    which    I    ha\c 
I .crn   enjoying.      1  shall  remark  jx-rliap- 
011   the  grandeur  of   the  mounlaii  - 
.  .nity    of    the    vail-  . 

may    ntioii    the   :m  i    in    .-.plan-   mile- 

of  the  i-oiintry  .  .  . 

And  1  shall  dwell  ii|-on  the  habits 
of  the  native. 

"....  They   li\.-     1    shall   writ, 
extraordinary     simplicity,    chielly    n|<oii 
..f     their    farms.       Their 
butler    i-    the    ni"st     delightful    1    have 
ever    tried.      It    is    a    lillle    salt    to    the 

!'iit  after  tlm-c  week-  of  it  I 
to  feel  that  I  shall  never  In-  able  to  do 
without  salt  butler  again!  No  doubt 
as  made  in  I>omlon  it  would  lie  different 
from  this,  but  I  really  think  1  must  give 
it  a  trial.  Si  when  you  are  ordering 
the  things  1  mentioned  for  me,  will  \-u 
a-k  for  salt  butter 

And  if  that  fails  there  remain-  ••nly 
the  one  consolation.  In  thn-e  \ear-my 
lease  is  up.  1  shall  take  a  new  flat 
somewhere,  and  on  the  very  first  day  I 
shall  have  a  word  with  the  new  i 

keeper. 

"Hy  the  way,"  I  bhall  say,  "al-nit 
the  butter  . 


MTSK'AI.   NOT 

Sn.Nou   MARM.'.-UII'-    farewell    i 
dr.-w    an  enormous  crowd  lo  the   I'.lnth- 
-tein    Hall    la.-l    Saturday.      A-    i-    well 
known,  the  famous   pianist    has  d. 
|.i   retire   I"   tl;  ior  thm- 

in  the  company  of  I1  Q  VIAI.U  and 

Mr.  MunurnuoK,  in  order  t"  p.rf.-et  his 
facial  tM-linii|ur  by  cloae  obaecvation of 

the  simian   deni/.ens  of  that  remote  and 
almot-t  impenetrable  region.    The  ] 

s|«>t  where  he  will    pitch    his   lent 

•licially    announced,    but     lln-ie    i- 
U,.<1   rea.-..n    lo   U-hexe   that    it    xvill    U- 

somex\herr        in        the        depend,  -in 

i  "rangia  (  (niangia.    where    the    facilities 
for    anlhropo  pithecoid    study    are    alto- 
gether except  iollal.      Siglior  M  MIMo.-l.  II  l's 
•iiumpli     la.-t     Silurday     was 
arhirvrd   in  Cllons's  Study  on  the  black 
ihe    inipressivencss   of    which    was 
'.     rnhanci'd     by    the     performer's 
ubenJ  ii -e  of  biirni  c..ik.      A-  an  ' 
he    rlimlud    on    |..    the    |o|>"l    ih--  piano. 
ciaeke<l  and  ate  .-rxeral  nut-,  and    threx\ 
the    sin  II-    to    hi-    admirers,    who    were 

I.X       III-      1   \'|UI-|'' 


MAY  22,  1907  .J 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


descension.  Indeed  Mr.  JASIR.U  ;,  jun., 
who  attended  the  performance,  is  re- 
ported to  have  declared  that  in  the 
whole  course  of  his  professional  career 
he  had  never  witnessed  a  more  perfect 
imitation.  

Our  esteemed  and  veracious  contem- 
porary The  Tribune  lias  been  giving  some 
intensely  interesting  details  as  to  the 
equestrian  feats  performed  by  Frau 
VOGL  and  her  horse  in  the  last  Act  of 
Gotterdammerung : — "  When  Briinnhildc 
cried,  'Here,  Grane,  greet  our  friend,' 
he  became  restive,  snorted,  and  pawed  the 
stage.  At  the  moment  she  sang  '  Sieg- 
fried, with  a  last  blessing  I  greet  thee,' 
without  receiving  the  least  sign,  and 
always  at  the  same  bar  of  the  music,  the 
horse  made  ready,  veered  round,  and 
galloped  straight  across  the  stage  towards 
the  burning  logs.  Gripping  his  mane, 
Frau  VOGL  leapt  on  his  back,  and  in  a 
moment  horse  and  rider  disappeared 
among  the  rising  flames."  In  this 
context  it  may  be  worth  noting  that  by 
the  kind  permission  of  the  Editor  of  The 
Spectator,  the  part  of  the  Waldvoyel  in 
Siegfried  will  bo  played  and  sung  at  the 
next  cycle  by  an  extraordinarily  talented 
semi-Bombay  Duck  which  has  long 
been  one  of  the  most  attractive  features 
of  the  palatial  office  in  Wellington 
Street.  A  photograph  of  this  gifted 
and  ingratiating  fowl,  which  has  been 
coached  in  her  part  by  Mr.  PERCY  PITT 
and  Mr.  WADDINGTOK,  the  chorus  trainer 
of  the  opera,  appears  in  the  current 
issue  of  Home  Quacks. 


The  advent  of  M.  KOLOKOTRONIS,  the 
celebrated  armless  klephtic  conductor, 
has  naturally  excited  the  keenest  interest 
in  musical  circles.  M.  KOLOKOTRONIS 
showed  remarkable  talent  as  a  child, 
and  had  already  achieved  success  as  a 
pianist  when  he  was  deprived  of  both 
arms  while  experimenting  with  a  steam- 
piano.  Being  a  man  of  exceptional 
physique  and  agility  it  occurred  to  him 
that  though  the  avenues  to  fame  were 
closed  to  him  as  an  instrumental  per- 
former, he  might  still  achieve  distinction 
as  a  conductor ;  and  his  confidence  has 
been  abundantly  justified  by  results. 
M.  KOI.OKOTUOXIS  dispenses  entirely  with 
a  baton  ;  he  stands  firmly  on  his  left 
leg  and  cor.ducts  with  the  right,  his 
appearance  presenting  a  curious  resem- 
blance to  that  of  a  flamingo.  Born  in 
Arcadia  some  thirty-five  years  ago,  he 
studied  successively  under  M.  PAPADIA- 
MANTOPOULO  in  Athens  and  M.  TASSILO 
HUNYADI  in  Buda  Pesth.  His  mother 
was  a  Koutso-Vlach,  and  he  lately 
married  a  heiress  who  draws  a  princely 
income  from  cobalt  mines  in  the  Blue 
Alsatian  mountains  M.  KOIJOKOTRONIS 
speaks  several  languages  and  is  a  man 
of  most  generous  disposition,  though, . 


Don  Desperado.  "  WHAT  WOULD  YOU  DO  FOB  TWENTY  THOUSAND  POUNDS  ?  " 

Jones.    "I'D   BE   ASHAMED  TO  TELL  YOU." 


as  he  wittily  remarks,  he   never  puts 
bis  hand  into  his  pocket. 


A  decidedly  painful  impression  was 
created  by  Mr.  FRANZ  PITT-RIVERS  at  the 
last  of  his  series  of  Chamber  Concerts 
on  Thursday  evening.  Mr.  PiTT-RiVERS, 
who  has  hitherto  been  justly  regarded 
as  one  of  the  leaders  of  the  modern  anti- 
melodic  school,  introduced  a  new  quintet 
of  his  own  composition  which  is  not  only 
laid  out  on  orthodox  lines,  but,  in  the 
choice  phrase  of  the  musical  critic  of  The 
Outlook,  "  is  replete  with  the  most  tasteful 
and  acceptable  melody. "  We  understand 
that  this  deplorable  recidivism  on  the  part 
of  Mr.  PiTT-RiVERS  has  already  elicited  a 
scathing  denunciation  from  thescarifying 
pen  of  Mr.  CECIL  KELTIE,  the  redoubtable 
hierophant  of  the  Neo-Ossianic  school. 


The  recent  election  of  Sir  HUBERT 
PARRY  to  the  Royal  Yacht  Squadron  has 
naturally  caused  a  great  explosion  of 
nautical  and  aquatic  ardour  at  the  Royal 
College  of  Music.  Sir  CHARLES  STANFORD 
— who  has  for  several  years  been  Vice- 
Commodore  of  the  Round  Pond  Mcxlcl 
Yacht  Club — has  purchased  a  fine  14-in. 
submarine  fitted  with  a  periscope, 
gyroscope  and  bonzoline  ball-bearings. 
Sir  WALTER  PARRATT  has  had  sliding 
seats  fitted  to  the  organ  in  the  con- 
cert-hall; Sir  FREDERICK  BRIDGE  lias 
had  the  conductor's  room  at  the 
Albert  Hall  fitted  up  like  a  captain's 
cabin  ;  a  tromba-mariua  has  been  added 
to  the  College  orchestra ;  and  sea-kale 
is  now  included  in  the  '-cgetables 
reared  in  the  sumptuoob  College 
kitchen-earden. 


370 


1TN<  II.   n|;    Till-; 


<  II  \KI\  \KI. 


[MAT  21'.  1907. 


R.  A.  M.  C. 

Principal  UrJieal  Ofeer.  "Now.  Mt  MAX,  I  WAXT  TOO  TO  flT  Tot  B  i  'SB  or  THE 

AITL*IE»  ix  »..i  L  Vo  aiutftr.)  "  WILL,  THEM  AU  HOME  ARTEKIES  IN  TOI-*  KECK,  1 

M  M <*r..  AIEV'T  Tiitir.  ?  " 

>iy  IVJjMferr  («*o  fcn*  JiMrJ  the  la*  man  fatfly  eontertJ).  "WELL-  THERE'S  SOME  AS 


ODE  TO  A  GENUINE  ANTK 

("A   lortoi**,  •  itatiT*  of  S*yrbell«  nc*r 
M«dag»»f»r.  bat  now  rending  in  M«ur 
Mid  to  have  rMriMd  UM  iMpKUbU  Ht»  of  230."] 

Soon  testimonial  to  tropic  air ! 

lanagcd  dotard  of  an  alien  clime ! 
Hoary  tcstndo !  who  (unlike  the  hare) 
Remain    contented    with     a    skmiali 

time — 

\\  hnt  lecrads  that  impermeable  li 
That  bolda  your  headpierp  in  a  handy 

Hill 


<m  tli" 


\v<ml< 


If  thry  W.T.- 

t.-'ll 
Of  leaf-fringed  savageBwho  worsliippe< 

it. 

I  'r  vowed  to  8C<«'p  ill--  noolad  m.-iilc. 
And     Ktruni,     like     Hermes,    on     tht 

hollowed  shell  ! 

1  «  rnay  be  sweet,  1 
•till 

.  l.'iii.m  ,  i 
br> 
not  say  I  •  until 

iiiK  li"li'  • 


if.  l«-in-.illi  (In-  tn-i-s.  vim  li.iM-s.'ino 

••', 
Sim--  \\--ll  niaturr<l,  rontCBpomy  f-iir. 

ll   ln.l\    IM-I 

n-uirl  h:is  |.r.-.|.f»-as«-'l  yu.  l.iu^h  at 

I  .il.-  ; 

i  ill-  Platystemidie 
\n-  nitirli  alike,  aiul  n»t.  I  fancy,  i 

i   nut 
ihad 

V'.ur  »inli-rrl"thiiiK  wln-n  th.-  Sj-niiR 

i~  ilin-. 

iiit  \v.-:ir  an  I»>'MII-  i-ara|-a<-i-  UMtead, 
('oiii|.l'-ti-ly  r.iinj-pi"f  aid  as  £•• 

new. 

iiai'l'.v  niin«l,   wln«i'   ri'tnwi 

IBM 

Survrys  a  liir.  iiii-nary  of  frogs 

,,T  huntiil  for  your  IIMIIH  ly  • 
How   trivial  1HU-.I   you  i-oiint   lh.-li\is 
of  nil  n 
•  nedwithclnthea.orluridcata] 

if  fa,  I-  !'•  Iilmx  to  tht-  1..C.C.  ! 


\Yho  an-  thiw-  «inninK  t<>  ih-- 

What   i-an-   yu    f'.r   your   \\at.-ry   kin 

•oii.li-iiiiif.1   to  li^un-  •  hut    how  si  iff  the 
l>ri. 

.niiui-  in  our  i  ivic  frasts. 
What   il..  you  know  of  Kn-l.iii-1,  \vli.-n- 

illfll 

Of  merely  human   imi>ort   has  "  tran- 

>|iiriil  " 
>inee  H'.TOliaU-hetl  you  V    ' 

DidrumounofQne  -h  partuiv 

touch 

Yuur  callow  IxiylKunl  ?    Wen-  vmi  greatly 

and 

15y   fiigiues  or   the  liirth-thriK's  of   our 
1'ress? 

<  )h,  attic  shape<l  !   iniiuoliil'-  attitude-  ! 
The    lintil   of    men     l>y    «,<rn 

wnught 

Have  lost  their  faculty  to  lie  and  I 

ilier  upon  nan-lit  ' 
Told  reptile,  thai  is  where  you  ha\e  the 

pull. 
But  should  your  hopes  of  a  millennium 

fade, 

A  nd  commerce  cut  that  spine  of  spirit  void 
For    damsels'     hain-oml^.    in.ix     some 

Hriti.-li  maid. 
Since  truth  is  tou^li  as  \\ell  a.-  Lcaiiliful, 
1  'refer  yur  M>litl  cru>t  to  ,-t  lluloid  ! 


Something  like  a  Microbe. 

KMU.VI  fi-"in  a  letter  in  77i<-  Outlook: 
"Many,  many  noble  ion*  <>(  (in-al  llriuin 


N...'  ' 

•  At-'-  \M-  downhearted ''.  " 

•  vll.iliic.dly  with  clenched  teeth. 

he     h-p'-d     d.-te-talily,    with    a 
Mi-hl  -tult.-r. 


PUNCII,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAY  22,  1907. 


A  SLOW -FIBER. 

FIRST  PEER.  "  HOW  'S  THE  STANDING  MENACE  GETTING  ON  ?  " 

SirosD  PEER  (inspecting   interior).   "WOULDN'T    HURT  A  WOOLSACK.      DONT   BELIEVE   THERE'S 
ANYTHING   IN  IT  !  " 


MAY  22,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


373 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 


of  CciMnons,  .V«»«/<n/.  M<n/  l.'l. 
—The  years  have  sped,  and  much  has 
happened  since  "  Momsy  "  Sri:\ci:i.',  stand 
ing  by  (lie  Box  on  tin1  Opposition  side 
of  the  Table,  artlessly  remarked  apropos 
of  a  liill  under  discussion,  "I  am  not  an 

agricultural  labourer." 

The  MEM  HER  FOR  SAI:K  is  the  pleased 
possessor  of  a  pen-and-ink  sketch  made 
on  the  spot  by  FR\\K  bicKwoon,  present- 
ing the  Member  for  Mid-Northampton- 
shire iii  smock-frock,  hobnail  boots. 
round  felt  hat,  a  crook  carried  in  his 
right  hand  indicating  the  business  of  a 
shepherd.  "BOBBY  has  passed  away 
from  a  sphere  which  one  fancied  his 
supernaturally  high  collar  was  accus- 
tomed to  regard  with  supercilious  glance. 
He  is  a  Peer  in  his  own  right,  Lord 
Chamberlain  by  happy  selection,  arbiter 
of  stage  pieces,  preserver  of  the  amity  of 
nations,  rigidly  regardless  of  the  rights 
of  authors,  the  profits  of  lessees,  the  earn- 
ings of  actors,  and  the  privilege  of  the 
public. 

As  far  as  the  historic  phrase  goes, 
history  has  by  close  analogy  repeated 
itself.  NAPOLEON  B.  HAJJ>ANE  suffered 
to-night  something  more  than  usual  in 
the  way  of  heckling.  First  thirteen 
questions  on  paper  addressed  to  him. 
Many  involved  multiplicity  of  interroga- 
tion. Upon  each,  by  the  indulgence  of 
the  SPEAKER,  followed  supplementary 


XRi'    SO    DECK.mYE. 

"  I  am  not  a  Postman  !  " 
(Mr.  H-ld-ne.) 


WORRYING  THE  MAN  AT  THE  WHEEL. 

Mr.   Morley    bravely    disregards    the    Sloppy    Sentimentalists,    the    Pro-Rebels,    and    the 
Professionally  Anti-British  who,  among  them,  would  loao  India  in  a  week  at  the  best  of  times. 


questions  "  arising  out  of  that  answer." 
It  was  under  shelter  of  this,  of  late  un- 
trammelled, evasion  of  rules  governing 
questions  that  BEU.AIRS  and  CROOKS 
pummelled  each  other  across  the  svelte 
figure  of  N.  B.  H.  BELJAIRS  having  in 
this  fashion  given  Member  for  Woolwich 
one  for  his  nob,  CROOKS  jumped  up  for 
the  third  time  and,  with  vain  assumption 
of  blandness,  remarked,  "  May  I  ask  the 
right  hon.  gentleman  if  he  will  inform 
Mr.  BELI.AIRS  —  -"  &c. 

This  a  novelty  at  the  Question  hour, 
promising  further  to  reduce  possibilities 
of  its  usefulness.  A  Member  not  being 
permitted  directly  to  address  gentlemen 
opposite  with  whom  he  has  difference 
of  opinion  talks  at  him  through  the 
MINISTER.  Thereupon  gentleman  oppo- 
site makes  retort  more  or  less  courteous 
and  requests  the  right  hon.  gentleman 
to  convey  it  as  directed.  But  N.  B.  H. 
has  not  spent  long  nights  in  the 
trenches  for  nothing. 

"No,  sir,"  he  said  firmly,  taking  in 
at  a  glance  the  disputants,  "I  am  not  a 
postman." 

I'nixiiK'KH  rfone.— Dreary  debate  on 
Tariff  Ueform  maundered  adown  slow 
hours  of  night,  yawned  through  by 
scanty  audience,  temporarily  stirred  by 
breezy  speech  from  McKr.NNA. 

House  o/  Lonl.i,  TiK-.-olni/.  -Things 
coining  to  pretty  pass  in  this  august 
assembly.  Threatened  by  attack  from 
outside,  disturbed  from  within  by 
demands  for  reform,  it  is  now  insisted 
that  the  MINISTER  in  charge  of  a  Hill 


shall  know  what  it 's  all  about,  and 
shall  be  prepared  on  brief  notice  to 
enlighten  others ! 

This  revolutionary  principle  enunci- 
ated in  connection  with  motion  for 
second  reading  of  measure  attractively 
entitled  Destructive  Insects  and  Pests 
Bill.  BALFOUU  OF  BURLEIGH,  having 
spent  an  hour  in  puzzled  study  of 
clauses,  admitted  that  he  could  not 
make  head  or  tail  of  them.  Just  when, 
through  the  maze  of  phraseology  he 
thought  the  way  was  clearing,  he  was 
brought  up  by  a  sign-post  referring  to 
some  Act  of  Parliament.  The  LORD 
CHANCELLOR  in  sympathetic  tones  de- 
nounced what  he  described  as  "this 
legislation  by  reference."  Lord  CAWDOR. 
accustomed  to  business  habits,  invited 
I  In  MIMSIKR  OF  AORICOLTUBS  in  charge 
of  the  Bill  to  state  in  a  few  simple 
words  what  its  provisions  were. 

Had  a  bomb  fallen  on  Ministerial 
Bench,  consternation  could  scarcely  have 
been  greater.  CARRIXGTON  taking  up 
copy  of  the  Bill  wildly  turned  over  the 
pages.  Offered  his  copy  to  Leader  of- 
the  House.  Perhaps  he  would  like  to 
say  a  few  words?  Rirox  hastily  shook 
his  head.  It  wasn't  his  funeral.  Not 
for  nothing  was  CARKIXCTON  paid  .Cl'.OOO 
a  year  with  the  privilege  of  making 
allotments  of  Crown  Lands. 

In  dumb  despair  MINISTER  or  AdKlflJL- 
TiiiK  looked  at  ('m:\vi:.  Been  doing  very 
well  of  late;  perhaps  he  would  welcome 
opportunity  of  further  scoring  by  re- 
sponding to  CAWHOU'S  appeal.  CREWE 


PINCH,    <>i:    TIIK    I.MMMiN    CHAIIIVAi;!. 


'Mo  i1:',  1907. 


stared  straight  before  him.  Board  of 
Educmtkm  EM  its  own  destructive  in- 
sects and  pe«ta  without  going  in  Much 
of  specimens  in  fresh  woods  and  pastures 


Embarrassing  pause  followed.    CAV 
came  to  rescue  by  moving  ad- 
of    debate.     This    brought 
to  his  feet  with  pathetic  plea  that 
Agriculturalists  should   not  suffer   be 
cause    methods    of 
legislation    wen 
archaic.      (.'AUIXG- 
iw    promised     to 
publish  and  circu- 
late explanatory  me- 
morandum. \VI 
upon  second  read  ing 
was  agreed  to. 

Then  came  crown- 
ing incident,  llav 
ing  complained  that 
Hill  was  unintel- 
ligible, having 
failed  to  draw  forth 
enlightenment  from 

Mim-terx,        having 

thereupon  rrad  the 
Hill  a  second  lime, 
ami  Standing  <  'i 
ders  requiring  that 
next  stage  should 
be  taken  on  subse- 
quent dsy,  nol  ill- 
Lords  hurriedly 
read  Hill  a  third 
time  and  declared 
i  -  •  • 

Itutinftf  done. — 
Quite  a  lot.  Having 
met  at  4.15,  Lords 
did  not  rise  till  6.20. 

T  h  u  r  i  d  a  y  . 
Commons     ad- 
journed for  Whitsun 
A  meagre 
•8  holiday. 


Tin:  i.iMi:i;i«'K  r.r.Nfii. 

[Hi*    Honour   Judge    Oro.   the    " 
Pinwpix,"  burnt  into  •  Limerick  in  hi*  court 
•I  Cardiff  re*teniay.     A  defendant  said  be  bad 
•imply  called  upon  the  solicitor  interested  about 
•rune  other  nutter  than  that  leUting  to  the 
action  before  the  court 
"  Oh  ! "  uid  Judge  ()•  rx  at  once. 
'•  There  waa  a  young  lady  of  Cirenceater, 
Who  went  to  tee  a  aoli 


in  Irery- 


1/r.  C*-pt-M  la 


THE  Secretary  of 
(apparently)  the 
"  Edinburgh  and 
Uiih  Shopkeepers' 
Excursion  '  is  one 

of    those    cheerful  m<mr 

souls  who  always  try  to  make  the  best 
of  things.  The  Spring  Excursion  in- 
cluded Peterhend,  of  which  he  writes : 
The  Scottish  Prison  Board  hare  built  the 
to  acrommodau  over  000  coo- 
.  .  five  the  landscape 


a  proof  of  how  safe  the  Si  mud  ran  be 
c\en  under  tin-  mod  exception*]  rin-um 
iv.-s  "ii  tli--  I'M  person  of 
Ancrley  — 

\Vbose  conduct  waa  strange  and  unmannerly. 

Hi-  r.in  iluun  I 

\Vitll  :\  |  l«  in  earli  I 
But  it-turned  every  eicnin*;  • 

.'.•ic.-  in  rourf. 

iii,  Mr.  Justice  DAM  how 

in   a   \\-\g."   ;is 
In-  h;ii  li;i|'|'il-. 
rallnl,        DM        jli»t 
M-Itlnl        tin-       |>r» 
ilill'u  ully 

till'    S 

('minty     Crii-krt 

Clul,  .::,.!   Mr.  C.  II. 

l-'liY  by  quoting  the 

lines: 

•  •  wna  an  old  man 
i.f  Ih-iiK.il 

\\  l.n  psroksssd  a  bat 

:uul  n  ball, 

and 

some  p*da: 
It    was   ono   of    l.i» 

Kor   l.i'   i 


all. 


PEACE  PROSPECTS. 

'It     i-i     ; 

i  pie  of 

the  Hague  Conference 
in  other  directions.] 

l'i«\i!MA\ii  \rpro- 
positii'iis  are  pass- 
ing In'tueell  the 

Suffragettes  and  the 
j'olife.  in  pursuance 
of  the  )..  iliey  known 
;itin^'  down  the 
iiinhrellas. 

inly     mai 
U1  decided  liy 
-   \\irket 


inali-li  lii't«i'i-ii    tlie 


Tss  Tiuuru  or  THE  Ou>  Scnoou 
PntottiiM.— "  Well,  my  dear;   we  may  be  a  Mi   ohl  fashioned 


bat  we  fairly  knock  'em  in  the  raburba  ! 


i   a  man  is  wasted  at  Leith  or 
txlinburgh  ;  he  should  lire  at  Epsom. 

Commercial  Candour. 
FBOK  sn  sdrt  •  player: 

"  Afl  nmatc  U  alike  to  the  C- 


Whsn  Baked  for  the  fee, 
She  said. '  Fiddled 
I  merely  looked  in  aa  a  titilor.' "— Star.] 

1 1   i*  hardly  nec«war>'  to  say  that     in 
this    imitative    worM       tin-    habit    IKIH 
spread,  and  already  tin-  lu-arin«  of  n<> 
cos*  i«  iiuii|>li-ti>  without  one  or 
MI  and  other  v 
•i  an  ap|«-.il  f»r  .1 

whii-h  ttirmil  >i]«,n  a  li].«  k  in  tin-  Strand 
and  iiiiiM'tpient  injury  to  tin-  |>laintin°.~ 
Hi--  ll'iiiniir  Juil^c-  HVI..V.  kii(i\\n 
tin-  '  I'!  •  n  ubur  <-iii-il  as 


of 


In  order  I" 
].rrjnry      within 

•nalili'  limits, 

an    airrivnii-nl     lias 

.   t'i  liy  tlie 

Tariff   Ili'forin    anil 

I'l.c.li-  )... 
fal.-i  h..-'l 


on  a  basis 
diem. 

:i     lhe.ltlir.,1     ,  ileles     that 

some  finality  nni-t  I.e  put  i..  competition 

111  ailverli-enient  animif,'  aetre-ses.      Car 


l.'iits  and   li«ss«'s  of  jewi-lli-ry 
arc  tu  U'  ri^iirmi.sly  rcdnrcil   in  nninlH-r. 

Bwbmning  tin-  C%anne]  and   nriiiK 

for  tin-  Anii-rii-an  Cii|i  an-  U)  1"'  'lc.  i'lnl 
•ar  I'V  arraii^ciui'iit  in  iininiripal 
liatli<;  whilr  the  IHMVV  weight  i-liaiii].ioll- 
.-hi|>  of  the  world  will  IK;  reffrred  to 
arbitration. 


MAV  22,  1907.] 


rUNCII,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


375 


MAKING    INSURANCE    DOUBLE    SURE. 

(enjas'nig  new  rooj;).  "  WELL,  I  SUPPOSE  YOU  TAX  DO  CLEAH  SOCPS  AND  SAVOURIES  AND  THAT  SORT  OF  THING  ?  " 
Cook.  "No,  MUM,  I  CAN'T  SAY  AS  I  CAN.    BUT  I'M  A  BLUE  RIBBON,  I'M  PUFFICKLY  SOUXD   is  WIND   AJJD  LIMB,  AND  AIN'T  GOT  NOBODY 

pvnivn   nv    if  IT  I  " 


DEPEND  111  Q   ON    ME  !  ' 


THE  PLAINT  OF  A  PLAYGOER. 
I  i<  >  not  sing  of  music-halls 

That  draw  admirers  of  the  high-kick, 
Nor  rhapsodise  within  the  stalls 

Of  theatres  that  boom  the  psychic  ; 
Of  course,  tastes  differ,  but  although 

De  gustibus  non  (/i.^m/«m/n?n 
I  think  the  ballet  far  too  slow, 

And,  as  for  problem  plays,  can't  stand 
'em. 


me  the  good  old-fashioned  kind 

(if  drama  of  the  "  heavy  "  order  : 
DOUOTHY,  pale,  domuro,  refined, 

And  cousin  UAI;OM>  who  adored  her; 
The  rival  with  the  golden  hair 

\\  ho  swears  he  shall  not  wed  Another  ; 
Mamma  who  finds  (lie  millionaire 

Is  after  all  her  long-lost  brother. 

I  loved  to  watch  tln\  villain's  rag,\ 
As  with  a  gait  that  proved  him  knock- 
kuee'd 


He  ramped  and  ranted  round  the  stage, 
And  swore  in  accents  plainly   Cock- 


Beneath  his  spell  the  stalls  grew  numb, 
And  matrons  in  the  pit  would  tremble 

When  he  declared  a  time  would  come, 
Or  warned  his  partner  to  dissemble. 

And  then  the  tension  of  that  scene 

When,  heedless  of  our  boos  and  hisses, 
Sir  RITKRT  meets  the  heroine, 

And    then   and   there   demands   her 

kisses ; 
One  moment  more  decides  her  fate  ; 

\\  e  hear  her  voice  for  help  appealing  ; 
When  lo,  the  hero  vaults  a  gate, 

And  sends  his  adversary  reeling. 

And  oil,  the  final,  crowning  phase 
When     RITERT     fires     that     double- 
barrelled 

Revolver  at  the  wings  and  slays 
The  village  lunatic  (not  HAROLD)  ; 

Tis  here  we  get  an  extra  thrill, 


For,  ere  the  idiot  goes  aloft,  he 
Owns  he  purloined  the  missing  will, 
And  begs  them  to  forgive  "poor  Softy." 

This  is  the  rich,  full-blooded,  rough, 

Ripe,  mellow  drama  that  is  real, 
And  though  some  think  it  mawkish  stuff 

It  represents  my  fond  ideal ; 
And  ere  you  scorn  my  taste  for  love 

Triumphant,  every  ill  surmounting, 
Remember,  as  I  said  above, 

For  certain  tastes  there 's  no  account- 
ing. 


THAT  remarkable  prophet "  LINESMAN  " 
was  right  on  the  spot  again  last  week 
with  this  extraordinary  prognostication 
of  the  Kent  and  Somerset  match  : 

"  Somerset  are  a  useful  combination  and  there 
might  be  a  surprising  result,  but  on  the  other 
hand  there  might  not." 

This,  it  will  be  remembered,  was 
exactly  what  happened. 


PUNCH,  <»i;  TIIK  LONDON  «'II  \IMV.\HT. 


;MW  ge,  i ;•••:. 


CHARIVARIA. 

inij.1    aptly    U-   Jew-rilled 


as 


ihe  spoilt   fluid   of    the   nations. 

iiooour  seems  • 

managers  of  tli-  •  nion 

1      - 
,    . 

•  * 

Meanwhile  i1  in  figure* 

•    .     !  .  -•    •         I    . 

unsettling  I"  little  l«'.vs  who  are  learning 

that  it  is  the  rewult .  '  lemic 

of  earthquakes        (   0 

•iiel.v.  several  alterations  have 
been  made  in  the  K.\hil>iti»n  gruiinds. 
Tlie  most  noteworthy  is  th.. 

the    \\Vlo  .me  (Mill.. 

On    two    acres    of 
formerly  dc 
ntcrtain- 
which  ciuild 
had     no    . 
nivtion      will)      tin- 


As    Soni.  have    UM-II    :i| 

ing  at  the  Hippodrome  who  h"ld  them 
Delves  out    to   U-  •  Tt.<   Ch.impi   i! 
Keller^."  i'  l>   f-'ir  to  |«'int  out 


THK 

Tm:i;K  were  thr.-.-  of  us     and  a  U«»k. 
The    l««.k    had    IH-.-II    in  the   lions.-  f..r 

,:id  we  had  all  thrr.-d.-v 
i  '(tampion  !""'  iH-ginning  to  end. 

It  U'-.m    in  an   o-tenlalioiis  way  with 
p*iiti\ely  l.rillianl  pai;es  here  and  t 
Inn    the   end    wa-    the    eml  .-liment    of 

uli;arity. 

''in-  page.  li..v\e\er.  near  the  middle, 
contained  something  so  beautifn]  that 
It  made  us  hi  -  '  :  -••  the 

whole  volume  a-  wortldesa. 

After  a   long  silence   1   summoned  up 
courage    to    rem.uk.   "  /    think   il 
<  .niventional." 

••That  's  just    what    I    admire   in    it." 


Aualarmii  .;  increase  in  lunacy  w  ill.  it 
:,d.-ntlv  f..  ret.  .Id,.  shortly  take  \ 
•  ir  llial  t!  !"•  new  in 

tax  furiii-   l'\  ihe-i.|e..|   which  the  I'P.- 
chiires  at  present  in  u-ewdl  !»•  found  to 
' 


/;  '  '  ..r 

*   * 

Tin-   1'ily   uf   l»nd.'ii    I.l.vtiie 
Anilmlan.v  Scrvicewas  inaugural.  -d  la-t 
week  liy  u  in.iki-  lielii'vr  a.vident.  u  eal>- 
alti-ndaiil  lit  tin'  Conldliall    leii'lini;  liiiu- 


cried  .'i  \s  , 


M 
has  now  Ui-ii 

u     liainl 
•omellalian  ^.inlrii. 

Fiuiliion 

Tin-  An-liiUvtiir.il 
K...III  at  tin-  I 
Academy  is  no 
longer  die  liaunt  of 
•  •".  Young 
couplen  wli.i  wi-li 
to  be  nli  HIP  now 
board  an  Knibank- 

roent  train. 

•  * 

So   f.ir   ijuili-   tin- 
of 
the    May   Me. 

bM  IK-.-II    tin-  : 

ing   of   April     ami 

May.     It  was  quitr  a  long  linn-  U-f..n-   wlf  for  the  purpcwe. 


Jarrry. 


\Vini  IKI  in  .,i\ii  1111:1.   M\K  i.v.   I'AT?" 

Vli.f,  S.IRI,   MAIKI.V.    >%!•    I   .1  UIST»   IX   THK  MIHHRI." 


very  conventionality  is 

the  sa\  ing  of  it." 

•  /      .-..nsider     it 
lias  a  cliaracl.  i    all 
il-    own."     pill     in 
\l  VIMII  .      "  and       I 
think  it  will  last." 

"  bid  Con-in  TOM 
like    it  ?  "    I    asked 
1  always    j  ut 
faith        in       Cousin 
T.IM'S  ji;.l 

"  I'm  ..fraid  TOM 
in  a  hurry.' 
answered  -Ir.iN;  "he 
merely  said.  '  l  >h. 
hang  the  thing,  il  V 
all  right" 

•  I  'on't  yon  think 
it's     just     a     trille 
light   in   lone  for  a 
library  like  inineV  " 
I  hinted 

"1    UK. 

wouldn't  dare  to 
/,*,/,•  at  it  if  I  "en- 
ill,"  mused  MVIMIK 
•  I  think  it  would 


they  could  !»•  \*  -r-uad.-.l  t,.  part  company. 

The  deadly  .jiii.-t  of   l>.n.|.  n   i-  aU.ut 
U)  be  .  I.;,   an   impmvol   - 

of  Road  Trains.      f  ( 

Charily  over-reachra  itself  some  times. 
The  other  day  there  was  a  sad  disaster 


It    is    hoprd,  how 


t  on  my  nerves 


at  Sboreham 
ontera    were 


ever,  that   plenty  of  genuine  canes  will 
IM-  f. -rtli. •<  lining. 


%* 


A  remarkalile  golfing  incident  is  re- 
|Nirte<l  fn.in  Newark.  Mr.  MIM:\  I'.n.xoi:. 
while  jilaying  fnnu  the  fourth  tee,  drove 
his  Kill  into  the  l,V..-r  I  >.-\..n  and  killed 
a  lish  nearly  1' MIS.  in  weight.  It  i-  -.up 


liy    which    a    niiiul.i  r    of  poaed  that  the  lish  had  U-eu  coniinenting 


' 


to 


and 


dr»wm-l.      It  is  no-,-  i  to  i.pi-n  a 

fund   for   the   rclativi-*.     M'his  in  i-urely 
charity  run  mad. 


V 


Hisa    MAHJOUE   Suoovrnt,  who  has 
distinguisbe«l  henelf  at  KnMlxnirne  by 
.:  an  orcheatnt,  has  been  inter 
•  about  with  my  p«renU 

she    told  Dilative 

I. Nl    I  d»  have 


her.. 


hard  on  tl 


Kit 


uralily  on  Mr.  HKKVOU'H  game. 


*  * 
* 


The    reference  ill   the  papers  the  other 
-   a    h-.Mi.-r    of    fortune   who    had 
'    under  eii;ht.-.-n  I! 
r.nilioii  on  i 

who    is   making  a  similar   statement    in 

ling  to  the  charilalile.     The  fel|.,»'s 

Iv  Irue  in   tin  r  that 

he  wn«  lnirie.1  beneath  a  mas  ol  Lunting 

which  Iilew  do«n  during  the  i 


his  «.i\  out. 


l>.nd..ii    and    had    to   light 


"  No  one  ever  suggested  that  it  was 
suitahle  for  tl  •  in."  said  .II  vs 

.scornfully  ;  "  it-  pi.  ice  i-  the  lil.i  , 

"  My   the   way.'    1    said.  "  what    is    the 

price?" 

"Stiff."    said     .MUMIK;     "four-and- 


"Ah!    thai  setil.  -   ,         I       id. 

And  llml  i-  how  il  came  aUiiit  that  ill 

the  end  the  library  was  done  in     S  Mini's 
i  inir.  iMsii.Mi'KK." 


\\'i    have  intercepted  a   Cerinan  Tele- 
.  )i  it  1  1  le.nl-  a.s  loll.,  w  -  :       "  At.PONHO 

I'll)    ClII-IIVi     KlK    \lilii      l-'ll  \\ll-io    (illll- 

KHMO  CVIM..-  I-'.MM^I 

.\MoMViVl  S\M    |o|[         slc.p        ollject  tolllS- 

ii  ..f  tin-  p      never  heard 

..f     Vi  \  v1..  arrangf     for      my 


n.  itne  |o  l»-  slarnil  in  his   |,|.i,  .   _-t.i|, 

.iihrrwi-e  in-i-t.in  itopnoadiogEn  »nt*i 

•  il  II  I.KI1MO." 


MAY  *£*,  1907.J 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


377 


THE    FORTUNATE    ISLE. 

[According  to  the  Report  of  the  Intermediate  Education  Board  for 
[reland,  the  average  salary  of  a  Lead  teacher  in  Ireland  is  less  than 
£100  a  year.  "National  teachers,"  say  the  Irish  Comm'ssloners  for 
Education,  "  should  be  persons  of  Chnstian  sentiment,  calm  temper, 
and  discretion  ;  imbued  with  a  spirit  of  peace,  obedience,  and  loyalty  ; 
not  only  possessing  the  art  of  communicating  knowledge,  but  capable 
of  moulding  the  mind  of  youth,  and  of  giving  a  useful  direction  to  the 
power  which  education  confers."] 

STAY,  PAT  !     Turn  again  from  your  emigrant  fancies 

Of  cities  of  gold  at  the  ends  of  the  earth  ; 
Give  over  your  dreams  and  your  idle  romances. 

And  turn  once  again  to  the  land  of  your  birth. 
The  true  El  Dorado  is  here  in 

Old  Erin, 

The  country  fools  christen  the  land  of  distress, 
And  here  shall  you  find  honest  merit 

Inherit 

The  power  and  the  place  that  it  ought  to  possess. 
Dame  fortune  keeps  her  smile,  my  boy, 
For  the  lads  of  Hibernia's  isle,  my  ,boy : 
Then  why  should  you  roam 
From  your  emerald  home 
If  you  're  after  amassing  a  pile,  my  boy  ? 

We  know,  PAT,  it  isn't  your  nature  to  clamour 
For  over-much  toil  of  the  brain  or  the  arm  ; 
For  you,  lad,  the  strenuous  life  has  no  glamour, 

The  feverish  struggle  possesses  no  charm  ; 
So  \ve  've  found  you  a  sinecure,  Paddy, 

My  laddie, 

A  snug  little  berth  where  you  live  like  a  lord, 
And  pocket  the  gold  and  exhibit 

Ad  libit. 

The  virtues  which  spring  of  their  own  sweet  accord. 
Just  be  the  natural  PAT,  my  boy  ; 
You  can't  do  better  than  that,  my  boy. 
You  've  nothing  to  do 
But  just  to  be  you 
If  you  're  eager  to  kick  and  wax  fat,  my  boy. 

Your  temper,  of  course,  must  be  even  and  steady — 

That 's  easy  enough  with  your  fine  native  phlegm  ; 
If  parents  are  trying  you  '11  always  be  ready 
With  patient  endurance  to  listen  to  them. 
You  will  teach  all  your  boys  con  amore 

The  glory 

Of  meekly  obeying  the  powers  above, 
And  your  warm  Celtic  heart  will  rejoice  to 

Give  voice  to 

The  duty  of  treating  the  Saxon  with  love. 
You  '11  never— no,  never— let  fall,  my  boy, 
Black  words  of  wormwood  and  gall,  my  boy. 
When  Britishers  brag 
Of  their  wide-ruling  flag 
You  '11  never  look  daggers  at  all,  my  boy. 

Of  course,  we  '11  expect  you  to  teach — mathematics, 

Soino  physics,  perhaps,  and  some  chemistry  too, 

With  history,  Latin,  French,  German,  and  statics— 

But  that 's  a  mere  trifle,  dear  PADDY,  to  you. 
This  thought,  when  your  pupils  annoy  you, 

Should  buoy  you  : 

As  soon  as  you  're  able  to  make  it  quite  clear 
You  're  a  Crichton-cum-Solon-cum-Cato- 

cum-Plato, 

Why  then  you  may  hope  for  a  hundred  a  year ! 
Dame  Fortune  keeps  her  smile,  my  boy, 
For  the  lads  of  Hibernia's  isle,  my  boy : 
Then  why  should  you  roam 
From  your  emerald  home 
If  you  're  after  amassing  a  pile,  my  boy  ? 


CURE  HAT 

OBESITY 


ANOTHER    OF    LIFE'S    LITTLE    IRONIES. 


An  Unwritten  Letter. 

MY  DEAR  NoRTnci.iFFE, — Everybody  remembers  your  out- 
spoken admiration  for  my  talents  at  the  time  of  the  General 
Election,  and  how  nobly  you  boomed  me  in  the  columns  of 
The  Daily  Mail,  to  the  great  indignation  of  your  own  party. 
To  your  assistance  (under  Heaven  and  aided  by  the  cry  of 
Chinese  Slavery,  that  admirable  "  inexactitude  ")  I  owed  more 
than  I  can  say.  Disloyalty,  as  you  know,  is  repugnant  to  my 
nature,  and  I  never  forget  a  service.  I  trust  that  after  my 
utterance  in  the  House  last  Wednesday  you  will  regard  yourself 
as  well  repaid.  Yours  very  faithfully, 

WINSTON. 


The  Alien  Invasion. 

"  '  Queen  ELIZABETH  and  her  Court  receiving  the  French  Ambassador 
after  the  news  that  St.  Bartholomew  had  reached  England'  (0.  Coope), 
a  striking  picture  in  which  the  QUEEN  is  shown  pensive  after  the 
ambassador  had  told  his  dreadful  news."—  Cork  Cong'itut'.cn. 


A  MAN  boasting  the  name  "  Whistling  WILSON  "  professes 
(says  The  Evening  News)  to  be  able  to  play  the  National 
Anthem  and  other  simple  tunes  on  a  tin  whistle  witli  his  ear. 
This  is  indeed  to  have  an  ear  for  music. 


"  Overcoat  of  Flesh  Dining  at  any  of  the  CBOTTO  CAFES." — Guardian. 

SOLUTIONS  to  be  sent  to  the  Punch  Office.  To  ensure  absolute 
impartiality,  we  have  decided  that  Mr.  G.  L.  JESSOP  and  Mr. 
A.  C.  BENSON  shall  be  the  judges. 


PUNCH,  OR  TilK   l."M»"N   CIIAI;I\  AIM. 


Mu  I':', 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Punch'*  Staf  of  learned  Clerk*. ) 
IT  was  a  happy  thought  of  liusais  WARD,  !/•<  K  A  Co.  to 

...  ...;•- 

-    ;   •   i  ' 


" 


I  '  .!•- 


and  M  I 


prevented  from  doing  the  book  full  justice  w  hen 

' 


it  fint  came  out  in   '  ••  more  glad  to  h  -. 


opportunity  of 
ranked  among  the 


critically  wit  li  a  •  'i  is  already 

The  plot  of  Mi  -=  book 


gets  carried  away  by  her  own  emotions,  and  introduces  us 
later   on    to   a   tapioca 
jmdding  which  is  out  of 
the    pit-tun-    altogether. 
The   author's 


house  in   tin  -middle  »f   a   fancy-dress    hall.      "With 
h.in.U.  aii-l  'kling   with   cxcitcmen'  .its   for 

-ul»liie  tin-  surging   rahhle  with   a  wave  of   his   hand. 
*hite  with  indignation,  girea  him  a  piece 

I.  -ft    IM  i  and  pa.->ed  out   into  tli.'  dark- 

ness." However.  she  tak<  -  him  hack  again,  he  l.a\ing  in  tin* 
meantime  -a\.-d  her  I'rother's  life,  so  \\e  hurriedly  re|.laee 
our  handkerchiefs.  The  other  In  -mine,  \vln~e  lile  i.-,  inter- 
twined with  th.'-e  i.f  tli.-  h.ip|.\  pair,  has  an  iilea  fur  reforming 

and  not  a  had  idea  cither,  hut    it  mi~-.es  lire.  :i 
will.  and  ch'1  falls  hack  on  the  doincsl.  that's 

all  ri«ht  too.  _ 


The  heroine  of  Miss 


I.   SnjiKRBAn's  novel.  Tl- 


-melr  simple,  and  it  is  rather  on  character-drawing 

•     •         •,  ; . .    -  •  r  !••  :••'••••-    snj '    d  lf<  n    •  .  real    •  -     - 

/iicttf  ./<•  Sfmotde  ou  F/orw./<i  heing 
described  with  an  extraordinary  minuteness  and  attention  to 

small  onion  on  pnge  613  would  bring  tears  UM  ft?omnufa  (OomTABic),  is  what  botanists  would  call  a  "sport, 
the  eyes  of  any  mother ;  hu-  ..writer  and  as  a  good  maay  of  her  doings  are  the  accompaniments  of 

"   a  quest  for  a  hlue  daffodil  wlrch  is  really  •  "  it  i-  not 

at  all  inappropriate. 
She  .  a   family 

which  is  tryin. 
hy  just  iH-rmissihle  arti 
fices  to  conceal   the  gap 
hetwtvn  the  ends  which 

to      meet.          Her 

father  is  an  ex-army 
captain,  a  luck 
gamhler,  and  a  weak 
kne»nl  upholder  of  his 
ludicrously  effete  dig- 
nity. It  i-  to  save  his 
name  in  the  matter  of 
a  debt  of  honour  that 
his  daughter  ,1  uliu 
detenu'  '-  to  IM-COIIW 
possessed,  hy  fair  or 
foul  means,  of  the  valu- 
able daffodil  hulh.  Her 
I  18  a  Ijlleer  Jet 

convincing    mixture   of 

the  laws  of  n.v.-—  Hy, 
which  know  no  law, 
and  the  laws  of  honour, 
which.  lieing  un- 
writl.-n.  are  i: 
I  Ine  part  of  her,  indeed, 
is  a  rather  had  lot.  hut 
the  other  part  comes 
out  top.  and  s«  (he 
moralists  have  it.  Per- 
sonally. I  like  Imtll 
p. ill-.  I  like  also  the 
cliannilii;  picture  of  the 

hutch   town    with    it-    Lull.   farm,  and    it.-   sl.ud    inhahitanls. 

In  fact,  1  like  the  whole  l~.,k 


u.il.-.    hut     I 
abould     nut    !»•    doing 

If  justice  if  I  l.ul'-'l 

.in. -lit  i.  Hi  1. 

tain  n  ia  n  nor  i  sum  which 
heart  all  lira.  Bo 
work.  "  Bring  slowly 
to  the  boil"  is,  for 
instance,  an  irritating 
phrase  which  recurs  on 
almost  every  other  page. 
"  Bake  in  a  <]iiick  oven 
till  lin»wn."  "Take  a 
piece  <>f  lnitt-T  tli. 
of  a  walnut,"  and 

•ose  a  deep  fryi»K- 
paii,"  are  others  all  of 
which  niay  pass  muster 
M  epigram*  upon  a  first 
reading.  hut  it  in  as 
well  to  speak  plainly 
they  cannot  bear  the 
strain  of  repetition  to 
which  the  author  sub- 
ject* tin-in.  There  are 
several  beautiful  illus- 
tration* in  colour,  which 
add  gniilly  tothedmnu 
of  the  book ;  and  I 
would  (urticuLirly  i.dl 
ait. -nil. .M  l»  an  adimr.ilile  reproduction  of  tin-  well  known 
"  WhiteUiit,  with  Ix-mon." 


THE    LAST    HOLE. 

\  1UVK    H.'l  IIH1    Il.TLL. 


Mouiht  (BLACKWOOD),  by  BETH  ELLIS,  is  a  curious 
medley  of  careful  plans  and  reckless  dfnouemmtt.  There 
are  two  heroinea,  and  only  one  real  hero.  There  is  no  villain 
to  speak  of.  Indeed,  you  feel  quite  sure  from  the  start  that  it 
is  going  to  be  a  happy-ever-after  story  i  are  ri^ht. 

I.  the  daughter  of  a  lar^e  inine-OWD'  . 

in  lore  with  A'i(  Dent,  a  strong  Socialist  ami  the  ;._-.  m  <>f  her 

father's  miners.   They  get  engaged,  and  up  to  tin-  p.-int  all  is 

plain  sailing.     But  here  the  agent  dcv,  nal  .  l,.u.i.- 

teristica.    By  all  the  rules  of  the  game  heouxlu  to  l» 

in  every  respect    one  of  nature's  gentlpmen     Km  h.-  i-n't. 

.11.  d  |-«»r  Biee,  after  the  first  flush  of 

over  bis  badly-fitting  clothes  and 

manners.    The  supremo  moment  comes  when    the  min>  r>. 

maddened  by  a  starvation  gt. 


A  few  years  agoawi-'-.  fa-tidi-.u-  ami  -om.-uh.it  melan- 
choly hut  always  charming  l«^k  wa-  puhli-hc-d  under  the 
title  of  lilli-hiiritt.  It-  author,  who  calls  him.-elf  .h.iiv 
II  M  -II\M.  ha-  i  P.W  -up  pi  ied  us  w  it  h  a  pendant  named  /.- 

3      MI.  l-'.i  i>i  u  .  in  which   much  the  -am. •   .pialili.  -  are 
to   In.'    found,   although    its    melam-holy.    I    think,    i-    de.-p.-r 

Kut  it  has  great  merit,  and   could  not.  as  some  01 

of  a  kindred  work,  Ix-  read  in  a  motor  car.      To  all  who  want 
1   their  intellect    in   thi-   f.-veri.-h  ,.../ 

nvoinincndcd. 

The  Lodging-House  Season. 

ftimntl'  fn>nt  it  llfnllh  Ifi'inirt. 

"""i-  .:i..i.  ;.t  Msmfask aad tb* growiM 

•  I   iM-riii.ni    ic^ 

.  I'utt. 


Mn   29,    I'.IOT.J 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    C1IAKI VAKI. 


3Zfl 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIIKIIK  is  no  doiilit  alxmt.  (lie.  lioir  to 
the  Spanish  throne  being  a  line  lusty 
boy.  It  took  more  than  forty  bishops 
and  archbishops  to  christen  him. 


V 


The  proceedings  at  the  annual  athletic 

meeting  of  the  Hotel  Employees'  Society 
the  other  day  brought  out  one  interesting 

fact.       Some    of    the  races    proved    that 
waiters  can  hurry  when  they  want  to. 


*  * 


A  dear  old  lady,  on  reading  that 
several  aerolites  weighing  5  cwt.  each 
had  fallen  in  the  Ghazipur  district  of 
India,  remarked  that  these  balloonists 
appeared  to  be 
astonishingly  heavy 

" 


Owing  to  drastic  measures  taken  in 
consequence  of  an  epidemic  of  hydro- 
phobia the  town  of  Cynthiania  in 
Indiana  is  now  without  a  single  dog. 
The  news,  we  understand,  has  created 
immense  excitement  in  feline  circles. 
and  nervous  cats  from  every  quarter 
of  the  American  Continent  are  said  to 
be  flocking  into  the  town. 

A  "Fun  City,"  in  the  style  of  Coney 
Island,  is  to  be  built  near  Rhoreham. 

Suggested  title : — Coney  Hatch. 
*  * 

Printers'  Pie  is  rich  in  humour  this 
year,  and  those  who  love  a  laugh  should 
on  no  account  miss  an  article  by  Mr. 


.It  is  perhaps  not 
altogether  un- 
natural that  the 
Irish  party  should 
have  waxed  indig- 
nant at  the  arrest 
in  India  of  a  gen- 
tleman named  R/U 

I'M 

*  * 

In  consequence 
of  an  oversight  the 
rumour  has  got 
about  thatSirlli-Aia 
(  'vMi'iiKi.t,-  BANNER  - 
M  \N  has  become  the 
Mother  of  the  House 
of  Commons. 

*  * 
* 

As  a  result  of  the 
recent  discussion  on 
the  question  "  Does 
an  (  'rchestra  aid  Di- 
gestion V  "  a  capital 
innovation  was  in- 
troduced at  a  ban- 
quet the  other  day. 
The  band  played  during  the  more  trying 
of  the  speeches.  *  * 

A  London  County  Council  steamboat 
collided  with  t  he  Tower  Bridge  last  week. 
The  bridge  iw  blamed,  as  although  the 
steamboat  whistled  the  bridge  refused 
to  budge.  #  # 

* 

A  pickpocket,  when  charged  at  the 
Woolwich  Police  Court,  explained  that 
he  was  experimenting  with  a  device  to 
protect  the  public  from  men  of  his  trade. 
The  magistrate  showed  practical  sym- 
pathy with  this  laudable  aim  by  ordering 

the  prisoner  to  be  locked  up  for  a  vear. 

*  * 
* 

As  a  matter  of  fact  we  know  no  device 
so  effective  in  preventing  pocket-picking 
as  the  old-fashioned  one  of  keeping  a 
ferocious  dog  in  each  pocket.  Any 
prying  finger  is  then  promptly  bitten  oft. 


Tommy.    "  DOES   IT   MAKE  ANY   DIFFERENCE   IF    BABY   TAKES  ALL   HIS   MEDICINE  AT   ONCE?" 

Baby's  Mother  (in  horror).  "  GOOD  HEAVENS  !     OF  COURSE  IT  DOES  !  " 
Tommy.  "BUT  IT  HASN'T  MADE  ANY  DIFFERENCE." 


WILLIAM  LE  QUEUX  entitled,  "Some 
Royalties  I  know."  We  are  sorry,  how- 
ever, to  gather  that  this  pet  of  the 
Crowned  Heads  of  Europe  takes  a  pessi- 
mistic  view  of  them.  "Emperors  and 
kings  are,  after  all,  ordinary  mortals, 
very  much  like  ourselves,"  says  Mr. 
LK  QUEUX.  *  * 

"  I  know  of  two  Prime  Ministers  who 
have  read  Public  Opinion  regularly," 
says  The  Daily  News.  We  know  of  at 
least  one  who  has  mis-read  it. 

V 

A  "Curio  Club"  has  just  been 
formed.  This  must  not,  be  confused 
with  the  National  Liberal  Club. 


"WANTED,   Farmer's  Son,  from   16  to  18, 
to  assist  master,  help  milk  a  few  cows  ;  treated 

us  nnr."      ]\  fulcra  Mnnint'j  ?\CIIH. 

RATHER  brutal,  we  think. 


HOW  TO. LOOK  FIFTY  AT 
TWENTY-FIVK. 

BY  llvcn.NK  C.\M«pri;. 
(\\~iilt  aeknoultdgmtnti  in  the  n*>nil  <ymi /•/.'/•.) 

W ii AT  are  the  qualities  in  a  man  that, 
appeal  to  the  softer  sex  ?  Not  the  callow 
inexperience  of  youth,  but  the  riper 
aspect  of  mature  and  well-seasoned  man- 
hood. How  to  look  old  is  the  burning 
question  of  the  day,  and  the  following 
hints  may  be  found  serviceable. 

Five  or  six  hours'  hard  work  .with  the 
Indian  clubs  every  morning  Avill  be 
sufficient,  even  in  the  robtiStest  canes,  to 
produce  that  interesting  air  of  having 
toiled  and  i&uffered 
which  so  captivates 
the  heart  of  Eve. 

After  this,  lift  a 
couple  of  50-lb. 
dumb  bells'  briskly 
above  the  head. 
The  result  of  this 
exercise  will  be 
found  to  be  a  slight 
but  interesting 
stoop,  very  different 
from  the  idiotic 
springy  carriage  of 
the  ordinary  young 
man. 

Do  not  eat.  No- 
thing gives  a  man 
such  a  shallow 
boyish  appearance 
as  this  foolish  and 
pernicious  habit. 

Personal 
Appearance. 

Cultivate  a  slow 
mournful  smile. 
This  is  best  ob- 
tained by  nightly 
applications  of  the 
patent  Ustosmilo 
headstrap,  which  cannot  come  off. 

Avoid  a  luxurious  superfluity  of  hair : 
use  a  strong  iron-toothed  comb,  and  buy 
a  bottle  .of  Detacho  or  some  other 
competent  depilatory. 

In  conclusion,  the  following  two 
recipes  may  be  found  useful :  — 

1.  To  flatten  the  face,   stand  lightly 
on    the    toes    and    bend    forward    with 
hands  on    hips    until   the   nose   nearly 
touches  the  floor.     Then  by  a  succession 
of    quick     forward     movements    bring 
the  former  into  sharp  contact  with  the 
latter  without,  altering  the   position  of 
the  feet. 

2.  To    increase    waist -measurement, 
wear    one    or     more    large    sand-bags 
beneath  the  waistcoat. 

A  brief  observance  of  these  simple 
rules  will  secure  for  the  veriest  stripling 
the  amatory  triumphs  and  social  eclat 
usually  reserved  for  middle  age. 


VOL.   CXXXII. 


no 


ni;  THK  ].UM><>\  <  IIAI;IV\I;I 


Mu  :••'. 


TO    THE    NEW    "FATHER    OF    THE    HOUSE." 

[The  Prim*  MiniM/r  h««  mccwcded  to  UM>  »!»••  ing  Kit  in 

the  GMMM  lor  ihirtr-nin*  coaaecttlire  feu*.] 


II  tu  !  Father  of  an  offspring  moreprofuM 
Than  here  who  habited  the  faMed  Shoe; 
In  whom  the  Home  acclaims  a  second  Zeus, 
An  Alirniu  N 

Otben  by  graduated  step*  acquire 

Paternal  merit ;  you,  l>y  Time's  mere  nod, 
At  once  attain  distinction  as  the  Hire 
Of  Mine  600  odd. 

Yet  not  by  sudden  cliance  you  win  our  dicers. 
Worse  boredom  none  alive  lias  undergone ; 
You  'vc  sat  for  Stirling  nine-and-thirty  years 
Steadily,  on  and  on. 

Ami  now  I  picture  you  with  checks  aflame, 
While  all  your  progeny,  a  serried  mass, 
Rises  to  bless  you  by  the  minted  name, 
I'atrrfamlllat ! 

Hi  image  already  you  have  freely  had 

As  the  emlx-dim-nt  of  Abstract  Law, 
And  now  to  formal  deference  they  will  a<M 
A  touch  of  filial  awe. 

See  you  deserve  it  well !     IV-  warned  of  her, 

The  I.«dy  I  alluded  to  nl- 
\Vlui  through  etulnrrassment  was  apt  to  <>rr 
Against  parental  love. 

Surfeit  of  children  scared  her  soul  with  wrath. 

And  nhe  would  send  them  soundly  whipped  to  bed, 
Their  little  stomachs  flatulent  with  broth, 
Holluw  for  lack  of  bread. 

But  you— be  gentle  even  as  you  are  strong ; 

Show  to  your  wins  tin?  reverence  due  to  youth, 
Shoving  them  firmly,  from  l>ehind,  along 
The  painful  path  of  Truth. 

An<l  in  your  heart  these  memoranda  keep  : 
To  woo  with  words  is  safer  than  to  whack  ; 
fatherly  advice  ;  then  fall  asleep, 
In  case  they  answer  back. 

So  when  upon  a  new  .£nPid's  page 

You  've  earned  a  claim  to  have  your  title  starred — 
Pattr  et  Pint—  gladly  I  '11  engage 

To  be  your  epic  bard.  0.  S. 


NATURE     STUDIES. 

SEEVASTS*  LETTER.". 

Ix  novels  and  stories  there  arc  di.d-i  t--  oooTeotioosIIy  appro- 
priated to  servant*;  and  it  may  u-adnntt.  d  that  these  are  occa- 
sionally spoken  by  those  to  whom  lit.  r.u  UP-  has  thus  assigned 
them.  The  chief  varieties  are  two — the  first  being  that  in 
wlm  h  the  "h's"  are  always  omitted,  the  other  that  in  which 
they  are  invariably  jr.  i:\.-l  where  the  nature  of  the  word 
wimld  have  preferred  to  omit  them.  Tin-  lirM  of  these  is  the 
ordinary  language,  and  I  have  <>ft<-n  heard  it  ;  the  second  i- 
more  rare,  but  it  exists.  (ii-m-rally,  when  I  have  heard  it 
used,  it  has  been  by  upprr  servants  or  )>y  tin**-  who.  having 
oeawd  to  be  servants,  have  taken  to  the  letting  of  lodgings 
in  seaside  resorts  frequented  ).\  the  nobility  and  gentry.  I 
am  therefore  led  to  Uh.  •..•  that  this  special  \.niety.  which 
blows  out  in.].i.,|-  r  and  di-pl.u-ed  aspirates  as  from  a 
powerful  pair  of  U-llows,  is  affected  because  it  i-  -upjmsed  to 
be  a  mark  of  gentility,  an  ••  •  f.  i...  .  1.  ir  f  i  any 

*>rt  of  question,  that  one  has  moved   in  the  society  of  the 


gn-at    and    rich    and    |«'li«ln-d      lh.it.    in    fact.    one    ii'i-d    n<>t 
shrink    from   ,  .\ersaliou  \vith   a    l«-ltcd   carl    if  only 

one  pronounce.*  him  \  igon.>u-«l>  a-  a  hearl.  The  proprietor 
nnd  the  parlour  maid  of  some  lodgings  in  Brighton  in 
which  it  was  once  my  privilege  to  IM-  domiciled  i  merely  in 
have  lived  in  them  would  have  U-en  feeble  and  al 
proletarian  exercised  tliis  tcrrilile  lnl.it  with  a  n-m.  >rs<*les8 
ferocity.  They  never  failed  to  till  the  Ml  I  in^'  -room.  a.~  it  were. 
with  ••onvcrsiitional  drau^l''  mly  their  honour  and 

their  honesty   liogan  with  a   louder  rni|iha.-is  than   tin- 
which 

It  is.  however,  unwise  to  infer   the   lei-  -v.int-.  fn-m 

their  talk.  I  n-meiiilHT  a  certain  M  \t;V  l'l;in  HMM>  who  s|M>ke 
much  as  the  servants  df  conventicni  an-  -upi-ow-d  !•>  -p'-.ik. 
Her  letter^  were  aiiothiT  pair  of  sl.f\e^.  In  these  her 
imagination  had  full  scope,  and  In-r  style  hail  IMI-II  mmlelletl 
on  reminiscences  of  gnndBoqaeooe  cuQed  from  Tin-  l-'um'ihj 
llcrnt'1  or  /fcur  li>-ll*.  Once,  during  an  alwuce  of  the  familv, 
she  wrote  <>f  some  fur  cloaks  that  had  U-cn  juit  away  for  the 
Hummer  and  had  juwt  Ut-n  re-ton  d  liy  her  to  the  li^ht  of 
day  :  "  The  cloaks,"  she  s.iid.  "  were  a  living  IIUIKS  of  cre«'p 
in«  Inse«-ls.  and  the  fur  entirely  eaten  off  the  .skin.  In  a 
little  more  time  the  whole  house  would  have  Ix-cn  filled  with 
these  devastating  creatures  on  the  Wing  in  search  of  Pastures 
New.  I  beg  to  return  many  thanks  for  the  kind  interest  you 
arc  pleased  to  take  in  my  comfort.  Hut.  as  then-  i-  .1  1-  d  in 
the  PantTT,  I  was  in  hopes  you  mi^lit  allow  me  to  -l,-.-p  there 
whilst  I  tilliil  theolliceof  Itntlerand  carried  out  the  functions 
apixTtainin.^  thereto,  as  it  is  downstairs  and  will  do  very  well 
when  1  have  cleaned  and  aired  the  place.  I  will  take  care  to 
have  the  girl's  room  nicely  furnished  when  she  comes.  1  am 
happy  to  say  I  lind  JOHNS  ithe  cook)  enters  with  ^'vat  i,-'"-! 
will  into  all  the  m'niiitiu  [she  had  underlined  this  < 
whelming  won!]  and  does  her  share  of  all  the  drudgery  of 
chasing?' 

It  must  )>c  confessed  that  most  servants'  letteis  are  not   on 
this  exalted  plane.      For  the  most    part    they  are  sin 
incuts  of  fact  expressed  in  the  smallest  jvo-Mlile  numlicr  of 
words,  without  any  vain  and  ostentatious  attempt  at  punctua 
tion.     An  F.n^lish  keeper  once  rejiorted   tome  the  progress 
of  the  birds.     "  Everything,"  he  wn)te,  "shoe  that  we  shall 
«et  a  gixxl  hed  of  birds  there  is  some  foxes  in  the  Mi;  • 
JlU  and   HAIIKY  and  me  catched  a   jiojicher  two  nights   a«o  he 
came  up  to-day  nnd  got  the  usuerl  hopping  this  tinds  all  well 
as  it  leaves  me  with  a  bud  mid  your  humble  servant  WM.I  IVM 


I   was    formerly   acquainted    with    a   housekeeper  whose 
conversation  was  a  perpetual  joy.     Not  even  DICKENS  could 
have  surpassed  some  of  her  choicest  sayings.     She  dei  1 
of  marriage    that  she  "  wouldn't   marry  a  undertaker,  not   if 
'is  'air  was  'ung  with  diamonds,"  and  on  ..  I  sudden 

ness  and  surprise  she  always  affirmed  that  "to  come  on  me 

like  that  all  of  a  nonplush  makes  my  inside  work  like  -inuer- 
bocr."      Hut  her  letter-  were  mere  nothings,  hald   and  in; 
vim-ing  statements  of  disjointed    facts.      It   was   for   her  talk 
that  she  reserved  the  sprightly  runnings.     Vet  she  • 

mjit  for  the  literary  shortcomings  of  a  ynthlul  a  —  i-tanl 
who,  while  on  a  short    holiday,  had  written   to  her. 
thing."  she  said.  "  you   iaii-  much   o|   'cm.      It  '.,  the 

Board  Schools  ruins  them 


.i 


Ihe  Economy  of  King*. 

'   If  you  wish  to  accept  the  advice  of   Ko\alty,  as  given  in 
practice,  write  today  for  the  free  Imti! 

Ad\  t.  in  Itiiili/  \ 


it  roroei  to  big  foet  the  Australian  K.  II    \VAITKBX  carries  oil 

• 

\\"i;   commend    tin  it    to   chiropodists  and  other 

-TS  of  palmistry. 


o 


Q 
x. 

o 

X 

h-J 
w 

K 


O 

af 


1 


1 


w 


w 


W 


s 

o 


MAY  29,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


383 


/ 

< 


ORGANISATION. 

(Orerheard  at  a  small  race  meeting  under  local  control.) 

"  Do   YOU   KNOW  WHAT  's  COIN*   TO   WIN  THE   FIRST   RACE  ?  " 

"  IT  AIN'T  SETTLED  YET  ;  BUT  I  'LI.  TELL  YOU  AFTER  THE  STEWARDS'  MEETING." 


MY  COMFORTER. 

[The  experts  of  both  sexes  who  affect  to  understand  the  rearing  of  the 
young  are  waging  an  active  campaign  against  the  baby's  "  comforter.''] 

GREY  bachelors  who  theorize  with  zeal, 
And  wrinkled  maids  who  know  but  never  feel, 
\\V  pray  you  to  allow  us  to  retain. 
The  only  solace  of  our  baby  pain. 

Weak,  helpless  targets  of  experiment, 

We  have  no  power  to  argue  or  dissent ; 

But,  if  of  comforters  we  are  bereft, 

What  in  the  name  of  conscience  have  we  left? 

The  full-grown  male  when  in  misfortune's  gripe 
Obtains  alleviation  through  a  pipe  ; 
And,  when  a  woman's  star  is  clouded,  she 
Drowns  disappointment  in  a  cup  of  tea. 


If  grown-up  creature  comforts  such  as  these 
Can  soothe  your  nerves  to  pleasurable  ease, 
You  ought  to  understand  the  calm  that  conies 
When  "  comforters  "  assuage  our  throbbing  gums. 

How  can  your  small  annoyances  compare 
With  all  the  miseries  that  babies  bear- 


Tight  strings,  warm  hugs,  strange  faces  void  of  charms, 
Internal  pains  and  vaccinated  anns  ? 

Then  reinstate  this  balm  that  you  have  banned, 
Or  our  appeal  shall  echo  through  the  land  ; 
In  every  home  we  '11  advertise  our  plight  j 
Not  only  day  by  day,  but  night  by  night.  J 


The  Seventh.  Wave. 

"  PINEWOOD  HOUSE.    The  ideal  place  for  picnics,  &c.   Strictly 
Temperance.     Sundays  excepted."— Staffordshire  Sentinel. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  L<>M>nN    >  n ARIVARI. 


[MAY  20,  1907. 


BACHELOR    DAYS. 

II      I  in    WisiHjm. 
Or    course    it  is    quite    possible    to 

for    love,    but     I    sus|NVt    that     a 

many  bachelors  marry  so  that  they 

:.<*  have  to  bother  about  the  wash 

ing  any  more.    Tliat.  anyhow,  will  IN- 

one  of  the  reasons  with   me.     "I   offer 

1  shall  say.    '  luv  hand  and  heart 
.in./  the  washing  ;  and,  oh,  do  see  that 
six    table-cloths   and    my    footer   shorts 
tlon'l  get  sent  rrcry  week." 

.ffivt  Hampstead  for  some  reason. 
Every   week    a    numU-r   of   shins    and 
things  goes  all  the  way  out  to  Hamp 
stead  and  back.     1  once  sent  a  Panama 
to  Pttris  to  IK-   cleam-d.  and   for   quite  a 
year  afterwards  1  used  to  l.-.ul  th> 
versa  1 10 11  round  t»  travel,  and  then  come 
out  with,  "Ah.   I   well   n-meinlK-r   when 
my    Panama   w:w   in   Paris  .    .   .   ." 
now,  when  I  am  asked  at  a  dance,  "IVi 
you  know  llampstcad  at  all?"     I   reply. 
•'  Well,  1  only  know  it  slightly  myself  ; 
but  my  collars  s|*-nd  about  half  the  \.-.u 
then-.     They   are   in  with  all    the  best 
people." 

1  can  believe  that  I  am  not  popular 
in  ll.impsti'.id.  for  1  give  my  Liundn-ss 
a  lot  of  trouble.  Take  a  little  thing 
like  liandkerchiefs.  My  rooms,  as  I 
may  have  mentioned,  are  at  the  very  top 
of  the  building,  and  there  is  no  lift. 
I '-ii. dly  I  wait  till  1  am  just  out  into 
the  street  before  I  discover  that  1  have 
forgotten  my  handkerchief.  It  is  quite 
impossible  to  climb  all  the  stairs  again. 
SO  I  go  and  buy  one  for  the  day.  This 
happens  alxmt  thni-  times  a  week. 
The  result  is  that  nearly  all  my  hand 
kerchiefs  are  single  ones— there  arc  no 
litters  of  twelve,  no  twins  even,  or 
triplets.  Now  when  you  have  a  lot  ol 
strangers  in  a  dr.ijvcr  like  this,  with  no 
family  tii-s  or  anything)  to  keep  them 
together,  what  wonder  if  tlu-y  gradually 
drift  away  from  i-.ich  other? 

My  laundress  does  her  Ix-st  for  them. 
She  works  a  sort  of  birth  mark  in  red 
cotton  in  the  corner  of  each,  so  that 
she  shall  know  them  again.  When  I 
saw  it  first  I  was  frightened.  It  looked 
like  the  password  of  some  secret 
society. 

"Are  there  many  aliens  in  1  Limp- 
stead  ?  "  I  asked  the  housekeeper. 

"  I  don't  know,  wir." 

"  Well,  look    here    wluit   I   foun  I    <m 
my     handkerchief        That's     a    secret 
signal  of  some  sort,  you  know,  that  ' 
what   it    is.     I   shall    get   mixed    up   in 
some  sort  of   anarchist    row    before  1 
know  where  I  am.     Will  \,,n  arrungi 
about  getting  my  clothes  washed 
-.•.  •  ....... 

"Thai's  because  you  haven't  got  \    m 
name   on    it.     She    must    mark    then 
.  .•  . 


.•ii    why  doe>n't   she   m-trk    them 
\\ilh  my  name?     S.  mucli  .simpler." 

"  It    isn't  her   business  \"itr 

lollies,      Mill  ll"1  holiscke 

That.  I  supp.™-.  is  true  ;  but  it  seeOM 
|.i  me  that  she  |,  ^urn-  us  l»'th  a  lot  of 

mMOMBrytnabfe.     l.verv  we.-k  I  pick 

nit  this  d.vorative  design  with  a  pen 
knife,  ami  every  w.-ck  she  works  it  m 
igain.  When  you  consider  the  time  and 

tlie  n-d   i-.>tton   waste.1.  i!  dear 

that   a  sixpcunv    Uittle   ,.f    markiii 
md  a  g.'id  quill    |«-:i  would    l>c  che.ip.-r 
:  in  the  long  run. 

Hut  then  she  has  a  wcaknes-  for  rod 
•nt tun.  The  holes  ill  the  hamlkerehiefs 
she  works  round  with  it  I  nc\er  quite 
understand  why.  To  call  my  attention 
to  them,  perhaps,  and  to  prevent  me  from 
falling  through.  Or  else  to  say.  "  Y-n 
did  this.  1  only  washed  up  to  the  red, 
so  it  can't  lie  HUJ  fault." 

If  I  were  married  and  had  a  house  of 
my  own,  there  would  IK'  no  man  In-low  ; 
luently  lie  wouldn't  wear  the  al> 
surd  collars  lie  docs.  I  get  alum!  two 
of  tin-in  a  week  (so  even  red  cilt..n  is 
not  infallible'-,  and  if  they  were  the  ri-ht 
size  and  a  decent  shape  I  shouldn't 
grumble  no  much.  Hut  1  do  object  t  > 
my  collars  mixing  in  town  with  these 
extraordinary  things  of  his.  At  I  lamp- 
stead,  it  may  IK-,  tlu-y  have  to  meet  on 
terms  of  equality,  more  or  less;  force  of 
circumstances  throws  them  together  a 
good  deal.  But  in  town  no  collar  of 
mine  could  be  expected  to  keep  up  the 
acquaintance.  "  You  knew  me  in  Hath," 
1  can  imagine  one  of  his  monstrosities 
saying  ;  and,  "  When  I  am  in  Hath  1 
shall  know  you  again,"  would  bo  the 
dignified  reply  of  my  "  10-(!olf." 

Collars  trouble  me  a  good  deal  one 
way  or  another.  Whenever  I  bay  a 
new  do/.eii.  all  the  others  seem  suddenly 
to  have  become  otd-fubjoned  in  sha|>c 
and  of  the  wrong  size.  Nothing  will 
induct-  me  to  wear  one  of  them  ai/ain. 
They  get  put  away  in  lioxes.  (.' 
with  dust,  they  lie  forgotten. 

Forgotten,  "did  1  say  ?  No.  The 
deeper  finds  them  and  sends  them 
to  the  w:i>li.  Al>  nit  a  month  liter  - 
finds  them  again.  Sin-  i-  always  finding 
clothes  which  hive  IK-CII  dist-arded  for 
ever,  and  sending  them  to  the  \\a-ih. 

The  mistake  is  that  we  hive  not  yet 
come  to  an  agreement  as  to  what  re. illy 
i«  to  go  to  tlie  wash,  and  what  isn't. 
There  is  a  tacit  und. •rstanding  that  every 
thing  on  the  Hour  mi  Monday  morning  is 
intend. •<!  for  llampslenl  The  Hoor  U 

the  linen. basket.     It  seemed    a    good 

idea  'ut  the  tun.'.  Imt  it  I  -.-  its  I. mil-. 
Things  get  mi  to  the  Hour  somehow 
which  \\.-re  n.  MT  me.int  for  the  North 
West.  lil.inkct-..  :in.|  part-  of  a  t\\ee<| 
suit,  and  sofa  cushions.  Tin 

vv.iv    of    dropping.       Haifa 

llo/.eh  i      while      Itallllel      ll 


d  fn>m  a  sh.-lf  one  D«0«0ber.      A 

pair   of    footer    shorts  Used     In    go    every 

\\i-vk      a    pair    which    I    would    carefully 

put  down  to   lake    the  b.ilh    water    when 

I  had    (unshed  with    it.      1  wonder  what 

Inn-Is   thought    they   were   .loin- 

I'l-obalily  they  qiiit<-    fancie  I    tli.-inseKe- 

;..ill.  and  I).  Listed    aU.ut    the  g..iU 

hi-y  shot  t,.  eoinpaiiiiiiis  whom  llit-x   im-t 

It    II  i:up-:.M'l 

ii/ii-,i//.<     here '       a    pair    of 
local  Wanderers  would 

••  My  dear  man.  I  play  so  hard.  1  don't 
•are  how  dirty  1  get." 

The  irony  of  it! 

Hut.  worst   of  all.  the  laundry   l»«>k  ' 
Kvery  week  the   housekeeper  sa\s  to  ine 

Would    you    pay    your    U«ik    now.   as 
it's  been  owing  for  a   month?"     And 
Aeek  I  pay.      That  s.,uuiU  ab-urd. 
l.ut    I    s-.ve-.ir    it's   true.     Or    eW    tin- 
weeks  go  very  qiiickK . 

And  such  amounts!      (ln-.il  ninepenees 
fora  counterpane  or  a   table  cloth  or  a 
while  tie.      Immense  niimlx-rs  of  hand 
kerchiefs,   counting   lapparentK     twelve 
as  thirieeii.   t,>uaint  hieroglyphics,  which 
don't    mean  anything    but   seem   t 
added  ill  to  the  price.      And  always  that 
little  postscript,  "  As  this  h  is  IM-.-II  owing 
for  a  month,  we  must  re  (nest  .  .  .  ." 

And    \et    they    want   to   pnl    a   tax  on 
bachelors! 

TilK  THAVKLLER'S  A  B.C. 

Tin:  Juno  numlN-r  of  the  .l//..'i,r 
ilir.ii/    Cnid:'  mr.    . I.  /!.»'.>    is    not     a 
whit  inferior  to  its  predecessors.     It  is 
I)  Mind    in   as  tasteful   a  cover  a- 
and   incidentally  it  contains  some  useful 
information  about  trains.      Hut    it  is   for 
^inal  humour  that  we  chiefly  value 
this  little  lirochure.     Ivn-k  of  space  pre- 
vents   us  from   ({noting  at    length.    Kut 
\\.'  cannot   refrain  from  reproducing  tin- 
gem  of  the  work.     It    occurs   on   pi.'.- 
1 1.".,  and  is  worth   reprinting  in  < 
It  i-  entitled 

\V|n|!H    AM«    SM   III  VI  I  . 

Vic:  A  C  i: 

luiiereea 

( 'helsea  and  Fulham        P. 
West  Hromplon 
Kensinv'toii  (.\.|{ ...          L' 
I  \bridge  R.tid 
Si.  i.'uentin  1'ark  and 
WormwiKHl  Scrulilis 
•  .11 

Haling  Hro.nl w  iv 
\\'.--t  Haling 

llanwell  and  l-'.llhorne      — 
S.nlliall 

I'      11  90    \  M.   Through    Train    from 
Brighton     to     ('adding). in,    arriv. 
I'aihliiigloii  l.ln  r.si.) 

No  one  can  have  any  difficulty  in 
getting  from  Victoria  to  S.nlliall  after 
that. 


MAY  29,  l'J<>7.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


385 


MODES  FOR  THE  MASSES. 

THAT  excellent  mid  too -little -read 
periodical  The,  Tailor  und  ('utlcr  has 
recently  startled  its  patrons  by  tlio 
publication  of  a  Plato  of  Fashions  for 
Working-men.  From  this  it  is  obviously 
but  a  step  to  the  "Clothes  Letter," 
already  so  familiar  a  feature  of  certain 
journals.  In  the  immediate  future  may 
we  not  expect  to  find  something  like 
the  following  in,  say,  the  Saturday  edition 
of  The  Morning  leader? 
From  Bill  Bitn/c,  Noadmcnder,in  London, 
to  Jim  Hopkins,  of  Little  Sloiccombc- 
on-Mud. 

DEAR  JIM,  This  being  the  start  of 
what  they  call  here  "The  Season,"  a 
time  when  the  principal  streets  of 
London  are  annually  taken  up  for 
repairs,  I  have  been  so  hard  at  work 
as  not  to  leave  a  moment  for  letter- 
writing.  However,  as  I  know  how 
anxious  you  must  be  to  hear  all  the 
news  of  town,  and  especially  what 
people  are  wearing  this  Spring,  here 
goes  for  a  start. 

First,  then,  one  of  the  most  altogether 
striking  costumes  I  have  observed  any- 
where lately  was  to  be  seen  the  other 
afternoon  in  St.  James's  Park,  where  its 
wearer  is  employed  on  the  extension  of 
the  new  processional  route.  The  loose 
blouse-like  shirt,  in  an  artistic  tint  of 
faded  green,  was  made  remarkably  full, 
and  was  of  some  soft  clingsome  material, 
probably  flannelette,  though  this  I  was 
unable  to  get  near  enough  to  ascertain 
decisively.  It  was  confined  at  the 
waist  by  a  broad  buckled  belt  of  maroon 
leather,  which  also  passed  through  the 
upper  portion  of  the  trousers.  These 
latter  were  in  a  delicate  shade  of  Eait- 
de-Nil  corduroy,  each  leg  being  caught 
up  a  little  below  the  knee  by  a  wee 
strap  of  bebe  leather  in  the  same  shade 
as  the  waistbelt,  the  harmony  of  tone 
being  further  re-echoed  in  the  dull- 
surfaced  boots.  Neither  coat  nor  vest 
were  worn  with  this  costume,  which 
was  finished  off  at  the  throat  by  a 
loosely  -  knotted  cerise  kerchief,  whose 
vivid  colouring  afforded  just  the  touch 
(if  itiKoiifiiitii-i-  needed  to  complete  a 
singularly  effective  ensemble. 

You  recollect  my  enthusiasm,  in  a 
recent  letter,  over  the  stylish  mole-skin 
cap  worn  by  Mr.  LAWHENCE  IRVING  as 
Craicshaif  in  Raffles  ?  Well,  it  appears 
that  we  still  go  to  the  theatre  for  our 
modes,  as  one  day  last  week  I  counted 
no  less  than  live  of  them  in  and  about 
the  Mile  End  liond.  By  the  way,  SAM 
SMITH,  who  was  with  me  on  the  occasion, 
waxed  perfectly  ecstatic  over  the  head- 
gear of  a  very  smart  bricklayer  engaged 
upon  some  building  operations  in  the 
neighbourhood.  The  cap  itself  was 
severely  plain  of  cut,  and  quite  on  con- 
ventional lines,  the  novelty  lying  in  the 


vr. 


MRS.  BULLYOIM-BOUNDERMERE'S    MUSIC  M-F. 

/Vr».  B.-B.  (the  neicest  of  "new"  Itostcsses,  fluttered  and  anxloiu,  air  ait  a  arrlrals).  "I  DO 

HOPE   IT  WILL  AI.I,  GO   OFF  WELL.      Dp,AR   LADY   L.AOKSILLER   HAS    MANAGED    EVERYTHING   SO   BEAUTI- 

FCLLY.    A  DUCHESS  AND  THREE  COUNTESSES  COMING  !    Now,  JOSEPH,  ONCE   MORE  AND   FOR  THE 

LAST  TIME   LET   ME  BSTBBAT  YOU   TO  TALK  AS   LITTLE   AS   POSSIBLE,   AND    PRAY,  PRAY    TAKE  CARE   OF 
YOUR  H'S." 

Mr.  B.-B.  "  RIGHT  YOU    ARE,  M'RIA.     I  'LL  TAKE  CARE  ;    I  SHAN'T  SAY   MUCH  MORE  THAN 
'OW-D'YE-DO  ?  " 


shape  of  the  little  concave  toque  sur- 
mounting it,  which,  when  adorned  with 
its  due  complement  of  bricks,  has  a 
peculiarly  ch  ic  and  becoming  effect.  SAM 
insisted  upon  dragging  me  off  at  once 
to  AARONSTEIN'S,  in  the  Broadway,  where 
he  purchased  an  exactly  similar  one  for 
seven  three-farthings,  and  where,  he 
assures  me,  yon  can  always  be  certain 
of  getting  the  very  latest  styles  at  a  not 
too  extravagant  figure. 

My  friendship  in  this  matter  was 
fully  rewarded  by  the  acquisition  for 
my  own  wardrobe  of  one  of  the  per- 
fectly charming  Overall  Suits  which  the 
same  firm  are  now  showing  at  quite 
ridiculous  prices.  Mine  is  a  1907  model, 
in  the  new  shade  of  "  Navvy  Blue " 


which  is  rapidly  becoming  so  popular, 
and  will  be  j  list  what  I  wanted  for  drain- 
work  or  uncertain  weather.  The  suits 
are,  I  am  told,  made  in  a  variety  of  sizes 
and  materials,  and  should  you  be  on  the 
look-out  for  a  dainty  but  serviceable 
en  tout  cas  of  this  description  you  can- 
not do  better  than  send  a  postcard  to 
Messrs.  AARONSTEIS,  at  whose  hands 
country  orders  receive  just  the  same 
punctual  attention  as  do  those  of 

Your  old  mate,         BILL  BURGE. 


"  The  running  of  tin's  car  at  slow  speed  on 
the  direct  thud  ia  the  smoothest  thing  we  have 
ever  experienced." — Advt.  in  the  Automotor. 

BUT  it  certainly  doesn't  sound  so. 


rrxni,  ou  THK  LONDON  «  11  \i;i\  \ui. 


[Bin 


r|;KS  AKTISTS. 

DRAI  MR.  POUCH,—  Tbe  eloquent  appeal 
nude  in  the  Preas  on  behalf  of  the  V 
field  tnuu-drirer  with  a  superb 

encourages  me  to  hope  that  you  m 
disposed  to  place  before  your  myriad 
readers  the  not  leas  deserving  COM  of 
HOMES  1VWH,  a  young  man  in  whom  I 
.1111  deeply  interested.  He  is  ut  the 
moment  a  sandwich-man  at  Chowbant 

•li.T  'lay,  when  on  a  visit  to  that 

1  h.-.\rd  him  P>  it. 

his  own  coni|«*.ilion,  an<l   at 

inn-  lo  th.-  .-onchi-ion   thai  In-  was 

,.(  tin-  n  wM   supreme  geniu-. 
thereforv  brought  him  ni  -i.antl 

f  the 

including     Mr 

I'AI  i.    KM  lipith.-r    Mr.    II  \mn 

KK»HT.    the    fam.'U-     Japan.---     scholar. 
Mr.     HUM     K»N»l'l.    ami     Mr 
<  >i  u>     In     examine     hi- 
Tli.-y   an-   unanimou  U   that 

with   pro|«-r   training   h  d.   il 

not  surpass  DASTK.  Vi»:n,  MIII--N  ami 
Mr.  AUKKH  AI-IIN.  I  may  add  that 
Mi  IhitoiJ'H  IU-..a;  ha*  gen.  -r..'i-l\  offered 
to  -ii|.erintend  his  tr.iininu  l»r  nothing 

n  raii-e  tin-  mx-.-s.sary  maintenaiuv 
film),   which   will  amount   to  at    I 
tllOUKi!    1  |xiiinds,  as   several    \<-ars  must 
.  l.ip-e  I.  -(.m-  HOMKK  nm  Ix-  in  a  jHwition 
to  earn  an  income  by  hi*  jn-n. 

Not  only  must   11.  vim  have  U«nl  ami 
lodging,   "but    also  acquire   the   art  of 
reading  and  writing  (of  which  In 
pn-—  m  totally  igm  '  •  ••!!  as  the 

li.ihit    <if    shaking    like    an    «1 
Knglishniaii.     AH  this  will  mean  trouble 
and   rn.in.-y,  ami   on   ll'>MH!'s   |«irt  grt-.it 
a|'|>lic.ilion.     At  pnxMil  beknowiBMo 
Int.-ly  nothing,  but  the  critic*  are  con- 

i  that,  with  |in>]>er  training,  lit1 
liaHagn-.it  future  Itt-fore  him.  II 
exiflli-nt  |.h>>i«|ii.-.  w«-ighi  \-  M.  Sib., 
M  a  uon-Mn<>lier.  and  has  an  unusually 
Urge  head,  his  hi/4'  in  hats  U-ing  '.)|  in. 
Wli.-n  I  ask«"l  him  why  In-  had  lieoonu' 
i  man.  be  promptly  r. 


Maintenance   Fund   will  >«•    gratefully 

.nhfiilly 

(on. 

,„  \\',,lk.  <  •!,.•!• 

riling     the 

alphabet,  and  will   shortly   )>*•  al.l.-   !•• 

II.  II    letter 

which  causes  him  a  g  '  "f  Iroul.l.v 


THE  ORURY  LANE  WELTER  HANDICAP. 

lias    ii»i     the 

-ion  sai'l  so?  -that  the  1'rania 
is  the  noblest  of  the  Arts  and  that 
Literature  is  its  handmaiden.  This 
ancillary  |»»itii>n  <>f  the  playwright  may 
aeeoiint  (or  his  lack  of  initiative  ami  the 
temlency  of  certain  then 
\rll  < lin/nni1*.  .Y<ij»''«i/i.«.  and  what  not 

In  !»•< ic   teiii]«'rarily   epidemic.      .In-! 

now   \\e  :in-  >nlTering   from  a  on 
attack   of  lli.-   li'.-d    Indian  liacilln-       A' 
l>niry  Line   '/Vic   hi*'    <•(   Hit    It'" 

lull,   mechanic    l.xlrama    K-min 

of    Tlif    ItiirliiKj  of    tin-  '.'.»/.-.   but    with 
Hi  me  of  the  charm  ami  picture^  | 
if   the   Japanese    play.      Mr.  lUsil.   (Jill. 
to  kwp   up   the  asMtH-iutioii  "f  id' 
nun-   more   the  attractive  outcast    hero: 
and,  once   more,  his  l<>\c  defer-   n 
summatiiin     to   a    future  state,    located. 
otice  more,  lieyond  a  watery  barrier. 

I  ctinfeKS  that  I  marvel  how  a  more 
than  r.-spe,  table  actor  like  Mr.  Li  N 
MM;HN<;  should  conaeiil  to  take  part  in 


I  iloo'i  know  any  other  m  »y 
Of  earning  etghuvn-prooe  •  Amy." 

I    when    I    inquired    whether    h« 
would  like  t  •  tieoome  a  p<»-t  IK-  rejoim-d  : 

"  I'd  like  to.  bat  1  for  it  '»  h»nl 
To  earn  •  living  m*  *  hard." 

^ne  person  wishes  to  attribnt.- 

-  to  those  who  do  not  possem  il, 

but   when1    it    leaps   to  th--   .->>•    in    this 

would  U-  little  leas  than  a  <  rim.1 

not  to  encourage  and  faster  so  divine 

a  gift. 

Will   Kngland  help  ine  to  save  a 

in-Ill.  ••    I  that 

hhoiild    !>•  and   a  joy 

ver     to    ua     and     our    children's 

chilli] 

Su1  •       tlir     H..MM:     '. 


Mi.  BASH,  (in.i  i  it  the  nuke. 
Dance  by  the  Hop£cotchee  Warrior*. 

a   play  like   this,  and   make   a   ludicrous 

of  himself  in  the  most  re[H-llcut  ol 

:nea.      Him  CoysrAXCE  COIIIKU  as 

Aduldii.   tin'    I. Hi/   n  f    Xniiniliiii.    I 
least   the  advantage  of   lM-ing  a  |  :d.-  lae, 
»n    Fi.-r   father's   -id.-.      I  am  certain  she 
\\oiilil   H.-MT    have  peniiitled    h.-r-elf   t. 
wear    tin-   hid-  \  l.-\i.,u   ,,f    he,- 

yirl      |'l. IMII.lt.-.         She      acted       uith      I. ,111 
IIH-tldable  eli'T-y    111  ail    U  II  i  II- pi  ri  11^'    part 

!"ft  the  audience  .-"Id. 

-hnw.il   a 


MR.  I.  is 


iM.   »-  >/<i-fimi;/iui,  wlione 
baadereiv.-.!  liiin. 


style     as     tin-     failhle--      -.piaw     of 
rniiii'/nii  :     Imt    whether    ^he    rightly 
repriHluced     the    Ockot.-hee    metli.Hls    of 
inli.lelity     must     remain    a     matter     of 
|,e<  illation  lioth  for  her  and  me. 
1    am   not   quite  sure  who  it    was  that 

Hie     Ll-l    '.[     Ill-    K.iee."         If     it    Wa- 

Mr.  lUsn  (in  i.  I  am  not  surpri-cd.  a- 
••I.-.1  favourite.  In  any  ca-e.  the 
winner's  name  i-  left  in  doubt.  It  may 
have  lx>en  that  rank  outsider  hni<in-<in-l<t. 
who  went  blind  at  the  post  with  eXCOfei 
of  limelight,  and  .sa\ai;e.|  one  i  if  his 
stable  <•  imp.inions  .(iiitc  early  in  the 

b'ace.  0     - 


A  e,  ,nv-|«  .iidenl,  who  ha-  -n- 
i.  lined  a  simple  fracture  of  the  jaw 
through  an  attempi  with  the 

nomenclature  of  these   l>rury  Lin- 
Indians,    sends    the    following    gloomy 
.ist  :  — 

iPromThr"l1,tilyVrluynil*"°JM'".l  ''•'.  I'-11" 

.  .  .  .  The  plot   of   Tin-   hut   •)/  Hi,'  /'../;/- 
xi///n/)/rx.  which    \\a.-    broiii;ht    to   a    -He- 
re— till  hearing  at  the  theatre  l.i-t  night, 
is  simple  \cl    effective.      Timptlllign 
and    I  'liiliiiiiiliiri.ii/   are    the    twin 
and     coheirs    of     I'liinji-liniii    Btnniboph 
WeltheiiuHM   .\r<ilii<i^i,    the    theocratic 
-overeign  of  the  Sesquipedalians.     The 
two  young  prin.  'th  de-perately 

in  l"\e  willi  the  beautiful  PapttmgOpOU- 

•lii-ni-riii.  daughter  of  a  neighbour- 

ing chieftain,  who-.-    name   we   u: 

naK-l)   ha\c  ii"i  in.  bide  in  our 

!      i  —  iir.     but       pol\andr\       bein- 

-trictly  forbidden  in  S--.|uipnlalia   they 

6  to  light  a  dud   in   order  to  end  a 

deadlock  which    i-  convulsing  lln-  entire 

kingdom.      The-  duel,    which    i-  ..irried 

out  \\ithareali-in    nnu-iial   even   at    (he 

i  day.  i-  toii-hl    with   har|«H'ii-  in 

a    large   tank,   and    Timpan'tgotdoth    is 

meed    the    victor   alter   the 
•i  round. 

In  a  striking  interlude  /'.i;/./,-//«im 
liiiinilx>iili.  *.T.X  .  U>wails  his  lo.-t  .-on  .md 
indulge-  In  ;l  striking  denunciation  o| 

me  ol  fratricide.    The  ./.:». 

:n     it-     mi.  \peet.d    inten-ity. 


MAY  29,  1H07.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


387 


Master  (tcho  has  laid  latrn  relald).  "  YOUR  MISTRESS  AND  I  DOTH  THINK  THAT  THE  TURF  is  VERY  LUMPY." 

Gardener.  "  An,  IT  MAY  LOOK  so  FROM  'ERE,  SIR  ;  BUT  IF  YOU  AND  THE  Missus  WAS  TO  WALK  ABOUT  ON  IT  YOU  'D  SOON  SEE  THE  DIFFERENCE  !  " 


The  beautiful  Paparrcgopouloslelethcar- 
riu,  on  learning  the  issue  of  the  combat, 
declares  that  nothing  will  possibly  in- 
duce her  to  marry  a  man  whose  name 
only  contains  seven  syllables,  and  retires 
into  a  rhomboidal  phalanstery.  Thn- 
panigoulash  and  Ponycham,  K.T.A.,  then 
fall  on  their  harpoons,  and  the  curtain 
descends  on  a  scene  of  universal 
harakiri. 

The  performance  was  in  all  respects 
worthy  of  the  play.  All  praise  is  due 
to  Mr.  DKNZIL  BULSTRODE  for  his  magis- 
terial rendering  of  Ponrjcliam  Biimiln'^li. 
The  lament  was  delivered  by  him  with 
excruciating  pathos,  and  his  handling  of 
the  harpoon  in  the  last  scene  would  have 
done  credit  to  Mr.  FRANK  BULLEN  himself. 
Hardly  less  striking  was  Mr.  AMBROSE 
QUIRKK'S  calm  and  dignified  impersona- 
tion of  the  unfortunate  Ulatanalarezul. 
The  part,  if  drawn  in  neutral  colours,  is 
of  the  highest  value  to  the  development 
of  the  story,  which  would  have  suffered 
severely  had  the  role  been  confided  to 
less  competent  hands  than  those  of  Mr. 
QUIRKS.  Mr.  KIRBY  BODKIN  created  a 
deep  impression  by  the  earnestness,  the 


sincerity,  and  the  innate  nobility  of  his 
acting  in  the  part  of  Timpanigoulaxh, 

'  while    the    small    part    of    the    comic 
shepherd   Borborofufluns   afforded    Mr. 

:  DAL  NIMMO  ample  opportunity  for  the 
display   of    his   unctuous   yet   sardonic  ] 
geniality.       As     Paparrerjopoulosleleth- > 
earr'nt,  Miss  KATINKA  JERK,  we  regret  tot 
say,  proved  something  of  a  disappoint- ] 
ment.     Her  opulent  physique   enabled 
her  to  render  a.  certain  rough  justice  to 
the  part,  but  her  conception  lacked  the 
primitive    ferocity    demanded    by    the  I 
situation,  and  the  shrieks  with  which  she 
greeted  the  news  of  the  issue  of  the  duel  • 
left  much  to  be  desired,  both  in  volume 
and  poignancy.     The  iMst   of  the  Poly- ' 
syllables,  it  should  be  added,  is  mounted 
with  a  tropical  splendour  almost  pain- 
fully dazzling  to  the   naked   eye,   and ! 
provides  a  spectacle  of  sumptuous  and  ; 
exorbitant  beauty.     It   is   decidedly   a 
play  to  be  seen  by  everyone  who  is  pre- 
pared to  accept  and  profit  by  a  strenuous 

!  and  high-minded  attempt  to  place  the 
elemental  passions  of  savage  humanity ! 
before  a  jaded  public  in  their  most  lurid 
and  luscious  light. 


Mother  of  So 7enty -Three. 

"  THE  late  Mrs.   M successively 

married  two  men  of  the  same  name,  and 
was  the  mother  of  ten  children,  thirty- 
five  grand-children,  and  twenty-eight 
great-grand-children." — Down  Recorder. 


WRITING  of  the  picture  of  the  President 
of  the  Koyal  Academy  (whom  he  calls, 
appropriately  enough,  Sir  E.  J.  PAYNTER) 
the  Ijondon  correspondent  of  The  -Cork 
Constitution  says : — 

"  The  blond  o£  the  classic  and  tho  common- 
place which  is  represented  by  the  nude  of  n 
twentieth  century  fishing  rod  is,  however, 
somewhat  incongruous." 

At  any  rate  it  is  superior  to  the  nude 
of  a  bunch  of  grapes  and  half  a  lemon 
which  one  sees  so  often. 


"  ROSEHS  was  born  at  Windsor  in  1614, 
was  appointed  organist  of  Magdalen  College, 
Oxford,  in  1661,  and  was  dismissed  his  post 
forty  years  later.  There  is  no  record  as  to 
the  reason  why  he  lost  this  appointment." 

Daily  Chronicle. 

MIGHT  we  hazard  the  suggestion  that 
he  was  too  old  at  ninety  ? 


rr\(  ii.  on  TIIK  I.M\I>"\.  CIIAIMYAKI. 


ENGLISH    AS    SHE    IS    COMPREHENDED. 

Baku.  "Sit,  I   BEO  THAT  TOC  WILL  TRASSFTtt   ME   FROM   THIS  PLAfB.      I   AM    I1"V 

Deputy  t'ammitutiontr.  "  BIT  AM  I  SOT  KIBKK.T  IN  MJT...-IMJ  THAT  THIS  /«  VOI-R  HI 'Mi:?' 
Bubu  dri(/i  ro>irir/i.)M>.  "YES,  Sin,   IT  Is— AND   1  AM   MCK  OF  IT." 


THKK  W«»M.\N  IN  THK  MAKING. 

[According  U»  The  Daily  Etpreu,  a  new 
I'nit  entity  lor  Women  hu  been  founded  in 
I'an-  I iv  Mme.  BkiMOD.  The  rurrirulum  in- 
rlixin  lectori*  on  «uch  imbjecte  M  drew- 
making,  bair-drmwing  ami  coquetry,  the  object 
being  lo  train  tlw  atudenu  in  the  purely 
fcBinue  art*.] 

AT  ( iirton  our  sisters  may  try 
To  wrangle,  regardless  of  Bex  ; 

They  ma  -evaluate  *" 

<  ir  master  I  In-  functions  of  s  ; 

With  (Irenes  and  Irenes  awry 

r  I.MeU  <t  Stott  they  may  pun-. 

While  llu-y  cruni  up  their  •oddfeswitfa 


.irrhirological  lore. 

Hut  what  u  the  wretched  eft 

On  a  girl  of  thin  masculine  plan  ? 
At  the  best  we  «m  "i,ly  detect 
A  |«*>r  imitation  of  man : 

iiiinine  graces  are  wrecked, 
I  IT  forehead  grows  bulgy  and  1. 
Ami  your  •nguUr  charmer  u  robbed  ol 

the  armour 
That  nature  gave  into  her  charge. 

But  where  we  in  Knglanii  .iiv  lilind, 
If  we  steal  at  our  neighbours  a  glance. 


\\c  skill  ci-rtaiiily  lin<l 
'llicy  manage  thiiiRK  bettor  in  France. 

Fair  1'aris.  \vln«M-  uia^tfrly  mind 
Has  priivi-d  itsi-lf  al>le  to  tr.iin 

The   feminine   figure,  mn    dn    what    is 


Train  fitly  the  bmimne  brain. 

All,  what  a  curriculum  here 

For  ravishing  nirl-iindergnids.  ! 
No  musty  i  ild  c-la—  lies  i-mui'  m-ar, 

No  dry  math<-iiuiti»d  fads; 
Hut  dainty  professors  appear  — 

N.iy,  do  not  start  back  with  alarm  ! 
Karh  one  is  a  beauty  who  feels  it   her 
duty 

To  teach  you  the  secret  of  rhann. 


Here,  stately  ami 


with  an  air 


Tliat  beggars  the  grace  ••!  thf 
to  a  fair 


wiw  peplological  il  n  . 
her  nage  professorial  chair 
I'lidi  i  graduates  i  .-ag, 

Taking  notes  while  shateacoes  in  -I|\.T\ 

,j  ..-,-. 

The  art  and  the  sc-iemv  ..(  liren. 

In  the  Physical  Lab.  you  shall  see 
Sweet  maidens  who  eagerly  seek 
To  advance  to  a  higher  degree  —  • 

• 


Capillary  problems,  '•;/., 

They  study  with  infinite  toil; 
They   know  to  a  fraction  the  force  of 
attraction 

Possessed  l,y  a  "  front  "  or  a  "  coil." 

Here  e.Mitietr\  teachers  impart 

Their  skill  in  the  use  of  the  eyes; 

l>i  r'n'.  to...  and  the  art 
l  >f  feigning  delight  and  surpri-e. 
You  will  learn  to  lie  skittish  and  smart 

Though  inclined  fora  lachrymose  Hood, 
And   how  to   look  happy   when  inwardly 

snappy 
And  thirsting  for  somel>"d\'s  1.1. ««1. 

And  when  the  long  course  is  complete, 
When  you  reach  the  dr-iralde  goal. 

When  you've  mast. -red  the  arts  of  deceit 
And  are  aide  t"  trirk  anil  cajole  ; 

When  you  know  how  to  lie  and  )•• 
On  the  latest,  most  ladylike  plan  — 

The  world  will  acknowledge  tin-  girl-  "I 

tills  roll. 

A-  prrf.-i  t  e..mpaiiion-  ..I  man  ! 

The  Little  More  and  how  Much  it  it 
'  Tui:  climate  of  Rio  is  like  that  of 
England,  only  that  there  is  no  disagree- 
able winter,  and    lor  two  months  in   thi 
year  it  is  considerably  hotter 


ITNT'II,   Oil  THK  LONDON  CHAKMY.UU.     MAY  29,  1907. 


\ 


HOME-BULED. 


JOHN  REDMOND  (Unerotmtd  King  of  IrdanJ).  "CEASE  THY  TWANGING.      WE'LL  HAVE    NONE  OF  IT." 
BiiiitELL  TIII;  JESTER.  "BUT   YOU   SAID  YOU   LIKED  IT   THE  OTHER   DAY." 

J.  R.  ".irsr   SO;    HUT   WE   FIND   THAT   OUR   SUBJECTS  DISAPPROVE   OF  IT,  AND  'TIS  AS  MUCH  AS  OUR  PLACE 
IS    \\ORTH  TO   HAVE   A   MIND   OF   OUR   OWN." 


MAY  i».>,  i.<»7  I'r.Xrll,    OR    TIIK    Lo.XDO.X    CIIAIMVARL.  SOI 


ELECTION    OF    OUR    LOCAL    MAGNATE. 


Cttniiidille.    "  YlJS,   AS   I'VE   ALREADY  TO(-D   YOU,   GENTLEMEN,   YOU   SEE   BEFORE   YOU   A   SEI,F-MADE    MAN.' 

Voice  (from  the  back).  "BETTER  HA!  PUT  THE  JOB  OUT,  MISTEII  !  " 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

ll<ni.i<'of< 'ommont,  Monday,  Mai/  -1. 
lUnia  C'liMi.ix  hack  again,  bringing  his 
sheaves  with  him  in  form  of  Wimbledon 
Polling  Returns  giving  liini  majority  of 
0,11(1 1.  Everyone  glad  to  see  him  ambling 
up  to  Table  to  lake  tin1  oath,  his 
white  handkerchief  flowing  forth  from 
his  In-cast  pocket  like  a  Hat;  of  truce. 
Thirty-nine  years  since  he,  t  lien  Squire  of 
Blankney,  made  the  same  journey,  alter 
'•lection  lor  Mi, I  I  .liicnlnMiire.  On 
the  threshold  of  a  new  century  he  conn-., 
back  elect  of  a  I  >  union  suburban  borough. 

Is  it  fancy  that,  suggests  his  locks. 
instead  of  whitening  alter  the  disaster  at 
Slcal'onl  in  January  of  last,  year,  have 
taken  on  a  darker  hue?  However  that 
lie.  he  looks  younger  than  when  he 
parted  with  us  in  the  autumn  of  1905. 
He  walks  with  the  same  swinging  gait, 
looks  right  and  left  with  the  familiar 
comprehensive  glance,  and  means  to 
make  1'Vee  Traders  -it  up. 

Business  <lmi<\  K.nglish  Small  Hold- 
ings Bill  introduced. 


DAMOCLES    UP-TO-DATE. 

Jam  nora  dilurien  ccela  tJemlltititr  alto. 

\VIII:N  overhead  the  airships  fly 

In  countless  swarms  by  day  and  night, 

And  locust -like  obscure  the  sky 

And  dim  the  heavenly  bodies'  light, 

What  will  the  joy  of  life  be  worth 

To  us  who  still  must  tread  the  earth? 

How  shall  we  dare  to  stay  at  homo 
In  villa,  mansion,  flat,  or  cot, 

\Viien  shipwrecked  aeronauts  may  eomc 
Unbidden  down  the  chimney-pot ; 

And  slight  mishaps  to  ropes  and  gears 

Hustle  the  house  about  our  ears? 

Abroad  a  rain  of  oil  and  slops 

Will   wreck    the    smartest    hats    and 

gowns, 
While  anchor  flukes  uproot  the  crops 

Or  sweep  the  golfer  off  his  downs, 
And  grapnels  hook  up  to  the  skies 
The  angler  hoping  for  a  rise. 

When  f casters  in  the  ether  fling 

From  di/y.y  heights  a  crust  of  bread 

Or  fragments  of  a  chicken's  wing, 
To  drop,  by  gravity,  like  lead. 


The  deadly  hail  will  penetrate 
Umbrellas  made  of  armour-plate. 

The  bravest  warrior  of  the  brave, 

The  greatest  genius  ever  known, 
May  prematurely  find  a  grave 

Cut  over  by  a  falling  bone; 
Or  have  the  thread  that  Cuvnio  spins 
Severed  by  empty  sardine-tins. 
Since  then  for  us,  whose  straitened  means 

To  terra  Jirmti  keep  us  bound, 
Some  refuge  from  these  dread  machines 

In  new  conditions  must  be  found, 
We .'11  spend  what  yet  of  life  remains 
In  tunnels,  caverns,  tubes  and  drains. 

Researches  among  the  Poets. 

I. — Mi; n « ; i . :    A  REVOKE. 
"  Bid  me  to  weep,  and  I  will  weep, 

While  I  have  eyes  to  see  ; 
And  '  having  none  '  yet  I  will  keep 
A  heart  to  weep  for  thee." 

HERRICK—  To  Anthea. 
II. — THE  COMPLETE  AUTOMOBILIST. 
"  With  that  be  snlote  his  head  adown 

anon, 
And  gan  to  motre." 

CHAUCER  —Troylus  and  Cryseyde. 


ITNVII. 


TIIK  LONDON  <n\i:i\  \i:i 


UP    TO    THE    NINES. 

T.-«PKTXS    w   a   fine    billiard    playr. 
and  1  am  not  a  line  1'illi.it.l   play -r,  hut 

I   h.iNt-  Natcn  Toiiik\vs  at   bill 
This  is  how  I  did  n. 

At  IIIH  own  hospitable  1  <«rd  tin-  man 
ToMFKTXa  was  presuming  u  i  <on  our 
-v  In  talk  In  us  aUmt  hi*  billiaids. 
!!••  did  not  sav  outright,  "  I.  TOMI-MVS. 
am  a  fine  ptmrl  That  we  could 
hare  borne  with  pat  ii  nee  Ami  then 
the  suhjivt  could  liave  IKI-II  deftly 
changed.  What  ho  said  wan,  "  <  >f  course 
1  in  i:i.t  a  v.-ry  good  judge,  but  I  did 
ao  and  BO  tin-  iiihrr  night."  That  sort 
«if  thing  is  disgustful  and  worse,  inter- 
minable. 

I  sat  then*,  musing  upon  tin*  childish 
vanity  of  mankind  and  TOJIPKYW,  until 
I  heard  a  voice.  It  was  not  the  voice 
<-f  my  neighbour,  a  querulous,  heavy 
man.  who  kept  trying  to  begin  a  sentence 
whirli  TnHPKYSs  invarialily  nipi*d  in 
the  bud.  1 1  heard  later  tliat  lit- had  been 
the  undisputed  Ping-Pong  Chaiiipinn  of 
1'pl-er  Timting.  and  naturally  loved  t.> 
talk  a  Unit  his  triuinpliR.)  No,  it  was 
an  inwanl  voice  that  I  heard.  1  have 
heanl  it  U-fore  ujion  great  invasions  in 
my  life.  It  Hid,  ** Chuknge  this  man 
TnMPKlxs-  In  a  billiard  maU-li.  I  am 
weary  of  hi*  bragging.  I  gwanintre 
that  you  shall  humiliate  him  in  the 
dust!*"  I  had  t-ven-  confidence  in  the 
voice,  but  for  a  moment  I  hesitated. 
knew  that  it  meant  well  by  me.  but  1 
fancied  that  it  was  making  a  mistake. 
m  a  matter  of  fact,  1  had  never 
played  billiards  in  my  life.  I  had 
watched  people  playing,  but  my  practical 
experience  of  the  game  was  nil. 
(minted  this  nut  to  the  voice. 

I  said,  "I  quite  agree  with  your  view 
i if  TOMPKIXS.  TUMI-KINS  is  a  maddening 
man  to  listen  to.  I  should  like  to  humi- 
liate him  in  the  dust.  But  do  you  think 
that  I  'm  the  man  to  do  it  at  billiards?" 

The  voice  quite  t-nappd  at  me. 

"  You   heard   what   1  Kiid  !     Do  you 
want  me  to  wash  my  hands  nf  you ''.  " 
I  faid  desperately,  "l"  don't." 

It  wan  mollified  in  a  moment.  It 
merely  demands  implicit  «l .  dn-nce,  that 

•  <1     for     vou!'      it    said     quite 
ily.     "Tell  him  you'll  lake-, 
in  a  hundrid.  and  plaN   him  for  a  liver.' 

I   gacprd.     'Hie  \  •  •  of  a  liNer 

as  though  it  had  bctn  a  Hn 

I  have  a  loyal  nature. 

»«TM«,"  I  said  rather  huskily 
"  I  challenge  you  to  a  iratrh  this  verj 
evening!  " 

II.  wran  telling  us  about  his  last  break 
The  interruption  airarcd  him. 

••  Hut  1  thought  you  didn't  play,"  h 
•aid  i!i -ill  t  fully. 

"  I  do  not  as  a  rule,"  I  answered,  will 
the  calm  of  a  >.  n.  "  Hut  some 


tells  me  that  I  am  a  nalunil  play  r 
nd   that  1  shall   surely    Nat 
hall    give    me    seventy    in    a    hundieil. 
nd  I  will  play  voii  for  a  liver." 

:ie     with    you  !  "    he     Kiid     quite 

igerly.  ami    the    Ping  long   Champion 
;th  a  dnglike  adiiiiratu n 
n  his  .-nlli  n  eyca. 

\Ve  adjourned  to  the  billiard-room. 
t  was  a  bachelor  dinner.  TOMI-MN- 
Ion  not  can-  for  women.  He  finds 
liat  thcN  an-  lc>s  patient  listeners  than 
sen.  1  pn  served  a  massive  outward 
•aim.  but  I  was  slightly  nervous. 

Snne  instinct  impelled  me  In  s.  I.  . -t 
lie  thickest  ended  cue  that  I  could 
nil.  Perhaps  it  was  the  watchful  but 
emporarily  silent  voiiv. 

TOXM-KYXS    com-edeil    a    mi.-'S    to 
vith.  and    I  did   the   fame.      His   was 
ntentional. 

The  score  was  railed  cue.  sevcni 

I  far  I  had  contrived  to  hold  my  own. 
tut  at  this  point  ToiiPKYXS  did  some 
uggling  with  the  hills,  and  when  he 
lad  finished  the  fcore  was  seventy-one, 
wrnty-six.  Something  would  have  t<, 

•e  i|i  lie. 

The  red  was  far  away,  but  his  ball 
vas  quite  near  me,  and  hanging  over 
i  pocket.  I  aimed  at  his  h;<ll  and  it 
li>appeared.  Then  I  aimed  at  the  red 
Kill,  and  the  score  was  called  twenty 
vi  n,  seventy-three. 

TOMI-MXS  was  at  it  again.  He  was 
nrty-three  liefore  I  had  annther  chance. 
Vrth  balls  were  at  n  great  distance,  and 
aimed  at  the  nearest.  It  was  the 
•tlier  1  all  that  I  hit.  It  vanished,  but 
ny  kill  was  still  full  of  heart.  It  came 
iaek  and  hit  the  nil,  and  they  rushed 
ogether  towanls  a  p«x-ket.  They  went 
iiin  it  together,  and  it  seems  that  the 
-tioke  was  worth  nine.  The  red  was 
on  the  spot,  and  I  conceded  aunt  her 
niss.  Hut  only  by  a  hair's -breadth. 
K.ighty-twn.  forty -four. 

VHm  made  twenty,  in  a  fortuitous 
of  fashion  as   I    fancied,  and   for  a 

while  I  adhered  to  safety  methods,    t' 

lainly,  in  wveral  attempts  I  only  once 
lixl  a  time  to  TO\II-MSS.  This 
might  have  liapp-m  d  oftener.  if  I  had 
chosen  to  pky  a  iiMire  dashing  game. 
^v-  replii-d  with  a  chain  \  t.-n. 
and  the  wore  was  eighty  two,  scvcnU 

in  my  favour. 

Then,  nervi-d   by  ilespenitinn.  1  did   it 
again.        I     "worked     the     balls     iut< 
n,"    whatever    that     may     mean 
\Vhat    /   mean   by  it  is   that    I    pne   tin 
my  full  strength,  and  scored 
another  brilliant   nine  shot.     The  bre;ik 
was  terminated    by  a  safety  miss  (by  : 
full    Iwo    ineliiti,    but    my    foot    slipp«i! 
slightly,  and     I  .  .1  t..  mad 

ness,   '  i    with   a   lucky   thirteen 

The  scores  were  level,  ninety  one  all ! 

The  excitement  in  the  room  was  pain 
ful.     In  the  dead  silence  you  might  havi 


almost  heard  the  long  rest  fall.     A  lesser 
man  would   have  throw  n  up  the  s|-ongc. 
TOVI-MXS    ^rinned    f-endishly   in   antn-i 
pat  inn  of   his  triumph.     The  l'in> 
Champion   was   pale   and    despairing.      I 
grippd    m\    ma~~i\i-   ene.  and    the  voiii- 
Nhis|Miei|     "Courage!        And     £i\f     it 
ilenly  of  stick  !  " 

1    wondered    what    it    meant.     It    was 
t..  I  e  technical  at  such  a  moment, 
'ut  I  had  to  play. 

Hoth     balls    were    dim     and     distant. 

I'hcy  were  alioiit  six  inches  ;ipart.  and    1 

limed    strongly    for    the    space    U'tNVi-cn. 

med   the   IM  st    tiling   to  do.      1  do 

mi  expi  it  you  to  I  elieve  what  happened. 

My  own  explanation  is  that  Provident  e 
:ad  Ix-cn  annoyed  by  the  bnigging  of 
'MI-K^xs.  and  chose  me  as  its  unworthy 
•hampioii.  I  claim  very  little  credit  for 
t.  I  lit  it  i-  a  fact  tha'  _;aiii  I 

tad  a  clear  Ix-ard  ! 

\Vhcn    the   mists   of  triumph   i  ! 
'rom     I  efore    n  ilie      Pillg-l'ong 

'hani|'i.iii   was   ^-r.ispin^   my   hand,  and 
hey  were  giving  brandy  to  my  opponent. 

'ihus.  and  not   otherwise,  did    I 
he  man 


\VANTKI)    A    KI.")\vr.l;  ' 

.V'lIIKIl    Kmpire    1'av    I.MS    c and 

jone,  and   the  svtbontisj  do   iic.t    \et 

ippear   to   ha\e    discoxered    '•!'    '!• 
upon  the  symlHilic  Ini|H>rial  llower.     The 
•laims  of  the  Ihiisy  have  bi-en  ad\ 
ny    certain    imaginative   champions.      It 
is  the  emblem  of  modesty  and  innocence. 
no   doubt,    but.    unless    of     the    iNmhle 
Ox-eye     variety,  it    would     seem     t"    be 
somewhat  inadequate.    Meanwhile  we  an- 
nul without  other  suggestions  (n 
from  the  waste  paper  basket  I. 

A  1'AHiiof  writi-s:  "  <  Mir  national 
ininial  is  still,  1  In-lieve.  the  Mritish  I.ion. 
unless  it  is  by  any  chance  the  hiimbler 
and  more  domestic  quadrupe<l  that  is. 
sometimes  fabletl  to  assume  tliemonarcli's 
skin.  Allow  me,  therefore,  to  ji 
the  Paiideliim  as  a  reminder  to  the 
weak  knnil." 

I JTTl  I  Kxi.l  \xi-i  i:  declines  that,  if  he 
lias  a  Preference,  it  i^  for  '.niaking 
lira.-s.  \Vhy  should,  lie  :isk>.  the  tiction 
of  intrepidity  IM-  any  longer  maintained  ' 

Sr.    (  itoi.i.r    pins    his    f;iith    to   Snap 
dragon.      He  holds  that   it   is  the  n 
..f  the   British  Umpire,  .mil  Mr    llui'VM 
in    particular,  to  embark  on  ad\ej 
to   play  the  knight  errant,  and  generally 
pull  chestnuts  out  of  the  lire. 

Sn'IMt-l    BBji:     "1  lead    ill  Tin'    hni 
'///.i'/«-  ill   l-'Inii'i-i-K  that  Candy-tuft  signi 
lies    indifTiTcnee.       I    sliall    accordingly 
adopt    that    plant    in    future  by    way    of 
;    against    these  chauvinistic    and 
uneosiiio]Kilit;in  movements." 

A  l'riNii:o-i  l.i  M, in;  ;isks:  "What's 
wrong  with  DI.-I.M  i  is  favourite  flower? 


MAY  29,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


303 


MR.    PUNCH'S    PAGEANTS. 

Some  Sugrjeftiona  to  the  Committee  of  ttie  Coventry  Payeaiit. 


EPISODE  I. 

The  Cycle  Industry.     The  First  Freo-wheel  Tandem 
constructed  at  Coventry  (Stone  Age). 


EPISODE  II. 

The  Cycle  Industry.      Incursion  of  the  Dhunlwp  Welsh.     There  is  a 
legend  that  they  arrived  ia  "Hand-brakes,"  tlien  soea  for  the  first  time. 


We  shall  be  happy  to 
enrol  the  whole  400 
millions  on  our  books  of 
membership. 

AN  UNDERTAKER  de- 
clares that  for  a  hope- 
ful, cheering  and  sober 
token  nothing  better  can 
be  found  than  the  Im- 
mortelle. 

'ARRY  votes  for  the 
Mistletoe,  which  he  in- 
timates is  always  in 
season  and  completely 
expresses  his  feelings. 

A  NEW  BOER  FELLOW- 
SI  IUECT  sends  a  sprig  of 
the  Wacht-en-bietje  or 
Wait-a-bit  Thorn  with- 
out further  comment 
than  the  label. 

COLNEY  HATCH  is 
strongly  in  favour  of 
the  Vegetable  Marrow, 
as  nobody  who  sported 
a  twenty-pounder  in  his 
button-hole  could  pos- 
sibly forget  it  was 
Empire  Day  and  all  the 
privileges  and  duties 
involved. 

Failing    these,    how- 


ever, we  are  inclined  to 
think  that  the  casewould 
best  be  met  by  a  com- 
bination bouquet  of  the 
Rose,  the  Thistle,  the 
Shamrock,  the  Leek,  the 
Maple-leaf,  the  Corn- 
stalk, and  the  Bind- 
weed. Ziu-Zxa. 


EPISODE  III. 

Lady  Godiva  (in  her  Go-diving-dress).     In  view  of  the  cold  water  thrown  on 
the  idea  of  absolute  realism  in  the  portrayal  of  Lady  Godiva,  why  not  com- 
promise as  above  ? 


"Saying:  »  Good 

Deal." 
"  Mil.    McKENNA   is  08 

good  a  swimmer  as  he 
is  an  oarsman,  and  that 
is  saying  a  good  deal, 
for  he  stroked  bow  in 
the  Cambridge  Univer- 
sity Eight  of  1887."— 
Bystander. 

THIS  comes  all  the  way 
from  Alberta,  Canada  : 

"  Room  wanted — by  JMung 
man  of  respectable  mien,  as 
well  as  otherwise." 

We  are  glad  to  hear 
this,  for  one  cannot  be 
too  careful.  As  the  poet 
says,  "Many  a  respect- 
able mien  hides  a  very 
different  otherwise." 


.'I 


ITM  ll    "i:  mi-;   LONDON   «  ll\i;i\  \i;i 


.\U> 


1907. 


WHAT   KIND  OF    PAPER   DOES 
A    MAN    LIKE    BEST? 

NI-:\V 


PAGE  7  or  "  THE  l>ui  v  MAIL  "  AS  TW: 

\  i       V 

•v    to    getting    absolute 
velty  ami   maintaining  the  up-to-date 
enterprise  for  \vlii.  is  famous, 

we  have  employt-d  Mr.  JAW  JAR  iv 
open  this  mrreapondence.  Mr.  S\MS 
write*  in  public  w>  seldom.  ami  his 
opinions  an>  so  little  known.  that  any- 
thing from  his  j«-ii  has  peculiar  weight. 
From  time  to  time  other  men  with 
views  of  tin-  ntriMwt  gravity  on  all  IJIK^ 
lions  will  contribute  to  this  discussion, 
among  iln-m  Mr.  t;ioi.,.i  \:>  \\M-I.K. 
Mr.  KK:AI:  and  ^Mr.  II.  Ku 

CHEUK  (V 

TUK   II'KAL  r.M'Ki;. 
By  Jnir  Jin-  Si/m». 

In  an  imiortant  discussion  of  this 
kind  it  is  well  to  begin  liy  clearing  the 
ground  of  misconceptions.  It  is  neces- 
sary tn  understand  at  the  very 
what  is  meant  by  the  won!  "i«a|H-r." 
Is  it  a  daily  pa|*-r  or  a  weekly  j>aper? 
An  evening  paper  or  *  dganlta  pajM-r? 
A  wall  paper  or  a  tly  pa|n-r?  It  would 
be  alwnrd  if  all  the  correspondents  of 

this    ilillin-iiti.il     sheet     were     persuaded 

that  fly  |  '1  •  i-  were  under  discussion, 
for  such  a  m  infusion  wmdil  tend  to 
decrease  the  value  of  their  criticism. 
Let  it  therefore  !«•  said  at  onee  in  the 
dearest  possible  way.  that  liy  "paper" 
is  meant  a  daily  paper—  a  morning 
paper. 

Many  of  the  differences  between  a 
morning  paper  and  an  evening  paper 
are  manife  ut  one  lias 

need  to  be  a  working  journalist  for 
many  years.  1  •  f,  to  appreciate 

the  more  delicate  ni.-cties  of  divergence. 
The  main  differences  may  be  tabulated 
thus  : 

A  morning  paper  comes  out  in  the 
night  ;  an  evening  paper  cornea  out  in 
the  morning. 

A  morning  pajier  has  one  edition 
only  ;  an  evening  j-iiji-r  U-^iiiN  with  the 
fourth,  and  only  after  many  hectic  hourw 
reachea  ito  blessed  "  Final." 

A  morning  paper  occasionally  tel!- 
the  truth. 

A  morning  paper  is  never  green  and 
never  pink. 

A^nortiing  paper  is  IxNight  at  a  stall 
or  a  shop,  and  you  have  to  go  for 
evening  paper  is  pushed  at  you. 

Ai.i  I  --•  f"rth. 

*>  much,  let   me  return 
to     Oppo-  Vill.t      an     I 

.iii..itii  al. 

ii  f<>r  leas  weary 
•re.  .1  \»  .'  - 


A    t  M..I.  .Ii  :• 

kin.)    of    paper    tliat     I    lik< 

ilf  |i-niiy.    and     is    n.  >t     iinl\ 
lirii;lit    lint    l>r.nii\ .      It    ha-  a  ne« 

-    a    lot    of 

.us   without    giving    the   an-uiT~ 

Mich   a-  "Will    there   In'  a  line  Ivrliv 

t'an     Yorkshire     \\inV"    and 


vw-lK  vt 


"What    kind    of    grandmother    <i 
man  like  I  . 

llrifton.  T.  WIIKIN-.V    H.... 

Too  KIM.. 

The    kind    of    papi-r    a    -'ii~il.li-    man 

<   'iitiiiiially 
ing    iis    mind.       Nothing 

/ >>,! „',.!,.  A    ! 

A     \  1.11  III     .l.-kK. 

lla\iii^'    IH-.-H    Ix.rn    in    1>I7    I    know 
what    I   am    talking  al»-ut.  and   tl 

ihat  a 


i-    tl,.-    papi-r   of    which 
Umk  note;,  are  made. 

Tl  s    |o    *    III  v 

Win.   Kv>«-. 

I  like  a  pa|.cr   that   nndei-lamls   liead- 
~.i  well    that  yon    needn't    read    the 
irtirli-al   all.      My   idea  < if  a^1*"'  ]>a|ier 
one  that    ki-«-|>-  tl  umler  and 

line-,  a  si 

M  ,jor  K.  N.  I'l  . 
Not   Amun  01   HIS  <IPIM..\. 

A    man.    Ix-'n  i>      animal 

with   too   much    boredom    in   actual  life, 
naturally   want;,  a   pa|>er   that    will   c   i. 
liiiual!  .in:;     him     thrills.         It 

i  matter  whether  they  are  well 
founded  or  not  ;  that  i-  immaterial. 
He  would  rather  ha\e  fal-c  in-w*  than 
no  new-,  at  all. 

lliu-i-«j<it>:        W.  Unis-Ml  if  Hi: 

II  \l.T. 

IVfore  il  i>  !•«.  late  may  I  nr^e  ii|  .11 
every  reader  of  your  \alual.li-  journal  to 
hasten  to  the  Notion  Theatre  I"  906  Ml.-- 

HAI!!JI\V  in  her  charming  play.  YOHWI 
>'<uii//»;-./  i'f  Mi'i-lini.  1  OO  not  -.iv  it  is 
i  \\oiiderfui  play,  hut  1  clo  say  that  Mi-- 

IMOW  i>  i if  th.  i  I'.n^li-li 

act  roses  in  Snrhiton.  A  1 

Tin-  Ii  :ito  this  column  l>y 

an  error,  whu-h  was  not  discnveietl  until 
it  was  I, HI  late  to  omit  it. 


A    1,'K.M'KIJS   CI.'ATITrhK. 
(To  tl,,- K,l',t<.r  of  "  l'Hnch.") 

l>iMi   Sn:,      1  wi.-i  •  you 

my  sincerc-t  than!  time  ago 
out  of  the  kindness  of  yoiir 

pnxluced  a  speciiu'-ii   p.  puhli- 

cation  called  H»>n>-  I'lun,' 

you  may  have  l«-<-n  ]>aid  lor  it-  in-i-rtion 

as  an  advertise nt  ;    Imt  I  gixeyou  tin- 

lM-nelil     of    the    clolll  ife    and     I 

were   immediately   struck    l\v  it-  \ 
attractive   features  ;   and  nit   we 

have  U-cn  taking  in  two  or  three  of  tin- 
well  known  home  m  w.t-k 
-ince,  tinding  them  to  Mend  instruction 
and  enlci-tainiiicut  in  a  manner  truly 
admirable, 

It     is    (ruin    t  1    i,f    the    j-erial 

ticlion  that  we  receive  the  kit-iie-t  enjoy- 
ment :  the:  thing  so  original  in 
the  incident*  and  so  vigorous  in  tin- 
language.  May  I  ijiioic  a  lew  lirief 

•  if  my   statement  ''. 

"    I'..  ;i.  :     \-.<  ar    out     than     rust     out,' 

red  the  young  man  lirightly.  a-  he 

lifli-<l  his   eye-    from    tin-    parcel    he    was 

lying  up  to  hi-  mother's  sweet  old    face. 

which  now  wore  a  shade  of  anxiety." 

her  dying   day    >he   never   forgot 

ilial    -i' in-.      Il    wa-    liiirnl     in    on     her 

ry   with    the   Mood  reil    angui.-h   of 

"  II. -r  father  w.i-  a    Ilu  —  ian  noMe  and 


HAY  29,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


395 


married  an  English  girl  who  died  soon 
after  she  \vas  horn." 

"His  heart  leapt,  to  his  month  as  he 
considered  the  possibility.  But  ho  put 

it  resolutely  behind  his  back." 

"It  was  VIVIAN'S  coat!  VIVIAN!  the 
only  man  he  had  ever  felt  jealous  of 
hanging  in  his  wife's  wardrobe  behind 
her  own  dresses.  1  lere  was  the  evidence, 
the  foul  evidence  that  was  staring  him 
in  the  face." 

"  With  a  short,  harsh  laugh  he  thrust 
liis  head  into  his  inner  pocket  and  drew 
out  the  pocket-book  that  he  had  taken 
from  the  squire." 

In  the  face  of  such  quotations  as  these 
who  will  say  that  the  possibilities  of 
English  literature  are  exhausted  ?  Cer- 
tainly not,  Sir,  Yours  gratefully, 

A  HOME  BIRD. 


HOW  TO  READ  SMARTLY. 

(Reprinted  from  "  Tlie  Glass  of  Fashion.") 

THESE  notes  are  not  intended  to  help 
the  literary  woman  or  the  student.  I 
leave  such  to  go  their  own  way,  for  they 
appear  to  read  for  reading's  sake,  and 
they  are  hopelessly  unfashionable  in 
their  choice  of  literature.  But  this  is 
an  age  in  which  every  girl  who  enters 
Society  must  profess  to  read,  and, 
what  is  still  more  important,  she  must 
possess  literary  opinions.  Hence  there 
are  many  of  us  who  do  our  reading,  if 
I  may  so  put  it,  as  a  social  duty,  and 
it  is  to  readers  of  this  kind  that  I  desire 
to  give  a  few  valuable  hints  drawn 
from  my  own  experience.  For  many  a 
girl  who  wishes  to  be  a  social  success 
fails  because,  first.she  does  not  know  what 
books  pay  best  for  reading,  and  secondly, 
she  does  not  know  what  she  is  expected 
to  say  about  those  she  has  read. 

The  fundamental  principle  which  the 
fashionable  reader  must  remember  is 
that  it  is  better,  infinitely  better,  not 
to  read  at  all  titan  not  to  read  smartly. 
And  herein  lies  a  great  difficulty.  For 
the  fashions  of  lxx>ks  are  even  more 
transitory  than  those  of  dress.  It  is 
safe  to  say  that  the  books  which  are 
read  to-day  will  assuredly  not  be  read 
to-morrow.  Hence  it  takes  a  very  clever 
woman  to  be  really  up-to-date.  But  I 
will  suggest  a  simple  ride.  Read  any 
striking  Ixxik  which  you  hear  mentioned 
within  one  week  of  its  issue,  and  never 
read,  or  at  any  rate  mention,  a  book 
which  has  appeared  in  a  sixpenny 
edition  ;  for  by  that  time  the  fashion 
mnst  have  percolated  to  the  lower  classes, 
and  it  is  hopeless  for  smart  use.  To 
take  one  or  two  well-known  names — 
Biiowxixo  and  TKNNYSON,  though  not 
published  in  the  cheapest  form,  are 
utterly  out  of  date  at  present.  They 
are  too  old  to  be  modern,  and  too 
modern  to  be  quaint. 

You    must    remember    also    that    a 


SCENE — Annual  Inspection  of  Volunteer  liattalion. 

Inspecting  Officer.  "Axo  WHERE,  NOW,  DOES  YOUR  DRUMMER  STAND  WITH  YOUR  COMPANY  ON 
PARADE?" 

Ignorant  and  cheerfully  casual  Junior  Sub.  (ttith  alacrity).  "  On,  I  ALWAYS  GIVE  HIM  A  FREE 
HAND,  Sm."  [Report  on  Junior  Officers,  Imd. 


reader's  own  personal  style  must  be 
considered.  A  petite  blonde  with  a  baby 
stare  should  never  attempt  MEREDITH, 
though  she  may  look  very  charming 
with  a  dainty  Elizabethan  Anthology. 
Anthologies  are  very  useful  to  those 
whose  purses  are  not  long.  They  can 
be  made  to  reappear  in  a  hundred 
different  ways,  both  for  picnics  or  for 
evening  use.  Healthy  and  athletic  girls 
go  well  with  KIPLING  and  NEWBOLT. 
MAETERLINCK  needs  a  very  special  type 
of  reader— parted  lips  and  spiritual  eyes 
if  possible.  With  HEWLETT  you  must 
be  very  careful.  Don't  bother  about 
CHESTERTON  at  all. 

SHAKSPEAHE  is,  of  course,  somewhat 
ordinaire,  but  there  is  no  doubt  that 
he  lends  himself  conveniently  to  smart 
little  Reading  Circles,  at  which  a  chic 
effect  can  be  produced  by  using  single- 
play  volumes  bound  in  colours  to  match 
the  costumes  of  the  readers.  Of  course 
the  commoner  plays,  such  as  Hamlet  or 
Julius  Ccesar,  should  not  be  used ;  it 
must  always  be  remembered  that 
SHAKSPEARE  after  all  is  only  SHAKSPEARE 
and  some  original  feature  should  be  intro- 
duced as  accessory.  It  is  not  bad  to  say 
languidly  now  and  then  that  every  time 
a  play  of  SHAKSPEARE  is  revived  you  go 
and  see  a  new  SHAW. 

Let  me  add  a  few  words  of  advice 
upon  the  expression  of  literary  judg- 
ments. And  here  I  would  most  seriously 
warn  all  those  who  wish  to  excel  in 
literary  criticism.  Never  dare  to  express 


an;/  opinion  on  any  book  until  you  have 
rend  one  or  more  reviews  upon  it.  Your 
reviews  are  in  fact  your  fashion-plates. 
But  even  so  a  difficulty  may  arise. 
Other  people  may  have  recourse  to  the 
same  review,  and  nothing  is  more  annoy- 
ing to  a  smartly-read  woman  than  to 
hear  a  neighbour,  possibly  quite  an 
inferior  person,  produce  the  very  criti- 
cism which  she  thought  she  had  made 
her  own.  You  must  try  to  be  in  the 
prevailing  fashion,  but  at  the  same  time 
contrive,  as  with  dress,  to  give  your 
views  a  touch  of  individuality.  This  is 
difficult.  I  have  been  lucky  enough  to 
get  hold  of  a  cheap  little  woman  who 
once  went  to  Oxford,  and  who  has  a 
university  degree,  or  something  I  be- 
lieve they  call  "an  equivalent."  She 
is  quite  glad  to  make  up  all  my  judg- 
ments for  me  in  return  for — what  do 
you  think  ?•-—  simply  my  old  czst-off 
books !  I  felt  a  little  nervous  at  first 
lest  her  opinions  might  be— well,  a 
little  too  substantial  and  dull  for  smart 
use,  but  she  assures  me  that  she  never 
uses  her  own  personal  opinions  for  me, 
but  that  she  works  up  quite  different 
ones  to  suit  my  style. 

In  conclusion  I  should  like  to  state 
that  I  am  about  to  publish  a  booklet 
entitled  Ijabcls  for  Authors,  containing 
the  names  of  all  eligible  writers,  followed 
by  a  list  of  suitable  epithets.  These 
epithets  will  be  revised  from  time  to 
time  in  now  editions  according  to  the 
movements  in  fashion. 


|T\<  H     M|; 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
,  .Vr.  I'unfh'f 

.ntry  which   i-  one  "f 
marked  rh  :ncii. 

ich  liou- 
hw  Sriitch   iinvt-1  Tlif  l*i  ft    /Mi,..       An.l 


I  .MM  in  \     i 

ill  • 

the    ironwork 

balla-l    taken 


,\|;|. 


i".'. 


p'-  -!•!••-  l-ii  -.  M.  -hlx  ..mill.-.!  anil  tarn-d. 
t'f    the   lillj-r   nx_crhauliil    and    repaired,    more 
Imad,  lit-'-  ri.k'^ini;    |.ui 


•'  .•  111.  -' 


of  hi-  country  IIMMI,   Mr 

-    Mill      for    tile    I  etietl' 

/(in/.  din}*   tin 

:      Xllla*.  "'I 

her    day.          I  hat     I 
only  lak 
•      tch  all  tl 

ujlh    the  -1    Pud"    is  delightful,  and 

the  old  SnU'h  aunts  with  whom   she  inaki-  her  !. 
one  of  them,      1  i-in    c,el   line  cooks  lliut   are  wanting   in  the 
ml    pious  nirls   who  couldn't   In-  trust. -d    I" 
bake  a  Christian   -.  '    ' 


into 

!  a  plentiful    supply   "f    w.««l    and    water   ohtaii  • 
l.'eili-rali.'ii  ol     partjeulai  -  "I  this    kiml   is  apt   to  pall.       C.«ik's 

.  Mr    Nili.   Mi  MIO  has    Mi,ry  w;|s  (,,1)  i§f  ,],,.  ,  ;    j.athle-  i    unknown 

•  as   the   publishers  of    |  ul,|.       'r|n  •  ,H.U  ,,f  ihi-  in  I  he  l-K'k.  w  Inch  i-  m-x  er 

d    then,  also  after  the    t),  ,    _,,,|i,|     «i,nlribution    to   the 


•„!    IMS    novel    , 

ii-  I  ion  >i  11 
rchildh.iod    ,n   a 


made  tin-  Kmpire. 


choice  lietxvi-en    two  . 


in-    Denial 

••ihlx 

hill-  "  - 

_;    plai 

II   and   !.•«'  fl 

Ive  ah!' 

lx»ik    conveys 


-• 


no    place    can 
lullmcn   de-ire 

-  his  sudden  combe*  and  s«-a-likc 
i,i-    xx  ay  to   xvi-h    to   ki-cp   them    to 
.•I-    >;o  elwwherc.        For  tlli.- 
M:       |',i  M'i  i  ^    h.i-    xx  ritten     1,'mniil 

.i-.-urcdly   n il-ide    reader    xvill 

peculiar  charm  of  (hi-  county  so  English 
rji    to    KiiKlishinen.    a     charm    xvhich    his 
admirably.       Hi-    many    historical    anec- 


( 


(s^        _(li(|  u  vivi,|   an,|    „, 

,v  ,,,ually   ,.l,,,«,nt   remarks  in    Mr.   Mis.,'-    ^^    .(i    ^  .  .....  ^    ^    ^.^  ^^    ,m(.|i:mUM,   ,,y 

iiipit.il  l««>k.  _  niivlern  ii'iulilion-.  \\hri-e  (he  nam.sof  the  lifteenth  i-entmy 

Thr<'oirard  iu  /•.'./.  11  (Hi  |.  I  ^-A     !•>  VIM  i  \i  I'-i..  v\v.-l  -.nnihar  i.  .lay:   ami   Mr.  BuDlEf'fl  opinion 


A   WORK 


SUPER-IRRIGATION. 


of  the 
ciated 


ru-tic 
liy   all 


will   !»•  ^>i 
who   know    that 


u-  two  lip'thei.-  ami  two 
Al'AM  ami  KVK  aic. 
I  imagine,  repre^-nliil  t.y  the 

oilier  brother  anil  tl Met 

M-lcr.  who  are  married,  ami 
Kilen  i-  exiilenlly  the  country 
j'laci'  where  they  live.  The 
other  liri'thiT  ami  .-i-i- 

I  .  .in  -•  e.  tin  not  strictly 
t-otrr>|'oiiil  to  anything  in  the 
original  tlanh-n.  Still,  they 

ui;ai;i  'I  to  In"  nuirritil. 
whic!  -iifliciently 

iifial  to  pass.  Tht"  ser- 

wiihont  any  doubt,  i.- 
AI-VM'S  first  wife  (conijiciir 

Ij|.mi  of  tllO  legend  ,  who, 
l»-lieve<l  to  Ix'ile-ail.  n-ap|H-ar« 
with  iiuiny  wiles,  which  have 
money  an  their  ohjivt. 

!.•!!  idf.i.  which  hasliccn 

gpttinK  chaky  for  SOIIM- time,  ends  hopelessly,  for  the  wr|H-nt  The  illn.-iration- are  excellent,  although  the  coloured  draw- 
gctodrownedatp. 7i  i.owever.  \i>t-   ins^s  are  m>t  BO charactaristic  aq  the  photognphs. 

and  she  pih-j,  up  e\  idenn-  in  her  mind  to  connect  it  with 
the  Minuter  lirothiT      The  elder,  who  is  a  first  cl.i-s  coward.        Tin-re  are  some  people  whom  Christian  S-iem.-eni 

..  .  .  .  ii  ii't  •-•'..  1  '.  11.  tl  II 

in  the  end 
much  what-a 
who  indulge 

In-   III    real    life. 


and  there   a  .-li^'ht    inac. 
ha-    ciept    ill.      The    "li^in  of 
"Try     Xid.-w  a\  -."     in      \l  r. 
I'uncl 

With         \\'e-t          I.  nil! 

I'otlei  lie  ;    a    photograph    of   a 
I'ollerne  lane  lia-  Uvti  u  i 

'  '1  to  Itam.-liuiv  ,  and. 
1  i-tly.  no  \Viltshireman  will 
allow  that  that  l>est  of  marrh- 
in^'  tunes,  "  Tin  rli/  IK-  on  llic 
tili-lillll."  should  lie  rendered 

in    any    other    way    than    tin- 
following  :  — 

"Tlii-vly!     Tli.'\lv! 

I'll.-  \  ly  U-  .'ii  tin-  liinniit, 

It  In-  arl  mi'  i-vr  f"i   I  • 

TM  kip  tlj.-y  :il(  llir  liinnllt." 


Which  i-  a  mi-take  in  a  novel. 


the    l<etwi\l  and   Ixi-lueen-      think,  like   on.-    .'I    the    chaiac 

in     '/'/(••     H»n-:-     ot      !'•' llllMXMSN'.     thai      •'ihi-e 

•hi-   hist.. i  there   han-.-   a   mi-t  of    t 'hrislian  S-ieiili-l-  haxe^ot   hold  of  a    bi^   iriilh.  but    many 

h.ne  a  pn-lly   de.  ided    notion    that    he    of   them  mix  -mil  II"  -I-  of    noii-en-e  w  illi    it    that    il    i-  i|iiil. 
lid-ami  lar-i     ,|i~,.l\  ,-.|  "       Mr     I'.     1-'    III  v     '\       d. .  idedly     interesting 


tradition.     Moat 
circumnavigated  th- 

IniCtH    of    the    i  ••lillll'  111     "f 

by  the  natixi-s  in   ll 

of  In  ••  IK-CII  xx  I 

the   • 

freij  II  h. 

i     |  ' 

•    - 


lablx   i towards  tin 

century   by    I  >r    Kli-ri-       Thex  are  im  ..mpl. •!,-. 
:,  II  to  Mi    AKIIII  it  Kil-ov 


poiuaiiac.    a    iji'ini-i     imni     w    > '-••    carly      oe-    m  •! 
at    home,  ami    an    ordinal  \ .  sen-ilile  (  'hri-l  lan    woiiian. 

-i  '  '  —  fully  "  treated  "    liy    a    liM-e/x     American    pi' 
r  -.1       i'   i  i      .1        i     i  ii.  .1 


II. 
uch 


I  ul. I 
ii.du 


and   w.i-  done   to    death     in  which    the  \.uioii-  '   elan  .1  y  ph.  .id  -I  I  'icken   \  illa-e. 

ral    narr.it i\es    a     morplioiiianiac,    a    .;r.i;i./<     ,l.nn,     wli.-e    charily    d.--    not 
cl  in 

are   MI. 

of  the    faith,    holds    the    balance    xery    evenly     U-txveen    tin-si 
rk  worthy  ol    conllii  lin^    views.      The    moral    .-ecu is  to  l>c   that    tl 
into  all  published    of  tin-  faith  lie-  in  its  Christianity  and  not   in  ii-  "Science,' 
and    that    if    can    and    does    deal   effectually    with    moral   am! 
nervous     affections.  .  but     not     xxilh     compound     Iraitnn 
organic     diwa-e        Sunewhat     mercifully     Mr.     Mi  - 

little    Ixxik.      Hut 


•  and  (  'OOK'-  i 
•id  third  x'oyagn,  comparing 

•  liiili.-ii" 

,  -.  di,-lin^iii-hi  d   rather   for    nothing    al«njt    tin  I     Mr-, 

irx  art.      Mr.  KiI-oS   misses   linulc    MxltK   TXVMN  ha- -aid  it  for  him. 


5,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


.7.17 


FALSE  COLOURS. 

.Mi:.  IVvrii,  I  ;nii  tli:il  common 
object  of  the  ]>avili<iM.  a  cricketer  with 
a  grievance,  and  I  fancy  that  you  may 
lie  able  to  help  me.  Brielly  I  wish 
you  In  contradict  tin-  erroneous  impres- 
sion which  has  got  abroad  as  to  my 
abilities  with  the  ball.  I  wisli  you  to 
state  in  your  columns,  emphatically  and 
on  oath,  that  1  am  not,  never  have  been, 
and  never  shall  be,  a  bowler.  1'nless 
you  do  this,  1  shall  retire  from  the  game 
altogether;  and.  Mi:  I'mii-li.  I  am  sure 
yon  would  not  like  me  to  do  that. 

Hut,  perhaps,  I  should  explain  why 
I  am  so  anxious  to  disclaim  the  reputa- 
tion which  has  been  thrust  upon  me; 
and  to  do  this  I  must  go  back  to  ia\ 
school  days.  At  school  1  got  into  the 
eleven  as  a  moderate  bat  and  ;i  keen 
tield  ;  lint  I  was  also  (if  I  may  say  it) 
the  best  li ft h change  liowler  in  England. 
You  know,  of  course,  the  qualities 
required  of  a  filth-change  bowler  V  He 
goes  'on  when  one  batsman  is  eighty- 
five  not 'out,  and  the  other  ninety-one, 

and  his  busine.-..-,  is  to  separate  them.  I 
used  to  separate  them  in  two  overs.  In 
the  first  they  would  complete  their  een 
tnrics;  and  in  the  second  they  would 
hit  out  recklessly,  and  get  caught  in  the 
deep.'  I  was  allowed  two  overs,  because 
I  was  supposed  to  be  finding  my  length 
in  the  first  one. 

My  mission  accomplished,  1  would  be 
taken  olT,  in  order  that  the  original  Ixwler 
might  get  to  work  on  the  new -comers. 
The  result  of  this  was  that  by  the  end 
of  the  season  I  had  taken  twenty-five 
wickets  for  about  twenty  runs  apiece. 
Not  knowing  the'  facts  of  the  ease,  an 
evening  paper  (I  fancy  it  was  The  Globe) 
included  me  next  year  in  a  list  of  pro- 
mising freshmen,  pointing  out  that  1 
was  a  "more  than  useful  bowler."  It 
was  .1  lie,  but  it  had  its  effect.  I  played 
in  a  college  match,  and  to  my  horror 
was  put  (in  first.  First  when  I  was 
the  best  fifth-change  bowler  in  England  ! 
Now.  Mi:  I'unrh,  \ve  come  here  to  the 
saddest  part  of  the  story.  I  cannot 
attempt  to  explain  how  it  happened. 
Perhaps  it  was  the  wind  and  the  new 
ball  which  made  me  swerve  Perhaps 
it  was  the  extraordinary  way  in  which 
1  changed  my  pilch  wit  I t  any  altera- 
tion of  action  1  could  always  do  that. 
Possibly  the  other  side  too  had  read 
Tlir  <  Untie,  and  was  nervous.  Whatever 
it  was,  the  fact  remains  for  ever  that 
in  the  two  innings  1  took  ten  wickets 
for  thirty  runs,  and  nine  of  those  ten 
were  clean  bowled  ! 

The  rest  of  my  cricket  career  at  the 

\arsily  was  one  long  attempt  to  live 
that  down.  I  can  lay  my  hand  on  my 
heart  and  say  that  1  did  my  best.  I 
never  took  another  wicket  of  any  kind. 

1    never   even    looked    like    taking   one. 


Wife,  "(ioon  HKAVENH,  JOHN,  WHY  I»IN'T  YOU  DO  EOMKTIIINO,  INSTKAU  OF  KITTI.M;  TIIKIIK 

COMKOIITAHLY   AXU    LETTING   YOUR    WIKK    UKuWX ?  "     . 


Yet  in  every  match  the  captain  put  me 
on  for  three  overs.  In  the  first  of  these 
1  was  finding  my  length  ;  in  the  second 
I  had  found  it ;  and  in  the  third  the 
batsman  had  found  it  too.  .  .  . 

"But  what  is  your  complaint?"  I 
can  hear  you  ask,  Mi:  Puneh.  "  Nobody 
objects  to  bowling  for  three  overs.  Most 
people  would  be  only  too  glad." 

I  will  tell  you.  As  soon  as  I  began 
to  play  cricket  I  discovered  that  if  I 
were  to  enjoy  actively  any  reasonable 
proportion  of  a  match  it  would  have  to 
be  as  a  fieldsman.  The  more  I  played, 
the  more  this  was  borne  in  upon  me, 
and  (consequently)  the  more  keen  on 
fielding  I  became  ;  until  at  the  time  of 
the  awful  accident  my  idea  of  earthly 
happiness  was  an  afternoon  at  cover, 
on  a  clear  day,  with  two  good  men  in. 

Hut  what  happens  now?  The  game 
starts,  and  for  an  hour  1  roam  happily 
about  between  point  and  mid-ofF.  Then 


the  captain  remembers  that  1  "  used  to 
be  rather  a  bowler."  JONKS  comes  off 
and  takes  my  place  at  cover.  After  the 
three  overs  SMITH  goes  on.  SMITH  is 
fielding  deep  square  leg.  "  Would  you 
mind?"  says  the  captain  to  me.  "I 
expect  we  shall  still  want  a  man  there." 
Hy-and-by  SMITH  comes  off  too,  but  he 
doesn't  return  to  deep  square  leg.  No, 
he  takes  the  new  bowler's  place  ;  while 
I  get  shifted  round  the  ropes  for  the 
rest  of  the  innings.  My  whole  day's 
fielding  is  spoilt. 

So  there,  Mr.  Punch,  is  my  grievance, 
I  wish  to  repeat  that  I  cannot  bowl. 
Surely  I  have  given  enough  evidence  of 
that  by  now.  How  many  more  long 
hops  will  it  take  to  convince  them  ?  I 
cannot  bowl.  I  never  could.  And 
though  I  once  took  ten  wickets  for 
thirty  runs- 
Hut  hush  !  We  mustn't,  remind  them 
of  that. 


VOL.   CXXX1I. 


1M  \«  H,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MI  \K.  :.,  p.»o7. 


CHARIVARIA. 

MOXZE  coin  bearing  the  i- 
lioa  'Cucmos  Cjgua'  has  been  found 

I  iy*  7V   / 
l.-liex.-d  t.i  he  WMIMI 

-  wonderful  what  Mine  people 
will  belie  •  • 

Varnishing  I  My  i.s  a  weQ-knoWB  in-ii 
tutkm,  but  Nanishin-  Ihiy  is  something 
new.  ami  Mr.  HKBBIJJT  J.  Fixs  clow  not 
like  the  innovation. 

V 

Meanwhile,  we  suppose,  one  nm-t  U- 
tliankful  for  small  merries, 
and,  at  a  lime  xvhen  tli"  only 
rv.<  tli:it  sell  are  <»I<1 
Masters,  a  live  artist  must 
take  it  as  something  of  a 
ii>ni|>liiiii>iit  if  anyiine  thinks 
his  paintings  worth  stealing. 

Says   Mr.   T*   P.   ' 
in    I'.T.O.:      "There    is    no 
in    I  lie    world    which    I 
think  so  »  'ft     with  -<.  much 
of  a  c;x>  mid  caress  in  it     .1- 
ihe    Irish    \ou-e."      \\Y    fear, 
er.  lh:it.  wlirn  tin-  voicv 
of  lr.-l.uid  comes  into  iiillisioti 
with  the  voice  of  tin-  <  mvern 
roent.  it's    usually   "  I  Kiel    lor 
•  »."         •  * 

Herr    lUniN.    in    an    inter- 
view with  a   reprcsentat  i 
the       h'ninkfuilfr       /.filuinj. 
decl  ires     that     British     ships 
nowaday*  consist  for  the  nm-i 
part  of    M-.  .ii.l  i. lie    tramps. 
Phis  II.IH  since  U-  -n  .  \|-I  imed 
away,  and  in  any  case  we  do 
not  propose  to  retort   by  call 
Herr    Hvmv's    KinjHTur 

\Vi_ittY  \VllJii:." 

V 

Prince    Kim  AUK  or    WALES 

ia  goinj;  through   his  murse 

at    the    Koxal    Naval    ColleKi- 

with       alu-.lute        t.iiii|.lii  ilx. 

Kven  the  n-juest  of  one  of  our 

daily  |«I><TK  iiims|>iciioim  for 

ita  loruty)   that    t«o  of    it* 

•portal    comwpondenU    should    fonn   a 

tuitt  for  the  Prince  waa  refiMed. 


wdl  over  twenty-two  Mono,  and  should 

,  liit  of   luck    to  keep    the 

lull  out  of  his  nioiiKtnma  Uxly. 


*  * 


1    mat*  for   the  Kuid.ii 

•s    are    U»    I"'    plai-ed     III     |.|o|iiilient 

f   lli.llK'ru.     It 

it  thought  tint  this  will  xi%e  the  |»ilice 
much  i|uestion-ailRWerinc  linleeil  it 
haa  even  U-<-ii  J.PI|M>MI|  thai  the  iua|.- 
-hall  !»•  i-xhiliite-l  on  the  l«Hlies  of  the 
iiieiiilNT.s  of  the  Kon-e. 
U'e  know  at  I'-ast  one  n»tund  ins]»-.t..r 
admir.ililv  adapt. il  fir  a  Map  of  the 
World. 


"WHOM 

F'ulltrr  (<ij<prrcialierly). 
ItIT  !  " 

l.illlf  Ctrl.    "\K!>,   IHK>R     I.ITTLK    TIIIM.-! 

Dim  VE«T  TIIIV...  I-.\'T  TIIKT,  FATIIEI?" 


THE    GODS    LOVE." 

An  !      AX    EXTKEMELT  nCLICATE    FIRM,  WIIITE- 
TllET     ALL    8ECV    TO    HAVT 


marriage  may  U-  i  on-idered  equivalent  to 

the  remainder  of  i  he  man's  sent. -nee. 

*  * 

* 
At  a  time  xvhen  the  Temperance  move 

is  undoubtedly  making  strong 
headvxay  xxe  are  -..pi\  t<i  n-a  I  that  some 
of  the  crexx  of  tln>  ( 'unarder  '  '<H/I/MIIM 
-a\v  a  s,..i  scr|>ent  off  the  coast  of  Ireland 

:lust  wi-ck.  ^  ^ 

* 

"I'|M.u  pen-fixing  that  it  xxas  ob- 
served.' myt  a  km]  account,  "the  shy 
bird  to  ik  to  its  eel-. 

*  * 
* 

A  huge  motor  nice  c.  .ur-e  uill  shortly 
lie  ojiened  at  Weyhride,e.  and 
the  racing  motorist  xvill  at  last 
have  a  chance  to  "  let  hinis.-lf 
go."  Weybridgi'  is  within 
>list.inifi  of  (lie  ISp.ik- 

wood  Necropolis. 

*  * 

We    hear    that    s. •   of    the 

Knglish  journalists  xisiling 
I  iermany  fii-1  hurt  that,  at 
Berlin,  they  should  have  IH-.-II 
rei-eived  in  the  /ool 

•  iardens.         *   * 

* 

We  cannot  help  thinking, 
by-the  by.  that  Prince  Hi  Khuv 
has  — not  unnaturally.  |  erhaps 

formed  an  exaggerated  idea 
of  the  credulity  of  the  readers 

of  at  least  one  of  our  i 

papers.  I'pou  U'ing  intro- 
'luc-<l  to  the  rcpresj-iitatixe 
of  The  l*iiil;i  -.  he 

remarked  ('I'lir  M/i/i/  HJ 
tells  us),  "  Ah.  I  knoxx-  your 
pajHM-  xxell  !  Tell  your  read. -is 
that  every. .ne  in  I  iermany, 
from  the  K\m:i:olt  t,,  the  man 
in  the  sti-1-.-l.  i~  actuated  by 
feelings  of  friendship  for 

Great  Britain." 

*  * 

At  Oxford  *The  "  Mouse," 
having  ^one  head  of  the  river, 
s.vms  to  have  celebrated  the 

event  bv  losing  its  own. 

*  * 


V 

ident,  and  not  Iic-c<-s*ilv,  i-  the 
mother  of  inxention,  dcckirrx  Thr  /,'.-. i. /./• 
When  the  new  Workmen's  Compenaa- 

\et  is  in  font?,  invention.  w<- 
will    i. .it    infrequently    U<    found    to    !»• 

the  mother  of  aividenf. 

•  • 

••n  the  luck  that  Mich  an  aggreB- 
:  layer  needs,"  aaya  The  Splin 
cricketing  note,  "Mr.  HtncHnaB,  who  is 
twice  t»  big  as  be  was  last  year,  nhould 
baT«  a  great  season."  According  to 
this  paragraph  Mr.  IhmiiXGa  must  I- 


A  certain  daily   paper  lias  been  ex- 
hibiting   in    the    windoxv    of    its    I  !. ,  t 
Sir.-,  t  ollittj  twelve  baskets   I, II,. I   with 
to     represent    the     iiumU  r    of 
rephtt.    M-nt     by    readers    to    one   of    iln 
a.|xertis.-meuts.      We  cannot  help  think 
ilik'    that    the  objix-t  los-m   would    haxe 
Uen    more    forcible   had    not    the    ri 
taclea  chosen  been  waste-paper  Ui- 

A    convict  who   is  M-rxin^  a   M-ntenc.- 
of     imprisonment    for    life     at     't 
Belgium,   lias  marrii-d    th<-  dauglr 

1    •-•.•:••.-.!:.  -!•;•!-- 
of  the  town  are   noxv   pre-entin^' 

the   authorities   asking   that   the 


A  lo.ss  of  .»;!,;•  P.I  is  shown 
on  the  working  of  the  C'ol- 
ch«t.ter  tramways  during  the  past  year. 
This  is  considered  a  xcry  haiidsoinc  loss 

for  a  comparatively  wmill  town. 
'*  * 

When,  we  xvonder,  shall  wo  havo 
adequate  ins|4-ction  of  fi«o<|?  The 
bttowiu  gruesome  statement  a|i|H-ared 
last  wn-k  :  "On  the  arrival  of  the  one 
o'cl'«-k  l»<:il  train  at  1  lover  yesterday,  a 
frightened  and  dishevelleil  cat  spiani; 
from  ln-neath  one  of  the  carriaK'1*.  /t 
In  tin-  ri  'tiiiinuil  nt  \"n-l»rin." 


A  Bong  of  Batsmen. 
(Fur  an  early  uriimm  of  IHII!  u-ickrJt.) 

"Hmwago  gathering  nouxhi.s  in  May." 


n,    OR    TIIF,   LOXDOV   Olf  XRTVARf.     .Tr\-.:   5.   1007, 


A  DEAD   CE11T. 


ARTHUR  BAI.FOIU.  "  I  LAY  33  TO   1   AGAINST  IRISH  COUNCIL  BILL !  " 

WALTER  LONG.  "JTST    BEEN    SCKATCIIKD,    (JCVNOlf." 

ARTHUR  BALFOI  R.  "  ALL  THE  BETTER.    I  MAKE  IT   100  TO   1  !  " 

[It  is  reported  that  the  Albeit  Hall  demonstratiuii  :ij,Minst  tlie  Iiis'.i  Council  Bill  is  still  to  be  held,  notwithstanding  the  withdrawal  of  the  measure.] 


JOSE  5,  L907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


401 


Tummy  .\lliinx  (to  I  'olonrl,  irk>  Juts  l>rowjltt  him  to  see  a  Memorial  Jirass  in  tlus  Church  to  tltose  of  their  Regiment  who  fell  in  a  late  War). 
'\VKI.L,  SIR,  IF  I'D  A-KXOWX  YOUR  NAME  WEREN'T  A-GOING  TO  BE  AMONCST  'EM,  BLEST  IF  I'D  HAVE  SUBSCKIIIKD  A  PENNY  TO  THE  THIM;  !  " 


CHANSON  DU  SUD. 
(To  my  Cake  of  Travelling  Soap.) 

RKFIVKD  companion  !     Sanitary  friend  ! 

\Vlio,  faring  with  mo  by  the  southward  boat-train, 
lli'i  MS  we  journeyed  home  your  watery  end, 

Where  (leuoa  sits  enthroned,  a  sea-girt  haute  reine ; 
Yours  was  the  simple  seent  that  cheered  my  nose 

And  overpowered  Italia's  rich  afflatus 
In  regions  where  the  almond-blossom  blows, 

l'>ut  garlic  has,  in  fact,  a  prior  status. 

The  gilded  "range-groves  went  slipping  by  ; 

The  sky,  the  sea,  were  blue,  but  ah,  who  was  it, 
A\  hen  sections  ol'  that  landscape  stung  my  eye, 

That  helped  me  to  remove  their  dumped  deposit  ? 
Who  else  hut  you  could  bring  the  touch  of  home 

Or  make  the  tears  in  grateful  optics  gather, 
When,  whiter  than  the  Alps  or  Asti's  foam, 

1  sought  the  solace  of  your  smarting  lather? 

Your  day  is  passed,  you  shall  not  rise  again ; 

A  sacrifice  to  Albion's  homely  custom, 
Your  relics  float  in  many  a  far-off  drain  ; 

Some  foreign  basin  was  your  funeral  bimlum; 
Successors  hold  your  room  at  eve  and  morn, 

But  still  your  shadow  lives,  a  thought  of  gladness, 
Loyal  as  Baedeker  in  lands  forlorn 

That  deem  our  lustral  rites  a  mark  of  madness ! 


Here,  where  the  walls  are  plastered  with  your  praise 

And  midnight  sees  it  on  our  roofs  resurgent, 
Where  no  grim  mystery,  no  secret  shame, 

Surrounds  the  saponaceous  detergent ; 
Unthinkingly  I  clasp  your  rosy  peers ; 

In  trite  though  honoured  use  they  perish  daily ; 
But  you  who  passed,  the  sport  of  alien  jeers, 

To  dissolution — Ave  atqiie  vale! 

Twentieth-Century  Culture. 

(Overheard  in  the  tram.) 

lie.  How  arc  you  going  to  the  Fancy  Dress  to-night? 
Mie.  As  Juliet. 

lit-.  There  '11  be  plenty  of  Macbeths  after  you. 
THIS  would  just  have  suited  SIIAKSFEAIIE'S  heroine : 

"  0  Romeo,  Romeo  !  wherefore  art  thou  Romeo  ?  " 
Wherefore,  for  instance,  art  thou  not  Macbeth  7 

The  Penalties  of  Fashion. 

IT  has  been  often  said  that  the  upper  classes  have  caves 
and  anxieties  of  which  the  envious  middle  classes  know 
little  or  nothing.  Here  is  a  cutting  from  The  Queen : — 

"  When  or.e  is  dining  in  good  comrany  every  night  the  neck  and 
arms  have  to  be  considered." 

"A  BRAVE  EFFORT. 

A  DIFFERENT  COMPLEXION  PUT  ON  BY  TYLDESLEY." 

Liverpool  Echo. 

WIIEN  we  last  saw  him,  Tyii>£si.F.Y  was  a  brunette. 


Ml 


OR  TIIH  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


. 


WAGNERIAN   HITCHES  I   HAVE 

MET. 

I    iiwxrs   feel  a  sense  of  loneliness 
and  notation  in   my  position  whan  I 
lake  my  place  in  the  assembly  »f  earnest 
souls  at  Covent  (ianlen  on  a  \\ 
night.     I  cast  my  eye  ov.-r  li 
house  in    tin-  knowledge   thnt  ti 
irit    there.     For  IK 

mant  in  the  |«erfonnnmv  ili.it  appeals 
to  me  ban  K  imchow  Ui-ii  overlooked  by 
the  rest  of  th<>  tlir  r,-r  t..  the 

•porting  element.  I  am  a  student  nf 
the  Wagiit-rian  Hitch. 

lue  the  singe  is  a  I,  inl.-l.-  M       It 


is  the  contest  between  the  Management 
ami  the  Book  that  I  come  to  >•  i 
know  my  stage  directions  by  heart.  I 
come  to  see  them  i-.irn.-d  out. 

Generally  speaking,  I  am  full  of  sym 
pathy  for  the  Management,  unless  I 
catch  them  shirking  the  more  difficult 
problem*.  Hut  it  must  be  remen 
that  I  am  a  collector.  Fvery  new  Hitch 
is  another  scalp  at  my  U-lt. 

I  may  lie  asked  what  constitutes  a 
Hitch.  Ix-t  me  explain. 

When  the  dawn  appears  in  solid  n-d 
squares,  as  one  has  seen  it  in  7'unn- 
hau*fr  it  is  a  Hitch. 

When,   in  the  Hi/in//  iMrhman.  tin- 
ship  rushes  madly  out  to  sea  with  no 
sails  set,  and  certainly  no  oarx,  paddles, 
turbine,    or    other    visible     m.-a: 
propul-ioii     it  i-  a  serious  Hitch. 

And    when   the    mvan    in    /».'irix;ri»i 
arrives   by  leapa  and   bounds 
very  palpable  Hitch. 

There  is  a  scene  at  the-  close  of  l!i,-n:i 
where  the  List  of  the  Tribunes  is  dis 
covered  at  the  top  of  a  burning  house 
tenderly  embracing  his  sisti-r  •!  think  it 
is  his  sister  .  while  the  mob  bcloxx  hurls 
stones  at  him.  It  ixa  fiowcrful  dramatic 
situation.  Imt  on  the  only  occasion  on 
which  I  xvas  there  to  see,  the  effect  was 
sadly  marred  by  a  curious  and  painful 
incident.  It  HO  happened  that  a  stone 
of  gigantic  proportions  (which  must 
have  been  flung  by  a  veritable  SXM.HX 
Struck  lfifii:i  on  the  side  of  the  head. 
A  thrill  of  horror  ran  through  the 
audience.  Imt  lie  merely  sh.ok  his 
head  thi-  nturdv  tenor  and  fell  once 
more  on  the.  lady's  neck  ;  while  the 
•tone  dropped  ami  l»uu, 
— upon  the  stage. 

I  went   home  after   that.     I   felt   that 
to  hear  the  rent  of  the  ojicra.  h 


•  •r    from   a   man    on    my    right 
-ants  in  x- 

Hut  it  is  when  one  comes  to  deal  xxilh 
the   heaxenly  bodies  that  one  mak 
most    delightful    and     Hurpri-ing 

HOXX    often    have     I 
Tiitinliiin.irr    rise    and 


sun    in 


ili.s 
the 
Illl 


it   in 


fine  it   might    be,   would    but   -. 
the    vixi 

BHOl 


impreesion    of    that    great 


In  the  hunting  scene,  at  the-  end  of 
the  First  Act  of  Tiinnliniiffr.  I  n-iiiem- 
l«-r.  in  a  small  pn. xm-  id  the.iin-.  the 
•poiU  of  the  .  h;u*e.  carri<«l  iii  liy  a  host 

of  vocally-gifted   beaters  -.-d    i., 


ben 


x  piled  i 

i  .  •  .-  ..,- 


Imdly  stuffed     and 


a  white   rabbit.     I   heard  a  i|uerulou* 


Uushingly  in  the  -an;.-  cjiiart  -r  of  the 
heavens  !  Then-  xvas  a  moon  al-o  in  the 
uhich  came  up  xvilh 
astounding  rapidity,  guiltily  conscious 
of  the  fact  that  it  xvas  thirty  two  bars 
late  in  starting;  and  to  return  again  to 
Tiiiiiili'iitiu-i;  1  rememlier  xvell  a  fitful 
evening  star  xvhich  had  to  Ix-  replenished 
•  ••liy  during  WdLfrOfit  impas 
-miie-i  .derable  liexxil 

lerment.  xvhich  must  have  Ix-en  increased 
by  the  fact  that  it  always  appeared  in  a 
new  place  till  it  IH-CUIIIC.  in  truth,  an 
cxening  constellation. 

Hut  it  is  not  always  the  wvne  shifter 
or  stage-carjicntcr  who  is  to  blame. 
Singers  an-  sometimes  attacked  by  a 
glorious  spirit  of  perversity.  When  the 
"wood  -bird"  h;is  fluttered  off  in  a 
northerly  direction,  it  is  the  height  of 
inconsistency  for  Sicijfrifil  first  of  all  to 
announce  his  intention  of  foil .  ixving 
whithersoever  it  may  lead,  and  then  to 
depart  due  south.  Ami  it  is  pitiable  to 
behold,  as  I  haxe  done,  the  distracted 
>Vnf«i  jumping  off  a  lo-.v  rock  into  a 
calm  sea.  xxhile  a  large  cnnvd  of  gaping 
onlookers  make  no  effort  whatsoever  to 
effect  a  n-scisc. 

Hut  to  see  the  Hitch  at  its  best  we 
must  turn  to  the  Ifimj  the  never-failing 
A'/'i/;/.  The  first  problem  that  confronts 
us  is  one  of  the  most  complex  of  all. 
We  find  ourselves  at  the  lioltom  of  the 
Rhine, among  nymphs  and  gnomes,  with 

"the  riv.-r  restlessly  streaming  from  i:. 

to  I ."  The  ditliculties  of  this  scene  are 
often  nobly  overcome,  though  I  once,  to 
my  gn-at  surprise,  detected  .l//«-rir,  who 
should  "spring  to  the  central  rock  and 
daintier  xxith  terrible  haste  to  its  sum- 
mit," furtively  ascending  through  the 
darkne-s  in  a  lift  ! 

In  \\'nlkiirc  xve  are  introduced  for  the 
lir-t  time  to  fi'miie.  the  horse  unless 
xve  haxe  already  made  his  acquaintance. 
as  may  often  IK-  done,  at  the  sla^. 

•  n  the  Ad-.     He  i-  alw.-ixs  a  - ve 

of  anxiety  on  the  stage;  in  ',',.»,  i;l,un- 
Hii-riiinj  he  may  refuse  to  come  out  of 
the  Ixiat.  or  put  his  font  through 
thing,  and  Itriinuliililr,  if  M!IC  be  in 
private  life  of  a  timid  disposition,  is  apt 
to  handle  him  in  a  gingcrlx  and  uncertain 
manner,  a-  if  he  wen-  an  cxpl 

With    the   close   of    the    Fir-t    Act    of 

aie    to    the    (  li 

Hitch  unl  the  i  'i.iting 

if  all    Wa-nerian    Hitch.  -       It   d< 
i   del.iiled    d,-~.  nplion.      The    U.ik    tells 
that    "during    the    second     \-r-e    of 


splits  in  half  fi  I  >ni,  falling 

asunder    with    a    loin)    in  >i-e."      1    once 
In-hind   the  scenes  at    l>resdcn,   made 
ation   of   the  mccli 


and 


though 

disc 

my  enjoy 
For  iioxx 
'.ition    am 


i 


of    t1  anvil, 

haxe  no  intention  of 

tii.it 

haxe   added  a  certain    •/• 
ment  of  the  scene  . 
I    sit     breathless    xxith 
excitement     while 
air.    is  shouting    out    the    seomd 
of  his  tn-mend  Anx 

thing    may    happen.      I  a    tin 

anvil    n-fn  ,k       I    haxe   seen    il 

on  the  other  Laud.  "  fall  asunder  xxith 
a  loud  noise"  while  the  suord  xxas 
still  poised  in  midair;  and  xxith  tin •-. 
Ixxo  painful  e|  thought  I  had 

exhausted  the  p.  s-ibditie-  of  the  Hitch. 
Hut  1  was  d. -lined  to  find  yet  a  third 
variant.  Only  the  other  day.  to  my 
unspeakable  satisfaction,  1  .-a\\  tin- 
aim!  break  the  sxvord. 

\\iili  Ad  II.  f(  >»•  -'ifi-ifl  xve  make 
the  a  -ipiaintance  of  that  ^n-al  l-'athi-r 
of  Hitches,  the  dragon  "the  worm 
that  xvill  not  turn."  Il  is  n.  .ill. 

t  i    dxvell    on    him.     All    the    world 


me 


knows  what  a  long  list  of  freaks  and 
failure-  lies  :,t  his  door.  Tin-  "\\.-od 
bird"  is  alxv  ivs  well  worth  wad 
Its  (light  is  erratic  and  dc;-epti\c  n<<t 
unlike  that  of  the  snipe  on  a  xvindy  dav. 
When  finally  1  think  of  the  '• 

there  alxvax  -  to   my 


• 
and    now    smite-    it    on   tin-   anx  il,  \x  hich 


mind,  like   the   memory   of  a    fe-tival,   a 
certain   chaotic-   ]>crtoriuaiiec    at    ( 
(iarden    ill    IS'.IS.      This  was   (  .....   of   tin- 
great    evenings   of   my    life.      It    is  only 
fair  to  .siiy  that  matt. 

now.  One  must  look  elsewhere  |,.r 
Hitches.  Hut  it  xxas  this  cycle  in  ''.IS 
which  first  induced  me  to  become  a 
coll.-etor,  for  then-  I  gained  a  nexx  ide  i 
of  the  possibilities  of  distortion,  riot,  and 
disorder  which  exist  in  the  later  inu-ie 
dramas.  The  clouds  hung  aUive  the 
scene  like  dank  slabs  of  cold  gr.ivx  ;  the 
funenil  march  xvas  |  .....  ctualed  by  the 
lu-tv  hammer  of  the  -lateral] 
U-hind  ;  tl  •  .-i-n  to 

sxxay,  and   the   very   rocks   rocked    upon 
their   IKISCH.     One   \\aid-d    in    ten 
tin-  hi  intinitely   com 

phcateil  at  the  |H->|  of   times      and    one's 

apprehensions  wen  lully  justified.    The 

roof  of  the  hall  collapsed  at  a  moment 
xvheii  n  .....  ic  expected  it  ;  seem-  shifters 
and  -•  uter.s  in  jnit  liats  and 

-liirt  sleevei  ran  in  Dlld  out  like  rabbits 
in  a  burrow.  NO|IM«  \  the  /,V,(»;;.'n'/./i" 
flc-d  in  terror  to  the  f.  ml  lights,  and  then- 
remained  sillLjillL;  I  the  end, 


ami,   as   a    finishing    touch,    dVum-,    the 
and     |  .  ]  I  inne  1    a    /MX 
.iiiiong  the  <li'lir'iK. 
I    have    only    indicated   a   fexv   of  the 


WV.NKII    Hitch.-s    I     have    km.xvn.      The 
careful  student  xvill    fiml   that   i  ••.  .  i  \   Act 


Jrxr:  5,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


403 


has  IN  own  latent  possibilities;  anil  as 
lie  cdines  In  know  them  better  lie  will 
have  some  share  in  the  pride  of  the 
Management  howbeit  in  his  case  tem- 
pered by  a  sneaking  and  unworthy 
disappointment  when  the  curtain  falls 
on  the  |ierl'orinance,  literally  "without  a 
Bitch." 


MEDITATIONS  ON  MARCUS. 

1  »i:u:  Mi:.  I'l  xcn.  Having  read  a  most 
ingenious  series  of  nine  articles  by  Mr. 

AI;NOI.I>  I'.KNNKTT  on  "How  to  Live  on 
Twenty-four  Hours  a  Day, "and  gleaning 
from  them  that  lie  recommends  one  to 
practise  concentration  during  the  spare 

moments  of  the  day  by  musing  vigorously 

on  MAKCI  s  Arthurs,  I  began  last  night 
by  studying  Book  V.  of  tbe  famous 
.Medilations. 

My  diary  of  to-day  reads:— 

7..">0.  Felt  very  sleepy  on  being 
awakened,  but  repeated  strenuously  to 
myself:  "When  you  are  drowsy  in  a 
morning,  and  (ind  a  reluctance  to  getting 
out  of  your  bed,  make  this  reflection 
with  yourself,  'I  must  rise  to  discharge 
the  duties  incumbent  on  me  as  a  man.' " 
Very  soothing. 

8.30.  Awakened  again.  Dressed  hur- 
riedly, still  meditating  ;  cut  myself  while 
shaving  and  tripped  over  the  cnt  on 
entering  the  breakfast-room.  But  re- 
membering the  words,  "Rest  satisfied 
with  whatever  befalls  you,  as  it  certainly 
tends  to  the  welfare  of  the  universe  and 
is  agreeable  to  the  will  and  pleasure  of 
Jupiter  himself,"  repeated  them  aloud  in 
place  of  my  usual  observation.  Thought 
them  a  little  lacking  in  vim,  however. 

9.30.  During  my  journey  in  the  train 
I  concentrated  on  that  noble  sentiment : 
"0  Jupiter,  send  us,  we  beseech  thee, 
send  us  rain  upon  nil  the  land."  Unfor- 
tunately left,  umbrella  in  the  train. 

10.30.  While  meditating  hard  on  my 
way  to  the  office  unluckily  skidded  in  a 
rain-puddle  and  was  impinged  on  by  a 
inotor-bns. 

Felt  a  little  sore  about  it,  but  repeated 
to  myself:  "Does  anyone  treat  me  in- 
juriously? Let  him  look  to  it!  Such 
is  his  peculiar  disposition,  and  he  acts 
accordingly.  For  my  part,  I  shall 
endeavour  to  be  such  as  the  nature  of 
things  requires  me  to  be;  and  act  suit- 
ably to  my  own  nature  and  present 
situation."  tSentiment  admirable,  but 
chilling. 

I.. 'in.  They  were  on  inordinately  long 
time  grilling  my  steak  at  lunch,  but 
I  remarked  to  the  waiter:  "I  am 
resolved  to  wait  wilh  complacency  till  I 
am  either  extinguished  or  translated  to 
another  stateof  existence."  He  replied  : 
"  Yes,  sir  ?  "  with  a  shade  of  doubt  in  his 
voice,  it  seemed  to  ir.e. 

2.30.  On  my  way  back  to  the  office  I 
accidentally  meditated  into  a  lamp-post. 


"  JOHNNY,  DOESN'T  YOUR  CONSCIENCE  TELL  vou  THAT  YOU  ARE  DOING  WKOXU  ?  " 
"  YES,  MOTHER,  BUT  FATHER  SAID  I  WASN'T  TO  BELIEVE  EVERYTHING  I  HEARD." 


The  lamp-post  was  fortunately  un- 
damaged, and  I  tried  to  comfort  myself 
with  the  sterling  sentiment :  "  That 
which  noways  injures  the  community 
cannot  injure  any  individual.  Under 
any  appearance  of  injury  to  yourself, 
apply  the  rule:  'If  the  community  is 
none  the  worse  for  it,  neither  am  I.'" 
Bought  a  new  hat. 

5.30.  On  my  way  home  unfortunately 
mused  on  to  a  banana  skin.  Meditated 
as  above  and  bought  another  hat. 

6.30.  By  the  greatest  good  fortune 
recovered  my  umbrella  at  the  Lost 
Property  Office.  Concentrated  in  the 
train  on :  "  Must  you  then  be  a  fool 
because  other  people  are? — Let  it  suffice 
that  you  formerly  have  been  so." 


7.30.  On  arriving  home  found  I  had 
left  my  umbrella  in  the  train  again  ! 

I  fear,  Mr.  Punch,  that  MARCUS  AURE- 
LIUS  is  in  some  way  not  quite  suitable 
for  present-clay  use,  or  that  I  have  failed 
to  carry  out  aright  Mr.  ARNOLD  BENNETT'S 
prescription.  What  do  you  advise? 
Yours,  etc., 

"  OTIUM  CUM  DIGNITATE." 

[Eo.—  Have  you  tried  a  keejier  ?J 


A  Sporting  Offer. 

"  THE  KING  and  QUEEN  of  SPAIN  have 
the  two  chief  ingredients  to  complete 
happiness,  viz.,  a  Baby  Jioy  and  a 
Genuine  Gramophone.  J.  G.  can  supply 
you  iclth  ihe,  same." — Liverpool  Express. 


M 


1'1'NCH.    n|'k   TIIK    LONDON    <  'II  MIIVARI. 


M,  V 


IN  A  NEW   NEIGHBOURHOOD. 

.In  oM  hilltiilf  ft,  ite  in  Siirrri/  ' 
tome  into  the  market  ha*  1-,-,-n  bought  by 
a  tpeeulatire  builder  who  it  yru 
rnrrtituj  artirtie  eottaget  and  bungalotce 
all  over  it.  each  trith  an  OOTt  or  ttro  of 
garden.      Some    of   theu-    are    already 
oetupied  by  Mr.  and  Mn.  Bonham 
by  Sir.  and    Mr*.    William    /fcw»e 
.Vi«*  Hilt  ami  Mi**   AVir,  by 
Itifft  and  by  Mi**  Itis. 

On  Ihf  htgher  edge  of  the  ettate  it  an 
M  i;,;iryiau  home,  oeeupi,-it  by  Mr.  and 
Mr*.  Courtly  Detct*.  trlw,  ir/ii/V  not  rich 
enough  to  acquire  the  property  a-jainxt 
the  tpeeulatire  buildrr.  <in-  i/<t  comfortably 
of,  and  although  resentful  of  (he  injury 
that  it  being  done  to  the  eonntrytide  are 
yet  toeially  inrlinni  mul  diiitoted  to  be 
friendly  tcith  tin  ir  n.-ir  m-iijIi'Mturt. 

The  folloifinij  letter*  are  ehoten  from 
a  large  number  reteired  or  irrifiVii  iliirimj 
the  patt  few  verlu  t>y  Mr.  ami  Mrs. 
Courtly  Dewet. 

i. 

.V.i  I-M  Croft. 

Miss  HITT  und  Miss  KK\V  p  re-cut  their 
compliments  to  Mrs.  (Vu  nil.v  I>KWI>  ami 
wood  be  very  grateful  if  i-li  •  would 
let  tin-in  purchase  vegetables  ami  milk 
during  the  two  weeks  they  arc  here. 
loiter  in  tin-  summer  they  will,  of  course, 
make  arrangements  to  acquire  these 
commodities  in  the  ordinary  way.  hut 
just  now  it  seems  hardly  worth  while  to 
•  •pen  negotiations  with  a  distant  trades- 
man when  Mrs.  Itewra  proUibly  has  more 
than  she  requires,  and  might  he  glad  of 
the  opfiort  unity  of  realising  upon  them. 
Miflsllirraii'l  Mi--  Ki.w  would,  of  course, 
send  a  mmnengci1  to  f.-t.-h  them. 

it 
(By  hand.)  The  Nook. 

DEAK  MB.  Dana  (may  I  say  DEWEB?)  - 
Happening  to  meet  your  man  in  the  lane 
to-day,  I  learned  from  him  quite  by 
chance  that  you  d..  not  u-e  all  your 
coach-house.  I  wonder  if  you  would 
mind  if  I  stood  my  motor  tlu-rc  for  a 
lilllc  while  until  ilx  own  house  is  n-.idy 
for  it.  I  ex|H-»-t  the  arrliii.t-t  every  day 
now,  and  tin-  pii  i-  ain-udy  Ix'gun.  It 
«ill  U-  very  HI  UK!  "f  you  if  you  will  let 
me  do  this,  and  I  -hall  U  only  |...  ile 
I  to  give  you  and  the  wife  a  run 
-  mday.  Thanking  you  in  an: 
lion,  I  am,  yours  very  sincerely. 

UoOKES. 


HI. 

(By  hand.)  Weall  1 

I>t.M:  Mil*.  C'..i  i;n 

ask  favours,  but  I  wonder  if  y,,u  would 
b0  so  very  kind  as  to  lend  me  your 
mowing  machine  f(Mr  a  little  w|,i|... 
The  gniM  i-  ludh  in  ne«-«l  of  culling. 
'""Kh  I  i  thnnigli  '/'/„ 

Exchange  nii'l  Mart   every   nuinl»-r   I  ,r 


I  hand 

:llnn  my  imvins.  If  your  man 
eiudd  i-i-an-  time  to  run  over  the  I  i\\n 
once  or  twice  ti>-l..  :  ••••  I  <  •<•• 

pruiuiw   y«u   he    u'>uM    not    go   riii|>ty 
•  •Id   mi  I.  • 
"f. 

rely, 

!>ix. 

IV. 

Or  -ft. 

Mrs.    |to|!KII\M   IK'  K     |.re-enl>  her  C.IIII 

|.linn  Dfewn  and  begs  to  know 

if  she  wouM   lend   her   a   few    l««ik>,   a- 
•fae  fhtdfl    that  lid   a    .-iniile  \ulun  • 

I  with  the  other   thing.-,  that  wen- 

II  \M    II  \'   k 
uling,  and  can 

--il.lv   .-li-ep   without   an    hour  or 

two  over  a  gotxl   \--\. 

lU'K  d.«.s   not   miiifl  what  it    is   so  long 

-  good.      She   has   read.  >lie  mi^lit 

Kiy,   all   Miss  ('OKI  i  it.     If  Mis.    I  h  \vi  ~ 

•  /  /yii'/f/ix  or  77i<-  U'iii;/ 

Mrs.  IViltOUM-II.V  K  w..uld  gladly  taki' 
them.  Mrs.  BOI:IM\M  ll\<  K  cannot  think 
for  the  moment  of  any  return  she  muld 
make  for  Mrs.  l>i  wis's  kindness  e\ci-|.t 
[•crimps  liy  offering  her  or  her  husband 
a  hot  bath  now  and  then,  as  Mrs.  llolii:- 
ll\M-H\cK  has  an  e\ci-llent  bath-room  at 
Orehard  Cnift,  :ind  in  such  old  h 
as  Mr.  and  Mrs.  1  IKWKS'S  there  is  often 
no  adequate  provision,  for  cleanliness. 
(Wait 


V. 

'./.'»/  /i-  //.in/  Croft. 

Mrs.  lloliKHAM-IIvK  pre-.-nts  her  coin- 
l>linu-nU  to  Mrs.  DKWKM  and  begs  t,, 
return  the  three  books  that  were  lent 
her,  none  of  which  is  quite  to  her  liking. 
The  Oriijin  of  ,S'/x'ci<'«  she  has  always 
particularly  objected  to.  Mrs.  KOKKIIVM- 
HAI  K  n-^n-t-  to  KIV  that  her  kith  is 
already  out  of  order. 

VI. 

'  Hy   ll-IIKl.)  Til,'    1  1  :'„!..-  1,'a.l. 

I  ':  MI  MRS.  I)>:WK.S,     Having  arranged 
for  a  large  jarty  for  this  week  end,  we 
havcju-t    heard   of  the  arrival    in  Kng 
land  of  my  hu.-dund's  youngest  brother, 
after  a  long  absence  in  British  (  'olumbia. 
and  naturally  we  want    to  we  him.     All 
our  rooms  are  however  more  than  lilli-d, 
and  I  wonder  if  you  would  In-  so  very 
kind  as  to  let  him  occupy  a  room  at  your 
house   to-night   and  tomorrow.      \ 
sure  you   must    have    many    \ 
nxXDS    than   you    u-e     judging    by    the 
nuuiU-r   of   windou 
kind  rej.ly.  N  -lie\e  me 

ly. 

Ml. 

•md  Mrs.  PEBia-l;  t  the 

plenaui  of  Mr.  ami  Mr-.  ('..11:111 
DBWB*'  in  in)'  any  at  a  Itridu:' 

How  lloii.se  on  Sunday  evening 
. 


VIII. 

T"  Mi  .«»r.».  /.• 

ntx. 

.  if  y. u  can 
lind  me  n  tenant  or  purcha-er  of  my 

\\  e  are  in- 
tending to  mi.  •  .(iiieter  neigh- 
Unirl  Vours  faithfully, 

I'l  \VE8, 

A    MONUMENTAL    MEMOIR. 

THE  welcome   announcement   has  bi-en 
made  in  the  I'ress  that  a  |>crsonal  friend 
of  Mr.  Ali.l  usos  A-HI..N'-  ha-,  undertaken 
tow  rile  a  biography  of  the  fammi-  in 
lixiphil.      It  i.s  with  gre;it   j.l- 
that    Mr.    /'in/.-.'/    n  ••     his 

-  the  following  outline  of   the  tir-t 
\olunie    of    the    work,   which 
supplied   him    by   a   trustworthy   . 
pondent  at  <  >li 

I'M.-I  1.      liirlh.      Pisj.1  i.irth- 

place.     Iliiry.  I'ury  Si.  Kdmunds,  Aigues- 

.  1  •urhaiii.  Tomb-!  \ri/..' 

all  contend  for  the  honour.  Karly 
musical  precocity:  fondness  for  the 
black  notes  on  the  piano;  in.-i- 

piitting  a  te  on  his  toy  violin.      l'i-a> 

IronselTect  of  tirst  \  isit  to  the  pantomime. 
Makes  a  collect ionof  death's-head  moths. 
First  appearance  in  public.  1'lay.-.  the 
"  l''iuii-rnl  Mari-li  i>  f  ii  Miiriniii •".  "  and 
sings  "  The  Ik'uth  <>]  .\r 

lllii«li-iitioii!<.  \\ati-rei.loiir  drawing 
of  Mr.  Asnios's  lirst  perambulator  Im.-d 
with  high  C  springs.  Speeimens  of  Mr. 
A~Mio\'s  handwriting  from  early  e"py- 
Uiok.  1'hotograph  of  the 
LifeM/e  jiietnre  of  a  death's-head  moth 
from  Mr.  A-nios's  oollaction.  (iround 
plan  and  front  elevation  of  the  Mi-morial 
Hall. 

TAUT   II.       School-days  at    Hig' 
Happy    half-holidays    at    the    ceim-tery. 
Iteginning  of   lifelong    friend.-hip   with 
Mr.  H\M-IN  ('..IMS.      Fir-t  cigan-tte  and 
i'-nce.s.     Composes  an    l-'.legy 
and  a  Jhinxe  Mdcabir.     Colle. 
stamps     and      pen  nib,-.         I  'eatli 
favourite    guinea  pig.      Composes 

ijuiein.    Rebukes  a  frivolous  schoolfellow 

for  whistling  out  of  tune.      Kims  a  dead- 

;ii   the  s;iek  ra. 

Comiuended  by  he:idma-tiT  at   I'ri/.     I 'ay 
for  irrcprnu  liable  dei-orum.  t  id  inc.-.-  and 
kindness  toanimals.    Coiitrihu 
under      ]i-eildoliym     of      "  AI:I  -  hTii  vsi  s 

.ll   \|o|t"  |.,  (he  ///';///;,  ^pends 

holiilaxs   at    Woking.      Kondne->  for  the 
le— mis    in   the 

lapidary  slv  le  from  a  monumental  i 
in  the  Kn>ton  I; 

///"  1'orlrait  of   Mr.  Il\\|.|  \ 

in  an    F.ton  jacket.      Fac-imile  of 
nin^  bar-  of  li'ei|uiem  on  favourite- 
guinea  pi^'.       Photograph   oi 
duceil  vvorn    by    Mr.  A-in.'N  at 

school  atldelic  SIKH-IS.  I'lioto-rapll  of 
the  I 


.li  RE  r>,  P.K'7.! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


405 


TOOLING    DOWN    TO    EPSOM. 

<'ii<i<-)iy  (to  sportsman  trith  shoe-clicking  trotter).  "  'L'LLO,  'AMMEU-AND-PINCERS  !  " 
Sporlnman  with  trotter.  "  "Ui.LO,  SCHF,«'-DRIVER  !  " 


PART.  III.-  Student  days  at  Leipsic. 
Mr.  ASBTON'S  initiation  in  the  mysteries 
of  the  Knc'ip'.  Wit  encounters  with 
prominent  professors.  A  series  of  duels 
(1)  with  Professor  PAPPERITZ  for  statins 
that  Lager  Bier  was  superior  to  mild 
Burton ;  (-)  with  Professor  JADASSOIIX 
for  sneering  at  SHAKSPEARE ;  (3)  with 
Professor  TWAN  Kxoitu  for  speaking 
disrespectfully  of  CHEOPS;  (4)  with  Pro- 
fessor (Venus  for  disputing  Mr.  Asmox's 
claim  to  be  included  in  the  Ruvigny 
Roll  as  a  descendant  of  King  EitwAim  II  I. 
As  the  result,  of  his  prowess  is  called 
"The  Ever-Victorious  Algernon."  Com- 
7(i  solids,  fj  sonatos,  14  quintets, 
and  3-">  funeral  marches. 

Illustrations.  —  Photograph  of  Mr. 
A-iiios  in  full  duelling  kit.  Portraits 
of  his  principal  antagonists,  showing  the 
M-arityin;;  elVects  of  Mr.  ASHTON'S  swords- 
mansliip.  Facsimile  of  memorial  tablet 
erected  to  a  Croatian  student  with  an 
unpronounceable  nan:e  who  was  slain 
liy  Mr.  ASIITOX  in  a  combat  fought 
with  the  legs  of  a  grand  piano  in  the 
Gcwandhaiis. 

Purr  IV. — Mr.  AsinoVs  return  to 
England.  Bonfires  at  Kensal  (liven, 
.loins  the  stall'  of  the  Royal  College  of 
Mu.-ic  lo  correct  the  notorious  levity  rl 
the  Director.  Composes  190  variations 
on  "  /»  i//(c.s7i(  /.  mini,"  and  340  on 


"  Down  among  the  Dead  Men."  Inaugu- 
rates weekly  pilgrimages  of  favourite 
pupils  to  the  leading  cemeteries  of  the 
Metropolis.  Invited  by  The  Times  to 
undertake  the  supreme  control  of  the 
Obituary  department,  but  resolves  to 
remain  a  free-lance.  Cirief  of  Mr.  MOIIEKI.Y 
BEIJ,  and  Mr.  ARTHUR.  WALTER,  who  in 
their  despair  decide  on  the  Americani- 
sation  of  Printing  House  Square. 

Illustrations.  —  Photograph  of  the 
Director  of  the  Royal  College  of  Music 
promising  Mr.  AsHTOX  to  endeavour  to 
take  life  more  seriously.  Three-colour 
print  of  Mr.  MOHEUI.Y  BELL.  Water- 
colour  sketch  of  the  pinetum  at  Pear- 
wood,  with  Mr.  Airmi  if  WALTER  in  the 
foreground  talking  to  Mr.  HOOPER. 


Eow  It  it  Done 

"  Exceedingly  interesting  are  the 
observations  of  Sir  John  Macdonell,  who 
has  edited  the  civil  judicial  statistics 
of  Kngland  and  Wales  for  I'.IO.j.  He 
has  analysed  the  dry  figures  of  litigation 
with  shrewd  insight,  and  has  brought 

out    their    human    significance 

Commenting  on  the  divorce  petitions, 
752  in  l'.t(C),  compared  with  8S!I  in 
1902,  Sir  John  points  out  that  a  large 
proportion  of  the  persons  had  been 
previously  married."—  ]>nil>/  \cics. 


Cricket  Nete?. 

GROVE  WESLEY  are  greatly  interested 
in  the  various  new  methods  of  scoring 
which  have  been  proposed.  At  present 
they  stand  at  the  bottom  of  the  Smeth- 
wick  and  District  Cricket  League  with 
(according  to  the  Oldbury  Weekly  News) 
the  following  record  : — 

Planed.     Won.     Lost.     Drawn.     Pis. 
30400 

This,  as  Mr.  J.  B.  PAYNE  would  not 
hesitate  to  point  out  to  the  Sportsman, 
gives  them  a  minus  percentage  of 
133'333,  etc.,  the  actual  number  of  3's 
being  optional  after  the  decimal  point, 
but.  the  glaring  anomaly  of  it  being 
patent  to  everybody.  We  await  a  pro- 
nouncement by  "  Linesman  "  or  Major 
TREVOR  on  the  subject. 

Fashion  Note*. 
WOADS   FOR   WOMEK. 

"  WEATHER  conditions  were  delightful 
at  Epsom  yesterday.  Dress  is  never  a 
feat  nre  of  this  meeting.  Lady—  -was 
in  dark  blue."—  Society  Notes. 

FROM  the  letter  of  a  clerk  to  his 
employer :  "  I  have  been  very  .bilious 
all  night  and  it  has  left  me  with  a 
frightful  bad  head.  I  hope  to  shake 
it  off  to-dav." 


;  • 


T!   V  ||.    n|;    THK 


(  'HA  III  \  A  1M. 


1907. 


A   WARM    CORNER    IN    BOHEMIA. 

THE  DAILY  PREW  WEAK  or  TOE  CALAMITIES  EXPERIENCE  or  BOHEMIA,  WHERE,  AOCORDIXU  TO  THK  REPORT  or  THE  FORESTRY  DEPARTMENT, 

THE  MmCKMitX    Or    THK    UCH     LICENCE     REiil'LATInNS   I'KnlHYKM    THK     >i>I.I.<>WIMi     STATISTICS:   -  ,r>0    PERSONS    KILLED,    ',V)\  I     »"IM"EI>; 

AjtiMALS  KILLED;  WHILE  THE  TUTAI.  HEAD  or  OAME  AC-IUA-TKH  KOR  MNI.Y  IIKICHKH  1M  1  ! 


TUF.  CI;Y  OF  THK  urssiAX  CHILDREN. 

MB.  PCXCH  lius  Kreat  pleasure  in  anmmncin;,'  that  dona- 
tions received  mi  U-half  of  the  starving  children  of  Samara, 
RiiMia,  now  amount  to  over  £7(W.  Of  this  sum  C"i<H)  lias  Ixvn 
alnwiy  (lf»p:itdio<l  toMincowand  gratefully  :u-knn\vlctl^f«l  in 
:i  |I-|«%T.IIII  fnun  I'rino-  Lv'KK.  It  will  !«•  at  once  forwardi-il 
In  the  famine  ili-triii-.  A  li-lter  of  the  IC.ili  May  has  n-.ichiHl 
Mr.  1'uiifli  from  I>r.  KKSSIHH  in  »Sainura,  who  KJIVH,  "  I  have 
Uxlay  n-tunittl  fnuu  another  village  tour  ainiiUt  the  i 
appalling  inwery,  hut  I  am  delighted  to  I'm. I  a  1-tier  from 
Kii^l-ni'l  th  it  BtaU-fl  that  you  have  .1.--  .|.-.|  to  ,.],.-n  a 
'  I'unrli  '  fund.  \Vr  Khali  take  immiHliate  stcpK  to  Ite  in 
re:idinesH  for  the  oj>en'm«  of  the  fip*t  '  1'iinrli  '  kitehen  in  the 
nxp-t  ni-t^ly  c|-it." 

Mr.  1'nnrli  nuike«  a  very  earneBt  appeal   to  the  «en 
.ind  loyalty  of   hi-  ;!•!.•  him  tc,  M-inI  <nil  at 

anot'  '   and   to  help,  however   inadequately,  to   |. 

lbew>  pitifid  nuff<  ritiR.-i  for  which  our  own  eoimtry  h;is  haj.pilv 
no  parallel. 

An  inset  which  accompanies  thin  iiwui>  of  l',,,,rl,   •, 
list  of    tiiiitriliiit.irs   up   to   May    l".Mh.      'I',,  all- of   th.-e   .Ur. 
I'un  offer  )ii~  ivre  thank-*  for  their  ^ 

further   n-pn  du  «•  .1    'eti.-r   from    1: 

l.M-ir.  in    wliieh  ^I.-'KCS   the    first    in-t.ilmeiit   of 

the  /'iui,-/i  fund  for  the  <  hiM 


A  MASTER  OF  HORSE  AND  HOUNK 

TnF.ItK  IM-  two  Al:\lorus  just  now  in  the  field,  lie  of 
ChkagO  is  alKiiit  to  exliiliit  his  horsi-s  in  the  arena  of 
Olyinpia,  and  /'ini(-//'.s'  Mr.  AliMoi  i;  is  already  exliiliitini;  lii- 
011  the  walls  of  the  Ix-icester  (  lalleries.  I.ei,  laiv. 

Mr.    (!.    1  >.    ARMOUR'S     achievement     in     lilack-and  while'     i- 
familiar  enough  in  tlii-se  pa^tw  ;   '"Ml    tin- charm  anil  delicacy 
of  his  colour-ivork    should    IK-   more   widely   known.      Since 
IlKiicivii    no    ]>ainti>r  has    ln-lter    understood   the   u 
horw-llif.li.      And    Mr.   AIIMOI  it,   like   the   true   sport-man    he 
is.  has  a   ke -n  eyi-  for  country.     Hut    In-  l.n:n>   to   his  work 
ihiii},'   more   than    knowledge  liased   OO  ODBenration ;    his 
i  pictures  have  a  quality  of   romani-e  which  imi>l   always  make 
appeal  l>e.ond  t|,(-  limi'i-l  circle  of  the  lirotlii-rho  .  I  of  8] 


1 1  i-  a  sail  fact  that  many  |ieople  in  their  search  for  humorous 
H'.iilin«  overlook  the  ollicial  "  Navy  l.isl"  altogether.  'I'lo-. 
must  not  I,,  ,  fault,  for  lie  ha>  now 

for    man;  '.irt'-d   olT  wit!.  ileul   joke  on    the 

first pa^e available     \i/..  the  inside  cover.     Hen- h- 

"  oHicers   and  olhei 

(•oiiiiiiiinieati-  with  the    Kditor  at  the   . \dmiralty.  marking  the 


nlv  IM  ..f  |  vas  a    .Ir.i" 

ll  mu^t  I  I  a  lot 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAKIVAKF.     JIM:  ">,  1907. 


THE    INDIAN    SECRETARY    BIRD. 

Mn.  MOBLEY  ruts  HIS  FOOT  ON  SEDITION  IN  INDIA. 


Jr.vK  5,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


409 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

I'.XTIIUTKh   KIliiM   TIIK    DlAllY  OF  TVlY,  M.P. 

llnnnf  nj   ('iiniiiiiiiix,  Mmiiliii/,  MIII/ 27. 

Hem-lies  crowded  iii  anticipation  <>!' 
announcement  !>>('.  B.  of  intention  witb 
respect  to  Irisli  Council  Hill  that  hap- 
less infant  of  legislative  effort,  which, 

Called  limn-  I iy  ciirly  doom, 
Ciiini'  but  to  slimv  how  frail  a  flower 
la  Birrt'll  hunt  might  bloom. 

Enquiry  not  absolutely  confined  to  this 
topic.  The  spirit  of  interrogation  abroad . 
What  aliout  the  Knglish  Valuation  Hill, 
the  Education  Hill,  the  Licensing  Bill, 
and  the  resolutions  respecting  the  House 
of  Lords  ?  ?  ?  ? 

Hush  fell  on  assembly  when  C.-B.  rose 
to  the  first  challenge.  Glancing  weather 
eye  casually  over  question  paper,  he 
begged  that  the  whole  batch  might  be 
put  off  for  a  week. 

House  gasped  with  astonishment. 
The  Irish  Bill  was  done  to  death  last 
Tuesday.  Why  postpone  wake  till  next 
Monday?  After  embarrassing  pause, 
WALTER  LONG,  in  absence  of  PRINCE 
ARTHUR,  urged  PREMIER  to  satisfy  public 
interest  at  least  with  respect  to  the  fate 
of  this  one  Bill.  Ordinarily  found  ready 
to  oblige,  C.-B.  was  inflexible. 

"It  is,"  he  remarked,  "an  invidious 
thing  to  pick  and  choose."  Not  disposed 
to  hurt  sensibilities  of  the  Licensing  Bill, 
or  to  ruffle  amour  propre  of  the  Education 
(Special  Religious  Instruction)  Bill,  by 
singling  out  the  Irisli  Council  Bill  for 
special  reference. 

"  I  '11  do  ellythil  you  like  in  reasol, 
M'RIAU  ;  but  I  will  not  come 
"ome." 

Thus,  in  one  of  PHIL  MAY'S 
sketches,  a  festive  Saturday 
night  bread-winner  reasons 
with  his  remonstrant  spouse 
who  has  run  him  to  earth.  In 
the  same  considerate,  accom- 
modating, yet  firm  manner, 
C.-B.  replies  to  WALTER  LONG. 

"  Anything  you  like  in 
reason.  But  when  you  ask 
me  to  disclose  before  Monday 
next  our  intention  with  re- 
spect to  Irish  Bill  killed  on 
Tuesday  last,  I  really  can't 
do  it." 

Loyal  Ministerialists  mur- 
mured applause  at  the  lofty 
principle  governing  this  re- 
ticence. Opposition  bitterly 
laughed. 

This  was  first  disappoint- 
ment. Not  having  got  along 
very  well  with  Bills  hitherto 
introduced,  Ministers  resolved 
to  bring  in  one  other,  making 
compulsory  transfer  of  land 
from  big  estates  to  small 
holders.  LOITLOU  in  charge. 


"SMALL  HOLDINGS." — GREAT  WRESTLING  MATCH. 

J-sse  C-ll-ngs  comes  to  grips  with 
Mr.  "  Loulou  "  H-rc-rt. 

Apart  from  interest  excited  by  such  a 
measure,  Members  curious  to  see  how 
our  youngest  Cabinet  Minister  would 
acquit  himself  in  his  first  big  job.  In 
ordinary  course  he  would  have  been  on 


LA  JOIE  DE  VIVUE. 
Winston  in  full  swing  at  Question  Time. 


his  legs  by  three  o'clock  in  afternoon. 
Scotch  Hill  perversely  put  in  forefront. 
II  1 1  -e  emptied.  I /ill  I  lies,  Terrace,  a  ml  Tea 
IIiKini  filled  by  Members  hanging  about 
wailing  for  I/iu/uj's opport unity.  l>idn't 
come  till  twenty  minutes  past  six,  by 
which  time  many  had  gone  off  and  all 
were  aweary.  In  these  disadvantageous 
circumstances  I/itixn:  acquitted  himself 
admirably.  His  statement  of  intricate 
;  case  was  delivered  with  unfailing 
lucidity. 

Has  given  himself  up  to  new  task 
with  characteristic  thoroughness.  Tells 
me  he  thinks  of  substituting  for  HAH- 
cornT  family  motto  the  legend  "Small 
Holdings  and  Quick  Returns — to  the 
Land." 

Business  done. — English  Small  Hold- 
ings Bill  read  a  first  time. 

Tuesday  niyht. — "  Attendance  of  Mem- 

i  bers,  and  keenness  of  interest  displayed 

in  our  proceedings,  are  often  in  inverse 

ratio  to  the  importance  of  the  business 

in  hand." 

'Twas  the  voice  of  the  MEMBER  FOR 
SANK.  I  knew  he  'd  complain  when  he 
came  in  and  l<x>ked  round  on  half-empty 
benches  and  listened  to  the  level  flow  of 
talk. 

In  Committee  on  N.  B.  HAI.IUNE'S  far- 
reaching  scheme  of  Army  Reform.     Not 
more  than  thirty  Members  present.     By- 
and-by,   when   bell   rings   for   division, 
some  three  hundred  will  rush  in,  and 
Ministers  will  have  rattling  majorities  of 
three  to  one.      Ordinary  business    folk 
would  manage  these  things  differently. 
As  at    Company    Meetings   half-yearly 
reports    are  "taken  as  read,"  so   these 
divisions  would  be  taken  as 
walked,  and    an    appreciable 
period  of  time  saved. 

Particular  question  under 
discussion  is  the  name  to  be 
assigned  to  His  Majesty's 
Military  Forces  other  than  the 
Regulars.  At  present,  at  City 
Banquets  and  elsewhere,  they 
are  known  as  the  Militia, 
Yeomanry,  and  Volunteers. 
The  Hill  leaves  their  new  style 
a  blank.  > 

"IxMive  it  to  me,"  said 
NAPOLEON  B.  "  First  get  your 
Bill,  then  organise  the  terri- 
torial forces.  I  mean  to  take 
the  business  into  my  own 
hands,  and  a  suitable  name 
will  not  be  lacking." 

(iiLiiKitr  PARKER  throws  out 
suggestion  of  "  Terriers." 
Why  not?  We  hear  of  sea- 
dogs  in  the  Navy.  Another 
suggestion  offered  was  "  Hal- 
danes."  N.  B.,  blushing. 
shakes  his  head.  Compli- 
mentary, but  unthinkable. 
Besides,  this  association  of  a 
great  administrative  effort 


410 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Jon  :..  1907. 


"  F.   E."  0»  TU« 

(Mr.  F.  E.  8m-th  goes  for  Mr  H-l.l  i:r  i 

with  the  personality  of  a  Minister 
ominously  reminiscent  of  the  Hmdrirk 
Cap.  masterp'nve  of  ;m  earlier  adininis- 
tr.ition.  In  the  end  tin-  throe  hundred 
sound  Ministerialists  an-  summoned  l.y 
rlang  of  licll.  and  IIII.KK'S  amendment, 
on  which  controversy  an  we.  is  negatived. 

Nine  out  of  ten  who  |>assed  through 
l>i\ision  I>'M.y  ilon't  know  what  is 
question  at  issue.  Hut  the  Whips  were 
at  tin-  I»l>l-y  di.irs  and  tlif  way  made 
c -li-.ir.  At  l'».:il)  P.M.  guillotine  ill 
in  and  scon*  of  aiuenilinents  chopped  o!T. 

Thus  are  laws  sha|x-d   l.y  the  hearth 
of  the  Mother  of  Parliaments. 

lluftiirtt  dour.     (.'tuiRiiler.it ion  of  new 
Army  scheme. 

•nriulay   night.       Colonel   KK\\O\- 
f,  of  wlioin  we  don't  hear  so  iniieli 
as  happier  Memlx-rs  of  the  last   1'arlia- 
iiionl  were  privileged   to  <!<>,  turned  up 
•.(•Iling  with    cpiile    new  method  of 
Parliamentary     deUite.       House     again 
considering  the  financial  re  olulions  pro 
\iding  for^lie  cof*t  of  the  Army  Scheme. 
I»iikK.  who  turnH  out    to   lie  iU  most 
fonuiilalile   crit  ihe    figure*   set 

forth  an-  aliiM^t  too  good  I"  'H'  'rue. 
••  Tin-  .  lie  a'lde.l.  "  n-ads  like  a 

pn»i-  '         ii  1:1  v.H.  ilniw- 

iiiK  ui«>n  lon^  City  >  •unily 

rciii.irked.  "  It  will  if.  illotluent." 

llen-il|H.|l      KKXV«.  toolt    the 

fieKl.  Coiifttwol  liini'M-lf  ].ii//le.l  with 
regard  i<>  c«Ttaiii  deteik  I  •  i  — «1  to 

STATE  FOR  WAR. 

'•led,  in   insinuating 

tones,    "the   right    1  '••nan    will 

te  dii-M-nt  or  a^.-ent   l.y  a  motion 
of  the  Infill." 
The  idea  plenacd  the  House,  always 


ready   for  a   fre-h    Kame.     It  would   l«e 
iamentary  to  brin^downa  counter 

-eliiMani-e  "f   il f    Hi 

!  out  in  toy  fashion  with 
jointed  1m. U  controlled  l.y  a 
Mrin^'.  Von  pull  the  string  and  the 
ri^'ht  lion,  gentleman  throws  out  a  loose 
,  pair  of  jointle^s  arms. 
Colonel  SIVNM'-  little  ^.ame  more  man 
nerly  and  eipially  elT.-ctive.  rnilneinir 
pile  of  manuscript,  he  ni-ited  a  ipu-lion; 
tixinj;  liis  eye  on  the  Implies  .Mini>|.T 
awaited  reply.  After  pause  the  n 
head  of  N.  I!.  II.  nodded  assent. 

"  Verv  well,"  s;iid  the  gallant  Colonel. 
"Now  1  will  ask  the  ri^'ht  lion.  j;cntlc- 
inan  to  explain  why 

Here    the    SrK\M.i:    inler|Mi>ed    with 
reminder  that  this  \\a-  a  tin.e  for  -; 
making,      not      for     cro->  examination. 

KKMovSlAM.Y    of    (iilir.-M-     IxiWIll     to    the 

ruliiiK-  Nevertheli'.-s  jinnx-tNlnl  to  ad- 
minister his  Shorter ('alivjpisiii.  N.  H.  H  . 
uppanMitly  falling  into  a  condition 
approaching  hypnotic  trance,  alternately 
shook  his  head  and  nodded  assent.  Per- 
formance inii;ht  have  ^one  on  for  R 
Sitting  had  not  SrKVKK.lt  a^ain  inter- 
vened, and  with  in<  •.  eritv  pro- 
lestiil  against  "this  new  form  of  del.ate," 
which  forthwith  resumed  more  ordinary 
course. 

Itiifiiiens  done.—  Got  into  Committee 
on  Armv  Bill. 


R-B»I/-SD-LC  "  IIF.AB.-i 


.. 


"liar 

All  tin-  Mue-blooded  »r»  o  •  i  '  " 

(Ixor<!  l:  '•'•'-  -l-lc  rwlgn*  lux  of 
•ocomit  of  the  more  or  lew  imminent 
trri.il  action  ngniuot  the  Lonb.) 


I.M.iir  (' 
(Major  An8»r-th-r-(!r-y.) 

iiii/lil.         Conference      this 
•  in  of  Ministerialist^  interested  in 
Ldiualii'ii    ijiiestion.       Want     to     know 
when  (  io\el  liment   |  mi  et   "  the 

^n.winy  anxiety  of  it-  NoQCaaJonnMf 
supporter--  as  t"  pro-p.-i-t>  ..f  l''.di:cational 
Keformy"  The  I'IIIMK  MIM-III:.  can-- 
fully holding  out  I'iiil  pot  lilliil  to  l.rim. 
demonstrates  dilliciiltv  o[  ^ettini,'  a  full 
ipiart  into  it. 

"  Then,"  said  that  inej  .ro.-il.le  joker. 
Sir  (Ji:oi:..:  NIUM-.  Hart.,  "you  should 
have  U-en  morr  careful  at  the  beginning 
in  -electing  your  pints  of  prefen  : 

Meanwhile'    Nonconformist!  and 

Churchmen  alike  cheri.-h  AVA'S  | 
against  the  insufficiency  »f  his  suct-essor 

at    the    Kducation    Hoard.      S|eakr 
Mi  KKSXV'S    statement    with 
secondary  sch(«>ls.  Sir  Wlll.HM  said  :   "  I 
have   li>tened   with   satisfaction    t. 
of  the  remarks  made   l.y  the  ri^-lit  lion. 
Gentleman,    and    I    have    listened    with 
consiileral.le    ilisappoinlnient    to    tilings 
which  I  expected  to  hear  lint  which  were 
not  Raid." 

That  l>eats  Rinagli.-r.  Nearest  ap- 
proach was  Mr.  I  !H.M'.-  supplementary 
i|nestioii.  addressed  to  \V  .Mill:  b'M.  in 
tin'  last  Parliament 

"  Ari-ing  out  of  the  answer  the  light 
hon.  (ientleinan  has  not  given,  I  Leg  to 
nsk,"  Ac. 

•N-otch  voli-s  in  (  '0111- 

Illillee.  _ 

Ihc  Government  Agi.i.i. 

•  u\  c|in  i'i-iii.ii.1    s.  uli  .....  lini.l 

la  gnndeur  britanninue  >m  ••  utojii'M 

i     II'    rl'liiull  .I:n-Ii.  'Mil    ilclir  ;n  j'l  :nl'lilli 

•  (//••    A  in./  i'l     !••    //•• 

,.l,  ili-lilaiit  i-:.-nitr  ilr\....t  li-  ilni|i-;iu  " 
Ini  ill    I'nrif. 

Mr.     COIIIIKIT    might    ask    a 
alioiit  this. 


More  Critket  Prophecy. 

"!K   the  tir-t    two  or  three  get  runs, 

•:al     may     reiuli    nn\  thing." 

'Vanity. 


, 
The 


JUNE  5,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


411 


THE    PLEASURES   OF   OTTER    HUNTING. 

Mas:er  (in  »pnrl*man,  ichj  lias  been  gsuirdinj  a  "  s'lMe  "  all  m  >rninj  in  the  east  uirvJ).  "  STAY  THERE  A  BIT,  WILL  YOU,  OLD  CIIAI-.     WE  'RE 

Jl>T  GOINO   DOWX   I1EKE  TO   OF.T   O.T   OK   THE    WIND   F(IR   LUNCH." 


A  CHIVALROUS  SUGGESTION. 

[Tli?  pillorying  of  the  gentle  sox  by  members  of  it  still  goes  m?n\ 
u  in  tli-j  Six|x>nny  1'rcss.J 

Dorothy,  ])jr,>thy!  born  to  perplex, 

Capl'icidc,  n-ln-filli',  confuse  and  deliyht, 

(! nili' fill  fur  i/nii  I  bow  down  to  your  sex, 
I'xirrniij  tin1  Ki-ori-  Hi-  hn>  traitors  who  write 
Newspaper  articles  chock-full  of  sf>ite! 

Tliis  week  from  three  ladies,  for  instance,  I  learn 
You  "  haven't  a  '  palate,'  "  and  cannot  discern 

Good  butter  1'i-oni  bud     and  you're  vulgarly  clud — 
And,  single  or  not,  you  '11  lia  and  you  '11  plot, 
Having  marked  down  a  suitable  maid  and  a  man, 
To  bring  oil'  a  match  if  you  possibly  can  ! 

Which  summed  up  succinctly  is,  yon  are  debased, 
And  wholly  deficient  in  manners  and  taste  ! 

Dorothy,  Dorothy  !  in  il  nil  true  .' 

Are  your  i-l/iiln-K  i-iilij.ir  nml  do  you  tell  crams? 

Do  you  cut  fijij.i  that  n iv  n«t  n'ri/  ni'ir  V 
Are  tr.inii'ii  nnlli'imj  lint  hnrr'ililf  xlituns 
Man-catiiiij  irWivs  in  tin-  ijitifn<  of  ewe-lambs? 

0,  why  do  your  sisters  belabour  you  thus  ; 
And  why  don't  they  turn  their  attention  to  us? 


Just  think  of  the  strings  of  impertinent  things 
These  ladies  conM  pen  of  us  infamous  men, 
If  only  they  'd  give  yon  a  well-deserved  rest, 
And  fall  upon  us  with  a  furious  zest, 

Exactly,  my  love,  as  they  fell  upon  you — 
And  saddle  us  all  with  the  sins  of  a  few  ! 


THOUGH  to  outward  appearances  the  Chamberlain!  tea  and 
the  BeJfourites  are  now  lying  down  together,  yet  their 
respective  organs,  The  Stnnlnr.l  and  The  Telegraph,  are 
hopelessly  at  variance  on  one  of  the  most  important  events 
of  the  day.  Take  these  two  extracts  :  — 


"In  t!iis  extremity  an  lion. 
incailier,  seated  near,  pus'ied  a 
liut  into  Mr.  K.vwuxsnx's  haaila. 
Mr.  I!A\VI.INSON  put  on  the  hat 
ainiil  loud  Jaujj'iter,  for  it  was 
some  sixes  too  Kinal  I.  It  was  with 
some  difficulty  that  Mr.  UAWI.INSOX 
halanrf  1  it  ii|Min  liis  \u-.til  while 
lii>  put  hisquestioa  to  Mr.  KMMOTT." 


"Sir  ARTHUR  BIGNOLD  (LT.,  Wick 
Burghs),  however,  made  liiaapi  i-ar- 
ance  at  this  moment,  and  ]i;is-cd 
his  hat  to  the  member  for  Cam- 
bridge  University.  Jt  was  several 
si/es  too  large,  and  the  amuse- 
ment  was  heightened  when  it 
drop|iei  over  llr.  UAHI.IXMOX'M 
ears."—  S'andard. 


But,  of  course,  this  sort  of  thing  depends  so  entirely  upon 
;he  point  of  view  you  take. 


II:.' 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   LONDON   CIIAIMV.MM. 


[Jon  5, 


A    CONFIRMED    HUSBAND. 

Tm:  |>Iatiiiiii-  marriage 

tin-  middle-aged  guardian  who  turns 
•  which  in<  play 

goer  would  dare  to  l-ring  the  extreme 
charge  of  non-It y.  Hut  in  .«./  Hi/.. 
the  new  adaptation  at  tin-  lla\  market. 
then  i>  BO  natuml  a  gaiety  in  the 


A  ('<>U»UL  MWH'MCESTAM 
rrr'iiuiuarir«  of  llie  Duel— Krenrli  ami 

KiiKli-.li  ntyliv 

Baron  C.ranrl*      ...  Mr.  II    l>i  I  « 
tlrntld  Krrntriijh  ...  Mr.  Al'BkKV  SMITH. 

MI-.  .iii.l  si i  d.  lijilful  a  fn--hne.-s 
in  tin-  .11  ting,  that  tin-  h'urii-t  <if  pedant- 
should  In-  ea-ily  disarmed.  We  had  tu 
swallow  a  rather  large  impr»l>al>ility  at 
the  beginning  I  fur  it  is  unusual  to  be- 
queath half  a  million,  even  of  fr.uu 
girl  <>n  condition  that  -he  marries  In-fore 
•he  18  eighteen)  ami  some  rather  smaller 
ones  towards  the  end  'for  instami-,  it  is 
hard  to  U-lieve  that  ill  a  man.  iL'i  hi- 
i -.in  all  lra\«-l  l>y  the 

same  night  e\|.n~»s  fn>m  tin-  Swiss  fron- 
tii-r  in  Kngland  ami  esx-ai*-  on.-  another's 
•  ul  for  tin-  n-t.  though  the 
play  hnvi-nil  on  tin-  li  >rdcrland  of  farce 
antl  thn-atciii-d  more  than  once  to  ernes 
tin-  line,  it  always  managed  to  k 
least  one  !<*•<  on  the  li^ht  itiii:i-  l\  .side. 

All   old    friends  were  well   suited  with 
their    n'Jr*.      That    sterling    ai-tor,    Mr. 
AlBRKy    SMITH,  played    a   chan.  t.  r   l.v- 
DOndenMH   than    usual,  and  was  allowed 
liis  fair  share  of  humour.     Mr.  MvrnDCWH, 
still  confined    to  the  limited    -|  i 
which    hi-    has    made    Ion.-.  If    ahsolutc 
iiHinan-h,  wiu»  irrraitttiMi-  in  the  i 
the  //  [f  an]    -iiiiatimi 

nm   short   of  |ii<|iianey  or  threat. 
lapse   into  H-ntiment   the  god's  machine 
was  always  within  hail.nnd  to     -.  n.l  fur 

•nB"becni 
Anxmg  the  Fn-nc-li  i-l  ..11  of 

C"  *  1    I' 
with     tin-     raving    •  of    Mile. 


Imrt-  the  |>:illii 

^lud^  inueportiiient  But  the  maat  attrac- 
tive li^ure  on  i  .\.i>  •<  MI-- 
l/'lll:.  wh                      1  charm  of  fai-e 

and  manner  won  an  immediate  conquest. 

Slie  maile  her  part  look  easy  enough. 
lull  with  all  il^  air  of  inp-nuoiisiieH  it 
ilem. in'li-<l  a  \i-ry  nice  intellii;ence.  and 
even  a  eert.iin  >ulitlely,  for  the  int 
latioii  of  its  wayward  nn-iU.  And  it  is 
ijiiite  dillicull,  in  such  a  chancier.  In  In- 
clever  i-noiii;li  lint  not  !• 

I  am  sure  that  Mr.  MhllMl.  MO|;|O\. 
the  adapter,  has  done  an  admirable  pi>  >  .• 
of  liowillcri-mi:  :  hut  the  \ery  nai. 

n-ii.i-  made  it  ini|  r  him 
lo  throw  more  than  a  Iran-parent  \eil 
over  the  general  Mivj^i-stivenexs  of  tin- 
original.  (  ' 

AN   ODD   NIGHT  AT  COVENT  GARDEN. 
IT  so  happened  thai  1'r.  l!h  nrnn  and  I 

cnlen-d  the  (  Ipeni  House  at  the  s;iine 
moment,  and  I  stip|>ose  that  the  applause 
which  jjireted  us  went  to  my  head  more 
than  a  little.  Mon-over,  mi  my  way  to 
Covenl  (iardeii  I  had  lingered  oul.-idc 
The  Aldwych,  allraclcd  liy  a  wonderful 
of  Mr.  UmiKitT  EOHOV.  The 
result  was  that,  when  the  curtain  rose 
ii|Hin  1'i-iiiM  and  Tntniliiiiixi-r.  the  firM 
tiling  which  struck  me  was  the  c\tra 
onlinary  likenc-s  of  lli-rr  K\oii  to  the 
IMI-II-I-;  K)  I  -aid  to  myself,  "I  know 
.vhat  this  is.  It's  StrongoeaH.  'Should 
HKXI.-V  K.  TVNMIU  si:i:  marry  the  ^'irl?" 
When  you  j;el  an  impression  of  this 
sort  into  your  head  at  the  very  start,  you 
ha\ei:ot  to  KO  through  with  the  thin;,'. 
I  lixiked  at  I'rtiiix  ami  said  "  No,"  with 
dit-i-ion.  Hy  and-liy  she  lK'j;aii  ti 
and  I  xiid  "  Yes."  8tr6ngkeart  mean- 
while  was  expre.— in^a',1  .-orts  of  emotions 
with  one  of  the  most  moKile  faces  I  have 


met  until  even  a  deaf  child  could  have 
undcrMo."!  that  In-  wa.-n'l  at  all  .-nre 

aln  .ul  it  himself,  but  on  the  whole  tboughl 

he  wouldn't  ....  and  so  home. 

Hack  in  the  sunlight  a^iin  S/iiiji;//i.-nrf 

-  it  was  much  to 

and  to  turn  hi-  attention  seriously 

10  mii-ic.      ll  se.-iiii-d  In  me  thai  lli. 

\\as  not  followed  M-ryelo-.-ly  here;  for 
the  tran-lator  liad  left  out  the  footUdl 
match,  and  had  ^iveu  us  in  its  ; 

l\  re     (  olll|x-litioll.        Instead      of      llie     l.e 
Irayal    of    the  :ia|s    we    had    a 

-Ironjj    sn  ne     ill    which     /!//.  n>//    com 
plained     loudly     that     Stmtghfttrt      had 

•tolen  his  score ;  in  consequence  he  had 

to  play  entirely  from  men.ory.  I  cannot 
KIV  whether  tin-  accusation  \\as  true  or 
not.  lull  even  if  il  was  I  was  xirry  that 
!liM:Y  K.  didn't  y.-t  the  medal.  He 
I  -o  keen,  and  kept  on  popping 
up  with  another  little  p.. 

And    then    the  curtain  fell  and  1  went 

out  lor  a  cigarette.     When  I  came  Lack 

I     found    that     the     pl;iy  :.    lint 

that  they  were  filling  up  the  I. ill  with 
llie  third  act  of  'I'liiinliiiiini'i- ;  and  that 
Mr.  WIIITKIIIU..  a  pathetic  and  di.ynilied 

11  nlfi-iiiii.  was  sinyiny  divinely.        M. 


DAT  AT  Tlir.  Ci  III.IIAII.  S -mmi.. 
Ilrnry  TannhSiir  learnii  tliat 


Court  News. 

i.MNi.    to   '/'/,.•    lln'ili/   Kxprrs*  the 
K  Msl.l!     has     l.ii-ii  I     to "     the 

Kn^lish    journalists.       We     iindi  i 
that  Mr.  (  'i  IMI  M  SnolMKIi  will  hold 
during    the    c.  .iir-e    of    the    tour,    when 

iynin^    -  ifl    will    be    re. 

strictly  in  order  of  application. 

The  Weight  of  Tears. 

"As  A"|SIVM  M\n;o\  is  wanted  for 
the  almvc.  Siilary.  t  In  |«-r  annum,  and 
all  found,  with  uniform,  increasing 
annually."- -Scot  «mmi. 

"Tin-  S-ntli-li    l.-.ni.-l    |ili-nlilir:itioii   AssCK-ia- 
ii..ii  ini-t-t   in  ll.i-  l'lin~li:in   I 
niKlit,  vvlii-n  Mr.  .1.  li    III  in  :ui!.«ris  tin-  i|iii-ry. 
'  yui  HoiiiiV   which,  being   inti-ri 
•  What  (!CKH|  ?  '  "     '.'/<;- 

A  i  v~i.  of  mistaken  identity,  we  fear. 
Tr\  again. 

"  Sun   ami   hanl  turf 
wliit-li  nrgril  a  jjroat  Jilii-iali-ur  u[  utlii-r 
ii   i.f   hi<  HI—!I  • 
•  io*e  are  real  <-ii>krt  rumln. 

Vi-;   lull    we   know   of  no  conditions 
which    would    excuse    such    a    dreadful 
-enlence   as   lliis.   even    when    eon 
liy  a  \i-ry  small  litti'-raleur  <if  these  days. 


1 '  l'i    f.  s-(.r  CAI  i-sr.  in    liis  uiniiiiiiii-iital   lii-.- 
t..ry  nf  tin-  |.]:ui-  ninl  t\-  |«.ii.  ti-ll-  Intemtinffly 

IUI-1.   C.ll  II     |.l  ^lill    till- 

tl.ilM    f 

Wr  don't  U-lieve  tliat  Klrimtn  did  any 
such  thing. 


n,  TOOT.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


41.3 


Lady  (to  Irish •  tjardener,  irho  "  oblitjes"  by  the  day).  "WELL,  DAN,  AND  WHAT  DO  I  OWE  YOU  FOR  TO-DAY  ?" 

1>an.  "SriiE,  MA'AM,  I'D  SOONER  BE  TAKINC  THE  HAI  r  -CROWN  YOU'D  BE  OFFERING  ME  THAN  THE  TWO  smu.iNr;s  I'D  BE  ASKING  OF  YOU." 


MUCH  ASSURANCE. 

[A  certain  Office  is  saiJ  to  insure  against  the  failure  of  literary  ven- 
t ii ITS.  ami  against  the  risk  of  flirtation  ending  in  marriage.  These 
n  Ira.-  seem  capable  of  extension.] 

LIST,  ye  who  dread  Dame  Fortune's  strange  caprices, 
Knowing  she  loves  to  build  and  to  destroy, 

Conscious  on  what  a  very  fragile  lease  is 
J  Idd  what  we  have  of  comfort  and  of  joy  ; 

Let^me  invite  your  very  best  attention 

To  the  advantages  our  House  extends  ; 
And  I  would  ask  you,  if  you  will,  to  mention 

Them  in  the  hearing  of  your  many  friends. 

Are  you  afraid  of  anything  whatever, 

Baldness  or  fatness,  motor-car  or  bus? 
Lest  yon  grow  stupid,  or  your  friends  too  clever  ? 

Take  an  insurance  policy  with  MS. 

Are  you  a  person  given  to  flirtation, 

'let  from  dull  wedlock  anxiously  averse? 

You  can  defy  that  dreaded  consummation 
.lust  by  a  trilling  drain  upon  your  purse. 

Are  you  a  maiden,  noting,  siek  at.  heart,  your 

Ifapid  decline  in  marriageable  looks  V 
Calmly  you  '11  scan  your  beauty's  swift  departure, 

1  f  you  but  keep  your  name  upon  our  books. 


Are  you  a  landlord,  fearing  measures  that  form 
Parts  of  the  programme  of  the  Labour  crew, 

Planks  (in  a  word)  of  Mr.  HARDIK'S  platform  ? 
We  have  the  very  tiling  to  comfort  you. 

Are  you  a  parson,  frightened  to  distraction 
By  the  wild  schemes  of  militant  Dissent  ? 

Pay  us  each  day  a  farthing  and  a  fraction, 
And  you  shall  laugh  at  Disestablishment. 

Even  a  CAMPBELL,  if  unfortunately 

He  to  the  Old  Theology  return, 
Faces  the  dire  catastrophe  sedately, 

Having  insured  his  views  in  our  concern. 

Kay,  have  you  writ  a  drama  or  a  novel, 
School-book,  or  volume  of  symbolic  tales  ? 

Send  to  Our  firm  a  yearly  trifle  of  £ 
S.  D.,  nor  worry  if  the  venture  fails. 

Or  is  an  epic  poem  your  ambition, 

Milton-like,  soaring  o'er  the  /Timian  hill? 

For  a  quite  insignificant  commission 
We  will  take  charge  of  the  ensuing  bill. 

Would  you  contribute  rhymes  to  Punch,  but  price  of 
Ink,  stamps,  and  paper  weighs  upon  your  mind  ? 

Send  us  each  year  an  easily-put-by  sov., 
And  you  '11  enjoy  the  Editor's  "  Declined." 


411 


ITNClf.   OR  THK   LONDON   C'lI.MMV.MM. 


[Jon  :-. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

•/../  L.M 


Is  . 

mud. 

and  i 

taken  his  linn  in  the 

pulillsh   II         ll< 

w«ne  invertebn 
trouble  to  give 


tha 


It  with.     \' 
the   plotting*  that    make  up  daily  life.      <  'n  the  scene  en' 

:. itchid  to  inquire  into  the  desir- 

ability  of  granting   the  colonial   demand  B       He    i- 

'.\   hi-  danghi.  leiful   young  lady. 

and  a  |x>or   kinsman  wl  !!•  ,-.    i:  .  -••  two 

-    the    show,    directing    the    fo"t-lcps    of    the    doddering 

idence  but  baa  too  much  i  '"•  '"'w  '  '•"''  "''"''••  p.i'h.  who  wins 

tin.  bin. I      and  how.  are  mat-  left    to  the  ciiriositv  of    thei. 

fl'llll»lllli'IIllt'<l|'ll*»ll«l~       III"          Iltl  Il(  1  ,  .  f  *  -  - 

!,;,„.   ;,„,!  i    I'.cnh-nlalh  hunt,  and 

naitn  of  thn..  raptun-  of  nnothei  of  the  winning  of  the  I 

incn-dible  that,  with  all 


of  an  Ktxjliihiritmnn  ;  for  it 

iie  author  thandh*rOtrmmQ<irdon 

adopt,  foi  -iiiiin 


!.  i i-r.il.ly  facile  and   familiar, 
after  a  score  of  !•  •:• 
though  the  one-liaml.  .1 


Hut    n-li.-f 

jilts   his 
form   is   inaini.nni-'l    it    i- 


on 

ami 


henceforth  with  tin*  |..-n  ..I   a  |.l.ii..iiir  wrilor  that  r-lu-  |>nittlw 
in  him  on  j  i  to  her  nice  mind 


IT  is  Bcaatxntt,  is   nRnri    TU   i:\-i  I:K  710:    i -.  -»  n  »i  :TY    UK   THE 

HI»MI"U    HKKVIi  i:,  THAT  THK   I'IKRS  HlliHIli    |:r     Mil iVIHEH   WITH    1    CHEW 
!••   l"l  K  TIIKM   OIT   To   MEET  THE  B<HTS  II  M  K-W  \V. 


the     weather,     11 

I.  |«»-is.  tli.-  narrow 
r  of  her  hoiiw,  tin- 
nuiiincrxof  a  unuill  <  It-rinaii 
pnivinrial  town.  It  is 
tn  the  cr«Nlit  of  her 
that  in  tin*  cm)  .-hi- 
his  fri)'ml.-hi]>. 
with  all  the  -pl.-inlnl  scope 
it  offers  fur  the  indulgence 
i  if  her  passion  for  1.  M.  r 
writing,  rather  than  allow 
him,  at  the  thinl  time  of 
thinking,  to  regard  her  as 
an  eligililc  quantity. 

1  In. |*-  that  tin-  stodgi- 
neasof  the  l.-.k'-  title  will 
not  go  against  it ;  for  its 
i-  iH'.irly  always 
fmtll  ami  |.ii|iiant.  though 
thi'chann  somctimett  wears 
a  little  thin  from  shc<T 
gamility.  And.  n  jirojiot, 
I  never  understand  why  the 
authors  of  private  corres- 
pondence bookB  should 
haliitiiidly  IM-  iiK>re  garrulous  than  any  other  kind  of  author, 
when  .ill  tlii-laws<,f  pmUiliility  -protest  against  tlii-  lin-iice.  1 
am  ii"l  iiil«-n-t.-.l  in  tln-ir  own  inannal  lal«mr  i  indeed  they 
ppiliaMy  dit-l.ile  to  a  ty|K'  writiT  .  II  is  f»r  the  ehanii-tew  in 
their  books,  the  miser.ilile  wriU-s  that  are  made  to  write  the 
d  letters,  that  my  he-art  Buffers,  hxik  at  i«»r  l-'riiul<  i» 
•  nil.  hitting  down  at  the  end  of  a  day  "so  violently 
active,"  she  says,  "that  e\ery  Ume  I  poaaeae  is  aching 
write  a  perfectly  gratiiitoiiM  letter  of  U-twct-n  two  and  thro- 

....,,    ,|       i-   ,•.,.,.....•     rtoi        •       BOO     t 
to  my  litiiiiiinity.  

The  anonymous  author  of  Tin-  I  "//ni». 

haa  laid  the  scene  of  his  story  in  an  i-l.nnl  of  the  south. 
its  shores  washed  l>y  a  mighty  ••  mountains  dothed 

with  liri.  '  "I -I  A."  ilist-laims  intention  of 

i.iil.H  fnun  life,  or  identifying   Ultramarine  with 
.  ular  colony.     T\\\n  leovcs  nt-o]*'  for  thot-e  who 
aojourne<l  or  visited  any  of  the  ro]..ni.-.  to  gm>s  whirli 
.  mind.      Aetually  he  h. 

than  tint  of  rixurdiiig  with  embeUkhaMBli men>i 

liy  whirl. 

iliful   pii-tiire. 
'.••   revolving  round  <  lovenir 


Yi  t  another  American  inxader  in  the  person  of   Mr.  .li  -it  - 
with  \V\i.ii.  !>••  K  .  r.iiK'li>h  allies,  and 

.1  M" ././•»  /  7i/.w,  .<  a-    In-  weapon   of   offence.      Tlierc   an-    ~i\ 
luniks  or  chapt.  i-  in   this  ( tdy-ey  of  a  linmli.  and 

four   '  the   \\i;-  >•  rman  American    Ibroii.  the 

liii-re  of  a  U-ltcd    I'  arl.  a  I  lungaria.i   I'l:  lit<-r 

of  the  I'alinalian  l>  r.l  of  'I  reach  in  turn 

the  modern    !"l\».  -  n.  which   they 

duly  reeipnicate,  hut  except 
that  he  slay-  in  sini_l 
li.it  the  lm>liand  of  tl  . 
ami    the    father     .ind    miir- 

' 

as  the  .-.!>  ii:  'lliing 

'lone,      l-'.ven  when  Calypso 
Nnmlicrl  >ne  turns  n; 
in  the  la>t  chapter  and  offers 
to    share    his    wandering*, 
ntiniie   liis 
.v      solitary 

soldier    of    fortune     rather 
than  In  enjoy  il.. 
matrimony.       The  remain- 
ing two  thirds  of   Mr.  Koit- 
M  \s's  U..k  con-ist  <if  -.hurt 
of      the      lua^a/ine 
type    which    have    ni  thing 
to   do   with    Mr.    "• 
MI-I  'Icixl.  though   tin 
tain    a    fair    s]>rinkling    of 
(  'alypsM-i.    The  illustrations 
l.\     Mr.    ( 'i  M  M:    Sin  i-fKit- 
~"N    an-    ]iarticnlarly    good 
work. 


If  a  holiday  you  're  planning, 

I  nacconipanied  l>\   kith, 
l.'i.i'l  'Hi:-  _\ii  afOanuHUHHf 

I/'\'.M\S-  ;  author.  I'.  imt). 

linst  the  .-corclier 
Yon  may  gip>y  U-     and  snail: 

DatebunrjF  torture 
|-'.\er  following  your  trail. 

It  will  grant  the  joy  of  leisure 

\l  a  c.  -I  cvticmcly  small, 
Yielding  you  that  roadside  treasure 
know  not  at  all. 

:ng  any  faster 

Than  \'<nr  i-rmkerv  can  stand, 
In  a  century  you  'II  ma 

ii   a  little  of  our  land. 

'•  r  i"lting.  fry  ing  panning, 

il.iv  -  with   Hi  l:ll,-\\l  SMIIH  ! 
l!ut  the  jui/x  of  caravanning 

'  In-  I'.i  KHMM'-  mvth  'f 


JINF.  12,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


415 


THE   Sri.KNDID   I'dUTF.R. 

A  n:;  ban  'iii  <lro\v  up  ill  tin-  station 
yard  In-  emerged  from  sonic  private  lair, 
and  in  a  moment.  I  felt  like  a  storm- 
i  sailor  who  lias  readied  his  port. 
The  first  half  of  the  drive  I  had  lieen 
settling  mentally  what  I  should  give  the 
ealiinan,  and  the  second  half  1  had  been 
wondering  what  he  would  say  when  he 
saw  it.  This  is  my  invariable  habit 
when  I  take  a  cab.  The  Scotch  strain 
in  my  blood,  although  naturally  generous 
enough,  makes  me  decline  from  a  sense 
of  duty  to  pay  more  than  the  strictly 
legal  fare ;  ami  the  impulsive,  cheery 
Irish  half  of  me  makes  me  detest  un- 
popularity and  a  scene.  I  often  wish 
fervently  that  I  was  pure  Scotch  or  pure 
Irish. 

l!i it  on  this  occasion  there  was  really 
no  scene — for  once.  The  porter  took 
the  one-and-fourpence  from  my  hand 
and  gave  it  to  the  cabman.  He  (the 
porter)  appeared  to  be  a  man  of  about 
six  foot  six  and  generously  built  to 
match.  lie  had  bright  red  hair,  and  in 
the  event  of  a  row  I  like  bright  red 
hair — if  it  is  on  my  side.  This  porter 
was  clearly  on  my  side.  Therefore  I 
wandered  a  few  paces  from  the  cab  and 
gave  myself  up  to  philosophical  thought 
while  they  settled  the  matter.  I  felt 
that  it  might  well  be  left  in  this  good 
porter's  hands.  Indeed,  I  had  so  strong 
a  sense  of  detachment  that,  even  if  I  had 
had  any  cotton-wool  about  me,  I  should 
not  have  slipped  it  in  my  ears.  As 
it  was,  I  heard  the  cabman  say  with 
mordant  irony  : 

"  What  is  'e-  a  missionary  or  just  a 
blooming  phileranthropist  ?  " 

My  ears  began  to  tingle,  but  then  the 
porter  spoke : 

"Never  you  mind  what  he  is.  You 
ain't  worthy  to  deal  with  a  gentleman 
like  him.  Don't  let  me  hear  one  more 
word  from  you  agin  him !  " 

The  cabman  seemed  to  measure  the 
speaker  with  his  eye,  and  then  lie  handed 
down  my  two  bags  in  a  thoughtful 
silence. 

The  porter  picked  them  up  as  though 
they  had  been  two  feathers,  and  followed 
me  into  the  booking-office.  I  took  my 
ticket,  and  all  the  way  to  the  train  I  was 
wondering  how  much  I  should  give  the 
man.  It  was  as  though  two  voices  were 
arguing  in  my  ears.  One  of  them  had 
a  pronounced  Caledonian  accent,  and  it 
said,  "Losh,  iiKin,  j,it' the  fellow  twa  pence 
and  hap  done  \vi'  it.  Ye  '11  mind  that 
he's  paid  by  this  great  and  prrospenms 
(  Vmpaiiy  to  carry  hags.'' 

The  other  voice  had  a  pleasing 
Hibernian  brogue,  which  I  find  some 
little  difficulty  in  reproducing. 

"Sure,  ye  can't  with  dacency  give 
him  less  than  sixpence,'1  it  said  softly. 
"Begorrah,  man,  think  of  the  weight  of 


Pat.  "THE  NEXT  WAN  o'  THEY  (TIAITFEIIS  AS  BUKB  evER  ME  'LL  BE  SOKBT  JOB  UT." 
Thomas.  "AKD  wmr  's  THAT?  " 

Pat.    "  I  'VE   GOT  A   TIN   O1   KITBO-GLYCEIUNE    IN    HE  POrKF.T  !  " 


thim  two  bags,  and  of  how  he  settled 
that  thafe  of  a  carman  !  " 

I  listened  to  them  both,  and  perceived 
that  there  was  a  certain  measure  of  truth 
in  both  their  arguments.  For  myself,  I 
should  have  liked  to  obey  them  both,  or 
at  least  to  compromise.  But  you  know 
what  a  Scotchman  is  in  an  argument ! 
A  dear  good  fellow,  with  a  keenly  logical 
mind,  but  just  a  wee  bit  impatient  of 
contradiction.  I  got  twopence  ready 
and  muttered  an  apology  to  the  Irish 
voice. 

We  came  to  the  train  in  time,  and  my 
porter  found  me  an  empty  carriage.  He 

Eut  the  bags  inside,  and  settled  me 
ixuriously  in  a  corner  seat  that  com- 
manded the  window  rights,  so  that  if  I 
chose  I  should  be  able  to  make  all  my 
fellow-passengers  quite  miserable  with- 
out fear  of  contradiction,  and  then  a 
little  nervously  I  offered  him  that  two- 
pence. 

To  my  amazement  he  declined  to  take 
it. 

"No,  no,  sir,"  he  said  with  mellow 
dignity,  "  there  's  no  need  of  that !  " 

1  looked  at  him  sharply  to  sec  if  he 
was  indulging  in  sarcasm.  One  of  the 
voices  whispered,  "Hoots,  mon,  gin 
lie's  too  prood  to  tak  the  bawbees,  yon 
can  e'en  stick  to  them  yoursel' !  "  But 
the  man's  voice  had  been  quite  pleasant, 
and  he  was  smiling  kindly. 

"Why  not?"  [  asked. 

"Well,  it's  like  this,  sir,"  he  said. 
"  I  don't  believe  in  tips  !  Whilst  I  have 
health  and  strength,  and  whilst  the 


Company  pay  me  my  present  generous 
wage,  it  don't  seem  right  that  I  should 
take  them.  There  's  a  lot  too  much  of 
that  sort  of  thing  about." 

I  could  only  look  at  him  in  wonder. 
At  least  one  half  of  me  was  in  full  agree- 
ment with  what  he  said.  The  other  half 
told  me  that  there  was  something  weird 
and  unnatural  about  it.  Besides,  the 
man  had  been  willing  and  most  respect- 
ful. 

"  Oh,  come,  you  must  take  it !  "  I  said 
pleasantly,  and  in  my  voice  I  detected  a 
faint  trace  of  brogue. 

"No,  sir,"  he  said  quite  kindly  but 
quite  firmly.  "  It 's  clean  against  my 
principles,  although  I  thank  you.  I'm 
trying  hard  to  convert  my  fellow -workers 
too;  but  it 's  slow  work—  uncommon  slow 
work.  You  're  off  now,  Sir.  Good  day 
and  tliank  you  !  " 

There  was  the  screech  of  a  whistle ;  he 
stepped  back  from  the  window  and 
faded  from  my  view. 

***** 

I  ought  perhaps  to  have  said  at  the 
start  that  this  is  a  dream.  There  was 
no  such  porter  really,  and  never  has 
been.  

Horticultural  Notes. 
(inicAT  DISCOVERY  BY  THE  "TRIBUNE." 

FROM  an  article  entitled  "Home 
Topics  ":  — 

"Of  tlie  various  suggestions  for  keeping 
flowers  in  tlie  house,  t  here  is  nothing  better  than 
clean  vases  or  jars  and  fresh,  cool  water, 
changed  at  least  once  a  day." 


PUNCH.    OR   T1IH    I.UNDMN    ClI.MtlVAIM. 


12,  1907. 


HUMOURS    OF    AN    ENGLISH    SUMMER. 

"  liar*  Too  forgnlton,  lore,  *o  nooa 
TV 

irt  in  Spr 
Wait  till  tin-  full-Hedged  woodlands  fairly  liuiii 

Wilh  tuny  In;  m  the  w 

'I'lit-n  by  1 1 10  river's  marge,  inside  a  I- 

•  t!i«'  Mm-  sky  gleam  :il 
I'd  liavc  v.>u  j.lurk  tin1  psychologic  li.uir, 

Aii'l  \i-nl 

I  til  ini  is  \vilh  joy  dff--rred,  at  last,  nt  last, 

I  lived  f..r  r.irly  .lime  a  tryst  ing  | 
(I»own  T:i|'li>w  way\  familiar  fn>in  a  i 

Chci|neri-d  with  lively  memories  of  the  cha.se; 
N<T  h.-ul  the  interval  <>f  tarrying  i 

Ifcen  wholly  wasted;  I  M  improved  the  time 
Learning  my  string  of  sunny  tropes 

.vn  from  I  is  prime. 

The  fateful  day  arrival     a  perfect  U-ast, 
Wortliy  of  March  when  at  his  lion's  tricks. 

Dawn,  rosy-nosed  (the  wind  was  Nor'-Nor'-East), 
1'shered  a  tcmiKTature  of  -Hi  . 

Through  icy  ruin  descending  like  the  plague, 
Close-furled  in  Jaeger  wool  anil  mackintosh, 

Yet  whistling  "  ]>rx-h  die  lAebe  fund  den  \\'r-j," 
I  sallied  forth— splosh,  splosh. 

\Ve  met  ;  we  slithered  down  the  oozy  lank ; 

iJke  a  Muck  pig  the  sodden  rowlocks  screamed  ; 
HIT  hti-cring.  always  poor,  was  simply  rank, 

Ainl  from  her  picture  hat  a  torrent  streamed; 
We  found  the  Ixiwer  liem-atli  a  storm  of  hail, 

Songless  save  where  a  husky  cuckon  crowed ; 
And  once  I  thought  1  heard  a  nightingale 
Curse  in  the  Doric  mode. 

We  rniuched  Ix-low  a  straining  copper  beech, 

afancfaing  from  time  to  time  a  camphor  pill  ; 
Ami  when  1  touched  on  love  my  flowers  of  speech 
l'roo|icil  in  an  atmosphere  forlornly  chill ; 

i  not  Maine  her  answer,  which  was  Munt — 
Cold  feet  will  thus  affect  the  nicest  girl; — 
Besides  the  damp  had  disarranged  her  "  front," 
Tutting  it  out  of  curl. 

That  night,  alone  In-fore  a  bla/ing  log, 

And  curtained  from  the  eruel  leaden  skies, 
1  thanked  my  wtars,  alxne  the  steaming  grog, 

•  which  had  made  me  wise ; 
"(live  me  no  mere  fair-weather  wife,"  I  said, 

Hut  something  like  a  rock  that 's  roughly  hewn, 
To  face  with  careless  front  the  coarse,  ill-bred, 

Jibes  of  an  English  June.  0.  8. 


Oar  Spoiling:  Mathematician*. 

Aa    haa    been   i-ointed    out    lx-f..re    now,   rricket    is  an 
uncertain  game,  full  of    aiun/ing  roim idenci-s 
what  happened  on  the  first  day  of  the  Notts  and  !•;,„-. 
last  week.    In  the  words  of  The  Sportrm<m : 

"  Then  wera  two  curioo*  duplicate*  in  rmtpnUy'i  fignrM 
•bo  KOl«d    ex»rtljr    100  in   the  fint    inning*,  are    100   on,   and   in 
nuking  59  at  their  Mtoood  knock  mid*  juat  a*  many  at  Eiaex  in  ihcir 


"THE   CRY   OF   THE 

Mr.  I'tiiifJt   h"[H's  in   il 


This  aecpnd  duplk-.ite,  coming  on  top  of  the  first,  is  in.l, . .] 
extraordinary.    Verily,  as  "  Linesman     ssiii 


'        :         i  •..'.;:  1 


id  twice  l,i-t  month, 


RUSSIAN    CHILDREN." 

il'li'  to    aiilU'l:: 

IcraMi-  addition  to  the  sum  idn-ady  most  gi-nerously 
rabacribed  l>y  his  readew  for  the  estalili.shment  of  "  I'mi'-h  " 
kitchens  for  the  starving  children  of  Samara.  Bmnfl  A 
letter  dated  May  L'Stli  n-d  him  from  I  "r.  K>ss\l.l>. 

whoaaya:   "I  .  morning   I  start    to  tour  in  cumpaiiy 

with  Count   I'l  in:  'I'.'i^iov  with  a  \  lew  to  founding  kite: 

taking  the  names  of  several   thousand   more  children  in 

ordiT  to  have  all  arranged  when  you  send  the  next  instalment." 

Sul'scriplions  will  !»•  gratefully  n-cei\edand  :n-kno«  Icd^i^l 

liy  M  \nr.i  i:v  ASH  AI.M.W,  "  1'um-h  "'  rem 

i:.c.       

SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 

M^''  '.  when  [wa>  young  and  a  Cambridge  under- 

graduate, I    us.  d    to  vary  the   monotony   of   Ix.iks  and    I 
the  capital  letter  will  indicate  the  relative  iniportanceof  I 
pursuits)  with  Ixixing.     l»ng  liefore  that,  when  1  was  ijuitea 
small    Ihiy.  the  great  t 'aptain   I'll  it    may    have 

his  understudy  -  had  consented  to  sloop  and  |'imch  my  head, 
an  indignity  I  could  always  resent  liy  punching  that  of  my 
younger  brother,  who,  Ix-ing  i,f  inCmitcsimal  si/e,  found 
nothing  smaller  than  himsi-lf  for  the  s;itisfaet ion  of  his  vumin led 
fei-lings.  Captain  Ciiiosso  carried  on  his  listie  vocation  in  a 
saloon  which  presents  itself  to  im  memory  as  having  Uvnsim- 
ate.l  somewhere  in  the  WestUmrne  drove.  T:  -olid 

and  almost  luxurious  fittings.  'J'lie  parallel  liars,  the  dumb- 
bells and  the  Indian  clubfl  scorned  to  imply  a  balance  at  the 
bank  ;  and  the  lx>\ing-gloves,  occasionally  in  their  effects  so 
painful,  were  not  without  their  us  of  de. 

Kverything  there  was  done  in  gixnl  order.  You  learnt  how 
to  receive  whacks  in  the  face  without  flinching.  It  was  an 
honour  to  be  struck,  for  you  felt  that  you  \v .  .ated 

with  no  common  establishment,  and   that  you   wei. 
part  of  one  of  the  great  s|xirts  which  have  made  Knglishmen 
what  they  unquestionably  are.      In   these  days  'I , 
and  the  HKNICIA  BOY  were  much  talked  alxmt.  '  Thci: 
had    fire<l     the    imaginations   of    many    boys    not    otherwise 
ferocious,  and  when,  as  sometimes  happened,  \ve  saw  a  real 
prizefighter,  we  were  struck  dumb  with  respect   and  adi. 
tion.     The  palmy  days,  however,  had  gone,  and  1   myself  did 
not,  after  my  experience  at  Captain  COMBO'S,  drink  delight 
of  battle  until  I  had  spent  a  year  or  two  on  tin-  banks  of   tin- 
Cam.     Then,  as  I  say,  I  once  more  liccame  a  bo\,-r. 

JACKSOK — it  is  a  name  not  without  honour  in  the  annals 
of  the  ring— was  our  instructor,  or  rather  (for  there  v.ere  two 
of  them,  father  and  son)  the  JACKSONS  were  our  instpi,  • 
The  place  where  we  learnt  was  a  parlour  of  m<  il. 
On  the  ground-floor  Ofl  "The  \\'rc.-ller'.-  An.,-"  in  the  |',.|ty 
I'ury.  Vanished,  I  believe,  is  that  parlour,  and  vanished 
are  the  Arms  of  the  Wrestler.  Civ  ili/ation  has  swallow,  d 
them  up,  and  modern  needs  in  I  know  not  what  shape  have 
supplanted  them.  I'mt  in  those  ib  I  ,  ,,k  of  thirty 
-  ago  the  parlour  was  of  an  afternoon  full  "f  lusty  life 
and  vigour.  Springy  steps  moved,  cat  like  and  f  •• 

its  sawdusted  lloor.  young  breasts  panted  with 

ion.  young  eves   glan-dwilh   an    immitigable  !icreei  . 

Jit    blow.,   delivered    with   a   deadly   impact    b-. 

resounded  with  a  dull   thud  on  young  foreheaJ 
or  noses;  and  rounds  of  toil  and   delight  sped    the  mm, 
along,      h,    (ruth    "The    Wrestler's    Arms"    jarlour    had    IN 

i"!    hours  of  glorious   life,  while   the  younger  JiOXSOl 
now  and    then,  if    he  did  n,,t  exactly  S,,UIH|    the   clarion 
:i    I1"1    hi.  |    some   ad  mil-able    inl,-nii,-;zi    on    tin' 

•t  a  i-islons.  on   which   he   was  a   very   meritorious   IK.T- 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAUIVARI.-J^  12.  1007. 


THE   WICKED   UNCLE. 

[By  the  terms  of  Mr.  HALPAXE'S  Territorial  and  Reserve  Forces  Bill,  the  Militia  and  the  Yeomanry,  as  such,  disappear.] 


JUNK  12,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


419 


AWFUL    THREAT. 


\\orr\ed  Mother.  "Now  THEN,  'EBB,  YOU  COME  'ERE!    LOOK!   THERE  oo  THE  LADIES.    So  JUST  TOU  KEEP  STILL,  OR  THEY'LL  TAKE 

YOU  IS  WITH  THEM,  AXD  YOU  *LL  SEE  ALL  THE  OPEKAS  !  " 


The  old  man,  JACKSON  ptre,  was  the  presiding  genius  of 


the  establishment.  Glowing  traditions  circled  about  his 
venerable  limbs  and  body.  The  inches  of  his  upper  arm 
had  once  boon  eighteen  ;  four  feet  had  hardly  measured  the 
circuit  of  his  still  imposing  cheat.  Feats  of  strength  he  had 
in  his  youth  performed  by  the  score;  no  weight  had  daunted 
him  in  the  lifting ;  with  one  terrific  blow  he  had  once  left 
a  Life-guardsman  for  dead  ;  his  exploits  as  a  defender  of 
women  had  erst  spread  terror  amongst  the  more  ruffianly. 
Now,  old  and  robbed  of  his  pith,  he  was  still  a  tall  figure 
of  a  man,  the  shell  of  what  had  once  been  magnificent  strength 
and  manly  enterprise.  It  was  his  duty  to  teach  the  novices, 
and  this  he  did  with  what  I  may  almost  call  an  old-world 
courtesy,  a  gallantry  of  condescension  which  tapped  without 
hurting,  ami  guarded  so  as  rather  to  encourage  than  to  foil. 
He  told  me  once,  when  I  had  aimed  at  what  is  known  as 
"  the  mark  "  and  had  struck  it,  that  HKNDIGO  himself  would 
not  have  disdained  the  authorship  of  such  a  blow,  and  that, 
indeed,  it  had  been  one  of  his  favourite  methods  of  destruc- 
tion. We  sparred  no  more  that  day. 

In  a  more  advanced  stage  we  came  under  the  lists  of  the 


the  air  your  elbow   was  all  but   dislocated   by  the  futile 


jerk;    or  again  it  drooped  suddenly 
skimmed   harmless   over  his   raven 


and  your  boxing-glove 
locks.     He   was  a  fine 


boxer  and  a  good  companion,  quiet,  manly,  respecting 
himself  and  always  sure  of  the  respect  of  others.  I  trust 
he  still  lives,  a  staunch  and  solid  veteran  of  the  gloves, 
the  stick  and  the  foil. 

In  the  intervals  between  our  hard  Iwuts  we  were  permitted 
to  send  round  to  the  "Arms"  for  beer.  "Walk  round," 
said  the  elder  JACKSON,  after  we  had  reached  the  limits  of 
our  muscles  and  our  wind  ;  and  then  in  the  twinkling  of 
an  eye  the  l)eer  came  in,  foam-headed  beer  in  pewter 
tankards,  and  "  Here  's  luck !  "  said  the  drinkers,  and  the 
beer  was  gone  head  and  all.  Then  we  set  to  work  again. 

Some  day,  when  I  revisit  Cambridge,  I  shall  search  in 
the  Petty  Cury  for  the  ghost  of  "  The  Wrestler's  Arnn." 


The  Increasing  Alien. 

THE  St.  James's  Theatre's  Programme  of  Music  is  "  selected 
from  the  works  of  British  composers  " — a  prtusewortliy_ideA 

ia, 


younger  JACKSON.  A  big  man  he  was  and  a  heavy,  dark-  which  must  commend  itself  to  the  National  Review.  It 
haired,  stalwart  and  endowed  with  long  and  lissom  limbs,  however,  a  little  unfortunate  that  the  names  cf  the  first  four 
How  remote,  how  unapproachable  was  his  handsome  head  !  j  composers  on  the  programme  in  front  of  us  are  AunEB, 
Now  it  swayed  gently  in  one  direction,  and  the  carefully-  OFFKXIUCH,  ZH.UKTA  ami  CI;I':MII:I  x.  Had  the  play  been  called 
planned  blow  fell  harmless  on  his  extensive  shoulder  ;  now  anything  but  John  fJlaydJs  Honour,  we  should  have  had  our 
it  shifted  imperceptibly  backwards,  and  as  your  fist  struck  suspicions. 


L 


420 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CII.UtlVAKI. 


L>. 


DIARY    OF    THE    EDITORIAL 
ENTENTE. 

May  •.'."•     I  >• 
1  >urnaliats  on  i 
through    lierniany    to    csi. 

between  the  Fatherland 
:uul  tin-  ciiiintry. 

May    20.      Arrival    at    I'r 
aatanfohment  of  the  par  .   tliat 

little   children    talk    Ocrman. 
Mr.  SHUKIUI  essay  i  the  mine 

to   a   policeman    is   arrested    for    lete- 
majetle.     Nothing  but  pacific  interveii 
liun  of  Mr.  STKXWM  aaves  tin-  situa- 

it   t.i   tin-   Cn-at    Tun  of 
i»-rg.       Illuminated    addre-- 

t.i  tin-  custodian  I  iy  tin1  Editor 
of  Thf  Lteenffd  Victualler*'  <• 
who  aubee.|iicntly  disappears  in  tin- 
Tun  and  is  rescued  by  Mr.  HIMIM:. 
the  Editor  of  Tlif  C.ni/.-miir»iviri/  /iVricir. 
M>I;I  i->  Tin-  Bntin  Editors  in 
Berlin.  Mr.  (.'IJ.MKXT  Sinnnit  explains 
tn  his  ronfrrrt*  that  unier  ilen  l.intlt'n 
mean*  "under  the  cheMnuts."  I 


c-on- 


'Hi.-  British  PA  I  i  tore  visit  the  i  f  , 
a  Berlin  ilaily.  The  representative  of  The 
Ikiili/  M  nl  a  •!•  !ii>h.  1  to  tin.  I  that  the 
l.-.nli-r  writ,  r  is  expressing  the  same 
opinion  to-nii;lit  lliat  t!u-  pa|*-r  held 
l.i-t  night.  lias  to  IM-  carried  to  hi.-t 
in  a  -I.  it<-  i  if  c..ll:i| 

M.nj  111.     The  British  Editors  at 
dam.     The  Kilitor  of  Tin-  I'mirt  Journal 
and    Sir    KlM/xll    CooHK    the   only    men 
who   feel   really   at   homo.      Heipmttlt't 
young  man  goes  heavily  into  lager. 

Briti.-h      r/i'  .  ved      by     the 

EMPEROR.  Mr.  SII>VKT  I/>w.  on  making 
it  clear  that  he  is  not  Mr.  ('IIMII.M 
LOWE,  allowed  to  come  too.  The 
EvPEtioR,  pirouetting  gracefully  en  his 
I  right  Uic.  olwerves  "afti-r  all  why- 

should    we    lint    Ix-  gay    with   BrSTIXi;  ?  " 

On  being  introduced  to  Mr.  I'mii-ii  v\. 
the  EMPEBOR  said  he  was  always  glad 
to  meet  anyone  of  that  name,  and,  turn- 
ing to  Professor  KNVMI--,  "  Itemind 
me,"  IIP  said,  "to  put  this  gentleman's 
jxirtrail  into  our  next  all.-. 

I  Iran.  I  Iteview  of  the  troops  for  the 
British  Editors.  Speech  of  congratula- 
tion made  by  the  Editor  of  The  \V,ir 
<'r  'i.  Mr.  Snorrea  dona  uniform  of  a 
Berlin  oommiasionnirp. 

May.  10.  The  British  Fxlitoreat  Pilsen. 
Inspection  of  a  brewery  ......... 


-ditorof  The  Ur'itl*h  U'lV/.-/./  : 

"  rambling  remarks."     Ueturn  to  Eng- 

f  the  Editor  of  Thf  Allinnff 

•  in  IWnnurtel  and  morning  call 
of   the   Hriti-.li    Editors   on   the    ( 

-.       ronirr.itulatiiry    speeches    by 
the    Edit.  and     Tlif 

Rrltiflt    M.  i  mul.      The     I 

of  The  I'.i-ituli  \Vi-ckly  again  ramblea. 


Arrival  :it  \Vi-im.ir.  Mr.  |  (  '  A-MI-V.  of  The  Mtililirreen  i'.<njl>-. 
CLEUKXT  SUORTKR  takes  Snapahoto  al  the  dint-,  the  orcln->lr.i  with  a  .--l.illi 
lu.-k  and  a>ks'(;r.-at  l.an.|ii.'t.  Mr.  ('11  \iisr  Sii.'i.nn 

lian   if   it    was   here    that   the   drinks   to  the   pious  memory  of  JOIIVVN 

IlLkBU  l-'u:is  v  and  eniliran-M  the  (  lov.-i  -nor 
l!riti-h    Editors    vi.-it  'a   s:.  '  the  Khine  Province,  who  faints  at  the 


Felicitations  ii|.on  tlie 


of  tl 

rate   by   the    Eilitors  of    7V 
Kennel. 

•i-h  Editors  ;ii 

Mr.  LocKKit  .f  /'/,.  /!•;,/(   ilmft  inspects 
Mr.   SnoirrEB,    playing    at 
-IH.  f.dls  iii  anil  is  re  cued  by  the 
Editor   of    The    ('muity  <  !i-iitleniiin    mi..' 
' 


Wattr. 

June    1'.        Arrival    of     the     P.ritish 
Editors  at  Dresden.     E  .  n.wd 

at    the  station   addressed  by   the    Editors 
of    The     l**>tle     l-'eee     1'i-esx    and     The 
Skibberren     Kmjle.       The     party     then 
•  d    to    the    Koxal    Ca-tl. 


elephant,  sumptuously  caparisoii...!,  hav- 

U-cn 
CI.KMI.XI 

:i<-al  (iardens.  On  their  arrival  at 
the  Castle  the  King  of  S\v>xY  has  the 
honour  of  being  prc-ented  to  Mr.  CIK- 
MI  xi  SnoiirRR  and  his  colleagues.  In  an 
eloquent  speech  the  Kixo  greets  his 
illustrious  guests,  and  warmly  shaking 
Mr.  Cl.KMl.XT  SlMrmt  by  the  hand  lie 
compliments  him  on  his  inllin  nt  al 
exertions  in  allaying  the  acrimony  of 
international  strife  by  uniting  all 
on  the  common  ground  of  their  ii. 
in  CiHi:i.orrK  Bit  >x IK'S  wardroljo.  Mr. 
CI.KMF.XI  Siioum:,  moved  to  tears  by  this 
generous  tribute,  says  that  it  always 
lias  been  his  object  to  promote  the 
music  of  the  Spheres  and  presents  the 
Kixo  w'-'li  a  golosh  which  is  lx-lievcd  to 
have  once  l»elonged  to  PAII.-ICK  BitoxiK. 

./um-.">.  Arrival  of  the  British  Editors 
at  Munich.  Heception  at  the  Hercules 
Hall,  where  the  Regent  of  BAVXI.H  has 
the  honour  of  Ix-ing  presented  to  Mr. 
CI.EMEXT  SHORTER,  and  is  deeply  affected 
by  the  condescension  of  the  great 
English  publicist.  Gain  matinee  per- 
formance of  T<innhau»er  at  the  Opera 
House.  Mr.  PERCY  Brxrixa  at  short 
notice  takes  the  part  of  Venn*  and  is 
much  admired.  Banquet  in  the  llath 
liaus.  Mr.  SATmrnrwAm:  of  The  <  'Innr- 
bent  Mercury  replies  on  U-half  of  tin- 
British  Empire,  and  congratulates 
Bavaria  on  tin-  purity  of  its  l>eer. 

June   4.      Invasion    of     Frank  fort -on- 


nir  .   n.' 

.Inn,     r.       I  >.  part  u  re    of    tl 
Editors   f'l    Denmark.      In    mid  channel 
Mr.     Siioi.-ir.ii     wittily     and     win 

•ph<    to    the    K  M-I:II,  "  \Vi.-di    i  ur 
\i-it  had  :  .-.-r." 

June  8.  K'.-tutn  of  I'.riti-h  Editor-, 
in  a  !-tat.-  of  terrible  sal  i.-fai-timi, 
surprised  to  ti  id  that  En-land  still 
staml^  where  it  did. 


"THE   AIJMCMAII!." 

"  II  wouldn't  ha\e  a  cl.  <1  A. 

"  Mnl  why  not  '<   '    \\.  a*k.d.       I! 
\. •!•>   v.'iuii,'.      "  Why  not  ? 


Jt  would  IN- 

>ecn   plai-ed   at  the  di>|-osal  of   Mr.    ih-cent    and    leisurely.       It    would    gixe 
.XI  SlHHdKIl  by  the  1  linx-tors  of  the   00»d    reading    for  the  .-nil    .  f   the   \xeek. 


Maine  by  the  Hritisb  Editors. 
.lit tonal  capitulation  of  theeity  to(  icn.-r.d 
Siioiin  u.  Provisional  I  i'.vrnmient  estab- 
lished. Premier,  I'rin.  .•  Pi  r.  v  I'.i  vnv,  ; 
Chancellor  of  tho  IN.  h.-.|u.r,  ' 
SirwKTloW;  Minister c.f  Public  Wor.-hip, 
Hanni  BumuM  Crai.-«Tivs-. 

Arrival  of  the  Hi  iti-h  Editors 
nt    Cologne.       tJrind     concert    at     the 


by  the  lire  or  under  a  IP 

A.  lan^'hi  d. 

••  Why  do  you  Lnitfli  '!  "  I!.  :i>kcd  him. 

"  I'.  ..i  are  so  fond  of  the 

inessential,"  j-aid  A.  "I  thought  you 
wanted  the  thing  to  pay." 

I!.,  who  was  MTV  \oiiiii.'.  -i-hed. 

"  What  alxnit  your  S«-iety  para- 
graphs ''.  "  said  A.  '•'At  another  table 
\\as  Mrs.  l!i  \SK,  looking  U-antiful  in  her 
all  round  tiara.  l>'id  l'\-il  wa-.  there 
with  his  son,  and  hidy  HYMIKN,  in  a 
moire  antique  dream,  with  her  pretty 
daughters.'  An-n't  yon  /;oing  to  give 
them  anything  like  that  ':  " 


••Certainly  not,"  said  H.  ;  "it's  bilge." 

What's    the    matter     with 
asked  A. 

••  Everything." 

"My    dear    fellow,"    said    A.,    "won't 
you  have  any  personal  pars  at  all  ? 
thing  about  the  JK-I  pug-dog  of  the  great 
musical  comedy  favourite,  and  its  special 
barber's  visits  ?  " 

"  Nothing  alMiut  the  incorrigiKle  |«.pu- 
larity  of  Mr.  I'IXN  the  author,  ami  his 
habit  of  breaking  an  egg  on  his  hair 
every  morning,  anil  his  kindness  to  the 
parrots  at  the  Zoo?" 

•  Xo." 

"Nothing    about    the   little    Prince's 

how   they  are  cooked  and   how 

manv  bit.s  he  takes  to  a  plover's  egg?" 

•  No." 

"No?  Then  what  will  you  ha\er 
II  .\  are  \on  going  to  fill  the  thn 

"  ll  will  be  all  genial,  all  de, ,  nt.      No 

slime  at  all.      If  we    ha\e    to    U-   c  ritical, 

ill  ;    but     for    the    most     part    we 

>hall  ju>t  lie  friendly  and  readable." 

"My  ]*«>r  bo\  "  P..  was  \ery  \oiing1. 
"what  on  nirth  is  the  ^(-K|  of  that,  here 


<  iiir/.i-nii-li  Saal.     In  -,.  e,  throiigli    and    n.nx  '.'      It  '|    all    oxer.        And    Tlif 

i  indi-|«..-itio:],    of     Ihn     SIHXIIX.  u,    Mr. '  .li-mr/i<iir  too.     What    a  title!     Call    it 


JUNK  12,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


421 


Irate  tennis-playtr  (icho  has  just  received  resounding  blow  from  his  French  partner).  "  HERE— I  SAY  !     WHAT  IHE " 

French  Partner.  "HE  WAS  A  WASP  AND  I  KILL  HIM  !  " 


The  A.  C.  or  Week  End  Whiffling*. 
You  "re  out  of  date." 

"  Well,  I  'in  going  to  try,  anyway." 

"On  those  lines?  Being  decent  and 
leisurely  and  all  that?" 

"  Yes." 

"  I  congratulate  you  on  your  pluck— 
but  you  're  a  born  bankrupt." 


THE  SIMPLE  LIFE. 

["  Miss  EDNA  MAT  and  her  millionaire  husband 
are  going  to  live  the  simple  life."-  Daily 
Mirror.] 

I  ALWAYS  thought  myself 

(And  always  told  my  wife) 
I  seamed  superfluous  pelf 

And  loved  the  simple  life; 
And  though  my  better  half 
Might  laugh, 

Still  stoutly  I  insisted 
I  would  not  share  the  load  of  care 
Your  millionaire  is  bound  to  bear. 
In  cabs,  perhaps,  and  tipping  chaps 

I  might  not  be  close-fisted, 
But  on  the  whole,  thought  I,  no  soul 

Of  simpler  tastes  existed. 
For  long  I  stood  alone  ; 

All  thought  I  was  possessed 


Whenever  I  made  known 

The  creed  that  I  professed. 
But  now  a  kindred  mind 
I  find, 

Whose  view  is  mine  completely  ; 
I  note  with  glee  this  devotee 
Appears  to  see  the  world  like  me ; 
With  joy  I  read  the  Spartan  creed 

Depicted  here  so  sweetly  ; 
The  homely  round  that  she  lias  found 

Would  suit  me  very  neatly. 

The  seats  of  wealth  I  fly, 

Your  palaces  repel — • 
In  simple  manor  I 

Would  much  prefer  to  dwell. 
Give  me  a  lawn  where  blows 
The  rose 

And  hollyhocks  are  present, 
A  house  or  two  where  just  a  few 
Nice  orchids  do  the  winter  through  ; 
A  modest  shoot  of  copse  and  root 

I  fancy  would  be  pleasant, 
Where  I  should  not  refuse  to  pot 

The  inexpensive  pheasant. 

My  stables  should  not  lack 
Some  hunters — four  or  five — 

A  trotter  and  a  hack, 
A  cob  or  two  to  drive. 


No  simple  homely  sort 
Of  sport 

My  modest  tastes  disparage  ; 
I  love  the  sound  of  bell- voiced  hound 
When  fox   is  found  and   skims   the 

ground  ; 
Nor  do  I  bar  the  motor-car 

When  tired  of  coach  and  carriage, 
And  I  could  do  with  just  a  few 

Within  my  humble  garage. 

Then  what  can  people  see 

That  should  their  laughter  raise 
Whene'er  I  claim  to  be 

A  man  of  simple  ways  ? 
I  only  ask  to  munch 

For  lunch 

The  homeliest  kind  of  victual : 
Quite  pleased  1  am  with  chick  or  lamb 
And  just  a  dram  of  good,  dry  cham. 
For  sumpttious'fare  I  do  not  care 

The  smallest  jot  or  tittle— 
Upon  the  whole  was  ever  soul 

Content  with  such  a  little  ? 


Sporting  Candour. 
"LiES  for  dry  fly  fishing  differ  from 
those  with  which  the  novice  is  already 
acquainted  in  their  build." — Field. 


1TNCH.   OR   THK    LONDON    -  IIAIMV.MM. 


Till.    FATAL   -'I 

DEAB  Ml.  IVxm,    I  •• 
to  be  gool  to  assist 

•  this  will 

not  be  so  much  a  matter  •  ;' 
your  part  u  a  :'   iluiy. 

being  the  patron  of  hum 
bound 
sacriti. .  -I  their  nil  on  its  !••  h.df 

Mar  the    Ut  my   frii>n<l    was  a 
doctor  with  several  good  appoint: 
a  large  private  nroct io\  ample  family 


r  of  her  awful    fate,  and  add 

u  i  mlil 
are  a  th 
pOBsihilit 

•ersotful    (even    if 

•• 

Uttered          M-.      I  '..:••! 

'.us   little   indis 

•i  when  he  .irrivcil    :il    the  d.«T  of 

ens.      Hen'    a  detailed  description 

of  hi>  •  '•'ing   pnvrded  him) 

-   refu.-cd  admittance  on   tl.' 
picion  of  carrying  pepper  with    intent. 
At  first  he  treat' 
and  raised  a  prejini 
then  he  protested  and  inciin 
displeasure  f"r  blocking  the  entrance; 


expectations,   and  a   charm n 
He  had  had  an  energetic  and  a  pros- 
perous career,  but,  though    i 
joke,   he   had  on   principle  never   up   to 
that  day  made  one.     On  the  ,  \ening  in 

question   he  was  invited   to  dine  at  a   insisted  on  his  rights  ami  was  frowned 
restaurant   with    cvrtain   old    friends   of  on    as    a    brawler;     denied     and    wag 

-.  the  ultimate 

idea  being  to  attend  at  HI. ink's 
Circus,  and  there  to  see  a 
Young  Lady  (of  oth< 
modest  demeanour)  place  her 
bead  literally  inside  the  lion's 
mouth. 

Tlie  dinner  was  such  a  sober 
success  as  is  fitting  to  middle- 
aged  men  who  have  cheerful 
dispositions  to  satisfy  but  pro- 
fessional reputations  to  main- 
tain. My  friend,  not  to  be 
behind  in  contributing  to  the 
happiness  of  the  party,  deter 
mined  at  whatever  <  ost  to 
make  one  joke.  Sight  of  the 
pepper-|K.t  and  mention  of  tin- 
lion's  mouth  suggested  the 
material,  and  my  friend  put 
this  rhetoi  'ion  to  the 

company:  "What  if  we  by 
some  means  unknown  were  to 
secrete  popi^r  in  the  hair  of 
this  Young  Lady,  so  that 
when  she  put  her  head  into 
the  lion's  mouth  the  lion 
should  sneeze  ?  " 

I  do  not  ask   your  opinion   on  the 


Kitraft  from  a  letter  of  llie  Ju-jitiu  age.—"  DEAR  JACC, 

PERTBCTLT  CCT  fp.      I>OT   II M   THBOWX   ME  OVER  ! 


humour  or  the  originality  of  this  sugges- 
tion. I  merely  inform  you  that  it  hail 
been  reported  wr&nfimat  iheciicn*  before 
the  party  had  finished  it.-,  dinner  at  the 
restaurant.  It  m.iy  !-•  that  the  waiter, 
once  a  doctor  in  P°"t  who  had 
driven  out  of  the  ticld  by  tlie  .-ii|H-rior 


suspected   of  a   sinister   motive;    vitu- 
perated and  was  accused  of  being  drunk. 
At  this  stage  the  police  tissumed  control, 
and     my    friend     threw    away   his    last 
chance   by  his  own  folly.     VitUDtt 
impudent  and  violent  enough,  ha- 
kin.wn   to  succeed  on  similar  n-ca-ions, 

but   explanation*  can  onlv  make   bail 

•  .         .  • 


ability  of  my   friend.  U.re  my   fri.'iid  a  worse.     My  friend  tried   to' explain,  and 

grudge  and   «c-i/.cd   this  opportunity  of  was  at  once  taken   into  custody.      Liter 

doing    my    friend    an  injury.      Possibly  he  made  four  other  attempts  to  explain 

the  man  at   the   next    table   on    the  right  but   only    «  ,,,    conducing    his 

had  once  been  betrothed  to  the  Young. implore  by  the  fh>t  «,f  his  ah, .holism   b\- 

Lady,  had  been  jilted  by  h,  r.  Mill  loved  the  so<-,,nd  of  his  habitu.,!  mi  by 

ber.and  had  long  desired  to  heap  coals   the  third  of  his  insanity   arising   ,,-,„;, 

on    her  head   (she   h.,d    probably    habitual  aleoholi,m.  |,v  ,]„.  f,,,,,-,],  ,,f  |,js 

rred  the  tapper)  by  demonstrating  homicidal  mania  doe  to  inaanity  arising 
her  that,  howsoever  badly  sho  had    from  hhbitual  alcoholism.     .\ 

I     ! 


• 


*""•*'.   lie  max 


•  api  •  .intim 
His  private  pi.n 
III     His  f.imil  ions, 

IV.   II 


„'    to    further     proffered 
explanatio:  •,  ailing   trial  on 

a  char.  !  murder. 

\V1: 

for    my    friend  some 

:;ahle    and    remunerati 
in  th-  f  humour.     We  take  for 

'  granted     his    acquittal    mi     the     , 
charge.        !  nlarly 

.-hrewd  m. i-  in  that,  if  my  friend 

will  only  admit  all  the  f:,  i  with 

all   the  infcri-ii-  Irawu 

from  them  and  will  keep  his  mouth 
-hut,  he  will  !«•  all  right  on  a  technical 
defence.  Colin--.  1  is,  in  fai-t.  eoiilideilt 
of  U'ing  able  I  -fully  that, 

in   the  light  of  murder  is 

no  longer  a  crime. 

However,  you  will  we  that  my  friend's 
social  and  profi-ssional  ruin  is  already 
complete.  That  Ix-ing  so,  I 
will  refrain  from  pleading 
further,  and  will  be  content 
to  rely  on  your 
.\|KIVC  all  thii.  .  you 

not  to  treat  the   matter 
joke. 

Your  humble 
PETI  rn  'Miii. 

A   PUKL01NKI)   1'AI'KI!. 

[The    Biiliiiiimil     friiKtniMit    wai 
liroiiKlit  to  tlie  oflioeg  of  tin- 
liy  ail  anon  -li'iiian   with- 

uul   a  hat,  who  il.-in.in.Ii-.l   h,ilf-a- 
rrown  for  his  trouhlo.     If,  an  w» 

t,  Mr.  (i.  K    ('in 

Ix-i'ii     tlui    victim    of    a    high  nay 
robbery   we    one    him    the   usual 
apologies  as  accessories  after  the 
fact.      The    MS.    ia    i 
frayed  at  the  edges  and  bear 
of  ill-usa^'1.  heir--  i   tlirre 

illegible.     Bo:h  the  Ix-ginnin 
the  end  are  missing.     ' 

.l«    to    what   ln:iy   ll:l\' 
the  »uliji>  -t  of  tli- 

because    the 

truth  about   tin  man 

has    never    been    t->ld.     The 
real    truth  about  the  a  .m    is 

that  he  does  not  e.xist.  11 
like  the  gryphon  and  the  ph<i>tii.v.  to  the 
realms  of  heraldry  and  romance.  We 
might  reasonably  expect  to  find  him  in 
'he  ]"'sition  of  keeper  ill  a  kind  of 
insane  Zoo  for  blue  boon  and  w\\erns 
and  two-headtil  dragons,  but  nowhere 
eke.  The  voice  of  modern  science,  how- 
ever, according  to  Mr.  I'.i.urHKoim  of 
Tin-  I'liiriini.  is  distinctly  against  the 
possibility  of  two  headed  dra:.: 

In  the  face  of  this  cosmic  fact  n  ithing 
remains  for  any  sincere  and  courageous 
man  but  to  •••ly  a 

humorist.       There     is.     : 
in-'-d    for  a   defence   of   jokes.      Like  all 
.-miple   and    elemental    things    they    aiu 

commonly    misunderstood.     The 

obvious   tiling  alxmt  a  g'xnl  joke  is  that 

.i    ttoiililoome    and    even    painful 

ihing  to  make.     The  man  who  makes 


-I  AM 


JUNE  12,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


423 


good  jokes  is  nearly  always  a  serious 
person  with  ;i  bald  head.  One  must  he 
very  happy  in  order  to  make  had  jokes  : 
in  other  words  one  must  be  an  optimist. 
There,  is,  of  course,  a  philosophy  of  jokes, 
just  as  there  is  a  philosophy  of  buttons. 
it  is  part  of  the  sumptuous  folly  of  adoles- 
cent manhood  to  suppose  that  bad  jokes 
are  not  worth  making.  This  is  ad- 
mirably shown  in  that  poignant  utterance 
of  mediaeval  realism,  the  harlequinade. 
In  the  harlequinade  the  two  who  jest 
are  the  middle-aged  clown  and  the 
senile  pantaloon ;  the  harlequin  says 
nothing.  The  explanation  is,  as  usual, 
perfectly  obvious.  For  the  solemn, 
masked  figure  of  the  harlequin  stands 
for  the  eternal  young  man  who  has 
made  up  his  mind  only  to  say  things 
that  are  worth  saying 

The  question  very  naturally  arises 
here,  How  is  one  to  know  when  a  joke 
is  good  and  when  it  is  bad  ?  The 
answer  is  abysmally  simple  :  one  cannot 
know.  There  exists  no  way  of  trying  it 
on  the  dog,  and  in  the  absence  of  that 
cowardly  and  inhuman  expedient  there 
can  be  no  perfectly  flawless  test.  Per- 
sonally, however,  I  may  say  that  I  try 
them  on  myself.  If  they  are  good 
enough  for  me  they  are  good  enough  for 

the and  as  it  is  a  daily 

paper  it  docs  not  matter  so  much. 
When,  however,  I  finally  put  them  into 
a  book  I  discard  the  weaker  ones. 

On  the  advantages  of  being  a 
humorist  there  is  much  to  be  said,  but 
from  motives  of  delicacy  I  shall  not  say 
it.  There  are  a  large  number  of 
humorists  in  Fleet  Street,  though  on 
this  subject,  too,  a  great  amount  of  mis- 
conception exists.  Meet  Street  is  not  a 
place  but  a  state  of  the  soul.  On  reflec- 
tion I  am  astonished  to  find  what  an 
incalculable  number  of  misconceptions 
exists  on  all  sorts  of  subjects.  It  is  just 
as  well.  Of  all  the  dark  and  appalling 
nightmares  which  have  troubled  the 
imagination  of  man  since  first  lie  began 
to  dream,  none  has  exceeded,  for  sinister 
and  blasphemous  horror,  the  conception 
of  a  world  in  which  nothing  is  left  to  be 
explained  by  the  superior  journalist.  .  . 

There  are  two,  and  only  two,  ways  of 
looking  at  a  subject.  You  may  look  at 
it  standing  on  your  heels,  or  you  may 
look  at  it  standing  on  your  head.  If 
you  adopt  the  common  and  conventional 
plan  of  standing  on  your  heels  you  will 
see  nothing  in  a  hansom-cab  but  a  two- 
wheeled  vehicle  with  a  number  on  the 
back.  But  if  you  look  at  it  standing  on 
your  head  (preferably  in  the  middle  of 
Piccadilly)  it  will  at  once  become  a  thing 
of  amazing  spiritual  import. 

This  plan  has  therefore  striking 
advantages  ;  but  it  has  one  extraordinary 
disadvantage:  it  has  the  extraordinary 
disadvantage  that  it  will  almost  certainly 
attract  the  attention  of  the  common 


Aunty.  "  WILLIE,  AX  AXGEL  BROUGHT   TOUR  MAMMA  seen  A  NICE  NEW  BROTHER  FOR  ton  LAST 
NIOIIT.     WOULDN'T  you  I.IKE  TO  SEE  THE  DEAU  LITTLE  I:ABT  ?  " 
Willie.  "  No  ;  err  I  'D  LIKE  TO  SEE  THE  ANGEL." 


policeman.  It  is  a  curious  result  of  our 
complex  civilisation  that  our  most  spon- 
taneous impulses  are  apt  to  be  checked 
by  the  intervention  of  the  common 
policeman.  In  a  certain  sense  he  serves 
to  protect  us  from  the  tyranny  of  the 
individual  bad  man,  but  in  another  and 
much  larger  sense  he  serves  to  impose 
upon  us  the  tyranny  of  the  collective 
good  man.  The  real  truth  about  the 
common  policeman  —  but  I  said  that 
about  the  average  man  .... 

In  certain  conceivable  circumstances 
any  one  of  us  might  become  the  object 
of  the  common  policeman's  peculiar 
care.  In  other  words  we  are  all  of  us 
liable,  at  some  supreme  moment  of  our 
lives,  to  be  arrested  on  suspicion.  This 
is  the  simplest  expression  of  the  doctrine 
of  original  sin.  It  might  happen  to  an 
ordinary  Dean.  But  for  an  ordinary 
Dean  to  be  arrested  on  suspicion  could 
only  be  the  result  of  a  silly  misunder- 
standing, for  no  suspicion  can  possibly 


'attach  to  a  Dean.  A  Dean  is  a  man 
who  has  parted  with  almost  all  the 
privileges  of  manhood  in  exchange  for 
an  absolute  immunity  from  slander. 

In   the  book  which  I  am  at  present 
reviewing  .... 

(Here  tlie  fragment  abruptly  ends.) 


Is  a  General  Election  at  Hand? 

"  To  bo  Disposed  of,  a  Private  Collection  of 
Minerals  and  Fossils,  with  or  without  fitted 
cabinet.  Parliament  Chambers,  Westminster, 
S.W."—  Morning  Post. 

THF.  address  is  certainly  rather  sug- 
gestive. 

"  Llandilo  Council  met  on  Tuesday,  when  it 
was  agreed  to  gratefully  accept  Ix>rd  Dynevor's 
gift  of  a  recreation  space  for  a  pathway.  His 
Lordship  offered  the  outer  side  of  the  part  at 
1«.  a  year." — South  Wales  Daily  Post. 

We  are  a  little  doubtful  as  to  what  has 
happened,  but  we  quite  see  that  it  is  a 
great  day  for  Llandilo. 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK    LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


190T. 


MILITIA   TRAINING. 
Spartan  Mother.  "\Vtii.,  I 'H  THASKFM.  OUR  BILL  AIH'T  I-WASTIX'  'is  TIME  LIKE  THAT!" 


TIIK  AMKIIU  '.VMS  \TI«)N   <>F 
LONDON. 

Now  that   the   puhlie  taMe  has 
strongly  towards  American  play-.,  it   is 
time  ili.it   -onielxly  liegan  to  bring  the 
drama*  of   Wii-i.itu   K.  SIUKM-M 
Stnitft.nl «. n  Avon   City,   Warw.,    up   to 
liiou    <if    Amerii-aiiirtini; 
Kii^li-h  hii<i-esM»s  bat  come  to  stay.     It 
appears  that  we  arc  to  h.ivr  .m  Ameri 
canned  M-rsinn  of  The  Orchid  shortly. 
The   following   in  a   more  outline,  hut 
mi»{lit  be  expanded,  on  reasonable  ' 
for  lli-in.iii  SrniKiiv  or  Ili-iii.. ii  KDOOW, 
HliniiM  1-itlnT  nf  them  conunission  the 

ll'imlrt. 

. — Btinlrment*  at  Eltinore. 
JAB.  P.  HAiiurr,  »on  of  tin- 

Prtf  ll»i:Ul" 

CEi  •  Eltinore  foolbaU-teani). 

HamUt.  Say,  (ellera,  about   th. 
spinit. 

<i 'h<.»t.   S.iy.  \l\xicr. 

II    > 

I  m    your    pop.      Your    strj 
murdered  me. 


//.  You  don't  say  ? 

O.  Sure.     Poure<l  poison  in  my  ear. 
I  was  easy  fruit.    Suy,  HAMLET,  it  's  up 

to  you. 

//.  Sure.  [Kf'it  Ch.^t. 

The  rain,;:     F.,,l,  ;•  IhMl.Ki,  irilh 

I-IIAM7    iiinl   til  III' 
jJnnnoreg  of  tin'  Klsinore  I'tii  n-rsitii  . 

llninl.-i.  Say,  f.'ll. 
/,'.  n,,.l(!.   iluli. 

//.  (!ne>s  we'll   have  sutne  tlu-atricals 
lii-re.      <  inaii'l  C"fnill  Miine:\ll  wi«.| 

/.'   midC.   Siir.v         '!•:*,•;},(  /,'.  nuil  <',. 

II.    <ll|i—     I     II     IlKlke    ~l.-|.   pnp     sit     lip, 

the  1  .ill. 

SCKSK      Tli<-    I'.il,!.;;       Til,' 


The   /Mni«/i   l'rc*idciit.    S.-iy.    IhMiu. 

k     of     the     Wi.nU     \\llll     volt? 

What  V  tin  ...ill.  any  iv 

.•h. 

VV,.  ||,,]y 

ist  have 

xiuiiK  ilh-Mo  \,,i  -..  wi.pl.      This 

it  all   alioiit  me  iiivl    the  ri'lellt. 

Y«8,  there  I  go  pouring  poison  in  his 


//.   Like  the  play.  |H'|>  ? 

Tin-  I'l-i-nidi-iit.  Vurrv  liriijlit.  IK\in.i, 
vurry  bright.  :  ..li'\ille  all  the 

way. 

//.  iiii  it  sinixti-r  milliner'.   Sure. 

Tin-     /',i/.i.v.        /.'   '.  p    //„•     /',-,-- 
fidi-nt,     hi*    iri/i-.    II  \\ii.i.r.     I,' 

kXTZ,   (ii  II.IM A-ll.l:v.    I.M  Kll>.   ,md 

(ill    till'    ('/(liri/i'/iT.t    Iflm    III'.'    li'ft    ill'in- 

afti-r  preceding  .!'•'. 
ll'iiutft.  And     now    fur    a    bully    ol<l 

li.ll^ll      !i  /fill,      tllld 

ii-ifi-.)     That  's    the 
!  man  /  am. 
//.    nnd   '.'.  I'l'n-iii'i   l'nll,y    i/<'//i.    Kali! 

Kah!     Elsinore!    'l!ah!     l.'a'h !     Hal,1 

//.    (/••    l.-n  /'/'  I        I  '.liv     In    f<  lice    with 

'M'l  raj. it-re? 

/      S  Tin  i< 

II     i  |..|   \.  ii  p  \\'ini ml*  him. 

I..    Hail    you    then.       <\\'niinds    hitii.i 

Up. 
//.     Me   f'T  the  golden   - 

Die*. 

/,'    and  0.    Kah'     K'ah!      Klt-inore ! 

l.'ah!       1,'ah  !       I- 

'  'urtain. 


03 


O 

I 

O 


a 


03 
O 

U3 
O 


.Tixi;  12,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


487 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

KNTIIV  TUP  nioM  rin:  DIARY  OF  TODY,  M.I'. 

//OK.XV  nf  <  '<»n  minis,  Momlui/, Jim- 
Again,  as  on  threshold  of  last  u 
crowdi'd  llon-e  e  iger  t •>  hear  fate  o) 

;. 


"This  Session     Next  Si 


(Sir  Henry  C.-B.) 

Members   and   measures    during    what 

remain*     of     Session.       Announcement 

cannot    possibly   be   further   postponed. 

A  faint  cheer  welcomed  O.-B.'s  rising  to 

explain.     Curiously  halting  in  manner. 

A  good  man  struggling  with 

the  adversity  of  too  many  pro- 

mises given,  too  little  time  for 

their    I'ullilment.      Deadlock, 

he  affably  explained,  due  en- 

tirely to  Autumn  Session  and 

those  pesky  draftsmen.    If  the 

measures  promised  in  KING'S 

Speech  were  only  ready,  Minis- 

ters  would    be    delighted   to 

urge  them  forward.     Rut,  like 

the  famous  Six  Army  Corps, 

they   are   not    yet    embodied, 

Moral,   no   more  Autumn  Ses- 

sions; whereat  House  heartily 

el  leered. 

Taking  KING'S  Speech  in 
hand  and  reciting  list  of  pro- 
mised measures,  ('.-!$.,  with 
pretty  coyness,  dealt  with  them 
after  the  fashion  of  the  love- 
sick maiden  tearing  the  rose- 
leaf  by  leaf  with  old  refrain  : 
"Jle  loves  me,  lie.  loves  me 
not." 

"  Xext  Session."  said  lie. 
plucking  the  Licensing  Bill 
olV  the  stalk  and  dropping  it 
on  the  llcxir.  "  This  Session," 


Mimed,  tearing  olT  the  Army  Mill. 
"Next  Session,"  IrUh  I'niversily  Bill; 
•This  Session,"  Small  Holdings  Bill, 

and  SO  on  to  tin1  end.  Out  of  sixteen 
infant  liilU  se\en  are  aliandoned  by 
their  ruthless  pan  at, 

When  the  halting 
speech,  d  ra 
over  three  c|uarters 
of  an  hour,  was 
brought  to  an  end. 
PRINCE  Airnni; 
romped  in  and  glee- 
fully battered  PRK- 
MII:I(  about  the  head. 
"1  do  not  be- 
lieve," he  said, 
"  that  any  Govern- 
ment on  the  1st  of 
June  ever  promised 
so  many  first-class 
Bills  not  yet  even 
introduced,  to  be 
passed  in  the  same 
Session." 

It  was  not  the  1st 
nf  Juiie.butthe  3rd. 
That  an  immaterial 
detail.  Precision 
in  dates  or  other 
figures  not  PRINCE 
ARTHUR'S  speciality. 
But  he  made  a  good 
fighting  speech  that 
roused  spirit  on  <  ip- 
position  Benches. 
House  straightway  resuming  Com- 
mittee on  Army  Bill,  Members  with  one 
consent  fled,  leaving  in  possession  of  field 
a  rear-guard  of  some  score  of  military 
men.  Complaint  made  of  hardships  of 


.r.i     Suim'time  -  Never!" 


"IxsvTIABI.E   TlIIIlST   FOR  INFORMATION." 

(Mr.  W-lfr-d  Asbl-y.) 

the  Yeomanry,  HOWARD  VINCENT,  humbh 
presenting  himself  as  "  an  Infantry  man." 
asked  Committee  to  consider  other  side 
of  the  shield.  The  magnificent  uniform 
of  the  Yeomen  gave  them  great  ad- 
vantage in,  as  he  delicately  put  it,  "  any 
circle  they  affected."  The  King's  West- 
minsters in  their  sober  garb  had  no 
chance  with  the  Yeoman,  his  plumes 
waving  in  the  wind,  his  garments  re- 
splendent in  the  setting  sun. 

This,  the  nearest  approach 
to  poetry  reached  in  Com- 
mittee, had  remarkable  effect 
on  subsequent  division.  The 
amendment  against  which  the 
lyric  was  directed  was  rejected 
by  a  majority  of  200,  the 
maximum  attainment  of  the 
sitting. 

Business  done. — Army  Bill 
in  Committee. 

Tuesday. — WILFRID  ASIII.KV  s 
thirst  for  information  is  insati- 
able. One  would  think  from 
number  and  variety  of  ques- 
tions he  puts  down  day  after 
day  that  he  knew  nothing 
when,  at  General  Election,  he 
was  returned  for  Blackpool. 
On  the  contrary  he  thinks  he 
knows  a  great  deal.  His  ques- 
tions are,  in  fact,  designed 
rather  to  give  information  than 
to  elicit  it.  The  Army  Bill 
now  in  Committee  will  be 
known  in  history  as  HAI.HANK'S. 
But  X\lY>t.r.o\-  M.,  an  honest 
man,  will  readily  admit  that 
both  in  debate  and  at  Question 


' 


H  N<  II.   M|;   Till-    LONDON    ril.MMVMM. 


I:'. 


THE  Oi. 

SlnJ*  oj  iMitrtnet  (to  Jtt.  lion.  John  Morley).  "  Well  done,  Mr.  Morley  !     It's  good  to  fiud 
the  old  dauutltsi  oourege  itill  alive  at  headquarters." 

It  would  have  been  absurd  (or  us  Dot  to  us?  the  weipon  given  us  by  the  Act  of  1  - 
prevent  mu-li  .1  diuMer,  ami  I,  fur  one,  li.ive  no  n|«logy  whatever  to  offer  ....     Hritis'i  rule  in 
ludia  nill  continue,  oaght  to  (••uilinur,  n:id  mutt  <  u  iti  me."— Mr.  M'irleij,  June  0.) 


time  Asiiuv.  who  isn't  Captain  of  the 
H.iinp-hiie  .Militia  fi>r  nothing,  lias 
taught  him  a  tiling  or  two. 

l..y    A-MIA      I    n:can    A-IIIM 
tunic.)  ii|M>n  Si;:\i  IIKY,  an  representing 
Hoard  nf   Agriculture,   and    ]<><<!   liim 
with  sudden  pnvciit  iti.'ii  of  an  in.solulilc 
problem. 

"\Vlien,"  he  sternly  asked,  "docs  a 
puppy  '*•<•""»•  a  dog ''.  " 

Sil:vllM  lamely  answer,  d  thai,  in  the 
eyes  of  the  law,  M  dog  doubtleM  includes 
puppjr." 

In  view  of  tin-.  mMatwbctorjr  reply. 

A -in  M  vvas  templed  in  movclhcadjourii- 

.  i  in   ir1lii-ti>in   In-   ]  .-i, ,  i\.-d  (hat 

dcli.ii.  tin  ini|-.ii    woiilil   ini.-r 

ili  ( 'iiiiiiuiiii-<-  -\:iw  '•(  Army  Hill, 

illld    .M-    pn-M-nt     l|rli\r-r\     i  f    i.llf    or    two 

little  t-i-iflu-.  In    had    |  •  r  that 

Thf    l-.d.iin-'-     of    advantage 
Iwing  against  lii-  imptllw,  lie  rr-i-lnl  it. 
tnd  then-  Htill    lai-kn   iiiitlmriliitivr  jinlg- 
'ii  the  i|in>lioii.  \Vln-n   i-  a  puppy 
,i-r  a  puppy  liiil  .1  d"g  'f 
Illltiw*     ilitnr.       Still     . 

at  Anny  Hill. 

\\  f-!n,  fl'i'j      >..|iii'  iiiKvrlainty  alxmt 


f  PAT  Suvni,  process  KOI-VCT.  Cap 
tain  CltU<:  anm-d  him  in  this  afternoon. 
Tlirongh  iiu-diiim  of  <|ne>ti<m  addivssrd 
In  CIIIKK  SKI-IIKTAIIV  told  a  pitiful  story. 
About  the  hour  of  I  •  •  !  <k  on  what 
should  have  U-en  a  hright  Mayday.  I'M. 
hitn)lling  in  the  leafy  lanes  that  girdh 


At  henry,    \\a-s 
marauders,    cut 


t    IIJKJII 
on     the 


I'v    unknown 
head,     "am 


llep-    -ulijerl    dn.ppid;    but  obvioudy 

il  cannot  !«•  left  when-  n   fell.       Il 
the  lirsl  time  that  a  dillicully  in  identify 
ing  ata-ailanls  in  a  sudden  onslaught  has 
ill'!    oil   . 

had  dealings  with  men  in  liuckram  nmre 
than    three    hundicd    vcai-    In-fore    I'M 
Svmiivvas   cut    en    the    head    and        de 
priveil  of  a  revolver"  in  the  pinii 
Atheniy. 

l-'lilth.T   II. el  IV    . 

ing  in  Committi  >•  of  Army  Hill. 

II,,:  '  .. !••/.«.       'J'lltll-.-'lillJ.          I  .old 

Ni  vv  ION,    w  hose    activity    in     : 
reforming      I'loccduie     las     not 

ivkcd  hy  refeiem  e  of  his  Hill  to  Select 
Committ.v.  offeis  i:.  -li..n  He 

thinks     that,    in    v  icw    of     a|  pn  adi    to 

:.  i      Illplislimcllt    of     I 

threat    against    their   partner   in   h 
lion,  it  will    lie   well    if  the  -.rvieewith 

which   each    silting  is  o|  en.  d  si Id    If 

evlended.        It  ul.i,.  d     to    the 

ri'ading   of  a    \  raver.      \Vliy  not    have  a 
hymii  ks  the  nohle  lonl. 

I!.- linds  one  appropriate  to  time  and 

circumstance   in   the   familiar   veis*     I  .-. 
ginning  : 

"  And  :irp  we  still  a!ive,  and  see  e.-ch  other's 

No  one  knows  what  will  happen  after 
the  17th.  iMlh,  or  whatever   lie   tl  • 
when    C.-H.    introduces    \n*    Kesxilulioll. 
Much  heller  sing  whilst  we  can. 

JSti. vines*  <lone.—  Indian  Budget  iutro 
due.-.!  in  Conin. 

House  of  Commons,  J-'rnhn/.  In 
opening  scene  of  the  play  which -in 
spite  of  precedent  created  in  anal 

f    Tltc  Mil.tiilii  and  the  vi-it  to  l>  n 
I    a    .lap::n  .-e  1'iinie     it  has  l>een 


deprived  if  a  revolver  which  lie  was 
obliged  to  carry  for  his  own  protection." 
"  What  sli  -p-  are  tin-  p.'lii  e  taking  in 
tin-  matter?  asked  the  gallant  Captain 
with  a  choke  in  hi-  throat  as  he  thought 
1.  1  -irieken  I'M. 

Ai  LI  -MM:     made    answer    xvhich 
<  IMI  ke<l  the  swelling  Hi  MM  I  ..f  sympathy.  ' 
On  the  afternoon  in  i|iiesiion.  I'M.  "  who 
had    a  slight    cut    oil  the  head."  n  ; 
In  the  p.  .lire  that   he  had   I  cell    a-smlted  ' 
hy  two   men.      Me   made   no   mention  of! 

I    a   stick    had 
taken  from  him.      Subsequently  he  adde 


.Iver  to  the  catalogue  of   jilunder. 
•  nlify  the  a--ailant-. 
'    I'M    SMMII."    the    Clin  t 

the  time  of  the 


t  ..f  th;il  li.l.-li-r.  Mi 
<l  II.  it  I'  rk-r.) 


JUXE  12,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


420 


OLYMPIA. 


First  Sloid  Party.  "  Wr.i.t,  WHAT  DO  TOD  THINK  OF  IT  ?  " 

Seconds.  P.  " NOTHING  BIT  A  CIRCUS,  I  CALL  IT.    Now,  SUPPOSE  YOU  on  I  wnr.E  TO  BUT  THAT  HOCSE,  YOU  WOULDN'T  CATCH  IUM  juiirixo 

QATES   I.IKE  THAT  WITH   ONE   OF   US  !  " 


devilled  shall  not  be  prohibited  during 
stay  of  King  of  DENMARK,  Hamlet  recalls 
series  of  dread  portents  happening 

In  tlie  most  high  and  palmy  state  of  Rome, 
A  little  ere  the  mightiest  JULIUS  fell. 
GIUIERF  PARKER  doesn't  want  to  make 
too  much  of  what  may  be  a  pointless 
accident.  All  the  same  he  has  felt  it 
lus  duly  to  rail  attention  to  a  singular 
event  happening  the  other  day,  in 
which  one  of  his  constituents  played 
a  prominent  part.  Fishing  in  the 
Thames  below  Hole  Haven,  and  medi- 
tating upon  the  accumulated  iniquities 
of  the  Government,  the  Constituent, 
who  has  always  voted  straight,  caught, 
not  a  crab,  but  a  lobster  of  pheno- 
menal si/e.  Sir  GILBERT,  who,  though  a 
distinguished  novelist,  never  remain  vs. 
testifies  that  the  monster  "  measured 
28^  inches  from  the  tail  to  the  pinccr  ; 
the  body  was  18  inches  in  length,  the 
claws  1C  inches,  and  the  weight  7 
pounds." 

If  this  doesn't  moan  that  C.-R.  and 
his  lot  will  be  bundled  out  of  office 
next  year,  Gravesend  would  like  to 
know  what  other  explanation  there  is 
of  the  portent. 

Business  done.  —  Consideration  of 
Deceased  Wife's  Sister  Bill. 


THE  NEW  LEAF. 

(On  reading  some  Adrift  on  Health  in  almost 
any  daily  paper.) 

MY  Lrnix,  now  we  're  up  in  years, 

At  times,  I  think,  we  grow  reflective, 
And  glimpse  with  no  unmanly  fears 

The  Darkness  in  the  dim  perspective  ; 
But  still,  with  half  our  candle  burnt 

(Or  thereabouts),  in  sober  quiet 
We  take  our  wine,  nor  yet  have  learnt 

To  quarrel  with  our  wonted  diet. 

But  if  as  yet  with  even  beat 

<  >ur  pulses  throb,  if  still  we  step  it 
With  some  assurance  in  the  street, 

The  wonder  grows  we're  not  decrepit. 
For  why  ?     The  door  on  health  he  shuts 

(See  letters  to  a  morning  journal) 
Who  fails  to  make  his  lunch  off  nuts, 

With  forty  bites  to  every  kernel. 

And  (Ibid.}  we,  if  we  aspire 

To  go  about  no  longer  fearful 
Of  wild  bacilli,  must  acquire 

The  mulish  mind  that  trill  lie  cheerful. 
So  let  us  smile,  and  smile  again, 

And,    when    the    cogs    of   life    want 

oiling, 
Draw  ichor  from  the  water-main, 

And  drink  a  jugful — nearly  boiling. 


Then,  should  we  learn  to  share  the  view 

That  climbing  trees  has  tonic  virtue, 
Be't   yours  each  morn   to    mount  my 

yew 
(The   araucaria's    spikes    might    hurt 

. yo«) ; 

\\  hile  I,  remembering  happier  dawns 
That  found  my  head  upon  the  pillow, 

Will  hie  me  to  riparian  lawns 

And,    pensive,    climb    the    mournful 
willow. 

And  we  will  practise,  now  and  then, 

A  wholesome  discipline,  commended 
For  helping  growth — not  mental — when 

Our  evening  meal  of  nuts  is  ended. 
Each  sideways  seated  on  his  chair 

Shall  exercise  the  lumbar  muscles 
By  bending  backwards  till  his  hair 

Sweep    once     again    the    well-swept 
Brussels. 

Then  come,  my  LUDIN,  let 's  eschew 

Old    ways,   old    wine,   and    common 

raiment 
(For  which,  if  half  one  reads  be  true, 

Time  will  exact  an  awful  payment) ; 
Thus    shall    we   grow    more    hale    and 
strong  — 

At  least,  Hygeia's  pundits  deem  so ; 
Thus  shall  our  span  of  life  be  long — 

At  any  rate  it 's  bound  to  seem  so. 


!   Q 


1TNVII.    i»R   TIIK 


CHARIVARI. 


l-J.  1907. 


Ill    -Sines  AM<  I 
I    n xx»    already  said    • 
ifraid   of   my    I  ions. 
no  need  for  in. 

are   other    motives    than    fear    which 
prevent  a  man  fn>m  arguing  w  ith  ' 
keepers;    dislike  of  eonvensnt i. >n   with 

•.tcllivtiial    inferiors  may  be 
the  sporting  instinct  is  certainly  another. 
[f  Ode  i-  to  play  "  Mcdi*  and   1'er- 
properly  one  must  lie  a  sportsman  about 
it.      Of  course    I    could  say  ~ 
right  out   to  her.   '   lK.  this." 
In-  xxoiild  do  it.     Or  she 
:   say   right   out    to  me, 

U- absurd."     Hut  that 
v.oiddn  I  be  the  g.. 

As  I  play  it,  a  "  Mede  "  is 
a  law  which  tin-  lays  down, 
and  to  xxhich  -after  many  n 
struggle)  in  the  end  1  sub 
mil  ;  in  "  is  a  laxv 

which  /  lay  down,  and  to 
which  .  .  .  after  many  a 
struggle  ...  in  the  end  .  .  . 
(when  it  is  too  Liloi  .  .  .  Well, 
there  are  many  Mede*,  but  so 
far  I  have  only  scored  one 
I'er-ian  of  note. 

The  first  Mode  was  . 
lislu-d  last  winter.  For  many 
weeks  I  had  opened  my  Ud 
r  »ini  door  of  a  morning  to 
(i  id  n  small  jug  of  cold  water 
01  tin-  mat  outside.  The 
thing  pu/./lcd  me.  What  do 
I  want  with  a  small  jug  of 
cold  wnter,  I  asked  n 
when  I  have  cpiite  enough  in 
the  l»ath  an  it  is?  Various 
happy  thoughts  cxvurred  to 
me— as  that  it  was  lucky,  that 
it  collecti-d  the  germ-,  or  u  ho 
knows?)  indicated  a  wife  with 
five  thousand  a  year  — but  it 
Was  a  month  In-fore  the  r.-.d 

solution  Hashed  arrows  my 
mind.  "  Perhaps, "  I  said, 
"it  was  hot  ouiv.  Hut,"  I 
added,  "  it  must  have  been  a 
long  time  ago." 

Toe  discovery  upset  me  a 
good  deal   In  the  first  place  it  i 


:  i    .ill    right 

' 
My    II..L  ili'f.v 

well.     XXC     XXollld     See     \vlhl 
COIlld    I 

.ifl.-r  two  months   it  v. 
have  lliis  triumph  OUT  her.     That 
i,  I    take    tin-  \\atrr  ill   I  .  . 
it  into  tin'   li.iih  anil   slip  hack   in' 

I  il.in't  think  slu-  knows  that. 
Since    then    there    haxe    I  <•«  n     many 
I.:il!.-    •  OH   as    to    tin-    )'• 


of  the  chairs ;    bigger  ones 


Y..i-  >AW  UF.  rrr  vom  WATV-H  is  vocn  UtXttmauxrl" 


14  Y.'l    .  XN    Mil     IT   Will.    IV   THE   IIASDKEBCIIIEK?" 
"You   CAS    HEAR   IT  TIC-KIN  "YES,   BIT — 

"  Yn,   BIT   WHAT?" 

"Mr  WATTO  HADN'T  BEES  ooixo  SINCE  I  TOOK  THE  WORKS  OUT  AT 
scaooL." 


affair   mad.-  a  xxbich 

•  ii.nvn    to  my    friend-   .1-   "  Sunday 

in    the    !•',  !nx.-    his 

family  to  church."      i 

had    yet    another   animal     a   green    frog 

climbing   a   cardboard    ladder.      I    leant 

-1    the    clock.      <>nc-    had    the 

u    that  tin'   frog  xvas  climbing   up 

K  at    i  lie-  works    which 

•darly    pleasing    Ix-cau-e    the 

dock  dldli 

\\.-II.      You   have  the  • 

on    the    same    mantel  hoard.        due-,    the 
frog    as    Iloiid     Str.-«-t    watch- 
r   and    jewi-ller.   and  the 
other  .-neb  is  1  \i  l:l'  x 

,  th.'  h.-art  of  the  t 
And     what    does    t 

If      you     xx  ill 

•  iki-s    the 

ilown  from  the  dock  and  pr. 
him  ii|)  iVhind  the  car,  just 
.1-  though  he  wen'  getting  on 
t  .  it  in  order  to  go  to  church 
with  the  ot! 

Now  I  do  put  it  to  you  that 
this     is    simply    Spoiling    the 
picture    altogether.       Here    we 
Lave      a      plea- ml       dome-tic: 
episode,    such    a-   must 
lie.jiiently     in      the      African 
|ti  \'  K  .loi  harnesses 
his   hor-e.  elephant,  hippopo- 
tamus    or     what      not,     and 
drives    his    family  to   th.'    1 1 
k     service.        And     into 
of  rural  simplicity 
a    men-     hou.-ekecpiT    ellxiws 
her  way  with   irrelevant  frogs 
and  ladders! 

It   i  •  i>   to   me   that 

she    cannot    s-cc    hoxv    ah.-iud 
her  contribution  is.     To  i 
xxith,   the  family    is   in    black 
-ave   the    hipl.opotamus,  x\  ho 
is   in  a  ciniet    .  is    it 

likely  that  they  would  tolerate 
the     pre-eiice     of     a     garish 
green   and  -yellow      stringer? 
than     likely    .loK 

churchwarden,   and    ha- 

oiily     himself     to     think     of 
Then,  again,  consider  the  title 
of     the-    scene  :      "  Al  llh'A     .loi: 

his    family  .      .  "    not 


Hiiildenly  to  have  all  one's  hopes  of  a  rich 

wife  and  protection  from  disease  d 

to  the  ground;  in  the  second,  I  object 


numl-crof  blankets  on   the   }»•<].       You  I  "  .it  to  drive-."    The: 

mustn't    think,    though,    that     I    al\v:r  ••  ing.  the  elephant    1  :•  „'  up- 


suhmit  so  •  I  am  lirm. 

In   the-  mailer  of  "  AH:ICX  .I..I.       1    have 


to  anybody   but  a  relation   interfering  IR-.-H  \ery  lirm.     Ih-re.   I   kin.-.v.  I   have 
..i  11  ii  •   i  .  -i 


right  on  my  side. 

ago    1    xvas   pre-entcd    with   a 
model  h  jolting  car  -xxith 

and  ii  ...'Ii  I.-'  : 


with    my    moral    charact.  r      II.  o-    xvas 
a  comparative  stranger  trying  to 
the    habits    of    early    rising    into    me 
by  leaving  ahaving-w:r 

door  at  3  A.M.     Was  this  a  thing  to  be  rut  out  of  some  sort  of  black  wood.     The 

thing  used   to  stand  over  my  In 


ken  lying  down  ? 

Decidedly.    So  I  stayed  in  bed   and    I 
ignored  the  water-jug;   save  that  cnch   f 

morning,  as  I  left  my  roon  •  Th>- ••  I  hai 

a  parting  sneer.     It  was  gone  by   the   in   fr  e;    and  the  whole 


lifted,    and    exeii    the    hipp..| 
not    in    a    position   of    re-t.       Ilmv    then 
could  the  frog  put  a  ladder  up  against  a 
moving  cart,  and   climb   in?      N. 
anvhoxv  x\.  i  hat  must 


at  all  costs.      On  the 


of  All:l<  A 


.loi:  I  xvould  not  be  dictated  to. 

aft.-r  re  em]ihasising  i. 
daily   for   i  !  that    there 

do.     Tilt    frog 
if  Kmpire. 
So  I  l>urnt  him. 

I 'iiit    it    is   time    1    mentioned    my   one 


JUNE  12,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


431 


Persian.  It  was  this  way.  In  the 
winter  I  used  always  to  dry  myself  after 
llio  bath  in  front  of  my  sitting-room 
fire.  Now  I  know  all  about  refraction, 
and  the  difficulty  of  siring  into  a  room 
from  outside,  and  so  forth,  but  this  par- 
ticular room  is  unusually  light,  having 
six  large  windows  along  one  of  its  sides. 
1  thought  it  proper,  therefore,  to  draw 
down  the  three  end  blinds  by  the  fire- 
place; more  especially  as  the  building 
directly  opposite  belonged  to  the  Public 
House  Reform  Association.  In  the  fierce 
light  which  beats  from  Reform  tUK 
ciations  one  cannot  be  too  careful. 
(Incidentally,  this  building  is  labelled 
"  P.R.H.A.,"  whicli  Icxiks,  from  the  order 
of  the  letters,  as  though  somebody  con- 
neeted  with  the  association  had  at  least 
a  working  knowledge  of  his  subject.) 

Little  things  like  blinds  are 
apt  to  escape  my  memory,  and 
it  was  obvious  that  it  would 
be  much  pleasanter  if  the 
housekeeper  could  be  trained 
always  to  leave  the  end  three 
down.  The  "  training,"  need- 
less to  say,  followed  its  usual 
course. 

Kvery  morning  I  found  the 
blinds  up,  and  every  morning 
I  drew  them  down  and  left 
them  (here.  After  a  month  it 
seemed  impossible  that  I 
could  ever  establish  my  Per- 
sian. But  then  she  forgot 
somehow  ;  and  one  day  I  woke 
up  to  find  the  three  blinds 
down. 

By  a  real  stroke  of  genius 
I  drew  them  up  as  soon  as 
my  dressing  was  over.  Next 
morning  they  were  down 
again.  I  bathed, dried,  dressed 
and  drew  them  up.  She 
thought  it  was  a  Mede,  and 
pulled  them  down. 

But  it,  was  a  Persian,  and, 
as  I  pulled  them  up,  I  knew  that  I  had 
Beared. 

Yel,  after  all,  I  am  not  so  sure.  For 
it  is  now  the  summer,  and  I  have  no  fire, 
and  I  do  not  want  the  blinds  left  down. 
And  when  I  pull  them  up  every  morning, 
1  really  want  to  find  them  up  next 
morning.  But  I  find  them  down.  So 
perhaps  it  really  is  a  Mede.  To  tell 
the  truth,  the  distinction  between  the 
two  is  not  so  clear  as  it  ought  to  be.  I 
must,  try  to  come  to  some  arrangement 
with  the  housekeeper  about  it. 


CHARIVARIA. 

AN  Imperial  Irade  has  been  promul- 
gated at  Constantinople  approving  the 
project  for  a  German  loan  to  Turkey. 
This  confirms  the  view  held  by  many 
that  the  KAISER'S  interest  in  Turkey  is 

not  so  much  paternal  as  avuncular. 

*  * 

According  to  the  Mittatj  Zeltnng 
(whose  Statement  has  since  been  denied' 
there  was  considerable  dissension  among 
the  English  journalists  in  Germany. 
Indeed,  one  of  them,  it  is  said,  threatened 
to  return  to  England— though  whether 
it  was  England  that  was  threatened,  or 

Germany,  did  not  transpire. 

*  * 

A  reference  in  The  Daily  News  last 
week  to  the  two  German  philosophers 


Dentltt.  "MY  CHARGE  FOB  AS  EXTRACTION  IS  IIALF-A-CROWS.  FlVE 
SHILLINGS  EXTRA  IF  TOU  HAVE  GAS." 

Farmer  Giles  (who  knows  all  about  tlie  price  of  gas).  "  GOOD  LOR,  Sin, 
SIIALI,  I  WANT  TWO  THOUSAND  FEET?" 


"  Mr.  Pan  Uolyat,  who  lias  lx>en  absent  from 
the  cast  at  the  A|mllo  Theatre  for  the  last  two 
thus  ouing  to  indisposition,  will  re-appear  as 
Bernard  Partridge  to-morrow."—  Obttcrrcr. 

THIS  is  the  first  Mr.  Pundi  has  heard 
of  his  new  cartoonist. 


"HACKEL  and  HEAGLE"  shows  that  the 
representative  of  that  journal  did  not  go 
to  Germany  a  moment  too  soon. 


*  * 

At  a  time  when  so  many  persons  are 
working  to  bring  about  a  better  under- 
standing between  this  country  and 
Germany  we  think  it  regrettable  that 
one  of  our  daily  papers  should  have 
published  some  reproductions  of  draw- 
ings and  paintings  made  by  his  Imperial 
Majesty  the  KAISER. 

*  * 

Tlie  difficulties  of  the  Government 
increase  day  by  day.  It  has  been  decided 
that  Mr.  ACHERON  THOMAS  HERIIERT  is 
entitled  to  be  summoned  to  Parliament 
as  Baron  LITAS  OF  CRCDWEI.I,.  This 
means  that  there  is  now  an  additional 
peer  to  abolish.  ^  ^ 
* 

Mr.  Joirx  BRIXSJIEAP  celebrated  the  70th 


anniversary  of  his  marriage  last  week, 
and  has  now  entered  on  his  Ditrd  year. 
Mr.  Punch  respectfully  presents  him 
with  the  following  motto  : — Chi  va  i>nui<>, 
va  sano.  ^  + 

By-the-by,  owing  to  a  pardonable  con- 

fusion  of  ideas,  a  sporting  paper  ivlened 
to  the  happy  couple  as  "Derby  and 
June."  ^  ^ 

* 

At  the  New  Bailey  last  week  a  Mr. 
JOHN  SMITH  was  convicted  of  picture- 
stealing.  Two  thousand  five  hundred 
and  sixty-three  protests  have  already 
been  received  pointing  out  that  the 
prisoner  is  not  the  Mr.  JOHN  SMITH. 

A  writer  in  a  contemporary  is  of  tho 
opinion  that  the  average  person  does 
not  take  sufficient  care  of  his 
teeth.  But  there  are  certainly 
exceptions.  We  know  one  old 
gentleman  who  locks  his  up 
in  his  safe  every  night. 

V 

For  smuggling  a  puppy, 
which  he  brought  ashore  in 
his  travelling  rug,  a  man  was 
fined  £1  Os.  6d.  at  Dover  last 
week,  and  the  puppy  was 
ordered  to  be  kept  in  quaran- 
tine for  six  months.  In  canine 
circles  the  Litter  part  of  the 
sentence  is  considered  _a  flag- 
rant miscarriage  of  justice, 
seeing  that  the  puppy  un- 
doubtedly acted  under  duress. 
*  * 

The  Public  Prosecutor 
having  stated  in  the  great 
American  Labour  Trial  at 
Boise,  Idaho,  that  the  "  Inner 
Circle"  was  responsible  for 
the  deaths  of  fourteen  persons 
who  were  blown  up  at  a 
railway  station,  our  Metro- 
politan Railway  is  said  to  be 

considering  the  advisability  of  issuing 

a  disclaimer.  ^  ^ 

* 

While  we  are  no  admirers  of  LAJPAT 
lUi,  the  deported  agitator,  we  must 
protest  against  Sir  HENRY  COTTON  calling 
him  "  The  Dr.  CLIFFORD  of  India."  This 
hitting  a  man  when  he  is  down  is  un- 
English. 

Ihe  Pink  of  Propriety. 

WE  have  an  instinctive  respect  for  tho 
Mayor  of  COVENTRY,  and  consequently  we 
find  it  difficult  to  believe  that  the  Star 
has  done  him  justice  in  the  following : 

"  Instructions  have  been  sent  to  La  Hilo  that 
the  costume  is  to  be  pink  fleshings,  with  loose 
drapery,  and  long  flaxen  hair.  ...  It  is  stated 
that  the  Mayor  of  Coventry  threatens  that 
unless  the  fleshings  and  transparent  gauze  are 
abandoned  he  will  sever  his  connection  with 
the  whole  proceedings." 


PUNCH, 


Till-:  LONDON  <'!l.\i:i\ 


OUR    BOOKING    OFFICE. 
(By  '  'i't  Staff ..  k*.) 

The  Int  >.ciuxx)ii  the  story  of  a  girl  with  two 

personalities.    Hilly  was  as  good  as  K 

it- was  tuld.    Also  she  work'  rd  to  got  a  first 

r   kind   !• 

:•>•  Milty't  body,      i  /  the   g» 

e   wild    and    altogether  charming   woman,    who 
1  the  neighbours.     Now  1  don't  mind  believing  this  at 
all      It  explains  a  lot  about  women  which  I  have  never  been 
>rstand.     But  if  I  accept  Mrs.  Woore's  premises  I 
.k  that  she  ought  to  do  something  for  me  in  return. 
,-er>onality  "  from  Aberdeen  is  speaking  here.)    She 
ought  to  have  given  me  a  serious  treatise  on  re-incarnations 
rhii-h  10  personality  which  has  just  been 

i    a     miMiiIxT    of 
.ical  Research 
.  .r  else  a  roar- 
farce  to  amuse  one 
y    more   common- 
place j-ersonalities.    Hut 
jiis  tide  alxiut  uninter- 
esting people  is  n.-ither 
:i..r  the  other,  but 
mixture  of   the   two. 
It     i-<    fuU    of    farcical 
nations    which     take 
themselves  seriou.-! 
none  of  me  in  sat 

,y  !  What  alx.ut 
the  personality  which 
Wongs  to  The  Timet 
Book  C'lub?  "Three 
hundred  and  eleven 
pages,  five  inches  l>y 
and  neatly  bound; 
look  very  nice  in  any 
gentleman's  bookcase." 
Yes,  he 's  happy  enough. 


•  • 


The  Enlightenment  of 
Oliria    (L  was 

brought  about  in  four 
months  and  fifteen  chap- 
ters by  a  young  Oxford 
professor  who  mildly  flirted  with  her  in  her  Surrey  garden 
while  her  bluff,  good-natured  husband  was  in  the  City  or 
shooting  grouse.  "  Once  he  took  her  by  the  arm.  Olivia 
drew  it  away,  and  walked  on  the  other  side  of  the  path."  A 
two  afterwards  he  <-alli>d  l::-r  "a  most  perfect  and 
finish'  ton  This  was  too  much.  She 

rose  and  left  him.  "What  more  could  she  have  done?" 
Wli.it  iinlit.il  !  "  Tn  liave  flan-d  up  and  made  a  fuss  would 
have  IH-II  impossible,  (.imply  impossible,''  CM  n  though  she 
felt  that  his  remark  was  "a  transgression,  siu-h  as  his  touch 
uj»n  la-r  had  been."  Poor  Olivia.  She  was  not  nearly  such 

Mas  she  seemed  to  herself  and  Mrs.  I..  I'>  WALWRD. 
Hut  then  Mrs.  WALTOBD  is  not  at  her  best  when  she  tackle* 

•WABD  POYXTER  would  fail 

j<t  hmiM'lf  to    aint  <'.;'•  of  M 

1  banah'ticA. 


!.y  a   l.r. 

'i.ir  mix!'.  •'  I'"''1  c"11  ' 

l.v 

;,y.-titii-at.  "•' 

and    though    Mr. 

•and  tin-   ! 

' 

ihis  kind  of  thing  ;  it  mi 

!  s,.  ;ill  faith  in  hVt.  think  why  Mr.  t;« 

,\en  his  Q  :hat.      If 

.•ould  have  understooa.      1  ni'-.m  the  kii 
who  listens  to  your  best  anecdote  and  at  the  end 
"So  I  Mi  

If  the  story  which  Mr.  11.  M:  VKI.  '1*.  prettily, 

The  Crtmton  Azaleat  (UNWis)  had  been  s  t  in  England,  or 

in  any  other   common- 
place    iH-i^'lii 

•!          :ll,    it 

would  have  1» 
ordinary   affair.     <>r  at 
least  it  would   not  have 

-ut  of  the  ordinary, 
though   I 
think    M 
would    have   told  it  well 

Ji   in  any  rircnin- 

•  •s  to  niak- 

al>le.  The  dry  sk'-lrton 
"f  it  is  ji:-t  that  trite 
arrangement  of  the 
woman  who  is  married 
to  the  wronjj  man,  and 
the  right  man  wl,' 
to  deadi'it  memory  \viln 
other  in1  Mr 

Si  v 

this  old  seheine  with 
new  charm  liy  the  ^ini 
device  "f  brinxin^  tin- 

it  "  man  t"  Japan. 

Irttiiig   him    adopt 
H   uirl   :\ 

iiti-r.    The    at 

ured    and 
fragrant    with     )! 


THE    COMPLAINT    OF    PHILOMEL." 


THE  com-LiiNT  WHICH  is  JCST  xow  DECIIIATIXO  OCR  TOCSO  KIOUTIXQALES  is  KKUWS 
AS  OiLLoriso  CATARRH.    IT  ius  BEEN  CAUSED  BV  TUB  RECENT  BEVEIIITT  or  OUR  SI-UN  en. 

SCCB  A  COXPITIOS  or  TUIXGS  WAS  Of  COCR8R  KEVER  OONTEHPLATED   BT  KEATS  WHKS  HI 
|H  BIS  "  ODE  TO  A  NlGtrnXQALE  "  : 

"TnoC   WAST  KOT   BORN   FOR  DEATH,    IXMURTAL   BIRD  !  " 


(though  I  don't  believe  he  mentions  chrysanthemu] 
and  there  is   that   undertone  of   poetic,    almost   childlike, 
mysticism  which  is  the  real  spirit  of  .lapan.  ii"t  >•  ' 
down  by  the  brazen  tongues  of  UY.-t.  in  "civili/.ati"ii." 


pa 
In 


.ind's  worth  n  : 

..id   iniii'h 
ail-thirty  years 


• 


1 

gradual  realisation 
own  selfishness  she  is  much 
more  like  who 

nith. 


Not  the  least  valuable,  because  the  rai.-t.  f"rm  of  fiction 
is  the  goixl  short  .-t  TV.     l-'i-v  JKWSCSS  the  an  uati< 

combined  with  the  gift  of  imagination 
in  a  dozen  or  score  of  pages  a  compli-t«-  and  vital  cpi^x 

I  and  gift  Mi>s  Fuvvis  possesses  in  rare  degree.      Tlicv 
playiil  in  many  pha-i-s  in  the  fou 
under  the  ti'l'-  Stepping  Wettieard Qfmtaa).     I   ha 
the    book    through,    and,   whilst    naturally    preferriim 
i-haj  •  :md  jiathos  and  humour  alxMindi: 

The    Caut'ous    Scot. 

•'  Hi-  life  .-xt'-mled    from    IT.'.O,   thr-   year  of  his  l.irth,  lil 
vh'-u  he  died."      S-irf,--mnn. 


The  Origin  of  fp«cie« 

•s-i;  in  the  parks  f'.r  children.  "—Yorkshire  Erenimj  Post 


JUNE  19,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVART. 


433 


Gladys  (at  lier  first  tlolin  recital).  "  WHICH  18  IT  THAT  MIKES  THE  NOISE,  THE  VIOLIN  OR  THE  BOW  ?  " 


THE  LAY  OF  A  LIBERAL,. 

WHEN  I  read  about  the  crimes  tliat  The  Standard  or  The 
Times 

Are  so  cruel  as  to  say  that  we  commit, 
And  am  told  that  all  the  fads  of  the  Labourites  and  Rada 

Plainly  prove  that  they  are  mentally  unfit, 
Then  a  feeling  of  unrest  permeates  my  anxious  breast, 

And  my  confidence  in  WIXSTON  is  upset, 
And  I  tremble  at  the  knees  till  my  mind  is  put  at  ease 

By  the  pages  of  The  Westminster  Gazette. 

When  The  Telegraph  dilates  on  the  Navy  Estimates 

And  laments  our  lack  of  patriotic  fears, 
And  The  Mail  and  Globe  unite  in  denouncing  with 
delight 

Any  scheme  for  the  extinction  of  the  Peers, 
When  they  urge  the  obvious  fact  that  M'KKNXA'S  want 
of  tact 

Would  disgrace  a  pugilistic  Suffragette, 
Then  I  get  a  pain  inside  till  I  see  their  views  defied 

In  the  columns  of  The  Westminster  Gazette. 

When  I  see  a  hostile  Press  in  a  passion  effervesce 

O'er  our  manners  in  a  House  of  Commons  scene, 
And  declare  \vithout  a  doubt  it  was  solely  brought  about 

By  Sir  HI:NI:Y,  who  could  not  restrain  his  spleen, 
It  \s  refreshing  to  bo  told,  in  a  type  that's  large  and  bold, 

Twus  PKINCI;  Aimii'K  who  was  fuming  in  a  pet, 
And  my  joyous  spirit  laughs  at  the  caustic  paragraphs 

Which  reprove  him  in  The  Westminster  f!'t~clte. 


A  DIVIDED  HEART. 

"I  HATE  garden  parties,"  he  began ;  "  but  I  came  because  I 
knew  I  should  meet  you." 

"I  like  them,"  she  answered  brightly  but  rather  breath- 
lessly ;  "  and  this  garden  is  perfectly  sweet,  isn't  it  ?  " 

"Is  it?  "he  replied;  "I  haven't  noticed.  Do  you  know 
you  have  never  looked  at  me  all  the  afternoon?"  It  was 
true,  but  she  had  known  his  exact  whereabouts  all  the  same. 
"And  it  always  seems  to  me,"  he  continued,  "ever since  I've 
known  you,  that  you  've  managed  things  so  that  we  never  get 
more  than  a  spasmodic  ten  minutes  together." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  don't !  "  she  answered  ;  "  but  there  are  so  many 
people  one  has  to  talk  to." 

"  People  who  are  much  more  interesting  than  I  am  ?  " 

"It's  getting  late,"  she  said  unsteadily,  and  half  rose. 

"  No !  Wait !  "  he  exclaimed.  "  You  must  hear  me — even 
if  it 's  the  last  time— I  must  tell  you  ;  nothing  can  stop  me 

now !  Oh,  GLADYS,  I "  He  broke  off,  for  he  had  caught 

sight  of  the  figure  of  a  late  arrival,  a  little  distance  away, 
who  had  looked  in  on  his  way  from  town. 

"  Well  ?  "  he  shouted  to  him. 

"  Lancashire  all  out  171,  Kent  01  for  4,"  was  the  prompt 
response. 

A  quick  spasm  of  pain  crossed  the  lover's  face.  "  I-et  me 
see !  "  he  exclaimed,  springing  to  his  feet  and  seix.ing  tho 
evening  paper.  "Ah! — MASON  and  HUTCIII.NUS  not  out— 
they  '11  pull  it  off  all  right."  He  heaved  a  great  breath  of 
relief  and  returned  to  the  seat. 

It  was  empty. 


VOL.  CXXX1I. 


C  0 


434 


PUNCH,   OR  THK    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUKE  19,  1907. 


THE    LICENCE    OF    THE    MOTOR-CABBY. 
Somt — HTDE  PAKE,  CORNER. 

Atom  the  kerb  they  slumbered  in  a  queue, 

It      :   •.  *  new  delight ; 
Jtut  \\l.«-ii  1  (.i-ntl  in  every  forrard  pew 
Searching  for  chauffeurs,  there  was  none  in  sight ; 

Which  for  a  while  I  b 
Then  tentatively  Upped  upon  the  shelter's  door. 

Intruding  with  apologetic  feet, 

I  faltered.  '  \VI,o  will  .Irive  me  to  the  Strand?  " 

.  in  lofty  tone*  declined  to  treat. 
Heading  defects  or  eofter  jobs  in  hand  ; 

The  rest  made  no  n-|  ' 
Hut  stared  at  vacancy  with  stony,  callous  eyes. 

'.v  snl  XT  and  alone, 

And  tlicy  prefer  red  a  more  elated  fare 
I  km  ml  for  a  spot  Ix-yond  the  four-mile  /one 
When--  distances  are  measureless,  and  where 

Time  passes  swift  in  sport 
With  Amaryllis  at  a  place  like  Hampton  Court. 

Then  all  my  manhood  leaped  into  my  ;' 

And  i»  IM  style  that  stamps  the  Junior  Dor 

1  hailed  a  cop|x>r,  saying,  "  Kindly  place 
Its  proper  rhauffeiir  on  the  foremost  car. 
This  you  will  do,  or  I 

Will  'certainly  investigate  the  reason  why." 

The  cabby  came  reluctant     From  behind, 

1  cast  on  him  a  withering  regard, 
And  shouted,  "I  have  rearranged  my  mind  ; 

Our  destination  now  is  Scotland  Yard  ; 

There  they  shall  fix  the  doom 
Of  Uiu  intolerable  licence  you  assume." 


O.S. 


SPORTSY.EN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 


IT  was  in  the  person  of  GAUMJJ  that  I  next  came  upon  the 
foundations  of  life  physical  strength  and  hard  knocks. 
GAM-IS  had  in  youth  Uvn  a  Guardsman.  1  forget  at  this 
moment  whether  the  Grenadiers  or  the  Coldstreams  or  the 
Soots  had  rejoiced  in  the  temporary  possession  of  his  warlike 
energy  and  his  indefatigable  muscles.  but  I  incline  to  the 
Scot*.  chiefly  for  the  reason  that  GAI.MS  himself  w.,-  an 
Englishman.  At  any  rate,  having  served,  not  without  honour, 
in  one  of  these  famous  regiment*,  G.U.HN  had  afterwards 
become  a  master-aUirnm,  nnd  in  that  capacity  he  had  taught 
the  youth  of  Eton  something  of  the  mysteries  that  cluster 
about  a  taxing-glove,  a  foil  nnd  a  singlestick.  Still  later  he 


had  established  himself  at  Cambridge,  not  as  a  i-T 
inhabitant,  but  as  a  frequent  fighting  visitor.      He  wa~.    I 
suppose,  a  rival  to  the  .1  <f   whom   I    have   already 

made  mention  ;  but  tin-re  wa.sr.mm  for  all  of  I  hem  amongst  the 
pugnacious  young  men  who  dwelt  upon  the  banks  of  i!,.- 
QHB 

I  myself  met  GAIJ-IX,  confronted  him,  that  is  to  say,  in  a 
fistic  arena,  after  my  days  at  Cambridge  were  done.      1   had 
Succeeded  in  carrying  off  tin  mid<ll<   weight  anil  heavy-weight 
cups  that  used  to  serve  as  the  annual  guerdons  of  our  | 
at  that  university,  but  much  still  remained  to  l>c  suffer 
Irarnt  before  I  could  hope  to  qualify  for  tin-  ranks  of  those 
gen  nine  boxers  who  ran  IP  .Id  their  own  in  any  ri<  ' 
without  apprehension.     These  lessons  and  that  Mifferii. 
lob*  conferred]  UJ-.M  nsd  and  asphalted 

back-yard  behind  a  LoMOSj  house,  and  in  those  assaults  of 
arms  in  I/>ndon  and  elsewhere  in  which  we  afterwards  made 
exhibition  i.f  our  skill,  our  temper,  anil  our  endiirai:. 

Twenty  five  years  ago,  when  I  first  saw  hjm  and  I 


a  target  for  his  blows,  G  u  ns  was  a  splendid  tyj.e  of  man- 
h.»Kl.  Si\  f.ft  two  iiu  -might  as  a  ilart,  «|uirk 

and   acti1.  e  -launch,  solid   and   dauntless  as 

in  the  midst  of  i  -  •  I.      Th'T.  -iipact- 

nCSS   about    him    that    defied    attack;    his    alertness    ball  led 

calculation.      His   right  ai  i  in   one  swift   i 

to  render  a   blow   liarmli  crash   his  great  list   full 

into  (I-..  His   led    l!ew  straight  as  an  arrow. 

!    never   faltered.      For  all  the   turns  and   cha: 

M    his    li...!v    u.i,   of   a    balance   SO    perfect    that    .lo\e 

himself.  \\ i-   thought,  could   rn.t   have  distnrl  e  I   him  with   a 

thuinlerlK.lt.      A  r i<l  of  three  i::inutes  uith  him  ti  -vd  the 

very  basis  ,,f -'s  Leim,-.      Panting  and  tiring  yi  u  wi  : 

faced  with   that   agile   l>nlk   and    that   unchanging  cul' 
Your    hlow.s    I.egan    t..   dr.«.p;     his   uere    still    frequent,   and 
still  with  unwavering  ppvi-i.ni  ai:d  deadline  \elled 

to  the  app-iindd  spot.  Vet  las  temper  was  imperturbable. 
a<  d  to  welcome,  as.  indeed,  he  always  applauded,  a 
well  planned  and  cunningly  delivered  blow  when,  as  some- 
times happen' d,  his  pupil  had  caught  him  at  a  disadvantage 
and  had  llattened  his  nose  or  made-  the  teeth  rattle  in  his 
head.  On  such  <xva.-ions  he  used  to  refer  gleeful! 

ions   Inidy    known    as    "they"    who   uere    sure    to    lie 
tiled  and  crushed  by  tin  -kill  and  01 

"Well   done,  sir,"   he   would    say.   while   his  sinister   and 
much-enduring  ••vly    re-nined     its    original    .shape. 

"  Well  done!  They'll  never  stand  up  against  yon  if  you  go  on 
like  that."  Thereuj.>on  the-  avenging  blow  would  come,  and 
you  might  thank  your  stars  if  yon  escaped  its  terrible  impact. 
Glorious  and  delightful  is  the  memory  of  those  s. 

Itut  GAI.IMX  wussometliing  more  than  a  Ixixer.  lie  could 
fence  with  grace  and  cITtvt.  His  play,  jerhaps,  was  not  of 
the  snake-like  and  enveloping  rapidity  that  the  French 
masters  display,  but  it  was  a  fine  and  inspiring  performance 
nevertheless.  One  dreadful  parry  and  return  he  had.  1  can 
still  feel  the  point  of  his  foil  under  my  right  arm  pit,  after 
I  had  attacked  him  in  vain.  With  the  sinks  he  \v 
authentic  champion  of  Great  Britain.  A  frayed  extract  from 
a  newspaper,  which  he  used  to  produce  for  our  wond. 
the  xuiguinary  story  of  the  conflict  in  which  he  won  his  title. 
A  challenge,  it  appeared,  had  long  Ixvn  OJMJII  from  one  Slliw, 
who  was.  as  might  IM'  exerted  from  his  name,  a  Lifeguards 
man.  G.arix  had  trained  in  secret,  anil  had  then  accepted 
the  gage.  In  the  fight  that  followed  for  the  best  of  a  hundred 
hits  he  had,  I  think,  received  twenty,  but  his  opponent  had 
collapsed  as  GAI.IMX'S  stick  slashed  him  for  the  liftieth  lime. 
"We  fought  in  our  shirts,"  said  GAI.PIX.  "They  coddn't 
find  SHAW'S  when  I  had  done  with  him,  and  they  had  to  wa  h 
mineoff  me  with  hot  water."  1  must  a>k  pardon  of  the  more 
delicate  of  my  readers  for  shocking  their  susceptihi!,- 
rivalling  this  incident.  It  had  led  no  trace  upon  the  good 
temper  and  chivalrous  manners  of  <  <  vi.ris. 

Once,  more  than  twenty  years  ago,  we  took  G\i.ns  with 
US  to  Scotland,  where  the  spirit  of  the  rain  often  makes 
shooting  ini|K>ssilile.  When  the"  haar"  was  drenching  CMT\ 
thing  without,  we  stayed  within  and  l«. \cdand  fenced.  On 
liner  da\s.  when  we  .-li..l,  Huns  went  with  us.  U-aring  many 
cartridge  lugs,  and  commissioned  also  t,,  lake  charge  of  a 
St.  llernard  dog  u  IP**-  aptitudes  fortheuork  of  retrieving 
were  smaller  than  his  ambitions.  Sniietimes  Gu.i'is'  pre- 
vailed, at  other  times  the  dog.  I  have'  s<  en  them  fly,  dog 
lust,  like. i  meti-or  across  a  field  and  s  -ripe  headlong  over  a 
htono  wall  when  a  hare  had  I'ur  keeper 

rough   and    powerful    man,  confident    in    his   brute  Strength, 
but    unskilled    in    the    Use   of    his    hands.        The   countryside 
fean-d    him.  and   one  evening  he  defied  our   boxer,  of  whose- 
i.e   knew  nothing.      His   bruised    face  and   the   purple 
round    h  d  ns.  on  the  follow  ing  morning,  all 

we  could    de.-ii-e   t,,   know   alxmt    the    issue    of    the    conlliet. 
'<i.\triN  was  unscathed,  the  umler-ko-jM-r  chuckled,  and  tlm 


rrxciT,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVAtlWoift  Is),  1907. 


THE  VOICE   OF  THE   CHARMER. 

TIIE  LULU-BIRD  (persuasively).  "  DON'T-GO-PLEASE  !    DONT-GO-PLEASE !  " 

[The  oliject  of  Mr.  I.ULV  HAUOOURT'S  Small  Holdings  (England)  Bill  is,  in  his  own  words,  "to  stem  the  townward  stream  of  humanity."] 


JrxK  111,  11107.! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


437 


\r>/K\i'&-W       — .    s^ 

••ffrf  *£d  /,  e\  V 

*i?^Hify5j  F 


Jl/l'H.  Greenlnj.    "I'll    GLAD  WE   PUT  ON   OCR   BEST  CLOTHES,   JoSIAH.      I   DON'T   LIKE   TO   LOOK   DIFFERENT  FROM   THE   REST   ()'   PEOPLE." 


battered    keeper  wore   an   air  of  melancholy  dignity.     We 
departed  on  that  day,  and  the  story  had  no  sequel. 

So  much,  then,  for  (lu.nx.  Many  years  have  passed  since 
I  saw  him,  more  since  I  felt  his  diliicult  and  ravaging  hand, 
if  I  may  use  the  words  in  which  Joirsr  HAMILTON  REYNOLDS 
describes  the  hand  of  RANDALL.  I  believe  he  travelled  to 
the  Yukon  in  pursuit  of  a  golden  dream.  Wherever  he  lives 
I  salute  him  as  the  type  and  exemplar  of  the  British  boxer 
of  these  later  days. 

THE  LOVE  CHARM  AUX  LEGUMES. 

[An  eminent  scientist  has  maintained  that  asparngin,  the  alkaloid  of 
asparagus,  develops  the  se.'.se  of  form  in  the  human  brain.] 

AM  AMU,  when  the  menu's  rolling  stream 

Had  passed  its  flood-tide  with  the  minted  mutton 
(That  point  where  portly  diners  tend  to  beam, 
And  disregard  dull  care,  or  only  deem 

The  hazard  worth  a  button) — • 

When  Fate  in  mufti  brought  the  season's  pride, 

AxfH-iyes  an  beitrre,  if  for  a  time  I  missed  your 
Inimitable  small-talk,  do  not  chide  ; 
It  takes  some  tact  to  get  those  stems  inside 
The  proper  facial  fissure. 

And  think  not.  it  was  greed  that  made  me  crop 
The  juicy  frondagc  with  that  air  of  fervour, 
Coaxing  it  softly  upwards  top  by  top, 
All  carefully  in  case  the  pendant  drop 

Should  chance  to  be  a  swerver. 


How  much  more  poignant  was  my  inward  thought ! 

I  browsed,  AMANDA,  from  a  sense  of  duty, 
Knowing  that  every  tender  tuft  was  fraught 
With  power  to  make  me  relish  as  I  ought 
Your  iridescent  beauty. 

You  noticed  (at  the  soup)  my  sullen  moid  : 

With  cynic  fork  around  the  fish  I  dallied  : 
But.  when  that  vegetable  interlude 
Had  filled  me  with  its  rare  romantic  food 
How  splendidly  I  rallied  ! 

'Twas  after  that  we  joined  in  whispered  talks  ; 

'Twas  then  I  wooed  your  heart  with  honied  wheedlings, 
And  found  you  fairer  than  the  day  by  chalks, 
Or  ever  THOMAS  had  removed  the  stalks 
Of  those  delicious  seedlings ! 


"A  seal  bearing  the  date  1538  has  been  picked  np  in  the  sea  near 
St.  Ives.  It  is  in  very  good  condition,  and  bears  an  impression  of  the 
head  of  Queen  Elizabeth." — Daily  Chronicle. 

WE  do  not  believe  this.  In  the  first  place  Queen  ELIZABETH 
was  born  in  1533,  and  though  five  is  no  doubt  an  impression- 
able age,  yet  it  is  extremely  unlikely  that  a  child  of  such 
tender  years  would  have  been  allowed  near  a  seal.  In  the 
second  place  a  seal  born  in  1538  would  hardly  be  in  good 
condition  to-day. 

"  The  Daily  Mail  Ideal  Domestic  Servants'  Policy." 
TARIFF  Reform,  we  presume. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIMVAKI. 


[.TIM:  19.  1907. 


EX    NIHILO    FIT    MULTUM. 

I   BBWIO   111  "~'iat 

happened  to  the  1*11.     In  the  tir«: 
it  wuof  an  irreproachable  length,  and 
broke  very  sharply  «nd  cleverly  from  the 
leg.    (TV  I  am  surf,  will  bear 

me  out  in  this.)    Abo  it  rose  with  great 

iineM an  I  lia.l  time 

to  perfect  any  adequate  system  of  d.f.mv. 
took  me  on  the  knee,  and  from  there 
rolled  on  to  tin-  off  stump.  There  was 
•  considerable  amount  of  applause  on 
the  part  of  tin*  fifM,  due  no  doubt 
to  the  feoling  that  a  dangerous  bata- 
inan  had  been  dismissed  without 
scoring.  I  n> .  •!  hardly  add  that  I  did 
not  resent  >n. 

What  I  real!  to  say  to  the 

wicket-keeper  was  (i)  that  it  was  the  first 


s  side 
rious " 

Hut  he  was  gone.     I  brushed  my  own 

hair  •.  illy,  lit  a  cigarette,  and 

le    to    tin-  other*.      I   alu.iy* 

think  thai  it"  is  n..thin_: 

tin-  w  il   i  iff  is  everything. 

..nly  to  himself,  I". 

to  his  ulil   not  nuke  a  man   in 

differ     •  •        -  personal  appearance. 
.    "  15.1.1  luck,"  said  somebody.     "Did 
it  coino  back  ?  " 

"Very  .pi.-klv.     We  b.th  did." 

"He  w..  ^'ng  much  when   I 

was  in,"  said  some  tactless  idiot. 

"Then  why  did  you  get  out?"  I  re- 
tort e.1. 

-  Lb.w." 

I  moved  quickly  away  from  him,  and 
sat  next  to  a  man  who  had  yet  to  go  in. 


"A  hundred." 

"Yi.ii   must   have  done   it  wrung,"  I 

-''>'• 

,    I'm   Mire    I    didn't.  .  .  .      No,   it 
Mill  coin. •-  to  a  linn  : 

"  Well    then,    1    iiiii.-t    have    made     a 
hiindr  lly.     "  Are  you 

!  made  a  mi.-takc?  " 

afce." 

"Then    I'd   letter   go   and    tell    the 
scorer.     He  put  me  down  a  Mob    silly 

'   lie's  a  bad  scorer.  I  know." 
"  I'.y   the   \\:r  i.   as   I   got    nji, 

"what  iminlxT  did  you  think  of?" 
"\Vell.    it's    like    this.      When    yon 
to   gne-s  what   yon  'd    made  I 
instinctively    thought    of    Mob.    only    1 
didn't   like  to  say  BO.     Then   when   we 
began  that  number  game  1  started  with 


AfalU  Old  Gentleman.  "  Wocu>  TOC  CUE  TO  ux«  AT  MT 

1  'U.  JCST  T«E  OCT  THE 


LOOSE  ADVERTISEMENTS 


lost  wicket  I  had  played  on  this  summer ; 
it  it  was  my  first  nought  this 
season,  nn  I,  hang  it,  even  FIIY  made 
nought  sometime*  ;  and  (iii)  th.it  person- 
ally 1  always  felt  that  it  didn't  matter 
what  one  made  oneself  so  long  as  one's 
aide  was  victorious.  What  I  actually  said 
was  shorter ;  but  I  expect  the  wicket- 
keeper  understood  just  as  well.  He 
seemed  an  intelligent  fellow. 

After  that  I  walked  nine  miles  bock 
to  the  pavilion. 

The  nest  man  was  brushing  his  hair 
in  the  dressing-room. 

•  What 's  happened  ?  "  he  asked. 

hing."  I  said  truthfully 
1  lint  you  'ro  out,  aren't  you?" 
"  I  meant  that  nothing  had  eventuated 
— accrued,  as  it  I 

!»b?     Dad   luck.     Is  my  parting 
Knight  ?  " 

•  It  curls  a  bit  from  leg  up  at  the  top, 
but  it  will  do.    Mind  you  make  some. 


"  Bad  luck,"  he  said.  "  Second  ball, 
wasn't  it?  I  expect  I  shall  do  the 
•OWL" 

I  thought  for  a  moment 

"  What  makes  you  think  you  will 
have  a  second  ?  "  I  asked. 

"To  judge  from  the  easy  way  in 
which  those  two  are  knocking  the 
bowling  about  I  shan't  even  have  a 
first,"  he  smiled. 

I  moved  on  again. 

"Hallo,"  said  a  voice,  " I  saw  you  get 
out  How  many  did  you  make  ?  " 

"  None,"  I  said  wearily. 

"  How  many  ?" 

I  went  and  sat  down  nest  to  him. 

"Guess,'   1  s-.id. 
1  can't." 

"W.  II.  think  of  a  number." 
Yes." 

dil-   it.     Divide    by    two.     Take 
away  the  number  vou  first  thought  of 


a  hundred  —  it's  such  an  ea-y  numl'cr. 
Double—  two  hundred.  Divide  l>y  two 
—  one  hundred.  Take  away  the  immlxT 
you  first  thought  of  that  's  blub  and 
you  have  a  hundred  left.  Wasn't  that 

right  T" 

-You    idiot!"    I  said    angrily.     "Of 


"  Well,  don't  get  sick  about  it      We 
all  make  mi-takes." 

•k,  1  'in   not  sick.     Only,  jn 
the  moment  ....    I  really  thought 
Well.  I  shall  never  be  so  near  a  century 
again." 

At   lunch  I  sat  next  to  one  of  their 
side. 

"How    many   did    you    mule?"    he 
asked. 

"  N'..t  very  many,"  I  said. 

"How  many?" 

'  '  ih.  hardly  any.     None  at  all,  prac- 
lically." 

.v  many  actually  ?  " 


JUNE  19,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


439 


"  And  actually,"  I  said. 

After  lunch  a  strange  man  happened 
to  be  talking  to  me. 

"And  why  did  you  get  out?"  he 
asked. 

It  was  a  silly  question  and  deserved  a 
silly  answer.  Besides,  I  was  sick  of  it 
all  by  this  time. 

"Point's  moustache  put  me  off,"  I 
said. 

"  What  was  wrong  with  Point's  mou- 
stache?" 

"  It  swerved  the  wrong  way." 

"I  was  fielding  point,"  he  said. 

"I'm  very  sorry.  But  if  you  had 
recognised  me  you  wouldn't  have  asked 
why  I  got  out,  and  if  I  had  recognised 
you  I  shouldn't  have  told  you.  So  let's 
forgive  and  forget." 

1  hoped  that  the  subject  was  really 
closed  this  time.  Of  course  I  knew  that 
kind  friends  and  relations  would  ask  me 
on  the  morrow  how  many  I  had  made, 
but  for  that  day  I  wanted  no  more  of 
it.  Yet,  as  it  happened,  I  reopened  the 
subject  myself. 

For  with  live  minutes  to  play  their 
ninth  wicket  fell.  Mid-off  sauntered 
over  towards  me. 

"Just  as  well  we  didn't  stay  in  any 
longer." 

"That's  just  what  I  thought,"  I  said 
triumphantly.  "All  along." 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIIE  record  rush  of  American  million- 
aires to  tliis  country  is  said  to  be  due  to 
the  knowledge  that  a  desirable  riverside 
mansion  at  present  known  as  the  House 
\-f  Lords  may  shortly  come  into  the 
I'.arket.  ^  + 

* 

The  Premier  continues  to  make  really 
capital  jokes.  It  seems  a  pity  that  the 
Lord  Chancellor  cannot  be  persuaded  to 
make  him  a  judge  now  that  some  addi- 
tional ones  are  promised.  Judges  may 
not  interfere  in  politics. 

*  * 

* 

Several  papers  have  published  elabo- 
rate details  relating  to  Lady  ARTHUR 
( iK"  YKXOK'S  caravan  tour,  and  one  of 
these  journals  mentions  that  her  wan- 
derings are  a  secret,  as  she  does  not 
wisli  to  excite  the  attention  of  intrusive 
people.  „  + 

We  are  glad  to  see  MARK  TWAIN  taking 
part  in  the  campaign  against  the  owner 
of  the  Congo  Free  State.  Mark  II.  is 
ammunition  which  has  done  good  service 
in  the  past.  ^  ^ 

*. 

A  misprint  in  one  of  our  newspapers 
threw  the  entire  Swiss  Kepublic  into  a 
ferment  of  excitement  last  week.  It 
was  reported  that  General  BOTIIA  had 


Singer  (singing  popular  song).  "  RING  DOWN  THE  OUETAIN  !    I  CAN'T  SINO  TO-NIGHT  !  " 

[Loud  cheering  from  the  gallery. 


expressed  theconfident  hope  that  Switzer- 
land would  soon  form  part  of  the  Trans- 
vaal. The  word  should,  of  course,  have 
been  Swaziland.  ^  ^ 

Those  persons  who  are  being  re- 
proached with  the  magnificence  of  the 
Hammersmith  Workhouse  draw  atten- 
tion to  the  fact  that  some  of  the  American 
cart-horses  at  Olympia  were  stalled  in 
plush  and  chiffon.  t  ^ 
* 

Those  who  are  interested  in  the  Eng- 
lish language  may  be  glad  to  note  the  ap- 
pearance of  the  expression  "Crieketiana 
Notelets "  in  the  Liverpool  Eclw.  The 
pretty  word  "  Xotelets "  is,  we  take  it, 
of  the  neuter  gender,  as  in  no  other  way 

jean  wo  account  for  the  use  of  tlic  neuter 
plural  of  the  well-knuu n  I^atin  adjective 

, "  Cricketianus." 


"  Soil  for  Summer  Salads  "  is  the  title 
of  an  item  in  some  "Gardening  Notes" 
which  attracted  our  attention  last  week. 
We  had  often  wondered  what  the  gritty 
substance  was  which  we  have  occasion- 
ally come  across  in  restaurant  salads, 
offering  such  a  marked  contrast  to  the 

gentle  and  luscious  caterpillar. 

*  * 

From  New  York  comes  the  news  that 
an  American  artist  has  just  completed 
the  largest  miniature  ever  painted.  It 
measures  5  by  G  feet. 

V 

"Mr.  GI.UISTONE  once  said,"  declared 
the  Premier  the  other  day,  "  that  a  man 
shaving  himself  in  the  morning  made  a 
judicious  use  of  his  time  by  attending 
to  the  edge  of  his  ra/.or  before  under- 
taking that  operation.  Ijet  us  see  to 
our  razor."  This  looks  as  if  the  leader 


4JO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1907. 


of  the  Liberal   Party  anticipated  tome 

dose  shaves. 

*  • 

There  waa  an  absurd  rumour  in  the 
l.wi  week  to  the  effect  tli.it  th<> 
AngloJapaneae  Treaty  vraa  about  to  bo 
terminated.    This  waa  due  to  the  j  : 
.  f  .tire  from  the  Mikado  by  a  Japanese 
band  in  total  disregard  of  our  f 
as  the  allies  of  Japan. 

Daring  the  rain  at  the  Royal  Review, 

the  signal   "March    post!"  was 

given,  it  was  remarked,  "  Yea;  but  when 

\\ill  April  be  over?" 

V 

Mr.  HILDGHUXD  HARMSWORTH   is   now 

\Ve  hop.,  that 

this  will  not  lead  to  friction  with    his 
brother,  who  nuns  The  \\orU. 


CONCERTS. 

AKT1LLF.UY    MANSIONS. 

I'mler  ll.  ronage  of 

The  Right  Hon.   R.   H.   MMI.VM,  M.P., 

and  tlio  Army  Council. 

TtfATHALIK   P.I'MPtiFF.  i.  13. 

Bcssarnbian  pianist,     rianofortc  Recital 
Tin  i:-i>n   Ni  AT,  at  3.15  P.M. 

:  by 

•.    IlruioFK  dliilcin 
IV>ms  Hi  Mix.KK  (Xylophone). 
I'm  BoMPorr  (Gyroscope). 

NATHAI.IF.   ni'MPiiFF. 
\Vi.uiiir.  1  1  stone  'Jibs. 
.iiritt-  Pm.il. 

NATHAN  F,   ItrMl'nFF, 
will  play 

PEKPETI  t  u  A0TOMOBiLK...Lev*tMr. 
Sonata  in   modo  con-  ) 
taglosn    ......      I 

749  Variations    on     alp,       ,  ,  ... 

ManchurianAir...}DonaldIove-v- 


N  1!.  It  is  requested  that  the  audience 
will  be  punctual  as  the  doors  will  not 
bo  opened  during  the  non-stop  Mun- 
churian  Variations,  which  last  1|  hours. 
Krupp's  Bomb-proof  Grand  Pianoforte, 
Fitted  with  sandbags  and  Bessemer  steel 

Conning  TOW-T. 

Ti.-keU  at  the  War  <  mice  and  all 
(iunniakers. 
i  ios  KI.I   ||.,|,  . 


DORIAN    HALL. 
SATCRMV  Ni  \i  at  8.30  P.M. 

TAI.I>Ki:i:  i.AMI'.IMN 
" 

AI.ISKKi:  <;.\MI:i;r. 
will  sing 

AllSTOX  HEX 

J  nnlar  (.ambnuus. 


T 


I 

;:  i        .  v  ', 


Ticket*  at  .ill  '  •  the 

Cbscnrr-l>li:i> -ll.'X  .l»-m  v  Hvvr.: 


KMP1IJI-:    HALL. 

:  .ill  tlio 

Crow:  '."..rl'l. 

INIMA   CAI.'TA.     To-Monnow  at  3. 


M1 
M 


I  IN  i  MA  CAI:T\ 

Tin: 


IXFJLNT 


N  I!  The  Italian  Aiulia.-K.nlor  lia.- 
kindly  rtmsciiti'il  to  turn  over,  and  tlio 
Kditor  of  tlic  Timm  will  proi-nt  a 
•:i  during  th«-  iuti-rval. 

Tickets,  »:L'  i',.  :m.l  'II  in*.  M.  ;  to 
U1  hud  at  the  Italian  Kml. 


SOME  Ir.vi  i.\\-  ('uiif  isus 

OP 

MINIMA   CARTA. 
"  Pyramidal  "     (Viareggio).        "  This 
divine    imp    i)f   oorusf.nting   mentality  " 

Mia).       "  Sho    exhales     p-ni 
every     pore "     (Fiesole).       "  Poor    old 
PADKIIKWSM  !  "     (Ptu/.uoli).        "C 
mysticism  allied  to  daemonic  force  "  (Pa- 
lermoi.    "('oni]iarc-<l  with   her  SIVMIVVII 
is  ,i    framl   ami    Hi  sosi    an    ini] 
.  Piaei-:  "The    fnMi/.ied     andienee 

had  to  be  restrained  by  the  carabinieri 
from  committing  wholesale  hara-kiri" 
(Verona.  "]>an/ai!  < 'jK)pouax ! !  Oto- 
totoi ! !  !  "  (Livorno). 


BLUTUSTEIN  HALL. 

FI:H'.\Y  KVKMS.;  AT  S  P.M. 

M-ALINA  SKKIMSIIANKS. 
(1'upil  of  Por] 

!.    It!  .  II  \I  . 

MESSALINA  SKKIMSIIANKS. 
A   VOICK  nou  THE  PAST. 
Kindly  assisted  by 
Signoni  Ctcn.i  Ilosio, 
Mr.  DESMOXD  PAXGOKFLIX, 

and 
Mile.  OOWAXA  STROPP. 

At  the  Piano — 
M.  IGOR  GOIXCHOWSKI. 

CtWCEBT-DlRECTIOJ!  LfDWIO   MEXDE1.SSOHN. 


SOME   PRESS  OPIM 
ON 

Madame 

MESSALINA  SKIMMSIIANKS. 
l'"iMMia's  I'l  rn  .i 
The  I>iilli/l>iiiiiiinii  lli'snlil: 
•li  singing  has  never  IMI-M  !i.  :u-.l 
in   North    Kerry   U'fi.re.     That    Madame 
SK»|\'  fully    ,|iialilie<l    to   shine 

ill     hind'.  will 

deny." 

\lii--ln-ili-  -.<«; 

8  of  the  delicious  |: 

1  Mull 

of     K  f,,r     her 


'•  M. id. ime  SMJIM-  -.till  to  bo 

ly   hiir\ivin^    pupil   of    the 

I         \Ve   (.111    Well    U'lieVe    It.        Her 
f    \\ohdclful  1 

vation." 

77«-  ('(inti'iiitiry  I'Lirion: 
"  Mad. mie's  trill   is  a   truly   delirious 

• 

ill    her    \"ire   with    the    skill    of   a 
African  tninde 


HOBO   TI'FF.  TI-ESPAY 

Third  and 

P.I"! 

Hor.o  Tn-'F.  Ltn  \itmu. 

oa 

at  8.30. 

HM1-..I  Tl'FF.  Ti. 

Kindly  as-i-ted  by 

Bl  i.i  1 11  t*:, 

and 

MA  Mil"  Sin>: 
Admission     and     ri'fie-.iiiiients 

:id. 
.•Ki:r-l>n:i".i  ii"X   I'.vvin  S  in  N>  K. 


OR  I '11  F.I -S    HALL. 
Fitn>\Y  F.M.MM;  at  8.30  P.M. 

CYRIL  \Vi»"F. 

CVIML  WOdF  will  improvise grimMM 
with  Bcoompanimenl  of  lute. 

(Old  C'roitian  Lilt-.  1' 
Kindly  assisted  liy 
Jfr.  CiiirKKitiSi;  CmPP.Mr.HlCKOBI  i 
HT,  Professor  lUsii.  1'orr,  and   Madame 

;  v  ( li  i.l1. 

Tickets.  2l».,   l"i».   and    10*.   6Vf..    from 
I '\llll.  \VooK,  The  (ia/i'U),  Putin  y  Heath. 


\VALTi«N    HALL. 
:     the    Patronage    of   Sir    I,'. 
Rui'D  and  Sir  WIIJ.IAM   L\ 
MO.NI'AY  at  3  p.m. 
TiTARMAIM'KF  Ml.MHAM. 

MAK.MADrKF.  Ml.Mb'AM 
will  sing 

IE        ......  S«-hubert. 

SM.MO   i  ......  (iluckstein. 

(  in.  FINM-II  MINNOW  in  i. 

Arr.  by  1!.  I.' 

At    the    Piano      Miss    SI.K  Mti;ll«,i:,    who 
will    play    the    Overture    of    "The     I  >ry 

Flying  llut<-hiii:in." 
Ti.  :  Eft   l»/.        Half 

.1    I    p.m. 

fal*    l'i 


•  the  I  'rdcrs  fc.r  the  [lay  :  — 


JUNE  19,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


411 


AN    UNFORTUNATE    AMBIGUITY. 


Park  Gate-keeper.  "Ilfi's  DEAD,  Sin." 


Parson.  "WHERE  is  THE  OTHER  MAN  WHO  USED  TO  BE  HERE  AS  KEEPER?" 

Parson  (with  feeling).  "  DEAD  !    POOR  FELLOW  !    JOINED  THE  GREAT  MAJORITY,  EH  ?  " 

Park  Gate-keeper.  "On,  I  WOULDN'T  LIKE  TO  SAT  THAT,  SIR.    HE  WAS  A  GOOD  ENOUGH  IIAX  AS  FAR  AS  I  KKOW." 


THE  TOBACCO  TEST  OF  GENIUS. 

[A  writer  is  quoted  by  The  Evening  Standard 
as  stating  that  men  of  ability  —especially 
authors  —  cannot  keep  their  pipes  alight  when 
at  work,  and  that  a  genius  may  therefore  be 
recognised  by  the  barrier  of  lucifers  and 
vestas  with  which  he  has  surrounded  himself.] 

A  SMOKER  of  no  common  clay, 

I  feel  I'm  born  for  something  higher, 
Although  my  slender  means  to-day 

Don't  run  beyond  a  shilling  briar. 

A  meerschaum  bowl  six  inches  deep 
I  may  not  nurse  in  Teuton  fashion, 

Nor  strive  the  sacred  fire  to  keep 
Ever  alive  with  all  its  ash  on. 

Not  mine  to  pass  romantic  hours 

Aboard  a  Levantine  felucca 
And  conjure  dreams  of  dji nns  and  giaours 

From  out  a  grave,  judicious  hookah  ! 

No  Persian  narghile  is  mine 

Nor  calumet  nor  hubble-bubble  ; 

For  such  devices  to  repine 

I    think    'twere    scarcely    worth    the 
trouble. 

But  there  's  a  test  whereby  the  bard 
Among  the  Genii  is  reckoned  : 


While  deathless  odes  he 's  scribbling 

hard 
He  lets  his  pipe  out  every  second. 

That 's  just  my  foible — all  the  time 
1  sit  inditing  purple  patches, 

For  ev'ry  page  of  prose  or  rhyme 

I  smoke — about  ten  gross  of  matches  ! 

Ergo,  I  must  be  one  inspired  ! 
Why  else  this  heap   of    used 

stickors  ? 
My  Lady  Nicotine  has  fired 

The    lot!— and    there    the   last 
flickers ! 

And  with  it  disappears  the  Muse ; 

So,  if  my  brilliant  output  ceases, 
The  Editor  will  please  excuse 

This  sudden  aposiopesis. 


tand- 


one 


THERE  is  no  paper  like  the  Telegraph 
for  following  a  thought  out.  Here  is  a 
felicitous  example:— 

"  A  hundred  Warapite  boys  who  made  the 
round  voyage  to  Australia  in  the  four-masted 
barque  Port  Jackson  seem  to  have  done  very 
well.  Not  a  sing'e  one  of  them  has  thrown  up 
the  sea  after  the  first  taste  of  salt  water." 


Tonsorial  Notes. 

"ERNEST-TILBURY,  the  well-known  tenor, 
has  a  turn  of  exceptional  interest,  his 
rendering  of  Singe  Me  to  Sleep,  finely 
illustrated,  being  received  with  marked 
favour." — Liverpool  Daily  Post. 


LORD  Asirrox  has  set  a  fashion,  which 
we  commend  to  the  municipal  authori- 
ties of  I/Hidon  and  other  great  centres, 
in  providing  that  a  statue  which  he  has 
presented  to  the  town  of  Lancaster  shall 
be  unveiled  in  the  dead  of  the  night. 
We  have  not  seen  this  particular  statue, 
which  we  have  no  doubt  is  excellent  in 
every  way,  but  we  would  gladly  supply 
a  list  of  effigies,  existing  within  a  radius 
of  two  miles  from  the  Punch  office,  which 
we  think  might,  in  the  interests  of  art, 
be  unveiled  in  the  dead  of  night — and 
kept  veiled  by  day. 

Musical  Note. 

WE  understand  that  Mr.  HORACE  POTTS, 
the  singing  tram-conductor  of  Wakefield, 
is  to  play  a  small  part  in  Carmen. 


•IIL' 


PUNCH,  on  Tin-:  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I'.i.  1907. 


Molar,*     "I   »AT.   I'M   AWrtLLT   SOBBT  !      VoO    MCST   LET   HE  UTTLt   FOR  THIS,    A8    IT  WAS   REALLY   KT   fAl  LT. 

Iralt  Farmer.  "\ViuT  II'YE  rsr.tu.r  PAT?" 


WHAT   SHALL   I   PAT   IDU  ?  " 


•AND  A  GOOD  JUDGE  TOO." 

JuMum  et  tenarem  proponiti  vimm 
Noo  civiain  ardor    ..... 
Unite  qiutil  solid*. 

.-arid  robes  or  cnnino  deck 
Mis  DpntMtkxM  frame; 
He  lias  no  chain  aliout  his  neck, 
Nor  handle  to  liU  nai. 

no  Judge  upon  the  Hcncli, 
in.ixi.itr.it>-  uli 

iiuim-nt  seek  to  trench 
On  his  prerogative. 

He  need  not  be  supremely  wine  ; 

He  need  not  care  a  straw 
ForpoinU  when-  «lifTeronoc§  arise 

Twixt  K.piity  an>l  Inw, 
So  be  !-•  n|.ii^  'nng, 

And  quick  \\itli  f.n-t.i  to  d< 
from  his  sentence,  right  or  wrong, 
.-  may  a|  j 

From  hi-  .rit 

l.rror  w  bo  can  sue? 

lit" 
Who  dares  impeach  his  view  ? 


What 


right 


'I'n  make  surrender,  over-night 
Hi-  -till  entreats  the  bails? 

N»  written  judgments  vex  his  soul  ; 

A  nod,  a  lifted  hand  — 
Ami  in  a  Hash  the  tapes  unroll 
His  venlii-t  through  the  land. 
Ilia  one  short  word  of  letters  three 
'  .>•>  the  most  acute 

His  decree 
Is  always  absolute. 


To  his  injunctions 

•lissolutioii  yield  ; 
The  centuries  hang  upon  his  li].>  ; 

:'>cti\  hold  tin-  liold  ; 
And  yet  hi.-  >•>!>•  in.-i^nia  are 

Whit>-  coat  and  wl.  ii.it  ; 

And  all  the  |  li-.i'lin^s  ;it  hi, 

The  simple  wurd.-.      'll.nvV  that? 


By  which,  though  no  one  I  Varelli.' 


The  Passion  for  Publicity. 

Ax  advertiacnn  nt  in  the.Ucniii. , 
announces  in  the  most  In  that 

"The  First    Kim  :22'.HIi  Thru-  . 
,  Mmrqnis  De  LeuTflle,  will  be  repeated  br'  Mil- 


Cricket  Notes. 
Is    :HI    account   of    the 
Agricultur.il  Show  in  tin  l>tiily 

id  : 

I;ni7,  sir  A  (i. 
iif,'K.  Hart.,  Xi««'!cy  Hull 

Tlli-  .!i.-t  the  S..iitli  Afli- 

:t  will  !M' 


1  i,  M:    Mi;.   l'i  M  II.      XVith    !•• 

Living  Statuai  v\hich 

in;;  tin-  attention  ol 

various  sections  of  the   juililii-,  I    should 
like  to  a.-k.  Sir.  if  tin-  l'>i-!i"|>   of  I 
is   awaiv   that    Snilhwark    ('atlu-di.d 
without  any  C|. 

6    1    think 
ing  with   tin-   Mu.-ii 

II. ill.-  Ins  ln-olln  r  ] T.-lati-'s 

"i  '          Slloi  M.l>. 


. 'uliliahcr's   puff  :    "  Th> 
• 

. 

•rue  iniiiai. 
"  Although  '  :  y  touch. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— JUKE  19,  11)07. 


A    MIDSUMMER    DAY'S    DEEAM. 

C.-B.  (as  Bottom,  in  the  " Erdes  vein").   "LET   ME   PLAY  THE   LION  ....     I   WILL    ROAR,   THAT   I 
WILL  MAKE  THE  DUKES  SAY,   'LET  HIM  ROAR  AGAIN,  LET  HIM  ROAR  AGAIN!'" 

Midsummer  Night's  Dream. — Act  I.  Sc.  2. 
[The  Prime  Minister's  recently  published  resolution  dealing  with  the  House  of  Lords  is  promised-for  the  2-Uh  of  June,  being  Midsummer  Dav.l 


,h  M.  111.  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


145 


ESSENCE    OF     PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  PIAHT  OF  Tonv,  M.I'. 


OLD-WORLD  COURTESIES. 
The  Rt.  Hoii.  Lulu  Harcourt  and  the  Rt.  Hon.  Henry  Chaplin  go  in  for  elaborate  s.<lute  and  compliment  before  drawing  swords. 


House  of  Lords,  Monday,  June  10. — 
Good  deal  of  idle  talk  about  disinclina- 
tion of  Lords  to  adopt  reform.  Habi- 
tually pictured  as  drags  on  the  legislative 
cart,  prejudiced  persons  who  think  that 
nothing  new  is  good.  This  alleged 
infirmity  much  to  the  fore  just  now 
connection  with  strained  relations 
between  two  Houses.  C.-B.  is  going  to 
something  dreadful  to  the  Lords  with 
avowed  intention  of  bringing  them  into 
line  with  the  ( 'ouimons. 

To-night  aspersion  rebuked.  Action 
not  the  less  effective  because  it  was 
carried  out  without  beat  of  drum  or 
note  of  preparation.  Yin  NCI  WK.MYSS.  as 
usual  when  any  modernity  is  introduced 
in  I  .on Is,  set  the  ball  a-rolling.  As  is 
generally  known,  custom  exists  in  both 
Houses  of  Members  putting  questions 
ami  .Ministers  aiisweTiug  them.  Why 
this  clumsy  contrivance,  this  waste  of 
power,  this  assigning  1o  two  men  what 
one  can  accomplish. ?  If  blessed  be  the 
man  who  makes  two  blades  of  grass  grow 


where  formerly  one  flourished,  what 
beatitude  is  reserved  for  him  who  makes 
one  man  do  the  work  of  two  ? 

Six  weeks  ago  YOUXG  WEMYSS  addressed 
to  UXDER-SECRETAUY  FOR  WAR  certain 
questions  relating  to  the  unsubstantial 
Territorial  Army  which  lives  only  in 
fervid  imagination  of  N.  B.  HALDAXE.  As 
usual  when  cornered  by  a  man  of  superior 
information,  the  Minister  evaded  the 
essential  and  most  awkward  clauses  of 
the  catechism.  An  ordinary  Peer  would 
have  submitted  to  a  fate  common  by 
reason  of  its  daily  recurrence.  He  might, 
had  he  been  of  choleric  cast,  have  made 
protest,  and  there  the  matter  would  end. 

Youxa  WEMYSS  not  that  kind  of  person. 
He  straightway  placed  on  paper  notice 
of  intention  to  return  to  the  subject  and 
to  "  give  the  answers  to  the  questions  to 
which  the  UXDER-SECBETARY  failed  to 

reply.''  For  fuller  disgruntling  of  the 
pen-ant  Minister,  he  left  notice  on 
pa |  er  since  early  day  in  May.  Kvt-ry 
mojning  when  PORTSMOUTH,  seating  him- 


self at  the  breakfast-table  preparatory 
to  flooding  his  Harbour  (so  to  speak) 
with  tea  and  toast,  took  up  the  Orders 
of  the  Day  there  stared  him  in  the  face 
this  ominous  threat. 

Tripping  down  to  House  to-day,  Yot'XG 
WEMYSS  put  it  into  execution.  PORTS- 
MOUTH, the  unwonted  pallor  of  whose 
face  indicated  something  of  the  suffer- 
ings of  the  past  five  weeks,  petulantly 
complained  that  noble  Lord  had  failed 
to  accomplish  his  avowed  intention  of 
answering  his  own  questions.  But  the 
TJNDER-SEritETARY  FOR  WAR,  though  moan- 
ing well,  is  naturally  prejudiced.  The 
point  raised  is,  moreover,  an  immaterial 
detail  in  comparison  with  the  important 
far-reaching  reform  of  Parliamentary 
procedure  established.  If  the  example 
set  be  followed  in  both  Houses,  the 
saving  of  time  will  be  equivalent  to  at 
least  three  full  weeks  of  the  Session. 

Thing  in  its  infancy  ;    literally  born 
only   to-day.     Its   development  will   be 
with   interest.    Reasonable  to 


1TNVH.   OR  THK    I."M>"N    (  IIAKIVAIil. 


P.I    1907. 


expect  it  n 

.    ...  IIIMOII.     Members  under- 
.   to  answer  iheir  own 
questions   will,    in   eour> 
time,  find  it  convenient   ' 

to  l..r.  111^  homo  or  on 
lln-ir  I  'iiso. 

\Vithoul    desire    tn    detract, 
frvnn    originality     i.l 

-,  the  McmU-r  f.ir  SM:K 
out  that   tin 

tlio    idea    U    found    in    tlio 
o  of  1-lorenre  Domlify* 
atlmircr,    who.    when    .-till   n 
pupilat  /V.  /Miin'wr'*  academy, 
;.*l  niurli  "f  his  time  in 
writing  long  letters  to  him-ell 
fnuu    persons    of   distinction, 
addressed,    "  1' 
iiton,  Su*- 

Meanwhile,  in  thcConin 
Army  scheme  iiums  up  fur 
l.i.-t  time  in  ('oininittiv.  Ap- 
p  M ranee  c.f  lli.ii-e  a.-  u-ii.d 
dolorous  in  extreme.  H.\U>AM: 
Mis  on  Tn-a-ury  Bench  whence 
all  Init  he  had  led.  <  '11  Bench 
o|.|«>-itc  Anvoi.t>  T'OIISTKU  tcul, 
in  tin-  ultimate  stage  (if  menial 
ami  physical  depression.  < 'lily 
l(<i\v\uii  VINCKST  triiiinphnnt 
<i\iT  distressful  influence  of 
the  prolonged  discussion. 
Fora  iiKiment  he  succeeded  in  rousing 
tin-  select  gathering  from  the  depths 
of  soninoloiKV.  IVmonst niting  once 
inoro  the  doom  of  Volunteers  ex- 
tinguished by  N.B.H.'.s  scheme,  he 
illustrated  his  remarks  by  pictiip 
jointed  incident.  In  honour  of  visit 
to  City  of  King  of  DK\UARK  he  this 
morning  Ixnight  himself  brnnd-new  hut. 
On  rising  to  spenk  for  tenth  time, 
carefully  placed  it  on  Bench  behind, 
out  of  reach  of  careless  Members  passing 
to  and  fro.  Putting  finishing  touch  to 
lurid  picture  of  hapless  Kngland  bereft 
of  the  protection  of  the  Queen's  West- 
min-tei  -i,  he  cried  aloud,  "  If,  Mr. 
KM  «<•!  r,  the  special  contingent  proposals 
in  this  Hill  are  carried,  r*i>rtt  tic  corps 
aiming  the  men  will  IK-  Chattered." 

•  orators  would  have  been  content 
to  leave  th'-re  the  forceful  pbnise.     Not 
si   tli<*  gallant   C -I  n.  I.     As   ho  spoke 
there  Hashed  upon  his  mind  the  possi- 
bility of  n  dramatic  ivlio  of  his  words. 
Tin-    siciilicc   would    be    costly.      Hut 
what    is    10*.     Gd.     weighed     in     the 
I  til. nice     against     tlio     safety     of     the 
Kmpire?     Without  a  moment's  hesita- 
tion, with  the  terrible  word  "slut: 
Mill     throbbing    through     the     I 
HOWARD  Vurcorr  sat  down  0:1  hi*  li.it, 
which  flattened  out  with  a  IH...UI, 
of  anguish  almost  human  in  its  int 

llutincfi  dtne. — In  Commons  Army 
Hill  finally  rarried  throtu 

//••me  of   Comment,    :  PIT 

utrite 


Li  THE  CAUSE  or  EXI-IUE. 
"  II. .« aril  Vincent  sat  down  on  his  hat." 

in  liotli  camps.  Admiration  for  his 
military  K'ft«  universal.  To-night  in 
Committee  of  Supply  an  audience,  few 
but  lit,  sat  spell-bound  whilst  out  of 
profound  depth:)  of  knowledge  he  ex- 
pounded the  my.-terics  of  cordite. 

Old  Members  may  recall  a  lecture 
delivered  from  same  side  of  the  table 
by  l.v>x  1'i.uKAiii.  Topic  was  Marg-a- 
rine,  a  Kiihstancc  just  then  dawning  on 
the  British  butter  market.  For  the 


i  i  lin -id.ition  of  his  theme, 

l'i  \\i  MI:    produced    from    his 
•  id     piK-ket-     and     other 

.11  lit    of 

the    compound.      Tin 

id    on     the    tablo 
him.    handling    them    witli   a 

f.imili.n  ily   that   :il 

I    tho    ignorant    ilumi^ 
udi 

III        llefi-li-Mi-i-        (•> 

prejudice,  N.  1!.  II.  abandoned 
eailiiT  intention  of  liiin^iii^ 
doun  a  t' 

i  i.rdite  and  letting  them  «ft 
under  t! 

I'l'iich.      Si   lucid   \\.is  the  ex- 
planation that  their  assistance 
\vas  hardly  mi.-.-i-d.     Ti 
ticular    i  d-  .-ireil  to 

illuminate  \\.i-~  that  in  which 
In-  dc-cnl'cd  tin-  preliminariei 

nf  c\|'li'si"ii. 

"  In  niii"  -I.M'i  i  ine  and 
gun  cotton,"  lie  siiid,  "  the 
atoms  of  oxygen  and  . 

lie     i  lllpleN 

lliolicille.       Tl 

an  unstable  combination  with 
the  nitrogen,  and  being  in  the 
same  molecule  it  tan  rush 
quickly  to  the  (arU-n  and 
produce  a  tre  meiidm:.-  (  xpl(  -ion." 

Here  he  had  meant  to  work  off  the  hit 

of coxdite deposited  ln-neath  tl.e  1'imli 
opposite,  as  nearly  as  p.  -,-ible  under  the 

place    \\liere     1 1  MM;V    ClIMIIS     i- 
tome<l    to    sit.     HouiNir.    tl.oii^li 
lntcly  ,'ufe,  thei'  '-itain  ol> 

to  this  f-ort  of  thing.  On  reflection  he 
gave  it  up. 

Not  disposed   oltoget! 
>ipl><>rtuuity  of  givii; 
shock.     Apart   from   phy-ical 
>liares    with    t:  \    in   /'ir/.-icic/,- 

the   desire    to   make    \oiir    Hesh 
Yielding   to   this,    he   i-.dmilted   th 
session    of    a    walking  .-tick     m;i 
cordite  ;  confe~.-ed    he    had    I 

t"lned  to  brin^  it  douil  to  the  lloil.-e 
and  leave  it  in  charge  of  iin. 
guardian  of  dcok-roOTO.  Mcmlier.- 
shuddered  a-  t'  .  d  on  the  risks 

they  had  run.  N"  |  •  1 1>  d  n:entioni  d 
liH'ating  oli-i  i  V.IIH  e  i-l  the  genial  habit. 
At  l!  mi'iiient,  for  all  they 

knew,  this  diabolical  instrument  miyht 
bo  standing  l«'lt  upright  in  ti;e  mid.-t 

of     their      sliek-      ,ii:d      Illnbrellas     ;lo\MI- 

•  -i.d     fielin^'    that     X.    H.,    in    In- 
blind   di  \.  ii"!    '  '  id.  iM- 
it.      With   a    ii   1:1   •  i     hi-   erudition   and 
DC   ( .in    say  how    fa: 

for  the  distribution  of  knouk-d^. 
carry   him.       \Vlien    it    i 
bility    'T     coi. current     di.-tribntiou     of 
arms  and  '  :it  on  the  walk 

V     .Meuilx.-rs  ngnc 


JINK  19,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


417 


A    HINT    FOR    FUTURE    HORSE    SHOWS. 

IF  lov  CAN'T  HAVE  ENGLISH  JUMPS,  wirr  NOT  MAKE  YOCR  CHOICE  OF  OBSTACLES  FAIRLY  INTEBNATIONAL? 


that  reasonable  limits  have  been  over- 
Bteppod. 

Business  done. — In  Supply  on  Army 
Estimates. 

Thursday. — ST.  AUGUSTINE  and  HOME 
SECRETARY  share  the  burden  of  the  break- 
age of  the  union  of  hearts  effected  in 
connection  with  Irish  Council  Bill. 
Unmuzzled  after  prolonged  period  of 
discipline,  Irish  Members  are  making  up 
for  lost  time.  Question  hour  is  pro- 
longed by  pertinacious  inquiry  "arising 
out  of  that  answer." 

HERBERT  GLADSTONE  bombarded  with 
questions  implying  conspiracy  to  pre- 
vent honest  Irishmen  from  earning  a 
weekly  wage  by  compounding  illegal 
explosives.  ST.  AUGUSTINE  stands  be- 
tween two  fires.  The  Ulster  Members 
accuse  him  of  truckling  to  sedition  in 
Ireland  ;  Nationalists  regard  with  sus- 
picion his  dealings  with  landlords. 

And  yet  neither  Minister  is  quite 
happy. 

Business  d on e.  —Small  Holdings  Bill 
read  second  time. 


MY  RECOLLECTIONS  OF  THE  C.O.M. 

By  the  Rev.  Jasper  LiUlelutle. 

I  HAVE  been  asked  by  my  dear  wife, 
fortified  in  her  request  by  my  son-in-law, 
the  respected  Town  Clerk  of  Hoo,  and 
other  members  of  my  family  -(not  to 
omit  little  golden-haired  ALICE,  who  is 
at  this  moment  on  my  knee — the  sweetest 
bud  of  femininity  ever  seen),  to  set 
down,  while  yet  my  memory  is  faithful 
and  my  mind  robust,  my  recollections 
of  the  late  WILLIAM  EWART  GLADSTONE. 

Gladly  do  I  respond  to  this  invitation, 
believing  as  I  do  that  there  is  no  form 
of  literature  more  valuable  than  trust- 
worthy accounts  of  great  men. 

To  begin,  then,  it  was  in  1877,  when 
I  was  a  young  student  fresh  from  college 
and  full  of  the  joy  of  life  and  firm  belief 
in  my  vocation— a  belief  in  which  I 
have  never  wavered — that  I  first  saw 
the  G.O.M.,  although  I  may  remark  that 
those  endearing  initials  had  not  then 
been  conferred  upon  him  by  a  nation's 
affection  and  respect.  I  was  at  Chester, 


whither  I  had  come  on  a  walking  tour 
with  my  cousin,  since  deceased,  a  youth 
of  undoubted  genius  who,  like  myself, 
was  trained  for  the  Ministry,  and  would, 
had  he  lived,  have  beyond  question  been 
a  second  SPURGEON.  However,  he  died. 

Well,  we  were  in  a  second-hand  book- 
seller's shop  turning  over  some  dusty 
volumes,  when  a  gentleman  entered  and 
at  once  engaged  the  shopman,  who  was 
a  well-read  intelligent  fellow,  on  the 
subject  of  church  architecture.  This  not 
being  a  theme  in  which  I  am  much 
interested,  I  went  on  rummaging  among 
the  books  and  succeeded  at  last  in  find- 
ing something  I  had  long  wanted  to 
read— MUNUY'S  Necdicood  Forest,  to  be 
exact — when  the  gentleman  left.  It  was 
then  that  the  shopkeeper  turned  to  me 
and  said,  "  Do  you  know  who  that  was  ?  " 
"  No,"  I  replie'd.  "  That,"  said  he,  "  is 
Mr.  GLADSTONE." 

Years  passed  and  I  saw  him  again. 
This  time  it  was  in  Scotland,  just  outside 
Edinburgh,  in  the  year  1880,  or  possibly 
1881.  My  dear  wife  and  I  had  been 


1TNCH, 


T1IK    LOX1  i!  MMVAltl. 


a  fr.,  1   IK*  »t..p.  I         •  I 

i      i  .  i  r    .  i          I I       1 r-      •>     il.u.iin.r     if  1 1 1 1 1 1  ...*•    -it     :! 


ii.i.l.    hov  .,•   ghmp 

M-st    private   libr..  saw  (I  window  of  jure  surmounted  bj 


test    private 

ilx-r  ii  h  > 
•  lit  i  "iis,   of   the  n 

.  and  converse  I'n 

lia  occasion  w.  r  •  walk  on 

lie  hill*.  an<l  on  it-turning 
•ascd   us  at  a  rapid   pace.     It  •. 

.lay  and  I  could  not  sec  very  well, 
mt  through  n  fortunate  break   in   the 

that   followed  the  rolling  v 
distinctly  discerned  the  features  of  the 
5  rand    Old     Man—  familiar    then    from 
.holographs  in  all  the  shops  and  ] 
n  the  papers.    At  first  my  wife  could 
lot  U-lieve  it  was  he;    but  on  the  day 
ollowing  we  read  in  the  papers  that  he 
tad  been  driving  in  that  direction  on  the 
>rerious  afternoon,  and   then  she  was 
•ompletely  satisfied  and  happy. 
Tin-  third  time  I  saw  him  was  in  the 

MI    Theatre,    in   the  days  of    Sir 

IKXBT   IRVIW.     I   am   not  a   playgoer, 

illhough  I  ilo  not  indiscriminately  rc- 

>rehend  the  practice  in  others;  but   on 

his  occasion  1  could  not  very  well  stay 

away,    since    the   exjtedition     had    been 

made  on  behalf  of  an  aged  uncle  whose 

•in-  wish  was  to  see  Sir  HKSHY,  and  who 

could    not    well    go   alone.     I    therefore 

accompanied   him  to  the  pit,  and  n  very 

enjoyable  evening  I  must  say  we  had. 

lliit  with  me,  1  will  confess,  the 
•hief  interest  was  not  the  play,  although 
was  one  of  Sll\K-H.Ai:K's,  lint  the 
middle  IKIX  on  the  left  as  one  looked  at 
tin-  stage',  for  in  that,  1  was  told  In  a 
ivil  man  sitting  next  tome,  were 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  <!i  u-i  <M:  and  a  party  of 
Friends  It  is  in  i  e\.  liberation  t 
that  1  did  not  take  my  eye*  off  that  liox 
the  whole  evening.  1  was  rewarded  now 
and  then  l>y  a  glimpse  of  white  hair,  as 
the  i  i  <  '  M.  li-aiied  a  little  more  forward 
in  hi-  .  \.  itement  ;  l>nt  that  was  all.  It 
was.  however,  ill  the  highest  dcgn-e 
gratifying  to  me.  and  1  have  IHI-II  a 
firm  Home  Ruler  since  that  night. 

•»  more,  and  only  once,  did  I  see 


.    with 
\lnte  hair     .n  . 
That    was    the    List    time    I    saw    the 

;«>M.  | 

IN    THK    ITALIAN    ».»r.\l:TKI!. 

THE  event  of   the  operatic  week  has 

been  the  re  entry  of  Mine,  t  IIA.  HKIII  ii. 
A  Toffn.  Von  have  to  !»•  in  the  front 
if  the  house  to  appreciate  the  work  of 
he  only  great  IragediaMt  we  > 
talian  Opera.  At  the  hack  of  the  andi- 
oriuin  her  delicate  facial  play  is  lost, 

especially  when,  in  the  S'<- 1  Ad,  the 

1 -candle    power    illumination    of    the 
•"arnese  Palace  is  reduced    to    a   dim 

religious  light  of  2-c.p.      As  for  Signor 
0,    the    farther  off  from    hii 

ore   the    better.     His    L'<ir»ni<lu»fi    was 


Mr.    ' 

station  in  1888. 


It 


at    Kettering 


I  had  been  down  !• 


ring  to  assist  a   brother  minister 
at  the  opening  of  hi*  new  church  ;  and 


on  the  III-M  day,  after  a  most 

.g  among  the  more  intei 
section  of  Kettering  society,  in  whicl; 
my  friend  was  a  shining  light,  he  having 
lerful  gift  for  reading  aloud,  1 
was  waiting  for  my  train  to  take  roe 
back  to  London,  wl,  ed  a  large 

crowd  on  the  opposite  platform.  On 
inquiry  I  learned  that  the  G.O.M.  was 
passing  through  to  the  North  and 


expected  to  make  a  short  speech  while 
the  train  stopped.     1   need  hanlly  saj 
that  I  hurried  to  the  other  side,  and  will 
as  lin  sa  as  possible  edged  m\ 

way  to  the  front    At  last  the  train  came 
but  through  some  misunderstanding  it 


"  K<VO  C!C   ARTISTA  !  " 

The  shooting  of  Cararaiiittl. 
(Sigiior  Caruso.) 

pcriiliarly   portly   figure,   and  nearly 

it    down     the    Attavanti 
when     he    hail    to    s.|iiit-/e 


liini- 


self  through  them.  A  pity  that  his 
experience  in  the  torture  chamber  could 
not  have  taken  the  form  of  severe  IKK|V- 
massage.  Hut  he  sang  nobly  in  the 
famous  solo  /•,'  /IKVIVIII  /<•  .•/<•//(•,  lini-hing 
up  with  one  of  those  sob-cracks  which 
have  In-come  so  popular  a  feature  with 
the  gallery.  Still  one  mi>-ed  the  personal 
appeal  of  Signor  Xi  \\iii  to.  Signor 
SCOTTI  was  at  his  happiest,  licing  far 

sen'exl  with  the  part  • 
than  with  that  of  stodgy  Giorgio  Germont 
in  La  Trariata. 

I   hope   that  when   i"V  is   re- 

peated  a  more  effei  • 


\iolenee  Mil. 

I,  but  lackitl  \arn  t  uld  I 

quite  make  out  why  '  'A  mn: 

1  with  thing-  in  g. 
1'iinill- i  .-i    i-     rut    an    opera     that     can 
afford  to  be  indifferently  -ung.     At  best 

it  old.  tin-  tail  •  nd  »f  a  If.. 

and     even     within     its     narrow    limits 

contains    a    lot 

its  own  sa  waiting  nothing 

to    the    main    design.     It     is    si 

for  the-e  d 

hackneye  I     a  fate  that    can    ne\i-r  U'fall 

however   familiar   its  mi  i 
because    every   note   of    it    is    e> 
to   the    whole    dramatic   organism.       In 
contrast    with    < ',,.-,i//,  ,-,',i.   and    gaining 
something  by  juxtaposition.  I'n*j1. 
that   other    tragedy    in    miniature  —  re- 
mains  unstated   by  custom.     This    with 
full  allowance  f»r  the  de\a-tating  laliours 
of  the  barrel  organ,  from   which    S 

work     h 

sufferer!  is  largely  due  to  tin-  originality 
of  its  design,  and  its  more  drama). • 
centration.    And  it  eertainK  enjoyed,  the 
other   night,  a  much   U-tter   rendering, 
l-'raul'  '  I'un 

delight.   SUrio might  assume  proprietary 
airs  and  speak  of  "  i/  mioaetttn,"  but 
he    whole    House    ha-    I 
ier  to  its  heart.     Signor  SXMMMH- 
Tonio'f  Prologue  like   the  line  artist  In 
is,  and   had  a  great  triumph   all   to  him- 
self.    Sigi  >''gel\ 
supplied    by  the  gallery:  was   moi 

I   anil  not  nearly  so  well  d. 
Signor   S-AXIHAXI,  who   t..  k    a   part    in 
each  opera,  was   not    ideal,  either 
injured    husband    or   a-    a     pn >j 

pondent 

Finally.     1     Imiie    the 
ment    will    in    future    lememler    that 
when,     as     in     I'tajl'infc'i,     you     have    a 
]>lay  within   a    play,  you    also  ha 
audience   in  front  of  an   audience:  and 
the    spivtators    on    t:  to  be 

carefully     kept     under.      Carried 
with    natural    excitement,   they    r 
their  f.vt   and   got    right    in   my  I. 
juM  a-  the  scullle  Ix-gan. 

'•  thealriea'  'ative 

•  that,  ill  his  review  of  Mi/  \\ 

eonfiis.  d    tin-  character  of   M.  I'.r 

i  by  Mr.  A  i  HOI    Sn.\\  MM.  with  that 

,,(  '/:.'  pla\ed    b      Mr.    II. 

:  Mr    AllMi.   Si 

who  ought  to  1  ntic's 

compliments  f,r  "a  very  defth 

study  in  deportment."  and  t..  have  had 

his   own     name    under    t 

himself. 


As  Tur'nllit  Mr.  WHI.MIJ.Y.  tin- 
young  American,  had  only  one  attitude, 
and  1.  nicely  trained  in  the 

Italian  manner,  could   not   find   its  way 
through  an  orchestra  which  Signo: 
PANIXI   pennitli' 1  i  i  |  l.i\   with  n-I- 


"'it  of  control,  n  • 

*  tree  MM   llie  lavement    in   St  Croige's   Road, 
t'ainlierwell."-    Krrntn-j  .Vrim. 

I'.i  i  if  you  jmt  aniseed   on  the  ground 


the     always 


own  after  it. 


JTOB  19,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


410 


A    COVENTRY    TALE. 

[As  Mr.  Punch's  readers  already  know,  the 
Mayor  of  Coventry,  in  expressing  his  dis- 
approval of  the  costume  which  LA  Hi  LI  i  has 
been  instriirteil  to  ive.-ir  at  the  forthcoming 
pageant,  is  reported  to  have  threatened  to 
sever  his  connection  with  the  whole  proceed- 
ings "  unless  the  fleshings  and  transparent 
gauze  are  abandoned."] 

WHAM  thnt  chill  June  with  sleet  and  icy 

shoures 
Ilath   Jro7.cn  all   the   sap   in   summers 

floures, 

And  cuckoo,  waxing  wrooth,  with  irousdin 
Cries  out  that  winter  is  icumen  in, 
Whan  on  the  hearth-stone  smokes   the 

ruddy  ember 
That    thrifty    wyves    meant   for    drere 

December — 

Then  Ion  gen  folk  to  maken  pageantrye  ; 
And  specially  the  men  of  Coventrye 
Will  think  of  hir  that  for  hir  folkes  sake 
A  task  of  wonder  love  did  undertake, 
And  through  the  streets  did  ryde  full 

semely 

Y-clad  in  noght  but  love  and  modesty. 
And  for  to  celebrate  this  ladye  swete 
The  burghers  of  this  toun  did  hold  it 

mete 

That  they  in  memory  of  hir  should  goon 
Through  Coventrye  in  hy  processioun. 

Bifel  that  as  they  spake  of  the  manere 
Of  this  great  pageant,  soon  there  gan 

appeare 

A  litel  cloud,  no  more  than  mannes  hand, 
That  grew  until  it  covered  all  the  land. 
Ther  came  a  ladye,  fair  as  any  Greek, 
Fresh  from  some  gilded  Palace  of  Musyk : 
Parfit  she  was  in  form,  and  her  figure — 
There  never  was  noon  swich,  ye  may  be 

sure, 

Since  Venus  turned  to  marble  in  Milo — 
Herself  she  said  it,  and  sheshoulde  know. 
This  ladye,  for  to  show  the  world  her 

grace, 

In  the  processioun  would  take  her  place 
As  fayre  GODIVA,  clad  in  no  more  dress 
Than  fleshy ngs-  since  she  mighte  wear 

no  less. 

Then  was  ther  much  ado  in  Coventrye  ; 
Quod    some,   "  We   trow    that    this   ne 

shoulde  be. 
In  very  socth,  great  shame  it  will  us 

doon 

If  that  tliis  wenche  cometh  to  our  toon 
And  in  swich  shameless  nakedness  arises 
To  ryde  our  streets  so  as  she  now  devyses, 
And  \ve   shall   bear   with   mochel   care 

and  \vo 
'1  he  worlilc's  scorn.  What  nedeth  wordes 

mo  ?  " 
Hut  ntlirrs  sayde,  "Honour,  not  shame* 

'twill  bring. 
In  all  the  world  ther  nis  noon  swic-h 

fayre  thing 

As  iraunes  form,  but  that  it  be  a  maides, 
And  of  them  all  niostparfit  is  this  ladyes. 
Pitye  it  were  to  hide  \vitli  doke  of  silk 
A  skin  more  fayre  and  wliyt  than  niorno 

milk. 


IN    THE    WEST   COUNTREE. 

Farmer  Trepolpen.   "  Two  TO  LOOE."  Booking  Clerk.  "  TIP,  Pir !  " 


If  that  ye  fear  ye  may  be  ledde  astray, 

Remembre,  pura  pun's  omnia, 

Quod  good  seynt  Paid.     Ther  nis  namo 

to  seye." 
A  Maire  ther  was,  and  that  a  worthy 

man, 
None  worthier  fro  the  time  the  world 

bigan : 

His  wordes  all  were  ful  of  hy  sentence 
Fit  to  ben  holden  digne  of  reverence ; 
In  sooth  ther  was  noon  might  with  him 

compare  — 

He  was  a  verray  parfit  gentil  Maire. 
Whan  that  he  herde  how  thinge  mighte 

be, 
This  worthy  Maire  did  wax  ful  wrooth, 

pardee. 

His  counsel  was  nat  longe  for  to  seche  ; 
Souninge     in     moral    vertu     was     his 

speche. 
"Lordinges,"    quod    he,    "a   worde    I 

woulde  seyn  ; 
This  is  the  poynt,  to  spoken  short  and 

pleyn ; 


This  wenche  must  hir  fleshings  abandoun 
Whan  that  she  goth  in  this  processioun  ; 
ELles  I  will  nat  let  mine  even  stray 
To  look  on  hir.     Ther  nis  namo  to  seye." 


Sauve  qui  Peut. 

"THEAIBE  PANIC. 
RUNNERS  AND  BETTING." 

Star  Potter. 

Tills  is  a  sufficiently  grim  comment  on 
human  nature,  showing  at  once  its 
cowardice  and  callousness. 


THERE  is  always  something  going  on 
in  Jamaica.  In  the  Jamaica  Daily 
Telegraph  the  eye  is  arrested  by  the 
following  headlines : — 

"  COMET  FALLS  INTO  THE  SEA  AT 
MONFEGO  BAY 

AND  Two  MEN  FLOGGED  IN  JAIL  YARP 
FOB  STEALING  BANANAS," 


180 


PI-NTH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVAIM. 


19.  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(Hi/  Mr.  !  f  Learn: 

\\'\:\.  .-.1:1    unconscious"  historian?  Miss  MAR  > 
thinks  1.  an,l  i|lat 

history  is  seldom  just  in  cith.-r  In  her  verdict. 

Dear!  LVar!  Theseb  :-.li».  Hut, my  good  ' 

if  you  will  "conscioii  :  Umknnd  its  j 

will  sec  that  the  corr. 

fiction)  is  not  such  a  simple  matter  as  it  looks.  In  y»ur 
preface  to  Tin-  <  •  \\  us 

that  the  impartial  inquirer  can  absolve  ScotLr 

•  •rime  known  ns  the  Massacre  -•.  and  i 

tale  which  defamed  I/.nl  St.\m  was   ptiro   invention.      V.  t    in 

your  h'  :  lythat  Smu  deliberately  planned 

to  "ev  :iftcr  In-  knew  that   tl< 

taken  the  oath  of  fealty.     "It  shall  make differe 

will  make  an  example  of  them."  And  onco  more,  when 
CAMPBELL  <u  no  to  "  rout  out  your  cursed  den  of 

murderers,  and  to  slay  every  HtdXaULDIUUUr  seventy,"  it  was 
"  by  the  command  of  Scotland  and  the  King."  So  that  when 
sweet  seventeen  sits  in  judgment  on  the  "conscious"  historians 
of  the  past,  and  only  succeeds  in  contradicting  herself,  it 


In  H,i  (/,,-  H'.i//,  by  Kn  IUII 

I  n-.nl  of  tin-  kind  of  folk  t 

in  L'ndoi: 

Where  Father  Thames  mils  in  from  the  BOB 
And  er.  dix-k-lippi  d  i 

An  though  liy  a  parson's  hand  it's  writ 
Who  lives  in  tin-  place.  and  it  's  BO  >i 

That  humour,  pathos,  something  of  wit 
nl  make  of  it, 

Hut  chief  in  the  texture  is  deftly  knit 
A  knowledge  of  human  kind. 


In    My    Liff  a  »  tin    Iiuli,in   i.loiis 


Mr. 


ds  how  he  came  to  live  and   love  and   marry  union:;    tin- 
Black    Feet  Indians.      It  .nly  averred    in  an   editorial 

note  that   the    story    is   not   a    romance    hut    a   matter  of  fact 
account  of   veritable   incidents.      A   dillicnlty   in   the  wa. 


to  be  rather  a  case 
of  unconscious  humour  than 
of  unconscious  his  ory.  Un- 
doubtedly your  fairy  god- 
mother bestowed  upon  you 
the  gift  of  story-tolling. 
But,  in  all  humility  I  sug- 
gest it,  would  it  not  be  a 
good  thing  to  grow  a  year  or 
two  older  before  yon  tell  us 
another? 


;  ling  this  assurance  is  found  on   (-\eiy  pa^e.  wlier. 

•  upon  blooilthirsty  raiils  of  Indians  on   i  ;  .ith, 

with  scalping  and  other  cheerful  concomitants.     Ti 
things  described  as  happening  within  the  per.- 
of   folk   still   alive  is,   in   brief,  exactly  the  .t  uas  in 


The    Four   dastrvnomlttt 
would    have    been    a    more 
suitable  title  for  Mr.  .Im-sos's 
Four    I'hUanthrop'ut$ 
wra).     For,  though   this  al- 
truistic quartette  starts  out 
with    the    virtuous    resolve 
of  "removing"    fraudulent 
financiers  and  other  objectionable  characters  by  the  simple  dose  daily. 
expedient  of  murder,  their  indomitable  perseverance  in  lunch- 
ing and  dining  ut  a  certain  re.stauruut-de-luxe  is  by  far  the 
most  noticeable  feature  of  the  book  ;    indeed  the  writer  can 


The  Lion.  "\\'IUT!     MOKE  LI  VINO  STATrAUT?     Tn 

Or  TASTE  OX   WHICH   I   MUST  PROMPTLY   DECIDE !  " 


days  when  FKMMOI.-J: 
wrote.  There  an-.  for  exam- 
ple, as  many  herd*  of  buffalo 
roaming  the  prairies  as  M  hen 
LeatJtentockiitg  wa.-out  with 
his  gun.  That  is.  how. 
.i  detail.  'J'he  play  is  the 
thing,  and,  like  Buffalo 

mis  on  the  plains  where 
Mr.      S  Hi  IT/.       successfully 
passed   as  an    Indian    horn 
and    bred.       The   narrative 
originally  appeared  in  serial 
form,  to  which  it  i- 
best  adapted.  In  succeeding 
episodes  running  through  a 
dozen  or  twenty  pages  ; 
is,  necessarily,  a  t.  . 
monotony.       This    may    be 
easily  averted  by   taking    a 


It  will  be  found  refreshing  and  invigoi 


Mr.  CHARLES  G.  HARPER  has  done  it  again.    This  time  it  is 
called  Rural  Nooki  round  London,  and   is   published    l>y 

hardly  escape  the  suspicion  of  being  a  propagandist  with  a  CIIAPMAN  AND  HALL.  The  idea  of  writing  a  volum.  about 
personal  bias  against  the  managements  of  rival  restaurants. '  rural  nooks  near  a  great  city  (even  supposing  one  could  pass 
In  off-hours,  however,  a  plot  (which  owes  a  trifle,  pcrliaps,  to '  a  word  like  nook)  is  a  mistake.  You  should  not  let  the  public 


Mr.  J.  M.  BABJUK'S  Better  Dead)  is  sustained  with  some  inge- 
nuity, cud,  despite  the  use  of  sandbags  and  chloroform- 
nooses,  pnomn  off  without  actual  bloodshed.  Wicked  and  un- 


savoury gen 
Musketeers  t 


in  the  City  are  treated  much  as  the  Four 
ted  RICHELIEU  and  MAZAHIX  ;  and  (to  disarm 


criticism)  the  proceeds  in  blackmail  go  to  an  orphan  asylum. 
The  idea  is  ingenious  and  might  excuse  such  farcical  impro- 
babilities as  a  hero  handicapped  by  the  name  of  Cheluiai, 
or  a  heroine  who  resides  in  the  rooms  of  a  gentleman  at 
the  Temple  (as  his  sister;  for  nearly  thr.-e  hundred  page*. 
t  'n  fortunately  the  author  takes  his  situations  and  cha 
much  too  seriously;  they  ought  to  have  gone  at  a  gallop, 
in  the  manner,  say,  of  Mr.  II;  in  •-'  Londoner*.  The  interest 
is,  however,  well  maintained  by  tome  smart  financial  opera- 
tions which  culiMni.it.'  in  the  MOO|>  of  a  granite  i|ii.n  i 


the  complete  discomfiture  of  the  heaviest  villain.      Incidentally 
I  don't  see  why  a  young  woman  should  be  called  an\liodv's 
lad,  despite  t)  .ce  of  its  plums. 

is  survly  better  without  a  terminal  "  t." 


into  the  secret  of  these  charming  solitudes,  or  tin-.. 
tudes  no  longer.  Assignations,  cloaked  and  booted,  at 
Ealing  Town  Ilall  become  the  object  of  general  remark. 
I  know  a  man  who  used  to  run  down  (figur.it  iv. 
week  to  the  Market  Place.  1'sbridgf.  there  to  commune 
with  Nature.  I  suppose  that  Mr.  Ihi:ni:  di.-ci, \ered  him 
there  one  day  ;  anyhow  he  conies  out  with  a  large  photograph 
of  it.  The  result  is  that  tin1  my.-tery  is  gone,  and  thou.-and* 
now  will  flock  down  of  a  Saturday  to  disturb  my  friend's 
meditations.  On  his  behalf,  on  lie-half  of  all  lovers  of 
solitude.  1  utter  niv;  protest. 


A  noun  's  the  following  conundrum  to   Thr 


Wattrford 


\.  ••• 


'  1 


•i    any    c.f    y>'iir    v.ilnaMc    j»iini:il    hay    wlicn    llw    Irnn 
Ul.ni'l  '  w:i-.  .ij'i'lii"!  l«i  I!H'  tv\i)  it.'..  ..nl  '!  " 

We   cannot    specify    the   exact    date,    but    we    believe    that. 
the    term    "  lirioh    Island"  i    during    an 

.ike. 


JI-S-E  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


151 


CHARIVARIA. 
WE  understand  that  all  tin-  ill •!•• 


Siuco  tln>  announcement  was  made  course,  very  true.  We  liave  known  a 
that  the  Tuppenny  Tube  was  ID  become  horse  of  such  unexpected  shape  that,  a 
the  Tlm-ppenny  Tube,  the  line  lias  U-en  motorcar  has  shied  on  catching  sight 


of  the  South  American  KYpublics  to  the   crowded  with  bargain-hunters  enjoying  of  it. 
K  BG6  <  'oul'crencc  have  received    in -I  rue-    the  cheap  ride  while  it  is  possible. 

tions  on  no  ooo  "mi  t"  consent  to  any 
proposal  which  would  deprive  them  of 


their  Revolutions.   It  is  pom-rally  re  a  1  iaed 

that  tin-  peoples  of  those  countries  would 
languish   if  they  \vi-re  deprived  of  their 

only  healthy  recreation. 

*  * 

Tin"  Olmrrrn-  makes  a  shocking  revela- 
tion as  to  overcrowding 
in  London.  It  declares 
on  excellent  authority 
that  laM  \\eek  the  town 
was  so  full  that  several 
millionaires  from  Ame- 
rica had  to  sleep  in 
Dloomsbury. 

*  * 

We  are  informed  that 
a  certain  well-known 
novelist  looks  upon  the 
Advertisements  h'ogula- 
tion  Bill  as  an  un- 
warranted attempt  to 
interfere  with  the  rights 
of  individuals. 

*  * 
* 

It    is    rumoured    thxt 

MAKK  TWAIN  has  received 
a  communication  from 
the  King  of  the  BEL- 
GIANS offering  to  defray 
the  entire  expense  of  the 
obsequies  referred  to  by 
the  American  humourist 
upon  his  arrival  in  this 
country.  The  only  con- 
dition that  His  MA.IKSM 
makes  is  that  the  funeral 
shall  take  place  at  once. 

DC     * 

The  fact  that  the  visit 
of  the  LOIID  MAYOR  to 

Berlin  should  have  been 
a  success,  although  he 
did  not  take  with  him 
the  l»rd  Mayor's  Coach- 
man, is  a  matter  of  some 
surprise  to  the  Lord 

Mavor's  ( 'oaehnian. 

*  * 

The  announcement  that  the  new 
Admiralty  dry  dock  at  Hong  Kong, 
which  has  just  been  completed,  was 
•d  one  day  la>t  week  leads  an 
indignant  tax-payer  to  express  the 
hope  that  no  pains  will  bo  spared  to 
discover  who  is  responsible  for  this. 

The  Puritan  Parly  has  received  a  set- 
back.  Hounds  kept  For  sporting  purposes 

are  to  be  allowed  to  run  about  in  a  state 
of  nudity.     It  lias  been  decided  that  the 
Dogs  Order,  proscribing  a  minimum  of 
dress   in   the  furm  of  a  collar,  d<  <• 
apply  to  them. 


*  * 


Apparently  the  fashion  of  huge  hats 
The  holiday  season  will  soon  be  on   for   ladies    is   about    to   spread    to  the 


us,  .-Hid   those  who  are  on  the  look-out  other  sex.     Among  Messrs. 

for  some  light  reading  will  be  glad  to  announcements   we    notice   a    work    by 

hear  thai   M.-.-.-rs.  LOV;M\NS  A,  Co.  have   (!.  W.  BKI.DAM  and  C.  B.  Fur  entitled 

at  last  published   "A  l>CM-riptive  Cata-  Great  Bowlers. 

lo^'iie   of    the   Tertiary   Vertebrates   of 

the  Kayuni."     This  book  confirms  what 


*  * 


t.' 


•T- 


GUEIUN,  it  is  said,  has  written  a  play. 
It  needed  only  this  to 
convince  us  that  his 
banishment  to  the 
Devil's  Island  was 

justifiable. 

*  * 
* 

We  have  to  record 
the  discovery  of  yet 
another  new  disease. 
"  At  the  end  of  next 
month,"  says  the  Dai/;/ 
\'i'irx,  "the  benefice  of 
Luffincott  will  become 
void  by  sequestration 
under  the  Pluralitis 
Act."  We  can  only 
imagine  that  Pluralitis 
is  the  ailment  from 
which  persons  suffer 
who  show  a  marked 
aversion  to  remaining 
single.  +  „, 
* 

The  increasing  cash 
value  of  Limericks  is 
said  to  be  causing  jc<m- 
siderable  satisfaction  in 
Ireland.  ^  ^ 
* 

Mr.  WILLIAM  Wnioirr, 
the  mysterious  Ameri- 
can aeronaut,  was  in 
Paris  last  week,  and 
several  interviewers 
made  him  flv. 


DAY    DREAMS. 


First  Sportsman  (rising  from  his  siesta).  "On,  BII.I,,  I'VE  HAD  A  LOVELY  DREAM! 
DREAMT  IT  WAS  ME  WHAT  PINCHED  THE  GOLD  CIT  AT  ASCOT— HAD  IT  MELTED  DOWN 
AND  TURNED  INTO  SOVEREIGNS  BY  TUESDAY  NIGHT,  AND  Pl'T  THE  WHOLE  LOT  ON  THE 
WINNER  OF  THE  ROYAL  HrNT  Cl'F  ON  WEDNESDAY  AFTERNOON  !  " 

Second  .Sportsman.  "  DON'T,  SAM,  DON'T  !      You  KNOW  I  'VE  GOT  A  WEAK  HEART  !  " 


many  of  us  must  have  vaguely  felt  for 
some  time  past,  vi/.  that  Elephants  are 
derived  from  an  early  type  of  generalised 
I  ngulate  known  as  the  tfotritheriwn, 
while  the  Sirenia  develop  from  very 
much  the  same  stock,  and  both  groups 
seem  to  have  been  connected  in  their 
origin  with  the  Hvraxes. 
'*  * 

A  new  edition  of  I/tun  M"\IM.I  's  Tin- 
Ai-l   nf  1/ririini  n    .\l<itur-<'<ir    has    just 


Ouu  readers  may  re- 
member that  in  the 
number  of  May  1st  we 
ventured  to  extract  from 
The  Cork  Constitution 
an  account  of  a  remark- 
able race  in  Australia  between  POSTLE 
and  a  whippet.  The  race,  according 
to  our  authority,  was  over  100  yards. 
POSTLE  being  in  receipt  of  313  yards 
start ;  the  dog,  Ixiwever.  won  by  a  foot  in 
6|  seconds.  We  felt  at  the  time  that  the 
performance  was  an  ex  t  raord  i  nary  one,aml 
it  appears  now  that  the  details  were  not 
quite  accurate.  According  to  the  latent 
version  in  Tin-  1'orlsniuiilli  K retting  News, 
"The  contest  was  over  10  yards,  POSTI.K 


appeared.  Among  many  useful  cautions  '  <"'»g  "'  receipt  of  31  yards  start." 
we  notice  tin1  following:  "Allowance  We  have  come  to  take  a  great  interest 
must  always  lie  made  for  the  unexpected  in  POSTLE;  and  any  further  information 
in  the  shape  of  animals."  This  is,  of  about  him  will  be  very  welcome. 


452 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LONDON  CHVRIYARI. 


Ti  NT  2C,  1907. 


CURIOSITIES    OF    CRICKET. 


[From  the  report  of  the  Yorkshire  r. 

'  :—  "  POTTO*  wu  out  in  •  ctiriotu  mannrr, 


matoh :— **  Dmax  waa  out  in  a  cunoua  manner. 
hitliac  UM  top  of  the  middle  stump  and  bring- 
inf  it  fonrmiJ  to  a  sharp  angle  without 
itrrtrr*1*'^  the  other  two,  ID  eo  itrangsj  a 
•MMMT  that  FIT  had  the  wicket  photocnpbed 


KIT  had  the  wicket  pbotofror 
for  a  forthcoming  number  of  his 


FaoM  The  Sporting  Man  of  the  day 


after    to-morrow  :  —While    stealing    a 
abort  run 
match  lus 

so  in. 
nnd  fall. 


n  the  Middlesex  v.  Surrey 
week,  Mr.  P.  V.  WAKSKH  was 
as  to  lojc  his   balance, 
Before  the  game  was  restarted, 


Mr.  WABNKK  dictated  an  nrtic-le  for  The 
\\'fftminrtcr  Gazette  on  "Hard  v.  Soft 
Wickets:  why  I  prefer  the  latter." 
The  time  thui  occupied  undoubtedly 
went  far  towards  enabling  Middlesex 
to  draw  the  game. 

An  interesting  ccr.-un  nv  delayed  the 
progress  of  the  second  day's  cricket 
between  Leicester  and  Warwick.  Coming 
in  ninth  wicket  >  :  A  ILtzciJtiGG, 
playing  a  fine,  forcing  gnrne,  speedily 
Lit  up  three  before  fulling  a  \ietim  to 
an  insidious  long-hop  from  HABGBEAVE. 
A  magnificent  display  of  fireworks  and 
an  impromptu  country  dance  were 
given  to  celebrate  the  popular  skipper's 
triumph.  This  is  one  of  the  I.eicester 
Captain's  highest  scores  in  first-class 
cricket.  Possibly  the  faster  ground 
suits  him.  Vet  even  on  a  slow  pitch. 
rfrtut  Lancashire,  he  nude  two  in  excel- 
lent style  before  he  was  run  out. 

Old  -  fashioned  sportsmen  are  com- 
pliinin£  that  it  was  unnecessary  for 
the  match  between  Northants  and  Notts 
to  be  interrupted  for  a  protracted  period 
while  the  Northants  team  were  photo- 
graphed singly  and  collectively  in 
characteristic  attitudes.  For  ourselves 
we  yield  to  none  in  our  respect  for  the 
rigour  of  the  game;  but  it  must  be 
remembered  that  this  was  the  second 
time  in  one  month  that  Nprthants  had 
reached  double  figures  in  a  single 
innings,  and  we  think  that  latitude  may 
be  allowed  to  the  natural  excitement 
consequent  on  the  success  of  the  plucky 
little  county. 

Playii 

\  .....  . 


for  Bampstcad  Wanderers  r. 
Navy  Stores  "  A  "  at  Acton 


cheers  had  been  p\en  by  tin-  fieldsmen 
Mr.  Bri.'iui  retired  to  the  scoring  1 

In  the  I'liickciiliam  r.  Pij-biiry  annual 
match   on    tlit«    latter'*   >;r..iind.    I 

i^  umpiring  for  UM  fomn-r  team, 
twice  gave  Sill  GOB,  the Pigbnrj  cr.n-k, 
not  out.  (in  appeals  for  "caught  at  the 

:"  nnd  "run  out."  It  w.i*  only 
after  the  hat  had  been  sent  round  and 
its  contents  and  an  illuminated  ..<i  it.  --. 
presented  to  Mr.  JKNMSS  by  tin-  .-p  c 
t  a  tors  and  the  rest  of  tlie  homo  tc.nn 
that  the  match  could  bo  rest; 


last  Saturday,  B.  W.  BILGEB,  who  heads 
the. Wanderers'  averages  this  Year  with 
•v03,  remarked  to  the  umpire  who  gave 
him  out  l.b.w.,  "  I  think  your  d-  • 
quite  just.    The  ball   pitched   on   the 
off -slump,  and   would   have   taken  the 
middle   but   for   my  leg   being   in   the 
way.     If  all  umpires  had  \our  1. 
and     judgment,    cricket    would 
different  gome."    At  the  umpire's  re- 
quest   the   ma;  stopped   while 

Mr.  Bc'LCER  re]  .ark  into  a   .  „ . 

gramophone.     Batsman  and  official  Uien  clattering  of  milk-c. 


THE    NOISE    NUISANCE; 

AXD  How  TO  CURE  IT. 
By  Catpar  Jellyby,  D.Se. 

THE  best  way,  of  course,  of  escaping 
the  plague  of  noise  is  to  live,  or,  at  any 
rate,  to  sleep,  out  of  Ixmdon.  Hut  this 
for  over  four  million  of  the  inhabitants 
is  a  counsel  of  perfection.  We  are  thus 
driven  back  upon  the  adoption  of  such 
measures  as  may  mitigate  the  deleterious 
influence  of  din  upon  the  nerve  centres 
of  the  human  organism. 

Undoubtedly  in  the  first  rank  of  these 
preventive  measures  is  the  employment 
of  artificial  ear-lids.  Dr.  S.M  IT.P.Y.  in  one 
of  his  luminous  articles,  recently  d<  ] 
the  lamentable  lack  of  consideration 
shown  by  Nature  in  depriving  us  of 
this  inestimable  prophylactic.  All  lie 
could  say  in  her  defence  was  : —  "  If 
our  mothers  had  been  able  to  exclude 
our  infantine  cries,  where  should  we 
lie?  "  Where  indeed  would  I  >r.  S.M.I  1 1\\  '; 
Still,  if  we  cannot  grow  ear-lids,  we  can 
at  least  provide  artificial  substitutes. 
The  late  Mr.  llKitmnr  SH.NVKK  found  a 
simple  wad  of  cotton-wool  invaluable  as 
a  means  of  shutting  of!  the  stream  of 
vapid  talk.  But  a  pair  of  car-lids  in 
box-cloth,  crocodile,  or  moleskin,  would 
not  only  be  much  more  effectual  in  .shield 
ing  the  tympanum,  but  present  a  really 
stylish  and  decorative  appearance.  In- 
deed, when  worn  with  motor  goggles, 
they  attract  considerable  attention,  be- 
sides rendering  the  wearer,  if  a  tender- 
hearted person,  absolutely  iimm; 
the  disturbance  caused  by  the  groans 
and  cries  of  any  lire-stock  which  may 
happen  to  be  run  ow.  'II.'1  >.irlid.s 
are  kept  in  position  by  earrings,  and 
are  further  secured  by  a  dainty  strip  of 
Tussore  silk  bound  round  the  head. 

Second,  we  come  to  the  resources  which 
!  ices  at  our  disposal    for  the 
damping   of    the    sound  -  vibrations    in- 
separable from  Ulhan  life.      S.meof  the 

most  acute  of  t:  ...-so,  iaied  with 

the   matutinal  \i-its   of    useful   bnl  ob- 


:ous  individu  .  .1    m    the 

branches  of  tin-  milk  trade.     The 

.  .clattering  of  milk-cans  1-  and 

shook   hands,  and   after   throe   ringing   7.30  A.M.  can  IK- obviated  to  a  consider- 


able extent  byproridiog  the  <  m-  \\iih 
rubl«T  cases,  but  for  sil-'iicin^  the 
piercing  cry  uith  which  the  milkman 
MKii.iN  his  advent  then-  is  noih: 

IDIIS  as  an  air -KUII.  Indeed,  Mr. 
S AIJ.I.IIV,  \\lio  is  a  crack  shot,  re]*irts  that 
in  one  month  he  1.  the  death 

the  M.iid.i 

Vale  dairi-  :,t.     Mr.  I'.u  i  -. 

M  1'  .  on  the  oilier  hand,  liei:.. 

.iployment  of  lethal  WCII|MIIIA,  re- 
commends chloroform  hand  ^ren.i 
more  humane  and  equally  effective.  As 
he  (ills  it,  •'.Milkmen,  though  ho«te* 
htunoni  genent,  are  still  men  and 
brother^.  To  ,lep(,rt  them  IKMII^  out  of 
the  queatkm,  temporary  asphyxiation  is 

!y  effect  i\ ' 

people,  and  invalids  in 
particular,  often  tind  striking  clocks  a 
curse.  li'i'  .1  \\ell -directe<l  lump  of 
or  a  heavy  paper-weight 
will  reduce  the  o!Teiidin>;  incihai; 
silence.  ( 'Inn.  [resent  ^ 

dilliculties,  but   judicious   inquiri' 

'lay  of  an  oce.( 

ollieials  can  generally  i 
to  secure  the  desired  result. 

Filially,  the:.  •  on    .f 

domestic  animals.     Mr.   S  MI  the 

luminous  article  already  refi  m  d  to. 
declares  his  unhesit.iti]._'  1  .-In  f  that 
the  keeping  of  dogs  in  a  city  cannot 
be  justified  either  on  humanitarian 
or  hygienic  grounds,  and  in  view  of 
his  immense  influence  this  ihcl.iration 
points  to  a  SJ>ecdy  abatement  of  the 
canine  nuisance,  in  le^ard  t 
the  great  scientist  refrains  from  a 
dogmatic  pronouncement,  but 
thing  may  vd  from  ediii 

Failing  that,  it  should  not  be  fm . 
that  in  South  America,  not  to  n.. 
other  varieties,  there  is  said  to  be  a  race 
of   eats  which    do   i  ruaid"  at 

nights  ;  and    the  L.'  MIVAIII 

justly  remarks  that   "it  is  to  be  \ 
that  this  breed  could  be  introduced  into 
our  con  nil 


More  Living  Statuary. 
Lloyd't    Keict    on    the    St.     Albans 
Pageant :  — 

"In  the  earlier  epibtnle  of  llic  j  ;i>,-<Mnt  tin1 

deeply  religious  tone  «lu.  1,  -«•<!  the 

.'liprs'  nf   tlif  ar  ;>;h  kns 

"  \Vlipn  the  octopii*  is  in  proximity  to  a 
ruck,  it  holdi  on  to  this  base  of  MM  |  it  uitti 
three  or  f>  HI  liuiulH  I  i.f  iis  kin  kcr<><l  «nnR, 
:>nil  tln-n  it  >•  irnmiiiiiiK  "II: 

.   1C*. 

lli.s.'i.  thc>  name  "m-(oj 


'  \Vautixl     nl     once,    (ix     rx-ra\alry    men 
accuBtotned  to  li'le."-  Krtnimj  .\>u-». 

1 1  i-e\lia'  idinary  what  fjiKxl  all  -  round 
handy  fellows  some  of  these  cavali 
are. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JUNE  26,  1907. 


TO  A  MASTER  OF   HIS  ART. 

MR.  PUNCH  (to  MARK  TWAIN).  "  SIR,  I  HONOUR  MYSELF  BY  DRINKING  YOUR  HEALTH.    LONd 
LIFE  TO  YOU— AND  HAPPINESS— AND  PERPETUAL  YOUTH!" 


PUN*  II.    n|:   THK    l.nNhn.N    rll.Mil VAIM. 


GIRL. 

e:,tl\  f  • 

i  m's 

aid  last 


A   VENETIAN    GAIETY 
Ir  we  liavo  had  to  wait   p.»t 

re  were  well  re 
week  by  a  remarkable  performance, 
which  was  a  triumph  alike  for  the  cast, 
the  orchestra,  the  scete  pan.t.  ;  -  .m<l  the 
stage-management 

The  tragedy—  wliii-h  docs  not 
to  its  enil  quite  BO  quickly  as  la  Totea, 

lull  then    its  issues  atf    in.  r.-   c  .n  ; 

-  in  tlie  personality  of  tin-  Venetian 
singing-girl.  1  i  a  moment's 

.    in    tin-    Fir-t    A.  -I.   she  st- 
lielies   her  niune  of  I^n  (liocowht.     Her 

heart  is  always  U-ing  divided 
between  alternating  spasms  of  hum.  in 
jealousy  and  heavenly  self-sacrifice.  till 
finally  tlie  angel  in  her  comes  out 

Time  after  time  she 
ri\:il  liy  s«-a  ami  land  :  once  from  the 
injured  hu-Uind's  pursuing  galleys; 
once  from  his  j.hial  of  jxiison  ;  and 
1  thoughts,  from  her  own 
\Vlion.  at  last,  sin-  lias  got 
her  faithless  lover  out  of  his  du 
and  sevn  the  couple  safely  off  in  a 
gondola  on  their  elopement  (receiving 
no  reward  hut  a  very  loud  and  enthu- 
siastic iiil'tui  .  she  has  heavy  work  to 
do  on  her  own  account.  Slie  has  to 
circumvent  the  vile  advances  of  the  spy 
lt>irntib<t.  whom  she  can  only  < 
by  a  hasty  retreat  into  another  world. 
It  was  a  very  luisy  time  for  r'riiu- 
lein  IHxriNV  but  from  every  ordeal  she 
triumphant. 


liotk    l.ijftl.rr    "  Iliin'l     li-l.-  i     I  .    tlie 
chap.     1  ran  sing  much  loader  than  be  can." 

fiontono  . .  oigiuyr  oamnarco. 
Unto Signnr  Buri. 

Signer  SAUUARCO,  who  is  never  happy 
unless  he  is  playing  the  villain,  was  a 
•riuilia,  hut  had  inn. 
!i   that  little  was  reduced 
by    the    curtailing    of     his     admirable 
address   to    the    I  tones'    Palace,    with    its 
pnezi  below  and  its  piomli  ab 
BAMI  anKtuo  sang  well.  Imt  was,  pe|Ba| 
more  interested  in  him-  If  than  in  his 

•ming  back  t 


ackiiowli-dginei  i  id  trick  which 

S\M\l\l:<»,    tlie    Ix'tlcr   arli.-l,  would    not 

lied  himself.     Id  l> 
l.ut  all  demanding  high  <|iialitu-* 
f.,r  th.  h-liiiient     Mint  g.  Kuikin 

. ll.il    M     .1"!  I.AI  I 

i   fr,-.-.li  di-lini-:i.'ii.     The  choru^ 

thf     Veiieiian 

|Htpiil  .nd   as 

Kill  n>.  idinir- 

ahly   res]H.nsj\,-   I..  '  'VMTVMM'- 

briUiabt     o.uduct     .  ••••mely 

ilillicnlt  nn 

There    an-     m  my  I    'iche^ 

in   the  o|**ra  ;   that  I 

at    the    lli.u-e    of    li..lt|    wh'-n   thf 
curtain  is  withdraw' 
on    her    lii>  r  ;     the    cry    of     the    (I 
gondolier:      "There   :m>  c..rp<.-s   in    the 
Orfano    Canal";     the    brutal    sh- 
]j>irniibn   in    the    car   of    the 
r<in-l<i :     "Li.--l  ni^ht  thy  mother  nil 
me  :    I    ha1.  li  -1    her 

primness  of  the  main  tr.iL'edy,  if 
tuateil  by  the  contrast,  i- 
by  the  prevailing  gaiety  of  ils  eiuiroii 
liient.  its  rex  t  Is  and   danci  s  and    i: 
s<Ttnades;    ns  well  as    by  | 
exquisite  U'auty,  such    as  the  di< 

•ulii    and    her    blind    mother  —  Tu 
cntiti  aijll  mi'jiii ;  or  that  of  the   lover.-> 

l.<ni<jiii  7i«'.'/c  Tic/j/tic  n-ini'tf  :  or  / 
noble  air  ns  he  gazes  across  the  lagoon 

f'lelo  e  mnr! 

Venice  of  the  17th  pontury  was 
delightfully  reproduced  in  scenery  and 
ne;  but  she  was  badly  served  in 
the  matter  of  gondolas.  They  cann- 
on and  off  jerkily,  with  a  thin  pretene.- 
of  Ix-ing  propelled  by  oars  em] 
ns  pndules  or  punt-poles  —  a  thing 
that  would  never  l>e  tolerated  even  at 
"  Venice  in  Ixmdon." 

'J'his  was  really  the  only  flaw,  if  we 
except  a  little  slip  made  by  Friiulein 
lM:-ll\V.  She  forgot  to  place  UJKHI  the 
table  the  empty  jihial  from  which  hiitrn 
was  supposed  to  have  drunk  the  draught 
of  poison  ;  and  when  the  murderous 
husband  returns,  and.  affording  to  the 
stage  instructions,  "olis.-rvis  the  lla^k 
empty  on  the  table,"  lie  really  did 
nothing  of  the  kind,  though  ho  was 
polite  enough  to  say  that  he  did.  On 

1>I>I1NV      re  e 

and  plated  it  halfheartedly  in  |tosition; 
but  it  was  too  late. 


A  Middlesexagenarian  Recruit. 

TIIK  day  of  the  youthful  cricketer  is 
over;  experience  is  the  thing  now.     The 
iinty,  always  on  the  I  >  >k 
out  for  suitable  strangers,  seems  to  have 
a  good   find    down    in    Kt-nt   l.i-t 
ling     to     the     Vt.r/.-x/iiiv 
Krfiiiii'j  I 

"  A*  tlio  rr«iiH  nf  an  inning*  apipr*  :i' 
!  liri'lg"  '  llpsrx  po«eMe>l 

•elvwi  of  a  lad  oj 


A    PLAY    WITH    A    PAST. 


The  rcuv.d  of  A/r.".  I'imili'lJiiirii' 

M  .   in  tli'  I'   I  '    I  '.<  I;\AM> 

.1   hupp}    thought   on    the    | 

•ill.   and     I     feel     that     I    one 
:it>t    only    my   thanks   but   a] 

i...  forgiven,  p.  ihaps, 
for  di  .Is  of   f;u 

that    fa.-hioiis   in    humour   are   ch. 

'!y  .   and   I 
to    the     Vau.|e\  ille    womlerii. 

.ed    to 

tin-  all  important  f:u-t    .   .   .    And 
at     the    cud     of    tin'     Kirst     Act     1     had 
c.illap-e-1  ln.pi-1.  ,-ly  with  laughter. 
The  l-'ir-t  Act    i>  very  much    tie 
of  the  thr.  ••.     Then-  i^  plenty  of  fun.  of 
.  in    tlif   o'her    two.  but   after   the 


MAHIE  UAH  A  LITTLE  I.AUB. 
Mutllinr  J'onJerbury  .  .  Mr   I'Lin'.--.  llovticy 
Mrs.  I'umleritiry   ....  Miaa  Marie  Illington. 

First  Act  you  are  in  such  a  helpleaa  state 

that  you  would  laugh  at  anything.      l!> 

that  time  you  are  in   good   humour  with 

everybody  on  ti:  -nd  also  (ridicu 

loilS    as    it  with   the    people  on 

your  own   side  of   the   footlights.       The 

girl   on    the   right,  who  .shrieked    three 

.•  \ery     time  ;     the     part) 

Miind    who    repeated     every   spe.'eh    I.. 

or   whispered   loudly.   "  I 'id 

you    hear   that  V  "      "No;   what    did    he 

;    even    the    imp...-  iblc    I  >o wager 

inAt    t,i    me   who   summed    it    all    up  a>- 

bite  non.-elise.  of    course,    but    M'l.V 

,-1,-ver    lion  I    was    friends    with 

them  all.     Knt  most  of  all  I  loved  Mntlln-ir 
I'on'lfrlnirii     Mr.  CIMUI.IS  Ihwnn.Y. 
lie    has    his    nioiist  ichf    mi     again 

.bly.     but     I    don't    mind 
that.       Mr.     Ihwiui  Y,    with  Jiis 
•  it-he     on     again.     !  'I  he 

Story  of  the  Knife  "     that  inu.-t  b- 


JUKE  26,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


455 


INVITATIONS    WITH    AN    OBJECT. 

IN   THESE   STRENUOUS    TIMES    PEOPLE    REFUSE    TO    ACCEPT    INVITATIONS    UNLESS    THEY    KNOW    EXACTLY    WHAT    THEY    A1IE     BEISCi    ASKED    FOR. 
liEAI.ISIXU    THIS    TENDENCY,    A  SOCIETY    LEADER   HAS   ISSUED  CARDS   IS  THE    FOLLOWING  TERMS  :— "  HllS.    OoFY-(!oi.DBEI!O    AT   HOME,    WEDNESDAY, 

JrxE  20,  4.."0  -7.      BtCMENrEIHHBIM,  PARK  LANE.    Recent  Pun-liases." 


by  everybody.  Miss  Bit.urc  BURKE,  too, 
as  a  music-ball  s'ar,  is  delightfully  her- 
self;  ami  Miss  .M  uiiK  Ii.i.iviiTON  has  the 
perl'eet  M  \i;ii.  li  i.ivuTiix  part.  It  is  im- 
possible to  realise  that  it  was  all  written 
—  how  many  years  ago?  If  Mr.  Punch's 
late  Editor  docs  riot  mind  having  his 
past  raked  up  like  this,  let  \is  hope 
that  some  other  manager  will  be  tempted 
to  do  it  again.  There  must  be  lots  more 
where  this  came  from. 

Mrx.  Ponderbury' s  Past  was  preceded 
by  The  Anonymous  letter.  (In  real 
life,  I  suppose,  it  would  be  the  other 
way  round.)  At  the  close  of  this,  the 
Dowager  said,  "After  all,  one  must 
have  something  Tor  a  /cnr  </<•  r'ulcdu." 
Now  this  is  serious.  One  can  adopt  a 
tone  with  a  mere  curtain-raiser  which 
one  would  never  dare  to  use  towards 
a  lerer  tie  ridcun.  Levers  de  rldeau 
must  bo  treated  with  gravity.  Let  me 
say,  then,  that  I  do  not  think  that 
Mr.  G.  S.  STREET'S  duologue  justifies  its 
presence  on  the  stage,  since  it  can  gain 
nothing  in  the  playing.  But,  "  I  should 
rather  like  to  read  this,"  I  kept  saying 


to  myself,  while  Charles  and  Constance 
Manninglon  were  having  their  little 
explanation.  It  would  have  been  a 
"  feature  "  in  any  magazine.  M. 


CASTROLOCICAL  INEXACTITUDES. 

THE  Vegetarian  Federal  Union  held  its 
Annual  Congress  last  week  at  the 
Memorial  Hall,  Farringdon  Street,  and 
the  Eustace  Miles  Restaurant.  We 
understand  that  next  year  the  title  of  the 
gathering  is  to  be  slightly  modified,  and 
will  be  announced  thenceforward  as  the 
"  Herbivores'  Annual  Compress."  This, 
indeed,  is  borne  out  by  the  menu,  as 
published,  which  contains  a  lot  of  fine 
confused  feeding,  necessary  to  make  up 
for  the  horse-power  which  would  other- 
wise, and  in  more  concentrated  fashion, 
be  provided  by  animal  diet.  We  note, 
also,  the  prevalence  of  "  mock  "  dishes- 
mock  hams,  mock  soles,  and  mock  turtle. 
This  last  item  would  seem  to  appeal  in- 
sidiously to  carnivorous  tastes,  being 
usually  made  of  calf  s-head  ;  and  the 
real  imitation,  therefore,  should  be 


served  to  the  faithful  as  "mock  mock- 
turtle."  1'erhaps,  in  future,  if  the  illu- 
sion of  flesh-eating  is  to  be  maintained 
by  the  Federated  Vegetarians,  some 
fresh  variations  on  this  theme  might 
be  tried.  The  changes  could  be  rung 
on  "misteaks,"  "pig's  counter-feet," 
"  poissons  d'avril,"  ''pseudo-sausages" 
(not,  of  course,  as  horse  d'a-nvres),  and 
many  other  titillating  botanical  confec- 
tions in  masquerade.  We  shall  then 
come  nearer  realising  the  truth  of  the 
saying  that  all  flesh  is  grass. 

Aquatic  Notes. 

"  WHEN    at    Oxford    the    Bishop    of 
LONDON  took  a  great  deal  of  interest  in 
boating.     Being  of  a  light  weight   he 
frequently  coached  his  College  eight."- 
Craven  Herald. 


The  Happy  Metaphor. 

"  IT  is  not  one  class  of  business  only 
that  has  suffered  ....  even  barbers 
have  been  forced  to  throw  up  the 
sponge." — Manchester  Evening  News. 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   I.nNDON  CHARIVARI. 


:.?IM:  --V,,  1907. 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 

\Vii>\  !  v,   :  t   to  Cannes  in   the  eon 
certainly  hail  no  hope  of  :  '  '  tll('n 

•wledge  of  his  an: 

tracted  suffering  du:  '  BBninatiop 

at  Cambridge  had  urged  me  to  seek  relief  in  tin'  balmv  :iir 
of  the  Riviera,  v  i*ople  had  established  thsBseivet, 

and  where  I  was  thus  sure  of  an  inex|.cn.sive  con valcacent 
home.    To  distract  my  mind  from  brcxxling  uselessly  over 
the  plentiful  crop  of  "howlers"  provided  by  the  still  recent 
Tripos,  and  in  order  to  add  to  my  stock  of  strength  and 
agility,   1    determined,   while   in   Cannes,   to   take    fencing 
lessons,  and  thus  I  became  a  friend  and  pupil  of  M   *>:i 
He  was  at   that   time  Professor  of   Fencing  at    the  ' 
Xautique  of  Cannes.    In  earlier  life  he  had  been  a  Zooave, 
and    had   risen  to  be  the  chief    Maitre   d'Armcs   to  that 
celebr;  ent.     The  Cercle  itself,  in  the  Salle  d'Armes 

of  which  M.  Cm.  held  rul.«,  was  but  little  frequented  of  a  morn- 
In  the  afternoons  and  evenings  it  woke  to  a  feverish 
activity  of  baccarat ;  but  with  that  part  of  its  functions 
M.  QtE  had  no  concern.  For  feats  of  bodily  skill  the  members 
of  the  Cercle  seemed  to  have  small  inclination,  nnd  for  the 
most  part,  as  I  rememlier,  XI.  GIE  and  I  had  the  Salic— I 
think  it  was  situated  in  the  basement—  entirely  to  ourselves. 

It  was  in  M.  Git's  person  that  the  delightful  qualities  of 
the  genuine  French  sportsman  and,  in  truth,  nature  pro- 
vides no  more  attractive  type— were  first  revealed  to  me. 
\Ve  do  not  as  a  rule  say  aloud,  we  British,  that  there  are 
no  sportsmen  out  of  Great  Britain,  but  deep  down  in  our 
minds  that  silent  conviction  exists,  and  it  is  good  for  us  to 
be  brought  f.u-e  to  face  occasionally  with  men  born  and 
trained  in  foreign  lands  who  can  shatter  our  insular  exclusion 
by  their  vigour,  their  courage,  and  the  amenity  of  their 
manners.  What,  after  all,  is  a  sportsman  ?  As  I  understand 
the  breed  he  is  one  who  lias  not  merely  braced  his  muscles 
and  developed  his  endurance  by  the  exercise  of  some  great 
sport,  but  has  in  the  pursuit  of  that  exercise  learnt  to  control 
his  anger,  to  be  considerate  to  his  fellow-men,  to  take  no 
mean  advantage,  to  resent  as  a  dishonour  the  very  suspicion 
of  trickery,  to  bear  aloft  a  cheerful  countenance  under  disap- 
pointment", and  never  to  own  himself  defeated  until  th  •  last 
breath  is  out  of  his  body.  The  existence  of  such  men  is  not 
confined  to  the  space  of  earth  between  Land's  End  and  John 
o'  Groat's  House:  you  will  find  them  throughout  the  world, 
and  M.  GIE  was  unquestionably  one  of  them. 

In  his  person  M.  (lii:  was  small,  but  of  beautiful  propor- 
tions. He  mav  have  stood  at  the  utmost  some  five  feet  six 
inches  11.  height ;  but  the  great  NATOLEOX  stood  no  more,  and 
in  the  due  management  of  the  sword  mere  height  goes  for 
nothing.  His  face  was  weather-beaten,  and  was  set  off  with 
a  rakish  little  imperial  beard  which  gave  him  his  military  air. 
•  •s  were  in  repose  somewhat  dun,  but  when  he  took  his 
foil  in  hand  or  was  induced  to  talk  of  his  battles  they  lit  up 
with  a  wonderful  brilliant  fire.  His  gestures  were  quick  and 
precise ;  his  whole  being  seemed  to  be  instinct  with  vigilance 
and  alertness.  A  surprising  grace  ruled  all  hi*  movements. 
At  one  moment  he  stood,  a  study  for  a  sculptor,  balanced  on 
feet  that  seemed  immovable,  his  left  arm  rounded  in  • 
behind  him,  his  1.  ft  hand  poised  where  art  and  nature  had 
appointed,  his  sword  lightly  held  in  a  true  line  in  his  right. 
Then,  paff!  in  a  flash  something  had  happened — Lad 
happened  so  swiftly  that  the  eye  of  the  studious  observer 
had  been  unable  to  follow  it,  and,  1  ••'  M  <lp'.  was  extended 
— allonijfs  le  brat;  frntlc:~rr>m  ! — his  point  had 
an  imaginary  heart ;  his  left  leg  was  out  and  rigid  behind 
him  ;  his  body  was  settled  low,  but  still  grace  fill  I  \ 
•ad  was  defiant  ;  ami  in  another  ll.i-!i.  witl 
;ic  was  back  in  his  original  position.  I  describe  an 


•lemcnt.irv  m:ittrr;  luit  it  is  in  the  elements  that  the  genuine 
fencer  shows  him.self.  The  finger*. .f  M.  (in'.'s  right  hand  were 
light  on  hi-*  handle,  but  his  wri.-t  \\as  not,  1  think,  made 
ofmmaa  IK  mca  and  siueus.  Uather  had  it  la-en  forged 
uid  adjuMed  (.f  i.  •!  in  some  heroic  smithy  where 

the  deini  i:'*!-;  \\.re  wont  to  buy  their  weapons.     No  human 

1  U-lieve.  could  ha\e  lieaten  it  away  or  tired  it  out. 
l.'ss  charming  than   M.Cii"-  gallantry  of  Ix-aring  in 
.   and   fencing  jacket   were   the  modesty  of  his  general 
demeanour  and    the   vivacity   of    his    conversation.      He  had 
frequently    fought    and    conquered    with    the   sword  of    r.-.d 
•     :   a    1    i,.  \er   knew   him  to  boast  of   his  victories. 
There  was  something  paternal  nnd  caressing  in  his  address; 
he  did  not  confine  his  interest  in   me  to  my  progress  in 
poke   sometimes  of   the  serious  affairs  of 
life,  which  lie  urged   me  not  to  neglect.      When,  after  1  had 
retui  .uibridge,  I  wrote  to  him,  announcing  a  success 

in  boxing,  he  sent  me  the  following  reply,  which  1  treasure 
as  a  model  of  high  courtesy  and  chivalrous  friendship: — 
•  Juillct,  '78.  Cannes. 

MON  nn.lt  KI.KVK,  —  J'ai  r.\u  votre  aimable  lettre.  Mcrci 
d'avoir  pense  a  votre  professcur  d'armes,  merci  egalemenl  de 
votre  portrait,  qui  eM  tr's  ressemlilant.  ,1e  vous  felicite  de 
votre  Slicces  dans  votre  assaut  de  H.xe,  eela  est  fort  job 
d'avoir  remportc  mi  prix  surtout  a  Cambridge  oil  il-y-a  de 
forts  amateurs.  Pour  rescrime.  nioii  chcr  ami,  j'opeie  fmir 
ce  que  vous  avez  si  bien  commence  et  vous  sere/,  a  hauteur 
de  prendre  part  dans  un  assaut  d'armes  car  vous  ave/  d. 
bonnes  dispositions.  Kn  attendant  n'oublie/.  pas  les  coups 
les  plus  simples,  .le  veux  ilire:  la  feint.-  de  tirer  droit,  tirer 
droit  uti  battement  de  quarte  degag^en  tierce,  idem  de  tierce. 
Rappelez-vous  que  la  septi  n.e  enveloppe  tous  les  coups  qui 
peuvent  etre  ported  quand  <•-.  t;.-  parade  e.->t  f.ute  a\.v  • 

Cher  Monsieur  H.,  continuez  toujours  a  travailler  dans  vos 
dtudes  serieuses  pour  defendre  un  jour  la  veuve  et  1'orphelin, 
un  des  premiers  devoirs  de  I'hunianite. 

Je  vous  prie  de  me  rappeler  au  bon  souvenir  <!• 
aimable  fumille. 

Reccvez,  cher  eleve,  mes  salutations  empressees  et  nne 
bonne  poignee  de  main. 

K.  i 

Professeur  d'Escrime  au  Cercle 
Nautique  de  Cannes,  Kx-1"  Maitre 
d 'An  nes  du  Regiment  des  Xoiiaves. 

PJ  II  ne  faut  pas  que  je  compte  fairc  un  voyage  a 
Cambridge.  Mes  moyens  ne  me  le  permettent  pas  pour  le 
moment. 

In  tliat  letter  you  have  the  man,  simple,  serious  and 
gallant,  conscious  that  life  is  not  all  a  iiV  f.i<-  of  the  foils. 
and  that  there  are  depths  in  it  from  which  he  who  is  devoted 
to  humanity  and  has  studied  the  laws  may  rescue  the  widow 
and  the  orphan.  ^ 

THE  rumour  that  the  Ascot  Gold  Cup  was  lifted  by  Sir 
THOMAS  LIPTOS  is  without  any  sort  of  foundation.  Interviewed 
(.11  t!m  subject  the  genial  Baronet  concluded  by  saying, 
"  May  the  best  horse  win  ! " 


Mt  surely  be  a  misprint  in  the  report  that  the 
minority  of  121  who  voted  against  Mr.  Connor's  Bill  for  the 
inspection  of  monastic  and  conventual  institutions  compro 
mised  77  Liberals.  For  "compromised"  read  "comprised." 


Commercial  Candour. 

' '  R.  A.'     price   li'  (j     equal  to  any  guinea  racket  on  the 
market. 

U.  A.  Special  '-price  21/-."        [Advt.  in  Daily  Mirror. 


JI-N-E  26,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


457 


if    merely   for    the 
showing  my  goodwill." 
I  Ii  msc  deeply  moved  . 


purpose 


of 


suspiciously  mopped  his  eyes.     HOWARD 
VINCENT,  holding  up  his  supplementary 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THF,  DIARY  OF  Tour,  M.P. 
II<>tise  of  Commons,  Monday,  June  17. 

—Affecting  scene  between  PltlNCE  AltTHUR 

and  Our  Only  War  Minister. 
House  further  considering  re- 
port stage  of  Army  Bill.  Harp- 
ing on  proposal  which  Opposi- 
tion insist  practically  means 
abolition  of  Militia.  Last  week 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  threw  out  hint 
that  if  concession  were  made 
on  this  matter  it  would  have 
material  effect  on  progress  of 
Bill. 

"  You  mean  that  ?  "  said 
NAPOLEON  1!. 

"  Yes,"  said  PRINCE  ARTHUR, 
nodding. 

"Honest  Injun?"  persisted 
the  wary  soldier. 

"  You  bet." 

Here  the  subject  dropped  as 
far  as  public  debate  was  con- 
cerned. For  N.  B.  H.  it  formed 
subject  of  meditation  through 
the  watches  of  the  night.  Can 
sec  as  far  through  a  ladder  as 
the  average  civilian.  If  he 
insisted  on  forcing  his  Bill 
through  Commons  with  provi- 
sions relating  to  Militia  already 
approved  in  Committee,  the 
majority  would  stand  by  him. 
It  would  be  different  with  the 
Lords,  who  would  certainly  re- 

instate   the   Militia.       Has    not    N»Po'eoa ;  H-ld-ne ,  grants  Full-Private  B-lf-r fthe  favour  he  asks,  and 
YOUNG   WEMYS.S   already  given  s  hls  car        mere  y  purpose  of  showing  his  goodwill." 


notice  of  such  intention?  By  yielding 
on  this  point  he  would  not  only  pacify 
Opposition  in  Commons  but  would  square 
the  Lords. 

Accordingly  announced  capitula- 
tion. 

Pretty  to  watch  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  re- 
ception of  statement.  A  personal  triumph 
for  him.  At  last  moment  had  carried 
position  long  assailed,  obdurately  held. 
Some  eminent  men  in  similar  circuin- 
Munees  would  have  raised  Party  cheer 
by  taunting  master  of  legions  with 
enforced  concession.  PRINX-E  ARTHUR 
avowed  himself  "most  grateful  to  the 
right  lion,  gentleman  for  the  modi- 
fication of  his  scheme."  Even  went 
further,  protesting  his  belief  that  it 
had  been  in  N.  B.'s  mind  for  Eome 
time,  only  awaiting  gentle  influence 
of  Parliamentary  corkscrew  to  ex- 
tract it. 

War  Minister  affected  almost  to  tears. 
PRINCE  Aicnu  it  suggeMed  the  necessity 
of  verbal  amendments  to  carry  out  new 
proposal.  NUMI.KON  B.  said  they  were 
not  necessary. 

"  But,"  he  added,  '-'  the  right  lion, 
gentleman  has  met  me  in  so  handsome 
a  manner  and  so  admirable  a  spirit  that 
I  am  almost  anxious  to  make  amend- 


new hat  so  as  to  hide  his  emotion,  re- 
marked, "  Hear,  hear,"  in  a  broken 
voice.  GEORGE  WYNDIIAM'S  lips  quivered 
as  he  inconsequently  "  inquired  whether 
the  House  might  assume  that  300,000 
in  round  numbers  is  to  be  the  establish- 
ment of  the  territorial  force? " 


Mr.  B-l-s  talks  of  "  prattling  boys  of  fourteen  " 
pnd  "  post-prandial  scoffers." 


A  touching  scene.  Testified  to  the 
fact  that  the  House  of  Commons  is, 
after  all,  almost  human. 

And  blessings  on  the  falling  out 
That  all  the  more  endears, 

When  we  fall  out  witli  those  we  love 
And  kiss  again  with  tears. 

Wave  of  emotion  thus  rai.-e.l 
influenced  sitting  throughout. 
Swept  off  his  feet  that  unc  in- 
promising  Roundhead,  BYLI> 
of  Bradford.  Just  before  lion 
rose  question  of  cadet  battalion? 
came  under  consideration. 
CRAIK  moved  amendment  broad- 
ening basis  of  financial  U-MM 
ance  to  school  corps.  BYI.KS 
of  Bradford  protested  against 
teaching  the  young  idea  how 
to  shoot  with  real  rifles.  For- 
getful of  N.  B.  HA  I.DANE'S  pre- 
sent domestic  circumstances, 
he  fixed  him  with  stern  regard 
as  he  asked : 

"  How  would  you  like  to  see 
a  prattling  boy  of  fourteen  of 
your  own  with  a  lethal  weapon 
in  his  hand,  being  taught  to 
hate  his  fellow-men  ?  " 

Hon.  gentlemen  opposite 
laughed  at  this  idea  of  the 
non-existent  little  HALDAXE  at 
odds  with  a  supposititious 
father. 

' '  Post  -  prandial  scoffers  ! ' ' 
exclaimed  BYLES  of  Bradford, 
regarding  merry  throng  with 
angered  countenance. 

Some  authorities  doubt 
whether  this  was  Parliamentary.  Cer- 
tainly one  of  the  things  which,  put  differ- 
ently, would  have  called  forth  stern 
reproach  from  the  Chair.  As  it  stood, 
much  might  be  read  Ijetween  the  lines. 
SPEAKER,  however,  took  no  notice.  BYLES 
of  Bradford  resumed  his  s?at,  conscious 
of  having  stamped  on  controversy  a 
picture  the  finger  of  Time  will  not 
efface — a  prattling  boy  of  fourteen  with 
a  lethal  weapon  in  his  hand,  the 
conscience  -  stricken  parent  wondering 
whether  'twere  wise  to  teach  him  to 
hate  his  fellow-men  and  slay  them  with 
a  blank  cartridge. 

Business  done. — Army  Bill  further 
advanced. 

Tuesday.— Revival  of  old  custom  of 
unrestrained  Supplementary  Questions 
led  this  afternoon  to  recrudescence  of 
once  familiar  scene.  On  the  Paper 
appeared  customary  half-dozen  short 
speeches  addressed  to  SECRETARY  OK 
STATE  FOR  INDIA,  containing,  under  guise 
of  enquiry  so  transparent  that  it  would 
not  offend  sensibilities  of  Mayor  of 
Coventry,  grave..,  accusations  against 
Government  of  India  just  now  grappling 
with  seething  sedition.  JOHN  MORLEY. 
having  had  the  advantage  of  preparing 
reply  in  advance,  answered  these  with 


- 


1TNCH, 


THF. 


HI  ARIV  A  III. 


\ 


.  »•!<  ••'•!«••  of  ratirmrr  and  •r-U-mtni; 
ll-»  B-ifa  nil  u*  etertntcvl  •  il!i  hnrror 


le-.l  mu»iU  .  r  . 

id  i-.iiilioii. 
the  '   n: 
' 
BKMt    of    tin-in    eml..Ki: 

.-    joned 

had     tlu-v     l*i-n     -ul, null. .! 
lin-    ot,|,.r     ,",, 

.     wlnUl     M-.iaix     -i,  ..|     ,,| 


M.X  II  ami  M, 
•:   -illial   iiiyoiic  hlioiilil 


• 

lliir: 
MpfWied 


.1,     f.  i*l    xvilh 


MI]. 
1  1.  n  I     • 


Wli.ii  hail 
in    aoocM 
furtixi'lx 


iMontrnll 
ptnclK-1  ! 

f..r  lirsitli.  Mi.ikn 

it    ll«*.«u.  Vi\«»\r.   .|IM.|.  I   f|,.,,,  |,j,,, 
iily  l«jr  •pocvof  (siu^n. 

mode  Inr  the  M. 

nut  kin. 

r"lk«-  fort! 

all 


KI  »li<'ii  ..f  -licmiinj'  the  umialili-  advocat 

»f  another  Iinlian  Mutiny,  their  rigfateoua 

xxralh  liiir-t    furlli   in   II.  ..|   i.f  lava  that 
..M-.IIH-V    in   tin- 
uf  Shcllirl.l. 

VIM  CM  dniiiil  dial  In-  hail 
nuuli-  '.l.^Tvatimi.  "1  >|«,kf  imlv  In 
myself.  !.,•  |  li:ulitl. 

Th.it  il.mhlli  -,  hU  inti  ntiim.    I'.ut  i.|(-a 
uf   I  In-    Ciiliiiu-l    of    th,-    i  \\V,t- 

iniiihti-is    uhi,  \«T\HX     to     liiiii>4-lf     ami 
In,  vniiviliil  not  rarrv  lu'voml 
"(  hi>  invn  «-ar  i-  a  MrUio     <-\ 


- 
nrnplrof  ni..|,-.t   nnili-rratinx'  of  iuiiir.il 


\riny     Hill     | 

TliiirK-l.ii/.     Smhlark*! 
•    lip.nxlit    iii    Hill 

Inn.  n  i! 

GDMeqiiciicc    i>    that. 


[toon 
founded    on 

the  LmU. 

aiii.'iie 


.   a|>|T:irii 

tin- Onl.-rs.il  I,:  liiiion  |.IH  (|.,x\i, 

farlfoliilav        L  .  k.,1  .,(    I,,.., 

i    |.i.i.|        Th,. 

•  it     uln,  ], 
'I'l'K 

'•a    in 

ii«l    for 

III  "I    tin    Ministry  I, a, 
••f    TOVIVIV     1/in, M. 

'I  i 


Front       I'. 

? 

tit  in    his   F.diK  atioli    Hill.  In 
(••     tin-    fpnit     with     valued 

•    iled    off.    and    his    chief 
did  a! 

Limi-ii'  .it  tli  lion  I 

1  1>-     retlei-ii'-n  mi  originality 

of    late-t     nlti'  Parliamentary 

!"     Hoard    "f     l.dnealion.      It 

I      lorlh     in     t'i'iin  n     ihe 

F.ilncaiio n  Aeis  Amend m  Hill.    I 

II  i|iic.|io|t    win  (her    II   xxciv 
i.le  that  me  lical  in-  -!i,  nld 

take   place  twelve  months  U-fore  a  elii 

••Imitti  d  to    the    M-||I  ifl    in-   Ixvclvc 

after  it-  (  nti-im  -. 
'J'.  I,,  nave  discussion  a  in  xv  Inin. 
"  Mr.    F.MMOTI,"    he    -aid.  limiin-    to 
(lie    Chair.  "  in    my    opinion    it    x\  ill 
pnielice     IK'     f   mid    cipially    ditlicidl     I  i 

medically  in-pivt  a  child  txxilve  i I 

I  e  fore    il      i,     liiin      ni      mdxe     iiiunllis 
after."      The  ('oniinittif  a^r.  id 

JiitsniffH   iltine. — Koiiru    (  YI  il     xxiili- 
ilnixx>   liliK-kinj,'   Hill.      Saturday  -ittin:; 
I. 

IN    A    XK\V    XKK;|IHnri;iI«Mi|, 

llur. 

\\  I  xv, -re  all  -landing  in  the  roadxxay. 
looking  up  al  the  h..n-.  .lu-t  mx  xxife. 

lr.  tin-   builder,  tli  •    Ion-man,  and  a 

m  ph  xv  ,.f  the  arcliitei  t.  w  ho  had 
•ome  doxvn  with  a  n  The  h.n:s  • 

wa*  the  ordinary  ml  h.- use  with  white 
vx.«.-lxv.,rk    and     wroiiyht-ir.  n     i- 
liohl    the    |  ortii  0    up      -ucli    . 
built  in  al:ont  a  fi>itni.i,dil  •  n   a  xaluahle 
Id  plot  in  a  n-  !il:<uirhoo<l 

mar    Ixnidon.     The  garden  xv.i-    full   o! 
Iwtti  rcupH  and  morlar. 

"  \\'ell."  siiid  the  liuilder  xvilh  a  xi.ii  •• 
n  which  pride  and  |oxx.-r  xxen-  eijually 
lilfiiiliil.  "  not  much  in.  d,,n  • 

All  you  want    i-  a  charxxoinaii  f<  r 
iiniipleof  days,  and   you   cm  la-.i-llp- 

•  laiiola  ^'oim.'  and  a  hot  lath.  ' 

Piano,"  said  mj wife, who dudikea  m  w 
nventioiis  and  has  had  ^o  -I 

"<  h  the  piano."  -aid    the  l.nildi  i 
it  all  di-i 

"  Hut  what  aln.nl  the  i,.,n  ,  '  ],,. 
"reman  a>ked. 

h.id 

•  n    the   name,  and    in  li 
laiue  xx. i-    i,,|  i-ralixe.  I.,  can-r  the  i 

ill    «•! f   ill.  -.'    road,    in    xvhich    (lie 

nix   half    Imill    and  «•" 
'     day    xx  hen-   a    ln.ii-,-    max     |.e 

•  •  inorr.-xx  or  ll,.    ,|.,x  .,lt..|        Numl  • 

My  xx  il..  |.,,ke,|  at    m.    and    I  l.iol.. 
ny  wife. 

"What    aK.'ll    '  H.-II.  xii,.    .-"    -aid    the 

ill. 

A   *W-J   K   .-I  nan i,.."  -aid  the  Imilder. 
"Our     li.  . 

"'I''"  •  d|.  d  '  11,,11,-d. 


JINI:  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVAIM. 


4JO 


La 
the 


"Not  a  bad  name  either,"  said  the 
builder.  _•> 

"I  like  '  Bellevuo,'  "  said  the  foreman. 
"  The  only  thing  against  '  Bellevue,'  " 
I  said,  "  is  that  there  is  one  in  the  next 
road." 

The  foreman  admitted  that  this 
a  drawback. 

The  houses  on  each  side  of  us,"  said 
the     architect's     nephew,    "  are 
Residenza  '  and  '  Rondebosch.'  " 

"  1   don't   care   for   those,"    said 
foreman 

"  Opposite,"  said  the  architect's 
nephew,  "  is  '  Heatherside.'  " 

"May  I  ask  where  you  live?"  my 
wife  asked  him,  sweetly  enough— to 
him,  but  to  me,  who  know  her  tones 
brtiiT,  dangerously. 

"At  Tuniham  Green,"  he  said. 
"There  are  fine  houses  there." 

"  Isn't  there  a  '  Sea  \7iew  '  ?  "  my  wife 
went  on. 

"I  don't  rememb  r,"  said  the  archi- 
tect's nephew,  "  but  I  'in  sure  there 
must  be." 

"  Tliat  's  not  so  good  as  '  Bellevue,'  " 
said  the  foreman ;  "but  it's  not  bad — 
'  Sea  View.'  " 

"  How  would  '  Brickfield  View  '  do  ?  " 
my  wife  asked,  sweetly  still. 

"  Those  brickfields,  ma'am,"  said  the 
builder,  "will  all  be  beautiful  hous.-s 
and  gardens  in  a  few  months'  time,  and 
then  what  would  be  the  sense  of  your 
name  ?  I  don't  think  '  Brickfield  View  ' 
is  good  at  all." 

I  avoided  my  wife's  eyes. 
"Mother's  sister,"  said  the  architect's 
nephew,  "  lives  at  '  The  Rowans.'  " 

This  gave  the  builder  an  idea.    "  What 
tree  is  that?"  he  asked,  pointing  to  the 
only  shrub  on  the  estate. 
I  told  him  it  was  a  chestnut. 
"  Then  why  not  call  it  '  The   Chest- 
nuts?'  "  he  suggested. 

I  told  him  that  in  view  of  my  calling, 
which  is  humorous  literature  (more  or 
less),  it  would  be  impossible. 
He  did  not  understand. 
I  explained  a  little  more. 
"Oh,"  he  said,  "you  mean  your  jokes 
aren't  new.   But  that 's  all  right.    People 
will  like  them  all  the  more." 

The  architect's  nephew  said  that  a 
friend  of  his  lived  in  a  house  called 
'  Sans  Souci." 

The  foreman  said  that  he  had  been 
working  at  some  alterations  a  little  while 
ago  — a  new  room  for  a  nursery  as  a 
matter  of  fact — at  a  house  in  Acacia 
Avenue,  for  as  nice  and  liberal  a  gentle- 
man and  lady  as  he  ever  met,  and  this 
house  was  called  "  The  Xest."  After 
"  Bellevue  "  he  said  he  thought  ''  The 
Nest  "  as  pretty  as  anything  could  be. 

The  builder  agreed ;  but  lie  added 
that  Nests  weren't  for  everybody.  There 
•were  couples  suited  to  Nests  and  couples 
that  the  name  wouldn't  suit  at  all. 


Minisier  (on  return  front  holiday).  "  WELL,  DANIEL,  MT   GOOD  UAX,  AMD  HOW  IIAVE  THINGS 

BEEN  GOIXO  OX   IS   JIT  ABSENCE?" 

Daniel.  "DEED,  Sin,  A'  THINGS  BEES  GAITS  ox   BRAWLT.    THEY   SAT  THAT  von  MEENISTERS, 

WHEN   YE   OAXO   FRAE   HAUE,    ATE  TAK°    OflD  CARE  TO   SEND  WACR   UEK   THAN   TOUR6EL8  TO   FILL   Tilt 
POOPIT.      BUT  TE  NEVER   DAE   THAT,   SlR  !  " 


Nothing  could  have  been  clearer  from 
his  tone  than  that  he  thought  my  wife 
and  I  were  the  last  people  to  come  under 
the  designation  of  Nesters. 

The  architect's  nephew  said  that  there 
was  a  house  for  sale  at  Bedford  Park 
called  "  Chatsworth." 

"May  I  ask,"  the  builder  said,  with  a 
smile  that  was  meant  to  be  arch  and 
winning,  but  was  .only  repulsive,  "  where 
the  lady  and  gentleman  passed  their 
honeymoon  ?  Sometimes  that  helps." 

"  At  Bath,"  I  said. 

It  seemed  to  depress  him,  and  it 
depres-:ed  oven  more  the  foreman,  whose 
ears  were  twitching  for  "  Bellaggio." 

''.My   father   and    mother,"    said    the 
architect's  nephew,  "  went  to  Ilkley." 
***** 

Eventually,  after  much  thought  and 
useless  advice,  we  called  the  bouse,  in  a 


piteous  attempt  to  be  original,  "The 
Green  Door  "  ;  but  I  had  tho  greatest 
difficulty  in  inducing  tho  painter  to 
inscribe  such  a  name. 

Since  then  we  have  heard  of  five 
houses  called  "  The  Green  Door." 

The  Welshman  gives  up  a  page  or 
so  every  week  to  "  District  Intelligence." 
This  is  all  very  well  for  some  of  the 
big  cities  like  Bankyfelin,  but  smaller 
towns,  such  as  Llanfihangel-abercowiu, 
are  frequently  hard  put  to  it  for  news. 
The  Llanfihangel-abercowin  Intelligence 
in  the  number  before  us  consists  of 
the  following  :— 

"  Mrs.  J.  C.  is  to  be  congratulated  on  the 
plucky  way  in  which  she  took  her  two-year- 
old  bal-.y  (VERA  MAY)  to  church  last  Sunday. 
The  little  one,  it  must  be  said,  was  an  example 
to  many  who  attended  that  place  of  wor: 


H 


1T.\<  II     nil    THK    I.MM.MN    < 'I  I  MM  V.MII. 


I!  si 


V.. 


t*f*t+ 

A    ROYAL    REMEDY. 


V*"  ***'  J"*-    A"  T0°  Bonw 
T*t  cwwr  *r«  <m   MB  IU.E  cttao«uTtt>  RUCTVU  or  • 


loadeoHnle    »< 

»till  .1  rr 

>m     I.  mtf    nude     • 


•!«•  Of  ft 


j 
orl.  -: 


are  nm»  in 


la 


- 


•••I    by    vision   to    Westminster 
I'l    We.tmini.ter    H.dl    i*    i 

•.•iiin.nl  on 

••diawal  Jam.     Dor*.  fresh 

u  jr  from  a    neighbouring  •*-. 

be  a  coiwtunt  feature  . 
fare,  together  with  Oarona  of  Beef 
MB  n«^aoor-«ale»,  of  count,  the 
nme  Minuter  htt  h..  way.  in  „ 
ewe  Mme  other  ancient  dclictcr  will 

rbe  Junior  Carilon,  f  ,]„. 

•    •    • 

»-    A   light  « 


_    spanning  tho  roadway  wi!' 

!••    at    l!i. 
:  I. inn. 11  iil- 
will  I  hen  the  wi-ather  |«-rmil- 
and    guests    will    have    the    privili  . 

<ui    at     tin 
rate  of  u  hour. 

The  Strand    i  "  .      •   i.  lent 

iuve.    an.in^i-niei 
have  U-eu  made  for  enlarging  tin- 
Hotel,  which  at  pre-.  .  ommodate 
only  a  titho  of  those  persons  who  vvi-.h 
to  eat  expensively    in    public.      All   the 
rooms  hitherto  used  for  other  pui 
will    be     converted     into    sulonx 
kitchens,    while    tables   will 

•iiy  on    the  nx.f   but  also   halfway 
across  the  Strand,  by  spu-ial  ai : 
inent   with   a   hungry   County   Council 
and  a  famishing  Pol 

The  Coli-eiiin,  which   has  for  e< 
been    idle,   is    now   to    resir 
life   as   a   hotel    and    re.-taur.mt.     The 
meals   will  be  served    in   a   novel    way. 
for   it   has   been    dei-id. 
revolving  stage  as  a  huge  dumb  waiter. 
The  guests  will  sit  round  it,  and  their 
food  will  come  to  them  in  turn. 

CAVE  CAKK    KM. 
In  his  recent  (peed,  at  uV 
HEKBT  fiiiniF.i  I.-BANXEKMA*  gaid,  "  Boys  mum 
not  be  too  good."] 

U  IIKV,  as  an  awful  warning  to  deter 
The  rowdy  HINKS  from  practicing  his 

nrts, 
Your  wholesome  cnne,  0  !'• 

imparts 

<  Wrtvtion.lo,  the  lad  can  prove  \  on  err  ; 
"i-sing  a  sibilantly  scornful  '  Sir.' 
lie  can  defend  his  line  of  paper  .. 
Or  taste  for  munching  surreptitious 

tarts 
Ry  simply  quoting  tin-  Prime  Mini 

So,  with  a  chastened  air,  you  must  i 
The  \M-a|~.ii  that  you  loved  and 

so  well, 
And      learn      to      t<-l-  rale      tho      dear 

delights 
That  lurk  in  l«>,ln  pillow - 

fig! 
Ami  ever  with  unrullled  temper  f 

Tin-  revolution,    of  the    *iuiK>tli  lipped 
Shell.* 

•   f'/.    WoBDSWORTII.  The  Kr  \       \  v  j 

TU  coovolutioni  of  •  nnootli-li).. 

1  m  l  in  it  IMII-I    have   f.,r.  Mm  the 

ill.-   two   I 
r.uli.nnent  when  hewioteihe  following: 

'  I"1  R0«  ; 

But  he  did  no  Her. I  ,.f  vi'l. . 
noM." 

Sir  tt 

1 


rUNTFT,   OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JUNE  20,  1907. 


FERMENTATION. 

M.  CLEMEXCF.AU  (Premier  of  the  French  h'c^nhli,- .  "CALM   Y<  >ri!SKLF.  .MuKSIEUR  BACCHUS.     YOU  DO 
NOT  TERRIFY  ME   WITH   YOUR   'WHIFF   OF  GRAPE  SHOT.'" 


JUNE  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


463 


"FIRE-WATER"    IN    THE    NORTH. 

\alire.    "IT'S   KAE   C8E   GANGtN1   fP  THERE.      THERE 's  NAE   WAITER." 

Local  Fire  Brigade  (In  chorus).  "  WE  JUST  MAUN  DRINK  IT  WI-OOT  THEN.' 


TO    MARK    TWAIN. 

(GUEST   OF  THE   PlLORIMS   CLUB,   JfNE   2jTII.) 

Turn  of  many  Pilgrims  since  the  shout 

"  Murk  twain!  " — that  serves  you  fora  deathless  sign- 
On  Mississippi's  waterway  rung  out 
Over  the  plummet's  line — 

Still  where  the  countless  ripples  laugh  above 

The  blue  of  halcyon  seas  long  may  you  keep 
Your  course  unbroken,  buoyed  upon  a  love 
Ten  thousand  fathoms  deep  ! 


0.  S. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.} 
Secret  Histort/  of  tin-  Ktinlish  Occupation  of  Eyi/pl  (|"N\VI\ 
is  an  alluring  title.     The  ingenuous  reader  anticipates  that 
Mr.  W  ii.KKii)  ]>i.i  NT  i>  going  to  make  hisdesh  creep.  Expectation 
is  heightened  !>y  tin-  circumstance  that  there  are  two  prefaces, 
one  written  s->me  years  ago  when  the  .MS.  was  first  eomp. 'scd. 
Revising  it,    Mr.  lil.L.vr   was  so  awed  with  the  importance 
of  his  disclosures,  so  alarmed  at  their  probable  effect  upon 
the  peace  of  Europe,  that  he  unselfishly  laid  them  on  one 
side.     Now,  as  he  makes  it  clear  in  the  second  preface,  he 


thinks  the  time  has  come  when  the  book  may  appear  without 
creating  a  European  cataclysm.  So  do  I.  Secrets,  God  bless 
you !  Mr.  BLUNT  has  none  to  tell.  He  adds  nothing  to 
common  knowledge  of  the  movement  that  resulted  in  the 
present  prosperous  condition  of  Egypt.  What  lie  relates 
with  a  garrulity  whose  drift  is  occasionally  hard  to  follow  is 
his  own  fussy  interference  as  self-appointed  emissary  from 
ARABI  and  the  so-called  National  party  in  Egypt  to  the 
British  Government.  Being  snubbed  both  in  Downing 
Street  and  Cairo,  he  is  severe  alike  on  Ministers  at  home 
and  their  representatives  abroad.  He  was  at  least  honest  in 
his  intentions,  sincere  in  his  advocacy  of  the  cause  he  took  to 
his  heart.  He  stood  by  ARABI  to  the  last,  paying  out  of  his 
private  pur.-e  the  considerable  charges  of  his  defence.  That 
is  to  his  personal  credit ;  but  as  a  contribution  to  one  of 
the  most  interesting  and  far-reaching  episodes  in  modern 
European  history  the  book  is  of  infinitesimal  value. 


There  is  no  saying  what  Er.ixon  Gi.ra  may  come  to  yet, 
but  I  doubt  if  even  her  faithful  publishers,  Messrs.  ]>ICK- 
WOKTH,  can  feel  any  real  confidence  that  she  will  produce 
more  rotten  stuff  than  her  latest  volume,  Three  Weeks.  A 
couple  of  samples  of  her  literary  style  may  serve  to  show 
how  difficult  she  will  find  it  to  surpass  herself.  Her  hero, 
at  the  time  of  his  first  attachment,  is  represented  as  "ready 


PUNCH,   OR  THK    LONDON  CHAKIVAKI. 


1907. 


li\ing    ho    had    written    T..IMX")   lagging 
letters,    and    .  K)   (£19 

which  came  from  his  parishioners!)  to- 

;  King  them  with  a  church  of 
B  architivt, 

clerk  work- 

man, joiner,  and   stonemason,  he- 
with  that  sum  a  building  worth  .' 
Hut   Iluie   «f   I'.i-il   ill)  |i  llissiiv  .    whicli 
is  Uie  title  of  Mr.  KKII;MU:Y  SV>\M->\ '- 
vigorous   story,   has    to  do  rather  with 
llie  workings  of   /Mr/*  s-.ul   than  with 
his  epi-t.>l;iry  and  manual  lal-.'ir.-.      He 
started   his  clerical 
celihate,  who  regarded  earthly  lo\ 
\ile    thing.      Whcr.  k.    its 

<rt  if  which  i  .11  his 

being  arraigned  for  tin-  murder  of  t he- 
first  woman  who  taught  him  th.it  love 
could  be  beautiful  and  divine.  M  well 
as  ugly  and  earthly.  Afterward-  Ix-ve 
relented,  and.  having  taught  him  his 
lesson,  heaped  cook  of  fire  on  hi-  head 
And  since  Parson  Anv,  for  all  his 
earnestness,  was  ne\er  a  prig,  I  like 
to  think  that  they  warmed  in.-t- 
scorching  him. 

Mr.  WILLIAM  CAP  n  who  has 

an  ear  for  the  throbbing  heart-lx-ats  of 
the  moment,  or  else  he  keeps  his  eye  on 
the  papers.  His  book.  '/'/«•  I'urxuit  of 
the  President  (Km  II.LI«;I:I.  is  a  rollicking 
account  of  the  efforts  of  Mi.--*  \\  ,iujli,  a 
Suffragette  leader,  to  interview  a  member 
of  the  Cabinet.  He  is  f^ir  John  < 'utter 
male,  the  President  of  the  Kurd  of  Kn- 
quiries  into  Army  Scandals,  and  ho 
alone  of  all  His  Maje-.iv'.-  Ministers  lias 
not  succumbed  to  Mits  \\'<iu>jh'*  volleys 
at  point-blank  range.  One  of  them  has 
been  run  down  in  the  courtyard  of  the 
War  Office  ;  another  overtaken'  and 
mercilessly  interviewed  half-way  up  tin- 
ascent  to  Waterloo  Station ;  a  third 
captured  after  escaping  temporarily 
through  the  coal  shoot  of  the  Athe 
mriim.  Only  Sir  Jo/in  remains,  and 
Mill  \\'auyh  is  on  his  track.  He  dodges 
her  from  his  residence  to  his  office; 
makes  his  way  to  die  House  M,I  the  roof 
of  the  Admiralty  ;  escapes  by  boat  from 

to  swear  eternal  devotion  with  that  delightful  inconsequence ' tac  terrace  to  his  motor;  scorches  to  Kolk.-st. ;  lairds  hi- 

of  youth  in  ila  onreaann.  thinking  to  control  an  emotion  as  tv      ' ;  .'an<^8  I1  Boulogne,  and  gets  into  a  balloon,  which  he 

'leaves  in  motion   by  the  guide   n>pe   ju-t   as    hi-   r.-|.  i 
pursuer  enters  it   by   the  ladder.      It   is  a    breathless  cha.se. 
and  Mr.  ('AIM'S  account  ought  to  I  -tandard   hand- 

book for  membra  of  the  movement.     Hut  ( 'abim-t   M, 


THE    SAVING 
A*n  au  ruaoit. 


-Tuat't 

TO  (AT  lut  BUHUf." 

•An  no*  MOCT 

Sax'*  MTTU.    AT  AJTT  un 


WORD. 

ttt'l   UAU.T   A  BurCLCM    PEBWJX. 


MM*  m  '  Ricar-o ! ' 


Aallercni  would  haw  had  him  do  the  ware*."  And 
hia  motbrr  "ooaU  not  imagine  a  atata  ol  thing*  which  con- 
lained  the  fart  that  her  god-like  aoo  might  ktuop  t 
daughter  of  ili<>  cnrthr  earth."  Aa  for  the  matter  of  the 
Ulr,  it  w.«iM  perfaana  not  he  fair  to  any  that  its  royal 
adreaturn*  was  i>(  the  I'.im 

10   TV   Kimily    li 

boonwd  bafonUnd  :     but  it 


: 


in  drawing- 

' 


not  fair,  that 
the   book 
>  not  liki •: 

:    tin- 
it    might 


the  moral  fibre  of  aome  callow  tweooie 


tiw  aerranu'-hall    iu  natural  damnation 


Dan,  the  Vicar  of  Giraeton,  «.»troke   of  tho 
Balljol  boat,  WM  aiz  foot  ..laome.  and  passing  rich 

on  £50  a  jw.    Six  month*  after  his  appointment 


must  read  it  too. 


'  'luirni.in  of  the  Hallinrolx-  Kwrd  of  ( iuardians  has  a 
•>g  way  \\ith  him.      He  is  there  to  lind  nut  the  truth, 
the  whole  truth  and  nothing  but  the:  truth.     In  the  pursuit 
if  this    he    pn.lM-s    carefully    all    the    evidence    that     is   la  il 
beforehini.    Nothing  escapes  him.    Her  where 

a  leaser  nun  would  II.IM-  |M-,'U  found  \\anting: — 

"uiii.— Wu   it  before  or  after  the  operation  the 


•    • 


'li.  liefore  UIP  o|>pr:iti>in.  i.f  i  ourae. 
^«ii«.  - 1  only  wanted  to  gel  that  from  yon  b 

-it*.    .«    ''  *    ... 


•Ute  it 


becaoac  you  did  not 
The  \\'r*ern  I'fopU. 


JUNE  26,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


4C5 


THE  rain  fell  pitilessly.  Mn.  Puxcn  shivered,  and  pulled  his  cloak  more  tightly  around  him.  TODY  had  vanished  into 
the  mist.  Mn.  PUNCH  stood  solitary,  shielding  his  eyes  from  the  storm  and  trying  to  penetrate  the  darkness  in  front 
of  him. 

"  Lost ! "  he  soliloquised.  "  Totally  lost.  The  place,  the  time,  the  season— all  are  strange.  This  ought  to  be 
about  the  middle  of  England  somewhere.  But  is  it?  I  doubt  it.  This  should  be  June.  June!  Ha!  The  year  is— I 
know  I  have  the  year  on  me— now  where  is  it  ? "  He  felt  in  his  pockets,  and  at  length  produced  a  small  calendar. 
"  Yes,  here  we  are  —Nineteen  Hundred  and  Seven.  That  is  to  say,  it  was  Nineteen  Hundred  and  Seven  when  I  left  London  : 
but  after  all  that  I  have  been  through—  He  broke  off  and  began  to  shout.  "  Hallo !  Hallo  !  " 

A  figure,  strangely  dressed,  appeared  suddenly  out  of  the  mist. 

"  Hi !  "  called  Mn.  PUNCH.     "  Come  here  a  moment,  will  you  ?  " 

The  man  advanced,  and  dropped  upon  one  knee. 

"  My  lord  hath  need  of  his  servant  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  Well,  to  tell  you  the  truth,"  said  Mn.  Prxrn,  "  I  have.  Though  I  don't  think  I  should  have  put  it  quite  that  way 
myself." 

"An  my  lord  pleases — 

"  That  'a  just  what  I  was  coming  to.  I  want  to  ask  you  something.  I  expect  it  sounds  rather  an  absurd  question, 
but  the  fact  is  I  'in  afraid  my  calendar  has — has  stopped--  and — in  short,  what  year  is  this  ?  " 

"  The  year  of  Grace  One  Thousand  and  Forty." 

Mn.  PUNCH  put  his  hand  to  his  head. 

"  Just  once  more,"  he  said.     "  I  didn't  quite  get  hold  of  it.     The  year  of  Grace " 

"  One  Thousand  and  Forty." 

MR.  PUNCH  turned  away  and  looked  anxiously  through  the  mist. 

"  Where  's  TOBY  ?  "  he  said.     "  I  want  TOBY.     I  must  go  home.     Here !     TOBY,  TOBY  !  " 

"  Good  my  lord " 

"  Oh  !  "  said  Mn.  Puxcn,  "  couldn't  vou  sav  something  else  ?  " 

"  Marry,  fair  Sir- 


"Yes,  that  is  a  little  better,  but " 

"  Toodle-oo,  old  spot." 

Mn.  PUNCH  turned  round  at  the  amazing  words  and  gazed  at  his  companion.     Then  he  stretched  out  his  hand 
and  seized  the  other's. 


ITNVII.  OR  THI-:  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


NT.    LV,.    l'.H)7. 


v,iurux\n  xv..nln.  ..  i.lil  spot.      Then  you  are  — 

other,  "not  exactly.     You  see  weV  1.  I'.iRe.mt  mi  II.T.V  ami    I'm  taking  :i  part.     It'.-, 

' 


It  I 

onlr  a 

• 

"  What  do  you  mean  by 
• 

plans  oo  ibe  way.    At  every 
St    Edmunds.  O» 


•n  the  ('<  and  have  to  arrange  everything;   Inn  I 

:ign  Pageant  ' 


soused  to  talking  lib-  that 


rjiightfaeceaturiea.    At 
"  Yea,  yea ;  bat  ours  is  the  1 

•aid  Hi.  Pnxai.-0-bo!    So  you 'i 
e !  "  said  the  other,  as  the  mist  rolled 
bowed. 


i      larted    fr.'in   I/>nd..n   a   u  •     •    vaii 

as  told  tliat  there  v  •      It  was  in  }»•  i> 

ihe    \Vappiiu-  heard   of    that    of 

r.ig'-ant.     He  epochs  to  be  n  rious. 


nt   tliat  even-lwdy  is  talking  about.     Do  you  realise  wl  m  ?     T! 


away  for  a  moment,  "  it '«  Mi:  Tin-  V.T> 


ooffb  I  CIMJ  not  mymell  make  t  to  (Jermany  the  other  ilay    yet  I  may  say  without  boasting  uiai  u, 

inddefeoMxe  alliance  witli  lfonaco.in<t  the  naxal  nffreement  xvitli  Swit/.-rland  were  among  the  more  happy  r.--idu  of  mv 
alirotMl.      Hut  in  thin  ms»>.  to  iiMirp  a  woman's  place    even  in  the  <-aii-e  of  peaee     would  l,e  dJStMtefu] 

no."  aaid  the  oth.-r.  "  vou  would  ,,,dy  U-  takiiiR  your  rightful  position.     Consi.l.-r  a  .,,          L     G  i  r.  v   r  de 
anrti  i  ovcntn  to  bgntan  the  burdens  of  the  people.     N  it  not  then  fair  that  you.  who  have  already  lightened  th  • 

people  a  bunlenx  mi  oft.-n.  nhoiild  now ' 

kit.  lYxrn  liliiHhe<l.     "  You  an>  t(»>  kind,"  he  said. 

;••«.  think  of  the  wealher.     \Vonld  you  let  a  woman " 

•re     no  more."  Kiiid  MR.  Prxm.     "  I  will  do  it." 
"  How  can  1  thank  \ 


hank  n^  not"  «i,|  t  'too  soon  ;  you  may  yet  repent  tUat  you  asked  me.    For  there  is  one  difficulty 

1  can  brww.     It  i-  tliat  the  jort  (.f  Puma  TOM  may  become  over-popular  " 
lie  paused  dramatically  for  n  moment. 
Fur,"  be  added.  "  I  shall  take  with  me  my  latest  chef  d'oeuvre."     And  with  that  he  modestly  patted  his 


<$ne  Ihmureb  anb  Cbirfu-Sctonb  Volume. 


JUNE  26,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


467 


Cartoons. 


E.   LlNLEI 

Champion  Hitr  (The) 4f5 

Ferme  .tation 461 

From  Birmarok  to  Buelow 46 

Hsnds  beneath  the  Sea  11 

Home-Ruled  839 

Indian  Secretary  Bird  (TJ  e) 407 

Marb'e  or  Flesh  !  178 

Midsummer  Day's  Preim  (A)  443 

More  the  Merri.r  (The)  817 

More  Zandgnalling SO 

NoClMi  853 

No  Peace  for  the  Willing   6ft 

Overd'-«    83 

Becond-of-Mareh  Hare  (The)   169 


BANCROFT,  EDITU  M. 

How  to  read  Smattly   395 

BOOTH,  J.  L.  0. 

Forecast  of  Amateur  Work  at  the 

B.A 818 

New  Drew  for  the  "  Lancers  "  (A)    84 

BHETHERTON,  C.  H. 

Airs  of  an  Exi.e 179,  926,  365 

To  a  Seagull    115 

To  the  American  Qirli 99 

BRISTOWB,  E.  S. 

Our  Bridge  Column  284 

BCRNET,  W.  HODGSON 

Choice  (The)    8T8 

Fountain  Pen  iThe) 101 

On  Flit*  109 

Rondeau  of  Popp  (A)  87 

To  tr.e  Electors  of  London U4 

BURTON,  C.  E. 

Motor  and  the  Matine\)  (The)  143 

CAUSE,  W. 

Un  Jtu  pour  le*  FOUR  00 

CAMPBELL,  A.  J. 

Revised  Verdict  (A) 66 

CAMPBELL,  GERALD 

Mr.  Punch's  harmless  Self -educator  829 

Our  Booking-Office 88,  5  ,90, 126, 

144,    62,  180,  198,  '.84.  288.  806,  324, 
812,  860,  893,  414,  43?,  490,  4(4 

CARBICK,  HARTLEY 

Ballade  of  the  Backl  (A) 287 

CaveCine'Em  460 

Herald  (The)  118 

Lay  of  a  Liberal 483 

Look  on  this  li.ture 106 

On  Mutability 41 

Oxford  revisited 803 

P.aint  of  a  Playgoer  (The) 815 

Ehymei   f  Reason 8E8 

Song  of  Six  Suburb!  (The) M 

CHALMERS,  P.  E. 

Partridge  Shooting  end* 82 

Spr.ng-Fiahing  203 

COCRLANDEB,  ALPHONSE 
Newest  Journalism  (The)   177 


SAMBOURNE,  E.  LDJLET 

Siow-nrer  (A> 871 

Socialism  under  Hatches 101 

Tethered  187 

Tug  of  Peace  (The)  191 

Very  Old  Age  Pension.  209 

WaryBirdOA)  185 

Will  they  Bell  the  Call  11* 

PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD 

AbntOmrnl   BT 

Au  Itevoir! 129 

C.-B.  "  Means  Business"  227 

Coming  Perilette  (The)  188 

Dead  Cert  (A) 899 


PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD 

For  this  relief  no  thanlu 147 

Happy  Medium  <T.e) 827 

History  Uifeats  Itself 166 

Homing £81 

Hunted  Down 809 

Mammoth  Din  City  (The)  Ill 

Only  Way-but  One  (Ihi) 299 

Opposition  Anchor  Cannon  (The)...  244 

Pair  of  Potentate!  (A) 201 

Fax  Beerbohmica 76 

Peter  Punch  and  the  New  Year  ...      8 

"  Renowned  Salisbury  " 963 

Semi-Jubilee  (A)  381 

Shadowed  I  W 


Articles. 


DARK,  RICHARD 

Onr  Button' 248 

DAVIDSON,  EDGAR 

Wastrels  Again  (The) 278 

DEANE,  A.  C. 

Anticipation  (An) 279 

Gard.  that  I  love  (Toe)    199 

ECKEBSLET,  ARTHCB 

Drama  of  Thursday 269 

Immoral  Tales    86 

Modes  for  the  Massei 885 

Old  Friends  with  New  Year  Faces    85 
Practical  Gardener  (The)    843 

EDMONDS,  F. 

Legend  of  Trafalgar  Square  (A)  ...  123 
Suffragette  160 

ELIAS.  FRANK 

Arithmetic  Parer  (An)    109 

English  Repeater  (An) 861 

Heroes  v.  Sheroes 231 

Z  xilogical  Sequela     278 

EMANTJEL,  WALTER 

Charivaria 8,82,58.67  78,98,125, 

143,  145,  172,  181.  215,  217,  25,  253, 
280,  !89,  314,  841,  848,  876,  879,  898, 
431,  439,  4M 

On  the  Choice  of  Ftt«  41 

GARDINER,  CHARLES  INOE 

Dodge-mud,  and  How  to  Play  It ...  185 

GABRETT,  T.  E. 

Mariana  in  March 188 

GARTET,  INA 

Blanche's  Letters 8C8,  86? 

From  the  O.her  cide 159 

Be-instating  ChrMm  s  18 

GOLDSTEIN,  A.  S. 

.Africa  Jim  88 

More  Education  Acts  19 

GRAVES,  C.  L.  AND  LUCAS,  E.  V. 

"Armchair"  (The)  420 

Atlantic  Tunnel  (The) 88 

Concerts   440 

Confederate  Speaks  (The)  146 

Conversion  of  America  (The) Ml 


GRAVES,  C.  L.  AND  LUCAS,  E.  V. 

Dangerous  Declaration! 840 

DefeaUd  at  Last    S60 

Diary  of  the  Editorial  ea'ente  420 

Extraordinary  Instance*  of  Lon- 
gevity     890 

Food  for  all 460 

Funny  Furniture  Co.  (The!   880 

Oreat  Expl  it  of  a  Grocer's  Ass:  t.    53 

Healthful  I/ ndon    204 

How  to  brighten  Bar qu  ts 8(8 

In  a  new  Neighbourhood   404,  46 8 

In  happy  Dunmow    261 

Latest  Advertising  (Toe)    S78 

Letters  without  Answers. 804 

Life's  LHtle  Difficulties  812 

Life's  Little  Discussions  9 

Limit  (The) 98 

Link!  Law  ...  63 

Literary  Gosrip  840 

Literary  Stars  for  America S85 

Loid    romer   272 

Monologue  at  <  hs  Zoo  (A) 901 

Monum»nUl  Memoir  (A)   404 

MnicslNoes 188,  3E 8 

My  Recollections  of  the  O.O.M.  ...  417 

New  C  Iture  (The)   816 

New  Use  for  Telepathy  (A)   64 

No  se  Nuisance  (The)  462 

One  •  f  Nature's  Artsts  886 

Our  Booking-Offlce...   64,141,252,306, 
878,  414 

Our  Humble  Prodigies    8 

Our  Mo  iern  Solomons     131 

Our  Titled  Invontoi  s    2  2 

Out  ani  Outer S31 

Plea  for  Humility  (4) 814 

Plea  for  Panegjric  (A)    S9f 

Poite  Feederf  rhe)  112 

Premiers  at  Portsmouth  (The) 8»0 

Putney  Pigtant  (The! 261 

Renaissar  oe  of  Eton  (The) 178 

Royal  and  Ancient  I jith's ¥66 

Second  Clamber  of  Horrors  (A)  ...  106 

Selfishness  of  Science  (Th»)   86 

Statesmtn  as  Investor  (The) 14 

Ti.eatrical  Forecast  (A)  805 

Trap  for  Country  Mice  (A) 6 

24,  42,  60,  74,  96,  114, 132, 190, 168 


PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD 

Splendide  Mendiu 868 

Taking  it  Laterally 89 

To  a  M-ster .  f  his  Art    453 

Voice  of  the  Charmer  i  The)   484 

Warrior  Unbends  (The) 846 

Wicked  Unole  (The) 417 

RAVEN-HILL,  L. 

Ca  e  for  Relief  (A^    978 

Dan  elgone  from  Judgment  (A) ...  291 

Dark  Howe  (The) H» 

Passing  of  the  Growler  (Toe)    237 

Squaring  Accounts  91 

Who  Shall  Decide 1    166 


GRAVES,  C.  L.  AND  LUCAS,  E.  V. 

Wanted,  a  Leader 1W 

WartotheKnfe  8J 

Weuiog  of  the  G;een  (The) 2.5 

What  kind  of  Paper  doei  a  Man 

like  best!  894 

Womin,  Woi  an  everywhe  e   188 

Wright  Methol  of  Biography  (The)  286 

GDTHBIE,  ANSTET 

Animalcules  at  the  Alhambra  290 

Cockaigne  s'amuu 366 

Fight  for  Childhood  Suffrage 906 

Limerick  Bench  (The) 874 

Lttle  hows  for  Large  Window... .  940, 
MM 

Our  Booking-Office  144 

Sitting  to  a  Sculptcr    294 

HANKIH,  ST.  JOHN 

Hamlet's  Soliloquy  807 

HARRIS,  W.  T. 

Dick  984 

HENDERSON,  W. 

Purloined  Paper  (A)    422 

HOME,  ALICE 

Twentteth-Oituiy  Child  (The) 957 

HUGHES,  0.  E. 

Moderate  or  ProneuJve !  181 

Onr  B  oking-Office...  18,  3  ,  54,  72, 108, 
126,  102,  198,  216,  270,  806,  842,  860, 
878,  893,  432,  450,  464 

JIUBRT,  A. 
Backbanper  (The) 27 

JENKINS,  ERNEST 

Avoirdnp  is  of  Souls  (The)    214 

Free  Firewood  for  the  Aristocracy  18!) 

Great  Strike  (The) ;9 

Humanis  -d  House  (A) WJ 

KEIGWIU,  R.  P. 

Gradation 267 

Tip-topical  Eong  (The)     161 

Vindication  of  the  Athlete  (The) ...  128 

KELLETT,  E.  E. 

Much  Assurance 413 

KENDALL,  CAPTAIN 
Cry  of  an  Evicte  1  Ghost  (The) 986 


rr\rii. 


F.«»MIM\  I-HUMV.MM. 


Articles — continued. 


'  .  '. -«u»l  <  I ;   i.  '.  IT    f.  r<  n-»  V, 

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RrrTESBEto,  MAX 

BuronStrik*  (Th.1 91 


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RovA*,  HILL 


SEAMA»,  Own 

Aiothtr  Part  of  Ih*  Channel 8M 

A*  Other*  fail  to  le*  U<  «7 

Child*  Kind  to  the  dark  To«*r 


I  Uiuband  (A)  4U 

-    »»tt  AC*  (The)  ...  .- 

Caveat  Garden  Ma  Winter  Be  »i  t    08 

CoveMKJBdirfarten   340 

DrarYLuieWeterHaiidJ.-ap  Tat;  tat 

For  Raker  and  K  nderUnd    H 

rneFoodOrn  (A  .  l<6 

(treat  Tunnel  OoeeUoe  (The; SO 

Hobday  T»«k(Th.) 18 

Humoun  of  aa  ••  li-h  bumewr      41« 
!•  MM  Hate  (tauter  443 

Ltoe.wo<th«  Motor-Cabby  434 

Lordita  Wai**  * Ml 

Melodrama  at  th*  Court KM 

Monarch*  of  th.8!ar> 181 

Owt  Bootdnc-0«oe lf>,  TJ,  180,  188, 

170.  J8M«,8«0,  414,48) 
ro*ttobi<Buffra«eUe(TiM) 164 

ReUmofth*D»re(Tb*) »0 

Smart  Setback  (A) 100 

TwtaUoM  of  Antony  (Tn«)  I 

Tto^lbrkTnin"  ..  Ma 

TbtbtMWratherof  UMUOOH"  88) 

Two  Ooo-lUa  Bbowi M3 

SENIOR,  W. 
JBwpooTout  6,71.107 


Sunn,  BERTIUII 

Tmkwf  •  iKtme*  .....    n 

W>«iunui  IliU-h—  I  hur*  met         <  . 
STACO.  J    !: 

N«w  Y««r  Re»  Jnlioin  .  14 

FhOomlMr  of  U»  Hctaon  (A)  ......  MO 

MdkildFDrtar  (TlM>)  ..............  4U 

Uptoth*  Nino  ..- 

Swerr,  G.  S. 

AULM     ..  SM 

jtai  i»M.od«  (A) 

Fran  Court  and  Empire 


F*lM«  of  Fuck  (TIM)  ..... 
Kwumctioo  Cook 
•Una*  and  Tnf  alffmz  Bauan  • 
SlKES    A.  A. 
GualAau!cn7(A) 


mHobUM  . 
Our  MW  Acrodaa*  . 

Bhwi't   

TaboomtnUi  .... 


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Tobacco  T*et  of  Oi  n  u. 
WanUd-A  Floier  .  . 

•t-.llumo  rMe(A) 


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THOMAS,  LESLIE 


THOMWOH,  V. 

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WALOU,  DofOLA-s 

i  •hiralrtMUi  Buneetion  (A) 

WATT,  HANSARD 

Trail  of  an  Artiet  (Tb*) 

WEBB,  FEED  O. 

Owed  to  a  Telephone  Girl 
WILMIM.  ROBERT  ('  K 

In  th*  Pobo*  CbnrU,  1»10 
WILSOV,  THEODORA  WILSON 

AJ  July  approach* 
WODEHODSE,   P.  O. 

AuerieanMAtton  of  Ixndon  Tfc*)., 

Barrar  k-rootn  FaQadj 

Ctatty  Method!  on  tb*  Bench 

Corloemee  of  Cricket  (The) 

Bodal  Eef ormere  (Th.) 
V.  LaOR)  •    ; 

Brlp  fnm  the  Hague  — 


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411 


151 

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341 

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Pictures  and  Sketches. 


Attoci.O  DcnoiJi  ...  9.  31.  49. 87. 81.  103.   Voiiuw.  OEOKW...C.  21,  4» 


IW.  tm.  22«.  243,  !«5. 
333.351,383,41 
417 

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..  16.  W.M.M.78,  IfiK.  III. 
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SI-  !!!•  85°'  !55-  PBOIIA«,  y«» '35.  or,,  i  si ;  i .-. 

300,366,381,396,  POTT,  CHARLES 

RAVEH-HILI.  I          IM.  |,;,  63  64,  82,  : 

130,154,  172,  190,  208,  21  ..334, 

:  70,  388,  400.  41' i 
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139,140,  i:.7.  i;r,.  i.  i  -11. 1-1- 

220,  230,  247, 
355,357. 
445.  446 
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lll<HARI>80>,  U.  J  190 

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70 


PUNCH,  OH  TH«  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  DECEMBER  75,  190;. 


PUNCH 

Vol.  CXXXIII. 
JULY— DECEMBER,    1907. 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  DECIMBEI  if,  1907. 


PYNCH. 


YOL.  133. 


LONDON: 
PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    10,    BOUVERIE    STREET, 


AND   SOLD   BY    ALL    BOOKSELLERS. 
1907. 


fmcm,  M  tin  LOOM  Ou> 


.         :,    • 


Priattn, 


JCLT  3,  W07.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  WELL-WASHED  ISLE. 
TRUE  native  of  the  ocean,  whence 

You  suddenly  (as  songs  allege)  rose, 
My  theme,  Britannia,  is  the  dense 
Green-  like  a  newly-painted  fence — 

That  garnishes  your  hedge-rows. 

How  often,  blinded  by  the  dust 

That  held  some  Gallic  spa  in  bondage, 
Impressionable  tourists,  just 
Returning  from  a  week-end  bust, 
Have  wept  to  see  your  frondage  ! 


The  southern  oli*«,  silver-gray. 

The  palm  that  in  our  boyhood  gripped 

us, 

Have  they  the  spell  of  English  may, 
Of  hawthorn  and  of  rose  ?    Not  they ! 
(Nor  has  the  eucalyptus). 

Men  who  have  seen  the  mango-trick, 
Or  laid  their  heads  on  lotus-pillows, 

Of  sugar-cane  and  chutney  sick, 

Are  penetrated  to  the  quick 
By  rows  of  pollard  willows. 


But,  England,  if  a  fame  that  stands 

Still  where  it  did,  I  can't  demolish, 
There 's  some  excuse  for  foreign  lands 
Wlii iso  leaves  are  sere,  while  local 

brands 
Retain  their  bootlike  polish. 

The  glorious  green  that  glads  our  eye, 
And  gives  exotic  loaves  a  drubbing, 
Is  due  to  what  the  Fates  deny 
To  woods  beneath  an  alien  sky — 
Interminable  tubbing ! 


VOL.    I  ANXIII. 


1TNVII,   OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVARL 


3.  1907. 


THE    DETACHMENT    OF    PRENDERBY. 
b  GUAT  Damn  warn  en  Scnouurr  ? 


*i"«t  had  A|tmi  dim  T  but  consulted  PROKMT 
to  the  right  opinion  to  be  formed  on  the  trend  of  affair.- 
The  anna£  of  Parliament  had  bean  doll  to  the  point  of  boredom 
ami  I  only  cared  to  intrude  upon  him  at  moments  of  crisis. 
Bat  now  so  dark  and  heavy  a  cumulus  of  clouds  had 
itself  arrosa  tbe  face  of  the  national  sun.  attracting  the  notice 
of  the  man  observant  among  our  half-penny  newspapers 
that  I  felt  bound  to  call  and  inquire  if  he  had  anything  to 
offer  me  by  way  of  a  silver  b'ning. 

"Things,"  I  said  to  him,  "are  looking  very  black  for  tin. 
supremacy  :ntry      Within  the  past  fen  weeks 

unpionships  of  Tennis  and  Golf  have  gone  to  Amcric. 
and    Kr.i:i.  at  Ascot,  in  competition   with  Tin 

White  Knijlit  (rbess  was  never  our  strong  point1,  a   French 
htm  come  near  luaccuringone  half  of  the  missing  Gul  I  Cup 
and  now,  to  crown  all,  the  South  Africans  have  vanquished 
our  Champion  •  >  a  margin  of  no  fewer  titan  two 


"  You  have  stated  the  facts,"  said  PaccDOUtT,  with  an  air  ol 
MKH'easiou  "  It  is  trim  that  in  M.  KiSflET  we  have  a  Risque 
who  can  posh  a  small  white  pellet  into  72  consecutive  holes 
with  greater  craft  than  any  living  Itriton.  It  is  true  that  Mr. 
J.  GOCLD,  on  a  meat  diet,  has  hit  balls  along  the  top  of  a 
penthouse  rather  faster  than  the  best  of  our  home  vegetarians. 
Tbe  rest  is  also  true,  and  you  might  have  added  that  in  the 
soft-ball  department  of  Tennis  there  is  every  prospect,  at  the 
time  of  speaking,  that  the  palm  will  be  lifted  by  a  rcprcsen 
lative  of  the  Antipodes." 

"England  -.  rposed  passionately— "  England !  with 

all  thy  Tennis-faults  I  love  thee  still." 

"Hut,"  continued  PKXKXBT,  "I  view  these  signs  of  the 
times  with  resignation.  I  grant  that  the  old  1'anem  ei 
C.rr»»fM.'— Give  us  our  Ilig  Loaf  and  our  Spectacle! — is 
still  the  cry  of  Democracy.  If  my  friend  Mr.  ST.  LOE  STRAPIIKY 
will  accept  tbe  compliment,  this  is  peculiarly  the  age  of  Free 
Food  and  The  Speeiator.  The  spirit  of  the  'looker-on  is  with 
us.  and  we  shall  soon  engage  none  but  the  beet  gladiators 
from  overseas  to  make  sport  before  us.  Yet  there  are  many 
v  in  which  we  preserve,  and  even  extend,  our 
Thna " 


"The  Old  Country."  I  said,  "still  retains  the  Draughts 
Championsbip." 

"  Thus."  resumed  Punxur.  "  it  has  long  been  our  boost 
that,  fur  our  size  and  the  magnitude  of  interests  at  stake,  we 
have  tbe  amount  army  in  the  world ;  and  Uvday  its  diinen- 
-TOS  are  appreciably  smaller. 

"  When  it  comes  to  ridiculing  the  necessity  for  self-sacrifice 
in  defence  of  our  national  honour  we  stand  unrivalled.  No 
other  country,  placed  aa  we  are,  approaches  our  standard  in 


"Again,  we  contrive  to  subsist  on  more  meat  and  fewer 
ideas  than  any  other  known  nee  of  civilised  beings. 

No  people  takes  so  keen  a  delight  in  a  national  sport  in 
which  a  single  game  requires  three  whole  days  before  you 
can  arrive  at  an  indecision. 

"Can  you  cite  any  other  country  where  it  is  impossible  to 
walk    out-of-doors    without  colliding   with    an    historical 


~  \Vlbew  is  the  Ideal  of  The  People's  Will  so  filed  in 
principle  and  so  volatile  in  practice? 

Has  any  free  nation  produced  a  Labour  Party  that  U  leas 
distracted  from  its  private  ends  by  tbe  disturbing  claims  of 

••good? 

Finally,  in  what  sane  country  have  the  People's  Elect 
wna-ro  overwhelming  majority  in  favour  of  reducing 
tb»  Sscond  Chamber  to  a  condition  of  impotence  ? 


"Ido  not  wish,"  concluded  PBEJTOERBT,  with  a  fine 
of  modesty—  "I  do  not  wish  to  appear  swollen-headed.  but 
I  confess  that  I  cannot  contemplate  my  country's  place 
among  the  nations  without  a  pardonable  satisfaction.  Sun-U 
we  can  afford  to  let  a  few  barbaric  trophies  go,  if  in  thi 
higlicat  qn..  .  a>l  and  1  II  remain  nupp-mc.' 

ly,"    I    replied.     '•  1  shall    not 

<lespair    even    though    the    Grass    Tennis    Chanipion.-hip  is 
by    an    Aii-ti.ili.-m.       I     K-avo    jour  \-i  r\ 

sanguine  about  our  Island's  futiir 

TO    THE    FIRST    CATCH. 

K   I«vn>t\Tr   I'i;"  -TUT. 
I  not  as,  if  I  IT.    II.  ••  -t  aright, 
^on  came  last  year,  with  sudden  s.  siring  flight 
Kising,  and  falling  from  a  monstrous  height, 

AVhere  I  (that  am  not  fond  of  lielding 
Thus  curly),  struck  all  over  of  a  heap. 
Watched  with  pained  ey,  s,  ami  ,nr  downward 

[sweep, 

And  raised  beseeching  hands  to  clutch  yon  round, 
Whence  you  escaped,  and  with  one  mad  rebound 
Insanely  dashed  yourself  upon  the  ground. 

Not  from  the  lat's  edge  e.  ime,  with  that  weird  swerve 
Ity  golfers  called  the  slice,  whose  donUe  en 
Foihj  the  keen  eye  and  shocks  the  high-strung  nen 


Nor  in  the  slips  approach  me,  with  a  spin 

That  grinds  you  from  the  palm  lie  fore  you  're  in  ; 

And  oh,  if  straight  I  stand,  or  square,  or  thin, 

Whate'er  my  post,  in  whatsoever 
You  come,  I  trust  I  may  at  least  devise 
Koine  plausible  excuse,  if  need  should  rise. 

That  either  I  may  urge  :  "  Good  Surh-an-one, 
Almost  I  had  it,  but  1  was  undone 
]?y  the  surpassing  glory  of  the  Sun  "  ; 

Or  haply,  "See,  how  slippery  lies  the  grass! 
How  dark  yon  tree,  wherein  the  hall  did  p 
Clean  from  my  ken  !     Good  Captain,"  or  "  Alas, 

Good  IWIer,  blame  me  not;  such  happening 

Had  fniled  the  most  elect  ;  our  very  King 

(God  bless  him!)  would  have  missed  the  rotten  thing." 

And,  if  this  dread  ordeal  must  nerds  l.<  -fall  ; 

If  I  pec  no  excuse,  however  small, 

Likely  to  serve;  why  then,  confound  it  all, 

M  in  no  gentle  shape;  but  come,  and  lie 

-too  ficnv  I. 
Too  far  to  reach     it  makes  no  odds  t  .....  ,•! 

That  I.  with  one  wild  le;ip  upon  the  sward 

May  stretch  a  hand  (the  left  for  choice   and  lord  ! 

May  find  you  sticking  of  your  o\\ 

Warm  in  the  palm;   and.  after  one  hushed  sigh, 
Rabbis  and  einniois-seur  alike  shall  erv 
Mirm-le!     A  Miracle.  !  "-wl.il  •  I 

Lightly  miy  t.«.  y,n.  from  me,  with  an  air 

•:.vial  an  affair 

Mere  common  place  ;  or,  even  if  my  prayer 


ful.K-ss,  if  this  glory  bo  denied, 

i  meLmcl 
In  the  condoning  tribute  <,f,'"  \\\11  tried  !  " 


Dun-Dun. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JULY  3,  1907. 


THE   HOUSE  OF   PEACE. 


PEACE  "ALWAYS  GLAD  TO  LEND  MY  HOUSE  FOR  A  GOOD  CAUSE.  STILL,  THEY  MIGHT 
PERHAPS  HAVE  ASKED  ME  TO  JOIN  THEM.  BUT  EVIDENTLY  IT'S  MY  ROOM  THEY  WANT, 
AND  NOT  MY  COMPANY." 


JULY  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


INVITATIONS   WITH    AN    OBJECT. 

TIIE  COUNTESS  OF  BROKELEIOH  AT  HOME,  WEDNESDAY,  JULY,  3,  4.30—7.     BROKELEIQH  HOUSE,  BELORAVE  SQUARE.     Admission  £5  5«.  Od. 


IN  A  NEW  NEIGHBOURHOOD. 
THE  CALL:   A  ONE-SIDED  CONVERSATION. 

"  I  SHOULD  have  come  earlier  only  I 
was  not  quite  sure  which  of  us  came  to 
this  part  first.  I  had  an  idea  that  it 
was  you,  but  my  husband  says  that  we 
moved  in  two  days  before  you.  Still 
your  curtains  were  up  before  ours,  and 
I  know  you  had  water  first,  because  we 
borrowed  some.  Still  it  doesn't  really 
mntter,  and  if  I  have  made  a  mistake  you 
w  ill  forgive  me,  won't  you  ?  My  husband 
and  I  are  so  unconventional. 

"  Has  any  one  else  called  on  you,  I 
wonder?  No  doubt  they  will.  There 
are  some  very  nice  people  here — very 
nice.  Mrs.  BELLINGHAM  is  certain  to 
come,  because  Mr.  BELLINGHAM  is  the 
doctor,  and  she  calls  on  everyone — makes 
a  point  of  it.  Do  you  play  croquet  ? 
Because  she  '11  want  you  to  play ;  but 
that 's  very  dull,  isn't  it?  Golf-croquet 
is  just  possible;  but  the  real  game — 
too  tiring  altogether. 

"And  Miss  LYE  will  be  sure  to  call. 
She  ia  quite  charming — such  a  dear, 
but  a  little  peculiar,  perhaps.  You 
must  not  mind  her  odd  ways.  She 


knew  MORRIS  and  that  set,  you  know. 
After  a  while  one  gets  quite  used  to 
her.  She's  a  Buddhist,  too,  you  know 
—such  a  charming  religion  if  one  can 
really  believe  in  it. 

"Then  there  are  the  new  people  at 
Hillside.  I  don't  know  them  yet,  but 
I  hear  they  're  very  nice.  He 's  a 
barrister.  I  am  told  she  was  the 
daughter  of  Sir  THOMAS  BOND  the 
engineer.  Their  children  are  perhaps 
a  little  too  noisy,  but 

"  No,  no  sugar,  thank  you.  Yes,  cream. 

"The  Vicar's  wife  of  course  you 
have  had  here  ?  A  little  bit  masterful, 
perhaps,  but  very  well-meaning.  A 
distant  relation  of  Mr.  HALDANE,  I  have 
heard.  But  if  I'd  known  the  church 
was  so  low  I  doubt  if  we  should  have 
come  here  at  all ;  we  thought  very 
seriously  of  Raynes  Park.  TOM — my 
husband — you  see,  plays  golf  every 
Sunday,  so  the  service  matters  nothing 
to  him.  Poor  fellow,  he  works  so  hard 
during  the  week  that  I  can't  object. 
Perhaps  when  DORIS  and  GUT  are  a  little 
older  he  will  have  to  be  more  careful. 

"  I  doubt  if  you  will  see  anything  of  the 
FULLERTONS.  They  live  at  that  odd  house, 


The  Shelf.  Mrs.  PLUM  declares  they  're 
Atheists,  but  I  hope  not,  because  their 
little  girls  look  so  nice,  and  they  are  just 
about  Gtnr  and  DORIS'S  age.  Only  Free- 
thinkers, I  hope.  He 's  a  writer,  I  believe, 
though  I  know  nothing  about  his  books. 

"The  county  people  probably  won't 
call.  This  is  one  of  the  most  snobbish 
neighbourhoods  in  England,  I  am  told. 
Not  that  they  're  any  loss ;  but,  after  all, 
society  must  hold  together.  They  think 
of  nothing  but  motoring  and  bridge 
and  their  own  set. 

"  No,  no  more  tea,  thank  you. 

"I  suppose  you  are  quite  finished 
settling  in  now.  I  wonder  what  sort 
of  a  range  your  landlord  gave  you. 
Ours  is  a  Phoenix — most  excellent. 

"I  wonder  if  Mr. ah  • Mr. 

if  your  husband  plays  tennis.  My 


husband  is  very  keen,  and  we  have  a 
lawn  which  will  be  quite  good  in  a 
year  or  two. 

"You  have  the  Sketch,  I  see.  We 
take  the  Tatler.  I  wonder  if  you  would 
care  to  exchange?  But  they're  just 
alike,  aren't  they  ? 

"  Thank  you.  Oh,  don't  get  up. 
Good-bye." 


ITNCll, 


THK    I.M.NDON   CIIAKlVAl:!. 


[Ji-LT  3,  1907. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

Is    Tit*   MOVEMI  • 

DBAKKST  DArH»,— Darling  Pom- 
POM  was  At  Home  yesterday  from  4 
to  5.80.  Hi*  invite  card*  were  thing* 
of  joy.  The  dearest,  weeniest  thing*, 
.  rvain  MM!  gold,  with  hie  monogram 
ainl  erect  in  colour*.  A  crowd  of  his 
little  friends  came  (at  least,  perhaps 
1  oughtn't  to  say  friendt,  for  the 
angel  tried  to  bite  them  whenever 
they  got  near  enough),  and  the  yellow 
<  I  raw  ing -room  was  like  the  Agricul- 
tural Hall  during  a  dog  *how.  '. 
\Vu  brought  her  lovely  little  Si:. 
spaniel — a  triumph  of  breeding,  my 
dear;  it  can  hardly  walk  or  see! 
So  big  doggies  were  invited,  but  BOSH 
brought  his  champion  St.  H.  mard. 
Charlemagne.  The  dear  old  boy  was 
.•ood.  and  sat  as  grave  as  a  judge 
(as  people  vtrd  to  say,  before  j 
became  professional  funny  men)  till 
refreshments  sppearcd,  when  he 
annexed  his  own  share  and  the  shares 
of  all  hi*  neighbours.  There  was  a 
holy  scrim  among  the  tiny  people, 
mill  amid  wailing  and  gnashing  of 
teeth,  Ilosn  took  Charlrmagne  away 
•>g  his  tail  and  licking  liis  chops. 

Iv-ople  am  telling  a  funny  little 
story  of  the  Duchess  of  DINSTABLE'S 
last  dance.  It  was  ss  well  done  as  the 
ever  does  anything;  there  was  ade- 
quate provision  of  sitting-out  nooks 
and  place*  where  you  can  say  just 
whatever  occurs  to  you;  and  when 
dancing  began  the  rooms  were  full. 
Hut  gradually  the  dancers  thinned 
down  so  that  people  woiuli-r.il. 
Were  they  going  on  somewhere  else  ? 
ey  sitting  out?  Oh, 
drar,  no!  Kitting  out  isn't  good 
enough  now.  What  do  you  think  had 
happened?  My  dear,  half  the  girls 
and  their  partners  were  off  for  a  spin 
in  autocabs.  Some  of  them  didn't 
get  back  till  supper,  and  had 
rnilr*  ami  miles  into  the  country. 
.•  on,  aren't  we?  Old 
TABLK.  1  hear,  put  on  her  best 
i.»y  frown  (her  own  demure 
"O  was  among  the  culprits,  if 
you  please,  with  n  j.erfectly  ineligible 
partner),  and  »aid  severely.  "  If  thin 
sort  of  thing  is  to  obtain,  it  will  be 
•beer  waste  of  money  to  engage  a 
band."  C'cst  l^n  elle.  n'r.f-cf-ps*? 

Then  '•  been  a  story  going  about 
since    Ascot    that    Mrs. 
Bocmunctt  has  split  with  her  bear- 
leader because  she  couldn't  g- 
new   woman    a   card  for  the  Royal 
Enclosure.     Mr*.  B.-B.  said  it  was  in 
the  bond.    I.adv  UCKSILUOI  s;. 
wasn't.      So    there    are    rows    and 
rumours  of  rows. 

k  Teas  are  a  good  deal   in 
tbe  air  just  now.      But  you  ouc 


be  careful  as  to  the  people  you  ask. 

•  are   lot»  who  can't  be  in:. 
see  tl  nn  ordinary  verse 

and  a  Limerick.     I  had  a  very  suc- 
cessful Limerick  IVu  last  week,  and 

prizes  for  the.  best  ones.     N 
got  the  first  prize,  as  his  was  . 
rally  considered  to  deserve  it.     Here 
itis:  — 

"Oh.  IJmerirk  Tca»  are  •  bora. 
And  Uw  rap  that  oiir«  cheered  ia  no  more, 
For  «e  'IP  all  looking  down, 
With  a  Limerick  frown, 
And  (parching  (or  rliyroea  on  the  floor." 

That  reminds  me,  I  must  tell  you  a 
pretty  thins  the  Yankee  boy  Cl.r 
VAMM>LLAUBILT  said  to  me  tin-  other 
day.  I  was  ragging  him  about  his 
national  spelling,  dropping  a  letter 
out  of  words  like  "  favour."  "  par- 
lour," and  so  on.  "  Well,"  he  said, 
"  I  guess  you  've  converted  me  gome, 
Nlri.TiMii.i-,  for  I  'II  always  think 
in  future  that  parlour  looks  best  with 
u  in  it,  anyway." 

Pageants  are  raging  all  over  the 
country,  and  I  feel  thnt  Ix>ndon  ought 
to  be  in  the  movement,  so  I  'm  organ- 
ising one,  in  which  1  shall  take  the 
chief  part  myself.  I  asked  a  lot  of 
people  to  find  some  reason  for  a 
IxMidon  Pageant  just  now,  and  BOSH 
TRESYM.Y\X  die  's  awfully  clever  and 
well  read)  said  he  thought  it  was  on 
a  ^londay  in  July  one  or  two  thou- 
sand years  ago  that  BOADICEA  took 
Ix>ndon  away  from  the  Romans.  So 
there'*  my  Pageant!  BOADICEA 
with  her  hair  down  (my  hair  is  past 
my  waist,  you  know,  and  waves 
naturally),  a  golden  circlet  round  her 
head,  big  gold  bracelets  on  her  upper 
arms,  going  on  a  triumphal  car  to 
give  thanks  for  her  victory.  The 
Pageant  will  start  from  Hyde  Park 
Corner  and  go  right  to  the  Mansion 
House,  where  a  thanksgiving  service 
with  Druid  rites  will  be  held.  It  will 
come  back  by  another  route.  We  shall 
wind  up  with  a  dinner  and  dance. 
BABS  and  WKE-WEB  and  BKKYI. 
Ci. \ROES  all  say  it's  quite  enough 
for  me  to  do  all  the  organis- 
ing, and  that  they  can't  let  me 
sacrifice  myself  by  doing  BOADICKA 
as  well.  They  're  each  of  them 

Siitr  willing  to  do  it.  But  I  said 
o,  I  meant  to  go  through  with  it 
all.  And  they  turned  positively 
catty,  my  dear.  The  defeated  Roman 
General,  Scrr — something,  ought  to 
bo  in  the  Pageant,  but  1  can  't  get 
anyone  to  do  him.  NORTY  hng  the 
right  features,  but  ho  soys  he 
wouldn't  care  to  be  "  part  of  a  rnrec- 
shpw."  That  's  just  like 
Ml  told  him  ;  they  won't  endure. 
l>oing  stared  a <  ragoodci 

.11  the 
staring  quite  patiently. 


"  Oh,  well,  you  Vo  in  training,"  he 
said;  "  you  're  used  to  stares — whole 
flights    of    them.      Hut    what  's    the 
6  in  this  particular  ea- 

'  Why,"    1    said.    "  to    teach    Lon- 
doners   aliont    their    City.      To    make 

EUgtory." 

"  With  you  representing  History," 
he  ar>  "we  shall  all  find  that 

only  too  easy."  He  's  an  absurd  boy. 
I  'm  up  to  the  eyes  in  preparations. 
The  best  of  a  far-oil  period  is  that  one 
has  quite  a  free  hand  as  to  costume. 
The  triumphal  cnr  is  [,  and 

I  'm  choosing  my  Uritish  courtiers 
and  Roman  captives.  1  never  felt  so 
happy  about  anything. 

Miss  .IKKMYN  was  married  on  Tues- 
day. The  old  dear  evidently  thought 
"Better  late  than  never."  She's 
one  of  the  best,  and  a  big  crowd  of  us 
went  to  St.  Agatha's  to  give  her  a 
shove  off.  The  bridegroom,  General 
DODDERIDGR,  is  enormously  old  (he 
was  in  the  charge  at  Baluklava,  or  the 
Old  Guard  at  Waterloo,  or  something) 
and  didn't  seem  unite  to  know  what 
they  were  doing  with  him;  but  the 
wedding  went  with  u  roar.  Tin- 
bride,  who  looked  delightfully  ugly, 
was  married  in  her  racing  colours, 
and  a  deliriously  original  bridesmaid 
waited  modestly  for  her  in  the  porch 
— her  celebrated  filly  (lin-'iin- 
beans,  in  a  big,  white  sash,  with  a 
posy  of  orange-blossom  tied  round 
her  neck.  Isn't  that  lovely? 
Toujoura  u  toi, 

DuUtCHB. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THK  American  memento  c:aze  is  being 
taken  up  by  our  own  countrymen.  On 
the  occasion  of  the  King's  Garden 
Tarty  a  number  of  distinguished  guests 
lost  valuable  watches  in  the  crush  at 
the  station. 


*  * 


"War,"  says  nn  eminent  military 
man,  "will  not  be  almli.shed  until 
something  is  invented  so  deadly  as  to 
make  it  impossible."  Hut  DOOM  any 
thing,  we  would  ask,  be  more  deadly 
than  the  War  Office  V 


*  * 
* 


News  of  the  wild  Mate  of  excitement 
prevailing  in  every  ]>art  of  the  country 
in  regard  to  the  BesobltMa  aguin.-t  the 
House  of  I/jrds  has  been  crowded  out 
of  all  our 


*  * 


"I  know  of  ni i  wiser  maxim  of 
behaviour  than  '  I/>ve  me,  a:nl  tell  me 
so,'"  said  Mr.  Unmm.  at  the  Pilgrim*' 
luncheon  to  MARK  TWAIN-.  Irish  paj  ers 

I  11  >py. 


*  * 


"City  Clerk"  writes  to  point  out  a 
simple  means  by  which  employers  may 


JULY  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


escape  liability  under  the  new  Compen- 
sation Act.  >  The  Act  only  applies  to 
persons  receiving  a  salary  of  less  than 
£250  a  year.  A  word  is  enough  for  the 

•wise.  „,  ^ 

* 

Intense  satisfaction  is  expressed  in 
canine  circles  at  the  news  that  the 
President  of  the  Board  of  Agriculture 
has  at  last  appointed  a  Committee  of 
distinguished  medical  men  with  a  view 
to  discovering  a  preventive  for  distemper. 
By  this  step  the  Government  has  done 
much  to  recover  the  popularity  which 
they  lost  over  the  Dogs  Act.  It  is  hoped 
that  even  if  no  preventive  can  be  dis- 
covered means  will  be  found  to  put  a 
stop  to  the  immunity  of  cats  from  the 
disease.  „,  + 

The  dairymen  are  indignant  at  the 
"Had  Milk  "  campaign  which  has  been 
ftartcd  against  them.  They  declare 
that  tho  matters  complained  of  are 
not  the  fault  of  the  milk  but  of  the 
impurity  of  our  water  supply. 

A  wonderful  cricketing  feat  seems  to 
have  escaped  the  notice  of  all  the 
newspapers  except  our  good  friend  The 
]><iili/  Ncie.t.  "Notts,"  says  our  ent?r- 
prising  little  contemporary,  "  defeated 
Northamptonshire,  Leicestershire  (twice), 

and  Essex  all  in  two  days." 

*  * 

In  view  of  the  decision  to  which  the 
L.C.C.  came  last  week  an  old  lady 
writes  to  say  that  she  hopes  wo  shall 
not  have  the  disgusting  spectacle  of 
Living  Statues  begging  in  the  streets. 

It  is  reported  that  a  liner  is  to  be 
built  a  foot  longer  than  the  last  Cunarder. 
Once  more  we  ask,  Why  not  build  one 
which  will  reach  from  England  to 
America?  ^  + 

* 

Close  on  the  news  that  some  valuable 
jewellery  has  been  returned  to  its  owner 
by  a  burglar  comes  a  report  that  the 
GERMAN  EMPEROR  is  contemplating  the 

restoration  of  Kiao  Chau  to  China. 

*  * 

Autres  pays,  autres  mccurs.  The 
band  of  the  Coldstream  Guards  has 
l>een  feted  at  Boulogne.  Dispatches 
from  Adrianople  report  that  a  Bulgarian 
band  of  six  men  has  been  destroyed 
by  Turkish  troops.  The  Concert  of 
Europe  is  not  yet  perfect. 

It  is  refreshing  to  find  that  classical 
study  is  not  neglected  by  the  modern 
newspaper  man.  The  Daily  News  in- 
formed its  readers  that  the  stolen  Ascot 
Cup  was  "oviform  or  egg-shaped." 

The  L.C.C.  steamboats  have  been 
attracting  fewer  customers  than  ever, 
and  it  is  suggested  that  with  a  view  to 


THE    RETORT    COURTEOUS.' 


Old  Cabdriver  (at  the  end  of  a  somewhat  heated  argument).  "I  KNOW  WOT'S^THE   HITTER 

WITH  YOU— THE  WIND'S  DOT   IS  THAT   'OLE   HJ  TER   'BAD   AND  SET  TEE  TONOCE  W  AGO  111'." 


obtaining  more  passengers  the  fact  that 
there  is  no  crowding  on  these  boats 
shall  be  advertised. 

y 

A.  correspondent  has  written  to  The 
Times  begging  that  dogs  may  be  allowed 
to  travel  on  the  Tubes.  The  shape  of 
these  new  tunnels  would  certainly  seem 
to  be  especially  adapted  to  the  con- 
venience of  dachshunds. 


How  to  Brighten  Cricket. 
The    New  Method    of    Scoring,   with 
•personal  notes  on  each  player: — 

"  Mr.  O.  G.  Napier,  no  tout  10." — Daily  Mail. 

Old  Metaph.O'8  brought  up-to-date. 
"Tm:  speaker  maintained  that  Friday's  | 
ceremony  was  to  be  the  pill  which  was 
to  gild  over  the  rotten  fabric." — Jersey  \ 
Evening  Post. 


BOYS,  as  is  well  known,  will  eat  any- 
thing ;  but  this  from  the  prospectus  of 
the  "Secondary  Schools  Camp"  sur- 
prises us  a  little: — 

"There  will  be  a  well-supplied  canteen 
where  wholesome  delicacies  beloved  of  boys  — 
bootlaces,  bathing  drawers,  bicycle  oil,Ac.,<Sc., 
—  can  be  purchased  at  reasonable  prices." 

Meteorological  Note. 

"  On  the  other  side  of  the  line  a  youthful  bats- 
man of  sixteen  summers  was  engaged  in  making 
a  name  for  himself.  .  .  Hill  was  at  that  time 
18  years  old." — Captain.  \ 

HE  seems  to  have  missed  a  brace  of 
summers.  Probably  in  England. 

THE  striking  success  of  Sir  HIIXISY 
CAMPBELL-BAXNEHUAN'S  motion  has  not 
been  without  its  effect  abroad.  We  read 
in  The  Standard  that  :— 

"  According  to  a  correspondent  of  El  Liberal, 
a  resolution  in  Portugal  is  imminent." 


ITNVII.   ni:   TIIK   LONDON    <  HAUVAKI. 


,  3,  1907. 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 
AMOXOST  those  who  render  ;  I  di-pl..y  .-» 

otrupauon',  the  Boatmen  of  our  .  '»<>st 

always  have  a  conspicaoas  and  an  houourd.l 

,-c  in  Uie  courso  of  «e  of 

life  devoted  to  oarsmanship  to  meet  many  of  these  Boatmen 

i    .          •  •   •  •  • 

boats,  rasped  oars,  adjusted  stretcher*,  or  nit  height 

of  riggers.  Together  we  have  bunched  the  frail  shells  of 
';  are  known  as  racing  boats.  I  have  listened 
•  iciam  of  crews  snd  their  varied  memories  of  a  past 

which  always  outshone  in  its  brilliancy  the  feeble  glimmer  of 

the  shifting  present,  and  having  thus  passed  many  pleasant 

boors  in  their  company  I  am  qualified,  I  believe,  to  write  of 

them  as  they  deserve. 
Amongst  these  Boatmen  two  must  h.v  niche 

in  the  temple  of  aquatic  fame.    I  speak  of  the  kite  WIU.IAV 

AsnZY,  who  for  innumerable  years 

acted  ss  Boatman  to  the  Cambridge 

University   Bast  Club,  and  > 

Tim,  who  is  still,  as  it  were,  the 

living  embodiment  of  all  that  a  Boat- 
man t  I'liivcrsity   Hoot 

Club  could  ever  hope  to  bo.     .v 

first  n  !    have  twice 

fulfilled    the    gruwlf     moiialit    erri 
which  the  lii  man  historian 

speaks.  .  Indeed,  it    is  close  upon 

thirty-three  years  since  I    first  set 

eyes  upon  bis  pleasant  face,  as  he 

went   about  his  work   in   the   yard 

adjoining  the  poor  shed   in  which 

the  Cambridge  Club  then  housed  its 

boats.      He  wore  a  light-blue  ribbon 

round  bin   battered   straw   hat,  and 

freshmen  looked  upon  him  with  an 

awe  for  which  his  genial  manners  and 

his  affable  address  gave   but   little 

warrant    Later  on  I  came  to  know 

hint  well,  and,  though  reverence  per- 
haps diminished,   affection   certainly 

incresMiti  in  the  process.     I  do  uot 

think  be  had  ever  been  very 

Imagination   indeed  could  not 


conceive  him  other  than  be  was,  and 

age     ss    it    advanced    seemed    to 

make    no    difference    to  him.      He 

could    always    combine    two    appa- 

rently  contradictory  articles  of  belief,  for  he 

that    the  men   and  the   crews  of    the    past  were 

be  equalktl.  and  he  wan   at  the  name  time  fundamentally 


CALWAY. 
Stum  nor  eras  THE  ou>»  or  TOUR  GOING. 


was  convinced 
past  were  not  to 
ime 

v  with  which  lie  happened  at  the 
moment  to  be  engaged  wa*  in  material  and  in  capacity  fur 
performance  the  very  best  that  had  ever  sat  in  a  bar 
was  bred  snd  born  in  Cambridge,  and  it  was  said  of  him 
that  in  the  course  of  a  youth,  the  existence  of  which  I  have 
presumed  to  doubt,  he  had  U  i.  inan  .,f  his  temper 

and  a  ready  man  uf  his  hands.  He  neither  denied  n<>r  did 
he  admit  the  impeachment  that  he  had  once  knocked  down 
a  brawling  opponent  and  had  Uvn  compelled  to  suffer 
(pecuniarily,  but  not,  I  think,  in  hia  liberty)  as  a  conseq- 
Certainly  when  I  knew  him  there  was  about  him  a  sunny 
snd  unchaning  good  hnmotir  which  endear.-.!  him  both  to 


those  whom  be  served  and  to  all  hi-  colleagues  in  the  many 
boatyards  of  the  sluggish  Cam.    He  was  the  most  c  1 
msn  I  ever  saw. 

workmai  job  ever  came 

amiss  to  him.    If  !>•  h.id  been  asked  to  nine  every  sent  and 


to  d>  prrsa  every  rigger  r 

would  have  •  •        task  with   unquestioning  alacrity 

and  aw-'ired    punctuality.      H.id   1.'  :  range 

•      i  r-t  through  the 

w.itcr   lie  might  in   wonder,  but   it  would   not 

him   to  doubt  the  wisdom  of  th. 
ler.     He  himself  was  a  : 
uld  scud  a  scullii  long.     I' 

the  proudest  memories  of  his  later  life  that  he  had  < 
the  early  eighties,  been  inatcl  •  'I   his  old  friend   and 

ri\.il  'I  ;^m   Putney  to  Chiswick  during  the  practice 

of   the   two    l'ni\cr>ity   crews.     The    vetera:  ;    their 

boats  in  gallant  style  and  started  with  great  determination. 
TOM  made  the  pace  at  first,  but  !'•  up  to  him 

->od  him.  and  finally  secured  a  vi. 

bulk  and  rotundity  of  the  Oxford  man.  The  defeat  of  the 
Cambridge  crew  a  few  days  later,  while  it  consoled  TO". 
plunged  HIM.  into  an  abyss  of  depression. 

i.x  is  dead,  but  Ton  TIMS  still  lives,  and  duly  performs 
the  arduous  duties  of  his  p»t.  The 
death  of  A>  'ly  amvtcd  him. 

When  he  heard  of  it  he  wa.-.  suffer- 
ing from  illness,  and  I  have  heard 
him  say  that  tin-  1  to 

him  to  carry  a  warning  that  1 
end  was  at  hand.  "  I  thought,"  he 
said,  "that  my  call  had  come  when 
I  heard  that  poor  old  HIM.  was  gone." 
Fortunately,  however,  though  many 
years  have  passed.  !  11  hale 

and  vigorous.  lie  has  scon  count 
less  generations  of  rowing  men  follow 
one  another  upon  the  |-is.  but  he 
has  never  been  known  to  forget  a 
face  even  long  after  its  owner 
had  put  off  the  joyousness  and  the 
Ix'ardlessness  of  youth,  and  had 
assumed  instead  the  whiskers  and 
the  baldness  of  middle  age.  To 
every  President  in  turn  he  has  com- 
municated his  patent  plan  for  win- 
ning, or  going  as  near  as  may  be 
to  winning,  the  toes  for  stations 
immediately  before  tin-  Putney  race. 
"Don't  you  call.  Sir,"  he  has  been 
heard  to  say, 
Heads  and  it 
you're  done.  ] 
then  if  he  calls 
up  Heads,  where 


for    if    \.  ii     call 
turn      up      Tails 
el    him    call,    and 
Tails   and  it  turns 
he?"      He  is 


s 


impressed  with   the  l>elief  that  the   fact  of  calling  halxe.- a 
man's  power  of  choice,  and   thus   places  him   in  an  inferior 
position  in  respect  of  the  coin.     One  other  function  I 
accomplishes  with  great  regularity.     He  ma;. 
ously  blowing  air  through  an    india  rubber   tube    into   the 
canvassed  bows  of  the  boat  just  before  she  is  launched  f..r 
the  race.     Thus  he  renders    her  more    buoyant.      A-   ln> 
justly  observes,  the  Oxford  eight  has  in-\er  sunk  in  th. 

Jn  the  O.U.B.C.  Barge  at  Oxford  m.i\  be  Men  a  tiny  little 
/epliyr,  religiously  preserved  against  the  attacks  of  time  and 
the  washerwoman.  Far  back  in  the  p.i-t  .enturyit  clothed 

the  boyish  chest  of  TlllS.      It  is  a  pleasant   pastime  to  com], an- 
il with  the  massive  bulk  to  which  that  che-t  has  now  attained. 
^  el,  whatever  else  about  him   may  have  changed,  the   spirits 
and   the   faith   of    the   man   are  still   tho-o  of  a    boy.      Long 
is  hm.  and  loyal  devotion  to  theclub  that  employs  him. 
the  friendship  of  all  those  to  whom  at  one  time  or 
lias  ministered.     Long  may  he  live  to  enjoy  it, 
li  other  rewards  as  a  life  well   spent   in   the   handling 
iy  afford  him. 


' 


JULY  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Facetious  Youth.  "  I  FEEL  IT  MY  DUTY  TO  WARN  YOU  THAT  THERE  's  A  POLICE  TRAP  BOUND  THE  COHNEIJ  ! " 


THE  CHILD'S  GARDENING  ALPHABET. 

"  A  "  stands  for  Asking  for  things. 
It  "s  what  Mamma  does  when  she 
goes  to  tea  with  people. 

"  B  "  is  Bulbs.  They  are  silly 
things  to  have.  The  hyacinth  bed  « 
spoilt  for  good  because  I  tumbled  into 
it. 

"  C  "  is  Cuttings.  You  stick  in  bits 
of  anything  you  can  get,  and  some- 
times they  grow.  1  've  planted  three 
of  Mamma's  hat-pins. 

"  I)  "  is  the  Dead  things.  They've 
got  a  churchyard  in  the  rubbish-heap. 

"  E  "  stands  for  Earth.  There  's 
nothing  nicer  than  a  bit  of  Earth  if 
you  can  do  what  you  like  in  it.  When 
all  the  rest  of  my  plants  are  dead,  I 
shall  turn  my  garden  into  a  fish-pond. 

"  F  "  is  all  the  names  she  Forgets. 
Aunt  JANE  has  proper  labels. 

"  G  "  stands  for  Gnats.  They  sit 
on  your  face  and  bite  it,  when  they 
know  both  your  hands  are  earthy. 

"  H  "  is  the  Hare  who  ate  all  the 
carnations  in  one  night.  We  ate  him. 

"  I  "  is  Me.  But  I  only  care  for 
my  own  garden. 


"  J  "  stands  for  JONES.  He  says 
'tis  a  hard  thing  to  have  to  do  what 
anybody  tells  you  when  you  know 
'tis  all  wrong. 

"  K  "  is  our  Kitten.  He  's  asleep 
on  a  pan  of  seedlings. 

"  L  "  stands  for  Lists.  They  get 
lost. 

"  M  "  is  Manure.  Nurse  says 
"tisn't  fit  for  a  little  gentleman  to  talk 
about.  But  Mamma  docs. 

"  N  "  is  her  Notes  about  pruning. 
JONES  doesn't  hold  with  them. 

"  O  "  is  her  Old  skirt.  She  can't 
do  much  gardening  without  that. 
LANE  has  to  dry  it  in  the  dining-room 
when  it  's  dirty  because  Cook  calls  it 
a  disgrace  to  the  kitchen. 

"  P  "  stands  for  Planting  out.  I 
always  want  to  get  on  their  backs. 

"  Q  " — that  's  Quassia  chips.  It 
makes  soup  to  kill  the  greenfly  on  the 
roses. 

"  11  "  is  Ilain.  The  garden  always 
wants  it.  I  never  do. 

"  S  "  stands  for  Slugs.  Mamma 
hates  them.  I  found  a  big  spotty  one 
yesterday. 

"  T  "  is  Tying  up.     That  's  a  thing 


that  must  be  done.  JONES  throws 
away  the  plants  he  treads  on.  When 
it  's  Mamma  she  pats  them  about  a 
little  and  hopes  they  "11  forget  it. 
But  her  feet  are  smaller,  even  in 
goloshes. 

"  U  "  stands  for  Untidy.  That  'B 
what  JONES'S  friend  said  about 
Mamma's  border.  So  I  put  some 
worms  into  his  Sunday  gloves. 

"  V  "  stands  for  Various.  It  means 
that  you  don't  know. 

"  W  "  is  Weeds.  Mamma  is 
always  hoeing  thorn.  Last  time  she 
hoed  she  broke  off  six  verbenas. 

"  X  "  is  Xan-tho-cer-as.  That  's 
one  of  the  names  she  forgets. 

"  Y  "  stands  for  Yuccas.  They  do 
prick  so ! 

"Z"  is  the  end.  But  there's 
never  any  end  to  Gardening. 

To  a  Distant  Despot. 
THERE  once  was  a  cricketing  Prince 
Who    mashed    all    the    bowling    to 

mince. 

He  achieved  a  grand  slam 
By  becoming  a  Jam, 
But  he  hasn't  scored  anything  since. 


10 


1TNVH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Jt-LT  3,  1907. 


OUR    SCHOOL-QIRLS. 

Anriou*  TtaujtUr  (to  jarrnl  flayiity  in  thf  Father*  ma!.-',     "  0  <-.'r  FORGET,  FATIIF.B,  To  STIXD  wm.  in  FROST  or  THE  WICKFT,  r 
ir  ioc  an  OCT  rt>«  *  pecs  LK  urou  rr  WUX'T  UX>K  er/ri  so  »AD  OH  TOE  (CORE-BOOK  ! " 


THE  CRY  OF  THE  RUSSIAN  CHILDREN. 

A  uTm  from  Dr.  KEXXAKD  announces 
that  the  "  Punch  "  Kitchens  in  Samara 
and  Ufa  are  supplying  food  daily  to  700 
poor  children,  and  that  Count  Perot 
TOUTOT  is  about  to  provide  aasiatanoe 
lnrwTcralhumln-lim.lv.  The"  Punch" 
Fund  has  readied  the  KIIIII  of  £1,100. 
Further  donations  will  be  gratefully 
received  by  Messrs.  BUDKRY  AXD  Aoxnr, 
"  Punch  "6fficr.  I«>.  lfc.m.-ri.-Sinv 
A  Mtnnd  list  of  contributors  trill  shortly 
appear  in  these  pages. 

HUM.  rin.  NT  Mi<;irr. 


•h   «rlT»n«Udf»MB«i   to  as   attic)*    in 
Tkf  \afM«.  iMpirtd  by  •  renal  piUiartioa 
•rtMbd    •  fh.  Joy  of    U»  B«rn  fferaio. 
•danuu  bu  plm  with  m»nr  ncXf  «orUiy 
BMOU.  Mr.  Fusa*  Torao  clum*  lor  Iks 
•  kia*Up  of  Iks  toad.  «bieh  -  i*  in  iu 
a  ----  *  ---- 


I  AM  the  Lord  of  the  Road ; 

My  right  there  is  none  to  dispute ; 
All  flee  in  affright  when  I  Bash  into 
«gbt 

And  I  call  on  my  tooter  to  toot. 
The  cur  and  the  cat.  the  villager's  brat. 

The  waggoner  driving  hit  load, 


Ix;t  them  leave  the  way  clear  when  their 

monarch  comes  near ; 
I  am  the  Lord  of  the  Hoad. 

Mine  is  the  right  born  of  might ; 

With  a  dexterous  twist  of  the  wrist, 
I  call  on  tho  forces  of  four-score  brave 

horses 
To  bear  me  wherever  I  list. 

to  the   fouls   that  forget  my  wise 

rul>-s 

And  Kfcuxl  in  tin-  w:iy  of  niy  flight. 
Miu<-  luit  to  t.ioi     tlieire  but  to  new  it 
Mine  is  the  ri^'ht  burn  of  might. 

Yet,  though  my  sway  o'er  man  and 

brute 
Is  absolute 
Beyond  dispute. 

Each  thought  engeml'  f  •!  in  my  mind 
Unbiassed  candour  still  must  Ir.  1 
Beneficently  wise  and  kind. 


Time  was  the  buy  clerk  awheel 

Would  hurry  from  his  desk, 
And  bolt  the  insufficient  meal 

To  seek  the  picturesque. 
By  sunn  v  field  and  Kentish  weald 

The  idle  prentice  wandered, 
And  at  tho  "Xag"  or  "Rdd-fiutxl  B 

Hi*  meagre  pence  he 


Hut  him  /  'in  hustling  to  the  ditch. 
Why  should  these  paupers  ape  the  rich? 
I  lll  cure  them  of  their  y.eal  to  roam, 
And  set   them  singing,   "Home,  E 
Home." 

N'or  has  my  kindly  heart  forgot 

The  children  of  the  p.- 
It  has  been  mine  to  make  their  lot 

More  wholesome  and  secure. 
The  urchins,  \vlin  like  U-rrie-.  ^re\v 

In  every  lane  and  highway. 
yet  call  fi>r  hat  and  liall 

Nor  play  al-iiit  in  my  way  ; 
Hut,  safe  from  dangers  they  iiiifjhl 

And  Kul  companions  of  the  .-• 

Itoiiealli  a  iiinthi>r's  living  e. 

-Mi«l  home's  sweet  inlluence  they  ri.-e. 

Ami  if  it  happen  now  and  then    - 
A-  happen  well  it  may 

;,'led  men 

.Id  lilundi  r  in  my  | 
My  tender  lirea.-t  is  quite  di-tre.-«cd 

•  ink  that  I  'vu  IH.VII  Billing 
A  lirit' ni's  lihxnl  among  the  mud 
I  have  no  lust  for  killing. 

•nay  be  the  man — 
Clerk,  butcher,  kiker,  artisan — 
My  jlways  sends 

A  tactful  letter  to  his  friends. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JULY  3,  1907. 


SELF-TREATMENT  PEEFEEEED. 

SURGEON  C.-B.  "  A  VERY  BAD  CASE.    I   SEE  NOTHING  FOR  IT  BUT  AN  OPERATION." 
His  LORDSHIP.  "  VERY  KIND  OF  YOU,  I  'M  SURE,  TO  OFFER  YOUR  SERVICES ;   BUT  I  THOUGHT 
OF  TAKING  A  LITTLE  PRESCRIPTION  OF  MY  OWN." 

[The  Lords  have  appointed  a  Committee  to  consider  the  best  means  of  reforming  their  own  House.     Lord  ROSEBERY  is  its  Chairman.] 


JULY  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

//uii.sr  o/  Commons,  Monday,  June  L'l. 
— Once  more  the  Chamber  filled  from 
floor  to  topmost  bench  of  Strangers' 
Gallery.  The  Peers  throng  their  pen 
over  the  clock,  studiously  looking  as  if 
matter  at  issue  concerned  someone  else. 
When  questions  fairly  under  way, 
PIIKMIER  entered,  carrying  the  red  des- 
patch-box of  a  blameless  life. 

At  outset  Viscount  TURNOUR 
attempted  to  turn  aside  the 
drift  of  interest.  Making  his 
way  down  to  House,  observed 
a  flag  pole  upright  on  new 
War  Office  building.  His 
massive  mind  moved  to  pro- 
foundest  depths.  A  flag  pole, 
why  a  flag  pole  ?  Never  has 
there  been  such  flood  of  human 
perplexity  since  King  GEORGE 
marvelled  how  the  apple  got 
into  the  dumpling. 

In  tempting  row  the  naked  dump- 
lings lay, 

When  lo!  the  monarch,  in  his 
usual  way, 

Like  lightning  spoke:  "  What's 
this? 

What's  this?    What?     What?" 


Noble  Lord  hurried  on  to 
House  ;  sat  fidgeting  till  other 
questions  of  lesser  interest 
disposed  of.  All  the  while 
his  eyes  fastened  on  well-fed 
figure  of  Our  Only  War  Min- 
ister. N.  B.  II.  evidently 
uneasy  under  supervision.  If 
he  could  have  decently  and 
safely  beaten  retreat  he  would 
have  withdrawn  from  the 
range  of  those  glowing  orbs. 
Impossible.  The  Viscount, 
seizing  his  opportunity,  leaped 
to  his  feet  and  put  the 
question. 

"I  beg  to  ask  the  right 
hon.  gentleman  for  what 
reason  has  a  flag  polo  liceu 
envied  on  the  new  War 
Office  buildings?" 


C.-B.  greeted  with  burst  of  cheering 
from  Ministerialists  when  he  rose  to  move 
his  resolution  embodying  the  principle 
that, where  on  legislative  matters  opinions 
of  Lords  and  Commons  clash,  decision  of 
Litter  shall  prevail.  Spirits  fell  when 
discovery  was  made  of  fact  that,  recur- 
ring to  former  manner  happily  abandoned 
of  late,  he  had  written  out  speech  and 
proposed  to  read  it.  This  he  did  at 
length  of  full  hour.  An  excellent  essay, 
closely  reasoned,  admirably  phrased. 


OFFICIATING  AT  A  GUILLOTIXE  IN  PALACE  YAI;D. 


Mr.  lialfour  paid  him  the  doubtful  compliment  of  comparing  him 

"  For  the  purpose  of  flvinff    '°  one  °'  "ie  mos'  odious  and  sanguinary  of  the  statesmen  of  the 
flag,"     N.    B     H.     meekly    French  Terror." 


answered. 

TURNOUR  momentarily  abashed.  Never 
thought  of  that.  When  stated  seemed 
simple  enough,  almost  obvious.  All 
the  same  there  must  be  something  be- 
hind it ;  some  deep  design  affecting 
Church  or  Rents  or  other  fundamental 
interest  of  Empire.  Must  talk  it  over 
with  Captain  CRAIG.  Gallant  Member  not 
in  his  place  at  the  moment.  Preparing 
a  few  questions  for  consideration  of  ST. 
AUGUSTINE.  Meanwhile  something  done 
in  direction  of  focussing  public  attention 
on  this  exceedingly  suspicious  circum- 
stance in  connection  with  new  Wa.r  Office. 


(The  Attorney-General.) 

But  crowded  audience  would  have  spared 
something  of  its  perfectness  for  the 
inspiration  of  appearance  of  spontaneity. 
Nevertheless  the  points  of  attack  were 
quickly  taken  up  by  Ministerialists  and 
driven  home  with  thunderous  cheers. 

Contrast  between  two  styles  of  debat- 
ing sharply  marked  when  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
followed.  Happily  for  him  and  audience, 
he  had  no  time  for  preparation.  No 


that  lay  on  the  Table  before  him.  The 
latent  personal  antipathy  of  the  two 
statesmen,  which  had  its  growl li  during 
bitter  controversy  round  Hoer  War, 
flashed  forth.  C.-B.  seized  occasion  to 
repeat  his  charge  against  Ix?ader  of 
Opposition  of  inciting  the  Peers  to 
trample  on  decisions  of  Commons. 

"Neither     PEEL    nor    I>isit\i:i.i,"    he 
insisted    amid    clamorous  cheers   from 
Ministerialists,  "  would  have  committed 
what  I  can  only  call  the  treachery  of 
openly  calling  on   the  other 
House  to  over-ride  this  House." 
"The    right    hon.    gentle- 
man," quietly  observed  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  when  his  turn  came, 
"  has  an  extraordinary  gift  of 
using  language  the  violence 
of    which    is   strangely    dis- 
proportionate  to  the  effect  it 
produces." 

For  icy  contempt,  infinite 
scorn,  this  hard  to  beat. 

Business  done. — Resolution 
declaring  the  Commons  pre- 
dominant partner  in  legislative 
business  brought  in. 

House  of  Ijords,  Tuesday. 
— Something  nobly  pathetic 
in  conduct  of  Peers.  Along 
the  corridor,  across  the  Cen- 
tral Lobby,  the  Commons  are 
occupying  a  second  night  with 
deliberatcpreparation  fordepo- 
sing  them  from  their  high  es- 
tate. C.-B.  with  characteristic 
suavity  submits  a  Resolution 
giving  them  warning  that 
by-and-by,  at  some  indefinite 
period,  they  will  find  them- 
selves tied  and  bound  and 
powerless.  Labour  Members, 
impatient  of  these  circumlo- 
cutory ways,  move  amendment 
demanding  instant  abolition 
of  Hereditary  Chamber.  Ig- 
noring all  this,  noble  Lords  set 
themselves  to  consider  t  lie  new 
Army  Scheme.  Unconscious  of 
their  doom,  they,  like  little 
children,  play  at  soldiering. 

PORTSMOUTH  moves  wvond 
reading  of  Bill  witli  particu- 
larity of  detail  that  leaves  no- 
thing to  be  desired.  It  may 
rumoured,  that  the  Commons 
spent  greater  part  of  three 


be,  as 
have 


i  • 


months  in  discussing  it.  Newspapers 
have  provided  columns  of  report  of  the 
proceedings.  That  may  be  so.  House 
of  Lords  knows  nothing  of  any  measure 
until  it  has  been  dealt  with  by  its  own 
printer,  circulated  by  its  own  messengers. 
These  preliminaries  just  accomplished, 
it  listens  to-night  with  polite  interot 


faint  flavour  of  the  lamp  hung  about  his  j  whilst   UNDER   SECRETARY  FOR   WAR   ex- 
pungent  criticism.     A  note  or  two  jotted 


down  on  the  familiar  half-sheet  of  note- 
|iaper  as  C,-B.  pounded  along  was  all 


pounds  clauses  of  measure  with 
freshness  of  manner,  a  minuteness 
detail,  suggestive  of  absolute  novelty. 


II 


rrxcn,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CIIARIYAKI. 


[JILT  3,  1907. 


Viscount  Mmnov  (who 
in  face,  figure  and  voice 
singularly  recaDa  8r.  Jons 
Pn-onant,  long  time  with 
the  Commona)  eums  up  situa- 
tion in  single  sentence.  Look- 
ing back  through  interval 
elapsed  since  NAfotavx  U. 
ILuaun  took  the  field,  he 
remarked.  "I  cannot  help 
wishing  that  the  country  had 
been  enjoying  a  little  leaa 
acheme  and  a  little  more 
Army.- 

lfc*a*,afaU-il  on  Front  Bench, 
looked  up  with  twinkling  eye. 
Over  his  mind  flnfhfd  mem- 
ories of  an  epoch  running 
through  first  three  years  of 
new  century  when  month  after 
month,  session  after  evasion, 
there  waa  debated  in  Parlia- 
ment a  costly  Army  Schema 
through  which  man-lied  and 
counter  -  mart-bed  Six  Army 
Corps,  presently,  like  the 
fabled  army  that  beleaguered 
Prague,  to  disappear  wit'.i 
•ttfledstep. 

DOT*.  ll»  broad  rwKtj  fat  and  far 
Tbstraabbjd  sniffed; 

t'p  rov  tte  c?orioM  morning  *^*» ; 
TD>  fbssdjr  boot  wm»  diisd. 

Later  in  Silting.  X.  It.  II.. 
standing  by  steps  of  Throne 


A*  IDCAL  Lnrnrncxr  rot  rrrmo  DOW»  RIVOLCTKW. 


embark  upon  a  great  war  at 
the  cost  of  XL'.'.O.UOO.OOO. 

"  With  the  approval  of 
aomcof  your  colleagues,"  said 
. 

Across    the    Table    f!. 
tl.e  tierce  retort  :     "  A]  ; 
obtained    on  false  statements 
of  facts." 

Tumultuous  cheers  of  Min- 
i  by  groans 

:  ii'l  shouts  of  "  Withdraw  !  " 
Coi.T.KiT.  rising  on  the  whirl- 
wind, tried  to  direct  the 

its   he  and 

I'liEst!';  BT  Ol  I'-.\i:i-  OK  THAI*. 
in  defiance  of  elementary 
regulation  of  ()rder,  remained 
on  their  fc.-t.  storm  of  cheers 
and  counter  cheers  rising  and 
falling.  When  silence  re-tored, 
I.i"U  ~nibl>orn]y  de- 

clined to  withdraw. 

"  I  made  those  statements 
when  I  had  to  face  much 
more  dangerous  persons  than 
confront  me  to-day."  This 
with  contemptuous  wave  of 
hand  towards  ex-Ministers  and 
J'rivv  Councillors  on  1  nit 
Opposition  Ilcnrh.  "1  \\ill 
not  withdraw  them  now  when, 
after  fiva  years,  they  have 
been  justified." 

After    this    quite    a    mild 


--_ ^ admit    tliatl 

hi«  Army  acheme  aa  it  passed  the 
Commons  had  aome  features  of  dis- 
tinct advantage.  "In  aome  respects  it 
is  in  advance  of  anything  we  hive 
had  before."  Still  it  was  faulty,  lack  ing' 
in  fundamental  principles  essential  to 
safety  of  Empire. 

Thus  the  Lords  talked  whilst  the  < 
none  chattered  about  bow,  by-ami  by, 
will "  give  them  a  good  hard  knock!" 

_juia«M    done.— Second    reading  of 
Army  Bill  moved  in  Lords.  In  Common*, 
labour  Members  propose  amendment  to 
.  ItcMolutiim.  demanding  immediate 
ahr*lition  of  Hereditary  Chamber. 

//onse  o/  Common*,  llV-i'm-.,/,--/  mid- 
»««*«.— Poaaeaaion  of  absolutely  'impar- 
tial mind  occasionally  leads  a  man  into 
singular  position.    To-night. « 
cleared  for  Division  on  C.-B.'s  " — ' 


At  opening  of  Sitting,  debate  momen- 
tarily touched  pitch  of  high  excitement, 
wound  tip  thereto  by  Ltovn-UKOUGE. 
Contrasting  |<os-.ihi)ity  of  evil  influence 
as  between  legislation  and  Administra- 
tion, he  pointed  out  how  through  a 
of  Litter  the  country  might  be  led  to 


tion,  Suux  kept  his  aeat,  remaining 
Ignoring  die  Ministerial 
zoning  him  into  the  "Ay" 
__,.  deaf  to  the  voice  of  AOJUCD- 
Hoo»  insisting  on  bis  voting  "No," 
the  Member  for  Belfast,  like  his  name, 
sake  Too  coming  round  Tottenham 
Corner  on  the  Derby  Day.  eat  tight. 
A  plague  OB  both  their  Houses.  Doesn't 
love  UM i  Lords,  but  is  not  dispoeed  to 
•well  Liberal  majority. 


'  WBO  SAID   '  OllDUll,   OlIDURS  '  ?  !  !  " 

(Mr.  O-ll-ir-y-W-r.) 


.i   in 

the  three  days'  debate,  I'IMM  K  Ai.-nn  i: 
had  dniwn  a  panillel  between  him  the 
AlTOIiXKy-CiENEBAL)  and  "one  of  the  inoct 

odious  statesmen  of  the  French  Terror." 

liuaineit   done.  —  C. -B.'s    liesolntion 

earrie<l    by   nearly  three   to   one.     For, 

against,  117,  Mr.  Sims  l.-okingon. 

The  Paris-Pekin  Race. 

Mr.    I'uncti'g   Representative,    who  is 

following  this  ,   L'O  h.  p.  emu, 

re|*orts  that  the  dilliciillies  encountered 
by  the  competiton  in  thedolii  . 

!...irt  breaking.  As  '/'/(,• 
graph  says:  "  No  human  U-ing  has 
ever  cnKtsed  thoec  regions  U'foie,  sa\e 
<|n  horseback,  on  camels,  or  on  foot." 
(The  remark  would  apply  equally  to  the 
I'-.n ler  writer's  n mm  in  the  ollice'of  The 
"l>li.  but  let  that  pass.)  tjucstioni-d 
which  was  tho  Paris  r«id,  the 
aliorigines  answered  evasively.  Prince 
!'•  >i:i. m>Kattri  tin  tesli  is  pnigress  to  having 
steadily  refused  to  drive  liis  car  along 
any  of  the  misleading  lines  of  latitude 
with  which  this  country  abounds.  He 
hopes  to  arrive  early  in  the  New  Year, 
a!x  nit  three  months  ahead  of  the  next  best. 

"Bi«hop«,   high-clan  (coloured),   2d.   e«ch ; 
12.  I«. ;  30  different,  2i."-Churrh  Timei. 
I  r  is  too  much. 


JULY  3,  1907.J 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


15 


MINISTERIAL  MINSTRELS. 

["There  are  several  of  Sir  HENRY  CAMPIIEI.I.- 
BAXNKUMAN'S  colleagues  who,  even  to  this  day," 
says  a  writer  in  Ca*wiTa  Saturday  Journal, 
"  would  be  quite  able,  if  the  need  nrose,  to 
contribute  an  agreeable  'turn'  to  an  evening's 
entertainment.  Lord  CREWE,  for  example,  still 
cultivates  a  pleasant  singing  voice,  and  Mr. 
HERBERT  GLADSTONE  often  goes  for  relaxation 
to  his  pianoforte."] 

Mr.  Punch  is  glad 
to  bo  able  to  state, 
as  the  result  of 
careful  inquiries 
conducted  at  great 
expense  and  per- 
sonal risk  by  one  of 
his  most  enterpris- 
ing representative  s, 
tliat  the  foregoing 
paragraph  gives  but 
a  meagre  and  per- 
functory account 
of  the  accomplish- 
ments of  our  lead- 
ing Ministerialists. 

Sir  HENRY  CAMP- 

IIEI.L-BANNERMAN 

until  recently  was 
a  constant  and  pro- 
fieient  performer 
on  the  Irish  harp, 
lnil  latterly  has  laid 
it  aside  in  order  to 
cultivate  the  Welsh 
variety,  in  which 
he  is  being  in- 
structed by  Mr. 
LLOYD-GEORGE.  He 
is  the  possessor  of  a 
sweet  baritone  voice, 
and  his  favourite 
song  at  the  moment 
is  "The  Flight  of 
the  Earls,"  which 
he  warbles  with 
passionate  intensity 
at  all  hours  of  the 
day  and  night. 

Lord  ELGIN  is  also 
a  pathetic  vocalist, 
and  few  profes- 
sionals can  surpass 
his  rendering  of  "  I 
/•'iviinit  I  dwelt  in 
Marble  Halls," 
which  he  delivers 
with  hereditary 
gusto.  In  the  in- 


"  turn,"  from  the  most  gradual  curve  to 
the  sharpest  somersault. 

Mr.    BIRREI.L    is    another    manysided 


performer  who  would  be  invaluable, 
did  his  engagements  permit,  at  charity 
concerts  and  penny  readings.  Latterly 
he  has  added  a  number  of  Irish  melodies 
to  his  extensive  repertory,  including 
"Sweet  liny  of  ])itblin,"  and  a  touching 
Roscommon  ditty  entitled,  "0  Mary,  <jo 


IV- 


STONE  once  wittily  remarked,  it  only 
quired  the  change  of  three  or  four  letters 
to  convert "  Morley  "  into  "  Lorelei."  Curi- 
ously enough,  when  a  boy  at  Cheltenham 
College,  he  was  renowned  for  his  singing 
of  that  stirring  song,  "  Hark  to  the 
Indian  drum,  the  foe  they  come,  they 
come,"  a  coincidence  to  which  Sir  HENHY 
COTTON  recently  called  Mr.  WILLIAM 
REDMOND'S  attention  during  an  all-night 
sitting. 

Mr.  HALDANE  has 
confessed  that  he 
prefers  SCHOPEN- 
HAUER to  CHOPIN, 
but  is  reputed  to 
be  a  better  singer 
than  Lord  MIDLETON. 
Mr.  SYDNEY  Bux- 
TON,  besides  being 
an  expert  angler 
and  shot,  ia  a 
brilliant  performer 
on  the  post-horn. 


OPENING  DAY  OF  THE  NEW  WORKMEN'S  COMPENSATION  ACT. 


tervals  of  business,  concerts  of  chamber 
music  are  frequently  given  at  the  Colonial 
Office,  at  which  Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL 
officiates  as  leader,  Lord  EI.CIN  proving 
a  thoroughly  capable  second  fiddle. 

Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL'S  versatility  is 
notorioiis.  His  skill  at  fencing  dates 
from  his  school  days,  and  no  public 
sen-ant  has  ever  been  able  to  rival  him 
in  the  "quick  change"  entertainment. 
In  short  he  is  at  home  in  every  sort  of 


and  drive  the  cattle  home."  He  also 
indulges  in  duets  with  Sir  ANTONY 
M  \ruiNXELL ;  but  their  voices  do  not 
blond  very  well  together,  the  timbre  of 
Sir  ANTONY'S  being  somewhat  pronounced 
and  strident,  while  Mr.  BIRUELL'S  organ 
approximates  to  the  coo  of  the  turtle- 
dove. 

Mr.  MORLEY  has  long  been  known  for 
his  devotion  to  music  and  has  a  charm- 
ing touch  on  the  pianola.  As  Mr.  UI.AD- 


A    TRAFFIC 
PROBLEM. 

[Tickets  —  railway, 
1ms  and  tram  —  have 
lieca  declared  to  be  a 
very  popular  medium 
for  the  conveyance  of 
disease.] 

SUMMONED  for 
travelling  without 
a  ticket,  a  railway 
passenger  has  ex- 
plained that  he  had 
a  delicate  wife  and 
family  and  dare 
not  risk  infec- 
tion. Summons 
dismissed. 

Bus  -  conductors 
are  to  be  compelled 
by  the  London 
County  Council  to 
wear  indiarubber 
gloves  and  respira- 
tors, recentstatistics 
having  proved  that 
75  per  cent,  of  the 
deaths  in  London 
occur  within  a  few 
weeks  after  riding 
in  a  public  convey- 
ance. All  tickets 
are  to  be  manu- 
factured of  cellu- 


loid and  kept  floating  in  aseptic  fluid. 
Mr.  UPTON  SINCLAIR  is  about  to  publish 
a  sensational  novel  entitled  The  Alarum 
Punch,  dealing  with  the  grossly  in- 
sanitary condition  of  tram-tickets. 


Wisdom  While  You  Wait. 

"  Sacristan— see  Sexton  .... 
"  Sexton  —  see     Scurietan."—  EarmsworCh't 
Enryclop&dia. 


PUNCH,  <>K  Till-:  LONDON 


f.Tn.v  3,  1907. 


THE  BOY    WHAT  WILL  HE  BECOME? 

,    .        •     •       ':.••..-.*  ••     • 

n*0ad»  «s*.fc*  bsisc  atfcaMd  to-TU 
IMIK^  Tfcs«r.  I^odoi.  *«•  aaemlfr  ds» 

U.w»d  at  U*  JW*  O«V»  ] 

A    FATHER'S   QOMTMM. 
DEAR    KIR, — I    have    just  read  in 
your  valuable  paper  that  a  boy  should 
lie  ear-marked  by  his  parents  at  an 
early  age  for  a  particular  occuj 
Would  you  kindly  tell  me  vhich  ear 
it  is  customary  so  to  mark,  and  also 
inform  me  where  I  can  procure  the 
necessary  tools  for  branding?— PRAC- 
TICAL KA'THER. 

WAXTED— A  SLEEPING  BERTH. 
SIR.— I  have  a  little  boy  aged  four 
months  (nearly),  and  with  a  view  to 
«.-ttling  his  future  career  I  have 
watching  him  narrowly,  as  sdvi 
vour  article,    to   find   out    in   which 
direction  his  tastes  lie.     As  far  as  I 
can  aee  he  delighta  in  doing  nothing 
all  day  long,  sleeping  being,  if  any- 
thing, his  pet  bobby.     Am  I  right,  I 
wonder,    in     supposing     that    he    is 
destined  to  fill  at  a  later  date  some 
high   position   in   the  War  Office?— 
ORSERVER. 

A  BLIGHTED  Lin. 

SIB.— When  I  was  a  small  boy  my 
parents  made  the  unfortunate  cxperi- 
it  of  watching  me  closely,  as 
minended  in  your  article.  I  am 
now  fifty -einht,  and  am  in  a  profes- 
sion or  trade— what  you  will — which 
absolutely  uncongenial.  When 
quite  a  youth  I  was  passionately  fond 
of  singing,  and  am  to  this  day  an 
excellent  mimic,  and  I  feel  certain 
that,  had  I  1  M  the  start  in 

life  which  1  desired.  I  should  now  be  a 
music-hall  star  of  the  first  magnitude. 
The  net  result  of  my  parents'  morbid 
curiosity  is  that  I  am  now  a  most  in- 
different undertaker,  and  all  because 
they  thought,  if  you  please,  that  the 
occupation  which  most  interested  me 
when  a  boy  was  that  of  burying  cats 
in  the  back-garden  '—A 


A  LORD  OF  CONVENTION. 
.KERBOHM  TREE  hti\ii!_'  just 

u'rd  class),  there  is  no  reason  why 

us  do  the 

.  mid  make  him  an  . 
I'.arl    of   Hayntarktt.     To    l.«nl 
llaymarl.  :«      like      a      good 

actor  against  Edu> 

. -ws  <•{  the  latest  (libson  Girl 
action.  Ho  docs  not  want  to  be 
called  as  a  witness ;  what  shall  he  do? 
"Escape  to  America."  b'ut, 

dear  old  chappie,  oue  doesn't  want 
to  get  mobbed.  You  Americans  are — 
haw,  haw — deuced  fond  of  a  title. 
What'.1  "  Brilliant  thought— take  vuj 
name.  CHARLES  I-'KOIIMAS."  Awfully 
rood  of  you,  old  fellow.  Sure  ymi 
don't  want  it?  Thanks  awfully.  I'll 


"  A 


TIIREI 


SIR.—  If  your  readers  will  take  my 

advice  they  will  see  that  • 

.     , 

anything  else.      1    have   three  tons 
who  are  practically  no  good  for  any- 
tiling    but    cri       •       ': 
headmaster  and  part  proprietor  of  n 


•••i  ••*»B     §"•  *  *     §*•  ».*a/ 1  s v  »vs     v  t     0 

prosperous  day-school  lor  the  sons  ol 

gentlemen;  another  is  only  an  editor, 
xingest,  I    am 

iroud  to  sav,  has  j 

udgo  in  a 

ion  inaiiffura 
Snit.     \ 


—•  -^^ 


Tkf  Earl  of  CarJ.wjtnn   .  .  ill.  C'TRII.  M.U  DE. 
Hit   !..nls!ii|>'«  cloUiM    «re   English.      The 
raiting*  in  tl*  lui-Lgnmnd  are  American. 

give  it  you  back  when  I've  finished 
with  it.     Ta-ta! 

That  gives  you  an  idea  of  the  veri- 
similitude of  Mr.  AiTii'STua  THOMAS'S 
new  comedy  at  The  Playhouse — The 
Karl  of  Pau-tuckrt  ("  comedy,"  you 
will  observe).  Mr.  CYRIL  MAI-DE  is 
the  noble  hero  /.orJ  Cardington,  with 
.  laugh,  '.ass  complete. 

Various  American  gentlemen  take  the 
American    parts.      Miss    AI.I  \\SMU 

«LK  is  the  heroine.  I- 
be  said  that  while  Mr.  M- 
the  stage  t  thing 

to  laugh  at ;  w  • 
the  stage,  always  something  t< 

i  little 

late  in  the  d.iy  (•  r  nil  those  ^raiul  old 
jokes    which    arise    v. '  take 

I    shall    pro- 

bably  sign  these  remarks  "An,1 
<   :  and  the  prelimiim: 

at  all  clc. 


of  her  meeting  with 

t  'ardingttm  on  tl;  •'>  heel 

is  the  dullctt  thii  r  lis- 

t<-  ill  a   tin  .,  >mchow   I 

ne\er  h:i\e  any  luck  with  American 
j.lays.  I  can't  think  how  it  is,  be- 
cause I  do  try.  An  I  I  lo\e  MARK 
TWAIN  and  AIUI:MI  s  WMIH  and  Mr. 
. 

(Hi,  hut  I  must  ju-4  incut 
thing.     One  of  the  ch.i  -  Mr. 

Hooper.     I  am  treiiieiidi.iisly  ^'lad  to 

rni-t  him  at  hi--' .      T"  l<.ok  at,  he 
was  not  quite   what    I   e\|iected.   and 
the  other  jieojile  referred  to  him  as 
a  brcii-cr.     But  of         •       I    . 
going  to  be  taken  in  by  that.       M. 


BACHELOR    DAYS. 

IV.       Til'     '  \RD. 

IT  was  the  landlord  who  first  called 
my  attention  to  the  cupboard  ;  I 
should  never  have  noticed  it  m\self. 

"  A   very  useful  cupboard 
there,"  he  said.     "  1  should  include 
that    ill    the    fixtir 

"  Indeed."  said  I,  not  at  all  sur- 
prised ;  for  the  idea  of  his  taking 
away  the  cupboard  had  nut  occurred 
to  n 

'  You  won't  find  many  rooms  in 
London  with  a  cupboard  like  that." 

"  I   BUJ)|Mis,-    !..,t."    I    said.        "Well, 

I  '11  let  you  have  my  decision  in  a 
few  days.  The  relit  with  the  cup- 
board, you  say,  is "  and  I  named 

the  price. 

with    the   cupboard." 
So  that  settled  the  great  cupboard 
question. 

Settled  it  so  far  as  it  concerned 
him.  For  me  it  was  only  the  be- 
ginning. In  tl..-  vear  that  fol! 

were  opened,  so  that  I 
learned  at  last  to  put  the  ri^ht  value 
upon  a  cupboard.  I  appreciate  now 
the  power  of  the  mind  which  con- 
ceived this  thing,  the  nobility  of  the 
jjrent  heart  which  included  it  among 
the  fixtures.  And  I  um  not  un- 
grateful. 

may  t--ll  a  iii-w  ly-mai  i  ;•  d  man 

by   the   way    he   talks  of   his  garden. 

The  pretence  is  that   b  i  hings 

verbenas    and    hviiiantifilums 

and  e:'  .  aiivlhiii  mds ; 

but  of   course   one   knows   that    what 

it    for  is  to  bury   in   it 

things  that    he  doesn't    want.      S..IIH- 

shall  have  a  rardeii  of  my  own, 

in  which  to  conduct  funerals  with  the 

•f  them  ;   until  that   d 
tent  myself  with   my  cupboard. 

It    is    marvellous    how    things    lie 

about  and  accumulate.     I'ntil  they 

arc   safely    in    the    cupboard,    we    are 

they   have  BO 

much  to  soy  and   they  put 


JCLT  3,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ir 


themselves  just  \\licre  you  want  to 
step,  and  sometimes  tlioy  fall  on  you. 
Vet  even  when  I  have  them  in  the 
cupboard  I  am  not  without  moments 
of  ivgret.  1'or  later  on  I  have  to 
open  it  to  introduce  companions,  and 
then  the  sight  of  some  old  friend  sad- 
dens rne  with  the  thought  of  what 
might  hnvo  been.  "  Oh,  and  I  did 
mean  to  hang  you  up  over  the  writing- 
desk,"  I  say  remorsefully. 

I  am  thinking  now  of  a  certain  pic- 
ture —  a  large  portrait  of  my  old 
headmaster.  It  lay  in  a  corner  for 
months,  waiting  to  be  framed,  getting 
more  dingy  and  dirty  every  day.  For 
the  first  few  weeks  I  said  to  myself, 
"  1  must  clean  that  before  I  send  it 
to  the  shop.  A  piece  of  bread  will  do 
it."  Later,  "  It  's  extraordinary  how 
clever  these  picture  people  are. 
You  'd  think  it  was  hopeless  now, 
but  I  'vo  no  doubt,  when  I  take  it 
round  to-morrow — 

A  month  after  that  somebody  trod 
on  it 

Now,  then,  I  ask  you— what  could 
I  do  with  it  but  put  it  in  the  cup- 
board? You  cannot  give  a  large 
photograph  of  a  headmaster,  bent 
across  the  waistcoat,  to  a  house- 
keeper, and  tell  her  that  you  have 
finished  with  it.  Nor  would  a  dust- 
man make  it  his  business  to  collect 
pedagogues  along  with  the  usual 
cabbage-stalk.  A  married  man  would 
have  buried  it  under  the  begonia ;  but 
having  no  garden  .  .  . 

That  is  my  difficulty.  For  a 
bachelor  in  chambers,  who  cannot 
bury,  there  should  be  some  other 
consuming  element  than  fire.  In  the 
winter  I  might  possibly  have  burnt  it 
in  small  quantities — Monday  the 
head,  Tuesday  the  watch-chain — but 
in  the  summer,  what  does  one  do  with 
it?  And  what  does  one  do  with  the 
thousands  of  other  things  which  have 
had  their  day — the  old  magazines, 
letters,  papers,  collars,  chair-legs, 
broken  cups?  You  may  say  that, 
with  the  co-operation  of  my  house- 
keeper,  a  firmer  line  could  be  adopted 
towards  some  of  them.  Perhaps  so; 
but,  alas !  she  is  a  willing  accessory  to 
my  weakness.  I  fancy  that  once,  a 
long  time  ago,  she  must  have  thrown 
away  a  priceless  MS.  in  an  old 
waistcoat;  now  she  takes  no  risks 
with  either.  In  principle  it  is  a  virtue. 
In  practice  I  think  I  would  chance  it. 

It  is  a  big  cupboard;  you  wouldn't 
find  many  rooms  in  London  with  a 
cupboard  like  that;  and  it  is  included 
in  the  fixtures.  Yet  in  the  ordinary 
way,  I  suppose,  I  could  not  go  on 
putting  things  in  for  ever.  One  day, 
however,  I  discovered  that  a  family 
of  mice  had  heard  of  it  too.  At  first , 
I  was  hprrifiecj.  Then.  I  saw  that  it  I 


Wealthy  Pork  Kiny  (jrospectite  buyer  of  old  Scotch  manor).  "  WAAL,  I  OCESS  TOE  PLACE  'l-L 
BCT  OLD  IIAN  HAME'S  ADVERTISEMENT  WILL  HAVE  TO  COME  DOWN." 


DO  BANO  CP. 


was  all  for  the  best ;  they  might  help 
me  to  get  rid  of  things.  In  a  week 
they  had  eaten  three  pages  of  a 
Nautical  Almanack  ;  interesting  pages 
which  would  be  of  real  help  to  a 
married  man  at  sea  who  wished  to 
find  the  latitude  by  two  fixed  stars, 
but  which,  to  a  bachelor  on  the  fourth 
floor,  were  valueless. 

The  housekeeper  missed  the  point. 
She  went  so  far  as  to  buy  me  a 
mouse-trap.  It  was  a  silly  trap, 
because  none  of  the  mice  knew  how 
to  work  it,  although  I  baited  it  once 
with  a  cold  poached  egg.  It  is  not 
for  us  to  say  what  our  humbler 
brethren  should  like  and  dislike ;  we 
can  only  discover  by  trial  and  error. 
It  occurred  to  me  that,  if  they  did 
like  cold  poached  eggs,  I  should  be 
able  to  keep  on  good  terms  with  them, 
for  I  generally  had  one  over  of  a 
morning.  However,  it  turned  out 
that  they  preferred  a  vegetable  diet — 
almanacks  and  such. 

The    cupboard    is    nearly    full, 
don't  usually  open  it  to  visitors,  but 
perhaps  you  would  care  to  look  inside 
for  a  moment  ? 

That  was  my  first  top-hat.  What 
do  you  do  with  your  old  top-hats  ? 
Ah  yes,  but  then  I  only  have  a  house- 
keeper here  .  .  .  That  is  a  really  good 
pair  of  boots,  only  it  's  too  small .  .  . 
All  that  paper  over  there  ?  Manu- 
script ....  Well,  you  see,  it  might 
be  valuable  one  day  .  .  . 

Broken  batting  glove.  Brown-paper 


— I  always  keep  brown-paper,  it 's 
useful  if  you  're  sending  off  a  parcel. 
Daily  Mail  War  Map.  Paint-pot— 
doesn't  belong  to  me  really,  but  it 
was  left  behind,  and  1  got  tired  of 
kicking  it  over.  Old  letters — all  the 
same  handwriting,  bills  probably.  .  . 

Ah  no,  you  mustn't  look  at  those. 
(I  didn't  know  they  were  there — 
swear  I  didn't.  I  thought  I  had  burnt 
them.)  Of  course  I  see  now  that  she 
was  quite  right .  .  .  Yes,  that  was  the 
very  sweet  one  where  she  .  .  .  well,  I 
knew  even  then  that  ...  I  mean 
I  'm  not  complaining  at  all,  we  had  a 
very  jolly  time  .  .  . 

Still,  if  it  had  been  a  little  different 
—if  that  last  letter  .  .  .  Well,  I  might 
by.  now  have  had  a  garden  of  my 
own  in  which  to  have  buried  all  this 
rubbish. 


The  Journalistic  Touch. 
"TiME  has  its  strange  revenges,  how- 
ever, and  none  is  stranger  than  the  fact 
that  to-day,  wherever  German  is  spoken. 
LIST  is  a  name  held  in  honour  only  second 
to  that  of  STEW,  BISMARCK,  MOI.TKE.  and 
the  great  KAISER  WILHELM."-  -Daily  Mail. 

The  Literary  Instinct  in  High  Places 

EXTRACT  of  letter  from  the  Archbishop 

of  the  WEST  INDIES  to  Sir  ALFRED  JONES  : 

"I  think  that  your  taking  out  undergraduates 
to  Jamaica  at  a  specially  cheap  rate  for  passage, 
at  those  times  of  the  year  that  these  can  the 
most  easily  be  done,  is  certain  to  do  good  to 
Jamaica." 


CHARIVARI. 


:.tii.v  3.  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 


-:iK  T 


.1  American 

•  :.    •  .•        ; 
it   ri 
len  the  Savage  " 


fact  that,  provided  he  has  Ic-ariit  the  Midi: 

entrance  of  Dniry  Ian--  I"   ''"ill   a  matter  of  a  few  hour.-1,  any  Volunteer  Milialicrn  can 

' 


.ere  figuV  '-'I  C 

' 


with  us 

ten  with  familiar  naincs  were  >\;  \    A- 
Ti  l;Mi:,ainl  i 


of  s  v 

as  a  source  c 

a  lutle  diaap 
f.  «u  nd 
Yard, 
the  1 

to  thi- 
ll AU 

K  PBOWSE,  HKVBT  8.  Ltiun.  OBOBGE  Gnossiimi 

AOHTUL    One  lingers 

days  wh  ib  was  really  Bohemian; 

when  a  steak  .  "it 

sufficed    for   dinner ;    when.  .. 

inquiry  told  YATK-,  the 
Mitwcriplkm  was  "just  whatever  the 
members  chose  to  owe  "  :  when  none 
ill LMlil  for  dinner  and  all  would 
have  lined,  bod  language  to  one  who 
proposed  t<>  i  .  !i.-n  a  Salurdav  night 
dinner  bv  sp«i  ch-makin«.  In  Tin- 
Sim.;.  I  Mini  I'NWIN  Mr. 

All*".    \Yu-'N    Iran's   the   diva'1 
of  the  dub  from  this  hi-h  estate  to 
the  coinni'iiiplaix'  condition  of  a  sort 
of  exhibition  where  the  menil- 
on    wew    for    the    entertainment    of 
LHikes,  Ambassadors,  and  eke  Princes 
i  if   the    lt|u«l.      The   portly  volume  is 
adorned  by  many  illustrations,  in  the 
in.i in    reproducing    the   menu*    con- 
tribute I   bv  artistic  iiienilx'rs  on  the 
trmskin  of  state  dinners,     'fhere 
in.  lud<i|  a  iiLirvellous  sketch  by  I'llil. 
M»v.   preocnting   IKVIMI   as 
lofJiflf*.  which  is  of  itself  worth  the 
price  of  the  luiok. 


;l.l|c    method    of    compll' 

n   i.f  tin-  training  of  "Ilirrrs   fur  this 

l.iin',  Mr.  II  MI  •-  tli.ii  ft  year's  attachment  to 

r  battalion  is  a   i.eee— iiy  if  any  decree  of  elhcicney 
[    U  tn  be  ulit.iiiinl.  ami   almost   in  tin'  same   brialh    proposes 
18    ln-i'ii  a  nn'iiilHT  of  a  Public  School 
fur    two  imiiteil    in    l.iki'   a 

:  Ionia  A,"  which  is  to  bring  him  to  "the  lc\el  of 
•inn  i'f  a  ji.vuii'i  licutuHint   vf   \'uluiil< vrx."  and    \\M 
t  linn  oil  no  fewer  than  four   months  out  of  the  necessary 
vche.     The  \.ilue  of  this  qualification  may  \*-  judgi-d  fn;in 


Certificate  by  att.-nding  tin-  B 


In  the 


iivm-d    In  Mr. 


THE  VACUUM  POCKET-PICKER  AT  WORK. 


.  f  In-tructioii  at  Chelsea  for  one  month. 

I  ha\e  eome  to  the  conclu.-ion  that  under  Mr.  H\: 
sehemc  we  may  easily  secure  the  minimum  of  ci-onon: 
Lined  with  the  maximum  of  inellu  . 

What  Surrey  re-ally  wants  is  a  good  left-hander. 

therefore  to  suggest  that  the  ' 
mittee  should   approach    l>nre  Mus- 
:/riiir,   the    hero   of    Miss    Tm- 
Wiuaoa  \\  \el  .1  .Yiirri/  from 

Kixtj's  (< '  :.ide  him 

to  qualify  for  the  county,  /'-i/v  was 
the  "nc'-rd  liowler  for  ( 'amlirid^e 
I'liiversity,"  havini,'  taken  three 
wickets  in  two  ovi-r.-.  at  I/ird's.  Like 
all  trni'  cricketers  he  is  mode.-t  alnnit 
his  merits,  and  o  i  a  friend 

that  they   generally   ]>nt   him  on  "to 
stop  chances,  and   keep  down  hea\y 
scoring  on  a  liatsman's  \\iek- 
aetion    is    curious     "Slow   with    his 
ri^ht  fora  chaiifi  '.  and   terrific  with 
his   left,    and    coming    hard    off 
pitch."     The  ad\.  t!ii.-  ar>- 

obvious.  As  n  girl  spectator  jmls  it. 
'•  II-  jolly  well  knows  how  to  K.wl 
and  changes  his  hands  too!  That  i> 
what  makes  them  so  shy  of  hitting. 
and  blocks  their  score!"  I  nerd 
hardly  point  out  to  l-oid  ]>u.\ir\i 
that  a  fa^t  left  hand  swerver  in  tin- 
middle  of  nn  over  of  slow  rights 
would  block  anybody's  pooro.  How- 


I'.Nn'i  on  the  subject  of  retrenchment,  and  reprinted  ever,  I  must  warn  him  that  .Vnxyr.nv  takes  a  little  time  to 

in   hi*  Army  llrform  and  other  Addrettft  (Fl>llKti   I'SWIN),  s«-tile  down     his   lir.>t   ball,  in  the  match   in   question,  being 

.t  pnmf  that  he  was  thinking  very  clearly  in-  a   "lieautv  to  lei/  "  which   was   •'pulled  for  two."     Also  he 

III.  I  '.II.  II'  I  ' '  t      .  •  if  ...  .1  *l.' 


lint  when,  in  the  Liter  tpMchea,  his  Kcheme  fororgjini.s- 

inK  a  "  nation  in  arms  "  asmimes  a  tangible  form,  one  is  forced 

•Imit  a  Kr'''t  sense  of  disappointment.     As 

!.ir   Army,   Mr.    MVIMM.'-- 

it  in  tl vent  of  war  to  maintan 

in  the  lii-ld  fur  MV   month*;    but   at    (lie  end   of   that   time 
be  crania  (hat  an  appeal  must   b«  made   to  the   nation 


must  be  rested  carefully.      After  getting  time  wii-l 

tour  oven  toe  captain  ti»'k  him  off    wisely,  no  doubt     P.nt 


itaelf  to  supply  the 

,•  tMM  »ix  roontlw 


support  to  the  Army  abroad, 
the  Second  Line,  the    , 
composed  of  men  enlisted  for  service  in  the  ' 


nl>ll<- 


.1/iiM/r.jr,'  was  not   only  a    bowler.      He   used,  when   at 
s,   in   write   verses   for  the  <!nitiln,  and   debate  at    the 
I,      A  -OIK!  Mn-iable   fellow   the  Surrey  anialrurs   would, 
lind  him.  who  could,  at  a  pinch,  write  snappy  reports  for  the 
/'nil  i/  Mirror,  or  argue  with  his  captain  as  to  which   hand   he 
should    Mart    with.      II  -\M-MT.    l/'i'd    l'\i  \ii\v    mii-t    n  :id    the 

full  of 


Ixxik   for  him  -elf.      H-  will  lind    it    ipiile 
good  sentiments,  and  in  ;  -Idly  da-hing. 


i  in   only,                                    and    then,  Mr.    lltii>\\r 

argue*.    "  liiiding    thcmwlves  they     will 

'ro  Ui  go  abroad  n-.t  only  in   t!  lions, 
•igodcs  and  even  divisions.    .'I 

it  every  n  itorial 
placed  in  a  bke  position,  and  will 

»  almolii-  -(I  to  th 

»ken  to  fullil.  unh-rt-,  he  '"  i:k  '•"•••'  H"1"      BWJOOBSiaBd  luitli."     StanAirJ. 

MI   liie   h-.ur   ..(   in-ill.  Mr    HMI.\M         li    i,  ni,--  to  think  that  even  away  from  home  pvcrylxidy 

"l"lr  '."  hut  torn  at  the  both  in  the  morning. 


Greedy. 

11   Hungalo\v,  would  like  another  ns 
nion."- -i'lm-.-li  "I", 


JULY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


19 


THE  SECRETS  OF  LONG 
DRIVING. 

THKUK  is  some  doubt  as  to  the 
authenticity  of  the  signatures  of  the 
following  letters  on  the  subject  of 
"  Long  Driving  at  Golf."  On  the 
other  hand,  the  letters  themselves 
bear  an  extraordinary  resemblance  to 
those  appearing  over  the  same  signa- 
tures in  C.  B.  Fry's  Magazine  for 
July:  — 

My  opinion  is  that  the  secret  of 
long  driving  is  being  fairly  strong  and 
hitting  the  ball  at  the  right  moment. 
If  one's  calves  are  not  hard  one  does 
not  get  enough  out  of  one's  back. 
E.  BLACKWELL. 

In  my  opinion  the  principal  thing 
in  long  driving  is  hitting  the  ball  pro- 
perly. Some  days  one  seems  to  hit 
the  ball  all  right,  other  days  one  does 
not.  JOHN  GRAHAM,  JUN. 

To  my  mind  the  most  essential 
part  of  long  driving  is  hitting  the  ball 
at  the  right  moment.  You  see,  so 
many  men  hit  it  at  the  wrong 
moment.  The  consequence  is  that 
they  will  not  get  as  far  as  some.  Of 
course  some  use  their  wrists  more 
than  others,  but  I  don't  think  it  is  so 
important  as  hitting  the  ball  in  the 
right  way.  A.  V.  HAMBRO. 

Length  is  attributable,  in  the  first 
place,  to  strength  in  the  usual  places, 
and  secondly  to  hitting  the  ball  per- 
fectly;  and  to  do  this  you  must  hit  in 
the  right  way.  H.  W.  DE  ZOETE. 

I  have  always  taken  a  great  interest 
in  this  question.  Of  course  a  youth 
can  swing  more  quickly  than  a  man 
who  is  set,  and  still  more  quickly 
than  a  man  who  is  upset.  /  believe 
that  all  extra  long  drives  arc  due  to 
the  proper  hitting  of  the  ball. 

W.  HERBERT  FOWLER. 

The  art  of  driving  a  long  ball  con- 
sists in  hitting  it  correctly.  This 
means  hitting  it  at  the  moment  when 
all  one's  forces,  working  harmoni- 
ously, open  themselves  out,  so  to 
speak,  like  a  fan  at  the  proper  time. 

R.  H.  DE  MONTMORENCY. 

I  find  I  get  the  longest  ball  when 
doing  everything  in  the  right  way. 
But  in  order  to  get  a  long  ball  I  think 
a  player  must  also  have  a  certain 
amount  of  strength.  The  stronger 
the  man  the  further. 

J.    S.   WORTHINGTON. 

My  opinion  is  that  the  real  secret 
of  long  driving  is  getting  one's  weight 
and  strength  into  the  shot  at  exactly 
the  right  moment.  Everyone  must 
have  noticed  that  sometimes  the  ball 
does  not  travel  any  distance.  This, 
I  am  quite  sure,  is  due  to  the  fact 


\ 


A   SPECIALIST. 

Mistress.  "  BuintiET,  HAVE  YOU   CEMENTED  Tire  HANDLE   ON  TO  THE  WATER-JCO  WHICH  tou 

DKOPPED  YESTERDAY?" 

Bridget.  "I  STARTED  TO,  MUM,  BUT  MOST  UXI-ORTI-NATEI.Y  I  DROITED  TJIE  CEMENT  BOTTLE." 


that  the  player  has  struck  the  ball  in 
the  wrong  way.  MAIDSTONE. 

I  have  made  a  very  close  study  of 
the  subject.  My  opinion  is  that 
the  secret  of  the  whole  matter  is 
putting  everything  into  the  stroke 
at  the  right  moment.  Then  the  ball, 
after  it  leaves  the  tee,  is  carried  for- 
ward quite  an  appreciable  distance. 
The  best  way  I  know  of  getting  an 
idea  of  what  "  timing  "  means  is  to 
swing  a  cane  with  one  hand  and  listen 
to  where  the  "  swish  "  sounds  loud- 
est. (Head-masters  and  small  boys 
ought  to  know  something  of  this.) 
This  is  rather  long,  but  not  so  long  as 
a  good  long  drive.  B.  W.  ORR. 


AN  advertisement  of  the  charms  of 
Ventnor  contains  the  following  statement 
taken  from  a  distinguished  writer : 

"  Best  of  all,  the  place  is  certainly  cold 
rather  than  hot  in  the  summer  time." 

We  see  nothing  very  exceptional  in 
this. 

Tlie  New  Age,  in  noticing  the  first 
issue  of  Women's  Franchise,  a  penny 
weekly,  says : 

"The  promoters  of  the  venture  are  to  l;e 
congratulated  on  having  succeeded  in  securing 
the  enthusiastic  co-operation  of  the  various 
suffrage  societies,  whose  tactics  differ,  but  whose 
aims  lead  to  the  same  gaol." 

"  Gaol  "  is  a  nice  touch. 


:  ' 


OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JuLt  10,  1907. 


TO  VENUS,  SHOT  IN  HER  TRACKS. 

TWAS  but  a  week,  a  little  week  away— 
Beneath  the  usual  scowl  of  summer  skies, 

Pending  the  absence  of  the  orb  of  day, 
I  sunned  myself  against  your  glowing  eyes, 

Until  my  blood,  whose  temperature  was  nil, 
Got  fairly  off  the  chill. 

Gold  were  your  locks,  and  some  of  them  your  ow  n  ; 

Your  lips  were  stained  a  nice  geranium  red ; 
And  on  your  cheeks  the  cherry's  ruddy  tone 

Was  not  too  ruddy.    Briefly,  from  your  head 
Downward*,  and  ending  in  your  dainty  feet, 
I  thought  you  rather  sweet 

But  now  what  change  is  this,  what  sudden  blight  ? 

For  I  have  seen  you  in  the  half|>onny  press 
Snapped  at  a  garden-party,  and  the  sight 

Of  what  was  lately  so  much  loveliness, 
Blistered  and  blurred  and  damaged  past  repair, 
Has  blanched  my  raven  hair. 

Your  features,  as  reported  in  the  print, 

Are  simply  pulp  and  black  as  any  crow's ; 
Your  eyes,  a  brace  of  blobs,  reveal  no  hint 
r  Of  speculation,  and  your  charming  nose, 
Your  charming  nose  that  hod  my  chest  in  thrall, 
Cannot  be  traced  at  all. 

What  devastating  cataclysm  has  wrought 
The  hideous  shock  that  leaves  your  face  so  marred  ? 

Can  you  yourself  have  been  (distressing  thought !) 
The  prey  of  passion  hopelessly  ill  starred  ? 

I  too  have  lost  my  heart,  and  mourn  the  theft, 
Yet  have  tome  features  left. 

Can  Art  have  played  you  false  ?    Ah  no,  I  cry ; 

The  Kodak-film  that  pranks  our  morning  sheets, 
Mirror  of  Actuality,  cannot  lie! 

So  for  a  solace  I  must  turn  to  KEATS  : 
Truth  equals  Beauty !— that  was  KEATS'*  view. 

Let 's  hope  he  really  knew.  0.  S. 

THE    COURAGE    OF    HIS   CLOTHES. 
(From  the  Diary  of  an  Impressionable  Enthusiast.) 
Saturday.   June   29.— Striking    letter  by  E.  BELKORT 
BAX   in   The  Nation  of  to-day  on  "  The  Duty  of  being 
singular,"  denouncing  our  "  mechanical  uniformity  it. 
clothing  and  personal  adornment."    As  the  writer  justly 
iys:    "  There  is  many  a  man  who,  while  ho  would  not 
rsitate  to  express  views  of  the  most  heterodox  or  bohe- 
mian  nature,  would  shrink  at  appearing  '  singular  '  in  the 
matter  of  dress  .  .  .  it  is  not  so  rare  nowadays  to  find  a 
man  who  has  the  courage  of  his  opinions,  but  it  i- 
rare  to  find  one  who  has  the  courage  of  his  clothes,  if  they 
lappeo  to  be  unconventional."    Then  he  shows  "  th"- 
only  way  of  overcoming  the  tyranny  of  ugliness  in  male 
costume.       Really  very  simple.     Merely  "  to  aim  »t  the 
destruction  of  uniformity  by  insisting  on  the  duty  of 
right-minded    person    to   dress   differently    from    other 
eople,  to  cultivate  individuality  in  dress/'     Again,  "  If 
be  departure  from  convention  bo  beautiful,  so  much  the 
Mar;  if  ughr,  it  matters  l.ttle.     When  , -verv  individual 
has  an  tndmdusl  dress,  singularity  will  have  become  the 
-.nd    uniformity  will    tlu-n    be  stared  at  as  singu- 
anty.       Don't  quite  follow  this;  should  have  thought 
hat  then  uniformity  would  IK-  t«,  individual  to  be  at  all 
but    anyhow    think  I  see  Mr.   HM.H.RT  BAX'S 
Should  like  to  help  him  to  realise  it,  if  oiilv  I 
*ps  I  have  f,,und  |I1V  mission  at 
How  true  is  his  remark  that  "  He  who  can  deter- 


lly.  break  the  conventions  in  dross  shows  evidence  of 
being  capable  of  great  tilings  in  other  directions,  so  fur  ns 
courage  is  concerned."  lla\e  never  showi.  tliiit  i/rf 

liather  wi>h   I   was  less  constitu- 
tionally    shy.    indeed,    almost    nr-rbidly    Pel; 
Jiut,    us    Mr.     I'.  \\  I,    iion-eonformit y    in    dress 

"often    iir.  serious   moral    discipline."      N 

was   ever    the    worse    for    that.      llcsolvcd    to   make    a 
• 

June  30. — Have  begun.  Attended  Church 
Parade  in  brown  leather  motoring  suit  and  white  pith 
helmet  (both  Uirrowcd  for  occasion).  Met  very  few 
people  I  know,  ami  even  they  did  not  M  em  to  know  me, 
so  had  no  opportunity  nf  mentioning  that  I  was  carrying 
out  Mr.  IH:i.KiHT  HAX'S  injunction  "  to  break  down  the 
•if  appearing  singular."  Didn't  stay  in  1'ark  very- 
long.  On  reflection  not  sure  that  my  appearan. 
quite  singular  enough.  Decided  to  look  in  at  costumier  s 

'  hing  to-morrow. 

Monday,  July  1.—  Spent  morning  in  I'.ow  Street  select- 
ing costumes  which  I  fancy  e\. -n  Mr.  BKI.F.-KT  BAX  would 
admit  are  really  individual.  As  "  moral  discipline," 
they  ought  to  prove  excellent.  Dined  with  the  (iit\Mu 

(ioREsat  Kat"ii  S,|uarc.     As  I  alight..!  from  hni 
in    green    velvet    dinner-jacket,    Georgian    embroid- 
waistcoat,  Turkish  trousers,  /abet ban  ruff, 

and  wreath  of  roses,  driver  remarked  to  .  kerb 

stone,  "  Doesn't  he  look  nice!  "  and  even  the  cab-horse 
turned  to  have  a  last  look  at  me.     All  the  same,  felt  n 
little  shy  in  the  hall  and  up  the  stairs,  though  neither 
men  in  livery  nor  butler  seemed  to  notice  anything.     On 
entering  drawing-room,   somewhat   disconcerted    to  dis- 
cover thnt  I  was  last   and   had  k.  pt    everybody  waiting. 
Mrs.  GhtAMDISON-GoRE's  greeting  a  trifle  chilly  in 
sequence.     Saw  that  it  would  be  mistake  to  attempt  any 
I  explanation  of  my  costume  just  then.     Rather   n  dull 
| dinner.     Tried  to  introduce  topic  of  hideousness  of  con- 
ventional male  costume,  but  really  no  opening.       : 
early,  without  feeling  that  I  have  brought  Mr.  Jii  I.I..UT 
lUx  many  converts  as  yet.     But  can't  expect  to  su 
all  at  once. 

Tuesday,  July  2.— Pulled  myself  together  and  went  to 
the    LOTHBUBY-COPTH  ALLS'    garden-party    in    Kensington 
Palace  Gardens.     Wore  waders,  Roman  toga  with  broad 
purple  hem.  and  grey  Trilby  hat.     Annoyed  by  general 
impression  that  I  was  engaged  to  "  do  something  funny." 
Think  I  succeeded  in  correcting  this  by  explaining  that  I 
was  simply  "  preaching  the  cult  of  eccentricity  in  .1 
and  that,  according  to  Mr.  HKI.FOUT  HAX,  "men  theo- 
retica^  advocacy  of  beauty    in    personal    attire  «as  no 
good."     They  assured  me  that  they  cpiite  uiid.-r-t.  •  .1 
but   I   could   see   their  eyes   wandering,      ('un- 
depressed.    Still,  no  doubt  about  the  mural  discipline, 
Not  nearly  so  si-lf-conseions  as  I  was  yesterday. 

Wednesday,  .lull,  3.    Didn't  feel  .pute  up  to  going  out. 
Tlnirxilny,  .l\,\tj  -I.-    Decided  that   1  must  inn! 
effort.     Telephoned    for  stall   at    Opera   to-night-.      \Vben 
'    arri-  Coyent    Harden,    however,    in    carefullv- 

thought-out  combination  of  sky-blue  satin  Norfolk  jacket, 
n    kilt,    purti-coloiircd    hose,     "  ^vm  "    shoes,    ami 
sou'wester,  found  that  oflu-ials  insisted  on  some  regula- 
tion of  theirs  as  t<.  no  one  being  admitted   to  the  stalls 
!'t  in  the  hideously  conventional  uniform  known  ns 
ngclothi          I,    !  .-ulons  red-tape!    Told  them  I  was 
aiming  at    making  life  brighter  than   it    i«  at    (.resent,  ' 
quoting  Mr.   I',I;I.K,KT  HAX,   but   tlon't  belie\,-  they   |,ad 
1  of  him,  for  they  wouldn't  let  me  iii.      S,',  tri  -1 
a  music-hall   instead,   and   e\,-n   there  only   admitted  on 
taking   a   box    and    promising   to   sit    well 'back!     Never 
ude  a  music-hall   before,   but  delighte  1   to   find   that 


KJNCFT.  OR  THE  LONDON  CnAKTVARr-.Tr.v  10.  1007 


ON   THE   PUBLIC'S   SEEVICE. 


™    SECBETART)-  " LOOK  HERE-  SIR.    IF  YOU'RE  REALLY  THINKING  OF  WAKINO 
r  ^KE    THESE    TAXIMETERS    COMPULSORY    WHILE    YOU'RE    ABOUT    IT? 

SHALL  ALL  KNOW   WHERE  WE  ARE!" 


JULY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


23 


LOOKING    A    GIFT    HORSE    IN    THE    WAIST. 

Squire  (icho  lias  given  Ins  gardener  a  cast-o/  suit).  "  So  Ton  'VE  GOT  THE  CLOTHES  ON,  BIFFINS  ? ' 
Eiffinx.  "YES,  Sin.    BIT,  LAW!  THEY'LL  COST  ME  A  DEAL  FILLING  OUT!" 


several  of  the  performers  evidently  took  in  The  Nation 
and  were  followers  of  Mr.  BELFORT  BAX.  One  appeared 
on  stage  in  a  short  black  cloth  blouse,  with  tights  of  the 
same,  and  large  Eton  collar — really  very  neat  and  dis- 
tinctive. Another  wore  a  Scotch  cap,  a  sailor's  jacket, 
flesh-coloured  tights,  and  knee-caps.  The  third  was  in 
a  white  drill  suit  with  very  short  trousers,  socks  striped 
red  and  white,  baby's  shoes,  and  a  lady-doll's  hat. 
Brave  fellows !  they,  too,  are  preaching  the  cult. 

Friday,  July  5. — Wire  from  JENKINSON  asking  me  to 
lunch  with  him  to-day  at  the  National  Liberal. 
Accepted.  Remembered  that  Mr.  EELFORT  BAX'S  letter 
was  dated  from  Club,  so  made  a  rather  careful  toilet, 
just  in  case  I  met  him.  Toreador  jacket,  football  jersey, 
riding  breeches,  cricket  pads,  and  shooting  boots. 
Bothered  about  head-dress — almost  decided  on  fireman's 
helmet,  till  I  recollected  last  night.  Stopped  cab  at  toy- 
shop on  way  to  Whitehall  Place,  chose  doll's  chip  hat 
and  feathers,  which  they  assured  me  was  the  latest  style. 
Effect  saucy — still,  eighteenpence  dees  seem  rather  a  stiff 
price  for  it. 

While  I  was  waiting  quietly  in  hall  of  Club  for  JENKIN- 
SON, one  of  the  members  came  out  and  raised  rumpus; 
threatened  to  complain  to  Committee,  declared  I  must 


be  raving  lunatic.  Told  him  I  was  only  "  aiming  at  com- 
plete reversal  of  present  condition  of  dress,"  and  that 
"  the  worst  vagaries  of  individual  taste  could -not  be  more 
hideous  than  modern  costume."  Assured  him,  in  Mr. 
BELFORT  BAX'S  own  words,  that  "  out  of  this  chaos  in 
costume  must  inevitably  emerge  in  the  end  the  cosmos  of 
aesthetic  taste  as  standard."  Begged  him  to  send  for 
Mr.  B.  B.  if  he  happened  to  be  in  the  Club.  Member 
more  indignant  than  ever;  said  I  must  be  an  absolute 
idiot,  or  I  couldn't  have  so  entirely  misunderstood  what 
the  writer  of  letter  to  The  Nation  was  driving  at. 
Advised  me  to  go  quietly  home  and  not  make  a  fool  of 
myself;  offered  to  make  my  excuses  to  JENKINSON,  also 
lend  me  a  hat  and  overcoat  of  his  own,  in  which  I  should 
avoid  attracting  attention.  He  made  such  a  point  of  this, 
and  seemed  so  positive  that  I  had  taken  Mr.  BELFORT 
BAX  too  literally  that  I  began  to  feel  that  perhaps  he 
knew  best. 

Saftirday,  July  6.— After  all,  it  is  a  comfort  to  go  about 
dressed  like  everybody  else  again.  Very  kind  of  that 
member  to  lend  me  his  hat  and  overcoat  yesterday. 
Should  like  to  return  them  with  thanks,  but  can't. 
Oddly  enough,  he  quite  forgot  to  mention  his  name. 

1      •     Am 


»l 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Jut!  10,  1907. 


IN   |  HI.ol  Kllt'dli. 

i-r. 
1.—"  Tk«  Nook'.  "   Seedt. 

"  The  Nook."  Is  Mr. 
Mn    J  lady.   I  can't  say- 

as  be  's  in  ju*t  at  the  moment,  but  I 
darmav  I  could  find  him.     He  V 
ikely  at  Bellag- 

•io,     or  un  at  our  other  garden. 

•'7  "I  want  to  see  him 

very    particularly.       It  'a   about   my 
;ari.Mi.      1  live  at  "  The  Nook, 
«x>w.  and  I  want  Mr.  JfPP  to  come 
to  me  regularly. 

Mrt.  Jupp.  Yes.  lady;  but  I  think 
joti  '•.  we  -li  IM-  yourself.     I  'II 

,-o  ai  II  take  a  chair. 

"  1  it  I  could  go  per- 

II.       Btpth  those  houses  are 
on  my  way  bn 

Un.  Jupp.  oh   no,  lady;  you  sit 
down;   I  'II  fetch  him. 
[Mrs.  JfPP  fetches   Mr.  JCPP  from 

"  Tlie  (irrfii  Man." 
"The    .V.mfc."  Oh!    Mr.    Jrpp.    I 
want    von    to   come    to    my    garch-n 
Friday.     What  do  you  charge 
l..r  t'hat? 

Mr.  Jupp.  Fridays,  mum,  I  'm  en- 
gaged nt  "  Belly  \ 
"  The  \\>»k  "'  Then  We<lnesdays. 
Mr.   Jupp.  Wednesdays,   mum,    I 
go  to  "  The  Itcd  Bungalow." 
"  The  .\ 

Mr.  Jupp.  Yes.  mum,  all  day.    By 
rights   1   ought    to   be    there    all   the 

.  there  's  that  work  to  be  do: 
"  Thr  '  Mondays,  then  ?  Are 

ngaged  on  Mondays? 
Mr.  Jupp.  Yes,  ilium;  on  Mondays 
I  U-longs  to  "  Sans  Souci." 

i'.ut  this  is  Monday. 
Why  aren't  you  there  now? 

Mr.  Jupp.  1  nm,  mum.      This  is 

••a-timc. 

"  The    \iKil-."  Couldn't    you    give 
You  shall  have 

Anything   you   liki-     in    the   gar- 

d'  P.  mid  if  you  gave  me  that  hour 

ing  all  through  the  week  I 

darenay  it  would  .1 

Mr.  Jupp.  What,  mum,  work  all 
through  my  tea-tu 

"  Tke   Snok."  I   should   pay  you 

for  it,  of  course.     And  really  you  'n 

ii   better  without  tea.      You  'I 

pnjoy  your  supper  all  the  more,  you 

know.     V  Mrs.  Jupp? 

• 

with     Jfpp  H     affairs.      Jfpp     must 
r  for  himself. 

Mr 

in  hour  in 
irly  morning  before  you  start  at 

•    • 

gard'-n.  mum?     When  am  I  going  to 
dot: 


The   '  <>f  course  1  should 

N  -or  coining  then. 

'\l'r  .  thinking 

.."  Well,  1  would  give 
•  vo    an    hour — that   s 

'our  a    week.     Will    you 

come'.'     Are  there  no  other  gardeners 

Mr.  Jin       N      :num,  no  one;  and 
:  e  wouldn't  he  niiy 
use.       He  wouldn't  understand  the 
soil.     It 's    very    curious    soil    about 

"  The  .Voofc."  Well,  will  you  come'.' 
Mr.  Jupp.   I'll  let  you  know,  mum. 

I  '11  think  about  it  and  let  you  know. 

There  's  so  many  after  me  I  ha\.    t< 

je  careful,  mum.     But  I  'II  let  you 

enow. 

Tht  .Yoofc."    Can't    you    decide 

now '.'    I  'II    give    you    tenpence    an 

jour. 
Mr.  Jupp.  I  '11  let  you  know,  mum. 

II.—"  La  Hacienda*  "  Needs. 

"  La.  Hacienda."  Is  Mr.  JUPP  in? 

Mrs.  Jupp.  No,  sir.  I  can't  say 
be  "s  in  just  ut  the  moment,  but  he  "s 
not  far  away. 

"  La  Hacienda."  Where  do  you 
think  he  is'.' 

Mr*.  Jupp.  Well,  he  mi^ht  be  at 
"  Sims  Souci,"  and  he  might  be  at 
"  Bellyvista,"  or  up  in  our  other 
garden,  perhaps.  You  see,  being  the 
only  gardener  about  here,  he  's  so 
much  in  iec|'iest.  If  you  '11  lake  a 
seat  I'll  fetch  him. 

fetches  JCPP  from  "  The  Green 

Man." 

"  IM  Hacienda."  Mr.  JfPP,  I  want 
to  arrange  with  you  ulmut  my  garden. 
What  day  will  suit  you  best? 

Mr.  Jupp.  I  don't  know,  sir,  as 
I  've  <;ot  any  day. 

Hacienda."  You  don't  mean 
to  say  you  're  full   up?    The  whole 

week  '.' 

Mr.    Jupp.  I    might    be    able    to 

s<|iiee/e  in  an  hour  here  and  then-. 
Suppose — I  only  say  suppose,  mind — 
1  was  ior  MII  hour  every  morn- 

ing before  1  started  in  regular  at  my 
din's  work,  \vhere\er  it  might  be — 
at'"  The  Nook,"  or  "  H.-llyvistn,"  or 

'1  Rungn- 

low,"  or  "  The  Corner  House,"  or 
wher.  ,^'.'  Although,  of  course 

I  ought  to  lie  in  my  own  garden  then 
well  knows.    What 

•     \\hile    t<  • 

"  La  nn     hour 

Mr.   JH;  :    , Might 

»wn  fardel). 

"  /.'i  //  '   Well,  118  it 's  im 


xirtiint,  and  you  seem  to  be  the  only 
obhing  gardener  about  here 

Mr.  Jupp.  No,  sir,  there  '«  no 
ither.  and  even  if  there  \\as,  he 
wouldn't  i  H--  wouldn't 

in-lerstand  the  soil.      It  's  very  euri- 

•il  about  here.     It  's  a  mat1 
i  lifetime  to  learn  it. 

"  /..i  Hacicnd.i."   Well,  I  wouldn't 
nind  as  miK-h  as  a  shilling  an  hour, 

.   r:ite  ;it  first.      Would  tlr.' 
Mr.  Jupp.  Well,  I  Ml  think  about  it, 
and  let  you   know.  sir.     I   can't  de- 

.uythini;  till   I 

tleman  lit   "  The  Tro^saehs.  "     H 
he   first    :-Iaim   on    any   of   my 
;ime,  such  as  it  is;  but  I  '11  I-'  >ou 
<now. 
[Krit    "  La    Hacienda."    and    riif.-r.s 

"  The    Cedars  "    on    a    similar 

errand.     And  so  it  goes  on. 


Tin-: 


KABY. 


.  KIXSOP  and  I  were  alone,  alone  in 
he  Hlenkinsop  flat,  with  the  ! 

baby. 

"I  know  what  you 're  going  to 
.•,1  Un  NKIXSOI-  conlidentlv. 

"What?" 

"That  he's  got  my  nose.  Everyone 
sees  it  at  once." 

"You  are  quite    wn  •  I    replied; 

that  is  the  last  thing  I   should   care  to 
say  alxiut  anyliody.      llesides,  as  f... 
ran  so-,  he  doesn't  seem  to  possess  a 
nose  nt  all." 

•  No  nose?" 

"  I  defy  you  to  find  one." 

BI>:XKIXSOP  jiointed  with  his  right 
'orelingcr  to  the  child's  countenance. 
'  What 's  that,  then  'f  "  he  demanded. 

"  A  Ixiby." 

'    No,  that,  just  then- y" 

"I  don't  know,"  I  answered;  "I'm 
not  a  specialist." 

He  regarded  me  with  contempt 
"That's  his  n. 

"  Oh,  well,"  said  I,  seeing  that  he  was 
•  nig  annoyed,  "  1  '11  lake  \oiir  w.  id 
for  it." 

Suddenly    the    baby    opcii<  d    hi 
and,  perceiving  his  father's  linger  point 
••.light  at  him  at  a  distance  of  almiit 
two      inches,     uttered     a     short,     sharp 
ejaculation  in  n  language  of  his  own. 

HIINKIS—  IP     started      back.       "What 
.   want  V  "  he  asked  guiltily. 

"  lie  thinks  you  're  ^'»ing  to  fi^fl  him." 

"  Hut  I  don't  know  what  to  give  him." 
At  this  his  Bon  emitted  a  wail  of  such 
agonised  appeal  tlint  we  lx>th  shivered 
involuntarily. 

"(iood  lord  !  "  said    ]>i  "  this 

i-;  horrible.  1  never  beard  him  do  that 
In-fore.  I>o  you  think  he  understood 
what  I  said  ''.  " 

"It  certainly  looks  like  it.  You 
should  be  more  careful." 

The  baby,   who  now  appeared   to 


JULY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


thoroughly  awake,  eyed  us  both  suspici- 
ously for  a  few  moments  ;  then,  wrink- 
ling his  face  into  an  expression  of 
almost  inhuman  ferocity,  ho  commenced 
to  voice  his  opinion  of  the  universe. 

"  Rock  him,"  I  advised. 

PI.ENKIXSOP  rocked  him  vigorously. 

"  That  will  do  ;  now  leave  him  for  a 
minute." 

We  sat  and  regarded  (he  cradle  and 
its  occupant  askance.  A  moment  later, 
at  the  summit  of  an  appalling  paroxysm, 
the  infant  abruptly  ceased  its  cries 
and  lay  stone  still.  I  mopped  my  brow 
with  a  sigh  of  relief.  But  BLENKIKSOP 
was  peering  anxiously  at  the  bundle  in 
the  cradle.  "  I  say,"  he  whispered,  "  I 
believe  there  'a  something  wrong  with 
the  little  chap ;  he  doesn't  seem  to  be 
breathing."  He  poked  him  gingerly 
with  his  finger.  "  Why,  he 's  quite 
stiff;  and,  good  lord — yes,  he's  turning 
blue !  " 

I  bent  over  the  baby.  It  was  true. 
His  fists  were  clenched,  and  his  face 
was  slowly  assuming  a  bluish  tinge. 

"It's  convulsions!"  I  said,  and  we 
gazed  at  each  other  with  horror. 

"What's  to  be  done?"  BLEXKINSOP 
exclaimed. 

"Haven't  you  one  of  those  medical 
emergency  books  — '  Every  Man  his  own 
Mother,'  or  something  of  that  sort?" 

He  looked  at  mo  wildly.  "  We  've 
got  '  Every  Man  his  own  Mechanic.'  " 

I  shook  my  head.  Then  in  a  flash 
I  remembered.  "  I  believe — yes,  by 
Jove !  we  must  give  him  a  hot  bath 
at  once." 

"It  may  be  too  late  by  the  time 
we  've  heated  a  bathful,"  said  BLENKINSOP. 

"  A  large  saucepan  will  do,"  I  said  ; 
and  with  that  I  picked  up  the  baby, 
cradle  and  all,  and  we  dashed  into  the 
kitchen. 

"  Fill  one,"  I  commanded,  "  while  I 
undress  him." 

BLEXKIXSOP  hastily  selected  the  largest 
saucepan  and  filled  it  from  the  boiler, 
while  I  struggled  with  strings  and  safety- 
pins.  But  my  efforts  were  fruitless ; 
the  baby's  garments  proved  impene- 
trable. 

"  He  's  all  knots.     You  have  a  try." 

BLENKINSOP  failed  hopelessly.  "  Why 
not  put  him  in  as  lie  is  ?  "  I  suggested. 

"  1  low  could  we  dry  him  afterwards  ?  " 

"  It 's  the  only  chance  ;  wo  shall  have 
to  risk  that." 

BLEXKINSOP  groaned,  but  did  as  he 
was  directed.  Babies  in  convulsions 
are  admittedly  rigid,  but  we  managed  to 
bend  the  child  somehow,  and  finally  got 
him  into  ths  saucepan  in  a  kind  of 
sitting  position.  I  dipped  my  finger 
in  tlio  water. 

"  This  isn't  hot.  He  '11  catch  his 
death  of  cold." 

Then  BLENKIKSOP  did  the  one  thing 
possible.  Seizing  the  saucepan,  with  the 


Musical  Critic  (to  licet).  "  VEBY  rum  TSEAD  vouu  DAtciiTEtt  HAS." 


blue  baby  inside,  he  placed  it  on  the 
range,  drew  out  all  the  dampers,  and 
attacked  the  fire  with  the  poker. 

"  We  can  do  no  .more,"  he  whispered 
hoarsely. 

At  the  end  of  three  minutes  there 
seemed  to  be  a  change  in  the  baby.  He 
was  still  apparently  lifeless,  but  his 
blue  was  not  so  intense.  At  the  end  of 
five  minutes  he  looked  almost  pink 
again,  and  shortly  afterwards  we  noticed 
him  stir  his  right  eyelid. 

"  He 's  coming  round  !  "  I  cried.  "  Get 
ready  to  take  him  off." 

BLENKINSOP  grasped  the  handle  of  the 
saucepan,  and  then — the  kitchen  door 
opened.  It  was  Mrs.  BLENKINSOP. 

I  will  not  pursue  the  story  further. 
I  am  no  longer  on  Mrs.  BLENKINSOP'S 
visiting  list.  And  yet,  but  for  my 
assistance,  her  baby  would  undoubtedly 
have  succumbed  to  convulsions. 

Besides,  as  I  pointed  out,  it  wasn't 
I  who  put  the  saucepan  on ;  it  was 

Bl-ENKINSOr. 

"  P<ace  hath  her  Victories  "... 

"  PEACE  CONFERENCE. 
THE  OPENING  OF  HOSTILITIES." 
The  Times. 


1C  ore  Candour. 
I. 

"  French  chef  requires  situation  in  private 
family,  permanent  or  job ;  101  g°°d  personal 
references." — Morning  Post. 

SOMETHING  very  suspicious  about 
that  half. 

n. 

"  Ten  houses  for  sale,  all  let  to 
most  respectable  tenants,  with  one 
exception." — Auctioneer's  announce- 
ment. 

in. 

"  A  most  amusing  and  delightful 
book.  Take  it  along  in  the  train, 
and  you  won't  have  to  struggle  for 
sleep  against  comfortless  cushions 
and  exiguous  seats." — The  Standard. 

IV. 

"  For  Sale.  Second-hand.  Gen- 
tleman's leather  dressing-case,  brush, 
combs,  and  tooth-brush." 

The  Bazaar. 


A  large  Pocket. 
"  A  JUVENILE  PICKPOCKET. 
URCHIN  STEALS  A  GOAT." 

Indian  Daily  News. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


'.T.IT  in,  1007. 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 

M AXI  things  have  happened  to  me  since  the  < i 
I  used  to  ride  acrot* 
This  k  not  its  real  nan 

though  truth  would  forbid  me  to  relate  aught  but  good  of 
iU  members,  of  t!,.-  Hunt  servants-  frequent 

casuak  who  came  to  its  meets.  This  Hunt  was  estab- 
lished, let  me  say,  in  a  southern  county.  The  pack  was 
not  what  is  called  a  fashionable  one,  but.  in  my  own  esti- 
mation and  th  .  .  it  did 


not  fall  abort  of  more  oeiebratod  packs  IP  all  that  per 
Uins  to  straight  riding,  gallantry  and  genuine  sportsman- 
ahip.     It  had  been  for  a  long  time  in  existence  and  had 
traditions  and  a  history  of  its  own.     The  country  - 
great  variety  and  taxed  the  skill  ttility  of  horses 

and  riders.  On  one  day  you  might  find  y .mi-self  t 
ling,  with  the  scent  breast-high,  over  a  succession  of 
rolling  downs;  then  almost  in  a  moment  you  would 
plunge  into  a  big  patch  of  woodland.  n  ly  to  enurge 
suddenly  into  a  great  grass  park,  where  a  series  of 
posta  and  rails  gave 


you   an  opportunity   of 
witching  the  world  and 


pounding  your  friends. 
On  another  day,  in 
another  quarter,  you 
might  ride  over  some  of 
the  prettiest  grass-field* 
in  •  the  world,  with 
hedges  and  ditches  to 
try  your  mettle;  or 

r'n  you  might  have 
your  work  cut  out 
for  you  by  a  region  of 
tricky  water 
It  waa  a  true  sporting 
country,  and  the  quality 
of  those  who  rode  over 
it,  M  I  remember  th. m. 
in  no  degree  fell  short 
of  their  country, 

In  the  days  of  which 
I    speak,    some    twenty-five    years    ago,    the    hounds 
were     hunted     by    the     Master    himself.       A    sturdy 
Centaur   he  was,  bluff,  downright,  and    a   bold   leader 
of  men.      He   was  a  short  man,   but   very   powerful. 
The  winds  and  rains  of  many  seas-ms  had  beaten  a  d.-.-p 
ruddy  colour,  the  pledge,  as  it  seemed,  of  health  and 
manly  courage,  into  hit  bearded  face.     Nothing  daunted 
Many  a  time  I  have  seen  him  take  his  horse  up 
to  wire  netting  or  iron  rail  and  leap  over  it  as  lightly  us 
t  he  was  far  from  being  a  break-neck  dare- 
Bk  objed  was  to  keep  with  his  hounds,  and  in 
this  be  never  failed.     Every  wile  and  shift  of  the  hunted 
animal  be  seemed  to  realise  by  instinct,  and  about 
that  secular  m  ,-w  as  much  as  mortal  m:m 

may  know.  What  great  days  ho  gave  us,  and  how 
cheerily  his  born  sounded  through  the  coverts,  and  again, 
with  decisive  blast,  when  the  fox  at  last  broke  away  and 
"•Kk  '  '  rid.  I  fear,  shall  I 

hear  it  again;  but  some  day,  it  may  bo,  it  will  wake  for  u* 
the  shadowy  echoes  as  we  stream,  a  cmfm:, 
coated  ghost «...     r  the  F.K-.  ,i,  f 

It  waa  not.  h- 

i  apeak.     \ 
place  in  my  memory  and    dewr          the    tribute  of    n.v 

•od  general  utility  man  to  a  horscdeal.  r  in  t 


L..WH.     If  I'l.i  i>  had  another  nm:  •!  -,t  I 

•.  it,  though  1 
and  pureh  :   tin  m  to  m\ 

I  in  n  was  a  thin  fellow,  with  ..  pindle 

tegs  that  had  a  wonderful  i/rip  on  u  hone.      Hi*  I 

was  a  sort  of     how  yhall  I 

hungry,    appn  I  look  in   I  though    he 

yearned  fur  danger,  but  hardly  relished  the  risk  of 
ing  his  bones,     xet  be  was  absolute!] 
see   him   now,  a  rcspectuhl'-  w  in     his    hatterei 

bowler  hat  and  his  w.-ath«  v-slaim-d  1  . 
field  (but  not  the  Master)  ov.-r  our  M 
was  a  man  of  few  words,  but  lie  i-otild  bni-j.-  many  : 
to  a  meet  and  was  able  to  sell  not  n  few  from  t 
time.     Ho  had  the  curious  faculty  (bom,   1  sup| 
a  complete  knowledge  of  tl  .\i  of  disapp 

soon  after  a  run  started  and  turning  up  !i  and 

punctual  when  hounds  pulled  down  their  [OX.      N 

pride  in  his  skill,  for  he  ft 

natural  pessimist,  a  speculator,  as  it  were,  for  tl 
and  to  look  upon  riding  as  an  occupation  in  which 

was    compelled    • 
piate   the  .-.in-;  of   many 
:   his   foro'- 

fatluT-.  Y.  <      I 

saw     FRED     iii     trouble 
with  a  hi' 

I     hail     bought    a    fine 
'ful       and       highly 
recommended    chestnut 
in      Suffolk      nnd      had 
brought  him  down  with 
me  to  be  tried  at  a  meet 
of  a  pack  of  I 
soon  found    lie    •. 
bolter.     For  an  hour  or 
!v.  o  he  pulled  my  arms 
out    of    their    shoulder- 
sockets  and  then  nt  last 
ho  got  away   \\ith   me. 
We     ended     down      a 
twelve-foot  drop  into  a 
lane  and  on  to  the  shafts 
of  a  field-roller,  which,  without  damaging  ourselves,  v., 
splintered  into  mutch-wood.     This  adventure  cause. i 
to  look  with  some  suspicion  on  the  chestnut  ns  a  follower 
of  hounds.     I  asked  FRED  to  take  him  over  \\ith  a  view  io 
finding  a  purchaser,  and  FRED,  nothing  loth,  consei 
II.    rode  the  fiend  a  day  or  tw  i.    I   am 

proud  to  relate,  lasted  no  longer  than  I  had.      "  T.  took 
me,"  said   FREII,   "  acrorst   two  fields  ami  slap  through 
two  fences  like  a  railway,  jumped  me  into  a  orchard 
got  me  stuck  in  the  branches  of  a  old  appl.  K  lost 

me  there,  and  we  found  'ini  twenty  miles  orf  next  day." 
PKKD'I   pale  and   timorous  face   bore   manv   sanguinary 

of  his  painful  collision  \\i-.h  th 
On  the  whole,  however,  Fiti  n  v.  as  a  foi 
as  a  brave  and  skilful  rider.      He  must  be  nil  oldish  man 
"""'.  ;:  Mtinucd,  as  I  trust   she  did,  to  spare  him 

for    equestrian  i   thr  sale  oj    the    .-.ninials  he  so 

1'n.bably     lie     live.-     retire, i 
work,  and  oft 

Deration. 

The  Mystery  Solved. 

-Ml  . 

]>rn]*-r*  \'t,i 

li  l«  for  the  li>ss  of  tl ..  :    |,ut  wlm  U, light 

it,  and  what  is  }\<:  doing  with  it  'f 


A  HINT  FOR  THE  BUSINESS  EXHIBITION  AT  OLYMPIA. 
WRY  tor  mvB  DEMomriATioKS  n  me  AIT  or  snor-WALKi.vo  ? 


JULY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


27 


CHARIVARIA. 

The  Kvnnnrj  Stnmlnrd,  in  referring 
to  the  money  raised  at  the  last  moment 
for  the  Union  Jack  Club,  mentioned 
that  this  was  largely  owing  to  the 
energetic  appeal  of  "  a  London  morn- 
ing newspaper,  The  Dally  Mail."  We 
had  often  hoard  of  The  Daily  Mail,  and 

wondered  what  it  was. 

*  * 

Old  customs  die  hard.  A  foolish 
habitue  of  the  Central  London  Railway, 
forgetting  that  tickets  now  have  to  In- 
kept  till  the  end  of  the  journey,  threw 
his  into  the  mouth  of  an  official  who 
happened  to  be  yawning  outside  a  lift. 

An  interesting  result  of  raising  the 
fares  is  that  many  more  millionaires 
now  use  the  line.  They  felt  themselves 
unable  to  patronise  it  without  loss  of 
self-respect  when  the  charge  was  only 
twopence.  ^  ^ 

The  portrait  of  the  PRIME  MINISTER 
which  is  shortly  to  be  presented  to  him, 
shows  Sir  HENRY,  we  are  told,  "  in  his 
most  happy  and  characteristic  attitude." 
This  means,  we  take  it,  that  he  is  de- 
picted in  the  act  of  postponing  the 
abolition  of  the  Lords. 

V 

We  are  in  a  position  to  reassure  those 
nervous  persons  who  imagined  that  the 
Injured  Animals  Act,  which  was  before 
the  House  of  Commons  last  week,  was 
an  attempt  to  make  householders  re- 
sponsible for  accidents  to  domestic  pets. 
It  is  not  proposed  to  extend  the  scope 

of  the  Servants'  Charter  vet. 

*  * 

The  CHANCEII/>R  OF  TIDE  EXCHEQUER  has 
made  a  record  haul  from  death  duties 
during  the  twelve  weeks  of  the  current 
financial  year  which  have  just  elapsed. 
It  is  ghoulish  work,  this  making  money 
out  of  dead  men,  and  we  think  that  the 
least  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER 
might  do  is  always  to  wear  decent 
black. 

* 

A  sum  of  four  pounds  six  shillings 
has  been  found  inside  a  shark  which 
was  caught  the  other  day.  It  is  supposed 
that  the  creature  was  on  its  way  to  the 
Dogger  Bank.  ^ 

* 

Sir  JAMES  BARR,  in  his  presidential 
address  at  the  Public  Health  Congress, 
declared  that  we  were  becoming  a  nation 
of  small  heads.  Some  persons,  however, 
hold  the  opposite  view,  and  think  that 

we  urn  Incoming  a  nation  of  fat-heads. 

*  * 

The  fact  that  the  autograph  manu- 
script of  "The  Brook,"  by  the  late 
Lord  TENNYSON,  fetched  as  much  as  £35 
a  page  when  offered  for  sale  by  auction 
has  caused  considerable  pleasure  and 


Little  Girl  (to  complete  stranger).  "  Please,  Sir,  ani  I  oi.l  an  hour  yet  ?  " 


comfort  to  many  young  poeta  whoso 
manuscripts  have  been  returned  to  them 
by  editors. 


V 


Literary  men,  who  are  not  always  as 
versatile  as  they  should  l>e,  are  pointing 
with  pride  to  Mr.  G.  L.  JESSOP,  the 
famous  Limerick  Expert  who  distin- 
guished himself  in  the  Test  Match. 
*  * 

Henley  Regatta  is,  as  any  journalist 
will  tell  you,  our  "  Great  National  Water 
Carnival,"  and  the  weather  entered 


was  presented  to  Queen  VICTORIA,  the 
SPEAKER  proceeded  to  Buckingham  Palace 
in  his  state  coach  "drawn  by  four 
brewer's  drays."  ^  ^ 

The  site  of  the  Old  Bailey  is '  to 
bo  offered  for  sale  by  auction.  It  is 
rumoured  that  a  wealthy  retired  burglar 
intends  to  purchase  it  with  a  view  to 
erecting  thereon,  for  old  association's 
sake,  a  private  residence  for  himself. 

Now  that  the  Jarrow  election  is  over, 


thoroughly  into  the  spirit  of  the  thing  and   he  has  come  out  below  the  Con- 


this  year. 

* 

At  the  Lincobishire  Agricultural  Show 
last  week  awards  were  made  "  to  the 
labourers  in  husbandry  who  had  brought 
,up  the  greatest  number  of  children." 
"  Husbandry "  seems  the  right  word 
here. 


servative  candidate,  we  assume  that  Mr. 
SPENCER  LEIGH  HUGHES  ("Sub  Rosa") 
will  change  his  journalistic  nom  de 

guerre  to  "  Sub  Rose  Innes." 
*  * 

It  was  Kaid  MACLEAN  who  introduced 
bagpipes  into  Morocco.  RAISULI  has 
now  taken  lu's  revenge. 


In  Cheerful  Devonshire. 


One  is  EO  apt  to  think  that  all  the 
wonders  of  locomotion  arc  of  absolutely 
recent  origin  that  we  are  grateful  to  Tlu  FROM 

Dnil;/  \cifs  for   informing   us  that   in   The  Devon  and  Exeter  Daily  Gazette  :- 
18'J7,  when  an  address  of  congratulation  I 


"  Exeter  Police  Court    10.30." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[.Iii.r  10,  1907. 


HISTORICAL     PICTURE. 

A»  F.S.;II«H  iltnnBi  PABTT  re  1907. 


MvouroNS. 


[In  •  dirorre  r»«e  j.int  rrj-.rtr.)  from  Waihington,  U.S.A.,  the  itidee 
fluting  Q»  *«fc'«  petition.  M.I  th«l  the  discontinuance  of  tlie 
-ninf  tod  vrwung  kiu  commuted  cruelty.] 

ARISE.  O  my  suffering  sinters,  arise ! 
Too  long  have  our  spouses 
Been  kings  in  our  houses, 
Too  long  have  we  suffered  with  silence  or  sighs 
WMtgrer  these  monsters  might  choose  to  devise. 

ised  to  be  bright  to  us, 
Fairly  polite  to  un, 
How  we  would  bow  to  them, 
Blindly  kow-tow  to  them ; 
If  they  wc-re  crusty,  as  often  occurred, 
We  turned  away  meekly  and  said  not  a  word. 
Though  our  tender  hearts  were  broken 

By  the  tyrant's  cruel  slights 
Not  a  word  wan  ever  spoken 

Of  the  married  woman's  rights; 
Though  we  pined  for  osculation, 

Did  we  hint  that  we  might  miss 
The  pre-prandial  salutation 
Or  the  matutinal  kiss? 

Ah.  surely  '«•  time  that  our  lessons  were  conned 
That  women  united 
To  get  i  Mgs  righted  ! 

how  our  sinters  across  the  blue  pond 

•>  man  who  f  c 

m.  pine  for  l> 

•' 


1'ly  all  their  arts  for  him, 

liiii^  tlu-ir  hearts  for  him? 

They  take  him  to  court  if  lie  shows  too  much  ] 
And  doesn'l  pmvi-  legally  tender  to  tliem. 
Then  thi-y  full  on  him  with  fury. 

And  their  t.-ars  they  do  not  giudge 
To  a  sympathetic  jury 

And  a  horror-stricken  judge; 
And  a  storm  of  groans  and  hisses 

ts  tlir  \vretrh  who  dares  give  less 
Than  the  statutory  kisses 

And  tin-  law-prescribed  caress. 

Oh,  truly  our  sisters  are  full  of  resource; 
A  cure  they  've  drl.Tt-d 
l-'or  heir 

I  ••  t  us  follow  them  up  in  their  glorious  com 
And  cry,  not  f.,r  fatuous  votes,  l,ut  dm  • 

If  a  man  can't  l>e  brought  \«  d» 

All  that  ho  ought  to  do, 

If  he  refuses  us 

-  us, 

•Jil)"                                     '  shopping,  or  sneers 
At  our  social  nml  kness  for  peers 

If  he  do  not 

...'•  Iragged  to  court, 

" ''  nee 

• 
With  a  lit!  ,!ion 

• 
Like  the  lack  tion, 


PUNCH,   OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JCI.T  10,  1207. 


'FOR   'TIS   THEIR  NATURE   TO." 

BRITANNIA  (to  LORD  CROMER).  "  ACCEPT,  MY  LORD,   THIS  TOKEN  OF  MY  HIGH  APPRECIATION  OF 
YOUR  SPLENDID  SERVICES,   AND  PLEASE   EXCUSE  THE   DOG'S  MANNERS." 

[A  certain  member  of  the  Irish  National  Party  has  announced  his  intention  of  opposing  the  grant  of  £50,000  to  Lord  CROMER  for  exceptional 

sen-ices  rendered  to  the  Empire.] 


JULY  10,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


31 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  or  TOBY,  M.P. 
House     of     Commons,      Monday, 
July  1. — There   are    Heads  of   State 


A  PENCIL-KODAK  or  CAUSTON  (KNIGHT). 

Departments  who  loom  larger  in  the 
public  eye  than  does  the  Chairman  of 
Kitchen  Committee  of  House  of  Com- 
mons. He  has  no  salaried  staff  with 
charges  figuring  in  the  Estimates. 
He  snares  with  CAUSTON  (Knight)  the 
distinction  of  holding  office  without 
pay.  In  CAUSTON  's  case  there  is  a 
touch  of  irony  (hat  embitters  situa- 
tion. On  the  principle  that  he  who 
drives  fat  oxen  should  himself  be 

fat,    reasonable    to    expect         

PAYMASTER-GENERAL  would 
quarterly  hand  over  to 
himself  a  heavy  purse.  Not 
a  penny  of  it.  Similarly 
ALFRED  JACOBY  (Knight) 
receives  no  recompense  for 
his  tireless,  endless  ser- 
vices other  than  the  ap- 
proval of  his  conscience, 
and  meditation  on  benefits 
bestowed  upon  his  fellow 
men. 

Crowning  result  of  per- 
fect organisation,  origi- 
nality of  conception  and 
dauntless  daring,  is  crea- 
tion of  the  Shilling  Dinner.. 
Predecessors  in  the  Kit- 
chen Chair  thought  they 
deserved  well  of  their 
country  as  represented  at 
Westminster  when  they 
served  Hnlf  a-crown  Din- 


ners. With  that  hankering  after 
severity  of  style  that  marks  the 
loftiest  nature,  JACOBY  yearned  for 
the  sweet  simplicity  of  the  shilling- 
piece.  After  many  experiments  in 
horseflesh  and  canned  meats,  he 
achieved  the  desired  end.  To-day 
HARRY  CHAPLIN  or  other  gourmets 
below  Gangway  may  obtain  a  sub- 
stantial meal  on  the  tariff  known  in 
popular  seaside  resorts  as  "  a  bob  a 
nob." 

A  touch  of  genius  is  indicated  in 
the  freedom  of  choice  permitted  in 
the  way  of  nomenclature.  You  may, 
as  wayward  fancy  dictates,  ask  for 
Haricot  de  Mouton,  Saddle  of  Lamb, 
Sirloin  of  Beef,  Veal  and  Chicken 
Pie,  Roast  Pork  (with  Crackling),  or 
Irish  Stew.  The  foundation  will  be 
"  the  same  old  "oss,"  or  the  never- 
failing  Armour-plated  product  from 
Chicago.  There,  set  before  you, 
labelled  as  you  ordered  it,  and  tasting 
something  like  it — with  two  vegeta- 
bles, bread  ad  libitum,  and  free  use 
of  the  castors — is  the  appetising 
meal,  all  for  a  shilling. 

In  a  memorable  passage  of  speech 
delivered  on  eve  of  his  downfall,  Sir 
ROBERT  PEEL  hoped  he  "  might  leave 
a  name'  sometimes  remembered  in 
those  places  which  are  the  abode 
of  men  whose  lot  it  is  to  labour 
and  earn  their  daily  bread  by  the 
sweat  of  their  brow — a  name  re- 
membered with  expressions  of  good- 
will when  they  shall  recreate  their 
exhausted  strength  with  abundant 
and  untaxed  food."  That,  in  ap- 
propriately varied  phrase,  expresses 
JACOBY'S  aspiration.  When  —  may 
the  time  be  far  distant ! — his  bust  is 
enshrined  with  those  of  other  great 
Parliamentarians  in  the  approaches 


to  the  House,  it  will  need  no  other 
inscription  than  the  line : 

He  gave  them  a  Shilling  Dinner. 

But  revenons  d  no*  moutons.  At 
Question  time  combined  international 


"FonTY  YEARS  OK."     ITAi;nmv  A  nn.irnrs. 
(ilr.  P.  M.  Th-rnt-n,  M.P.  for  Clapliam). 


WELSH  LAUB. 
"  Bees  began  it." 

attack  was  made  upon  Chairman  of 
Kitchen  Committee  on  score  of  mut- 
ton. REES  began  it.  Wanted  to 
know  why  Canterbury  lamb  should 
displace  Welsh  mutton  in  the  kitchen 
of  the  British  House  of  Commons? 

Chairman  diplomatically  replied 
that  Welsh  mutton  is  on  sale  in  the 
London  markets  between  October 
and  March,  when  he  will  see  that 
supplies  are  ordered.  As  House 
does  not,  save  in  excep- 
tional circumstances,  sit  in 
the  period  indicated,  this 
comfort  was  (as  mutton 
sometimes  is)  cold. 

Even  so,  why  should 
Wales  claim  monopoly  of 
thre  best  mutton  ? 

DEWAB  insisted  that 
there  is  nothing  like  Scotch 
black  -  faced  mutton. 
Taken  in  conjunction  with 
a  noggin  of  a  certain  brand 
of  whisky,  it  supplies  am- 
brosial feast. 

Mr.  WEIR,  in  bass 
voice  throbbing  with  emo- 
tion, hymned  the  praise  of 
\\Yst  Highland  mutton; 
whilst  O'SiiAffiHNESsY  put 
in  a  word  for  Irish  mutton 
lircd  and  fed  on  the  Cur- 
rafjh. 

"  The       suggestions      of 


M 


ITNCH.  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


'.Tti.v  10,  1907. 


.-••-.'•.  Mid 

with  command- 
il  '  klmM    have 

my  best  at- 

lluunru        done.   - 
!:.'•' 

Noposal  to  reduce  Tea 
.)uty  to  4d..  Ministerial 
ijority  itself  reduced  to 

Turtday.  —  Have   occa- 
sionally heard  of  domestic 
labit  of  burning  a  candle 
•t  both  ends.     Ho  main 
•'ABKR  (0.  H.)  to  oooc- 
variation    of   familiar    alle- 
gory. Protesting  against  in- 
t  in  Death  Duties,  he 
accused      CHAXfELLoR 
KM  IIWJCER  of  "  squeezing 
the  orange  at  both  ends." 
Suggested  action  a  little 
obscure.     Is  the  peel  cut  at 
x>th    ends    and     pressure 
applied    to  the  centre'.1   «r 
do  we.  in  the  mind's  • 
Horatio,    behold    Anyi'mi. 
laving  caused  an  incision  t<> 
x>    made    midway    in    the 
rind,   api>!  -sure  at 

both  ends?  I'leascd  with 
of  this  new  ima- 
gery, FABER  went  on  to  pic- 
ture a  millionaire  standing 
in  a  convenient  but  un- 
place  "  for  every 
daw  to  peck  at."  ll>  n-, 
again,  dubiety  attends  flight 
of  untrained  fancy.  \\  by  should,  a 
daw  peck  at  a  millionaire  more  than 
at  an  insurance  broker  ? 

Talk  through  long  sitting  full  of 
points  of  personal  interest.  ATSTI.N 
(  IUMBERLAIX  sought  sympathy  of  fel- 
low man  on  score  that  he  could  not 
effect  domestic  sen-ants'  insurance 
at  lower  rate  than  £'1.  Several 
Members  born  under  happier  aut-i 
declared  they  had  done  the  trick  at 
half-a-crown. 

"Yes,"  said  ACSTEN,  gloomily; 
"  but  there's  the  outside  person  who 
cleans  your  windows." 

Had  given  much  thought  to  the 
subject,  spent  valuable  mornings 
contemplating  difficulty,  tossed  about 
on  his  bed  through  so-called  summer 
nights  in  vain  endeavour  to  evade  it. 
Admitted  complete  failure, 
the  outside  person  perched  on  the 
window-sill,  threatening  sudden  do- 
scent,  "crossed  his  vision,"  as  the 
late  MARKISS  said  about  the  house- 
Hope*  and  aspirations  in  the 
•till  young,  once  happy,  household 
blasted. 

HOWUM.  with  cheery 
mism  that  recalled  memories  of  his 
lamented  parent,  attempted  to  turn 


AC«TU    ISTIODtCEC  IUE  "  OtTSlDE   PEUSON." 

flow  of  thought  from  this  melancholy 


A  Rcuta  or  TUB  SEAS. 

n  and  Van  Trump  in  On*. 
(Mr.  O-rg»  L-int  r.l  of  th» 

Admiralty.) 


.•himm-l.    Mentioned  n  but- 
ler "f  his  aoQuaintaiMM  who 

found   himself  on   death   of 
M.illiona.  r   left 

Hvell       As 

ornil,     not     insensible     to 

•     ,.\(-r    pi 

ings    by    A  i  ireiiry 

,   'pricked     up     when 
r,1P\\  i.i  -i     mentioned     that 
the      butler      paid      1 
M  at  the  rate  of  1 
nt. 

i    look  how  inic)n 
tlii-      working     of     the 
iMiry  under  direction  of 
Liberal  ('n  \M  i  r.i.oii  OK  TIIK 
:IKOI  i.it.        Had    the    !••;.: 
:     .11    oil    tilt- 
other  bix.t,  had  the  butler, 
grateful     for     many     kind- 
.-.  i\rd  at  the  hand 
of  his  master,   eonsr: 
the     appropriation     of     an 

:ll   bottle  of   \ 

\\ine  and  the  premature 
withdrawal  from  p-neral 

.f  remains  of 

of  cigars,  left  \\\<  savings 
to  his  muster,  what  men- 
sure  of  IVath  Duties  would 
he  levied'.'  Why,  only  two 
per  eelit.  ' 

.  M.I  MlKI-:s.  :i  star 
till  l-'lollt  (  )ppositi<iii  lielieli, 
took  up  the  wondrous  tale. 
I'oint.-d  to  s\>tematic  mal- 
versation of  property 
pense  of  revenue  in  vogue  among 
jwners  of  art  treasures.  If  they 
retain  tlu-ir  pri/.  hing  tin- 

country    with    their    p  their 

death  will  be  the  signal   for  (  II\N 

CELLOII   OK    KxcHKyrKIl   to    pop    ill   and 
heavy   toll.       Ru.<  UUIKS   hinted 
at   existence    of     a    movement    that 
will     presently    <h  n,i  !••      Knglai 
much    that    is   <1- :tr    t  .    it.      O 
of  notable  art  collections  secretly  go 
abroad,    carrying    with     them     bag- 
gage of  inordinate  dimensions,    'i 
are  heirlooms  in  the  shape  of  pri 
pictures  which  they  sell,  not  only  in 
the  United  States,'  but   in  (len, 
Fnuice.    Austria.    "  even    Spain    and 
Italy."    Thus  their  heirs  an-  richer  bv 
evasion  of   Heath  Duties,  mid  Kngland 
is  poorer  by  the  loss  of  mastei; 
handed  down  through  t ' 

Itiminr**  done.-  Still  in  Committee 

oil    lillilget   Hill. 

I'nilnj    niijlit.-    "  C'url    my    whis- 
;     Mr.     ITSN,    mop- 
ping his  manly  brow  ns  hi-  returned 
• .  having  succeeded  in  bring- 
bis  Hill  providing  for  taking  a 

1  ballot  «t  Parliamentary 

Am  glad  //iii(  '*  over." 
i.-iinly    proved     rather    compli- 


JULY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


33 


THE    REGATTA   SEASON.     HINTS   TO    BEGINNERS. 

FOR   ANYONE   QOINQ   OUT  ALONE  THERE   IS   NOTHING   LIKE   A   CANADIAN  CANOE.      IT   IS   SO   EAST  TO   SWING   ROUND   IN   A   CONFINED   SPACE. 


cated  procedure.  Leave  having  been 
obtained  to  introduce  the  bantling, 
SPEAKER  put  usual  question,  "Who  is 
prepared  to  bring  in  this  Bill?  " 

Taken  aback  at  such  unnecessary 
inquiry,  Mr.  DUNN  rather  tartly  an- 
swered, "I  do  myself." 

Amid  much  merriment  from  bored 
House,  grateful  for  slightest  diver- 
sion, several  members  explained  that 
hi'  should  cite  the  names  of  sponsors 
of  Bill  indorsed  upon  the  back  of  it. 
This  done,  Mr.  DUNN  set  out  on  a  trot 
to  the  Table.  Hilarious  shout  of 
"Bar!  Bar!"  filled  the  Chamber. 
Doubling  back,  he  reached  the  Bar, 
and,  turning  about,  made  once  more 
for  Table. 

Troubles  not  yet  over.  Etiquette 
demands  that  Member  bringing  in 
Bill  shall  halt  midway  between  Bar 
and  Table,  and  make  obeisance  to 
the  Chair.  In  bewilderment  of  the 
moment  Mr.  DUNN  forgot  this ;  was 
brought  up  by  shout  of  "Chair! 
Chair!"  "  Bow!  Bow!" 

Gasping  for  breath,  with  a  hunted 
look  in  his  eyes,  a  spasmodic  drawing 
in  of  the  parched  lip1;,  the  Member 
for  Camborne  succee  led  in  control- 
ling his  trembling  knees  long  enough 


to  bend  his  head.  This  over,  he 
without  further  adventure  handed  in 
his  Bill. 

Business  done. — Mr.  DUNN'S. 


ON    DELIA-SINGING. 

(A  Study  in  conflicting  emotions.) 

WHEN  DELIA  sings,  so  grandly  floats 
The  cadence  of  her  silvery  notes 
So  wondrous  fair  she  is  to  see 
(However  wide,  her  mouth  may  be), 
That  soft,  sweet  dreams  of  harps  and 

things 
Subdue  the  soul,  when  DELIA  sings. 

For  if  the  song  is  low  and  sad 

She  can  make  strong  men  cry  like 

mad; 

Or  gay,  her  dainty  archness  wiles 
An  audience  till  it  smiles  and  smiles; 
And  oft  her  lullabies  have  drawn, 
Ev'n  from  Society,  a  yawn. 

And  as  with  tranced  ears  I  drink 
Her  music  in  I  always  think 
(Or  nearly  always)  how  divine. 
How  flawless,  is  this  girl  of  mine ; 
Indeed,  to  muse  on  angels'  wings. 
Is  quite  the  rule,  when  DELIA  sings. 

But  when  my  DELIA  madly  turns 
To  songs  of  Love — of  Love  that  burns 


And    stings    and   yearns — of    bygone 

bliss — 
Of   those    last   hours   and    that   last 

kiss — 

Ah  me  !  I  am  not  all  at  ease 
When    DELIA    tackles    themes    like 

these. 

For  then,  before  a  crowded  room, 
She  stands  in  all  her  maiden  bloom, 
While  from  that  peerless  larynx  gush 
Words    that    would    make    a   turkej 

blush ; 

And  solemn  is  the  doubt  that  springs 
Into  my  mind,  when  DELIA  sings. 
Maybe  she  does  it  unawares; 
Maybe  she  little  knows  (or  cares) 
Half  what  those  awful  words  convey  : 
I  'm  sure  I  hope  so,  anyway ; 
For  otherwise  she  'd  hardly  go 
And  sing  them  coram  popvlo. 
And  yet — such  force  those  words  in- 
spire ; 

Such  passion — such  familiar  fire — 
That    solemn    questions    come    un- 
sought, 
Whether    she's     quite     the     girl     I 

thought ! — 
Such  is  the  grave,  grave  doubt  that 

wrings 
My  trusting  heart,  when  DELIA  sings. 

Don-Don. 


ITNVII.  ()U  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


;.Tiiv  1".  1907. 


AMERICA    IN     LONDON. 

Ox>   wooden    if    the    autboi 
Italian  Opera  (  *  gra«t 

,k   out    such    title*   as 
Rift!  ra.  4c.    It  look*  easy, 

MM    then     is     this     advantae 
xxrowing    the    nan.-  of  the  leading 
character    that    at    least    your    title 

Batio  in  Matchrra  tht-re  is  not  even 
this  ii  ••  masked  ball  does 

not  begin  till  well  on  into  the  thin) 
tour.     Tbaonl  for  it  (histori- 

cally.  that  is  to  say.  for  ai 
serves  in  Opera  for  tin    mtr.~l 
o(  a  ballet)  was  the  assassination  of 

Ilk     THIRD     of 

:  -n  nt  one  of  these  entertain- 
ment* towards  t  of  the 
eighth-nth  i-.-iitiiry.  But  the  Italian 
censor  raised  difficulties,  and  BO  there 
liad  to  be  a  change  of  names  and 
:>laces.  The  scene  was  n.  •  •  1  ;•• 
Boston;  Guttactii  became  J-.'.irl  ••/ 
Warwick,  Governor;  u!u)  by  a  happy 
inspiration  the  names  of  Tomma«<> 
M  t«>  the  local 
-«•  had  to 

be  changed,  so  cosmic  wan  the 
scheme  in  its  applicability  to  just  any 
.  in  the  world.  1  assume 
that 

tained,  and  that  the  Stuart  costumes 
were  an  archaic  affectation. 

The    theme,    as    usual    in    Italian 
Opera,    is   of    the    most   depressing. 
.(.-    th<-    .  -lie  in 

the  setting  of  tin-  funereal  lines: 

Hoar'rt  tbou  not,  •  illi  thrilling  naand. 
Thaw  drath  hLr  acrroU  ling  around  ? 

while,  on  the  other  hand,  the  ballet 
was  the  gloomiest  feature  of  the 
evening.  Signor  CARCBO  kindly  sup- 
plied the  comic  relief.  The  Governor 
of  Boston  had  come  for  a  consulta- 
tion in  palmistry,  and,  as  is  custo 
marv  with  i'ro-consuls  when  bound 

•     .       '  •        •     :         i         i    ,  I 

disguised  himself  in  the  following 
costume:  —  The  top  half  of  a  night- 
shirt, the  lower  half  of  a  suit  of 
striped  pyjamas  turned  up  very  high 
on  the  wit  leg  on  account  of  the  rain, 
•nd  an  enormous  cummerbund  which 
riveted  the  eye  upon  the  generous 
contour  of  his  middle.  All  this  did 
not  seem  to  affect  his  voice,  which 
was  at  the  top  of  its  quality. 

Mile.  SCALAR,  as  the  ui 
Amelia  (translated  into  Adelia  in  the 
English    version — a  very  subtle   dis- 
tinction), sang  with  good  it/ 
a  rather  rasping  voice.     She  ga-. 

reasion     of    being     in    pain 
rather   than    in    1 

•  ui  rampo  abbvminato,  when  -lie  has 
to  let  her  lover  know  thst 
band  may  overhear  them  unl--*.- 


:ed  warn.: 
,s    absolute!] 

Milittn  i.-       I 

BO  loud   Ml 
..billl.l 


TllE    BOCTOKUN   Ci'SSMCAToBS. 

Ifeaara.  Tom  Journet  anil  Sam  Mnrcoui. 
(The  latter  net  to  Le  confuted  with  Sommarco.) 

must  have  recognised  her,  veil  or  no 
veil. 

Mile.  SK.I.MA  KTRZ,  as  0«car  the 
page,  had  a  lightish  part,  and  sang  it 
just  like  a  skylark.  Madame  t>i 

-  was  an  excellent   I'lrica;  and 


A  BOTIM 
Signor  Caroao,  Ooreroor  of  Boston. 

•onering  is  clearly  her  metier.     I  was 
n  little  sorry  for  Signor  SAMMARCO  in 

•'•If  of  the  loyal  Renatn.      He 

cannot  hdp  sinking  well,  but  he  was 

:ipj>y   in   the  matter  of   his   fine 

clothes  or  his  honesty.     And  besides, 

to  be  a  Creole,  and  yet  have  Arragon 

•  ntivc  country  (as  the  book 

•«)  is  always  a  rail 
binat 


EDUCATIONAL  UPHOL8TBBY. 

I.i.HI"   !;•  uellt 

tlmt  he  was  ill  the  hiihit  of  usinj-  tin- 

i.f    Sir    \VAI.IKK  us    a 

pillow    hn*.    like    nil    the    pronounce- 

of    the     S.i^'i-    of    the     I>lir 

•,  .1   a  r  :   attention  in 

literal  Mr.  1'nnrli  hfis 

i  tliat  tin  ise  of 

n    lnKiks    and 

furniture,  but  that  there  is  a  growing 

,cy     to     inaiiiif  act  lire     af 
contrived,  in  the  \\^nls  of  the  jx>et, 
n  doulili 

Thus     .V  •  de- 

signed and  ileilica' 

'  :ield  sofa, 

on  the  cushions  of  which  his  famous 

sp.-ecll,      delivered      lit      that      ll 

town,  is  emhi  white 

and  blue. 

Messrs.       fiKANVII.I.K       P.  \HKl.U      are 

exhibiting     a     han  Niet/sche 

overmantel  with  n  panel  hand- 
painted  portrait  of  Mr.  HKKNAKD 
SHAW  in  the  In  tins  con- 

n  we  mav  also  note  the  tasteful 
evervinantel 

DBKT,    and    the    T-  .rand- 

father  clock  patented  by  Sir  WAI.TKR 

r  i  Co. 

Messrs.     HOOI-KR     AND 
specialists      in      lr  furniture, 

have  an  immense  variety  of  ingeni- 
ous and  attractive  articles  on  view  in 
their  splendid  show-rooms.     \V. 
first  notice  the  Blackfriars  bed- 
the  mattress  of  which  is  secured  \>\ 
powerful  Bud  ill  ends,  while 

the  legs  are  made  of  s 
wood,   and   an   alarum    Hell   is 
within   easy   reach   of   the   occupant. 
The    bolster    is    sumptuously    stuffed 
with  carefully  selected   pudding,   the 
blankets   are' of    the    l"--t    American 
make,  and  each  purcha  |. plied 

with  a  complete  set  of  Supplement 
sheets,  a  suit  of  Garil.aldi  pyjamas, 
and  a  thousand  -  and  -••:;••  \rahiun 
night-lights,  the  whole  outfit  beinj; 
onered  for  »;  :ieial  sum  of 

£3  18*.    Me-sr<.    IlooIT.K  AND  JA. 

are  also  evliil.itin;,'  a  mas-ive    1 
clopx-dic   Ottoman,   several   copies   of 
which  have  1-  My  supplied  to 

the  Sultan  of  TniKi.v.  The  design 
is,  we  believe,  borrowed  from  the 
MAIKKN/.II  \VAI.I.M  i:  collection,  but 
for  the  tasteful  execution  Messrs. 
HO..M  it  \M>  ,!AI  KS..N  are  solely  re- 
sponsible. Though  So!i;ewliat  Coin- 
ill  its  structure,  the  Ottoman, 
whi'h  is  richly  upholstered  in  three- 
quarter  Levant,  i  dly  imle- 
stnictibli',  ami,  as  Sir  IAN  11  \MII.TON 
t.-rsely  remarks,  uniti'S  the  amenities 
of  a  library  with  the  protection  of  a 
•  n. 


JULY  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


35 


LITERARY    ENTERPRISE. 

[The  Publishers'  Circular  states  that  Mr. 
WILLIAM  HKINEMANN  re  -cully  received  an 
application  from  a  Ne  v  York  clippings  syndi- 
cate. The  application  was  addressed  to 
KRAXC  E-iCO  FETBAKCII  and  invited  him  to  apply 
for  their  services.  The  explanation  is  given 
that  a  notice  of  a  work  of  his  prompts  iho 
sending  of  this  card.  It  appears  from  the 
subjjine.l  com-s|»j:icln. ice,  however,  that  Ameri- 
can enterprise  is  not  confined  to  one  house.] 

JOHN  MILTON,  ESQ. 

DEAR  SIR, — We  believe  that  you 
have  recently  entered 
the  literary  profession. 
We  venture  to  doubt, 
however,  whether  you 
have  been  put  on  the 
right  lines,  and  there- 
fore invite  you  to  apply 
for  our  book,  Litera- 
ture as  a  Profession, 
from  which  you  will 
gain  many  valuable 
hints  on  how  to  dispose 
of  your  wares.  "  Poetry 
Writing  in  Twelve  Easy 
Lessons  "  is  a  course 
which  wo  particularly 
recommend ;  and  we 
shall  bo  glad  to  receive 
your  instructions  for  the 
forwarding  of  this  work 
per  next  mail. 

Yours  faithfully, 
Tin-:  PUSH  &  PKINT  Co. 

W.  WORDSWORTH,  ESQ. 
SIR, — We  understand 
that  you  are  interested 
in  excursions,  and  we 
herewith  beg  to  enclose 
descriptive  literature  of 
our  popular  tours.  We 
would  direct  particular 
attention  to  a  week  in 
the  Lake  District  for 
four  guineas,  including 
meat  breakfast  each  day 
and  coach  drives.  If, 
however,  you  should 
care  to  write  us,  we 
would  be  pleased  to 
quote  you  for  short-date 
tickets  to  any  spot  on 
this  side. 

We  are  yours  faithfully, 
YALE'S  TOURS,  LTD.  (British  Dept.) 

SAMCEL  JOHNSON,  ESQ. 

DEAR  SIR, — We  herewith  enclose 
our  booklet,  Advertisements  and  how 
to  irrite  them,  and  shall  be  pleased 
to  include  you  amongst  our  pupils. 
\\  hy  write  dictionaries  when  you  can 
earn  a  substantial  income  in  a  much 
more  pleasant  way?  Mail  us  by 
return  for  full  particulars. 
THE  TRISCO  ADVERTISING  ACADEMY. 

Remember,  a  letter  to  us  costs 


ALEXANDER  POPE,  ESQ. 

DEAR  SIR, — A  published  photo- 
graph of  yourself,  which  reached  us 
per  last  mail,  shows  you  as  wearing  a 
covering  for  your  head,  and  we  trust 
we  shall  not  be  considered  imperti- 
nent if  we  enquire  if  this  is  used  to 
hide  baldness?  If  so,  may  we  re- 
commend to  your  notice  our  Mexi- 
coco  for  the  Hair,  in  bottles,  at  25c., 
50c.,  and  one  dollar.  We  guarantee 
this  agreeable  preparation  to  produce 
a  growth  of  hair  in  a  week.  We  need 


would  be  good  enough  to  quote  us 
lowest  possible  terms  for  a  series  of 
fifty  lectures,  to  be  delivered  hern 
next  fall.  The  lectures  would  be 
accompanied  by  readings  from  your 
works,  and  might  be  illustrated  with 
limelight  views.  Assuring  you  of 
our  best  services, 

We  are,  dear  Sir, 

Yours  respectfully, 

TUB     SASKATCHEWAN     EXPLOITATION 
Co.,  LTD. 


LEIGH  HUNT,  ESQ. 

SIR, — May  we  ven- 
ture to  enquire  with  all 
possible  delicacy 
whether  we  could  be  of 
service  to  you  in  tho 
way  of  a  small  loan? 
We  understand  that 
circumstances  have 
more  than  once  involved 
you  in  temporary  diffi- 
culties, and  venture  to 
address  you.  Apolo- 
gising for  this  intrusion, 
we  are,  with  all  respect, 

THE  OHIO  CREDIT  BANK. 


Mrs.  Pashington-Disky.  "Now,   DEAR  LORD  BELCOURT,  DO  TELL  ME  TOU 'LL 

BE    A  NICE,   KIND  -  ER—  NICE  AND  KIND,   AND   OPES   OCR   LITTLE   BAZAAB." 

Lord  Beleourt.   "  WELL,  UNFORTUNATELY  I  'M    RATHER   BVST   i*  THE   UPPER 
HOUSE  JCST  NOW.     Bur    I'LL   DO    so    WITH  THE  GREATEST  OF  PLEASURE- AS 

6OON    AS   EVER  WE'RE  ABOLISHED!" 


Fashions  from  Coventry. 

"  BUTTONS  are  at  their 
best  in  painted  poree- 
laine,  and  some  of  the 
Parisian  Diamond  Em- 
pire and  Louis  Seize 
buttons  are  quite  per- 
fect. Two  or  four  of 
these  buttons  make  a 
dress."  —  Women  at 
Home. 

Latest  Ducal  Costume. 

"  All  wore  official  uniform 
save  Mr.  WIIITELAW  REID,  who 
was,  as  always,  in  ordinary 
evening  garb.  The  Duke  of 
SOMERSET  came  in  a  short 
interlude  from  yachting." 
Daily  Telegraph. 

NOT    too    short, 
hope. 


we 


not  emphasize  the  value  to  one  of 
your  profession  of  having  a  luxuriant 
growth. 

Yours  faithfully, 
THE  HAIR  WASHINGTON  Co. 
Head  Office,  Auburn,  New  York. 

• 

EDMUND  SPENSER,  ESQ. 

DEAR  SIR, — We  beg  to  offer  our  feli- 
citations on  the  success  of  your 
Faerie  Queen,  which  we  are  informed 
has  already  run  into  several  editions. 
We  now  write  you  to  enquire  if  you 


Blondin  Redivivus. 
THE  ball  looked  like  going  to  the 
boundary,  but  was  wonderfully  well 
saved  by  NOURSE,  who  ran  at  top 
speed  along  the  pavilion  rails.— 
Evening  News. 

Cricket  in  a  Hurry. 
SCHWARZ  met  with  immediate  suc- 
cess, HARDINOE  rushing  out  to  his 
second  ball,  missing  it,  and  being 
bowled  before  the  next  batsman 
could  arrive. — Ulster  Echo. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE 
(By  A/' 
THE  publio   »•   badly   spoilt  by  >• 

ransgresses   the   page-limit 
.alified  (or  boring.     Mr. 


ITS'  11    ,.u   TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Jou  i". 


and    a 
run- 


tut.-     for   tli.«    cireiilatinn     library   or   The 
lint;   tli:it    tli'  ii   has 

,rs,  tliis  indicates  u  remarkable 


If  Mr-.    I'-  MI.I.IK  H 

111  I 


^gkort    HKiXE»u*x)hasadec, 

as  discursive  as  Ptndtnmit  and  as  dilatory  as  ST 

the  author  moves  us  from  place  to  place, 
giving  a  glimpse  here,   and  a  snatch  of  conversation 

here!  and   alftne   time  with  a  curious   affectation  of 
manner:  sentence*  that  began  as  narrative  end  m  the 
words— the  very  exact  words— of  a  supposed  speaker; 
.ces  are  maintained  that  the  story  i 
not  fiction  at  all.  and  that  the  author  dorsn  t  know 
what  is  going  to  happen  any  more  than  you  do  (as  fc 
himself  would  probably  put  it).      So  we  get  a  cumber- 
loitering   narrative.      But  the  matter,  in  t- 
observation,  insight,  and    humanity,  is  boyot 
praise.     The  i 

>f  a  curio-ring,  and 
an  old-world  romance 

•f  a  great  house  that 

ias  become  a  dusty 
studio  in  Soho,  are 
woven  into  a  delight- 

ully  meticulous  study 
of  common  hut 

letitly  hkcnbk-  char- 
acters of  yesterday. 

Charlct  the  unsuc- 
cessful artist  (but 
successful  no-. 

1'tggy  who  strokes  his 

bair,  and  Alice  of  the 

broker  4  who 

develops       into       so 

charming   a   heroine, 

are  people  we  really 

must    get    to    kuow 

(to  take  another  dip 

into      the      author  s 

ink);  and  those  who 

have     read      Joteph 

Vance    will   certainly 

not    be  disappointed. 

It  is  a  book  that  is  bet  t«-r  taken  in  doses,  and  one  wishes  [for  the  most  part   among   tlu.se 

. 
scribe  it  without  hesitation  to  all  who  can  take  romance 


>8  ever  writes  a  [.lay  showing 
.i)  of  character  nn.i 


fidelity  to  life  as  A  /'»//  Hirl'*  Destiny  ilhi.ii: 

,\e  an  i:  lure  to  M. 

iiiKl.K.      Mrs.  Kr.lNoI.ns  i>  one  of  the  happy  : 
who  know  that  the  humanity  and  irony  and 
life    art'    ehielly    due    to    the    stupid,    selfish,    everyday 
dullards,  with  whom  you  and  I— with  our  brighter  parts 
and     nobler    impulses— are     constrained     to     Inc.      The 
heroine  of  her  hook  not  only  is  meant  to  be  but  is  the 
reverse   of   dull.     The   epithet    rightly    belongs    to    the 
respectable   nonentities   who   hurl    it    ai    h.  r.     'I 
where  th«-  fun  comes  in — for  the  ;  While  tl 

using  and  abusing  her  as  a  slow-witted  incon- 

derella,   she   is   actu- 
ally writing,  under  it 
pseudonym,   a   bril- 
liant series  of  l 
which  are  the  talk  of 

dearly 

beloved    friends    and 
relatives,     who     look 
more  foolish  and  un- 
amiable     than       • 
when   her  identi: 
at       la>t      <i 
IJather      riViiz      jru, 
this  affair  of  the 

iid  author,  but  it 

Well    ns 

a   peg   on    which 
hang     the     autl 

re  on  dull  superi- 
ority,    win-rein 
the   real   strength   of 
her    excellent    book. 


"  BOOTS." 

PTTDT  or  A  Horn,  nr  THE  HROIIT  or  THI  PAQEJLKT 


Mf>      Of      7/I.S 
/.ll(/l/'.-i      I'  If': 

.  1  .  V.  \Yiirri:)  is  laid 
numelfss    creeks    and 


by  sips,  instead  of  the  usual  spasmodic  gulp. 

/'r,  ii  y    •  I."Mi»usB)    reminds  me  of  one  of 


but  we  pre-  islands  on  the  west  coast  of  Africa,  where  fever  will 
polish  you  off  in  a  fortnight  unless  you  happen  to  be  the 
hero  or  his  friend.  The  theme  is  a  quest  tor  a  derelict 
vessel  which  has  a  valuable  eargo.  One  t,l  the  ,\ 


:r..i.t  of  barrel-organs  dear 


mil  up, 


presented  a 


• 

to  childh 

group  of 

making  lo\e.      l !. 

dramatu  pertona  Was 

-.   In  tl 

t  •tateli  oouofc      . 

endowed,  a  girl  of  peerless  beat.  .M.>  out  to  be 

!  their  early  love :  a  country  lout  who  becomes 
a  famouR  -,  love*   the    peerless    beauty,  marries 

another  girl  whom  he  neglects 

;  here  are 
will    suffic 


•loured  figures,  dancing,   fighting,  or 

the  countenances  of  the 

titablc  for  any  of  these 
y  paw*  of  this  portly  book  we  have 
i  a  past;  an  actress  similarly 


and  is  finally  shot  by  his 

•  ,  •    •      •   .  •  •  •  .    . 


flesh  nor  bloo 
the  stat< 

• 


\ 


goes  after  it  because  he  wants  moi  et  married  with, 

and  the    other    because  he  wants.  1  people  who 

sample  the  deserts  of  Africa  in  Mr.  .\I\s..\'s  !>• 
show  his  lady  what  he  is  made  of.     Mr.  II  \U"i.i>  HIND- 
LOSS,  the  author,  seems  to  know    the  country   and   its 
perils   so   well   that   he   is   loth    t 

there.      At  any  rate  they  are    I  -h  about   it  to 

make  you  wan't  to  lighten  the  freight  by  jettisoning 
three  oha]  m^.     It  w  .ul.i  n 

ficing  glimpses  of  several  tolerably  . 
but,  after  all,  the  story  is  the  tl 


NEW  name   for  the 


and  Sharo  Market  in  times  ol 


dismay  :      Th'-  Shu'k  and  Stare  Market. 

What  a  Policy  she  will  Want. 

abstniner;  economi- 
U'"od  mana-er."     Muni'my  I 


1 


JCLY  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


Colonel  Lackland  (uninsured).  "ANYBODY  HURT,  TUOMAS?"  Tltomas.  "Miss  UANCKLA,  SIB,  A  BIT  SIUKBS." 

Colonel.  "  TCT,  TUT  !    I  DON'T  HAVE  TO  PAT  ON  Miss  ANGELA.    ABE  rov  INJURED  ?  " 


THE  CALENDAR  BROUGHT  UP 
TO  DATE. 

IT  has  long  been  felt  th'at  the 
nomenclature  of  the  months  has  be- 
come inappropriate  and  misleading, 
and  the  following  list  of  new  names 
has  been  recommended:  — 
•  JAY  is  the  suggested  name  for  the 
first  month,  as  being  brisk  and 
snappy,  with  a  touch  of  New- 
Yearishness  about  it,  and-  a  hint  of 
the  May-like  weather  that  sets  in  the 
day  after  most  people  have  bought 
their  new  skates. 

FKBIU-NK  links  together  the  idea  of 
rain  and  frost  with  that  of  the  Mid- 
summer softness  (or  madness)  which 
is  often  experienced  about  the  middle 
of  the  month,  say  on  the  14th. 

MARTEMBER  is  a  tribute  to  the  swel- 
tering heat  of  an  early  Easter,  which 
not  infrequently  follows  a  blustering 
Lent. 

APVEMBER  is  the  fourth  month, 
and  means  that  the  Summer  is  really 
over  for  good  by  this  time. 

MAICH  represents  the  tail  of 
March,  which  is  so  often  lashed  in 
the  faces  of  those  who  put  aside 
their  overcoats  too  soon. 


JUNUARY  is  a  blend  of  frost  and 
foliage,  long  days  and  still  longer 
coal-bills. 

JULOBER  is  a  reminder  that  in  the 
midst  of  Summer  we  are  in  Autumn. 

AUGRIL  does  not  exclude  the  idea 
of  a  broiling  day  or  two,  but  warns 
the  public  to  look  out  for  rain  and 
hail. 

SEPTUARY  signifies  the  blending  of 
Autumnal  peace  with  the  fury  and 
the  floods  of  Winter. 

OCTULY  is  the  time  when  people 
have  got  home  from  the  sea-side,  and 
the  weather  clears  up  and  behaves 
nicely  for  a  time. 

NOVEMBER  is  the  one  name  left  un- 
changed, the  general  feeling  being 
that  the  eleventh  month  has  always 
been  as  bad  as  possible.  The  old 
adage  connected  with  this  month  has 
been  amended  as  follows:  — 

"  Please  to  remember 

The  filth  of  November." 
DECEMBUST  is  the  last  month  of  the 
year,  when  people  can  sit  on  the 
grass  or  lie  in  hammocks.  The  name 
has  therefore  a  touch  of  August  in 
it,  and  at  the  same  time  gives  a  hint 
of  the  exuberant  cheerfulness  associ- 
ated with  the  festive  season. 


It  has  also  been  suggested  that 
the  four  seasons  should  be  renamed 
as  follows :  — 

SPRINTER,      SUMTUMN,      AUPRINO, 

WlNTUMMER. 


IT  is  a  hard  thing  of  the  Daily  Di»- 
patch,  but  very  soothing  to  the  police, 
to  publish  a  portrait  of  the  Earl  of 
CADOGAN  "  wearing  the  State  jewels 
and  decoration  of  the  Order  of  St. 
PATRICK,  which  are  missing  from 
Dublin  Castle." 

On  the  same  subject,  The  Daily 
Telegraph  says:  — 

"  The  regret  that  a  great  historic  parure— if 
the  word  may  l>e  used  -has  by  this  time  been 
entirely  lost  is  universal." 

Why  apologise  for  "  parure  "?  We 
cannot  think  of  a  more  suitable  word 
for  The  Daily  Telegraph  to  use.  But 
we  regard  this  diffidence  with  some 
alarm.  Is  it  the  sign  of  the  crumbling 
away  of  a  great  tradition  ? 

Another  Injustice  to  Scotland. 
"  THE  feature  of  the  competition 
was  the  form  shown  by  JEAN  GASSIET, 
who,   like  BRAID,  is  a  Basque  from 
Biarritz."— Sunday  Times. 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


.liiv  17,  1907. 


THE  DITACHMENT  OF  PRENDERBY. 
V 1 1 

..    SO   SOOn    01  l.ntisli 

.,-.•.•.,;:        .    '  IK     -     '   :  '       I'»st  timi 

YOU  cheered  me  up  a  good  deal.   I- 

dread! 

.1    ,.\er    th<-    Menu 

.,.,,.,      •.•".      I.         .-  -     -   ,-.       •     -'•  '      !••  "    "  :     ••• 
aeveral  fr<  mum  has  won  a  swimming 

\nd  the  halfpenny  papers  are  say- 
ing "  lck*bod!  "  and  the  more  expensive  onee 


1   . 


l"—*  '«y  dear  PKBXDBBBY,  have  you  any 

mora  silver  lit 

1  will  at  least  explain  ««id 

PVXDUBY.  on  a  sent.-!  <>ur  rowing  tradi- 

tions are  firmly  based  on  the  methods  required  for  the 
protract. d  four-mile  course  between  Putney  and  Mori- 
long  body-swing  will  carry  you  on  almost 
automatically  over  tin-  lust  mile  when  you  have  be- 
come  blin.l  to  the  outer  world.  The  Hclgians  had  the 
common  inu-lligenoe  to  see  that  totally  different  metbodi 


wli,-n  si.  »  "inning  a  war;   and  rv.n 

,1,,-n    we    should    find    :.    Te-t     Match    more    distracting, 
v  i  i. r.  it  is  true,  has  half  an  eye  on  her  in  the  inter- 
.,.,...     H,it    th.-n    ftoosi  M  i.r  ha-   ideas. 
Me  has  had  the  idea,  f.-r  in  '   sending  the  Fleet 

round  the  Mor  to  be  there  ..r  thereabout*  by  the 

time  that  Japan  begins  to  take  nal  notice  of  California  a 

mam 

••    Vnd  one  of  th.  -  me   fnti.'  -  "t   .if 

T  S.A      will    have    a    further    idea,    and    will    nr. 
M    Atlantic    waters    on 

•Hinging  civilities  with 

the   chrysanthemum    season:   so    that    there   may 

Jways  be  some  -hips  on  the  right  side  of  the  Continent 

•   the  time  when  (id-many  runs  across  to  mop  up 


r,  .|uired  for  the  Henley  sprint.  It  was  not  a  ques- 
tion of  superior  physique,  merely  of  the  application  of 
ideas  to  conditions. '  1  think  I  told  you  that  ideas  are  not 
verv  prevalent  among  us." 

:  Well."  I  said.  "  after  all  they  only  bent  us  by  a  few 
feet.  Quite  a  small  idea  might  have  made  just  the  differ- 
ence. And  the  same  with  TAYLOR  in  the  Golf  Cham- 
pionship. Quite  a  small  idea  might  have  stopped  him 
from  brag  cross  with  himself  in  one  of  the  bunkers,  and 
France  would  never  have  avenged  Waterloo." 

Do  not,"  said  PHKMIKRBV.  in  his  best  pedogpgic 
manner,  "  do  not  undervalue  intelligence.  Physique 
(including  the  courage  to  use  it)  is  a  good  thing;  but 
intelligence  is  of  no  less  import.  Found  together  in  their 
highest  form,  they  render  their  proprietor  invincible. 
Look  at  Japan!" 

"  What  is  the  good  of  looking  at  Japan?  "  I  protested. 
"Japan  doesn't  hold  a  Itecord  or  a  Championship  for  any 
•ingle  sport,  except  Ju-jitsu,  and  nobody  else  knows  the 
rulf»  of  that." 

"  I  grant  you."  said  PRP.NDRRBY,  "  that  the  Japanese 
have  nevrr  orionr*  prominently  at  games  of  hall — leather, 
ilMiis-ruM"  boxwood.  bladder-Mown,  celluloid, 

or  jelly-cocvd,  though  they  take  a  lot  of  beating  with  the 
explosive  kind.     I  grant  that  they  hav.    •  n  hard 

with  miit.-h  nlle*  at   Hitdcy,  though  I  am  told  that 
are  prettv  good  at  live  targets  without  a  wind-gauge. 
I  grant  you  that  tl  r  carried  of!  the  Derby, 

.    Grand   Challenge,    or    the    Pole    Juin| 
"  "p.  or  even  I  iral.lv  mentioned  in  a 

.moment:  yet.  notwithstanding  this  dis- 
creditable record,  they  happen  to  have  '  the  wrestling 
iBews  that  throw  the  world,'  and  the  courage  and  wil 


Championship 
W  •tor-polo  Tc 


to  uee  them  right, 
being  the  him 

for  the 


If  1   uefe  i,  gr.-at   Nation  iitistt'»d  O! 
l  l>efore  yiiiil,  uinl  had  an  op.-i 
hip    of    the     (i|,,l>e 
(Mixed  Double* — <••  uldn't  worry  inn. -I 


•      ••     •    ..,,,.•.       -'   i     l  I    int iii| 

•i/.."  -.iihl    I.  "  how    tin 
it  without  the  fldvnlitnge,  enjo\e,|  |.\   us 


• 


i 

Hi     JS|>« 


.•If"     to 

•   "f  these 

•ire  and  energy  f.  .r 

;iitry  wh 

ti      That    -  w  I  l,ook 

•r   think-   of    ((..king   at    he 


,1     the   obvious  ol-jeeti\e   of   the    KM>I:K'S 

is  everybody  with  i-ven  half  an   idea  in  his  head 

t   be  well  aware. 

Meanwhile,  with  the-  entire  Amerieai  nsin;; 

omul  1'atagonia,  a  few  thousand  miles  awa\  from  any- 
iherc  in  particular.  I  sujipose  you  have  formed  a  picture 
n  \our  mind  of  Mr.  JAY  Ciou.n  and  Miss  M  \\  SmoN, 


. 

nned    with    Champion    Tennis-rae.mets,    defending    tlu) 
\tlantic  and   Pacific  sea-boanis  rrsj.ectiv.'ly  against    all 


omen. 


'•  Knough,"  I  Roid,  for  I  feared  that  if  I'ltl.M.i  ui^  OOQ< 
inue  in  this  strain  he  might  forget  hims,-lf  aii.l 
ightly  of  our  noblest  institutions,  such  as  the  Turf,  or 
»ven  "allude  disrespectfully  to  the  "  playing  fields  of 
Ctoii."  "Knough!"  1  said.  'You  have  finally  re- 
MTed  my  anxiety.  And  I  don't  care  now  if  the  Battle- 
dore-and-Shuttlocock  Championship  </<><«  leave 


Country." 


O.  S. 


SPORTSMEN    I     IIAVK     KNOWN 
I  DRSIRE  to-day  to  say  a  few  words  about  coxswains,  ft 
class  of  men  whom  I  used  at  one   time  to  know    inti- 
iiatcly,    and    whose    peculiarities    I    have    often    studied 
when" we  were  shut  up  together,   as  not    infrequently 
happened,  for  hours  at  a  time  in  an  open  cedar  box  atloat 
upon  a  river.     When  I  speak  of  coxswains  I  refer  to  the 
little  men  who  condescen'd  with  small  hope  of  glory  and 
none  of  profit  to  steer  racing  sh;' 

It  has  been  said  that  a  tenor  is  not  a  man  but   a  din- 
Similarly   it    may   be  said  of   coxswains   that    they 
are  not  so  much  individual  men  as  members  of  a  tribe  or 
secret    society    formed    entirely    of    male    human    heines 
weighing  on   an   n\.  :    i  •        They    have   meetui'.;- 

w  hen-  thev  come  together  to  devise  the  torments 
which  later  on  they  inflict  on  their  fellow -mortals.  They 
have  signs  and  passwords  One  coxswain  recogm- 
approach  of  another  long  before  ordinary  burly  men  arc' 
aware  of  it.  You  may  see  the  little  creature  cock  up 
his  head  while  his  eyes  assume  a  tense  l«ok  and  his  hody 
ijiiivers  with  excitement;  a  second  little  man  enters  the 
r.«.m  ..r  turns  round  the  corner  of  a  lane,  anil  in  another 
moment  you  may  witness  the  charming  spectacle  of  two 
of  the  trilx'  playing  together  with  all  the  innocence  and 
the  fif>iiin/»ii  which  mark  the  intercourse  of  coxswain  . 
one  with  another  No  coxswain,  it  should  be  said,  hit  . 

iMiier  mysteries  of  the  tube  to  an  out 

sid.-r.   for  eo\sv.  very    loyal   an. I   re-pee  t   the  sum- 

lily    of  their  oath        Still,   «-\eii   the   dullest    oarsman   can 
see  ..oi  i  n  tlung  of  IK  i-onry    nf    I    may  say   sol  of 

mi-hip    wh.-n.    for    im-t  isinan 

•  •-   on   one    from  (ihent,    or   a    minute    man    from 

Massachusetts   shake*   the    little    hand   of   who    has 

learned  his  skill  round  tin-  fearful  corners  and  along  the 
•v  reaches  of  our  crawling  Cam. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JULY  17,  1907. 


'**/iir  /*" 

^fy?> 


•s    i\. 


BETWEEN    TWO    STOOLS. 

(After  Charles  Keene.) 
HIT.II  CECIL  n«<J  ALF.  LYTTELTON  (together).  "I  COTCHED  'OLD  ON  'IM  FUST!" 

[At  tlio  moment  when  Mr.  I.YTTKI.TOX,  moving  a  vote  of  censure  on  the  (iovernment,  engages  Mr.  BAI.FOCR'S  support  for  Colonial  Preference, 
Ix>rd  Jtriiii  CKCII,,  addressing  the  Unionist  Free  Trade  l.'luli,  persists  in  daiining  liim  as  an  opponent  of  Protection.] 


JULY  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABI. 


41 


A'a/icc  o/  Duffnf/lon-on-Sea  (uilli  contempt).  "  Is  IT  A  'EAI.THT  PLACE?     LOOK  AT  THE  FUNERAL  'ORSE  RUNNING  IN  A  KED  FOR  WANT  OF  EXERCISE  !  " 


Coxswains,  like  white  cats  with  blue  eyes,  are  always 
deaf — at  least  during  the  earlier  years  of  their  profes- 
sional career;  and  sometimes  they  remain  deaf  to  the 
very  end.  Have  you  ever  heard  a  coach  endeavouring 
to  cause  his  crew  to  cease  rowing?  Etiquette  forbids 
him  to  do  this  by  shouting  directly  to  his  men :  he  is 
compelled  to  use  the  coxswain  as  an  intermediary.  This 
is  how  it  goes  :  — 

Coach  (to  his  crew).  Now  then,  we  '11  row  about  two 
hundred  yards  hard  and  then  easy.  I  '11  start  you.  Get 
ready  !  Forward  all !  Are  you  ready?  Row  ! 

[The  crew  starts  with  the  usual  amount  of  splash- 
ing, No.  5  missing  the  water  altogether  and 
coming  off  his  sliding  seat. 

Coach  (at  top  of  voice).  Oh,  that  won't  do!     That  's 
awful!     Easy  Cox!     (Cox  says  nothing.)     EASY  Cox! 
[The  Cox  sits  tight  and  utters  no  sound.  The  Coach 
becomes  purple  with  passion  and  begins  to  howl 
like  a  menagerie.     At  last  the  crew  takes  the 
matter  into  Us  oirn  hands  and  somehow  a  stop- 
page is  brought  about. 

Coach  (in  a  tone  of  cold  and  cutting  irony).  Cox,  if  you 
would  do  me  the  extreme  favour  of  trying,  merely  trying, 
to  listen  to  what  I  say,  it  is  just  within  the  bounds  of 
possibility  that  the  crew  would  get  on  better.  Person- 
ally I  should  prefer  wot  to  have  to  shout  to  you  fifteen 
times.  Now  then,  we  '11  try  another  start. 

[This  time  the  Coxswain  easies  the  crew  long  before 
the  Coach  meant  it  to  stop,  and  so  the  game 
goes  on. 


Many  years  ago — and  this  is  the  only  pathetic  incident 
I  can  remember  in  connection  with  coxswains — I  re- 
quired a  steerer  for  a  four  in  an  up-river  regatta.  We 
secured  a  little  boy  weighing  between  5  and  6  stone.  He 
had  never  steered  before,  but  he  was  very  keen,  learnt 
his  business  quickly,  and  earned  much  praise  by  the  cool- 
ness and  cleverness  he  displayed  during  the  race.  When 
it  was  over  I  said  to  him  jestingly,  "  You  're  one  of  the 
best  coxswains  I  've  ever  sat  in  a  boat.  with.  You  shall 
steer  us  again  next  year — if  you  don't  eat  too  much  and 
get  too  heavy  before  then."  The  little  fellow  flushed 
with  pleasure,  and  murmured  something  about  "  trying 
not  to."  Shortly  afterwards  the  holidays  ended  and  he 
went  back  to  school.  Here  is  an  extract  from  a  letter  I 
received  from  his  mother  some  ten  weeks  later :  — 

"  I  think  you  will  hardly  believe  it  when  I  tell  you 
that  a  propos  of  your  suggestion  that  Sonnie  might  per- 
haps cox  for  you  again,  if  not  too  heavy,  he  has  kept 
himself  on  short  commons  all  the  term.  One  of  the 
masters  wrote  to  me  that  the  boy  was  not  feeding  at  all 
properly,  but  it  was  quite  by  accident  that  I  discovered 
the  cause  .... 

"  Pray  send  him  a  line  yourself  and  disabuse  his  small 
mind  of  the  impression." 

In  the  records  of  heroism  and  self-denial  there  is  no 
quainter  or  more  gallant  figure  than  that  of  this  little 
steerer.  He  was  prepared  to  stint  himself  for  twelve 
months,  to  abandon  cake,  to  forswear  pudding,  to  re- 
main constantly  hungry,  if  only  he  could  secure  again  the 
honour  of  coxing  a  racing  boat. 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MII.V  17,  l:N'7. 


AM.     HYW.US     IN 

IT  l»  high  time  that  a  guide  Ux.k 
l*hire  waa  u  '.*  not  a 

k  of  the  kind  has  appeared 
sine*  Barter,  and  none  of  those  al- 
ready  in  exiatenee,  is  to  be   r 
upon.     For  example,  in  the  volumin- 
ous  «•/•"•    of    Mr.     HutNvKi'    I 
which  was  published  last  year,  there 
*  no  mention  whatever  of  the  light 
railway  from  Colchester  to  tl  . 
of  Mount  Clim.  nor  is  the  interesting 
aaaociation  of  GEOBOE  DB»MOI>\ 

•tie  Compton  even  hinted  at. 
These  are  grave  omissions  that  go  far 
validate,  an  otherwise  meritori- 
ous compilation.  Hence  the  present 
attempt  to  bring  I'pshire  vividly  be- 
fore the  n-;< 

For  kind  assistance  in  his  task  the 
author  wishes  to  thank  many  friends. 
First  of  all  he  would  mention  I,ord 
mid  I  duly  ^i'K,  whose  hospi- 

tality at' Bridge  Nasal  he  can  never 
forget  or  too  much  extol;  and  after 
•     AHTIHH    MAITINLKV,    of 
-  Hall;  hm  I/ordship  the  Hishop 
K  ;    the   genial   and    un- 
tiring H.-ctor  of  Wimps.  Mr.  HINKY 
I'M  MM  K.  the  -  Town  Clerk 

of    lloo;    and    la-tly    Mr.    Krsi 
FBY.  of   Mel..?  the  owner  of 

the  best  llortn*  »i  r  brought 

together  in  this  county.  Without  the 
kind  co-operation  of  these  gentlemen 
the  following  pages  would  have  only 
a  tithe  of  their  value  topographically, 
archa>ologically,  and  botanically.  The 
author  wishes  also  to  express  here  his 
acknowledgment  to  those  of  his  pre- 
decessors upon  whose  work  he  has 
levied  for  historical  facts. 

<  IUPTEE  I. 

Many  problems  lie  scattered  in  the 
path  of  the  author  of  a  guide-book  to 
a  county,  not  the  least  of  which  is 
the  question   where  to  begin.      I 
count  i.  H  may  he  said  to  begin  e\.  r\ 
where,  at  any  point  on  the  boundary 
lines  or  the  seaboard.     <  .Her, 

for  example,  may  •  hire  from 

the    east,    and    another    from    the 


the  |.  .'..  again,  if 

:  -    i/>tl««l'm>i    tvrJ'ij, 

li    were   uttered.    1    might   say, 

it  a  moment 'K  he-itat 
Tin*,  then.  1  have  done. 


TYl'U'AI.    I TSIIllti:    KAINA. 
(Near  PkMingde*ne.) 

Hut  first  we  ought  to  say  something 
of  the  noil,  climate,  fauna,  etc.  The 
last  are  chiefly  sheep  and  cnttle. 
which  may  IK-  seen  in  most  of  the  Up- 
s-hire  fields  grazing  or  chewing  the 
r. 1. 1.  There  are  many  dogs,  too,  on 
the  farms.  ••!,•..  .-UK!  the  household 
eat  of  all  colours  is  a  common  ol>jeet 
of  the  country  side.  From  an  inter- 
esting talk  which  I  had  with  a  most 
intelligent  keep.-r  one  day  last  year  I 
learned  that  owls  are  often  heard  at 
night,  and  hawks  not  infrequently 
may  l>c  seen  hovering  over  the  stuli- 
I'le.  Foxes,  too,  are  fairly  prevalent ; 
luit  they  rarely  enter  the  towns.  This 
r.  wlu>-e  vti.nl  I  have  no  reason 
to  divtriist,  distinctly  remembered 
si-eing  jackdaws  eirefing  round  the 
lielfry  of  Chid  church. 


and   how   annoying   it    would 
•   the   traveller   approaehing   it 
from    the    east    if    these    pages    be- 

rnt    i  \i    I 

my   jHTplexily    1  put    tin-  difficult y 
before    my     friend    the    Ma«U  > 

•ice.   with 

unerring    ».-»».•  >>posed    a 

way  said, 

"  treat  the  enunty*  alphabetical!) 
ginning   with   t<.wn«   r,r    \.;:.i.- 

thst    b.-trm   with 
then  those,   if  any,  thnt  begin  with 


>v  tin-  Uitanist  in  I'psliire  with  e<m- 
iil.-nee    are    the    little    H<  Ui*    /xriMUM 

nnl  the  shy  l{an\nirnlii*  (HTM.     Thirt 
.   .       ;  district  for  the  lnind- 

-  /.  ,ini.<. 
[To  be  rfm»rntlcnxlij  rcinfi'nii<1cf.] 


MAN<F.rvi 


TYPICAL   n-SHIKK    (.  \TK. 
(Near  Fitworth  Major.) 

The  climate  of  rpshiro  is  varii»l>li'. 
sometimes  wurm  and  sometimes  eolil. 
August     sees     perhaps     the     gr. 
degree  nf  i  iary  of  <•.•!. I 

'I'll.'  I'pshire  (lowers  are  le^imi.     In 
the  spring,  pr.'  i\  („•  |..un.|  in 

I'plee.    IIH    the    l.-.-;il 

•    has  it.      i  Su .f  the    I'pshiri 

w..r.|-.   l.y    thi-   \\n\  ,   :<r<-   \,  • 

lof  "  to  ilrink."  tin 
.  illagei-K  v  '.till  " — an 

mi  ,  hut  mori 
•um<>n  thing  it 
1    to   see   the    children    of 
ijiiaint     old-world     villages     bringing 
h'.im-  hiinehi-"  of  primroses.     Alnoii^ 
'other  flow,  rs  that  may  he  sought   for 


[The  new  mnniniT  inillii.i-ry.  u  reganli  nb*[X>, 
rootoar  and  angle,  ii  s  complete  rercnal  of 
the  preceding  mode.] 

;'Kori>.  jiretty  hut  penniless  maid, 
;'ennit  me  to  come  to  your  aid; 

You  want  a  n.-w  hat, 

Hut  your  trouhle  is  tliat 
Your  milliner's  bill  isn't  paid. 

You  can't  wear  the  thing 

You  bought  in  the  Sp 
"  nose  tilt  "  is  now  incm  • 

For  the  bat  of  to-day 

Slants  the  opposite  way 
With  a  sort  of  wm'-wester  effect. 

The  shade  on  the  brow  must  be  stunt, 
The  brim  being  narrow  and  blunt, 

And  the  trimming  's  confined 

To  tin'  wide  brim  behind 
That  used  to  be  worn  in  the  front. 

Hut    take  courage  :i_-ain  ', 

That  hat  you  disdain 
As  the'  latest  creation  may  .- 

If      no  doubt  you  ha\e  gu. 

What  1  want  to  I 
You  pill  it  011  hind  side  before. 


BUS  IN  URBE. 

WK  learn  from  T/ic  Daily  Mail  thut 
there  is  luxuriant  vegetation  to  bo 
-.in  in  the  vacant  sites  ill  Aldwych 
und  the  Kingsway.  The  popular  wild- 
flower  liiiniinriilux  iirrtnxis  (butter- 
cup) and  the  Cardans  an 
i  thistle)  are  to  be  found  there.  Hut 
we  have  it  on  the  authority  of  Tlte 
Daily  Mail's  botanical  expert  that  tin- 
soil  will  grow  almost  any  crops.  We 
see  in  this  a  possible  solution  t<>  the 
problem  of  the  deserted  village. 
Farm-workers  in  their  thousands 
come  to  Ijondoii  yearly,  we  are  told 
by  statistics.  Why  not  set  them  to 
work  in  Kingsway'.'  We  commend 
the  suggestion  !•>  the  London  County 
Council,  to  Mi.  .li^si  ( 'oi.i.iMis,  F.arl 

(  '\KKI\i.loN.       Mr.       KlIU  It       llvi.c.UU". 

Mr.    HMII    Ki  NM  i">  .   and  others   who 
an1  likely  I"  be  all.-,  i.  .1. 

Much  interest  ha--  be.  n  .Housed  in 
the  subject  in  the  Hay  111:11  kel ,  Corn- 
hill,  and  Lincoln's  Inn  Field-.  Mr. 
1  il  oitt.i:  l-'nw  Mtni.s  has  in  \  i.  u  .1 
r.-vival.  at  the  (laiety  'I'heati 
Tlir  t '>,„„! nj  <!irl.  "  The  (laiety  IJ. 
taurant  "  will  jirobably  change  its 
to  "  The  Harley  Mow,"  and 
Tlir  Warning  I'xnt  will  become  the 
leading  agricultural  daily. 


Jn.Y  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1.1 


l  -AC,  KANT  PROBLEMS. 


(Chepstow).  --  It 
would  perhaps  In'  an  anachronism  if 
KiNti  1  1  i:\uv  VIII.  carried  sin  um- 
brella. Still,  as  your  impersonator  of 
the  worthy  monarch  suffers  from 
bronchial  asthma  an  exception  might 
be  iniuli-  in  this  inclement  summer. 
If  all  KING  HENRY'S  wives  arc  to  ac- 
company him  it  would  be  better  to 
have  a  gig  umbrella. 

"  ANXIOUS"  (Dureham  -  on  -  the- 
Wolds).  —  It  is,  indeed,  trying,  when 
the  most  picturesque,  event  in  your 
town's  history  is  the  opening  of  your 
sewage  farm  by  an  ex-Cabinet  .Minis- 
ter. I  do  not  see  how  this  could  be 
reproduced  satisfactorily  as  a  tableau. 
\\  liv  not  have  "  Arrival  of  the  News 
of  Waterloo  at  Ihireham"?  They 
must  have  heard  of  that  some  time. 

"  Mfsii'AL  "  (Chelmsford).  —  I  am 
not  acquainted  with  any  ancient 
British  melody  which  QUKKN  BOADI- 
CKA  and  the  chiefs  of  the  Iccni  could 
chant  as  they  drive  their  chariots  in 
your  pageant.  Try  something 
modern.  I  think  "  Hiding  on  (<>/'  <>/ 
the  cur  "  would  be  both  appropriate 
and  popular. 

"  MORALIST  "  (Pontefract).  —  (live 
KICIIAKD  CiK.ru-DK-hioN  to  understand 
that  he  must  not  smoke  cigarettes 
during  the  pageant. 

"  MOTIIEK  OF  TEN  "  (Bath).  —  In- 
surance Companies  absolutely  de- 
cline to  insure  pageants  against  un- 
favourable weather  this  summer. 
Spectators  may  bo  covered  against 
any  risk  of  sun-stroke  at  a  very  small 
premium,  llain  spots  may  be  re- 
moved from  helmets  with  pumice- 
stone.  Black  chest  protectors,  not 
red  ilanncl  ones,  should  be  worn  be- 
neath chain  armour.  As  a  general 
rule  with  feudal  knights  brown  boots 
should  he  discountenanced. 

"  Pr/zLED  "  (Pudeombe).  —  It  is 
awkward  that  your  Mayor  will  insist 
on  representing  CHARLES  THE  SECOND 
—  especially  as  he  declines  to  shave 
off  his  red  whiskers.  I  should  change 
your  pageant  programme,  and  substi- 
tute WII.I.IAM  liri-vs  for  CIIAUI.ES  THE 
SKCOND.  WIM.IAM  Kl'Kl's  probably 
visited  I'udcoinbe  quite  as  often  as 
CM  \iii.i:s  TIII:  SKCOND  did. 

"  Six  KKTAUY  "  (York).  —  Tliere  is 
no  reason,  providing  thai  the  wea- 
ther should  prove  unsatisfactory,  that 
your  representation  of  the  Battle  of 
Marstmi  Moor  should  not  be  given 
in  the  Town  Had.  The  cavalry,  of 
course,  would  have  to  be  dismounted; 
but  if  all  the  participants  neighed 
loudly  as  they  charged  little  of  the 
realism  of  a  cavalry  encounter  woufd 
be  missiii''. 


'.I  me/  (roxin-j  a  alif  far  the  firnt  lime).  "  LOOK,  'Aliitv  !     Tint's  THE   8OBTKK    no  IT  WE 
'K  'AU.     IT  iHix'r  \\.ixr  MI  STKKKIN'." 


"  MODEST  "  (.Melton  Pogis). — I  like 
\our  scheme  for  tlu>  procession.  Your 
Vicar  will  enjoy  being  Archbishop 
I, ATI)  for  one  day,  and  the  Congrega- 
tional minister  \\ill  make  an  ad 
mirable  JOHN  Bi'NVAN  in  chains.  But 
I  should  not  place  them  next  to  one 
another  in  your  show.  Public  de- 
bates on  the  late  Education  Bill  arc 
not  to  be  tolerated  in  pageants.  Put 
your  skin-clad  Ancient  Britons  be- 
tween the  ARCIIHISHOP  and  JOHN 
BfNYAN.  The  public  will  tolerate  a 
slight  deviation  from  strict  chrono- 


logical  order.      They    won't   tolerate 
ecclesiastical  controversy. 

"  ANTIO.I-AKIAN  "  I  Huddle).  7-  Your 
scene  "  Curfew  Ringing  in  Duddle  at 
the  Time  of  tin-  Con.piest  "  ought  to 
pro\e  impressive.  I  hesitate  to  sug- 
gest improvements,  but  perhaps  a 
practicable  public-house  might  be  in- 
troduced in  one  corner.  From  this, 
at  the  ringing  of  the  curfew.  Saxons 
would  stagger  forth  shaking  their  tists 
at  the  Norman  oppressor.  The  scene 
might  conclude  with  a  step-dance  by 
HKREWAKD  Tin:  WAKE. 


MC»  of  the  wealher.  Many  person* 
are  sceptical  M  to  whether  any  nrac- 
tical  good  will  coin*  of  this. 

t   by  some,  however,  that  a 
'          bo  pawed. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


•  1,,-ti   we  h:id   ' 


'.Tnv  17,  1007. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  Royal 
M  to  tak*   part    in   an    interim' 

,n  on  the  sub* 


Last  week  a  visitor  t  ivre 

)9A»  a  savage  atUrk  with  a  kn 
'orssix's  picture  <>f  The  Deluge.      It 
M  thought  that  the  weath. 

onsible  for  the  man'*  art.     He  had 
doubt  eiit«-n-.l  the  building  in  • 
to  get  out  <>f  the  rain,  and  became 
maddened  at  the  sight  of  more  of  it. 
.   • 
• 

The  weather  has  had  much  to 
answer  for.  A  man  was  charged  at 
Bow  Street  last  week  with  stealing 


hirty    overcoaU 
imhrcllas. 


and   a   number  of 


The  weather,  ngain,  was  respon- 
aible  for  a  number  of  unseemly 
squabbles  at  the  various  pageant*. 
All  the  participants  wanted  to  take 
;he  part  of  Meii-in-Annour,  that  be- 
the  only  ri'>le  which  afforded 
adequate  ;  •'  against  the  rain. 


V 


• 


»  *  I'        /      4 

Sport,  it  WM  something  of  a  relief  to 
.1    won    by  an 


V 


Tho  miscreants  who  stole  In. 

I    from     Dublin    Cast!.'    I 
appear  to  have   been   v, TV    igi 
person       They  did  not  know  tbnt  the 
gafe   from    which    they   extracted   the 
insignia  wag  burglar-proof. 


V 


M.-ntion  of  tliis  subject  reminds  \is 
th:it  Mr.  GEORGE  AI.I.XAXDKII  has  an- 
nounced his  intention  of  producing 
Tin-  Tliitf  in  November. 


V 


July  27th  has  been  fixed  as  the 
last  day  on  which  Living  Statues 
may  appear,  and  it  is  still  uncertain 
what  will  become  of  them.  It  is 
rumoured  that  a  charitable  lady  hns 
come  forward  and  offered  to  provide 

home  for  one  of  thorn,  and  that 
another  may  bo  adopted  by  a  child- 
less couple. 

•  • 

Exception  has  U  en  taken  to  some 
of  the  Htatuary  which  decorate**  the 
new  building  of  a  1'rmidi-rit  Institu- 
tion  in  the  Strand.  Certain  of  the 
directors  demand  that  the  figure 
which  represents  Prudence  shall  have 
more  drapery— and  be  changed  from 
Prudence  to  Prudery. 

•  • 

Any*  information  about  the  great 
men  who  conduct  the  affairs  of  the 
Nation  at  Westminster  is  interesting, 
and  our  newspapers  appear 

of  them  tells  us  that  Mr. 


Pen  Ctnuux.  who  now   r 

Jarrow.  is  known  to  his  intimates  as 

I".  -• 

•  • 
• 

The    Admiralty    baa   been    l> .. 
over  the  coals  f»r  authori*mg  the  an 

Siner.- 
ideal    stoker    would    certainly 
acem  to  us  to  be  a  black  man,  as  he 
would  not  show  the  dirt. 


"  Ixx>k  after  your  teeth  "  would 
to  be  it  very  necessary  piece  of 
advice  just  now.  A  short  time  ago 
the  valuable  gold  stopping  was  stolen 
from  nn  elephant's  tooth,  and  now  we 
that  an  attempt  has  been  made 
to  steal  GK.ORC.E  WASHINGTON'S  false 
teeth  from  the  College  of  Dental 
Surgery  at  Baltimore.  Cautions  per 
sons  would  certainly  do  well  to  have 
a  small  electric  burglar  alarm  fitted 
to  the  roof  of  the  mouth. 

*  * 

The  marmalade  trade  is  said  to  be 
viewing  with  some  alarm  a  possible 
effect  of  the  new  Compensation  Act. 
It  is  feared  that  a  large  proportion  ol 
the  orange-peel  which  used  to  be 
thrown  on  the  dust-heap  will  now  be 
kept  for  accidents. 

•  * 

There  is  good  news  for  those  per- 
sons who  suck  and  chew  their  pencils. 
A  company  has  been  formed  to  ex 
ploit  an  invention  which  substitutes 
for  cedar-wood  a  mixture  of  which 
the  main  ingredient  is  potatoes. 

*  * 

"  Many  English  people  look  miser- 
able when  they  sing,"  complains  Sir 
KDWAKD  KI.C.AR.  \Ve  have  alwa\s 
thought  this  show  of  sympathy  for 
the  aiidii-nee  highly  creditable. 

•  • 

Our    illustrated    newspa]K>ra  miisl 

really      be      careful.        To     a      pbot< 

entitled  "  Signor  -          and  the   Moil 

which  appeared  the  other  day 


Was      appended       the       niMitn,- 

The  well  known  tenor  i- 
,M|i'-hed    I    .    :i    V 


V 


•»  are  on  the  tarvatioi 

owing  to  the  cold  and  wet  weather 
and  several  of  them  were  found  tin 
other  ilay  in  the  garden  of  a  work 

! 


•her    item    of    new*    fri'in    tho 
•!d   is   that    nr  ui   is 

Mil     tO 

.xroon  so: 

* 

It     is    to    be    hoped    that     the    sile. 
which  has  been  chosen  for  tli.-  cxpcri- 
nental    open-air    school    for    nervous 
Inldren  is  one  that  is  free  from  birch- 

*  * 

MM  MII  :  making  B 

lew   departure.     They  announce  that 
book-buyers  can   have  on   approval 
my    volume   published   by   then, 
tin-   understanding   that,  if  it   : 
turned   in  good  condition,  the  cost  of 
the  c.-unau'e   will   be  defrayed   by   the 
•nstomer. "       Please,    due;    this   mean 
hat    if   tin-   book    is   returned   in   bad 
•ondition  tin-  customer  will  not  have 
to  pay  the  cost  of  carriage? 

*  * 
* 

There  wa.;  only  one  crin.inal 
for     trial     at     the     recent      Limerick 
Assi/es,     which     was     the     smallest 
1  for  nineteei-  is  no 

doubt  the  result  of  prosperity,  as  tho 
Limerick  trade  has  never  been  so 
flourishing  as  now. 

V 

The  racing  yacht  Hamburg,  which 

My  had  the  effrontery  to 
the  KAISEK'S  Meleur,  has  now  been 
totally  wrecked  in  a  storm,  the  life- 
boat being  lost,  and  two  members  of 
the  crew  thrown  overboard  and 
drowned.  It  is  hoped  in  Court  circled 
that  this  will  be  a  salutary  lesson. 


1IIC.II  ToNK  IN   I'.'ln. 

[According  to  the  Headmn  ,  "  llio 

I>IIII|IMI  ilixtrict  accent  i*  hprrailin^  in  <  in-let 


M-ty  where  one  wodd  le»«t  expect  to 

finil  it."] 

The  scene  is  /f.'ffrn   U"ir.      Aijuinxl 
the    rails    leans    tlie    f«vlti«Mlj/ 

dri-**ed  figure  i<f  tlml  ;/""":' 
quinitc  Ixwl  l;.\Ms.i\n:.     To  him 
ihf    u«un<j     Dnehe   ,    ,.f     I'.itoxn- 
8TAIHS,  motiiittil. 
The  Duchess  (reining  11/1,  cheerily). 

rilo,   fiee! 

J.onl      Utiningiitc.    Cheero,      mite. 
Wat  's  the  gime  t.  r-.lyeV 


.ih  u  tlfliriou*  lillle 
laugh).   (Jam  '        •  din',    stoopid  : 

iinllink  else.    (  I'nllinii  In  T  /»>IM/.  I   ^'ot 
price  this  I.T  a  little  bit  o'  orlrieht  '.' 
'./  /;.  (<i,liniri>i<ilii\.   Not  'nif  ' 

I  >],|n't   ou^ht    (••!•  clo 
nutlink  wiv   'ini  in  tli.-  lydies'  ,-\,-nts 

dmiringly).  Not  'arf. 

The    Ihirhrxx    (lusxniij   her   xh<n>r]>j 

I'.ii-lit,  this  mornin',  nin  '• 
1  iinn'  I  fink. 


J0LY  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


45 


AT  A  MEETINC;   in:iii   AT   LADY  TARBOLTON'S  TO  DECIDE  UPON  A  FAREWELL  PRESENTATION  TO  THE   CURATE   FROM   THE  LADIES   OF  THE 

K'M.KI  CVTION,  MANY'   SUGGESTIONS    FOR  A  PRESENT  WF.RE  PUT   FORWARD,   SUCH  A3  SILVER    IIAItt-BUUSHES,   SILVER    SHOE-HORNS,  &C.      Till  H:,   AFTEE 
DUE   CONSIDERATION,   WERE   VOTED   INADEQUATE. 

Miss  ARABELLA  MINIFIE  ROSE  TO  PROPOSE  THAT  A  PAIR  OF  SOLID  SILVER  TROUSER-STRETCHERS  WOULD  BE  A  USEFUL  AND  FITTING  GIFT. 


Lord  E.  (admiringly).  Not  'arf. 

The  Duchess.  Well,  don't  stand 
there  all  dye,  mite,  else  ycr  "11  run  to 
seed.  Tootle-oo! 

Lord  R.  Pip-pip. 

Another  part  of  the  same.  Lady 
FELICIA  MARGATE  and  the  Coun- 
tess of  WHITSTABLE  on  chairs 
beneath  the  trees. 

Lady  Felicia.  ..."  Gimme  a 
chawnce  ter  be  erlono  wiv  yer,"  'e 
said,  "  an'  I  '11  show  yer  'ow  the  'ero 
in  my  plye  mikes  lo\c." 

The  Cnunti'HS.  Oh!  the  sauce-box! 

Lady  Felicia.  Jus"  wot  I  said  to 
'im.  But  there — yercawn't  be  cngree 
wiv  'im  long,  can  yer'.' 

The  CuunlrsN.   Nuh  ! 

Lady  Felicia.  Not  that  I  ever  would 
bo  left  erlono  wiv  'im,  mindjer.  My 
'ushing— well,  yer  know  wot  Alf  is, 
don't  \vr'.'  .Jealous!  Not  'arf  ! 

The  CountcHH.  Ah  !  'e  's  a  corfdrop. 

Lady  Felicia.  There  's  that  swei •( 
Dysy  'OggenYimer,  let  's  talk  to  'er. 

The  Countess.  Yus  1 
The   Hon.    Mrs.    HYTIIE-SAXDGATE'S 


boudoir  at  257,  Campdcn  Hill. 
Mrs.  H.-S.  «s  talking  to  her 
provincial  nurse,  who  is  in  tears. 

Mrs.  H.-S.  .  .  .  Yus,  I  'm  sorry, 
too,  but  there  's  no  'elp  fer  it. 
Yer  '11  have  ter  tike  a  mumf's 
nowtice. 

Nurse.  Oh,  iii'am!  I've  tried,  I  'in 
sure,  to  give  satisfaction. 

Mrs.  H.-S.  It  's  not  that,  nuss.  I 
shall  be  only  too  sorry  ter  pawt  wiv 
yer.  It  's  yer  unforchunate  accingt. 
The  children  do  pick  it  up  so  quick. 
Only  this  afternoon  Master  Halgie 
came  into  the  drorin'-room,  and 
there,  before  all  my  friens,  spoke  of 
his  "  baby  "  brother.  Ho,  I  felt  so 
ashimed  !  "  Dyby,"  I  said — "  byby, 
not  baby.  Wherever  do  you  pick  up 
sech  an  accingt'.'  "  "  Well,"  'e  said, 
"  nurse  says  baby." 

\nrse  (sniffing).  But,  m'am,  I 
assure  you  I  'm  trying  every  day  to 
improve  myself. 

Mrs.  H.-S.  Yus,  yus,  nuss,  I 
know.  But  I  fink  yer  must  see  'ow 
'ope  less  it  is 


Nurse  (sobbing).  Every  day 

Mrs.  H.-S.  There!  Every  day. 
There  's  no  sech  word  as  day — dye, 
dye,  dye.  _ 

Nurse  (sobbing).  Yes  'm. 

Mrs.  H.-S.  Oh,  reely  and  truly  yer 
set  me  teef  on  edge,  nuss.  Yus,  not 
yes.  It  's  no  good.  It  must  be  a 
inurnf's  nowtice. 

Smoking-room  of  the  same.  Present, 
the  Hon.  KUPEKT  HYTIIE-SANU- 
GATE  and  Sir  ARTHUR  FELIX- 
STOWE. 

Mr.  H.-S Wevver  'e  'a  a 

bahnder  or  not  perhaps  you  know 
better  than  I.  I  can  only  tell  yer 
this,  that  yesterdye  lie  awsked  me  ef 
I  'd  got  anyfink  comin'  on  for  the 
nex"  Darby. 

Sir  Arthur.  Nah ! 

Mr.  H.-S.  Fac'.  "  Durby,"  I  said, 
"  I  suppose  you  mean."  'E  didn  't 
'arf  colour  up ! 

Sir  Arthur.  Nah! 

Mr.  H.-S.  Fac'.  'Elp  yerself  ter  a 
fag. 

Sir  Arthur.  Thenks. 


M 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


MH.V  17,  1907. 


"5*S~*~^  -  -.  i^    — 

— *<^  y  ^-  ^>- —  — » 


Varftadrr  (flayiny  m  afmcljjy  knpdnt  gamel  "llr.»K<     WHAT  ABE  m    MIX.,  lows  FOB?     ABE  TOC  TIBED?" 
1  M  N..  Turn  ..'  I-AMTIK'.  nrr  I'M  Mil  WKA«^  -  !"  


plaver  ;    but  llioy 


THK     PASSPOUT. 
•!ir»nl    Ml-'  N       !*•'•  no«  • 

Wl  Ui  KI»<-  lum  bj>  '  Mar  '     ).<•  '•  MtrA  <i  youJ  /« 
I  M:\KK  wait  tiiiich  <>(  a  .  ru-Ui-in  . 

:i  I  (.'<>t, 
I  roiililn't  ln-l|i  Inmni:  n  Mick  lit  IUT, 

Su  OH  i.fi.-n  UHK  out  IIK  nut 
Hut  <li'l  tlint  |itv\fiit  my  (.-i-ttiiiK  a  nhow 
ly  tcuin  '.'     \A>T'  bl«-fs  urn 

It  wa*  thiMiclit  (|iiit<-  n  iii/«frr<>n-/iriifi  run. 
If  I  l«.ul.-.|  uiixwlii-n-  lint 
;•!(•  critil.  "  \Vli\  tin  t-artli  put  that  rottiT  on?  " 

•  thick  iiinl  f 
1.  1  inn.l.llfil  a  i-iitcli 
On  mi  •vcm^'r  <|iiit<-  three  tiim  -  a  match. 

in  «|>it<-  <i(  tin---  irn- 

.  "  Mm-  "  uitli 

id 
<)(  a  iiuality  (•••rt    to  pK-uiu-. 

Keep  plenty  of  fun-  ol,l  port. 
And  you  'r»  »un-  of  vour  "  blue  "—  M  a  Iloal  Good 

A  Fact. 

'  ISBORXR. 

AJ"  Hie  Mill.  i  -resent    I.  lu'li. 

lit.  It  ha*  •|M>ilt  nil  th. 


• 


DBCAVINI.     IM«HTHV. — The    x 


\N     P.MJltOTS     L'NI'KIISTAND     \VII.\T 
T11KV     SAW" 

l>i:ui   Mil.    I'l'Si  II,  —  Your  esteemed   e..litelii|Mi|-ary    Til, 
S;nr(il/..r  plllilislles  n  ileeply   interesting   letter  under  the 

b*uing.  I  am  in  lull  a^re.-mi-nt  \\ith  tlu>  opinion 
then-ill  expressed,  that  parrots  «/n  undentMld  the  \\onls 
tliey  eiiipiiiy.  \Ve  Inive  had  a  plain  substantial  pn-y 
parrot  for  the  last  ten  years.  Murin-;  that  time  it  lias 
:>erfeetly  mustered  t\v;>  phrases,  "I'riltii  1'fUij"  and 
" 


A  tedioul  lady-visitor  \va«  worryinj;  my  wife,  when  nur 
l)ird,  who  was  observing  matters,  said  "  llmnl-1'ii 
the  most  pointed  manner     The  effect   was  instantaneous. 
nnd,  us  my  wife  said,  "  No  one  cotilil  take  olTenee  at    a 
hint  from  a  bird,  and  such  a  dear  bird  I 

Another  instance  of  sagacity.      My   wife  had   ji. 

a    maid    of    sin^nhirlv     pi>  x'    appearance. 

The  fimt  linn    the  p:inr.t   s:i\\    the  new   sii\anl   it   unliesi 


tatingijl    exclaimed.     "  I'ri  th/     Polly 


(I)     eniiive     till' 

name  was  not  strictly  accurate,  but  lm\\    was  the  bird  to 
know   that  the  ^'irl  was  "  Silvan."  and  not   "  Polls 
I  need  say  no  more.      Yours  enthusiastically, 

Al.lil  HT    Pol'IM\\. 


From  Mr.  Le  Queuz'  Latest  Novel 

IN  an  angular  hand  evidently  masculine  was  written 

pi.-  words,  without   addiv  ituiv,   '  I   have 

v  (iioi\      .    .    .    .   The  words  were  in  a  man's  hand 

\.ithout   n   doubt      an  educated  hand    which  by   its   rek'U- 

ihe   formation  of  the   'd's'   mi^ht   ha\. 
acquired  on  the  continent." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHAlilVAIM  -JULY  17,  1907. 


A   TOUCH    OF    THE    SUN. 

TETOY  ROOSEVELT.  "NICE,    GENIAL  ORR,   BUT  A  BIT   DAZZLING.      WISH  I'D   GOT  MY  PANAMA." 

[The  despatch  of  the  U.S.A.  Fleet  to  Pacific  Waters  emphasises  the  pressing  necessity  for  the  completion  of  the  Panama  Canal.] 


JULY  17,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

ExTnArTF.r>   FROM   TIIF.   PlAIlT   OF  ToBY,  M  P. 

House  of  Lords,  Monday,  July  8. — 
Chamber  presents  curious  aspect. 
Opposition  Benches  crowded  ns  <>n 
field  nights.  Peeresses,  daintily 
frocked  in  spite  of  weather,  bring  a 
whiff  of  summer  to  the  side  galleries. 
They  have  heard  that  Army  Hill 
comes  on  in  Committee  to-night.  A 
big  business  ;  within  its  folds  safety  of 
Empire  rests.  Thing  to  do,  in  order 
to  encourage  patriots,  is  to  show  one- 
self in  the  gallery.  Cannot  expect 
to  understand  debate;  but  can  look 
interested.  Carry  a  fan  in  case  there 
is  tendency  to  yawn. 

Whilst  seats  to  left  of  Woolsack 
thus  animated,  .Ministerial  quarters 
are  almost  empty.  Long  rows  of 
benches  without  a  single  Peer.  AUMIT- 
STEAD,  faithful  found  among  the  faith- 
less, keeps  solitary  watch  above 
Gangway.  Not  a  Bishop  to  bless 
quarter  below  Gangway  with  benevo- 
lent presence.  Half-a-dozen  Minis- 
ters, including  PORTSMOUTH  in  charge 
of  the  Bill,  face  the  Opposition 
Leaders.  What  has  happened  '.'  Have 
Liberal  Peers,  in  anticipation  of 
C.-B.'s  action,  disestablished  them- 
selves? Or  have  they,  in  view  of 
overwhelming  Opposition  majority, 
thrown  up  the  sponge,  declining  any 
longer  to  take  part  in  farce  of  divi- 
sions ? 

"  lleminds  me,"  says  MEMBER  FOR 
SARK,  regarding  the  desert  place,  "  of 
Ministerial  benches  in  ultimate  Ses- 
sion of  last  Parliament,  when  PRINCE 


I 


r>F.Fi:Nr>KR  OF  A  Ciinoxic  "  Hor.KF.'s  DRIFT." 

Lord  Cr-we  hull's  the  fort  for  the  Ministry  in 
the  Lords. 


I! 
IE.IMT 
Bin  LOIN.. 
WIDOWS 

EFERRED. 


LL.- 


WELLEB  SEXB.'S  ADVICE  DISREGARDED. 

"  Yes,  Sir ;  Ida  give  the  preference  to  widows." 

(Mr.  "Lulu"H-rc-rt.) 


ARTHUR,  threatened  with  debate  on 
Tariff  lieform  question,  was  wont  to 
retire,  leaving  BANBURY  and  another 
to  represent  the  majority." 

First  Order  of  the  day,  Committee 
on  Army  Bill.  Some  business  assem- 
blies would  forthwith  have  got  into 
Committee.  They  manage  these 
things  better  in  the  Lords.  Before 
LORD  CHANCELLOR  could  leave  Wool- 
sack, up  gat  HARDINGE  and  submitted 
what  HALSBURY  would  call  "  a  sort 
of  "  Shorter  Catechism  designed  to 
put  PORTSMOUTH  through  his  paces. 
Fourteen  questions  in  all.  UNDER- 
SKCUKTARY  FOR  WAR  half  risen  to 
wrest  li;  with  his  task  when  MoUNT- 
EDGCTMBE  interposed  with  another 
bucketful  of  interrogation. 

Debate  followed  on  Ministers'  cate- 
gorical replies.  CUKWF.  timidly  pointed 
out  that  proper  place  for  dealing  with 
points  raised  was  in  Committee. 

'  The  discussion,"  he  added, 
plucking  up  courage  as  he  caught 
sight  of  WEARDALE  entering  and  be- 


ginning to  people  the  plains  behind 
him,  "  is  most  irregular." 

This  brought  SALISBURY  to  his  feet 
with  stern  reproof. 

"  Irregular !"  he  cried  aloud.  "It 
is  one  of  the  most  regular  discussions 
upon  which  your  lordships  have  ever 
been  engaged." 

Proceeded  to  submit  a  few  more 
supplementary  questions,  just  as  if  he 
were  an  Irish  Member  in  another 
place.  Finally  Marquis  RIPON  be- 
sought noble  lords  to  get  into  Com- 
mittee, when  all  these  matters  might 
be  dealt  with.  This  it  did  at  end  of 
forty  minutes,  the  questions  already 
put  and  answered  being  straightway 
reiterated,  occasionally  in  form  of 
amendment  upon  which  many 
speeches  were  made.  PORTSMOUTH, 
forlornly  glancing  over  empty  benches 
behind  him,  avoided  divisions  by 
liberal  concessions. 

Business  done. — Lords,,  having 
wasted  forty  minutes  on  going  into 
Committee  on  Army  Bill,  do  penance 


II 


1 1  \i  ii,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


r.T,,Y  17,  1907. 


by  tilting  till  hi»lf-past  eleven.    Com- 


Hill    •    second 
:  217. 

.<««  o/   Common*.    Tmetday.— 
"  The  Angel  of  Death  DM  pawed  over 

it  quarter  part  ten  the  bti 
were  thronged  whips  hi 

members  on  both  sides  ha.  k  from 
hurried,  in  some  cases  unfinished, 
dinners.  Whilst  M  \KMMM  was  on 
his  legs  and  the  audience  grew 
restless  at  delay  of  the  i  Major 

SKELY  hurriedly  entered  and  made  his 
way  up  to  the  side  of  WALTER  FOB- 
TM  seated  below  the  Gangway. 
PaMed  I*  'he  Chair  and  the 

:>er  addressing  it,  an  unforgiv- 
able breach  of  Order  for  which  he 
was  sternly  rebuked  by  the  CIIAIK- 
M4V  11.  '.  \plaiiu-d  that  ik  M.-inlier 
was  taken  ill  in  the  Ix.bby  and  he  was 
in  search  of  medical  assist"' 

It  arrived  too  late.  Ai.uu.n  Hiu.- 
oiie  of  the-  Hirthday-Honoiir 
Knights,  feeling  that  further  discus- 
nl  a  foregone  conclusion  was 
waste  of  time.  I.  >d  half  an  hour 
earlier  seated  himself  at  one  of  th 
writing-tables  in  the  Division  l.obliy, 
intent  on  utilising  the  precious  mo- 
ineiitM  by  working  off  his  convs|iond 
enoe.  by -and  -by  the  l>ivision  bell 
would  ring,  and  ho  would  IK-  ready 
to  pass  on  with  the  rust  in  support  ol 

e.\ernincnt. 

In    due    course    the    division    bell 
clanged  through  the  Ixihhy.     Hut  it 
f«-ll  on  unheeding  ears.    The  Memlx-r 
.rth-cast   Staffordshire'  hod  re 
corded    his    lust     \ote;    and    ax    tin 
khmuded  IH«IV  was  carried  forth  th< 
;  ^ed  through  on  its  way 
t»  the  divisions. 

Friday. — Opinion    sharply    dividei 
on  proposal  to  have  debates  rv|*>rt<-< 
by  official  stenographer,  whose  note* 
•hall  be  written  out  and  printed  oi 
following  d  .\ .     This  done  as  matte 

by  the  morning  iiewcp 
According  to  prem-nt   s\-i.-m.  a  de 

I-;;'! 

wait  a  week  l»eforc  it  hus  oppottunitj 
•  •(   n  idmg   full  re|«r.rt   of   remarks 
Mr.    O'ltHUH.    Mr.     \.*:\.    and    oth. 

lay     largely    due  th:i 

mnmiMT 
rrviniou  of  M 


I'.rilli»nt     bits    forgot 
farthee<l 


vantage  gained  »f  early  mid  full  >• 

•  i-clics  sueh  as  those  \vhieh   the 
lit       bio. 

\-    l>i,  KI:SS  with  prophetic 
eye  wrote  in  t  '•«  sentei 

:l,,irth,   ••  The 

began    it." 
with  disquisition  on  stale  of  I'niver- 

lucation  in  Ireland.  Mr.  K 
in  no  hurry  to  finish.     Tup  turned  on, 
•  r  a  full  hour  and  a  half 

.  of  jH.ni|>oiis  nothing- 


of  inn 


wont 


''a  mere  will 


; 

••  ad 


reaolution, 


. 

ppropriating  what  WHS  left  of  second 
our  and  a  bit  over  for  luck. 

v,  out  of  possible  sitting  of  eight 


T1IF.  NF.NV  (TLTrKF.. 

T.-l     I IV    ill-' 

illiililii 

Hi, I  Latin  I'rinkinx  S.ii«  in  The  Slumlord^ 

Till     <  ll;li. IN    oK    TIIK    I 

(To  the  Kdllor  of  "  1'unek.") 
Sin.-The    interesting    and    epoch- 
making    .1  of    Thr    Stntnltinl 
that  the  famous  drinking  soiig.".\/i/ii 
i»  tut" ntii  muri,"  was 
is  full 
in    the 


written   by  "  \V\l.Ti:u 

i.f    exhilarating    potentialities 


domain  of  literary  authorship.  !'• 
ally  1  have  always  been  convince. d 
that  the  ancient  writers,  whether 
medieval  or  classical,  were  greatly 
over-rated  authors.  The  discovery  of 
Thr  ,S'((in</</r</,  though  subsequently 
declared  to  be  a  typographical  error. 
suggests  that  they  may  ii.-\er  have 
1  at  all.  For  my  own  part 
I  am  of  opinion  that  Sir  I. i:\vis 
Moiiuis,  who  wrote  The  /•.'/'"•  '•/ 
Hiiiirx,  is  i|uite  cajiable  of  having 
written  lV\Mi:'s  Infcrim:  tl 
amongst  other  masterpieces,  perpe- 
trated the  ('.K/C  <•/  llnnimunil'i;  and 
that  Lord  Avr.i'.fKV  wrote,  as  well  us 

selected.     Till'    Hlllllirfll    Hfxt     Jtool;*. 

Faithfully   yours, 
Si:i'iiMrs 


"TllE   YoVXO  1-BETECDER.1 

The  Idol  of  the  I'ppcr  Uidbod 
(Mr.  A-rt-n  fb-mb-rl-n). 

hours,   upwards  of   two   were   a|>pro- 
priated  by  a  couple  of  Members.   That 

M    good,     but      the     pleasure     u 
I     for     those     privileged     to 

thi'iiiseK,  s     within     hearing.      Here- 
after,   under    pro|>osed    n.  u 
Illelit.    We    shall    have    t  dies 

..  I...TI.   I    and    printed    at     length,    at 

•  f  a  grateful   country. 
Ha  Motion  f.,r  an  ad- 

ditional Judge  of  the  HiL-h  (  ourt. 

I,  and  the  less  you  use  the 


'  II  hi-  f.iilr.1  wilh  lii-  «<cond 

WM  llnXMt  invariably  eqtwlly  good." 

rt 


Dm   HYKOX   WKITI:   ll«'i;\ 

Ilif  l-'.il'ilnr  ,•}  "  I'nn,-h 

SIK,-  \Vhile  rec.'iitly  perusing  the 
works  of  //OHIO  in  the  fine  folio  edi- 
tion of  OKKLLI,  I  came  across  these 
lines,  which  seemed  t.i  me  strangely 
familiar:  - 

.InviMiiH  mm  rnrr  nil)  .-r 
Nil  in  in  vriiii-K  mi1  sup-r. 

I  consulted  the.  editor  of  The 
litinntr.  and  he  assured  me,  on  th.' 
authority  of  his  ( >\(<  id  oorreepondenl . 
that,  as  far  as  he  knew,  they  had 
never  been  translated  into  Knglish 
before.  Hut  in  an  old  copy  nf  l\nf- 

tuliox  I  have  encountered  the  couplet 

with  the   following  spirited,   if  some 
what  colloquial,  version  appended! 

1  'in  :i  ymiiij:  man  fmni  tin-  r.niiilry, 
lint  yn.i  «  in.-. 

There      is      a     dislinclly      Hxroiiie 
flavour  about    these   lines   which   sug 
uests  t,,  i, ie  that   the\   wen-  originally 
composed      b\       lilKoN.      or      perhaps 

.MI,.!,  .in. I  Bubsequently  appro 

priated  by  HOKN.K.    This  is.  of  course, 
a    question    that    call    onlv     be    tinally 

M'ttlecl  by  chronological  b  •  -.  I  have 
hitherto  failed,  in  spite  of  rej 
applications  to  the  editors  of  The 
liiiilij  I >inlri'nn,  llarnixi'ii'x  Weekly, 
and  other  literary  papers,  to  ascertain 
the  precise  century  in  which  HOIIM  i: 

flourished,    but    perhaps   some   of  your 

more    accomplished    readers    will    be 


JULY  17,  1007.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


^EEH^SMI- 


THE    MODERN    RACING    SEAT. 

l:i,i,'j,i,-lifl  (imlchiny  a  close  finish).  "  CRIKEY,  BILL!    LOOK  AT  'EM  BCMPINO  ONE  ANOTHER." 
Steond  Mvejadut.  "(UitN,  YE  SILLY.  You  WOULDN'T  MAKE  MUCH  OF  A  SIIAI-E  AT  STEEIIIN'  ANY  SORT  o'  CRAFT  IF  you  WAS  SITTIN'  ON  THE 

LIKE  THEM    LITTLE  CHAPS." 


able  to  supply  me  with  the  necessary 
information. 

Thanking    you    in    anticipation,    I 
inn,  dear  Sir,  yours  faithfully, 

MISEBKIMUS  DEXTER. 

DOES  GREEK  PAY? 
(To  the  Editor  of  " Punch") 
SIR, — I  venture  to  appeal  to  you, 
or  cine  of  your  wide  circle  of  readers, 
to  advise  me  on  the  following  point: 
— 1  propose  to  send  my  eldest  son, 
OKI. ANIIO,  to  Winchester  next  Sep- 
tember, 1ml  I  have  ivuson  to  believe 
that  unless  speeial  arrangements  arc 
niadr  ill  his  behalf  he  \\ill  he  obliged 
to  learn  Givek.  My  <>\\n  knowledge 
onl\  extends  to  an  oral  familiarity 
with  the  first  four  letters  of  that  al- 
phabet, but  that  is  sntlicient  to  con- 
vince me  that  the  strain  to  which 
OKI, \NIIO  will  be  subjected  is  likely 
to  prove  very  harassing  for  a  highly- 
strung  and  sensitive  youth.  I  can 
see,  however,  that  the  intellectual  ex- 
ertion might  be  considerably  lessened 
by  the  employment  of  good  transla- 


tions. What  I  wish  to  know,  there- 
fore, is  (1)  Has  DR.  EMIL  REICH  trans- 
lated HOMER  and  VIRGIL  as  well  as 
PLATO?  (2)  Is  Greek  of  any  use  on 
the  Stock  Exchange  ? 

Faithfully  yours, 

ANXIOUS  PARENT. 

WHO  WAS  HOMER? 

(To  the  Editor  of  "  Punch.") 
SIR, — Can  any  of  your  myriad 
readers  kindly  oblige  me  with  any  in- 
formation as  to  the  meaning  of  the 
phrase,  which  an  old  uncle  of  mine 
was  very  fond  of  quoting,  "  BALBUS 
eedificabai  nuiriini."  I  am  under  the 
impression  that  the  language  is  Latin, 
ami  that  the  name  of  the  author  is 
MOMKH,  but  1  cannot  tind  out  any- 
thing about  him  either  in  PEARS- 
WIIRTH'S  Sclf-Ktliiciiliir,  HAKUOD'S 
Encyclopedia,  or  the  Army  and  Navy 
Store's  Catalogue.  On  writing  to  the 
manager  of  The  Tim,-s  Book  Club  I 
received  a  courteous  reply,  saying 
that  on  the  return  of  Mr.  HOOPER 
they  hoped  to  communicate  with  me 


in  detail,  but  for  the  moment  could 
only  say  that  there  were  no  American 
novels  dealing  with  the  subject. 
I  am,  dear  Sir, 

Respectfully  yours, 

SELF-HELP. 


WEATHER  IN  THE  GREEN 
ISLE. 

Extract  from  111?  Duih/  'Wrra  of  itig 
Ri't<j(idicr~t!i-iicr<tl  conitimn'liixj  ,'Irt/  Caralry 
liriyailc  : 

VISIT  OF  His  MAJESTY  Tin:  Ki.\<;. 
On  the  occasion  (if  the  visit  of  His 
Majesty  the  King  to  Dublin  on  KMli 
instant,  the  Brigade  will  furnish  -UK) 
Cavalry,  as  under,  for  the  display  in 
the  streets  :  — 

3rd  Dragoon  Guards  ...    100 

llth    Hussars     'Jiiii 

19th    Hussars     100 

These  men  to  be  selected,  as  far 
as  possible,  from  men  who  are  able 

to  swim. 

Dress. — Review  order. 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHAKIVAK1. 


[.TI-I.Y  IT.  1007. 


ANI> 


HINTS   ON    Dll 
DBINK1] 
A  SrnroticM  or  EHISKKT  EXPKWW. 

famous  lawn- 

tennis  ex; 

ence  of  the  leading  players  in  part  at 
is  moderation 

of  tie 

\t  the  last  championship,      he 
writes.  "  1  was  struck  by  the 
of  snap  and  life  in  the  work  of  some 
members  '•«'»  team.     1 

was  horrified  when  I  found  that 
'  John  Barleycorn  '  had  been  shut  off 
y.  Training  as  they  do,  I 
think  a  glass  of 
ale  every  day. 
and,  when  II 
•feel  like  it/  a 
good  bottle  of 
wine,  would  do 
them  far  more 
good  than  other 
wise — but  one 
must  not  '  feel 
like  it'  t 

"      (Sl,i«./- 
ard.  July  '.Hh.i 

III  \ii-w  of  the 
intense  int. 
shown  at  the  pre- 
sent moment  in 
food  snd  feed- 
ing. Afr.  Punch 
has  been  at  pains 
to  secure  the 
opinions  of  a 
number  of  repre- 
sentative men  on 

relation  of 
diet  to  culture — 
physical  and 

:. 

I>r.      M  * 
MAKA.    M.P..    the 

famous       golfniR 
humourist      and 

•  •Hal  ex- 
pert, hold*  *trr>nR 
views  on  ti 

(    diet    and 
i*   it."  asks  this 


.1*.  followed  l.y  t  'haps 


it-lit    1  that,  although  • 

and   lish  people' pronounce  Biarritz 

it/,"   then-   i-   no   foundation    for   the 
innuendo.      In     conch:- 


VfUW     i>  1 1 ' '  .  , 

.    tO   be   dealt    with,     that   he  h:i  t  dlivcii  over  the 


isionally  add  n  ra 
Up  j;  \\ith  n  dash  of  tal 

Mr.      A! 

,:aet,T   «'f    !l    musical    eolllpo- 

sition  will  generally  lie  found  (•• 

iinu    to    the    nourishment    taken 


during  tlie  process  of  incubation 

;al    Man 

mend   haked   |x>tatoes.     For  >'.!• 
jM.rl; 


,,  hut  hojie<  to  d. 


11  !!.!.•»  •  a  lonji  letter, 

.  .f   whieli  put    into 

\\..|-,N  :    AM.  id    too  many   huns 
•niwherrii-i  just  h.-fnn-  a  inuteli. 
Sir  (in.  in  i:r  I'.MtKKH.  M.I'.,  w 

|.nhlii-ist  i  r  statesman  can  hope 


\\-ff 


"  Why 


nthl. 

witty  l.ut  nncom- 
piomming  democrat.  "  that  no  peer 
nan  ever  won  it.  nr  «T  open 

championship?  I  •  fact 

merely  to  the  i!  and 


vitiated    atmosphere 


of 


I'pp.-r 


Chan  '   il.ituul  indul- 

!i    the 

pleasures  of  the  table.    If  the  r.i.hility 
i        '  •  '    •      '  '    '     ...... 

"nd  n 
-phere  of 
ty  as  golf  professionals,    • 

Mr 

' 

I    find    the    best    preparation    '.••<• 


do   himsi-lf  or   his   subject    ji; 
unless  he  is  well  nourished.    Th. 

•d   and   drink  come   from   the   ( 

•;ttcd  to  in.^  and   for   my   own  part    I    know- 

no      better     pick- 
me-up  for  a  e 
1'  a  r  1  i  amentary 
effort       than       a 
glass    of 

claret.  This 
vintage       is 

•].-d      for     its 
tonic     qua 
my    friend     I 
\\  i:r.rKY         h  a  s 
found  it  .|int' 
eeptionally      rich 
i  n        beeswing 
ami i  the 

extra      ailviii 
— as  I    have    had 
i..n     to    note 
while      travelling 
that      il      runs 
admirably       from 
a  fountain  pen  or 
stylograph.         \s 
:d-  food.  I  do 
not    wish   to  ilou'- 
mat:  There 

of         course. 
Clinch    to    be   said 
for       the       I: 
•of  Old   I 
land.        lint     per- 
sonally   I    do  not 
think        it        can 
touch     a     Moose 
ik  or  a  prime 
fore-quarter  of  Wallaby." 


MAN 


AND    SUPERMAN. 

fc 


Irolr  .\r*  \ln*'rr  itnkin-j  friglit  at  li'm  tfflininil  red  ra-j     n  urm/dj  Jxir%rjun</).  "  \\ 
:     «f    (••!.'•       Wllil    Till     I'IMI     I'll-   Viif   DO   llltl    !••!."-    ' 

f'uir  S-ut/rn/  liirrrll;  I     1   IHiiKillT   T11E   0   —    D  TIIIMi    «»\rf:n    IT." 

[Art  Matter  apil<>'iii>fii. 


the  requisite  dcpressioi 
if    I     ever    eontemplati'd     writing    a 
W nit/.,  a  Polka,  or  a  Two-step — a  most 
unlikely   contingency.    \et    not   abso- 
lutely   inconcci\able      j    should 
bably    indulge    in 

i^e  such  as  sherbet,  or  |xissibly 

r.   with   a  shrill    infusion  of 

lemon." 

\ri.      M  •  th«     open 

|iion,  writes  an  interesting  letter 

the  pur| 
• 

i  n  i  fanatic 

on   tl  '    of  diet,   but 

suit  of  hi-  ri  -idence  nt  North  Berwick 
he  IP. 
"  1m] 


Golden  Words. 

"  I.I.I.M.    ANSWKKS   TO    '  CIIRONH  t.i: 
Hi  \i'i:its. 

Ih      \     r.AUItlSTKK   AT    1,\W. 

Tin:    e\leiit    of    the    liability    of    an 
insurance  company  depends  upon  the 

'      ;      hey." 


More  Commerc'al  Candour. 
"  R  r  n  i  N  s  r  i  t  s's    H  MUIHU.SSINC; 
SM.O..V.      Any     Lady    f>r    (lentleman 
thnt  will  f-ive  themselves  over  to  Mr. 
Rrnr.vsTKis-   for  half  an  hour  will  be 
nt  ally    surprised  nt  tho  result." 


Jn.Y   17,   1  ;Mi7.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Old  Scotch  Farmer  (having  sjiciit    slrpcnrc  on  a    raffle   li-ket    for  a  pony  and  trap  ralue  £50,  and    liarimj  iron  it,  is  aliown 
the  prize.     After  yaz'nuj  critically  at  it  for  some  minutes).  "Rl'T  wilXuit '»  TIIK  WHIT?" 


LONDON  STREET  NOISES. 

[It  in  asserted  by  an  evening  paper  that  n 
urw  kind  of  berrel-orgsn  is  to  be  put  on  the 
market  whirl,  \\ill  produce  only  the  most 
melodious  notes,  with  none  of  the  jingle  of 

thr  old  organs.-] 

MY  DKAK  JACK, — It  is  so  long  since 
you  left  England  that  London  will 
seem  quite  a  foreign  city  to  you. 
Perhaps  the  change  that  will  strike 
you  first  is  the  alteration  in  our  street- 
noises.  It  started  with  the  new 
barrel-organs,  and  after  that  the  im- 
provement was  rapid.  You  remember 
the  nittle  and  clatter  of  the  old  motor- 
huses?  All  that  is  changed.  A  thin 
hum  like  the  drone  of  a  distant  bee  is 
now  tlu>  sole  warning  you  get  before 
being  taken  in  the  small  of  the  back 
by  a  Vanguard  No.  6.  Further  down 
the  street  a  note  like  that  of  a  deli- 
cately modulated  fairy  horn,  followed 
by  a  shriek  of  agony,  tells  you  that  a 
Union  Jack  is  near.  The  death-rate 
has  increased,  but  we  are  no  longer 
too  deaf  at  forty. 

The  new  rcijime  is  not  confined  to 


the  West  Evd.  Wandering  down  the 
Commercial  Road  last  Tuesday  I  was 
struck  by  the  remarkable  improve- 
ment in  the  timbre  of  the  costers' 
voices. '  Ever  since  the  London 
County  Council  refused  to  grant 
hawkers'  licences  to  any  except 
students  of  the  Royal  College  of 
Music  the  coster  has  been  on  the  up- 
grade. The  new  system,  too,  of  com- 
pelling hawkers  to  call  their  wares  in 
ballad  form  has  given  an  immense 
stimulus  to  the  verse-writing  profes- 
sion. A  well-known  lyrist  of  musical 
comedy  told  me  yesterday  that  he  was 
going  to  specialize  in  whelk-lyrics.  I 
jotted  down  the  refrain  of  his  latest 
song,  which,  wedded  as  it  is  to  a 
charming  wal!/.  .air,  should  take  the 
town.  It  runs:  — 

"  Why  should  you  go  where  the  winkles  are 

lon^li,. I  ''. 
Why  should  you  Ml.-iy  uhere  the  \inegar 's 

I '.-id  '' 

Why  should  you  let  your  digestion  suffer 
When  such  a  quality  here  may  lie  had  '> 
Put  down  your  penny,  and  borrow  a  pin, 
Take  up  a  saua-rful,  go  in  and  win." 


It  is  a  sweetly  pretty  little  thing, 
and  beautifully  rendered  by  ALP 
BODGEII,  of  3,  Murphy's  Rents, 
Hoxton. 

I  was  talking  to  Lady  BKOOKLANDS 
the  other  day  in  the  Park.     She  tells 
me  the  old-fashioned  tooter  is  abso- 
lutely   demode    now,     and    all    the 
;  smartest  people  use  "melodies."     I 
hear  that  the  very  newest  model  can 
play   six  airs,   including   "A   chc   l/i 
morte,"  for  use  in  times  of  accident. 
Thine, 

BERTIK. 


Precocity  in  Paddington. 
"  TO-DAY,  at  Marylebone,  two  intelli- 
gent-looking and  respectably-dressed 
boys,  aged  eight  and  seven,  were 
charged  with  begging  in  the  \\V-t 
End.  .  .  .  The  fathers  of  the  hoys  said 
they  had  each  been  in  situations  for 
over  I'd  years,  and  \\ere  earning  good 
wages.  The  boys  were  well  ted  and 
cared  for,  and  were  in  want  for  no- 
thing. Their  wives  were  also  good 
mothers." — Puddington  Indicator. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Vr  r*ur*iA  Cl 

,  u  is  really  i 

of  Staffordshire  as  exhibited  m  Mr 
latest  book,  Tht 

MAS  A»D  H\;  h  the  esosfw 

the  comedy  is  almost  unrelieved.  th« 
tale  has  a  wry  twist.     Whilst  all,  b 

is  a  considerable  variation  of  n 
Chtti.  wayward  femininity,  1 

v  local  traits,  and  the  '    I 
happened  to  anyone:  but  ,th  of 

to  another  pair  of  shoes.     II.  n-  we  hav«>, 
treated  with  much  insight  and  humour,  the  .piain: 

seems  to  a  S-uth.-rner)  produced  by  an  infusion  of 
artistic  spirit  into  :  -y  day.     The  matter-of-fact 

manufacturer  who  is  also  a  consummate  n.usician,  and 
4i~  « ......,;..  ,,,,,,,t..r  who  makes  an  idyll  for  nil  time  out 


rth 

•;.,    I«'IIM'- 
. 

iere  and  1 1 

.  llelil 


.  .. 

,,f  a  I  nty-achool  outing  with  a  barmaid  I  yd  has 

no  honour  in  hi*  own  country),  form  a  wcll-conc.-ixed 
.t.-l  in  the  proper  setting  of  lighted 
one  crow  to  ptofc 


tram-cars  and  slush.     Hut  we  have 
with   Mr.  r.     His  last  story 

deals   with   the   unfortunate,    though 
humorous,  coi  <  of  packing  a 

1  'lorgonzola  in  an  empty  coflin  for 
a  railroad  journey,  and  he  claims  for 
the  episode  a  Midland  origin.  Hut 
be  is  surely  mistaken.  In  n  richer. 
racier  farm  (it  was  a  "  I.imbur. 
we  b-  '  hat  anecdote,  is  one  of 

the  grim  smiles  of  MARK  TWAIN. 


;    „    tO    the    le\.'l   ..f    tile    shilling 

,i   i<.  iti  spit,'  ..f  tl.e  prevailing  gloom  of 
tind  it  unfommon|y  thrilling. 

r  Pi  MI\'S  inirratise  ,-f  th.-  bit.  f-  r 

11  unoonquered  in  its  aolil  -  bwa 

,,f  indomitable  en.|.-a\our.  ..f  alertness  by  day  and  n; 
tl.e    watcher   ready    to    take    .idvimt  «TJ    Bhlfting 

,,f  th.-  wind,  even   drifting  of  th.-  ice.     I  lie  daunt 
did  not  reach  the  object  of  his  journey, 


JOBS  MTRRAY  has  just  published  a 
new  edition  of  T/ir  Heart'*  Highway. 
Miss  MARY  E.  WII.KISS  s  charm- 
ing romance  of  seventeenth-century 
life  in  Virginia.  AK  Virginia,  n"\v  a 
(•trapping  and  independent  wench, 
rated  her  three-Hundredth  birth- 
day in  last  Mar,  this  record  of  In  r 
childhood 'a  da\*.  uhi-n  sh<»  was  just 


turned  seventy-five,  is  of  particular 
•     »t     tho    present    moment. 

ro  she  was  a  colony  we  know,  on  th. 
tnony  of  Sir  WALTER  RAI.HHII,  that  she  had  contracted 
the    tobacco   habit,    and    the    brand    named    after    her 
(plucked  for,  instead  of  from,  tho  burning)  may  now  he 
purchased  the  wide  world  over.     Hut  at  the  time  of  Miss 
Wiutixa's  story  she  was  forbidden.  b\   the  Navi 
Act.  to  sell  it  anywhere  but  in  England.        A.,  th 
clearly  not  the  act  of  God.  Virginia   refused    to  t 
lying  down,  and  one  fine  night  Mittrct*  Mary  Car,-ti<li*li 
(another  good  old   tobacco  name)    and    V-i-'.r    Harry 
•  'Id,  her  tutor  and  r  with  many  other 

ians,  set  to  work  to  destroy  their  own  crops  of  th. 

«o  that,  at  any  rat.-,  th,   ...-rasping  n 
country  should  not  r.  ap  th-  result  of  this 

•     • •      -i  ,-'.'•      .' ; .  • .       -    • 

mpnw.r..  stocks;  anol 

Miitm*  Mary  to  his  arms,  and  so  b 
o-story. 

omen  a  f  the 

same  author's  ;  n.     My  own  me,. 

it    was   at    t) 

•        • i  r  .  i  •  !!,.,: 

what    the   ] 


a<  m  Hin- 

^'iTi'lie  mom. -i  '•'  'ban  once  hoped  to  do.      Hut   li- 

returns  victor,  since,  as  he  succinctly  puts  it  in  the  title 

,,f  his  iH-k.  "trt  Hf  r-i-     H'  rcmm 

When  the  Hi>om  r<  It  turned  back  on  the  southerly  tad:, 
she   had  come   within    171   nautical   mil.-s  of   the   n, 
spot  where   Science   has   located   the   North    Pole. 
mander  Pi.Mtv,  though  he  did  not  accomplish  his  b. 

i   a   n.-w    land   north-west   of  the   north- 
tem   part   of  (Irani    Land,   probably   an   island   in 
westerly  extension  of  the  North   American   Archipel 
Had  the  winter  of  l!»n.Vr,.  througli  which  the  cxped 
struggled,  not  been  an  open  one  for  Arctic  i  "m- 

mandi-r  I'KAK.Y  has  no  doubt  that  he  would  have  fulfilled 
the  dream  of  forerunners  in  the  .1 
whose  bones  are  bleached  <m  Arctic 
snows.  He  means  to  have  another 
try.  Tho  thrilling  story  is  illustrate,! 
bv  a  number  of  vivid  pootognphj  ad- 
mirably reproduced.  A  singularly 
beautiful  one  [.resents  a  moonlight 
.f  the  ship  fro/en  in  h.-r  winter 
i|iiarter8.  Dr.  WOI.K,  surgeon  of  the 
lition,  to  whom  Kiidishmeii  and 
others  living  at  hom- 

v  indebted  for  these  glimp- 
the  Weird   world   beyond   Greenland's 

icv  mountains,  obtained  this  | rless 

picture   b'  'ig  the  camera   for 

three  hours  in  the  full  moon  shining 
through  a  liecember  night. 

A  Cockney  yacht-man  I  for  on- 
only  I  was  oiice  heard  in  remark  that 
lie     supposed      the      variegated      bllovs 
which    dot    the   Thames    mouth    w.-r,- 


SKKTi'H    FROM    XATI  KK. 


part  of  an  L.C.C.  scheme  for  b.-au- 
tifving  (Jreater  Ixindon.  Mr.  A  1'.  i  ,,I-I-IN.;,  in  his 
book  dotty  and  tin  Unr'nur  ( K.  C.IUM  l!i.  HAIM-SI. 
would  have  you  believe  that  his  knowledge  of  seaman- 
ship  and  the  sea  is  only  a  few  degrees  less  primitive, 
ana  as  the  dnr'nor  he  sustains  the  character  of  the 
ignorant  landsman  with  a  skill  that  almost  compels 
belief.  It  might  i|iiite  compel  it  w.-re  it  not  that 
<!«tt>l,  with  his  sbn-wd  wisdom,  his  humour,  his  splen- 
did indifference  to  things  beyond  his  immediate  ken, 
could  n.-v.-r  have  been  drawn  but  by  one  who  has  the 
Kstuary  sailorman  at  his  (inkers'  ends.  On  such  a 
.rticiihirl;  Mr.  Wll.l.  <)v. 

drawn    in.--,  itably    int..   a    comparison 

with   Mr.  .l.\c..ns.      !..-(    me  state,   then,   that    for  all   the 

throat  •cutting  there  should   l»-   l.etw.eii   th.-   two   authors 

liyhl    be    |M,|.  •        Mr     . I  \.oiis    has,    ind.-ed, 

ind.  but  Mr.  Col-l'lNii  man:, 

erowdin^        \-    ti  n    pro- 

\.-rb  puts  it.  thongli  tin-  vessel  be  fulfilled  of  olives,  there 
r.K.ni  f.  :illoiis  of  oil. 


A  Long  Month  of  Sunday*. 

in  Angiint ."  —  Churr)i  Timct. 


JOLT  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


55 


How  WEEK-END-ON-SEA  LOOKS  IN  BEAUTY,  AND  HOW  IT  BECOMES  TRANSFIGURED  BY  TOE  HAND  OF  TUB  POSTER  ARTIST. 


WEATHER    INTELLIGENCE. 

["  The  Judge  said  they  had  only  themselves  to  blame  for  the  bad 
weather,  (or  it  was  the  swearing  that  brought  it  on." — A  recent  Report.] 

You  that  of  late  were  busily  complaining 
Of  the  pale  Sun's  obscure  and  futile  glow, 

Who  thought  it  rained  from  being  fond  of  raining, 
And  blew  because  it  felt  inclined  to  blow, 

Who  found  your  work,  your  play, 
Your  very  week-ends,  wholly  chucked  away, 

Listen  to  me ;  I  bring  you  weighty  tidings — 
Tidings,  my  erring  friends,  to  give  you  pause; 

Tis  in  your  own  deplorable  backslidings, 
And  them  alone,  that  you  must  seek  the  cause. 

Hear  then  my  tale,  and  learn 
The  inner  history  of  the  whole  concern. 

For  when  the  young  Spring  rose,  and  all  things  vernal 
Blossomed  anew,  there  swept  across  the  land 

A  wave  of  language  that  was  so  infernal 
That  even  Nature  found  it  hard  to  stand ; 

My  brothers,  it  was  one 
Too  many  even  for  our  friend  the  Sun. 

Day  after  day  (with  each  day  getting  longer, 

Which  made  it  worse)  His  onward  path  He  took, 

While  day  by  day  your  message  came  up  stronger — 
Beally,  He  hardly  knew  which  way  to  look, 

Such  wealth,  such  mass  of  sound 
Impinged  like  shrapnel  on  His  daily  round  I 

Yet  still  He  staggered  through  the  course  of  duty, 
Till,  finally,  there  rose  a  strenuous  hum, 


So  vivid,  so  incomparably  fruity, 
That,  as  a  curate  walking  through  a  slum 

Hides  his  diminished  head 
By  putting  an  umbrella  up,  'tis  said, 

"  This  is  too  much,"  He  cried,  "  henceforth  and  alway, 
From  My  first  beam  o'er  Greenwich,  without  fail, 

E'en  to  My  going  down  o'er  furthest  Galway, 
I  will  obscure  My  Presence  with  a  veil  t 

Then,  O  ye  winds,  awake; 
One  of  you  bring  some  clouds,  for  goodness"  sake  I" 

'Twas  done.     The  winds,  in  due  allegiance,  hearkened; 

And  daily  from  the  sou-sou-west-by-sou 
Up  came  the  clouds  until  the  skies  were  darkened, 

To  veil  the  splendour  of  His  decent  brow ; 
And  thus,  from  morn  till  night, 

You  got  your  cold  and  rain — and  serve  you  right  I 
*  *  *  *  * 

A  pretty  tale,  and  moral  in  its  bearing, 

Yet,  after  all,  it  falls  a  trifle  flat, 
For,  if  you  put  the  Weather  down  to  swearing, 
You  raise  the  question,  what  you  're  swearing  at — 

Which  floors  it  altogether, 

Because  you  've  all  been  swearing  at  the  Weather. 
^^^        DuM-Duu. 

The  Loves  of  the  Vegetables. 

QUESTION  in  seedsman's  advertisement:—  '  \\  hy  do 
some  cabbages  bolt  in  spring  without  hearting? 

Suggested  answer:  They  wish  to  make  a  manage  de 
convenance. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Jnv  21.  1907. 


AN    ENVOY    EXTRAORDINARY. 
ITo  Mr  Km  lUswm,  «bool  to  uk.  •  «*•«•  round  the  worl 

^HSfe^ri^S^SS 

•   faKT«£riiU  i»  I-*-.  ••* »  |T_0'rB  WO"U>    to 


FAIE  winds  attend  you  where  you  i 
To  put  a  girdle  round  the  Eartl 
And  bring  you  back  robust  and  bale 
ii  litber  limb*  and  larger  girth 
And  full  of  facts  from  over-sea 
Undreamed-of  by  the  I.L.P. 
In  their  profound  philosophy  1 

Sampling  the  fat  terrestrial  ball 

It  should  not  shock  you  much  to  find 
That  England  'a  relatively  small ; 
To  this  you  never  yet  were  blind ; 
It  should  surprise  you  rather  more 
How  few  upon  how  many  a  shore 
Have    ever  beard  of  you  before. 

1  .n  will  remark  that  millions  lie 
In  gloom  so  absolute  that  they 
Manage  to  live  and  even  die 
\Y  about  a  solitary  ray, 
To  hint  of  how  your  Party  strives 
To  illuminate  their  dusky  lives 
And  make  them  jib  at  British  gyves. 

From  your  excursion  round  the  Globe 
You  are  to  spare  some  fourteen  days 
To  pierce  the  Hindu's  heart  and  probe 
The  mystery  of  his  devious  ways ; 
His  views  on  God  and  Life  and  Fate, 
On  Caste  and  Kings,  on  Love  and  Hate, 
Wisdom  shall  teach  you  "  while  you  wait." 

Within  a  fortnight,  chiefly  spent 

Inside  a  lot  of  stuffy  trains. 
You  will  imbibe  a  continent 

Distilled  through  various  Babu  brains, 
And  apprehend  in  half  a  mo 
What  takes  a  man  ten  years  or  so 
To  know  that  he  can  never  know. 

And  over  darkest  England's  night, 

With  knowledge  like  a  flaming  brand, 
You  will  return  and  throw  a  light 
That  never  was  on  sea  or  land ; 

Big  with  your  fortnight  you  will  come 
And  breathe  a  tale  to  strike  him  dumb 
In  MORLEY'S  trembling  tympanum. 

And  should  our  Indian  Empire  wane, 
And  MINTO'S  nerve  amount  to  nil, 
And  scared  officials  sigh  in  vain 
For  LAXSDOWXE'S  lore  and  CUEZON'S  skill,— 
Then  shall  our  Isle,  in  that  eclipse, 
Appeal  to  you.  for  expert  tips, 
And  hang  upon  your  travelled  lips. 

0. 8. 

THE  Leicester  Mercury  has  discovered  a  new  n 
of  reporting  cricket  matches.    We  can  only  indicate  tin 
method  here  by  an  example  or  two :  — 

(1)  "At  RSKBVICK  relieved  FIKLDEB.  and  173 
runs  came  in  his  first  over,  but  HIRNS  loft  at  1  17." 

(2)  "  The  century  w«»nt  up  after  two  hours'  play,  the 
•seoad  50  taking  two  hours  and  a  quarter  to  score." 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 

OUT  of  tin-  mists  of  tho  last  century,  as  I  search  the 

past,  rises  the  figure  of  I.trn.r   AI.IV.       Ho  is  n  short, 
>ullot-headed   follow,   with   a  dirty -brown,   Fimb  : 
i,,j,,].i  n  the  logs  with  which  In-  shamble! 

about  bo  has  a  pair  of  .-. 

•stentatio:.  ••<!.  «nd  about  six  inches  too  l< 

,jm.  .'  is  full-bodied,  and  ci  n  his 

and    liis  \\hat    v  ritual    colour- 

lesign  of  his  coat  no  man  can  say.  It  hus  tails,  mid  is 
mttoned  raffish  I  v  across  hi  On  his  head  is  a 

mttered  bowler-bat,  innocent  of  tho  greater  part  of  the 
>rim  that  one.-  surrounded  it.  1  do  not  think  DC  trouble! 
us  chest  and  hack  with  a  shirt  of  any  kind,  ami  1 

ly  docs  not   woar   a  collar.  of   it   ho   has 

wrapped  an  old  red  handkerchief  round  his  throat,  and 
ias  knotted  it  carelessly  in  front.  Thus  garmented  hi-  is 

walking  his  beat  in  Jesus  Lane   and   .Malcolm    ^ 
Cambridge,  at  one  o'clock  of  the  day.  when  the  under- 
graduates,  released  from  the  last  lecture  of  the  morning, 
ire  returning  to  their  rooms  to  lunch,      li  alone. 

!or  a  mixed  company  of  dogs  and  puppies  attends  upon 
Two  puppies  are  in  his  arms;  the  rest  lie  is  1 


nun. 


>y  various  lengths  of  string.      Hear  him  as  he  stops  a 
wssiblc  customer  and  salutes  him  :  — 

"  Mornin',   Guv'ner.     I  've   brought   that   bull-terrier 
[  told  you  about.     (He  pulls  up  a  n-lurfant  ]"ippy  t«  the 
'rant  rank.       The  puppy  is  very  linn  ,   i/.s   ri/<x  run   l>c 
counted.     It  was  once  white.     In   another  life,   i' 
perhaps  become  a  bull-terrier.     At  present  its  ancestry  in 
doubtful.)    There,  Guv'ner.     Ain't  'e  a  beaut  v  .' 
see  setch  a  dawg  for  six  months.     Ixx>k  at  'is  muscle. 
There  's  nothin*  that  daw;;  won't  do  when  V  grows  up. 
You  could  put  him  between  the  shafts  of  a 
and  set  behind  'im,  and  'e  '11  get  you  to  Newmarket  in  no 
lime." 

The  Undergraduate  (dubiously).    Let  's  see  his 

Little  Alec  (stooping  down  and  insfrting  a  dirty  fimjrr 
in  the  puppy's  mouth).  I  'in  the  only  one  as  dares  do  this 
with  'im.  'E  bit  orf  the  top  o'  my  landlady's  thumb 
last  week.  All  in  play,  o*  course;  but  I  pive  you  my 
david  it  made  me  jump  when  1  come  in  and  found  'im 
tossin'  it  about  on  the  earth-rug.  'E  Rwallored  it  down 
when  'e  sec  me,  and  I  cut  'im  orf  'is  dinner.  ( //«•  /orrrs 
open  the  dog's  mouth.)  Tin  nor.  l>id  you  r\.-r 

see  setch  a  picter?    They  '11  be  bigger  nor  that  too  afore 
'e  's  done  with  'em. 

The  Undergraduate.  Will  he  hold  on  to  a  stick  or  a 
handkerchief,  and  let  you  pull  him  up  by  his  teeth? 

Little   Alee.    Lor'    bless   you,    'e   does    that    : 
pleasure,  same  as  you  goes  ridin'  or  boatin'.     I 
im  'anging  up  in  the  air  this  mornin'  for  a  matter  of 
twenty   minutes   as   fierce   as   a    lion.      You    try    'im, 
Guv'ner. 

[The  Undergraduate  tries  him  u-ith  a  handkerchief, 
but  the  puppy  shows  no  interest  whatever  in  the 
matter. 

Little  Alec.  Tho  pore  beast 's  shy,  that 's  what  '«  is. 
'E  don't  know  you  yet,  Guv'ner,  and  'e  don't  know  your 

••    :  T    b       '•      D     '•     v..'!    BOOUgh,    but    '• '•   tore    'em 

all  up.     What !  Don't  like  'i  Think  it  's  too  long? 

\Vliy,  that  's  one  of  'is  points,  that  tail  is.     We  don't 

site  the  tail  orf  of  a  bull-terrier.      'K  's  got  to  'ave 

it  long.     But  1  '11  do  it  for  you  if  you  like.     Take  me  up 

to  your  room,  Guv'ner,  and  1  '11  bite  it  orf  as  short 

want  it,  only  it  '11  ruin  tho  dawg.      'K  '11  be  so  ashamed 

If  'e  '11  never  lift  'is  'cod  up  again,  not  if  you  wan 

to  fill  the  place  with  rots  for  'im.     Now,  Guv'ner,  you 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARtVARI.-JuLY  21,  1907. 


A   SLACK   TIME. 

FIRST  "CHUCKER-OUT"  (LORD  LANSDOWNE).  "NOT  MUCH  DOIN'  IN  OUR  LINE." 

SECOND  "  CHUCKER-OUT  "  (LORD  HALSBURY).  "  NO.     BUT    JUST    ON    CLOSIN'    TIME    WE    SHALL    HAVE 
MORE  THAN  WE  CAN  TACKLE!" 
[The  Peers  have  recently  made  fresh  complaints  about  the  intermittent  character  of  the  business  that  comes  before  the  Upper  Chamber.] 


JOLT  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


take  Mm.     Three-pun-ten,  and  dirt  cheap.     LITTLE  ALEC 
wouldn't  deceive  you.     'E  'a  a  bargin. 

[The  business  is  eventually  concluded  for  one  pound 

and  a  pair  of  trousers,  and  LITTLE  ALEC  departs 

in  triumph. 

It  was  in  this  fashion,  as  I  remember,  that  LITTLE  ALEC 
used  to  carry  on  his  avocation  of  dog-selling.  Everybody 
know  him ;  nobody  believed  him;  yet  somehow  he  used  to 
sell  the  strange  curs  that  he  led  about  the  streets  of  Cam- 
bridge. His  margin  of  profit  must  have  been  consider- 
able, but  his  dinyiness  never  altered,  nor  did  his  general 
disreputability  decrease.  Parasitically  attached,  as  it 
were,  to  the  undergraduate  world,  he  lived  his  little  day. 
Here  a  trouser,  there  a  coat,  and  there  again  a  pair  or 
two  of  stockings  came  to  him  by  way  of  barter,  and  en- 
abled him  to  face  the  weather  with  his  canine  troop. 
Where  he  obtained  his  animals  was  a  mystery.  Some 
supposed  that  he  made  midnight  raids  on  Oxford  and 
denuded  that  city  of  her  stray  dogs  in  order  that  he  might 
retail  them  at  Cambridge ;  but  for  myself  I  reject  this 
imputation  on  the  dog-fancying  capacities  of  the  sister 
university.  To  his  dwelling-place  even  imagination 
refused  to  penetrate.  Certainly  he  did  not  come  from 
Araby  the  Blest,  nor  from  Ceylon's  Isle,  over  which  the 
spicy  breezes  are  said  to  blow  soft.  Nobody  knew  when 
he  ended.  On  one  day,  it  seemed,  he  was.  On  the  next 
he  had  vanished  to  a  country  where  there  are  no  dogs,  no 
undergraduates,  no  trousers,  and  no  red  mufflers. 


THE    POET    AT    HOME. 

[A  propos  of  the  outwardly  disagreeable  husband  who  is  at  heart  an 
excellent  fellow,  to  be  relied  on  in  every  crisis  of  life,  The  Daily  Mirror 
remarks  :  "  Most  women  would  certainly  prefer  amiability,  and  would 
agree  to  rely  upon  the  fire  brigade  in  case  of  a  conflagration."] 

THEY  tell  me  JOHN  'a  a  genius— you  scarce  could  find 

A  mind 

Where  tenderness  and  vigour  are  so  charmingly  com- 
bined ; 
They  say  his  every  thought 

Is  fraught 

With  many  a  dainty  whim,' 
And  happy,  happy  she 

Must  be 

Who  ministers  to  him: 
But  the  glory  isn't  always  so  sublime; 
You  should  see  him  when  he  's  rather  pressed  for  time ; 
You  should  also  come  and  hear  him — 
Though  on  no  account  go  near  him — 
When  he  's  worried  by  an  aggravating  rhyme. 
Then  the  kitten  and  the  pup  forget  their  strife, 
And  they  hide  themselves  behind  the  poet's  wife; 
They  anticipate  disaster 
When  they  see  their  baffled  master 
Pull  out  Walker,  and  they  scurry  for  dear  life.' 

They  tell  me  JOHN  'a  a  person  whom  it 's  quite  a  treat 

To  meet, 
His  manners   are  so  graceful  and   his  compliments  so 

neat; 
I  'in  told  he  has  a  smile 

To  wile 

The  stoniest  of  hearts, 
And  when  he  pleases,  all 

Must  fall 

Before  his  magic  arts. 

But  I  wish  that  they  could  hear  his  morning  growl 
At  the  bacon  or  the  kidneys  or  the  fowl ; 


ENGLAND'S  ONLY  REMAINING  CHAMPION. 


And  I  wish  that  they  were  able 

To  be  present  at  the  table 
When  he  greets  me  with  his  matutinal  scowl. 
They  may  envy  any  woman  that  can  boast 
Of  a  partner  who  is  such  a  charming  host, 

But  a  wife  is  apt  to  hanker 

For  a  husband  who  will  thank  her 
When  she  passes  him  the  butter  or  the  toast.' 

They  tell  me :  1'  In  his  inmost  heart  your  JOHN  is  true 

To  you ; 
He  loves  you  with  a  wondrous  love  that  is  vouchsafed  to 

few. 
Suppose  your  house  caught  light 

To-night 

And  you  were  up  above. 
Then  what  were  life  and  limb 

To  him  ? 

He  'd  give  them  both  for  love.  '1 
But  I  do  not  find  that  life  is  all  compact 
Of  occasions  for  some  great  heroic  act ; 
There  are  dull  prosaic  seasons 
When  a  woman  may  have  reasong 
To  prefer  a  little  courtesy  and  tact. 
Though,  for  all  I  know,  my  JOHNNIE  may  be  made 
In  a  way  that  puts  most  heroes  in  the  shade, 

Still,  suppose  the  house  were  burning, 
I  should  rather  have  a  yearning 
For  the  London  County  Council  Fire  Brigade.' 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Jour  24,  1907. 


THE  NEW  BUHOI.AKV 


—  "•  *--  i1-*  - 
C.Q«M  UM 
He   • 


IT  is  intening  to  learn  that  the 
Horn*  Office,  in  conjunction  with 
Scotland  Yard,  baa  lately  been  con- 
r  very  seriously  the  question  of 
the  modern  trend  in  burglary. 

For  burglary,  like  everything  else 
in  these  times  of  flux,  is  rapidly 
changing  iu  character.  In  the  old 
days  a  burglar  waa  a  burglar—  a 
desperate  man  who.  being  without 
property  of  his  own,  took  that  of 
other  persons.  Breaking  into  a 
house,  be  would  remove,  in  the  time 
at  his  command,  whatever  was  port- 
able and  valuable,  converting  the 
booty  into  cash,  and  living  luxuri- 
ously on  the  proceeds  until  the  sum 
was  exhausted,  when  he  would  again 
put  forth  his  hand  to  the  jemmy. 
Those  times,  however,  are  past.  The 
modern  burglar,  produced  by  a  speci- 
ally expert  age,  confines  himself  to 
one  line,  disregarding  others.  Thus, 
the  diamond  burglar  will  not  touch 
pearls  or  rubies,  and  the  GAINS- 
soaorou  burglar  will  not  be  bothered 
with  ROMXEYS.  There  have,  of  course, 
exceptions  to  the  rule,  but  they 
owing  to  defective  light  or  want 
of  expert  knowledge  on  the  part  of  the 
cracksman.  In  the  rage  for  speciali- 
sation, some  members  of  the  profes- 
sion are  devoting  themselves  to  the 
oddest  things.  There  are  even  cut- 
flower  burglars,  and  burglars  who  con- 
fine themselves  to  abstracting  croco- 
dile* from  the  Zoo.  Nothing  is  too 
bizarre  for  these  terrible  artiste. 

Now  this  makes  exceedingly  hard 
for  the  Criminal  Investigation 
Department,  and  they  have  decided 
that  the  detectives  must  be  better 
educated.  It  is,  for  example,  of  the 
highest  importance  that  a  detective 
should  know  as  much  sbout  a  subject 
as  the  burglar.  To  acquire  such 
knowledge  in  the  department,  say,  of 
art,  is  not  an  easy  or  an  inexpensive 
matter.  It  takes  a  long  time  to  dis- 
tinguish a  ROMXET  from  a  GAINS- 
MMOOOB.  Nevertheless,  it  must  be 
done,  and  hence  the  Committee's  re 
oommeodstion  that  a  school  of  art 
and  picture  gallery  at  Scotland  Yard 
:-  ;.  :  i. 

As  to  punishment,  there  are  novel 

mittee  are  strongly  in  favour  of  i 
process  of  satiation  such  an  has  been 
found  so  efficacious  with  dipso- 


maniacs. It  is  highly  probabl 
example,  that  the  n«-\t  I'ieture 
burglar  who  is  convicted  will  be  sen- 
tenced, not  to  Holluway,  but  to  six 
its'  compulsory  eooflnaOMnl  in 
the  Tato  or  Dord  Galleries,  or,  for 
particularly  bad  cases,  the  Soane 
Museum.  ^^^^ 

HIGHWAYS  AND  BYWAYS  IN  UPSHIRL 

rji/i,    nl><  nit    six    miles   to   the 
*. nth-east  of  Bunterwind,  is  situated 


BinHTLAC*  or  OLDEUT  INHABITANT  or  I'rami*. 
on  the  river  Tubb.  Averdip  was 
granted  by  King  EADBALD  as  early  as 
the  year  016  to  the  Priory  of  Christ 
Church,  Minterbury.  Averdip  churdi 
is  interesting  Perp. — in  fact,  it  is 
a  question  whether  a  Perper  churdi 
exists.  It  is  a  fine  cruciform  structure, 
with  a  central  tower  and  a  twelfth- 
century  chancel  which,  like  the  Sec- 


*»f»  rf    UpjhTr* 
V  WV  *«•»-•'*. 

rotary  for  War,  is  remarkable  for  its 
fine  proportions.  The  oldest  inhabi- 
tant lives  at  Averdip,  which  is  famous 
also  for  its  fly-paper  industry.  It  \vns 
at  Averdip  that  WILLIAM  COBBETT 
offered  the  Tory  squire  a  gloss  of  beer 
vility,  or  shall  I  say  hostility? 
which  almost  led  to  blows. 

Arktcalrr.  This  is  a  growing  sea- 
side resort  at  the  mouth  ••;'  tin.-  Shorn. 
Great  things  arc  expected  of  it  by  the 


local  magnates.  It  is,  ,  indeed,  a 
veritable  marine  paradise  for  the 
young,  having  not  only  water  but  also 
a  beach  of  sand.  Paddling  is  carried 
on  here  all  through  the  summer 
months  regardless  of  wet  f'->  t  It 
was  at  Arkwuter  that  NAPOLEON  once 
meditated  landing;  but  little  or 
nothing  camo  of  his  project,  and,  as 
everyone  knows,  he  was  defeated  l>y 
the  English  and  confined  at  St. 
Helena,  where  he  ultimately  died 
some  eighty  years  ago.  An  inten -st- 
ing account  of  his  second  fuiu-ral  will 
be  found  in  the  I'ari*  Sketch  Hook,  \>\ 
WILLIAM  MAKKI-I  :A«  K  TIIACKI:IIAV,  who 
was  not,  howevi  r,  an  Arkwater  man, 
having  been  born  in  Calenttn. 

The  church  of   St.   Jude   has   the 
usual  amount  of  Early  !'•  ••;•.-•  ss,  and 
some  fine  brasses.   The  «.-ifi- 
SUSANNAH  JOHNSON  li. 

Aximster  is  situated  two  miles 
north  of  Swingford,  where  the  old  Cal- 
lows may  still  be  seen.  The  Xnnjiitc 
Calendar  contains  some  very  in! 
ing  records  of  two  malefactors  ul." 
were  hanged  in  chains  here  in  ITl'.i 
for  the  murder  of  a  curate ;  but  why 
they  should  have  murdered  him,  <>r 
why  it  should  have  been  considered  a 
crime,  no  one  seems  to  Know.  The 
church  is  a  building  of  E.K.  nnd  sub- 
sequent styles,  with  a  fine  Early  Perp. 
tower.  The  Rev.  DECIUS  HAWKK  was 
once  rector  here,  and  it  was  while  la- 
was  at  Aximster  that  he  wrote  the 
best  of  the  Gorey  Hymns.  For  a 
short  while  the  unfortunate  Lord 

WlLFORD    WOS    his    pupil    here,    before 

leaving  for  that  grand  tour  with  I>r. 
KASTNER,  which  had  such  a  remark- 
able and  tragical  ending.  But  of  that 
this  is  no  place  to  tell. 

CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  possible  that  the  Peace  Con- 
ference will  not,  after  all,  prove 
live,    but   that   a   resolution    will    lie 
passed  to  the  efieet  that  no  War  ma\ 
be  begun  without  a  formal  declara- 
tion.      Any     Power    cinlmrkin 
hostilities    without    this    preliminary 
will  bo  adjudged  to  have  lost  even 
though  it  may  win. 

The  Army  Council  suggests  the 
formation  of  week-end  camps  for  the 
Territorial  Army.  It  is  hoped  later 
on,  with  the  help  of  the  Hague  Tri- 
bunal, to  arrange  a  series  of  Saturday - 
to-Monday  wars  so  that  the  Terri- 
torial Army  may  not  be  at  a  dis- 
advantage. 

*  * 
• 

Grave  fears  are  expressed  lest  the 
expedition  fitted  out  by  the  SULTAN 
against  KAISULI  should  be  kidnapped. 


JULY  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


61 


Bertie.  "WELL,  MOTHER,  I  DOH'T  CARE  WHAT  TOD  SAT.      I  THINK  BHE'S  A  REGULAR  BRICK." 
Mother.  "  VERT  LIKELT.    SHE  CERTAINLY  SEEMS  TO  BE  TIIROWINO  HERSELF  AT  SOMEBODY'S  HEAD." 


We  are  afraid  that  Mr.  MACPIIER- 
SON,  the  Labour  Member,  will  get  into 
trouble  with  his  party.  He  informed 
a  Press  representative,  after  his  visit 
with  other  M.P.'s  to  Aldershot,  that 
the  knowledge  of  military  problems 
gleaned  in  debate  faded  into  utter 
insignificance  when  compared  with 
the  actual  experience  gained  by  this 
visit.  The  idea  that  a  Labour  Mem- 
ber has  anything  to  learn  is,  we 
understand,  not  subscribed  to  by  all 

Mr.  MACPHERSON'S  colleagues. 

*  * 

* 

General  STOESSEL,  on  whom  the 
KAISER  bestowed  an  important  decor- 
ation at  the  time  of  the  fall  of  Port 
Arthur,  is  himself  now  accused  of  be- 
stowing decorations  on  incompetent 
generals. 

*  * 

The  General  is  also  accused  of 
issuing  reports  of  battles  that  never 
occurred.  If  this  charge  can  be  sub- 
stantiated, a  certain  newspaper,  we 
hear,  is  prepared  to  offer  the  General 
an  important  position  on  its  staff. 

*  * 

The  American  millionaire  who  fell 
in  love  with  a  beautiful  English 
maiden,  and  then  lost  sight  of  her, 


has  now,  by  the  aid  of  the  Press, 
found  her  again.  Meanwhile  there 
are  signs  that  our  newspapers  are  be- 
coming more  modest.  Writing  on 
this  subject,  The  Daily  Mail  says:  — 
"  Although  the  omens  are  favourable 
Mr.  X  has  yet  to  win  his  bride — and 
the  final  word  will  rest  with  the 
lady."  A  little  while  ago  the  final 
word  would  have  rested  with  the 
newspaper. 

* 

The  last  L.C.C.,  in  its  steamboat 
experiment,  lost  a  lot  of  money  by 
water.  The  present  L.C.C.  is  deter- 
mined to  reverse  the  policy  of  its  pre- 
decessor, and  has  decided  to  make 
£500  by  whisky. 

*  * 

"  Nursing  has  sometimes  been 
made  a  trade,  sometimes  a  profes- 
sion :  it  will  never  be  what  it  should 
be  until  it  is  made  a  religion,"  says 
Sir  JOHN  BYERS.  But  surely  every 
pretty  nurse  has  a  certain  number  of 
worshippers? 

*  * 

Writing  to  The  Express,  a  corres- 
pondent says:— "Nine  years  ago  I 
purchased  a  penny  collar  stud,  and 
have  worn  it  every  day  since.  Can 


any  of  your  readers  beat  this  record?" 
We  hope  that  the  spirit  of  emulation 
will  not  lead  some  other  gentleman 
to  come  forward  with  a  similar  con- 
fession as  to  his  collar. 
*  * 
* 

Two  children  who,  it  is  claimed, 
are  the  biggest  in  the  world  are  now 
visiting  Wednesbury.  One  of  these 
child-giants  is  heavier  than  his  father 
and  mother  combined,  and  the  local 
branch  of  the  Society  for  the  Protec- 
tion of  Parents  has  been  instructed  to 
keep  a  careful  eye  on  the  youngsters, 
who  are  reported  to  be  very  strict 
with  their  parents. 

Belief  in  the  Province*. 

"  LIVING  STATUARY 

To  STOP 
IN  LONDON." 

Daily  Chronicle. 


A  Doubtful  Compliment. 

"  At  a  special  meeting  of  the  office- 
bearers of  it  was  unanimously 

agreed  to  invite  the  minister  to  take 
a  longer  holiday  'than  usual  as  a 
mark  of  esteem  and  appreciation." — 
Scottish  Review. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1-JU7. 


Now  then, 
must  put  it 


A   LITTLE   CAME   OF   CROQUET. 

PROLOG  CK. 
"  I  HEAR  you  're  very  good  at  cro- 

1  said  modestly.     (The 
fa.-t  it  I  can  beat  them  all  at  hor 

Ve    have  rth     Rutland 

champ*""    staying    with    us. 
very  ton  on  a  game, 
bow  can  we  manage?  ' 

This  was  terrible.     I 
off  somehow. 

•<  there  a  north  to  Rutlan 
began  argument atively.  "I  a! 
thought-—" 

"Yes,  I  i«e.    He  shall  pla. 
JAXE  against  you  and  Miss  MIDDLE- 
ton.    By  the  way,  let  me  introduce 
yon  all/' 

We  bowed  to  each  other  for  a  bit ; 
and  then  I  had  another  shock.  The 
champion's  mallet  was  bound 
with  brass  at  each  end  (in  case  he 
wanted  to  hit  backwards  sudd 
and  bad  a  silver  plate  on  it.  JANE  s 
bad  the  brass  only.  It  was  absurd 
that  they  should  play  together. 

I  drew  Miss  MIDDLETON  on  one 
side. 

"  I  say,"  I  began  nervously,  "  I  'm 
frightfully  sorry,  but  I  quite  forgot  to 
bring  my  mallet.  Will  it  matter  very 
much?" 

"  I  haven't  one  either." 
"  You  know,  when  my  man  was 
packing  my  bag,  I  particularly  said 
to  him,  '  Now  don't  forget  to  put  in 
a  mallet.'  He  said,  '  Shall  I  put  the 
spare  one  in  too,  Sir.  because  the  best 
one  's  sprung  a  bit?  ' 

"  Oh,  I  've  never  had  one  of  my 
own.  I  suppose  when  one  is  really 

"  Well,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  I  've 
had  one  either.  We  're  fairly 
in  tor  it  now." 

"  Never  mind,  we  'II  amuse  our- 
selves somehow." 

"Oh,  I  'm  quite  looking  forward  to 
it." 

CHAPTER  I. 

They  kicked  off  from  the  summer- 
bouse  end,  and,  after  jockeying  for 


We  moved  outsido  and  snt  down  on 

1  never  even  had  a  chalk  line," 
I  said  mournfully. 

"  It  '.-  much  more  fun  without. 
"  You  ki.  •••..      I  went  mi.  "  1  can 
beak  them  all  at  home.     Why,  even 
WILFRID — 

It  V  same  with   me, 

said  Miss  MIPPI.KTON.     "  HILPA  did 
v     a     frightful     fluke, 

but " 

"  But  this  is  quite  different.     At 
home   it   would    be   considered^jolly 
bad  fonn  to  go  on  all  this  time." 
"  One  would  simply  go  in  and  leave 

,"  said  Miss  MIDDLKTON. 
•    You    know,    it's    awful    fun    at 
home.     The  lawn  goes  down  in  t<  r- 
races,    and    if    you    hit    the    other 
person's  ball  hard  enough  you  can 
right  down  to  the  bottom ;  and 
it  takes  at  least  six  to  get  back  on  the 

again." 
Miss  MIDDLETON  gurgled  to  herself. 


the. start  a  bit,  the  N.I 
got  going.  Ho  went  ver 
very  surely.  I  watched  h 
for  ten  minutes,  expect! 


cham[>i»ii 
slowly  but 


We  've  got  a  stream.  .  .  round 
our  lawn,"  she  said,  in  gasps.  "  It 's 
such  a  joke.  .  .  and  once.  .  .  when 
HILDA.  .  ." 

CHAPTER  II. 

"  May  I  call  you  '  MARY  '  ?  "  I  said ; 
"  we  're  still  here." 

"  Well,  we  have  known  each 
other  a  long  time,  certainly,"  said 
Miss  MIDDLETON.  "  I  think  you 
might." 

"Thanks  very  much." 

•  What  hoop  is  he  at?' 

"  He  's  just  half-way." 

"  I  suppose  when  he  's  finished 
then  JAKE  does  it  all  ? 

"  It  practically  comes  to  that.  1 
believe  as  a  matter  of  form  I  am 
allowed  a  shot  in  between." 

"  That  won't  make  any  difference 
will  i- 

"It's  awfully  hot,  isn't  it?" 
"  Yes.    ...    Do      you      bicycli 
much?  " 

.  .  .  Do  you?" 
No.  I  generally  sleep  in  the  after 

:        '    •    " 

Much    the    best    thing    to    do 
Good  night." 


.....  .    turn 

every  moment  r  a  quart 

an  boar  I  raised  my  hat  and  moved 

away. 

i  we  sit  down?"  I  said  to 

>Lrro». 

-hall  he  in  the  way  if  we  sit 
down  here,  shan't  • 

that   chalk    lino    wo  're 


Good  night." 

Ciur-TER  III. 
Wake  up,"   I  said. 


been  asleep  lor  hours. 


ia  play 


Then 

a  gooc 


I     I  Ruppoee  so." 


I  'm  so  sorry,"  said 
still  with  her  eyes  closed.     ' 
missed  your  turn.     Was  it 

"  Absolutely     Splilldid.        1     IKK! 

I  hit  our  champion 

Then  1  t'Hik  n  .M  both  hands 

brought  it  w.-I!  >!,oulder 


iu  allowed  to  do  that,  by  the 
-; ;    it 's    hockey    where    you 

•:i't." 

"  And  croqueted   him   right   down 
o  the   li<  Over  lie-is,   through 

uishes,  across  paths — the  longest  ball 
've  ever  driven." 
"  I  hope  you  didn't  make  him 
ick.     You  'see,  ho  mny  not  lie 
o  our  gai 

,-k?   My  d-'iir  girl.  ;  lirly 

huekling  with  delight.     Told  m. 
i  th,-  r.-.-t  of  my  turn. 
if  you   go   o\t-r   two   1"  ds,    and 
across  more  than  one  path,  you  miss 
he  rest  of  your  turn.     I  'id  you  know 

"  I  suppose  I  did  really,  but   1     : 
orgotten." 

And  here  I  am  again.    JANE  will 
be  even  longer,     lie  's  lying  on  the 
rrass,  and  taking  sights  for  lu-r  just 
low.  .  .  .     Why  didn't  vou  at 
my  last  letter?  " 

('HATTKII  IV. 

"  It  's  this  passion  for  p 
said,    wnking    up   suddenly,    "which 
ins   made   us   Knglishni>-n    whiit    we 
are.     Here  we  have  a  hot  July  after- 
noon, when  nil  Nature  i  .  and 
;he    foreigner    is    taking    his    siestn. 
And  what  do  wo  do?     How   do   \\, 
English  men  and  women  spend  this 
lot  afternoon?      Why,  immediately 
after  lunch,  in  one  case  even  i 
the  meal  has  been  dig-  rush 
off  to  take  part  in  some  viol 
ike  croquet.    Hour  after  hour  th 
goes  on  relentlessly ;  there  is  no  back- 
ing out  on  our  part,  no  pleading  for 
just  five  minutes  in  which  to  p 
wind.       No,  we  bear  our  part  man 
fully,  and.  .  .  are  you  by  any  chance 
awake,  or  am  I  wasting  all  this? 

Of    course    I  'm    awake,"    said 
MAKY,  opening  1 

"  What  years  I  have  known  you  ' 
Do  you  remember  those  days  when 
we  used  to  paddle  together,  the 
mixed  paddling  nt  Hriglr 

"  Ah,  yos.  And  your  first  paint 
box." 

"   \ml  your  doll- " 

1    \n.l  the  pony — 

\nd  the     good-night." 
M." 

CHAI-TKH  XVI II. 
how    alisurd,"    said    MARY 
when  we  '\e  only  jus! 
"Oh,  but  come;  it  \v:i^  about  t\\i 
ago  that  you   let  me  call  you 
:  MAI:-- 

"  True,"  said  MAKY,  thoughtfully 
"  And    you    can't    pay    we    aren't 
suited  to  one  another.     We  both  plaj 
without  tlio  chalk  lino." 

"  True  again.    Yet.  .  .  Oh,  I  can' 


JULY  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


63 


AMERICANA. 

First  Millionairess.  "  No,  WE  'vs  NOT  STARTED  so  FAB.    Bur  I  OUESS  WK  "BE  OOINO  SIIOPPINQ  IN  BOND  STREET  Tins  AFTEBNOON." 


Second  Millionairess.  "  BETTEB  CHOOSE  ANOTHEB  LooinTT.    RECKON  YOU  'ix  BE  A  BIT  LATE  FOR  BOND  STREET. 
STREET  TIIIS 


WE  'BE  DOINO  BOND 


say  all  at  once.     Give  me  a  little 
time." 

"  I  '11  give  you  three  of  JANE'S 
hoops.  That  's  about  six  months." 

CHAPTER  XX. 

"Twenty-eight,"  said  the  North 
Rutland  champion.  "  That 's  what 
I  won  the  championship  by,  I  re- 
member." 

"  It  's  a  good  winning  score,"  I 
said.  "  Do  they  play  much  in  North 
Rutland?" 

"  I  'm  afraid  it  's  been  very  slow 
for  you  and  Miss  MIDDLETON,"  said 
JANE. 

'  Not  exactly  slow,"  I  said. 

"  We  've  been  talking  a  lot  of  non- 
sense," explained  Miss  MIDDLETON. 

"  Not  exactly  nonsense,"  said  I. 

"Oh,  it  was,"  said  Miss  MIDDLE- 
TON,  "  you  know  it  was." 

"  I  suppose  it  was,"  I  sighed. 
"  Well,  we  '11  try  again  to-morrow." 

"Right,"  ••  paid  the  champion. 
"  But  I  shall  use  my  other  mallet." 


THE  NEW  ACT. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — I  am  in  n 
frightful  muddle,  and  it  is  all  owing 
to  the  new  Employers'  Debility  Act. 
Please  tell  me  what  I  must  do.  I 
insured  only  two  minutes  too  late. 
What  do  you  think  happened  just 
as  I  was  filling  in  the  fonn?  It 
began  with  the  cook,  of  course.'  She 
jumped  into  a  rage  over  something, 
and  she  stamped  and  stamped  till 
she  stamped  on  her  own  toe.  The 
doctor  said  it  was  serious,  and  ad- 
vised— at  least  if  it  were  his  toe,  he 
said  he  would  advise  its  amputation 
immediately.  On  hearing  this, 
SMITHSON,  the  butler,  who  has  been 
filling  to  the  best  of  his  ability  the 
post  of  wine-taster  to  my  establish- 
ment, nearly  fainted.  While  remov- 
ing the  stopper  from  the  whisky 
decanter,  in  the  endeavour  to  obtain 
the  stimulant  necessary  to  his  condi- 
tion, he  cut  the  index  finger  of  his 
right  hand.  He  was  just  able,  before 


becoming  unconscious,  to  empty  the 
decanter.  Do  you  think,  if  his  finger 
is  to  bo  amputated,  he  will  be  con- 
sidered half  or  quarter  disabled  for 
life?  I  have  still  another  calamity 
to  recount.  JANE,  the  housemaid, 
whom  I  sent  to  fetch  the  doctor, 
hasn't  come  back.  That  was  on  the 
morning  of  the  1st  of  July.  The 
doctor  diagnoses  her  case  as  loss  of 
memory.  Do  you  think  I  shall  have 
to  keep  JANE,  when  she  is  found  (I 
always  notice  things  turn  up  sooner  or 
later),  in  a  lunatic  asylum  for  life  ? 

Awaiting  the  favour  of  an  early 
reply, 

I  am,  dear  Mr.  Punch, 
Yours  truly, 

PANSY  PRYDE. 

p.S. — JACKIE  was  to  have  gone  to 
Osborne  this  afternoon,  but  I  am 
sending  him  into  an  insurance  office 
instead.  Am  I  right?  P.P. 

LATEST  Bridge  terra :   Coventry — a 
missing  suit. 


PUNCH,  OR  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JCLT  24,  1907. 


ANCIENT   AND    MODERN. 

Arie*  Arrbn&rji*  (t*plon»g  a*rif*t /orliftation).  "Mr  DEAR  SIR,  WB   BAT*    JTOT  HIDE  A  MOOT   WOUPKEFTL    riND.      Tills    rBAOMEjrr 
or  rormr  *M  wi  BATB  HIS  cuiimiw).  rtona  OOXCLCSITELT  THAT  THESE  MOCXDS  near  HAVE  BEBC  EBECTBD  AT  LEAST  THREE  TH> 

TEAM  U/OII  TBE   BoHAX ' 

Et— nuns.      Ws—  n— BATHE*  HOPED  TOO  HIOBT  BE  DIOOW'  otrr  A  BADOEE!" 


AT    OLYMPIA. 

I  AM  going  into  the  City.  Not  at 
ooo*.  you  know,  but  when  things  arc 
belter  there.  It  is  my  dear  old 
Governor'*  idea,  not  mine.  Ho  says 
that  be  had  to  work  hard  for  his  living, 
and  to  must  1.  I  like  the  City— an 
awfully  interesting  place,  to  my 
mind.  I  went  there,  many  years 
ago  now,  with  my  governess,  on  the 
way  to  the  Tower.  As  soon  as  tho 
Governor  mentioned  it,  I  wanted  to 
go  again ;  but  the  Mater  said  she  'd 
read  that  thing*  wer.  dull 

there,  and  I  ought  to  wait  until 
brightened  up  a  bit. 

FoutrxoAT  say*— and  be  knows  all 
about  it.  mind  you;  he  went  to  the 
regularly,  two  or  three  times  a 
week,  during  last  winter— FEEMINOAY 
says  it 's  so  jolly  restful  thorp,  after 
the  sort  of   ],'..'  we  lead.       That 
what  I'  m  looking  forward  to ;  because 
"ason.  with  the  weather  and  all 
U>e  real  of  it.  you  know- well,  my 
are  all  to  pieces  already. 


As  a  sort  of  preparation — I  don't 
want  to  look  an  absolute  ass  when  I 
begin  in  the  City ;  I  moan  to  know 
something  about  contangos,  and  in- 
voices, and  promissory  notes,  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing  before  I  go — as  a 
sort  of  preparation,  1  went  to  the 
Business  Exhibition  tho  other  iiftt  r- 
noon.  At  Olympia — where  the 
Horse  Show  was,  you  remember, 
that  this  Exhibition  was  any- 
thing like  tho  Horse  Show;  on  the 
contrary. 

v  interesting,  though— very. 
Learnt  a  good  deal  in  half  an  hour- 
tips  for  furnishing  my  office  and  so 
forth.  There  was  the  cheapest  little 
cigar  cabinet  for  two-fifteen  that  I 
have  ever  seen  in  all  my  life.  But 
1  've  made  up  my  mind  not  to  have 
Anything  to  do  uah  those  cases  of 
drawers.  I'  I  rig  your  !• 

in,"  on<>  of  the  men  in  charge  told 
me.  1*  My  dear  man,"  I  said,  '1  you 
mean  for  lostM  th--tn  in'.'  "  S.  •  ms. 
to  me  I  hud  him  thoiv  -what?  I 
once  had  a  similar  thing  for  collars 


and  ties,  and  all  that,  you  know 
it  was  so  fearfully  irrituti: 
one's  studs   in   tin-  sock   department, 
I  got  neuritis  o\vr  it . 

I  saw  a  wonderful  machine  for  mul- 
tiplication and  division,  and  nil  tliosi 
tiresome  things.  It  wasn't  quiti 
accurate,  as  I  told  tin-  man  in 
chargo  ;  hut,  for  n  imiehine,  it  \vns 
near  enough.  I  If  multiplied  Ci.."il'_ 
by  87  with  tho  muchine,  and  tin 

anSW.  '.ii'.t.l.'il.       1    n::ide   :i  fe\\ 

rapid  calculations  on  nn  antelope  »n<: 
•M  it  r.t',11,'271.  He  s'-eini'il  nither 
annoyed  when  I  told  him  the  thinp 

i  hundred  or  so  out. 
What     seems    BO    stronc' 
mind,  is  that  someone  doesn't  iim-nt 
a  distinct   nimie  for  a  ^irl  who  I 

1  save  BO  mud 
l'..r  instJinee,  there  was  t 
man  thore  who  u-l.^d  i 

'•iter.    Of  course  1  went 
Hut    tlie're    WHS   no    •  I    mean    to 

say,  he  was  referring  to  a  machine 
and  somehow  I  never  could  take  any 
in  machinery. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-JcLY  24,  1907. 


A    SPOILT    PET. 

Lu  PETIT  BULGE.  "PLEASE,   SIR,   YOUR  MONKEY'S   TAKEN  MY  BAG!" 
UNCLE  SAM.  "THAT'S  SO!     AIN'T  HE   CUTE?" 

[On  the  subject  of  Belgium's  unpaid  claim  upon  Venezuela  for  £400,000,  The  Times  says  :  "  A  moral  responsibility  lies  with  the  United 
States  for  the  behaviour  of  the  State  towards  which  she  has  shown  a  special  solicitude."] 


JULY  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


C7 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  Tire  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  MuniJci/,  Juli 
l~)th.  --  Truly  tho  House  may 
through  long  watches  of  tho  night 
be  unconscionably  dull.  But  frorr 
time  to  time  it  emits  a  flash  of  sar 
donic  humour  that  goes  far  to  mak 
amends. 

At  four  o'clock  this  afternoon 
benches  were  thronged.  Atmospher 
electrical.  Old  campaigners  woulc 
guess  that  what  is  called  a  persona 
question  was  to  tho  fore.  Exactly 
ROBERT  CECIL  submitted  motion 
raising  question  of  Privilege.  Basec 
his  charge  on  letter  to  newspapers 
written  by  the  LACHRYMOSE  LEA,  chal- 
lenging bestowal  of  a  particular 
knighthood,  and  bringing  genera 
indictment  against  Government  oi 
bartering  honours  for  money  which 
they  distribute  among  impecunious 
election  candidates,  thereby  enslaving 
them  should  they  succeed  in  enter- 
ing Parliament.  Debate  followed. 
C.-B.  and  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  for  once 
united,  deprecated  meddling  in  the 
matter.  The  former  moved  amend- 
ment that  "  the  House  do  now  pro- 
ceed with  the  business  of  the  day." 
On  division,  this  was  carried  by  235 
votes  against  120. 

Here  's  where  tho  joke  came  in. 
House  having  solemnly,  by  a  ma- 
jority of  nearly  two  to  one,  decided  to 
get  to  business,  the  benches,  crewhile 
inconveniently  thronged,  emptied  as 
by  touch  of  magician's  wand. 


THE  LACHRYMOSE  Liu  AND  THE  UNHAPPY 

DESPATCH. 
(An  apparition  from  East  St.  Pancraa.) 


Too  MANY  FOR  THEM. 

Al/r-d  lAl-U-n.  "  Canyou  decipher  it,  old  man  ?  " 

A-sl-n  Ch-mb-rl-n.  "  Well,  it  seems  to  me  horribly  like  '  Sold  again  ! ' " 


The  business  ordained  was  Vote  of 
'ensure  moved  by  ALFRED  LYTTEL 
TON  condemning  Government  for 
declining  invitation  of  Colonial  Pre- 
miers favourably  to  consider  pre- 
"erential  tariffs.  In  the  course 
of  a  Session  nothing  can  ex 
ceed  in  interest  or  importance  a  Vote 
of  Censure.  Aimed  directly  at  heart 
of  Government,  if  the  blow  strikes 
lome,  they  die.  And  here,  all  on  a 
summer  afternoon,  was  the  official 
spokesman  of  the  Opposition  moving 
lis  momentous  Eesolution  in  hearing 
of  audience  that  dwindled  danger- 
ously near  the  limit  of  a  quorum. 

Reason  not  far  to  seek.    Predomin- 
ant air  of  unreality  about  the  whole 
Hisiness.     Colonial  Premiers,   whose 
alleged  snubbing  is  avowed  founda- 
ion  of  Vote  of  Censure,  finished  their 
vork  and  went  their  way  two  months 
ago.     Hon.  Members,  being,  after  all, 
mostly  human,  cannot  after  so  long 
in    interval   pump   up   honest   indig- 
nation    at     an     offence     howsoever 
Criminal.      Fact    is,    the    affair   been 
ngineered  by  loyal  Unionists  anxious 
o    furnish    their    esteemed    Leader 
vith    opportunity,    for    which    he    is 
mown  to  conceal  keen  desire,  once 
more  definitely  to  declare  his  posi- 
ion  on  Tariff  question. 


With  characteristic  modesty  and 
tendency  to  self-effacement,  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  showed  no  haste  to  avail 
himself  of  the  thoughtfulness  of 
his  friends.  When  notice  of 
Vote  of  Censure  is  given  from 
Front  Opposition  Bench,  the  Leader 
of  the  Party,  in  accordance  with 
long-established  precedent,  forthwith 
rises  and  asks  for  a  day  to  be  set 
apart  for  its  discussion.  After 
LYTTELTON'S  motion  was  handed  in 
twice  the  House  met,  and  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  made  no  sign.  Only  on  third 
day,  when  tongues  were  beginning 
to  wag,  did  he  demand  opportunity 
for  attack  on  Government. 

Here  it  is,  and  House  feels  that 
whole  interest  of  proceeding  centres 
in  one  speech.  What  will  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  say?  and,  not  least  interest- 
ing, How  will  he  say  it?  In  no  hurry 
to  interpose.  The  hours  passed  and 
resembled  each  other,  inasmuch  as 
estimable  gentlemen  were  making 
more  or  less  long  speeches,  to  which 
few  listened. 

It  was  half-past  ten  when,  follow- 
ing LLOYD-GEORGE,  the  Leader  of 
Opposition  rose.  Once  more  benches 
were  peopled  by  eager  listeners. 
Expectation  at  highest  pitch. 

"  The  debate,"  said  PRESIDENT  OF 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABI. 


[Jn.T  2-1,  1907. 


BOARD  or   Ti. 

makt  clear  the  meaning  and  uttit.;  !•• 

of  the  Leader  of  the  Opposition      1- 

be  in  favour  of  a  tax  on  food,  or 

not?" 

For  answer,  PRINCE  ARTHUR  uid  : 
"  The   basis   of   our    Fiscal    System 
must  be  broadened.    How  ex  a. 
M  to  be  done,  it  is  not  my  buaineu 
to  aajr." 

The  Hou»e  laughed.  and.  going 
forth  to  the  Division  Ix>bby.  nega- 
tived toe  Vote  of  Centura  by  404 
votes  against  111. 

BIIMJKM  Jour.—  Question  of  Privi- 
lege shelved.  Vote  of  Censure  rallied 
to  Ministerial  standard  majority  of 


Tuetday.—The  LACHRY- 
MOSE LEA  has  an  uncanny 
habit  of  turning  up  unex- 
pectedly. The  hero  of  one 
of  Captain  MARRYAT'S 
novels  is  a  dog  called  Snar- 

iiu-.  The  plot  is  devel- 
oped through  a  series  of 
efforts  on  the  part  of  his 
desperate  owner  to  get  rid 
of  the  incumbrancc.  SSAR- 
LEYOW  is  successively  poi- 
soned. drowned,  hanged, 
finally  buried  full  five  feet 
deep.  Dut  ever  ho  turns 
up  with  studied  look  of 
nothing  particular  having 
happened  since  he  was  last 


House  waited  in  vain  for  ti. 

.  .ntion.      .  •'•'  tmit 

he    had    (also   nft.  r    the    iimni: 

ghosts)    "  r  "    tin-    SIT.AKKU. 

t   presently  bo  haled  forth 

>'lmir  mid  vanish  from  view 

in   ft   trail  of 

smoke  prcternaturally  illumined.  Hut 
the  SPEAK nt  U,  if  the  phrase  bo 
Parliamentary,  a  tough  customer  to 
tackle. 

"  If,"  he  said  sternly,  "  the  boo. 

>er  is  going  to  cross-cxnminr  me 

about  statements  made  last  week,  1 

am    afraid    I    cannot    allow    him    to 

intervene." 

This  disconcerting,  even  for  an  Ap- 
parition.    LEA  stumbled  on,  further 


This  afternoon  long  list 
of  questions  on  paper  dis- 
posed of.     CHANCELLOR  OP 
EXCHEQUER    unlocked 
his  red  despatch -box  prepa- 
ratory to  moving  the  House 
into  Committee  on  Dudget 
Bill.      CHAIRMAN  or  WAYS 
AND    MEANS   furtively    felt 
the  knot  of  his  white  neck- 
tie   to    ascertain    that    all 
well  with  it.     At  this 
moment  Members  became 
aware  of  a  breath  of  chilling  air  filling 
the  Chamber,  suggestive  of  the  en- 
trance to  a  tomb  having  been  opened 
upon  it.     Looking  up,   they  beheld 
the  LACHRYMOSE  ONE  on  his  logs  at 
it  below  O 


I     in    burst    of    ironical 
cheering.    Noble  lords  too  polit. 

le.     After  nil.  it  w.is  not  such  a 
KM  \\.-iy  <>f  putting  it   as  to 
tin-  vulgar  it  might  seem.       With  a 
ruthless.  Government  that  dcclr 
lind   work   for  noblo   lords  to  do,   to 
the  shop  open  till  half-past  six 
iu  the  evcnii.  •!•'!'  i|-d. 

A  more  familiar  procedure  nt  this 
1  of  the  Session  is  for  the 
IXJRD  CHANCELLOR  to  take  his  seat 
on  the  Woolsack  nt  a  quarter-past 
four;  prayers  to  be  read,  if  they 
have  not  already  been  reeited  at  the 
morning  gathering  of  the  H"iise  in 
its  judicial  capacity;  then  follows 
interval  for  meditation  and  conversa- 
tion extending  to  4.30, 
when  public  business  be- 
gins. Occasionally  there 
is  none  ;  in  which  case  noblo 
lords,  feeling  they  have  de- 
srrved  well  of  their  coun- 
try, turn  their  faces  home- 
ward. A  question  may  be 
put  and  answered,  a  pro- 
cess less  extended  in  point 
of  time  now  that  YOTM; 
WKMVSS  has  introduced  the 
innovation  of  noble  lords 
answering  their  own  int  -r- 
rogations,  formerly  ad- 
dressed to  Ministers.  Or  a 
Bill  may  be  whisked 
through  Committee. 

All  done  in  time  for  five- 
o'clock  tea.  By-and-by  the 
balance  will  be  redr- 
Important  Bills  will  be 
dumped  on  the  floor  of  the 
House,  and  patriotic  IV.-rs 
will  be  kept  up  till  midnight 
or  after,  tearing  them  to 
pieces. 


THI  WBITI  Tn  or  i  BLAH* 


Lrrt. 


>w  Gangway.  Accord- 
ing to  long-established  habit  of  Ap- 
paritions, LEA  paused  a  moment  be- 
fore his  lips  moved.  This  condition 
fulfilled,  he  asked  permission  to  make 
tMMMlon  mm  ••• 

Nothing  pleases  House  more.  To 
bear  a  personal  explanation  it  will 
readily  turn  away  from  consideration 
of  topics  of  loftiest  Imperial  interest. 
In  solemn  manner,  with  slow 
ance.  with  here  and  there  what  to  the 
strained  fancy  sounded  like  the  clank 
of  muffled  chains,  LEA  commenced  to 
summarise  proceedings  of  yesterday. 


(Mr.  Emm  tt,  Chairman  of  Wayi  and  Meant.) 

commenting  on  yesterday's  debate 
till  he  was  again,  with  ominous 
severity,  pulled  up  by  SPEAKER.  Con- 
cluded he  had  better  sit  down;  which 
he  did  with  substantial  effect  that  dis- 
pelled the  really  foolish  idea  about  an 
Apparition. 

Butinett  done. — Budget  Bill  got 
through  Report  stage  practically  with- 
out amendment. 

lloute  of  Lord*,  Thunday. — "  At 
this  late  hour,  my  Lords,  I  will  not 
trouble  your  Lordships  by  going  at 
length  into  the  subject." 

Thus  Lord  HILL  concluding  l>ri>  f 
remarks  on  Crown  Estates  and  Small 
Holdings  Dill. 

In  the  Commons,  Members,  looking 
nt  the  clock,  and  finding  that  the 
"  late  hour  "  was  half-past  six,  would 


The  Ifarch  of  Progress. 

THE  following  is  seen  in 
a  Perth  eating-house:  — 
"  MRS.  MOORE,  RESTAURANT. 
The  first  to  introduce  chip  potatoes 
into  Perth/^  _ 

"  IN  THE  TRACK  OF  THE  STORM. 

WllAT  TIIK  LlGHTSlNO  DID  AT 

BWLCHGWVN." 

—  Ijocal  Paper. 
IT  appears  to  have  struck  most  of 
the  vowels.    Are  consonants  non-con 
ductors?    _ 

The  Workmen's  Compensation  Act. 
ARE  PROFESSIONAL  CRICKETERS 

EXEMPT? 

"II.  L.  SIMMS  hit  DENNETT  twice 
on  to  the  cycle-track.  C.  L.  A. 
SMITH  was  also  in  vigorous  mood, 
ana  once  drove  DENNETT  on  to  the 
top  of  the  pavilion." 


JOLT  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


AT    OUR    CHURCH    BAZAAR. 

Vicar  (effusirxly  to  conductor  at  close  of  a  brilliant  programme).  "  TUB   MUSIO  SOUNDED  VERT  DELIGHTFUL  in  THE  DISTANCE,  AND  I 

CAN   ASSURE   YOU   IT   DID  NOT   IN  ANT  WAT   INTERFERE   WITU   THE   SALES  !  " 


THE    HANDICAPS    OF   GENIUS. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  "  The  Rapid.") 

IN  all  ages  and  in  every  land  men 
and  women  have  achieved  greatness 
in  spite,  not  merely  of  humble  birth 
but,  of  a  variety  of  crushing  draw- 
backs. But  no  handicap  is  too  great 
for  the  man  or  the  woman  who  means 
to  win.  Here,  for  example,  are  some 
notable  instances  of  greatness  rising 
superior  to  the  tyranny  of  circum- 
stance. 

SEMIRAMIS,  the  famous  Oriental 
Queen,  triumphed  over  her  enemies 
without  ever  having  read  a  single 
novel  by  Miss  MARIE  CORELLI. 

ATTILA,  the  great  leader  of  the 
Huns,  died  many  years  before  the 
laying  of  the  foundation  stone  of  the 
Carlton  Hotel. 

JOHN  KEATS,  the  author  of 
Hyperion,  was  never  in  his  life  inter- 
viewed by  Mr.  RAYMOND  BLATHWAYT, 
Mr.  HAROLD  BEGBIE  or  Mr.  WILLIAM 
LE  QUEUX. 

HANNIBAL,  the  famous  Cartha- 
ginian general,  crossed  the  Alps  be- 
fore the  birth  of  Mr.  A.  E.  W. 
MASON. 


CLEOPATRA  has  gone  down  to  pos- 
terity as  a  champion  lover,  though 
MARK  ANTONY  was  not  in  a  position 
to  present  her  with  a  motor-car. 

LINNAEUS,  the  great  Swedish 
naturalist,  who  was  so  poor  that  he 
was  obliged  to  mend  his  shoes  with 
paper,  was  often  heard  to  observe : 
"  If  I  could  only  live  long  enough 
to  see  ALGERNON  ASIITON,  I  should 
die  happy." 

Dr.  JOHNSON,  though  he  often 
stated  that  he  wished  his  biography 
to  be  written  by  Mr.  THOMAS 
WRIGHT,  of  Olney,  had  in  the  end  to 
be  contented  with  BOSWELL. 

CAIUS  GRACCHUS  and  his  brother 
TIBERIUS,  the  famous  Roman  revolu- 
tionaries, were  denied  the  privilege 
of  seeing  Mr.  GEORGE  LANSBURY'S 
umbrella  broken  by  the  police  in 
Whitehall. 

CORNELIA,  the  mother  of  the 
GRACCHI,  never  heard  of  the  Misses 
PANKHURST. 

RAMESES  II.,  the  most  famous  of 
all  the  Egyptian  monarchs,  had  no 
chance  of  raising  a  pyramid  in  honour 
of  PETER  KEARY,  the  celebrated 
author  of  Get  on  or  Get  Out. 


PETER  KEARY,  the  illustriouf 
author  and  publicist,  never  succeeded 
in  flying  to  the  North  Pole. 

ANSWER  TO  CORRESPONDENT. 

"X.  Y.  Z.— Your  letter  re  the  In- 
spector of  Police   blowing  his  police 
|  whistle  and  thereby  disturbing  James 
'  town  from  Ladder  Hill  last  Sunday, 
and  throwing  his  arms  about  for  what 
'  purpose  only  one  conclusion  could  be 
'  arrived  at  by  the  excited  people  in 
I  Jamestown    that    perhaps    the    Zulu 
'prisoners  had  escaped,  when  it  was 
I  afterwards     ascertained     that    there 
were  two  urchins,  on  his  statement, 
I  pelting  stones  in  the  Garden,  James- 
town,   who    when    the    Garden    was 
searched  it  was  found  by  him  the  boys 
had    skedaddled    and    were    perhaps 
among  the  crowd  laughing  at  him,  is 
held  over." — St.  Helena  Guardian. 

History  in  the  Making. 
"  Newspaper  advertising  began  in 
1652.  .The  following  advertisement, 
taken  from  a  newspaper  of  SHAK- 
SPEARE'S  time,  gives  a  good  idea," 
etc.,  etc. — Liverpool  Echo. 


Tin 

Tu  other  day.  as  '  1  to  stray 

wn  to  a  Cornish  strand, 
suddenly  saw  a  stranger 

h  features  seemed  and  tai 
Who  brandished  a  fearsome  weapon 
In  hi*  sinewy  right  hand. 

\  lurid  light  shone  in  his  eye, 

I,  M  I  gazed  at  him, 
He  clashed  hi*  weapon  on  the  stones 

And  looked  so  dour  and  grim 
That  I  fled  from  •  ty 

Quaking  in  every  limb. 

I  knew  that  on  the  Cornish  coast 

kersonce  plied  their  trade, 
And  the  man  had  all  the  ou: 

signs 

Of  a  buccaneering  blade, 
•..       •       :.-    •     1  •  -..:.: 

The  more  I  felt  afraid. 

itut  on  making  close  inquiry 
Prom  the  driver  of  my  fly, 

[  learned  this  was  no  criminal 
mg  from  hue  and 

But  the  County  Council  Chairman, 
Who  lived  on  the  hill  hard  by. 

1  But  why  that  hue  and  that  cut- 
!•«•>  r> 


70 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JILT  24.  1907. 


LORELEY-ON-THAMES. 

Tu  My  our  old   f: 

• 
I  "  wrop  in   i 

,11  lady  with  a  past,  and 

a    siren 

might  e.jually  well  hn\.    turned  into 
,  var  :h  the  sole  d 

r>e)f  on  a  single  faith- 
in    by   her   fascina! 
hough  she  does  keep  herself  in 
ice    by    employing    her    arts    on    the 
casual  Rhine-tripper.     So  at  le.. 
gather  from  the  re|K.rt  of  the  chorus, 
hough  wo  are  not  allowed  to  s< 

•her  victims.     The 
d   up  his  id. -as  in 

all  quarters.    From  HKIXK'S  Miirchrn 
le  gets  a  hint   for  his   heroine;   his 


I  asked,  and  the  answer  came : 
"  He  spends  bis  days  in  the  open, 

Playing  the  golfer's  game, 
And  that  instrument  ain't  no  cutlass, 

A  niblick  '*  the  rightful  name." 

Of  course  it  was  reassuring 

To  learn  why  his-  face  was  browned 
That  he  grew  the  finest  roses 

In  all  the  country  round, 
And  that  in  the  choir  on  Sundays 

He  was  "  regular  to  be  found/' 

Yet  still,  on  mature  reflection, 

I  am  somewhat  mortified 
That  thi*  sinister-looking  stranger 

So  hugely  his  looks  U  lied. 
For  escape  from  a  real  pirate 

Is  a  matter  for  honest  pride. 


"Warning  by  Canon  Ball. 
Govnucxnrr  MOST  ACT  PROMPTLY.  ' 
WE  feared  the  worst  from  these 
headlines  in  The  Standard.     Labour 
had  risen;  the  Tariff  Re- form  Com 
mission  was  advancing  in.ext- 
formation;    the  Spectator  Company 
was    falling    back    upon    its    base 
Imagine  our  relief  at  discovering  that 
it  was  merely  a  reverend  gentleman 
from  Calcutta  who  had  been  giving 
his  views  on  the  trouble  in  India. 


la  Marriage  a    Success* 
"  A  great  many  married  ladies  wea 

•      ••         ..•••.-        •  •        ::.-.-     i  . 
Daily  Telegraph. 


Embarrassments  of  •  Popular  Tenor. 
Reappearance  of  the  other  lady  on  the 

wedding-day. 
Signer  Baasi  .  .  Walter. 

river-nymphs  come  from  Das  Rhcin- 
jold;  his  Anna's  wedding  from  Lohen 
grin;  and  from  Tannhauser  his 
funeral  march  ("  we  have  lost  our 
little  Anna  ") ;  and  no  doubt  he  wouk 
have  picked  up  an  idea  for  Lorelcy's 
tion  out  of  the  score  of  Madama 
liuttcr/ly  if  PUCCINI  had  not  tukei 
the  precaution  of  postponing  that 
work  till  after  CATALANI'S  death.  Also 
the  libretto  (admirably  rendered  by 
Mr.  KALISCH)  is  a  rather  silly  blend 
of  common  earth  and  faerie ;  and  for 
its  epitaph  one  might  well  borrow  a 
line  from  HEINE'S  Lorelei: — 

Ich  wetas  nicht  was  soil  es  bedeuten. 

As  for  the  music,  it  is  like  the  ci<liT 
cup  that  cheers  but  not  inebriates 
SignorBxasi  had  a  pleasant  air  to  MIH. 
about  his  second-best  girl,  and  ho\ 

.t   a-maying-  n<  I 

maggin.     If  line  clothes  could  ensur 
a  happy  marriage  he  ought  to  hav 
well  in  double    harness,    for 
smarter     wedding-costume     I     hav 
seldom  set  eyes  on,  and  it  went  wel 


with  a  figure  unusually  slim  for  a 
Hut  I  wish  he  wouldn't  turn 

iis  back  on  the  Rhine  when  he  is 
•  it,  and  only  '  rrlnj 

iis  face  ir.  •)!.  'He  during  his 

i.er  better 

udgment. 

Mil.-.  S,  u.\K  is  a  rather  pleasant 
'.,>rrli  ij  when  she  sings  softly;  at 
ither  times  -h,-  p.-i 

M-siren. 

I  did  not  think  that  the  llhin. 
it  its  best.      In  one  scene  its  ripples 
ran  well  up  int-i  the  sky;  in  another, 
where   tin'   book   il  it  as   "  a 

•  road  stream."  it  might  have  passed 
'or  the  Atlantic.  The  swimn.r 
the  nymphs  was  badly  done,  and  the 
diving  of  the  various  people  w  ho  lling 
heinselvcs  into  the  n\er  was  of  the 
rery  worst  descrip; 

I  never  quite  understand  wh;. 
must  hove  real  working  trump. 
ihe  stage.     \\Mn-n  an  a 
larp  or  a  pipe  or   a   mandolin,    the 
strumming  or  the  tootling  is  always 
done  vicariously  through  an  agent  in 
,he  orchestra.      But    with   tru: 
t  is  different;  and   in    Act    II.    they 
simply   horrific.    It    was   in    this 
Act     that     the     crowd    was 
managed   very   realistically.        For   i' 
s  the  prime  function  of  a  ci-..wd  to 
block  your  view  of  anything  that  is 
likely    to    interest    you;    and    their 
cutting  off  of  the  Lorclcy  from  the 
audience  in  my  part  of  the  house  was 
a  very  clean  piece  of  work.       O.  S. 


\\"K  are  not  surprised  that  The 
Englishman  claims  to  have  a  larger 
circulation  than  any  other  paper  in 
India  while  it  can  write  like  this :  — 

"By  the  time  the  present  (i,.\ eminent  have 
done  ruining  the  constitmi-.n   ..f   tl,e  r.mntry 
r.-'lm-ing   the   Navy   to  a  state  of    inr 
and  the  Army  to  a  mob  of  half  rfli.  :•  •  t  vi.lun 
tcers,  driving  the  workmen  •   nmw 

and  ammunition  factories,  alienating  n 
nies,  and  leaving  Ki^-land  «  u  t    tin 

attack  of  all  the  world,  there  will  be  lit: 
of  the  Empire  except  the  ailipo* 
shrouds  the  party  leaders,  ami  f.-.  <lx  the  lain] 
of  knowledge  in  the  Colxlen  Chili." 

Mark  how  well  the  metaphor  is  sus- 
1.  The  ruined  constitution,  thi 
nakedness,  the  adipose  tissue,  the 
feeding  all  combine  to  make  this  a 
masterpiece  of  constructive  criticism 
Only,  when  the  Empire  is  nothing  but 
adipose  tissue  feeding  a  lamp,  when 
will  the  Editor  of  The  Englishman  be' 
For  the  moment  we  don't  quite  see 
him. 


The  Real  Googly. 

seemed  well  Ret  whet 
FAU.KNEB  deceived  him  with  a  bal 
that  came  in  from  the  off  after  gcvera 
leg  breaks." — Morning  Post. 


JULY  24,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


71 


THE     PATRIOTISM     OF 

PUDDLEBUEY. 
(An  Anticipation  of  1908.) 

EVEUYONE  agrees  that  the  Rector  is 
entitled  to  the  chief  credit  of  it,  for 
to  him  in  the  first  place  was  owing 
the  inception  of  the  idea,  and  it  was 
mairtly  his  energy  and  determination 
that  carried  it  to  so 
triumphant  an 
issue. 

It  was  as  early 
as  last  Autumn 
that  the  idea  came 
to  him,  the  great 
resolve  that  was  to 
make  Puddlebury 
famous  throughout 
England,  and  he 
lost  no  time  in  call- 
ing a  public  meet- 
ing to  discuss  and 
consider  it.  When 
he  finished  bis 
opening  speech,  a 
wave  of  patriotic 
enthusiasm  seemed 
to  pass  over  the 
assembly.  The  ex- 
citement was  tre- 
mendous. It  was 
felt  by  us  all  that 
Puddlebury  had 
been,  as  it  were, 
singled  out  for  a 
momentous  and 
historic  destiny,  of 
which  it  behoved 
her  children  to 
prove  themselves 
worthy. 

A  Committee  of 
Public  Safety,  con- 
sisting of  the  clergy 
of  all  denomina- 
tions and  the  prin- 
cipal local  resi- 
dents, was  at  once 
formed,  and  given 
carte  blanche  in 
the  matter  of  juris- 
diction and  ex- 
pense. The  feel- 
ing indeed  was 
unanimously  voiced 
that  this  was  no  season  for  trivial 
jealousies,  and  it  may  truly  be  said 
that  from  then  onwards  all  ranks 
and  conditions  of  Puddleburians 
have  worked  together  with  splendid 
enthusiasm  for  the  common  cause. 
Class  distinction  has  been  forgotten. 
Puddlebury  to-day  is  a  changed 
place;  and  its  citizens,  rejoicing  in  a 
great  deed  well  done,  are  as  happy 
and  united  a  community  as  may  be 
found. 

Not  that  I  would  have  you  fancy 


that  our  success  was  a  thing  assured 
from  the  first.  On  the  contrary, 
there  were  dark  seasons,  days  when 
men  went  about  with  faces  pale  and 
drawn  with  anxiety,  none  knowing 
where  and  when  the  Dread  Thing 
might  declare  itself  in  our  midst. 
Happily,  however,  the  precautionary 
measures  of  the  Committee  were  as 
efficacious  as  they  were  prompt.  An 


RIVER    NOTES    AND    QUERIES. 

.Apparition  (rising  from  the  depth*).  "  HATB  Ton  (pff)  SEES  A  '  CINADER  '  ANYWHEBE 
ABOUT?" 


emergency  hospital  was  established 
on  the  outskirts  of  the  parish,  in 
which  anyone  who  displayed  the 
slightest  symptom  of  an  inclination 
to  dress-up  might  instantly  be 
isolated.  By  a  specially-passed  by- 
law Mediaevalism  became  a  notifiable 
disease,  with  severe  penalties  for  its 
concealment,  while  so  strict  was  the 
quarantine  enforced  upon  such  in- 
fected areas  as  Oxford  or  Bury  St. 
Edmunds  that  no  one  from  either 
of  these  places  was  allowed  to  set 


foot   in    Puddlebury    throughout   the 
whole  of  the  "  dangerous  "  period. 

In  spite  of  all,  however,  we  had 
some  nasty  moments  of  fright,  espe- 
cially towards  the  end  of  May,  when 
an  elderly  maiden  lady,  previously 
one  of  the  most  highly-respected  in- 
habitants of  the  town,  was  overheard 
at  a  garden  party  to  express  her 
regret  that  modern  costume  was  "  BO 
much  less  pictur- 
esque than  that  of 
the  olden  days." 
The  case  (which 
perhaps  excited 
more  apprehension 
than  it  deserved, 
owing  to  the  posi- 
tion of  the  victim 
and  the  publicity 
of  the  seizure)  was, 
however,  promptly 
dealt  with,  and, 
though  small 
alarms  of  the  kind 
were  for  some  time 
not  infrequent, 
Puddlebury  was 
never  again  seri- 
ously threatened, 
till  a  fortunately 
early  and  inclement 
Autumn  put  an  end 
to  our  anxiety. 

On  the  day  when 
the  danger  was 
officially  declared 
over,  yet  another 
crowded  and  enthu- 
siastic meeting  was 
held,  at  which  it 
was  unanimously 
agreed  that  the  sur- 
plus of  the  defence 
funds  should  be 
spent  partly  in  a 
display  of  fireworks, 
partly  in  a  service 
of  plate  to  be  pre- 
sented to  the  Rec- 
tor by  his  grateful 
fellow  -  citizens  to 
record  their  appre- 
ciation of  the  fact 
(we  now  quote 
from  the  inscrip- 
tion) that  it  was 


mainly  "  through  his  heroic  and  un 
tiring  efforts  that  Puddjebury  to-day 
occupies  the  proud  position  of  being 
—The  Only  Town  in  England  that 
did  not  have  a  Historical  Pageant." 


Meteorological  Forecast. 
POSSIBILITY  OF  MORE  WEATHER. 

"  Little  change  in  the  general  char- 
acter of  the  weather  is,  however, 
likely  to  result  except  a  possible  in- 
crease."— Guardian. 


PUN«  II.   Mil   Till]   l.MNDON  CHARIVARI. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  PunrKi  faff  of  Isarntd  Clfr*i.) 


authoress  of  The  (.',/.  K/i'.il 


has  i 


a  . 

,al  prosperity.     Bhe  leans  to  the  suj 

',•:..  v  •:.  :•    m   0    leering  g  m]     i  i  : 
the  beyond  which  (rather  fortunately 


)  it  is  not 

S'ven  to  everyone  to  perceive.  Here  in  The  Burning 
.  ,  •;  ,...,,  ;;  ^  MOSTRI  SOB  pn  nU  D  ..  ret 
Ellerto*  a  hall-Spanish  girl,  in  the  rutiier  unoomforv 
able  part  o!  a  heroino  with  second  sight;  Gregory 
ri*gtan,  a  thorough-going  idealist,  bandar  of  a  Brother- 
hood that  reforms  the  standards  of  trade.  abjures  in.  'at. 
and  tattoos  its  wrists;  and,  for  counterfoils,  the  ban  but 
beautiful  family  of  Mr  Muncatten,  a  well-arrived  par- 

in     (i  louces  tcr 

Square.     There  are  some 

admirable  characters 

in   this  book;    the   vague. 

thread    is    well 

n  with  the  plot; 

and  the  angels  are  not  too 

sharply     separated      from 

less  desirable   ri«-4- 

ri«.     The  world  may  be  as 

hollow  as  .\/r.  llunthornf's 

bead,  but  there  arc  plenty 

of     commonplace     people 

with   a  sufficient  tinge  of 

spirituality  to  make  it  de- 

cently habitable.     Wo  are 

especially     taken     with 

Olympta    Mum,     Muncat- 

•tn't  sister  (be  has  made 

the  unpresentables  of  his 

rpopl    family    change 

their  original  name),  whose 

vulgar    good-nature    is    so 

tious;  with  Scbattian, 

the  ne'er-do-well  son,  win) 

champions  the  orphan  "  Don't,"  and  with  that  delight- 

fully   matter-of-fact    lady,     A/r«.    Jones.      "  Oh,     my 

dear,"  says  she  (in  response  to  the  heroine's  Cassandra- 

like    premonitions    of    disaster),    1'  that    means    your 

M  out  of  order.     A  mist  before  the  eyes  is  a  sure 

sign  of  it."     Miss  MOSTREBOR  is  to  be  congratulated  on 

•   very   charming   book;  but   isn't   a   railway    accident 

rather  a  threadbare  device  for  bringing  about  an  inevita- 

ble death?    It  should  bo  only  your  hare-brained  des- 

perado (one  would  think)  in  romance  who  has  the  nerve 

to  take  a  third-class  ticket  to  town. 


JAMES  goes  on  n-  '"  *""»  '"' 

JIIR  ,  mother  Australian  ehampkm.      Miss  .!  • 

-.,  ry  proper  M: 

.;,al  institutions.      She  fell  in  love  with 

:  IIKY  at  first  sight,  ami  the  first  time  she  saw  the 

|UN  |  .rt  throl-lied  like  n  Vanguard  omnil»\is  !iefo-e 

fi-!t  h..t  ami  shi;  i  she  \v;r 

to  go  straight  'up  to  him   ami  kiss  his  hands  and 
r..  ,..,..  i  would  IQtfl  1-  •!"  tarn  thing  f.-r  you." 


.        . 
tralian  and  Colonial  papers  please  c 

Mr.  A.  C.  F«'X  I>AVIKS  is  extraordinarily  nimble  at 
twisting  and  knotting  the  threads  of  a  narrative  until 
they  are  apparently  an  inextricable  tangle,  but  he  has 
not,  to  my  mind,  written  an  ideal  d  y  in  T/i« 

Mauli  r<  r>  r    Murders    (LAMB).       I    think    for    a     : 

story    to    bo    really 
factory   the   reader  should 
be    supplied     with     every 
clue,   so  that   if  ho   is  in- 
genious   enough    he    • 

the  imstery  fur  him- 
self.    The    author    should 
not  take  the  mean  advan- 
tage of  concealing   to  tin- 
end,   as   Mr.    l-'nx    lM 
does,      the      facts      upon 
which    everything    hi' 
He  should  —  or  so  1   think 
—  boldly     display     his     in- 
gredients,       and       having 
given  them  all  a  fair  - 
so   manipulate    them    that 
he  can  defy  the  read 
say    before    the    thing    is 
complete  which  is  the  im- 
portant one.     I  conf' 
have   never   written   a   de- 
tective   story,    and    that    if 
I    did    1    should    prolial.ly 
break  my  own  rules.    They 
But   they   ought   not   to   I 


Small  Day  (lo  Jontt,  uho  hat  been  taking  part  in  the  total  pageant) 
"S*T,  Him*,  yoTHU  sin  EUR'LL  oivi  TOO  A  FOOT  ir  TOO 'u.  STOP 
A>'  PLAT  'Ami  LACMB'  os  TM  'ABP." 


Bachelor  Betty  is  a  CONSTABI*.  and  therefore  rightly 
deals  with  "  homely  scenes  painted  in  a  simple  way,"- 
scenes  not  in  East  Anglia,  but  on  board  a  homeward- 
bound  ship;  at  Colombo;  in  a  village  not  («•  -nty  mil.  s 
from   I  in  a  Ladies  >t  a  stone's  throu 

from  1  ..m  th  If;  in  a  tiny  \S  • 

flat;  r  *ide  villa;  and  generally  in  just  the 

place*  where  you  would  expect  to  find  a  bachelor 
lady  who  had  come  all  •  Australia  • 

WlNTTBXD 
•';/.  nn  Australian  l«.rn,  and  in  ' 

;  :lgrirnag.  "  so  that 


what 


and  docs  and  says,   and  her  \ 


England   as  seen   through    Australian   glasses,    has   the 

ithor's  personal  rx 
,    fr.sh   and  bright,   and   if 


are   rather   difficult. 


difficult  for  a  writer  of  Mr.  Fox  DAVIES'S  unquestionable 
skill  at  the  game. 


TO    A    GERMAN    BAND. 
OH,  you  who  with  robust  Teutonic  checks 

Distended  to  extraordinary  size, 

Encamp  beneath  unfriendly  British  skies 
And  fill  the  air  with  strange,  discordant  squeaks, 
Imagine  not  that  I  am  one  who  EC< 

To  censure  your  misguided  enterprise; 

Your  strains  I  welcome  rather  than  despise, 
Although  they  change  not  with  the  passing  weeks. 

I  have  not  called  down  curses  on  your  IK  ad, 
Perhaps  because  I  have  tin-  luck  to  own 

A  soul  to  music's  influences  dead, 

And  know  not  if  your  tunes  !..•  rightly  blown; 

And  M  hen  1  hear  y  HI  I  have  tin-rely  (-aid  : 

"  This  must  I'-  how  the  \\.ek  has  flown  1 


Tlir  t'urk  C<initlittiti<in  quotes  The  Daily  Newt  on 
Tariff  U.-form  as  f. illo\\s  : 

"Tlie  people  »•  a  whole  »re  utterly  nncoiivinced  1>y  lhi«  agitation. 
They  ar«>  not  to  much  auger.-.!  BH  ) 

This  is  just  the  port  of  nice  distinction  that  would 
appeal  to  that  rnerg'-tic  Tariff  Reformer,  the  Leader  of 
the  Opposition. 


JULY  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

A  WIDELY  circulated  newspaper  has 
referred  to  OUIDA  as  "  the  best  known 
of  living  English  authoresses,"  and 
Miss  MARIE  CORKLLI  is  doing  as  \M  !1 

as  can  be  expected. 

*  * 

The  fact  that  the  proprietors  of 
The  Daily  Mail  are  conducting  some 
boring  experiments 
outside  St.  Paul's 
Cathedral  led  to  an 
absurd  rumour  last 
week  to  the  effect 
that,  overcome  by 
remorse,  they  were 
about  to  enter  the 
Church,  and  had 
chosen  this  subter- 
ranean route  through 
a  modest  desire  to 

avoid  observation. 

*  * 

On  the  other 
hand  there  is  a 
rumour  abroad, 
which,  however,  we 
have  been  unable  to 
substantiate,  to  the 
effect  that  The 
Chronicle,  The  Daily 
Xi  irs,  The  Express, 
and  Tlic  Morning 
I. f<ulcr  are  about  to 
open  funds  with  a 
view  to  raising 
X.'iU.OOO  to  present  to 
a  rival  morning  paper 
as  a  mark  of  their 
sympathy  and  es- 
teem. 

*  * 

At  the  sale  of  Old 
Bailey  relics  the  dock 
in  which  most  of  the 
notorious  criminals 
for  upwards  of  a  cen- 
tury had  stood  for 
trial  was  bought  by  a 
private  purchaser.  In 
the  language  of  auc- 
tioneers, it  is  a  curio 
which  would  look  well 
in  the  home  of  many 

a  millionaire. 

*  * 

A    judge    made    a 
really  capital  joke  during  a  murder 
trial  last  week. 

*  * 

* 

To  everyone's  surprise  a  Little  Eng- 
land Member  of  Parliament  last  week 
asked  the  Secretary  to  the  Admiralty 
the  apparently  patriotic  question, 
^  ere  any  precautions  taken  to  pre- 
vent a  treacherous  foe  surprising  our 
ships  when  anchored  near  Ports- 
mouth in  times  of  peace?  One  can 


only  imagine  that  he  wished  to  raise 
a  protest  had  he  recei\ed  an  un- 
qualified affirmative  as  an  answer. 


The  announcement  that,  on  the 
occasion  of  the  KING'S  Review  at 
Cowes,  the  Fleet  will  be  undressed  at 
sunset  has,  we  hear,  resulted  in  a 
strong  protest  being  sent  to  the  Ad- 


people  who  were  present  at  the  battle 
of  Waterloo. 

v 

Wo   understand    that    Sir  THOMAS 
FRASER,  whom  the  London  On 
described  as  "  deceased  "  tho  other 
day,   has   become   a  member  of   the 
Anti-Premature  Burial  Society. 


Two 


V 

accidents    occurred 


IN    THE    MOVEMENT. 

Wench.  "Do  YOU  PAJ  MUCH?  I  WAS  WONDERING  IF  YOU'D  HELP  us  AT  PIPLEY 
I.ATKR  ON." 

Yarlct.  "MY  DEAH  LADY,  I'M  AIISOLUTELY  BOOKED  UP  FOR  THE  SEASON.  LET'S  SEE. 
I'M  OLIVER  CROMWELL  AT  LAND'S  END  ON  FRIDAY;  PERKIN  WARBECK  IN  THE  ISLE 
OF  MAN  ON  BANK  HOLIDAY;  TITUS  GATES  IN  THE  SCILLIES  ON  THE  lOrn;  ASD  THEM 
KTHF.I.RED  THE  UNRF.ADY  IN  SHETLAND.  SORRY.  No  oo." 


miralty  by  the  Society  for  the  Propa- 
gation of  Propriety. 

*  * 

A  duck  belonging  to  Mr.  WEDLAKE, 
of  Bugle,  Cornwall,  has  attained  the 
extraordinary 
years,     while 

county  of  Devon,  at  Kingsbridge,  Mr. 
E.  S.  STIDSON  possesses  a  goose  aged 
twenty-four  years.  Both  birds  can 
remember  having  conversed  with 


age     of     twenty-six 
in    the    neighbouring 


at    tho 

•  second  race  meeting 
at  the  Brcoklands 
motor  track.  Tho 
enterprising  owners 
are  determined  to 
spare  no  pains  to  at- 
tract tho  public. 

*  * 

A  Horncastle 
motorist  has  had  an 
exciting  adventure 
with  bees.  He  ran 
into  a  swarm  of 
them,  and  was  pur- 
sued for  a  long  dis- 
tance, and  11  1  t  i  - 
mately,  in  order  to 
get  rid  of  them,  had 
to  divest  himself  of 
part  of  his  clothing. 
It  is  thought  that 
they  were  very  young 
bees,  who  mistook 
the  petrol-driven  car 
for  a  sweet-smelling 
flower. 

V 

We  were  shocked 
to  come  across  (lie 
following  ghoulish 
head  -  lines  in  the 
usually  well  -  con- 
ducted Observer: 
GLORIOUS  WI;ATIII:R. 

HEAT  FATALITIES. 

*  * 

We  were  sorry  to 
read  in  The  Daily 
Mail  last  week  of  the 
flooding  of  Droitwich, 
and  we  are  surprised 
that  the  Press  should 
not  have  given  more 
attention  to  tho  dis- 
aster. "  The  thun- 
derstorm on  Sunday," 
said  our  contem- 
porary's report,  "  has 
broken  the  spell  of  fine  weather.  The 


town     is    rapidly     filling,     and 
largest  hotel  is  overflowing." 


the 


Up  to  the  hour  of  going  to  press 
RAISULI  had  refused  to  allow  Raid 
MACLEAN  to  lead  the  troops  which  are 
being  sent  against  him. 


A    TOPICAL    SONG. — "  One     Sum- 
mer's Day." 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHAKIVART. 


31,  1907. 


THE    DETACHMENT    OF    PRENDERBY. 
VIII. — On  THE  APPOINTMENT  or  MAGISTRATES. 

"  I  IMVE  often  thought,  my  dear  I' 
what  an  admirable  figure  you  would  make  upon  the 
Magisterial  Bench.  You  have  the  right  deliberative 
manner,  and  jour  known  detachment  from  party  poutica 
would  be  a  guarantee  that  in  your  hands  there  would  bo 
nothing  fishy  about  the  Scale«  of  Jus 

"  I  lew.     replied  PREXDERBY,  "  tlmt  this  quality  of 
detachment  would  always  spoil  my  chances,  if  I  may 
udge  from  the  attitude  of  the  deputation  thai 
raited  upon  the  PRIME  MINISTER  to  urge  the  appointment 
of  a  larger  number  of  Liberals  to  the  Bench.     Did  you 
remark,  by  the  way,  that  this  deputation  consisted  of 
jbcral  M. P. 's?— Members,  that  is  to  say.  of  th 
'arty  which  <-n  the  day  before  had  been  loud  in  their 
ndignation  at  the  content*  of  a  letter  in  which  an  Irish 
Estates  Commissioner  had  been  apparently  accused  of 
lisloyalty  to  the  Unionist  Government  which  had  giv.-n 
lira  the  post;  so  repellent  to  sensitive  natures  is  the 
association   of    judicial  offices    with    any    suspicion    of 
mlitical  jobbery— on  the  part  of  the  other  side. 

"  And  what  did  the  PKIMK  MINISTER  say  to  the  deputa- 
tion? He  said  that  tin-  present  system  ought  t 
ninated  root  and  branch,  but  that  meanwhile,  under  the 
present  rtgimc,  the  Liberals  had  scored  about  8,000 
ippointments  out  of  a  possible  8,997 ;  so  that  it  was  clear 
that  the  LORD  HIGH  CIUM  T.U.OR  had  deserved  well  of  th- 
Party  by  this  effort  to  correct  the  abuses  of  his  prede- 
nor  on  the  Woolsack.  In  fact,  he  had  done  his  best 
or  75  per  cent,  of  his  best— to  turn  black  into  white  by 
admixture  with  another  black." 

"  Talking  of  blacks,"  I  interposed,  "  what  do  you 
think  of  the  Transvaal  Government's  attempt  to  attract 
Kaffir  labour  to  the  Rand  by  offering  facilities  in  the 
beer-traffic?  Is  an  inebriated  Hottentot  so  much  more 
satisfactory  than  a  sober  Chinaman?  " 

"  I  will  defer  discussion  on  that  point,"  said  PREN- 
DERBY, "  to  another  occasion.  For  the  moment  we  are 
concerned  with  our  J.P.'s  and  the  proper  grounds  for 
their  appointment." 

"According  to  the  Prime  Minister,"  I  said,  "they 
ought  to  be  selected  on  the  strength  of  '  presumed 
judicial  qualities.'  ' 

"  Hut  how  are  you  to  '  presume '  them?  You  cannot 
1. 11  by  the  look  of  your  egg's  shell  whether  it  contains 
the  makings  of  a  first-class  beak." 

"  Anyhow,"  I  said,  "  the  property  qualification  has 
been  abandoned." 

"  Yes,"  replied  FRKNDERBV;  "  and  I  look  forward  to 
the  day  when  we  shall  advance  beyond  this  negative 
attitude  and  regard  property  as  a  positive  disqualifk-a 
tion.     For  example,  I  would  at  once  disqualify 
owner  of  a  motor-car  from  sitting  on  the  tlagj 
Bench.     For  bow  can  they  adjudicate  dispassionately  on 
a  case  of  injury  caused  by  one  of  these  instruments  o 
destruction?    Their  very  conception  of  a  motor-ear  i 
I.  They  regard  it  as  a  swift  and  showy  medium  o 
transit,  forgetting  that  it  is  also  a  lethal  weapon,  large!; 
distinguishable  from  <•(!,•  r  1-thal  weapon-  magni 

tude  and  cost.     And  the  dr  •   is  in  the  position 

of  a  man  who  goes  and  brandishes  a  loaded  : 
a  crowded  thoroughfare.    Yet,  if  such  holm-.  .•  -.r  r 
in  the  accidental  killing  of  somebody,  the  man  wl 
him  would  be  rightly  convicted  of  manslaughter,   am 
no  sort  of  attention  would  be  paid  to  any  plea  of  con 
tributory  negligence  based  on  the  fact  that  his  victim 


jad  step|wd  into  the  direct  line  of  fire  without  giving 
lotice  of  his  intention  to  do  so. 

"Owi..  rs  of  motor-cars  would   never  appreciate   this 

],!,•,  and  therefore  none  of  them  is  a  tit 

i  motor '  accidents,' so  called.  They 

hould  bo  tried  by  a  I'.eiich  made  up  of  potential  victims 
—common    pedestrian    men,    women,    children,    cattle. 
ogs  and  fiwls— withoi.  litical 

.pinions.      That  is  your  true   Social! 

on  would  be  crippling  a  new  industry,"  I 
ried.  hoping  to  impose  on  I'KKsnr.itr.v  with  this  old  tap. 
"  The  country,"  he  replied  unfeelingly,  "  has  survived 
^.plinp  of  many  promising  industries,  such  us  tlie 
rade  of  infernal  bombs  or  of  living  statuary.  Hut  to 
eturn  to  my  point,  which  is  this:  I  would  have  our 
tench  composed  Of  representatives  of  the  <:r,.|it  suffering 
Multitude  rather  than  of  any  favoured  classes.  In  a 
word,  our  J.P.'s  should  be  drawn  from  the  ranks  of 
hose  who  t-p'-rd  their  lives  in  dodging  motor-carts,  not 
of  those  who  cause  them  so  to  dodge.  And,  as  for 
x>litical  claims,  the  mutual  jealousy  of  Liberals  and 
Conservatives  could  best  be  chastened  hy  the  selection 
.f  magistrates  from  the  Labour  Part;,  only." 

"  My  dear  PUKNIIKIUIY,"  I  said,  "  1  ha\e  IH-MT  known 
ou  so   intemperate,    in   your   e\i  and   1    almost 

icgin  to  doubt  your  eligibility  for  the   I'.ench." 

"  I  have  already,"  he  replied,  "  pronounced  my  own 
disqualification,  rfor  yesterday  I  became  the.  happy 
x>ssossor  of  a  00-h.p.  Pantrich."  O.  S. 

HEBREW    MELODIES. 

SOME  Hebrews,  who  called  themselves  MONTAGU, 
Were  not,  so  to  speak,  upon  rontagu  ; 

Though  they  'd  altered  their  name 

They  were  known  all  the  same 
By  the  national  curve  of  their  nontagu  1 

An  angry  old  Hebrew  called  SAVILP. 
Remarked  to  his  son,  "  I  will  lavilol  " 

Said  his  son,  "  You  're  aware 

I  don't  often  swear, 
But  if  you  do  that  I  shall  davile  I  " 

A  child  of  the  Ghetto,  named  LYONS, 
Remarked,  "  Though  I  scorn  to  decyons 

Can  fake  a  stale  bun 

Till  it  seems  a  fresh  one; 
In  lhat  there  's  no  man  can  with  myons!  ' 

An  Israelite  known  as  JAMES, 
\Vhcn  motoring  often  would  mames- 

jurgations  because 

Of  the  motor-car  laws; 
So  now  ho  rides  out  on  a  bamcs. 

A  journalist  (Jewish)  named  SALMON 

\Vas  asked  if  he  'd  do  half  a  caltnon 

trade  in  old  clo's; 

Said  he,  "  I  pn.| 
That  topic  to  write  a  whole  valmon!  " 

A  child  of  th.  1  COWAN 

Kept  poultry,  among  them  a  showan  ; 

Removed  from  her  pen  tiles, 
And  when  he  came,  next    there  was  now  an  I 


An  Expensive  Heal. 
I-' ROM  a  North  London  Corn-chandler's : 
"  Poultry  Miitur*  -1W.  per  peck." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-JuLY  31,  1907. 


. . 


PARTING  IS   SUCH   SWEET   SORROW." 


LORD  ELGIN.  "  WELL,  MY  BOY,  YOU  SEE  I  'M  HELPING  TO  GET  YOU  OFF,  THOUGH  I  SHALL 
MISS  YOU  TERRIBLY.  YOU  MUST  BE  SURE  TO  HAVE  A  GOOD  REST,  AND,  WHATEVER  YOU 
DO,  DON'T  HURRY  BACK!" 

[The  COLONIAL  SECRETARY  has  expressed  a  desire  that  Mr.  CnrnciilLL  should  visit  Uganda  and  British  Fast  Africa  in  the  recess.] 


JOLT  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


77 


Coachman.  "I  WOULDN'T  BE  A  JOCKEY  NOWADAYS  KOT  FOR  NOTHING.    MONKEYS  ON  HORSEBACK  I  CALL  "EM." 
Chauffeur.  "  THAT  MONKEY  JOB  AIN'T  A  BAD  'UN,  IF  YOU  GET  FIVE  OR  si\  THOUSAND  A  YEAR  TO  BUY  NUTS." 


IS  CHIVALRY  DECLINING? 
To  the  Editor  of  "  Punch." 

(With  apologies  to  tlie  "  Daily  "  and  all  other 
Males.) 

DEAR  SIR, —  I  noticed  in  the 
columns  of  a  contemporary  a  letter 
which  stated  that  it  is  a  woman's  own 
fault  that  men  are  less  polite  than 
they  formerly  were.  This  is  not  true. 
Men  are  just  as  rude  to  each  other  as 
they  are  to  us !  I  will  tell  you  how  I 
know.  I  was  acting  two  days  ago  in 
some  private  theatricals.  As  there 
was  no  changing  room  there  we  de- 
cided to  dress  at  home  and  drive 
round  ready.  I  was  made  up  for  a 
man's  part  (we  allow  no  male  mem- 
bers to  belong  to  our  society).  To 
my  horror  I  found  I  could  not  get  a 
cab.  There  were  some  stupid  theat- 
ricals being  held  at  the  Town  Hall, 
and  all  the  cabs  had  been  engaged,  so 
I  took  the  train  to  the  next  station, 
which  was  close  to  my  destination.  I 
put  on  a  man's  ulster :  partly  through 
modesty  and  partly  because  the  night 
was  so  cold.  I  entered  a  first-class 


carriage  and  pulled  up  the  window. 
A  man  who  was  seated  opposite  had 
the  impertinence  immediately  to 
lower  it  again !  Nor  was  he  content 
with  this,  for  he  had  the  execrable 
taste  to  lower  it  four  more  times  1  I 
let  him  keep  it  down  then,  while  I 
shivered  with  cold.  I  was  not  going 
to  demean  myself  by  closing  it  again. 
I  told  him  pretty  straight  what  I 
thought  of  his  manners — when  I 
could  get  a  word  in  edgeways.  It  is 
a  pity  that  men  cannot  model  their 
manners  ( ?)  more  on  ours. 

ARABELLA  CAUSER. 

DEAR  SIR, — Chivalry  amongst  men 
is  not  declining;  it  is  dead.  For 
rotten  bad  manners  and  vulgarity 
give  me  the  modern  man.  I  could  cite 
thousands  of  examples,  but  will  take 
the  last  case  I  came  across.  It  is  the 
more  interesting  as  showing  how  they 
treat  each  other.  Two  days  ago  I 
was  playing  Angelina  Cray  in  The 
Purple  Litter  at  the  Town  Hall.  As 
you  doubtless  know,  Angelina  ap- 
pears in  Act  I.  in  man's  evening 
dress.  I  bet  my  cousin  a  level  dozen 


in  gloves  that  I  would  walk  to  the 
station  and  train  it  to  the  next  with- 
out anyone  guessing  I  wasn't  a  man. 
I  seated  myself  in  a  carriage,  and  was 
trying  to  get  a  mouthful  of  air,  when 
a  man  got  in  and  slammed  the 
window  up  under  my  very  nose.  1 
opened  it  again  pretty  smartly,  I  can 
tell  you.  I  don't  tolerate  that  sort  of 
thing.  The  bounder  actually  had  the 
face  to  pull  that  window  up  four  more 
times  1  It  takes  a  man  to  show  such 
utter  lack  of  consideration  for  others. 
The  fifth  time  I  lowered  it  he  gave 
it  up.  About  time  too !  He  then 
turned  up  his  ulster  collar  and  pre- 
tended to  shiver.  He  was  a  delicate- 
looking  weed  of  a  man  with  a  squeaky 
voice.  He  ought  to  stay  at  home 
if  he  objects  to  fresh  air.  It  is  so 
selfish.  I  wired  into  him,  but  he 
talked  nineteen  to  the  dozen,  and 
didn't  give  me  a  chance.  Women 
treat  each  other  in  a  vory  different 
way,  and  our  natural  politoni  ss 
makes  it  all  the  harder  to  swallow 
such  rudeness  from  men. 

VEBA  SPEEDJE. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JOLT  31,  1907. 


JIM     lltil*    «UV    s»W»J**«»    V«    wa«*j    v 

thrilling   episode*   at   this 
%H*erXVII.  of  bit  Man 


niGHW  •  M  \\AYS  IN 

UPSHIi 

Hitcover  Ctu»ew»v  u  one  of  the 
highest  parts  of  Upshire.  It  is  esti- 
mated that  from  its  summit  six  coun- 
ties can  be  seen,  or,  after  a  visit  • 

_•  and  Quakeress."  twelve.     Mr. 
MOSTICK  has  laid  the  scene  of  one  of 
his  most 
spot,  in  Chaptei 
triiN  the  Mottled  In*.  wh«  r 
lies  in  wait  for  poor  old  Lord  KELMS- 
oorr,  and  murders  him  with  a  loaded 
i  .     . 

There  was  a  possibility  of  an  obser- 
vatory being  built  here,  but 
after  considerable  discus- 
sion of  the  merits  of  the 
aite  the  project  was  aban- 
doned, and  the  building  was 
either  put  up  elsewhere  or 
not  at  all. 

Brimoton  Major,  which 
lies  midway  between  Cup- 
lipton  (pronounced  Culton) 
and  r,  is  a  very 

pleasing  little  village,  a 
great  favourite  with  artists, 
who  flock  hither  to  paint 
the  village  street  and  cross 
and  the  old  almshouses. 
Some  paint  in  oils  and 
some  water,  and  most  in 
whisky-and-water.  They 
stay  as  a  rule  at  the  "Blue 
Cow,"  the  walls  of  whose 
sitting-room  are  hung  with 
pictures  presented  to  Mrs. 
BOSSOM,  the  popular  land- 
lady. No  visitor  to  the 
Blue  Cow  "  should  omit 
to  call  for  a  glass  of  Mrs. 
BOSSOM 's  famous  home- 
ade  cid«-r,  unless,  of 
course,  he  is  a  teetotaler,  in 
which  case  he  may  call  f<>r 
it  just  the  same,  and  empty 
it  in  one  of  the  spittoons 
which  are  kept  there  for 
that  purpose.  The  Vicar  of  Brimp- 
ton  Major  in  1823-27  was  old  TOM 
VIGOR,  the  fox-hunting  parson,  whose 
deeds  are  still  related  by  the  old- 
sters of  the  village.  He  is  said 
frequently  to  have  interrupted  a 
sermon  with  a  wild  halloa,  and  rushed 
from  the  church,  throwing  off  his 
vestments  as  he  ran,  and  revealing 
beneath  them  the  silk  and  pigskin  of 
the  trained  whip.  He  comes,  it  will 
be  remembered,  into  one  of  FRAXTOK- 
PRMBERLY'S  spirited  hunting  songs — 
Hark  forwmnl!  hark  forward!  and  ride  like 


ried  the  latoJocBLYNWRAOOE.  M.P.,i this  day,  a  hoary   rel,e  bound  with 
and  was  thus  the  n,..tl.«-r  of  WKAGOK  iron.     It  is  called  HKSS  s  Oak. 


•lie  well-known  military 
coach. 

Brimpton  Minor  is  \  :i  the 

llrimpton     Major,     only 


same     as 
smaller. 

Huck$HJ<\  two 

famous 


N.F..  of  Bo- 
for  its  ruined 


castle,  once  a  scene  of  gaiety  and 


Tin-  castle,  after  holding  out  in  the 
Royal  cause  for  some  weeks,  was  bat- 
by  CKOMWKLL,  and  has 

r  been   r. 


IN  crriD's  COKNT.I;. 

[Vr.    1'uneh   it  convinced    that  affair**   At 
earur  raiuiro  a  delicacy  of  handling  only  to  be 


mirth.       It     WOS     h<  re     that     Queen  'found  in  editorial  office*  and  »  privacy  of  di 


Pt 


i    ii   -i.. 
thn.ugh  Upshirem 

then     the    seat 


the  n.V.il  progress  !cu«ion  only  U,  U.  had  in  tlic  more  sequestered 

•  'I'll  .  fast  IA  nooks  of  the  weekly  pr  - 

Inocast  a    .  ' 


was 


of    the     B1ACBI 


He  has  no  hesita- 
and 

.  t|lr  f,,||u»j,,K  |,.U,T  «iUi  its  j.rHty 

family,  and  it  was  old  Ix>rd  MACKK  p,,.!,],.,,,  ,,f  Uic  timid  heart.     In 
whom    she    was    honouring    by    her  with  precedent  he  iab)oias  a&  aoMBiaUi 

romantic    H"luliun    \\hn-h 
'!'  evolved.] 

'I'm. 
DEAK     Mu. 


ROMAN   HKMA1XS  FOUND  IN   UPS1IIRE. 

company.  A  masque  was  performed 
before  her  from  the  pen  of  GKOU..K 
FEKLE,  but  it  was  notable  chictly 
for  an  accident  to  the  two  actors 
who  played  the  Dragon  to 
George,  for  during  the  performance, 
it  is  recorded,  "ye  head  and  ye 
tail  came  to  hard  words  and  then  to 
blows  to  such  good  purpose  that  ye 
dragon  was  torn  in  two  and  could  not 
again  be  mended,  so  that  ye  episode 
of  St.  George  had  to  be  fore 
And  the  cruel  chronicler  odds :  "  I  i  : 
Gracious  Majesty  was  more  hugely 
entertained  by  this  dispute  than  by 
nig  in  ye  masque  proper,  and 
laughed  untill  it  was  feared  she 
would  do  herself  a  mischief. 
The  tree  under  which  the 


Vioos  is  there,  so  delay  is  DO  nes. 

.-PEMBERLY,    by    the    way, 
lived    at   Coke    Manor,    four    miles 

. 
TUM  VIGOR'S  second  daughter  mar-  sat  to  watch  the  masque  sun. 


,— I 

pjesume   that    \i.u   keep  on 

your  staff  an  "Aunt  ll 

.•r    at    least    an    Assistant 

.Mv  difficulty  is  this. 
Mr.'  X.  Y.  '/..,  though  a 
solicitor,  is  an  eligible 
bachelor,  lie  has  written 
me  a  letter  which  may 
certainly  be  construed  into 
an  offer  of  marriage.  Un- 
fortunately  he  has  written 
across  the  tup  left-hand 
corner,  "  Without  preju- 
dice." Should  I  take  it 
that  this  is  a  slip  of  the  pen 
due  to  professional  habit, 
and  give  the  others  notice 
to  quit,  or  should  I  suppose 
that  he  is  keeping  on  the 
safe  side  until  he  is  certain 
whether  the  money  is  there 
or  not?  As  a  matter  of 
fact  it  is  nut. 

Your  doubtful 

KuMYvnu  PI:. 
TIIK   S.. i. IT; 

Mr.  I'unch  regrets  hu\ing 
to       inform        F.KMYM  KIM: 
the    Assistant    Editress,    whose 

by  the  way,  is 
MAI'DIK,"  is  at  present  absent  on  a 
cricket  tour.  As  an  interim  measure 
until  her  return  it  is  suggested  that 
KHMVNTIU'DK.  need  not  worry  herself 
OS  to  what  the  gentleman  with  tin 
queer  initials  means.  Under  the  cir- 
cumstances she  would  be  well  advised 
to  make  discreet  use  of  an  ink-i 
and  to  have  the  document  stamped 
with  a  sixpenny  stamp  to  give  it  lega 
validity. 

"  Councillor  MATTISOX   reai>onded  that    our 
motto  was  '  Kriinus  '  ('  We  shall  bo ').  and  if  wo 
had  not  reached  that  standard  to-day,  he  though 
in  the  near  future  we  should." — Nortlifm  /•>/«> 

MATTISON   would  seem  to  have  a 
very  remarkable  gift  for  prophecy. 


that 

name 


JULY  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


79 


THE  LAST  LINE. 

"  GOOD,"  said  DOROTHY,  as  I  carr.e 
in.  "  You  'ro  just  tho  person  I 
wanted.  What  rhymes  with  '  west  '?" 

"  Best,"  I  said,  as  I  took  her  hand. 

"  But  that  's  dono  it  already." 

"Then  'blessed,'  'dressed,'  'un- 
dressed ' — oh,  there  are  millions. 
What  is  it  all  about  this  time?  " 

"It's —  Oh,  well,  never  mind 
the  paper.  But  it  goes  like  this  :  — 

There  was  a  young  man  of  tlie  West, 
Who  remarked  to  the  girl  ho  loved  best, 
As  he  dropped  on  his  knees, 
'  Will  you  marry  me,  please  ? ' 

and  then  you  put  in  the  last  line  as 
usual." 

"  Kottcn,"  I  said.  "Whoever 
makes  them  up,  and  why  ever  do  you 
go  in  for  them?  You  'ro  simply 
throwing  sixpences  away.  How  many 
does  this  make?  " 

"This  really  is  tho  last,"  said 
DOROTHY,  blushing. 

"  That  's  what  you  always  say. 
What  was  the  last  '  last  one '  ? 
'  There  was  a  young  man  of  Bury  St. 
Edmunds.'  I  found  you  two  beauti- 
ful rhymes  myself,  and  even  then  you 
never  got  a  prize.  It  shows  that  they 
don't  look  at  all  the  answers." 

I  was  fairly  annoyed.  In  the  first 
place  I  had  come  to  see  DOROTHY  for 
a  particular  purpose,  and  didn't  want 
to  be  put  off  with  silly  Limericks; 
and  in  the  second,  when  you  do  really 
find  two  beautiful  rhymes  to  a  diffi- 
cult eastern  town  like  Bury  St. 
Edmunds 

"  I  'm  so  sorry,"  said  DOROTHY. 
"  Do  just  help  me  this  time,  and  I 

Promise  I  won't  ask  you  again.     But 
should  like  to  get  one  prize." 

"  Oh,  very  well  then.  What  was 
the  verse?  " 

She  repeated  the  four  lines. 

"  Yes,  I  see.  Now  we  must  go 
into  this  carefully.  We  mustn't  be 
in  a  hurry." 

"No,"  said  DOROTHY. 

'  There  was  a  young  man  of  the 
West.'  We  're  practically  settling  his 
fate,  you  know.  The  poor  chap  is  on 
his  knees  waiting  for  his  answer— 

"  Oh,  is  the  fiftli  line  to  be  his 
answer?  " 

"Obviously.  And  she  answered, 
'  Oh,  turn  ti  turn  turn."  ' 

"  That  wouldn't  help  him  much," 
smiled  DOROTHY. 

"The  fifth  line  is  the  answer,"  1 
said,  ignoring  her.  "  What 's  it  to 
be?  'Yes 'or 'No'?" 

"  Really,  this  is  so  sudden.  I 
can't  be —  Anyhow,  '  Yes  '  or 
'  No  '  wouldn't  rhyme." 

"  Of  course  not.  But  I  must  have 
the  general  idea  before  I  can  make  up 
the  line." 


The  "Professor."  "Now,  A  NICE  EASY  SWING,  Miss— AND  KEEP  TOOE  EYE  ON  THE  BALL." 


"  I  see.  Well  then,  '  No  '—no, 
'  Yes  ' — yes,  no,  I  don't  know." 

"  I  'm  very  sorry,"  I  said,  "  but  I 
can't  possibly  get  all  that  into  one 
line." 

'Guest,'     'crest,'     'pressed," 
murmured  DOROTHY. 

"  Come,"  I  said,  "  try  to  put 
yourself  in  her  place.  What  would 
you  have  answered  ?  ' ' 

"  But  I  don't  know  what  tho  man 
was  like ?  ' ' 

"  He  said  '  please.'  I  don't  think 
he  was  a  bad  chap." 

"  What  does  '  of  the  West  '  mean? 
Had  ho  got  a  West-country  accent?  " 

"  I  think  it  means  the  West-end. 
I  may  be  mistaken,  but  I  imagine 
him  rather  a  decent  fellow." 

"Oh?" 

"  A  good  all-round  sort  of  man,"  I 
said,  warming  to  it.  "I  shouldn't 
bo  surprised  to  hear  that  he  'd  made 
up  some  pretty  good  last  lines  in  his 
time." 

"  Then  I  wish  I  'd  known  him." 

"  Now  then,  what  is  it  to  be?  " 

"  I  can't  say  it  in  cold  blood  like 


this,"  smiled  DOROTHY.  "It's  too 
awful." 

"  Very  well  then.  Wo  '11  pretend 
that  I  'm  tho  young  man  of  the 
West." 

"  How  funny!  You  do  live  in  the 
West,  don't  you?" 

"  Who  said  to  tho  girl  ho  loved 
best,  as  he  dropped  on  his  knees — it 
all  fits  in  exactly." 

"Does  it?"  said  DOROTHY, 
thoughtfully.  "All  of  it?  But 
you  're  not  on  your  knees." 

"  No,  DOROTHY,  but  I'm  just 
going." 

"  Oh,  you  dear  I  ' 

"It's  tho  only  way,"  I  said. 
"  Wo  must  get  that  last  line  right." 

"  Yos,"  said  DOROTHY.  "Oh,  I 
think  I  know  now." 

"  There  was  a  young  man  of  tho 
West,"  I  began  for  the  last  time. 

"  Who  remarked  to  the  girl  he 
loved  best,"  said  DOROTHY. 

"Will  you  marry  me,  please?" 
and  I  dropped  on  my  knees.  .  .  . 

Well,  we'll  let  you  imagine  the 
rest. 


1TNVH,  OR  T1IK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


;.Tn.Y  31,  1907. 


SPORTSMEN 
Is  !.•**  than  a  fortoifl 

comfortable  population  • 
northward,  and.  i£  I  may  use  we 

i  ••     •   .    .      •       •••••••.•••• 

crack  of  the  rifle  will  once  again  ha 


I    HAVE    KNOWN, 
from  the  time  that  thefto  lines 
rable  section  of  the 
have  str 

..-.     .   •       •  .      \vi 
'.    the 


eotea  of  the 


,  mute-moon.  Thereafter  we  shall  have 
the  .booting  of  pertridge*- if  any,  that  a  to  say,  survive 
the  rigour*  of  this  summer— and  tx 

,;..,,!  •    v  •  •::•.'.• 

from  the  all  but  inaccessible  heights  to  which  it  is  his 
happy  custom  to  rocket  after  he  has  been  beaten 
out  of  his  covert.  It  seems  ri«ht.  therefore,  to  use  the 
abort  brrathing-apace  that  is  still  loft  to  us  to  pray  Hint 
Heaven  may  defend  us  from  the  Dangerous  Sh« 
in  any  case  to  make  our  wills  with  all  convenient 
celeritv.  In  the  performance  of  this  latter  JH 

:'he  great  example  of  Tartarin  de  Tarascon  to  guide 
us.  This  brilliant  marksman,  it  will  be  remembered, 
had  attained  to  a  prodigious  skill  in  the  local  sport  of 
cap-shooting.  A«  a  cha»»eur  de  casqucttct  no  other 
Tarmacooais  could  compete  with  him  on  equal  terms. 
From  a  cap  to  a  lion  was  but  a  step.  He  resolved  to 
take  it  and  to  go  to  Africa;  but  before  ho  went  he 
decided  to  make  his  will.  He  sat  down;  he  wrote  on 
a  sheet  of  fair  paper,  "  (Vci  at  mon  tritamcnt  " ;  but  at 
this  point  11  overcame  him.  In  imagination  ho 

aaw  bin  own  funeral  procession ;  he  heard  the  orations 
which  lauded  his  virtues  delivered  over  his  unpalpitatinR 
corpse;  he  realised  the  loss  that  Tarascon  had  suffered, 
and  he  broke  down  and  wept  over  his  premature  depar- 
ture to  the  land  of  shades.  Let  us  go  one  better 
than  this  archetype  of  sportsmen :  let  us  finish  our  wills 
and  sign  them  in  the  presence  of  two  witnesses,  who 
shall  then,  in  the  presence  of  the  testator  and  in  the 
presence  of  one  another,  affix  their  signatures  to  the 
document. 

It  i*  decreed  by  Fate  that  every  one  of  us  shall 
at  one  time  or  another  meet  the  Dangerous  Shot.  This 
variety  of  sportsman  has  no  outward  characteristics, 
apart  from  his  manner  of  using  his  gun,  by  which  he 
may  be  distinguished  from  his  safe  fellow --creatures.  As 
often  aa  not  be  is  irreproachably  dressed,  booted,  stock- 
inged, gaiterod  and  capped.  He  may  be  quite  old  and 
venerably,  nay  blamelessly,  grey.  1  have  heard  of 
a  moat  aged  man  who  always  carries  his  loaded  gun  at 
full  cock  across  the  small  of  his  back  in  the  angles  of 
his  elbows,  with  the  fingers  of  his  right  hand  playing 
liRhtlv  about  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  trigp  r-.  II. 
I  and  excitable,  and  now  and  again  ho  swing* 
to  right  or  left,  and  threatens  the  whole  countryside 
his  muzzles.  In  a  covert  with  rabbits  scurrying 
about  and  beaten  eho'  ips,  the  m..-t 

formidable  person  .t«i.|.    the  ranks  of 

.iable 

i (ul   <>f    men   in   his   natural   diMxtsition,   and 
no  far  ho  haa  been  proaerved  from  I 

The  strangest  thing  about  joroiia  81 

everybody  know*  he  is  dan;  <  ept  himself.     M.  n 

constantly  say  to  him,  in  the  jocose  manner  appropriate 

or    cov'  they    have 

privileged    to    look    down    • 
"  1    we    you    shot ' 

virther  and  \. 
of    your*    have    the    pretti.  :  -nw 

•kg     awfully,     old     man,      but      I  'in      not 
•  pheasant,  you  know.  •  «H."    These  and  other 


shafts  of  irony  glance  off  him  without  in  the  leant  dis- 
tlirl  '  Sorry,"  m-saya;  "  1  'II  shift 

.,n,l    thereupon    be    raises    or    lowers    it,    rnkmtf 

f    the    ul  roup    as    lie    do. -s    it. 

me,  old  chap,"  cries  the  humourist  of  the 

...    ,lU(.killK  ).  '  1  'm    stout    and    1  'vc    p.t    a 

wife  and   family.     Take  JOHNSON,   lie's  a  thin  bachelor 

and  »  harder  niark  for  a  real  good  shot.1 

Tin TO  is  another  point  about  the  Dangerous  Shot 
has  generally  learnt  all  the  tricks  of  the  trade  of  safe 
shooting.      'He   takes   hia   cartridge*   out   of   his   gun 

,i   beats  or  drives;   1 

tiously,  extracts  them  before  he  climbs  the  small. -st 
or  passes  through  the  largest  gap  in  n  fence.     Be  care- 
fully studies  the  lie  of  the  butts  on  a  moor,  and  then 
incontinently  shoots  down  the  line;   he  calls  loudly   m 

to  his  next  guns  and  announces  his  ,,\\n  !< 
and  then  blazes  away  impartially  at  the  spots  in  which 
he  has  discovered   them ;  or  he  kills  a  rabbit  h 
your  legs  and  proceeds  to  marvel  how  on  earth   yon 
managed  to  get  into  a  place  that  bad  the  peculiar  knack 
,,f  making  vou  invisible  to  him.     Th.  regard  him 


with  an  awV  and  admiration  proportioned  to  his  reckless 
That  there  Mr.   \Vn.ni\v.,"    I   have 


.  .  ..,          "That    there   Mr.    v\  II.PI.NU,       i    iiii\<-    heard    a 
,.  do  kill    'em   prop.  r.     It  's   p-t   out  o' 
the  light  quick  with    'im   and  no  mistake." 

What   ought   to   be   done    about    Dai 
Everybody,  as  I  say,  knows  them,  and  evrryrxxh 
them'.    Yet,  for  some  inscrutable  reason,  they  c<  ntinue 
to  receive  invitations  to  shoots.     \Vh.-n  they  th.-i. 
are    the    hosts   and    the    shooting    is   good,    nothing,    I 
admit,  can  be  done.   But  these  cases  an  rare.    (1,  n.  rally 
Mngerous  Shot  is  the  last  moment  man,  who  fills 
up  a  blank  left  by  the  sudden  defection  of  one  on  whom 
the  host  had  counted.     But  it  is  better,  I  think,  to  be 
one  gun  short  than  to  set  the  nerves  of  all  your  partv 
quivering  and  to  have  gallant  sportsmen   dodging  and 
ducking  in  terror  through  the  whole  of  a  shooting  day. 

CHERRIES    ARE    IN. 
(The  Office  Boy  tings.) 
WHKN  the  boss  is  cross  and  the  clerks  agree 
To  avenge  themselves  by  insulting  »• 
And  they  find  me  a  job  when  it 's  time  to  go, 
And  I  'm  made  to  be  quick  when  I  want  to  bo  slow 

I  don't  care  a  pin 

For  cherries  arc  in, 

A  penny  a  quarter; 

Cherries  are  in ! 

n  it 's  "  Curee  the  !•••%  '.  "  whet,,  vet!  speak, 
And  I  'm  run  off  mv  l.^'s  every  day  in  the  week, 

they  talk  of  th'e  sack  when  I  ask  for  a  i 
And  1  'in  licked  in  a  fi^'hl  on  account  of  my 
I  br:ir  it  and  jjrin, 

in  ; 

A  penny  a  quarter, 
Cherries  are  in  ! 


inn    newspaper,     r.-f.-rrin^    to    the     building* 

uhieh  '          l-lund    Sit.-    in    the    Strand, 

•  .    \\ill    be    cmplo\r,l    iii    urd.  r    U) 

obtnin    the    prop,  r   Continental    >  ff<  Miss   AMINHA 

P,    ..!    I,ittl.'    Iliddl.-eoiiihe,    \\rites    that    from 
what  she  pitln-rs  in   her  r.  ailing,   and  from  eoim-r 
with    thos.     who    should    know,    the    use    of    the    word 
"  prop,  r  "   in  this  >n   is  apt  to  !,,.    misleading. 


JULY  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


81 


AMERICANA. 

Fair  New  Yorker  (gazing  at  Duchess  elaborately  eoiffured  a  la  Pompadour).  "Mr,  AIN'T  BHE  GOT  A  DANDY  POMP!" 


"DO    YOU    KNOW    B.?" 

CONVERSATIONAL  manuals  are  pre- 
valent enough ;  but  all  miss  the 
point.  The  point  is,  what  to  say 
when  one  is  asked  if  one  knows  some 
one  that  one  does  know  but 
thoroughly  bars. 

A,  who  is  a  fastidious  prejudiced 
kind  of  man,  but  kindly  and  averse 
from  giving  pain,  knows,  for  his  sins, 
B,  who  certainly  bounds  a  bit.  A  is 
introduced  to  C,  a  free-and-easy  un- 
critical friendly  man  who  not  only 
knows  B,  but  likes  him  and  is  quite 
unconscious  that  he  is  anything  but 
acceptable  to  everyone,  B  having  a 
gift  of  flattery  that  has  settled  C's 
hash  for  all  time.  C,  in  conversation 
with  A,  feels  round  for  some  common 
ground  in  the  way  of  mutual  friends 
and  hits  on  B,  remarking  naturally 
(for  A  and  B  are  in  the  same  pro- 
fession) and  genially,  "  You  know 
B,  of  course?  Isn't  he  a  delightful 
creature?  "  (C,  of  course,  has  gone 
too  far.  Ho  has  not  been  tact- 
ful. All  that  he  needed  to  have 
said,  in  order  to  break  the  ice,  was, 
"You  know  B,  of  course?"  To 
go  on  and  express  an  opinion  of 


his  own  was  not  playing  fair,  but  it  is 
so  common  a  departure  from  the  rules 
of  the  game  that  one  simply  must  be 
prepared  for  it.)  Anyway,  what  is  A 
to  say? 

This  is  a  difficulty  that  confronts 
a  critical  and  truthful  man  almost 
once  a  day,  and  no  one  has  ever 
given  him  the  slightest  help.  There 
are  many  things  he  might  say,  but 
only  one,  probably,  that  he  should 
say,  so  long  as  conversation  exists 
as  it  now  does — to  grease  and  not 
impede  the  wheels  of  social  life. 

What,  then,  should  A  say?  Re- 
member that  ho  is  a  truthful  man 
or,  at  any  rate,  is  a  man  too  proud  of 
his  fastidiousness  to  wish  to  soil  it. 
Untruthful  and  unfastidious  persons 
are  in  no  need  of  help.  They  go 
right  ahead  naturally  enough,  with- 
out tremor.  They  would  say,  no 
matter  what  they  felt,  "Know  B? 
Of  course  I  do.  Delightful  fellow. 
And  the  most  amusing,  too.  One  of 
the  best  men  I  ever  met." 

But  poor  A,  with  his  snobbish 
conscience,  what  should  he  say? 

"  Oh  !  yes,  I  know  him.  What  jolly 
roses  you  have!  " 

"Yes;  but  I  don't  see  much  of 


him.      Two  of   a   trade,   you   know. 
But  I  always  feel  it  is  my  loss." 

"  B?  Oh,  yes!  I  see  him  now  and 
then;  but  I'm  so  fearfully  busy,  you 
know,  I  have  very  little  time  for  new 
friends."  (Sighs.) 

Or — and  this  is  not  at  all  bad : 
"  Oh,  yes,  B  !  Now  that 's  a  curious 
case  of  what  I  was  saying  to  some- 
one only  yesterday  about  tho  two 
poles  of  personality  and  how  quickly 
one  realises  whether  a  new  acquaint- 
ance is  sympathetic  or  anti-pathetic. 
Haven't  you  noticed  it?  One  per- 
son you  are  attracted  to  instantly, 
while  with  another  you  seem 
always  to  fail  to  get  on  terms. 
Well,  it 's  been  like  that  with  B. 
B  is  a  kind  good  clever  fellow,  I 
know,  and  yet  somehow — you  see 
what  I  mean?  Nothing  distresses 
me  more  than  this  defect  in  myself ." 

By  this  time  C  should  wish  B  at 
the  devil  and  be  willing  to  talk  about 
anything  rather  than  mutual  friends. 

But  how  much  better  if  A  could 
have  said:  "  B?  Do  I  know  B?  I 
should  think  I  did.  For  Heaven's 
sake,  don't  talk  about  that  beast!  " 

But  where  would  social  inter- 
course be? 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   I.nNDoN   CHARIVARI. 


31,  1907. 


(to  ttrttt  prr/ 


•.  «fco  i«  trying  to  free  Kmnlf  »*,T  taring  oeen  kopdeuly  tied  up  by  Uue-iacket).  " 
MOH;  us  THKIIK!" 


RISUS    DRAMATICU8. 

i*  an  ailment  of  the  Stage— a  germ 
\\  hos«  ravages  are  shown,  in  every  stvle, 
In  |-.rtraits  <.f  the  fair   -which  doctors  term 

it  l)ramaticu»—l\n-  Fn./en  Smile. 
Thin  weird  disfigurement  appears  to  start 

'MotiK*t  those  that  fittU-n  on  that  mental  feast 
Musical  <  Ulo  Art. 

And  lots  i,f  Niitur.      l.,ts,  to  say  the  least). 
°tl"  I.  >t  -iin»  content  to  spar 

like  the  Vampire,  seeks  its  prey  an 
That  honeyed  class  which  always  must  be  fair 

1  always  are  professionally  young. 
Some  one  has  known,  whose  eminent  careers 

Have  gained  the  zenith  of  pictorial  fax 
Whoa*  faces  we  have  known  for  years  and  yearn 

Ixjved  from  afar,  and  alwaya  found  the  san 
But  the  blow  falls ;  the  pin  Incomes 

• 

-d  as  wr  ,,g  gUII1H 

All  naked— and  •  :  -neath; 

•ve  behold  our  bright  particular  Stars* 
Smiling  hke  d<,ckwork-see  thorn,  one  by  one, 
At  doors,  with  dog»,  in  chairs  or  motor-cars 

n  plain  dress,  fancy  dress,  or  next  to  none, 
wling.  till  as  wo  gsjr.e,  the  jawa  grow 

n 

They  are  not  merry,  these;  they  look  as? 

old  that  they  might  weep  t 


Mothers  of  Kn^'laiul,  be  it  yours  to  wage 

\Vnr  in  your  .laiif-liters'  cans,-  ,,n  this  complaint; 

And  when  they  want   to  pi  UJMHI  the  Stage 
Ami  ask  for  your  permission.  .:i't. 

Hicli  men  of  Kiif-laml.  r-.\\<>-  us.  .  -.'  your  weiilth, 
A   noble  hospital,   with   sp.-.  .:inls 

Fitte.l  alike  for  interviews  an.  I  health, 

l'"r  ^"^  .n^'  vestals  of  the  I  i.rin'.s, 

Where  sportin;,'  scientists  and  ^rave  M  ! 

M:iy    win    fat    knight'  .    prnise 

By  stamping  out  tlmt  trayieal  ilise:. 

Risut  Uramaticut—  the  Smile  That  Si 


I>rv. 


live   "Hard  '-Headed  Torluhiraaan. 

'J'liK  Colne  Viilley  election  is.  ap,.rt   from  p,,!  • 
more    extraordinary    than    at    first    si^-ht    npp.-an-d 
case  the  thin-  should   I,:,  ,,f  onr 

eminent    mathematicians    and    wi.-nti 
quote  the  Sheffietd  l>,nl,,  T,  I,  ;/r,i/./i     - 

IPS  ^S^  PBWl1  •how*  •    Cllriou»  coincidence     Tlip  niiml.-r   .  f 

l*nil  and  ConMtratiTe  i> 

riMlilli  «hvtioa.  plat  ttw  extra  number  of  role^ 
Mr.  Oainax'i  total." 

to  press  we  learn  that  th-  Ynrlmhire 
irn/'h   nn,i  .Sf,/r  has  ii;a.|.    a  similar  \V,. 

uhirh   of   our   eonl.  nip.  ,i 
MOT  for  original  research,  l.ut 
•niRh  one  of  them  had  gtol-n  • 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JULT  31,  1907. 


WHO'S  AFRAID? 


Airnn-R  ?,.  "I'M  NOT  A  B-B-BIT  FRIGHTENED."  HENRT  C.-B.  "OH,  Y-Y-YES,  YOU  ARE!" 

ARTHUR  B.  "  WELL,  I  'M  NOT  SO  F-F-FRIGHTENED  AS  YOU  ARE,  ANYHOW ! ! " 


JULY  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


85 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED   FROM   THE   DlART  OF  TOBT,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July 
22. — Alice,  behind  the  grille  of 
Ladies'  Gallery,  looked  upon  House 
of  Commons  this  afternoon  as 
through  a  looking-glass.  Every- 
thing topsy-turvy.  C.-B.  playing 
PUINCE  AKTHUK'S  part  of  yester-year; 
PHINCK  ARTHUR,  with  instinctive  dra- 
matic art,  making  himself  up  to  look 
as  like  C.-B.  as  possible,  recalling, 
recasting,  and  reiterating  C.-B.'s 
denunciation  of  closure  by  compart- 
ment. For  completer  symmetry  of  the 
plot  in  final  fulfilment  of  Alice's  be- 
wilderment, JOHN  KEDMOND  stepped 
in  and  vigorously  supported  C.-B.  on 
the  very  lines  in  which — on  the 
Licensing  Bill,  for  example — PRINCE 
ARTHUR  entrenched  himself  when  at- 
tacked by  C.-B. 

All  about  application  to  Evicted 
Tenants'  Bill  of  closure  by  compart- 
ment. The  fact  that  this  effective 
Parliamentary  weapon  was  PRINCE 
ARTHUR'S  own  invention  whilst  he 
was  yet  Leader  of  the  House  lends 
final  touch  of  piquancy  to  his  elo- 
quent denunciation  of  its  use  by  his 
successor.  To  begin  with,  he  couldn't 
get  over  C.-B.'s  callousness  in  limit- 
ing within  the  space  of  ten  minutes 
his  remarks  on  moving  the  Resolution 


"  TBANSMOOBIFIED." 

"  C.-B.  playing  Prince  Arthur's  part  of  yester-year  ;  Prinre  Arthur  .  .  .  making 
himself  up  to  look  as  like  C.-B.  as  possible." 

(IU.  Hon.  Sir  Arthur  Campbell-Balnerman,  and  the  Rt.  Hon.  Henry  Baufour.) 

hardened   than   the   PREMIER.     That 
personage,     doleful     to     relate,     sat 


that  authorised  uprearirig  of  the 
guillotine.  "  In  a  speech  five  or  six 
minutes  long,"  he  said,  his  frame 
quivering  with  emotion,  his  face  glow- 
ing with  indignation,  "  the  PREMIER 
moves  the  Resolution,  apparently  as 
if  it  were  the  most  natural  thing  in 
the  world  to  deprive  the  House  of  its 
most  precious  privilege— the  right  of 
free  debate." 

If  the  speech  had  run  the  length  of 
twenty  minutes,   still   better   had   it 
occupied  half  an 
hour,       PRINCE 
ARTHUR  could  not 


say 


the      crime 


would  have  been 
excused,  but  its 
committal  would 
have  been  less 
appalling. 

Descend  ing 
from  heights  of 
righteous  anger 
to  depths  of 
pathetic  sorrow, 
his  prophetic  eye 
the 
the 

decadence  and  ul- 
timate downfall 
of  the  Mother  of 
Parliaments.  As 
he  saw  the  power 
of  the  House  over 
the  details  of 
legislation  "gone 


beheld      in 
near    future 


and 


gone 


for 


T-M  H-LY'S  PATENT  "  DRY  SHAMPOO." 

"  Alter  'applying  to  Mr.  Bailoy  \vhathcmight  call  a  '  dry  shampoo '  g'o"f 

!nud  laughter)  \\as  it   worth  while  for    a   man  of   his  (Mr.  Moore's)  iff 

solemnity  to  be  engaged  in  this  high-handed  extravaganza  ?     (Laughter.)  ' 

It  was  not.     (Renewed  laughter.)"-  Mr.  Hraly.  malefactor 


ever,"  there  was 
a  wail  in  his 
musical  voice 
that  would  have 
the 
any 
less 


watching  him  with  amused  admiring 
glance.  Conscious  of  having  done 
pretty  well  in  his  own  changed  role 
lie  frankly  admitted  the  supremacy 
of  the  genius  lost  to  the  stage  on  the 
other  side  of  the  Table. 

In  the  exquisite  comedy  JOHN  RED- 
MOND played  his  part  in  manner 
worthy  of  rare  companionship.  Aban- 
doning the  artificiality  of  phrasing, 
the  pomposity  of  manner  that  cloy 
his  prepared  speeches,  he  delighted 
a  crowded  House  by  bright  and 
pointed  talk.  Of  the  three  char- 
acters on  the  bill  of  the  play,  he  cer- 
tainly had  the  best.  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
and  C.-B.,  transmogrified  by  circum- 
stances into  assuming  each  other's 
earlier  parts,  were  more  or  less  sue 
cessful  according  to  the  air  of  convic- 
tion with  which  they  severally  ex- 
tolled or  denounced  what  they  had 
within  the  memory  of  many  present 
denounced  or  extolled.  JOHN  RED- 
MOND'S withers  were  unwrung.  A 
Parliamentary  free  lance,  he  had  no 
need  to  attempt  to  hide  change  of 
position  under  cloak  of  expediency. 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  made  merry  at  the 
spectacle  of  Irish  Members,  who 
through  the  sixteen  years  of  his  rule 
had  desperately  fought  the  closure, 
and  now  enthusiastically  supported  it. 

"Why,  cert'nlyl"  said  RKDMO.VD. 
"  That  's  our  game.  When  you  pro- 
posed closure,  whether  by  compart- 
ment or  otherwise,  it  was  with  intent 
to  carry  coercive  Irish  measures.  We 
resisted  you  at  every  step.  The  pre- 
sent Government  want  to  pass  an 
emancipating  measure,  one  to  which 
you  pledged  yourself  in  1903,  and 
broke  your  promise.  Naturally  we 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


31,  1907. 


TBE  WCLU  0 1  ATTS  (THE  BIOTHEU  PuiLirw). 

Parti. 

Owion  to  UM  ttigsnne*  of  spare,  and  to  the  abnormal  proportioni  attained  by  this  interesting 
Ino,  oar  .rtirt  is  compelled  to  publish  them  in  serial  form  (in  notion*,  to  to  speak).     As  they 
.,11  ukf  «a»  lime  to  complete  be  hopes  that  UM  higher  altitudes  (above  the  raow  line)  will 
as  a  pleasant  and  refreshing  relief  to  those  who  hare  to  remain  in  London  through  August. 
(Col.  ITOT  Philippe,  Mr.  J.  W.  Philipp,,  and  Mr.  Owen  0.  Philipps,-For  the  present 
this  order  may  be  varied  to  taste.) 


do  nil  we  can  to  hurry  forward  accom- 
plishment of  the  beneficent  purpose. " 

This  cynical  frankness  gave  last 
touch  of  perfection  to  well-designed, 
perfectly  played  comedy. 

Buiineit  done. — In  Committee  on 
Irish  Evicted  Tenants  Rill. 

Tuftday. — Through  the  long  night 
House  again  in  Committee  on  Evicted 
Tenant*  Bill.    Large  muster  of 
Nationalist*;       small      but      sturdy 
phalanx    of    Ulster    men    scpir 
from  their  beloved  countrymen  only 


'  What  about  d»  Lord-Lieateoant  of  Caran 
— *»  he  •  Tory  1 "—  Lord  Tomoor. 
(Mr.  T  mmy  L<b.) 


by  Gangway.  Comforting  this,  as  re- 
presenting ditch  in  which  they  are 
prepared  to  die  nightly  in  defence  of 
the  Throne  and  in  loyalty  to  sweet 
memories  of  the  Boyne.  Otherwise 
attendance  not  overwhelming,  nor 
interest  irrepressible. 

Towards  close  of  sitting,  the  sultry 
atmosphere  suddenly  riven  by  darts 
of  forked  lightning;  humdrum  still- 
ness broken  in  upon  by  claps  of 
angry  thunder. 

Outbreak  ably  engineered  by  JOHN 

REDMOND.     Interposing  with  judicial 

air,    saddened    by    reflection   on    the 

ineradicable      tendency      of      Ulster 

Members  to  go  astray,   he  reasoned 

I  with  Member  for  North  Antrim  who 

,  had  accused  Nationalist  Members  of 

j  bringing  improper  pressure-  to  bear  on 

"Here.       They 

I  won,  ho  protested,  innocent  of  thi 
charge. 

"  But  "         here     studiously     mild 

manner  abruptly  altered  to  tone  and 

attitude  of  fierce  denunciation — "  the 

'••Till  Antrim  has  himself 

brought  such   pressure  upon   , 

niissioners,  writing  a  letter 
threatening    him    with    what    would 
happen    to    him    when    a    I'- 
Government  comes  bock  to  its  ow  n. ' ' 
shout   of    execration    rose    from 
'   camp. 

[fuel   to  the   fire   |,v  stating   that   the 
r  was  in  possession  •  f  a  Minister 

I  n°7'11ie**e™  OI  r '  ^h . 

All  eyes,  turned  in  that  direction 
discovered  T.  W.  RUSSELL  in  state  of 
profound  uneasiness.    If  there  is  one 


he  can't  abear,  it  is  to  bo 
.1  into  anything  approaching  a 
A  man  <:  from w  bin 

birth.  •!  its  p!. 

paths  with  sedulous  attention.  It 
rtainly  been  his  lot  from  time 

to    time    I  .  angry 

scenes  on  lloor  of  House.     But  nft-V 

life's  fitful    fever   I:.  well,   once 

more  on  the  Tn-asury  Ueiich.  And 
hi-re  is  .Toiiv  KiiiMoND  dragyin<;  him 
forth  to  take  part  in  an  affray  with 
esteemed  gentlemen  from  I'lst.-r. 

"  i:.-:i.l.     r-'.-i.  1  '  "    the    Nationalists 
roared. 

"Order,    order!"    clamoured    the 
Clster  men. 

T.  W.,  furtively  feeling  in  his 
breast  coat  pock.-t.  pr.Mlu. 
thing  more  tlian  half  a  sheet  of  note- 
paper.  Well,  if  they  would  have  it. 
they  must.  As  in  Hamltt's  day 
the  time  was  out  of  joint. 

"Oh!  cursed  spite,"  remarked  the 
Vice-President  of  the  Irish   Hoard  of 
Agriculture    as    ho    reluctantly 
"  that   ever   I    was    born    to    (- 
right." 

The  shout  of  \\ele.ime  that  ;:r  • 
him  from  tho  Nationalists  was 
swelled  by  exultant  yell  from  I'lst.-r 
men,  as  MOORE  rose  and  confronted 
him.  Amid  hurlyburly,  Member  for 
North  Antrim  was  understood  to  ob- 
ject to  having  his  letters,  part  of  a 
correspondence  with  the  Commis- 
sioner, "  sorted  out." 

"Hear,      hear!"      shouted      the 
Unionists. 

Yah,     yah  I"      responded      the 
Nationalists. 

To  do  justice  to  the  Man  of  I 
standing  at  the  Table,  the  incrimin- 
ating document  in  his  hand,   having 
undertaken    the    task    thrust    upon 


A  TAiKn-L  ORDEAL  roi  A  MAX  or  PEACE. 
The  tranquil    "T.   W."   finds    himwlf    tlie 
centre  of  a  hurricane  while  reading    out    a 
ruculent  letter  from  the  erring  Moore. 

(Mr.  T.  W.  R-es-11.) 


JULY  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


87 


him,  he  executed  it  with  consider- 
able vigour.  Dodged  in  among  up- 
roar, managed  to  make  clear  every 
sentence,  particularly  one  in  which 
MOOUE  wrote :  "  You  were  appointed 
by  a  Unionist  Government  to  see 
fair  play  between  WKENCU  and 
FINUCANE  [colleagues  on  the  Com- 
mission] ,  and  you  have  sold  the 
pass  on  every  occasion.  The  first 
thing  my  colleagues  and  I  will  do 
when  we  come  back — which  will  not 
be  far  off — will  be  to  press  for  an 
enquiry  into  the  working  of  your 
Department." 

As  the  reading  proceeded,  sound 
and  fury  filled  the  Chamber.  Deep 
answered  to  deep  across  the  Gang- 
way. CHAIRMAN  on  his  feet  pleading 
for  order.  BANBURY,  thinking  occa- 
sion rarely  opportune  for  a  few 
remarks,  on  his  legs;  MUNTZ,  speak- 
ing in  dumb  show,  close  by ;  WALTER 
LONG  standing  mute  at  the  Table ; 
SWIFT  MAcNr.iLL  beating  the  record 
by  the  height  and  vigour  of  his 
bounds  on  the  red-hot  bench  below 
Gangway.  PRINCE  ARTHUR  sent  for. 
Suggests  that  whole  correspondence 
shall  be  printed.  T.  W.  RUSSELL,  in- 
expressibly pained  by  turmoil,  as- 
sents. Storm  drops  as  suddenly  as  it 
burst. 

Business  done. — Committee  on 
Irish  Evictions  Bill. 

Friday. — Announcement  that  the 
Member  for  South  Longford  has  re- 
solved to  quit  Parliamentary  stage 
received  with  genuine  regret  in  all 
quarters.  Present  House  scarcely 
knows  EDWARD  BLAKE.  As  far  as  I 
remember,  he  has  not  risen  in  it  to 
take  part  in  debate.  In  earlier  times, 
dating  back  fifteen  years,  when  he 
took  the  bold  and  perilous  step  of  ex- 
changing a  familiar  colonial  legisla- 
ture for  a  seat  at  Westminster, 
he  was  not  insistent  in  speech- 
making.  When  he  did  interpose,  he 
bestowed  upon  the  House  the  fruits 
of  statesmanlike  instinct,  wide  cul- 
ture, and  long  experience  in  public 
affairs. 

Nothing  less  like  the  typical  Irish 
Nationalist  Member  could  be  ima- 
gined than  the  grave  and  reverend 
signior,  who  in  slow,  well-ordered 
speech  reasoned  with  the  adversary. 
Loyal  in  every  thought,  honest  in 
every  fibre,  he  sat  among  the  Irish 
Nationalists,  but  he  was  not  of  them. 
Feeling  the  weight  of  years,  the 
burden  of  accumulated  labour,  per- 
haps a  little  disappointed  with  life  at 
Westminster,  he  quietly  withdraws, 
carrying  with  him  the  esteem  of  all 
who  have  known  him  in  public  or 
private  life. 

Business  done. — Eleven  o'clock 
Rule  suspended  for  rest  of  Session. 


"I  THINK    I    SHALL    HAVE    TO    GROW  A    BEARD,   MoLLY.      IloW    WOULD    YOU    LIKE    ME    WITH    A 
BEARD  ?  "  "  WOULD   ONE   BE   ENOUGH,   UNCLE  ?  "  


Our  "Reliable''  Newspapers. 

" '  Which  is  the  safest  place  in  which  to  take 
refuge  during  a  severe  thunderstorm?'  I 
inquired  of  an  electrical  expert. 

"  '  In  bed,'  ho  replied.  '  The  mattresses  and 
blankets  are  non-conductive,  and  you  can  snap 
your  fingers  at  the  lightning  when  you  are 
between  tlie  sheets."' — Daily  Dispatch. 

BUT  what  if  it  is  forked  and  not 
sheet  lightning?  Besides,  we  read  on 
another  page  of  the  same  paper : 

"  In  the  early  hours  of  yesterday  a  railway 
gtiard  was  struck  by  lightning  as  he  lay  iii 
bed.  He  managed  to  drag  himself  to  the  house 
door,  where  the  fresli  air  revived  him." 

Perhaps,  though,  he  had  forgotten 
to  snap  his  fingers. 


Commercial  Candour. 
"  YARMOUTH     bloaters,     with     the 
delicious  flavour  of  50  years  ago." — 
Western  Gazette. 


MR.  JOWETT,  M.P.,  in  The  Clarion: 

"  We  proceeded  to  consider  whether  we  would 
give  the  Postmaster-General  a  blank  cheque 
for  six  million  pounds  to  spend  on  telegraphs 
and  telephones." 

The  Socialists'  idea  of  a  "  blank 
cheque  "  would  appear  to  be  a 
cheque  without  a  signature.  They 
are  certainly  much  the  best  sort 
for  giving  away. 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


;.hn  n,  i-»"T. 


Tin 

[Arcordiag  to  Tfc*  Wtdmimdtr  OaMHf,  aa 
Aawncaa  baa  inveol»d  a  machine  •luck  l«XMUS 
Au<j  ,rt  ooaraiUed  by  h»  oftc«  sUf .] 

Oa.    would    that    our    office    could 

A  register  able  to  mark 
With  mechanical  truth 

misdeeds  of  the  youth 
Who  is  known  (for  his  sins)  as  my 

rk1 

What  tales  it  would  tell  1       What  a 

Long   hours   spent   in   reading   of 

. 

When  the  click  of  the  Blick 
Should  be  heard  double-quick 
Type-writing  official  reports. 

np8  it  would  discloM 

Why  all  his  trains  delay, 

Why  cars  will  smash, 

Why  cruel  Fate 
Still  plans  some  crash 
To  make  him  late; 
Perhaps— for  all  one  knows— 

It  might  explain  away 
Th.  .  his  uncle  shows 

To  ,1  il.y  Day. 

Then,  too,  with  what  joy  I  should 

turn   from 

Thin  screed  to  the  strenuous  tale 
Of  the  chieftain  whose  smile 
All  my  cares  ,le, 

Wl..-e  frown  makes    me    tremble 

and  quail. 
Beyond   any   doubt    I    should    learn 
from 

•  quite  unimpeachable  clues 
It  is  strain  on  the  brain — 

•  cigars  and  champagne — 
That   accounts   for   his    afternoon 

snooze. 

Ko  doubt,  too,  I  should  find 
That  when  he  leaves  Whitehall 
At  one  o'clock, 

Superbly  dressed 
In  faultless  frock 

HIJOW -white  vest, 
•nly  has  in  mind 
To  pay  some  business  call; 
His  weighty  thoughts  are  not  in 

Kanelagh  at  all. 

And  yet.  if  the  register  told  of 
The  deeds  of  my  chief  and  my 

clerk, 
I  am  bound  to  opine 

•vould  also  tell  mine, 
Which  I    i  rather  have  kept  in  th 

rk. 

I  fsnry  it  soon  would  get  hold  of 
The  fact  that  I  write  rather  less 

Than  the  charms  of  BKUXDA  am 
,§. 

When  all  i»  said  n 


eds 

Js. 

run 

If  it  were  alv. 
•  when  1.  ts  at  one 

CARUSO  AMONG  THE   POETS. 

THE  performance  of  Andrea  ('- 
was  rkahle     by     Signor 

nt  of  his 

•y.          People       who      were      not 

his  passionate  affection  for 


Berou  KxEcrno*. 
Signor  Caruso  ta  Andrea  Chenier. 


Arm  EXEITTIOX. 
Signor  Cnroto  at  liimiwlt  again. 

his  moustache  .1  that  he  ha< 

sacrificed  it  on  the  altar  of  cn-ativi 
art.      They    were    wrong.      He    ha. 

•  1  to  anticipate  the  executioner 
und  rob  the  guillotine  of  its  cl.-ai 
shave.  Hut  an  •  •••  i...t.i!.l 

disguise   was  shown    in    the    .|ua! 

s    voice    and    manner,     whld 
assumed    an    unfamiliar    r.-t'n 
and  i.  tae 

was    when    he    ran    up    the    tumbri 
in   front   of  the   lady   wh 
d  to  share  his  death. 
'II  the  usua 

will 
•lisccnces    of    La    Tot< 


merit   of   not 
•  of  the  rather 
drama,     but     it     has 

-ling 
he  imagination  of  tie-  audience. 

.,    when    I    heard 

I  rom    a 
heum   which   did   not    allow   him   to 

lapses  ii  • 

vhich    compromise    the    brutal  I 
;<r,\rd.      Madam. •    M     ' 
he  old  woman  Miidflm.  who  has  lost 
a  son  in  the  t  '     -tille. 

uid   comes   to  ;.)ing   hoy 

,,r  the  cour.tr 

nice  artistic  feeling  in  a  short  e| 
vhich    might   easily   huve   sunk    into 

melodrama. 
It  took  some  tin 
III.IMKKT  in   the  sanguinary  costume 
f     Matliieu     (nicknamed     Popvlmt}. 
The  excesses  of  th  d  to 

lave  modified  his  rotundity.  The 
spectacle  of  this  j  >\ial  sansculotte 
standing  on  the  hustings  and  trans 
ating  the  placard  /.<i  1'iitrie  est  ni 
danger — into  h  Italian  for  the 

lenefit  of  a  chorus  of  Parisian  tricnt- 
euscg,  is  a  thing  that  I  shall  not  \vil- 
igly  allow  to  fade  from  my  memory. 
Mile.  iM.^nxx  as  M<n'ldalrnu  di 
('••iijnij  was  adorable.  Her  stillness 
and  silent  rapture  uiuler  the  influence 
of  a  personal  fascination  recalled  her 
performance  of  Scnl<i  in  l>er  Flie- 
gende  Hollander.  In  passionate 
action,  as  in  facial  play,  she  is  perhaps 
not  the  equal  of  Signora  (IIACHKTM. 
with  whom  a  comparison  was  invited 
in  that  scene  with  Gerard  which  re 
minded  one  of  the  second  Act  of  l.ii 
Totca.  Certainly,  whether  Hying  to 
the  embrace  of  one  lover  or  eluding 
the  advances  of  another,  she  .1 
travel  well  at  the  double. 

It  remains  to  say  that,   for  \ 
tility  of  inteli 

voice  and  style.  Mile.  IM-TIXX  de- 
serves to  fill  the  largest  place  in  the 
grateful  n  :  th.>-e  who  have 

followed  the  brilliant  operatic  * 
wliich  has  just  closed.      And  I  r> 
to  think   that   \\.-  are  to  \\.!.  ..me  her 
in   the    autumn   season,    which 
promises  to  begin  on  October  .'i. 

O.  S. 

Scotland  for  Ever. 

.•i/i/  Clirunirlr, 

Volume  XVI.  ..f  the  fentland  edition 
of  Sn  \  i  'ains  "  The  High- 

land Knights  Entertainments."  This 
_'htly.  we  think)  under  the 
g  "  Th.  -on." 

liave  be<-; 
W*tmint 

Tins   is   one   of    those    remarkable 
coinc-  herein  tl  '  .tious 

'     : 


JULY  31,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


89 


CLOTHES  AND  CLASSES. 

["  It  is  true  that,  speaking  generally,  busi- 
ness men,  clerks,  shop  attendants,  and  others 
of  tliis  class  are  well  dressed,  and  present,  as 
ii  mil-,  a  neat  and  attractive  appearance  which 
gains  approval ;  but  the  condition  of  the  work- 
ing-class is  nearly  always  deplorable."] 

THE  foregoing  remarks  from  the 
Lancet  have  naturally  excited  pro- 
found interest  amongst  all  thoughtful 
persons,  discussion  being  especially 
animated  amongst  the  various  sec- 
tions of  the  Liberal  Party.  A  few  re- 
presentative opinions  on  the  latest 
revival  of  the  Clothes  philosophy  are 
herewith  appended. 

Mr.  LLOYD-GEORGE,  on  being  inter- 
viewed in  Wales  on  the  subject,  ob- 
served: "  That  extraordinary  remark 
as  to  the  condition  of  the  clothes  of 
the  working  classes  is  an  atrocious 
libel,  and  can  only  have  emanated 
from  the  pen  of  some  parasitic  peer. 
I'd  '  lancet '  him  if  I  got  the  chance  ! 
To  abolish  the  House  of  Lords  is  no 
use.  What  we  want  to  do,  and  I 
have  every  reason  for  believing  the 
Cabinet  intends  to  do,  is  to  exter- 
minate the  whole  breed  of  hereditary 
legislators." 

On  being  subsequently  interviewed 
in  Downing  Street  by  a  representative 
of  The  Tailor  and  Cutter,  Mr.  LLOYD- 
GEORGE  remarked:  "I  certainly 
think  that  the  criticism  of  the  Lancet 
requires  some  qualification.  To  say 
that  the  condition  of  the  working 
classes  is  '  nearly  always  deplorable  ' 
is  going  too  far.  Personally  I  should 
think  that  '  very  often  '  would  meet 
the  requirements  of  the  case  more 
accurately."  On  being  asked  who 
were  the  best  dressed  men  with  whom 
he  was  acquainted,  Mr.  LLOYD 
GKORGE  at  onco  replied,  "  My  friends 
Lord  CREWE  and  Lord  ALTHORP." 

Mr.  VICTOR  GRAYSON,  M.P.,  the 
newly-elected  Socialist  Member  for 
the  Colno  Valley  division,  who  was 
recently  reported  to  have  said  that 
he  was  in  favour  of  abolishing  cer- 
tain ties,  was  interviewed  at  the 
House  of  Commons  by  a  represen- 
tative of  The  Hosier.  Mr.  GRAY- 
SON  explained  that  his  remarks, 
which  had  been  delivered  in  the  heat 
of  victory,  had  been  perversely  mis- 
represented by  the  henchmen  of  the 
plutocratic  Press.  When  he  spoke  of 
ties,  he  did  not  mean  the  article  of 
raiment :  he  meant  barriers,  obsta- 
cles, anything  and  everything  that 
stood  in  the  way  of  the  amelioration 
of  the  million.  The  red  tie  was  the 
sign  of  emancipation,  as  the  white  tie 
stood  for  obscurantism,  superstition, 
and  hypocrisy. 

Sir  WALTER  FOSTER,  M.P.,  said 
that,  speaking  as  a  member  of  the 


Gentleman  Lodger.  "  I  SAY,  MBS.  NAPPES,  I  DOU'T  CABE  FOB  TOUB  BACOH  THIS  HORNING  !    IT 
DOESN'T  SEEM  FBESH." 

Mrs.  Napper.  "  VERY  STRANGE,  SIB.    THE  snorMAS  SAID  IT  WAS  OKLT  CORED  LAST  WEEK." 
Gentleman  ledger.  "  WELL,  IT  MOST  HAVE  HAD  A  RELAPSE." 


medical  profession,  ho  had  very  little 
doubt  that  Tlie  Lancet  had  merely 
been  indulging  in  a  little  harmless 
pleasantry.  Ho  was  confident  that 
the  day  would  come  when  (in  the 
words  of  a  distinguished  member  of 
the  Upper  House)  "  all  ranks,  all 
ages,  and  all  classes,  from  the  KING 
sitting  on  his  crown  to  the  labourer 
sitting  on  his  cottage,"  would  dress 
alike ;  when,  in  the  words  of  the  poet, 

"  Spiritual  hunger 
Will  be  as  common  in  the  Duke 
As  in  the  costermonger." 

Lord  ALTHORP  said  that  he  quite 
agreed  with  The  Lancet  when  it  said 
that  "  an  ill-dressed  man  is  de- 
pressed." But  it  was  dangerous  to 
dogmatize.  For  example,  it  would 
be  unfair  to  expect  a  stoker  in  the 
Red  Sea  to  wear  a  4-iuch  collar,  or  an 
agricultural  labourer  to  cart  manure 
in  patent  leather  shoes.  The  affec- 
tation of  untidiness  was  to  him  far 
worse  than  deliberate  dandyism. 
Politics  had  nothing  to  do  with  dress. 
The  late  Lord  SALISBURY'S  hats  were 
always  rumpled,  and  he  was  informed 
that  some  of  the  Labour  Members 
waxed  their  moustaches. 

Mr.  JADF.Z  WOLFFE,  the  famous 
swimmer,  said  that  he  thought  far  too 
much  fuss  was  made  about  clothes. 
In  the  Channel  they  were  not  nearly 
so  useful  as  porpoise  oil. 

Political  Candour. 
"ROCHESTER:  Three  Liberal  magis- 
trates created;  totally  inadequate." 
— Tribune. 


"  DO  THE  BISHOPS  BELIEVE?  " 

WE  could  not  quite  bring  ourselves 
to  read  this  article  (advertised  on  the 
poster  of  a  contemporary),  but  we 
suspect  it  of  being  the  first  of  a  series 
in  which  many  long  outstanding 
questions  will  be  finally  disposed  of, 
and  the  whole  affair  settled  once  and 
for  all.  Thus:  — 

Is  the  Verger  Veering  ? 

Are  the  Sidesmen  Sound? 

Will  the  Churchwardens  chip  in  ? 

Does  the  Curate  Care? 

Will  the  Vicar  Vacillate? 

Are  the  Prebendaries 
Prevaricating? 

Was  the  Rector  Right? 

DARE  THE  DEAN  Do  IT? 


Treason  in  High  Place. 
"  IT  is  officially  announced  that  of 
the  twenty-three  persons  who  were 
arrested  on  a  charge  of  conspiracy 
and  plotting  against  the  CZAR,  the 
Grand  Duke  NICOLAS  and  M.  STOLY- 
PIN  have  escaped." — Westminster 
Gazette. 

"What  is  a  bore?  Oi\e  an  example  from 
the  British  Isles  1  "— Cambridge  Isxal  Exami- 
nation—Geography. 

WE  dare  not  begin.  But  we  might 
point  out  that  the  "  Daily  Mail  Test 
Bore  "  has  been  mentioned  a  good 
deal  in  a  contemporary,  and  that 
this  comes  a  little  hard  on  the 
blameless  expert  who  writes  that 
paper's  cricket  notes. 


... 


PUNCH,  OR  Till:   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JOLT  31,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

/:,    Wr.  l'un.-h '>  *.ifF  of  Isarntd  Clfrht.") 

.1.1.    Kin.iNti'a    Stalky,    graft    in    Ins 
virile  bosom  »n  unholy  passion  f<>r  p. -in. 

raking   broadside   of   his    vocabulary    with    a 
of  Bowery  » In- 
to the  nettbbourbood  'ots,  ar.  . 


him  gloat  for  three  hundred  p«g<'".  »"•!  V"  have  a  faint 
idea  of  Mr.  Caecum's  Me  **<i  '  I'swiM. 

Myn  is  the  young  lady  who  h.-lj       "     <  '-  (but 

not  Coy.  by  any  means),  in  Must,  r  SAMUEL  BK 

...  •    .  _•    :._•.  --.       ui.-re    ;    •  .  .    |:,.v.,  Y.  r.    :>   •)  ..!• 

•  secondary  motiv  more  than  the  gum,  as  it 

were,  on  the  back  of  the  ----  •  - 
narrative,  and  the  hero 
finally  gives  hie  heart  to 
another.  The  language  is 
what  bewilders  me.  Do 
North-country  pupil-teach- 
era  uy  "  Holy  snakes," 
-right  in  spoU."  "  dark 
as  the  inside  of  a  black 
dog  shut  up  in  a  coal 
cellar,"  and  so  on?  Or  is 
it  that  the  hoarding  of 
'triangular  capes,"  "black 
swans,"  and  "  Isabelline 
Spaniards  "  produces  a  kind 
of*  buccaneering  lingua 
franca.  Anyway,  I  pre- 
lic  »lil  Mr.  CROCKETT 
of  the  doughty  hero,  the 
gold-haired  damsel  (pre- 
ferably with  a  heliotrope 
sun-bonnet),  the  "  gurly  " 
monster  in  the  back- 
ground. and  lots  of  whins 
and  laverocks  to  the 
front.  There  are  plenty  of 
humorous  episodes  and 
descriptions  in  this  book, 
and  a  good  deal  of  move- 
ment ,  considering  the  un- 
promising nature  of  the 
theme;  to  all  especially 
who  wish  to  widen  the 
range  of  their  repartee  I 
heartily  recommend  it. 
Rut,  in  the  event  of 
future  editions,  I  would 
respectfully  suggest  "  The 
Autobiography  of  a 
blistering  Philatelist  "  as  a 
fairly  descriptive  sub-title. 
what  be  is  in  for. 


into  prominence  as  ::c.-r  of  the  Smart  Set;  l>ut 

•rt   life  and   a  much-photographed   »no   ho 

hypocrisy  of  it  all,  and  returns  t-i  tin-  : 

tii.-  "  1  iu-li;  on."  or  something 

I  is  at   first  on   tin-  M.lf  of  tin- 

:     •      .'  \\ill   point 

out   tlfcfully  th.-   folly  of  leaving  a  good  opming  in   HII 
in  onl.-r  to  go  on  t  "  As  if 

i    III  NHV    lUMNG.")       Hilt    Int.  • 

tin-  tr:ii:>'ily  of  n-i-riving  a  "call"  : 
Churrh  on  muti-rnal  a.hii-f  ehiflly,  they  \\ill  | 
that  I  jilaying  the  game.  Still  they  will  have 

to  confess  thtit  it  is  an  extremely  interesting  story,  tol.l 
clearly    and    well ;   und    (having   read    the   others)    that 

Mr.    (\.KK    improves    with 


Billy  (har'mg  takn  rapid 
BO»*T  OMB  son.    IT  AIX'T  wokn 


Mins«y  of  anut'i  uork).  "Hi,  UUTUBB, 

>•»••     •*  1  " 


III 


Then  the  reader  will  know 


Mr  l>»:4M"\n  COKE  should  be  beloved  of  parents  and 
guardians.  He  has  writt.-n  three  novels  now,  each  of 
which  has  been,  in  a  manner,  an  answer  to  t 
t»nt  question.  "What  shall  I  do  with  my  boy?" 
i  "  What  shall  we  d"  with  our  lx>ys?  "  in  ijuite  another 
matter.)  The  first  •  -h  hia  school  nnd  < 

'ii*  lastone-U^  fall  (CIIAPV  -con- 

cerns iUelf  with  some  possible  careers  for  liirn.     Batil 
Murc!<i*tnn,    the   I  s   three  ways  of  earning   a 

Ho  leaves  UH-  architect  to  wh<itn  he  is  »• 
in  order  to  go  on  the  stage;  and,  after  the  u«unl  i 
able  experience  of  that,  ho  is  pern  i  in  I 
Church."    Here  bis  passion  for  t  ..-lit  brings  him 


every  book. 

If   I    were    the    sister   of 
the   anon;  ntleman 

who    wroti.    //,  r    llrothrr'* 
n    1 1-'..    CHANT    liu'ii- 
ARDS)   I  should  have   : 

t.'iii|it<'.l  to  IIMSU.T  him  ae- 
eordin;,'  to  liis  folly  in  liis 
own  laiiL'  ~-.'inetliin^ 

like  this:   "  Oh.  I.: 

'••  r  you  cull  me 
'good  sister  of  mine,'  <>r 
'  ilf.-ir  little  goose  of  ;i 

;ij::iin,  1  'II  ^o  ri^lit  oil 
and    break    nil    t 
maiulmeiits      I      can      find 
lyin^'   around.      .Timineddy  ' 
You   make    me   elear   mad 
1 1.  re  am  I,  trying  my  j.r.-t 

to  li.-h:i\e.  and  you 
write  me  as  if  I  was  like 
the  rest  of  the  ^'irls.  Fancy 
telling  me  It 
place  I  ought  to  let  n  man 
put  his  hand  hack  of  me 
when  I  'm  (lancing  is  the 
waist-line,  and  that  if  I 
wear  dccnllft,'-  or  inflam- 
matory waists  c.r  open- 
work stockings  it  's  nn  in- 
decent <.r/i.'s.  .'  It  's  tough, 
I.KNT.  1  '11  bet  n  cooky 
when  you  wrote  that 
r  you  thought 

doing     the 
stunt    a   man   could, 
said  :      '  I  'm     prouder     of 
~  you    than    ever,    Kn 
proud  that  my  sister  mea-ur.-d  np  to  my  standard  of  her 
(uour  standard  !)  and  had  the  good  sens,:  to  turn  frvm  the 
chaps    that     bovend    around    her,    nnd    give    the.    most 
^  feeling  that  a  girl  can  give  a  fellow  to  (he  right 
chap.'     As  if  1  didn't   know  as  w.  II  us  the  ne\t   uom.-m 
liaps    who    :u  „,,,!    ought    to    e.  t 

-illy    f:le.  s    pii-hed    in.        My  sou,    and. 

believe  me,  \ou  make  mo  man-angry  clean'  through. 
Don't  gasp'  I  '„,  (alkiif  out  at  meetin'.  Yours,  in  a 
hath  of  fury,  Kin  ; 


Henry's  First  Latin  Reader. 
1  Tin:    family    motto    is    'Per   more    perterras. ' i'— 


AUGUST  7,  1007.] 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  rumoured  that  all  difficulties 
that  stood  in  the  way  of  the  formation 
of  a  Soap  Trust  have  now  been  sur- 
mounted. +  + 
* 

It  seems  incredible,  but  it  is  stated 
on  reliable  authority,  that  the  gifted 
gentlemen  who  write  the  first  four 
lines  of  the  Limericks  for  the  compe- 
titions in  our  weekly  journals  often 
got  less  for  their  work  than  the  writer 
of  the  last  line. 


*  * 

To  be  unprepared  for 
war  is  bad.  On  the  other 
hand,  to  be  too  ready  is 
also  undesirable  ;  and  we 
are  glad  to  hear  that  the 
use  of  hall  cartridges  at 
sham  fights  has  been  dis- 

countenanced. 

*  * 

* 

The  recent  plucky  at- 
tempts to  swim  the  Chan- 
nel prove  that  there  are 
still  plenty  of  Heroes,  but 
that  Leanders  are  scarce. 

V 

The  Home  Fleet  having 
been  compared  unfavour- 
ably with  our  other  fleets, 
two  destroyers  belonging 
to  the  Nore  Division  had 
a  capital  little  collision  in 
the  Channel,  the  same  as 
their  alleged  superiors. 

y 

The  Colonies  are  so 
often  accused  of  treating 
our  Navy  meanly  that  it  is 
only  fair  to  draw  attention 
to  the.  fact  that  the  bottle 
of  wine  with  which  the 
Hi  lli  ro/ihon  was  chris- 
tened was  specially  sup- 
plied by  the  Australian 
Government. 


Meanwhile    we    are    de- 
lighted   to    hear    that    the 
new   warship  is  a  magnifi- 
cent   vessel,    and    contains 
several    improvements    on 
the   Drcadnouglit,   which,   it  will   be 
remembered,  was  perfect. 
*** 


scholars.     But  has  not  the  Committee 
itself  shown  symptoms  of  short-sight- 
edness on  certain  questions  of  patriot- 
ism /     Would   it   kindly  remove    the 
beam  from  its  own  eye  ? 
*  * 
* 

An  additional  High  Court  judge  is 
to  be  appointed,  and  it  is  said  that 
there  is  scarcely  a  barrister  who  has 
ever  made  a  joke,  no  matter  how 
feeble,  whose  claims  are  not  being 
brought  to  the  notice  of  the  LORD 
CHANCELLOR. 


her  subscriptions  to  charitable  insti- 
tutions. We  feel  sure  that  it  only  re- 
quires a  few  similar  examples  of  the 
reasonableness  of  its  devotees  for  the 
cause  of  Women's  Suffrage  to  convert 
all  its  opponents. 

*  * 

A  public  debate  has  been  held  at 
Hattiesburg,  Mississippi,  on  the  sub- 
ject "Is  there  a  Hell,"  and  the 
judges  were  unable  to  come  to  any  de- 
cision. The  reputation  of  Chicago  is 
evidently  not  what  it  was. 


Xow  TIIF.N,  WHAT  THE  DICKENS  ARE  you   DOING   HERE 

AT  THIS  TIME   OF   XKiHT  '<  " 

Haitian.    "To   TELL  TElt  THE   TltOOF,   Grv'NOR,    I'll   A-I.OOKIN1   FOR  THIS 

'F.IIE  COMET!" 


It  is  indeed  an  ill  wind 
that  blows  no  one  any 
good.  We  hear  that  the 
abnormal  amount  of  rain 
which  has  fallen  this  year 
has  given  the  keenest 
satisfaction  to  the  Up- 
and-down  girls  and  Twee- 
nies of  Great  Britain.  It 
seems  that  when  it  rains 
there  are  fewer  steps  to 
clean. 

*  * 

"Another  Football 
Split,"  announces  a  con- 
temporary. Shoddy  work- 
manship would  appear  to 
be  becoming  the  rule  rather 
than  the  exception  now- 
adays. 

V 

People  are  still  talking 
about  the  recent  regret- 
table incident  at  Lord's, 
when  certain  angry  spec- 
tators did  their  best  to  de- 
stroy the  pitch.  Some  of 
the  guilty  persons  are  of 
the  opinion  that  they  do 
not  merit  the  harsh  things 
said  of  them.  It  is  well, 
however,  that  they  should 
be  reminded  that  those  who 
touch  pitch  shall  be  defiled 

therewith. 

*  * 

* 


One  grievance  leads  to  another. 
The  Criminal  Classes  are  now  asking 
indignantly  why  they  are  not  repre- 

Aceording  to  Mr.  JAXK'S  Fighting  sented  on  the  Bench.  They  point 
Ships  there  are  now  no  fewer  than  !  out  that  it  is  impossible  for  them  to 
36  Dreadnoughts  either  building  or  get  justice  in  the  present  state  of 


projected,  and  there  would  seem  to  be 
little  doubt  that  the  day  is  not  far 
distant  when  the  sea  will  have  to  be 
enlarged. 

The  Education  Committee  of  the 
London  County  Council  is  now  paying 
special  attention  to  its  short-sighted 


affairs,  and  Sir  HENRY  CAMPBELL- 
BANNK.HMAN  is  to  be  asked  to  receive  a 
deputation. 


*  * 


Lady  HARBERTON  is  alleged  to  have 
stated  that  until  votes  are  given  to 
women  she  will  give  nothing  away  in 
charity,  and  to  have  withdrawn  all 


The  gentleman  who  dis- 
courses on  Cycling  in  The 
Daily  Chronicle  describes 
himself  as  "A  motor- 
cyclist of  six  years  standing."  We 
should  have  thought  that  the  advice 
of  one  who  had  succeeded  in  making 
his  machine  move  would  have  been 

more  valuable. 

*  * 

Several  angry  letters  are  being  sent 
to  the  Press  by  persons  who  have 
been  accustomed  to  spend  their  holi- 
days in  the  Gobi  Desert  in  order  to 
escape  from  motor-cars,  protesting 
against  Prince  BORGHESE'S  statement 
that  the  roads  in  that  district  are 
really  not  half  bad. 


VOL.   CXXXIII. 


PUNCH,  OR  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ana-r  ;,   1907. 


esr 


DETENTION. 

Ma  of  aa  ri  M  P .  who  derirea  a  ainieter  eatitfaciion  from 
the  BOOM  ol  CoouDona  M  work  daring  the  greater  part  ol 


w» v 

you  are  awry  for  you:  I  know. 

re  '•  August  come  and  holiday  in  the  air. 
And  everybody  off  to  take  a  I 
Bornewbere-on-se*  or  Sr  • 


And  vou  mutt  ling«r,  grinding  through  the  null 
.v  many  a  stuffy  Hill ! 

The  kitting  grouse  ahall  still  sit  on  and  yawn 
Unscathed  by  you;  and.  cheated  of  his  fun. 

The  coney  scarce  shall  sip  the  dews  of  dawn. 
Yearning  to  hear  again  your  friendly  gun ; 

And  in  his  loch  the  listening  trout  shall  lack 
Your  fly's  resounding  smack. 

Ostend  will  miss  you :  in  her  crowded  bi 

must  defer.  I  fear,  your  annual  dip ; 

may  you  go  puffing  up  the  Kh: 
And  cock  your  ear  at  Lorelfi't  "  Pip-pip!  'L 
Nor  by  the  waves  of  Solent  drink  carouse 
Mixed  with  the  cream  of  Cowes. 

This  is  the  penalty  that  Greatness  pays; 

The  sacrifice  (vou  think)  your  country  asks 
Of  its  Elect— to  live  laborious  days 

While  it  (the  country)  goes  elsewhere  and  basks. 
/  thought  so,  too— before  the  general  rout 
That  chucked  us  others  out. 

But  I  was  wrong.    You  're  just  a  pack  of  boys 

•  full-grown  martyrs)  who.  when  play-time  comes, 
Having  abused  the  hours  in  idle  noise, 

Have  got  to  stay  behind  ami  d<>  their  sums; 
The  world  outside  won't  worry,  cither  way, 
Whether  you  go  or  stay. 

'lough  the  country,  through  your  half-year's  flight, 
Contrives  to  stagger  on  without  your  aid, 
You  serve  a  sort  of  purpose,  sitting  tight 

Over  your  toil  at  eighty  in  the  shade, 
Because*  my  joy,  you  being  thus  depressed, 
I  wires  a  keener  zest. 

This  cheering  thought  shall  speed  me  on  my  cruise 
North  to  the  fore*t,  bare  of  shady  shawx, 

Where  roams  the  red,  red  deer;  and  1  shall  muse:  — 
"  I  care  not  much  who  makes  the  nation's  laws, 

Provided  I  may  help  (here  's  death  to  stags !) 

To  make  her  sporting  bags.'!  O.  S. 


the  arrraat 


:   Wheo  you  call  st  •  home  and  find  the  lady  at  borne, 
•ftki  row  name  either  in  the  ball  or  ooUrida  the  drawing- 
d  TouciT*  it  aa  '  Mn.  Join  *  or  '  Him  Jovta,'  whichever 
be.    The  maid  than  call*  oat  roar  nan*  sa  the  bold*  the 
door  Open.     Tbe  correct  pronunciation  of  Mahomet  it 
aod  of  P*T7«.  Pepe."-Cirf«  Own  Paper. 

Hut  surely,  even  in  such  cases  aa  the  last  two,  you 
don't  have  to  spell  your  name  to  the  maid-servant. 

News  by  headlines  is  certainly  one  of  the  features  ol 
modern  journalism,  but  t)i<-rc  ID  a  right  and  a  V.T-  >,  . 
way  of  doing   it.      The    Uniting*    Argus   has,    in   our 
opinion,  chosen  the  wrong  way :  — 

KW  DEAN  OF  8AUSBi:i:V 


"llx  ruieeit  Drake.  Antrim,  and  J'Ja'-k  I'rin-r  tailed  from  Berv 
barm  Ttetardey  morning  for  Oibra'ur." 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 

.ir    in    the    early    spring,    when    the    young 
.•men'    fn.ni     <>xf.>rd     and     Cambridge     appear     at 
Putnev  in  thi-ir  wing  boats,  the  gentlemen  <>f  tin-  Press 
who  u'rr  t"  chronicle-  their  deeds  sally  forth  on  laun 
with   pencils  duly  books  pr.  'pared,  nn<l 

tin-  c.uitlict  begins.     I  speak  of  it  us  a  rontlict,  ; 

tliat  must  he  .'-scribe  what  actually 

takes  place.       YiHi  might  think  in  your  im  'hat 

the  undergraduate  would  he  i  •"«. 

lis  beginning  and  his  finish  held  up  to  tin-  admiration 
of  the  reading  millions  who  from  Land  .John  o' 

[iroat's  House  award  fan).  •••\\\,  perhaps.  In-  d 

feel  this  pleasure,  but  tradition  ordains  that  he  should 
•ully  dissemble  it.  If  you  may  bcli- '\>-  him,  hf  looks 
upon  the  reporter  of  his  exploits  with  an  a\.  rsioii 
superior  even  to  that  which  he  reserves  for  the  d<«ns  who 
;ate  him  and  the  duns  wlm  j»-ster  him  ihly  for 

ihe  payment  of  bills.      Dons  may  I>P  inollitie.l  and  .Inns 
may,    by    the    employment    of    simple    strati- 
avoided   or   deferred — but    the    eye    of    the    reporter    ib 
always  on  him  between   Putney  and  Mnrtluke,  and.  f»r 
;he  matter  of  that  D  Henley  Bridge  and  Hanmlc- 

don  Lock  at  a  later  period  of  th    year.     If  you  wai 
enow  what  the  much-blued  youths  really  think. 
them  as  they  read  their  papers  on  any  training  morn- 
ng.     They  are  sitting  about  their  room  after  hi.  akfn>t 
n  various  attitudes  indicative  of  healthy  repletion,  and 
each  one  is  absorbed  in  a  paper. 

Stroke  (indignantly,  in  himself  and  thr  trorM).   Well, 

[  'm (anger  chokct  him,  and  he  continue!  to  read). 

This  takes  the  bun.     What  awful  rot ! 

No.  1  (laughing  loudly,  but  uneasily).  Ha,  ha!  Ho, 
hoi  This  is  the  limit  I 

Coach.  What  's  up:1 

No.  f.  Only  the  usual  rubbish.  (He  reads.)  "  Quicken- 
ing to  38  they  held  the  scratch  crew  for  a  few  moments, 
only  to  fall  behind  again,   when  the  Metropolitans  an 
swered  the  challenge.     Do  what  they  would  they  could 
make  no  impression  on  the  leaders  and  passed  the  'Ship 
a  length  to  the  bad.    Various  reasons  mav  .e,|  f(,r 

the  disappointing  nature  of  this  trial,  Imt  the  fact 
remains  that  it  is  not  calculated  to  inspire  the  supp-Tt-Ts 
..f  the  less  pronounced  shade  of  blue  with  any  particular 
confidence.  The  time  was  given  from  the  C,,ach.- 
launch  as  21  mine.  10  sees.,  but  we  ourselves  made  it 
ten  seconds  more." 

All  (in  chorui).  Well,  I  'm— 

(A  I'ausc.) 

Cox  (suddenly  bounding  into  Ilir  uir  W;r  an  animal 
that  has  received  a  iturt).  Oh,  oh,  oh!  (He  tears  the 
paper  t<>  fragments  and  *f<im/>«  it  n-ildly  under-foo'.). 
There— I  'm  better  now  !  (7/r  gulisiilm  moi'dily  into  a 
seat.) 

Bow-  What  have  tiny  U,  n  saying  alxmt  you,  Cov  .' 

Only  the  old  trash  ftbotn  losing  two  lengths  by 
Steering  through    Hammersmith. 

Bow.   Well,  you  did  go  a  hit  wide,  you  know. 

Cox.  I  did  exactly  what  I'd  been  told  to  do.  But 
there  'g  a  shocking  bit  about  you.  ( He  sran-hr*  amnng<<t 
the  torn  fragments  and  finally  tried*  onr.)  Listen  to 
this: — "  At  this  point  Bow  and  No.  '2  had  evidently  had 
enough.  They  hung  out  signals  of  distress  which  did 
not  escape  the  vigilant  eyes  of  Mr.  Mr-m.KnriiY.  It 

possible  that I  can't  find  the  rest  of  it,  but  it 

hints  that  a  change  may  be  advisable. 

These  chaps  oughtn't  to  be  allowed  to  live. 
•i  is  the  spirit  in  which  our  Agamemnons  of  tha 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  7,  1907. 


CAPTURED ! 


isuZi  .  .  MR.   JOHN  REDMOND.  The  Captive  .  .  MB.  BIRRELL. 

[Mr.  BtRREU.  is  suspected  of  having  been  "  captured"  by  a  party  among  whose  camp-follower,  are  some  that  are  addicted  to  "cattle-driving."] 


AUGUST  7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


95 


FORCE    OF    HABIT. 

Tube  Lift  Attendant  (to  solitary  female,  with  customary  fierceness).  "  No  SMOKINO  IN  TUB  LIFT  !     STAND  CLEAR  OF  THE  GATES  !  " 


oar  accept  the  efforts  of  the  vatcs  sacer  who  makes  them 
glorious.  Obviously  the  bard  is  doing  his  best.  He 
ought  not  to  be  shot  for  carrying  out  faithfully  the 
instructions  of  his  editor  and  supplying  his  daily 
column  of  descriptive  matter;  but  the  undiscriminating 
mind  of  the  oarsman  rejects  him,  and  even  goes  so  far 
as  to  look  with  suspicion  on  the  articles  of  those  older 
oars  who  add  to  their  income  by  criticising  the  skill  of 
their  successors.  From  this  unreasoning  attitude  of 
execration  one  gentleman  only,  so  far  as  I  can 
remember,  was  eventually  omitted.  This  was  the  late 
Mr.  ED.  PLUM.MER,  of  The  Sporting  Life.  There  was  not 
much  of  Mr.  PLUMMEU.  Generously  measured,  he 
may  have  stood  sixty  inches  in  his  socks,  but  he  was 
round  and  of  somewhat  ample  girth  for  his  height.  No 
more  cheerful  and  active  little  man  ever  plied  a  pencil 
on  the  Putney  tow-path.  Neither  the  changes  of  the 
weather  nor  the  heavy  chaff  of  those  whose  merits  he 
celebrated  made  any  impression  upon  him.  He 
always  had  ft  profound  belief  in  himself,  and  could  afford 
a  pleasant  answer  to  the  few  who  tried  at  one  time  or 
another  to  be  his  detractors.  He  was  highly  esteemed 
in  circles  beyond  the  aquatic,  for  liis  services  were 
often  employed  for  the  refereeing  of  boxing  matches  or 
walking  races  or  other  sporting  events.  He  was  the 
undoubted  champion  of  the  boxers  of  the  world  who 
scaled  something  less  than  bantam  weight.  He  had 
not,  I  believe,  fought  his  way  to  this  sanguinary  pre- 
eminence. He  had  issued  his  defiant  challenge  and  it 
had  never  been  taken  up,  for  there  were  at  that  time 
no  other  boxers  in  the  world  so  small  and  light.  That 
he  could  really  box  1  am  sure,  for  I  saw  him  once,  whei; 


a  large  colleague  had  insulted  him  on  the  Henley  tow- 
path  by  knocking  his  note-book  out  of  his  hands — I  saw 
him,  as  I  say,  spring  some  two  feet  into  the  air  and 
plant  both  his  diminutive  fists  into  the  astonished  face 
of  his  aggressor.  He  never  professed  to  have  a  very 
close  and  skilful  knowledge  of  the  art  and  mystery  of 
rowing,  but  he  boasted  himself  with  justice  to  possess 
a  vigilance  which  allowed  nothing  to  escape  it. 
"  Nunquam  dormio,"  he  used  to  say,  "was  on  the 
spot,"  thus  attributing  to  himself  the  time-honoured 
motto  printed  under  the  open  eye  which  used  to  be  the 
badge  of  Bell's  Life  in  London.  He  had  a  supple  and 
effective  style  which  enabled  him  to  call  an  eight-oared 
crew  an  "octette  of  rowers,"  and  to  live  on  terms  of 
easy  familiarity  with  "  Old  Sol  "  (sometimes  called 
"  Old  Solus  "),  with  Jupiter  Pluvius  (affectionately 
abbreviated  to  "  Ju  Phi  "),  and  with  other  minor  deities 
of  the  heaven  of  sport.  He  soon  won  the  favour  of 
oarsmen,  and  retained  it  to  the  end  by  his  independence, 
his  cheerfulness,  and  his  meritorious  efforts  after 
accuracy.  The  tow-path  knows  him  no  more,  but  there 
are  many  who  keep  him  in  warm  and  kindly  remem- 
brance. 


How  they  play  Cricket  in  Durham 
"  ELLIOT  was  fairly  puzzled  with  one  of  VOOLF.B'S  swerving  deliveries, 

the  ball  striking  the  wicket  off  his  pads.     Fortunately  the  batsman 

had  not  struck  the  leather,  and  he  therefore  survived  an  appeal  to  the 

umpire."— Sunderland  Daily  Echo. 

\Vi:  hope  the  good  old  rule  as  to  a  batsman  being  out 

if  he  uses  the  wrong  side  of  his  bat  is  still  in  force  in 

Durham. 


N 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[At-crar  7.  1907. 


HIGHWAYS  USD  I'.YWAYS  IN 

urean 

CBATTKH  THE  LAST. 
I  Uviso  now  shown  the  travel! 
principal  beauties  and  points  of  in- 
terest in  tHia  rich  and  storied  county 
I  .shire  we  make  our   bow   and 
take  our  leave.    It  may  be  • 
that  every  place  of  interest  ha 
been  named;  but  then  temper:. 
must    be  •    little.       All 

amenta! 

ierton  Towers,  and  the 
Kubl  .M  only  express  our  re 

•hat  such  places  do  not  happen 
to  appeal  to  us.  This  is  not  a  guide 
for  the  tripper,  but  a  personal  impres- 
«» in  re.  H. 

we    are    entitled     to    our 
omissions. 

Of    Upshire    customs    a 
few    words    ought    to    be 
said.     Thus,    the    Fifth  of 
r  is  still  c.l-i  rvcd 
and  many  a  boy  looks 
forward    to   the    night    with 
a    beating    heart.     Squibs 
and    crackers    are    ignited 
freely,   and   guys   are  car- 
round.        Again,    the 
of    May    sees    many 
children    in    procession    in 
the    village    with    garlands 
of     gay      flowers,      among 
them     often     to     be     seen 
•  the  shy   I. In. -bell  and 
the  little  campion's  darling 
pink. 

The  I'pshirc  method  •  f 
haying  is  very  interesting. 
The  grass  is  allowed  to 
prow  until  it  i.  red 

by  the  farmer  t<>  I..-  long 
enough  to  cut.  It  i<  then 
cut,  usually  in  these  de- 
generate days  by  machine, 
nd  left  to  dry  in  the  sun  for 
a  day  or  so.  After  that  the 
haymakers  pile  it  into  the  waggons, 

•  •anii  d       to       wii  Ll 

part  of  the   field   has  cided 

upon     beforehand     by    the     fanner, 
whose  word  is  law  in   I'phhire,  and 
nude  into  a  stack.     If  the  hay  is  not 
sufficiently  dry  I  bent  is  a  chan 
combustion,    and    several    rick 
have  occurred   in  this  county   from 
time  to  time. 
Th  .or   game    of 


mean  practitioner  with  bnt  nnd  l>all. 
:   shall  I  forget   the  roar  of  ap- 
plau- 

throats    at    Middle  I    summer 

village   champion   at   last 

figures. 

Upshiro  of  course  has  its  share  of 
proverbs  and  othe:  Thus  of 

a  dninken  man  it  in  said:  "  So-and- 
so  is  half  seas  •  ould  anything 
be  m<  rially  inland? 
An  old  w<  nines  called  a 
"goody,"  children  are  "  brats."  The 
i  economic  mood  say 
i  little  to  little  and  you  get 
much  -o  that  is !  Truly 
the  proverb  is  the  wisdom  of  many 
and  the  wit  of  one. 

THE  END. 


county  is 


•  ut   in  the  winter 


the  lad»  |  is  no 

pleasanter  sight  than  an  Upahir 
lage  green,  am  on.  .  and 

ant-hill*  of  vC 

ba*  called 

who 

in    spite   of    l,.s    lament-H- 


our Reliable 

'Quite      correct,'      wrote      ! 

on    .  iMon    when    he 

was  askeil  whether  an  anecdote  that 
appeared  in  Anmrers  about  the  KINO 
was  true." — Answers. 


Ibe  Ion*  Arm  of  Coincidence. 

"  Tli.-ri  Princess  HKNIIY  st. -|.|..  d 
forward,  raised  a  bottle  of  Colonial 
wine  wreathed  in  I  that  hung 

at  the  vessel's  stern,  and  das) 
vigorously    upon   the   bows."—  Daily 


A  Chip  of  the  Old  Block. 

T      .I..|i    i-arri.-d    out    his    bat 


for 


:g  charai  ' 
Atlilrtic  \'cu-s. 


T1IF.  l:i;VOLUTION  OF  1908. 

[According  to  The   l\i  ly   Krfrfu  tlifre  it 
danger  of  a  SocUlislic  ReTolalinii  in  KngUnd.] 

l.i.sD.ix  was  in  a  state  of  turmoil. 
A  wild  mob  had  tossed  a  Knight 
(inuid  Commander  of  the  1'rimrose 
the  Trafalgar  Scpiar.'  lions. 
Frightened  peers  disguised  them- 
selves an  knife-grinders,  theatrical 
maii:i;.-i-rs.  and  put  l>o\s.  Mr.  HONAK 
I, AW  hail  lieen  decliired  an  outlaw 
ami  a  price  set  on  his  head.  Hap- 
pily Mr.  Arsii.s  CII\MHI:KI.\IS.  hav- 
ing divested  himself  of  his  eye-glass, 
was  undisroveralile  in  the  crowds. 
Five  Army  Corps  v\>n-  i"  search  of 
Ixml  Mini.!  TON  and  Mr.  ARNOLD 
F..HSTKK.  Mr.  l.r.o  M  \ 

lending  a  hunted  e\i- 
ilisguised  as  an  itinerant 
lecturer  of  the  Coh.leii 
Club.  Sir  Cill.HKKT  I'AKM.K 
had  cleverly  contrived  to 
'himself  deported  to  the 
;meiit  as  an  objection- 
able alien.  I'luler  i-over  of 
the  gown  of  a  City  Temple 
\erg.-r  Lord  BOOB  Cn'ii. 
had  eluded  the  Revolu- 
tionary ].olice.  Lord  AVK- 
IITKY,  who  had  pluekily 
emerged  from  a  safe  r.-. 
treat  to  publish  an  article 
on  "  1'roj.ortioiial  Guillotin- 
ing," Was  sei/ed  by  a 

brutal  crowd  and  cast  into 
a  cell  in  company  with  ten 
hives  of  infuriated  bees. 

But  the  interest  of  the 
dav  centred  round  White- 
hall, for  the  news  had  been 
spread  that  the  Kx- Premier 
was  to  bo  brought  to  the 
scaffold.  A  special  article 
had  appeared  in  The  Daily 
Mirror.  "  How  to  see  the 
J''.\ecution."  1'hr  Evening 
News  had  provided  plat- 
form tickets  for  all  iiiher 
Users  in  its  previous  day's  issue. 
Three-quarters  of  an  hour  after  the 
advertised  time  not  c\eii  on  this 
occasion  could  he  be  punctual — the 
•  inier  stepped  oil  to  the  scaffold. 

He  gazed  hlandlv  t)nuu;.'h  his  glasses 
at  the  infuriated  mob,  and  observed 

to    the    eXeeilti T.     "    We    IllllSt    take 

these  things  as  they  come."       The 
click  of  photographic  cameras  was  in- 
.!.      The  F\   Premier  sighed  and 
said,  "  I   feel  thoughts  arising  in  my 
mind  which  the  world  would  not  wil- 
lingly   lose.      Can    anyone    oblige    me 
with  u  half-sheet  of  note  paper'.'  " 
A  great  silence  fell  upon  the  crowd 
•v     realised     that     the     doomed 
man    was   defining   his   fiscal    position 
for  the   PJlst  time.      The  silt  nee   was 
broken    by    a   shriek   of    "  Votes    for 


ATOUST  7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


97 


Monsieur  • 


•  (the  celebrated  sculptor,  visiting  Emjlanil,  who  lias  just  lost  hia  fish).  "  Hi !   ni ! 

THE   F181I— 1   SEE   Ilia.        I  SEE   HIS   BDST  !  " 


I   HAVE   HAD   ZE   BITE -I    Bit 


Women!"  Miss  PANKHURST  leapt 
on  the  scaffold  and  declared  that 
women  had  as  much  right  to  be  guil- 
lotined as  men.  She  was  instantly 
removed  by  the  Revolutionary  police. 
By  this  time  the  Ex-Premier  had 
finished  his  writing.  The  crowd  was 
filled  with  a  mighty  awe.  At  last 
they  were  to  know !  The  executioner 
took  the  paper  and  read  aloud,  "  I 
am  in  favour  of  Protectionist  Free 
Trade,  or,  if  that  phrase  should  not 
be  sufficiently  precise,  of  Free  Trad- 
ing Protection."  A  wild  howl  of 
execration  rose  from  the  mob,  and 
the  executioner  proceeded  to  busi- 
ness. 

In  the  meantime  the  Revolu- 
tionary Cabinet  held  a  hastily  sum- 
moned meeting.  The  secret  of  Mr. 
C.  A.  PEARSON'S  hiding  place  had 
been  betrayed  by  eleven  disappointed 
Limerick  competitors.  Citizen 
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN  asked  what 
was  to  be  done  with  the  great  aristo- 
cratic leader. 


Citizen  HALDANE  concluded  a  forty 
minutes'  speech  with  the  immortal 
sentence,  "  Death  sans  phrase." 

"  Let  his  circulation  be  checked," 
remarked  Citizen  HARCOURT. 

"  Would  not  perpetual  imprison- 
ment suffice?"  asked  tender-hearted 
Citizen  BIRRELL. 

Citizen  BURNS  struck  the  table 
with  his  fist.  "Never!"  he  cried. 
"  Think  of  the  prison  reminiscences 
he  would  run  through  his  papers." 

The  blood-stained  members  of  the 
Revolutionary  Cabinet  shuddered  at 
this  awful  prospect.  When  a  vote 
was  taken,  every  hand  was  held  up 
in  favour  of  instant  execution. 

Next  morning  The  Daily  Express 
had  many  attractive  features.  It 
was  a  special  Execution  number, 
printed  on  crimson  paper.  Amongst 
its  most  striking  articles  were 
"  What  it  feels  like  to  be  Executed," 
by  the  Proprietor  of  The  Daily 
Express.  "  Why  I  like  Execu- 
tions," by  Miss  ZENA  DARE.  "  Menu 


for  a  Pre-Execution  Dinner,"  by  the 
chef  of  the  Savoy.  '  The  Smart 
Set  on  the  Scaffold,"  by  Father 
BERNARD  VAUGHAN.  "  Does  Guillo- 
tining Injure  the  Health?"  by  Dr. 
SALEF.BY;  and  photos  of  the  axe,  the 
scaffold,  the  victim's  motor-cars, 
and  his  Shanghai  offices  by  "  Illus- 
trations Limited." 

"The  Emperor  of  Russia  will  meet  the  Era- 
I-eror  William  near  Svrinemiinde,  at  the 
mouth  of  the  Odor,  tetween  the  3rd  and  4th  of 
August." — Uorniny  Post. 

Tins  midnight  meeting  is  quite  in 
the  old  style.  We  hope  they  will 
both  be  cloaked  and  masked. 

"ABODE.— Eugland  alone_  is,  of  course,  not 
an  island.  Great  Britain  is." 

Manchester  Evening  \evrn, 

IT  rather  looks  as  though  "ARGUE  " 
had  lost  his  five  shillings.  He  should 
have  been  more  careful.  They  are 
always  catching  each  other  out 
Manchester  like  that. 


1TNVH,   (>R   Till-    l.i  "NIK  IN    rllAUYAIM. 


r,  1907. 


THE    GREAT    GOLF-BALL 
QUESTION. 

Tlli 

r.AK. 
Changes 

An 

Jujube*. 

TheKRKA*  .  KEA*.    TheFttEAK. 

lor  nt  once  from  your  Grocer. 

,>le«ale  from  the  MH! 
HECTOR  M.  l.i  KKIS,  MontroM. 

IP  SHELLEY  had  been  a  golfer  ho 
would  have  used 

THE  LARK. 
Highest  trajectory  of  any  Golf  Ball 
in, the  World. 

ARSAI  n    MASSY,   the  Open  Cham- 
write*  : 

"  Hail  to  thee,  blithe  spirit, 
Bird  thou  n.-\,-r  wi-rt." 

Tli.-  I. ARK  sings  as  it  flies 
Price  St.  Qd.  the  brace.     Or  with 
cage  complete,  fix.  N,/. 
for  information  t<>  the  invi-ntc.r, 
IM..M.D    Mi  YITTIK.    Poultry,    E.C. 

dcrful  success  of 
Tin:  TCKTI.E. 

At  tin-  O|M?n  Competition  nt  Culhin 
Sands  the  winner,  runner-up,  third 
and  fifth  all  used 

THE  Tt-RTLK. 

ALF.<  Mi  PERSON,  the  Champion 
of  Alaska,  writes : 

"  There  in  more  snap  in  the  Turtle 
than  in  any  ball  I  have  ever  used." 

The  TfKTi.K  keeps  on  turning  to- 
wards the  hole. 

TCHTI.K  mocks  at  difficult 
!•••   lind   only    from    the    Maker, 
S\M.\    BOOOKHONT,    t  lub    .Miik 
'itihh  Association. 

THE    YELLOW    PRESSER. 
The   YELLOW   PRESBER  always   . 
i  a  good  lie. 
One   Halfpenny. 
Brainy  Boys  and  Girls  use 
THE    YELLOW    PRBSSER. 
lUi.cn    I'UM     (1  u.i.wr.v.    the 

•  in  An-l,. 

"The  YFI.I.OW  Putin  carries 
further  than  the  long  bow." 

from   the 
-  PRESS 

Sapphira    Chambers,    Embank; 
E.C.    

iwoon 

I    in    invalu- 


tant. 

Si  in  Illl's 
iv   Hall.      It   will 

loud] 

Hall.  snl    of    wind    niu 

1   proportions, 
uuique  flight  »•  ng  power. 

As  used  by  < 

ri-lN    AXIi     1»   I  F, 

Bents,  Peel : 

To 

THY    THH    KTSTA' 
Made  of  Pin  i-lo  Pulp. 

•\  when   hiidly  f<" 
Tin  K  goes  for  Miles. 

Mr.  KI.AI  KWIII.I.,  tho  famous  Long 
Driver,  wr 

"  I  find  it  quite  impossible  to  put 
any  heef  into  my  stroke  when  I  uso 
the  EUSTACE." 

Price  Is.  each,  or  with  a  bottle  of 
ginger-beer,  1«.  3d. 


Do  you  wish  to  be  always  dead? 

Then  use  the 
Nil,  NISI  BONl'M. 
ANDKKW   KIHKALDY  writes: 

I    iifvi-r  saw  such  a  ball  before. 
ines  down  just   like  a  poached 

8-" 

Order  nt  once  from 

ASRTON  i  COFFIN, 
The  Monument,   ! 


Nervous  and   highly-strung  players 
should  avoid  all  unnecessary  jars. 
nil'.     OLD     BKOWN     WINDSOR 

Is  the  softest  ball  in  the  market. 

TIIK   Oi.n   HKOWN    WINDSOR 
Goes  off  the  club  like  a  pat  of  butter. 

AnsAUi   MASSY,  the  Open  Cham- 
pion, wri1 

"It  is  the  favourite  ball  of  my 
daughter.  HOYLAKF  M\->v.  She 
swallowed  two  yesterday." 


Equal  to  none.     Oi.,i/., T  than  mott. 
DIN'  l.'S   M.MiNATK, 

A      high-clnss      •  •  •       |,a]| 

tf  the 'club,  but  is  not 
I'd   in   damp   \\eather. 
same  makers  also  supply:  — 
The   "  LITTLE    Kr  ."   which 

floats  in  any  fluid      !  I      perdoz. 
invisible 
...     l-j     pei 

N'  K,"   the    lar-est    Hall 
...      In  -  p.-r  do/. 
,"     an     e  \tniordinarily 
'•  •''      I  toi  'I  miaa  it. 

1  all 


••!•  ar« 

S\v.  uhy  is  t: 

pulur  n. 

• 

•  i '.' 

:   il.I.hlM;, 

Of    Jiu  n.\ui»"N.     S-iMi.i.i  i  r,     und 

l-'ind  fiction  no  longer  is  \ie! 

irn. 

All,  dead  us  the  latiKhter  if  !"•• 
Tin-  d:i\>  wln'i:  n  ll'iir,  rli-ij  ]!• 
With  s]dendour  and  spi-i-d  meteoric 
From  China  to  distant  Peru  ; 
.thors  of  stories  a: 

|  .-r  in  pulaees  tlnui 
Hut  make  insulul.i 

r  haunt. 


In  vain  does  the  i,.  all 

The  ivcou'iii>ed  tricks  of  the  t: 

The  haughty  parental  refusal, 
The  settled  resolve  of  the  maid  ; 

Our  feelings  but  feebly  are  harried 
When  lovers  asunder  are  drawn  : 

And  when  they  are  happily  ma: 
We  \a\vn. 

Had  baronets  fail  to  appal  us 
With  forgery,  murder,  and 

Street  Arabs  b  ,1  to  enthral  us 

That  prove  to  be  Duke*  ii. 

No  more  it  enchains  and  entraii 
That  talc  of  the  penniless  girl 

Who  weds,  after  sundrv  mischances, 
A::    Karl. 

our   jad 
tions 

When  justice  i-.  done  upon  crime, 
)r  Antipodean  relations 
Turn  up  at  a  ciitical  I, 
When   wills  are   unearthed   from   the 

cellar, 

Or  treasure  t  -of  the  hull ; 

All  these,  and  the  others  as  well, 

lull. 

what  is  the  probable  . 

Th:  1  slump  in  the  land  '.' 

Ooes  it  simply  depend  mi  the  h, 

Commercial  Supply  a 
-  Theology  ^rov,  ini;  in  favour'.' 

<  >r  Sciei 

ihe    populace   relish    the   savour 

of  : 

No.  'tis  not  our  abh<  :  rence  of  fiction  ; 
•iot  our  d"\otion  to  truth  ; 
I   the  excessive  addiction 
To  sport  on  t  be  part  of  our  \outh  ; 
The  reason  is  not  so  exciting 

Why  novel-  a  the  a)  --If; 

Hut  merely  (hat  ,  •..  i\,,ne  's  writing 
Himself. 


AUGUST  7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    FINAL   TEST. 

(Extracted  from  future  numlrrs  of  "  The 
Sportsman.") 

Tuesday,  August  20. — The  third  and 
last  test  match  began  yesterday  at 
the  Oval  before  n  large  attendance. 
As  our  readers  know,  it  has  been 
agreed  to  play  this  match  to  a  finish 
in  the  event  of  the  usual  three  days 
allotted  not  being  sufficient.  It  is 
as  well  that  this  is  so,  for  very  little 
play  was  practicable  yesterday.  In- 
deed, no  sooner  had  FRY  taken  guard, 
and  VOGLER  commenced  his  run  up 
to  the  wicket,  when  rain  came  down 
in  torrents,  and  play  had  to  be  aban- 
doned for  the  day.  .  .  . 

Thursday,  August  2'2. — As  we  write 
these  words  the  rain  has  ceased,  and 
there  is  every  prospect  of  a  fine  day 
to-morrow.  If  this  is  so,  the  attend- 
ance should  prove  a  record  one,  as 
the  game  has  been  left  in  a  very  in- 
teresting position.  FRY  and  HAY- 
WARD  are  in,  and  FRY  has  taken 
guard.  VOGLER  will  be  the  bowler. 

Wednesday,  August  28. — Rain, 
which  had  been  continuous  since  11 
o'clock  last  Thursday,  suddenly 
stopped  at  6.15  on  Tuesday  evening. 
The  umpires  immediately  examined 
the  pitch,  and,  to  the  intense  disap- 
pointment of  the  few  spectators  pre- 
sent, declared  that  the  wicket  was  too 
wet  for  play. 

Thursday,  August  29. — The  um- 
pires having  inspected  the  wicket 
every  half-hour  through  the  night  de- 
cided at  5  o'clock  yesterday  morning 
that  no  play  would  bo  possible  till 
next  Monday. 

Tuesday,  September  17. — Thanks 
to  the  enterprise  of  The  Sportsman 
the  public  has  been  kept  informed  of 
the  progress  of  the  third  test  match. 
The  score  yesterday  stood  at  3  for  1, 
FRY  having  been  bowled  by  SCHWARZ 
exactly  a  fortnight  ago.  Yesterday 
afternoon  play  was  again  possible  for 
a  few  minutes,  thanks  to  the  influ- 
ence of  a  drying  wind.  In  that  short 
time  some  exciting  cricket  transpired, 
HAYWARD  being  stumped  by  SHER- 
WELL  off  FAULKNER,  and  TYLDESLEY 
caught  off  a  no-ball.  Score  4  for  2. 

Saturday,  September  28. — A  dis- 
graceful incident  took  place  yester- 
day. There  had  been  no  rain  for  a 
week  (to  account  for  which  various 
theories  have  been  put  forward  by  sci- 
entists), but  the  umpires  inspected 
the  wicket  at  12  o'clock,  and  de- 
cided that  no  play  would  be  possible 
for  five  minutes.  Although  the  um- 
pires are  the  sole  judges  of  such 
matters,  the  crowd  immediately 
began  to  dig  up  the  pitch.  He  was 
removed  in  custody. 

Thursday,  October  24.       With  the 


'  GOOD  NIGHT,  MR.  GARGOYLE,  so  GOOD  OF  von  TO  SEE  HE  IIOME.' 

'OH,  NOT  AT  ALL.      I'VE   ENJOYED   MYSELF  QUITS  AS  MUCH  AS  YOU   HAVE,  I   ASSURE   YOU 


idea  of  snatching  a  victory  before 
Christmas,  FOSTER  has  declared  his 
innings  closed  at  15  for  3,  and  when 
weather  permits  the  South  Africans 
will  begin  their  venture.  Meanwhile 
they  have  joined  the  Amateur  Foot- 
ball Association. 

Wednesday,  November  20. — An  ex- 
traordinary occurrence,  unique  in  the 
annals  of  cricket,  transpired  yester- 
day. Only  one  over  was  possible, 
and  off  the  last  ball  SHERWELL  was 
caught.  He  immediately  declared 
the  innings  closed,  the  score  being 
0  for  1.  It  appears  that  many  of  the 
team  have  businesses  or  families  at 
home  in  South  Africa,  and  they  wish 
to  finish  the  match  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible. This  is  all  very  well,  but  is  it 
cricket?  The  decision  having  been 
made  to  play  the  match  to  a  finish, 


both  sides  should  endeavour  to  abide 
by  that  arrangement. 

Wednesday,  December  25. — Pos- 
sessing the  useful  lead  of  15,  FRY  and 
HAYWARD  started  England's  second 
innings  to-day  before  a  small  but  re- 
presentative company  ("  Wanderer  " 
of  the  Sportsman).  A  surprise,  how- 
ever, was  in  store,  for  when  the  um- 
pire had  called  "  play  "  it  was  seen 
that  there  was  no  South  African  in 
the  field.  It  eventually  transpired  that 
they  had  left  secretly  for  the  Cape 
exactly  a  month  ago.  Accordingly 
the  rule  which  decrees  that  the  side 
refusing  to  play  shall  lose  the  match 
came  into  force,  and  England  was 
declared  the  winner  of  a  keenly-con- 
tested game.  After  this,  the  detrac- 
tors of  the  Selection  Committee  will 
have  to  hide  their  heads. 


I'fNi'H.   "U   'I  UK    I.nNlmX   CHARIVARI. 


1007. 


. 


Admiring  t'nttul  Jo  Uomitid  Infantry  recruit  on  Iht  vay  to  annual  training).  "SAT,  BILL,  uow  DO  YOU  DIBMOCKT?" 

ii.  TIMT  rotmov,  ruc«  TTI«  'AXD  on  TUB—       WELL,  I  COULD  TELL  roc  ALL  THE  MOVEMEKTS ;   BIT  AS  A  ICLE  I  ; 


RURAL    ENGLAND. 
As  mat  FROM  A  RAILWAY  CARRIAGE. 

[The  following  line*  gain  poignancy  from  the  announcement  th.il  the 
oooaidantioa  ol  the  Lord*'  ameudroeuU  to  the  Advrrtiaemeuta  liopila- 
ii  .n    Hill,  which  bad  |ai.-o-l  iia  Third  Heading  by  an  overn: 
najority  and  fOM  through  the  Upper  House  without  a  division,  ha» 
Lma  dkrtually  blorkr.1  l.y  Sir  Frederick  itanlmry  off  hi*  own  . 

nJwa,  therefore,  the  (iorernment  takea  it  up  w  a  non-party  Bill, 
it  baa  loat  it*  final  chance  of  paning  thin  trmioii.] 

THE  sky  is  blue,  with  clouds  of  fleecy  white, 

And  blue  the  distant  hills ; 
A  lonely  road  winds  on  till  lost  to  sight ; 

How  fair  the  prospect !  Ah,  how—  SCREECH  AH  's  PILLS 

The  summer  sunshine  pours  its  golden  flood 

field  and  cottage  roof, 
On  village  spire— CLARK'S  TABLOIDS  TOR  THE  BLOOD— 

leafy  hedge— SMITH'S  SAFES  ARE  BURGLAR  PROOF. 

Bee  yon  grey  ruin?    Ah,  when  knights  were  bold, 

In  stirring  times  far  off, 
What  gallant  shows  it  witnessed— DON'T  LOOK  OLD— 

Of  tournament  and  revel — STOP  THAT  Cocoa. 

The  kinc  are  grazing  in  the  meadows  fair, 

And  birds  in  chorus  sing, 
All  nature  stems— You  WAKT  TO  KEEP  TOUR  HAIH? 

Aglow  with    TKKHOLEXE  'g  THB  OKI 

I  'II  look  no  more,  my  heart  is  sore  and  sad 

To  see  sweet  rural  so- 
Invaded  by  the  huge  and  blatant  Ad. 

11  WTit  '.  I  'II— TRT  OCR  LIVER  BEASI 


"THE   CRY   OF   THE    RUSSIAN    CHILDREN." 

DB.  KKNSARD  writwi  from  Samara,  July  22nd  and  2.%th.  Baying  that 
2,000  children  were  being  fed  daily  at  thi-   "  I'uiicli 
m--.il  in  th>-  middle  of  trio  day  and  a  i 
\iitru.it  Mth,  with  the  coming  of  the  harvi-.-- 

•  cloned,  a  few  being  ami    k--|-r   »|n-u   in   placen  v> 
;>tionaL      "The   relief   affonli-d."   In-   ».  l>--tn   imr 

and   Kuuin  ha»  causa    to  fi-«-l   thi-   ilcojiest   gratitu<l>-  to  tin-  '  1'um-h ' 
•ubucriben." 

In  announcing  that  th-  Knml  i.-.  n- 
with  a  necund,  and  hnal,  l.i-t  of  C.-ntri'- 
thank  his  reader*  very  heartily  f.-r  tln-ir  generous  rm|Min<H-  : 

Mr  «n4  Mr*,  n.  n.  J«-k«n.  f»;  Un  M.  Bfepm 
"    'Ulla    * 


I  UM.nl 

SSfeTLKyKQ 

1 


: 


ii  ,   Mrt. 


Amount  acknowltd(«d  above          430  13    8 

..  ..  ..        June  6.  1007  738  16     7 

Total  Amount  of  Contribution!    ..  £1,173  10    » 


TTXCII,   OR  TUF.    I.OXUOX    CilAKIYAIM.  -Arr.rsT  7,  1907. 


AGAINST    TIME. 

Little  Billies  (in  the  distance).  "  ffl !    HE !     WHAT  ABOUT  US  ?  " 

C.-B.  (bathing  man}.  '"TAINT  A  BIT  0'  USE   'OLLERIN'.    ME  AN'  THE  OLD  'ORSE  WE'RE  DODT 
ALL  WE  KNOW!" 


AUGUST  7,  1907.J 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


103 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Cinniiinnfs,  .A/oiu/i;;/,  July 
29. — Always  pleasant  to  have  the 
SPEAKER  joining  in  conversation 
at  Question  time.  His  remarks, 
though  brief,  are  pointed,  flashing 
little  gleams  of  humour  on  dark 
places.  Only  wish  he  would  drop  in 
more  frequently.  This  afternoon  he 
made  occasion  for  three  contributions 
I  to  disorderly  debate. 

First  in  connection  with  BELLAIRS, 
that  Note  of  Interrogation  attached 
uninvited  to  the  Admiralty.  Always 
wanting  to  know  something  incon 
venient  or  undesirable.  His  manner 
of  putting  a  question  is  the  nearest 
approach  known  in  this  country  to 
that  of  the  Judge  in  a  criminal  court 
in  Belgium  or  France.  In  tone  and 
manner  assumes  that  the  Civil  Lord 
is  guilty  of  particular  charge  brought 
against  him,  and  even  more.  That  he 
feloniously  did  to  death  his  mother- 
in-law  goes  without  saying.  There 
is  another,  a  blood  relation,  whose 
disappearance  from  her  home  eight 
days  ago  is  a  mystery  'twere  well  to 
have  cleared  up.  Mr.  BELLAIRS  may 
return  to  the  subject. 

Meanwhile  wanted  to  know  why  in 
a  certain  case  court-martial  had 
not  been  held  upon  officer  in  com- 
mand of  ship  lost  in  Mediterranean? 
Up  gat  DALZIKI,  with  supplementary 
question,  hinting  at  BELLAIRS  him- 
self whilst  on  active  service  meeting 
with  kindred  misfortune  and  being 
dealt  with  by  authorities  in  similar 
way.  BELLAIRS  demanded  that  the 
insinuation  convoyed  in  the  question 
should  be  specifically  stated.  Ever 


INJCRED  INNOCENCE. 

'  It  is  regrettable  the  hon.  Rentlemnn  cannot 
restrain  his  exhibitions."— Mr.  I'ulfour. 


(Mr.  Sw-ft  M-cN-11.) 


SrOILIKO   FOR   i   FlOMT. 

"This  is  really  becoming  a  duel  between  the  hon.  Members." — Mr.  Speaker. 
(Mr.  D-lz-1  aud  Mr.  C-rly-n  B-ll-rs.) 


ready  to  oblige,  DALZIEL  on  his  legs 
like  a  shot. 

"  The  insinuation  I  wish  to  make 
is  this — "  he  said.  The  crowded 
House  drew  itself  together  in  antici- 
pation of  a  nice  little  bit  of  scandal. 

It  was  here  the  SPEAKER  inter- 
posed. 

"This,"  he  remarked,  "is  really 
becoming  a  duel  between  the  hon. 
Members." 

Second  interruption  led  up  to  by 
HENRY  CRAIK.  In  form  of  supple- 
mentary question,  he  submitted 
masterly  summary  of  intricate  point 
in  Education  Act  of  1870.  "  Having 
now—  '  he  continued,  feeling  that 
he  had  cleared  the  ground  and  might 
erect  upon  it  a  suitable  edifice.  But 
the  SPEAKER  was  straightway  down 
on  him. 

"  The  hon.  Member,"  he  said,  "  is 
xceeding  the  limits  of  a  question." 

CRAIK  in  direr  plight  than  "  Cam- 
buscan  bold  "  who  left  his  story  half 
untold.  Had,  so  to  speak,  only 
taken  off  his  coat  as  preliminary  to 
stating  his  case,  when  he  was  shut 
up. 

SWIFT  MACNEILL  the  third  suf- 
ferer. Vigorously  thumped  out  brief 
ssay  on  constitutional  relations  be- 
tween Lords  and  Commons  in  respect 
of  money  vote.  Just  beginning  to 
enlarge  on  precedents  when  guillo- 
tine fell.  Kuling  passion  strong  in 
leath.  As  the  head  fell  into  the 
aasket  it  was  observed  to  turn 
towards  the  Chair  and  say:  "Then 
may  I  address  the  question  to  you, 
Sir''  " 

"  I    have    no    control    over    the 


House  of  Lords,"  grimly  answered 
the  SPEAKER.  Silence  and  night  fell 
over  the  scene. 

Business  done. — Report  stage  of 
Evicted  Tenants  Bill  carried. 

Tuesday. — Having  adjourned  at  a 
quarter-past  seven  this  morning, 
House  resumed  business  at  a  quarter 
to  three  this  afternoon  with  the  pros- 
pect of  sitting  far  into  the  night.  It 
was  the  lawyers  who  kept  the  ball  a- 
rolling  through  the  all-night  sitting. 
Wonderful  to  what  length  exception- 
ally respectable  people  will  go  when 
once  they  stray. 

Business  allotted  for  last  night  was 
Committee  stage  of  Court  of  Criminal 
Appeal  Bill.  Arrangements  specially 
made  to  bring  it  on  at  hour  when 
what  DIZZY  used  to  call  the  gentle- 
men of  the  long  robe  were  at  liberty. 
Just  before  midnight  it  was  reached. 
No  political  issue  at  stake.  A  plain 
business  question  ;  had  it  been  argued 
in  chambers  or  at  Nisi  Prius,  under 
arrangement  of  no  refreshers,  would 
have  been  disposed  of  in  a  couple  of 
hours.  As  it  was,  learned  gentlemen 
resolved  to  make  a  night  of  it.  Not 
unusual  for  Irish  Members  to  have 
all-night  sittings.  Labour  .Members 
have  also  indulged  in  luxury.  Why 
should  one  of  the  most  ancient  and 
learned  professions  lag  behind  ?  So 
they  fell  to  and  gravely  discussed 
such  conundrums  as  Whether  a  man, 
acquitted  on  tho  major  charge  of 
murder  and  convicted  on  the  minor 
charge  of  manslaughter,  might,  on 
appeal,  be  convicted  of  the  major 
offence? 

Perhaps  if  MARK  LOCKWOOD,  K.C., 


104 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Atr.t-sT  7,  1907. 


had    stayed    away   the    performance 
would  have  closed  earlier.       It  was 
from  first  to  last  dreary  >• 
Irani.  itnd  lean 

yawning  through  their  third  or  fourth 
address  to  the  jury,  automatically  ad 
justed  imperceptible  wigs,  fretfully 
nulled  over  right  or  left  shoulder  in- 
visible gowns.  One  actually  went  to 
sleep  whilst  on  his  legs,  hurriedly  ex- 
plaining on  being  wakened  that  he 
was  thinking."  Committee  saw 
through  the  ruse,  and  learned  ft 
on  the  other  side  envied  him  the  re- 
freshment. 

•  UK  LOCKWOOD,  who  had  been 
dining  st  a  vegetarian  establish 
near  l^icester  Square,  brought  down 
with  him  his  portion  of  dessert  in 
shape  of  pink  carnation  planted  out 
in  button-hoi.  i  on  Front  Op- 

position Bench,  with  hat  at  perilous 
angle  on  the  back  of  his  head,  he  suf- 
fused an  atmosphere  of  succulent 
carrot  soup,  generous  cabbage,  and  a 
compound  of  nuts,  orange-peel,  and 
the  white  of  egg,  cunningly  made  up 
in  semblance  of  a  boiled  ham,  the 
choice  repast  washed  down  w  ith  bum- 
pers of  ginger-beer.  Whenever  de- 
bat*,  drooping  the  eighth  of  an  inch, 
was  about  to  die  of  inanition,  he  got 
up  and  moved  the  adjournment. 

There  followed  a  division,  with  de- 
signed effect  of  waking  up  the  Court 
and  bringing  the  Bnr  back  ready  for 
another  tap  of  a  loveless  hour.  Sur- 
veying the  scene  from  corner  of  other 
wise  deserted  Opposition  Bench 
LOCK  WOOD.  K.C.,  at  psychologies 
moment  again  moved  adjournment 
And  so  the  summer  dawn,  rising  ai 
its  usual  hour,  looked  down  on  jadcc 
assembly  with  not  a  marked  brie 
among  them.  Nevertheless,  even  ii 
the  last  division,  taken  soon  after 
seven  o'clock  boomed  from  Big  Ken 
there  was  a  muster  of  128. 

liutinen  done. — At  this  evening's 
idget  Bill  read  a  third  time 
£50,000  voted  to  I»rd  CROMKR. 

Friday.— The   MKVUF.R   FOR   RARK 
fresh  from  circumnavigating  Irelan 
on  the  biggest  steamer  afloat,  brings 
into   Smoking-room   interesting   Bug 
motion.  Jons  BROWN'S  body,  as  lyn 
history  relates,  is  a-mould-  nng  in  th 
ground.     On   the   other   hand 
BROWX  AKD  Co.  have  just  com, 
the  building   and   launching  of   th 
great  Cunarder,  I.viilaniii.     With  th 
object  of  illustrating  the  proportion 
of    the    mammoth    liner,    they    hav 
their  artist  a  free  hand.   He  has 
drawn  to  scale  the  ship  in  contac 
with    various   well-known    buildings 
example,  its  outline  in  skctchec 
behind   a   model   of   the   Capitol    a 
Washington,  whose  full  length  it  fa 
exeeeds.     Another  picture  shows 


NAJWETTI  or  "Hii  lluiflVi  FOOT." 
It  comet  oat  that  the  Lord  Mayor  of  Dublin 
rrrrivn    pay    yearly    M   a    Captain    in    Ills 
lajeaty's  Army. 

dwarfing  the  Great  Pyramid.  A 
bird  contrasts  it  with  the  combined 
>uildings  of  St.  Peter's  and  the 

Vatican  at  Rome,  of  which  it  makes 

naught. 

Where  the  interest  of  SARK'S  idea 

comes  in  is  the  proposal  to  moor  the 
r.uiitanid  off  the  Terrace  of  the 
House.  He  has  the  picture  show' 
ng  how  the  thing  would  work.  For- 
tunately the  length  of  the  Terrace 
just  fits  the  keel  of  the  steamer.  Its 
height  is  so  great  that  the  promenade 
dock  obscures  view  from  the  river  ol 
anything  save  the  turrets  and  towers 
<(  Westminster  Palace. 

But  we  can't  have  everything.  Yet 
the  idea  would  be  as  popular  as  it  is 
novel.     There  is,  when  we  come  to 
think  about  it,  a  certain  flatness  in 
the  plan  of  the  Terrace  that  becomes 
U>ring  at  the  end  of  a  long  Session 
The  tiers  of  the   Lu«i(ania's  decks 
rising  from   the   water  level   to  thi 
promenade,     opening     on     spaciou 
dining  -  rooms,     lounges,     smoking 
rooms,  libraries,  each  served  by  an 
electric  lift,   would  remove  that  re 
proacli. 

It  is,  of  course,  too  late  to  carr, 
out  the  proposal  in  what  is  left  o 
the  Session.  Next  year  we  shall  loo 
out  for  realisation  of  a  scheme  tha 
will  add  a  new  joy  to  life  at  West 
minster. 

Bu$incn  done. — Evicted  Tenant 
Hill  read  a  third  time. 


Garden  Votes. 

reoos  four-foot*! 
Leedai  «aa  about  sixty  fret  long. 


"TV  Iwrbareoos  four-foot*!  reptile  Cctio 
t  long." 


.IrsT  the  little  chap  for  the  south 
border. 


CORRESPONDED 

U  ith  acknoiilttl'jmenl*  la  "  The  Sportrman") 
I 'i  MI  MR.   lYsrii.      I  am  "ne  of  n 
imily  of  eleven  sons,  \\hii-h  is  a  most 
nieiit  number,  nt>  we  just  eoni- 
rise  a  .Ticket  teiiin.      In  the  first  in- 
ings  we  go  in  to  luit  in  the  order  in 
vhidi    we    were    born;     but    in    tin- 
.•cond  innings  tin-  order  is  re\> 
,    ho\\e\iT.    am    No.    0,    so    that    I 
I  way*  go  in  in  the  same  nlnco,  al- 
hough  now  and  again,  while  1  :ind  "• 
who   are   twins!    are   disputing   us    to 
vhieh   of   thmi    has    the    two-minute 
eniority,  I  slip  in  as  early  as  second 
vicket.     I  give  you  this  little  pi 
autobiography,  not   because   it    l»-»rs 
at  all  on  the  subject  of  which  I  wish 
o  treat,  but  as  some  evidence  of  my 
nterest  in  the  grand  old  game  and  of 
my  qualifications  for  writing  upon  it. 
'low,  as  to  the  burning  question  of 
ihe  hour,   "  Are  Cricket  Crowds  as 
Slack  as  they  are  Painted?"     Per- 
sonally 1  think  that  the  propounders 
of  this  prolilem  arc  themselves  beg- 
ging the  question.     What  1  would  ask 
s,  Are  cricket  crowds  painted  '     Set- 
ting   aside    those    who    attend    tin- 
Society    matches    at   Lord's — is    tin- 
normal  cricket  crowd  painted  '     Cer- 
tainly none  has  been   with   which    I 
have  come  into  contact.     Therefore 
the  question  of  their  blackness  (whieh 
would,  if  existent,  possibly  n  fleet  the 
batsman's  and  the  fieldsman's  line  of 
vision)  need  not,  for  the  present,  ho 
discussed. 

But,  apart  from  the  recent  demon- 
stration at  Lord's — and  may  I  say,  in 
passing,  that  surely  600  people 
paying  sixpence,  have  n  right  to  at 
least  one  heel-mark  on  the  piTeh  be- 
tween them? — is  there  not  u  distinct 
trend  in  the  direction  of  better  things 
noticeable  in  the  spectators  of  to  day  '.' 
Only  a  little  while  ago  'I' lie  Sportsman 
spoke  of  "  a  large  snti-lUDoheoa 
crowd  "  nt  Bristol.  This  striving 
after  the  simpler  life  is  home  out  by 
the  Ktill  more  recent  testimony  of 
The  Trilnnir.  which  states  that  at 
Maidstone  "  the  crowd's  fi<j\irr-cul- 
lurr  was  shown  by  the  way  it  up- 
phmded  SKYMofit,  when  he  complete,! 
his  thousand  aggregate  for  the 
season." 

I  enclose  my  card,  but  sign  myself, 

UNfS   I!X    I'S-DKI  IM. 

You  would  bo  glad,   I   am  sure,   to 

the    family's    selection    for    the 

Final  'u,  but  modesty  forbids. 


"  The  •eriousncM  of  the  bowls  piv 
Ol'liX  ran  be  R.'illiored  from  tlio  fact  lli:il  l.<- 
batted  n  hundred  minuted,  and  left  tlio  bowler* 
ouly  one  end  to  work  at."-  Sunday  Chronicle. 

IF  this  is  the  last  line  of  a  Lime- 
rick, it  is  a  very  bad  one. 


AUGUST  7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


105 


•'«* 


ORIQC,t         ON     TH«     STtAM 
YACHT     *  D^    JOHNSON, 
KINDLX      LSNT       81     Tt»t 
U.C.C.     (5*     ALi    THE     ~*v 


rm      ^  « 
/     * 

MISS   JEMIMA      ftNN      BLOBS       ON    NER 

FAVOURITE  HACK  ,-TVKIN<;   HER; 
ANNUAL  PENNY  WORTH    ON     ttAI^PSTE  AO 
H6/\TH. 


£NRY  AWKINS  E"  TOOLING 

A  PA.KTY   Of   fKIEItOS 
LIOWN  To  EPSOM  IN  HIS 
WELL  KNOWN 

TURIN-OUT. 


NOTING  THE  PRESENT   FASHION,    IN   VOGUE   AIIONO   SOCIETY  AND  STAGE   CELEBRITIES,  OF   BEING   PHOTOGRAPHED  ON  THEIR   MOTOR  TARS, 

FAVOURITE   HORSES,   ETC.,    MR.    PUNCH    BEOS  TO   SUBMIT  THE    ABOVE   SUGGESTIONS    FOB    TUB    DEVELOPMENT    OF    TUB     IDEA,   SO    AS    TO    EMBKirE    A 
LARGER  PUBLIC. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

REVIEWING  THE  SEASON. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — Looking  back 
on  the  departed  season,  I  really  think 
[  've  some  excuse  for  putting  on 
frills.  Myself,  my  parties,  my 
Causes,  fads,  frocks,  and  everything 
that  is  mine,  have  been  more 
photo'd,  paragraphed,  and  preached 
about  than  anyone  or  anyone's. 
And  of  all  my  triumphs,  my 
dear,  I  think  I  'm  proudest  of  having 
had  King  BATTIBASH  to  dinner.  Ours 
was  absolutely  the  only  private  house 
he  dined  at;  and  I  do  think  it  's  by 
way  of  being  a  tour-dc-force  to  have 


everything  exactly  as  he  "a  accus- 
tomed to  have  it,  for  a  King  who  has 
his  dinner  laid  on  the  floor  and  eats 
it  with  a  long  stick;  also  to  provide 
just  the  music  he  likes,  by  setting  a 
number  of  the  servants  to  beat  big 
(in  basins  and  blow  whistles.  Before 
he  left,  his  interpreter  told  us  that 
his  Majesty  had  never  enjoyed  him- 
self so  much  since  he  was  civilized; 
and  when  he  suggested  in  dumb  show 
that  I  should  go  back  with  him  to 
Battibashikana  it  was  only  his  South 
Pacific  way  of  thanking  us  and  say- 
ing Good-bye.  So  absurd  of  JOSIAH 
(o  say  he  felt  like  kicking  him  out  of 
the  window !  There  's  been  a  good 
deal  of  talk  too  about  my  Go-as-you- 


please  dinners — no  precedence  or 
taking  in,  you  know,  but,  as  soon  as 
dinner's  announced,  a  race  for  the 
dining-room  and  a  scramble  for  seats 
— later  on,  a  grape-throwing  sweep- 
stake, in  which  whoever  gets  home 
oftencst  (that  is,  throws  a  grape  right 
into  someone  else's  mouth)  takes  the 
pool. 

I  was  nearly  made  a  widow  by 
this  little  sport.  Just  as  Josun  was 
laughing  at  one  of  his  own  jokes, 
WEE-\VEE  threw  a  grape  such  a  long 
way  down  his  throat  that  he  had  a 
narrow  squeak  for  it. 

HILDEGARDE  has  made  quite  a 
little  success  as  a  debutante.  I  've 
been  a  model  elder  sister,  and  have 


: 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK    l.nNDON  CHAUIVAUI. 


7.   MM>7. 


M«n  to  her  frock*. 

t|}d    fuSSY    SS    if    KI 


:  n  for  her.    Hut 

limit 


[or  years.       K  a 


•    •  .ppi;.-d  |,y   I  U.I.U.KKIK 

•  .  for  thf  ii*.-  of  people 
\\itli    Came*.      My    •  .'as    very 


_        _ 
anied  to  run  blinke're,    time    i   saw   her   was   at    u   squash  at    carefully  thought  .,ut      ash-grey  ohif- 

kmamian    House.      sin-    called   (on  (the  new  shade  called  "  It  might 


,    .       tted  from  tl     ;    "••--      •  •--    thi   r     n    •••  ;  •   '     tn«  •  i  l.-r  ••••• 


indeed.  OLOA  1  -  m--  the  little. 

.*.  I  'll-blush-if-you-speak  ' 
ng  frock  U  only  in  demand  now 
among  dowagers.     Talking  of  dowa- 
jers,  what  ao  y<>u  think 
Lady  RANSOATK'S  last  prank?     She 
"moling  through  some  outlandish 


Hi'Mi'i  i  M  \M  u's  I  •!  t.-a  tin-  next  after- 
f..rgot    to   remember, 
and  never  turned  up. 

Thin  Reason  has  been  a  dismal 
failure  for  Aunt  lloi.i.n:.  The  Slow 
Set  looks  shy  at  her  since  she  mar- 
'.oun.  and  she  can't  play  nj>  to 


____          _____  r  ____  the  lively  ones,  so  there  she  is'     H.  r 

place,   and"  has   \  hail    tlie   parti.  •-  ha  >-<tgHy  dullest,  and 


been  ")    over    (,'r. 

chip    picture    hat    with    long  ostrich 

plumes    to   mated,    sli.  -.-loves 

en      suite.        'J'he      whole  n 

ueli    far                  i    from  you,  I 

plead     sour    t'hn:                The  |  • 
touchi's  (.f  Socialist  colour  v. 


by  a 


x- 


luck    to    be    captured    by 
that   darling    !  the 

Famous  brigand.  He  de- 
mands an  immcntf  ran- 
som for  her;  but  Ix>rd 
UAMSGATK  says  his  mother 
Jot  captured  on  purpose 
mill  he  won't  pay  anything, 
already  over 

this  horrid  Compensation- 
rvants  affair.  My 
maid,  YVONNE,  helped 
herself  to  one  of  my  even- 
ing frocks  whilst  I  was  out, 
and  went  to  a  five-shilling 
ball  in  it.  She  caught  a 
frightful  cold.  When  she 
gets  well  sin-  says  she  will 
sue  me  for  heavy  damages, 
as  my  pink  tulle-de-soie 
thinner  than  any  of  her 
own  evening  dresses. 

You  ask  what  expression 
of    face    has    been    most 
popular    this    season?       I 
should      say,      a      slightly 
puzzled  look,  with  the  lips 
parted     in     a     half-smile. 
The  baby -stare  is  quite  out, 
and    wide    smiles    are   dis- 
tinctly d,  mode*.    A  small, 
tired  smile  is  always  c< 
as  the  season   wanes.     Of 
course,    I   speak   of   those 
who  dare  to  have  any  ex- 
pression at  all.     There  are 
lots    of    women     (not    so 
young  as  they   would   like 
to    be)     who    simply     banish     both 
joy   and  sorrow   for  fear  of  what  a 
poet   would    call    "  Lines  on   a    fair 
face."     It '»  no  use  bestowing  any 
' 


sage  nn.l   a  collar  •  t  eahoi-hoti  I 

I  i  i.iiows,   tin-    l;.(l   Hungarian 
1'rii  f  hi-,  fiery 

addresses  in  lr-  ijueer  i 
lish,  and  then   I   -ai.l  a  few 
I   told  them  to  in- 
>i>t  on  liav  inn  their  r.. 
.•n    hnvn 

•    foo<l,   to 

di-malid        lietti-r        c'.othwS. 
'   "   yelled 

out     a     fearful    girl     in     an 
apron.         '  'And  over  that 
.M.I   feathers  then,   will 
1    do   with    it 
line."      And    there    •. 
roar  of  laiiL'hi 

I  'II    never    address    the 
ereal  ures  nyniii.   On  v  Ti  i. 

linWS,     seen     l>y    good    day- 

light, has  knock-knee-.  1 
find,  and  his  :.'t  so 

handsome  as  I  thought 
they  were.  Almost  I  think 
I  've  done  with  Socialism, 
and  shall  drop  The  People 
as  a  C: 

Thine  own, 

BLAKOHX. 


"  THE  SOLID   EARTH   WIIEREOX   WE  TREAD 
111  TRACTS   or   fLl-EXT   HEAT   BEUAX, 

ADD  GREW   TO  SEEMIXU-IAXDOH   fORMS, 

THE  sEniixa  mET  or  <  i.  i.ie  HTUUIS, 

TlLL  AT  THE   I.AKT   A  ROM     nil     MAN ;." 

In  Mrmoriam,  <  XMII. 


KOHTY'S  set  never  goes   near  them. 
She  's  shut  up  her  town   house  now 


MUSICAL  No  IKS. 

WITH     the     end     of     the 
opera    ai  ason 

Mini      play.-rs     are 
•lie  four  \Miids 
of    h  ine    on    plea- 

sure bent,  others  in  the  ful- 
filment of  their  profes- 
sional engagements.  In 


and 


down   r  i 


hear  she  's  taking  or^an  lessorm  at  a 


of  one's  little   funnimcnU   on    •  Jlage  church,   which,  you   may   be 

'".      The  y    lii-ve  inc.  my  dear,  is  a   very  m-rinuf 

asp*-  irrnur,  scarcely  n  _-n   with   any  one.      My  observation 

their    lip*.    "My    dear.    I    wi-h    you    ,,f  lif,  :          >. at  when  you 

of  any  on.-  tal.m-  or^in  Ictsont 
you   i:  ther  a  > 


. 

wouldn't  U-ll  i:  like  tint' 

beauty-doctor  absolutely   forbids  me 


this  context  we  are 


to  note  that 


the     annual     Boilermakers'      Profes- 
sional  Sports  were   held   at    Harry  on 

the    'Jllth    lilt,    with    "re  at    success,    the 

entries,    which    numbered   about    •.!.">!>, 
including   several    from    Musselburgh. 

Advices  from  the  Solon,  on   Islands 

urious   ineiili-nt    ilurinj,'   tin- 

visit    of    Madame    t  i.vuir.n,    KKNVVH, 


wears  the  face   most   torn'  that    vim-thing  i-  i/xifr   wn  Mr.  BKBTIK  JOT,  who  are  making 

frightfully." 

I     hear 
a  burst  up  at    the 


been    a    bit    of 

Tin-ri  i  I.UWXH'. 


I  've    thought    things    •  kini; 

fishy   there   f.,r  s<  • 

•H  's  been  distinctly  catty  ' 


vv  ith  the  works,  oi 

!ul  failure  socially.     I  spoke 


nt  a  Socialist  meeting  the  other  day. 

:  '      •    . 

f  with  one  of  the  disin-    s  u-!i      a 


i.   farewell   tour  in   the   South    Pacific 
previous    to    their    usual    autumn    ap- 


at  the  principal  provincial 
ils.        Tin     inhabitants    of    tho 
wrought   up  to 
pi;<'h    if    enthusiasm     by 


AUGUST  7,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


107 


Madame  KKNWIG'S  superb  declama- 
tion of  Home,  Xit-rrt  Home  that  they 
very  nearly  made  a  holocaust  of  Mr. 
BERTIE  JOY  as  a  compliment  to  his 
talented  spouse.  The  safe  arrival 
of  the  gifted  artists  at  Honolulu, 
where  a  special  Jamboree  was  or- 
ganised in  their  honour,  has  since 
Leen  reported. 


The  prospectus  of  Messrs.  PINK 
SABLE,  the  famous  conceit 
agents,  contains  several  announce- 
ments of  more  than  usual  interest. 
We  may  specially  note  the  concert  to 
be  given  in  the  Albert  Hall  in  Octo- 
ber, at  which  the  artists  will,  without 
exception,  consist  of  the  parents  of 
well-recognised  prodigies.  What  lends 
its  unique  attractiveness  to  the  pro- 
gramme is  the  fact  that  several  of  the 
performers  have  no  musical  ear  what- 
ever, and  Herr  SIGISMVXD  BURBKL- 
IIEIMEH,  father  of  tho  illustrious  'cel- 
list, has  for  the  last  three  years  been 
completely  deaf  and  dumb.  In  these 
circumstances,  all  must  admit  that 
Messrs.  PINK  AND  SABLE  deserve  the 
greatest  credit  for  their  originality 
and  enterprise  in  catering  for  the  re- 
quirejnents  of  the  enlightened  public. 


The  abolition  of  the  House  of 
Lords  will,  it  is  predicted  by  a  well- 
known  expert,  lead  to  a  considerable 
influx  of  titled  amateurs  into  the 
ranks  of  the  profession.  Lord  TAN- 
KEKVILLE  has  long  been  distinguished 
as  a  singer  throughout  both  hemi- 
spheres, but  it  is  not  generally  known 
what  an  exquisite  touch  on  the 
pianola  Lord  CREWE  has,  or  what 
seraphic  tones  the  Duke  of  ARGYLL 
can  elicit  from  the  small-pipes.  The 
Duke  of  TIKE,  curiously  enough,  is 
not  addicted  to  the  piccolo,  but  is  a 
fine  performer  on  the  gong. 


TO  PROTECT  EMPLOYERS. 

"  WHAT  is  really  wanted,"  said  the 
man  who  knows  everything,  "is  a 
society  to  insure  employers  against 
servants." 

Breakages,  you  mean?  " 

"  No,  not  breakages.  Servants 
themselves.  A  society  to  undertake 
for  a  small  sum  of  money  to  rid  one  of 
the  servants  that  one  does  not  like, 
but  has  not  the  courage  to  dismiss." 

"  You  mean  to  give  notice,  and  so 
forth?  " 

'  Yes,  and  not  only  to  give  notice, 
but  to  make  them  leave  at  once,  and, 
if  possible,  supply  their  place  with 
nice  ones.  That  is  what  is  wanted. 
Everything  is  done  for  servants  now- 
adays, but  something  ought  to  be 
done  for  employers.  I  believe  there 
is  a  fortune  awaiting  some  strong- 


Denecolent  Old  Gent.  "  DON'T  TOO  FIND  A  SAILOR'S  LIFE  A  VF.BT  DANOEHOCS  ONE  ?  " 
Old  Salt.  "On  TUB,  SIR;   BUT  FORTUNATELY  IT  AIN'T  OFTEN  WE  OITS  INTO  PORT." 


minded  woman  who  would  make  it 
her  business  to  give  the  servants 
notice  in  timid  families." 

"  But  do  you  think  then  that  many 
persons  are  afraid  of  their  servants?  " 

'Many?     All." 

'  Nonsense !  " 

"  I  assure  you  it  is  so.  Society  is 
held  together  by  fear,  and  fear  begins 
at  home.  We  are  all  afraid  of  some- 
one, and  everyone  is  afraid  of  ser- 
vants." 

"  Then  everyone  would  need  to 
join  the  society?  " 

"  No,  it  would  cater  for  the  really 
bad  cases.  I  was  staying  in  a  house 
in  Juno  this  year.  You  remember 
how  cold  it  was.  We  were  all  shiver- 
ing, the  hostess  too.  She  even  re- 
marked on  it,  and  said  something 
about  the  folly  of  leaving  off  fires  by 
the  almanac.  And  did  she  have  any 
fires  lit?  Not  one.  She  did  not  dare 
ask." 

"  But  that  's  ridiculous." 

"Maybe;  but  what's  the  matter 
with  that?  We  are  all  ridiculous. 
Most  things  we  do  are  ridiculous,  or 
how  should  we  get  through  the  day? 
There  was  a  parlour-maid  there  with 
thin  lips  and  a  cold  eye,  who  ruled  the 
house." 

"  Your  friend  must  have  been  very 
weak." 

"  No;  merely  normal.  Here  's  a_n- 
other  example.  I  have  an  aunt— a 
widow — with  a  great  garden,  and 
when  I  was  there  in  the  spring  I  saw 
rows  and  rows  of  the  most  beautiful 
asparagus.  Meal  after  meal  came  in, 
but  no  asparagus.  Yet  it  was  cut  all 


right,  because  I  made  it  my  business 
to  observe." 

"  Who  had  it  then?  The  kitchen?  " 

"  There  was  too  much  for  any  kit- 
chen to  consume.  No,  it  went  to 
a  dealer,  I  am  convinced.  Not  with 
my  aunt's  knowledge.  She  used  to 
remark  plaintively  now  and  then 
that  it  was  too  bad  of  JOHN  not  to 
send  in  some  asparagus ;  but  that  was 
all.  But  do  you  suppose  that  even  if 
the  gardener  were  found  out  he  would 
be  dismissed?  Never." 

"  But  that  's  preposterous!  " 

"  Of  course  it  is — and  true.  Well, 
these  are  the  people  who  would  wel- 
come a  Society  for  the  Protection  of 
Employers.  You  would  pay  so  much 
a  year,  and  any  act  requiring  any  de- 
cision of  character  on  your  part  would 
be  performed  by  the  society's  officials. 
They  would  quickly  discover  where 
the  asparagus  went,  and  act  accord- 
ingly. I  would  certainly  join  it." 

"  Why,  are  you  afraid  of  your  ser- 
vants? " 

"  No;  but  my  wife  is." 

"  But  couldn't  you,  if  you  are  not 
afraid,  do  the  society's  work  for  your 
wife,  and  so  save  the  premium?  " 

"Certainly  not.  I  think  these 
things  are  always  better  carried  out 
by  third  persons.  And  I  make  a  point 
of  never  interfering  in  household 
matters.  Except  perhaps  to  point 
out  what  is  wrong." 

The  Female  Samson. 
Mile.    Selma   Kurz   brought  down 
the  house  with  her  wonderful  shake.'.' 
—Daily  Mail. 


1  < 


,    OR   THK    LONDON   CHAKIVAIM. 


. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(Dy  3lr    Piin,-J,'i  Raff  of  Ijtarnfd  Clfrkt.) 

Mini  booka  ait  i 


\V|M    V 

of  Anita  1 

it  from  begini 

SCOTT  meant  t 

what    damp   i> 


:le   ill 
leas  Mr.    i  .    A.    1  • 
•  the  "  • 
li 


*     MVUM     til      «  1 1  n   ii      i  'v  "  'i       ti 

lived  the  nani<  if 


had  only  gone  on  IIM 
all  might  have  be. 

letters  on  the  Groat  Egg  Question  to  T 
Instead,  she  chose  to  comj  • 
adventurer  several  rungs  below  her 
re  upon  the  ninety- and  mi. 


il   Mail. 
ladder. 

by  her  three  I  •  :.t>pin  with  one  accord  to  throw 

stones  at  her  in  spite  of  t:    ir   .un  highly-coloured  paste. 

.  th<-  rest  is  tragedy  and  the  tomb. 
Still,  let  us  be  thankful  for  small  mercies.     Mr 
spares  us  the  horrors  of  .-..:::.-  relief      His  pathetic  little 
traged  f  it  be  com mon place,  is  still  ti 

rngedians   walk   their 
stage    as    to    the    manner 

! 

Diligent  readers  of  Mr. 
FRED  Wmstuw's  1. 
pros,  ntment  of  Russian 
life.  Tlic  Secret  Syndi- 
cate (Jons  will 
observe  that  halfway 
through  a  fairly  sensa- 
tional story  the  hen> 
comes  to  the  conclusion 
"  that  for  him,  at  any 
rate,  Russia  was  be> 
ing  daily  more  impossible 
as  a  place  of  residcn. 
and  by  tho  time  the  finale 
is  reached  over  a  period 
including  tho  Japanese 


must,     in    .1  radi- 

•  lii-hi-    littlo    sternuta!  put 



-    me    IIS    most     II.;. 

iic    Miint,rij    [MhTlltKNI    is'iK.t    tin- 
of  the  '  rth  (though  th:it 

.  (nit  that  Mr    HI.KNMU.  ( 
t»-nt   to  nvord   Midi   as  .,f  i-uiiic. 

,-h   the   myst.-ry   is   jii.,1,,,1.      That    M.   muc; 
writiii;,',  so  nimbi.-  a  faii.-v.  so  tin.-  ai 
should  be  stultified  by  combination  \\itli  such  im  j 
a  mystery  which,  in  my  jiideini.|,t.  i-,  , 

of  onl\  iution.      1    offer   it    \vith   d  It    i-, 

that    Mr    CAPI.S  is  \viitinu'  with   his  tongue  ii 
-that  lie  is-  laughing  at   his  j.ublic.      And   i-  that    lather 

foolish  introduction  <>f  .s/u  r/,.r/,-  II,, I,,. 

ful  investigator  of  the  ease  a  hint  to  that  end?     If  so. 

the  jo  !•  to  be  made  a   littl. 

.rid  if  he  is  not  laughing  at  us,  t'n.-n  I  fear  that 
a  very  small  turn  of  the  wheel  will  find  us  lau»liiiii; 
a'  him. 


THE  rcMicrnrr  OMX-AIB  I'I.ITKRH  WHO  WOCLD  NOT  BE  DETEBIIED 

BT   TIIE   WEATHER. 


'I'll--        Maroness 
bus    put     li>L-eth--r    a 

intrigues  in  her  i 

The    Court     is    that 
.t    Hamp- 
ton,    and     the     skein     the 
machinations  of  the   Kins 

"f    SI-MN'S  eii\ci\ 
about     a     rt.val     man 
The  tan»les  are  due  to  the 
fact    that    Mary    is    in    l..\e 
with  tho  l>nl,    ,./   II  , 
whereas     the     IhiKc     is     in 

love    with    or f    M 

maids.     I  ,•     rr.su/. < 

<!lijmli-.  'iially        I 

don't    bhr 


.V.  ^7^  -    aon  t  iiiame  the  Uuki 

VUdimft  •Day.      or       Red   Sundov  "-we!  the  Queen  is  not  over  attra.-ti.  ,/„  is  the 

.bat  the  other  characters  in  the  book  ohamingast  of  sweethearts.     The  r,ir,/in,;/  ,/,-  Mor, 


o    sweeears.         e     ,ir,n,     ,,-      or, 

.«*«  8  subjects  must  have  cordially   the  chief  of  the  Un^ers,  but  I 

W,u.6onc/,aro/  «  opinion.  a  firm  hold  of  his  end  ,,t   the  thread.      II 

J  practice  of  the  exchange  of  names,  for  a  con-   calculations  and  deductions  are  simply  t.-rrifi.-. 
3n  - 


.it   i  •  *•  i*^^     \jt     nuiiicjo,      i\r 

•Hiem  i    hard-labour    convicts    and    iu,^-u 

colonists  in  Siberia  may  have  suggested  to  the  author 
his   ingenious  ,n  of  a  mysterious  organisation 

under  the  official  *>gis  whereby  rich  exiles  could  pur- 
chase their  freedom  by  the  arrest  of  involuntary  sub- 
stitutes.    Be  that  as  it  may,  he  has  surrounded  e\ 
«•••««•«•  in  his  book  with  an  atmosphere  of  intrigue 
tyranny  which  should  effectually  deter  any' 


*  —  •      all  \ 

intending  tourist  from  visiting  the  land  of  bombs  and 


. 
forced   at  certain    points   in    the    story    I  to    knov 


forged  paeeporU  this  summer. 

None   the   less,    the   author,    who   knows   his   Russia 
wo''-.     niw  two     typical     Slav 

• 


exactly    how    things    are    Roing    to    turn    out    tb 
almost  suspects  him  of  collusion  with  the  :nitb..i        I;  .- 
that  is  obviously  impossible,   for  in  the  end   he  t 
bad  toss,  while  all  the  really  nice  people 
a  number  of  them—  are  suitably  exalted. 

••// 

"  DEAI  SIRS,     Jii«t  a  !ini>  <>r  two  in  j 
•m  wr\'ing  in  the  Xaiy  in  • 
you  know  our  working  in  ti 

. 
«ilh  a  ligjit  hi>arl.  nnil  lluiik  n..iln 

"  You™  fmthfiilly,       .1    Brani   MACTO,  O.D." 

d  that   tb.  re  are  no   1-J-inch  guns  on  the 

,    SO    the    eff.-et     of    t!  -  Mes    js    Hot     ,|lllte    so 


1     »^-v         V  •»  V         I  »  I'll   111         filUV 

-«.    with    a    hap]  ,„,,{    f  („.;,. 

swains  thsn  their  sburL- 

•   pOMibly  pennit 

on    ,,.,-..  r/).    uhere.    in    n   dialogue    v 

SappfclM,   SO  the   effcet 

Ihe    latter  ,,     a    ipe(l,.|;    w.||j(.1]  •"'•  '"»  WOUM   appear.      ()ther\\ise   the   local   <-,,loiir  is 

...  i        /  .  .        exc.  llellt. 

proof  • 

•    hav» 


to   T/,<-    Daffy  Tcl-nmph    concludes 

_.-N  ycmrd,  leaving  to  you  to  use  it, 

i  riptive  title.-You^'truly, 


. 


AnirsT  14,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  TSAR  seems  to  be  dogged  by 
misfortune  wherever  he  goes.  On 
the  Sunday  when  he  visited  the 
KAISER  on  the  Holienzollern,  the 

KAISER  preached  a  sermon. 
*  * 

The  German  papers  say  that  the 
new  military  airship  which  has  re- 
cently been  making  successful  flights 
above  Berlin  is  the  best  of  its  kind 
ever  made.  In  view,  however,  of  its 
sausage-like  shape  we  should  have 
expected  it  to  be  called 
the  Wurst. 

v 

Wo  are  glad  to  hear  that 
our  own  military  authori- 
ties are  not  neglecting  the 
subject  of  aerial  naviga- 
tion, and  that  the  only 
reason  why  the  machine 
on  which  they  have  been 
experimenting  for  some 
time  past  has  not  sailed 
round  St.  Paul's  is  their 
very  proper  desire  not  to 

injure  the  sacred  edifice. 

*  * 

* 

Those  who  thought  that 
the  prestige  of  The  Daily 
Mail  might  suffer  through 
recent  events  are  mis- 
taken. EAISULI  has-  chosen 
that  journal  as  a  vehicle 
for  stating  his  case  to  the 

British  public. 

*  * 

Truth  will  out  even  in  a 
misprint.  According  to 
the  Liverpool  Daily  Post 
Sir  EDWARD  GREY,  speak- 
ing in  the  House  of  Com- 
mons on  the  subject  of  the 
Hague  Conference,  said 
that  he  and  his  colleagues 
were  more  than  ever  im- 
pressed with  the  helpless- 
ness of  mankind  under  the 
burden  of  arguments. 


"  May  I  protest,"  writes  Mr. 
W.  S.  PARISH,  "against  the  inade- 
quate number  of  straps  provided  for 
'  hangers  '  in  the  Metropolitan  Rail- 
way carriages?"  Certainly,  Mr. 
PARISH. 


*  * 
* 


London,  wo  learn  from  The  Daily 
Mail,  is  at  present  suffering  from  a 
plague  of  moths.  Several  are  re- 
ported to  have  been  bludgeoned  to 
death  by  the  police ;  but  the  public  is 
not  satisfied,  and  is  adopting  Lynch- 
law. 


by  French  smokers,  in  the  columns 
of  the.  Dcbals,  that  bits  of  wood, 
matches,  wire,  and  horsehair  arc  fre- 
quently found  in  the  cigarettes  sold 
by  the  French  Govenm 


The  question,  Which  is  the  better- 
looking  sex?  has  been  raised  ugain. 
Mr.  Louis  N.  PARKER  and  Mr.  ; 
TACE  MILES  —  we  were  almost  writing 
EUSTACE  MILO—  think  that  the  gift  of 
beauty  is  equally  divided,  while 
Madame  LALLIE  CHARLES  awards  the 
palm  loyally  to  women. 
We  would  suggest  that, 
before  the  dispute  becomes 
more  acute,  the  whole 
matter  be  referred  to  the 

Hague  Tribunal. 

*  * 

The  Rev.  *R.  J.  CAMP- 
BELL, in  drawing  an  im- 
aginary picture  of  our 
country  in  the  full  enjoy- 
ment of  Socialistic  bless- 
ings, declared  that  it  would 
be  "an  England  where 
laughter  would  take  the 
place  of  tears."  This  will 
bear  hardly  on  our  trage- 
dians. 


THE  BUTT 


THE  FUTURE. 


"  In  the  Home  Railway 
Market,"  says  The  Daily  Neivs, 
"  there  has  been  further  depression 
in  the  stocks  of  the  Southern  pas- 
senger lines  on  satisfactory  traffic 
returns."  Here,  again,  we  see  the 
same  cause  at  work  which  is  respon- 

sible for  the  low  price  of  Consols. 
*  * 

The  Belgian  summer,  at  any  rate, 
would  appear  to  be  the  real  article, 
according  to  Truth.  Speaking  of 
Knocke-sur-Mer,  our  contemporary 
says,  "  Flannels  for  men,  and  Flem- 
ish caps  for  ladies,  are  the  general 
wear."  This  leads  one  to  wonder 
whether  Truth  herself  does  not  live 
at  Knocke-sur-Mer. 


Temporary  Laird.  "  ULLO  !  Is  THAT  THE  SFOBTMG  SSIPPBTS  OFFICE  ? 
YES.  LOKCII  Scons  1501  BRACE.  PHOTOS  AND  SNAPPY  ARTICLE  FOLLOW 
BY  TO-NIGHT'S  MAIL." 


Two  million  passengers,  it  is 
stated,  have  been  lost  by  the  Central 
London  Railway  in  six  months.  This 
(as  was  said  in  another  connection) 

looks  like  gross  carelessness. 

*  * 

It  is  wonderful  the  airs  some  rep- 
tiles give  themselves.  Last  week  a 
four-foot  snake  was  discovered  coolly 
strolling  down  one  of  the  walks  of 
Victoria  Park,  Leicester.  It  was 
promptly  ordered  to  keep  on  the 

grass. 

*  * 

The  custom  of  giving  bonuses  with 
cigarettes  is  not  confined  to  this 
country.  Complaints  are  being  made 


The  Stoke  Ncwington 
Borough  Council  has  de- 
cided to  purchase  a  gold- 
braided  hat  for  the  muni- 
cipal hall-porter  at  a  cost 
of  £2  5s.  Later  on,  no 
doubt,  when  he  is  com- 
plete, special  excursion 
trains  will  be  run  to  enable 
the  country  folk  to  see 
him. 

V 

Money  makes  money. 
The  POUNDS  are  now  help- 
ing to  fill  the  coffers  of  the 
Palace  Theatre.  Mean- 
while the  pence  are  being 
taken  care  of,  so  tho 
POUNDS  are  all  right. 

V 

The  Pageant  Season  is  now  over. 
Its  educational  value  was  peculiar. 
It  seems  that  the  history  of  nearly 
every  town  which  indulged  in  one  of 
these  panoramas  began  with  one 
Flood  and  ended  with  another. 


Our  Pampered  Officials. 
"  Divisional  Orders,  Curragh  Camp. 
"  POST  OFFICE.       Bank   Holiday. 
The  public  counter  will  be  closed  at 
noon    for   all    business    except    tele- 
graph business,  express  delivery  ser- 
vices,   the  reception  of  parcels,    tho 
sale    of    postage    stamps,    and    the 
registration  of  letters  and  parcels. " 


VOL.    CIXXIII. 


110 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Arot-T  11.  1907. 


TO    PRINCE    BORQHESE, 

HuMer  of  the  molar-record.  Pekin  to  Paris  (tiro 
calendar  months). 

PRIM  F.  by  the  time  thews  lines  appear, 

.  will  have  done  ycur  I 

You  will  hare  finished  your  two  months'  job 
And  earned  t  ice  of  the  boulevard  mob, 

Leaving  your  rivals  out  of  mind  — 
The  nearest  a  week  and  a  half  behind. 

You  have  proved  that  nothing  on  earth  could  bar 
The  onward  rush  of  your  ruthless  car  ; 
Brigands  and  wolves  and  large  brown  bears, 

•ring  that  you  were  to  pass  their  lairs, 
Came  to  the  meet,  but  fled  (or  fell) 
At  the  noise  you  raised  and  the  noxious  smell. 

You  have  proved  there  isn't  a  road  so  vile 
But  you  could  traverse  the  thins  in  style, 
Jesting  at  mud  and  rut  and  rock, 
With  coolies  to  haul  your  car  tn  bloc, 
mules  to  carry  it,  pieced  in  packs, 
r  the  torrents  and  mountain-cracks. 

Two  thousand  leagues  (as  the  black  crow  flics, 

Who  has  the  advantage  of  open  skies) 

You  have  covered  at  five  good  miles  an  hour, 

Which  means  a  couple  of  wild-horse-power, 

With  generous  halts  of  a  night  or  day 

To  hint  that  the  motor  "  has  come  to  stay." 

You  have  proved  by  many  a  public  fete 

Big  with  the  local  mayor  in  state 

That  if  only  the  others  are  slow  enough 

You  may  stop  where  you  like  and  stuff  and  stuff, 

And  yet,  unlike  the  fabulous  hare, 

Win  with  a  continent  to  spare. 

Last,  to  the  maker's  great  content, 

You  have  served  as  a  princely  advertisement, 

Proving  his  car  is  the  best  of  all 

(IU  name,  at  the  moment,  I  can't  recall) 

For  the  myriads  eager  to  go  and  hoot 

On  a  holiday  jaunt  by  the  Gobi  route.          O.  8. 

Tk«  Obterrer,  in  an  article  on  the  Pekin-to-Paris  race, 
ted,  "Can  anybody  conscientiously  say  that  the  suc- 
cewful  competitors  have  driven  from  Paris  to  Pekin  by 

i       '    -     .-ir 

Mr.  Punch,  for  one,  cannot  honestly  lay  his  hand  on 
his  heart  and  say  anything  of  the  kind,  tor,  deep  down 
in  bis  conscience,  be  knou-t  that  the  race  was  run  in  the 
opposite  direction. 

TBK  Gloucester  Citi:en  report*  the  first  half-hour  of  a 
certain  county  match  as  follows:  — 

NncnruMiti  ».  Nornunrroxrauf. 


*» 
B.W.H«wtl.(.oi«t) 


13 

The  alliterative  effect  of  the  title  i«  masterly  ;  hut  it 
not  make  up  for  the  strange  lack  of  originality 
ahown  in  the  treatment  of  Cox's  name. 


Why  SotU  Win. 

"  I*  the  firat  over  Payton  hit  Knoi  for  a  4  and  a  '. 
and  Branston  for  a  4."— Tribune. 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 

AM.    this    happened    at    Cambridge   in   the  dim   and 

:   days  when   the   M:i;.  'ill,   in   .- 

ance  with  their  title,  rowed  in  May.     A 
to    St.    Mary's    College,    \vliicli    v  i    <,f    the 

was  being  pursued   l>y  n  boat  f.r'.:n  St.   l.i. !..•'.•;.      ] 
ment  was  nnd  party  feeling  ran   liigli.      i 

night    crowds    of    Marians    and     l.i. 
down    to    the    river    with     rati  horns,     dinner- 

bells    and    other    instruments    by    which    it    \vas    pro- 
posed  to  increase  the  courage  and  stinr.. 
of  the  oarsmen.     The  respective  dons  joined  in  tli. 
and   forgot  their  dignified    traditions. 
St.  Mary's  was  seen  to  fall  down  in  the  I.  h-and 

bark  his  knee.  The  unstudied  e\.  -lam.ition  whieh 
escaped  his  lips  made  him  a  very  popular  man  in  his 
College  for  years  afteru  irds.  It'  v  1  that  the 

nt  of  St.  Luke's  had  ecstatically  hurled  his  hat 
into  the  river  when  he  saw  his  crew  gaining,  and  he  t>  o 
liecamo  the  subject  of  admirir.  thing, 

in  short,  was  wanting  to  make  t!  .ide. 

DnJortunately,    I.  ihe    chivalry    which    usually 

attends  these  races  was  in  this  <-a-.e  marred   bv  an  inci- 
dent whieh   became,   the   subject   of   a    he. 
dence.    The  letters  come  into  my  possession,  and 
propose  to  publish  them,  though  ! 
able  to  secure  the  permission  of  the  p:r 
corned,  one  of  whom,   I  may  state,    is   now   an    Arch- 
deacon, while  the  other  has  recently  been  mail 
?ourt  Judge:  — 

(No.  1., 

[The  Captain  t>f  Kt.  Luke's  College  B.C.  to  Ihe 
President  of  the  C.I'.ll.T'.] 

May  23.  187—. 

"SiR, — I  regret  to  be  compelled  to  bring  before  your 
lot  ice  a  matter  which  occurred  to-day  during  the  First 
Division  races.  Our  boat  had  gained  a  length  on  St. 
Mary's  and  had  just  begun  a  spurt  at  J>ittoii  which  was 
n  the  opinion  of  every  spectator  certain  to  result  in  a 
)ump  when  a  large  black  dog  with  the  St.  Mary's  colours 
,ied  round  his  neck  who  had  been  running  on  the  bank 
vas  seen  (incited  thereto  by  some  St.  Mary's  u 
eap  into  the  water  landing  on  the  bow-s  f  the 

St.   Luke's  crew.     This  accident  vipleti  Iv   upset 

our  crew.     Two  of  them,  myself  amongst  the  number, 
were  forced  to  catch  crabs  and  by  the  tin 
uir  chance  was  gone.       1  make  this  complaint,  formally 

mest  you  to  summon  a  meeting  of  eapta, 
ider  it.     If  such  things  are  allow,, 1  to  happen  \\. 
if  us  know  what  may  happen  n.  \t.      I  um  sorry 
to  trouble  you  about  so  unsportsmanlike  an  action  on  tin- 
art  of  St.  Mary's." 

Tie-     Pn  -idcnt.    of    the    C.I  nt    this    letter    to 

he  Captain  of  tho  St.  Marv's  ll.f.  !IM,|  ;lsked  him  for 
us  observations.       The  Captain   of   St.   Mary's   \\.is   a 
sarcastic  man  and  «n  angry  one,  but  h. 
peller.     Here  is  his  letter:  — 

2.) 

[The  C,ij,l,,in   n/  SI.    .\/,,rj/'  .   t}lt 

l'r,.-i,l,nt  "/  ill,    0  ' 

May  24,  187—. 

SIR,—      am    oblid^-d   to  you   for  Rending    mo.    tho 
with  which  you  have  :  r,.,l  bv  (|,,,  C;,|,tain 

Luke's.     We  know  nothing  of  such    .  lie  is 

to  mention.       The  denparate  animal   if  it 
'dch  I  do  not  admit  must  have  been  maddenned 
y  the  sight  of  the  Bt.  Luke's  crew,  and  plunged  into  the 
•hough  nobody  else  saw  it  plunge)  in  a  wild  effort 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARlVARt.-AtJdUgt  14,  1907. 


.. 


FILLING    UP    THE    CUP.' 


C.-B.  (tlie  modern  Danald).    "SILLY    THING    DOESN'T    SEEM   TO    GET    ANY   FULLER." 

[Lord  LANSDOWNK'S  attitude  of  moderation  threatens  to  stultify  the  promised  vengeance  of  the  House  of  Commons.] 


AUGUST  14,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


113 


THE    BULLYON-BOUNDERMERES    AT   COWES. 

Mr.  B.-B.  "  HERE  'VE  I  SPENT  THOUSANDS  on  A  YAOHT,  BECAUSE  TOD  SAID  WB  MUST  'AYE  ONE,  AND  NOW  WHEN  I  WANT  YOU  TO  COME  A 
TRIP  TO  NORWAY,  OR  SOMEWHERE,  AFTEB  THE  REOATTER  is  OVER,  YOU  SAY  YOD  "ATE  THE  SEA,  AND  WON'T  BE  ON  IT  KOBE  THAN  YOU  CAN  'ELP. 
WHAT'S  IT  MEAN,  M'RIA?" 

Mrs.  B.-B.  "  MY  DEAR  MAM,  YOU  DON'T  SEEM  TO  UNDERSTAND  THAT  I  'VE  NO  USE  FOB  A  YACHT  EXCEPT  AS  A  SHORT  CUT  TO  THE  SQUADRON 
LAWN." 


to  rescue  the  men  from  death  by  drowning  owing  to  the 
splashing  prevaling  at  the  time.  We  alltogether  deny 
that  we  had  anything  to  do  with  this  and  we  challenge 
St.  Luke's  to  produce  the  dog  or  his  oner.  As  to 
sportsmanship  I  beg  to  say  that  the  boot  is  on  the  other 
leg." 

This  document  was  duly  sent  to  St.  Luke's  and  pro- 
duced the  following  retort  :  — 

(No.  3.) 

[The  Captain  of  St.  Luke's  College  B.C.  to  the 
President  of  the  C.U.D.C.] 

May  25,  187—. 

"  SIR, — The  letter  of  the  Captain  of  St.  Mary's  may  be 
treated  with  the  scorn  which  such  a  production  deserves. 
I  can  furnish  the  names  of  twelve  witnesses,  including 
four  men  in  my  crew,  who  are  prepared  to  testify  that 
the  incident  happened  in  the  manner  I  have  described. 
There  can  be  no  doubt  that  the  dog  was  brought  down 
to  the  river  on  purpose  and  was  urged  on  to  his  fiendish 
task  either  by  men  belonging  to  St.  Mary's  or  by  their 
sympathisers.  He  was  seen  again  yesterday  at  Baits- 
bite,  but  a  strong  contingent  of  St.  Luke's  men  chased 
him  from  the  scene.  May  I  ask  when  the  meeting  I 
have  requested  will  be  summoned?  " 


To  this  the  Captain  of  St.  Mary's  put  in  the  following 
crushing  rejoinder  which  closed  the  correspondence  and 
the  incident :  — 

(No.  4.) 

[The  Captain  of  St.  Mary's  College  B.C.  to  the 
President  of  the  C.U.B.C.] 

May  26,  187—. 

"  SIB, — I  have  the  honour  to  aknoledge  your  last  en- 
closing letter  from  the  Captain  of  St.  Luke's.  I  now  beg 
to  withdraw  part  of  my  first  letter  and  to  state  that  the 
dog  exists.  He  belongs  to  a  scholar  of  St.  Luke's  whose 
name  is  B.  F.  HODGES.  The  dog's  name  is  Neptune  and 
he  is  a  retriever.  I  know  where  he  is  kept,  and  I 
can  show  him  to  you  or  any  one  else.  The  fact  that  we 
have  been  out  of  our  distance  from  the  St.  Luka's  boat 
every  night  proves  that  it  was  unesesary  for  St.  Luke's 
to  throw  a  retriever  into  bhe  river  so  as  to  find  an  excuse 
for  crabs  which  they  would  have  caught  without  the 
intrewsion  of  such  an  animal.  Perhaps  the  Captain  of 
St.  Luke's  will  now  apolligise." 

The  Tribune,  as  a  family  paper,  caters  for  all.     But 
it  was  a  mistake  to  head  one  of  its  articles  in  this  way : 
"  FOB  THE  CHILUBEN. 
HORSE  ANTS." 


PUNCH,  OR  THK    I.nNDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Auatsr  14,  1907. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

On  board  the  "  Illanchc." 

DSAUST    DAPHHI.— Behold 

•board     i>  r     nan. .-sake, 

i    is    a    fine,    big    ttc:. 
quite  a  b.i  --Mill  triple- 

cxpaiiftion  things  somewhere,  and  a 
r  dances  and  afternoon 
teas.  1  must  say,  JOSIAII  lion  done 
us  well.  'I  i.'-  saloon  is  a  peach,  and 
out  of  it  o|H>it8  a  darling  wee  boudoir 
done  in  white  brocade  and  ivory — a 
compliment  to  me. 

ACS  was  much  the  same  as 
usual.  One  to  be  fit  In  r 

landing  or  going  on  board  again  all 
day,  and  on  the  Squadron  Lawn 
the  same  people  one  's  !••••  n  meeting 
day  in  town  for  the  last  three 
months. 

The  Regatta,  of  course,  I  pay  no 
Of  all  aggravating,  un- 

-tin}»  things  regattas  are  easily 
worst.  Everything  's  such  an  im- 

••  way  off,  and  it 's  all  so  slow 

vague  and  stupid.  Then  the 
rwjatU- fiend,  who  always  has  his 
giasso*  at  his  even,  ami  whoso  con- 
versalion  i-*  sprinkled  with  booms 
and  spinnakers,  and  luffing,  and 
wearing,  and  sail  an-n,  and  nil  that 
stuff,  in  of  all  I>orc8  the  most  trying. 
Thin  ia  the  creature  who,  in  an  ab- 
surdly fresh,  breezy. 

H  rushing  up  to  you  with:— • 
M'n»n'<  that  a  ripping  win  of 
.SylruTf  this  morning.'  Watn't  she 
beautifully  handled?  Did  you  no- 
tice, when  she  was  brought  round  iti 
stays,  three  points  off  the  \\ind'.'" 
— and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  when, 
v.-ry  likely,  one  was  playing  bridge 
all  night,  and  didn't  come  on  deck 
till  the  aft. -riii-oii.  You  'II  say  I  'in 

•.thusioHtic  yachtswoman.  Well, 
my  dear,  1  'm  not.  .V</  true  woman 
is.  There!  I  tell  you  no  u-mnanly 
woman  loves  the  sea,  and  if  she  says 
she  does  she  's  an  old  or  a  young 
pretender.  It  's  eucntially  a  man's 
'  has  no  mercy  on  the 
little  vanities,  and  f  nn<l 

fnl-ln!s  that  make  our  lives  beautiful. 
Why,  y<.u  come  on  deck  sweetly  got 
up  (or.  in  the  language  of  the  S 
"  dandy-rigged  ")  to  receh 

tea,  and  in  two-two's,  most 
likely,  your  fetchingost  little  adorn- 
ment  is  on  the  horizon.  Also,  a 
woman  must  bo  perfectly  genuine 
(not  that  this  is  a  point  that  iron!, I. •« 

•irse)  to  gi-t  anytl. 

yachting.     Ai  I  say  genuine, 

I  dot.  truthful  .'in.) 

that    ia    simply    a    matt-  r 
ashore  or  afloat.     I  mean  physically 


must  have  a  real  e-.m- 
•  M.     ahle  "  the     fierce 

.pon    it    \iu-ht. 

'       '  .      Illlii      !l 

•  f  hair  ti  '  irally,  to 

:lie  viiul  I'tir- 

ticiiiirlij  nice  feet  al'd  ankl< 

•  pOK  '  D  anil 

f  boats,  ainl  -.•••n-.i:  up  aiul  d.  u  :i 

\i.il. 

•  si  is  well  (iiiind.  to  use 
a     sea-phrase,     in     th.-.-e     re-: 
though  Ciil.l  SKKKN  may  have  w 

in    blue   or    white 

serge,    sh<  hting 

alone.  With  men  it  nmy  bo  a  sport, 
ami  a  matter  of  speed  and  Rail-area, 
and  luffing,  ami  wearing.  Hut  with 
us  (and  I  don't  care  vlmt  the  out- 
it  yuehting  women  say  to  the 
contrary)  it  r.  .'If,  like  • 

other  sport,  into  the  questions,  How 
shall  I  look?  Can  I  come  through 
the  ordeal?  Lo<«  try  to  come  through 
it  who  can't,  and  then  there  's 
another  Tragedy  of  the  .- 

You  know  that  pretty  little  widow, 
tiiivi  K  TKT.VOH,  who  wiis  rather  suc- 
cessful in  London,  and  wound  up  the 
season  by  getting  ong.igcd  to  Lord 
XINSY  KKOI.I.VOT '.'  She  had  a  pretty, 
childish  way  of  throwing  hack  a  lock 
of  hair  from  her  forehead,  and  look- 
ing dreamily  upward.  It  became 
ijuite  a  small  rage,  and  heaps  of 
people  were  throwing  back  locks  of 
hair  from  their  foreheads,  and  look- 
ing dreamily  upward,  who  were  quite 
unfitted  by  nature  to  do  so.  Well, 
GRACE  TRF.VOK  and  Ixjrd  Nixxv  wen- 
guests  for  the  week  on  the  MIDDLK- 
SIIIKKS'  yacht,  (ludini.  One  morn- 
ing, when  they  wore  cooing  on 
deck,  a  sudden  squall  tore  off 
CRACK'S  yachting  cap  and  carried  it 
out  to  sea — and  the  famous  lock 
along  with  it.  Isn't  that  a  horrible 
story  ?  I  hear  the  engagement  "B  off 
now. 

Lady  CLAROES  sailed  her  own 
yacht.  She  's  been  through  a  course 
of  lessons,  you  know,  and  holds  a 
mariner's  certificate  that  she  'a  ab- 
surdly proud  of.  She  lo 
workmanlike,  though  not  at  all  chic. 
in  her  sou '-wester  and  big  pea-coat, 
shouting  orders  through  a  mega- 
phone. I  heard  she  ran  into  one  or 
two  things. 

•ng  our  '*  on  the 

KmiiY    V  \\  \SSOK   and 
i  iinkee  girl,    I 

ttsburg.         (It    was   her   "  1'op  " 

made  our  <  !o\.  Turnout   an   offer 

day    Hook,    to    put    in    his 

i     They  're    to    )„.    married 

in   a   week   or  two,    and    1  • 

has   a    lovely    idea    for    her    wedding. 

on  Rtilts.     Owing 


to  this,  she  had  to  ;;i\e  ll]i  her  idea 
of  being  man  hops. 

After  a  search,   they    found   a  curate 
who   was    willing   to  learn    tin- 
am!   he  's   now    learning,    and   hurting 
If  ilrfiitlfiilly,    they   say.      II.  \\ 

ever,     he   'II     h>  i     l.y     all 

'     .'  '  I. is   hishop 

umd     of    it     and  Wishes 

him,  or  whatever  it  is  they  do  to 
them. 

As     to     the     entertaining     during 

1  'm    gh,d   to    tell 

my  child,  that  I  crowded  on  cam  as 
and  sailed  away  from  the  lot  with  my 
Mermaids'  Hall.  Ji >>:\ii  was  called 
away  on  business,  and  1  sent  out 
card-.  .11,  printed  in  silver, 

for  "  the  first  calm  warm  i         I  i 

had    the    most    delirious    Mermaid's 
hall-gown   that  you   ,  r,  r.      (At    least. 
rn,   but   never 

mind  that.)  It  was  sewn  with  iri- 
•  t  paillettes,  and  the  Ji'rul' 
.'.itli  shells  and  sea-weed.  My 
hair  was  down,  of  course,  and  twined 
with  shells  and  sea  weed  also.  Tin- 
calm,  warm  night  came  along  all 
right,  and  we  v. ere  rowed  into 
lowish  water,  win-re  \\e  chose  our 
hall-room,  and  DI-M  \io\\  and  I 
receive, 1  the  mermen  and  mermaids 
hidden  to  frolic  with  us.  She  was 
got  up  like  me,  only  her  hair  d. 
wave  naturally  and  sin-  found  wa\  ing- 
pins  hut  a  r.  i  <l  to  lean  on  in  the 
circs.  The  hall-room  was  lit  h\ 
trie  torches  held  in  boats,  the  dance- 
music  was  supplied  by  a  bi;^  gramo- 
phone, and  supper  was  on  Heating 
tables.  ]>I:SI>I:MON\  said  it  was  "  as 
big  a  thing  as  any  hoste.-s  had  di>ne 
over  home."  And  that,  from  her, 
is  a  huge  compliment. 

All    Cowes    was    talking    about    it 
next  day. 

K\cr   thine, 

Hl.ANCl'i:. 


THE    ]|o|.Ili\V    SorVKNIK 

l;i  RBAU,  LTD. 

WHY  go  abroad  when  \  •  t  all 

the  souvenirs  you  want  at  home'1 
Save  your  travelling  expenses  and 
deal  With  US. 

WI.M    WK  Do. 

Supposing  money  is  tight  with  you, 

and    t '  -  SMVI  m.s    and    family 

have  g-.ne  to  Lucerne,  while  you  arc 

i   to  retire   to   Margate   for  your 

summer  holid 

WHY  nr.  ASII.IMKO? 
You  can  stop  in  Margate,  while  our 
•lariers  will  organise  an  imagi- 
nary tour  through  the  Continent  for 
you.  Tell  us  when-  you  want  to  go 
to,  and  we  will  let  all  your  friends 
know  that  you  are  there.  We  send 


AUGUST  14,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


115 


Guest  at  S'Jllire'a.   "\VlUT  SORT  OF  A  TEAM   ARE  THESE   EAST  HrDE  PEOPLE  WE 'HE   PLATIXO  TO-DAT?" 

Pompous  Barter.  "  I'VE  NO  OPINION  OF  'EM,  SIR;  THEY  COME  FROM  A- PLACE  WHERE  TIIEBE'S  KOTHIKX  BUT  IIIOXORAXCE  AKD  UINTERMARRTIS'." 


you  picture-postcards  of  Paris,  the 
Schaffhausen  waterfall,  the  Jung- 
frau,  Lake  Como  by  moonlight,  etc., 
etc.,  and  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  ad- 
dress them  to  your  friends  with  a 
greeting  on  them,  such  as  "  Isn't  this 
a  pretty  place?"  or  "Arrived  here 
safely,"  or  "  Will  this  do  for  your 
collection?  "  or  "  Haven't  met  the 
JONES- 8)(YTHEa  yet."  Then  you  send 
the  cards  back  to  us  in  an  envelope, 
ami  we  forward  them  to  our  agents  all 
over  Europe  to  post. 

The  postmarks  are  genuine;  so  are 
the  stamps.  That  is  where  you  score. 
See? 

You  WILL  WANT  SOUVENIRS. 

We  have  souvenirs  of  every  place 
in  Europe.  We  buy  them  from  Bir- 
mingham direct,  thus  saving  the 
French  and  German  middleman.  We 
will  deliver  as  many  as  you  want  to 
your  home,  and  you  can  make  pre- 
sents to  everyone,  just  like  the 
JONES-SMYTHES. 

SEE  WHAT  WE  SAVE  I 

You  needn't  even  go  away.  You  can 
ptop  in  your  back-garden  at  Balham, 


and  rest  content  in  the  know- 
ledge that  picture-postcards  signed 
by  you  are  fluttering  on  the  neigh- 
bours from  Dieppe,  San  Sebastian, 
Christiania,  Brussels,  etc.  From 
Iceland,  if  you  like.  It  's  the  same 
price.  We  have  the  following  sou- 
venirs at  cheap  Birmingham  rates : 
—  Dutch  hopjes,  fisher-dolls  from 
Boulogne  and  Dieppe,  Joan  of  Arc 
statuettes  from  Eouen,  Eiffel  Tower 
spoons,  pate  de  foie  gras  tcrrinr'x,  Rue 
de  Eivoli  jewellery,  lions  of  Lucerne 
in  every  shape,  wooden  bears  from 
Berne,  Brussels  lace-handkerchiefs, 
catalogues  of  the  Wiertz  Museum, 
wooden  boxes  from  Spa,  Roman 
beads,  mosaic  brooches  from  Venice, 
Spanish  bandannas,  cuckoo  clocks 
from  the  Black  Forest,  KAISER'S 
photographs  (2,500  different  poses) 
from  any  German  town.  Just  try 
us. 

WHAT  OUR  CLIENTS  THINK. 

"  I  was  obliged  to  go  to  Southend 
last  year,  but,  thanks  to  your  wonder- 
ful bureau,  I  took  one  of  your 
imaginary  tours  through  the  South 


of  France.  My  wife's  uncle  was  so 
delighted  with  our  thoughtfulness  in 
sending  him  a  card  from  Monaco  (the 
Casino,  coloured,  by  moonlight)  that 
ho  sent  mo  a  cheque  on  my  '  re- 
turn.' Kindly  send  me  a  French 
five-franc  piece,  as  I  promised  it  to 
my  aunt,  who  wishes  it  made  into  a 
brooch. 

"  HENRY  YAPP,  Peckham." 

Telegram  :  "  Maiden  aunt  asks  me 
map  out  for  her  same  tour  as  I  made 
last  year  have  MUDIE'S  branch  in 
Ardennes  is  that  where  I  went  last 
year. 

PETER  CRIMP,  Holmlea,  Purley." 


Commercial  Intelligence. 
From  a  bill :  — 

"  Hunter    &    Co.'s    Annual    Half- 
Yearly  Sale." 


"  THE  last  wicket  fell  just  before 
lunchtime.  After  the  interval  a 
very  pleasing  improvement  in  the 
dimensions  of  the  spectators  was 
seen." — East  Anglian  Daily  Times. 


116 


PQNGH,  »ii  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


HO\V    1  II  M.IAN 

\\AU     1 

V      1'KV  RB- 

."  9007. 

\\«:Mil.KndJitioii  .  i,  ri.i 

Naaionale  has  just  been  made  in  the 

shape  of  a  large  work  alleged  to  be 

he   great  and    popular    English 

master  of  the   last   century,    Siois- 

GOBTZB. 

m  "  I*  Tribuna." 
Considerable  mystery  attaches  to 
the  step*  by  which  the  Directors  of 
.n ale  became  the 

poaaeaaors  of  Goetze.     The 

purchase  was  made  through  a  firm  of 
dealers,  who  naturally  do  not  divulge 


put  A  mi-  •      Meanwhile  the 

pictu;  ••IMI, -n    of 

Knglish    WlBBM,' 

lelicitouarj  oaBed,  has 

.uitry,  lu.r  are 
we  likely  to  give  it  buck. 

,   "  //  N,  m.if 

Kindness  of  th.-  I'm  ,-tors  of 
the  "(lull-Tin    Na/.ionale,     writes    our 

~|Kimlcnt,  I  Inn,-  I,,-,  n  permitted 
to  see  the  new  acquisition  which  is 

ng  so  much  interest.  It  is  cer- 
tainly a  great  work,  measuring  some 
ninety  square  ff.-t.  So  far  as  I  can 
conjecture  the  subject  is  "  The  F.nd 
,,f  the  Season,"  or  it  might  ho  "  The 

ng  of  Parliament.       Whatever 

>i  is  a  great  work,  and  will 


any  secrets.  They  saj,  however,  that 
everything  has  been  above  board 
(ptnnone)  and  honest, 
less  here  is  an  English  masterpiece, 
exported  from  England  against  the 
law  and  imported  into  Italy  against 
the  law :  a  double  fracture. 

From  "La  Verita." 
Excitement  in  art  circles  is  at  fever 
heat  with  regard  to  th.-  new  Goetze 
which  ban  just  been  him-  in  th,   <',;,!- 
leria  National.-:  1  •  secret  is 

made  of  the  fact  that  it  was  dis- 
covered in  England  and  com 

quite  openly,  in  spite  of  the  pro- 
hibition concerning  the  exportation 
of  works  of  art.  The  theory  most 
wide!  — d  i*  that  it  is  not  a 

work  "of  art;  but  on  this  point  the 
d.-alcrs  are  dumb.  The  fact  remains 
that  th.-  picture  hangs  in  the  Galleria 
Nazionalr,  and  has  been  pronounced 
by  various  gifted  experts  to  be  a 
genuine  Goetze. 

From  "  La  Potta." 
The  story  of  the  finding  of  the 
great  masterpiece  by  SIOISMUXD 
OOKTZR  that  now  hangs  in  the  Gal- 
leria Narionale  reads  like  a  romance. 
It  seems  that  it  was  unearthed  by  a 
workman  who  was  excavating  in  the 
ruins  of  tin-  iVire  Gallery  in  I/»ndoii. 
For  a  long  time  the  man  debated  as 
to  what  his  discovery  could  be;  hut 
ugth.  on  the  arrival  of  a  more 
imaginative  mate,  it  was  decided 
that  it  was  a  picture.  An  unknown 
expert  happening  to  be  passing, 
doubt  gave  way  to  certainty.  It  was 
a  picture.  After  a  few  moments'  ex- 
amination the  expert  pronounced  it  n 
Goetze.  and  made  the  workmen  an 
offer  for  it  in  beer,  which  was 
promptly  accepted,  and  cutting  th.- 

.Hie  th.'   lucky 

'  hi*  iinn  and 
'    off.        1 
seen  again,  nor  c,, 


a  gratifying  area  of  wall.  How  Italy- 
has  managed  for  so  long  to  exist 
without  a  Goetze  now  becomes  an 
acute  pr.ihl.-m. 

From  "La  Maglia." 
The  most  extraordinary  thing  that 
could  happen  with  regard  to  the  new 
Goetze  would  be  the  sudden  appear- 
ance— as  in. the  case  of  the  new  Yan- 
dyck  of  a  century  ago—of  duplicates 
of  it.  But  none  has  yet  come  to 
hand.  As  Signer  BRUNO  of  Monte 
di  Tavola  remarked,  the  true  art 
.  who  hates  replicas,  could  bear 
with  more  equanimity  the  prospect 
of  another  eruption  of  Vesuvius  than 
that  there  should  be  three  Goet/.es 
exactly  alike  in  this  country. 

From    "  //    Spcttatore." 
The  theories  expressed  by  the  com 
mittee    of    experts    who    yesterday 
visited  the  Galleria  Nazionale  to  see 
the  new  Goetze  and  come  to  a  deci 
sion  as  to  its  theme  for  official  adop 
tion  in  the  catalogue,  are  strangely  a 
variance ;  were  the  subject  a  less  seri 
ous  and  exalted  one,  we  might  almos 
say    comically    so.     Signer    GIOROII 
MORO,    who   is   perhaps   the   world' 
first   authority  on   allegory,    after   i 
severe   examination    of    the    canvas 
pronounced  it  to  represent  "  The  Tri 
iiniph   of   Mind   o\,-r   Matt.-r."     The 
policeman  in  the  foreground,  he  held 
Illicit     he    till  tli 

time  and  the  district  of  London  re 
ferred  to,  the  lettering  on  his  colla 

.ting  his  division,  and  thus  pin 
ning  down  the   locality  to  Mayfair 
the   abode,   in   SIOISMU.ND   Goi 
day,  of  the  Smart  Set.     On  the  ••!!.. 
hand,    Si.  Nlh"i.\    In. 1,1 

tlurt  the  policeman  is  a  postman,  an 
thai  '••    and    th 

f    th 

<•>•     being     "  Tin-     ritimat 
Triumph    of 

RTO     NlHol.v     lays 
"Ii    t!l-      w,,|,|    "   ultil: 


holds    that     tin-    painter's 
nl   VVM-.  ironical,  to  all  apj 
lire  the  lady  with  the  !'>lgliettes  and 
,HH!|,  -r    having    al- 

•ady  conquered.     Hut  here  comes  in 
of  Father  Time  with 
the  and  the  jockey  on  the  ra.-e- 
\    third    theory.    pro|,oiinded 
y  Signor  PARC,',  is  that  the  picture 
s  not  nn  allegory  at  all,  hut   a  scene 
rom  one  of  the  pageants  >o  common 
n   England   in   (loi.T/i.'s   day.        B>- 
hat  as   it   may,    it   is   a   fine   work ; 
very  inch  of  the  canvas,  even  win-re 
ubjected   to   the    searching   scrutiny 
f  the  microscope,  being  found  to  be 
overed  with  paint. 

From    "  nica." 

\V,-  understand  that  a  formal  .!••- 
mand     for     the     restitution     of     the 
•  •    to    its    bereaved    country    has 

n   made  by   the    Knglish    Foreign 

Illire.  Kngland.  it  s.  ,-ms,  is  on  fin- 
.\er  what  it  calls  its  loss.  Unless  the 
licturo  is  relinquished  \\e  do  not  see 
JOW  8  rupture  can  be  avoid. -I. 

From     "  l.n     Mnttinn." 
An    envoy    extraordinary    from    the 
Snglish  (iovernin,  nt  y.".t.-rday  called 
at  the    Foreigp  Otliee   with   n-L-ard   to 
,he  smug:  a-   it    is   n,,w 

•ailed.  \Ve  understand  that  «n 
seing  asked  by  the  Foreign  Minister 
why  England  wanted  the  pi, •tun- 
jack  again  he  made  n<>  reply.  Im- 
mediately after  seeing  the  picture  at 
the  Galleria  N:i/.i»nale  he  left  for 
London.  Much  importance  is  at- 
tached to  the  incident. 

From  "  //  7V/II/,.,." 
According  to  our  London  corres- 
pondent there  is  no  Go.-t/e  in  the 
National  Gallery  there.  From  this 
fact  we  deduce  that  jealousy  is  at  the 
bottom  of  the  whole  trouble. 

From  "11  Corrirrc." 
Nothing,  it  is  feared,  ran  now  avert 
war.  Even  if  the  pictur--  were  given 
up  the  English  Government  would 
consider  that  the  affront  was  tiK.seii- 
OUS.  That  the  picture  will  lie  ceded 
we  have  not  the  faintot  hop,'. 

„>    •'  II   B 

War   between    Italy    .md    F.nghmd 
has  been  formally  d< •<•!.•, 


An  Early  Separation. 

"  \  \  i:uv  pr«-tty  though  quiet  wed- 
ding was  ^o|,-ii,ni/ed  at  the  Catholic 
church  here  on  Saturday  morning. 
After  the  ceremony  the  young  couple 
left  on  the  morning  train  for  different 
points  in  Manitoba."—  '/''"  / 

Mail,  C'minda. 


AUGUST  14,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


117 


LUXURY   AT   SEA. 

TllE  LATEST  ADDITION  TO  THE  GYMNASIUM  OF  THE  GERMAN  TRANSATLANTIC  LINERS  IS  AN  INVENTION  BT  AID  OF  WHICH  HORSE  EXERCISE 
MAY  I!E  ENJOYED.  TflE  ABOVE  SKETCHES  ARE  SUPPOSED  TO  REPRESENT  A  DEMONSTRATION  BT  THE  SHIP'S  DOCTOR,  UNDER  WHOSE  CHARGE  SUCH 
A  THING  SHOULD  OBVIOUSLY  BE  PUT. 


THE  OIL  KING  AT  PLAY. 

THIS  is  how  Mr.  ROCKEFELLER,  in 
the  words  of  The  Daily  Mail,  took 
the  news  of  the  heavy  fine  inflicted 
upon  the  Standard  Oil  Company  :  — 

"  The  Oil  King  was  playing  Rolf.  He  had 
just  made  a  150-ft.  drive  when  a  messenger 
rode  across  the  links  and  handed  him  a  tele- 
gram. The  richest  man  in  the  world  tore  open 
the  envelope,  glance  1  at  the  contents  for  a 
Mcond,  and  then,  giving  his  chilis  to  a  caddy, 
mounted  his  tricycle  and  pedalled  to  the  next 
green." 

We  do  not  think  much  of  the 
150-ft.  drive,  which  was,  after  all, 
only  50  yards ;  but  the  poverty  of  it 
may  perhaps  be  explained  by  his 
having  his  whole  bagful  of  clubs  in 
his  hands  at  the  time  (or  so  we 
judge  from  the  statement  ihal  he 
subsequently  gave  them  to  his 


caddy).  His  next  action,  however, 
seems  to  show  that  he  was  more 
affected  by  the  news  than  was  at 
first  believed ;  for  we  read  that  he 
"  mounted  his  tricycle  and  pedalled 
to  the  next  green."  Unless  he  had 
holed  out  in  one  with  his  fifty-yard 
drive,  this  means  that  he  must  have 
given  the  hole  away  to  his  opponent. 
It  does  not  sound  at  all  like  an  Oil 
King;  and  it  is  only  kind  to  suppose 
that  he  could  not  have  been  quite 
himself  at  the  moment. 

We  understand,  by  the  way,  that 
this  fine  of  over  five  millions  sterling 
has  caused  a  spasrn  of  the  most 
bitter  jealousy  in  Carmelite  House. 


"  THIS  is  an  actress  who.  .  .  once 
learnt  the  part  of  Delilah  in  Samson 
Agnostic  in  three  days." — Throne. 


WHEN  CISSIE  SWIMS. 

WHEN  CISSIE  swims,  by  strict  com- 
mand 

She  doesn't  venture  far  from  land, 

But  shows  her  skill  where  all  may 
view 

Beyond  the  waves  a  yard  or  two; 

And  oh  !  her  trudgcon  stroke  is  grand. 

Up    swings    her   gleaming    arm    and 

hand, 

One  snowy  white,  the  other  tanned  ; 
And  water-wings  are  quite  taboo 
When  CISSIK  swims. 

Her  course  no  current  can  withstand, 
Yet,  all  the  time,  her  smile  is  bland, 
While  now  and  then  above  the  blue 
A  little  foot  appears,  and  who 
Would  guess  the  other's  on  the  sand 
When  CISSIE  swims? 


118 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[ACOUBT  14,  1907. 


3^*^ 


*~iSZ»- 


"III!      \VlUT  WMXEJ*   HATE  TOP   HERE?      THIS   18  J»R.   BROWN'S   LAXD  " 
"  ' 


^" 


-  L"«  ™  rewl  °»   "" 

T  1  ALL  TEST  WELL,   SOT  WHAT  HAT«  TOO  SHOT?      I   HEARD   A   SHOT  JO8T  HOW." 

Tnqxutrr.  "It  WAM'T  PI.    We  HAYEX'T  FIRED." 


LAW.      ASTWAT   TOD 


> 


.  .  . 

•«  THAT  BARE  DOUf  I*  TOOR  HAJ.'.  FOOEET?   I  CA»  SEE  A  LEO  BTICEIXO 
L)H,  THAT  »  A  HARE  WE  VE  BROCO8T  OUT  FOR  I.UNCH  !  " 


OCT." 


ODH    TO    A    MISANTHROPE. 

(A,  MM  M  ffc  fit^MC.  ftw*  VlJhCW  ffoMW.) 

DYSPEPTIC  biped  !  irritably  brooding 

And  perchant  in  a  none  too  savoury  jx>n. 
What  i«  your  trouble— if  I  'm  not  intruding— 

Wh.ro  dd  you  mostly  f,-,  I  tin-  pain,  and  when:1 
\\  hat  is  that  woo  of  yours  that  wrings  the  rare  drop 

From  Cockney  eyes,  and  makes  the  infant  seek 
To  grant  you  the  reversion  of  his  pear-drop 

Or  ply  with  currant  buns  a  carrion  beak  ? 


Is  it  regret  that  haunts  y.,u    '     Does  that  head-piece 

(Needing  a  tonic)  miss  Ithodcsia's  morn 
Charged  with  the  subtle  fr»Kranco  of  some  dead  piece 

Of  mutton  on  the  mobile  DIMM  l.onie  ? 
Long  era  your  plumes  sustained  such  wholesale  losses 

Who  knows — when  you  were  young  and  sweet  and 

shy — 
What  tender  obsequies  that  curved  proboscis 

Has  undertaken,  and  in  spheres  how  high  ? 

And  now  a  milder  tariff  foils 

old  6on  tironr.  and  von  hr  fast 

Cheerless  as  (  hnfing  f.  • 

The  spic  •       -.t  past  : 


SHIR 


>••,  the  world  deftpiftjng, 


Rav. 

•-  I    ir  ,  '•    .•      -••,-..  •-,    ,  !;1.  r)  .       .  _. 

Molest*  your  old  innanuary  plui 


But  this,  I  take  it,  most  profoundly  fest 

And  grates  your  gizzard  with  a  secret  care— 

The  tactlessness  of  those  official  jest 

\\  hose  task  it  was  to  choose  your  nomme  dc  guerre : 

Captive— a  bachelor — in  bad  condition, — 
When  Fate's  malevolence  presumed  to  stick 
Sociable  Vulture  "  on  your  scant  purtit 
No  wonder  that  it  tnnn-d  von  deathly 


The  Raison  d'etre. 

'  \\.\XTKt),  a  man  and  wife,  under  in.     Write,  st 
wages  Biui   length   of   previous  character  and   reason   for 
living."— Hasting*  and  St.  Leonards  Observer. 

Insulting  a  Friendly  Nation. 

'  M\s  or  Italian  wanted  to  go  with  small  merry-go- 
round  through  streets." — Glasgow  Citizen. 

JAutres  tempt,  les  memes  moeurs. 

.«•  old  (ireek  alphabet,  knjtjxi  came  after  iii,  and 
in  late  English  times  the  policeman  still  courts  the 
cook. 

The  dJKiunont  roiiwminj;  the  proposal  to  create  a  separate  coloured 
Min'ip      Tl.e    Ilivl,,,,,  ,,f    Ai  is  the   most 

miliunt  champion  of  the  •cheme.  -  r/,,,r,  fc  Time*,  "  Amrri.  an 

THE  Kipht  Rev.  BROWN  would  naturally  be  prejudiced. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  14,  1907. 


THE    IRRESPONSIBLE. 

EUROPA  (to  SULTAN  OF  MOROCCO).  "  I  THOUGHT  YOU  WERE  SUPPOSED  TO  BE  THE  MONARCH  OF 
THIS  COUNTRY.  WHY  CAN'T  YOU  KEEP  IT  IN  ORDER?" 

SULTAN.  "MADAM,  YOUR  ALGECIRAS  CONFERENCE  HAS  VERY  KINDLY  RELIEVED  ME  OF 
RESPONSIBILITY.  I  HAVE  THE  PROFOUNDEST  CONFIDENCE  IN  YOUR  ADMIRABLE  POLICE!" 


14,  1007.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


121 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

ElTRACTED   FEOM  T1IE   DlABY   OF  ToBY,  M.P. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday, 
August  5. — At  it  again.  Pot  calling 
Kettle  black.  Kettle,  represented 
by  C.-B.,  serenely  steams  forth  pro- 


If  during  tliat  time  they  were  not 
able  to  rough-hew  its  ends,  system 
stood  self-condemned.  Now  proposed 
to  allow  three  days  for  consideration 
of  the  Bill  on  lieport  Stage  by  the 
whole  House ;  a  fourth  for  Third 
Reading.  If  this  aggregate  did  not 


"PoT  CALLING  KETTLE  BLACK." 
(Mr.  B-lf-r  and  C.-B.) 


posal  to  limit  period  of  further  dis- 
cussion of  Scotch  and  English  Land 
Bills.  Pot  (PRINCE  ARTHUR)  over- 
flows afresh  with  indignation.  Re- 
calls time  when  C.-B.  had  protested 
that  debate  under  shadow  of  guillo- 
tine reduces  Parliamentary  procedure 
to  a  farce. 

Of  course  it  does;  he  will  say  it 
again  when,  some  years  hence,  he  is 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Table,  and 
PRINCE  ARTHUR,  as  Leader  of  the 
House,  moves  similar  motion,  as  he 
was  accustomed  to  do  in  last  Parlia- 
ment. ASQUITH,  completing  domes- 
tic conversazione  by  presenting  him- 
self in  character  of  the  Broom,  swept 
clean  away  the  artificiality  of  the 
controversy. 

After  familiar  welcome  manner,  he 
in  few  short,  sharp  sentences  went 
to  heart  of  the  matter.  What  's 
the  use  of  crimination  and  recrimina- 
tion .'  The  simple  question  at  issue 
is,  Are  Grand  Committees  to  be 
regarded  as  integral  parts  of  the 
legislative  machine?  If  answer  be  in 
affirmative,  there  is  no  deliverance 
from  the  guillotine,  cither  for  Union- 
ists or  Liberal  Ministers.  Scotch 
Bill  had  been  twenty-two  days  before 
Grand  Committee,  sitting  for  the 
most  part  from  11  o'clock  in  the 
morning  till  five  in  the  afternoon. 


suffice,  let  them  shut  up  shop  and  go 
off  for  interminable  holiday. 

Refreshing  amidst  wasteful  war 
of  words  to  have  ASQUITH  looking  in. 
None  excels  him  in  the  art  of  com- 
pressing irrefutable  arguments  of 
plain  common  sense  into  phrases 
every  word  of  which  is  a  barbed 
point. 

But  what  is  the  use  of  it?  The 
grievance  is  that  Ministers  criminally 
withhold  opportunity  for  further  dis- 
cussing a  measure  wrestled  with  up- 
stairs through  more  than  four  weeks 
of  Parliamentary  time.  Well,  here 
was  a  sitting,  Bank  Holiday  to  wit, 
at  disposal  of  Members.  It  might, 
by  agreement,  have  been  added  to 
opportunity  for  discussing  the  Bill. 
What  happened  was  that  for  full  four 
hours  we  wrangled  round  question 
whether  we  should  or  should  not 
begin  to  deal  with  it  on  Report 
Stage.  Further  waste  of  time  pre- 
vented only  by  action  of  closure. 

Business  done.— Resolved,  that  to- 
morrow we  buckle-to  on  Report 
Stage  of  Scotch  Land  Bill. 

House  of  Lords,  Tuesday,  9  p.m. — 
For  four  hours  been  discussing  Irish 
Evicted  Tenants  Bill.  Peer  followed 
Peer,  successfully  dissembling  his 
love  for  the  measure.  Burning 
desire  to  kick  it  down  -  stairs. 


LANSDOWNE,  bland,  courteous,  cut- 
ting, suavely  says  "  No."  There  are 
more  ways  of  breaking  an  egg  than 
flinging  it  in  the  face  of  the  passing 
policeman.  As  he  told  them  some 
time  ago  in  respect  of  another  threat- 
ened conflict  with  other  House,  first 
duty  of  the  Lords  is  to  consider  their 
own  position.  If  they  are  coming  to 
grips  with  duly  elected  representa- 
tives of  the  People  let  them  carefully 
select  time  and  means.  If  they  chuck 
out  this  Bill  they  will  incur  charge 
of  arbitrary  conduct,  deliberately  in- 
viting quarrel.  Let  them  pass  the 
Second  Reading.  When  it  gets  into 
Committee  they  shall  go  as  they 
please.  In  these  circumstances  debate 
drifted  on.  Members,  mustering  in 
force  for  opening  speeches,  sallied 
forth.  A  KHAN  having  added  brief 
speech  to  chorus  of  denunciation, 
there  was  a  pause.  LORD  CHAN- 
CELLOR looked  round  ready  to  put  the 
question.  From  corner  of  second 
Bench  near  the  bar  uprose  a  little, 
spare,  grey-haired  man  with  strag- 
gling wisp  of  beard  that  looked  as  if 
it  had  long  been  struggling  against 
eviction.  Noble  lords  turned  to  look 
at  the  apparition. 

"Who's  this?" 

"  CLANRICARDE  !  "  someone  whis- 
pered. The  listless  audience  was  in- 
stantly transformed  into  ring  of 
eager  listeners. 

Through  thirty-three  years  HUBERT 
GEORGE  DE  BURGII  CANNING,  second 
Marquis  of  CLANRICARDE,  Baron 
DUNKELLIN,  VISCOUNT  BURKE  in  the 
Irish  Peerage,  Baron  SOMERHILL 
on  the  roll  of  the  United  King- 
dom, has  had  a  seat  in  the  House  of 
Lords.  For  full  twenty  years  he  has 
not  broken  its  silence.  Now,  with 


CLAKRICARDE  rp ! ! 
(An  authority  on  evictiona.) 


Ifl 


PUNCH.   OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13(>7- 


TEA  w.ni  J*roBT. 
Sir  XJ/r  <J  J.  "  Well.  Alphj  my  boy :  Men  throuKU  UIM  leni  of  min«  Uu«  if  one  ol 

the  gnratwt  hoooan  I  remember  1 " 

[Sir  Allrwl  J»coby  pablk-lj  inril*!  Mr.  Alpbeas  Cleo|hw  Morton  to  take  tern  with 
him  in  hi*  private  room.] 


this  fresh  attack  upon  property.  "  un- 
worthy  of  any  sane  Government 
accountable  lor  tha  liberties  of  a  free 
people."  hi<»  tongue  is  Ims.d 

A  bitter  gpeech,  which  clut 
attention  for  twenty  minutes.  Almost 
audible  grinding  of  tooth  as  he 
referred  to  "  stale  slanders  against 
land  owner*,  attempt*  to  paint  the 
ericted  U-nant  as  a  poor  injure.!  dar- 
ling. Sops  that  do  not  satiate  but 
only  whet  pr  A  querulous, 

tired  I  iiicli   stuiietiiiios  failed 

to  carry  full  measure  of  sentences  to 
the  strained  ear.  Midway  he  stopped. 
and.  fishing  out  of  his  pocket  n  small 
I- .till-,  drank  a  silent  toast  to  the 
health  of  tin-  I  •tnmissioners. 

To  '.(the  Commons, 

now.   like   Iliittimi.   translated,    there 
was  in  this  little  action  quaint  touch 
niniscenc  .  in  days  that 

are  no  more.  Mr.  O.  di* 
length  on  the  state  of  Ireland. 
.or  in  respect  of  Land  <-r  <  'hurch , 
be  was  wont  to  produce  his  home- 
made elixir  and  publicly  sip  it.  The 
historic  Pomn  »nd  this  tw..- 

ounce  phial  were  the  t< 
that  made   Cii.umT.'NK   and   Ci 
rutnr.  kin      P.   •  «  '•  i- 
they   said   about  the   Insh   auestioo 
when  their  voices  were  refresbr 
their  tongues  wagged  again  ! 

Ths  meagre  little  grey  man,  rising 


amid  the  stillness  of  a  nearly  empty 
House,  drew  no  response  to  his 
vehement  denunciation  of  the  peas- 
antry among  whom  he  does  not  live. 
He  sat  down  with  the  chilling  silence 
unbroken. 

A  smile  of  satisfaction  suffused 
decorous  countenance  of  Ixsader  of 
Opposition.  Where  would  tho  Party 
have  been  had  they,  after  this  out- 
burst, gone  into  the  division  lobby  to 
throw  out  Dill  on  Second  Reading? 
Admits  that  CLANKICARDR  has  done 
more  to  justify  his  tactics  than  was 
plishcd  by  his  own  speech, 
adroit  as  it  was. 

Ihminr**       done. — Irish       Ksicted 
Tenants  Bill  read  a  second  time. 

//>...  i  ''"mmons,  Friday. — Pro 
vailing    dulness    of    dying     R- 
not     been     appreciably     varied     by 
•  •    eruptions.     Time    was    when 
\\.      Imd     rushes    of    "bulls"     Hint 
wholesomely     stirred     monotony    ol 
the  china  simp     Tt  D  nut.-  i.nly 

n  couple;  oddly  eiioiiL-h  Ihi-y  («•!' 
each   other    :it    l>ri<-f    int.-r\al    within 
Iss*  few  days.      I.  •  r  I-  ml  t  '•  irmoiis 
rrintrihnti-d   in  ei|ii:d   proportion.     ( )| 
nil     men     it    was    TIM     Hi  u.v     that 

f  tin 

Hutter  and   Margarine  Hill  In-  r 
his   wrath    and   denounced   margarim 
as  "  a  fraud  that  walks  about  naked 
and  unashamed." 


l-'or    "  n  -iK-nt 

taphs  "   that    is   hard    to   1,,-at. 

i'.M.HH-ll    i'K     I '.IK 

i  in  another  place.  Scottit.li 
Small  Moldings  Hill  under  d. 
si, in.  Lord  CAMH:UI>OWX.  most  reti- 
cent .to  unwonted 
1-lo.niein-e  liy  •  <>f  fresh  ini- 
i|iiity  in  this  harden-  lative 
Imntling.  Hfiti.i  i'.n  nu.i'.rit,  fol- 
lowing, attrihiitcd  to  him  certain 
\MPI:UI>O\\N  <i 

"  The  noble  lord  shakes  his  !:• 
said  HI-UI.KIUII   HM.HTI;,  "and  I  am 
\ery  glail  to  hear  it." 

This  docs  not  come  up  to  tho  alti- 
tude of  (iiuxn  ('UORS  whilst  still 
with  us  in  the  Common*. 

"  I   hear  an   lion.    Me.nl..-r  smile," 
-aid.       st-  rnly       regarding      an 
irreverent   group  below  the 

(ire.-iaii  that  in  its  simplicity  and 
symmetry.  Hrm.Kir.n  i>  M.Korit.  con- 
sidering his  inches  and  his  girth, 
makes  an  exceedingly  good  second. 

litisiiu-xx  done.— Scotch  Land  Hill 
read  a  third  time. 


A  CHEAT  SKA-DOC.  ON   on: 

OKI: \TKST  NOVKLIST. 

INTERVIEW  WITH  I."in>  CHARLES  HniiKsronp. 

MR.  RAYMOND  HL.\TII\\  nr  I 
deserihed  Mr.  1  I.M.I.  C.MXK'S  m 
with  Lord  CII.MII.K-  iti>  in  Tin 

Chronicle,  and  Mr.  II  M.I.  < 
having  eulogised  the  Admiral  in  Tin 
Daily'  Mail,  Mr.  Punch  has  much 
pleasure  in  printing  the  following 
notes  of  o  conversation  with  his  re- 
presentative, in  which  Lord  Cn\ui.i:s 
records  his  impressions  of  tho  world- 
renowned  and  soul-shaking  tictionist. 

"  And  is  it  really  true,  Lord 
CHARLES,  that  you  had  never  met 
Mr.  IlAi.t.  CAIXK  before  Thursday, 
the  1st  of  August '.'  " 

"  Alas,  that  is  so,"  responded  tin- 
gallant     sca-dop,     furtively     wiping 
away  a  tear.     "  It  v\as  not  till 
past  sixty  that  I  enjoyed  the  price 
less  privilege  nf  i-onversing,   man  to 
man,   with   that   massive   and    'in. mi- 

ntal   genius.      As   long   as    I    live    1 

shall  c.-lehrate  the  anni \ersary. " 

"   \nd  how  did  he  irn: 

"Oh!  what  a  lirow,  what  an  intel- 
lect  !  \Vili  you  l.elievc  it.  the  man 
at  M'  .'  sighted  his  forehead 

hours   before    tin-    NL-    of    Mai 
which  it  was  situated,  was  visible  nt 
all." 

"  You    had,    of    course,    read    his 

"  I;. -ad    them!     Of   course.     \Vhy 
tln-y  arc- 
sions.      I  know  tlnni  hy  heart." 

"  And  which  is  your  favourite 
amongst  his  novels?  " 


AUGUST  14,  1907.] 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Blacksmith.  "Titt  KNOWS  'lit.    'E  WAS  T'MATOB  ONE  YEAR." 

OW  A/an.  "  NAT,  "E  NEVER  QOT  AS  'iait  AS  THAT.     'E  WOR  NOBBIT  EX-HATOR  ! " 


"  Well,  if  I  have  a  preference  it  is 
perhaps  for  The  Master  Atom,  but 
they  are  nil  unspeakably  dear  to  me. 
I  love  The  Treasure  of  Grceba  and 
God's  Good  Isle.  There  •  are  other 
writers  who  can  spin  a  lively  yarn, 
but  Mr.  HALL  CAINE  seems  to  me  to 
stand  alone  as  the  heir-apparent  of 
the  great  Elizabethan  dramatists 
who  gathered  up  the  confidence  of 
the  English  people,  and  held  their 
hearts  in  the  hollows  of  their  sinewy 
hands.  He's  a  punch." 

"  1  understand  that  Mr.  HALL 
CAINF.  reminded  you  in  appearance  of 
the  Vikings  who  sailed  the  Northern 
Seas  a  thousand  yenrs  ago." 

"  Well,  you  see  I  am  only  sixty- 
one  myself,  but  so  far  as  I  can  judge 
there  is  something  very  Vikingly  in 
his  aspect.  He  might  easily  be  mis- 
taken for  a  sailor  by  an  imaginative 
man.  At  times,  by  some  strange 
and  subtle  Shakspearean  association, 
he  reminded  me  of  Captain  BACON 
of  the  Dreadnought.  At  others  his 
resemblance  to  Captain  Kettle  was 
quite  overwhelming." 

Suppose  he  had  chosen  a  naval 
career?  " 


"  Ah  !  He  would  by  now  be  at 
the  top.  Nothing  could  stop  him. 
He  would  be  at  the  masthead." 

"  But  what  a  loss  to  literature!  " 
'  Yes,  indeed.  Had  he  been  a 
sailor  we  should  have  uo  Murder  of 
Dclicia." 

"  What  did  you  think  of  the 
speech  he  delivered  at  the  request  of 
Lord  RAGLAN  on  the  eve  of  the 
departure  of  the  warships?" 

"  Quite  the  most  formidable  oratori- 
cal effort  I  ever  heard.  The  bom- 
bardment of  Alexandria  was  child's 
play  compared  to  it.  To  do  it  justice 
I  cannot  do  better  than  adapt  the 
historic  tribute  to  AKTEMUS  WARD'S 
eloquence.  '  It  was  a  grand  scene, 
Mr.  HALL  CAINE  standing  on  the 
platform  talking ;  many  of  the  audi- 
ence sleeping  tranquilly  in  their 
seats ;  others  leaving  the  hall  and  not 
returning ;  others  crying  like  a  child 
at  some  of  the  jokes — all,  all  formed 
a  most  impressive  scene,  and  showed 
the  powers  of  this  remarkable 
orator.'  Personally  I  place  him  even 
above  BART  KENNEDY  and  T.  P. 

O'CONNOR." 

"  Did  you  see  Grceba  Castle?  " 


Yes,  and  I  have  never  beheld 
amongst  all  the  stately  homes  of 
England  anything  more  superbly 
baronial  than  this  magnificent  old 
feudal  pile,  unless  indeed  it  be  my 
ancestral  mansion  at  Blarney.  Even 
the  cat  is  perfectly  caparisoned,  and 
is  the  only  one  in  the  Isle  of  Man 
with  a  tail." 

"  You  were  hospitably  enter- 
tained?" 

"  Hospitably  isn't  the  word.  I 
might  have  been  a  publisher.  It  is 
true  that  the  portcullis  stuck,  but 
that  is  a  trifle.  The  drawbridge  too 
refused  to  draw  until  Mr.  HI.ATII- 
WAYT  oiled  it.  But  after  that ! 
Have  you  ever  tasted  Isle  of  Man 
champagne?  Wonderful !  Amazing  I  " 

Cricket  Candour. 

Heard  at  the  Oval:  "  Cricket  Year 
Book-Photos  of  Surrey  and  all  the 
first-class  teams." 


Secrets  of  Success. 
"  A  STEADY,  powerful  win  is  indis- 
pensable to  successful  yacht  racing." 

Globe. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


II.  1907. 


AN    AWKWARD    CASE. 

THIS  is  one  of  those  really  difficult 
seventh 


of 


quiir  "'I1'?  ni>s 


general     eonvatMtkia 

'•(?•  •  • 

Illillg      1 


about      the 
It    was    an 


••.,1   1    hml   packed   hur- 
:  ii,-  I. rushes  and  tilings  had 

t  1          A   I.  ... 


out  anyhow.  .is  BH   aos 

having  soap  wrapped  up  in 

Linesman's  "    nrtiel.-- 

-  thitik  that  things  wrapped  up 

look   so    horrible.)     There 

was  a  sha\ ing-brush  in  a  pink  piece 


to   >i  aders   what    A.    shou  a  unyhow.  and  they  cam.- 

m»e  d  f   reply    ' 

will  be  given  is  "  A.  should  hn\ 

are    unhesitatingly    in 

the  "  Antu-rr*  adjudged  i.i. 

The  thing  happened  in  the  train, 
while  I  was  returning  to 
town  after  a  couple  of 
nights  in  the  country. 
The  scene  — an  ei 
carriage,  myself  in  one 
corner.  On  the  seat  op- 
posite lay  my  dressing- 
!.  I  had  unlocked  it 
in  order  to  take  put  a 
book,  and  was  deep  in  this 
when  we  stopped  at  a  way- 
side station.  The  opening 
of  the  door  woke  me 
suddenly ;  somebody  was 
daring  to  get  into  my  com- 
partment. Luckily  only 
one — a  girl. 

Women    always    wish  tt 
travel   with   their  backs  i< 
the  engine;  in  case  of  an 
accident  you  don't  have  to 
change     your     seat, 
sat  down  next  to  my  bag. 
Naturally  I  jumped  up  (full 
of   politeness),    seized 
handle,   and   swung   it   up 
on  to  the  rack. 

That,  at  least,  was  the 
idea.  It  was  carried 
out  literally,  but  not  figu- 
ratively. The  bag  went 
up  beautifully ;  only— on 
iu  way  it  opened,  and  the 
contents  showered  down 
upon  the  seats,  the  floor, 
•id— yes,  even  upon  her. 

The  contents.  .  .  . 

This  story  shows  upon 
what  small  accident*  great 
evenU  turn.  If  I  had  onl 


instead  of  coming  back  I  A  clean  shirt 
or  two,  a  couple  of  snow-white  col- 
lars, a  pair  of  sky-blue  pyjamas  per- 
fectly creased,  socks  and  handk.-r 

-  neatly  folded— one  would  not 
have  minded  all  these  being  thrown 
before  a  stranger;  at  least,  not  so 
much.     Going,  too.  the  br 
things  would  hare  been  in 
per  compartn  y  \\mild  I. a-.. 

swung  up  on   :  -  the   r  .  •'».         I   feel 
convinced  that,  if  • 
petted  going,  I  should  • 
off     all     r  .  •  •         \V.       (-!.  ml  I 
laughed    toffi-' 

'  similar 

which  hu  and 

we  should  Iv. 


explain  to  her.     In  novels  the  h- 
always  throwing  upon  the  heroine  an 
e\pre.--i\e    glance,    full    of   meaning. 
That    is    what    I    wanted.     Tin  • 

. :.ly,    if    one    only    knew     it,     a 
shrill.  of    the    hand,    which 

.is   an    uhsurd    really  does  express  the  fact  that 
w.-re  comint;  and  not  going,  and  ; 
in     Tlif     Titni  If,     and     had 

packed   in  a  hurry,   and.   .    . 
If    I    could    only    have    hainl 
•nent   to   the    1'n-ss.    .    .    . 

And  I  have  yd  to  men- 
tion the  unkind. -st  blow  of 
all.  The  evening  clothes 

themselves,     the     . 

sentable   thin.  I    in 

the    bag.        I:     they     had 
come     out,     t  •    •  n     I 

might  have  done  some- 
thing. I  should  have  left 
them  to  the  last— con- 
spicuous u]M.n  the  floor. 
Then  I  should  have  picked 
them  up  slowly,  examined 
them,  and  nodded  at  the 
braid  on  the  trousers  as  if 
to  say,  "  Hang  it,  t ! 
the  sort  of  man  1  am 
really."  1  think,  if  they 
had  come  out  too,  1  could 
still  have  carried  the 
thing  off.  .  .  . 

\Vhat     should      A. 
Should  he  say   to  the  trirl, 

Close     ;  JM      and 

count  twenty,  and  see 
what  somebody  's  brought 
you,"  and  then,  while  she 
was  not  looking,  push  tin- 
clothes  under  the  seat.' 
Should  he  be  quite  calm. 
and,  stretching  in  front  of 
her.  say  "  My  sock,  I 
think,"  or  politely.  "  !'•  r- 
haps  you  would  care  to 
look  at  a  piece  of  Tin-  l><iily 
M,iH'.'"  Should  he  dis- 
own the  thing  altogether.' 
"  I  'm  very  sorry.  Let 
me  put  them  back  for 
'1  Hat  would  have  been  a 


M'E    «AT   WELL    MY,  '  FAUCT    JOE    WlU.UUK     DRAPER.'      I   REMEMBER 
VIDI   '»  WAI  A   LAD   'C  CUD  TO  'CtF   'lS  FATHER  WITH  TUK  WIIELU." 


of  Globe  lying  on  the  sky-blue 
pyjamas  (and  the  pyjamas  all  any- 
how). Then  the  collars.  I  do 
think  a  dirty  collar.  .  .  .  besides  1 
had  screwed  them  up  tightly  in 
order  to  get  them  in.  .  .  of  course, 


you 
master-stroke. 

Or  should  he,  to  divert  attention, 
pull  the  alarm,  and  pay  his  Im- 
pounds like  a  man'.' 

Hut  what  ,/!./  A.  do" 

Alas!  he  did  nothing  htroic.      I    r 
he  sto.,,1  then- ;  tln-n  In 


pulled    down     the    bag,    fell    on     his 


she  wouldn't  understand  that. 

Socks.     Now  this  is  too  awful.     I 

.I'.n't    ki.-.w    if    I    c.in    mention    tin-.. 

Well     well      then,      they      had      two   knrc-s,  and  liegiin  throwing  tin-  things 
•>-hed    sock-si!  •      lly       II  up   tin-  hag 

t.i  th-  in.       '  1    1,\.        lilaek 

] 


]    i  lea,  I  Im.l  e.  ,t  up 


a  hurry  and.   .   . 

Handkerchiefs.     They 

I     ill!.,    tl    e     pMlllps. 

md 


had 
1  ha<! 


**     ;  know,  there  were  ulioiit  thirty- 


;   it,   and  put   it   mi  the  rack. 


Then  In-  turned   tu  the  girl.     Now 

lie    \MIS    gMJiij.    to   have  KJiokeli    to    her 


An  a|Kiloj_'v,   a  laugh      \>s,   even 
he   mit,'lit    have  carried   it  off. 

Only   he   luippeiH  d   to  look  up. 
und   he  saw  the   curd  of  his  p\jama 


;  ••  of  the  rack. 


AUGOST  14,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


125 


BRIGANDAGE  FROM 
A  BUSINESS  POINT  OF  VIEW. 

[Although  we  cannot  supply  our  correspon- 
dent with  the  information  which  lie  desires,  we 
greatly  admire  his  idea.  Apparently  lie  has 
lighted  upon  a  new  solution  of  the  problem, 
"  What  shall  we  do  with  our  boys  ?  "] 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — Can  you  give 
rne  any  idea  ns  to  the  probable  cost 
of  setting  a  youth  up  in  business  as 
a  brigand?  My  eldest  son  is  about 
to  leave  school,  and  it  is  therefore 
necessary  for  me  to  arrive  at  an 
early  decision  ns  to  his  future.  The 
ordinary  professions,  as  you  are 
doubtless  aware,  are  somewhat  over- 
crowded; and  as  THOMAS  HENRY'S 
intellect  is  not  unduly  robust  I  am 
anxious  to  place  him  in  some  walk 
of  life  where  the  competition  is  not 
particularly  keen.  Under  the  circum- 
stances 1  have  arrived  at  the  con- 
clusion that  brigandage  would  be 
just  the  very  thing  for  him,  provided 
that  the  initial  outlay  were  not  be- 
vond  my  slender  means. 

The  work,  so  far  as  I  can  gather, 
is  light  and  pleasant,  whilst  the 
profits  appear  to  be  enormous. 

THOMAS  HTCNRY  himself  is  simply 
delighted  with  the  idea,  and  declares 
his  conviction  that  he  was  born  to  be 
a  brigand,  a  statement  which  has  the 
concurrence  of  quite  a  number  of  my 
immediate  neighbours.  I  have  always 
understood  that  a  natural  aptitude 
for  one's  occupation  is  more  than 
half  the  battle,  and  I  feel  that  my 
dear  son  would  quickly  find  himself 
on  the  high  road  (probably  in  a 
mountainous  district)  to  success.  The 
only  difficulty,  as  I  have  already 
hinted,  is  that  of  expense,  and  I 
should  bo  extremely  obliged  if  you 
could  give  me  any  information  on 
this  head.  I  take  it  that  an  appren- 
ticeship would  be  necessary.  If  I 
am  correct  in  this,  perhaps  you  can 
tell  me  what  the  premium  would  be. 
I  should  not,  of  course,  be  willing 
to  entrust  my  son's  future  to  a 
brigand  in  a  small  way  of  business, 
one  probably  addicted  to  drink  and 
in  the  habit  of  neglecting  his  pupils. 
At  the  moment  I  have  my  eye  on 
a  gentleman  named  RAISULI,  who 
appears  to  be  quite  one  of  the  lead- 
ing lights  of  the  profession.  What 
do  you  suppose  his  fee  would  be,  and 
can  you  recommend  him  ?  Possibly 
you  number  a  brigand  or  two 
amongst  your  own  personal  acquaint- 
ances? If  so,  you  might  be  willing 
to  give  me  nn  introduction,  a  favour 
which  I  should  appreciate  most 
highly. 

The  question  as  to  outfit  is  also  one 
upon  which  I  require  information. 


Kindly  Old  Gent.  "  DON'T  ILL  THOSE  PAPERS  HAKE  TOD  TIRED,  HT  DOT  ? " 
Little  Boy.  "  No.    I  DOESN'T  BEAD  'EJI,  SUB." 


Unless  my  memory  misleads  me,  the 
main  item  of  a  brigand's  costume  is 
a  green  velvet  jacket  with  a  two-inch 
tail,  whilst  certain  other  portions  of 
the  attire  consist  of  velvet  shorts  and 
complicated  bandages.  A  sugar-loaf 
hat  with  ribbons  of  all  colours  is,  I 
understand,  de  rigueur.  None  of 
these  articles,  however,  seems  likely 
to  entail  any  very  heavy  drain  upon 
my  purse,  and  I  take  it  that  if 
THOMAS  HENRY  bad  them  all  in 
triplicate  to  start  with  he  would  not 
require  more  than  one  complete  new 
suit  each  year  during  the  period  of 
his  probation.  He  would,  of  course, 
need  a  gun  and  a  few  ornamental 
weapons  for  the  waist-belt,  but  the 
cost  of  such  articles  should  not  be 
prohibitive. 

1  have  never  had  the  pleasure  of 
meeting  a  brigand  in  the  flesh;  but 


you,  Mr.  Punch,  with  your  wider 
experience,  will  doubtless  bo  fully 
posted  on  the  usages  of  this  profes- 
sion. Please,  therefore,  do  not  hesi- 
tate, when  replying  to  my  questions, 
to  add  any  hints  which  your  know- 
ledge of  the  subject  may  suggest. 
Yours  very  truly, 

FATKKKAMILIAS. 


WE  often  read  in  sporting  novels 
of  the  broken-down  bookie  who  is 
discovered  to  be  a  public-school  man. 
Here  seems  to  be  an  instance  in  real 
life  from  The  Daily  Telegraph  :— 

"The  High  Master  referral  to  the  distinctions 
which  had  fallen  to  old  Paulines.  The  li-4  «::* 
an  extraordinary  one  in  the  successes  of  life  by 
reason  of  its  variety.  They  had  first  place  in 
the  higher  Civil  Service,  wore  second  in  Wool- 
wich, and  first  out  oi  Sandown." 

This  last  even  looks  like  a  bit  of 
welshing. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(Dy  ilr.  P**A'i  Staff  of  Ltamed  Clerk*.) 

.iron't  allowed  to  look  »v.  r  other  peopl 
and  so.  when  ..  •'"'»  ls  ' 

oraolten  drawer  for  u*.  -•••:>  though  a  hundred 

sweetness  of  forbidden  fruit. 
'.. .  ;_,,...,,    • ,-  !;  /I,,  r.  i;  •.:<  •';  //..!?;.••  ••     '•  "^ 
....       ,,.,-..1  in  Germany,  and  grew   uj>  ii  to  • 
very  dutiful  young  man,  something  of  a  prig  and  n  trifle 
[•winded    ("  the    diurnal    revolutions    of   time    suffer 
vely  more  changes  than  what  are  brought  about  by 
the  Maaon*  and  the  state  of  the  weather  "  is  a  sentence 
x     -      •:•:.:!!    n.    i-  r-.  s, •!.  alboyi  Aori  •  f  son  •  » 
Sunday  nights),  but  his  letters  to  his  moth,  r  give  us 
lelightfull  sque  glimpses  of  the  England   that 

VRTE.  He  sees  it  through  spec- 
slightiv  Teutonic,  yet  rose-coloured  on  the  whole; 
••tnniiios  well  (his  drawings  are  reproduced);  is  no  mean 
nusical  critic;  and  has  much  to  say  of  the  opera  <>f  the 
x-riod.  But  alas,  poor  Scotland  1  '  The  sound  was 
ike  what  twenty  or  thirty 
tigs  would  make  who  were 
all  put  together  to  some 
terrible  torture.  Yet  I  saw 
some  Scotchmen  affected 
almost  to  tears."  The 
most  interesting  part  of 
the  book,  however,  is  per- 
haps the  last,  where  th<> 
ex -attachl  to  the  Court 
of  Cassel  is  seen  serving 
in  Portugal  with  the  1st 
Dragoons,  fresh  from  Pier 
Hill  Barracks.  One  can- 
not enough  admire  the 
son's  efforts  to  allay  his 
mother's  anxiety.  As  is 
always  the  case  with  inter- 
c  e  p  t  e  d  correspondence, 
there  is  much  that  is  dull 
(because  so  purely  per- 
sonal), and  a  great  deal  of 
repetition,  but  those  who 
care  for  a  leaf  from  the 


past  that  has  lost  neither  scent  nor  colour  in  the  keeping 
will  find  all  they  desire  in  these  memoirs. 

The  Marriage  Ltate  (HmiiiNSOM)  is  called  the  Story 
of  a  Social  Experiment,  but  there  is  more  social  ex  peri  - 

•  han  story  in  it.  In  an  imaginary  republic,  Azalea, 
founded  and  governed  on  scientific  principles,  a  Marriage 
Bill  is  introduced  which  legalises  a  change  of  partners 
every  three  years.  Mr.  FRANKFORT  MOORE  shows  how  it 
worked  in  this  particular  state.  The  greater  part  of  the 
book,  however,  is  given  up  to  the  opinions  of  the  various 
characters,  who  wonder  at  length  whether  the  Bill  will 
work,  and  explain  why  it  «fioulJ,  and  prophesy  what  will 
happy  if  it  docm't.  and  show  how  in  some  countries  it 
ho*.  Sometime*  Violet  say*,  "  1 

meaning."  and  then  Hattt  has  at  it  again,     (\\h-n 
a  character  says.  "  I  don't  quite  understand,"  or  "  I1 
explain,"  I  am  »!-  I   '  •  1  as  the  »• 

^  must  have  felt  in  the  play  wh.-n  th<-  C'h»n. 
lowly  aakt  *o?  "j  Mr.  afoot*,  an  usual,  lightens 

bis  story  with  epigram;  and  peoi.lc  who  collect  Fayinpn 

Fliuihen  of   Thought,"   anil    "  \Vi-dom    whi! 
Wait.  •  i   Thr  M'irriiige  Leate  care- 

fully.      Sometimes  he  in  v-ry  wise,  as  when  he  says, 


- — —.-11  — 

•'  Knowledge  of  us.  M  is  with  n  M  equivalent  • 

know                                >d    man.'  he    is   only 

smart.     "  A  bit  of  u  free-lanco— tho  pointed  bit  "  fails  to 
score  marks.  

Ferrily  (Mi  mrr.s)  is  a  story  in  which  surprise  mounts 
on  guri)r  .e  of  th,:  turns  ure  .-o  sudden  and  un- 

expected that  it  becomes  a  little  difficult  to  follow  them. 
All  the  principal  characters  are  madly  in  lo\e  with  some- 
Occasionally,  as  in  the  case  of  Irene  lltirth,  two 
grand  passions  are  cherished  at  the  same  time.  'I  he 
voiing  lady  was  indeed  engaged  to  bo  marri.  .1  to  />,  ril 
•:!<y  at'the  midnight  hour  when  she  was  secretly  pack- 
ing up  to  flee  with  his  cousin  /'aid.  This  and  other 
arrangements  were  upset  by  discovery  of  /'.  ril  /'.  rnly 
prone  on  his  back  in  his  sitting-room,  done  to  death. 
Suspicion  naturally  turned  upon  Paul,  with  whom,  apart 
from  complications  with  Irene,  he  had  had  a  long-stand- 
ing quarrel.  But  Mrs.  YmiE  CAMPBELL  is  equal  to  B\ 
ance  of  anything  so  commonplace.  The  murderer  was  a 
casual  outsider,  a  passing  visitor  in  tho  neighbour) 
a  gentleman  who  we  are  told  again  and  again  reflected 

fr. mi  brown  eyes  a  look  of 
dog-like  devotion,  and  was 
••gularly  pleasant."  !!•• 
made     it     extremely     un- 
pleasant for  Fcrrilnj,  whom 
he  found  unconscious  after 
a       drunken       fall,       and 
finished    off    by    placing    a 
wet  towel  over  his  mouth 
and  nostrils.       A/r.  /. 
Gisberne  (that  's  his  name) 
is      madly      in      love      with 
Daphne     Kstortl,    wl 
frantically    enan 
I'tlid  1'erriby.        Neverthe- 
less,   in    the    last   cha 
looking     into      A/r.      (!i»- 
iKTiie'i      brown      dog-liko 

she      propostv 
marry       him,       bestowing 
ii|K>n   him   her   ample    f.  .r- 
tuno.        1'rom     this     briel 
outline  it   will   be  gat! 
that    this     is     a     m..\  im. 

drama,  its  attraction  added  to  by  the  stage  being 
a  charming  old  English  Grange. 


DAY    DREAMS.    THE    ACTOR'S    HOLIDAY. 


In  The  Lodestar  (WARD,  LOCK  ft  Co.)  Mr.  MAX  I'i  M 
BERTON  has  employed  a  good  many  of  the  modern  melo 
dramatic  devices  which  take  tho  place  of  the  old  .; 
machind.      Such,    among   other    ingenuities    for    use    i; 
necessary,    are    the    mysterious    ubiquity    of    1'oland'h 
secret    societies,    and    tho    equally    i.>.;.  •  r.  r  ..u-,    oumi 
•>    of    Russia's    s  lice.     Sir.     MAX     I'i  M 

s     uses    these    last     with     n     lavishness    worthy 
of  their  best  traditions;  but  ho  P  MS  story  from  i 

commonplace  level  by  an  attention  to  the  detail  o 
character-painting  which  the  ordinary  melodramatic 
craftsman  wholly  lacks.  Ti 

departures  in  the  sensation  line.  That  network  of  under 
ground  passages  \  St.  James's  nnd  the  Hay 

market,  for  ii,  I  should  think  thnt  a  eurefulh 

1  maj)  of  the  system  would  have,  a  very  ex) 
private  Hale  among  novelists  and  the  criminal  <•' 
The  police  also  would  doubtless  take  a  few  copies. 

A  Good  Judge. 
FROM  a  school  report:  "  Spelling— week." 


AUGUST  21,  1907.J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIIK  ignorance  of  the  mass  of  the 
people  in  regard  to  things  nautical 
is  indeed  prodigious.  We  heard  a 
mail  in  the.  street  explaining,  the 
other  day,  that  a  war- vessel  which 
was  recently  in  collision  was  saved  by 

tier  water-tight  blockheads. 

*  * 

We  are  informed  that  the  state- 
ment which  may  lie  read  on  a  new 
type  of  electric  omnibus  now  to  be 
seen  in  our  streets, 

THE  LONDON  ELECTROBUS, 
has  no   reference   to  our   Poor   Law 
Guardians. 

V 

At  the  quarterly  meeting  of 
the  Oxfordshire  - 
County  Council 
it  was  resolved 
that  in  view  of 
tin-  very  serious 
damage  caused 
to  roads  in  the 
county  by  motors 
the  time  had 
now  arrived 
«licn  a  further 
substantial  tax 
should  be  levied 
on  them.  It  is 
thought  that  to 
give  practical 
effect  to  this  re- 
solution the  local 
magistrates  will 
be  requested  in 

future  to  fine 
all  motorists 
whether  they 
exceed  the  speed 
limit  or  not. 


land  of  perpetual  summer."  They 
have  chosen  a  peculiarly  unfortunate 
year  for  the  quest. 


*  * 


-Mr.  HENRY  A.  HHKKS,  the  Professor 
of  English  Literature  at  Yale  Unirer- 
sity,  declares  that  the  English  drama 
has  been  dead  for  nearly  two  cen- 
turies. We  had  thought  the  accusa- 
tion unjust  until  we  suddenly  remem- 
bered that  The  Belle  of  New  York 
and  The  Prince  of  Pilscn  were  both 
American  productions. 
*  * 

From  a  White  Paper  issued  by 
the  Board  of  Trade  wo  learn  that, 
while  in  1871  £9,558,000  was  spent 
on  1,237,000  paupers,  in  1906 
£16,741,000  was  spent  on  1,089,000 


v 

'  The   decision 


of  the  A  r  m  y 
Council  to  refuse 
official  sanction 
to  rifle  clubs  on 
licensed  premises  has  aroused  much 
indignation,"  says  a  contemporary. 
In  our  opinion  it  ought  to  be  for- 
bidden to  rifle  a  club,  no  matter 

\\hore  it  may  be  situate. 

*  * 

The  Emperor  of  KOREA  has  ap- 
proved the  sentence  of  hanging 
passed  by  the  Supreme  Court  upon 
Prince  Yi,  one  of  the  Korean  dele- 
gates tn  (be  Kague  Conference,  and 
the  sentences  of  imprisonment  for 
life  passed  upon  the  I'uiNi  i:'s  com- 
panions. The  delegates  are  now  in 
America,  and  you  really  cannot 

blame  them. 

*  * 

A  party  of  DpukbobOrs  have 
walked  a  distance  of  some  350  miles 
from  Swan  River  in  search  of  "a 


PHOTOGRAPHY    IN    THE    WILDERNESS. 


worm,      it.     is     said,      apologised      for 
arriving  Inte. 

*  * 

Sir  OSWALD  M.ISI.KY  has  offered  a 
penny  each  for  queen-wasps  t<.  pre- 
vent a  threatened  plague  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  Rollesti.n, 
Burton.  The  rumour  that  several  of 
the  royal  insects  have  come  in  volun- 
tarily and  claimed  their  pennies  is 
unconfirmed. 

V 

Among  the  prizes  offered  in  a 
bowling  competition  at  Yarmouth 
was  a  set  of  false  teeth.  This  would 
surely  have  been  a  more  useful  pri/e 
for  a  boxing  competition.  On  the 
other  hand,  it  may  be  that  the  marks- 
manship of  Yarmouth  bowlers  is 
known  to  be 
erratic.  - 


A  Waterford 
lady  has,  by  her 
will,  left  an  an- 
nuity of  right\ 
pounds  for  the 
support  of  lid 
two  favom  it  i 
dogs.  Since  the 
news  has  !>••.  n 
made  public  the 
fortunate  lega- 
tees have,  we 
hear,  been  pes- 
tered with  oilers 
of  marriage  ;  bin 
we  understand 
that  it  is  their 
intention  to  re- 
main single. 

v 

The  American 
Naval  Depart- 
ment is  consider- 
ing the  question 
of  a  new  and 


DISAPPOINTMENT  AND  DISGUST  OF  SNAPPITT  AND  POPLEIGH,  wno  HAVE   BEEN  STALKING   EACH 

OTHER   FOB   HOCUS. 


paupers.  It  is  good  to  know  that 
not  only  have  our  paupers  decreased 
in  numbers,  but  they  have  at  the 
same  time  increased  in  wealth. 


*  * 


A  Bill  for  the  more  rigid  inspection 
of  food,  particularly  canned  goods,  at 
the  ports  of  entry  will  shortly  be- 
come law.  We  only  hope  that  it  \\ill 
bo  somebody's  duty  to  see  that  the 
canned  food,  if  destroyed,  is  de- 
stroyed in  as  humane  a  manner  as 

possible. 

*  * 

The  report  of  the  Zoological 
Society  for  the  past  month  shows 
that  210  new  animals  arrived  •  at 
Regent's  Park.  Among  them  were  a 
slow-worm  and  a  lioness.  The  slow- 


more  appropri- 
ate dress  for 
American  blue- 
jackets, and  it  is  not  impossible  that 
a  neat  striped  and  starred  bathing 

costume  will  be  decided  on. 

*  * 

Answer  to  a  Correspondent: — A 
croquette,  we  believe,  is  a  female 
croquet  player. 


"  Leave  us  still  our  Old  Nobility." 

"  COULD  its  walls  but  speak  they 
could  tell  a  story.  .  .  of  the  fearless 
exploits  and  the  splendid  achieve- 
ments of  Scotland's  Old  Nobility. 
Here  it  was  that  a  Sonlis  was  rolled 
in  a  sheet  of  lead  and  boiled  in  a 
cauldron.  Here  a  Douglas  captured 
a  Ramsay  and  starved  him  to  death 
in  one  of  the  dungeons."— Dr«/n  r,s' 
Record. 


Ill 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Air.i>r  ?\,  1907. 


TO    A    FRIEND.    ABOUT    TO    MARRY    BEER. 
TBOMAS,  u  you  describe  i\> 

That  weaves  ir  heart  II.T  golden 

I  gather  she  in  I'hiiintine  of  f.-..- 

But  in  her  convene  strangely  $f>irit»elU; 
Her  figure  may  be  sketchy,  but  in  m-  ntal 

And  moral  grace*  the  '•  a  flawless  i< 
And  to  toe  art*  of  forty  adds  a  rental 

a  bloated  earl. 

My  boy,  I  do  not  here  propose  to  pat 

Your  very  pardonable  sol (-»•«(. 
Nor,  on  the  other  hand,  to  throw  a  damper 

Over  the  dav  un  ; 

I  paaa  no  comment  on  the  kituntimi 

Save  to  extract  fmm  memory's  mouldy  stores 
A  case  that  fell  within  my  observation 
Analagous  to  yours. 

H.  .  too,  that  other  pauper,  nursed  a  passion 

IW  mi.-  whose  shekels  matched  the  shower  of  Jove  ; 

!!<•  thought  to  live  a  life  of  Inn  and  fashion 
Wed  to  the  purple — or,  at  least,  the  mauve. 

What  happened?     Halfway  through  the  moon  of  honey 
He  had  become  the  queen-bee's  humble  drone, 

And  failed  to  touch  sufficient  ready-money 
To  call  his  soul  his  own. 

In  clear  and  hell-like  notes  that  wouldn't  falter, 

t  though  the  parson  twitched  a  dubious  brow, 
He  had  informed  his  heiress  at  the  altar : 

"  WITH  ALL  MY  WORLDLY  GOODS  I  TIIKK  KNIX.W." 
Whereas  'twas  she  who  bought  his  youth  and  beauty, 

Paid  for  'em  like  a  man — or  $aid  she  'd  pay, 
And  shifted  onto  him  the  wifely  duly 

To  "  honour  and  obey." 

My  hoy,  I  mention  this  by  way  of  warning, 
hat  you  have  an  eye  for  filthy  pelf: 
You  love  the  lady  for  her  mind's  adornii 

I  'm  sure  you  love  her  solely  for  herself: 
Y- 1    THOMAS,  since  the  human  heart  is  fickle 

And  verbal  promises  are  often  trash, 
Srr  thai  you  nave  a  trttlrmmt,  and  ttirklc 

For  tomctltimj  nnmd  in  ca»h. 


O.  S. 


SPORTSMEN    I    HAVE    KNOWN. 
SOMEOXE,  an  admirable  man,  has  sent  me  a  brace  of 
grouse.     It  is  a  noble  j,ift,  for  beyond  its  own  intrinsic 
delights,  lit  store  of  rich  and  juicy  food,  it  has  the 
of    Biting    mo    out  of    London,    of    sending    my    spirit 
spinning  to  tho  North,  though  my  material  body  remaini 

the  clutched  of  the  might v  monster  that  B] 
its  vast  limbs  through  Middlesex  and  Surrey.     I  too  will 
be  off  to  the  moon. 

It  fs  the  cheapest  trip  in  the  world.     No  packing  has 

broke.  ng  has  been  loaded  ,,i,  t.,  a 

t  has  been  struggled  for;  no  seat  has  been 

occupied  in  any  train;  no  night  hax  I  •  it,  n  ,\,.\n. 

•ion  of  sleep  while  the  train  ro  ,t   Mogg  or 

nimbi-  York  station.       All  I  hav, 

waa  to  shake  out  my  wings;  and  soaring  through  the 

window,  and  out  and  up  athwart  th.  kv,  in 

li  moor. 

"  ••>-  ma,,."     The 

'••••  n  ri-c*  w  half  lifted       l|ls 

anxious  eyes  t«.  look  «t  u<1  t.,  „.•«•  if  we 

»  coming.       Make  on  quietly.  Sir,"  says  SAM.V.    Two 


third,    a    careful     fourth      rattle-clatter, 
cockle-cockle      bang,    bang,    ai-.d    away   they    go  o\«-r   the 
v  aii. I   .  \.-r  the  hill,  down   into  th.-   \all.-y   and   up 
the    lull    bey. .n. I.    as    n..h|.-    a    lot    t>f    Im-t  r  kil.. 

leiiecl    tl  .  -Ismail.        "  ( )iie  's    down, 

Sir,"  wlusp.rs  Svvnv,  "  and  another  's  hard  hit.  There 
ho  goes  towering."  T'pwar.l  and  in  the 

bird:  hi  foils  his  fluttering  wings  and  down 

he   drops    In  .m   the   sky    two   hundred  .      "  \ 

good  beginning.  Sir,"  allows  S\xn\.  "If  you'll  be 
shooting  as  well  the  whole  day  through  you  'H  hit  • 

f  th.-m." 

Now  M  the  hi:  ,|.i\   ,,r  on 

another'.'  I  am  not  sure,  but  I  know  I  am  in  my  butt, 
and  JACK  is  in  the  right-hand  butt,  and  the  old  gentle- 
man is  on  the  left.  \  safe  an  ; 

gentleman.        No  amount   of   walking    tires    |,,ni.        II. 
climbs  the  hills  like  a  two  year-old       A  quarter  of  an  hour 
or  so  suflices  him  for  lunch.      "  I  'm  not  sure."  h 
"about  the  beauty  of  all  this  driving.      I   lik- 
dogs  work."       The  old  ilmps 

'•lion.  .1.    and    JACK,     his    son,    smiles    indulgently. 
'  You  can't  deny,  father,"  1  driven 

bird  gives  you   better  sport.      It  's  a   harder  bird   to   hit 
Besides,  you  get  a  better  stock  of  birds  on  the  n:.>or  with 
driving."     The  old  gentleman  acquit  Hit   them, 

JACKY  my  man,"  he  leplies,  "and  I'll  fon-i\.-  you." 
But  I  forg. il  :  I  am  in  my  butt. 

What  are  those  dark  specks  in  the  .list  inc.- '.'  T: 
n  warning  whistle  from  JACK.  The  birds  are  coming. 
Lie  down,  Ben,  old  dog;  there  '11  be  work  for  you  if  tin- 
luck  is  with  us.  How  silently  they  come,  larger  and 
larger,  looming  up  portentously  over  the  heather. 
Swoop !  The  guns  have  gone  off  and  the  birds  arc  grow- 
ing dim  on  the  sky-line  in  our  rear.  One  bird  to  me. 
two  to  the  old  pent!,  man.  and  two  empty  cartridges,  but 
not  a  bird,  to  JACK.  JACK  mutters  something  about  the 
sun.  "  The  sun  shines  on  the  just  and  the  unjust. 
TACKY,"  says  the  old  gentleman.  "  L.-a-.e  him  out  of 
the  question,  and  hold  your  gun  straight,  man.  1  'II 
warrant  you  were  a  yard  behind  that  t'u>t  bud." 

And  now  we  are  trudging  home,  tir.-.l  but  triumphant. 
Four  good  miles  wo  have  got  to  go — but  who 
We  have,  had  a  great  day.  S\M.Y  is  satisfied;  the  old 
gentleman  swings  along  us  if  he  could  swing  for  fifty 
miles  instead  of  four.  JACK  has  redeemed  himself  by 
*omo  first-rate  shooting.  I '.en,  the  ivtne\er.  paces 
!•  us.  We  shall  dine  greatly:  we  shall  talk,  ami 
then  we  shall  sleep  without  i  r  dreaming.  Is 

there  anything  like  n  day  on  the  moors  for  health  and 
lelight  .'  If  there  is  I  don't  know 

What    was    that?        Boom— boom.        Midnight    from 
Big  Ben.      It  's  time  to  go  to  bed  in  London. 

Tin:  Cuiiard   Company   spaivs   no   pains   to  bring   facts 
..mo   to  the    British   public.       On.-   could   conceive   a 
selfish  director,  secure  in  the  knowledge  of  what   (IH.IHMi 
lorse. power   meant,   unwilling   to   share   the   secret   with 
iis  sharehold.is.        Not   so  with  the  Cunard   Line,  ns  an 
et    from   their  booklet   on   the   l.uxit,ini<i   will   show, 
plaining  that    the  -,.  rotated   by  engines 

'"Hi  liors.  it  K(x>8  on — 

••r  w.»nin,  t'  tk  il-tno  l.v  ll.e  onflinPH 

•.-.-I    i.-.'l  In  t..il 
ul.il,.,    if 

ntMMd  twenty  alircsint,  tlicro  would  be  mi  fu"or  tl.. 
wwerful  homes." 

This  last  is  a  wonderful  thought,  as  well  as  a  strong 
)it  of  arithnv 


AUGUST  21,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


131 


WILD    LIFE    ON    THE    MOORS. 

Cheerful  Terror.  "I  SAY,  HAVE  YOU  SEEN  THESE  NEW  SAFETY  WHATYECAU.EMS ?     I  MEAN  T'SAY  MY  GUN'S  LOADED,  BUT  I  CAN  oo  ON 
PULLIN'  THE  TBICQER  LIKE  FUN,  AND  IT  WON'T  oo  OFF.    SEE?" 


SAEAH'S    EXAMPLE. 

SARAH  BKUNHARDT'S  account  of 
her  holiday  routine  at  Annecy,  in 
France,  has  inspired  several  English 
actresses  to  equal  efforts  to  attain 
what  the  divine  one  calls  rest  by 
exhaustion.  This  is  SARAH'S  bill  of 
fare  every  day:— "In  all  weathers, 
up  between  five  and  six.  Shooting 
immediately.  Eight  A.M.,  back  home  ; 
gun  exchanged  for  fishing-net,  and 
I  go  shrimping.  Eleven  A.M.,  bath 
and  toilette.  Twelve-thirty  P.M., 
lunch.  After  lunch,  siesta,  lying  on 
a  wicker  sofa  against  the  fort.  Then 
to  work  in  the  studio,  reading  manu- 
scripts, learning  parts,  or  using  the 
sculptor's  chisel.  At  five,  tennis. 
Then  dinner,  then  music,  then  bed; 
and  we  (for  Madame  generally  has 
her  castle  full  of  guests)  begin  all 
over  again." 

Miss  JULIA  NEILSON,  who  is  im- 
mensely impressed  by  her  French 
colleague's  activity,  has  drawn  up 
the  following  programme  :—  "  In  all 
weathers,  up  between  four  and  five 
A.M.  Walk  to  Brighton  before 


breakfast.  Nine  A.M.,  back  home; 
walking  dress  exchanged  for  gym- 
nastic costume,  and  I  go  long-jump- 
ing on  the  lawn.  Twelve  noon, 
lunch  in  the  pimpernel  pleasaunce. 
After  lunch,  siesta  in  a  chaise-longue. 
At  three  P.M.,  exercise  on  the  cin- 
der track,  hurdle  racing  (three 
strides),  and  throwing  the  hammer. 
At  five,  high  tea.  Then  to  work  in 
the  gymnasium :  punching  the  ball, 
lifting  the  grand  piano  with  Mr. 
TERRY  at  the  keyboard.  Then  dinner; 
then  leaping  the  billiard  table.  At 
ten  P.M.  I  give  the  lions  their  supper, 
and  so  to  bed." 

The  Misses  ZKNA  and  PHYLLIS 
DARE  plead  guilty  to  excessive 
strenuosity.  Their  trivial  round  runs 
thus  :  — 

6.0  A.M.  Rise. 

6.30.  First  sitting  with  the  photo- 
grapher alone. 

7.0.  Family  group. 

8.0.  Breakfast. 

9.0.  Photographed  for  the  Tetch. 

9.30.   Photographed  for  the  Hkutlcr. 

10.0.  Photographed    for   the 


10.30.  Family  group,  all  standing 
on  gates. 

11.0.  Sandow  exercises  (with  photo- 
graphs). 

11.30.  Photographed  for  picture 
post-cards. 

12.0.  liehearsal  of  new  parts  in 
The  Camera  Girl. 

1.0  P.M.  Photographed  at  lunch. 

2.0.  Photographed  in  a  motor  car. 

2.30.  Sign  autograph  albums  for 
undergraduates. 

3.30.  Photographed  with  father. 

4.0.   Photographed  with  mother. 

4.30.  Photographed  with  brother. 
Light  getting  bad. 

5.0.  Tea  interval. 

5.30.  Answer  letters  from  under- 
graduates and  crowned  heads. 

7.0.  Dress  for  dinner. 

8.0.  Photographed  at  dinner  by 
magnesium  light. 

9.30.  Family  prayers  (with  cine- 
matograph). 

10.0.  Photographed  savin;.'  <i<«><l 
night  to  father,  mother  and  brother, 
all  standing  on  the  pillars  of  the  per- 
gola in  the  limelight. 


THE    M.C.C.    TEAM. 

From   Our  Special  Corr,  .- 
Mf  Afo«<fcy.— 1  am  pri 
make  the  official  announce^,  nt  Unit 
is   now   quite    uncert  ,  ••    whether 
iv  will  accompany  the  team  t<. 
The   M.C.C.  are 

niich  hur  >   has  »ot  "" 

wered  their  lust  letter;  and,  us  thoj 
mint  out,  it  is  certainly  his  tvirn  to 
rrite.  1»  t!  of  thi-  > 

poodence    between    tln-m    dropping 
altogether,    Mr.    1'unrh    will    be    the 
irst  t<-  mil-mi  his  readers  <-f  tin-  fart. 
./ny.-Tli.  .1     of 

3O8WBLL.  tin-  popular  Northampton' 

re  t"  accept   the  iiiMla- 

tion  •  t<>  hint  tins  I 

rally  his  dissatisfy 

with   tli<-   terms  offered,    % 
togettu-r  with  expenses,   allowa: 
tips,  gratuities,  bonuses,  and  wash 
ing.   This  is  entirely  wrong,  and  does 
hat   player  a  great   injustice.     The 
strongest    possible    family    reasons, 
which  I  am  not  at  liberty  to  mention, 
seep  him  in  England ;  while  the  fact 
that    when    on    tin-    scu    he    suffers 
aciiteU  fri'in  inal-ilf-mrr  must  not  be 
crlook.  .1.      Mt.r.  -o\er,  loyalty  to  his 
native    county    is    another    deciding 
Factor,  he  being  of  opinion  that,  ufu-r 
a  hard  season  in  tin-  Colonies  on  be- 
lialf  of   England,    he   would   not   be 
in  a  condition  to  do  himself  justi.-i 
in    Northamptonshire's    engagements 
next   year,      llowcxer.   if  toe   M.C.C 
saw  their  way  to  offering  £500,  it  is 
quite   possible  thut   these  difficulties 
could  be  oven-' 

The   case   of    BKXSKIS.    tlie    well 
known  Leicestershire  l>owler,  is  quite 
different,      lie  has  a  large  intcre-t  ii 
the  "  Ja~  l.in  Almond  Hock 

Company,"  and  it  woulil  lie  inimica 
to  the  In-st  interests  of  the  firm  if  lit 
iiwiiy  f"r  MM  extended  |x-riod 
It  has  l><  •  n  hint,  d  that  the  name  o 
the  famous  county  player  is  all  tint 
is  wanted  to  EMU  UK  company 
auooeee,  and  that  In-  o  in 

Australia  would,  hy  keeping  his  liam 
before  the  public,  he  actually  an  ad 
vantage  t<>  the  firm.     This  is  quite 
mistaken  idea.     I'.i  NSKIN  him  n 
control  of  the  business,  and  it  is  re 
vealing  no  trade  secret   when  I  sa. 
that 

almonds  in.      At  the  same  tn 
agrees    with    HI-XWKLL   thut    if    t)i 

•i  had  I- 
might  have  been  *u 

•f     II  •  ilin  *>lnti       '!  I.-      imiliilit 
of     Su.viKi.-Mk     of     Miiiiinoiith     t 
make  the  trip 
disri;  'it  in  Australian  circles 


)ur     ^ 

,:iciul 

naturally  h« -ini:  ev,  rv- 

,r,l    i-f   Control    lire   of 

.  ask 

the  tour  alto- 

Wllh     Hl.NSMN,     Hi    >W  I.I.I. 

h  all  nnuhlf  to  go,  and 
r.ihtful     they  cannot   guar- 
I  whutever. 

t  Thursday.— The  ditVicult 

ry     hour. 
,ato  last  night  came  the  news  that 

•  Lii  was    unuhle    t-.    :. 

in    invitation,    and    need!, 
he  announcement  caused  a  profound 
,•!,.. m   in  the  City.        It   may  not  be 

•ally  known  that  this  nmn-ili 
\uerrc  conceal-,  the  identity  of  an  ex 
remely  well-known  cricketer,  and  his 
on  the  side  would  have 
indoubtciily  strengthened  both  the 
uitting  and  the  Iniwling. 

Next   Friday.— The  hit.-st    news  is 
,hat  HIUBKKT  (Lines.)  has  been  pre- 
vailed  U|M>II  t«>  accept.      His  attitiuh 
it    first    was    thut    nothing    thut    hi 
night  do  in  Australia  could  possibly 
mike  his  reputation  greater  than  it  is 
low,  and  that,  on  the  other  hand,  he 
night,  through  ill-health  or  ill-luck 
'ail  to  do  himself  justice,  and  so  spoi 
:iis  record.       It  wus  pointed  out   ti 
mi,  that  similar  arguments  had  noi 
unwilled  HIIIST  and  HAYWARD  play- 
ing  against    I  lerbyshire,   or   (to  take 
mother  parallel)  Lord  HOHKKTS  going 
to  South  Africa;  and  after  much  con- 
sideration he  consented  to  withdraw 
liis  refusal.     The  following  additional 
names,   therefore,   have  to  be  added 
to  the  list  of  last  week  :  — 

J>,,t,ijful  if  a«ked 
\V.<;.(!»ACB 

DTCAT 

Si  i  u.i  SsooK 

Neil    Saturday.— After    weeks   of 

waiting  <  !M  hit»iM;i:u  has  decide, 1  to 
make  the  journey,  lie  has  been  in 
daily  correspondence  with  the  M.C.C. 
.  and  his  last  letter  announced 
that  he  Would  be  coming  U)  town  on 
the  lle\t  day,  and  hoped  to  see  tllelll. 

Mr.    ].\i  i.v    immediately    wired,    "If 

•     tlow.-r    in    buttonhol 
that  I  shall  know  at  once.    FRANK  "; 
and  great  was  the  excitement   when 
the   popular  stumper    was    .  •  •,    ap- 
proaching   the   pavilion   with    an    im 

••    hunch    of    sweet     peas    ill    his 

I    b--   con 

i     settled. 

.'  .  ,       <  iur    Svdi 

dent    oabwa:    "Immense   exciti  ment 

here   at   news   that   (l.M  KlioixiKK   will 

(iiiuruntei:       inert  :is--d       to 

t.          1-JM. 

Crowds  parading  the  city." 


A    PROBLEM    IN    GLOVES. 

[Small  Kami*  nre  Mid  lo  be  "<li»apr*ariiig." 
u  •  rr*ull  of  the  modern  girl'v 


WIII.N  1'i.i.u     latest  of  my  loves — 
l';-tuil.,.l   my   afternoon   rcjioue 

\nd  thereby  claimed  u  pair  of  | 
(The  petal  of  a  falling  rose 

Fluttered     my     lips),     1     thought     it 

aheap, 

that   I   was  nut   u.-lci  p. 


Hut   tlio    she  c«>me>  nf  gi-ntle  hlood 

M\    I>I:I.IA  shares  the  nnxlern   fad 
Fur  pastimes  of  the  field  and   tl<»>d. 
A    |Miint    on    which    she  's    rutlii  i 

mud, 

And  1  H.i.u's  1  -hapely  pair, 

No     douht,      hut     still,      \ou      know 
they  're  then-. 

And  gludly  tho'  I  own  the  deht 
It  still  remains  unpaid  :  I  ki. 

I  low  many  huttons,  what   i 

In  Buch-and-sueli,   aiul   sc,  alid-SO, 

!   i.i  ;   hut    I    i-an't   de\ 

II  m.-   f>  r  L-'-ttin^'  at   her  |U 


Actffitd    I       L'ffuffd 

HIIIIEIT  |     lit -.-us 

(Lincs>  I      l!i -»i  1 1 

MI  i- 


A  ,-andid  spirit   i  such  as  minei 
Would  lean  to  sevens  and  a  bit; 

Hut  then-  politeness  draws  the  line; 
Hesides,    suppose    they    didn't    tit 

Or    Worse,     suppose     they     </n/  ' 
heavens. 

She  'd  never  own  to  wearing  sc-. 

Yet   sixes      here  |Militeness  errs: 
The  compliment  itself  is  thin  ; 
Indeed,  with  such  a  hand  as  hers. 
She  'd   think    1   meant    to   "  rub   it 

in  "; 
Besides,    thev  'd    split;    she   couldn't 

fail 
To  think  I  bought,  them  at  a  sale. 

But  clearly  something  must  he  done. 

It  's    plain    that    I    must    face    the 

task, 
And  probably  il  's  ten  to  one 

That   I  p>  wrong,  and  vet  to  ask 
Would  be  deplorably  uncouth, 
Nor  would  the  lady'  tell  the  truth. 

Hut  wait:  I  h  Happy  touch! 

I  'II  order      sent   to  /icr  uddr- 
"Gloves    so-and-so,    and    such-and- 
such, 
And  "     blot  ;    and    there    the    shop 

must   gir 
And,    if   it  's   wrong,   why,    then   the 

•hop 
And  DI:LIA  can  urrutigc  a  swop. 

Ill   M    J>fM. 

FROM     it     Huckingliamshire     sign 
board  :- 
"Saracen'n  IU-a-1.     r.itn.niM-.l  l,y  It,,yrihy." 

Woulil     this     be     our    old     frienl, 
BlOHABD 


AUGUST  21,  1907.] 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MORE  LITERARY  HELP. 

[With 


to  "  T.  P.'g  Weekly."] 

MR.  PUNCH  will  bo  pleased  to  giv 
reliable  criticisms  of  bis  renders'  liter 
nry  outbreaks  at  the  undermentionei 
figures  :  — 

FICTION.  --£'5  per  yard. 

GENERAL    LITERATURE.  —  According 
to  merit. 

(Minimum  charge  of  £10.) 

VERSE.—  The  charge  for  this  to  b< 
entirely  at  the  Editor's  discretion 
£100  to  be  deposited  with  each  poem 
Epics  barred. 


"IRIS."    -Your    June    Idil    (Urn 
should  be  spelt  "  Idyll  ")  is  lacking 
in  observation.     For  instance,  the 
frain — 

Rattling  in  the  sunlight, 
r.athinj;  in  the  sunlight, 
1'nthing  in  the  sunlight 
From  eve  to  dewy  morn — 

could  never  have  been  written  had 
you  given  the  matter  a  moment's 
thought.  We  do  not  think  that  any 
of  the  periodicals  would  accept  your 
poem,  but  a  well-known  soap  firm 
might  use  it  for  advertising  purposes. 

'  M.U.G." — Your  essay  A  Day  in 
ihc  Country  displays  a  nice  appre- 
ciation of  the  beauties  of  nature. 
The  subject,  however,  is  one  that  has 
been  treated  too  often  to  find  a  ready 
market,  and  you  also  make  several 
errors  in  composition.  "  As  she 
stood  picking  apples  with  dreamy 
eyes  and  tightly  pressed  lips,  she 
looked  like  some  sweet  spirit  drawn 
from  the  wood,"  is  a  little  mixed. 
Did  she  gather  the  apples  with  her 
eyes  and  lips,  or  had  the  apples  she 
gathered  eyes  and  lips,  or  what,'.' 
Further,  is  the  maiden  supposed  to 
be  like  a  wood  nymph  or  a  beverage? 
It  is  always  advisable  to  make  your- 
self understood.  If  you  observe  this, 
and  choose  an  original  subject  of 
great  interest,  and  develop  an  indi- 
vidual style,  you  may  write  some- 
thing of  distinction.  The  magazines 
might  then  take  your  work;  on  the 
other  hand,  they  might  not.  The 
best  way  to  find  out  is  to  write  and 
ask  them.  Do  not  be  disappointed  if 
your  manuscript  is  returned ;  you  will 

luckier  than  many  authors. 

"  DETERMINED."— You  lay  great 
stress  on  your  request  that  our  criti- 
cism shall  be  quite  candid,  so  for 
once  we  will  make  it  so.  H'niA/cs 
on  the  Beach,  then,  is  deficient  in 
';hat  coherency  and  grip  that  go  to 
.he  making  of  a  good  story.  After 
-he  little  boy  had  rescued  his  sister 
rom  the.  waves,  you  say  "  an  enthu- 


Jle.  "MABEL,  TOD  onow  MODE  BEAUTIFUL  EVEBY  DAT." 
She  (pleased).  "  Ou,  JACK,  Ton  DO  EXAOGEIUTE  !  " 
He.  "  WELL,  THEN,  ETEBT  OTIIEB  DAT." 


iastic  and  sympathetic  crowd  show- 
:red  pennies  and  oranges  upon  him, 
*'hich  he  proceeded  to  eat  quite  un- 
oncernedly."  From  this  point  we 
annot  follow  your  characters  clearly. 
Your  manuscript  is  not  numbered,  so 
'Ossibly  there  is  a  page  missing, 
vhich  might  make  a  difference.  Per- 
cvere.  Several  of  your  words  are 
pelt  quite  correctly. 

'  PIXIE." — Your  little  dog's  tale  is 
uite  charming  in  its  wistfulness. 
Jut  wo  think  it  wants  cutting. 


"J.  S.  H."— Helping  shows  that 
you  have  a  tender  heart. 

I -ot  us  always  help  each  other. 

Or  at  least  let 's  try, 
Helping  father,  friend  and  mother, 
Rates  man  in  this  life  high. 

The  sentiment  of  this  is  praise- 
worthy, but  the  final  line  is  lacking 
in  liquid  movement.  Don't  try 
again. 

If  "IOTA,"  "  JUMBO,"  and 
"  HOPEFUL  "  let  us  have  their  full 
names  and  addresses  we  will  at  once 
communicate  with  the  authorities. 


1  I 


PUNCH,  OR   TIIK    l.nNDQN   CHARIVARI. 


OUTSIDE 


OPINIONS. 

.  <1 


if  PJ  3"  A.M. 


•(   .'/  11   If 


thf   la 

9,OUf 


••   i»  a 

.    I'oiitl'  r. 
On    tin- 
nn  II. 

'      ' 


<(    tail   hut,    .1 
f,  and  Itnht  Iroiiscrx,   <m<l 

lanti-rn  !  'ij  traditional 


puriH'ff.      /' 

mj  Miii/.    and  .1   tloitrixh   .•/ 

;,i'»  'r.'in   </i.-   m.  nl'//  .vfruin  »o 

/or  at  to  *k<trh  •  i'x  mi  f'«    /'.M-iminf. 

.n    /..../.-    on    IIII/M.-MI-./I/, 
ifi/  .MI/   n/  ;./•  .in/   "N'   rdi7- 

iw«>  '  -  'V  '"'" 

m.  ./ 


nigrt, 
of  «•> 

m. mi/  >l   ri.  ir  n/  //i. 
T.I//    Foiifm.in    if.>    < 


'ix.      .liiof/icr  Kwni 
'.  ii  in  /i.i 

Nothing    more    d»in' 


1  t.     What  J.HI  may  .-all  tin-  \Vind  uj>,  this  is. 
,r  in  irag).   And  tihte,  too,  for  some  oi 'em.     I 
know  my  I  >is  in-ar  riinnin'  down  as  it 


noli,-,-  ',T  ill  MI;  IIP-  »  tl<>\\.  T'.'     Sli.-  did     <'ii'y  it  fell  in  tho 


J  -ii  'd  h.-tt.-r 

it1 

/•'  /'.    It    would    on'v    encourap- 


th.- 


and  ai 


'ope 


In-  has  turned    'IT  nh- 

:  ell      Sin-    has   already    divin.-d    that 

r    \oiith    who    has    won    Yr    'art    is    pcrlifjlr 

Allot! 

liirl.    (Hi,  you  .in-  a Then-  's  '  -.-and 

hroke  off  ipii't.-  sudden.      What  's  that   for  ' 

You  may   w.-ll  ar-K.       \t    that    pn-.-i-.i-  moment    a 
•iped     from     he\ind     a     mawhlc 

column,    and.    throwing    hack    tin-    'eavy    \.-il    which    oh- 
sciir.-d  In  r  f.-atur.-s.  exclaim. -d  :    "  Sir  -I  AKSI-KK.   'av.-  you 
tin"  for  the  wife  your  vill  -u.-d  to  a  livin' 

th?  "     On  which   Sir'  .1  AUSI-KK,  n- 

hack    on    thr    hand    in    a    fit      which    accounts    for    their 
l.-avin'  off  so  ahrup'.      ( >r  rise  a  sluicc-'ound  if  t' 
in   tin-  di-i/nise  of  ;i   Klu.-    Bulgarian    'as  sprung  forward 
and  arn-ti'd   a    \'i-c..unt   for  murderin'   his  mother-iii-lor 
the   Marshin.-ss  hy  choppin'  r  "   into  In  r    I 

''irr  way.    I   shouldn't   he  surprised   if  it   hiok.- 
up  the  part  v. 

fi'i'i/.   Oh,  do  tor!  And  yfl 


the  hand  's  just   struck  ii|i 

/•'./•'.    It    j.-st    shows   y,T    tin-    '• 
"Why  should   such   a  trifle   interfere   with  ..u^  • 

mi-lit!'"    they    sa\.      "   l..-t    the    dance    p.-n-e.-d  ! 
T    .,     T    .  .  ,  iloorx  an-   throirn    <'/><  n,    r.  r.  .I/I'IK;    thf    Imll   an<l  / 

ChLff  'an   that.     Waxwork,   WM   m«v  l'/"'™;-   "^  "  9lim'»f  ','{  "'-'    *£ 

.  ,V    i  -i  ..  i  rhere  tlu-v  are    \.m  see.  a     trmn    down  to  supper,  ami 

what  I  had  in  my  mind  when  I  said      riinntn    down.  .    .        •[      t,    ;   it ,    t   '    ,     h 

T.   F.   I  shouldn't  have  said  myself  the  \M  atlier   'ad   f*  .J" 
been  HO  warm  an  all  that. 

Chauff.  (after  a  prolonged  »tnre  at  him}.  What  1  like 
no  particklcr  al-out  you,  old  feller,  is  your  astonlshin' 
ijuickneM  at  seein'  anything  in  the  way  of  a  j 

T.  P.   Ah.     I  take  at  !d  dad   thejv.      //.    was 


moat  remarkable 
tuddtnly.)  What 


orrihle  revelati 

It's  been,  and  'ow  tln-y  M  'ad  their  suspicions  all  al-m;,' ' 
l.iiihiinni    (xhouting).   Sir  IJrMiruY    l\ni..'s   ker 

Ki  • 

The  Axxixtant  J.iiikiimn  ruiiK  out,  takimj  i;/>  thf  cry. 
till  thf  nu me  of  Sir  KCM:I  i;v   i.s   In  aril  ,-clioina 
and  resouniUnij  nloiiij  Hi,   liin  of  i-ihicLx. 
P.P.  It  *B  to  lie  'op.-d  Sir  UrxiiritY  'asn't  hin  thinkin' 
sin-akin'  orf  unheknownst. 

Ilirl.   Whatever  should  he  want  to  do  that   for'.' 
F.  F.   (darkly] .   Some  Karls  'a\.-  a  way  o'   k.-epin'  the 
femilv  dimonds  in  a  hur>,dar- proof  safe  in  the  houdwore. 

'.  *      t  ii*. 1111 


quick.    (.1  ;>iij;r  in  front  of  him  triggers 
'a  ael  n?    1     m^  imps  lik. 

have  no  call  to  overhear  the  .  lion  of  your  hetters. 

Page  (with  pretence  of  tninil,  indicating  the  linkman). 
I  waa  on'y  larfin'  at  'im. 
Pint  II  oman.  They  'ape  got  a  love.ly  band  tip  then-. 

I  should  like  to  Btart  danciiiK  meself  if  1  on'v  'ad    '  tl""'t  ""-"  '"'   s  P'nched  any  of    em,  hut   it 
aotne.-  -.uth.  I  leavin'  so  early. 

II,     there's    a     p'liceman    just       A    V"""5!   ^'"'''«"«    ("«   "   *'>•""•   ''"'•    »'/"'''    '"  •    "'"' 

\ttnptd  toauteoat,  to  ,i  fnend,  ax  Sir  RUNBDKI   comet 

nt  doort  arr  /«irr/i/  ,.;.,  n,,l  an,I  tu;>  /min/.n./    ""'I-    I  k""w  '"»•      Stas.-d  with  us  once  at   the  Tow, -is, 
'm.  n  in  Llack  *atin  U.  •   /.r, ,,-/,,»  „„,!  ,,-lnt,  | '"><'  «l"l"'t    bring    'is   man.   so   I    valeted     mi.        And    In 
ttorkina*  n,  co,,i,n,ii,if,ition  to  „  (/r,,/,.  ]  found  out  iu\   name  was  the  same  as  his.  and  us!   how    1 

I/-/KI 


coated   footiinin    on    thf 
down  In  thr  linkninn 
Link  m. in      (ixjii-linij).      Lady      'AKRIIT 


'     II       He 'a   downstairs    in   the   kitohinc. 
•  ink 

Fl>»(    II      I  .i  •      hut    I  sun- 

.I'll-' 

up  in  the  I,.  II,., i,  i  )w   Uutiful  '  " 

•    ;      i  --•!••          !.••;••         •      •  ' 

Th,    I  :»r,'.   Well.  I   'ardly  I  I  you 

f  you   iiiii»f    . 
'iilnhli  . 

P.I-  •  r  thinkn  '  i  •     !  ••  MI  the 

iroimd.  d  '  "     You  didn't 


hy  it.      And   I   told  him  my   | pie  •  inled 

from   Spani-h  sunn  ;  -w  n  on  tin-  ('..inish 

coast.       \\hich    was    ijuile    li^'ht.  •  f    tin- 

old    stills    th.Te     Vet  . 

Hi*  Fri.in/.    And   what   did 

'/'/If      Y.     I  H  110    llollht      We     W-   le     the 

•-ame   family,   on'v   ditTer.-nt    hr;i'  >t         \nd    when 

-it   he  h-ft   :i  so\'nn   for   'is  namesal  •  .-ailed 

me.  to  drink  his  Yalth. 

//ix    l-'ri<  ml    linij  Mi,    that     .-"m.-s    of     'a\in^ 

d  in  your  v.  r 

\'-\    mi:   AWNIN.-I.     LATKR. 

I  uikman.  ( 'hirid^.-'s     '(»t.-l!       NOW    then. 
( 'lar 


Wi 


I    /:  V-'./IK/I  r.    Won't    he   up  just    y.  f  .  "],-   man.  It's 
run  into  th.    (  ..Lur^  and  hmke  a  arch. 

/.        '                                      I'.r-.Kl  I.   \r-i  \  '  (  '..rniii.,'  out  ! 

•  I      Oh,   0  four- 


AUGUST  21,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


SKETCHED    AT    BRIDLINQTON. 

"MOTOR  BOAT,  SIB?" 


wheeler,  is  it?  (with  patronage).  Como  along,  cabby" 
Baroness  VON  BUNKEL'AUSEN'S  four-wheel  keb  stops  all 
the  way ! 

First  Woman  (as  carriages  and  motors  are  called  up 
in  quick  succession).  They  're  beginning  to  go  now.  And 
glad  enough  to  get  "ome  to  their  beds,  I  '11  be  bound ! 

Second  IFoman.  Some  of  "em  do  look  'aggard.  But 
it  's  the  pore  pageboys  I  'm  most  sorry  for,  kep"  up  till 
all  hours. 

First  IF.  Oh,  boys!  they're  never  in  no  'urry  for 
bed.  It  's  their  mistresses  /  pity,  'aving  to  dress  up 
and  go  out  night  after  night,  and  from  one  party  to 
another,  and  to  be  on  their  best  beyaviour  all  the  time. 
1  don't  wonder  at  their  breaking  down. 

Second  IF.   They  needn't  do  it  if  they  don't  like. 

First  IF.  That  's  where  you  're  wrong,  my  dear, 
they  can't  'elp  theirselves.  I  "ve  a  friend  who  's  lady's- 
maid  in  a  'igh  family,  so  I  'ear  things.  And  once 
you  're  in  Society  you  've  got  to  go  on  till  you  drop,  or 
else  drop  out  of  it  altogether. 

Second  IF.  Pore  things !  Well,  all  I  can  say  is,  thank 
my  stars  /  'm  not  in  Society. 

First  IF.  Same  'ere,  I  can  assure  you.'  And  now  T  'II 
say  good  night,  for,  to  tell  yer  the  truth,  I  've  'ad  about 
enough  o'  standin'  about  'ere  all  these  hours. 

Second  IF.  Oh,  I  '11  come  with  you  as  far  as  I  live. 
I  'm  reg'lar  tired  out  myself.  Though  1  don't  say  some 
o'  them  dimond  tyarers  wasn't  well  worth  it.  F.  A. 


THE  ENTHUSIASM  OF  PHYLLIS. 

THE  scene  :  a  luscious  punt,  a  day  of  days, 
A  wealth  of  cushions  and  a  gentle  stream. 

"O  princely  Thames!  "  cried  I,  and  in  its  praise 
Made  statements  which  in  calmer  moments  seem 

Hysterical  and  almost  indiscreet; 

While  she,  my  PHYLLIS,  held  it  "  rather  sweet." 

I  dropped  the  Thames,  its  prineelmess,  and  iiext 

I  let  myself  become  extremely  warm 
Dilating  fiercely  on  my  daily  text, 

"  The  Wantonness  of  Tariff  (bah!)  Reform." 
But  PHYLLIS  did  not  share  my  righteous  heat : 
"  Oh,  don't  you  think  Protection  's  rather  sweet?  " 

So  much  for  that.     "  But  what,"  I  cried,  "  for  lunch?  " 
(Before  that  problem  other  problems  pale), 

"  A  plate  of  beef,  tomatoes  and  a  bunch 
Of  lettuce  with  a  pint  (or  two)  of  ale, 

A  little  Stilton  ....    ?"     I,  as  standing  treat, 

Made  choice,  and  PHYLLIS  murmured,  "  Rather  sweet." 

I  ate,  I  drank,  I  smoked,  and,  fortified, 

I  posed  myself  as  fitly  ns  I  could, 
Then,  "  Charming  creature,  will  you  be  my  bride?  " 

I  pleaded  hotly.       She  (I  knew  she  would) 
Informed  th'  impassioned  lover  at  her  feet 
"  She  thought  that  really  might  be  rather  sweet." 


1» 


PUNCH,  OK  THK  LONDON  CHAR1VAR 

/--A- 


;'l. 


THE    STRENUOUS    LIFE. 

Charlie  (fattmg  iiWo  imfX  "  fo»E  o*.  'E«»!     WITT,  rvrs  I.YIST.  ,-.s  THB  GUM  MAKES  ME  TIBKD!' 
'£r*  (JoUmnng  vilh  niprtmt  rfart\  "  Yr»  !  " 


THK  TWO   DESPERADOS. 

WIIIMV  ami   Jlr    lUmr  HE  WISIIT  lelt  London 

risimUr  for  Art-tic  Upland."     Haily  Mail,  .\\vjtal  13.] 

THK  two  U.ldcst  h.-rx-s  that  i-vt-r  I  km-ux 
WILLIAM  DE  WINHT  and  HARH\  !.i 

harder  than   nails,   they   w.-r.-    harder   than 
flimlt, 
Were  11  ARMY  l.r.  QCECX  and  WILLIAM  DE  WINHT. 

pink  and  >;F.MUNT  tnrm-d 

dlii 
At  WILLIAM  HK  WISHT  ami  Hunt*  I. 


'  ».)  HI  hi*  ••>«•  Hii 
Had  HARK-  I  Win  UM  nt  \\ 

ih  page  of    H  /i"  '« 
II  /. 

I>i<l  Wll.LMH  I  .!.•!    H  M: 

manage  was  0  IUSCKJU*  t- 

Of   II  I    \\  II  I  MM    D»-   WlNHT. 

ill   WAR  )• 

i  liindt, 
\hn\  l.i  •  .1  WILLIAM  n».  WINDT. 


Tln-y  \viTi-  nlv  \r,l  with  :ip|.l:iusc  nt   tli.'  '/. 

WIT'.-  WILLIAM  UK  WINDT  ami  II  vuin   !.i 

•nlil  liaiilly  be  8t  I   tin-  Miinlt  . 

Of  HAKKV  l.i.  CJi  1:1  x  «pd  WlLUAM  i'i:  WINDT. 


i  .1  \acht  \\itli  a  iMimil'al  (-n'ii\. 
l»id  'WILLIAM  I-K  WINDT  and  1  1.  \IJRV  l.i.  «." 

Thi-y  ilyi-d  tlicir  inoiista.-ti.  s  a  ti-rrilili-  timlt. 
hid'H  \uia  l.i  <  M  M  \  a  i  i.l  WILLIAM  DI:  W  : 

liniiKht  fur  i-oiitH  fr..in  l\\<'  WamliTin^  .l.-u\. 
ln.l'Wn.i.uM  DI:  WINDT  and  lluun   I. 

And  tln-y  padd.-d  tli.-ir  \\aij-t.-i.als  \\ilh  !.nll.'»-|in»>f  limit, 
I';.  I  Hu'na   l.i.  OI-KI-X  and  WII.I.IVM  M.  WINDT. 

\..\\   ih.'V  'n-  ^I'hf  !••  tlii-    \ivti.-  !••  i;rlli'-r      1  1  urn-iix 

WILLIAM  I-K  WINM    md  H  MM    \.<   <;'  i  '  A  ' 

And 


|  '  iniii.lt 

'    H  -1:1:1    '  !   V. 'n. i. MM  l.r  Wll 


Sad  Fate  of  a  Kecpectuble  Club. 

1      '..rin  Clnl)  will  d'M.rs 

tnd  members  will  go  to  die  rni.ni."     l><ri\>j  '  " 

/. -11/1.1111  llrr,,l,l 

o(  tier  will  run  \\itli  tli.-  pack,  IK-  must 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— AUGUST  21,  1907. 


AN    EMBARRASSING    CHAMPION. 

ROSEBERY- ACHILLES  (after  knocking  over  a  few  Greeks).  "LET   ME   SEE—  AM  I  A  TROJAN  AFTER   ALL? 
ONE  GETS  SO  OUT  OF  TOUCH  WITH  THINGS,   STICKING  IN  A  TENT!" 


AICI-ST  lM,   11107.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


L30 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

1-ATHACTKn    FROM    TIIK    PlUiY    OK    Tuny,    M.I'. 

House  of  Lords,  Monday,  August 
12.— "The  Noble  Lord  is  the 
mildest  mannered  man  that  ever 
scuttled  a  ship.  But  lie  scuttles 
the'  ship  all  the  same." 

Thus  the  Marquis  of  LANSDOWNE, 


"  MAGNIFICENTLY  IsiPERTcmum.F.." 

(Earl  of  Cr-we.) 

regarding    the    Earl    of    CREWE    in 
charge  of  the  Evicted  Tenants  Bill. 

Happy  summing-up  of  an  interest- 
ing character.  Relentless  fate  has, 
since  he  entered  the  political  arena, 
made  ORE  WE  the  leader  of  forlorn 
hopes.  Fifteen  years  ago,  when  Mr. 
G.  returned  to  power  with  unwork- 


lency  at  work.  He  stood  in  position 
of  chilling  isolation.  Predecessors  at 
the  Castle  had  friends  in  one  or  other 
i-iiinp.  If  they  were  Unionists  they 
had  the  landlords  behind  them.  If 
they  represented  a  Liberal  Govern- 
ment the  populace,  animated  by  a 
sense  of  gratitude  for  favours  to 
come,  cheered  their  appearance  in 
public.  During  his  residence  in 
Dublin  HouctiTON  was  boycotted  by 
his  own  set.  There  was  no  compen- 
sation in  the  way  of  popular  enthu- 
siasm. The  Nationalist  M.P.s  stood 
aloof.  As  he  drove  through  the 
streets  or  visited  the  racecourse  in 
state,  there  were  none  among  the 
crowd  to  cry,  "  God  bless  him  !  " 

He  bore  the  painful  ordeal  with 
dignified  patience  that  in  the  end  did 
something  to  disarm  Party  animosity 
;iiid  popular  suspicion.  The  earldom 
with  which  the  service  was  rewarded 
was  well  merited. 

Seen.;  has  shifted  to  Westminster. 
Stage  the  floor  of  House  of  Lords ; 
play  the  same  in  its  main  bearing. 
The  Earl  of  CKKWK,  like  Lord 
ILoroiiTON,  finds  himself  fighting 
against  hopeless  odds.  Last  year  it 
was  the  Education  Bill;  this  Session 
it  is  the  Evicted  Tenants  Bill.  Nomi- 
nally representing  a  powerful  Go- 
vernment, locum  tenons  for  the 
Leader  of  the  House,  he  is  actually 
at  the  mercy  of  the  Opposition.  It 
is  LANSDOWNE  who  is  master  of  the 
situation.  He  does  his  spiriting 
courteously;  but — pressed  from  be- 
hind by  ruthless  advocates  of  sanc- 
tity of  the  land  or  inviolability  of 
Uio  Church — mercilessly  withal. 

In  hourly  adversity,  buffeted  from 
below  the  Gangway  and  above  it, 
CUEWE  never  loses  his  temper.  Now 


polished  and  biirbecl  dart  in  chink  <>l 
armour  of  noble  Lords  opposite.  Jn 
the  main  ho  is  magnificently  imper- 
turbable. 

]iuxint'H8  done. — The  Lords  having 
passed    Second     Heading    of    Kxieled 
Tenants  Kill  \\iilnnit  dhisioii  pr. 
to  cut  it  up  in  Coiiimittc,.. 

Tuesday, — Leaving  for  a  while  his 


able  small  majority  and  a  new  Home  [  and  then  he  manages  to  land  a 
Rule  Bill  up  his  sleeve,  a 
prime  necessity  in  the 
new  administration  was 
a  Lord  Lieutenant  for  Ire- 
land. The  eye  of  the 

teran  Cabinet  -  maker 
roving  round  fell  upon 
Lord  HOUGHTON,  as  the 
MILNES  peerage  then 
ranked.  He  was  young 
and  inexperienced  in  office, 
and  the  situation  \\as 
peculiarly  difficult.  The 
appointment  seemed  risky  ; 
Mr.  G.'s  prescience  was 
abundantly  justified. 

It  happened  that  the 
MKMIJEU  KOU  SAKK  paid 
two  visits  to  Ireland  dur- 
ing HoroHToN's  Vice- 
royalty,  and  had  oppor- 
tunity of  observing  from 
close  quarters  his  Exeel- 


FBIEHD." 

(Karl  of  W-m-ss.) 

lonely  furrow,  Lord  ROSKPERY  stood 
at  the  Table  to-night  and  smashed 
the  Scotch  Small  Holdings  Bill.  A 
peculiarity  shared  with  Irish  Mem- 
bers leaves  him  on  Opposition  side. 
Ordinary  Members,  Peers  or  Com- 
moners, follow  Party  leaders  cross- 


ing 


the  floor  when  change  of 
Ministry  takes  place. 
Ministers  may  come  and 
Ministers  may  go;  ROSE- 
JIERY  in  one  House  and  the 
Irish  Members  in  t'other 
retain  their  old  positions. 
In  last  Parliament  he 
was  accustomed  occasion- 
ally to  stroll  up  to  table 
from  below  Gangway  and 
address  House  from  Oppo- 
sition side.  There  he  stood 
to-night,  when  with  gen- 
uine sorrow  for  a  much- 
l<  >\  cd  Ministry  u  Inch  he,  so 
he  said,  had  worked  hard 
to  bring  in,  he  banged  its 

THE  BROTHERS  Pn-i.-prs.    PAST  II.  head,  broke  its  ribs,  left  it 

es  to  express  his  dorp   rcgn't  tliat  this  instalment  of    not  a  leg,    whether  English 
the  lion.  members  1  1  as  1  veil  somewhat  delayed.     The'  fart  is  that  as  ]:<•    ,  ,,.   Scotch,   to  stand   ir 
was  gazing  Optranb  with  a  view  to  making  accurate  studies  for  tliis         U'licii     'ho       int  '.rv«1i  •! 
picture  his  attention  was  distracted  by  the  new  Cmn.-t   \\lii.  'h  »|>|ieare.l       . 

in  a  neighbouring  pert  of  the  heavens,  and  he  lust  himself  in  alwtmae    •  st'-eped      ir> 

speculation*  a*  to  (he  speed  Haul  dulness     inseparable     from 


Our  artist 


tie  matter*.     As  at  t 

H    wand 
scene  changed .  tl 

•Throne 

.  .  .       ,     .   .  .     -• 

BKKY    is  Ix-rs 

raced  mom*  '•  '"--I 

places  in  pens  m<-r  the 
Bar. 

The      speech      equalled 
high  expectation. 
something  from  the  in 

tenderness 

which  Howe. I  through  his 
mind  as  he  thought  of  old 
friends  and  compnr 

from 

which  he  was  an  e\ile. 
Only  n  s. 

would  induce  him  l»  d<> 
anything  hurt  fill  to  the  ..,;„„„  «,.«ow  ron  A  HCCII-LOVED  M.SIST.T.' 

teehngs    of    t   .-H.        Hilt,     111  , 

view   of    i  ..sihility 

aa  Premier  for  an  attempt  to  intro-  These  dour  reflections  arise  in  OOB* 
due*  tato  the  body-politic  of  Scotland  t.-mplation  of  the  SKCRKTARY  of 
the  poisonous  "bacillus  of  Irish  STATK'S  nttitudc  towards  that  war- 
agrarian  svstem,  he  rior  bold,  the  I^nl  Mayor  of 

Dublin.       Mr.   HOWI.KS,   with  heiedi- 
iiistinct,  has  nosed  out  the  un- 
i    fact   that  bis  Lordship   is 
ranked  as  captain  of  a  Foot  regiment, 


him  br  iho  collar, 

'iu<-l  only  t.i  I  »•  kin.1, 
And  to  hi*  ri.-rr  ling  ilolour 

:  .1  >la|«  behind. 

r  lookers-on  effect  of  brilliant 
display  of  argument,  inseclivo  ami 
humour.  WH>  marred  by  little  nian- 

•ii  of  sprawling  o\.-r  the  Table 
on  bent  elbow.  For  the  rest  the 
speech  was  a  pure  intellectual  de- 
light, reminding  1  f  all  that 
th.-  I!  n  try  have  lost 
\.  ini.i.i.-.  habitually  sulks  in 


his  t 


<l«nr.      Second     Heading 


1  by 
CII\N<  KI.LOR. 

//oiinc  i  mom,     Friday. — 

H.  HAI.HVNK  has  this 
aion  eatabli-h.  d  for  himself  a  position 
that  cannot  be  undermined.  Hy 
patience,  adroitness,  thorough  mas- 
of  his  subject,  he  has  carried  n 
•n  of  Army  lleform  for  which 
parallel  must  be  sought  in  the 
achievement*  of  that  other  civilian, 
Lord  CAKDWKLL.  It  would  bo  a  pity 
if  success  should  he  dimmed  by  dis- 
play of  little  weakness.  Natural  ten- 


dency of  a  much-applauded  man  to 
cultivate  a  sw  \".  H.  II. 

will  find  food  for  reflection  in  study 
o  episode  of  the  career  of  his 
great  !nr.        If      tho 

•'••d  up  with  couth 
M  his  star,  ha 


and  as  such  receives  pay  of  £300  a 

year. 

"  Does  tho  name  of  this  officer  up- 
on the  Army  List?"  enquired 
the  Hell.  P.owi.KS.  "  If  not, 

what  is  the  reason  of  the  omission.' 
An  I  has  the  Sm  KKTARY  OF  STATE  FOR 
WAR  any  claim  upon  this  officer's 
s.-rvices  should  they  be  required  .'  " 

•'  The  Army,"  answered  N.  H.  II.. 
with  regrettable  note  of  lupercilioua- 

"  has    no   claim    upon    tli. 
.if  the  I.ord  Mayor  of  Dublin." 
M.TO  was  opportunity  lost  of  draw- 
ng   two  nations  closer  together.     It 
would    have    been    so    easy    to    have 
put  the  thing  differently.       Easy  to 
nave    framed    a    few    honeyed    sen- 
s,        indicating       that       though, 
thanks  to  useful  reform,  the  Hritish 
Army  is  now  impregnable,  those  con- 
cerned   for    its    direction    could    not 
without   apprehension   the   con 
f  Captain   tin 

Mayor  of  Dublin  found  lacking 
II  '.he  roll  wis  cal'. 

Ix>rd   Mayors  of   Dublin   hav. 


mtly     ins  ad' d      Itussin,      there 
would    hn  from 

Moscow,  and  t: 


ever  been  n  warrior  nice.      MU.I.SNK 
who  »    til 

1885,  wa  .n  the  memor 

able  night   when  tin:  occupant  of  the 
chair,      who,      lil..       M  M.M  HI 
:          •    •  •  •    i  I 

his  place  nnd  defied   FOKSTF.H,   tliei 
••  was  in  Com- 


n.ittee    on     Coercion     Hill, 
which   ga\e    jK.lici!   iinthori- 

re.'ht       of       don 
h. 

••  If,"  said    Lord   M 
of        Dublin        (known        as 
H  \KI.U     l'\-n\     in     playful 
allusion      to      a      flour-shop 
business    that    commie 
Ins  attention  when  m>t  en- 
,11     Imperial     poli- 
•'  the      right       hon. 
.•man     v. 

ins    domicile   anil    a|>| 
Ih'e  be.Ui.le  of  my  wife,  ho 
would     ha\e    to    pass    o\,-r 
m\    dead   body." 

'l'i  «,r     F'-usn::i     had 
harboured     or     hinted      ;.' 

tli.-     felolii.-ll-  Attri- 

buted    to     him.       Hut     the 
warning     hr.d     due     etf.-et. 
:,osved    whom   it    might 
concern     what     mam 
man    was    the    Captain    of 
:    who  was    Lord    MII.M.I 
f  Dublin  for  the  time  being. 

And     it    is    his    successor    whom 
I  \I.IM\T.  snubs. 

done. — English 
loldings   Hill  read  a  third  time. 

THE  ETEHNAI.  VKKITIHS  OF 
CRICKET. 

THBOWIXO-IN  FROM  THK.  Uixn. 

(Aflrr  Mr.  C.  7J.  Fry.) 
Foil    (.HI    long    has    this    r 

•it   branch  of  our  great    nalioi 

ia-lillie    been    neglected.         MOW     oftel 

ins  one  been   ;  .(   a  match  am 

lotieed       the       lamentable,       aim.-.. 
iragic,  loss  of  time  that   has  f..!' 

:i  boundary  hit  owing  to  the  in- 
competent  f  the  spectator  to  whom 

the   ball  had   e,,ne   to  return   it   more 
than  a  third  of  the  way  to  the  n. 
fieldsman  ! 

Let  us  look  at  what  this  delay  in- 
solves.     The   batsman,   say,   h:. 
long    been    in:    not    more    than    four 
hours,  say.  f.,r  thirty  runs.     II 
has    hnrdlv    \<t     properly    aecomino- 
f  ti>  the  conditions  of  light; 
the   cross   wind    has   still    fully   to   be 
the  pitch,  with  its  myriad 
.,   has  yet  to  be   learned 
and  committed  to  memory.     At  such 
a  juncture,  when  esery  moment  is  of 
importance   for  the  prosperity  of  his 
innings  and  a\  '   fatal 

f.  ,r  b'ln  to  have  to  wait  nn  undue 
time  for  the  next  ball.  Tho  balls 
should  be  coming  with  perfect  regu- 
larity, ami  here  is  a  delay  owing  to 

the      defective      t  ll  ToW  i  Ilg- ill      of      l-olllC 

over-eating  old  gentleman  or  over- 
smoking young  fine.  The  chances  arc 
that  in  the  course  of  an  hour  or  BO 


im 


AUGUST  21,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


141 


the  batsman  will  be  bowled,  and  all 
through  this  deplorable  lack  of  decent 
shoulder-play  on  the  part  of  the 
crowd. 

Now  and  then  one  sees  a  good 
throw-in  from  the  ring;  but  bow 
seldom  !  1  remember  such  a  case  in 
tin-  Surrey  and  Sussex  match  at  the1 
Oval  in  1908.  The  ball  had  been 
driven  hard  to  the  on-boundary  by 
TOM  IlAYWAiti).  It  was  fielded  by  a 
soldier  in  a  red  coat,  who  returned  it. 
promptly  witli  such  force  and  accu- 
racy that  it  reached  the  feet  of  the 
man  who  had  bowled  it,  whose  name 
1  forget  for  the  moment.  What  a 
pleasure  this  was  to  the  trained  eye. 
Here  was  efficiency  at  last.  But 
usually,  as  all  participants  in  £Tie 
first-class  game  can  testify,  the  ball 
is  thrown  wide  and  with  little  power. 

Another  recollection  which  I  retain 
is  of  courtesy  run  riot,  the  hero  being 
an  aged  clergyman  at  Leeds.  Chanc- 
ing to  be  the  person  whom  the  ball 
reached  from  a  fine  uppish  drive  by 
MICHAEL  ANGELO  TUNNICLIFFE,  he 
actually  carried  it  in  his  hand  to  the 
bowler,  refusing  to  allow  any  of  the 
fieldsmen  to  relieve  him  of  it,  and  by 
so  doing  robbed  the  other  side  of  the 
ten  minutes  required  for  a  certain 
win. 

I  calculate  that  if  all  the  time 
that  is  wasted  by  bad  returns  from 
the  ring  were  utilised  there  would  not 
be  a  single  draw  in  the  whole  season. 
An  ingenious  contrivance  for  saving 
this  time,  and  dispensing  with  the 
doubtless  well-meant  if  feeble  efforts 
of  the  crowd,  has  been  invented  by 
my  friend  Mr.  GEORGE  W.  BELDAM 
in  the  shape  of  an  india-rubber  bul- 
wark— or  cushion,  as  billiard-players 
would  say — running  all  round  the 
ring,  of  such  elasticity  as  to  return 
the  ball  that  strikes  it  with  any  force 
automatically  back  into  the  centre  of 
the  field  of  play.  But  only  the  more 
wealthy  counties  could  at  present 
afford  such  a  luxury.  Sir  AKTHUR 
HA/.ELRIC.G  has,  I  am  informed, 
ordered  one  for  the  Leicester  ground 
for  use  during  his  own  innings. 

THE    CONTRIBUTOR'S    GUIDE. 

1.  IT  is  alwa37s  advisable  to  write 
on  paper  if  possible,  but  if  you  should 
be  in  the  habit  of  jotting  down  bright 
thoughts  on  your  shirt  cuff  write  on 
one  side  of  the  cuff  only.     In  a  case 
of  this  kind  it  is  of  course  unneces- 
sary to  send  the  entire  shirt. 

2.  Number  the   sheets   as  you   go 
along,  thus— 1,  2,  3,  4,  5,  6,  7,  8,  9, 
10.     This    will    sliow    not    only    the 
actual  number  of  sheets  to  which  the 
MS.  runs,  but  will  also  indicate  the 
order  in  which  each  sheet  is  to  be 


THE    MAN    BEHIND    THE    GUN." 


Recruit  (to  Instructor).  "PLEASE,  zcs,  DO   'E   'AVE  TO  POLL  MUCH   'AIIDEB  AT  THICK   'EBE 

K1VE   'UNDRED  NOB  AT  THE  TWO    'I'NDBEU   YARDS  1  " 


read.     Roman  numerals  may  be  em- 
ployed in  the  same  way  if  desired. 

3.  Always  enclose  a  stamped  and 
fully  addressed  envelope.       You  will 
in  nine  cases  out  of  ten  get  it    back. 
Should,  however,  your  article  be  ac- 
cepted, the  editor  (or  someone)  keeps 
the  stamp,  and  it  is  deemed  inadvis- 
able as  a  rule  to  pursue  the  matter 
any  farther. 

4.  In    sending    MS.    there    is    no 
need  to  enclose  your  photograph  or 
birth  certificate.     The  editor  does  not 
in  the  least  want  to  know  what  you 
like  to  think  you  look  like,   and  he 
knows  (perhaps  to  his  cost)  that  you 
have  undoubtedly  been  born. 

5.  If  you  do  not  hear  anything  as 
to  the  fate  of  your  MS.,  say  in  two 
days,  ring  up  the  editor  on  the  tele- 
phone, and  ask  him  what  he  means 
to  do  about  it.     He  will  let  you  know 
almost  immediately,  and  your  anxiety 
will  be  allayed. 

G.  It  will  save  you  a  lot  of  trouble 
if  at  the  end  of  your  article  you  put 
the  following :  — 


IV  NOTICE  TO  EDITORS. 

DEAR  SIR,  -  SIIOPLD  THE   ABOVE    PROVE    ux- 

St'ITABLE  TO   TOUR   COLUMNS,   WOULD   IT    BE    ASK- 


ING    VilU     TOO     HUr.ll    TO     FOKWABD     IT     WITHOUT 
DELAY  TO 

TIIE  EDITOR  OF 

[Here  insert  in   rotation   the  names  of  the 
journals  to  which  you  wish  the  MS.  Bent.] 

7.  One  more  piece  of  advice,  AVr/i 
on  trying!  There  is  no  royal  road  to 
success  in  journalism — unless,  of 
course,  you  happen  to  be  an  ex- 
criminal  or  a  first-class  cricketer. 

The  Smart  Set  Again. 
UNDER    the    heading    "  Social    and 
Personal  "  The  Ihillin  !•'.  veiling  Mail 
prints  the  following:  — 

"  At   a   special   Court   on    Saturday,   M 

D ,  labourer,  was   remnmleJ   in  cuiitocly  on 

a   charge   of    assaulting    his   sister-in-law    by 
striking  her  over  the  eye  with  n  tea-pot." 

This  kind  of  thing  may,  or  may 
not,  be  "social,"  but  it  certainly 
sounds  rather  "personal." 


Half-hours  with  Hobbs. 
LAST  week  wo  showed  why  Notts 
won,  and  we  are  now  able  to  explain 
why  Middlesex  rarely  lose.  In  tlu-ir 
match  with  Surrey,  we  read  in  The 
Bristol  Evening  News: — 

"Hobbs  then  survived  a  ball   which  came 
spontaneously  from  every  player." 


Ill- 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


i    ' 


•• AM'  WA\TI>  lll'.i:  SII.I.Y 

ll\- 

I   WALki:i>  slowly  into  the  Million. 
and,  glancing  at  t: 


•      .    •        •-     .-        •  ;,    I     !    .      v.    .    '     '       '     '•      OH 

MI    had    to   be 


A   train  at 

i     ;  .•   •     i    ••:••••  i   -  •  n.. 

bookstall    for    relief    when  I    felt     . 

hand  on   mv    si...ul.|.  •     and  the    n.  \t     II 


I  v. ••!.  I.T  if  I  '\  rything." 

.re  ithoiit  your  tin 

lace.) 

.'.1  rieht 

,t  |..i,  \ou  lent 
1'iil    I    e,i\e   it    \ou   • 

li  ft  it  in  the  tooth  hrush  jar 
<iii  tl  '  .1    I       1 

!  Ml  find  it   wi 
' 


On  tli.-  7th  C/nni  .l-ii.  tili^', 

came     t"     u'ri'-f     while     tackine 
spanker  I-  '  kin   1  injury  :  hut 


•  mpanies   iir.-   still 


(  in    th.    other   lniiul, 


l'i  rt' 


noiM< 


fill. 

'earl, 


,  faintly  murmured 

"  \\  ill   \ 

1    turn   d    HI  iiti-d    a 

worried    man,    with    lines    upon    his 
forehead     and  ,  p.-r.s     in     his 

'  I  r 

He  nodded  eager  1\ 

'•  /  "If 

only  a  few  would  join  the 
movement  something 

lnij-lit     result          \\ 

I  y    put    it    do  w  n, 
and- 

"  Hut  join  what'.1' 
"  The   SKIKTY    for    PHK- 
I  vrrors      FAKK- 
WELLS    is    RAILWAY    STA- 


ie  again.      I  >"ii  t    \.>u    w..rr\ 
the      euard          N.  v\.      \ 

really     jjot     e\.r\  tiling— your     sand 


w  ieh.-s    mill    your    ticket     :r 

thiui;.'     Well.    I  ye  !-.\    .    il.  ar;    write 

soon.     My   1. 

My  I..M-  1«>  :ill  your  people. 
" 


Had  *ur/i   n 


time  " 


The  whistle  sounds,  and  the  train 


u  jerk. 
(In  cliorug.) 


Bye-bye;  write  s.  on." 


v,  ln>  v.  ..ini;  f..r  i-oppers  in  the 

Aaler   rencli,    Ims   not    yet 
signalled,  mi'l  it   i-   f<  :uv>l  that   ~\f 

inav  .  total   !• 

The   Karl  of  I'lifKIIVM's  laun-elittiT 
•    lies  in   a   \er\    .-rippli-d  .  .....  .li- 

tion.     and     iinder\vritiT-i     refn- 

li    him. 
Two   nights   a^o   Sir    Hi  i 

's        n.-w         >i\    fiH.|,-r       .1  minis 


started  on  a  short   cruise   from 


MI/IOII, 
inoriiitii,' 


Id-  u.iv.-.l  his  hand  in 
tin-  direction  of  tin-  train 
at  tin-  plat  form. 

I  mid    what    I 

li.  nr.l  was: 

.-." 
.    be    sure    to 

ofT"1 

(The  train  was  not  due  to 
for    Bevi-rnl    minutes 


and     e::rl\      yesterday 
ivp.,rted   olf    liar 
ill       difficulties.          His 

to     h:i\e      I.eell     ha. IK 

Insurance  offices  decline 
liahility  on  the  •.•round  of 

•ililltory      lle^'lisjeli 
\\"hilst       coast  inj;      alony 
the       Malu'at.-       le.a.ls      the 

iiinii  l'"Uy  of   !;• 

stairs  has  run  into  a  local 
salidhank.  Her  i 

which     was     chiefly     • 
will     prohalily     not     he    ie 
•d.          She    herself    is 
quoted    at     t-"i   pill.- 

A      later      telegram      cor- 
md  states 

that  tin1  ScOTChtng  I'i'lltl 
collided  with  a  tramp,  and 
has  lost  her  screw. 


utart 

•    .pi  it.-.        It  V 
always  well  to  allow  plenty 
•  if  time,  you  know." 
"If  you  see  GLADYS  on  Monday, 

IMT  m\   I 

.rtii-ki-t  allrixht:  " 
(This  ni-oewiit  li  in 


[The  War  Office  has  inue<l,  "f»r  rxjx-riment  an-l  r.-|-.n."  a  new 
j;  m,i.  ni  Mliicb  u  dmcribed  u  "•  eomkined  overcoat,  water}iroof  sheet, 
lent,  and  wagon-cover."] 

Tommy.    "'Ell!     'Et»!      Till    BLooMuT    OARMDIT'S 


TTUIIX'  urro  A  WK-BALLUUX  !  " 


a  |>iir-«-.  in  wlii.  li  txith  know  p.-r(<  i-tl\ 
«<•!!  :  •   ix  r.  stinj;.) 

"I  :   to    liuvi-    n    line   day 

after  all." 

ll     -•  l,.|     lli>-    U    line     I-     Ili^llt., 

won't    you?  nearly    off 

now." 

"If   \ 

i  'ii  u-V 

iiiff  at  t 


I.  ft  ; 


have  been 


Tw>    liaiulkerchiefH    flutter    aiul    the 
train   at   last   disapi 

I  turned  to  m\  companion  wearily. 


In-fore. 


ANt'TIIKK    HAKI> 

(    \ 

A.,  an  cxcccdinu'ly  ner- 
vous hut  ini|iiisilive  gentle- 
man, and  a  t'i'eat  collect. .1 
,.f  antifpi.--.  i-  '.  turning  a 
tir>t  call  from  />'.,  a  lady 
whom  he  has  n,\.i  seen 
On  lu-iiif.1  shown  into  the 


drawinu- -r.H.m,  and  while  awaiting   the 
arrival    of    his    h.ist.-ss.     I hser\.-s 


Plltll.    \  .         She     is    In.W     ill    llrx     d 

I     is    quoted    lit     tell 

lit. 
the    t')tli  hile    wii 

i    stilT    hn-e/e.    Mrs. 

'Thanks-  .  ,    M,ini    lost    lu-i 

.i.ion  tin-  I'riil,'  ,./  Hull,,  mi ,  who 

>    with    all    hands    and 

he  has.)  ./  Mnnj  herself  h.  \ri-ck. 

ueh  of  h.  r  I  t. -insured 

r  c.  nt. 


"  I  !  'mv    name   down,"'l    IIIM.II   h.-r  ivory   tahle   a   fine  example 

•aid.  of  an    isth  century   Soratch-Sticl 

..all    ivory    hand    fastened    upon    a 
slend.-r      handle      of  Im- 

pelled   hv    curiosity,    he    is    unal.le    to 

the   t.-mptation   to  put    the   im 

(Second  Scullenmai-l,  Ik  KU      ph-ment    to   a    practical   test,    and   has 

i    damage    to    tin..-    ril.s    last    just  inserted  it  within  the  back  of  his 

Mondav  whilst   taking  in  coal  at    Port     collar  for  that    purpose,   when   a  foot - 


M.MMM:  IN81  I;\N.  i.  \ui  B6 

AHoSi.sr    the     list     of    feel-lit     I 

tahlc   casualties    we    lioti.-e    that 


~l.-p  Miitsidc  thn.ws  him  into  a  sud- 
del,  panic.  Hastily  end.  :i\  ouring  to 
withdraw 


agitation 


the     instrument,      in 
he     pulls     t-  a     hard, 


his 
tin 


handle    hr.-aks,    and    the    ivory    hand 
:   reach.      What   should 

; 
(  i\    a  i  -  ff  : 

\     f. 

Deali-r  in  •  M  Ami.  | 
ild  he  the  mil 


AUGUST  21,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  XONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    HYPNOTIC    EYE. 

[According  to  The  Daily  Telfyrajifi,  the  burglar  with  the  hypnotic 
eye  is  tin-  la'ivt  product  of  America.  At  f.r-t  jouple  scoffed  at  him  as 
a  fiction  of  the  imagination,  1  tit  Professor  MUNSTEIIBURO  of  Harvard 
and  other  learned  men  have  net  themselves  to  show  that  hypnotic 
power  may  become  a  most  dangerous  asset  of  the  criminal.] 

JOHN  P.  BECK  of  Fortieth  Street 

Was  as  smart  a  burglar  as  one  could  meet; 

The  jemmy  and  sandling  too  he  viewed 

As  hopelessly  primitive,  coarse  and  crude : 

On  one  thing  only  would  he  rely — 

The  power  of  his  black  hypnotic  eye. 

Armed  with  his  orb,  JOHN  P.  would  dare. 
To  burgle  the  hnll  of  the  millionaire 
And  pleasantly  humour  each  passing  whim 
By  taking  whatever  might  chance  to  take  him. 

But — who  is  happy  in  this  round  ball? — 
At  last  his  triumphs  began  to  pall ; 
He  loathed  the  monotonous  situation 
And  craved  in  his  soul  for  a  new  sensation; 
So  one  dark  night,  when  the  policemen  found  him 
With  a  heap  of  stolen  goods  around  him, 
Instead  of  making  them  shrink  and  quail 
He  let  them  carry  him  off  to  jail. 

Great  was  the  thrill  when  the  news  was  brought 
That  JOHN  P.  BECK  had  at  last  been  caught. 
Never  was  seen  such  a  crowd  before 
As  hustled  around  the  court-house  door. 

JOHN  P.  leant  with  an  ijasy  grace, 
Watching  the  scene  with  a  smile  on  his  face.' 
Witness  One  was  sworn  to  the  fact 
That  BECK  had  been  caught  in  the  very  act: 
"  At  ten  past  twelve  on  Monday  night — • 
I  could  swear  to  the  minute — 1  'm  certain  quite — 
I  came  on  BECK  in  an  old  shebeen 
Just  as  the  clock  struck  one-fifteen. 
The  man  was  wearing  some  emerald  rings. 
I  said  to  him,  '  Where  did  you  get  those  things? 
It  's  very  queer 
To  find  you  here 

With  a  lot  of  rubies  and  pearls  and  plate 
On  a  Sunday  morning  at  half  past  eight?  ' 

The  jury  stared  at  the  witness.     "  Mad! 
Mad  as  a  hatter!  "  the  thought  they  had. 

Witnegfl  Two  was  called  and  swore 
That  BECK  was  arrested  at  half-past  four : 
He  caught  him  himself.     The  deed  was  done 
Without  the  aid  of  Witness  One. 
He  'd  known  BECK  well  since  he  first  appeared 
With  a  clean-shaved  face  and  a  coal-black  beard. 

Again  the  jury  opened  their  eyes 
And  stared  at  the  man  with  a  wild  surmise ; 
And  each  who  came  through  the  witnesses'  door 
Seemed  still  more  mad  than  the  man  before. 

But  further  yet  was  the  Court  to  try 
The  power  of  BECK'S  hypnotic  eye, 
For  when  the  judge  started  to  sum  up  the  case 
The  orb  was  fixed  on  his  learned  face. 
'  The  evidence  certainly  seems,"  said  he, 
"  A  little  conflicting — at  least  to  me. 
How  BECK  was  arrested,  and  why,  and  when, 
I  cannot  make  out  from  these  gentlemen. 
If  he  committed  the  crime,  or  crimes, 
With  which  he  is  charged,  afc  the  time,  or  times, 
It  is,  of  course,  for  the  jury  to  say 
That  he  is  guilty.     That  's  clear  as  day. 
Put  if,  again,  he  never  committed 
The  prime,  or  crimes,  ho  should  be  acquitted. 


iV.  "Nmv,  THM.MT,  JCST   roe  KELT   PERFECTLY  STILL,  OH  roc'u. 

HAVE    THE    WHOLE    LOT    OVER.      AND    BESIDES    TOO     MUST    THINK    Or    TUB 
POOR   ELEPHANT." 


Again,  were  it  proved  that  another  man 

Had  conceived  a  base,  nefarious  plan 

To  commit  the  crime,  whatever  it  be, 

And  throw  the  suspicion  on  good  JOHN  P., 

Should  BECK  be  punished?    The  jury,  I  trust,  is 

Opposed  to  such  a  miscarriage  of  justice. 

Suppose  such  a  wretch  existed — What? 

You  say  impossible? — Ah,  'tis  not. 

I  know  the  criminal.     Yes,  you  see 

The  wretch  before  you.     I  am  he ! 

The  man  who  should  be  in  the  dock  is  me ! 

Arrest  me,  warders !     Step  down,  JOHN  P. !  " 


The  New  French  "Dreadnought." 
The  Yorkshire  Evening  Post  alleges  that  a  Router's 
telegram  says  that  the  I'ctit  Parisicn  publishes  (we  (in- 
going to  get  there  soon,  but  we  must  give  all  our 
authorities  first)  a  telegram  from  Casa  Blanca  to  the 
effect  that 

"  A  squadron  of  chasseurs  from  the  D'Afrique  and  half  a  squadron  cf 
•Spanish  gpnhis  were  landed  this  morning,  and  took  part  in  tl.p 
lighting." 

Nom  de  chien!     A  difficult  language,  this  French  I 
Commercial  Candour. 

"WASHIXn    IX   A   XtTBHELL. 

"  Washing  with Soap  is  almost  as  easy  as  the  title  suggests." 

Glasgow  Krening  .Yrtrn. 

THOSE  who  have  tried  bathing  in  a  walnut  may  agree. 

Willing  to  Please. 

"Alistnir,   the  winner  of  the  last  race,  is  a   ion  of  Ladas  and   a 
daughter  of  Bonavigta." — Morning  Leader. 


141 


ITNdl 


.    OR 


THK  LONDON  CHAIMVAIM. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Vr.  I'nnrh'i  Staff  of  Learned  Clfrkt.) 

.  f  Iniiiioiir  and  l 
.,..,...      ••          n...-l  l..i\e  n.  vet  beet 


T  nil1-' 
•     b( 


chlldrci 

on.      Hut   they   c/ow    up.   and   the  charm 
in  gone.     T<>  blame  the  author  is  on 
complaint  agai- 

.!•  knows  just  as  well  as  you  an.l   1   that   th. 
sp.  II  in  snapped.       She  becomes  serious  to  the  \. 
priggiahncaa.  and  h-  humour  inclines  t..  narrow 

alni4>st  unkind  ri<licule  of  suhurbnn  snobbery 
m  in  the  p. TS..I1  of  a  maid-  Like 

.ml   humorists  when   assuming  •»  gravity   that 
r  habit  .  and   thought,  she  loses 

and   tends  t..  follow  the  ol.vious  beaten 
otherwise 
she     could     > 
for    instance,    have 
permitted        li- 
the     false      del 
of   an    attitude    loll;; 
hallow,. I  l.y  fiction. 
BUkai 
n     c  I  e  a  n  -  b< 

in  "  f  alter  "  in 
telhnc  hi-r  husband 
that  she 

him  a  child.     Hut  if 
the   author   fails   in 
her  larger  ambit  ion, 
H  is  only   by  com- 
parison    with 
own      gifts      in 
another   field.      She 
actually     maintains 
a  standard  of  which 
she  has  no  reason 
to  be  ashamed. 
indeed,  if  the 
dreii    had    all 

•  I'ani  and  re- 
fused t4>  j»n>w  up, 
we  should 

missed  a  charming  study  of  hereditary  influences  drawn 
from  tho  father,  a  painter  with  a  soul  nU.vo  merc.narv 


Ti 


a 


loose, 


irresponsible   creature. 


IIIIIIIIHT  of   I,  IP.  n   111  NT.   with  a  touch  c.f  tin- 
•.I    I'nrk  S-h««>l.      And  niixhow    the  delightful   jiic- 


will  seldom  take  m.T.-  than  one  Lit.  .      ' 

•nitf  illustrations  in  tl  •  "  An  «'ld  Cannihal 

Chief    whom    f  '    on    the    Islnml 

•   hear  the  artist's  fan-well  speech.  " 
Sir,  and  thank  von  (or  not  eating  me."     Tin- 
volume  also  contains  much   illuminating  information   as 

.1  fashions,   fr which   we  learn  that   ii. 

f  the  islands  e\cn  a  I.  w    tattoo  marks  an-  l.n.ked 
upon  as  prudish,  while  a  pointed   hone  run   through   the 

-•,-d  over  \nd   the   i 

to  how   li\iiiK   ll  '"•r  'l'l>   no-pocket   diHiculty 

-factorily  solved.      Hiy  holes  are  made  in  tl. 
ami   here  loolaQg-glaases,    and    pipes,    and    match.  ~.    and 
,,ther  •  stowed.        In  conclusion   we   would 

mention    that    there   are    many    things    which    we    mieht 
with  a<hanta^'e  learn  from  \<  ror 

:i  the  New  ll.-l.rid.-s  tln-y  hury  their  helpless 
and  decrepit  old  men.  Ilefe  We  keep  them  in  oHice. 
Over  there,  ancestor-worship  llomishi ••-.  II.  r.-  u.  throw 

s  the  House 

of   ' 

1     a  n  t  i  c  i 
f.  .r       Tin-       S,trn'i< 
South 

sale,  not  oiil\  in  the 
Solomon        Isl-md--. 
l> ut    als4.  o\.-r   here, 
rice    is    a    N.  w 

Quini 
ahilliug. 

I >  r.  M  ,i  n  t  •'  n 
i.loiix  l.«\>;)  is  a 
tale  of  m> 
h  u  m  o  u  r.  T  h  e 
humour  is  uncon- 
scious and  the 

trans- 
parent      that       the 

its     various     ramifi- 
cations   lone    i 
they       dawn       upon 
the      illtellieel'.- 

the    \\ortl 
and    the    detectives 
whom    he    emplovs. 

is,    in    fact,    almost   as   stupid    as    l>r.    II 
the  admirer  of  .S'/n-r/oc/i  llolnn-x,  although  iii  tie 
of  his  creator,  Mr.   M..KI.  i:  tiii(\ui>,  he  is  no  end  of  a 


iil  fhilJ  (ir)to  /KM  put  beat  OffurrJ  of  the  company  of  Ik*  atvjelt  in  the  <i 
n.     Brr,  Mr««T,  i  i.rua'r  roc  HAVE  THB  AHUELR,  AND  LBAYK  MM  THE  CAXDLE?  " 


Mldhi")  I  in  the  first   1'Jn 

alone  well  worth  the  paltry  4*.  M. 


are 


Mr     I.     \ 

lu.-  illu«trate<i 


feasn.  < '     I'.i  v.  h 


Solomon   '  -nd  I.e 

ip,    for    ciiiiniliHlisni.    I 

This    is     p. 
a    large    e\t.-nt    to   the   d  thai    the 

.lent    iii 

and     the 


1   t,.  ii 
will  c 


still     sh 


Jind   off   would 
•  ith   imphthnline.     This 
••d  he 


whereas      Hd/.siiH      was      meant      to      In-      a 
how    he    addresses   his    chauffeur. 


I 


fine    fellow, 

fool.  This 

three  pages  after  it   is  perfectly  ohxioiis  that   the  villains 

from    whom    he    is   endeavouring    to  save    the    inevitable 

I    in  distri".-   have   tampered    vvilh    tin-   hial.e   "f    In- 

ill  one  of   their   manv    efforts   in   kill    him:    "  I  'o 

yon    !•  iv.    I',  in  il>   out.    man.    and    <|on  I 

make    anv     mi-lake      that     the    motor    haH     l»  .  n    inteii- 

tioiinlly    tampen-d    with,    that    someone    had    taken    away 

the  nut   which  keeps  tin-  luak  •  in  its  p..sitioi 

The   chn  n   all   .  -ither   km. 

fools,  with  ih.  |>tioii  of  an  intelligent   miller 

'f   his   mill   ill   motion   when   (he  three 

villains  wen-  trying  to  climli  up  them   into  his  window, 
and   so   hurl.-d    them    to   instant    death.      As    il    d 
occur   to   the   author   that    1  .....  ue,ht    to  Ii  n    tried 

for  manslaughter,   and   as,   thanks  to  his  ussistmiee,    the 
f.-.ls  won   the  day,   the   l«H.k   may  l»->  considered   to  end 


happily. 


i  rat  farirndum. 


AUGUST  28,  1907.J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


iir, 


CURTAILED  DOGGEREL  A   LA 

.MODE. 

THIOKK  was  a  great  batsman  of  Suss. 

Whose  brains  would  have  crovded  a 

'bus  ; 

He  wrote  a  fine  novel, 
Whose  In  TO,  Mark  Ijovell, 

Was  a  blend  of  perfection  and  muse. 

Then-  was  an  old  Mystery  Man 
Who  once  led  the  Liberal  van, 
Now  he  ventures  to  think 
That  poor  SINC.  is  a  nine., 
And  he  falls  tooth  and  nail  on  Camp.- 
Bann. 

There  once  was  a  fifth-rate  LASSALLE 
Who  was  always  addressing  the  gall. 
He  said,  "  Give  it  "em  hot, 
Here  's  a  big  broken  bott., 
I  must  catch  the  next  boat  for  Colne 
Vail." 

Thru-  was  a  fair  siren  of  Strat, 
Who  narrated  the  Sorrows  of  Sat. 
She'd  a  gond.  on  the  Av., 
She  was  everyone's  fav., 
Though  she  used  SHARK'S  Trustees 
as  a  mat. 


FOOTBALL  FASHIONS  FOE 
1907-8. 

["  Norwich  City  have  altered  t'.io  club's 
colours  for  the  coming  season.  Instead  of 
blue  and  white  they  will  appear  in  yellow 
jerseys,  with  green  collars  and  cuffs.  The 
idea  is  that  the  colours  shall  be  more  in  keep- 
ing with  their  nic.knamo,  'The  Canaries.'" 
Tin-  Sportsman.] 

COMMKNTINC,  on  the  above,  our 
Special  Football  Correspondent 
writes  -.—Norwich  City  arc  by  no 
means  the  only  professional  club  to 
follow  their  supporters'  hints  on  this 
subject.  Chelsea,  newly-promoted 
to  the  First  Division  of  the  English 
League,  will  make  a  striking  change 
in  their  costume.  Following  out  the 
idea  of  the  nickname  which  their 
popularity  so  quickly  won  for  them, 
they  will  appear  next  month  in  the 
iiitiTcsting  uniform  hitherto  identified 
exclusively  with  the  aged  Pensioners 
of  Chelsea  Hospital.  N.B. — League 
medals  will  be  worn  upon  the  left 
breast  by  those  who  are  entitled  t,o 
them. 

Totten'ltam  Hotspur  are  already 
practising  for  the  coming  season  with 
spurs  firmly  fixed  to  the  heels  of  each 
player's  boots.  It  is  felt  that  this 
innovation,  while  establishing  a 
further  ^  bond  of  sympathy  between 
the  team  and  its  followers,  will  not 
in  any  way  interfere  with  the  antago- 
nistic relations  which  rightly  exist 
between  the  "  Spurs  "  and  their 
opponents. 

In    the    same    spirit    of    entente, 


"I  THINK  WE'LL  i:i;sr  \    n:w  MIXVTKS,  n    v< 

THIS    IS  A  VERY   COMFORTABLE    I'L.VCE." 


r;  r  MI\I>.      1'u  griTK  oi'T  I>F  BREATH,  AND 


Southampton  have  recognised  the 
wisdom  of  their  supporters  in  christ- 
ening them  "  The  Saints,"  by  ar- 
ranging that  henceforward,  in  addi- 
tion to -the  ordinary  football  attire, 
their  players  shall  wear  angels'  wings 
and  a  halo. 

It  is  further  reported  that  West 
//(/in  will  don  the  pig-skin,  and  that 
Fnllnim  (better  known  as  'The 
Craven  Cottagers  ")  will  sport  the 
white  feather.  There  is  also  a  bare 
possibility  that  "  Pompey  " — the  ab- 


struse nickname  so  often  applied  to 
Portsmouth — may  be  seen  turning 
out  in  the  good,  old-fashioned  toga. 


"Mr.  Hudson  yesterday  caught  a- beautiful 
trout,  which  weighed  close  upon  2  Ibs..  with 
the  fly." — Yorkshire  Evening  Poet. 

WHILE  we  are  always  glad  to  hear 

evidence  of  the  veracity  and  ai-.-n- 
racy  of  any  fisherman,  yet  we  think 
that  Mr.  HUDSON-  has  rather  over- 
done the  thing  in  this  case. 


144 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[An  1007. 


PETTING    THE    PYGMIES. 
(A  Sketch  from  the  Balkan  Village  at  Karl'*  Court.) 

At  the  turnstile  a  gramophonic  official  repeal*  at 

vals:  "  This  way  for  the  Pygmies!  The  most  He 
markable  and  Genuine  Show  in  the  Edubitionl' 
Inside  the  building,  the  double  semi-circle  of  chairs 
are  all  occupied  by  spectators,  mott  of  whom  are 
trying  to  attract  tome  recognition  from  fire  Pygmies 
in  the  centre.  The  Pygmy  Chief  i«  sitting  on  a  table 
at  the  beck,  gloomily  nursing  a  ban-  and  arrow* ;  the 
second  male  Pygmy  occasionally  condescends  to 
humour  a  pretty  English  girl  by  catching  and  re- 
turning the  india-rubber  ball  the  throws  him.  The 
youngest  male  it  lying  on  hit  back  tucking  a 
of  ice,  with  hit  head  retting  on  a  natire  drum,  and 
hit  legt  negligently  crotted.  The  elder  <>f  the  lady 
Pygmiet,  Princess  'JUABKE,  it  squat  t  inn  by  a  kind  of 
brazier,  while  the  younger  it  spasmodically  accept- 
ing  invitation*  to  shake  handt.  Both  ladies  are  in 
dark  blue  robes,  with  numerout  bangles  and  bead 
necklaces.  Their  coiffure  i«  simple,  consisting  of  a 
narrow  hoop  of  short  wool  across  a  clean-shared 
head. 
First  Female  Enthusiast.  They  really  are  rather  sweet. 

aren't  they?    So  like  monkeys  1 

Second  Do.  Do.  That  one  with  the  bow  and  arrows 

wouldn't  be  so  bad-looking  if  it  wasn't  for  his  nose. 
A  Lady  (who  seems  pardonably  proud  of  hating  the 

entree).  He  never  lets  go  of  hio  arrows.     That  's  because 
•  ry  arrow  he  takes  back  with  him,  he  'II  get  thnv 
I  got  him  to  give  me  on«  arrow — but  it  was  a 


«  .  •.  .  - 


most  difficult  job.  He  "d  never  have  parted  with  it  — 
only,  you  see,  he  likes  me!  (Caressingly  to  the  Pygmy 
Chief.")  Tired?  Want  go  bed?  (The  Chief  replies  with 
a  guttural  monotyllai'lr  which  seems  intended  to  re- 
mind her  that  she  has  been  guilty  of  a  breach  of 
etiquette.)  Oh,  all  right!  Don't,  then! 

The  Ball-throwing  \oung  Lady  (who,  like  her  two 
younger  sisters,  is  etidently  a  constant  risitor).  Fancy  ! 
they  Know  all  our  names,  and  never  make  a  mistake  in 
them  I  They  're  getting  quite  affectionate  with  us  now! 

A  Male  Spectator  (after  sitting  for  half  an  hour  in 
patient  expectation  of  witnessing  some  illustrations  of 
native  songs,  dances,  and  customs — to  his  neighbour). 
I  s'poae  it  won't  be  long  now  before  they  give  their  per- 
formance, eh? 

Hit  Neighbour.  I  don't  think  they  do  any  more  than 
they  are  doing. 

Male  S.  What?  Sixpence— jest  to  sit  'ere  and  loofc  at 
'em!  I'm  off!  [He  departs 

A  Smart  Woman  it<>  her  escort,  after  an  inspeetioi 
which  has  taken  eractly  thirty  seconds).  Let 's  go  now 
I  *m  getting  tired  of  them.  [They  go 

A  Throaty-r  ..'or  (who  is  apparently  under  an 

impression  that  Pygmies  have  been  crent  ly  to 

gratify  his  post-prandial  sense  of  the  ludicrous     to  hi' 
companion,  a  nervous  man  with  a  horror  of  anything 
approaching  a  row).  I  My,  look  at  that  one!     (Pointing 
to  the  PrinceM,  who  is  now  waddling  about  in  tin  centr, 
wtth  an  air  of  importance.)       That  '«  Princess   KAIIKII: 
She  '•  in  Court  drew.   Ho-ho-ho !   I/ook  at  her  jewel li-rv 
Isn't  »ho  a  darling?    I  Ion  her'     ( llr  /./..»•«  thr  Princes 
a  kw«;  the  rolls  her  ryes  ami  "  ?>ri<.'/.-».") 

//i«     <  'nm;«jFtion.     1     wouldn't,     old     fellow — really 
wouldn't ! 

The  Throaty  V.  (bee''  thr  Princess).  KARKIF, 

1       '  •..•!•!.••!••' 


[Prim-ess  (;  '-is  I'll  a  coquettish  waggle  of 

,,nc  hand  that  the  IK  not  seriously  i-fjendtd. 
11,*  ('..HI/I.  \Ye  shall  bo  asked  to  go  directly— I  know 
\e  shall  ! 

The  Thr.   I      P'tll      K  \u»m  '      [  WWlt  to  Ulk  to  YOU  1 
,.proaches  him  cautiously.)     Naughty  girl!     l?olla- 

:ll.>])|>i  ! 

The  Princess  (after  putting  out  her  tongue  /     indicate 
hat  such  language  is   -.inworthy  of  a  gentleman}.    Kusi- 
scm  ! 

[A  retort  which  »he  obviously  considers  luuuuwtrablt. 

HIT.    I'.  (,'jioil  to  tlic  V'U  're  :ilu>tlii-r! 

His  Corn/i.  (ih,   I    »y.     /'••  drop  it.     Y«>u'll  put  her 
n  the  deuce  of  a  rage  ! 

The   Thr.    V.   (to    the    Princess).     All,    naughty   girl! 
Amabolla-woggle-oppi !     Susi-sem  ! 

[lie.  makes  a  pass  at  her  with  hi*  stick. 
The  Princess  (seizing  stir!;,  and  thrusting  In  r  contorted 
lace  close  to  his,  while  slie  bound*  irith  er,  nj  appearance 
)/  frenzy).  Susi-sem  !      Siisi  s.  in  ! 
[Her  frenzy  suddenly  erajioratcs  in  a  roar  of  deli'jhted 

laughter. 

The  Thr.  V.'s  Camp.   You  'II  lia\r  the  Clii.'f  .lo\vn  on 
you  in  a  minute  if  you  go  on  like  ti 

The   Thr.    V.   All' right,   n  She's  a  lively  old 

girl,  but  she  knows  exactly  where  to  draw  the  line. 
II,    continues   his  utti-ntton.*   until   /n»   ('••IM/MMI"II   de- 

tn  "  iniit  lor  him  outaidf." 

Tin-  Hxhil'itor  (suddenly,  in  dulcrt   tones).    l,:i  1; 
Gentlemen,  I  ha\e  much  pleasure  in  giving  you  a  short 

aCCOUnt    Of    these     interesting     little     people.       They     were 

brought  over  I. v  Colonel  HARRISON  from  the  Intuli  Forest 
in  Central  Africa.  In  their  native  land  they  exist  simply 
as  animals.  Wear  m>  clothing:  cultivate  n<>  land.  Ar- 
sulijeet  to  no  authority  but  their  own.  and  do  no  work 
They  reach  maturity  and  marry  at  tin1  age  of  nine  or 
ten,  and  have  never  been  known  to  li\>  linger  thnn 
forty  years.  This  very  old  one  here  (indiciitimj  the 
Chief,  who  preserves  his  air  of  ni>ntheti<-  inditt- 
is  thirty-six.  The  one  next  to  him  thirty-three.  The 
middle-aged  man  on  Ibe  floor  (pointing  to  n  frirolous 
Pygmy  who  is  now  diverting  hintm  If  by  ahootinij 
pellets  at  the  Spectators)  nineteen.  The  old  lady  flirting 
over  there  in  the  corner  (with  n  nuance  of  rehuke  that 
is  entirely  wasted  on  the  vivacious  Princess)  is  thirty. 
Tho  other  lady,  twenty-seven.  Portraits  of  these  little- 
people  one  penny  each. 

[He  subsides  as  abruptly  <i«  he 

A   Young  Man  (to  his  friend — o  goodJooking 
frUotr   who   is   seated  gravely   on    the   floor   luai/l,     the 
younaer  lady  Pygmy,  a  fascinating  little  personage  in  a 
i-,,ii-n,-  ?i'dr<i,   trlioxe  rhorolati    completion  is  set  -iff  by  a 
very  broad  flat  pinkinh  note).    How  much  loiu 
going  to  st 

The  Young  l-'ellow.  Just  wait  till  1  'v  got  her  to  give 
me  one  of  her  bangles.  I  shan't  l>e  long  now.  (He 
touches  first  the  glass  brnalit  on  In  r  arm,  anil  linn  /n.< 
•  •mi  chext.  anit  ii"</x  at  her  pcrxuimively.)  Y->u  will, 
won't  you'.'  (She  giv,  .1  him  a  nidi  glance  u/  indi- 
rnj/ncx».)  re  in--  this  as  pn-s.-nt  > 

I'lignnj    I  'no    clearly    do,  x    m,(    nee    it    at    all). 

M.I  al  I   i-hakis  In  r  nhaven   head  with    decision. 

The  Y.  ]•'.  Oh.  you  can  spare  me  one  out  of  all  that  lot. 
'i '.' 

.    and  then    turns   her   head   and 
shield*  her  i  yes  icith  one  hand. 

His  h'rii  nd.   N.IW  \»\i  hare  done  it  !      She  's  telling  you 
to  tspeak  to  her  par 

:l;in<i  the  ladu's  hands  and  jiullinq  her  to 


rrxrir,  on  TIIK  I.<A-I><>\-  CIIAIMVAI;!.   A,,,.-,  ea, 


THE   GREAT  WALL   OF  AUSTRALIA. 

OLD  MOTHER  COUNTRY.  "  DEARY  ME !  YOU  'VE  BEEN  AND  RAISED  THE  WALL  SEVERAL  FEET. 
I  SHALL  NEVER  GET  OVER  IT." 

AUSTRALIA.  "THAT  'S  ALL  RIGHT,  MOTHER.  I'VE  NOT  FORGOTTEN  YOU.  I'VE  PUT  AN  EIGHT- 
INCH  FOOT-STOOL  THERE  ON  PURPOSE  FOR  YOU." 


Arca-T  28,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


149 


"POLICEMAN,  THAT  RUFFIAN  TOOK  MY  WIFE'S  ARM!" 
"ALL  RIWIT,  SIR.     WE'LL  SEAIK-H  HIM  AT  THE  STATION." 


her   feet).    Come  and  dance  while    you  're    thinking  it 


over. 


[They  caper  fogetiier  in  a  kind  of  double  shuffle,  while 
she   exhibits   her  delight  in  her  newly  -acquired  ac- 
complishment by  screams  of  laughter. 
The  Princess  (clapping  her  hands  with  just  a  suspicion 
of  envious  irony).  Verri  good!     Verri  good! 

The  Y.  F.  (to  his  exhausted  partner).  Let  me  fan  you? 
You  are  a  giddy  little  flapper,  aren't  you?  And  now 
you  're  going  to  give  me  that  bangle,  eh? 

The.  Lady  (coquettislily  —  but  still'  with  firmness). 
Ma-a-a  ! 

The  Kfliibitor.  As  it  is  now  close  on  eleven  o'clock, 
ladies  arid  gentlemen,  I  'm  afraid  I  must  ask  you  all  to 
leave. 

The  Lady  (to  her  partner  without  a  trace  of  senti- 
ment). Hee-hee-hee!  Goo'bye  ! 

The  Y.  F.  (falling  on  one  knee  and  kissing  her  hand). 
False  gy-url  !     I  see  too  late  you  were  but  ter-rifling  with 
me.     No  matter.     I  forgive  ye.     Farewell  ! 
[lie  lenres  licr  in  a  condition  of  giggling  mystification. 
The  other  spectators  withdraw  gradually.     The  two 
Indy   Pi/gmies   bestow  gcnennix   kisses   on  such  for- 
tunate female  admirers  as  hare  attended  sufficient 
audiences    to    have    earned    the    distinction.      The 
I'yijiiiy  Chief  appears  to  be  pondering  over  the  exces- 
susceptibility    of    the    British    Public    to    the 


xrc 


charms  of  his  countrywomen,  in  whom,  though  fine 
women  enough  in  their  way,  he  can  see  nothing 
whatever  to  make  all  that  fuss  about.  But  then 
these  big  white  folk,  though  they  have  their  rises  in 
providing  him  with  cigarettes,  do  seem  to  him  t<>  be 
rather  lacking  in  intelligence.  V.  A. 

CONTRIBUTORY  NEGLIGENCE. 

A  CRASH  like  thunder  petrified  my  bruin. 
Anon  I  reached  our  scullery,  and  there. 
Minus  six  teeth  and  nearly  ull  her  hair, 

Lay  our  domestic  treasure,  'MARY  JANK. 

Who,  though  undoubtedly  in  horrid  pain, 
Scented  much  compensation  in  the  air, 
And  impudently  asked  was  I  aware 

How  much  a  week  I  had  to  pay  per  sprain  ! 

Then,  somewhat  caustically,  I  admit, 
In  biting  phrases  that  were  merum  sal, 
I  showed  'twas  not  intelligent  to  use 
Explosive  oil  to  clean  the  kitchen  flues. 
Alas!  I  found  the  flavour  of  my  wit 
\Vas  caviare  to  the  General ! 

"  A  big  music  store  in  Louisville  has  been  bimie  I  out.     The  brigade 
iilavcil  ou  tbe  burning  instruments  for  many  hours." 

\:,rt)iern  Daily  Mail 

NKRO'S  performance  seems  quite  ordinary  after  this. 


150 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1-J07. 


FRESH    WORK    FOR    THE 
FRONTIERSMEN. 

TUB     superb      and      ui 
ionium  displayed  by  the  l/«'g 

.  :  _•    l.\    Mll,o 

and    her    chiffon    from    the    ardent 
•uthuaiasm  of  the   populace   at   the 
recent  Oodiva  procession  at  ' 
though    recorded    in    some     of    our 
weekly  illustrated  papers,  has  t 
mesas  met  uith  the  recognition  that 
t  so  richly  deserves.  The  t-ndur 
the  horsemanship,  and  the  gallantry 
shown  by   Central   KOOER 
irigade   during   the   engagement   (of 
I  iu>)  have  not  ao  far  been  ac- 
knowledged  by   any   of   the    Service 
papers.     The  Special  Military  « 
ipondent  of  The  Time*  has  pre» 
a  jealous  silei.          I  <  :  >cta- 

,,r  has  tx-en  a  dumb  dog.  Yet  the 
>erils  of  the  procession  were  at  least 
equal  to  any  faced  by  the  Japanese 
luring  the  siege  of  Port  Arthur,  and 
hey  wen-  surmounted  without  a 
single  serious  casualty. 

1'ndeterred.  however,  by  the  cool- 
ness with  which  these  efforts  have 
>een  received  -except  by  LA  MII.O 
herself,  that  gracious  lady  having 
presented  each  of  her  l>odyguard  with 
a  lock  of  hair  from  CLARKSON'S  wig 
-  the  Legion  has  mapped  out  f«r 
it-  If  further  tasks  of  self-sacrificing 
zeal.  Having  mounted  the  mrttle- 
nte  ex-cab-norse,  and  put  its  hand 
to  the  plough,  it  will  never  turn 
back.  The  Frontiersmen  have  re- 
cently all  been  under  Kentish  fire, 
and  not  a  man  blenched  during  the 
ordeal. 

Mr.  AkXoLD-FoRSTER's  juggling 
with  the  Volunteers  or  Mr.  H.M.I- 
light  way  with  the  Militia  now  sig- 
nify nothing.  The  Legion  is  with  us. 
These  |H-rfectly  disciplined  centaurs, 
ready  at  a  moment's  notice  to  eclipse 
the  prowess  of  the  Light  Brigade, 
are  at  hand  with  protection  in  their 
gallant  heart*.  Hitherto,  with  three 
bright  exceptions — the  historic  ride 
to  Brighton,  the  defence  of  Coventry, 
and  the  wild  chase  through  the  Hop 
County— they  have  b<  d  an 

opportunity  to  prove  their  mettle. 
But  now  all  is  changed.  Their  true 
career  is  beginning,  and  it  behoves  us 
to  be  very  grateful.  With  Consols 
still  sinking,  with  Mr.  Wr 
CurKi HIM.  sapping  the  foundations 
of  our  Empire,  and  Mr.  VICTOR 
GRAYSOX  collecting  ammunition  in 
•  bottle  factory,  it  is  simply 
!al  to  abandon  the  irresistible 
weapon  forged  for  the  defence  of 
society  by  Field-Marshal  POCOCK. 

The  programme  of  t!.-  Legion  is 
vast  and  daring.  Nothing  i«  too 
trivial  for  it  all.  For 


an     urp  -1     uhieh 

nvulscs  the  metropolis 

1..   wlneh    gr.-at    instru- 
.    adult    and    infantile,    are 
hands     of     their 
:,•    admit 

:KVV  SKI    and   Krnn.iK    from 

and  |M.ssibly  torn  hair 

hair      uh:it     l."l>ler    task    could 

be    assigned    to    Admiral     1 

;.id    cavaliers.'      It    is    true    that 
they   would  probably  have  to  l.« 

-,ed  for  the  purpose;  but  we 
believe  that  they  are  <|uile  us  firm 

•  >t  as  in  the  saddle.  At  any 
rate,  they  mean  to  try.  "  I'APKK- 
I.\VSKI."  "they  cry,  "shall  never  be 
bald ;  we  are  i 

Another  duty.  Hen-ulean  no  doubt 
in  the  exertions  involved,  yet  not  im- 
possible to  a  corps  which  flies  to  the 
call  of  forlorn  hopes,  has  been  sug- 

1  by  the  |Hisitioii  of  Ixird  1 
in  in.  Ixjrd  RosKi'.K.uv's  recent  ut- 
terances have,  it  is  well  known, 
exposed  him  to  the  relentless  fury  of 
his  former  colleagues.  Mr.  LLOYD- 
(iKoitiiK  is  credibly  reported  to  have 
said  that  he  would  never  rest  content 
till  he  saw  Ix>rd  KOSKKKKV'S  head 
aflixed  to  the  Marble  Arch.  I/ord 
RII-ON  is  alleged  to  have  indulged  in 
even  more  bloodcurdling  threats. 
The  Legion  of  Frontiersmen  propose 
at  once  to  garrison  the  Dnrdans,  or, 
at  any  rate,  camp  out  at  Tattenham 
Corner.  The  Primrose  League  holds 
aloof;  but  a  Primrose  Legion  shall 
ensure  the  safety  of  the  ex-Premier. 
Henceforth  for  some  months  to 
meet  Lord  ROSEBKRY  will  be  to  meet 
Major  POCOCK  and  his  spurred  and 
puttied  sons  of  ANAK.  Mentmore, 
Dalmeny.  Berkeley  Square,  the 
House  of  Lords,  Naples — all  will 
know  the  Legion.  The  Legion  will 
infest  all.  No  missile  shall  reach 
that  honoured  grey  head  without 
first  running  the  gauntlet  of  the 
devoted  Frontiersmen. 

But  not  peers  alone  go  in  peril  of 
their  lives  in  these  troublous  times. 
Racing  motorists,  while  travelling  at 
the  rate  of  00  miles  an  hour  and  up- 
wards   on    our    country    roads,    are 
constantly  liable  to  sudden  death  by 
endeavouring  to  avoid  children.    The 
Legion   of    Frontiersmen    has    imd.-r- 
the    duty    of    patrolling    the 
Brighton  road  and  resolutely  confin- 
ing    all     children     indoors,      except 
•he   hours  of.  say,    11   p.m. 
'.ft'-r  this  coroners  may 
rest  ill    |-    i   •        and    what    nohlci 
is  there  than  to  ensure  the  repose  ol 
Motorists  also  may  "  open 
it  "    without    fear   of    being   at 
any    mon  i    an. I    perhaps 

,*ly    injured,    if    not    killed,    by 
collision   with  .    of   a   foolish 


md    dangerous    child.      In    this   con- 
may    add    that    the    I. 
ntctids   to   provide   a   suitable   . 
with  ambulance  and  canteen)  to  the 
stockbrokers  during  their  annual  walk 


At   every    ini|Hirtant    cricket-match 
n    the    future    a    strong    detachment 
f   I'ri.ntiersmcn  will   be  stationed   t" 
t    the    pitch    from    the    fviry   of 
;he   mob.      It    is   still    in   e\ 
memory  how    at    1.  tew   short 

s     ago,     a     crowd     of     cricket 
•ntln.  .iilkcil  of  their  s|x>rt  by 

ihe  untimely  activity  of  Jupiter 
Pluvius,  disfigured  tin-  turf  by  v 
compensation  for  their  ill-spent  six 
Well,  nothing  of  the  kind 
is  ever  likely  to  happen  again;  for 
the  Legion  will  be  there.  You  can't 
play  tricks  with  the  Legion.  It  is 
their  intention  to  camp  out  on  the 
lioundaries  (or  frontiers)  of  the 
•.'round  and  allow  no  one  on  it  but 
the  umpires  and  the  roller.  Jolly 
Commodore  KOOKK  I'OCOCK  will  be 
there. 

And  what  reward  do  the  gallant 
fellows  ask  for  these  services'.'  No- 
thing. Only  a  paragraph  here  and 
there  and  the  privilege  of  using  any 
piece  of  waste  ground  for  a  camp. 
Their  greatest  ambition  is  to  be  per- 
mitted to  camp  out  in  Leicester 
Square,  with  SIIAKSI-KARK  ((leiieral- 
issimo  POCOCK'S  favourite  author)  in 
the  midst.  Surely  this  could  be 
arranged. 

CHARIVARIA. 

IN  order  not  to  offend  the  suscep- 
tibilities of  the  nations  represented  at 
tho  Peace  Congress  at  the  llagu. 
the  Moors  are  calling  their  struggU 

with  the  French  "  a  Holy  War." 

*  * 
* 

Morocco  is   not  the  only   country 

where  stirring  events  have  been  hap- 
pening in  the  past  week.  Wiring 
from  Marienhad  on  the  I'.lth  inst., 
Renter  flashed  across  the  world  tin 
statement  that  on  that  very  after- 
noon an  English  gentleman,  return- 
ing from  a  motor-car  trip,  had  heci 
about  to  enter  the  Hotel  Weimar 
when  an  old  lady  who  v\  as  sitting 
outside  dropped  a  stick.  The  F.ng 
lish  gentleman  striped  down  am: 
picked  up  the  stick,  which  he  handei 
to  the  lady,  raising  his  hat. 

Ii    i<   rumoured    that   the    Republu 
of  Swit/.erland  and  two  of  the  Baikal 
-    !.r.-    al-out    to    signify    forma 
•ance    of    the    British    pro| 
BS  to  tin'  exchange  of  naval  y.-crets. 

*  * 

So  many  different  nationalities  are 
repres,-nted  at  the  Socialist  Congress 


AUGUST  28,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


151 


at  Stuttgart  that  it  is  proposed  that 
the  Liederhalle,  where  the  meetings 
take  place,  shall  bo  re-named  The 

Tower  of  BKBEL. 

*  * 
* 

British  workmen  nre  highly 
amused  at  Canada's  being  described 
as  "  The  Worker's  Paradise,"  in 
view  of  the  fact  that  in  that  country 

work  is  found  for  everyone. 

*  * 

Mark  Tuplcy  is  evidently  in  Wales 
just  now.  '  Too  much  wind  and  too 
little  sunshine,"  says  a  report  from 
Aberystwyth,  "  have  not  helped  to 
make  the  best  of  the  holidays. 
Visitors,  however,  have  enjoyed  the 
spectacle  of  the  rough  seas." 

V 

A  Consular  report  states  that  the 
teak  industry  in  Siam  is  seriously 
handicapped  by  the  incessant  thefts 
of  elephants,  as  many  as  ninety-nine 
having  been  stolen  recently.  How 
the  thieves  secrete  the  animals  is 
something  of  a  mystery,  as  the 
natives  of  those  parts  have  no 
pockets,  but  just  wear  loin-cloths. 

Whatever  the  pessimist  may  say 
we  have  certainly  advanced  in  some 
respects.  A  modern  young  lady  who 
was  offered  one  of  OUIDA'S  novels  by 
a  librarian  the  other  day  refused  if 
with  the  remark,  "  Oh,  no;  her  books 
are  so  goody-goody." 

"  No  man,"  says  a  leading  West- 
End  physician,  "  should  marry  a 
woman  whom  he  cannot  lift  up  with 
both  arms  above  his  head."  This 
new  form  of  proposal  should  prove 
interesting,  especially  if  the  young 
lady  is  unaware  of  its  significance 

when  it  is  made. 

*  * 

Socks  of  variegated  colours  are  the 
latest  fashion  among  men  of  the 
Smart  Set.  The  idea  is  said  to  have 
been  evolved  by  the  Smart  Set  itself, 
and  is  thought  to  be  a  complete 
answer  to  those  who  accuse  them  of 

being  brainless. 

*  * 

"  Should  railways  carry  bicycles 
free?"  asks  Cycling.  Why  only 
bicycles?  Surely  the  concession 

should  also  be  granted  to  passengers. 

*  * 

The  fact  that  a  Zoological  Garden 
is  about  to  be  installed  at  Pekin  by 
order  of  the  Chinese  EMPEROR  leads 
to  the  rumour  that  His  MAJKSTY  is 
now  about  to  make  experiments  in 
constitutional  government. 

V 

We  are  pleased  to  hear  that  the 
attempt  to  cross  the  Channel  which 
was  to  have  been  made  by  four  City 
policemen  has  only  been  postponed. 


Studio  Caretaker  (to  Miss  \'cra,  ic/io  i«  "  <jvin-j  in  xlronj  for  Art,"  and  lias  hired  a  dcleton 
for  her  anatomy  studies).  "  Lou!  Miss— ARE  WE  BEAU.Y  AS  THIS  AS  THAT  I        iEJ 


It  is  absolutely  essential  that  the 
Force  should  practise  the  feat,  for 
there  can  be  no  doubt  that  the  day 
will  arrive  when  it  will  be  necessary 
to  have  constables  on  point  duty  in 
the  Channel  to  maintain  order  among 

the  crowd  of  swimmers. 
*  * 

"  During  the  match  at  the  Oval 
between  Surrey  and  Yorkshire,"  says 
Truth,  "  the  authorities  introduced 
an  innovation  which  might  commend 
itself  to  the  very  superior  M.C.C. 
There  was  heavy  rain  at  luncheon 
time.  .  .  ."  In  these  days  of  unruly 
"  gates  "  this  certainly  does  seem  to 
be  the  best  lime  to  have  the  rain,  if 
one  must  have  it  at  all. 


"  Coming:  Event*  .  .  ." 
"  MR.  LLOYD-GEORGE,  President  of 
the  Board  of  Trade,  has  accepted  the 
invitation  of  the  Manchester  Cham- 
bers of  Commerce  to  be  their  guesh 
at  a  banquet."— Glasgow  Evening 
Citizen. 

"Those  who  have  not  yet  seen  one  of  the 
most  rhanning  little  musical  plays  will  have 
:i  final  opportunity  to-night  of  visiting  the 
Ipswich  Lyceum,  where  See-See  bids  farewell 
(let  us  hope  adieu)  to-night."-  Ijatrieh  Krcnmy 
Star. 

LIKEWISE  "  Addio  "  and  "Vale," 
if  we  might  dare  to  express  the 
longing. 


PUNCH,   OK  TI1K   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


BOYCOTT  01    Tin:   SILLY 


BBA8OM 


IMUGXV, 

Tl  Ml  I. 

r-.     .  •• 


i.   i 

spacious 
IVomuin.   ! 


- 

iwded   meeting 
y    last    in    tin- 
in      of       JMllee 
>ad,  Toot- 
protest   against    the 


jfurth-  ;  lira-  J 

•  I,  I II:.  I  >      i 

Major       Ih.       Toi-i-i  ii       i"  SurTra- 
•  iiit      that      editors 


•o    on 

their 
what 

ind'ird  " 
nearly     turn     t"     death.)      Hut      how 


\\'cll,     they     kn.w 
\\riv.        (1'iirnar,     in 
mix 


1'ublican  •'     1900, 

Ml  .11. 
\       \V,,n,..n       Who       J>id" 


boycotting  by  newspaper  editors  of 

lly    Sea- 

• 

(Hiniliaa"   1897,    '96, 

IT  "      '  'irly    Win 

UK  hccll  imanimoii-ly   elected 

to   th«>   cluiir,    stood   on    it,    and    ad- 
dressed the  assembly. 

was  proud,  he  Raid.   to  speak 
ix'fore   a    meeting    repres.-ntati 
the     intellectual     hiu-klmnc     <,f     the 
•ountry.     (t'heer$.)     They  were  here 
lo  face  tin-  most  serio  .  -f  the 

age — no   less   than   a   cmn-i  ited    at- 

-ilcnce    tin-    great    voi 
the  i,      curates,      country 

-,  and  suburban  householders 
>(  the  country,  mack-  by  the  (lovcrn- 
nent.  KAISI  i.i,  tin-  Moors,  organisers 
•f  Limerick  competitions  (n/iroar), 
Ii.  K-jM-rnntistK,  the  weather 
»•.«).  the  donors  of  the  C'ullinan 

nd.    inul    the    editors    nf    Fleet 

'*)• 

SAKAH  MITTENS  ("  Mother  of 
"I  rose  to  remind  her  audi- 
ince  thnt  e\er  since  the  discovery  of 
hi-  original  giant  gooseberry — she 
bought  sin-  i.. iil,|  recognise  the 
•eneralile  horticulturist  who  was  the 
lero  of  that  great  fent  sitting  in -ar 


he  coal-scuttle. 
[Fifteen     gentlemen 
ladiet    here    rime 


and      three 
anil    i 


Tumult.     Order    ha  ring 
restored — 
Mian  Axxu:  Mi  rr  ("  K\  pugilist  ") 


to    take    up    the     previous 
peaker's  argument.     I  ,    th. 

Teat  discovery  of  the  giant  goose- 
erry,  ever  since  that  epoch-making 
iscusaion,  "  la  Marriage  a  Failm 
indetcriballc   cnth>t»i<i  prin- 

ipal  columns 
een  during  August  and  S 

evoted   !•  «-g  of  the   mtell,-, 

jal  spine  (a  i: 

sought,  than  backbone)  of  th, 
toy  on  subjects  of  world-wi.i 

hnd     this     right 
i    them    f 

How 


that  pressure'.1  Wns  it  merely 
•lence  that  H.Msri.l  should  ha\e 
cHpturcd  Kai<l  M  \iii\v  siiniiltniie- 
ously  with  an  August  sitting  of  the 
(  ir  that  in  the  same 
cionth  the  Ixiinliarilnieiit  of 
Hlanca  should  have  been  arranp-il 
he  said  arranged  —  ("Hear,  ln,n"\ 
or  that  so  powerfully  scenteil  a  h-  i- 
rin^  as  the  I.inu-rick  competitions 
should  have  been  drawn  across  the 
writin»-tiil>les  (,f  the  intellectual  ver- 
tel>n»-  n(/i;i/iiH«r)  of  the  country'.' 
Well,  if  this  was  coincidence  all  he 
could  say  was  —  well.  In-  hardly  knew 
what  In  could  say.  (Cheert.) 

•  linn  fioni  notes  made  on  the 
counterfoils  of  sixpenny  postal- 
orders,  the  Kev.  SKI'Tl-iirs  |y,;ii 
I.v  I'oll  "  '(I.-,.  "(ientl.'liK.n 
Jack  "  '06)  said  lie  was  an  old  pai-M.n 
of  Trinj,',  Who  proposals  .jiiite  helpful 
would  l.iiiiK.  (l'creini>l»ri\tj  ordtntl 
by  the  Clmir  to  resume  his  seat.) 

applause  greeted  the 
rising  of  Mi--  M  VKTHA  TIPPET  ("  Har- 
rovian "  1806-1002,  "  Etonian  "  1903- 
1906).  Another  hody,  she  said,  in 
addition  to  those  named,  had  heeii 
a  party  to  this  disgraceful 
combine.  She  referred  to  the  Inter- 
national Congress  of  School  Hygiene. 


i  in:  si:\\n  >n>r.  OF  M;<  M>V. 

I   -\\\    \oii  \\lnn  the  tide  was  in. 

J'oltivpen,  by  the  Cornish 
Like  i|iiantities  of  local  tin 

The     wa\rs     were      soldered      round 


It    had 


editors    the    excuse    for 


saying  that  the  public  were  tired 
school  subjects.  That  was  a  cruel 
blow  to  thousands  of  old  women  and 
old  men.  (  Kmntiiin.) 

Everybody  having  spoken  twice, 
sub-committees  were  formed  for  tin- 
following  purposes:  — 

(o)  To  steal  the  Cullinan  diamond. 

(/•)  To    sandbag    editors    of    p 
running  Limerick  competitions. 

(<-}  To  kidnap  I;  vi-ru. 

(d)  To  blow  up  any   congress   that 

iv'ht  as-edible  during  the  month. 

Mr.     L  \  N  ,          •        ,  ,  ,  .     i.  -   \ 
i"  M.D."),    having   pointed   ,,,it    that 
should    these    . 

fully  carried  out  they  would  of  them- 

•  -  than  is 
at      pr.--.-ni      filling     the     pap.-r-,     the 

' 


• 


The    air    was    bright,    the    cliffs    were 

The  ballin    OOV8   was  all   !-•  Telie. 
"Thrice     happy     tins,"     I     thought. 

"  wh 

Their  o/one  thus  absurdly  el 
And    stand,     with    trousers    wrinejnc 
wet 

MI  toil  upon  the  furro. 
Untouched  by  urban  doubt  i  r  fear, 
K\C.  et-iratin^  on  the 

I  saw   you  when  the  tide  w;t-  low. 

Poltrepeii,   and  a  i|iiick  sea-chan^.- 
Had  tuniecl  you  into  something     on  ' 

1  low  marvellously  rich  and  stranev  ' 
Like    forest   paths    when    1 

spilt, 
Or  gingerbread  without   the  ^ilt. 

Forgotten  was  the  balmy  blue; 

The    tactless   ebb    no   longer   hid 

A  poignant  exhalation  due 
To  pice.-  ..t  >|.  parted  sijuid  ; 

And  wakened  from  their  mortal  hush 

Ill-mains     of     herrings     wrapped     in 
slush. 

Lost  was  the  low  of  kine,  al 

That  haven  underneath  the  hill, 

In  sounds  I  had  not  learned  to  love, 
That  made  me  feel  cxtr-inelv  ill; 


l! 


takes    some 
sijuish 


Hem-     to    stand     the 


The  Australian  Tariff  Wall. 

•  itiful    1 1 
'•  T-irirt   I'.ill 

than   \\ 
Hut    I  ,    sti||  •• 


Of  hob-nailed  hoot-  on   bead-.  .  i  lish. 
Alas!     Poltrepen,  that  a  nook 

SO  pictllles.|lle   at    l.O   P.M. 
Should  lose  at  f>.<>  its  cheerful  1. 

Alas  (to  make  the  usual  mem.  l 
That   oharming  coigns  of  mirth   and 

light 
So  seldom  have  their  drainage  right. 

DM:  often  hears  of  the  1'ov.  . 
Mi.  IVe—  ..  but  it  is  only  now  and 
th.-n  that  one  gets  a  glimpse  into  the 
extraordinary  influence  which  is 
wielded  by  th.-  editor  of  any  well- 
known  journal.  The  ()j-f,,nl  Time*. 
for  ii  .lancing  :i!  hor 

••my,  ad  :..llows  : 

kocp  a  !•  .if  till  it  i    •  .  .,  .l.i\  - 

H    in    thousands    of    homes 

; 


-o    simpl. 

•  I   daily. 


or  Bear-garden  P 

This   ,  •\ening   tin-    English 

lion    w.-re   entertaining   the   del, 

i.ear  e\i  niiig,'  which  was  made 
on    of    M    great    ovation    in 
fa\oiir    of    Mr.    l,n  l  i.i  II."      l.iri  r/innl 
!>,„!. 


AUGUST  28,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


153 


THE    GROUSE-DRIVING    SEASON. 

AS  OTHERS   SEE   US. 

First  Keeper.  "  WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  o'  THESE  FOLK,  DUNCAN  ?  " 

Second  Keeper.  "Jisr  NAETHINO  AT  ALL.    IF  YIN  o1  THEM'S  NO   EXPLAIN™'  now  HE  CA»  TO    MISS  T:IEU,  TUB  ITIIEE'S  MACKIN'  HE 

UY   DOQ   OFF   HIS   LEGS  LOOKIN'   FOB   BIRDS  HE  *S  NEVER  TOUCHED   AT   ALL  !  " 


THE    POLE    SPA. 


You  recollect  last  August  by  the  sea 

When,  PHYLLIS,  we  essayed  to  pledge  our  true  love 
During  a  game  of  tennis  after  tea — 

Soft  service  only — and  you  triumphed  2 — 0? 
"  Dearest,  be  mine,"  I  muttered  o'er  the  net, 

And  you  made  answer,  "  Yes,  with  all  my  soul,  BILL." 
August  is  here  again,  but  who  could  fret 

For  love  deferred,  when  carping  at  his  coal-bill? 

Warmed  by  the  Gulf-stream !     Is  there  on  the  roll 

Of  bracing  esplanades  that  Neptune  washes 
One  where  an  invalid  is  wise  to  stroll 

Without  his  respirator  and  goloshes? 
No, — and  I  doubt  if  heat-waves  from  the  West 

Would  penetrate  the  wound  where  Cupid's  bolt  is, 
In  one  who  wears  by  day  his  winter  vest, 

And  nightly  slumbers  in  a  linseed  poultice. 


Meanwhile  they  tell  me  that  in  Arctic  snows, 

Where  travellers  rave  at  the  superb  Aurora, 
And  find  the  cleanly  aspect  of  the  floes 

A  compensation  for  defective  flora — 
There — or  in  further  tracts  as  yet  untrod, 

Save  by  the  heroes  of  our  boyhood's  stock  tales — 
The  mercury  remains  at  90-odd, 

And  great  white  bears  are  clamouring  for  cock-tails. 

There  let  us  fly,  my  PHYLLIS,  on  a  sled, 

With  tins  of  patent  cocoa,  and  if  there  a 
Scrcner  hydropathic  hoists  its  head 

Along  a  last  and  loveliest  Riviera, 
Retie  with  tears  the  amatory  knot, 

Do  the  romantic  neighbourhood  with  skis  on, 
And  sip  the  sparkling  waters  in  a  spot 

That  really  does  possess  a  summer  season. 


- — : 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[At'crsr  :?,*,  1907. 


•  m    '  ll"«r  urea  i§  TH»T.  I-LEASE?" 
SiattboUrr  (aye  nnir      "  II..m    M,     -,  v.-tmi:  ,.iv, 


HINTS  '!  BBAL  I:K  M'KItS. 

WIIKN  reading  a  friend's  humorous 
contrihiition     in     a     paper,     d 
quickly  and  in  »ilcn«- ;   then  I,  i 
pan>x  vuin  of  mirth  at  some  paragraph 

flirt  In  r 

Having  had  a  paper  handed  von  for 
'T"«c  of  reading  a  cpedal  para- 
graph, retain  it  to  see  if  there  are  not 
paragraph*  of  equal  or  surpass- 

In  tin-  ir.uii.  \\\  •  someone 

with    an    opei.  rward 

:  •        <•.•-. 

tumi:  •  adv. 

a  polite  remon-tninro.  . 

'      • 


on  a  minute'  "  should  suffice,   with 
out  your  sei/ine,  tin-  lower  corn. 

til.-    |i:i|MT. 

•In-  Clul.  show   \our  varied  last.' 
in  literature  l,y  HOUring  linlf-H 
of    tin-    ni.wt    |H,|iulnr   weeklies.      I: 
tin-  with  tli.-sr  to  n  Inri;,.  chair,  liko  a 
dog  with  Imn.-s  to  Ins  ki-niu-l. 

If  .M.II   liii, I   yourself  do/jur.  ovi-r  :• 
iiciil.  cla»p  it  firmly  to  you.      It 
will    thus    not    on!.  „,    W:inil 

wliil., 

.  w.iU.-. 

ShiHihl   a   frii-inl    l.-n.l    you   ai, 
rve    n     for    i 

>  ,11 

m  tli.-  ! 

in  or  RrpBHo-mnrk.  and  .1 
thuml.  it  M^I  much  in  turning 


lost  in  your  lx->k  tha; 

\oii  urt-  oblivJOUl  to  p-tn-ral  coi:- 
(ion.        Hf.-ak   in   ii"\\    and   tlu-n   with 
a  "  \Vhnt  's  that  '.'  "  or  "  II  !„>  '«  that 
\oii  Vc  talking  alioiit '.'  "  just  to  shmv 
that  \ou  arr  not  selfishly  ;r 
\oiir  own  juirsuits. 

At      II      I'ookstall      s!:il:d      \Mtli      Vnlir 

rlick    or    iimhrclhi     protruding    luiri- 
;Iy  while  pie  the  iii  \\est 

U'-i  k;  'II.  liorroW      the 

attendant's      knife      for     the      uncut 
:    or,     if    too    independent,     rin 
tli.'in   with   an   old   envelop, 
finger. 

immediately     after    a 
IDOal.      Il:ind  the  hill  to  your  frierd. 


SOLACE. 

I  >i  \u  .loir  •  'ir  ire 

To  find  from  ohserva- 
That   puhlic  plaiit  lire 

\    prixat--    application  ; 
And  what  a  man  .1  :;  youth 

As  lint  a  pointless  maxim 
tncs  a   penetrating;  truth 

\Vheiir\er  i\u<-  attacks   him. 

"  Tinir  Jli, .- :     Well,   let   the  beggar 

fly  : 
That  's    what    his    w'r  there 

for. 
My  limhs  are  strong,  my  hopes  are 

high, 

And  that   is  all   I  care  for. 
Tim  i-    ! /;'.  -  \    --illy    saw  ,"    you    said, 

Hut  now  you   understand  it. 
For  Time  keeps  forfjjnjj  mi  ahead. 
And  you  (and   I)  are  stranded. 

Onrf  unlii  tire  ;r/   young'    Agreed." 
You    smiled    ill    comprehel" 
And     f,rave     your     little     "  once  "     at 

An  infin  -ion. 

Hut  now  the  limit   reappears. 

And,  while  your  pace  uruw-  I 
Adow  11  the  hateful  hill  of  years 

Ivduetantly    \ou   tot' 

An<l     so,     all     through,     our     youth 

eh; 

The  wisdmn  of  tin-  M. 
Those  trite  and  ancient  platitudes 

Of  prophets  and  of  M 
It  lifts  us  up  and  hears  us  on  : 

mortal   pow,  r  stops   i. 
I'ntil  at  last,  my  faithful  .Imiv, 

II    tin  >  aw  ay  and  drops  us. 

We     will     not     pr 

iinl  | 
The  mantle  of  its  virtu,'. 

••(   Joys   y,.ii    couldn't    D 
May    \,-\  hut  cannot   hurt   you. 
Our  life  i-  tar, 

Our  hearts  t'row    daily  e'.l 
Yet  know  I  cheerful  m,  n  who 
Con<jidfr«hly  old.  r. 

R.  (.'.    I.. 


rrxrn,  OR  THK  T.OXDOX  CHARIVARI.    A.,,,-,  »,  1907 


REAPING   THE   BENEFIT. 

Aifiiui;  KM.H.IK  (!,,(,•  tenant).  "NEVER  THOUGHT  YOU'D  HAVE  GATHERED  THAT  BIG  CROP  SO 
QUICKLY." 

"C.-B."  (present  tenant).  .MY  DKAll  SIR,  I  OWE  IT  ALL  TO  YOU  AND  THE  ADMIRABLE  LABOUR- 
SAVING  MACHINE  YOU  SO  KINDLY  LEFT  BEHIND." 


.  1907.]  PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


157 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

KXTRACTED   FROM   THE   DlAliY   OF   ToBT,   M.P. 

House   of   J.nrdu,    Monday,    AIKJIIX 
19.— There   is   nothing   really   blood 
thirsty   in  the   nature  of  the   states 
man  long  known  in  tho  Commons  as 
ST.   MK-IIAKL  AND  ALL  ANGELS,  now 
Viscount  ST.    ALDWYN.      (Still  stickb 
to  the  saintly  appellation,  you  see. 
But   there   is   a   certain  measure   o 
provocation  which  stirs  hot  blood  in 
the  mildest  breast. 

House  profoundly  struck  by  little 
incident  happening  in  debate  on 
I'.n-lish  Small  Holdings  Bill.  Pro- 
ceeded throughout  on  that  high 
lc\cl  that  marks  discussion  in  the 
Lords  when  it  is  directed  upon 
a  purely  business  topic.  Had 
apparently  closed  when  ST.  ALDWYN 
was  discovered  standing  at  the 
Table.  It  was  C.-B.  who  was  re- 
sponsible for  the  interposition.  Has 
been  "  saying  things  "  about  the 
Lords,  threatening  them  with  what 
would  happen  if  they  dared  to  throw 
out  or  mutilate  Small  Holdings  Bill. 

"  I  wish,"  said  ST.  ALDWYN,  "  the 
forms  of  our  Constitution  permitted 
the  PRIME  MINISTER  to  be  present 
this  evening." 

There  was  something  about  the 
unconscious  gesture  of  turning  up  his 
cuffs,  the  squaring  of  the  shoulders, 
the  clenching  of  fists,  not  entirely  in 
keeping  with  the  saintly  denomina- 
tion of  the  speaker.  Noble  Lords  in- 
stinctively turned  to  survey  .the 


\Vnn.l>    I. IKK    A    H'AV    WORDS    WITH    THE    VlHMK 
MlMSIKIt. 

(Viscount  St.  Alihv-n.) 


LONG  JOHN  TAKES  THE  "  BAIIV  "  on. 
(Mr.  J-bn  O'C-im-r  and  Viscount  T-rn-r.) 


space  before  the  Throne,  where,  had 
ie   pleased    to   avail    himself   of    his 
mvilege    as    Privy    Councillor,    the 
PREMIER    might    have    stood.       But 
3.-B.  wasn't  born  yesterday.     There 
s  about  him  an  innocency  of  coun- 
.enance,   a  simplicity   of  manner,   a 
general  air  of  benevolence,   that  in- 
vite the  attention  of  the   unscrupu- 
ous.     He  is  just  the   man  who,   as 
took  his  walks  abroad,  would  pre- 
sent   irresistible    attraction    to    the 
practitioner  of  what  is  called  the  con- 
idence  trick.     But  the  enterprising 
xpert    would    speedily    realise    the 
rror  of  his  preliminary  calculation. 

House    of    Lords    the    last    place 
?.-B.  likely  to  be  seen  in  just  now. 
T.  ALDWYN'S  aspiration  unfulfilled. 
With   a   last   hopeless   look   round — 
>eradventure  he  might  be  lurking  in 
he  pens  provided  for  ordinary  Mem- 
)ers  of  tho  other  House — he  turned 
[own  his  cuffs,  resumed  his  seat,  re- 
apsed   into  ordinary   aspect  of   law- 
hiding  Viscount. 

HusiiirKX  done. — Lords  read  Eng- 
ish  Small  Holdings  Bill  a  second 
inie  without  division. 

H«imr    nf    Cninmonit,     Tiicxday. — 
says    BABY    TCRNOUR    has    re- 


ceived communication  from  the 
Scots  Greys,  now  stationed  at  Tid- 
worth,  which  affords  pleasing  evi- 
dence that  gratitude  is  not  dead  in 
the  human  breast.  They  offer  to 
send  up  a  detachment  to  guard  his 
perambulator  in  its  journeys  to  and 
from  the  House.  As  daily  reports  in 
newspapers  show,  the  noble  Vis- 
count, his  soul  seared  by  contempla- 
tion of  the  gallant  Dragoons  trotting 
three  times  daily  over  the  five  miles 
that  separate  Tid worth  from  Bulford, 
has  been  incessant  in  appeals  to  War 
Minister  to  alleviate  their  condition. 
Hearing  of  JOHN  O'CONNOR'S  attack 
last  night  on  their  benefactor, 
anxious  to  protect  him  against  per- 
sonal violence,  they  offer  this  guard, 
composed  of  men  who,  as  nearly  as 
resources  of  regiment  permit,  come 
up  to  LONG  JOHN'S  standard  of 
6  feet  4J  inches.- 

Deplorable  event  leading  up  to  this 
happened  in  dead  of  last  night's 
sitting.  Tilings  looking  dull  on  third 
reading  of  Appropriation  Bill,  I..IM; 
.Ions,  ever  anxious  to  oblige,  pro- 
posed to  vary  them  by  discours- 
ing at  length  on  the  subject  of 
the  arterial  drainage  of  Ireland. 


ITNVH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVABI.  [A*™  28.  1907. 


A  visor ALL  roi  TUK  F«'>irr  Orrosmoji  Btv  n. 

A  itadr  of  the  almmt  (renxied  delight  with  which  certain  distinguished  gentlemen  i  • 
a  rnalr*  adiniicion  n(  the   Prime   Minister'*   that  "Uctics"  had  some   jurt   in   the   politic* 
opcifB  against  the  Lank.     (Such  thing*  »r  •  of  coune  unheard  of  in  "  another  place. ') 


BABY  TI-RNOI-R.  wide  awake  in  his 
„•  Gangway,  audibly 
sniggered.  J/OMI  .Ions, 
tempered,  mo-t  pleasant-mannered 
of  mm.  couldn't  stand  that.  Had 
the  advantage  «  f  ST.  Ai.nwvs  in 
the  '  •>  reference  to  C.-H. 

inasmuch  an  the  <  hjcct  of  his  kindly 

!it  was  actually  in  House. 
"  It."    In-    snid.    "  tho    noble    lord 
.  .iitwide  th--  precincts  he  should 
re  tin-  treatment  his  inano  con- 
duct    . 

in      his     monumental      height 
1,0x0    ,I<iiis    regarded    our    \«\.' 
Mcmh  T  with  a  look  dark  enough  t<> 
make    a   grown-up    trmil.li-.       What 
if    h<-    strode    across    tho    Gangway, 
tucked  him   ii-idi  r  his   l>  ft   nrm,   cur 
him  outside,   and   nroc«-.-.l,-,l    to 
ndu.iM-t'-r  reproof  with  his  right  fist'.1 
HMIY      TfRXofR,      jumping      up. 
clainn-.l    protection    of   Chair    against 
what  hi-  d'-wriU  d  as  "  practically  a 
threat  of  personal  violeiie,  ."     I1 
SPEAKER  mildly  remarked  ho  thought 
no    mich    int.  .is    suggested 

T>is<.  disposed   to  skulk 

air. 

"  If  I  had  him  grimly 

remarked.  .Id  tr.-nt  his  obwr- 

ii*  not  as  those  of  a  nnhlc  lord 
but  as  those  of  an  impudent  pm 

A   i  ii  this.     In  broad 

dayl:.  :««TK  might    i 

disposed  to  consider  it   from   various 
points  of  view.     As  it   wa»,  th 


Unionists  present  broke  into  agonise<] 
•ry  of  "  Oh  !  Oh  !  "  PBITTY  SI-KAKKR 
'nsistcd  on  withdrawal  of  the  im]>u- 
lent  puppy-  I."N<.  -Ions  sat  unre 
sponsive.  At  length,  on  personal  in 
tervention  of  \YiuTKLKY,  a  practica 
man  who  wanted  to  get  on  wit! 
business,  ho  withdrew  the  phrase 
punctiliously  explaining  that  the  con 
cession  was  made  " 

>  t      for      you, 
Rnuxn." 


entirely  out  o 
Mr.      DEPUTY 


done.  —  On  resumption  o 
sitting  Scottish  Land  Values  Bil 
carried  over  report  stage.  The  Lords 

1   Wife's   Sister  Bill 
second  time  by  111  votes  to  79. 

IIYfinrnf/di/,      8     A.M.  --  Evictee 

Tenants    Hill   hack    from   the   Lords 

Houso     invited     to     consider     the! 

Amendments.     These  numerous  ant 

is  in  import.       When   moved   ii 

other    plin  -tolltly    Hoisted    li\ 

CRKWK.  ;   hut   what   was  ho   and    th 
Ministerial       f'lllowing      among      so 
ninny'.1    After  taking  one  or  two  divi 


I'layi-d    hopeli-ss    • 
new  of   numbers   was  content    witl 

.ir   hoy,"    In-   said 

talking   t-  ••   o\.r    afterwards 

"  1    think    it    was    the    best    thing    t 
do.     You   renn-mbi-r  th.-   s!,,ry 


the    old    snilor    with    a 


leg 


1   l.y   n  syinj  (y   trippe 

how  hi-  eaiiie  '  )..    lin-ntiolle 

urk.     '  And    what    did    you    d 


.lien    the    shark    s.-i/.-d    your 
,nd    tli.-    int.  r  tor.      '  1    just 

et     him     have     it,1     nns\\  er.-.l      the 
lonest    tar.      '  1    km-w    it    «:> 
lisputing  with  u  shark.'    Of  co, 
|,,u't    mean    to   carry    the    simile    !<*> 
ar.      lint     you     will     see     that     the 
tory    has    some    application    to    my 
...si'tion     in    charge    of    the     Kviete.l 
I'eiiai.ts'  Hill  in  Committ'-e." 

Hill  reached  in  Commons  at  half- 
tins  morning.  Stuck 
it  it  till  8  o'clock.  Work  finished, 
;oing  oil  home.  Hock  again  '2.  !.">  this 
ifternooii. 

Iliixincti  done. — Quite  a  lot, 
through  continuous  sitting  of  17 
lours. 

Thursday. — During  the-  Session  the 
snow  has  with  marked  persistence 
Irifted  over  I'IUN.  K  ARTIU-R'S  head, 
•hanging  the  colour  of  the  locks  of 
•year.  Hut  he  is  ruddy  and 
iright  in  countenance;  !."!.-  >\ 
tremely  lit  after  seven  months'  hard 
laLoiir'  at  Wostminster.  Keelining 
.n  small  of  his  hack  on  the  almost 
•mpty  Front  Opposition  Ileneh,  lie 
is  just  now  mentally  reviewing  the 
S'-ssioii,  thinking  of  what  it  has 
brought  him  of  good  or  e\il. 

Too  modest  to  recognise  thai,  on 
the  whole,  it  has  h.-i-n  for  him  p.  r- 
sonally  a  successful  campaign.  He 
has  recaptured  the  position  of  predo- 
minance imperilled,  for  a  while  lost. 
in  the  new  Parliament.  There  hud 
come  in  with  a  rush  a  throng  of  men 
who  knew  not  Aimim,  had  IK.  sym- 
pathy with  his  pretty  ways.  They 
have  now  heeii  educated;  sul.mit  to 
his  fascination  with  the  docility  of 
long  trained  Parliaments  that  suc- 
ceeded each  other  under  his  Leader- 
ship. 

Throughout,  as  happened  in  th. 
final  sessions  of  last  Parliament. 
his  most  embarrassing  foes  hav. 

I.eell      those      of      Ills      OW  II      household. 

Kvcii  at  beginning  of  current   S. 
there    was    incipient    mutiny    in    the 
thinned       ranks;       murmurs       that 
"    \i:i  lint     will     ne\i-r     do ;  "     com- 
plaints that  in  spite  of  verbal  fencing 

miiined  unsound  on  subject  i.| 
Tariff  lie  form. 

Since   the  controversy   was  starl.-ij 
thousands     of     speeches     have     been 
made,    numberless   editorial    columns 
have    been    written,    derisive    of,     le 
monstrant    with.     Puts*  i      AiiTiini' 
methods  of  contributing  to  it.      Year 
\i  \\M\N,   all   unconscious  of  tin 
future-,    described    tin-in    in    a    phrasi 
that   for  precision  and  picturesi|ucness 

.Is  all  lengthier  commentaries 
Writing  lit  a  critical  time  in  Churcl 
history  ..f  the  Anglican  Hi»ho| 

them    IIS   "   steering   betW'-el 


AUGUST  28,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


159 


the  Scylla  of  Aye  and  the  Charybdis 
of  Nay,  through  the  channel  of  No- 
meaning." 

Can't  beat  that  as  crystallizing  de- 
scription of  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  atti- 
tude on  Tariff  Reform  question. 

Once  this  Session  fresh  attempt 
made  to  force  the  wary  Leader's 
hnnd.  Notice  of  motion  raising  the 
question  was  given  by  a  colleague  on 
Front  Bench.  Good  Tariff  Reformers 
gleefully  rubbed  their  palms  to- 
gether. 

"Now  we've  got  him,"  they 
said.  "  With  all  his  skill  and  prac- 
tice he  can't  dodge  LYTTELTON'S 
motion." 

After  all  they  didn't  know  their 
PRINCE  ARTHUR.  He  spoke  for  an 
hour,  his  voice  and  manner  suggest- 
ing that  he  was  consumed  by  right- 
eous indignation  about  something  or 
other.  What  it  was  exactly  his  audi- 
ence, like  little  Pcterkin's  mentor  dis- 
coursing on  another  historical  con- 
flict, "  could  not  well  make  out." 
Certainly  when  he  sat  down  he  was 
no  further  committed  to  Tariff  Re- 
form than  when  he  rose  with  assumed 
intent  finally  to  declare  himself. 

Exceedingly  clever  but  nothing 
new.  Repetition  of  physical  or  in- 
tellectual feat,  however  smart,  palls 
on  repetition.  Still  there  is  satisfac- 
tion in  having  once  more  run  the 
gauntlet  unscathed;  more  still  in 
knowing  that  the  Session  is  practi- 
cally over,  and  through  the  long  re- 
cess no  one  will  expect  him  to  make 
a  speech  about  Tariff  Reform. 

Business  done. — Winding  it  up. 


THE  BUCK-EYED  VIEW. 

'[Being  a  free  versified  paraphrase  of  the 
impressions  of  the  "  Buck-eye  Daisies,"  the 
batch  of  "prize  girls"  from  Ohio  who  lately 
visited  Europe.--V'u/e  "Daily  Ttlegraah," 

Aivjutt  22.]     ' 

FRESH  returned  from  ancient  Yurrop, 
The  delightful  Buck-eye  Daisies 

Have  recorded  their  impressions 
In  illuminating  phrases. 

They    have    seen,    these    maids    en- 
trancing, 

Sights  that  set  their  pulses  dancing, 
Spires  and  palaces  galore, 
Statues,  pictures  by  the  score — 
TITIAN,  MICHAEL  ANGELO — 
But  they  never  saw,  O  no  I 
Any  sight  or  any  show 
Half  as  great  ns  Ohio; 
Anything  so  fine  and  frank 
As  the  manhood  of  the  Yank. 

Somewhat  chary  in  their  praises 
Are  the  breezy  Buck-eye  Daisies. 
They  declare,  in  tones  emphatic, 
Germans  are  "  too  automatic," 


Shopman  (to  undecided  customer  come  to  purrliage  a  day-trough).    "  WOULD   TOO  LIKE   OSE 
WITH   '  DOO  '  PAINTED  ON   IT,   MADAM  ?  " 

Cuiitomer.  "  N-uo.    You  SKE,  THE  DOO  i  AN'T  HEAD,  AND  SIT  HUSBAND  DOESN'T  DRINK  WATER  ! " 


And  the  chivalrous  Parisian, 
Though  he  dwells  in  fields  Elysian, 
In  their  free-and-easy  way 
They  pronounce  a  "  popinjay." 
Clumsy  to  the  Buck-eye  view 
Is  the  English  woman's  shoe. 
And,  although  they  have  confessed 
Her  complexion  is  the  best,' 
Unrelentingly  they  add 
That  her  style  in  dress  is  bad. 

Unexpected  are  the  phases 
Of  the  gentle  Buck-eye  Daisies. 
How  a  maiden  Transatlantic 
Can  be  so  insane  and  frantic 
As  to  wed  a  titled  gent 
Of  European  descent — 
This  prodigiously  amazes 
Patriotic  Buck-eye  Daisies. 

Yet,  though  liberal  of  blame, 
We  adore  you  all  the  same; 
For,  delightful  to  relate, 


You  have  been  alleged  to  state 
That  "  The  Englishman  is  great." 
And  for  this,  O  Buck-eye  Daisies, 
We  forgive  you  all  your  phrases. 


"  Of  all  sad  words  of  tongue  or  pen 
The  saddest  are  these  'It  might 
have  been.' " 

In  the  first  semi-final  Messrs. 
H.  and  R.  passed  the  winning  post 
together,  when  the  latter  turned 
turtle,  and  but  for  the  untimely 
efforts  of  two  clubmates,  he  might 
have  been  drowned." — Sportsman. 


"The  bride  and  bridegroom  were  the  re- 
cipients of  a  large  number  of  parents,  which 
were  !•<  th  handsome  and  useful." — I^eytonstone 
Expreet. 

CERTAINLY  on  such  an  occasion 
everybody  seems  ready  enough  with 
parental  advice. 


lie 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


- 


THE    KISS    AND    THE    CURSE. 

j.le    of    A)  'd    of 

Light)  a  rather  fatuous  trill,  ,  culled 

fke  1  >•'< '   A  ,-<<•«.  and    i 

leraonauf.  •-   F.TIIKI.    Ii. 

[n  the  par  •  widow,  tin 

..a  ill  K.I 

Elavoli).   alie  entertained    with   great 
avishuess   in   her   villa   at    S.rr.nto. 
•>•    large-hearted,    indeed,    wa- 
lumauity     that     she     allowed     j'.-i 
orange-girl     and     fisherman     of 
harming  watering-place  to  have 
the  free  run  of  her  house,  and  in  the 
case  of  the  women  to  stay  the  night, 
•theless.    her   duties   of    hotsteas 
aat   very   lightly    \i\*>n    In  r.   and   she 
bund  time  for  a  dainty  exhibition  of 
pink  hose  and  an  extremely  clever  im- 
peraouation  of  Madame  /w.          II-  r 
pin-t  ease  of  manner  served  as  a  foil 
[or  the  strenuous  buffooneries  of  Mr. 
WALTER  I'ASSMORK  as  a  local  dotard, 
and   Mr.    ALFRKD    I  r.   FHK  as  "  The 
Tourist's   Friend  "   and   general   fac- 
totum. 

Apart     from     tin      XAM  i<i     imita- 
tion   there    was    not    much    to    rive 
the   diaphragm,    though    there    was 
humour    in    the    Bold    Conspirators' 
Quintet,      in      which      Mr.      WII.I.IK 
WARDF.  was  delightfully   improbable, 
and  Mr.  WILLIAM  PKIV.I  i    very  hap- 
pily illustrated  the  limited  relaxation 
permissible  to  the  dignity  of  a  Con- 
teaaa's  footman.     Even  so,  the  song 
compared    unfavourably    with    "  The 
Bogey  Man  "  of  the  old  Leslie  days. 
Mr.  PASSMOKF.'S  glistening  face  was 
sufficient  testimony  to  his  energetic 
methods,  and  1  understand  from  the 
eritn-H  that  if  he  is  only  given  time 
he  will  extract  a  wealth  of  humour 
from  his  part.      Meanwhile  a  flatter- 
ing   audience    was    content    to    be 
tickled  by  dialogue  of  this  sort : 
A.  You  'II  get  a  decree  in»i. 
H.   I  'II  give  jou  a  nice  eye. 
Mr.  TALBOT'H  attractive  music  was 
wasted  on  the  book,  whose  plot  was 
thin  to  the  point  of  emaciation.     It 
aeetus  that  in  Sorrento  (where  much 
else  occurs  that  is  unusual)  there  is 
a  floating   family   tradition   that   en- 
gaged couples   may   not   kiss 
than  twice  before  marriage.     For  tin- 
Italian    temperament,    and    so    near 
Vesuvius  too,  the  figure  strikes  one 
aa  inadequate.      Still,  there  it  waa, 
and  when  you  broke  the  rule  a  curse 
came  on  you,  and  your  smack  (if  you 
were    a    fisherman)    iiiNtantly    foun- 
dered.    Hut  there  waa  a  charm  t 
the  curse,  and  it  resided  ii 
Hfiuff-U.x.      r  •  -ly    this   talis- 

man had  been  taken  out  of  the  conn- 
••  Italian  law  about 


works  of  art),  und  l.ad  dJMppeand  i" 

It   was  u   \ 

I. ut  we  ki.ow  of  what  stuff  this  |.ra\.' 
•,to      t'isin  rf.  II;      ( und      purlieu- 
Mr.     WM.II  i:     Ihi'i  '    H    i 

riti- 


•r  I'imprnrlli    .  Mr.  WAITER 
<:in4!hi Mr.  WILLIE  WMHE. 

nutely.  by  doubling  buck  on  his 
traces.  In-  overtakes  it  in  tin-  }•• 
sion  of  a  \\'iin|M>le  Street  physician, 
who  happens  to  be  on  a  visit  (like 
most  other  people)  at  the  Villa 
Ravogli.  A  great  piece  of  luck,  for 
if  he  had  been  two  seconds  later  the 
final  curtain  would  have  cut  off  his 
pursuit. 

There    was    a    pretty    girl    in    tin 
chorus.       O.  S. 

J1OOERNAUT. 

I   NoTicKii  that  JOSKM  WHS  looking 
pale  and  worn  when  I  met  him.  an<" 

•it  into  a  tea-shop  to  chat. 
1  What  is  it?  "  I  asked. 
"  I  am  developing  a  sivth  - 
he  answered,  with  a  shoe-king  laugh 

"  something    lie\er    before    owned     b\ 

Man.       I  live  nt  a  corner  which  has 
1    as    a    stopping    anc 
starting     place     by     motor-buses     o 
il  denominations ;  my  bedroom 
.••Hooks     the     roinl     b; 
which  an  entire  line  of  them   poinnl 
mewiird  way  from  I'ltima  Thuli 
all  ni^'ht  long.     Talk  of  th< 
that    the    senses   of    the    wild    India! 

'liing    at     nil.    m\ 

Sir.    to   what    the   civi'.  IMIH- 

ix   having   tliru-t    u|x,n    lum.        I    t.-l 
you   I  enn  nlr  nguish  a   Van 

guard     fp.n.     n     Union-Jack     nt     fift\ 


without     |.«)kiiijr     out     of    n, \ 
MIL I 

••ii^-ht    t.,   1:0    ' 

i      ,'.|,  nni, -I:  for  I  had 

il\\..i>  ,   truthful 

I  1     tO     the 

' 

'  '•  llOp         I  :H          t" 

: 

I  '    n't      tell      me    -let      me 
he  cried  childishly. 

•    ninu   intently 
tin-  -Inking   increasing   in    violence 
\ery  moment,  "  this  isn't  a  (iein-ral 
il   isn't  a  bus  nt  all.      It  's  a  heavy 

van  with  six  rylind' 
At     this     the     vibration     suddenly 
I.         The    waitress    hail    leached 
>ur  table  and  was  in  rej 


jESOP    i»N    Tul  i;. 
\  \OCTIIKCI.  Stage-player,  nppronch- 
ng    the    front -door    of    the    eminent 
Dentist  between  whose  daughter  and 
limself  a  marriage  had  been  arm- 

irpri>-e.|    to    see    issuing    tin-re- 
It.  in      the      elderly      Actor 
whose  understudy  he  was.    The  • 
larity    and    robustness   of    In-    Chief's 

i:nd    lollL'    beell    a    . 

mice  to  him,  siiu  r  thereby  the  Oppor- 
tunity that  was  to  bring  him  fame 
and  fortune  and  incidentally  his 
affianced  bride  was  indetiniielv 
|», in-d;  but  he  had  always  dissembled 
his  Annoyance,  and  i;  :  any 

inkling  thereof  which  accounted  foi- 
l-he gr.-:it  man  greeting  him  with  a 
meredrmit,  as  the  first  -n.mn  ,1  strode 
down  the  steps  with  his  Pockel- 
handkerchief  pn  <- ,1  li^htlv  against 
his  mouth.  And  jiondenng  these 
things  the  rndersludy  cut. -red  tin- 
house  and,  undeterred  by  the  novel 
contents  of  the  maga/incs  t,,r  tin- 
year  before  last  in  the  waiting- 
room,  pressed  steadily  forward  to 
tin-  iniieimost  sanctimry  of  the 
l>entist.  And  finding  it  empty  In- 
searched  it  until  he  espied  n 
sijuare  Hox,  in  the  superscription 

whereof    appear,-, I    tin  f    the 

i  :   and    IKHIIIC- 

ing  ii|H)ii  it  I ndeiiMiiin-d  to  s, -,-ret,- 

it  in  I.  ket.     "  Alia  '  "  In- 

exclaimed   many    I  r,   rattling 

the    contents    of    tin-     box     horribly, 
'    curfew     shall    not    ring    to-night  ' 
And,  the  daughter  of  the  house  run- 
ning in  at  that  ini -tin-lit,  be  einl  • 
her,    even     in     tin-     pr-  f    tin1 

Chair;  and.  showing  her  what  he  bud 
found.  In-  told  In-r  gleefully  whose 
they  v.  I  know,"  said  the 

dams.-l  ;    "    p;n  ,!1    the 

morning  fixing  him  up  with  a  t.-m- 
Dorarj 

MOIIAL  :     //    y    en    a    tnuj"iirs    lei 
nnlrcs. 


AUGUST  28,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


161 


BRUCE. 

A  SHOUT  STUDY  OF  A  GREAT  LIKE. 

BRUCE  is  a  cricket.  When  I  am 
lying  awake  o'  nights,  thinking  of  all 
the  wonderful  things  I  am  going  to 
do  on  the  morrow,  BRUCE  is  on  his 
back,  somewhere  behind  the  boiler, 
singing  to  himself. 

Looking  back  on  the  days  when  I 
first  knew  him,  it  seems  strange  to 
reflect  that  there  was  a  time  when 
I  almost  wanted  to  kill  him.  That 
was  before  I  understood  that 
he  was  really  quite  out  of 
reach  behind  the  boiler.  The 
first  night  (how  absurd  it 
sounds  now)  I  got  out  of  bed 
with  a  slipper,  tracked  him 
three  times  round  the  room, 
and  returned  to  bed  very  cold 
and  mystified.  The  next  day 
I  spoke  to  the  housekeepei 
about  it,  and  learnt  that  1 
should  never  be  able  to  gel 
the  slipper  on  to  him  properly. 

On  that  night  he  sang  more 
loudly  than  ever;  the  way  he 
kept  the  note  was  wonderful. 
I  decided  to  call  him  BRUCK 
and,  as  he  and  the  boiler  were 
fixtures,  to  make  the  best  of 
him.  Even  so  I  did  not  lovi- 
him.  The  intrinsic  merits- 
of  his  song  were  few — the  posi- 
tion from  which  he  gave  it 
argued  a  want  of  confidence  in 
his  powers. 

And  then  I  made  a  wonder- 
ful discovery.  I  was  told  by 
a  man  who  knew  a  little  more 
,'ibout  crickets  than  1  did  that 
BKUCE  did  not  sing  in  the 
ordinary  sense  of  the  word, 
but  that  the  chirping  noise 
characteristic  of  him  he  made 
by  rubbing  his  knees  together. 
And  the  same  with  grass- 
hoppers. 

Now  I  invite  you  to  con- 
sider what  this  really  means. 
There  is  a  heroism  about  this 
that  is  truly  wonderful.  Pic- 
ture to  yourself  a  hot  August 
night;  on  the  one  hand,  my- 
self in  bed  dropping  comfort- 
ably off  into  a  peaceful  slumber — on 
the  other  hand,  BRUCE  behind  the 
boiler  vigorously  rubbing  his  knees 
together.  The  contrast  is  a  ter- 
rible one.  I  don't  know,  but  I 
should  think  that  BRUCE  must  be  a 
Socialist  by  now. 

Of  course  I  want  to  know  two 
things.  First,  how  did  BRUCE  get 
behind  the  boiler;  secondly,  why 
does  he  rub  his  knees  together? 
There  are  seventy-two  steps  up  to 
my  rooms;  if  he  came  by  the  stairs 
it  was  a  long  and  tiring  journey  for 


him,  and  there  was  always  the 
chance  of  finding  me  out.  Perhaps 
he  came  straight  up  the  hot-water 
pipe— Excelsior1 ! 

1   like  the  picture  of  him  coming 


up  the  hot-water  pipe, 
had  others  with  him. 


Probably  he 
They  would 


take  up  position  on  the  first  three 
floors. 

"  Hallo,  wherever  are  you  off  to?  " 
they  would  say  to  BRUCE,  as  they  sat 
down  and  began  to  rosin  their  knees. 

"  How    do   j'ou    know    there   isn't 


temptiblc.  I  don't  even  know  why 
he  wants  to  rub  his  knees  together 
so  violently.  Is  it  merely  a  nervous 
spasmodic  twitching?  Oh  no,  it 
cannot  be  that.  It  may  bo  with  tin- 
others,  but  not  with  BRUCE.  But 
if  he  does  it  deliberately,  docs  h< 
never  get  tired?  Do  his  knee*  H.-VIT 
wear  out?  When  does  he  t;ik<- 
nourishment? 

That  brings  me  to  another  point. 
What  does  BRUCE  eat?  He  might 
possibly  tap  the  boiler  for  hot  wnlcr 
•now  and  then,  hut  how  does 
he  manage  for  food?  Is  his 
diet  animal,  vegetable,  or 
mineral?  Mineral,  it  would 
appear.  .  .  . 

It  is  twelve  o'clock.  I  have 
had  a  hard  day's  work,  and  I 
am  tired.  There  is  no  noise 
save  from  the  direction  of  the 
boiler.  As  I  lie  awake,  my 
thoughts  arc  with  BRUCE.  He 
has  abandoned  his  whole  soul 
to  his  song.  For  one  moment, 
it  is  true,  I  am  tempted  to 
Say,  "Confound  the  beast, 
why  won't  he  let  me  go  to 
sleep?  But  then  I  think 

of  his  noble  unselfish  life, 
think  of  his  unceasing  labour 
and  of  his  love  for  music. 
And  I  recall,  too,  how  in  the 
face  of  disappointments  which 
•vould  have  soured  and  em- 
bittered the  life  of  another,  he 
has  remained  cheerful.  For 
while  hustlers  have  sung 
hymns  in  praise  of  the  bee, 
and  have  recommended  the 
sluggard  to  the  ant,  no  one 
has  yet  done  justice  to  the 
tireless  life  of  the  cricket.  .  .  . 
BRUCE,  I  raise  the  water- 
bottle  to  you.  More  power  to 
vour  knees !  A.  A.  M. 


ECLIPSED. 

A  REGENT  STREET  STUDY  m  THE  SLACK  SEASON. 


another  floor?"  BRUCE  would  answer. 
"  Anyhow,  I  'm  going  to  see." 

"  Don't  be  an  ass.  It  's  warm 
enough  here  for  anybody." 

"  No,  I  think  I  '11  just  go  on  a  bit. 
There  's  a  chap  up  here  who  's  never 
heard  '  Bluebell.'  ' 

Perhaps,  though,  BRUCE  was  born 
behind  the  boiler.  I  should  be  sorry 
to  think  that.  I  don't  like  the  idea 
of  him  taking  advantage  of  the  ac- 
cidents of  birth  in  this  way.  I  prefer 
to  regard  him  as  a  self-made  cricket. 

My   knowledge   of  BRUCE  is   con- 


THE  midnight  meeting  of 
the  EMPEROR  of  GERMANY  and 
the  TSAR  of  RUSSIA  is  like  to 
become  historic.  One  of  the 
results  of  it  is  announced  by 
The  Telegraph  as  follows : 

"Germany  would  be  disposed  to 
advance  250  marks  to  Russia,  on  condition 
that  the  total  amount  was  applied  to  the  con- 
struction of  war  vessels  in  German  shipyards." 
And  now  all  the  TSAR  has  to  do  is  to 
think  of  a  good  last  line,  and  the 
national  credit  will  be  restored. 


Literary  Candour. 

How  authors  may  supplement 
their  professional  incomes:  — 

"  The  fullest,  and  in  many  respects  the  best 
biography.  It  is  largely  based  on  original 
documents  and  letters  entrusted  to  the  authors, 
many  of  which  have  never  been  seen  since." — 
Sothcran'i  Catalogue. 


1< 


,1  H,  on  JHK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
•h'*  &<if  of  learned 

The  '•>    !•'•">•*    lv 

_,  m  b-  taken  from  peasant  life 

:          •  •    literrauean  and<  kb  r  MMO!  thi 
.uthor  has  studied   the  vegetation 

particularity,  and  is  eloquent,  m  the 
wav  he  knows  so  well,  over  the  lights  and  shades  that 
terraced  hills.       1  -I  ''"    '"  ;>rl  of  it8 

r~~~  something  more  is  needed  than  a  botanic.. 

r.  rmi.Lrom.  who  is  always  at  h  ug  his 

folk  .  •  **.  doea  not  hen-  impose  himself  as  any- 

r  than  an  intelligent  traveller  with  a  pleasant 

appreciation  <<:  MAI-PASSANT   is   his   model; 

but   h.    HU-S4S  the   subtlety  of  the  M:,  :t,  his  flair 

for  (h  -nation  on  which  to  build  the  short  story. 

too     much    of    crude,     elemental    emotion, 

xv  and  passion  and  the  lust  for  blood,  in  these  toy- 

•'«  froi«,  and 

a  family  resemblance 
tlu-r.     Far 
~t  of  the 

'The  Skipper's 
Bible."  is  one  of  the 
few  that  have  an 
atmo- 
A  negro, 

condemned  t<>  death, 
ng    shipped    to 

• 
- 
to    improve    In- 

-f  lite- 
rat  ur-  d  for 
that  end.  But  there 
is  no  such  literature 
in  this  godless  ship. 
"f  the 

Bible     belonging     to 

\  :inkee 

r.      who,      for 

pure    ciissedlli  - 

it   up. 

In.      BbfUl     mat.-, 
d.-t. -nnined  ut  all  costs  to  let  the  nigger  have  a  ci 
d.-niands  the   (..nil  of  it,   and   it   is  only   after  a  terrific 
p.  in   which  both  parties  come  within  an  ace  of 
ng.  that  he  wrests  the  Bible  from  its  stricken  pro- 

Th! 

author's    reputation.      !!•     ,-    ess  ntially 
needs  room  in  which  to  spread  himself 


B8,  r.K'7. 

nil.l   l.eliev.-   in  him.      Men   aren't 
Untl        ihcr  hand  the  h.-min.-  ..(  ll 
;•»   in.-thrr.    i-   .  lovable   «-;,. 

01 


, 

:lv  h.'.w  iM..i'h,  .>  are."     Yet,  after  reading  ti 
I    (,.  I'tlial    is  it   A/iir/.    who   is  the   real   living   eliarn 
and    that    Mary    I..<rcll    is    simply    a    lay    ti-  The 

make  'the   .-Liiiiii-'n   mistake  of   thinkint;   that    if 

|     u    thilil.'    "ftell    enough     pi-nple    will     he] 

.rin«    what    11   splendid    mother 
'.\/,ir;.-  had,  and  that  I  to  her;  nearly 


.  , 

••  in  t.hc  IxMih  'Mat  she  is  tl 

uoiiian  in  the  world:  hut   Mary  l.<-r<  ll  hers.  If  n,-\er  sa\s 
v  thin},'  to  make  on.-  even   think  her  rather  a 
df  'Mr.   and    Mi-.    Vttt    sh..iiM  read   Thf   I'ounlnj 
//..use  they  will  see  that  it  d.-.-s  i:ot  requir. 


either  the  author  or  any  of  his  ehic  I  rue 

.....  ther  infinitely  loval.le.)     With    Mark   it  ent; 

at  ativ  rate  he  does  soi-u-  thiii.:s  which  are  minutely  and 
realistically    dc-i-rilied.        In    the    hnntinj,'    and    steeple- 

ehasinv  tin- 

authors  are  at  their 
and  in  ll.-  ii 
description  of  tin- 
test  match  not  far 
behind  it.  Hut  I 
like  most  of  all 
Mnrli'x  tir-t 
to  sc-hool,  with  his 
pathetic  en<|uiry  of 
,-\  ervhn.lv.  "1  .v 

it  'II      1  - 
ri}:ht.   d..n't    v 


THE  MOTOR  lUnnfto  U*nme. 


.1   --.  attains  to  save  the  black  mans 
rich  in  humour  and  irony. 


soul. 


pe  that   this  t>ook  will  en-atly  add  to  the 

a    writer    who 
Hut  his 


pit-tin-  (.minted,  and  these  warm  colours 

.,f  ihi-  South  nr«-  n  timely  change  from  tin-  drahs  and 


Tin  • 

1  i  k  e  1  i  h  o  i.  d      that 
is         of         Tin 
It  ,i  ii     «  I      I.  il  ,i  r  K 
,  Mi:Tiin  s 
firm,     by     tin 

-y  prolific 
for  tin- off-season  i  w  ill 
shortly  startl. 
their  calm  the  \..un;.' 
L'.-nil.-m.-iiol  Messrs. 
C.IOK'S  bur.-aux  by 
demanding  return 
tickets  for  Svrenvik  and  I..-rk-troin.  I'inland  lit  w.-  mav 
Mr.  I'M  i.  WAINKMAX)  is  a  place  ol  sunshine  and 
blue  waters,  of  white  heather  and  wild  strawberries, 
that  comes  MTV  near  the  cinematograph  for  rapid 
pictorial  effects.'  And  what  if  the  bold  accommoda- 
tion is  rather  limited,  when  a  farmhouse  can  j_'i\i  \..n 


mushrooms  in   cream   and   /.;'.  r/x    with   a   s-ihol     .f   sw.-.-t 
marrow  and  glierkins  for  breakfast  '    Hut  the  plot- 
than  grass)  are  apparent  1\  nut  so  radiant  ;  tin  i 
..(  M:ii-t.-rlinckian  presage  of  woe  and  symbolic  nlscurity 
about  this  book,  that  mal..-  us  a  bit  shivery  in  -pile  "f 


•or». 

its  sun;  no  one  seems  to  com                  'pp^y  ""t  of  it. 
\nt"niit''     iwb'i    dies)     and    a    promising 

fothcr'$  Son.  by  B.  and  i 
M                                                                :           »  \\'li<>  hk.-  tlu- 
l.(>\                                  larch,    1807:  o.s.  of  the  late 
•  "liege, 
1  1>  •                                Oxford    Ui                  •              \\   . 

(l\-                                                                                                           imhridKe 
M     '                                                                                         Club 
Ml    Kngland    XI 
(irand    Niitional. 
"•  :     HnntiiiK.        (Vu/>.     M  '                            ird  ' 

idyll  cui!                      --l\    to  gri(  :         \L-ain.  then-  is  f.-u 
too  much  m;                        ab.mt    l-'r^L,  >i    Hihlnr'H  relati 
far  too  great  a   profusion   aUnit   those  of  the  w 
.il    kind.      <  hi.-    01     tu                                              -inr    like 
"  the    hinise    that    .1  A.  K    built."       Nor   d»   we   h.-lieve    that 
n   n-.                               tin.-   Inr    Fiimi*hi    would   say.    "  |-',v--n 
an     F.n^li-bman    is    not    ,  v-mpt.-d     by    l'ro\  id.  -nee    from 
.-••Ids."      Th.-s.-.  how.-\.-r.   ar>-  minor  details;   as  a   Word- 
pict                           •             .-in-ry  this  no\  .  1  almost   .-nabl' 
to  f.  .i  n,   a  m.-ntiil                          'imiin  r. 

SEPTEMBER  4,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


163 


CHARIVARIA. 

IN  view  of  the  official  announce- 
ment that  our  Government  has  de- 
cided not  to  lay  down  an  additional 
battleship  in  any  event  while  the 
Peace  Conference  is  sitting,  certain 
Powers  are  said  to  be  in  favour  of 
the  permanent  sitting  of  the  Confer- 
ence. *  * 

Captain  GROGAN  has  addressed  a 
letter  to  the  Governor  of  British  East 
Africa  expressing  re-  - 
gret  at  his  action  in 
flogging  natives  at 
Nairobi,  and  those 
persons  in  this  coun- 
try who  adjudged  the 
captain  innocent  with- 
out giving  him  a 
hearing  consider  that 
he  should  have  con- 
sulted them  before 
making  this  admis- 
sion. 

V 

An  International 
Congress  of  Anarch- 
ists was  held  last 
week  at  Amsterdam. 
To  the  great  annoy- 
ance of  the  Anar- 
chists an  Interna- 
tional Congress  of 
Detectives  was  held 
at  the  same  time  and 
place. 

Mr.  QuELcn,  who 
retired  from  Stutt- 
gart on  being  threat- 
ened with  expulsion, 
has  been  congratu- 
lated by  his  confreres 
on  his  "  courageous 
stand  against  the  ac- 
tion of  the  German 
(iovenunent  Police." 
He  did  not  take  it 
"  lying  down,"  he 
took  it  walking  away. 

Meanwhile  the 
English  Socialists  are  still  nursing  a 
?rievance  against  the  President  of 
:he  Stuttgart  Congress  who,  when 
hey  were  making  a  disturbance,  re- 
quested them  "  to  behave  like  good 

Social   Democrats."        rr" J~~' — 

ihat    that 
doing. 


The  Macrjelen  Lake,  at  the  foot  of 
I  In'  <,'reat  Aletsch  glacier  in  Switzer- 
land, has  suddenly  disappeared.  Jt  is 
thought  by  some  that  recent  geo- 
logical disturbances  have  caused  a 
subsidence.  Others,  however,  sus- 
pect some  American  souvenir-hunters 
who  were  recently  in  the  district. 
*  * 

The  Ameer  of  Afghanistan  is  de- 
termined to  be  in  the  fashion.     This 


up-to-date  monarch,   it  is  said,   has 


such    word    to   be    illuminated    afte 
dark. 


V 


PEDESTRIAN'S  IDEA  OF  MOTORIST. 


MOTORIST'S  IDEA  OF  PEDESTRIAN. 


PEDESTRIAN'S  IDEA  OF  PEDESTRIAN.  MOTORIST'S  IDEA  OF  MOTORIST. 

AFTER   REAIHXO  THE   CORRESPONDENCE   WHICH  HAS   BEEN   BAOINO   FOR  SOME  TIME 
PAST  IN  ONE  OF  THE  MORNING  PAPERS,  WE  VENTURE  TO  REPRESENT  THE  CONFI.IfTINO 


OPINIONS  PICTOR1ALLY. 


They   declare 
is    just    what    they    were 


V 


Judge  LANDIS,  who  fined  the  Stan- 
lard  Oil  Trust,  is  suffering  from 
lorvons  breakdown,  and  has  been 
obliged  to  take  a  rest  cure.  It  is 
at  all  improbable,  that  certain 
als  of  the.  trust  will  also  have  to 
undergo  arrest  cure  later  on. 


just  acquired  the  famous  Shah  Suza 
diamond,  which  is  said  to  be  worth 
625,000. 

*  * 

* 

Deaf  persons  are  complaining  that 
they  are  more  frequently  run  over  by 
motor-cars  than  other  persons  owing 
to  their  infirmity  not  being  recog- 
nised. The  motorists  acknow- 
ledge that  there  is  something  in 
the  complaint,  and  it  is  proposed 
that,  with  a  view  to  preventing  acci- 
dents, pedistnans  who  are  hard  of 
hearing  shall  wear  white  costumes 
with  the  word  DEAF  imprinted  in  largo 
characters  on  their  backs  and  fronts, 


Sir  CLAUDE  DK  CKESPIONY,  it 
stated,  has  decided  to  go  to  a  remoti 
part  of  South  Africa  for  a  desert  holi 
day.  Wo  are  at  a  loss  to  understanc 
why  Sir  CLAUDE  should  go  so .  fa 
afield,  for  some  of  our  newer  Keasidi 
resorts  would  appear  to  cater  eepeci 
ally  for  tastes  of  this  kind. 

V 

\\  e  understand  thai 
the  proceedingi 
against  the  driver  oi 
a  taxicab,  who  waa 
fined  last  week  at 
the  Guildhall  for  car- 
rying five  passengers, 
were  taken  at  the 
instigation  of  the 
Society  for  the  Pre- 
vention of  Cruelty 
to  Taxicabs. 
*  * 

One  of  the  latent 
gentlemen  to  make 
an  attempt  on  the 
Channel  is  M.  JULES 
GAUTIER,  who  is  de- 
scribed as  "an  orna- 
mental swimmer." 
We  take  this  to 
mean  that  M. 
GAUTIKR  will  not  wear 
goggles. 

The  brilliant  comet 
which  was  seen  for  a 
moment  by  many 
persons  the  other  day, 
and  then  disappeared, 
is  now  thought  to 
have  been  the  HUH. 

V 

An  official  report 
just  issued  shows 
that  while  the  num- 
ber of  visits  to  our 
Museums  decreases 
the  sale  of  guide- 
books tends  to  in- 
crease. It  is,  we 
believe,  the  same  with  the  Eoyal 
Academy.  Many  persons  buy  cata- 
logues to  enable  them  to  talk  about 
the  show,  and  shirk  an  actual  visit ; 
conduct  which,  in  our  opinion,  is  en- 
tirely contemptible. 

What  is  said  to  be  "  a  new  dog  " 
has  been  discovered  in  West  Aus- 
tralia. Judging,  however,  from  its 
description — it  is  about  the  size  of 
a  rat,  and  extremely  ugly — the 
majority  of  dogs  are  of  the  opinion 
that  the  creature  is  not  a  dog  but  a 
cat.  We  cannot  enter  into  a  con- 
troversy on  the  subject. 


1A4 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHAKIVARI. 


4.  1907 


SESSION    ENDS:    SUMMER    BEGINS. 


am  not  of  their  belief  who  say 
the  Government  we  have  to  thank 
:or  summer's  inexcusable  delay 

And  weather-records  absolutely  rank ; 
They  lapse  at  times  from  grace,  like  you  and  me ; 

They  even  fail  in  reverei  <e  Primate; 

But  they  would  never  wantonly  agree 

To  dislocate  the  climate. 

\nd  yet  'tis  strange— of  course  it  may  have  been 

Merelv  coincidence  and  nothing  more — 
That,  while  they  sat  and  worked  their  guillotine. 

The  wet  was  beastly  and  the  wind  a  t 
But.  when  their  labours  ceased,  then  sky  and  earth 

Grew  glad  and  warm  the  very  instant  after, 
And  summer,  left  for  dead  before  her  birth, 
Woke  up  to  life  and  laughter. 

I  draw  no  inference.     1  only  know 
That  in  the  King's  Speech,  somewhere  back  in  1-cb., 

Heaven  to  look  below 
And  watch  him  weave  his  legislative  web ; 
And  ever  since  has  Heaven  concealed  its  eye, 

And,  though  I  don't  profess  to  plumb  the  reasons, 
Has  markedly  omitted  to  supply 

Two  of  the  usual  seasons. 

But  hope  revives;  and,  as  the  impartial  rain 
Fell  squarely  on  the  unjust  and  the  just, 

(living  the  Commons  watcr-on-the-brain, 
Drenching  Another  Place's  Upper  Crust, 

So  now  the  sun  with  equitable  heat, 
Dispensing  wide  his  Paradisal  weather. 

Shines  on  the  wolf  and  lambkin  where  they  bleat 

Like  turtle-doves  together.  O.  S. 

THE    LEAGUE. 

THE  League  only  lived  one  day  and  then  broke  up. 

\  has  asked  me  to  write  down  this  story  so  as  to 
put  us  right  with  the  outside  world,  and  to  show  it  was 
not  our  fault,  but  Mrs.  AUSTIN'S.  Please  excuse  blots 
and  other  things,  but  1  am  not  good  at  spelling,  so  NINA 
is  dictating  some  of  this,  and  will  look  it  over.  She  is 
ten,  and  1  am  nearly  nine,  and  my  name  ir 
HRUCBT. 

We  were  in  the  coachhouse  on  Wednesday  playing  a 
knights  rescuing  a  distressed   lady.       NINA    took    the 
ribbons  out  of  her  hair  and  spread  herself  out  against 
one  of  the  doors  and  said,  "  The  Paynims  have  entreat e< 
roe  sore.     Gramercy,  but  the  cords  bite  my  flesh.     In 
ten  minutes  I  shall  yield  up  the  ghost  if  no  succou 
comes."     Then  she  sobbed  and  flopped  her  head  down 
and  rolled  her  eyes  about;  and  the  second  time  she  di, 
it  I  dashed  up  with  the  pony's  bridle  on  my  head  for  a 
helmet    and    cut    her    cords    with    Dad's    razor-strop 
time  she  hid  behind   the  dog-cart  and  said  she 
was  in  the  deepest  dungeon  of  a  Saracen  castle,  and 
had  to  fight  my  wav  through  •  -n passing  hosts 

and  fish   )  The   St.   Bernard   ana   the   Dandi< 

iie    encompassing     hosts,     but     the 

(daces.     Dogs  are  alwn 

about  after  something,  ami  wh-T.---..r  I  Mvind  \'--\' 
head  with  one  blow  of  my  Toledo  blade  he  wagged  hi 
tail  like  mad  and  tried  to  lick  t 

At  last  Nl»A  got  tired  of  being  a  di-tressed  lady, 


didn't  want  to  be  any  more  knights  myself,  so  we  had 
for  which  we  roasted  an  ox  wfaok  mid  invited 

•itrvside   to   join    in    the    revels       NIN\    said, 

•Mirth  prevail,"  and  thru  she  pledged  thr 

,  drink  with  her  to  tlv  health  of  her  h, 

irnrd    from    the    wars    after   having 

lain  the  K  '•  "  II":'r-  hrar."  but 

h.-   whispered.   "  Shut  up.        You   are   n.;.  I   son, 

n  mustn't  rl.  "If,"  which  I 

Just   then    Mrs.    AUSTIN   mine   in.        She  's  our 
and  very  good  at  jam-tarts.       She  had  been   as' 
;eep  an  eye  on  us  while  Mum  '    making  calls. 

She  said,  '"  What  mischief  are  you  two  limbs  up  to'.1 
["hat 's  your  second  de:m  frock  to-day,  Mi-s  Niv\;  and 
as  for  your  face,  Master  HKKIIKRT.  I  never  did  see  such  a 
light.'  Wherever  did  you  get  all  them  I. lack  smudges 
rom?"  She  was  going  on,  but  NV  i  her.  and 

stood  up  with  one  of  h> 

said  in  a  deep  voice,  "  It  grieves  me,  your  (trace,  that 
you  should  have  intruded  upon  our  •  •  this 

moment.        The   penalty   is   death    l>y   lightning   on   the 
astle  battlements.        Say,    will   you   die'    to  day   «r   to- 
morrow'.'"         Mrs.    Al'STIX   said    that   on  the    whole    she 
hought    she    would     pi  -norrow,    and    then     phe 

"aughed,    and     NINA     got     much     solemner,    and     said, 

,    woman;    you    may    yi  •  your    • 

rul  fate  by  joining  the  League.  Will  you  do 
so.'"  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said  the  one  thing  she'd  always 
lankered  after  was  &  League,  hut  was  it  .  \pen- 
sive,  and  was  there  any  work  to  do;1  '  That," 
•said  Nis*.  "you  shall  iearn  in  due  time,"  and  then  we 
swore  her  in.  I  gave  her  ti  hose  to  hold  in  her 

right  hand,  and  NINV  got  on  a  bucket  which  was  turned 
Bottom  up,  and  said,  "As  Arch-Priest  and  (Irand  I'nke 
of  the  Secret  League  of  Champions  I  now  admit  you, 
Mrs.  AUSTIN,  to  be  a  Cavalier  of  the  Order.  This  is  the 
Royal  Room,  and  you  must  never  enter  it  save  \< 
plete  armour  and  bearing  a  lily  in  your  hand.  YOU  will 
find  your  coat  of  mail  and  your  visor  and  your  gleaming 
falchion  in  the  armoury.  Now  go  and  rem-'inb-r  your 
oath."  Then  she  dismissed  Mrs.  AUSTIN  with  a  grand 
wave  of  her  hand  and  we  went  round  with  her  to  the 
kitchen. 

Next  day,  a  little  before  dinner  (1  mean  our  dinner  at 
one  o'clock),  NINA  said  there  must  be  a  meeting  «f  the 
League,  and  we  went  into  the  kitchen  to  summon  Mrs. 
AUSTIN.       She  seemed  very  hot  and   bu-y  .   and   when 
Nis.\  said,  "The   I.ea-ue  is  about   to  meet   in  the 
Room,"  she  said   in  her  short   way.   "  It   can   i, 
the  attics  for  all  me."       Then   Nis\  tried   persuasion. 
"  Remember  your  oath.  Mi  »,"  she 

you  do  not  attend  when  summoned  your  right  hand  wil 
wither  on  its  stump."  Mr-  .  mtocare 

"  You  two  get  out  of  my  kitchen,"  she  said.  "  I 'o  yoi 
then  resign  the  I.  I  NIN\,  very  "u  • 

sad.     "I  do,"  said   M;  is:   "and   if  you   don't 

make  yourself  scarce  I  '11   resign  you   do  in 
won't  like."     We  v  -md  then  Nr  u  am 

to  Mrs.  AUSTIN.     Tin-  w  is  the  !•  •• 

"  To  Mrs.   Ausux,   Cupar    EOUM,   Oldinai 
"  We  are  extremely  hear  (tint    you   have   no 

further  wish  to  join  our   '.  Of  course  i 

member   you    will    :  'unlay   or   any    other 

day,  and  you  must  not  share  in  any  of  our  fcstivitii    ,  fo 
which  I  am  sorry,  but  it  is  my  duty  to  tell  you  so.      If 
may  give  my  opinion  in  the  matter  I  think  it  is 
trivial    affair   to   be   annoyed   at    indeed.      Hut    "f   eours* 
differ.       Of  eours,-   not   being  a  niembe 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.    SrrreyHEn  4,  1907. 


THE    SPARE-liOOM    GUEST. 

THE  OLD  LADY  OF  FLEET  STREET   WELCOMES  THE   ARRIVAL,   LONG   DEIAYED,  OF  THE 

SILLY  SEASON1. 


SEPTEMBER  4,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


107 


THE    REALISTIC    IN    ART. 

Coloured  Lion-tamer.  "WHAT  YOU  OWINE  TO  DO  WID  DAT  PAINT,  ANDT?" 

Irish  Handy  Man.  "  SURE  THE  POLAR   BEAR  's  OOIN'  IN   HERE,  AND   SORRA  AN   OBSTACKLE   THEUE  'LL   BE   BETLNE   HIM  AND  TUB  BIXGAL 

T1QER   BUT  HALF  AN  INCH  O'  BOARD,  80  'TIS  THE   WAY  I  'tf  OOIN'  TO  PAINT  A   LITTLE   SKETCH   OF   AS   ICEBERG  ON  IT,  JUST  TO   DESAVE  TUB  VARMINT!  " 


you  are  requested  not  to  go  to  the  Royal  Room  under 
any  pretence  whatsoever,  except  with  permission,  which 
I  cannot  possibly  grant  you.  Do  not  suppose  that  I 
write  this  with  joy.  It  is  a  sad  moment  for  both  of  us. 
Expressing  our  sincere  regret  in  the  matter, 
"  We  are,  yours  truly, 

"  NINA  and  HERBERT." 

We  never  got  an  answer  from  Mrs.  AUSTIN,  and  the 
League  has  not  met  since.  NINA  asked  me  to  write  this 
because  she  says  the  truth  must  be  told  even  if  it  is 
painful  to  Mrs.  AUSTIN.  Yesterday  she  said  we  were  an 
International  Congress  of  Socialists  or  something.  She 
shouted  "  Shame,  shame!  "  and  "  Put  him  out!  "  and 
at  last  she  said  if  I  couldn't  obey  the  chairman  I  was  to 
go  home.  I  did.  R.  C.  L. 


For  Valour  P 

ACCORDING  to  the  Anglo-Chilian  Times  the  Victoria  Cross 
has  been  conferred  on  the  celebrated  tenor,  Signer  CARUSO. 

Commercial  Candour. 

"£100  Accideut  Coupon,  etc.,  in  case,  2d.    (To-DAi)  at  all  GROTTO 
CAF£S.     4  Courses  Is." — Daily  Dispatch. 

WE  like  the  "  in  case."     You  never  can  tell. 


UNDER  the  heading  "  Local  Inventions,"  The  Porlt- 
mouth  Evening  News  prints  the  following: 
"The  following  are  among  the  recent  applications  {or  patients  :  — 
J.  H.     Apparatus  for  coaling  two  ships  at  sea  and  four  in  harbour 
at  the  same  time." 

It  certainly  sounds  difficult,  but  the  Editor  need  not 
have  been  quite  so  severe  about  it. 


PUNCH,   Oil   TIIK   LONDON   CH.MMVAKI. 


:    r.M'7. 


GUI. INT  I'.t-cte  r«oii  DtowMM.  AT  I.ITTICIUHI  .  '  "7 


See  arttele,  "  To  lierice  lite  Grand  Manner." 


TO    IIKVIVK    THK    GKAXD 
MANNER. 

WE  arc  glad  to  hour  that  there  is 
some  talk  of  reviving  the  post  of 
Royal  Historical  Painter,  once  held 
by  BENJAMIN  WEST,  but  now  obso- 
lete. It  i;  time.  The  prevalence 
of  the  c\!iicul  camera  is  belittling, 
and  its  influence  must  be  counter- 
acted. We  need  o  return  to  the 
grand  manner,  and  this  a  Royal 
Historical  Painter  would  supply.  The 
Daily  Mirror  is  too  actual:  we  re- 
quire a  Daily  Magnifier.  The  com- 
monest events  of  life  are  capable  of 
fine  and  exalting  treatment.  To 
•snap-shot  a  scene  is  to  vulgarise  it; 
to  paint  it  in  the  grandiose  manner  is 
to  ennoble  it. 

Take  for  example  a  rescue  from 
drowning  on  the  Littlehampton 
sands;  what  can  the  photographer  do 
with  it'/  Nothing.  It  will  come  out 
merely  as  a  smudge.  Hut  the  His- 
torical Painter  can  make  it  classic : 
perpetual  reminder  of  man's  hu- 
manity to  man.  He  can  group  it  as 
it  should  be;  he  can  put  nature  into 
key  with  the  great  act  of  heroism. 
In  fact,  he  has  done  so,  as  our  illus- 
tration shows. 

Another  example :  A  militar 
view.  Here  is  a  subject  indeed. 
What  would  the  camera  make  of  a 
cavalry  charge?  Merely  a  huddle  of 
rushing  horses,  with  their  legs  anato- 
mically correct  but  artistically  ap- 
palling. No  order,  no  regularity.  The 
camera  left  to  do  its  full  work  would 
effectually  put  an  end  to  recruiting. 
But  the  Historical  Painter  would  send 

S>ung  fellows  by  thousands  to  the 
.£.  pavement  of  Trafalgar  Square, 
because  he  would  make   the  scene 
grand   and   memorable   and   orderly. 
By  all  means  let  us  have  the  Royal 
Painter  again. 


ANIMAL   HKLI'KIIS. 

l.vsr     Wednesday's    papers 
tained    a    thrilling    account    of    the 
wreck  of  a  special  train  conveying  a 
travelling    menagerie    in    West    Vir- 
ginia.    According  to  a  Central 
telegram  : 

"  Nine  highly  trained  elephants,  among  them 
being  the  mother  of  the  once  famous  Jumlo. 
were  passengers  by  the  train,  but  escaped 
unhurt  The  driver  of  the  locomotive  was 
pinned  beneath  a  heap  of  debris,  and  several 
of  the  overturned  cars  caught  lire;  Inn,  under 
the  direction  of  t'e.r  trainers,  the  elephants' 
formed  themselves  into  an  effective  siha^f 
corp«._  The  mother  of  Jiunlm  «a<  m.i.lr  to 
lift  sufficient  of  the  wreckage  to  <  in. 
imprisoned  driver  to  crawl  out,  \\hilr  her  •  i^'it 
companions  trouej  smartly  backwards  and 
forwards  between  the  wreck  and  the  river,  ' 
61linK  their  trunks  with  water  from  the  latter, 
nliieh  they  jnmred  on  the  burning  cam,  eventu- 
ally i  xtingu  suing  the  flames." 

This  instance  of  elephantine  saga- 
city, in  view  of  the  time  of  year  at 
which  it  was  displayed,  has  naturally 
prompted  a  good  deal  of  comment, 
and  \\e  are  indebted  to  the  courtesy 
of  our  esteemed  contemporary  The 
Dictator  for  leave  to  reprint  a  selec- 
tion from  the  letters  which  will  ap- 
pear in  ibe  forthcoming  issue:  — 

[To  the  Editor  of  "  The  Dictator."] 

I>KAR  SIR,— The  behaviour  of  the 
elephants  at  the  railway  accident  in 
Virginia  reminds  me  of  a  curious  and 
hitherto  unrecorded  incident  which 
occurred  at  the  Inter- Varsity  sports 
when  I  was  an  undergraduate  at 
Oxford  more  years  ago  (him  I  car.-  t  . 
confess.  The  Cambridge  first  string 
in  the  high  jump  happened  to  ha\e 
spent  the  previous  "  Ixing  "  in  Aus- 
tralia, and  brought  hack  with  him  a 
kangaroo,  which  speedily  became  the 
•  •f  his  college — Trinity  Hall. 
•••  the  s|r  .aster  was 

laid   up   with   German    measles,    and 


the   audacious    i 

substituting    the    I  f»r    him- 

s.-lf '      The  aid  of  the  (  'larks..!!  of  the 

I,   and   thanks 

to  a  e  up   the   pit.  d 

verted   into  a   \ei\ 

fair  'ation      of     a      human 

iithlet  •.  At  l.illie  Bridge,  when-  the 
re  held  in  those  days,  the 
animal  was  carefully  swathed  in  a 
long  ulster  until  the  last  moment, 
and  then  easily  defeated  all  other 
competitors.  Unfortunately,  while  it 
was  in  th  leafing  ti  ft.  0  in. 

in  an  exhibition  jump,  one  of  its  run- 
ning siloes  can.,-  off,  and  r.-\ealed  tin- 
peculiar  formation  of  its  foot,  with 
the  result  that  it  was  pi.  .mpt!. 
qualified  by  the  judge,  my  old  friend 
TIIOM\S  Ili:i:i:i.i:m\y  uii  .  K.C.  The 
mortification  of  the  kangaroo  was 
painful  to  witness,  ami  it  fell  into  an 
early  decline  after  taking  an  aegr"ttit 
in  botany. 

I  am.  Sir, 

Y. >urs  truthfully, 

fan 

[\Ve  arr  indeed   proud   !<•   In-  i 
giving  pulili.\ly  t  i  tlii*  • 

ing   aneodut'.    anil    >..n    miK  '    >i   ilie 

ai.tlion  m    uiisportmanlike 

spirit  towards  one  who  was  < -li  arly  :i  i 
of  the  l'nivers!ty,  for  otherwise  how  couM  he 
.leu  a  degree  ?     1  t>   In.-t-Uor.] 

[To  the  KJitor  of  "  Tin-  I >i.-tator."] 
l'i.\u  SIK,      1   think  it  rif,'ht  !.•  l.-t 
you  know  that  my  aunt,  Mi  ••  l!noi>.\ 
I'l  Ml  \l.|r;..N,   .  tie,   had 

toise  which  she   trait. •  -d   to  a<-t   as  a 

:  weight.  As  she  \\  ;,  ;  :l  \\omall 
much  addict. -d  to  lit.-rary  pursuits, 
and  invariably  worked  with  her 
windows  open,  \oti  can  well  imagine 
that  the  task  was  no  .sinecure, 
the  faithful  animal  ne\er  c«mpl 

eVell     wh'll     she     dropped     sealil: 

on    it    l.y    accident.        .My    aunt 

i.:it    the   tortoise   is 


I,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ir,o 


CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. 

Mary  Anne,  after  spending  a  morning  on  the  shore,  it  told  by  her  mistress  to  take  the  children  home. 
Mary  Anne.  "YES,  '11 ;  BUT,  PLEASE,  'a,  MVBT  I  TIDY  CP  THE  BEACH  FIRST?" 


still  alive,  and  is,  I  believe,  at  the 
present  moment  employed  as  a  fore- 
caddie  on  the  Boscastle  links,  where 
it  signals  a  clear  green  by  protruding 
its  head  and  uttering  a  plaintive  coo. 
I  am,  Sir, 

Yours  faithfully, 

ELEAXOU  MUFFETT. 

[The  fidelity  of  the  tortoise  is  one  of  the  most 
moving  things  in  the  annnls  of  natural  history. 
We  earnestly  hope  that  the  Boscastle  golfers 
appreciate  their  privilege. — ED.  Dictator.] 

[To  the  Editor  of  "  The  Dictator."] 
DEAR  SIR, — The  touching  story  of 
the  elephant  has  inspired  tho  follow- 
ing trifle,  for  which  I  hope  you  may 
find  room  in  your  revered  columns  : 

0  mother  of  Jumbo 

Of  deathless  fame, 
From  far  Colombo 

You  possibly  came, 
And  certainly  Mumbo 

Was  your  Christian  name. 

I  am,  dear  Sir, 

Yours  faithfully, 

IVORY  BULL,  F.R.G.S. 

[Mr.  BULL'S  charming  lyric  will,  we  frel 
sure,  appeal  to  all  our  readers,  young,  old, 
and  middle-aged.  It  is  not  of'en  that  Iho 
spirit  of  HEURICK  is  so  faithfully  reproduced 
nowadays.  \Ve  may  add  that  we  have  cabled 
liis  lines  to  Jumbo's  mother. — I'.p.  Dictator.] 


[To  the  Edittr  of  "  The  Dictator:'] 

DEAR  SIR, — DANTE  GABRIEL  Ros- 
SETTI'S  desire  to  possess  an  elephant 
which  should  clean  his  windows  is 
well-known.  But  as  a  matter  of 
fact  a  giraffe  is  far  better  suited  for 
the  purpose,  as  I  have  proved  by 
actual  experience.  At  my  place  in 
Kent  I  keep  a  girnffe  in  a  disused 
oast-house — the  structure  of  which 
is  admirably  suited  to  the  animal's 
configuration  -•-  and  the  spotless 
purity  of  my  window-panes  is  the 
envy  of  all  the  countryside. 
Yours  faithfully, 

PULBOROUGII  LEGGE. 

[We  are  most  grateful  to  Sir  PCLBOROUGII 
LEOCE  for  his  charming  letter.  But  could  not 
the  giraffe  be  also  utilised  for  the  purpose  of 
hop-picking?-  En.  Dictator.] 

[To  the  Editor  of  "  The  Dictator."] 

DEAR  SIR, — Knowing  your  interest 

in  animals  I  venture  to  send  you  the 

following: — My      Russian       poodle, 

Pushkin,  has  an  exceptionally  tender 

skin,   and  the  periodical  clipping  of 

his   coat   caused   him    acute    annoy- 

I  ance,    until,    at    the    instance    of    a 

|  friend,  I  presented  him  with  a  safety- 


razor,  which  he  now  uses  on  himself 
with  perfect  success  and  dexterity. 
Faithfully  yours, 

SEPTIMUS  PIIIBBS. 
P.S. — It  lias  just  occurred  to  me 
that  years  ago  I  met  an  American,  a 
very  highly  cultivated  man,  who 
assured  me  that  he  had  heard  a 
gorilla  singing  in  grand  opera  at 
Sierra  Leone.  Can  any  of  your 
readers  verify  this  assertion? 

[We  are  delighted,  as  we  always  are,  lo  print 
Mr.  Piunns's  interesting  letter.  Personally  we 
have  r.ever  been  BO  fortuna'o  as  to  hear  a 
gorilla  sing,  but  we  are  assured  by  our 
musical  critic  that  it  is  a  soul-shaking  experi- 
ence. We  have,  however,  a  distinct  recollection 
of  once  being  told  that  hedgehogs  in  tome 
remote  parts  of  Yorkshire  were  until  recently 
employed  to  clean  chimneys. — ED.  Dictator.] 


"Alejandro  de  la  Arena  yesterday  morning 
received  a  telegram  stating  that  the  stallion 
Saulsberry  had  been  assassinated.  As  the 
telegram  did  not  state  distinctly  that  the  hone 
was  either  poisoned  or  shot,  Mr.  de  la  Arena 
believes  there  is  no  doubt  but  that  the  stallion 
was  stabbed  to  death."—  Mexican  Herald. 

"MARVELLOUS!"   said   Dr.   WAT 
SON. 
"  Child's     play,"     replied     ALEJ 

ANDRO  DE  LA  ARENA. 


170 


PUNCH,  OR  HIE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  4,  1907. 


A    FINAL    FLICKER. 

(A  '     :''  I  Study  (if  ihf  Balkan  Staff* 

— nearly  eleren.  Mont  ,.f  th.  >i"  " 

ming 

-.-I.  and  thf  f.ir  remaining  patron.,  .'/  thf 
••  j  •      i  themsit- 

.ing  tlif  xpiral  descent   trUli  joyous   in 

V  the  attendant*  in  tailor  costume  lelow  in 
a  rough-and-ready  fashion  indicative  of  frank  tli 
The   General  Public   i*  drifting  slowly   towards   tin 
•  nul   there,   with   a   ri'nr  to  pro- 
tracting itx  enjoyment  t«  the  hat  /»>.-  -lent. 
.•In  entertainment,  a»  welcome  ,i*  un.sp< el, ./.  i.-  pro. 
-d  for  them  by  a  light-hearted  young  t'lerk,  who 
it  addretted  by  his  tiro  companions  as  "  I-'nn>m . ' 
FREDDY   has  already  distinguished   himself   by   <i- 
tcending  the  Lighthouse  on  hit  back  with  his  legs  in 

air,  and  is  recovering  from  the  marked  fail'' 
the  tiro  sailors  to  appreciate  his  humour.     At  a  stand 

tipied  by  some  automatic  machines  he   > 
further    opportunities    for    "  comic    business,"   and 
plumps  himself  down  in  a  weighing-chair. 
Freddy  (to  the  Boy  in  charae).  I  can't  trust  you  to 
shave  me,  but  you  can  cut  my  hair  if  you  like.     What — 
not  a  barber's .'    oh,  I  see— a  swing.     My  mistake  ! 

[He   rocks   himself  violently  as   he   chants   "  See- 
saw, Marjory  Daw." 

Boy  on  stop  that.       'Ow  do  you  suppose  I  "m 

to  weigh  you  without  you  keep  quiet '.' 

•dy.  Why  didn't  you  U-ll  me  I  was  being  weighed? 
I  'II  keep  quite  quiet-  honest,  I  will.  How  nuieh  does  it 
roine  to  '.'  Eleven  stone  five  !  ( lien  iring  ticket .)  Why, 
your  bally  machine'  has  done  me  out  of  two  whole 
JNMinds!  'i  'in  not  coming  out  till  I  get  my  full  weight  1 
Itoy  {tipping  him  out  without  ceremony).  You  don't 
want  to  get  no  fuller,  you  don't. 

./i/.  Call  this  a  pennorth !  I  say,  there  's  not  a 
word  on  this  ticket  about  when  I  'm  to  be  married,  or 
my  future,  or  anything! 

Boy.  I  shouldn't  worry  about  your  future  if  I  was  you 
— you  'II  know  it  quite  soon  enough. 

Freddy.  Think  I  shall?  All  right— then  I  '11  have  a 
go  at  punching  the  ball.  (He  goes  io  ah  automatic 
Punching  Bag,  and  tries  in  vain  to  pull  it  down.)  How  'm 
I  to  punch  it  if  it  won't  eoine  out  '.' 

Custodian.  It  'II  come  down  right  enough  when  you  "ve 
put  a  penny  in. 

Freddy.  Haven't  gut  any  more  coppers.  Will  you  oblige 
me  with  the  loan  of  one  penny  '.'  You  won't?  (To  one  of 
his  ci>mpanii>nt  who  are  looking  on  at  a  distance  with  an 
unholy  joy.)  I  say,  old  man,  that  ball  has  been  most 
•  il  lend  mi-  p.  nny  to  get  the  satisfaction  of  a 
gentleman.  (He  obtains  it.)  Now  then!  (To  thr  hall, 
which  he  pulls  down  to  tl.<  .fttnt  of  its  chain.)  You 
defy  me,  do  you?  (Squaring  up  at  it.)  You  young 
rascal!  I  'm  goin'  to  hit  you  most  fearful  blow.  Will 
you  apologise— or  will  you  take  a  licking'.'  Which  is  it 
to  be?  (The  ball  answers  the  question  by  unexp.  <  t<  <//;/ 
retiring  into  its  metal  cage.)  None  o*  that.  Come  out 
into  the  open  like  a  man  ! 

<'uxt.  You  weren't   quirk  enough,  (lii\'nor.     Try 

rth. 
My.   It   won't  get   off  thi  'If   borrows 

••"/(•(*    the    ball.)     Do 

I  'm  i  -.nock  you  out   very  tirM    :  \li   [he 

makes  a  feint  at  it)  you  would— would  you?     Ji 


wait  a  bit.      Won,  then'      I  shan't  tell  you  when  I  begin 
hut  you  'II  /.HUH-  it.      (II*    il.1tr.rx  ,t  How  which  might 
1.,,,-,    pr--r,,l  mor,    itti.-tire  it  the  ball  hud  not  r<  treated 
I  •     I  .    •   my  penny  hack  for  Unit  '.' 
•i;/  to   weitch   the  l>w<r  slot  for  the  r,,in's  return.) 
\li.   well,  never  mind.      (He  patx  the  ball  t 
I'M;//;/.)      /  don't  hear  liny  iniilire.      (inhhli'ss  you' 

//,    MOVM  "".  /'''  'K.iiitlii  I'critimdni  tlint  he  might 

miiki   hix  fortune  if  hi-  went  "  on  the  Halls." 
IN  THK  IMITKIAI.  CofKT     AT  TIIK  "  Yoiis  t,,H  \V 

STALL. 
.1  Suffragette  (behind  the  counter,  showing  pan, 

hvtoand  «ml  wilt).  These  will  tell  you  what  thearpu- 

•iiv.     We  an-  making  inni: 

already.        Nearly   all   the    Members  on   both   sides   havi- 
given  us  p!-  Would  \ou  r •,• 

•    .  •  •   ,     I'  ;.    •.    !•  .  :••   .\\  1    could    gi-, 

The  MI/I-  (with  dixtresiiing  candour,  as  she  takes  her 
husband  off].  Thank  you,  I  wouldn't  pay  a  halfpenny  hus 

flire   t'  to   it  ' 

The  Suffr.   (calling  aft.r  her  with   some  acerhit  . 
right!      Your  huxlmnd  will,  any'ow 

[Her/-    I''RI-:II|>Y,   i/'/m  xi'iun   to  h.ire   niiide  <i   halt  for 
refreshment  in  the  int.rr.il,  tirriv.x.  follow- 
a  small  train  of  admirers  in  the  hope  of  further 
sport. 

Freddy  (fetching  up  in  front  of  the  stall,  with  hix  ktraw- 
hat  slightly  awry).  I  want  a  Flor  de  Capilla  Hlanea  cigar 
and  box  of  matches,  Miss,  please. 

The  Suffr.  Then  you  've  come  to  the  wrong  stall  for 
thc-m,  that's  all.  We're  here  to  plead  for  Votes  for 
Women. 

I'n-ddy.  That  so?  I  've  no  objection  to  that — none  in 
the  wide  world ! 

The  Suffr.  Of  course  not.  All  sensible  men  admit  that 
our  s.'\  is  every  bit  as  capable  as  yours  is  to  ex.TcU..  the 
franchise. 

Freddy  (who*.-   frivolity  is  now  replaced  Inj  an  owlish 
grarity}.  Cerrn'ly  they  are.     As  a  inarrer  of  fact.  I  don' 
mind  tellin'  you  I  've  always  been  in  favour  of  tli 
Of  the  idea,  mind  you! 

Suffr.  Then  perhaps  you  would  like  to  attend  our  im-.-t- 
ing  in  Hyde  Park  to-morrow  .' 

Freddy.  I  '11  take  ticket — ttt'o  tickets.  Hoir  mush  did 
you  say '.' 

.Suffr.  Nothing.  The  meeting  is  free  to  all.  Mi 
GKAEMAIR  and  Miss  IHKNK  YH.LS  are  going  to 
You  've  heard  of  Miss  IUUNK  YKI.I.S,  /  daresay? 

Freddy.  Not  t'iny  knowledge.  But  I  ha\en't  word 
t'say  against  her  (handsomely) — norra  word! 

Suffr.  I  should  think  not,  indeed!  Can  I  sell  you  this 
pamphlet,  which  gives  an  account  of  the  share  we  women 
took  in  the  Jarrow  and  Colne  Valley  Kleeti.ms? 

Freddy  (inspecting  the  pamphlet  with  an  air  of  com- 
plete co»ii>rchcnsion).  Jarrow  'n  Colin-  Valley  'lections, 
eh?  Yes,  I  '11  have  that — something  to  n-ad  wh.n  I 
get  home.  (As  he  pays  for  it.  tl,<  i -md  in  tin  kiosk 
opposite  plays  the  National  Anthem.)  Excuse  me — am 
I  making  mistake,  or  did  I  see  you  laughing  at  me  for 
removing  my  hat  like  loyal  siitij'  My  'pinion  is 

everybody     OUght     take     ,  ,ff     li;i(S     for     "    '/'MI/     Sct>«      Allll/   " 

— ladies  same  as  rest.       Why  don'    i/m/    take  off   hat'.' 

tell    Ille    \..ll    Ve    Hot    ptirrioT 

Suffr.  Why  should  w.~  he  patriotic  when  we  'i--  not 
allow,  i  i 

:<ly.  If  you  're  lady,  you  ought  be  parriotic.  /  'in 
piirriotir.  I  lore  my  King.  (lolihless  him,  I  say. 
Gobblessim  !  (He  unrorrra  once  more.)  TaK- 


SKPH:MIH-.R   I,   1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


171 


Airs.  Plenteous  (vho  has  just  seen  Patricia  Penny  arrice  in  donkey-cart).  "  \\'s  HOTAW'D  OVEB  IN  OUR  NEW  BIITT-HOME-POWEB  DIEHAED. 

Patricia  (taking  the  pose).  "No,  WE  MOKED." 


DID  rou  MOTAW  ? ' 


your  beashly  rag!  (He  flings  it  into  the  stall  with  a 
noble  indignation.)  Sell  it  again  for  wharricare !  I'm 
not  going  encourage  Votes  for  Women  who  're  not  par- 
riotic.  Tell  you  wham  think  'bout  you.  (He  is  pro- 
ceeding to  express  his  candid  opinion  in  terms  of  in- 
creasing profanity  when  he  is  led  off  by  his  friends.)  All 
right,  dear  ole  fiers,  don'  you  take  any  notice  of  me.  I 
can't  help  bein'  paralytic — I  mean  patriotic.  It  's  crule 
thing  to  laugh  at  man  for  bein'  loyal  subject.  D'you 
know,  I  think  I  must  have  broken  my  legs  goin'  down 
lighthouse— "cause  I  can't  gerrup  these  stairs  without 
'sistance.  Is  there  mush  furrer  to  go?  On'y  fault  7 
find  with  Exhibition  is — way  out's  much  longer  'n  way 
in.  Let  'sh  stop  somewhere  and  have  supper. 

[His  friends,  however,  ignore  this  suggestion  as  they 
pilot  him.  to  the  Warwick  Road  exit,  at  which  he 
arrives  in  a  state  of  acute  depression.  As  we 
obtain  a  last  view  of  FREDDY  shedding  tears  of 
sensibility  in  a  hansom  between  liis  companions, 
we  are  permitted  the  hope  that  he  reaches  home 
without  any  further  inconvenience  or  rcfrrsli- 
mcnt.  F.  A. 

"Sin,  May  I  ask  you  to  assist  me  to  make  known  that  yesterday  1 
picked  up  a  carrier  pigeon  with  "ing  stamped  'John  F.  Field,  Erith, 
Kent.  G.JJ.'  ?  I  am  anxious  to  fiml  the  owner." — 1'iickingtiam  Advertiser. 

THE  writer  might  try  Devonshire  for  a  start.  Most  of 
these  pigeons  give  a  false  name  and  address  in  the  first 

place. 


A  NEW  INDUSTRY. 

WE  understand  that,  owing  to  apiarial  depression, 
many  bee-keepers  are  arranging  to  rear  wasps  for  sport- 
ing purposes.  Lord  WALSINGHAM,  who  is  the  greatest 
living  authority  on  this  subject,  used  for  many  years  to 
walk  up  his  wasps,  but  being  anxious  to  increase  the 
stock  upon  his  home  preserves  by  killing  off  the  old 
cocks  he  took  to  having  them  driven  over  him.  He 
has  made  record  bags  in  both  departments  of  this  sport, 
which  he  regards  as  a  high  test  of  courage  and  marks- 
manship. 

Seaside  Resorts. 

I. — BEAUTIFUL  BARMOUTH. 

"  C.  W.  was  charged  by  P.C.  N.  DAVIES  with  having 
furiously  ridden  a  bicycle  down  hill  very  furiously  on 
August  3.  The  officer  shouted  to  the  delinquent,  who 
took  no  notice.  Whereupon  P.C.  DAVIES,  noticing  that 
h's  prey  was  likely  to  bolt,  procured  a  bicycle  and  gave 
ohase  and  ultimately  overtook  him. 

"  The  Chairman  :  We  fine  defendant  30«.  and  costs  for 
his  impudence." — Barmouth  Advertiser. 


"  A  Young  French  Student,  23  ycnrs  old,  gives  French  lessons  and 
information  on  Cognac  Brandy."— Hcrraey  Journal. 

SURELY  a  very  bad  tonic  to  work  on. 


17-' 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  :r.mi«  4,  1907. 


SetuiJe  Wag.  "  WHAT'S  THE   Mrrrtrv  L   umEts   tor*  iixrEXMT  DIAMOND   run  AJCD  root 

BlIILUXO   OXE8?"  .lf<fel!rr     -  VMI     ,.I.T   1   BtTTEK   DUMOM>." 


THE  EMPTINESS  OF  THINGS. 

LONDON  was  absolutely  empty. 
The  last  Member  of  Parliament  had 
telegraphed  his  holiday  arrangements 
to  The  Daily  Mail,  and  had  left  for 
the  North  or  South.  I  stood  on 
the  island  of  Piccadilly  Circus,  none 
disputing  my  right,  and  surveyed 
my  kingdom  from  the  centre  right 
down  to  St.  James's  Park.  Glanc- 
ing up  Regent  Street  I  seemed 
for  a  moment  to  catch  sight  of  a 
solitary  American,  but  when  I  had 
rubbed  my  eyes  and  looked  again  he 


was  gone.  Sick  at  heart,  I  turned 
aside,  and  began  to  push  my  way 
through  the  desert  of  Piccadilly.  .  .  . 

"  Well,"    said    a    voice    suddenly, 
"  what  are  you  doing  in  I/ondon'.'  " 

I  looked  up  in  amazement. 

"A  sail,  a  sail!  "  I  cried.     "  Like- 
wise a  footprint.   \Vhatonearth 

"  I  do  believe  we  are  the  only  two 
people  in  London,"  said  Mi--   Mn> 
ni.i:  TON.      "  This  is  on  historic  n 

Dr.  ]  ,  is  it  P 

i.-ar    Miss  '     Are 

you  alone?  " 

•  liiliful   followers  have   de- 


serted IIH-.      Slmll  we  sit  down  in  the 
park'.'     It  'B  so  crowded  hero." 

•.v    then,"     I    snid,     when    \\  •• 

.'infortalily    settl.-<l.    "  perhaps 

you  will  explnin.     Anything  you  say 

will  he  used  in  evidence  upiinst  you." 

"  Well,  the  fact   is.   I  'm  up  for  a 

ireddingi 

"  I    didn't    know    |,e,,p|..    ev.  r    got 
married    in    August.        Hut    perhii|.s 
i    deceased    wife's    sister.       Aliy- 
;li.-  Hishops  d»u't  like  it." 

"  I  cnn't  help  that.  Now,  what 
about  yourself'.'  " 

I   'oh,  that  's  different.   I  work." 

"  I     think     I    must     ask     for    that 
again,"  said  Miss  Minni.i  TON.    "  The 
ire  singing  so  loudly.    ': 

I  Raid.  re  in  an- 

other side  of  life  of  which  you   )i:i\i. 
no  knowledge.        When    \n\\    are    in 
hed  in  the  country  dreamiiiK  hnppily 
of  delightful  things,   in    !•']• 
all   is   business  and   energy, 
printing  presses  are  pnunng  out  their 

ige  tn  the  world  :  v 
men  are  running  to  mid  fro  \\ith 
parcels  of  papers;  ntln-rs  with  up- 
turned collars  ure  r.-ndy  at  any  mo- 
ment to  rush  their  motors,  each  with 
•••eious  hurd.Ti,  into  th«.  various 
•-tat ions,  whence  tir-  |  .kcrs, 

li'-avy   for  want   of  sleep,   with 
full  up,  may  whirl 

"  \  "    saiii    Miss    MIIHU.I: 

TON,    breathlessly.      "And    what    arc 
you  doing  all  tins  t 

"  Oh  well,  I  'ni  in  bed  too." 

There  was  a  short  silence. 

"  You  know,"  said   Miss   Mim>i.r- 
T"\,  "  I  was  getting  quite  excited.    I 
thought  for  a  moment  you  v 
to  be  one  of  the  stokers." 

"  I  wish  I  were.  They  don't  have 
to  stick  in  London  all  Aupust  and 
September." 

"  Is  it  so  bad   as   that'.'     I  'm   off 
hack  to  the  sea  to-morrow .      1  k 
shire." 

I  liHiki-d  at  her  in  horror. 

"  You — \ou  traitor!  "   I  said. 

"  Such  a  lovely  sandy  hay,  nnd 
the  heather  on  the  hills  behind 

"  I>on't,"  I  implored,  putting  my 
hands  over  my  ears. 

"Oh,  I  'm  sorry.  Let  's  txlk 
about  the  Embankment  instead." 

"  No,  go  on.     I  like  talking  ahout 
it.     What  size  spade  do  you  ta 
•  ns — wooden." 

"  I  'm   much   better  with   nn 
Do  you  know  I  haven't  seen  a 
fish,  or  a  crab — an  undressed  crab — 
for — oh,  y 

Poor   thin^.      We    always   batho 
bcfor                               You     can      run 
it  in  from  the  house 

"  Don't.  I  haven't  had  a  mouth- 
ful of  sea  water  for  centuries." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— SEPTEMBER  4,  1907. 


"HIS    MASTEE'S    VOICE." 


IRISH  Pio  (to  Chief  Secretary}.  "DIVIL  A  TASTE   OF  A  HOLIDAY  FOR  YOU,  ME  BHOY,  IF    I 

CAN  HELP  IT!" 


SEPTEMBER  4,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


175 


"  There  's  a  sort  of  little  creek, 
and  we  lake  our  lunch  \\ith  us,  and 
row  over — 

"  I  haven't  had  a  sandwich  or  a 
hard-boiled  egg,"  I  said,  "  for 
aeons." 

"  We  always  have  great  games  in  a 
cave  there.  You  sec  there  are  such  a 
lot  of  us,  and  some  of  them  are  quite 
children." 

"The  Smugglers'  Cave.  Aha! 
Once  aboard  the  lugger,  and  the  girl 
is  mine.  Don't  I  know?" 

There  was  another 
silence.  I  began  to  dig  up 
the  earth  with  my  stick. 

"  All  the  same,"  said 
Miss  MimiLF.TON  suddenly, 
"  I  must  say  I  prefer 
London." 

"  Do  you'.'  "  I  said 
doubtfully. 

"  Yes.  And  I  always 
think  it  's  so  much  nicer 
when  everybody  is  away. 
So  much  more  —  more 
empty." 

"Y-yes." 

"  After  all,  the  sea  is 
dreadfully  over-rated." 

"  Oh,  do  say  you  're 
disappointed  in  the  sea." 

"  The  bathing  is  nothing 
like  so  nice  as  in  fresh 
water. ' ' 

"  No,  it  isn't,  is  it?  " 

"  And  then  the  evenings 
are  so  dull.  No  bridge,  no 
theatres,  no  anything." 

'  That  really  is  so,"  I 
agreed.  "  And  at  the  sea- 
side one  is  always  getting 
wet.  I  do  think  that  's  so 
uncomfortable." 

"  It  is.  And  the  salt 
simply  spoils  the  hair,  I  'm 
sure." 

"  Well,  then,  you  advise 
me,  after  all,  not  to  go?  " 

"  Yes,  I  shouldn't  go  if 
I  were  you." 

'  You    mustn't    think    I 
couldn't    go.       There  's    a 
hansom,  and  I've  only  got 
to  say,   '  Drive  to  Paddington,'  and 
he  'd  be  off  at  once." 

"  No,  don't  go." 

I  got  up  slowly. 

"All  right,"  I  said.  "Good-bye. 
You  've  done  rne  a  lot  of  good.  So 
you  're  off  again  to-morrow.  I  hope 
it  '11  be  better  than  you  expect." 

"  Oh,  well,  we  shall  struggle  on 
somehov,-.  Good-bye." 

I  walked  slowly  back  along  the  hot 
streets.  The  Strand  was  absolutely 
deserted;  but  I  saw  what  might  have 
been  a  journalist  lurking  in  a  corner 
of  Fleet  Street.  A.  A.  M. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

I-ATRACTED   FBOM   THE   DlABT   OF   Tuny,   M.I1. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday, 
August  26. — RACHEL  BIRRELL  v 
ing  for  his  Evicted  Tenants  Bill  will 
not  be  comforted.  The  Lords,  having 
passed  second  reading  without  a  divi- 
sion, laid  heavy  hands  on  it  in  Com- 
mittee. 

"  What    has    been    done    by    the 
amendment  of  Lord  ROBERTSON,"  he 


THE  Tl  XIGHTMARE. 

"THE  GREY  LIITI.E  MAN." 

(Lord  Cl-nr-c-rde.) 

wailed,  "is  really  the  triumph  of 
Lord  CLANRICARDF." 

Bill  as  it  stood  hardly  worth  add- 
ing to  Statute  Book.  But  half  a  loaf 
better  than  no  bread.  So,  "  yielding 
to  superior  force,  in  no  way  submit- 
ting to  the  force  of  the  Lords'  argu- 
ments," he  recommended  acceptance 
of  the  transformed  measure. 

Whilst  at  the  Chief  Secretary's 
office,  WALTER  LONG  deplored  the 
plague-spot  of  the  CLAXRICARDE 
estate.  Early  in  this  very  session  his 
successor,  amid  general  cheering,  ex- 
pressed approval  of  a  proposal  to  pass 


:i  s|M-i-i:il  Act  relieving  CLANKIC.MIIM: 
tenants  from  nightmare  weight  of 
their  landlord.  And  here  to-day, : 
after  long  debate  in  both  Houses,  the 
grey  little  man  with  the  lean  face 
ami  shabby  clothes  comes  out  top 
dog.  A  Bill  avowedly  designed  to 
bring  him  on  the  knee  is  at  last 
moment  specially  altered  BO  as  to 
leave  him  undisturbed. 

That  a  touch  of  tragedy.  Comedy 
•  in  in  case  of  another  noble 
landlord  who  is  openly 
accused  of  deliberately 
blowing  up  his  own  shoot- 
ing lodge.  At  close  of  ani- 
mated conversation  be- 
tween Nationalists  and 
CHIEF  SECRETARY,  that 
blameless  bewildered 
Briton,  A.  S.  WILSON, 
chips  in  with  enquiry, 
"  Is  there  any  truth  in  the 
suggestion  that  Lord  ASH- 
TOWN  blew  himself  up?  " 

"  I  was  not  aware  he 
w,as  blown  up,"  answered 
the  cautious  BIRRELL. 

No;  but  his  marble 
mantelpiece  was  blown 
clean  out  of  the  room  in 
the  dead  of  a  rainy  night. 
Here  curtain  of  Session 
falls  on  Ireland,  with  Mar- 
quis of  CLANHIOARDE  danc- 
ing triumphal  jig  on 
Evicted  Tenants  Bill,  and 
Lord  ASHTOWN  accused  of 
attempting  to  blow  him- 
self up  to  serve  his  pri- 
vate ends,  the  enterprise 
resulting  in  dislodgment  of 
his  amazed  marble  chim- 
ney-piece. 

0  RICHARD,  0  raon  roi, 
L'univcrs  t'abandonne. 

Oh  Ireland,  oh  my  coun- 
try !     The  world  abandons 
quest  among  the  peoples  of 
her       Principalities       for 
parallel   with    theo    in   tho 
freshness,    originality    and 
variety    of    thy    flashes    >f 
humour,        often        grim, 
mostly  sorrowful,  ever  incomparable. 
Business     done.— Lords'     amend- 
ments to  Evicted  Tenants'  Bill  con- 
sidered. 

Tuesday.—  In  his  advancement  to 
Peerage  by  way  of  judicial  Bench, 
Lord  ROBERTSON  left  behind  him 
in  Commons  pleasant  memories 
of  one  of  its  acutest,  most  powerful 
debaters.  Reputation  enhanced  in 
the  Lords.  Does  not  often  contri- 
bute to  debate.  When  he  speaks  his 
supremacy  is  unquestioned. 

These  things,  combined  with  know 
ledge  that  at  a  time  of  systematic 


176 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


:  MIIUI  4,    1  •.*>:. 


TOSBIXO  THE  LEGISLATIVE  CABER. 
Lord  Ii-b-rt»-n.  "  Oh,  if  1  weren't  a  I-aw  Lord,  wouldn't  I  shew  them  a  bit  of  tossing !  " 


hedging  in  politics  he  is  a  stern,  un- 
bending, high-church  Tory,  deepened 
the  stupefaction  with  which  noble 
Lords  listened  to  what  they  at  the 
moment  understood  to  be  a  personal 
confession  of  faith.  It  was  made  in 
debate  on  Evicted  Tenants'  Bill. 
House  aweary  of  subject  sat  in 
semi-somnolent  state,  even  though 
ROBERTSON  was  on  his  legs.  Sud- 
denly awakened  by  hearing  him 
say,  "  I  have  many  points  in  common 
with  His  Majesty's  Ministers." 

"What!  "  cried  BURLY  BALFOCB, 
rubbing  his  eyes. 

"  I  um  a  member  of  the  National 
Liberal  Club." 

"Ah  I"  chuckled  CLANBICABDE, 
who  belongs  to  the  Reform. 

"  I  am  a  passive  resistor." 

"  Whew !  '  whispered  the  Bishop 
of  SALISBUBY. 

"  I  was  a  pro-Boer." 

"  A  passive  resistor  would  be  any- 
thing,' murmured  the  Marquis  of 
SALISBURY. 

"  I  married  my  deceased  wife's 
lister." 

"  I  can  quite  believe  it,"  acidly  re- 
marked the  Duke  of  NoBTin'Mitrit- 
j  vxn. 


"  None  of  my  children  are  vac- 
cinated." 

Here  there  was  a  disturbance  in 
the  gallery  over  the  Bar  whence 
Members  of  House  of  Commons 
watch  debates,  and  Mr.  LUPTON  was 
led  forth  by  an  attendant. 

Hubbub  silenced,  Lord  ROBERTSON 
continued. 

"  Yes,  my  Lords,  we  can  imagine 
a  Radical  pleading  all  these  things 
as  reasons  why  he  should  be  ex- 
empted from  submission  to  the  law 
of  the  land.  But  even  the  I'RIMI: 
MINISTER  would  be  deaf  to  such 
argument. ' ' 

Noble  Lords  breathed  again. 

Husincsx  done. — Conferences  be- 
tween both  Houses.  With  a  little 
give,  some  take,  differences  on  dis 

?uted     Bills     settled.       Night     and 
'eaec  settle  down  over  both  Houses. 
Wednesday.  —  fiuninrss      done.  — 
Prorogation. 

Mr.  Punch's  Proverbial  Philosophy. 
ONCE    bitten,    never    look    a   gift 
horse  in  the  mouth. 


\,  1 1. it  HiHK1  i.i.K'.j.'N. — Tho  Cult  ol 
the  l>ni.t  rr  MncKrnna. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

IN    THE   CofNTRY. 

HroadlanJs. 

I  'i  MSI  -T   PAPIISK,     1  Ve   H   1' 
'ul    of    people    here,    pledged    for    a 
week    l«>    the    simple    life    and    rural 

«Mi  as  I  armed   I   was  » 
ipon    liv    tin-    vicaress    liere    f.ir    the 
isnal   ODUrch   ha/aar.     The   ohject    is 
i   n-rij  good  on  I  out   pa> 

to  the  women  ,,f  tin-  Lirri|>op  Const. 
[  don't  <|iiitf  know  where  it  is.  lint 
myhow  it  '•  DUMl  frightfully  sunny 
tliere,  and  so  of  course  the 
things  want  parasols.  In  earh 
'II  he  n  little  moral 
sentence  printed  in  the  I.irri|>op 
language,  so  that,  ns  the  vicar  says, 
the  parasuls  will  drill;,'  li<jht  as  well  as 

idc  to  the  Lirripop  Coast.  NORTY 
he  thinks  it  's  an  idea  that 
might  bo  work'  'I  to  advantage  here 
at  home,  and  that  a  few  serious 
phrases,  such  as  the  8th  Command- 
ment for  instance,  printed  inside 
umbrella*  might  prevent  some  of  the 
mistakes  that  uiv  made  at  Cluhs  and 
places. 

Tin-  bazaar  was  held  in  the 
grounds  here,  and  wo  all  helped.  I 
had  a  Witch's  Cave,  and  called 
myself  "  A  Sibyl  from  the  Land  of 
Palms,"  and  read  hands  and  told 
fortunes  in  a  crystal  ball.  BOSH  and 
WEE-WEE  dressed  up  as  Italians, 
and  had  a  piano-organ  and  sold  ice- 
creams. NORTY  had  charge  of  the 
Fish  Pond  and  a  Weighing  Chair; 
but  he  came  so  often  to  have  his  for- 
tune told  that  he  had  to  be  warned 
off  at  last.  Aunt  GOLDIK,  wl".  '•, 
here,  was  quite  sniffy  at  being 
to  help  at  the  1'lain  Needlework 
Stall,  and  ended  by  not  selling  at  all. 

POPSY,  Lady  RAMSOATE,  who  's 
staying  at  the  Grange  with  a  party. 
came  over  to  help  at  the  ('afe-ermn- 
taut,  escorted  by  her  latest  fiat- 
college  chum  of  her  grandson's.  She 
was  in  white  Indian  muslin,  made 
Kmpire,  with  n  big,  frilled  bahy-hat 

to  match,  and  she  sang  son f  the 

things  from  the  "  Toddling 
Tunes  "  that  i-veryone  's  singing 
just  now ;  and  then  she  gave 
"  Comin"  thro'  the  live."  and  when 
she  got  to  the  lino,  "  All  the  lads 
they  smile  at  mo,"  given  with  her 
youthfullest  grin — well,  the  local 
lads  in  the  audience  ,/;,/  smile  and 
the  lasses  too — audibly' 

JOSIAII  iiiKixtx  on  our  going  fur  a 
picnic.  HI-  says  it  's  the  ri^'ht  tiling 
in  the  eoiintn..  It  's  no  use  telling 
him  pieni  dead  as  the  1 '••!••. 

and  that  tx>l>od\   goes  for  them.      He 
there  'II   he  all   the  more  room 


SE!Mi:.\ni::it  A,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


177 


>  " 

First  Cockney.  "  WHAT'S  THE  BEST  WAY  TO  KETCH  FISH,  DILL?" 


Second  Do.  "  Tr  'lit  ON  THE  'EAD  WHEN  HE  COMES  CP  TO  ss: 


for  us.  Aunt  GOLDIE  said  she  'd  like 
it  too,  and  might  we  go  to  some  ruins 
ten  miles  off,  where  there  was  an 
early  Norman  door'.'  "  Why,  there  's 
nothing  to  worry  about  in  an  early 
door,"  suid  NORTY ;  "every  theatre 
has  one !  " 

We  'd  a  lovely  Soap  Bubble  Tour- 
nament yesterday  (Bosn  blew  the 
biggest;  it  was  so  enormous  that  he 
was  quite  exhausted,  and  WEE-WEE 
had  to  fetch  her  salts),  and  to- 
morrow we  have  a  Hoop-bowling 
Gymkhana.  Hoop-bowling  has  quite 
caught  on  since  I  introduced  it,  and 
the  Broadlands  Rules  are  generally 
adopted.  Several  clubs  have  started, 
but  there  's  only  one  correct  one  to 
belong  to,  The  Hoop  and  Stick. 
Some  people  are  so  immensely  pre- 
cious over  their  hoop-bowling,  having 
the  hoop  gilt  all  over  and  the 
stick  done  with  jewels.  Myself  I 
think  a  plain,  polished  hoop  and  an 
ivory  stick,  with  the  crest  and  mono- 
gram in  gold,  are  the  most  workman- 
like and  snappy. 

Have  you  noticed  that  Breakfast 
is  coming  into  fashion  again?  And 
have  you  guessed  whose  influence  is 
at  work?  Yes,  my  dear,  you  're 
quite  right.  Your  BLANCHE  again ! 


Brekky  is  going  to  be  brought  into 
line  once  more,  and  given  all  its  old 
rights.  People  have  been  a  bit  shy 
of  it,  because  it  had  the  reputation  of 
being  such  an  intellectual  function. 
Well,  who's  afraid?  I  shall  giva 
Literary  Breakfasts  (I  shall  be  quite 
at  home  there,  for  I  've  marked  liter- 
ary tastes,  and,  if  I  had  time,  should 
write  novels),  and  I  may  give  Theo- 
sophic  Breakfasts  too,  and  get  the 
Scarlet  Poppy  Mother  and  some  of 
the  Universal  Brothers  to  come. 
What  fun  it  would  be  to  have  ROOTI- 
TOOTI-LAL  at  the  same  time,  and  let 
the  Brahmin  and  the  Theosophists 
fight  it  out !  But  that  's  on  the 
knees  of  the  gods.  Anyhow,  you  may 
bet  that  my  Breakfasts  will  be  in 
everybody's  mouth,  both  literally 
and  metaphorically,  next  year. 

Loo  DAVENANT  is  in  the  Alps, 
climbing  again,  I  hear;  and  she  's 
just  climbed  a  most  frightfully  diffi- 
cult Alp,  that  no  one  'a  been  up 
before.  And  yet  they  won't  let  her 
into  the  Alpine  Club!  Aren't  they 
pigs?  I  must  say  that,  though  the 
men  are  generous  to  us  in  many 
ways,  about  climbing  they  're 
beastly.  However  many  things  a 
woman  climbs,  they  won't  have  her 


at  any  price  in  the  crack  climbing 
club.  Between  you  and  me,  I  sus- 
pect they  're  jealous.  They  're  such 
tremendously  cautious  climbers 
themselves,  always  planning  for 
coming  down  as  well  as  going  up, 
and  as  we  don't  climb  in  that  way 
they  're  afraid  we  should  cut  them 
out. 

Would  you  like  to  know  the  latest 
riddle,  and  its  answer?  Well,  and 
so  you  shall,  my  dear.  When  is 
London  fullest?  When  it  's  empty. 

This  is  how  it  arose.  I  was  pass- 
ing through  town  between  some 
visits,  when  I  ran  across  TOMMY 

HURLINQIIAM. 

"  Studying  SHAKSPEAKE'S  '  De- 
serted Village  '?  "  he  said.  (I  didn't 
know  he  could  say  anything  so  liter- 
ary.) And  so,  after  we  'd  chatted  a 
few  moments,  he  said,  "  What  d'you 
say  to  eloping  with  me  to  the  Balkan 
States — for  dinner?  " 

Well,  EVE  looked  at  the  apple  and 
sniffed  its  aroma.  "  It  would  be 
rather  fun,"  she  said.  "  And  we 
shouldn't  meet  anyone  we  know." 

"  Not  a  soul!  "  said  the  SERPENT. 
"  We  should  see  the  Country  Cousin, 
the  whole  Country  Cousin,  and 
nothing  but  the  Country  Cousin. 


1TNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAKIYARI. 


VIM  n  4.    ]•>•;. 


•  i.I.l  be  swamped,  submerged 
in  barbarians." 

'lie    Sl.KI'KNT    called    a    tli 
and   Kvi:  got   in,   and   they    el..p.-d   to 
^.tting     ut     dinner. 
:y    and   chatty.    I    Imp) 
to  look  at  a  table  a  hi;  '.  and 

re  VAVASOOB!  ' '  v. 
that  she's  dining   with'.'"    1   asked 


iham  Lincoln      ('  '  -.» ill     be 


TOMMV,    who    had 

said 
TOMMY.       A  n. 

it  I  knew ;  and 
th.-n  TUUMV  :• 
man  he  knew*  and  in 
my  dear, 
though  Nobodiet 
swarmed  in  the  Bal- 
kans that  evening, 
.Some/..  >ilirx  were  a 
good  deal  in  evidence 
too,  and  were  not  at 
bll  pleased  to  be  often 
catching  sight  of 
Sotnebtdiei  Else!  So 
that 's  how  the  riddle 
•rose.  London's  emp- 
tinct*  has  proved  at- 
tractive, and  the  ex- 
pectation of  meeting 
no  one  leads  to  meet- 
ing ev.-ni 

r  thine, 
BLANCHE. 


FOOTBALL  PROSPECTS. 

r    "  Lineman" 
"  KvTer,"   "  ('oriri//iii7n,"  or 
i.»y  ulher  authority.) 

M  ri' row  x  Kovi 
— Sporlsineii  in  Mud- 
town  will  look  for- 
,  to  the  coming 
season  with  glowing 
anticipations.  The 
I'.overs  have  a  bank 
balance  of  no  less 
than  £10, 431,  and  not 
a  player  in  their  first 
team  cost  them  less 
than  i-liiO.  From 
these  facts  it  will  be 
obvious  that  the  Eng- 
lish Cup  and  the 
League  Championship  must  come  to 
Mud  town  this  season.  The  Com- 
••  of  the  Club  are  determined  to 
up  to  the  Rovers'  glorious 
motto,  "  The  gate,  the  whole  gate, 
aud  nothing  but  the  gate."  The 
usual  auction  sale  of  old  pi 

.n  Mud  town  favourite  (who, 
as    all    sportsmen     will     i 

irnley,  Head- 
ing, Tottenham,  Aston  Villa.  Celtic, 


>tle    Fulled,    and   a   few    minor 
knocked   il  Hind- 

i-hire   ' 

.    much    i 

at    1<  old    frienils    ut    Mud- 

had  sp 

ths. 

inrnM'V\.      ] 
.lingers  of  this  club  p; 
to  run  it  on   n.  w   lines  this  season. 


patriotic   emotion.      It 
i    that    the   Kn 
the  I.e:i_Mie  Championaoip  will  find  a 


filled     with 
cont'hl.-ntly 
('up   and 


Jaek  A*l<»re  (holJiny  out  feather-led  in  tieir  nf  threatened  eollitian  icith  opposite 
e).  "Aaor  Tune!    FCLL  SPEED  AJTARX  !     WHABAE  TOO   COMIKO,  ELTCNINO  DOWN 

•OAT*    MII.I.LE   O'  THE  IIOIIT?" 


They  have  actually  signed  on  a  local 

r     I'n.i.iv,     •  .v    emir. 

half  having  bt-eii  born  within  thirty- 
two  miles  of  Juggleton  Town  Hall. 
Last  season's   team,    it    will    I 
membered,      cons;  :iiely     of 

Scotchmen     and     x.  -i.       This 

year  t     team     will     include 

ichmen,   three   \Vcli-: 
and  1  •  he  local  enthusiast.    It 

is  felt  that  a  team  so  on 


•  'ii  tin-;  ;• 
Mini  The 

jilavt  is   :ire   all   will  .....  .•   or   two   ex- 

ceptions     in      tli- 

C.n  HiiVNK        tl 

(piekeil    lie    at    a   i  !    the 

end  of  la- 

hov  .)  his 

ni-lit  him.  I    in    I 

petit.  MAI 

th- 

liei-p.-r,          W.i 

kicked  by  tl 
in      n      recent      tiial 
'  Felt    in 

•;ith        t 

to         pi 

players  from  the  liru- 
tulity  c.:  In 

this     case     a     ]• 
who  merely  hit  I 

•  in    the    mouth 
f'ir    allow  iiiL'     a     \er\ 

doubtful          [.'oitl          WH! 

bnitnlly  kielc  1.  and 
may  be  out  of  th< 
tenm  for  a  week 
Still,  when  the  in- 
jured players  recover, 

•jit  smith      enliiu- 
i  lain 
that     tin'     t    am     wil' 

-  n\\  a\   t  he  laurel- 
from  the  Final  :it   tin 

-tul     Pal.: 
will     also     be     I 
champions      of      the 

1C. 
F.\  HilNoHVM 

—  Some      doulit 

to     whether 

•i'lL'ham         \' 
have      u      t'  -am      this 
season,    a--    all    their 
old   players    had    b.-eii 

•  -:.-d      of      at      the 
auction   mart    to   (ire- 
vent    the    inortpi. 
from    for.  i'l..-.i,.-    on 
the     ground.        Il<  w- 

:  man- 

like   Chairman    of    the    !.•.  .ni 

has      offered      a      til" 
pounds   fin    the   lease   of   tli.     refresh- 

on  the  gnnind  tl 
Consequently       the       club,       tl  >  ugh 

hand       Mr.    1  ;  i<  HAM     the 
ut    in 


Scotland 


a     I.  am.         Its 


League    potentialities    will     I"     un- 
and    who,  \    i    VMIIS   the 
exceedingly  difficult"  to  -h  (.'up  will  have  to  beat  it  first. 


SEPTEMBER  4,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


179 


FLOR    FINA:    A    DELICATE    HINT. 

The  Colonel  (to  friend's  gardener,  uho  has  given  him  a  lultonJiole).  "I  ALWAYS  THINK,  JOHN,  THAT  YOUR  FLOWEBS  SMELL  SWEETER  THAN  ANT." 
John.  "So  DO  Youn  WEEDS,  SIR."  The  Colonel.  "An,  WILL  YOU  TRY  ONE,  JOHN?" 

John.  "\VELL,  THANK  YOU,  Sin,  I  DON'T  MIND  IF  I  DO.    ER— I  COULD   SEND  Yon  UP  A  BOX   FULL  OF  THEM   FLOWERS,  IF  YOU'D   LIKE  TO 
HAVE  'EM." 


BUSH'S  GRIEVANCE. 

I  AM  very  happy  for  the  most  part. 
I  have  perfect  health  and  a  good 
appetite,  and  They  are  very  good  to 
me  here :  let  me  worry  them  at 
meals,  and  toss  me  little  bits — 
chiefly  bread  and  toast,  I  admit,  but 
nice  bread  and  nice  toast ;  and  though 
lie  spends  far  too  much  time  indoors 
with  books  and  things,  and  She 
doesn't  go  for  walks,  and  the  puppy- 
girl  has  a  dog  of  her  own,  and  doesn't 
want  me  (nor  do  I  want  her),  yet  I 
manage  pretty  well,  for  there  is  a 
boy  who  often  goes  to  the  village, 
through  the  rabbit  fields,  and  takes 
me  with  him,  and  there  is  a  big 
house  near  by  where  the  servants 
throw  away  quite  large  bones  only 
half  scraped.  Either  they  are  ex- 
travagant or  they  don't  make  that 
horrid  waterv  stuff,  the  ruination  of 


good  bones,  which  My  People  here 
will  begin  their  dinner  with. 

So  you  see  I  don't  do  badly;  and, 
though  now  and  then  I  have  to  be 
whacked,  still  it  doesn't  hurt  much, 
and  He  only  half  knows  how  to  do  it ; 
while  as  for  Her  (when  He  's  away) 
She  's  just  useless. 

But  my  grievance,  you  say?  Oh, 
yes,  I  have  one  grievance,  and  talk- 
ing it  over  with  other  dogs,  particu- 
larly spaniels  (like  me),  I  find  that 
it  's  a  very  common  one.  My  griev- 
ance is  the  game  they  will  play  in- 
stead of  going  for  a  walk.  In  winter 
it  's  all  right,  They  walk  then ;  but 
in  summer  They  will  play  this  game. 
I  can't  make  head  or  tail  of  it  my- 
self, but  They  simply  adore  it.  It  is 
played  with  four  balls — blue  and  red 
and  black  and  yellow — and  hoops. 
First  one  of  Them  hits  a  ball,  and 
then  the  other.  It  goes  on  for  ever. 


I  do  all  1  can  to  show  Them  what  I 
think  of  it :  I  lie  down  just  in  front 
of  the  balls ;  sometimes  I  even  get 
in  the  way  and  stop  the  balls  com- 
pletely; but  They  don't  take  the 
hint :  They  just  shout  at  me  or  prod 
me  with  the  mallet. 

That  's  my  grievance.  Of  course 
it  was  pretty  bad  when  They  got  a 
dog  for  the  little  puppy-girl,  especi- 
ally as  it  is  not  a  breed  I  care  for; 
but  that  I  can  stand.  It  's  this 
wretched  monopolising  game  that  I 
can't  stand.  I  hate  it. 

"  It  is  extremely  doubtful  if  Middlesex  rained 
anything  by  batting  first,  for  though  the 
ground  was  at  its  easiest  for  an  hour,  it  always 
gave  the  bowlers  some  assistance  afterwards, 
though  towards  the  end  of  the  afternoon  it 
was  less  difficult  than  at  any  oilier  time." — 
Daily  Chronicle. 

IN  the  circumstances  wo  should 
have  tossed  again. 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI 


4, 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

:l'.y  Mr.   1'itnrh'*  M.if  of  Isnnird  (  lerki.) 
WIIITIU  K  :li.-  inland  th 


->•  of  the  satirist's   iirt.      Hut    though 

Mr    Hi.M'M.i.'s  |in-tur.-s  .if  the  ii|i|i<-r  circles  of  tin-  ullage 
.  .f   Ni   .  '.:  amusing,  mill  though   In-  has  plenty 

of  smart   things   to  say   about   the  rector  and    tin 
mid  tl  'ln-tii,  1  don't  like  tin-  way  h.    savs  tin-in. 


:  .  .-f  fable  pi,..                        the  author  included  ?)  will  read  the  book 

I     don't     1                             fain,  hir                                               iy  and  sa\.  "  How  ,-l,-\,-r'            But   for  me  it   lacks  ti 

luxuriant  and  perennia  m,  and  .Id  tnski- : 

than  '"r 

huntress  is  s-  i   from  an  errant   lord,  Mr.  .1.  K.  VIM  KNT,  in  an  introduction  to  his  Tl,r<nnih 


li-linijuents 
cnown     to 
in  a  table 
•he     house 
Colchester 
•apriciously 


are      well 
one    another. 
in  the  hall  of 
of     the     i 
Jones      v 
displayed 


•  r  Car  (McTHOTDf),  explains  that  UM 
much  less  to  do  with  the  plot  than  i  should  hn\e  liked.  I  book,  tin-  fir-  "  was  undertaken  hd-auM-  the 

•  i  show  that  e\en  'ing  guid  -.\en-  by  no  means  ad-  the 

:  umbered  amongst   its  flora)  is  not    too    n Is  ,,f  th"  traveller  by  i  •    "      I  have  learnt  that 

sentence  oil  by   ln-:,it.  and 
at    the    end   of   e\.-rv    chap- 
-.d    t"    m\4rlf. 

"  Don't  be  so  absurd.    Why 
the    man    himself 
oiilv  means  it   f,u 
book.     Think  of  ..Id 
deker,     and     tr\     tin-     n.-xt 
chapter."  Wln-n    I    1.  ' 

for      that       personal      touch 
which    can     i  book 

of    this    title    so    ; 
and     had     to     be     content 
with    such    things    as    the 

•,t  of  the  author  on 
page  8,  and  the  opinion, 
on  page  111,  of  :,  friend  of 
his.  "  high  in  the  s.-i\ic.- 
of  the  Crown  and  of 
private  means,  whose 
name  it  would  be  a  breach 
of  faith  to  publish." 

tin  make  of  car — th.-n 
I  reminded  myself  that  in 
ft  guide-book,  of 


•r    heartache 

and     tragedy.      A     clerk 
falsifies      accounts, 
ladies    are    in    love    with 

-•.  and  a 

lent,  if  necessary,  death 
occurs;  but  there  are  blue 
skies  and  a  scent  of  orange 
groves  at  the  end.  after  a 
brutal  husband  has  met 
the  fate  we  were  somewhat 
anxiously  expecting  for 
him.  Mrs.  STEPNEY  lUw- 
SOH  is  now  and  then  in- 
clined to  lecture  a  little  (on 
KEATS  and  "  culchah,"  to 
take  a  couple  of  instances), 
but  she  has  made  a  very 
attractive  book  out  of  tin- 
passions  and  foibles  of  the 
"  Island  Children,"  whose 
work  and  !i\es  are  real 
after  all,  in  spite  of  the 
deceptive  smell  of  the 
flowers  and  the  sea. 

"  The  seizure  of  goods 
was  conducted  with  all 
the  consideration  and 
food  nature  which  might 
be  i  in  places 

where  the  officers  and  the 


I'VE    MEN    WiTCHIXO    THE    MAX     I*    THE    WHITE   COAT    FOE 
COVE  TIME,   MO  I   DOV'T  THHK  HE '«  TKVINQ  !  " 


those  of  the  wedding  presents  which  he  and  Mrs. 
Jones  had  agreed  not  unwillingly  to  (sacrifice.  They 
consisted  of  a  large  group  of  wax  flowers  resting  on  a 
looking-glass  beneath  a  shade,  a  set  of  prints  frame,  l  in 
mk  representing  FKITH'S  Hnad  to  linin,  and  a  w.  n 
Jrously  shaped  vessel  which  wus  presumably  intend,  -.1 
(or  an  ink-stand,  but  being  found  too  large  for  its  pur- 
pose was  judged  too  small  for  a  slop-basin."  uit,  s 

Mr.  GERARD  KKNDAI.I..  in  Mm.  Jnnm's  Bonn 

.    when    describing    tli--    meiins    by    which    the   law 
tvenges  itself  on  Mr.  J.mcn,  dinanting  minist, 
*ive  resistor.     The  passage  is  an  unusually  p-ma!  example 
•  I    the   satirical    humour    in    which    .V  u.l.'rt   book 

abounds.       Th-  I  find  with  ^ 

is  that  nothiiiL-  I  t"  it.        No  doubt   curm- 

dissenting  part-  i   i!n-ir  wivi-s  are  liable,  like  oth.-r 

folk,  to  the  Ms  i  wsion,  and  BP   therefore  tit  sub- 


book.     28  A.D.     Fancy : 

no  need  to  go  on.     It  was  m  .•  own  fault  entirely. 

those  who   wish    for  a   guide  !,. «'k    i  \ngliu 


all   this  was   really   extra, 
and  that  on.-  should  ti 
fore     be    grateful     for    it. 
When     I     hoped     for     tin- 
spirit   of   East    Angli  i 
day,  and  received  in^' 
tin-  dead  bones  of  one  who 
perished    in    28    A.D.,    his 
tumulus   being   well   worth 
a  visit,   I   said  to  m; 
"  How      interesting.        Of 
course,    that    is   just    what 
one  looks  for  in  a   \. 
Wln-n  I — 

I.., 
Mr. 


VIM  KXT'S  volume  ran  be  strongly  recommended.  It  is 
(lacked  with  information  as  t<>  the  histon  o(  every  t,,wn 
through  which  the  motor  passes.  The  illustrations  by 

Mr.     I    k\\K     >.-!    III'.M  I.    are    \el\     ; 


Hs^ue  Cooferenca  Information  . 

»hi|  s   in    r.«  •      r    waters   cannot 


'•   proviiioni  mi 

-  '        •     •   lllll-   tin-Ill     t"     M-.-l''|l 


'i-pairs  except  thoM  which  are  i 

•   • 
v 

,l 

llirir  own  country  or  a  noorrr  i  ential  • 

I'nilil  I'n/fr 
TIII^   i  l.tiisc   adds  nt  u   |i,int    to  the   old   savin. 


SEPTEMBER  11,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


THE  SIMPLE  LIFE. 
LETTEH  FEOM  ME.  PABSLIP. 
"  Summergrove," 

374,  Railu-ay  Terrace, 

Balham,  S.\\'. 

DEAR  MK.  PUNCH, — Some  years 
ago  I  became  ambitious  to  lead  the 
simple  life.  I  led  it.  \\Tth  regard 
to  the  life  I  led  I  will  only  remark 
that  it  was  either  (a)  a  great  deal  too 
simple,  or  (6)  not  nearly  simple 
enough.  I  do  not  write  on  that  sub- 
ject; I  write  to  ask  your  kind  advice 
in  the  following  circumstances. 

In  order  to  lead  the  simple  life  I 
bought  a  Cottage,  and  paid  £125  for 
the  freehold.  I  then  improved  the 
estate  as  follows  :  — 

1.  I  removed  the  broomstick  which 
had     been     used     to 

truss  up  the  door, 
and  replaced  it  by  a 
lock  and  two  hinges. 

2.  I  burnt  the  pack- 
ing-case   which     had 
been  used  as  a  hen- 
house. 

3.  I     planted     six 
cabbages    on    the 
ground    occupied    by 
the  packing-case. 

4.  I    filled    in    the 
ditch  and  sowed  some 
sweet    peas    on    the 
ground     thus     re- 
claimed.    I   also   put 
a  hat-peg  on  one  of 
the  doors,  and  made 
other  minor  improve- 
ments. 

After  leading  the 
simple  life  for  some 
weeks  I  decided,  for 
reasons  too  numerous 
to  mention,  to  sell 
the  estate;  and,  failing  to  find  a  pur- 
chaser, I  instructed  Mr.  BILGER  of 
the  adjoining  town  to  put  it  up  for 
auction.  I  enclose  a  copy  of  the  bill 
advertising  the  sale,  as  it  will  give 
you  an  idea  of  the  value  of  the  pro- 
perty. I  have  added  one  or  two 
explanatory  notes. 

AUCTION. 

MR.  WILLIAM  BILGER 
(Auctioneer.     Bottles  bought.   Agent 

for  Tidds'  Cattle  Spice) 
Has  received  instructions  from 

JAMES  MONTAGUE  PABSLIP,  ESQ., 
And    who    has    removed    the    neigh- 
bourhood 

[Absolutely  without  any  foundation 
of  truth.—J.M.P.] 

To  SELL  BY  PUBLIC  AUCTION 

All  that  Desirable  Double  Fronted, 
Detached  Freehold  Country  Cottage 
Residence  known  as  "  The  Ewe 


Pen,"  and  Situate  at  Blod  Hill, 
lately  in  the  occupation  of  the  said 
owner,  together  with  the  curtilage 
thereof  and  the  appendages  thereto 
pcrlaining  and  belonging,  including 
all  and  sundry  those  excellent  flo\\vr 
and  cabbage  gardens,  soft  watev 
storage  tank  [Not  accurate,  as 
there  were  two  water-butts.— 
J.M.F.],  assorted  garden  vases  [To 
be  exact,  there  were  five  flower-pots. 
— J.M.P.],  and  all  that  useful  piece 
of  horticultural  matting.  Free  of  all 
encumbrances,  and  comprising 

1.  All  that  excellent  Kitchen  Par- 
lour with  range  by  WILLIAMS  [/  had 
not  noticed  that  the  range  was  by 
WILLIAMS,  but  the  statement  may  be 
accepted.  —  J.M.P.],  12  ft.  by 
9  ft.  6  in.  or  thereabouts,  with  excel- 


On,  ERIC,  LOOK  AT  THAT  POOB  LITTLE  DOO  !      ITS  MOTHER  LET  IT  WALK  TOO  BOON  !  " 


lent  scullery  adjoining,  and  coal  vase. 

2.  All     that     handsome     handrail 
staircase  with  cupboard  below,  lead- 
ing to :  — 

3.  All  that  spacious  Double  Attic 
Bedroom,  measuring  14  ft.  8  in.  by 
12  ft.,  or  thereabouts,  in  greatest  di- 
mensions,   with    picturesque    lattice 
window  and  excellent  modern  ward- 
robe fitting  on  door.      [Quite  right;  I 
put  up  the  peg  myself. — J.M.I1.] 

AND    INCLUDING 

All  that  Right  of  access  to  the  said 
Ewe  Pen,  and  also  All  That  Right  to 
shoot  rubbish  through  the  hedge  on 
to  neighbouring  land  and  run  fowls 
thereon.  [There  was  also  all  that 
right  to  break  through  hedge  and 
come  in  again  to  path  further  on,  as 
said  path  was  at  one  point  impass- 
able in  wet  weather. — J.M.P.] 
BY  ME.  WILLIAM  BILGER, 
At  the  hour  of  12  noon  (prompt) 


•:  at  Ihe  "  Bull  Inn,"  Blod,  on 
Thur.Mlay  iii-.\t,  tin.-   17th  U 

By  order  of  the  ()\M 
And  who  has  Tctmn-i-d  the  ncirjlibour- 

ho»J. 

Except  that  I  intensely  resent  tin: 
repeated  statement  that  I  n  n 
the  Neighbourhood,  which  is  an 
abject  falsehood,  as  I  never  at- 
ti-niptrd  imUliing  of  the  sort,  and  am 
quite  ignorant  how  such  things  are 
done — I  say,  except  for  this,  1 
sidered  the  advertisement  to  br,  if 
anything,  more  than  accurate,  and 
naturally  looked  forward  to  receiving 
a  sum  far  in  excess  of  my  modest 
outlay.  What  then  was  my  aston- 
ishment on  learning  that  the  pro- 
perty had  been  knocked  down  for 
£70  10s.,  and  that  the  purchaser  was 
the  auctioneer's  son- 
in-law.  I  quite  realise 
that  my  experience  is 
all  part  of  the  Simple 
life,  but  I  am  not 
leading  it  now,  and  I 
should  like  to  do 
something  about  the 
matter.  Hence  this 
letter  to  you.  En- 
closing stamp  for  re- 
ply, and  thanking 
you  in  anticipation, 
I  remain, 

Yours  faithfully, 

J.  M.  PABSLIP. 
[Mr.  PABSLIP  baa 
placed  us  in  a  most 
painful  dilemma,  for, 
since  he  has  thanked 
us  in  anticipation, 
we  feel  ourselves  to 
be  under  a  deep  obli- 
gation to  send  him 
the  advice  he  asks, 
yet  he  has  made  it 
iir.-possible  for  us  to  do  so,  as  he  did 
not  enclose  the  Postage  Stamp  to 
which  ho  refers. — ED.] 


WE  extract  the  following  from 
Home  Chat.  It  appears  to  be  a  re- 
cipe for  beef-steak. 

"  Put  a  piece  of  carpet  or  a  blanket  over  the 
bath  and  leave  it  fur  about  two  hours.  Beat 
it  well  to  make  sure  it  is  smoothly  frozen  all 
through  and  serve  it  on  ice-plates." 

Commercial  Candour. 
"  HALL  CAINE,  possibly  the  nove- 
list with  the  most  vivid  imagination, 
says,   '  My  experience  of   "  S — 
has  been. that  as  tonic  nerve  food  it 
has  on  more  than  one  occasion  done 
me  good.'  " — Grand  Magazine. 

Taking  No  Risks. 
"  WANTED,  New  Laid  EGGS;  must 
be     fresh."  —  Peterborough     Adver- 
tiser. 


18* 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[terminal  11.  l'J07. 


THE    MAGISTRATES'    TRIPOS. 


[It  Has  been  stigmted  in  Ttie  Daily  Trifjmj^  that  apnoinlmentj 
to  tli*  Magisterial  Batch  should  bo  nuuWt  only  after  the  Osiiiinl.il.- 
hav*  p«Mrxi  an  riaminatinc.  l/r.  7'unrA  has  been  able  to  secure  one 
of  the  proposed  K.xamiuauuu  Papers  ] 

TUESDAY.  0.  ....    0  —  12. 

(CANDIDATES  mre  requested  to  write  their  IT 
legibly  on  one  side  of  the  paper  only.  Sheets  must  In- 
numbered  consecutively.  The  name  of  the  Candidate 
must  be  written  in  the  t«p  right-hand  corner  of  each 
sheet.  Any  Candidate  detected  in  possession  of  Ktnne's 
Manual  or  any  other  aid  will  be  immediately  expelled.) 

(1)  A.  is  a  prisoner  charged  with  breaking  three  of  hit; 
wife's  ribs  by  kicking  her  with  hob-nailed  boots  after  h> 
had  inadvertently  pawned  the  cradle  and  feeding-bottle 
of  the  baby,  aged  three  months.  D.  is  a  prisoner  charged 
with  stealing  a  rabbit.     What  is  the  proper  sentence  in 
each  case?     If  A.  pleads  in  mitigation  that  the  woman 
aggravated  him  and  nagged  him,  do  you  consider  that  n 
nominal  sentence  would  meet  the  justice  of  the  case?    If 
not,  why  not?      If  B.  states  that  a  man  he  never  met 
before  gave  him  the  rabbit  and  then  went  away,  would  it 
in  your  opinion  be  improper  to  add  six  months  to  his 
sentence? 

(2)  "  Trespassers  will  be  prosecuted  with  the  utmost 
rigour  of  the  law."       State  succinctly  the  law  on  the 
subject  of  trespass,  and  give  a  detailed  list  of  the  penal- 
tie*  with  which  the  offence  can  be  punished.       If  you 
were  a  Colonel  and  a  Justice  of  the  Peace,  and  if  you 
met  C.,  a  Nonconformist  Minister  and  a  Passive  Resistor, 
walking  in  one  of  your  fields,  what  would  you  do?      If 
C.'s   widow  afterwards   applied   for   assistance    to   the 
Parish,  would  it  be  right  to  grant  it? 

(3)  Write    a   short    essay   on   one   of  the    following 
subjects  :  — 

I.  The  Stocks.     Ought  they  to  be  revived  ? 
II.  Should  Magistrates'  Clerks  be  abolished? 
III.  The  J.P.  in  fiction  and  in  fact. 

IV.  The  true  function  of  a  I/ord  Lieutenant. 

V.  The  use  and  abuse  of  a  Lord  Chancellor. 

(4)  The  rules  of  evidence.     State  them  fully.     If  two 
policemen  swear  that  a  certain  prisoner  stole  a  lady's 
muff  while  their  backs  were  turned,  and  if  seven  indepen- 
dent witnesses  swear  that  he  was  ten  miles  away  from 
the  scene  when  the  theft  was  committed,  what,  in  your 
opinion,  would  be  an  adequate  sentence  for  the  prisoner, 
and  in  what  manner  should  the  policemen  be  rewarded  ? 

(5)  What  references  to  game  are  to  be  found  in  the 
Bible? 

(6)  Is  a  magistrate's  coachman  entitled   to  wear  a 
cockade  on  his  hat  —  (a)  generally;  (b)  when  the  hat  is 
constructed  of  straw?     If  not,  state  what,  in  your  view, 
is  the  use  of  being  a  magistrate. 

(7)  If  you  convict  a  prisoner  and  the  Court  of  King's 
Bench  quashes  the  conviction,  what  is  the  proper  form  m 
which  you  can  express  your  respect  for  the  Judges  of  tin- 
High  Court? 

(8)  A.   is  a  prisoner  arrested  for  the  use  of  strong 
language.     B.  is  a  magistrate  who  has  been  an  oftieer  in 
the  Army.     When  A.  is  brought  before  B.  what  should 
B.  do,  A.  having  once  been  present  when  H.  missed  a 
stroke  at  golf? 

(9)  "No  manner  of  doubt  exists  but  that  property  in 
game  ought  to  be  protected  by  the  Law.       Nay.  there 
have  been  jurists  of  high  repute  who  have  maintained 
that    game,    properly    rietred,    ranis  above    Crown   and 
rarliament    and    Church    as    a    proper    subject    to    be 
cherished  and.  maintained  by  the  Laws  of  the  Realm." 


•••  the  name  of  the  author  of  the  above  passage  and 
the  name  nf  the  work  from  which  it  is  taken;  and  [w>int 
out  I.  nelly  in  what  respects  it  falls  short  of  the  best 
magisterial  opinions  held  on  the  subject  at  the  pr 

_ 

OUR    ELYSIAN    LIMERICKS! 
£80,000  :  16  :  6  :     DIVIDED  THIS  WEEK  ! 

As  our  readers  uill  see  from  the  above.  we  ha\e  at  one 
bound  outstripped  all  our  contemporaries  in  the  amount 
distributed  this  week.  The  task  of 

MR.  GEOFFRKY  CIIAIVF.R, 

the  well-known  Canterbury  Poet,  has  been  no  light  one, 
and  his  final  choice  of  prize-winners  as  published  bolow  is 
subject  to  no  appeal.  If  the  authors  of  the  winning 
Limericks  will  send  us  their  present  addresses  througo 
the  Dead  Letter  Office,  cheques  will  be  forwarded  to 
them  without  delay. 

THE  AMOUNT  DIVIDED. 

The  amount  divided  this  week  is  £50,000  16«.  fid.,  so 
that  each  of  the  five  successful  attempts  wins  £  1  0,000, 
and  in  addition  there  are  two  consolation  prizes  of 
8s.  3d.,  thus  accounting  for  the  odd  16s.  6d.  The  five 
successful  Limericks,  as  chosen  by  Mr.  CIIAI  CKK.  are  as 
follows  :  — 

(1)  SIR  W.  SCOTT. 

Oh  1  young  Lochinvar  is  come  out  of  the  West, 
Through  all  the  wide  border  his  steed  was  the  best, 

He  rode  all  alone, 

And  to  judge  by  his  tone, 

"  Bridal  "  paths  were  the  paths  of  which  he  was  in  quest. 
[Sir  W.  SCOTT'S  happy  choice  of  the  word  "  Bridal  "  earni  him  a  prize.] 

(2)  H.  W.  LONGKI  i.i.ow,  Esq. 

I  shot  an  arrow  into  the  air, 
It  fell  to  earth  I  know  not  where, 
For  so  quickly  it  flew 
That  it  soon  pierced  the  Blue, 
And  it  wasn't  a  "  long-bow,"  so  there! 
[The  introduction  of  "  long-bow  "  is  distinctly  neat] 

(3)  P.  B.  SHKLLF.Y,  ESQ. 

A  Sensitive  Plant  in  a  garden  grew, 

And  the  young  winds  fed  it  with  silver  dew, 

\Vith  its  leaves  to  the  light, 

'Xeath  the  kisses  of  night, 

We  may  take  it  as  "  read  "  that  the  plant  was  "  blue." 
[The  play  upon  the  word*  "  red  "  and  "  blue  "  is  decid<-dly  clever] 

(4)  R.  BKOWNINO,  Esy. 

I  sprang  to  the  stirrup,  and  Jorin,  and  he; 
I  galloped,  I'irck  galloped,  \\e  galloped  nil  three. 
"  Good  speed  !  "  i-ried  they  nil, 
"  Quick  !  "  e,  •!]..,  ,1  id,,  wall, 
(  For  it  wasn't  a  very  good  echo,  \ou  see  ') 
[Mr.  DIOWXINO'S  lait  line  hits  off  the  situation  admirably.] 
(~>)  1\.  IlrxN.s, 


Scots  wh  a  hae  \\i'  Wallace  bled. 
Scots  wham  Bruce  tins  often  led, 
I  .et    Limericks  hang, 
Pinna  saxpeuees  hang  ! 
But  pit  them  into  the  hank  ins-: 
[Mr.  BUKMR'S  pawky  humour  lias  put  a  good  many  ssiponces  into  hit 

pocket.] 

Our  consolation  prizes  are  awarded  to  Mrs.  F.  Hi  MASS 
and  W.  Woiuisw-oRTii,  Esq.,  whose  lines  were  qply  a 
"  shade  "  inferior  to  those  quoted  above. 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CllARIVAKL-SmEMDEH  11,  190?. 


GOOD    RIDDANCE. 

Mn.  PUNCH  (to  Summer).  "  GLAD  TO  SAY  GOOD-BYE.    THE  MOST  DISMAL  VISIT  I  EVER  REMEMBER. 
RKK   WHAT  A  CHARMING  GROUP  WE  WERE  ABLE  TO  MAKE  LAST  YEAR!" 


SEPTEMBER  11,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


185 


HOLIDAY    NOTES. 

"  A   SPOUTING   LITTLE   NINE-UOLB  GOLF  COURSE   IS   SOW  ADDED  TO  THE  ATTRACTIONS  OF  SBBIUFINOTON.' 


THE   WEEK'S    ANECDOTAGE. 

(With  aclinowltdymenis  to  the  Daily  Prest.) 
I. 

(From  our  Special  Correspondent  at 
Madrid.) 

A  SWEET  little  story  of  QUEEN  VIC- 
TORIA of  Spain  has  just  reached  me. 

Her  Majesty,  escorted  by  KING 
ALFONSO,  was  driving  in  the  wild  and 
picturesque  country  which  surrounds 
her  summer  home,  when  she  noticed 
a  little  peasant  boy  of  about  two 
years  old  seated  by  the  roadside. 
Pointing  to  the  child,  Her  Majesty 
remarked  to  KING  ALFONSO,  "  What 
a  pretty  little  fellow!  "  The  Royal 
couple  then  continued  their  drive. 

The  occurrence  has  made  a  deep 
impression  in  Spain. 

Photographs  of  Madrid,  Valladolid, 
and  Seville  will  bo  found  on  our 
Magazine  Page,  together  with  a  de- 
lightful picture  of  PRINCESS  ENA  (as 
she  once  was)  seated  at  needlework 
with  hor  mother,  PRINCESS  HENRY  OF 
BATTENHEUG. 

II. 

(From  our  Berlin  Correspondent.) 

While  taking  a  walk  this  morning 
the  KAISER  accidentally  dropped  his 
stick,  which  he  was  carrying  in  his 


right  hand.  An  Austrian  gentleman 
who  was  passing  at  once  sprang  for- 
ward without  a  moment's  hesitation, 
raised  the  stick  from  the  ground, 
and  presented  it  to  His  Majesty, 
who  thanked  him  graciously.  The 
incident  made  a  most  favourable  im- 
pression upon  all  who  saw  it. 

III. 

A  pretty  story  is  being  told  in  this 
district  (telegraphs  our  Canterbury 
correspondent)  about  the  Archbishop. 

His  Grace  has  been  staying  at  a 
house  in  the  neighbourhood.  When 
the  time  came  for  him  to  take  his  de- 
parture he  was  nowhere  to  be  found. 
At  last  someone  thought  of  looking 
outside  the  house,  when  his  Grace 
was  discovered  stroking  the  noses  of 
the  horses  which  were  to  take  him  to 
the  station  1  One  of  the  house-party 
fortunately  possessed  a  camera,  and 
obtained  an  excellent  photograph  of 
his  Grace  in  the  act  of  performing 
this  kindly  and  unobtrusive  act.  I 
enclose  a  copy. 

See  our  Magazine  Page.  The 
inset  on  the  right  shows  Lambeth 
Palace  from  the  River;  that  on  the 
left  shows  King  Street,  Canterbury, 
during  Cricket  Week.  Beneath  is  a 
typical  deceased  wife's  sister. 


A  LA  MODE. 

I. 

YOUNQ  RICHARD  BUCHANAN  M'CANN 
Was  a  smart^.  up-to-date  little  man. 
"Twas  a  saying  of  DICK, 
"  Though  I  may  not  be  spick, 
I  have  made  up  my  mind  to  be  span." 

II. 

They  say  that  I  was  in  my  youth 
Uncouth  and  ungainly,  forsooth  I 
I  can  only  reply, 
'Tis  a  lie  1   Tis  a  lie  I 
I  was  couth — I  was  perfectly  couth." 

— 

"The  Unionist  vote  is  not  only  more  than 
double  the  J.il>eriil,  but  has  a  majority  over  it 
actually  exceeding  its  total."— Dundee  Courier. 

THE  Editor  should  stick  to  some- 
thing easy,  like  Tariff  Reform. 
Figures  will  only  bring  on  the  old 
pain. 

As  is  generally  known,  African 
explorers  and  other  travellers  fre- 
quently have  to  rely  upon  observa- 
tions of  the  sun  in  order  to  discover 
the  time  of  day.  It  may  be  of  in- 
terest to  our  readers  just  now  to 
know  that  a  Tooting  resident  the 
other  day,  by  means  of  an  observa- 
tion of  the  correct  time,  discovered 
the  whereabouts  of  the  sun. 


IM 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[SUTEIIBEB    11,    1907. 


ATTILA,    MY    ATTlLA. 

DBA*    MR.    I.UKJNIK    I'.INVOH,— • 
For    vour    play    Attila    (or,    // 
brought   lack   (-'.••   Aichci)  1   h:. 
offer  you  i  thanks.     It  is 

a   fine   story    finely    told;     nn.l    it    is 

telling   i: 

have"  forgotten  that  you  were  a 
ami  r  nly  that 

a  dramatist.     Hut  the  fart  th:/ 
are  a  poet,  though  it  escaped  ymit 
own  notice,  lias  not  escaped  ours  win- 

jKH-try  could  not 
coining  out  of  anything  you   w 
but  we  are  grateful  that  \ve  did  not 
see  you  with  your  coat  off  putting  the 
purple  in. 

Now  to  the  more  genial  business  of 
criticising.  It  is,  as  you  know,  the 
duty  of  a  critic  to  point  out  how 
much  jollier  it  would  have  beet 
if  somebody  else  —  SHAKSPEARE  01 
KIPLING,  for  instance — had  written 
the  work  before  him,  or  in  the  last 
resort  what  he  himself  would  have 
done  with  it.  I  shall  go  at  once  to 
the  last  resort,  and  give  you  my 
own  idea  of  ATTILA  and  ILDICO. 

I  first  met  ATTILA  at  school,  in  a 
red  book  entitled  Great  Events  in 
Hillary .  ATTILA  THE  I  Irs,  he  was 
always  called  ;  and  inextricably  mixed 
up  with  him  was  another  person 
known  as  ALARIC  THE  GOTH.  Possiblv 
they  had  nothing  to  do  with  each 
other  really,  but  they  were  same  man 
to  me  in  those  days — just  a  type, 
strong,  overbearing,  cruel,  but  with 
a  certain  rough  chivalry  :  a  man  t< 
be  admired.  Later  on  I  read  Tin 
\u]'tiult  of  Attila.  but  that  did  not 
alter  my  opinion  of  the  man  in  any 
way ;  it  made  me  forget  ALARIC  for 
the  moment,  that  was  all.  And  it  gave 
me  a  clear  view  of  ILDICO  :  a  spotless 
woman. 

I  wish,  Mr.  BIXYON,  that  you 
thought  of  ATTILA  and  ILDICO  as  I  do; 
as  I  did,  rather,  for  what  I  have 
nn  the  stage  I  must  accept  as 
truth.  Do  you  really  do  them  jus- 
tice? I  called  your  play  a  "fine 
story"  above;  what  I  meant  was 
that  it  was  a  story  of  a  fine  time.  I; 
is  actually,  is  it  not,  a  sordid  >• 
Hod  you  left  out  KF.RKA  the  wife,  1 
could  still  have  loved  ATTILA  ;  he 
would  still  be  in  that  niohe  where 
now  ALARIC  stands  alone.  Was  it 
necessary  so  to  harp  on  the  desertion 
of  KERKA?  And  oh!  your  ILDICO ! 
What  a  pitiful  creature  you  make 

Well,  well,  if  ATTILA  and  ILDICO 
must  RO,  .'D  me  in- 

stead MKSSAI.I.  \.  t  .It  was  a 

wonderful  study  hy  Mr.   II.   K.   II  n; 
of  a  true  Human  :   the  greatest 
thing  in  the  play.     You  did  not  de- 


•'   • 

I'.odyu'uard.    Kn-.u's,    At 
i  .•.    they 

r.  ally    r.i.::i:.-hnien,    who   v 
shortly    \  -iiji|M-r    in 

hansoms ;  t.ut  MKS^U.I.\.  I  could  have 
I    in    ii    litter   from 
th:.t    day.     To  tell    the   truth. 
your  stray   linns  did  not   i:: 
much.     Their  plot  to  ;• 
into    a    bloodthirsty    ir.ood    was    the 
•'•.mi;  imaginable.     (llouih's 

di-r  sun.. 
did  lift  tell   him   to  sit   down   ill    : 

a  bit.)  And  they  were  not  quite 
agreed  about  the  Princess's  i 
"  llii.niro,"  said  some;  others, 
"Ii.nico."  True,  1  have  a  cook 
called  HKMII.Y,  but  I  always  think  it 
is  a  mistake. 


A  LOTUS'  Tin  a  BcBotitDT. 

Did  Mr.  OSCAR  ASCHE  remind  you 
of  ATTILA,  or  ATTILA  of  Mr.  ASCHE V 
lie  was  made  for  it;  probably  was 
ATTILA  (or  ALARIC,  I  cannot  give  up 
ALARIC)  in  another  life.  I  liked  him 
best  on  his  throne,  lying  back  with 
half-closed  eyes,  a  wonderful  figure 
of  strength  and  suspicion.  I  liked 
him  all  ways,  but  I  could  have 
wished  that,  when  he  had  burst  into 
the  scene  in  accordance  with  the 
"  plot,"  he  had  really  done  some- 
thing; knocked  a  few  men  about  and 
vt  il.bed  ONEGESIUS  by  mistake. 
(Had  I  been  ATTILA  I  should  have 
discarded  OXEOESIUS  in  the  first 
round.) 

Mitts  LILY  BRAYTON  looked  beauti- 
ful, and  spoke  with  a  beautiful  enun- 
ciation. Of  the  beauty  of  her  face  I 
could  never  weary,  but  of  the  beauty 
of  hrr  enunciation  I  c-.nf.  Ss  I  did.  In 
books  people  often  reply  in  a 
choked  with  emotion.  On  the  stage, 
of  course,  one  must  liot  actually 
choke.  .  .  hut  there  should  !>••  a 
give-and-take  in  the  matter. 


\\  .  !!,    Mr.    I'.ixvoN,    I    thank    you 

.     and     1    ctTer    my     coi-.urutuU- 

"i     i    !•!•.••   done   ii   tine   tiling, 

i  will  have  the  BV. 

you  il  ^   -a   are   fortunate   in 

•ticularly     in     Mr. 

'  'r.     II  I..M  i  i  ;   I    must 

nly  go  to  see    Mr.    HU;NETC  a 

"l      i    are    fortunate    iu 

having   Mr.    I'.ii  KI  your 

In  fact  your 

good  fortune  should  tempt  you  to  try 
(in   a  year's  tin  when 

Attilit'x  run  is  nearly  finished). 
Will  you  i.ot  then  inal.e  your  hero 
more  sympathetic:  strong,  overhear- 
ing, cruel,  Imt  with  a  certain  rough 
ehhalry1.1  A  man  like  Well,  like 
ALAKir  1111:  (M.I  ii. 

Believe  me,  your  admirer. 

If. 

P.S. — Do  you  ever  have  night- 
mares? I  had  one  last  i 
ATTILA  was  there,  and  the  scene  was 
still  His  Majesty's  Theatre,  hut  there 
was  no  Os<  AH  Asi  UK.  Instead  there 
was — but  1  must  not  put  these  awful 
imaginings  into  your  1. 


MADAMK    I.\    1'ATKONNE. 

:>  to  think  that  the  art  of  chouse 

Had  soared  to  its  apogee 
In  an  English  seaside  lodging-house 

At  Anyoldwhere-on-Sea ; 
But  the  "  extras  "  ghoul 
Is  a  perfect  fool 

To  the  bland  proprit'tiiire 
Of  the  Grand  Hotel  des  Supplements 

At  Dodoulle-sur-Mer. 

She  has  rules  that  number  at  least 
a  score ; 

If  you  break  one  you  must  pay 
A  lu/i/iirmrnf  of  a  franc  or  more, 

And  you  're  breaking  them  all  the 

day. 

There  's  a  penal  code 
That  would  even  goad 

Mark  Tapley  to  despair 
At  the  Grand  Hotel  des  Supplements 

At  Dodoville-sur-Mer. 

But  who  can  grumble  when  Madame 

(•earns, 

Who  but  a  heartless  crank, 
Though  she  'd  perjure  her  soul  for  ten 

centin. 

And  risk  her  life  for  a  franc? 
You  are  rohhed  to  your  face, 
Yet  it  's  done  with  grace 

And  a  sympathetic  air 

In  the  liraiid    Hotel  den  Supplements 

At  Dodoville-sur-Mer. 


When  Doctor*  Disagree. 
7. .ire  ihr  Judge,  by  WVMONH  CAKKY. 
•f     the     Criminal,     by     J.     B. 
HAKKIS  BL-RLAND. 


SEPTEMBER  11.  1907.]  PUNCH.    OK    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


187 


MUSICAL  NOTES. 

THE  announcement  that  a  popular 
violinist  had  renounced  the  musical 
profession  for  the  cult  of  Thcosophy 
will  be  fresh  in  the  minds  of  oui 
readers.  They  will  not,  therefore, 
be  altogether  surprised  to  hear  that 
a  number  of  other  distinguished 
musicians  are  about  to  follow  this 
momentous  example  and  adopt  fresh 
careers.  Thus  Madame  MELBA, 
having  amassed  a  colossal  fortune  on 
the  lyric  stage,  has,  so  it  is  stated, 
decided  to  throw  in  her  lot  with  the 
advocates  and  exponents  of  the 
Simple  Life,  and  will  shortly  take  up 
the  duties  of  Mother  Superior  of  a 
Tolstoian  Lamasery  in  the  Isle  of 
Thanet. 

Madame  CLARA  BUTT,  whose  Anti- 
podean tour  has  been  attended  with 
positively  pyramidal  success,  has 
accepted  the  offer  of  the  Throne  of 
Patagonia,  and  will  shortly  take  up 
the  arduous  duties  of  sovereignty  in 
that  gigantic  region.  Mr.  KENNERLEY 
RUMFORD,  we  are  glad  to  learn,  has 
been  appointed  Prime  Minister,  and 
will  shortly  be  raised  to  the  Patago- 
nian  peerage  as  the  Duke  of  TIERRA 
DEL  FUEGO.  The  Patagonian  mon- 
archy, as  our  readers  are  doubtless 
aware,  is  of  the  most  unlimited  char- 
acter, and  under  the  beneficent  rule 
of  QUKKN  CLARA  I.  the  prosperity  of 
the  country  will  advance  with  giant 
strides.  Already  three  battleships 
have  been  ordered  at  Elswick,  and  a 
colossal  pianola,  driven  by  20,000 
h.p.  turbine  engines,  will  be  one  of 
the  features  of  the  Coronation  fes- 
tivities, which  will  be  attended  by 
Mr.  HARRY  DE  WINDT,  Mr.  WILLIAM 
LE  QUEUX,  QUEEN  LILIUOKALAM, 
and  her  fiance,  PRINCE  ARIPAI  of 
Tahiti.  The  Prince  is  a  man  of  fine 
presence,  weighing  over  twenty-one 
stone,  and,  to  quote  his  own  pic- 
turesque phrase,  stands  6  ft.  4  in. 
'  in  his  stocking  vamps." 

Consternation  and  regret  have  been 
sxcited  amongst  the  choir,  sidesmen 
and  vergers  of  St.  Mary  Abbots 
"hurch,  Kensington,  by  the  an- 
nouncement that  Mr.  HENRY  BIRD, 
ihe  popular  organist  and  accom- 
panist, is  about  to  embrace  the 
arduous  career  of  a  professional 
wrestler,  and  has  issued  a  challenge 
;o  HACKENSCHMIDT  to  meet  him  on 
,he  stage  of  the  Alhambra.  The  con- 
.est  will  take  place  in  the  Mixo- 
Nydian  mode ;  and  Mr.  BIRD  has,  we 
understand,  adopted  the  formidable 
nom  dc  guerre  of  "  The  Terrible 
Transposer." 

MISCHA     ELMAN,     the     wonderful 
>oy  violinist,  whose  electrifying  per- 


DOINQ   VENICE. 

Fair  American  (hearing  musicians  tinging  airs  from  "II  Trotalore").    "Sil!     THESI 
ITALIANS  AIN'T  VURRY  ORIGINAL.     GUESS  I  'vc  HEARD  THAT  TUNE  ON  oun  STREET  ORGANS  is  NEW 

YORK   EVER  SINCE   I   WAS  A  OURL." 


formances  have  paralysed  all  the 
Crowned  Heads  of  Europe,  realis- 
ing that  his  continuance  in  the 
musical  profession  might  seriously 
impair  the  dynastic  solidarity  of  the 
reigning  houses,  has  resolved,  for  a 
while  at  least,  to  quit  the  concert 
platform  for  the  sphere  of  social  re- 
form. He  is,  we  are  informed,  en- 
gaged at  the  moment  in  drafting  a 
scheme  of  old-age  pensions  for  the 
special  benefit  of  infant  prodigies, 
under  which,  on  reaching  the  age  of 
nineteen,  they  will  be  entitled  to  a 
salary  of  £200  a  week,  with  floral 
decorations. 

A  verj.  beautiful  poem  recently  ap- 
peared in  the  Westminster  Gazette, 
which  began  with  the  following 
memorable  stanza:  — 


STBIXO  Music. 
The  violins  are  spirits 

That  wail  and  shriek  and  whistle ; 
Last  night  I  heard  them  pliiin, 

Till  my  hair  began  to  bristle. 

It  is  interesting  to  learn  that  this 
peculiar  quality  of  sound  is  not  con- 
fined to  stringed  instruments.  A 
negro  clergyman  of  Richmond,  Va., 
the  Rev.  JAMES  EARLY,  has,  so  we 
read  in  The  Daily  Telegraph,  been 
granted  a  patent  >  for  a  whistling 
piano  of  his  own  invention,  which  is 
capable  of  whistling  the  most  diffi- 
cult notes.  The  disappearance  of  the 
belle  siffleuse  from  our  concert  plat- 
forms must  be  regretfully  looked 
forward  to  as  the  inevitable  conse- 
quence of  the  Rev.  JAMES  EARLY'S 
eooch-making  invention. 


ist 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11,  1907. 


AIRS    OF    AN    EXILE. 

Acuoss  THK  PLAINS. 

Tun  lei 

The  anxious  coon  !  v?  dusky  maids, 

And  lifts  a  iniUl  and  n.  :  •  lling  shindy 

In  praise  of  bis  incomparable  I.INHY  : 

Through  "  waU-nnillion  "  patch-  with  blossom, 

.rtful  aiui  pr-  ;  ossum, 

Where  Hrrr  l-\  i  hunt.-.!  nnd  Hr,  -r  /.;:    i(  thieved 

'); — 

.vard  the  big  train  run  arc  whirled 

-oincthir  the  hi^hi  -t  in  tin-  world; 

Through  arid  pluii.  nought  but  prickly  cactus 

Adorns  the  N  :  <•  dust  and  thirst  distruct  us, 

Wringing  from  every  traveller  on  the  road  a 
Repeated  cry  for  bottled  beer  and  soda ; 
Through  rocky  canons  swept  by  sandy  blizzards, 
Haunt  of  tarantulas  and  spiny  lizards ; 
Past  rugged  mountains  rising  range  on  range, 
Treeless,  repfllent,  scarred  and  brown  and  strange; 
Through  lawless  mining  camps  where  No-thumb  Jacks 
Drop  the  astonished  greenhorn  in  his  tracks, 
Where  />'«/  l>«g  1'ccls,  renowned  in  Western  story, 
Perpetrate  deeds  incomparably  gory ; — 
Onward,  a  trifle  warm  but  buoyed  with  hope, 
We  speed  toward  the  great  Pacific  Slope. 

I  hold  him  an  invertebrate  who  'd  cavil 
Against  the  inconveniences  of  travel ; 
For  whom  the  face  of  Earth's  receding  floor, 
The  engine's  space-obliterating  roar, 
The  teeming  cities  and  the  hamlets  rude, 
.The  dusky  waiter's  tardy  calls  to  food, 
Are  but  the  irksome  details  of  a  whole 
That  has  no  charm  for  his  material  soul. 
Not  so  your  true  philosopher,  whose  ken 
Acclaims  the  sights  that  bore  his  fellow  men. 
He  grumbles  not,  nor  when  the  surcharged  rack 
Vomits  a  bulging  bandbox  down  his  back, 
Nor  when  the  offspring  of  a  fellow  fare 
la  torn  objecting  from  his  outraged  huir. 
He  wears  a  smile  of  undistracted  calm  as 
He  hunts  for  passports  clad  in  his  pyjamas; 
And  wrathful  gendarmes  hurry  him  to  prison, 
On  lonely  frontiers  ere  the  sun  has  risen. 

"  On  lonely  frontiers."     Lo!  the  word  conveys 

What  dreams  of  youth's  exhilarating  days ! 

What  strenuous  might  of  storm-insulting  prows, 

Of  South-Sea  zephyrs  borne  through  scented  boughs ; 

Of  hunting  trails  amid  the  northern  snows, 

Or  win-re  hot-foot  the  Masai  huntsman  goes; 

of  temples,  cilieB,  gods  and  men  and  things. 

And  dust  of  time  that  round  about  them  clings. 

But  hark  I  a  clang  of  bells,  a  hiss  of  steam 
Breaks  rudely  on  my  after-dinner  dream ; 
I  look,  and  lol  the  desert's  dusty  face, 
Cactus  and  scrub,  have  swiftly  given  place 
To  orange  groves  and  trees  and  wooden  houses, 
And  lawns  whereon  the  pensive  chicken  browses. 
Lane  turns  to  road,  and  road  to  busy  st: 
And  ample  plaza  ll.  ith  hurrying  ' 

Tall  buildings  frown  and  trolley  cars  boo: 
Behold!  we  've  reached  Los  Angeles  at  last! 
The  train  slows  down ;  I  drop  a  hasty  tear 
Upon  the  dead  past's  consecrated  1 
Then,  with  a  bloo-i  •  a  for  scents, 

Go  forth  in  search  of  "  rooms  for  single  gents." 

ALGOL. 


J.    H.    S. 

A   CUAKALIKR    t5K! 

J.  11.  S.  I'.:  five  or  bix  years  ago, 

and  :  with  us  e\er  since.       Nor  has  lie 

had  an  B  No  Deed  I                          .       >.     lie  is 

fur  t<>o  cauti.  ;.-.  li     runs  no  risks.     1  doubt  if  an; 

•    : 

!:ir  in  his  IIM  ..ways  know    W!IM  for 

him  :   1  know  that  when  the  other  i 

v.  ill  hi'  just  wlnTf  In-  tilwav- 

1U-  h:i.>  I. nt  an  impressionable 

young   writer,    i;   r  ii '  to   using   th- 

easily  passing  under  their  domim 

how,  a  few  years  ago,  all  th--  immature  stylists  w.  re  in 
the  grip  of  the  I  '  n  " '/ 

Well,  J.  II.  S.  is  like  that.  rd  suffices  for  him  (it 

a  time.     I  remember  one  had  but 

adjective  vything — "  Fair."      He  kept   mi  s:i\ing 

"  Fair,"  just  a^  Timin  i^ 

But  ho  rarely  says  it  now. 

Silent  as  J.  11.  S.  is,  the  house  would  not  [>• 
without  him.     Ho  belongs  to  it;  and  : 
vant  more  faithful  or  unobtrusive.       Also  he  wants  no 
holidays;  he  has  :  .ed  for  a  minute  off.     During 

the  past  summer  he  h .-.-  ; 

but  it  has  been  a  trying  time  for  all  of  us.       Once  or 
twice,  indeed,  I  almost  lost  patience  with  the  poor  fe!! 
but  I  reminded  myself  in  time  that  he  was  doing  all  he 
could ;  and  I  am  sure  he  was  often  as  sorry  about  it  as  we 
could  be. 

You  see,  one  of  his  special  duties  has  been  to  arrange 
our  little  excursions  und  pienies,  and  this  year  such 
pleasant  plans  have  so  frequently  had  to  fall  through 
that  it  has  discouraged  him.  I  I  <>nee  by 

the  expression  of  his  face  that  J.  H.  S.  could  not  manage 
it.  By  next  summer,  however,  1  hope  it  will  be  all  well 
with  him  again. 

His  only  fault,  indeed,  is  this  tendency  to  depression. 
Sometimes  I  can  rouse  him  by  a  sharp  tap  on  his  ei 
but  often  and  often,   particularly  <-f  late,   nothing  has 
done  him  any  good,  and  his  spirits  have  sunk  and  sunk. 
His  is  a  hard  case:  it  would  be  ridiculous  to  try  <>n  him 
any  of  the  patent   medicines   for  melancholy    that 
advertised  in  the  papers;  one  must  simply  wait  for  him 
to  rouse  himself.     But  when  he  does  rouse  himM  If  and 
cheers  up,  he  compensates  for  his  bad  mood  i  ling 

cheerfulness  throughout  the  house.     When  J.  11.  S. 
so  to  speak,  at  the  top  of  his  form,  • 

The  odd  thing  about  J.  II.  S.  is  that,  althou 
as   I   say,   be   plunged  in   low   spirits   for  quite   a   : 
period,   there  are   times  when   his   mood  ehan 
grave   to  gay   almost  continually,    when   he   can    all 
natively  be  one's  best  friend  and  one's  worst.    Capricious 
as  a  pretty  woman,  he  can  be  both  in  the  sai 
Yet  with  all  these  changes  of  mood  he  is  hon.  >!  ;  In-  : 
be  mistaken,  but  ho  never  lies;  and  when  li- 
lt is  not  his  own  fault.       And  he  neu-r  deceives.       His 
expression  is  an  infallible,  index  to  his  feeling.       I  look 
in   his   fine   open   countenance   and    in  .irn    his 

moods:  he  cannot  conceal  them  from  n  first 

thing  I  do  when  1  come  into  the  breakf.i.-t -room  1 
glance  at  J.  II.  S.,  and  his  candid  face  t,-lls  me  in- 
stantly the  worst  or  the  best.  I  then  know  wh:.' 

•t,  and  am  happy  or  unhappy  accordingly,  such  is 
his  influence,   such   is  the  dominative  .    of   his 

personal!' 

J.  H.  S.  i-  l.y  no  means  unique.  M«.-t  people  have 
Buch  a  companion,  although  they  enil  him  naturally  by 


SEPTEMBER  11,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


Tommy.  "MA,  BIBT  is  KAUCHTT.    HE  CBIED  BECAUSE  I  WOULDN'T  GIVE  HIM  AST  or  MI  CAKE." 

Mamma.  "  Is  ms  OWN  CAKE  FINISHED  ?  " 

Tommy.  "  YES,  UU ;  AND  HE  CRIED  WHILE  I  WAS  EATING  THAT  TOO  ! " 


a  different  name.  They  could  all  of  them  give  him 
probably  just  as  good  a  character  as  I  can.  I  know  his 
exact  counterpart  in  several  families  near  me  here,  and 
curiously  enough  he  has  behaved  with  them  during  the 
past  few  months  exactly  as  J.  H.  S.  has  behaved  with  us 
— often  depressed  and  downcast  steadily  day  and  night 
for  weeks  together.  On  these  occasions  he  seems  to  be 
longing  for  a  change,  but  cannot  bring  himself  to  try  it. 
How  we  all  wish  he  could ! 

J.    H.    S.,    I   may   remark,    and   you    have   probably 
guessed,  is  our  barometer. 


OUR  OFFICE  BOY. 

His  writing  was  unutterably  bad  ; 

His  genius  for  that  accomplishment 

Resembled  in  its  limited  extent 
His  total  inability  to  add. 
Like  WORDSWORTH'S  maiden  he  was  "  wildly  clad  : 

His  little  trousers,  in  their  slow  descent 

From  sire  to  son,  had  been  so  often  rent, 
As  to  obscure  what  shape  they  ever  had. 

Few  were  the  useful  arts  he  could  employ, 
And  dim  the  lustre  of  his  learning's  lamp; 

He  might  have  been  his  parents'  pride  and  joy, 
If  Fate  had  not  ordained  that  he  should  damp 

For  them — the  hopes  they  cherished  of  the  boy ; 
For  us — the  adhesive  penny  postage  stamp. 


0  TEMPORA  .  .  . 

[While  the  Trades  Uuionist  speakers  at  Bath  are  accusing  Mr.  BURNS 
of  treachery,  the  journals  of  all  political  parties  nrc  agreed  in  their 
praises  of  the  way  he  has  performed  his  duties  as  a  Cabinet  Minister.] 

BURNS  has  forsaken  his  former  creed, 
BURNS  is  a  statesman, — that  's  agreed, 
BURNS  doesn't  knock  all  opinions  flat, 
BURNS  takes  a  very  much  smaller  hat, 
BURNS  doesn't  bellow  and  tear  his  hair, 
BURNS  has  forgotten  Trafalgar  Square. 

BURNS  isn't  anxious  for  strikes  (not  quite), 
BURNS  doesn't  advocate  might  v.  right, 
BURNS  can't  remember  those  Hyde  Park  scenes, 
BURNS  doesn't  know  what  sedition  means, 
BURNS  has  a  swell  Court  suit  to  wear, 
BURNS  has  forgotten  Trafalgar  Square. 

BURNS  doesn't  worry,  and  fret,  and  fuss, 
BURNS  does  his  work  like  the  best  of  us, 
BURNS  takes  a  very  much  broader  view, 
BURNS  can  quote  from  the  Classics,  too, 
BURNS  hits  hard,  but  he  's  hitting  fair, 
BURNS  has  forgotten  Trafalgar  Square. 

BURNS  doesn't  thump  on  a  tub  to-day, 
BURNS  is  a  courtier  (in  his  way), 
BURNS  is  also  judicial,  for 
BURNS  is  a  big  Privy  Councillor, 
BURNS  was  a  Socialist  once, — but  there, 
BURNS  has  forgotten  Trafalgar  Square. 


190 


PUNCH.  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CIIARIVAIII. 


n.  HOT. 


F.nthu*ta*it  Amateur  Sailor.  "LET  oo  THAT  Ji»  SHEET  !" 

"  /.aniflu'Jrr  "  (wfco  Jia«  b*«i  iefoyed  into  acttny  crtu).  "  I  'n  KOT  Toccnixo   ills  BEASTLY  THIXO  ! " 


TIIK  JOKE. 

(To  one  u-Jio  fcnoir*  how  to  take  it.) 

NOT  that  you  laugh  like  one  who  understands 

I  And  might  have  said  the  tiling  herself),  deur  MAIIIIL, 

When,  grown  too  restive  for  confining  bands, 
I  launch  some  barque  of  humour  on  the  table; — 

That  is  BELINDA'S  way,  but  not  the  best 

To  make  a  flattered  clown  inflate  his  chest. 

Others  there  are  (ComxXA  is  a  case) 

Who  rack  their  lovely  foreheads  to  a  wrinkle, 

And  probing  my  design  with  feverish  face 

Sound  after  anxious  pause  their  argent  tinkle, 

And  melt  in  graceful  gurgles  over  what 

They  take  to  be  the  meaning,  though  it 's  not. 

Then  there  is  EMILY;  of  Gothic  mould, 
To  Fancy's  caviar  a  tasteless  vandal, 

.  turniiiu'  on  IP  r  neighbour  with  a  cold 
Set  stare,  as  if  she  sought  to  hush  a  scandal, 

:  of  sudden  1 
On  heads  impaired  by  masculine  coi 


Hut  you,  my  MAIIIX.  you  appear  to  know 

\Yli.-it  arts  ignite  : 
You  (whi-re  ymir  'ft  :>i"l  !"«', 

Forgetful  of  your  f;i 

,ful  of  some  numskull  nri^hU. 
Ask  how  I  come  to  think  of  things  1: 

'  il  wonder  prompts  you  to  inquire 
The  way  it  gn-\v.  tin-  .mli, 

That  is  the  poet's  cha'  trick  to  ; 

His  humlile  heart; — 'tis  then  that  with  a  bland 

Engaging  half  the  board,  ! 

The  mechanism  of  a  master  I  nun. 


"It's  a  wise  child.  . ." 

Britisher  (to  fair  <i    ri.,Himj   /..  m/,,n).   And   so 

.  and  h:i\.-  M ••  n  thr  Tout-r  and 
Madame  TussaudV  :\tliing'.' 

Fair  A.  <  •  •  '.in:,-  I  v 

do.  r  all  about  your  "  : 

•-v  ! 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— SKPTEMBEH  11,  1907. 


BAFFLED ! 

[Tin-  new  Anglo-Russian  agreement  is  considered  to  be  another  earnest  of  peace.] 


SKIT-EMBER  11,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  193 


'       ^  -5'         ^ 


Little  Girl,  hating  deposited  email  tali/  near  Smith,  rapidly  maltet  off  to  join  her  companion*. 

Smith.  "HERE!    TAKE  IT  AWAY  AT  ONCE.    You  MUSTN'T  LEAVE  IT  HERE!" 

Little  Girl.  "I 'THOUGHT  TOO  WOULDN'T  MIND.    You  'BE  seen  A  NICE  BOFT-LOOKINO  GENTLEMAN." 


TIGER!    TIGER! 

A  MIXED  BAG  FROM  INDIA. 

[The  following  article  appears  to  have  been 
intended  for  Tlie  Field,  being  very  close  to  the 
manner  of  some  of  that  paper's  contributors, 
but  as  it  has  been  sent  to  Mr.  Punch  he  is  glad 
to  publish  it,  after  deleting  certain  passages 
which  do  not  appear  to  assist  the  point  of  the 
narrative,  whatever  that  may  be.] 

WE  had  just  sat  down  to  tiffin,  a 
meal  I  eat  five  times  a  day  in  India, 
when  a  Na\vgoboh  native  runner 
rushed  in  with  his  ears  limp  and 
bleeding  at  the  eyes,  and  told  us  that 
a  tiger  had  killed  a  Gwaliboh  man 
two  days  before  at  Bagrah.  We  at 
once  flung  down  our  spoons  and 
rushed  to  our  horses,  which  were  al- 
ready saddled  and  waiting  at  the  door, 
for  our  shikarris  had  heard  the 
runner  panting  in  the  distance. 
Events  of  this  kind  are  common  in 
India,  and  it  was  well  known  that  if 
we  lost  a  minute  we  should  not  get  a 
shot  at  the  tiger  within  a  week,  and 
should  miss  the  mail  with  our  articles 
for  the  London  weeklies.  As  we 
sprang  into  our  saddles  we  laid  our 
plans  and  gave  instructions  to  our 
shikarri,  who  said,  "  Drah  nashgat 


ill  gout  o  groboh  paugivang  islibish," 
or  something  of  the  sort  ("  Yes,  yes, 
I  understand,  but  the  corkscrew  is 
dreadfully  bent  "),  and  in  a  twinkling 
of  an  eye  we  were  galloping  away  in 
the  moonlight. 

We  were  living  in  a  bungalow 
(Army  and  Navy  Stores  Gents' 
Tropical  Sporting  Bung.  No.  37,  page 
959)  at  Wallabag,  near  Qrobbawah 
(neither  shown  on  the  map),  and  had 
long  wanted  to  get  a  shot  at  a 
man-eater,  but  unfortunately  nobody 
had  been  eaten.  I  was  on  Secret 
Service,  having  exchanged  from  the 
B.C.F.T.  into  the  F.K.L.O.P.  (first 
section)  the  year  before;  while  F. 
(Major  2nd  Batt.  L.H.A.,  Deputy 
P.Y.T.  and  F.O.P.I.K.C.)  was  enjoy- 
ing three  months'  sick  leave  as  my 
guest.  I  may  say  that  F.  had 
joined  the  service  through  the  2nd 
Batt.  of  the  1st  Herefords.  His 

father.  .  .  .  One  of  his  uncles 

while  a  brother  of  a  second  cousin 
by  marriage.  .  .  .  Added  to  which 
he  had  been  Captain  of  the  Volunteer 
Fire  Brigade  of  his  native  town,  and 
that  is  why  I  always  call  him 

Squirts."     He     takes     a     10-inch 
collar. 


As  for  myself.  .  .  .  Private  School, 
Westgate-on-Sea.  .  .  .  Coffee  plant 
ing.  .  .  .  Having  married  second 
daughter  of.  ...  Cheese  not  in  my 
line.  .  .  .  15.1-iiicli  collar. 

And  now  to  business. 

My  rille  is  an  old  favourite  that 
has  stood  my  good  friend  for  many  a 
year.  It  is,  or  was,  one  of  Buckley's 
(No.  957,  Long  Acre,  W.C.)  "47  Bore, 
Pin-Fire,  Breech  Loader;  fitted  with 
Martini  carbine  sights,  and  with  a 
watchcase  attachment  of  my  own 
devising  which  flies  up  on  the  release 
of  the  trigger,  as  I  found  that  the 
back-vent  was  ruining  my  eyesight. 

.  .  In  '97,  when  I  was  at  home  I 
decorated  the  summer-house  at 
11 Manor, shire,  with  poker- 
work,  and  found  the  gun  invalu- 
able for  this  purpose,  and  the  work 
is  much  admired.  It  is  advisa- 
ble, however,  to  make  certain  that 
a  rifle  is  not  loaded  before  heating  it. 
In  my  own  case  the  charge  left  the 
barrel  5  in.  from  the  muzzle,  with 
fatal  results.  Fortunately  it  was 
onlv  someone  staying  in  the  house, 
and  after  I  had  had  9  in.  taken  off 
;he  barrel  the  rifle  was  none  the 
worse ;  indeed,  such  is  the  excellenca 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [Sm: -DEB  11,  1907. 


of  the  gun,  it  was  in-:  y   the 

F.  uses  a  rifle  which.  .  .  .  dead 
*hot.  .  .  .  water  rats.  .  .  .  <  lulton 
Broad.  .  .  .  tJoldi-n-huir.il  girl.  .  .  . 
loud  screams.  .  .  .  near  tin:  g.  .  .  . 
great  enthusiuKm.  .  .  .  escort  to 
.  .  .  .  hot  bricks.  .  .  .  London  bar- 
maid. .  .  third-class  certificate  for 
heroism  of  the  British  Glovecleaners 


Our  arrangements  were  as  follows : 
1.  Our  horse-boys  were  to  go  out  each 
morning  in  five  relays  with  the  tiffin 
basket.  2.  The  beaters  were  to  form 
in  two  lines.  3.  The  corkscrew  wns  to 
be  wired  on  to  the  left  thumb  of  my 
third  bath-boy.  4.  The  spirit-lamp 
was  not  to  be  packed  with  the  bread. 
!).  If  the  two  lines  met  they  were  to 
wheel  by  the  left  north-west ,  the 
corkscrew  always  being  in  the  centre 
of  the  line.  6.  If  the  tiger  was 
flushed,  we  were  to  be  informed  by 
telephone.  7.  My  head  shikarri  was 
to  pay  the  beaters  two  annas  per 
diem  with  the  best  discount  for  cash 
that  he  could  obtain  by  auction  in  the 
jungle  each  night.  8.  The  tiffin  was 
not  to  be  put  out  in  the  sun.  0.  The 
corkscrew  was  not  to  be  forgotten. 

On  the  second  day  out  my  boy 
OOBWOB  overtook  us.  He  had  been 
sent  with  the  official  forms  which 
F.  relied  on  to  obtain  the  loan  of  the 
field  telephone  equipment  of  his 
corps,  without  which  we  could  do 
nothing.  While  F.  was  filling  in  the 
forms  I  questioned  the  boy,  who,  1 
need  hardly  say,  had  limp  ears  and 
was  bleeding  at  the  eyes.  It  appears 
that  he  had  run  after  us  for  nine 
hours,  and  then  found  he  had  for- 
gotten his  instructions,  and  had  gone 
back  to  get  them  renewed.  He  told 
me  that  DASIIOWAII,  my  third  bath- 
boy,  who  had  been  riveted  on  to  the 
corkscrew,  was  supposed  to  have  de- 
camped, as  one  of  the  beaters  had 
run  in  declaring  that  corks  were  being 
drawn  in  the  jungle  at  a  point  seven 
leagues  west  of  the  bungalow.  This 
news  disturbed  us  a  good  deal,  and 
we  decided  on  an  immediate  change 
of  plan.  I  told  F.  to  go  on  to  a 
rendezcout  12  hours  ahead,  while  I 
would  stay  with  the  I  joy  till  he  re- 
covered, and  then  take  him  back  at 
my  stirrup  and  arrange  for  fresh  titi'm 
to  be  sent  out  immediately.  How- 
ever, an  hour  after  F.  had  start,, 1  I 
found  that  he  had  carried  off  tin 
official  forms,  so  leaving  the  boy  I  set 
out  in  pursuit. 

I  cantered  on  for  more  than  tw< 
hours  without  seeing  any  signs  of 
him,  »nd  then  retraced  my 
About  three  miles  from  the  place 
where  I  had  left  the  boy  I  caught  the 
scent  of  F.'s  cigar,  and  found  him 


under  a  deodar  a  little  \\ 

;  | 

and   to  my   astonishm.  lit   told   r 

It   appears   that   he 
sent  the  l.oy  hack   to  in,',  not    , 
ing,  of  course,  that  I  was  going  in  an 
!••  dir. -ction.      1  dc-cidrd  n' 
irn   t<i  the  bungalow  and   start 
nit  next  morning  to  join  him.        F. 
said  he  would  stay  win  r--  In-  v. as  for 
the  present,  and  asked  for  my  i 
cose,   as  ho  was  afraid    of    running 
shnrt. 

When  I  got  back  to  the  bungalow 
I  found  the  corkscrew  gone  and  not  a 
soul  about  ihe  native  runner, 

who  was  cooking  rice  in  the  com- 
pound. I  spoke  to  the  fellow,  and 
sooij  learnt  that  it  was  a  Bagrah  man 
who  had  been  killed  at  Gwaliboh,  and 
not  a  Gwaliboh  man  at  Bagrah,  as  I 
liad  understood.  It  was  too  late  now' 
to  cancel  my  arrangements,  so  I 
could  only  wait  for  some  of  my 
people  to  turn  up.  The  next  morn- 
ing the  Field  Telephone  arrived  with 
our  friend  S.  in  charge,  who  had 
come  up  without  waiting  for  the 
official  forms.  S.  is  a  keen  sports- 
man. .  .  .  His  rifle.  .  .  His  boots. 

.  .  His  watch.  .  .  P.  &  O.  boat.  .  . 
affable  stranger.  .  .  wager.  .  . 
Promptly  swallowed  it  nineteen 
times.  .  .  "  ZEXDO  "  the  Champion 
Watch-Swallower. 

Seven  years  later  I  was  paddling  at 
Broadstairs  with  my  third  child  after 
mumps  and  something  we  couldn't 
tell  what,  when  a  shrimper  splashed 
up  to  me  and  clapped  me  on  the 
shoulder.  It  was  F.  "  I  found  that 
corkscrew  in  the  lining  of  my  coat 
yesterday,"  he  cried.  This  referred 
to  the  fact  that  after  he  returned  to 
the  bungalow  the  corkscrew  was 
missing,  and  F.  declared  he  handed 
it  to  me  before  I  left  him  in  the 
jungle,  which,  of  course,  I  denied. 


FINAL  CRICKET  NOTES. 

RETIREMENT  OF  "  LINESMAN." 

BLOW  TO  SPORTING  WORLD. 

I'.nT.XTIALITIES  OF  THE  SITUATION. 

FOR  some   weeks   past  there   has 
a  persistent  rumour  in  the  City 
to  the  effect  that  "  Linesman,"  the 
celebrated   authority  on  cricket,   was 
aliout  to  retire  from  active  participa 
'  ion  in  the  game.    No  reasons  in -re  ad 
vanced   for  th.  n   the 

•i,  but  the 

current   gossip  of  club   and   countrv- 

,1    clear    that    after    tin 

mi. Idle    of     September    lit     latest     the 

of    cricket    would    search     his 

Dally  Mail  in  vain  for  an  article  by 

this  expert.     We  are  now  unhappily 

in  a  position  to  confirm  the  rumour, 


_-ll     lie     h:ixc     II..: 

official  information  as  to  t) 
which  have  led  to  this  retirement. 
\\ ',.  h.-iie,  indeed,  heard  it  stated 
that  "  Line-man  "  was  about  to 
enter  tln>  Church,  but  ne  are  inclined 
nouncement  with 

suspicion.      A  far  more  likely  story  is 
that   which   hints   that   he 
elevate,!   to  n   Limerick  judgi-ship,  a 
post    for    which    bis   ] 
trush  :  ri    for    the 

right  word  eminently  tit  him. 

AN    Arruu  IATION. 
(Bv  A.  A.  M.) 

The   rise  of   "  LINI.SMAN  "    to   the 
uni.pie    position    from    which     I 
retire     has    been    (in; 
dented   in   its  rapidity.       I'ntil   al«>ul 
five   y  '        n    hardlx 

any  part  in  the  natioi  .       It 

•i  the  June  of   I'.'.l  l.'i  that   he  llind> 

his     first     appearance     in     first 
cricket.       Although     naturally     in-r 
vous — it  was  an  important  match  at 
the   Oval    which    had    a   considerable 
bearing    on    the    championship  —  h« 
made  a  sensational  drl<ul.   referrinj. 
no  less  than  five  times  in  his  nrticl. 
to  the  "  potentialities  "  of  the  Surre; 
eleven.       W.  (J.  (luxcE  had  nt  thi. 
time  practically  given  up  the  : 
and  it  was  at  once  seen  thai 
the  new  star  risen  to  take  his  • 
for    which    the    country    had 
watching.      For    the    moment,    how 
, •-.,  r,    these    li  •    entirely 

realised.     The  season  of  HHI:>  mis  at 
unusually    wet   one,    and- -if    w  • 
cept   n  reference  at  Cheltenham   t, 
(1.     L.     JBSSOI     a-s     a     "  sherry    ane 
bitters   in   the   incidental   gamut  " 
"  Linesman  "   never  quite   did   him 
self   justice    throughout   the   rest   ol 
the  summer. 

However,  in   1004  all  doubts  as  to 
the    ability    of    the    new    recruit    t, 
county  cricket  were  set  at  rest.     II • 
jumped  into  form  straightaw  ay  ;  and 
by  remarking  twice  in  one  arti 
Taunton    that    "statistics    were    the 
raw  material,"   he  joimd   the 
band  which  includes  such  plavers  as 

W.   G.   OBACB,   C.    n.    \'M.    H.xv 

WARD.      K.       L.       Ill    K  I1IM1-:.       U.       H. 

it,  ar.d  (in  public-school  cricket; 
M.   C.    HIRP.      A   bare  week   later,   at 
Brighton,    on    n    plumb    wicket,     he 
employed      the      wrd      "  comn. 
rale  "     in     tl  •  para- 

I,  and  |,;it   for  a  misprint  would 

had    it    in    a    fourth    ' 
,     •       •     which     ha-     sine, 
done     by     TltoiT.      All     through     the 
summer    he    maintained    this    extra- 
ordinary   form,    and    by    ti 
Align-:      :  piled      the      r 

;       ntialities  " 

nglc  season's  cricket. 


SEFI-EMBEB  11,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    PAGEANTS. 

THE   GREEBA    CASTLE   PAGEANT  (1st*  or  lit*). 


. 


EPISODE  I.— 77i«  Stone  Age. 

The  Great  Ilaulcanosaur  (or  Greebatherium)  appears  on  the 
scene,  heralded  by  the  rolling  of  many  logs.  The  population 
was  as  yet  uiiused  to  his  little  ways. 


EPISODE  II.— Slight  Indirposit'um  of  the  Great  Author. 

In  view  of  the  universal  concern  in  the  slightest  ailment  of  the  Great 
Caiue,  he  makes  every  provision,  at  some  cost  to  himself,  for  the 
alleviation  of  the  public  anxiety.  He  feels  that  were  he  unwell, 
"  in  camera,"  so  to  speak,  the  strain  on  Consols  would  be  too  great 
altogether,  so  has  his  bed  removed  to  the  Castle  grounds. 


l-r 

v     •     '    -j  --. 


PRESS  ENTRANCES 

GRttBA  CASHE 


EPISODE  III. — Arrival  of  New  and  Powerful  SearMight  at 
Greeba  Castle. 

The  Mighty  Brows  will  be  illuminated  every  evening  from  8  o'clock 
till  10  (a  marked  improvement  on  the  wreath  of  fairy  lamps  as  used 
hitherto).  It  is  expected  that  with  the  aid  of  this  powerful  light  the 
Lines  of  Thought  will  now  be  easily  visible  at  a  distance  of  ten  miles. 


EPISODE  IV.— Escaping  from  Olserratlon  (pursued  by  a  Corps  of 
Mounted  Snaptltooters). 

In  order  to  elude  the  public  eye  when  taking  exercise 
Mr.  Hall  Caine  adopts  a  quiet,  unobtrusive  turn-out,  including 
a  Manx  pony,  whose  shaggy  coat  affords  a  certain  amount  of 
welcome  cover. 


196 


PUNCH,   OR  T11K    LONDON    CH  Alii  YAK!. 


••I'.IH  11 


I.-THE    VILLAGE.     OLD    STYLE. 


The  year  1005  will  be  remembered 
for  the  visit  of  the  Australians;  and 
luckily  for  England  it  found  "  Lines- 
man "  once  more  at  the  top  of  hia 
form.  Four  times  in  one  week  he 
dismissed  the  Australians  con- 
temptuously as  a  second-class  team, 
while  later  on  at  Ixml's  he  treated  the 
Selection  Committee  with  merciless 
severity.  The  completion  of  his 
thousand  "  potentialities  "  before 
May  was  out,  equalling,  as  it  did, 
GRACE'S  record,  was  but  an  incident 
in  the  season's  play. 

But  there  is  no  need  to  follow  the 
wonderful  career  of  this  unique 
cricketer  in  detail  throughout  the 
rest  of  that  summer  and  the  sum- 
mers which  have  followed.  It  is 
sufficient  to  say  that  he  has  broken 
practically  every  record  known  to 
Wisden,  that  his  8,000  "  potentiali- 
ties "  and  his  800  "  materialises  " 
may  now  be  expected  every  season 
rtainly  as  the  swallow,  and  that 
withal  he  bears  his  honours  as 
modestly  as  a  man  may  do.  In  his 
new  sphere  of  influence  as  Judge  of 
Limericks  he  will  find  con-.1' 
ready  to  his  hand,  and  his  many 
friends  can  have  no  doubts  but  tli:it 
he  will  discharge  his  duties  faithfully 
and  conscientiously;  and,  moreover, 
that  he  will  hring  to  his  task  just 
that  touch  of  poetry  and  romance 
which  seems  to  have  eluded  his  col- 
leagues on  the  bench.  To  an  honour- 
able post  "  Linesman  "  will  add  new- 
honour. 


Some  Records  held  by  "  LINESMAN." 

He  is  the  only  cricketer  who  has  said 
of  a  match  that  it  was  "  destined 
to  produce  the  abortive  industry 
of  the  cleverer  side." 

In  1900,  on  a  wet  wicket  at  Ton- 
bridge,  he  put  together  in  less  than 
an  hour  a  team  of  "  B's  "  which 
has  never  yet  been  beaten.  . 

In  1907,  at  the  close  of  a  long  and 
tiring  season,  he  called  BAKER,  a 
young  professional  who  plays  for 
the  Surrey  Second  XL,  the  "  pro- 
totype "  of  HAYWAUD. 

Last  April,  before  there  had  been  any 
first-class  cricket,  he  went  straight 
from  the  office-stool  on  to  the 
ground  and  selected  the  M.C.C. 
team  to  leave  for  Australia  in  Sept- 
ember. 

It.-  run  C.  H.  FRY  down  brilliantly 
for  daring  •  against  th.> 

South  Africans,  ami  then  dis- 
missed a  Test  Match  ci'iitnrv  l.v 
that  player  in  five  lin.  •;,  four  of 
tlinn  li.-ing  unproductive. 


The  Journalistic  Touch. 

"  WHILE    the    work    of    knocking 
away  the  blocks   | 

•1  that  the  ship  lively 

Micnt,  and  the  delicate 
.merits  i. 

I    the   fact   that   th.-    lm;;e   hulk 
had     moved     an      inch."  —   . 
Chronicle. 


LITERARY  NOTE. 

It  is  understood  that  Miss  MARII 
CORKI.U'S  opinions  on  the    i 
Wife's     Si*ter     15111     will    he    mad» 
known   to  the   universe   in    her 
book,  which  will  be  entitled  The  Mar- 
riage of  Deccsia. 


OUR  newspapers  are  often  accused 
of  manufacturing  sensational   n 
in  order  to  fill  up  their  columns  in 
the  dull  season.     We  should  !•• 
to  think  such  a  thing  of  u  r. -sp. viable 
paper  like  the  Xtrr,illinm  .\Yicn,  but 
the  following  paragraph  is  bound  to 
give  rise  to  suspicion  :  — 

"  LOCAL  NK 

"Mr.   C.   T.    C.,   of  •!,    has    baa 

successful  in  one  of  the  numerous   1. 
competitions." 

"Mr.    HuManr,  '  •  liiry    l,,r    I. 

in    acting   the    part    <  f    .:, 
inadvrr!'    'ly    !•  I  daylight   into   t' 

Til:  ;     -11    Tin'    I'Lri  tliam 

nnd   CriniijiKijll   (nmnli'in   <u  ,1   \,.r//i 

.    \\.-  don't 
wonder. 

I  I    is   tin  IJI   a    :  M    (lie 

. 

in  naval  mat!  -  Imws  that   tlio 

spirit   which    \  'i    men   as 

I)K\KK  nnd   N  -   still    a   living 

•  ry.        "  The  main 
annani'-nt    of    the    Ti'iiii'rnirr, "          * 

,S'/'/irrr,     "  will    consist    <•' 
1'2-inch  guns  of  -1T>  calibre." 


SEPTEMBER  11,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  TUB  LONDON"  CHARIVARI. 


197 


II.-THE    VILLAGE.     NEW    STYLE. 


CHARIVARIA. 

BRITISH  shipbuilders  are  experi- 
encing quite  a  boom  in  contracts  for 
warships,  even  though  the  Peace 

Conference  is  not  yet  at  an  end. 

*  * 

The  meeting-place  of  the  Trade 
Union  Congress  is  spoken  of  as  a 
novelty.  We  had  always  hoped  that 
the  combination  of  British  Workman 
and  Bath  was  an  every-day  affair. 

The  Committee  of  Architects  ap- 
pointed to  enquire  into  the  question 
of  the  safety  of  St.  Paul's  Cathedral 
reports  :  ' '  We  are  strongly  of  opinion 
that  the  sensitive  condition  of  the 
structure  makes  it  necessary  that  the 
church  should  be  kept  under  constant 
observation."  We  respectfully  ques- 
tion the  wisdom  of  this.  Anything 
more  disturbing  to  a  sensitive  cathe- 
dral than  to  be  continually  watched 

is  difficult  to  imagine. 

*  * 

If  the  scheme  for,  the  adornment  of 
the  Palace  of  Westminster  be  pro- 
ceeded with  as  recommended  there 
will  be  placed  in  St.  Stephen's  porch 
a  statue  of  MARLBOROUGH,  who  has 
now  become  famous  as  being  one 
of  the  ancestors  of  Mr.  WINSTON 

CHURCHILL. 

*  * 

The  British  Deaf  Times  suggests 
that  the  postal  service  is  a  field 
where  deaf-mutes  might  be  em- 
ployed. But  surely  a  good  few  have 
already  obtained  situations  in  the 
Post  Office  Telephone  Department? 


"  If  we  were  all  vegetarians,"  says 
Dr.  ROBERT  BELL,  "  we  would  all 
live  to  be  over  a  hundred  years  old." 
We  believe,  however,  that  there  is 
also  much  to  be  said  in  favour  of 
vegetarianism. 

*  * 

The  Limerick  craze  shows  no  signs 
of  dying  out,  and  a  determined  at- 
tempt, we  hear,  is  being  made  to  per- 
suade a  very  distinguished  poet  to 
take  part  in  some  of  the  competi- 
tions, as  everyone  is  anxious  to  read 

his  last  lines. 

*  * 

An  Irishman  named  PERRY,  we  tre 
informed  by  an  American  newspaper, 
has  obtained  a  licence  to  marry  an 
Indian  girl  named  QUEEN-OF-THE- 
EARTH.  His  future  mother-in-law's 
name  is  LIVE-FOR-EVER — but  Irish- 
men have  always  been  noted  for  their 
pluck. 

V 

The  whale  which,  after  being  har- 
pooned, turned  and  wrecked  the  Nor- 
wegian vessel  Dimon,  off  Faroe,  has 
been  found  dead.  It  is  said,  how- 
ever, to  have  died  with  a  smile  on  its 
face. 

V 

We  are  glad  to  learn  from  a  list 
published  by  the  Patent  Office  that 
Arylthioglycollicorthocarboxylic  Acid 
has  at  last  been  invented.  A  really 
reliable  test  of  sobriety  has  long  been 
wanted. 

V 

The  Holborn  Borough  Council  has 


posted  notices  throughout  the  district 
calling  attention  to  the  now  L.C.C. 
by-law,  which  makes  it  punishable  by 
a  fine  of  forty  shillings  to  throw 
waste-paper  on  the  pavement. 
Readers  of  one  or  two  of  our  daily 
papers  should  bo  careful,  therefore, 
not  to  let  them  drop  by  accident. 

* 

A  capital  new  costume  for  pedes- 
trians has  been  invented  by  a  notori- 
ous opponent  of  motor-cars.  Little 
bits  of  glass  project  from  every  part 
of  the  costume,  and  the  pedestrian, 
as  he  is  run  over,  causes  the  tyres  of 

the  car  to  burst. 

*  * 

In  Germany  regulations  have  been 
issued  relating  to  the  nature  of  auto- 
mobile horns,  with  a  view  to  prevent 
ing  the  use  of  those  which  are  inhar- 
monious. The  authorities  are  doing 
good  work  here,  and  with  a  little 
more  encouragement  of  this  sort  we 
shall  no  doubt  soon  have  a  car  which 
will  play  automatically  as  it  goes 
along  some  such  melody  as  The 

Turkish  Petrol. 

*  * 
* 

Something  like  a  panic  has  been 
caused  by  the  prognostication  of  a 
weather  prophet  that  wo  are  to  have 
another  winter  in  the  winter. 

*  * 

The  Central  London  Railway  ad- 
vertises, "  The  Central  London  Rail- 
way saves  everyone  time."  A  foolish 
correspondent  writes  to  ask  whether 
this  includes  those  persons  who  do 
not  use  the  line. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Sum:  JIBES  11,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  I'uiifh'i  Stuff  o/  /x-.mu-J  f  '1,-rkt.) 
IT  is  M\^  u's  d-.-arest  joy  to  triuni|i!i  ovi-r  un- 

promising material.     In  her  great  work,  Tin-  /»i>r 
the  hero  started   t-\    being  impossible ;   but   by   !• 
stages  she  compelled  us  lirst  to  tolerate,  tl 
then  admire,  and  ultimately  to  love  him.     lint  with  the 
over-righteous  heroine  of  her  new  novel,  Tin-  Hi-l]>miitc 

(CONSTABLE),   those   lust   frW    i -haptero    ill    which    she    gets 

herself  humanised  make  poor  amend*  f»r  -tiH)  pages  of 
the  worst  spiritual  egoism;  just  as  In -r  brief  purgatory 
is  a  too  light  penalty  :'•  r  the  long  years  in  which  hli<> 
made  havoc  of  her  husband's  life.  I  don't  think  Miss 
MR  has  any  idea  what  an  exasperating  woman  it  is. 
It  really  wanted  a  sound  spanking  six  days  a  week  ami 
twice  on  Sundays ;  but  the 
author,  who  seems  almost 
prejudicially  attached  to 
her  Anne,  never  ROCS  be- 
yond an  admonishing  pat, 
and  even  so  will  keep  on 
stroking  her  with  the  other 
hand ;  and  when  the  male 
reader's  protests  are  like 
to  grow  too  loud  the 
author  has  a  comfortable 
habit  of  withdrawing  the 
lady  into  the  sanctuary  of 
an  unearthly  exaltation, 
and  putting  up  a  notice, 
"  Procul  ette  pro/am." 
Yet,  for  all  this,  she  ap- 
preciates, and  sympathises 
with,  the  man's  point  of 
view;  and  I  can  recall  no 
woman-writer  in  whose 
work  you  will  find  clearer 
intuition  or  cleaner  utter- 
ance on  the  subject  of  the 
inherent  difference  between 
the  two  sexes  in  their 
physical  relation  to  one 
another. 

In  The  Helpmate  the 
author's  fine  gifts  of 
imagination  and  humour  do 
not  enjoy  the  same  scope 
as  in  The  Divine  Fire, 
and,  constructively,  I  think 
that  the  book  is  wanting 
in  selection.  Miss  SINCLAIR  is  inclined  to  dwell 
perhaps  rather  too  meticulously  over  details  that 
do  not  differ  greatly  from  day  to  day.  The  society  of 
her  provincial  town  is  a  little  dull,  and  the  constant  re- 
currence of  .In  IK-  to  her  communion  with  the  abstract 
world  is  dwelt  on  with  a  rather  too  tedious  insistence. 
But  the  author's  style  retains  its  high  excellence:  and 
she  still  knows  how  to  find  the  right  word,  though  she 
is  too  fond  of  the  epithet  "  indestructible,"  and  should 
never  have  put  into  the  mouths  of  Englishmen  the  vile 
Americanism  "See  hrrr."  But  no  criticism  of  trifles 
can  leave  in  doubt  the  great  distinction  of  her  craftsman- 
ship. Very  certainly  she  must  have  mad.'  hir  reputa- 
tion by  this  book,  if  it  had  not  been  already  won. 

In  these  days  of  suburban  golf,  a  man  who  aspires  to 
write  about  The  Spirit  nf  the  Links  (MKTHI-KN)  must  be 
prepared  to  face  a  stiff  examination  before  his  book  can 
be  passed  as  wholesome  literature  for  the  young.  The 


-s  to  tin-  following  sj  -ioiis  r.  present 

..f   Mr.    Ill  SHY    I. I:MII.        (,'.  sound 

.   nt  of  the  game  seems 

.  •  r  this  hallow  Walking  in  St.  Andrews, 

•lie   golf   as   i  (,'.   What 

ir  opinions  on  (i.)  Young  l-'iu:i>i>\,   (ii.)  Old  TOM, 

(iii.)'  Colonel     I  iv.)    Movable    hi;:  .1.     (i.) 

!•'.  <;.  T.  is  the  favourite  hero  of  us  all,  and  a  | 

of  all  the  golfing  virtues,      lii.i  TOM  MOKHIS  is  one  of  the 

'ting  world:  he  remains  a  cheery  TOM 

to  the  last,  (iii.)  Here  in  St.  Andrews  it  is  almost  held  as 
a  sin  to  mention  tin-  name  of  bogey,  (iv.)  !!!  (J. 
Compare  driving,  iron-play,  and  putting;  write  a  short 
essay  on  one  of  the  three.  A.  Driving  is  an  art,  iron-play 
a  science,  and  putting  is  the  devil.  If  you  want  • 
well  you  should  do  nothing  else.  You  must  sell 

motor-car  and  jour  walk- 
ing-stick, and,  a!...'..-  all, 
your  croquet  mallet,  and 
give  lip  beating  your  dog. 
Before  plaving  an  import- 
ant match  go  to  bed  for 
twenty-four  hours  HIM 
your  wife  to  feed  you  with 
a  spoon,  and  c\en  then 
you  will  never  putt  as  well 
as  you  know  you  can. 
Examiners'  lii>]K>rt :  Mr. 
LEACH  and  his  book  are 
thoroughly  imbued  with 
the  Spirit  of  the  Links. 

In     Name     of     Garland 
Mr. 


DRAWING    THE    LONG    BOW. 

Olde*  Inhabitant.  "  Win,  LA  BLESS  'IT.,  Miss,  1  CAM   REMEMBER   TOE 

PLACE  HUES   HE  AX*   A  8EAOCLL  WCZ  THE  OKLT   PEOPLE  HEBE  !  " 


once  more   con\oyn 
the  pleased  reader  through 
the   homes  anil   intin 
of  what  are  to  many   the 
foreign  nations  that  inhabit 
North  Hackney,   Highgate, 
and   the   East  of    London. 
The   book  is  refreshii 
only  for  the  fact  that  t 
is  not  an  Earl  in  it,  nor  a 
Baronet,  nor  even  a  lowly 
Knight.       Pewons   of    the 
drama   are   all   exceedingly 
common  people,    such    aa 
shop-girls,  maids  -  of  -  all- 
work,     and     greengri 
The  highest  social  scale  is 
reached  by  the  proprietor  of  a  draper's  shop,  in  which 
establishment  we  make  the  acquaintance  of   \\  innit  .  of 
the  family  "  Name  of  Garland."     She  is  quite  del 
ful,    a   brave-hearted,    merry    hard-worker.      She    i>   in 
time  promoted  from  the  kitchen  to  a  j.l.i  •    behind  the 
counter  in  the  shop,  where  you  go  for  "1'aris  Fashi.  ; 
She  does  not  earn  much  anywhere,  but  a  considerable 
portion  is  bestowed  upon  a  worthless  father.     Only  now 
and   then    Mr.    (Inrlnnd   strays   on    the   scene.        Lightly 
touched,  ho  is  one  of  the  best  characters  in  the  don, 
drama.     Like  the  quality  of  mercy,   Mr.   1'i.ir  lin  • 
humour  is  not  strained.      It  bubbles  out  on  many  hyv. 
making  pleasant  what  is  in  the  main  I  :'  sordid, 

but  not  the  less  interesting,  life. 

A  Fact  :    The   New  Theologry  t 

Ottrlienrd  in  a  prorinrtal  book-ihop. 
Lady  (to  bookseller).  Will  you  show  me  somethii 
boy  of  six  to  read  in  church  while  the  sermon  is  going  on? 


SKIMEMBEK  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


"THE    SINS    OF    SOCIETY." 

An  attempt  tu  reliere  the.  monotony  of  dramatic 

criticism. 

[The  true  story  of  Mr.  NOEL  FERRERS,  Sir 
DORIAN  MARCH,  Lady  MAHIOM  BEAUMONT  and 
Lady  GWENDOLEN  ASHLEY  will  perhaps  never 
be  told.  Such  scraps  of  evidence  as  seem  to 
bear  upon  it  I  have  collected  together  here, 
»nd  I  now  offer  them  to  the  public  for  the 
first  lime.  I  cannot  suggest  that  they  are 
complete ;  it  may  even  be  that  some  of  them 
have  lid  connection  with  the  story  at  all.  I 
miTi'ly  give  the  facts.] 

I. 
[Bridge  Problem,  from  "  The  Saturday 

"  Lady  M.  leaves  it  to  her  partner 
Z.,  who  goes  no  trumps.  A.  doubles, 
Z.  redoubles,  and  A.  then  doubles 
again,  and  leads  out  the 
first  twelve  spades.  How 
should  Lady  M.  play  her 
last  card,  and  why?  " 

II. 

["Trial  in  T,i,-l,"  from  "Hearth 
ami  Home."] 

"  Lady  MARION,  who  has 
lost  all  her  money  at 
Bridge,  borrows  a  tiarti 
from  her  friend  Lady 
(ioLDBUKV  for  a  fancy-dress 
ball.  At  the  instigation 
of  a  friend,  NOEL  FERKERS, 
she  invites  a  pawnbroker 
to  her  house,  and  asks 
him  to  advance  her  £7,OOC 
on  this  tiara.  He  writes 
out  the  cheque;  but  while 
he  is  looking  for  the  seal- 
ing-wax she  exchanges  the 
box  containing  the  dia- 
monds for  a  similar  one  in 
which  Mr.  FERRERS  has 
plaeed  two  pieces  of  coal. 
Lady  M.  puts  the  money 
on  a  horse  of  Mr.  FER- 
RERS', and  loses  it  all. 
When  the  time  comes  for 
the  pawnbroker  to  open 
the  box,  how  shall  Lady 
M.  apologise?  [Note. — Coal 
steadily  going  up  in  value.]  " 

in. 

[Extract  from  a  French  Conversation  Book  of 
the  period] 

"  Who   are   all   these   people?  " 
'  They  go  to  watch  the  horserace  at 
Longchamps." 

'  What  is  this,   then,  that  this  is 
on?        "The  Grand  Prix." 

"Who    is    it    that    will    win?" — 
'  The  horse  of  MILOR  FERRERS." 
"  Ah,    they  run,   they  run. 


IV. 


[Extract  from  "  The  Ilerks  and  liuckt  County 
" 


"The  pretty  little  riverside  resi- 
dence of  Mr.  MORRIS,  the  well-known 
financier,  \\as  the  scene  of  a  daring 
burglary  last  night.  The  first  inti- 
mation of  the  affair  received  by  the 
local  force  was  the  sound  of  a  police 
whistle  energetically  blown  by  Mi. 
BATES,  butler  at  Mr.  MORRIS'S  estab- 
lishment, and  who  is  known  through- 
out the  neighbourhood  as  the  pos- 
sessor of  an  excellent  tenor  voice. 
The  local  constabulary  were  soon 
upon  the  scene  of  the  crime,  and  it 
then  transpired  that  Mr.  MORRIS 
had  been  robbed  of  a  box  containing 


s 


See 


the     horse     of     MILOR    FERRERS  —  it 
leads—  No  !—  Yes  !—  No  !  " 

"  It  is  the  jockey  who  pulled  him 
(Tech.)  " 

See     the     English     lady.       She 
weeps." 

"  A  thousand  thunders  1  " 


A  QUIET  SUNDAY  ON  THE  RIVER. 
As  seen  at  Drury  Lane. 

valuable  securities,  while  he  himself 
had  been  so  heavily  drugged  that  his 
life  is  despaired  of.  Suspicion  im- 
mediately fell  upon  BATES,  and  with 
commendable  promptitude  he  was 
placed  under  arrest.  Meanwhile  the 
police  are  searching  for  a  clue. 

"  Later. — A  warrant  is  out  for  the 
arrest  of  Sir  DORIAN  MARCH  in  con- 
nection with  the  burglary  and  at- 
tempted murder  at  The  River  Cot- 
tage, Mr.  MORRIS'S  waterside  resi- 
dence. Sir  DORIAN  is,  as  our  readers 
may  know,  engaged  to  Lady  GWEN- 
DOLEN ASHLEY,  the  sister  of  Lady 
MARION  BEAUMONT.  Gossip  has  it 
that  Lady  MARION  has  had  financial 
dealings  with  Mr.  MORRIS  lately,  and 
even  goes  so  far  as  to  suggest  that  it 
was  some  of  her  securities  which  are 


now  missing;  but  of  that  wu  cannot 
say  anything  at  present.  Certainly 
Lady  MABUW  has  a  house,  in  the 
neighbourhood,  whore  she  entertains 
largely." 

v. 

[Extract  from  "  Hit  Country  and  Hi,  Kiny." 
a  serial  story  in  "  Boy*  Together."] 

'  .  .  .  .  The  struggle  was  11  short 
one.  Hurling  his  adversary  to  the 
ground,  DORIAN  rose  and  looked 
quickly  round  him.  Alas  I  it  was  too 
late!  Ho  was  discovcivd  !  For  a 
moment  he  stood  thero  paralysed. 
Then  an  ineffable  smile  played  around 
his  lips.  '  GWENDOLEN, '  he  whis- 
pered, '  it  is  for  your  sake  I  do  it. 
To  save  your  sister's  honour.' 

"  For  one  moment  ho 
turned,  and  hurled  a  bit- 
ter cry  of  defiance  at  his 
pursuers.  Then  he  raised 
his  arms,  and,  breathing 
a  prayer  for  safety,  dived 
.  .  .  right  into  the  ircir! 
Down.  .  .  down.  .  . 
down.  .  ." 

(To  be  continued.) 

VI. 

[Extracts  from  "  The  Daily 
Telegraph."] 

'  Troopship  Beach  y 
Head  run  down  in  South- 
ampton Water  in  dense 
fog  and  sunk  with  all 
hands. — Router." 

(From  our  oirn  Cvrreapondtnt.) 

"  Among  the  victims  of 
the  awful  disaster  appears 
to   have   been    Sir   DORIAN 
MARCH.    It  will  be  remem- 
bered   that   a   warrant   for 
his    arrest    in    connection 
with  the  Windsor  burglary 
had     been    issued.      It     is 
thought    that    he    had    en- 
listed  in  one  of  the   regi- 
ments ordered  abroad  with 
the  idea  of  getting  out  of 
the  country,  but,  of  course,  nothing 
can  now  be  known  for  certain.    And 
so  yet  another  secret  is  locked  in  the 
broad  bosom  of  the  sea,  never  to  be 
revealed  until  that  last  day  when  the 
waters  give  up  their  dead." 

VII. 

[Extract  from  "  The  Devonshire  Chronicle."] 
"  A  pretty  but  quiet  wedding  was 
solemnised  at  St.  Mary's  Church  yes- 
terday between  Mr.  NOEL  FERRERS 
and  Lady  GWENDOLEN  ASHLEY.  The 
Reverend  MABTIN  HOPE  officiated.  .  . 
The  bride's  dress.  .  .  The  brides- 
maids. .  .  The  presents.  .  .  nume- 
rous and  costly." 

-"  Later. — We  understand  that  the 
marriage  reported  in  our  earlier  edi- 
tion did  not  take  place  after  all.  In 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


18,  1907. 


the  middle  of  the  tnatie 

iption     .  Sir     1' 

il,    who    had  .   wn    with 

the     llcachy  ting     into 

the      church.      and      f>  -redding      the 

.     .     .    Tlif 

V.  hieh       Were       the 

of  Messrs.  HfNToN  and  Co..  \\ill  not, 

as     we     under 

stand  that  a  v  pl.u-.- 

(so  goon  n-  M  I"1  procured) 

•he   briilf. 
I'lifortuiKi  wedding  cake.  .  ." 

[Since    the    above    was    writt 
have  been  pri  to  see  at  Drury 

Lane    a 

KALKUiii  uiul  HENRI  HAMILTON,  called 
The  Sin*  of  Society,  which  follows 
with  extraordinary  minuteness  those 
incidents  in  real  life  which  I  have  put 

:ier  above.    Whether  it  is  legiti- 

W  authors  to  put  actual  hap- 
penings upon  the  stage  in  this  way  is 
not  for  mo  to  say;  but.  I  must  con- 
gratulate them  upon  the  skill  with 
which  they  hnve  pieced  the  story  to- 

:•  from  the  records  available,  nnd 
upon  the  interpretation  given  to  the 
characters  by  the  various  actors.  To 

.  \NM  liitofiiir,  Mr.  IAN  ll.\iu>- 
INO,  and  Mr.  ALBERT  CIIFA  u,n:ii 
in  particular  all  praise  is  due.  — 
A.  A.  M.] 

AIRS  OF  AN  EXILE. 
To  AN  ENGLISH  SPARROW. 

["The  first  English  »r*rrow  (paunr  dome*- 
tifut)  has  nppeare  1  in  Southern  California."  — 
rrrtt  Calif.] 


N,  pushful  and  grimy, 
That    lordest    o'er    chimney    and 

cowl, 
Crying,  "Gam  there!  "  or  "  'Ook  it, 

Oorbliii: 

In  the  wake  of  less  bellicose  fowl; 
Thy  behaviour  is  coarse  and  thy  ear 

too 

I'ntrained  in  the  musical  nrt, 
But  oh  !  to  behold  thee  is  dear  to 
An  Englishman's  heart. 

'hou  that  impossible  sparrow 
Which,  perching  on  Lcsbia's  thumb, 
Entranced  her  susceptible  marrow 
With  the  Latin  for  "  Kissy  come, 

come;  " 
Whose  end,   when  the  Parcae   that 

cull  us 
Removed  him,  was  rendered  sub- 

l.me 

By    the     verse    of    a    bard    called 
CATOW 

In  vogue  at  the  time. 

•'line,  when  Diana  is  braiding 
P.right  locks  in  her  mirror  (In-  lake, 
TO  tiirill  with  divine  serenading 
The  shadowy  drops  of  the  brake; 


M  nn  anguish 

Midi  by  ilie  sight  of  the  rose, 
Or   trie    loves  of   tho  lilies   thut    lan- 

•>ll 
When  X.eph  \rus  Mows. 

Puit   thine  at  tin-  hush  of  tho  twilight 

•.d  fight  in  tli. 

Till  the  house-cat  responds  from  the 
•ky  light, 

:    awakes   and   calls 
..  T; 

Thine    too,     when     the     Pleiads    and 
Taurus 

s  to  intimate  wall. 
To    intrude    on    their    sighs    with    n 

chorus 
Of  dissolute  squawks. 

Then  wherefore,  tlaint  stints  fiasscr, 
Is  the  sight  of  thee  dear  to  my  ken, 

.is  the  oil  of  Mneassar 
To  the  apex  of  elderly  men'.' 
Dull-feathered,      ill-nmnnercd,      un- 
gainly, 

As  a  vocalist  frankly  absurd, 
Thou    art  -still    (to    express    i. 

plainly) 
The  deuce  of  a  bird. 

Ay.  travel  the  orbis  tt-rrarum, 

Buonos    Ayres,    New    York,    Ade- 
laide; 

To  the  land  of  the  lotus  and  arum, 
To    the    ice    where    the    Eskimos 

trade ; 

And  wherever  mankind  has  dominion, 
And   there  's   business   and   bustle 

and  stir, 

Thou,  borne  on  adventurous  pinion, 
Art  sure  to  occur. 

Thou    too    hast    the    Englishman's 
habit 

Of  settling  in  alien  climes; 
Thou  too,  like  that  other,  the  rabbit, 

Dost  multiply  freely  at  times; 
Thou  too  by  a  rooted  objection 

To  desisting  till  utterly  dead 
I  last  tinted  Mercator's  projection 

A  delicate  red. 

Hi  re,  hemmed  by  the  sleepy  Pacific, 
And     the    mountain's    primordial 

crust, 
And  the  Mohavo  desert,  prolific 

In  "  rattlers  "  and  alkali  dust, 
M'-n  scorned  thee,  redoubtable  > 
Saving,  "  Ixwk  you,  the  bird  is  no 
class  I 

us   hope   he   may   never   come 
over 
Tchachepi's  pass." 

But    thou    cornest,    0    blest    among 

I    pi/.e    on    thee    fresh    from    the 

:iid  ; 

And  r  my  f.-atur.  s 

And  falls  with  a  |>!o]>  on  the  sand; 


And  a  vision  half  sad,  half  ecstatic 
Hrm^s   back  to  me  days  that  are 

dea.l, 
When    thou    hauntedst   my    lUooms- 

bury  at  lie 
And  squabbled  for  bread. 

Then      long      mnyest      flourish,      0 

spa: 

'•%    lord    it    o'er    chimney    and 

•'\1  ; 
And  speed  like  the  flight  of  an  arrow 

In  chase  of  inferior  fowl. 
One  house-top  at  least  thou  shall  sit 

on, 
Well    assured    of    thy    guerdon    of 

crumbs, 

And  welcome  the  immigrant  Briton 
Whenever  he  comes.    ' 

ALGOL. 

OVEKSEAS    EDITION.;; 
OK,  Huw  TO  Loec  READERS. 

/,'n/iWi   Kmi'jmnl  oflpin  a  fro*  j*-—  rmi 
C"I"!!V    to    riMiitrs    jTiK'tiring   it   fifty 
subscriber*.) 

Thr  (llnbf-trnltt  r  announc.  s  a  Self- 
Denial  Week,  in  which  it  will  send 
round  the  world  the  reader  collecting 
the  highest  number  of  tram  tic; 

Various  newspapers  offer  a  fort- 
night's stay  at  a  watering-place  to 
the  first  reader  who  pays  his  overdue 
subscription  before  leaving  for  his 
holiday. 

Free  railway  journeys  to  a  convict 
station  are  guaranteed  by  The 
Hud;/  (-.S'/iop  Stockbroker  to  competi- 
tors sending  in  successful  essays  on 

How  I  made  a  million  on  the  i 
Exchange  on  a  Capital  of  £.">." 

Punch    offers    a    first-class    pa 
gratis   to    Kamskatka    to   the   gentle- 
man who  is  now  sending  in 

Spring    three    times    a    Week. 
full  name  and  asylum.) 

S.  .me  testimonial,  it  is  expected, 
will  1  to  the  editor  who  in- 

\ented  Limericks.  The  testimonial 
will  probably  take  the  form  of  a  free 
(single)  ticket  to  Central  Australia. 


lihsy     scenes,"     says     the 

I'onxtitution,     "wen-     witn.-ss.-d     nt 

Euston    whin   tuo   specials   were   dis- 

patched   for    Liverpool    to   catch    the 

l.iiKttntiiii.      About      .'!.">,'      i   i--.  -liters 

travelled    in    the   two   specials,    which 

•  arried    ;"dKI    \aekagcs."         This 

.    nut     -llTI.'i    of    a     1  :     per 

yackagi',  and  heats  the  /».  iitschlnnd'* 

ily. 

Socialist  Candour. 

I  Mscreet     i|.  <>f    w  horn     I 

ii.i\e  iiKjiiired  Why  Math'.'  have  r,,. 
plied  that  it  was  a  sort  of  accident." 
The  Clarion. 


00 

B 


Pi 

d 
O 


O 

1-1 

w 


ci 

n" 
o 


c/3 

X. 
O 


O 

u 


O 

s 


t-H        O 

PH     ^ 

t^       no 


SEFTEMBEH  18.  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  203 


A    MATTER    OF    PREJUDICE. 

Host.    "  You  'D   BETTER  TAKE   A  CUE   OUT   OF   ONE   OF   THESE  TINS." 

<-!uest.  "No,  THANKS.     FACT  OF  THF.  MATTER  is,  OLD  CHAP,  SINCE  THAT  BEASTLY  CHICAGO  BUSINESS  I  HAVEN'T  TOUCHED  A  TINNED  < 


CLOSE  TIME  BY  THE  SEA. 

[The  past  season  at  the  seaside  is  said  to 
have  been  the  worst  on  record.] 

TIIKY    sowed    the    bait,    with    ample 

hand, 

Of  joys  to  child  and  adult  dear; 
They  praised  their  drainage  and  their 

band; 

Their  lodging-houses'  cordial  cheer; 
The  bathing  from  the  silvery  strand, 
Or  watching  from  the  pier. 

Yet  vain  were  all  their  arts,  and  vain 
The  hopes  whereon  their  faith  was 
pinned ; 

The  bait  was  ruined  by  the  rain ; 
The  quarry,  headed  by  the  wind, 

Came,  saw,  and  passed  away  again, 
Not  waiting  to  be  skinned. 

The  beach  whereon,  serenely  laid, 
1'uppa  would  take  his  yearly  ease, 

While  Mumma,  proud  but  half  afraid, 
Watched  her  small  brood  of  he's 
and  she's 


Plying  the  bucket  and  the  spade, 
Or  paddling  to  the  knees, 

Did  not,  as  heretofore,  attract. 

For  Puppa  found  his  morning  sheet 
Blown  from  his  grasp,  while  Mumma 
smacked 

Her  offspring  if  they  wet  their  feet ; 
And  having  tried  it  once,  they  packed 

Up  for  a  swift  retreat. 

The  bather,  too,  that  oft  of  yore 
Clove  the  gay  blue  with  pliant  limb, 

Stood  rooted  to  the  yeasty  shore, 
And  hardly  felt  inclined  to  swim ; 

But  owned  the  billows'  hungry  roar 
Was  one  too  much  for  him. 

In  vain  the  vessel  puff't  the  sail 
Or  filled  the  air  with  barren  hoot; 

Like  the  Saharan  camel's  trail, 
The  minstrel  Bones'  colossal  boot 

Stamped     the     lone     sands,     while, 

almost  pale, 
He  twanged  an  empty  lute. 


And  every  day  was  bleak  as  blank  ; 

And  every  night  as  dank  as  dark  ; 
And  week  by  week  the  spirits  sunk 

Lower,  till  e'en  the  breezy  clerk 
Returned,  all  sodden,  to  his  bank  — 

A  raven  to  its  Ark. 


And  from  the  marges  of  the 

There  rose  a  noise  of  sore  dismay, 
Especially  from  them  that  keep 
Lodgings  —   whose      dreams      of 

making  hay 
Failed    with     the     sun  —  who    dully 

weep, 
Foiled  of  their  lawful  prey. 

0  hostess  by  the  summer  sea, 

Take   courage,   for  the   worst   has 
gone; 

Look  forward  to  the  time  to  be  ! 
Look  forward  I   You  may  trust  anon 

To  multiply  the  rent  by  three, 
And  stick  some  extras  on. 

Butt-Dun. 


204 


PUNCH,  OR  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Stm:unF.n  18,  1907. 


ENGLISH    SPOKEN. 

Wiirs  \ou  have  walked  from  ' 
inoiit-1-Yrrund  to  Kmin  fi.i  tin-  top  of 
tin-  l'uy-'i  '   you  will 

be  le*s  anxious  to  study  Kenai- 
houses  than  to  hear  the  water  run- 
ning into  a  bath-tub. 

Joiix  said,  "  1  'II  liuvc  it  bath  if  it 
bliodl 

••  With  you,"  said  I.     '•  I  Ml  ask." 
top,  '  said  Jons.  "  /  will." 

.lollS     1.1:. A\S    Jtist     tllTl-f     V 

of  French,  tin-  \vonl  for  "  beer."  the 
word  for  "  dinner,"  and  the  won!  fur 
"  coffee."  So  1  did  not  see  how  In- 
proposed  to  conduct  an  enquiry  into 
the  position  of  the  local  hydropathic 
establishment.  I  saiil 

JOHN  |K>inted  again,  and  now  I  wan 
aware  of  some  white  letters  which 
adhered  drunkciily  to  tin-  window 
glass.  They  were  I:M;  sn  si-  KKN. 

"  I  may  not  know  French,"  said 
JOHN,  "  but  I  can  read  that  kind  of 
shorthand  at  sight.  Come  on  ;  "  and 
he  entered  the  shop  with  an  air. 

He  rapped  authoritatively  on  the 
counter,  and  a  fat  man  came  out  of 
the  back  premises.  He  had  not 
much  hair,  and  all  then-  was  grew  on 
his  face.  He  had  a  goitre.  He 
wheezed  heavily.  His  complexion 
was  grey  and  he  had  hut  one  eye. 
Through  this  he  watched  us  sus- 
piciously, but  he  made  no  advances. 

"  You  speak  English,  I  think," 
said  JOHN  civilly. 

"  Hfin  !  " 

"  You  speak  English,"  JOHN  re- 
peated, rounding  his  mouth  and 
separating  his  words  like  a  professor 
of  elocution. 

"Inglee«h?"  wheezed  the  fat 
man,  tasting  the  word  like  a  new- 
sensation.  "  Ingleesh?  "  Then  he 
saw  light,  and  a  smile  of  wonderful 
sweetness  illumined  his  cheerless 
face.  "  Aoh,  vase,"  he  said.  "  Ing- 
leesh.  Yase.  Aoh,  vase.  Ingleesh." 

"  Then,"  said  JOHN,  "  can  you  tell 
me  where  we  can  get  a  bath '.'  ' ' 

"  Hcint" 

"A  bath— a  ba-th,"  said  JOHN 
carefully. 

"  Bahce?  Bahc  He  was 

thinking,  wondering,  groping. 
"Ah!"  He  had  it,  "l)ahce!"he 
cried  on  a  higher  note.  "  Bahce  !  "  he 
sprang  an  octave  in  his  compl.tr 
comprehension.  "Bahce!"  he 
dropped  to  depths  of  scom.  I 'id  we 
hope  to  puzzle  him  with  a  simple 
little  word  like  that?  "  Aoh,  yase  I  " 
he  concluded.  "Bahce!  Yase!  Aoh 
yase!" 

"Capital,"  said  Jons  cheerilv. 
"  Where  is  the  ph, 

The  dealer  i  i  picture-postcards, 
vegetables  and  L  Imcco  gazed  dully 


before  him.     We  must  give  him  time. 
In  tl.  .11  may  i 

tig  a  little  rusty  in  his 

'•  UN.  speaking  as 
:i  little  Cl  "  place,  you  1.: 

echoed   the  linguist. 

i    JOHN, 
If  well  in  hand. 

"    1'i  H.     chewed    it    a   while. 

"  lie  is  a  fru  UN  to  me 

quite  loudly. 

JOHN  had  done  the  good  man 
an  injustice. 

"  Ah!  piece'.1  "  (as  one  would  ask, 
"  Why  didn't  you  say  so  hc- 

Piece! 
p! 

"  Wher-  is  it '.'  "  cried  JOHN. 
"  Wh.  Do  j'ou  understand '.' 

Wh.  • 

"Don't  shout  so  loud,   JOHN,"    I 
-ted. 

"  do     to    the     deuce."     said     JoIIS. 

Then,  planting  his  knuckles  firmly  on 
the    counter,     he    enunciated     with 
'  frightful   distinctness   the  one   word, 
"  Oo-hare?  " 

The  other  shrugged  his  shoulders 
and  spread  out  his  hands,  an  action 
which  in  a  Frenchman  always  finds 
me  unprepared.  1  can  never  lielieve 
somehow  that  they  really  do  it. 

"  Ooere,"  he  sighed  patiently,  and 
cast  up  his  eyes  to  heaven  as  if  in- 
formation on  the  suliject  might  l.e 
sought  with  prospect  of  snce. 
that  direction  alone.  "  ( >,  en- ' 
Vase!  "  and  he  shook  his  head 
slowly,  "  Ooere.  \ 

I  could  see  that  JOHN  would  fly  at 
him  in  another  moment. 

"  Ooere'.1  "  said   the  man.     "Aoh 

"  Damn  !  "  said  JI.HX. 

The  old  gentleman's  dun-coloured 
face   became   almost    lieautiful.         lie 
I  hud   been  swimming  in  deep  waters, 
but  here  was  solid  ground. 

"  Dam?  "  he  cried  huskily.  "  dam'.' 
Aoh  vase  !  dam  !  dam  !  Aoh  yase  ! 
Dam'!  " 

"Aoh  yase,  dam!"  said  JOHN, 
between  his  teeth. 

A  little  dark  woman  in  a  white  cap, 

somewhere  between  the  ages  of  thirty 

and  sixty,  came  out  of  the  back  of 

the  shop  and  looked  at  us  curiously. 

erieil         her        husband. 

Vicns  done-,  un  peu,  causer  avec  eel 
imbecile.  Je  crois  qu'il  est  saoul." 

She  put  him  on  one  side  and  came 
forward  smiling. 

"  W.-  are  all  right  now,"  I  saiil  to 
JOHN.  "  The  master  of  (he  house 
has  taken  command.  To  her.  JOHN." 

'  Messieurs'   "  enquired  tin-  hi.lv. 

You    speak    Knglish,    I    beli.-ve." 
said   JOHN,    r.-im  .\  m;_-   liis  cap,    partlv 


from  native  politeness,  partly  in  order 
the  more  thoroughly  (<>  mop  his  brow. 

"  Ingleesh  V  Aoii  she  re- 

plied confidently  enough. 

A  spasm  twitched  acr..ss  JOHN'S 
hut  he  came  up  smil  : 

"  We  want  a  bath,"   he  said. 

"  Bahce  !  "     she     cei  "  Aoh 

"  Wher  •   can    w.  '.'       Are 

they  far  [K  m  here'.'  What  street  are 
they  in?  " 

JoiiN,  like  all  F.nglishnu-n  who  are 
r.ot  understoo.l  in  |  now 

talking  at  the  top  of  his  \oice.  Bel- 
lowing, in  fact. 

"  Ban'  "  she  said,  and  nodded  her 
head  encouraging!  \ 

" 

I   was  sorry   for  JollN. 

He  said.  "  Then  1  '11  show  you." 

He  began  to  make  the  motions  of  a 
man  undressing  rapidly.  He  -  : 
an  imaginary  sponge,  stepped  into  a 
visionary  bath  and  began  to  splash 
invisible  water  over  himself.  "  Sh  ' 
Sh!  Shi  Ah!  "  lu'  cried. 

Alv  knowledge  of  his  needs  enabled 
me  to  girsp  the  meaning  of  bis 
actions  with  some  certainty,  but  it 
was  clear  from  the  terrified  faces 
behind  the  counter  that  my  friend's 
sanity  was  more  than  suspected. 

"  .Yrefr      will      you      tell      Ille  .'  "       he 

thundered. 

"  His'  liis'  "  cried  a  dozen  young 
voices  from  the  doorway.  1  1 
behind  me.  I  saw  that  the  entrance 
to  the  shop  was  tilled  by  a  large  and 
interested  crowd  of  children.  People 
were  running  from  all  sides.  A 
policeman  was  advancing  down  the 
middle  of  the  street.  Not  a  moment 
was  to  be  lost. 

Madame,"    I    said,    "  perniette?: 

qiie  j  •  \olis  i-\plique  hi  cho-e.  M(.|I 
ami  n'est  pas  ivre.  II  n'est  nieine 
pan  enrage.  II  d.  sire  seuleincnt 
se  laver  le  corps.  Veiiille/.  nous  in- 
diquer  la  route  la  plus  direct,-  pour 
l'i  t  •iblisseliielit  des  bains." 

"  Volontiers,  monsieur,"  she  re- 
plied. '11  est  justemelit  ell  face.  " 

"  Je  suis  infininient  oblige,"  I  said. 
"  I'ilons.  On  bien  nous  serous  cause 
d'une  eineiite." 

"  Pardon.  Monsieur,"  wln-e/ed  the 
fat  mall.  parle/  l'i:u 

inerveille.       Mais,    puisque    \oii 
UI10      telle      facilitc    --poiirqtioi      Mon- 
sieur votn-  ami  a-t-il 

I  'aine,"  said  I,  "  Monsieur  a 
lu  I'avis  .\  la  <levanture.  II  a  votihi 
vous  adresser  la  parole  en  An- 

"  I'll  Anglais'.'"  cried  Ma. lame. 
"tyuYst-ce  qui  I'empechait  done  de 
le  faire'.' 

I    have    never   had   the   courage   to 
translate    our    little    conversat, 
JOHN. 


SEPTEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


BQ0 


ON  THE  LOOSE;* 

OR  THE   BELLES   LETTRES  OF   A 

PULPITEER. 
XXXIX.— LIFE. 

An,  my  brethren,  what  is  life'.' 
That  is  the  question  that  I  camo 
here  to  answer — here  in  this  old  ram- 
bling country  house  all  among  the 
fens,  where  a  man  has  table  space 
for  his  papers,  and  ink  by  the  gallon, 
and  plenty  of  pens,  and  all  the  best 
sermons  on  the  shelves.  I 

What  is  life?  I  pause  for  a 
reply,  or  at  least  I  should  pause  if  I 
had  not  backed  myself  to  write  this 
kind  of  thing  at  the  rate  of  ten 
thousand  words  a  day  for  ever  and 
ever;  and  to  pause  and  think  is  fatal. 
Easier  is  it  to  write  on.  Life,  it  has 
been  wisely  remarked,  is  simpler  when 
one  has  friends  than  it  is  alone,  j 


Friends!  Ah,  my  brethren,  what  a' 
beautiful  thought  is  there !  Such  ' 
thoughts  are  worth  a  guinea  a  pew. 
Some  philosophers  have  devoted  time 
and  thought  to  tracing  backwards  all 
our  emotions  to  their  primal  origin; 
and  it  is  undoubtedly  true  that  in  the 
intenscst  and  most  passionate  rela- 
tionships of  life — the  love  of  a  man 
for  a  woman,  or  a  mother  for  a  child 
— there  is  a  large  admixture  of  some- 
thing physical,  instinctive,  and 
primal.  Put  in  another  way,  the 
discovery  of  these  shrewd  and  pene- 
trating philosophers  is  that  men  and 
women  are  human  after  all.  How 
interesting  that  is !  What  a  lesson 
it  teaches. 

Again,  my  brethren,  I  have  ob- 
served that  there  are  infinite  grades 
of  friendship,  beginning  with  the 
friendship  which  is  a  mere  camara- 
derie arising  out  of  habit  and  proxi- 
mity ;  and  everyone  ought  to  be 
capable  of  forming  this  last  relation- 
ship. It  is  said  that  in  countries 
where  oxen  are  used  for  ploughing  in 
double  harness,  there  are  touching 
instances  of  an  ox  pining  away,  and 
even  dying,  if  he  loses  his  accus- 
tomed yoke-fellow.  This  is  horrible 
to  me.  "  Alas,  my  poor  brother  I  " 
I  cannot  but  exclaim.  Death  of 
all  kinds  hurts  me ;  but  the  death 
of  an  ox  who  has  not  read  the  Upton 
Letters  is  dreadful  indeed. 

And  then  there  are  infinite  gra- 
dations, such  as  the  friendships  of  old 
and  young,  pupils  and  masters, 
parents  and  children,  nurses  and 
nurslings,  employers  and  servants, 
all  of  them  in  a  way  unequal  friend- 
ships, but  all  useful  to  us  in  such  a 
survey  of  the  situation  as  this  is. 

Friendship  must  be  very  strong  to 

*  Copyrirjlit  in  America  ly  Arthur  Ilensley 
JSenson. 


Thomas.  "D'YEB  MEAN  TEB  SAY  IF  TEB  'AD  TWO  'OSSES  YEB'D  GIVE  ME  ONE?" 
Socialist.  "  CEBT'NLY." 

H.  T.  "AND  IF  YEB  'AD  TWO  cows  YEB'D  OJVE  ME  ONE?"          8.  "'CotusE  I  WOULD!" 
II.  T.  "  AN'  IF  YEB  'AD  TWO  rios  ?  " 
S.  "  WOT  YEB  TALKIN'  ABOUT  ?    I  'VE  GOT  TWO  rios !  " 


survive  certain  tests.  It  has  been 
noticed,  for  instance,  by  great  philo- 
sophers that  few  young  women  con- 
tinue in  the  old  terms  of  intimacy 
after  one  of  them  has  become  en- 
gaged to  the  fiance  of  the  other. 
This  is  very  sad,  but  oh  so  true. 

[Ten  pages  omitted.] 

Fifthly,  my  brethren,  remember 
this,  that  we  pay  a  price  for  our 
qualities :  the  thistle,  I  have  ob- 
served, cannot  become  the  vine,  or 
the  oak  the  rose.  We  are  what  we 
are;  or,  in  other  words,  we  are  not 
what  we  are  not.  This  is  an  in- 
variable rule  of  life.  There  are,  of 
course,  deceptions,  surface  frauds, 
by  which  a  bald  man  may  become  to 
all  appearances  a  hairy  man,  or  a 
blonde  a  brunette.  But  these 
isolated  cases  do  not  touch  the  heart 
of  the  matter,  have  no  relation  to  its 


root.  Wo  are  what  we  are.  Thus 
one  man  is  a  local  preacher,  and  an 
other  an  essayist,  and  another  a 
mixture  of  both.  One  man  writes  a 
new  book  every  week ;  another  man 
writes  only  one  book  all  his  life,  but 
issues  it  afresh  every  week  under  a 
new  title. 

[Ten  more  pages  omitted.] 

So  far  had  I  written  when  it 
seemed  to  me  that  it  would  be  well 
to  see  the  reflection  of  my  beliefs  in 
some  other  mind,  and  so  I  lured  two 
harmless  old  ladies  into  the  front  pew 
and  let  them  have  it  straight  from 
the  shoulder.  What  they  said  I  have 
not  room  to  repeat,  but  they  need  not 
have  been  so  touchy  about  being 
called  "my  brethren."  It  was  a 
very  natural  slip  in  one  so  fluent  as 
myself.  Still,  it  lost  me  another 
couple  of  friends. 


:  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CII.MMVARI.  [StrmiBKu  18.  1907. 


THE    GLOVE. 
NINA  has  been  going  it  thest 

keeps  « .. 

of  her  dcid-.      I    said,    "  \\liy   don't 

but  i-l 

on  one  <>(  her  hnughty,  far-away  looks 
and  suui, 
or    Princess    that    wrote    her 

1  said,  "  I  "     I 

had   to  answer   like   that,   or   she'd 

shouldn't 

liad  any  more  fun.  "  Then, 
sirrah,"  she  said,  "  thou  hast  pro- 
nouuccd  thine  own  doom.  II 

forth  thou  art  the "    She  couldn't 

think  of  i,   and  had  to  run 

into  the  house  to  look  at  a  book 
where  she  thought  she  could  find  it. 
\\  hen  she  came  out  she  got  on  her 
throne  again — she  was  i'.LizA- 

uii'l    I  'd    been    the    Earl    of 
:.   and  JIM,  the  stable-boy, 
hail  made  her  a  throne  out  of  empty 
1  cans— and  she  said  in  a  deep 
.  "  Thou,  HKRBERT  BISHOP,  art 
listoriographer-Hoyal.      I  found 
it,"    she   said,    "  in    \\'hHnkcr't   Al- 
manac."    So  that 's  why  I  'm  at  it 
again. 

That  was  on  Monday.  On  Tues- 
day she  was  JOAN  OF  ABC,  and  I  was 
the  English  army.  I  fought  very 
valiantly,  but  I  had  got  to  be  con- 
1.  \Ve  had  six  battles,  and 
after  I  had  been  scattered  and  cut  to 
pieces  for  the  last  time  JIM  brought 
her  in  to  my  camp  with  her  hands 
bound  and  a  bit  of  muslin  stuck  on 
her  head  to  show  she  was  going  to  be 
a  saint.  He  surrendered  her  to  me, 
but  he  forgot  what  she  'd  told  him  t<> 
say,  which  was,  "  I  fear  I  am  doing 
an  ill  deed.  I  have  had  terrible 
dreams  of  what  will  betide  me."  In- 

<>f  that,  he  said,  "  Hes 
HniKKKT.  take  the  filly.    She  's  given 
me  no  end  of  trouble.    Woa,  my  lass, 
woa  U.  NINA  said,  "  Degrade 

not  the  dignity  of  history,"  and  sent 
him  back  to  his  work,  and  then  I  had 
to  sentence  her,  mid  Mrs.  AUSTIN 
came  out  just  in  time  to  burn  h.  r 
alive.  It  WHS  tea-time. 

ty  Dad  and  Mum  went  to 
London,  so  there  was  no  dinner,  and 
Mrs.  AUSTIN  said  she  'd  go  out  walk- 
ing with  us.  Mrs.  AUSTIN  doesn't 
like  long  walks,  and  we  soon  got  into 
a  fit  Id  where  she  said  she  'd  sit  down 
and  get  her  breath  back  under  the 
shade  of  a  tree.  That  was  Nis\ 's 
cham  -iaid  she  was  a  Princess 

y  high  degree,  and  had  been 
commanded  by  KINO  Fiusvis  to  at- 
tend that  very  afternoon  to  see  his 
I  was  to  be  the  Duke 
and  Muytjinf,  tin- 
I>andio   I>ininont  doe,   was  to  1 


• 

' 
!  -h  him.      II-    w  is  Imrk- 

• 

1 
hath 

' 

•  lin- 
king   of    :  King    of 
PIMM  i:  face  to  face.     1   thnnk 
Majesty     for  I 
Mid,  "  The  K                                   irking 

"  Pllk'-    \  I  "\/n,"  she 

said,    "  thou    art    forget  tin.- 

i  any  courage? 

hold,   I   1  Jove   into 

the  ar  i.  i.      Art  tliou  i 

!id    and  it     for    i- 

She  chucked  an  >•'.  it>out  li\e 

-  off,  and  said.  •    thy 

mettle,    or    be    for  remit 

1  saw  what  she  I 
and  I  was  after  it  like  a  knif 
gave  it  back  to  her.  Mr-.  A 
said,  "Bravo,  Master  Ih:Kiiin:  you 
always  were  a  plucky  one;"  but 
Nix\  said,  "Your  Majesty  speaks 
jestingly.  Tho  lion  was  asleep;  but 
now  he  is  awake.  Go,  ALONZO,  and 
recover  the  glove  once  more."  Th.-n 
she  chucked  it  again;  but  this  time 
Muggins  had  left  the  cows,  and 
before  I  could  get  the  glove  he  had 
pounced  on  it  and  nipped  it  up.  I 
was  after  him  directly,  but  of  course 
he  thought  it  was  a  game,  and  away 
he  went.  I  chased  him  a  bit.  and  at 
last,  just  as  I  was  catching  him,  I 
ran  plump  into  a  big  man  who  was 
walking  across  the  field.  He  said, 
"  Steady,  young  man,"  and  almost 
directly  afterwards  NINA  come  up 
and  told  him  we  didn't  mean  to  be 
doing  any  harm.  "  Lord  bless  you," 
he  said,  "  that  don't  matter.  The 
corn's  all  cut,  and  you  can't  do  much 
mischief;  "  and  then  he  went  on. 
NINA  afterwards  told  n,e  In  \\.-ts  really 
the  King  of  SPAIN,  the  worst  enemy 
of  KING  FRANCIS.  Anyhow,  he 
looked  like  a  farmer.  I  don't  think 
ho  'd  have  understood  NINA  if  .- 
your-Majcstied  him.  \Ve  never  saw 
the  glove  again ;  but  NINA  said  we 
.'t  trouble,  because  it  was  only 
one  of  Mil-  !;.  c.  I.. 

Curious  Accident  on  Popular  Line 

"Is    :i  -d   carriage  of 

•    lino   the   lump   • 

whi.-h  had  just   been   lit,   fell,  among 
oth'  r  thingH,  upon  the  •  .  .m- 

tiful  weary-looking  woman."      'i 


Ireland  in  India. 

,  llir  Kntlnu<nir\f,ri,:      "  .' 


mi:  ri:i;ri-:rr\i.  " 

mt  of  caverns 
\\  i  m'  (locks, 

•  i  burst  upon  this  lx>uliler 

lie  with  JI"V 

Mi.  iichant  the  n 

All  tl  k  the  hi!' 

1  lun  .-k  it 

• 
Unhei 

I  hav. 

r   all    their   ki 
row 

liut  to  watch  your  rippl< 

up, 

Stirs  me  with  a  thrill.  1'oseidon, 
•;er  than  the  English  Cup  : 
That  is  why  each  morning  finds 

Listenii  inch, 

Till  their  hollow  roar  remr 

That  the  hour  is  ripe  for  lunch. 


Slili'STlIAT  (SUB)PASa 

TIIK  superiority  in  di: 

its  jiiv.leressors  which  is  a  feat'. 
the  Lunil<ii}i<i,  and  which  char. 
ises  nearly  <  \v  liner 

rttructed,  maki  s  ol. 
the    possibility    that    some    day    our 
Shipping     Intelligence     will     include 
sueli  items  as  the  following:  — 

\Ye      IKI  . 

volume,  ])tiy  Tours  on  tlir  .\'<ri 
giving    particulars   of    the    many    d<-- 
lightful   walks   which    arc   olTi-n-il    to 
praci  \XU    by    • 
addition    to    the    White    Star    li'          : 
an  L'reyhoi:' 

.iijnijih.) 

The    opening     fours. .:  t     the 

links  laid  on  the   upper  deck  of  the 
r      Encyrlnjititliti      uas 
.•ifi.-r     leaving 
.11,    IIi:i:n    and    M 
-.MM  and  TAVI...K. 

The 

but  is  thoroughly  'In-  uat<-r 

I-' rum      : 
HKMII   was   bniik.-r.-d    in   t! 

but      |)laying      out       TAYLOR 


SEITKMHKR  IS,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


807 


•J^V  N  (^  /  r*  r=-  KjN  'p— 


Commercial  Gent  (travelling  in  tolacco).  "  THAT,  Sin,  is  A  CIGAR  YOU  COULD  OFFER  TO  AST  OF  TOUR  FRIENDS." 
Hotel  Proprietor.  "An,  YES,  I  CAN  SEE  THAT.    BUT  TIIE  POINT  is,  HAVE  YOU  OUT  AXY  THAT  I  coi'i.u  SMOKE  uvsru?" 


managed  to  halve.  Approaching  the 
second,  MASSY  got  into  difficulties,  a 
sudden  roll  of  the  boat  making  him 
pull  his  shot  down  the  funnel  of  a 
passing  tug.  (Proceeding.) 

Motorists  will  be  glad  to  learn  that 
a  fine  macadam  surface  has  been 
laid  on  the  lower  deck  of  the  new 
White  Star  liner  Pneumatic,  enabling 
passengers  to  make  half-day  excur- 
sions to  some  of  the  most  beautiful 
and  interesting  parts  of  the  vessel, 
including  the  anchor,  the  engine- 
room,  and  other  places  of  interest. 

The  White  Star  Line  announce  the 
maiden  voyage  of  B.M.S.  Epic,  from 
Southampton,  on  Wednesday,  Octo- 
ber 1.  The  streets  throughout  the 
vessel  are  lighted  by  electricity, 
while  motor  "buses  run  between  the 
dining  saloon  and  principal  cabins. 

The  company's  coaches  meet  all 
passengers  at  the  gangway,  and  con- 
vey them  to  their  cabins  free  of  all 
charge. 

The  Journalistic  Touch. 

"  On  seeing  the  gallantry  of  the 
Moors  the  Commandant  could  not 
help  clapping  his  hands  and  exclaim- 
ing '  bravo,'  advancing  with  his  sabre 
in  one  hand  and  his  revolver  in  the 
other." — Matin  Correspondent. 


THE  LAUNDRY. 

ON  Monday  morning  comes  a  cart 
As  custom  has  it  everywhere, 

The  collars  and  the  shirts  depart 
To  undergo  their  weekly  tear; 

And  such  as  have  survived  the  fray 

Return  again  on  Saturday. 

They    call    it    "  washing,"    but    the 

name 

111  fits  the  process  it  describes : 
The    wildest    beasts    are    meek    and 

tame , 

And  gentle  the  most  savage  tribes, 
Compared   with    those   who   rip   and 

rend 
The  garments  which  I  weekly  send. 

"Tis  far  from  soothing  to  the  nerves 
To  find  one's  collars  outside  in, 

Their  edges  folded  into  curves 
Suggesting  corrugated  tin, 

And  to  discover  they  reveal 

The  sharpness  of  Damascus  steel. 

And  when  I  find,  as  oft  I  do, 
The  button-holes  so  wildly  rent 

That    studs'    will    pass    completely 

through 
Without  the  least  impediment, 

I  cannot  think  of  words  to  suit 

A  form  of  torment  so  acute. 

To  wear  a  shirt  is  painful  if 

The    polished    front    from    end    to 
end 


Is  so  unreasonably  stiff 

That  neither  it  nor  I  can  bend. 
And  handkerchiefs  !     I  've  heaps 

them 
Mere  holes  surrounded  by  a  hem  ! 


of 


But  time  would  fail  me  to  recall 
The  varied  methods  of  attack, 

For  laundry  folk  are  one  and  all 
Distinguished  by  a  happy  knack 

Of  finding  what  they  seem  to  seek — 

New  tortures  each  returning  week. 


"  It  is  claimed  by  the  men  who  run  the 
alligator  farms  that  the  animals  are  easily 
domesticated  and  that  they  can  even  1*  trained 
to  serve  as  caretakers  for  small  children." 

Popular  Stienee  Sifting*. 

IT  is  these  popular  scientific  jour- 
nals which  do  more  than  anything 
else  to  keep  the  torch  of  knowledge 
burning. 

"  Politician,  abolish  thy»elf:" 
"One  of  their  most  enjoyable  treat!  in 
London  was  a  day  spent  with  Sir  Henry 
Campbell-Bannennan.  lie  invited  them  to  his 
home  for  the  day,  and  took  a  great  interest  in 
the  welfare  of  his  American  cousins,  who  say 
that  the  dignity  he  puts  on  in  the  House  of 
Ix>rds  is  thrown  away  in  his  home  and  among 
his  friends." 

POSSIBLY  some  of  these  other  peers 
are  really  quite  decent  fellows  in 
private  life. 


SOS 


PU.Nt  II.   OR  T1IK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


18.  1907. 


* 


L"\ 


•THAT'S  A  BKTTEB  OXE,  SIB.    Yoo  oar  A- A  BIT  o'  BOMETHIM'  OVKB  THAT  TIMR,  SIB." 


TMK  LATEST  CHOICE  BLEND. 

[We  had  hoped  this  week  to  give  our  readers 
•  special  treat.  A  well-known  lady  had 
promised  to  contribute  two  useful  columns  of 
hints  entitled  reajiectively  "  Mother's  1'ct " 
and  the  "Cook's  Comer."  We  are  afraid 
however  that  by  some  mistake  the  two  columns 
have  got  pinted  a*  one;  bat  to  show  our 
bona  fdet  in  the  matter,  we  have  decided  to 
reproduce  the  article  just  as  it  came  to  ua 
from  the  printer,  and  we  trust  that  our  lady 
readers  will  be  able  to  pii-k  up  a  useful  hint 
here  and  there.— ED.  J 

"  MOTUKK'S  PKT  COOK'S  COKNEB." 

Bathfulnets  in  Children  is  as  often 
as  not  an  acquired  taste,  but,  of 
course,  they  are  greiitly  improved  by 
being  fried  in  dripping.  Served  with 
gravy  generously  poured  round 
makes  them  much  less  awkward, 
ally  with  strangers.  A  child 
should  never  bo  allowed  to  become 
self-conscious,  and  its  mind  should 
be  kept  as  free  as  possible  from 
butter,  yolk  of  egg,  salt,  pepper,  and 
finely  chopped  parsley.  They  will 
then  develop  naturally,  und  liuvc  an 
pleasant  manner,  thickened  in 
the  usual  way  and  flavoured 
tomato  sauce. 

The  Mother  should  endeavour  t« 
accustom  her  infant  from  the  time  of 
its  birth  to  sleep  in  a  perfectly  clean 
saucepan  filled  with  boiling  water.  If 


the  child  shows  a  particular  inclina- 
tion to  repose,  stir  gently  for  twenty 
minutes  until  it  turns  a  nice  red 
colour.  A  child  of  seven  should 
sleep  about  eight  hours,  and  when 
the  ginger  is?  added  it  can  be  left  till 
next  day.  If  restless  during  the 
night  put  in  the  lemon-peel  and  pour 
into  dry  scalded  jars.  Brandy  paper 
will  not  be  necessary. 

The  Punishment  o/  Children 
should  be  infrequent,  selected  with 
judgment,  and  inflexibly  carried  out. 
It  is  a  good  plan — though  an  old- 
fashioned 'one  perhaps — to  beat  them 
to  a  thick  froth  and  let  them  simmer 
gently  for  two  or  three  minutes.  In 
doing  this  try  to  avoid  alike  the 
reality  and  appearance  of  passion,  or 
more  harm  than  good  will  he  the  re- 
sult. Try  to  •  the  Duality  <.f 
.,  which  should  be  strained 
through  a  tammy  cloth  or  fine  s 

young  children   should  not  be 
thwarted,  but  should  be  sent  to  table 

whole   On   tOB:- 

Whcn  yon  hear  a  child  cry  you  ma\ 
be  sure  there  is  s 

To  get  at  the  uiTowrtHjt  ni  tin-  I. 
is  the  mothi  i  and   she 

should  call  the  child  t»  In -r,   dip  it 
into  clean   water  till  cool,   and 
whisk  it  till  it  is  quite  white.     This 
ought  to  CM j P-  the  lilt!.-  sufferer's  pain 


for  the  time  being.      If,  however,  the 
crying  continues,  heat  gently  mi  both 
sides  with  the  rolling-pin,  endeavour- 
ing all  the  time  to  discmer  the  proxi 
mate  or  remote  causes  of  the  trouble, 
and    if    necessary    keep    in    the 
until  it  is  a  pale  golden  hrown.      I 
not,  of  course,   hesitate  to  call  in  a 
doctor  when  your  own  homely  ; 

bave  failed,   but  always  ivmem 
!..  r  that    the   little  one,   if  Kept    in   a 
stone   jar  closely   covered    from    the 
air,   will  continue  perfectly  g.Nxl   for 
Jlis. 


"MR.  PUNCH"  ANI>  TMK 
WEATHBB. 

IN    response    to    the    many    . 

spondelits     who     1:  rated 

with   Mr.    1'iim-h   on   the   tmfortunat 
conjunction  of  his  i  ather 

cartoon  with  the  arrival  of  summer 
he  begs  to  stale  that  he  has  always 
l.nown  that  there  has  never  been  a 
surer  :  obtaining  fine  w 

than    to    arrai 
bratii  'I  e\m  at   the 

' 

wise  thai  './r.    I'unrli,    in   the 

;  is     fellov  wil 

••    shrink    from     i 
.  further  sunny  spells  in  •  •    way. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-SETTEMBEB  18,  1907. 


THE    NEW    PENNY. 


DESIGNED  IX  ACCORDANCE   WITH    BRITANNIA'S  AERIAL  AMBITIONS. 


SEPTEMBER  18,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  211 


THE    GAME    AND    THE    TABLE. 

(A  Stealing  Lunch  at  a  Cottage.) 

First  Guest  (resting).  "  HAVE  YOC  BEARD  THE  NEWS  ?    COMPLETELY  SPOILT  MY  CAY  ! " 

Second  Quest.  "No.    NOTHING  SERIOUS,  I  HOPE?" 

First  Guest.  "  BsASTir  SERIOUS.    THEY'VE  FORGOTTEN  THE  LIQUEURS  !" 


MR.    PUNCH'S    LAST    LINES. 

IN  response  to  numerous  entreaties  Mr.  Punch  has 
decided  at  last  to  institute  a  Limerick  Competition  for 
which  all  may  enter.  The  conditions  of  such  competi- 
tions are  familiar  to  our  readers  by  this  time :  the  com- 
petitors will  be  required  to  complete  certain  Limericks, 
and  to  enclose  with  each  attempt  a  postal  order  for 
sixpence — the  whole  of  the  prize  money  being  divided 
among  the  proprietors.  In  order  to  ensure  impartiality, 
Mr.  Punch  has  arranged  that  the  attempts  shall  be 
judged  by  a  committee  consisting  of — 

1.  Mr.  JOSEPH  LYONS, 

2.  Mr.  HAYDEN  COFFIN, 

3.  Sir  HOWARD  VINCENT, 
and  their  decision  will  be  final. 

The  Limericks  to  be  completed  will  be  found  below. 
In  each  case  Mr.  Punch  gives  the  last  line,  and  readers 
are  required  to  furnish  the  first  four.  Care  should  be 
taken  to  maintain  the  excellent  rhythm  of  Mr.  Punch's 
line,  while  marks  will  also  be  given  for  wit,  neatness, 
and  sly  allusiveness. 

1.  Ami  so  now  he  is  "  hung  "  on  the  Lyne  ("  line  "). 
[Rhymes:  Mine,  thine,  crime,  lion,  BINYON,  Ac.] 

2.  So  he  sighed.  And  she  said,  "  So  (sew)  and  so  (sow)." 
[Bltymes:  Oh,  no,  go,  and  one  or  two  others.] 


"  Art  (also  short  for  ARTHUR)  is  long,"  she  replied, 

"  and  Life  is  short." 
[Rhymes:  Ought,  sought,  sort,  cot,  Ac.] 
But  she  wired,  "  Come  at  once,  it  's  twins." 
[Rhymes:  Skins,  him,  G.  R.  SIMS,  Ac.] 
Well,  she  "  cut  "  him  before  he  could  say  "  knife." 
[Rhymes:  Wife  and  strife.] 
"  Brief  life,"  he  replied,  "  is  our  portion." 
[Rhymes:  Caution,  obsession,  nation,  pushing,  Ac.] 
7.  "Wholly   'orders'    '    (Holy  Orders)   the   Manager 

sighed. 
[Rhymes:  Inside  and  outside.] 


0. 


"The  Cambridge  Local  Examination  for  Senior  Students  will  be 
held  on  10th  December,  1907.  No  student  born  before  15th  Decem- 
ber, 1907,  can  be  admitted  to  the  Examination." — The  Atpirant. 

"Mr.  James  Pain,  a  hale  old  gentleman  of  67,  told  a  Morning  Leader 
representative  that  he  remembered  quite  well  the  sensational  voyage  of 
the  Sirius  in  1838." — 7ri«/»  Indeprndcnt. 

WHAT  makes  Mr.  PAIN  remember  it  so  clearly  is  that 
he  had  just  passed  the  Cambridge  Local  Examination  for 
Senior  Students  at  the  time. 


Our  Difficult  Language. 
FROM  a  bill  prominently  displayed  at  Aberfaldy : 

"  Messrs.  A — —  and  C will  run  a  coach  daily  on  alternate  days 

throughout  the  season." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SOTTMBEB    18,    1907. 


EXTRACTS   FROM   A   PRODIGY  S 
DIARY. 

(Sort  Jutamtt  aflrr  tin  eonfetuOtm*  of 
fAartrM  m  "'7 In  roll  UaU  UayatiM.") 

MAMMA  has  given  me  this  book,  in 
which  I  am  to  write  down  all  my 
thoughts  nii.l  feelings  and  adven- 
tures. It  is  of  course  to  be  strictly 
private.  Then  when  I  am  fifty  ami 
mamma  is  seventy  we  shall  rca  I  it 
together,  and  after  shedding  a  few 
natural  tears,  consign  it  to  the  v 
paper  basket.  Papa,  however,  is 
sceptical,  and  prophosies  that  it  will 
be  pubttafaed,  with  illustrations,  in  the 
Prattler  in  about  three  months'  time. 
But.  as  mamma  says,  papa  has  no 
conception  of  the  responsibilities  of 
his  position. 

***** 

My  mamma  says  I  am  to  write 
down  every tiling.  This  is  rather  a 
large  order,  but  1  must  do  my  best. 
Children,  however  talented,  ought  to 
obey  their  parents.  So  1  got  up  be- 
fore five  o'clock  to  fill  my  fountain 
pen.  When  I  went  in  ail  dressed  to 
say  "  Good  morning  "  to  papa,  he 
said  I  was  a  very  naughty  child,  and 
was  to  go  to  bed  at  once.  He  said  I 
was  like  the  man  in  the  comic  song 
who  promised  to  call  his  friend  at 
half-past  three  and  knocked  him  up 
at  half-past  one  to  tell  him  that  he 
had  two  more  hours  to  sleep.  Really 
papa  is  most  inconsiderate.  I  told 
him  that  HORACE  says  "  Maxima 
drhetur  pueris  revercntia,"  but  he 
only  laughed  and  said,  "  HORACE  was 
a  confirmed  old  bachelor." 

***** 

Offerings  of  the  most  costly  de- 
scription keep  coming  in  to  me  from 
people  that  I  do  not  know.  Diamond 
rings  and  snuff-boxes  and  fish-knives. 
Mamma  gets  annoyed  with  the  fish- 
knives,  which  she  says  are  duplicate 
wedding  presents  which  people  arc 
only  too  glad  to  get  rid  of.  A  South- 
African  millionaire  sent  me  a  live 
ostrich.  We  only  kept  it  for  two 
days,  as  all  the  servants  threatened 
to  give  notice,  and  papa  said  he 
couldn't  keep  a  bird  which  ate  his 
safety-razors.  Still  it  is  something 
to  look  back  upon.  MOZART  was 
given  snuff-boxes,  but  no  one  ever 
presented  him  with  an  ostrich. 
***** 

This  afternoon  I  roamed  about  the 
grounds  playing  on  my  portable  cot- 
tage piano  to  all  the  live-stock.  I 
played  a  Tschaikowsky  Concerto  to 
the  hens,  but  they  and  the  cook 
said  it  would  prevent  their  laying. 
Why  are  cooks  so  lacking  in  poetic 
feeling?  Then  1  played  to  the  rab- 
bits, but  they  got  frightened.  J'.ut 


my    guinea-pig    keeps    on     listening, 
especially   when    I   tie   him   up  to   the 
•:  roller  and  he  ca:  twity. 

1    played   great  slow    i  '*   by 

HI.I.I:  'hint's    by 

And    I    played    M\\    1 
and    Sriiu  ss.      And    then    long   coin 
positions  by  me.    At  last  th--  guinea- 
pig    fell    asleep,    and    then    1    | 

.H  AbcndUed. 

***** 

I  am  reading  HI:NKY  .T  \MI:S'S  novels 
to  improve  my  style.  I  shall  call 
my  next  doll  "  Mai-i ••."  Papa 
that  reading  llixuv  JAMES  is  like 
wading  through  glue;  but  papa  is  a 
Philistine.  1  am  sorry  to  say  that 
the  guinea-pig  is  dead.  Papu 
that  it  was  caused  by  cerebral  men- 
ingitis caused  by  an  overdose  of 
Hun.  I  think  I  shall  send  the 
guinea-pig  to  Sir  HAY  LANKF.STKK  to 
find  out.  I  am  sad  for  the  sorriness 
of  all  these  things,  but,  as  the  late 
Sir  RICHARD  JEBB  once  said  to  me, 
"  xoXfira  TO  «oXu."  1  am  composing  a 
Funeral  March  to  my  guinea-pig.  I 
played  some  of  it  this  afternoon  to 
my  kitten,  and  she  cried  quite  loud. 
It  is  a  pity  there  is  so  much  grief  in 
this  world,  but  after  all  tears  are 

much  less  vulgar  than  laughter. 

***** 

One  year  ago  to-day  the  GERMAN 
KMTEROR  kissed  me.  Mamma  says  I 
not  write  any  more  to-day. 
But  I  must  put  down  that.  I  have 
sent  him  a  picture  post-card  with 
"  To  the  Wonder-King  from  the 
Wonder-Child."  When  I  told  this 
to  papa,  he  said,  "  If  you  don't  take 
care  you  'II  find  a  Red  Eagle  in  the 
poultry -yard  one  fine  morning."  I 
am  afraid  papa  is  suffering  from  senile 

dementia. 

***** 

We  are  going  to  America  on  tour! 
I  wanted  to  take  my  pony  and  the 
dogs  with  me,  but  papa  says  there 
would  he  difficulty  with  the  customs. 
I  am  afraid  I  shall  not  like  the  cus- 
toms of  the  Americans,  but  it  will 
not  do  to  yield  to  prejudice.  Be- 
sides, as  mamma  says,  "  II  fattt 
touffrir  pour  (Ire  belle."  A  sudden 
thought  occurs  to  me.  Am  1  writ- 
his  diary  for  private  or  public 
circulation?  I  have  asked  mamma, 
and  she  says  that  I  am  growing  more 
and  moro  like  MARII:  MASIIKIKTSKFF 
day.  When  I  told  this  to 
he  said,  "  She  means  M.uur. 
COKKI.I.I,"  and  recommended  me  to 
my  rocking-horse  t<>  g,  t  into 
training  for  the  voyage.  1'apa  is 
really  most  unfeeling  and  ignorant. 
CORELLI'S  name  was  not  MAKII:,  hut 
Aid.!  Papa  is  opposed  to  our 

going   t<-   America,    because   ho  says 
that  nil  American  children  are  prodi- 


and  that  I  shan't  get  any  show. 

.nil  see. 

***** 

WASHINGTON.-  Papa  was  quite 
right  about  the  American  customs, 
which  are  most  peculiar.  I  have 
l.'-en  with  mamma  to  tho  White 

HOUS  the      I'l'.KMI   : 

The  PkKsiiij.NT  is  a  sort  of  King  of  the 

.    hut    he   alw 

plain  clothes  without  a  crown.    When 

mamma  asked  him  didn't  hi'  think  1 

i.led    MAKIK    HASHKIKTSKFF,    he 

said,  "The  Kates  furhid.  "     It 

d  when  I  told  him  that  1  had  a 
pony,  hut  when  I  explained  that  it 
was  only  •,  he 

looked  quite  annoyed.      While  I  was 
playing     liven     he     fidgeted     » 
deal  and   li«>ked   at    his  watch,   and   ut 
the  end  he  sa:  :  afraiil  h> 

M  II.       He    d 

even  when    we   went    away. 

Mamma    was    very    hrave,    l.ut 
and  held  my  hand  tight  all  the  way 
home.     On    the    whole    I    prefer    the 
GERMAN-  KMIT.KOK  to  the  I'KKSII 
***** 

HOME  AGAIN. — This  has  been  a 
tragic  day.  No  pr  ot  even  a 

fish-knife,  arrived  by  the  morning 
post.  Then  mamma  had  to  go  to 
town  to  see  an  editor.  Papa,  who 
had  a  holiday,  went  off  to  play  golf, 
and  I  was  left  alone  with  Kraulein, 
who  says  that  I  am  an  abnormal 
child.  In  the  afternoon  a  newspaper 
man  and  a  photographer  came  to 
interview  me  and  take  pictures.  In 
tho  middle  of  this,  papa,  who  in'//  not 
take  me  seriously,  came  baek  from 
his  golf  and  simply  spoiled  every- 
thing. He  told  the  newspaper  man 
that  our  donkey  was  so  musical  that 
it  brayed  in  the  interval  of  the  sub- 
merged tenth,  that  he  himself  had  a 
"thorough  bass"  voice,  and  that 
mamma  was  a  distant  cousin  of  the 
Duke  of  KIKK,  which  accounted  for 
my  genius.  When  mamma  came 
home  and  found  out  what  had  hap- 
pened she  eric. I.  and  said  that  papa 
had  ruined  my  career,  and  tele- 
graphed to  the  newspaper  to  hold 
back  the  intervi.  vv.  I  wish  1  had  a 

serious  papa,  like  JOHN  Siru;r  MII.I,. 
***** 

A    terrible    thing    has    hap; 
Papa  has  seen  this  I>iarv,  and  he  has 
threatened    to  'lit     it 

himself,  and  publish  it  under  the  title 
"The  Trials  of  a   IVodiey's   Parent." 
in  despair  until    mamma  sug- 
gested that  the  only  thing  to  do  was 
blish    it    at   '  i    protest. 

It  is,  of  course,   a  bitter  disappoint- 
ment  to   mamma  not   to   wait   until 
she   is  seventy   to   read   what    I    have 
written,    but    with    such    a    pii] 
mine  half  measures  ar>' 


18,  1907.]  PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


213 


DRAMATISTS'    MOUNTAINEERING    TRAGEDIES.      REAL    AND    OTHERWISE. 

SUGGESTED  BT  THE  WELSH  VAGARIES  or  "  0.  B.  S." 


Owing  to  a  very  natural  optical  illusion,  the  incandescent  occiput  of  our 
friend  Mr.  A.  \V.  PINERO  (out  for  a  stroll  in  the  higher  Alps)  is  mistaken  by 
Ameiicnn  enthusiasts  for  the  summit  of  Monte  Rosa  by  sunrise. 


Man  and  Ilinterman  ;  or,  Johu  Doll's  other  advertiser. 


Mother,  listen  to  Alfred. 

"  The  illuminated  beau- 
ties of  the  great  floating 
palace  stood  there  preg- 
nantly silhouetted  against 
the  dim  starlight,  resem- 
bling some  gorgeous  and 
majestic  transformation 
scheme  arranged  by  the 
surpassing  genius  of  a 
spectacular  artist." 
.Manchester  Journal  of 
Commerce. 

"  Dr.  Talbot,  the  Bishop  of 
Southwark,  surprised  a  party  of 
civilian  shots  by  his  unexpected 
presence  at  the  shooting  range 
on  Saturday.  He  shot  himself, 
and,  at  a  pinch,  presented  the 
prizes." — nest  Sussex  Gazelle. 

IN  the  excitement  of 
shooting  at,  and  appa- 
rently missing,  himself, 
his  lordship  might  well 
need  to  be  reminded  of  his 
promise  to  present  the 
prises. 

"  Xow  is  the  freak  potato 
season.  One  showing  a  great 
resemblance  to  a  duck  or  a  seal 
re  iched  us  this  morning." 

Dundee  Ktening  Telegraph. 

Tire  resemblance  must 
Lave  been  remarkable. 


Mr.  J.  M.  BABRIE  (run  to  earth  at  last  in  deepest  Surrey). 
"  Me  lost  in  the  Tlimalayies  ? !     Losh  mon  !  (not  to  mention  '  Hoots/Toots, 
Havers,  and  Aiblins')  ye  maun  hae  bin  meesinformit !      It's  no'  for  a 
modest  mon  like  me  to  do  sic  a  pushfu',  edvertisin',  j'urrnaleestic  theng !  " 


Adjectives  to  Burn. 

"  The  gardens  are  exceptionally 
picturesque,  the  mo  lern  and  the 
new  being  blended  with  good 
taste."— The  Hereford  Time*. 

ALL  the  same,  we  are 
old-fashioned  enough  to 
have  rather  a  weakness 
for  a  judicious  interming- 
ling of  the  ancient  and 
the  old. 


" '  All  right,  darling.  It '»  only 
your  husband  returned  home  late. 
tin  back  to  bed,' shouted  a  burxlur 
up  the  stairs  to  a  woman  whom 
he  hnd  aroused.  Itprugnising 
that  it  was  not  the  voice  of  her 
husband,  she  raided  an  alarm, 
but  the  thief  managed  to  get 
away." 

I.icerpool  Ereniny  Kxpres*. 

PERHAPS  it  was  the 
"  darling  "  which  gave 
him  away. 


"  The  Chairman  said  the  hospi- 
tal had  been  built  over  20  years 
and  cost  £700,  and  only  one 
patient  had  been  in  it,  and  that 
was  from  drinking  too  much  cold 
water  on  board  ship." — Lincoln- 
shire Free  Prest. 

Tins  just  shows  how  neces- 
sary it  is  to  be  ready  for 
every  emergency. 


I'll 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LnNPnN    CHARIVARI,  turn  IS 


THE    SEPTEMBER    HOLIDAY.-I. 

THE  MUST  EVKNINO    C..TO  P.M.     KAPTTRE  AKD  «o>i  • 


CHARIVARIA. 
first  war  airship  has  been 
christened  "  Null!  SccuiiJtis."  An 
Irish  contemporary  nu-.v  informs  us 
that  an  improvement  on  this  experi- 
mental vessel  is  shortly  to  be  built, 
niul  that  it  will  probably  be  called 

"  Nulli  Tertius." 

*  * 

Further  economies  are  said  to  be 
e..ntemplate.l  by  Mr.  HAI.DANK,  and 
new  sources  of  revenue  are  to  be 
tapped.  For  example,  contracts,  it 
is  rumoured,  have  b.-i-n  eiiterecl  into 
nft  a  result  of  which  all  our  war  air- 
ships will  be  inscribed  on  the  one 
side,  "  fiuy  So-and-So's  Cigars," 
and  on  the  other,  "  Eat  What's-his- 

nat ne's  Sausages." 

*  * 

One  cannot  with  justice  accuse  tin- 
Trade  Unionists  of  being  narrow- 
minded.  They  now  demand  that  a 
pension  of  five  shillings  a  week  shall 
be  given  to  "  all  persons  "  over  sixty. 
Millionaires,  it  will  be  noted,  are  to 
enjoy  the  same  blessing  as  others. 

Messrs.  Cuosnn.n  AND  SONS  have 
reduced  the  price  of  some  of  their 
soap  by  a  hal:  l.-t.  thus 

rendering  it  possible   for   their 


tomers  to  buy  The  Ihiilij  Mail  as  well 
as  the  soap  without  an  increase  of 
their  former  expenditure. 

*  * 

A  wealthy  landed  proprietor  of 
lluetzow,  Mecklenburg  --Schwerin, 
has  committed  suicide,  and  left  be- 
hind him  a  statement  to  the 
that  he  took  his  life  merely  because 
the  worries  of  the  administration  of 
his  money  weighed  too  heavily  upon 
his  mind.  This  is  all  the  more  sad  in 
that  it  now  transpires  that  many 
persons  would  hav>>  been  willing  to 
relieve  him  of  the  cause  ot  the 

worries. 

*  * 

few  persons  find  anything  nowa- 
days to  say  in  favour  of  publicans 
that  wv  were  pleased  to  see  a  journal 
drawing  attention  last  week  to  the 
fact  that  they  are  said  to  enjoy  t!.. 
highest  rate  of  mortal/ 

The  fuel  that  it  bus  l»-  n  decided 
that  after  all  the  new  theatre  in 
Shaftesbury  Avenue  shall  be  called 
not  the  Central  but  the  Qn 

;s   said    to   ha-.  d    the 

st  satisfaction  at   Buckingham 

Palace. 

*  * 

Th-  M.    Sir 


makes   the    n .;  proposal    that 

there  should  !  Tin 

u'ait  ot  all  the  existing  steamshij 
doubtedly  leaves  much 

at  tin 

*  * 

An  unpatriotic  American  politician 

is     that     the      I  L 

swear  more  than  any  other  nation  on 

earth. 

*  * 

At  last  a  practical  plan  for  th- 
vision  of  dustless  roads  has  1 i  per- 

i.    and    pedestrians   are   del 
At  the  possibility  of  a  cleaner  death. 

It    is    interest  is  ,    .teh     the 

spread  of  luxur\ .  -I.er's 

shop  in  the   HiL'h    I;,  .ad.  Kdmontoi), 

the    following  w    be 
seen:  — 

i:\s-,  MI\MN,,  i 

-II    \V  Ml 

*  * 

"  Visitors  are  n  .pi.  st,  ,1  ; 

the  fish 

•    in  a  Strand  restaurant.        N.-r- 

>r  that   tl 

a    reflection    on    tho    food    Supplied, 
until  their  attention     .   dn 

tank  containing:  yold  t. 

*  * 

Slij  L   skina  are   said   to 


18.  1907-] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


215 


THE    SEPTEMBER    HOLIDAY.-II. 

SAME  EVENING- 6.45  P.M.    THE  "IUUVESTEB"  HOME. 


be     responsible     for     an     increasing 
number    of     street     accidents.     We 
believe  that  the  danger  may  be  mini 
mised  by  wearing  skates. 

*  *. 

A  Carnarvon  gentleman  has  left 
£1,500  to  be  held  in  trust  for  the 
maintenance  of  his  pet  animals. 
There  was,  we  understand,  consider- 
able disappointment  among  the  quad- 
rupeds when  they  learned  that, 
under  the  terms  of  the  will,  they  may 
not  touch  the  capital. 

*  * 
* 

By  means  of  grafting  an  apple  has 
now  been  produced  which  has  the 
distinct  flavour  of  a  cherry,  and 
persons  endowed  with  appropriate 
mouths  will  be  able  to  have  great  fun 
playing  Cherry  Bob  with  the  new 
fruit. 


According  to  Woman  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Ladies'  Shooting  Club 
which  has  just  been  formed  have  for 
their  chief  aim  the  protection  of 
themselves  against  burglars.  In  view 
of  this  statement  we  were  grieved  to 
read  the  other  day  that  a  naughty 
liousebreaker  had  deprived  a  lady  of 
a  revolver  with  which  she  had  threat- 
ened him,  and  used  it  against  herself. 


Our   burglars   must   really   play    the 
game. 

V 

A  woman  has  been  discovered  al 
Halle,  in  Germany,  who,  while  in  a 
trance,  paints  most  beautiful  and 
artistic  pictures,  although  in  her 
waking  moments  she  has  no  know- 
ledge at  all  of  drawing  or  painting. 
The  interesting  proposal  has  now 
been  made  that  some  of  our  R.A.'s 
shall,  experimentally,  be  thrown  into 
trances. 

TIME  THE  CONSOLER. 
KIVER,  that,  so  I  learnt  last  moon 
From     guides     (who     would     not 

gammon), 
Was     crowded,     till     the     creatures 

swoon 

For  want  of  space,  with  salmon, 
Why  do  your  banks  insult  me  still 

(For  days  in  hope  and  doubt  trod) 
\\  lii-re  native  skill  is  known  to  kill 
Sea-serpents  on  a  trout-rod  ! 

In  vain  I  "ve  fastened  overnight 
My  gaudiest  feather  bunch  on, 

And  wooed  their  palates  with  a  light 
Sustaining  insect-luncheon ; 

In    vain    I  've    flung    my    cleverest 

throw, 
The  brutes  have  sworn  a  grim  pact, 


(When  deep  below  they  mark  that 

blow) 
To  disregard  its  impact. 

The  luck  is  out :  and  yet  my  heart 

A  far-off  cheer  discovers, 
For  Time  can  ease  an  angler's  smart 

As  well  as  that  of  lovers. 
Though  summer  sees  him  vainly  plod 

The  distant  prospect  brightens, 
A  fireside  rod  can  flout  the  god 

And  capture  clean-run  Tritons. 

Here  in  this  hazel-shaded  pool 

Where,  truant  from  his  shallows, 
A  troutlet  of  the  infant  school 

Has  made  my  lino  his  gallows  ; 
Just    here    (the    season    past)    shall 
rise 

That  monstrous  finny  wonder, 
Who   seized   my   flies    with    flaming 
eyes 

And  bore  away  his  plunder. 

Or   (likelier   still)   when    faith   grows 
strong 

In  deeds  that  hope  suggested, 
And  intervals  are  far  too  long 

For  statements  to  be  tested, 
This  shall  be  just  the  very  reach 

(Where      spite      their     desperate 

flounders) 
[  hauled  to  beach  (two  hours  for  each) 

My  brace  of  sixteen-poundere. 


PUNCH,   OR  THK    I.nNDON   HI  A II I VAKI. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Punch'*  Sta/  of  Learned  Clerk*.) 
The   lliiiny  Day  is  not  the  sort  of 

with     Which      we     have     grown     1; 

familiar   during    this   dem'd,    ii 

ml  against  which  we  are  ad\: 
•- i-rli  to  lay  by,  and  the  lady  who  In 
during  "1  •  n  <>f  iin  .1,"  is 

.in  Mr*.  (\ivfU',  iif  Chipham.  The 
author  of  this  third  Tale  from  the  Great  CHy  knows 
Clapham  and  its  people  as  well  as  the  stationiiia- 
Claphain  Junction  must  know  the  details  of  the  traffic 
under  his  care.  Mrt.  Caccll  is  a  mast, 
is  a  Napoleonic  grandeur  about  her  Icng  campaign  with 
grinding  poverty,  during 
which,  by  unflinchingly 
taking  care  of  the  far- 
things, she  contrives  to 
lay  by  two  thousand 
pounds.  I'ufortunately 
tii.  pounds  did  not  take 
care  of  themselves.  They 
were  stolen  in  one  fell 
swoop  by  the  black  sheep 
of  the  family.  That  was 
Mr*.  Cavell's  Moscow. 
After  it  she  still  carried  on 
her  awful  warfare  with 
poverty,  still  lived  her 
godless,  loveless,  pitiless, 
cold  -  blooded,  tyrannical 
life,  and  was  still  spoken 
of  by  the  vicar  as  an  ex- 
emplary woman,  till  death 
at  last  freed  her  children 
from  her  cruel  despotism. 
The  author's  weapons  are 
the  rapier  of  satire  and  the 
bludgeon  of  hard,  naked, 
ugly  facts.  In  his  heart 
he  carries  a  real  love  for 
the  "  modest  and  endur- 
ing courage  which,  be- 
neath all  their  vulgarity, 
folly,  and  little  social 
errors,  animates  and 
sanctifies  the  London 
suburbs,"  and  his  book 
is  certainly  one  of  the  most 
remarkable  studies  of  London  life  which  has  ever  been 
written. 


:•  1ns  shoulder!,  whilst  n  truly  Yirgilia! 
Tin-]-'-  is  also  a  "  b> 

• 

haii  Hut  much 

of  I;  .s  frankly  in  : 

(••It  const riiiin  -d  to  <\i-~: 

'     of    l)|..    Mtllil1 

.it  all     or  lit  !   mi 

•    (with  no  compensation)  t 

end. 


THE    TRAMP-DISSUADER. 


\V.  missed  the  publication  of  Celibate  Sarah  and  Juicy 
Joe,  and  therefore  cannot  say  whether  Mr.  JAMES  BLYTII 
is  less  happy  than  of  old,  but  in  A  Woman  »/  Character 
(\VIIITE)  he  introduces  us  to  a  lot  of  very  vulgar  people, 
and  then  rather  unreasonably  expects  us  to  be  absorbed  in 
their  commonplace  carryings  on.  The  heroine  is  a  sea- 
side boarding-house  edition  of  Becky  Sharp,  present. d  in 
an  atmosphere  of  bloaters,  confetti,  and  "  fags;  "  but 
the  author,  when  he  drew  the  picture,  seems  to  have 
been  standing  a  trifle  too  near  the  marine  parade  to  obtain 
the  necessary  artistic  •  re  is,  however,  one 

of  the  best  "  bull-saves  "  (if  we  may  coin  n  word)  in  tliis 
book  that  we  ever  came  across.  Instead  of  lavishing 
portions  of  his  attire  on  the  infuriated  animal,  Cradock 
D'F.Ktrrrf  deftly  luroa  him  onto  the  preserves  of  a  bovine 
rival,  and  makes  for  tho  nearest  fence  (with  the  young 


n:i;ir  VIT.TIC  IMTTF.KS. 

• 

WHY  j>lay  on  one  Golf  course  all  through  tin 
tioii'.'     Thanks 

Sy: 

missing    links  in 

•     , 

will    shortly 

and  .  '  ''-ami 

•t    Tour, 

tinnitus      portion      of      it, 
I.      Tin'  great   nilvan- 

of       till 

that  one  ' 

ing    •  i 

bunker,      worm.  east 

what 

hygienic  holidny-miiki: 

Thus,   starting  from   Si. 
Andrews,    a    ;  aiul 

.-•y   trip  of   1,H(X)  I 
may    bo    taken    to    E 
borough    via    North     ' 
wick,    Bamborough,    llar- 
tlepool  and  Whir 
ing  off  from  th--  K"\al  ami 

-••    at    the 

beginning    of    September. 
a    scratch     jilayer    should 
arrive  (carrying  the  !-• 
what  extensi.  link- 

ers) at  N 

in  about  five  weeks.  aiul 
hole  out  in  the  huh  of  the 
Yorl.  i  l'\-  tin- 

r. 

The  time  for  the  com- 
plete course  will  vary  from 
one  to  two  or  more  years  according  to  handicap  and  the 
vicissitudes  of  fortune;  and  a  few  hints  may  he 
to  players  contemplating  an  e\tendi-d  tour. 

All  balls,  for  instance,  should  be  clearly  marked  \\itli 
the  owner's  name  and  address,  to  prevent  tin  ir  loss  in 
the  Wash  or  other  incidental  estuaries,   and   r.  ! 
caddies  should  be  order.  .1  in  advan 

The  West  Coast  of  Scotland,  again,  is  to  he  avoided  hy 

all  but  expert  players,  owing  to  th.  a«  ha/anls 

and  difficult  lies  around  Hum  and  tin-  Mull  of  Cantire. 

../.ard,   too,   is  a  provoking  .   and  a   pulled 

hall  has  often  been  known  at  Porlock  I  '.ay. 

In    conclusion    it    is    cheerfully    anticipat.  d    that     tho 


presence  of  innumerable 


\  'la\  .  rs  on  th 


rocky  li  ..ard  will  do  much  to  supply 

utal.le  il  of  storii  |  in  the 

of  a  sudfi'-n  invasion  from  Norway  or  elsewhere, 
•<>den  clubs  and  ruhhcr  cores  of  old  I  will  be 

an  invaluable 


0EPTCMBEB  25,  1907.]  PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


217 


A   BURGLARY   IN   TWO  VERSIONS. 
HESS. 

IT  was  last  Tuesday.  I  have 
always  known,  and  said,  that  they 
would  come,  but  it  is  sometimes  a 
dreadful  thing  to  be  a  successful 
prophet.  Yet,  curiously  enough,  my 
first  thought  was — perhaps  Ilrr.i-nu1 
will  admit  now  that  I  was  right!  He 
has  always  laughed  at  the  idea  of 
Burglars. 

There  was  no  doubt  about  it  now ; 
I  could  distinctly  hear  their  steady 
filing.  Oli!  it  was  awful — simply 
awful !  I  had  been  reading  Oliver 
Twist  aloud  that  evening,  and  now  I 
imagined  a  man  like  Hill  Hikes  burst- 
ing his  way  into  the  bedroom. 
HUBERT  is  fairly  muscular,  I  sup- 
pose, but  I  recognised  that  he  would 
be  as  a  child  in  the 
grasp  of  such  a  man. 
I  felt  that  it  would 
bo  best  for  him  to 
throw  himself  upon 
the  creature's  mercy. 

He  was  still  sleep- 
ing peacefully.  1 
think  he  would 
sleep  through  an 
earthquake !  It  took 
quite  a  sharp  blow  to 
wake  him.  "  There 
are  burglars  in  the 
house,"  I  whispered; 
"you  must  go 
down." 

I  hope  he  is  sorry 
now  for  what  he 
said.  He  spoke 

very   f  o  o  1  i  shly  at 
first,  and  even  swore 
slightly.     Then  he  said 
ninth    time    in    three 


eyes  that  I  shall  never  forget.  There 
was  somothing  so  pathetic  about  it ! 
"Good-bye,  dear!  "  he  said,  and  I 
scarcely  recognised  his  voice,  it  was 
so  gentle.  "  If — if  anything  vhould 
happen  to  me,  tell  your  Aunt  that  I 
forgave  her  freely  and  fully !  " 

It  seemed  a  beautiful  thing  to  say 
at  such  a  moment,  and  it  has  made 


me     see 
HUBERT'S 


what 
really 


a 

is. 


noble     nature 
I    told    dear 


Aunt  JANE  about  it  afterwards,  but 
somehow  it  scarcely  seemed  to  please 
her.  She  has  never  really  understood 
him.  But  I  saw  uow  that  lie  had  a 
foreboding  of  danger,  and  was  only 
going  down  out  of  reckless  bravado. 
I  remembered  that  everything  was 
fully  insured,  and  I  felt  that  if  I 
played  the  coward  I  could  save  dear 
HUBERT'S  pride. 


nerve. 


THE    FLYMAN'S    FOE. 


"  This  is  the 
weeks    that 


you  "ve  heard  them,  and  what  with 
my  insomnia  and  your  burglars  I 
shall  soon  be  fit  for  a  madhouse !  " 

HUBERT  deceives  himself  about  his 
sleep,  but  it  was  no  moment  for  idle 
recriminations.  I  just  told  him  to 
listen,  and  then  in  the  moonlight  I 
could  see  his  face  grow  pale. 

He  got  slowly,  very  slowly,  out  of 
bed,  and  found  his  father's  old  revol- 
ver. Even  then,  even  at  that  dread- 
ful moment,  I  was  glad  that  I  have 
never  allowed  him  to  get  any  cart- 
ridges. For  it  seemed  positively  to 
wobble  in  his  grasp. 

Of  course,  his  hand  was  shaking 
with  the  cold.  And  that  was  pro- 
bably why  both  our  teeth  were  click- 
ing together  quite  musically.  And 
anyway,  I  am  quite,  quite  certain 
that  he  would  be  brave  as  any  lion 
in  the  daytime. 

And  he  was  brave,  even  then.  He 
walked  slowly  towards  the  door,  and 
then  turned  to  me  with  a  look  in  his 


So  I  jumped  out  of  bed,  and 
caught  hold  of  him,  and  said  that  I 
wouldn't  be  left  alone.  I  really  think 
I  did  it  rather  well,  and  certainly  it 
is  almost  the  first  time  tha.t  HUBERT 
has  agreed  to  anything  without  argu- 
ment. On  this  occasion  he  let  him- 
self be  persuaded — well,  quite  easily. 
Then  he  barricaded  the  door  with 
furniture,  and  we  went  back  to  bed. 

Some  silly  people  baye  suggested 
that  there  were  no  burglars  at  all, 
just  because  something  frightened 
them  away  Jbefore  they  could  get  in. 
But  could  both  HUBERT  and  I  have 
heard  them  filing,  if  they  were  not 
there?  This  seems  to  me  conclusive, 
as  the  papers  say. 

His. 

Last  Tuesday  the  burglars  whom 
MABEL  has  so  long  expected  really 
came.  She  has  heard  them  pretty 
constantly,  but  this  was  genuine.  She 
has  the  luck  to  sleep  soundly,  and  it 
was  I  who  heard  them  first.  No  one, 
except  people  with  restless  brains 


like  WINSTON  CHUKCHILL,  Sr.YM«iru 
HICKS,  and  myself,  can  realise  what 
sleeplessness  moans  !  I  hud  been  lis 
tcniiig  to  them  for  some  minutes, 
when  MAI:KI,  drove  her  elbow  into  my 
ribs.  It  was  a  cruel  blow,  but  1 
regained  command  of  myself  in  a 
moment. 

l>on't    be    frightened,"     I 
quietly.       '  There  are  burglars  in  tin- 
house,  and  I  must  go  down." 
I  didn't  like  it  much,  of  >•- 
but  something  had  to  be  done.     I 
sides,  a  householder  lias  responsibili- 
ties   which    certain    ribald    bachelors 
cannot  understand.     And  anyway  it 
was  rather  exciting.       I  got  my  re- 
volver, and  was  just  tiptoeing   from 
the    room,    hoping    to    surprise    the 
fellows,     when          MAHKL     lost      her 
She  had  been  reading  dUn  r 
Twist  the  evening  be- 
fore,      and       women 
seem     to     have     far 
more    vivid    imagina- 
tions than  men.    ! 
little   thing,   she  said 
she   couldn't    bo    left 
alone,     and     became 
hysterical,  flinging  to 
me,  and  all  that  sort 
of  thing  ! 

I  was  rather  sick 
at  missing  the 
chance  of  a  pot  at 
those  burglars,  but 
1  didn't  see  that  I 
could  leave  her. 
However,  as  it 
turned  out  I  man: 
to  frighten  them 
away.  I  shouldn't 
dream  of  laughing  at 
MABEL  for  what  she  did.  I  fancy 
that  she  is  as  brave  as  most  women 
as  a  rule  —  at  any  rate  in  daylight. 

Our  Glorious  Game. 
THE  nrmour  that  "  Linesman  " 
"had  emigrated  to  America  is  un- 
founded. What  gave  rise  to  it  was 
the  appearance  in  The  Daily  Tele- 
graph of  the  following  message  from 
that  paper's  special  correspondent 
with  the  M.C.C.  team: 


"There  was  a  great  crowd   of  , 

although  few  of  them  knew  very  little  uf  (lie 
tenets  of  the  game." 


Our  Inglorious  Game. 
"  FOOTBALL  is  evidently  settling 
down  into  something  more  like  what 
is  expected.  .  .  The  match  at  Hyde 
Koad  was  marked  by  a  regrettable  in- 
cident, for  the  referee  found  it  neces- 
sary to  send  off  Stewart,  and  after- 
wards there  was  some  stone-throw- 
ing at  the  referee."— Manchester 
Daily  Dispatch. 


THE    TOWER. 

DAD  took  us  to  London  the  other  .lay.  We  i.-. •(  then 
pretty  early,  and  Dad  put  us  ill  a  with  liiiu  at 

Liverpool   Street  niul   we  drove  off  t<>  see   the   Tower  of 

Imi.     Tlu>  Tower  was  all  right,  ami  tin-  crowns  \ 
gorgeous,  but  tlii-y  've  got  too  many  old  swords  and  suits 
of  aniiour  stuck  all  over  tin-   place.       One's  j'.ist   like 
another,  and  anyhow  they  're  no  use  now.      '  •  \>  r 

wears  armour  in  tiattlcs.  Hut  I  don't  want  to  write  about 
the  Tower.  This  is  about  NINA'S  dee-Is.  M.  I  '11  begin  when 
we  got  back  homo.  After  we  'd  had  t-  a  Niv\ 

:    she  was  Lady  JANB  GKKY,   just   like   the   picture 
post-cards.     Sho  looked   out  of   the    window    and    said. 

that  my  beloved  husband  going  forth  to  be  ex.  cut  ed '.' 

Hurry  up.  HK.KHKKT;  you  're  my  husband.  Go  out 
and  walk  past  the  window  with  your  head  drooping  and 
your  hands  tied  hehind  your  back.  Lo,  ho  bears  him- 
self bravely,  though  he  is  very  young  and  handsome." 
Then  she  burst  into  sham  tears,  and  I  went  out  to  walk 
past  tho  window.  Sho  waved  her  hand  to  me,  and  1 
kissed  mine  to  her,  which  made  her  angry,  because  she 
said  if  my  hands  were  tied  I  couldn't  do  such  a  thing. 

After  that  we  each  had  an  extra  bit  of  cake,  and  then 
she  went  at  it  again.  I  was  to  bo  Lord  LOVAT  and  to 
get  my  head  cut  off.  I  said,  "  Who  was  he?"  She 
said,  "  He  was  a  rebel,  and  his  name  was  SIMON  I'KVSI  it, 
or  The  old  Fox."  I  said  directly,  "  I  don't  mind  being 
him,  but  if  I  am  you  can't  kill  me  like  that.  Nobody 
cuts  foxes'  heads  off."  Sho  bothered  me  like  anything 
for  a  long  time,  but  1  stuck  to  it.  Dad  told  me  about 
foxes,  and  I  'in  sure  I  was  right.  So  she  had  to  give  up 
making  me  into  Lord  LOVAT. 

At  last  she  clapped  her  hands  and  said  she  'd  got  it. 
Wo  were  to  bo  the  Princes  in  tho  Tower,  and  Dad  was 
to  bo  RICHARD  THE  THIRD,  and  smother  us  in  our  sleep. 
Dad  was  asleep  in  tho  smoking-room.  I  'd  peeped  in 
and  seen  him  in  his  arm-chair,  and  I  'd  gone  out  very 
quietly,  because  when  he  's  like  that  he  doesn't  like  to 
be  disturbed.  If  somebody  wakes  him  ho  always  pro- 
tends he  's  been  awake  all  the  time.  Mum  often  wakes 
him,  and  he  throws  a  cushion  at  her.  Of  course  it  's 
in  joke.  Well,  NINA  said  it  didn't  matter  about  Dad 
being  asleep  :  ho  'd  do  just  as  well  like  that.  First  of  all 
NINA  put  on  my  cricket  cap  and  said  she  was  EDWAUP 
THE  FIFTH,  and  I  was  his  brother.  Then  we  went  and 
stood  on  the  stairs,  and  she  said  in  an  awful  voice, 
"Hist!  Dost  hear  footsteps?  Or  is  it  a  rat  in  the 
arras?  No,  yes — no,  yes.  It  is  a  stealthy  footstep. 
Brother,  they  intend  to  murder  us  in  a  dastardly  way. 
Whither  shall  we  fly?  "  I  said,  "  Let 's  go  down-stairs; 
the  front  door  's  open.  We  can  got  out  that  way  and 
make  a  bolt  through  the  garden  gate." 

"Brother,"  she  said,  "  thou  art  a  wanderer  in  thy 
mind.  Prate  not  to  me  of  garden  gates.  Ah,  they 
approach."  Then  she  gave  a  scream  and  fell  down  with 
a  cushion,  which  she  stuffed  over  her  head.  When  she  was 
quite  dead  she  got  up  and  told  mo  to  lie  down  ami  I  • 
smothered.  She  did  it  with  the  same  cushion,  and  said 
I  wasn't  to  kick,  but  to  give  one  groan  and  then  say.  "  I 
die,"  and  to  go  off  quickly.  I  did.  When  she  ',1  finished 
me  she  jumped  up  and  said.  "  We  will  now  go  and  haunt 
our  murderer."  I  said,  "  Our  murderer  i:<  asleep  in  the 
smoking-room,  lie  '11  be  in  a  bait  if  you  w.ike  him." 
Sho  Raid  that  didn't  matter;  he  must  be  haunted,  nn-1 
off  she  wont.  I  went  with  In  r.  Dad  was  havii 
jolly  good  sleep.  I  could  hoar  him  as  soon  ns  we  got  to 
the  door.  NINA  put  a  handkerchief  on  her  hern]  when 
she  was  inside,  and  stood  close  to  Dad,  nnd  said  in  a 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [SmrHna  25.  1907. 

!'  voice,  "  i;icn\ui>,  I  am  thy  murdered  nephew,  and 
this  is  my  brother.  We  come  from  our  graves,  to  which 
thou  shall  S.MHI  follow  us.  Tremble,  KICHAKH."  had 
didn't  tremble  a  bit.  He  woke  up  with  a  sort  of  bang, 

.  d,  "  l|o\i  often  have  1  told  you  children  not  to 
both.-r  me  when  I  'in  busy'.'  liun  along,  Imth  of  you." 
NIN\  wouldn't  give  in.  She  said,  "  HICIIAKD  TIIK  TIIIKD, 
we  are  the  Princes  you  have  so  foully  slain."  "<ih. 
that  's  the  game,  is  il  t  Dad,  and  he  took  his 

cushion  anil  chivied  us  round  the  room  and  smothered  us 
all  over  again.      Il    was   the  we've   bail   yet 

at    least    I    thought    so;   but   NINA  said   it    was   all    wrong, 

t  p,-.,|ile  who  were  haunted  had  to  be  afraid,  and 
I 'ad    wasn't    afraid   a   bit.        She    was   sorry   she    hadn't 
i  Mrs.  Afsrix  to  be  Hi.  IIAIUI.  11.  I'.  L. 


TIIF,  TIIAIL  OF  TIIK  SF.K1T.NT. 

[Accor-lii'K  to  The  SttfUU  TflfjrufJi  two  t»urixln  have  «r«n  the  KM 

:il  TiM:i#'l.     Tin-  most  .-.irrful  ilol.iiU  an-  mention**!  ] 

I  H:I.T  my  courage  steadily  abating; 

ANernately  I  seemed  to  five/e  and  burn; 
For  oh,  my  heart  was  weary  of  awaiting 
The  prodigal's  return. 

Daily  I  scanned  my  Mail,  to  learn  with  sorrow 

That  even  IT  knew  not  where  he  lay  hid; 
Then  whispered  bravely,  "  He  will  come  to-morrow  ;  " 
Only  he  never  did. 

And  yet  in  other  years  I  can  remember, 

Kising  like  Venus  from  the  crested  foam, 
The  i  i  Serpent  early  in  September 

Trekked  to  his  English  home. 

And  round  what  someone  calls  our  "  billow-swept  isle,' 

With  manners  that  endeared  him  everywhere, 
He  cruised,  the  model  of  a  genial  reptile, 
Sampling  our  Northern  air. 

Lone  mariners  recalled  that  dies  inr, 

When  in  their  lonely  watches  at  the  wheel 
They  saw  him  rising,  sinuous  and  wiry, 

And  felt  their  blood  congeal. 

Sea-captains  (men  by  nature  strangely  truthful) 

Described  in  detail  how  they  'd  seen  him  prance 
A  hundred  feet  aloft,  and  filled  each  youth  full 
With  love  of  high  romance. 

About  his  stature,  d  la  Miss  COUFLU, 

Daily  /-.'r/irrss-cd  the  free  opinions  came, 
Pounding  each  rival  theory  to  jelly, 

limiting  abroad  his  fame. 

r.omance  in-Wd  clung  round  him  like  a  halo; 

•i  the  (i<-  s  giant  girth  was  ! 

Yet  all  this  year,  like  Ilrcr  I'm,  did  he  lay  low  , 

Cheating  the  ha'penny  l'i 

Hut  now  we  celebrate  his  resurrection  ; 

Two  brave  Tintag-'l  tourists  wire  with  : 
They  watched  him  gambol  while  his  scaly  in-ek  shono 
High  o'er  the  sunlit 


Sir  Serpent  ;  let  me  say  that  we  could 
Il.ive  belter  spared  a  I'.\NM:I;MAN  than  lo  •  .• 

out  your  (lowing  mane  and  ;  !.-i  I;  IL      1 
That  stir  my  lyric  M 


Tho   Prodigal. 

M:  AT  IsvjairuiK  Cofxcu. 
OKFKIU.    Hr.uiiixc    IJrrruxs." 

Aberdeen  Free  Prat. 


Oil  THE  LONDON  GBAfim&t-fcnfatt  25,  loot. 


A   DIVIL    OF   A   GAME. 


23,  1907.]  PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


221 


THE    BULLYON-BOUNDERMERES    AT    BLANKENBAD. 

Mts.  B.-B.  "  Wirr,  THAT  WAS  THE  DEAR  DUCHESS  OF  CLACKMANNAN,  AND  SHE  FORGOT  TO  IEMEIIBKR  ME!' 
Mrs.  Jimmy  Sliarpe.  "  SURE  SHE  DIDN'T  KBHBSIBBK  TO  rosaxr  YOU,  MY  DEAR?" 


A  BROWNE  STUDY. 

SIR  J.  CUICTITON  BROWNE'S  im- 
passioned vindication  at  Llandudno 
of  the  mutton-chop  and  sirloin  of 
In 'ft  against  the  attacks  of  food- 
faddists,  has  impelled  the  editor  of 
The  Knife  and  Fork  to  collect  the 
opinions  of  a  number  of  representa- 
tive men  and  women  in  various 
walks  in  life,  from  which  we  have 
made  the  following  selection:  — 

Mr.  BAUOCB,  in  reply  to  a  ques- 
tion as  to  his  favourite  fare,  stated 
that  he  believed  the  true  solution  of 
tha  food  problem  lay  in  a  judicious 
ivr.  meiliation  of  apparently  irrecon- 
cilable extremes.  Personally  he  de- 
daivcl  .  himself  to  be  a  convinced 
vegetarian,  with  a  strong  preference 
for  New  Zealand  mutton. 

Lord  KOSI-:I;KKY  said  that  he  be- 
licvrd  ill  varying  one's  diet  according 
to  the  environment.  At  Dalmeny  he 
affected  porridge,  Scotch  broth,  and 
haggis,  but  when  he.  wont  to  Italy  he 
subsisted  entirely  on  Neapolitan  ices, 
spaghetti,  and  Asti  spumante. 


Mr.  VICTOR  GRAYSON,  the  famous 
broken  bottle-holder  of  the  Socialists, 
expressed  his  strong  condemnation 
of  the  views  advanced  by  Sir  J. 
CRICHTON-BROWNE.  It  was  impos- 
sible to  cultivate  idealism  on  a  meat 
diet.  The  world  would  never  pro- 
gress until  all  autocrats,  plutocrats, 
and  hereditary  legislators  were  forced 
to  disgorge  their  ill-gotten  gaiim,  and 
sentenced  to  perpetual  confinement 
on  a  regimen  of  ground  glass  and 
hemlock.  What  was  good  enough 
for  ostriches  and  SOCRATES  was  good 
enough  for  the  pampered  minions  of 
Mammon. 

The  Duke  of  DEVONSHIRE  said  that 
he  had  been  a  Free  Fooder  all  his  life. 
He  had  tried  the  chloroform  lozenges 
described  by  Sir  J.  CRICHTOX- 
BROWNE  as  a  preventive  of  insomnia, 
but  found  them  inefficacious.  In 
a  fit  of  abstraction  he  once  ate  por- 
tions of  a  hop  pillow,  but  did  nut 
recommend  the  practice  as  one  to  be 
universally  followed. 

Mr.  HALL  CAINK  attributes  his 
longevity  chiefly  to  plain  living  and 


high  thinking.  There  should  be 
always,  he  thinks,  a  harmony  be- 
tween an  author's  work  and  his  diet. 
Thus  when  he  was  writing  The 
Christian  he  lived  for  weeks  on  quail. 
For  the  rest  he  liked  butter,  but  de- 
tested bacon  and  Marie  biscuits. 

Miss  MARIE  SCARLATTI  is  a  con- 
vinced and  confirmed  fruitarian,  as 
becomes  one  of  Italian  extract  ion. 
But  there  are  occasions,  she  admits, 
when  a  slight  deviation  from  this  diet 
is  not  only  permissible  but  desirable. 
For  example,  after  witnessing  a  ner- 
formance  of  The  ('hrintitin,  nhe  had 
to  be  revived  with  chicken  and  cham- 
pagne. Of  late  years  she  has  • 
tasted  any  sugar  except  that  made 
from  beetroot,  all  pnxlucts  of  the 
cane  being  peculiarly  distasteful  to 
her. 

Mr.  CIIESTERTOS-  seldom  takes  any 
soh'd  refreshment  except  at  break- 
fast, lunch,  tea,  and  dinner.  As  he 
wittily  puts  it,  "  How  can  a  man 
stand  four-square  ngainst  the  ll 
of  fortune  unless  he  eats  four  square 
meals  a  day?  " 


PUNCH,   OR  THK    LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [SmEiina  25,  1907. 


NOTES. 

SML-) 

[N  B.— The  wor.li   in   invrrlr.1   rnmmaa  are 


.lar  lo  Kt"n  I'ollt-^.     Tln-y 
hare  been  picked   up  nl  RI  -   from 

acvend  trmaeamea  in  t  and  though 

we  cannot    Ruaranii-o   Uirir    correctness,    yet 
every  rare  baa  !•••  use  Uirm  in  llii-ir 

appropriate  pUre.] 

\\.  i  M  K  "  h-ilf   '  ho*  commenced, 
and  most  of  the  students   ' 
returned    to    "  m'tutor's."     A    few, 
>;ned  "  short  1- -a\ 
-thind  for  the  shiHiting. 
will    return    later,    while    little    Lord 
Hi  MO    (  .is   still   at    Folke- 

stone with  mumps.    His  Mster,  Lady 
DOHOTIIY,  a  merry  little  person  of  five, 

luckily  escai 

*         *         »         *         * 

The  news  that  the  well-known 
"  swiahing-block  "  had  been  stolen 
since  last  "  half  "  was  received  with 
great  enthusiasm  among  the 
junior  members  of  the  college, 
who  were  seen  standing  in 
groups  on  "  Agar's  Plough  "ex- 
citedly discussing  the  situation. 
Members  of  "  Pop  "  (the  School 
Debating  Society,  correspond- 
ing to  the  "  Union  "  at  Cam- 
bridge), as  befitted  their  dignity, 
professed  to  be  entirely  indif- 
ferent on  the  subject,  and  w>  re 
much  more  concerned  as  to 
whether  a  "  rouge  "  would  be 
scored  this  year  in  the  annual 
"  Wall  game  "  between  the 
"  Oppidans  "  and  the  "  King's 
Scholars."  The  Earl  of  CUL- 
LODEN  expressed  an  opinion  on 
the  subject,  which  was  received 
with  the  respectful  attention  due 
to  the  heir  of  such  a  noble  estate. 
***** 

The  announcement  that  no  "  long 
leave  "  will  bo  granted  this  term  has 
been  received  with  indignation  by  all 
the  scholars.  Canon  LYTTELTON  has 
to  this  decision  after  careful 
thought,  and  it  is  no  secret  to  say  he 
has  been  greatly  inllu, -need  by  our 
disclosures  last  year  as  to  the  supper 
parties  which  Etonians  had  been  in 
the  habit  of  giving  at  the  Ritz.  One 
in  particular,  in  which  a  certain  Mar- 
quis, heir  to  100,000  acres,  took  part, 
was  particularly  disgraceful. 
***** 

The  Duke  of  HILTON  was  "  sent  up 
for  good  "  yesterday.  This  is  only 
the  second  time  that  the  event  has 
happened  in  his  Grace's  family,  the 
previous  jig  in  l"-',-i, 

when     JollX     I>K     I'-YI.ToX     I 

similar  honour.      Fireworks  are  h,  ing 
let  of!  to-night  at  Hilton   House  to 
-ato  the  occasion. 


A    COMEDY    WITHOUT    MTSIC. 
MR.   H.   V.    I'.-\!..\i>  lias  the  gift  of 
naiiK  s.      II,-   Iris  culled   his  new   play 
at    ll:  /  '»,/,  r    thf    d'r,  <  v 

Havin.  i   t"  annex   the 

title  Of 

might  have  called  it  Ittinyan's 
1'ilijrim'ii  1'rogn-xx.  or  The  /'iV/.inV/. 
Paper*;  hut  Mr.  ESMOND,  with  un- 
erring instinct,  hits  upon  the  only 
••le  tiniuo.  Then  comes  another 
•  liiestioii:  What  shall  he  call  his 
heroin--"  She  is  a  niillioiiheireas — 
the  richest  woman  in  England.  I .' t 
me  think  now  h'm — ah! — no — no — 
ha,  I  have  it  !  Miiry  Hamilton.  Of 
course — why,  don't  you  reineinher 
there  was  a  M  un  H.VMII.TOX  last  year 
who  was  reputed  to  be  the  richest 
woman  in  England?  UutluT  subtle 
that,  eh?  Now  we  want  a  name  for 
one  of  the  men.  Gilbert  Chi-xtrrton  .' 
No,  I  don't  much  care  about  that. 


quite  seriously.     I  was  prepared  to 

e     that     Htjllon,     the     squire, 

really  thought  A/..TI/  was  a  L'ip-y,  that 

they    fell   in   love   with   each  other  at 

married  next  day, 

and     that     Ilylt'tn     was     indeed     (as 
freely  ach  i  man,  a  real  man. 

Hut  when  Miss  M  \\INI;  EI.I.IOTT 
appeared  oil  the  sta^e  in  a  hathin;;- 
.  v\ith  her  hair  over  her  shoul- 
ders, and  said,  "  Who  's  for  a 
swim'.'"  then  I  realised  that  I  had 
made  .1  mistake.  1  yawned,  and 
wond--r,-d  if  it  late  to  e;et  in 

at    the   (lai.-ty.        Frankly,    I    prefer 

'  :I'M;;:S  vvitli  music. 
The  l>est  acting  was  shown  l>\    Mr. 
Kiuc      MATCKIN      as      Ni'r      K,  ninth 
{''riiirlij,  nn-l   Miss   MARY  JKKKOI.D  as 
,  lii./ii drir.     The  latter,  in  a  per- 
fect  HILDA  TI:I:\I:I.YAX  part,  ijuite  re- 
conciled   me    (11    (he    al'Setiee    of    Mi^ 
TKIIVI.I.YAN;   while   Mr.    M  \rtius,   as 
-tig    man    of    twenty,    was    <le- 
liehtftil.     His  l.oyish  naturalness 
was     a     welcome     change     from 
the    elaborate    coolness,    so    un- 
like anything  in  real  life,  which 
is     affected     by     most     imper- 
sonators of  young   men   on    the 

•tege  M. 


A  PISTLAT  or  ARMS. 
Mr.  Charle*  Cherry.  Miss  Maiine  Elliott 

Hall  Cainct  That's  not  bad;  but 
why  Hall?  .  .  .  Ah,  I  have  it. 
l\,niirlli  Graham.  .  .  . 

But  on  second  thoughts  Mr. 
ESMOND  did  draw  the  line  there,  and 
at  the  last  moment  the  name  was 
changed  to  Sir  Kenneth  Friar] y.  Of 
course  I  know  Mr.  ESMOND  has  a 
grievance  against  THACKERAY,  who 
deliberately  called  one  of  his  books 
fr'sinond ;  but  ho  should  not  let  it 
rankle  like  this.  After  all,  it  hap- 
i  a  long  time  ago. 

To  get,  however,  to  the  play  itself. 
Mary,  being  bored  with  life  and  her 
millions  (Act  I.),  decides  to  take  a 
holiday  iii  a  caravan,  away  from 
ewryltody.  (Cf.  Daily  Mail  for 
example  of  this  in  real  life.)  There 
she  meets  the  squire  of  those  parts 
I  I.I,  who  falls  in  love  with  her 
(Act  III.)  under  the  impression  that 
she  is  really  a  gipsy.  It  turns  out. 
.-•r,  that  she  is  not  (Act  IV. 
Tahleau.  Curtain). 

I  should  have  liked  to  take  it  all 


REPUTATIONS   OF   THE 
SESSION. 

/In  Exercise  in  the  h'.iubrrniit  if 
Cauttic  Manner  of  TIPPY,  M  .  1'. 

(.'-.KINO  back  with  glistening 
eyes  on  the  Session  that  is  over 
1  am  particularly   impressed    hy 
the  success  of  the  Prime  Minister 
—"dear  old  C.-B.,"  as  w,    all 
affectionately  call  him.     No  one 
among   all  the  great   august    figures 
who    have    raised     the     Mother    of 
Parliaments  to  he  the  maternal  power 
she   is   hulks   more    largely    than    Sir 

lilVUY    ('.\MI'l:KI.I.-H\NM:UM\N.       I    do 

not  mean  physically,  although  he  is 
no  dwarf,  hut  intellectually.  One 
cannot  think  of  his  wise  and  ; 

.n,i  the  white  and  hitter  malice 
of  Mr.  l'>.u,roi  it's  in  the  same  hn-alh. 
('.-]{.,  in  a  word,  has  heeii  th, 

,.f  the'  Session.  That  certain 
Hills  have  had  to  go,  that  his  pro- 
gramme has  had  again  and  again  to 
I  and  curtailed,  is  nothing. 
The  man  remains:  a  man  is 
mightier  than  hills  or  programmes. 
('.-H.  remains:  the  ever  bland,  the 
ever  courteous,  the  trusted  friend  of 
his  sovereign,  and  incidentally  the 


try. 


of  Limericks  in  the  coun- 
It   is    pre-eminently    C.-H.'s 


•n. 

Of  Sir  EDWAIID  CIHKY'S  success  I 
can  hardly  bring  myself  to  speak,  so 
conspicuous  has  it  been.  This  cold, 


SEPTEMBER  25,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


competent  aristocrat  fascinates  me. 
As  I  sit  in  my  place  through  the  long 
debates  I  occasionally  steal  a  mo- 
ment from  my  literary  work,  and 
laying  down  my  fountain  pen  gaze 
with  awe  at  tho  fastidious  patrician 
who  is  ready  at  tho  call  of  duty  to 
leave  behind  him  all  the  pursuits  of 
tho  high  life — stag  shooting,  and 
cub  hunting,  and  fly-fishing  for  dace 
— to  spend  his  hours  in  tho  weary 
round  of  international  politics.  And 
how  well  he  does  it.  It  is  safe  to 
say  that  never  has  there  been  a  finer 
Foreign  Minister.  Sir  EDWARD  GUEY 
must  be  called  by  any  impartial 
critic  the  success  of  the  Session. 

Of  all  tho  offices  that  are  difficult 
to  fill  perhaps  that  of  Chancellor  of 
the  Exchequer  is  the  first.  For  what 
is  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer? 
As  a  well-known  Tory  said  to  me  not 
long  ago  in  the  Lobby,  he  is  the 
housekeeper  of  the  nation.  An  ex- 
cellent phrase.  And  just  as  in  a 
flourishing  boarding  -  house  every 
lodger  has  a  word  of  criticism  for  the 
commissariat  department,  so  in  the 
nation  at  large  have  we  all  our  own 
vigilant  eyes  on  the  housekeeper.  To 
succeed,  then,  in  this  post  is  to  suc- 
ceed indeed ;  yet  Mr.  ASQUITH  (God 
bless  him  !)  has  done  it.  The  House 
without  this  kindly,  capable  financier 
would  not  be  the  same  place.  I  can 
hardly  bring  myself  to  think  of  it 
without  tears.  Mr.  ASQUITH  has  un- 
doubtedly been  the  success  of  the 
Session. 

And  what  of  Mr.  HALDANE?  Ah, 
here  is  success  indeed :  not  success 
as  we  lightly  use  the  word  over  our 
coffee,  cigars,  and  liqueurs,  but  suc- 
cess with  a  capital  S.  If  there  is 
one  office  that  is  more  difficult  than 
another  to  fill  it  is  that  of  Minister 
for  War.  The  Minister  for  War  was 
once  described  to  me  by  one  of  the 
rising  hopes  of  tho  young  Tory  party 
as  the  watch-dog  of  Empire ;  and  I 
thought  it  a  good  phrase,  although 
there  is  considerable  difference  be- 
tween one's  idea  of  a  dog  and  the 
pallid  face,  the  heavy  brows,  the 
pursed  mouth,  tho  eyes  always  look- 
ing overworked,  and  the  strong  chin 
and  jaw  of  Mr.  HALDANE,  although, 
to  be  quite  frank,  it  must  bo  admitted 
that  a  watch-dog  without  a  strong 
jaw  is  not  of  the  highest  service,  as 
another  Tory  once  shrewdly  re- 
marked to  me.  That,  however,  is 
beside  the  mark.  The  thing  is  that 
in  spite  of  his  physical  appearance 
Mr.  HALDAXE  has  been  the  success  of 
the  Session. 

To  think  of  the  House  without 
Mr.  BURNS  in  it  would  be  impossible; 
and  if  the  news  of  his  death  were  to 
come  to  me  I  cannot  imagine  how  I 


Shorts'ujhted  Golfer.  "  En,  MOH,  BUT  THIS  is  AN  AWW'  BONNIE  us.  THE  BA  'a  FAULT  TEED 
CP.  WHAT  CLUB  WILL  I  TAK?" 

Codd'ie.  "IT'S  HO  THAT  I'M  BOTUERIN'  ABOUT,  SIR.  IT'S  WIIAUR'I.L  WE  HIDE  ir  TI 
FOOZLE  IT  ! " 


should  carry  on  at  all  the  weary  in- 
terval between  its  announcement 
and  the  time  it  took  mo  to  get  to 
the  typewriter.  To  me  there  has 
always  been  a  different  feeling  about 
the  death  of  a  man  of  genius  which 
is  not  excited  in  me  by  the  death  of 
any  other  type  of  man.  To  this  day 
I  can  remember  the  weeks  of  gloom 
from  which  I  suffered  when  I  heard 
that  CHARLES  DICKENS  was  dead.  I 
had  to  address  a  political  banquet  on 
the  night  of  the  day  when  GEORGE 
ELIOT  died,  and  it  was  with  difficulty 
I  could  open  my  lips.  TENNYSON'S 
death — I  don't  know  that  I  ever  saw 
him — I  regretted  almost  as  much  as 
if  ho  had  been  a  relative,  which  to  be 
exact  he  waa  not,  and  so  it  would  be 
wore  I  to  hear  of  the  death  of  JOHN 
BURNS,  although  that  is  an  event 
which  I  feel  to  be  far  distant,  if  not 
impossible.  "Thou  wert  not  born 
for  death,  immortal  BURNS  I  "  But 
if  he  did  die  no  one  could  mourn  him 
more  than  I,  for  has  ho  not  been  the 
signal  success  of  the  Session? 

And    Mr.    HERBERT    GLADSTONE? 
Mr.  GLADSTONE  has  had  a  hard  time; 


which  is  natural,  because  he  has  the 
hardest  office.  The  Home  Secretary 
touches  daily  life  at  almost  every 
point;  and  not  if  he  were  an  arch- 
angel would  it  be  possible  for  him  to 
satisfy  everybody;  and  yet  what  a 
success  ho  has  been !  Look  at  Mr. 
EDALJI — is  he  not  free  ?  There  never 
was  such  a  triumph  for  a  Home  Sec- 
retary who  had  had  tho  boldness  to 
release  a  prisoner  as  the  perpetration 
of  the  last  Great  Wyrley  serious  out- 
rage at  a  time  when  Mr.  EDALJI  was 
at  Great  Yarmouth.  I  remember 
meeting  Mr.  GLADSTONE  that  night, 
and  being  struck  by  his  appearance. 
If  I  had  never  seen  success  before,  I 
saw  it  then.  I  raised  my  hat  rever- 
ently, and  passed  to  my  scat  and 
typewriter  on  tiptoe. 

=======_    TIPPY. 

OF  a  number  of  "  Rules  to  be  ob- 
served in  case  of  fire  "  recently 
given  to  various  schoolmasters,  the 
first  is  "Keep  cool."  Mr.  Punch 
wishes  to  give  this  very  simple  solu- 
tion of  the  problem  a  greater  pub- 
licity than  it  would  otherwise  have. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


25,  1907. 


THE    TWO    DESPERADOES; 
OB.  tire  VKBY  LAST  LAPPS. 

(SpetMl  to  "  Punch.' ) 

a  from  Lapland  only  tend  to  confirm  our 
original  impression  as  to  the  detperatc  nature  of  the 
task  und.-rtaken  by  the  dauntless  explorers,  Mr.  WII.I.Y 
l.i:  \\  IM>T  and  HARRY  I>E  yn.rx.  N..  white  man  has 
ever  h  .  the  Gallo-Tauric  peninsula,  thnt  \vilil, 

derelict  tract  of  territory  \\,-  u  the  Inch  plateau 

of  Rou^e-Montana  and  the  Sapphire  Sea.  It  is  as  y.-t  an 
uncharted  wilderness,  with.  n  single  9-hole  «olf 

course  to  variegate  the  monotony  <>f  the  inhospitable 
landscape.  In  the  last  century  tli-  famous  Borneo 
traveller  I'SU.MANAZAR  attempted  the  journey  armed 
solely  with  n  niblick,  but  was  driven  bark  by  the  djinns 
and  other  doliehocephalous  thanatophidia  infesting  this 
dreadful  region,  with  the  loss  of  his  memory,  both 
whiskers,  and  a  priceless  sleeping-bag  made  of  the  tail 
feathers  of  a  giant  sloth. 

NORTHWARD  Hoi 

-rs.  \Vn.n  I.K  WISDT  and  HARRY  DE  QUEUX,  how- 
ore  not  the  men  to  be  daunted  by  such  dangers, 
and  are  leading  an  expedition  to  explore  the  Gallo- 
Tauric  Hinterland,  and  ascertain,  on  behalf  of  the 
Russian  and  San  Marino  Governments,  whether  the 
reports  of  the  Lapps  as  to  gigantic  deposits  of  macassar- 
oil  and  cachet  of  caviare  in  the  Interior  are  well  founded. 
A  journey  of  about  6,000  miles  on  hydroplanes,  driven  by 
gas  suction  engines,  will  have  to  be  made  from  the  time 
terra  firma  is  quitted  on  the  Straphanger  Fjord  to  the 
time  civilisation  is  regained  at  the  Ritzbergen  Hotel. 

LOST  TO  CIVILISATION  FOR  Six  MONTHS! 

As  there  is  neither  fuel  nor  food  in  the  whole  of  the 
peninsula,  complete  supplies  for  this  period  will  have  to 
be  taken  by  the  party,  which  will  consist  of  Messrs. 
LE  WINDT  and  DE  QuEi'X,  Professor  DOUGLAS  TRUKFITT 
the  eminent  macassarologist,  two  oavasses,  three 
caviarasses,  ten  photographers,  one  flash-light  expert, 
fifteen  taxidermists,  twoGallo-Taurie  interpreters,  seven- 
teen hydroplane  cooks,  and  thirty-nine  fur  -  coat 
specialists. 

KKMARKABUK  LAPPBUB  LINOTJJC. 

Mr.  DE  Qt'Efx,  who  recently  made  a  preliminary  canter 
up  to  the  gate  of  this  unknown  land  in  the  motor  \aeht 
of  the  <  of  the  Republic  of  San  Marino,  has  re- 

c.-ivcd  from  Lapp  traders  reports  of  a  mysterious  tribe 
inhabiting  the  interior  of  the  Gallo-Tauric  or  Koko  penin- 
sula. According  to  the  Lapps  these  people  are  so  small 
as  to  be  scarcely  visible  to  the  miked  .suring  only 

thirteen  kilowatts  from  the  crown  of  the  head  to  the 
sole  of  the  foot,  and  fifteen  kilowatts  from  the  crown  of 
the  foot  to  the  sole  of  the  head.  They  are  highly  elec- 
trical,  addicted  to  cannibalism  in  moderation,  and 
extremely  timid  in  the  presence  of  strangers.  They  live 
in  beehive-shaped  huts  made  of  the  skin  of  the  amblon- 
gue,  and  are  fanatical  adherents  of  Ting) 
Whi-ther  these  st;r  are  correct  remains  to  be 

:          I,  but  Mr.  DE  Qi 

.  and  has  ordered  twenty  sets  « •• 

to  the  chief  of  the  tribe,   whose  name,  by  a  curious 
coincidence,  is  alleged  to  be   LITTI.K  Tin  HIR.  IK.     Th. 
Legion  of  Frontiersmen,  we  understand.  : 
to  a  man  for  the  expedition,  an  I  •!.  Marino 

navy  will  shortly  proceed  to  n  to  pi 

Mr.  •  ...sal.      T! 

purchased  800  reindeer     th.y  c\p.-et  to  use  al«>ut   1 
of  these  animals  on  th.-ir  journey  -and  are  each  provided 


with    I'.'KI    fur    coats    and    an    automatic    press-cutting 

itllS. 

I'.S.      I    h;i\e  just   heard   of   the   miraculous   cscap.    of 
Mr.  HARRY  UK  Qi  »:ix  from  what  appeared  to  be  certain 
doom.      Whilst    practising    figure-skating   on    th- 
summit    of    Cnpe    'J'urtle    be    slipped    over    the    cde..-   and 
i    several   thousand    f.-.-t    !•  brought 

up,   breathle-,*   but   unhurt,   by   a  gigantic   walrus   which 
was   walkint;  leisurely   down    the    sl..|>e,    and    which    Mr. 
i>i:   (t>rn  \    has  since   invested    with    the   (Jr.J.-r 
i  San  Marino).    

NF.r.l'I.KS    \NI>    NKKYI  S. 

["Needlework    fur    ruffled    nerve*    it    infinitely    »•<  .thing."  -  7'fo 
(jtntletannan.] 

NVni.s  you  come  back  t->  town   fn.m   the   m<,or  or   the 

down,  the  Alps  or  the  oci-an  of  Zuyder-. 
To  find  that  your  IIOUM-  is  the  home  of  •• 

rat,  the  blackbeetle  and  -j.ri.i-. 
When  from  nttic  to  hall  tin-re  is  dirt  over  all,  when  the 

maid  you  implicitly  trus' 
Has  not  even  seen  ti,  \,.ur  mowing-machine,  but   let   it 

p-t  nioulily  and 
When  your  favourite  chair  i~\\f  has  smasl 

when  you  learn  that  she  u.-ed  to  make  m<  : 
With  her  roisterous  friends  through   the  wil 

ends  on  thi-  j'ick  of  your  claret  and  sherry, 
Do  not  start  to  orate  on  the  folly  of  fate;  d" 

like  a  fury  and  cu.ss  it, 
But  rather  instead  take  a  needle  and  thread  and  soothe 

your  poor  nerves  with  a  gusset. 

When  you  sadly  return  from  the  ben  and  the  burn,  the 

bracken,  the  birch  and  the  heath,  r. 
And  struggle  in  vain  with  your  holiday  brain  to  string 

a  few  verses  together, 
When    \ou   stare   for   an  age  at  n   spoil- -,-s,    white   page, 

when  you  find  your  attention  divid<-d, 
And  you  can't  get  alon^  with  your  humorous  song,  for 

your  metre  is  still  nnd<  cided  : 
When  you  think  of  the  pile  of  accounts  on  \our  file  and 

the  tradesmen  demanding  their  n. 
When,  unless  you  'd  be  sp.>rt   of  the   J'.unkruj 

yon  simply  have  got  to  be  fun' 
Keep  cool,  my  friend,  cool  I     Do  not  rave  lik.    u  f,   ,1' 

Your  troubles  will  s. *>n  I  n 

If  you  stitch  up  a  shirt  (.r  the   hem  of  H  skirt    with   a 

sedative  needle  and  cotton. 

Oh,  you  poor  millionaire,  when  you  >.•  tii-.-d  ..f  bin 

who  sits  in  your  motor  to  worry, 
No  matter  how  far  be  the  flight  of  your  car,  no  matter 

how  fast  you  may  huiry. 
When   the  stocks  you   ha\e   iKiught   do  not    ri<-.-   .-is   th.  v 

ought,  when  the  companies  you  were  promoting 
Make  you  shake  in  your  sh  ,  \    tl.itls    r.  ' 

show  any  symptom  of  llo:, 
When   you    find    that   for   on,.,.    \,,u    hav.-    been    a 

dunce,  mid  made  a  mi>t:i 
When  all  's  poinj-  wnnii.'.  and  you  wotid-r  how    1.  i 

will  ma'  ,is, 

Do  not  storm  '  |  >,,   not    pull   Otrl 

hair!      If  you  find  yours.. If  nervous  and  Miappv  . 
Take  your  soothing  work-bo\  '      I'arn  the  so.-Ks.   not   the 

•locks,  and  you  '11  soon  !••  >.pv. 

"On  the  local  hi  .  •<•  fr\\  IH-C  .  ;h:ni  l.ii 

IU. 

:AINI,Y  not  more  than  four. 


SKPTKJIBEK  25,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


225 


• 

?j  *  -Vtfc]  ^^ 


THE    LAST   STRAW. 

"  SPARBEBS  BITIN'  WELL  THIS  EVENIN,'  QUVNEB  ?  " 


A  PEDANT. 

THOUGHTFULLY  ho  took  his  glasses 
from  his  waistcoat  pocket,  wiped 
them,  put  them  on,  and  examined 
the  postmark  of  the  letter  lying  on 
his  plate.  He  walked  slowly  to  the 
mantelpiece,  took  from  there  a  mng- 
nifying-glass,  and  continued  his  ex- 
amination. As  ho  did  so  mere  ear- 
nestness gavo  way  to  wonder,  curi- 
osity, surprise,  anxiety,  and  baffled 
enquiry.  He  put  down  the  glass,  and 
thought  for  a  bit,  and  then  took  it 
up  again,  and  made  a  still  longer 
and  more  minute  scrutiny.  "  It 
must  bo  St.  Ann's  Road,"  he  said  at 
last;  "but  is  there  such  a  place?  " 

Either  the  others  knew  and  didn't 
like  to  say,  or  they  were  loth  to  ad- 
vance an  opinion  without  sufficient 
data.  At  any  rate  the  question  re- 
mained unanswered. 

'  There  is  a  time-table  in  the  hall, 
father,"  volunteered  his  younger  but 
more  intelligent  son.  "  Why  not 
look  in  that?" 

"  A  good  suggestion,"  answered 
the  father,  "  and  i/uu  may  go  and 
get  the  time-table." 


The  time-table  arrived  reluctantly. 

"Ah!"  said  the  searcher  after 
truth,  "  here  it  is.  '  St.  Ann's  Road 
(Middlesex) — from  Moorgate  Street 
and  St.  Pancras,  six  miles.'  Then 
this  letter  must  have  come  from  St. 
Ann's  Road.  I  don't  know  anybody 
at  St.  Ann's  Road.  ROBINSON,  I  be- 
lieve, used  to  come  to  Moorgate 
Street  every  morning,  but  I  don't 
think  that  ho  came  from  St.  Ann's 
Road.  Besides,  if  he  did,  he  is  dead 
now,  so  it  cannot  be  from  him. 
DOUOTIIY,"  he  added,  "your  mother 
is  upstairs.  Go  and  ask  her  if  she  is 
coming  down  to  breakfast." 

"  Mother  says  she  is  going  to  have 
her  breakfast  in  her  room  this  morn- 
ing," reported  his  obedient,  though 
female,  offspring. 

"  That  is  just  like  your  mother," 
ho  said  irritably.  "  Go  and  ask  her 
who  could  be  writing  to  us  from  St. 
Ann's  Road." 

"  There  is  a  St.  Anne's  and  a  St. 
Anne's  Park,"  ventured  his  daughter. 
"  Might  it  bo  one  of  those?  " 

"No,  it  mightn't,"  answered  her 
parent;  "  go  and  do  as  I  tell  you." 

' '  Tho    only    person    mother    can 


think  of,"  announced  the  long-suffer-' 
ing  DOUOTUY,  "is  Uncle  MAC-. 
DOUOAL." 

"  Uncle  MAcDouoAL,"  he  retorted 
sharply,  "lives  at  St.  Andrews," 
and  half  mechanically  ho  picked  up 
the  magnifying-glass  again. 

"  JOHN,"  he  said  to  his  elder  son, 
"go  and  get  my  pocket-book.  It  is 
in  the  breast  pocket  of  my  morning 
coat.  The  coat  is  hanging  up  in  my 
dressing-room  on  the  left-hand  side 
of  the  small  wardrobe." 

After  a  long  interval  JOHN  re- 
turned. "  Tho  coat  is  not  there," 
he  said  sadly. 

"  Thou  JANE  has  it  in  the  sewing- 
room,"  said  his  inexorable  sire. 

After  another  and  lengthier  in- 
terval JOHN  returned  with  the  pocket- 
book.  His  father  snatched  it  from 
him,  turned  over  the  pages  fever- 
ishly, found  no  St.  Ann's  Road  there, 
and  cast  it  angrily  from  him. 

"  I  cannot  think,"  he  said,  search- 
ing the  weary  faces  of  all  his  children 
in  turn  for  the  information  he  de- 
sirrd,  "  I  cannot  think  who  can  have 
written  to  mo  from  St.  Ann's  Road." 

Then  ho  opened  the  envelope. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


mynu, 


Irate  Ktrptr  (to  parton  v*o  trill  perritl  in  IMtinq  kit  head  about  the  butt  vhen  the  bird*  are  drirrn  un).  "  KEEP  THA  IIEID  DOOM    Ml*. 
Nuuv  o'  TH*  rrtrir  WATS  IIEEAV  ! " 


CHARIVARIA. 

A  PENSIONER,  aged  eighty-one,  living 
at  Preston,  has  just  received  a  medal 
for  meritorious  service  in  the  Crimean 
War.  We  understand  that  the  reason 
of  the  delay  was  that  the  War  Office 
doubted  the  genuineness  of  the 
claim,  the  veteran  not  being  in  a 
workhouse. 

V 

Mr.  HALDANE,  who  has  received  a 
copy  of  a  resolution  passed  by  the 
I'lumstead  Radical  Club  protesting 
against  the  contract  for  horse-shoes 
being  placed  abroad,  is  said  to  be  no 
believer  in  the  idea  that  a  horse-shoe 
brings  luck. 

V 

A  pro pot  of  the  Railway  Crisis  The 
Daily  Mail  asks,  "  Can  both  sides 
ii,.  •  We  would  go  further  and 

express  the  hope  that,  if  both  cannot, 
anyhow  one  may  be  able  to. 

The  price  of  diamonds  is  rising.  In 
Park  Lane  this  is  painted  to  as  an 
example  of  how  all  the  necessities  of 
life  are  becoming  dearer. 

Mr.  A.  H.  WAI.HLFY  will  (rent  in  a 
forthcoming  book  of  "  The  . 
of   the    Theatr.  II.     ! 

dramatic  critics  to  write  "  The 
Anesthetics  of  the  Thcatr 


A  curious  rumour  was  afloat  last 
week  to  the  effect  thut  Sir  AUTIII  K 
CONAN  DOYLE  now  owned  Mr.  II  M.I. 
CAINK.  It  is  supposed  to  he  cluu  tu 
the  announcement  in  a  morning 
paper  that  Sir  Aiirnfn  had  bet'i 
-onteil,  on  the  occasion  of  liis  mar- 
riage, with  a  copy  of  SHAK 

*  * 

Germany  now  possesses  the  fastest 
warship  afloat  in  the  form  of  g 
pedo     boat     destroyer,     which     has 
steamed  38'9  knots  an  hour  on  her 
trial   trip.     Great   Britain,    how 
possesses    the    fastest    warship    not 
afloat  in  the  form  of  the  torpedo  boot 
destroyer    Viper,     which    made    87 
knots,  and  now  lies  at  the  bottom  of 
the  sea. 

*  * 

One  man,  at  any  rate,  does  not  In 

that  airships  are  practirul 
politics.  A  New  York  millionaire  is 
building  a  house  the  r<-.f  of  which 
is  to  be  made  of  plate-glass. 

Will  the  wonders  of  Science  ; 
<••  n-.-'1        "  Many      electric:      lunches 

to  bo  seen  on  the  river."  ^ 

•nponirv  of  ours,  win,  i 
sionally  brightened    l.y    nii.-|n: 

\\  ,•    b*g    to    acknowledge    *ur    in- 
pany    for    th. 


wires,"  which  we  chnneed  upon  lust 
week,  and  which  «••  d»  not   remem- 

ber   tO    ha\e     Seen    lie  fore,     though     We 

may  merelv  1  D  lucky. 

*  * 

"  1    hn1..-    hurdly    11    vacant    seat    in 

church  when  it  is  {<-.,  w.  t 

moto'  .|i|iluined  a  clergyman. 

imx    to    The    !><iilij    Tclegrapit. 

As  someone  once  suid.  •  opl, 

ligion  as  a  clonk,  others  9 
umbrella. 

V 

A  tradesman  in  Kiel  has  only  ju.-t 

•curd  da1  uhcr 

I'.     !^'"v    v    ghjj  .     !  .in    a    Hajij.v    N.-\v 

Year  in  IWi'.i.      Owii^-  to  the  delay  in 

the  delivery  of  tin-  card,  (he  \\  ; 

of  con: 

*  * 

Answer   to     .  -(.ondent  :    No. 

Harvest   Burgundy  is  not  made  fron, 
Harvest  Hur^ 


The  Young  Idea. 

(From  Mr.  Punch'*  .Yurwry  1\Trr*j*ni 

Little   Hoy.  The   cows    I    saw   this 
morning   hadn't    ^.  .t    their   horns   on. 
.st   (lluiiiijlitfiillij)   they   weren't 
mooing. 

Well,   hut   i-ows  don't 
with    their    hon.s.       J  >ij    you    think 
they 

I.ittli-  limj  (nuTjiriard).  Don't  they'.' 
Th-'ll   w  hat   are  they   for? 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- SEFTEUBEK  25,  1907. 


^r  S,r:  ns=^£= 


CASUS    BELL-I. 

POUTER  (to  Railway  Directors).  "  BY  YOUR  LEAVE,  GENTLEMEN  !  " 


SEPTEMBER  25,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


"THE    TEST   OF   TIME." 

Vaulting  Purchaser  (after  many  questions).  "WHAT  ABODT  HIS  CHARACTER?" 

Old  Irishman.  "  WELL,  THE  MAN  HUT  LET  HE  HAVE  'lie  GAVE  'in  A  FIFTEEN  YEARS'  CHARACTER,  AND  YE  WON'T  BATE  THAT." 


MOTORING  FOE  ACTRESSES. 
TAUGHT  IN  ONE  LESSON  BY  A  LADY  MOTORIST. 

(With  apologies  to  "  The  Daily  Qraphic.") 

THE  first  thing  the  would-be  actress  motorist  has  to 
learn  to  do,  is  to  smile.  This  sounds  easy,  but  it  is  not 
so  easy  as  it  sounds ;  for  it  is  necessary  to  keep  the  lips 
closed  against  dust.  The  lady  motorist's  smile  begins 
before  she  enters  the  car,  as  she  is  probably  looking  her 
charmingest  at  that  moment,  and  many  eyes  will  be 
turned  upon  her;  and  it  must  continue  without  falter 
during  the  whole  run,  for  at  any  moment  she  may  be 
under  observation,  and  an  expression  of  seriousness  or 
concern  upon  her  face  would  be  unbecoming.  For  this 
reason  long  runs  are  only  possible  to  ladies  who  are 
practised  in  smiling  for  many  hours  at  a  stretch — and,  I 
may  add,  at  a  full  stretch,  for  the  smile  must  be  whole- 
hearted and  tenacious.  Thus  the  beginner  should  be 
careful  not  to  overtax  herself,  or  her  smile  will  become 
set  and  rigid  and  permanently  injured ;  and,  be  it  noted, 
an  ingrained  smile  is  worse  than  no  smile  at  all.  On 
returning  home  she  should  retire  to  her  room  and  not 
attempt  to  relinquish  her  smile  until  she  has  shut  the 
door,  as  the  effort  will  be  both  painful  and  unsightly, 
and  may  bring  on  cramp  of  the  facial  muscles.  Then 
let  her  rub  her  mouth  and  cheeks  briskly  for  ten 


minutes  with  an  ivory  billiard  ball  dipped  in  cold  cream. 
The  subsequent  twitchings  may  be  allayed  by  the  appli- 
cation of  any  powerful  astringent  lotion.  Some  ladies 
find  that  when  their  smile  is  fatigued  it  takes  on  the 
expression  of  a  cat's.  Needless  to  say,  the  art  of  mutm- 
ing  is  not  to  be  acquired  by  such  as  these,  and  (In- 
same  remark  applies  to  those  whose  smile,  from  excess 
of  nervous  apprehension,  becomes  what  is  known  as  ft 
"sickly  grin."  No,  the  actress  motorist's  smile  must 
be  gentle,  bright,  and  expectant. 

Everything  about  the  actress  motorist  must  be  a  com- 
plete abnegation  of  the  realities  of  handling  a  motor-car. 
Her  clothes  must  be  charming  and  always  new.  Con- 
scious of  her  pretty  feet,  she  should  always  pause  with 
one  foot  on  the  step,  slightly  raise  the  skirt,  and  look 
round  over  her  shoulder  as  if  expectant  of  a  photographer 
before  entering  the  car.  She  must  put  in  the  clutch, 
and  perform  other  operations,  with  a  languorous  touch  of 
her  neatly  gloved  fingers,  and  she  must  never  look  at 
what  she  is  doing,  as  it  is  absurd  to  smile  at  tin-  brake 
or  the  lubrication  pump.  No,  she  should  look  roguishly 
from  the  corner  of  her  half-closed  lids  in  the  <lh> 
of  the  handsomest  or  most  numerous  male  observers. 
All  these  things  she  must  do  if  she  would  master  (lie  art 
of  motoring,  and  add  an  extra  touch  of  actuality  and 
winsomeness  to  the  already  cloying  pages  of  the  Shatter 
and  the  Tctch. 


no 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER   25,    1907. 


OUR   LIVING   SF.1UAL. 

[One  of  oar  erening  cootemporarir*  announce  a  novel  aerial  itory. 
Lrtirre  have  been  inrited  from  muicn  ambitious  to  figure  a*  heroM 
or  heroine*;    •  number  of  three  letter*  bare  been  (elected   l-y  ttio 
Kdilor.  and  have  been  budml  to  a  graphologist  from  who 
of  the  handwriting  •  aorelict  will  conntru.  i  1m   ; 
By  a  alrange  coincidence,  we  have   bn>n   !•• 
linn,  and  we  hare  pleasur.-  MI  |  liming  the  letu-r*  no  ha  • 

I'l  Mi    Mil.     Fl'lToR,       I    should    RO   /i»Cf   to    IK-    a    I 
print!        />.'  select    mi-   for  \our  story.        1 
.    how   you  can  tell  nil  about   nn-  fn.m  my  hand- 
writing.       A  friend  <.f  iniii.-     an  awfully  nice  on 
nil   I  'n,  tell  you  al»uit   liini  !      sa 

Mini, -tiling     like     palmistry.         He  's     rather     clever     :it 
|iultnistry,  ami  has  t«M  n.>'  several  things  al  out   ' 

.••••'quite  triii-.      I  ought  to  trll  you  that  although   I 

manage  one  of  the  toha<-eo  stalls  on  the  Underground 

Kaihvay,    I   only    work    for   my   own   amusement.      I   am 

really   a  peer's  daughter  who  is  weary  of  the   frivolities 

,-ty  a-   ,  -iitutcd.     Will  you  think  me 

_-ofistical  if  I  say  that  I  always  speak  a  kind  word 

to  the   old    match-seller  on   my   way   to   and    from    my 

work,  and  that  on  two  or  three  occasions  1  have  picked 

up  u  little  slum  child  and  wiped  its  tears  away  with  my 

own  lace  handkerchief?     I  have  tender  violet  eyes. 

Yours  most  sincerely,  MILLICKXT. 

72,  Grotvenor  Square,  M  . 

DEAR  SIR, — You  may  put  me  in  the  story  if  you  like. 
It  would  please  the  governor,  perhaps,  for  he  'a  always 
on  at  me  about  its  being  time  I  made  a  name  for 
myself.  Besides,  there  '».  a  sweet  little  girl  I  know 
who  'd  be  jolly  proud  of  me  if  you  could  see  your 
way  to  make  me  a  hero.  She  sells  cigarettes;  I  pose  as 
a  City  clerk  and  buy  them  at  ten  for  threepence,  and 
give  them  to  the  old  matchseller  when  I  get  outside  the 
station.  If  it  were  not  for  her,  I  should  be  in  Scotland 
with  my  people  now,  so  you  may  know  that  she  is  nothing 
ordinary.  This  is  shocking  writing,  so  I  "II  copy  some 
Shaktpearc  or  something  to  enclose  with  this  letter,  and 
you  can  give  that  to  your  handwriting  man. 
The  Albany,  K.\\  .  "  Yours,  Ac.,  CALLOW. 

SIR, — I  am  desired  by  the  Duke  of  BARRATOWN  to 
write  to  you,  and  to  say  that  his  Grace  is  much  in- 
d  in  your  project.  Ho  has  not  hitherto  taken  any 
active  interest  in  literature,  but  your  scheme  strongly 
appeals  to  him,  and  he  wishes  me  to  say  that  if  he  can 
be  introduced  into  your  story  without  being  made  to 
look  ridiculous,  you  are  at  liberty  so  to  introduce  him.  His 
Grace,  having  had  several  weeks  of  shooting,  and  being 
still  in  Scotland,  is  somewhat  out  of  training  for  writing. 
and  he  therefore  hopes  that  my  caligraphy  will  serve 
your  expert's  purpose. 

Yours  obediently,     WILLIAM  ST.  CLAIR  MALBROOK 

(Private  Secretary). 
CaUow,  Tochtermochty,  N  B. 

SIR, — Thrice  has  my  name  appeared  in  print  in  other 
than  parish  announcements  and  the  county  (i, i-itli. 
Once  it  was  in  a  report  of  a  reception  at  Lambeth  1'nlace, 
I  had  the  misfortune  to  ha\e  my  watch  stolen; 
again,  it  was  in  the  ilminlinn,  in  an  advertisement  for  a 
I, >rum  tencni  which  I  inserted  in  '94;  and  the  third 
time  it  was  in  1'hr  Times  (surely  (In-  ino'-i  mllueiMial 
journal  of  our  day)  in  the  notice  of  th-  mamage  of  my 
churchwarden's  daughter,  at  which  I  ofliciatcd.  I  should 
indeed  be  honoured  if  your  distinctly  amusing  paper  pn>- 
•i  fourth  occasion.  I  may  tell  you  that  I  am  a 
man  of  benevolent  appearance,  with  deim-cut  features 
and  silvery  hair,  and  1  am  happy  to  say  that  I  have  been 


the  means  of  effecting  more   than  one   reconciliation   in 
1   families.     My  parish  has  the  distinction  of  in- 
cluding the  country  seat  of  the  I>uke  of  H  \KKATO\V.N,  who 

scrally  here  with  his  family  at  Christmas  time. 
JJelie\e  me,  ,lear  Sir,       Yours  most  faithfully, 
Clicriton,  tianiilnj.  Harks.  J.  AnirsTiSK  Tosi\o. 

Owinj;    to  the    indisposition    of    Mr.    II  M.I.    C.MNK,    of 
which  we  hear  from  a  private  source,   \\e  are  imaMe  at 
:   to  make  puldie  our  decision  as  to  whom  we  shall 
commission    to    write    the    story.      We    can   proim 
readers,   however,   that   it   shall   not    l>e   Mr.   WILLIAM   1,E 
\. 


TI1H    l.ATi:   .IANKT. 

'I'o  lliink  what  merit,  unhekiiown  hut  rich, 
May  lurk  heiieath  a  piehald  hide! 
We  may  hive  done  a  worthy  mare 
Injustice  which 
Is  past  repair 
ith  claims  us  all  at  last,  and  cv.-n  Janet  died). 

J.Mir  dniL'iJcd  a   'bus,  helped  l>y  a  stronger  K' 
lietweenthe  Hank  and   lianies.      A  h< 
Had  heen  her  fitter  mi'lit  r, 
Who  hated  speed. 

Who  lo\ed  delay, 
From  work  of  any  sort,  in  fact,  who  seemed  av.  : 

Unwhipped  she  sauntered  ;  whipped  she  never  stirred, 
Nor  often  found  our  treatment  kind. 
And  now,  too  late,  we  think  maybe 
We  Crossly  erred, 

Who  whipped,  and  she, 
Though  lazy  with  her  legs,  was  busy  with  her  n.ind. 

To  equine  eyes  she  very  likely  seemed 
The  absolute  epitome 

Of  abstract  thought.     Perhaps  by  night 
Whole  stables  teemed 

With  keen  delight 
When  she  held  argument  on  some  deep  -ology. 

Or  when  she  jibbed  and  kicked  as  seeming  shy 
Of  jobs,  and  earned  her  meed  of  w  hacks, 
Was  solving  bv  experiment 
The  problem:  —  "  Hy 

What  Means  Prevent 
Flies  Taking  Liberties  on  Busy  Horses'  Backs?  " 

We  do  not  curse  or  heap  abuse  upon 

Our  men  of  thought,  nor  say  they  shirk 
Their  proper  labours.      Seldom,  too, 
We  beat  the  I  MI 

Or  black  or  blue 
Or  even  homely  pink  for  cutting  hoi  est  work. 

Then  why  heat  Janet  1     Think  of  her  distress, 
And  spare,  oh,  spare,  the  scornful  Ian 
Potential  soul  of  all  that  's  g. 

She   died    {I'.    S.) 

d.   .   .   . 

Her  eollsolalioll   is   this  public   epitaph. 


Tin. UK  is,  at  any  rat",  one  lucky  man  who  was  told 
about     tl  t    weather.          II.      advertises    in     Thf 

Daily   Telegraph   particulars  of  the   School  of  Dramatic 
Art,  and  announces — 

"  SUMMER  TERM  COMMKNCI:*  Sn-Trvr.ni 


SETTEMBEK  25,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHAEIVAEI.  231 

A    DAY    Wl'    BURNS    IN    GERMANY. 

(ACCOBDISO  TO  TUB  "  DAILT  MiH.-ED  FlST.") 


WUAT  DID  THEY   EXPECT  ?      Tills? 

A  Berlin  newspaper  says  "  Mr.  Burns  is  less  of  the  '  uncut ' 
diamond  than  Germans  had  been  led  to  expect" 


THE  INEVITABLE  INTERCHANGE  OF  UNIFORMS. 

Honest  John  (of  the  "  Garde  du  Corps ")  is  received  by  Imperial 
Wilhelm  arrayed  A  la  "  Trafalgar  Square  "  in  honour  of  his  visitor. 


Pageant  Echoes. 

"  Tlie  historic  St.  Mary's  Hall, 
the  pride  of  Coventry,  from  which 
Lady  Godiva  set  forth  on  her 
ride,  is  to  undergo  restoration 
and  repair. 

It  is  proposed  to  strip  the  roof 
of  tlio  o'd  lead  and  to  ro-covor 
it  with  now  metal." 

Evening  Ncirs. 

WE  understand  that 
unless  the  new  metal  is 
abandoned  the  Mayor  ol 
COVENTRY  will  take  no 
part  in  the  proceedings. 


Our  Familiar  Press. 

"  The  reappearance  of  the  sea 
serpent,  seen,  we  note,  by  a  Cove 
known  as  Gulla  Stem,  embold- 
ens us  to  print  the  following 
communication." — Daily  Netca. 

As  a  matter  of  fact  the 
man's  name  was  something 
quite  different. 


How  WE  DO  'IT  ON  LAVENDER  HILL  !    MOST  RE-WRESCHEH  ! 

Mr.  Burns  attended  the  manoeuvres  of  the  Garde  du  Corps  at  Wreschen 
and  participated  in  long  and  fatiguing  marches  with  the  men. 


Prophets  without  Honour 
in  their  own  Parish. 

"WARMINSTER    BOARD 

OF  GUARDIANS. 
Pics,  IMBLCHXS,  TRAMPS,  Ac." 

Warminster  Journal. 


More   about   the 

"  Lusitania." 

"She  will  have  crossed  in  • 
little  over  five  days  -5  day* 
1  hour  10  minutes  if  she  arrives 
at  1.20  p.m.  English  time,  and 
5  days  1  hour  4G  minutes  if  the 
is  another  30  minutes  on  the 
journey.  These  are  approximate 
figures,  but  there  seems  a  fair 
likelihood  of  this  being  near  the 
mark."—  Lirerpool  Daily  /'oat. 

THE  computation  has 
been  made  with  extra- 
ordinary accuracy,  but 
might  it  not  have  been 
taken  a  step  further? 
What  if  she  is  another 
46  minutes  on  her  jour- 
ney? Ah  I 


232 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


[SKrrKum.li  25,  1907. 


THE    DIABOLIST. 

I  s!ii>ri.n  !!•  •> i-r  dream  of  doubting 
i  lady 'b  word.  If  Miss  Mini'i 
aayg  that  she  really  did  d»  tin-  thing 
twice  (tliis  is,  in  fa.  t,  what  sh. 
say),  tln-ii  I  run  only  reply,  "  In- 
deed," and  help  myself  to  more 
aread-and-hutt.r.  Hut  when  she 
joes  on  to  add  quite  casually  that  it 
tiappei;  1  "ii  French  soil,  thru  I  may 
be  torghreo  if  I  smile  sardonically, 
light  a  cigarette,  uml  say  to  myself, 
'Ah,  I  thought  go." 

"Now,    \\l  ly    does    that 

Illrllll  TON. 

"To   begin    with,"    I    point. -d 
out,    "  French    soil    is   cliff 
from  English.     More  alluvial." 

"  Of  course,  if  you  're  going 
to  use  long  words " 

"  Then,  again,  take  the  con- 
litions  under  which  the  labour- 
ing classes  work.  They  enjoy 
the  advantages  of  Conscription 
and  Tariff  Reform.  True,  over 
here  we  have  the  Bishop  of 
LONDON " 

"  You  're  jealous  because  you 
can't  play  yourself." 

"  I  can't  play:1  My  good  girl! 
If  you  think  an  Englishman " 

"  Come  on,  then.  I  've  got 
the  thing  here." 

"  Oh,  I  say,  have  you  really? 
I  didn't  know.  I  don't  think 
that  was  quite  nice  of  you." 

Miss  MIDDLE-TON  produced  a 
small  box  from  under  the  table, 
and  emptied  the  contents  on  the 
lawn. 

"  There  you  are,"  she  said. 

I  got  up  and  looked  at  it. 

"  I  think  it  only  right  to  tell 
you,"  I  said  nervously,  "  that  I 
haven't  got  my  Diabolo  jersey 
with  me." 

"  Take  off  anything  yon  like," 
said  Miss  MiDiii.KTuN  kindly. 

I  took  off  my  hat  and  coat, 
and  had  another  look  at  it.  All 
I  could  see  was  a  small  skipping- 
rope  and  a  large  cotton- r-  .-I. 
seemed  simple  enough.  The  only 
question  was- -  v.  hat  did  one  do  with 
the  cotton-rrrl  ' 

••  Is  it  all  h,n>?"  I  ask,',!.  It 
would  be  too  absurd  to  start  if  thr 
bails  or  the  billiard  chalk  or  some- 
thing really  in  -.vert-  missing. 

"Why.  of  course.  What 
you " 

"Oh,  nothing.  You  did  it  twice, 
you  s 

'      ,lly." 

Twice.     That  krn.rk.-d  i.n  thr  h.-ad 

II IV     1 

and  skip]  -..1  down  thr  lawn. 

Anyone   could    do   that    half  ad"/'  n 

times. 


"Twice,"      1      r, -prated,      and      1 

grasped    the    rope. 

'  ..1,1  it  that  way  too?  " 
"  Of  course.      It  'n  the  only  way./' 
"  Y.  >  ;  but  some  people  do  it  the 
other  w-iy  .  " 

"Oh,   well,   they're  billy   fi-.ls.     1 
always  hold  it   this  way." 

"(ID    on,"    said    Miss    MmiH.KToN, 

lie  handed  m.-  the  cotton-reel. 

irthing  had  to  be  done.      I  took 

the  reel.  .  .  and  then  I  hud  a  sudden 

inspiration.      Of  course,   that    v\  as  it. 

I   balanced   the   reel  carefully  on   the 


"  That  's  bow  we  play  it  in  Italy," 
1  rrplird  loftily.  "Of  colilsr  tllcro 
ure  local  variations  of  the  game.  In 
France,  no  doubt ,  they 

"  oh,  you  you  v\.  ut 

off  into  another  par..\y  MIL 

I  took  out  my   handkerchief. 

"   The      white      tl.i  ild.        "    I 

surrender.      Teach    n,,.    t|R-    French 
\\av." 

***** 

I  put  the  reel  on  to  the  string  for 
the  onr-hundred-and-thirtieth  time, 
and  moved  my  ban, Is  rapidly  in 


It 


f  my   head,   t<>.>k   the   r'ope,   ami    down.     For  tin-  one himdied-and-thir- 
slowly  skipped  round  the  lawn.     At    tirtb  time  thr  thing  wavered.  I 

r,  and  fell  to  the  t:ri,iin,l. 
Is    the     man     who    invnitrd 
li\ing  in  London  '  "  1  iisknl, 
as  I  sat  down  and   mapped   my 

|||  -ad. 

"  (  )h  no  ry  old  came. 

I  think  the  Chi 

"  Ah,  d..  you  know,  I  rather 
suspect. -d  them.  Very  ingrni- 
ous  nu-r  thr  ('him - 

ha\r    some    tortures  I  >' >    Vi  .11 

happen  to  know  the  '  heath  by 
the  Thousand  Cut 

"No.     Is  that  good?" 

"  Well,  it  depends  which  side 
you  're  on.  But,  even  if  \mi  'n- 
losing,  it  does  end  some  time. 
whereas  this 

"  I'.ut  it  'g  quit.-  easy  to  spin 
it  really;  it  's  only  the  catching 
that  's  so  hard.  Now,  I  '11  show 
you  again." 

I  watched  her  very  carefully. 
Th.-n  I  got  up  and  took  my 
waistcoat  off. 

"  1  'II   do  it  or  die,"   I   said 
"  and  if  1  dir  her,-  's  my  watch 
and  chain,  and  thank  y.u  for  a 
\ery      jolly      week-end.       Now 
then." 

I  must  have  <.',,(  ||,,.  knack 
suddenly.  The  r.-.-l  began  to 
spin  round.  "  \Yhat  do  I  do 
now?  "  I  cried. 

"Pull  your  hands  apart, 
quick." 

I  pulled  the  cord  ..lit  s-truii'ht.  The 
reel  shot.  Up,  hit  Hie  ill  the  eVe, 

wound  itself  inside  tlir.-r  U.ps  of  the 
string,  and  frll  •.-,., ,t|y  to  ti 

I     suppose     I     sil'heil. 

"  That  's  wl  .11.  d  1  "ial.olo." 

said  Mi--s  MllilH.ri-.S  hastily. 

"  Yes,  (hat  \\  as  \\hat  I  said. 
hiabolo.  Dial.olo.  Hi 

"  f«B,   I   know." 

"  I.,  t  's  l.r  quite  sure  about  it,"  I 
.  rubbing  mv  rye.  "  I  >iabo|o. 

hi 

"    It       ,1(H.«       that       Sometimes. 

know." 

"  I  didn't  know  (hiaU)lo).      Hut  I 

•  w.      (hinlK.lo,    hiabo' 
"  f»oes  it   hurt   \ers    much  ?  " 


8VOOESTIOX   FOB  A   SI  [TABLE   EQUIPMENT   fOR   SOLDI  ECS 
OK  m  ADVEXT  OF   AEIUL  WAtTABE. 


the   laurel  bushes  in   th.-    n.-rtb-east 

comer  I  had  an  anxious  moment,  but 

with  a  deft  j.-rk  1  got  the  thing,  back 

place  again.       Coming  into  the 

lit  for  the  first  time  I  quir. 


my  pace.    I  reached  Miss  Mim.; 
:.ut  triumphant. 

I   said. 

There  \\a-i  a  shriek  of  laughter.  I 
l.x.ked  down  suddenly,  and  the  reel 
Clipped  off  on  to  the  lawn. 

"  Now  yon  've  spoilt   it,"  I  said  in 


anno 


I      was     just 


MM 

•     !  " 

"Oh,     my    dear,     what    are    you 

doiir  I'd   Miss  MlDDLEToN. 

•'   l>,ai,olo."  I  said  coldlv. 

"  Dial*  ' 


SEPTEMBER  25,  1907.]  PUNCH.    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


233 


Doris.   "  WlIAT   IS  TOE  TIME,   PLEASE,   GUANDPA?" 

The  Professor  (absent-mindedly).  "  I '«  AFRAID  I  CAN'T 

UNFORTUNATELY  I   DON'T  KNOW  WHEN   IT  STOPPED." 


TELL  TOD,   HT    DEAB.      My   WATCU    HAS    BEEN    SAVING    12'15   FOR  SOME  TIME  ;   BUT 


Di 


"  Shall  I  get  some  water?  " 

"  Oh  no.     Di " 

"  Let  's  stop  for  a  moment." 
"All  right.     Diabolo." 

***** 
We  were  standing  opposite  each 
other  and  spinning  like  anything. 
(Miss  MIDDLETON  had  discovered 
another  set  somewhere.)  Every  now 
•uid  then  one  of  us  would  jerk  the 
cord  very  violently.  Then  one  of 
three  things  happened.  Sometimes 
the  reel  would  wind  itself  inside  the 
string  and  stay  there.  More  often  it 
would  shoot  into  the  air,  revolving 
sideways  with  great  rapidity.  On 
very  rare  occasions  it  would  fly 
straight  up,  still  spinning.  When  that 
'lappened  the  player  endeavoured  to 
satch  the  reel  again  upon  the  string 
>eforo  it  could  touch  the  ground. 
Miss  MIDDLETON  says  she  has  done  it 
wice,  but  that  was  in  France. 

"  Where  are  the  text-books  on  the 
subject?"  I  asked.  Great  Diabo- 
Vx/.s  at  a  Glance.  Have  you  got  that 
n  the  house?  " 

"We've  got  The  Diabolist  from 
\Yithin,  and  The  Hundred  Best 
^iabolists,  and  Fifteen  Decisive 
DiaboUslg  of  the  World." 


'  You  know,  this  is  a  game  that 
one  ought  to  begin  at  the  nursery 
end — when  the  limbs  are  supple  and 
the  wind  is  good.  Are  you  aware 
that  there  is  a  small  boy  in  England 
somewhere  who  has  caught  the  thing 
one  thousand  four  hundred  and 
thirty-seven  times  consecutively?" 
'What's  his  name?" 

"  I  don't  know.  GERARD,  I  should 
think.  1437  GERARD." 

"  Boys  like  that  are  generally 
called  EDWARD,"  said  Miss  MIDDLE- 
TON.  "  All  the  same  I  don't  believe 
it.  How  many  times  did  you  say?  " 

"  One  thousand  five  hundred  and 
eighty-two.  He  's  quite  a  little  chap, 
and  he  regards  the  present  situation 
in  the  railway  world  as  fraught  with 
grave  danger  to  both  parties.  They 
wired  to  ask  him." 

"  I  nearly  did  it  then." 

"I'm  really  going  to  do  it  now. 
Now  watch." 

I  got  it  spinning  beautifully. 
When  it  was  going  at  its  very  best 
pace  I  pulled  my  hands  apart.  Miss 
MIDDLETON  gazed  into  the  air. 

"  How  extraordinary!  "  she  said. 

I  shaded  my  eyes  with  my  hand. 

"Is  it  in  sight  again  yet?"  I 
asked. 


"  You  'd  better  get  ready.  It  will 
be  here  soon,  I  should  think." 

I  began  to  feel  quite  excited. 

"  I  bet  EDWARD  never  got  it  higher 
than  this,"  I  said,  as  I  held  the  utip- 
ping-rope  up. 

"  I  wish  I  had  my  opera-glasses. 
I  wonder  if  I  should  have  time  to — 
Hallo !    What  's  that?  "    She  pointed 
to  the  ground. 

"  What?   That  's  yours,  isn't  it?  " 

"  No,  there  's  mine." 

"  Then — perhaps  you  had  three? 

"No,  I'm  sure  I  didn't."  She 
picked  it  up  and  examined  it. 

"  Docs  it — docs  it  look  as  if  it  had 
fallen  from  a  very  great  height?  " 

"  Well,  no." 

"  Oh,  well,  I Oh,  Diabolo." 

***** 

Diabolo.  Of  course  I  know  now 
that  I  was  wrong  when  I  started 
skipping  round  the  lawn.  That  is 
not  how  they  play  it  in  Franco.  But 
still  I  cannot  help  thinking  it  com- 
pares favourably  with  the  French 
method.  And  undeniably  it  was  :i 
smart  performance  of  mine.  Then- 
was  one  moment  by  the  laurel 
bushes.  .  .  Well,  I  don't  want  tr 
boast,  but  I  must  say  I  doubt  if 
Knxv.xnn  could  have  done  it.  A.  A.  M. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE    LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[SEPTEMBER  25,  1907. 


BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Staff  of  Learned  Clerk*.) 


OUR 

\/r.  /' 

Mr.  CoMiM>'  :nancc—  or  "  pimple  tali-,"  as  lie 

calls  it  —  '1  ',jt-nt    (Mi 


.  e, 


following,  for  it 
which  is  rxrl 


MI!,    hut 

I    his    London — particularly     > 
and  i:  I   n  member  this  great  i-it 

more  sinister  uses.  a  atory 

•  iliur  and  tin-  t.-nnri:-:   written  with 

Slldl    power    HI  '  'ho    (Mil     : 

the  MOM  j>Uee  to  an  j  of  its  readers.  Mr.  CO\K.M>  seems 
;••  know  equally  min'it.  ly  the  minds  l»>th  of  umitubiatfi 
:ilid  l>olicc,  in. 

with  tl  ie  of  international  politics.     It   i.-  n 


•  of  Mr.  F.i.uoTi  's  art  tin. 

them   us  mil.   and   not  as  a  n  •  ous  tricking 

out  of  h.  I  also  venture  to  suggest  tlutt  a  w 

with  u  htylc  which  in  general  is  BO  nervous  :.  lent 

'••  such  a  phrase 

is,  like  wo  are  told  did  t!  :,  of 

1  in  the   Komaii  amphitheatre."      I  will 
from  Mr.  KI.I.IOTT  on  a  note  of  blame. 


Mr.    1   congratulate   him   heartily  on   the  execution   of  a  fine 
•well,    i.r.l  p. iwrrfnl  jiiecc  of  \\ork. 


FACTS    mi;   KYKKYONK. 


,s        .\\onir.K  fifty  volumes  have  been  add-   i 

'«    I.ihrary.      \    few    chatty    facts    about   this    f> 
:>lishing  may  interest  our  i 

11  ice  all  the  volumes  puhlished   up  to  tin-  hour  of 

1  erf  ill  book,  and  1  NOOinraeod*  it  heartily  to  all    writ.-  "ii   top  of  the   other   would   take   the  entire 


grown-up  renders. 


Act  of  God,  by  H..I-.KRT 
ELLIOTT  (I>t  i  hwoKTin,  is  one  of 
the  most  remarkable  books  it 
has  been  my  good  fortui 
read  for  many  a  year.  Strictly 
speaking,  it  is  a  dramatic  epi- 
sode rather  than  a  novel  on  the 
orthodox  plan,  but  into  this  epi- 
sode are  crowded  nearly  all  the 
greater  passions  and  the  smaller 
motives  by  which  humanity  is 
moved.  Love,  jealousy,  ambi- 
tion, heroism,  self-denial,  re- 
venge, intrigue,  back-biting — all 
these  and  more  come  into  play 
in  Act  of  God.  The  scene  is  laid 
on  an  East  Indiaman  in  mid- 
ocean  twenty-five  years  ago,  and 
the  persons  of  the  drama  are  the 
officers,  the  sailors,  the  two 
saloon  passengers,  and  the  emi- 
grants who  sail  on  the  ship. 
Their  daily  lives,  the  clash  of 
their  personalities  and  interests, 
their  associations,  their  conflicts 
and  their  conversation  are  ren- 
dered in  a  fashion  that  is  not 
far,  if  at  all,  short  of  genius, 
so  strong  is  the  impression  of  absolute  accuracy  and 
fidelity  to  life  that  Mr.  ELLIOTT  creates.  His  cha- 
racters define  themselves  in  an  instant  before  tin- 
mind  of  the 

description,  no  subtle  analysis  of  elusive  character- 
istics is  needed.  A  phrase  or  a  gesture  seems  to  be 
enough  to  endow  one  of  Mr.  ELLIOTT'S  men  and  women 
with  individuality.  By  no  means  inferior  is  the  skill 
with  which  he  makes  his  atmosphere.  The  ship  is 
doomed:  that  you  foci  from  the  beginning,  and  you  feel 
it  no  less  even  during  such  lighter  scenes  as  that  of  the 
concert  on  board,  excellent  as  is  the  humour  with  which 
this  is  enlivened.  Kvcntually  the  ship  catch. -s  fire. 
scene,  and  Mr.  KI.I.IOTT  rises  splendidly 
to  the  height  of  it.  The  incident  n  •  rank  in  the 

very  f  the  greut  tales  of  unavailing  courage 

terrible  tragedy  at  sea.  There  is  no  happy  ( -nding. 
to  such  a  story.  One  caution  I 
are  incidents  and  - 

which   an-   strong  in   more   than  one   sen  so,   but,   though 
I  am  bound  to  odd  that  it  is  to  the 


THE  COOSEQUILL  FOttNTAIH  PEN  CO.    LTD. . 

.-  ^HKWUI- 


[X  It.  Thin  ii  not  »  solitary  example.  We  have 
hundreds  of  similar  Testimonials  at  our  offices,  which 
may  be  seen  there  any  day.] 


time    of    one    a. 
plumber      from      da\      to     day, 
from     S.  :  ;ntil    the 

first   frost  of   T 

If     put     side      by      side      • 
sinirle  shelf,  the  volumes  in  this 
-  would  reach   from  Land's 
Kr.d    to    within     a    mile    and    a 
half  of  .John  o'  (ir..at>.   provided 

that    sufficient    s|  ]•  ft 

en   the    v<ilumes,  and   that 

a  shelf  of  that    length  could   be 
obtain.  •! 

Assuming    that    •  f    in 

books  is  suflieielit  to  light 
one  pipe,  the  tlalne  of  the 
whole  series  would  be  eipial  to 
two  average  Hennondsey  fires. 
The  tobacco  so  lighted  would 
make  a  mound  as  big  as  Urix- 
ton  Hill;  it  would  also  provide 
enough  cigarettes  to  run  two 
Limerick  Competitions  of 
a  magnitude  that  the  eri< 
chosen  to  adjudicate  would  not 
be  free  to  play  on  more  than 
four  to  six  days  n  week. 

The  sum-totul  of  the  intellect 
displayed  in  the  works  of  the 
Library  that  of  Mr. 

GILBKRT    K.    Cn>:sn:itroN,    Mr!    II  M  .    and    Mr. 

MAX  HKKKIIOHM  combined.      It  would  not  be  safe  • 
the  name  of  Mr.   I'.iuvMin  SHAW  to  this  galaxy,  for  it  is 


reader.       No    laborious     piling     up    of  [well  known  that  Mr.  SHAW  lias  made  great  strides,  and 

'reached  unusual  heights,  during  recent  tin 

An  expert  estimates  that  during  the  next  few  months 

there  will  I n-viged  in  the  building  trades  T.I'I  l!i  more 

men    than   e\er   before,   owing   to   the   demand    f.>r 
accommodation  for  the  Everyone's  Library. 

If    all    tihe    authors   of    these    l>ooks    could    be    brought 
to-Mhcr  and   arranu'ed   in   two  parties  for  n  tug  of  war. 
the  rope  required  would  be  l..ne  ei:,. ugh  to  hang  all  tho 
that     a    confirmed    dyspeptic,    in    his    most    dys- 
•nt-nts,    thinks  ought    t'.   be   hat 


"  A  <  imitlenian  in  Cried  would  pay  for  an  waxional  Day's 

-hut.    Does  not  nxjui:  killed." 

Hnithrarn  lltraU. 

WHAT  a  remarkable  shot  he  must  be,  if  he  can  pick 
thum  off  while  living. 


OCTOBER  2,  1907.] PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVA  ill. 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIM:  latest  news  from  Morocco  is 
that  MI-LAI  HAFID  is  said  to  have 
registered  an  oath  that  he  will  not 
rest  until  ABDUL  Aziz  has  become 
AHIH-L  A/.WA/.. 

V 

The  second  Hague  Peace  Confer- 
ence is  at  an  end.  There  have  been 
many  pleasant  dinner  -  parties  and 
social  functions,  and,  before  parting, 
the  delegates  unanimously  recom- 
mended to  the  Powers  to  arrange  for 

u  third  Conference. 
*  * 

The  City  of  London  Corporation 
has  decided  to  invite  the  KAISER  to  a 
"  dt'jcuncr  "  at  the  Guildhall  on  the 
occasion  of  his  visit  to  this  country  in 
November.  We 
understand  that  a 
dcjnincr  was  de- 
cided on  in  prc- 
fcrence  to  a 
luncheon  as  be- 
ing less  likely  to 
hurt  the  feelings 
of  our  French 

friends. 

*  * 

The  newspaper 
reports  of  Prince 

R  A  N  J  I  T  S  I  N  II  J  I's 

approaching  mar- 
riage are  authori- 
tatively declared 
to  be  unfounded. 
The  Prince  has 

been   laid  lip  with 

enteric  fever  for 
the  past  six 
week's,  and,  in 
some  mysterious 
way,  this  got  ex- 
aggerated into 
the  rumour  now 
denied. 

%* 

The  feeling  against  Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL  is  sometimes  carried  to 
absurd  lengths.  For  instance,  on 
reading  that  the  Admiralty  was  going 
to  lend  the  Under  Secretary  for  the 
Colonies  a  cruiser  for  his  African 
tour,  a  well-known  Tory  was  heard 
to  growl,  "  Well,  I  hope  the  Ad- 
miralty will  get  her  back!  " 

At  the  sale  of  a  waxwork  exhibi- 
tion at  Douglas  last  week,  lot  20, 
consisting  of  Sir  HENKY  CAMPBELL- 
BANNF.KMAN  and  Mr.  HALL  CAINE. 
fetched  15s.,  and  Mr.  CAINE  is  said 
to  be  surprised  that  the  PIUMF. 
MINISTER  should  have  been  valued 
at  only  '2s.  Qd. 

*  * 

The-  Countess  MONTIGNOSO  and 
Signor  TOSELLI,  it  is  stated,  intend  to 


take  up  tin  ir  residence  in  England. 
It  is  said  that  Mr.  WILLIAM  I.K 
Qri:rx,  whom  it  is  the  fashion  i,, 
sneer  at  in  some  quarters,  is  respon- 
sible for  this  great  compliment  to  our 
country. 

V 

At  last  the  man  who,  a  year  or  BO 
ago,  threw  his  cmintry  into  a  tur- 
moil of  excitement  by  keeping  his 
whereabouts  a  secret,  has  been  dis- 
covered by  an  enterprising  news- 
paper—but he  still  refuses  to  come 
home.  "  Mr.  WILLIAM  MAII.KY,  an 
Englishman",'1  says  The  Daily  AVirx, 
"  has  just  -sailed  from  Philadelphia 

in  a  44-foot  boat  for  New  Zealand." 
*  * 

While  admitting  that  there  have 
been  one  or  two  unfortunate  police 


inker's    mouth,    and    was    swul- 
,  ultimately  dying  in  great  pain 


*   * 


\  fflstoryol  the  World,  from  Bible 
Times  to  tin'  Ciiiiiden  Town  Murder, 
is  amuiune.-d  b\  tie'  M.  »«.  HAIIMS- 
\\oKTII. 

*    * 

I  often  wonder,"  says  u  writer  in 
Tin-  .S'/'/nn-,   "  what  ciib-driv.-rs  were 
before        they        were       cah-dr'r. 
•Journalists'!1 

=i 
How  it  strikes  a  Contemporary. 

"  Ono  coilM  not  lielp,  c-jnvially  on  tlio  first 
ilay.   boiug  struck    by    what   a    |ir.,|,,it 
small   number    of   men    who,    in    (pile    of    the 
lie.it.    wore   the   now   almost    universal    straw 
\iai" -The  Onlooker. 


DURING    A    STRIKE    OF    CADDIES. 

Jurenile  Striker.  "CABRY  TER  CADDIE,  Siu?" 


"  Billiards. 
After  CO  minutes  play  : 

Rothcrliam  Tuv.  n  I  ; 

•Jon  Atlilelic  1." 
Yorkshire  7V/iv/ni/i/i. 

IT  seems  a 
near  thing.  If 
only  one  of  the 
clubs  could  suc- 
ceed in  making  a 
cannon,  it  would 
place  it  in  u 
very  strong  posi- 
tion. 


blunders  recently,  Scotland  Yard 
considers  it  an  absurd  exaggeration 
to  talk  of  "  The  Copper  Crisis,"  as 
some  of  our  journals  do. 

Judge  TIXDAL  ATKINSON  states  that 
there  are  no  fewer  that  70,000  undis- 
charged bankrupts  in  this  country. 

They  nearly  all  smoke  huge  cigars. 

*  * 

Croydon  Borough  Council  has  de- 
cided to  allow  dogs  on  the  tramcars 
at  Id.  per  journey.  This  should  be  a 
great  convenience  for  animals  whose 
masters  take  them  out  when  they  go 
cycling. 

A   remarkable  incident  took   place 

at    the     Cardiff     Musical     Festival. 

While  Madame  AGNES  NICHOLAS  was 

singing,  a  common  house-fly,  anxious 

.irer  to  the  music,    flew  into 


sheets  just  to  show  'em. 


The  Simple  Rich. 

"In  a  letter  written 
on    a    single    glint    , .[ 
Slanilanll  >il  xlationcrv, 
Mr.    John     1 1.    I 
frltiT,  jmi.,Lah'Uii>  liis 
resignation  to  the  Itililo 
<'|a:-s       rxei-ulive." 
Daily  Tclrrjnijili. 

IK  we  were 
millionaires  we  M 
write  on  several 


Mr.  Punch  in  the  Class-Boom. 

"A  MK.MIIKK  OF  THE  SHELL  "  writes 
to  complain  that  last  week  he  was  set 
the  following  question  in  a  mathe- 
matical paper:— "The  next  issue  of 
I'nnch  (which  is  published  every 
Wednesday)  will  be  No.  3J56.  dive 
the  date  of  the  last  issue  in  which 
the  figures  ran  thus  consecutively." 

"Is  it  not,"  he  remarks,  "  a  pity 
that  a  paper  presumably  intended  for 
amusement  should  be  used  in  this 
way  as  an  instrument  of  torture'.'  " 

Our  correspondent  is  a  typical 
schoolboy  egoist.  He  thinks  only  of 
himself.  He  has  no  thought  for  his 
form-master's  happiness,  or  stops  to 
consider  how  his  tutor  comes  to  bo  so 
full  of  quiet  fun. 


TOL.   CZXXIII. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAR1V.MM. 


[OCTOBER  2,  1907. 


"THE    FIERY    CROSS." 

(See  Cartoon  on  o/'/i 


I. 

DEEP  peace  bad  now  a  goodish  while 
Brooded  o'er  B.-lmont'b  noble  i 

.  in  tin-  ilurk  In  forf  th«'  dii\Mi 
The    (.'AMI-IIKI.L   stretched    Ins    anus   of    brawn, 

;  sprang  from  bed  like  larks  that  soar, 
Ami  lit  up.  'ii  tin.-  yielding  i' 
And  struck  n  match  to  |  lit 

t  tin-  Firry  Cross  alight, 
And  by  its  blaze  drew  on  Ins  : 
His  targe  (in  case  In-  met  n  !'• 
His  kilt,  his  snrk,  his  nether  I 
And  really  nothing  much  I-  .  i-  .-. 

ii. 
Forth  sped  the  Chieftain  like  tlie  wind, 

banner   streaming   out    behind  — 
"  DOON  wi'  TIIK  LORDS!  "     By  brae  and  bent, 
O'er  burn  and  flood  away  he  \ 
Where'er  the  fiery  symbol  passed 
The  capereailzic  stood  aghast; 
The  roedeer,  couched  beside  the  rills, 
Made  off  like  lightning  for  the  hills  ; 
And  one  could  hear  each  hamlet  hum, 
"  The  CAMPBELL  '&  coming!     Ay,  he  's  come!  " 
Dunedin  saw  him  from  afar, 
And  took  him  for  a  shooting  star, 
I'ntil  lie  paused  on  Arthur's  Scat 
I  Not  Whittingehame)  to  rest  his  feet 
And  trim  his  flame,  then  off  once  more 
In  a  bee-line  for  Rothesay's  shore; 
From  forth,  in  fact,  to  Clyde  he  flew, 
And  passed  it  on  to  ROBERT  CHRU.* 

in. 

The  belted  Earl  sprang  forth  in  air 
Looking  extremely  debonair, 
Nor  faltered  though  around  his  cars 
Those  callous  loons,  his  brother  I'. 
Doomed  like  himself  with  all  their  House, 
Flung  pellets  aimed  at  old  cock-grouse; 
Hut  ran,  a  messenger  of  Wrath, 

ng  the  sign  to  bold  Arbroath, 
Where  just  beneath  the  Town  Hall  clock 
!:••  gave  the  thing  to  Honest  JOCK. 

IV. 

Speed,  MORLKY,  speed  !     Your  lissome  legs 
Must  move  like  Tarn  O'Shanicr'g  Mcg't, 
For  lo!  the  Chieftain's  self  awaits 
Your  coming  by  Dunfermlim-'s  gates, 
Spoiling  to  try  a  second  spell 
Now  that  his  wind  is  pretty  well. 

v. 

Next  Forfar  saw  the  signal  burn, 
And  JOCK  WJIR  gi\  ber  turn, 

Which  wore  him  out  nnd  made  him  wheeze, 
Or  he  rould  win  to  far  Dun-fi 
Whence,  leaving  M,.KMY  in  a  faint, 
SINCI.MH.  tin-  \\arrior,  fn-sh  as  pnint, 
Slipped  northward,  KC,.  idling  oarth, 

To  rouge  the  dyeing  sons  of  lYrtb, 


•  T!.c  author  roabaw  to  be  iliakjr  *boat  ScoU  nom*n<-l»lnr»,  l.i.t 
(.not*  that  the  compatriot*  of  RODERICK  DllC  will  accept  tliii  G.I 
renion  of  Lord  Cirwc'i  name. 


1  Vcl  :•  brands, 

And  left  his  own  in  T\\i:>  <  hands. 


I..  .rd  of  -t, 

Trailing  his  ;  st, 

Till  Glasgow  caught    tin-   sacred   b:m 
Firm  in  the  fist  of  lies.  r 

burned  the  rallying  sign  of  war, 
A   mere  .  •uiiip.   i. 

And  it  was  H'x>n  ahoul  to  I  .• 
('"Ill  •  ly.   ii.il   not   lie. 

(»f  those  great    li  -t   Mini   1 

lilown   with   his  breath   a  bellows  blast 

it  hluxing  like  a  f,  ,rg. 
"I'was  Scotia's  jiride,   (he   l.i.oyn   M, 
His  kilt  betrayed  his  Highland  br.  ed, 
So  ilii)  the  hose  of   Harris  tw- 
Wherein  was  thrust  his  honnie  dirk, 
Built   for  the.   stalker's   bluidy   work, 
And    likeu  ight    of    I 

(  i.   S. 


THE    LFASE. 


NIN\   h:i-.n't    1  .....  n   d"i.  big   thii  |  .      \\'e 

hod  a  picnic  of  our  own,  and  I  about  the 

•id  the  wasps  ami  rl   of  thing  (hut 

she  forgot  all  about  In  i  i  i  Then 

with  the  A  IMS-SON  ehildren,  and  they 

don't  cure  for  NINA'S  games.  Their  father  has  a  lot  of 
horses,  ami  they  ki  .  and  what 

horse    \\"i,  ,.,d    all    that.         So    1   \e    bad    a    rest. 

Before  that    NINA   had   i  so  quiek   from 

one  thing  to  another  that   I    didn't    know   who   I    was. 
Once  I  started  u  Murxo,  Kin^'  of  the  Os'iu  ......  n; 

then  I  turned  into  I'KINCI:  VI.AI>IMIK,  the  Russian 
Nihilist;  and  last  of  all  1  was  I'.i>\\  \mi  TIIK  SIXTH  found- 
ing a  Grammar  Sehool  in  state.  SI  i  me  to  be 

II-KHOK  OK  JAI-AN  after  that,  but  1  said  I  'd  had 
enough. 

Yesterday  she  began  again.     She  told  me  she  M 
to  see  Dad   in  the  smoking-room   in   the   morning,   and 
he  'd  consulted  her  about  something  that  had  come  in  n 
long    white   envelop,..      1  ud    asked    her    to    read    it,    and 
said,  "  I  shall  be  glad  to  have  your  a  . 
it  through,   and   she   told   me   n  :.  ten-sting. 

She  said  it  was  a  Counterpart.  1  said,  "  What  's  that  . 
Is  it  anything  like  a  counterpane:'"  NINA  said,  "Of 
course  not,  you  silly  little  boy.  1;  '.-  s  -mething  written 
on  paper  by  a  great  lawyer."  I  :  uldn't 

think  of  anything  els".     Then  she  said  it   had  given  In  T 
an  idea.     Then-  wen-  p,  ople  in  it,  she  said,  and  li- 
very serious  things  to  one  another,  and  we  could  act   it 
beautifully.    She  suid,  "  1  will  be  the  said  l.i  --..u—  he  's 
one  of  the  people—  and  you  must   he  the  said  Li 
she  's  another."     I  said,  "  Isn't  then-  anything  for  Mrs. 
ArsTiN'.'     l'i  rhaps  sin-  'II  !„•  offended  if  we  keep  1 
of  it."'      Nix\  thought  a  bit,  and  then  she  said  then-  \v:i:, 
somebody  else  in  the  story,  but  she  couldn't  remember 
his  name.     She  went  olT  to  the  smoking-room  (•• 
she  could    find    it,    and    I    w.  nt    •  ,i\    in    the 

s>  -mints'-hall. 

Well,  in  n  minute  (.r  hi,,  Ni  in,   and    ' 

directly     from     her    look     that     .-he'd     found     what     she 
i.      She    said.    "  We    •,  |    ),,    |,.'1|)    us,    Mrs. 

•-.     I   am  the  said   Llissoit,  and  1  1  I,I;I,I:KT  here  is  thi- 

rl Lusn.     \\iil  you  be  the  said  MMBBAOB?"  Mrs. 

AI-STIN  said,  "  Mess  o'  what?  Whv,  whatever  is  the 
child  talking  about  ?  I  'vo  got  i:  Qg  to  attend  to 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. -  O.-IMHKK  2,  1907. 


THE    FIERY   CROSS." 


CHIEFTAIN  C-B.  "QUID  SEND  THE  RAIN  DOE6NA  COME  ON  AN'  PIT  IT  GOT! 

[The  Liberal  campaign  in  Scotland  against  the  House  of  Lords  is  announce,!  to  begin  on  October  5th,  on  which  date 

is  to  address  a  meeting  in  Edinburgh  J 


OCTOUI.U  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


239 


Ethel  (to  suffering  kinsman).  "  You  SHALL  IUVE  THIS  TO-KIUIIT,  UNCLE — FBIED  IN  BUTTER  !  " 


directly."  NINA  didn't  got  angry.  She  said,  "Mrs. 
AUSTIN,  you  don't  want  to  spoil  our  innocent  amuse- 
ment, do  you?  "  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said,  "  How  you  do  run 
on,  Miss  NINA.  You  got  that  from  your  father,  I  '11 
warrant."  At  last  NINA  persuaded  her.  She  told  Mrs. 
AUSTIN  that  the  said  MESSUAGE  was  really  a  French 
Marquis,  who  was  flying  in  disguise  from  the  guillotine. 
The  said  LESSOR  was  the  jailer  and  executioner,  and  the 
said  LESSEE  was  the  jailer's  daughter.  All  Mrs.  AUSTIN 
had  got  to  do  was  to  make  love  to  me,  and  then  force 
herself  through  the  prison-bars,  and  go  down  a  rope 
made  of  sheets  tied  together.  J  was  to  watch  her 
through  the  window,  and  then  NINA  would  catch  her 
and  cut  her  head  off.  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said  she  was  always 
getting  her  head  cut  off  or  something.  Couldn't  she  get 
off  free  this  time?  NINA  said  she  would  have  liked  to 
let  Mrs.  AUSTIN  off,  but  she  had  to  do  what  was  in  the 
Counterpart,  and  she  was  sorry  to  say  Mrs.  AUSTIN  had 
got  to  be  killed. 

At  last  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said  she  'd  do  it,  and  then  we 
began.  I  took  one  of  Mum's  feathery  hats,  and 
hung  a  tablecloth  over  my  back.  NINA  wound  a 
bit  of  red  flannel  round  her  neck,  and  tied 
ROY'S  chain  round  Mrs.  AUSTIN,  nnd  told  her  to 
say  in  a  sad  voice,  "  Twenty  years  have  I  been  an 
inmate  of  this  dreadful  dungeon.  Shall  I  never  see  the 
light  of  day  again?  "  Mrs.  AUSTIN  laughed  and  said  a 
bit  of  it,  and  then  I  came  in  bringing  her  bread  and 
water.  I  said  (I  got  it  from  NINA),  "  IVspair  not,  my 
beloved  MKSSUAGE.  Together  we  will  break  a  bar  of 
your  window."  We  broke  the  bar  like  winking,  and 
then  I  gave  Mrs.  AUSTIN  my  handkerchief  to  hold  on 


to,  and  she  escaped.  But  she  hudn't  gone  once  round 
the  room  before  NINA  was  on  to  her.  "  Villain  I  "  said 
NINA,  "  thou  wouldst  fain  conspire  against  the  state. 
How  didst  thou  get  hero?  Say."  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said, 
"  LIZZIE  helped  me."  "  What?  "  shrieked  NINA,  "  my 
daughter,  my  innocent  prattler,  my  little  LESSKK?  " 
"  The  same,"  said  Mrs.  AUSTIN.  "  Make  haste  now,  or 
your  father  and  mother  won't  get  any  soup  for  dinner." 
NINA  gave  her  a  look,  and  then  she  ordered  Mrs.  AVSTIX 
to  kneel  up  on  one  of  the  chairs.  "  Thy  crimes,"  she 
said,  "  have  brought  thee  to  the  guillotine."  Then  she 
chopped  her  head  off  with  the  rolling-pin,  which  she  'd 
fetched  in  from  the  kitchen,  and  pretended  to  hold  it  up 
to  the  people.  She  said,  "  So  perish  all  enemies  of  the 
Republic."  I  forgot  to  say  she  'd  told  mo  to  faint  on 
the  floor.  I  tried  to,  but  she  didn't  like  it.  She  said 
people  who  fainted  didn't  gurgle  and  roll  about.  They 
just  lay  still  till  somebody  came  and  dashed  water  in 
their  faces.  I  told  her  there  wasn't  anybody  to  do  that 
for  me.  She  said,  "  Child,  I  should  have  restored  thee 
myself,  for  after  all  thou  art  my  only  daughter."  I 
hadn't  thought  of  that. 

Our  Inglorious   Game. 

WE  can  all  appreciate  the  sportsman  who  sacrifices 
his  private  interests  for  the  common  good.  Such  a 
man  appears  to  be  MOKLEY,  of  Notts  County,  and  it  in 
the  Nottingham  Football  News  which  records  his  simple 
heroism. 

"Morlcy  increased  the  displeasure  of  the  crowd  by  tripping  Bridged, 
but  as  the  Sunderland  flier  was  going  through  like  a  man  possessed,  it 
was  the  only  thing  the  Notts  back  could  do.  He  played  the  gaiuo 
for  his  side." 


£40 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHAKIVAKI. 


[OCTOBER  :'.  1 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

(  >\   i  '.  -:\ij   Si.ow. 


DEAREST   I>M'IIXK,-  The  inevitable 

reaction    a_-.i.:  -t    : 

top    speed    :n-  DM    little    time 

»gO,  and  nothing  's  been  more  elite 
than  a  carav  , 

of  boasting  nlxnit  how  I/M.  •/.///  v, 
get  to  places,  we  've  gone  to  tin-  <  ;h.  r 
extreme.  U\;:s.  who  has  a  lovely 
barge,  and  has  been  taking  parties 
on  it,  is  ipiitc  proud  of  tin-  (act  that, 
when  she  was  ask.  .1  to  tl,,  MIMH.I  - 
SHIRKS'  place  last  month,  it  took  her 
•  week's  barging  to  e  If 

you  've  any  jx..-try  in  you,  or  any 
of  those  ideas  that  are  so  profound 
that  you  can't  <>vt>n  make  anything  of 
tin-in  yourself,  barging  will  bring  it 
all  out.  Lit  i  -,  has 

followed    up   his    Caravan    Chansons 
with    a    volume    of    Barge    HaUailx. 
Everyone  's   reading   them.     Here  's 
•-•  :  — 

As  I  gaze  at  the  home  plodding  on,  plodding  on, 
As  the  towing-rope  dips  and  I  glide  on  the 

stream, 
The  World,  with  its  madness  and  sadness,  is 

gone, 
And,  barging,  I  dream. 

I  don't  like  the  metre,  and  I  told 
him  so;  but  ho  says  it  's  all  right, 
that  it  's  written  in  antesthetics. 

I  'd  a  lovely  time  caravanning  with 
BOSH  and  WKI:-\\'KK  lust  month. 
Their  living  vans  are  things  of  slu-.-r 
joy.  She  and  I  pot  ourselves  up  for 
gipsies,  and  called  ourselves  FAA 
(that  's  the  proper  name  to  have  if 
you're  a  gipsy  —  I  don't  know 
whether  I  've  put  enough  a's  into  it). 
It  used  to  be  simply  delicious  arriv- 
ing in  the  evening  at  one  of  tln.se 
sleepy,  out-of-the-world  villages  in 
the  Hundred  of  Something,  where 
there  are  Roman  remains  and  you 
can't  get  anything  fit  to  eat,  and 
lighting  our  fire,  lifter  we  'd  drawn 
up  our  vans  on  the  village  green  or 
somewhere,  and  cooking  and  all 
that.  BOSH  refused  to  make  him- 
self look  picturesque,  and  rather 
spoilt  things.  We  'd  only  one  un- 
pleasant happening,  and  that  was 
when  we  fell  in  with  (and  fell  out 
with)  some  real  gipsies  —  most  shock- 
ing creatures,  my  dear,  who  B\-.. 
us  in  a  horrid  jargon  that  BOSH  said 
was  Romany. 

But  the  Vivvv  FLI-MMERVS  had  an 
even  horridcr  adventure  when   (/.  .  i/ 
were  caravanning.      It  was  at 
mote    little   place,    and    v.  In!.-    tiny 
were  drawn  up  for  the   night   their 
hones  were  stolen.     So  there   they 
were,   plants*   Id/     Vivvy   and   their 
m.  ri  went  off  to  look  for  ti 
and  jKK>r  ]>«>TTY  was  left  all  nlo 

f,  lots  of  village  c-reatur.  s  with 


high  colours  and  yellow  teeth  coming 

.    and 

m:iki:  .•!>•«    on     her     wh, 

they  caught    sight   of   her. 

timid,     fearful     little 

11     that    one     me.  Mines 

.•\.-ri  tu-tliiy,  mid  she  got  frightened. 
and  i  :iey  M  put  her 

into  the  pound  or  the  -  -.iine- 

thing;    and  when    VIVVY    came 
-he  clung  t<>  him  and  1  said 

he   n.  leave   her   like 

that    aiMin.      He    hadn't     found     the 
.rd    anything    of    them: 
and   a   beadle,  or  whatever   they   call 

::ie    out    of    tl  .    with    all 

the  Vol..  Is.  following  him,  ai:d  told 
them  they  M  the 

Lord  of  the  Manor  didn't  allow 

tiier  •  for  m<:»v  than  • 

.f  that  kind. 

'how    .  r    olf    without    our 

horses?"  said  VIVVY.  "I  don't 
know  anything  about  that,"  said  the 
fellow.  .  've  got  (,,  drar  off." 

(Aren't  those  \.,l..-ls  maddenim: 

'     Talk  «'.f    Hud;    to    the    I. and. 

1  !  If  it  makes  p.  opl.-  so  stupid 
and  aggravating,  better  n<>/  go  |l!l(.k 
to  it,  I  should  say.)  "  Sp.-al;  more 
civillv."  said  VIVVY.  "]>'von  know- 
that  *  I 'm  So-and-SO?"  "Oh,  I 

ay!"  said  the  creature,  while 
all  the  other  yokels  set  up  a  guffaw. 
"  All  you  show-people  give  your- 
I  fine  names.  Why  not  say  you 
was  the  I'KINCK  OF  WALKS  at  once? 
'Kre  comes  a  gentleman  riding  along 
as  '11  soon  make  you  clear  off — this 
is  the  Lord  of  the  Manor,  this  is." 
And  so  it  was;  and  it  was  also  JACK 
MAIXWAKIXCI,  and  there  was  a 
meeting,  and  the  yokels  ui 
themselves  in  the  dust. 

li  caravanning  and  barging  have 
one  great  advantage,— they   n     very 
becoming,   they  give  a  restful,  con- 
tented   expression,    and    stamp   out 
that  look  of  horror  and   cxpcc- 
of     instant    death     that     high 
motoring  gives  some  people.     Josivn 
says    he'll    have    some    lovely    vans 
built,   and  we  '11  go  caravannii 

-  next  summer;  but  I  tell  him 
that  's  not  the  idea  of  caravanning. 
and  that  ho  really  must  get  rid  of 
that  notion  that  we  're  always  to  be 
;:er,  and  do  everything  in  a 
We  shall  get  on  much 
lii-tter,"  I  said,  "  if  We.  don't  Si 
much  of  each  other.  Look  at  the 
Cuoi-i-Y  VAVASSOKS!  What  a  com- 
fortable couple  tln-y  are  ! 
long  ago  they  other  as 

strangers  at  Waterloo  station,  be- 
cause, Since  they  la-t  met,  hf  'd 
grown  a  b.-ar.l,  and  >  :  dif- 

'oinvd     hair    and     the    new 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  that  's  not   mv 


idea  of   marriage,   and   never  will   be. 

.  i;l.  -'.  I.I  •! 
gether,   and   ih<  >j  ' ri    man. 

.    "  but     Hosu    and 
\\  I  i:  are  a  couple  in  a  lln>. 

ir  pals  in  Sjiitf  of  being 

d!  " 

I  've  got  a  new  pet.        I   hope  dar- 
ling     /','/;  ill      With 

It    s  ai. 

spider      tl  -4  creature  '      with 

a  do/en  i  ;•  (ually  full  m. 

as  to  1.  e>.  I;  '..  Miii|.ly -  mo-t  awfully 
clever  and  affectionate,  and  1  'in  sure 
knows  my  whistle  a!:  1  've 

had   the  tliiintii-xt    tiny  gold  wire   bar- 

•!iade  for  it,  studdeii  with  j- 
and  a  slender  gold   chain   iitt.-u-l 
to  a   !>rt -.-let  or  a  rinu-.      ! 
chiefly //i/;    1 'in  alv  hing  them 

for    it,    and    evi  -A  ho    lov, 

goes  and  does  likewise.     The  darling 
has      one      supreme      merit        Aunt 
(ioi.inK  is  so  frighten.-.!  <if  it  that  she 
never  comes  near  us  now.      Sh. 
that  if  it  bit  her  she  M  hav 
on    dancing    the    tarantella    till    she 
died!       She    needn't    be    afraid.       The 
t   and  in.  st   awful  spider  in  the 
world,   putting  in  its  very  hint   work, 
couldn't   make  In  r 

I    call    it    Jack,    but    NOIITY 

ailing 

it  Jill.        He  .    such    absurd 

things!        Kver  thine,       I'.nsriiK. 

BOO! 

IT'S  too  bad  of  Mr.  CU.SWOUTHY. 
Why  wo."'t   he   let   me  play   the   1'inii 
It  often    happens   that   when 
an  author  has  made  a  distil 
the  critics  all  condemn  his  n.-\i 
by    comparison,    and    then    it    is    FO 
pleasant  and  distinguished    to 
out   and    reassure    him.      Hut   in    tin- 
case  of  Joy  there  is  no  chance  at-nll  ; 
one   can   only,    as  an    honest   critic, 
boo  with  the  rest,  with  a  sob  in  one's 
voice,  and  hoping  he  will  i 
one.      Tin-  Ni(i-(  r  /{ej- was  a  line  play, 
a    play    with    an    idea   in    it,    freshly 
"observed,"    and    marching    grimly 
along  to  a  conclusion.     Joy,  t<<>,  has 
an  idea,  but  it  is  dully  stated,  work- 
ing among  unint.  •  "pie,   and 
reaching    no   conclusion    lit   all.        A 
imirri-                  in     is    placed     b,  : 
her  love   for  her  child,   a  girl   .  • 

and  her  passion  for  a  man  who 
her  husband      the  man  and  the 
situation  being  intensely  r,-pul> 
the  child.        Then   is  your  "  conflict 
of    wills,"   to    he    sure,    but    nothing 
comes   of   it.     The   girl    iinj 
moth.-r    to    give     the    man    up,     the 
woman    si-it.-s   her 

bv  lu-r  husband  and  her  i|. -..jr.-  to 
"  live  her  own  life."  And  that  is  all. 
The  girl's  attention  is  simply  dis- 


OCTOBER  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


241 


I'd  by  a  fatuous  youth  \vln 
makes  love  to  her,  and  the  curtail 
falls.  The  rest  of  the  play  is  invlo 
vant  (>alk  and  irrelevant  people. 
am  far  from  objecting  to  them  or 
that  account,  not  being  a  purist  ii 

•  things;  but  the  talk  and  the 
people  are  alike  commonplace,  am 
that  will  not  do.  It  seemed  almos 
impossible  that  the  play  was  thi 
work  of  the  same  man  who  wrote 
The  Man  of  Property  and  Tht 
I'i'inilnj  House,  to  say  nothing  o 
The  Silver  Box.  Joy,  indeed!  I 
was  a  bitter  disappointment,  am 

I  am    very   angry   indeed   with   Mr 

(  i.\  I, S  WORTHY.       Boo! 

There  was  not  much  more  chance 
for  the  players  than  for  the  benevo 
lent  critic.       Miss  DOROTHY  MINTO. 
as  the  girl,  had  the  best,  and  used  i 
admirably.     It  was  the  most  difficult 
part    she    has    had.        Her    militani 
young    "  suffragette  "    in    Votes    for 

II  omen  was  more  effective,  but  there 
she   had   the   advantage   of   a   direcl 
model,  which  makes  a  vast  difference 
as  any  actor  knows;  in  Joy  she  hac 
to  express  her  idea  of  a  high-spirited 
affectionate  young  thing,  and  she  die 
it  very  well  indeed.     I  was  sorry  for 
the    actress    who   played    a    parlour- 
maid,  and  had  to  do  a  little  dance 
with  a  champagne  bottle  alone  on  the 
stage ;  she  must  have  known  it  would 
not   amuse   us,   and   I  nearly   wept. 
Boo,  Mr.  GALSWORTHY,  boo!      RUE. 


A  SHORT  CUT  TO  JOURNALISTIC  SUCCESS. 

To  judge  from  several  recent  ma- 
gazine articles  and  volumes  the  ques 
tion  how  to  succeed  in  journalism  is 
as  popular  as  ever.  A  new  suggestion 
is  now  ventured  for  the  use  of  rising 
young  paper-men.  If  the  manufac- 
turer of  patent  medicines  advertises, 
why  should  not  the  manufacturer  of 
literary  articles?  The  former  is  not 
satisfied  with  the  mention  of  his 
article  in  a  chemist's  price-list — why 
should  the  author  be  contented  with 
the  mention  of  his  article  in  the 
Editor's  contents  list?  Here  are  a 
few  samples :  — 

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rator. 

Every  description  of  literary  article 
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Write  for  dainty  sample  paragraph 
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A   TRAGEDY    OF   THE    GUTTER. 

Kind  Lady.  "  WHAT  IUVE  YOU  LOST,  LITTLE  BOT  ?  " 
Boy  (sadly).  "JAM  TART,  MUM." 


19,000 — Nineteen  thousand — words 
)y  ENDYMION  SMITH  appeared  in  the 
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ith  inst.,   lie  will  hold   a   Clearance 

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Colonial  and  provincial  newspaper 
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PUNCH,  OR  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  :'.  ; 


THK    M.T.'S 
i  i  reason  for  trying  in  commit  wiii  i-lo 

O      lllllKnnl         f 

1'arlisBMBt 

»ork    •  ••>:'«'•  '•*    l'''r    hniiu'. 

••    •     •  '         .:   '       • 

.     .      " 

.IoY  filled  my  lx»som,  j 
When  it  wus  t<'ld  to 

That    (tKKTi-IIKX.    1 

\\    ,s   written   do\\ll    M.I'. 

1  tin-  fame  of  •  'lame, 

I   loved    tho    screw    that   GRET.  HIS 

drew — 
About  two  hundred  yearly. 

No  lot  _••  r  shall  I  toil,  thought  I, 

O'<  '  and  underpaid, 

No  longer  need  1  basely  ply 

The  pickaie  and  the  spud.  . 
Life  will  be  found  mi  enoMM  round 

Of  lagt  :  d  pleasure. 

And  I  may  smoke  "mid  envious  folk, 

A  gentleman  of  leisi 

Fond,  foolish  fancies!     All  too  quick 

I  realised  my  doom. 
I  had  but  changed  the  spado  and  pick 

For  scrubbing-brush  and  broom  ; 
I  rose  at  six  to  chop  the  sticks 

And  boil  the  morning  kettle ; 
I  bathed  tin1  twins,  stuck  safety-pins 

In  little  HANS  and  (IRKTEL. 

I  lived  retired  as  any  mouse; 

Abroad  I  dared  not  roam  ; 
While  GKKTCHKN    slacked   it   in   the 
House 

I  laboured  in  the  home. 
I    trimmed    her    hats,    likewise    the 
brats'— 

I  toiled  like  slave  in  galley, 
In  short,  I  played  cook-parlour-maid- 

Nurse-tweeny-butler-valet. 

Twas  bad,  yet  soon  was  1  to  find 

It  might  be  even  worse, 
For  GRETCHKN  had  a  frugal  mind, 

And  GRKTCIIEN  had  the  purse. 
"  And   since,"   said  she,    '  as  your 

M.r.. 

My  ezca  will  be  rising, 
It  V  plain  that  you  will  have  to  do 
The  whole  economising." 

So  now  I  '  ve  scarce  a  «ou  to  spend ; 

We  've  nought  but  bread  to  eat; 
But,  though  1  find  the  meat  mn\ 

Alas,  tho  ends  won't  m.  •  t  ; 
The  house  is  bare,  we  're  in  despair, 

And  who  would  dare  to  bhum-  us 
If  we  give  way  and  curse  the  day 

When  GKKTCHKN  first  grew  famous? 


"Lord  rbwebery's  favourite  reading  i*  tlio 

poetry  of  Sir  Wn  *  has  a 
Tohtrae  beneath  |j, 

WHY    n  HP   of    (how-    little 


Tlir.    I'H'KI'.NS    I.UYF.KS. 

Tin  :   tin-  rrippled  Tiny 

Tim  in  Tlic  Clirixtninii  Card  has 
enabled  Sir  WII.I.MM  TICI:I.O\K,  the 
Lord  Mayor  and  tin-  cripple*'  friend, 
with  !o  introduce  a 

>n    of    that    classic    to    the 
public,  in  a  preface  contaii 
of    his    and    I.ady    TKI.I.O\U'S    enthu- 
siasm for  I  M.  i-  iinple 
coulil  not  fail,  in  an  imitative  world, 
ir  fruit,  and  no  one  \\ill   • 
lie    surprised    liy    tlie    following 
ftniuii;                -s: — 

THK  I.ii-Tox  "  I'll  K\\  UK." 

Sir  THOMAS  Lm-  .n  of  Tin- 

Pickwick  1'apcrs,  with  an  appreciation 
by  (lie  yachting  baronet,  and  a 
ally  d  .  will  be  published 

almost    immediately.        An    advance 
copy  of  Sir  THOMAS'S  admirnbl. 
illuminating    preface,    which    a! 
not  without  value  as  a  piece  of  self- 
revelation,  informs  us  that  it  was  the 
Fat     Boy     who     first     kindled 
THOMAS'S     passionate     interest     in 
CHAKI.KS      I'KKKNS,      the      (pi 
being  continually  in  his  mind  :   How- 
did  the  Boy  grow  so  fat'.1     After  con- 
siderable   thought,    Sir    THOMAS    ar- 
rived  at  the  conclusion   that  such   a 
condition  of  adiposity  could  have  been 
attained  only  by  a  consistent  diet  of 
the  best  bacon  and  tho  best  butter. 
Hence  his  affection  for  the  novel,  and 
hence  this  new  and  handsome  edition 
of  1'ickirirk.     We  quote  a  little  from 
the  preface :  — 

I  may  add,  DICKENS  baa  since  then  always 
licen  to  me  something  more  than  an  author. 
1  hare  felt  him  to  be  an  inspiration  as  well. 
I  often  »ay,  "What  the  I>i<kens! "  quite 

involuntarily,  a  proof  of  Ins  command  of  my 
Bub-couBciouB  M  well  as  conscious  thought. 

Sir  THOMAS  also  tells  how  he  used 
to  read  /'/'•/,<»«  to  the  captains  of  his 

successive    Shamrocks    during    calms, 

and  adds  the  number  of  his  branches. 

THE  NKW  "  DOUBKY  AND  SON." 

1-Yoin  the  chief  artificial  limb- 
maker  to  (in;  !al.  win-re,  it 
will  be  remembered,  Mr.  Bob  Saw\er 
and  Mr.  Hen  Allen  were  students, 

-.      (HU'MAN      AND      I  I  M.I.      have 

fortunate    enough    to   c\t; 
preface  l«>  l>unil>i'y  and  Son. 
this   very  touching   foreword   we   are 
permitted  to  make  a  quotation:  — 

I 'UK'  .ful  and  never-sleeping  sym- 

pathy with  one-nrmed  men  cannot  be  I- 

III»iht."l     M|.  '!(<     j-l     nl:f     of     I. is 

most  di-'.ii;litfiil    chsr.-icliT",   and   tin1    f  • 

he  has  a  hook  instead  of  a  ham  I, 

•re    i  •  •    never 

allowed  t>i 

•'  i  •   i!  I    i  .          •     .    '       i. tin 


iming  t"  my  vant 


nee.     There  is  no  belii-r  aniidoto  fora 
child  uiuli-i 

than  to  reai' 


\    S .!•  "    I'.'MIlt  V    \M'    S.  N." 

Meanwhile  another  firm  announces 

it   rival   edition  of    /  ,m,/   .s'.n. 

I  by  n  well-ki  h  d'-ntist, 

me  forward   a^   the 

HOW  pat  IMII  of  the  HOY,  list.  i>  fo 

and    we    must    admit    well    founded 
— on  Mr.  t'arker'n  rather  too  i 

able,    if   e\e.-!lent,    teeth.        Ill    his    pre- 

' 

\Vlirip  I  Kliould  bo  now  had  it  t 

•    l'i<  km*-. 
read  him   day  ai-.d  ni>;ht.      I 

1  a  frt'sh  fiimii 

S/io/i  almost  sent  me  into  llir  I'lim  !i   .i-.-l  .In-ly 
Martin  OniMtUtnt   tin 
i. in- ;   b'li 

ii     tli.it    1   S.IH    i  Mr 

s  teeth  allurc<l  mi-  i 
I  now  make  the  best   . 
I  am  al»o  f«moi:<  f.ir  : 

wil'i   the  as-:-t.ii.'-"  of  1'u  KJ.M,'  /•!    I -in^liing. 
(ioa. 

THE  GAMAI, 

Mr.  CiAMMii:  has  gon<-  farther  than 
his  rivals  in  the  editing  bus 
He  has  pn  p.ir.'d  a  complete  set  of 
the  works.  His  reason  for  doing  this 
is  BO  interesting  that  we  quote  it  in 
his  own  words:  — 

After  years  of  study  of  thi*  famous  «  ritir, 
I  am  convinced  that  he  is  the  only  m.iu  in 
Knglish  literature  who  C"iil<l  have  imputed 
my  name.  That  is  -.\  1  y  I  am  .-  .  ilr.iuii  to 
him  ;  that  id  why  I  have  pr<'|«r« 
p  lilion  of  his  matchless  works  for  K.I]P  in  my 
nun  .... 

Incidentally   Mr.  »l\\t\..r  refers  to 
the  .craze  for  Diabolo,  and  the  . 
lent  opportunities  now  offered  to  the 
purchaser  of  footballs — asides  which, 
we   are   sure,    I'    ana    would    have 

ited. 


"Generally,"  said  Mr.  Plowden,  "when  it 
comes  to  a  war  of  tongue*  l«>t\v<pii  husband 
and  wife,  the  wife  cnn  hold  her  own." 

/Mi/;/  F.xprt-M. 

TIII:S  why  doesn't  she  bold  it  a 
little  more  firmly'.1 


of  the  two  team*  w  ITT  |  nlilic 
school  boyn  with  lioim>*  in   t  '.-r  and 

Witliam  districts      I'-  ; 

Kmi'lard. 

\\>    feel   thai    Mr.    Mll.KS   should   be 
informed  <>f  t: 


"The  demand  for  capable  unnta 

,  \Vnlon  is  s..  great  that  tin- 
.1    in    offi-i  : 

The  do  i*  al-'tit   H.'iflO  miles, 

tli.in  a  half- 
rett. 

Yor    can't    cntch    these    'J'arifT    II. •- 
formers  in  arithmetic;  they  n-f 
take  any   risks.      It    is  extremely   un- 
sporting  of   them. 


OCTOBEK  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


243 


VOYAGES    OF    DISCOVERY. 

UXI>KHSTKAXD-ON-SEA. 
(Ajlcr  Dr.  Andrew  Wilson.) 

TIIK   Great  East   Anglian   Hallway 
stops  short  of  Underatrand  by  a  mill! 
ir    so,     so     that     unless     he     prefers 
•Uianks's    mare    or   his    bicycle,    the 
visitor    l:;is   to   rely   on    omnibuses   or 
lies    to    transport    him    to    his    goal. 
.These    vehicles,    I    should    mention, 
]o   avoid   disappointment,    are  horse- 
Irawn,   and    have  for  the  most  part 
'our    wheels.)       But    when    you    do 
irrive,    you    will    he,    unless    of    an 
exacting    disposition,   delighted    with 
your  quarters  and  the  surroundings. 
The  sea  is  unmistakably  saline,  rising 
uid  falling  with  the  tide,  and  though 
'i-osion  has  been  at  work  in  the  past, 
ts  operation  has  been  checked  by  a 
stout   sea   wall,   and   the  citizens  of 
Understrand    possess    their    souls   in 
patience,     thanks     to     the     town's 
spirited     defence     against     the     en- 
croachments of  the  marine  element. 
But    what    lends    such     a    peculiar 
charm  to  the  place  is  the  fact  that  it 
possesses  not  only  a  pier  and  a  pro- 
menade, but  a  parish  church.     From 
the    cliff    beneath    which    the    town 
nestles  you  look  down  on  the  pier; 
while  conversely,  and  ex  ipso  facto, 
you  look  up  to  the  cliff  from  the  pier, 
which  runs  out  quite  a  considerable 
distance    into    the    sea.       From    the 
end,   I   have   been   assured   on   good 
authority,  hardy  swimmers  are  occa- 
sionally wont  to  plunge  into  the  briny 
ocean,  returning  to  land  invigorated 
and    refreshed    by    their   dip.       Less 
adventurous  persons,  however,  prefer 
to   bathe   from   the  beach,   which  is 
equipped    with    numerous    handsome 
machines.        The    hotels   are   varied, 
some     being     quite    palatial,     while 
others  are  better  suited  to  the  purses 
of  those   who  only   enjoy   a   modest 
competence.     There   are   also   board- 
ing-houses and  lodgings,  while  at  the 
Post-office  a  constant  supply  of  fresl 
stamps  is  kept  to  satisfy  the  require- 
ments  of   assiduous    correspondents 
What  lends,  however,  a  peculiar  am 
extraordinary   fascination  to  this  re 
markable    seaside    resort   is    its    airy 
and     breezy    atmosphere,     which    is 
entirely    unlike    that    of   Pimlico    or 
even  Brixton.     The  walks  and  drives 
round  Understrand  must  not  be  neg 
lected  by  those  who  are  addicted  tc 
pedestrian     or    equestrian     exercise 
while  invalids  are  in  the  happy  posi 
tion    of    being    able    to    indulge    ir 
vicarious   locomotion,    thanks   to  th 
accommodating     enterprise     of     th 
local      bath-chair     proprietor,      who 
strangely  enough,  rejoices  in  the  un 


i'ii<-!'ixi  (»prinijing  off).  "YE'VE  NO  nusisicss  SIIOOTIXO  ACDOSS  r'nooo  THAT  WAT!    OTHEH 

SIX    INCHES  AND   I    SHOULD   HA1    BEES   A   DEAD   MAS  !  " 

Sportsman.  "  WELL,  \v-\vnv  DON  T  you  nixu  YOUR  B-BEI.I.  ?  "      


usual  and  charming  name  of  HOPKIX- 
sox.  What  constitutes,  however,  the 
chief  charm  of  breezy  Understrand, 
is  its  Golf  Links,  which  contain 
the  exceptional  number  of  eighteen 
holes.  The  record  score  for  the 
course,  strange  to  say,  was  made  by 
the  local  professional,  and  is  several 
strokes  lower  than  that  achieved  by 
the  best  amateur  in  the  district. 
The  links  are  laid  out  along  the  cliff, 
and  are  consequently  on  a  higher 
level  than  the  beach ;  but  a  sense  of 
excessive  elevation  can  always  be  ob- 
viated by  keeping  the  eyes  fixed  on 
the  "  hinterland,"  which  has  a  flat- 
ness which  lends  a  peculiar  charm 
to  the  landscape  of  this  charming 
neighbourhood. 


Should  Capital  Punishment  be 
Abolished  t 

"  The  Mayor's  lovo  of  sly  liumour  r  rvrr 
deserts  liiin.  Kvcn  at  nurli  a  dignified  gather- 
ing ns  the  unveilirK  of  tlie  tablet  his  Worship 
let  elip  n  cliaracteriBtic'frngment  of  fun.  Just 
as  the  Company  were  alxmt  to  move  the  ICayoi 
turned  to  Mr.  Har-k  and  gravely  announced  :  ' 


will  now  unveil  llic  tahluid!'  "— 


Paper. 


IF  Mr.  HACK  had  only  had  the 
courage  of  his  name  --  But  we  al 
let  our  opportunities  slip.  Still,  what 
else  was  he  there  for? 


Commercial  Ambiguity. 

"  USE  Dr. Sachets  de  Toilette 

and  mothers  and  daughters  will  look 
like  sisters."— Gentlewoman. 


244 


PUNCH,   OR  THK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[Ocroast  2.  1907. 


ttatitr.  "  THERE  WAS  SOME  DEVILISH  BAD  I.RIMM;  is  TIUT  LAST  BEAT,  .1 
Vur&a/iirr  Keeper.  "\1-AS'  BOHM  DOM  root  SHOOT. 


DIABOLO  KOTK.S. 

CoNSIDERAIiI.F,  dissatisfaction  has  been  expressed  with 
the  constitution  of  the  M. !>.<'.  train  for  Australia,  which 
leaves  these  shores  in  three  weeks  time  in  its  endeavour 
to  recover  the  bobbins.  In  the  opinion  of  competent 
newspaper  exports  the  team  would  he  fnr  more  likely  !<• 
uphold  the  honour  of  Kngland  successfully  if  it  had 
been  leavened  with  n  certain  proportion  of  youth. 
and  experience  certainly  count  for  something  in  all 
games,  and  there  can  be  no  exception  taken  to  t Im- 
maturity of  the  captain  of  the  team,  MASII:U  THOMAS 
BriH.K,  who  at  fifteen  is  little,  if  ut  all,  past  his  prime. 
Hut  the  striking  fact.  n  \.-al.-d  in  our  special  edition 
tcrday,  that  then-  is  not  a  single  player  on  the  side  who 
is  under  seven,  has  been  commented  ii|x.n  by 

good  judges  of  the  game.     Is  it   I.*.  1 
TOMI-KIXS  to  complete  the  Hide  ' 

*  *  *  * 

All  lovers  of  the  panic  will  hear  with  regret  that  the 
split  between   tho    I'iabolo  Association,    Ltd.,    and    tin- 
Amateur  Diabolo  Association,  which  has  been  threatened 
for  so  long,  is  now  an  accomplished  fact.     Mr.  i  i 
the  dictator  of  the  D.A.,  Ltd..'  i-  •!  I     boyi  ••!(  all 

members  of  the  A.D.A.    For  some  time  it  was  uncertain 
whether    Mr.    CLOGO    (Ltd.)    would    allow    the    Int.-r- 
rniversity  match  to  bo  pla.i.-d;   hut    that   dillicullN 
now  been  surmounted.     The  boycott  works  particularly 
unfairly  in  the  case  of  private  players.      The   Dul 

MRF,  for  insfnnc-',  l.\  neglecting  to  affiliate  him- 
self to  Mr.  CLOOO,  is  now  rl  the 
bobbin  to  any  member  of  the  Brixtnn  Wacpi  I 


while  any  player  who  had  join,  d  the  I  >uke  in  11  Kan 
('hatsworth   would   lie  i;..<,i   i,ict»  ineliu'ilile  for  the  chair- 
manship of  the    D.  \.    (  Ltd.). 

****** 

]5y  the  way,  the   'Varsity  match  is  generally  i 
as  likely  to  be  a  walk-o\er  for  <)\:  -:^  that   they 

can  rely  upon  the  services  ot  a  Chinese  |;h»d.  -  scholar 
from  South  .  \fri.-a  who,  in  his  native  land,  has  caiiL'ht 
the  bobbin  l'.«,H-27,  11  1,172  times  <<>!d  style)  without 
lettiiif,'  it  touch  the  (.'round. 

' 


(  M.I.IU  \    Kr;.i:s    lolt    DIM  •- 
(Contriliutcil    l-ij    SONSY    'J'oMrki-> 

1.  Rest    lightly    upon    the    ball    of     the     foot.       Betid 
slightly  to  tli--  iiu'lit.  and  pick  up  the  bobbin   up"ii   the 
striii;,'.     Then  spin  rapidly,  and  throw  into  the  air. 

2.  To  catch  the  bobbin  a^ain,  hold  the  rifiht   stick   up 
in  the  iiir,  and  endeavour  to  persuade  the  ol.j- 

turn  to  its  string. 
:t.    I'.-rs.  -\.-re. 

***** 

ii    match    l»-t\\.-.  n    Mr.    J.-IIN    SMIIII 
18  st.  7  lb.),   tin-   well  knoy,  n   Killing   hous,-hol.|.  r,    ai:d 
his  little   boy  .I..MVNV   ,  :j  yrs.  :    -J   st.   :i   Ib.i   \\ill   t 

this  aft.  riKM.n  at   "  The  Willows."     .billNN. 
eeilinj;   his   father   I'.INNI   start,    the   match    being   one   i  f 
•_'.i"-j:,   up. 

i  N  i  \\  s  . 

The    \Yillnu-*.    I 

•loiixxv  SMITH,  jun.   fin  i>lay),  2/i'JI. 
:\  SMITH  i  in  bcdi.   1. 


o 

3 

h-H 

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O 


o 

Q 
55 

s 

W 

w 

C-H 


ffi 
o 
fc 


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g 

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PL]     w      Ed 
O    «,     H 


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s  1 

PH  ^""^ 


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nil 

^^  »-^  M 


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TO  a 

C  fcu 


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s  ca   x 

I  =-   - 
-  /. 


OCTOBER  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


217 


Old  Coachman  (exercising  tuperscded  can-lays  horsea).  "  WELL,  ALL  I  CAS  SAT  is,  WHEN  THE  LADIES  WENT  otr  WITH  ME,  THET  USED  TO 

TAKE  A  PRIDE   IN  MAKIN'  THEMSELVES  LOOK   NICE;    BUT   WHEN  THEY   i:oE.S   OUT   IN   THAT   BLOMJIIS'   TIIIXO,  THEY   LOOKS   LIKE   PATIENTS   OtT  OF   ONE 


OF  THEM    EYE 


EAB   HOSPITALS  ! 


A   SOCIETY    MOTOR-DOG. 

(As  Observed  by  Our  Own  Special  Aberdeen.) 
I  WAS  for  taking  no  notice  of  him,  sic  a  meeserable 
objec'  they  'd  made  o'  the  puir  crittur.     But  he  cam 


no  yours  ony  gait!  "  He  tellt  me  he  'd  meant  naething 
beyont  an  ordinar  form  o'  civeelity  fra'  ane  doug  to 
anither. 

"  Ye  '11  no  be  a  doug,  I  'm  thinking,"  says  I,  "  wi'  a 
plaidie  coat  and  yon  bit  goggles  across  your  neb.  I  'sc 
uphaud  ye  '11  be  some  kind  o'  freak  boastie,"  I  says 
(kenning  fine  hoo  it  was  a'  the  time).  He  said 
I  must  excuse  him  smiling;  ho  was  a  richt  doug,  he 
could  assure  me,  and  a  pedigree  anc  intil  the  bargain — 
but  he  just  chanced  to  be  in  his  motoring-kit — perhaps  I 
wasn't  accustomed  to  riding  in  a  motor-car? 

"  Na,"  says  I,  "  nor  dinna  wis"  to  be,  gin  I  couldna' 
do  't  wi'oot  being  dressed  oot  sae  rideeculous  1  "  "  You 
don't  understand,"  he  says.  "  When  you  're  once  in  a 
car,  you  don't  care  for  appearances.  I  don't  look  a  bit 
more  ridiculous  than  my  good  host  and  hostess,  the 

"  I  'm  no  in  a  poseetion 


WOLFRAM    WEGSCHWFIXS.' 
to  contradic"  ye,"  says  I, 
no  in  your  car  the  uoo." 

"  It  "s  like  this,  you  see,"  he  tellt  me, 


but  I  wad  obsairvo  'at  ye 're 
I  've  just 


been  with  Mrs.  WEGSCHWKIX  to  my  outfitter's  in  the 
Burlington  Arcade.  You  wouldn't  have  heard  of  him, 
of  course,  but  he  's  the  one  man  in  London  who  can 
turn  out  a  dog  decently."  "  I  see,"  says  I.  "  An"  sae 
he  turned  ye  oot?"  "  I  'd  been  trying  on,"  he  says, 
"  and  then'she  began  choosing  my  new  pocket-handker- 
chiefs— 

"  Presairve  's  1  "  I  cried.  "  An'  whaur  's  the  use  of  a 
hankie  to  the  likes  of  you?  " 

"  To  wipe  my  nose  with,  of  course !  "  he  says.  "  She 
does  that— whenever  I  require  it.  In  the  circles  /  move 
in  every  dog  has  his  own  set  of  lace-edged  pocket- 
handkerchiefs.  But  she  was  such  a  time  deciding  on 
the  colour — 

"  She  wad  be  that,"  says  I.  "  Doug!  do  ye  no  realise 
it  's  a  tairrible  important  queistion?  "  I  was  just  draw- 
ing his  leg — but  he  didna  see  't.  "I  know,"  he  says. 
"  Still,  there  's  a  limit  to  everything,  and  I  got  bornl  at 
last.  So  I  slipped  quietly  out,  just  as  I  was,  meaning 
to  get  home  on  foot,  you  see.  And  somehow,  not  bring 
much  in  the  habit  of  walking,  I  've  managed  to  lose  my 
way.  So  I  thought  you  might  perhaps  be  able  to  direct 
me  to  Park  Lane." 

I  said  I  wad  set  him  on  his  way,  being  acquent  wi'  a 
ITU-T  'at  lived  in  a  mews  no  that  faur  aff,  sae  on 
we  went  thegither,  though  I  canna  say  I  was  prood  to 
be  seen  wi'  sic  a  doited  body.  It  was  just  peety.  An.) 
he  began  bid  la-ring  aboot  the  excitements  o'  motoring, 
and  how  glorious  it  was  rushing  along,  leaving  a  trail  o' 


248 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  S.  1907. 


dust  behint  as  faur  ns  tin-  eye  could  see,  whirling  roond 
sharp  corners  and  through  villages,  and  passing  every 
other  car  mi  tin-  r  the  pace  tec  go,"  he  ^ 

"  if  I  didn't  have  tin-so  motor-goggles  mi.  my  eyes 
get  inflamed  in  n<>  time."    "  An'  \\hat  for  would  ye  go  sic 
a  speed'.1'     1  :.t   him.     "To  g.  •    from  place  to 

place  the  sooner,' 

"  Nae  doot,'  "your   leddy's  time   will   he 

!!••          ,!dna    Buy    she    h< 

1  ave   onything   in    particular   to   d-  •    playing 

ige  and  atl'-nding  t<>  him.      It  u:i>  just  Unit  she  liked 
travelling  fast.     Tlir    STU'IIVI  \<  m  us,    and   tin-   YAK; 

.  KESTS — in  fact,  all  their  set  did.  A-  >1  I  K\M  "is, 
the  chauffeur,  naturally  wished  to  get  the  best  In-  could 
out  of  the  car.  Syne  he  sat  doon  suddenly,  and 
began  to  scratch,  which  gave  me  a  better  opconion  of 
him,  being  the  first  naitural  doug-liko  thing  he  'd  done 
Dut  the  next  in.  .-nit  ho  spoilt  it  a'  by  remairking 
that  he  couldna  think  hoo  he  'd  got  tln-m  gin  they 
hadna*  come  fra*  mysell  "  Havers!  "  1  sins,  "ye  ken 
fine  there  's  nano  of  us  can  speak  \u'  cairlanty  in  sic 
maitters."  Hut  he  insisted  tln-y  were  i;..  ins,  because 
he  was  bathed  all  over  by  his  man  every  morn  \vi'  helio- 
trope soap.  "  Aweel,"  I  says,  "  wi'  sic  treebulations 
as  yon,  ye  needna'  fash  over  trifles.  And  I  'in  thinking 
ye  'd  mebbe  get  mair  results  gin  ye  were  to  kick  yer  fut 
oot  o'  yon  bit  broun  bootie." 

Ho  couldna  get  it  aff,  he  tellt  me,  JAMF.S,  the  second 
fitman,  having  laeed  them  on  too  tight  the  morn.  "  I 
fancy,"  says  he,  "  from  certain  things  JAMF.S  said,  that 
ho  doesn't  altogether  like  having  to  do  it." 

"  It 's  just  possible,"  I  says,  "  but  what  for  wad  ye 
be  wearin'  boots  at  o'?"  "For  fear  of  getting  wet 
feet,"  he  says.  "  I  'in  so  terribly  liable  to  chills.  In- 
deed, I  never  go  motoring  without  my  own  little  nickel- 
plated  footwarmer." 

"  Set  ye  up !  "  says  I.  "It  has,"  says  he,  "I  assure 
you  that,  but  for  our  motor-car,  I  shouldn't  be  alive 
now  ! 

-; !  "  I  says,  "  an'  that 's  mair  nor  mony  a  doug 
could  testify  ! 

"  Ah,"  says  he.  "  We  have  had  accidents — most  re- 
grettable ones.  They  quite  shook  my  nerve  for  a  time  - 
my  nights  were  sadly  disturbed  afterwards."  "  Mebbe," 
I  says,  "  yc'll  have  had  a  kink  in  your  basket'.'  " 

"  I  don't  sleep  in  a  basket,"  he  says,  "  I  've  a  cur- 
tained bed,  with  pillows  and  blankets  with  my  mono- 
gram on  them — like  a  Christian's." 

"  And  what  for  no'?  "  says  I.  "  Poor  Mrs.  WKG- 
scHWKis,"  he  goes  on,  "  is  just  as  upset  by  these  occur- 
rences as  I  am.  More  so,  because,  as  she  sometimes 
says,  she  's  '  perfectly  dotty  about  dogs.'  ' 

"  I  can  veni  \v.-.-l  l»  lieve  it,"  I  says,  looking  at  him. 
"  But  what  beats  me  is  hoo  ye  baith  pairseest  in  what 
must  l>e  dreidfu"  distressing  to  your  feelings." 

"  ^y  J?00^  fellow,"  he  says,   "  when  you  've  got  a 

00  h.p.  Foudroyant  that  can  do  its  fifty  miles  an  hour 
it  'B  too  absurd  to  expect  one  to  crawl  along  at  under 
twenty!     Besides,  you  wouldn't  believe  how  stupid  some 
of  these  provincial  curs  are  about  not  getting  out  of  flu- 
way  in  time !     But  so  are  poultry,  for  that  matter,  and 
children.     Though    I    triH    say    they  're    all    gradually 
coming  to  understand  thai  the  roads  don't  belong  to 
thrtn." 

'They'll    nae   doot   be    pairt   o'    the    \\i..-.m\ii\ 
policies?  "  says  I.     "  They  may  be,"  he  says,  "  for  all 

1  know.     They  're  rich  enough  to  buy  up  most  things. 
And,   as  I've  often   heard   old   WEOSCIIWKIS    remark: 
''It's  no  earthly  use  for  people  to  try  to  obstruct  the 
progress  of  what  has  become  a  great  national  industry. 


If  they  're  so  pi;  or  so  behind  the  times  as  to 

go  on  walking  <.r  driving  they  must  either  make  roads  of 

their   o\\l: 

"  (lii  ay,"  I  says,  "  there  'u  line  gelling  oot  o'  that." 
He  t.-llt  me  I  \\ns  nniir  intelligent  than  he  'd  thocht,  and 
he  'd  lie  michty  pleased  to  exchange  t-airds  wi' me,  only, 
maist  unfortunately,  he  'd  left  his  eaird-enso  inside  the 
pocket  o'  his  afternooii-calliiig  eoat.  Ye  'II  sciir.-.-  |..  - 
I  "t,"  I  says,  "  but  I  'vo  in-ith-  r  v .  esitin-cairds  nor 
poakets  inss.  1'." 

"  1'aw  devil!  "  says  1  "I  forgot  for  (lie  moment 
you  were  still  uncivi  1  ne,  ,ln't  l  rouble 

yni  any  further.      I   know  Ihis  street   quile.  well.      1 

iir    Foudroyant,    with    Mrs.    WEOSCUWSn  inside 
and  I-'ii \s<  ..is  steering.      They  '11  1  1  lo  find  1  'in 

safe.     Good-bye.     1  ''••    j  ;st  lime  to  nip  across  the  road 

He  made  a  grand  mistake  ttn-rf.  I  doot  he  didna 
make  sutlicient  allowance  for  hein'  in  his  hit  l>ootics,  let 
alone  the  fur-lined  coat  and  goggles.  I  couldna  help 
gruttin'  sair  for  the  puir  heastie,  though  I  'm  no  saying 
I  v  ther  sae  overcome  as  his  leddy,  who,  fro' 

the  skirl  she  set  up,  micht  u'maist   ha'  been  rinn-  d  o'er 
her   ninsel'  ! 

ma  think  he  wad  be  sic  a  loss  as  n'  that  to  the 
community  at  laiive  though,  guid  kens!  I  wouldna 
speak  too  hairdly  o'  the  corp,  for  it  wail  tak  an  awfu' 
strong-minded  doug  to  consort  wi'  sic-like  fowk  ns  yon 
and  no  become  corruppit.  1.  A. 


THE  NEW  CU! 

[.V  bop-pickers'  encampment,  composed  of  people  of  good  social 
standing,  who  resolved  to  go  down  into  Kent  for  the  benefit  of  their 
health,  ha*  been  attended  with  no  little  success.] 

it  PHYLLIS,  you  "11  wonder  what  reason 

Has  brought  mo  to  Kent,  and  I  'm  sure 
You  '11  smile,  for  I  "in  here  for  the  "  season," 

And  picking  the  hops  as  a  cure. 
Perhaps  you  will  think  I  am  frantic —  • 

Don't  worry  your  fond  little  breast, 
For  "  hopping  "  is  simply  romantic, 

And  oh,  such  a  glorious  rest. 

The  "cure"  is  extremely  delightful; 

\Ve  rise  and  retire  \\ith  the  sun; 
With  three  in  our  tent  it  is  quite  full; 

\Ye  've  five,  but  it  adds  to  the  fun. 
"J'is  true  we  can't  sleep  for  the  clamour, 

Mosquitos,  of  course,  are  a  ] 
But  somehow  it  adds  to  tin-  J  unour 

To  feel  that  we  're  earning  our  rest. 

Don't  think  that  I  'in  horribly  lonely, 

For  hundreds  of  people  are  down, 
And  all  of  them  sociable,  only 

Not  quite  what  OIL-  meets  up  in  to\\n; 
They  're  rather  aggressively  merry. 

Their  manners  not  always  the  b 
But  though  they  arc  quarrelsome  (very), 

I  'in  having  n  glorious  rest. 

Then,  •  ii-ist  1'ini.i.is.  and  try  it, 

Our  living  will  please,  you,  1  know, 

We    fei  d    (.11    (he    simplest    of  diet, 

And  things  arc  deliciously  slow; 
Quit  Ijondon.  ione  with  your  shopping; 

up,  and  come  down  MS  my  p 
And  see  if  the  "  of  hopping  " 

Don't  amply  make  up  for  "  the  i 


OCTOBER  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


249 


GEMS    OF    ADVERTISEMENTS,    READ    LITERALLY. 


1  A  lady  wishes  to  let  a  compact  resilience  (Bath)  (or  the 
wiuter  mouths." 


"  A  fiue  flat  in  Piccadilly  ;  Waring  decorations." 


"  Comfortable  Inn,  Beds  (old-fashioned  and  creeper-clad).     Present       ..  3  m  ft  above  ^Aevel,  small  seat,  commanding  beautiful  views 
occupiers  been  there  40  years.     Cap.tal  opportunity  for  gentleman  a  of  surrounding  country.    Church  adjoins." 

servunt  wishing  to  retire.    Ucer  and  spirits  free. 


1TV1I, 


T1IK    IJ>NI><>N   ril.MMV.MII. 


. 


ARE    OUR    HtADS    GROWING 
BIGGER? 

IN  an  illuminating  interview  which 

' 


appear*  in 


Sainrafef 


nal,  l>r.   HKKNAUD  H»I.I.\SI>KK  main 


-  with  tlio  mighty 
t..  ti  lluctuations  in  s:/.e  >'f    iiii-n  of  ti 


his   own    cranium  <    the 

nature  of  the  company  lit-  kept.     '!'•> 


Sir  .1.  ('UK  iiioN   BKOWSK  endorsed 
what  J>r.   Hoi.i.AMiKH  had  said  about 


iitific  !•  monopolising  intellect. 

:'.>und   that   tlie   bulk  of    Mint-.  ,    iind    w 


tains    that    heads    generally    are    in-    his  h  1  in  a  direct  ratin  with    Harris    tweed     lia.l     invariaMy    largo 

-ing  in  si/e,    "  the   reason   ber  >nU   of   his   interlocutor.     Thus.    1  tads.     'J '!  •        expel 

that    the    intellect    niul    th  interview  in::    a    Kais.  r,    .>r   v,  r  ontained    in     the 


are    more    free!  'linn    t 

With   the  increase  of  fue 
is     a     corn 


rown 

i!d  not   insert 

-   i     id    into   a    hat   of   normal 

enlargement     of     heads,     though,     •  :  hall  one  .    had 

course,  in  the  ease  of  ti 

who    merely    Vegetate    there 

is     no    growth     of     brain." 

ire   ".'lad   to   U-   able   to 

throw   further  li^ht  on   this 

fascinating  topic,  thanks  to 

the  researches  of  an 

neiit  craniologist,  who,  bow- 

-     to     remain 

19 

One  of  the  strangest 
cranial  coincidences  on  re- 
cord is  the  fact  that  the 
two  famous  intervie\ 
Mr.  RAYMOND  BLATIIBIF. 
and  Mr.  HAHOI.H  '. 
THWAYT  take  exactly  tin- 
same  size  in  hats,  7}. 
Here,  however,  the  resem- 
blance ends,  for  while  Mr. 
BI.ATHBIE  is  a  man  of 
gigantic  stature,  Mr.  BF.O- 
THWAYT  only  scales  11  st. 

Sir  OI.IVKK  l.oiM,i;'s  won- 
derful  dome-shaped  he-id. 
which  has  so  striking  a 
resemblance  to  that  of 
PERICLES,  has  been  growing 
steadily  since  he  went  to 
live  at  Birmingham.  His 
anthropometric  measure- 
ments are  indeed  remark- 
able, for  while  he  is  only 
l<>  in.  round  the  chest  he 
is  just  on  48  round  the 
head.  No  stock  size  in 
hats  fits  him,  and  Messrs. 
I.IXSKTT  AXD  BI:M  oi.x  have 
to  retain  a  special  assistant, 
who  is  exclusively  em- 
ployed to  minister  to  the 
needs  of  their  massive- 
brained  customer.  Recently 
to  account  for  the  cause  of  this 


term    "  fathead,"     which    expressed 
the  »c  /»/»«  tiltrj  of  contempt. 

Mr.    HKKNAKU   Sn\\v    said   that    he 

could  ad    had    : 

since      he      had      d.-t! 
Sll  \KSI-KAIIK,  he 

a      tall      hat. 

and  rally    phuto- 

L-r.iphed       witho\it        1 
year.          I.:UL.'     hi-ads     w.-re 
commonly     found     in     tin- 
criminal    cla*--s.     sin-h     as 
archi  |>iililisln-rs, 

and  the  hi.,..  l',,r  his 
own  p:trt  he  had  culti- 
vated not  si/e,  hut  hard- 
I'rom  earliest  youth 
he  had  stood  on  his  ! 
and  invariably  wrote  in 
that  position. 


ADVANCEMENT. 

.V/M  .1.    "AXH    THAT    KEPHEW    Of   TOfBS    WHO   -EH      BAN    JkWlT,   DOM't 
TOV   KNOW,    AM>   JiHXrO  THE   AKMV,   IIUW    18   UK  OETI 


Witt  II.  (proudly).  "OH,  TEST  »II.L  ISHEEO.     He's  JI-ST  BEKN  MADE 

' 


r>l\ATK   SBCBETAKT  TO  Tll«   luKrE-C'oBPOBAL  Of   HIS   REr.lMENT." 


HOW  TO  LOSE  AT  GOLF. 

I'I.I.\M:  do  not  mis- 
understand this  rather  mis- 
leadinjj  title.  I  do  not  pro- 
pose  to  teach  you  how  to 
go  round  a  in  a 

.  r   number  of   strokes 
than  your  opponent.      That 

I  lea\e  with  some  con- 
fidence to  your  own  skill, 
to  the  bad  lies  that 
invariably  encounter,  anil 
to  the  almost  demoniacal 
luck  of  the  other  man. 

•    things    will    do    the 
bush  .11  cpiite  satis- 

iily    without 
any  hints  from  me. 

Hut      when      they      have 

done    it  ;    when    the    child    of 

fortune     you     are     j.l  , 

inn     down     the     final 
him 


phenomenal  development.  Sir   OI.IVIIK 
attributed      it      to      the      extraordi- 
narily    intellectual     atmosphere     of 
Birmingham.      Personally   he   r 
his  frontal  distension,  as  it   r- 
him  too  conspicuous  in  a  i  • 
leads  to  occasional  collisions  in 

tinK  a  narrow  doorway. 

Mr.  HUIRY  UK  QI-H-X,  th.-  famous 
Arctic     explorer,     diplomatist,      and 

•  •   of   a   r 

interview    with    n  .tativo    of 

' 


The  llaltrr  and 


to  remain   ban-head'  d   for  forty 
hours. 

Asked  as  to  the  probable  «-ff- 
his  brain  of  his  forthcoinint;  sojourn 
in  the  Arctic  regions,   Mr.   nr.  QrKfX 
cautiously  observed  that,  while  frost 
contracted     metals,     it     undoubtedly 
.nd  water,  as  mi^ht   be 
from   the   familiar   and   di 

of  the  British  house- 

r      during      a  winter. 

l-'urtl  true 

than    Mr. 

(ii.Mi-  Mr.        in:        C,)ri:rx 

• 


three   and   tw..;   when 
.  .f     undeserved     ' 


trophes  is  ended  ;  then    I    -  • 

flllly    ill     with     these     few     Well-ehoSen 
Ml,  and   a  remedy    -aiK 
i    by    a    wide    experience.      |-'or. 
strange   as   it   may   s..-m.    1    too  h.ive 
t    (iolf;    I    can    appre.-iate    your 
suffer, 

You  would  like  to  creep  behind 
him,  as  he  stands  "rimiin^  there. 
and  brain  him  with  your  already 
o\erworked  niblick.  ^'011  would  like 
to  tell  him  exactly  what  you  think 
of  his  character,  his  appearance,  his 
TV.  and,  above  ail,  his  Luck. 


OCTOBER  2,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


251 


But  do  not,  I  beg  you,  do  any  of 
things.  It  would  be  a  confes- 
sion of  weakness. 

And  yet  I  admit  that  your  provo- 
cation is  very  keen.  He  has  the 
power  at  this  moment  of  inflaming 
you  by  whatever  course  he  adopts. 
If  he  is  merely  silent,  you  feel  that 
ho  is  an  ungracious  churl,  and  that 
he  might  say  something  about  that 
iong  putt  you  missed,  or  about  that 
really  brilliant  shot  that  was  so  un- 
justly punished.  You  are  certain 
that  in  bis  place  you  would  do  this. 
On  the  other  hand,  if  he  condoles 
with  you,  and  remarks  with  a  self- 
satisfied  smirk  that  he  has  had  all 
the  luck  (which  is  the  case,  of 
course),  you  will  hate  him  very  bit- 
terly for  his  patronage,  and  reflect 
that  ho  might  at  least  have  the  good 
taste  to  bo  silent.  Oh  yes !  I  am  on 
your  side,  dear  reader.  Your  opinion 
of  the  man  is  justified. 

But  do  not  reveal  the  hemorrhage 
of  your  heart  to  him;  do  not  let  him 
guess  your  agony.  Remember  the 
Hod  Indian  at  the  stake,  the  Cabinet 
Minister  at  heckling  -  time,  and 
strive  to  imitate  the  nobility  of  their 
'bearing.  For  if  by  your  demeanour 
you  indicate  the  anguish  that  you 
are  enduring  you  give  a  double 
gratification  to  your  foe.  So  you 
must  not  even  bo  silent;  you  must 
force  yourself  to  smile  and  say 
something  pleasant.  These  things 
are  hard,  oh,  my  brother,  and  you, 
as  1  know  well,  are  weak.  I  also 
have  been  there.  So  for  your  benefit, 
and  incidentally  for  my  own,  I  have 
patented  a  small  invention  which 
will  shortly  be  upon  the  market. 

I  call  it  the  Golfer's  Gag.  The 
aptness  and  alliteration  of  this  title 
cost  me  much  thought,  but  I  did  not 
grudge  it.  It  is  a  neat  little  walnut- 
shaped  instrument  of  polished  metal, 
and  may  readily  be  carried  in  any 
pocket.  Upon  the  last  green  take  it 
from  its  place  of  concealment  and 
slip  it  into  your  mouth  after  first 
pressing  the  spring.  You  have  now 
done  all  that  is  required;  the  Golfer's 
Gag  will  do  the  rest. 

The  thing  is  made  upon  the  prin- 
ciple of  those  pear-shaped  gag?  so 
freely  used  by  ancient  torturers.  The 
spring  that  you  have  pressed  will 
slowly  expand  the  instrument,  ren- 
dering speech  upon  your  part  quite 
impossible,  and  at  the  same  time 
gradually  contorting  your  features 
into  a  pleasing  smile.  By  the  time 
that  your  conqueror  looks  up  from 
his  last  putt  you  will  be  ready  for 
him  with  a  grin  that  will  amaze  him. 
It  will  be  expressive  of  keen  enjoy- 
ment and  a  rich  sense  of  humour. 

The  Golfer's  Gag  ia  made  in  all  shape p 


Head  Mttstcr.   "  HoW   IS  IT  JOV   IRE  ALWAYS   LAST  IN   TOUR  FORM  ?  " 

Jones  Minor.  "  PLEASE,  SIR,  I '«  TIIE  YOUNGEST  DOT." 

Head  Master.  "  VERY  WELL,  you   MAT  GO  mis  TIME;   HUT  YOU'LL  NEVER  SUCCESD  IF  TOO 

MAKE  THAT   EXCUSE  ALL  TOUR   LIFE." 


and  sizes  to  suit  all  mouths.  Ladits 
can  wear  them;  indeed,  if  I  am  not 
misinformed,  they  should  supply  a 
long-felt  want  in  female  matches. 

But  this  is  not  all.  The  G.G.  con- 
tains a  tiny  record  that  is  capable  of 
omitting  a  single  sentence.  The 
squeakinoss  of  the  record  has  proved 
a  difficulty,  but  nothing  is  wholly 
perfect  in  this  world,  and  the  winner 
will  perhaps  be  too  elated  to  nof.ics 
his  victim's  tones.  Besides,  he  will  (I 
hope)  have  a  G.G.  in  his  own  pocket. 

I  may  say  here  that  the  composi- 


tion of  the  sentence  has  proved  the 
most  delicate  and  laborious  portion  of 
rny  titanic  undertaking.  I  have 
striven  after  something  neat  and 
snappy  and  yet  refined,  and  in  the 
one  for  the  use  of  the  mole  golfer  I 
flatter  myself  that  I  have  attained  it. 
The  sentence  runs  as  follows:  — 
"  Many  congratulations;  it  must  be 
a  rare  pleasure  for  you  to  win  I  " 

The  Golfer's  Gag  for  ladies  differs 
in  no  respect  from  the  gentlemen's 
;  except  that  it  has  the  word  "  dear  " 
inserted  after  "  congratulations." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CH.MUVARI. 


[Ofcii.i-.ii:  1'.   1 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(Ily  Mr.  1'uneh't  >  rkt.) 

MR.  Ili'i.r.KiM.K  .IMKS..N  ,lntt-«>(  I.. 

him  to  t'll  YOU  ull  ulii.iit    I  .    irritated 

with  yi.u   niul   me   hei-au>e  -I   we   arc  quite   in- 

capable of  comprehending    I.M.*.  uu>   SHAW.     I'.i.' 
in  his  irritiitic.ii  hi-  doe-  runs.      He 

mi^ht  easily  ha\e  passed  liv.   with  iiM-rt.-.l   head,  c.n  the 

:     .11. >i    h-u 

nnd   win-it  it   is  time   d>r  him   to  return   i  •  •!..    I 

forgot — ho  has  left  I.e.,!-.  MOW)     when  it  is  time  f«>r  him 
to  go,   '  i.mk,   lirrtitird  tihau- :   .1    A/. trie.- 

(/ni/./i    (K.   <IU\NT    Kic  HMins'.    and   if   we-   want    t.>   km  w 
more,  win    no  'l-mlit  a  |". -.Irani  to  the  old  address  \v.>nlil 
do  it.     You  must  read  thr  lxx>k,  if  only  f<>r  tin-  | 
The  author  has  got  Mr.   MC.I.HK...  K  .U.  h-'N  then-  MTV 
nicely,  BO  that  1   as  if  you   had   known   him   for 

yean.     Afterwards,  if 
are    still     an     admirer    of 
BERNARD    SHAW    (it    is    a 
test   for   the    bravest — the 

l.-al  by  Jackson 
have  just  survived  it), 
you  should  read  The 
Court  Theatre  t  A.  II. 
BCI.LBN),  a  commentary 
and  criticism  by  DBS- 
MI. si.  M<<  AKTIIY.  There 
you  really  will  find  much 
about  Mr.  SHAW'S  plays 
that  is  helpful  and  inter- 
esting. 

Two  books  about  Nor- 
way make  simultaneous 
appearance,  a  little  late 
for  those  contemplating 
a  visit  unless  they  be 
converts  to  the  opinion 
diligently  spread  by 
shrewd  Norwegians  that 
winter  is  the  best  time 
to  explore  the  country. 
In  both,  pictures  form 
a  prominent  and  pleasing 
feature.  Norn-ay  and  its 
Fjord»  (MF.TIH  ibcd  by  Mr.  M.  A.  WVI.I.IK, 

his  kinsman  the  It. A.  contributing  sixteen  charm- 
ing illustrations  in  colour.  Among  them  may 
be  mentioned  the  sketch  of  a  timber  barque  on 
Stavanger — a  real  ship  on  a  live  ocean — and  a  dainty 
sketch  of  Christiania  seen  from  Holmenkollcn.  In  Tin- 
it  in  l-'ji-rds  (A.  A  C.  BLACK),  Mr.  HKATOS  i 
is  his  own  interpreter  with  pencil  nnd  brush.  !!•• 
modestly  disclaims  literary  merit  for  his  work,  h<.pm.- 
that  the  reader  will  find  compensation  for  lack  in  that 
respect  by  study  of  reproductions  of  his  water  colour 
It  would  bo  rude  to  contradict  him  in  his 
appreciation  of  the  literary  style  of  his  work.  And  it 
has  tho  merit  of  honest  unadorned  effort  in  recording 
personal  experience.  Mr.  \VYI.UK  is  more  ninhitioiiK. 
The  reader  suffers  accordingly  I.-.  m  tin- 

Sagas,  and  a  few  chapters  of  t!  .1  history  of  a 

.tint;   land.     Taken   apart,    I..-U.T   still    pae-k.-.l    t..- 
l>ooks  provide  pleasant  companionship  for  n 
trip   to   Norway.      At   n   time   when    i-     •  much    talk 

about  the  simple  life,  Mr.  fi» .ri  it's  testimony  of  how  it 
i«  liyed  in  the  peasants'  homo*  in  Norway  is  iiit.-n-stinc. 


OUttt  Inhabitant  (a*  lie  pochtli 
in  <;.<•  tourte  of  the  day).  "Too 
WBiT  OH  !  " 


IllUV     lie     Useful.         At     tl    a. II:.     I  r 

sime-k  of  eiatm.-al  cake  and  buttermilk.      Two  : 

the   chief   meal   of   the  day   is  served. 

with    Ixiiled,    salted  Hlnl    po1 

i\    he  tiu-ks  into  o.itmcal  porridge  and  buttermilk. 

At   .1    p.m.    dried,    SMIOK  ted    fish,    with    |> 

and  buttermilk,  appear  e>n  th.  ml.      At 

his  thoughts  turn  tenderly  to  oatmeal  }«•  d  milk. 

-.\hicli  he-  is  presumably  i>  I,  with 

.lain  prospe.-t  of  n. ore  buttermilk  at  dawn  of  day. 

How    would    this   suit    our    friends   who   jt-er   at    tl. 

euleiit  joint,  anil  i..  Button 

chop?  

We   ha\e   no  luck,   nnus   autrm.        We   elo. 
fair    share    ..f    the    Thrills    (and    Frills)    of    life.      They 
all      seem      to      go     to      tin  !  ..dramatic 

romance..      You   or    I    miu'ht  sit    in    the   talon   of   a    Paris 
holed  till  w-  liu  Van  Winkles,  and  ni-\vr  a  • 

i"k' 

a    note-    on    our    | 

hshinc-ii,     to    "  loilow     the 
(due      car," 
ity  in  1  *'. 

if  she  did,  we  should  pro- 
bably    h  .-uid     our 

e'liMl  lost. 

'ri/      llnrilliiij 
land's      pri/e 

a    luckier    s!. 

made      of      B{  -tuff. 

When       his       oppoi  tunity 

c-ame    h. 

man.       Tin-     '. 

Him-    Motor    i.I.  i 

and    her   affairs   led    him    a 

h 

ll.Ji.  i    IPO    be- 

twfi-n    Paris    and    London, 
in  the  c  •  u  hie-h  In- 

had  much  ndo  to 
and   himsrlf  from   the  ma- 
chinations    of     a     I- 1 
Count,     a     \ill-iin    of     the 
An 


the  tirenly-fourth  tip  he  hat  rtctited 

OLD   IT   roBTT'l1       NOT   FOB  THIS   JOB. 


idimimitin^'     trial     in     the 
Isle  of  Man,   a  race  between   \illain   ,-ir.d   h.  r..   for  the 
Coupe  des  Amateurs,  a  (.'ove-nt  (Jardt-n  ball,  and 
painful    interviews    with    an    nce-mui  imjr    il'in- 

strurtion  on  a  charge  eif  murder  ar.-  tin-  chief  ingredients 
of  Mr.  G.  SYHNKY  PATKIINOSTKU'S  m<j<n'd  ,"i  l,t  iv. 
century.     To  my  taste  the  naurc  fiiijinnttr  h 
quite   enough    (tilting,    nnd    tln>    jiuji-    ij'inxtrm-tion    and 
the  villain  are  ratlu-r  ovenlom-.     Ilut  still,  for 
like  it,  I  've  no  doubt  it  'e  all  very  app- 

Metemp«ycho»i«. 

"Mr.    Fl(ickli»rt    has    livivl     u:  »i/.   Ki..)j 

George     HI.,    Quoen    Virtoris,     niiel      Kini<     1-..U.U.I     \11 


Ptoplc't  Journal. 

WHAT  was  he  doinx  when  t".i:. n.,r  IV.  and  WII.I.UM  IV. 
were  on  the  throne'.'     Perhaps  In-  was  a  smull  rahhit. 


Thing*  one  wUhe*  one  could  have  said  oneself. 

any  clrsiro  t"  minimi**  l'"-   '  -t  (joal,  it  i 


K..I.1  il..it  it  n  nift  out 

.nil  IK  it  .il"  .7  . 


OCTonr.ii  0,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


'.VI 


ASA  nxr,  t«*. 


(,S'"»/n    lirrriit 


the  Editor 


The  Time*." 


signalise   in   a    happy    way    the    with- 
drawal of  my  boyeiitt. 

'  II. 
TIIK  I)i:<  KAsr.n  WIKK'S   SISTKR   Hn.i.. 


,,  -.7  ...      .  .  1-1  ,1        *   JIr'      *^««VOrti51»U        ItlTE.    O       hJlOAdn        I.U.I.. 

SIR, — You  will  be  keenly  interested    ,.,     ..       .....         .  ,,  _,. 

hear     as    will   the    n-s     o  to  the  EiUor  of      The  Wettmuuter 


04* 
DEAR    SIR, — The    discussion    upon 


to  hear  (as  will  the  rest  of  the 
English-speaking  public)  that  I  have 
addressed  a  letter  to  the 
liters'  Associa-- 
tion  withdraw- 
ing my  name  as 
a  boyeotter  of 
The  Times  Book 
Club,  and  that 
I  am  now  at 
liberty  to  supply 
you  with  an  un- 
limited number 
of  copies  of  my 
recent  book  at 
the  usual  trade 
terms. 

It  is  necessary 
that  I  should 
make  this  change 
in  my  attitude 
to  The  Times 
Book  Club  as 
widely  known  as 
possible,  lest  in- 
ternational com- 
plications should 
bo  hastened  by 
some  misunder- 
;•' anding  as  to 
the  exact  posi- 
tion of  my  firm. 
The  great  step 
has  become  ne- 
cessary because 
I  have  discovered 
that  my  author 
sutlers  severely  if 
her  book  cannot 
be  pressed  upon 
subscribers  to  the 
Book  Club.  Be- 
fore the  boycott 
began  I  dis- 
covered that 
whereas  the 
whole  of  the 
trade  had  taken 
only  one  copy 
of  this  recent  • 

book  of  mine  (Aut  Ccesar  ant  this  question  has  proved  of  great 
Callus,  Gs.,  by  Jr.ssiE  BALDWIN1),  interest  to  many  readers  like  my- 
The  Times  Book  Club  had  taken  two. ;  self.  While  I  cannot  go  so  far  on 
Under  these  circumstances  it  is  im-  the  One  hand  as  "M.I'.  "  in  his 
possible  that  I  can  maintain  my  rigid  "tter  disregard  of  the  Episcopal 
boycott  of  The  Times  Book  Club,  and  Bench,  yet,  on 


mi      biith     sid'->;     and      1  . 

ticidarly  struck  with  a  pav-ing  I-.-I.T- 
•;f  his  «.  ili,.   Tubl,.  ..f   Atiinity 
as    it    is   st-t    diit    in    tli.     i 
It   may  inter,  ,(    \,,ui-  readers  (,,  l,n,,w 
that     I    him-    just    publislicil    a    lialid- 


:.v  boiiiul 


,,f  tli. 


. 

Cniiiiin.il     I'raver    at    tli,.    ivnmrkal.lv 
low  price  of  nine|,,  ,,ce.     I  am, 
P.  C.   I..MIT 

(f--r     Th.< 


A    RAILWAY    STRIKE. 


Limit 

i 


HI. 


\\"iit 


the    other     hand. 


at^the  same  time  do  justice  to  my  j  the    extreme    views    of    Lord 

..11 1 __i_  .     "il         1      "..     t'uftr        ftonn^f.      orvtvi  rvT  a  n  f\       llim 


author,    who   entrusts   me    with    her 


HUGH 

CKCIL    cannot   commend    themselves 
to    the     large     body     of     moderate 


manuscript. 

Yours  faithfully, 

.I..HX    I'ATKKXosTKH    ( I'ullixl, rrt.       ,,„,    rij,,,t 
/'./S'.       My     new     book,     Eternity  that    there    was    much    to    be    said 


Churchmen  such  as  myself.  "  His- 
TOKKTS  "  seemed  to  me  to  strike 
when  he  admitted 


man"  A-im//// 
copy  and  douge. 

Wishing  to 
find  out  a  tew 
particulars  of 
this  new  cra/e, 
our  representa- 
tive Sought  an 
interview  w  i  t  h 
MKSSIIS.  SHOVKIIS, 
the  famous  t<>\ 
makers. 

'  Yes," 

the  courteous 
and  energ.iic 
manager,  "  the 
game  has  cer- 
tainly taken  hold 
of  the  British 
public  in  a  mar- 
vellous manner. 
We  simply  can- 
not keep  pace 
with  the  de- 
mand, and  since 
this  morning  we 
have  sold  no 
f  e  w  e  r  t  h  a  n 
30,000  sets.  We 
make  these  in  all 
si/es  and  prices, 
from  OJ.  up  to 
10a.  V>d.  Our 
In.  <!</.  Speciality 
is  very  popular." 
"And  is  the 
game  dangerous?" 
inquired  our  repre- 
sentative. 

"  There  is  an 
element  of  danger 
with  the  Qd.  set,  but  the  Speciality, 
being  lined  throughout  with  rubber, 
is  absolutely  innocuous." 

"Do  you   find   that  most  of  \<mr 
customers  pick  up  the  game  easily '.' 

"  Well,  it  depends  largely  upon 
the  nature  of  the  outfit  they  pur- 
chase. With  the  cheap  '.hi.  <>r 
course  there  is  a  certain  difficulty. 
But,  on  tho  other  hand,  our  7*.  6d. 
Speciality  --- 

[This  interview  must  m>w  close. — 
ED.J 


254 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


9,  1907. 


THE    SLIM    LIFE. 

[Thought*  |  tlio  utterance  of  an  nirrrt  on  the  oo 

the  opening  •  annual  exLilutiun   u(   uilur- 

Bttde garment*  at  the  c.  :i..r  1  Mint   \. .,  !, 

You  ask  iii'-  i  'out 

That  I.  I'V  nature  something  •( 

li  i\c  grown  so  slim;  whv 
Th  .  ifth 

And  palpably  induced  a  dearth 

Of  adipose  deposit '.' 

\Vhnt  has  occunvd  that  tiuiKl 

Was  luiil  on  Teuton  lines,  fulfilled 

Of  lager  and  polonies. 
Now  at  the  region  of  tlr   belt 
I 'isports  a  figure  lit!  -It 

•lint  of  young  Adonis? 

I.  to  gum  this  end,  each 
The  fattening  joys  of  starchy  food, 

Sugar  and  milk  and  Dor> 
Or  haply  had  my  bulging  wi. 
In  metal  cummerbunds  encas 

Or  the  coercive  corset? 

Can  it  be  due  to  business  cares 
That  gnaw  the  mind  nnd  unawares 

Promote  emaciation'.' 
Or  have  my  heart's  illusions  failed, 
Has  unrequited  love  curtailed 

My  tumid  corporation? 

Nay,  rather,  friend,  my  waning  fat 
Comes  from  the  Tube,  and  things  like  that, 

Inimical  to  slow  men  : 
For  here,  if  you  would  foil  the  guard, 
You  must,  by  exercising  hard, 

Reduce  your  proud  abdomen. 

But  chief  of  all  I  owe  a  debt 

To  motor-cars  that  make  the  sweat 

Course  from  my  beady  forehead ; 
Whence  he  that  runs  should  also  fly, 
Unless  the  fool  prefers  to  die 

A  death  that 's  simply  horrid. 

And  so  I  nurse  some  kindly  thoughts 
Of  these  careering  Juggernauts 

That  some  regard  as  hellish ; 
For  to  escape  their  rude  imprint 
1  learned  the  tendency  to  sprint 

Which  made  mo  so  gazellish. 


O.  S. 


The  Bandlord  at  Home. 

"  AFTEB  supper,  at  2.80  A.M.,  bullion  was  served." 

Bloemfontcin  Post. 

"It  waa  generally  bettered  that  the  beating  of  the  Deotachland'ii 
record  avenge  apeed  of  23.31   knot*  per  hoar  is  only  a  queation  of 
time."— Daily  Hail. 
How  true  this  is. 


In  Gratitude  for  pa»t  Favours. 

"  Plans  and  eatimatea  bare  been  prepared  for  the  contraction  of 

road  for  motor  rehiclea  in  Surrey  and  SUMFS.     Venn.  F ,  «i  i : 

of  Sc  Albam,  have  the  propoaal  in  band."— Uanthedrr  Krrnirvj 

IT  was  about  tim«. 


FROM  an  advt.  in  The  Tribune: 

"  Monday  next,  at  7.  8,  ami  9  L«  Co.jmoi.rrs  PCS  WACOM.     I.iu." 
This  is  really  very  thoughtful  of  the  management. 


DIARY    OF    AN    AMERICAN    BEAR. 

Tompkintvittt 

Orli-bcr  —th.  —  Something  's    stirring    about 
l|.;ird  old  man  WAM:A«-K  talking  to  young  Sim 

as   they    were   walking   li< through   the   \ 

The    old    man    said.    "(lue>.s    w  'hem    (lags 

:    pretty    slick.     S  <  |     we 

t   let   Smitho|>oli  -  I  *Te  | 

button.      Where'-.  Wonder    what    lie    nu-aiit. 

Took  n  look  at   the  city  later.     All  the  i 
up  in  llafs.      City   Hall  just   a  \>'. 
must  !•!•  coining. 

Montlmj.      Such  goings-on.     Went  '.   dand 

to  the  city  this  morning,  nnd  got  safvly  hid  in  a  clump 
of  hushes  after  a  good  m  --al  of  Imtter  and 

which   I    found   in  an  outlious.'.      NI  i 

two  o'clock  there  was  a  MIIIMC,  tln-y  call  it, 

and  guns  nnd  fire-crackers,     due  of  the  Ma\ 
all  hut   hloun  off.      He  's  a  |Milii,  .  ii.  \\  .       \ 

ody  arrived      team  of  !  I. -ill  that, 

on  a  platform  and  hegan  to  speak.      My!      It  was 

Miik.     Tin-   otht-r   fell' 
•  >,   SO 's    I    couldn't    hear    the'    platform    feller 

\ITV    plain.         S thing    a. 

"  no    attack    on    wealth  |iiirr,l    and    rightly 

emplo  ;    mean   to  touch    in;/  savings,   tlu-iil, 

"the   law   must    and   shall   prevail"    itlnm's   my   senti- 

all   down   the   Iii  shing   that    sounded 

like    "  sivey    pass     'em     rah-rah    helium."        Latin,     1 

Someone  in   the  crowd   cried   out.    "  It  's  up   to 

you,    TKDDY.     I'm    for    H\I:KIM\\."     Thej    threw    him 

\\"onder  who  TKDHV  is.      \\'ish  my  teeth  \\ 

^    his     thirty  -two    of     'em,    all    showing    anil    all 

shiners.     Afterwards    they    all    shook    hands    with    him, 

including    the     United     Tompkinsville     Methodist     linn 

Club,  led  by  the  mini  "(!i\e   him   another  ti-rm, 

I  the  minister,  very  loud.     What   in  thunder 

did  he  mean?     Home  much  excited  with  a  big  jar  of 

honey. 

Tuesday. — It 's  out — and  that  's  w here  I  '11  he  direct  ly . 
This  is  no  place  for  me  or  Mammy  or  the  young  oin-s. 
back  to  my  clump  this  morning.     Heard  old  man 
WAVBACK  talking.     He  '  >nc  o'  them  haars  been 

around  horo.  Itoggorn  me  if  he  ain't  made  off  with  tin- 
sugar  and  butter.  I  'II  put  i  I.T  on  him  bright 
and  early."  KOOSKVKI.T  '  Went  hack,  told  Mammy, 
and  we  all  packed  up  and  left  the  old  \\'  ' 

Wednesday. — All  safe,  hut  it  was  a  near  thing. 
ROOSEVELT  after  us.  He  looked  pretty  spruce  in  his 
shooting  pants.  Mammy  and  the  family  hid  away.  I 
got  left  behind,  and  ROOSEVELT  all  hut  got  me.  Missed 
me  twice.  I  wasn't  staying  for  a  third  shot.  He  's  no 
pinner,  anyway.  What's  ho  want  to  shoot  me  for'.' 
Whv  don't  he  get  home  on  I!OCKKKI:I,I.K.K'.'  This  land  of 
the 'five's  nhout  played  out.  I  'm  for  Bin  AN  all  the 
.:l  emigrate  if  i;<iosi;\  1:1.1  gets  another  term. 


Wi;  ha\e  had  occasion  once  before  to  call  attention 
to  the  callousness  of  the  Tribune  in  catering  for  the 
\outh  of  the  country. 

"  1  oi:    -i  m;    Cmi.mu:x. 

STIX«;IN<;  N 
does  not  strike  a  much  happier  i 


"All     •  •!...«>  nhirli  ilo   i  r  nliMi  otherwise 

I,  pane*  tlu 

Tins  one  looks  as  if  it  could  only  just  have  struggled 
through  one. 


PUM.  OR  THE  LOND(W  OTAMVAM.-Ootol.tt  0,  loot 


THE    NEW    ALTRUISM. 


LABOUR  M.P.  "MY  POOR   FRIEND,  HERE'S  FIVE  SHILLINGS  FOR  YOU." 
LIFE-LONG  LOAFEB.  "  GAWD  BLESS  YEU,  GUVNOR !  " 
CITY  MERCHANT.  "HERE,  HANG  IT,  THAT'S  MY  MONEY!" 
LACOCB  M.P.  "  YES,  I  KNOW.    BUT  IT 'S  MY  1DKA ! " 

[According  to  Mr.  RAMSAT  MACDONALD,  the  programme  of  certain  labour  Members  includes  an  Old  Age  Pension  scheme  based  en  • 

graduated  super-tax  on  incomes  above  £5,000.] 


Kn  !»,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Earnest  Female.  "PROFESSOR,  I  HEAR  von  ABE  A  OBEAT  ORNITHOLOGIST?"  Profetsor.  "I  AM  AX  OBNITIIOI.OOIST,  MADAM." 

Earnest  Female.  "THEN  COCLD  TOU  KINDLY  TELL  MB  THE  BOTANICAL  NAME  roil  A  WHALE?" 


FED  UP. 

HE  looked  like  a  man  who  had 
been  through  the  fire  of  experience, 
and  had  not  escaped  unscathed. 
Although  I  could  not  fit  a  name  to 
him,  his  strong,  clean-shaven  face 
seemed  strangely  familiar  to  me,  and 
at  first  I  was  puzzled. 

It  was  Sunday — Sunday  afternoon 
in  tho  Strand.  In  another  hour  or 
two  food  would  be  as  unattainable  in 
the  greatest  city  in  tho  world  as  on 
the  remotest  desert  island  of  the 
Pacific;  so,  when  ho  asked  me,  with 
a  hungry  light  in  his  eyes,  where  he 
could  get  lunch,  I  made  haste  to 
answer,  and  framed  my  answer  to  fit 
his  supposed  tastes  and  habits. 
Faultlessly  dressed — though  I  own  I 
did  not  like  the  green  felt  hat — with  a 
general  air  of  affluence  about  him,  he 
\\  us  not,  it  was  plain,  accustomed  to 
those  inexpensive  haunts  where  I 
commonly  leave  twopence  for  the 
waiter. 

'  There  is  the  Ceciloy,"  I  began, 
"  or  the  Carlritz." 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,"  he  replied, 
-gripping  my  arm,  "  take  me  some- 
where where  I  can  have  a  simple, 
unsophisticated  chop  and  a  pint  of 
hitter."  His  eyes  glowed  with 


strange  enthusiasm  as  he  spoke  of 
chops. 

"  By  all  means,"  I  said.  "  Shall 
we  take  this  taximeter?  " 

"  Not  for  worlds,"  he  interjected 
quickly,  "  it  would  remind  me  too 
painfully  of  my  splendidly-appointed, 
ninety-horse-power,  noiseless  Daim- 
hard.  Walking  for  me.  This  is  my 
only  holiday.  People  think  I  don't 
coma  out.  on  Sundays,  but — aha !  ' 

I  led  him  down  a  dark  passage  into 
one  of  the  few  places  now  left  to 
London  where  one  may  feed  uusur- 
rounded  by  irrelevant  mirrors.  My 
companion  took  it  all  in  at  a  glance — 
the  sawdusted  floor,  the  clean  but 
rather  coarse  napery,  the  bone  salt- 
spoons — and  breathed  a  happy  sigh. 

There  was  something  almost 
pathetic  about  the  boyish  eagerness 
with  which  he  chose  his  own  chop 
and  tomato,  as  yet  uncooked,  and 
saw  them  conveyed  by  the  white- 
capped  chef  to  the  grill. 

"  One  word,"  he  whispered;  "  that 
man!  He  is  not  a  cordon  bleu' 

"  His  name  is  JAMES,"  I  replied — 
"JAMES  BLOGG."  Again  he  sighed 
with  satisfaction. 

"  No  flowers,  no  women,  no  in- 
scrutable millionaires,  and  a  cook 
named  JAMES  BLOGG — what  can  a 


man  want  more'1  "  lie  asked,  as  we 
chose  our  places  at  table. 

"'I  have  it,"  I  said,  in  answer  to 
the  question  that  had  been  forming 
in  my  own  mind;  "  you  're  a  Simple 
Lifer." 

His  handsome  face  clouded.  "  No, 
indeed,"  he  answered  sadly.  "  I 
thought  you  had  guessed — my  luime 
is  REX  UK  FEULLETON,  and  I  have 
lunched,  dined  or  supped  in  the  mag- 
nificent salon  of  a  '  modern  caravan- 
serai '  once  at  least  in  every  one  of 
the  two  hundred  and  eighty -se\.-n 
chapters  of  The  Green  Lraf  and  tin- 
Dry  that  have  been  published  up  to 
the  present  time.  Cordons  b\en», 
priceless  liqueurs,  le  tjntnd  \\trr 
you  know  it  all.  I  suppose  the  cold- 
inuttoii-aiid-piekle  public  likes  to 
read  about  it,  but  oh,  I  am  BO  bili- 
ous !  To-morrow  I  shall  be  eating 
the  usual  mngnifiwnl  messes  at 
Biarritz.  N/ic  1ms  run  away  again, 
and  I  know  I  shall  have  to  follow 
her  via  Biarrit/,  heeause  my  author 
went  there  to  recruit  last  year.  Ah ! 
here  is  my  chop." 

I  never  saw  any  man  enjoy  one 
more,  and  REX  DE  FHHLUTON  looked 
none  the  less  a  hero  for  having 
lunched  for  once  in  a  way  at  a  total 
cost  of  eighteen-pence. 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LONDON   CHAKIVAIM. 


[OcronuR  9,  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

Till    start  of  tin     '  ill   battle- 

ships fur  tin-  Pacific  Coast  will  ha\e 
to  be  dclas.  d  for  two  months  owiii« 
to  many  of  the  vessels  being  wholly 
unfit  to  undertake  such  a  Imi^ 
voyage.  This  boars  out  l'i;r-ii>i  M 
ROOSKVKI.T'S  coi.:-  i:t...n  tliut  ;• 
absurd  for  Japan  to  bo  alurm.  -d 

some  little  time  ago. 

*  • 

Mr.  ARTIITR  Cn  \MI-.I  in. us.  the 
Chitinnan  of  K  Ltd.,  is  about 

to  found  a  company,  to  operate  in 
Irt-liuul,  which  will  mainly  direct  it 
s.-lf  toward  such  industries  us  are 
suitable  to  that  country.  Tliis  looks 
as  though  it  is  thought  that  explo- 
sion-;, such  as  took  place  at  Ix>rd 
\-niow  \'s  shooting-box,  may  shortly 
ne  the  rage  in  the  Emerald 

V 

The  election  of  a  successor  is  not 
the  only  sign  that  Sir  WILLIAM 
TKKLOAR'S  tenure  of  ofliee  is  coming 
to  an  end.  At  I..-ic,  ster  lust 
Sir  WILLIAM  actually  had  the  auda- 
city to  make  some  flippant  remarks 
al>out  his  superior,  the  Ixard  Mayor's 
Coachman. 

V 

At  a  time  when  so  many  of  our 
pretty  old  customs  are  dying  out  it 
is  n  pleasure  to  read  that  at  Peter- 
borough Bridge  Fair,  which  dad  s 
from  the  time  of  HENRY  VI.,  the 
Mayor  gave  a  sausage  luncheon  in 
accordance  with  ancient  usage. 

v 

Some  public  bodies  would  appear 
to  have  no  sense  of  shame.  The 
Bishops  Stortford  Board  of  Guar- 
dians is  boasting  openly  that  it  has 
effected  a  saving  of  £239  in  twelve 
months  by  using  boned  meat  in  the 
workhouse  instead  of  ordinary  joints. 

About  60,000  persons  assembled 
at  the  Crystal  Palace  last  week  on 
the  occasion  of  the  brass  band  con- 
This  does  not  look  as  if  we 
are  becoming  a  nation  of  cowards,  as 
is  sometimes  olle;.- 

V 

The  Observer  has  been  drawing  at- 
tention to  the  pastimes  of  our 
Bishops  as  revenle.1  in  lUio'«  lUn.. 
Some  affect  cycling,  others  boating, 
fishing,  and  fives;  while  the  Bishop 
of  Hn-uN  "  has  a  good  co! 
DANTE  literature,"  which  strik 

as  being  very  rollicking  indeed. 

*  * 

The  romance  of  the  Ex-Crown 
Princess  of  S\\..sv  continues  to  in- 
teract the  European  public.  On 
hearing  that  arrangement)-  had 


for   two   policemen    always   to 
•-puny  the  nur>e  when  out   with 
Princess      MOMI  \      s.-\,  ral      English 
mirseiiiai.ls  ai- 

wilh   :-n\  V. 

*  * 

A  r  lulls   Bi  l;\s,  who  had 

down   ii:  h-picking,   ap- 

plied    for    admission     to    the    casual 
ward   of   the    .Mulling   workl 

!  he   man   pr>  '  •••iitly 

that  the  name  he  gave  was  correct. 
When     one     n-mcmhers     that     many 
Unionists     iiilcgr     that     the 
l"llt    of   tin-    Boaid   nf   Trail- 
frutid,    we   think    that   tin-re    i^   sulli- 
cieiit  ground  here  for  an  enquiry. 

The    Isle    of    Man    llurliour    i 
missioiieis  ha\i-   is, iied   figures  show- 
ing that   from   May  to  August   inclu- 
sive    388,291     persons     visited     the 
island,   being   l,3t\H  in  excess  of  the 
niimhi -r  for  the  corresponding   period 
last   year,    which    was    the    In 
record.    Mr.  HAM.  CUM    is  ^ratified, 
but  not  surprised,  at  this  steady  in- 
crease in  the  number  of  his  admirers. 

*  * 

On  the  arrival  of  a  Manchestcr-to- 
London  express  at  Leicester  one  day 
last  week  the  front  of  the  engine  was 
found  to  be  covered  by  -myriads  of 
flies.  It  was  an  excessively  hot 
day,  and  it  is  thought  that  the  intel- 
ligent insects,  who  were  returning  to 
town,  conceived  the  liold  idea  of 
taking  a  train  instead  of  flying.  Their 
disappointment  was  great  when  they 

were  forced  to  alight  at  Leicester. 

*  * 

Fortunately  the  British  Isles  are 
remarkably  free  from  those  destruc- 
tive storms  which  deal  out  such 
havoc  in  the  United  States.  Tin* 
Kijiress,  however,  the  other  day 
mentioned  a  gale  which  blew  down  a 

valley  among  the  Grampians. 

*  * 

The  proposal  to  instnl  theatres  on 
Atlantic  liners  has  led  to  the  sug- 
gestion that  similar  luxuries  might 
be  provided  on  our  tube  railways. 
Acrobatic  performances  on  the  high 
strap  should  prove  an  attraction. 

It  is  expressly  stated  that  the  visit 
of  the  German  EMPEROR  to  Holland 
will  be  "  merely  one  of  courtesy." 
The  rumour  that  it  was  to  bo  one  of 
annex  ition  is  prematnr 

*  * 

The    Sinn    Fein    party    has   <l 
to  inaugurate  its  campaign   in  (in  a! 
Britain  by  a  public  <l   monstration  in 
the  Lambeth  Baths  on  the  Inth  inst. 
It.  seems  early  in  the  day  to  thro* 
cold  water  en  the  ii.ot--mt.-nt. 
V 

1' \\  ill   the   Law,  i-nticman 


who,"    .(..-..    Ac.,    begins   an   emniiry- 
advi  rtisctncnt  in  Lloyd's  Newt.      The 
•   a  new  niie,  and.  on  behalf 
of   a   much    maligned    ]  Q,    we 

protest  against  it. 


THK   (iTIIKl;    SIliK. 

CMMMN    SIMI-I.K    is    at    work   once 
You     will     find     him     in     the 
em|Mirium  of  the  c\pai;  I  h.-h- 

(loniedan,  i   T.    1'.      Li-ten   to   him   on 
P.oKKoW  : 


'I  'here  came  to  Dr.  Hake's  hou* 

Kllll.   Hllfll     ' 

n\f"r>l    ilmi    nf    liter.  u-.  ,.|    just 

•f   nil    agiui-tii-       I!  ii 

i     i  ml'  -l.i   I          I  !  i-    -I   i.     was    a 
\n:\il,l.-    liti!i>    [crs'.n.    addii  I- 

us"  phni-- 
:i  l"ii«  time   1:1   il.  wliilr  the   i  .-il.n.t 

\l-ll    "hell    tl.e    S|   lihjs'- 

r;ni     dry    the     nM    Uoinany     l.inte.itr    I 

-li.wn    mi    tin-    uilde    with    a 

. 
That   is  the  kind  of  thing  that   the 

devout       T.P.-ariall       is       expected       to 

read  with  a  thrill.  It  is  the  end  of 
tlie  don  for  ever:  to  have,  been 
called  a  fool  by  BORROW  w 
sarily  to  be  a  fool.  There  was  no  ap- 
peal ;  there  can  be  no  appeal.  At 
that  is  the  view  that  the 
writer  wishes  to  convey,  because  the 

article  is  in  praise  of  BoUOW. 

And    yet  —  the    don'.'     Had    b 


None.     The  article  is  in  praise  of 

BORROW. 

Let  us  try  it  the  other  way  round. 
Suppose  the  article  were  in  praise  of 
the  don,  also  in  T.  I'.'s  \\cilihj, 
it  iniu'lit  go  like  this: 

Our  hero  chanced  t<-  \i-it  I>r.  Hale  at 
Coorabe  Knd  at  the  time  th.it  P..I-I.IW.  the 
auUinr  of  Ijtrtngro  aiitl  a  very  c-linrliHli  fi-ll.m 
in  jirivale  life,  was  slaying  there  too.  Mr 
Isis  WOK,  as  we  hire  i  M  i|..i.l-ti-i 

he  had  no  MSUraiH  c-   .  f  i-i-it:iiiitr  nlmnt   any 
thing:  Borrow,  like  all  tallies,  Mected  infalli- 
bility.    After  dining.  Mr.  l.-is  talketl  we!l  anil 
!UMK  mi    tin*  ililli  -ultieH  of  the  dubi.ius  i  rilii- 
df  life.     Borrow  I  iatenisl  in  daMM,  muting 
lit  the  i-liwe,  "Sir,  you're  a 
iliii  uhat  he  could  to  excuse  the  rudcnera  of 
the  comment,  but  the  <i!To:ico  was 
the  evening  was  ruiuc  1. 

That  is  the  other  side  of  the 
and  there  is  not  a  story  in  literature 
that    will   not    bear    land    perhn; 
the     better     for)     the     transposition. 
But    few,    of    course,     are    tjni: 
foolish    as    this    ecstatic    appreciation 
of  BORROW  's  boorish  narrowness. 


"  \\  .11,1.  -I,  n  tall  broad-«et  Watch  I>HK,  with 
a  voice  like  thunder,  a  <l<-Mi<m  t"  .ill  -' 
with  a  good  redigree."-  Our  l>i»j* 

('\s    tins   be   part   of  the  campaign 

tils'.' 


OCTOIIFJI  9,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


259 


THE    RULING    PASSION. 


HI 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CH  \K1VARI. 


-  l.i  •:   ;>.    : 


Till'.    riiillT    .MiMNST 

M      1    \LI>M. 

.MK.  r 

Yu  .  U.INI, 


TIUT  H  combined  effort   is  ii. 
:h  tin-  01 
.    which    : 

the  social   ii  -ul   fabric 

.•\>     its     baleful     billows,     is     a 

truism   \\liich,   as  I.K.TH  ..|- 

Hl'RI.KIc.li  cannot    be 

too    often    insisted    on.       Hut    while 
other   orpins   of   public   opinion    con- 
tent   themselves    with    iiiduljjinu'    in 
vague    denunciations    of    Socialism, 
Mr.    I'titirh   Ixildly  goes  BCVeral 
further,      lie    translates    antag 
into    action,    nnd    has    formula' 
grand    plan    of    cam- 
•i    whieli.    if    only 
carried  out  with 

and  \igour. 
will  speedily  ami 
finally  hurl  the  mon- 
ster hack  into  the 
limlxi  of  lost  and 
•ten  ean- 

Mr.     I'tinch'ti    plan 
is  twofold. 

I  ir>t  of  all  he 
would  arrange  for 
the  i-ollnhoration  of 
MMUK  COKKLLI, 
Mr.  HALL  CAIXK, 
Mr.  CFCIL  KALKIUII, 
and  Mr.  SKYMOI-R 
HICKS  in  a  grand 
Spectacular  Drama 
exposing  the  preda- 
tory designs  of  the 
Collccthist-  leaders. 
The  hero  will  be  a 
Conservative  work- 
ing-man, the  villain 
a  Socialist  peer.  If 
possible,  well-known 


hcle  of   pure   Intellectual   enjoy- 

Th     conllict>  should  be  ('l  en/; 
no    ipiarter     being    asked     or     -r 
and    would    tain-    such    fon 
follow  ing  :  — 

The 

.1    liy    tin' 

,  \ti.t  .•!    Woman    Sul- 

1     the     '  by     th-' 

ii. 
.    "  Timra  " 

Club    n 

Turiti      Hrfi-rincrt      v. 

Traat 

'I'h 

ti\e,   ai'il  '!.  r  e\eii   m< 
tracti                  a  of    int.  rnecine    con- 
flict    might     l>e  devised,     hy     which 
the     jM.pulation  would      h. 


IllAV  T<)  M.(TI;K  IMMVAfV   I  ni;  TIIK  liril.MM;   (>K  A\    \K|:<  HT.ANK. 


members   of   the    propertied    c 
should    be    induced    to    assume    the 
Tl,,.    |  nulta- 

neously  [ir.->rnted  in  London  and  in 
half-a-dozen  of  the  chief  provincial 
centres,  will  c<  Thousand* 

nightly,  and  out  of  the  gigantic  re- 
ceipts it  should  be  practicable,  after 
handsomely  remunerating  the  authors 
and  n  -itire  suli 

merged    tenth    with   n    moil- •>!    <'oiii 

;or  life. 

Hut    the    method   of  .11    is 

DOUgh.  I»istraetic(ii  i>  another 
sovereign  remedy  for  discontent.  To 
secure  this  Mr.  Punch  won! 

lies   of   ).•  .    far 

•~.nz  than  football  or  cricket 

matches,     which     \v«-  'inilly 

di\<-rt    id.     attention    .  t    thi-    toiling 

masses  ir,.ii.  all  intlaminatory  intro- 

011,   and   steep   th"in   in   mi   at 


il  and  a  more  enuitahle  distri- 
liution  of  wealth  arrived  at. 

Mr.      I'nncli,      howc\i-r,      is 
anxious  that   nothing  should  lie  clime 
without    full   discu.-sinu.    and    h 
therefore    heen    at    pains    to    ohtain 
from  a  numher  of  prominent   public 
men  ^sion  of  opinion   as  to1 

••:.-thod  h\   which 

is     I..     I...       in,  t.        II 

pend-  s,,ni(.  nf  the  replies  which 

Ml;      '  \    VSHTi 

Tip-   true   remedy   fur   S^.-lali-iu   i-. 

by    n  of    compulsory    insnr- 

ry     man     and 

n     in     the     KiiiL'doni     with     the 

means   of   ercctiiiL'  i'le    tomh- 

over    his   <ir    hi  r   remains.        1 

\M,nl  i  (hat    when    t.-n    \i'arl\ 

:      he. -II     pllill     tile     ti'lllli- 

dd  h.-  .|'-|i\.  • 


i>    ..(    the    ultimate    proprietor, 

:y    the    coiistimt    coiiti  mplation 

of   th  iidi    iniiri   mi^'lit   attune 

his   thoughts   :  f  our 

common    mortality. 

II  M.I.  ('MM::  — 
The  cure  for  Socialism  rv 
found    ill    political    nostrums    (.r    the 
spun  -udo. 

philanthropist  i  •       only    way    lies 

in     tl  .-atioii     (.f     a     national 

theatre,  where  the  \irtues  of  charity, 
and     magnanimity    should 
.iled  nightly   hy   pure  soul. -d 
playw!  i-id      high- 

minded     histri.'i^.      II. -me     was     pn-- 
I    hy    /iiinmi    i  I    cirri  < 

iniitiitix  mutandit  the  glory  of  the 
Hritish  Kmpire,  if  interpreted  hy  the 
genius  of  a  great  dramatist,  wi'l 
(iiall  hefore 
the  storm  of  SiK'ial- 

istic     Seilitioll. 

MK.       I;  v  ^  • 

I    fully    and    unre- 

•ll\    i-ndorse    the 
\ie\\  ntly    ai:d 

eloquerft 

l.y   Mr.    11  M.I.  Cu\ 

Sin     \V.      S.     (in.. 
•  IIKKT  :  — 

intess 

of    WAKWI.  K    a 
in      the      House      .  f 
Lords. 


Tin  Hull,,,,,,,,,,  Iff. 
-si  n-i  r  contains  one 
of  the  most  thrilling 

feuilletolls       we       1 

i     in     any     news- 
l.'ip.  r.          The    title    of 
the     slurs     is     rather 
c  1  u  m  sy,       "  Hrai.l- 
water  Spinning   Mill ; 
ir-ion      of       Km- 
but    thai    is    a    detail.      It 
must  he  undersold  that  the  workers 

•it      the     mill  'nhled      at      the 

.-latioii:    the   train    arri\i-.    and    they 
take 

on   its 

<!nl    nnj;iii>; 
on  board, 
iu  wa> 


The     p.ii    picture    of    the    ••nginc 

i;r<ippiny   its    \  •    ihe   poii 

• 


From   Clapbam. 

('iiratr  (irorkij.tj  t<>  u  rliniaf). 
Ah.    my    friends.  .    mariner 

runs  his  ship  "* 

twic 


OCTOBER  9,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


201 


THE  ROUT  OF  THE  ENGLISH  ROSE. 

f"  At  the  Royal  Hortu-ultural  Society's  Autumn  Show  the  principal 
ri/i's  were  taken  by  TOFCS  grown  in  Aberdeen,  Dundee  and  lielfast."] 

On,  weave  a  shroud,  where  none  may  see 

Her  sorry  clay,  than  doornails  deader, 
Oh  pile  it  thick  with  Standard  Tea, 

And  cuttings  of  the  Crimson  Bcdder; 
.My  England,  where  the  lanes  resound 

With  noise  of  bees  and  bullocks  chewing, 
Afc  Little  Slowly-in-the-Pound 

What  were  your  Surrey  gardens  doing? 

When  sterner  crowns  were  lightly  shed, 

When  sport  or  science  suffered  losses, 
"  Our  reputation  lives,"  I  said, 

On  Damasks  and  Perpetual  Mosses; 
But  now  the  clods  where  shamrocks  blow, 

And  thistles  thrive  on  pawky  humours, 
Have  been  and  whacked  our  bravest  show 

Of  emblematic  autumn  bloomers ! 

Where  is  the  Pride  of  Waltham  ?     Where 

The  Magna  Carta  on  the  trellis? 
What  of  the  blooms  that  scent  the  air 

In  rural  plots  like  Miss  CORELM'S? 
Are  there  no  hands  to  train  the  shoot 

Of  Bessie  Brown,  no  touch  caressing 
To  twine  about  the  Moss-rose  root 

Restoratives  of  guano  dressing? 

I  see  the  Dundee  Rambler  trail 

In  riot  through  a  broken  border; 
The  clusters  of  the  Irish  (Pale) 

Have  mocked  the  Earl  of  Pembroke's  order; 
Where  scattered  petals  fall  like  chaff, 

With  haughty  tendrils  curving  higher, 
I  hear  the  Lady  Stewart  laugh 

At  Lord  Penzance's  Hybrid  Briar. 

Then,  Saxon  gardeners,  gird  your  hose ! 

Once  more,  your  fathers'  deeds  endorsing, 
Produce  a  high-class  medal  rose 

By  dint  of  early  winter  forcing ; 
Next  year,  before  the  seedlings  bud, 

Let  every  man  (that  knows  his  duties) 
Strike — were  it  only  with  a  spud — 

For  England,  home,  and  annual  beauties ! 


HOW   I   INVENTED   CRIKETTE. 

BY  ADOLPHE  POUPINARD. 

(Special  to  "  Punch.") 

Now  that  Crikette  has  been  adopted  as  the  national 
game  of  the  French  and  British  races,  the  psychological 
moment  has  arrived  when,  in  order  to  allay  all  mis- 
apprehensions and  demolish  all  rival  claims,  I  should 
give  a  succinct  yet  luminous  bird's-eye  view  of  the  evolu- 
tion of  this  wonderful  pastime  which  has  before  it  a 
truly  cosmic  future. 

I  shall  not  recount  the  history  of  the  game  in  its 
primitive  form.  That  has  been  done  in  masterly  fashion 
by  such  illustrious  writers  as  Prince  RANJITSINIUI,  Mr. 
W.  G.  GRACE,  and  others.  Let  it  suffice  for  me  to  say 
that  the  gulf  which  yawns  between  the  old  game  of 
cricket  and  that  which  I  have  invented  is  as  great  as 
that  which  sunders  the  quadrumanous  ape  from  the 
polished  gentleman  of  the  twentieth  century. 

This  gulf,  however,  was  not  bridged  in  a  day.  For 
seven  years  I  laboured  night  and  day  over  my  experi- 


Isaaestcin   (>cho   lias  just  found  a  Dank  of  England  note  in  tlit 
carnage).  "Ji'sr  let  INFERNAL  LUCK— ONLT  A  FIVER!" 


ments,  with  an  obstinate  obsession  recalling  that  of  the 
famous  EDISON — constructing  models  of  bats,  balls,  and 
stumps,  until  at  last,  in  one  shining  moment  of  inspira- 
tion, it  occurred  to  me  to  change  the  spelling  of  the 
name,   giving  it   a  Gallic   character,    and   to  construct 
the  bails,  not  of  wood,  but  of  celluloid ! !     Flushed  with 
this  discovery,  I  hastened  across  the  Channel  to  com- 
municate it  to  the  famous  athletic  expert,  Mr.  EI/STACK 
B.  FRY.     Speaking  with  that  magisterial  authority  which 
inspires  his  every  utterance,  EUSTACE — if  ho  will  jianloi 
the  familiarity — said:    "In  two  years  Criketfr   will  l>< 
played  in  France — I  answer  for  it."     It  is  exactly  tw< 
years  since  I  left  EUSTACE,  reassured  with  this  oonaolinj 
prophecy,   the  realisation  of  which   has  repaid  me   f<r 
long  years  of  agonising  experimentation  before  reaching 
the  grand  transformation  which  is  already  revolutionising 
the  physique  of  the  Western  Hemisphere. 

For  Crikette  is  not  a  transitory  mania,  like  its  ignohli 
predecessor  Ping-pong.  It  has  come  to  stay,  and  d 
link  together  in  one  imperishable  union  England, 
France,  and  their  Colonies  and  dependencies  in  every 
quarter  of  the  habitable  globe. 


A  Bold  Bid  for  Notoriety. 

"  THE  Chester  Council  decided  unanimously  yesterday 
not  to  hold  a  pageant  in  the  city." — Manchester  Even- 
ing News. 

"THIS  DAY. 

PBOF.  SAIKTSBUBT'S  NEW  NOVEL. 
THE   LATER  NINETEENTH  CENTCRY. ' 

Saturday  Rerieic. 

A  pleasant  work.  The  happy  irrelevance  of  the  dia- 
logue is  only  equalled  by  the  sparkling  humour  of  the  plot. 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LONDON  CUAIilVAKI. 


9,  1907. 


gt  i  i  H:HMK  u'l.s  i  flit  ?" 


,   I1BCF. 


"  NOT  AT  HOME." 

ACCORDING  to  a  Society  paper,  the 
good   old    custom    of    P;I\IIIL;    calls    is 
dying  out.     Whether  tliis  is  iluo  to 
the  craze  for  ballooning  and  its  atten- 
dant uncertaintifK  in   tin-   mar 
transit    and    arrival,    to    \> 
not-at-huiuciiejs    ol     > 
<|in ut  on  motoring 
the  spread  of   Socialism   and    f 

souvenir-huntii  '.lu  tu 

say.      \\  tliat   tiir 

manuals 

vised  and  brought  up  • 
ness    t!i<-     follouinL'     excerpt*,     fruin 
Mo>!iir/-x  Win' 
— 


Should  any  old-fashioned  and 
conservative  acquaintance  commit 
the  gaurherir  of  paying  yon  an  ufter- 
noon  call,  and  insist  on  being 

should  In-  politely  shown 
into  the  hath-riMim,  us.  of  course, 
drawing-rooms  are  now  obsolete. 
Morning  callers,  if  e'pialh 
may  be  intcr\iev.ed  in  tin-  backyard 
or  the  aieu.  This  \sill  generally 

When,    on    lie.     nil,. •,•    hiuid,    it    is 

Ineumbeni 

i         .11   ut   u  friniii 

oondoleoi 

itlllntiol,        • 

ciKiit    in   lemlli  ..nnrd 

hulk    iiiKJ    scribble 

. 


lidding  siii-h  appropriate 

r.      Any  butcher's 
hoy  will  i;i\i-  \oii  hints  in  this  ilu.  i 

:  can  then  rin»  the  hell  ami 
run  IINMIV. 

ises  now  have  a  small 

D   to  the   |M.|,  h 

with   "  No  Callers.   Circulars  or   Mot 
legibly  punted  thereon.  Spriny- 
(/iins    ami    man-tnips    h:u.     :il- 
eome   highly   (xipular  in   count!  . 

and  have  been  fouiul  eff.-etive 
i.inj;  rur:i 

and    :.  b    to   indicate    tlin' 

im-reiid    trn\eller,   or   have 

call.  •!    f'T   the    rule-;.        P.,   I!.,t    b. 

I      let 

Burglars    and    <•• 

'iniiil  calls  are  recommend- 'I  i.. 
take   in    The    I.ndy.    and    keep   thi-m- 
sehes  u u  fi»ininl  with  the  hiie>t   d.- 
velopments  of  etiquette.    A  true  ^en- 
.11    of    th.  hould    al\\  :i\  - 

a\oid   wounding'   the   feelings  of 
an    invohmtar;.  make    his 

is  unohtrusivi'  as  jjossible. 


ODE  To  THK  \VK>T  \VINI". 
(Heard    in    n    bunLrr.) 

On.  Wild  W--T  Wir.d.  thou  i\»i\{\\  to 

Autumn's    tccinp, 

Thou  from  \vh.  hits 

hall 

in  t!io  rough,  ns  if  from  bogoy 
•ig, 

Mrm-ken    and    twisle.l    <  h:ird 

•tial  lie !     Or 
bed 

My   willed    "I 

for. 

Jvieh    like    II    needle    ill    its    IntNMiick. 
till 

Some    gamin    of    the    course,     who 

marked  the 

Shall  amble  o'er  the  dr  Junes 

to     fill 

(By  gross  connivance  of  a  neighbour- 

ing  shop) 
If  is  pouch  with  profits  of  the  r 

pill. 

Wild    Spirit,   who  art  always  on   the 

Author    of    endless    foozles,    b 

and    .-i.«'p: 


••  When  is  a  Pupry  not  a  Puppy? 

, 

Tin.     U     months'     rule     i 
arbitr.  A  pup 

could    a!v  of    these 


,  OR  THE  LONDON  C'HAIMVARI.- OCTOBER  9,  1907. 


THE   MISCHIEF-MONGER. 

BRITANNIA  (to  KEIR  HARDIE).  "HERE,  YOU'D  BETTER  COME   HOME.    WE  KNOW  ALL  ABOUT  YOU 

THERE,  AND  YOU'LL  DO   LESS  HARM!" 


OcToriKit  !>,  I'M)?.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Ml 


A   QUESTION    OF    "HANDS. 


Sportsman  (u-ho  lias  come  off  over  the  tail).  "  You  BILLY  ASS,  YOU  NEEDN'T  LAUGH.    CAN'T  YOU  UNDERSTAND  THE  REINS  WERE  so  SLIPPERY 
I  COULDN'T  GET  ANY  HOLD!"  _ 


HOGWASH ! 

(Reflections  on  the  recent  performances  of  Keir  Hardie  in  India, 
by  one  who  has  It  red  there.) 

POOR  little  soul !     Belgravia's  iron  foe, 

Park  Lane's  destroyer,  scourge  of  Piccadilly; 
Alas,  that  one  so  very  wise  should  go 
And  be  so  silly. 

***** 

He  sought  the  East ;  he  cast  his  eyes  around  ; 

He  saw  a  crowd ;  he  heard  some  shrill  invective ; 
He  did  not  think  of  waiting  till  he  found 
The  right  perspective ; 

But,  firmly  buckled  to  the  baboo's  tail, 

And  fed  with  facts  entirely  new  to  history, 
Flinging  aside  the  immemorial  veil 

Of  India's  mystery, 

He  solved  all  problems  with  his  nimble  eye ; 

And  now  behold  him,  in  the  name  of  Freedom, 
Hoisting  the  banner  of  his  blood-red  tie 
For  Bengalee-dom. 

Poor  little  soul !     So  lofty,  so  serene, 

So  deaf  to  all  the  prayers  of  Might  and  Mammon ; 
Alas,  that  one  so  great  should  be  so  given 
When  baboos  gammon. 

Eager  to  hear  his  native  land  attacked, 

And  zealous  for  his  raucous  baboo  brothers, 
He  has  not  grasped  tin-  interest  ing  fact 
That  there  are  others. 


India  has  many  races,  many  creeds, 

Who  live  just  now  at  rest,  because  they  're  made  to ; 
Some  go  in  pleasantly  for  warlike  deeds; 
Some  are  afraid  to ; 

And  possibly  his  friends  forgot  to  state 

That  with  the  dawn  of  "  India  as  a  Natioiv  " 
The  baboo  would  become  the  candidate 
For  spifflication.        % 

Poor  little  soul !     He  ought  to  take  a  turn 

In  regions  where  the  baboos  cease  from  crowing, 
Where  men  are  men  indeed,  and  he  could  learn 
A  lot  worth  knowing. 

He  'd  learn  of  races  loyal  to  a  fault, 

Men  with  no  use  for  petty  agitators, 
Who  live  in' honour,  faithful  to  their  salt, 
And  don't  like  traitors; 

Of  soldiers  that  have  been  too  often  led 

By  Britons  to  mistake  the  true  position 
Of  a  mere  stranger  with  a  swollen  head 
Vamping  sedition ; 

Who  'd  look  him  over  with  experienced  eyes, 

And  wait,  till  someone  offered  the  suggestion, 
T/II'S — is — no — Rahih  :  meaning  they  despise 
The  man  in  question. 

And  then  they  'd  take  him  sternly  by  the  nape, 
And  cast  him  forth,  a  wiser  man  and  sadder; 
Or  break  his  head,  and  let  the  gas  escape, 
Like  a  pricked  bladder. 

Dt'M-DfM. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  0,  1907. 


THE    DIABOLIST. 


• 

r.    The   mm'    r     .in    EM^UMwn.    with 
trntra  of  Scot*  Uocxl  in  bis  veto*,  and  n  ffrrat 
admiration  I  r  :'..•   Iris'i     it  determini 
the  OM  Country  (halt  not  be  pot  to  (bam*  by  • 
wretched  Frracb  child  j 

I     i  01  f:    ii|>    tin-    dr> 
spinning  the  spool  with  my  left  haml 
Mini    swinging    my    umbrella    in    the 
right,      i  i  then  I  •. 

jerk  tin-  lx>hhiti  into  tin-  nir,  catch  it 
on  thr  umbrella,  niul  run  it  u]>  to  the 
silver  band  round  the  top.  when  it 
would  think  better  of  it  and  hurry 
hack  on  to  the  string  again.  I  was 
tliis  for  tlii-  eighty-seventh 
time  as  I  reached  the  house,  and  I 
managed  to  ring  the  bell  without 
losing  position. 

Tw..    hi.r..li.-d    nnd    ninety-five, 
two  hundred  and  ninety-six  —  Is  any- 
body   at   home,    JAMES:'  —  two    him- 
md  ninct 

"  Miss  MARY  is  in  the  garden, 
sir." 

1  Two  hundred  and  ninety-eight, 
two  hundred  and  ninety-nine,  three 
hundred.  The  South  Eastern  Coun- 
ties record,  JAMES.  You  're  a  wit- 
ness. In  the  garden'.'  Then  I'll 
go  through." 

I  threw  the  bobbin  up,  broke  <\n 
elect  He  light.  and  caught  the  bobbin 
again  on  the  string.  This  looks 
but  is  really  one  of  the  most 
difficult  fents,  as  so  many  people  get 
confused  by  the  falling  glass,  and 
fail  to  effect  the  catch  neatly. 

"  Miss   MARY  did   that   yesterday, 
sir,"   said   JAMES    with    some   pride.  I 
"  Broke  two  of  'em  in  one  go,  and 
then  caught  it  behind  her  back.    The  ' 
All-England   record,   sir." 

•'  Really  •.'"  I  said.  "I  had  no 
idea  she  was  so  gotxi.  In  the  garden, 
you  say  ?  '  ' 

I  found  Miss  MIDDLETON  on  the 
croquet  lawn.  She  was  lying  in  a 
hammock,  looking  extremely  de- 
pressed. A  bicycle  was  leaning  up 
against  a  tree. 

"  Well,  how  are  you  getting  on?  " 
I  ask 

nly.  I  don't  improve  a 
bit.  Have  you  got  any  good  tricks 
to  show  me?  " 

"  One  *or  two.  But,  what  's  the 
matter.'  You  can  spin  it  all  right 
still,  ran  'I  you'.1  " 

She  looked  at  me  in  amazcn 

"  S/ii'n     it'.1      Spin  Oh,     my 

Well   now,    look   li- 
me my  bicycle." 

She  mounted,  and  began  to  ride  in 
nnd  out  the  hoops.  Then  she  took 
hi-r  dinl>olo  things,  st:r  spool 

spinning,   nnd   threw  it   into  tip 
Having  caught  it  ngnin  some  thirty 


•  •  t    back    to 

•  >     V  I  '  ' 

i      .   1 

"  A;  I   c  nnn  til  —  I 

simply    cannot     do    tlnit    more    than 

four     thousand     nine     hundred     and 

ninety-eight     tunes.         Of    course    I 

•rd  all  right." 

iirnke    W  '. 

lian  record.    But  1 
can't      ^i-t      iiji      t»      five      tho1. 
at   four  tin' 

hundred       and       ninetv 
Why   is  it?  " 

"  Probably  four  thousand  nine 
hundred  and  ninety-eight  is  your 
lucky  number.  You  were  born  on 
the  four  thousand  nine  hundred  and 
ninety-eighth  of  the  month,  nnd 
went  to  your  first  hoarding-school. 
and  first  put  your  hair  up. 
"  No  doubt,"  saM  Miss 


TON.  show    iin-    something 

" 


•  (  up  nnd  began  to  spin. 
'This    is    rather    neat,"    I    said; 
"  but.  of  course.   <|iiite  sinij 

I  threw  the  bobbin  high  into  tin- 
air,  and  started  very  rapidly  to  recite 
WokoaWOBTB'a  Kn-ur^ion.  .  . 

"...  .\-snow-\vhite-rnm-nnd-in- 
the  -  crystal  -  flood  -  nnother-and-t  lie- 
same  —  Bother,"  I  ended  in  a  breath, 
as  I  caught  the  spool.  "  I  finished 
it  yesterday  all  right.  Still  I  got 
well  into  Book  Nine,  which  isn't  so 
bad." 

"  Splendid,"  said  Miss  MIDDLE- 
TON.  "I  can  never  do  much  while 
mine's  in  the  air.  I  suppose  1  don't 
get  it  high  enough." 

"  It  's  a  mutter  of  practice.  You 
start  with  an  epigram  —  Ich  Dim. 
or  something  of  that  sort,  and 
work  up  through  KEATS'  Odes  and 
Miiud  to  the  Excursion,  which  is  the 
North  1  ,4iiii  Ion  record.  The  Faery 
Queen,  of  course,  is  one's  ambition." 

"  I  did  rather  a  good  thing  the 
other  day  that  I  want  to  show  you. 
But  let  's  go  in  and  have  some  tea 
first." 

We  had  muffins  for  tea.  I  par- 
ticularly like  muffins.  I  took  the 
thickest  I  could  find,  and  began  t() 
spin  it  on  my  diabolo  string.  Tin  -\ 
I  threw  it  in  the  air,  and  caught  it 
in  my  mouth. 

'  That  'B  neat,"  said  Miss  MIDDI.E- 
TOX.    "  Of  course,  you  want  rather  a 
—I  mean  there  are  some  people 
What  I  mean  is  that  it  isn't  every- 
body who  could  do  that." 

"'That   is   the   W.-lsh   record,"    I 

said  simply.  "  <  >iie  It  beats  all 
the  previous  records  by  one." 

Miss  Minni.EToN  suddenly  went 
over  to  the  fireplace. 

"  Have  you  a  bootlace  on  you?" 
she  ask'  I. 


"  Well,    1    ha\e    two;    but- 


I  '11 


"  Would  you   lend   me  one? 
•ii    back." 

She  tied  the  hici>  on  to  ti 
the    tone's,    opened    them    out,    and 
balanced   the  .  ..n   the   loop. 

'  Tin;    spinning    is 
you  1.  •    1 

prom  li  it  more  than  tv 

llolll' 

it     twenty-one    times,    which    is    the 

•nl,      but      of 

•       i  .  it    lief.  •!•••  any  of 

us  are  down,  f  it  's 

really  trui-. "... 

"...   Nn.i-t  •       idy- 

one,  twctity-t v  'her  ' 

'. 

"  I    don't    know    that    I    1; 
fancy  tricks,"   I  said.      'That  muffin 
one,    of    r  •  as    all    right,    and 

the  tongs  p4-rformance  is     we!'1. 
uninteresting,    but    I    Ii4>ld    that    the 
diabolist     who     sti.-i.s     to     his     own 
proper     implements     is     the     t 
sportsman.      1    may   be   unambitious, 
but    fir    me    i-  ;L;!I     to     have 

(aught  the  spool  a  few  thousand 
limes,  with  my  eyes  blindfolded 
and  my  hands  ti»-d  behind  my 
back,  without  fooling  al>out  with  a 
grand  piano  and  thin 

"  But    you    did    the    muffir. 
neatly." 

"  1  know.  But  that  was  simply 
a  bit  of  practice.  I  'm  going  to  a 
diaboli)  dinner  to-night.  You  have 
to  spin  everything  before  you  are 
allowed  to  eat  it." 

"  I  hope  there  won't  be  nny 
vi. up,"  said  Miss  Mmm.i 

"  Soup.  By  Jove,  I  hadn't 
thought  of  that.  Well,  I  must  be 
off.  Good-bye.  Keep  on  prac- 
tising, won't  you?  I  want  you  to 
get  fairly  good  at  it." 

"  Rnther.  Of  course,  we  're  only 
beginners,  but  I  think  wo  have  tin- 
idea  all  right.  I>oii't  vou'.'" 

A.    A.    M. 


"Alio  Kan." 

"Mr.  I',  ur.  !i  IT'S  only  en»:  at   tV 

special    Harvest    II 

Chun-1.  li-ssonii,  nnd 

nill  !» 

TllE   way    that    a4-tor   m ai 
all  the-  fat  is  simply  wonderful. 
it    was    generous    of    Mr.     Boruriiir.it 
In   •_•!•  -Ii4.p   a   line  or  two   to 

if. 

Shocking  Treatment  of  a  Domestic 
Animal. 

Wiinu:  is  TMI:   M.S.  I'.C.  A.  ? 
'Tin:  Kncincering  Department  ol 

:  lilway   4|  take   the    liull 

.-    horns    nnd    blow    it    up." — 
Ar/jug. 


OCTOBER  9,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


867 


GEMS    OF    ADVERTISEMENT,    READ    LITERALLY. 


1.  "  Oratory  (close  by).   Several  unoccupied  Hats,  recently 
been  converted." 


2.  "Really  magnificent  paying-guest  establishment.    Roller  slitting 
and  golf  on  private  links." 


3.  "  Oxon  (on  the  borders).  Picturesque  site,  suitable  for  an  artist."  4.  "Hunting  Box  (packs  close).  Fishing  for  one  Rod.    Should  be 

some  good  sport  obtainable. 


PUNCH,  OK  TIN-:  LONDON  CHAKIVAKI. 


HKSI  AH-  T«>  Tin:  ih»iTr\m.i: 

\tnu-t  tin.-  follow- 

•idicised    hints     from    a    recent 

article      on      "  Hn\v      to      Serve      a 

. 

itllil     We     ii. 1.1     II     few     I, 

ii|M.ii  which     we    d,.  n,     in. 

1          //    (/!!«/     /,.!«    I/.I//I.   M  I/    ,.)!     //,  -. 

surfaces  since   lunch, ..».    i/ij..    //icm 
liyhtly   it-it  h    (i   «i>//   cl»th.     \  . 
luilil  minimi  uh\a 

•/ni/  i/oiir  /n/./.  '/i/  I'M 

if*  ri<;/if  place.      Nothing  i*  so  i'1 
ing  as  to  tiinl  that  it  lias  been  n 
lit    tin-    l:i  :.(. 

/.iii/    .1    ilintier    plat,     I<T    <.;<•/, 
person.     Nothing  .  tablecloth 

t<>     <!  quickly     as     the 

t  of  this  simple  rule. 
I     When  all  <ir,  M  ,itt,l  unan-er  the 
XKU/I    turret!  :    put    </ir  n    the 

-i<lf  table.    Tl  .f  n  iluiul. 

waiter  may  also  In-  nsctl  for  this  pur- 
pose, but  great  ran-  must  )><•  taken  to 
ascertain  beforehand  that  he  really 
is  completely  dumli. 

'•<•  the  soup  course,  take 
first  the  tureen,  then  a  soup  plait'  in 
each  hand.  Tin-  tureen  should  bo 
held  firmly  between  the  teeth. 

6.  Pour  sherry.     It    is    no    longer 
fashionable  to  take  this  wine  in  tah- 
loid  form. 

7.  //  nitre*  and  almonds  hnre  nut 
been  served  by  the  persons  at  table 
to  each  other,  serve  olives  first,  then 
almonds.     If  an  olive  or  an  almond 
strikes  the  host,  it  counts  a  "  let," 
and  you  serve  again. 

8.  Put  a  spoon  in  the  potato  dixh. 
This  utensil  has  quite  superseded  the 
now  old-fashioned  harpoon. 

9.  />•  KI. 'iv   the  crumbs. 

10.  To  remove  thix  course  first  lift 
the  carver,  and  quickly  and  silently 
remove    any    crumbs   you    may    find 
beneath  him. 

11.  Do  nut  lenre  the  dining-rmnn 
until    you    are    sure    that    i/»u    harr 
finished.     It  is  alwavs  emban.. 

if  you  go  back  afterwards  to  pick  up 
nny  little  trille,  ami  meet  son, 
else  on  the  same  quest. 


"  If  Sicily  were  only  lituated  off  the  cnost  of 
France  or  lulv  bow  people  would  II.-  i.  t    u  I  " 

''lily. 

Stuck  away,  as  it  is,  in  the  Gi 
Archipelago,    nobody   ever   bears   of 
tli.-  thing. 

WIIKKK  millionaires  come  from 
is  the  title  of  an  article  in  Tit-Hit*. 
It   is  taken  for  granted  that    v 
know  whore  they  go  to. 


"THOU  HAST  THY  MUSIC  TOO." 
Ktun:  (JJ4  In  Autumn. 

Till,     autumn     s.-a-on     at      Covcnt 
(inrdeii   opened    auspiciously      always 

'lie  nature 

of     the     au-.pi  I,      m 

doub'      with     Mitil'iniii     Ihilt'ii 
Thur-.  lay.      1 1.     •  •  ixi  •  .i  •!  nol   thor- 

.niu'lil.\    .|iialil\     :    '    l.»noural>le    men 
.  columns.  I, ut  that 

will    co li/l.l     later   nil. 

ill-Ill      piT- 

toMllUllce.    Illlil    tile    illlluslllollS   C/lK/l/C 
penny    of    its    pa  ! 

ditll't     relneli.: 

HIM  111  rn      in      he|t 


Pinkertim  jun.,  the  fninous  Aiiierico-Japuiew 
year-old. 

Can  this  be   the  link   between  Japan   and 
.t    thai    Las    lately    been   reported    u 
missing? 

Always  delicious  in  her  softer  t 
she  is  admirably  suited  with  the 
tender  mu^if  of  this  the  must  gentle 
of  Pi  1 1  INI'S  operas.  Her  holiday, 
too,  seemed  to  have  mellowed  her 
louder  notes,  taking  the  sharpness 
from  their  edges.  I  shull  never  he 
convinced  that  she  is  really  Japa- 
and  I  am  very  c.  rtain  that  in 
Appearance  she  doesn't  faith- 
fully represent  the  haliy-wife  of  the 
"brown  tres-iis,"  nor  reproduce  the 
nn)\einents  of  a  squirrel  ("  ntuti  di 
HCiijntt(il>  ";--:«  feat  with  \\hich  her 
Yankee  husband  credits  her  in  the 

1, At  .        Hilt     I     know    tl:  word 

of  h'  i  gesture,   every   I 

is  marked  by  the  rarest   intellie. 

i       arli>ti\ 

Mm  .   I.KII  i  ' 

new    word    of    praise     to    be    found, 
that    all    must     he 

well     is     never     gr.  nt.-r     than     \\lien 
two  are  alone   together  on   the 

/!       /•' 
1'inli  rt.ni.    r.x  .1.,    did    not    soem 


MitVicienlK      overwhelmed      by      the 

I     think    he 

foiuiif  his  necl;   a  little   too  short   for 
the    collar    of    his    uniform.      1 
never   knowingly   - 

-    '.I       1      Collld      . 

believe   tli  li  \^>l   \\uiil.i 

>s.  II    III    that    part    u.-    in    the 
!    an     Vim neaii    I 

sympathetic,  though  his  black  i 

and  HI.K..HI.     tl. 

didn't  .jiiite  know  what  to  ,|o  with 
her  li^'htlv -gloved  hands,  made  the 
part  ..f  l\nti-  I'iiilii-rttni  h-ss  repellent 
than  usual. 

for    I'inli  rf.'ii.   jun.,    the   tnan- 

nikin    i.ai  uihot    wither   him 

;u    stale  his  infinite  stoliditv. 


\M.  KMIMI:K. 

I    CONFESS    1    have    -  -inetnnes 
rather  bore.)  l.v    M.    MiiiKi  X.     He  lifts 
a    "fine    'cad    for   an    argymeiit,"    as 
the     old     rurlian     savs     in     Admiral 
(Initial,  but  though  1  enjoy  an 
mei't     us     much     as     an\body     it     is 
to    my    enjoyment    that     1 
should    be   allowed   to  take   all   active 
part     in    it.      l.f.i     Hamietim*,     how- 
ever,  atones  for  ull.        When   1   went 

a   iiintini'e  of  The  Ittciil-.. 
Mr.  l.vrK.-Mi:  IRMXU  calls  his  trans- 
lation,   at    the   Court   Theatre,    1    was 
rather  afraid  I  might  be  bored  again. 
because  when  the  play  was  pro.; 

.vherc  else  the  critics  took   it   a 
little  solemnly,   and   I  .'ting 

sermons.     But  not  a  bit  of  it.      The 
Incubus    is    broad    comedy,    near    at 
times  to  farce.     Of  course  it  contains 
a     1.  s-on  :    it    could    not     be    by     M 
HitiKfX  and   lack   that.     The   I. 
however,  which  is  that   it   may  !»•  as 
difficult  to  get  rid  of  B  mistress  as  of 
n  wife,  only  concerns  foreigners  with 
their  unfortm  :ns.  and 

not   trouble   us   in    tv-p.-etal.I.- 
land.      There    is    a    subsidiary    li 
that     uncongenial     people     living     to- 
Aether    may    make    a    little    hell    on 
earth    for   each    other,    but    that    one 
had   already   assimilated,   and   s 
could  enjoy  the  fun     the  rather  grim 
and  cynical,  but  genuinely  bun 
and    pointed    fun     without    |..o   much 
unpleasant     reflection.       M .     linii:rx. 
too,    has    artfully    made    I'iirn',    the 
victim    of    the    nagging    I'harlotte,    a 
thoroughly     s.-llish     fellow,     so     that 
one's    amusement     is     unalloyed     by 
pity.      In    the   last  \\here   she 

iied  from  a  sham  at  • 
tempt  at  suicide,  and  brought  back 
to  I'ii-rre,  who  thi.uuht  he  had  done 
with  her  for  L'.»»l.  and  lie  bus  to 
build  over  the  Iliotiev  saved  for  n 


OCTOBER  9,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


2G9 


little  trip  by  himself  to  the  rescuer, 
the  fun  is  almost  uproarious.  But 
the  play  does  not  lack  its  subtleties 
and  finer  shades  either.  Wo  see 
"  the  mummy  of  the  villain  love  " 
still  present  in  I'ierrr's  heart,  and 
the  deadly  growth  of  habit  which  is 
gradually  making  slavery  of  his  life. 
That  element  is  more  appreciated  by 
a  quickly  intelligent  French  audi- 
cnco  than  a  London  one,  which  cares 
most  for  the  mere  fun.  And  as  there 
is  plenty  of  this  in  the  piece  1 
wonder  that  some  one,  Mr.  LAUKKNCK 
IKYING  or  another,  has  not  adapted  it 
to  English  life,  making  the  mistress 
a  wife,  of  course — there  is  nothing 
like  English  virtue— and  accentuat- 
ing the  farcical  element.  It  would 
be  a  roaring  success. 

Mr.  C.  V.  FRANCE  as  Pierre  was 
remarkably  good.  From  beginning 
to  end  there  was  not  a  wrong  touch 
in  his  playing,  and  there  were  very 
many  subtly  right  ones.  Miss  MABEL 
HACKNEY  as  Charlotte  had  a  very 
difficult  part.  She  had  to  pretend 
emotions,  and  of  course  to  let -the 
audience  see  that  she  was  pretend- 
ing. I  thought  she  did  this  a  little 
too  obviously,  so  that  the  man  would 
never  have  been  deceived;  but  then, 
of  course,  you  cannot  trust  too  much 
to  the  intelligence  of  your  audience. 
Her  "  conception  "  was  good,  and 
she  played  with  great  spirit.  Of  the 
minor  parts  I  thought  the  best 
played  was  that  of  Mr.  LEONARD 
CALVERT,  as  the  awful  example  of 
the  man  grown  old  in  the  servitude 
to  which  Pierre  was  more  or  less  an 
apprentice.  Oh,  yes,  the  play  had 
its  bitter  moral.  Such  a  comfort 
that  we  in  England  do  not  need  it ! 

Let  us  turn  to  more  innocent 
themes.  Have  you  seen  the  new- 
ballet  at  the  Empire,  The  Belle  of 
the  Ball  ?  You  will,  of  course,  be- 
cause GENEE  is  going  to  America,  and 
one  must  see  the  last  of  her.  But  I 
\vish  that  before  she  goes  they  would 
revive  Coppelia,  the  most  artistic 
ballet  they  have  ever  done,  so  that 
one  could  ruminate  over  her  at  her 
and  the  Empire's  best  during  the 
time — it  will  seem  like  years  ! — she  is 
away.  The  Belle  of  the  Ball  is  very 
bright  and  jolly,  but  is  not  the  kind 
of  ballet  I  prefer.  Not  that  I  mind 
the  complete  absence  of  plot.  (I 
thought  there  was  going  to  be  one 
when  GENEK  first  came  on  and 
scorned  the  advances  of  a  youth  in 
evening  dress;  but  this  seems  to  have 
been  mere  dislike  on  her  part,  and 
led  to  nothing.)  But  I  do  mind  the 
presence  of  top  hats  and  frock  coats, 
and  oven  of  tweed  suits,  and  the  sort 
of  "  business  "  these  always  involve. 
The  best  part,  and  happily  the 


Viear'»  Wife.  "No.     THE  VICAR  is  NOT  m  JCST  NOW.     Is  THEHE  ANT  MESSAGE  TOO  WOULD 

LUCK   ME  TO  GIVE   HIM    WHEN   HE   BETCIUJ8?" 

Old  Woman  (thecrfuHy).    "PLEASE,  Mr*,  MARTHA   Hiooms  woi'LO   LIKE  TO   HE   ntuiED  AT 
TWO  O'CLOCK  TO-MORROW  AHTEKNOOX." 


longest,  of  the  ballet  consisted  of 
reminiscences  of  familiar  old  comic 
operas,  La  Mascottc,  La  Grande 
Duchcsse,  Madame  Favart — alas  for 
one's  lost  youth !  they  should  make 
the  auditorium  dark,  and  let  us  weep 
unobserved — and  such  modern  ones 
as  Vdronique  and  The  Belle  of  New 
York.  All  the  old  favourites,  Miss 
ELISE  CLERC,  Mr.  SUKDBERG,  Mr. 
FRED  FARREN,  Miss  ZANFRETTA, 
Miss  COLLIER,  were  in  excellent 
form,  and  GENEE,  of  course — but  for 
her  my  vocabulary — was  beggared 
long  ago.  Only  Coppelia,  please, 
befora  she  goes  to  America. 

HUE. 


WRITING  of  the  Church  Congress  at 
Yarmouth,  the  Daily  l''.f  press  says: 
Whatever  else  tLis  congress  proves  to  be, 
it  will,  at  any  rate,  to  a  congress  ""  'he  rea. 
The   Express  has  missed   the  idea 
of  the  Church   Congress  altogether; 
or  else  it  has  confused   it  with   the 
female   of  the   Conger   Eel    (Conger 
vulgaris).     Also  there   is  a  foot  too 
many  in  the  second  line. 

Whatever  else  this  congress  proves  to  he, 
Twill  be,  at  least,  a  congress  on  the  sea, 
would  have  been  bettor. 

Squaring  the  Ellipse. 
"  OVAL  BILLIARDS. 
ROBERTS  i.v  A  TIGHT  CORNER. 
Daily 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK    LONDON   CHAIMVAKl. 


•Ill  I!    '.I.     1 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

'•'»   >'«.!/    Of   1  '•  >*«.) 

()X  a  day   wh.-n    11  driving   al< 


I      suppose      it 


the     : 

in  a  h 

nal  classes," 

prejudice',    iii 

of    our     • 

'  .oil. 

with  the  theme  for  one 
works.      It   h 

[THY.      W 

pictures,  chiefly  r.  ;  -is  of  old  prints,  Mr.    I 


real!'.  .    .   that  's  such   a  comfort    ...If. 

cmi    trust    \ou    entirely;    you    always    understand    m- 
well  "     that  is  |,,,u    I'should  talk  to  him.      7V 
'<•    '  Mi  i  in  i  s  i    is    Mr.    H»i'K.    in    his    i 

tin-    understanding    "|,  server    of    l.o\.   s    little 

I      award     tllO 

The  (in  v    I  'n>c!<  ":   /ir.irmir  arrftmit  --"  Mrs.   Th 


Princess."      Hut  they   are  all  L 


dtivi 

"  I   t.-i' 

led   t!  The  romantic  environs  ..f    Mevi.-o  C,ty    hu\e  c- 

,  "f     Si-i  s<  ri:.  the  notice  of  many  of  01  avelled  fiction  n 

..nal   his-  |,, it     Mrs.     Sn:r\nT    KKSKISK,    in    Tin-     .V.i./i> 


{•   p<>88O8ses   never-failing 

upplicil    TllMkMiVV 
:  his  minor 

in  gentler  fnsliion   hy  Mr. 
aid  of  over  half  a  hundred 


Of  I 


MKI.\  •    Ms      th, 

Farmrr  <•'.    rg       I'n  M\S>.      i 
tttily  he   has  nothif..  d.   1:0 

n«-w  ri  ir.itde  or  unfavour- 

ahle  to  th-  illus- 

trious    monarch     h  i     late 

'.•apt  t<>  light.  II--  has  in- 
dustriously, intelligently,  with  a 
quick  eye  for  vivid  olour- 

ing,  turned  ov.r  the  lihrary  of 
books  recording  th-  "ie  life 

mi     Tinu".    and    with 
skilful  hand  h  a  graphic 

narrative.        IVrluij  ;  ••••\  ail- 

ing marvel  in  the  mind  of  the 
reader  is  that  for  e\  tt  such 

a  man  could  1:  n  Eng- 

land.     Hii%  '-  such 

a  fool  as  PKTER  I'INPAR  paints 
him.  Ho  was  a  strong  man,  in 
the  sense  of  heing  <  His 

1     ol.j.-ct.      for     which     In- 
worked  and  intrigued  through  nil 
his  sane  days,  was  that 
the  other  day  hy  a  living  monarch 
whose     blood     was,      in      > 
spring,      drawn      from      P'ARMKR 
(li..i.  He     meant     to     be 

"  master  in  his  own  house."  In 
pursuance  of  that  resolve  he  re- 
tained HfTF,  aa  Minister 


offers      an      unequalled      opportunity 
vicarious  gtobe-girdlen.      Here   \\.-   lm\e   a  tour 
ally   conducted    hy    an    Knglishnmii   of   good    family    and 

hlameless    anti-ceilelits    wli 

brother)  round  the  beautiful  and  I 

rich    in   memories   of   Monte/uma,    with    first-el.. 

•>mm»dntion  and  a  mild 
atlin>s|ilii Te  of  romance  included. 

And  if  our  cicerone  husn't  time 
to  .;..  all  the  local  lions  (or  is  it 
puma-  :ly,  and  we  have 

to      miss      Mitla      at  ji      the 

pyramiils  of  Cholula,  we  up. 

V  II        to        the        1 1  I'm 

atmosphere   of    the    place,    ami    he 

content    to  watch   I 

flirtation    (on   the    t'  iid.-iis 

t  Anita)  with  his  I.Mtlier's 
fi,i  m-,' i.  Then,  when  we  have 
DOUght  our  pictui- 

liuatl    and    (»a\aca,    v. 
all   p>  quietly   home  auain  :   and  if 

iy    is   s.  >    i  i  -t  less   as   I 

i,    Well 

— has  not  his  circular 

Mrs.  KKSKINI  's  hook  should, 
1  can't  help  thinking,  have  heeii 
either  a  complei  r  an 

out-and-out     novel;    as    it     is,     it 

to    fall    between    I 
anil     I    don't    feel    inclined    to    lake 

•:-ihility  ot  picking  it  up 
and  putting  it  on  the  bookflbeii 
as  a  pcnp  irce  of  delight. 


MILTON  AT  THE  LAST  HOLE. 

•',   MII«8n>O  TIIEE,  I   WALK    I  I 
OX   TUE   HUV,   liMiHilll-MIAM 

//  1'fiitfrvfo. 


I   ha\  Tlir 


aa     Minister     in 

defiance  of  puhlic  ojiinion.      II  •  worried   PITT,  he  hated  I  Tale  of  Turn  Kittm,  hy   KIMIIIX   PoTTEl     I  .    \\  Mi- 
Fox,    nnd    he    lost    the    American    Colonies.       Like    his  I  Co.),  first  to  myself  and  then  i  several  times)  aloud 


father  nnd  his  grandfather,  he  had  his  life  embittered  hy 

the  sayings  and   doings  of  the   heir  to  his  throne,   who 

returned    with    interest    his    vindictive    dislike.         Mr. 

MKI.VILLE  fills  two  portly  volumes  with  pictures  of  th.- 

tic   life  of  one   who,   after  all,    is   the   lust    of   the 

'OHI.I.S.      SIIKM.KY  summed  it  up  in  three  lir 

An  old,  mad,  blind,  de«piied  and  dying  King, 

l'rioc««,  the  dregs  of  their  dull  rare,  who  Dow 
Through  public  worn,  imi,l  fr,-m  *  nun  Mr 


Mr.  ANTIIONV  Horn  lives  in  n  pleasant   world,  where 
;           'it   things  am   always  Pleasant    men 

and  women  make  i  ,rks  to  each  other,  they 

•id   the   w.-dding   gifts   nre   HUP 
pleasant.      If  I   were  a   I 

to  marry   I   should   hav.  In    M>.    H..I-I 

1  should  lav  hare  mv  it  to  him.      "    • 


ilion   of    three    little    ^irls.    and    we    all    fe.-l    that 
':>IIL'  lar^'e  and  splendid  and  "rateful  must   I. 
for  BF:  M  i:is    l'"i  i  •  i:.      I'oi.i.1.    said. 


come  to  tea.  ai-  ike." 


1 


undress  me  if  she  I  i  are 


pri  . 


1  admit,  hut  perhaps  th.  y  don't  qii;i.-  fill  ;!:-    bill.      \\ 

shouldn't  \\>-  *  stahlisli  aii  (  »ii|i  r  .  f  Innocents,  and 

h.-r  a  ' 

hrillia-  ! 

Ixxly  should  huy  her  hooks  and 

Tlir  l\i'  a  worth- 


tin-  similar 


of  .sV/i/irr.1/  \ull;in  and  /'.  It  r  I. 


The  story  its,  -If  is  told  in  tl 

.11,1    the    pictlP  -II    of   deliu'llt  . 


.       •  charming  hot  h  in                    'id   ill 

.                      ution,  and  KO  tenderly  humorous.  I'.iviiuv' 

a   man   of   th                     Mr.    H.-I-K.    .   .   you    know    what    I    Tli<-   nu                  •    the    I'nil.-d    Kin  ,!.•   you,    and 

•      .    .    • 


1C,   1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


L'Tl 


CHARIVARIA. 

Wi:  un>  afraid  tliat  Mr.  VICTOR 
(iKAYSox  is  about  to  lose  one  (if  his 
supporters  for  a  time.  "  At  the 
Empire  Theatre,  Helfast,  on  Monday 
night,"  \\c  read,  "  a  man  hurled  a 
bottle  at  J«iF.  MAC,  tin-  well-known 
Irish  comedian.  The  police  arrested 
a  young  man  in  the,  audience."  \Ve 
must  confess,  however,  that  the  for- 
bearance of  tile  public  ill  the  pres- 
ence of  music-hall  comedians  has 
hitherto  been  wonderful. 
*  * 

A   French    Admiral    has   expressed 
the  opinion  that,  in  constructing  The 
DrcadnoiKjIit ,       we       have 
made      a      great      mistake. 
Still,    we    shall    have    the 
satisfaction  of  having  mis- 
led our  rivals,  all  of  whom 
are  busy  copying  her. 

V 

111  his  report  on  the 
Waleswood  accident  on 
I  be  Great  Central  Railway 
F  .lieutenant  DONOP  states 
that  it  originated  in  the 
loss  of  a  spring  from  a 
goods  wagon,  and  advo- 
cates that  the  arrange- 
ment of  such  springs 
should  be  altered  so  as 
to  bring  them  into  ac- 
cordance with  modern  re- 
quirements. It  reads 
lather  like  a  Weather  Re- 
port for  1907. 

*  * 

An       ill-tempered       old 

gentleman  was  watching 
the  Diabolo  players  in 
K  c  n  s  i  n  g  t  o  n  Gardens. 
'•  And  to  think,"  he 
mused  aloud,  '  that  a 
month  or  so  ago  this  sort 
of  thing  was  only  being 

done  in  our  asylums! 

*  * 

The  advent  is  chronicled 
of  a  new  disease  called  "  Diabolo 
Neck."  Unlike  "The  Cheek  of  the 
Devil,"  which  is  an  old-established 
complaint,  il  induces  a  lowly  utti- 
t  ude  in  I  lie  sufferer. 

V 

We  are  informed  that  the  title  of 
Mr.  MAI-HICK  UKWLKTT'S  new  work, 
Tlif  ^looping  Lady,  was  decided 
on  long  before  the  arrival  of  the 
Diabolo  craze.  We  think  it  only  fair 
to  warn  the  public  that  the  book  is 
not,  in  the  fullest  sense,  a  romance 

of  to-dav. 

*  * 

King  LKWANIKA  of  Barotseland 
has  presented  a  tame  hippopotamus 
to  Lord  SELBOHNK,  and  Society 
ladies,  who  are  fond  of  going  to 


extremes,   arc  said  to  be  thinking  of 
taking    up    the    new    beast ie    in    the 
place    of    the     little    toy    dogs    which 
have  been  the  vogue  for  so  long. 
*   * 

The  Hammersmith  Socialists  have 

expressed      a      wish      to      meet      Sir 

WILLIAM  Bru,  in  public  debate.    The 

event  should  prove   exciting,    lor   the 

of  a  red  rag  on  a   J'.ull  is  well 

known. 

*   * 

A  leading  London  tailor  has  in- 
formed the  representative  of  one  of 
our  daily  papers  that  the  climax  has 
been  reached  in  man's  dress,  and 
that  no  radical  change  will  be  made 


Clergyman  (6tf  tray  of  consoling  despondent  parishioner}.    "Jtsr 
i  (iNxinkn  HOW  you  HAVE  BEES  GUIPED  A*D  PROVIDED  TOR  ALL  THESE 

M  \  I  MY   TEARS." 

I'arishioner.   "  SlXTT-SlXE,  IF  YOU   PLEASE1." 


for  centuries.  It  is  appalling  to 
think  that  we  are  now  as  beautiful 

as  wo  ever  shall  be. 

*  * 

* 
It  is  sometimes  said  that   we   Cittg- 

lish  take  our  pleasures  sadly.  Our 
amusement  caterers  evidently  think 
so.  A  feature  of  the  Mammoth  Fun 
City  at  Olympia  is  to  be  a  competi- 
tion between  Fasting  Men. 

v 

"  Many  authors,"  says  Mr.  1-isiiKR 
I'NWIX  in  some  remarks  on  his  first 
"First  Novel"  Competition,  "failed  (.. 
distinguish  between  the  novel  proper 
and  the  newspaper  serial."  Nothing 
is  here  said  of  the  novel  improper. 

*  * 

"  I  am  happy  to  say,"  remarked 


Mr.    WU.I..MI:,    l\.<'.,   MI    'he  ..peiiing 

of    (  '|e|  krllXVell    Sessions,    "    llmt     ' 

i  diminution    in    crime. 

Some  'JO, (XX)  fewer  persons  \\ei, 
to   prison    in   the    last    lueKe   mouths 
than    in    the    piv  ir."      The 

improvement  may.  of  course,  In-  du-- 
to  a  diminution   in   the   vigilant 
the     1'olicc  ;     but     the    Bench     knows 
how  1  'i-e  of  itself,  and   i 

encourages  this  theory. 

From  time  to  time  proposals  are 
made  with  a  \ie\\  to  reforming  the 
method  of  administering  the  oath  in 
our  Courts  of  Law.  At  present  a 
very  ancient  and  dirty  Testament  is 
nearly  always  used,  and  it 
is  now  suggested  that  the 
words  of  the  oath  shall 
anvhow  be  alt:  red  to:  — 
'May  I  perish  of  >-• 
infectious  disease  caught 
from  this  book  if  I  do  not 

speak  the  truth." 

*  * 

The  statement  that  the 
infant  Prince  of  ASTUUAS 
is  not  to  accompany  his 
parents  on  their  visit  to 
England  hus  caused  the 
keenest  disappointment  at 
Kensington  1'alaee,  where 
great  preparations  for  his 
reception  were  being  made. 
If  possible  a  meeting  with 
1'ili-r  Pan  was  to  have 

been  arranged. 

*  « 

* 

A  curious  rumour  is 
afloat  as  to  the  disaster  to 
the  Nulli  Scctmdus.  ' 
said  to  1iave  been  an  at- 
tempt at  suicide.  Hearing 
that  its  achievements  had 
been  surpassed  by  Conti- 
nental rivals  our  airship 
suddenly  remembered  that 

it  could  be  second  to  none. 

*  * 

\  statement  in  the  Police 
Report  which  has  just  been  issued  to 
the  effect  that  the  Finger  Prints 
S\stem  continues  to  give  "  unquali- 
fii'd  .satisfaction  "  is  stigmatised 
barefaced  lie  by  a  correspondent  who 
sends  us  a  somewhat  illiterate  letter 
from  the  New  Cut. 


Our  Home-bred  Athletes. 

tin1  linal  arrangements  be  satis- 
factorily arranged,  the  strng^'1-'  l"'t«eon  Ha<-k- 
eiisi'lmiitlt,  I'iidoiiliny  ami  /tiysi-,i  »nulil  1 1- mie 
of  the  gn>«t(«t  events  in  the  annnls  of  Rritish 
sport."— Daily  -Vail. 

TttrK  British  sport,  indeed,  with  a 
Scotchman,  an  Irishman,  and  a 
Welshman  all  competing  together 
like  this. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  10,  1907. 


THE  SERMON  OF  THE  FUTURE. 

[A.  tlio  Ttlfqraph'i  cortf*;  i 

nt  T 

i;.Mm  Jilfk't  I 

Hand  moral  letwon  or  two  in  80,000  wor«i- 
<!<•»  ir«  of  reading  the  tame  to  hia  cor. 

Up  jimiCr*  Uimwlf  for  rcadi   . 

ground  ol  a  dwindling  congregation,  and  be  boliewn  that  a  really  good 
pulpit  novel  will  achwre  more  ancc«ai  than  the  arcnge  aenn. 

MR.    Pi  N.  11   thinks  this  quite   possibW-.     In    fi 
unti  'mt   in   a 

;iod  «.f  increasing  the  popularity  of  the  pulpit  will 

to    enthusiastically    adopted    by    fashionable    preachers 

\nd  t'hen  tin-   Tress  comments  on   Mondav 

•jugs  will  probably  be  something  like  the  following:  — 

I'M M tu  SntAiiiAN  AT  BARS 
STHH  r. 

Y-  lay  morning 
Kiit her  SAVONAROLA 
STRACHAN  delivered  the 
thirty  -  fifth  chapter  of 
his  scathing  nnd  popu- 
lar serial,  entitled  "  Ban- 
bury  Cross,"  which 
hithorto,  owing  to  the  ex- 
treme outspokenness  of  its 
denunciations  of  the  Sinurt 
publishers  have  been 
too  pusillanimous  to  un- 
dertake. His  vivid  and 
caustic  description  of  a 
typical  Society  woman 
motoring  to  a  Bridge  party 
at  the  Cross  in  her  white- 
enamelled  90  -  cockhorse  - 
power  auto-mobile,  with 
jingling  sets  of  little 
jewelled  bells  loading  not 
only  her  fingers,  but  even 
the  divided  toes  of  her 
open  -  worked  stockings, 
struck  home  to  the  con- 
sciences of  his  hearers, 
several  of  whom,  on  leav- 
ing the  sacred  edifice, 
anxiously  inquired  the 
address  of  the  Bond 
Street  jewellers  who  sup- 
plied these  emblems  of 
our  social  decadence.  We 
understand  that  the  dcnoumcnt,  which  is  said  to  be  i 
painfully  realistic,  may  be  reached  in  about  fifteen  weeks. 

THRILI.INC  STOKY  OF  MURDER-MYSTERY  AT  ST.  FRIDOLIN'S. 

For  the  last  two  months  the  ' '  Church  Full ' '  boards 
have  been  displayed  every  Sunday  at  the  doors,  from 
which  hundreds  have  been  turned  away.  The  attrac- 
tion of  course  has  been  the  Rev.  OIRNAN  SCUNNER'S 
extraordinarily  powerful  detective-novel,  Who  Killed 
Him  >  It  will  be  remembered  that  in  the  opening 
sermon  the  victim  was  found  slain,  with  his  breast 
pierced  by  an  arrow  of  peculiar  construction,  and  that 
suspieion  attached  in  turn  to  various  characters  who  took 
prominent  parts  in  the  obsequies— especially  to  one  wh«> 
admitted  that  he  had  been  actually  present  when  the 
murder  was  committed.  Yesterday,  however,  the  F> 
was  disclosed  to  the  astonished  congregation,  who,  it 
seems,  were  totally  mipr.-par.  d  to  fhul  that  the  real 
criminal  was  an  apparently  inoffensive  character  known 


._,'<  r.     Th'  MT   nmnteur 

lij'-r'n  possession,  and 
i  him  to  i:it  h.'  hn.l  il 

v,   Imt  \\as  f.'lt   by  al: 

no.    i'ho 

idliiiralile  sliillin.:  .  and  \\  >< 

•   the  author  has  n<>t  . 
:  in  finding  n  publishi-r. 


!>l:^^!\l;.•   KIA  n  \i.   \i  -T'S. 

At    this  cliurch   the   !;•  v.    1'r.  '  MI:I.H- 

u  is  still  makini;  uith  his 

il    l>r:uiia   in   bhi!  .         .     .'/  ,,f 

.vith  his    i^Mul    i  i 

tionary  Kkill  the  fifth  atnl  fin.  ?  the  Third 


' 


"AND  HERE'S  TO  THE  LINE  THAT  WE  FOLLOW  I" 

("  Drink,  puppy,  drink.") 
From  th«  "Pipley  Herald."—"  Miss  HAKKAWAT  WAS  our  os  HEK  MEW 

IICNIiRED-OCIVEA     HrNTEt,     '  I.IMERK  K,'     r.OffillT,    WE  .     WITH 

THE  PROCEEDS  or  A  RECENT  LITERARY  SUCCESS.    A  BKATEN  covri  mou 

INFORMS    IB  THAT  THE    HOUSE,    I'M  IKK    III]     \\l\x  A.;    USE,    |US  THE    KK.HT 
NUMBER   OF   FEET." 


impression  upon  all  who 
lie  ard  it.  Ti  Mate 

appeals     of     the     ortl" 

li:e|. 

family  to  their  father  and 
chief,  imploring  him  to 

nn       hi 

• : 

.id  of  pathos  th«: 
almost  unendurable, 
perhaps   the  highest   jx)int 

ill     the 
and     subtly     inti- 

h  of  the  hero,  gi\ 
in    two   hundred   soil"' 
Alexandrines,      lus     \h  us 
(which,    it    is  needless   to 

do  not  ivpr.-s.-nt  ; : 
of  tin'  drama-  D  th-- 

ellicacy  of  prayer.  They 
produced  an  effect  which 
could  only  he  gauged  by 
the  deep  sigh  of  relief  that 
came  from  the  entire 

.tion   as   the   preacher 

hided   with   "  Cm  ' 
my    brethren  !  "     \V.- 
informed    that    a    terrible 

••sis  is  to  overtake 
I.mtijlegs  in  the  l;i-t  Ai-t. 
and  that  tlir  scene  at  the 
foot  of  the  "  (irand  Stair- 
case leading  t«  the  Hall  of 
Jud;. 

I    place,    is 

eptioiially  strong  and  moving,  while  it  establishes  he- 
id  all  possibility  of  doubt  the  sound  moral  tone  of  this 
truly  monumental  work.     Mr.   l'.i:i  im.iiM  Tin  K  and  Mr. 

•Mi'K    Iluuusos,    who    have    had    tin-    privil 
reading  advance  copies  of  the  script,  both  speak  of  it  in 
the  warmest  terms,  and  we  understand  that,  but  for  tin- 
fact  that  it  would   require   a   more  elaborate   mounting 
than  can  be  afforded    by   t!  :_-es,    tiny 

would  have  been  only  too  pleased  to  conoid'  r  a  pro- 
duction. 


cxce 
yon 


SINGULAR  Sri 


A  I'n.rir  X"\i.i.. 


There  was  some  natural  disappointment   at 

-    last    Sunday,    when    it    was    announced    that    the. 

.r     was     |  I     by     nervous     breakdown     from 

proceeding  for  the  present   with  his  charming  domestic 

story     of     suburban     life,     Tin      Ci,i/rM/i'/j     <>j     Snxnn 

Sitiijlf.   which   has   h--eii   drawing  erowd-d    pi  v •-   f<  r   the 

-.     The  Curate,  :  !',\i;t.\M, 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CilAUlVARl.-OcroteB  1C,  190T. 


&>  m 

±A.  r*JHr  /» 


DESIGN    FOB    A    "RECOGNITION"    SCENE. 

IU.UVAY  DOCTOR  (to  rcpretentati*  of  Amalgamated  Society  of  KaKcay  Serran,.).  "HAVE  YOU  THE  INTERESTS  OF  THE 

IT  If1     AT    IIKXRTV" 

KKrHESKNTynvE  'or'  A.  S.  R.  S.  "  NO.    I  'M  ONLY  LOOKING  AFTER  MY  OWN  FRIENDa" 
DIRECTOR.  "SAME  HERE.    THEN   YOU  ARE  MY   LONG-LOST  BROTHER!" 


ra  10, 


PUNCHj  OR  THE  LONDON  CHART VA I! I. 


O.-eupniit  t'f  ntlii-r.  "III!     Hi!!     WHAT  ox  K.UITII  ARE  YOU  iiuiv; 

U<md  (tcho  lias  just  leen  jxiid).  " THAT'S  ALL  RIGHT,  GUV'NOR.    WE'RE  LOOKING  FOR  A  TANNER  THAT  BILL'S  BBOITLH  ! '' 


who  broke  the  sad  news,  said  that,  unfortunately,  he 
himself  had  not  the  gift  of  novel-writing,  so,  with  their 
permission,  he  would  endeavour  to  intone  a  series  of 
moral  Limericks  of  his  own  composition.  We  understand 
from  members  of  the  congregation  ^Yho  remained  to 
the  end  of  the  service  that  they  were  agreeably  surprised 
by  the  literary  quality  of  Mr.  BAKLAM'S  Limericks,  which, 
in  their  opinion,  might  well  be  deemed  worthy  of  at 
least  a  consolation  prize  in  almost  any  competition. 
'['here  is  some  talk  of  their  being  given  to  the  world  in 
the  pages  of  the  forthcoming  number  of  the  Parish 
Magazine.  F.  A. 


CAST-UP  JETSAM. 

"  Do  yer  want  a  coat,  matey?  "  said  a  husky  voice. 
"Catch  'old!  I've  done  with  it."  The  working-man 
stopped  in  the  middle  of  Victoria  Bridge.  He  looked 
at  the  gaunt,  unsteady  figure,  and  then  at  the  ragged 
garment  so  lavishly  offered  to  him.  "  I  don't  want  yer 
coat,"  he  answered  gruffly.  The  man  with  the  coat 
over  his  arm  looked  as  if  he  were  going  to  cry.  He  had 
long  borne  the  stoniness  of  the  world  (and  his  own),  but 
Unit  his  parting  gift  should  be  thrown  in  his  face  seemed 
the  unkindest  cut  of  all.  The  smooth  iron  parapet  is 
very  low,  and  to  sit  upon  it  and  throw  his  legs  over 
took  hut  a  moment,  and  thence,  he  dropped  feet  fore- 
most into  the  swift  brown  tide  below.  The  working-man, 


rushing  to  the  side,  was  just  in  time  t"  see  him  dis- 
appear beneath  the  waves.  '.'  I  didn't  want  his  bloom- 
ing coat,"  he  explained  to  the  passers-by,  "  and  I 
don't  want  to  lose  a  day  in  no  blooming  court  neither. 

Then-  was  n  shout  raised  and  a  whistle  blown,  which 
brought  a  couple  of  wherries  out  into  midst  ream.  Some 
hundred  yards  to  the  eastward,  under  the  railway  bridge, 
they  fished  him  out;  and  presently  he  was  lying  on  his 
back  on  the  grass  slope  of  the  embankment,  with  a 
youthful  constable  standing  across  him,  ostentatiously 
preparing  to  produce  artificial  respiration.  But  the  man 
suddenly  sat  up  and  surveyed  the  circle  of  bystander* 
with  unconcealed  disgust.  The  working-man  was  pro- 
minent amongst  them,  his  dislike  to  assisting  the  ad- 
ministration of  the  law  not  having  been  strong  • 
to  overcome  his  curiosity.  Just  then  the  second  water- 
man appeared  with  the  dripping  coat.  The  ga/e  of  the 
limp  individual  on  the  grass  fell  upmi  his  recovered 
property  and  upon  the  intended  legatee  thereof.  The 
unkindness  of  the  world  was  still  uppermost  in  his 
thoughts.  "  If  yer  'd  only  lent  a  hand  with  that  eoat^as 
I  arskt  yer,  matey,"  he  said  faintly,  "  I  should  'a'  'ad 
a  dry  'un  now,  artcr  my  little  bit  of  a  swim." 

"J-'rom  Paris  Lord  anil  I-ailf  Y "ill   proceed  to  Palermo  and 

thence  to  Sicily." — Daily  Mail. 

'I'm:  crossing  from  Palermo  to  Sicily,  however,  is  not 
recommended  at  this  time  of  the  year. 


PUNCH,   OR  TUB   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Ocrons  16,  1 


THE    BOWL. 

Ml  M    -aid    she    thought    \\V   Were    ln-gillllill^    t«    Hill    Wild, 

so  we  ha\c  had   Mi->  \\'H.I.S  for  two  hoi.  ru- 

ing.       Sh-  .ill   sorts  of  things     Aritl 

French,  History.  Dictation,  aiul  ( '••  ography.  She  knows 
a  lot.  YA'e  like  IUT.  She  l  r  Hat  in  front, 

always  dressed  in  dark  »r<  y       Sh.  ...ind  to 

her  niotli.-r.  Hrr  brother  was  at  Cambridge,  ami  has 
lowed  in  u  boa:  ,|  she  has  promised  t,,  m;ik.-  liiin 

t.-ll  HIP  all  about  it  when  In-  con. 

Well,  on  Saturday  morning  we  had  been  doine  Kurdish 
History  about  KIM.  Hi  suv  MI,  and  Mi^s  \\  n.i.s 

read  something  about  u  lady  railed  the  FAIR  KOS\MONI>. 
Then  she  stopped  and  said  it  was  time  for  arithmetic. 
We  could  go  on  with  the  history  next  week.  After  sin- 
had  p<  got  hold  of  the  history  book,  and  read  in 
it  for  u  hit.  Then  her  eyes  got  bright,  as  they  do  when 
she  thinks  of  a  game,  and  she  suid,  "  This  afternoon  we 
will  act  th  the  FAIL  \n  and  the  p' 
bowl."  I  Raid.  "  Right.  \Vlio  am  I  to  i  "  You," 
she  said,  "  shall  he  the  King;  but  I  haven't  decided  tin- 
rest  yet.  1  must  see  V  nx."  Then  we  went  off 
to  Mrs.  Arsrix  in  the  servants'-lmll,  ami  sin 
"Mrs.  AUSTIN,  will  you  do  me  a  great  favour'.'"  "  l..:.l 
bless  you,  \es.  Miss  NINA,"  said  Mrs.  Afsrix,  "of 
course  I  will."  NINA  said,  "I  want  you  to  be  FAIK 
I'.osvMoNii  in  our  play  this  afternoon.  HKKIIKKT  will  be 
KIM;  HF.NKY  Tin:  Sn  oxn.  and  he  will  make  love  to  you 
in  the  ina/.e,  and  then  I  shall  come  in  and  offer  you 
your  choice  of  being  killed  by  a  dagger  or  by  drinking  n 
bowl  of  |Kiison.  Yon  will  drink  the  poison.  Mrs.  AUSTIN; 
but,  of  course,  it  will  only  hi-  water."  Mrs.  AUSTIN  at 
first  said  No.  She  thought  she  would  do  much  better 
is  KI.I : \XIIR,  ami  NINA  ought  to  be  ROSAMOND; 
and  I  thought  so  too.  But  NIXA  came  up  to  me  and 
gave  me  a  dig  in  the  ribs  and  said  in  French,  so  that 
Mrs.  AUSTIN  shouldn't  understand,  "  Moi  la  Heine;  non 
M mlii mi-  Aiuttin."  Then  I  knew  Mrs.  AUSTIN  would 
have  to  be  ROSAMOND,  because  NINA  always  will  be  a 
i|iieeii  if  she  gets  a  chance.  At  last  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said 
she  'd  do  it.  She  said,  "  One  way  of  dying  '&  as  good  as 
another  in  the  end,"  and  she  promised  NINA  to  scream 
very  loud  when  she  found  the  poison  working,  and  to 
fall  down  very  gracefully.  She  said,  "  Mind,  I  don't 
hold  with  kings  and  their  goings-on,  but  you  can  have 
it  your  own  way.  Miss  NIXA."  I  said,  "Fairest 
MOXM,  he  not  afraid,"  and  Mrs.  AUSTIN  tried  to  spank 
me,  but  XIXA  said,  "  You  will  have  to  remember,  Mrs. 
AUSTIN,  that  he  is  a  king,  and  that  you  must  restrain 
yourself  in  the  presence  of  your  monarch."  Mrs. 
AUSTIN  said  we  were  too  much  for  her  with  all  our  learn- 
ing. Then  she  gave  us  each  a  bit  of  cake,  and  we  went 
away  to  write  out  the  programme  and  the  tic 

I  forgot  to  say  that  Dad  and  Mum  wen-  going  off  that 
afternoon  to  spend  the  week-end  with  I'ncle  PICK  and 
Aunt  MAKKKKY.  The  station  's  quite  dose,  so  they  sent 

their  luggage  on,  and  at  thn 'clock  they  wall. 

to  catch  the  train.  As  soon  as  they  were  p.m-  NINA 
pinned  the  programme  on  the  front-door.  This  is 
what  it  said  :  — 

NOTICE. 

This  afternoon  pr.  <-i- •!..  will  he  performed 

The  h'.M.anlic  1'iaiiia 
Of 

ROSAMOND,  OK  Tin.    i  M  \M.. 

By   His    .Y 

Cupar  House,  in  Twi-he  Acts  and  Thirty  Tableaux. 


ClIMlU  I 

IMIKI   ll.nnj  Hie  Si-fun,!  ...     Mr.    HKIUIIIHT   Bisiioi- 

1'iiir   A'..*,  i  UK  nul    Mis.     \i  MI\ 

-      Mi-s    Nix\    Ili-lloi- 

,  liiiul  jrrn,  Viii.) 

It,  MM  •  f  -!.•  time  there  will  only  he 

All   E  Cuiineas. 

NINA  saiil  she  'd  put  in  that  bit  about  kind  pern. 
so   as   to    k.-.-ji    Mrs.    Aisiis    in   u    gi.<>d    temper.         Sh.' 
said    she     had    Seen    something    like    it    in    one    i.f     Dad's 

soon  got  tin-  audience  ill.  There  wus  JIM  the 
stable-boy  i  he  's  really  a  man),  ami  F.i.l/.v  the  parlour- 
maid,  and  Finn,  the  kitcheiimaid,  and  TOM  the 
hoy  who  does  the  boots  and  ki  II  went 

and  fetched  M  \,liivN  the  gardem  r.  We  had  it 
in  the  ball.  The  first  Act  was  in  th.-  Palace,  and 
it  was  a  i|iiarrel  between  me  ami  (,'i  i  i  N  F.I.I  \v>u 
about  me  being  so  much  away  from  home.  Mrs. 
s  didn't  come  into  it,  but  she  sat  with  the 
others  and  dapped  her  hands.  JIM  said  afterwards  it 
made  him  go  cold  all  over  to  hem-  |;..w  u.-  can  • 
At  last  NINV  said,  "He  thinks  to  deceive  in,..  No 
matter,  I  will  set  spies  upon  him.  Let  him  hew 
the  vengeance  of  a  yueen.  That 's  the  end  of  the  first 
Act,"  she  said;  "  but  we  haven't  got  a  curtain."  Th,  M 
she  came  and  sat  by  Mrs.  Ai  SUN  and  asked  her  to  In- 
sure to  remember  what  she  'd  got  t" 

The  next  Act  was  the  last  Act.  It  was  in  the  ma/e. 
Mrs.  AUSTIN  sat  on  a  sofa,  ami  bummed  to  herself.  I 
think  it  was  "A  Different  Girl  Again,"  and  I  came  in 
very  secretly  and  said,  "  It  is  a  nightingale.  N»  female 
voice  could  sing  so  sweetly.  \a.. .  it  is  my  beauteous 

•  \ioxit."     Then  I  said,  "  Hist  ' 

V'ave  a  little  cry,  and  dropped  her  knitting,  and  I 
llew  into  her  arms.  I  knocked  over  a  table  in  doing  it. 
but  I  got  there  all  right.  Then  we  had  a  lot  of  silly 
talk,  and  at  last  I  went  away,  and  Qi  i  i  N  I 
came  creeping  along  with  a  green  silk  bed-cover  tied 
round  her  waist,  and  a  cardboard  crown  on  her  head.  Sin- 
had  a  paper-knife  in  one  hand  and  a  teacup  with  water 
in  it  in  the  other.  She  said  to  Mrs.  AI-IIN.  "  Varlet. 
thou  art  discovered.  Choose  thy  death  ijuickly.  Tin- 
Dagger  or  the  Bowl."  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said.  "  Mercy. 
your  Majesty,  mercy,"  and  fell  on  her  knees,  am)  said 
it  was-  very  hard  to  die  so  young;  but  NINA  mad,-  her 
drink  it  off.  Then  Mrs.  AUSTIN  rolled  her  e\, -  and  said 
in  a  wild  voice  she  was  beginning  to  nche  all  over.  JIM 
said,  "  It  's  the  mushrooms."  ami  then  Mrs.  AUSTIN 
gave  a  loud  scream  and  fell  right  across  the  sofa.  Just  us 
she  did  this  the  audience  all  got  up  in  a  hustle,  and  tin- 
maids  threw  their  aprons  over  their  faces  and  ran  out, 
and  JIM  and  TOM  and  M  v<  lir.v*  got  red,  and  I  heard 
JIM  say.  "  Oh  Lor',"  and  I  turned  round,  and  there  was 
Mum  standing  at  the  door,  and  just  rolling  with  laughter. 
They  'd  told  her  at  the  station  the  train  was  half  an  hour 
late,  and  she  'd  nipped  hack  to  get  a  Look  she  'd  for- 
gotten. NISK  was  fairly  beaten  that  time,  ard  \oii 
should  have  seen  Mrs.  AUSTIN  when  Mum  said,  "  Let 
the  guard  be  summoned  to  curry  this  lovely  dams, -I  to 
her  last  resting-place."  Then  she  laughed  again,  and 
gave  Nisv  and  me  a  kiss,  and  got  her  book,  aial  went 
off  to  the  station.  She  wasn't  a  hit  in  a  wa\. 


Paul  among  the  Composer*. 

|'IC>M  an  advertisement  of  the  Heiidon  Choral  S. 

Paul's  '  Mendelssohn  '  nill    I,-  In  M   »a 

F.I.  1.1  MI'S  version,  however,  is  the  more  popular  one. 


OCTOBER  1C,  1907.]  PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


LIMERICK   CORRESPONDENCE. 

DEAR  MR.  EDITOR,— I  foel  I  must 
write  and  tell  you  how  much  I  ap- 
preciate the  absolute  integrity  with 
which  you  conduct  your  competi- 
tions. My  opinion  is  quite  impar- 
tial, as  I  have  never  yet  been  fortu- 
nate enough  to  win  ono  of  the  pri/es. 
Still,  I  am  each  week  impresse.i 
more  and  more  by  the  fairness  shown 
by  you  in  their  distribution,  and  1 
never  lose  an  opportunity  of  express- 
ing this  opinion  to  my  large  circle  of 
friends.  You  can  make  what  use 
you  please  of  this  letter. 

Your  sincere  admirer, 

WINIFRED  WHEEDLE. 
(Miss) 

P-S. — I  enclose  my  last  line  for 
this  week. 

P.P.S. — I  have  been  an  enthusi- 
astic subscriber  to  your  paper  since 
its  inception. 

SIR, — I  have  no  hesitation  in  con- 
demning your  Limerick  competition 
us  the  most  barbaric  form  of  fraudu- 
lent lottery  ever  evolved  by  the  evil 
ingenuity  of  the  human  mind.  It  is 
a  disgrace  to  any  government,  how- 
ever degenerate,  that  so  scandalous  a 
practice  should  be  tolerated,  and  I 
am  ashamed  to  belong  to  a  country 
where  such  corruption  stalks  abroad 
in  the  light  of  day,  and  finds  a  wel- 
come in  every  home. 

JOHN  J.  SAVAGE. 

Post-card  from  same. — Regret  in 
consequence  of  slight  spelling  error  I 
did  not  recognise  my  name  in  this 
week's  prize  list.  Hearty  good 
wishes  for  the  success  of  your  inter- 
esting and  amusing  competition. 

J.  J.  S. 

MY  DEAR  SIR, — You  will  probably 
remember  meeting  me  at  Sir  CHARLES 
BLANK'S  on  June  17  last.  I  sat 
opposite  to  you  at  dinner,  and  we  (I 
think)  much  enjoyed  each  other's 
society.  My  wife  also  remembers 
you  well,  and  with  me  is  most  inter- 
ested in  your  competitions.  By  the 
way  I  am  enclosing  our  joint  effort 
for  this  week.  If  lucky  enough  to 
win  we  have  decided  to  celebrate  the 
event  with  a  dinner  at  the  Savoy, 
and  shall  be  delighted  to  welcome 
you  as  our  most  honoured  guest. 
Yours  very  sincerely, 

FRANK  TRYER. 

My  wife  joins  me  in  kindest  re- 
gards. 

"  THE  feature  of  the  card  was  the  Sherwood 
Forest  Nursery — nomenclature,  by  the  way, 
which  recalls  the  picturesquely  romantic  dnys 
of  Robin  Hood." — Daily  Telegraph. 

THESE  great  sportsmen  do  think  of 
things. 


>i 


HcKtaurant  Habitue  (complaining  of  cookery).  "  WHO  THE   DEUCE   HIVE   TOO   OOT   nt   TO* 
KITCHEN?"  Waiter.  " OFFICIAL  RECEIVER,  SIR." 


The  Strenuous  Life. 

"  MR.  ROOSEVELT  referred  in  his 
speech  in  a  matter-of-fact  tone  (says 
Laffan)  to  '  the  brief  remainder  of 
my  term  of  office." 

"  After  leaving  Cairo  his  steamer 
broke  down  (says  Reuter),  and  had  to 
put  into  the  bank  for  repairs." — 
Daily  Mail. 

NEW  novel  by  the  authoress  of 
The  Sorrows  of  Satan — The  Delights 
of  Diabolo. 


ACCORDING  to  The  Daily  Express, 
a  farmer  killed  a  pigeon  and  found 
"  600  oars  of  green  corn  in  its  crop." 
A  record  crop  considering  what  a  bad 
summer  it  has  been. 


" '  THE  doctor  administered  an  anecdote,' 
said  a  policeman  in  giving  evidence  nt  Rich- 
mond Police  Court,  lie  meant  emetic." 

THE  mystified  reader  is  grateful  to 
the  kind  editor.  All  is  now  ex- 
plained, and  HERBERT  may  return 
home  without  fear. 


Rl 


rCN«  II,    nil   T1IK    I.'>\h<>\    CllAKlVAKI. 


:       I'.to7. 


DISTINGUISHED    CONVERTS. 


A 


an  interacting  account  of   •  lecture   I 
BcaXAKD  HOI.HM.IR.   iu    which    Out  oniocut 
•perialJX  OescrilvU  how  a  boy  of  16,  who  bad 
wen  a  "  liar,  thief  and  bully  "  and  a  terror  to 
Ki»  family,  waa  trephined,  and  by  thi»  operation 
not  only  loct   all    hia   bad 
acquired  higher  moral  feelings.] 

•million   of    Mr.    • 
XAKD    STRAW    is   now  com| 
our  readers  are  doubtless  aware,   ho 
underwent  un  operation  for  trephin- 
ing    at    the    hands    of    Sir    VICTOR 
PARSLEY  some  six  weeks  ago.     On 

_•  the  nursing  home  last 
he  at  once  despatched  a  long 
to  The   Times  in  defence  of  mono- 
gamy,   and   dined    off    the    joint    at 
SIMPSON'S.       On    the   following  day 
he  entered  into  a  contract  with  .Mr. 
CHARLES   FKOIIMAX   to  write   a   mili- 
tary drama  for  Prury  .  col- 
laboration with  Mr.  SEYMOUR  UK  KS 
and     Mr.     Ciii'iL     K.U.KIGH. 
Saturday  he  joined  the   Army    Ser- 
On  Sunday  he  sang 
in  the  choir  at  tin-  City  Temple.    On 
Monday  morning  he  joined  the  Prim- 
rose League,                 ndcd  a  rabbit  - 
coursing  meeting  in  Yorkshire, 
terdii                  -    v.u-cinated    and    en- 
rds. 

Th  •     i .p.  ration  ,lly     per- 

formed last  week  on  Mr.   Ai.K 
Ihe  famous  novelist,  hy  which  a  con- 
siderable portion  of  his  gigantic  brain 
was  removed,    has   uli-.  u   at- 

tended   by    tl  beneficial    re- 

sults. Curiously  enough  one  of  the 
first  things  he  did  on  regaining  full 
consciousness  was  to  express  u  vio- 
lent abhorrence  for  fiction,  the 
drama,  and  indeed  all  forms  of  liter- 
nry  activity,  and  to  instruct  his 
publisher,  Mr.  (IOKTIIKMAXX.  t«i 
withdraw  all  his  novels  from  circula- 
tion. As  his  conv  :<  advanced 
he  exhibited  an  extraordinary  dislike 
for  publicity,  and  assaulted  Mr. 
BEOTIIWAYT,  an  interviewer  specially 
by  The  Daily  Talebearer,  with 
Mich  violence  that  the  unfortunate 
journalist 'K  life  is  despaired  of.  \Ve 
understand  that  Mr.  ALK  ABEL  has 
changed  his  name  to  SMITH,  and  will 
shortly  embark  on  a  voyage  t<. 
Saghalieti,  where  he  intends  : 
r  the  remainder  of  his  life. 

Mr.      lii.Ksm.iM      1'iuiiix.      while 
abroad,  has  1  .  into 

the    Conservative    Party. 
ing     (by    gnu 

meeting    at    the     Ai  'I     he 

alluded    in     feeling     t  to     the 

services   of    S 

who  had  rest  political  saint;. 

by   tl  ;il   of  HC- 


urn!   •  • 

tleness    in    ui  •••.  h..    sin- 

-   country 
•ly. 

kind.  ill  be 

:     words    of    'i 

speech  which  so  moved  the  an- 
that    rcstorati-  to  be   applied 

to  seveial   pr  ra   on   the 

platform,    while    Sir    AI.I\\M>I; 
i.xsn  Hum",  t'  •  vative  Whip, 

had  to  1»  1   t"   St.   George's 

Hospital  in  violent  In 

Mr.     IIliiToK    BlloWNSoN.     ful'lilerly 

notorious   for  Socialist 

.      has      b  v.pletcly 

:   to  acquiescence  in   : 
ing  Ti'tjiim-    by    tin-    surgical    iii- 
initiated     by      ]>r. 

it.     Though  still  an  inmate  of 
St.  Thomas's  Hospital,  Mr.  BKOWN- 

s  had  so  fur  .1  hist  Friday 

as  to  hurl  a  wat. -i --buttle  at  his 
ijii(ni<]<im  colleague  Mr.  TOM  Sorn.t  u 
wht-n  the  lutt'T  ealleil  to  inquire 
after  his  progress.  \Ve  mulerstand 
that  Mr.  HIMWX-  indited  a 

of    fiilsomo   eulogies   of 
Clti'MKR.     Lord     Crii/nx,     and 
MII.NKH,    and   will   shortly   enter   the 
rirm  of  Itornsi  iiii.n  in  a  highly  confi- 
dential capacity. 

Mr.   MAM-:V   Li-:ox  has  just  started 

•Isdiim.     \vhere    he    will    be    the 

of     till-     (iKHMAX      F.MTI  lioli     for 

:. iliing     up    his 

nniiK  ntly      iii      lierlin 

under  the  name  of  HKKK   MAX  l.oi.wi.. 

This  someuliat  abrupt  chtinge  is  the 

result  of  the  wonderful  surgical  skill 

of      Dr.      SrlllKMXXV.      who      by      the 

-in. pic      process     <n      removing      the 

•mglion    from    th -ei- 

put  of  the  talented  publicist  has 
(•inverted  him  into  an  ardent  and 
•hearted  admirer  of  KAI>I.K 
\VILIIKLM  II.  Just  before  leaving 
London  Mr.  LK.OX  sent  a  haiiii 
donation  to  t!i"  fmiils  of  tin  Cobdeii 
Club.  1!  -n  off  at  Charing 

by  Mr  II  MI.. i. n  <  lox,  Mr. 
BiRHKi.L,  and  Mr.  HALDAXI:,  all  of 
whom  he  affectionately  eml 

'  ing. 

Considerable  anxiety  prevails  in 
rial  and  regal  circles  owing  to 
•ianpe  attitude  assumed  of  late 
'  •  II  Mil.-.  '  \.  the  illustri- 

and   traveller.      M 
who   had    b  ling    from 

If    in    tin-    hands    of    Sir    .b.i 
S\\\  •-  .f  the 


'.-d    null 

' 
-publican  and 

!'l|of  , 

and   I  :    :<'.'.   tbe 

i  -  of  fift\  , 
which  from     the 

' 
orld. 


\l.  NO-; 

.'I.Y  the  i:  h-making 

"t   tins 

Hhicks  "  at   tl  -f  the 

-tival.  \     did    it 

symboli/.e    that    union 
irymiiiisti,--.     \\lii.-b     ci  institute,  1     the 

•i,    but    it 
imii  hoir.  and 

although     a     ceitain 
iiinount     of     natural     n 
was   felt    that  wncd    A1 

;  Diving 

:<ny   demonstration   of   then 
in  the  hall,  and  \\ 
their     full     football     kit.      Stil 
CHAKLKS  Sr\NKoui'  ha-  .  tin- 

musical   ciitic   of   ; 
that   it   was  ti 

his   life.      "  If  only   they   had   ki 
the    ball    into   the    band,"    he    added. 
"  my     joy     would     have     b.-eii     un- 
alloyed." 

Tin-     episode,     !:• 

1  '.titish 

music  in   a   \  Ij    in- 

ing  wax  -  \\  xiin  Ki.i.  MI. 

who    was    much  and     im- 

.  I    by    1 1 

Zealand. -rs,     has     : 
m.  -morale    th-  in    u    s- 

uranil  symphonic  'itled 

"  From  the  Southern  (  ;       ."  in 

which   the   special   characterisi 

am  will  ! 
priate   musical   illustration  . 

contrapuntal  delineation  of  the 
into     the 

in    which    full  I    be 

given    to    all    the    ii 

ion. 

Tbe   tribute  of    Mi.    I  .    ilie 

emit!-  '  iiihst.    to    the 

'  ill  his 

work,   highly  -  •     mconveii- 

I'.oiin.  '    svin- 

phonic.-illy,    in    a    Iripl.  I,    the 

1        leibiiry     lamb 

froin 

•  ho  IIMV. 
fortu-  the    roiiL'h 


OCTOBER    1C,    1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


279 


si-«.nario  of  this  momentous  compo- 
sition confidently  declared  that  it 
will  surpass  in  monumental  gran- 
deur nnd  mellifluous  opulence  of 
local  colour  even  the  most  sublime 
iichi.  '\  fluents  that  have  yet  oma- 

tcil  from  the  teeming  brain  of  its 
lilicnomenally  gifted  creator.  Mr. 
BANTOCK,  who  is  his  own  librettist, 
conceives  the  hero  in  the  light  of  a 
modern  Canterbury  pilgrim,  uncon- 
scious of  its  doom,  gambolling  play- 
fully on  the  enamelled  pastures  until 
the  very  hour  of  execution.  The 
soprano  solo,  "  Maori  had  a  little 
lamb,"  is  of  bewitching  beauty, 
while  the  concluding  or  cold-storage 
section,  which  is  set  in  the  form  of 
a  moto  pcrpctuo  lasting  fifty  min- 
utes, is  marked  by  a  coruscating 
charm  unique  in  the  annals  of  the 

i'.-ii  -market.  Throughout  the  work 
there  runs,  like  an  idee  fixe,  a  haunt- 
ing phrase  assigned  to  a  solo  cornet, 
an  instrument  whose  exquisite  bleat- 
ing timbre  renders  it  peculiarly  suit- 
able in  this  context. 


Mr.  JOSEF  HOLBROOKE  has  also 
signalised  the  occasion  in  a  manner 
eminently  calculated  to  enhance  his 
high  reputation.  Taking  CHOPIN'S 
famous  etude  on  the  black  notes  as 
the  central  theme  of  his  work,  he 
has  woven  it  into  a  marvellously 
rich  and  complicated  orchestral 
tapestry  along  with  a  number  of 
topical  melodies,  including  "  Waltz 
me  round,  Willie,"  "The  Leather 
Bottel  " — the  nearest  approach  to  a 
football  in  musical  literature — and 
"  Thou'rt  passing  hence,  my  bro- 
ther." The  scoring  of  the  work  bids 
fair  to  establish  a  record  in  sonority, 
especial  prominence  being  given  to 
a  quartet  of  octoroons.  Mr.  HOL- 
BROOKE has  gone  to  the  Black  Forest 
to  give  the  last  touches  to  his  work, 
which  is  inscribed  to  Messrs.  MES- 
SENGER and  WRIGLEY,  two  leading 
members  of  the  New  Zealand  team, 
and  bears  the  expressive  title  "  The 
Scrummage :  an  Orchestral  Foot- 
ballad.". 

Next    to    the    visit    of    the    "  All 
Blacks  "  the  most  striking  feature  oi 
the  Leeds  Festival  has  been  the  sen- 
sation caused  by  Mr.  BEN  DAVIES'S 
wonderfully    witty    remark    to    the 
musical  critic  of  The  Daily  Chronicle. 
Mr.    BEX   DAVIES,   it   should   be  ex- 
plained, has  lately  taken  up  Diabolo 
which  he  describes  as  a  fine  exercise 
for  singers,  and  on  Wednesday  morn 
ing  last  he  gave  an  exhibition  of  his 
skill  before  a  small  gathering  of  in 
terested  friends.     "Years  ago,"  ob 
served  the  talented  tenor,   "  I  usec 


Austere  Aunt   "  COME,  HENRY,  SATAN  FINDS  SOME  MISCHIEF  CTII.L  FOH  IDLE  HANDS  TO  DO." 
Henry  (de*pairm<jly\  "  YF.S,  I  KNOW.      BIT  HE  'a  SUCH  A  LONO  TIME   FINDING  AST  TO-DAT. 

1  'M  TIBED  OF  WAITING   FOR   HIM."  . 


to  play  '  Fra  Diavolo.'  Now  I  play 
Fra  Diabolo."  "And  you  play,  it 
like  a  true  Advocates  Diaboli," 
promptly  responded  the  journalist, 
though  with  characteristic  modesty 
he  has  suppressed  his  sparkling  sally. 
In  this  context  we  may  note  that  Sir 
FREDERICK  BRIDGE,  famous  for  his 
musical  antiquarianism,  has  now 
conclusively  established  the  fact  that 
TABTIXI'S  famous  "  Trillo  del  Dia- 
volo "  was  inspired  by  the  game 
and  not  by  the  Prince  of  Darkness. 

"  Is  it  necessary  to  root-prune  at  all  ?  Some 
will  answer  No,  and  others  will  just  as  surely 
say  that  unless  trees  are  root-pruned  little  or 
no'  fruit  need  be  expected.  Both  opinions  may 
be  conscientiously  and  honestly  held."—  Pi ily 
Telegraph. 

WE  have  no  doubt  that  Mr. 
BALFOUR  greatly  appreciates  the  loyal 
support  which  Tfcfl  Daily  Telegraph 
always  gives  to  his  views. 


Diabolo  :  It«  Effect*  on  the  Weather. 
IT  is  reported  that  the  popular 
craze  has  invaded  the  Meteorological 
Department,  with  the  result  that 
cones  are  being  hoisted  at  signalling 
stations  all  round  the  coast. 

A  CONTEMPORARY  gives  a  list  of  the 
"  services "  in  which  the  London 
County  Council  is  engaged.  Among 
them  we  notice : 

"  DESTRUCTIVE  INSECTS," 
"  DROWNED  BODIES," 

"  ICE  CREAMS," 
"  DANGEROUS  TRADES." 

Now  we  know  who  puts  the  "  big 
blue  flies  in  the  butchers'  shops," 
and  the  small  ones  in  the  milk,  and 
the  arsenic  in  the  ices.  It 's  the 
L.C.C. 


WFIY  is  a  spool  when  it  spins  ?- 
Because  the  higher  the  fewer. 


1TNVH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON   CHAKIYARI. 


luit  taktn  a  tnlmun  Vein,   roc   CAN   uxrcn   A 

IM:  IT   in   TorB  vmr.v  -    »v'  WITH    .*AI.U<IN    AT  vui  k   MIU.IIV.* 
VP,  nur  'H  AI  i.  !  '' 


Bn 
i-ntsu,  IT 


OUR   "  LAST   NOVKI.  .   foM- 

ITION 

[Two  "  KirM  Novel  "  '  n»  have  been 

umonurcd   recently    and    an-    pxriting  niui-h 
iutemt  nnionp  young  author*.] 

\\'K    have    much    pleasure    in    an- 
nouncing u  "  Last   N-IM  •!  "  C<iin]>.-ti- 
tion.       \\Y  fed  tluit  in  doiny 
shall  !><•  nutking  n  vnluiihlo  cotitrihu- 
tiun   '  •lut  ion  «ii  |ii-n- 

lil.-iu.    iinil    sii|i|']\in^    n   loi 

•n». 


inuM    he   ac- 
(•i>iii|>iiiiif(l    l.v    n    sworn    <1 
that  it  rcalh 

the  author  will  write  or  yiv.-  liis  . 
name  to.       E:«-h  author  nui^t 


not  to  hegin   again  under 
another  ii 

•J.  Authors  not  caring  to  take  the 
troiihle  of  writing  a  new  novel  for 
this  competition  may  send  a  copy  of 
their  lust  puhlished  hook.  Hut  the 
declaration  H!MI\.-  ref.-rri-d  to  is  !ndin- 
We. 

The   production   of   plays   at    the 
to    face    the 

came!  'aiiee     (journalist 

otherwise)  nt  runaway  man 

thi     contrihution   of   a   serial    st' 

will    i  ;itica- 

• 

I     i  I  in  num- 

. 


til.'        lielU  T;»         ! 

their 
!  from  t  •  of  liteia- 

5.   P  •      iictuiilh 

•i.pcti- 
i.ut   will 
death, 

lule   : 
of  th 

.'I    Ill- 
final, 
entirely  at  his  m,  : 

\\  AII-S  ro  I;I:M  TV. 

rPftfoMor 
chief  of  the  I 
in    reconum-: 
ileclarea  that  it  u  as  lii-aUliful  n»   i.. 

Toll.       lio       : 

!    no    more. 


Raising  Mis; 

As  •  he  painful  oar. 

the  rac!  idle, 

e  the  motor  in  i;  - 

n  and  !i 
Take  to  cool. 

.  you  will  find  the  kitchen 
ing  rich  in 

ll.ailil    :il!.l    LT.I 

Ro  toiling, 

-sing.    lu. 

Brills  th 
Sunshine  mars  th 

With  a  course  and  freckled  tan; 
Would  you  hlush  in  full  ]>. 

Try,  oh.  try  the  frying-pan. 

Should  \i.  !o  find  your  ', 

'•'•ing  hig. 
Thau  it  ought, 

Nothing  fit' 
Hooks  n-fu--  •  .-aught  ; 

ly  exercise  \\ill  CU 
Set' 
' 
nvariabl 

Would    you    s  [    hands 

milky, 
Soft  and  silky. 

Or  | 

Kuh  tl, 

\\iih  \-  -,d  hot. 

Would  you  ha-  ''ing 

S]. 

It 

Ready  for  Anything. 

i.iilv  ; 


PUNCH,  OU  THE  LONDON  CIIAK1VAIM.     Oorom  K 


LLOYD-GEORGE  AND  HIS  DKAGON. 

LLOYD-GEORGE  (to  Welsh  Goat).  "BUTT  ME  XO   BITTS!     l.M    (i()IN<;    Fol!    HIM    A*  FAST  AS  I  CAN!" 
[Welsh  Nonconformists  are  vigorously  protesting  against  further  delay  in  the  promised  attack  upon  the  Ettablished  Church  in  W»!e*.] 


Ocroncn  16  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


883 


i 


TRIALS    OF    AN    M.    F.    H. 

M.  l'\  II.  (trlio  laoul  for  tlte  first  time  in  a  little  country  lie  lulu  taken  in  Ireland).  "IIou>  luuu,  TIM!     I 

LINE   DOWN   Till:   DITCH." 

7  V»l.   "  Om  !    BAD   LUC.K  TO   HIM.      A   DIVIL  OF  A   DOQ  FOR  A  BAT   HE   ALWAYS   WAS  !  " 


THAT  HOIND'S  GOT  A 


HOLIDAY  ENGAGEMENTS. 

["Now  that  the  holidays  are  drawing  to  u 
close  the  minor  jeweller*  will  om-e  more  hav<' 
to  consider  the  question  of  allowing  for  enffi^' 
incut  rings  no  longer  required." — Daily  Mirror .] 

HAIJK!     I   hear  the  postman  ringing, 

and  I  know  what  he  is  bringing; 

"Tis  a  tiny  postal  packet  which  is 

certain  to  appear 

When  the  leaves  are  tumbling  down- 
ward, anil  the  folk  returning 
town  ward, 

When  the  holidays  are  over  in  the 
falling  of  the  year. 

With  a  gentle  sigh  I  take  it,  eye  the 

sealing-wax  and  break  it, 
And     the     teiiderest    of    memories 

within  my  bosom  stir 
As  1  see  the  well-known  token  of  a 

troth  that  's  yearly  broken 
In    its    customary   fashion    coming 
back  to  mo  from  Her. 

ringlet,     I    remember    bow    I 
bought  you  one  September: 
Brighton  beach  was  warm  beiie:'th 
us,  and  the  sun  was  hot  above; 
Wo  had  met   and  talked  together — it 

was  really   ripping  weather,' 
And  the   season  when  one's  fancy 
simply  flics  to  thoughts  of  love. 


She  was  fairer  than  a  fairy,  and  she 

sweetly  blushed,  did  MARY, 
When  I  slipped  you  on  her  finger, 

inexpensive  little  ring; 
But    with    work-a-day    October    we 

grew  sensible  and  sober, 

And  the  postman  brought  you  back 

again,  long,  long  Iwfore  the  spring. 

Next  we  met  at  Inverary — She  was 

JKAXII-:  now,  not  MARY — 
She  'd  a  tammy,  I  remember,  and 

her  face  was  finely  tanned  ; 
She  'd  a  pretty  knack  of  flushing,  and 

I  thought  she  did  the  blushing 
Even  better  than  poor  MARY,  when 
1  came  to  ring  her  hand. 

For    a    month    you    were    to    linger, 

lucky  ringlet,  on  her  finger; 
But  with  Autumn  came  the  work- 
time,  and  the  holidays  were  e'er, 
So  my  .li.AX  went  home  to  Stirling, 
took  to  hockey,  golf,  and  curling, 
And  the  postman  called  fit  Christ- 
mas time  to  leave  you  at  my  door. 

When  I  met  Her  next,  I  fancy  She 
had  changed  her  name  to  NANV\  ; 
Twas  at  Lynton,   I  remember;   I 
hnd  run  down  for  a  blow; 


She   had   sisters — six  or  seven — and 

she  simply  hated  Devon  ; 
Till  I  came  there;  (so  she  hinted) 
it  was  deadly  dull  and   slow. 

Well,  although  she  was  no  beauty,   I 

resolved  to  do  my  duty, 
And    we    read    each    other's    palms 
and    told   our    fortunes    by    tin- 
cards; 
But  I  did  not  try  to  stop  her  when 

she  thought  it  only  proper 
To   let  urn   you    in    November   with 
her  very  kind  regards. 

Next  I  banded  you  to  FI.OHHIK — that 's 

the  year  I  went   tc.  Conie  ; 
Then  I  gave  you  to  AMAXMV  mi  the 

bn-e/y  pier  at    Hyde  ; 
Then    at    Scarborough    t.«    CAKRIK 

then  to  MAVD  at  Invergarry ; 

Then  toNKI.I.IK,  when  she  promised 

(like  the  rest)  to  be  my  bride. 

That  was  recently  at  Dover — but  the 

holidays  arc  over, 
And  I  'm  back  to  tape  and  sealing- 
wax  and  prosy,  humdrum  things, 
So  I  '11  leave  you  safely  sleeping  in 

my  Uncle's  kindly  keeping 
Till  the  Summer  sets  rne  dreaming 
once  again  of  love  and  rings. 


284 


1TNVH.   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ocroura  M  ' 


FIVE. 

I  IUVH  c-iudit  it  five  times.     HVh, 

i  word  to  anvliodv. 
* 

It    is    a    very    | 
Tin-  Homuns  <|i -no- 
"  V."      which      shows      what      tln-y 
thought  of  it.       Tin-  modern  s; 
has  the  merit  of  being  both  artistic 
ami  distinctive.        Turn  u   six   upside 
down  itiul  von  have  :i  nine,  hut 
is  always  a  the.      True,   if  von   «lra\v 
the   tan  at   tho  top  to  the   wi-st   in- 
stead of  to  the  oast,  von  have 
thing    perilously    like    it    three,    hut 
only   a   fool    would    l>e    so 
That,     indeed,     would     seem     t..     |.e 
another    merit    of    the    five     that    it 
I  out  the  fools.       A  fool  might 
do  anything   with   an   eight,    niul    it 
would   still   be   an   eight  :     unless   he 
put    it    sideways,    when   it    would    be- 

the  sign  for  infinity.      Hut  that 
is    Higher   Mathematics,   anil   \\ 
not   discussing    Higher    Mathematics 

ow  .        We  are   merely   Dinting 
out  that  I  have  caught  it  five  times. 
***** 

People  of  nil  classes  have  had  to 
reckon  with  the  five.  Nature  (to 
begin  at  the  top)  gave  us  five 
fingers  on  each  hand,  and  five  toes 
on  each  foot.  How  absurd  we, 

should    look     with    thr, r    eleven 

or    any    other    number!       I  lit  HARD' 

WlllTKIXCi    wrot"   .V«.    ,'5,   ./<>/!»    Sin  it,  \ 

and  ltri>YAKi>  Kii'i.iNU  wrote  Thr  Fire 
\(i/imi».  Ask  at  The  Times  Pook 
Club  for  \n.  /•',  Jolin  Street,  and  you 
would  surprise  them.  There  is  a 
Bailie  called  Hves,  and  a  French 
town  of  the  same  name  (although, 
of  course,  they  pronounce  it  differ- 
ently over  tin-re).  Then-  was  once  a 

roi ly    called     The    Fire    Hiillaiitx  : 

while  in  no  less  a  place  than  Vir- 
ginia is  a  town  called  Five  Fork;:. 
Von  didn't  know  that  (and  neither 
did  I  until  to-day),  but  it  is  there  all 
the  same.  Suppose  it  had  been 
called  Four  Forks  !  Why,  it  wouldn't 
have  been  the  same  place  at  all. 

I  don't  know  if  you  would  care  for 
any  more  instances.  If  so,  I  could 
add  that  the  French  (again)  have  an 
idiomatic  phrase,  "  Tho  five  o'clock," 
and  that  we,  for  our  part,  speak  of 
the  "  Cinque  Ports."  But,  of  course, 
all  I  really  want  to  say  is  that  I  have 

caught  it  five  times. 

***** 

I  think  five  in  my  favourite 
number.  If  I  were  married  I  should 
have  five  children.  That  always 
seems  to  tn>  :).••  ideal  number:  three 
boys  and  two  girls.  The  boys  would 
go  to  the  three  Royal  Colleges—- 
Eton, Winchester  and  Westminster; 
later  on,  there  would  be  onp  each  for 


Oxford,    ('ami  \riny. 

..    I    ihrnk.    to  have 

-    :it    home    l  their 

them. 

children  would  take  .Mime  keejii. 
should  want   the  thousand 

•   this  is  never  likely  to  happen 
M  my  imaginatio  while 

'•  ally   a  fact   that    I   have  caught 
it   five   til: 

***** 

It  i  what  an  influence  the 

number  five   has   had   on   my   caie.r. 
On  my  fifth  birthday  I  -nted 

with    a    mod.-l    mill:-eart    with    a    I.  al 
tap,  and  i!   was  tl:  <n  my  In- 

coming a  milkman  when   I   u'r.-w    up. 
(  As  it    happens   I   didn't  ;   hut 
times    1     fancy    thai     tie  :••    mu>t     !••• 
more  money   in  the  dairy   busi1 
Afterwards  I  got  a  fifth  in  my  Trip<  •• 
—  Or   should    have,    if   such    had 
available     and  was  in  ]o\e  the  tiun  s. 
..•MI-  my  top  score  was  the,  and 

at    the   present    moment    I    have   about 
five  hundred   1  write. 

-hould  have  said  before,   I  have 
just  caught  it  five  tin- 

***** 

(I  have  caught  it  five  times.)  I 
must  hide  it  in  brackets  once,  so  as 
not  to  seem  to  he  siding  about  it.  1 
have  caught  it  five  times,  and  that 
appears  to  me  to  be  the  right 
number.  Four  would  be  incompe- 
tence, six  ostentation.  There  arc 
those,  I  am  told,  who  have  done 
their  thousands.  I  cannot  see  much 
in  this.  Obviously  each  catch  makes 
the  next  one  easier.  You  have  your 
eye  iii,  and  can  judge  the  distance 
better.  Thus  the  eight  hundred  and 
eighty-fourth  (say)  becomes  a  ridicu- 
lous business:  a  man  cannot  waste 
his  time  over  such  childishness. 
There  are  other  things  to  do.  Hut 
it  is  an  amusing  game.  .  .  .  Can  I 
catch  it?  Certainly.  Ixx)k  —  one, 
two,  three,  four,  five  —  and  so  on. 

V<  s.    it    conies  quite  easv  to  me. 

***** 
Have    I    ever   tried    to  catch   it   six 
times?     I  will  be  frank  with  you.     1 
have.       And     failed?       And     failed. 
There  you  are  then. 

u-tly  ;  there  you  are.  Why  did 
I  fail;  Not  because  I  can't  catch 
the  thing,  for  I  have  already  shown 
you  that  I  can.  Obviously  we  must 
look  somewhere  else  for  the  rea-on. 
Six,  perhaps,  is  my  unlucky  number. 
I  don't  think  I  like  six.  The  name 
six  is  unpleasant;  and,  as  I  have 
already  pointed  out,  if  yon  turn  it 
:••  down  it  becomes  a  nine, 
which  is  very  muddling. 


is   my    favourite    number   that    I    am 
eight  it  the  tunes. 
|)nl    1    tell   you.    by    •  that 

I  had  caught   it  fh  • 

A.    A.    M. 


five!     I   like   five.     It  is  my 
favourite   number.     It    is   because  it 


A    VICTORIA    PLUM. 

IT    was    th'  first 

plum   that   had  come   to  tl,. 
full  and  splendid  plumb. «.|  ujio'i  that 
espalier.      1    watch.  >wth   with 

an   eye   t1  denial    in 

le.     It  v  -  d  plump, 

and  ; 

upon  it  in  such  a  striking  way.      Hut 
i;    hurts   me   to   recall   tin  se    tl 

It   hung 

•i     precautions     for    its 
•    'iisly  annoyed  tlv 
who    had    almost    brushed 
in  th-  •  I,  by 

'a   furious   but    fun 
her:  and   I  had  the  melancholy 

•Ig    the     doe     f,,r    tile 

sill ffeliee.  I  .riled     the 

gardener  that,  although  1  did  r.<  t 
wish  to  In-  offensive  iii  any  way. 
I  should  not  accept  his  pi.  :  of  wind 
or  birds  if  that  1'liiiu  iii  -api 
suddenly.  I  dreamed  of  that  I'liim 
of  nights,  and  it  u:  nt  to 

think  about  it  on  waking.      \Ve  called 
it  "  Warner  "  among  oursi  : 

i     then     one     morning,     whilst 
shaving,  I  glanced  fondly  through  the 
window    towards    it,    and    s 
thing  that    made  my   blood   run  cold. 

The  railway  line   runs  along   tl nd 

of  the  garden,  and  a  man  was  climb- 
ing the   fence.       He   Was   ill   corduroy.,. 
and    apparently    a   platelayer   by    pio- 
ii.       He  was  also  on.-  of  th. 
t    men   that    I    have   ever 
II. •     was    making    straight     for    that 
Plnm   .   .   . 

In  such  moments  a  mai. 
live  very   long,  and   has  the  power  of 
noticing   trivial    things'.      I    ivn, 
that    a    blackbird    was   trilling    in    the 
'i.      I   am   almost   certain   that   it 
was    a    blackbird.      Anyway,    it     wa, 
trilling.      Anil   my   nose   informed   mi; 
that  there  was  bacon  for  breakfast. 

These     things    came     back     to     me 
afterwards.      At    the   time    I    w., 
scions  only  of  that    platelav  .  r.        H. • 
'strode  up  to  the  Plum,  ai 
down  appeared  to  pick  it.      Hut   in   a 
moment   I  saw   that  he  had  only  tried 
its  softness  between  his  great   finger 
and  thumb.     And  he  was  not 
fied   with    its   ripeness.        1    saw    him 
--hake     bis     head     mrxxlily     and     turn 
away.     I   stood  as  (Hie  paralysed  until 
he    disappeared. 

Hut  as  soon  as  I  could  huddle  on 
clothes    I    rushed   down    to   tho 
Plum.      It  was  still  there;  but 


OCTOBER  16,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


B80 


"HOW'S    THAT  "-FOR    CRICKET    COSTUME? 

"THE   LATEST    NOVELTY   IN   CRICKET   TOCRS   IS  A  TEAM   OF  FlJIAN    PLAYERS,   WIIO  PROPOSE   VISITING    AcsTBAI.lt    DURING  THE  IOIIIM:   WINTER. 

.  .  .    THEY  WILL  BE   LED  BY  RATU   KADAIIU,  THE   REIONINO  CHIEF  OF  FIJI.  .  .  .    THE  FUIAXS  WILL  NOT  PLAY   is   <-(ISVI:NTKISAL  CIIK  KLT 
ATTIRE." — Daily  Mail. 


thing  of  its  fresh  virginal  glory  had 
departed,  never,  as  I  feared,  to  re- 
turn. Its  youthful  bloom  seemed  to 
have  been  brushed  rudely  off,  and  1 
even  fancied  that  I  could  trace  the 
murk  of  that  coarse,  sacrilegious 
thumb.  These  things  could  not 
make  it  less  dear  to  me,  but — break- 
fast was  almost  a  mockery  upon  that 
day. 

I  scarcely  knc\v  what  to  do  for  the 
best.  If  I  picked  that  Plum  before 
it  was  fully  ripe  it  would  be  a  partial 
victory  for  the  platelayer.  The 
matter  had  come  already  to  be  a 
personal  contest  between  us.  And  I 
had  set  rny  heart  upon  the  Plum  at- 
taining to  perfection  upon  the  tree. 

But  I  knew,  I  knew  that  the  plate- 
layer would  return,  and  it  was  not 
to  be  thought  of  that  the  last  and 
greatest  triumph  should  be  his. 

There  was,  of  course,  the  police. 
But  I  felt  that  they  could  not  help 
nir  here.  This  problem  was  too  vivid 
and  subtle  for  their  large-booted 
wits.  No,  it  must  be  fought  out 
between  myself  and  the  platelayer. 
When  I  say  "  fought  out  "  I  do  not 


wish  it  to  be  thought  that  I  contem- 
plated physical  violence.  I  arn, 
thank  God,  a  law-abiding  English- 
man. Besides,  the  creature  was 
twice  my  size  and  weight,  and  prob- 
ably in  perfect  condition.  No,  I 
meant  that  I  would  watch  and 
scheme,  and  match  my  keener  intel- 
lect against  the  grosser  material  of 
my  foe. 

He  came  again,  as  I  had  known 
that  he  would  come.  And  at  the 
same  hour.  I  watched  him  feel  the 
Plum,  and  shake  his  head  in  disap- 
pointment as  before.  It  maddened 
me  to  see  the  man  nursing,  as  it 
were,  the  Plum  to  perfection  for  his 
own  felonious  enjoyment.  I  tapped 
upon  the  glass,  and  shook  my  drawn 
razor  at  him  with  a  gesture  that 
should  have  petrified  him.  He  saw 
me,  grinned,  and  plucked  a  rose  be- 
fore he  scaled  the  fence. 

That  day,  as  I  remember  well,  was 
Wednesday.  I  calculated  that  the 
Plum  would  reach  its  prime  by 
Saturday  morning  at  earliest.  He 
would  surely  come  upon  that  day, 
this  fiendish  platelayer.  Well,  he 


should  find  his  passion  baulked.  1 
dared  run  no  risks.  Upon  the 
Friday  evening,  and  no  later,  I  my- 
self would  pluck  it. 

I  write  briefly  of  the  rest.  The 
hour  came,  and  through  the  scented 
twilight  I  wandered  forth  to  my  glad 
task.  All  nature  was  beautiful  around 
me.  It  was  not  even  raining  at  the 
moment.  But — how  shall  I  pen  the 
words? — the  Plum  was  missing! 

A  faint  sound  as  of  smacked  lips, 
expressive  of  barbarous  content, 
broke  tho  tragic  silence.  I  turne  1 
a  haggard  face  to  the  paling,  and  for 
the  first  time  descried  a  huge,  in- 
determinable figure  seated  upon  it. 
It  raised  an  arm  to  throw,  and  some 
missile  struck  me.  Then  the  figure 
disappeared . 

I  was  alone  with  the  night  and  a 
plum-stone. 

"  The  girl  who  is  alleged  to  have  adjusted  a 
child  from  the  rare  of  its  guardian  at  Cheater, 
has  been  arrested  in  London.  The  child  was 
with  her  at  the  time." — Evening  Neirs. 

WE  are  glad  to  learn,  from  the  last 
sentence,  that  at  any  rate  you  can't 
be  adbusted  from  a  distance. 


PUNCH,  OK  T1IK   LONDON   niAKIV.MU. 


AS    EVERYBODY    LIKES    IT. 

Tin:  iv  \i\al  /(   at 

-   a    fn  sh    tiiiiiii|>li 

-e.    us    ti 

•     -       I,.:  i        "     J.llll.i 

\\itli   Figures."  kin-\v    I 

;  the  fiv 

liow  t ;  .   it .     Tlif 

.  roof  "f  tli.-:r  ipialin    lay  in  the 

other  indiscretion  did  they  il 
the  charm  of  their  background. 
the  i  t.-\t  was  admirably 

selected.  Hint  the  int>vitalili>  banality 
«t  the  Jili.t   was  made  as   ui.oht: 
as  might  lie. 

The  i-hief  burden  of  tin-  actim;  f«-ll 
ii|>on  Miss  I.n.v  linu 
lind,  and  she  carried  it  with  sii|>erl> 
vivacity.  It  was  a  pleasant  relief  to 
<-r  in  a  part  in  which  she  had 
not  to  take  herself  to<>  seriously,  hut 
could  give  the  well-known  frown  a 
rest.  I  don't  know  whether  it  is  the 
effect  of  his  experience  .if  melo- 
dramatic methods,  hut  I  found  Mr. 
HKNKY  AIM.KY  as  Orlmnlo  not  <piite 
in  the  Shakspearean  picture.  He 
s|xike  many  of  his  words  like  a  rapid 
recitation.  Of  the  other  charm  t.-rs. 
••ill  relatively  minor,  the  Old  Adnni  ..f 
Mr.  AI.KKKD  HKYDONK  was  quite  the 
best  detached  performance.  I  could 
have  wished  that  the  Fir*/  Ltnd  De- 
partment of  Woods  and  l-'orestsi  had 
had  more  to  say:  for  Mr.  Fisin.it 
WHITE,  who  had  got  himself  up  after 
the  similitude  of  Mr.  HF.KNAKD  SHAW, 
delivered  his  one  speech  about  the 
wounded  deer  with  extraordinary 
felicity  of  manner,  appearing  to  think 
it  out  as  he  went  along. 

As  Jaqnrx,  Mr.  OSCAR  ASHIK 
achieved  the  same  effect  in  a  more 
difficult  part,  being  hampered  by  the 
greater  familiarity  of  his  words'.  In 
throwing  off  "  All  the  world 
stage  "  Tie  had  to  seek  the  assistance 
of  an  apple,  which  he  munched  be- 
tween the  ages.  Ho  pointed  his 
humour  as  if  the  mutter  of  it 
a  fr.-sh  thing  to  his  audience;  and 
he  was  certainly  justified  of  this 
assumption  by  the  spontaneous 
laughter  of  certn  :  -is  of  the 

house.      Mr.    Coriuni.    1'orvi,- 
the  other  hand,  in  his  pleasant  r>  ad- 
ing    of    Touclistonr,    did    not    insist 
much   on    the   clown's    humour,    but 
seemed  to  take  tl  tion  of  it 

' 

'    MhWKl.l,,     it     WHS 
rible.      You  might  know  nil  hi  r 
few  words  by  heart,   a):.!    \.-t    he  help 

lessly  at  the  •  f  i,-.    and 

voice    and    gesture.      She    di.i 


simp  vely   illu- 

ist  mention  Mr.  TKUT 
.it    that    i-   often 

rating 

gallant     courtier,     without      the 

p.-du:  '     i.  Mlogi-tluT. 

and     :  :  .itinu 

Ton,-;  • 

,i'id     the     two     anonMiioiis 
pages,    the    play    v.  much    As 

It.  (I.    S. 


I.IKFI«    IT. 


•J.     As    I'Ki   IMi"    1  Iklli    IT. 

.  .  Mr.  11,-rli-rt  II.  II, 
.  .  Mr.  Ht-nry  Ainley. 

ixtrling  I'ttrrespondeiit  sends  me 
the  following  note  on  the  jilny  : 

"  Mind  you,  jiarts  of  it  are 

I  like  the  girls  and  the  scenery  : 

//ic;/  ><•  all  right.      Hut   I  jib  at  the 

re    me    a    (air   contest. 

and  down  with  all  put-up  jobs,   I 

And   the   wrestling  in  this  play   is   :> 

put-up     job     e\.r\      tin.e.         Orlnnln 

niu«t     win,     as     e\.  ry     student     of 

SIMKSI-I  M:I:      '.i    .v  I,      or     it      would 

spoil    the    whole    sl.ow.       I    kllOW    n]i- 

all    against    him    until 

the  M-ry  .   a   friend  who 

Be  thi-  play  at    His 

Majesty's  the  other  iii^-ht  otieivd  im- 

tivi-    ;  I  i 

t  knowii,.  ni,t  a  si 

of     SiivK.-ri  \ui      I     didn't     think     it 

;iy    to   take   him   on.        H- 

-    that    In-   never   thought    a 
writer   like    Sn  \KSI-I  \ui.    \\,,uld 


ich   a   low   trick.         ^  .-t 
,     that      he     might      have 
• 
nlxiiit    it    from    the    way    ('. 

when    tb' 

'I  the  time  ii ^11  ii ij  In  be  caught 
h.  .M  .  '  i, at   a 

man   v.  h" 

'.•    \\ith    hair  of   that 

!'!•  Miibt      tb:<t      ^IMK- 

s|'I.M.' 

attracti'.  (•ublic 

if    1 1 ,  • 
•talT  • 

' 
would    c- 

'iLuL'S     fl.) 
of  the  profi  ssjon.       Sll  \i  I.eine 

thing  : 

but    if    Osi  ut  ailapt 

thi-    play    while    he    is    sh 

'ug    so    as    to    all-  inline 

!         k  him 

>  all  that  has  to  l.e  done 

is    to    write    a    f.'\\    extra    liin  s    to   be 

g  man  w 

For    instance.     suppo--iii'.' 
is  diiwiH-d    by    I'liurlrx.      I.et    him    lie 
(Mi    his   elbow    ai-,|  i    bit,    and 

then  talk  like  this  : 

Kolllli  My  lin-k 

S,,.  IK,«-  my  I  '  M(  ! 

Ha!    lima     i 

1 1  say 

Tluit  limn  i\ 

Tlicn  1  will  tliri>\v  tlni-  till  thy  hulli-t  I,. 
I'inrring  llie  oarth,  slmll  ilii;  lliw  half  thy  grave. 

Then    ('limit'*    should    smile    a    bit 
nior.  i y  : 

litlli'  |.l:i\mati-.  li-l  mi-  luy  with  i! 

.•I  I  »i!l  liri-ak  tliy  m-  -k. 
.1  ifiil  slip,  lint  romlrr  is  a  - 
my  throat!  Como,  tliiilior  !ft  us  go. 

Well,    let    them    go   off,    with    the 
bogus  />»/.(,  tin-  tills,  and  the  whole 

•party,    leaving    Ttturl 
hind.        You  remember  the  seine  in 
Stronglicnrt,     in     which     n 
match     '  off  '     is     described.       Well. 
let     Tmirlixliiiii-    do     s, 'in. thing     like 
that.      Let   him  skip  up  on  the   wall, 
whi-r  r,  and  ji 

the     aiidi-  w     musi<-,     all 

about      tl  e,      while 

Orlni.  -inoking   n 

ipiiet  ;ln-r  in  the  v 

.    hi-    \\oulil    make   oiit    that 
Orliindit  hail   finished   Clmrli .-   up  ab- 
solutely, aiii'i  then  the  play  could  go 
wrote  it.      1  > 

MI     \-i  m:    would    only 
my   tip,   he  could   "  n.l    a    para- 

:nd    to    the     | 
that   .1-   1 

eiieil    up   with    iii  u    In.  'id    it 

would  go  like  a   1 1. -i  i.;.    \\  in] 


OCTOBER  10,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


287 


Colonel  Sliek-irry  (to  fair  nciylibour.)  "TuEitE  I  LAY  HELPLESS,  THE  BEAST  COMING  AT  ME,  TAIL  WAVISO,  EVES  BUBXINO,  WHITE  TECTIJ 

VICIOUSLY   DISPLAYED " 

Charlie  LigJuhj.  "  AWFUL,  THAT  KIND  OF  NIGHTMARE,  ISS'T  IT,  COLOKEL ?    I '11  SOMETIMES  TROUBLED  THAT  WAY  MYSELF." 


EPIGRAMS  WITH  TEARS. 

MRS.  RYLEY  was  in  a  daring  mood 
when  she  wrote  The  Sugar  Boivl. 
Situ  crammed  it  full  of  epigrams, 
although  she  must  have  known  that 
nn  epigram  was  a  very  dangerous 
thing.  It  is  dangerous  because 
Ihriv  arc  no  half-measures  about 
it :  it  is  either  a  brilliant  success 
or  a  hopeless  failure.  You  can- 
in  >t  pass  it  off  as  an  accident.  It 
is  like  a  boomerang,  which  (as  I  am 
told),  on  missing  the  other  man, 
cninr;.  back  and  hits  you.  When  I 
hear  an  epigram  in  a  theatre  I  say 
either  "  Ha,  ha,"  or  "  Oh  lord."  At 
the  Queen's  I  mostly  said  "  Oh  lord." 
Once,  indeed,  when  Lady  Andover 
had  three  shots  at  being  funny,  and 
then  said  "  Seriously  though,"  I 
nearly  cried. 

While  I  was  keeping  back  my  tears 
on  this  side  the  footlights,  on  the 
oilier  side  no  such  restraint  was 
shown.  When  I  used  to  write  un- 
published stories,  and  found  myself 
(as  often  happened)  at  a  loss  for 
something  to  say,  I  would  make  my 
heroine  burst  into  a  flood  of  tears. 
After  that  one  could  begin  again  in  a 
new  place.  But  I  always  regarded 
the  Hood  of  tears  business  as  a  con- 
vention, to  be  used  at  need  in 
masculine  fiction,  but  not  to  be 
expected  in  real  life.  Now  comes 
Mrs.  RYLEY,  who  should  know  her 


own  sex,  to  say  that  I  builded  better 
than  I  knew ;  that  women  do  indeed 
do  this  thing.  Well,  it  may  be  so, 
but  it  is  possible  to  overdo  real  life 
in  the  theatre.  As  it  was,  I  was  in 
an  agony  of  apprehension  whenever 
Miss  Pcmberton  was  on  the  stage. 

Miss  ELLIS  JEFFREYS  looked  as  de- 
lightful as  ever,  and  did  what  she 
could  with  the  part  of  Grace  Pcmbcr- 
tmi.  When  I  last  saw  her  (at  the 
Ifaynmrkct)  she  had  to  say,  "  He- 
cause — I — ask  you  "  to  some  inquisi- 
tive man;  this  time  she  has  to  say, 
"  Because — you — are  you."  Some 
people  have  all  the  luck. 

Mr.  FRED  KERR  wore  a  wonderful 
pair  of  evening  socks  in  the  first  Act. 
He  wore  a  similar  pair  in  the  third 
Act,  four  weeks  later,  and  I  spent 
the  rest  of  the  evening  trying  to  work 
out  whether  they  really  would  be 
back  from  the  wash  then,  or  whether 
he  had  another  pair  just  like  them. 
I  forget  what  result  I  arrived  at,  and 
it  doesn't  matter.  Nothing  in  The 
Sugar  Bowl  matters  very  much.  M. 

A  REAL  MIMI. 

THE  feature  of  the  week  at  Covent 
Garden  was  the  performance  of 
Signora  GIACHKTTI  in  La  Boheme. 
It  was  her  first  appearance  in  Eng- 
land in  the  part  of  Mimi,  and  nobody 
who  did  not  know  that  she  won  an 
early  reputation  elsewhere  in  this  part 


would  have  guessed  that  the  greatest 
of  our  operatic  tragediennes  could 
have  so  wonderfully  adapted  herself 
to  the  ingenuous  gaiety  of  the  first 
two  Acts.  There  was  the  same  fine 
intelligence,  the  same  conscientious 
regard  for  detail  which  have  grown 
familiar  to  us  in  her  interpret  at  inn 
of  Madama  Butterfly  and  La  Tum-n. 
It  was  a  revelation  to  those  who  Imd 
heard  none  but  Madame  MI.I.I  \  in 
this  part,  and  had  therefore  never 
soon  Mimi  really  aclrd.  The  death- 
scene,  for  the  pathos  of  which,  us  far 
as  Mimi  is  concerned,  we  have  al\\  ays 
had  to  rely  upon  our  own  ima 
tions,  made  for  once  a  true  appeal 
from  the  very  heart  of  tragedy. 

Signer  BASSI'S  voice  rose  tn  the 
occasion,  and  he  seemed  to  take  quite 
an  interest  in  some  of  the  other  cha- 
racters— though  not  to  the  extent  of 
wearing  clothes  in  keeping  with  his 
environment.  His  frock-coat  must 
have  been  far  too  expensive  for  the 
starving  fraternity  to  which  lie  he- 
longed.  Signer  DE  LUCA,  as  Marcello, 
was  much  nearer  to  the  type. 
Mile.  DERKYNE  was  a  very  probable 
Musetta,  and  did  her  fair  share  in 
the  brilliant  ensemble  of  the  Second 
Act.  As  Schaunard,  SIONOR  NIOL.\V 
who  is  lacking  in  fertility  of  resource, 
seemed  a  little  outclassed  in  this 
Bohemian  society,  from  which  wo 
sadly  missed  the  masterly  rotundity 
of  M,  GILIBERT, 


L     * 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I 


OUR 

Mr. 

MK.  Mv 

. 
those  wii. 

M  vviiirss'  IL 


BOOKING-OFFICE. 

novel, 

S)    for   tlioM-    who 

•lit    to   live 


1    am   iifraid   thar  n   will   fnul    H«ln  ini<i   in 

•  M'  II  M.I.)  a  I                      .      Tli.-  I 

i.lliru    I:  •  :iny   iloulit 

!l    rcltlly     >  'III'    SaVagO 

Cluli    inn)    similar    circl-'s,    just     a-,  ..).     before 

dollar..!     V  ••   tiling   to 

sojourn    tli                  i-at  wish                                  i    a   rather 


"  and  for  nolxxlp  <  .•    companionship,    m'.<)    one    embarks    Impi -fully, 

pleased    with    Mr.     I 


is  the  do,-t..r.     1  f  Mr. 

i   liherately 


mislead;!::.      M  ;;   at    t! 

•::  it  in  eager  nut 
'iirut i«>n  <•:  .<-k   HiKin,   th-  .    ;         >T,    \\ill 


:.-Iie,ion   dealt    with 


putting 


i  |  ;;1|!y    i,n  .    that    the 


which    he    is    clothing    \\ili  irh    of 

:e  is,  after  all,  (|iiite  familiar.      '  if  one 

considers  a   ni"lnelit,   that    there   are   studios   in   Chelsea 
'y  equipped  with  artists'  models,  and  that    • 


lie  |  !•  rides   Mr.   M  \\ 

g  amok  nt  the  profession  of  medicine.  The 
ex|«'rience  of  most  people  p-vcals  in  its  ranks  the 
•i  of  generous  habit,  not  insensible  to  tin- 
attraction  of  a  fat  fee.  hut  rertdy  painstakingly  to  do  their 
duty  in  cases  where  they  know  the  (>•• 
will  not  be  fort  In ling.  With  the  occa- 
sional exception  of  actors,  doctors  are 
the  only  skilled  practitioners  who  are 
ready  to  give  then  I  for  nothing. 

Mr.  M\ \RTENS  finds  in  them  a  clique  of 
arrant  impostors,  for  the  most  part  jubi- 
lantly conscious  of  their  infirmity.  Pro- 
bably when  he  sat  down  to  his  work  lie 
thought  he  had  a  story  to  tell,  or,  fail- 
ing actual  possession,  that  it  would 
daw  n  u|>on  him  as  lie  proceeded.  So  he 
prattles  on  from  chapter  to  chapter, 
getting  hut  little  "  forrarder."  Neverthe- 

:he  chatter  is  pleasant,  and  se  . 
of  the  characters  are  finely  drawn,  espe- 
cially the  severed  husband  and  wife,  who 
recroBB  each  other's  path  at  intervals, 
and  conversi'  as  if  there  had  been  no 
tragedy  in  their  married  life. 

Misa  J.  L.  HERBEBTSON  has  written  a 
book  so  tempestuous  that  on  shutting 
it  up  I  half  fancied  that  the  nice  gilt 
windmills,  which  Mr.  HI.INKMAXN  stamps 
the  cover,  were  going  round 


df,   iinaijinairc    or   other-    freijiiciitly  .-p.-r.d  th.  ir  shilling's  in  S. 


their 


- 


THE  RESTORED  VENUS  OF  MHO. 

Tin:  I' 


:l   all  Mr. 
•s   to.      'I  to  1 

a   vague  population    of   hungry    youm:    men    who 
".d  find  sustenance  in  \isioiis  of  tl 

and  the  future,  but  personally  1  don't  find  that  th.  n 
part  in  the  s.-heine  ini|ios,.s  its. -If  (,n  my 
credulity.  I  susjiect  there  are  not 
enough  of  them  in  London  t.i  malie  imieh 
of  a  show  among  I  with- 

out   prejudice    to    their    genius,     would 
rather    have    a    pork -pie    than    ten    sun- 


iSi//ri'<i  LnnU  \\ .:  '       '• 

girl  who  lived  in  the  Isle  of  Wight  with 
arly- Victorian  mamma.     If  she  had 

renli/ed    that    sh'     • 

to  the  I're-id'-nt  of  an    '' 

The    I'riviitrrra   |Mi:n: 

have  been  wri'  i  not  (it  's 

a   wi-  that    knows   her  own   uncle 

— in     sensational     fiction),     and     .1 

,.-<  ,   American   hustler  and  million- 
aire,   did.      He    came 
engaged  t"  h.-r  in  a  fortnight.     Another 
two  days  and  she  would   !  u  his 

wife,  when,  gee-whix,  enter  ))'I/M>M 
Rudfieick.  Aim -riean  miliionaire  number 
two,  and  kidnaps  her  in  his  yacht.  This 
is  where  Lit  iih  n, nit  KtnuJte,  l!.\.. 
comes  in.  He  is  as  ignorant  as  NI//I-M 


on    the    cover,    were    going    round    and 

round.       Mortal    Man    is    the   story   of   a    fierce   spend-  1  of  the  real  issue,  but  for  motives  of  his  own  j. 

thrift   passion    that    defies    tho    social   conventions,    and    dyrc  in  the  bewildering  game  of  fox-and-hounds  which 

all     for     a     mistake.      Jitmirn     Cottello     gives     herself    follows.     Sometimes   the    hounds    hunt    the    fo\,    s. 


to  PlnUfi  Id  mi  without  the  ceremony  of  marriage, 
because,  loving  him,  and  seeing  how  he  wrestles 
with  his  passion  for  her,  she  concludes  that  he 
is  bound  to  another  woman.  In  reality  it  was  the 
doubt  as  to  whether  their  love  would  last  that  held  him 
back.  And  so  th-n-  is  a  shadow  between  them.  The 


times  the  fox  the  hounds,   and  son  bhej    all  sit 

down  and  pow-wow   tog.-ther.  as  friendly  as  • 
Once  on  board  the  lugger  and  the  girl  is  mine,  thinks 
/•'nn/iy.  Me  gets  I  '  .  ix  his  for  the  time, 

till   a  turn  of  Fortune's    wheel.  !    by    An 

cutene.-s,  lowers  the  proud,  and  Rudawick  comes  out  on 


tumult  of  emotions  in  tin-  young  school-teacher  is  power-  (,,p.  ;,n,|  goon,  </"  <M/»'.    Through  it  all  tin-  1                  ilish 

fully   if  rather   incoherently  portrayed;   and    tin;   writer  officer  is  tin-  only  one   who  always   plays  cri 

;  ..Idly  forsaken  precedent  in  giving  /'/M'/I'/I  an  almost  proves  to  be  cuter  than  th.   cute.     Th.   others  p 

ly  uncouth  personality.      All  this  h                   .wn  and    ]•••'                 hi.-lly    bluff.        Mr.     II.     li.     MAKIUOTT 

in  Cornwall,  where  the  wildness  of  the  elements  so  often  \V\is, .s's  story  of  the  thivi   cornered  duel  is  often  wildly 

.terfused  (in  novels)  with  the  human  passions,  impossible,  but  it  is  always  cxhilanr 

and    where    characters,     affected     by     the    neighbouring  _______________ 

conditions  of   '  i\-  be  said  to  live  the   Hardy 

plel'lifc.       In   the  end    I'ltili,,   dies, 

and  •/                                              :•  child,  main,  s  a  more  honest  .    "   "'''*  '' 

man,  who  h»                   ilting  all  along.      I   am  not  <|iiitc  C),.  (  XXXN'III. 

how    far    M.                                                          ,   justify    her  ..T(ir  „                              ,,^h  a  liitl.                                      >(h»  down 
heroine.                                          ,Uum  <i> 

of  the  child   and   the   introduction   of   Mitltluir    liii/iliij  iliinjj,  mill. 

to  shelve  the  nl,l  unhappy  problem  on.  •«  name  other  paper.) 


OCTOBER  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


L'-.l 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE    scheme    for    the    erection 


of 


Paris  in  London  "  on  the  Aldwych 
site  has  fallen  through,  and  Sir 
EDWIN  CORNWALL  suggests  that  tho 
real  cause  of  this  is  the  adjacence  of 
the  Church  of  St.  Mary-le-Strand. 
For  ourselves  we  must  respectfully 
refuse  to  believe  that  French  anti- 
clerical feeling  goes  so  far  as  this. 

The  proprietors  of  a  Crematorium 
at  Golders  Green  are  now  advertising 
extensively,  but,  in  spite  of  the  allur- 
ing statement,  "Only  thirty-five 
minutes'  drive  from  Oxford  Circus," 
we  doubt  whether  cremation  will  ever 
successfully  compete  with  Bridge  as 
a  popular  pastime. 

The  Society  for 
Promoting  Chris- 
tian Knowledge  an- 
nounces the  publi- 
cation of  "  Tur- 
bines," by  En- 
gineer -  Commander 
A.  E.  TOMPKINS, 
R.N.  One  wonders 
what  the  Religious 
Tract  Society  and 
the  Society  of  Bib- 
1  i  c  a  1  Archaiology 
were  doing  to  let 
this  work  slip 
through  their 
fingers. 

V 

The  Letters  of 
Queen  Victoria  is 
proving  such  a  suc- 
cess as  to  point 
to  an  unmistakable 
demand  by  the 
public  for  works  of 
a  biograph  ical 
nature,  and  Mr. 
HALL  CAINE,  JUN.,  the  alert  son  of  an 
alert  father,  announces  that  he  has 
persuaded  Mrs.  EDNA  MAY  TITUS 
LEWISOHN  to  write  her  auiobio- 
graphy,  which  he  will  publish. 

A  hill  in  Central  France  has  sud- 
denly started  moving,  and  has  al- 
ready covered  a  distance  of  984 
yards.  Apparently  something  similar 
happened  in  London  the  other  day, 

_      it i:_*       "      T>nA*3 


as   his   address   the   London   County 
Asylum,  Bexley,  Kent.       Comment 

would  be  superfluous. 

*  * 

Unhappily  the  decline  in  church 
attendance  continues.  We  cannot 
help  thinking  that  this  is  due  to  a 
large  extent  to  the  enterprise  of  our 
newspapers.  Most  of  these  now  pub- 
lish illustrated  fashion  articles,  and  it 
is  no  longer  necessary  to  attend 
divine  worship  in  order  to  see  the 
latest  thing  in  hats  and  frocks. 


V 


Because  a  fortune-teller  prophesied 
that  their  son  would  one  day  be  a 
great  poet,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  OLIVER 
BROWNE,  of  Trenton,  New  Jersey, 
have  christened  the  child  LONG- 
FELLOW MILTON  TENNYSON  Bnixs 


With  a  view  to  gaining  tho  custom 
of  those  persons  who  do  not  e;. 
dress  for  dinner,  the  proprietor  of 
one  of  our  best-known  restaurants  is 
said  to  be  contemplating  the  addition 
of  an  Adams  Room  to  his  establish- 
ment. 


The 


V 

sentence    of 


imprisonment 


passed  on  two  members  of  the  Me- 
tropolitan Police  Force  for  burglary 
has  given  the  keenest  satisfaction  to 


all     bond-fide     house-breakers, 
lave  been  much  cxer<  ly  at 

the  increasing  number  of  amati  nrs 
who  poach  on  their  preserves  —  as 
the  result,  it  is  thought,  of  such 
pernicious  plays  as  Kaffles. 

"  Concerning  cohesion  between  par- 
ticles of  matter  wo 
are,"  according  to 
Sir  OLIVER  LODGE, 
"exceedingly  igno- 
rant; and  why  one 
end  of  a  stirk  r 
uhen  the  other  end 
is  touched  no  onq 
at  present  is  al>li> 
clearly  to  tell  us.'' 
It  remains  an 
equally  inexplicable 
mystery  why,  \\heii 
one  end  of  a  mail 
is  trodden  on,  the 
other  end  shouts. 


THE    ARROGANCE    OF    WEALTH. 


for  we  came  across  the  notice 
stopped." 


"  What 
judge  at 
week. 


*  * 


Boad 


the 


is    ix    quid?  "    asked 
Clerkeuwell     Court 
It    is    amusing    to    see    a 


last 


County   Court   judge   giving   himself 
the  airs  of  a  High  Court  judge. 


V 


One  of  the  winners  in  a  Limerick 
Competition  last  week  frankly  gave 


BROWNING  BROWNE.  We  shall  look 
forward  anyhow  to  seeing  Master 
BROWNE'S  name  among  the  winners 
in  Limerick  competitions. 


V 


Mr.  ARCHIBALD  MOFFETT,  we  are 
informed  by  The  Daily  Express,  has 
written  his  name  on  one  side  of  a 
grain  of  rice,  and  his  address  on  the 
other.  In  these  days  of  frequent 

burglaries  one  cannot  be  too  careful. 

*  * 

The  Commissioners  of  Inland  Re- 
venue have  received  a  sum  of  £1  15s. 
on  account  of  unpaid  income-tax 
from  a  gentleman  who  signs  himself 
"  Well-wisher."  This  is  believed  to 
be  the  first  instance  of  anyone  having 
wished  tax-collectors  well,  and  we 
understand  that  some  of  the  Com- 
missioners were  visibly  affected  by 
the  incident. 


it   is   little 


Fashion  Notes. 

"  Further  on  in  the 
RIII  10  row  was  Lady  K.V. 
and  l.-uly  C.,  tlie  latter 
wearing  a  lo:ig  sealskin 
paletot  over  a  rose  red 
hat."— Daily  Mail. 

LADY   C.   appears 
to  be   muddling  up 
the  paletot  with  tho 
en    tout  cat.        Yet 
things   like   these    which 


make  all  tho  difference  to  a  really 
well-dressed  woman. 


From  a  Commercial  Card. 

"  Messieurs  Jes  Fils  do  M .1  —  .  Manu- 
factured of  Olive  Oil  and  Soap." 

WE  trust  the  firm  will  find  that  th- 
course  of  true  commerce  rims  fairly 
smooth  with  these  living  lubriennts. 

Lumping  Notes. 

SOME  idea  of  what  a  "  lumper  "  is 
may  be  gathered  from  the  following : 
"John  B.,  lumper,  fell  into  flip  hold  of  the 
coal  steamer  John  Johnasson  during  mil 
operations  yesterday.  At  the  Torbny  Hospital 
it  was  found  that  his  injuries  were  not  wriou*. 
The  steamer  will  probably  be  taken  to  IMymouth 
for  repairs." — Watern  Morning  .Yrir.i. 


however,  is  that 
John    Johnasson     is    not    really 


Our  own  opinion. 


steamer  at  all,  but  another  lumper 
disguised  as  a  steamer. 


PUNCH,  OK  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  L>3,  1907. 


THE    NATION'S    SONGS. 

[From  •  Press  mt<  :  -n  tlial  before  the  end 

of  October  it  will  bo  derided,  after  severe  tiwts,  what   HI  n. 
likely  to  command  popularity  in  the  Christmas  \\.  » 

of  those  that  are  praeli.-ally  t  i-rt.im  to  secure  n  tufir  fait  art-  ;\i-|  Niclol. 
and  (ram  tbeae  ire  coll  tfie  following  jeu  d'etprtf  iu  tlu>  pliil.-  > 
rein :  - 
"  \\V  all  came  in  the  world  with  nothing     no  rlotlioo  t  • 

\\  I..TI  we  die,  just  bear  iu  mind,  all  our  money  w<>  hh;i!l 

Km  mli  up!     Just  the  Mine  a*  we  began,  without  the  slightest  doubt 

We  all  came  in  the  world  with  nothing — 

And  we  can't  take  anything  out."] 

Ir  in  my  heart,  that  is  not  dead  but  slum! 

I  dream  remembrance  i.f  a   \mith   well  spent, 
And,  stirred  by  throats  of  coloured  Christmas  "numbers". 

(Due  with  the  falling  leaf),  from  far  1  scent 
That  time  of  hallowed  joy, 

With  feelings  more  appropriate  to  a  boy; — 

If,  in  my  passion  for  tin-  genial  sens' .n. 

So  strangely  redolent  of  syne  (auld  lung), 
I  deprecate,  as  tantamount  to  treason, 

The  conduct  of  the  cynic  bard  who  sang : 
"  Christmas,  I  'm  told,  is  near;  " 

Adding,  "Bear  upl  it  comes  but  once  a  year!  '' — 

Tis  not,  as  you  will  readily  imagine, 
That  I,  by  rude  dyspepsia  rendered  wise, 

Am  deadly  keen,  as  once.  I  was,  to  cadge  in 
The  larder-cupboard  after  Christmas  pics, 

Or  stretch  my  tumid  jowl 
With  stuffing  taken  from  thu  turkey-fowl; — 

'Tis  not  that  I  have  failed  to  see  tin-  folly 
Of  mimic  battles  fought  with  melting  snow; 

Not  that  I  care,  on  principle,  for  holly, 
Or  have  a  morbid  taste  for  mistletoe; 

Or  feel  profound  delight 
To  hear  A  Christmas  Carol  read  at  night; — 

Not  that  I  yearn  to  quaff  the  wassail  flagon, 

Or  suffer  tedious  after-dinner  toasts, 
Or  filch  the  fiery  raisin  from  the  dragon, 

Or  wear  a  counterpane  and  play  at  ghosts, 
Or  sing  some  rotten  glee 

(Bridge  being  always  good  enough  for  me). 

No  1  what  intrigues  me  in  our  Christmas  fcstas, 
And  has  attractions  which  can  never  die, 

Renewed  with   living  flame   like  virgin   Vesta's — 
It  is  the  Muse  whose  thoughts  do  often  lie 

Almost  too  deep  for  rhyme ; 
I  mean  the  sacred  Muse  of  Pantomime. 

Think  you  the  bloom  of  Lyric  Verse  is  blighted?    - 
That  it  remains  a  drug  upon  the  mart.' 

Look  at  my  preface;  see  the  lines  I  'vo  cited; 
And  little  will  you  wonder  how  a  heart 

Even  as  old  as  mine 
Can  warm  itself  before  that  spark  divine  I 

Ah,  yes,  when  NoeTs  other  orgies  tire  ir 

When   hunt-the-slipper   irks   and   mince-pies   pall, 
The  Songs  of  Pantomime  can  still  inspire  me 
With  the  old  rapture  never  past  recall, 

While  I  have  strength  to  Fit 
And  worship  at  the  shrine  of  English  wit. 

O.  S. 


TIIK  Office  boy  writes:  — 

"GENTLEMEN,  — Mr.  P.I.VXK  lias  to-day  sampled  the  cask 
of  beer  which  you  sent  UK  for  inspection,  mid  is  now 
lying  in  our  warehouse  for  collection.'! 


"T.    P.'S"    FUTURE. 

KOUW  1  MKXT. 

K  at  the  Lords  steadily  and  well,  with  their  coats 
••tit  garb,  their  strangely  simp  their  (rigid 

speech,   for  it   is  p.  •  tins  general, 

ga/.ing  at  an  institution  which  in  its  present   shnj 
cumpiisitioii   will   lie   numbered    :.•  .id    tilings   that 

have  no  resurrection.  " 

These     pathetic     w..rds,     instinct     with     a    chivalrous 
M,   occur  in   an   article   by   Mr.   T.    P    OVn\\oK, 
Ml'.,  in  the  current  number  of  .VmiJtri/'g  .V<i«/ii;inr. 

But,  as  our  gifted  neighbour!  s.iy,  they  gi\e  furiously 
t"  think. 

The  Lords  without   "  T.    P."  would  certainly  be  in  a 

b:;d   way,    but  "  T.    P."   without   the   Lords      the   idea   is 

her    too    tragic    for    contemplation.       .TournaliMn 

would  be  shorn  of  all   its  purple   patch,  s,   of   a!!   these 

delightful  personalia— the  result  of  oiitinuous, 

and  intimate  familiarity  with  the  nrrnna  of  May  fair 
which  constitute  the  main  intellectual  jMilnilum  of  the 
racy.  But  this  is  not  all.  With  the  abolition  of 
t!i.  House  of  Lords  (the  great  bulwark  of  ('monism  I.  the 
granting  of  Home  Rule  and  a  separate  I.egislat 
Ireland  would  follow  as  a  matter  of  course.  I'ndor  the 
new  regime  high  office  would  inevitably  lie  offer,  d  to  Mr. 
OVoxxok.  Could  the  intrepid  patriot  refuse  the  call  of 
his  country?  That  is  also  unthinkable.  It  follows 
then,  as  the  night  the  day.  that  he  would  ha-..-  to 
wrench  himself  free  from  his  life  of  arduous  exile  and  as 
Loader  of  the  Irish  Legislature  jiossibly  ns  President 
of  the  Irish  Republic — take  up  his  residence  on  the 
balmy  banks  of  the  LiftVy,  and  sever  his  long  connection 
with  London  journalism. 

London  without  "  T.  P."l  It  is  a  terrible,  a  soul- 
shaking  thought.  Public  life  without  the  stimulant  of 
unfailing  panegyric.  Eminence  shorn  of  its  weekly 
meed  of  eulogy.  Beauty  ttnproolaimed  mi  the  house- 
tops. Journalism  deprived  of  unction.  Bread  without 
butter. 

On  communicating  with  Mr.  T.  H**L*.  M.P.,  how- 
ever, we  received  the  following  somewhat  cryptic  but, 
on  the  whole,  reassuring  reply: 

"  Home  Rule  must  wait,    and   the   House  of    I 
must  stand.     The  lot  of  the  exile  is  doubtless  hard,  but 
England's  need  of  him  is  even  greater  than  Ireland's." 

Let  us,  then,  put  up,  for  another  twenty  years  at  any 
rote,  with  the  obsolete  clothing  and  eccentric  h< 
of  our  hereditary  legislators.     Let  us  even   be   lenient 
to     their     frigidity     of     speech.      For     with     nil     their 
anachronisms  they  at  least  form  part  of  a  fabric  which 
cannot    be    demolished    without    destroying    the    prime 
occupation    of    a    great    and    magnanimous    publicist 
namely   the   recognition   of   estimable    qualities    in    the 
upper  social  strata  of  a  race  of  aliens  and  oppressors 

LA   HAUTE   FINF> 

[Public  voyages  of  military  aireliipi  are  to  be  discontinued  in  France 
to  avoid  disclosing  official  secrets  ] 

No   more   bye-elections   an-    to    b,.    contested    by    the 
Government.     This    cautious    reticence    is    int>-nde.]    tr> 
t   the  premature  divulging  of  their  political  pro- 
gramme. 

ral  diabolists  write  to  us  that   they  ha\e  beaten 

!.   MKfNir.u's   record   repeatedly   in   private;   they 

have  only  refrained  from  doing  so  in  public,  for  fear  of 

rig  their  methods  at  this  early  *t 
It  is  rumoured  that  The  Diiihj  \cu-s  is  holding  back 
mis  so  as  to  checkmate   the   unprincipled 
pilfering  of  news  so  rife'  in  the.  modern  Press. 


CO 
<M 

I 


a 

g 

M 

Pi 


o 


o 
o 
x 

s 

w 

K 

P5 
O 

W* 
O 

g 


n 


cs 
o 


I 
I 


O 

5; 


.— 

f^          1  t 


Si 


E-1  -x 


|T]     -^  x 


X  ~ 

w  ^ 


w 

H     H^ 


O 


8 
8 

I 


OCTOBER  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


293 


Aunt.  ".AND  HAVE  lou  BEEN  ALL  THAT  LONG  WAY  ALONE?"  Kiece.  "YES,  AUNTIB." 

Aunt.  "THEN  HOW  is  IT  YOU  W«NT  OKI  WITH  AN  UMBRELLA  AND  COMB  BACK  WITH  A  WALKINQ-STICI ? " 


"SOMETHING    WITH    COLOUR    IN    IT!" 

A  MILD  REMONSTRANCE. 

WHEN  I  got  back  the  other  evening  to  "  Hill  Tops," 
as  our  villa  is  called,  it  struck  me  that  MORWENNA 
was  in  a  more  than  usually  exalted  mood.  But 
even  when  she  informed  me  that  she  had  been  to 
the  opening  of  a  Rational  Dress  Exhibition — something 
to  do  with  The  Tribune  newspaper,  I  fancy— and  had 
heard  a  splendid  speech  there  by  a  Mr.  Louis  N. 
PARKER,  I  felt  no  particular  uneasiness.  I  merely 
said,  "  Did  you  indeed,  my  love?  "  '  Yes,  ADOLPHUS," 
she  replied.  "  And  I  realise  now  that,  as  he  says  so 
forcibly,  your  clothes  are  an  eyesore,  from  your  horrible 
hat  to  your  ghastly  boots! 

I  knew  Mr.  Louis  PARKER  by  name,  of  course,  in  con- 
nection with  Pageants,  but  I  wasn't  aware  of  ever 
having  met  him,  and,  even  if  I  had,  I  could  not  think 
that  gave  him  the  right  to  be  so  personal.  However, 
all  I  said  was  that  1  thought  Mr.  PARKER  must  have 
made  some  mistake;  my  boots  might  have  got  a  little 
muddy  walking  up  from  the  station,  perhaps,  but  my 
frock-coat,  etc.,  were  in  excellent  condition,  while,  as 
for  my  hat,  I  had  had  it  blocked  that  very  afternoon. 

"I  knew  you  wouldn't  understand  I  '  she  said  im- 
patiently. "  It  's  the  costume  itself — the  stove-pipe 
hat,  the  high  collar,  the  frock-coat  that  are  all  so  ter- 
rible. I  can  never  bear  you  to  go  up  to  business  in 
them  again ! 

"  Very  well,"  I  said,  seeing  how  strongly  she  felt 
about  it,  "I  will  wear  a  lounge  suit  and  a  bowler  in 


future,  my  dear,  if  you  prefer  it."  I  could  not  think 
it  quite  the  correct  costume  for  the  City,  but,  still,  a 
good  many  business  men  are  taking  to  it. 

"  Not  a  bowler!  "  she  said.  Mr.  PARKER  thinks 
that  very  nearly,  if  not  quite,  as  abominable  as  the 
stove-pipe.  No,  ADOLPHUS,  you  will  wear  the  green  felt 
hat  that  you  got  in  the  Tyrol  this  summer,  if  you 
please." 

I  said  I  would,  since  she  made  such  a  point  of  it 
(You  may  think  I  ought  to  have  been  firmer,  but  \..u 
are  not  married  to  MORWENNA.)    I  entirely  agreed  with 
her    that    the    conventional    masculine    costume    wac 
hideous,  but,  as  I  put  it  to  her,  /  could  hardly  bo  held 
responsible     for    that.       "I     am     not     blaming     you, 
ADOLPHCS,"   she   said,    "but   I   do   blame   myself' 
which  was  so  unlike  MORWENNA  that  it  made  me  gasp 
"  Yes,"  she  went  on,  "  Mr.  PARKER  has  convinced  rm 
that,  in  his  own  words,  '  man  has  sunk  to  his  degraded 
position  sartorinlly  because  no  woman  ever  looks  twie. 
at  his  costume.     Woman's  life  would  be  twice  as  full  if 
she  discussed  her  husband's  dress  as  well  as  her  own. 
ADOLPHL-S,  I  intend  to  lead  a  fuller  life  in  future." 

Well,  of  course  I  recognised  the  advantage  of  MUM 
guided 'by  a  woman's  taste  in  these  matters.  Am 
MORWENNA  is  the  great  authority  on  taste  in  Aspinal 
Park-  she  is  always  in  touch  with  the  very  latest  ideas 
It  was  she  who  introduced  the  new  art  style  of  furnish 
ing  into  our  neighbourhood,  and,  though  you  will  now 
see  several  drawing-rooms  in  Aspinall  Park  decor 
ated  with  white-washed  walls  and  black  satin  cur 
tains,  they  are  really  all  copied  from  ours  at 


PUNCH,   OR  TUB   LONDON   CHAR IV AIM. 


[OCTOBEB   23,    1907. 


Tops."     I   didn't  altogether   care   f.-r  it   at   first;   Imt   I 

that   it   is  right      your  .nd   should   be  as 

lire    as    possible    t<>    throw     up    tin-    strong    colour 

of   y  •<.      I    BUI    not  cultured   or   artistic   myself, 

but    M.  s,    and,    us    slu-    i  illy    n-n 

able     force    of    charaett  r,     it     is    only     niiturul     that     I 

.!il  defer  to  IUT  in  these  matters.     At  home  I  would 

do    almost    anything    for    peace    and    quietness.      In    the 

I   am   a   \cty   dilT.  r.  lit    man.      Th-  |>   to   me 

1  Imped  she  \vould  1,  -ten  all  about  it  by  the 

morning,  but.  on  finding  sin-  bail  not,    I   humoured 
by  wearing  the  lounge  suit  and  TyioK-sc  hat  in  the 
1   have  done  s  lay  till   now   without   coiu- 

|duint.  I  still  thought  thr  tiling  would  blow  o\.  r.  and 
I  Illicit  resume  my  frocl.  i  tall  ha' 

\\itliout  having  any  fuss  made  ubout  it. 

Hut  to-night— -to-night  I  have  learnt  how  fatally  1 
have  been  deceiving  myself!  1 ..  :  me  try  to  describe 
as  calmly  as  possible  the  trying  position  in  which  I 
am  placed.  I  got  hack  rath-  rushing 

up  to  dress   (Mi-  always   insists  on   my   dn 

fur  dinner)  when  I  met   her  on   the  stairs  coming  down. 
'You  will  find  some  things  put  out  for  you.  Ai'oi.mrs," 
she  s  "I  shall   feel   extremely   hurt   if  you   fail   to 

appreciate  the  trouble  I  have  taken  in  designing  them. 
I 'inner  will  bo  in  ten  mini/ 

When    I   entered   the   drawing-room    in    a    jacl. 
lemon-coloured  brocade,   with   a   Yandyek   collar,   a   pale 
rose  silk  shirt,  loose  Turkish  trousers,  and  blue  Morocco 
slippers,  MOKWKNNA  was  pleased  with  me.  once, 

Anoi.piirs,"  she  said,  "I  f.-i  1  proud  of  you.  Mr. 
1'utKKK  told  us  "to  let  men  ha\e  something  flowing, 
which  would  display  or  conceal  their  curves  in  T/oi/r 
case  the  latter,  moat  decidedly.  Above  all,  something 
with  colour  in  it.  I  wish — I  do  wish  lie  could  see  you 
now  1  " 

I  rather  wished  I  could  see  Mr.  PAKKKU  just  then,  but 
I  kept  that  to  myself.  "Now,  confess,  AnoLmrs," 
said  MORWEXXA  brightly,  as  we  sat  down  to  dinner, 
"  that  you  have  never  felt  so  comfortable  in  your  life !  " 
The  things  were  loose  enough,  and  I  might  have  felt 
fairly  comfortable,  if  it  hadn't  been  for  PIXCKNKV. 
PIXCKXKY  is  our  parlour-maid,  and  a  very  superior  girl. 
But  I  always  have  thought  there  was  something 
satirical  about  her  expression.  I  noticed  it  particularly 
this  evening. 

After  MOKWF.XXA  had  risen  I  sat  on  longer  than  usual. 
I  felt  that  the  time  had  come  at  last  when  I  must  really 
put  my  foot  down.  Eventually  I  had  to  go  into  the 
drawing-room.  As  luck  would  have  it,  MOKWKNNV 
noticed  at  once  that  I  had  spilt  some  soup  or  port  or 
something  on  my  brocade,  which  put  mo  in  the  wrong 
to  start  with.  "Really,  ADOLPIICS,"  she  concluded, 
"  it  seems  an  absolute  waste  of  time  to  dress  you  de- 
cently! "  I  admitted  that  it  did  seem  rather  like  it. 
"  Well,"  she  said  more  kindly,  "you  must  try  to  be 
more  careful  with  your  morning  clothes."  I  said  I  would, 
but  pointed  out  that  a  little  gravy  or  what  not  did  no  p>  r- 
manent  damage  to  a  tu..,|  suit.  And  then  the  blow 
fell.  "  You  have  done  with  tweeds  for  ever,  ADOI.PIM 
she  said.  "  Henceforth  your  City  costume  will  !>•• 
something  really  artistic  and  picturesque.  You  will 
wear  a  butcher-blue  blouse,  with  a  smocked  collar,  a 
•i  enamelled  leather  belt  with  old  silver  clasps, 
loose  mouse-grey  corduroy  trousers,  and  high  lioots." 
"  But,  MORWENNA,"  I  protested,  as  soon  as  I  could 
speak,  "a  costume  like  tint  would  look  so  ridiculous 
worn  with  any  ordinary  hat!  " 

"  Not  with  "your  Tyrolese  felt,"  she  said,  "  now  that 


II   have  [nit  a  Kingfisher  in  it.      Look!  "      (And  she  had, 
"  1'or  summer  I  shall  lui\e  \,,ur  I'anainit  cleaned, 
luid,   with   the    brim    looped   up  on   one   side,   and    a   few 
artificial  ;    ;••  ihaps   an  riiicrald-grecn   bird  of- 

Paradise    plume,    it   will    I  Mr. 

I'\UKI:K  put  it  M>  well,  '  If  the  husband  pays  d.r  tin- 
wife's  bonnet'  (not  that  I  would  ever  be  <eeii  in  a 
li»in,t  but  that  isn't  the  (Hiint),  'why  shouldn't  tin- 
wife  tiim  the  husband's  h 

I   was  s<  .rry  to  seem  ungrateful,  and  upset   MORW  I  NX  \. 
but    I    simply    had    t<>    assert     myself    at     this.      I    said, 
i  humoiiredly  but  (irmly,  that  while  at  home  I  would 
:•    v.  hat    :.he    pi.    i-    d.    but    I    must    really    deeline    !- 
to    business    in    fancy    dress.         Just    think    what    people 
would  say!      She  said    I   was  too  absurdly  :ous 

and  cowardly,      fi  ,  .    .          .    :in  ,.^,,1,^,1,^   im,[ 

she  had  srt  her  heart  on  linj  bein^'  the  Pioneer  of  Ma-:- 
culii  licfor'ii.  I  should  find  myself  followed  in 

time  (and  h>  iv  s'ie  may  be  right,  in  a  way),  not 
(.nly  by  :ill  Aspiirill  Park,  but  all  London  all  Kngland 
\iry  probably.  Surely  such  a  |r.  .-pert  was  well  Worth 
a  little  temporary  ineonvenieii- 

I  said   I    had   a   most    important    bi:  :  pi.intlnelit 

tomorrow,  and  I  must  ir.sist  on  keeping  it  in  my 
ordinary  clothes. 

"  Y..'.i  will  not,   ADOI.I-!!  I.  "  for  the  simple 

reason  that  you  c.itnmt.  I  have  disposed  "f  all  your 
hideous  garments  -  -even  the  suit  you  wore  to-day.  You 
must  d>  •  'ililik  best,  of  course  all  /  e;-. 

that  I  cannot  go  on  lixinj;  in  the  same  he, use  with  a 
husband  who,  artistically  speaking,  is  an  e.'  Now 

I  'II   lea\e  you  to  think   it  over  quietly." 

***** 

1    am  still   thinking  it  over.      After  all,   even   if   I    </.> 
travel  up  to-morrow  in  a  blue  blouse  and  high  hoots,  all 
the    Aspinall    Park    lot    would    understand.      Tin ;/    know 
MoiiWKXXA.     And  of  course  I  shouldn't  like  to  drive  her 
to  leave  me,  after  all  these  years  of  happy  married  life. 
And  I  must  see  SIIARPI.KS  to-morrow-    it  's  not  a  matter 
that  can  wait  or  be  settled  o\er  the   'phone.      liut    I   </  > 
shrink  from  calling  on  him  with  that  confounded  king- 
fisher in  my   hat.     I   might   get  rid  of   it    going   to   the 
station — but   then    MOKWKNNA   would   be   sure   i 
its  absence  when  1  came  home.     And  there  would  • 
row.     I   must  say   I  do  think  it  most   inconsiderate  of 
Mr.  PARKKR  to  put  such  notions  into  MOKWKNNA'S  head 
If   he    is   a   married    man    himself,    he    really    oueh' 
know  better!     How  would  he  like  his  wife  tc   trim  Lin 
hat  for  him.'         1'   A. 

TIIK  Limerick  craze  has  reached  Swaiwge,  and  in  the 
Dorset  futility  fhrnnifli-  may  be  read  an  advertiser 
of  a  Limerick  competition  intended  to  bring  before 
public  the  beauties  of  the  plan-.      I:  -nus:  — 

"  Jjiily  (1i:irl<>lti-  drr.-iilnl  lie  «  inter. 
\\  In.  h  in  liixl.ii"!  H|I<.  MI. I  v.  .i>.  —i  lii:iiT  ; 
I'.ut  I. .-i  i  Madam  that'll  not  10, 

If  to  Snnunge  you'll  go, 


l:t  I.F.S.     Fill  in  the  last  line  to  rlirme  with  the  first  tiro." 

This  looks  difficult,  but  the  more  famous  of  our  Lon- 
don pri/e  winners  will  have  no  trouble  with  it. 


"UH.    MILKS'  SIIToKTKliS    MKKT   AT   H.ASMA1U," 

'/,  \\'alrs  l><iil'j  l:.nt. 

THIS   reads   uncommonly   like  our  EUSTACE,   with   a 
colourable   imitation  of   I'lasmon: 


OCTOBER  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


RETRENCHMENT. 

[The  Postmaster-General  announces  lliat  lie 
fcas  reduced  the  salary  of  the  official  cat  at  the 
Central  Telegraph  Office  from  Is.  Gd.  to  Sd.  a 
week.] 

WIJEN  there  'a  a  blow,  good  people  all 
You  may  expect  to  hear  a  squall, 
And  surely  you  will  not  refuse 
A  tear  to  my  unhappy  mews. 
From  kittenhood  I  always  sought 
To  do  my  best  as  good  cats  ought, 
And  with  devouring  zeal  would  spring 
To  serve  my  country  and  my  king. 
Unlike  some  of  the  higher  powers, 
I  never  slacked  in  office  hours ; 
No  Mauser  ever  yet  did  fly 
To  do  its  task  so  swift  as  I. 
What  matter  though  the  office  brats 
Might  stigmatise  my  work  as  "  I?ats  !  " 
I  scorned  their  penny-dreadful  wiles, 
Although  I  have  a  taste  for  tiles, 
And  with  hole-hearted  zeal  each  day 
I  set  myself  to  watch  and  prey. 
And  how  am  I  rewarded  now? 
They  ought  to  blush  to  tell  me-'ow! 
"  Instead  of  which  "  the  P.M.G. 
Announces  with  self-righteous  glee 
That  he  has  cut  my  niggard  rate 
From  eighteenpence  a  week  to  eight. 
How  can  a  self-respecting  cat 
Keep  up  appearances  on  that? 
How  sport  a  good  fur-coat  and  see 
His  kit  is  all  it  ought  to  be? 
Call  that  a  living  wage?     I  shiver 
Imagining  the  kind  of  liver. 
Life  will  be  one  dark  round  of  nights, 
No  milky  way,  no  welcome  lights. 


THE  MARKED  CRAB. 

WE  are  interested  in  the  story  told 
by  The  Daily  Telegraph  of  a  marked 
crab  which  travelled  the  distance 
between  Scarborough  Castle  and 
Boddin,  near  Montrose,  in  689  days. 
Our  statistician  spent  last  Thursday 
working  it  out,  and  we  give  below 
his  conclusions. 

"I  find,"  he  writes,  "that  as 
the  crow  flics  Boddin  is  some  155 
miles  distant  from  Scarborough 
Castle.  But,  as  I  am  unable  to 
trace  in  any  encyclopaedia  or  natural 
liistory  text-book  that  it  is  the 
habit  of  the  crab  to  crawl  as  the 
crow  flies,  it  is  reasonable  to 
assume,  I  think,  that  in  reality 
double  this  distance  was  covered 
by  the  crab  in  question.  As  my 
nephew,  who  has  assisted  me  in 
my  calculations,  and  is  a  most  intel- 
ligent lad,  suggests,  the  crab  could 
not  be  expected  to  have  made  up  his 
mind  to  travel  to  Boddin,  or  even, 
indeed,  being  a  native  of  Yorkshire, 
to  know  whereabouts  Boddin  was. 
He  further  suggested,  by  the  way, 


Martha  (replying  to  inritation).    "It  lit  LADIES   OO    our   TUEN    I    nest   BTAI    I»;    HOT    If 
THEY   KEEP   III   TUEN   I   CAN'T  OO  OUT;     80   IT   ILL  DEPENDS." 


that  the  crab  did  not  walk  at  all,  but 
clung  on  to  the  keel  of  some  passing 
steamer,  and  happened  to  let  go 
when  Montrose  loomed  up  on  the 
port  bow.  But  as  the  newspaper 
Iocs  not  admit  this  possibility,  I 
have  not  taken  it  into  my  calcula- 
:ions. 

"  Assuming,  then,  that  the  crab 
iravolled  310  miles  in  the  689  days, 
find  that  he  (or  she,  as  the 
case  may  be)  travelled  one  mile  in 
2  days  5'34'2  hours.  Allowing  for 
sleep,  meals,  rests  by  the  wayside, 
and  possibly  contests  with  the  deni- 
zens of  the  deep,  the  crab's  actual 
>rogress  would  occupy,  say,  nine 
lours  of  each  day.  Thus  we  arrive 
at  the  average  speed  of  the  crab, 
which  was  exactly  80  yards  per  hour. 

"  That,  it  must  be  admitted,  is 
pretty  good  going." 

So- much  for  our  statistician's  re- 
>ort.  Personally  we  are  keenly  in- 
.erested  in  the  practice  of  marking 
animals,  etc.,  with  the  object  of 


ascertaining  their  speed,  though  it 
must  be  admitted  that  up  to  the 
present  our  experiments  have  not  re- 
sulted happily.  Wo  have  particu- 
larly in  rnind  two  of  them.  The 
first  was  some  months  ago,  wlu-n, 
speeding  down  Cromwell  Itoad  on  a 
motor  car,  we  marked  the  back  of  a 
growler.  It  was  opposite  the  Natural 
History  Museum.  The  time  was 
10.40  P.M.  Eleven  days  later  wo 
saw  that  same  growler  in  West- 
bourna  Grove,  some  two  or  three 
miles  away,  and  still  going  steadily. 
We  knew  it  by  the  mark.  The 
driver,  on  his  part,  saw  us,  and  the 
costs  were  somewhat  heavy.  The 
second  case  was  of  a  pigeon,  which 
we  released  at  Beachy  Head  on 
August  14,  1905,  with  a  ring  on  its 
left  leg.  Last  April,  we  were  in  a 
restaurant  in  Fleet  Street,  eating 
pigeon-pie,  when  we  broke  a  front 
tooth  on  something  hard.  So  that 
pigeons,  it  would  seem,  do  not  travel 
so  fast  as  is  popularly  supposed. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[(X-rowut  23.  1907. 


HOW  TO   PLAY  THE  PIANOLA. 

i  VOID.  O.  D.  wishes  me  to  publish  the 
following  correspon.lTire,  which  has  recently 
passed  between  us.  It  occurs  to  me  that  the 
name  under  which  I  appear  in  it  may  perhaps 
need  explanation.  I  hate  exi<latintioni,  but 
here  it  i*. 

When  0.  D.  was  six  months  old,  she  was 
taught  to  call  me  "  Uncle."    I  most  suppose 
that  at  this  time   I   was  always   giving   her 
thing* —thing*  she  really  wanted,  such  aa  boot-  , 
hue*,  the  beat  china,  evening  rarer*,  and  so 
:.ich    had    been   withheld    by   those    in 
authority.     Later  on,  thitw  peraooa  came  round 
to  my  way  of  thinking,  and  gave 
the  beet  china,  at  any  rate  cake  and  bread- , 
and  butter.      Naturally    their   offerings, 
appreciated  at   laat,  were   greeted  with    the 

familiar  cry  of    "  Uncle."      "  No, 

dear,   not  'Uncle,'   '  Thank-von.'" 
came  the  correction.— A.  A.  W  J 

I. 

DEAR  THAXKYOU, — I  've 
some  wonderful  news  for 
you!  Guess  what  it  is; 
but  no,  you  never  will. 
Well,  I'll" tell  you.  /  COM 
u-alk!  Really  and  really. 

It  is  most  awfully  inter- 
esting. You  put  one  foot 
out  to  the  right,  and  then 
you  bring  the  left  after  it. 
That  's  one  walk,  an<l  I 
have  done  seven  alto- 
gether. You  have  to 
keep  your  hands  out  in 
front  of  you,  so  as  to 
balance  properly.  That 's 
all  the  rules — the  rest  is 
just  knack.  I  got  it  quite 
suddenly  yesterday.  It  is 
such  fun ;  I  wake  up  about 
five  every  morning  now, 
thinking  of  it. 

Of  course  I  fall  down 
now  and  then.  You  see, 
I  'm  only  beginning.  When 
I  fall,  Mother  comes  and 
picks  me  up.  That  re- 
minds me.  I  don't  want 
you  to  call  me  "  Baby  " 
any  more,  now  1  can  wnlk. 
Babies  can't  walk,  they 
just  get  carried  about  and  put 
in  perambulators.  I  v.  ,.-,  riven  a  lot 
of  names  a  long  time  ago,  but  I  forget 
what  they  were.  I  think  one  was 
something  rather  silly,  like  MAIUORIH 
<>r  MILLICEXT,  but  I  have  never  had 
it  used  lately.  Mother  always  calls 
MIP  ().  P.  now.' 

Good-bye.  Write  directly  you  get 
this.  Your  loving  O.  D. 

11. 

MY  DEAR  0.  D.,— I  was  so  glad  to 
get  your  letter,  because  I  was  just 
going  to  write  to  you.  What  do  you 
think?  No,  you  '11  never  guess — 
shall  I  tell  you? — no — yes — no;  well, 
I  've  bought  a  pianola  1 


It  's  really  rather  difficult   to  play 

it     jir  I     know     pe.  .pie     like 

•hi  uii.l      I  .-an  only  think  of 
I'MTUKWSKI  for  tl.  : ,  I  know 

that  sort  of  person  doesn't  think 
inueh  of  the  pianola  artist  ;  but  they 
are  quite  wrong  about  it  all.  The 
unical  agility  with  the  fingers 
is  nothing,  the  soul  is  everything. 
get  the  soul,  the  con 
iitiiltn  rxprrstitnir  feeling,  j 
in  the  pianola  as  in  the  piano.  Of 
course  you  have  to  keep  a  sharp  eye 
mi  the  music.  S. .me  people  roll  it 
off  just  like  a  barrel-organ;  but  when 
I  see  Alli-ijrn  or  Andante  or  anything 


THE    POETRY    OF    SPORT. 


"CtEiB    1MAOE8   UrOU  TOUR  OL1DDEXED   ETE8 

Or  KATDIC'S  muiBiTiocs  ammo<ut."—Wor1»*ti&. 


of  that  kind  on  the  score,  I  'm  on  it 
like  a  bird. 

No  time  for  more  now,  as  I  've  just 
got  a  new  lot  of  music  in. 

Your  loving      TUAXKYOU. 

P. H.  When  are  you  coining  to 
hear  me  play'.'  I  did  Mumbling 
Mote  just  now,  with  one  lian.l  and 
lots  of  soul.  (Signed)  I'AMI:KI.W  SKI. 

I'.l'.S. — 1  am  glad  you  run  walk. 

in. 

IH;VH  TiiANMor,     I  am  ruther  up- 
set about  my  walki.'..-.      Y"ii  ivniem- 
!    t»M   \ou   I    Lid  done  seven   in 
..ist  '.'        Well,     this     morning     I 
couldn't   do   ft   single   on.-'      Well.    I 
did  do  one,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  but  I 


suppose   some   people    would   say   it 

didn't   count,    because    I    fell    down 

•hough  I  don't  see  that 

do    you,    TH AM. 

Hut  even  with  that  one  it  was  only 
one,  nnd  yet   I  know  I  did  seven  the 
1    wonder  why   it  is.      I 
•he  right  way,  1  'in  sure,  and  I 
ny  hands  out  so  as  to  bal 
•0    perhaps   it's   the   shoos   that  are 
wrong.      I    must    ask    Mother   t 
me    a    new    pair,    and    tell    the    man 

re  for  walks. 

Now  do  write  me  a  nice  long  letter. 
TiiAXKVor.  I  feel  \erv  miser- 

able about  this.  It  1.1  right,  isn't  it, 
when  you  have  the  right 
leg  out,  only  to  bring  the 
•no  just  up  to  it,  and 
not  beyond  '.'  And  d< 
matter  which  foot  you 
start  with'.'  Let  me  kn»'.«- 
quickly,  because  Father 
start  will.  !  •  me  know 
an  1  I  want  to  show  him. 
Your  loving  ( >.  I  >. 

/'  N       1      am     glad     MHJ 
like  your  pianola. 

IV. 

DEAR  O.D.,— Very  glad 
to  get  yours.  If  you  really 
want  a  long  letter,  you 
shall  have  one;  only  I 
warn  you  that  if  once  I 
begin  nothing  less  than  a 
general  election  can 
me.  Well,  first,  then,  I 
played  the  Mernj  ll'ii/urr 
11  Hits  yesterday  to  Mrs. 
POLACCA,  who  is  a  great 
authority  on  music,  and  in 
with  all'  the  <  Hall 

set,  and  she  said  that  my 
touch  reminded  her  of — 
I  've  forgotten  the  man'* 
name  now,  which  is  rather 
sickening,  because  it  spoils 
the  story  a  bit,  but  ho 
was  one  of  the  real  tip- 
toppers  who  makes  hun- 
dreds a  week,  and — well,  that  was 
the  sort  of  man  I  reminded  her  of. 
If  I  can  do  that  with  a  wait/,  it 
stands  to  reason  that  with  scii'ething 
classic  there  'd  be  n»  holding  in.-.  I 
think  I  shall  give  a  recital.  Tickels 
10*.  &d.  No  fne  seats.  N.I  emer- 
gency exit.  It  is  a  great  mistake  to 

•   a  recital. 
I   ha\e  alwa\s  felt   that    .    .    . 

(Three  pages  oinill<il.      Ki>.) 

lly,  0.  D.,  you  must  l,.-ar  mo 
doing  the  double  !•'  in  the  /!.•*/. .n 

\\'nlli  to  get  me  at  my  best. 
You  've  heard  Krni-:i.iK  on  the  violin? 
Well,  it  'K  not  a  bit  lik-  d  yet 

there  's  just  that  something  which 


OCIDBEB  23,  1907.]  PUNCH.   OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


links  great  artists  together,  no  matte 
what  their  medium  of  expression. 
Your  loving         TIIAXKVHI-. 

P.8.— Glad  you're   getting  on   sc 
well  with  your  walking, 
v. 

DEAREST  THANKYOU, — Hooray,  hoo 
ray,  hooray — I  did  twenty-five  walk: 
to-day !  Father  counted.  He  say 
my  stylo  reminds  him  of  CANCEK 
VULGAKIS  rather.  How  many  times 
can  lie  do  it?  Not  twenty-five  on  th< 
third  day,  I  'm  sure. 

Isn't  it  splendid  of  me?  I  see  nov 
where  I  was  wrong  yesterday.  I  go 
the  knack  again  suddenly  this  morn 
ing,  and  I  'm  all  right  now.  To 
morrow  I  shall  walk  round  the  table 
It  is  a  longish  way,  and  there  are 
four  turns,  which  I  am  not  sure  about 
How  do  you  turn?  I  suppose  you 
put  the  right  hand  out? 

Your  very  loving      0.  D. 

VI. 

DEAII  O.  D., — I  am  rather  hurt  by 
your  letters.  I  have  written  several 
times  to  tell  you  all  about  my  new 
pianola,  and  you  don't  seem  to  take 
any  interest  at  all.  I  was  going  to 
have  told  you  this  time  that  the  man 
in  the  flat  below  had  sent  me  a  note, 
just  as  if  it  had  been  a  real  piano. 
He  says  he  doesn't  mind  my  playing 
all  day,  so  long  as  I  don't  start  before 
eight  in  the  morning,  as  he  is  in  his 
bath  then,  and  in  listening  to  the 
music  quite  forgets  to  come  out  some- 
times, which,  I  can  see,  might  be 
very  awkward. 

Write  to  yours  affectionately, 

THANKYOU. 

VII. 

DARLING  TIIANKYOU, — I  am  so 
sorry,  dear,  and  I  will  come  and  hear 
your  pianola  to-morrow,  and  I  think 
it  lovely,  and  you  must  be  clever  to 
play  so  well;  but  you  mustn't  be 
angry  with  me  because  I  am  so  taken 
up  with  my  walking.  You  see,  it  is 
all  so  new  to  me.  I  feel  as  though  I 
want  everybody  to  know  all  about  it. 

Your  pianola  must  be  lovely, 
THANKYOU.  Dear  THANKYOU,  could 
you,  do  you  think,  put  all  the  letters 
we  wrote  to  each  other  about  my 
walking  in  some  paper,  so  that  other 
people  would  know  how  to  do  it  the 
way  I  do?  You  might  call  it  Letters 
on  Walking,  or  How  to  Walk,  or — 
sut  you  could  get  a  better  title  than 
I  could.  Do! 

Your  very  loving        O.  D. 

P.S. — I  'm  so  glad  about  the 
nianola,  and  do  you  miud  if  I  just  tell 
fou  that  I  did  walk  round  the  bable, 
corners  and  all '.' 

VIII. 

DEAREST  O.  D.,— Right  you  are.  I 
will  think  of  a  good  title. 

Your  loving        THANKYOU. 


DISTRESSING    OCCURRENCE    IN    OUR    PARISH. 

tic  (who  has  been  taken  to  Harvest  Festival,  but  is  considered  too  young  to  stay  for  tht 
— fortissimo).  "  Boo— uoo— I— WANT — TO — STOP— TO— DESSERT  !  " 


Hunting  Notes. 

The  Tribune  is  such  a  gay  irrc- 
ponsible  paper  that  we  are  never 
[uite  sure  whether  it  is  being  serious 
>r  not.  Its  latest  headlines — 

"  MOTOR  MATTERS. 
DO  DOGS  RUN  BETTER  AT  NIGHT?  " 
nay  of  course  be  only  a  bitter  jest 
at  a  deservedly  popular  sport. 


IN  an  advertisement  of  a  certain 
listory  of  the  World  wo  read : 

"  The  story  of  the  earth  from  the  first  thing 
vo  know  of  it  down  to  the  time  in  which  we 
ve,  for  oaly  Jcf.  a  day." 

The  poorer  subscriber  might  save 
,  little  by  missing  out  some  of  the 
lays  before  500  B.C.  (say),  but  even 
so  it  would  come  terribly  expensive. 


London's  Congested  Traffic. 
Viscount  and  Viscountess  Falk- 
land have  left  76,  Eaton  Square  and 
have  taken  26,  Upper  Grosvenor 
Street,  where  they  will  arrive  the 
middle  of  November." — Morning  Post. 


Things  one  could  have  put  differently. 
Two  cuttings  from  a  contemporary  : 

"The  ttiglit  Hon.  James  llrycp,  Professor 
Flinders  1'etrie,  Professor  Archibald  Sayce, 
Sir  Harry  Johnston,  Sir  Itolxrt  K.  Douglas, 
are  hut  one  or  two  of  the  distinguished  his- 
torians whose  services  have  been  secured." 

"  The Restaurant  was  very  full  last 

evening.  Among  others  dining  were  to  be 
seen  Sir  Shirley  and  Lady  M.,  Sir  J.  C.-B., 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.,  Lord  If.,  and  one  or  two 
others." 

It  looks  as  if  the  Restaurant 

gets  full  rather  easily. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  .CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBKH  23,    1907. 


Landlord.  "'On  TOD  WON'T  'AVC  AXT  OBJE<TIO»,  Si*.  TO  MT  rtmso  A  gcBscRimav  LIST  DP  ix  TUB   UK  FOR  rat  BEVENT  u'  n;i 
WIDOW  or  GILES  THE  WAOOOMEB,  AS  DIED  LAST  SATCRBAT?" 

RtelOT.   "CEBTAI.XLT.   If   TOU   WISH  TO." 

landlord.   "  TllAXKTE,  Sit.      'E  WAS  A   MAI   AS  OCOffT  TO   BE   EMCOCRAOED.      CuXSIDERATE  TO  HIS  'oBMS  ;   *E  ALWATB   WOTTED  'EIE  TO   BEST 

'EM  ox  'u  WAT  IT  TUB  'ILL." 


LIFE   AND  JOY. 

I  WATCHED  him  shuffle  along  the  street 

That  leads  to  the  river  in  Henley  town, 
A  figure  of  woe  with  shoeless  feet, 

And  an  unbrimmed  hat  with  a  battered  crown. 
His  coat  was  of  holes  which  were  held  together 
By  shreds  that  played  at  defying  the  weather; 
And  he  looked  at  me  with  a  drunken  leer, 

And  he  laughed  and  he  sang  and  he  shouted,  "  I  'vc 
Been  over  the  world,  and  now  I  'in  here. 

Isn't  it  funny  to  be  alive?  " 

The  penniless  ghosts  forlorn  and  grim 

Who  trail  to  the  Styx  and  wail  and  wait, 
Would  each  and  all  have  saluted  him 

With  a  "  Join  us,  brother,  and  mourn  your  fate.  ' 
But  here,  as  one  who  had  never  doubted 
The  luck  of  hjs  life,  he  laughed  and  shout. 
Laughed  and  shouted  and  cheered  and.  sang 

Songs  that  a  bridegroom  might  contrive, 
Bidding  trouble  and  care  go  hang 

With  "  Isn't  it  funny  to  be  alive?  H 

It  struck  me  full  in  the  face,  this  cry 

From  the  tattered  old  rascal  shuffling  there; 

So  I  swept  him  a  bow,  and  I  said,  said  I, 
For  I  judged  it  belt.  ik  him  fair, 


"  Tell  me,  you  that  are  blithe  and  jolly, 
What  is  your  cure  for  melancholy?  " 
But  the  rickctty  scarecrow  turned  on  me, 

And  I  saw  a  flame  in  his  eyes  revive, 
And  "None  of  your  talk,"  he  cried,  "d'ye  see? 

Isn't  it  funny  to  be  alive?  " 

And  so  he  staggered  and  shouted  on 

Over  the  bridge,  where  the  lights  shone  bright, 
As  if  he  were  leaving  Acheron, 

Instead  of  the  Thames  on  a  summer  night ; 
So  filled  with  general  joy  and  laughter 
That  you  'd  think  no  worry  could  follow  nf1 
And  still — for  I  heard — as  he  rolled  along 

To  some  far  place  where  the  lost  n  •  n  tin. 
This  was  the  burden  of  his  SOUL-  : 

"  Isn't  it  funny  to  be  alive?  "  R.  C.  L. 


Mr.  Punch,  being  always  ready  to  help  those  in  pain, 
begs  to  offer  his  services  to  the  two  gentlemen  who 
advertise  in  The  Daily  Chronicle  as  follows: 

•yftc.,   Tub.,   Newugent'* ;    8  n.,  ev.  con. ;    r.    !R«.  f.rf 
let*  16*. ;  tde.  £10 ;  cult  cyclist.  Holler*.  Harrisou'*,  2." 

"MlLi.--M«ir.  Man,  27.  «eekh  ,  or  p.  ;  ex.  per.  ref*.  ;  any 

di*. ;  »U. 

In  Mr.  1'unch's  opinion  "  Harrison's  2  "  should  li-ad 
his  fourth  best,  while  W.  must  use  a  longer  string  if  he 
really  wants  to  spin  it  properly. 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER  23,  1907. 


THE    COQUETTE. 


PEER  (to  Miss  TOBY  DEMOCRACY).  "  WHO 'S  YOUR   FRIEND  ?  " 

Miss  TORY  DEMOCRACY.  "CHARMING   PERSON.     WELL  WORTH   KNOWING.     SHOULDN'T  WONDER 
IF  I  GAVE  HIM  A  DANCE  LATER   ON." 

SOCIALIST  (to  himself).  "  WHAT  HO  !    SHE  STOOPS  !  " 


OCTOBER  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


301 


NORTH-COUNTRY 

"I    FEAR   TUIB  JOB'S  OOIXO   TO   BEAT  VS." 


GRIT." 


Old  Fell  Man.  "  WELL,  AR  NIVER  WOB  BET  BY  A  JOB  YET.    AR  DO  ALWAYS  BAAY,  IF  AR  FOTOD  AS  A  JOB  WERE  LIKE  TO  BET  «E--AB'D 

RATHER   CIO   AWAAY   AXD   LEAVE   IT." 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS 
ON  THE  TURF. 

Newmarket,  Saturday. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — I  'm  in  charity 
with  all  the  world,  for  I  'd  a  little 
flutter  on  the  Cesare witch,  and  it 
came  up  heads,  and  I  'm  simply 
rolling.  1  've  nothing  to  tell  you 
about  dress  here.  A  few  people 
wore  velvet  (a  velvet  autumn  always 
follows  a  lace  summer,  if  you  notice), 
but,  at  Newmarket,  Sport  is  spelled 
with  a  big  S  and  frocks  take  a  back 
seat. 

The  heroines  of  the  day  are  Givc- 
'cm-beans  and  MARY  JERMVN.  (I 
always  forget  to  remember  she  's 
Mrs.  DODDERIDGE.  She  has  put  her 
old  General  somewhere  to  be  taken 
care  of,  and  is  just  as  free  as  she  ever 
WB8.)  With  her  recent  triumph, 
Gicc-'on-bcans  closes  her  racing 
areer,  and  is  leaving  "  the  Profes- 
sion," to  subside,  next  spring,  into 
domestic  life.  To  celebrate  this, 
MARY  JERMVN  gave  a  hen-party, 
which  was  great  fun.  There  was  a 
buge  wedding-cake  all  done  with 
sugar  beans,  and  with  a  statuette  of 
the  mare  in  sugar  on  the  top.  The 


equine  trousseau  was  on  view,  and 
we  all  took  presents  and  drank  her 
health,  hoping  she  won't  figure  out 
as  one  of  the  "  slack  mothers  "  so 
much  in  evidence  a  little  while  ago. 
She  was  self-possessed  and  gracious, 
quite  an  ideal  hostess,  and  showed 
such  a  keen  appreciation  of  her  own 
wedding-cake  that,  had  she  been 
allowed  a  free  hand,  or  rather  hoof, 
she  'd  have  finished  it.  Dear  old 
girl !  I  hope  I  may  ever  have  one  as 
good !  D'you  prick  up  your  ears  at 
that?  Yes,  my  dear,  your  BLANCHE 
is  going  in  for  the  Turf.  People  may 
say  what  they  like  about  the  horse 
gradually  becoming  a  back  number. 
I  don't  believe  it  will  ever  hnpprn. 
In  spite  of  motors  on  land,  botors  on 
the  sea,  and  flotors  in  the  air,  a  true 
Briton  will  always  find  thrills  in 
something  that  can  gallop. 

1  'd  a  lot  of  trouble  in  coaxing 
JOSIAII  into  letting  me  become  an 
owner.  But  I  've  promised  and 
vowed  that,  as  soon  as  I  've  won  a 
Derby,  I  '11  be  satisfied  and  will  drop 
my  gees! 

CROPPY  and  NORTY  VAVASSOR  and 
two  more  of  them  that  you  don't 
know,  FREDDY  and  BILLY,  who  've 


gone  into  business  as  trainers  here 
at  headquarters,  advised  me  and 
bought  for  me  at  the  Doncaster  Sales. 
I  've  a  lovely  lot  of  yearlings  with  all 
the  proper  strains,  Blair  Athol  and 
Pocahontas  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing,  and  No.  19  blood,  and  the 
Ormonde  touch ;  and  I  've  an  own 
sister  to  I'riliij  Polly  and  a  son  of 
Flying  Fox.  They  've  all  got  Derby 
engagements,  for  1  'in  out  to  win 
I  In-  Derby  and  nothing  less.  Before 
I  "  fold  my  arms  like  the  Arabs  and 
as  silently  steal  away,"  I  must  know 
how  it  feels  to  carry  off  \\lmt  MILTON 
calls  "  the  blue  riband  of  the  Turf." 
I  'm  already  thinking  what  sort  of 
frock  I  '11  wear  to  leud  in  I  lie  \sinm-r. 
But  who  's  to  know  whnt  kind  of 
sleeve  or  skirt  will  be  correct  then? 
It  's  a  horriil  a;.'r  (D  wait.  I  must 
own  Unit,  when  1  first  saw  my  high- 
class  youngsters,  1  found  them  a  bit 
disappointing — so  {rightfully  tciiyy, 
you  know.  However,  that  will  im- 
prove every  day,  and,  as  CKorrv 
says,  when  you  buy  race-hor?eB,  it 
is  a  deal  in  legs  and  not  much 
else.  I  've  had  all  their  horoscopes 
done  by  Professor  CITALOTTI,  and 
he  thinks  there  's  a  Derby  among 


Ml 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ooronra  23,  1907. 


thrill  si<m,  -where .  but  lie  won't  Bay 
more.  That  's  thr  worst  of  these 
star  people;  they  never  mil  make 
thrill^  Kes  r.-allv  Useful  Ulltl  spot  11 
witin.T. 

FREDDY  and  HILLY  are  my  trainers. 
I   don't   know    whether    I    sha! 
aa  myself  or  a*  "  Mr.  White."     My 
colours  are   white   and   silver.        Oh. 
my  dearest  and  best  !     \Visli  for  me 
with  all  your  wishing  apparatus  that, 
as  soon  as  is  possible,  1  may  K. 
o'f   my    little    lot    come    round    "  the 
Corner"  and  roll  home  a  wiin 
the  cheers  of  a  Derby  crowd. 

POPSY,  Lady  KAMSOATE,  has 
very  much  about  during  the  week, 
wearing  a  scarlet  rloth  NYv.  market 
coat  faced  with  black,  gaiters  to 
match,  and  a  black  bowler  hat  with 
scarlet  band.  She  generally  had  the 
new  jockey  in  tow.  (JosiAii,  who  is 
still  very  Karly-Yietorinn,  can't  bear 
the  sight  of  her.  "  What  are  things 
coming  to?  "  he  said.  "  At  her  age 
she  ought  to  be  having  a  nap  at  the 
fireside  in  a  shawl,  and  curls."  "  Oh, 
well,"  I  said,  "  the  curls  are  there 
all  right  enough,  but  the  fireside 
isn't  good  enough  for  our  sporting 
old  girls  to-day ;  and  the  only  nap 
they  care  for  is  one  on  the  next 
race.") 

The  sensation  of  the  next  New- 
market meeting  is  to  be  the  riding 
of  this  wonderful  new  jockey — an 
Eikimo,  my  dear,  only  three  feet 
high,  but  full-grown  and  very  strong. 
He  sits  right  on  the  horse's  head, 
and  is  bound  to  cut  out  the  American 
style,  just  as  that  cut  out  ours.  He 
can  never  be  cut  out  himself,  for  of 
couree,  when  you  've  got  right  on  the 
horse's  head,  there  's  no  farther  to 
go,  is  there?  He  was  the  guest  of 
honour  for  the  week  at  Rowley 
Lodge,  and  everyone  "s  been  petting 
and  spoiling  him,  especially  POPSY, 
Lady  R.,  who  's  teaching  him  Dia- 
bolo  and  Bridge,  and  English,  and  I 
don't  know  what  other  accomplish- 
ment*. Being  so  small,  he  doesn't 
have  to  starve  like  other  jockeys, 
and  he  sat  at  dinner  every  night  in 
a  child's  high  chair,  doing  just  as  he 
pleased  and  snatching  at  wh:> 
he  wanted.  But  everything  he  does 
is  right.  Some  people  go  so  far  as 
to  say  that  three  feet  is  quite  tall 
enough,  and  several  of  us  are  learn- 
ing Eskimo,  which  seems  a  sweet 
thing  in  language*,  consisting  chiefly 
of  grunt*  with  an  occasional  choke. 
"i'Y  and  BILLY  are  trying  to 
get  first  claim  on  him  for  n  • 

A  propot  of  the  redoubtable  IVr--, . 
she's  romancing  in  a  most  rick;. 
about  her  adventures  when  captured 
by    the    famous    brigand,     HINAI.HO, 
and     the     daring     and     address     she 


showed  in  escaping.  As  to  adven- 
tures, nobody  bch  hail  any  ; 
and  as  to  her  escape,  when  he  found 
there  m  :il;d  that  Ho  one 
eared  whether  sh. 

!   her  away.      llov 

the  "  I  Her,"  tl..        '  >us." 

and  some  other  halls  offer  her  big 
money  for  a  turn  to  be  called  "  My 
Captivity  with  KINM.DO;  "  and 
wild  with  delight,  and  lias  ordered 
her  frock  pink  satin,  cut  low  in  the 
IKK! ice  and  high  in  the  skirt,  to  be 
with  black  shoes  and  stockings, 
black  elbow-glove--:,  and  an  immense 

Eink  satin  hat  with  half-a  do/en  long 
lack  ostrich  phm 

I  must  tell  you  a  rather  good  thing 
NOKTY  said  to  his  new  Yankee  sister- 
in-law  the  other  day .  I  >I:MU:MONA  vv;;s 
cracking  up  the  land  of  her  birth 
and  criticising  the  land  of  her  inar- 
ording  to  custom,  and, 
among  other  things,  she  said  she. 
considered  us  Knglish  u  dull  nation 
(though  she  'd  the  grace  to  except 
"present  company  ").  "Oh,' 
XoiiTY,  "  dull  is  a  hard  word  Per- 
haps we  may  be  a  bit  teri-'im,  but 
that  's  only  to  be  expected,  seeing 
that  an  Englishman  disco 
gravity  I  " 

People  were  telling  a  funny  little 
storiette  about  HKKVL  CLAEGES  at 
Newmarket  this  week.  She  has  a 
good  deal  of  influence  at  the  War 
Office,  and  the  other  day  she  wrote 
to  the  authorities  asking  to  go  in 
\'itlli  Recundus  on  its  next  aerial 
flight  (this  was  before  its  collapse). 
She  got  an  answer  saying  the  mili- 
tary airship  never  carried  anyone  but 
the  three  experts,  and  the  authori- 
ties could  not  see  their  way  to — and 
so  on.  Nothing  daunted,  BERYL  wrote. 
again,  saying  she  would  do  nothing 
to  incommode  the  experts,  and,  as 
she  only  weighed  seven  stone,  she 
couldn't  think  that  her  pn  •• 
would  make  any  difference.  Again 
she  was  informed  that  the  authori- 
ties could  not  see  their  way  to — and 
so  on;  and  some  people  say  that  the 
second  refusal  wound  up  with  :  "  No 
ladies,  however  light,  can  he  accom- 
modated in  official  Dirigibles";  but 
it  may  be  only  brn  trovato. 

r  thine,          BLANCHE. 


LITERARY    NOTES. 

[SPECIAL  TO  Punch.] 

AMONG  the  latest  literary  votaries 
of  the  irresistible  pastime  of  the  hour 
are  I'atlc-r  1 .1  ;:\  \itn  SHAWM,  I  »r. 
ANDREW  SALEEBY,  Mr.  ANTHONY 

Mrs.    I'.KOWN   I'oi  : 
•  loiiN    STKVNI;I:    rvMi.um.      1  >r. 
ANDRKVV    SVI.I.IDV,    \\e   may   note,   re- 


cently  bad   a  wonderful  escape   from 

what   might    have    I n   a   serious,    if 

.  fatal,  accident.  While  dia- 
iKilising  on  the  lawn  at  Kanelagh  ho 
threw  the  cone  to  such  an  extra- 
ordinary height  that  he  entirely  lost 
sight  of  the  projectile,  which  fell  on 
:  Innately  l>r.  .\NDUEW 
S.M.I  l'l:\  I  \v  ho  must  not  be  confused 
with  his  talented  i  I  >r. 

('.     W.     S  \i.n.r.\i     v\:es     v. earing    an 
aluminium  tall  hat  of  his  own  inven- 
tion, which  so  far  abated  the  ii. 
of   the    falling   cop...    that    he    escaped 
with  only   a   slight  •  .n   of   his 

massive  and  monumental  brain.  The 
episode  has  been  celebrated  in  a  very 
touching  som  r.on  I'HAWNS- 

I.r.Y.    who   was   an  .    spectator 

of  his  friend's 

The  following  are  the  titles  of  a 
small  selection  of  Mr.  A.  C. 
N'S  forthcoming  works:  /'.ir- 
lour  I'ntlios:  \\nrlilings  from  a 
.SY/in/iir'x  Xtinrluiiry;  Mr;:anine 
M  iixiiniH ;  (In at  Tliiiughtx  from  a 
Itest  Jfrdroom;  Mctil  and  Malt,  or 
tin-  Humour*  of  Kubjccliritii :  The 
Comjili-tr  liitroxiifrtii'iiisl :  Thr  N/<>/>- 
I'nr  l.rttrrx,  or  the  Ordeal  of  Tuny 
Tothpot. 


One  of  the  most  interesting  features 
of  contemporary  civilisation  is  the 
remarkable  enterprise  and  intrepidity 
shown  by  ladies  in  the  field  of  ex- 
ploration and  sport.  This  curious 
fact  is  abundantly  illustrated  in  the 
announcements  of  forthcoming  works 
dealing  with  this  form  of  literature. 
Amongst  them  we  may  single  out 
for  special  notice  Half  Hours  among 
lurabouts,  by  DIANA  ('ROSSI. iv 
.MANS,  STUOM;  -  f  -  m'  -  A  KM  4 
Co.),  which  contains  a  compli  : 
planation  why  the  talented  autl 
did  not  stop  longer  than  the  time 
specified.  Sir  HARRY  .JoiissioN, 
<!.('. M.(J..  as  usual,  contributes  one 
of  his  luminous  and  engrossing  intro- 
ductions. Nor  must  v\.  f. .i-.-.-t  to 
notice  How  I  killed  the  In^t  «f  the 
(Hunt  Kloths,  by  SKMIKAMIS  SKKI.M- 
SHANKS,  the  authoress  of  //»»•  / 
linncki'd  .S'/">?s  off  tin*  l.eo/mrd  ;  and 
Hound  the  Hnrn  in  n  I'diiadinn  Ciinoe, 
by  SH.VIA  1 1.  CM  n.ir.i  KV  both  pub- 
lished by  Messrs.  I'ISIIKR  ANI>  (!REI:N. 


I  >i.l   ( ;  \v:;  i  i  TA  and   I'.ISMAUIK 

i  :es  of  this  controversy 
lend     interest      to     the     forthcoming 

volume  fr the  pen  of  Mr.   'I  H"\MS 

OIAIV.  Mnitlmr  Arnold  anil  Martin 
VH/I/HT:  tin-  history  of  n  Sirnt  Col- 
luboration,  which  will  he  illustrated 
with  ninety-eight  full-page  (xirt raits 
of  the  most  eminent  men  of  letters 


OCTOBER  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


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PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


;<>,-n  mi:  •_•::.  !'>.;. 


whose  Christian  names  were  MATTHKW 

or    M \KT1X. 


TIi.-  enormous  success  which  has 
attended  tin.-  pubHoaiioa  with  B 

of  the  second  ir 
s'/.r  iY/..<  I 

the  author's  pu!.li-i  n.  CJIM  K- 

inge  fur  tin'  issue  of  a 
revised  edition  of  all  her  v 
She  hopes  to  contribute  an  intro- 
ductory essay  t<>  caeli  volume.  »ay- 
ing  special  stress  on  the  theological 
bearing  of  her  stories  and  tin  ii 
special  suitability  for  perusal  by 
country  congregations. 

The  increasing  prevalence  of  the 
practice  of  decorating  the  covers  of 
novels  with  coloured  portraits  of  the 
heroine  has  led.  -i-  was  only  to  i  •• 
expected,  to  a  distressing  a.-.-id,  nt. 
A  well-known  inhabitant  of  Ponder 's 
End,  fumed  for  his  absent-minded- 
ness, recently  mistook  a  novel  by 
Mr.  JOHK  Hri.LiNGiiAM,  which  kap- 
pened  to  be  lying  on  the  drawing- 
room  table,  for  a  chocolate  box,  and 
swallowed  some  thirty  pages  of  the 
contents  In-fore  he  realised  his  mis- 
take. \\Y  understand  that  Messrs. 
FADBURY  and  CRY  are  giving  the 
matter  their  most  careful  attention, 
and  seriously  contemplate  a  policy  of 
retaliation. 

As  students  of  literary  psychology 
have  doubtless  observed,  an  original 
title  invariably  sets  a  fashion  in 
nomenclature.  Thus,  as  the  result 
no  doubt  of  Mr.  HEWLETT'S  Stooping 
Lady,  we  note  the  announcement  of 
the  following  novels: — The  Upright 
(jtntleman.  The  Handy-legged  Baro- 
net, The  Knncli-Knced  Nobleman, 
and  A  Heroine  irith  a  Hump. 

Amongst  other  interesting  memoirs 

Me-,-r-*.    S|ol>I>ER   AND   HolT.IIToX   will 

shortly  publish  My  Reminisci 
by  MINIMA  CAKTER,  the  famous 
wonder  -  child  of  the  piano.  The 
volume  will  contain  144  portraits  of 
the  author  (one  for  every  month  of 
her  life),  and  is  dedicated  to  the 
TSAR,  "  by  one  who  has  kissed  him," 
by  permission  of  the  TSARITSA. 


\Ye  regret   to  learn  that  owing  to 
his     engagements     in     the      Arctic 
regions    Mr.     IluutY    PP.    Qri.x,    tin- 
famous   fu-tionist,    will    l.e    un:r 
produce  more  than  tl  •  Is  be- 

fore Christmas.  They  will  be  named 
A  Purple  Potrntuli- •  Ego  et  Reget 
met;  and  The  Cnnrning  of  Quex. 

"  The  county  rath  tlie  lowest  percentage  of 
married  wome.i  is  Cardigan  with  333  per  cent" 
— London  Mayazinr. 


AIDA    IN    EGYPT. 

TIIK     public     that     goes     (• 
Yntm'.s  .liJ:   [•'  is  a  good  lot   for  its 

BUII,     I     OOUld    h:i\e    v. 
last   Thursday    th:it    tlio   M 

'lowed  t!  '       xtend 

to  a  gift  of  cotton  wadding  for  the 
tym|iantim,  because  tlio  stage-trum- 

ihing 

short  of  terrific.      I  -.nd'  'I  at 

I  ho   iiidifl.  <.\\n   l.y   liailimix 

(Signer  VIOXAS),  who  was  oven 
nearer  to  the  brass  than  I  was. 
I'.-rliaps  his  recent  military  triumphs 
had  left  him  blase,  or  he  was  dis- 
tracted by  the  sight  of  real  Irish 
Guardsmen  in  the  uniform  of  the 
Pharaohs.  (This  should  please  Mr. 
KEIR  HARDIE,  nnd  he  might  make  it 
the  text  of  an  inflammatory  speech 


TKUPORART  HISCNDEBSTXXDINO  is  AX  ETHIOI-UN 
FAMILY. 

AiJa      .     .  lime.  Litviime. 
Amonatro  .  Sig.  Sammarco. 

at  Port  Said  on  the  way  home,  ad- 
vocating     sympathy     between     op- 
•d  nationalities.) 

As  for  the  concerted  passage  for 
six  principals  and  a  variegated 
chorus,  never  surely  did  so  many 
different  persons  say  so  many  dif- 
ferent things  all  at  once,  lleiv  was 
the  Kgvptian  King  proposing  to  put 
lotus  round  tin-  victor's  head:  and 
A'lda  regretting  that  sin-  would  lose 
her  lover  in  his  hour  of  triumph ;  and 
In-r  father  telling  her  that  veng- 
will  come;  and  her  rival  crowing  over 
.-iiid  the  Cieiieral  |  •  that 

Aldii'*  love  was  beyond  rubies;  nnd 
the    |  ••••ring   pray.-rs    to    Isis; 

and  the  prisoners  returning  thanks  for 
their  release;  and  not  one  of  them 
able  to  hear  what  anybody  els. 
saying  with  all  that  noise  going  on. 

I   noticed   that  the   statue  of   Isis 

which   is  required   for  this   scene  was 

made  to  do  duty  for  Vulcnn   in  the 

'a     temple     during     an      earlier 

I'.otli  tin-  King  and  liii-i 


nscious  of  the  impropriety 

of  this  arrangement,  and,  when  pray- 

.  ulenn,    they    turned    their 

upon    his     f  .     and 

:i.l.llVSsed      thelllM  '  ihe      other 

k'oils  in  the  gallery. 

linely      when 

he     felt     like     U.  Madame     I.ITVINNi:, 

• 

i  lie  vein.  II.  i  c..n.pl.  \ioii  was 
far  ti«>  many  sha.l.-s  lighter  than  that 
of  her  dusky  Kthiopian  pnpa  i  a  port 
to  W  1.  r-  S\MMM 

distinction).        1'erhaps    her    mother 
was  a  Northerner.  Ethiopian! 

can,    after   all,    undergo  a   change  of 
skin.        I    mi'i  that 

Signer   S \MM\HI.I   crit   out  of   his   as 
soon  as  his  work  \\  Ma. lame 

I'AOI  the   part  of  .4m- 

I    v-.lume    as    the    • 

ing     advanci-d.     and    --In-     did     good 

ill  the   1  .          !']»•>•• 

(with  jrivat   rtspectl  that   it   would   he 
impossible  for  these  two  rival 
to   be   allowed    to    settle    their   differ- 
ences   in    n    welter   trial    ol    strength 
scratch-as-scratch  can.      1  would  e|\e 
a     good     deal     to     a-^ist     at     such     a 

spectacle. 

I    mUSt     helie\e    that     the    grotesque 
Capers   of    the    Nuhian    section    of    the 

liallet  serve  some  useful  purp. 
the  general  scheme  of  local  colour. 
Rut  I  cannot  doubt  that  these  mon- 
key antics,  though  well  meant  and 
dearly  designed  to  have  a  soothing 
effect,  must  have  been  very  irritating 
to  the  Princess  in  her  awful  state  of 
depression.  I  was  not  in  the  least 
surprised  that  she  kept  looking  the 
other  way.  CLEOIVVTUA,  in  similar 
circumstances,  would  have  had  them 
put  to  death  on  the  *pot.  O.  S. 


A   WAHNINi;    To    1  I.KKT 
BTRBBT. 

A  TELEPHONE   Newspaper,   or  rather 
Yaii-miiter.    •  :.tly   I.eeii 

•sed   in    liuda-l'est,   and   its   suli- 
scribers  an-  liable  to  be  rung  i.| 
moment,     and     ha  rial     pro- 

nounceiin  iety     gossip,     and 

chronicles  of  the  world  V  happenings 
communicat'  .1    to    them    ri'r.i    voce. 
What    tlic   cajiital   of    Hungary   does 
•.     we    sup]  I ..  'iidon    will    be 

doing  tin-  day  after  to-morrow,  or,  nt 
any  rate,  the  middle  of  iie\t  week. 
It'is  indeed  a  dreadful  pio;.p.-i-t  in 
store  for  u-=.  with  our  pn 

p. -rating    ty| f    instrument.         We 

grieve  to  think  that,  with  the  march 
of  progress,  our  n-speeted  daily  and 
weekly  contemporaries  are  doomed 
ippear.  but  Mr.  I'unrli  proposes 
to  assist  the  proprietors  to  retain 
their  respective  clnntiles  by  the 


I. 


OCTOBER  23,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


305 


House  Agent  (to  young  married  couple  houte-hunting).  "Tat  PLACE  DOES  HOT  LACK   INTEBEST.    Two  or  rec  FORMER  TENANTS  WERE 

DROWNED   IN  Till!  MOAT." 


adoption  of  titles  akin  to  those  of 
the  superseded  journals.  When  the 
clean  sweep  is  made,  and  the 
"receivers  "  are  in  our  hands — that 
is,  if  we  are  not  all  in  the  hands  of 
the  receivers — here  is  his  list  of  the 
forthcoming  disturbers  of  our  house- 
hold peace.  It  is  to  be  hoped 
that  no  existing  organ  will  feel  itself 
slighted  by  any  liberties  in  the  way 
of  nomenclature. 

The  Whooper  (from  Printing 
House  Square). 

The  Daily  Hello-hello -graph. 

The  Stcntor  (from  Shoe  Lane). 

The  Morning  Agyravator. 

The  Daily  Tclephonicle. 

The  Daily  Wail. 

The  Daily  Expletive. 

The  Morning  Blast. 

The  Afternoon  Call. 

The  Evening  Nuisance. 

The  Night  Howl. 

The  Pell  Yell. 

The  Westminster  Buzzcttc. 

The   Squeaker. 

Tlir  Wrahly  Wheeze  and  Echo. 

With  this  little  lot  in  full  blast  we 
foresee  a  great  time  for  aurists  and 
nerve-doctors.  Mr.  Punch,  however, 
will  still  appeal  to  the  eye — urbi  et 
orbi. 


QUESTION  AND  ANSWER  FROM  ABROAD. 

WHO  has  the  greatest  contempt  for 
the  travelling  Englishman,  marvel- 
ling in  his  heart  that  any  grown 
person  can  be  such  a  fool  as  to 
leave  his  own  cheap  and  excellent 
country  to  sleep  and  eat  expensively 
in  strange  hotels? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

But  who  is  it  that  successfully  die- 
guises  this  contempt? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  begins  by  saying  what  the 
faro  ought  to  be,  and  putting  an  end 
to  strife  ? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

And  who  ends  by  being  apparently 
satisfied  with  a  smaller  tip  than  you 
would  dare  to  offer  your  haughty 
chambermaid,  and  a  tenth  of  what 
you  humbly  lay  at  the  feet  of  the 
head-waiter  who  has  never  spoken  to 
you? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

None  the  less,  who,  without  being 
grasping,  has  a  palm  which  absorbs 
tips  like  a  quicksand? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

And  who  is  probably  richer  than 
his  proprietor? 


The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  has  gold  braid  that  would 
shame  a  field-marshal? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  can  attend  to  six  persons  at 
once  and  never  lose  his  temper? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  always  tells  you  that  your 
letters  want  another  twenty-five  on 
each  ? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

And  who  has  all  the  twenty-fives 
you  want? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  strikes  you  as  being  the  best 
linguist  in  the  world? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

And  who  makes  you  ashamed  of 
being  the  worst? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  is  usually  fat? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

And  never  thin'.' 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  has  never  been  seen  to  arrive, 
and  yet  suddenly  is  there? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 

Who  has  never  been  known  to  go 
to  bed  ? 

The  Hotel  Porter. 


KM 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OOTOBEB  23,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  3/r.  1'unch't  £t<iff  of  Isai-n,;l  Clerk*.) 

I'm:   critic    hath    said    in    his    heart.    "  m    be 

nothing  new  in  the  novels  of  the  y<  U       I       rj   possible 
phase   of   character   has    been    hi.  -ituation 

debated  and  described."     Th<  .inly  not 

unreasonable,   is  discredited    by   i-  UT    I'AKKI  it's 

new  book,  The  tt'earert  (\\n\  11-  has  hit  upon 

a  quite  original  situation,  and  works  it  with  consunn 
art.     He  takes  a  young  Quaker  from  an  English  vil 
and   transplants    him    in    F.L'ypt,    an    honest   man   in    a 
den  of  thieves.     So  far  as  1  r. m. ml»  r.  the  Quaker  has 
never  before  been  brought  in  immediate  contact  and 
inevitable   conflict    with    the    Oriental.      The    ruler   of 
Egypt  finds  in  David  Claridge  a  new  JOSEPH  come  to 
bring  prosperity  to  the  land.     He  forthwith  makes  him 
his  right-hand  man,  displacing  a 
gang  of  officials  marked  by  the 
ordinary  predatory  habits  of  their 
race.       Naturally  the  promotion 
makes     many     deadly,     unscru- 
pulous   enemies    for    the    young 
Quaker,    whose    indifference    to 
baksheesh     is     an     inscrutable 
and  suspicious  mystery.  David's 
adventures    in    pursuit    of    his 
plan   of   raising   the   moral    and 
material  position  of  the   fellah- 
een are  related   with   unflagging 
crispness  and  picturesqueness. 

It  is  a  tale  of  two  countries,  of 
two  races.  From  time  to  time 
the  scene  shifts  from  Cairo  and 
the  Soudan  to  London  and  the 
Quaker  community  at  Hamley. 
An  underplot  reveals  David  as 
the  real  heir  to  an  earldom, 
enjoyed  by  a  younger  brother 
who  has  married  the  woman 
David  loves  and  is  loved  by. 
There  we  touch  the  conven- 
tional, lamented  by  the  anony- 
mous critic  quoted  above.  Sir 
GILBERT  is,  happily,  most  at 
home  in  Egypt  with  the  Egyp- 
modern  English 


tians.      Few 
writers,    none   whose 
curs    to   one    at    the 


: 


THE    DIABOLOPE. 


A  HEW  SPECIES  Or  ANTELOPE  EXPECTED  BUOKTLT   AT 
THE  ZOO. 


name   oc- 
moment,   so 


thoroughly    realise 

Oriental  character  or  describe  it  with  lighter,  more  vivid 
touches.  There  are  many  word  pictures  that  bring  to 
the  reader  afar  the  colour  and  scent  of  the  desert,  the 
movement  of  the  Nile,  the  life  and  noise  of  Cairo. 
The  Weavers  is  one  of  the  best  novels  of  the  year. 

A  minor,  but  striking  originality  is  that  the  'Earl  of 
Eglington,  a  Peer  of  the  Realm,  sits  on  the  Treasury 
Bench  of  the  House  of  Commons,  and  joins  in  debate 
in  the  capacity  of  Under-  Secretary  fur  Foreign  Affairs. 
That  would  be  a  blunder  possibly  excusable  in  a  lady 
novelist.  It  is  amazing  in  one  who  has  f<  T  some 
sat  in  the  House  of  •  -us,  and  is  familiar  with  an 

elementary  condition  of  the  Constitution. 

0  TAW  and  TAVY  be  rivers,  they  be, 

Down  along  Dart  y  moor, 
And  many  'a  the  volk  as  there  yew  'II  zee  — 

Varmer,  and  maid,  and  borr; 
And  prickety  vuzz  she  grew  all  roun', 

Vor  roofin',  and  vodder,  and  vuel, 


.loiiN  TKI:\KNA.  he  *ve  written  en  down 
In  a  huko  called  Furze  the  Cruel. 

Rut  buin'1  M  as  that  name  imply, 

ihe  volk  that  lives  auigh 
in  alw.i  ful  and  sly, 

Like   the   vu/.x   when  ye 'wanders  by  en; 
And  JOHN  h-  I  such  things  as  they  've  did 

What  'ii  i. in'  shi\ 

Zo  he  've  published  en  all  /o  en  shouldn*  be  hid, 
Assisted  by  ALSTON  Hunts. 

I'ut  brutes  hain't  all  what  he  've  took  and  dr 
Though  it  *s  them  what  he  *\e  •.  iiuke  \or; 

's  a  liddle  1<«  a-winin'  through, 

As  purty  as  yew  could  look  v<«r: 
And   (lie   way   he   mives  en  up  and  all — 
Why,  yew  and   him   together. 

Yew   /eem    to   be   down   along 

pay  in'  a  call 
'M'  ite  and 

and  heo' 

In      Laid     up     in     I.ii> 
, .SMITH,       KI.I.KK)       Mr. 
LI  v    Wi. \.\I\N    has    collected    the 
short     stories     with      which      he 
started    his   career.        They    are 
pleasant    reading    to    us    others, 
for    they    show    that    evt  n    the 
men  of  fiction  were  once  as 
we.     Mr.  WKVMA.N  did  not  woke 
up    one    morning    to    wr          : 
Gentleman    of    I'mm-i ,    as    you 
might  suppose.       No,  he 
modestly    with    that    nice    hi  tie 
tale,   The   Colonel's   Boy,   which 
shows  how  that  villain  r<M 
sent       anonymous       let:    i--       to 
Kitty    (with    whom    he    i, 
himself  in  love.     Pah !)  in  order 
to  turn  her  affections   from   her 
fiance,     Jim.      Then     he     \ 
Family     Portraits,     which     tells 
how   the   will   came  out  of   the 
secret    panel,    and    how    Alfred 
Wigram  (dead,  long  dead)  turned 
up  again  with  a  full  beard  and  a 
nasty  scar  under  the  eye      And 
However,  there  are  two  stories  which  I 
mend  unreservedly :   Bab,  which  has  a  vast  amount  of 


so  on. 


truth   in    it, 
Romance. 


and   Gtrnltl, 
In    iitrald, 


which    is 
tale   of   a 


of    the    essence    of 
don    Square, 


:•!    of 
after 


nothing  happens,  but  things  are  on  the 
happening  all  the  time.  I  fancy  that  it 
writing  Gerald,  and  discovering  that  nothing 
happen  in  London,  thai  Mr  WMMVN  left  for  l-i.v 


the 


! 


I.       Al.I.LN     ll.XUhl   |  i 

'  >i    whet:  :ire   Mr.   Miss,  or  Mi 

I   wondered   if   the   J>up|>'  ir  plot 

Would  flounder  through  the  usual  ab\ 
And   talk   the  old   familiar   tommy-rot 
I  crave  your  pardon  !     I   con  do  no   less. 

This  tale  of  yours,  of  love  and  strength   and   beauty, 
//ID  I-'irnt    1.  .   is,   if  I   ins. 

A  man's  for  love  of  truth  and  sense  of  duty, 
A  woman's  for  its  chnrm  and  tendon. 


OCTOBER  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

IN  one  of  her  letters  QUEEN  Vic- 
TIIHIA  wrote  of  the  present  KINO  or 
Tin:  BELGIANS:  "He  must  be  a 
little  love."  This,  of  course,  was 
many  years  ago,  before  ho  hint  heard 


of  tho   Congo, 
boy  now. 


He   is   quite   a   big 


V 


Tho  Alexander  III.  Museum  nt 
St.  Petersburg  has  received  an  order 
not  to  exhibit  a  portrait  of  MAXIM 
fJoHKY.  Miss  GERTIE  MILLAK  and 
the  Misses  DARE  stand  aghast  at  tho 
barbarous  rigour  of  this  punishment, 
which  they  are  happy  to  think  would 


any     civilised 


be      impossible      in 
country. 

V 

EAKL  CARRINGTON, 
Minister  of  Agricul- 
ture and  Fisheries, 
speaking  at  Hull, 
stated  that  he  would 
see  if  the  wish  for  a 
separate  Minister  of 
Fisheries  could  be 
met,  as  every  mem- 
ber of  the  Cabinet 
was  in  favour  of 
"  One  man  one  job." 
We  are  sorry  to  see 
this  hint  of  the 
gradual  Americanisa- 
tion  of  our  public  life. 

V 

Bishop  POTTER  of 
New  York  is  being 
denounced  in  the 
Southern  States  for 
entertaining  at  lun- 
cheon the  negro 
Bishop  FERGUSON.  A 
yet  graver  scandal  is 
that  a  Georgia  negro  has  qualified  for 
a  CARNEGIE  Hero  Fund  medal,  and 

it  has  been  awarded  to  him. 
*  * 

Mr.  THOMAS  A.  EDISON  announces 
that,  as  a  result  of  an  invention 
which  ho  has  perfected,  it  will  be 
possible  shortly  for  every  one  to 
have  a  motor-car.  A  sharp  rise  is 
expected  in  Necropolitans. 

!<  The  progress  of  automobilism," 
Sfcys  the  Paris  correspondent  of  The 
Sunday  Times,  "  is  no  doubt  pre- 
paring the  time  when  the  principal 
use  of  horses  will  be  for  the  dinner 
table.''  "  And  the  same  fate," 
says  an  Irishman,  "  will  no  doubt 
ultimately  befall  motor-cars  when 
they  in  their  turn  are  ousted  by 
flying  machines." 


patient.  The  medical  profession 
is  delighted  at  the  decision,  which 
should  mean  more  business  for 
them,  on  the  snowball  principle. 

*  * 

* 

After  all   the  giant   liner  about  to 
be  built  for  the  Hamburgh-America 

Line  is  to  do  no  more  than  18  knots. 
So  there  will  be  no  rate-cutting  in 
that  quarter. 


*  * 


Is  Diabolo  dangerous?  This  is  a 
question  which  is  exercising  the 
minds  of  many  nervous  persons.  At 
least  one  City  hawker  is  of  the 
opinion  that  it  is.  "  Die  o'blows ! 
A  penny  each.  Die  o'blows!  "  he 
cries. 


liis  choice  each   week,   no  that,   if  hn 
wins,  tlii'  pri/f  may  lie  a  big  ode. 


V 


The  Elephant  (rery  di»yHHted).   "  DASH  THAT  SHORTSIGHTED   FOOL  OF  A  KEEPER  ' 
THAT'S  TUB  GECOKD  TIME  HE'S  PUT  MY  OBUB  AT  THE  WRONG  END!" 


The  tendency  for  the  seasons  to 
get  mixed  up  nowadays  is  astonish- 
ing. Although  the  Silly  Season  is 
over,  a  marrow  measuring  3  ft.  2  ins. 
has,  we  learn  from  The  Express, 
been  picked  in  the  garden  of  Mr. 
SAM  LINES,  of  Redcar. 

V 

It  is  rumoured  that  several  of  the 


It  is  wonderful  how  some  people 
get  on.  An  outfitter  who  arrived 
penniless  in  this  country  from 
Poland  in  180T>  lias  just  failed  for  no 
less  a  sum  than  4'G,<XM). 

*  * 

In  consequence  of  Sir  LAU-I.K 
BRUNTON'S  having  declared  that  (leas 
constitute  a  national  danger,  a  war  of 
extermination  is  feared,  and  many 
of  the  poor  little  mites,  usually  so 
lively,  are  said  to  be  hiding,  panic- 
stricken,  in  out-of-the-way  places. 

We  have  received  from  "  An 
Animal  Ix>ver  "  a  long  letter  cham- 
-  pioning  these  social 
outcasts,  in  which 
he  draws  attention 
to  the  flea's  love  of 
human  society,  and 
points  out  that  in 
their  company  one 
never  has  a  single 

dull   moment. 

*  * 

Miss  GLADYS  Y\\ 
DERBILT,  it  is  an- 
nounced, is  to  be 
married  to  Count 
SZECHENYI  by  no 
fewer  than  three 
ceremonies,  the  first 
of  which  will  be 
performed  by  Mayor 
McCLELLAN,  the  sec- 
ond at  the  Roman 
Catholic  Cathedral, 
and  the  third  at  the 
Protestant  Episcopal 
Church.  This  gives 
one  some  idea  of  the 
enormous  wealth  of  the  bride. 

*  * 
* 

Sad  results  of  tho  American  finan- 
cial crisis  are  reported.  It  is  said 
that  several  multi-millionaires  have 
been  reduced  to  the  ranks  of  mere 


millionaires,  and  that  they  are 

cut  by  their  former  equals,  who  re- 

fuse  to   have    anything   to   do    with 


unsuccessful  competitors  in  a  Limer-   paupers. 
ick  contest  which  had  for  its  object 


the  pushing  of  the  sale  of  a  certain 
cigarette  have,  since  the  announce- 
ment of  the  result,  been  seen 
smoking  a  rival  brand  of  cigarette. 
If  this  be  true,  it  is  a  shocking 
exhibition  of  petty  spite. 
o  * 

One  of  the  most  interesting 
modern  Limerick  competitors  is 
said  to  live  at  Gotham,  in  the  shape 


A  magistrate  has  decided  that  a  of  an  old  gentleman,  who  sends  in 
doctor  may  drive  his  motor-car  at  an  an  immense  quantity  of  last  lines 
excessive  speed  on  his  way  to  see  a  |  (with  postal  orders)  to  the  paper  of 


V 


"  Mr.  HARRY  LAUDF.R,  the  well- 
known  comedian,  and  Mr.  (IEORGE 
FOSTER,  ex-member  of  the  London 
County  Council,  sail  for  America  by 
the  Lticania  to-morrow,"  says  The 
Daily  Mail,  This  seems  a  strange 
combination,  and  reminds  us  of  a 
careless  paragraph  which  appeared 
some  little  time  ago : 

"  DISTINGUISHED    INVALIDS. 

Sir  Henry  Campbell-Bannerman, 
the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  and 
Miss  Marie  Lloyd  are  all  doing  well." 


VOL.   CXXXIII. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBKB  30,  1907. 


TO    AN    AMALGAMATED    PORTER. 

[The  application  of  the  following  line*  will  not  be  aJfecUsl  l>y  any 
ty   wulrinpiit  that   roar  be  arrange)   in   the   pment  railway 
cruu» J 

MI  'ro  of  those  that  l«>\v  the  knee  to  IUi.1., 
Waiting  on  his  command  to  stay  «i 
And  tliis  may  suit  you  U>th  extremely  well. 

You  iiiul  your  god,  hut  what   I   wish  t«>  know- 
Is — Do  you  really  think  a  general  strike 
Is  just  what  /  shdiilil  111.- 

When  with  your  charming  candour  \ou  admit 
A  taste  (like  d<l>ut<iiit,-x\  for  "  coming  out," 

I  may  admire  your  independent  grit, 
But  I  must  also  entertain  a  doubt 

Whether  your  excellent  amalgam  cares 
A  d —  -  for  my  affaire. 

My  stocks  are  falling,  and  their  produce  fails, 
Drooping  to  practically  nil  pi  r  rcnf.. 

And  then   again  your  attitude  entails 
The  risk  of  causing  further  discontent. 

Example: — Should  a  signalman  desert, 
I  might  he  badly  hurt ! 

So  to  my  point.     You  've  put  me  in  the  ti 
A  minute's  task — and  in  the  usual  way 

You  should  have  touched  a  tanner  for  your  pain 
(That  's  thirty  |M>|>  an  hour)— but  not  to-d.v 

To-day,  and  henceforth,  if  I  would  be  w 
I  must  ecoiion.! 

Mind  you,   I  rank  your  service   very   high. 

Nor  grudge   the    pavmcnt,    though   you   pouch    it 

twice; 

(Being  an  Englishman  I  often  buy 
Civil  attentions  at  the  current  pri 
Because  it  seems  that  wages  don't  enibn< 
These  little  acts  of  gra 

But  now,  with  strikes  for  ever  in  the  air, 
The  casual  sixpence  must  be  set  aside 

For  life-insurances,  in  case  I  'm  there 
When  amateur-conducted  trains  collide; 

So  for  the  future,  thanks  to  BELL,  M.P., 
You  get  no  tips  from  me. 


0.  S. 


THE   CLEGGISLATOR. 


AT  a  special  meeting  of  the  Council  of  the  Football 
Association  (Limited — 5  per  cent,  discount  for  cash), 
held  at  High  Holbom  yesterday,  it  was  decided  by  a 
large  majority,  including  Mr.  PICKLEY,  the  well-known 
triple  blue,  Mr.  BENTKORD,  the  famous  international, 
and  the  joint  presidents  Mr.  J.  C.  KINNAIKD  and  Lord 
CLEOO,  to  carry  on  the  boycott  against  the  seceding 
amateurs  with  even  greater  sternness  than  before.  In 
future  any  tradesman  supplying  an  amateur  with 
materials  for  the  game  without  express  permission  from 
Viscount  CLEOO,  will  be  suspended  indefinitely;  while,  if 
the  offence  be  repeated,  he  will  be  severely  reprimanded 
by  his  lordship.  Attention  having  been  called  to  tin- 
fact  that  a  certain  royal  prince  had,  by  taking  up  his 
residence  at  Cambridge,  come  under  the  ban  of  the 
Football  Association,  it  was  unanimously  agreed  that 
Mr.  PICKLEY  should  write  and  warn  him  of  the  serious 
consequences  that  would  ensue  if  he  persisted  in  In- 
defiant  attitude. 

******* 

The  news  that  Earl  CLEOO  had  offered  his  services  as 


arbitrator  in  the   Hallway  dispute   v  .,,1   with   the 

•  nthuMasm  in  financial  circles  last  night.  It  is 
not  yet  known  exactly  how  his  lordship  will  hold  the 
balance  between  the  Directors  and  the  Railway 
Servants;  but  his  preliminary  announcement  Hint  both 
parties  must  first  affiliate  themselves  (•>  tin-  Football 
Association  I  linly  gone  a  long  wa\  towards 

settling  the  unfortnna-  nt. 

******* 

Mr.  OSCAK  Asc  m;  will  have  the  sympathy  of  all  play- 
Cocrs  who  read  the  announcement  this  morning  that 
Marquis  CI.KOI;  hinl  decided  to  withdraw  the  licence 
which  he  recently  granted  for  the  production  of  .!.<  }'„» 
I.iki'  If.  The  Marquis,  having  studied  the  p] 
fully,  has  noted  the  in  which  Tourl, 

credited  with  saying,  "Trip,  Audrey,"  and  in  con 
sequence  he  is  forced  to  the  conclusion  that,  until  l>oth 
Ti'in-lixli'in-  and  Aiiilrry  have  affiliated  themselves  to  the 
Foot  hall  Association,  it  will  be  impossible  for  him  to 
allow  any  further  performances  of  the  comedy  to  take 
place.  This  bears  a  little  hardly  upon  Mr.  As<  UK,  but 
one  would  hesitate  to  say  that  his  lordship  was  ill- 
ad vised.  One  would  hesi'  to  say  such  n  thing 

of  Marquis  Cl 

*  **<-»* 

The    iveei.t     panic    in     Ne«     York     h.e.    1 n    partially 

allayed    by    the   high-minded    conduct    of   a   disinter*  Mi  .1 
Knglishman     no     less    -a     person     indeed     than      Duke 
•  'i.iiici.      On   receipt   of  the   news  of   tin-  disastrous  rush 
upon   the   banks,   his  (Irace   immediately  cabled   over  to 
America,   offering   to  sell   all   the    professionals   belonging 
to    the    Football    Association,    and    to    put    the    i 
i  which     arc    expected    to    amount     to    several     nnlli 
entirely    at    the    disposal    of    tin-    Knickerbocker    Ti 
The    only    stipulation     Dul.-     ClJMO    makes    is    that,     ii> 
ce    with    the    well-known    rule    of    the    Football 
in.  (lie  knickerbocker  must  come  at  least  below 
the  knee. 

*  ***** 

The  letter  which   Archbishop  CI.K<;<;  has  just   given   to 
the    Press    upon    the    vexed    question    of    ti  sed 

Wife's  Sister  will  be  received  with  general  satisfaction 
by  Englishmen  of  all  creeds.  The  Archbishop  holds 
the  scales  evenly  between  the  two  parties  of  Church 
and  State.  His  opinion,  in  fact,  given  nfter  mature 
consideration,  is  that  where  both  the  man  nnd  the 
woman  are  members  of  the  Football  Ass  the 

marriage  may  take  place  with  perfect  propriety,  but 
that  if  one  of  the  contracting  parties  has  neglected  to 
bo  so  affiliated  the  marriage  should  mi  no  account  he 
solemnised.  Archbishop  Cu.oi,  will  greatly  enhance  his 
position  by  this  pronouncement. 

******* 

The  arrangements  for  the  coming  visit  of  His 
Imperial  Majesty  the  KAISI  it  to  this  country  are  now- 
settled.  One  of  the  most  interesting  functions  will  take 
place  at  the  well-known  offices  in  High  Ib.ll.orn,  when.' 
His  Maj.-sly  will  be  presented  by  Mr.  I'liKI.KY  to 
KmpiTor  I'l.i.iiii.  after  which  it  is  said  that  he  will  ha\M 
conferred  upon  him  the  freedom  of  the  Football  Associa- 
tion. This  meeting  of  the  two  Kmperors  is  likel; 
become  historic 

******* 

I. MIU.      Constellation    Ci.i.oi.   has   left    High    Holborn 


for  the   Milky   Way. 


A.  A.  M. 


Si  vsn.u,  is  TIII;  SMUIT  SKT. — All  the  employees  on 
the  C.reat  Central  Kailway  have-  been  asked  whether 
they  are  :n-n  ur  not. 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHAfilVA&t— OoMHtt  .10,  1907. 


THE    SOAP- AND- WATER    CURE. 


n™  ROOSEVELT.    "AS    I    RECENTLY    REMARKED    AT 
XTAT   SIXTKEN    MONTHS  OF  MY  TERM   OF  OFFICE   THIS    POLICY 
UNSWERVINGLY ! ' " 

AMERICAN  EAGLE.  "  JE-HOSHAPHAT !  " 


OCTOBER  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


311 


A    FIND    IN    THE    NEW   STYLE. 

A  SUMMONS  HAS  BEEN  SERVED  ON  A  WELL-KNOWN  M.  F.  H.  m  LEICESTERSHIRE  FOR  NOT  HAVING  COLLARS  ON  HIS  PACK  OF  HOUNDS,  WITH 
OWNER'S  NAME  AND  ADDRESS  ENGRAVED  THEREON.  WE  VENTURE  TO  MAKE  A  FURTHER  SUGGESTION.  ALL  ROUNDS  MUST  BE  MUZZLED  AND  LTD  OH 
A  CHAIN  WHILE  HUNTING. 


MULTUM  IN  PARVO. 

THE  advertisement  of  "  The  Clock 
that  Boils  Water,  wakes  you,  lights 
lamp,  boils  one  pint  of  water,  pours 
out,  puts  out  lamp,  and  sounds 
gong  when  tea  is  ready,  without 
human  aid,"  is  only  the  first  an- 
nouncement of  the  numerous  useful 
and  compendious  inventions  which 
are  likely  to  come  before  the  public 
in  this  age  of  enlightenment  and 
Radio-activity  and  Sir  OLIVER 
LODGE.  In  this  connection  we  are 
able  to  mention  several  combinations 
of  the  same  kind,  which  struck  us  as 
especially  adapted  to  the  public's 
needs. 

The  Bookcase  that  Ventilates, 
stops  revolving  when  book  is  wanted, 
hands  it,  or  if  it  is  a  volume  of  The 
Times  Encyclopedia  throws  it  at 
you,  puts  in  paper-knife  at  right 
place,  prevents  snoring,  marks  where 
you  leave  off,  replaces  book,  and 
starts  revolving  again  without 
human  aid;  provides  excellent  venti- 
lation for  any  room  in  which  it  is 
found. 

The  Scraper  that  Barks,  for  use 
outside  front-door,  made  in  shape  of 


nousedog,  retriever,  setter,  New- 
.'oundland,  Great  St.  Bernard,  as  per 
size  required ;  barks  when  foot  is 
placed  on  it,  once  for  laymen,  twir>' 
for  clergymen,  three  times,  with 
growl,  for  duns,  shows  teeth  to 
scrape  boots,  wipes  same  with  tail, 
lets  go  foot  when  door  is  answered, 
keeps  bell  ringing  till  then,  without 
human  aid.  In  ordering,  average 
size  of  visitors'  feet  should  be  given. 

The  Egg-cup  that  Calls  a  Cab,  in- 
valuable for  man  of  business,  makes 
eggs  fresh,  boils  as  desired,  opens, 
extracts  chicken  where  necessary, 
savours  with  salt  and  pepper,  tucks 
napldn  under  chin,  feeds  you,  turns 
pages  of  morning  paper,  spreads 
bread  and  marmalade  to  follow,  and 
whistles  for  four-wheeler,  hansom,  or 
taximo,  without  human  aid. 

The  Pulpit  that  Intones,  locks 
doors  of  church  when  mounted  by 
preacher,  turns  down  lights,  starts 
electric  shock  along  seats  of  all  pews 
so  that  attention  is  fixed,  gives  note 
for  intonation,  renews  note  twice 
during  sermon,  induces  appropriate 
gesticulation,  announces  final  hymn 
at  end  of  ten  minutes,  and  dismisses 
preacher,  without  human  aid. 


NEEDLES  AND  NERVES. 

["Placidity,  restfulncsa,  patience  belong  to 
the  plier  of  the  needle  :  there  m  nothing  like  it 
as  a  nerve-ioother."  -The 


WHKN    Mother    marks    the    haughty 

DOM 
Of  MARY  JANE,  she  simply  sews; 

And  household  hitches 
Are  swallowed  up  in  satin-stitches. 

When  Father  finds  the  Fates  malign, 
And  almost  is  induced  to  dine 

On  prussic  acid, 
He  crochets  till  his  mind  is  placid. 

When  Auntie  suffers  from  the  sting 
Of  spinsterhood  or  anything 

That  once  annoyed  her, 
She  now  commences  to  embroider. 

And  when  I  miss  a  two-inch  putt, 
I  don't  observe  "Oh  -     -  it,"  but, 

Ere  I  have  said  it, 
I  take  a  needle  out  and  thread  it. 

"Books  which  have  influenced  me." 
"  Grandpa   and   the   Alhambra.     By  A.  F. 
Calvert." 

THIS,  however,  is  not  the  moral 
story  it  appears  to  be,  but  The  Daily 
News  version  of  Mr.  CALVERT'S 
Granada  and  the  Alhambra." 


312 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


'"     •>,:  :.". 


WHITECROSS    VALE. 

THIS  was  n  run  I  well  remember 

On  the  glorious  lirst  of  a   f:ir  No\cm: 

A  light  mist  curled  in  tin-  Antunin  nlr, 

i  »  watery  sun  gleamed  thin  and  pale ; 
And  nil  of  us  null-  l<>  our  stations  wli. 
The  covert  nestled  in  Wh  ',  all-. 

It  was  "  JACK,  it's  jolly  to  sec  you  out  : 
Your  health,  ol.l  fellow  !      How  BMI  tlu-  gout"  " 
Or  "  I>UK.   I  'in  dashed  if  it  isn't   1  >l<  K. 
And  DICK'S  old  (lea-bitten,  hog-maned  gr. 
Or  "  HAKUV.  I  hop,-  \..,i  mean  to  stick 
Aa  tight  to  the  tail  of  the  hounds  to-day 
As  you  stuck  to  the  brook  and  its  bank  of  clay. 
Oh,  I  had  to  laugh  when  I  saw  you  paddle. 
While  your  horse  went  on  with  an  empty  saddle. " 
In  fact  we  hud  all  the  jests  and  greetings 
That  mark  these  first  of  November  meetings. 
Now  Whitecrow  covert  has  earned  a  name 
For  holding  a  fox,  and  it 's  still  the  same. 

There  'a  a  queer  rough  rhyme 

of  the  ancient  time 

\Vhieh  the  jolly  old  farmers  shout  and  sing, 
And  it  goes  with  a  kind  of  hunting  swing : 

"  Old  NOAH  came  to  land,  sir, 

One  day  in  Whitecross  Vale; 

He  'd  a  pigeon  in  his  hand,  sir, 

\Vitli  some  salt   upon  its  tail, 

And  the  pigeon  told  him  secrets  that  day  in  \Yhilecrors 
Vale. 

He  said,  '  This  here  's  as  pretty 

A  place  as  any  be : 
It  isn't  near  the  city  ; 

It  isn't  near  the  sea; 
It  'a  as  good  a  place  for  foxes  as  any  place  can  be.' 

So  he  took  them  from  their  bo 

And  he  put  them  in  the  bog — 
A  brace  of  bushy  foxes, 

A  vixen  and  a  dog; 

And  the  trees  began  to  sprout  there  and  cover  up  the 
bog. 

They  didn't  get  no  thinner, 

And  reared  a  family. 
They  gave  them  fowls  for  dinner, 

And  ducklings  for  their  tea. 
And  when  they  both  departed  they  left  their  family. 

So,  since  the  flood  declined  there, 

And  NOAH  went  away, 
You  're  always-sure  to  find  th- 

And  there  you  '11  find  to-day ; 

And  won't  he  make  you  gallop  when  once  he  breaks 
away!  " 

So  much  for  the  Ark — 
But  hark,  hark,  hark! 
That  's  Melody's  music,  well  I  know. 
There  's  a  hustle  and  bustle  through  the  bushes 
Where  the  pack  in  its  ardour  thrusts  and  push, •* 
In  \V bite-cross  Vale  where  the  bushes  grow. 
And  now  with  a  forty-power  lung, 
Listen,  the  pack  is  giving  tongue. 
And,  yoick  !  he  '»  out  at  the  farther  side  I 
He  'M  out,  he  'H  out. 

•  I  heard  the  shout; 
So  it  's  up  with  your  heart,  my  son,  and  ride. 

It  isn't  a  mile 

To  the  stiff-built  stile. 


•   horse  and  lift  him  over 
ind  in  a  field  that  once  was  clo\(  r. 
,.  lo,  on  the  slope  you  s.-e  them  streaming, 
\\  hid-  the  thin  pale  sun  through  the  mist  is  gleaming 
II'  re  and  there  on  the  scarl'  • 
And  the  music  t' 

:i  tiie  hounds'  full  tin 
In  a  rattling  chorus  of  joyous  notes. 

Lightly  o\er  the  post  and  ra 

.M, I  a  d".  :  nU. 

And  see  how   a  lady  holds  the  lead 
On  a  thoroughbred  built  for  a  turn  of  speed. 
She  '*  m:ide  for  the  horse,  and  he  for  her. 
And  there  's  never  a  touch  of  ci..p  ..r  -pur. 
An   airy   figure   she   sails   alot 
Ahead  of  the  red-coat  riding  throi 
Steady,  oh,  steady,  through  the  plough, 
O\er  the  bank  and  ditch  ;  and  now 
There  's  a  str.-tch  of  grass  with  a  hedi.fe  that  hounds  it; 

But  you  clear  the  fence, 

Though  it  's  hidi  and  del 

And  fast  and  faster 

You  follow  the  M 
As  he  lifts  his  beckoning  horn  and  sounds  it. 

There  's  mud  on  the  i 

Of   J>n  K.   and  .1  \i  K 
Has  managed  to  crumple  a  l.nu  d  i 

It  had  once  liceli   high,   but   he   Weals  it    llat. 
And  it  's  bellows  to  mend  for  more  than  • 
Who  lag  in   the  rear  of  the   mighty   run. 
But  the  trim-built   lady  is  still  in  front 
Of  the  eager,  galloping,  panting  bunt. 

Sixty  minutes  \ve  rode  and  more. 
And  at  last  in  the  sight  of  a  bure  half  -s, 
The  wreck  of  the  host  who  had  n  •  r 
In  Whitecross  Vale  in  the  misty  wvati 
At  the  foot  of  a  hill  his  force  was  sp< 
And  the  hounds  were  on  him  and  down  he  went. 
B.C.L. 

WK  hope  our  readers  have  not  forgotten  tin-  uncom- 
pleted Swanage  Limerick  which  we  printed  last  week. 
The  first  four  lines  were: 

I.iily  Charlotte  dreaded  the  winter 
Which  in  England  flu-  Raid  was  w>  bitter, 
Kut  her  maid  said,  Madam,  that  'a  not  BO 
If  to  Snranage  you  '11  go  ... 

Among  the  final  lines  "  very  highly  commended  "  wo 
feel  bound  to  call  attention  to — 

"  You  will  think  you  are  wintering  it. 

the  author  of  whi.  I                to  have  caught  tin-  spirit  of 
the  thing  exactly. 

Our  Feuilleton. 
(Nore. — You  run  Isijin  Ilii*  tii-dtiy.) 
Cn.  I'XXXIX.  'Fi:"M  lin 

"(Urigid   coming  in.      William  is  down  in  ll.c  <-..nnr  \MI!I   ' 
in  his  mouth,  trying  to  get  sinnlc  out  .  f  it  and  it  f.n!  <  liini  to  d 
William:    Bad  lack  l.i  ihf   visiting,  if  it   wouldn't   bo  Miinll  i 
you  to  be  ashamed  of  yourwlf  ,    <•:>   \<>ur   t»'i   Im-Is   waiting  sinoa 
Hi'  ruing. 

Hrici'l  :  Indred,  'tis  often  it  profiled  you  for  me  to  go  thru-  :md  il.m't 
!»•  bothering  me. 

Williiim  :    Titu't  much   I  <•  md  don't  t»  it 

i-       I 'iiiiiig  l! .r  t.ilk  who  should  conn-  in  but  Kato./'      A'i/iAir<-  nlfrrrtr. 
(To  be  eonlintinl  /rum  tome  other  TaPfr-) 

"The  Peace  Conference  started  ivcll.  :n..l  :it  ..:,.•  time  it  seemed 
lo  be  making  uti*.r 

r;ifilf  1 1,  nl 'if  Journal. 

MOSTLY  backwards  and  sidewa\s  unfortunately. 


WITH  TEDDY  IN  TENNESSEE; 

on,  TIIK  DIARY  OF  A  IIUSTIJin's  HOLIDAY. 
[11'i/A  acknowledgments  to  "  The  Daily  Mail."] 

Monday,  October  14.—  Aroused  by 
the  PRESIDENT  at  4.30  a.m.  for  u  bathe 
in  Bear  Lake.  After  bathe,  Swedish 
gymnastics  and  races  on  the  ice. 
Breakfast  at  6.30  off  squirrel,  wild- 
cat, and  hot  barley-water.  Bear- 
hunting  in  the  cane  brakes  from  eight 
to  4.30  p.m.  with  forty  dogs,  twenty 
in^ro  trackers,  and  three  Anglican 
bishops.  Day's  bag  includes  three 
bears,  twelve  squirrels,  one  wild 
bustard,  ten  prairie  oysters,  one 
Bombay  duck,  thirteen  wild-cats, 
and  one  Anglican  bishop.  On  the 
PRESIDENT'S  grassing  his  first  bear  a 
negro  tracker  observed,  "  You  're  no 
tenderfoot,  Mr.  PUESIDENT,"  and 
was  promptly  rewarded  with  a  20- 
dollar  note.  Grent  hunt  dinner  at 
5.30  given  to  the  PUESIDENT  by  the 
inhabitants  of  Bombay  (Tennessee), 
who  between  the  courses  decide  to 
alter  the  name  of  the  town  to  Teddy- 
ville.  At  the  PKKSIDEXT'S  suggestion 
a  telegram  announcing  the  change  is 
dispatched  to  Sir  GEORGE  CLARKE, 
the  new  Governor  of  Bombay 
(India). 

Tuesday,  October  15. ~ Single-stick 
tournament  in  camp.  President 
ROOSEVELT  defeats  all  comers.  Depu- 
tation from  the  inhabitants  of  Con- 
stantinople (Tennessee),  asking  to  be 
allowed  to  change  the  name  of  this 
city  to  Presidentia.  Mr.  ROOSEVELT 
graciously  acquiesces  and  wires  the 
news  to  the  SULTAN.  In  the  after- 
noon the  PRESIDENT  goes  pickerel- 
spearing  with  Anglican  bishops,  and 
brings  home  three  pickerel,  six  wom- 
bats, seventeen  larks,  ten  owls,  one 
lizard,  and  three  mugwumps.  When 
the  PRESIDENT  shot  his  first  owl  it  is 
said  that  a  negro  tracker  observed, 
'  You  're  a  peach,  Mr.  PRESIDENT," 
and  was  promptly  presented  with  a 
diamond  pin.  Anglican  bishop  asks 
during  the  courses  of  dinner  to  be 
allowed  to  change  the  name  of  his 
bishopric  to  Theodorchester.  PRESI- 
DENT graciously  consents,  declaring 
that  he  was  the  happiest  man  alive, 
and  adding  that  he  found  lizard  flesh 
the  best  of  all  dishes,  excepting  wild- 
cat's gizzard.  After  dinner,  songs 
round  the  camp  fire,  the  PRESIDENT 
leading  the  choruses  in  a  rich  fal- 
setto. 

Wednesday,  October  16. — Wild-cat 
stalking  with  the  PRESIDENT  before 
breakfast.  PRESIDENT  entertained  to 
a  great  hunt  breakfast  by  the  inhabi- 
tants of  Edinburgh  (Tennessee). 
During  the  progress  of  the  entertain- 


Jones  (miecalcnlaliny  length  of  train,  and  jumping  off  villtdiffirully).  "SoBtT— I  IF.1LLT  — 
BKO  YOUR  PARDON!  " 

A/188  Beauchamp.  "  CONCEDED  !  " 


ment  the  inhabitants  unanimously 
resolve  to  change  the  name  of  the 
own  to  Teddyburgh.  The  PRESIDENT, 
n  responding  to  the  toast  of  his 
lealth,  says  that  this  is  the  proudest 
noment  of  his  life,  adding  that  in 
lis  opinion  wild-cat's  liver  is  the 
jest  dish  in  the  world,  always  ex- 
epting  curried  mongoose.  After 
)reakfast  Mr.  ROOSEVELT,  at  the 
lead  of  a  cavalcade  of  fifty  horse- 
men, gallops  back  to  the  camp  and 
ilays  diabolo  till  sundown  with  Pro- 
essor  ORELLO  CONE. 

Thursday,     October     17.  —  While 
>athing  in  Bear  Lake,  PRESIDENT  at- 
acked  by  wild-cats  and  rescued  by  a 
dog-fish.    A  quiet  morning.    The  PRE- 
SIDENT goes  squirrel-hunting  in  the 


bent  woods  and  shoots  three  squir- 
rels, two  Tammany  tigers,  eleven 
tortoises,  seven  bobolinks,  and  one 
robin  redbreast. 

Friday,  October  18. — Ice  polo  ont 
Bear  Lake  before  breakfast.  The 
PRESIDENT  unhorses  two  Anglican 
Bishops.  From  9  to  12  cow-punch- 
ing on  the  prairie.  During  lunch 
deputation  arrives  from  the  inhabi- 
tants of  Teddy ville  (formerly  Bom- 
bay, Tennessee),  asking  permission 
to  change  the  name  of  their  town  to; 
Cortelyou,  on  the  ground  that  the 
strain  of  living  up  to  their  present 
appellation  is  too  great.  Painful 
scene.  The  PRESIDENT  speaks  for 
three  hours.  Flight  of  Anglican 
bishops.  Camp  breaks  up. 


314 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  .'H  UN  17. 


THK    IMPosToK. 

^H  uH  all  Arfrrrntt  lo  tltf  popular  Mmtthlitf.) 

TIIKKK  were  three  things  about  tlio 
man  that  made  I  t  him  of 

being   an    r-caped    convict.        In    the 
place,     keen     magazine     reader 
that    sin-  knew    that    most 

•  -  iti  country  lanes  after 
t.  ii  o'clock  P.M.  are  cither  aristo- 
cratic burglars  or  c-cnpcd  convicts. 
Ill  the  second  place,  there  was  micli 
a  lot  of  arrows  on  his  suit.  In  the 
third  place,  he  said  he  \v.v 
onvict. 

"  I  believe  in  your  innocence,"  sho 
said  impulsively,  taking  his  unwilling 
hand  in  here.  "  But  tell  me  your 
story." 

a  convict  he  seemed  strangely 
unwilling  to  talk  about  himself, 
oddly  loth  to  talk  about  anything  at 
all.  '  If  the  truth  must  be  told.  In- 
seemed  almost  impatient  to  be  doing 
something  else,  to  be  going  on  escap- 
ing, perhaps.  Bit  by  bit,  ho\v.\.r. 
she  wormed  out  of  him  the  sad  tale 
of  his  suffering  and  injustice.  V  . 
ho  had  started  on  the  downward  path 
by  gambling.  Sometimes  he  had 
won,  but  more  often  he  had  lost, 
until  he  had  been  forced,  in  order  to 
recoup  himself,  to  make  a  last 
plunge.  With  every  prospect  of  suc- 
cess he  had  plumped  for  red.  For 
a  week  the  sunset  had  been  red ;  his 
deceased  mother's  hair  had  been  red ; 
and  a  voice  seemed  to  be  saying  to 
him,  "Red,  you  fool,  RED! 
Nevertheless  it  had  turned  out  to  be 
black,  and  the  result  of  listening  to 
a  voice  which  was  not  really  there 
was  that  he  owed  more  than  he  could 
ever  hope  to  repay.  Yes,  he  had  then 
stolen  from  the  till.  NO,  he  had 
not  been  found  out  that  time.  NO, 
he  had  not  even  been  sorry.  In  fact 
he  was  only  too  pleased  to  have  dis- 
covered a  way  of  fretting  money  with- 
out having  to  work  for  it.  But  what 
the  something  was  her  game? 

"  And  did  your  unkind  employers 
find  you  out  and  ruthlessly  dismiss 
voj?  "  she  hsked,  gazing  at  him  with 
infinite  pity  but  gently  ignoring  his 
irrelevant  question.  He  had  been 
found  out,  but  had  been  given 
another  chance.  The  money  had  con- 
tinued to  disappear,  however,  and 
he  had  been  again  susp.-.  • 

"How  cruel  1  "  she  cried  indig- 
nantly .  "  And  who  had  really  been 
taking  it?  " 

"  Me,"  answered  the  B.C.  with 
engaging  brevity.  " 

"  I>id  your  hrutal  employers  call 
in  the  police?^'  she  interrupted. 


Look    'ere  '  "   said   the    K  <'  ,    re- 
collecting his  irritation  and  suspicion, 
dear,    1   urn    looking.      Hut 

.lid       tl: 

Oddly  fiiiuigli,  that  wa--  exactly 
what  had  happened,  and  tin-  most 
curious  thing  about  it  was  that  there 
was  no  .Junior  Partner  who,  being 
fonder  of  the  Turf  than  of  the  ollice. 
had  really  heen  the  culprit  and, 
therefore,  the  lending  spirit  in  secur- 
ing a  conviction  Foolish  though  it 
might  sound,  his  employers  were 
merely  a  Limited  Company  and  the 
police  had  conducted  the  prosecution. 
Lastly,  saddest  and  most  unj.. 
all,  nan  was  not  in  the  whole  jury 
one  reformed  and  humanitarian  ex- 
murderer  who  had  ins:-t.,|  on  an 
acquittal. 

"  I>id  you  never —      "  she  h. ran. 

"  Oh,  chuck  it  !  "  said  her  victim, 
with  a  futile  attempt  I  from 

t  he  tyranny  of  this  <••.-•  »-s  examimition. 

"  1  »id  you  never,"  she  pursued 
with  that  patient  and  feminine  per- 
sistence which  no  man  has  ever  suc- 
cessfully withstood — "did  you  never 
tell  the  prison  chaplain  that  you 
were  innocent?  " 

Yes,  he  did,  scores  of  times.  And 
did  the  chaplain  not  believe  him. 
did  the  chaplain  dare  to  doubt  his 
word'.'  Yes,  the  chaplain  had  even 
gone  as  far  as  that 

"  Harsh  man!  "  she  whispered  in 

her    softest    voico,     with    glistening 

"  But  1  believe  in  you,  KKIC." 

"  Thank  *ee,"  he  answered  shortly. 
"  My  name  's  SAM." 

"  I  hdieve  in  you,  SAM,  and  I 
love  you.  /  will  stand  by  you,  and 
in  spite  of  the  wicked  world  you  shall 
become  rich  and  famous  and  your- 
self the  successful  rival  of  that 
dastardly  Limited  Company." 

So  saying  she  took  both  his  hands 
in  hers. 

"  Oo  are  yer  gettin'  at?  "  said  he, 
as,  goaded  at  lust  to  active  resist- 
ance, he  quickly  removed  the  right 
hand  which  carried  the  life-preserver. 

"  SAM,  dearest,"  she  smiled 
through  her  tears,  "  I  am  offering 
you  my  love." 

"Thank  Ve  again,"  said  he,  in  a 
voice  thick  with  long-suppressed 
emotion,  ^  but  I  'd  sooner  'ave  yer 
watch." 

The    fact    that    he    thereupon    felled 
bo  the  ground  and  made 
off  not  only  with  her  watch  hut  with 
all  her  valuables  can   leave  no  doubt 
in   the  minds  of  diliuvnt    and   sincere 
readers   of   our    Monthly    Illustrated 
,'ines    that    he   was    not    a    real 
crimiual    at    nil,    hut    nothing    i 
than   a   I"  a-tlv   cad. 


\vini.i:  y«»r   EAT. 

MHN  llllllllf  K|'.I  rtisillg 

liia  wurrs  by  dim  • 

wi'iit-H    -nttnuiit 
I  •  t    Mr   I'  inch  anl 

]Hiui|iMii-o  nf  »   Hriliitli    '  i-   whiMi   Uiix 

agreeable    method    of    uproatli;  K   mf  •:• 
become*  common.] 

\\\     I-KMl     Silt.       I     take     a     l.-inler, 
perhaps   I  may  iliar,   im 

in  your  son  AI.IIKKT,  perceiving  as  I 
do  in  him  faculties  which,  under 
careful  intellectual  guidance,  will 
make  him  a  credit  alike  to  his 
parents  and  instruct. 

It    is   therefore    with    pleasure   that 
1  inform  you  that  his  progress  during 

ist  term  has  been  n 
factory.  His  capacity  for  assimilat- 
ing knowledge  in  solid  form  is  extra- 
ordinary. It  may  he  said  of  him 
that  he  always  aims  at  the  bull 
and  ects  there.  I  have  seen  him  de- 
vouring a  (gingerbread  i  prohibition 
of  Kuclid  with  an  intensity  ama/.ing 
in  one  so  young.  The  enthusiasm 
with  which  he  regarded  a  representa- 
tion of  th  MI  of  Lady  .I.\M. 

(iRKV    ill    butterscotch    gtl\e    me    i 

those  rare  thrills  of  joy  which  com- 
pensate a  pedagogue  for  much  dreary- 
toil.  Lest  you  should  too  hastily 
assume  that  AI.IIKKT'S  devotion  t<> 
solid  learning  has  damaged  his 
health.  I  may  say  that  our  school 
motto  is  "  Ml  na  x'lini  in  cor/mrt* 
unnii  "  (which,  as  you  are  doubtless 
aware,  signifies  "  a  sound  mind  in  a 
sound  Ixxly  ").  I  might  also  add 
that  diirinu1  this  term  his  weight  has 
increased  by  no  less  than  twenty- 
pounds. 

I  enclose  the  bill  for  the  term,  and 
•  remain, 
Yours  sincerely, 

.1        I'll'MMIKV     I)\l.)'.s 
(CorreS{K>ndi!iL.'    Member  of   the 

College  of  I1- 
Th»»i<i*    \\~ill;in*.    b'.tq. 

Mv  m:AU  SIK.  I  take  a  tender, 
perhaps  I  may  say  peculiar,  int 
in  your  son  \\'II.I.IAM,  perceiving  as  I 
do  in  him  faculties  which,  u 
careful  intellectual  guidance,  will 
make  him  a  credit  alike  to  his  parents 
and  instructors.  It  is  therefore  with 
pain  that  I  inform  you  that  his  pro- 
during  the  past  (ei  m  has  been 
most  unsatisfactory.  I  am  not  one 
of  those  who  depreciate  healthy 
recreation.  "  Minx  xinin  in  mr/iorr 
.s.nie  "  (which,  as  you  are  doubtless 
aware,  signiti.  .nd  mind  in  u 

sound   body  "|  is  the  motto  of  Stuff- 
ham     Academy.       Hut     an     unwhole- 
some   love    of    sport     seems    to    ha\e 
obscured  higher  intellectual  int. 
in  the  mind  of  your  son.     Under  the 


Ooronnit  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Irritated  Hansom  Cabby  (to  gentleman  irho  for  the  last  ten  mimifc*  hat  been  iMMng—in  tenet  of  three -for  a  taximeter  cot)       "  TUT 

.  FOVR  WHISTLES,   OUV'NOR,  AND   p'BAPS  YOU  'LL  GET  A   AIR-SHIP." 


pretence  of  "  keeping  fit  "  he  neg- 
lects the  educational  advantages 
placed  before  him.  He  declined  to 
partuke  of  a  map  (in  chocolate)  of 
the  Great  Sahara,  with  insertions  of 
liquorice  to  mark  caravan  routes,  and 
peppermint  drops  to  represent  oases. 
And  on  an  ingenious  representation 
of  the  Gunpowder  Plot  (in  toffee) 
being  placed  before  him  he  expressed 
an  aversion  to  "  being  crammed." 
Such  gross  disregard  of  the  almost 
parental  care  of  his  preceptor  could 
scarcely  be  overlooked.  When,  in 
addition,  at  our  mid-day  meal  he 
asked  impertinently  if  his  portion  of 
the  succulent  and  nourishing  dish 
known  ns  hash  represented  anything 
in  the  history  of  the  Ancient 
Britons,  I  was  compelled  to  tak'.- 
trong  measures.  I  used  the  rod 
with  what  I  might  describe  as  loving 
vigour. 

I  enclose  the  bill  for  the  term,  and 
beg  to  remain, 

Yours  sincerely, 

J.  FLUMMEKY  DABBS 
(Corresponding  Member  of  the 
College  of  Preceptors). 

Samuel  Smithcrs,  Esq. 


CONCRETE  EXAMPLES. 
[Mr.  EDISON  has  re-invented  an  old  methot 
of  building  houses.  Liquid  cement  is  pourec 
into  iron  moulds,  and  when  the  cement  sets  the 
moulds  can  be  taken  away,  leaving  a  strong 
building.  A  three-storey  house  can  be  built  it 
24  hours  at  a  cost  of  £200.] 

MR.  EDISON'S  announcement, 
while  paralysing  the  building  trades, 
has  stimulated  activity  in  other 
quarters. 

The  more  extravagant  party  in  the 
London  County  Council  talk  of  lay- 
ing liquid-cement  mains  in  suburban 
London.  It  would  be  a  great  boon, 
they  argue,  to  the  ratepayer  to  be 
able  to  turn  on  the  ce^nent,  just  113 
nowadays  he  turns  on  the  water  for 
the  ^aiden  hose.  If  unexpected 
guests  come  for  whom  there  is  no 
room  in  the  house,  if  a  fowl-house  or 
dog-kennel  should  be  required,  if  the 
householder  has  ambitions  towards  a 
billiard-room,  if  a  porch  or  conser- 
vatory, or  even  a  summer-house, 
should  need  to  be  built,  if  the  roof 
begins  to  leak  in  a  storm,  or  (as  in 
some  cases  it  has  done)  becomes 
restless,  if  the  garden  wall  must  be, 
raised  to  keep  next-door  from  staring 
— in  fifty  different  emergencies  a 


ratepayer  would  find  an  ever-ready 
supply  of  liquid  cement  most  useful'. 
All  he  would  have  to  do  would  be  to 
send  down  to  the  local  ironmonger 
for  the  moulds,  stick  them  up,  and 
then  leave  the  tup  running  into 
them,  with  perhaps  the  youngest  boy 
to  keep  an  eye"  on  it. 

We  should  like  to  suggest  that  the 
eei i ii -i it  tap  ought  to  be  coloured  red, 
so  that  it  be  not  confused  with  the 
water  tap.  Cement,  however  liquid, 
is  not  a  good  thing  to  water  the 
garden  with  or  to  boil  the  potatoes 
in. 

A  noble  lord  who  is  an  intimate 
friend  of  ours  informs  us  that  peers 
generally  welcome  Mr.  EDISON'S  in- 
vention. They  feel  they  can  now 
snap  their  fingers  at  Sir  HKNRY 
CAMPBF.LL-BANNERMAN.  .  What  if  he 
does  abolish  the  House  of  Lords, 
they  say.  With  Mr.  EDISON'S  help 
they  can  build  a  new  one  any  week- 
end.   

"  The  tern  has  deserted  us  as  a  breeding 
pecies." — Manchester  Guardian. 

THIS    ungrateful    bird    should    re- 


member    that    one 
serves  another. 


good    tern    de-  i 


316 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


JUDGMENT. 

Elder  (ditetuiitfj  tia  ne\e  Minister'*  probation  dineourte).   "  In    HT    orEEKioN    HE    WAKNA 

JURTiriED  I*  OIVIblMU  FOLK  INTO  THE  CHEEP  AKD  THE  GOATS.  I  WAI'SA  JfST  BAY.  JAMIE,  THAT 
/  WAS  AMOSO  THE  CKCO  CCID,  AN'  1  WADHA  8AT  THAT  YOO  WERE  AMOXO  THK  I  Xeu  BAD.  So  WUAI 
DO  WE  COME  IN?  HE'LL  HO  DO  FO1  CS,  JAMIE.  WE'LL  KO  VOTE  FOR  HIM." 


WISE,    WITTY,    AND    TENDER 
SAYINGS  OF  THE  WEEK. 

WILL  THF.KK  BE  A  STRIKE? 

IP  the  Hallway  Directors  persist  in 
their  uncompromising  attitude,  and 
the  verdict  of  the  men's  ballot  is 
hostile,  the  chances  of  a  pacific  set- 
tlement will  In-  />rc>  tuntii  impaired. 
— linihj  Query. 

THK   NEED  or  THK   WORLD. 

The  world  is  demanding  some- 
thing new  every  minute,  and  it  is 
turning  to  those  who  will  supply  it. 
It  is  a  wise  old  world. — Mnrning 
Wonder. 


MR.  T.  PAYBOX'S  DKFIMTION  OF  AN 
IDIOT. 

Any  man  who  cannot  afford  a 
motor,  and  yet  does  not  borrow  one, 
must  to  my  mind  bo  little  short  of 

an  imlx'cile.     Mit.  T.   I'uso.s.  M.I'., 
in  1.0.1  . 

I  >1  VI 

There  are  already  indications  that 
Diabolo  has  caught  on.  In  view  of 
the  derivation  of  the  word,  this  fact 
must  be  taken  as  conclusive  evidence 
of  the  enduring  vitality  of  the 
classics.— MR  I.MKIS.K  CROOK,  in 


.!.\M>'S     I'lKI.MI  s|- 

We  need  ne\.r  despair  of  tl- 

pulilif.  of      letters      so      lone      as      the 

11  firo    of     Mr.     II  M.I.    ( 

genius  Ida/es    from    tin-    suiiiiuit     of 

(Ir.-'l'i  Cusll,-.      '/'/',,•     Mmif     Ailrir- 

Si  M  I   -\!l  N       \s      S\IoK 

Mr.  AsgriTll,  lik.-  tli.-  I...RI>  dl\s 

..   sinnlci-s   :i   ]ii|"'.        Mr.   .Ions 

MORI.KV.    on    tli«'    other    hand.    c"ii- 

siiini-i      a      ^ri'jit      inaiiy      i-i^'arrttcs. 

••mk.-s    tin  in    oiitdiKirs.    ami    lie 

smok'"i   tin-in    at    work    at    the    India 

Oilier.  Mr.        I'.M.KoIR       sllH)k. 

niirL'liili'-,     but     tin-     I'KIMK    Mis 

llH--    lit-i-ll    ohliu'-'d    to    f,'ivr    ll|i    SlnokillU' 
sinrr     lie    i-iiil  ,     his    crusiidi- 

against        tin-       Lords.        "  < '  \l.i«,ri.\ 
TIIKK,"  in  Thf   liritinh  TV.ir/;/. 

<>rU     (ill'TKIl     (iciVKHNMKNT. 

lilood    is    tliii-krr   tliiin    wiid-r,    lint 

liniins     arr,     aftrr    all,     ln-ttiT     than 

blood  in  drilling  with  tin-  a  flairs  of  a 

country      and  pin-.  —  -lAmjil- 

g?i  \>irs. 

Wn 

Tho  fact  that  liirinin^'hain's  Imths 
have  had  ll'J.OfKi  fi-uiT  li:itln-rs  this 
suiiiinrr.  r.-pri  --,  ntiiiL-  a  IONS  i,f  aKoiit 
£1,01X1  in  income.  •  !„•  mis- 

inti  rpn-tcd     as     indicatiii«     an     imti 
idiliitionary    cru-;idc    in    th<-    Midland 
capital.       It    is    entirely    due    to    the 
inclemency  of  the  British  cliiij.. 
SIR    OLIVKR    I.OIH.F-,    in    Tin     11  <i*h- 
i   1'ost. 


I'oi;  THK  1IAIKI.I 

[Musir,  ni-rtinliii^;  to  tlic   I';IMH  Mriirrtrrl.  ir- 
3   hair  rrstoirr,  oivinj;  ' 

..f  iiiflriiinriitiil  jaH^i^i's  lias  ;i  i 
and   exciting   f(Tp<  t    on    ilio    liuina:i    rapifbry 
apparatus.     Violiiiist«aiul  other  execatant*  are, 
nlmrwt  without  eTcojition,  witnoiwe^  to  the  truth 
of  thin  - 


1'nliirxiiti-   Stiff  i-ri-r 
IK  music  he  the  food  of  hair,  play  on  ! 
wrot.-     ill.-     liar.l,     or    rtither. 
meant    to   \\rite)  ; 

Too  long  a  regimen  1  '\.    undergone 
1'or   m\     .  ag 


HUH    that 


f'.r 


Countless     til.-     m:i. 

an-   sold  — 
I've      "gone      bald-headed" 

them,    on.-    and    all  ! 
Hut     still     inv     cranium,     IIIK->. 
•M, 

•i:iins   a   hilliard   ball. 

One    final    step    I   '11    desperately    take; 

I  '11  learn  the  fiddl.-,  <i   la  'M' 

Irell 

Only,   I   pray   the  process  may  not 
.uka 

My  ears  grow  long  as  well  ! 


OCTOIIKR  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    STOICS    OF    MAYFAIR. 

'No   MORE   SIMPLE   LIFE  FOE  MS,  MY  DEAR.      I  ?VE   BEEN   BOCGHINO   IT   IN  A  TINY  COTTAGE   FOB  TWO   MONTHS,   AND   MY  SECOND    FOOTMAK 

AWAY   ILL  NEARLY  THE   WHOLE  TIHK  !  " 


FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  AN  "ABLE-BODIED  SHAREHOLDER." 

(A  more  or  less  Intelligent  Anticipation.) 

["  To  help  the  directors  if  a  strike  is  declared,  let  all  able-bodied 
shareholders  join  me  in  volunteering  for  service  at  their  nearest  rail- 
way stations.  They  cannot  be  looked  upon  as  blacklegs,  even  by 
Mr.  Bell,  for  they  will  be  only  doing  their  own  work  until  others  are 
found  to  do  it  for  them." — Conclusion  of  letter  from  "Shareholder"  in 
"  The  Daily  Mail "  of  October  22.] 

October  23. — Have  followed  excellent  suggestion  of 
letter  in  yesterday's  Mail,  and  written  to  Secretary  of 
London  and  Provincial  Railway,  placing  my  services  at 
his  disposal  in  event  of  strike.  In  train  to  City  told 
TOLLKRVEY,  WiBMER,  and  RippiNES  the  step  I  had  taken; 
said  I  thought  it  was  the  plain  duty  of  all  who,  like 
ourselves,  were  able-bodied  Shareholders.  Directors 
quite  right  in  refusing  to  grant  recognition — intolerable 
that  we  should  allow  our  servants  to  become  our  masters  ! 
TOLLERVEY  and  the  others  fully  agreed  that  it  was  the 
right  thing  to  do,  if  Strike  declared,  but  confident  that 
Board  of  Trade  will  prevent  it.  That  is  entirely  my  own 
view. 

Nov.  5. — Courteous  letter  from  Secretary  of  L.  &  P. 
R.  Co.,  acknowledging  mine,  accepting  my  offer  on 
behalf  of  Directors,  but  trusting  they  may  not  find  it 
necessary  to  avail  themselves  of  it.  So  I  don't  expect  I 


shall  hear  any  more  of  it.  Glad  to  see  that  evening 
papers  all  report  "  Crisis  practically  over." 

Nov.  12. — It  seems  there  is  another  hitch  in  the 
negotiations.  Have  again  sounded  TOLLEKVKY,  WIH.MKR, 
and  RIPPINES  about  volunteering.  They  haven't  done  so 
yet,  but  are  seriously  thinking  of  it. 

Nov.  15. — Crisis  more  acute  than  ever.  Not  so  sure 
as  I  was  that  Directors  are  wise  in  refusing  recognition. 

Dec.  16. — Strike  now  inevitable.  Men  have  declared 
intention  to  quit  work  on  the  21st !  Cannot  make  out 
whether  TOLLERVEY,  WIBMER,  and  RIPPINES  have  volun- 
teered yet,  or  not.  WIBMER  seemed  to  think  that  one 
able-bodied  shareholder  would  be  sufficient  for  our  small 
station  at  Nodwell.  I  still  pin  my  faith  to  LLOYD- 
GEORGE. 

Dec.  21. — LLOYD-GEOKQE  announces  that  all  his  efforts 
to  bring  about  an  arrangement  have  failed.  On  getting 
back  this  afternoon,  found  official  letter  instructing  me 
to  report  myself  to  our  station-master  at  Nodwell  at 
6.30  A.M.  on  Monday.  DELIA,  who  thought  it  so  splendid 
of  me  to  volunteer  at  first,  now  implores  me  not  to  risk 
my  death  of  cold  by  standing  about  on  a  draughty  plat- 
form. Her  mother  holds  that,  as  a  married  man,  I 
have  no  right  to  neglect  my  business.  Pointed  out  that, 
I  as  a  shareholder,  I  should  be  really  attending  to  it,  MIX! 
[doing  my  own  work.  Aunt  JANE  said  that  she  had 


320 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  30,  1907. 


that   rnilwiiy   work   was  dangerous  as 


well  as  disagreeable  Toll  her,  on  the  contrary,  it  was 
pleasant  itml  comparatively  ea>y.  H.  M.|.  s,  Kosiim,  tin 
stationmaster,  is  a  v.-ry  ci\il  fellow  —  he  will  look  after 


I!.. 


22. — A  miserable  Sunday.     l'nwi-11  nil  da\. 
23. — Turned  ii]i  at    Nodw.-ll  station  a  little  after 
7  A.M.     RosilER  said  I  must  be  more  punctual  in  future, 


who   I    was,    I  'il   no  busin-  -inteer  at    all   when   I 

was  eMilently   all  incompetent    idiot.      I'nfoitunate   thut 
1  >i  i.i  \  and  my  mother-in-law  and  Aunt  .1  \SK  should  i 
looked  in  at  just   that   moment  1    was  getting 

on.      All  Nodwell,  in  :  med  to  !•••  mi  the  platfonn. 

M»st  awkward.  Had  a  fearful  time  shunting  coal- 
trucks  under  Twoirr's  itirections.  Told  him  plainly 
that  I  had  no  objection  f.)  shove  I.ehind  -  hut  that. 


alt  his  port'-rs  hut  one  had  struck.      Hather  surprised    as  a  family  man,  nothing  would  induce  me  to  get  del  ween 
at  difference   in  his   manner — not  nearl      K.  'Mil.    the  LutT'Ts.     TWOKT  s.iid  the  -t.'iU  up-e\pr.-ss  mi^ht   he 


It  seems  th.  Company  have  pro\  ided  me  with  a  giv.'i. 
corduroy  suit — hut  I  need  not  wear  any  more  of  the 
uniform  than  the  cap  I  I  tic.  '1  a  com- 

pulsory.     And  I;.. sm  K  sn\s  I  shall  he  no  manner  of  use 
at  handling  luggage,  \e.,  if  1  k«-ep  on  my  heavy  o\  • 
TwtiRT,  my  fellow-porter,  told  me  to  lixik  sharp  and  get 
those  milkcans  down   t<>  the  end   of  the  platfonn 
for  the  next   up-train.      Rolling  milkc:n,s  not  so  easy  as 
it   looks.        TwoltT's    language   unnecessarily   ofTci 
even  if  I  did  roll  two  of  the  confounded  cans  on  to  tin- 
line.     He  'II  get  no  Christ:n:is-ho\  from  me!     Luckily  all 


illed   from  the  "distant  "  at   any  moni'-nt   now,  and 
that  I  must  do  my  duty  or  t;ike  the  cm  I'or- 

tunately  the  up-express  failed  to  turn  up  wl 

I  don't  ijiiitc  know  irliiit  would  ha\e  happ'-ni-d.  I 
think  lIosiiKii  said  something  ahout  reporting  nn-  to  the 
Manager  for  insuhordinati'.i:.  After  that,  he  told 
I  had  Letter  go  into  the  lamp-room,  where  1  couldn't 
do  any  mischief,  and  clean  the  lamps.  More 
-ing!  1  find  I  am  lookeil  upon  as  a  Llackleg.  although 
I  am  merely  doing  my  own  work  as  a  Shareholder.  V 
least,  I  know  that,  on  going  off  duly  at  '.i..'!M  r  M..  I 


the  trains  are  Lehind  to-day.     Toi.i.Kltvi.v,   \Vir.Mi:u.  ami    picketi-d   all   the  way  home   \>\    a   deputation  of  stn 


KMTISKS    arrived    in 
time    for   our    usual    train. 
They      seemed      surpi 
to  see  me   in   my   po: 
cap.        Asked     them      why 
they    weren't     helping     I>i- 
rectors.       TI>I,L.!-:;<YK\ 
plained  that  his  doctor  had 
forbidden    all    m  • 
exertion.        \Yir.Mr.it      snid 
ho    had   offered    to    put    in 
an    hour   or   so   0:1    Satur- 
days,  hut   on   p'cciui; 
reply     had     written     with- 
drawing   offer.         Ilii-i'iNKs 
had  sold  out   all   his  hold- 
ing   in    the    Company    last 
month.     l<ut  that  no  reason 
why    he   should   abuse    fur 
because      the      train      was 
three-quarters   of   an    hour 
late.    ToLLhRVEY  attempted 
to      slip      twopence      into 
my   hand   as   train   started. 


To  GABDESEHS-TO  I.».T,  MS  unit,  \  TAMK  CIIIAKFE  FOE  TRIMMING 

I>M>IE.fTICiTED. 


Not  at  all   funny,   as  I 


'd  other  things  to  do  than  keep  his  staff  clean.     He 
i  stopped  my  smoking,  too.     Might  as  well  not  be  a 


told  him— merely  bad  taste.    Hate  having  to  open  doors. 

Handles  so  beastly  grimy.     Asked  ROSHER  to  get  me  a 

little  hot  water  to  wash  my  hands,  but  he_said  shortly 

he 

has 

Shareholder  at  all ! 

Some  trouble  with  an  elderly  lady  who  drove  up  in 
a  fly  with  some  immense  trunks,  which  I  was  expected 
to  get  down  from  the  roof.  Managed  somehow,  with 
flyman's  assistance — the  wonder  was  that  only  our 
of  the  things  got  smashed.  People  shouldn't  travel  with 
such  flimsy  luggage,  and,  as  I  told  her,  it  was  not  as  if 
I  was  a  regular  porter — I  was  simply  doing  my  best,  as 
an  able-bodied  Shareholder,  to  help  the  I'm,  tors.  Old 
lady  very  angry — said  she  would  claim  heavy  damages 
from  Company.  More  trouble  with  indignant  passenger 
who  discovered  I  had  labelled  all  his  luggage  for  Bird- 
hampton,  instead  of  Briarhampton.  Altered  labels, 
and  advised  him  to  speak  more  distinctly  another  time, 
and  said  that,  anyway,  it  was  not  of  much  consequence. 
as  it  is  most  unlikely  that  any  train  will  get  as  f 
cither  station  to-day.  Passenger  tin.  port 

me  to  HOSHKR  for  impertinence.     Explained  that  1 
on  obje-bodied  Shareholder,  Ac.     He  said  he  didn't  care 


Tiny    only  i                   •••ful 

i-:»n  lust 

mt.  NVond'-r       how- 
tins  internal     strike 
•  mg   to  1:. 
('lit' 

cording  tn  the  Lest  authori- 

li.'S.   the  v.  ill  con- 

•Tltll   ! 

lly  can't  L'o  on  Leing 
an  amateur  porter  all  Ilia! 
time.  I  n. i  flit  !.••  let  in 
for  trying  my  hand  at 
signalliii'.-  I  1 

am   almost    sure   to   ln;i 
few      mistak'  tirst. 

And  I  don't  think  I  'm  so 
:.olii-d  a-.  I  fancied, 
or  I  shouldn't  feel  so  in- 
fernally stiff  to-day.  Then 
to  be  picketed  all  the  w  ay 
t  .  \oiir  front  do. •!•  .  very 
evening  hy  m.-u  »(•• 
you,  with  rude  eloquence,  of  taking  tin  Lnad  out 
of  the  mouths  of  their  wives  and  children — no, 
it  's  more  than  I  can  be  expected  to  stand  1  Then'  's  a 
good  deal  to  be  said  for  their  side  of  the  question — I  see 
that  now.  As  a  railway  servant  myself,  I  have  m;, 
grievances.  And-  my  remedy,  if  it  comes  to  that  ! 
Have  made  up  my  mind  to  go  out  on  strike  m\self.  The 
Directors  will  just  have  to  do  without  me,  that  's  all ! 

1  .  \. 


The  Spread  of  Esperanto. 

"  I\    the    afternoon    the    same    hall   was   occupied    Ly 
Mile.  L —   -  K —     .  a  pupil  of  liuLinstein,  who 
to  possess  little  of  the  few   sacre  of  that  great   plaver." 

'  niinxli  r    Ilitii  lie. 


THE  LufUnniii  may  hold  the  record  for  swiftm- 
for  sheer  unselfishness  the  Mniirelniiiii  is  certainly 
to    nun.  .         "  l-'or    the    heiiefit     of    the    non  engineering 
reader,  the  fire  is  carried  hy  forced  draught."  says  the 
Newcastle  Daily  Clinniiel,  .  and  we  have  in>  douht  that 
other   che--  iterrd    for    in    an    equally    thoughtful 

way.      Hut    into   this    matt.-r    we   cannot   go   now.        To 
the  same   paper     "  the  fiat  of  non  possums  has 
•1." 


I  FIHST  saw  LYM'S  fascinating 
name  on  an  enamelled  iron  notice- 
board  at  a  Dutch  station:  LYM. 
It  attracted  mo  at  once,  and  I  said 
we  would  go  there.  Surely  a  little 
Dutch  watering-plaoe :  something  in 
the  manii.-r  perhaps  of  our  own  Lvn- 
mouth  or  Lyme  Regis,  although 
without,  the  possession  of  a  Cobb 
from  which  interesting  heroines  in 
Miss  AUSTEN'S  novels  might  have 
fallen.  Lym.  It  reminded  me 
also  of  Lydd,  that  curious  Kentish 


liis  head.  I  was  shocked.  Fancy 
the  ticket  man  at  a  station  not 
taowlng  the  wataribff.placai  adver- 
tised there!  He  ended  a  long  dis- 
cussion by  advising  me  to  buy  n 
linn  table,  and  look  for  Lym  in"  its 
pages.  I  went  to  the  bookstall  mid 
bought  one,  but  no  Lym  was  to  bo 
found.  This.  however,  did  not 
bother  me,  because  the  time-table 
omitted  steam-trams,  and  Lvrn  was 
obviously  a  small  place  reached  by 
steam-tram. 

From    this   time   I   began   to   talk 
about  Lym  a  good  deal.       I  asked 


a  blue  background.     First  the  name 
•>f   u    famous   Dutch    town,    and    tli.-i 
iind.-rneath     it     this     small. T    on.- 
l.^l.       '  Th.- ...,"  1  said.     "01,  that,1 
ho  saul     "  tliat   is   an   ad\rrtis,-m.-nt 
at   lime.      They   make   lime   at  - 

So  ended   my  dream.     There   \\-i- 
no  Lym.     !,ym  was  lime. 

Once  only  had  1  I,,.,.,,  Kll  ,],,„„ 
cast,  and  that  was  when,  ..n  an  earK 
visit  to  Paris,  when  rnv  l'i,  neh  w.i's 
very  shaky,  I  joined  the  gay  throng 
winch  annually  endeavours  to  book 
s.-ats  to  see  SARAH  UERNHARDT  in— 
what'.'  In  Reldcliet 


PLUMBING    THE    DEPTHS    OF    ENGLISH    BEAUTY. 

ABOUT  WHERE  WE  'TE  GOT  TO,  so  FAB. 
(With  acknotcletljments  to  "  Tlie  Dally  Kodak."} 


A  TOOTING  COMI'ETITOB. 


A  BAVSWATER  CANDIDATE. 


Ax    F.ALIXO   ASPIBAXT. 


seaside  settlement  with  its  vast 
sands  and  its  seaweed  deposits. 
Kitwyk  I  knew,  and  Noordwyk,  and 
of  course  Scheveningen  in  all  its 
plenitude;  but  Lym?  That  was 
new :  that  would  be  a  surprise. 

I  went  to  the  ticket  office  to  in- 
quire, how  to  get  there. 

"  Lym,"  I  said. 

The  polite  Dutchman,  who,  like 
all  Dutchmen  under  thirty-five, 
knows  English,  if  not  perfectly,  at 
least  with  a  familiarity  which  might 
easily  be  called  perfect  when  con- 
trasted with  the  ordinary  English- 
man's conversance  with  Dutch — the 
polite  Dutchman  disclaimed  all 
knowledge  of  any  such  place.  I  pro- 
nounced it  in  several  different  ways, 
and  then  wrote  it  down.  He  shook 


all  the  Dutch  people  I  met  what 
they  could  tell  me  about  Lym. 
None  of  them  knew  it.  Perhaps  it 
is  in  Belgium,  they  said :  there  are 
many  odd  little  places  there.  Or  in 
Iceland:  one  can't  keep  pace  with 
all  the  villages  in  Iceland.  Although 
battled  I  did  not  despair.  Lym 
might  elude  me  for  the  moment,  but 
not  altogether.  I  would  reach  Lym 
yet,  and  bask  on  its  sands,  or  shelter 
from  the  wind  in  one  of  its  wicker 
sentry-boxes.  At  last  1  found  a 
Dutchman  who  knew  every  inch  of 
the  country,  and  I  asked  him. 
"Lym?"  he  said,  with  an  inflec- 
tion of  incredulity.  "  Yes,  Lym — 
L.Y.M."  There  was  no  such  place, 
he  affirmed.  I  led  him,  therefore,  to 
the  advertisement — white  letters  on 


ACCORDIXO  to  The  British  Austral- 
asian the  following  conversation  took 
place  between  two  distinguished 
politicians  in  the  Commonwealth 
House  of  Representatives  the  other 
day :  — 

Sir  .lolin  Forrest :  You  are  a  scoundrel. 

Mr.  M.iloney :  You  are  a  liar. 

Sir  John  Forrest :  You  are  a  thing. 

Mr.  Mal.iiipy  :  I  will  not  be  called  a  "  thing." 
I  must  ask  the  Chairman  to  compel  you  to 
withdraw. 

Sir  John  Forrest :  I  will  make  you  withdraw 
from  the  House. 

Mr.  Maloney  :  You  are  a  dirty  cor. 
Sir  John  Forrest :  You  are  a  whelp. 

"The  Chairman,"  says  the  ac- 
count, "  then  intervened."  The 
Chairman  must  have  been  no  sports- 
man. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ocroua  30,  1907. 


liiin,  and  then-  seemed  untiling  for  it  .nit,  his  si  .me  sili-nt,  but  his 

hut    to    face    tin-    situ.  t    h\e  in.itln-r   retired    with    her    to   a   cosy 

down    my    husband's    imputation    \>\  corner  to  discuss  my  husband' 

under  tin-  impression   he   wa--   a  dear    .i  lit   I  doubt  if  I  should  haw-  stitutinn.      I  could  hear  them  pitting 

ordinary  sort  of  IM.V.  \\lm  just  suited    d"iic  it  il  it  hadn't  been  fur  my  Aunt  our  ailments.   from  youth  n]>.  against 


PERCY'S    PEOPLE. 

UK     I     iniirri  '.      1     was 


me.    and    that 
girl,     as     girls 


I 


a   nice   sort    of 


'. 


p  Msit   mid  the  public 


howe\,  i  .  M     knocked    out     of 

my    head   when    the    honeymoon    was 
and     u.     settled    d.-wn    in    his 
'  n  all  among  his  people.      1 
ail  motln-r  once  during 

our  enciu.'emi  nt.  which  had  

and 

she      had      certainly      . 
then,    but    so    ha.!     I.    and 
I    thought     we    were    only 
mingling  tears  of  joy.    His 
family,    however.     In-; 
time    in    revealing    to    me 
that  I  had  married  a  demi- 
god,  of   whom    1    was   not 
worthy,   nor  ever  could  be. 
though,  oi  .1   must 

go  on   trying    hard   all    my 
life.  ived 

us  on  our  return  with 
forced  gaiety,  and  apolo- 
gised that  their  mother 
was  feeling  too  upset  to 
and  while  DAIRY 
hung  about  him  with 
chastened  smiles  and  lov- 
ing but  wistful  ghi 
MARION  drew  me  aside  and 
told  me  so  much  about  his 
beautiful  babyhood,  his 
noble  boyhood,  and  his 
absolutely  perfect  man- 
hood that  I  really  had  to 
keep  looking  round  to  re- 
assure myself  that  it  was 
my  dear  old  stupid  sitting 
there,  and  not  a  shining 
angel  with  a  halo. 

His    mother    came    next 
morning  in  a  cab,  after  he 
had    gone    to    work,    and 
broke    down   on  the   door- 
step.   I  led  lii-r  weeping  to 
the  couch,  and  e\»-ry  time 
she  looked  at  me  she  shook 
her  head  and  hoped  I  might  be  a 
fort  to  him,  and  never  let   him  leave 
off  his  under-vests.    They  all  hoped  I 
should  be  a  comfort  to  him,   hut  to 
judge    from    their    manner    it    was 
rather  a  forlorn  hope;    and  they  all 
told  me  that  marriage  was  a  lottery. 
though  no  one  seemed  to  be  in  doubt 
who  had  got  the  prize  in  this  case. 
"  And  have  you  heard  about  .!•  u- 
v's    chest? "    said    one    of    his 
aunts  on  my  first   \t   Home  da 
it   was   another  one   up   against    me 
when  1  asked  if  sin-  in.-ant  the  one  in 
tin-  hall. 

Th-  f  it   was    I'l  lit  V   didn't 

notice  anvthii  dcntly  so 

.    to    adoration    it    didn't    worry 


presentation  of  tin-  t.-a-pot. 

I    knew    what     Auntie'*    /.,./,    visits 
in    fact,    we   called    her   Aunt 
Kl.    at    home,    i  •  hat     was    her     were 

i    when   •  h.-r  an  inch 

but    her   tel.--l.llll    e.,\,.    n.,.    n,,    tune    to     chlldi 


ach  other,  and  before  they  had  done 
with  us  we  w.-iv  nothing  evidently 
but  a  pair  of  saintly  invalids  and  it 
MTM  with  L-r.-at  r.-luctanc.-  that  they 


"WELL,  OOOb-BYE.      RCH    DOWX  TO  RKK  TO   8OME  DAT  AT  THE   GiOVE. 

SEND  A  WIRE  AND  THE  COACIIMAM  WILL  MEET  rue.    Yoc  CAN'T  MISS 
HIM-  HE 'M  LAME!  " 


and    exclaimed    in    a 

that      I      was      pal.  . 


put  her  off,  and  she  arrived  one  night 
when  l'i:u<y's  people  were  dining 
with  irie.  She  rushed  across  tlic 
drawing-room,  caught  me  rapturously 
in  her  arms. 
plaintive  cry 

,  's  mother  hastened  to  say  that 

Was   OIllv    tin-    effect    of    the    im-li 

cent    u'as :    I. ut    Auntie    promptly    in- 

formecl    hc-r   that    she    knew    the   deli- 

.  n.-y    <.f    my    skin    too 

well,  and  launched  into  n  .i 

on    the    purity    of    the    family    c«m- 

n.       In     the     ordinary     way    I 

should     have     smiUied      her  —  poor 

Auntie    was    used    to    snuhhing — but 

r  her  inch.     Then-  was 

no    stopping    h'-r.      I'KKCY    drew    h.-r 


I 


i.nund    to    admit     we    .-\.r 

•d    from   the   martyrdom   of  our 

;h  sufferings.      Auntie  certainly 

in.-    ii|i    <.n    I 
during  her  \isit,  I 

outnumbered  it  was 
not  nearly  s..  lofty  as 
1'llicVs.  and  it  iv.jiiiivd 
the  ti-a-|Mit  ]>r. -sentatinii  to 

IprilljJ     US     le\el. 

The    !•  :i  pot     Was    il    Wcd- 

ding  pr.-s,-iit  to  l'i  u,  v  from 
iiis    einpl»yi'-s,    and    all    his 
friends   and    relatives    wi-rr 
p  re  s  e  n  t.     and      I':  I 
mother   had    mad- 
point      of      Auntie      being 
tin  re,   as  she  said   it  Would 
int    for   lu-r   to 

•le     to     tell     my     people 

at  home  the  feeling  which 
i  \istcd  between  my  hus- 
I. and  and  his  men. 

"  I  am  his  mother,"  sin- 
said,  "  and,  of  course,  / 
cannot  sing  his  praises,  but 
1  want  \nu  to  see  for  vmir- 

Selves     lloW      beloved, 

how  ador.-.l  he  is  by  his 
inferiors.  His  men  simply 
worship  the  ground  he 
walks  on.  and  tin-re  is  «« 
sacrifice  they  would  not 
make  fi.i  • 

must  persuade  your 
aunt."  she  added,  turn- 
ing  to  me.  "  to  extend 
her  visit  one  more  day,  so 
that  she  may  be  with  us 
at  the  presentation." 
And  1  hud  to,  though 
Auntie  was  getting  on  my 
nerv.-s,  with  other  things, 
on  my  heM  dress  for  the 
but  everybody  looked  at 

lioliody      looked      at      Ilie, 


put 
lion, 

I'l  KI  ',     and 

Auntie 


except 


and     a     few     \oung 


S,     who,     his     sisters     told     me, 

had  I n  in  love  with  him  all  his  life. 

workmen  were  all  th>  ' 
7-hcepish  expectation  of  the  refresh- 
in. -nts  to  follow;  the  ti-a-pot  stood  on 
a  little  table  by  Mr.  SI-ARROW,  tin- 
foreman,  who  bad  a  turn  for  speechi- 
fying, and  behind  him  sat  a  junior 
cl.-rk  named  Moi.sos,  who  hud  r.-.l 
hair  and  a  merry  eye. 

"  l.adies    and    gentli-m.-n,"     i 
Mr.  Si-AKHoW.  "  u  in-red   'ere 

her  to-night    to  mark    a   memor- 
able,    1     may     nln  .     unique 


OCTOBER  30,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


323 


Little  Mullie  (icho  often  becomes  reflective  at  bedtime,  and  hat  spent  the  whole  day  icith  her  godmother).  "  Do  GODPABEKTS  Ott  PUNISHED 
FOE  THEIB  QODCUILDBEN'S  SINS,  MOTHES?" 


ilother.  "No,  MOLLIE." 

"MuUte  (trtlh  a  profound  e'ujh).  "  On,  WHAT  A  riTY  ! 


I  FELT  SO  COJIFT  ABOUT   IT." 


vent  in  the  life  of  our  employer,  and 
also  to  show  'im  by  our  presence  that 
in  all  'is  undertakings  'e  will  'ave  the 
support  and  sympathy  of  'is  men. 
Marriage  is  a  lottery,  and  Mr.  'OBSON 
[PERCY'S  name,  unfortunately,  was 
HOBSON)  'as  brought  'omo  a  young 
jricle  with  'im,  'oo  we  all  'ope  " 
here  I  winced,  for  I  knew  what  was 
coming — "  will  be  a  comfort  to  "im." 
Shut  up,  and  give  him  the  tea- 
Dot!  "  came  an  audible  whisper  from 
MOGSON,  who  had  noticed  my  em- 
jarrassment. 

Mr.  SPARROW  was  flurried,  but  not 
loored,  by  the  interruption.  "  We 
will  now  turn  to  the  object  before  us 
-his  evening,"  he  continued,  and  half 

he  people  looked  at  me  and  half  at 
;he  tea-pot.       '*  It  is  only  a  trifling 

'.ft,    but  I  must  remind  Mr.  'OBSON 


that  'e  got  married  at  a  very  awk- 
ward time — a  time  when  the  men 
could  ill  afford  to  give  what  they  'ave 
given.  It  is  a  very  small  present, 
but  we  all  'ope  Mr.  'OssoN  will  take 
it  as  a  true  measure  of  the  esteem  in 
which  we  'old  'im  !  " 

PERCY  turned  red,  and  there  was  a 
sensation  among  his  relations,  but 
the  men  cheered  vigorously,  and  the 
reporter  at  the  back  got  it  all  down, 
and  it  was  in  the  local  paper  in  the 
morning.  MOGSON  and  I  laughed,  so 
did  PERCY,  afterwards;  but  his 
mother  was  really  upset,  and,  in  spite 
of  my  genuine  efforts  to  explain, 
Auntie  would  take  it  seriously.  She 
said  it  was  very  strange,  and  if  it  was 
a  mistake  it  was  a  deplorable  one. 
She  shook  her  head  when  she  looked 
at  PERCY,  and  tears  filled  her  eyes  as 


she  begged  him  to  be  good  to  me. 
However,  after  a  long  talk  with 
PERCY'S  mother,  she  kissed  her  affec- 
tionately, and  assured  her,  before  Bho 
left,  that  she  would  say  nothing 
about  it  to  my  people. 

However,  tho  presentation  has  had 
a  good  and  lasting  effect,  and  when 
I  use  the  tea-pot  in  the  presence  of 
my  relativcs-in-law  I  notice  that  their 
conversation  turns,  uneasily,  from 
PERCY'S  perfections  to  my  new  frocks 
or  my  latest  golf  score;  and  needli-ss 
to  add  I  have  become  an  inveterate 
tea-drinker. 


"Sandwich  Town   on   Saturday  best    Deal' 
Reserves  at  Stonar,  by  5  to  2.     Mercy  (cored 
all  the  goals." — Sandwich  Adcertiter. 

WE  hope  MERCY  is  not  strained 
after  big  impartial  display. 


321 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OlPBKH 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

\!r.  I'unrh't  &«/  of  learned  Clerlit.) 
of  Mr.  M.M'KII  i.  HKWU  rr's  art  must  often 
:iu\i-  questioned  \vhctliiT  he  is  capable  nf  producing 
\M>rk  thut  should  stand  mi  its  own  merits  as  a  criticism 
if  lift-,  without  assistance  from  tin-  jargon  and  p-ncral 
ippurntus  of  archaism,  liist»iii-  or  iniapnatixe.  In  T/ic 

',;/    l.iidij    (.MAt  MM. LAN  I    he    has    i-oinr    a    lon^    step 
the    contemporary    :  .-,    iii    fact,    within 

hundred  years  of  it,  \  hut  little  ail 

t»\Mtnl  the  solution  of  our  doubts,     lie  is  still  incurably 
romantic.     The    white    violets    which    the    butcher-hero 
.  mplovs  for  the  daily  wooing  ot  his  I.ady  of  Con.i 
sion    (belle   of    St.    James's),    have    in    them    the    breath 
of  those  very  glades   in    which    "The    l'i.r--s:     I. 
roamed.       It  is  a  pretty,    conceit,   but  the   author  has 
shirked   the   issue.      The   whiff 
of  grape-shot  that  accidentally 
cut  short   the   butcher's  i-;r 
and    so    ended     his     revolution 
against     the     ctuir,  H 
a  transparent  device   fur  evad- 
ing   the    almost    ei-rtain    hatlios 
"1    the   ]K>st -nuptial    period. 
The    book    is    a    clever    im- 

•«nist    sketch    of 
with    a    hint    <•; 
MEREDITH  in  its  style  (notably 
at  the  start,   which   is  a   little 
obscure),    and     in     its    rlatt.-r- 
ing  assumption  of  the  reader's 
intel  I  a     study 

of    manners     rather     than     of 
character.  \part    from    tin- 

two  protagonists,  my  Lmly 
Morfit.  veteran  champion  of 
"  Family,"  is  perhaps  the 
only  figure  of  which  wo  are 
permitted  to  view  the  mint 
In  her  case  we  can  at  least 
locate  the  barren  site  wh'-re 
her  heart  had  been  designed 
to  go.  As  for  the  butcher.  I 
confess  that  his  virtues  left 
me  cold.  He  h%d  to  be  got 
into  the  pillory  before  he 
could  raise  any  response  fi»m 
my  heart  strings;  and  he  was 
dead  within  the  hour. 
Women  may  think  differently, 
but  for  myself  this  lack  of  all  attraction,  except  the 
clean-limbed  kind,  made  me  a  little  suspicious  of  the 
good  taste  of  the  lady.  It  amuses  me  to  wonder  whether 
she  would  have  kept  her  pledge  if  the  anonymous  violets 
had  turned  out  to  be  the  gift  of  some  poor  sycophant — 
say  Afr.  Aloysiui  Banks.  But  I  dare  wager  she  knew 
that  she  was  safe  enough  in  Mr.  HEWLETT'S  hands. 

I  will  not  presume  to  make  conjecture  of  the  author's 
political  purpose  in  this  book.  It  may  be  mere  chance  t  hat 
its  appearance  should  have  coincided  with  the  campaign 
against  th--  House  of  Lords.  I  do  trust  that  he  meant 
no  disrespect  for  the  present  h-  irs  of  Privilege.  But  you 
can  never  tell  with  these  Kadical  ideal 


has     an     excellent     literary     style,     a     ln-autifu! 
rare)    tiling    in    women    who    write    im\els. 
keen   eye    for   character  and    a    loving   (.-lance    for 
tiling   that    is   beautiful   in   her  siirroiindn  :!owi  is 

es    and    pasture    land    and    singing    birds. 

\\islles    for    spae--    to    iplot--    --Veil    one    out    of    lialf-Il 

perfected    word    pictures.         The    gentle   reader    will    fi.ul 
them  in  tlii-  bo<>K.  anil  much  el-  delectable.      A 

company  of  people,  f  whose  fac.  s  seeiu  familiar 

on    tli-  f    London    Society,    crowds    the    canvas. 

Not    I  ;i\v    in    the    way    of    |xirtr:tilur>-    are    tin- 

apparently  unconscious  confidences  of  Mr*.   Irrdtilr.  the 
charming   widow    who   tells   to   a    friend   the   tale   of   her 
daily   life,  opening  in  quiet    restin^-plac--;.   mo\ii  — 
what   for  a   while   threatens  tragedy.      .S'l'r   lli'rlir 
who  has   for   her   beauty    marrii-d    a    u'irl    without    other 
!iiendiiti<>n :   the   vain,   selfish   beauty   herself,   who 
drives    her    sol. Her    -    husband 
almost    into    the    arms  of    Mr*. 
Ir>  ilali  :  Hunijuy  heir  to  a  diil.e-' 

ilom.  who  proposes  sixteen  ' 

to   the    irresistible    widow,    and 

fused   fift.'.-ii ;   the   Dn 
i>f    y/)«icic/i,     and     otln  rs     who 
•hp.M^'h    tile    plot, 
are    all    e\c.-lleiit.         The 
being 

i-l    it    thi' 
•linj:     will     1 

irresistible.        h      is      the     b- st 
tiling  Mrs.    Hi  NVIKKK  ' 
and  that   is  hic.li   pra 

.•//  li.nl  ;i  i 
•T  h;i'l  I"  |  <ihoe^ 

I'lllrll 

With  tin-  \Vii.i.u- 

This  is  not  the  of  a 

•  pointed      cigarette  -  buyer, 
but     an     attempt     to    ^'i\e   tin- 
highest     literary     form     of     the 
M    a|i]il.-ciation    of    the 
f    -  Cll,ll<i-r,'H  (  Mr.TII' 

Mr.      and      Mrs.      WILLIAMSON 
wmi't  let  us  off  our  b 
geography    l<-ssoi'.- 
them     investing    in    a     .'./ 
b.  tore  they  started  out    to  in- 
struct   usi,    but    they    put    the 
powder    in    such    a    lot    of    j.im 
that     we    are    alwa\s    ready     to 
repeat   the  doses.     I   seem    to   ri-member   that    th>-    id- a 
of  a  hired  chaperon  has  occurred  before  in   Mr.    l,i.o\i> 
OsBORNK's    H,il»i    llull,r,    but    perhaps    it    is    part 
stock-in-trade  of  the  auto. novelist,  ?...  t..  -.p.  ,,l ..      \n\- 
how  the  present  book  is  the  most  churmiiiK  of  !• 
itinerari.  s.      And  the  ehnp'-nui  is  a  delightful  ladv,  with 
blue  spectacles  that  conn-  -If  in  the  end,  and  a  bulbdo£ 

••men    off    all    the    tit-  'ho    Jloll 

have  never  seen  one  1» 


j.  "  ALL  IHI  WIKMM  !  " 

Her.   "I— Ml— I  WOKDER   IF   MT   XAJIK   18   AMOXU   Tlim. 


In  writing  Our  Fatal  Shadow*  (HrnsT  AND  BI.A. 
Mrs.  AKTIIVII  HKNSIKKR  n-v.-rts  to  tb-- old-fashiom  .1  letter 
form.        Tile   01  :--nce    in.    however,    all    from    one 

pen,    and    is    practically    a    diary.      Mis.     HINXIKKR 


"  Tlw  wonder  in  not  tliat  there  are  §o  few  .1  'it  tlml  lliore 

are  not  more."  -Pall  Mall  Gazelle. 

How    strange   t..   rellect    that,    win!  .-fully 

•  u'    in    our    beds    in    tin-    morning,    in    journalistio 
(,'rt-ut  brains  arc  ut  work  tliiidxint.'  of  thin 


NOVEMBER  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  PRINCE  OF  ASTURIAS  is  pre- 
serving a  strict  incognito  on  his  visit 
to  England,  and  obviously  enjuvs 
his  freedom  from  the  cares  of  State. 

*  * 

Madame  SARAH  GRAND,  in  reply 
to  the  charge  that  there  had  never 
been  a  female  SHAKSPEARE,  points 
out  that  there  has  been  only  one 
male  SHAKSPKAUK.  "  She  might 
have  gone  further,"  writes  a  Strat- 
ford-on-Avon  correspondent,  "  and 
asked  if  there  had  ever  been  a  male 

CORELLI  ?  " 

*  * 

The  statement  that  Mr.  FRANK 
RICHARDSON  has  registered  a  vow  to 
write  no  more  about  whiskers  is 
responsible  for  the  rumour  that 
Mr.  FRANK  RICHARDSON  has  given  up 
literature. 

V 

In  reviewing  the  current  number 
of  The  Burlington  Magazine,  which 
may  justly  claim  to  be  our  most 
serious  art  journal,  The  Tribune 
says:  "The  illustrations  are,  as 
usual,  humorous  and  excellent." 
We  are  left  in  doubt  as  to  whether 
the  epithet  "  humorous  "  refers  to 
the  engravings  embellishing  an 
article  on  "  The  Irish  National 
Portrait  Gallery,"  or  whether  it  is  a 
playful  printer's  variation  of  the 
word  "numerous." 

*  * 

"  A  bottle  of  whisky  has  been 
taken  from  the  foundation-stone  of 
a  house  built  203  years  ago  neat- 
Washington,  U.S.A.,"  says  The 
Express.  It  seems  a  peculiarly 
mean  and  petty  form  of  theft,  and 
we  trust  no  pains  will  be  spared 
to  discover  the  culprit. 

*  * 

Another  triumph  for  the  East ! 
We  learn  from  the  column  on  "  Dog 
Shows  "  in  The  Daily  Telegraph  that 
an  Imperial  Pekingese  Association 
is  about  to  be  formed  in  London. 

V 

There  is  no  doubt  that  dog- 
stealing  has  been  on  the  increase 
lately.  We  therefore  welcome  the 
appearance  of  a  book  entitled, 
1'  Dogs:  and  how  to  keep  them." 

V 

'  Much  property  was  stolen," 
says  The  Daily  News  in  an  account 
of  a  recent  burglary,  "  and  the 
thieves  have  left  no  trace  for  the 
police  to  work  upon."  We  consider 
that  such  utter  lack  of  consideration 
for  the  forces  of  law  and  order  shows 
up  the  burglars  in  a  very  unfavour- 
able light. 

V 

At     the     annual     dinner    of     the 


Stout  Lady.  "On,  TES,  WE  SAW  QUITE  A  I.UT  or  HER   IN  HOXBUBO;   BUT  NOW  MIC  NEVEI 

TAKES  THE  SLIGHTEST  NOTICE   OF   ME,  SO   I    HAKE  1   POINT  OF  ALWAYS  CUTTING  UEB  DEAD!" 


ancient  Corporation  of  Hanley  the 
new  Councillors,  in  accordance  with 
custom,  drank  champagne  from  a 
glass  a  yard  long,  and  those  who  did 
not  succeed  in  finishing  the  draught 
had  the  remainder  poured  down 
their  shirt  fronts  by  two  stalwart 
cup-bearers.  While  feeling  that  it 
is  customs  such  as  this  which  have 
made  England  what  it  is,  one  does 
not  know  which  to  admire  the  more, 
the  wit  or  the  poetry  of  the  idea. 

"  Socialists  and  Nationalists," 
declared  Mr.  CHARLES  M' ARTHUR 
M.P.,  according  to  The  Liverpool 
Echo,  in  an  after-dinner  speech, 
"  are  in  the  same  bed — each  striving 
to  put  his  hand  into  another's 
pocket."  The  metaphors  seem  a 
little  bit  mixed,  but  we  suppose  the 
reference  is  to  the  elaborate  pyjamas 

of  the  Smart  Set. 

*  * 

Dr.  MACNAMARA,  M.P.,  in  the 
course  of  a  few  remarks  at  a  bazaar 
last  week,  said  that,  if  he  had  his 
way,  he  would  be  singing  in  Carmen 


instead  of  speaking  from  the 
TreHSury  Bench.  The  doctor's  poli- 
tical opponents,  including  those  who 
have  never  heard  him  sing,  have  no 
wish  to  stand  in  his  way. 

%* 

"  An  Irishman  in  the  Bowi-ry 
district  of  New  York,"  says  The 
Express,  "  last  night  killed  a  Ger- 
man for  calling  him  a  harp."  \\V 
are  anxiously  awaiting  further  de- 
tails. For  the  present  we  can  only 
imagine  that  it  was  because  of  the 
nasty  way  in  which  it  was  said. 


*  * 


Wo  would  seem  to  live  in  an  age 
of  food  experiments.  The  following 
is  an  extract  from  a  serial  which  is 
running  in  The  Sphere: — "  By  his 
side  reposed  an  empty  cup  that  had 
contained  tea,  an  apple,  and  a 
couple  of  biscuits." 


V 


More  Distinguished  Invalids. — 
The  L.C.C.  steamboats  are  laid  up, 
and  it  is  feared  it  will  be  a  consider- 
able time  before  they  are  about 
again. 


8*8 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[N.. \KMBEB  6,    1907. 


MR.  HALDANE   "TALKS  THROUGH    HIS   HAT." 

PI/I  ill. 

"  Diir*rs*  ignur»noe,  and  evsrylwdjr  would  be  a  Liberal." 

Tht  Stcntary  /or  U'ar  *i*akiny  at  Hhyl 

"  Where  ignorance  U  blin. 
Til  fofiy  to  be  rfiie." 

(JtAT,  On  a  ciurfan/  proiptet  of  Eton  Callr.jt. 

"  No  doubt  TO  are  the  people,  and  with  you 

lorn  shall  perish."*     So  the  Patient  Man 
Replied  to  that  Majority  who  knew 

So  vastly  more  about  tin-  Heavenly  Plan, 
Letting  their  knowledge  out  to  air  it, 
Till  even  JOB  himself  could  hardly  bear  it. 

Numerically  strong,  and   full  of  beans, 

The  "  comforters  "  had  marked  his  lonely  plight — 

A  wreck  from  loss  of  health  and  friends  and  means — 
And  sat  and  lectured  him  with  all  their  might, 

Instead  of  offering  herbs  and  simples 
To  ease  his  pangs  and  mollify  his  pimples. 

So  you,  Sir,  treat  the  Tories  when  they'  re  down, 
limken  in  fortune,  marked  with  many  Mains; 

And,   putting  on  your  best  pedantic  frown, 
Allege  the  thing  is  due  to  lack  of  brains ; 

Their  only  chance  on  earth,  you  tell  'em, 
Would  be  to  wear  your  style  of  cerebellum. 

Well.  I,  for  one,  confess  I  can't  compete 

With  that  imposing  structure,  whence  (I  've  read) 

A  Territorial  Army  sprang  complete  I 

Even  when  Zeus,  the  Thunderer,  had  his  head 

Split  open  by  Hephaestus'  aid,  he 
Brought  forth  but  one  recruit — and  that  a  lady. 

We  cannot  all  be  HALDAXES,  no,  nor  take 

Hats  of  the  right  Napoleonic  school ; 
And,  as  it  seems  that  knowledge  doesn't  make 

Its  owner  always  differ  from  a  fool 
(I  cite  no  individual  sample, 

But  the  reports  of  Parliament  are  ample) ; — 

Seeing,  I  say,  that  Liberal  brains  may  teem 

With  facts  enough  to  petrify  the  House, 
Yet,  in  the  bald  result,  evolve  a  scheme 
No  braver  than  the  mountain's  storied  mouse — 

Give  me — and  let  who  will  be  clever — 
The  motto:  Ignorance  (and  Hist)  for  ever! 

O.  S. 
•  The  Book  of  Job,  in.  1,  2. 


THE    LEAVES. 

WE  have  been  doing  a  good  deal  with  Miss  WILLS 
lately.  Sometimes  when  the  lessons  are  finished  she 
goes  for  a  walk  with  us.  She  knows  a  most  awful  lot.  She 
can  answer  questions  about  anything.  She  's  told  us 
why  the  grass  is  green,  and  why  the  sky  is  blue,  and 
why  some  birds  can  sing  and  others  can't,  and  why  men 
wear  trousers  and  women  have  frocks,  and  all  sorts  of 
other  things  that  you  don't  notice  generally  ju.-t  1 
you  always  see  them.  It  is  called  Nature  Study.  NINA 
asked  her  the  other  day  why  the  leaves  came  of!  the 
trees  in  Autumn,  and  Miss  WILLS  said,  "  It  is  the 
beautiful  law  of  Nature  that  there  should  be  a  period 
of  rest  for  trees  as  well  as  for  all  living  drcnturcs,  our- 
selves included."  I  said,  "  JIM  says  ho  doesn't  get 
any  rest.  He  thinks  tliu  hard  work  is  killing  him,  and 


ho  says  he  can't  sl.-.-j>  at  nights  along  of  the  dogs  bark- 
ing and  the  cooks  crowing."  MI--S  WILLS  said,  "  You 
mustn't  say  'along  of'  like  that,  HKKIIKHT.  It  is  in- 
rurrei-t.  'On  account  of'  would  be  t>.tt.r."  Then 
NINA  Raid,  "  Hut  our  fingers  and  toes  don't  fall  off." 

-  WILLS  said,  "  Child,  I  never  said  they  did. 
rs  and  toes  are  not  similar  to  leaves."  Tin  n  she 

.0   of   pebbles,    and    why    they    were   round.        She 

alwavs  m:in:iu'' s   t«i  (.•••!    the   l.rst   "f   us   ill   the  end. 

This  talk  put  an  idea  into  NINA'S  head.  Slir  told  me 
she  had  hern  reading  a  lot  of  poetry  about  Autumn,  and 
that  Autumn  was  really  a  very  beautiful  person  with 
wind's,  who  always  soared  about  the  woods  in  very  light 
gauzy  dresses.  I  said,  "  What  docs  '  gauzy  '  n 
and  she  said  gauze  was  a  kind  of  muslin  \\lii.-h  was  worn 
iiy  fairies  and  Autumn  and  people  of  that  kind.  1  said, 
"  Nobody  believes  in  fain.-*,"  and  NINA  said  the  did. 
She  looked  at  me  in  a  loving  sort  of  way,  and  said, 
"  HKKHKKT,  you  shall  believe  in  fairies,"  so  I  said  I 
would  if  she  wanted  me  to.  Then  I  said,  "  But  i.-n't 
Autumn  cold  in  her  gauzy  dress?  Sin-  must  grt  w.-t 
to  the  skin  every  day;  "  but  NINA  smiled,  and  told  me 
when  I  grew  older  I  should  understand  these  things 
hrtter.  Anyhow,  she  was  going  to  be  Autumn,  and  1 
must  get  a  lot  of  leaves  together  and  shn\\i-r  thrm  i.\.-r 
her  when  the  time  came.  I  said,  "  What  am  I  to  he'.'  " 
and  she  told  me  I  was  to  be  an  attendant  sprite,  or 
something  of  that  sort. 

Wr  settled  to  have  it  that  evening  in  the  school-room. 
Mrs.  AUSTIN  couldn't  come.  She  said  she  was  busy, 
and  she  didn't  seem  to  mind  a  bit  when  NINA  told  her 
she  was  faithless  to  the  solemn  covenant.  "  I  don't 
know  anything  about  solemn  covenants,"  she  said, 
"  and  if  I  did  they  wouldn't  help  me  to  got  your  father's 
dinner  ready/'  That's  Mrs.  AUSTIN  all  over.  NINA 
said  she  was  afraid  Mrs.  AUSTIN  was  getting  very 
material.  She  said  "  material  "  was  when  you  didn't 
care  about  poetry  and  art.  She  had  read  about  it 
somewhere. 

Well,  we  got  the  housemaid  into  the  school-room,  and 
we  turned  out  the  electric  light  and  told  her  not  to  be 
afraid.  NINA  put  on  a  muslin  dress  in  which  she  goes  to 
the  dancing-class.  She  pinned  a  lot  of  dead  leaves  all 
over  it,  and  stuck  some  more  into  her  hair,  and  she  had 
DAD'S  cane  as  a  wand.  She  bound  a  bit  of  white 
ribbon  round  it,  so  that  it  mightn't  look  like  a 
walking-stick.  Then  she  tied  a  bit  of  red  silk  round  my 
waist,  and  brushed  my  hair  up  straight,  and  said  I  was 
as  good  a  sprite  as  she  'd  ever  seen.  I  took  a  whole 
basketful  of  dead  leaves  on  my  arm,  and  then  NINA 
opened  the  door  and  soared  into  the  school-room — at 
least  that  was  what  she  said  she  was  going  to  do.  I 
thought  she  walked  in  on  tip-toe  with  her  arms  stretch,  d 
out.  As  soon  as  we  got  in  I  switched  up  the  light,  and 
began  pouring  leaves  all  over  NINA,  and  NINA  start.-.! 
saying,  "Mortals,  I  am  the  spirit  of  Autumn.  ].••'  I 
am  come —  She  didn't  get  any  further  than  that 

because  JANE  shrieked  out,  "  Stop  throwing  about  those 
l.-aves,  Master  HK.KHKKT."  I  didn't  know  what  t<p  say, 
but  NINA  got  wild,  and  said,  "  It  is  his  duty."  Iiy  this 
tim.'  .IANK  had  got  me.  She  said,  "  Ah,  and  it  's  my 
work  to  g.-t  the  room  tidy,  and  I  won't  have  no  more 
of  it."  1  'd  poured  thrm  all  out,  and  I  told  her  it  was 
•ood  going  on  like  that.  She  went  out  in  a  temper, 
and  NINA  and  I  sp.-nt  ever  so  much  time  in  picking  up 
the  Icav.s.  .1  \NK  forgave  us  afterwards;  and  I  put  some 
leaves  down  Mrs.  AUSTIN'S  back.  She  said,  "  A  joke  's 
a  joke,  hut  this  is  too  much,"  and  she  ordered  me  out 
of  the  kitchen.  I  am  quite  sure  she  really  is  getting 
material.  K.  C.  L. 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CnARIVARf.-y..vt:yiiEB  0,  1907. 


JULIUS    CENSOR. 


"  LET  ME  HAVE  MEN   ABOl T  ME  THAT  ARE   FAT  .... 
YOND  CASSIUS  HAS  A   LEAN    AND   HI  NUKY   LOOK; 
HE  TI1IXKS  TOO  UUCI1:   SUCH  1JEX  AKK  DAXOEUOL'S."— Juliut  Co-gar,  Act  I.,  Sc.  2. 


NOVEMBER  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


329 


"li's  STOPPED  KAININ',  MISTER." 


SOME   ROYAL   CORRESPONDENCE. 

MY  DEAR  NEPHEW, — I  wanted  to  tell  you  a  lot  of 
things  on  Wednesday  when  I  saw  you,  but  you  wouldn't 
keep  awake. 

I  heard  some  time  ago  that  you  were  born.  I  didn't 
know  what  kind  of  a  relation  you  would  be,  and  Mama 
said  you  were  a  sort  of  cousin.  But  now  I  have  seen 
you  I  think  she  must  be  mistaken.  As  you  are  so  very 
young  I  have  decided  that  you  must  be  my  nephew,  and 
I  shall  therefore  expect  you  to  call  me  Uncle. 

As  this  is  your  first  visit  to  England  I  want  to  give 
you  some  advice. 

Let  me  say  first  of  all  that  in  England  it  is  con- 
sidered rather  bad  form  to  go  to  sleep  when  people  are 
introduced  to. you,  as  you  did  last  Wednesday.  I  could 
have  awakened  you — at  least,  I  think  I  could — but  your 
nurse  saw  me  at  it,  and  as  she  seemed  a  bit  cross  about 
it  I  didn't  trouble  any  further. 

Always  remember  to  salute  the  sentries.  They  are 
the  men  with  funny  hats,  who  hold  guns  to  their  chests 
as  you  go  through  the  gates.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to 
put  your  hand  to  your  cap — bonnet,  as  a  rule,  in  your 
case.  You  will  see  it  in  the  papers  the  next  day. 

You  should  have  a  few  amusements  outside  the 
nursery,  but  if  you  take  my  advice  you  won't  go  in  for 
diabolo.  I  have  tried  it,  and  it  is  a  rotten  game. 

Clothes  are  very  important.  Unless  you  set  the 
fashion  to  Englishmen  of  your  own  age,  you  cannot 
claim  to  have  succeeded.  I  did  that  last  year,  and  shall 
do  so  again  this.  Insist  on  having  the  clothes  you 
want.  I  had  some  trouble  this  time,  but  got  over  it. 
I  wanted  a  red  coat  and  hat,  but  Mama  said  my  other 
coat,  with  fur  on  it,  would  do  quite  well.  I  then 
found  that  this  furry  coat  was  too  tight,  and  I  said 
hadn't  I  better  have  a  red  one  after  all?  Mama's 


answer  to  that  was  to  send  for  a  tailor  to  alter  it  for  me. 
(Perhaps  you  read  about  it  in  the  papers.  It  only  cost 
£38,  not  £40,  as  the  papers  said.  My  tailor  allows  five 
per  cent.,  and  I  will  give  you  his  address  if  you  like.) 
After  that  it  fitted  quite  well.  But  I  got  the  right  side 
of  Grandmama  (by  the  way,  you  will  find  that  useful, 
and  rather  easy,  occasionally),  and  that  is  how  I  came 
to  Sandringham  in  a  red  coat,  after  all. 

Quite  a  large  party  is  being  invited  to  meet  me  in 
England.  Grandpapa  has  invited  you  three,  and  some 
grown-up  cousins  from  Germany,  and  several  others. 
Could  you  bring  some  liquorice  with  you?  (Don't  for- 
get you  are  to  call  me  Uncle.) 

Believe  me,  my  dear  Nephew, 

Your  affectionate  Uncle, 

OLAF. 

The  Bristol  Times  and  Mirror  has  a  boisterous  sense 
of  humour,  which  breaks  out  even  on  the  most 
solemn  occasions.  For  instance,  in  the  matter  of 
cheap  sponge  rolls — a  serious  question  if  ever  there  was 
one — we  read:  — 

"Cheap  Sponge  Roll.— Take  a  leacupful  of  flour,  and  mix  it  with 
a  tcacupful  of  caster  sugar  and  a  teaspoonful  of  baking  powder; 
break  two  eggs  into  a  cup,  then  slide  into  the  mixture." 


The  Diabolo  Selling  Plate. 

"  TLe  winner  of  the  handsome  Cup  presented  by  the  Crystal  Palace 
Company  for  annual  competition  was  won  by  Master  Ben  Nicholson, 
who  is  not  much  more  than  twelve  years  of  age." 

HE  certainly  seems  rather  young  for  an  owner. 


Commercial  Candour. 

FROM  the  menu  of  a  West  End  Restaurant : 
"Sumy  Fowl  Grand'Mere 1/9." 


330 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK   L'lNDoN   CHARIVARI. 


[N..u.\iu;Ji  C. 


A    MUSICAL    COMEDY. 

Or  course  I  am  still  glad  that   I 
bought    the    pianola.     It   is,    as    th<> 
••aid  it  fortr.iL'ht  iiL'o,  a  handsome 
ali.tioil    to    any    gentleman's 


Ainl    it    plays-    it    plays    beautifully; 
that  ivally  was  wliy  1  bought  it.     Hut 
1  hate  being  rushed. 
make  up  my  mind  ns  quickly  as  any 
man    when    it    is    necessary. 
must  say  that  I  pn-f.-r  time  in  which 
to    weigh    a    matt.T    .  fully. 

I*et  us  consider  Ixith  sides,   I   say   to 
'-       I'm.  :    I     want    a    pianola. 
Hut  the  man  will  want  some 
money  for  it. 

In  this  case  I  was  simply  rushed 
into  it;  and,  though  I  hesitate  to  put 
the  blame  upon  a  woman,  still  I 
cannot  help  repeating  that  it  was  en- 
tirely MARY'S  fault.  I  dep. 
upon  her  moral  support  to  get  me 
out  of  that  shop,  and  she  failed  tin-. 

The  business  was  all  over  in  a 
second.  I  wanted  a  couple  of  gramo- 
phone records;  and  MARY,  being  an 
authority  on  music,  came  to  help  me 
choose  them.  We  stopped  before 
an  extremely  harmonious  -  looking 
shop,  and  considered  for  a  moment. 

"  I  should  think  they  'd  have 
them  here,"  I  said.  "  Shall  we  go 
in  and  s< 

'They're  sure  to,"  said  MARY; 
"  and  if  they  haven't  we  can  come 
out  again." 

"  That  's  all  very  well  for  you. 
Women  can  do  a  thing  like  that,  but 
it  's  different  with  UR.  I  've  never 
yet  been  into  a  shop  without  buying 
something.  And  most  men  would 
say  the  same." 

"  Cheer  up.  I  '11  see  you  out  all 
right." 

That,  mark  you,  was  a  promise. 
We  went  inside. 

|  '  Good  afternoon,"  said  MARY. 

"Good  afternoon,"  said  a  very 
polite  man. 

There  was  a  pause,  and  I  thought 
it  was  time  I  took  a  turn  in  the  con- 
versation. 

"  We  want  —  that  is,  I  want  some 
gramophone  records." 

"  W.-  have  no  gramophone  re- 
cords here,  sir;  we  only  have 
pianolas." 

Now,  I  ask  you,  what  could  a  man 
say  to  that?  It  is  easy  to  be  wise 
after  the  event,  but  for  the  moment 
all  I  saw  was  that  the  conversation 
had  to  be  continue,)  somehow.  1 
glanced  at  MARY.  A  woman  V 
was  wanted  here;  besides  she  had 

prom: 

She  was  looking  out  of  the 
window,  the  traitor!  I  waited  a 
little  longer  :  the  polite  man  also 


waited.       1    cou-iv    .  sly.       The 

situation    v 

•ughed  again.  .  .  .  mul  then  1 
siii.l,  in  a  husky  voice,  really  the 
only  thing  that  was  left  to  say. 

"  ( >h,  well,  then,"  I  said,  "  I  sup- 
pose     I     shall     ha\e     to     have 
:as." 

There   v  -un  of   triumph   in 

the   man 

rtainh  ,  sir.      How  many  would 
you   1. 

Then    M  vitY    broke    in — quite    un- 
^anly,    liecuuse    1    had    already 
determined   on   the  number. 

"  We  M    better   h:i\e   oi 
with,    and    then    if    we    like    it    we 
can — 

"If  you  would  just  step  upstairs, 
madam.  " 

We  were  upstairs  in  no  time,  and 
the  man  was  patting  an  enormous 
pianola  on  the  back. 

"  This,"  he  said,  "  is  the  ve: 
quality  instrument  we  are  turning 
out."  He  put  his  foot  on  the  loud 
pedal,  and  played  three  impressive 
chords.  "  Beautiful  tone,  you  see, 
sir  " 

"  Is  that  a  beautiful  tone'.1':  I 
asked  MARY. 

"  Beautiful, "  said  MARY. 

"  I  particularly  wanted  a  beauti- 
ful tone,"  I  said.  "  How  much 
is  it?" 

He  came  up  very  close  to  us. 

"  I  may  tell  you  in  confidence," 
he  said,  "  that  you  have  looked  in 
at  a  very  lucky  moment.  This  is  tin- 
last  hour  of  our  biennial  sale,  and 
we  have  just  this  one  instrument 
over."  He  patted  it  kindly.  "In 
the  ordinary  way  1  should  charge  you 
two  thousand  eight  hundred  and 
ninety-five  pounds,  but  seeing  that 
it  is  the  salfc  and  you  are  new  cus- 
tomers, I  will  let  you  have  it  for 
two  thousand  eight  hundred  and 
ninety-four." 

"  Thank  you,"  I  said,  "  thank 
you,  indeed." 

'  Net,"  he  added. 

"  Net  by  all  means,"  I  agreed. 
"Well,  what  do  you  think?"  I 
asked  MARY. 

I  am  convinced  that  M  \nv  might 
have  explained  even  then  that  v.  .• 
were  only  asking  for  a  friend.  Hut 
not  she. 

"    -.   I  think  so,"  she  said. 

I   turned   again   to  the  shopman. 

"  I  think  it  is  a  beautiful  instru- 
ment," I  said,  "and  I  particularly 
like  the  tone.  May  1  go  home  now, 
mul  think  it  all  over,  anil  then  I  'II 
come  and  buy  it  tomorrow?" 

1|.    look)   1   at  his  watch. 

"There  is  an  \meii. -an  colonel 
coming  in  to  glance  »t  it  in  five 
minutes.  It  lies  between  him  and 


anoth'  ni-1.       Ai 

•    the    Kale    price    would    liot    bu 

available   to  -morrow.      Still ' 

,  I     felt    in    my  "  II.  w 

much    have    you    cot  '.'  "    1    whi-; 
t..     M  \ni  ,ght    shillings 

that  's   what    1  Ae 

It   's  like  this."    I    said   iicrvoi; 
I  V  r    two   thousand   eight 

hundred  and  ninety-three  I  n;.  an, 
1  '\e  only  got  three  [.omuls  on  me." 
"  That  's  quite  all  right,  sir.  You 
can,  if  you  like,  pay  three  pounds 
down,  and  two  hundred  a  month  for 
twenty  years  instead." 

"  Two     hundred      now     that     • 
s  •  <in   much   I.  :i    I    think     ut 

least    I   'in    l:ot   <|i, 

1'erliapS    We    ',1    better    sign    before 
llODel    con,.  I,       He  'II    be    here    ill 

two  minutes  now   ....     Just  there 
.    .    .    .      Thank  you." 

You  haven't  helped  me  a  bit," 
I  whispered  to  M\RY.  as  I  got  up 
and  walked  round  the  piai 

"I  -    it    all    in;  '    I    asked. 

"  Oh,  that  reminds  me    They  're  \-  IN 
expensive      to      feed.       these      tl 
aren't    they   '       1  |,.w    many    roi 
they  get   through  a  day'.'" 

"  We  can  sell  you  the  rolls  separ- 
ately, sir,  or  you  can  join  a  library. 
If  you  join  the  library  \ou  sign  just 
there  ....  Thank  you." 

"  Have  you  a  music-stool'.'  "  asked 
the  faithless  MAKY. 

"  A     music-stool     would     be     just 
there,    sir.   .   .   .  Thank    you.       lh>\\ 
about  the  colour,  sir?     We  can 
it    any    colour   you    like.      Walnut 
niai. 

"  Wha't   about  walnut0  "  I  said. 

"<Mi.    mahogany,"   said    MAKY. 

"  Mahogany  would  be  just  there, 
sir.  .  .  .  Thank  you.  I  'II  sen, I  M  u 
a  copy  of  the  agreement.  And  now 
is  there  anything  else  you  'd  hi 

I  looked  at  M  \i.\  and  rubbed  my 
head. 

"  There  vim  something,  I  know 

"  Was    there'.'  " 

"Of  course  there  was      I'.m't   you 
re  member'.'      Something — no — yes — 
.'      it  ' 

1  turned  triumphantly  to  the  man 

"  We      want      some      gramophone 
I   -  aid.  A.   A.   M. 


IK  Mr.    HOOITU.   h.Mead  of  raving 

about       t/l'KKN       Yli  ToUM's        I.. 
would    only    read    his    I'.irluimjt 
Mart    all    might     \>-t     be    well.     The 
/•.'jv/i./»i.;r    unit    Mint,    Mr.    HOOI-KK. 
-..nietiines    contains     advertisements 
his  : 

"  AU.nl    1    ton    rni»  plbneous  bound    booki, 
.ckol.  3,-." 

I'lease  do  not  miss  it. 


NOVEMBER  G,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


331 


•f?lL'. 


WHAT     UCItT     AI 
ONOC*     WINDOW     BUMS 


rlM-HCT.WWT   A    FAILING     Off    WAiTMlRt' 


cj  iiigny)  Jio\JoSy  JetJrin !  in  Jyana 
TMLN  TROWL  me  BONNY  BOWL  TO  ME." 
(ZUt) 


TMIMK    Of    TMlb.COOO    PttRJ. 

BUT  W>  A  THIN*  Of   CUSTOM  -  TU  «0 

IT  aroitb  TH  citAbutt  of  T*  nut 


*NUN  Stl   BE.DANKT,MtlI1  UIBIR 


'   MOW    0"  THt    5I*KT    Ql    MIANJ   TO  DO  IU  UllOJ 
MAKtJ      ILL    DtC.0-.     OOnt  I  " 


THE    ATLANTIC    STAGE. 

[The  newer  and  larger  ocean  liners  are  to  be  provided  with  theatres.] 


332 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  6.  1907. 


THE  SMITHFIELO   CRATULATORS. 

A  cKowiiK.D  meeting  was  held  at 
Smithfield  lust  night  to  decide  upon 
some  token  of  apprccitition  to  bo  pre- 
sented by  the  Butt-hens'  I'nion  of 
Great  Britain  to  Mr.  MAI-KICK 
HEWLETT  in  return 
for  conferring  upon 
the  Trado  tho  ch 
honour  of  making 
a  butcher  the  hero 
of  hia  new  and  full 
blooded  romance. 
The  chair  was  taken 
by  the  Mayor  of 
Canterbury,  and 
there  were  present 
also  Mr.  JOHN 
FITTKR,  Mr.  JAMES 
FITTER,  Mr.  HENRY 
FITTER,  Mr.  THOMAS 
FITTKR,  tho  Agent- 
General  for  New  Zea- 
land, Mrs.  STEEL,  Mr. 
WALTER  Si.u  <HITER, 
Mr.  J.  G.  Bi'TCifER, 
Lord  KII.LAXIN,  and 
Professor  KSACKFUSS 
(of  Berlin). 

The  Mayor  of 
Canterbury  opened 
proceedings  by  read- 
ing a  number  of  let- 
ters from  men  of 
eminence  and  gentle- 
men well  known  in 
the  Trade,  who  were 
unavoidably  pre- 
vented from  attend- 
ing, including  the 
Master  of  Leaden- 
hall,  the  Arch- 
bishop of  the 
Abattoirs,  and  Mr. 
M  u  i  R  n  E  A  D  BONE. 
Tho  Master  of 
Leadcnhall  said  he 
had  not  had  such  a 
treat  as  Mr.  HEW- 
LETT'S new  novel 
gave  him,  not  since 
he  read  the  works 
of  Mr.  SHAN  BUL- 
LOCK. All  the  book 
needed  was  a  few 
prime  cuts  by  Mr. 
REOIN\LD  CLEAVER. 
No  honour  could  be 
too  great  for  such  an 
author.  To  put  it  succinctly,  Mr. 
HEWLETT  by  his  noble  and  unselfish 
action  had,  in  tho  language  of  the 
moment,  given  the  butchers  "  recog- 
nition." (Loud  applause.)  Before 
concluding  he  thought  it  right  to 
mention  that,  since  the  publication 
of  the  book,  seven  grateful  parents  in 
the  Trade  had  named  their  infants 
DAVID  VERSOI-R.  Letters  of  protest 


then    read    from    Mr.    (1: 
HKIINAHD    SHAW,    Mrs.    KAKLE,    and 
Mr.    EUSTACE    MILLS,    the    au  . 
meanwhile    singing    '.'  For    ho     [Mr. 

LETT]   's  a  jolly  good  fellow." 
The     CHAIRMAN     in     his     opening 
r.-i.'.:irks     said     that     he     wi-h-d     to 


\\ttiltr.   "ABB   TOO   WAITUiU    AT  THE  UtlLD 'ALL  TO-NIOUT?" 

City  UoynoU.  "No,  SIR.     I  AM  DIXIXU  AT  nut  OOILD'ALL. 


identify  himself  with  the  sentiments 
of  the  Master  of  Leadeuhall.  (!!•  ir, 
hear.)  The  question  before  the 
meeting  was  what  should  bo  done  by 
way  of  testimonial  to  the  author  of 
The  Stooping  I.ndy. 

A  Voice:  "  The  freedom  of  Smith- 
field.': 

Tho  CHAIRMAN  Raid  that  that 
i  follow  ns  n  matter  of  course. 


(Cheers.)  But  something  more 
tangible  was,  it  was  felt,  desirable — 
•hing  that  Mr.  HKWI.KIT  could 
treasure  and  show  to  his  friends;  in 
a  «•  rd,  something  that  he  could  put 
on  his  mantelpiece.  c  :itlm- 

biasm.)     What  should  that   I  •         !!•• 

left      it      to     (he      ! 

ing  to  decide.  i  Ap- 
plaus 

Mr      Joir;     I  1 1  ii  K 
d'-d   the   motion. 
II      laid    that    he   • 
from    ||.  .1    of 

Mr.  Hi  \N  1.1. n  s  fas 
cinatin;;  ;iive 

inches  taller  and  si\ 
more  round  the  11- 
bone.  Huth  e 
wished  to  point  out 
that  this  friendly  in- 
•  t  in  the  Trade 
on  the  p. .it  (.(  the 

1     Illltl:..' 

new  thin^.  Mr. 
HK\\  :  I  al  \\a\s 

been  true  to  hutehers 
and  meat.  1'id  he 
not  write  Tlir  \<  "' 
('unterbiinj  J.<n> 
Talcs  from  ('/iniir.  r, 
one  of  t  -in-- 

ce  s  s  f  u  1  hooks  of 
modern  tin  -  I'.nor- 
mons  u.) 

The  only  criticism 
Mr.  .Ions  FITTER) 
hail  to  make  was  that 
Mr.  Hi  v.  i. KIT'S  title 
WOS  derogatory  1'V 
suggesting  that  the 
Lady  stoopeil  It 
was  no  disgrace  to 
a  luitcher.  Car- 
dinal Wol.-l  V  "as  the 
son  of  a  hutcher; 
Cambridge  University 
was  re|  1  by 

one  at  this  moment 
— to  give  but  t\\o 
examples.  lie  hnd 
statistics  in  his  pos- 
.11  proving  that 
butc'  ally 

loved.  uing 

cheers   )  The     ij 

tion     u;^,     what     to 
do?       His  own  i 
lay    in    the    direction 
of    a    silver    pol. 
That  might  either  l.e  hung  up  on  tlu> 
wall  or  repose  on  the  lideboard.     It 
might     also     come     in     handy     for 
pageants,      pn\:iie     tl..  aiiieals,     or 
fancy-dress  balls. 

A       delepite       from       the       North 
remarked    that    he    had    once    K- 
highly  artistic  wateh-chain  ornament 
in  the  shape  of  a  cutlet. 

Mr.   JAMI:S   I'ITTKH  suggested  that 


6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


333 


bullocks'  horns  well  mounted  made 
an  excellent  hat-rack.  He  had  a 
very  good  pair  at  home. 

Mr  HKXRY  FITTER  thought  tliat 
a  mummified  sheep's  heart  in  a  gold 
casket  would  be  tasteful. 

Mr.  J.  G.  BI-TCHKR,  K.C.,  in  an 
eloquent  speech,  suggested  that  an 
illuminated  address  should  bo  pre- 
sented to  Mr.  HEWLETT,  conferring 
on  him  the  honorary  title  of  "  Carni- 
fex  Maximus." 

Mr.  THOMAS  FITTER,  whoso  re- 
marks were  imperfectly  heard,  was 
understood  to  say  that  he  opposed 
any  testimonial  to  Mr.  HEWLETT,  on 
the  ground  that  in  his  novel  the 
butcher  was  placed  in  the  pillory  and 
shot.  In  these  circumstances  the 
role  of  hero  was  a  barren  honour. 

The  Mayor  of  Canterbury   having 
cleared    up  the    misapprehension    of 
the  last  speaker  by  reading  a  passage 
from  the  final  chapter  of  Mr.  HEW- 
LETT'S novel,  the  various  suggestions 
were  voted  upon,  with  the  result  that 
Mr.    HENRY    FITTER'S   proposal    was 
practically  carried   unanimously.     It 
was  further  decided  that  the  task  o. 
composing  a  suitable  inscription  for 
the  casket  should  be  entrusted  to  a 
sub-committee,     consisting    of     Mr 
JOHN  FITTER,    Sir  JAMES   CRICHTON 
BROWNE  and  Mr.  WALTER  SLAUGHTER 
The    meeting    then    broke   up    after 
singing   "  The   Roast   Beef   of   Eng 
land.' 


THE  SPEAKING  EYE. 

ONE  of  our  scientists  for  the  mil 
lion    has    been    drawing    inferences 
about  character  from  the  position  ol 
the    human    eye    in    regard    to    the 
brain. 

Says  the  Professor:  "A  project 
ing  eye  more  readily  receives  im- 
pressions from  surrounding  objects." 
We  presume  that  this  must  be 
taken  as  more  particularly  applying 
to  bed-posts,  door-handles,  and 
other  convex  objects. 

Says  the  Professor:  "Persons 
with  prominent  eyes  have  a  great 
command  of  words."  Whenever  we 
have  happened  to  witness  the 
sudden  awakening  of  such  persons 
to  their  peculiar  disadvantage,  as 
exemplified  in  the  previous  observa- 
tion, we  have  been  made  painfully 
aware  of  the  truth  of  this  statement. 

Says  the  Professor :  "  The  colour 
of  the  eyes  is  caused  by  fluids." 
Also,  in  many  cases,  the  colour  of 
the  nose. 

Says  the  Professor:  "  Round-eyed 
people  see  much."  Ah!  yes,  that  's 
what  makes  their  eyes  so  round. 

Says     the      Professor:    "Fulness 


PRECEPT    AND    EXAMPLE. 


under  the  eyes  indicates  largo  lan- 
guage." But  how  far  under  the 
eyes?  If  as  much  as  2J  feet  does  it 
not  rather  indicate  large  appetite  for 
starchy  foods'? 

"  A  lad  was  fined  at  Altrinolmm  on  a  charge 
of  s'.ealing  golf  balls  from  the  Timpeiley  links, 
t  was  staled  that  lie  went  on  the  course  with  a 
shire  in  order  to  prepare  the  way  for  Socialist 
randidafes  ut  future  general  elections.'1 — York- 
hire  Herald. 

THE  evidence  seems  a  little  hazy, 
>ut  no  doubt  the  lad  had  been  care- 
ully  identified  as  an  ex-convict,  and 
inly  got  his  deserts. 


"  In  the  winter  one  likes  to  hare  tn  inn- 
chair,  and  one's  toes  not  too  far  from  the 
fender,  and  some  loi-nrely  things  like  muffins 
to  eat,  and  a  fur-lined  cont.  MI  that  one  ran 
throw  it  languidly  back." — 77*  Kytander. 

WE  are  not  at  all  sure  that  this 
means  what  wo  think  it  does. 


WRITING  of  a  certain  -millionaire 
who  was  present  at  the  Sunday- 
school  Convention,  the  Quiver  says: 

"  Mr.  Heinz's  modesty  is  shown  by  the  f_ct 
that  he  often  sit  among  the  reporters." 

This  was  really  very  nice  of  him, 
but  perhaps  nobody  else  would 
listen  to  his  speeches. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBEB  6,    1907. 


OUR    MUNICIPAL    ELECTION. 

ie  tupporter  of  RMnton.  "  UESTIF.VEN,  MR.  JONES.  THE    BETIBINU  MEMBER,  Bis  BEEN  A  MERE  cirast  is  n  »M. 

II  MT   uriHIOl   lit.   KOBIVSO*  WILL  HAKE  EQUALLY   AS  GOOD   A   REPRESENTATIVE."  [/.OK  . 


THE  ENGLISHMAN. 

DEAR  Mr.  Punch, — The  other  day 
I  was  reading  my  Time*  in  the  Tube, 
as  is  my  custom,  on  my  way  to  the 
City,  when  I  came  suddenly  upon 
these  words : 

"  What  Englishman,  for  example,  if  there 
who  doe*  not  thrill  with  a  fellow  feeling  when 
be  hears  or  remember*  the  lines : 

1  Ezcudeut  alii  spirantia  molliiis  aera, 
Credo  equidem :  Tiros  ducent  de  marmore 

vultua; 

Orabunt  causa*  melius  ;  caelique  meutus 
Describent  radio,  et  surgentia  sidera  >liceat : 
Tu  regere   imperio  populoa,   Rocu>..r,  me- 
mento: 
Hae  tibi  erunt  artea ;   pscisque  imponere 

morem. 
Par  cere  snbjectis,  et  debellare  superbos '  ?  " 

For  the  moment,  I  must  confess, 
the  lines  left  me  a  trifle  cold,  but 
upon  reading  them  through  a  second 
time  they  seemed  to  stir  a  respon- 
sive chord  in  my  heart,  while  a  third 
application  convinced  me  that  once 
again  The  Time*  had  proved  how 
fully  it  understood  the  very  soul  of 
our  island  race.  To  make  assur- 
ance double  sure,  however,  I  turned 
to  the  young  man  next  to  me,  a 
clerk  in  a  subordinate  position  (as  I 
judged),  but  a  typical  Englishman, 


and  said  to  him   with   considerable 
emotion : 

"  F.xcuilent  alii  spirantia  mollius  aera. 
Credo  oquidem  :  vivos  ducent  de  mannore 
vullus." 

11'  did  not  appear  to  be  moved. 
He  raised  his  eyebrows,  and  said 
sympathetically:  "  1  atn  very  sorry. 
Can  I  help  you  at  all?  " 

I  continued  in  n  vibrating  voice : 

"  Orsbunt  causas  melius ;    caelique  mcatus 
Deecribent    radio,  et  surgentia  aiders  di- 
oeuL" 

Here  I  paused  for  breath,  and  the 
young  man,  who  had  listened 
gravely,  broke  in. 

"  Ah  1  "  he  said,  "I  was  afraid 
you  were  going  to  say  that.  And  it 
is  not  for  me  to  say  that  she  was 
wrong. ' ' 

I  am  nothing  if  not  persevering, 
so  I  proceeded : 

"Tu  regere  imperio  popoloi,  Romans,  me- 
mento: 
Hae  tibi  erunt " 

"  One   moment,"   he   interrupted. 
"  What  became  of  the  will?    I  think 
that   if  we  could  find    the    will    we 
'•I  be  all  right.     N  -.\ ,  suj  ; 

.;inue 
vour  narrative." 


He  was  quite  int> -rested,  y.-t  ii"t 
what  I  should  call  "thrilled."  1 
looked  at  him  eaivfiilly,  hut  there 
was  no  doubt  Unit  he  iy  an 

Englishman.     Acrunlm^ly  I  I'" 
the  quotation. 

As   I   r«  .    -ho   last   words   we 

entered  Chamvry  Lane  station.  The 
young  man  jumped  up,  and  raised 
his  hat. 

"  I  arn  afraid,"  he  said.  "  that  I 
have  to  leave  you  now.  The  insis- 
tent call  of  duty — but  there,  you 
understand.  I  have  found  it  a  most 
interesting  case — most  i: 
Some  day  I  shall  hope  to  hear  how 
it  all  ends  up.  Good-day  to  you." 

He  bowed  again,  and  hurried  out. 
h,    is    an    accurate 

relation  of  all  that  passed  !•  :v. •.  n 
us.  The  iiu-iil.  nt  n;  con- 

siderably,   and    at    the   unV.-    I    was 
quite    incapable    of    attending     pro- 
perly to  my   business.     \Vm-se.   than 
that,  I  am  now   forced  to  the 
elusion    that    The    Times    is    not    so 
closely  in  touch  with  tin-  pr.-at  pulse 
of  the  English  people  as  I  had 
tuiij,'ht    to    believe.      This    is    a    dis- 
,ng    thought    to    one    who    has 
before  now  signed  himself 

PATERFAMILIAS^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIUVARL-NovEMBEB  6,  1907. 


QUITE   AT   HOME. 


OLAF.  "COME  ALONG,  OLD  MAN.    I'LL  SHOW  YOU  ROUND.     I'VE  BEEN  HERE  BEFORE.' 
ASTUBIAS.  "RIGHT!    I'M  WITH  YOU!" 


NOVEMBER  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


337 


Welter  Weight.  " DID  YOU  HEAR  THE  DRESSING  DOWN  THE  MASTER  GAVE  TOIIB  FBIEXD  CRASHER?    Br  JOVE,  HE  DID  LET  HIV  DAVB  IT!' 
Tliruster.  "Guu>  OF  THAT.    WHAT  DID  HE  SAY  TO  HIM?" 
W.  \V.  "  SAID  HE  WAS  NEARLY  AS  BAD  AS  Yon ! " 


NEWS  FROM  SOCIALIST  CIRCLES. 

MR.  CONQUEROR  BRAYSON  has  been 
singularly  quiet  during  the  past 
week.  Apart  from  his  mordant  re- 
ference on  Tuesday  to  the  House  of 
Lords  as  "a  set  of  doddering 
clothes-props,"  his  witty  stigma- 
tising of  the  PREMIER  on  Wednesday 
as  "  a  superannuated  butter-mer- 
chant," and  his  Thursday's  epi- 
grammatic allusion  to  Mr.  BALFOUR 
as  "  an  indiarubber  -  conscienced 
foozler  " — apart  from  these  caustic 
scintillations  he  has  shown  no  open 
sign  of  vitality.  But  to  those  who 
know  him  best  this  but  indicates 
that  the  fires  within  are  being 
banked  up  to  a  white  heat,  and  that 
Europe  will  shortly  stagger  before 
his  blazing  denunciation  of  the 
powers  that  be. 

Meanwhile  it  is  highly  significant 
that  he  has  withdrawn  his  subscrip- 
tion from  the  North  Hanwell  Christ- 
mas Goose  Club. 

*         *         *         *         * 

The  Fabian  Society  have  at  last 
determined  to  show  the  world  that 
they  can  do  as  well  as  dare.  An 
active  campaign  is  being  planned  to 
denounce  all  Socialists  who  are  not 
Fabians,  and,  in  addition,  the  fol- 
lowing legislative  reforms  are  to  bo 
urged  vigorously  before  the  middle - 
class  elector:  — 


(1)  A  State  pension  of  £300  to  all 
who    have    attained    discretion — i.e., 
joined  the  Fabian  Society. 

(2)  The    recognition    of    the    prin- 
ciple of  "  one  wife,  one  year." 

(3)  The  abolition  of  the  upper  and 
working  classes. 

***** 

The  Independent  Labour  Party 
have  prepared  a  stirring  programme 
for  the  winter.  In  the  forefront  is 
their  daring  mission  to  convert  tho 
Fabian  Society  from  the  error  of 
their  ways.  Other  vital  points  in 
their  propaganda  are  :  — 

(1)  A  State  pension  of  £500  a  year 
to  all  members  of  trade  unions  ap- 
proved by  the  I.L.P. 

(2)  The    recognition    of    the    prin- 
ciple  of    "  one   nation,    one   drink — 
end  that  drink  bear." 

(3)  The  abolition  of  the  upper  and 
middle  classes. 

***** 

An  interesting  item  of  news  is 
that  the  editor  of  The  Cornet-a- 
piston  has  determined  to  paste  the 
Jolly  Roger  to  tho  mast  and  lo 
scissor  free  from  the  shackles  of  tho 
I.L.P.,  the  Fabian  Society,  and 
Socialists  in  general.  His  ideals  are 
pitched  high,  but  we  must  remember 
that  "  in  great  attempts  it  is  glorious 
even  to  fail  ": — 

(1)  A   State  pension-  of  -£1,000  a 


'year  to  all  readers  of  The  Cornet-il- 
piston.  Double  to  all  advertisers  in 
The  Cornet-a-piston  of  whatever 
shado  of  opinion. 

(2)  The    recognition    of    the    prin- 
ciple of  "  one  nation,  oue  leader." 

(3)  The    abolition    of    the    upper, 
middle,  and  working  classes. 

***** 

[Latest    news    of    the    House    of 
Lords. — Strength  well  maintained.] 

WINGED  WORDS. 

(from  the  Perth  Crirltet  Ground,  U««t 
Australia.) 

I  HAVE  no  eloquence  to  tame 

Or  rouse  the  passions  of  a  nation ; 
I  do  not  seek  a  poet's  fame, 
Nor  urge  my  sisters  on  to  claim 

Emancipation. 
Yet    have    I    spoken    words    whose 

sound 
Men     heard     amid     surrounding 

babel ; 

From  mouth  to  mouth  did  they  re- 
bound, 

Until  at  length  they  flashed  around 
The  world  by  cable. 

It  was  no  doctrine  crafty  foe 
Or     foolish     friend     distorts     and 

garbles — 

No  new  theology — ah,  no!- 
I  only  bade  the  bowler  "  Go 
And  play  at  marbles." 


131 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MBER  C,    1907. 


ILLUSTRIOUS    GOLFERS. 


irith  humble  arTtnoirltdyment*  to 
iht  golfing  expert  of  "  The  Throne."] 

I'm:  SIIMI  OK  I'KKSIA  is  perhaps  the 
most  conspicuous  of  Oriental  golfers, 
unleu,  indeed,  we  except  tin- 
Dow  AGER  EMPRESS  OF  CMIS\.  i 
prowess  must  be  chronicled  in  a 
separate  paragraph.  The  SIIMI. 
though  his  tendency  to  embonjicint 
obliges  him  to  adopt  a  rather 
liar  stance,  is  a  decidedly  impr 
player,  and  when  he  stnkes  the  ball 
has  been  known  to  make  it  travel 
quite  a  considerable  distance.  This 
illustrious  potentate  generally  plays 
on  the  private  links  in  the  palace  gar- 
dens at  Teheran,  and  it  is  a  remark- 
able fact  that  he  has  never  been 
defeated  by  any  of  his  opponents. 
Members  of  the  revolutionary  party 
have  not  scrupled  to  assert  that 
to  defeat  the  SHAH  means  instant 
death;  but  this  statement  is  so  ob- 
viously actuated  by  anti-dynastic 
animus  as  to  merit  little  credence. 

The  DOWAOER  EMPRESS  OF  CHINA 
is  probably  the  most  remarkable  of 
Royal  female  golfers  east  of  Suez. 
Though  no  longer  in  her  premiere 
jeunetie  this  redoubtable  lady  is  said 
to  be  far  the  most  original  player  in 
the  Forbidden  City.  She  holds  the 
record  for  the  palace  links—  72 
strokes  for  the  first  hole.  It  is  re- 
ported that  ANDREW  KIRKALDY  has 
been  engaged  to  go  out  to  Pekin  in 
the  spring  at  a  princely  salary,  and 
with  the  promise  of  a  mandarin's 
rank  if  he  can  reduce  the  EMPRESS'S 
handicap  to  double  figures. 

During  a  round  with  the  Cheva- 
lier HARRY  DE  QUEUX  the  other  day, 
the  PRESIDENT  of  the  REPUBLIC  OF 
SAN  MARINO  accomplished  a  very 
remarkable  performance.  While 
playing  out  of  a  heavy  lie  the  PRESI- 
DENT missed  the  globe  completely, 
and  drove  his  iron  so  deep  into  the 
ground  as  to  kill  a  mole  which  was 
unsuspiciously  burrowing  some  throe 
inches  below  the  surface.  The 
PRESIDENT  graciously  presented  the 
animal  to  his  friend  as  a  memento 
of  the  episode,  and  the  Chevalier  is 
having  the  skin  made  into  ear  flaps. 
which  he  intends  to  wear  during  hit) 
forthcoming  trip  to  the  Arctic 
regions. 

Hi  so  LEOPOLD,  though  he  only 
took  to  golf  a  few  years  ago,  has 
made  really  remarkable  progress. 
This  is  probably  due  to  the  fact  thnt 
before  beginning  to  play  matches  he 
practised  for  several  months  with  a 
captive  ball  made  of  the  best  red 
rubber  from  the  Congo.  This  captive 
ball,  which  wus  knocked  completely 
out  of  shape  by  the  Royal  player,  is 


now  pn-v  r.  I'd  in  the  palace  at 
Laokeii  amongst  other  trophies  ol 
KINC.  I.i"i.  I.D'S  skill  and  sports- 
manship. 

KINO  PKTER  OK  SI.KMA,  who  is  pro- 
bably  one  of  the  finest  crowned  ex 
ts   of    the    Itoynl    and    Ancient 
triune  to  be  found  in  the  Balkans,  lias 
t'reatly   strengthened   his   (x.sition   by 
the     brilliant     remark     he     recently- 
made    to    one    of    his    aidm-df-rn>nj> 
ilurinc  the  course  of  a  foursome  on 
the    Slivnit/.a   links.      The    Kis.i,    in 
endeavouring  to  negotiate  a  bunker, 
took   ground   heavily.        "  See,"    h 
remarked      with      a     merry     smile 
"  what  a  divotee  of  the  game  I  have 
become." 

PRINCE    CHARMING. 

["  Charm  »nd  beauty  Iwlong  pre-eminently  to 
youth  and  old  »g«."—  i/r«.  (' Vo'y/i/on.] 

WIIK.N   gay  Commem.   our  windows 
dressed 

With  every  hue 
That  Flora  knew, 
And  sylphs  more  fair  than   Flora's 
best 

Were  pleased  to  munch 
Our  lunch, 

Blest,  blest  was  I  beyond  all  men, 
For  I  was  young  and  charming  then. 
A  score  of  maidens  vied  for  me, 
Awoke  at  night  and  sighed  for  me, 
Occasionally  died  for  me. 
They  tracked  me  down  at  college  balls, 

For  maiden  hearts  will  follow 
A  triple  blue  whom  Oxford  calls 

Adonis-cum-Apo!lo. 
What  marvel  life  was  one  delight 
From  early  dawn  to  latest  night? 
I  was  the  beautiful  and  bright 
Divinity 
Of  Trinity. 

But  middle-age,  alas,  has  placed 
His  seal  on  me 
For  all  to  see, 

And  what  was  once  a  slender  waist 
Has  now   become 
A  turn. 

I  can  no  longer  sprint  because 
My  wind  is  not  the  thing  it  was. 
No  football  fury  presses  me, 
No  lust  to  row  obsesses  me, 
To  lace  my  boots  distresses  me. 
The   locks   that  erst   were   Oxford'* 

talk 

No  longer  grace  my  noddle; 
My  whilom  light  and  graceful  walk 

Is,  I  admit,  a  waddle. 
No  fair  and  inexpressive  She 
Now  condescends  to  smile  on  me — 
In  short,  I  feel  there  cannot  be 
A  doubt  of  it, 
I  'in  out  of  it. 

Yet  lot  me  not  give  way  to  tears, 
Nor  vainly  sigh 
For  joys  gone  by; 


No  doubt  another  forty  years 
Will  HOP  mu  reign 
Again. 

Once    more    I    shall    be    charming, 

thanks 

To   shrivelled    skin    and    well-shrunk 
shanks. 

r    white-haired    girls    will    knit 
for   me, 

Make  sleeping-sock  or  mit  for  mo, 
Or  ohest-proteoton  fit  for  i: 

•Alien  in;. 

(HIKV  liBO  and  MAY  and  M.AKION 
Will  crowd  about   my  coiiei 

This    charming    ci-nteiiarinn. 
Such  beauties  will  old  ago  unfold 
That  none  will  ^a/e  up.  .n  me  cold. 
And  crowds  will  mob  me,  as  of  old, 
Adoring  me 
And  boring  me. 


THE  CARMF.I.ITI-:   HISToKY   OF 
THE  WnlM.I). 

WHERE  did  Civilisation  begin  and 
where  is  it  poing  to  stop? 

You  don't  ki 

Ah!  but  Profess ,r  PKTKR  FLIN- 
DERS does,  and  in  Part  30  of  The 
Carmrlile  7/i.x/ori/  of  tlie  World  he 
will  tell  you  all  about  it. 

II"  will  draw  about  33  pages  of 
Perfect  Pen  Pictures  of  "  Animal 
Life  in  the  Early  Sixties." 

In  another  25  pages  ho  will  trace 
for  you  the  innumerable  factors 
which  have  gone  to  mould  the  un- 
tutored savage  into  the  modern 
chauffeur. 

He  will  take  you  into  the  bowels 
of  the  Lusitania,  by  special  permis- 
sion of  the  Cunard  Company. 

He   will   explain   in    three   or   four 
words   the   reason  of   the   failure   of 
the  Nitlli  Serundut  (Second  to  None) 
to   withstand    the   fury   of    the 
meats. 

Ho  will  tell  you  the  exact  number 
of  Parasangs  there  are  in  threa 
miles,  and  why  it  is  that  skin  forms 
on  the  surface  of  hot  chocolate,  and 
not  on  tea  or  coffee. 

Those  contributions  are  but  a  mere 
fraction    of    the    mass    of    print    con- 
tained in  Part  30,  but  they  giv. 
an  idea  of  what  you  may  i-\p.  ct. 

MURE  SriU'iusixr,  THAN  P.AUT  'JO1 
is  the  involuntary  exclamation  of 
the  reader  who  has  seen  Part  30, 
with  its  special  portraits  of  BART 
K  F.  x  N  E  D  Y,  Cic»  KO,  SAVONAROLA, 
PLATO,  ANTHONY  TKOI.I.OI-E.  Father 
.Ai-iiiiAN,  and  "  The  Follies." 

•     If    SoMuioW,    HVT      CiKT    IT  ' 

The  World  from  the  Cradle  of  Civi- 
lisation  to  the  Limerick  Craze ! 
ibolo    Supplement   in 
Preparation. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


340 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  C,  : 


THE    B.A.    AT    WORK. 

TUB  CKSSOR. 

an   ima'jimiry  trfrnr  vif 

prtjujiee,  of  tlit  folloiriny  aJttrli»rmtnt 
from  a  marn: 

To  PEBUTANTE&   U.IT  n.\.  (London 
.oure)  dwim  l'l"ril.x  1:1  I.n.-i 
abe  Ififw    in-tru'-iimi    ia    all    conrrnational 


topic*  of  current  interest,  pl»y«,  book*,  poetry. 

'•o  l.i'ly  it  educated  in  these  day* 
thoroughly  vened   in   literature,  and  able  to 
apply  it  in  conTeraation.—  Addream,  B.A.,  Ac.. 


BaTBwatrr. 


TlIK    R.A.    log. 


"  Ladies,     before     beginning     my 

A      I  •.  _  ¥       _l_ 1.1       l!l 


,  first  lecture,  I  should  like 
to  make  a  few  remarks  on 
the  reasons  for  which  we 
have  met  —  reasons  that 
were  briefly  outlined  in 
the  advertisement  which 
waa  the  happy  medium  of 
bringing  us  together. 

"  Society  having  de- 
cided that  there  is  no  time 
like  that  in  which  we  con- 
sume the  principal  meal 
of  the  day  for  the  friendly 
commingling  of  total 
strangers  and  exchange 
of  ideas,  it  follows  that 
diners-out  are  under  two 
pressing  necessities — one  of 
which  is  having  something 
to  say,  and  the  other  the 
power  of  saying  it  while 
eating.  With  the  second 
I  have  nothing  to  do,  but 
with  the  first  I  am  in- 
tensely concerned.  For, 
though  it  is  certainly  true 
that  a  lady  who  listens  can 
yet  succeed,  at  the  same 
time  it  is  more  to  the  point 
that  she  should  nave 
opinions  and  express  them 
well.  A  silent  woman  can 
easily  be  overlooked :  a 
woman  who  knows  her 
own  mind  and  looks  round 
intelligently  on  the  world 
of  art  and  literature  must 
necessarily  make  her  pre- 
sence felt,  and  in  time  be- 
come n  leader. 

"It  is  in  order  to  be  assisted  to 
such  a  position  that  you  are  here  to- 
day. It  you  will  attend  to  me  with 
diligence  and  take  full  notes,  I  guar- 
antee that  in  the  course  of  n 
few  lessons  you  will  be  qualified  to 
hold  your  own  in  any  uning-teblfl 
conversation,  and  be  in  the  way  of 
obtaining  the  reputation  of  women 
not  only  of  wisdom  but  of  wit. 

"  We  will  first  begin  with  the 
Drama,  because  you  will  perhaps 
have  noticed  Unit  at  dinner  your 
partner  reaches  the  Stage  almost  be- 
fore the  fish.  It  is  of  the  highest 
importance  that  you  Imve  answers 


ready  for  him.  Before  looking  at  the 
advertisements  of  the  theatres  in  the 
morning  papers  und  taking  them 
m-riiitiin,  it  would  lie  well  to  begin 
with  tlie  two  more  ad\anccd  su: 
that  '  up.'  as  we  say.  I 

hip  and  SHAW. 

some  little  while,  at  any  rule', 

it    will    ho    important    to   have    \i.-\vs 

on    the    Censorship,    ami    SHAW,    of 

course,  is  always  with  us,  and  of  the 

It  does  not   i 

whether  you  like  him  or  dislike  him 
the  discussion  of  his  plays  and  his 


Old  Lady  (teeing  a  frirnd  off).  "  Now,  no   BI  CAREFUL,  DEAR,  USD 
DON'T  roRorr  TO  GIVE  THE  1'imis  A  SHILLING  TO  KEEP  onr  THE  ROCKS." 


mind  will  take  you  to  the  bird, 
when,  of  course,  you  turn  to  your 
other  partner  and  can  begin  all  over 
again. 

"  But  first  the  Censorship.  11.  r. 
you  must  step  warily,  because  the 
Censor's  duties  are  concerned  with 
the  suppression  of  impropriety,  and 
impropriety  is  not  a  topic  with 
which  young  ladies,  even  to-day, 
should  be  too  familiar.  For  this 
reason  it  will  he  well  not  to  in- 
tnxliice  it  yourself,  but  wait  for 
the  gentleman  to  do  so  He  will 
pn.haldy  say  something  to  the  effect 
that  '  to  be  getting 

hot   water  all  round.     To  which 


a   non-committal   sound   of   acquies- 

will  be  your  •  !\       I..-t 

us   suppose  that    he   then    asks    \<m 

have  read  The  iircaliiitg  /Vinf. 

It  will  be  wisest  perhaps  to  say  that 

you  Imve  not  yet    had   time  to  read 

the  play  itself,  luit  you  have  r.-ad  the 

preliminary   in;it(.  r 

I   may  say  ui  i   tin-  pre- 

liminary matt  ,  of  an  attack 

«>n    tl  r    for    first    refusing    to 

•  thi-  play  and  then  for  refusing 
•i,   concluding  with 
an    invitation    to   intellectual    ]>• 

to  join   together  in  an  ap- 
peal   {such    h 

tailised)     for     his     suppres- 
sion.     Having     this     infor- 
mation   at    your    disj 
you  are  fitted  to  continue 
the    conversation;     hut    it 
is      important      that 
should  make  up  your  mind 
whether   or   not   you 
wish  the  Censor  to  be  re- 
tain. ,1. 

"  For  those  who  prefer 
his  retention  a  useful  re- 
mark is :  '  Ah  !  well,  of 
course  it  's  a  great  pity 
when  a  really  fine  work 
has  to  be  stopped,  but  I 
cannot  help  dreading  the 
alternative.  If  the  (' 
goes  the  police  remain  as 
the  only  protectors  of  the 
public ;  and  better  a  thou- 
sand Censors  than  one 
policeman.'  This  is  quite 
a  sound  argument,  and  put 
in  these  words  will  im- 
press your  listeners  a  good 
deal. 

"  There  is  no  need  t.. 
elaborate  it  any  farther. 
No  matter  what  he  says 
on  the  other  side,  just  re- 
peat your  remark — half  of 
conversation  is  the  repe- 
tition of  one's  remarks — 
with  some  slight  c<>: 
sions  of  courtesy,  such  as 
'  I  'm  very  sorry,  hut  I 
have  always  f<  It  that  police  inter- 
ference with  art  is  the  most  serious 
of  dangers.  As  I  say,  !•••• 
thousand  Censors  than  one  police- 
man.' By  the  way,  you  will  find 
the  phrase  '  I  have  always  felt  '  of 
the  greatest  assistance.  It  shows  at 
once  that  you  have  given  attention 
to  a  subject  for  a  long  time  and  are 
.  iii-re  improvisor,  and  this  will 
gain  you  the  respect  and  deference 
of  your  partner  and  increase  all  your 
ehaii' 

•n  the  other  hand,  you  may  pre- 
tnkc  up  the  rrore  revolutionary 
and     daring     line     that     the     (' 
should  go,  and  I  respect  you  fordoing 


NOVEMBER  6,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


311 


r.   "  MAC,  I  'M   VERY   8OBRT  TO   FIKD   TOO    IV  TBI8  8TATI  !  " 

Mae.  "ABE  TB  VEBBA  BOBBT?" 

Uin'mter.  "  YES,  MAO,  I  'M  BEAI.LT  VEBY  YBsr  SOBBT  ! " 

Mac.   "  All,   WEEL,   IF   YE  'BE   BEALLY   VEBBA   I'CCfiA   SOBBY,   I  'tL   FOB01E    YE !  " 


so,  for  the  courageous  thinker  olways 
has  his  admirers.  What  in  this  case 
ought  you  to  say  that  will  not  sub- 
ject you  to  the  suspicion  of  being  too 
much  interested  in  morbid  topics? 
After  considerable  thought  I  have 
prepared  the  following  formula : 
'  Well,  of  course,  I  am  not  con- 
cerned for  the  performance  of  un- 
suitable plays  anywhere,  but  I  can- 
not help  feeling  that  playgoers  ought 
to  be  the  best  judges  of  what  is  right 
and  what  is  not,  and  I  have  perfect 
faith  in  the  good  sense  of  the  public.' 
This  shows  you  to  have  a  thought- 
ful and  an  open  mind,  and  suggests 
generally  a  superiority  of  intellect. 
As  in  the  other  case,  you  need  not 
xtend  your  remarks  in  reply  to  criti- 
cism, but  just  repeat  them. 

"  In  both  cases,  whether  for  or 
agninst,  a  little  playfulness  may  be 
ntroduced  as  a  side  issue :  a  light 
aughing  expression  of  pity  for  the 
Door  man  who  has  to  read  all  the 
plays  that  are  accepted  by  man- 
agers :  '  No  wonder  he  loses  his  tem- 
per sometimes,'  and  so  on.  This 
whim  can  be  extended  as  much  as 
you  like,  and  indeed  to  do  so  may 
>e  of  great  service  if  your  partner  is 


too  assiduous  in   attempting  to  pin 
you  down  to  argument. 

"  For  the  present,  dear  pupils,  ] 
think  this  will  do.  All  that  you  have 
to  decide  upon  is  which  side  you  will 
support — the  Censor  or  his  opponent 
— and  act  accordingly.  But  you 
must  bear  in  mind  that  to  support 
him  is  safer.  To  oppose  him  is  to 
run  the  risk  of  being  thought  ad- 
vanced and  having  to  live  up  to  the 
character.  But  that  I  leave  to  you. 
And  so  good-bye  till  our  next 
meeting." 


WAKE  UP,   ENGLAND! 

(AND  SCOTLAND  !) 
["  I   have  wen  a  good  deal   in  the  papers 
about    Limericks,  but  I  don't  know  what  on 
earth  it  all  means." — The  Prime  Minister.] 

WE  shall  expect  shortly  to  hear: 
That  Mr.  ASQUITH,  addressing  his 
constituents  at  Ben-y-Brawbonnie- 
bairnie,  stated  that  his  attention  had 
been  drawn  to  a  body  of  worn — of 
females  known  as,  he  thought — er — 
(A  Voice,  "  Suffragettes  ")  —  yes, 
Suffragettes  or  something  of  that 
sort — he  was  obliged  to  his  friend  in 
the  gallery — although  he  had  not  the 


slightest  knowledge  of  their  objects, 
if  any. 

That  thu  Lord  Chief  Justice  en- 
quired "What  is  Diabolo?"  adding 
that  he  had  failed  to  find  any  refer- 
ence to  the  word  in  the  latest  infor- 
mation supplied  by  the  Encyclo- 
pedia Britannica,  though  he  had 
carefully  studied  the  reign  of  Qin  \ 
ANNE,  a  sovereign  who  (he  learned 
from  the  clerk)  was  dead.  (Sensa- 
tion.) 

That  motor-omnibus  proprietors 
have  formulated  a  demand  for  "  re- 
cognition "  by  the  railway  com- 
panies, who  have  asked  for  some 
definite  proof  of  their  existence. 

That  attempts  are  to  U>  made  by 
the  large  liners  on  the  Transatlantic 
record.  The  times  accomplished  by 
the  late  Messrs.  CABOT  and  CHRIS- 
TOPHER COLUMBUS  have  of  course 
since  been  greatly  reduced. 


"  When  a  man  was  arrested  for  being  drank 
and  disorderly  he  shouted,  'Scou,  wh»  »'  >?' 
and  appealed  for  help." — Yorkshire  Telegraph. 

A  MAN  who  could  say  that  when 
he  might  have  got  off  with  "  British 
Constitution"  —  well,  the  charge 
was  obviously  ridiculous. 


542 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIMVAI1I. 


;N""U.UBEB  G,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  3/r.  Punch's  Staff  of  learned  Clerk*.) 

WHILE  Mr.  MAKI..N  CK\W»L>RD  was  busy  with  his 
ings  I'  •  ';  IN  llixtury,  published  a  couple  of 
ago,  and  lingered  over  ancient  archht-s,  he  came  upon  tin- 
romantic  story  of  CAKI,"  7.\  •  .  i  hero  of  Venice  whan  tin- 
Republic  was  winning  its  way  to  dominion  of  the  Bca. 
The  daring  soldier  and  patriot  is  the  hero  of  his  new 
novel  Artthusa  (MACMii.i.\M.  He  purchases,  loves, 
and  finally  marries  a  Greek  slave  of  peerless  beauty.  To 
toll  the  truth,  he  casually  became  possessed  of  the 
treasure  in  performance  of  a  commission  from  a  friend 
in  Venire.  The  friend,  one  Pesaro,  "  &  fat  little 
man  of  forty  who  had  married  a  rich  widow  t- n  yean 
older  than  himself,"  makes  only  one  appearance  on 
the  scene.  It  is  precious,  since  it  takes  the  form  of  a 
letter  of  delicious  humour,  in  which  the  fond  husband 
makes  out  that  he  desires  a  beautiful  slave  solely  mi 
account  of  his  wife,  in  whose  behalf  he  urgently  stipu- 
lates that  the  girl  shall  have  fine  natural  hair,  either 
quite  black  or  very  fair,  teeth  like  pearls,  an  ankle  you 
can  span  with  your  thumb  and  middle  finger;  "  and  my 
wife  will  care  less  about  a  very  small  waist,  though  if  it 
be  naturally  slender  it  is  certainly  a  point  of  beauty." 
Carlo  /.i  ni>.  in  good  faith,  ordered  the  merchandise  with 
intent  to  have  it  shipped  to  Venice.  But  when  he 
beheld  the  beauty  of  Zoe  the  fat  little  man  of  forty 
and  his  fastidious  wife  faded  out  of  the  story.  /••.  . 
though  sold  as  a  slave,  is  really  the  daughter  of  a  high- 
born Venetian.  After  a  pretty,  passionate  wooing,  she 
helps  Carlo  through  some  turbulent  scenes,  in  the  course 
of  which  Mr.  CKAWFORD,  with  vivid  touches,  paints  the 
Constantinople  of  the  middle  of  the  fourteenth  century, 
with  its  glorious  colours,  its  dark  abysses,  its  treasons, 
its  betrayals,  and  its  tortures.  It  is  a  stirring  story, 
brightly  told. 

"  Do  cats  eat  bats?  "  is  an  historic  problem,  and  a  no 
less  engrossing  one  to  us  is,  "  Do  eyes  snap?  "  Plighted 
troths  and  the  heartstrings  of  lovers  have  always  been 
liable  to  compound  fracture,  but  optics  (on  this  side  of 
the  Atlantic)  are  generally  safe.  I  want  to  know, 
because,  in  The  Sheep  and  the  Goats  (McruuEN),  Miss 
MANN'S  hero  twice  at  least  sustains  ocular  comminution 
whilst  talking  to  the  object  of  his  affections.  Th< 
deals  with  the  social  squabbles  of  a  public  school  town, 
where  the  cure  of  souls  is  in  charge  of  the  son  of  a  local 
draper,  and  the  magisterial  staff  includes  an  unprincipled 
Adonis  with  great  talents  and  unconventional  neck-ties, 
who  wears  white  flannels  in  season  and  out  because  he 
looks  best  in  them.  There  are  some  excellent  portraits 
in  this  book,  notably  those  of  Mrs.  Algum,  the  arhitress 
of  propriety,  and  Daisy  Mccrs,  a  fascinating  nonentity, 
who  bewitches  her  mamma's  lodgers  and 
sixth-form  boys  walking  past  her  window.  Right 
triumphs  in  the  end,  the  scholastic  Don  Juan  is  hissed  at 
the  annual  concert,  and  tho  Rector  of  St.  Luke's  (thaw- 
ing, no  doubt,  the  "  cold  snap  "  in  her  l>osom)  marries 
the  lady  whom  he  has  brought  to  a  proper  sense  of  the 
seriousness  of  life. 


I  suspect  that  when  Mr.  ROBERT  BAKK  l»-/an  The 
Measure  of  the  Rule  (CONSTABLE)  he  intended  to  give  us 
the  great  work— the  David  Copi»  rfn  LI  to  which  most 
novelists  come  sooner  or  later.  But  at  page  200  he 
found  that  his  hero  was  still  at  college,  and  that  his 
publisher  was  already  on  the  doorstep.  Something  had 
to  be  done.  Mr.  BAKK  was  the  man  to  do  it.  I 


pages  three  \ear.s  passed  rapidly,  and  the  her 

If    painter       il'..r    \ears    i..-    must    have    nir 
secret  talent  )     Tin  n  he  marri.  d  the  cii  1     ami  Mr    I'.MIK 
began  to  think  of  his  i 

show  us  tl  it   his  oxtraordina  .can  train- 

ing   college          \a       V      rioan     training    college    sounds 
dull,    but   Mr.    BAKU    in    soi  il    all    very 

ting       II  .    find    n 

of  character,  hut Well,   \<m  must  read  it  for  your- 

M-lf.     That   glorious  Chapter  Ten,   which   d> 

tirst    attempt    at    teaching,    I    particularly    i 
mend  to  all  sehoolma- 


Several  London  journalists  will  r  -elves 

under  other  names  among  the  lesser  characters  in  \,,f 
George  \\'a*hin<jt:>ii  L),  though  il  is  not  In  them, 

but  to   the   her.  .nirx    Orltbar   Cl">j*lir,    that    the 

title    particularly    refers.       The    two   antlers,     II  > 

•  UHOK   and'    1'     <i     \Vop|  ii'T-r.    ha\e   made    him    a 
not  very   nice   \.ninu:  man,   hut   he   is  quite  entertaining 
to  read  aliout.      He  is  so  determined  to  pi.sh  on,  s 
on   living  his  own   life,   so   nnscrupi. 

he  brushes  aside  obstacles,  includm"  his  fin  in- 1',-.  with  the 
callousness  of  .teller  and  so  successful  that 

one  is  almost  convinced  that  he  is  quite  ri^-ht   not  to  he 

(iKoKiii:    \V  \slIINC.ToN.    in    Spite  (if    til'  •    Ililn- 

self  into.  And  when  the  lady  fishes  him  out  of  it,  and 
he  marries  her,  one  is  quite  sure. 

In  The  Book  of  tlic  Child  (PITMAN  AND   ' 
I-'KKDKKU-K   l>..rui.\s   How  has  made  an  attempt 
down  what  is  in  the  mind  of  children.     The  result  is  a 
very  charming  little  book,  irradiated  with  many  Hashes 
of  insight  and  many  gleams  of  a  peculiar  tender  humour. 
There  is  no  formalism  here.     Mr.  How   rccoinm, 
special  system — except,  indeed,  the  old,  old  systciii  of 
sympathy  and  kindness  through  which   from  the  begin- 
nihg  of  the  world  little  children  have  had  the  be-,1  chance 
of    growing    into    chivalrous    men    and    nohly    planned 
women.     Mr.   How  has  a  light  and   pretty  touch,  and 
has  evidently  been  a  loving  and  faithful  observer  of  the 
little  ones  about  whom  he  here   tells  many   delightful 
and   some   touching  stories.     The   tale  of   blind   .l<n-,<b 
Joyce,  slight  though  it  is,  is  in  its  way  a  little  i 
piece.       Not  everybody  may   agree   with   all   that   Mr. 
How  says  on  the  subject  of  religion   for  children,   but 
everybody  must  appreciate  the  general  charm  of   this 
very  pleasant  booklet. 

Obviously  a  woman  ought  to  know  all  about  skirts 
and  such-like  trappings,   and   perhaps  that    is  wl 
,S/;irf*   (./   the   C.rmt    Citij    (Mi:iinrs),    by    Mrs.    AimirR 
(I.  BELL,  is  so  much  more  attractive  than  the  ordinary 
guide-book  which  is  the  product  of  the  masculine  brain. 

In    fact,    although    the    book    is    a     r.Ji/.    KM  i-iuii      without 

which  no  one  ought  to  think  of  cxplorii  •dying 

towns  and   villages  which   aie   day   by  day   1 

up  by  the  great  mother  city,   it  much 

a  guide-book  as  a  series  of  pictures     of   Il:m.|  :• 

llampstead,  and  Hifjhgate  and  Honi'-e\,  and  ll.ndoli 
.•  i  Harrow  fl  .  took  to  dropping  their  "  h's  "), 

U  -1  \Vimbl.  don  and  Putney,  and  (Ireenwieh  and   I 
painted  by  one  who  has  taken  enormous  |.ar 
their    individual    characteristics     and     life  histories,     and 
has  in  so  doine  •  love  them,  and  •  .11  her 

love  toother-.  And,  throughout,  the  mass  of  curious 
information  which  Mrs.  I'.n.l.'s  book  contains  is  made 
into  a  living  story  of  the  relentless  life  force  with  which 
the  e,rcat  city  is  continually  ahsorhh..  i  own  grey 

urba  once  green  rustic  sp< 


NOVEMBER  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


313 


A  BOND  STREET  MYSTERY. 

"  ON  Tuesday  afternoon  Mrs.  PEL- 
HAM-POOP  was  seen  shopping  in  Dond 
Street." 

This  is  not,  as  may  at  first  sight  be 
assumed,  the  opening  sentence  of  a 
detective  story.  No  tale  of  sudden 
and  mysterious  disappearance  fol- 
lows. It  is  the 
beginning,  mid- 
dle, and  end  of 
the  whole  story. 
"Mrs.  PELIIAM- 
POOP  was  seen 
shopping  in  Bond 
Street.  Finis." 

Murders  are 
done  o  "nights 
— t  h  e  Yankee 
Railway  Market 
is  restless,  and 
—Mrs.  PELIIAM- 
POOP  goes  a- 
shopping.  The 
Largest  Circula- 
tion on  Earth 
gives  publicity 
to  each  of  these 
matters.  There 
must,  therefore, 
be  some  special 
significance,  not 
immediately  ap- 
parent, in  the 
meagre  report  of 
Mrs.  PELIIAM- 
POOP'S  afternoon 
activity. 

Does  it  mean 
that  Mrs.  PEL- 
HAM  -  POOP'S 
credit  is  notori- 
ously exhausted 
(not  that  I  have 
ever  heard  of  her 
before),  and  yet, 
in  despite  of 
this,  she  was 
seen  shopping 
in  an  expensive 
quarter  of  Lon- 
don? But  then 
it  should  have 
been  printed 
thus:  —  "  Mrs. 
PELHAM-POOP  was 
seen  shopping 
in  Bond  Street  1  "  Or,  again,  if  her 
failing  is  kleptomania,  it  might  read 
thus: — "Mrs.  PELHAM-POOP  was 
seen  shopping  (?)  in  Bond  Street." 

As  it  stands,  the  sentence  is  un- 
satisfying. It  is  uncharacteristically 
reticent.  There  is  some  mystery 
about  it. 

Does  it  mean  that  Mrs.  PELHAM- 
POOP  is  known,  as  a  matter  of  plain 
fact,  to  be  away  canoeing  on  Lake 
Titicaca,  and  yet  was  seen  shopping 


in    Bond    Street— a    case    for    the 
S.P.R.? 

Or— stay !— is  the  sentence,  so 
baffling  in  its  lack  of  human  interest, 
the  first  line  of  a  Limerick  that  has 
got  astray  from  one  of  the  advertise- 
ment columns?  Certainly  it  has  the 
graceful  scansion,  the  easy,  insouciant 
handling  of  metre  that  distinguish 


Salrat'wn  Army  Lass.  "  GIVE  IT  BACK  TO  THE  LITTLE  CRAP,  YOU  OBEAT  BULLY  ! " 

Urchin.  "I  WON'T.    'E's  'AD  "ARF."  S.  A.  L.  "THAT  DOESS'T  HATTER.    Giv«  IT  BACI." 

Urchin.  "WELL,  I'LL  GIVE  'in  ANUDEB  QUARTER." 

S.  A.  L.  "No.    IF  IT'S  ins,  GIVE  HIM  THE  LOT.    (To  smaller  boy.)    WHAT  is  IT  HE 's  oor,  sownr  ? ' 

Small  Boy.  '  Boo !    Boo !    MY  CIGARKTTE  !  " 


YOUR  DAILY  HEALTH. 

Bif   M.    A.    RlDDLEUEKfcE    (OXON). 

The  Linifrick  Stoop. — A  very  pre- 
valent curvature  of  the  dorsal   ver- 
B,   contracted   from    undue   work 
of   a  sedentary   nature,      it   is   best 
cured  by  sleeping  under  tin. 

The  Diabolo  Crick.— Use  a  6-lb. 
iron  spindle. 
T  h  o  effort  of 
causing  this  to 
rotate  will 
counteract  the 
upward  gape  in- 
duced by  await- 
ing its  return 
from  the  clouds. 
It  should  on  no 
account  be  ap- 
plied to  c  h  i  1- 
•blains. 

Stiffening  of  the 
Hair.—  This  com- 
plaint is  the  re- 
sult either  of  a 
sudden  shock  or 
a  general  lower- 
ing of  the  vitality, 
and  the  need  of 
a  good  tonic  is 
indicated.  Iron 
ia  the  best, 
preferably  a  kit- 
chen one,  which 
should  be  well 
heated  and 
passed  several 
times  slowly  over 
the  affected 
locality. 


Falling  I'ndcr- 
neath  a  Motor- 
bus. — The  golden 
rule  hero  ia  not 
to  lose  your  head. 
To  avoid  this 
consider  whether 
your  neck  lies  in 
the  probable 
route  of  any  of 
the  wheels,  and 
if  so,  shift  it 
slightly  to  one 
side. 


this  class  of  literature: — "Mrs. 
PELHAM-Po6p  was  seen  sh6pping  in 
B&nd  Street.'.' 

But  then  there  are  no  rhyming 
words. 

It  must,  therefore,  be  accepted  as 
news;  and,  depend  upon  it,  there  is 
a  sensational  story  behind  it,  else 
why  should  it  be  offered  in  cold  type 
to  the  million  or  two  readers  of  the 
paper  that  publishes  it? 

We  await  developments. 


The  Seamy  Side  of  the  Bar. 

"  The  policeman  found  him  in  the 
company  of  some  very  undesirable 
people  in  Heckfield  Place,  a  law 
quarter  in  Fulham. — Daily  Mail. 


Court  Intelligence. 

"  Queen  Victoria  Eugenie  carried 
mi  umbrella  to  keep  off  the  rain." — 
Eastern  Daily  Press. 


344 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ilBKH    13.    1907. 


THE    PRIVATE    REFLECTIONS    OF    A 
PAGEANT    KING. 

(.•1*  they  occurred  to  him  in  the  City  last  Saturday.) 
Nil      Authenticity  not  guaranteed. 

Ox  the  move  at  lost.  Thought  they  'd  never  got  us 
off.  My  white  mare  quieter  on  the  whole  tlian  I 
expected.  Nothing  like  »o  jumpy  as  /  am.  Wonder  if 
I  look  '.'  natural  "  and  "  imstilted."  If  so,  more  tlnui 
I  can  say  for  my  right-hand  man.  Now  1  do  call  him 
stilted. 

Man  on  my  right  says,  "  Hadn't  I  better  talk  to  him, 
considering  he  's  my  brother'.'  "  T.  11  him  he  must 
have  mistaken  me  for  some  other  fellow — haven't  got 
a  brother.  He  says  what  hr  means  is  that,  as  I  'm 
EDWARD  Tin:  SKCOXD  and  he  's  the  EARL  OK  KKXT,  we  're 
supposed  to  be  brothers.  He  knows,  because  he  's  taken 
the  trouble  to  look  it  up  in  History. 

All  right — /  've  no  objection — only,  brother  or  no 
brother,  he  's  no  business  to  barge  into  me  every  otluT 
yard  or  so.  He  apologises.  His  gee  is  a  bit  out  of 
hand  just  at  starting.  Seems  to  me  it  's  under  the 
impression  it 's  been  engaged  to  play  a  crab.  And 
Kent's  knee-cap  has  a  jolly  sharp  edge  to  it!  .... 

Kent  reminds  me  I  ought  to  be  doing  something. 
The  Boss's  instructions  to  us  in  Riding  School  were  "  t<> 
notice  crowd."  Tell  Kent  I  have.  They  're  much  as 
usual ;  some  of  'em  would  be  none  the  worse  for  a 
wash,  but  nothing  else  to  notice  about  'cm  that  /  can 
see.  He  says,  "  Can't  I  try  to  believe  myself  the 
character  I  'm  supposed  to  be?  " 

Fact  is,  I  'm  a  bit  foggy  about  old  EDWARD  TIIK 
SECOND.  Wish  now  1  'd  found  time  to  mug  him  up.  Ask 
Kent  what  became  of  me.  According  to  him,  I  was  mur- 
dered in  Berkeley  Castle.  Ask  if  any  of  these  Baron-chaps 
in  the  procession  had  a  hand  in  killing  me?  He  says 
MORTIMER  had  for  one — and  probably  others.  Then 
oughtn't  I  to  try  to  look  gloomy  and  suspicious,  or  some- 
thing? Kent  says  no — I  'm  not  supposed  to  know  yet. 
"  Have  I  forgotten  my  orders  already?  "  My  line  is  to 
be  cheery  and  genial — kiss  my  hand  to  any  pretty  girl  in 
crowd  I  happen  to  see — and  so  on.  All  very  well — and 
I  did  it  right  enough  at  rehearsal  in  the  Riding  School. 
Still,  in  the  open-air — before  everybody,  in  cold  blood, 
so  to  speak — well,  it 's  different,  somehow.  Don't  feel 
up  to  it  just  yet.  .  .  . 

Kent  keeps  on  telling  me  to  buck  up.  The  very 
next  pretty  girl  I  see,  I  really  will  ....  Now  that 
just  inou-t  you!  They  couldn't  be  fools  enough  to  sup- 
pose I  should  blow  a  kiss  to  a  bobby'.  London  crowd's 
idea  of  humour  simply  rotten !  .  .  .  . 

Must  try  some  other  way  of  bucking  up.  Give  order 
to  draw  swords  and  shout,  taking  time  from  me. 
"Hooray — hooray — hooray!"  ....  Kent  nudges  me, 
horrified.  Reminds  me  of  what  the  Guv'nor  said  in 
Riding  School.  People  didn't  hooray  in  our  time. 
What  I  ought  to  have  said  was,  "  Hai  I  hai !  hai  I  " 

I  know — I  know.  But  it  does  seem  such  a  silly 
remark — unless  you  "re  on  a  fire-engine.  And  they  >.• 
ready  enough  to  chip  us  as  it  is,  without  our  asking 
(or  it  I  .... 

There  is  a  pretty  girl — a  ripper — I  think  1  'II  risk  it. 
...  It  reached  her  all  right — and  she  ought  to  have 
curtsied,  instead  of  passing  a  remark  which  proved  at 
all  events  that,  whatever  she  might  be,  she  was  no  lady. 
Fact  is,  the  crowd  want  rehearsing  more  than  ire  do, 
if  this  sort  of  thing  is  ever  to  be  anything  like  a  "  go." 
And  they  ought  to  be  in  fancy  dress,  too.  Then  they 
wouldn't  have  the  unfair  advantage  they  do  over  us. 


•  iken   for  on.  ling  us  to  notice  the 

Nut  p»  >ii  enough  !    .    .    .    . 

hint  i  who  has  ;it  la*t  p>t  In*  n. omit  to  go  straight^ 
nt  me  again  !  Says  PAKKI  II  S  orders  Were  Hint  \\e  should 
"tell  one  another  Htor  laugh  together  all  thi» 

time  "      which    we  'i  I  "n,   tlu> 

King,    I   oiiL-1  •  Hanged    if    I    do' 

1  've    something   else    to   think  of   just    no\\    than    being 
amusing.  .   it  's  their  business  to  an 

if  they  cun. 

Hint  sa\s  he  's  prepared  himself  nil  hours 

in    British    Museum    consulting   fourteenth-century    jest 
books  on   purpose   to  be   correct.     Conscientious   chap, 

Kent.       1  iotes  may  he  of  tho  period,  but  the. 

not  funny.      K\eii  he  admits  that  they  h:r.  "hit 

in  print.      Hasn't  he  anything  a  hit  more  modern'.1     He 
says    he    knows    rather    a    good    story    about    a    'bus- 
conductor   who    hadn't   any    sense   of    humour     hut 
can't  tell   it  in  chain-mail,    because  it   would   he   so  out 
of  keeping.     It  doesn't  matter,   1..  I  -1  it. 

Ciettin;;  fed  up  with  Kent.     After  all,  not  much  point  in 
being   u   King,   even   in    a   pageant,    if  you   can't    choose 
your  own  company.     Tell  him  to  fall  behind  and  - 
up  GAVF.STOX.  .  .  . 

QAVMTOM  \.-ry  sorry,  but  says  that,  with  the  Heads- 
man riding  close  behind  him,  he  feels  it  would  lie  hardly 
the  thing — not  quite  in  the  character,  if  I  see  his  n 
ing — for  him  to  be  telling  me  funny  .-- 
he  doesn't   know  any.     I  suppose   it   would  be  no  use 
calling  on  the  Headsman. 

Order  up  u  file  of  odd  Barons.   .  .  . 

The  new  pair  are  either  LANCASTKR  nn.l  Pi  MUKOKF. 
or  else  WARWICK  and  DKSI-KXSKR  they  aren't  over  clear 
about  that  themselves,  and  it  wouldn't  signify  so  long 
as  their  stories  were  good.  But,  n<  I  can't  help  telling 
them  plainly,  1  'vc  come  across  n  fnr  whiskered  el 
nuts  in  my  time,  but  compared  to  /;  •  —1  ]\'nririrk 

says  they  're  only  obeying  their  instructions,  which  were 
"  to  remember  all  the  e/</  jokes  and  stories  they  could." 
They  're  doing  their  best      and  the   least   1   can  do  is  to 
laugh.     Explain  that  I  'd  do  anything  to  oblige  them 
but  as  I've  n.  M   on   the   stage   I   cnn't    laugh    - 

especially  when  I  'in  riding  in  a  procession — unl- 
something  to  laugh  at.     /VN/ICHXIV  (if  it  is   llrsprnscr) 
says  in  that  case  1  've  only  to  look  in  the  shop  wind 
Don't  notice  this,  because  I  can  see  it  is  merely  temper 
on  his  part — he  can't  get  n: <-r   my   calling   his   stories 
chestnuts.      Probably    thought    they    were    the    I. 
things  out. 

I  near  a  laugh  from  the  rear-ranks,  so  somebmly  must 
be  being  funny.  Pass  the  word  for  him  to  come  up 
on  my  right,  whoever  he  is.  He  's  a  Baron,  of  sorts,  hut 
doesn't  know  what  of.  Ask  him  what  \\as  the  joke. 
He  says,  rather  sheepishly,  "  Oh,  nothing  particular — 
only  a  story  ho  'd  heard  tho  other  day  in  a  saloon-bar." 
Well,  let  's  have  it.  He  says,  "  .s'.imr  people  might 
think  it  a  bit  near  the  knuckle  "  ....  A  lit  n- 
And  such  a  devilish  dull  knuckle  when  you 
to  it!  Karon,  of  sorts,  says  he  's  one  or  two  others 
\ery  n.arly  as  smart.  NO,  I  won't  trouble  him.  As  I 
put  it  to  him,  it  's  not  that  /  mind  hut  this  white 
more  I  'm  on  is  very  nearly  thoroughly-, 1  And  if  tint 
crowd  saw  me  roaring  with  laughter  and  her  turning 
deep  pink  all  over — well,  it  would  rather  give  the  show 
away!  Rather  a  neat  rebuke,  that;  quiet,  but  kingly— 
and  it's  shut  him  up.  Ho  's  dropped  back  to  the  rear 
without  another  word.  .  . 

They  've  all  left  me  to  ride  ahead  by  myself  now.  I 
don't  care.  I  can  always  blow  hisses.  And  I  'm  get- 
ting to  blow  them  better  now.  Not  to  the  crowd, 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LOSDOM  CHARIVARI.-\,>vE\ini*  1.1,  1907. 


MERRIE  ENGLAND  ONCE  MORE! 

[Tn  consequence  of  the  great  success  of  the  EspeYance  Girls'  Club  in  promoting  the  revival  of  English  Folksongs  and  Morris  DmncM  in 
country  villages,  a  Conference  is  to  be  held,  on  November  14,  at  the  Qoupil  Qallery  for  the  purpose  of  furthering  thu  admirable  tcham«. 

(See  article  on  page  347.)] 


NOVEMBEB  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


347 


TAKING   THEIR    PLEASURE    SERIOUSLY. 

IT  IS  NOT  QENERALLY    KNOWN  THAT    AH    IMPORTANT  FACTOR    »  THE    SETTLEMENT  OF  THE   RAILWAY  DISPUTE   WAS  THIS   INGENIOUS   INVENTION 
BY  A   GENTLEMAN   OF  SoRBITON.      HE   SUGGESTED  THAT  THE  PUBLIC  SHOULD  TAKE  OVER  THE   RAILWAYS  AND  WORK  THEM   ITSELF. 


though — only  to  people  in  balconies.  And  even  they, 
I  *m  afraid,  only  think  it  beastly  cheek  of  me.  Either 
they  glare  or  else  look  another  way.  They  can't  enter 
into  the  spirit  of  the  thing.  They  haven't  been  edu- 
cated up  to  it  yet.  Why,  that  girl  up  there  actually 
blew  a  kiss  back  to  me — nice  manners,  to  her  Sovereign ! 
And  such  a  downright  plain  girl,  tool  Shan't  blow 
any  more  kisses — arm  getting  tired  .... 

A  block.  Crowd  beginning  to  get  on  mare's  nerves. 
Steady,  old  girl !  They  "d  like  to  see  me  take  a  toss — 
but  we  're  not  going  to  oblige  "em  ....  On  we  go 
again.  I  'd  give  something  for  a  Scotch-and-soda !  .  .  . 
Law  Courts  in  sight  at  last  I  Hooray-hooray  I — I  mean 
1 '  Hai !  hail  hait_^ F.  A . 

"  COME,  LASSES  AND  LADS1  " 
AMONG  many  movements  that  have  for  their  excellent 
object  a  return  to  the  land  and  the  cultivation  of  old 
simplicities,  none  wears  a  more  inviting  mien  than  that 
which  originated  with  the  Esperance  Club  for  Working 
Girls  some  two  or  three  years  ago,  and  has  by  this  time 
attained  to  such  a  stature  that  a  public  Conference  is  to 
be  held  at  the  Goupil  Gallery  on  November  14  to 
consider  the  steps  by  which  it  might  be,  if  not  exactly 
nationalised,  at  any  rate  organised  to  the  full.  We  refer 
to  the  revival  of  Folksongs,  Games,  and  Morris  Dances, 
which,  under  the  direction  of  Miss  NEAL  and  Mr.  H.  C. 
MACILWAISE,  of  the  Esperance  Club,  and  Mr.  CECIL 
SHARP,  the  musician,  has  led  to  several  charming  per- 
formances at  the  Queen's  Hall,  where  such  enthusiasm 
was  enkindled  that,  through  the  generosity  of  certain  of 
the  audience,  in  many  villages  of  England  at  this 
moment  teachers  are  at  work  instructing  the  children  in 
the  steps  of  those  delightful  measures  to  which  our 


ancestors  danced  when  England  was  merrie,  and  train- 
ing their  young  voices  to  sing  the  old  unsophisticated 
country  songs,  in  which  every  note  is  as  pure  and  clear 
aa  a  drop  of  dew.  In  this  way  the  Esperance  Club, 
through  the  public  spirit  of  a  few  individuals  who  love 
the  past,  has  become  a  missionary  centre  to  spread  hap- 
piness and  fun  and  melody  east  and  west  and  north  and 
south.  But  the  Club  is  small  and  its  exertions  are 
limited,  and  hence  this  Conference  for  the  search  of  a 
practical  way  to  increase  the  number  of  teachers,  and 
so  give  the  songs  and  dances  a  wider  and  wider  and 
uider  recognition,  until  all  England  is  dancing  and  sing- 
ing once  more,  and  once  more  is  merrie.  Mr.  Punch 
wishes  the  Conference  success  with  all  his  heart. 


The  down-trodden  Bex. 


"  Evidence  was  given  that  the  woman,  which  was 
attached  to  a  mail  cart  at  the  village  in  question,  was 
in  a  weak  and  exhausted  condition  and  was  lame  on 
the  near  fore  leg,  also  the  near  hind  leg." — Nottingham 
Evening  Newt.  

The  Man  in  the  Street. 

"  Baroness  Orczy  has  a  new  romance  in  hand,  which 
will  be  published  early  next  year.  It  is  to  bear  the  title 
of  '  Beau  Brocade,'  which  is  the  name  of  a  '  gentleman 

the  road.'  " — Yorkshire  Evening  Post. 


in 


"  I  have  been  a  lamplighter  for  28  years,  and  I  Lave  never  used  any 
other  matches  than  yonra,  as  I  have  always  found  them  to  burn  better 
and  longer  than  any  other  matches." — Advt. 

We  should  have  preferred  a  testimonial  from  a  man 
who  had  used  some  other. 


318 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEIHIEB  13,  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

Tin:  value  <•:'  it  ions  passed 

at  the  rc>  may 

be    gaugi-.l    by    tin-    fuet    that    Mr. 

ti  tliis  country  was 

.  forma!  dcolaratMin  of 

v.   .: 

•    * 

We     understand     that     our 

:m>uijht,     which     WHS     only     to 

be    lui.I    down    if    the    II; 

•o  proved  a  failure,  will,  I' 
aipliinent,    be   named    11. M.S. 

Peace . 

V 

The  PRINCE  OF  ASTURIAS  is  said  !>• 
have  been  much  gratified  at  the  in- 
•  shown  in  him,  during  his  stay 
tit  Kensington  Palace,  by  ladies  and 
gentlemen  of  his  own  age.  When- 
ever he  appeared  in  public  he  was 
received  with  loud  squalls. 

V 

The  second  trial  of  .Mr.  THAW  will, 
it  is  stated,  abound  ir.  sensational 
features.  This  is,  of  course,  abso- 
lutely necessary  if  the  trial  is  to  be 
a  popular  success — as  to  which  there, 
is  some  doubt,  rival  functions  of  a 
like  nature  being  very  prevalent  just 


now. 


V 


It  is  good  news  that  the  giant 
Cunarders  Lttsitania  and  Mavretania 
are  henceforth  to  carry  the  bulk  of 
the  American  mails.  It  will  now  be 
possible  to  send  longer  letters. 


*  * 
* 


The  fact  that  two  ships  were  ar- 
rested last  week  at  the  instance  of  a 
firm  of  shipbuilders  on  account  of 
money  owing  to  the  latter  has  sur- 
prised many  persons,  who  did  not 
think  that  such  a  proceeding  was  pos- 
sible. As  a  matter  of  fact  it  is  not 
at  all  an  uncommon  thing  for  a  ship 
to  find  herself  in  the  dock. 


V 


v  that  the  two  halves  of  the 
Suecic  hove  been  successfully  joined 
together  it  is  suggested  that,  when 
she  is  relaunched,  a  wedding  cere- 
mony shall  take  the  place  of  the 
usual  christening. 

*  * 

Apparently  our  recent  suggestion 
that  theatric-ill  entertainments  might 
be  provided  in  railway  trains  n 
as  on  Atlantic  liners  is  about  to  he 
adopted   by  one  of  our  most  - 
prising    companies,    for    The    ]><iilij 
Mail  announces  "  Penny  Stages  on 
the  Twopenny  Tube.". 


*  * 
* 


Members  of  Co-operative  So< 
are       indignant      at       Mr.       I'mui- 

HKN'S  statement  that  "  Social- 
ism and  Co-operation  are  twin- 
brothers.".  "It  may  be  true  of 


-.!ism,"    writes   the  an 

:  . .  "  but  it  ivr- 

tainl\  -atioii." 

There  \\  ill  :  f  the 

blood    lit     the     wedding    »f     l'K" 

PlllNCK 
CUM.:  '  and   it   i- 

1  probable  that,  if  a  resolution 
sni   were   propos 

this  .  .  it  would  be  carried. 

*  * 

Messrs.   M.\om.i.\x  are  publishing 

•  a  book  on  modern  1 
by  the  late  British  Agent.  Sugr 
title:—  ;>t  :  a  Cromergraph." 

Is  the  manly  type  of  burglar  dying 
out  in  this  effeminate  age?  We  trust 
not,  but  w  •  ];••:••  that  some  housc- 
breakers  whu  :  a  well-', 

confectio'  iilishment    in    the 

Stnuul  the  other  night  spent  some 
of  their  time  in  consuming  a  quan- 
tity of  chocolate,  cream  buns,  and 

assorted  cakes. 

*  * 

A  labourer  in  an  advanced  state 
of  intoxication  was  discovered  last 
week  on  the  steps  of  the  Acton  Police 
Station.  This  remarkable  example 
of  instinct  is  only  equalled  by  the 
incident  of  the  dog  suffering  from  a 
broken  leg  who  dragged  himself  to  a 

hospital. 

*  * 

eral    Suffragettes  were  present 
at    the    Curio   dinner   given    by    the 

Lyceum  Club  last  week. 

*  * 

According  to  a  Washington 
(U.S.A.)  food  expert,  an  egg  does 
not  turn  bad  until  it  is  at  least  seven 
years  old.  We  guess,  then,  that 
some  of  them,  like  children,  are  born 
old. 

*  * 

A  great  opportunity  of  raising  still 
more  money  for  the  Cripples'  Fund 
was  let  slip  by  the  Civic  Authorities. 
We  hear  that  many  wealthy  Ameri- 
cans would  have  been  willing  to  pay 
fabulous  sums  for  the  privilege  of 
l»  ing  allowed  to  impersonate  a 
British  King  in  the  Ix>rd  Mayor's 
Show. 

v 

The     Mayor     of     Wimbledon     is 

greatly  perturbed  at  the  report  that 
the  L.C.C.  contemplates  the  absorp- 
tion of  a  number  of  boroughs  at  pie 
s-'iit,  outside  its  scope.  "  Where  are 
going  to  slop?  "  ho  asks. 
"  Wl  rul  the  London 

County    Council    boundaries    to    the 
Aye,    why    not'.'     They  have 
the  boats. 

V 

The  liner  1  iVfnn'.i,  which  left 
Liverpool  for  New  York  th.-  other 


'.ing  out  3,000  canaries  and 

other  is.      Tin-    sight   of    the 

little  mites  with  their  heads  through 
portholes,  suffering  nil  the  horrors  of 
nial-Ji  -mi  r,  must  be  a  very  puinful 
one. 

v 

the  only  oth<  r  news  of  import- 

k    wo    are    ind'-b' 

Tit?  ]><nly  l-'.xjiTfsi.  Mr.  .lolls  WAHK, 
of  Whitby,  lias  just  picked  in  his  gar- 
den three  pounds  of  raspberries,  w  hieh 
he  intends  to  preserve  until  Christ- 
inas ]>ay.  May  we  be  permitted  to 
say  that  we  admire  Mr.  Jolix  WADK'S 
iron  resolution? 


THE    B.A.    AT    WORK. 

firing  an  imayinary  erteniian,  wholly  irilhmti 
prejudice,  of  the  fallowing  aJrrrtitfmfnt 
frum  a  morni 


To  M-.I'.I  b  n.\.  (i 

Honours)  desires  PI'I'II-S  m   Literature  ; 
she   give*    in*!  mi-lion    in    all    convci- 
topics  of  ciirn-nt  ,y»,  book*,  |H<'try. 

Ho  lady  is  educated  in  tln-wi-  il.i\s  unlrai 
thoroughly   versed    in    lit>  ruti.n-,    uml   able  to 
.t  in  conversation.     Address,  B.A.,<tc, 
Days  water. 

TIIK  B.A.  loq. 

WK    will    turn    this    afternoon    to 
Literature,  in  which,  as  my  ad\> 
uieiit  states,  one  must  be  thoroughly 
versed  in  order  to  be  considen-.: 
cated.      We    will    begin    with    Mrs. 
HUMPHRY   WARD,    whose   novels   are 
almost   the  only  ones   written    by   u 
living  woman  which  it  is  absolutely- 
necessary  t.)  read  or  to  know  - 
thing  of.     Of   Miss  COKKLU,   on   the 
contrary,   it  is  permissible   to   know- 
nothing,     however    much 
care  for  her  stories  in  the  priva 
your  boudoir.     Indeed,  it  is  perhaps 
f  that  you  should   disclaim   any 
knowledge  of  this  authoress,  in  spite. 
of  her  popularity  and  her  remarkable 
gifts.     Perhaps  your  best  attitude  is 
one    of    amused    aloofness.       "  Ah, 
yes,"  you  may  say,  when  a  partner 
is  so   ill-advised   as  to   mention    her 

t  work  —  "  ah,  yes,  I  lum- 
ber name  on  title-pages,  I  think." 
Th.-n  add:  "Was  not  she  the 
favourite  authoress  of  l.iri  i  \  Vi<  - 
TOKM'.'"-  this  with  a  merry  little 
laugh,  not  in  the  least  disloyal,  but 
as  an  indication  that,  after  all,  great 
rulers  of  Kmpirc  may  not  necessarily 
be  good  judges  of  literature,  and  in- 
deed are  forgivable  when  they  err  in 
that  direction. 

If  by  any  chance  your  partner  is 
an  enthusiast   for  the  lady,   and 

d'-fend  her,  you  may  remark 
genially  that  you  are  always  fright- 
ened of  numbers,  and  to  read  in  a 
crowd  ruins  all  your  pleasure. 

Very     much     the     same     kind     of 
r  I  would  recommend  with  re- 


NOVEMBER  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


319 


speet  to  Mr.  HALL  CAINE,  who  is  of 
course  ^banal  through  and  through. 
Lt  is  now  very  much  the  thing  to 
*reet  his  name  with  a  chuckle  of 
miusriiiont.  "  Ah,  yes,"  you  may 
say  in  this  connection,  "  wasn't  it 
:ie  of  whom  someone  said  that  he 
always  wrote  at  the  top  of  his  voice?  " 
"  Someone  "  is  wisest  when  speak- 
to  the  ordinary  person;  but  if 
your  partner  seems  to  be  more  ad- 
vanced say  "  poor  OSCAR." 

But  to  return  to  Mrs.  HI-MPIIUY 
WAHD.  It  is  well  to  have  a  few  ad- 
jectives ready  for  reply  to  the  ques- 
tion, "  \Vhat  do  you  think  of  her? 
or  "  Why  do  you  like  her?  "  Use- 
ful phrases  will  be  "  More  like 
GEOBGK  ELIOT  than  JANE  AUSTEN,  I 
always  think;  "  and  "  Such  a  won- 
derful gift  for  what  one  might  call 
intellectual  emotion."  And  "  Of 
course  one  could  wish  sometimes 
that  her  characters  had  a  brisker 
pulse;  but,  after  all,  so  much  of  life 
is  equable,  is  it  not?  "  These  three 
sentences  should  carry  you  through 
safely  enough. 

Before    I    pass    on    to    deal    with 
other  novelists — for,  of  course,  litera- 
ture   in    our    sense    of    the    word 
moans    little    but    fiction — I    would 
point   out  to  you    how   necessary   it 
is    at    the    outset    to    decide    which 
class  of  literary  talkers  you  wish  to 
join — those  who  claim  to  have  read 
everything,    or    those    who    tell    the 
truth.     Both  are  right  enough;  but 
to  claim  to  have  read  all  is  a  pose 
that  requires  rather  a  deal  of  skill  to 
keep    it   up.      Tho   compensation   ol 
course  is  in  your  brilliant  reputation. 
To   those   of   you    who   choose   to 
affect  to  know  all  I  can  offer  some 
useful  advice.     Take  in  tho  literary 
papers   and   those  papers  that   have 
good    literary    pages,    such    as    The 
Telegraph  on   Wednesdays  and  Fri- 
days, and  The  Times  and  The  Post  on 
Thursdays.     Head  the  reviews  care- 
fully.    It   will  take  half  an  hour  a 
morning,    but   it   will   be   time    wel 
spent.     From  each   review  you  wil 
take  away  some  trifling  but  signifi 
cant  fact,  which  will  save,  if  it  does 
not  increase,  your  reputation  during 
the   day.     But   if   you   have   missec 
the    review    altogether    and,    having 
admitted  that  you  have  read  a  book 
that    you    have   never   seen,    are    at 
a   loss   over   an    allusion    to   it,    you 
should      hold     your      head     for 
moment  in  a  puzzled  way,  and  thei 
implore  your  partner  to  remind  you 
of  the  plot,  as  you  have  such  a  shock 
ing  memory.     Most  men  are  so  keen 
to  be  listened  to  that  he  will  mak 
it  very  easy  for  you ;  but  if  he  is  a 
bad    talker    yet    a    severe    cross-ex 
aminer  you  had  better  let  something 


Ellen  (the  Nur«e,  to  little  girl  of  .,*,  tcfco  it  tuppottd  to  hare  an  •P**»**£'*lfr 
-NANCT   YOU  ABE  A  NAUUBTT  LITTLE  GIBL  HOT  TO  HAVB  OONB  TO  SLEEP  THIS  AfTEBNO 
Kaney  (reproachfully).    " ELLEN !     ELLEN!     DON'T   TOU   BEMEMBKB  TUB  run  TIM 

LOOKED  OVEE  THE  SCBEEN,   AND   1   WAS   FAST  ASLEEP  ?  " 


that  ho  says  remind  you  of  some- 
thing else,  and  turn  the  subject.  Of 
course  a  mischievous,  suspicious 
man  could  no  doubt  catch  you  out 
at  once;  but  these  men  aro  rare, 
and  you  would  probably  bo  clever 
enough  to  see  a  danger-signal,  and 
act  accordingly. 

I  may  close  this  lecture  with  a  few 
general  remarks  which  you  will  find 
useful.  Thus : 

"  What  a  pity  that  HARDY  now 
writes  so  little." 


"  One  could  wish  that  CHESTERTON 
was  not  quite  BO  brilliant.  If  only 
he  were  less  clever  he  might  be  GO 
good." 

"  A  great  doal  of  nonsense  it 
talked  about  MEREDITH'S  obscurity." 

"  I  wish  that  Mr.  HEWLETT  would 
return  to  his  earlier  manner." 

"  Few  recent  stories  have  so 
moved  me  as  The  Garden  of 
Allah." 

"  I  tried  Three  Weeks,  but  it  wai 

too  silly." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOYEMBKH   13,    190T. 


A    PLEA    FOR    THE    CENSOR. 


rHuleJ.} 

I  DIDN'T  sign  the  manifesto  of  the  dramatic  authors 
against  the  Censor.  I  had  no  particular  objection  to 
the  manifesto.  It  was  all  right  as  a  manifesto—  beauti- 
fully  written,  \  ry  appealing.  and  all  thut. 

There  was  a  kind  of  hauglr  :'ul  dignity  about  it 

that  was  particularly  fine,  but,  on  the  whole,  I  couldn't 
put  rny  name  to  it.  A  good  many  people  have  noticed 
that  I  didn't  sign  it,  and  they  want  to  know  the  reason 
why.  They  expected  me  to  sign  it,  because,  as  they 
suy,  my  case  is  "one  of  the  worst  and  most  '  flagrant 
instances  of  the  irresponsible  and  mischievous  stupidity 
which  characterises  the  Censor  in  the  discharge  of  his 
ridiculous  duties." 

Well,  the  fact  is  I  'm  a  family  man  (it  isn't  generally 
known),  and,  as  my  expenses  don't  get  any  smaller,  I  'm 
not  going  to  quarrel  with  the  only  man  who  has  done 
me  a  good  turn  on  a  large 
scale.  "My  father," 
said  an  aged  eight-year- 
old  boy  to  me  once,  "is 
about  the  worst  man  alive, 
but  I  'm  going  to  keep 
friends  with  him,  because 
he  gives  me  my  bones." 
You  may  call  the  Censor 
what  you  like,  and  I  'II 
agree  with  you,  but  1 
won't  quarrel  with  him  in 
public.  It  's  owing  to 
him  that  I  've  got  a  flat  in 
Piccadilly  and  a  40-h.p. 
motor-car. 

It  all  happened  about 
two  years  ago.  I  had 
written  lots  of  plays  be- 
fore that  —  simple,  domes- 
tic things,  with  a  strong 
family  interest,  in  which 
everybody  was  all  right  for 
morals,  except  the  occa- 
sional bad  character  who 
forged  a  will  or  said  be 
didn't  care  a  d  —  for  con- 
ventionality. However,  he 
always  repented  in  the  end 


The  Bear.  "  ALLOW  ME  TO  OFFEB  TOO  OKK  or  MY  PROSPECTUSES     Now 

THAT  THE  SPIED   OF   LIXEK8  UA8  6O   UVCM   UCREASED,  YOU   WILL,  PIB1IATS, 
BEE  TUB  ADVi.VT.ial   OF   UtSCBOiO   AOAIKBT  ACCIDENTS." 


or  got  sent  out  to  Australia  after  marrying  the  nurse 
who  had  brought  him  through  the  terrible  wasting 
that  wicked  people  are  so  liable  to:—"  Hush!  do  not 
wake  him.  He  is  now  sleeping  peacefully,  for  his  con- 
science is  at  rest."  You  know  the  sort  of  thing.  Two 
or  three  of  these  plays  were  accepted  and  acted.  The 
Censor  passed  them  all  right— there  was  no  reason  why 
he  shouldn't — and  the  critics  gave  them  a  kind  word  or 
two — all  except  The  Times  man,  who  said  bread-and- 
butter  was  good  enough  in  its  way,  but  you  could  have 
too  much  of  it,  and  for  his  part,  after  seeing  one  of 
my  plays,  he  had  an  uncomfortable  feeling  of  being 
plastered  all  over  with  bread-and-butter.  Life  as  a  huinnn 
sandwich,  he  added,  didn't  suit  him.  Funny,  wasn't 
it?  The  point  for  me,  however,  was  that  there  was 
jolly  little  money  in  it.  None  of  the  plays  had  any- 
thing of  a  run,  and  at  last  the  managers  began  to  refuse 
them,  and  my  wife  said  I  should  have  to  try  something 
else,  because  the  tradespeople  were  getting  restive.  It 
was  just  then  that  I  got  an  idea.  "  Why  shouldn't  you," 
I  said  to  myself,  "  write  n  real  problem  play,  a  sc 
with  some  hot  stuff  about  tin-  relations  <.f  •  s,  and 


a  red-haired  woman  in  it  with  violet  eyes  and  an  ivory 
skin  who  u\»  ybody's  apple-i  :ir!  '  Then  you  can 

;  taken  on  by  the  Unconventional  Play  Society  for 
the  Ibsen  Ti.  -uuse  they  know  the  Censor  won't 

pass  it.  Then  the  Censor  refuses  it;  you  get  it  written 
up  in  the  papers  "  il  've  got  plenty  of  friends  in  that 
lino  of  business  and  I  do  a  bit  in  it  tuys.  Ifi,  "  and  thru 
\oii  publish  tln>  play,  and  it  sells  like  hot  cakes,  and 

I  ruttled  it  off  in  no  time.  I  never  knew  how  easy 
it  was  till  1  tried.  1  put  some  artists  in  it,  with  a  doctor 
or  two  to  set  them  off;  there  was  a  family  solicitor  who 
was  shocked  by  everybody,  an  absurd  person  ;  tl. 
two  wives  who  were  always  in  the  wrong  rooms  with  the 
wrong  men;  and  there  was  the  red-haired  woman  with 
the  ivory  complexion.  There  wasn't  a  hitch  in  the 
whole  business  from  start  to  finish.  The  U.P.S. 
accepted  the  play  and  made  "  elaborate  preparations 
for  staging  it  as  it  deserved."  The  paragraphs  pot  into 

all  the  papers,  and  tl: 
cour-  r  said  he 

wouldn't  have  it. 

It    happened    two   years 

agO,    but    I   (1:: 

member  all  the  indignant 
articles  and  1  king 

for     the 

"  Are  we  children,"  said 
one  article,  "  that  we 
should  for  ever  be  sul  • 
to  this  last  relic  of  drama- 
tic Bumbledom?  Here  is 
a  play,  not  merely  power- 
ful and  dramatic,  but  full 
of  the  most  elc\ 
lessons  of  true  morality 
for  all  who  have  eyes  to 
see  and  ears  to  hear.  We 
defy  anyone  to  read  the 
scene  in  which  Mr*.  Dash- 
leigh  "  this  was  the  red- 
haired  woman — "  appears 
in  the  remains  of  a  tat- 
tered night-dress,  with  a 
crown  of  roses  on  her 
head,  without  a  conviction 
of  the  essential  tragedy  of 
the  most  ordinary  exist- 


ence and  a  resolve  to  do  something  to  raise  the  tone 
of  society  from  its  present  degraded  level."  There 
were  lots  of  others  like  that.  When  the  play  was  printed 
everybody  bought  it  and  read  it.  It  ran  into  ten  editions 
in  three  months,  and  I  've  never  looked  back  since. 

No,   I  'm  for  the  Censor.      He  made  me,   and    I  'II 
stand  by  him  to  the  very  • 

(Signed)     r.um\r,T"N 


Journalistic  Humility. 

"  The  Morning  Leader.—  Nearly  300,000  of  the  intel- 
ligent readers  of  Great  Britain  would  not  miss  its 
Special  Articles,  its  News,  its  Sport,  its  Finance,  its 
Illustrations,  its  Serial,  nml  its  '  Sul)  Rosa.'  "  —  Advt. 

The  Day's  Work. 

Diary  of  a  Strenuous  I.  iff. 

"  Miss  Lena  Ashwell,  encoura^-d  by  the  success  of 
her  thing  matinee  to  Eastbourne,  has  row  arraii 
give  similar  representations  of  that  remarkably  success- 
ful piny,  Irene   ll'i/r/ir  rlcy,  at  Birmingham,   Richmond, 
irdiff  on  Thursday."      I)<iily  Chronicle. 


NOVEMBEH    13,    l'.)07.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


r.i 


Town  Visitor  (to  tmdtt  applicant  for  a  holiday).  "  WllAT  18  TODB  f ATHEB  ?  " 

Small  Applicant.  "  'E  '8  HE  FATIIEB." 

T.  V.  "  YES;  BUT  WIIAT  is  BE?"  S.  A.  "On!    'E's  HE  STIF-FATHER." 

T.  V.  "  YES,  YES.    BUT  WHAT  DOES  HE  DO  ?    DOES  UK  SWEEP  CHIMNEYS,  OB  DBIVE  BUSES,  OB  WHAT  ?  " 

S.  A.  (icith  dawning  liyltt  of  comprehension).  "  0-o-w  !    No,  'E  AIN'T  DOSE  NOTHIN'  BISCE  WE  'VE  'AD  'in  !  " 


WHAT  IS   MILK? 

MILK  resembles  whisky  and  bur- 
gundy in  that  sometimes  it  is  what  it 
professes  to  be,  and  sometimes  it  is 
not. 

What  is  one  babe's  food  is  another 
babe's  poison.  Both,  more  often 
than  not,  are  termed  milk. 

When  mixed  with  water,  milk  is 
a  criminal  offence ;  when  mixed  with 
soda-water  it  is  an  innocent  refresh- 
ment costing  anything  from  two- 
pence to  one  shilling  per  glass. 

The  milkman  who  brings  the  milk 
in  the  morning  is  described  as  early ; 
the  son  or  brother  who  arrives  home 
contemporaneously  with  the  milk  is 
called  late,  and  other  things. 

In  colour  milk  is  sometimes  white, 
sometimes  pale  blue,  and  sometimes 
a  deep  yellow.  White  milk  denotes 
an  aliscnee  of  a  right  proportion  of 
cream ;  ptilo  blue  milk  denotes  the 
presence  of  an  undue  proportion  of 


water;  deep  yellow  milk  denotes  the 
artifice  of  the  chemist.  Milk,  to  be 
properly  enjoyed,  should  be  drunk 
with  one's  eyes  shut  and  one's  mind 
a  blank. 

Milk  is  the  principal  constituent  of 
cheese.  (For  cheese,  see  any  six- 
penny album  of  comic  songs.)  It  is 
also  largely  used  in  bread-and-milk. 

Milk  is  one  of  the  sources  of  in- 
spiration of  the  poet  and  the  artist. 
But  for  the  custom  of  using  milk, 
that  classic  Wttere  arc  yuu  going  to, 
my  pretty  maid?  would  never  have 
been  penned ;  but  for  the  custom  of 
milk-drinking  the  cow  would  have 
been  as  extinct  in  our  forests  as  are 
the  bear  and  the  wild  boar,  and 
SIDNEY  COOPER  would  have  bean  un- 
known. 

There  are  other  brands  of  milk. 
There  is  the  milk  of  human  kindness ; 
there  is  also  tinned  milk.  The 
former  is  too  rare,  the  latter  is  too 
common. 


POETS  AND  THE  PRESS. 

Tin:  great  success  which  has  been 
achieved  by  the  interesting  book  on 
Tasso  and  his  Times,  recently  issued, 
has  prompted  the  publishers  to 
arrange  for  a  series  of  companion 
volumes  with  the  following  arresting 
titles:  — 

Ariosto  and  his  Ansu 

Boccaccio  and  his  British  Weekly. 

Chaucer  and  his  Chums. 

Goethe  and  his  Globe. 

Heine  and  his  Home  Chat. 

Lucretius  and  his  Lancet. 

I'.trarch  and  his  Pall  Mall. 

Ronsard  and  his  Hock. 

N'//'///io  and  her  .S'/>rrfiif<>r. 

Wjrdsicorth  and  his  Winning  Post. 

"Our  Slack  Youth." 
"  HER    infant    son    Joseph,    aged 
two   years,    was   charged    with    wan- 
dering  and   not  being   under   proper 
control."— Daily  Telegraph. 


352 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOTEUBEK    13.    1907. 


A    WAY    THEY    HAVE    IN    THE    ARMY. 


Srr-jean'  (preparing  vjuad  for  cliiirck  parade}.  "RECRUITS!     'Sins! 
CAN'T  READ  WILL  co  THROUGH  TUB  REQUISITE  MOTIOSS,  AS  FOLLOWS:  —  ODE  ! 

'AM.   TO   LEVEL  OF   MOITH.      THREE!   MolSTEV  THUMB   o'    RIGHT   'AND.      Koiu! 


THOSE  AS  CAS  READ  wiu.  FOLLOW  THE  REOLABHUM     Tnour  »n 
F.XTEXD  LEFT  'AND  'OLDIBO  PRATER  DUOK.     Two!     RAISE  RIUIIT 

TURK   HOVER   PAGE  !  " 


DOMESTIC  DIGNITY. 

I  FRANCES  Low,  in  The  Daily  Chronicle, 
urges  lh.it  men  should  make  their  own  bed*  and 
perform  those  menial  duties  which  no  self- 
ought  to  be  asked  to  do  on 


WHEN  CHRIST/ABEL  issues  her  fiat 
I  know  it  is  mine  to  obey  ; 
I  've  lived  at  her  wish 
Upon  lentils  and  fish, 
I  've  feasted  on  fourpeucc  a  day; 
I  've  fattened  on  cocoa-nut  diet, 
I  've  battened  on  bacon  and  beet, 
I  've  lunched  very  sparsely 
On  cutlets  of  parsley, 
Though  longing  for  hunks  of  red 
meat. 

The  simple  life  I  've  led, 
Walked     hatless     down     the 

Strand  ; 

[  've  also  tried  to  sleep  outside 
When  far  and  wide  the  tom-cate 

cried  ; 
It  scarcely  need  be  said 

That  baccy  has  been  banned, 
Aud  w/,ie  taboo  and  whisky  too 
At  CUKISTABEL'S  command. 


But  now  my  dimidium  win 
Has  hit  on  another  new  plan : 
It  is  wrong,  she  explains, 
That  our  poor  MARY  JANES 
Should  be  set  making  beds  for  a 

man. 

In  future  my  darling  will  see  I 
Each    morning    do    out    my    own 

room, 

And  as  soon  as  I  've  taken 
My  morsel  of  bacon 
She  '11   pack   me   upstairs   w  ith    a 
broom. 

The  towels  I  must  change, 

Mop  up  the  wash-hand  stand ; 
I  must  prepare  the  bed  to  air, 
And  dust  with  care  each  bedroom 

chair: 
The  quilt  I  must  arrange 

With  light  and  loving  hand, 
And  tuck  the  sheet  so  smooth  and 

neat 
At  CHRISTABEL'S  command. 

What  though  with  my  dust-pan  and 

duster 

Tha     minutes     fly     swifter     than 
thought? 


What  though  I  've  a  shock 
When  I  glance  at  the  clock 
And  I  see  that  my  train  can't  be 

caught? 

What  though  I  arrive  in  a  fluster 
To   find   that   my  chief  's    looking 

black? 

What  though  courage  fails  me 
And  terror  assails  me 
At  thought  of  the  possible  sack  ? 

What  though  my  life  be  wrecked 

By  ruin's  ruthless  h. 
What  "though   I'm   led   with   halt 

ing  tread 
And    humbled    head    to    beg    my 

bread, 
If  noble  self-respect, 

And  dignity   as  grand, 
Our  MARY  JANE  may  still  retain 

At     ('ill  MlIIKllld. 


The  Handyman  Again. 

"  WASTED,  smart  0  o'clock  man, 
as  Foreman,  Moulder,  with  about  'JO 
hands." — Advt.  in  The  Mechanical 
World. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL-NoYEiiBEH  13.  1907. 


LLOYD  THE  LUBRICATOR. 

THERE  'S  A  SWEET  LITTLE  CHERUB  THAT  FLOATS  UP  ALOFT 
TO  WATCH  O'ER  THE  LIFE  OF  JOHN  BULL. 

[With  Mr.  Punch's  compliments  to  Mr.  LlOTD-GEORGE  on  his  successful  intervention  in  the  late  Railwaj  Dispute.] 


NOVEMBER  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


"AS    OTHERS    SEE    US." 

Sportsman  from  the  Melrvpoli»  (vho  hat  juit  headed  a  fox).  "  I  WOXDEB  WOT  FRIUUTESEU  'in  ?  " 


THE  FOOTBALL  STRIKE  OF 
1908. 

[Professional  football  players  are  at  present 
organising  a  Trade  Union.] 

SEPT.  IST,  1908. — A  representative 
meeting  of  professional  players  was 
held  last  night  at  the  Aston  Villa 
ground.  Mr.  STEVE  BLOOMER,  who 
presided,  related  harrowing  stories  of 
the  hardships  suffered  by  players.  He 
had  known  men  compelled  to  work 
as  much  as  4£  hours  a  week.  (Cries 
of  "  Shame.")  He  had  known  a 
hard-working  player  deprived  of  his 
income  for  a  month,  merely  because 
he  had  absent-mindedly  kicked  a 
referee  instead  of  the  ball.  (Loud 
groans.)  The  grievance  of  having  to 
play  extra  half-hours  in  undecided 
Cup  ties  without  additional  remunera- 
tion was  intolerable.  He  trusted  they 
would  adhere  to  the  Trogramme  of 
the  Players'  ••  Union,  even  if  they 
closed  every  ground  in  England. 

The  meeting  voted  unanimously 
for  the  Society's  Programme  of:  — 

(1)  A  maximum  of  an  hour  and  a 
half's  work  per  week. 

(2)  A  minimum   wage  of  £  10  per 


match — pay  at  double  rates  for  extra 
time  in  Cup  ties. 

(3)  Restriction    of    the    power    of 
referees. 

(4)  The  abolition  of  the  "  blackleg." 

(5)  Recognition  of  the   Union  by 
Football  Club  Directors. 

(6)  Provision  of  Public  Houses  for 
veteran  players. 

In  an  interview  with  a  Press  repre- 
sentative, a  leading  member  of  the 
F.A.  declared  that  under  no  circum- 
stances would  the  rulers  of  football 
recognise  the  Players'  Union.  The 
Association  was  prepared  for  any 
emergency.  The  clubs  had  on  their 
books  the  names  of  thousands  of 
players  who  would  do  the  work  for 
nothing.  He  appealed  specially  to 
old  players,  whose  benefits  were 
nearly  due,  not  to  risk  their  future 
welfare  at  the  bidding  of  Socialistic 
agitators,  who  would  melt  down  the 
English  Cup  itself  if  they  got  hold 
of  it. 

The  President  of  the  Board  of 
Trade,  when  interviewed,  declined  to 
express  any  opinion  on  the  merits  of 
the  controversy.  He  said,  however, 
that  the  Department  was  watching 


the  progress  of  events  with  keen  at- 
tention. The  public  might  take  it 
for  granted  that  the  dislocation  of 
public  pleasure  consequent  on  the 
cessation  of  League  Football  would 
be  prevented. 

Sept.  8.— Sensation  at  Birming- 
ham. 

The  45,000  spectators  at  tEe  Aston 
Villa  and  Sheffield  United  match  had 
an  unpleasant  surprise  yesterday. 
The  teams  before  going  on  the  field 
sent  an  ultimatum  to  their  directors 
demanding  recognition  of  the  Society. 
On  this  request  being  refused  they 
declined  to  play.  In  the  emergency 
scratch  teams  of  directors  and  man- 
agers were  made  up.  Their  appear- 
ance on  the  ground  was  greeted  with 
cries  of  "  Blacklegs  "  and  hoots  of 
execration.  The  reporters,  led  by 
that  doyen  of  the  Press  box,  "  Lines- 
man," solemnly  tore  up  their  pads 
and  declined  to  report  the  match 

Under  the  circumstances  the  crowd 
behaved  with  remarkable  moderation. 
The  grand  stand  that  was  burnt  down 
was  fully  covered  by  insurance,  and 
the  lynched  directors  were  cut  down 
in  time  and  are  expected  to  recover. 


300 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[N..VHMBEH    13,    1907. 


The  crowd  dispersed  quite  peaceably 
when     charged     by     two     hundred 

•  — Blackleg  Football, 
ry    First    League   player  having 
1  the  strike  the  teams  yesterday 
were  composed  of  blacklegs.     Their 
colour   was  betrayed   by   their  bare 
knees. 

A  new  record  was  set  up  for  the 
Chelsea  ground.  Two  spectators  only 
paid  to  see  the  match  bet\\.  >  :. 
Chelsea  and  Woolwich  Arsenal. 

At  Everton  the  contesting  teams 
were  driven  from  the  ground  by 
showers  of  broken  bottles.  Mr. 
VICTOR  GRAVSON  was  an  interested 
spectator. 

The  Blackburn  Rovers'  executive 
protected  their  blacklegs  by  providing 
two  policemen  to  escort  each  player 
during  the  match.  No  goals  v\.  •••• 
scored,  as  the  custodians  of  the  goal- 
keepers were  selected  from  the  most 
bulky  members  of  the  force. 

A  tremendous  sensation  was 
created  at  Middlesboro'.  The  black- 
leg team  put  in  the  field  not  only 
received  nothing  for  their  services, 
but  were  all  actually  natives  of 
Middlesboro'.  This  shows  the  sad 
straits  the  employers  are  put  to  in 
order  to  get  players.  Hitherto  it  has 
been  unusual  for  any  League  team 
to  play  more  than  one  local  man. 

Sept.  22.— The  Crisis:  Special  Ses- 
sion of  Parliament. 

A  thrill  ran  through  London  this 
morning  when  it  was  announced  that 
"  Linesman,"  "  Rover,"  and  "Corin- 
thian "  are  going  out  on  strike  sym- 
pathetically till  the  just  claims  of  the 
players  are  allowed.  It  is  not  ex- 
pected that  the  directors  can  bear  up 
against  this  crushing  blow.  Directly 
the  news  was  communicated  to  Mr. 
LLOYD-GEORGE,  he  said,  "  The  gaiety 
of  nations  must  not  be  diminished  in 
this  manner,"  and  instantly  called 
on  the  Premier  in  Downing  Street. 
It  is  understood  that  a  special  meet- 
ing of  Parliament  will  be  summoned. 
It  is  believed  that  the  President  of 
the  Board  of  Trade  has  framed  a  Bill 
for  the  compulsory  acquisition  of  all 
football  grounds  by  the  State.  Other 
clauses  in  the  measure  provide  that 
there  shall  be  a  minimum  wage  of 
£10  per  match,  that  the  working 
week  shall  not  consist  of  more  than 
two  hours,  that  all  refreshment  bars 
be  run  on  undenominational  linos, 
and  that  Old-Age  Public  Houses 
should  he  given  to  all  football  pro- 
fessionals who  attain  the  age  of 
thirty. 

A  RETREAT  FOR  DIABOLISTS.— Coney 
Hatch. 


THK  CYNOSURE. 
\ViiFS    the    train    left    the    Temple 
thi-ri1    Were    five,   of    US  standing.       At 

Charing  Cross  four  of  the  blessed, 
sympathising  \«  rhaps  with  the  suffer- 
ing humanity  •(•Doing  before,  them, 
or  bored  possibly  with  the  bare 
idea  of  trains,  left  their  seals  )<•  I  • 
taken  by  four  of  the  said  suffering 
humanity.  I  was  one  of  the  one 
that  was  left  standing. 

Conceit  is  a  loathsome  and  abomin- 
able thing,  but  there  it  something 
attractive  about  my  personal  ap- 
pearance. Editors  themselves  have 
often  snid  to  me,  "  Contributor,  old 
man,  I  wish  I  had  your  looks." 
"  Eddy,  old  son,"  I  have  answered. 
"  I  wish  I  had  your  brains."  Then 
we  have  shaken  hands  cordially,  and 
they  have  said  to  me,  "  Are  you 
dining  anywhere  to-night?"  "  N". 
I  have  answered,  fixing  my  i> 
gaze  upon  anything  but  them.  "  In- 
deed?" they  have  rejoined,  incredu- 
lous; "  how  hungry  you  will  be  by 
breakfast-time !  " 

Tliis  flattering  opinion  is  not  con- 
fined to  editors,  for  I  cannot  think 
that  the  twenty-odd  passengers  in 
that  third-class  smoking  car  were  all 
editors.  There  I  stood  in  solitary 
majesty,  the  object  of  the  critical 
inspection  of  twenty  pairs  of  seated 
eyes.  I  was  not  a  little  pleased  to 
notice  the  casual  glances  cast  at  me : 
but,  when  mere  interest  changed  into 
restless  admiration,  I  was  almost 
proud.  I  noticed,  however,  that  the 
enthusiasm  seemed  keenest  at  the  far 
end  of  the  car,  where  men  craned 
forward  from  their  seats  to  look  at 
me,  catch  my  eye,  and  smile  their 
approval  at  me.  But  gradually  their 
interest  spread  to  the  rest  of  the 
compartment,  and,  when  I  bowed 
my  acknowledgments,  they  inclined 
their  heads  and  moved  their  eye- 
brows in  the  direction  of  the  opposite 
end  of  the  car,  a  method  of  ex- 
pressing enthusiasm  not  usual  among 
civilised  peoples,  but  perhaps  to  be 
expected  in  an  Ealing  train. 

As  thcae  signs  of  appreciation  con- 
tinued, I  was,  I  confess,  a  little  em- 
barrassed, the  more  bo  as  they 
seemed  to  be  expecting  something 
from  me.  So  clear  did  it  at  last 
become  that  they  were  anything  but 
satisfied  by  my  modest  attitude  of 
inactive  deprecation,  that  I  felt 
bound  to  take  off  my  hat  and  en 
deavour  by  suitable  gesture  to  convey 
my  hearty  gratitude  for  their  flatter- 
ing regard.  Even  then  they  were  far 
from  satisfied,  so  I  saw  that  there 
was  nothing  for  it  but  a  speech. 
'  '.'  Gentlemen,"  I  said,  "I  thank 
you.  Unaccustomed  as  I  am  .  ~  ."_ 


No,  that  was  not  it,  and  their  dis- 
np|H>intment  was  now  almost  acute. 
The  man  nearest  me,  clearly  repre- 
sentative of  the  general  feeling, 

d  me  with  his  thumb,  nnd, 
regardless  of  the  elementary  prin- 
ciples of  his  nursery  education, 

I  itli    to    the    san 
end  of  the  ear.     Following  that  d 
lion,  my  eyes  alighted  upon  the  (luard 
standing   there   ready,    a\e   ready,    to 
open  the  doors  when  the  proper  time 
should      arrive      for     ti  .door 

policy.     I  took  his  mcaniiu- 
Quick  of  perception,  as  only  Ealing 
people  can  be,   ;!:•  -  hnd 

seen  that  my  rare  beauty  was  not 
skin-deep,  but  \\  as  the  outward  and 
visible  sign  of  an  inward  nnd  invisible 
intellect.  Their  continued  nodding 
and  jKiinting  were  now  explained. 
They  were  calling  my  attention  to 
the  Guard  nnd  were  indicating  t<>  me 
a  subject  for  my  oration.  They 

1,  in  short,  a  final  and  authori- 
tative opinion  from  me.  on  the  late 
Railway  Crisis,  and  I  was  ready  to 
gratify  them. 

"  Yes,  my  masters,"  I  said,  "  ob- 
serve that  unhappy  and  downtrodden 
official,  type  of  a  system  which 
drains  the  life-blood  of  the  poor  am- 
ploy6  to  put  money  into  the  pocket 
of  the  wealthy  employer.  Had  it 
not  been  for  the  splendid  BEI.I.  .  .  ." 
It  was  no  good  trying  to  deceive 
myself.  They  were  not  enjoying  this 
because  it  was  not  what  they  wanted. 
I  had  probably  taken  the  unpopular 

view. 

"  Ncc-i  I  say,"  I  continued  hur- 
riedly, "  need  I  say  that  this  is  only 
my  sarcasm?  Need  I  assure  you 
that  I  should  be  the  last  to  support 
a  movement  of  idlers  and  maleon- 
tents,  a  movement  devised  solely  to 
upset  the  comfort  of  the  community? 
Had  it  not  been  for  the  dastardly 
BKI.L  ..." 

It  was  not  to  be  done.  It  was 
impossible  to  satisfy  those  Ealing 
men,  and  at  this  point  I  was  unmis- 
takably interrupted  by  the  Quiet  Man 
in  the  Corner  (now  do  the  Quiet  Men 
always  manage  to  get  the  corners?) 
who  had  hitherto  sat  aloof.  At  the 
sacrifice  of  all  the  prejudices  nnd  tra- 
ditions which  have  made  the  A 

•  race  what  it  is,  at  the  cost  of 
his  British  manhood  nnd  indepen- 
dence, in  violation  of  nil  those  un- 
written  laws  which  forbid  English- 
men under  what  circumstances  soever 
to  speak  to  a  stranger  in  a  railway 
carriage,  he  brought  himself  to  ad- 
dress me.  ''  Excuse  me,  Kir,"  he 
said,  "  but  I  think  thnt  they  are 
trying  to  point  out  to  you  thnt  there 
is  a  seat  unoccupied  at  the  other  end 
of  tho  compartment.", 


NOVEMBER  13.  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


357 


HARD    TIMES    FOR    DOCTORS. 

THIS  is  NOT  A  POLICE  TEAP,  BUT  ONLY  UNEMPLOYED  MEDICAL  MEH  WAITING  ALONO  THE  BRIGHTON  ROAD  OH  THE  OFF-CHANCE  OF  A  MOTO»-CA»  ACCIDEST. 


HYMN    TO    A    HACK. 

[F.ncournging  him  with  the  reflection  that  even  the  motor-bui  will 
one  day  in  turn  be  supplanted.] 

Bus  horse !  you  have  a  faint  and  weary  eye, 

As  if  the  pomp  of  Regent  Street's  apparel 
Fatigued  the  heart  of  one  who  has  to  ply 

From  Maida  Vale  upon  an  empty  barrel; 
I  think  you  deprecate  our  modern  show, 

And  muse,  perhaps,  on  old  familiar  faces, 
The  partners  of  that  pole,  who  long  ago 

Went  to  the  dogs,   but  left  behind  their  traces. 

At  times  a  cynic  laughter  curls  3'our  lip; 

Of  frantic  hurry  no  profound  adorer, 
It  must  be  that  you  mock  the  mad  pip-pip, 

And  spurn  the  mo-bus  for  a  spavined  roarer; 
Often,  1  think,  at  home  (your  final  cruise 

Completed),  ere  you  sate  a  well-earned  hunger, 
The  Pegasus  of  some  suburban  mews, 

You  harp  on  happy  days  when  you  were  younger. 

"  No  '  Arrow  '  cleft  the  unpolluted  air,". 

I  hear  you  say,  "  before  these  brows  were  furrowed; 
No  Tube  detached  the  all  too  faithless  fare, 

The  Piccadilly  blowpipe  was  unburrowed; 
A  thing  of  beauty  then,  a  barb  sublime, 

With  '  Angels  '  white  and  blue  I  bowled  to  Fulham, 
And  when  I  slithered  on  the  Chelsea  slime 

What  crowds  would  quarrel  for  my  reins  and  pull  'em. 


"  Where  are  they  now — the  boys  that  hauled  my  head? 

The  timid  maids  that  diagnosed  my  cut  knees? 
Gone  to  behold  a  coarser  liquid  shed 

And  stanch  the  wounds  of  petrol-driven  '  Putneys  '  I  " 
Thus,  or  in  some  such  wise,  I  think  you  mourn ; 

But,  if  the  case  be  so,  forbear  to  dodder; 
Remember  "  Kismet,"  my  Arabian-born, 
•  Cheer  up,  and  put  away  your  unchumped  fodder. 

Bethink  you  every  pageant  has  its  day; 

Unknown  conductors  weekly  come  to  work  us ; 
The  panting  "  Pioneers  "  shall  pass  away 

And  cease  to  square  the  edge  of  Oxford  Circus; 
Soon  shall  our  high  mid-heaven  cabs  come  on; 

Soon  on  an  unsuspecting  City's  toppers 
Celestial  "  Pilots,"  with  their  gear-chains  gone, 

From  cloudy  heights  shall  come  explosive  croppers. 

More  Commercial  Candour. 

"  Previous  to  our  annunl  fire  .  .  .  10,000  imported  Turkish  cigarette*, 
2I«.  1,000 ;  7  gross  briar  pipes,  6V.  line,  35«.  gross,"  «c..  Ac. 

Adtt.  in  "  Tolaeeo  Journal." 

This  seems  fair  notice  for  the  Insurance  Companies. 

Headlines  from  "  The  Daily  Expreu  " 
"  18  MONTHS  AMONG  CROCODILES. 

PROF.  KOCH'S  CURE  FOR  SLEEPING-SICKNESS." 
Surely  there  is  nothing  new  in  this.     Travellers  have 
often  told  us  that  people  who  make  a  habit  of  going  to 
bed  in  a  nest  of  crocodiles  never  oversleep  themselves. 


368 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ilULB    13,    1'JOT. 


THH     XK\V     UATTI.K     OF 
LIMERICK. 

A  PUBLIC  meeting,  conv.  • 
the  joint  auspices  of  the  I'nited 
Irisli  League,  tlie  Gaelic  League, 
and  the  Sinn  Fein,  was  held  in  the 
Rotunda,  Dublin,  on  Saturday  last, 
to  protest  against  the  dispropor- 
tionate attention  paid  to  n  frivolous 
form  of  verse  connected  with  one 
Irish  town,  and  to  promote  the  sub- 
stitution of  better  forms  associated 
with  other  Irish  towns  of  equal  if  not 
superior  importance.  The  chair  was 
taken  by  Mr.  W.  B.  YEATS,  and 
amongst  those  present  were  Dr. 
DOUGLAS  HYDE,  Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW, 
Mr.  TIM  HEALT,  M.P.,  Mr.  WILLIAM 
REDMOND,  M.P.,  Mr.  GEORGE  A. 
BIRMINGHAM,  Mr.  DEV- 
LIN, M.P.,  Mr.  STEPHKN 
OWYNN,  M.P.,  Mr.  Vic 
TOR  ORAYSON,  M.P.,  Mr. 
GINNELL,  M.P.,  Sir 
THOMAS  LIPTON,  Bart., 
and  the  Playboy  of  the 
West. 

Mr.    YEATS  opened  the 

Proceedings     by    reading 
e  1 1  e  r  s  and   telegrams 
from  several  distinguished 
persons  who  were  unable 
to  be  present. 

Mr.  ABRAHAM  STOKER, 
author  of  The  Walter's 
A/ou,  and  other  Hiber- 
nian hieroglyphs,  tele- 
graphed :  "  Regret  ex- 
tremely —  engaged  on 
finishing  new  Vampire 
romance — unable  to  at- 
tend— have  never  won  a 
Limerick  prize." 

Mr.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR, 
M.P.,  wrote:  "  Why  only 
Limericks  ?  Why  not 
a  Oalway  or  a  T.P.-rary?  " 

Mr.  GEORGE  MOORE  telegraphed: 
"  Quite  impossible  to  sing  Limericks 
to  the  music  of  PALESTRINA." 

Letters  of  regret  were  also  received 
from  the  Hon.  CHARLES  PARSONS 
(inventor  of  the  marine  turbine), 
Cardinal  LOOCE,  Professor  MAHAFFY, 
and  Mr.  BIRRELL,  M.P. 

Mr.  YEATS,  in  his  opening  remarks, 
observed  that  there  was  nothing  in- 
herently wrong  with  the  Limerick, 
except  that  it  rhymed  and  occasion- 
ally scanned.  Rather  than  substi- 
tute exotic  forms,  of  which  they 
knew  nothing,  thus  providing  a 
remedy  worse  than  the  disease,  he 
would  suggest  a  drastic  revision  of 
the  Limerick.  (Cries  of  Hurroo! 
from  Mr.  WILLIAM  REDMOND.)  Ke- 
suming,  Mr.  YEATS  said  that  perhaps 
the  most  deadly  criticism  that  could 
be  brought  against  Limericks  was 


that  Saxons  could  and  did  write 
them.  (Profound  and  sympathetic 
•Ion.)  For  his  pnrt,  he 
:  thut.  this  being  the  case,  tlu' 
••  of  Limerick  could  sleep  in 
their  beds  or  rest  in  their  graves. 
(Renewed  sensation.)  Speakii 
himself,  he  could  not  bear  to  think 
that  an  Irish  name  should  l>e  applied 
to  a  form  of  verse  within  the  capa- 
city of  a  foreign  rhymer.  Irish 
should  be  so  steeped  in  Celtic 
glamour  that  only  a  Gael  could  write 
or  understand  it.  With  the  meet- 
ing's kind  indulgence  he  would  pro- 
ceed to  read  to  them  his  idea  of  what 
a  Limerick  should  be :  — 

"  It  wu  an  old  grey  fellow  of  Irmigfree, 
Who  built  him  a  cabin  of  wattles  and  clay, 
And  KO  long  did  he  Bleep 


ng    protected  l>y    a  bodyguard 
of  leprechauns. 

Wlint    r  hair   was 

then  tiil.en  I'.v   l»r  DOOOLAJ   HYDE, 


FANCY   PICTURE    AT    THE    COOKERY    EXHIBITION.    ROYAL 
HORTICULTURAL   HALL,    WESTMINSTER. 

AWAITING  TOE  VERDICT  or  THE  HASTES. 


In  the  bee-loud  glade 

That  the  owls  had  builded  their  nest  in  his 
locks, 

Filling  the  fibrous  dimness  with  long  genera- 
tions of  eyes." 

Upon  the  restoration  of  something 
approximating  to  order,  Mr.  SHAW 
rose.  Was  it  not  time,  he  asked, 
that  this  kind  of  mystical  bunkum 
was  stamped  out?  Nothing  had 
done  so  much  harm  to  Ireland  and 
its  great  cause  as  the  Celtic  glamour 
and  all  its 
The  Irish 

shrewd  and  healthy,  and  he  for  one 
protested  against  the  balderdash 
which  a  little  knot  of  idlers  put  forth 
as  its  typical  products.  (Howls  of 
indignation.)  For  his  part,  he  hoped 
that  the  good  Limericks  would  con- 
tirtue  to  be  attributed  to  Irish 
writers,  no  rnntter  who  wr<>t>-  tin-in 

At   tliis  point    Mr.    YEATS   left  the 


. 

who  |  i  to  address  the  meet- 

ing in  High  F.rse,  which  was  inter- 
1  (no  one  knows  whether  ac- 
curately nr  not)  !>v  Mr  Srr.rnEN 
CiWVNN  He  concluded  hv  reciting 
with  terrihle  gusto  a  brief  but  suffi- 
cient effort  of  his  own,  in,  so  to 
sjicak,  its  n;t'  r.  This  effu- 

sion,  to   which   Pr     HYHE   has 
the    name    of    a    "  Connncht,"    Mr 
(iwvxN  Knglishcd  nmid  loud  catcalls 
of  artistic  appreciation. 

Mr.  OINXEI.L,  M.I'.,  the  famous 
cow-puncher,  condemned  in  passion- 
ate terms  the  preferential  treatment 
accorded  to  the  Limerick.  Cattle- 
_  ,  driving  demanded  a 
lyrical  ecstasy  never 
found  in  the  form 
associated  with  that 
decayed  city.  What 
they  wanted  was  a 
"  Kilkenny  "  (more  cat- 
calls from  the  gallery)  or 
a  "  Cork."  He  appealed 
to  the  poets  and  po- 
of Ireland  to  supply  this 
crying  need. 

Mr.  VICTOR  GRAYSON, 
M.P.,  rising  from  the 
body  of  the  hall,  was 
understood  to  say  that, 
while  he  agreed  in  tin- 
main  with  Mr.  GIN-SELL, 
he  considered  Ireland's 
prime  need  to  be  not 
Corks,  but  bottles. 

Mr.  TIM  HEALY'S 
rising  was  the  signal  for 
reloading.  The  labourers 
who  brought  the  bricks 
having  all  left  the  hall, 
the  witty  and  amiable 


attendant    discomforts, 
mind     was     naturally 


Member  for  North  Louth  let  down  a 
portable  steel  grille  and  began  his 
remarks.  Looking  round  this  huge 
gathering,  he  said,  packed  as  it  was 
with  "  statesmen  "  and  poets  and 
professional  patriots,  the  conviction 
was  forced  upon  him  that  what  his 
poor  country  most  conspicuously 
lacked  was  intelligence. 

Ten  explosive  minutes  having 
passed,  Mr.  HEALY  resumed.  It  was 
not  the  metre  of  the  Limerick,  he 
said,  that  was  at  fault;  it  was  its 
essentially  English  dress.  The  nddi- 
tion  of  a  few  Irish  words,  or  the  use 
of  a  little  Irish  spelling,  would,  he 
thought,  meet  the  ease.  In  order  to 
illustrate  his  meaning  he  had,  during 
one  of  his  more  genial  intervals,  pre- 
pared an  example,  which,  with  the 
kind  permission  of  the  leading  marks- 
men present,  he  would  prooe-d  to 
although  he  must  admit  that 


NOVEMBER  13,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


3.19 


f    his    own    comfort    was    cons 
ie   should   entrust   the   triilc    to   the 
custody  of  a  phonograph,     He  then 
)egan  to  read  the  following  lines .  — 

There  was  !i  Btout  chief  named  ( I'dmrhobar, 
Who  in  (lalway  was  hold  in  small  honcliobar, 

Xmv  lie-  lives  m  the  Strand 

On  the  fat  of  the  land, 

And    " 

The  last  line  was  lost  for  ever 
owing  to  external  causes.  Several 
minutes  elapsed  before  the  furniture 
was  replaced. 

Silence  having  been  again  secured, 
an  inspector  of  the  Royal  Humane 
Society  was  flung  on  the  plat- 
form, and  presented  Mr.  HEAIA 
with  a  medal  for  valour,  shortly 
nfter  which  the  meeting  broke  up 
with  the  tactful  assistance  of  the 
splendid  hose  of  the  Dublin  Fire 
Brigade.  

THE  BETTER  WAY. 

MR.  CHARLES  MANNERS  contributed 
a  luminous  and  pathetic  letter  to 
the  Sunday  Times  of  November  3, 
pointing  out  what  incalculable  bene- 
fits would  have  accrued  to  the  cause 
of  high  Art  if  the  money  wasted  on 
the  L.C.C.  steamboats  had  been  de- 
voted to  Grand  Opera  in  English. 

Various  gentlemen,  while  support- 
ing Mr.  CHARLES  MANNERS'S  view- 
that  the  money  spent  on  the  Thames 
steamboats  has  been  wasted,  differ 
widely  as  to  the  way  in  which  it 
ought  to  have  been  laid  out. 

Mr.  WILLIAM  ARCHER  is  of  the 
opinion  that  had  the  steamboat 
money  been  available  for  the  support 
of  a  Free  Theatre,  it  would  enable 
the  promoters  of  that  scheme  to  re- 
tain the  services  of  such  expensive 
artists  as  Mr.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER 
Mr.  BEERBOHM  TREE,  LITTLE  Tien 
and  (for  incidental  music)  Madame 
MELBA,  M.  PADEREWSKI,  and  Signer 
CARUSO. 

Mr.  A.  C.  BENSON  suggests  that  ii 
only  the  money  had  been  placed  al 
his  disposal  he  could  be  assured  oi 
enough,  or  nearly  enough,  paper  and 
ink  to  transmit  all  his  thoughts  to 
posterity. 

From  the  Limerick  Coupon  of  an 
advertising  Jewellery  Co. 

"  There  was  a  Nigger  named  Sam  Lee, 
Who  lived  in  (!nld  Coast  near  Sham  Zee, 
lie  said,  though  I  am  old 
1  can  dig  Gold  Coast  Gold. 

(Fill  last  line  upon  back.) ' 
We  have  tried  this  supine  position 
which  certainly  ought  to  assist  the 
imagination,  and  we  have  workec 
hard  to  catch  the  rhythmic  movement 
of  that  first  line:  — 

"  There  was  a  Nigger  named  Sam  Ix>e 
but  we  can  do  nothing  with  it. 


Jiei-cnne  Offucr  (Lj  r,Vi/Vain,  j'tsl  arrtced).  "Is  roftt  Sllll-'s  CARUO 
Irlxh  ('a; /ain  (rcnj  clicery).  "  IT  is,  Bonn,  1VSKY  KIT  OF  IT!" 


FIRST  PRIZE. 

(An  Islington  Idyll.) 

DAME  with  the  eyes  of  Zeus's  queen, 

A  silken  trophy  on  your  brow, 
With  what  humility  of  mien 

Among  your  conquered  peers,  oh 
cow, 

You  stand  and  suck 
Enormous  mouthfuls  from  a  pail  of 
muckl 

Yours  was  a  triumph  most  supreme  : 
The  Paris  who  acclaimed  you  first, 
Disdaining  divers  fairs  that  seem 
As  lovely  and  as  like  to  burst, 

Unswayed  by  greed, 
From   sheer  conviction   handed  you 
the  swede. 

And  yet  that  overweening  air 
Which  marks  a  champion's  fame 


in  man- 


You  have  it  not,  nor  seem  to  care 
(Your    muzzle    being    merged    in 
bran) 

When  yokels  come 
And  prod  you  rather  rudely  in   the 
turn. 

Nor  yours  to  squander  time  and  ink 

On  callisthenics,  nor  to  bruit 
What  diet  turned  your  nose  so  pink, 
Nor  how  that  undrr-ratr.l  fruit 

Of  Mother  Earth, 

The   mangold- wurzi'1,   Bwt-lird   your 
monstrous  girth. 

Here  is  a  parable  for  pride  t 

Oh   would  that  other  cracks  who 

bear 
The  burden  of  a  bulging  side 

Would  cultivate  your  modest  air, 

And  count  it  rot 
To  look  so  big  about  a  champion  pot  1 


360 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHAIIIVARI. 


MBER   13,    1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  1'unch'i  Staff  of  Learned  Clerlu.) 

MR.  (i.   S.  STREET  was  born  out  of  due  time.      His 
baffled  Genius  designed  him  f  M-V  exquisite,  mid 

his  own  trained  habits  ha-.  :nphasiscd  the  uncon- 
geniuhty  of  an  ace  on  which  his  liner  qualities  arc 
wasted.  UEOROB  by  name  and  Georgian  l>\  nature,  his 
body  may  wander  forlornly  amid  a  motor-bus  environ- 
ment, but  his  spirit  is  away  there  in  the  18th  and  early 
19th  centuries,  mo\ing  among  The  Ghost*  of  Piccadilly, 
u  he  calls  the  fascinating  book  that  Messrs.  COSSTABLK 
have  published  in  a  form  worthy  of  its  matter.  There 
is  surely  no  living  writer  more  fitted  to  perform  this  act 
of  piety  to  the  memory  of  that  other  GEORGE  (BHUMMEI.). 
of  "  MONK  "  LEWIS,  of  the  Great  Duke,  or  of  "  Old  Q." 
Like  the  good  artist  he  is,  Mr.  STREET  does  his  work 
cleanly  and  easily,  without  insistence,  without  net-., 
sacrifice  of  energy.  The  thin  vein  of  cynicism  which 
may  be  traced  in  his  modern  social  studies  is  win 
here.  His  satire  is  of  the  most  humane ;  all  other  I 
forbidden  by  loyalty  to  a  period  with  which  his  tei: 
is  so  closely  in  touch.  Mr.  STREET  has  essayed  and 
accomplished  more  difficult  tasks,  but  none  better 
suited  to  a  style  in  which  the  personal  note  is  alwuy.- 
dominant.  Long  may  it  be  before  he  joins  the  company 
of  his  beloved  ghosts;  long  ere  he  becomes  transparent, 
and  ceases  to  throw  a  shadow  from  that  corporeal  form 
which  is  among  the  most  alluring  features  of  the 
Piccadilly  of  to-day.  

The  cover  of  Mr.  OLDMEADOW  his  book, 

The  Scoundrel  (G.  RICHARDS),  deceives  by  its  look, 

For  under  the  title's  bright  gold  upon  red 

Is  framed  a  delightfully  feminine  head, 

And  "  A  scoundrel!  "  you  cry  in  bewilderment.     "  No! 

It  cannot,  it  cannot,  it  cannot  be  so !  'I 

Your  fears  are  unfounded :  you  turn  to  the  plot, 
And  quickly  discover  that  scoundrel  she  's  not, 
But  a  charmingly  guileless  young  person  instead, 
Who  turns  the  young  hero's  romantic  young  head, 
And  he  woos,  having  fallen  in  love  with  her  face, 
And  he  does  it  with  delicate  humour  and  grace. 

And  the  Scoundrel — the  real  one — won't  leave  'em  alone ; 

He  's  the  cleverest  scoundrel  that  ever  was  known ; 

Original,  cultured  in  word  and  in  act, 

Distinctly  a  lovable  scoundrel — in  fact, 

If  I  were  desirous  of  being  one,  he 

Is  exactly  the  sort  I  'd  endeavour  to  be. 


That  a  young  girl  should  conceive  a  sudden  and  relent- 
less passion  for  the  father  of  her  fiance  is  a  situation  that, 
whether  in  fact  or  fiction,  is  fortunately  as  rare  as  it  is 
repellent.  This  is  what  happens  to  Lady  Briqit  Mend 
in  the  Baroness  VON  HUTTEN'S  new  novel  The  Halo 
(METHVES).  To  escape  from  her  mother,  whom  she 
loathes,  and  her  other  suitors,  who  either  .bore  or  disgust 
her,  she  allows  herself  to  be  engaged,  without  convic- 
tion, to  the  rather  colourless  son  of  a  famous  fiddler,  a 
man  of  Norman  blood,  who,  however,  bad  no  more  claim 
to  association  with  the  Conqueror  than  was  to  be  found 
in  the  fact  that  his  parents,  plain  peasant  folk,  lived  in 
Falaise,  the  Conqueror's  birthplace.  We  are  asked  to 
believe  that  'the  fastidious  girl  is  immediately  prostrated 
by  the  attractions  of  this  maestro,  loud  of  dress,  florid  of 
manners  and  appearance.  It  may  have  been  his  c>-inus 
as  a  musician  that  had  made  previouB  Indies  respond  to 


the   appeal   of   his   6  .  t.     Bui  are   ex- 

^ly  informed  that  it  was  his  personal!! ;  'han 

his  music  that  overwhelmed  the  l.ndij  Iiri<jit.      !!•  M  is  the 

hod  sentence  that   tells  us  so : — "As  she  l.>t<  iicil, 
her   love   for   mu 

interest   in    t  mun."     The    fiddler  :ii>n 

hetwi-en  loyalty   tu   ins   ion   and   pa-^l"ti   i>ir  his   l"\er  is 
admiral!      pi          ted.      I'-. 
sudden  revulsion  of  feeling  is  cuus*  'h  <>f  his 

-ant  wife,  a  type  »f  woman,   well   ]  .   who  t" 

the  virtues  of  domesticity  adds  an  amiable  ^  of 

the  foibles  of  din;;  has 

a  false  air  of  finality.  We  know  well  that  there  can  lie 
no  finality  of  sentiment  with  this  iniddli  a^vd  llatt.  . 

In  spite  of  its  morbidity  ut;d  the  unlo\  ableiiess  of  most 
of  its  chief  characters,  it  must  he  admitted  that  the  book 
holds  our  attention.  The  author  has  an  understanding 

.  and  a  hand  whose  touch  is  light ;  but  she  lacks 
criticism;  she   writes   with   perhaps  too  much  ease  and 

idence,  as  if  her  early  little  spoiled 

her.  'I  could  have  wished  too  that  she  had  given  more  play 
to  that  pretty  gift  of  humour  which  shows  so  pleasantly 
in  her  picture  of  the  golden  wedding  at  Fa!. 

Born  in  Waterloo  year,  SHIRLEY  BROOKS  was  articled 
to  his  uncle,  a  solicitor  at  Oswestry.  It  was  one 
of  his  flashes  of  humour  that,  being  chri.-teiied 
CHARLES  WILLIAM,  he,  when  he  ca:  died 

himself  SHIRLEY,  and  is  BO  known  in  history.     Though 
bound  to  the  law,  his  bent  was  for  journal!.- :;..     Among 
miscellaneous    engagements    he    became    the    prii. 
contributor  to  one  of  the   long   list  of   v.  •  >mic 

papers  which  under  various  names  pursued  the  com- 
mon object  of  "  wiping  out  "  the  amiable,  harmless — and 
after  these  more  than  sixty  years  of  public  approval  one 
may  perhaps  add — necessary  Punch.  The  "  Man  in  the 
Moon  "  went  the  way  of  other  aspirants  on  this  palhv 
and  in  course  of  time  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  who  hud  distiii 
guished  himself  by  a  particularly  venomous  attack  on 
Mr.  Punch,  was  gathered  to  that  magnanimous  person's 
fold.  Mr.  G.  S.  LAYAKD  edits  The  Life,  Letters  and 
Diaries  of  Shirley  Brooks  (PITMAN).  To  quote  one  of  his 
own  characteristic  remarks,  otherwise  ml  Mr. 

LAYAHO'S  commentaries  on  passing  events  in  the  life  of 
his  hero  "  read  rather  jejunely."  Happily  he  came  into 
possession  of  some  diaries  written  by  BROOKS  with 
the  avowed  intention  of  compiling  his  autobiography. 
Also  there  are  batches  of  letters,  some,  it  is  true,  a  little 
trivial  and  commonplace  for  the  fierce  light  that  bents 
on  the  printed  page.  On  the  whole,  the  portly  volume 
presents  a  fair  portrait  of  the  broad-minded,  large- 
hearted  man  whose  self-sacrificing  domesticity  did  not 
wholly  suppress  a  tendency  to  Bohemianism,  who  toiled 
terribly  in  the  service  of  the  paper  with  which  his  name 
will  ever  bo  associated,  who,  loving  work  and  aim  play, 
burnt  the  candle  at  both  cuds,  it.-  [i  nly 

blown  out  before   he  >r.      (in    the 

morning  of  February  28,  1->7I,  :i  printer*!  !  y  fi,,m 
Bouverie  Street  was  waiting  in  the  hull  at  6,  Kent 
Terrace,  Ke^-nt's  Pur!;.  him,  silent,  uns 

was  another  messenger.     The  boy  got  his  "  cupy,"  niul 
•UIRI.KY  BROOKS  laid  down  the  pen,  IVath  call,  d  him, 
and  he  quietly  fared  forth. 


An  unfortunate  facon  de  parlor. 

"Mr.  Uacara  had  no  difficulty  in  expressing  tl>e«],mi  n  that,  aa  he 
•aw  them,  there  is  nothing  in  tl.e  Chicago  warchouaea  to  prevent  the 
meat  sti|'|<Iy  arriving  in  thiy  country  from  being  viewed  ai  otherwise 
\lanfhritrr  •  liron'flf. 


NOVEMBER  20,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


MUSICAL  NOTES. 

As  the  greater  includes  the  less  s< 
the  TETRAZZINI  boom  threatens  t< 
eclipse  and  obliterate  all  other  topic 
ami  personalities  in  the  musica 
world.  Only  a  little  ago  musica 
critics  confidently  pronounced  thi 
reign  of  the  Italian  prima  donna  tc 
be  as  dead  as  a  door-nail.  In  viev 
of  the  distressing  news  that  reache 
us  from  different  quarters  it  become; 
imperatively  necessary  for  thesi 
hasty  and  prejudiced  writers  to  revisi 
their  partial  and  ill-founded  verdict. 

Advices    from    Podolia    state    tha 
M.    PADKREWSKI   has   now   definite!; 
resigned    virtuosity    for    vegetables 
His     addiction    to     agriculture     was 
hitherto  regarded  merely  in  the  lighi 
of  a  parcrgon,  but  now,  in  view  o 
the  revived  cult  of  the  prima  donna 
it  has  become  an  absorbing  obsession 
even    involving    the    neglect    of    his 
chevelure.     M.  PACIIMANN,  as  is  wel 
known,  is  engaged  on  an  exhaustive 
treatise  on  the  Marmoset,   which  it 
may    be   necessary   to   remind   some 
readers  is  not  a  musical  instrument 
but  a  small  South  American  midoic 
monkey,     having     a     non-prehensile 
tail     and     soft     woolly     hair.       M. 
GODOWSKY,  who  has  long  devoted  his 
leisure  to  economics,  is  at  work  on  a 
History  of  Bimetallism,  and  MISCHA 
ELMAN    will    shortly    issue    the    first 
volume  of  his  History  of  the  Hospo- 
dars  of  Wallachia. 

We  may  note  in  this  connection  a 
very    ^illuminating     paper     by     Mr. 
HAROLD  Cox,   M.P.,   in   the  current 
number  of   the   Individualist,    "  The 
Finance  of  Divadom."    In  a  deeply 
interesting     historical     survey     Mr. 
HAROLD  Cox  compares  the  earnings 
of     CATALANI,      MALIBRAN,      PASTA, 
PATTI,    PICCOLOMINI,    and    Madame 
TETRAZZINI.       Especially    fascinating 
is  the  passage  in  which  he  shows  the 
curious  ratio  that  exists  between  the 
number    of    syllables     in     a    prima 
donna's  name   and   the   quantitative 
theory    of    gold    held    by    orthodox 
writers  on  economics.     The  amount 
of  money  invested  by  prima  donnas 
in  jewels,  and  its  bearing  on  the  late 
Lord  GOSCIIEN'S  conversion  scheme, 
is  another  point  of  vivid  interest  in 
Mr.  Cox's  illuminative  essay.    As  an 
instance  of  the  steady  development 
of  expenditure  amongst  great  singers 
— which     increases    in    a    harmonic 
rather  than  arithmetical  progression 
— Mr.  Cox  notes  that  whereas  CATA- 
LANI   possessed    only    a   silver    bath, 
that  of  PICCOLOMINI  was  parcel-gilt, 
while    Madame    PATTI'S    is    of    22- 
sarat    gold    with    a    platinum    waste 


" 

^ 


Patient  (to  Dentist).  "  EXCUSE  MY  TAKING  «r  COAT  orr. 

SURE  TO  STRUGGLE  A   BIT." 


PAIN   MAKES    ME    (0    1RBITABLI,   I  '• 


)ipe.     But  the  whole  article  will  re- 
>ay  attentive  perusal  by  all  who  are 
uterested   in   the   cost  of  municipal 
opera. 

Mr.  BEN  DAVIES  has  fortunately 
not  abandoned  the  concert  platform, 
t  his  continued  devotion  to  Diabolo, 
already  noticed  by  us  at  the  time  of 

>he  Leeds  Festival,  is  causing  his 
admirers  considerable  anxiety.  In  a 
fit  of  abstraction  the  other  day  he 
actually  came  on  to  the  platform 

wirling  the  cone,  and  his  latest 
achievement  is  a  transcription  of  the 

spinning    Chorus    from    the    Flying 

Dutchman  for  twelve  Diabolists.  As 
Mr.  SEYMOUB  HICKS  pertinently  re- 
narks,  "  How  can  a  singer  be  on  the 

ide  of  the  angels  if  he  is   always 

laying  Diabolo?  " 

A   charming   interview    article    on 


the  new  diva,  from  the  pen  of  Mrs. 
CLARA  DOOLEY,  appears  in  the  cur- 
rent number  of  The  Woman  at  Sea. 
We  must  not  discount  the  pleasures 
of  perusal  by  taking  too  liberal  toll  of 
its  contents,  but  may  note  that 
Mine.  TETRAZZINI  takes  an  eminently 
sane  and  judicial  view  of  such  burn- 
ing questions  as  the  distribution  of 
limelight  between  the  prima  donna 
and  the  primo  tenore,  the  employ- 
ment of  aeroplanes  for  flying 
matinect,  and  the  correct  method  of 
eating  macaroni.  Humanitarians  will 
rejoice  to  hear  that  there  is  abso- 
lutely no  foundation  for  the  rumour 
that  Mme.  TETRAZZINI,  on  the  ter- 
mination of  her  engagement  at 
Covent  Garden,  is  going  to  shoot 
lions  in  Somaliland  with  Mme.  SARAH 
BERNHARDT  and  Mr.  ALGERNON 
ASUTON. 


302 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVKMBEI   20,   1907. 


"THE    THIEF." 
M.   HKNKI  BKR.NSTEIX  would  prol>- 
ahly  I..-  tin-  lust  to  want  to  be  sus- 
i    ..f    ii    moral    j.  in    his 

|>!HVS.    Yet  the  audience  tliut  as 
Ht  the   I'inal   Ilehearsal  uf  The   TlnrJ 
(adapted    by    Mr.    GORDON  I. ! 
wore  able  to  take  away  with  them 
two-   Great     Thoughts:  —  (1)    If     a 
woman     i.nly     loves     her     husband 
enough  she  will  be  capable  of  almost 

.rifainy.  (2)  If  a  youth  only 
loves  Bonn-body  else's  wife  enough 
!•  "ill  be  capable  of  almost  any 

-•n.  It  doesn't  sound  quite 
right,  does  it'.1  Still,  if  you  drew 
conclusions  at  first  sight  1 
slinll  excuse  you,  for  you  • 
i.nnlv  suffering  from  the  strain  of  n 
night's  sitting  at  a  play  which 
'•  i  in't,  even  in  its  gayest  moments, 
the  very  ghost  of  a  smile  in  it — at 
not  for  our  side  of  the  foot- 
lights, though  some  of  the  actors 
s-eiiiel  amused  with  themselves. 
Hut  having  thought  it  over  and  dis- 
carded your  earlier  deductions,  I  hope 
that  you  have  discovered  the  point 
where  the  only  real  psychological  in- 
terest of  the  play  lies.  The  secret  has 
not  yet  been  confided  to  author  or 
adapter.  They  are  apparently  con- 
tent (I  cannot  apportion  credit  or 
blame,  as  the  original  is  unknown  to 
me)  in  the  belief  that  they  have  pro- 
duced a  villain  and  a  hero  who  do 
not  correspond  to  the  perfect  types 
of  stage  convention ;  who  might  have 
been  melodramatic,  but  are  saved 
from  that  reproach  by  redeeming 
traits  of  virtue  and  vice  respectively. 
But  as  a  matter  of  fact  the  thief 
(who  does  not  interest  me)  is  a  per- 
fect stage  villain.  What  is  set  down 
to  her  for  virtue  is  an  accident.  She 
is  chaste  only  because  she  happens  to 
love  her  husband  better  than  any 
other  man.  And  the  half-baked 
French  hero  (the  only  English  sign 
about  him  is  his  devotion  to  the  works 
of  KOSSRTTI,  who  does  not  lend  hiin- 
s.-lf  to  translation)  is  no  hero  at  all. 
The  end,  with  him,  vitiates  the  virtue 
of  the  means.  He  takes  upon  him 
the  thief's  guilt,  because  he  wants 
her  to  be  his  mistress,  and  this  seems 
the  nearest  way  to  her  obdurate 

.  It  is  not  as  if  he  suddenly 
despised  her  for  her  crime,  yet  re- 
solved to  be  loyal  to  her.  There  is 
no  intimation  that  her  offence  repels 
him.  And  when  he  ultimately  breaks 
down  in  tears  it  is  not  at  the  thought 
of  the  sorrow  and  shame  he  is  bring- 
ing on  his  home  by  his  assumption  of 
puilt.  but  because  he  is  to  be  sepa- 
rated from  the  woman  by  half  a 
hemUph- 

No,  the  most  suggestive  feature  of 


tlic  play  is  to  be  found  in  tin-  \\eak 
character  <•{  the  husband,  liicluinl 
I'hclftTii.  This  fact  seems  to  have 
escaped  tli,-  authors'  notice.  They 
appear  to  regard  him  bimply  as  a 

Useful      puppet      for      the      plirpo^ 

stage  mechanism.      Hut    he   is   • 
thing  more  than  this,      lie  is  a  preci- 
ous exninple  of  the  immorality  that 


THE  PtWETVAI,  HoXETMOU*. 

1— Its  Lighter  Side. 


t-.f  :-•  •< 


II      lu  Dirker  Side. 

Mtilifi-  I'hflfunl   .  .  Miss  Irene  Vaiibrujjh. 
liithard  Chelfard    .  Mr.  George  Alexan-l-r. 

underlies  certain  fnims  of  virtue;  a 
typo  of  those  men,  for  instance,  who 
have  a  code  of  ethics  adaptable  to 
crises  in  which  their  uxorious  passions 
are  engaged.  Theoretically,  being,  a 
man,  he  must  have  placed  hoi 
as  a  woman  places  chastity,  above  all 
other  virtues.  This  preference  woul-1 
even  hold  good  with  him  in  a  g. 
way  for  the  other  sex.  He  would 
prefer  that  just  any  woman  of  his 
acquaintance  should  bo  proved  un- 


chaste than  that  she  should  be 
proved  a  thief.  Yet  the  discovery 
that  his  wife  has  stolen  her  host's 

v.     and --worse    offence  —  has 
allowed     the     son     of     their     host 

ir    her    pull,    only    creates    in 
him  a  temporary  repulsion.        He   is 

.  uiuler  the  influence  of  a  phy- 
sical appeal,  to  condone  her  crime, 
when  he  suddenly  suspects  her  c.f 
unfaithfulness  to  himself.  Then  only 
.  tiling  to  !»•  finally 
loathed  and  spurned.  And  when,  in 
the  end,  she  convinces  him  of  her  in- 

i-e  of   all   direct   offence   against 

If,   he  easily   pardons  tin- 
thing,  and  even  pleads  her  IP..  • 
namely,  the  desire  to  retain  his  love 
by  wearing:  pr  -,      as  an  argu- 

ment in  extenuation  of  her  tin  r 
vveal<    and    flabby   character,    and    re- 
cognised   as    such    l>y    his    wife    when 
she     thinks     to     keep     his     affection 
through    the    medium    of    millinery. 
But   the    authors    nowhere    give    any 
sign    that    they    regard    him    as    any- 
thing but  a  fine  fellow,  with  a  t 
and  feeling  heart  for  the  lapses  of  a 

In  the  part  of  Mali.-if  Chrljurd  (I 
shall  call  her  MII/I'XC  because  her  hus- 
band and  her  friends  called  her  that, 
and  they  ought  to  know  better  than 
the  printer,  who  called  her  Murise  on 
my  programme)  Miss  IKI:NK  VAX- 
BRUGH  had  a  great  chance,  and  let 
none  of  it  go.  II  'ility  was 

absolutely  bewildering.  Falsehood 
and  truth  streamed  from  her  lips 
with  the  same  torrential  flin-in-y. 
Cajolery,  terror,  protestation  of  in- 

•e,  confession  of  guilt,  n-n 
fascination,  suicidal  despair — nothing 
came  to  her  amiss  in  the  great   l"-d- 
room  scene.       Y'ou  remember  her  in 
Tlic  Gay  Lord  QUCJ-  '    It  was  a  bed- 
room there,  too,  that  witnessed   h-  r 
dramatic  triumph.     What  is  tb- 
the  atmosphere  of  a  s1 
that  Miss  VANBRUGH  finds  so  bracing'.' 

Mr.  AI.KXAXIIKII'S  Hirliard  Chcl/'inl, 
if  a  little  stiff  at  the  dress  rehearsal, 
was  a  very  sound  piece  of  net  ing; 
but,  like  the  authors,  he  did  not 
to  be  aware  that  then-  was  anything 
the  matter  with  his  own  character. 

There  were  signs  of  great  promise 
in  the  di'lml  of  voting  Mr.  l{i:<;iNM,n 

<>VV!N.  lie  played  the  hoy-loVer 
with  a  natural  j/nt/r/icnV  very  proper 
to  the  part  if  only  it  had  been  an 
Knglish  IMIV;  a  French  mannikin 
would  have  carried  the  situation  with 
perfect  aplomb.  I  think,  hov. 
that  in  (I.  w  1"  P-  he  is  con- 

fronted by  the  detective,  his  air  of 
candour,  his  shocked  surprise  when 
charged  with  the  theft,  his  confes- 
sion, and  his  prostration  beneath  the 
'shame  of  his  assumed  guilt,  were 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.    NOVEUBEU  20,  1907. 


THE  IMPLACABLE S. 


MR   Vim  (damaged  ly  charge  of  Amazon,).  "WE'RE  ALL  ON  THEIR  SIDE,  REALLY,  AREN'T  WE 
Mr,  "Luui"  HAROOURT.  "WELL,  YOU'D  BETTER  MAKE  THAT  QUITE  CLEAR  TO  THEM.    THEY'LL 
BE  BACK  DIRECTLY!"  . . 


NOVEMDEE  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


305 


THINGS    THAT    MIGHT    HAVE    BEEN    EXPRESSED    DIFFERENTLY. 

Genial  Sportsman  (to  New  Master).  "ALLOW  HE  TO  INTRODUCE  TOU  TO  OSE  or  THE  OLDEST  MEMBERS  or  THE  HCNT." 


rather  too  clever  and  studied,  when 
one  considers  how  rapid  and  breath- 
less must  have  been  the  instructions 
he  had  received  from  Malise. 

Mr.  SYDNEY  VALENTINE,  as  the  boy's 
father,  was  extraordinarily  human, 
and  Miss  LILIAN  BRAITHWAITE  (step- 
mother) played  with  a  nice  round- 
eyed  sincerity.  It  was  rather  sad  to 
see  that  excellent  comedy  craftsman, 
Mr.  LYALL  SWETE,  in  the  part  of  a 
commonplace  detective,  the  cock- 
sure bully  of  latter-day  fiction,  as 
usual  on  the  wrong  scent.  That  is, 
if  he  really  was  on  the  wrong  scent ; 
for  I  begin  to  renew  my  doubts. 
What  if  the  boy,  and  not  Malise,  was 
the  thief  after  all?  They  both  con- 
fessed their  guilt,  and  in  neither  case 
was  the  confession  withdrawn.  In- 
criminating bank-notes  were  found 
in  the  possession  of  both.  So  far 
their  claims  are  equal ;  but  then 
there  is  the  detective's  evidence  to 
turn  the  scale  in  favour  of  the  boy's 
guilt.  There  were  several  items  in 
that  evidence — his  heavy  losses  on 
the  Turf,  his  entertainment  of  an 
actress  in  town,  notably  an  expensive 
form  of  distraction — which  were  never 
properly  explained,  and  could  not  be 
accounted  for  by  a  paternal  allow- 


ance of  £20  a  month.  What  if  the 
authors  themselves  have  been  de- 
ceived? I  should  rather  like  to  think 
that  they  had.  After  their  cruel  at- 
tempt to  mystify  the  audience  in  the 
First  Act,  it  would  serve  them 
thoroughly  right  I  0.  S. 

THE  LAST  WASP. 
POOR  wasp,  my  bitter  and  elusive  foe 
(What     frights     and    fights    those 

gaudy  stripings  rake  up !), 
Your    trailing    thighs    and    groping 

movements  show 

A  final  physical  and  mental  break- 
up. 
I  must  not  hit  an  insect  when  it  'a 

down; 
The    day    is    past    for    rancorous 

requitals ; 

Your   friends   are   dead,   your  fruit- 
trees  bare  and  brown, 
And  early  frost  has  got  you  in  the 

vitals. 

I  can  but  pity  such  a  wreck  as  you, 
And  as  humaner  feelings  intervene, 

I'll 
Reflect  that  even  man,  ay,   woman 

too, 

In  time  grow  feeble,  impotent  and 
senile. 


Perchance'  for  summer  dainties  still 

you  sigh 
Which   you   annexed   with   savage 

predilection? 
You  shall  have  one  more  feast  before 

you  die; 

I  '11  guide  you  to  this  apricot  con-. 
fection. 


How  now  !      A  spasm  at  my 

tip! 
A  sudden  twinge,  pulsating,  vivid, 

prickly  I 
You  scorpion!       Well,   I've  floored 

you  with  that  flip; 
You  're  done  for  now.      MARY,  the 
blue-bag  quickly  1 


SPORTING  prophecy  is  a  dangerous 
game,  as  "  Linesman  "  could  tell 
you;  yet  there  are  moments  when 
one  must  take  one's  courage  in  both 
hands  and  dash  at  it.  Such  a 
moment  occurred  recently  to  the 
expert  on  the  Grimsby  Daily  Tele- 
graph, with  this  result:  — 

"As  things  turned  out  neither  side  could 
claim  an  advantage  at  half-time,  for  the  score 
sheet  was  still  blank  when  the  interval  was 
called,  and  if  things  went  on  the  same  way  on 
resuming  there  was  every  reason  to  expect* 
goalless  draw  as  the  result." 


Ml 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAUIVARI. 


UDEK  20.  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THKUK  si-cms  to  be  a  difference  of 
opinion      between      the      1'mxi  i 
\\'AI.KS  ami  Sir  JOHN  FISIIKK.      Some 
little  time  ago  His  lioyal  Highness, 
speaking    at    the    (Imldhall, 

•  •  up.  Finland !  "  Sir  Joiis, 
speaking  in  the  saino  place,  has  now 
issued  the  advice:  "  Sleep  quietly  in 
your  beds." 

v 

Meanwhile  it  is  good  to  know  tl.at 
"  our  Navy  is  second  to  none."  But 
— so  was  our  war  air-ship. 

v 

There  is  no  ground  for  the  report 
that  Sir  RU-IIAKD  SOLOMON  bitterly 
leseoted  the  air  of  suspicion  assumi •<! 
by  a  number  of  detectives  who 
shadow.-d  him  while  the  Cullinan 
diamond  was  in  his  custody. 

V 

The  fact  that  the  recent  Birthday 
Honours  comprised  no  new  peerugi-s 
baa  had  the  effect,  we  bear,  of 
making  the  last  batch  of  Liberal 
peers  exceedingly  norvous,  as  they 
are  now  convinced  that  they  will  b-; 

abolished. 

*  * 

"  Dr.  KENNY,"  says  Trulh,  "  is  an 
advanced  Liberal,  and  he  sat  for 
some  time  in  tho.  House  of  Commons, 
but  he  is  clever,  and  useful,  and 
popular."  The  italics  arc  ours. 

At  a  meeting  addressed  by  Mr. 
M<  KKNNA  at  Brighton  last  week  a 
number  of  Suffragettes  were  put 

out.     So  was  Mr.  MC.KENNA. 

*  * 

It  is  said  that  certain  Ministers 
are  jealous  of  the  success  achieved 
by  Mr.  LLOYD-GEORGE  in  the  Railway 
dispute,  and  a  strange  rumour  now 
reaches  us  to  the  effect  that  Mr. 
BIKKKLL,  whose  literary  tastes  are 
well  known,  is  about  to  attempt  to 
make  peace  between  The  Times  and 
the  publishers. 

%* 

We  are  surprised  and  slightly 
pained  that  The  Daily  Newt,  which, 
we  have  always  understood,  had  set 
its  face  against  gambling  in  any 
form,  should  have  given  publicity  to 
the  following  announcement: — "  Mr. 
JAMES  WILSOV,  Town  Clerk  of  Mary- 
lebone,  was  on  Saturday  presented 
by  Sir  T.  H.  BROOKK  Hm  HISO,  on 
his  retirement  from  the  office  of 
.Mayor,  with  a  handsome  silver  casket 
for  playing  cards."  We  imagine  tins 
to  be  the  first  testimonial  which  has 
ever  been  given  for  card-playing. 

Finger-prints  which  a  police  in- 
spector found  on  a  gate,  and  de- 
scribed as  "  smelling  as  if  someone 


had  been  using  lime,"  led,  we  road, 
to  the  arrest  I  .  -.ham  ' 

of  a  bricklayer  on  a  charge  of  bur- 
glary.      For     tho  km     can 

imagine  no  more  unpleasant  profes- 
sion than  that  of  a  smeller  of  finger- 
prints, an.l  the  thoroughness  of 
.  -  is  worthy  of 
nil  praise. 


*  * 


"  What    baoooMfl   of   the    100,000 
pictures  which  are  painted  and  i-xhi- 
bited  every  year.'  "  asks  Mr.   KONODf' 
in     The    DaSy     Mail.  ntlyj 

Married  "    writ-  -    to    us   to   complain 
that    too    many    of    them    are    given 
:.s  wedding  pn  seiits. 

A  new  pattern  of  cap  with  a  shiny 
peak  and  a  brass  rim  has  been  served 
Ujit    to   the    1st    liattalion    (ireiiadirr 
Guards.    This  headgear  has  the 
of  making  the  men  look  even   more 
beautiful   than   before,   and   they  are 
shortly  to  hold  a  meeting  to  cot 
whether  they  should  not  now   raise 
the  fee  for  walking  out  with  cooks. 

V 

In  American   religious  circles   Mr. 
ROOSEVELT  is  being  hauled  over  the 
coals  because  on  the  new  gold  coin 
which  has  just  been  issued  the  word:, 
"In     God     we     trust  "     h:. 
omitted.     For  ourselves   we   are   in- 
clined to  believe  that  the  omission  is 
not  due  so  much  to  lack  of  religious 
feeling  on -the  PRESIDENT'S  part 
his   well-known  dislike  of  the   word 

"  trust." 

*  * 

An  increasing  lack  of  respect  for 
authority  is,  we  fear,  a  sign  of  the 
times.  It  is  even  spreading  to  our 
housebreakers.  In  the  course  of  a 
recent  police-court  case  it  transpired 
that  n  burglar  who  was  found  under 
a  table  in  the  parlour  refused  to  come 
out  when  called  upon  by  the  house- 
holder to  do  to. 

V 

We  are  pleased  to  be  able  to  report 
a  signal  victory  for  the  sex  to  which 
we  have  the  honour  to  belong.  Tin- 
part  of  Robin  Hood  in  a  forthcoming 
pantomime  is  to  be  played  by  a 
(.viit  It-man,  instead  of  by  a  lady,  as 

heretofore. 

*  * 

According  to  a  correspondent  in 
I'nuntry  l.iff  many  posters  were  de- 
stroyed in  a  Lincolnshire  railway- 
station  during  the  summer  by  wasps. 
If  only  these  insects  would  take  this 
up  as  a  hobby,  and  would  exercise  a 
certain  amount  of  discretion  in  it,  we 
should  be  prepar  d  to  drop  calling 
them  pests. 

Rays  The  Daily  Chronicle  of  tho 
13th  inst. : — "An  error  crept  into 


our    account    of    the    fog    yesterday, 

when  it  was  stat.d  that  the  atmo- 
sphere at  Cat  ford  was  clear.  As  a 
matter  of  faet  tho  fog  was  heavy  in 
the  Cut  ford  district."  One  can  just 
imagine  the  iadignktioo  that  was  felt 
locally  when  it  was  insinuated  that 
the  district  was  not  in  the  fashion. 

V 

To    Hiistol    Socialists   and   Ot 

'  Clarions  '   can   now   !>• 
at  -  — ,  in  addition  to  tin-  old 
at—  — ;  also  tol.aeco  ai..l  ei. 
"Clarions,"  we  gather  from  th- 

..re  a  I. ran. I  of  explosive  cigar. 
*   * 

i    epitomised    by    a    i 
r  poster  :  — 


DEATH 

or 
CELCBKATED  Purr 

ASH 

FAMOUS 

FOOTBALL 
CAPTAIN'. 


*  * 
* 


Th.>  inmates  of  the  Fulham  Roa-1 
Workhouse  are  to  receive  a  sup| 
day-old    newspapers    from    the    \ 
minster    public    libraries.     'liny    are 
p-aid  to  be  looking  forward  to  cheeking 
the   wcatlu-r  forecasts. 


LETTERS  TO  AU'.KKY. 

Is  the  Children's  Realm,  a  | 
whose  purpose  is  to  "  teach  tin- 
higher  way  of  living  to  the  young." 
the  following  letter  is  printed,  in 
which  we  have  alt.  red  only  the  name 
nnd  address  of  the  young  h 

"I>KAR  ME.  EDITOR,  -  Sonic  of  your  n 
might    be    interested    in   a  little   boy   : 
Aubrey    Markint>  &li,    who    in   a    very   earnest 
Vegetarian. 

"He  came  to  rtay  w  ith  me  two  years  ago  fur 
a  fortnight,  but  luu  not  gone  home 

"  He  had   beeu  raftering   from   \  ery 
bilious  attack*,  whirh  mine  on  regular! 
three  weeks  or  so;    he  had   •-. 
aitaeki  alt».     lie  had  one  very  bad   :.•• 
earli  af'er  l>eiiig  with  me  about  a  week,  l.nl  f<.r 
nearly  two  yean  he  has  been  quite  fn  • 
both  romuliiints. 

"11.  I-,  \\hy  I  abstain  from  flenh    - 

all  who  live  with  me  have  to  l-e  iioii-ini-.it 
eater*,  whether  i-  > .  i;.rl,  rat.  or  di.g  and  he 
has  become  greatly  interested  in  Uie  righu  of 
animals. 

"  Hi   lias  .  lialVtigt-d  all  the  Ixiys  of  111} 
to  a  rare  for  emluranre.  anil  although  In-  i-  only 
a  slim  little  fi-'l  •» .  ile. -i.lt-.lly  1«  .ii>  all  ii>a!« 

"  HIH  I  arrnts   winli    him   to   go   holm-,  hut  do 

.tlth. 

"He  wishes  to  finish  his  <-<lurali..n  with  mo, 
v-  th.it  he  I.ITI  g. .  to  work   when  he  li-.i 
1'iiy  hi 

"  It  in  quite  hiii  own  thinking  nut  of  things. 
Mi-  !:.<t  not  U-.  M  talked  int..  it  in  any  way. 

"  1  hare  lieen   in  the  liul.it  of  eating  i 
cake,  but  for  Borne  time  Aubrey  han  refusal  it. 
and  a  fortnight  ago  intcr\ieui.l  tin'  baker  about 


NOVEMBER  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


367 


Doctor.  "Now,  IIT  BOT,  snow  IIE  TOUR  TONOUE.    THAT'S  HUT  MOCOIL    Per  rr  BIGHT  OCT." 
Small  Boy.  "I  CAN'T— 'cos  IT'S  FASTENED  AT  THE  BACK!" 


the  contents  of  his  cakes,  which  led  to  the  dis- 
covery that  pigs'  lard  was  useil.  Of  course,  I 
had  to  refuse  to  take  any  more  cakes.  The 
baker  was  at  first  greatly  put  out,  and  some 
very  heated  discussions  took  place  between 
Aubrey  and  the  baker. 

"However,  the  baker  at  last  promised  to 
make  us  a  special  batch  with  our  own  nut  suet. 
I^st  week  we  received  five  cakes,  and  the  little 
lad,  by  way  of  reward,  had  a  whole  one  for 
himself. 

"  If  any  little  boys  who  are  lovers  of,  and 
champions  of,  the  helpless  animals  around  care 
to  write  to  Aubrey,  I  shall  be  delighted,  and 
therefore  give  his  address : — 

"  Master  AUBREY  MACKINTOSH, 

"  The  Schoolhouse,  Peasend, 

"  West  Boreham,  Suffolk. 
"  I  should  like  him  to  have  some  friends  who 
are  Vegetarians,  for  he  gets  rather  a  severe 
time  among  the  boys  here. 

"  Yours  truly, 

"  E.  W." 

A  prophetic  glimpse  into  AUBREY'S 
letter-box  is  now  respectfully  oSered  : 

AUBRF.Y  SONNY, — Give  it  up.  I 
know  what  it  means.  We  had  a 
visitor  here  the  other  day  who  was  a 
vegetarian,  and  it  spoils  everything. 
He  wanted  special  cooking  and 
special  food,  and  the  cook  gave 
notice  twice  the  first  day  and  three 


times  the  next,  and  now  she  is  really 
going.  Then,  they  finish  before  any- 
one else,  and  look  round  as  if  we 
were  all  cannibals,  so  what  I  say  is, 
AUBREY,  give  it  up  while  there  is 
time. 

Your  true  Friend, 

A.  B. 
P..S.— That  nut  suet  sounds  rotten. 

DEAR  AUBREY,— I  think  you  will 
like  to  know  that  I  am  a  vegetarian 
too,  except  for  a  few  things.  I  am 
very  strict  about  it,  and  never  touch 
meat  that  I  don't  like.  That  letter 
about  you  has  encouraged  me  tre- 
mendously, and  I  have  now  added 
hash  and  mince  to  the  list  of  meat  I 
will  never  eat. 

Your  grateful  Friend, 
C.  D. 

DEAR  AUBREY, — It  is  impossible 
not  to  admire  your  courage  and  sin- 
cerity even  when  one  is  (as  I  am  as  I 
write)  full  of  roast  beef;  but  at  the 
same  time  1  am  constrained  to 
wonder  how  you  do  about  life  gene- 
rally. Boots,  for  instance — what  are 
your  boots  made  of?  Brown  paper,  I 


hope  and  pray ;  or  anything  but 
leather,  because  leather,  you  know,  is 
made  of  the  hide  of  animals  which 
were  killed  in  order  that  their  bodies 
might  be  eaten.  Thnt  's  a  little  bit 
uwkwurd,  isn't  it?  And  be  sure  you 
never  use  tallow  camllfs.  As  you 
grow  older  you  will  find  that  the  pur- 
suit of  consistency  will  tnko  yon  all 
your  time ;  but  perhaps  you  will  like 
that. 

Yours  sympathetically, 

ONE  WHO  HAS  TRIED  Too. 

DEAR  AUBREY,— I  like  to  think  of 
you  in  your  fight  with  the  baker  and 
the  boys  very  much.  We  have  lately 
become  to  some  extent  vegetarians 
too,  for  father  has  bought  a  motor- 
car, and  now  we  no  longer  sit  idly 
behind  a  poor  horse  while  it  toils  up- 
hill. 

Your  loving  little  Fnend, 

K.  L. 

DEAR  AUBREY,— The  next  time  the 
baker  goes  for  you,  hit  him  in  the 
bread-basket. 

Yours  truly, 
M.  W. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Xontina  20,  1907. 


gardening, 
humour  to 


THE  SOUL  OF  A  SNAIL. 

I  .MAY  bo  only  a  snail,  it  is  true, 
but  at  len>t  I  have  the  whip  hand 
rn  the  Jiiys  of  the 
:i  has  tilled  tlio  ground  for 
the  delectation  of  my  opecies.  I 
Bub'-let  my  premises  to  a  human 
truant  i-f  the  female  gender,  who 
•  sh»rt  skirts  and  gardening 
gloves,  fair  curls,  and  a  sun-bonnet. 
!•'. \.-ry  night  I  collect  my  rent  in 
kind,  and- every  day  I  lio  in  dr<  aniy 
repletion  in  a  drain-pipe,  my  ances- 
tral home,  and  watch  her  efforts  at 
Her  failures  are  full  of 
me.  She  always  waters 
before  rain,  dibs  out  before  frost,  and 
hasn't  the  initiative  of  a  chrysalis. 
Still -wo  have  many  tastes  in  com- 
mon, including  salad  and  straw- 
berries, and  1  up- 
p  r  ec  i  a  t  e  her 
feminine  reluct- 
ance to  take  life 
in  »tny  form. 

The  party  the 
other  side  of  the 
wall,  however,  is 
not  nearly  so 
liveable  with, 
being  a  bushy- 
browed  brute  of 
a  bachelor  who 
has  a  grand  show 
of  flowers  and 
fiuit,  a  special 
pickle  for  slugs, 
a  ruthless  thumb 
Mid  forefinger  for 
green-fly,  and  a 
sole  stained  with 
the  blood  of  a 
hundred  snails. 

Ons  morning 
at  I  lay  half 
across  the  largest 
strawberry  of  our  patch  I  heard 
my  tenant  coming  down  the  path. 
She  was  pale,  having  just  had  a 
desperate  battle  with  a  slug,  which 
had  won  by  coming  up  the  other  side 
of  her  gardening  boot  every  time. 
As  a  pick-me-up  she  stopped  to 
smell  a  blighted  rose,  and  snook  her 
head  helplessly  at  the  green-fly  that 
encased  the  stem.  But  at  the  sight 
of  the  big  strawberry  her  eyes  bright- 
ened and  her  mouth  watered,  and 
stooping  to  pick  it  she  found  me 
underneath.  The  expression  on  her 
face  alarmed  me,  and  thrice  she 
raised  her  foot,  and  finally,  her 
heart  failing,  picked  me  up  delicately 
by  the  shell.  I  bubbled  and  retired 
indoors  with  a  hiss,  and  she  promptly 
dropped  me  on  the  path  ;  then,  seized 
with  a  sudden  inspiration,  she  shov- 
elled me  up  in  a  trowel,  stood  on  tip- 
toe on  the  drain-pipe,  and  dropped 


me  over  the.  wall,  brenthing  ehnrt  and 
fast  with  emotion,     llefore  she  could 
move,  a  head  popped  up  like  a  Jack- 
in-the-box,    two    fierce    brown 
glared  into  her  blur  dies,  a  finger  and 
thumb  held  me  towards  her,  and  an 
ironical  \oii-e  remarked — 
'  Your  snail,  I  believe." 

I  thought  she  would  have  fainted, 
but  she  held  out  her  hand  like  a 
whipped  child,  and  took  me  back. 

"  I — I  beg  your  pardon,"  she  fal- 
"  I    didn't   know   you    were 
there." 

.  I  gathered." 

"  I— I  don't  like  to  kill  them  my- 
self." 

"  A/I/  difficulty  exactly.  Try 
stamping." 

"They  squelch  so." 

"  Salt  and  water." 


U: 


THE  YIKSATIUt   AND  CIUEM1XO  ACTRC8K,   Of  8OHI  OW   BE1   FIVOt'BITB   I&LM. 


"  Oh  !  that  *s  cruel;  and  they  can't 
help  liking  strawberries." 

'  So  you  wanted  them  to  try 
mine." 

"  I  thought  you  might  have  some 
way  of  getting  rid  of  them." 

"A  lethal  chamber?" 

She  shook  her  head. 

"  No,"  he  said,  "  as  a  matter  of 
fact  you  wanted  me  to  murder  tho 
innocent,  instead  of  you.  However, 
I  am  as  soft-hearted  as  yourself.  Good 
morning." 

I  returned  to  my  drain-pipe  at  re- 
cord speed,  and  I  cracked  my  shell 
with  laughing  as  I  saw  her  hurry 
back  to  the  house  with  her  eyes  full 
of  tears.  Next  morning,  however,  he 
looked  over  again. 


"  Those  lettuces  won't  grow," 
announced;  "they're  too  close 

'•r." 
She  looked  up  with  a  blush. 


he 
to- 


"<>h,   won't  they?"  she  said  de- 

ilv.     "  Thank  you  very  much." 

In  die  afternoon  he  resumed  the 

.-in. 

"  What  's  been  at  your  spinach?  " 
he  snid. 

"  I  don't  know,"  she  replied.  "  I 
think  it  's  the  east  wind." 

I  chuckled,  and  he  gave  a  wry 
smile,  and  next  morning  there  was  a 
brick  taken  out  of  tho  wall  and  a 
notice  written  above  it — 

"  SNAILS  MAY  UK  SHOT  HFRB." 
My   tenant  smiled   when   she  law 
it,    but   said   nothing,    and    went  on 
digging. 

1  Well,  aren't  you  going  to?  "  laid 
a  masterful  voice. 

"No,"  she  replied.  "I  haven't 
got  a  pun.  1  might  shoot  you 

by  mistake." 

1  le  lunched  out- 
right, but  he 
ed  sorry  all 
the  siniie.  Ho 
hnd,  said  rumour, 
n  d  i  s  a  p- 
pointed  with  life, 
and  retired  to  his 
garden  to  take  it 
cut  of  the  slugs 
and  snails,  and  I 
expect  his  supply 
was  getting  low. 
Next  day  a 
basket  of  straw- 
be  r  r  i  e  s  found 
its  way  o  v  <  r 
the  wall  and, 
after  that,  fre- 
quent conversa- 
t  i  o  n  s  follov 
first  on  vegeta- 
bles, then  on 
flowers,  and 
after  that  on 
subjects  that 
One  night,  how- 
the  loan  of  my 


didn't  interest  me. 
ever,  he  asked  for 
person. 

"  But  I  don't  want  him  killed 
now,"  she  said.  "  1  'in  fund  of  him ; 
and  ho  's  a  very  nice-looking  snail;  " 
— in  fact,  I  may  here  mention  that 
for  length  of  horn,  glossiness  of  shell, 
and  sinuosity  of  figure  I  have  no 

"  I  don't  want  to  kill  him,"  he 
said;  "  I  've  a  tendi-r  feeling  towards 
him  myself;  besides,  I  'm  lonely,  and 
I  want  something  to  pet  and  take 
care  of." 

When  my  tenant  stooped  down  to 
take  me  from  the  drain-pipe  her 
checks  were  as  red  as  tho  sunset,  and 
in  another  momont  I  had  changed 
hands.  All  my  past  rose  up  before 
mo  as  I  felt  tho  thrill  of  his  fingers. 
The  fact  that  I  was  champion  seed- 
ling enter  of  my  year  availed  little, 


NOVEMBER  20,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


3G9 


for  next  instant  I  fully  expected  t< 
be  spread  on  the  gravel  beneath  hi 
treacherous  heel.  Instead,  however 
I  found  myself  tenderly  deposited  on 
a  patch  of  juicy  tops,  and  from  tha 
day  forward  I  lived  like  a  lord. 

But  my  dream  of  succulence  wai 
of  short  duration,  for  one  evening 
after  a  murmured  conversation  which 
had  lasted  for  hours,  I  heard  him  say 
in  a  tone  of  triumph — 

"  And  I  '11  have  his  shell  set  with 
gold,  and  stuffed,  and  wear  it  for  a  ti 
pin  ut  the  ceremony." 

"  Will  you,  though  !  "  said  I.    "  I 
is  excellently  well  stuffed  as  it  is,  '. 
thank     you !         and     that     nif;ht 
climbed  three  sheds  and  five  fences 
and  am  at  the  present  time  employee 
in  founding  a  new  dynasty  at  No.  11 
where  the  cauliflowers  are  captivatin;, 
and  the  seakale  quite  good. 


DIRGE. 

(Lines  trriffcn,  in  a  fit  of  orate  depression, 
upon  a  papular  waltz.) 

I   TOO   have    known    the    ball-room' 

gay  romance ; 

Upon  the  more  or  less  fantastic  toe 
too    have    circled    in    the    dreamy 

dance, 

Have   let   myself,    in   homely   lan- 
guage, go; 

too  did  welcome  as  a  novel  thing 
Ttat    sliain    which    now    Humanity 

must   sing, 
Must    whistle,    hum,    or    otherwise 

repeat 

("  Did   welcome,"   mark,    but  never 
called  it  "  sweet  "). 

The  widow,"  yes.    When  with  that 

tune  she  racked 
His    ears   and   killed   their   domes- 
ticity, 

A  widow  by  her  husband's  frenzied 

act 

She   must   have    been,    or   else 
widower   he.  .  . 

Ye  gods  t     Next-door  with  measured 
beat  and  stout 

The    maudlin    thing    is    being    ham- 
mered out.  .  . 

"Widow,"   I  grant.     "Widow,"  of 
course,  and  very 

Much  of  a  widow.     But  why,  oh  why 
"  The  merry  "? 


Theatrical  Note. 

After  The  Barrier,  by  Mr.  SUTRO, 
las  run  its  course  at  the  Comedy, 
t  will  be  succeeded  by  The  Sutroer, 
by  Mr.  BARRIE. 

Musical  Tragedy. 

"  Rooms  are  provided  on  the  fifth 
3oor  for  instruction  in  operatic  sur- 
;ery." — The  London  Graduate. 


Teacher  (after  explaining  the  diameter  of  tht  Pharitet).  "Aw>  sow,  WHAT  DO  wi  MEAV  BI 

A  'HYPOCRITE'?" 

Pupil.  "  PLEAS*,  Miss,  A  MAN  WOT  BATS  HE  is  WOT  BE  ISH'T,  BIT  BE  AIK'T!" 


"Statistics  compiled  by  a  New  York  hair- 
dressers' society  show  that  50  per  cent,  of  the 
idult  male  population  of  America  wear  beards, 
to  per  cent,  wear  moustaches  and  20  per  cent, 
are  clean-shaven," — Daily  Express. 

Once  more  America  has  gone  one 
letter  than  any  other  country,  for 
ho  arithmetic  of  The  Express  is  by 
his  time  above  suspicion. 

From  an  advt.  of  the  V  Car  in  The 
Daily  Clironicle : 

"  Specially  designed  to  take  elaborate  bodies, 
.ook  at  the  side  entrance." 

A  special  "  side  "  entrance  would 
)e  just  the  thing  for  some  of  our 
own  councils. 


Bright  Bit*  from  Birmingham. 
DURING  his  speech  Mr.  BALFOUR 
had  on  a  collar,  and  it  was  noticed 
with  interest  that  this  was* worn  in 
accordance  with  current  fashion, 
round  his  neck. 


Enterprise. 

Milk  Business  Wanted  (without  cows) ; 
oung  man  giving  up  the  sea  would  like  to 
mrcliase  a  genuine  one." — Lancashire  Daily 
rest. 

A  pity  to  give  up  the  sea  if  he  has 
,o  cows.  He  will  need  something  of 
be  kind  to  mix  with  the  chalk. 


The  hall  in  which  Mr.  BAI.FOUR 
spoke  is  capable  of  holding  5,000 
people,  and  it  is  calculated  that  if  it 
was  only  twice  as  big  it  would  prob- 
ably hold  10,000. 


It  would  surprise  many  people — 
even  those,  indeed,  who  are  most 
familiar  with  political  life — to  learn 
that  nearly  all  the  Conservative 
agents  at  Birmingham  this  week 
were  retired  Moujik  dentists. 


The  letter  from  the  Conservative 
leader,  read  at  the  afternoon  meet- 
ing, was  written  on  a  sheet  of  note- 
paper.  Those  who  saw  the  commu- 
nication believe  that  ink  was  used. 


370 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[X.-VKIIBEH   20,    1907. 


Charita'ltfaitpnfeaSpinnttr.   "AH,  HACOnTT,   KAronTT !      MUSTN'T   BARK   I  IKE  THAT!" 

I'nJetercing  Objert.  "  VOCB  ooo  EviDEXTLY  Ain't  rsEo  TO  'AVISO  GEXTI  EJIEN  ABOIT  THE  'OCSE,  LADY  ! " 


PARENTAL   PEDAGOGY. 

["  Many  fallxTs  and  mother*  are  furbishing 
up  their  Mudir*  in  order  that  they  may  !.«•';• 
their  ch.Wrea  in  their  home-work."-  -Daily 
Mirror.] 

NOT  for  me  The  Times  or  Standard, 

Not   for  me   with    practised    art 
To  extract  the  newsy  kernel 
1'rnni  the  journal 

Of  my  In-art. 
Weeks  have  passed  since  I  meandered 

Through  The  D.T.'s  classic  vale; 
Energy-absorbing  duties 
Bar  the  beauties 

Of  The  Mail. 

Precious  now  is  every  minute 

I  can  snatch  from  office  cares; 
More  than  golden  may  be  reckoned 
cry  second 

Mammon  spares. 
When  the  foggy  dawn  comes  in,  it 

Finds  me  conning  4,  7,  ro; 
Evening,  thick  as  soup  and  yellow, 
P.rings  De  Bella 
Gallico. 


Whilst  upon  my  strap  I  dangle, 

Every  morning,  as  I  sway, 
Diligently  do  I  hammer 
At  my  grammar 

On  the  way. 
All  the  old  forgotten  jangle 

I  am  learning  up  once  more ; 
Soon  I  '11  say  my  orbit,  cnsis. 
Lapis,  mentis, 

As  of  yore. 

At  the  hour  when  folk  are  lunching, 

Me,  a  bent  old  man,  you  '11  see 
Mid  an  A. B.C.  aroma 
Grinding  aiyw, 

oXc,  ywwj. 

There  again  you  'II  find  me  munching 
Buttered    toast    when    five    draws 

near, 

With  the  aid  of  helpful  baccy 
Learning  ?£&, 
<rvt  and  &ip. 

Thus  with  weary  toil  I  'm  creeping 

Xi«-wards  with  many  tears, 
While  unending  «J«,  o*J« 
Worry  my  de- 

dining  yi-ars. 


•:iy  7c:il  must  be  unsleeping, 
Else  will  dnwn  n  day  to  • 

Arr.rsTfs  lirin.  .oses 

Which  he  known  his 
Dad  can't  do. 


A  Pretty  Compliment. 
"Lord  Deaboroii.  :nev!ii'lil: 

given,  liy  way  of  compliment  to  llic  chairman 
of  the  Thai 

screw  aand   pmii|  r. !^-,T  win 

•  •n   built  al    1'iTl  1 11. !••„". -A   f  r  u^'  un  tin- 
Thame«."--/Mi7y  Trlfj 

This  is  just  one  of  tli<>si-  d> •'. 
court. -sies    that    go    to    s\\.,-t.-n    the 
rough  labours  of  public  life. 


Over-Drosaed. 

"Miss  Irene  Vanbmgh  wear§  (wo  dresses 
and  a  dressing-Krwn  Uironglintit  the  thrre  arts 
i'f  •  The  Tliiof,'  a  modest  enough  allonanre 
for  a  lady  who  confesaea  to  her  rerklea* 
expenditure  on  frocks."-  Daily  Telejraph. 

Even    though    the    weather    may 

liavo  turned  colder  recently,  we  tlnnk 
•  tiikt-  otf  the  dress- 
ing gown  f(jr  a  part  of  the  time. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-NovEMBEi  20,  1907. 


A  SIGNAL  INDISCRETION. 

MRS.  BRITANNIA.   "NOW    THEN,  CHARLES,   MY   BOY,  IF   YOU   HOST   BOX   PERCY'S   EARS,  YOU 
MIGHT  WAIT  TILL  MY  VISITOR'S  GONE." 


NOVEMBER  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


373 


WINSTON  DAY  BY  DAY. 

Nov.  11. — Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL 
,o-day  visited  Mount  Moru,  where  he 
iad  an  appointment  with  the  friendly 
vulture  whoso  assistance  was  so 
iimely  some  years  ago  in  connection 
with  the  lit.  Hon.  gentleman's 
scape  from  captivity.  The  Colonial 
Under-Secretary  and  the  bird  were 
loseted  together  in  a  cranny  among 
the  rocks  for  some  time.  No  lions 
were  bagged. 

Nov.  12. — Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL 
to-day  visited  Port  Elgin,  when  he 
had  an  interview  with  the  chiefs  pf 
the  Salibi,  who  were  accompanied  by 
4,000  Hookiwalka.  Mr.  CHURCHILL 
expressed  his  pleasure  at  seeing 
them,  and  trusted  they  were  all 
Liberals  and  Free  Traders.  Before 
returning  to  Georobi  he  promised 
them  the  earth.  Much  to  Mr. 
CHURCHILL'S  disappointment  no  lions 
have  been  bagged. 

Nov.  13. — Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL, 
speaking  at  a  lunch  held  to-day  in  his 
honour  at  Georobi,  said  that  Africa 
doubtless  was  not  England,  but  that 
kindred  questions  prevailed.  (Hear, 
hear.)  He  had  never  before  ad- 
dressed so  intelligent  and  enthusiastic 
a  gathering.  He  had  every  confi 
denoe  in  the  future  of  Africa :  no 
thing  would  prevent  it  going  on. 
After  lunch  the  whole  party  went  out 
lion  shooting,  but  no  lions  were 
bagged. 

Nov.  14. — Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL 
to-day     received     a     deputation     oi 
10,000    Intrudi,    the    most    pushing 
tribe  iu  East   Africa.     Referring  to 
their  present  of  fatted  missionary  the 
Bt.  Hon.  gentleman  said  that  his  re 
ligion  forbade  him  to  accept  it,  bul 
he  appreciated  the  spirit  in  which  the 
offer  was  made.  At  the  word  ' '  spirit ' 
the  Intrudi  broke  out  into  yells  of  de 
light,  in  the  midst  of  which  the  mis 
sionary  escaped  and  took  refuge  with 
Father  BANTING,  the  Roman  Catholic 
priest  who  accompanied  the  expedi 
tion.     According  to  latest  advices  no 
lions  have  been  bagged. 

Nov.  15. — Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL 
received  in  audience  to-day  TWYSTA 
the  chief  of  the  Pozas,  a  very  intelli 
gent  tribe.     In  the  course  of  the  con 
versation  TWYSTA  asked  the  Rt.  Hon 
gentleman  a  number  of  difficult  ques 
tions,    which    he    only    contrived    t< 
answer  with  the  assistance  of  termino 
logical  latitude.       Among  the  chief 
queries  were  these :   What  is  the  diJ 
ference  between  a  little  pigmy  and 
whole  hogger?     Who  rules  England 
in    your    absenqp?      When    do   you 
moan  to  give  Lord  ELGIN  an  old-age 


r, 


First  Farmer.  "  AND  war  DO  'EE  GIVE  TUB  PIGS  ?  " 

Second  F.  "  OH,  I  GIES  'EK  PLENTY  o'  BTRAW." 

Firtt  F.  "  An,  Bti  'ow  DO  'EE  ooo  OK  WHEN  rr  '•  A  BAD  TCAB  FOB  BTBAW  ? 

Second  F.  "  WELL,  WHEN  IT  '»  i  BAD  TEAB  FOB  STBAW,  AND  THEBS  AIN'T  «nc«  ITBAW  ABOCT, 

WELL,  THERE  TE   BE  !  "    ' 

First  F.  "  AT,  THAT  'B  BIOHT  ENOCOB." 

Second  F.  "BuT  WHEN  IT'S  A  OOOD  TEAB  ros  STBAW,  ASD  raEBt'i  PLEKT  't 

WELL,  THESE  TE   BE  AGES  !  " 

First  F.  "  AT,  THAT  'a  BIGHT  IKOI-GH,  THAT  is ! " ^^^^ 


pension?"  No  lions  were,  we  grieve 
to  say,  bagged. 

Nov.  16.— Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL 
to-day  paid  a  surprise  visit  to  Birmi 
'Ngamo,  the  chief  town  of  the  Rorin- 
tori  tribe,  and  presented  photographs 
of  himself  to  the  leading  chiefs. 
Open-air  meetings  having  been 
broken  up  by  a  raid  of  Amazons 
mounted  on  okapis,  Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL  escaped  into  the  bush, 
was  wounded  by  a  Leo  Maxim,  and 
nearly  absorbed  by  a  lion.  Eventually 
ho  took  refuge  with  a  friendly  gorilla. 
No  lions  were  bagged. 

Nov.  17.— Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL, 
escorted  by  a  bevy  of  gorillas,  arrived 
to-day  at  Tutilu,  to  the  consternation 
of  the  inhabitants.  Great  lion  drive?  in 
which  the  last  ten  in  Central  Africa 
broke  through  the  cordon  and  made 
their  way  to  the  Mountains  of  the 
Moon.  Hence,  once  agoin,  none  were 
bagged. 


Another  Injustice  to  the  Howe. 
"  And,  finally,  came  the  new  Lord 
Mayor,  Sir  John  Boll,  in  the  huge 
State  coach,  drawn  by  the  huge 
coachman.  And,  of  the  two,  as  ia 
usually  the  case  in  these  occasions, 
the  coachman  looked  the  happier 
man."—  Wettminster  Gazette. 


The  Journalistic  Touch. 

I. 

"  This  made  the  rapid  nm  of  the  I 
vneht  all  the  more  remarkable,  for  «he  had  to 
pick  her  way  carefully  along  Soutluea  Beach 
which  was  black  with  spectator!." 

iYrnrnj  bev*. 

II. 

"A  car  was  proceeding  from  Aldwyeh  Theatr* 
to  Mr.  Hicks's  residence  at  Merstham,  «h"ii  i 
collided  violently  with  a  lamppost,  and  melted 
a  bad  gash  on  the  forehead." 

Tlte  Northern  \\  h>y. 

This  and  a  slight  pain  in  the  car 
burettor  were  the  only  injurieg. 


374 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  20,  1907. 


BANG! 

(THE  LEGEND  OK  A  MOTOR-CAR.) 
THE  Car!  The  Car!  We  w  g  fast, 

As  fast  as  the  law  permits  a  • 
The  milestones  met   us  and  glittered   | 

And  we  drove  her  fair  and  we  drove  her  far, 
The  wonderful  '2*  h.p.. 
Which  was  specially  built,  I  may  add,  for  mo. 

The  air  blew  fresh  and  the  air  blew  keen, 
And  the  fie  Id-  .         h  <.f  k-r.  ,-n  ; 

•lie  urchins  cl red.  and  the  bright  sun  shone, 

And  the  car  went  joyously  bowling  on 

To  the  tune  of  the  delicate  rhythmic  purr 

Of  the  beautiful  engine  driving  her. 

"  Oh,  this  is  the  way,"  I  remarked,  "  to  go  "; 

And  the  man  who  was  with  me  said,  "  Just  so." 

I  thought  of  my  home,  and  with  some  relief 

I  thought  of  the  succulent  joint  of  I 

The  brown  potatoes,  the  Brussels-sprouts, 

The  apple-tart,  and  the  joyous  shouts 

Of  the  children  waiting  at  home  to  greet 

The  arrival  of  me  in  my  motor  t' 

And  the  road  spun  back  as  we  rolled  along 

With  our  hearts  in  time  to  the  engine's  song. 

But  just  as  the  car  went  faster  still, 
As  we  neared  the  foot  of  a  soaring  hill 

In  the  car,  the  wonderful  car; 
While  everything  seemed  as  right  as  rain, 
And  she  pulled  as  hard  as  a  North-bound  train, 
The  car  that  had  travelled  far — 

BANG  ! 

A  sudden  explosion  rent  the  air, 
And  the  man  who  was  with  me  said,  "  Take  care." 

OH,  HANG  1 

And,  spiting  our  hopes  and  our  lunch-desire, 
We  stopped,  for  the  car  had  burst  a  tire. 

We  both  got  down,  and  we  didn't  shirk, 

But  we  jacked  her  up  and  we  set  to  work. 

And  the  loafers  gathered,  as  loafers  do, 

While  I  looked  blue  and  my  man  looked  blue, 

And  they  passed  remarks  which  were  trite  and  true, 

And  everyone  did  his  little  bit 

To  case  our  toil  with  a  play  of  wit. 

Then  a  fellow  came  by  who  drove  a  pig. 

And  "  Blow  me  tight,"  he  observed,  "  I  'II  rig 

The  pig  to  the  car,  and  you  '11  both  get  there, 

Yourselves  and  the  pig,  with  time  to  spare." 

And  next  a  man  witn  a  snorting  cow 

Turned  up,  and  he  said,  "  If  you  '11  allow, 

I  'II  hitch  the  beast  to  the  car :  she  'II  pull 

As  if  she  was  chased  by  a  blooming  bull 

Whenever  you  blow  your  horn." 
They  were  tattered  and  dirty  and  most  unkempt, 
So  we  went  on  working  in  calm  contempt, 

And  withered  the  men  with  scorn. 

But  at  last  we  had  the  recompense  for  all  our  sweat  and 

care 
When  we  got  the  back-rim  fitted,  duly  fitted,  with  the 

spare, 
And  we  mounted,  and  we  started,  and  away  we  swiftly 

flew, 

In  a  cloud  of  lubrication  leaving  all  the  loafer  crew, 
When  "  HANG!  "    ' 
OH, 


With  a  sound  of  4'7,  when  they  load  it  and  they  fire, 
We  had  doubled  our  misfortune  and  had  burst  another 

tiro. 

And,  just  as  wo  stopped,  it  began  to  rain, 
So  I  left  the  car  and  went  Ix.mo  by  train. 

And  I  think  in  dreams  of  a  country  where  nothing  ever 
goes  wrong, 

Where  you  never  stop 
At  a  motor  shop, 

Hut  always  hurry  along; 
When-  In't  repair, 

( >r  fit  a  spare, 

Hut  tlie  fast,  r  you  make  her  go 
The  better  in  trim  you  k'^ep  your  car. 
Though  you  travel  free  like  n  headlong  star 

For  a  million  of  miles  or  BO. 

R.  C.   L. 

THE   SHOKTNKSS   OK    MONEY. 

THE   \<ifi'oii<il   licvitir   is   the   first    ; 
niao  openly  the  financial  stringency.      Copies  of  tl 
issue  will  have  printed  on  them  in  bold  type  "  1 
twelve  (ierinan   Sausages." 

Great  consternation  was  occasioned  at   the   Ki; 
tcrday    afternoon    by   one   of    t!  n    falling    in    a 

swoon.     UndeV    careful    treatment    he    s««on 
and  explained  that  a  famous  African   millionaire,    who 
had  lunched  at  the  hotel,   had  1   him   with   a 

current  copper  coin  of  the  realm.  Two  commissionaire!! 
escorted  the  fortunate  waiter  to  the  Chancery  Lane 
Safe  Deposit. 

The  bold  Governmental  measure  of  seizing  all  the 
coppers  in  the  railway  station  automatic  machines  1ms 
done  much  to  restore  public  confidence.  Loaded  pan- 
technicons' were  instantly  sent  off  to  each  Cabinet 
Minister's  residence  with  his  salary  for  the  j 
quarter. 

The  enterprise  of  the  Covent  Garden  Management  in 
offering  to  accept  goods  instead  of  eiish  has  been  amply 
rewarded.  Occupants  of  boxes  in  the  grand  tiir  were 
charged  one  tiara  per  box.  Humbler  lovers  of  music, 
desiring  seats  in  the  gallery,  readily  responded  to  the 
managerial  request  to  leave  their  boots  at  the  pay-box. 

Mr.  BALFOUR  is  facing  the  new-  condition  of  things 
with  philosophic  equanimity.  He  tendered  his  work. 
"A  Defence  of  Philosophic  Doubt,"  in  pa\im-nt  of  Ins 
fare  on  the  Twopenny  Tube,  and,  on  receiving  as  Ins 
change  two  apples  and  an  onion,  remarked  to  the 
booking-clerk,  "  We  must  take  these  things  as  they 
come."  

Overheard  on  Clapham  Common. 

Socialist  Oratcr:  "  The  sum,'  false  charges  are  brought 
against  us  that  were  brought  against  tin-  pioneers  of  Co- 
operation. Word  for  word,  tl  false  elinrgos. 
Those  who  brill;:  them  the  capitalists  and  the  penny-a- 
liners — are  like  the  Bourbon  Kings:  they  forget  nothing 
and  they  remember  n 


Commercial  Candour. 

[Frvm  an  <>sfur<!  Xlrfrt  tlutp.] 

uiir.riiATics  MADK  KASV. 

TKT   -  •-•'•   WOOLUW   UXDERVCAR. 

THERE  have  recently  been  three  KingR  and  five  Queens 
at  Windsor.  Problem:  Would  this  justify  a  Nn  Trump 
declaration? 


NOVEMBER  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


375 


•FLATTENED     PEDESTRIANS 

RE-INFLATED    HERE  :' 

•ORIGINAL    -SH/^Pt   GIMR*HT££.D 


A  SERIOUS  OMISSION  FROM  THE  MOTOR  SHOW  AT  OLYMPIA.     THE  PEDESTRIANS'  RESTORATION  DEPARTMENT. 

They  might  at  least  devise  some  pneumatic  arrangement  for  restoring  us,  more  or  less,  to  our  original  shape  after  they  bare  rolled  us  out 

flat  on  the  King's  highway. 


Why  the  Kaiser  Came. 

IT  is,  of  course,  a  well-known  fact 
that  the  GERMAN  EMPEROR  has  always 
a  reason  for  the  things  he  does. 

It  is  believed  among  many  in  th2 
Navy  that  he  came  to  see  our  paint. 
Another  view  is  that  he  came  to  wiU 
cess  our  gunnery. 

In  literary  circles  it  is  thought  that 
the  near  approach  of  the  year  1910, 
when  the  great  German  invasion  is 
to  take  place,  has  something  to  do 
with  the  visit.  Mr.  WILLIAM  LE 
QUEUX  has  been  in  close  consultation 
with  the  authorities,  who  have  en- 
trusted to  him  the  work  of  seeing 
that  the  EMPEROR  shall  not  learn  too 
much  of  our  defences.  Observant 
spectators  who  lined  the  EMPEROR'S 
route  to  the  City  last  week  probably 
noticed  that  the  soldiers  were  placed 
farther  apart  than  usual.  This  was 
a  ruse  to  give  the  idea  of  a  scarcity 
of  men.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  there 
were  hundreds  of  soldiers  in  other 
parts  of  the  country,  of  whom  the 
EMPEROR  knew  nothing. 

The  PRINCE  OP  ASTURIAS,  while 
reluctant  to  express  an  opinion  as  to 
the  reason  for  the  KAISER'S  coming, 
has  been  heard  to  say  emphatically 


that    it    was    not    in    order    to    see 
PRINCE  OLAF. 

PRINCE   OLAF,    exhibiting   no   such 
reluctance,  knows  very  well  that  it 


was. 


The  Fight  for  the  Ashes. 
WE  offer  no  apology  for  referring  to 
the  Limerick  competition  of  the 
Volksrnst  and  District  Recorder,  see- 
ing that  it  is  but  another  link  which 
binds  the  distant  parts  of  the 
Empire  to  the  Motherland.  The 
first  four  lines  were  : 

"  '  When  the  moon  shines  bright  in  Summer,' 
Sang  a  Volksrust  Town  newcomer. 
'  He's  a  q mint  old  bird,' 
His  hearers  declared " 

We  do  not  quite  catch  the  motif, 
but  we  have  nothing  but  admiration 
for  one  of  the  winning  lines  : 

"  Wns  it  for  this  he  'd  to  quit  his  last  place, 
I  wonder  ?  " 

Once  more  the  Old  Country  would 
seem  to  have  met  its  match.  Eng- 
land looks  to  you,  Swanage! 

Our  Coast  Defences. 
"  WANTED  for  Sussex  Coast,  a  tall, 
strong,  reliable  Young  Woman,  aged 
25  to  30."— Morning  Post. 


Air*  and  Graces. 

No  one,  we  think,  can  have  failed 
to  notice  the  striking  success  of  the 
band  in  quelling  the  noise  of  the 
female  disturbers  at  Mr.  BIRHKI.I.'S 
Southampton  meeting.  The  method 
is  worthy  of  all  encouragement,  and, 
as  a  step  in  this  direction,  we  beg  to 
offer  the  following  scheme  of  inci- 
dental music. 

At  the  first  female  outbreak  :  — 

Strings  and  reeds  only  (soothingly). 
Sigh  no  more,  ladie^l 

As  the  noise  increases  and  the 
ejecting-stewards  advance:  — 

Solo  cornet  (persuasively) — Come 
into  the  Garden,  Maud,  or  Turn 
again,  Thou  Fair  Eliza. 

Quickstep  during  the  transporta- 
tion of  MAUD  and  ELIZA  to  the  street 
— Where  are  you  going  to,  my  pretty 
maid  > 

When  all  the  disturbers  have  been 
ejected :  — 

Baritone  solo  (the  Chairman) — Qet 
up  and  bar  the  door. 

Finale :  — 

Chorus  of  husbands  (heard  off) — 
Have — you — seen  (have — you — teen) 
my  Flora  pass  this  way  t 


376 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


20,   1907. 


JAMES  SMIJTH'S  1'KESENT. 

-  name,  as  you  see,  was  SMIJTII 
— JAMKS  SMIJTII  ;  from  which  it  may 
reasonably  bo  inferred  that,  at  an 
early  period  of  our  rough  island  story, 
hia  ancestors  kept  a  sniijthv:  «.r  [-.  r 
haps  the  smijthy  1  I  really 

d.-n't  know.  What  I  do  know  is  that 
this  story  has  a  moral.  So  many 
stories  nowadays  have  no  moral,  and 
no  morals.  That  is  all  wrong.  I  am 
cunviiuvd  that  this  story  of  JAMBS 
SMIJTII  has  a  moral. 

JAMES  lived — lodged — no,  lived — 
well,  lodged  and  lived  in  a  house 
called  Etheldene.  \Vhy 
was  it  called  Etheldene? 
That,  again,  I  don't  know. 
Why  should  a  ten-roomed 
house,  with  bath  h.  & 
c.,  and  a  tennis-lawn  and 
bicycle  -  shed,  be  called 
Etheldene? 

\\V11,  JAMES  occupied 
two  rooms — nice  rooms — 
at  Etheldene,  and  went 
up  to  the  City  every  day, 
wnere  he  wore  cuff-pro- 
tectors from  ten  till  five, 
excepting  during  an  in- 
terval of  two  hours 
devoted  to  lunch  and 
dominoes;  and  the  odd 
thing  about  it  is  that  some- 
body paid  him  quite  a 
comfortable  salary  for 
doing  this. 

So  JAMES  SMIJTH  was 
very  passably  contented. 
It  was  an  old  friend  of  his 
father's  who  gave  him  the 
clock.  Oh  1  didn't  you 
know  this  story  was  all 
about  a  clock?  It  was  a 
French  clock,  and  very, 
very  old  and  curious.  It 
had  no  pendulum,  in  the 
ordinary  sense  of  the  word, 
but  a  thing  that  went 
round.  Now  I  'm  afraid 
I  haven't  made  myself 
quite  clear;  I  really  don't  see  how  I 
can  put  it  more  plainly,  though,  and 
you  wouldn't  understand  me  if  I 
tried.  There  was  a  thing  that  \\vnt 
round,  and  that  kept  the  clock 
going.  But  JAMES  had  to  wind  the 
clock  every  twenty-four  hours  or  it 
would  stop. 

He  stood  it  on  the  mantelpiece  in 
his  sitting-room,  on  a  site  occupied  up 
till  then  by  a  stuffed  parrot  belonging 
to  his  landlady,  and 

On  the  first  night  he  wound  it  up 
at  eleven  p.m. 

On  the  second,  ditto. 

On  the  third,  ditto. 

But  on  tho  third  night,  at  12  P.M., 
he  sprang  suddenly  out  of  a  deck- 


chair  in    H\di>    Turk,    win' 

shelling  •  If  in 

and   said   in   the   darkness,    "  1 
believe    I    have    wound     the 
clock." 

Now   he   knew   that   if   a  clock   is 

allowed    to    run    down    or    become 

!ur  in  its  habits,  it  is  soon  fit  f»r 

IK  .tiling   but    a   chun-h-ba/aar   raffle. 

-  SMIJTII  vy  methodical 

and  conscientious,  and  duty  always 
stood  first  with  him. 

So  he  got  out  of  bed    and 

tairs  in  the  dark.  It  was  not 
his  house,  as  has  been  indicated:  s<> 
he  disturbed  his  landlady,  and  a  lady 


Mr.  Carper  (a  trifle  ihorl-flyliteJ).  "  DON'T  TOO  SEE  now  RIDICULOUS 

THESE    GREAT    BITS     BECOME    VOW    TIUT    THE!    ARE    TV1XURI8ED    BT    THE 
LOWER   CLIMES?" 


lodger  with  a  weak  heart,  who  both 
heard  the  stairs  creak,  and  kept 
awake  all  the  remainder  of  that  night 
in  a  cold  agony  of  apprehension. 

As  for  JAMES,  he  hurt  one  of  hia 
toes  very  badly  against  the  dining- 
room  fender,  and  then  remembered 
that  he  had  wound  the  clock  after  all. 

So  he  went  back  to  bed  again,  and 
heard  the  clock  strike  one,  and  two, 
before  he  was  able  to  embark  on  a 
pirate  junk,  and  escape  from  the  vol- 
cano in  Cornhill.  Oh  I  how  dull  you 
are  I  I  mean  that  JAMES  SMIJTH,  like 
most  of  us,  had  dreams — strange,  in- 
consequent dreams. 

N.  \t  morning  his  landlady  told  him 
all  about  the  burglars,  and  he  told  her 


about  his  amusing  mistake  with  re- 
gard to  the  clock.  Of  course  she  did 
not  reproach  him.  Would  any  hind- 
lady  reproach  a  well-conducted*  lodger 
who  had  been  with  her  for  four  yearn'.' 
Hut  JAMES  understood,  and  he  had  a 
kindly  nature  ;  ho  resolved  to  wind  his 
clock  henceforth  in  the  morning — at 
8.30  A.M.  on  week-days,  and  9  on 
Sundays. 

Every  week-day  morning,  then, 
before  putting  on  hi«  boots,  he  wound 
tho  clock  and  hid  the  key  under  it. 
But  on  the  thirteenth  morning,  when 
on  the  way  to  the  station,  he  remem- 
bered that  he  had  forgotten  to  wind 
it.  There  was  still  time  to 
get  home  and  do  it,  and 
return  and  catch  the  tra'n 
— or  there  would  have  : 

.  if  an  old  lady  had  not 
got  into  the  return  bus 
under  the  impression  that 
it  was  going  to  Tooting 
Rise.  Of  course  it 
going  to  Wulham  (Jreni. 
It  was  labelled  \Valham 
•i.  She  ought  to  have 
known  it  was  going  to 
\Valham  Green.  But  it 
took  the  conductor  a 
minute  to  convince  her  of 
this,  and  that  delayed 
JAMES  SMIJTH,  and  he  was 
twenty  minutes  late  at  the 
office. 

It  didn't  matter  in  the 
least.  '1  he  Bank  Kate  re- 
mained unchanged ;  but 
JAMES  was  ruffled  and  un- 
comfortable all  day. 

Then  there  was  that 
Sunday  morning,  when  he 
suddenly  turned  hot  all 
over  during  the  first  hymn, 
and  kept  asking  hims.  If 
wh.-ther  the  clock  would 
hold  on  until  he  got  home. 
JAMES  SMIJTH  had  always 
had  a  very  poor  opinion  of 
people  who  go  out  before 
the  sermon.  But  he  w-i,t 
out  before  the  sermon.  He  went 
home  and  wound  his  clock,  and  in  the 
afternoon  some  very  objectionable 
neighbours  called,  most  officiously, 
to  ask  if  he  was  any  better. 

And  now  we  come  to  Bank  Holiday 
— August  Bank  Holiday.  .1 
SMIJTH  liked  to  stay  at  home  on  Bank 
Holidays,  and  pull  down  the  blinds. 
So  do  I.  So  do  all  refined  people. 
But  he  had  promised  to  go  up  the 
river  with  the  JAWKISSES— including 
I.M-iiA  JAWKIXS.  Ah ! 

Even  then  I  don't  believe  he  would 

have    accepted    the    invitation    if    he 

hadn't  heard  that  I'AKKKK  was  going 

<  ii.'.ur.i:    I'AHKKU.      JAMKS    SMIJTH 

felt   that  he  had  a  rival  in  GEORGE 


NOVEMBER  20,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


377 


Traveller  (after  vailing  patiently  for  train  for  four  hours).  "  SHE  'LL  NO  BE  COVIN'  THE  DAT,  I  DOOT  ?  " 
Porter,  "lloots,  MON,  HAE  TE  NO  PATIENCE?    YE'LL  JUST  BIDE  A  WEE  WUILIE,  AM'  SHE'LL  BE  BY!" 


PARKER.  (You  see  this  story  is  going 
to  be  more  exciting  than  you  had  sup- 
posed.) 

JAMES  SMIJTII  looked  nice  in 
flannels.  As  he  set  out  for  Clapham 
Junction,  where  he  was  to  meet  the 
JAWKINSES,  he  looked  every  in'ch  a 
dean-limbed,  athleti*  young  English- 
man. That  was  quite  as  well,  be- 
cause, when  ho  reached  the  oil-shop 
at  the  corner,  ho  remembered  some- 
thing, and  had  to  sprint  home  again. 
He  had  forgotten,  in  his  pre-occupa- 
tion  about  his  soft  flannel  collar  that 
made  him  look  like  GEORGE  ALEX- 
AMIKH, — he  had  forgotten,  1  say,  to 
wind  his  clock.  (You  had  guessed  as 
much?  Good!) 

As  a  natural  consequence  he 
reached  Clapham  Junction  three 
minutes  after  the  train  and  the 
JAWKINSES  und  GEORGE  PARKER  had 
left  that  miracle  of  perverted  en- 
gineering ingenuity. 

And  ho  said 

And  he  said 

And  he  said 

I  have  tried  three  times  to  get  it 
out.  But  I  mustn't.  We  all  lose 
trains  sometimes,  so  perhaps  it  is 
better  we  should  not  know  what  ho 
did  say. 

After  that,  SMIJTII  did  what  you,  or  j 


I,  or  any  other  slipshod,  easy-going 
person  would  have  done  long  before. 
He  let  his  clock  run  down.  He  never 
wound  it,  night  or  morning,  and  he 
was  just  as  happy  as  before.  Ho  had 
never  consulted  it  when  he  wanted  to 
know  the  time.  What  mattered  it  to 
him  if  it  always  stood  thenceforth  at 
noon  or  midnight? 

Now  I  think— I  am  not  sure — I 
think  this  story  is  a  plea  for  the 
Simple  Life.  We  all  forge  for  our- 
selves a  chain  of  petty  habits  which 
we  call  duties.  But  then,  contrari- 
wise, as  an  early-Victorian  aunt  once 
said  to  me,  "  Neglect  the  little  piffling 
duties,  and  you  will  soon  neglect  the 
great  ones."  But  early-Victorian 
morality  is  rather  vicitx  jeu  to-day. 
And  so  it  is  all  a  puzzle,  and 

(Yes,  but  how  about  the  clock? — 
ED.) 

Oh!  the  clock? 

Extract  from  The  West  Kensington 
Examiner  and  Brook  Green  Excogi- 
tator:  ".  .  .  .  and  the  bride's  travel- 
ling dress  was  of  brown  taffeta  with 
blue  satin  revers,  and  brown  picture- 
hat."  (Nothing  is  said  about  the 
bridegroom's  travelling  dress,  but 
JAMES  says  that  GEORGE  PARKER 
would  look  a  brute  in  anything.) 
"  The  wedding  presents,  which  wero 


costly  and  numerous,  included:  — 
Lady  POPPLETON,  a  butter-cooler; 
Captain  and  Mrs.  I'KI.II  AM-I'nop,  B 
butter-cooler;  Rev.  Canon  GOOHLKY, 
a  butter-cooler;  Mr.  HILDEIIKAND 
BROWNE-BROWN,  a  butter-cooler; 
Mr.  JAMES  SMIJTII,  antique  Freuch 
clock.  .  ." 

Nothing  Wanting. 
"  Round  about  him  [the  Knisor, 
at  the  Guildhall]  wero  gathered  the 
wealth,  the  intellect,  the  beauty,  and 
the  aldermen  and  common  coun- 
cillors of  London." — Daily  Exprctt. 


Our  Wonderful  World. 

"FIVE  QUEENS  AT  LUNCH. 

REMABKADI.E  EVENT  AT  WINDSOR  TO-MORBOW." 

Daily  Exprttt  (Nov.  14). 
Mr.  Punch  fails  to  see  anything  re- 
markable in  the  inability  of  these 
ladies,  or  any  other  mortals,  to  resist 
the  attractions  of  one  of  the  most 
welcome  meals  of  the  day. 


Overdoing  It. 

"  The  German  Emperor  is  heartily 
welcome  to  Great  Britain."— Opening 
words  of  leading  article  in  Glasgow 
Herald. 


378 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  20,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(7?y  Ur.  Punch' i  Staff  of  learned  Clerki.) 

IF  tho  Duke  of  ARGYLL  were  not  influenced  by  consti- 
tutional and  preponderating  habit  of  modesty  he  might 
have  taken  for  motto  of  ins  book — Passage*  /row  tin- 
Pait  (HrTi  iiiNSoN)  those  lines  which  the  friend  of  his 
youth  put  in  the  mouth  of  Ulysses,  "  Much  have  I  goen 
and  known;  cities  of  men,  and  manners,  climates, 
councils,  governments."  In  the  public  eye  tlio  I)uki' 


has    lived,    as   did    the    Marquis   of    LORNE,    the    quiet 
life     of     a     looker  mi,     wh.t: 
Commons,    House    of    Ix>rds    or 


in     tho      House 
some    gathering 


royal  state.  His  book  reveals  a  man  of  high  culture, 
business  acumen,  indomitable  energy,  and  the  personal 
courage  hereditary  to  a  CAMPUKI.I,.  There  are  few  living 
men  who  have  travelled  BO  far  and  wide,  or  have  come 
in  contact  with  so  many  memorable 
people.  As  a  boy  he  kn.-w  tin-  Duke 
of  WELLINGTON  and  the  French 
Marshal  who  proved  most  nearly  his 
equal  in  a  campaign.  He  tells  how 
both  were  guests  at  Stafford  House, 
where  were  hung  some  of  the  finest 
pictures  of  MCRILLO,  loot  taken  by 
Sot-LT  from  Madrid,  aft.  r  tin-  Pence 
sold  in  Paris  and  purchased  by  the 
Duke  of  SUTHERLAND.  WELLINGTON, 
not  being  disposed  that  his  ancient 
foe  should  miss  any  of  the  sights  of 
London,  genially  took  him  by  the 
arm,  and  led  him  to  the  room  where 
the  spoils  of  war  hung  in  the  home 
of  peace.  Mr.  GLADSTONE  was  an 
intimate  friend,  a  welcome  guest  at 
any  of  the  stately  homes  of  the 
ARGVLLS.  Others  of  whom  the  Duke 
discourses  were  General  LEE,  PRESI- 
DENT JOHNSON,  SEWARD  (who  gave 
him  a  graphic  account  of  the 
murderous  attack  on  his  life),  LONG- 
FELLOW (who  committed  to  his 
charge  for  the  acceptance  of  TENNY- 
SON  a  precious  Indian  pipe  of  peace), 
WORDSWORTH,  OLIVKR  WENDELL 
HOLMES,  SWINBURNE,  Lord  HOUOH- 


/•.'j-;irrii*  i  the  book  safely. 

the  last  chapter  had  been  different. 


GARIBALDI. 
GARIBALDI 


The    Duke's 
when    he    left 


TON    (still    MONCKTON    MlLNES),    Lord 

DUFFERIN,  General  GRANT,  SHERMAN,  - 
MACAULAY,  DISRAELI,  and  not  least  lofty  among  giants, 

account    of    his    hunt    for 
Caprera    for    Rome,     with 

intent  to  place  his  sword  at  the  disposal  of  the 
Liberator,  is  second  in  graphic  force  only  to  his 
pictures  of  Berlin  after  the  Austrian  campaign  that 
ended  at  Koniggratz.  The  young  traveller's  power 
of  observation  and  insight  into  character  are  strikingly 
illustrated  by  his  note  written  at  the  time  of  a  visit  to 
the  Crown  Prince  of  Germany.  "  Little  Prince 
WILIIELM,"  he  wrote,  "  if  he  lives,  is  likely  to  bo  the 
cleverest  king  that  Prussia  has  had  since  FREDERICK  THE 
GREAT.  He  is  now  only  eight  years  of  age.  He  cer- 
tainly has  good  brains.  The  only  fault  the  reader  is 
likely  to  find  with  the  book  is  a  more  than  ducal  indiffer- 
ence to  sequence.  The  absence  of  orderly  arranj.- 
is  sometimes  bewildering.  After  a  chapter  devoted  to 
the  Alps  we  are  swished  off  to  Inveraray.  Next,  with- 
out a  word  of  preface,  we  find  ourseKvs  in  Jamaica. 
The  succeeding  chapter  lands  us  in  the  United  States, 
followed  by  a  stray  chapter  about  Rosnooth,  oa  tho 


PORTRAIT  or  MR.  TIMMIKS,  WHO  RECENTLY  WON 

1     FIVE -POCHD-A-WEM- FOR- LIFE  -  LlMIKI'  1C     IS 
SxiFFfTT  Sum,   AND  WHO    18    riRHLT  Co-. 

TUAT  THE    PROPRIETOR    is   ANXIOUSLY   WAITING 

TO  COT  BIS   UAU1LITT  (AXD  TlMMISs'   LIFE)  SHORT 
AT  THE   LARLIEST  POSSIBLE  MOMENT. 


Clyde;   and,    hoy   presto!    we   are   back    in   the   United 
States,  which  happily  stood  where  it  did. 

Tks  Square  Peg  (CoNST.uti.K^  by  W.  E.  NOURIB,  is 
:\  nice  friendly  book,  excellently  written.  The  people 
in  it  are  all  real,  and,  if  nr\.-r  very  exciting,  they 
aro  always  interesting.  Cyril  Iladlw.  art^t  and 
Socialist,  who  has  been  adopted  l>y  .S'ir  A/.ir/m  Had- 
I'W,  7'./,.,  J.I'.,  is  the  square  peg  in  the  round  hole, 
and  after  a  vain  attempt  to  adapt  himself  to  his 
positi  in,  he  r>  tires  in  favour  of  his  brother 

liiti'i-rt,   sportsman   and   Conseruitive.      1    i  .    for 

the  benefit  of  newspaper  politicians,   that  Cyril,   tl: 
a  Socialist,  'leman:    readers  of   Thr  l)<nlij 

:M    wi.-Oi    that 
This  gives  us  the 

usual  "  t  after"  busim-ss;  six  months'  hal.y  on 

his   grandmother's   knee     inter    Hubert   anil    his   wife   - 
race    tin  ir  child.       "  Ha-.  • 
.    what  's    happened    to    So-and- 
BO?"         "No."  .'ions — ex- 

planations about  all  the  characters 
in  the  book.  .  .  \\  '  ';/r''  -? 

('ijnl  will  be  down  l.y  the  four  train. 
Hallo,  In  re  he  is.  Cyril,  A/ul/.I  is 
still  waiting  for  you — Ah! 

At  a  time  when  all  the  world 
seems  to  be  busy  with  two  sticks  and 
a  spool — when  the  universal  motto 
is  "  Aut  JJiabolo  aut  nullus  "  it  is 
perhaps  well  to  be  reminded  that 
there  were  F.nglish  games  before  M. 
PHILUPART  and  Mr.  C.  U.  FRY  laid 
their  heads  together  ami  devised  the 
new  terror.  This  reminder  ODD 
very  handsome  form  from  Mr. 
FREDERICK  W.  HACK\VOHI>  in  his  com- 
pendious volume  on  Old  Knyli*h 
Sports  (FisiiER  UNWIN),  wherein  not 
only  are  such  popular  pastimes  as 
hunting  and  racing  and  shooting  ami 
boxing  and  football  run  to  earth,  hit 
we  are  told  the  sources  also  of 
lighting,  and  jousting,  and  tilting 
with  the.  <|uintain.  After  perusing 
Mr.  HAi'KWooii's  P:IL'.-S  \\iih  some 
care  one  finds  out-self  hovering  he 
tween  the  two  feelings—  win  th.  r  it 
would  not  be  well  to  revive  everything,  or  whether  it 
might  not  be  a  good  thing  for  England  if  a  close  tinn-  w  ere 

now  and  then  for  every  kind  of  game.      I 
of  course,  Diabolo ;  no  free  people  would  stand  that  1 

Dear  Sir,  or  Madam,  there  are  times — 

At  least,  it  's  possible  there  may  be — : 
.When  you  stand  awestruck  at  tho  crimes 

Of  ARTHUR,  DULCIE,  or  the  baby; 
When,  lacking  humour's  saving  sense, 

You  are,  to  put  it  bluntly,  surly; 
,'Tis  so?    Then  get  for  reference 

This  charming  book  by  Mr.   TURLEY. 

Thr    rinymatr    (IlKINF.MANN)    provides 

In  chief  six  children  for  your  pleasure, 
Ami  one,  their  godfather,   who  guides 

The  devious  mazes  of  their  leisure ; 
So  well  it  's  done,  BO  well  it  's  told, 

That  you  will  long,  as  he,  to  be  a 
Godparent  half-a-dozenfold, 

To  teach,  as  he,  the  young  idea: 


NOVEMBER  27.  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


379 


A  FORECAST. 

(!N  Two  SENSES.) 

"  JABBLER  "  (as  the  street  boys 
call  it)  is  on  the  wane.  When  an 
appellation  becomes  thus  corrupted 
and  degraded,  what  else  could  one 
expect?  Also,  to  play  it  properly 
requires  more  leger-de-main  than 
the  average  Britisher  is  capable  of, 
while  the  mere  spinning  and  tossing 
the  thing  is  a  futile  amusement 
which  is  best  relegated  to  girl-school 
play-grounds.  The  French  cham- 
pions, too,  have  mostly  gone  home 
to  their  creches  and  lycccs.  Exeat, 
therefore,  "  jabbler." 

A  more  diabolesq-uo  and  strenuous 
craze  is  threatening  to  take  its  place 
and  obsess  us. 

The  Boomerang  has  already  broken 
out  in  spots,  having,  for  instance, 
nearly  knocked  some  of  them  off  the 
sacrosanct  Henry  VI.  at  Eton. 

Kngland  is  daily  expecting  a  team 
of    Wagga-Wagga    blacks    to    indoc 
trinate  her  in  this  deadly  sport  under 
the    direction    of    Mr.    C.    B.    FRY. 
Shortly,    also,    there   will   appear   at 
the   Palace   Theatre   a   native   expo 
nent   from   Wooloomooloo,   who  will 
cast  his  throw-stick  upon  the  audi 
toriurn,  whence  no  doubt  it  will  re- 
turn after  not  many  seconds.       We 
advise  the  audience  to  take  it  lying 
down,  which  appears  to  be  the  only 
safe  position. 

The  One  and  Only  Aboriginal  In 
ventor  will  then  pay  us  a  visit,  and 
lay  claim  to  his  share  of  the  profits, 
going  to  law  in  due  course  in  defence 
of  his  particular  swan-necked  or 
sickle-shaped  weapon.  Mr.  Justice 
DAP.LING,  before  whom  the  case  will 
be  tried,  will  wear  a  meat-cover  or  a 
fencing-mask  as  a  protection  during 
the  proceedings. 

The  County  Council  will  pass 
stringent  by-laws  against  the  decapi- 
tation of  foot  passengers  in  the 
streets  or  public  parks,  unless  the  cry 
of  "  Fore  "  has  been  audibly  raised 
by  the  thrower.  After  about  three 
months  the  next  furore  will  become 
due,  but  the  prophets  are  divided  in 
opinion  as  to  whether  it  will  be  the 
Chinese  game  of  fan-tan,  or  quail- 
fighting  derived  from  the  Greeks 
Other  authorities  will  have  it  that 
"  Scottish-hop  "  and  "  Leaping 
frog  " — both  refinements  of  ancieni 
English  pastimes — will  claim  the 
favour  of  the  Smart  Set. 

Meanwhile    I    have    become    pos 
sessed    of    a    boomerang    (while    the 
accent  is  still  on  the  first  syllable) 
and  am  in  mortal  dread  of  the  thing 
going  off  of  its  own  accord. 

ZIGZAG. 


i 


"  MAIS  vous  II'AVEZ  ASSURE  QUE  rout  M'AVIEZ   QVB  DES  HABILLEMENTS  PERSONNEL*. 

QBE  VOES  APPELEZ  CA  ?  " 

"Oil— £A— C'EST  LE   BONNET  DE  SCIT  DE  MOS  MA*I." 


A  VERSATILE  CHEMIST. 
The    Evening    News,    in    printing 
some  of  the  letters  sent  to  Madame 
TETRAZZINI,  gives  the  following:  — 

"  A  CHEMIST  WHITES  :    - 

I  have,  as  a  result  of  many  years'  experi- 
ments, invented  an  elixir  which  will  render 
any  woman's  voice  beautiful,  almost  divine, 
giving  it  strength  and  durability. 

I  am  a  flute-player,  and  can  accompany  any 
singer.  If  I  get  no  engagement  here  soon  I 
am  off  to  Japan. 

I  want  £18  to  publish  a  book  entitled  '  Tales 
and  Sketches  of  Bristol.'  I  have  received 
orders  from  the  King  of  England,  King  of 
Italy,  and  other  Royalties,  and  all  that  stands 
between  me  and  fame  is  £18.  Will  you  send 
it  to  me  ?  (Postal  orders  preferred.) 

I  have  a  guitar  200  years  old.  Would  you 
buy  it  ?  You  could  easily  learn,  and  accompany 
yourself  on  the  stage  with  it." 

It  is  a  serious  reflection  on  our 
country  that  a  chemist  of  these 


accomplishments  should  be  driven  to 
Japan.  We  commend  his  case  to 
Mr.  HENRY  WOOD,  Mr.  NEIL  FOR- 
SYTE, and  The  Times  Book  Club,  to 
say  nothing  of  our  greatest  Cash 
Chemists,  in  the  hope  that  some- 
thing may  be  done  for  him. 

ON   THE   RAG. 

A  RAG  is  a  schoolboy's  clean  hand- 
kerchief, and  a  baby's  new  frock, 
after  half  an  hour's  use. 

A  rag  is  a  fifty-guinea  dinner 
gown  after  it  has  been  worn  three 
times. 

A  rag  is,  at  Cambridge,  the  under- 
graduates' way  of  welcoming  a 
Spanish  monarch;  in  Spain,  the 
matador's  medium  for  annoying  a 
bull. 

A  rag  is  the  other  paper. 


VOL.   CXXJtlll. 


380 


PUNCH,  OR  THK    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  27,  1907. 


GOVERNMENT    BY    THE    PEOPLE; 

OB,    Tin:    Ni.w    I'n: 

[-If  ve  have  to  chooee  betwren  the  eipert  bureaucratic  judgment 
and  the  inft.m-tive  |>oi.u'ar  judgment  in  foreign  aftairm,  we  unheeitatr 
ngly  cbooae  the  latter.  It  ia  the  latter,  aud  not  the  former,  which  hat 
the  Britiah  Empire."—  H  >».'m 


I   WANDERED,   off  I11V   USUal  FOU 

ii  Clapham  Common  \\:iy, 
And  saw  the  crowd,  in  Sunday  suits, 
Improve  the  holy  day; 

i  on  a  stump, 

1  1 

And  dreadful  truths,  that  made  me  jump, 
Swept  from  his  lips  like  flai: 

His  tie  was  red,  his  gestures  large; 
I  watched  him  once  or  twice 

j  fist  and  charge 
Tho  upper  class  with  vice  ; 
liis,  unions  that  honest  folk, 

i  pricked  aloft  an  angered  ear, 
:  their  "  instinctive  judgment  '.'  spoke 
As  follows:  —  Shame!  or  Heart 

I  scanned  their  features  o'er,  and  read 

The  true  Imperial  signs  — 
The  piercing  orb,  the  massive  head, 

The  chin's  determined  lines; 
I  scanned  the  broad  judicial  brow, 

The  mastering  mouth,  the  nervous  nose, 
And  saw  at  once  exactly  how 

Our  glorjpus  Empire  rose. 

I  was  convinced  that  there  must  be 

Under  so  fair  a  bide 
Great  intuitions,  good  to  see, 

If  one  could  look  inside  ; 
Something  that  had  its  mental  eye 

Pinned  to  the  path  of  Honour's  goal, 
Much  like  a  compass  working  by 

Collusion  with  the  Pole. 

I!  .\v  quaint  the  force  tradition  wields, 

Funning  the  foolish  craze 
For  CLIVES  and  PITTS  and  BEACONSFIELDB, 

CCRZONS  and  EDWARD  GREYS  1 
To-day  we  must  unlearn  a  lot  ; 

The  crowd's  "  instinctive  judgment  "  —  that  '• 
Where  we  should  fix  our  faith  and  not 

On  stuffy  .'.'  bureaucrats.". 

You  may  have  read—  the  tale  is  rife, 

And  history  so  misleads— 
Of  men  who  left  the  easeful  life 

To  serve  their  country's  needs; 
Who  spent  themselves,  heart,  hand  and  brain 

Over  the  long  and  lonely  fight— 
Mere  "  bureaucrats,"  and  all  in  vain, 

If  my  (J-r.L-ttc  is  right. 

I  too  confess  that  I  bad  thought 

These  had  a  place  apart, 
By  nature  dowered,  by  training  fraught, 

With  diplomatic  art; 
So  delicate  the  game  they  played, 

I  stupidly  supposed  the  mob 
Might  find  its  hands  perhaps  a  shade 

Too  horny  for  the  job. 


rod  a  doubt?     My  fancy  sailed 
To  India's  coral  strand  ; 
1  felt  how  "  bureaucrats  "  had  failed 

In  Unit  benighted  lund, 
Until  the   Pe<,  Linpii.n  threw 

•.e  (lurk  a  blaze  of  light; — 
.^lit  (if  KKIH!  and  then  1  knew 
My  II V«<  miiiitcr  was  right. 


0.  S. 


THE    TANGLE. 


ATM  H  uiuir.r  came  to  stay  with  us  lust  Thursday. 
She  's  n-ally  Mum's  aunt.  She  's  quite  old — more  than 
Bfty,  Mrs.  ArsiiN  thinks;  but  she  's  \ei  .;;d  wu 

like    her    v. TV    much.      She    alv. 
Something  in  a  little  silver  box,  which  she  earn- 
with   her  in   a  black   \vh  ith   her   \\ork         She 

s  a  lot  of  la;  --f  it  on  her  1:  mi 

the    rest   of   her.     When    she  she 

makes  it  smell  of  lavender.      She  docs  a   lot  i.f  sewing 
and  knitting  and  embroidery.      Her  hu>l.:ind  w 
JOHN,  who  wns  a  soldier.      II'-  was  killed  in  India.      She 
showed    me    his    Victoria    Cross,    and    somctn- 
tells  beautiful  stories  about  his  battles  and  all  the  men 
he  killed  with  his  own  sword. 

NINA  setth-d  that  we  must  give  Aunt  HAHKIKT  nn 
entertainment.  It  was  to  be  (\i>niir<il;anian  and 
Badoura,  from  the  Arabian  lights.  N  it 

herself  and  I  put  in  a  f.-w  bits.  I  was  to  be  I'rince 
Camaralzaman,  and  NINA  was  to  be  the  I'nnccs» 
Badoura,  the  Diamond  of  Beauty  and  the  Pearl  of 
Wisdom.  I  tried  to  make  jokes  with  her  about  it.  I 
said,  "You  will  have  to  buck  up  with  your  geography 
if  you  are  to  be  a  Pearl  of  Wisdom."  She  had  told  Miss 
WILLS  that  morning  that  Berlin  was  situated  on  the 
river  Tigris,  and  Miss  WILLS  had  laughed.  NINA  didn't 
like  my  jokes.  She  never  does.  She  said  "  HI:ICI:I.KT, 
you  are  too  literal,"  so  I  said,  "Never  mind,  you  're 
quite  beautiful  enough,"  and  that  smoothed  her  down. 
Mrs.  AUSTIN  didn't  act  this  time.  NINA  said  she  could 
make  a  part  for  her.  She  might  be  a  tiring  w 
but  Mrs.  AUSTIN  said  she  was  quite  tired  enough  think- 
ing of  dinner,  BO  NINA  said  she  would  do  without  hor. 
She  was  over  at  the  stables  in  the  afternoon,  and  she 
told  JIM  there  wouldn't  be  anything  for  him  to  act. 
JIM  said,  "Ain't  there  a  coachman  or  a  jockey  in  it? 
Couldn't  I  hold  your  pony  for  a  bit  while  you  're  having 
your  tea?  "  But  NINA  said  there  was  nothing  about 
tea.  She  was  sorry,  because  she  said  she  could  have 
put  in  an  Arab  steed  easily  if  she  'd  thought  about  it, 
but  she  hadn't.  JIM  didn't  seem  to  mind  much. 

Well,  we  got  it  all  arranged  for  Friday  after  tea. 
Mum  and  Dad  were  there,  and  Aunt  HARRIET  and  Miss 
WILLS  and  Mrs.  Wn.i.oi  (umy,  the  wife  of 
and  they  were  all  talking  away  like  mad— all  ev-pt  Dad, 
who  was  dashing  about  with  tea  and  butteivd  toast. 
Dad  says  he  doesn't  care  for  teas,  but  they  'd  fetched 
him  out  of  his  smoking-room  when  Mrs.  Wn.i.i  i  i.in  -i 
turned  up.  They  were  in  the  front  drawing-room,  and 
NISA  little  room  at  the  back.  We  'd 

rigged    lip    two    curtains    between,    and     I     was 
through  the  chink  of  the  curtains.     I 
the   curtains   open    at   five   o'clock    exactly,    when    the 
clock  on  the  mantelpiece  struck. 

When  it  got  to  about   three  or   four  minutes  to  five 

they  were  still   talking  about  people   they   didn't    like. 

Aunt  11  \Kiin  I   bad  finished  her  tea  and  1  •••!  her 

!.a»   and   fished   out   her   work.       It    was   a   bit  of 

embroidery,   and   when  she  looked  at  it  she  saw  that 


KJNCIT,  OR  THE  LONDON  Cl IA IM V.\  It r.-XoVK  vnn>  27,  1907. 


THE  OLD  EEPKOBATE. 

POLICEMAN  X.  (to  FATHER  CHRISTMAS).  "  COME  ALONG  0'  ME,  MY  MAN.    YOUR  GREY  HAIRS  WON'T 

PROTECT  YOU." 

[Sir  EDWARD  FRY  has  reminded  the  public  that  Christmas-boxes  given  by  tradesmen  to  the  servants  of  their  clients  are  liable  to  be  regr.rded 
aa  secret  commissions,  and  therefore  illegal  under  the  new  Prevention  of  Corruption  Act.] 


NOVEMBER  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


383 


LaJy  of  uncertain  age  (to  horrid  child).  "  AND  How  OLD  ARE  too  ?" 
Lady  of  uncertain  age.  "  On,  I  DOX'T  REMEMBER  THE  TEAR  I  WAS  BOBN." 


Horrid  Child.  "  l-'ivu.     How  OLD  ARE  TOU? 
Horrid  Child.  "  WELL,  THES,  TEI.L  ME  THE 


her  silk  threads  had  all  got  into  a  tangle.  There  was 
some  red  silk  and  some  green  silk  and  some  white  silk, 
and  they  were  all  mixed  up  together.  She  began  to 
pick  at  them  to  undo  them.  Well,  first  Mrs.  WIL- 
LOUGHBY  stopped  talking  because  Aunt  HARRIET  wasn't 
answering  her,  and  she  began  to  look  at  the  tangle,  and 
her  fingers  began  to  move  just  as  if  she  was  trying  to 
undo  one  herself.  She  said,  "  Can  I  help  you,  Mrs. 
BAIRD?"  but  Aunt  HARRIET  said,  No  thank  you,  she 
could  do  it  herself.  Mrs.  WILLOUGUBY  went  on  looking 
and  twitching  her  fingers.  Then  Miss  WILLS  saw 
what  was  going  on,  and  she  stopped  talking  because 
Mrs.  WILLOUGUBY  wasn't  listening,  and  she  shifted  her 
chair,  and  her  fingers  began  to  move  too.  Aunt 
HARRIET  wouldn't  let  Miss  WILLS  help  her  either. 
Next,  Mum  saw  Auntie  working  away,  and  Mum  half 
opened  her  mouth  and  her  teeth  showed,  and  she  bent 
forward  as  if  she  wanted  to  get  hold  of  the  silk  and  have 
a  shot  at  it,  and  her  fingers  worked  like  anything.  Last 
of  all  Dad  sat  down  right  in  front  of  Auntie.  He  said 
he  thought  he  could  do  it,  but  Auntie  shook  her  head 
and  said  she  'd  do  it  herself  or  die,  and  Dad  kept  sitting 
there  and  his  fingers  playod  about  worse  than  any- 
body's. 

Then    five    o'clock    struck,    and    I    pulled    open    the 
curtains,    but   they   just   looked    round  and    then   they 


looked  back  again  at  Auntie,  and  Auntie  kept  at  it; 
and  I  saw  Dad  pull  out  his  handkerchief  and  wipe  his 
forehead. 

Of  course  NINA  didn't  know  what  had  been  going 
on.  She  had  been  lying  on  the  sofa  in  her  Eastern 
dress  (mostly  silk),  waiting  to  begin.  When  I  palled 
back  the  curtains  she  started  :— 

"Oh,  I  am  lonely,  lonely!  Will  he  never  return? 
'Twas  but  yesterday  evening  we  held  sweet  converse 
together,  while  the  moon  shone  through  the  casement. 
In  truth  no  nobler  Prince  - — —  ' 

They  hadn't  moved  an  inch,  and  Auntie  was  still  at  it; 
so  I  dashed  up  to  NINA,  and  whispered,  "  Auntie  's  got 
her  silks  in  a  tangle.  It 's  no  good  our  going  on  till  she  'a 
undone  them ;  "  and  then  NINA  and  I  crept  into  the  other 
room  and  looked  on,  and  our  fingers  got  moving  like 
Auntie's,  and  nobody  said  a  word.  At  last  Auntie  got 
angry.  She  said,  "Oh,  bother  the  knot!"  and  srre 
tugged  with  both  hands  as  hard  as  she  could  and  broke 
the  silk  snap  in  two.  Mum  fell  back  in  hor  chair,  and 
Dad  jumped  up  and  said,  "  Thank  the  Lord,"  and  ^frf!. 
WILLOUGHBY  and  Miss  WILLS  both  said,  "  Ah,"  as  if 
they  were  blowing  something  away.  Then  Dad  laughed 
very  loud  and  told  us  to  start  the  play  orer  again. 
It  went  very  well,  and  Auntie  gave  us  a  couple  of 
chocolates  each  at  the  end.  R.  C.  L. 


3S4 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


;  • 


PYTHONS'    MEALS. 

A    MKKTINO    Was  k    ill 

the    lloval    Huma' 
oil    thf    banks    nf    '  ntilli1,     t<> 

give    wide    di^  t,i    Mr.    KH\Y. 

I.\NI>     Ih  NT'S    suggestion     tliat     the 
snakes  at  tho  Zoo  should  1 
not  be  all'  '/oir  fiM),l  alivo, 

but  have  it  served  to  thfin  dead — a 
proposition    which    ho    has   jus: 
before  the  •  :-s  of  the  Zoo!- 

Society. 

The  chnir  was  taken  by  that 
master  of  tact  of  wild  animals, 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEOROE  S\s<;r.n,  and 
there  were  also  present  Mr.  .IAMKACH. 
Miss  LOIK  I-YI.LKR,  Mr.  BEKX\KI> 
SHAW,  Mr.  SIIIMV  I.n:.  l.icutennnt- 
Colonel  NEWNIMM  l'\\i<.  M 


some  conclusion   as  to   the 

.•:d    whet 

should   !,-•  e;i\en  t<;  tlicin  alive 

or    di  ad.      Ilithertii     it     has     for    the 

-.1  them  alive, 

e:,se    of    lilatikets    and 

other  inanirna1  which  all 

the    1  partial.      Mr. 

MI  NT  wished  it  all  to  he  killed  first; 
others  took  an  op]  \v. 

Mr.     BntNutn     Siuw     understood 

that   imd-  r  tl  pro. 

Mr.    Ilrsr    '  ma    of 

•     •  IIL;  the  rabbit  :ry  for 

the    nourishment    of    til.  would 

attach  to  the  keeper  rather  than  to 
the  reptile.  The  idea  filled  him  with 
loathing  and  abhorrence.  He  had  a 
feeling  of  immense  sympathy  with 
all  keepers,  being  sadly  in  need  of  one 


SHAW!")  serpents  had  a  tooth 
sharper  than  a  thankless  child.  It 
was  obvious  that  a  reptile  thus 
•litfully  endowed  by  nature 
needed  what  he  ventured  to  call  a 
pabulum  proportioned  to  it-*  dental 

(La  :d       e!  •  .  r< 

swan  son;.'  '  fn  ni 

the  infliction  of  pain,  he  ventured  to 
•  I      a     .!>  t      <  f     eond,  mncd 
ArniN  1    Ion;;   under- 

stood that  what  to  do  with  these  dis- 
cards! articl.  •  had 
seriously  i  the  air 
sideration  of  the  Army,  from  Mr. 
HAI.IIAXE  himself  down  to  Lieu- 
tenant WOODS. 

Mr.   STKI-III  s   Coi.rir  •   that 

he   stood    there   as   the    friend  of   the 
rabbit.  n. I          II 


THE    LANGUAGE    OF    THE    MUSIC-HALL. 


Moonlight 

Distant  Voice* 


N'.i.  Ration.     Travel. 
Deporting  or  U-tnrning 
I  .over  (Soldier  or  Sailor). 


Affair  of  the  Ilenrt. 
Patriotic  Fervour. 


Lo.lgere.   Mothers-in-law. 
Drink.     Kippera. 


Any  refrrpnrr   in  I'arit, 
Ostend,  the  Continent. 


SALMON  and  (Si.i  VKSTKIX.  Mr. 
EUSTACE  MILES,  the  Hon.  STEPHEN 
COLERIDGE,  Mr.  RICHARD  HELL, 
M.I'.,  and  the  Manager  of  The  Timrit 
Book  Club. 

After  the  reading  of  n  cable  from 
Signor  CARUSO,  advocating  the 
closing  of  all  Zoological  ^nrdcnR  for 
everriiore,  and  three  letters  from 
manufacturers  of  beef-tea  offering 
to  feed  the  snakes  entirely  on  their 
products  in  exchange  for  a  free 
advertisement,  the  CHAIRMAN  said  that 
before  proceeding  to  the  discussion 
he  had  a  proposition  to  make,  which 
be  felt  sure  all  present  would  sup- 
port with  cordiality;  and  this  was 
that  Mr.  llrxr,  who  had  hitherto 
been  known  as  "  Boadicoa  "  HINT, 
should,  by  virtue  of  his  strong 
ophidian  sympathies,  henceforth  !••• 
known  as  "Boa-constrictor"  HTXT. 
(Prolonged  cheers.) 

Mr.  LLOYD  GEOROE  SAXGER  then 
briefly  outlined  tl  •  for  which 

the  meeting  was  called — namely  to 


|  himself,  and  he  could  not  bear  to 
think  of  such  a  fine  body  of  men 
having  their  nobler  aspirations 
blunted  by  the  imposition  of  this 
nauseous  task.  Let  reptiles  work 
out  their  own  condemnation. 
Speaking  for  himself,  he  would  let 
every  wild  animal  free,  and  if  they 
would  take  a  hint  and  cared  to  come 
to  him  when  in  need  of  a  tit-bit,  he 
would  gladly  guide  them  to  Mr. 
BEDFORD'S  lair.  But  let  there  be 
an  end  of  this  odious  cant  as  to  the 
mode  of  murdering  a  rabbit.  If 
middle-class  sightseers  were  d 
dent  for  their  low  pleasure  on  the 
spectacle  of  incarcerated  ophidians, 
it  mattered  little  whether  their  prey 
were  swallowed  alive  or  dead. 

Mr.  Sn  .  who  was  gr 

on     rising     with     prolonged     <•! 
ventured   to  nsk    I1  on,   Why 

rabbit^''  II, •  would  remind  the 
meeting  that  on  the  authority  of  the 
illustrious  master,  WII.MAM  SHAK- 

SI'EARE       (A       \oa-e  :       "  What 


•-by   snakes,   which   were   highly 
intelligent    and    cultivated    animals, 
should   be  degraded    to   the    level   of 
\iviseetionists,     as    they     had 
too  long  under  the   present    rfgime. 
He     therefore     welcomed     the 
posal  of  Mr.   HUNT,   who,   he  mi^ht 
add,    was    the   only    Hunt   of    whom 
he  had  e  .  .-d. 

At  this  point  Messrs.  SALMOX  and 
Cil.rcKSTKiN,  rising  simultaneously 
from  opposite  sides  of  the  hall, 
voiced  their  nst  Mr. 

llrsr's    suggestion.        Mr.    SALMON. 
:,     said     that     he     had 
always     harboured     a     fellow  f 
for     sea-serpents,     owing-  if     they 

i  pardon  his  humour  to  his 
affinity  to  the  finny  tribe.  (Pro 

i    laughter  and    applause.)        It 

the  greatest  mistake  in  the 
world  to  suppose  that  snakes  were 
naturally  carnivorous,  any  more  than 
men.  !;•  H<l.-rs  of  \\intiniril  //».' 
would  recall  the  test  case  of  SALVA- 
TION Yi.o,  who  on  one  occasion  lived 


NOVEMBEB  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


385 


for  three  days  on  tobacco.  At  this 
point  Mr.  GLUCKSTEIN  was  overcome 
by  bis  emotion,  and  recovered  only 
after  a  few  vigorous  puffs  at  a  Mrs. 
Wiggs,  the  latest  creation  of  a  rival 
firm.  Resuming,  Mr.  SALMON  paid 
a  glowing  tribute  to  the  sensitive  ap- 
preciation of  his  partner,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  enlarge  upon  his  affection 
for  the  Zoo  and  all  its  occupants, 
which  dated  from  his  entering  into 
the  Lyons'  den.  It  was  nothing 
but  his  deep  devotion  to  the  whole 
tribe  of  ophidians  which  had  in- 
duced him  to  name  his  most  cele- 
brated brand  of  cigarettes  by  the 
convincing  title  of  Worm-Beguilers. 
(Loud  cheers,  during  which  Mr. 
GLUCKSTEIN  was  removed.) 

Mr.  EUSTACE  MILES  was  under- 
stood to  say  that  the  whole 
principle  of  animal  nutrition  was 
grossly  misunderstood  by  the 
authorities  in  Regent's  Park.  As  a 
matter  of  fact,  all  animals  in  a 
natural  state  were  vegetarians. 
Everyone  knew  that  the  favourite 
food  of  the  sea-serpent  was  the 
giant  gooseberry.  Similarly  snakes 
in  captivity  infinitely  preferred 
ordinary  radishes  to  rabbits,  and 
horse-radishes  to  hares.  He  was 
delivering  at  the  present  moment  a 
course  of  lectures  at  his  restaurant 
on  "  Vipers  and  Veg.,  or,  How  to 
make  Adders  active." 

Lieutenant  -  Colonel  NEWNHAM- 
DAVIS  said  he  would  not  detain  the 
meeting  long,  having  engagements 
to  eat  specimen  dinners  in  most  of 
the  capitals  of  Europe  in  the  course 
of  the  next  ten  days.  He  was,  how- 
ever, strongly  of  opinion  that  snakes 
should  not  be  stinted,  and  on  the 
last  occasion  when  he  had  enter- 
tained a  python — a  delightful  per- 
sonality with  a  very  intelligent 
palate — he  had  given  him  a  few 
oysters,  a  bisque,  a  sole  Caruso, 
noisettes  de  pre  sale,  a  woodcock  en 
papillotes,  and  pcches  Tetrazzini.  All 
this  was  washed  down  with  a 
magnum  of  Pommery  cum  grano 
1889,  followed  by  some  1815  brandy 
at  10«.  a  petit  verre,  for  which  wel- 
come addendum  the  python  forked 
out.  (Universal  and  mouth-water- 
ing sensation.) 

Mr.  RICHARD  BELL,  M.P.,  rose  to 
put  the  case  for  the  keepers,  who, 
it  seems,  are  against  Mr.  HUNT'S 
suggested  innovations,  holding  not 
unnaturally  that  if  they  are  called 
upon  to  do  this  extra  duty  of 
slaughtering  the  snakes'  breakfasts, 
they  should  receive  extra  pay,  to 
which,  however,  the  Zoological 
Society  objects.  The  working  hours 
of  a  keeper  at  the  Zoo  were,  he 
might  say,  already  very  long,  and  it 


THE    TROUBLES    OF 

Chorus  of  very  tricked  boyt. 


A    KNIGHT-ERRANT. 

1  YAU-OO  ! !     ni.t-EBE.iRb  ! ! !  " 


was  doubtful  if  the  addition  of  such 
nervous  duties  as  the  killing  of 
rabbits  and  rats,  and  occasionally 
goats,  for  the  pythons,  would  not  be 
fraught  with  danger  to  the  public, 
since  a  man  who  was  over-taxed 
with  harassing  and,  he  might  add, 
sanguinary  duties,  would  be  far  less 
able  to  see  that  visitors  kept  off  the 
grass  than  one  whose  working 
hours  were  short  and  his  leisure 
long;  and  at  this  time  of  year  to 
walk  on  the  grass  involved  wet  feet 
and  double  pneumonia.  The  speaker 
therefore  declared  himself  in  favour 
of  allowing  the  snakes  to  take  their 
food  as  heretofore  —  unless,  of 


course,  the  Zoological  Society  would 
recognise  the  keepers'  claims  for  an 
extra  wage  and  behave  accordingly. 

The  Manager  of  The  Time*  Library 
said  that  he  had  it  on  the  best 
authority  that  snakes  would  eat 
books.  This  being  BO,  be  could 
offer  the  Zoological  Society  lashings 
of  fodder  for  them  at  a  far  lower 
rate  than  rabbits.  (Sensation, 
during  which  the  meeting  broke  up.) 

"  The  attendance  was  estimated  at  38,000)." 
SJanclietter  Evening  Clirnnicl*. 

A  very  happy  compromise  between 
meticulous  accuracy  and  a  vague 
round  shot. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[KovEiwo  27,  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

I'i:\R3    are    now    entertained    that 

our  i  : 

repos. 

sary  fur  1  II:-;  M  v 

ought  really  to  phiy  the  pnu.'.        If 

we  supply  the  din  should  do 

the  r 

*  • 

Why  a  ship  should  be  a  '. 
a     pro;  !•  m      which      puzzles      • 
people,   hut  t;  .we  MI; 

be  no  doubt  that  it  is  due   to   this 
fact     that  .  the    paint    and     p< 
trouble    has    arisen    in    the     1 
Navy. 

*  * 
• 

news  thai 

peopfe  to,  circulate  tliu  mo- 

i,',    and 

the   financial   crisis,    there    was   quite 
a  rush  on  the  part  of  loyal  littl-- 
and,  girls  to  force  open  their  n 
boxes,  and  the  candy  trade,  at  any 
rate-,  is  booming. 

V 

Thf  other  day  we  drew  attention 

large  cargo  of  canaries  which 

was'taken  across  the  Atlantic.     Last 

."  .  irctania  carried  a  still 

more' remarkable  freight  in  the  form 

.000  American  eagles. 

Mile.  ,TK\NNK  SAULIER,  a  Pariaian 
actress,  has  ordered  a  submarine,  to 
cost  £40,000,  and  will  use  it  to  make 
excursions  round  the  l-'i-.-m-h  coast. 
This  is  .supposed  to  be  the  first 
instance  of  an  actress  wishing  to 
keep  out  of  the  public  eye  even  for 
a  moment. 

V 

One  iiundred-aud-thirty  supporters 
of  the  Government  have  signed  a 
memorial  to  the'  I'IUME  MINISTER 
asking  for  a  reduction  of  expendi- 
ture on  the  Army  and  Navy.  The 
memorialists  assert  that  England 
stands  in  less  danger  from  any 
Power  now  than  she  has  for  twenty- 
five  years.  This  certainly  ought  to 
M  put  a  stop  to. 

"  A  difficulty,"*  says  The  Daily 
News,  "  has  arisen  in  the  election  of 
a  Mayor  for  Woodstock.  The  Duke 
•  >f  MAULBOKOUOII  was  invited  to  fill 
the  office  yesterday,  and  he  intimated 
his  willingness  to  accept  the  posi- 
tion." Surely  it  is  a  pity  that  the 
purity  of  the  campaign  against  the 
House  of  Lords  should  be  blemished 
by  personal  animosity. 

"  A  high  tribute,"  says  The  Irish 
Independent,  "  has  been  paid  by  all 
shades  of  politics  to  Mr.  BALI 


ingenuity  as  a  dialeetrieian."       We 

with    onr    i  :  ary    that 

be  such  it  word,  for  it 

is  a  Vi  ry  jiretty  word,  and  we  admire 

f  the  /ni/»  1'i-tiJi-nt 

in  using  it. 

"  I  don't  read  coi 

lish  novels,"  said   Mr.   A.    H.   WALK 

"  There  arc  so  few  good  ones."     We 
rin::  how  it  is  that  Mr. 
WAI.M.KY  knows  that  tip-re  are  > 
good  :  Hut   Mr.   WAI.KI 

of  course,  no  ordinary  man. 

*  * 

Two   men   named    I>.\Y    and    Nliiin 
.     at     the     Old     > 

'.;    with  house- 
•  d  ex- 

.cali.'Il     was    made 

to  ha\e  the    niatt.T   ref.-rred   to   Mr. 
1'i.ownKX,    the   oni  'rate   who 

do  justice  to  such  a  case. 

*  * 

Failing  to  get  five  months'  rent,  a 
Pennsylvania  landlord  has  kid- 
1  the  tenant's  child,  and  in- 
tends to  keep  the  infant  until  the 
money/ is  paid.  This  would  be 
illegal  in  England. 

%* 

The  gentlemen  who  are  respon- 
sible for  the  forthcoming  pantomime 
at  Drury  Lane,  it  is  announced,  con- 
ceived the  artistic  and  beautiful  idea 
of  rolling  three  fairy  tales  into  one. 
The  prices  will  nevertheless  remain 
the  same  as  in  previous  years,  and 
a  great  incursion  'of  bargain-hunters 
is'  expected. 

Two  centenarians,  aged  101  and 
102,  have,  The  Express  informs  us, 
been  arrested  at  New  Orleans  for 
fighting  in  a  restaurant.  This  bears 
out  'the  contention  of  the  Peace 
optimists  that  another  Hundred 
Year*.'' War  is  impossible  nowadays. 
It  wouldn't  be  thought  long  enough. 

The  Zoo  is  to  be  enlarged.  The 
new  Giraffe  is  getting  such  a  big  girl 
now. 

V 

From  Potchefstroom  comes  the 
news  that  a  Kaffir  who  had  been 
chastised  by  a  Dutchman  has  been 
sentenced  to  a  month's  hard  labour 
for  seizing  the  Dutchman's  beard 
and  pulling  most  of  it  out.  We 
understand  that  Mr.  FIUNK  liu  IIAHII- 
so\  is  interesting  himself  in  the  case 
with  a  view  to  rectifying  what  he 
considers  a  shocking  miscarriage  of 

justice. 

*  * 

Twenty  policemen  were  engaged  :n 
^  hunt  for  two  suspects  on 
Cohnty    Council    land    in    Kin: 


last  week.  This  should  serve  to 
emphasise  the  danger  of  these  vast 
uninhabited  tracts  of  land  which  are 

• 

of  outlaws  and  the  lurking  place  for 
highwaymen. 

We  are  promised  an  exceptionally 

•>er.     W 

that    it    is   not    too    la1 
:i  hope  that  the  rivalry  Ut\\een 
montn  m       '         t  will  i 
I  I 


mi-:  in;!!!'  n.i:  TIII:  ASHF.S 

Two  sportsmen  ]  ward 

on  behalf  of  the   <  ;try   since 

our    I 

Swan  ".-c    had  :nity. 

First  of  nil,  we  have  this: 

The  ]  f.wt, 

Tin 

.'.  should  wo  ilo 
The  long  winter  through  ? 
Buy  from  the  JL  :  cuaU  last 

A    .second    compi  t-iior    misled    the 
point  altogether  with: 

"  Jubt  do  a*  we  did  in  the  put," 
while  the  writer  of 

"  Buy  wood,  and  the  coal-merchanU  we'll  Matt  " 
simply  courted  disaster.  The  feature, 
however,  of  the  competition  is  the 
note  at  the  end : 

"Several  pretty  good  line*  Lad  to  be  rejected 
as  they  had  not  the  proper  number  of  syllables.'' 
The  other  Limerick  comes  from 
Plymouth,  and  is  at  present  un- 
finished. But  the  beginning  is  as 
follows : 

"  Then  he  called  out '  My  dear,  I'm  10  hungry, 

Let  'a  have  tea,  and  then  where  shall  we  go  ? ' 

'Oh!  dear  hubby  if  you  n.ili;.  would  pleaaa 


me, 


CompetitorB  may  a 
with  anything  they 
Australia's  turn. 


rhyme 
-  now 


FIGURES  IN  LITERATURE. 

Is   referring   to   Lord   AVEBURT,   a 
writer  in  The  Bystander  gives  the  in- 
teresting   information    that     " 
of  his  many  Looks  ran  into  Inn 
of  thousands  of  editions."       This  is 
a     fact,     v  not    generally 

known,     and    we    congratulate    our 
contemporary    on    its    aehievi 
Our    pet     statistician    has    been    at 
work,    and    calculates    that    nt    the 
most  moderate  estimate  an  a\ 

!i  of   the  books 

d      to     has      been     pnl 
every   year;   that    is.   .something   like 
eighteen  editions  a  day,   allowing  for 
•h    Saturday,    and    not 
conn:  '!'   Hank    I 

;!:d     We     mtist 

hlfl  v.  •  T'l  for  i<     t!'1"    if  the    ; 

!',>r  all  these  editions  were  spread 


27,  1907.]  PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


•V;;, 


Vititorto  Dublin.  "WHAT  is  THE  POPULATION  HEBE?" 

Jarvey  (sjmewhat  out  of  his  depth).  "WELL,  SOB—  ii  NIVEB  CAS  TELL;   IT 'B  KIVEB  TWICE  THE  SAME.    THERE '«  ALWATI  MOKE  01  i 


MARKET  DAT. 

out  in  sheets,  it  would  cover 
Hampstead  Heath  to  a  depth  of 
seven-and-a-half  inches;  and  that  the 
cloth  used  in  binding  would  be 
sufficient  to  provide  suits  of  the 
latest  pattern  for  all  the  bank- 
clerks  in  the  United  Kingdom 
(allowing  frock-coats  to  managers 
and  cashiers).  If,  however,  the  pre- 
sent fashion  compelled  full  trousers, 
after  the  American  style,  Scotland 
would  have  to  be  excluded  from  this 
estimate,  though  there  would  even 
then  be  enough  to  provide  kilts  for 
that  section  of  the  banking  world. 

Should  any  financial  crisis  occur 
in  this  country,  the  depositors  in  the 
bank  with  which  Lord  AVEBURY  is 
chiefly  identified,  will  feel  happy  in 
the  knowledge  that  in  his  lordship's 
books  there  is  a  property  adequate 
to  give  them  full  security. 


"  To-morrow  the  people  of  Canada  will  rest 
from  their  latnurs  on  one  of  three  hundred 
odd  days  devoted  to  Imsine-.s." 

Victoria  Daily  Times,  B.C. 

We  need  hardly  point  out  to  our 
readers  that  this  affects  only  the 
Irish  population  of  the  Dominion. 


FOG  FANCIES.- 

[The  more  obvious  of  the  following  pithy 
items  "  culled  from  all  sources  "  are  placed  at 
the  service  of  those  contemporaries  who  have 
furnished  us  with  the  original  matter.] 

A  FEATURE  of  the  fog  was  the  ex- 
treme difficulty  of  distinguishing  one 

star  from  another. 

*  *  *  * 

Policemen  were  not  infrequently 
asked  the  way  by  people  who  had  no 

idea  of  their  whereabouts. 

*  *  *  * 

While  the  Metropolis  was  enve- 
loped' in  its  murky  pall  it  is  interest- 
ing to  note  that  Madeira  was  enjoy- 
ing several  hours  of  bright  sunshine. 

*  *  *  * 

At  midday  it  was  like  midnight; 
tho  Temple  pigeons  were  deceived 
into  going  to  roost,  and  the  Inner 
Temple  clock  was  heard  to  strike 

twelve. 

*  *  *  * 

Fog  is  a  great  leveller.  At  Buck- 
ingham Palace  it  was  just  as  thick 

as  at  Bethnal  Green. 

*  *  *  * 

In  the  restaurants  in  Fleet  Street 
and  elsewhere  people  ordered  suppers 


instead  of  lunches,  and  at  Somerset 
House  the  officials  were  just  begin- 
ning to  wake  up  at  the  time  when 
they  should  have  been  asleep  at  their 

duties. 

»  *  *  * 

It  is  estimated  that  Fog  costs  Lon- 
don 8«.  lOd.  per  minute.  This  is  for 
the  best  quality ;  we  have,  however, 
a  cheaper  line  at  '2s.  ;"></. 

*  *  *  * 
Prebendary    CARLILE'S    topic    next 

Sunday  at  St.  Marv-iit-Hill  will  be 
the  "Fog  Fiend." 

*  *  *  * 

It  is  not  generally  known 

[Then  let 's  keep  it  dark.— ED.] 


Secular  Education. 

"  It  was  not  the  man  who  said  in  effect  that 
with  so  little  as  ten  talent*  he  rould  not  do 
anything,  but  be  who  did  the  bet>t  he  could 
with  one  talent,  who  received  commendation  as 

faithful  servant,  and  bad  greater  means  en- 
trusted to  him." — The  Tinut  Leading  Article. 

The  Times  Book  Club  should  keep 
for  reference  a  copy  of  the  Book 
from  which  the  parable  in  question 
comes. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


27,  1907. 


Local  ilagnatf  (about  to  try  hit  hand  v,th  a  pick  on  occarion  of  fir*  ci,U  to  eoal-miM).  "  I'M  AFRAID  I  SHAN'T  JUKE  «cca  or  A  JOB  or  IT." 
Uinrr  "Bi-r  THA'LL  BE  ABLE  TO  BAT  nu's  TSIED  TO  DO  a  HOSEBT  BIT  o*  WORK  ros  ONCE  is  THA  LIKE!  " 


LES    MALADES    IMAGINAIRES. 

(Pranked  by  a  rteent  r'u'U  to  a  hydropathic 


A  MONTH  ago  the  image 

Of  manly  strength  was  I; 
I  feared  no  Rugby  scrimmage, 

I  feared  no  Soccer  tie  ; 
My  muscles  were  of  iron, 

Mv  nerves  I  did  not  know  — 
I  matched  the  types  of  MYRON 

A  Httle  month  ago. 

But  gone  are  all  my  glories, 

For  in  the  hydro  JONES 
Began  to  tell  mo  stories 

Of  feelings  in  his  bones; 
In  damp  autumnal  weather 

They  shake  with  all  their  might, 
And  clatter  BO  together 

He  cannot  sleep  at  night. 

Then  Mrs.  J.  was  yearning 

To  tell  me  of  her  woe; 
One  foot  is  always  burning, 

The  other  cold  as  snow  ; 
Her  nights   are  long,    long   annals 

Of  pain,  despite  h»>r  care  • 


To  swathe  the  one  in  flannels 
And  leave  the  other  bare. 

BROWN'S  symptoms  too  were  horrid; 

IK-  lias  a  crinkly  pain 
That  scarifies  his  forehead 

And  corrugates  his  brain ; 
Then  suddenly — poor  fellow  !- 

It  shoots  right  down  his  back, 
\Vhile  all  his  riba  feel  yellow 

And  all  his  backbone  black. 

His  wife  was  much  ufllicted 

With  cardiac  complaints; 
At  midnight  she  's  addicted 

To  giddiness  and  fai: 
And  when  the  troubles  sci/.e  her 

She  scarce  can  get  relief; 
The  only  thing  to  ease  li<-r 

Is  rounds  of  hot  roast  beef. 

The  wretched  GREEN  (confqund  him  !) 
Sat  in  the  snuggest  chair, 

An  eider-down  strapped  round   him 
And  ulsters  everywhere ; 

The  poker  he  kept  plying, 

now  and  then  he  'u  start 

And  vow  that  he  was  dying 
Of  draughts  about  his  heart. 


SMITH   li:ul  his  finjjer  K'"''" 

Ills    jiilUe,    ttllil'  NO 

I>id  nothing  but  allude  t<> 
The  eolour  of   his  ton 
WllllK's  a«.i!:i   i,i;l,l,i 

BLACK'S  clavicle  fe.  ' 

.  one  has  got  his  troui 
And  1  have  caught  the  ' 

MH.    MA.  VKTNF.Y,    the    surve\ 

•ht'drul,   is 
.  'di7i/  Mail  us  saying  : 

"The  two  towers  are  ou 
the  one  to  the  north  and  the  other  t.>  tin- 
and  the  portico  !ia»  followed  the 
iho  towers,  and  in  addition  ha»  moved  «e§t- 
wards." 

This   is   too   much.      \\V   strongly 
advise  the  Dean  and  Chapter  to  get 
rid  of  it,  and  advertise  for  a  t- 
young  portico  : 


"At  •  remit  of  a  terrific  ctprm  which  has 
raged     in    the    Black     Sea    Vincent    » 

0.,  to  bo  Ilia  Ma  jetty's  Minister  Resident 
at  Caracaa." — \\'cttminttir  Cu 

Surely -this   is   explicit  enough   to 
satisfy  even  Mr.  1J.  C.  I.K\,  M.I'. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-   NOVF.VBBI  27.  1007. 


DEPBESSION   IN   THE   CITY. 

OLD  LADY  or  THREADXEEDLE   STREET  (to  Shade  of  SIR  CHRISTOPHER   WHEN).  "WELL,  SIR,  I  HOPE  YOUR 
MASTERPIECE  ISN'T  GOING  TO  FALL  ON  ME.    I'M  FEELING  FLAT  ENOUGH  AS  IT  IS! 

[St.  Paul's  Cathedral  is  said  to  be  in  a  sinking  condition.] 


NOVEMBEE  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


391 


Nimrod  (liaving  stuck  to  tlte  highway  all  day).  "  LITTLC  HORSE  NOT  COKE  BADLY,  Y'KNOW.    BUT  IN  LEICLSTEIUJDIRF,  NOW,  I  CSE  QV.TI 

IIL'D   ano-v   nL'   II.VT-W  "  7)i^itm     "  Oir     npiTtvV      A  up  TUP   nnina  nivppnvvT  THFVE?" 


ANOTUER  SORT   OF  MOUNT. 


Diana.  "On,  REALLY?    ARE  THE  ROADS  DIFFERENT  THERE?' 


AN    OLD    PARISH    CLERK. 

."  WANT  to  git  inter  the  Chutch,  do  ye?  If  ye  wait 
'ere  a  minute  I'll  go  fetch  the  key."  .  .  .  [Interval,  at 
the  end  of  which  the  speaker  returns  bearing  a  key  of 
Pantomimic  proportions.]  1'  Can't  carry  'im  about  iii 
my  weskit  pocket,  can  I?  Ah,  I  knowed  the  man  as 
made  en,  too.  MELLOWS,  'is  name  wur — blacksmith 
"ere  forty  year  ago.  Ain't  bin  no  MELLOWSES  'bout  'ere 
fur  many  a  year  now.  7  bin  'ere  over  sixty  year. 
Gardener  I  wur  at  fust,  till  they  put  me  inter  the 
Chutch.  Thowt  I  wur  gittin'  old— an'  I  be  older  now, 
by  a  long  way.  'Ow  old  d'ye  take  me  fur?  .  .  .  Past 
that.  Gittin'  on  fur  eighty-three  I  am !  I  've  a-lasted 
out  two  Rectors  a'ready,  an'  this  un  I  expect  '11  last 
me  out.  Though  theer  's  niver  no  tellin' — 'e  's  bin 
failin'  o'  late,  'e  'as.  It  's  common  tark.  An'  me  as 
'ale  's  iver  I  wur  .  .  .  What  d'ye  think  o'  that  fur 
a  bolt,  eh?  A  'ome-made  un,  'e  is  I  .  ;  .'_'  [The  Church 
is  entered.] 

"  Thccr  's  a  arch— bin  'ere  more  'n  a  day  or  two,  that 
arch  have.  Theer  's  bin  a  deal  o'  notice  took  o1  that 
thcer  old  arch  .  .  .  Norman?  Ah,  I  dessay  .'tis— I 
dcssay  'tis.  It 's  old,  anyway. 

"  These  'ere  pews  wur  put  in  in  the  last  Rector's 
time.  Afore  that  they  wur  all  'ighbacked.  Th'ole 
Squire,  'e  wouldn't  hev  his  cleared  away— set  theer  till 
the  last,  'e  did,  all  by  'isself,  and  iolks  did  say  as  'e 
looked  like  a  ass  in  a  'orsebox  in  it — but  niver  in  his 


earm 


"  See  that  theer  door  on  the  north,  in  a  line  with  the 
font?  That 's  the  Devil's  door,  that  is,  an'  I  '11  tell  ye 
fur  why  it  wur  called.  When  ther  wur  a  christeniri' 


that  door  used  to  be  left  open,  BO  's  when  the  Devil 
flew  outer  th'  child,  'e  could  go  out  by  the  door,  'stead 
o'  enterin'  inter  anybody  present.  They  don't  leave  it 
open  no  moor — found  out  it  wurn't  o'  no  use,  1  s'pose. 
Ye  may  christen  a  child  black  in  the  face,  but  ye  can't 
git  the  Devil  out  of  en.  Leastwise,  not  in  thit 
parish !  .  .  . 

"This  is  a  wunnerful  old  figger— a  warrior  'e  wur. 
Went  out  to  them  Crusades,  as  ye  can  see  by  'is  legs 
bein'  crossed.  "Oo  was  he?  Ah,  that  'a  moor  nor  7 
can  tell  ye — bin  dead  a  goodish  while  now.  Niver  "ad 
no  nose  long  as  /  can  remember — whether  doo  to  Time 
or  knocked  off  as  Popery  by  the  Reformation  I  won't 
take  it  on  myself  to  say.  An'  carved  all  over  with 
initials  like  that — it 's  to  be  'oped,  I  'm  sure,  as  'e  can't 
come  back  an'  see  the  liberties  as  hev  bin  took  with 
'im.  An'  doorin'  service  too,  like  as  notl  Young 
Reskils!  .  .  . 

'.'  Mind  'ow  ye  tread  on  that  theer  brass.  That 's 
wunnerful  old,  too— what 's  left  on  it — one  o'  the  riggers 
is  gone,  likewise  the  "ead  o'  the  other— a  female  she  wur, 
if  ye  can  judge  L\y  the  costopm,  but  nothing  to  show  'oo 
they  wur  nor  what  they  wur— though  trouble  enough 
to  clean  up.  .  . 

"  That  tablet  up  on  the  wall  theer  built  the  alms- 
'ouses.  I  dessay  ye  seed  'em  as  ye  come  through  the 
village  ~  .  .  Nothin"  partickler  'bout  'em  as  7  knows  on 
—but  that  tablet,  'e  built  "em,  'e  did  ... 

"  This  alabarster  moniment  wur  put  up  in  memory  of 
Sir  NIC'LAS  DIMES  an'  Dame  MARGERY  his  wife,  repper- 
sented,  as  ye  can  see  for  yerself,  kneelin'  oppersite 
one  another.  Beneath  is  their  fam'ly,  fire  sons  an' 
seven  daughters,  all  done  kneelin'  similar,  though  small. 


392 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  27,  1907. 


Fanf  lies  U--  r<    finii'lii  s  in  them  day*       I  'in  thp  youngest 
o'  fifteen  mvself     mi'  i  i.n.ther,  if  \>  wur  livin' 

now,   'ml  l>e  a  'underd-an'-ti\e.      Thut  '*  u  (,""''1  oil 
eh'.'     Hut  IK-  didn't  li\e  ter  grow  up  — none  of  Yin  didn't. 
.   T 

"  A  fii..-  Ka-t  winder,  ain't  it'.1— put  in  over  fift 
•go.  TliriT 's  colours,  now!- they  don't  mak< 
vi'lcts  an'  greens  an'  horinges  no  i.  in  to  ha' 

he  art  on  it,  like. 

"  Know  what  this  'ere  slit  by  the  Chancel  arch  wiir 
for'.'  ...  A  Bijuint-'ole,  that  is,  fur  the  lepers  to  stand 
outside  an'  look  through,  when  si-rvice  was  going  on. 
Lepers  is  gone  out  long  ago — but  theer  's  the  old  'olc, 
as  good  's  iver  it  wur ! 

"  Maybe  you  '11  'ave  'card  o'  the  lute  Admir'l  Hu- 
WATEB?  .  .  .  Ah  well,  many  a  time  ho  's  iv;id  the  first 
lesson  outer  this  very  book.  It  wur  'ini  'ix>  oj\e  that 
curtain  as  'angs  in  front  o'  the  orgin.  A  barril-or^in  it 
wur  then;  played  with  a  winch.  I  used  ter  play  it,  an' 
I  could  play  thirteen  double-chants  on  it,  1  could— and 
it  's  difficult,  if  you  can  understand  mo.  when  ye  've  got 
to  change  the  key  for  a  recitation  as  quick  as  thought  - 
ah,  quicker 'n  thought,  sometimes!  An'  the  old  Ad- 
mir'l's  pew  bein'  just  oppersite  'e  could  see  all  my 
movements.  So  'e  give  the  curtain.  The  dear  lady 
who  give  the  noo  orgin  married  a  title,  so  she  'ad  a 
lady  to  'er  name  an'  died  on'y  last  month,  she  did. 

"  Now  jest  you  look  wheer  1  'm  a-pointing  to.  That  's 
a  curus  ole  picter,  eh?  Come  upon  it  while  they  wur 
clearin'  off  the  whitewash.  A  frcsker — that  's  what 
they  call  it.  If  you  stand  'ere  you  '11  be  able  to  make 
it  out.  There  's  two  figgers,  d'ye  see,  and  one  on  'em 
appears  to  be  'olding  something,  but  as  to  what  then. 
figgers  is  a-doing  of  there  's  different  opinions.  The 
Rector,  'e  says  it 's  meant  fur  the  founder  persenting 
tbe  title-deeds  to  'is  pattern  saint.  But  I  'ad  a  party 
'ere  the  other  day  who  would  'ave  it  that  it  was  the 
daughter  of  '£BODIAS  dancing  afore  'Eaoo.  It  ain't  for 
me  to  say.  but  if  ye  wur  to  ask  my  'pinion — in  the 
state  it  's  in  now,  it  might  bo  anybody  a-most.  Still, 
sech  as  it  is,  it 's  a  curosity,  as  fur  as  it  goes — as  fur  as 
it  goes.  .  '.  . 

"  That 's  'bout  all  there  is  to  see  in  'ere— onlees 
ye  'd  like  to  go  down  the  cryp'.  We  g'pose  it  to  ha'  been 
the  cryp',  and  it  wur  evidently  used  as  a  charnel-'ouse, 
from  the  number  o'  yurnan  teeth  as  is  found  theer  to 
this  day — the  teeth,  as  you  may  know,  resistin'  decay 
longer  'n  any  other  part — leastwise  in  skellingtons. 

"  Don't  keer  'bout  seein'  the  cryp'?  Then  p'raps 
ye  'd  like  to  go  up  tbe  tower?  .  .  .  No,  I  dunno  as 
theer  's  much  to  be  seen  when  ye  are  up — not  on  a 
day  like  this  .  .  .  Well,  now  I  've  shown  ye  all  I  can — 
an'  I  'ope  I  've  amused  ye  ...  Thank  ye,  Sir,  good 
marnin'— and  nex'  time  ye  're  in  these  parts,  you  mind 
an'  come  'ere,  and  I  'II  take  ye  over  the  Chutch  again. 
Ye  '11  allays  find  me  about  ...  Hi !  don't  ye  forgit  ter 
notice  them  Alms'ouses,  now !  '1  F.  A. 


'  Fi.Msr 


Out. 
1 


Not 


TbUl     ATM***. 
Run*. 
5          2" 

The  GUH*. 

Perhaps  a  sounder  method  of  calculation  is  to  add 
the  highest  score  to  the  number  of  letters  in  the 
batsman's  name  and  divide  by  the  total  runs. 


Commercial  Turpitude. 
A  BETTER  WIT. 

"Don't  Suffocate  your  Uby.     UM  '•  Safety   Sootier* ; 

,  14  to  M."-Tht  Star. 


from 


TIIlNiis   BEEN; 
OB.   !  MMSTS  OJ:T  TIIK.IK  LOCAL  COLOI  R. 

indtird  of   the   'Jlst    illst   ,   one   of 

k  and  1      it  gifted  "f  all  our  English  novelists  " 

y    spent    se\en   days   in   some    "dark,    tiny,    but 

t  in  \Yhitochapol.  "      In 

explaining-   the  :   his  mission   "  to  some   friends 

at   the   Athoiitpuin   Club"   !••  '\\ards.    he 

recounted  the  following  e\;  — 

"  Yesterday,  as  I  chanced  to  walk  across  torn*  moor*  nor  my  I.  m •• 
I  saw  my  coachman  appear  suddenly  ahead  of  mo,  coming  out  ••(  ih<- 
sky,  it  seemed,  with  a  forkful  of  liar.  All  at  once  I  MI;  •  I.  I  realised 
in  a  flash  the  truth  of  the  words  of  the  wine  Ainctii  :m  who  said.  ' '  >  • 
likca  to  come  to  a  place  -.••>  about 

tlr  v    i],\  with  some  of   •  •>•«•  tliat  belong  to  him.' 

I  did  not  go  about  there  j  i-l  seeing  a  ni  > 

1  saw  him  at  y.  with  n  \ 

soul  lying  out  all  around  liiin,  with  his  ;is|.iri»ii.nin  nnd 
learn  sculptured  in  the  hilU.  Of  course,  ">•  all  have  t 
town  to  IH-IIC-VO  tlmi  a  in  ;.  infinite;  but  now,  !»••  .m-«-  1  "  .M 

.    th<  n1  in   Ins  hlunm,   I  have  rr- 
follow  him  into  the  K... 

recognise  tliat  I  cannot  trust  i  oper  local  colour  ab-mt 

present-day  environment  in  my  n.>\d." 

It  is  a  curious  faet  that  tl>  ans  an  isolated 

case.        Several    eminent   writers   hu  :ly    undor- 

gone  similar  experiences,  as  m.\\  i   from  the 

following  brief  record. 

Mrs.    ELIOT    SAND,    t!  '    romance 

writer,  has  now  made   all    her   ana: 
into  retreat  in  one  of  the  heehi\>  on  the  (Ireater 

Skellig.  The  incident  which  induced  her  to  take  this 
momentous  step  had  Le--t  1..-  rel.it'  ,1  in  her  own  words. 
"  Last  week,  as  I  was  deer-stalking  in  one  of  my 
forests  in  Scotland,  I  saw  my  chef  in  an  aer 
circling  round  and  round  at  an  altitude  of  about  1,'XHi 
feet.  On  communicating  this  extraordinary  experience 
to  my  medical  adviser,  he  at  once  advised  that  1  should 
go  into  a  rest  cure  for  thr.  Highclifte  ' 

being  unfortunately  occupied,  it  occurred  to  me  that  I 
might   combine   tranquillity    with    the   accumulation  of 
local  colour  by   a  sojourn  on   the   Skelligs,    where    tin? 
scene  of  my  new  novel  of  mediieval  monastic  life  is  to 
be  laid.     The  accommodation  in  my  beehive  hut  is  ex- 
tremely limited,  but  Messrs.  \Vn.i.ow  AND  (ILAHIXH,  who 
are  already  at  work  on  the  spot,  hope  to  complete  the 
decorations  in  the  course  of  the  next  week.     1  m,. 
that  some  friends  have  kindly  invited  me  to  a  fa 
dinner  at  the  Coliseum  Clu!  which  M. 

MAETERLINCK    has    politely    pr  M    deliver    an 

address  on  beehive  houses." 

A  weird  psychical  appearance  is  res|.oii.silil,.  f, ,r  the 
sudden  departure  from  London  of  Mr.  CI\NIIIONY 
FAITIIFULL,  the  most  brilliant  of  our  younger  novelists. 
Mr.  FAITIUTI.!.  ntly  motoring  in  his  new  so  h  p. 

Bonzoline-Popoff  car  when,  JIM   as  he  had  reached  the 
summit  of  Hindhend,  h  fronted  l'\   a  n.a; 

policeman    floating     in     mid-air  -  the     italics     are     Mr. 
I-'AITIIKULI.'S  own.     Ili>  liist  imjmls  slnx.t   the 

monster  with  a  back-firing  pom-pom,  without  which  he 
never  travels;  but  on  second  thoughts  lie  deeidi  d  to 
return  to  Ilarley  Street  and  consult  a  leading  specialist. 
As  the  result  of  a  careful  examination,  Mr.  FAITIH n.i. 
1  to  Start  fbr  Iceland  the  next  day,  where  h,- 
hopes  simultaneouHly  to  keep  his  head  e<H>l  and  c<  11,-ct 
data  for  his  next  book.  His  doctor  is  of  opinion  that 
if,  as  is  possible,  Mr  FAITIIITI.I.  should  happen  to  meet 
a  real  mammoth  in  the  Arctic  regions,  it  would 


NOVEMBER  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


333 


FREE 
TRADE 


MR.    BALFOURS    NIGHTMARE. 

HE   IS   HELD  UP   ON   THE   KlNO's   HIGHWAY   BY  AS  INDIVIDUAL  WHOSE   APPEARANCE   SEEMS  SOMEHOW    FAMILIAR. 


effectually  dispel  the  recollection  of  the  terrible  vision 
which  he  beheld  on  Hindhead. 

Mr.  HORACE  MEWLETT,  whose  wonderfully  full- 
blooded  novels  have  earned  for  him  the  title  of  the 
"  Twentieth-Century  Troubadour,"  has  let  his  house  in 
Grosvenor  Square  for  the  next  three  months,  and  with- 
drawn to  his  beautiful  bungalow  in  the  Canary  Islands. 
Mr.  MEWLETT'S  retirement  from,  the  metropolis  has 
naturally  created  some  surprise,  but  it  is  adequately  ex- 
plained by  the  statement  which  he  has  circulated,  along 
with  P.P.C.  cards,  amongst  his  numerous  circle  of 
friends.  Returning  home  the  other  evening  from  watch- 
ing a  football  match  between  the  Crusaders  and  the 
Barbarians,  Mr.  MEWLETT  was  startled  on  entering  his 
house  to  find  a  gigantic  green  Saracen  with  a  pink  battle- 
axe  sitting  on  the  stairs.  With  great  presence  of  mind, 
Mr .  MEWLETT  telephoned  for  a  constable  from  the 
police-station,  but  on  his  arrival  the  Saracen  had  dis- 
appeared, and  could  not  be  found  anywhere.  Next  day 
Mr.  MEWLETT  consulted  the  great  Byzantine  alienist, 
Mr.  HARRY  FREDERICKSON,  and  within  twenty-four  hours 
was  on  his  way  to  the  Great  Canary. 


The   "Daily  Mail"  on  the  late  Duke  of  Portland'*  Bu»t. 

"  The  eyes  are  wide,  and  suggest  the  intent  look  of  the  enthusiast ; 


the  mouth  stem,  uncompromising,  and  determined ;  the  face  of  a 
looking  out  upon  a  world  that  is  his  own  to  do  with  as  he  liken,  a  face 
so  lifelike  that  it  might  speak,  but  it  does  not" 

The  last  four  words  of  this  noble  pen-picture  will 
come  as  a  shock  to  many.  After  all  these  years  it  is 
hard  to  learn  that  a  "  speaking  likeness  "  is  only  just 
a  trade  term,  and  that  none  of  them  actually  says 
anything  at  all. 

The  Great  Cowman  Mystery  Solved. 

"Cowman  wanted;  must  be  used  to  cows." — 
Altrincham  Ouardian. 


In  a  report  of  a  fire  which  "  by  some  unfortuitons 
circumstance  "  destroyed  the  premises  of  a  draper,  the 
Ballymena  Observer  says,  '.'  There  was  only  one  line  of 
hose  available."  This  lack  of  enterprise  was  rather 
lucky  in  the  circumstances. 


SOI 


PUNCII,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVKHBEB  27,    l'J07. 


THE    GLORIOUS    GAME. 

"  THK  weather,"  siiiil  Miss  MIDDLE- 
brastly.      I  'in   never  going 
nit  in  it  again       In  fact   I   shu' 
my    boots."       She    drew    her    chair 
closer  to  the  fire  ami  sluv.  • 

"  And  I  was  just  going  to  ask  you 
to  come  into  the  garden,"  I  said. 

"Oh,  but  wl 

"  I  don't  know,  hut  I  fancy  that 
there  is  more  going  on  out  there  than 
you  think." 

"  If  it  'a  a  game  of  any  kind,  I  'in 
on,"  said  Miss  MIDDLETON,  getting 
up  slowly. 

"  It  is  a  game,  the  best  of  all 
games.  You  '11  want  your  sunshade, 
I  expect." 

"  If  you  ...  it  isn't  .  .  .  what — 
oh,  very  well.    Come 
it'.-  Of. 

We  picked  up  a 
sunshade  and  ft 
Panama  in  the  hall, 
and  went  outside. 

"Not  a  flower 
left,"  said  Alias 
MIDDLETON.  "  That  "B 
the  sort  of  month 
we  are." 

We  came  to  a 
large  round  bed — 
empty  save  for  a 
small  shrub  of  some 
kind,  which  leant  up 
against  a  stick.  I 
took  this  out  very 
carefully. 

"  You  mustn't  do 
that,"  said  Miss 
Minni.KTus. 

"  It  's  all  right,  it 
isn't  growing.  I 
could  tell  it  wasn't, 
you  know." 

"  But  he  was  lean- 
ing up  against  it." 

"  Well,  he  's  old  enough  to  walk 
by  himself  now.  Is  there  anything 
else  in  this  bed?  You  know,  some- 
times there  's  nothing  on  the  top, 
but  all  sorts  of  things  arc  happening 
underneath.  Gardeners  think  a  good 
deal  of  that,  I  believe." 

"  I  don't  think  there  's  anything. 
But,  after  all,  we  can  only  find  out 
definitely  by  trying." 

"  Quite  so." 

I  took  my  Btick  and  pushed  it  into 
the  soil.  When  I  brought  it  away, 
there  was  a  small  hole  left,  about  a 
foot  deep.  I  turned  to  Miss 
MIDDLE-TON. 

"  I  have  only  just  begun  it,  of 
course,  but,  if  we  went  on  long 
enough,  do  you  know  what  we  should 
find  at  the  end?" 

~no." 
"  HOBBS,"  I  said. 


looked  at  me   thoughtfully   for 
little;    then    very   slowly    a   Binile 

she    said. 

Hi  n  ii:- 
So    do    I,    of  (  Inly    Holms 

was  more  dramatic.    I  couldn't 
starting  with  him.    Jlut  now  I  pushed 
-tiek    into    the    ground    again. 
'  There  's   Ilin  iMNiis."   I   said. 
Miss   Minni.i  I.IN    knelt   down,   and 

i     ri^-ht   through  to  Australia. 
"  Oh,    g.H,d   shot!  " 

•,o  old  drive.  I  shall  never 
know  how  that  's  done.  It  isn't  all 
wrist,  and  yet  there  's  no  follow 
through.  By  Jove,  a  sixer,  wasn't 
it?" 

"  '  HfTi -IHNOS    opens    his    shoul- 
ders,' '      quoted     Miss     MIDM 


kerchief    and  mopped  my  brow. 
Minni.KToN  put  up  her  sunshade.     (1 


dreamily  from  the  next  day's  head- 
lines. '  HUTCHIXOS  then  'opened 
his  shoulders  and  hftrd  COTTER  over 
the  ring. — Renter.'  ' 

"'The  Kentish  amateur  appears 
to  have  been  in  his  finest  form,'  "  I 
added.  "  '  One  of  -his  strokes,  when 
he  opened  his  shoulders  to  COTTER, 
and  lifted  that  bowler  over  the  ring 
being  reminiscent  of  his  best  form 
for  the  hop  county.  Comments  on 
the  game.  By  Wanderer.'  ' 

HCTCHIXGS  —  shoulder  —  COT- 
TER— ring.'  Cabled  at  enormous  ex- 
pense by  our  special  correspondent 

with    the    team.       Another   four 

oh,  you  angel  1  " 

"  Ninety.  Only  ten  more  ...  Oh 
you — hooray,  dropped  him.  Well, 
it  wasn't  really  a  chance  you  know, 


'     Ninety-four 


Oh,  Isay, 


this  is  awful."     1    •   ok  out  a  hand- 


she would  want  it.) 

"  Ninety-eight,"  hhe  said,  "  und 
he  *s  lost  the  howling.  Oh,  tr/io  '» 
the  man  at  tl  =  nd?  " 

1  pushed  my  stiek  into  the  ground. 

"  BAHM.S,"  I  said.  "Oh,  don't 
he  on  ass,  \  •  run  two  for 

that.     Oh   well,   of  course,   you   can 
if  you   like,  only  you  M   much   i 
i.  t     HiTciustis     make     his    century 
first.      Yes,  I  suppose  we  do  want  to 
make  as  many  as  possible,   but  one 
run    won't    make     all     that    differ 
ence    .    .    .    Good     shot  —  a     three 

"  Y-  s,  that  ought  to  be  three.  .  . 
Run  up  —  run  up.  Go  on  —  another 
easily  .  .  .  Only  two—  oh,  that  '» 
absurd.  We  want 
can  get 

.  .  .  Good  —  there  'a 
a  one.  Now  then. 
Well.  I  -  It  'a 
'over':  " 

I  got  up  and  took 
my  coat  off. 

I  can't  stand  any 
more  of  this.  Let  's 
smother  H  \KNKS.  Say 
the  wc.nl,  and  I  'il 
transplant  a  chrysan- 
themum on  to  him." 
"  No,  it  'sail  right," 
cried  Miss  MIDIU.I:- 
TON.  "  I/ook  at 
HrTcm«os  again. 
He  's  got  the  bowl- 
ing ...  Good  shot  ! 
A  century  I  Hooray  ! 
.  .  I  say,  I  am 
thirsty.  Let  's  go 
and  have  something 
iced." 

We  weren't  ver\ 
long  over  our  drinks, 
but  a  good  deal 
seemed  to  have  happened  in  the 
time. 

"  By  Jove,"  I  said  as  we  took  our 
seats  again,  "  they  're  all  out.  Look, 
there  'H  FIELDER  bowling." 

"Who    are    those    in    the    slips? 
Where's    your    stick?       Now    then 
.  .  .  Yes,   I  thought  so.        HHAIND, 
CRAWFORD,  and  JOXKR.     Well  fi 
I  say,  who  's  batti; 

1  dug  my  stick  in  the  bed  and 
looked  very  carefully.  At  first  I 
could  only  see  the  blazing  sun,  the 
hard  blue  sky,  and  (vaguely)  an  im 
mense  crowd  around  the  dried-up 
grass  of  the  outfield  ;  but,  as  I  got 
the  focus  properly,  one  figure  in  the 
centre  of  the  ground  stood  out.  Id 
was  not  what  I  shall  call  a  pretty 
bat,  but  useful  undoubtedly.  Some- 
thing about  him  struck  me  a* 
familiar. 


NOVEMBER  27,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


395 


"  Heavens,"  I  said,  "  it  can't  1m  !  ' 
"What     can't    be?"    said     Miss 


Are 


we 


It 


"  Look  IHTP,  and  tell  me  who  you 
think  that  is." 

She  <4:i/<  il  for  a  long  time;  then 
she  turned  to  mo  with  a  look  of  awe 
on  her  face. 

"  But  it  can't  be,"  she  said. 

"  Go  on,  say  it." 

"  But  it's  so  absurd.  Ho  isn't  in 
Australia." 

"  Who  isn't?" 

"Oh,   let  'B  say  it  together. 
you  ready  ?      Now  !  '  ' 

"  GAUKRODGEII,"    we  said. 

"  But  of  course  it  can't  be," 
added.     "  Let  me  look  again." 

1    put    my    eye    to    the    hole 
and  then  1  had  an  inspiration. 

"  I've    got    it!  "    I    cried. 
isn't  GAUKUODUF.U,  it's  CARKEEK  ! 

"  Let  me  look.    Of  course!    Hallo, 
he  's  out.     Well  caught,  FANE.       1 
say,  you  know,  HOBBS  isn't  playing, 
and     yet     it     was     HOBBS     you— 
Where  is  that  first  hole  you  made?  " 

I  went  over  to  it. 

"Well'.'  " 

"  I  "m  very  sorry,"  I  said.  "  No, 
that  wasn't  HOBBS." 

"  Who  was  it?" 

"  It  wasn't  HOBBS.  It  was  some- 
thing the  gardener  wanted  there,  I 

think." 

*  *  *  * 

And  yet  there  is  still  a  mystery 
about  it  to  me.  For,  at  the  tea 
interval,  Miss  MIDDLETON  held  to 
it  that  it  was  HOBBS,  and  that  he 
was  substituting  for  somebody.  This, 
she  said  the  gardener  had  told  her, 
was  not  the  month  for  having  things 
under  the  ground. 

But  for  myself  I  am  convinced 
that  it  was  not  HOBBS.  I  think  it 
was  some  little  fellow,  geranium  or 
what  not,  who  had  by  some  mis- 
uhanco  been  overlaid.  Or  possibly  he 
had  come  up  in  what  he  supposed 
would  be  the  summer,  and  (sick  of 
it  all)  had  gone  back  to  bed  again. 

But  not  HOBBS.  A.  A.  M. 

THE    SUBTLE    SENSE. 
(From  an  MS.  of  the  future.) 

IN  the  year  2000  A.D.  there  lived 
in  London  a  humorist.  He  was  a 
pale  and  serious  man,  for  he  had 
evolved,  read,  seen,  or  heard  every 
variation  and  sub-variation  (unto 
ten  thousand  times  ten  thousand)  of 
each  of  the  great  original  jokes  of 
the  world.  (And  of  these  last  there 
are  but  seven.) 

It  was  the  aim  of  this  man's  life 
to  dissect,  compare,  and  gather  into 
one  book  the  different  manifesta- 
tions of  the  sense  of  humour  in  all 


' 


AN    ECHO    FROM    OLYMPIA. 

Stall  Attendant  (after  anticeriny  old  gent's  innumerable  inquiries  as  to  properties,  qualities 
and  prices  of  lulrricating  oil).  '  MIGHT  I  ASK,  SIB,  WHAT  SOBT  or  CAB  IOCBS  18  ?  " 

Old  dent.  "  CAB  ?    On,  1  HAVEN'T  GOT  i  OAR.     I  WAS  OXLT  JCST  WOSDEUINO  if  IT  wocu» 

DO   FOB  «T  LAWS-MOWBM."  


the  nations  of  earth;  and  half  his 
days  had  been  spent  in  wandering 
round  this  planet.  But  the  humour 
of  Mars  was  as  yet  unknown,  and 
thither  he  flew  to  test  the  natives. 

Day  by  day  the  Martians  came 
and  listened  to  his  readings.  They 
heard  Adam's  epigram  on  the  apple; 
the  first  pun,  and  the  penalty; 
Ptolemy's  snub  to  his  butler; 
Diogenes'  apostrophe  to  the  splinter; 
of  the  trick  played  on  Justinian  by 
the  emancipated  daughter;  the 
story  of  Canute  and  the  dry  socks; 
of  the  dumb  slave's  gesture  to  the 
Caliph  of  Baghdad,  and  how  the 
horse-dealer  swindled  Charlemagne. 
Also  sundry  boudoir  stories  of  later 
Europe,  and  the  keenest-edged  japes 
from  new  America. 

The  Martians  listened  unmoved, 
and  said  his  Esperanto  had  a  slight 
terrestrial  accent.  On  the  ninth 
day  the  man  gave  in.  His  eyes  were 


strained  with  watching  for  the  smile 
that  did  not  come  off,  and  he  said 
"  Good-bye  "  in  a  husky  whisper. 

Enormous  crowds  gathered  to  see 
him  go,  and  in  silence  they  watched 
the  airship  rise  200  ft.  Then  the 
engine  blew  up.  The  traveller, 
thrown  high  above  the  car,  per- 
formed somersaults  in  the  air;  and 
at  that  sight  there  burst  from 
every  Martian  throat  a  great  shout 
of  laughter,  so  that  the  noise  of  it 
was  as  the  noise  of  thunder.  In 
his  flight  the  man  was  observed  to 
be  writing.  His  pocket-book,  pro- 
duced at  the  inquest,  contained 
these  words: — "  Martians' — humour 
— tame— as — English." 

Mr.  HARRY  DE  WINDT  has  just  pub 
lished  Moles  and  their  Meaning.     Mr. 
WILLIAM  LE  QUEUX  will  please  follow 
with  Ichneumons  and  their  Inward- 
ness. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  27,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Cfrrfcj.) 

REGARDED  as  a  work  of  fiction,   Lady  Anne   (V.    V 
WIIITKI   has  two  distinctions,    the   coil: 
ing   wide  success.       Its   plot   ia   n> 

iiioiit   in   tlu'  f    Mr.    MOHUY    !  \ 

principal   conimandiug   cL  tin- 

f  n  dead  man.       Sir  //,j/c,   a  Colonial 

•  rnor,    died    at    his    post    whilst    still    in    the    prime 
.f    lifo   and    in    full    renown.      His    praise    WHS    on    the 
lips    of    all    men    and    many    women,    mon-    fer\ciitly 
in    the    latter    OB  so.       Xo    whisper    of    scandal     ru: 
the    current   ol   his    public    or    private    life        1 
liked  him,    and   all    w  iy   to   pay   tribute    to   his 

personal  charm  and  hi«  miming-  opacity.       His 

wife,   who  iiiui   Uirough   long  years  of  married 

life,  d.         M  .  his  memory  in  the 

form  of  a  biography,  mission  upon 

his  private  secniaiy,  ll(ct^r  I>urant,  who  enthu- 
siastically aoce] : •  d  it. 

Up  to  now  this  is  commonplace;  but  Mr.  MOKLKY 
ROBERTS  knows  how  to  stir  sluggish  streams  lly 
degrees  the  truth  come*  out  that  Sir  George  Unit 
a  libertine.  A  certain  bookcase  in  his  library  was  tilled 
with  letters  chit-fly  from  young  girls.  Of  thes-  were 
Lady- Anne,  loved  by  and  loving  the  Secretary  who  had 
undertaken  to  write  tho  biography.  Another  was 
Felicia,  Lady  II ale's  companion  and  friend,  affianced  to 
the  doctor  in  attendance  on  Sir  George  Ilale't  death- 
bed. Sir  tiiorge,  knowing  he  was  about  to  die,  sent  to 
Lady  Anne  the  key  of  the  bookcase,  with  instructions  to 
clear  out  1.  *  before  other  hands  fell  upon  them. 

Actor-managers  on  the  look-out  for  a  new  piece  might 
do  worse  than  read  the  chapter  in  which  Lady  Anne, 
entering  the  library  in  the  dead  of  night,  finds  not  only 
her  own  letters,  but  a  bundle  written  I  ,  who 

interrupts  her  search.  Whilst  the  two  are  making  pre- 
parations to  burn  the  packets,  enter  the  Secretary.  The 
other  onlooker  at  a  scene  of  singular  dramatic  force  is 
the  •good  Sir  George,  beaming  on  the  scared  midnight 
company  from  the  canvas  over  the  mantelpiece. 

I  have  two  SARAHS  on  my  list :  Sarah,  the  Valiant, 
by  THEODOBA  WILSON  WILSON  (ALSTON  RIVERS),  and 
Memoirt  of  Sarah  Bernhardt  (HEINEMANN).  Let  me 
take  first  the  Sarah  who  has  been  written  about  by 
THEODOBA,  and  then  pass  on  to  the  other,  who  has 
represented  Theodora  and  Fedora  and  Adrienne  and 
Hamlet  and  countless  others.  Sarah,  the  Valiant, 
is  a  fresh  and  breezy  story,  told  with  much  simple 
vivacity.  That  it  should  be  so  pleasantly  young  and 
sprightly  is  creditable  to  the  THEODORA  who  wrote  it, 
for  she  has  already  been  responsible  for  seven  stories, 
and  is  evidently  unexhausted.  The  other  SARAH  has 
written  her  memoirs  with  some  candour  and  much 
animation.  Many  of  her  stories  are  highly  entertaining. 
She  was  followed  through  America  by  a  showman  w  l..i 
exhibited  a  dead  whale,  preserved  with  salt  and  ice, 
an  the  identical  animal  which  SARAH  HJ.KMIAKHT  had 
killed  by  tearing  out  its  whalebone  for  her  corsets.  !!• 
was  advertising  a  corset-maker,  and  at  every  stopping 
place  he  insisted  on  presenting  tho  loathing  n 
with  a  bouquet.  At  Montreal  the  poet 
FRECHETTE,  on  her  arrival,  recited  to  her  an  original 
poem  of  welcome  in  eight  stanzas  of  eight  lines 
It  was  an  excellent  poem  and  most  complimentary, 
but  she  had  to  listen  to  it  in  the  open-air  in  a  tempera- 
ture twenty-two  degrees  below  zero.  Sffe  fainted,  but 


was  picked  tip  out  of  the  crowd  and  borne  to  her 

i>y  n  i  s  strong  man  (name  not  given)  who  was 

at  other   moments,    apparently,    an   assa*-::-        At    any 

was  hanged  four  months  later.    The  illus>ti 
to  I  lie  book  are  very  good. 

F.Mir     II  latest    book    is    called    That    Littlf 

/    and    is    published    Iy    I.  V.  n 

see   that   there   is   a  doubt  about   the   till' 
and    t:  own    mind,    a   doubt   about 

the  sex  of  the  author.     The  punctuation,   among  otln  r 

•:    that    this    is    a    Miss 

:          R;    on    tin-    oth'-r    hand    tln«r  •  (••lightfiilly 

le   vein   of   humour   ii  Jogue    which    1 

ha\e    n..t    I'-arnt    to    e\pi-ct    in    the   work    of    a    u 
On   the  principle   that  a   w.  iKl   ratln-r   I 

taken  for  a  man  than  a  man  for  a  woman,   I   shall  call 
the  author  Mr.    llr^si.v,  though,  of  course,   1   ki 
ue    that    she      ...      II 

-  our  liiusillii  Lambert,  sportsman,  tom- 
boy,  and  perfect  woman,   who  can   ride   like-   an 
knock  down  a  brute  w  i 

mend  a  clock,  play  the  organ,  skin  and  tn.ss  a  rabbit, 
make  her  own  clothes,   and  full  in   love       I 
there  never  was  such  a  darling  .t    Mr. 

HUSSEY  should  not  have  call,  d   his  book   That   Little 

1    In  the  first  place  it  is  not  p  ir  like 

Drunilla,  and  in  the  second  place  it  is  difficult  to  ask  for 
a  novel  with  a  title  like  that.     1  iy,   1  am  sure, 

will  want  to  ask  for  it.     I  do  hope  they  won't  call  it 
That  little  Hussy.   

My  Merry  Rockhurst,  latest  born 

Of  E.  and  AGNES  CASTLE'S  books, 
Tells  of  tho  Restoration's  morn — 

Qo  to  1     Oddsbodikins  I     Qadzooks  1 

M.'ssrs.  SMITH,  ELDER  publish  it; 

King  CHARLES  THE  SECOND  wanders  through, 
Lax,  dignified,  a  rake,  a  wit— 

Oddsbodikins  1     Oadzooks !     Go  to  I 

Thrills  upon  thrills  in  mad  career 
Keep  moving,  till  the  best  man  wins, 

All  in  the  proper  atmosphere- 
Qadzooks  I     Qo  to  1     Oddsbodikins  I 


It  is  not  often  that  one  has  the  chance  even  to  rent, 
much  less  purchase  outright,  a  whole  moor  for  Gn.  net, 
but  the  offer  is  now  open   to  readers  of  Towards   the 
Dait-n   (MURRAY),   by  Mr.   HALLIWELI.   SUTCLHKK,    who 
gives  us  the  pick  of  the  Yorkshire  uplands  in  two  green 
covers    and    less    than    a    couple    of    hundred    1 
Every  mood  of  his  wild  country  be  ti.ir.-s  with  a  ] 
affectionate  care,  till  even  the  la/.iest   arm-chair 
is  forced  to  resign  himself  to  the  long  journey  up 
and  taste  the  fresh  air  whether  he  will  or  no.      I 
plot  I  can't  say  so  much.     If  only  C'/(ri.sfe////i  r  lln 
said   at   the   beginning   (and   tin 
why  he  should  not),  "Cheer  up,   Xiclmlas    [or  A 
mine,    as    Aliiton   calls   him],    I    am    only    bin  in- 
mortgages  to  n  •.(  of  thi  end." 

there  would   IK,  for  tin-  sreivt   in;: 

that  caused   such   a   lot  of  worry   and    snspi  HM-.      I:.: 
without  the  story,  of  course,  tin-re  could  ha- 
book,  and   it   would   be   niggardly   to   h.i. 

.nical     situations     when     one  lit     to 

r    on     "  Lone     Man's     Ileigl  r     the 

"  Eunter'l    Wind"    and    the    music    of    "Kirk 
Hollow,"  and  oven  to  range  as  far  as  the  Westmoreland 


BBCI  MI-.I  i;   1,  1007.J 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


•07 


i       ;.< 


LONG-FELT   WANTS. 

"Hits.  BORE-BROWKI.    Our  2»D  AND  4ra  WEDKESDAYS." 


THE   BUMP   OF   LOCOMOTION. 

["Motoring,"  said  Sir  ALFRED  FRIPP,  "has 
done  good  by  quickouing  the  intelligence  of 
the  ordinary  wayfarer.  Bicycling  began  to 
hammer  in  the  truth  of  the  idea  that  it  is  better 
to  go  about  with  one's  eyes  and  ears  open 
rather  than  shut,  and  motoring  has  completed 
the  process,  being  responsible,  too,  for  the 
<  nMticm  iu  them  all  of  a  new  seuae — of 
traffic."] 

How  true  this  truth  is ! — Those  of  us 
Who  aren't  yet  dead  are  now  be- 
coming 

Quite  wide-awake,  and  cease  to  cuss 
The  scorching  car  and  skidding  bus 
Through  London  humming. 

We  're  getting  on — we  've  learnt  the 

knack 
Of     squinting     and     of     rearward 

vision ; 

Jur  panoramic  eyes  attack 
Flic  feat  of  crossing  every  track 
With  some  precision. 

We  're  schooled  to  breathe  the  dusty 

trail, 

When  by  a  road-hog  overtaken, 
And  snilt   the  petrol-laden  gale, 


While   "  honk  "   and  hoot  our  ears 

assail, 
With  nerve  unshaken. 

But  when  with  supertraffic,  dense 
And    diving    down,     the    sky    is 

thickened, 

Our  motorists'  intelligence 
Itself  will  need  an  extra  sense — 
Or  meet  a  quick  end  I 

HOW   TO   LIVE   TO  200. 

The  Daily  Mail,  which  knows  all, 
has  been  telling  its  readers  how  to 
live  to  100 — partly  with  the  assist- 
ance of  M.  METCHNIKOFF'S  new 
book,  and  partly  with  that  of  aged 
philosophers  now  living  who  are  well 
on  the  way  to  the  desired  century. 
But  what  is  100?  Let  us  live  to  be 
200  at  least,  and  then  we  shall  see 
many  things.  We  may,  for  example, 
then  know  who  is  to  be  the  new 
Bishop  of  CHICUESTER,  and  what  will 
become  of  the  waste  place  in  the 
Strand,  and  what  will  be  the  fate  of 
Mr.  THAW. 

To  this  end   Mr.   Punch   sent  out 


reply-paid  telegrams,  some  of  tliu 
answers  to  which  are  printed 
below: — 

General  BOOTH  (79).  Take  my 
rules  for  living  to  100  in  Daily  Mail 
and  double  them.  That  is  to  Bay, 
have  two  good  consciences;  spend 
only  half  your  income;  eat  twice  as 
little  as  possible;  and  drink  double 
doses  of  water. 

Mr.  C.  B.  FKY  (35).  Run  no  risks 
with  the  bowling. 

Sir  FREDERICK  TKEVES  (5-1).  Never 
be  ill. 

Mr.  G.  B.  SHAW  (61).  Take  care 
of  your  body.  Avoid  all  meat;  go  to 
the  Savoy  only  to  laugh ;  never 
even  speak  to  a  doctor. 

Mr.  E.  J.  ODELL  (176).  Never 
worry  about  your  health ;  take  things 
as  they  come. 

PRINCE  OLAF  (5).  Come  carefully 
of  Royal  parentage  and  be  mi 
looked  after. 

Mr.  Punch  would  add  a  recom- 
mendation of  his  own  to  all  who  u  ish 
to  live  to  200  or  longer.  It  is  briefly 
this — Never  say  dio. 


:    - 


Pl'NCH,   OR   THK   LONPnN    « '!!  AIMVARI. 


ri.AYS     CKNSol:r.l>     AND     UN- 
(  r.NSoKKD. 

Is  Ctfsar  and  Cleopatra  Mr.  HER 
SARD  SHAW  has  set  out  to  kill  a 
brace  and  a  half  of  birds  with  one 
stone,  and  all  three  of  them  have  got 
away  with  just  the  loss  of  a  tail 
feather  or  so.  He  might  have 
content  to  adopt  a  purely  serious 
vein,  and  given  us  a  fresh  historical 
study  of  CAESAR  in  his  relations  with 
CLEOPATRA.  But,  having  part  of  his 
eye  on  the  second  bird,  he  has  chosen 
to  make  CLEOPATRA  a  chit  of  sixteen, 
instead  of  the  grown  woman  that  she 
actually  was  at  the  date  of  CJESAU'S 
appearance  in  Egypt,  and  has 
completely  expunged  the  in- 
timuto  association  of  which 
C.KSARION  was  the  visible  re- 
sult. At  the  end  she  is 
loft  with  the  promise  of 
ANTONY'S  arrival  (historically 
he  is  not  due  for.  another 
;irs),  and  no  hint  is 
given  of  the  flagrant  inter- 
lude in  C.KSAB'S  company  at 
Rome.  While  taking  infinite 
pains  over  details,  and  threat- 
ening the  critics  with  a  stupe- 
fying list  of  authorities,  he 
has  affected,  in  regard  to  the 
main  issue,  an  ignorance 
which  any  schoolboy  could 
correct.  ' 

Again,  he  might  have  given 
himself  up  to  a  frank  sacri- 
lege, and  turned  the  hallowed 
page  of  history  into  a  farcical 
palimpsest  of  anachronisms 
and  modern  instances.  He 
Las  attempted  this  half- 
heartedly with  a  few  belated 
references  to  the  New  Woman 
and  barley-water  and  British 
propriety.  But  even  this 
cheap  kind  of  fun  had  its 
chance  spoilt  by  Mr.  SHAW'S 
passion  for  being  instructive, 
and  it  is  a  rather  pitiful  reflection 
upon  the  standard  of  his  humour 
in  this  play  that  the  chief  merriment 
of  the  evening  was  derived  from  the 
difficulty  experienced  by  the  World's 
Conqueror  in  catching  the  right  pro- 
nunciation of  Flatatccta — a  dullish 
jest  of  which  our  leading  dramatist 
and  his  elect  audience  seemed  never 
to  weary. 

There  was  a  third  bird  somewhere 
about  within  range — the  fowl  of 
melodrama;  and  its  tail-feathers  were 
the  deaths  of  Pothinut  and  Flnta- 
tecta.  The  indignation  which  the 
second  of  these  murders  provoked  in 
the  breast  of  Cleopatra,  who  thought 
no  more  of  killing  than  a  cat,  seemed 
to  me  to  strike  a  false  note  in  what 


was  a  ratlu-r  tamo  finale.     !!•  . 
on  a  point  of  dramatic  ilrsign,  I  am 
:it   to   note   the   opinion   of  one 
critic   who  recommended   Mr.    SHA\\ 
to  take  a  leaf  from  the  book  of  Mr. 
•  IR     HICKS.         A    cruel   thrust 
this,  though  apparently  dealt  in  per- 
fect good  faith. 

As  for  the  interpretation,  Mr. 
FORBES  ROBERTSON'S  charm  of 
manner  was  a  constant  delight.  Was 
I  wrong  in  seeming  to  detect  a  slight 
access  of  rotundity  in  his  voice?  I 
trust  that  his  return  to  our  genial 
climate  will  soon  modify  this, 
while  it  perhaps  tended  a  little 
to  mitigate  the  humour  of  things  by 


costumes,   though   the  production  of 
the  comic  opera  Amasin  is  still 
in   the   memory.     I   do  not    m< 
SIIAKSI-KARE'S  Antony  and  Cleopatra, 
which  Mr.  SHAW  would  scarcely  re- 
gard as  a  serious  rival. 

I  noticed  that  Mr.  ASQUITB,  pro- 
tected by  the  martial  presence  of 
the  MINISTER  OK  \\'\\-.,  was  occupy- 
ing a  box  adjoining  the  stage,  a  posi- 
tion which  enabled  him  to  make  a 
close  study  of  Fcmal<  .mcnt 

in  the  person  of  Clcopnlra. 

On  the  following  aft  -moon  I  sat 
interminably,  and  to  my  extreme 
physical  discomfort,  on  a  tough  pit 


scat 


THE    EGYPTIAN  QUESTION. 

ir Mr.  Forbes  Robertson. 

Miss  Gertrude  Elliott. 

1'toUmy  A'/ 1' Master  Philip  Tonge. 


a  certain  portentousness  which  it 
lent  to  the  utterances  of  this  pleasant 
old  fox  of  a  Ccfsar.  Miss  GERTRUDE 
ELLIOTT  was  delightfully  fresh  and 
precocious.  But  1  think  that  the  per- 
formance of  Master  PIIILIP  TONOE,  as 
the  boy-king  Ptolemy,  gave  me  my 
moments,  all  too  brief,  of  purest  joy. 
I  heartily  wish,  too,  that  Mr.  IAN 
ROBERTSON  might  have  had  more  to 
say  and  do  in  the  delightful  r6lc  of 
Hril  lamia  (so  spelt  in  my  pro- 


jsc 
As 


gramme).  As  Catar't  trusty  hench- 
man, Rufio,  Mr.  PERCY  RHODES  had  a 
great  chance,  but  the  motions  of  his- 
arms  and  legs  recalled  too  closely  the 
coster-types  of  the  Hulls.  ( 
doc's  not  sci-m  to  Iin\c  Milled  the 
attraction  of  Egyptian  sc.  nei  • 


(humorously  described  us  a 
."  stall  ")  which  fell  to  me  by 
the  ballot's  evil  chance  for 
the  Stage  Society's  perform 
anco  of  Watte.  Mr.  (!H.\X- 
VII.I.E  BARKER'S  brilliant  play 
is  crowded  with  many  large 
and  illuminating  truths;  but 
it  contains  also  man 
insincerities  by  which  he  con- 
trives to  darken  counsel  on 
the  subject  of  paternity.  I 
am  probably  wrong,  but  it 
seems  to  me  incredible  that 
such  a  mass  of  tedious  ami 
obscure  political  dialogue  (pro- 
bably interesting  enough  ami 
clear  enough  if  it  was  written 
down  for  you  to  read,  instead 
of  hurling  itself  like  a  torrent 
across  the  footlight^  w  un- 
necessary for  the  exposition 
of  the  prime  motive-  tin 
ruin  of  a  man's  public  career 
through  the  illicv  of  a 

moment.  I  find  it  a  weak 
s  in  the  argument  (which 
goes  to  show  the  dispropor- 
tionate cruelty  of  the  punish- 
ment) that  sufficient  weight 
is  not  attached  to  the  ti\ed 
moral  attitude  of  mind  of 
which  this  momentary  act. 
committed  in  oiroumctaooM 
that  were  sure  at  one  time  or  anoth. T 
to  furnish  opportunity,  was  just  tin- 
inevitable  expression.  And  it  helps 
very  little  to  defend  the  net  as  one  of 
instinct.  Once  you  begin  talking  of 
nature's  responsibility  you  will  soon 
find  that  murder,  theft,  ami 
other  offences  against  thu  Social 
Code  may  be  conveniently  an,, 
iu  the  same  category  of  SB  \.it-.  j,|., 
penalties. 

It  is,  by  the   way.   n   curious 
ment   on  the  Advanced   I'ruma  that 
the  )••  :id  Tin-  lircak- 

ing    Paint,    whose    rejection    by    tin: 

•r  has  so  flutter'  d  tin-  do\ . 
of      ]>ramatie      Intcllu  iiould 

pon   a   revival   of  what 
one    i.  the    theme    (if 


rrxni,  ou  THH  LONDOH  CHARIVARI   ft  nan  i.  1907 


THE  JANUS  FOUNTAIN. 

[In  connection  with  the  promised  Licensing  legislation  of  next  Session,  Mr.  ASQDITH  has  receded  rival  depntatioM  snd  replied  to 

botn  sides  in  the  language  of  conciliation.] 


Dr:cF.nm:n  4,  1007.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


.101 


Attendant.  "  Do  YOU  CAKE  TO  PUBCHASB  THAT  rioiunE,  SIB?"  Vitltor.  "No  THANKS.    I'vg  GOT  i  DOZE*  UNOII  MT  BIO 

Attendant.  "  ONE  MORE  THERE  WOULDN'T  MAKK  KOCH  DIFFERENCE,  SIR."    Vititor.  "  ALL  BIGHT,  THEH,  I  'LL  HATI  IT  !  " 


Unpremeditated  Maternity,  a  feature 
which  in  literature  has  become  rather 
di'-mode  since  the  days  of  Adam 
Dcde. 

The  performance,  in  almost  every 
detail,  was  very  fine,  though  in  the 
leading  part,  taken  at  short  notice  by 
the  author,  whose  feats  of  memory 
compel  my  astonished  admiration, 
one  missed  the  manner  of  the  actor 
to  whom  the  part  had  been  originally 
assigned — Mr.  McKiNNEL.  He  would 
have  added  a  desirable  touch  of  that 
physical  brutality  of  which  he  is  the 
admitted  master. 

The  same  evening  to  see  The 
Follies.  Very  refreshing  and  correc- 
tive after  The  Solemnities.  0.  S. 


Another  Ducal  Mystery. 
"  This  afternoon  Major  William  F. 
<ollins,     Royal     Scots    Greys,     was 
married  to  Lady  Evelyn  Innes-Ker, 
youngest    daughter    of    the    seventh 
Duke  of  Roxburghe   and   brother  of 
;he  present  peer." 

Pall  Mall  Gazette. 


The  Waits  that  will  not  Wait. 

BEFORE  November  goes  they  come — 

A  melancholy  throng — 
And  drone  a  carol  out,  or  strum 

The  Herald  Angels'  song; 
Their     "  Merry     Christmas  "     mere 
pretence, 

They  haunt  my  garden-gate, 
Assiduous  in  demands  for  pence — 

The  Waits  who  mill  not  wait. 

And  when  the  Muse's  smile  benign 

Illumines  my  abode, 
And  some  immortal  Limerick  line 

Is  fairly  on  the  road — 
"  While    Shepherds    watched  "    the 
fiends  rehearse, 

Till  weapons  from  the  grate 
I  snatch,  but,  vainly  following,  curse 

The  Waits  who  will  not  wait. 


A  tobacconist  in  Hull  advertises 
"  Limerick  Twist."  Tennis  Elbow 
and  Diabolo  Neck  we  had  heard 
of  before.  It  is  our  boast  as  a  sport- 
ing nation  that  all  our  games  have 
their  risks. 


"  The  day*  when  Catherine  Moroland  watched 
in  feverish  anxiety  for  llr.  Tilnev  and  his 
sister  from  the  windows  of  lira.  Allen's  com- 
fortable lodgings  in  Pulteney  Street  was  in  • 
Bath  that  had  long  ceased  to  know  Bean  N ash's 
sway,  as  was  Fanny  Buraey,  who  visited  the 
city  in  1780  in  lire.  Thrale's  party."— Daily 
Graphic. 

It  is  a  little  difficult  to  gather  who 
was  in  the  bath,  but  if  it  is  an 
advertisement  we  quite  see  the  point 
of  the  story. 


The  patriotic  Daily  Telegraph  must 
be  more  careful.  It  insinuates  things 
in  its  columns  which  it  would  be  the 
first  to  condemn  in  a  Liberal  paper. 
In  its  description  of  a  statuary  group 
the  other  day,  it  actually  said : 

"  There  is  also  to  be  a  lion  at  the  back,  which 
is  emblematic  of  Greater  Britain." 

This  is  hardly  fair. 


Commercial  Candour. 
Seen  in  a  City  restaurant: 
TEAK  AND  KIDNBY  PIB. 


402 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   Ln.NliuN   CHARIVARI. 


until  4,  1907. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 
A  PAPER  WEDDING. 

BroaJldnJs. 

\REST  DAPHNE,— Thanks  ever  so 
muchly  for  your  loving  but  ratlicr 
preachy  letter  of  the  other  day  on  the 
occasion  of  what  you  are  pleased  to 
call  the  First  Anniversary  of  my 
Marriage,  and  what  /  call  my  Taper 
Wedding.  My  dear  child,  wrat 
moss-grown  sentiments  I  You  evi- 
dently throw  back  to  some  i 
uh'>  believed  in  all  sorts  of  things. 
Your  own  notion  of  happiness,  I  take 
it,  is  Ix)ve  in  a  Cottage.  Poor  dear ! 
How  fearfully  you  've  got  left  I  In- 
difference in  a  Desirable  Family 
Mansion  is  the  order  of  the  day. 
Still,  don't  run  away  with  the  notion 
that  I  'm  speaking  against  the  holy 
estate.  Far  from  it.  I  consider  mar- 
riage quite  a  good  idea,  if  'there  's 
plenty  of  money  and  you  don't  see 
much  of  each  other.  And  after  a 
year  of  it,  I  feel  qualified  to  speak 
with  some  authority  on  the  subject 
to  you,  who,  if  I  may  say  so,  are 
still  tilting  at  the  ring. 

My  Paper  Wedding  festivities  have 
been  the  talk  of  the  county.  I  dare- 
say you  've  seen  some  of  the  accounts 
and  pictures  in  The  Sideglancer,  The 
Peeress,  and  West-End  Whispers. 
The  presents  simply  rolled  in — all 
paper,  of  course,  and  the  nicest  kind 
too.  And  to  give  the  finishing-touch 
of  success  to  things,  on  the  very 
morning  of  the  day  fixed  for  the 
Paper  Wedding  Dance  my  good  man 
had  to  fly  off  to  Dollarland— some- 
thing to  do  with  tight  or  loose 
money,  or  panicky  markets  or  some- 
thing, the  result  of  the  recent 
alarums;  so  there  was  no  one  to  put 
the  brake  on,  and  we  made  things 
hum  and  a  bit  over!  We  were  all 
dressed  in  paper — all  we  womenfolk. 
My  frock  was  simply  a  dream— all  of 
tissue-paper,  dancing  length,  the 
skirt  a  mass  of  the  daintiest, 
teeniest,  kilted  flounces.  Everyone 
was  raving  about  it.  BABS  looked 
all  right  in  wall-paper,  made  Wat- 
teau ;  it  had  something  the  effect 
of  old  brocade.  WB-WSS,  in  pink 
gelatine-paper  with  gold-paper  fringe, 
was  exactly  like  a  big  bon-bon.  We. 
had  to  let  the  men  down  easy.  You 
know  what  they  arc.  They  almost 
all  jibbed  at  dressing  themselves  in 
paper.  Only  a  few  were  good. 
Among  them,  Bosn,  in  whitcy 
brown  wrapping  paper,  was  a  big 
success;  and  NORTY,  in  cream-laia 
note,  made  Incroyable,  with  the 
Kweetest  pnpor-laco  jabot  and  wrist- 
ruflles,  mid  11  touch  of  powder  in  his 
hair,  was  quite  one  of  the  show- 


figures.  Aunt  (ioi.iHK  refused  to 
come,  on  the  plea  that  it  was  "  too 
us  fi  way  of  marking  a  serious 
occasion  " — which  is  the  longest 
name  for  rheumatism  I  've  yet 
ii'-ard  ! 

The  piece  dc  rcsistan  :;i^ht 

was  my  new  dance.     It  's  the  tiling 
now,  you  know,  for  a  hostess  to  in- 
••rij,'lit  it  as  far  as 

she  can,  and  have  it  danced  only  at 
her  own  parties.  So,  of  course,  your 
BLANCHE  is  on  the  premises  with  a 
new  one.  l.r.o  MAHSTOX,  the  musical- 
comedy  man,  wrote  the  music  for  it, 
and  it  's  simply  a  screamer,  my  dear, 
a  blend  of  valse,  rag-two-step,  and 
jiu-jitsu.  It  "a  called  the  "  Valsr 
Blanche,"  and  we  danced  it  tdl  we 
were  half  dead,  and  our  paper  frocks 
were  things  that  had  been. 

I  managed  to  catch  a  wretched 
cold  somehow;  but  I  turned  even 
that  to  account,  for  I  sent  out  cards 
for  a  Sneezing  party— everyone 
within  mote  of  us  who  had  a  cold, 
and  gave  prizes :  a  weeny  gold 
thermometer-charm  for  the  one  who 
sneezed  oftenest  (a  local  person  got 
it;  I  believe  he  'd  taken  snuff  or 
something),  and  a  still  weenier  one 
for  the  runner-up. 

Among  the  crowd  I  got  together 
for  my  Paper  Wedding  Revels  was 
my  last  new  protege^  a  wonderfully 
gifted  young  Inventor.  It 's  a 
simply  splendid  way  of  booming 
yourself,  you  know,  to  finance  a 
genius,  or  an  expedition,  or  any- 
thing of  that  kind.  PAMELA  MIDDLE- 
SHIRE  financed  an  expedition  to  go 
to  some  island  somewhere  and  find 
some  buried  treasure,  and  though, 
when  they  got  there,  they  found 
that  not  only  was  there  no  treasure 
but  not  even  an  island,  it  got  her 
name  up  and  made  everyone  talk 
about  her. 

The  young  genius  that  I  'm  going 
to  finance,  or  get  JOSIAH  to  do  it,  has 
made  the  most  deliciously  thrilling 
invention — something  in  the  EDISON 
way,  but  ever  so  much  better.  He 
calls  it  an  Ideograph,  and  when  you 
happen  upon  a  good  idea,  you  've 
only  got  to  press  the  ideograph,  a 
little  thing  like  a  mariner's  compass, 
against  your  forehead,  or  wherever 
the  ideas  ore,  and  it  registers  them. 
It  will  be  an  immense  boon  to  writing 
people,  and  to  public  speakers,  and 
Members  of  Parliament,  and,  in  fact, 
to  everyone  who  lives  by  his  wits. 
It  will  be  a  blessing,  too,  to  nous 
autrrs.  I  often  think  of  things  to 
say  at  dinner  or  supper,  and  \vlirn 
the  time  comes  to  say  thorn  thry  're 
g«ne.  In  that  case  you  'd  only  ha  ve- 
to press  your  ideograph,  a  pretty, 


»no  done  with  jewels,  to  your 
brow,  and  yr/ur  ideas  and  smart 
1  all  come  Lack  to  you. 
M AI.COLM  says  heaps  and  heaps  of 
valuable  thoughts  are  lost  to  th  • 
world  through  people  not  being  able, 
or  licing  too  lazy,  to  write  them 
down  \\hen  they  occur,  and  then 

•Mug  them.     He  look*  to  Ml 
.-l  ijtnte   handsome   as   he  talks  of 
his    invention.      His   eyes    are    most 
uncommon.     As  I  said  to  NORTY  the 
other  day,   I  don't  know  even 

,er  they  're  grey  or  hazel;  and 
NORTY'S    answr    was    that    tl 
both  be  black  if  I  talked  much  more 
about  them  ! 

How   poky  of  you   to  bo   going  in 

>peranto !  There  's  not  a  single 
thrill  to  be  got  out  of  it.  Though 
no  Esperantist  myself,  in  my  quick 
way  I  '\e  seized  all  the  points  of  it. 
You  say  just  exactly  what  you  like, 
but  you  generally  finish  by  becoming 
a  vegetarian  or  a  fruitarian,  and  pet- 
ting rid  of  your  waist  and  your  heels. 
Ever  thine,  BLANCHE. 


THE     "  SMART "     SET. 
A   BURGLARIOUS    BURLETTA. 

(Prohibited  ly  the  Center.) 

[In  The  Thief  at  the  St.  James's  Theatre— 
as  in  IlajHe*  and  Tin  Sinn  of  Society — di»- 
honesty  it  largely  the  attraction.] 

SCENE — 1,000  Park  Lane,  the  draw- 
ing-room.  All  cabinets,  specimen 
tables,  escritoires,  etc.,  are  double- 
padlocked  and  chained  to  Hie  walls. 
The  family  portraits  are  paint' 
cast-iron  and  protected  by  bars. 
Burglar  alarms  are  affixed  to  cu<-h 
window,  and  spring-guns  to  ihe\ 
doors. 

Lady   Araminta    Glide    (discoi-rred 
reading     the     "  Illustrated    Criminal 
News  " ;  carelessly.)     What  a  stupid 
number  I       Father       VAUOHAN       on 
"  House-lifting  in  Society,"  another 
discussion       on       "  Does       Mayfnir 
Sharp?  "   Racing  Notes  by  "  \Y 
Off" — the  old  thing,  dull  as  d 
\v:d>r!     (Yawns.)     Now,    how   am    I 
to  pay  off  that  gambling  debt .'        1 

wish    bridge    was •  by, 

why  not  have  a  try  at  mama's  writing- 
desk'.'  Sho  often  leaves  her  i 
there,  I  know.  (Jumps  up,  drawn  a 
bunrh  of  skeleton  ATI/.I  fr«m  her 
t,  and  attacks  the  writing- 
desk). 

Enter  Lord  FREDERICK  ST.  I. 
nr.MMN.  He,  carries  a  jewelled 
L-nurlilc-dutttcr  and  gold-mounted 
rrrnlrrr;  he  has  no  watch  or  rings 
risible  in  the  naked  eye.  lie 
glance*  shiftily  round. 

Lord  F.   I  liavc  found  your  secret 


DECEMBER  4,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIA1UVARI. 


403 


at    last,    ARAMINTA  !      Ah,    you    are 

th— 

Lady  Aratninta.  Hush  I  I  was 
only  locking  mama's  escritoire  for 
icr.  Do  you  mean  that  you  suspect 
ne,  FRED?  Then  our  engagement  is 
jroken  off  from  this  mo 

Lord  F.  Nonsense  1  I  was  joking. 
ilcre,  let  me  steal  (she  starts 
uiltilij)  a  kiss.  (Takes  a  jemmy  out 
>f  his  breast  pocket,  lays  it  down, 
ind  embraces  her  in  the  catch-as- 
catch-can  style.)  But  what  about 
rioncy?  I  can't  get  the  funds  to 
square  that  last  embezzlement,  and 
you 

Lady  A.  Lost  seven  thousand  at 
ridge  yesterday  afternoon;  they  all 
sharped.  And  can't  pay  up !  By- 
Lhc-by,  how  did  you  get  in?  You 
"enow  papa  has  forbidden  you  the 
louse  after  that  last  swind 

Lord  F.  (starts  guiltily).  Keep 
quiet,  will  you?  I  took  a  copy  of 
your  front-door  key  in  wax  the  other 
night.  But  what  I  called  about, 
ARAMINTA,  was  this.  A  burglar — a 
friend  of  mine,  I  mean — told  me  he 
saw  Lady  FACKMACHER  cheat  at  the 
Cardsharpers'  Club  yesterday.  Well, 
suppose  you  dropped  her  a  line  about 
it — don't  you  see? — and  touch  her 
for,  say,  five  thou.  to  keep  your 
mouth  shut. 

Lady  A.  What!  Blackmail?  I— 
You    forget,    Sir,    1    am    a    GLIDE  ! 

Leave  this  house  iiist (In  a  lower 

tone)    By  the  way,  do  you  think  it 
would  bo  safe? 

Lord  F.  Safe  !  Why,  she  can't  go 
into  court  after  that  affair  of  the 
Baronet.  It  's  as  safe  as  Consols — 
well,  a  good  deal  safer  than  that  at 
the  present  price  I  (Produces  paper.) 
I  've  got  the  letter  all  ready  for  you. 
(In  a  business-like  tone)  Sign  here, 
please. 

Lady  A.  You  have  robbed  me  (he 
starts  guiltily)  of  my  self-respect. 
(She  signs  it.)  It  does  seem  so  dc- 
ceitf — well,  spiteful,  at  least  I  But, 
FRED,  dearest,  I  too  have  a  rather 
happy  idea.  You  know  your  hand- 
writing is  just  like  poor  dear  papa's. 
Well,  don't  you  see,  dear,  if  you 
wrote  his  name  for  him  at  the  bottom 
of  this  cheque — it  would  only  be  sav- 
ing him  the  trouble — then  if  I  pre- 
sented it  they  would  never  suspect 
anything,  and ~ 

Lord  F.  (stung  to  the  quick)  Ha 
Forgery !       And  this  the  girl  whom 
I  had  thought  so 

Lady  A.  Here,  don't  be  a  prig 
FRED.  It 's  only  a  loan. 

Lord  F.  Never  I  Forge  the  name 
of  my  dear  old  friend  GLIDE  and — 

Lady  A.  You  must.  If  I  do  not 
have  ten  thousand  by  to-morrow 


"WILL  ton  EXCTSE 

TO  LIVE  W1T11IN   tit   MEANS, 


ME,  MOTHER,  IK  I  DON'T  GO  IN  WITH  tou?    You  BEE  FATHER  SAID  I  wu 

S3,   AND   I   DON'T  FEEL  AS   IK  I  COULD  AFFOBD  TU«  OOLLELTIOK  !  " 


morning  to  meet  a  few  defalcations, 
our  family's  spotless  name  will  be 
dragged  through  the  dust  of  the 
police  court. 

Lord  F.  No — a  hundred  times  no! 
j 

Lady  A.  It 's  for  the  family 
honour.  Besides,  if  you  refuse,  I 
have  only  to  let  Captain  MARTINGALE 
of  the  Jockey  Club  know  of  your— 

Lord  F.  (speaking  loud  and  fast). 
I  hear  you,  I  hear  you.  (Unpad- 
locks  his  pocket,  which  is  closed  with 
a  steel  flap,  and  takes  out  a  foun- 
tain pen.)  Where  do  I  write  it? 
(Writes.)  There!  That 's  something 
like  it,  isn't  it? 

Lady  A.  Yes.  But  why  do  you 
keep  your  gloves  on,  dear? 

Lord    F.  Well,    my    finger-prints, 


you  know.  But  this  forgery  does 
seem  a  bit  low  do\vn. 

Lady  A.  Fiddlesticks!  All  the 
best  people  in  The  Newgate  Calendar 
do  it. 

Lord  F.  And  now  to  put  the 
money  on  Crooked  Girl  in  the 
Welshcr  Stakes!  (Embraces  her, 
stealing  her  watch.) 

Lady  A.  (returns  his  embrace, 
taking  purse  from  his  pocket)  Oh, 
joy;  joy  I  The  GLIDE  honour  is  un- 
sullied! (Exit  Lord  F.  craftily.] 
What,  my  own  purse!  (Opens  it.] 
Empty  I  He  knew  I  should  try  to 
steal  it  back,  so  he  took  the  money 
out.  Oh,  to  think  that  I  should  find 
own  FREDERICK  dishonourable ! 


my 

(Rings    the    bell.) 

the  family  jewels. 


PARKER,    counl 
(Curtain.) 


401 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  4,  1907. 


HOW    TO    MAKE    POETRY    PAY. 
(Hy  One   \\'ho  hai  Done  It.) 

.  i.i:  tell  you  that  to  bo  a  success  as  >u  'vo 

got  to  start  young.     Don't  you  believe  it!     Take  my 
own  case.     Up  to  eighteen  months  ay,  when  I  was  a 
clerk  in  the  City,  I  'd  never  written  a  lino  of  P. 
never  so  much  as  opened  a  Poetry-book  since   I  left 
school.     And  yet  I  've  done  pretty  well  at  it.     Tin- 
is,  the  difficulties   have   been  a  good  deal  cx:> 
by    the    professional  who    naturally     like     to 

keen  the  business  amon^  themselves.  What  first 
made  me  go  in  for  it  was  a  chap  in  our  office  getting  a 
guinea  consolation-prize  for  a  Limerick  he  'd  sent  in  to  a 
competition  in  one  of  the  penny  weeklies.  Now  I  knew 
he  was  a  most  awful  ass,  so  I  thought  if  I  went  in  for 
the- next  competition  it  ought  to  bo  a  soft  thing  for  me. 

At  that  time  I  hardly 
knew  what  a  Limerick  was 
(except,  of  course,  that  it 
was  Poetry),  so  my  first 
attempts,  being  done  any- 
how, if  you  see  what  I 
mean,  weren't  quite  up  to 
the  mark. 

But  as  soon  as  I  under- 
stood there  were  rules  I 
set  to  work  to  master 
them.  I  don't  pretend 
that  it  was  easy — but 
depend  upon  it,  no  one 
ever  came  to  the  front  ytt 
without  hard  study.  And 
a  Limerick  is  a  tricky 
thing  to  put  together. 
When  you  've  measured 
your  lines  and  counted 
your  syllables,  you  've  still 
got '  to  be  careful  about 
fitting  the  rhymes  into  the 
right  places.  And  a  lot 
depends,  too,  on  the  way 
they  're  read  aloud.  I  've 
written  some  that  were 
quite  correct,  and  yet 
when  read  out  you 
wouldn't  know  were 
Poetry  at  all  1  Nowadays,  there  are  books  published 
telling  you  how  it's  done ;  but  /  had  to  puzzle  everything 
out  for  myself. 

What  I  found  hardest  was  making  up  some  sort  of 
story  which  would  more  or  less  hang  together.  Without 
that,  no  Limerick  has  a  chance  of  a  prize,  however  good 
it  may  be  in  other  respects — and  imagination  never  u-as 
much  in  my  line.  So,  try  as  1  might,  none  of  mine  got 
more  than  an  "  honourable  mention  "  now  and  again; 
and,  strange  as  it  seems  now,  there  were  times  when  I 
was  very  near  chucking  up  the  whole  thing  in  disgust  I 

Luckily  for  me,  some  of  the  literary  weeklies  just  then 
discovered  that  they  were  making  the  competitions  too 
great  a  strain  on  their  public.  So  they  took  to  supply- 
ing the  Limerick  all  ready  made,  except  the  last  line. 
That  you  had  to  fill  in.  After  that  I  left  whole 
Limericks  alone,  as  I  advise  you  to  do.  Don't  attempt 
too  much.  Specialise,  as  I  did.  Mind  you,  I  don't 
promise  that  the  result  will  be  the  same.  You  may  not 
have  the  gift  for  it.  Not  that  even  1  had,  not  to  wait  for 
my  success.  Many  a  sleepless  night,  ninny  a  sixpence 


for  entr:.-  .  did  1  spend  —  without  any  cash  return 

>w  for  it  at  the  end  of  th>  •>!!>>  fine 

day,  I  found  1  had  won  a  fortnight  in  Paris,  with  all  my 

expenses  at  a  first-class  hotel  :i-]>ouiul  note  !'<  r 

sightseeing!        And   that   for   a   last   line   which    1    had 

ilnly    not   thought    the    I  'iio    half-dozep    1 

sent  in  :  — 


And  with  real  pain,  not  itiam  pain  . 


),  he  whiue«(ur«'.< 


Anyhow,  I  thought  myself  well   paid  fur  it   in  tl 
days,  though  the  value  of  my  work  has  gone  up  <. 


•iderably  since. 

When  I  told  them 


at  the  Ofl  I   "as  i  : 


A  MINIATURE  TA1NTEU. 


tj  run  over  to  Paris  for  tun  weeks  tl 
was    so    impertinent    that    I    had    no    alternative 
to  tender  my  resignation.     /  didn't  oan  .      1  (•.!' 
now   of   being   able    to    live    by    my    ]<<  n     in     a     lofl 

And   ]  i    :: .;.  -  If    i:>    Paifa.        T!K-    1  •  ad 

waiter    and    :  I     the 

hotel,  to  whom  1 
line,  were  most  < 
ing  about  it.  They 

I   h:id   explained   the 
puns  to  them,  that  it  was 
'enormously  spiritual." 

Continental      life      must 
have     stimulated     my    in- 
t,   for  I  hadn't    i 
n      days      b> 
another    last    lino    i! 
across  me.     It  was  in  the 
Tube,  I  remember,  and  I 
1  it  down  on  my  cuff 
at  once  for  fear  of  losing 
it— for    I    knew    it    was    a 
winner.        Sure      enough, 
when  the  list  of  tin- 
best  came  out,  mine,  •. 
"Such   high-gionic   hijh  jinks 

brought  him  low ! 
was  placed  ninth !  \V<j 
d  n  divided  the  entrance- 
fees,  and  my  share  worked 
out  at  JE130  15s.  4<f.  Not 
bad  pay  that  for  a  few 
seconds'  inspiration!  1 
doubt  if  TENNYSON  him- 
self ever  got  a  higher  rate 
made  a  peer.  (Come  to 


per  line,  even  after  he  was 


think  of  it,  it 's  curious  you  never  hear  of  any  of  the 
old-established  poets  winning  prizes  at  these  comj 
tions!)  Well,  my  foot  was  on  the  ladder  now,  nnd  from 
that  moment  I  've  never  once  looked  back.  1  wi-nt  into 
the  thing  systematically,  setting  aside,  as  I  recommend 
my  readers  to  do,  a  certain  proportion  of  each  week's 
earnings  for  stamps,  postal  orders,  nnd  purchase  of 
every  periodical  that  was  running  a  Limerick  competi- 
tion. The  more  lines  you  send  in  the  held  r  chance  you 
have  of  getting  home  on  one  of  them— and,  after  all, 
what  are  a  few  dozen  stamps  and  sixpenny  postal  or 
if  you  can  only  land  a  prize  of  a  couple  of  hundred 
pounds  or  so? 

I  turned  out  hundreds  of  last  lines,  all  different .  at 
high  pressure,  and  one  at  least  of  them  generally  pulled 
off  a  prize.  I  shouldn't  like  to  tell  you  what  my  weeklv 


earnings  averaged  during  the  year,  for  fear  of  bringing 
down  the  Income  Tax  people  ,,n   me — it  's  scan 
enough    that    the    labour    of    one's    brain    should    be 

.•it   nil  !     and  of  ,  ;    may   have   1 


l>:.i.Mr.Ku  4,  1007.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Farmer  Gib.  (icfto  fcnoia  0*  etoir  lriA-ta  Waiter,  ufo  is  ftaei«d  chair  for  him).  "  Now  TUE.V,  MA  MAN,  JUST  LEAVE  IOH  CHAIR 

ALONE,   ELSE   1IEBBE  TOD  'Lt   BE  THE   F1EST  OJC  TOO*   BACK! 


tionally  lucky,  though  I  am  bound  to  say  that 
the  judging  was  most  competent.  Lately,  as  _! 
daresay  you  've  seen,  some  literary  periodicals  don  t 
employ  judges— the  readers  themselves  decide  which 
last  line  is  the  cleverest.  Nothing  can  be  fairer.  All 
the  linos  are  printed  in  a  special  supplement  with 
numbers  against  them,  and  there  is  a  voting-paper  sup- 
plied with  every  copy  for  you  to  fill  in  the  number^  of 
the  line  you  think  the  cleverest,  and  send  it  in.  Ipu 
can  send  in  as  many  votes  as  you  like  to  buy  copies 
of  the  paper.  I  've  'just  gone  in  for  a  competition  on 
this  system.  The  line  I  consider  the  cleverest  is  the 
following : 

"  lint  her  soul  is  con-soled  now  she  'a  Leeled  (li&iled)." 

It  will  win,  too— unless  any  of  the  other  competitors 
have  sent  in  more  votes  than  I  have;  and,  as  I  went  to 
some  trouble  and  expense  in  the  matter,  I  don't  think 
that  likely.  Not  that  it  matters  to  me  if  I  lose  now.  For 
I  have  just  landed  a  really  big  coup.  As  you  may  have 
heard,  an  eminent  firm  of  tobacco-importers  offered  a 
prize  the  other  day  for  the  best  last  lino  of  a  Limerick 
about  their  celebrated  "  Nippah  "  brand  of  cigarettes. 
If  you  ask  me,  the  Limerick  might  have  been  improved 
by  a  bit  more  polishing— but  there  was  nothing  the 
matter  with  the  prize.  A  country-house  furnished 
throughout  to  own  taste  by  a  leading  firm,  a  50  h.p. 
limousine,  a  motor  lawn-mower  and  a  thousand  a  year 
for  life !  All  you  had  to  do  on  entering  for  the  competi- 
tion was  to  forward  an  order  for  as  many  thousand 
"  Xippahs  "  as  you  required  to  enable  you  to  recom- 


mend  them  conscientiously.  I  hadn't  finished  my  first 
hundred  before  my  brain  started  working,  and  in  six 
hours  I  produced  what  in  my  humble  opinion  is  perhaps 
the  best  thing  I  've  ever  done — 

"  Smoked  in  street  or  in  slippahs  they  're  rippahs ! " 

The  double  rhyme  did  it!  And  now,  in  long  than 
eighteen  months,  I  have  achieved  comfort  and  inde- 
pendence for  life ! 

Perhaps  you  wonder  why  I  give  you  information  whicl 
can  only  tend  to  increase  the  number  of  my  rivals  in  any 
future  intellectual  contests.  I  don't  know  that  I  should, 
if  I  were  going  in  for  any  more  of  them— but  I  'm  not. 
The  constant  mental  strain  has  been  too  severe  for  my 
health ;  my  doctor  has  warned  me  that,  unless  I  give  up 
all  work  at  once,  I  must  expect  a  serious  nervous  break- 
down. There  is  no  success  without  its  penalty. 
But  if  I  am  obliged  to  retire  from  Literature  somewhat 
earlier  than  I  anticipated,  I  do  not  complain.  '.  have 
done  better  than  a  good  many  who  have  taken  up  Poetry 
as  a  pursuit,  and  the  best  I  can  wish  my  Readers  is  that 
they  may  all  be  equally  successful. 

I  see  no  reason  why  anyone  should  despair  WM 
possesses  the  necessary  education  and  a  sufficient  ^supply 
of  sixpences.  <  *'  •  **• 

"  Can  clergyman  recommend  two  good  ladie»  or  otherwise  for  entire 
work  of  quiet  country  rectory?     Man  ouUide  work.     No 
No  Sunday  cooking.    Three  iu  family.    £25  and  KV'-Church 

"Otherwise,"  we  are  afraid. 


TM  ii,  on  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I.  I'JOT. 


Sahib  (to  Katitt  BM  Collator).  "  WELL,  WHAT  DO  ion  WA»T?" 

#.  B.  C.   "  FOCI   ICrUS  WHML-TAI   OSE  DOO-CAtT,   SlBIl  J    TWO     tints    TAX    IACB    TWO    fOSIEf,   AK»    OMI    BUPEE   O»E  B1CTCLB.       T 

vise  IIITEES,  SAHIB." 

.      SaJkii.  "How  DO  TOO  ntow  WHAT  I'TE  OOT?     YOO'TB  MM  ABEIHO  MI  UETAVTS.     A»D  THE  BEIT  TIME  I  CATCH  too  HEM  I'LL  sti 

•  T  DOO  OH  TO  TOO.       Do   100  U«DEB*TA>D  THAT?  " 

If.  B.  C.  "YE8,  SAHJB.    OM  Ktit  KOBE  DOO  TAX.    TOTAL  its  BOPEES,  SAHIB!" 


MAY  AND  DECEMBER. 

WHEN  over  the  hill  the  cowslips  came, 
And  the  daffodils  dotted  the  grass  with  flame. 
And  the  duplicate  notes  rang  cool  and  clear, 
As  the  cuckoo  called  to  the  waking  year; 

And  when,  as  the  dusk  climbed  down  the  sky, 
And  the  little  stars  blinked  a  bright  good-bye 
To  the  rim  of  the  sun  who  had  made  them  pale, 
Out  bubbled  the  song  of  the  nightingale ; 

The  cherry-tree  out  in  the  garden  there, 
She  felt  toe  reproach  of  her  branches  bare, 
And,  all  in  a  moment  shining  bright, 
Was  robed  and  veiled  in  her  bridal  white. 

The  swallow  skimmed  by  (he  river's  edge, 
And  the  blackbird  bustled  from  hedge  to  hedge; 
And,  oh,  but  the  thrush  was  blithe  and  gay, 
For  this  was  the  beautiful  mouth  of  May. 

But  little  it  boots  to  remember  this, 
The  dear  green  day  of  delight  and  bliss, 
For  DOW  in  a  drip  of  dismal  rain        . 
The  year  draws  on  to  its  end  again. 


The  grey  fog  covers  the  cowslip  hill, 
And  there  's  never  a  word  of  the  daffodil. 
Oh  Time,  you  may  fling  me  your  months  au;iy 
As  fast  as  you  like,  if  you  '11  rest  in  Mav. 

' 


L< 


Motto  for  the  Parishioners  of  Leyton. 

[It  is  rumoured  that  there  ii  a  general   desire  (or  the   Her.   K 
GILLIKUHAII,  the  county  cricketer,  to  be  appointed  Vicar.] 

Our  foes  are  not  so  much  the  world,  the  flesh  niul 

Satan, 
As  other  county  teams  that  come  to  pluy  at  1. 


The  following  sporting  offer  must  be  recorded,  if  onl} 
for  the  sake  of  the  Anti-Puritan  League:  — 

"  Will  make  pair  trouaort  for  five  Norwich  Lens;  patterns  BO.. I,  or 
offers." — Caged  Bird*. 

Mr.  J.  Burns,  delivering  an  address  on  education,  "  Loiied  that  the 
Lalf  time  system  would  soon  be  abolished,  and  warned  hia  . 
against  proleeaioual  football." — Tlte  Standard. 

But   would   professional    football    be   muc!. 

.lisiiitf  if  lnilf  I 


IVNCII,   Oil   TIIK    1. ON  I  ION    CM  \IMV.\IM.     DtOOOm    I. 


LETTING  ILL  ALONE. 


JOHS  BULL  (,V«,,;»/m<e).  "WHY   DON'T   YOU  ARREST  THAT   FEI.LOW   FOR   INCITING   TO   CHIME? 
COXSTABLE  B,RB,LL.    "  AFRAID   OF   MAKING   A  MARTYR   OF   11IM,   SIR.     ITCHING    TO   Alflil 
BU.S1XESS  TO   1'UT  SOME   RESTRAINT   ON   MYSELF." 

J.  B.  "IT'S   YOL-B  BUSINESS  TO  PUT  SOME   RESTRAINT  ON   HIU.     WE'LL  CUANCE  TUE  MAU'l 

.   [Speaking  at  Belfast  Mr.  BiKRELL  protested  that  hi-  fingers  were  itching  to  prosecute  Mr.  Gi»«ti,  the 
speaker's)  business  to  put  some  restraint  u^o.i  himself,  lest  Mr.  GINNKU.'S  jwwer  and  mlluence  should  be  i 

in  prison.]  _^^^______^_____^___^_^^^_ 


Jii.n-:.MUKii  J,  l'J07.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CJI  All  IV  All  I. 


lu'.l 


Loafer  (saluting  perfect  stranger).  "  I  BEMEHBEB  YOU,  MAJOR,  WUEN  WE  WAS  IN  TIIE  BEOIMEKT." 

Stranger.  "  WHAT— IN  TUB  HINETY-NINTH  ?  "  Loafer.  "  Yus,  ftAJOR." 

Stranger.  "'A'  COMPANY?"  Loafer.  "Yes,  MAJOR." 

Stranger.  "ALWAYS  QETTINO  DBDNK?" 

Loafer.  "  I  WON'T  oo  BO  FAB  AS  to  DENY  AS  I  TOOK  A  DROP  EITBY  KOW  AND  THEN,  MAJOR." 

Stranger.  "  DISCHARGED  WITH  IGNOMINY  FOB  COWARDICE  ?  " 

Loafer.  "'ARDLY  THAT,  MAJOB,  FOR  I  ALLUS  DID  MY  DUTY."  Stranger.  "Tutu  rov'n  xor  rat  msl 


THE  SOLDIER'S  TUB. 

[According  to  the  Press  a  weekly  bath  is  to  be  compulsory  for  the 
1st  South  Staffordshire  Regiment,  and  much  consternation  prevails 
imong  the  men— only  cold  water  being  obtainable.] 
ENGLAND,  I  ask  you,  did  your  TOMMY  quail 

When  foreign  cannon  belched  their  shocking  fire? 
When  bullets  pinged  around  like  driving  hail, 

In  the  pursuit  of  duty  did  he  tire? 
Alert  for  the  alarum  note  of  slaughter 

His  legs,  in  spiral  putties,  bore  him  thither; 
And  briefly,  when  his  country  's  in  hot  water 
He  's  always  with  her. 

But,  when  you  hale  him  to  an  icy  bath, 

And  bid  him  splash,  and  scrub  from  top  to  toe, 

It  may  be  that  you  point  him  to  a  path 

Down  which  you  're  not,  yourself,  prepared  to  go. 

Perhaps  his  sub.  or  colonel  in  command 

(Feeling  no  keen  desire  themselves  to  kill  off), 


When  bathing,  turn  the  "  hot  "  with  stealthy  hand, 
To  take  the  chill  off. 

Ordeal  by  water — when  the  water  's  cold 

And  darkly  still  in  tanks  of  coffin  shape- 
Dismays  him,  though  ordeal  by  fire  of  old 

He  never  tried  one  moment  to  escape. 
Often,  as  brave  men  will,  he  feels  inclined 

To  wash  his  inner  man  with  rum  or  whiskey, 
.But  baths,  cold  baths,  to  his  fastidious  mind 
Are  much  too  risky. 

Local  Colour. 

"  Of  course,  something  like  this  happened  in  the  history  of  Rome 
when  a  great  soldier,  who  was  exercising  hU  talents  rearing  cabbage 
sprouts,  and  macaroni,  was  called  upon  to  save  the  Empire." 

Edinburgh  Etcning  Xetct 

By  a  curious  coincidence  this  is  just  the  season  for 
bedding  out  macaroni. 


410 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


:     I-     1'."':. 


THE  GREAT  CLAPHAM  MYSTERY. 

["  I   don't  know   whan  CUplism  is 
Atherley  Janet,  K.C..  during  the  hearing  of  the 
Vruee  tote  (alltgtd).] 

NOTE.— Everything  that  followi  it  "  alleged." 
Some  ol  it  i»  «ufc  judici.  The  rest  ii  ultra 
rirrt.  Mr.  Punch  hope*  that  he  it  now  quite  Mb. 

"  I  DON'T  like  it,"  said  ATIII-.RI.KY. 
"  There  has  been  too  much  in; 
already.     Surely  you  have  some  idea 
where  Clapham  is." 

>t  the  slightest,"  said  JONES. 
"  Have  you?" 

"  Let  me  think.  Clapham— Clap- 
ham — I  seem  to  have  heard  the 
name.  I  put  it  to  you  that  it  might 
be  in  California?  " 

"  I    venture    to    submit,"    began 
, 

"  Have  you  an  atlas?  We  might 
find  it  there,"  said  ATHERLEY. 

"I have  n globe, "said  JONES.  "One 
of  those  things  you  turn  round." 

lie  walked  across  the  room,  and 
began  turning  the  globe.  ATHKUI.KY 
followed  with  Mr.  PLOWDEN'S  jnncc- 
nez. 

"It's  no  good,"  said  JONES  at 
last.  "It  isn't  there." 

"  I  put  it  to  you,"  said  ATHERLEY, 
"  that  we  must  have  been  very  near 
it  once  or  twice." 

JONES  accepted  the  statement,  and 
proceeded  to  pace  the  room  in  deep 
(bought. 

"  1  have  it  !  "  he  cried  at  last.  "  A 
telegraph  form  .  .  .  Now  then, 
listen  to  this.  '  The  A/ai/cr,  ('/«/>- 
hum.  \\'hcre  are  you?  Hfi>ly 
paid.'" 

"  Excellent,"  said  ATHERLEY. 
"  Now  we  have  nothing  to  do  but 
wait  patiently." 

JONES  rang  the  bell,  and  gave  the 
form  to  his  confidential  clerk. 

"  By  the  way,"  he  said  to  ATHER- 
I.F.Y,  "it  is  just  possible  that  some 
other  information  may  shortly  be 
forthcoming.  I  consulted  a  private 
detective  upon  the  subject,  and  my 
instructions  are  that  he  has  a  clue." 

An  hour  passed  slowly.  Then  the 
clerk  entered  with  a  letter  and  a 
telegram.  ATHERLEY  seized  the  latter 
eagerly. 

"Ila!"  he  cried. 

JONES  peered  excitedly  over  his 
shoulder.  With  trembling  fingers 
the  yellow  paper  was  ripped  open, 
and  the  answer  upon  which  so  much 
depended  straightened  out.  It  was 
short  but  to  the  point. 

"  Here." 

JONES  took  his  glasses  off  his  nose 
and  scratched  his  chin  reflectively. 

"  It  appears  to  bear  the  stamp  of 
truth  upon  it,"  he  said. 

"  I  take  it,"  said  ATIII:KU:Y,  "  that 
it  would  be  useless  to  amine 


upon  the  point.  I  will  only  ask  one 
question.  What  is  the  office 
post-mark  ?  ' ' 

"  Clapham." 

"Ah!     Then  he  ia  th. 

There  was  a  minute's  anxious 
lit. 

"Hal"       said       .I.'N!<       suddenly. 

"  The  confidential  1!.-  put 

out  his  hand  and  took  the  li 
"  Now  we  shall  find  something  .  .  . 
Here  we  are.  '  Clues  to  Clapham  ' 
he  calls  it.  '  Clapham.  Clapham  is 
bounded  upon  the  north  by  London, 
upon  the  south  by  London,  upon  the 

east  by  Lon '     I  put  it  to  you 

that  it  is  not  in  California,  as  you 

"  I  object,"  said  ATHERLEY.  "  This 
is  not  evidence." 

"  The  point  is  immaterial.  Let  us 
pass  on.  '  Exports  and  Imports.' 
This  should  help  us.  ,'  Exports.  8 
a.m.,  City  Clerks.  10  a.m.,  Stock- 
brokers. Imports.  5  p.m.,  Stock- 
brokers. 7  p.m.,  City  Clerks.'  What 
do  you  say  to  that?  " 

"I  do  not  quite  catch  the  drift  of 
it  all,  but  doubtless  that  will  make 
itself  clear  later  on." 

"'Places  of  interest:  The  Junc- 
tion. Historic  Resorts:  The  Junc- 
tion. Sacred  Edi ' 

"  I  should  like  to  see  this  '  Junc- 
tion '  he  speaks  of,"  said  ATIIEKI.I.V. 

"It  must  bo  a   wonderful   place," 
lid  JONES.       "  Something  like  the 
Coliseum  at  Rome,  I  take  it." 

''Clubs:  The  Junction.  Romantic 
spots  in  the  neighbourhood:  Clap- 
ham  Common.'  We  must  certainly 
visit  this.  Where  was  I?  Ah,  yes. 
'  Museums:  The  June '  '.' 

"  Yes,  yes,"  said  ATHERLEY.  "  But 
with  all  due  respect,  what  is  this 
leading  us  to?  " 

"  True,"  agreed  JONES.  "  Ah, 
here  we  have  it.  '  Clapham,  How 
to  get  to.'  ' 

.Excellent.  I  must  make  a  note 
of  this." 

"  It  is  quite  short.  '  Clapham  may 
be  entered  from  the  east;  it  may  be 
swooped  upon  from  the  south ;  stalked 
carefully  from  the  north ;  or  bu : 
against  from  the  west.  But  the  best 
way  of  all  is  to  take  a  ticket  for  a 
South  Coast  town,  and  see  v.  hat 
happens.'  ' 

"  JONES,"  said  ATHKULEY  solemnly, 
"  we  are  on  the  verge  of  a  great  dis- 
covery. A  week-end  at  the  sea  would 
brace  us  up." 

***** 

JONES  woke  up  suddenly  and 
looked  at  his  watch. 

"  I  put  it  to  you  that  we  are 
there,"  ho  said.  "  Where  is  mv 
ticket 


iid  ATIIMI- 

I   can  detect  ii"  '   the 

sea.       But    I   will   cross-examine   the 

1." 

"  Guard,"  said  ATIH:RI.I:Y.  "  1  i 

a  question  to  put  to  you,  but  do  not 

r   it    for   the    in<>:  It    is 

this.     If   I   arn   correct   in   taking   it 

that  we  ha  •  :rs  on  the 

journey,  and  if,  as  I  arn  instructed. 

this  is  the  Brighton  and  South  Coast 

X      that      the 

learned     Station     Master    allows    the 

<>n  — where  are  wo  iv 
"  Balham,  sir,"  said  the  Guard. 
A.  A.  M. 


FIREWORKS. 
MOUE  FACTS  ABOUT  THE  GREAT  Fun. 

(\\'ith  arltnmcleaijmrntt,  a*  trrr,  to 
"  The  Daily  Mad.") 

IUMAGE    rhymes    with    GAMAGE. 

Tuo  thousand  Golliwogs  were  in- 
terested spectators  of  the  attempts  t< 
put  out  the  fire,  while  themseh , 
remaining  quite  calm  and  unmoved. 
"  Their  benaviour  is  beyond  all 
praise,"  remarked  Mr.  GAMAGE,  with 
enthusiasm. 

In  order  to  instil  confidence  in  the 
Toy  Bazaar  Mr.  GAMAGE  gave  an  e\ 
hibition  of  Diabolo  for  five  minutes 
while   matters   were   at   their   v 
using  one  of  his  own  ; 

It    is    estimated    tha'  !.    :;<'. 

Idue,  and  15  green  omnibuses  | 
the  premises  while  the  fire  was  at  its 
height. 

It  is  believed  that  100  per  cent,  of 
the  passers-by  stopped  to  glance  ut 
the  fire. 

GREAT  FIRES  OF  THE  PAST. 

The  Fire  of  London  broke  out 
London    Bridge    on    September    •_' 
1666.       The     estimated     loss     was 
£11,000,000.     Money  was  of  gr 
value  in  those  days. 

The  fire  at  Moscow  in  1812  i 
for  five  days,  and  destroyed  pr< 
valued  at  £30.000,000. 

Fire-engines  were  first  used  a; 
Nuremburg  in  1657. 

The    London    Fire    Brigade    uses 
17,000,000    gallons    of    water 
year. 

See  our   Magazine   Page    for 
tures  of: — 

:         <  i  \'!AGB. 

(b)  One  of  Mr.  GAMAGF.'S  sets  of 
Diab' 

(c)  One   of   Mr.    GAMAGE'S   Golli- 

(«/)  The   A. B.C.  shop   a   f-  v 

from   CiAMA'.i 
(c)  A    pail    holding   one    gal!' 

N'uivml. 


Dr.ci-.\:nr.n  4,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


411 


I 


I 

9 
J 


LJ 

UJ     5 
OC     - 
n     m 

'        S3 

3 

CO        K 

Z  g 
g  f 
u 

OC 


111 
O  .< 


LJ 

z 
z 

HI 


i 
f* 

5 

J 


412 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


4,  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

WITH      r  -to      Sir      .T.  us 

FISIIKR'S   statement   that   the   people 
in   this  country  can  sleep  quietly   in 
their  beds,  an  old  gentleman  wr 
complain    that    those    pesky    motor 
won't  let   him. 


Mr.    V 


*  * 
GRAN 


speaking  at 


Hull  last  week,  said  that,  if  Socialism 
were  established,  his  party  could, 
without  any  derogation  from  Socialist 
principles,  retain  the  KINO.  His 
-rv  is  now  in  much  better 

spirits. 

*  * 

Describing  a 
recent  walk  by 
theKAiSER,  a 
c  o  n  t  e  m  p  orary 
says: — "Here  he 
had  the  inspirit- 
ing picture  of 
tumbling  waters, 
the  sweep  of 
C  h  r  i  s  t  c  h  urch 
Bay,  and  the 
more  distant 
view  of  the  Isle 
of  Wight."  Who 
i*  tliis  "  sweep 
of  Christchurcn 
Bay"?  He  should 
be  a  proud  man 

to-  i-iv 

*  * 

It  is  officially 
announced  that 
it  is  the  inten- 
tion of  the 
Suffragettes  t  o 
launch  an 
organised  cnm- 
p  a  i  g  n  against 
Cabinet  Ministers 
not  only  at  pub- 
lic meetings,  but 
wherever  they 
may  chance  to  be  outside  their 
homes.  The  PRIME  MINISTER  has 
fled  the  country. 

V 

Mr.  KF.IR  HARDIE  is  expected  back 
shortly.  By  a  curious  coincidence 
the  African  pigmies  are  also  return- 
ing home  this  week. 

*  * 

The  statement  that  the  London 
County  Council  will  shortly  sell  six 
of  its  Thames  steamboats  is  pre- 
mature, though  we  admire  its  cheery 
optimism.  All  that  has  been  arranged 
at  present  is  that  the  six  steamboats 
will  be  offered  for  sale. 

v 

'Whenever  a  fog  is  present  my 
spirits  rise,"  says  a  correspondent 
in  The  Daifi/  Mail.  "  I  should  like  to 


if    1    uin    unique    in    tl. 
peria 

•i  is  quite  common 
among  footpads. 

V 

T/ir  Tribune  draws  attention  to  the 

that    the    Tube    Railways    are 

curiously  free  from  fog  however  dense 

it  may  be  above,  and  remarks  thut, 

if  scientists  could  find  the  reason  for 

this,  a  cure  for  the  fog  evil  might  be 

1.     We  are  not  a  scientist, 

but  we  would  confidently  ha/.urd  the 

conjecture  that  the  cure  would  be  to 

underground. 


its  readers  that  the  wooden 
dummies  on  board  The  II,  r,.  \\vrv 
exact  illations  of  British 

officers  and  men. 

V 

Just  as  Paris  always  has  the  last 
word  to  say  in  regard  to  ladies' 
fashions,  so  is  London  the  authority 
in  regard  to  everything  that  apper 
tains  to  men's  clothes;  and  a  remark- 
able tribute  has  just  been  paid  to 
our  city  in  this  respect.  A  gentle- 
man who  claims  tn  be  entitled  to  a 
share  of  the  famous  Page  estate  has 
come  all  the  way  from  Australia  in 
Hi-tier  that  his  suit  may  be  pr 

ban. 

V 

With  refer 
ence   to   the    im- 
pending      extcn- 
Zoo- 
lens, 

a  statement 
appeared  to  the 
effect  that  "  It  is 
intended  to  open 
the  new  enclo- 
s  u  re  s  next 
spring,"  and  a 
nervous  old 
•ieman  living 
iu  the  neigh- 
bourhood has 
written  to  en- 
quire the  nature 
of  the  animals 
who  are  thus  to 
be  allowed  their 
liberty. 


THE    GIFT 


TONGUES. 


Ditgtiried  Cotter  (who  lias  uptet  hit  earl  and  exhautted  hit  own  vocabulary,  to  iandirifh-man). 
EIE  T'ARE,  MATET  !    GIVE  cs  A  QUID'S  WORTH  !  " 


The  Daily  Chronicle,  speaking  of 
a  centenarian  inmate  of  Norwich 
Workhouse,  tells  us  that  she  "  was 
formerly  cleaner  at  a  local  church." 
The  authorities  resent  the  imputa- 
tion, and  deny  that  she  could  have 
been  cleaner  anywhere  than  she  was 

in  their  Workhouse. 

*  * 

We  understand  that  the  foreign 
correspondent  who  wrote  to  the 
Admiralty  for  permission  to  be  pre- 
sent at  the  secret  bombardment  of 
//.Af.S.  Hero,  was  informed  that  an 
endeavour  would  be  made,  if  he 
wished  it,  to  find  accommodation  for 
him  on  H.U.8.  //• 


sheet 


V 

Continental 


the  way,  a 

with    Any.loplii.be 


news- 
leanings   in- 


Court  and  Personal. 
Kunc/ion  Pottpmtd. 
"  The  police 
characterised  the 
statement  that 
the  students  were 
charged  by  the 
mounted  police  as  untrue.  The  five 
students  will  be  charged  at  Bow 
Street  to-day." — Daily  Telegraph. 


Research  of  the  Week. 

"  The  solo  literature  for  the  viola  is  very 
small  indeed.  Before  Brahms  contributed  to 
it  by  arranging  fur  the  viola  the  two  sonata* 
named  above  it  was  smaller  still." 


Heavens,  how  true. 


"  The  silk  hat  would  not  go  well  with  the 
limitless  veldt." — Wettminxter  Gazelle. 

This  is  why  hatters  are  always  so 

careful  to  distinguish  between  tin- 
two,  and  why  many  men  wear  a  silk 
hat  on  Sunday,  and  a  veldt  hat  on 
week-davs. 


DECEIIBUI  4,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


413 


LOVE  AND  ME.  LE  QUEUX. 

CONSIDERABLE  excitement  has  been 
aroused  by  a  passage  in  Mr.  LE 
QUEUX'S  latest  novel,  in  which  he 
propounds  with  great  eloquence  and 
force  his  philosophy  of  the  tender 
passion :  — 

"How  many  young  cynics  filled  to  the  gorge 
with  \veird  literature,  and  mature  people  who 
liave  themselves  loved  iu 
their  youth,  sneer  at  the 
word  '  love ' !  How  many 
times  we  have  heard,  in 
these  recent  days  of  motor- 
'  buses  and  the  attempt  to 
conquer  navigation  in  the 
air,  that  there  is  no  love 
without  interestedness ! 
And  yet  the  hard  facts  of 
everyday  life  are  distinctly 
opposed  to  such  a  theory. 
Glance  at  a  newspaper  and 
von  will  see  that  love  does 
still  'make  the  world  go 
round,'  as  it  ever  has  done, 
and  that  many  an  aching 
heart  beats  beneath  a  stifl 
shirt-front,  and  many  n 
broken  one  beneath  a 
jewelled  pendant." 

We  append  the 
comments  of  a  num- 
ber of  representative 
men  in  various  walks 
of  life  on  the  poig- 
nant analysis  of  the 
famous  fictionist. 

Canon  ARTHUR 
B  E  N  s  LE  Y  BENSON 
writes  as  follows  from 
Maudlin  College, 
Cambridge :  — 

"  Mr.  LE  QUEUX'S 
doctrine  of  the  illusive 
nature  of  appearances 
is  no  doubt  based 
on  extensive 
observation.  Like 
Ulysses  of  old,  he  has 
studied  the  habits  and 
visited  the  cities  of 
many  nations.  But, 
with  all  respect,  I 
humbly  venture  to 
submit  that  this  great 
philosopher  takes  a 
partial  view  of  the 
matter.  Persons  who 
wear  well-starched  shirt-fronts  have 
no  monopoly  of  misery.  One 
of  the  most  unhappy  men  1  have 
ever  known  habitually  wore  a 
flannel  shirt,  although  he  had  been 
educated  at  Eton  and  King's,  Cam- 
bridge. Personally  I  am  inclined  to 
think  that  a  very  stiff  shirt-front 
may  in  itself,  in  the  case  of  a 
highly-strung,  sensitive,  and  intro- 
spective nature,  be  a  cause  of  men- 
tal unrest.  For  when  all  is  said 
and  clone  mid  when  fill  allowance  is 


made  for  the  predominance  of  tho 
spiritual  element,  matter  docs  re- 
act upon  mind.  After  a  good  night's 
rest  I  think  nothing  of  turning 
out  5,000  words  between  break- 
fast and  luncheon,  but  if  1  have  been 
kept  awake  by  any  worry  and  failed 
to  get  a  solid  eight  hours'  sleep,  I 
find  it  hard  to  manage  more  than 
3,000  or  perhaps  3,500." 


Slie.  "  Now,  IBU'T  THIB  A  DDOKISH  TUCK  ?  " 
lie  (doiny  hit  bett).  "  En— QUITE  LOVISH  !  " 


Mr.  ALGERNON  ASUTON  writes:  — 
"  I  was  always  under  the  impres- 
sion that  when  a  heart  was  broken 
it  stopped,  and  its  owner  was  only 
fit  to  be  removed  to  his  family  vault, 
if  he  happened  to  have  one.  Yet 
Mr.  LE  QUEUX  speaks  of  a  broken 
heart  beating  beneath  a  jewelled 
pendant.  That  seems  to  mo  a  phy- 
sical impossibility.  I  may  add  that 
I  have  always  been  inclined  to  be- 
lieve that  it  was  not  love,  but  the 


music  of  tin1  spheres,  that  made  tho 
world  go  round." 

The   Secretary  of  the  Brpoklandx 
Automobile  Truck  writes  indignantly 
to    protest    against    the    assun. 
that  there  is  anything  in  the  po- 
of motoring  calculated  to  ini]>fiil  i!  •: 
existence   of   disinterested    nnY> 
"  Was  not  the  courtship  of 
of   SPAIN,"   he  asks,       mainly  con- 
ducted in  motor-cars? 
Are  not  the  pioi. 
of  the  motor-industry 
conspicuous   for  tln-ir 
domesticity?       W  i  t- 
ness  the  name   Mer- 
cedes, borne  by 
Spanish    girl.       It    is 
painful  to  think  that 
Mr.  Lr.  QUEUX,  him- 
self    the     possessor 
of   several   fine  cars, 
should  have  launched 
this  innuendo  against 
the  character  of  -.ornc 
of  the  best  sportsmen 
of  tho  community." 
The  Tailor  and  Cut- 
ttr  states  that  many 
of    the    best    people 
wear      soft- fronted 
shirts,      except,      of 
course,   in  the  even- 
ing.      An   ill-dressed 
man,     it    adds,     can 
never    have    a    well- 
balanced  mind.    l.« 
might  make  the  world 
go     round,     but     its 
course     could     never 
run  smoothly  without 
a  gooQ  wardrobe. 

Lord  AVEBURV,  <>i 
the  other  hand,  think: 
that  dress  has 
nothing  to  do  wit! 
happiness.  "  Bees,' 
ho  writes,  "  are  the 
happiest  creatures  1 
know,  and  they  dis 
pense  with  clothes 
altogether.  Again 
although  I  have  hat 
the  honour  of  liein; 
personally  acquainted 
with  many  quc«-i 
bees,  I  have  never  encountered  OIK 
who  wore  a  jewelled  pendant,  or,  in 
deed,  any  jewels  at  all." 

"  Australia  is  more  than  a  huudrci 
years  old,"  writes  Major  PUILII 
TREVOR  in  The  Daily  Telegraph 
While  wo  are  not  disposed  for  mu 
moment  to  doubt  his  statement,  WL 
would  point  out  that  the  value  of  an 
nouncements  of  this  kind  is  great  lj 
enhanced  by  some  supporting  proof. 


•ill 


1TNC1I,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


4,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

Mu.    A.    i:.    \\  .    '  lirolicn    Itoud    (SMITH, 

KLULU)  is  nn  admirable  example  of  what  can  be  made 
by  a  skilled  craftsman  out  oi  one  or  two  ideas,  a  mass 
Ol  literary  material  of  other  people's  manufacture,  utul 
the  customary  few  \\.  1^'  travel  in  a  strange  land. 
Its  main  idea  is  found  in  the  inlluen.  .dunce 

and  education  in  England  upon  tlio  character  of 
native  Indian  Princes.  Mr.  MASON  shows  such  influence 
to  be  pestilential,  and  considers  no  argument  on  the 
. ah.  r  side.  The  idea  is  not  quite  BO  new  as  the  author 
would  seem  to  want  us  to  believe  when  ho  makes 
a  British  Frontier  Resident  utter  from  his  death-bed  a 
warning  on  this  subject  for  the  benefit  of  tho  Indian 
Government.  Still,  that  was  some  time  ago,  a  score  of 
years  and  more  before  tho  tale  really  starts.  A  con- 
tributory idea  is  furnished  by  "The  Road,"  which  i> 
being  curried  forward  in  a  desultory  way  through  Chil- 
tistau  towards  the  Hindu  Kush,  and  serves  first  as  a 
bond  and  then  as  a  cause  of  severance  between  young 
Lin  forth,  in  whoso  family  tho  making  of  this  road  is  a 
tradition,  and  the  Prince  of  Chiltistan,  his  chum  at 
Eton.  For  his  Frontier  material  Mr.  MASON  had  at 
hand  such  books  as  Sir  GEOKI.I:  l;..i  KKTSON'S  Cliitral  and 
Mr.  K.NIGUT'S  Where  Thn-r  Empires  Meet,  and  for  the 
rest  a  great  abundance  of  Anglo-Indian  fiction.  He  may 
not  have  quite  reproduced  the  atmosphere  of  Oriental 
mystery  which  pervades  Mr.  KIPLING'S  Kim,  but  he 
has  made  a  very  readable  book.  Constructively  it  is 
rather  jumpy ;  some  of  its  brief  scenes  and  episodes  being 
drawn  from  too  wide  a  range  of  time  and  space, 
point  of  style  has  Mr.  MASON  brought  to  bear  on  tin's 
work  the  full  battery  of  gifts  and  graces  which  1 
at  command.  It  has  an  air  of  hurry ;  and  now  and  then 
its  manner  inclines  to  tho  obvious  and  otioso,  as  h«  i\ 
"  She  saw  a  small  figure  climb  a  stile  and  come  towards 
tho  house  along  a  footpath,  increasing  in  stature  as  it 
approached."  Still,  as  a  story,  The  Broken  Road  is  not 
likely  to  alienate  many  of  Mr.  MASON'S  multitudinous 
admirers.  • 

If  (as  we  shall  never  agree)  it  was  cither  desirable 
or  necessary  to  re-draw  Sir  JOHN  TENNIKL'S  unsurpass- 
able and  immortal  illustrations  to  Alice  in  Wonderland. 
Mr.  1;. UK » AM  may  bo  said  to  have  performed  the  task 
as  well,  probably,  as  any  draughtsman  could;  for  he  is 
an  artist  with  a  rare  sense  of  grotesque  fancy  and 
humour  and  an  extraordinarily  delicate  and  sensitive 
line.  But  it  were  better,  wo  think,  for  him  to  employ  his 
imagination  upon  his  own  rather  than  other  men's 
business.  Mr.  HKINKMANN,  the  publisher  of  the  new 
.I//-  • ,  has  secured  some  exculpatory  verses  from  tho  pen 
of  Mr.  DOBSON,  which  begin 

TU  t«  o-score  yean  since  CAUOLL'I  art 

With  topsy-turvy  magic 
Sent  Al  irr  wondering  through  a  part, 

Half  comic  and  half  tragic. 

The  tragedy  is  not  too  apparent ;  while  to  be  accurate  it 
is  two-score  years  and  two,  the  limit  of  copyright;  for 
had  it  been  less  Mr.  Hi  :M  MANN  would  not  have  been  in 
a  position  to  publish  this  edition  at  all. 

It   is  years  and  years  and  years   and  yoar-r-rs,   as 

f!\KRY   LAUDBB  hath  it,  siueo  J.   K.   6.  looked  for  tho 

millennium    when    the    KrnvAKDS    should    cense 

killing   and   the    H\...  suns    ride    i,,.   m.  r  these 

,re    still    with    us,    as    hale    and    hearty    as    ever. 


It  is  true  ;  (.f  the  RrnvAHD  has  been  silent 

for  all  too  long.      But   Mr.   JJ.M.I;AI;D  lias  recently  gone 
n-riding  «••  ••. c-r  the  seas  to  Spain. 

.ally  I   prefer  to  ride  with  him  across  countrv  in 
Africa  (where  ho  has  committed  the  M,l, •••ism  of  making 

1    of     burying    a     reputation).     Tho    jumblo    of 
Victorian  BJ  with  prehistoric  She's  and  mythical 

mines    apj  olboy    side    <,f    my    nature. 

i'air  Margaret  ( IIrrriUN>»N  ,,  who  li\.d  in  Tudor  times, 
and  got  mixed  up  with  FI:KI>INANI>  ai  •    .  I.A  and  the 

Inquisition,   and  a  wicked   Spanish   Marquis,   is  not  s<> 
much  to  my  taste,  perhaps  because  t! 
my  nature  is  suspicious  of  anything  that  appears  to  be 
however    i-i-inntoly    •  •!    with    history.      Still,    the 

lady  is  as  sueet  as  she  is  fair,  and  her  English  IOMT  as 
brave  as  an  Englishman  should  be,  and  their  adventures 
by  sea  and  by  land  arc  not  only  thrilling  but  possible. 
And    now,    as    Mr.    Kim  u    II.M.<;\iti>    h:.s    set    him    tin 
uxample,  perhaps  Mr.  KIPLINU  will  oblige  with  I 
or  a  bt"iy.      1'i-r   Tht    l'i  •••hwood  Uoy   |.\!A(-.MII.I 
only  an  old  friend  in  a  new  dress,  altered  to  tw 
former  bulk  by  the  addition  of  a  number  of  blank  : 
and    others    which    are    adorned    with    charming    and 
sympathetic  illustrations  by  Mr.  F.  H.  TUWNSI 


Of  Hibernian  writers 

And  novel  inditers, 
There  's  Inshins  at  present,  good,  rniddlin',  and  bad; 

But,  from  Kerry  to  Carluw, 

None  betters  JANE  BARL 
So  tenderly  quaint,  so  engagingly  sad. 

You  '11  search  in  her  stories 

In  vain  for  tho  glories 
Of  BRIAN  BORU  or  of    Donnybrook  Fair; 

But  tho  homely  emot 

Tho  dreams,  the  devoid 
That  fashion  the  heart  of  a  people  "are  there. 

The  last  of  her  labours 

Is  called  Irish  Neighbours, 
And  published  by  HUTCUINSON  down  in  the  Row. 

Six  shillings  the  price  is, 

And  Punch's  advice  is 
Buy,  borrow,  or  steal  it,  if  Ireland  you  'd  know. 


There  is  nothing  at  all  like  a  "  Kite.at  "  about  Ilia 
lliijhncss  Sandro,  though  he  comes  m  Mr.  HI:IM:MANN'S 
series  of  novels  of  that  name.     I  have  always  felt  that 
tho  impossibility  of  choosing  a  wife  at  will  would  cause 
mo  to  despise  tho  attractions  of  a  crown,  and  it 
that  this  little  difficulty  is  keenly   felt   l>y    Archdukes. 
In  this  case  tho  hero  solves  the  problem  by  obtaining  a 
divorce  and  going  into  exile  with  his  real  aliinity. 
is  an  abrupt  ruggedness  about  the  method  of  "l,\ 
that  makes  his  characters  very  bold  and  vivid,  and  this 
is  especially  tho  case  with  tho  heroine's  papa,  who  iu-\ei 
seems  to  speak  without  shouting.        '  Have  some  lea,' 
he  thundered,"  is  the  stylo  of  his  discourse.     But  that 
is  because  he  hates  "  courtly   life  "   and    politics,    and 
lives  in  tho  Circassian   hills.     It  is  her.-   tli  / 

the    Prince,    who    makes    stormy    love    to    In  i. 
LI',  by  the  way,  is  only  the  heroine's  short  name, 
really  NodtOJOa  1'nfli'nin  ;  but   possibly  because  it 
is  nut  polite  to  Bneese  in  exalted  circles  her  friends  gene- 
rally >.  ted  form.      Alto-i-thcT  //;.,   High- 
ncs»  iS'iim/r.i  is  a  powerful  sketch  of  tho  Russian  of  many 
ieal.    and    tender   by    turns;    but,    in 
,   with   tilt    •.  01  •!   pivd"inil::mt. 


DECEMKEB  U,  1007.J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHAIUVAEI. 


LONG-FELT    WANTS. 

ME.  AND  MBS.  OPPIT'S  HOUSE-PARTY  ARE  REQUESTED  TO  REGISTER  ANT  COMPLAINTS  AGAINST  THE  MANAGEMENT  is  THE  BOOS  PROVIDED  ro« 

T1IAT  PURPOSE. 


FROM  THE  SCIENTIFIC  SCRAP- 
HEAP. 

A  WELL-KNOWN  engineer  whose 
name  is  a  household  word  in  sewage 
circles  declares  that  the  continued 
inhalation  of  sewer  gas  in  a  con- 
centrated form  cannot  be  too 
strongly  discouraged  on  the  score  of 
health. 

***** 

Breathing  is  the  chief  source  of 
vitiation  of  the  atmosphere,  and  if 
people  could  only  be  taught  to  con- 
sume their  own  breath  political 
meeting,  etc.,  would  be  much  more 
enjoyable. 

*     •       *  *  *  * 

Parents  cannot  be  too  careful 
about  the  nature  of  the  sweets  they 
allow  their  little  ones  to  consume. 
A  Wolverhampton  food  inspector  re- 
cently obtained  samples  which 
proved  to  be  made  of  ferro-concrete, 


which,    though    undoubtedly    fire-re- 
sisting, is  apt  to  injure  the  coating 

of  a  tender  stomach. 

***** 

Few  people  are  aware  that  when 
there  are  no  matches  in  the  house 
fire  can  be  obtained  by  rubbing  two 
sticks  vigorously  together — but  it 

takes  longer. 

***** 

Brown-paper  can  readily  be  cut 
under  water  with  an  ordinary  pair  of 
scissors.  Care  should  be  taken  that 
both  paper  and  scissors  are  entirely 
submerged,  as  the  success  of  the  ex- 
periment depends  largely  on  the 

absence  of  vibration. 

***** 

If  crossing  the  Channel  docs  not 

make  you  sick,  try  soap,  followed  by 

ground  mustard  and  grease  in  warm 

water — or  other  mucilaginous  drinks. 

***** 

Ice  one-sixteenth  of  an  inch  thick 
will  support  a  crowd  of  people — if 


there  is  a  good  substantial  pavement 
underneath. 

***** 

It  is  said  that  the  blood  corpu 
contained  in  the  human  body,  if 
placed  end  to  end,  would  reach  four 
times  round  the  globe ;  but  no  one  as 
yet  has  had  the  hardihood  to  test  this 
assertion  by  practical  experiment. 


The  Limit. 

"  It  added  fresh  interest  to  the  occasion  that 
the  Communion  vcssela  were  used  for  the  first 
lime  after  having  been  electro-plato<l  in  a 
rhasle  manner  by  Mr.  J.  U.  S  -  jeweller. 
Hoi  vie."—  United  free  Church  «)  gMWM 
Mon'-Uy  KecarJ. 

"  Wanted  in  a  Merchant's  Office  •  well- 
educated,  gentleman}*  Youth,  with  a  knowledge 
of  shorthand  if  possible." 

If  such  a  conjunction  is  impossible, 
shorthand  must  be  an  even  more 
demoralising  pursuit  than  we  sup- 
posed. 


416 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DBCEMH*  11,  1907. 


TO    A    TOAST-MASTER. 

PKEPOSTKROUS  relic  of  a  golden  tiny 

When  living  programmes,  bellowing  nil  they  knew, 

meed  ii  knighth<xxl  fretting  for  the  fray, 
So  Hint  the  ring  mi^lit  gather  who  was  who — 

Which   habit 
In  you,  the  herald  of  the  after  dinner  lists; — 

How  I  abhor  you,  posed  behind  tin-  Chair, 

A  self-appointed  patron  of  tin-  feast, 
Miu-h  as  a  rooster  stands,   with  |..>in|..ius  air, 

Upon  his  midden  and  acclaims  the  11 

How  I  abhor  to  hear 
Your  throaty  tones,   intolerable  chant \c. 

Your  unctuous  tongue,  the  haunt  of  turtle  fat, 
Mouthing  the  qualities  of  J)uke  and   Lord, 

And  your  "  1'ray  silence  for  Sir  This  or  That, 
Which  cuts  the  stillness  like  a  rusty  sword, 
And  makes  the  wretched   Hart 

Mislay  the  opening  pleasantry  ho  had  by  h> 

Perchance  I  rise  to  pledge  the  Flag,  and  then 

You  interrupt  me,  just  about  to  sip, 
With  that  absurd  "  My  Lords  and  Gentlemen, 

The  toast  is  '  Greater  Britain.'  Hip!  Hip! !  Hi]>  III  " 

Which  always  puts  me  off 
So  that  I  have  no  stomach  left  to  cheer  or  quaff. 

At  times  I  feel  that  I  could  kill  you  dead. 

I  find  my  fingers  toying  with  a  knife. 
Then  suddenly  there  courses  through  my  head 

A  wave  of  pity — Heavens,  what  a  life! 

And  I  become  quite  sorry 
For  one  v/ho  suffers  such  a  deal  of  oratory. 

If  I  can  hardly  bear  it  who  attend 

These  public  orgies  once  or  twice  per  ann., 

What  must  it  be  for  you  who,  years  on  end, 
Endure  the  strain  (I  marvel  how  you  can!) 
Of  night-by-night  discourses 

Touching  the  merits  of  our  Military  Forces? 

Maybe  your  manner,  masterful  and  loud, 
Is  meant  to  hid?  a  heart  reduced  to  stone; 

Maybe  your  starchy  front  is  but  a  shroud 
For  something  tragic,  if  the  truth  were  known ; 
A  kind  of  hollow  crater 

With  cold  remains  of  what  was  once  a  human  waiter. 

So  in  my  finger-glass  I  weep  by  stealth, 

Musing  upon  the  irony  of  Fate, 
That  you,  who  call  the  toast  of  others'  health, 
Should  be  yourself  in  such  a  morbid  state — 

Your  breast,  once  warm  inside, 
Now,  through  incessant  speeches,  badly  petrified. 

0.   S. 


"  HUNT-THE-CRUISKl;." 

(Tht  tote  NaraZ  Game.) 

THK  British  Consul  at  Zanzibar  was  recently  obliged 
to  ask  assistance  from  a  German  cruiser  to  aid  in 
quelling  a  disturbance,  as,  thanks  to  the  new  Naval 
system,  there  was  no  British  warship  within  several 
hundred  miles.  At  the  time  of  the  Jamaica  earth- 
quake, it  will  be  remembered,  a  week  elapsed  before 
one  of  our  ships  arrived.  This  delightful  game  of 
"  Hunt-t he-Cruiser  "  need  not  be  confined  to  any 
particular  season  or  spot,  but  can  be  played  all  the 
year  round  and  very  nearly  all  the  world  round. 


THK  COSMOPOLITAN  CONTRALTO. 

Wi.  readied  Queen's  Hall  some  time  after  the  <•• 
had  started,  and  could  a  programme.     Just   as 

we  sat  down,  a  lady  in  u  rather  fetching  black  dress  ami 
•ne  on  to  the  platform,  smiling,  and  MONTY  and  1 
joinexl  in  tho  clapping  because  one  could  see  she  was  a 
nice  girl.  She  start'  1  her  song  on  a  long  note  like  a 
'cello. 

"  ].  i  :  .   '  '    •     i  in  an  under).  "  What 

d'you  call  Yin'.'     Contralto.      I  like  those  dirgy  things." 

"  1  'in    rather    taken    with    the    pian»-inan."     I 

I  always  admire  a  chap  who  knows  how  t<>  use  his 
weight.  " 

"  A   very  hearty   fellow.     That  .liter  of  his  i:- 

'|uiie  a   pretty   hit.     And  do  you  notice   that,   when   he 
gets  ill   with   both   fists  at  onee  in  the  bass,   the  other 
•    the   piano  jumps   in   the   air'.'  " 

"  I>ry   up,   dry   up.      Hark   to   DttryiMMi." 

\\Y  listened  hard  all  through  the  other  'ill  the 

finish,  and  ii  ly  \\orth  wh 

Mty  good,   isn't   she,   though'.'" 

"Oh,  not  so  dusty,"  said  MONTY.  "I  wish  she 
wouldn't  sing  in  French." 

"Italian.  l>idn't  YOU  hear  the  '  o's  '  at  the  ends  of 
all  the  words?" 

"No,  no.  Those  wen  the  French  '  e's  '  that  they 
leave  over  when  they  sing,  and  pronounce  '  uh.'  I  '11 
lay  you  a  level  guinea  about  it." 

"  These  sporting  offers  of  yours Well,    I  'II   go 

you  half-a-crown.     Who  's  got  a  programme'.'  " 

Somebody  behind,  with  an  oily  voice,  remarked: 
"  Allow  me  to  say  that  both  of  you  gentlemen  are  mis- 
taken. The  song  was  in  German.  I  am  well  acijuainteil 
with  it." 

This  was  in  the  nature  of  a  crusher.      We  both 
"German,  of  course;"  and    MONTY   remembered  gome 
reference    to    Hinterland    or    Kindergarten    in    the    first 
half.     Then  a  little  old  man  behind  the  oily  one  began 
croaking. 

"  It  is  a  German  song,  I  freely  admit;  but  if  you  will 
study  the  programme  for  a  moment  you  will  observe 
an  English  version  printed  beside  the  other;  and   tli'it 
is  the  one  Miss  ROBINSON  sang,  for  I  followed 
word  from  the  book." 


THE  MISSING  LETTER. 

The  Daily  Mail  recently  contained  an  advertisement 
of  The  St«i']>itig  Ady,  by  MAUKKK  HKWI.KTT,  and  we 
suggest  to  publishers  that  they  should  attract  the  notice 
of  the  Limerick-loving  public  by  drawing  up  their  lists 
on  "The  Missing  Letter"  plan.  As  an  example  we 
append  a  list  of  our  own  :  — 

'The  Square  Eg,"  by  W.  K.  NOKKIS. 
:ri- s  I   have  Et,"  by  Mrs.   STAWII.I.. 

'  Creat  (Jolfers  iii  the  Aking,"  by  JAMIS  HKAID  and 
ot  ,. 

The  Golden  Owl,"   by    HI;NKY  JAMKS. 

'  Mv  Lady  of  Hims,"  hv  FI.OIU:N<  K  WAHM  s. 

'  Tl  Oad,"  by' A.   K.   W.   M. 

'  Ally  Ho!  "  by   Hi  1.1  s   M  \m; 

'   \  Book  of  Aricatures,"  by  M.\\  IIM. 

'The  Secret  <icnt,"  by  JosKi'ii  CONRAD. 

'  II'-,"  bv  MIDI  .K  II  M,..MII>. 

'The  Kipper'i  Wo., ing."  by  W.  W.  JACOBS. 

'  Talkey   A   Co.,"   by    HrnYAiin    Kiri.i 

'  The  Wrong  Ox,"  by   H.   L.   STKVKNSOX  and  Li 

UNK. 


H 
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§ 

o 


r*H     u 

PH  "  I 
«d   ^  i 


:     o 

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PS 


" 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


Colby.   "NO   GOOD  TALK!*'   TO  A   BLACKOUABD   LIKE   'l*.   QfV'SOB.      TAKE   '13   BI.OOMIN'   ITOMBKR  !  "^ 


HENRY'S    IDEA 

OF  SOCIAL  SOLECISMS. 

RUSHING  into  HENRY'S  rooms  the 
other  day  to  talk  to  him  .about  the 
M.C.C.,  I  knocked  into  his  piano, 
and  for  the  hundredth  time  told 
him  what  a  fool  ho  was  to  put  it 
just  inside  the  door.  He  looked 
up  calmly  from  the  book  he  was 
reading. 

"Please  be  careful  of  the  piano- 
forte," he  said,  "  and  don't  swear  in 
front  of  Lady  GROVE.  Surely  you 
know  that  only  the  young  ladies  say 
'  Damn  '  nowaday* '.'  ' ' 

"  I  keep  on  telling  you,"  I  went 
on,  "  that  if  you  put  the  thing 
there — 

"  The  pianoforte  is,  as  usual,  in 
its  proper  place,  and  the  port-wine  is 
on  the  sideboard." 

"  Oh,  shut  up  about  your  beastly 


pianoforte.  What  is  that  book? 
Manners  (or  Mayors?  or  Polite  Con- 
versation for  Gentlewomen? 

HENRY  referred  to  the  title. 

"  It  is  called,"  he  said,  "  The 
Social  Fetich,  by  Lady  GROVE,  and 
it  tells  you  what  you  must  say  and 
what  you  mustn't  say  if  you  want 
to  be  received  in  Society ;  and  I  'm 
very  much  afraid  that  you  and  I, 
dear  friend,  will  not  be  there.  They 
will  miss  us,  ADOLPHUS,  they  will 
miss  us,  but  it  will  then  be  _  too 
late.  How  do  you  pronounce  '  en- 
velope '  ?  " 

••  Like  that." 

"  I  thought  so.     Poor  fellow.    H 
manners  had  not  that  repose  which 
stamps  the  caste  of  VF.KE  r>E  YERE. 
It  ought  to  be  '  enveloppe.'    \\hat  do 
you      do      with      your      mid-verbal 

'  h's  '?  " 

"  What  are  '  mid-verbal  h's  '?  " 


"  I  don't  know.    I  think  you  apply 
for  them  when  you   want  to  Icuv. 
Parliament.     Oh  no,  those  are  Cliil 
tern     Hundreds.       Sacred     to     the 
memory  of  ADOI.PIII-S,  who  was  cut 
for    giving    full    value    to    his    mid- 
verbal   'h's.'     P.S.— He   said   'pot- 
house '  when  he  ought  to  have  said 
1  potouse.'  ' 

HENRY   wiped   away   a   ten*, 
turned  over  the  pages  of  hl»  book. 

"  You  must  never  ait  In  the  middle 
of  a  hansom,  and  If  you  do  you 
mustn't  call  it  tho  centre.  I  can 
understand  that,  but  I  shouldn  t 
think  it 's  really  much  good  at  a 
I  mean  quite  a  lot  of  people 
must  slip  into  Society  over  that. 
For  instance,  Ix>rd  DALMENY  always 
takes  middle  and  leg  rather  thaji 
crtitre  and  leg,  but  then  BO  do  all  the 
..ruf,  ssionals.  Yet  I  'm  practically 
r,it:iin  that  at  least  one  Of  them 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  11.  !•.'•;. 


wouldn't    be    a    winner    on    '  • 

Again,  you  must  never  tulk 
'  corsets  '      :nul      '  clien 
I  I  'ill    not    Mir.-   tluit    I    ought    t.i   liuve 

read  this  book.)  Call  them  '  •( 
and  'shifts,'  like  an  F.nglishman. 
N..W,  I  should  think  that  that 
ostracises  quite  a  lot  of  decent 
people— people  who  belong  all  right 
to  the  Ant  '  :  L-ne,  but 

.  t  ]>aid  their  subscriptions 
yet  to  the  other  one.  On  the  other 
hand,  the  really  important  by-law 
that  a  cup  of  tea  shouU  !•••  til 
full  that  there  is  no  room  left  for  the 
milk  lets  in  practically  all  the 
A.B.I',  and  British  Tea  Table  staff. 
Let  us  hope  they  would  got  ploughed 
on  the  vicd-voce. 

"  Whenever  I  read  a  book  I  always 
try  to  imagine  the  author  to  myself. 
Now  I  have  been  thinking  about 
Lady  GROVE,  and  I  have  begun  to 
feel  very  sorry  about  it  all.  Ib-rs 
must  be  a  hard  life — full  of  disap- 
pointments. Suppose  that  some 
strange  man  takes  her  in  to  dinner. 
He  begins  to  talk  about  music  or  pic- 
tures or  people  or  something,  care- 
fully avoiding  mid-verbal  '  h's  '  and 
any  reference  to  hansom-cabs.  1 ' 
sert  comes,  and  it  is  still  a  question 
whether  he  is  beyond  the  pale  or  not. 
Lady  GROVE  accordingly  proceeds  to 
business.  '  Do  you,"  sne  asks  him, 
'play  the — er — violin?'  Of  course 
she  wants  to  put  the  pianoforte  test 
on  him,  but  he  replies  perhaps  that 
the  flute  is  his  instrument.  '  \Vhere 
are  you  now?  '  she  tries  again.  '  Are 
you  in  the  country  ?  ' .  '  Yes, '  he 
says  quite  safely,  because,  after  all, 
there  can  only  be  one  way  of  pro- 
nouncing '  jres.'  Of  course  if  he  had 
said,  '  No,  in  town,'  he  would  have 
been  done — cut  for  ever  after  for  not 
saying  '  London.'  But  the  hostess 
is  rising;  it  is  no  time  for  half- 
measures.  Hurriedly  Lady  (iuovi: 
puts  her  last  question  :  '  Do  you  say 
envelope  or  envelope?  '  '  Onvelope," 
he  says,  hoping  for  the  cocoanut. 
She  draws  herself  up  to  her  full 
height  and  sweeps  away  from  him. 

And  I  do  think,"  said  HKNKV 
bitterly,  "  that  it  is  terrible  to  think 
of  the  numbers  of  decent  men  and 
women  who  have  passed  unscathed 
through  the  pianoforte  and  teacup 
ordeals,  only  to  be  biffed  on  '  enve- 
lopes.' ' 

"  Ought  you  to  say  '  biffed  '?  "  I 
asked  mildly. 

"  I    am    not   sure,"    said    II 
"  Lady  GROVE  is  very  keen  on  the 
purities  of  the  English  languag- 
tin-  value  of  a  refined  ear;  but  she 
comes  some  pretty  bad  croppe; 
self  now  and  then.    For  instance,  she 
jeers  at  a  writer  for  making  one  of 


•ckni'ys    say,    '  1  'in    orf,'    and 

•  unce 

it       \Vell,    1  'm*  not    much   on    these 
I    myself,     but     1     should     have 
lit    that    an    ear    suHicicmly   re- 
to    write    this   book    could    have 
distinguished     bet  v 
1  orf.'     She  has  a  passing  Ih'ck  at  the 
bounder   who  could    use  'like'   with 
,'..    hut    she    h.  is,  If    gives    us    a 
\ery    pleasant    'and    which,'    and    (in 
another  place)  a  sentence  which   has 
no    principal    verb    at   all. 
talks    about    a    thing    being    ,  n     <'ri- 
.    and    us.-s   frei  Iv    that    horrible 
:newhat.'       An. I.     while     we 
are   on    the   Mined    taste   busin<          '. 
must  remind  you  to  read  the  humor- 
ous   reference    to    Kl.l.l.MI    going    Up    to 

n.       I    am    !>•  to    argue 

about  its  merits,  hut  it  really  is  a 
fact,  and  I  think  that  I.ady  CIK..VK 
ought  to  know  it,  that  that  style  of 
joke  is  extraordinarily  popular  in  the 
suburbs,  Balham  and  places  which 
she  has  probably  never  heard  of — 
suburbs,  mark  you,  full  of  women 
who  have  '  nightdress-cases.'  ' 

"  lint  surely,"  I  said,  "  it  is  wry 
kind  of  Lady  <ii;o\r.  to  lower  her- 
self to  our  level  now  and  then.  She 
has,  no  doubt,  written  her  book  with 
the  idea  of  restoring  the  'outcast,' 
and  in  order  to  help  she  has  first  to 
stoop." 

"  Unfortunately  she  doesn't  always 
tell  the  outcast  what  to  do.  For  in- 
stance, she  says  (with  a  shudd  T) 
that  certain  ladies  '  probably  place 
their  husbands'  cards  in  the  hall  as 
they  leave  the  house.'  Now,  how 
are  the  poor  things  to  know  where 
they  went  wrong?  Is  the  empha-is 
on  the  husbands  or  the  cards,  or  the 
hall  or  the  leave'.'  The  ways  of 
Society  are  strange.  Would  it,  I  can 
hear  them  asking,  be  all  right  if  they 
placed  their  Imthrrn'  cards  or  their 
husbands'  liata  in  the — bathroom  (?) 
as  they  entered  the  house?  " 

II  INKY  filled  and  lit  a  pipe,  and 
sat  smoking  thoughtfully. 

"  Well,"  he  said  at  last,  "  women 
do  funny  things,  and  so,  I  MI: 
Lady  GROVE  has  written  this  book. 
After  all,  it  won't  hurt  us  much.  We 
shall  worry  on  as  before.  You  see, 
we  aren't  women  and  we  aren't  hus- 
bands, and  so  we  don't  mind. 
think  it  is  the  husbands  1  pity 
meal 

"  Why'."' 

"  Well,  most  husbands  have  Rome 

bushier  ..r  other  to  attend  to.     They 

do    t.-ll    mo    that    even    in    the    very 

highest  circles  some  of  the  husbands 

>rs   of   companies.      In    the 

doubt,    such    men    would 

pass  all   the   tests,   would   he   in  with 

all  the  v.  rv  I  I'.ut  in  tl 


1'ity      I    .-.  v,  ould    have    to 

JO  to  the  City  now  and  then'.'  they 
would  mi\  with  commoner  men.  1 
don't  know  what  directors  do,  but  it 
might  so  happen  that  they  would 
to  write  a  letter.  Perhaps  they 
would  ha\e  to  ask  some  inf.-n 
an 

"  Ah,  well,  the  double  lif. 

A     \    M. 


W  \\TF.I  >     I 

[In  an  address  given  at  'I If    1  nl-.-i-  • 
l.\i..!i;i:..u.  nl  u-i  .11   «as  made  to  tin-  K 
f  living  author*  who  hare  to  con>|*Ur  uiili  !'.,•• 
-'  "' 
WHY  so  bar.-  the  l..:ird  beside  me? 

Why  my  hearth  so  cold  and  dead'.1 
Wherefore  should  mv  IMISOIII   flutter 
When    I  'T6  butter 

With    my    bread'.' 
Why  is  sacred  fan; 

Why  am  1  forbidden  to 
Join  the  poets,  peers  and  > 
In  the  pages 

Of   in,,.  '»  ll'/i,,'.' 

•;ie  slim  green  tomes  I.,  f.  -re  \ou 
Filled  with  many  a  master  line, 
F.pics,    tru  otlifllt'ti 

i   ,S'<.r,/<'J/<>8 — 
All   an-   mine. 
\ii1Jn  nun  donandiiK  luiiru 

Well    to    me    the    Words    apply, 
For  I  HIM  in  truth  a  poet — 

Who  should   know   it 
If  not  I? 

I  alone  can  fairly  pri/e  them, 
I  alone  can  judge  their  art ; 
Kvery  glowing  phrase  1  minted, 
Each  is  printed 

On  mv   heart. 
No  one  else  can  criticise  them — 

It  would  simply  hi'  absurd 
I -'or  then-  's  no  one,  fool  or  ch-ver, 
Who  has  ever 

Head  a  word. 

Why  am  I  so  sore  neglect 

that  1   am   undersold. 
Faced    with    undeser\ed   disaster 
By  the  master 

Minds  of  old. 
Mll.ToN   is  no  more   affected 

];•.    the  thought  of  author's   : 
SiiAhsri  MI)     cannot   eat,    and    there- 
fore 

Doesn't  care  for 
I  |o\  allies. 

Thought  of  tailor 

I'  .    ts   who   ha\e   joined    the    1  '• 
Mutehcr,    baker,    tax-collector 

No    Slicll    Spectre 

Haunts    their   r 
I  have  endless  lif 

On  this  hither  side  of  St  . 
Penny  buyers  they  may  sin 
1  must  din. 

Four  and-six. 


DECEMBER  11,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


421 


THE  NARROWING   YEARS. 

THERE  is  one  bell  whoso  solemn  toll, 

Re-echoing  from  door  to  door, 
Inspires    regret    that    years    should 

roll, 
And  makes  me   pine  to  be  once 

more 

The  hopeful  little  specimen 
I  was  at  ten. 

'Tis  not  the  mellow  minster  chime 
That  gives  me  that  internal  pain, 

Nor  golden  memories  of  a  time 
When,  pilgrim  to  somo  rural  fane, 

I  suffered  penance  in  a  shirt 
And  boots  that  hurt. 

'Tis  not  the  cadence  that  recalls 
Young  England  to  her  half-cooked 

sums ; 

However  deeply  manhood  palls, 
I    crave    no    more    with    chosen 

chums 

To  take  the  print  of  Culture  warm 
Across  a  form. 

But    when    through    wild    deserted 

squares 

(Oblivious  of  the  local  ban) 
I  hear  submit  his  sheeted  wares, 

Shy  trafficker!   the  muffin-man, 
'Tis  then  I  hunger  to  resume 
My  boyhood's  bloom. 

Behold  the  infant,  when  he  eyes 
Those    humid    and    unwholesome 
spheres, 

Dissolve  in  buttered  ecstasies ! 
What    knows    he    of    the    coming 


\ 


years 

When   wisdom's   tooth   would 
Her  plunge 

Into  a  sponge  ? 


light- 


Alas  that  with  a  widening  girth 
Capacity  should  grow  less  free  1 

Where  is  the  unaffected  mirth 

That  used  to  hail  a  monstrous  tea  ? 

The  crumpets  of  a  balmier  day, 
Oh,  where  are  they? 


liutchcr.  "Tuis  ONE,  Mm?"  Old  Lady.  "No." 

Butcher.  "  Tnis  ONE  ?    Tuis  ONE  ?  "  Old  Lady.  "  No. 

Butcher.  "Jcsr  TELI.  UE  WHEN  I'M  omm'  WIBM,  LADY  !  " 


No." 


There  is  another  mystery  in  con- 
nection with  the  "  Druce  case  " 
which  has  yet  to  bp  solved.  Accord- 
ing to  The  Westminster  Gazette  : 

"Mr.  Atherley-Jones  reverted  to  the  name 
of  the  ship  by  which  she  returned  from 
America,  and  asked  whether  witness,  who  was 
then  fourteen  years  was.  Witness  said  she 
could  not." 

This  is  most  unsatisfactory. 


"Mr.  Churchill  has  told  the  Nandi  chiefs 
that  the  land  is  theirs  for  ever.  He  has  left 
for  Uganda." — Renter. 

It  looks  as  if  the  Nandi  chiefs  had 
heard  of  some  of  his  election  pledges. 


Money  Hatters. 

We  extract  the  following  gem  from 
an  article  by  Mr.  L.  G.  CHIOZZA 
MONEY,  M.P.,  in  The  Morning 
Leader.  The  scene  is  a  civic  ban- 
quet at  Munich,  which  Mr.  MONEY 
attended. 

"  Then  uprose  my  good  friend,  Max  Nonnen- 
bruch,  artist  and  good  fellow,  clad  in  a  majestic 
robe  of  purple  and  with  a  chaplct  bound  to  his 
manly  brows.  And  this  is  what  be  recited  to 
us  about  German  beef : 

Beef  rises  daily  on  Kxchange, 
For  flesh  there's  none,  so  that  of  late 
I'm  glad  I'm  not  a  magistrate 
To  swe.it  of  care  for  what's  to  eat 
\Vhen  Michael's  stomach  cries  for  meat 
Such  dainties  now  we  serve  on  gold, 
And,  Britons,  all,  let  it  be  told : 
Our  German  Beef  as  gold  is  rare ! 
We're  indebted  for  this  to  our  Govern- 
ment's care !  " 
May  we  congratulate  Mr.   MONEY 


on  his  very  feeling  translation  of  a 
pretty  little  poem?  These  trans- 
lations from  the  German  are  not 
easy.  Mr.  MONEY  himself,  as  anyone 
can  see,  has  real  poetic  skill— the 
way  he  dodges  a  rhyme  for  "  Ex- 
change "  is  enough  to  show  that. 
It  is  of  course  an  axiom  among 
political  economists  that  ' '  Money 
makes  money,"  and  that  last  line  ol 
his  causes  us  to  feel  that  he  would 
do  it  very  well  at  Limericks. 

Smithfleld  Martyrs. 
It  is  rumoured  that  a  novel  feature 
of  the  Smithfield  Club's  Show  this 
year  will  be  a  display  of  fat  cattle 
driving  by  the  Hon.  WALTER  ROTH 
SCHILD,  but  there  is  no  confirmation 
of  the  report  that  the  Irish  agitator 
Mr.  GISNELL,  M.P.,  has  been  sped 
ally  engaged  to  incite  him. 


42S 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CH.UIIYAIM. 


11,  1007. 


CHRISTMAS    BOOKS. 

By   Aunt    .S/o;iinvr.    ansisted    Inj   her 
-.nning   Little    Daughtir. 

OSCE  again  my  table  gruuns  bc- 
•  .us  supply  of  review 
copies  of  aelightful  books  for  tie 
children,  which  directly  I  have 
glanced  lit  I  shall  imck  off  to  the 
second-hand  booksell.  -r's ;  mul  once 
again  I  must  remind  you,  dear 
modern  child,  of  your  good  for- 
tune in  being  born  and  brought  up  in 
such  a  time  as  this,  when  hundreds 
of  cl«  and  women  are  toiling 

all    (i  with    pon    and    [ 

just  to  inn' 
laugh  for  five  minutes 
at  Christmas.  For  I 
take  it  that  five 
minutes  is  as  much 
as  is  given  to  any 
of  these  myriad 
volumes,  of  which, 
of  course,  you  can- 
not have  too  many. 

I    pick    at    random 

from  the  huge  bundle 

a  gaily-covered   little 

volume     in     the 

of 

Clever  Idiocy  for 
B  abes,"  without 
which  no  nursery  is 
complete.  It  is 
called  Tlir  Boptious 
Borrygoth,  and  is  a 
perfect  mine  of 
charming  fun  and 
fancy.  The  text  is 
tjy  Mr.  WidoLES- 
\VOKTII  FBEKE,  so  well 
known  for  his  more 
serious  work;  and  the 
pictures  are  by  his 
charming  daughter, 
Miss  IKKXK  FREKE, 
whohasalready 
made  a  name  for  her- 
self at  the  Slade. 


certainly  prater  your  purvi  ' 

fur    Tin'     \\ild       ' 
until  sou  eet  it. 


they     would     write    some    new 
about  those  p  more 

-  like  1',  (<  r  l',ni  iiii.l  Alice.   But 


I    can    heartily    welcome    ul.-o    the    I    like  these   new   books    very    much 
brilliant     satires     on     Parliamentary    indeed.     I  cannot  have  too  many.     I 


life,    .  •  lamed    ill    lltillick- 


•nl  Mtnldlid  Moral*,  by 
Mr.   (  fled  of  living 

wits       No   child   ran    fail    I" 

,  ciichimteil  by  these  high- 
spirited  attack-  OD  I'.ritish  snobbery 
and  insularity,  with  thrir  convulsing 
picturesof  Mr  1  .1  OSIHAS  I-'I.ACK.  ]  .....  g 
.  -  these  gentlemen  have  been  in 
collaboration,  they  li  .  B  no- 

thing    SO     giM.il      MS     tills.        In      flirt 


II. 


Hi  -iv  is  a  book  about  the  dear  old 
nursery  rhymes,  H<  ij-diddlf-diddlc, 
and  It  In  ,"ii  <j<'i»<J  I",  my 

iiinid'.'  and  others.  Tin    |:<-tures 


most     pretty     and 
funny.     1  m--d  nut  tell  \..n  unylhing 

the-.e 

nursery   rhyn.'  il   HH   I  do.      I 


!  inn  -i»yi  |  ) 


love     tills     lxx>k. 
is  lovely. 


1. 


THE  "MULTUM  IN  PARVO"   BILLIARD  TABLE  FOH   I'sK  IX 
IIAII.WAY  CARRIA 


How  nice  to  think  of  father  and 
daughter  thus  laying  their  gifted 
heads  together  for  the  amusement  of 
the  nursery. 

Another  book  which  no  nursery 
should  be  without  is  The  Wild 
H'ump*imum«,  the  irresistibly  comic 
history  of  the  Wumpsimumt  family 
of  children— six  boys  and  six  girls— 
who  get  into  one  long  and  delirious 
series  of  fascinating  scrapes.  How  I 
envy  you,  dear  child,  your  joy  as 
you  read  this  book,  which  out- 
Carrolls  CARROLL  and  out-I.<  .us  I.i  \i: 
in  every  direction.  Not  that  that  is 
a  particularly  difficult  thing  to  do, 
for  it  is  said  by  someone  of 
writer  of  nonsense  to-duy,  but  I  use 
the  phrases  deliberately  ami  am  pre- 
pare,! to  stanrl  by  them.  You  must 


nothing  so  good  has  been  done  since 
the  immortal  Mr.  BARRIE  invented 
the  dear,  delightful,  never-to-be-for- 

gotten  /',  ti  r  I'an. 

For  the  rest  of  the  notices  I  have 
hit  upon  the  happy  idea  of  asking  a 
little  girl  of  my  ac'iuaintanci-  to  give 
me  her  impressions,  and  this  she  has 
done.  I  print  her  n-\  iews  below.  She 
is  only  eight,  and  such  a  dear  little 
flaxen-haired  creature.  1  wish  \OM 
could  see  her.  She  is  so  proud  to  be 
a  real  live  p-\  i  \MT  and  Inn- 
opinions  in  print,  and  no  wonder. 


I   must  say  that  I  like  fairy  books 

and    am    ah  1    to    lead 

the  M'.ries  v.  Inch  I  know  about , 

<'indiT<-lI<i  and   Sni>ir-]\'hitr.      I   wish 


lit. 

I     lo 

litlti. 

and  "  Haiti.-  "  are  a 
mouse  and  a  rat .  The 
mouse  runs  a- 
and  goes  on  a  ship, 
which  is  wrecked. 
but  it  gets  on  a  hen- 
coop, aiM  and 
dreams  it  is  at  th>- 
bottom  of  the  sea 
with  a  beautiful  mer- 
maid. Then  it  . 
to  shore  on  a  turtle's 
hack,  and  meets 
iltie,"  and  goes 
up  with  him  in  a 
balloon.  They  get 
on  very  well,  and  at 
last  arrive  home 
again.  The  pict 
are  M-ry.  very  nice. 
I  love  this  hook  as 
much  as  any.  The 
pictures  are  lovely. 
I  lovu  them. 

IV. 

Tin-  /in Itjy  /•' 
Talcs  I  love.  1  ha\e 
read  it  twice,  and  shall  read  it  again 
if  I  'm  spared.  [Isn't  that  a  nice 
childish  touch?— A  TNT  Si.oi-o\iu. 
The  thing  on  the  cover  is  the  "  Tip- 
Tip  Bird."  I  burst  with  laughter 
whenever  I  think  of  that  funny 
name.  I  love  this  book  because  the 
writing  and  illus  you  know  the 
wop  I  I  mean — are  so  lovely. 

Tol'MI.    Sl.ol-oM  K,    AliE   8. 


Stands  Swanage  where  It  Did  P 

The  latest  winning  Limerick  : 

"  In  a  t'.inl.-ii  i..  .im* 

( 'in  Si-llv  HJtn  and  dreams 

Of  r,  HiulllC  ttkitlll 

And  J«|>-a-iii'  slnrlH 

t.  in  "Nn-<i//.'iiii  .\  (•«*." 


"'  1907"J 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Dejected  Traveller.  "I  SAY,  PAT,  DID  YOU  EVEB  MAKE  AM  IDIOT  OF  YOCRSELF  ABOCT  A  WOMAN?" 
Pat.  "A.v  IDJUT,  is  UT?    SDBB  I'VE  HADE  SIESILF  AS  IMTIBK  ASYLUM." 


THE  GREAT  CHESS  MATCH. 
IMPRESSIONS. 

[Specially  con'ributed  lo  "  Punch"  by 
Sir  Kennedy  Bart.] 

I. 

As  the  men  sat  down  there  was 
silence.  The  moment  had  come. 

Fronting  them  lay  the  issue.  And 
an  issue  vastly  broader  and  deeper 
.han  a  personal  issue.  The  checking 
of  whose  king  was  a  thing  of  itself 
ncidcntal.  The  supreme  fact  was 
..hat  here  were  two  men  who  were 
o  express  the  instinct  of  combat. 
3f  rivalry.  The  terrible  primeval 
nstinct  of  aggression. 

Which  has  made  England  what 
t  is. 

Rule  Britannia. 

n. 

The  board  is  set.  The  players 
;yed  each  other  curiously.  SMITH 
was  an  Anglo-Saxon;  spectacled, 

eserved.    A  man,  you  would  say,  of 
!eep   reserve.     JONES   was  a   Latin- 

"oklng  man;  quiet,  cautious.  A 
Jiinker.  For  a  while  they  were 
silent,  considering,  doing  nothing. 
And  SMITH'S  hand  shot  out,  and  he 


moved  his  king's  pawn.     But  JONES 
moved  his  king's  pawn  also. 

in. 

The  two  pawns  were  fronting  each 
other.  And  fronting  them  lay  the 
issue.  An  issue  vastly  deeper  and 
broader  than  a  personal  issue.  The 
checking  of 

See  Section  I. 

But  JONES  moved  his  queen  also. 
He  moved  his  king's  pawn,  and  now 
he  moved  his  queen.  As  he  moved 
his  queen  the  watchers  held  their 
breath.  On  and  on  he  moved  it. 
Another  square  and  he  would  be  off 
the  board. 

No,  he  has  stopped.  Those  who 
were  watching  were  now  breathing 
freely  and  easily.  He  has  stopped 
in  front  of  the  castle. 

The  queen  in  front  of  her  castle  ! 
The  supreme  instinct  of  defence  1 

IV. 

The  fourth  hour.     He  has  lost  his 
queen.      SMITH    has   lost  his   qi. 
But  ho  leads.     For  he  has  taken  two 
pawns.        And  they  are  at  it  glori- 
ously again. 

Again!  Oh,  the  indomitable  in- 
stinct. JONES  has  lest  another  pawn. 


And  another.     Surely  this  man  has 
always  been  losing  pawns.     Go  on ! 
Go  on !     A  bishop !    JONES  has  lost 
a  bishop. 
No,  it  is  only  another  pawn. 

v. 

And  things  went  on,  and  here  was 
the  eighth  hour.  [And  the  latt  sec- 
tion.— ED.]  JONES  is  done,  but  he 
fights  on.  He  has  lost  another  pawn, 
but  he  fights  on.  Good  old  English- 
mail.  He  has  a  Latin-like  face,  but 
1  he  is  an  Englishman.  And  ho  does 
not  know  when  he  is  beaten.  And 
he  is  beaten. 

Beaten  !    But  what  of  that  ? 

No  man  is  really  beaten  who  fights 
to  the   end.      His   defeat   is    a 
sacrifice   offered   up   to   the  glorious 
god  of  combat. 

The  instinct  of  fight.  The  men 
of  England  must  never  forget  that 
th'-y  nwi-  i-\i  rvtliing  to  the  instinct 
of  light.  JUNKS  is  beaten,  but  he  is' 
still  an  Englishman.  Su  is  SMITH. 
•  Britannia. 


.. 


CHINESE  geew,  some  laying' 
(iandor»."-  l-'armanJGarJfH.' 


1907 

There  's  true  enterprise  for  you. 


124 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11,  1007. 


"*"  -»       ~^=r—^&J? 


7;/<j.cr  (harinj  diechiryeil  wtajan  at  a  rabbit).  "  DID  1  HIT  1IIU  ?  " 


;;:.     \n»  Tig  Etrurs! 


THK  HOHXPIPK. 

1  DON'T  know  who  was  llic  one  to  plan  it, 
But  fair-haired  Pm.t.Y 
Ami  brown-haired  MOI.LIK, 

They  shrinked  with  delight  and  then  began  it ; 
And  I  was  admitted  a  little  later 

I  Sworn  to  the  secret  on  bell  and  book 
Before  I  was  ever  allowed  to  look) 
To  sit  where  I  liked  as  a  free  spectator. 

The  one  was  eight  and  the  other  six. 
And  both  were  up  to  no  end  of  tricks. 

Their  eyes  were  glancing, 

Their  eyes  were  dancing, 

Before  their  feet 

Had  moved  to  the  beat 
Of  the  piano  that  soon  was  to  set  them  pran- 

A  moment  or  two  they  stood,  and  then 

They  folded  their  arms  like  sailor-men. 

Their  cheeks  were  glowing,  their  eyes  do, 

And  they  cocked  their  two  little  heads  af 

As  sailors  have  done  from  age  to  age, 

At  least  all  sailors  who  tread  the  stage. 

Then  tin-  music  sounded, 

And   Poi.LY  boun  . 
And  MOLL,  with  n  rii  . 
She  started  in  and  went  houndin- 


In  and  out 

And  round  about 

They  S\MIII^'  and   s\\^ 

A>  tin-  iiiusii-  |>l:i\i-d. 
could  fancy  you  Beard  tin 
A-^   the  sprity  saluted   each   hold   A.  I;.. 
And  the  clapping  hands  of  the  jolly  tars 
Ki-lc  used  from  tin-  work  of  sails  ai.  ; 
And  thrir  ehr.-r*  nnd  songs  and  tlu-ir  briny  wit, 
As  their  two  little  messmates  i<.oti-il  it. 

And  soon,  as  the  merry  notes  \\.-re  jifniiif,', 
They  set  to  \\oik  and   went    up  the  ri^'i 

In  a  short  sharp  climb — 

But   they    hept    P 

They  gripped   the   ropes   with   their  sturdy    l,n. 
And   climbed    like   eats   to    the    hi^'h    en 
And  then   with   never  n   i.  cheek 

They    landed,    stamp,    on    the   sounding   deck. 
Oil,    1    doubt    if   the    tale   Would    be    In  lieVed 
Of  the  ropes  tin  \   himled  nnd  the  leads  they  heaved, 

<  »f     tile     fe"t      tlle\ 

And    the   hair   they   t»ss..l, 

i    the    eaptiiline    \' 
Ami   the   sunny   sun 
Of  t  •  '  \  rippety   sailor  | 

;ev  tiNiukled  through  with  their  hornpipi    f 
Till  hen  I  thought  they  must  ba\e  iliopjied. 

With  ;  •'!. 

H.  C.  L. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIMVARL— Dmsiiiini  11,  1907. 


THE    STATIONARY    CRUSADER. 

PRESIDENT  ROOSEVELT.  "FOLLOW   ME!"  (or  35,000  word*  to  tJiat  effect.) 
[Sec  tho  President's  Message  to  Congress.] 


11.  1907.]  PUNCH._ORTHE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


437 


m% 

-$&?-  -~ 


A  SCREW   LOOSE. 

Ouner  of  Screw  (icho  has  taken  a  tot»).  "  HAVE  vou  SEEK  A  LOOSE  BOMB  ?  " 

Sweep.  "  Yuss,  THERE  's  A  'oss  ji  ST  GOKE  IT  TOE  LAM«." 

Oicner,  "  WHAT  DID  HE  LOOK  LIKE?" 

Stcecp.  "  LOOK  LIKE  ?     WELL,  'E  LOOKED  LIKE  ABOOT  HVE  BOB  A  LSO,  I  saoi  LI>  BAT." 


PHANTOMS  TO  LET. , 
HAUNTED  houses  (says  the  Daily 
Mirror  of  December  5)  are  in  great 
demand  just  now,  especially  with 
Americans,  who  have  a  taste  for  the 
historical  variety  of  ghost,  and  will 
pay  any  price  demanded  for  a  resi- 
dence frequented  by  the  shade  of 
QUEKN  ELIZABETH. 

We  do  not  know  whether  her  late 
Majesty  is  capable  of  emulating 
BOYLE  ROCHE'S  bird  and  simul- 
taneously enlivening  various  de- 
mesnes in  different  parts  of  the 
country ;  nor,  bearing  in  mind  her 
well-known  and  imperious  temper, 
could  we  guarantee  that  she  would 
condescend  to  oblige  the  descend- 
ants of  her  Virginian  planters. 
We  have,  in  fact,  no  influence  what- 
ever in  that  quarter  ourselves,  and 
MIV  not  at  all  sure  of  her  presml 
addivss.  The  only  hope  would 
appear  to  be  that  some  reliable  firm 
that  understands  these  delicate  nego- 
tiations should  take  the  matter  in 
hand,  and  persuade  her  Majesty  to 


overlook  the  little  difference  of  1776 
and  to  pay  a  round  of  country-house 
visits  during  the  festive  season.  The 
Royal  terms  would  be  probably  high, 
and  considerable  tact  would  be  re- 
quired to  bring  the  affair  to 
business-like  footing;  but  if  due  con- 
sideration be  shown  by  her  American 
hosts  and  no  "  clash  dates  "  booked 
with  MARY  QUEEN  OF  SCOTS  we  have 
reason  to  think  that  a  short  and  suc- 
cessful series  of  stimulating  Tudor 
week-ends  might  be  arranged. 

This  would  seem  to  be  a  feature  of 
house-letting  agency  which  is  capable 
of  great  development.  At  present  a 
satisfactory  and  accurate  register  of 
ghosts  is  sadly  lacking.  A  County 
Directory  should  be  forthwith  com- 
piled. It  might  take  the  form  of  a 
Who  's  Who  of  leading  spooks, 
such  as  ANNE  BOLEVN  of  Hampton 
Court,  OLD  JEFFREY  of  Epworth,  and 
other  celebrities.  The  rather  confus- 
ing number  of  Grey  Ladies  would 
thus  be  differentiated.  Telepathic 
addresses  and  recreations  should  in 
all  cases  be  given  where  possible. 


Some  provision  could  doubtless  be 
made  for  exchange  of  incumbenciefl, 
as  many  apparitions  must  be  tired 
of  haunting  the  same  spot  and  wouM 
be  glad  of  a  change  of  scent*.  Tlie 
Berkeley  Square  ghost,  for  instance, 
would  appreciate  a  trip  to  Glumis. 
and  vice  vcrsd.  Eventually,  u  cir- 
cuiating  scheme  could  be  evolved,  or 
spectres  taken  in  en  jirnxion  by  tin- 
week.  We  quit  this  fascinating  sub- 
ject with  regret,  but  hope  enough 
has  been  indicated  for  the  assistance 
of  Yankee  phantom-huntcrx. 

ZIGZAG. 

Unrest  in  India. 

"  I  am  quite  satisfied  with  the  wedding-ring 
and  will  in  future  always  deal  with  yonr  linn." 
from  an  MlatiabtiJ  jrirrller't  ciitalogu*. 


'The  flames  were  under  control  an  hoar 
after  the  call  to  the  brigade.  They  had  com- 
pleted their  conquest,  and  Oljrmpia  Jay  in 
ruins." — North  Mail. 

This   is   the   cheery  I'.niisli    spirit 

which     never    knows  when     it     is 
•eaten. 


428 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  11,  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

WITH  reference  to  the  flight  of  /..i 
1'atrie    a    lady    forwards    to    us    thu 
capital  suggestion  that,  with  a  view- 
to  preventing  airships  going   a: 
each  one  of  them   should    ha-. 
name  and  address  plainly  written  on 
its  envelope,  which  should  also  bear 
a  '2J J.  stamp. 

A  full  description  of  L<i  1'atrie 
was  published  by  most  of  our  morn- 
ing papers.  This  was,  of  course,  ab- 
solutely necessary  in  view  of  the 
crowd  of  airships  which  are  now 
about.  All  of  these  have  been  care- 
fully scrutinised  by  the  police. 

The  stute  of  affairs  in  Portugal,  it 
now  transpires,  has  been  absurdly 
exaggerated,  and  we  are  authorised 
to  deny  as  a  silly  canard  the  report 
that  KING  CARLOS  had  escaped  from 
his  country  last  week  disguised  as  a 
Living  Skeleton  belonging  to  a 

Circus  Troupe. 

*  * 

Mr.  HALDANE  was  interviewed  by 
a  number  of  Suffragettes  on  the 
occasion  of  his  speech  at  Manchester 
on  the  Territorial  Army,  and  this 
War  Minister  is  said  to  have  refused 
quite  snappishly  their  request  to  be 
allowed  to  form  a  regiment  and  to 

bear  arms. 

*  * 

What  the  wild  waves  said  when 
H.M.S.  Hero  was  bombarded  off  the 
Kentish  Knock: — "Knocked  her  in 

the  Old  Kent  Roads." 

*  * 

The  fact  that  many  of  the  City 
Companies  failed  to  contribute  to  the 
fund  for  the  preservation  of  Crosby 
Hall  is  being  adversely  commented 
on,  and  is  all  the  more  remarkable 
considering  that  the  building  had 
been  used  as  an  eating-house. 

V 

We  understand  that,  in  conse- 
quence of  the  disappearance  of  the 
portrait  of  our  greatest  sea  hero 
from  the  Guildhall,  the  Nelson 
Column  is  being  guarded  night  and 
day  by  detectives  in  order  to  pre- 
vent the  statue  on  its  pinnacle  being 
replaced  by  that  of  the  late  Lord 
Mayor. 

%* 

No  efforts  have  been  spared  to  im- 
press our  Swozi  visitors  with  the 
greatness  of  Great  Britain.  Lost 
week  the  chiefs  were  taken  to  see 
The  Christian  at  the  Lyceum 
Theatre. 

English  visitors  to  New  York  are 
cautioned  against  using  paper  money 
just  now.  A  countryman  of  ours, 


who  offered  an  iinportunat- 

:  'liar  note  the  other  day,   hopes 
out    of   hi'-pitul    by    thi-   end   of 
the   month. 


V 

More    smart    journalism'      On    the 
1st    inst.     an    Express    r-]..iter    re- 
i    a   nasty   cut    on    his   face   at    a 
ing    at    Hnx-kley.      On 
the    Urd    inst.    our   enterprising    little 
published   the   t'ust    in- 
stalment   of    a    serial    story    tntitled 
."  The   Man    with    the    Scar".': 

V 

Mr.  I-'KAXK  BlOHAKDBOH  is  said  to 
\treinely  astonished  that  lie 
World's  Greatest  Hair  Kxpert  las 
not  been  called  to  give  e\idei'.ee  in 
the  "  I  >ruce  case  "  in  regard  to  the 
beard  difficult  v. 

V 

\\asherwomen  in  every  quarter  of 
the  globe  are  highly  indignant  at   the 
hat  Count  ERASMUS  EKKACII,  a 
wealthy    German,    has    been    seized 
and    placed    in    an    asylum    by    his 
friends,    who   declare    that    his   con- 
duct in  marrying  a  washerwoman's 
'daughter    proves    him    insane;    and 
1  angry  cries  of  "  .-1  HcrUn!  "  arc  said 
1  to   have    been    raised    in    more    than 
1  one  laundry. 

V 

A  bargain-hunting  Company  Man- 
!  ager  is  said  to  have  v\  ritten  to  M 
| GAMAGE    to    enquire    whether    their 
Secretary,    who   was   slightly   singed 
in  the  recent  fire,  will  be  included  in 
their  Salvage  Sale. 

V 

Mr.  "MAX  DUFFKK,  we  are  informed 

by  our  Argus-eyed  Press,  has  walked 

on   his  hands  from  the  top   landing 

|  to    the    bottom    of    the    Washington 

monument  in  Washington.     There  is 

'much  to  be  said  in   favour  of  this 

_  new  method  of  locomotion ,   and  we 

should  not  be  surprised  if  it  spreads. 

How  convenient,   for  instance,  on  a 

muddy  day  to  be  able  to  arrive,  say, 

at  an  At  Home,  with  clean  boots. 

*  * 

It  is  officially  announced  that  the 
construction  of  the  new  naval  base 
at  Rosyth  is  to  begin  at  once,  and 
that   it    will    probably    bo   completed 
by  191").     We  presume  that  arrange- 
-  have  been  made  for  the  post- 
ponement of  the  war  of  1910. 
*  * 

Pressure,  wo  hear,  is  being  brought 
to  bear  on  the  Admiralty  to  induce 
them  to  purchase  the  I, .('.('.  steam- 
boats now  offered  for  sale,  with  a 
view  to  u--  for  the  prot 

of  >juch  outlying  possessions  ami  pro- 
tectorates as  Jamaica  and  Xan/ihar. 

V 

The  balloon  corps  officers  at  Alder- 


shot  have,  we  are  informed,  now 
selected  a  number  of  natural  shelters 
which  are  to  serve  as  harUnirs  for 
our  war  airships  in  every  part  of  the 
country.  There  can.  w--  suppose, 
be  little  doubt  that  we  have  row  the 
'  •  <|iiipped  aerial  organisation  in 
the  world.  Tho  only  thing  that  is 
lucking  is  the  airships. 

*  * 

W"  would  respectfully  draw  the 
attention  of  the  Censor  to  the  follow- 
in:;  !•  .  announcement  in  The 
l-'.si'rrs*.  After  referring  to  some 
plays  iicijuired  by  Mi.-..-.  \ .}  \  \  ASH- 
WKI.I,  in  America,  our  contemporary's 
( livi  n  K'x.tn  corrcs]M>ndent  s:. 

/"/If       U'lm- 

inij  of  /•><•  an  1  f'/"f /.•<•>•,  by   HMMI.II 
M  \XXKKS.      Tin-    11  i    t-'.rr    re- 

mains  a  possibility.  t>ut  '  ('lutli<-»  '  it-ill 
nut  nun-  :  '     The  final  italics 

are  ours.     Also  th  iama- 

tion. 

*  * 

Mr.    HI:ST,   of   Aliwal   North,   Cape 
Colony,    who  served   in   the   Ci 
the    Indian    Mutiny,    and    the 
War,    has,    a   newspaper   informs    us, 
just    been    presented,    by    his   second 
wife,   with   his   thirty-first    child.      So 
.    as    a    rule,    is    done    for    our 
veterans  that   we  are  |  to  hear 

this. 

*  * 

A   Boston   gentleman    has,    out    of 
sympathy,     married    a    woman     who 
w:is  Knocked  down  by  his  motor-car, 
and  hnd  a   leg  amputated.     \V 
lieve   that   if  this  kind   of  thing 
made   obligatory    by    law    we    should 
hear  of  fewer  people  being  run  over. 


WINSTON    DAY    BY    DAY. 

Dec.  1. — Mr.  WINSTON  Cut  m  -1111.1. 
receives  at  his  private  kraal  at  Jinja 
a  deputation  of  Ama/.ons,  who  are 
anxious  1'  :i  whether  he  is  in 

favour  of  Woman  Suffrage.  The 
Right  Hon.  gentleman  replies  that 
he  is  in  favour  of  it  in  the  abstract. 
but  that  he  does  not  consider  that 
the  time  is  yet  ripe  for  so  drastic  a 
concession. 

Dec.  2.  —  Mvsterioiis  disappear- 
ance of  Mr.  WINSTON-  CuriK  nn.i.. 
The  whole  length  and  breadth  of 
Jinja  is  carefully  searched,  but  all  in 
vain.  Consternation  is  caused  by 
the  statement  of  an  aged  headman 
that  he  has  seen  a  disreputable  and 
suspicious-looking  vulture  loafing 
about  the  place  lately.  Sudden  and 
fortunate  arrival  of  the  two  I)iamiK 
from  Somaliland.  disguised  in  com- 
plete male  attire  as  the'  two 
Ohadiahs,  who  from  their  know- 
ledge  not  only  of  Africa,  but  of  the 
itlirin  that  their  brawny  sisters, 


DECEMDKR  11,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    DESIGNS    FOR   WOODEN    TOYS   A    LA   CARAN    D'ACHE. 

No.  I.— THE  Foru-WiiEELEB. 


dissatisfied  with  Mr.  CHURCHILL'S 
ambiguous  answer,  have  carried  him 
off,  and  are  holding  him  to  ransom 
in  the  depth  of  the  local  Venusberg. 
Start  of  the  rescuing  party,  headed 
by  the  two  Dianas,  and  including 
the  Mayor,  Town  Clerk,  and  Chief 
Constable  of  Jinja,  two  mahallas  of 
Waggaras,  brought  up  in  the  rear  by 
a  pack  of  Blenheim  spaniels  and  the 
solicitous  vulture,  who  lias  com- 
pletely cleared  his  character. 

Dec.  8.— Arrival  of  the  rescuing 
party  at  the  court  of  MISSISPANCA, 
the  Queen  of  the  Amazons,  who  in- 
dignantly denies  that  there  is  such 
a  thing  as  an  Under-Secretary  for 
the  Colonies  about  the  place.  The 
Chief  Constable  of  Jinja,  producing 
a  search-warrant,  now  sets  to  work 
on  the  premises,  assisted  by  the  vul- 
ture and  the  Blenheim  spaniels. 
Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL  eventually 
discovered  bound  hand  and  foot  in 
a  disused  ballot-box,  awaiting  execu- 
tion. Summary  vengeance  inflicted 
on  the  Amazons  by  the  two  Dianas, 
assisted  by  the  Chief  Constable. 


MISSISPANCA  condemned  to  read  all 
Mr.  ASQUITH'S  speeches.  Defiant 
war  dance  by  the  younger  members 
of  the  Panca  tribe.  Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL  revived  by  artificial  in- 
halation of  oxygen  and  cambrygen, 
administered  through  MISSISPANCA '3 
bicycle-pump. 

Dec.  4. — The  rescue  party  sets 
out  on  return  journey  to  Jinja.  Two 
Dianas,  quarrelling  at  a  crossways, 
lose  the  track,  and  the  whole  party 
is  engulfed  in  the  depths  of  the 
Artiwhirni  forest,  in  the  mid-gloom 
of  which  they  find  Mr.  GUY  TIIOUNK 
reading  to  a  company  of  sleeping 
gorillas  from  a  Braille  edition  of 
When  It  u-as  Dark.  Alarm  of  Mr. 
Gux  THOKNE,  who  in  his  terror 
changes  to  a  Ranger  Gull,  is  imme- 
diately attacked  by  the  vulture  and 
Blenheim  spaniels,  and  takes  to  the 
trees. 

Dec.  5.  —  Groping  their  way 
through  the  impenetrable  gloom, 
each  Ted  by  a  Blenheim  spaniel,  the 
party  come  upon  the  suburbs  of  the 
chief  city  of  the  Little  Pigmies. 


Here  they  are  met  by  a  deputation, 
headed  by  the  local  Mr.  BALKOI  it, 
whose  metaphysics  are,  it  seems, 
uer<  mutable  for  the  blackness  of  the 
forest. 

Dec.  0.— Attack  on  the  Little 
Pigmies  by  the  neighbouring  tril>c, 
the  Whole  Hogmas,  undor  the 
leadership  of  the  local  Mr.  CMAH.IN. 

Dee.  7. — Terrific  battle  ensues  for 
t In-  body  of  the  local  Mr.  UALFOUH. 
during  which  Mr.  ('iirKciui.i.  i-snipe* 
to  Frietradia,  a  neighbouring  state. 
where  he  can  breathe  again,  and 
again  see  the  sun. 


"  As  a  sweet  poet  and  a  rery  nrinre  of  story- 
tellers I  never  found  the  slightest  difficulty 
with  Chaucer's  English." -f.  A'.  S.  in  "  The 
Sphere." 

One  wishes  that  Mr.  SHORTER  had 
shown  more  consideration  for  our 
difficulties  with  his  English.  Are 
we  to  understand  that  he  regards 
himself  as  "  a  sweet  poet  and  a  very 
prince  of  story-tellers"?  This  is 
very  unlike  his  notorious  reticence  as 
to  his  own  achievements. 


ISO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


11,  1007. 


GENTLEMEN    OF    FRANCE. 

the    day    wh.-n    Mr.    HAKKKK'S 
prohibited     piny,     }\'a*te.     was     p.  r- 
formed  1-y  the  Stne 
\otith    was    a  i     for. 

Chaperoned  l.y  Mr.  HKIIKOKH,  it  could 
spend  the  afternoon  with  Fii/n  at  The 
Playhouse;  the  evening  (just  tin 
a  glass  of  milk  in  between)  with  The 
Cuckoo  at  the  Vaudeville.  And  lu.th 
plays  adapted  from  the  IV.  nch. 

The  story  of  ll'dxfr  n  ,d  hy 

middl'          :  .,  the 

stories  of   Fi./o   and   The   Cuckoo     11 
now    invite     the  of    tin- 

youth  of  this  country.     FII/D  was  tin- 
nickname  of  James  Enttrhistlc.     To1 
the  flat  of  James,  his  wife  Alice,  and 

his  niece   Minnie  

came  James's  old 
s  c  h  o  o  I  f  e  How, 
Marshall  —  a 
1  o  ud  -  v  o  i  c  cd, 
smack  -  you  -  on- 
the-back,  hearty 
fellow.  He  tells 
stories  out  of 
school  about 
James's  boy- 
hood; disparages 
him,  grown  up, 
to  his  wife;  in- 
vites himself  as  a 
paying  guest  to 
the  flat;  and, 
once  there, 
makes  himself 
quite  at  home — 
to  the  extent 
even  of  sending 
James  out  on 
errands.  In  your 
haste  you  might 
think  of  calling 
Mamhall  an  im- 
possible bounder; 
that  shows  how 
you  misjudge 
him.  Wait ! 

It  appears  that  he  has  on  hand 
some  half-dozen  affairs  with  the 
tobacconist's  daughter,  the  girl  at  the 
confectioner's,  tne  doctor's  wifi — 
Heaven  knows  whom  else.  Now  he 
makes  love  to  Alice.  He  suggests 
that  they  should  leave  James,  and 
go  off  to  the  Continent  together.  He 
will  "  make  her  hap;  After  a 

tremendous  struggle  with  herself 
Alice  decides  to  sacrifice  all  for  him, 
whereupon  he  announces  that  he  has 
just  proposed  to  and  been  ace 
by  Minnie.  Ha! — an  English  gentle- 
man, after  all  ! 

The    Cuckoo    has    an    even 
wholesome  plot :  indeed  it  briiu 

•i  of  the  country  i 

footlights;  hut   then-  are   faults  in  it, 
as  I  shall  show.     Thomas  I'cnfnlil  is 


mnrri-  Mwra.     Ilmjli  Fur  rant 

is  ill   lo\e  \\itli  .    1   add 

that    he    is    also    a    trusted    friend    of 
I'homas    has    just     l»-- 
ill    I   say   "  interested    in 
l.iiily  Alexandra  /''ir/.v,   H  woman  of 
no     reputation.        !!••     u-i\is     I 
clu-(|iie     for    JL"JiK),     and     arran: 

lu-r   at    King's    Cross    for    the 
•even-something  train.     In  order  to 

e.'t      Ills     \\  .      Ill-     M    lllls 

•f  from   1'addiiigton  t,.  May  with 
an  aunt.      Farrant  ir:i\i-l 

d'.wn     with    hi-r;     they    get    o 
Muidenshournc,    and    proceed    to    an 
inn,  "  The  l-'lower  Pot,"  wln-iv  they 

suddenly  realises  what   she  has  done. 
She    insists    on    going    back    to    her 


|ietitioii;      the      sympathies      of      the 

audience    are    with    them     from     the 

The    many    young    girls    who 

'.ere, 

To  take  the  .s]y  for  a 

moment.  The  ignorance  of  the 
average  girl  ahout  th,-  average  man 
is  imm,  use  ;  nee.».-irily  so.  She 
I  him  at  a  dinner,  lit  a  dune.-  . 
hut  of  his  private  life,  of  his  code 

of      morals,      his      ideals,      she      know:- 

nothing.      When-    is    she    to   g.-t    that 

knowledge'.'       Ohviiitisly    from    books 

and    from    the    st:. 

that   such   a  girl,   wishing   maturalh 

enough)  to  Me  her  favour, 

M  M  I'K  and  CIHKI.I.,   II  \\VIUI.Y,   WIT, 

to   spend    a   Tuesday    afternoon    and 

evening    at     th.-.-     \\\,<    plays,     what 

would  her  i  ; 

the   average   man 

'    ' 
it  nil? 

I   think    I 

that    -I 

lion  to   Mr.    HBO 
f-oiin    to    answer. 
\nd,      when      he 
has    atiswered,     I 
will      add      that, 
though    it    S' 
so,    it    is    not    so 
really.      Men   are 
all    hounder- 
and    Uackgilanl 

It     is    not    < 

—  what     are     tin 
.'.iful    \\ords? 
o      ha 

' '  knocked    about 
a      hit"      and 
"seen     life.' 
l;    illv  it  is  not. 
M. 


REVENGE!    OR,    THE    CAST    SHOE. 


husband;  luckily  they  can  just  catch 
tin-  last  train  hark.  Meanwhile 
Thomas  has  missed  his  lady,  and  has 
spent  the  night  in  the  police-station 
by  mistake.  There  is  just  one  point 
more  I  should  mention.  (7 I/I'M. •>•,  re. 
guessing  something  of  the  truth  of 
Thomas's  escapade,  hints  that  she 
will  divorce  him  and  "  marry  tin- 
man she  I"1.  Whereupon  Fiir- 
rant,  looking  extremely  uncomfort- 
able, hopes  she  will  do  nothing  of  tin- 
sort. 

The  mistake  of  the  author  lies  in 
making  Hugh  and  Thomas  too  perfect 
— too  much   the   Adminl.le  Cri. 
That    they   are   fine   manly    fellows   is 
snnely  oh\ious  fr..m  wh.it   I  hav. 
It  is  (]uite   in  •  .    for   /fii;//i    to 

a     drowning    man's     life,     and 
Tlmmas   to    win     n     Limerick 


This   from   Thr 
Heiijunl    l-'.rening 

us  an 


idea  of  the  "committee  of 
dent  experts  "  at  work:  — 
"  One  very  good  punning  line  was:  — 

•He  "Uenrd  "  "  \V:,nl  '  "  Wood  "  gpt  \>\» 
op  'all  rifilil,'  " 

but  nufTK-ii-nt  ran1  hail  not  Wii  tnl»-n  : 
i  in,  ami    the    lini-    n-aila   luilly,    ! 

I  rillK'   out  of  IlirtiT,  Vllirll.  1:  ill!    net 

have  DiaUensl  if  it  had  read  smootlilr." 


"  Mr.  K.  I^vrrton  ITarris  is  a  decrrndnnt  of 

Mi.iun  ]|;nii]i>.|iiri-  family,  and  i* 

•Id   of    his    forty  third     hirUiday.       II.  « 

s.  !iohiHtir  career  won  eminently  > 

Wini-licslcr    and     ilniiulh'    i-duoalion     ln-in^; 

;  ^,t  C.iin-  •  :nl.riilKO      At  the 

I  '.'  IIP  took  hii  degree,  with  honours,  in 

i1.  nml  four  years  later  his  Alma 

Mater."     l-:-n<t  K» 


Nothing,    we    note,    is   said    as    to 
•ook  this  lady  to. 


DECEMBER  11,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


431 


.  "AND  WHAT  DIU  TIIE  Doc-roil  BAT?" 
Old  Man.  '"E  SAID  NO  MORE  MEDICINE,  HOT  IF  IE  TA«  A  LITTLE  WALK  or  A  IIARNIN'  on  TUB  COMMOM  AMD  on  THE  AIE.  HEB 

LIVE  TO   BE  A   OXTOENARIAN." 


IN    PRAISE    OF   FOG. 

[Mr.  Punch,  in  his  "Charivaria"  of  last 
neck,  drew  attention  to  a  correspondent,  call- 
ing himself  "Fog  Lover,"  who  wrote  to  The 
Daily  Mail,  saying:  — 

"  Whenever  a  fog  is  present  my  spirits  rise, 
my  appetite  improves,  and  I  feel  altogether  in 
be'tter  health  than  in  any  other  weather."] 

THERE  arc  who  praise  a  sunny  sky, 
There  are  who  love  the  shore 
Where  one  may  lie 
With  half-closed  eye 
And  watch  the  sea-gulls  sailing  by 
What  time  the  salt  ozone 

Is  blown 

About  one  evermore. 
There  are  whose  hearts  with  gladness 

leap 

To  climb  the  Alpine  scaur ; 
There  are  who  joy  in  drinking  deep 
The  fragrance  of  the  pine-clad  steep ; 
There  are   who  yearn 

For  loch  and  glen 
And  tumbling  burn 

And  breezy  ben, 
Where  far  beyond  the  ken 

Of  men 
The  Highland  eagles  soar. 


There  is  who  loves  to  watch  the  blue 
Turn  faint  and  fade  to  grey, 
Who  smiles  to  view 
Each  smoking  flue 
Make  deep  and  deeper  still  the  hue, 
Until  the  sullen  sun 

Grows  dun 

And  hides  his  face  away. 
He  laughs  to  see  the  mists  descend 

And  round  the  city  play, 
To  watch  the  browny-yellow  blend 
Enshroud  the  town  from  end  to  end; 
His  soul  is  thrilled 
At  such  a  sight, 
His  bosom  filled 

With  wild  delight 
To  see  the  gloomy  blight 

Of   night 

Enshroud  the  garish  day. 
There  is  who  revels  when  the  air 
Is  thick  as  AthoM  brose ; 
Then  forth  he  '11  fare 
Through  street  and  square 
To  quaff  a  draught  so  rich  and  rare, 
More  sweet  to  him,  more  rife 

With  life 

Than  any  breeze  that  blows. 
There  is  who  flings  his  windows  wide 
(Which  careful  housewives  close) 


To  catch  the  odours  that  deride 
The  breath  of  rose  or  pheasant-eyed. 
Not  all  the  spice 

Of  Araby 
Is  half  so  nice! 

And  oh!  his  glee 
When  in  the  mirror  he 

Can  see 
The  smuts  upon  his  nose. 

Fen  Portraits. 
THE  LOUD  CIUM  KI.LOI. 
"  As  he  sits  on  the  Woolsack  he  may  be  sera 
r'.ntimially   shifting  ito  position,  at  one  tune 
pulling  it  low  over  liis   forehead,  ot   ;r 
I  ushing  it  back  as  if  to  relievo   its  c>|>|  '• 
ness.     The  noble  and  learned  lord  H  plainly 
indifferent  to  ceremony  and  osUmUt  ""." 

Daily  tlatl. 

"We  are  most  grateful  to  the  ladies  who 
spared  no  pains  in  beautifying  the  Church,  the 
choir,  organist,  and  ringers." 

Torrinytun  Deanery  Va-jastnt. 

We  cannot  help  thinking  that  the 
ringers  might  have  been  left  as  they 
were.  Up  in  the  belfry  nobody 
them.  Besides  this  would  have 
allowed  extra  time  to  have  been 
devoted  to  some  of  the  more  stub- 
born cases  in  the  choir. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


*  11,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(liy  Mr.  I'unch't  Stuff  c/  7.«uii,  d  Cl,rk».) 

1    RKM>   the   other   iluy    i"   ii   morning   paper   of    high 
n    u    review    of    Mr.    WALTER   JERROI.I.'S    Tln»n>i* 

.     ill     which     tilt'     subject     I'f     till' 

r  was  hilariously  liuili  M  "   Il'><'i>,  shipped 

t.n   the   hack   in   friendly   appreciation  of   his   work,   and 

i  that  tlii-  world  would  not   soon  forget   hit- 

•  the  ill-re<]uitcd  vempMr       .      \:i,l  u.de.  d  the  fame 

"f  "  The  Song  of  the  Shirt,"  which  lirM  s.i\\  light  in  the 

sympathetic   pages   of   Mr.    1'itnch,    is   not    wholly    hid. 

;rse  "The  Bridge  of  Sighs"   and   "The    I 

\r:im,"  which  some  of  us  has  Ib.sio 

f  themselves  sufficient   to  establish 

for  their  author  a  high  place  in  literature.     Throughout 

•rt    life— he   died    in    his   forU  -sixth    year     Hooc 

uulic«p|)e<l    by   two    ;:  He    was 

.r,    and    was   nearly    always    ill.     He    fought 

both    giants,    sickness    and    poverty,    with    indomitable 

courage  and  unflagging  good  humour.    Hi'  turned  • 

use  amount  of   work,    which   should    have    meant 

int;   more   than    men1   competency.      Hut    he    fell 

into  evil   hands,   and   twice   was  robbed   by    BARABDAS, 

who  sixty   years   ago   was   a   publisher.     Being    unable 

i.i   meet    his   liabilities,   and  declining  to  avail   himself 

..f  the  swinge  provided  by  the  Bankruptcy  Court,   he, 

emulous  of  WALTER  SCOTT'S  example  in  similar  circum- 

s  settled  down  in  Coblenz,   and,  sick  at  heart, 

worn  out  in  body,  made  jokes  at  a  pace  that  promised 

to  elear  his  slate. 

He  was  at  his  best  with  children,  being  in  truth  to 
1  himself  a  lovable  child.  Nothing  in  his  printed 
works  is  more  delightful  than  the  four  letters,  written 
less  than  a  year  before  his  death,  to  the  children  of 
a  friend  spending  a  summer  holiday  at  Sandgate. 
"Childhood,"  he  wrote  to  one,  "is  such  a  joyous, 
merry  time  I  often  wish  I  was  two  or  three  children; 
and  wouldn't  I  pull  off  my  three  pairs  of  shoes  and  socks 
and  go  paddling  in  the  sea  up  to  my  six  knees?  " 
WALTER  SAVAGE  LANDOR,  not  given  to  saying  smooth 
things,  summed  up  his  character  in  a  line :  "  The  witty 
and  the  tender  HOOD."  Mr.  JERROLD  is  to  be  thanked 
for  reviving  old  memories  and  adding  something  fresh. 

The  bringing  of  pictures  to  life  is  not,  of  course,  a 
very  new  idea.  There  was  Kuddigore,  and  there  was  a 
famous  poster  of  a  certain  whiskey  brand.  But  PAMELA 
TKXXAXT  has  the  good  fortune  to  live  with  a  wonderful 
family  of  great  masters — REYNOLDS  and  RAEBURN, 
1 1<. i.  \RTII  and  HOPPNER,  ROMXEY  and  GAINSBOROUGH — 
and  she  has  come  to  know  her  gallery  of  portraits 
with  a  very  personal  intimacy.  In  The  Children  and 
tin-  I'ictures  (HEINEMANN)  she  makes  them  step  out  of 
their  frames  o'  nights,  and  mix  with  the  little  people  of 
the  house  in  dreamland,  and  tell  them  tales  whose 
•  are  laid  in  the  neighbouring  landscapes  of  MM: 
I.AXD  and  NASMYTH.  The  book  is  full  of  the  charming 
fancies  of  o  pretty  mind,  and  the  only  faults  I  1 
find  with  it  are  that  some  of  the  tales,  such  ns  that  of 
"  The  House  of  Dalliance,"  are  n  little  too  difficult,  and, 
that  the  simplicity  of  its  general  tone  is  spoilt  here  and 

.    or  phrases  well  outside  a  cliild's  v> 
lary.       Here,  for  instance,  is  a  passage  that  illustrates  the 
curious  mixture  of  styles:    "  When  Dr.  JOHNSON  spoke, 
you   wondered   if  there  could   be  anything  more   to   be 

M  that  subject,  e\,r  H-.IIII,  by  anybody.      [.- 
good;  and  then  this  paralysing  sentence — ]    "There  dwelt 
the  apotheosis  of  the  punht  finale  in  his  speech."     I 


hope  l.ady  TEXNAST  may  be  forgiven  for  this  by  her  own 
and  her  friends'  children,  for  whom  her  lx>ok  must  have 
been  originally  designed  as  a  labour  of  love.  Other 
people's  children  will  bless  her  not  only  for  her  delight- 
ful stories,  but  for  the  one-and-twctity  coloured  repro- 
ductions- and  more  beautiful  work,  in  its  kind,  I  have 
never  seen  of  the  very  pictures,  else  unknown  to  them, 
round  which  her  I  "-ok  is  written. 


The  Fvrnur,-,   Miss  MM  \ri.u  's  second 
(If  I  'in  not    mistaken)  |..H>k, 
.ils  that  glow  which  can't  be  I 

lured  by  hook  or  en  ok  ; 
Such  a  tlame  thi  :  king 

Into  life  with  clumsy  poking 
Nothing  sh'Mt   "f  expert   sto', 

lirings  its  warm  reposeful  look. 

The  story  gives  a  demonstration, 

Psychologically  true, 
Of  how   all   old-born   inclination 

Mom  trucklt  -  'A  ; 

Some  external  joy  or  worry 
Mi;,    create   a   nine-clays'   (lurry, 
But    revulsion  's    certain.      MTKIHV 

1'.  rings  it  out.     It  ought  to  <•. 

When  two  men  collaborate  to  write  a  novel,  one  of 
them,   said    Si,  to   be   the   boss.      When    an 

author  and  an  artist  combii  iuce  a  tra\el 

I  suppose  in  m  out  of  ten  the  author 

it  to  he  entirely  /n'.<  work.     "  Look  h< 

"  I  want  to  describe  a  motor  tour  in  Spain.  Just 
come  with  me  and  draw  sonic  pictures  for  it."  Now 
and  then,  perhaps,  the  artist  is  s<>  extremely  important 
that  he  can  say  to  the  author:  "  Oh,  by  tlii-  way,  I  am 
making  some  sketches  of  Spanish  life.  1  thought,  if 
you  didn't  mind,  I  'd  just  take  you  with  me  to  do  some 
words."  But  in  the  case  of  Mr.  ()wi:x  LI.EWKI.HX  and 
Mr.  RAVEN  Hn.i,,  they  must  suddenly  have  rushed  into 
each  other's  arms  with  the  cry,  "  Let  's  do  a  book."  The 
South  Bound  Car  iMirniCKN),  a  delightful  record  of  a 
delightful  tour,  is  the  result.  I  would  call  the  illustra- 
tions inimitable,  had  not  the  word  by  frequent  use 
become  meaningless.  But  it  is  a  fact  that  tl 
nobody  living  who  can  touch  Mr.  RAVEX  HILL  in  his  own 
line.  Mr.  LLEWELLYN  is  very  amusing,  but  he  is  in- 
clined to  be  too  funny.  After  a  while  it  is  ditlieult  for 
him  to  say  anything  straightforwardly.  But  he  has 
great  moments,  and  there  is  always  Mr.  RAVEX  Hn.i,  at 
his  side  to  keep  him  up  to  the  mark. 

With  what  particular  club   Mr.   HORACE   Hrr<  mxsox 
wrote    his    latest    book,    Naturt  .  •    nn/i 

(SMITH,  ELDER),  he  does  not  say;  but   it  was  a   pr,tt\ 
hefty  one.     The  only  thing  we  can  say  about  th 
is  that  it  almost  lie.  ds  a  caddie  to  carry  it;  but  that  is 
fashionable  now,  in  spite  of  the  excellent   li^'ht   paper  on 
which   books  can   be   printed   and   are   printed   by   some 
publishers.     If    anyone    thinks    from    the    foi 
marks  that  \<ilurt'      ''  .;>nl  Tin-  -.lling  book 

he  will  be  wrong.      It   is  a  collection  of  .  open- 

air  subjects,  genial   and   informing,    and   country-gentle- 
manly in  the  highest  d.  :  •  I         :  given  too, 

and  indeed  tin-  r  of  the  ph-  n.>nieiia  of  the   fields 

and  woods  could  not   have  a  m<  liile  guide  than 

the  golfing  sage  of  Ashdow  : 


LITERARY  N"i  r       A   1'p  i..-h  e.litioii  of  I'ntln  r  and 
is  in  preparation  (o  be  entitled  /'•'•  sf. 


DECEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIUVAKI. 


433 


FORTHCOMING   PANTOMIMES. 

[From  <iHt/  local  7'npcr.] 

THKATRE  ROYAL.  —  This  year's 
pantomime  \\ill  be  Cinderella,  and 
will  bo  the  most  elaborate  produc- 
tion as  yet  attempted  at  this 
theatre.  The  management,  regard- 
less of  expense,  has  secured  a  re- 
markable array  of  performers.  The 
most  popular  songs  of  the  panto- 
mime, will  undoubtedly  be  "  On  the 
Banks  of  the  River  Spree,"  a  ditty 
which  recalls  the 
tuneful  Bong 

By  the  Side 
of  the  Zuyder 
Zee;  "  and  "  My 
Basutolaud 
Prince  ss,"  a 
charming  love- 
song.  The  comic 
air-ship  interlude 
may  confidently 
be  reckoned  on 
to  create  roars  of 
laughter;  while 
the  Pageant 
Ballet  (dressed 
in  the  actual  cos- 
tumes of  the 
M  u  d  d  1  e  t  o  n 
Pageant)  will 
undoubte  dly 
prove  popular. 
Mr.  BIIODGRIN, 
the  p  r  i  n  cipal 
comedian,  is  in- 
troducing a 
funny  "  diabolo  " 
scene;  and  other 
novelties  will  in- 
clude a  burlesque 
of  the  Druce 
Case,  and  a 
comic  scena  en- 
titled, "  Votes 
for  Women." 


worn  in  the  Puddleton  Pageant.    The    //mid    will    I":    tin-    in- 
management  at  an  enormous  nutl«y   pantomime    tlm   (lairty  has 

has    secured    a    formidable    list    of  over   staged.     The    eh,,  f    fun-m  i 
artistes,  and  the  pantomime  will  un- 
doubtedly be  the  most  elaborate  over 


staged  at  the  Grand. 

THE  KING'S  THEATRE.— The  man- 
agement has  purchased  the  whole  of 
the  wardrobe  of  the  Fuddlcton  Page- 
ant, and  the  costumes  will  be  worn 
in  a  grand  "  Historical  Ballet  " — a 
striking  novelty.  Other  novelties  in- 


GRAND  THEATRE. 
— Plenty    of    fun 
is   the   motto   of 
the         Grand 
Theatre  with  re- 
gard to  its  forth- 
coming pantomime  of  Aladdin. 
are    promised    a    burlesque    of 
Druca     Case, 
lude     called 


Mr.  \VKI./,I.S.  is  introducing 
of  "  diabolo."    An  nir-shij>  iulerhnle 
promises   to  be   funny,    as   dm  s   the 
skit  on  Woman 'a  Suffrage,  while  tin- 
topical  burlesque  on  the  Druco  Triul 
should    cause    much    mirth.        The 
tuneful  songs  include  "  On  the  Banks 
of     the     River     Spree,"     nnd     "  My 
Basutoland    Princess."     The 
prising    manager    has    secured     th.< 
whole      of      the 
dresses    us 
the     Cuddleton 
Pageant,    an.) 
these  will  appear 
in      the      enuul 
"  England's  His 
tory  "  ballet. 


GOLF,  LIKE  BILLIARDS,  HAS  BECOME  TOO  EAST;  AND,  FOLLOWING  THK  WVEHTIOM  o»  i»  OVAL 

TABLE,  THE  ABOVE  SCHEME  HAS   BEEN   DESIGNED   FOB  THE   USE  Ot  ADVASC1  «S. 


"One  man  would 
apply  hia  nenly  in- 
quired wealth  iu  oue 
way,  another  would 
have  other  uses  lor 
it." — Daily  Etpreu. 

There  was  a 
time  when  The 
Express  usc-d 
simply  to  state 
homely  and  ob- 
vious truths 
that  Tariff 
form  meant 
Income-Tax, 
Age  Pensions, 
and  Work  for 
All ;  but  now  the 
leader  writer  has 
become  reckless, 
and  he  says  ab- 
solutely anything 
that  comes  into 
his  head. 


,  as 
Re- 
No 
Old 


We 

the 

a     humorous     inter- 
The     Suffragettes," 


and  a  "diabolo"  scene,  introduced 
by  Mr.  HOUSCOLAR,  the  principal 
comedian.  "  My  Basutoland  Prin- 
cess "  may  confidently  be  ex- 
pected to  be  one  of  the  most  popu- 
lar songs  of  the  performance,  though 
it  will  be  run  closely  by  "On  the 
Banks  of  the  River  Spree."  .  A 
novelty  is  forthcoming  in  the  "  Grand 
Historical  Ballet,"  all  the  dancers 
being  attired  in  the  costumes  actually 


elude  a  skit  on  "  diabolo,"  introduced 
by  Mr.  GAGGS,  the  leading  comedian; 
a  humorous  air-ship  interlude,  and  a 
scena  "  Voters  for  Women!  '  <(The 
favourite  songs  will  probably  be  "On 
the  Banks  of  the  River  Spree,"  and 
"  My  Basutoland  Princess."  The 
genial  manager  has,  without  consi- 
dering expense,  secured  a  notable 
array  of  performers,  and  the  panto- 
mime of  Crusoe  will  undoubtedly  be 
the  most  gorgeous  ever  seen  at  the 
King's  Theatre. 

GAIETY    THEATRE.  —  Red    Riding- 
o  a 


"  Hackenschmidt  haa 
had  many  challengers, 
and  among  them  the 
two  famous  wrestlers, 
Zbysco  and  Padou- 
hury.  Zybaco  and 
Padoubny  arranged  to 
meet  in  order  that  the 
question  of  superi- 
ority should  be  settled 

first  .  .  .  The  CJalirian,  weighing  ISM.  -lb.,am] 

Pudonby,  just  a  stone  more,  took  the  mat  amidat 

cheering. 

"  .  .  .  Zbysco  beat  Padouby."— Liwrpool  Echo. 

We  like  the  way  in  which  Zbysco 
(or  Zybsco)  gradually   wore  his  op 
ponent  down.    If  he  had  only  gone 
on  a  few  lines  longer  he  might  have 
got  him  down  to  Padoby. 

The  Barbarity  of  Games. 

We  respectfully  call  the  attention 

of  The  Daily  Newt  Boxing  Export  to 

the  following  from  the  index  of  The 

Hastings  Observer :  — 

"  PiOR  3.—  Battle  News-  Chess." 


434 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DEC-EMM*  18,  1907. 


THE    RETORT    CONTUMELIOUS. 

[An  entire  column  of  The  Daily  (Tmnitfo  of  December  12  was 
devoted  to  an  attack  by  Mr.  HIM  CAISE  on  Mr.  llisuu>  DSOBIE  in 
answer  to  aspersions  ca«t  by  the  latter  on  the  chancier  of  the  heroine 
of  7/ui  (  /iri«iun.  The  finale  runs  a*  follows :  — 

"  It  is  like  madness.  Kx.  rj-t  in  the  world  of  the  little  critic*,  of  the 
Uittr:  Jtherskiie*,  of  the  mean-soulel  n:ncotnpoope,  who  sic 

alwat*  struggling  to  eatabliah  their  own  superiority  by  belittlii  . 
intelligence  of  the  public,  yon  can  fii  d  nothing  like  it  on  earth  outside 
the  p  ecincts  of  Colney  Ilatch."] 
HALL,  when  1  viewed  your  bellicose  Philippic 

It  was  another  dear  illusion  cracked 
To  find  that  one  I  took  to  be  a  typic 

Model  of  what  is  meant  by  Christian  tact 
Should,  like  a  heathen  hooligan,  apparelled 

In  flashy  fustian,  hobnailed  toe  and  heel, 
Rudely  impinge  upon  the  harmless  HAROLD 

With  such  un-Cnristian  zeal. 

What  had  he  done?    Oh,  just  the  old,  old  story 

Of  "  none  so  blind  as  those  who  will  not  see." 
He  had  the  hardihood  to  say  jour  Glory 

Was  not  exactly  all  that  she  should  be. 
Packed  houses  nightly  gave  the  girl  unstinting 

Certificates  of  virtue  past  all  price ; 
But  HAROLD  took  the  lonely  line  of  hinting 

That  she  was  not  quite  nice. 

So,  lest  her  fame  should  wither  undefended 

With  none  to  tell  the  caitiff  that  he  lied, 
You  shouted  "  HALL  for  Glory  1  "  and  descended 

Flamboyantly  on  HAROLD'S  wretched  hide. 
And,  having  spoilt  his  face  and  kicked  and  mauled  him 

Out  of  all  knowledge,  with  a  fiendish  whoop 
You  pranced  upon  his  lifeless  pulp,  and  called  him 

A  mean-souled  nincompoop. 

Not  for  your  own  sake — how  could  HAROLD  hurt  you  ? — 

A  nobler  vengeance  armed  your  manly  breast ; 
It  was  because  he  vilely  sniffed  at  virtue 

When  it  had  passed  the  public's  final  test. 
There  lay  his  fault :  he  wanted,  like  the  Hittitcs 

(His  grosser  vision  taking  white  for  black) 
To  check  the  Chosen  People  (that 's  the  Pitites) 

And  put  'em  off  the  track. 

And  yet — I  don't  imply  the  least  collusion — 

We  know  that  HAROLD  well  deserves  to  win 
Your  thanks,  in  lieu  of  thumps,  for  this  intrusion 

By  which  you  're  safe  to  haul  the  shekels  in ; 
Has  he  not  been  for  you  a  man  and  brother, 

Adding  to  Glory' t  cheek  a  spicier  bloom, 
Giving  you — quick  to  seize  it — yet  another 

Chance  for  a  monster  boom.  O.  8. 

Glimpse*  of  Great  Live*. 

"Tuom*  BEKET." 

From  a  schoolboy's  examination  paper:  — 
"Thomas  Beket  used  to  invite  poor  monks  and   priests  to  dinner 
and,  while  they  were  eating,  would  read  dry  books  to  them.    Thomas 
Beket  and  VYosley  were  great  friends.    Indeed,  yon  scarcely  ever  saw 
one  without  the  other." 

To  refer  again  to  the  Druce  case  for  a  moment  (we 
are  touching  wood  as  we  write,  in  case  it  is  still  sub 
judice),  it  is  alleged  that  the  alleged  Duke  did  not  con- 
fine his  alleged  disguises  to  spare  pairs  of  alleged 
whiskers.  According  to  the  Time*  report  of  one  wit- 
ness, "  he  had  a  spare  face.'.'  The  witness  went  on  to 
say  that  "  his  face  was  very  pale  .  '.  .  Sometimes  he 
had  a  red  face;"  all  of  which  must  have  been  very 
confusing. 


SIBYLLINE    SQUIRRELS. 

Mr.  Punch  is  glad  to  see  that  the  letter  to  the  Kditor 
of  The  Daily  Mud  from  a  Todies  correspondent,  which 

appear- 1    c.n     '!'.:•  ~.l:iv     the     Kith,     tinder    tli<>     significant 

bostdiagof  "Bquun  .ai.li-  Warm:  .          •    -.-iving 

the  attention  that  the  serious  nature,  of  its  intelligence 
undoubtedly  demands  from   the   1'uhlic. 

That  letter,  it  will  ho  remembered,  was  as  follows:  — 
Sin,      In  this  part  of  Devonshire  squirrels  have  l»-.-n 
laving  up  no  nuts  or  acorns.     Last  autumn  tl 
abundance  of  nuts  and  sweet  chestnuts  in   the   wood; 
this  year  I  have  noticed  and  beard  tell  of  neitli. 

Obviously  squirrels  would  not  act  in  this  improvident 
manner  without  some  good  reason.  They  must,  as  tl:.- 
heading  suggests,  be  trying  to  warn  us  of  imp.  i:dm:- 
evil.  And  we  shall  be  wise  if  we  act  upon  that  warning 
— as  soon  as  we  understand  quite  clearly  what  it  is.  The 
worst  of  it  is  that  opinions  seem  to  differ  so  widely  as  to 
tha  precise  meaning  of  the  portent.  Here  are  only  a 
few  of  the  bttsVpntaikMU  that  were  unfortunately 
crowded  out  of  some  of  our  leading  papers:  — 

(1)  Note  of  the  Day,  "  The  Westminster  Ga:elte." 

"  \Ve  observe  from  a  letter  published  b  day's 

Daily  Mail  that  the  squirrels  in  the  vicinity  of  Tot: 
not  making  their  customary  provision  for  the  coming 
winter  this  autumn.     This  scarcely  looks  as  if  tli- 
times  so  confidently  looked  forward  to  by  Mr.    i 
LAW  and  Fiscal  Reformers  in  general  were  giving  any 
sign  of  approaching  at  present.     It  is  a  little  unfortu- 
nate for  the  Protectionists  that  the  autumn  of  1906 — the 
year  when  the  nation  declared  itself  so  strongly  for  Free 
Trade— should  have  been  attended   by  an  exceptional 
abundance    of    sweet    chestnuts.      For    ourselves    we 
attach    no   groat   importance    to   such    indications,    but 
when  our  opponents  take  to  prophesying,  it  is  just  as 
well  to  confront  them  with  plain  facts." 

(2)  Occasional  Note,  '.'The  Pall  Mall  Gazette." 

"  We  wonder  what  our  hidebound  Cobdenists  think  of 
the  striking  letter  in  The  Daily  Mail  of  yesterday.  It 
seems  that  our  home-grown  British  oaks  and  chestnuts 
— not  only  in  Devonshire,  but,  as  wo  have  only  too  good 
reasons  for  believing,  in  many  other  counties — have  been 
compelled  to  suspend  production  this  autumn.  This 
was  only  to  be  expected  after  the  crushing  competition 
they  have  been  subjected  to  for  years  by  free  imports  of 
nuts  from  Barcelona  and  Brazil,  not  to  mention  their 
rivals  from  Turkey,  Spain,  and  America,  who  have  been 
permitted  to  settle  on  our  soil.  And  now  it  seems  we 
must  resign  ourselves  to  the  decay  of  one  more  national 
industry.  However,  we  are  not  so  sanguine  as  to  sup- 
pose for  a  moment  that  such  a  warning  will  have  any 
permanent  effect  on  the  pig-hi-aded  fanatics  who  still 
cling  to  the  fetish  of  Free  Trade.  We  know  them  t<«> 
well  for  that  1  " 

(3)  Letter  to  the  Editor  of  "  The  Spectator.", 

"  Sir, — The  true  significance  of  the  fact  that  squirn -Is 
in  Devonshire  and  elsewhere  have  given  up  laying  in 
stores  of  either  nuts  or  acorns  seems  to  have  been  gene- 
rally overlooked.  I  regard  it  myself  as  exti 
serious.  The  squirrel,  as  I  can  testify  from  my  own 
observation,  has  long  been  carnivorous  to  some  > 
Ho  seems  now  to  have  abandoned  vegetarianism  alto- 
gether, and  I  fear  we  may  look  for  depredations  shortly 
among  our  cattle,  such  as  were  committed  by  the  NY\v 
Zealand  parrot,  or  kca,  when  it  first  acquired  a  taste  f..r 
sheep's  kidneys.  I  should  advise  large  graziers  to  tako 
precautions,  as  even  a  single  squirrel  might  work  incal- 


JPUNCH.  QR  THE  LOSDOy 


is,  1907. 


'A    VERRAY   PARFIT    NOBEL    KNIGHT." 

[The  Swedish  trustees  of  the  NOBEL  bequest  hare  this  year  awarded  die  International  prize  for  Literature  to  Mr.  RCDTABB  KIPLIIO.] 


DECEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


437 


Excited  Porter.  "  Hi !    STOP  THAT  DOO  !    IT  's  A  PARCEL.  ! ! " 


culable  havoc  in  a  solitary  night  among  a  herd  of  valu- 
able  cattle.     I   have  myself   seen  one   devour   a  half- 
fledged  thrush  and  several  eggs  with  evident  enjoyment. 
I  am,  Sir,  your  obedient  Servant, 

A  LOVER  OF  NATURE. 

(4)  Article  by  Mr.  EUSTACE  MILES  for  "_  The  Daily 

Chronicle. " 

"  It  seems  singular  that  squirrels  should  be  abandon- 
ing the  simple  life  just  at  the  moment  when  mankind 
has  begun  to  adopt  it.  Possibly,  in  course  of  time  their 
digestive  apparatus  has  become  so  modified  as  to  be  no 
longer  capable  of  assimilating  nuts  in  an  uncooked  form 
without  discomfort.  I  have  met  many  vegetarians  who 
complain  that,  after  consuming  a  pound  of  raw  Brazil 
nuts,  they  have  felt  all  the  symptoms  of  severe  dys- 
pepsia. In  such  cases  I  always  recommend  that  the 
nuts  should  be  ground  and  served  up  in  the  form  of 
cutlets  or  rissoles,  with  some  appetising  sauce.  Pre- 
pared in  this  manner,  the  most  fastidious  will  find  them 
palatable,  apart  from  their  value  as  a  brain  and  nerve 
food." 

(5)  Interview  with  Father  BERNARD  VAUGHAN  for 

"  The  Sunday  Times.". 

'Yes,"  said  Father  VAUGHAN  sadly,  "to  me  it  is 
only  one  more  instance  of  the  insidious  effect  produced 


by  members  of  the  Smart  Set  upon  all  with  whom  they 
come  in  contact.  Even  our  little  brothers  of  the  bright 
eyes  and  bushy  tail  have  not  escaped  the  corrupting  in- 
fluence !  They  no  longer  delight  in  the  simple  food  which 
once  contented  them !  I  have  only  too  good  reason  for 
believing  that  it  is  a  common  practice  among  fashion- 
able women,  when  in  the  country  on  those  pernicious 
week-end  visits,  which  cannot  be  too  severely  reprobated 
— I  say,  it  is  a  common  practice  with  them  to  take  n 
Sunday  afternoon  walk  in  the  woods  between  their 
'  Bridge  '  rubbers,  for  the  purpose  of  feeding  the 
squirrels  with  marrons  glace  s !  1  intend  to  preach  on 
this  subject  on  an  early  occasion,  BO  you  will  excuse  me 
if  I  say  no  more  at  present." 

Well,  it  is  all  very  puzzling,  and  even  now  Mr.  Punch 
cannot  make  up  his  mind  about  it.  It  was  thoughtful 
of  the  squirrels  to  give  us  this  "  seasonable  warning." 
But  they  might  have  made  it  a  little  clearer  whilo 
they  were  about  it.  I  A 

A  game  called  Bridge  has  just  reached  Scotland.  Our 
authority  for  this  statement  is  the  Bridge  of  Allan 
Gazette.  Further  details  will  be  awaited  with  interest. 

"A  striking  instance  of  lack,  skill,  or  fate  was  witnessed  at  • 
game  of  bridge  one  evening  this  week  at  Bridge  of  Allan,  when  every 
trick  was  secured,  and  what  is  technically  known  as  a 'great  alam,' 
was  the  result.  This  may  never  occur  in  a  lifetime  again." 


43* 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  13,  1907. 


CHEAP    BOOKS. 

FIRKU  l>y  the  recent  remarks  at  Tltr 
Tribune  Rendezvous,  mid  stimulated 
further  by  .\/r.  I'unch't  verses  last 
week,  a  numl  •  r  of  leading  authors 
tly  nt  the  Royalty  Arms 
at  Great  Bookhain,  to  discuss  Mr. 
RICHARD  WHITF.INO'S  suggestion  that 
all  booksahould  bepubli  <-nny. 

The  choir  was  taken  l>y  Mr.  I 
and  scats  on  the  platform  wen- 
occupied  by  a  number  of  distin- , 
guished  authors,  including 
Madame  TETRAZZIXI,  Mr. 
RICHARD  WHITEIXO.  Sir 
ARTHUR  COXAN  I). 
Mr.  II.  G.  WELLS,  Mr. 
ALFRED  AUSTIN,  the  Hon. 
WALTER  ROTHSCHILD,  Mr. 
A.  E.  W.  MASON,  M.I1.. 
Mr.  ANDREW  CARNEGIE, 
Mr.  MOBERLY  BELL,  Mr. 
HOOPER,  Mr.  SIDNEY  LEE, 
Mr.  G.  BERNARD  SHAW, 
Mr.  ARTHUR  C.  BENSON, 
Lord  ESHER,  and  Mr.  C. 
K.  SHORTER  (the  last- 
named  having  run  over 
from  Sahara  for  the  oc- 
casion, and  arranged  to 
return  to  the  desert  the 
same  evening). 

The  CHAIRMAN  in  his 
opening  remarks  said  that 
the  proposal  was  not  so 
novel  as  it  sounded.  Sixty 
years  ago  a  certain  Mr. 
HORNE  published  an  epic 
poem  entitled  Orion,  at 
a  farthing.  (Cries  of 
' '  Shame ! ' '  and  ' '  He  ought 
to  have  been  belted ! ' ')  The 
experiment  was  not  suc- 
cessful. (Cheers.)  Speaking 
for  himself,  the  CHAIR- 
MAN added,  he  would  not 
obtrude  his  own  views  on 
the  meeting,  but  would 
merely  observe  that  were 
he  offered  a  six-shilling 
book  for  a  penny  he  should 
be  divided  in  his  feelings 
between  the  satisfaction  of  saving 
himself  five  and  eleven-pence,  and 
sorrow  at  the  small  profits  that 
would  be  accruing  to  the  author. 
^  Tears.)  Before  proceeding  further 
he  would  ask  Madame  TETRAZZIXI  to 
sing  "The  Heart  Bowed  Down." 
The  prima  donna  having  rendered  the 
ballad  to  the  complete  satisfaction  of 
everyone  but  Mr.  SHORTER,  who  com- 
plained that  her  voice  was  far  inferior 
to  that  of  TAOLIONI,  the  meeting 
settled  down  to  business. 

Mr.  WIUTEIXO  having  again  out- 
lined his  modest  proposal  to  reduce 
the  price  of  all  books  to  a  penny,  the 
discussion  began. 


Mr.    II.    (I.    WKLLS    said    that    he 

could  support  Mr.  WHITKIXC  only  in 

part,      llr  would  i:  .    rn  books 

a  penny,  but  In-  \vniild  so  put  up  the 

..f   tl.i>    ol*MhM    that    they   could 

ight  by  anyone. 

Mr.  WALTKII  lI.'Tiiscmi.n  said  that 
u<  the.  author  of  a  book  priced  at 
500».  he  might  be  excused  for  regard- 
Mr.  WHITF.IXO'S  proposal  as 
somewhat  drastic.  Tho  suge 
reduction  was  too  sweeping. 

Mr.    Si:  admitted   that  it 


'      '     -    — 

Qi-DV 


SHAKSPEARE    IN    THE    RESTAURANT 

"  If  MC8IC  BE  THE  FOOD  Of  LOVE,  PLAT  OJT  ; 
(llTE  ME  EICE8S  OF  IT,  T1UT.  SUIirEITIKd, 
THE  APPETITE  HIT  8ICKEV  ASD  BO  DIE." 


was  true  that  a  penny  re-issue  of  the 
Dictionary  of  National  Biography  had 
been  suggested,  but  so  far  the  pub- 
lisher had  not  accepted  it  with  any 
warmth.  For  his  own  part  he 
thought  that  you  might  as  well  give 
a  book  away  as  ask  a  penny  for  it. 
(Sensation.)  Perhaps,  however,  Mr. 
LEE  continued,  a  compromise  might  be 
effected  by  which  the  separate  I.ivi-s 
in  the  Dictionary  should  be  issued  at 
from  a  penny  to  three-pence,  accord- 
ing to  the  eminence  of  the  individual. 
In  matters  of  this  sort  the  personal 
equation  should  always  be  carefully 
studied.  He  could  name  a  few  Lives 
which  certainly  were  not  worth  more 


than  a  penny ;  whereas  others  w  ere 
beyond  value.  (Cries  of  "  Name'  "I 
The  -  to  name  any. 

But  if  Volume  51  Sr.imx  to 
SHF.IHKS  were  consulted  possibly  the 
meeting  might  guess  at  his  meaning. 
(Laughter  and  applau-- 

Mr.  A.  K.  W.  .MVX..N.  M.P..  said 
that  he  viewed  with  alarm  the  pro- 
posal to  charge  only  a  jn-nny  fur  Tlif 
/•'HUT  /-Yiif/irr.i.  It  worked  out  at 
only  a  farthing  a  feather,  which  \\as 
altogether  absurd. 

Madame  TKTRAZZIXI. 
•  •  rising  was  tl.,  signal 
for  a  renewed  outbreak  <>f 
applause,  addressed  the 
•:ibly  in  tluent  Tuscan, 
which  was  translated  by 
Mr.  MAI-RICE  HKVU 
She  cordially  supported 
Mr.  WniTKixti's  proposal 
on  the  ground  that  th< 
money  was  spent  on  books 
the  more  would  be  avail- 
able for  the  purchas 
stalls  at  the  opera.  Thus 
every  subscriber  to  the 
Encyclopedia  Britannicn 
would  be  in  a  position  to 
go  at  least  ten  tint' 
hear  Tratiata,  Lurid,  or 
Rigolctto,  if  the  price  w.-n- 
reduced  to  the  sum  sug- 
gested. 

Mr.  ALFRED  Arsrix  sai.l 
he  had  long  contemplated 
the  issue  of  his  works  at  a 
figure  which  would  bring 
them  within  the  reach  of 
the  toiling  millions.  If  by 
the  agency  of  the  Referen- 
dum it  could  be  con- 
clusively shown  that  his 
readers  would  welcome  this 
reduction,  he  would  gladly 
acquiesce  in  it. 

Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW  e. .r 
dially      applauded      the 
Laureate's      generous      i. 
solve.       On  the   whole   In- 
thought  that  the  needs  of 
the     situation     would     be 
adequately  met  if  Mr.  ATSTIX  would 
l.t  the  public  buy  his  collected  works 
for,  say,  twopence  half-penny. 

Mr.  A.  C.  BEXSOX  said  he  be: 
that  the  cheapening  of  good  books 
must  conduce  to  the  greatest  happi- 
ness of  the  greatest  number.  After 
all,  the  greatest  literary  happiness  did 
not  consist  so  much  in  buying  as  in 
writing  books,  and  if  the  price  were 
reduced  to  a  penny  an  industrious 
author  ought  to  be  able  to  turn  out  at 
one  a  week.  It  was  far  better 
to  be  penny  wise  than  pound  foolish, 
and,  if  he  might  remind  them  of 
another  proverb,  "  No  penny,  no 
Paternoster  "  had  clearly  a  prophetic 


DECEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABI. 


439 


bearing  on  the  future  development  of 
the  publishing  trade. 

Sir  ARTIIUK  COXAN  DOYLE,  wearing 
a  handsome  Turkish  bath  -  towel, 
which  had  been  conferred  on  him  by 
the  SULTAN,  said  that  ho  entirely 
objected  to  the  cheapening  of  books. 
A  good  book  ought  not  to  cost  less 
than  a  ride  in  the  Tube.  (Cheers.) 
It  ought  to  cost  more.  (Renewed 
cheers.)  "  Another  penny  and  up 
goes  the  donkey !  ' '  was  no  motto 
for  him  (the  speaker),  and  so  long 
as  he  could  get  six  shillings  for  a 
novel  and  thrce-and-six  for  a  book 
of  sparkling  literary  essays  he  meant 
to  do  so.  (A  sob.) 

Mr.  MOBERLY  BELL  and  Mr. 
HOOPER,  rising  together  and  speak- 
ing in  perfect  unison,  said  that  un- 
doubtedly books  were  too  dear.  But 
it  was  a  question  whether  a  penny 
was  not  too  low  a  figure  for  publisher, 
printer,  binder,  paper-maker,  book- 
seller, and  librarian  to  make  a  just 
profit.  (A  voice:  "  And  author?  ") 
Yes,  and  author.  (Cheers.)  As  it 
was,  some  books  which  should  be 
nameless  were  scandalously  costly. 
(At  this  point  Mr.  A.  C.  BENSON 
began  to  take  off  his  coat.)  It  was 
to  hit  upon  the  happy  mean  that  they 
had  employed  the  pen  of  a  gentleman 
who  bore  the  auspicious  name  of 
MONYPENNY.  (Enormous  excite- 
ment.) Their  motto  as  publishers 
was  "  Not  Penny  but  Monypenny." 

Further  speeches  would  doubtless 
have  been  made  and  valuable  results 
obtained  had  not  Mr.  A.  C.  BENSON 
at  this  point  broken  away  from  the 
restraining  hand  of  Lord  ESHER.  In 
the  panic  that  ensued  the  meeting 
disappeared. 

DEPORTMENT  FOR  MUSIC 
LOVERS. 

THE  scheme,  which  has  long  been 
under  consideration,  for  teaching 
manners  to  concert  audiences,  is 
now  complete,  and  the  school  wil 
open  very  shortly.  The  original  idea 
was  not  to  begin  until  1909,  but  the 
recent  exhibition  of  homage  at  the 
sword's  point  and  admiration  with 
knuckle  -  dusters,  as  it  has  beet 
called,  on  the  occasion  of  one  o: 
Madame  TETRAZZINI'S  concerts  has 
brought  things  to  a  head.  We  quote 
from  The  Chronicle's  report: 

"  As  the  prima  donna  was  passing  throng] 
the  crowd  to  enter  the  four-wheeler,  men  triec 
to  shake  hands  with  her,  and  women  endeav 
cured  to  kiss  her.  In  the  scrimmage  her  dres 
was  damaged  and  she  herself  became  somewha 
nervous,  exclaiming  in  Italian,  '  Please  let  m 
pass.'  Eventually  some  gentlemen,  realising 
that  something  serious  might  happen  if  sh 
were  not  protected,  surrounded  her  and  helpe( 
her  into  the  cab." 


Panemjer.  "ARE  YOU  com'  TO  niso  ABOCT  HEBE  ALL  DAT,  OB  WHIT?" 
Buay.  "  IF  TEB  DON'T  LIW  IT,  YEB  CAN  OIT  on  AH'  WALK." 
Paasemer.  "On.  THAT'S  ALL  RIOUT.    I'M  HOT  M  soon  A  s 


HOBBY   AS  ALL  THAT! 


It  is  to  endeavour  to  suppress 
such  scenes  as  this  that  the  School 
of  Deportment  for  Music  Lovers 
comes  into  existence.  The  directors 
feel  that  whatever  may  be  the  emo- 
tions of  the  singers  or  pianists  during 
such  exhibitions,  it  is  better  for  the 
audience  that  they  should  not  occur. 
By  catching  little  girls-  very  young 
it  may  be  possible  to  bring  them  up 
to  realise  that  an  English  lady  can 
indicate  that  she  has  been  profoundly 
interested  in  and  moved  by  music 
without  afterwards  kissing  the  boots 
or  tearing  out  the  locks  of  the  foreign 
instrumentalist  who  has  been  making 
it;  while  boys,  it  is  conjectured, 
may  learn  that  their  first  duty  as 
men  is  not  to  molest  a  prima  donna 
with  their  embraces,  but  to  protect 
her  as  they  would  any  lady  of  their 
acquaintance  without  a  voice. 

Although  the  best  results  are  to 
be  looked  for  from  the  young,  adult 
pupils  are  also  invited.  For  these 
there  will  be  a  series  of  lectures  on 
the  art  of  keeping  one's  seat  at  the 
end  of  recitals;  suppressing  the  ten- 


dency to  rush  to  the  doors;  averting 
ihe  eyes  from  singers'  and  pianists' 
carriages,  etc.;  and  something  also 
will  be  said  as  to  the  unfairness  of 
repeated  encores  at  the  end  of 
fatiguing  afternoons. 

It  may  be  added  that  no  kind  of 
mprovement  in  the  manners  of  music 
lovers  is  really  expected. 

The  Journalistic  Touch. 
"  The  player  must  leam  to  keep 
his  temper  on  the  field  of  play,  or 
else  the  inevitable  will  certainly 
happen."— Cricket  and  Football 
Field.  

Mr.  Punch's  Motor  Expert  quotes 
the  following  as  an  example  of  com- 
mercial candour: 

••  u 's  BELT  PCLLET  Gsira 

run  like  silk,  with  no  b»ck  pre«ure  upon  your 
engine,  and  you  can  limply  w»lk  np  hill*. 
But  his  Medical  Adviser  dismisses  it 
contemptuously  as  only  another  of 
those  quack  advertisements.  Mr. 
Punch  leaves  it  to  his  readers  to 
decide. 


440 


,   OK   TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ion  i-\  1907. 


THE    COMMENTATORS. 

i.    Tin:  I'M  ; 
M.i   '  .  r    N  iu. 

Vl.ToMIL 
i  ti.w.  I).  li.irnr* 

!,.  lili.nK* lit 

M.  A.  NobU,  a* 

..1  ,fur  3  wiokcti)  373 

BARNES   and    I'III.IIKK   started    the 
bowling.     Tin  MI-I  u  was  li ••,• 
BAHM.S  ut  7.  l.ut  ilicl  not  s- 
fied    with    the    decision  ...  a    long 
stand  .  .   .  fielding    very    keen.  .   .  . 
At  48  the  first  change  in  the  bowling 
was    made,     I'.iinn;    going    on    for 

FlELDKIt    .    .    .     Illl.M  M>    .    .    .    Rl: 

.  .  .  CnvwH'iii>  .  .  .  H\KM:S  .  .  . 
FIELDER  .  .  .  BUAIND  .  .  .  RHODES. 
HOBBS  bad  an  over,  but  the  separa- 
tion came  from  tl  HIM. 
being  caught  for  a  magnificent 
innings  of  114  ...  three  chances 
.  .  .  ovation  .  .  .  another  long  stand 
BARNES  .  .  .  BKAUND  .  .  .  RHODES 
.  .  .  BLYTIIK  .  .  .  TIKI. in. u.  .  .  well 
caught  at  m  id -on  for  a  magnificent 
innings  of  189  .  .  .  two  chances  .  .  . 
ovation.  .  .  stumps  drawn. — Renter. 

II.— THE  COMMENTS. 
A. — THE  EXPANSIVE  STYLE. 
[Afltr  "  IVaru/crcr"  of  "  The  Sporttman."] 
Once  more  it  looks  as  though  tho 
Englishmen  had  an  uphill  struggle 
before  them,  but  "Captain"  JONES 
and  his  men  have  so  often  pulled 
a  match  literally  out  of  the  fire  that 
it  would  be  well  if  those  people  who 
are  proverbially  said  to  rush  in  where 
the  winged  element  hesitates  to  tread 
were  to  for  once  defer  their  prognos- 
tications of  defeat.  For  myself,  I 
have  always  maintained  that  the 
despised  "  second  eleven  of  Eng- 
land "  is  quite  capable  of  holding 
its  own  with  any  side  the  Cornstalks 
are  able  at  the  present  time  to  put 
into  the  field. 

On  this  occasion  England  made 
an  auspicious  start,  and  great  must 
have  been  the  rejoicings  among  the 
team  when  the  incomparable  VICTOR 
TRCMPKR  almost  immediately  stepped 
in  front  of  a  straight  one  from 
BARNES  and  paid  the  penalty.  Ac- 
cording to  the  cabled  account,  \\hi.-h 
is  all  that  is  available  for  the 
moment,  he  appears  to  have 
dissatisfied  with  tho  ilieisinn;  but 
after  all  this  is  all  in  tho  luck  of 
the  game,  and  TRV.MPKR  in  too  good 
a  sportsman  to  complain  if  his  star 
for  once  was  not  in  the  ascendant. 
Unfortunately  this  early  success  was 
not  folbwed  up,  and  a  long  stand 
between  MC.VI.ISTKR  and  HILL  effect- 


ually dispelled  iiny  ideas  tli'    1 
lull     may     lii 

lunell.       Cl.K- 

llu.i.,    the  I          .s   left-hunder, 
is    familiar   to    ;.-    all.    luit 
Mi    \I.lsn;it      i  ;  j  iiycd 

before    ail    English    (To"  judge 

Ly  his  performance  in  this  match. 
he  is  ill  the  lir-t  flight  of  Latsmeii, 
and  able  to  hold  his  own  with  any 
that  the  daughter  country  hns  turned 
out.  Il<  •  ntually  disi 

by  a  good  catch  Ly    I-'AM:,   the   1 

nr  holding  u  hard   hit   to  mid- 
on.      Previous  to  this,  i  .   HIM. 

had  been  neatly  taken  in  the  slips 
by  BH.U-NP  off  the  left-handed  York- 
shin-man  RHODES,  and  another  long 

:  had  ensued  between  Mi  Ai 
and  "  Captain  "  NOIII.K.     "  Captain  " 

seems  to  have  been  in  a  ] 
tangle  with  his  bowling,  for  \\- 
that  HOBBS  (whose  collcagu.    II  \\\  -. 
by  the  way,  is  to  have  a  benefit  next 
year)  was  given  an  unproductive  over 
.  .  .  (etc.,  etc.,  until  it  is  time  for 
last    year's    averages    of   the    Cross 
Arrows  C.C.  to  come  in). 

B. — THE  REMINISCENT. 

[After  Mr.  /'.  F.  Warner.] 
Mr.  McALiSTER,  whose  fine  innings 
of  189  has  had  so  much  to  do  with 
the  present  strong  position  of  New 
South  Victoria,  is  one  of  the  most 
brilliant  players  in  Australia  at  the 
present  moment.  In  fact  we  are  in- 
clined to  place  him  with  that  select 
quartette  Mr.  TRUMPER,  Mr.  HIM,, 
Mr.  NOBLE  and  Mr.  ARMSTRONG.  Ho 
has  not  yet  appeared  in  this  country, 
but  played  two  fine  innings  of  48  and 
31  on  the  Sid  bourne  ground  against 
the  1903  M.C.C.  team.  On  that  occa- 
sion he  was  the  only  one  to  make  any- 
thing of  Mr.  BOSANQUET'S  "  goo- 
glies,"  although  he  was  eventually 
caught  off  him  in  tho  country  by  Mr. 
FOSTER,  the  umpire  at  the  bowler's 
end  being  Mr.  PHILLIPS.  In  the 
second  innings  ho  was  again  caught 
by  Mr.  FOSTER,  and,  curiously 
enough,  off  Mr.  BOSAXOI-ET  once 
more.  In  tho  whole  match  Mr. 
BOSANQUET  took  twelve  wickets  f.>r 
109,  and  Mr.  FOSTER  made  three 
catches.  As  these  two  players  be- 
tween them  made  more  than  half  the 
runs,  it  will  be  seen  that  they  contri- 
buted larg.-ly  to  our  great  victory  by 
an  innings  and  383  runs.  It  seems 
unlikely  that  that  decisive  victory 
will  be  repeated  on  this  occasion. 

We  notice  that  Mr.  HIM,  was 
missed  three  times.  This  is  n<  • 
gether  the  fieldsmen 'H  fault,  f..r  the 
light  on  tin'  SidLounip  ground  is 
notoriously  difficult,  and  we  well  re- 
member how  v  i  Mr.  Ti'j 


:M  I1.*".'*  frnrii    .  which  we 

•    struck  us  on  the 
shin.        l;  I»'i7.i 

different 

ultli" 

jnnn  "//eir  in  I  the  Ani 

iVK. 

•t'.K.  It.H.Setrrll.] 
ion  TIUMI'I:U  ,!  f<.r  the 

small  .scon-  "f  ,">  was  a  :  luck 

for  the  Englishmen.        1  don't   mean 
that    it    v.  the   n  Milt   of   good 

howling,  but  that  TufMPi.u 
Le    likely    to    !"•    . 

is  inclii 
swing  from   leg  a  Lit,   and   n<>  d«uht 

Tui'MPKR     shapi-d     to     pia.-i-     the     Lai! 
Li'twei-n   mid-on   and  :-' 
Kesult     a  mistime,  and  thi 
uplift  ,          iLly   TurMPi.it 

had   i  gut    tli-  f   tho 

'<d  though  it  i  -Toke 

for   us  lessor   LaNmei. 

i.t   of  our  iin.  •    ordi- 

nary rules  cannot  Le  held  to  apply 
to  him,  and  no  douLt  In-  frit  juMili>-<| 
in  attempt  ing  the  stroke  Luck  for 
England,  and  luck  also  that  the  um- 
'•>ok  the  >-.  •  .-itua- 

tion  as  BAKNKS  and  HIMPIII. 

Tho  stand  that  follov.  ha\e 

caused  Jo-  .  liy  the  way,  wa.- 

II t    HIV    olil    sehiKi),     Bedford,    \\  ! 

.     II.     II.     VASSM.I.,     the 
Rugger  blue)  a  good  deal  of  thinking 
before  he  got  Knom:s  to  send  down  a 
slightly    faster   ball    with    plenty    of 
going-away  spin  on   it,    which    HII.I. 
edged  into  the  hands  of  BRAUND.     A 
good   wicket    well   thought  out.      1'n- 
fortunately   there   was   another   long 
stand,  and  all  the  bowlers  on  the  side 
had  to  have  a  go  before  Mi  \< 
was  caught  Ly  I-'AM:  at  mid-on.     The 
report   says   "well   caught,"    so    u. 
may    presume    that    it    was    from    a 
straight    drive,    since    tho    ordinary 
skyer  presents  no  great  dihVul: 
an    Kssex  man.        Probabh 
pitched   one   a   bit    further    up    than 
usual    (trying    for    that    yorker 
haps),    and    Mi  Ausii.it.    misjudging 
the   par.',  only   half  got   hold  of  it.       I 
ha\e  •  my  hot  drives 

in  this  position. 

!!•  ih.sis  is   worth   putting 

out  in  full :— - 


M. 
1 


w. 
0 


uas  uLuiiusly  sending  Vm 
down  (hat  nasty  length  on  the  off, 
when  you  cither  have  to  fe.-l  for 
them  or  1  alone  altogether, 

and  no  doubt  M.-.\MSTI:K  f.-lt  that  h«- 

;  of   justified   in  taking  uni 
sary  risks.   .  .  .   (rfr.,  rl,-.,  mid  after 
nil  an  rificrt  must  d<>  snmeflni 

A.   \.  Si. 


DECEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


411 


II   IS   BATUEB  HARD   ON  TUB  PATIENT  WHEN  TUB     UOCTOB,  HAVUiO  PUT  TUB   THERMOMETER   IN   HIS  (THE  PATIENT'S)  MOUTH,  TELLS   HIM 
NOT  TO  OPEN   IT  FOR  TWO   MINUTES,   AND  THEN  PROCEEDS  TO   RELATE  A  WREAMINOLT  FONNY  STORY  TO  THE  NURSE. 


A  SIXPENNY  POSTAL  ORDER. 

DEAR  SIR,— I  really  think  it  is  time  that  drastic 
measures  were  taken  by  the  Postal  Authorities  to  com- 
pel their  female  assistants  to  mend  their  manners.  1 
recently  resolved  to  enter  for  a  Limerick  competition, 
but  as  I  have  decided  leanings  to  Higher  Literature  and 
belong  to  our  NOYES  society  I  naturally  wished  to  keep 
my  determination  secret.  I  was  at  once  faced  by  the 
difficulty  of  getting  a  6d.  postal-order  without  giving 
myself  away  to  the  young  person  at  our  local  post-office, 
who,  though  haughty  in  manner,  has  a  tendency  to 
gossip  and  shows  an  impertinent  interest  in  my  letters 
and  parcels.  However,  after  much  thought  during  the 
night  watches,  I  conceived  a  plan  by  which  I  could  get 
what  I  wanted  without  arousing  her  suspicions.  Wait- 
ing till  the  office  was  empty,  I  entered  and  demanded 
a  postal-order  for  Is.  Gd.,  which  with  her  usual  scorn 
she  stamped  and  scribbled  on.  I  then  consulted  my 
pocket-book. 

"  Tut,  tut,"  I  said,  "  it  should  have  been  for  2s. 
Never  mind,  give  me  one  for  6d.  to  make  up." 

She  paused,  then  twitched  a  &d.  postal-order  from 
the  packet,  stamped  and  scribbled  on  it  in  silence,  and 
pushed  it  towards  me,  and  then  looked  up  into  my 
face  and  smiled.  It  was  a  smile  of  diabolical  intelli- 
gence. I  ask  you,  Sir,  can  nothing  be  done  to  reform 
these  deplorable  post-office  manners,  which  constitute 
a  very  real,  I  mav  say,  a  national  grievance? 

'Yours  truly,         A.   GREEN,   Junior. 


A  GREETING. 

HERE  's  a  grip  of  the  hand,  and  a  greeting  free 
To  all  good  fellows,  where'er  they  roam 

On  the  further  side  of  the  stormy  sea, 
And  another  to  all  who  rest  at  home: 

To  all  good  fellows  whoso  hand  my  hand 

Held  firm  in  the  days  that  are  spent  and  gone: 

The  jolliest,  cheeriest,  brightest  band 

That  ever  the  light  of  the  day  shone  on. 

They  lived  on  the  banks  of  the  laggard  Cam, 
And  they  took  each  term  with  a  careless  ease, 

Unspoilt  by  the  fear  of  a  near  exam.- 
Great  Zeus!  were  over  such  men  as  these? 

So  here  's  to  the  days  of  shoes  and  short  n, 

When  our  boats  went  up  or  our  boats  went  down  ; 

To  the  chapels  and  halls  and  the  grey  old  courts, 
And  the  life  we  lived  in  the  hazy  town. 

And  now  that  ourselves  are  old  and  grey 
We  can  sigh  as  we  think  it  was  long  ago 

That  our  steps  were  light  and  our  life  was  play- 
But  here  's  to  the  friends  who  made  it  so. 

Limerick  Candour. 

From  the  entry  form  of  a  certain  cigarette  competition : 
1'  Everyone  has  an  equal  chance.". 


412 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


18,  1907. 


Golfer.  "A*'  WHIT  LIKE  i  DAT  BAD  TE  IIEIE  TECTEEDAT,  MACPHERSOM  ?  " 
\lueflicnon.  "  OB,  A»  AWTO'  DAT  !    IT  WAS  JCST  FOOEUI'  !  " 
Hul/tr.  "  WEIL,  WBEL,  AM'  w  TUB  TOO*  WE  JUST  BAD  A  LOCAL  SHOWER." 
ilaepherton.  "  Aw  WEEL,  I  CAH  ASSURE  TOO  IT  WAMA  LOCAL  HERE  WHATEVKR  !  " 


THRIFT   NOTES. 

["  It  i*  justly  urged  that  in  books  on  arith- 
metic and  other  subject*  intended  for  use  in 
schools,  the  examples  and  exercises  might  be 
so  devised  as  to  fulfil  their  primary  purpose ; 
and  at  the  same  time  hare  a  secondary  use 
bearing  on  thrift" — Daily  Paper.] 


MK.  JONES  is  an  orator  who  is  op- 
posed to  women  voting.  At  each  of 
his  meetings  thirty  Suffragettes  ap- 
pear, each  armed  with  ten  half- 
bricks.  State  how  many  meetings 
Mr.  JONES  would  need  to  address  in 


order  to  provide  himself  with  a  house, 
allowing  25,000  bricks  for  each  of  the 
four  walls. 

n. 

One  hundred  Liberals,  one  hun- 
dred Conservatives,  one  hundred 
Socialists,  and  one  hundred  Suffra- 
gettes address  meetings  during  the 
recess.  Supposing  that  the  first  two 
consume  3,600  cubic  feet  of  air;  the 
third,  twice  as  much  as  the  total  of 
the  first  two;  and  the  fourth,  four 
times  as  much  as  nil  put  togeth-r. 
how  much  breath  would  be  str- 
ait were  silent  '.' 


lit. 

•i  Tariff  Reformers  assemble 
round   a   board,    and  on   rising  each 
by  his  plate  nit  .ml>s, 

which     are    carefully     saved.        The 
T.H.'s   dine   together   once   a    v 
and  at  each  meal  con 
them   three  small   l'rotert:,,n   1. 
Allowing   50,000  crumbs    for   a   loaf. 
how    long   will    it    l'i-    I  "fore    u 
takes  plafe  at  which  their  bread,  N 
far    from     costing    them     more,     will 
cost  them  nothing  at  all? 

THE  iii:i;i;iKD  THORN. 

On  tasteful  Christmas-card 
<!uy  emblem  of  forgotten  care, 

Whose  seasonable   sprouts   entwine 
St.  Nicholas  his  hoary  hair, 
And  blow  the  robin  out  with  pulpy 

fare. 

Bright  holly!  how  you  brin. 
The     raven     locks,     the     rippling 

tones 

Of  one  for  whom  I  vainly  pined, 
And      wooed      for      weeks      with 

smothered  groans — 
Fair  CHLOE   (now,    I   fancy,    Mrs. 
JONES). 

And  ah!  when  I  remember  how 

1     lost     her     through     your    lurid 

shoots, 
Offensively  hilarious  bough! 

I  long  to  grind  beneath  my  boots 
Those  everlasting  twigs  and  gaudy 
fruits. 

Twas  just  a  year  ago  to-day : 
The    house    was    full    of    wassail- 
chant, 

And  (badly  in  the  servants'  way) 
A  sentimental-minded  aunt 
Had  set  in  every  coign  some  awk- 
ward plant. 

And  1,  resolved  at  last  to  act, 

And  win  or  lose  her  on  the  n|«>t, 
Escorted  with  consumi 

My  princess  to  a  twilit  grot, 

1  took  a  seat,  I  never  dreamt 
on  what. 

I     meant     to     murmur,     "  Ciu.oi., 
do^ 

Hut    Fiirlune's    thread    is    ()    how 

thin! 
The  rosy  couch  enhances  1 

But     who    could    amorous    court 

begin 
\Vheii  sitting  down  on  spikes  that 

hurt  HI. 

And  thus  I  hate  you,  holly  sprigs : 

r  festal  air  is  all  a  sham, 
Hi-minding  me,  in  lonely  digs, 
\  moody  bachelor  as  I  nm, 
Of    love's   true   course   that   • 
in  a  dam. 


00 


O 
fe 


03 
O 


s 


18-  1907-J  PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


415 


'TO    WHAT    BASE    USES!" 

Boat.   "  I   WISH  TOO  WOULD   LET   ME   GIVE   YOU   SOME  0»  THIS  PORT.      IT  IB  THE  VERT    LiOT  BOTTLE  Of  MT   '47." 

Guest.  "  WELL,  TOD  MAT  GIVE  ME  JUST  A  VEBT  LITTLI.    I  DON'T  LIM  IT  REALLT  ;  BOT  THE  I*CT  is  I  'VE  BIEV  so  DRKADITI.LT  TROUBLED 

WITH  COLD   FEET." 


A  STAETLING  HEADLINE. 
On,  FREDERICK,  my  FREDERICK,  a  sturdy  man  is  he, 
However  many  meals  he  takes  they  never  disagree, 
In  any  sudden  danger  his  composure  he  preserves, 
He  doesn't  know  the  meaning  of  dyspepsia  or  nerves; 
But  FREDERICK,  my  FREDERICK,  you  gave  your  wife  a 

shock 
This  very  morn  at  breakfast,  which  is  sharp  at  eight 

o'clock. 

• 

Now  FREDERICK  each  day  is  wont  (indeed  it  is  my  wish), 
As  soon  as  he  has  helped  himself  to  sausages  or  fish, 
To  take  the  daily  paper  up,  which  there  beside  him  lies, 
And  skim  the  leading  paragraphs  with  eager,  glancing 

eyes. 

Then — if  his  mouth  is  not  too  full — in  quite  a  cheery  way 
He  reads  me  little  tit-bits  from  the  topics  of  the  day. 

3h,  FREDERICK,  my  FREDERICK,  'tis  thus  your  little  wife 
[B  kept  in  touch  with  all  the  sterner  interests  of  life; 


"i'is  thus  she  learns  of  railway  strikes,  of  party  feud  or 

split, 
And    who 's    the    latest    wrestler   who    haa    challenged 

HACKENSCIIMIDT. 

High  politics  or  football  we  contentedly  discuss 
Until  it  's  time  for  you  to  leave  and  catch  your  motor 

bus. 

But  to  resume — on  this  eventful  niorti  of  which  I  speak 
My  FREDERICK  at  table  sat  with  newly  shaven  cheek ; 
The  paper  he  unfolded  and  was  speedily  engrossed, 
It  rustled  as  he  propped  it  up  against  the  rack  of  toast. 
His   manly   molars   started   on    their   steady,    grinding 

task, 
"  Oh  !  is  there  any  news,  dear  boy?  "  I  ventured  then  to 

ask. 

There  came  a  pause,  a  deathly  pause — all  mastication 

stopped, 

The   knife   and   fork  of   FREDERICK    upon   the   carpet 

dropped ; 


446 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DHZMBEX  18,  1907. 


A  gasp,   a  groan — in   wild   dismay   I   started    from   my 

(.•hair. 
"  Oh,  FREDERICK,  your  face  is  pale  and  rumpled  is  your 

hair, 

Your  bacon  half  unfasted  lies,  ah  !  hoac  your  wifey  plead  ! 
Is  there  grave  news  to  tell  to  mo?  "     Saul  ho,  "  There 

is,  indeed  1  " 

"  Oh,  is  the  Bank  rate  up,  or  have  Americans  gone 

down . 

Have  Anarchists  been  killing  off  sorrfe  person  of  renown, 
Is  war  declared  with  Germany,  is  small-pox  on  the  rage, 
Or  are  the  dainty  Sisters  DARK  retiring  from  the  stage'.'1 
i  FKKDERICK,  "  Now  learn  the  awful  truth,  and  do 

not  flinch, 
They  mean  to  raite  top-hati  in  height  one-iittecnth  of 

an  inch! 

"  Oh,  arbiters  of  fashion,  what  a  cruel  blow  to  deal! 
The  brains  of  hapless  Londoners  before  the  prospect  reel. 
One-sixteenth  of  an  inch !    Ah  no,  it  cannot,  cannot  be! 
And  only  yestere'en  two  .brand-new  hats  camo  home  for 

me! 
But  what  avail  they  now?  tho  dustman's  cart  shall  bo 

their  fate!  " 
(For  FREDERICK  is  wretched  if  his  clothes  are  out  of  date.) 

Thus  spake  my  best  beloved,  then  with  heavy  sob  and 

moan 

He  staggered  out  into  tha  street,  and  I  was  left  alone. 
And  oh!  my  fond  heart  bleeds  for  him.       I  know  ho 

wonders  how 
The  latest  style  will  suit  him  when  it 's  pressed  upon  his 

brow. 
Still,  cheer  up,  dearest  FREDERICK,  though  fashion's  new 

decree 
May  make  you  look  a  perfect  fright,  you  '11  be  the  same 

to  me! 


MY   CHRISTMAS   DINNER. 
By  SELECTED  CELEBRITIES. 

[\\'ith  aeknotcletlymfnt*  to  "  UJL.P."] 

I. — By  Lieutonant-General  GIBTON  MAVIS. 
TUB  Editor  of  Punch  has  asked  me  to  contribute  to 
his  columns  my  idea  of  how  gastronomic  justice  can  be 
done  to  Christmas.  The  task  is  not  easy,  but  his  word 
is  law,  and  discipline  must  be  maintained  at  all  costs. 
I  divide  my  discourse  in  two  parts — preparation  and 
realisation.  "Christmas  comes  but  once  a  year,"  and 
it  is  therefore  only  right  that  we  should  lay  our  plans 
accordingly.  I  would  not  go  so  far  as  to  urge,  with 
some  authorities,  complete  abstinence  from  food  for 
twenty-four  hours  previous  to  the  Christmas  dinner,  but 
I  would  earnestly  impress  on  my  readers  the  need  of  a 
frugal  diet  at  breakfast,  lunch  and  afternoon  tea  on 
the  day  itself.  We  should  never  forget  the  golden  rule 
that  the  less  you  eat  the  hungrier  you  are,  and  tho 
hungrier  you  are  the  more  you  eat.  Hence  I  would 
prescribe  the  following  ante-prandial  plan  of  campaign. 
At  8  a.m.,  only  one  cup  of  tea,  with  two  slices  of  thin 
bread-and-butter.  At  0.80  breakfast:  Tea  (or  coffee), 
two  cups;  fried  sole;  kidneys  and  bacon;  omelette  aux 
finet  hcrbcs;  two  lightly-boiled  eggs;  six  pieces  of  toast; 
marmalade  or  strawberry  jam ;  and  a  melon  to  wind  up 
with.  At  11  a.m.,  I  recommend  just  one  cup  of  turtle 
soup,  with  two  captain's  biscuits.  At  1.45,  lunch. 
This,  again,  should  bo  a  light  meal — fish,  cutlets,  a 
bird,  and  a  sweet  omelette,  washed  down  with  n  pint 
of  Chateau  Yquem,  and  topped  up  with  cafe  noir  and 
a  single  glass  of  Crime  do  Menthe.  With  afternoon  tea 


at  .ri,  nothing  should  be  taki n  but  a  few  caviare  sand- 
w  i.-hes.  I  know  that  this  is  asking  a  great  deal  of  a 
healthy  normal  Englishman,  but  tic  fords  Etruria  cr,  nt. 
If  my  readers  are  sufficiently  resolute  to  adopt  this 
.n  programme  during  the  day,  they  will  find  that 
at  8.80  they  will  be  able  to  go  "  Nap  "  at  th- 
gargantuan  Christmas  dinner  beneath  which  a  board 
ever  groaned. 

II.— By  Dr.  ('.  \V.  S.u.n:uv. 

Christmas  fare,  like  all  other  fare,  >hould  lie  carefully 
adjusted  to  promote   that  ortholiiosis  which,   as   MII.II 
NIKOFK    has    clearly  slioiiM    be    the    nim    of    all 

enlightened  human  beings.     Acting  on  this  irrefragable 
assumption.   I   venture  to  submit  the  following  menu  : 
Hors  d'cfuvn-   ii   la  .! 

le  elaire  ile  lune  ;\  la  (iinnell. 
Paupiettes  de  filets  de  Soli-  a  la  Humpordinck. 

Parfait  de  foie  gras  Strasbourgeo 
Noisettes  d'Agneau  a  I'Oungin.     I'ommes  Poushkin. 
Becassines  rotics.      Salade   1'iulerewski. 

Oranges  en  surp- 

Plum  Pudding  ilumhe  an  (Jeiiievre. 
I   may  add  tho  following  simple  recipe  for  the  plum 
pudding:  — 

2  Ihs.  of  Corinth    raisins. 

7  Ihs.  of  Smyrna  raisins. 

8  Ibs.  of  Carlsbad  plums. 
4  Ihs.  of  Malaga  raisins. 
}  Ib.     of  orange  peel. 

3  Ibs.  of  Turkish  Delight. 
'2  Ihs.  of  suet. 

1  Ib.  of  brown  sugar. 
1  Ib.  of  golden  syrup. 
1  Ib.  of  apricot  jam. 

The  effect  of  such  a  pudding  on  one's  phagocytes  is 
little  short  of  miraculous,  and,  if  repeated  at  judicious 
intervals,  cannot  fail  to  affect  one's  chances  of  Ion. 
one  way  or  another. 

III.— By  Sir  J.  BRIGHTON  CROWN,  F.R.S. 
So  long  as  people  steer  clear  of  the  unutterable 
donkeydom  of  the  food  faddists,  it  doesn't  very  much 
matter  what  they  eat  for  their  Christmas  dinner. 
Personally,  I  prefer  capercailzie  to  turkey,  and  chops  to 
roast  beef,  and  I  consider  mince-pies  are  only  fit  for 
people  who  wear  Harris  tweeds. 

IV. — By  Professor  DUKF  PLUMMER,  THE  FAMOUS 

DIETETIC  SPECIALIST. 

I  am  careful  to  avoid  using  the  word  "  vegetarian," 
because  I  have  an  intense  dislike  of  the  fads  of  the 
vegetarian.  Personally,  like  Mr.  Punch,  I  am  a  Rooti- 
tootarian,  and  for  nearly  thirty  years  have  sui 
on  a  Tooti-rooti  diet,  supplemented  with  mushrooms, 
jelly-fish,  and  other  hygienic  condiments.  The  Tooti- 
rooti  regimen  (or  Tutti-rutti,  as  it  is  spelt  in  Italy)  has 
long  been  enforced  in  the  Municipal  Hospital  for  Con- 
valescent Condottiero  at  Taormma,  of  which  I  am  the 
corresponding  physician.  My  Christmas  dinner  will  he 
taken  amongst  my  patients,  and  I  hope  to  join  them  in 
a  menu  something  like  the  following,  only,  if  possible, 
more  so:  — 

Sunlight   soup. 
Kubber  cored    stew. 

Macaroni  hash  (with  Bonzoline  sauce,  chipped  edel- 
weiss, and  basilisk  jelly). 

Sirloin  of  Nut  Meat,  with   Horse-chestnut  sauca.' 
1'ncumatic  Plum    Pudding. 

Compote  of  Mirlitons. 

Dittany.     Aboriginal   Pastry: 

Pcmmican  (assorted). 


DECEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


417 


L 


MR.    PUNCH'S    DESIGNS    FOR    WOODEN    TOYS    A    LA   CARAN    D'ACHE. 

No.  II.— SOMI  POLITICIANS  AND  A  DRAMATIST. 
[With  apoloqiei-etenly  dittriluted  bttveen  the  offerer,  and  U.  Caran 


448 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


18,  1907. 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT    lias    boon    s  i     Unit     it 

would  be  a  graceful  oonpUnMnt  t<> 

the  distinguished  potentate  who  was 
•!y  our  guest  if  our  new  naval 
base  at  Rosyth  were  to  be  call.  .1 
Wilhelmshurgh,  especially  in  view  nf 
the  fact  that  its  object  is  to  look 

after  tlif  German  Ocean. 

*  * 

\V,-  understand  that  the  Govern- 
ment does  not  inteinl  tn  answer  the 
sensational  naval  programme  of 
many  with  an  increase  in  our  own 
armaments.  The  Government  places 
implicit  reliance  in  the  ability  of 
Mr.  LI.OYD-GF.OKGF.  to  readjust  imy 
disagreement  that  may  m 

A  Pittsburg  baby  has  been  chris- 
tened ROOSEVELT  CONNAUGHT  EDWARD 
CZAR  ALFONSO  WIL- 

IIM.M       McNAUOHTON, 

and  the  order  of  pre- 
cedence is  said  to 
have  caused  much 
gnashing  of  teeth  in 
several  of  the  Courts 

of  Europe. 

*  * 

The  London 
County  Council  has 
decided  not  to  follow 
the  example  of  the 
Paris  Municipal 
Council  in  erecting 
a  pavilion  at  the 
coming  Franco- 
British  Exhibition ; 
but  it  may  have  a 
stall  for  the  sale  of 
steamboats. 
%* 

The  Insh  Inde- 
pendent, in  chroni- 
cling the  latest  run  of  The  Maure- 
tania,  calls  attention  to  the  fact  that 
"  she  maintained  an  average  speed 
all  through  of  23.69  knots."  This  is 
good  reading.  Some  of  our  German 
rivals  might  perhaps  by  sporadic 
efforts  sometimes  attain  an  equally 
high  average  speed,  but  to  maintain 
the  same  high  average  speed  all 
through  is  undoubtedly  the  real  test. 

A  rabbit  shot  at  Eastwood,  Essex, 
had  a  pair  of  horns  branching  out 
from  its  eyebrows.  The  poor  little 
creature  is  supposed  to  have  eaten  a 
diabolo  spool. 

V 

A  little  while  ago  Mr.  FRANK 
RICHARDSON  announced  that  ho  would 
write  no  more  on  the  subject  of 
whiskers.  The  abandonment  of  tho 
crusade  has  'now  led  to  a  deplorable 
result.  At  a  meeting  of  Vienna 
barbers,  The  Daily  Mail  informs  us, 


it  has  be.  n  proposed  that  side 
whiskers  shall  l>e  generally  worn  as 
a  sign  of  loyalty  to  the  Kir 

.     who     himself    atlects- 

them. 

•  * 

Mr.   MUUIN   1 1  \U\I.Y  is  inter' 
himself  in  a  scheme  whereby  thi-atri- 
cal    scenery    will    be    t  ransp.  .rte.l    by 
motor-Ion  i<l  of  by  rail.    This, 

he   declares,    will    save    expense    ami 

lYf.lii    ilar 

Our  experience,  hi.wever,  is  that  it  is 
j.ist  the  motor  traffic  which  spoils  our 
rv. 

V 

The    Town    Council    of    Tunbridge 
Wells  has  decided   to   admit  motor- 
cars to  the  local  cemetery  when  they 
form     part     of     ft     funeral     re 
The  concession  is  much  appreciated 


.  nt  the  Lyceum,  will,  when  he 
is  wce.k'>d,  rise  from  the  bed  of  the 
sea  in  a  huge  diving-bell  electrically 

illuminated. 

•  * 

In   a  critique  on   a   performance  of 
H\si  the  Ihililin   I 

inij  7Y/r.;r.i/i/i  (ells  us  that  "  Mr. 
M\r,uuii's  rendering  of  "Why  do 
the  N  -  a  performance 

seldom    heard    and    i..  \er    excelled." 
This  is  high   praise  m,l-  .  .1.         \t    the 
Celled  to  men- 

tion  that   we   know   a   less   prominent 

\ocalist   who--,,  rendering  of  the  same 

llifitigh  »i/'ivr  lirard  nt  all.  has 

not  only  i  •  has 

M    been    equal! 

V 


THE   UP-TO-DATE   WAITS. 


by  motorists,  who  might  otherwise  be 
inconvenienced  when  attending  the 
funerals  of  their  victims. 

V 

We  are  indebted  to  The  Scotsman 
for  drawing  our  attention  to  a  daring 
theft,  for  the  perpetrator  of  which  we 
must  confess  to  having  a  sneaking 
admiration.  According  to  our  con- 
temporary the  Edinburgh  Detective 
Department  is  now  searching  for  a 
gentleman  who  "  Rome  days  ago, 
without  saying  anything  to  his  wife 
on  the  subject,  drove  to  the  Waverlcy 
Station,  and  left  with  one  of  tie 
Coast  trains."  But  it  was  too  bad 

of  him  not  to  have  told  his  wife. 

»  * 

Quite  a  feature  of  the  stage  of  to- 
day is  tho  trouble  taken,  in  historical 
plays,  to  ensure  historical  accuracy, 
BO  that  we  are  scarcely  surprise, 1  (,, 
hear  (hat  l-lnliiunn  Cnitnr,  in  the 
play  of  that  name  which  is  to  be  pro- 


"  I'm  \S\ST  KIK-.S  Cn\ 
was    the    title   of   a   paragraph    which 
appeared  in   Tlif   Ihiily  Chrnnifli-  last 

•    this 

time      of      year 
we   know,   inclined   to 
be    rather    lively,    but 
this    action    on    their 
part      surely      coiisti- 

ord. 
*  * 

•ording  to  The 
Tr\rtjrni>h  there 
is  a  dentist  in  Paris 
who  has  arranged 
that  "  while  he  pulls 
'•!.  a  phonograph 
sings  the  .l,-\\,  I  song 
from  Fuu.it,  or  the 
last  drawing-room 
ballad."  The  latter 
seems  the  more 
appropriate. 

As  there  are  some 
persons  who  still  ap- 
pear to  have  doubts 
as  to  iMM/.ri.u's  disloyalty,  we  would 
mention  that  we  have  it  on  excellent 
authority  that  the  captive  chief  de- 
clared last  1'Yiday  that  he  did  not 
whether  Kngland  won  the  test 
match  or  not. 


An  electrical  engine.  T  of  Akron, 
Ohio,  claims  to  ha\e  invented  :i 
machine  which  will  enable  summer 
(lowers  to  be  grown  in  winter,  or  riiv 
versa,  without  grecnho:....  t,  I  ,,r  the 
.  at  any  rate,  no  machine 
is  needed  in  our  wonderful  climate. 

Hulc    Hritannia  ! 

*  * 

Mr.  HKXHY  F.VASS,  goods  manager 

of  the  Midland   liailway  Company,  is 

•;slied   with    the   way    his  clerks 

nnd    ha  I  an   order   that 

they     shall     wear    bowler    hats    and 

trousers  in  future.     This  seems  to  be 

a  not  unreasonable  minimum. 


DECEMBER  18,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


419 


VAE    EVICTIS. 

(Thought*  on  the  passing  of  the  Ludgat»  Hill 
Uawkers.) 

No   more  may   country   cousins   and 

their  children 
(Released  from  explorations  of  the 

fane 
Erected    by    the    eminently    skilled 

WBBH) 
Admire  the  flash  of  dangled  watch 

and  chain, 
Or  view  in  ecstasy  the  weird  grimaces 
Presented     when     the     huckster's 

wizard  hand 
Compresses  and  distends  his  "  rub- 
ber faces  " 

In     goblin     scowls,     and     smiles 
grotesquely  bland. 

The     bauble  -  monger's    seasonable 

image 
Was   not   adored   of   rustic    souls 

alone, 
For  Londoners  in  legions  swelled  the 

scrimmage 
That  struggled  on  the  greasy  paving 

stone. 
Eut   vainly   has   the   British   Public 

pleaded 
Its   "  safety  and  convenience  "  is 

nil; 

In  vain  has  good  Sir  WILLIAM  inter- 
ceded, 

The  Christmas  fair  must  cease  on 
Ludgate  Hill ! 

How    merry    was    its    noise  I      The 

hawkers  hawking 
Their  pretty  gauds  with  rough  and 

eerie  yells, 
The      dismal,      shrill,      diminuendo 

squawking 
Of     dying     "poets,"     pigs,     and 

cockerels, 
The    five    queer,    tiny    notes   of    toy 

pianos, 
The  clock-work  cries  of  rabbit,  dog, 

and  cow, 

In  most  unnaturally  harsh  sopranos 
Made  one  cacophonously  jolly  row  ! 

On   Christmas-Eve   the   revels   grew 

unbounded, 

Till     Banks    became    as    puppet- 
shows  within, 

And  all  Blackfriars'  offices  resounded 
With  this  same  carnival  of  festive 

din. 
The    inmost    shrines    of    Commerce 

were  invaded, 

Her  ledgers  were  explored  by  pea- 
green  frogs, 
Her  sacred  tomes  indecently  paraded 
By    regiments    of    swarthy    Golli 
wogs. 

Though  wo  may  follow,   when  they 

have  departed 
To  unaccustomed  quarters  of  the 
town, 


lairyer  (t>  bucvlic  client  vlio  hat  called  to  tettle  an  account  that  contain*,  amon-jit  other 
itcmt,  a  number  of  unexpected  charges).  "  WHY  DOH'T  TOO  COME  INSIPI  INBTEAD  or  STAXDIXO 

THERE   IN  THE  DOORWAT  ? 

Client  (icarily).  "No,  TIIANKEF,  MISTER.    I'D  RAYTIJEB  NOT.    I  KNOWS  WHAT  TOO  BE  AFTER. 

YOU  'D   BE  CIIAROIXO   HE   BENT  IF   I   DID  !  "  


And  keep  our  kerbstone  Santa  Claus 

brave-hearted 
By    liberal    disbursement    of    the 

"  brown  "; 
Yet,  when  the  dark  December  days 

are  dying, 
A     sound     will    break    upon    the 

twilight  still 

Of  ghostly  voices  pitifully  crying 
Poor  little  spectral  toys  on  Lud- 
gate Hill! 

The  Limit  (continued). 
"  The  Bible-class  dance  is  now  ap- 
proaching, but  in  some  churches  the 
function  is  wisely  brought  off  at  the 
end  of  the  session,  and  the  attend- 
ances aro  accordingly  higher  than 


they  might  otherwise  have  been.  Re- 
ligious matters  seem  to  pall  terribly 
with  some  dancing  enthusiasts  iiftrr 
the  social.'' — Paisley  Gazette. 


The  following  story  of  the  KAIRF.II 
is  now  going  the  round  of  the  clubs: 

"His  Majesty  showed  his  knowledge  of 
history  while  admiring  •  table  which  had 
belonged  to  Catherine  11.  of  Russia  by  pointing 
out  the  eitreme  improbability  of  the  story  that 
the  Peace  of  Tibet  was  signed  upon  it  in 
1907."— Birmingham  Pott. 

A  pretty  incident,  which  would 
probably  never  have  appeared  in 
print  had  it  not  been  connected  with 
Royalty. 


4DO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

y  Mr.  Punch's  Stuff  of  1.,-ariml  Clcrka.) 
\\ilfN.    r.  ,-.  ntly,   Mr.    (iKoiniE    KrssKi.i.   received    Un- 
well-deserved lion,  .ur  of  being  added  to  the  company  of 
Council,  a  London  evening  paper,   not   to  !»• 
outdoi  "ti   i'f   merit,    gave  prominence  to  O 

portrait  block  labelled  "  The  Kight  Hon.  (1.  \V.  ]•'.. 
RUSSELL."  rnf.>r:i.rat'-ly  some  one  had  blundered. 
The  wrong  block  was  used,  giving  tin-  counterfeit  pre- 
sentment of  a  l»  :tr,h-,l  gentleman  with  a  largo  inoutli, 
more  like  the  late  Mr.  KIUT.I:U  than  the  gifted  author 
of  the  book  which  boars  the  quaint  title  A  Pockttful 
of  Ni-r/p,  nr.s  ((iitANT  HHIIAKHS).  Mr.  Rt  innate 

modesty  suggests  the  title.  His  favourite  author, 
writing  of  one  of  the  characters  in  I.othair,  says 
"  He  was  not  an  intellectual  Croesus,  but  his  pockets 
were  full  of  sixpences."  Mr.  RTSSELL'S  sixpences  vary 
widely  in  date  and  stamp.  But  they  are  all  good,  sound 
metal,  ringing  clear.  Successive  chapters,  seductively 
short,  cover  a  wide  range,  from  mothers  in  Isra.  I  to 
MAZZINI,  from  the  Star  and  Garter  to  the  Clapham 
Sect,  from  GLADSTONE  to  Lord  BEACONSFIELD.  It  is  the 
pleasant  chat  of  a  man  who  has  read  most  books,  and 
has  been  acquainted  with  most  men  and  women  who 
have  shone  in  political  or  social  life  during  the  past 
forty  years.  Writing  about  great  ladies,  Mr.  RUSSELL 
'If  the  King  saw  fit  to  confer  his  new  Order  of 
Merit  on  Florence  Nightingale,  he  would  be  honouring 
the  Order  as  well  as  the  recipient."  It  may  be  a 
coincidence,  anyway  it  is  notable  that  within  a  fortnight 
of  the  publication  of  this  suggestion  the  Gazette 
announced  its  adoption. 

It  is  much  too  many  ages  since  Mr.  CUARLES  L. 
GRAVES  delighted  the  hearts  of  scholars  with  his 
Hawarden  Horace.  His  new  volume  of  verse,  Humours 
of  the  Fray  (SMITH,  ELDER),  contains,  in  "  A  Malwood 
Eclogue,"  a  happy  reminiscence  of  those  adaptations.  For 
the  rest,  its  themes  make  a  broader  and  more  modern 
appeal.  Himself  an  Oxonian,  Mr.  GRAVES  takes  a  Cam- 
bridge man  for  his  example :  but  it  is  PRAED  and  not 
CM.VKKLEV.  In  technique  he  is  at  once  fluent  and  fas- 
tidious, the  transposed  epithet  being  the  only  licence 
which  he  allows  himself.  Perhaps  his  most  distinguishing 
gift  is  the  astounding  wealth  of  his  vocabulary.  Witness 
that  delightful  (our  de  force  in  pure  nonsense  entitled 
"Stanzas  suggested  by  a  New  Symphonic  Poem,"  which, 
to  my  thinking,  disputes  the  palm,  among  the  lighter 
verses  of  the  volume,  with  his  "Thoughts  on  Drink  in  Time 
of  Drought."  In  a  busy  career  the  time  that  Mr.  GRAVES 
can  spare  from  the  claims  of  golf  and  music  he  divides 
between  the  sober  diversions  of  a  jester  and  the  irre- 
sponsible frivolities  of  a  serious  journalist.  This 
double  life  is  reflected  in  those  Humours  of  the  /-'r<n/. 
"  1 1  urn,  mrs  "  abound,  but  the  element  of  "  the  Fray  " 
is  there  too.  He  knows  how  to  hit,  whether  ho.  wants  to 
plant  a  genial  blow  in  the  wind  of  th,<  "  New  Music  " 
or  a  nasty  crack  on  the  jaw  of  the  "  New  Journalism." 
In  both  styles  his  attack  is  irresistible. 

The  Muse  in  Motley  (BowES,  Cambridge)  is  another 
volume  of  light  verse  by  a  Punch  contributor,  an  Oxford 
man  of  a  younger  generation.  Since  Mr.  HARTLEY 
CARRICK  made  his  reputation  in  the  Granta  (a  Kiiugest 
desertion)  with  this  deathless  couplet,  after  J.  K.  S. :  — 

"  Whpn  the  Iran*  rpaiw  to  Caryll 
And  thn  Hulx>ns  P»ul  no  more  " — 

his  metier  has  been  the  felicitous  distortion  of  familiar 


I.      He   has   the   rare   advantage   of   know'm: 

•  1  it  is  good  hearing  for  us  Cantabs  when 
in  (>x,>nian  t,-!!s  ti  :  his  own  Alma  Mtitir: — 

"  Thou^l'  I'lr. 

;:.iii^'  liLr  llit'  (    .  i.  k»." 

Hut   his   \\it      and   it    is   in   wit,    ]  nithcr  than   in 

'tumour  that   Mr.    ('MtituK  shines     is  met  M   and 

-   (lie   acMih-mio   provincialism   which   is   tin- 
>f    ports    in    r<  His    manners,    it    is    tru. 

scholarly,    but    his    last*  s    are    catholic.  : 

holiest   anil   paitistal.ing  craftsman,   one  of  a  sob, HI!   that 
has   learned   how   much   deu.ted   labour   must    ;_•,,   to   the 
[perfecting  of  an   art    which,    tin  • 
the  concealment  of  its  methods. 


It  was,  I  feel  Mire,  a  little  girl  wli.  1  \i  I.-,-'. 

as   putting    the    telephone    to    bis    blind    ,  ;.          Bojl    are 

••  up  in  such  technical  details.      Hi.' 

girls  and  boys  will  find  plenty  of  things  which  they  will 
be  glad  to  get  to  know  in  thr-  -  published  by 

i     I'K"\U>K    and    HOHHKR    and    Si.  r,,in.<N.     They 
are    Tin     Humane,-    of   tin-    Kiinj'n    \itnj,    1 

.;  Tin-  liumtiiir,-  u/  ;/.(•  King't  .\ni\\i,  by  A.  1;. 
u ;  and   Tin    li«in-uu-.  •;/   7>,i;/   by   l.tuvN 

QuiLLER-CoucH.  The  scheme  jn-etty  well  '-overs  tin- 
field  of  romance  in  its  relation  to  heroism,  and  the 
workmanship  is  of  the  best  of  its  kind.  Tin-re  • 

that  speechifying  which  is  too  a]  ' 
ends.     The  books  contain  just  a  collection  of  straight- 
forward records,  with  obvious  though  unspecified  morals. 
My  congratulations  to  the  authors  and  to  Messrs.  II.  I-'. 
and  H.  and  S.     By  the  way,  why  don't  they  call  them- 
selves STODDER  and  FROWTON,  or,  since  they  are  d. 
by     a     "Joint     Comm  (which     sounds    rather 

gastronomical),  simply  FODDER  and   STOTT'.'     It 
be  so  much  easier. 


Under   the   title   Never   (PITMAN)    WAI.TIIH    KMAM  1:1, 
throws  out  some  very  useful  hints  on  "  Manners  for  the 
Multitude,"  and  JOHN  HASSALL  drives  them  bom 
his  clever  thumb-nail.     The  ordinary  books  of  eiiqu,  tte 
are  here  supplemented  by  instruction  on  the  avoidance 
of  solecisms  in  comparatively  exceptional  circun..--' 
Thus  we  are   told   how   to   behave   when   wo   drop   our 
opera-glasses  upon  the  head  of  an  old  gentleman  iu  the 
stalls,  or  when  a  sporting  host  gets  in  our  line  of  tire 
and  we  shoot  him  dead.     In  the  latter  contingency  we 
should  "always   be  the  first  to  say   'My    fault.'  '      I 
suggest  that,   as  a  corrective  for  our  rracker-i» 
whose  humour  has  never  been  of  the  subtlest,  this  little 
volume  should   be   handed   round   with    thi- 
every Christmas-dinner  in  the  land. 

From  the  lower  slopes  of  Literature  and  Art,   where 
the  climate  is  very  genial  at  this  time  of  year,   eomr 
seasonable  gifts  to  fill  the  swelling  hose  of  Mr    1'hncli 
crackers    from    Mr.    TOM    SMITH    and    M.-SM-S.    CAI.I.^. 
calendars    from    Messrs.    RAPHAII,    TIVK    and    M 
MAIUTS  WAUIP,  and  diaries  from  M.-s-r--.  .Ions  \V.\i. KI  i:. 
l>i:   l.\    1,'i-K,   and    Messrs.   T.   .1.   and  .1.    SMIIII 
Mr.    I'nnrh'x    bewilder,-d    a, 'know  lodgment  s   to   all    these 
Santa    Clauses. 


We  understand  that  the  Duke  ,.f  AiniM.r..  1'resident 
of  the  Committee  administering  the  affairs  of  the 
forthcoming  Franco-British  Exhibition,  is  anxious  to 
add  a  Salmon  1,-ap  to  the  athletic  competitions  which 
will  form  a  principal  attraction  of  the  Show.  'II 
obvious  ditViciilties  in  the  way,  but  hope  for  success  is 
not  abandoned. 


DECEMBER  25,  1907.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


4r,i 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  White  Star  liner  Mtijfxtic  on 
a  recent  voyage  carried  a  shipment 
of  4,500, (XX)  British  eggs  to  New 
York.  This  confirms  the  report  that 

a  Presidential  election  is  impending. 

*  * 

The  Express  has  published  on 
article  on  "  Tin-  Efforts  of  a  Foreign 
Tariff  on  British  Fish."  We  cannot 
help  thinking,  how- 
ever, that  only  a 
few  exceptionally  in- 
telligent fish  take 
any  interest  in  the 

question. 

*  * 

Mr.  L.*V.  HAR- 
COUKT,  in  a  speech  at 
Rawtenstall,  threat- 
ened to  swamp  the 
Lords  with  Liberal 
peers.  It  is  thought 
that  the  fees  which 
the  Government's 
supporters  would  be 
willing  to  pay  for 
the  distinction  might 
be  sufficient  to  make 
Old-age  Pensions  a 
possibility. 

* 

In  the  new  issue  of 
Who  's  Who  three 
members  of  the  pre- 
sent Cabinet  give 
Shooting  as  their 
favourite  diversion, 
while  a  fourth  men- 
tions that  he  is  a 
Boxer.  The  Suffra- 
gettes declare,  how- 
evei^  that  they  are 

not  to  be  intimidated. 

*  * 

On  the  first  day  on 
which  Mr.  Justice 
EVK  sat  in  the  Hall 
of  Lincoln's  Inn  the 
rain  suddenly  poured 
through  the  roof. 
"  Dear  me  !  "  his 
lordship  is  said  to 
have  exclaimed. 
'  This  is  as  bad  as 

the  Garden  of  Eden!  ". 
*  * 

Preparations  for  a  great  London 
pageant  are  now  being  made.  It  is 
suggested  that  each  district  shall 
contribute  from  its  midst  the  per- 
formers for  one  or  other  of  the  epi- 
sodes, and  we  hear  that  there  is  keen 
rivalry  between  the  New  Cut  and 
Netting  Dale  for  the  honour  of  pre- 
senting an  incident  in  the  career  of 
JACK  SiiEi'PARD. 

*** 
The    decision    of    the    Zoological 


Society  to  enlarge  their  grounds  is 
hailed  with  satisfaction  on  all  sides, 
the  extension  being  niueh  needed.  It 
is  not,  \\e  believe,  generally  known 
that  the  reason  why  the  publie  is  not 
allowed  to  feed  the  inmates  at  pre- 
sent is  that,  owing  to  lack  of  space, 
any  increase  in  the  girth  of  the 

animals  has  to  be  carefully  avoided. 

*  * 

The  rage  for  Lilliputian  dogs  con- 


continues  to  at t met  attention.    Them 
is    one    point,    however,    upon    which 
the  hook,  curiously  enough,  do. 
touch.      We  refer  to  (ho  great  n 
which     Bullet    (Jills    li\e,    a    fart    that 

is     constantly     eoniincntcil     on     by 
visitors  to  the  Music  Halls. 


HIS    FIRST   SWIM. 

Small  Boy  (anxioudtj).  "  On,  PA,  I  'VE  SWALLOWED  SOME  WATER  ! 


NEW  NAMES   loi;  <H.I>. 

THE   American    Governm. -nt 

sid  or  ing  tlmt  iN 
Indian  wards  would 
get  on  much  better 
without  their  poly- 
syllabic  nam< 
eently  entrusted  l>r. 
EASTMAN,  a  full- 
blooded  Sioux  who 
graduated  at  Dart- 
mouth College,  with 
the  task  of  bringing 
these  cumbrous  titles 
into  consonance  with 
modern  require- 
ments. According 
to  The  Daily 
Chronicle  Dr.  EAST- 
MAN has  now  returned 
from  the  Pine  Ridge 
Krs.i vation,  Dakota, 
after  giving  new 
names  to  nearly 
30,000  Sioux  Indians, 
titles  such  as 
"Afraid -of -a- war," 
"  Rain  -  in  -  the  - 
face,"  '.'  Big- black  - 
raven  -  with  -  the  - 
white  -eyes  "  having 
been  turned  into  plain 
Jon  N,  CHARLES, 
WALTER,  etc. 

We  unders tand 
that  Dr.  EASTMAN, 
with  a  view  to  restor- 
ing the  balance  be- 
tween the  Old  World 
and  the  New,  in. di- 
lates a  visit  to  Eng- 
land, where  ho  hopes 
to  induce  our  leading 
celebrities  to  sub- 
stitute the  pictur- 
esque nomenclature 
of  the  Red  Man  for 


\VlI.I.TIIETMWD?' 


tin  ues,  and  the  latest  fashion  among 
smart  women,  we  hear,  is  to  wear 
half-a-dozen  of  the  priceless  mites 
dangling  from  a  chatelaine. 


V 


A  little  while  ago  there  was  a  dis- 
cussion in  the  columns  of  a  contem- 
porary as  to  which  is  the  pluckier 
sex.  Looking  at  the  hats  which  the 
ladies  are  wearing  to-day  we  think 

there  can  now  be  no  doubt. 

*  * 

M.  METCHNIKOFF'S  interesting 
work  on  '.'  The  Prolongation  of  Life  " 


their  own  bald  and  unconvincing  ap- 
pellations. Thus:  — 

ARTHUR. — Two-headed-nightingale- 
who-sits-on-the-fen 

JOHN  (BrRNs).  Boanerges-of- 

Battersea. 

IA-LO.  —  Protector-of-Suffragettrs. 

AUGUSTINE.  —  Afraid -of  -  a  -  cow. 
Laughter-on-all-occasions. 

MARIE.  —  Little-white-swan-chant- 
ing -  sorrowful  -  songs-for-great-black- 

spirit. 

HALL.— Red-head-with-three-legs. 
HAROLD.— Caine-in-thc-fnoe. 


VOL. 


D  P 


452 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


•IBIJI  25,  1907. 


SHORTER    IN    EUYPT. 

A  LlTHKAIlY    I>IAKY. 

5. — I  am  going  to  Eg\pt, 
and  have  little  time  to  read  any 
books  other  than  those  that  refer  to 
that  country.  Tliis  is  very  rough  <<n 
English  authors  and  publishers,  par- 
ticularly on  til--  remaining  new  illus- 
trated editions  of  Alifi-  in  H  •  •tiiii'.r- 
land  which  1  have  still  omitted  t" 
call  perfect  ;  luit  it  cannot  In-  helped. 
Perhaps  I  can  make  up  for  lost 
opportunities  on  my  return. 
Meanwhile  I  am  going  to  Egypt, 
and  have  therefore  just  finished 
reading  an  easy  primer  of  the 
Egyptian  tongue;  The  Kncyclo- 
padta  Jirit<i>iiiii-ii  article  on 
Egypt;  The  Sphinx' t  Lawyer, 
by  tho  brilliant  I-'KANK  PAM.Y 
lionaparte  in  Kgypt,  by  HAJI 
A.  BROWNE.  .Ions  ROBERTS  on 
1'yramids;  MATTHEW  ARNOLD'S 
.V  yccrinu* ;  Dr.  ROBERTSON 
NHOLL'S  liamlch  Remarks, 
and  a.  Guide  to  Cromer.  1 
naturally  have  many  criticisms 
to  pass  on  all  these  works,  but 
there  is  no  time. 

Dec.  6. — I  go  to  Egypt  in 
the  new  steamer,  the  Helio- 
polis.  Being  anxious  to  see 
the  literature  that  would  be 
provided  on  the  journey,  I 
readily  accepted  to-day  the 
invitation  of  the  chief  librarian 
of  GOODIE'S  Library  to  see  the 
books  being  bound  for  that 
great  ship.  A  wonderful 
equipment  it  is.  Here  were 
900  or  1,000  volumes  in  Eng- 
lish, French  and  German — a 
large  number  of  them  with 
an  Egyptian  atmosphere.  I 
shall  probably  read  them  all 
before  we  sight  the  Pharos  at 
Alexandria.  All  these  books 
are  bound  in  an  attractive  red 
leather.  They  will  make  a  fine 
library,  although  not,  of  course, 
so  fine  as  mine,  for  there  are  no 
autograph  copies  among  them. 
Now  I  have  several  books  with 
Mr.  THOMAS  J.  WISE'S  auto- 
graph, for  example,  which  are 
naturally  priceless. 

Dec.  7. — On  board  the  Heliopolis 
(from  Helios,  the  sun,  and  jwlis,  a 
city;  meaning  literally  the  City  of 
the  Sun).  I  have  had  considerable 
difficulty  in  getting  into  my  state- 
room on  account  of  the  packing-cases 
of  books  which  absolutely  filled  it. 
We  had  at  last  to  effect  an  entrance 
through  a  port-hole.  After  some 
hours  of  steady  application  I  r 
pathway  through  the  volumes,  and 
now  all  is  comfort  and  luxury.  The 
officers  and  sailors  are  most  polite. 


They  evidently  know  who  1  am. 
Probably  they  read  The  .S'/'/ 

l>f.   H.      1   cannot   make  sun-   how 

I    h:i\  e   been  1  1.   for  \\  hen    1 

i   the  captain  this  morning  how 

lie    liked    my    lit'-rary    letter    in    The 

N/I/HTI  .   In-  replied  that   he   ha. I   • 

r    contained    anything 

Lilt    pieti:;  '-  I    have    no 

doubt  that  now  and  thru  Mr.  WIL- 
LIAM in.  MoitiiAN  has  hail  his  rebuffs 
too.  Mr.  WILLIAM  I>K 


time  on  (ierm:in!  Then  I  might  be 
e\eliangi:iuf  delightful  badinage  with 

of    which    1     ha 

make  all  my  remarks  through  COOK'S 
interpreter.  Hut  what  a  country! 
Shades  of  .lo-i  m  and  PoTii'iiAR  and 
all  the  PiiAiMoiK.  and  (  .r.>\u  and 
:  \1H\  and  the  I'lol.'  1 

lay  awake  all  m.-lit  thinking  of 
PA<HT  and  Ciu.ops  :n,d  EUllEBES  II. ; 
and  this  unit  l>lnnehe  remind 

how  infinitely  Mip-  rioi         I.'  M  h 
IIVM'S  II  hitf  Kniijht  to  his  mid- 
Victorian 

D«e.      II.      The      Sphinx      at 
lo   I    r.-mei!.': 
;it    with    mystery; 
never    do    I     :  r    having 

had  '  .•nun- 

drum.       V"t     if     (Knii-rs 
could   not   guess  it,   how  should 
!  1   do  hope   I    have  got   my 

lit;    but  I 

don't  in    Ih.- 

Hl;o.\  i  K    |  I     v.i.nder,   by 

the     way,     what     the     Sph 
the   l;.-d  Ct)neen  ol    :  -.-ad. 

And     the     ]'HAI{\olls     Ivin 


ClIEISTMAS  PEACE. 

A  PESSIMISTIC  FORECAST  Or  TUE   WllTS    IN    TUE 
AlBSUIP   AOE. 


|  might  add,  is  the  son  of  a  famous 
and  eccentric  mathematician,  greatly 

'addicted  to  Spherical  Trigonometry. 
and  not  altogether  unlike  I,i;\\is 
CARROLL  (the  l;  CIIAICI.I.S 

LUTWIIKU:      l)o|)(isoN|      in 

ment,  which  reminds  me  that  I  ha\e 
never  seen  such  admirably  illustrated 
books  as  all  the  new  Aliccx,  so  • 
superior  to  poor  TI.NSII  i.. 
Deo,  11.     Egypt  :it  l;i>1-    1  !|111  :1" 

among   the   Egyptian*,      llow    1 

of  jne  not  to  have   learned   Egyptian 

sooner,   instead  of  much 


.•atll       those      JM:I 
piles    of    stone,    what    did    they 
Oh     to     1  ?i     at 

Alexandria   In -fore  the  fire!      To 
have  been  librarian,  or  even  nn 
under-lihrarian     in     that 
temple    (,f    perusal.    Would    ha\e 

bappini  f.  r  me. 

"  What      my  donkey  will  • 
cold    if    I    don't     !:  Oh, 

all  right  "~  thus  does  th--  in- 
siste:  •  .t  ruin  th«-  day- 

dreams of   the    inusiT.      lint   at 

I   have   dot;. 

good  turn.  I  have  |.nli..r*my 
donkey-boy  to  change  the  name 
of  my  from  Lord 

Kitchener  to  Joseph    Vance. 

"So   f.ir.  tin-   i.  '  M  y  :i  |<-n 

of   white    \\  \\  iiii-li   li  .- 

1")C  eggs   in    the    month.       Ii.    . 
nv.il  is  a  1*11  of  imff  1'lyin  >uth   Kocki, 
which  h  b  Lid  c: 

j  Mail 

This  word  "exactly"  just 
shows  upon  what  a  little  a  good 
story  d.-pends.  Ai 

fit  her  way,   and   the   whole  savour  of 

tho  jest  would  have  been  1 

"  Al«ny«    f.irtunnto    in     in    s|«\il.. -i-i.    tin. 
Il:unill  .  IH    t'llll>    lniiv    V'     I"' 

Mi'l  t.  bar* 'rtrnak  ila' in  Mcuring  a  j 

,'y  en    liiii'  •  '  Tlio 

Iliiiiitlliin  .Ir/rcrtiirr. 

This  seems  to  give  us  the  club  at 
its   happi.    ' 

Commercial  Candour. 

"  The   F-  ,r,    for   which    1'J 

gold     i lals     ha\e     b.  en     awarded, 

jirice   .'!,/.    en.-h.  " 


PUNOtt,  Oft  TUB  LONDON  CHAIUVAttt 


2.",,  190?. 


OUT    OF    THE    BILL. 

[The  Management  of  Drury  Lane  Theatre  propose,  to  di.pen*  with  the  Harlequin*!,  in  thii  year',  Pantomim..] 


451 


ITNCII,  ou  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


HBO  -~>.   1907. 


Ali  \\    KMI.K. 

A   (  iiui-i  \i\s  CKKKI-IXC   JR«>M   I.. 

•:i-  squirrel  in  his  native  holt-, 

In  .  o.ik  \\licri-mi  tht-  dead  leaves  flutter; 

Now  w   fiom  the  1  !e. 

I'louting  tin-  drifts  that  pile  his  favourite  gutter, 

-  and  one  for  cast  ,.1-and- 

butter. 

Now  hea.  liu  his  dhinest  jape, 

Conscious  of  tips  his  pleasanti  ler; 

Now  seedy  bank-clerks  starve  themtelref  to  scrape 
A  paltry  surplusage  of  l.-cul  tender, 
Evolving  Christinas   Drifts    fn.in    screws   incomparably 

blender. 


make  their  mute  appeal  from  ponltt  r.-rs'  shops 
Those  mammoth  turkeys,  primcst  of  their  species; 
Now  the  bazaars  are  pile.)  \\ith  patent  tops. 

And  Teddy  hears  and  lambs  with  woolly  lleeces, 
Air-guns  for  horrid  boys,  and  dolls  for  favourite  female 
nieces. 

Christmas  is  come  !     A  thousand  puddings  stund 

Hallowed,  superb,  upon  the  kitchen  dresser; 
Dyspeptic  celibates  in  clubs  demand 

Roast    goose    (ye    gods!),    and     WILLYTM     answers 

1  Yes,  sir." 

And  (strange!)  Hygeia  overlooks  these  indiscretions, 
bless  her  ! 

That  young-old  man  ;  behold  him  from  afar, 

With  white  fur  cap  and  twinkling  eyes  thereunder; 

Tall  reindeer  harnessed  to  his  glittering  car, 
And  in  the  boot  his  ancient  stores  of  wonder, 
For  dim  eyes  to  grow  moist  above  and  tiny  hands  to 
plunder. 

Watch  the  old  fellow,  what  sly  arts  he  employs 
To  send  our  sullen  spirits  up  like  rockets, 

Till  crusty  gentlemen  that  loathe  small  boys 
Fumble  for  shillings  in  their  waistcoat  pockets, 
And  grim  old  maids  make  tearful  gifts  of  chains  and 
treasured  lockets. 

And  we  that  speak,  on  Memory's  ringing  sleigh 

Home  by  swift  thoughts  across  the  leagues  that  sever, 

Come  ufter  him  ;  then  render  us,  we  pray, 
Rough  greeting  such  as  loyal  men  endeavour 
Who  shake  their  old  friend's  hand  and  cry,  "  What  ! 
TOMPKINS?    Well,  I  never  1  " 

Here,  where  the  sun  shines  and  the  roses  blow 
Through  mild  mid-winters,  come  no  indications 

Of  Christmas,  save  Gorgonio's  crown  of  snow, 
And  colder  nights,  and  paste-board  intimations 
(Eight  cents  to  pay)  of  kind  regards  from  overlooked 
relations. 

Here  are  no  snow-flakes  on  the  lesser  hills, 
N<>  pleasant  snooze  before  the  glowing  embers 

Prior  to  tea  and  toast,  no  fogs,  no  chills, 
No  skating  parties  such  as  one  remembers, 
No  pantomimes  that  made  us  laugh  in  dead-and-gonc 
Decembers. 

But  still  (pro  forma)  on  the  actual  day 

Our  groaning  board  is  decked  with  alien  holly; 

Ktill  we  contrive  in  just  the  good  old  way 
To  laugh  and  joke  and  be  extremely  jolly, 
While    Yi  N    brings    in    the    goose    and    grins  —  "  Him 
loasted  fine,  by  golly  I  " 


Thell    as    We    sip    It    tille    \OUIIL'    l,:lti\e    port. 

\\'e  swap  old   \tirns  of  haunts  we-  oiiee  frequent'  .1. 
Those    faunirite   golf-links,   that   sublime   n  sort 
:   tine  old  ale,  of  wondrous  digs  we  rent. 

nee  enjo\ed  and  aft.  rw  urds  i\  \ 

And  \isio;  ,  fore  our  torpid  ;• 

-1m ft    from    Memory's   poignant   quhcr    - 
Snow-powdered  hedgerows  of  the  country  wa\s, 
The  drifting  lights  upon  the  fog-bound  ri\.-r. 
Till  starting  up  we  cr\.  "  'I  bat  g<-ose'  I  knew  'twould 
touch  my  liver  ! 

Thus  do  we  strive  to  keep  your  memory  green. 

Our  countrymen,  and  annually  do  \ou 
Some  little  honour,  in  that  we  have  been 

Mono.!]-,  d   Ourselves   because   of  old    We   knew   you. 
•  her  year  has  :  !  hen  here  's  a  merry  Christmas 

to  you  !  Al.i. 

INKXl'F.NSlYr.  CUTS. 

AT  this  season  of  the  year  most  of  us  ale  faced  by  the 
problem  of  how  to  afford  f  .ssihle  pleasure  lit 

the  smallest  possible  expense.  I'.elow  are  some  sugges- 
tions for  useful  and  acceptable  Christmas  gifts  at  a  low 
price. 

It  is  always  difficult  to  think  of  something  suitable  for 
a  man.  If,  perchance,  he  be  a  smoker,  the  trouble  is 
less  than  if  he  be  not.  A  very  useful  gift  to  the  smoker 
would  be  a  good  supply  of  matches.  It  would  raise  him 
above  his  fellows,  for  at  present  a  smoker  with  matches 
of  his  own  is  practically  non-existent.  Twelve  bozea  can 
be  purchased  for  three-halfpence,  and  for  an  outlay  of  a 
shilling  or  cighteen-pcncc  a  gilt  of  imposing  dimensions  is' 
possible.  Don't  buy  a  silver  matchbox,  as  he  bus 

Tobacco  is  also  most  useful  to  a  smoker.  A  nice  dark 
kind  can  be  bought  at  3\d.  per  ounce.  A  good  method 
is  to  purchase  half-a-pound,  take  it  from  its  wrappings, 
loosen  it  out  so  that  it  occupies  as  much  space  as  possi- 
ble, and  then  re-puck  in  a  nice  white  sheet  of  paper, 
tying  with  a  piece  of  pale  blue  ribbon.  An  added  joy  will 
come  to  the  giver  in  that  this  gift  is  as  likely  as  anything 
to  cure  the  smoker  of  his  bud  habit. 

To  a  man  who  does  not  smoke,  writing  material  is 
generally  useful.  A  dainty  present  can  he  made  of  a 
dozen  lead-pencils,  which  can  be  purchased  for  '2\J.  Cut 
each  pencil  into  three,  making  the  pieces  of  a  right  si/e 
for  the  waistcoat  pocket.  Then  ascertain  the  colour  of 
the  clothes  worn  by  the  person  to  whom  thr  pr.  sent  is  to 
be  made,  and  paint  the  pencils  with  a  harmonising  shade 

of  Aspinall's  enamel.      Ink  too  is  always  m ptahle  by 

the  writing  man.  Purchase  a  twopenny  bottle.  As  the 
glass  of  the  bottle  will  probably  be  coarse,  and  will  lack 
the  dainty  appearance  which  u  present  should  have, 
obtain  u  small  cut-glass  scent  bottle  with  a  little 
left  in  it.  Pour  the  ink  into  tlie  scent  bottle,  shake  v.el!, 
tie  with  pink  ribbon,  and  there  for  a  trilling  outlay  is  a 
novel  and  at  the  same  time  useful  present. 

A  pair  of  gloves  never  comes  a  lady.     They 

can  be  bought  at  prices  from  lx.  OJc/.  per  pair.     A  dainty 

packet   of  pins  will   be  given  by  the  shopkeeper  instead  of 

the  odd  farthing,  if  desired.      If  any  doubt  is  entertained 

that    inexpensive    gloves    will    he    Welcome,    buy    them    (Wo 

sixes  too  small,  and  the  pretty  compliment  thus  paid  will 
amply  atone  for  poor  quality. 


"It  is  propoppd  to  manufacture  gun-<-'>!'i>  i  i-\]>)ci&ive9,  a  number  of 
patients  1m  ing  been  »ojuirr<l."     Manrhenlrr  '/uarjmn. 

Where  is  your  "  Brown  Dog  "  now'.' 


DECEMDEn  25,  1007.]  PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


455 


THE    DANGER    OF   A    LITTLE    LEARNING. 

(At  a  French  Kestaurant  in  SoJu.) 
Bertie  (affected  ly  Continental  atmosphere).  "WELL,  ir  I  DON'T  SEE  TOD  AOAIJT,  An  nroig!" 


"TEDDY"    AND    THE    CROWNED 

HEADS. 

ACCORDING  to  the  New  York  cor- 
respondent of  The  Daily  Telegraph, 
it  is  generally  believed  in  Washing- 
ton that  when  President  ROOSEVELT 
leaves  the  White  House  he  will 
make  a  world-tour,  calling  upon 
every  monarch  in  Europe:  — 

"At  luncheon  recently,  it  is  reported,  Mr. 
Roosevelt  intimated  to  Baroa  Speck  von  Stern- 
burg,  the  German  Ambassador,  that  he  intended, 
on  retiring  from  the  Presidency,  to  call  upon 
his  Imperial  master.  '  Specky,  when  I  get  off 
the  job,  I  am  going  over  to  see  your  boss,'  is 
the  pi-ense  pbraae  attributed  to  the  American 
President,  whose  informal  Yankee  methods  of 
expression  greatly  amused  his  Excellency.  Mr. 
Roosevelt  and  the  Baron,  be  it  recalled,  are 
great  personal  friends,  and  in  the  meetings  on 
the  lawn-tennis  courts  last  summer  at  the 
\Vhite  House  the  President,  as  I  have  men- 
tioned before  in  The  Daily  Tde,;raph,  not 
infrequently  called  the  Ambassador  'Specky.' 
It  is,  of  course,  a  distinct  score  for  a  diplomat 
.0  achieve  such  friendly  relationship  with  a 
Democratic  President,  and  it  will  be  no  disad- 
vantage, from  our  standpoint  here,  when  Mr. 
1  ryee,  the  British  Ambassador  at  Washington, 
shall  be  known  to  Mr.  Roosevelt  as 'James,' 
or  even  plain  '  Jim.'  " 

The   effect   of   this   announcement 


on  the  Crowned  Heads  of  Europe 
we  are  in  a  position  to  state,  has 
been  immediate,  intense  and  acute 
Prince  BUELOW,  in  an  interview  with 
the  representative  of  the  Frankfurter 
Zeitung,  and  replying  to  the  question 
"  What  would  be  the  result  if  Mr. 
ROOSEVELT  were  to  address  the 
KAISER  as  'BILL'?"  said  that  he 
always  preferred  discussing  concrete 
facts  to  hypothetical  contingencies. 
But  if  Mr.  ROOSEVELT  persisted  in 
the  intention  which  was  attributed  to 
him,  he  (Prince  BUELOW)  would  not 
be  answerable  for  the  consequences. 
There  was  an  old  proverb  to  the 
effect  that  a  cat  might  look  at  a 
:iing,  but  it  was  a  far  cry  from  that 
;o  an  ex-President  addressing  an 
Emperor  by  his  Christian  name. 

A  similar  question  having  been 
)ut  to  the  Russian  Premier  by  the 
Vovoe  Vremya,  M.  STOLYPIN  returned 
a  guarded  reply.  For  the  President 
of  the  United  States,  while  he  was 
still  President,  to  address  the  German 
Ambassador  as  "  SPECKY  "  was  one 
ihing;  for  him  when  no  longer 
President  to  address  the  TSAR  as 
'  NICKY  "  was  another  matter  alto- 


r, and  savoured  of  the  extremist 
Socialism.  He  sincerely  hoped  that 
Mr.  HOOSEVKLT  would  reconsider  his 
intention,  or,  at  all  events,  content 
himself  with  styling  the  TSAR  "  Little 
Father,"  in  which  case  the  TSAU 
might  possibly  retaliate  by  addres- 
sing him  as  "  Big  Brother." 

Prince  OLAF,  who  was  interviewed 
on  his  return  to  Norway  by  several 
distinguished  journalists,  said  that 
he  couldn't  prevent  Mr.  KOOSKVF.LT 
from  calling  him  "OLAF,"  but  that 
lie  had  not  the  slightest  intention 
of  calling  him  "  TEDDY  "  in  return, 
We  understand  that  the  Prince  of 
AsTntiAS  has  resolved  to  assume  a 
similar  attitude  of  reserve. 


An  official  of  the  L.B.  and  S.C.R. 
s  reported  in  The  Daily  Mail  as 

Diving: 

There  are  indications  that  the  number  of 
eople  spending  London  out  of  town  at  country 
esorts  will-  be  far  larger  than   in   prcriou* 
veara." 

On  the  other  some  of  the  bent 
>eople  are  spending  the  country  at 
"treatham. 


450 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  C1IAK1VAUI. 


L>.">,  1907. 


BoADlCEA./fc*— *.; 


THE    REAL    REALISM. 

[A  correspondent  of  The  Daily  Chronicle  writes  with  reference  to  the  proposed  statuary  group  on  tl:e  Constitution  Hill  Arch  that  it 
"  isiies  anew  the  question  of  the  impropriety  of  erecting  sculptured  representations  of  the  human  figure,  as  well  as  of  animals  generally,  iu 
positions  which  they  could  not  or  would  not  occupy  naturally."] 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

TOWN  IN  WINTER. 

Clarldje'f,  December  19. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — 1  always  think 
town  is  comfiest  in  the  before- 
Christinas  season,  which  is  a  par- 
ticularly lively  one  this  year.  1'  ve 
l.'-'-n  doing  n  simply  frantic  heap  of 
shopping.  Y"ii  sec,  when  you  find  a 
really  sweet  thing,  you'  re  bound  to 
buy  it,  not  only  because  you  want 
it  yourself,  hut  to  prevent  anyone 
else  from  having  it.  Darling  I'om- 
pom,  too,  wanted  everything  new 
that  a  little  doggie  can  want,  from 
motor-goggles  to  a  manicure-set  and 
sleeping-socks. 

People  are  dancing  a  good  deal 
this  week— for  charity,  of  <••  1: 

you  do  dance  in  town  ut  this  time 
of  year,  it  '»  correct  to  dance  in  aid 
of  something.  There  was  a  very 
cheery  affair  at  the  Grafton  Galleries 
the  other  night  for  the  Horribly 
Afflicted. 

I  gave  a  big  dinner  for  it,  and 
so  did  several  others,  including  the 
BuLLYON-BoDNDERMERE  woman,  who 
brought  on  a  weird  crowd  of  un- 
knowns, d  propos  de  quoi  I 
TRESYLLYAN  tells  a  little  story.  For 
his  sins,  he  was  dancing  with  one  of 
the  weird  unknowns,  ami.  nfi.-r  start- 
ing a  few  topics  of  chat  and  finding 
nobody  at  home,  he  tried  the  new 


singer  and  her  wonderful  F  in  alt. 
that  everyone  's  raving  about.  This 
was  the  answer  he  got:  "Oh,  1  'in 
ashamed  to  say  I  haven't  heard  her, 
in  Alt  or  any  other  opcni ! 

The  B.-B.  woman  has  quarrelled 
with  all  her  bear-leaders  now,  and  is 
trying  to  get  along  on  her  own,  with 
woeful  results  !  What  do  you  think  ! 
The  creature  is  imitating  me  in  a 
most  outrageous  way.  1  hear  she  's 
had  the  "  Valse  Blanche  "  danced 
at  one  of  her  horrid  let-'ein-all-como 
parties.  And  as  if  that  were  not 
enough  she  's  actually  using  my 
own,  my  very  own  scent,  white  chry- 
santhemum, "  Blanche  Multimill  " 
brand,  distilled  for  me,  the  sweetest, 
subtlest,  faintest  perfume,  associated 
utterly  with  me,  so  that  when  peo- 
ple become  aware  of  it  they  say 
"  BLANCHE  is,  or  has  been,  }•.- 
And  now  I  shall  never  he  able  to  use 
it  again.  How  the  creature  got  hold 
of  it  1  can't  imagine.  I  think  of  go- 
ing to  law  with  her  about  it. 
is  a  pleasure  as  yet  untested.  What 
lovely  frocks  I  "d  wear  in  court,  and 
what  smart  things  I  'd  say  I 

CROPPY  VAVASSOR  and  PIGGY  in: 
LACY  have  been  quite  cool  to  me 
lately;  and  about  ir/mf  d'you  sup- 
pose? My  dear,  it  's  the  funniest 
thing  I 

One  evening  down  at  Broad  lands 
wef  were  rather  hard  tin  for  something 
to  piny  at,  so  we  had  a  game  of  ','  I 


twig  you  by  your  nose."  A  sheet 
was  hung  across  the  arch  of  the  small 
white  drawing-room,  and  a  nuinher 
of  them  were  to  put  their 
through  a  slit  in  the  sheet  for  their 
"  friends  in  front  "  to  guess  at. 
CROPPY  put  his  DOM  through,  and  I 
called  out,  "  PIGGY'S."  They  've 
both  been  on  their  hind-legs  about 
it  ever  since.  And  the  best  of  it  is, 
my  dear.  -I,  that  tin-re's  nothing  to 
choose  between  their  noses;  they 
both  have  what  I  should  call  funny 
noses,  decidedly  cheaply  run  up. 
But  for  the  rest  of  the  evening  they 
taking  ungry,  furtive  looks  at 
each  other's  profiles;  and  CHOPPY 
came  to  me  to  say  in  con  lid 
"Come  now,  BLANCIM:!  II 
Injun!  You  were  paying  me  off 
some  old  score  when  you  pretended 
to  mistake  my  i.osc  f,,r  Hull  fellow's, 
now  weren't  you'.'"  1  a  little 

later   it    v  v,    with  :    "I    say, 

you  know,  I  don't  set  up  to  have 
much  of  a  nose;  but  1  snij,  you 
know,  it  's  a  Lit  rough  on  me  to  have 
that  fellow's  taken  for  mine  ' 

I  was  discussing  the  matter  with 
NuRTY  the  other  day,  and  he  says 
you  nc\er  mill ij  know  what  people 
are  till  you  touch  them  (metaphori- 
cally speaking)  on  their  noses,  and 
that  there's  no  feature  nl.out  which 
more  self-deception  exists.  II.  's 
quite  a  philosopher,  that  l>oy. 

Ivvor    fliinn  Hi  (Vf 


Kvcr  thine, 


BLAKCHI. 


DECEMBER  25,  1907.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  457 


MR.    PUNCH'S    DESIGNS    FOR    WOODEN    TOYS    A    LA   CARAN    D  ACHE. 

Np.  11^.— A  ifEPLET  or  CrLEBBrriGj. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


2;.,  1907. 


Till:     KI.FKIN',  -     i   II1USTMAS  TlIF.i:. 


mine,"  said  the  Klfm  Kiiij;, 
"  Blow  me  a  tlourish  mill  make  it  swing. 
I'p  with  your  bugle,   fill  \our  cheeks, 

.   Now,  blow,   Now    till  tin1  iiiu.-ic  speaks, 
That  nil  my  people  limy  hear  it  «•!- 
And  l--:t\e  their  places  iiiul  hurry  h- 
What's  that  you   mutter.'     A  A   bore! 

I'r;iy  what  ilo  \.ni  think  I  pay  you 
Blow,  you  do}>.  till  you  crack  or  burst  . 
Blow  till  you  '\«  fairly  earned  your  thirst; 
I  haven't   prepared  iny  Christmas  t 
And  loaded  it  only  for  you  and  inc." 

Now  the  Bugler-Elf  was  u  queer  old  fellow, 

Good  at  a  grumble, 

And  ne\,-r  humble, 

His  cap  was  red  and  his  cloak  was  yellow. 
And  the  t-niiTald  tunic  he  looked  so  fat  in 
Was  tastefully  slash.  -d  with  ruby  satin. 
His  shoes  were  green  and  his  hose  were  white, 
And  everything  seemed  H  trifle  tight. 

His  bugle  hung 
I'.v   his  side  and  swung: 
And  he  took  it, 
And  eyed  it, 
And  shook  it, 
And  tried  it, 

i  then,  und  then 
He  tried  it  again, 

And,  puffing  his  purple  cheeks,  nt  Inst 
He  set  to  work  and  he  blew  his  blast. 

Oh,  but  it  rang, 

And  sweetly  sang, 

And  joyously  welled 

Front  the  source  of  sound  ; 
And  pierced  and  shivered  the  walls  of  night 
Till  it  tumbled  back  from  the  hard-won  height. 

And  again  it  swelled 

As  it  echoed  round, 
And  then  it  rose,  it  rose,  it  rose, 

Searching  the  dark  and  cloudy  hollows  through, 
And  ever  louder,  clearer,  shriller  blew, 
Till  on  one  last  long  note  it  faded  to  its  close. 

"  Bravo!  "  said  the  King.   "  Well  done,  my  boy!  " 

Hut  the  bugler  wasn't   the  one  for  joy; 

H<-  dropped  his  jubilant  bugle  down, 

And  looked  at  the   King  with  n  fearful  frown. 

"  My  throat,"  he  observed,  "  is  parched  and  tickly; 

It  's  dry  as  the  dust  and  very  prickly, 

As  if  I  had  swallowed  a  full-grown  thistle: 

I  shan't  be  well  till  I  '\e  \\<  t  my  whistle." 

And  he  rang  the  bell,  and  be  roared  out  ",  Wine! 

Let  it  be  rich  and  rare  and  fine!  " 

So  they  brought  him  wine  in  a  thimble  eup, 

And  "  I.uek!  "  he  grunt-  d  and  drank  it  up. 

But  hark,  hnrk,  hark!     The  little  folk  are  coining! 
The  night  is  filled  with  a  lively  sort  of  humming. 
There  's 
And  a  char 
And  a  claf 

And  the  bugler  frowns,  but  it  doesn't  seem  to  matter  ; 
1  the  hum  grows  loud- 
i  the  King  looks  prouder, 
For  the  merry  little  elves' 
• 


They   heard   tin-   bugle  calling   and   they  're   hurrying 

t..    i-.-e 

!  ih.-ir  monarch,  and  the  royal  Chribtmus- 

v  they  burr 

they  made  their  vo; 
A-  they  thronged  into  the  palace  and  were  we! 

by  the  King. 
Though  the  (v>ueen   1.  •  iier  funky,   if  tin-  t--rm 

may  he  allowed  ; 

She  had   read  of  insurrections  and  she  didn't   like  a 
wd. 

:ln-  Kin;;,  he  shook  his  sceptre, 
And  he  Iti  lie  kept  her 

To  do  his  lieges  honour  and  to  listen  to  their  c! 
With     her    bodyguard    to    IKK  k    her    of     the     F.llin 
Greiiad' 

When  all  were  gathered   the  Chris1 

Was  lit  by  the    King  himself; 
It    u  .  t  heavily 

With  presents  for  e\-  i\   Ell. 
Thcr- 

For  the  tin  , 
And  dolls  in  prams  and   mechanical   toys 

••  all  the  gossamer  gill-  and  K 
And  jewels  ran- 
For  the  Klfin  fair; 
i   a  pencil-case,  or  n  fountain  pen, 
Or  a  walking-stick  for  the  Ellin  men. 
Everybody   looked   mighty   pleasant, 
For  nobody  failed  to  get  a  piesent. 

And  next  the  hall   was  cleared   for  dai; 

And  they  all  dashed  in  for  the  kitchen-lain-- 

They  walt/cd  and  they  polked  —  but  some  sat  out  — 

And  supped,  and  then  with  a  lo\al  shout 

Took  leave  of  their  King,  who  still  looked  hearty, 

And  so  went  home  from  their  Christmas  in 

=====       '   I!    '      '' 
NUBLE 


I/in/  Iriril  (/ion  f 
The  New  Food  on  the  New   S\Mem! 
\\hen  you  eat  Nublets  you  lose  your  la-te  for  all  other 

•U  ! 
Then  you  lose  your  t 

THINK  m   TIM:  S\vi\- 

NuNets 

In  tins,   hags  and  sa. 

Sample  tin  free  on  receipt  of  :i  '.)  for  j«-»st 
No  Limerick  Competitions. 

r  N'riu.i 

To  be  obtained  at  all   :  •  Oil- 

inerc-hants,  and  I'ii'ture-postcai.l  Shoj.s. 


"Wild  Weather. 
A  Hriuui  ANK  IN  Tin 
Hi-Ni'Ui;i'S  -IK  A  "r.ii  WM 

The  above  headlii  .lied  from  one  of  our  sensa- 

tional contemporaries. 


"Moron  Cyclirt  (20)  irimlil   likr*  .:.iang  motor*, 

unart,  iutereetwl  i. 

We  hope  he  will  get  th«-  company  he  wishes.  Certainly, 
if  we  were  looking  for  a  situation  among  motors,  we. 
should  like  thi  in  to  be  Ci  't,  :md  interested. 


DECEMBER  25,  1'JOT.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


459 


Thruster  (to  rival  u-lio  IMS  dUmou.UeJ  to  open  a  yate)   "  I'LL  JCST  oo  on  AXi)  KEIP  'EM  m  BIGHT !" 


THE    MOTOR    AND   THE    MAN. 

[A.  Motor  Show  is  a  place  where  one  can 
enjoy  oneself  at  the  least  possible  expense  by 
trying  all  makes  of  cars  and  buying  none.  For 
the  benefit  of  all  those  who  intend  on  the  next 
opportunity,  thus  to  pull  the  lop,  and  trade  upon 
the  simplicity  of  the  m;re  Salesman,  we  repro- 
duce the  conversation  which  in  our  case  took 
place  at  the  first  Stand.  As  we  said  all  the 
good  things  ourself,  the  Salesman's  remarks 
may  be  well  omitted.] 

"  I  BUY  a  car?  Good  heavens, 
man !  But  can  you  tell  me  where 
the  Sunhard  Stand  is?  ...  Yes,  I 
know  this  is  the  Arier-Napex  Stand; 
but  can  you  tell  me  .  .  .  ?  I  dare- 
say you  are  right.  Very  likely  the 
Sunhard  Car  is  no  better  than  it 
should  be.  It  may  be  a  disgraceful 
affair  —  a  wheel-barrow  for  all 
know.  I  only  want  to  see  a  friend 
at  that  Stand.  Can  you  .  .  .  ?  Oh, 
well,  if  you  must,  you  may  show  me 
as  many  cars  as  you  like ;  but  you  '11 
only  be  wasting  your  time.  .  .  . 

."  'Supposing  I  was  going  to  buy 
a  car?  '  But  I  am  not;  so  what  is 
the  good  of  supposing?  But  if  I 
were  it  would  probably  be  a  '  Filot. ' 
'.  .  '.  Yes,  I  said  '  Filot,'  and  I  am 
very  pleased  to  see  how  easily  you  're 
amused.  .  .  .  No,  I  don't  think  ] 
should  agree  with  your  criticism  oi 
the  'Filot,'  even  if  I  knew  what  a 
.'  live  axle  '  was  .  .  .  Ah  !  as  dan- 


gerous as  all  that?  .  .  .  Well,  I'll' 
look  if  you  want  me  to,  but  I  am 
sure  it  's  useless,  unless  you  think 
it  will  do  the  car  any  good  to  be 
looked  at.  ...  So  that  's  a  chain- 
drive,  is  it?  ...  I'm  sure  I'm 
very  pleased  to  meet  it.  ...  Ah ! 
as  safe  as  all  that?  .  .  . 

'.'  No.  I  like  the  crease  of  your 
trousering,  and  I  am  sure  you  're^  a 
good  fellow,  but  I  know  you  're 
wrong  there.  I  have  it  on  the  very 
best  authority  that  water-cooled  .  .  . 
Yes,  perhaps  it  does  seem  absurd 
from  that  point  of  view,  but  I  know 
that  water-cooled  ...  Of  course 
your  experience  may  be  larger  than 
mine  .  .  .  Very  well,  I  may  be 
wrong  about  the  '  water,'  but  I  knew 
I  was  right  about  the  '  cooled.' 

"This  car  won  a  gold  medal? 
Well,  there  's  nothing  wonderful 
about  that.  The  marmalade  I  eat 
for  'breakfast  has  won  four.  .  .  . 
What,  the  only  gold  medal?  Surely 
the  Humsley  man  told  me  .  . 
Is  he  really?  He  looked  such  a 
straightforward  sort  of  chap. 

"  Well,  I  may,  but  I  can't  pro- 
mise. I  must  look  round  a  bit  first. 
...  I  simply  must  be  allowed  to 
look  round  first.  I  insist  on  the 
Liberty  of  the  Subject.  .  .  .  Thanks 
very  much,  but  1  couldn't  spare  the 
time  for  a  run  now.  .  .  .  We  busi- 


ness men  .  .  7    Shall  I  get  in  first? 

Which  is  the  soft  pedal?  .  .  .     This 

is  certainly  better  than  my  old  Van- 

;uard ;  but  what  a  noise !  .  .  .     You 

ion't  say  so?    I  thought  it  was  the 

car.  .  .  . 

"  No,  really.  I  never  eat.  Well, 
if  you  insist,  I  might  manage  just 
a  snack.  .  .  .  Without  prejudice, 
the  time  might  come  when  I  mif,flit 
take  a  car  off  you.  .  .  .  Thanks. 
...  I  said  the  '  time  might  come.' 
You  won't  forget  that,  will  you? 
Thanks.  ...  As  n  matter  of  fact, 
I  suppose  the  Arier-Xapex  is  just 
the  vcrv  thing  that  every  man  wants, 
hut  only  a  few  are  lucky  enough  to 
find  out.  .  .  .  Thanks.  .  .  .  Yes, 
when  one  has  got  over  the  initial 
outlay,  the  expense  is  practically 
nil.  I  shouldn't  be  surprised  to  hear 
that  it  actually  puts  money  into  one's 
pocket.  ...  No  more  champagne 
for  me,  thanks.  ...  Yes,  I  think 
I  ought  to  have  a  car  of  some  sort 
...  Ah,  that  is  what  you  say !  .  . 
No,  not  for  me,  thank  you.  Mind 
you,  I  only  said  '/  thought.'  .  . 
Oh,  wall !  Just  a  small  one,  perhaps 
.  ,  .  No,  look  here,  1  can  t  afford 
.  .  .  Really,  1  can't.  ...  No,  my 
dear  fellow.  I  simply  can't.  .  . 
can't  .  .  .  can't.  .  .  .  No,  I  say 
look  here  .  . 

"  How  shall  I  cross  the  cheque? 


PUNCH,   OR  TUB   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


25,  1907. 


Oil  Lady  (hacinj 


OUR    PARISH    WHIST    DRIVE. 

ite  a  dozen  garnet).  "WHAT  DO  TUET  NF.AX,  MY  DEAR,  wilts  TUET  fAY 


THE  FLYING  FRENCHMAN. 
[From  the  "Daily  Miracle"  of  Aug.  17,  1957.] 

THE  Flying  Frenchman  has  again 
been  seen.  This  apparition,  we 
know,  is  scoffed  at  as  taking  the 
place  of  the  sea-serpent,  so  famous 
with  our  forefathers,  and  we  our- 
selves have  not  been  guiltless  of 
making  merry  at  its  expense.  But 
a  telephone  message  received  from 
our  Himalayan  correspondent  early 
this  morning  causes  us  to  regard  the 
Flying  Frenchman  more  seriously. 

I  baye  just  had  a  remarkable  in- 
terview (he  'phones)  with  WILLIAM 
BAILEY,  motor-man  of  the  aeroplane 
Gnat,  which  has  been  cruising  among 
the  mountains  for  a  week  or  two.  He 
declares  emphatically  that  three 
nights  ago  he  saw  the  Flying  French- 
man. "  It  was  about  10  p.m.,"  he 
told  me.  "  I  had  stopped  the  motor 
to  fit  a  fresh  aluminium  feather  in 
<lic  port  wing,  and  we  were  floating 
with  the  breeze  above  Mount  E\ 


The  moon  was  hidden  by  a  mist,  but 
the  night  was  not  perfectly  dark.  On 
looking  up  from  my  work  I  dis- 
cerned the  form  of  one  of  the  earliest 
patterns  of  airships  rapidly  approach- 
ing. In  less  than  a  minute,  in  tin- 
rays  of  our  beak  binnacle,  I  could 
see  distinctly  the  huge  cigar-*! 
gas-bag,  and  beneath  it  the  curious 
old-fashioned  framework  and  plat- 
form bearing  shuttered  machinery 
and  broken  metal,  all  thickly  en- 
crusted with  rust.  On  the  gas-bag 
I  saw  the  letters.  .  A  .  .  TRI.  . 

I  had  often  heard  from  other«fliers 
of  the  Flying  Frenchman,  but  I  had 
called  it  an  old  wives'  tale.  I  shall 
call  it  that  no  more,  for  with  'ny 
own  eyes  I  have  seen  the  ghostly 
thing.  Its  propellers  were  still,  no 
sign  of  life  was  aframe  it,  yet  it  shot 
by  on  our  starboard  wing  at  sonic 
thirty  miles  an  hour,  against  (he 
uin<I.  As  it  passed  au  icy  chill 
came  over  me  and  paralysed  my 
tongue.  These  nre  the  first  w 


have  spoUen   sin  A   comment 

upon    \Vll.I.I\M    Ji.MI.M  ' 

plied  by  an  old   nuin  in  our  employ 
as  a  commissionaire,  who  informs  us 
that    he   recollects   quite    clearly    that 
many    years    av,    when    he    v. 
small   boy,    a   l-'reneh   airship   named 

:tric  broke  loose  from  its  i 
ings  and  flew  away;  and  lifter  \i,-mg 

in    Ireland 

and  in  Scotland  disappeared  into  the 
clouds. 

\Ve   givo    the   story    for   what    it    is 
worth.       In    our    6.30    edition     will 
appear  coloured  pictures  of  \Vn.i. JAM 
BMU.Y.    tlie    (inn!,    and   the   appari- 
tion,   all    from    hi.  -Aired    this 
morning    by     a     native     Himalayan 
artist.     On  going  to  pr>-rs  \\< 
that    the    intrepid    young    traveller, 
Mr.  \ViLL  M.   LooKVou  -a  grni 
we  believe    of  a  famous  e 
the  early  years  of  the  |  -  ntury 
— is  fitting  out  an  expedition  to  try  to 
once  for  all  •                      of  the 
in. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIYAKI.     Dram  86,  1807. 


ALIEN    CHEEB. 

JOHN  Buu,  (dolefully).  "0  THE  BOAST  BEEF  OF  OLD   ENGLAND!" 


DECEMBER  25,  1007.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAIIIVAPJ. 


•K.3 


BEATEN    OUT   OF   THE    FIELD. 

TOTAL  ECLIPBB  or  MAES  BT  VFNCS,  AS  BEEN  NEAR  WELLIN  vrov  CABBAGES,  DEC.  1907. 


THE 

[It  is  reporled  that  GEOBOE  WASHINGTON,  in  his  later 

IF  there  ever  was  a  name 

Of  unpalatable  fame 
To  the  legions  of  our  Anglo-Saxon  youth, 

'Tis  of  him  that  rose  to  glory 

As  the  hero  of  the  story 
Of  the  Little  Boy  that  always  told  the  Truth. 

It  is  said  that  when  his  sire 

In  a  fit  of  petty  ire 

Had  accused  the  lad  of  whittling  at  a  tree 
.That  was  damaged  in  his  orchard 

(Tho'  a  very  simple  scorcher  'd 
Have  instinctively  occurred  to  you  and  me) 

He  did  not  inform  his  dad 

That  he  hadn't  (when  he  had), 
But  he  owned  the  soft  impeachment  with  a  sigh, 

And  explaiped  his  indiscretion — 

Not  the  act,  hut  the  confession — 
By  the  statement  that  he  "  couldn't  tell  a  lie." 

And  that  tale  hns  been  imprest 

On  the  baby  at  the  breast, 
It  has  been  a  source  of  trouble  to  the  weans ; 

We  were  taught  it  by  our  pastors 

And  our  governors  and  masters 
And  our  parents  from  our  teething  to  our  teens. 


TRUTH. 

years,  \vas  prosecuted  for  making  a  LUse  proj-crty  return.] 
It  has  never  once  occurred 
That  we  only  had  his  word 
For  the  statement;  and,  to  give  the  boy  his  due, 
He  had  never  said  he  wouldn't 
If  he  could,  but  that  he  couldn't, 
Which  was  nothing  much,  assuming  it  were  true; 

But  they  diligently  cracked 

Up  that  Specialist  in  Fact, 
And  laboriously  rammed  him  down  the  gorge, 

Till  we  really  felt  a  bias 

For  the  human  ANANIAS, 
As  a  foil  to  the  insufferable  GEORGE. 

But  the  stuffing  's  knocked  at  last 

From  that  phantom  of  the  past , 
And  a  sweet  and  l>lrsM-d  thing  it  is  to  1 

That  that  holy  little  terror 

Was  convicted  of  an  error 
(By  the  Jury)  in  his  property  return ! 

And  the  teacher  of  the  child 

Will  in  future  draw  it  mild, 
For  we  know  that  if  the  lad  did  mil  deny 

His  offence  by  saying,  "  No,  Pa!  ' 

It  was  probably  a  faux  pas, 
And  the  statement  that  he  couldn't  was  a  lie. 

Dun-Don. 


464 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


2.r>,  1907. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 
(By  Mr.  Punch'*  Staff  of  Learned  Clerki.) 

MRS.  HrMi-iiur.Y  \\'AKD  has  achieved  the  distinction 
of  writing  a  tiresome  hook.  To  bo  precise,  she  has  de 
hherately  resived  a  saddening  memory  since  Milly  ami 
<>llij  il-isiuK  I'swiiO  was  first  published  in  1S81.  "  A 
Story  for  Children  "  it  is  called,  and  \vas  originally  de- 
signed for  tin-  edification  of  the  family  circle  of  Fox 
How.  As  Mr.  HAKKIK  witnesses,  there  is  nothir.. 
delightful  than  a  good  book  about  children.  Tin-re 
are  few  things  more  difficult  to  write.  Milly  and 
Oily  is — one  can't  say  are—chiefly  made  up  of 
the  pert  prattle  of  children.  It  is  of  the  kind  an  artful 
nursemaid  might  retail  for  the  admiration  of  a  fond 
mother,  the  mother  in  turn  repenting  the  masterpieces 
to  the  fatuous  father  home  from  his  day's  work.  Hoping 
for  the  best,  I  honestly  read  the  book  through,  and  came 
upon  nothing  better  than  this: — '  '  Why  don't  we 
always  get  up  at  five  o'clock,  father?'  asked  OLLY. 
'  Isn't  it  nice  and 
funny?"  '  Verv.'  said 
Mr.  "NOKTOX.  '"  Still,  I 
imagine,  OLLY,  if  you 
had  to  get  up  every  day 
at  five  o'clock  you 
might  think  it  funny, 
but  I'm  sure  you 
wouldn't  always  think 
it  nice.'  'Oh!  I 'in 
sure  we  should,'  said 
OLLY  seriously.'  "  And 
so  on  through  pages. 

Valerie  Upton  (< 
STABLE),  by  ANNE 
DOUGLAS  SEDGWICK,  is 
a  remarkable  study  of 
the  clash  of  tempera- 
ments. There  is  little 
action  beyond  that 
which  goes  to  the 
formation  of  character. 
These  developments  arc 
natural  for  the  most 
part,  but  it  is  difficult  to  believe  that  the  odiously 
self-righteous  Imogen  (who  reminds  one  of  the 
heroine  of  The  Helpmate,  that  brilliant  novel  against 
which  Lady  ROBERT  CECIL  has  lately  directed  a 
rather  unwarrantable  and  disingenuous  attack)  could 
ever  actually  have  displaced  her  delightful  mother  in 
the  affections  of  a  man  so  mature  and  of  so  fixed  a  habit 
of  life  as  Sir  Basil.  On  the  other  hand,  the  shifting  of 
the  younger  man's  devotion  in  what  Mr.  HENRY  JAMES 
would  call  "  an  opposite  sense,"  from  daughter  to 
mother,  is  clearly  inevitable.  The  author  of  Valerie 
Upton  has  high  literary  gifts  and  a  very  nice  perception 
of  differences  in  character,  both  individual  and  national. 
I  sincerely  commend  her  book  to  readers  who  care  for 
the  finer  kind  of  work  that  can  well  afford  to  be 
independent  of  sensational  attractions. 

Outrageous  Fortune,  by  "  BAK  "  (HEINEMAXN),  ought 
to  have  a  big  question-mark  after  the  title.  It  presents 
a  pretty  problem  for  the  "  Love  and  Courtship  "  page 
of  a  ladies'  journal.  Thus:  A.  is  a  widow,  rather 
extravagant :  she  is  engaged  to  B.f  who  is  also  her 
executor  nnd  guardian:  she  gets  into  diM)t  and  doesn't 
tell  him,  but  refuses  to  marry  C.,  a  highly  eligible 


LIFE'S  LITTLE  ANOMALIES. 


WlIT  IS  IT  Til  AT  A  PERFORMANCE 
Of  THIS  KINP,  SEEN  ON  A  MC8IO-BALL 
WAGE,  SEEMS  TOO  TEIVIAL  TO  HAKE 

AST  REHAB;  os — 


millionaire   (from   whom   she  l>orro\\s   •  H.   finds 

out  and  jilts  her.     Then  she  inherits  a  fortui 
to    help    her.      Can    she    elaim    damages    ( fc  t 
sympathy),  or  i     •         'l     .    iee,   if   /•.'/<  IIIHT   lA.)  had  only 
d   Mr.   Il,irdtiuj  (('.).  who  hud  a  h  -'.ell  ns 

u    purse,     of     the     fashionable     metal,     she    could     have 
snapped    her    lingers    nt    Mii]:'r   Martinur    iH.i.    who,    by 
tin-   way,   is  a  liit   of  a  flirt   himself.     The  sti>r\    •: 
move    \ery    far    from    Hoiid    Street,    hut    the    heroine's 

•  tiolial  struggle   is  well   sustained,   and   "   H\h 

us  going   forward    without   time    for   bn  athing   until   the 
irs. 

l'.\eryoiie  whose  interest  in  1'aris  extends  be\ond  the 
Boulevards  and  the  restaurants  and  the  Champs  Kl\s,-es 
knows   that   wonderful   museum   in   the   house   that    onee 
\\.-is   Madame  de   Seville's-    the   Carnavek-t-  a  tt- 
of    Parisian    history,    where    the   whole    pageant   may    In- 
followed    in    picture    and    relic.       The    director 
GEORGE   CAIN,    and    M.    (IF.OKC.K  TAIN    naturally    knows 
more  about  old  Paris  and  loves  it   with   a  deeper  love 

than    any     living    man. 
of     this     tender- 
and     affeetioii     he 
puts  from  time  to  time 
into    a    book,    and 
another  of  th- 

offered       t"        I  1  i  S  ll 

:s    under    the    title 
and    Conttrs    of 
Old    i 

Hli  IIMtnst,  with  all  its 
myriad  illustrations.  If 
only  it  Wei.  |*.  •.-!., -table 
it  would  be  the 

sting  companion 
imaginable  as  one  ex- 
plores this  ancient 
faubourg  and  that ;  hut 
alas,  like  Huns  linit- 
matin's  partner  at  the 
harty,  it  weighs  " 
dree  hondred  pound," 
and  would  need  u  taxi- 
meter cab  to  carry  it. 
Yet  why  not  employ  a 
taximeter  in  this  way?  Not  the  least  attractive  part 
of  the  book  is  the  charming  Introduction  by  VK MKIKN 
SARDOL',  who  seems  to  know  Paris  very  much  ns  Mr. 
Samuel  Wcllcr  knew  London. 


WHILE  A  PIMPLE  LITTLE  FEAT  LIKE 
THIS,  DONE  BT  YOURSELF.  AT  IIOME, 
SEEMS  QUITE  CREDITABLE? 


I    used    to  think    that    that    school    had    aehi. 
record   in  nicknomenclature  which   evolved   Nails   from 
Anthony.      Anthony — Tony — Toenails — Nails    were    the 
steps      But  Mr.  DESMOND  COKE  has  a  good  man 
names  quite  as  ingenious  in  his  book  Tin-  //< 
iHKNRY   I'Kowm:  and   HonnER  AND   SrorniiToN I.      I'.iere 
ton— Brer— Brer  Rabbit— Rabbit— Bunny  is  one.     This 
true  presentment  of  a  small  part  of  that  great  penading 
irresponsibility   which   is  the   yeast  of  schoolboy   life,   is 
one  of  several  things  that   make  the  lxx>k   interesting. 
But  apart  from  such  subtleties — whose  anahsis  is  rather 
for  Old  Boys  than  present  ones — there  is  a  good  story 
which   will   be   just   the   thing   to   ensure    a   few    <pii«-t 
hours  during  the  holidays.     And  in  the  following  term 
schoolmasters  will  ha\  tie  ir  eyes  open. 

A  thin  paper  edition  of  The  1Vc»lcotet,  by  Mr. 
Qm.i.Kii  Coi<  u,  is  being  advertised.  What  we  rather 
want  just  now  is  ttii^h  \Vesteoti-a. 


DECEMBER  25,  1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


M6 


WHEN  the  fine  morning  came  at  last,  MR.  Pcxcii  whistled  to  TonT,  and  set  forth  to  view  his  kingdom.    Much  of  it 
was  under  water  ;  but,  keeping  as  far  as  possible  to  the  dry  portions,  the  Sage  walked  along  briskly,  and  as  he 
walked  his  thoughts  wandered  over  the  events  of  the  past  half-year. 

"  And  what  strikes  me  most,"  he  said  to  TORY,  "  is  the  number  of  anomalies  which  have  revealed  themselves 
to  the  student  of  affairs." 

TOBY,  doubtful  of  the  meaning  of  the  word  "anomalies,"  barked  a  query. 

"For  instance,"  explained  MR.  PUNCH,  "cattle-driving,  which  must  from  all  accounts  l>e  a  delightful  : 
(apparently)  legal  in  Ireland  ;  and  yet  the  Englishman,  the  Welshman,  and  the  Scotsman  have  this  recreation  abs 
denied  to  them.    The  Suffragist,  taking  occasion  by  the  hand,  explains  (doubtless  with  warrant)  that  she  is  not  subject 
the  man-made  laws  of  a  man-made  magistrate ;  yet,  when  burglars  break  into  her  house,  she  will  not  hesitate  to  c 
man-made  policeman.    Nay,  she  will  even  supplicate  his  stalwart  arm  to  enable  her  to  cross  the  road  saMv. 
again,  talks  with  eloquence  of  the  rights  of  the  working  man  ;  but  for  some  reason  appears  to  make  a  distir  -tweoi 

the  man  who  works  with  his  hands  and  the  man  who  works  with  his  brain.    1  he  latter  is  allowed  no  gri          e.  ^  K 
never,  for  instance,  hear  a  Socialist  stand  up  for  the  Editor  of  The  Times  against  that  bloated  capitalist  the  ] 

The  bitterness  of  this  last  reBection  filled  the  Sage's  mind  for  a  while.    TOBY,  too,  seemed  affected  by  the  s 

"Yes,"  said  MR.  PUNCH  at  last,  "what  we  want  is^men  who  can  see  life  steadily  and  see  it  whc 
think  clearly,  who  look  onwards  and  upwards  toward— 

At  this  moment,  as  if  in  answer  to  the  Sage's  wish,  two  men  appeared     One  of  them,  if  not  looking 
certainly  looking  upwards;  he  seemed,  indeed,  as  if  he  could  not  look  anywhere  else. 


to 


b- 


The  Thmhr 

great  effort,  brought  his  head  down  to  the  ordinary  level.     They  both  looked  at  Mn.  1 

"  The  very  man,"  they  said  together.     "  He  shall  decide."  ,      „ 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  MR.  PUNCH,  with  a  bow,  "  I  am  very  much  at  your  ser.ce.    \\  hat  luu  e  I  e  7 


.  -Mi 


at  work  in  your  study  upon  problems  which  may  change  profoundly  the  whole  current 


4GC 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CH.MMVARI. 


•o  the  ot!  •  •.  i  doubt  a  statesman.     With  your  hand   upon   tin1   helm  you  will  guide  tl.  1   barque  into 

safe  u  -phy  and  .-  -hip 

i  the  Thinker,  haughtily.  "  1  am  the  All  Kngland  Limerick  I'liamp-mi." 
"  1,    ,-nd  the  Watcher  disdainfully,  "am  the  Worl 

!  to  hide  his  ci>nfu-ioii. 

"  I  IT-.-.     Tony,  we  had  U-tter  go  home." 

"1    il'-n't    want    t->    1.  li.e    \\   it. -her,    "but    f.icN   an-    fa.  t.-.        I    have   caught    it   o\i-l    ti-u    thousand    times 

consrcutheK .    A- a  t-  it  of  endurance  akra 

"Talking  almut  idiuanee.  what   alvoiit   these?     'He  was  green,  but  he   ti«ik  it  as  read.'      lied,  the  colour, 

you  know.     N  >-v  tint  line  will  I.  :  "t,  which  is  much   the  simple-!  way.  you   have  nine  feet  of 

endurai ..-.-.      Kather  good  joke  that     eh?     1  shouldn't  wonder  if  >••  :(  in  my  i 

"I  !  •  liundred  times  in  the  minute,"  said  the  Watcher. 

"I    have  earned   one   hundred    jHiunds   in   a   minut  •,"   said    the   other   triumpliantly.       "And,   after   all,    nun 
the  tl. 

1  play  in 

"  Well.  I  simply  think  in  rhyme  u  iw.  when  I'm  d-ing  a  la-t  line.      Rhyme,  line     why.  '.here's  another  one." 

"  I  can  do  it  with  one  hand,     .-aid  the  Watcher. 

'•  I  iilimi/.t  do  it  with  one  hand,"  said  the  Thinker  with  a  grin. 

think  that  's  funny 
:  course  you  couldn't  !»• 

gentlemen,"  said  Mlt.  l'i    ' n.  "  pl.-a-e  remember  that  7  am  the  aibitta; 

"  Well  ?  " 

"  Well,"  said   tip  .limi-ly,  "  there  is  an  id  hieh  we  all  strive  to  reach     Veil*  MIM  in  epTDMtt  MM,' 

but  if  we  cannot  have  Kith  it  is  something  to  have  one.     Now,  1   think   that  even  thi-  gentleman's   game  might  tend   to 
produce  the  corpus  sanum  so  much  to  be  desired;   and  no  doubt,  in  the  other  gentleman  may   I*  observed 

traces  of  that  ment  sann  without  which — 

"It's  menu  itixnii'i,"  said  the  Watcher,  who  knew  that  much  I-atin. 

The  Thinker  started  angrily.     Mil.  VIM  II  hastily  intervened. 

•  'ne  moment,"  he  said.     "1  was  alwut  to  add  that  if  you  both  wished   f.<r  that  healthy  mind  which  of  itself 
Create-  a  healthy  Ixuly 

"  I  do,"  said  the  Watcher  eagerly.     "  You  know,  I  read  more  than  that  chap  thinks.     1  '\e  finished  MAI:,  n'-  lift- 
to  flay  Diabolo,  and  — 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,"  said   the  Thinker,  "since  I  took  to  filling  in  postal  orders  my  right  wrist  has  developed  a 
suppleness  inferior  only  to  that  of  EUirjrranHJl'fl." 

"  K\cellent."  said  MIL  I'l  M  u.      "1  have  the  very  thing  for  you  both."     And  without  more  ado  he  presented  to  the 
rivals,  thus  reconciling  their  differences,  a  splendid  gift  in  common.     It  was  no  other  than  his 


xtnbreb  anir  Cbirtn-Ohb 

O  w 


DECEMBER   25,    1907.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


407 


Cartoons. 


SAMBOUONE,  E.  LISLEY 

Against  Time   101 

Alien    Cheer      461 

Baffled      191 

Casus    Bell-i      227 

Coquette   (The)    25 

Depression  in  the  City   389 

Desperate    Remedies     443 

••  For  'tis  their  Nature  to        29 
Harmless  Necessary  Cat    . .  2< 

"His   Master's   Voice"    1' 

Irresponsible  (The)   H 

letting    111    Alone 407 

Lloyd-George  and  his  Dragon  28 

Lloyd   the   Lubricator Sj 

Mischief-Monger   (The)    ....  263 


,  E.  LlNLEY 
New  Guy  Fawkes  Plot  (The)  317 

New  Penny  (The) 209 

Quite  at   Home 335 

Self -Treatment    Preferred..    11 
Signal   Indiscretion   (A)....  871 

Spoilt  Pet  (A) .    65 

Stationary    Crusader    (The)  425 

Touch  of  the  Sun  (A) 47 

Who's  Afraid?   83 

PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD 

Between  Two  Stools ! 

Captured     

Design  for  a  "  Recognition 
Scene    273 


PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD 

Divil  of  a  Game  (A) 

Embarrassing  Champion 
Escaped  "Captive"  (The) 
"  Fiery   Cross  "   (The)  — 
"  Filling  up  the  Cup  " 
Hague    Minstrels   (The) 
House  of  Peace  (The) 

Implacahlei    (TheV 

Janus  Fountain  (The) 

Julius    Censor I 

Merrie  England  once  More!  345 

New  Altruism  (The) 255 

Old  Reprobate  (The) 381 

On  the  Public's  Service 21 

Out  of  the  Bill   453 


219 
137 
417 
237 
111 
291 

363 


Articles. 


BERNARD,  II.  D'O. 

First  Aid  to  the  Hospitable  268 
BOOTH,  J.  I,.  C. 

Cosmopolitan  Contralto     ..  41 

Subtle  Sense  (The) 395 

BRETHERTON,  C.  II. 

Airs  of  an  Exile    .  .188,  200,  454 
BtiiNET,  W.  HODGSON 

Boy— What     will     he     Be- 
come?         16 

Carmelite    History    of    the 
World    338 

Contributor's  Guide  (The)..  141 

Fog     Fancies    387 

From    the   Scientific   Scrap- 
Heap  415 

Latent   Choice   Blend   (The)  208 

Our-    Elysian    Limericks 182 

CAINE,  W. 

English  Spoken   204 

CAMPBELL,  A.  J. 

Winsed   Words    837 

CAMPBELL,  GERALD 

Our  Booking-Office  36,  54,  72, 
90.  108,  144,  180,  198,  216,  252, 
288,  306,  342,  414 

CARRICK,  HARTLEY 
Contributory  Negligence   . .  149 

New   Cure  (The) 248 

O  Tempera   189 

Trail  of  the  Serpent  (The) . .  218 

COMPTON,  A.  C. 

Child's     Gardening     Alpha- 
bet  (The)    9 

CoURLAVDEB,   A. 
Holiday    Souvenir    Bureau, 
Ltd 114 

CEESWEI.L,  BULKF.I.EV 

Simple  Life  (The) 181 

Tteer!  Tiger!   193 

DARK,  RICHARD 
Blue  Baby  (The) 24 

I)F.  HAMEL,  H.  O 

Is   Chivalry    Declining?....     7' 


DRINKWATER,  JOHN 

More  Literary  Help 133 

ECKERSLEY,   A. 

Another  Hard  Case 142 

Patriotism  of  Puddlebury..     71 
ELIAS,  FRANK 
"  And     waved     her     Silly 

Hand"     142 

Literary    Enterprise    s 

Ships  that  (Sur)  pass 206 

Short    Cut    to    Journalistic 

Success    241 

EMANUEL,  WALTER 

Charivaria.  6,  27,  44.  60.  73,  91. 
109,  127,  150,  163.  197,  214.  226. 
235,  258,  271,  289.  307,  325.  348, 
366.  386,  412,  428.  448,  451 

Our  Booking-Offlce 144 

GARVEY,  ISA 

Blanche's    Letters    6.    105,    114, 

176,  240,  301.  402,  456 
Rural  England    1< 

GOLDSTEIN,  A.  S. 
Vae  Evictis ,,    ,149 

G  EAVES,  C.   L.   AND   LfCAS,    E.    V. 
Animal  Helpers  ......  168 

Are     our     Heads     Growing 

Bigger?    250 

B  A    at  Work   (The)   . .  340,  348 

Better  Way   (The) 359 

Browne  Study  (A) 221 

Buckeyed   View   (The) 1! 

Bush's  Grievance   '..  lj 

Cheap  Books    43! 

Christmas  Books    425 

Clothes  and  Classes. .......    89 

Curtailed     Doggerel     a     la 

Mode       ••     ;•  U 

Deportment       for       Music 

Lovers     *•* 

Dickens    Lovers    (The) 24 

Distinguished  Converts  ....  2/8 
"Do   you    know    B.? ". 
Educational    Upholstery 
Eternal  Verities  of  Cricket  140 
Extracts  from  a   Prodigy  s 
Diary    212 


GRAVES,  C.  L.  AND  LUCAS,  E.  V. 

False  Pirate  (The) 70 

Fight  against  Socialism   ...  960 
Fresh       Work       for       the 

Frontiersmen    150 

Great   Golf-Ball   Question..    98 
Great      Sea-Dog      on      our 

greatest  Novelist  (AJ....  129 
Handicaps  of  Genius  (The)  69 
Highways  and  Byways  in 

Cpshire     42,  60.  78.  96 

Hints  on  Diet,  etc I 

How  I  Invented  Crlckette.    261 
How  the  Anglo-Italian  War 

Began      1] 

How  to  Live  to  200 897 

Illustrious   Golfers    •••••••     888 

In  a  New  Neighbourhood  5.24 

J.    H.    8 188 

letters  to  Aubrey Jj 

Literary  Notes    809 

love  and  Mr.  la  Queux...    41 

I.ym      891 

Ministerial  Minstrels       ...      If 
Musical  Notes.. 106,  187,  278.  361 


I'AI!TIIII«;K.  BERNARD 
"  Parting     U     inch     Sweet 

Sorrow  "  "I 

Reaping  the   Benefit IM 

Slack  Time   (A  5 

Soap  -  and  -  Water     Cure 

(The)    309 

"  Verray        parflt        Nobel 

Knight "    (A)    43.1 

lUWLN  Hi!  I  ,    I/. 

Good  Riddance   1R 

Great  Wall  of  Australia    .  147 

Object   Lesion    (An)     19 

Spare-room  Guest  (The)     . .  16. 
Triple   Alliance   (A) 20 


GRAVES,  C.  L.  AND  LCCAS,  1C.  V. 
Winston  Day  by  Day    .  373.  428 
WUe,    Witty,    and    Tender 

Sayings  of  the   Week         SI 
With  Teddy  in  Tennessee      31 

GDEENDASE  PF.I:CV 
Startling   Headline   (A)....  445 

GlTHRIE,   A.SMI.Y 

Courage  of  his  Clothe*     . .    9 

Final    Flicker   (A) 17 

From  the  Diary  of  an  "  Abie- 
Bodied  Shareholder "  31 


My  Christmas  Dinner 

New   Battle  of   Limericki.     868 

New   Burglary   (The)  ......    t 

New    Culture    (The)  ........    SO 

New  Names  for  Old  ........  461 

On    the    loose  .....  iii"jii*J? 

Our  Booking-Offlce  234,  378,  414, 

432.  464 
Python's      Meals    ..........  884 

Question  and  Answer  from 

Abroad    ...............  ••• 

Reputations  of  the  Session  22 
Sarah's   Example    ..........  JJ 


••  Teddy  "  and  the  Crowned 
Heads    ....................  <« 

Things    Seen    ...  ...........  «« 

To  Protect  Employers   ....  107 

To  Revive  the  Grand  Man- 
ner    ......................  15 

"  T    P  's  "   Future  ..........  •"w 

Two  Desperadoes  (The)  136.  M 
Voyages  of  Discovery  .....  .43 


How  to  make  Poetry  Pay 
Old  Parish  Clerk  (in)  . . 
Outside  Opinions 

the    Pygmies 


404 


13 
14 


Petting    _.    

Private     Reflections     of 

Pageant  KloklThe)  34 

Sermon  of  the  Future  iThe)27 
Sibylline  Squirrels    .          . .  4S4 
Society    Motor-Doc    (A)         94 
"Something  with  Colour  In 

It" 

BOMB,  ALICE 

Fireworks      41 

Week's   Anecdotage   (The)..  186 

IU-GIIE8,  C.  E. 

Our   Booking  Office    36.    M.    72. 
108.  196.  288.  306.  342.  360,  378. 
396,  432.  450.  464 
UiTCiiixsoN,  A.  S  M. 

Boycott  of  the  Billy  Season  1S2 

High  Tone  In  1910  44 

JENKINS,  ERNEST 

At  Olympla  ....   j 

Concrete  Examples  si 

Facti  for   Everyone 

Flying   Frenchman    (The)  .  460 

Inexpensive    Gifts 

Marked   Crab    (The)   .......  295 

Onr    "  L«*t    Novel       Com- 

Bvaa  Royai  Corretpondenei  899 

What  Is  Milk? g 

Why  the   KalKr  Came....  *™ 


108 


1TNCH,   oil   TUB   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


1907. 


Articles — continued. 


Brigandage  from  a  Business) 

..   12S 
I'. 

••n  (or  1907-8  Ui 
46 
. 

•  Time  by  the  Bea. .      SOS 

m 

on  -ma- 

r  A    vi 

To   the   First    (.'ai.li 

Truth    (Thel  463 

Weather  Intelligence  .     6S 

KELLJCTT.  1 
Soribendi    Cacoelhes    96 

Kxux. 
Berried  Thorn  (Tbri  «: 

Kir.t    1'riir  SM 

Hymn  to  a  Hack  ^357 

Joke    (The)  . .  190 

Narrowing   Yean   (The)          4-'! 
CM*  to  a   Misanthrope  118 

Oar    Bookl  iic-0fflc«    36. 

90.  198.  16.!.   180.  216.  270,  286. 

324.  341.  396.  414.  464 

Perpetual  "  Tumbler  "  (The)  208 

The)  1S3 

Bout  ot  the  Engluh  Row      261 

Beamy  Ride  n(  A  ready  (The)  1S2 

Time    The    Consoler 21S 

Well-wa<hed    Isle    (A) ...  1 

Your  Daily   Health  343 

LAXGLET,  F.  O. 

noiure  (The)    .  3S6 


Enthusiasm    of    Phyllis          13S 

Impostor  (The)    814 

In    Cupid'n   Corner    78 

l.ate    Janet    (Thei 

Motor  and  the  Man  (The)      469 

Pedant   (A)    838 

Lnnuxx.  R.  0. 

Bant !    874 

Bowl   (The)    .  .276 
Elf-King- s  Christmas  Tree      458 

Olore  (The)  .  208 

Greeting    (A)     .  441 

Hornpipe  (The)  424 

League  (The)  164 

Lease  (The)  ..  236 

I/eaves   (The)    .  > 

Life  and  Joy  296 

Magistrate's  Tripos  (The)  .  182 

May   i-nd    December  406 

Oar     Booklng-Office  234.    270. 
842.  336 


I. HIM  . 

Plea  for  the  Censor  <A>  350 

Kol.i  I 

•«IIH-II   I  luive  Kn..«n  8.  'J6. 

88,  66.  KO.    • 

Tangle    '  The)  3M 

Wbltecross    Vale  312 

A.   A. 
Hii>'  .1  Reader* 

:!     \V 

Essence  of    Parliament     13.   31. 
I  i.  67.  Si.  103.  ) 

Our    Booking-office     18.    3«.    64. 
126.  19«.  270,  288.  306. 
860.  378. 

MACKEXZIE,  A  '  '• 

Needles  and  Nerves  811 

MAXX,  Mi  «  K 

New  Art  (Thn  .  83 

MABTI.V.  X.  U. 

Football    Prospects  17* 

Football  Strike  of  1908  3SS 

Pageant    Problems  < '. 

Revolution    of    1908    (The)   .     96 

Shortness  of  Money 

Wisdom  while  you  Eat  314 

MEXZIE8,  U.  K 

Beneficent   Might  .     10 


Domestic     Dignity  352 

Holiday    Engagement*  283 

Hypnotic   Eye    (The)  14:» 

In  praise  of  Fog  4:11 

l-es  Malades   Imaginaires  388 
M  i1  s  Hii«i..iini    The) 
Needles  and  Nerves 

New  Aids  to  Beauty.:  280 

Parental  Pedagogy   370 

Poet  at  Home  (The) 59 

Prince     Charming              .    .  338 

Recording    Angel    (The)   ...  88 

Retrenchment                         .  295 

Wanted— Protection      420 

MIALL,  DEBWEST 

Bond  Street   Mystery   (A)  343 
Fed   Up 

James  Smijth's  Present 876 

MILXE,  A.  A. 

Advertising  as  a  Fine  Art  253 

Attila.    My    Attlla  Ire, 

Awkward  Case   (An)  1:1 

Bachelor   Days  16 

Bruce  161 

Cleggii>lator     (The)     308 

Commentators    (The)  440 

Diabollst    (The)    232,  966 


' 

Notes 

•HI.--.1  of   T)iinic«     The)  1"J 
•ptgrams    with    Ti-ars     : 

-.-i 

il    Test    (The)  M 

•Irm.-ll    of     tV:ince  430 

i. MI-    liame    .  I  he)  »4 

Great    Chess    Match 

it    Clapham   Mystery      .  4lu 
Henry's   Idea    ... 
How   to   Pliiv  the   Piaim' 
Ijijt   Line   (Thel  79 

Little  (iame  of  Croquet     Ai    62 
1-onl  of  Conventlov  16 

.tm    (Thel 

Mr.   Punch's  Ijtst   Lines 
Musical    Comedy    I  A)  330 

Our  -i.     1M. 

162.  1KO.  252.  270.  308. 

356.  4<: 

"81ns  of  flociety"   (The)       199 
Mir  in  1 1,  K    W. 
Secrets  of  I/ong  Driving  19 

R. 

Mndame  la  Patronno          ..188 
I'oi  K,  JEaeiE 

Cherries   nre    In  80 

Last   Wasp    (T)  . 
Limerick    Oorrwpon'l 
Millinery  Manoeuvres 

r-    Tub  409 

Houl  nl  a.  ^ 
When    Cissie   Swims  117 

gt  IRK.  .1.  1 1 

Multum    in    Parv-i  311 

IlAM'H  I  .    \Vll  MM' 

Our   Living  Serial  2.30 

MILL.  I.. 

Our    Booking-Office 
RlTTENBEBG.    ' 

News  from  Socialist  Circles  837 
ROPES,  A.  R. 

Hebrew  Melodic*    .  74 

ROWAN,  HILL 

La   Haute   Fine--  390 

Overseas     Edition* 

"  Smart  "  Pet   (The)  .402 

k>,  I  IWEN 

Aida  in  Egypt     804 

America  in  London  . .     84 

As  Everybody    Liken   It      ..286 

Caruso  among  the   Poets  .     88 


Si  «v>v.  0« 
Detachment     of     Pienderhy 

.      •».  74 
Detention 

nl     M 

m 

160 

70 
Mr     lUlilat.e    "  tnlks    thru' 

!_.'. 

I'l.i  J     and     I 

X» 

\ 

Session       Ends:       Hummer 

,-ins  1K« 

M 

"  Thou  hast  thy  muntr  too  "  288 
To     a      Friend,     about 

Marry     II.  .r 

To  an  Amalgamated  Porter  808 
To    a   Toa*t-MaM<r  418 

.-Ill-Hi-  110 

VeniiR,     shot      in      : 
Tracks  20 

SEKIOB.  W. 

i>    on    Tour 
•n 

Hurif'ary  in  two  Vr 

264 

B 

.'IV-A 

'. .   A. 
Il-iii  i.  "I 

• 

II.. I'.-    I-..-   the    11  -I-!.  -- 
"Not  at  Home  .  Ml 

Our   Booking-Office  n* 

PI.  mtoni    '•'    i  • '  <-: 

Warning  '       304 

Tll"Mi 

Marine  Insurance  Notes        142 

I  nniiili-v  207 

Our  Office 

To  a  German  Band 
WEBB.  I 
Waits  that   will   not  wait      401 

r  (.. 

London    Street    Noise*    S3 


Pictures  and  Sketches. 


Amor*,  (i.  DEMIOLM  ...  7,  S3,  51.  SO,  77,  105,   MOBROW.  • 


_C 


117, 141,  1.1.1,  ll!7,  I'JO,  S)3.  229,  5>I7. 

283, 301, 311. 337,  355,  3C5,  387,  409,  427, 

445,  459 

BATEMA*.  A.  M ins 

BACHEB,  LIWIS  ...  5.  C3,  81,  145,  185,  208,  225, 

239.  259.  297,  315.  : 
BOOTH,  .1   I    >  1.71.73.  100,109,131. 

142,  171,  1. si.  I'll.  1' 1(1.  LM.'t.  L'70,  L'7^',  L".M-,, 

319,  391,  397.  415,  430.  1 
Boro.  A  101 ,250,  271,.".. 

I!«..i.  H  M.    87,179,233,287 

BCLL.  RexE  379,433 

BctOEW.  I'll  LIP  L  1-1 

CLEATEB,  REGINALD 383 

CBOMBIE,  CIIARLE.X  ....  329,373,439 

HAIBIROV,  CIUBIXH   ."0,252 

HABELOO.  W  K         Ifi,  34,  70,  88,  160,  186, 

208,  286,  304,  362,  398 

HOMMO*,  RALPH  

Hooo,  Amir* 

HULLIOAT,  K.    

IL'.I.  i.v.i.  i; 

207 
I^wm.  K 

LC»T.  WIUIOT...17.  ll». 

340 

MA<  KEWAX.  ABTIIVB 

.  ]• 

I 

i,  305. 

HI 


108,  IL'C,   H'7.  If 
217,  2L'l'.  :'• 

m 


8,   ()«!•..  \v,u 

lf,>.  I:M;.  1:17.  i;i;i,   I'ABTEIDOE,  BEBSABD   ...  .466 

1    ""•   rATTEB80!i,  MALCOLM 

PATNF,  i;   M  \:,-> 

VKIIS.-N  L'32,288 

PKOIMV  43 

Mm.  I,  K    IIKI.  IIS, 

I'-'f..  -Ml  '.370, 

-.  KHi,  ILM.  ; 

E  r       i.-..  1 1  f.7.  r.-i. 

-fi.  I"::,  mi.  li'l.  li'iv  i. ••.!!.  1 10 

303,  3lM  111,  l;".i.  117.  1-7 

140    .  •'.7.-113 

.  iiKK,  HARNI 

SAiin.ii  i  M,  i:    I.IM  i  i  ! 

. 
SHEJ'II 

i  ;•.."] 

Tnni  i  ,  l.M 

:    II         15,  :•:,.  il.f.l.  7n.  :i:.,  11. 'i. 

. 

WlHIl,    i 

WEIBP,  H.  JANI-F.K    

WlllTI.H-A.i.  til' 

WILLIAM*.  K.  A 


AP 

101 

F6 

1907 


PUNCH