Full text of "Punch"

JAMES NICHOLSON

TORONTO CANADA

Presented to the
LIBRARY of the

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO

THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JDNB it, 1907.

' '

PUNCH

Vol. CXXXII.
JANUARY JUNE, 1907.

PUNCH o* THE LONDON CHAHIVAHI, JUNE a, 1907.

LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET,

AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1907.

- * f*

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

THE START.

YOUTH AT THE PROW AND WISDOM AT THE HELM.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

WHKH I LAST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON."
MJ. "0-OB, I BAT! L*r ra tins TILL TRA-TIME ! "

mr ,

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

Irate Dealer (to Dummy, who has gone Diamondt). " Do TOO CALL THAT A DIAMOND, SIR ? BECAUSE I CALL IT PASTM ! '

BLACK GAME).

TllIS IS FlTZ-JoKES'g IDEA <>F A RKALI.Y WARM CORKER.

Punch'* AlmanacK for 1907

4> I It OOHI TO DO

v JiW. " WILL, I *ETM IEAID

00 ADD DO IT aoMEWRBU ELBE !

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

Nurse. "COME, TOMMY, QO To SLEEP. IT'S PAST EIGHT."

Tommy (stuhlmnily). "I OAN'T." (Then relenting.) "P'RAPS I CAN. I DO SOMETIMES WHEN I CAN'T MOST. DON'T I NURSE?'

Nnrse. ''WELL, EVEN IF TOO DON'T, YOU MUST!"

"Ycif IlKKK, Ml liKAlty 1 IIKVKIl lol WKItK Al K I! IXKKXFI \l' WIIII I'iri: HrsIHM'."

"WiTii MV IlrsnvMi! Mv UK MI rini.n, mi: CIIIKK PART OF MY CURE is A COVPLWB CHANGE OF SOOIBTT."

" HUT wot'i.nx'T inrii HfsiiAxn's SOCIKIV in: A CIIMPI.KTK CIUXOE, DEAR?"

P..^tV AlmanacK for 1907.

THE MISTLETOE BOUGH
>.*IT wnwacT * Pun.

fa, it) " Two-Si*. Ihnv- room.

SawWdB-g-'V

mark*". Initial*." (Dnut

look*

^fcther Mr* or Miaa."

^TK^ of * /.*
tall* for no comment.

,,rrun^, Aim"// comfortably mth
two ufciou, and JOM (o '

lylovean*

e.Uttlebit. latoodunderthemiatletoe
fcr half an hour in the baU Benaon a
jjnecer. Very cold in the hall
nobody love. yon. Much warmer
(look* AomyktfuU* at hit
rberv ahall I

I in .1 .

/.'. .
's hi-V Stand*

\Yliut 's thi-V

" In

Muriel

(frtoJU*

w where

^fc o/ eiyarM+box
^ tt^fcu a . '

put it ?

Thia is rrsilly
Idon't

know anybody . . . unleae
yon count Miaa Carew, and
tkf won't look at me. Yet
that girl only laet year,

he room.

She tee* him in the tofa, got* up to
turn, and then eatehe* tight of the
paper. Got* on her knee* to read
k She frown* at firtt, and then
begin* to laugh softly to hertelf.
She unpin* the paper and take* it to
the de*k, where the fill* in ti
column. She lauyht to hertelf all
tl,f time the urtle*. When tt \*
linittied the pin* it on again. Then
'the I runt orer the back of the *ofa,
and look* at HIM. PfeaBv the
ki**e* tvo of her finger* and put*
them on hi* lip*. She hurrie* out,
flopping a moment to knock the

let me call her May. Won-
derful ' 1 found out
afterward* her name waa
MuheL That really make, it
wonderful that ahe let
call her Ma> // gate* at the
AMMlopafo fora long time, and then
MHfeWy btyin* to turn it round.) M-
M M here we are. (Take* out a
What do they aay about
Theee great men unbend
perhaps we ahaU find

K ' .

bang it. Mjatletoe VMOH* album
tomoua h'm obovate yea.

No. No help. Everything ie going

WTOU lo-nignt Weu (getting

ahall leave nothing to chanc*. I ahall

' i J I I II

nyaatfboth waya.

it on th* rlettne light oatr the o/.<

doing o ymnu violently
I reaDy abaO go to akep.ana men
1 ahan't know what luck I 've had.
down and gate to trriling-deJt. ,
r*lrr am! a thrrt of paprr and begin*
to rttlf obam.) Let ' Me. I rappOM

an tii.

-in which you HWUC.

late natnrr of glove
required.' i*. and drain

Encyclopaedia volume off the detk,
II e wake* up at the, noie.
tie rubbing hit eye*). I 'm sure I heard
Bomething. (Yawn*, ttretche*, and so
lie miftletoe above him.) By Jove !
Won, l.-r if 1 'M> caught anything! (Tear*
off the paper and look* at it.) Ix>rd !
A bite! A bite! (Reading.) Nature
of glove required Whit*- evening ones."
I;, J.t you are " ^<"- Nm. - ' . . .
Nine* .'. hi* head.) Nines . . .

la that much or little? (Loo/ting at hit
own hand.) What do . . .

Ntnee . . . Twice round the wi
once round the neck. Twice round the
neck that doean't help. . . .

well. I suppose it's all ri^ht.
.ber of button* Thirty two

. Nines. Thirty-
:n'- threes

are twenty^even. . . . Thirty-two. . . .
'Counting on hi* am

five, six ... w : u|- to the

\V. 11 anyhow
Ili-mark*

u . . .

'I!
ill,;/,/ if )my.

1'iii* down paper and look* ruuwl the

M. K. ''

Katha:

Re-enter MfRiKJ. K \

She (stopping tuddenly). Ob, 1 didn't
know you |

//,- .j,,,tti<j paper behind In* back).
Yes, yes here l am.

. Oh! (Turn* to go.)

H,-. 1 ^iy. don't leave In.-. I m
awfully lonely.

She' Then why aren't you dan.
//.-. Because everybody else is dancing
with ev.-ryl.ody -l>e. and t
love me. Only half an hour a"
saying to mywtt, " Nobodv lo\.-s me."
I "said it just like that" Noliody lo\.->
me." And l.-ok here, why ha\.
been so beastly to m- ?

Have I?

//.-. Yes, you know you have. Siinjply
beastly! And only last rail, d

me Jack.

II?

He. Yes. My real name
is Freddy, you know. (./ "'-
mtflif "You never knew
anybody called Jack, did
you ?

>Vi (firmly, tliaking her

I If. No. (Pleadingly It
a common name, i* it ?
S/ie. One never hears of it

D M

//,-. No. And 1 eall.-d you
..hi.rt for Muriel
Katharine Carew and
taki- nines in gloves, and
you want thirty-two buttons, and you
think 1 'in a nan-lily l>oy.
She. My dear Mr.

He. I say, do call me Jack aain.

She. You think 1 take nines ! (Hold-
ing out li,-r liwl. -!'/ /""A- in;/ "' 'I >
What M/.- do i/"" take?

//,- l,,,l,li,i,j out III* n,-tt tn I,,TI). I
-li..uld think about .-i^hteens.

., ;,,.,. , ii,,,,'t v..u em i- l>ny

gloves?

//.. Ye> ; lint the man ju.-t runs a
tape round my hand, and {plainiwelu)
he never tolU what tin- an-w.-r i>.

<>h. Well. I tak.- live and a half.
//.-. 1 mj, do you really? Then why-
did you )nit nine? YOU'M- ^|.ih your

I .-hall ha\.-
another ..in- uj) for you. I'.y the way,

- really our dance, so we OOght to

I,- ,',n the sofa together.

//, / ,,-/i/.-.-x tii,' paper and

Now I hen. " Nat in-
p-'iuin-d " white evening as I

. and a half.' Hlltt.

.,-; ,it lie <jl,,rf* xi
thr.-.-. " K. marks? Any remark
make will In- Used ill e\ idei..
you . . . . ' K. -marks none" . . . Thank

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

you. (Hands her the paper and pencil.)
Shop forward sign, please.^

She (kindly). Thc'iv, there ! Never
mind about your part now. I expect
you '11 be all right on the night ... It 's
rather a jolly dance, isn't it? Which
is your favourite waltz ?

He (getting alarmed). I say, this is
your writing, isn't it?

She (taking the paper). Am I to read it ?

He. Yes, please . . . You see, I was in

He. Of course. The craftiness of it,
to pretend it was a C ! But it didn't
i deceive us.

She. And then nines. Why should
! I have put nines ?

He. Why indeed ? It isn't the golden
number for the month, or anything.

She. And thirty-two buttons! Who
ever heard of thirty-two buttons ?

He. Absurd ! Why, if one couldn't
hole out in less than that

and put " Muriel's." " Size- All of it."
"Number of buttons." This
awkward. What can you suggest instead
of buttons? Something in the same
line of goods.

She (innocently). Thimbles ?

//-. Thimbles it is. Numbrr -one
million. " Remarks Starting at once."
" Initials F. II. L." Now won't you fill
in the next column ?

He gives her the pencil and paper.

THE RED-HOT COW.

"On, MUMMY, IT'S BURNT ME!"

the sofa, fast asleep, under the mistletoe.
Most compromising. And then some
fool pinned that on the back, and I
woke up and found one column filled in.

She (examining the initials carefully).
I see. I wonder who filled it in.

He (cheerfully). Looks like M. K. C.,
doesn't it ?

She. That 'san \.

He (nil-ill/ . M. or N.

She. And that might be an II.

He (sententiously). Ah ! the things
one might be ! Si jeunesse savait, si

She. And as for the C

He. As for the C pooh! That's
what I say.

She. 1 mean it 's obviously an O.

She. You know, I expect the man who
pinned it on filled in the first column
himself.

He. No, he filled in the second column
.... And he 's waiting for you to sign.
The merest formality. I collect initials.

She (doubtfully). Of course, if you
collect initials. Hut why should you
Ljivr me gloves?

He (hopefully). I thought we 'd have
the reason afterwards.

She. And anyhow I don't want gloves.

He (taking the paper from her). \ ou 're
very fractious to-night. Give me the
pencil. Now, I 'm going to alter the
whole thing. " Nature of glove re-
quired." We just cross out the "g,"

She considers for some time, and then
begins to write.

She (as she writes). " Jack's " ..." All
of it, and Freddy's as well "...." One
million and one." . . .

He (prompting). " Starting at once "-
because we 're under the mistletoe, and
that brings luck . . . Bless you. Now
the initials, and do be careful this time . . .
Oh. what a splendid M ... By Jove,
never was such a K ... I say though !
Is that a C or an L ?

She. Sort of betwixt and between,
Freddy.

[She looks up at the mistletoe; then
leans back, gives a little sigh, and
doses her eyes.

Punch's AlmaoacK for 1907.

A DAY IN A VERY SMART COUNTRY HOUSE.

> mt, wt. kt w >J
..I of l.. Ck.rlU
to

I .pr..J ill tk

,* ky tU Joor w tk.t ..r

i io.r. W nly rorJ !

Att.r br..li.A w (ot Vf
lkn for pn. W wt
OB till vrykoJy kJ ot prtM.

^k\ VM / ^ Mr. H..t..n k.t promi-d to (i

XV V^ ' * *k-a;...~l krooA.. for

\Jf- .nd gold cigr-et for t

"twj' jj*'

. H ' Jcot oU tk>B
J knowi k>l pUc*. It w (till
pour.ntf tit*T lu<3i wkiuk. I iMp-
|>OM. J ul 11 rttkir grumpy
uykow. ntkcr unpUw^nt tk>g

wkB U

.l.J o C.f.1... <! V.t. |Ir< kr r.tk.r Duty .m.cV in tk f
for kr. kvt tk H >J ik Jrv<l it.

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

A DAY IN A VERY SMART COUNTRY HOUSE.

Howvr. tningi were imootnc<l <lown Ana w n.a
very cKcry dinner.

ftrwardj
BriJg< (wkn
I 'm .fr.i J I lort
ntKer mor tkma
P.p. will lit. to

follow.d ty . merry goodnigkt

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

.Vr Ammd at Ott Camlry (*o ku (tM down on (Amwre property). " llonoi', ILunu.' I 'VE HAD 11O. MT WIRE TAKK-. Down.'
J/ >' W - AM. vm ooo* or toe, I 'M MTU. Bor wcWr TOO MP PIT OPT?" _^^_^_

(10 J0r- .,;,. V ku (. Wt.in. ' J|- 'I. c.nsr. AWAT ? "

uumwnff! Hi u a K V ,,,,>,,

BUT Pi

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

Spokesman of Thruster division (iclio hare been rather pressing on hounds). " HE 's GONE DOWN THAT HEDGE-BIDE."
Master. "On! WHY DIDN'T TOO GO AFTER HIM?"

.S/ic/7(cn/ (nitlii'f di'ilf, irho hux MCCH tin- fox). " 'E BE GONE TIIROUOn THAT THEEB GAP."

Huntsman. "Dm YOITH noi; CIIASK HIM?" Mu-plierd. " 'E BE GONE THROUGH THEER."

Huntsman. " BUT DID TOUR DOG CIIASK HIM?" She[>>ier<l. " THBOCGH THEER!"

Huntsman. "Dm TODR DOG -CIIASK HIM?" .S/ip/i/icn/. "(in! 'E BAIN'T FEARED o' DOGS! 'E SEES TOO MDCH o' TOORS!'

Punch's Almanac* for 1907.

THE HIDING DEVIL
I 'n ompied with heart undaunted

IS. lajajdahoM reputed "haunted,"
And tired in lodgings badly

I 'TO known my Aldemeys and ban

la May bewitched of milk and eggs.
I'm asaa and walked and talked with

If I lure eyes and ears and legs.

With not one tremor of my features

I have deliberately stepped
O'er door -matt dim where coochant

Yat both myself and dearest Fanny
.,-at and natty as you please;
You'll therefore own as quite uncanny

... :;,..-.-

A o were going out to dinner.
And maybe just a trifle pressed
To catch the 7.15 to Pinner,
Yet practically almost dressed

I standing in my shirt-front speckles*,
She pinning on her moss-rose buds

When Fanny missed her diamond neck-
lace,
And I my only decent studs.

" My opals, dear, are simply nowhere.

Have you a notion where they are ? "
To which she only answered, " where,

Augustus, is my diamond star ? "

I saw it, love, among your sables,
Beside your photo of the Prince,
On one or other of these tables,
It can't be half a moment since."

Fhen high and low we started hunting
As swift the precious moments flew ; i

On handsand knees I grovelled, grunting,
With tears she searched her treasures
through.

The time was short, the time grew shorter,
We puffed, we panted, we perspired ;
Our clock cuckoo'd the hour, the quarter ;
1*8 to our friends we wired.

The can-el tack by '-"- k Wl ' lif " M> -

An. I und.-rn.'Uth it jK-.-r.Ml ami pried,

in* shook, th* cinders Mfted;

The studs and star our search defied.

Ami hour by hour we prosecuted

.1 .piost, yet hour by hour i" vain.
Till twelve o'clock our cuckoo fli.
And to renounce it we were lain.

Pill, as the candle in its socket

while folding up our .lu.ls.
I found h.-r necklace in i.
She in her flounces found my studs.

Their horrid, headless vigil kept :
And watched a bookcase, stout and

Unmoor ilsalf and mount the stair,
AM! smiled to sw from off the table
My dinner ssrrios take the air.

Yet is there one strange, diabolic
Oonfusw of my h-

Then diving down into the larder

snatched a lightning snack of food,
And once again with desperate ardour
Our agonising quest pursued.

8mg and cyniosl by turns.

Aad if you'll draw a little nearer,
I II whispsr yon his evil fame,

Bun you 're a sympathetic hearer-
-TW HidiM iHwfl is ais i

I cannot daim a bump of order,

The kind that 's known as apple-pie.
I 'm o' an accurate recorder

>nd button, hook and eye;

For these let others crawl their druggets,
\\ ith craning necks and straining eyes,

8och thrifty habita I despiaa.

A score or more of such like cases

I could have easily adduced,
Where well-known things from well-
known places

Have 'neath my very nose vamoosed.

Of these example on example

I might promiscuously pile.
But let us close with just one sample

In our own demon's smartest style.

The Hiding Devil gets an inkling
Some non-teetotal guests are near.

Well ! Up they drive nnd in a twinkling
Your cellar key will disappear.

For wine you seek the nearest gn>cer,
Though bad 's the best of all hi-
^uests are gone. On I * >k in^

The key i in the cellar door.

uk it? Why, the Hiding Devil.
Who put it liaek ''. The lii-n<l,nf e.

Who jH.-itively Heems to <
In every kind of slim rcoi

nder then this diabolic
fu-.-r of all h. rn>

tu.ike in.- mad and inelaix-holic,
and cynical by turns.

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

A SCHEME FOR FURTHER ARMY RETRENCHMENT AND REFORM.
THE WAR OFFICE ro PURCHASE GRAMOPHONES. MASSED GRAMOPHONES AND MASSED BANDS TO PARADE, AND THE BANDS TO PLAT EVEBY-

THINO THEY KNOW INTO THE QRAMOPRONE3, AND IMMEDIATELY DISBAND. REGIMENTAL PETS TO BE EMPLOYED AS SUGGESTED IN ILLUSTRATION.

N.B. THE LEAST EXPENSIVE DRUMMER-ROY TO BE RETAINED TO TURK ON OR orr THE GRAMOPHONES AS THE GRAMOPHONE-MAJOR IN THE

FOREGROUND MAY COMMAND. THE LATTER IS PERHAPS AN EXTRAVAGANCE AND MIGHT BE DISPENSED WITH.

Sportsman (who has been shooting the day before, and dices badly). " T'OTHER GUN, IDIOT- <juici ! OB HE "u. GET AWAY nrro THE BPUWBT ! "

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

THE JEALOUSIES OF ART.
nu Honu TO A MCTTT vnauvu. a m TmuTi< u W.i.n.

See. here is GEORGE.
He is iea-lous,
be -cause HER-BERTS.

The -a- (re

than nis.

So he is go-ing to

throw up his Part and

s ing Fun- ny Songs through

his Nose at the Hal Is.

His Clothes will cost

him less.

But he will not look

50 Well Bred.

,ct us sec what JOHN is do-ing.

JOHN used to paint
Portraits of all the
Grand Peo pie. But
he found that the
Pho to graph
er could take
Like ness es
quick er than

he could. So
he got sulk-y
and turned it Up.

Now he thinks
hewill learn Pol i
tics and be a Cab
m-et Mm is ter.
How Gau-dv and
Genteel hewill
look!

^ t> ' S~~~'

think it is be-cause they havelP

putElL-A-LINES
Pho-to graph
in the Tooth

IStuffAd
vert- ise
ment,
and

left her
out.

Sheh

giv-

her

^^ ^ .. 6 ~g~ ment and has
be-come a Shriek-ing Sis-ter.
She isgb-ing to make it Red Hot
forrtis-ter AS-QI/ITH .

^ ' __ ,

itisAL-GER-WONi

He is cross be-cause
one has giv-en
ALFRED some
Lau-rels for
writ-ing J\>-et
ry.WhataSh
Ne-ver mind
he has gone
in for Golf
now, and
is go-ing to
win the Cham
pi on -ship.
Look, he
has just done

turn,
some-

ig- Hole
in One

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

THE JEALOUSIES OF ART.

'CERTAIN STARS SHOT MADLY FROM 1111:111 MIIKRKS." Sh

hat can be the mat-ter with A A Tlio is this cry-ing-? I bel-ieve it
THOMAS Here ? He does not V V j s CHARLES. He feels bad be-

like BER-NARD
wear-ing" the
same co-loured

Hair as his own.
See, he has left
offwrit-ing,and
be-come a^5tron
Man. He can
lift Can-non
Balls and Things.
HowMan-lyand
Stren-u-ous he is!
EUGEN will be sick.

ook at BERNARD . How

strange-Jy he b
haves ! Is he Dot-ty ?
No.- but he could not
bearto Q see GEORGE
wear-ing r
such
love-
ly Trou-
sers,
while his

all Bacr-gy. So he has got
some Span-gles and has
Bro-ken out as a Jugg-ler
Here he is ba-lan-cing
Tilings all over Him-self.E4UL
will have to pull his Socks up.

cause his \\aist is not so
small as CA-MILLE'S

He is try-ing to
earn his Liv-ing 1
asaPi-an-ist.
Look, he has
rown his
lair long, for
he will have to
give a-way fiec-es
of it to the La dies at the
Con-cert. That will make
PAD DY Sit Up.

Ah, here is HERBERT.
* Is he Down-heart- ed?,
They have made

pright-jyCHARLES a
Knight, that is why. So
he has turned Po-et. Is
he not Sin-u-ous? He is
go-ing to La-die out the
An-a-pa*sts so Thick that

AL-GER-NON'S Heart will fcreal

Perhaps
they will make
him a Lord
then.

ure-ly this must be AN-DREW.
But why does he wear such
short Knick-ers? He isjea-lous

be-cause[_ _

VlC-TOR-1 A'S Books are"
Free-er than his; so he has
be-come a .Mud-died Oaf.

Rl/D-DYwill hc]1ad when
he finds out.

Punch's Almanach for 1907.

THE RETURN OF DICK TURPIN.

Punch's Almanac K for 1907.

THE ANTI-VIBRATION TREATMENT.

F"l( I . A MOTOB-BCS ROUTE.)

A DRAWING-BOOM BEFORE TREATMENT.

THE SAME AFTER TREATMENT.

HOW TO POPULARISE THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
[" Visitors to the British Museum are falling off." Daily Paper.}

Willing Matcnes in
Reading Room Gallery.

Egyptian 1 ca-roon
Popular Priecc.

Skating in Corridor of -^--^^ ^
Imperial Bull*.

(B 9 ~r Ckar,*any ArtuH

OOM> morning. Sir," amid a barber to
on one f our blackest a *

agree," amid the

fQfJQPliUKuBU IAJ uitii'i

authoritv in uniform, at once emptied "inter.

. ; -. ., : . ... .-- ,:.-..- I ft* ! i-' 1

One of the
dieooncerting
denu that can hap-
pen to a let'
occnrml the other

laamed genllonan
who waa readina
the paper wae wen
under way, a man
t the back of the
hall complained
that he could not
hear, whereupon
a number ol
member* of the
audience jumped
up. and offend to
change aeata with
him.

year, ac-

: . ' ' ': -'

ma- -ral.

.-. .

by the Port Office
in thia country,
which repreeenU
62 letters for ererr

|p^n rnai child,

and baby in the
country." Xum-
benof foolish peo-
ple are writing to
aay that they did
not receive any
thing like the
number of letten
mentioned, and
' ;

tbr Port Office.

Our language

. .
insuperable
diffirulliea to the
fcnigner with the
be* intentions. A

who, on being told
by an Engliah lady friend that ahe
not feeling very well, remarked. "
you are UMooking." u Mill at a loa

has again l>een put
orward that all
lemliers of I'arlia-
lent shall wear a
istinctive uniform
i order to make
lem more impos-
\Ve lielieve

his is done in

'nine.', for we met
be other day. in
lie streets of 1
n individual in an
bviously official
oatnme, and \\\^
iat bore the word
'Gaz."

The fact that
luffs are coming
nto fashion a^ain
eads an illiterate
:ontemporary to

make the remark-
ible statement that
i really pretty

woman never looks

so well as with an
'.li/al>ethan

round her neck.

It is said that, as
nation, we are
Becoming tlal>l>y.
Siine colour is lent
to this statement )>y
notice in a slu>i>
window :

made to suit all
figures, with remov-
able bones."

The use of gloves
by burglars
creasing. Any

thin-;, we sii]
whieh wives them
a more gentlemanly
appearance is to !
welcomed.

Is ti]>i>iiiK on the
incn entle-

man. who had had
|..-nny cup "f
,-e at a restau-

I nortec, pleading earnestly that he mih t nut. gave the waiter a M.vrein. Not
be allowed to retain sufficient for ! ing the expected

' ' f,,- it " I luxr \-(.nr n

tut* Itf* tandfd a glaM a/ valrr la root tu* mouth, to dentint .
'UC'f 't>

urn journey.

r chnnge,he a-k.-d

for it. "I lx>^ your pardon. I thought
that was for me," said the waiter.

.. 7 ,^^.v^ . .... . ^ The Sim-et t inn had just been fired.

preeaed into * Why. what was that?" asked an ol<l

as to th- ' with lady of a fisherman. "Snn^-t." eame

which a (n-rtain coat was lined was the answer. " Well." said the old lady,

(in . uuuia uciiiwu yniitnin-i- frankly informed by a young shop astonished. " it 's the first time I have

travelling (or the first time in an assistant that it was real M : ln-<tr<l it set."

:. ,". . .',.

in ral id would aoon be up-eet again.

another German gentleman

Such is the deman r fur coats

that every species of skin is Iwin-

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

TO CHRISTINE.

(A Quinquennial Address from her Uncle.)

Mv dciir, when you were half your age,
(L''S into 10?) a good while back,

I wrote about you on a page
Of Mr. Punch 'a Almanack.

How you are gaining on me quick !

Your years were then of mine,
I iui Time, who does arithmetic,

I Ins made the ratio 2 to 9 !

And now that o'er your shining head
Tli is second lustre (if you know

What lustres are) has been and fled
Into the Land of Longago

since you somehow failed to get
Those earlier verses off by heart,
I '11 make you up another set.

So that's the Preface. Here we start !

Dear, as I see you nice and small,
Agile of leg and sound of lung,

And rather wistfully recall

What it was like to feel so young,

When grown-ups seemed, in taste and
size,

Removed from me immensely far
I often ask with vague surmise

How old you think we really are.

Sometimes I fancy you behave
As if you found us past repair

One foot already in the grave,
The other very nearly there !

Then you are wrong, and you must try
To take a more enlightened view ;

You 're not so much more young than I,
Nor I so much more old than you.

!''or. though you have the supple joints
That go so well with childhood's mirth,

In certain elemental points

You are the age of Mother Earth.

And while it's true I've ceased to hop
Out of my bed at peep of dawn,

Have lost the weasel's power to pop,
Nor can outrun the light-foot fawn,

Yet otherwise I 'm far from old ;

The words I use, so long and queer,
ily manner, stern, abrupt and cold
" All this is just pretence, my dear.

As when you act your nursery plays,
And ape your elders' talk and looks,

So I have copied grown-up ways
Either from life or else from books.

But in my heart, its hopes and fears,
Its need of love, its faith in men,

I yet may be, for all my years,
As young as little girls of ten.

0. S.

EPISODE I- ?wst" .A|>f>la*aMrt

THE CHATSWORTH PAGEANT.

(Suggested ly historical performances at Sherbornc, \Vancick, and eltetchere.)

D<
cc. -ukM'

VT, fc,

EPlSOL

EPISODE DT "Wily*w it

<li5f

(a* N Yt

sffBI

-3^1

BODOER AND THE EDITOR.

ii i-. in my opinion, a man of
., ;l l|y 'cll.vt. tint he mjt tliat

the dllTieulty he eiieuiin:

,,,,t , in an adroit and easy

manner.

The (allowing incident i- a trivial
one, but 1 narrate it because I ihaold

like to know if anyone ean think of
anything that HodgtT nuil.l hav,
lie him>elf always maintains that there
is a proper mot for every l,.i\. taking,
only he can so seldom tind it.

It was like this : he had taken a
manuscript poem round to the oilice of
a monthly magazine, and was shown
into a room where a weary-looking man
was sitting at a table in his si
counting some postage stamps the
Editor, it appeared.

Bodger put on, he tells me. the rather

menacing air he always adopts with

editors, and said, in a firm and I .ml

one of voice, "Good afternoon ; 1 have

>rought you a little poem."

The Editor hurriedly concealed his
stamps, leaned back with a gentle sieji,
and stared blankly at Bodger. Then-
was an interval of dreadful silence, and
then he said, " Read it out M me."

So Bodger sat down and read it. I
don't remember the words <|uite aeeu
rately, but it was a neat little thing, all
about autumn :

" O ! autumn leaves, why will ye fall ?

tumn winds, why do you -(nail ?
Why do the something sonicili
Pale, ghostly somethings of the spring ? '

I know it went somehow like that.

Well, when llodger had tini-hed read
ing it he looked at the Kditor. and the
Editor looked at him in an abstracted
sort of way, until Bodger thought hi-
was in a trance.

However, he roused himself presently.
and began to paint patterns on the table
with a paste-brush.

" It 's not very good," he said.

Bodger quietly put the maim
down on the table, and there w.is another
aching silence.

" Well, what are we to do alnmt it? "
said the Kditor at last, in a pn/./led
sort of way.

t and pay for it." replied
Bodger playfully.

The Kditor (hough! a moment ; then

he Ope I er in his table and

took out a stick ..f -ealinir-waN. a chain-

CHAT8WORTH PAGEANT

paue c..rk. a t -it-h. and tinally

hilling |,ieec-. .linl^'eof HKI^IT'H
li-'d delight when this goodly
coin was i.-n'l. r. <l to him.

The rat,' of I'ayment was not hjgfa, to

U- -nr.. . but tlii-n. a^ In- -anl. the general

| rule with monthly ;
their contributor-, the >,-ar after i

And for on,-,- In- ^ot off the ri^ht
wirt of n-niark at parting. With a little

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

l)u\\- he said, " lii n ilnl I/HI !/'/( ,lnl." and
ran down the stairs and out into the
Strand, in such a glow of pleasurable
elation that lie felt lie must give himself
a little treat. So he went into a phice
where they sell alleged champagne Oil
draught, and ordered a :

lie must have been feeling really
skittish, for he threw down his crown-
piece and said, "There goes the last of
the family plate ! " knowing, of course,
that, new jokes are bad form in a high-
class bar.

While he drank his wine the barmaid
walked away towards one of those opu- j
lent machines, the kind that looks like
a typewriter and isn't one, but stopped
halfway, and then returned to him ; and
he says she seemed quite stuffy as she
offered him his crown-piece again.

" What 's that for ? " he asked rather
blankly.

"It's a bad one," says she, looking
a hundred miles beyond him ; and she
waited, leaning against the counter.

There was a stern, massive specimen
of manhood meditating in the back-
ground by the patent till ; so Bodger j
did not argue, but paid his reckoning
with some coppers he had reserved for
two evening papers and his bus fare :
home all he possessed at the moment, I
for he had been disappointed in the
City earlier in the day.

Then he returned to the magazine
office. The office boy had presumably
been sent out to fetch tea, for Bodger
was able to reach the Editor's room with-
out interference.

Again the Editor looked hard at him,
and then folded his arms and leaned
back in his cliair.

" About that five-shilling piece," began
Bodger.

"Well? "says the Editor in a tired voice. |

" I 'm afraid er there 's something
the matter with it," says Bodger.

" Well?" says the Editor again.

" It 's a bad one," explained Bodger.

The Editor raised his eyebrows a
fraction of a millimetre, and looked at
Bodger. harder than ever.

" Well ? It 's a bad poem,"

says he.

That' s all. Bodger stood gaping at
the Editor for a long, long while, think-
ing deeply, but somehow he couldn't
think of* the right thing to say. So he '
jammed his hat fiercely on his head and i
went out, as he tells me, heavily and
awkwardly, looking like a born ass. He
still feels that there was a retort- that
would have enabled him to march out
with all the honours of war; but, after
all, what foiild he have said ?

A MUCH needed work, entitled Names
forBahif. has made its appearance. When
one has been kept awake night after night
by a squalling infant one is often at a
loss to know \\hat to call the child.

THE CHATSWORTH PAGEANT.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

A nut Voting lady- " HERE conn CATTAO BLODOERS. 1 REALLY MOT PAINT THAT MAM ! "
FrimJ WHY ? HE 'i AROTT THE CQLIEBT LITTLE OUTSIDER "

"H. I \c. Itrr UK'- SH-H A IMVKIY BIT or C.II..H-R "

-V If^Vr. . T 0tY KXE* HOW TIRED I (1ET of SATIKO ' I)OX'T ' ALL DAT I

'' - i tnur i . , , , , y.

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

Visitor. "Now, IF I WERE WELL ENOUGH OFF, THAT is A PICTURE I BHOOLD NOT BUY!"

'Amj tin HiiriiKj-lhtii I'fitlcrntii-f of x/nrit). "'ARK! 'ARK! "ARK!"

M.F.H. " THANK YOU, tSm. WIIKN TOO'VE QCHK HMSHED CAKOL-SIXUING, I'LL ao ON HI

Punch's AlmanacK for 1907.

WOMAN'S TRIUMPH IN THE PROFESSIONS.

1CEDICINE.

Ftnt taJy DattOT " Re II RLKEMXO HOW, AMD 18 rFKTAIXl.Y lECOYEIIXO. HE PROPOSED To ME THIS HORSING."

. "lpm>! HE WA PtnABLT BELIE

/W.W^W,,r Wt I

LAW.

"mur *n i

Hi i .

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

WOMAN'S TRIUMPH IN THE PROFESSIONS.

CHEMISTRY.

First Lady Dispenser (making up a prescription). " THERE SEEMS SOMETHING WRONO HERE ! "
Second Lady Dispenser. "Yes; I THINK ANOTHER FEATHER WOULD IMPROVE IT VERT MUCH."

DENTISTRY.

Assistant Lady Dentist. " HOLD OK ! I 'LI. RING FOR MOKE BELT ! "

crowds. In order t ucceas-

,n crowd*. in oraer u>
A NEW STAGE ACADEMY. ,

has learns hia part with the lamb.

' : ' -

oantly fell to us, of attendin,

uiU a

afeia^rrepraeent^ at the Chalk Farm academy, can f

iMrnction that >-> imnMed In- the inu-lbjp-nt interest

of the leas intelligent or more self
flsBtred

; r

be impressed by the

__ with which the progress of a human
Aberdeen dialogue can be followed by these dumb
, *~.~ualy lack, yet intensely apprehensive creatures.
-B, has agreed, n.* Ihiring the hero'a declaration of passion
oh [iiolnasinnil critk like Mr hen -in.- we noticed an expression

V V, . , - - - -.:-..--- ,-.-,..

ami intruders as Mr. \ :>i*-n it would puwde our most gifted

warm from inspection olLaUiio

Bonduer that the Drnry Lane 11,-rr Treeth is prepared to supply
TV Bondman (by a j buna suitable for any play in any
t tongue -carefully -instructed bears to

-
v

<
recall)

for the

been lend local colour and a sense of illusion to

s whimsical

^^^^^ ^^ from the

bat the recant failure of 2V Girt from French ," polar bears for arctic scenes at
.famea* at the Satiety
Theatre waa due quit*
aa much to the ill-con-
sidered antic* of the
jerboa aa to any weak-
ness either in the music,
diabue. or lyrics of the
thirteen collaborator*.

The actor - manager
being notoriously ready
to learn wherever in-
struction may be picked
op. either from the man
in the street. Tin Daily
Mail, or bitter experi-
ence. meeting of these
jenllMtiBn wan recently
held at the Zoo. by the
courtesy of Dr. Chalmers
MitcheO. in a disoaad
of theftnaUCaU
where it waa de>

S iinifli f-T cows. ll> '' '"

quet., i-anii-r 1" ..l't:iin

UMII jn- '.

ur. Plays with

[ways tin' I

ire not BO

alty with tlu-in in theatres,
..... .luliu, 'I'n-.'lh infdrin- OS, i~ '

them out nf tin- auilitoriiiin. many of them
at oncemakiiiK

-Mill-lit l>f till- up

the ooneternatkm ol tin- si. ill- A*
iinytliiiiK likfly t" pr.-juilici- an auilu'iio-
against a tlnMtn- is unpopular with miHiar

HerrJuliusTrecth 1.
to arrange for a liarU-d-uirr
Btretched from one siili- f tin- i.ros<-i-ninin

other. Few

liavti been

.
known to li-aj. this, but, \vhm- they have,

. V __ .. U _ M J. A 'M n*n>\4 i. irt w VQ VO ' IT 1 1( W^t.

the composer's intentions

invariahly suffered.

.ilmoet

tided that at the earliest possible moment DruryLane; llamas for ThiMan trnves-

i i.i u_ jjgg . ofcapig f or extravaganzas from tlic
Soudanese; and even giant sloths
(specially trained by Professor Ray Lan-

a dramatic acbool for animals should be
established. imiUr in aim to Mr. Tree's

iamous academy in Oower Street With
the leading lighta of the theatrical profes-
sion u> think i* to act (even if the con verse
ia only too seldom the case), and the

. - .

._ _. _ .... .

The training of animal* for the stage
ia of coarse no new thing ; bat in two
revpccta llerr Julius Treeth ckima to
b an innovator: in the diversified
range of creatures that he ia prepared

Ik Farm to what may be called
the fturmtb. In the old days even in
TV /{nrnJMan. the salphnmus drama at
Drury Une (Hy the author the baa of
whn**> name ao bothers as)- l
had an animal on the stage it wa alone.
onk- -<. as in a previoii-

inph by the same hand, it was
a fWk of she.
art himself the taak 'n animal*

kester ) for Patagoman problem plays.

Fashions of course will change, but
for the moment, inspired no doubt by
the success of The Bondman (odd how
the author's name erodes us!),
with a strong vaccine interest are un-
doubtedly, as the saying is, in the air.
The demand for COWR
but the school has n doubt that it will
be able to cope with it. Plays with

no fewer than five West Knd theatres,
Mr. Alexander, ever en

A MARTYR TO OOUT.

ONCE, with a constitution

scomiiiK
The signs that lead

dira-t to gout,
I laughed to hear the
solemn warning,
Be sure your liinswill

find you out!
But now I know those
" beaded bubbles "
Were "winking" with

their other eye,
And all too late perceive

the troubles
Bred in the Beaune I
loM-il to buy.

Get hence, old Port, so
rich and fruity !

Thou brin^est naught

but grief and pain ;
And thou, my Sherry, '</,

Must never kiss my lips a^ain ;
O false Champagnes, could onl\ \e know

The actual ills that haunt me ii
You'd surelv mourn with MaraM-hino

The purple flush upon my 1

The glories of the kitchen dwindle.

Nor yield the j..\- that once I felt :
My sadden- ix-rt to kindle

When sirloin* make their presence
smelt :

.\a- when il wa- wondrous )>leaaant
To tast<- the birds and drain the cup.
NOW, IOIJK before 1 see the jiheasant.
I realise the ip!

the b.,11

off from my sujierli Madeira

friendlv and

serviceable animal actually t

1
-ir further of an abbreviated

-
dian is to prodm-e under the n .

-o ardi lit. i|iiail
the ]>nisp<-ct of an
Of 1- d.- :

Pinched are my 'cheeks once round and

ruddv.
And thin is now my clii

.11 my knUCkle-DOnei and study
The sennon-, in the chalkMones there !

Punch's Almanack for 1907.

Nervous Host. " WELL, OOOD-BYE, LADY ROBINSON. ER THANK TOD go OOOD so nvca OP TOO TO HAVE OOME ! '

THE POET'S VISION." FOR I PUT INTO THE FUTCHE." fM-kdry Hall.
Thirxty Tramp (iriat fully eontraii ' af hop garden* i . " t.-ni i.v IIKKII FIKI.HS. I!n i I"

Punch's Almanach for 1907.

THE FINISH.

\Y O.MK \M> YIAIIS MAY
HIT TIIHlMi

JANUARY 2, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A DOUBTFUL PROSPECT.

'UK trials of Christinas arc over,
The parrels, the pudding, the pain,

knd we've fifty-odd weeks to recover
Ere Yule-tide flows round us again.

Ye carp at each other in chorus,
Our complexions are not very clear,

Ind we shrink from the prospect before

us
The youthful inviolate vear.

W<> judge nineteen six as we found it,
Good fortune in niggardly streaks.

Blue sky with the cloud rising round it,
And fewer caresses than tweaks.

\\V think of the schemes that we tl
The time and the trouble they cost ;

Their launching was almost unnoted,
And half the flotilla was lost.

Through the year that we hope to inherit,
In luck may the rest of you bask,

lint a fair n-ci ignition of merit
Fur myself is as much as 1 a

ask.

" ' The People ' Year Book for 1707 is without
doubt the most comprehensive encyclopwli:
of popular information .... It ha been
brought thoroughly up-to-date." 3 he People.

M. HOOPER, should this catch the eyo
of, let him beware. There is a rival in
th: field.

VOL. CXXXII.

2, 1907.

.hi it*, appears as a mute witne-

'11 *

-,l,at lurid past, but then

THE

TEMPTATIONS
ANTONY.

thing to

3T rf

II * *W^snrv

each new revival of Ssuxmut '

* of each new *niine si

Prury Ue) that the s|

,-[ the

! '. ,f ' r i \ . *"

\:,< f t:..- praam u
tony W CUopa*m

f l:

. ha* an

M- antiquity

itoUien

iuimi-nu|.| i .

Imperial affair*, would have explained
to him that these were the mam.
the latar Empire, and that Koine was
Mill a Republic.

I also gather from t!
that "the tragedy of a world passion
redeemed by love this i t

1.1 l.t.fntM*

Antony and Obm**" 1 ''l' ' n . v
other words could with so adinir.il>!.- a
have misrepresented the
'

the

, ._ of so noble a

It was a personal triumph for
lUutB and KYAX; for Mr.
..j and the British Museum assi*
_ , for Mr. Tree aa Manager; for the
acton (regarded as a mobile section of
the scenery); for everyone except the
author himself. He was constantly
sacrificed to the picture,
of sight is always dominant over
the sense of hearing ; and the intelligent
ear only found its opportunity when the
1 bf

Actually, if we are speaking
compass of the play itself, it
tragedy of a sex-passion, relieved from
time to time by the futile recurrence
of a discarded" jMilitii-.il and military
ambition. AH for " love " in the larger
of a bingle-hearted devotion we

ecome

ated.

In* of th* eye had

Thus, the memorable line*, spoken
to Menus on the galley by S,rfu
I'ompfitu (a part in which Mr. I/ENTBAXGE
looked very t-i"Um when he had his

" net on):

" Ai. this ikou sbouM'd hare done,
M* k*T spot* ou't ! In m* 'Us villainy ;
* 'I had bm flood wrric."

U !*

wore almost lost in the distractions of

the rV^-hf 1 ")'*" swne. And it

.
BrtOTtKLi thai the greatest pageant of

U the return of the prodigal to his
ne huaka WM interpolated,
lined no spoken line of SBUK
JT anybody else's. I am no

_. for the purposes of this production,
whether it would not have been just as
well to cut Ssuonun out altogether.

Mr. TBXE. in his "Foreword," says:
11 To illustmte on the one hand the austere
grandeur of Borne, and on the other the
gorgeous splendour of the East, and so
to capture for our audiences something

Antony.

Era,

of aunrun's glowing imaginat
this has been the aim of the present
production." There is a not* of modesty
fn thai word "something." I 1110014
like to havs seen the brave Sauunu
eated in the stage-box beside Mr.
W 0*101 Gsxmnu. (who, I think, must

Thy master din thy scholar ; to do thus

[failing on hi* iirord
I leun'd of the*. How! Not de*d? Not

dead?

I ha** don* my work ill.

Ao*f.. llr.Tsss. fro. . . Mr. Bcoujtt.
have the best commentary in Cleopatra's
expressed fear that her attendant I rat,

dying first, will anticipate her
afffrtKyft of Antony' i ghost :

in tin-

. , ,

hare been wishing that Egypt
under the Colonial Office, so that _
night arrange for it a Free Constitution
ht of the Transvaal) and to have
Mkcd the author how much credit h.-
took to his own " glowing imagination "
for the scrne, say. of the gaudy night

on the gaUsy. What a revdation of
his own inaighl could be have watched

i r i . II * t

the "aMUnVraadeur of Home" in the

persons of her Triumvirate, as they

I unbent themsulvai and behaved just

If sh* fii*t meet the carted Antony.

He 11 make demand of her, and spend that

kiss,
Which i* my heaven to hate.

The play offers little chance for
subtlety, except in tho vacillat ions of
Antony; and Mr. TKE (whew energies
bad spent themselves in a brilliant effort
of stage management) lacked \.u
voice and facial expression for their in-
terpretation. CUopatni. though .-
many moods, in, in thin play, a fairly
straightforward character with only a
very transparent veil of mys-
nothi: ly. to justify the repeated

appnr - Sphinx on adrop-ecene.

It is true that (Jeuarion, her buy i

hint of her historical overtures to .

it. The possibility of consomion

in this .plainer may just have crossed

her mind where she calls him " My

and my lord." Jt is a pity that

ith its excellent cl

had to U- omitted, and that he is only
introduci-d to ' 7.-"/i'r.i when sin- u

The colouring of this final scene in the
-.Monument" was of a marvellous dim
U-auty. 1 think it regrettable thai Atit,in

should have rolled off the IHM! when
he expired, because the ladies had a lot
of dillicnlty, even with the help of
Um/i.in iwho was not BOppOMO to bfl
111 getting him back again. They
had not really unite recovered from the
exhausting process of hauling him up
through the window. This had IM-.-II
In-hind the curtain while the
audience was being distracted by a little
diversion in " (Vsar's Camp" jus'
the footlights. .Judging by the noise
that w.-nt on behind 1 should say that
the hoisting was done by a v.-iy primi-
tive hand-crane.

InthepartofCIeoparni MissCoi
COU.IKU came very near (.'realising the
sinuous figure of this "serpent of old
Nile." In the scene where she buffets
the messenger of evil tiding-, a- al.->
in that other where she tries to -
rapture in the Monument, she
with remarkable intelligence and
tility. Hut she should never smile, fur
there her fax-mation finds its limit.

Most of the actors recited their lines
without spontaneity. Sm.- were in-
distinct, but Mr. BASH. GILL, asOetowia,
was inclined to bark. (No attempt, by
the way, was made to give o
to the pronunciation of proper names.
The u in Fi</riu was sounded in the
Italian manner, and so was the first 'i in
Cleopatra; but "rf (1 ri<i and th-
were pronounced in the frankest British

way.) r'ar the U-st speaker w,
Lra H.utl'lNc;. in the part of HiiiJiiirlntu,
!iaractcr in the play.

Candid in his criticism of all the world,
including himself, the blunt and ready
r wit of this bluff soldier delighted
an audience not easily moved to
enthusiasm. The gentlemen on each
side of me one had with him a son who
had l--n getting up the play and was
able to prompt Ins ill instructed parent)
particularly pleased with Mr.
II MIMM.'S enunciation.

There were certain of his lines -
1'urplr th> sail*, and so perfuni.il that
The winds were love-sick with ihcm,

and again,

.... From the barge
A strange invisible j-rfuin hiU the sense
< if the adjacent wharfs

which appealed very strongly to the
I audience in my neighbourhood, where

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVARL JASUART 2, 1907.

PETER- PUNCH AND THE NEW YEAR.

(With ackiioirlciljments to Mr. Harriet "Peter Pan")

JANTAKY i', 11)07.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

-My-*,

THE NEW PROGRESS.

" SO GOOD OF TOD TO COME SO FAR ! DlD TOO MOTOR OVKH ? "

" No. WE FLEW ! "

the heavy air reeked through a ten
yards radius with a nauseating essence
worn by a lady in a stall uncomfortably
close to my own. Can nothing be done
by the Management to cheek this in-
suITi Table offence? Would that I could
have used the language employed by
f'li-njiiitrii'n bargees when this kind of
thing was thrown back at them from
the " adjacent wharfs." O. S.

ZANCIGNALLIXG.

A winrv.K in Tin' Daily Mull ridicules
the idea of telepathic communication
between the Zvvfins. and is convinced
that the whole thing is done by a private
cmli dt signals. lie says that when
Mine. Z\M'it; is blindfolded and cannot
watch her husband's movements, then
" M. ZANCK; eommunieates by means of
the many strange sounds he uses, and not
to be found in any known vocabulary."
The Mail writer further prophesies that
the ZAXCIG boom will soon be over.

Mr. Punch imagines the ZAXCIGS at
breakfast. Professor Z. is reading Tlie
l>nili/ Mail, and communicating, for the
sake of practice, the results to Madame.
who is blindfold. Professor Z., who has
been making premonitory uncouth noises
for some -time, suddenly breaks out
indignantly with :

A cough two sneezes the noise of a
pig squealing.

'Mini-. Z. " Does it really ? Po go on."
The noise of an oyster opening.
Mme. Z. " But how absurd ! "
A sneeze the death-rattle of a coeli-

I'l'ilrll.

Mine. Z. "Oh, my dear! Then our
fortunes are made."

A sneeze the deatlt-rnttle of a xliijlitli/
larger cockroach.

Mine. Z. " Thank yon. dear. They 're
making so much noise upstair*, it's a
little difficult for me. 1 quite mis-
understood you."

The noise of a larkspur lui/im/ an (</</.
Z. "Oh! But how terrible'

Surely that great paper will not desert
us!"'

Tlie noise of a dormouse Aetfimg.

Mme. X. " You must go slower, dear,
I don't follow you."

The noise of a dormouse hiliematimj.

Mme. Z. "Jium! We are ruined!
We are discovered ! "

The noise of a thermometer falling
from 26 to 2<F.

" Yes. That i* best, dear. We will
go and see Mr. STKAP."

[Scene doses irith IVofewwr ZANCIO
signalling for n han*<>m in/// the
noixeofa sycamore biirxtni'jintoleaf.

Are we Downhearted P
Is the P>pilogue tn the Westminster
Play the banners of the Suffragists bore
the legend : " /

Minor of the I'pprr Remove writes to
say that in lii form they would have
put ".Yum dejeclce. Kiimus," seeing that
the answer " Xo ! " is cxpt-te.l.

And we thought," he con-

l'i vn> TV:

Ourm '

An fMfvoiwi Lowim.
Loom, with all it* charms.

rworat GOT* w

i*. it i*

tinned. " that if London were provided
with a really noticeable wedding<ake
normous." m ,d Mr. Bcimou
lgmn tic." said Mr. OuMim
robdingnsgian," said Mr.

with difficulty.

"A regular wln-pi-r. said
might Iwve the

Mr.

. . ; '

. .,

...m.-nt will
>i.l

[jAXtABY -'. 1

r London
beyond that."
Mr. (!' s/.Mti'. And in a

. .
r.Ii.,1 :iK T.-.'i...-nt wv t,..k our

iHHff * '

omslrea. such as efectnc haling
in ownibiMM, cigar lighter* on every

lamp-post without

much avad to date. 1
however, spring* eternal in
van our concrete bosom.

Bat thi* is a digression :
who are we to speak of our-
setas? It i the public men.
the mm of weight, whocount
in such matters. Ifr.Aioot-
ww Aflnox. lor example, who
wants to see more pilLir
bans ; Mr H <M ', who
would abolish barber* ; Mr.
Ik uai. who i* in favour
of a tramway in ererjr street
and peony atearoen on tin-
Banff""""' awl Hound Pood ;
M. le Chevalier i.'IxromuE,
who dalike* Scotland Yard
and would utterly rlitninate
Mr. Ciuuj* FmwMAiw.
who think* there are too few
hoarding* ; and Professor
and Mr*, '/jana, who rann.it
think bow it i* Hi* Muixnr
ha* only one London rwi-
drnrr in which to entertain.

These are inlereating sug-
l.ut iiin.of courne.

yoa think ao?"
\\Yagreedabaolir

oar practical buainea*
aat the really valuable

l.mia proceed.

f.* paid a morning call on

Ibaan. Oooun AV

whoae wedding -cakea are

femou* wherever matrimony
... . ...

LONDON.

(or t as
sod both, naturally, up to their eyes in

remats far London?" said
aa>. completing the steps o(

we have thought of many haven't we,

my." said Mr. Barn*.
r rumple? ' we asked tentatively,
tenurarioosly and v

11." said Mr. OCBUI

. . OOMMD, -then is

oar great wedding-cake scheme."

i Mr. Brarm with rapture,
iigisnd, as yoa know," pursued
Mr'. -. MSunWingfroti

.-*, and old maids," said Mr

OCR UNTRUSTWoltTHY AltTIST
or THK ALMCT
man. CuaarJ and Hunter.)

it necessarily a mere model," said
Mr. (iowuto. " It might lie hollow and
used for some practical purpose."

theatre, suggested Mr. Bowm.
" Or a garage," said Mr. Gusziun

ai.J Mr. Ik-vnau
" Or a concert hall," said we.
"Ah!"saidMr. OcRZAKDwith mthu
mtn and brio, " there you liave it. A
.joorrt hall. M ll.dl' "m

idf," lie ad.lwl, "is to t AlU-rt

1 1. ill. which is as much like a cake as

the

ON TOl K
THKBEwaaouo- aTli.-atrical \l<-\ :
t -iti. .11 of tl- So-iif from Zranfcoe wherein

, is man.'

l.v triil I'.v Coiul>at U-fon- the Grand
,,f theTempUus. In tl,.- .-.nir.-
of tin- Siaxv. in piteous white
|{,,IH-S aul with dishevelled
Hair stood the J
chain. <! i for jjivattT ,.ff. ,
tin- Stakt- at which, if ln-r

Chaini'ioii wtTf ansoooassful,

she was to be Imriifil alivi-.
(in tin- rxtiviiif KiK'ht tlit-
villain De Bois Ciullirrt sat
11 IK in a steed of sorts,
wiiiulrriiiK what on t-arth
\vonl.l hai'|"'ii whfii the thnv
Mout ini-ii -at anus from tin-
ailjaivnt Mews who rr.-l raiiifl
th.- Animal with tliflicnlty
>honlcl It-t it go. Aii'l on tin-
b-ft fnt.Tftl /r.in/i

n]Hin a Charger which, n.-arly
ns alarmed as the Ih-ro liim-
sflf. was only (li--ua'li-<l from
jumping into thfi'rclii^trahy
thf onuliiiHMl efforts of four
stalwart 1 .-^niresaccustomi'il
to shifting heavy sceiu-ry.
Anil whfii tin- lu-niMIr 1'n-
liminaries were OV.T ami
the Trumpets soonded the
Charge, not all thfi-iuleavours
of the three stout mm at arms
to give the horse of /' /
It-ail towards his Antagonist,
nor tlie total weight of the
fourstalwart K- pi.i. - a).].li.-.l
tothiTrarwanl .|iiartersof llie
Chainj.i.m's 8ti','<l avail' <1 at
all, out the two Combatants,
with lances level in the
resta, continued to whf'l

any hall ha* a right to bo, and place the
Albert Memorial on
yon have the perfect wedding-cake cake

Mr. (tCKZARD sank back in his (hair in

ph.
"I venture to say," remarked Mr.

round and round in divers parts of the
Stage, sweeping everylnidy therefrom,
in^', .if < ;. who was

chaine<l fast to the Stake. I'.ut after a

space e\en she. though prepared for a

certain amount of Martyrd .grew tired

of it, and tripping lightly away with the

adhering to the back of her
M. tight a more sheltered Situation amidthe

sympatli. '

,/. It
disregard

of tin- Audience.
s-'inetimes desirable to

"11,.- l.rlii.-'n ln-niitiful Indinn trouswau was

v (IcirinK r t. iln

dainty article* oontnui! ; >ly uiih the

rain and fog ouU. Titter.

MAST pwple WOold never have thought
df that.

JANTAKY L>, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.

Laird. "\VEEL, MACAUMER, AND HAVE YOU FOUND ANT OF THOSE STRAYED SHEEP YET?"

Maealister. " YESS. BUT I WAS FINDING THEM ALL AGAIN, SIR, WHATEWEB. AND I DID FIND TWO BY ITSELF AND ONE TOGETHER, AND THREE

ivn ONE nir MifipmRflnM*> I "

POLLY.

SHE 's dainty and trim
And straight and slim
In her winter frock.
Like a wind-touched field of grain
Her shimmering rippling mane
With many a wanton lock
Spreads

From her head's
Hounded crown
All the way down,
Past the nape of her lily neck,

With never a check,
Till close to her waist it makes a stay,
And breaks like a wave in a golden
spray.

She knows no fear,

And her eyes are clear,

Her grey-blue eyes

\\ ith their look of surprise.
And she talks
As she walks

Just about dolls and Queens and Kings,
And birds and dogs and delightful things,
Tilings that are kind and must be true,
That were done, she fancies, by me or you.
And oh just hear how her laughter rings

With shout upon shout,
When the old brown dog wh'o has seen

her pass
Conies hobble-de-hobble across the grass,

Or rolls about

In his funny ungainly spaniel style,
And then gets up with a broad dog-smile,
And stops and pants, for he 's rather fat,
Till he gets from her hand his prize, a pat.

She 's wise,
And she tries

To help in the house and everywhere.
If something 's got to be done,
Shaking her hair,
Till it streams in the air,
You should see her run
With an overmastering zeal
That you 'd think she could hardly feel,
For the tale of her years is only seven
Since she came, a promise of joy, from
Heaven.

Prattle,

Rattle

And tittle-tattle,

( 'hatter,
Patter,
As mad as a hatter,

That is the way it goes ;
And, oh ! you 'd never suppose
That little Miss Innocence giving you
For a toy [thanks

Or a joy,

With ih-niiircness written all over her face,
And never a hint of pranks,
Could shake off manners and put in their

place

Mischief, merriment, romps and tricks.
Scampers, tumbles, and trips and kicks,
And all in a moment's space.

But at last when the day
Is done and all her play

Has been played,
With her eyes still shining bright
Up she gets and, stepping light,
Marches off Good night, ( i<xl night !
Who 's afraid ? 1!. C. L

Save me from my friends.
"Tire many friends of Canon will
be glad to hear that, whilst he has some-
what nvovcml from his long illness, he
is still not allowed to take part in any
work, and remains confined to his
house." East Anglian Daily Timei.

CHAU1VAKI.

[JAM XKV L', i

OUR HUMBLE PRODIGIES.

1 w*" 1 . 'T 1 *'* '* n

HAT* Agency telegram from

bat niht^ the Palace
in every wv a pbenaoienal

nea Th.- -*. < *

Qaaena, tbe whole of the Boyal family
1 U- nrrt battalion of the Amawoa
att.oo-d tbeooooert, and expn-ed their
delight with exceptional cordiality.
Serinl ak were aacrifioed during the
count of the programme, and at the
doae tbe enthoataam waa quite unpre-
oedeled. Their Majesties repeatedly
embraced the gifted young virtuoso, and
pnnafi him with n RiranV, a
pip. with poisoned darta,and a bag of
raperb grape-nun (nnn th,- Hoyal
orchard. The Kiwi promised PICTR a
UK* umbrella, and ask-l wlx-tli.-r he
would like it green or pmk. Witt
lemarkable presence of mind tho child
t once exclaimed " pink.' at the same
gboring ut Queen Ni. IMB.UJIKATOE,

wboss spkodid albino nnuplexiou is one
of the most attrarmc f.-..iure of tho
Court. Tbe attendant Amazons were
deeply affected, and expressed their
gratitude in an impromptu war-dance,
fnln^iMiing in a scene of extraordinary
anthropophagic emotion.

SnbeequenUy, on his return voyage
: : '- ' i

nniim ***

oaDed at Saint Helena and gave a recital
i tbe Loagwood Assembly Rooms.
After h*h

" Kmprrvr " Coocrn .Bmurrt:.

who bad opportunely arrived on the
prerious day in his 10U.OOO h.p turbine
yacht BOIMIIM. KM from his fauieud.

wooder<*hild with it <
fur &O.OUU. < >u the f .Howing moniing
PIEI*. accompanied by the bunpUH
ruited tbe spot wbere tbe remains of the
Man of Destiny first rested, and deposited
upon it a gold snuff-box with the Hiniplc

from the Vicfc i i."

\ Halter', lelsgnun from Lhasa saya:

\ . i

Grand Isnanuj L>t Friday was an
pnoedeuted success. Tbe
tbe Teabn Lama, and the
itsry were present in their
robes,
of tbe parquet, wh

.
Ijtruu. weahby caagnates from Sikkim.

.mipted by diepL
and holn Lamaa repr.r
trated tbemsrlres at the feel

^^^^^^-^ ^~^^^

child virtuoso, and MssjMdMB
with a choice collection of obognpJM, a

k.' .. . N-.....I

of Tibetan oysters. The Teahu
a man of extraordinarily BOOM
Mance, promawd Vnu a full-sixed
__ and asked her whether she would
like' a blonde or a brunette. With
marvellous tact the child promptly replied
brunette," at the eame time archly
glancing at the Tealiu Lama, whose
iint raven beard, measuring 4 feet
2 inches from start to finish, is one of
the most influential assets of the for-
bid ! :. ' .'

On Uie following day VUIA I
made an interesting pilgrimage in com-
pany with I'r. SU.N BsWX, who is,
needless to aay, one of her greatest
admirers, to the tomb nf< ALEX-

AXDGB THB GUKAT. who. it is not gem-rally
knovn, perishe<l in the attempt to force
his way into Lhasa, his remains bong
interred in a cenotaph just outside the
city walls. TheecenewaBextntordiiuinly
touching, several Yaka being r.->
in a state of partial hysterics when \ u:v
laid on Uie innuortal warrior's tomb a
sheaf of press notices and a broken
E string with the poignant inscription :
the SuniM'it of the KoM, humbly,
fp.m the Infant I Mm."

I lie iKihn Lima has just con
f,-rrv: SYMKI*: the honorific-

title of /'nuJibimha.

A w in-less telegram from Tokio says :
umisKKEK P. WANAUAXEK, Uie won-
derful American loy-tlautist. gave a
concert on Tuesday at Tokio. The
ntm and Emnsa, tbe Hear Appmet

Marquis I to. Harou SIYKMUSI, and
General OKI wen- present, and expressed
the moat* unbounded satisfaction with

Uie performan. I M' having

(ueiitly to IK.' removed to a

willK to the \ i. .leniv nf his ClllOl iollH.

Their Majt-siii-H n-| i at.-dlv renuirked
"Hara-kiri" (Jr., "encore"., and pre-
sented the young performer with an
accordion-pleated kimono and a Lirge
decanter of Tatch.-. (hi the following
morning MELCHUREHPC, though far from

Tin:

led,

i',,iiu- tlie ^'.iiiel parents dread ;

1'aN- and \i>H>ly ili-tendrd

Milious TOMMY li-s in i
Face to face with l{.-trilpiiti<>ii
And an < .ntraged couatittition.

What a .-han^e -i:

TOMMY .swiftly juit away
Thr.v enormous J-.H-S of Tui

At the fr.i.-t on I'hri.sti
(letting by judici"ii>
Ik.iilile quantities of

As to pudding, who could reckon
TOMMY'S load in terms of M/.eV
Who .ilt.'lll|.l to keep a check oil

TOMMY'S nnmberleBe mince :
Hopeless task! Mi- pr.-s.-nt p.dl-r
Proves his prodigies of valour.

Then I found him. notwitliManding

Such coloN<l f.ais as I:
Alter dinner on the binding
,.-tly devouring cheese,

M.inke.1 iiy ginger-beer-and-ooft

\\itli a Klali of toffee.

in tiling ' v ~n

well, went w ith 1km. n Si u \i v.
he tomb of HOKI -M and laid npn it a

.tli the touching ii
.> great man, humbly, from the

Tax I '.' inch Blush of a cableas London
caused the dissipation of a numl
cherished illusions but Wednesday and

iolitf oil,.

1 'I'!. .it the I/indoii H iiicils

can show inteUigeix < h.

f UIH-IllploMI

I > mill 111 cabby is a sports-

to In- ciii-ouni^:
h.ird til'.- -

I, his uncle, gave him warning.

Showed the error of his w..
llinti-<l at to-morrow niorninu.

Talkeil alM'iit my Imyhood's da\.-;
All in vain 1 uav.-.! the !
He despised me as a fv

Well, i-crh.ips the pains he suffers
May be gifts of Fairy tfild.
lie no u -a\s. -i hdy <liilT.-r.s
; as much as they can hold."
Thus, through physic and privations,
TOMMY learns his limitai

CHARIVARIA.

ORDERS have been issued for the

destruction of Army Stor.-s in South

Africa to the vain. '"<'. on the

grouml that they have so fanl-

as to ! unlit for consumption. < hie

cannot led too grateful that in t!ie-e

,y it did not occur to the

uthorities to transfer th.-s.- proriaiona

o the Volnnt. -i

The crisis in (lermaiiy has induced
me of the more enterprising of our
llustrated journals to publish a jortrait
.f the KM-UI. lie i- a rather lien-e-

^ gentleman of a distinctly Teu-
tonic coiinlenain-e, and his

ichc is arranged in the well known

st\le.

W. . Lhelp thinking that in

.juarters dislike of the l'p|MT II
larrii-.! IM-\OIII! the limits of commou-
.ince, the other day Tin'
Ikiily .Vrir*. in discnssinj; the attitude

of tin- I/. r.l- to t!i'- Education Hill,

I'lnalked, "They have altered more

MI the original Hill."

JANUARY 2, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

UNANSWERABLE LOGIC.

Well-meaning Humanitarian. " WIIY ARE TOO BEATING THE POOR DOXKEY IK THAT WAT ? "
Coster (with icitherinrj scorn). "AND A BLOOMIN' LOT o' GOOD IT 'UD DO BEATIN' TUB CAH KII ? "

Tliere is no doubt, a correspondent
points out, that the Lords arc now really
[lightened, and, in support of his con-
tention, he mentions how few of them
are now to be seen walking about in
their coronets and robes. They are
skulking in mufti.

Scrvia is obviously tiring of King
PKTKK, and we understand that all future
monarchs who may be engaged by that
State will be given clearly to understand
that they arc liable to be dismissed
m a month's notice, or on payment of a
month's wages in lieu of notice.

Nature, it is well known, resents any
nterference with her laws. We have
ust had a striking example of this. A
theatrical company at, Warrin^toii suc-
ceeded in producing Sunday on Monday.
The following day the theatre was burnt
town.

We hear that the promoters of the
iVorld's Fair are threatened with litiga-
ion. It is said that no less a personage
han the German KMPEKOR has taken

exception to one of the performers named
CAICEDO calling himself "The Monarch
of the Wire."

News reaches us of a novelty in
Amateur Theatricals. A distinguished
party of ladies and gentlemen is about
to produce The Forty Thieves, and, to
give the rendering an air of realism,
each of the forty performers constituting
the title role is to be a real Company
Promoter.

A shoemaker of Newport, Monmouth,
has died at the age of 103. Had he
lived another hundred years he would
have reached the enormous age of 203.

Mr. Justice B.UJC.IJAVK DKAXE has stated
that no man ought to strike his wife,
and it. is rumoured that his Court is to
be placarded with notices bearing the
words, " I forbid the bangs \ "

We are sorry to hear that subscriptions
to Institutions for the Deaf showed a
[alh'ng-off last year, but we think we

know the reason. It is beginning to
be realised that, in these days of motor-
omnibuses, deafness is no longer an
unmitigated affliction.

An old gentleman, who was an in-
voluntary participant in some snow-
balling last week, noticed with regret
a distinct improvement in the marks-
manship of the youth of the nation.

A foolish old lady who has been read-
ing about the Navy writes to ask us
whether it is a fact that Liberty men
wear art serges.

And an even more ignorant corre-
spondent asks whether the Sud express
from Paris to Lisbon has any connection
with the Soap Trust.

The Seats of the Mighty.

' TIip Council then sat as a committee on
.he jubilee footpalh from Kippfonl to Rock-
cliffe." Local Paper.

A PLEASANT interlude in the day's
business.

ITM-H. <>K TIIK LONDON CHARIVAR

r-._r "Vma't na wwo trim CT a* nt HIKE?"

"*;<r TBAT ' A TAE COTEI, w CAM OIIE or THE WHEELS oo WPONO."

fa^tr. - r iii I' A-ner 'oao* ros IB rim TEA, A' I KETE I-AMIED A WAE LEO rot OXE or i

T1IE FULL MAX.

TV .trrmir. Fi^iAlIMn . . fill. hi.
* lumber nl mrkr m^ngff and
faolll rmto. ud by tbe
U fcMnd wlMl li broariM atUrtf
Hnnk... vwi*. ud i. ni^-muned. ny
di.U.U-fl

ly rain ray cuffet^cup appeals

With mriflljr ooaling dregi ;
Tb* bacon on my pkte ooofntU

Amoog Uwicycgoi;
The loMt grow* tough; nv nul dudaina
Tb0 drrilW kidoqm' cold mnairw,
So grwdily do I pmm

. C Ule of football news.

I loaf to know pneiMly who
Will Uk* the field Uxiar.
And what tbe Springboks roran to do

AndhowJivJtrmrcrackr-
When pkying centre-hark f r Mull.

.inre, a \

jroa

.r an unexfrrtol 1 .
BILLT Baowx ol Pa-ra.

Iwirn when he is training hard

cj.lc fil in bread and lanl,
nl luiw lu- ri* with the lark

' t:tkr a run in Kichniond Park.

know his measure rouu<l the choet,
His \u-\n\\t, his weight I know,
\ii'l lii-n he weara a woolly vest,

I when :i c;ilii

In- kind of l-u that lie prefers,
\iiil why In- (li'ln't j"in tin- 'Sj
\n<l how it w;i>* he failwl to M
\t T.ifiu-11 I'ark in 1

r the atory of his rise,
v many timea he's played,
iany goala, how many tries,
How many fouls he 'a made.

IPS deck my wall
BILL Baowx th- f them all-

Some are plain photographs of Hn i .
-ome, though coloured, plain. T Mill

When news ao thrilling ami --Mime
My morning paper brings,

n^ time

BIIXT Bnf

The Journalistic Touch.

tho most aihnir.'<l frati;:
he programme wen- the S|';mi>h ilam-i-
md the minuet nit prai-efnlly per-
ormed on all h

FBOJI the First I>eague Results in Tlif
Mail :

WOOLWICH \ i, I r.VKUToX T-VMI

[.Sstterthn.. [Sharp.]

This appears (cjiiite rightly, we think:

m<l'T the In-ailing " I'mlifir Scoring."

: MII- i^ iinli-<-l to !

"A \V<i.l I)ri'!;frl k' 1 nilfinrin t'll an
.mu.ing glory of an inciilml tvliiili to-

)i i)i>- course of aonran he wu making
in a certain district. The door nf a lioune was
opened to him liy tin- inmnl, to whom he ex-

V.-s,' hai'i the

man cam i<nily, in an undrrtonp, ' it ' all rilit :

i wi> I'm n jmlilir nflii-ial. and I have- tu

f tin- humour lii-<

;n tin : ' I'l, wlndi I

I.U-ny tr> divuljTP."- \"/i

f. It all tho linio that the writer
Birthing back. Somehow,
as it Ptaiuls. the point of the ( on-
to lack pungency.

, OK TUB LONDON CHARIVARI. JVM.UIV 1, 1907.

HANDS BENEATH THE SEA.

FATHER NEPTCXE. "LOOK HERE, MADAM. I'VE KEEN YOUR PROTECTOR ALL THESE YEARS, AND NOW I HEAR
YOU THINK OF UNDERMINING MY POWER."

BRITANNIA. " WELL, THE FACT IS I WANT TO SEE MORE OF MY FRIENDS OVER THERE, AND I NEVER LOOK
MY BEST WHEN I'VE BEEN SEA-SICK."

JANUARY 2, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

RE-INSTATING CHRISTMAS.

Broadlands,

DAPIINK, I'idn't I tell you
that, in my new position, with unlimited
easli :\t my back, 1 meant to bring off
some big things? I've begun already,
though only two months married. I've
Re-instated Christmas, with my Yuletide
7iViv/.s- at Hr'Hiilltitiilx. Yes, my dear,
thanks to your own HuxniE, Christmas
will no longer be voted poky and middle-
class. I got together a lovely crowd, and
we put in a. simply ripping time, liosii
and WKK-WKK came, of course, and
among the mob was that old <Ic(ir.
Colonel JEIIMVK, with his sister, who,
though middle-aged and with then-mains
of considerable ugliness, is a right-down
good sort, warranted to make things
simmer anywhere. Aunt GOLDIE refused

at first, but NORTY accepted, so, like a

dutiful wife, she decided to follow her
husband.

We'd holly and mistletoe everywhere,
a ^reat yule log burning in the hall, and
all the traditional dishes at dinner, with
snapdragon afterwards. Christmas K\c
we all hung out our socks and stockings,
and went round putting the most absurd
things we could think of into them.
though H>sii said nothing we could />/
in would be so absurd as what had been
taken out of some of them.

I revived all the old Christinas customs
I could think of. The Vicaress hen- and
some of the other local people helped me.
The Waits came, and sang carols and
things, and wo had them in and gave
them wassail.

NORTY criticised them and their sing-
ing unmercifully, said their /<<< were
wrong, and they were fraudulent \\'niln
liable to be indicted under the Act.

I gave them all a Inn-li/ surprise on
Christmas night. The Mummers came
round (they were the same village
creatures as the Waits ; the Vicaress and
I had drilled them, and I got their
dresses from town). They came into the
hall and went on just as the Mummers
used to go on in the Middle Ages. NORTY
said they didn't mum properly and that
one of them was tipsy, which I think was
distinctly horrid of him.

Then, when the Miimmrrx were gone,
WO Sat round the Yule l/igand roasted
chestnuts and told stories fact
fiction but they had to be original -
ias NoitTY, who was at his very wittiest,
said, the chestnuts we were roasting
were the only ones allowed). Bosn told
rather a risky one, but Miss JKHMYN
beat him out of sight. JOSI.MI frowned
instead of laughing, but nobody notices
what he docs.

Noitrv was quite wonderful in finding
out old Christmas games for us to play.
I'd no idea he was so learned or thai
people all that time ago had such

FIH.VT IMPRESSIONS.

I'ri-H. /'-*-r-/-/. "My! if lie siin't just a daisy ! Most atlr.iclive personally, I do declare!
llopr I shan't g,-t kin 1 cr hitched up in them eyebrow 'rrangi-menU ! "

I'ruf. I'r-i-e. " ll'm ! nice pleasant expression. Our who was not a purist in lanKiiafir>
might almost describe him a a 'pearli.' l>e\clnpmenl of the teeth 8iiggP8t8 tenacity and
strength of character. Well, well ! we must try to avoid them ! "

good notion of amusing themselves.
(Hosii remarked to me that there was
nothing to be surprised at in NORTY
knowing so much of such things, for,
by his marriage, he had proved himself
quite an antiquarian.)

He constituted himself Lord of Mis-
rule, and set us all playing the most
absurd old games. He said people used
to play them in the thirteenth and four-
teenth centuries. JOSIAII turned glumpy
and said he didn't believe they were
ever played, then or at any other time,
and Aunt GOIJMK backed him up. Poor
thing, she had tried desperately hard
all day to be young and keep pace with
us. but she couldn't stay the distance,
she was short of gallops from the first,
and at last crumpled up entirely and
vanished to the upper regions.

Everyone's been so sweet, loading
me with congrats on my success in
gett ing Christmasout of thelumber-room.
The " Sideglancer," the " Peeress " and
West-Knd Whispers " have all written
to ask for interviews and photos, and
they want me to send them articles on
Christmas as an Opportunity for
Hostesses," "Christmas Hedivivus," and
so on. WKK-WEE says that that little
Mrs. JIMMY SILVRPE will be green and
yellow with envy.

It seems a pity, just as I'm enjoying
such a bla/e of triumph, that .Insivii
and 1 should have had our lirst no.
not (/mim 1 /, I never quarrel, it 's d*>

much trouble but he l>egan tocoiupliiin
of certain Christmas customs, the nnstlc-
t(x^ and all that, you know.

"Why," 1 said, "you ought to be
iiiinii'iixrlij proud that your wife has
brought back Christmas. And you
ought to rerercncf all those old Yuletide
customs. Don't you know that we get
the mistletoe and all its privileges direct
from the Druids ? "

And he actually said the Druids might
be lomethimjrd, and that, if they sot all
that nonsense going, they ought to have
been ashamed of themselves. And he
went on to say, " Such romping and
flirting may be pardonable in boys and
girls, but men ought to have more sense,
and marrifd iromen more reserve and
dignity. And I tell you plainly,
1'ii.AMHK," he wound up, "that I effect
those qualities in my wife."

"Reserve? D'ujniti/.'" 1 cried. " My
denr man, where do you pick up these
weird, old-world expressions? And. if
you wanted those, qualities in your wife.
why on cnrlh didn't you look for her in
the Middle Classes ? ' He said no m. >re,
and neither can I just now, except that
I'm Kver thine, BLAN< m:.

P.S. I'm afraid I see symptoms in
JOSUH of being rude to NORTY- such
bad form, you know, in his own house 1
and so ungrateful too, for it was thnm-li
Noiiiv he first got a footing in Society
and met Mi' !

bhek

I il J( Ml " "

| M .riH'tii:d wet Mack mud ll^'ii tliclll.
.. y, i " I know th.-m both.

satin with

,liv.-

"I 1 " 11 '' ; ""'
Mack paws with

Jfoiiimy Emflayf. " Naow then, 'urry up. Sir!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.

" There 'B that bill of my tailor's," I
said earnestly. "The fellow lias cer-

WM silent nnd thoughtful, awl tainly expressed his wishes crudely, hut

d no pretence at all of following my 1 really tliink

vuivrnali.ii I knew that it wag not "Please try to be sensible," she mad

brilliant, hut it wan. after all. my U-st ; quite severely. " 1 wasn't joking at all.

ami all bonent LiU-ur i* worthy of some M.nvever, since

alight reward. " Then 1 will be serious, too," I said

I bad given her my views upon the with Midden courage. "I want to tell

theatre*, ami t-he hall smiled sym|<i- you my one great Good Intention. I

thetically and mid. OH though agreeing want 1 want "

with my rvnwrka, tlint she had Ui " I think, if you don't mind, I should

many when poor Mr. I'AIHIIKU^UAXXEB.- like to tell you mine," she said, as I

AX lost bu Mat in Uoncbmti r. gasped and groped for words. " I am

I . r.ima hurriedly, to toueh going to conquer all my faults, of

with a light band upon the Suffrage for course "

I * __n_n_T_T^ A >.Blr xvf nni i>PMvnr> fgn t ti \t\

..,-.._... and ahe said that she II.K! not
ret been able to get it from that lireaorae
library. Then I turned to my iiM-iiea,
drawing in nuulerly style ii|.n that un-
failing hank the W-.ith<-r. nnd at tliatahe
did muM hcwlf frum her almtraction.

i 1 if yon cannot d<> i-n.r tlian
tl.r Forecast," abe Mid indignant I
hall really hare to try ***" '

It aeems a work of supererogation,"
1 murmured very humbly.

" I don't quite know what that means,"
be answered coldly. " But I suppose

it's something sarcastic and ~

However, no one can do more than tlirir
U*t. Hut besides my faults 1

i't unite make up my mind what to
do al x 'Ui

What is it that you can't divide
your (range, unnatural nliout ? " I a> '

" Why. I can't divide whether to

"If yon only would!*" I implored
her. " It WM your tnugs, unnatural

VM thinking." alie K
"b/.

iuM rum

I atared at her
I had no gau.

'pt one. I had

burn Boring my coumgr for the kat

Boring my cc
nka. I caught

V M a

iman I caught at flippancy
drowning Milor catcbea at another,

' pay more

:- Uie question of
instance. 1

harmless i

I Kiiil indulgently.

" Ab ! you sn< irw." she

_Jd. " Unt l-t mi- ti-ll you what
happened fn>m rn<t lining it. You know
Aunt .ink. and you. know her

ddiil lirightlr. Aunt .TANK wears

One of tin-- days .-he'll pciMiade

. a ... .;. | 8 with hex once tori

often."

She stared at me for a moment
indignantly, then she smiled with a

-training gravity.

You mean Hijoti, of course? she
said. " l-'or a moment I thon-'

|H-aking of dear Aunt .1 VM ' I'-ut
Hijnii will never shake hands with any-

Bhe'i d,

1 expressed regret hy a slight hut
efTivtive pantomime.

Y.-s. she's dead." she continu.il,
"and perhaps she might have
saved. Aunt .1 \NK told me at-
herself, and we Ix.th crieil. One morn-
ing a week ago Hijoii was frisking
around In i MI; and happy, and

Aunt .1 ASK said out loud. ' How well and
young my darling's looking! Slie was
In'tter in all her life.' -I"-/ *''<'
forgot to toucJt uinl ! "

1 looked a question.

" Kiin over l>y a horrid, horrid motor-
car within the week," she answers!
s;idly. " And. as Aunt .1 \N,
migilt have been saved. So. \..n see.

.linly proves that wil ought to
U- touched whenever ]x*vsilile. !'
it might do good, and it la so easy to
do. Hut then there was the case of the
-alt at dinner the other day. 1 spilt
and then threw it over my left
shoulder. 1 acted for the hest. and yet
a good deal of trouble came of it. I low
to know that PARKINS was standing
U'hind me?"

Well ? " I said sympathetically.
"Yes, she went! Yon know what
servaii' She told mother that it

might not have IKVII intentional, hut
she really didn't (are to ri>k it again.
And she was such a perfect maid !

"So what are you to do?" she went
on, and her forehead was wrinkled in the
most charming fashion. ' Neglecting
one precaution kills ]K.r Hijou, and
taking another almost Minds poor PAK-

What is one to do for the licst ?
1 think it was those delightful wrinkles
that ga\e me courage.

I don't know a little hit." I said ;
hut I will give the matter earne.-l
,t. and 1 will cling to or discard

rstilion in the world :\
shall chi>se, if you will only listen to
my own great tlixxl Intention

"Well if I must." slie said patiently.

*****
At the end of a satisfactory interview-
she announced it as her conviction that
.uld lie happy ever afterwards.
Then :::lnTcd that she had heen

ng nnd ought to touch Wood. So
she tapped me on the head.

JANUARY 2, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Lfi

A YEAR'S REGRETS.

If only I kail Men tk trJ>.

If only I kad not teen lighting up.

only I U) ki.VJ.

. tk. k.ll.

If oaly I kftJ J>lay J forward inHtid of tacit.

If only tkc cork k*J not com* out of tkt kottle.

If only I katl kung on to

If only I kaJ kept my eye on tke t.ll inrte.J of tke girl. tke punt inrteaj of tke pole. If only I k.J killed fcefore

IT NTH, OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.

Till
7fc T*aily Krprru of December SO

of young carol-cadgers.

Uw training

H i '

ing

.. about <

time. We an- fortunate in obuin-
Ji <lraflol prospectus <( thf

Prutrsft m. (ofdi>

educational mnrrir> \*-g* to inform the

. -.'.-

of the Metropolis and Suburbs that he
has returned to town from m lengthy
walking tour in the Province*. .<
aow prepared to muroe his winter
eoune of Lectures.

The subjects of instruction include :
Variations on three

well - k nown

Hymn tunes, or.

How to sing in

several k-

holidays is sotnew
depends on the length of tin-
served elsewhere by the Professor.
The Carol-Cadgers' Academy
leuominnlioiuil ami n<
-

difficulties occur wi ih r

n Act.
Principal diacv

PS. 1'upil-t an- caulione.l ;i^.un-t

ills.lddre.-Nr, III the I'ollcf.

TIIK SI AT1.SMAN AS IN VKNT" !;.
THK " Halfour seat-*tick," devised l.y
the late PWME MIM-IHI and Mr
W\HMV and fully described m Uif

Time' >' -r -'-. i- ""' l1 " 1 ""'>

instance of m.vliainc.d inventr

highly-placed j-oliticians.

The dettrery of the
rrs-spoadiBg

nws with a .In.
disregard of tlu-ir

The Art of

n. or Muring
fie Cn|ipen.

CsnJlinK mi.
holm, with 1
on bring Kuk
I

Some Useful
partees, on being
sent empty away

The MuMcs! Treat
men! of Arias,
including Area-
sneaking.
I. -

an Aid to Money
making.

The Borrowed
Baby, and where
to Pinch it within

Will.- j--].iil:irity is :iK) antii-ipai-

n.-r's Knot." a portable
(-.mlrivan.-i- which .-nahl- of

ordinary ).liyM.|ii.- I" In-iM any article,

, r.ul M-nlll.- I" .1 ^r.ind IM..-
to his luck and carry il without ! .

Tli,- " 1.1 ' ' r '

which ill.- PWBWnn o- mi: I'..M:I> .'K
. with lli.-

,,f ji, :.. i^ a remarkabi]

an.) 1. 1~!. -fill roiiiliinalion of a conductor's

;ind a life |.r.--.Tv.-r. tin- i
knoh U-inK r.-inovalil.- wh.-n lh.- i
ii.ciit is n-'iuin^l for In-alin^ tiiu.- durin

.- of anth.-in.s. hyni!
Tin- " Win-ton Auto-Con
charming Intl.- toy .which t:

.
run th<- ^r.uiiojihoii.- hard in popularity,

utter how iiii-
" r '-
ca]ialil>-, to Mow his
own IriiinjH-t with-
out tin- slight.--!
.-(Tort. NOIII- an-
i,'.-nninc without the
si^Mialnri' of tin-
I'M. i -i! Si i mi utY

KoR 1IIK Co.

-tani|.-d on the
moatnpieoe.

Jaryr.
DO TBR *ti ? '

OUJoe. " WOT. wnu* ma

"WHO'S WHO" IN THE WEST.

Ol DC '** TILL 18 TT ' MAKE TH CoUWEL A ' M.V.O.' NOW WHET

Mocoirr OT? ' Monrrt o 1 Vox-'Ocsros.' TO BE SOEB!'

"Tm H
l.r.i.i i'!
eipresaed opposite

II.- li.i i
f.umluir with

:ui.l li" lli.'iiKli!
theagil.iiH'ii ("f n-fiinn

: IlillK

of I Jttln proceedixl f rmu

I>r (il

adverse to tin- n>

ffOfk.

eanbot of the In th.- course of a m-.-nt tour of the m.uiice Dr.

would kindly

nam.- in any

Philanthropic. WiM Knd shops, Mr. I'unch's n'pntw-n- the other qui-stion would settle r

Bow to sruid being Pinched (by the tative ascertained that quite a numln -r

The Whole Theon of being a PuMu

W * t^rwi

Piuatssor FMJW receives punils of any
age from three years upwards, exhiln-
tinos being granted to Infants in arms.
The third and fourth cadgers of a bat

of useful impleinents liave Ixt-n j..r

and i. laced on the To Til : or no: M\k-ni S llool.

..K l'in-!ii-.\i. Ci i. n

by eminent

mark

-^bery Spade^Oate,' which
ingeniously combines these two u^-fnl
artirlrs, will no doubt t>ro\e an

l.ible boon to thorn- who unite a

pay half-fees, which in ordinary canrs for1iKririiltur.il lalxxiruith a ]..irti:dity
are the price >( a j 4 c>( lierr

and SO per cent. extra with wordn. 'I ' K.-ir ll.irdi> liJ^ad,"

I from d. in _

licalions fur admiiwio: l>> the the hil.ur

ade at Si :ty. i a weaj-m of ih.- thrusting

i'arrntu c>r (iuanlim -.vith an cxtraor.lin.inl-. ! ! \ kl : Pun Thus

'. and wh.-n Middi-nly du^ when \\.- consider the VNOHMOIS nilvan-

ales or Character. 'Flu- into the Hunk or tin- hump of ~nltin# from Life Assurance to

->n is the possessinn of a calcitrant l.-ad.-r |r !-;..- tin- d.--n.d iho>.- who die s<n ... it Ix-comes
jir <if InniT 1 - The iltiratki of the iMOJIiritli quite antoni^hing rapidity. abundantly plain," Ao.

I'l.-asi- stop my HIM. from ha\ in^
il Tort ure. ( >ur house is badly
Imill and HIM. lix.-s his d.-vi-lejM-r in a
fr.-sh ].l.ic.- , \.-ry \\.-.-k.

Sin. After thro- inonllis

S-h..l of I'hysieal Culture.

m.- thr.-e month-

JANUARY 2, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Under
Jight-

A CHRISTMAS COLD.

THE moment I heard HARRY'S key in
the door I was conscious of a presenti-
ment of evil ; then lie sneezed, and a
sinister shadow like a pall settled over
our home. He had come home with a
cold, and it was Christmas Eve.
ordinary conditions HARRY
hearted and lovable, but only
his nearest and dearest, that 'a
me, can testify how a common
cold changes his character,
and really, if he had caught
one during our fianceehood, I
doubt if 1 should have married
him.

Omitting his usual greeting
as he entered the room, he
strode to the fire, and sweep-
ing aside the Christmas cards
I had arranged on the mantel-
piece to gladden his eye, de-
manded with a fierce glare
" If we were short of coals, or
what ? " I did not mention
by name the disaster that had
befallen us, but heaped coals
on the fire and tenderly sug-
gested ainmoniated quinine.
He shook his head. " It must
take its course," he replied
darkly. My heart sank ; I
knew that course so well.

" Then I 'd better wire to
say we can't go to-morrow," I
said. We were going to a
Christmas family party.

" You can go," he replied.
" Of course I shan't."

" Then of course I shan't,"
I said ; " but the servants are
all going out."

" Let them go," he replied.
" We shan't want them.
You 'd better keep ELIZA in."

" There 's nothing much to
eat in the house," I said
dubiously.

" We shan't want anything,"
he said. " You don't suppose
1 can eat with this cold?"

" Well er perhaps ELIZA
can," I suggested meekly.

" She 'd better get a turkey
and a brace of pheasants for
herself, then," he remarked
with bitter irony, and feeling
rather put out myself I gave
ELIZA some money and told her to get
something extra, just what she liked.
Taking me at my word, she purchased
three boxes of crackers and a cake.

For the rest of the evening HARRY sat
silently brooding over the fire, and
sniffing at regular intervals of twenty
seconds ; twice he sneezed in a strangled
manner that brought relief to neither of
us, and three times he swore at the
servants because they opened the door

when they came into the room. At
dinner he burst into conversation

"What's this?" he asked wearily,
glowering at his plate.

"Cod," I replied.

"It tastes like sodden wood," he said ;
" take it away." But that was when In-
had eaten the greater part of it, and in
spite of laying down his knife and fork

DURING THE GREAT SNOW-STORM SCENE

The Wanderer (sotto race). " IF THFSE S.VOWFLAKES KF.FJ> ON CATOHING

ALIGHT, WE 8HAI.L HAVE THE BAI.LY BHOW ON FIRE ! "

I '11 look at them later," wlieii I presented
my Christmas gifts. His c .M had
apparently reached the second stage,
for he spent the morning savagely \i\n\\--
ing his nose, ami heaving such heart
tearing sighs that I was obliged to go
down to the kitchen and pull a few
cracker^ with ELIZA to keep my spirits up.
After lunch, when I shared the
menu of beef-tea and gruel,
to save trouble, the third
phase made its appeal
lie no longer sat by the tire.
but strode up and down the
room, sounding his chest with
his fist, and making i-.incini-
noises in his throat. lint
after tea he subside I again in
his chair, and sat with his
eyes closed and the tips of his
right-hand fingers on tin-
pulse of his left wrist, while I
read "God's (!<XM| Man. "ami
tried to forget it was Christ-
mas night. Suddenly he
sprang to his feet, and seiz-
ing the Stores price list Ix-jjan
Studying its contents. This
was a new and welcome phase
I hoped it meant a renewed
interest in life, and also that
In- had suddenly rememlx-red
he had not bought nie a
Christmas present. Rising
quietly, I peeped over his
shoulder; he closed the lxx>k
hastily, but not before 1 had
seen, with a horrid pang, that
it was open at the illustrated
price list of monumental head
stones, and I hurried down-
stairs again to pull a few more
crackers, but found Eu/i had
a friend in the kitchen, so
wandered back again.

At dinner he refused all the
invalid dishes, though Ki.i/v
had thoughtfully trimmed
them with holly, but hel|>od
himself bountifully to maca-
roni cheese. An hour later,
in a gentle submissive voice
that brought the tears to my
eyes, he asked for a kettle of
boiling water, a large soda-
water glass and a lemon.
With these he mixed himself

occasionally to take a deep breath lie
really made quite a good meal. After-
wards he retired for a hot bath and to
sleep between blankets, and I sent out
half-a-crown to the Waits to ask them to
go away, as there was sickness in the
house.

On Christmas morning he came down
to breakfast in his overcoat, remarking
grimly " About the same," in answer to
tentative enquiries, and " Much obliged,

a huge quantum of hot nun ;

and in the bilious attack
that followed I am thankful to say the
cold was forgotten.

"I may perhaps venture to point out that
JAMES THE SEVENTH o Scotland ami
Kn^laiid was not the great grandson of Queen
MANY, but her great grand nephew, bm- 1
her great graml-mi CHARLES THE SECOND." "A
Scottish Baronet " in Modern Society.

Ansver to " Scottish Baronet." Your
uprights were correct, but one of the
lights was missing. Try again next week.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
( JJ, Mr. PUN*'* Btaf of Lttmud

T1 MoeVrn Hey. by Mra. V Oa .HPMAX

_ ux.). is a collection of comfortable little tales in aket
which reflect a eafioent knowledge and observat

Kit overmach analysis. They are told at break
led. and it is all over every time before you can get
TUUT aeoond wind. They remind me, too, of a box of aaaorted
sweeu where each destroys the taste of the one before, and it
doesn't matter because the next ia just ae good and is going
to do just the same. If distinction ie possible, the Comedies
an beat, and " Freddie's Engagement" perhaps the beet of
these . Tragedies are also good, when they are not too

obvious, and when they give Mrs. Cunoto a chance for her

pIseaMl gift ( evni.-.d humour .,. m r'.dw.ird Brim-m's

Return." One feature of the book is its needlessly precise And *... and soon.

Mil

,. w a page ,,f birtbry, a.,,1 Mr HKAIUY illumr

P. pie's wratl

is a page o .." .
graphic touches conveyed from the writing of

men and wdmcu who t..,k part in the .["''"

Mr ,1 . Inok. N I B '" lliv -

ation tionof iiui.e rcmarkal, j " '' <-' K '

title from i manner of speak

- lihran- in itself, and an intelligent knack of pn.pi.

.1 11? 1.1. ..ft tin

n>e U)

.11. lliles

overhear the public librarians of the near fnl

delivering some such scraps of conversation -^ the follow
- Kmivi. madam? Something typical? H.-n- 8 the

thing. Uoani ' '"' 1 9J ". .V'r

full of recondite, yet interesting, t.vhm, air
Wins Sir v The s-ientilic line plausible impossibilities
Certainly. V page 117 'The Shadow and

1 ;! varn alxmt two invisible men who kill each oi
There an- s. \, r.d oil.-

ini_-l.t at

think that thi* i "The Ifcxlern
though I doubt if the
title is otherwise always ap-
plicable. Certainly the hook

on nothing about bridgi
or motors, and still leai about
hallooM and aeroplanes; it
luoka a* if, ;I(IT all. the " way

nian with a maid " can
..till dispense with theae pro-
perties.

Mr. BUDBT acknowl<
hia indrbtedntMS to >

. prince among diarwU.
[or the matenals from which
be paints hia picture of Thf
Grtat ItayM of Vrrta'Mef
u. Kum*) He does not
confine himself to that source,
drawing upon other, happily
the

MiT, DtBHIT

or THE PIT."
, "XirltoUon't XIm.in-i.-fc "/ S;wr(."

result ia a full, picturesque, personal record

life and doings which, if they did not belong to undisputed of Army
history, might be suspected aa the work of SWIFT in his most
nalevulrat u..l. For seventy-two years l>-i i- HIK F.nu-
nzmi not only reigned in France but mk-l. It i- almost
unpoamible (or men in these days to realise the completeness
of bU auurrary. We find aome travesty of it in the vagaries
of the German Kumna. But ho is restrained to a certain
extent by public opinion and the criticisms of the Press.
The eommonplace. curiously ignorant person, abjectly hailed
ae LB (huuo> MOUMCI. waa free from such bonds. He was

of War Ministers of our tim.-s
Reform which, like

if they like, to make u-e of my
mono! i he fact is that

the author, intlm-m d. doubt-
v the trend ill popular

ii;is iincoiix ioiisly hap-
I i-neil uj-on a number of dis-
tinct veins, and he 1
each of them as well
they were his own familiar
Northern Wild. I vent
commend him to maga/nie
editors who are an\io
nil nee their 1 'titri-

Mi: I'xn.-li'* Military I
tells him that Mr. A

FIII;>IH;'S Tl" .\riinf in
Mu;: primarily the

i ,.f .,11 honest attempt
by one of the Ix-st abused
to deal with the problem
tin- i M much with

w.-re

this Umk. wiiich must lu-
st might forward explanation,
. i , .-me. It \\ill

had only the inaccurate

abaokile neater, not only of the deetiniea ol but of

us as ever. That Mr.

miMiiidcrMiid i- clear from

regarded as a plain and

rather than a defence, of

l welcoiiie<l liy all who have

dednctioi : 'iaini-iit and the l'n>8S on which to

their opinions. Tl.,- M..II-.- of Cnii:i a whole.

been lace economy alovc dhcicncy ; to a. . ept

the formula '2-1+2- ?> withool dc'. I 1 .' I ,81

welcome any boup-truxt aubftituiion of lift<-*-n omu-es fr one

the hourly actions of the Court that surrounded him. From ]mnd NO long as there is an effective catch phra-r on the
the time be IUM in the morning till he went t<> bed, attended wrapper.

Advocates of compul ice will find tin- arguments

against their the. -ry H-t out herein :, i and forcihle

-tjle. Tli'-v arc based U|KUI a coiiNiderat ion of the com.

.i-r than of the cry that " the nation will have none 1
of it"; and they in-iM that value f. ,r money .should In- tin-
test of any scheme prop< *><!. It wa.-> a happy idea of Mr.

M- to the public liefore the

proini-a-,1 Army S-heme of the present S-cn-tary ol War had
IH-.-II reveali-<l to IIM. and we may exj-ct, and Mr. H.M.HASK will
cloiilitlisvH welcome, a broader and n. 'dug criticism

of that Hcheine than would have IMVII jK^sihle U-forc the
publication of this hook.

v step by ordered ceremonial, be waa the object of
an adulation sickening to read about Mr. Butm makes

his failings the

lack of education in hia youth, deliberate) y ordered by U v
who shrewdly thought it would not suit his puqNMu if his
roong charge, coming to the throne, knew too much. At
best be was a poor, stuffed. thing, selfish, cruel,

i. -dl with advancing years he

wan t: the annn of th.- prieMM. Thnmgh his

f:igg>4* of thr furniuv of \l>-\ 1

ems a lack of portical justice that he
waa not Li] |--1 up in the UatiM- and fury of the long-

JAM \

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

r.i

OUR SLATE-CLUB DINNER.

Chairman. "I'n sriiK WE BE AI.I. VERY sonny oun SECRETARY is NOT HEHE TO-NIGIIT. I CANNOT HAY WE MISS 'is VACANT CHAIH, BIT

I DO SAY WE MISS 'IS VACANT FACE."

IN COMMITTEE.

I 'i,e minutes of a debate held this morning,
as usual, in tin 1 licit of a yoimj; geptleman (if
the name of HKOWN. at the hour of 7.30 A.M.

Mr. Kl(ottS, lieillj; the only perflOn present, ei in -

slilutes, for ihe jiiirjiosc of the following, "the
House."]

As six 11 1 as Hie House was snll'ieii'iilly
awake to consider any serious liusincss,
Mr. Bi;n\v\, without producing any
reason, argument, or a(lr<|iiato r\i-iiso.
]ir(iposc(l the following motion : "'Iliat

tins House do not got up juxt yet."

The iiiotioi) was si'roiideil, with sonic
slianie, by Mr. Hitows.

A silence of pained surprise followed
this proposal, and after some delay Mr.
I>KOW.N booked leave to oppose the
motion. hi an earnest and closely
reasoned speech lie exhorted the House
to ignore this vile suggestion) the
motive of which could lie, and was,
nothing else that; a cowardly fear of
the impending cold bath. 1 'he House
must not let itself be deterred on so
frivolous a pretext, not let itself be
frightened by the prospect of that which,
if it only knew it, was its chief delight.
Hather let it turn its attention to its
breakfast : hot coffee ad libitum and

hotter porridge (inter alia) if it got up '
now ; if it delayed, then cold everything
and less than little of that. Supposing
the hungry brothers of the House once
got a start, how much breakfast would
tin-;/ leave? What steps would tin-;/
take to keep hot what they did leave '>.
He then called the attention of tin-
House to the state of the clock. The
hands, be it observed, were pointing to
7.45 A.M., and that was, if anything,
slow. Had not the House sworn last
night to get up at seven o'clock prompt ?
Was not the House bound to be at the
office at nine o'clock ? The thing w< mid
be done with ease if the House would
only get up now. Otherwise the House
\\onld have to run for a mile and a half
up hill, and probably be late even then.
Then again, was the House prepared to
sacrifice the greatest pleasure of the
day to an object utterly unworthy ? \\ as
the House, in fact, prepared to give up
its after-breakfast pipe? Finally, let
the House remember that

" Early to bed, early to rise,

Makes a man healthy, wealthy anil wise."

Was the House ready to abandon its
health, its wealth and its wisdom?
Could the House contemplate with

equanimity the jxissibility of becoming
a permanent invalid, pauper. and lunatic?
He left the matter at that, confident that
in the face of all the considerations that
had been urged the House would not
remain in bed a minute longer.

Mr. liitowx, after a pause, seconded
the opposition to the motion with verb-
ose enthusiasm.

A few moments elapsed Ix-fore Mr.
BROWN ventured to answer in defence of
his motion. At length he submitted
with dillidence that the Opposition only
desired to conquer one weakness now
in order to yield itself more thoroughly
to another (and less innocent one) later.
The ideal of the Opposition was an
expansive breakfast. Of course, if the
House liked dyspepsia

On a division the House unanimously
rejected the motion and decided I
up, if not at once, at any rate in a \cry
few moments.

The House rose at 8.40.

LITERARY NEWS. In view of tlw recent
purchase of Tlie Outlook by Lord I
(ne GHSM I we understand that the
title of our contemporary is to be changed

to Tlic >t<dlook.

LONDON CHAK1YAKI.

vl;v

THE GREAT TUNNEL QUESTION.

HorribU rulU anlicipaUd.
M. r nUul lh nd of an actual army.

PP*1 * * manhood of England.
f- W. ,

to-.

tLort * aaim-1 -uliury -erne. on
sufr . - akia by u * rk the
OoiTaiaabW -toaejlsci nuhuiy ptf-

IT was a District pMeeoger that ml
ted like lhe within its in
And passing me hia journal point*

i., .-. .- NBHUl ..'. I

-Some talk of sentiment that keeps us great

An inland - rare whose rrnlm is on the sea ;
Wand ' be bknred ! a smart and up-to-date
Peninsula for M.'

,r sires were Vikings? Full ..f virile grog
Tbev laughed,' you sy. ' to ride the Channel s swell .- 1
That may be M> ; but as for thi* aea-dog
It make* him most unwell.

" That ' why I want a tube arranged below,

To let my stomach, comfortably packed,
Achieve the Channel half an hour or ao
Sooner and still intact.

tnanoe of Nature's bulwarks? I: I My!
If I can sparemyedf one bilious pang.
1 '11 give you DAKE and Co. ; they've had their day ;
Lt the whole crowd go hang !

" Bat if this placid transit should imply
A manhood -army as the only sure
to avert invasion entering by
The tunnel's aperture,

Thai I 'm against the project, teeth and claws ;

For, though the Channel turns me vilely ill,
To have to help at need my country's cause

Would turn me sicker still." " B

Vr /...,/.,.". b"k h-n-. .I*.'K. yon nim.1 y,,ur ..wn

,r ir.iin if y-'i r.- nnt M uu-k.
Would tlu- lllli Kiut y.ni.'
Mr. /'.<!,/./ \Vl,.it for?

Tli,- dinner-party, <\>-*r.
01,, this wretched dinner-pMty ! I thought
itWi ... I , sr.- tin- Uthwontwutine.

Mr, I ' w l ;l " 7'W'K''""'" 1 f ' <r . l1 ':'! ll:1 - v '

Mr. i Ul'.v fliuuldnl wi

,,t.. th.it iii^ht?

[y w-i- iiavi- IKIMI lO enough J.1.IVS l..l.-l>.

:i,;m time we gave anoUier
; e here since November

Besides! UieBissTE-Mf- "ill 1- in town then. 1 heard from

Mr i M 7~~

M,M /'..)'./;/'. Fatlu-r. hush. M.MIKI., h.nv Mlly you nr.-,

LIFE'S LITTLE DISCUSSIONS.

THE* Dtxxn-PABTT.

SamBnakfa* at the Fordyce*.

Mr FOOT-*. Mn. Fonro*. XMI Foam*. Mi* MASO. Fame*

*1 Mr. Jon Foam.

Jfrr Fardyft. Don't you think, dew, w ought to give a
dinar-verty soon?

hy?

.Vr*. Fordytf. Well, we've dined out a good deal lately
and we must do something in n

Vr Fordyet. Can't you ak the wivea to lunch when I n

' '.IT- "'

Ifr*. Fordyt*. But they want to tee you. It's just you
they want to see.

Vr* Fordyet. Well. Mr*. (Vtvnrwnj.
Vr Fordytt. Oh. does she ? W. 11. 1 don't want to see her.
Vr. Fordyc*. 1 'm sure von were roost agreeable to her
nra' last week. You were laughing all the time.
I watched you.

VIM Fordyc*. Well, one most be polite.
Vr. John Fordyet (dvbinuty). Yes.

4yct Well, father V quite ri K ht, ll
the m<wt awful Y-u know they .

A/IM F'ir.hj';\ They've alway> Keen very D

There aren't kinder people in the world

than the !'

Vr. / 're kind.

.Vr ./../.I,- / W. -11. I'm off. Goodbye all Qi

fair notice, won't you. mother, of the day the I
are coming.

Mr*. Fordyee. Yes, dear, of course I will, and then you are

sure to lie fre.-.

.Vr. ./../ni Fr.l !! . Yes, mother. 1 11 make a ,,mt of

Th: 1 W. My dear MxilKl. what

are you lauKhine, at ? You 're always lau^hi"^

HIM Mabel Fordyt*. At any rate, mother, if yon must
have the BasTOUDS, do. i-l-.ise. invite Mr. DBRaUl I
make up for them a little.
Mr*. Fordyee. Hut he's PO very i

A/I'M Mabel Funlycr. Well, he is amusing, anyhow, and he
nakea things ^
.Vr. Fordyee (from hit paper here > a rum tiling.

.e just performed an njM-ration on a ho. ;
Felintowe, and wliat do you think they found inside him?
Afr. Fordyee. ' leer, don't . . .

MittFordyee. Oh, father, pleasespareusthese morlua details.
A/r. Fordy.. All riht. all ri^ht.
Mrt. Fartlyce. ( !\M.M>I i s. dear, just make a !
people U> ask. There's the three HlNsn:\l* and Mr. 1'
1 suppose we must ha\e Mr. IIKHM\H, if MAIIKI
him. Then ther.- i- Aunt FlolH.

A/r. Fordyff. If your Aunt Fi/iRA comes, nothing will et
me home till midnight.

A/r*. /'i.r./i/.v. Hut. my dear . . .

\ I M\ it |K.,iii\ely. We've done enough
,r Aiint Funn for at l.-.ist a year. 1'idn't she have
i>as presents from all of you ?
Mr*. Fordyrr. Hut she's so lonely, jxnir thing!
A/r. Fordyff. Well, so am I.

/,/,-r. Oh. f:il!

1 am ; 1 'm very lonely, and I hate |..

asked out to dinner. You don't know your Aunt FUHIA.
I do. If you want to ;u-k anyone, usk
VM. Slie's a clever woman.

A/IM Fvnlycr. 1 'm afraid that father's ide.i of a clever
woman is a ouuiw! wonum.

M' notiwxl.her coarseness. She's

a ensil.le. an and that's more than you can

n who come here.

Mn. F'Tilijcf. Hut we must ask some of the people we
d with the HIIJJIYK, the CAKTERETS, the Pioos. We

B
B

jz;
w
Q

GO
H

C/3
H

a 3

p5 2

P-i ***

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f-i *

a j

w &

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a f"

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S^ t- S w

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o (ga

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.= T5

Igli

JAM-MJY !. 1007.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

X. "(ioomiYE, DARI.INO. So SORRY Nl'BSE HAS COME FOR TOO. I HOPE YOU AND MoNTY HAYE ENJOYED YOURSELVES ? "

Air/in;/. " THANK YOU. MOTHER SAYS WE'VE ENJOYED OURSELVES VERY JIITH ! "

haven't room I'or Mrs. ADAM if they are to come, and if they
arr not to come we may ;is well have only the BixsTEADS and
Mr. DF.ITMAK.

Mr. Fordyn: Well. F give it as my last word that unless
Mrs. An\M cnnies 1 don't.

Minx l-'m-di/i'i: But she will put out the party. There is
no man for her.

Mr. l-'nn/i/rr. I '11 take her in.

.Mi xx Fordyce. You can't. You must take in Mrs. BII.I.HY.

Mi: l-'<ii-<li/ri: Well. 1 can hav > lier on the other side. I
don't often interfere, but in this case I am adamant.

Mi. t.t Mulicl Furtli/ri: (ili, father, how clever !

Mi-x. /''nr'/i/n: What's clever?

Mm* Mulct FIH-I/I/CI: To say adamant about Mrs. Al>VM.

Mi: l-'ni-ili/i-c I \\otidered if any of yon would see it. If
von want a partner for Mrs. ADAM get JOE SriiTKKS.

ttita Fordyce, leather ! How can you V After that dread-
ful story !

Mi: l-'urili/i-i: Well, it wae probably not true. He's a very
unhappy, lonely man, and you -would be doing a kind thing
to ask him. Very good company, too. \\hen he likes. It's
a pleasure to have SOUK- one to go down to the cellar for.
There's no fun in teetotallers and Haigites like your BII.I.HYS
ami CvitiKiM is. You may sneer at JOK as much as you like,
but I've said my last word. [Kxit tn Citi/.

FIFTY YEARS ON.

" WHEN you have turned a hundred and I am fifty-five"
So spoke without a warning the plumpest girl alive
" I wonder, oh I wonder how both of us will be,
With HELEN fifty-seven and baby fifty-three."

The sum was done precisely ; each item was correct ;
The grisly shade of COCKER had nothing to object ;
And yet I could not praise her, or sanction a display
Which tossed about the fifties in this collected way.

lint still the maiden pressed me, and so I made reply,
"I'll tell you what 1 think, dear, about your by-and-by;
Your figure will be ampler, and, like a buzzing hive,

Your boys and girls will tease von when you are fifty-five.

"Your hairwill not be brown, dear; you '11 wear a decent cap;
Maybe you'll have a grandchild a crowing on your lap ;
And through the winter evenings the easiest of chairs
Will give you greater comfort than romping on the stairs.

" And sometimes too, I fancy, when all the world is snow,
You'll smile as you remeinlier the days of long ago;
And every now and then, dear, yon '11 spa re a thought for me,
When HKI.KX'S fifty-seven and baby's fifty-three."

1!. <.'. L.

A TRAP FOR COWRY MICE.
Mr Pcra'a UmonwoRm tlni* TO

Ckuro XVII.

Tl* Mar" ami K* of
A* French imprnMaaMt artieta hare
alrro.lv learned to realise, there is no
rad lo the beauties of hoodoo, an-ln
tN-tui -pheric malic.

Thanks U the enterpriae an

Uorongh Cuunctb i

the now, we have recently xuineaaed
in KHne of oar most

the age i the hold which the >-ult of tin-
amp). is taken on tli.- upper

peen nowadays aelilom indulge in a
meat meal, and the famous -
lunch at the Saveloy Restaurant i*
much patron.--! |,y millionaire*. r-
:uliiiir.ilii ami other nifinU'W 'f The
Time* Nook 'lub. In tl" 1 '"> i

rarwt tliinn I" lin'l a K 1
(a )ii 1 . -luiii-nt in lli-

,-..f n,i.l.ll.'..f 'ilK-.Liy. Sir FKH\

habitually hiln-li-s'!T a ]..in ln-.| JMM an. I
f : h.it \vat.-r ; tin- DirectoiB of the
<-.it l>ctween

crowded thorough fan*, of <

so remarkable, alike for
arm and depth, that Mormon tourists

.,....--.-..

unexpectedly realising the delights of
bant bom home." It i- the Mtma
privilege of London and
suburbs to cater fur nil
and all national il in*.
Swiss waiters have of Lite
taen wen tobogganing "it
en trays down the

lope of Caiii|len Mill

Square. Albanians i ;
seen at ahnost any time.
dad in the picturesque

miry.

Dank of

monln; ami tin- *! form of

in Ijombard Street is China

tai or orange*. A ini-nilier of the

e was recently hanflMnd

f<.r ilrinkiiiK
eiul

Uvr during a \v.-.-k-
ThroM

Mr. .(..us- Hnivi very sonsihly
,.,,int^l mil that lh- rarlior our pil.K-l
youth iniliili," 1 *! in these gastraopmic

tli.' N-.n.-r as it lik.'ly

Mr.

S.-.-I1

.
the Albany.

W* m the portal

The Itruses.

on amving in In<lon,
invariably congreg.i-
Portland Place
authom are drawn by an
irresistible attnution to the
of HOWBU>

as Mr I

in oneof hi* masterly Hindi.-

of metropolitan am:

logy, find a happy hunting

ground in the aquaras and

gardens) of Rsyswster.

The infinite variety of L.ndoo is
faded not only in it- inli.il.ii.ini. l.ut

in its diet. That there are cannibal

restaurants in our midst we <-m neither
deny, b.u V s,-

rlnarly incline* to the sinister

Aa Sir GuJBflrr PAMEB says in one of his

most inspired passages : -

waooaly

At any

- Vast CM tftr* karnr ol I

KrUir lo "

iince the introdoolion of

by Inane and bouiida. and the fact that

etw tV. HMO tnm.

nuts is a remarkable proof of the gr

dens snd hnacoiah ban are comn>
the KSM Kn<l. but it t* not safe
country cousin

Oooumi K0DUHAX.

A notable and characteristi<

rRusrrwoRTHT AUTIST ix

A I.HIHl I'..| i\l I.IVM AT A VtaCTAKlAX RUTADUUrr.

H-- n" Tfirri.c Horr i* yr.svr.li.
I tinner with half I

meat courses is n tiling of the pant, and
the great CompanieM now habitually n'i\>-
llirir lxin(|uets at \ei;eiari.in restaurants.
where turtle -.up i- replace I by a
I ^iiiuinoilM nuh.-litiitc in which the

tabloids . :

while adult I/>mlonera are in
amplifying their lives

.Ui.ni in favour of frugality
xvouM s<-t in.

As a n-Milt. no iloul.l. <>f tin- rntfnlr
r..n/i,i/.-, III.- i-racti.-.- "f taking ni'-als

t!,.- in.

Thenutomatic rr-taurant in tin 1 Embank-
iui-nt I lar.l.-n- is .-niw<l.-<l in all \v-.itli.T*,
and il i- lh>' nmiiiion.-*! lliiiiR i

who hav,- >li|.|H-,| ..lit
of tin- T.-ni|>l<- f.r a l.r.Mth of air. luni-h-
in off :v lianana and a rru-t of lin-ad
liy tin- rivrr '.-> inar^.-. f.i-din^ tli- ^,'iills,
i^' ilu- arrival of diatingutthed
liy tin- l.i'C. s-i.-.tinlhsit-.
ilisc'iissiiij; tli.- Lit. -i .]>ii;raiii of
MMIOUI IU-.UIIIK. Oft. -n w.- hav.-

I . !.

ini-ily with enthusiasm in
c-.illini! to their n-iui-m
lir.ini-i- M.IIU- t-lioii-.- jilinis. 1
of this *ii]MTlative and
mirilie |"-niii.in. Il
tu us. listening to than,
that tln-y utten-tl tin- chief
and .siipn-iiie ami most
--pl.-ndid i: ! their

- polhioiaM

and lovely women also
the l-'.iiili.inkment.
and a ride in one of tht
new eWtric trami-.ire is
the ili-rtncr n-'i in the
I in May fair.
Only the other day v

,-hl,i>ho|. Of CvM

lii IIY. Sir (II\KI: I>'i-
C. I! Kin. and Mr and Mrs.
XIMJI;. all sitting on the to
of the same car. and di-rf-u.s
MUI; the Education Hill
with the utmost urbanity.

the

\Vl have it "11
authority that Mr. Hum. is to IM- offered
any p,-. ra^'e he lik.-s. Me will of eoiir*
naturally cl.H-t t.> ln--..iiie a Cuiint of tin
Holy Koinan Kmpire.

K r. -feri-mv to tlieMunicip.il l!ef..ni
candidature of Mr. C!KIB;K An. \\MI.H

,d..n l'..rr.-|>mlent of The
H'.l/.-5 Ifiiilif \.

" It i on i nly ..f reduced rat Uia

Mr \II\M.U: ih'htainliiiK "

!/( in h.i|M- that we shall live :
Mr. .\ii\v\i.|i! as Hamlet,
U-hind the arras.

-. M I'. In his reply.

"And ThisP"

following ( iiniiiiunieation in the
/\M-Hi ciKl.-occurM in The Scotsman

"Swolr Turnips to I>el; to be eaten on tin

Mill -li'-rji. Apply, JAXED II 1 "

JAM-AKY '.), 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ANOTHER VETERAN FOURSOME.

Tk combint J agi of Plyri ind CiJJ'm (tll>r joni total 867 yer.

Fcuriomc cftting cut from tk
tee.

Tn General ovcr-reacQi<
drive. riix ion naa some
cutty in preiervmj u ujkrigK

Quarry provides trouble
for tKe General.

TKe Rear-AJmiral hole* out into * **\
one of tke Doctor big prints.

' x

Return kom*. Late,

TKe BisKop eaugkt |>1 tying
Um game.

ITNt'II, OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE PERFECT WOMAN.
Puvno the band for the third time I
. ..

. ait a moment," aaid my p"tneT ;
ad the etaopad and did jmething nh

rMlinir i 1 iodnnl it. in IHT band.

m %"rJI38 F doall.h rt ?"l^

with a kind of mtmruf

MM a lot. The going Uabit bad thi*

cod. you know."

.Wt matter a I aajl

brig) "1 her <l" w "

t in my r r.ramm> -I *" r

..,;, They really

glad lor ie

1 nmalway-
"Par

,e went on. ' peopl

^hi fully well uiv always
w HIM! til in other way*. Tliat ia
aA a* a compliment," ahe added.

T the moment 1 thought it waan t,

MMM* I

wmn , down and

talk, ..nurwhere."

. ,.
ic*. on.l 1 '11 tell you what I think of IM

*4 int.. a hady corner, and bid
aome refraahnv

It w;w r.ilh-r fiinn . ntinii-

i mind," said '

ea that waa one of the thing* I

" I am full <J farm." I id
miOiua pounda, tea year*. I> rd U \\KUTII

mi i . -ir -|-i.il > .rr-|>ndi-:
<lim't want that, I. in

a me,

. w,ll under-'

i -,
, just this, ami B

you were a woman you 'd nnder-tand at
once. A woman moat either 1 all
thing* to all man, or ah> mn-t \" the

thniK. A man tan just affonl to
be" a Radical teanSam

he 'a i ^'"i '" '

woman c-.in't."

i, hut I 've met a woman who W
v, ? Hadi<-al. and >he

even-lxMly. fnun the 1, r-1 V

- downwards.

- that's all riK'ht. if

you 're k.vn. Hut if you 're an ordinary

Hirl who doesn't read the paper.-, then

!y one tiling yi-u ean l'- DH

.1 tr\ who told you she

didn't take much interest in i>olitics.

|,,, t ! i^ht she wa- an anti-

.int to know, what's batM done
almiit the XvMK.-- and the Channel
Tunnel? You pn.Uihly m.-.-t a It ol
',.- . .-m't you tell me?
-ocmed a sad oaae. I Mid : " May
I ask a few question*? Thank you.
Then, first. You are u Protectionist,

I'IUMBKRHIV. isn't it?"

then."

And >..u i'- an Imjxrialist, and you
ih nk the (ioveniment is ruining the

TV? "

orn

I garp a w <

"Th*

matt' mini-* l-

in? luuid we
a ..f <iur

... no," i.l
I moat be no* w the her. Which?

i kn-iw . . . Hi,-
trll yoo n TuM.1

added haaUly. -if y.i can give me

Chun-h of Kn^land. of courae?"

,irly hih Mr. HIKUKII. v
to drive n-liKion out of tli.

I, "you rrallv
areapl.-nd,.l I' I'-

k>Onb? n

jm. Hut why all i!

i- ull.li-llli.ill. 'i'T.

i didn't nitcli my nan..
I am " and I mentioned one < 1

M tin- s4-h.-mi- .... ('-.min*; HO* I" ihc
numlH-r of millions annually mated l>y

i.,,,,1 lleformer, pfoou

\V 'iiat?"

- ( ih. l>ut \oii muM \-

|( -lit."

Thank \'"' ""'' regard t

tl th.-r. going l>y

Hut. i ; alv J" st

what wi- nuiM H" l>y. 1 waul to know.
What i- cr,-rif*lii cloin.u?"

.,!,. MI. W.-ll. tin -n. everybody

who ia '' ''"

!iry nillian wh.. -ni'-k to
:vrlo|H-. and iiolidy niiiul.- what
] think- i- .1 pr" X.ini-i^' and an aiili-
Tuniiel this srasoii." 1 l'k out a liand-
k.Tchi.-f and wi|.-d my lri>w. " And
don't KIV I havrn'l ,-ilil.- and

hflpful." I addi-d.

( I. K. JiiKik my hand warmly.
//..,i- ran 1 thank you' i
,1/ir.n/* coine t i you when I 'in in a
difficulty ! "
Da, I ^iid.

*
I-' 1' Fat. Plain." ' tap|-d me with
lier fan.

Y..U haven't liatened to a word I vc

-ayin>;." she viid i-,.|.ro.i.-hfully.
What 's the matter?"

Hut my ears ere Mriiined to i-atcli :i
sj-ntenee or two from the al-o\e behind
{.oken iii that lieantiful voice that
i'd MI well

/ n in '

\V/ii( jKih-ioii-- iililn'l I-

i, i-in-i llmt ! -n ii ml

tin- in (iinrf/irr. . . ."

I U'^ your pardon, ]'. I 1 ." !
help you. What

an wait t

Hut MI- wiitiM'fi rn-

I.IIIM . '
irwl! ui*h<r.

" Trlrfulliv or III- -ilW

! or the

our moat popular tatiaticiana

II? '

II. I hm been wondering my
ael( about the ZAMCKW and the Tunnel.
and ao I made aome aUtiatica up. Her.-

.-lied lip.

In -Ipful. -!n- aaid.
of the IViok

'. I ' Tlli'otli.

d envelo| . th>- In

tH it !'
I Th<ld 1 1

mm-U. The other three any
that if they change the \v

; i.lt the -

work their adheaion

Wr. have lon had a great adm'n
for our coiiieni|Mir.iry Tin-
Hrielly. we have felt that, while it- City
artieli- i-- not al.i\- to I.e depend.
and though its Theatriea! - just

nicthinK which is so nt^-es-
iiiei~m. and il

lull I. re a little waiiUiif,' in

\\e may K" "" with lliis

M-ntence f..r a moment 1. moral

lone h.is always IMVII aKive >n-pieion.

. :,,,ulede (.f llnw.

many ca.M-s proved to he -uperior

ai .my rate m<.re pedantically eincl than,

our own. Judge, then, of onr h.

-TH-. a

he.lded II.'W lo I'ilich

-.illthi IIM;

Thn Order of their Goings.

.incidence that l>oth
('.irdinals followed each other in tho

order of pn-redelire in the Sacred

lege. Uaily \\f\n-

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE RACK-HANGER.

TYiiuo sympathy has been lavished
f>ii the strap-banger, but how about the
rack-hanger, whose grievance is of much
longer standing? I am a rack-hanger,
and I demand sympathy. I travel on
the Great Eastern, suburban in the
old compartment carriages, where such
luxuries as straps are unknown. As I
hang to the rack I envy the pampered
people who revel in straps.

Our compartments are built with
room for five a side and five down the
middle. They are Libelled " Six seats a
side," and such is the influence of the
printed word that six people wedge
themselves on each side and imagine
they are sitting. (I am speaking of the
second-class compartments. I do not
travel first, because my ticket is not a
third-class ticket.)

Down the middle, on occasions, stand
seven or eight, sometimes nine people.
When there are only seven, the door
shuts easily, when there are eight it shuts
with difficulty. When there are nine it
lias to be rammed-to by a porter. Even
on ordinary days the train is often full
when it reaches my station, and it is no
good the porters shouting " Take your
seats, please," for somebody else has
already taken the seat for which we
have both paid, or partially paid.

I take my sliare of the nick instead.
The woodwork is not always clean.
But that is a minor inconvenience. I
would give much for a strap, clean or
dirty. Had I such I would close my
eyes and imagine myself in Paradise.

The strap gives a good hold and is
suspended at the right height. The
rack is admirable for the parcels which
are seldom put on it, but it is not made
for hanging to, and your arm becomes
numbed to the shoulder. If you lower
it to restore circulation the train bumps
over the points and you sit down on
the lap of some one to whom you have
never been introduced.

If he is good- tempered, he says
affably, " All right ; make yourself at
home," or " Plenty of room for a little
'un." If he is a morose individual he
says something else. As if you sat in
his confounded lap on purpose !

If she is a lady, she blushes or giggles.
The young City rack-hangers in tall
collars snigger, and the funny man in
the corner guffaws outright. It is highly
humorous.

I am not always a rack-hanger. Some-
times I travel in the guard's van, where
racks are not provided. If you are first
in the storming party you may get a
seat on a hamper or a portmanteau, but
the supply of these is very inadequate.
On foggy days and at other times of
stress the average allowance of pas>en-
gers per guard's van is forty. I have

Distressed Foreigner (regarding himself in the glass). " Air, MADAME, EFERY DAY I HAF

MORE AND MORE LESS KM Its!"

been one of forty-three, but that was
abnormal.

The guard does not like people to
travel in his van. He says it is against
the regulations, and that we shall get
him into trouble. When he dimes hack
to his van after waving his flag, the
younger bloods say "Full up!" and
advise him to walk home, and when
the train stops where there is no station
they want to know why he doesn't get
out and push.

Then the train starts with a jerk, and
as many of us as can find room sit
down (>n the floor. That puts the
guard in a good temper, lie says it

comes of being too clever. As a matter
of fact it conies of having no straps.

Let the strap-hanger reflect that there

' are wretches worse off than himself, and

lie thankful. Does he complain because

the straps are not jewelled and scented ?

I would I were a strap-hanger!

WE hear that the more noisy of our
motor-omnibuses are to be fitted up
| with a much needed improvement. At
an early date megaphones will be sup-
plied to the passengers to enable them
to converse with one another and the

condiielnr.

'If, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

'.I\M Ml '.I. 11I07.

MEN AND MANNERS. A STUDY IN COSTUME.

---,_- Jr . "AND WHO'S THE H"' . xt\ WITH nir RII.

- Baona, WE iirurr. Yoc BUMBEB an 'Sou. TBIDMHUNT OTE KAKTHLT I..VK' iv T m
ccriuc ! An woo'* rat UTHM IBTIIT BE'I TALIIICO TO?"

0000 """' Hl' .ff A tBTIl^! Ht' A BETIBKO f>BtELLA-IUKEt WHO BOCQBT TBg ' SoOL T..irXNUx

\I.

to Jim, Uvr .1 OM tirna or aodMr
ad nrritina Brrxl Thu Rm

"" "^ Uwrt<b " > "

Brno ray be white or brown, be old or new.
Biwd may ho taut. Bmd even nmr U- H

^^T* ** h * d " r """P 1 " !^. bw y
Brr* ,,ar h Uked to iMte or wio ouow, ;

mo*, then 'talwrnB this .h,

,
On* euuot, being a nwrui, >

BT^wij * ^ Bred (whence com. the nun.),

That baU a kol k better than no Bread.

And hen- our knowledge of the M bjed enda,

h:
.d dropl

aanpagne a brief but buM.liqg youth

iiiiiii-iiil. :unl li ;ivc :it l!
r we ourselves wmiM .^,IHT lrink ii I 1

Hill hlTf's tlir rill.' Wi'M lM|uc:iti. v.illr

-I tin- linn- \\liru, \ictiin ( ,f ili-di-iimi.

Fur V..III- IKI-.|.-,-.|S yc.lll .,11 I,-- |.|

Beraetant in tin- Palace of CWrection,

\\licro (ini'ii who know luivi- tolil ii., on the ijn
Bread forma tlif nwjur jirti(.n of tin- dii-t.
* * *

S. much for Unwl. You '11 h.-.ir from
HI,,, i;,,!,. of 1,1,., | i

h..|H-. tln-

i rotinil tln> topii- " \\".r
Mi.-l to ,,,ir iirtirli- ; i

Mui. h;irk ' llu- m.ir.t.

Police r Public.

i:
< Ibe ]. Jut- H tr

i ii i iii i ''"'

k,.,.||> ;,y of |,utlin it . I,,

hat he really wantu is a conjurer.

1TNCH. <'|; THE LONDON CHARIVARI. .IASTAKY '.. 1907.

MORE ZANCIGNALLING.

PROFESSOR REDMOND. "I HAVE SELECTED ONE OF SEVERAL NAMES FOR THE POST OF IRISH
CHIEF SKCIM-TAKY. MY PARTNER, C.-B., WILL NOW READ MY THOUGHT AND MAKE THE
ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE BOARD"

JANI-MIY U, I'.iOT.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS."

it >i (inn cliiny hunters on straw ride). "HAprv CHRISTMAS INDEED! Two THOUSAND POUNDS'-WOHTII OF HORSES JUST
EATIM; MOM-.V Two KO..T OK MK\W BETWEEN ANT OF 'EM AND THE KNACKER'S CART. BOTS CHUCKED OFF EVERY DAY. EMPLOYER LIABLE.
HUH! THINK I'LL uo IN ASII HEAD ABOIT RAILWAY ACCIDENTS!"

IN SHAKSPEARE'S

S\V\N of our stage ! when first we saw

How strangely keen the iiKxlorn cygnet is
'I'n probe you with an envious claw,

\Ve fell those slabs were "rave indignities;
lUit since all pens (both jay and o\vl)

Conspire to prod the liinl ul' Avon,
We own our ornamental fowl

Is much more like ;i moulting raven.

Hardly hail MKHVMIH dtililied you trash,

And caused who knows what horrid panic in
Britons who took your brass for cash.

And deemed you too a siii>ermannikin,
When TOLSTOY swooped to snatch a tuft

Of feathers where they grew the finne.-t.
And left the bard whom Mtl.T<>\ puffed

A sight to shock the taxidermist.

Not ours to carp; with empty praise

The idol of our youth we prop not;
J!ut why. we ask, should wilted bays

He planted on another's top-knot?
That harmless peer whom Bi.i:n:ym:t seeks

In Hades where he hovers shyly-
Shall RUTLAND stand before the beaks

Instead of your cmlnrcr rile .'

SHOES.

What household name we honour most

Is safe (while thus the Teuton hectors)
From damage to his genuine ghost

Through falsely substituted spectres ?
In authors (live and late) we see

The blush of degradation mantling
For fear a blind posterity

Should foist on them the Stratford bantling !

Shall such a fraud - like birds who

(The image alters here to Cuckoos)
Apartments gratis for an egg

In casual nests and never look whose
Shall he affix his faults to POPE,

Or shuffle off his sins on SHEM.KV,
< >r let, by some luxuriant trope,

Suspicion pounce on Miss'OoitKi.i.i ''

Si inner than that, ourselves were fain

To have it known, ?r<- blacked (ll/nilo;
Kimj Jsar, by some defect of brain

Occurred to us the comic fellow !
To save from scorn some nobler quill

Our own post-mortem pride we '11 barter,
And. saddled with the works of WILL,

C!o down to shame, a conscious martyr !

TAKING

I m the owner of touring caravan,
in which from time to time I emulate
the firy and take to the open road. I
hare aLn oa occaaion let thia caravan.
Tbea* are innocent punm it* : yet through
thm fiV*, M the following com-
nondence wiB -how I came int.. n
deapanto eon*irt in* t lnknd f
Revenae Qatar with a whole A
ruHJameat at hi* bock. 1 leave it in
the raider to judge who waa the victor

Una L (U* to me.)

DEAR 8m,-I learn that you have in

vour iiiawaaion a caravan ; but I do not

i,| M , 1 1 that yon have taken out a

licence far H. As a two-luwse carriage

'.*,r wheda it ia liable to a yearly

. ..;-.,;

lam. Yours faithfully, Ac.

LETTO H. </ to him.)
DEAR SIR. I thank )-ou for your letter
It ia true that I possess a caravan. It w
also true that I have no licence for it.
Rut I am at a loea to understand how you
can have fallen into the error of sup-
posing that a caravan is a carriage. It
! unquestionably a ho**f. The wheels
are merely incidental I am not aware
tiea have to take out such a
For all intents and purposes I
am a gipsy. Pleoae understand 1 have
no desire whatever to evade the law. I
only wa to put the matter clearly
before you. lam. Yours faithfully.

IJCTTO IJJ. (Ut to me.)
DEAR Sir, A caravan cannot with
propriety be regarded as a house, t'lidi-r
the Act-I spare you his long quota
tarn a gipsy must either hold a
carnage licence or a hawker's licence.
(1 admit he had me there.) I await
your cheque. I am, Ac.

Ijrrrni IV.-<J to him.)
L DEAR Sir, I am at a loss to under
stand bow you have fallen into the
error of supposing that I am in any
way to be comparea with gipsies. I think
the eufjestion showed a want of courtesy
on your part. Surely it ia dear to the
intelligence that a caravan ia

- nnably a earl (I had him there),

so I hope the matter will he all.
end here. Understand that I have no
desire hatsrti to evade the law. I
only wiah to put the matter dearly
before you. 1 am, Ac.

Ljmra V 'Unto me.)
DEAR SIR. I thank yon for ;
Granted that a caravan ia a cart, it i-
avanmvy for yon to put your name and
address upon it. Also, aa a can. it
must be used only for purposes of trade
or husbandry, and to take your vile and

, i: VI.

DEAR Sin. I thank you for your
.....:.-.: [ regret i i ibilitj
\\itli your aajMUoa that I
should l.'ikf my "if- 1 :in.l family to a
,,, l,y car.ixan. I don't
d.ink -r would lik.- n Be-

I have no wife and family. M
, nt a IOMI loondentand how you
could have fallen into the error of
sui.|Ming that n cnrnvan is n cart.
Nothing could IK- further fn.ni the truth.
As thin i-aravan of mine is made to " ply
Tor hire." the only |ssililf (-.inclusion is
that it is a rah. ' 1 will allow

tin- iiutliT to n->t i f BBjatU 1

.i.lnui that it is comforting to HIP to
know once and for all that it i- a rah.

_;ii<-ly wonden-d what il
wan. Pleoae understand thai I have no
tthal.-MT to exaile the law. 1 only
xvish to put tin- matter clearly In-fore you.
I am, etc.

Jjmra VII. (He to me.)
DEAR Sat, As it is not kept tolely
fur pnr|w of plying for hire, x.mr
rar.ixan r.uinot Ix 1 claBsed n* a rali. In
any ciiw- it must haxe jiaiil a hai-kney
i-.irriaKi- liit-nee. (He had me there, i
I await yMir i-heipie. I am, Yours, &c.

LETTER VlII.-(/ to him.)
DEAR SIB, 1 thank you for your letter.
Please understand that I have no inten-
tion whatever of evading the law far
from it. I only wish to make the nutter
dear to you. A caravan, then, is a
carriage. What did you say was the
amount? 1 am, Ac.

LETTE* IX. (He to me.)
DEAB SIR, Your caravan " l>eing
drawn or adapted to be drawn by two
horses or mule*." I await your cheque

(ML lam, Ac.
LETTE* X. (/ to him.)
DEAR SIR, 1 think in future of using
one hone and one mule for my c.ir.r. .m.
resume I BJII exempt. (I hail him
Many thankx for your mlcn-Hting
letter. I am, Ac.

UTTER XL (Ut to me)
DEAR SIR, I await your chc.j.
two guinea*. I am, Ac.

LCTTKR Ml. / .

*DEAR 8lR, Many thanks for xmir long
!it<-n*tin,: I much regret

that our pleasant corn-- is no

near a close. Hut

u thin year at all 1 i- that
fp.ni duty.

Pleaae understand that throughout I
have r of

Mg the law far from it. 1 only
wished to put the matter dearly U-fore
you. 1 am, YOUTH, Ac.

Ir i, i,..w officially announced that
Mr. HitX-'K has IN-CH appointed British
\ml>assador at Washington. It is
enrioi. ' ' "vcrninent is in

ot.taining information of this kind.

The Suffragettes who so pluck ily
elected logo to prison rather than pay
fines are now complaining that they
found the prisons far from comfortatile.

One of them was not satisfied xxilh
.ommodation in the Black Maria
in which flic xvas conxeycd to
Hut it is something, surely, tl

;.mt a vehicle should In-ar a
woman's name.

The Australian Kederal Kille Asaocia-
tion has decided to Band twelve men to

I'.isley next year. This weakening <>f
the defences is taken to signify that, in
tin- opinion of those on the .-],ot U-st
able to judge, there is no immediate fear
of Japan taking that Colony.

Much .interest is. not unnaturally.
U-ing taken now in the Crown I'rince of
I'Klisn. lie is said to In- a tine 1 HIV of
thirty-six, but looks ohh-r.

The Sultan of MOBOOOO, in his letter
..,-1-oMiig l!usi n. called him a liar and
an ini]H)stor, an accursed man and a
corrupt IHTSOII. It is said that I! MM 1.1
offered a handsome salary to a i
1, us driver to assist him to c..|*> xvith
his myal master, but the letter mis-
carried.

We are glad to learn that all the
drivers of horses minibuses who xxcrc
attacks! by aiKijilexy as the r. -ult of
In-ing jeered at by the drivers of ;
iminihusea during the recent snowy
weather are now almost out of danger.

Tin- greatest discovery of I'.MM 1 , was
mad.- just as the year was flickering out.
i.tl, it hails from America. A Nexv
York cal>le informs us that 1'n'ff.ss.^r

linds the Americans of I
more cultured and more vigopm-
iiobli-r jihxsieally and morally than
any other ].i-iple.

We had no idea that I r. K.MII. Kl I' H

was not appn--iatiil hero. Tin' !

.-n piibliKhing New Yi-ar'- Mr-<iges

it! lea.ling n-aders, and the lU-lor

I ventnp- to W.-IV that what

mitry needs more than anything

, U.. ]- greater p>)H-<-t for knowledge, for

intellect and for insight."

We hear that the Isincct't article in
favour of plum pudding hag had a
curious result. S \.-ral children refused

JjLXUAKY 9, 1907.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

'4-

on ChrMtonaa IV to touch the iro<ld
on U.. ground that it WM medicine.

i the ground

haft, a "
Kb
iikua nniminM hnnr nf 1000.

''! -
''- '

NEW DRESS FOR 'THE
LANCERS."

<njn*.)

Is :l1 "'

I \\n\T ai
i.f tl Mine. .Wr.

I ,||,| offer, the

ful. and at
the*, -tinnee.

niliii li;itliiTl -:i|'. '
iiii'li-r tin' rliin. i.rfli-rt-4 tin- ,-.,;ir,,,v;
:unl a fi-ni-iii>; mask 'wliirli <"in I" 1 ("'ii^lit
,ny in >n limiting <i"n wlm di-:il in
\\irr f.-iicin^' i^xvnrn iniu-li asmii' \MMP

"The wont of

lr wv brtir nf
Imw." y* n

tvapondral in n Inter In n
ranlrni|->r
at* ii

that WH ihr lrt f them;

but wr ii '..-ti-nil ti>

Xpert Li

A VIM who IUIK

been 'am-- L nmr.l.-r

ha* conflMrd t>> tin- run.-.
but <l Inn- that ! forgot IIP
commit <>) tin- iniir
mate we w-idd imprnw on

ll.r iin|.n;ili.

nirnl Sir CUIMI '

H' "ill mviipy tin-
iiffi- nt

Oiathaiii wliic-h will. WP
N..n-'iiArk.

: '

I Birmingham i* Mtinbir-
tonr. taring the part year

- .

paml with ''- in il" piwioue

be known tn I- ''

V H adopt

(ml (rw In-liiiM-n We
therrfcire all tin-
MBMed to cone acroa*
InUuwing Matrtnmt in a

.
Fur tli.

.l (<l|(itill IH..IS itll 1 ini-ll f.|.ik<-rt

iii i-iKiMc our Terpsichore to ^-t n ^rip
<.f tlir tl'ir in tin' " \Vliirlwinil " ..... vr-

Illi-llt nf till'" Vi>itill>,'" fltflllV.

It is I iy atti'iiliiin 1'

littl. .t :i n-tini-il

l>tfflll lilli>ll i.- ^'i\i'll tn

:!..-! m order to meet the
cmt ahnrugr

'' '

M an taken
the alleged rro '. wan

Domtic Candour
. Ammahk, a LM! I, <-. IHK
will

,.,K/,'(,f llnlllilf

titched lailckrtli. with ui./Jj</.- \nki-nf

A' lln- .nifli- of tin- jnifT-

l!|..'.T'~ ll|ill'l-ll.l\V l-.IJ.

i-ivi- UN <iir ./

bir-qnnlrr \ -Inn dm-, r- Ai iln-w.ii-t

the I

i.illv
pfppaivd nkin

ni'l ill tin- wilils (.( Ki
gva), maili- up \vitli tlir l,.iir\ -i ! <>nt

a I'.iri-ian Coatame-Kiag (

In- " /c ili-niiiT fiimrl."

alm.'-t t" I'lainnc" are (hi
hair pin jirnnf rnira-s nf liar
\e\ i/i d steel, and tin- padded
lean f(.lli:ill kiiickirs
i which slmnld I"' wired nn i.
I lead wear -nn-isis nf

/me hat. with .lummy
l.rid. .r. The patent

-.with

I \ inch : 'iii;/i/< :

and dtist prnnf. I-ead putties,
and divers' IK ils with weighted

will help I" OV)
tin- tendency nf the )
paraloilate aluve the head.
A d.Nir handle nr the kiml) nf
a U-d pi i, t may lie all'ivd tn
the shnnlder nf the end man
fnr the " Charge" in the last
figure.

A Matter of Opinion.

carries cant i. in tn extreme
limit. l^i,t \\ix-k ils curre-
Bpondenoe column consisted nf

Htary letter. " Ymi very
kindly KIV a few wnrds ale ml

my . nf nld I

the ciirre-pnndent writes.

Wnnld it betrooblingToa to

cnrn-ct tin- addrc-
I live at l*-ice,|er. nnt llalh ''.
This the F.ditnr preface- li\
the statement. In which italics
add emphasis. " \\'c dn not
linld our Me fnr

the opim liy mir

liiidenl,." I'nt surely a man
mi^'hl IN- trn-led In form tin accurate
iipini'in as tn the identity ol the tnwn
in which he li\.

A Sporting Bishop.

ilii I'i'M ~eiA ii-es :i |n| aiitln-ms :
M'.nn I'lain : |-'.VeliillK I " .

Plain.

N'.iii. I'H - twico
ni^htl and '.' matin.-.- Saturday

JANUARY 9, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OLD FRIENDS WITH NEW YEAR FACES.

Ilmr certain of the rJiiasira appeared to a very
yoiilliftil filiii/tjoer.)

I. ALADDIX.

( >VK upon a time, in the Market Place
it Pekin, there lived a poor widow
lamed TWANKDY, with 'one little boy
ailed ALADDIN. Though ALADDIN'S
mother was so poor she was very cheerful,
ind kept on saying funny things that
iiade people laugh. Also she was able
o give him some nice suits, but perhaps
she saved on the knickerbockers.

( )ne day the Princess of that country
was coining by with a procession, and
when she saw ALADDIN she stopped the
orocession and fell in love with him.
Hut the (Irand Vizier was very angry,
ind told him he would be put in prison,
it which ALADDIN'S mother wanted to go
too, so that women might have votes.

However, they didn't go, because a
magician took ALADDIN to the mouth of
cave, which he had to enter all alone.
But when he got inside, instead of being
alone he found crowds of lady-like
young gentlemen in glittering clothes
who walked about to music. And his
mother came in as well and said, " Excuse
me, but is this the Poplar Union ? "
Then they brought the treasures to the
palace of the Empress, the Princess's
mother, who used to live in the Com-
mercial Road, London, and let lodgings.
And when she saw them she was over-
joyed, and allowed ALADDIN to marry the
Princess, and ALADDIN'S mother married
the magician, and at the wedding every-
body sang songs, and some very large
fairies flew about in the air, and every-
thing was all over coloured lights.

II. CINDERELLA.
CINDERELLA was the daiighter of a
Baron ; she had two grown-up sisters
who spited her, and they all lived in the
kitchen with a big cat and some very
rude servants. But it chanced that a
certain Prince with a squeaky voice
wanted to marry CINDERELLA, so he told
his page DANDINI to disguise himself by
carrying a little cloak on his left arm
which would somehow make people
think he was the Prince. Then the rea
Prince gave a party and all the Baron's
family went except CINDERELLA, who was
left at home. But afterwards she startec
too, in a glass coach drawn by live ponies
and although she was so late the coacl
kept going round and round in a circle
instead of straight on. Which was silly
After all, though, it wasn't much of i
party, only processions ; and as soon a;
the Prince met CINDERELLA all the lights
went out, except a wobbly kind of moon
and the Prince put on a big hat anc
sang, " Honey, kiss your piccaninnyboy.'
But the others never got to the party a
all, because their flying-machine brob
down near the Zoological Gardens, a

UPS AND DOWNS.

City Man. " EVERYTHING I 'VE BOUGHT HAS GONE DOWN. EVERYTHING I 'VE SOLD HAS GONE

CP. AH, WELL, THANK HEAVEN, THEY CAN'T GO SIDEWAYS ! "

which the Baroness was very angry and
said, " We 've lost The Daily Mail prize."
However, they saw some performing
animals, and the Baron pretended to do
thought-reading ; and after that I suppose
they must have got home somehow,
because when the Prince brought round
CINDERELLA'S slipper next day the old
sisters wanted to buy it in Class D at a
reduction on the net price ; but he would
only give it to CINDERELLA, so they were
married.

HI. ROBINSON CRCSOE.

ROBINSON CRUSOE started from the Port
of Hull, where his aged mother lived,
and a pretty lady in short skirts whom
he was engaged to. So CRUSOE said,
" Au revoir, my little Hyacinth " though
her real name was POIXY HOPKINS and
went away on a ship with a lot of good-

looking sailors, and it was wrecked, but
CRUSOE himself got to the Desert Island
without even wetting his clothes. But
the Island wasn't nearly so Desert as
you'd think from the books, because,
besides CRUSOE and FRIDAY and the
Cannibals, Mrs. CRUSOE had come too,
and POLLY HOPKINS, and a gentleman
with a red nose called Education Bill.

However, the King of the Cannibals
was quite nice and friendly, and instead
of eating them he told them about his
adventures by the Zuyder Zee, and
showed them some processions and a
dance of monkeys. Shortly afterward*
they found out that the Cannibals were
only black because there was a soap-
trust on the Desert Island, so they all
sailed away to Port Sunligbt on a
steamer with L.C.C. on the paddle and
lived happy ever after.

]TNU UK THK l.(iM">X CHARIVARI.

I.Y '.I. I'.Hi

OUR
Ur. I'u

THE iwntly anoo
Uinmil

BOOKING-OFFICE.

' .rtial
t t

Tim ('nj-um who waa on boai
th*rngag<-ii>-n'

fieri wriiu-n

M p

1 the

vrof during
.f the
-. r reading.

I v* i 1 1 i* ' > .- ,

for UuMiana, aince when hn.nh to bay l.y the
la,* the doomed crewa of the ftVt met their fate
.iKin. <>n the Admirals flag-
-.,.111 the fir*t mercOeaaly trained their
ffuna. With oii-iani h.iil of . -I '!! falling on the

,% through ihecahinsandeagincM

Inferno wa naliaed VM s ^^ff
. ,....,,. tar. . ill.- I i-t n-tiirn.-l an

/,'. 7V// in- , -/^ 'i ;;

I ,r..i//,/nV ;/n.*j> //- .' "" "<"<:/.

. H iHinm.

it. \\.-n. ii/...- '' ; " /"''

/ Inii'jli'-'l m<i ii if tin"'*.
/i.im/, H i//i.im.

III^ l..k. Th? /XL/;/ '

dy twentieth century,
iinjin-xirin who " j.re-

to have <! hi- <i

I |ot>iii i: \MI Si"i '.ni 1 '
for tin-re is an American

ill the m. .st :i|.|
ini-dia-val. for \'.

i:i,.l.-rn manner. Ivpially it i-

le with a drawbridge in K'd working .

.ie that the ea-lle is in Koiimania. where anything
mi. 'lit hai.tien. Imt that do --n't alter lh. 80 l-ir do the

cha- t from latter-

; . ; .-:!' .1 . ni

li\ in tin- uirrrt.
in all in-.

(rift

'l.-lll lilrrilJMK with

woiiinU. fun-iiiK ilx-ir
into the liirn-t uitli inli-nt

<rry him <>ff l<> an>
lii|>. lik him l>> the arnw
lid I. n.
i,.- | MI hi- I

llif KTOUIK! tliiin hr Kr.iii-<l
and cuiii|il'-i'-ly l--t OKI
riowminM." In tluit slate
he WM <-.irri<-l <
t. .ii uiiiiinK :i|iHin--iili- and
hli-r.illy tlii l.uril

tin* liiwt n*** on
njj toward*
i|.|.|iii Uitil.-lnp

In a jT.-f.wv -

C'uuki: nay*. "The U.til, . I
TatMhima u l.y far tl..-
gmleatand rocwt in i
naval Trafalgnr."

In thin little l--l> I- fi>mnl a
man Ml' mo r I jn. -Hire f itit actli

them, a Camlirid>;e nnder-
j;radnate. refer^to marmalade
( 'amhrid.i,'.- >-|n;i-h " :
while a doorkeeper at the

theatre |.ronon n .-o

pfculiar a manner that il is

.11 it with a /;.

|i|e are

thirst " when they "ant a
drink, and have " wall-
for llii-ir money. Tin' fjody
l-'r, li/n. loo. is distinctly and
admittedly tv.
r.imantie and a modern.
Still, the ri^ht man in.
her, and does the villain in
the . - all

8iAop(v*o ka* "InJtnl in" ,./ rural Sutdnt/SrhnalL " N-.. I'M

\.-l TtU. WHAT M MEAXT BT THK VISITtTHUi "f THK lll>l|.if ? "
iMlf <!irl (aflrr long paiat). " I'l n-i . SIB, A AFFI.KTIOK BEKT FROM

Bunart"

ner (AaVDtniMiiii . l.y WIIIIIM CAINK and
JoHx KAIMUIBX. in miirlv the madd.-.! U.k I have read, and
I ri-.il.l> the moat origioaL One of the original

arKu<-

.il....t tin- u and the anthorvhi). of

the n<-\! If then wrr- > in which 1

,11. n.-i ' 'dd K" ^niM-ihing

/ /niir n't I'llxiund

. \l, '.

Mr. ti. K.Ci

eomj.limenteil Mr. r'l-llil:
I'vwiN on his wi-d(.m in
ea|.inrin clever p.-o pie for
his Fiv.-t Novel l.il.r.iry.
while they flill imagine
that it is dilliciilt I" l-
l'( it wonderlnl,

as Mr. nnrrBAy says after his rani trick.- Vi .Indeed l.y
cxaltcil standard I am afraid that K. C. RTV,

authi.r of .If tin- SJ./M ../ tl- c.m.i;ht i

y.iiiii^ mon^li. or. let i m^ht too yonnK- I hat

will j;i\e her time I.. .i;n.w and. JH-I leveloj. int ..... ie of

(i K.t'.'s rl.-\.r j..-..|.|e. The hero of her story M a Wit of
in.li-rn \oiin l>liinvar. who carried off his lady ln\c. n
the IH-I hl.vd in the llordcr. lint in a motor car. on lh>
of her marriage to another. As there was a lend U-lwe.ii
their lion NT them to meet i-ach other, and

OOOaequeiltly l^H-lnnvai was U.nnd to make the most of his
ill I don't think that he on^ht to have
I her the MI olid time he met her. Nor do I consider that
K. C. l!ui.- ha- writ ten a i lexer I N >k . in spite ol it-

mi*' 'Vmi

. . .

toll. . ,\,-l Ul.rary. Hut it i- ijnite worth her while

. that the WarOHice will arrange for the

im. I ihr meant fur

. 111 tin- .-vent iii a raid, by motor i>
from ly.ieli n to tin- i \it of the Channel Tuiim-l. ('midi.

illy cautioned a^ain-t attempting to net '

; i

mm mytrlf trimt Quill inm ir>it

for the return journey l.y inviting the enemy to %n Lack with

, ,11..:,.

th.-m, unlexs of cunrse . rs.

JANUARY 16, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MEN AND MANNERS. THE STRENUOUS LIFE.

First Strenuous Lh-er. "On TKS, I KNOW BROWNE. LAZY CHAP. USED TO COME HERE LIKE CLOCKWORK; BCT LATELY HE'S TAKEN TO

S] V MM; Mini I IN THE ClTY OR SOMEWHERE, AND HARDLY EVER TURKS UP BEFORE FIVE."

>r rmrf Strenuous Liter (virtuously). "WE'VE KO USE FOR IQLERS HERE." [Business proceeds.

THE WHITE MAN'S BURDEN.

[" The African woman is the African man's
greatest worldly asset." Mrs. French Sheldon
in " Womanhood."]

OH, pity the lot of the nigger

Whom Poverty marks for her own !
He 1ms nothing to wear
But his fuzzy black hair
And an enemy's femoral bone ;
He cuts a deplorable figure
With his cruelly limited life,
Fur what a confession !
His dearest possession
Is-- can you believe it? his wife.

He hasn't a penny to boast of,
He never has heard of a share ;

His mind is a blank

If you mention the bank,
And he greets your remark with a stare.
The asset that he thinks the most of
Is the asset that keeps him supplied

With yams and bananas,

And rice and sultanas,
And mealies and mangoes his bride.

For him no luxurious carriage

Is drawn by the brightest of bays ;
He hasn't a stud
Of the bluest of blood

That the Newmarket stables can raise ;
No motor-car waits in its garage,
Prepared at a moment to start ;
Such joys are denied him
There 's only beside him
The black little wife of his heart.

If such were the lot of the white man
If Fate in her wrath had decreed
That his bride was the best
Of the things he possessed
He were poverty-stricken indeed !
Sans all the gay joys that delight man,
With nothing on earth but a wife,
Sans motors, sans horses,
Saris all the resources
Of civilised man what a life !

Hard Case.

A MoNMOUTH correspondent, who signs
himself " Yours ffaiddffwlly," writes, in
reference to a recent paragraph in Punch,
that " Dr. GLW " is a Welshman, and
pronounces his name " Glue." " This,"
says our correspondent with consider-
able pertinence, " is why he sticks to the
old pronunciation of Latin."

What should A. do ?

Court Etiquette at Chatsworth.

" ON Sunday morning the KING and
QUEEN attended service in the private
chapel at Chatsworth House .... Seated
on the floor of the chapel were the Duke
and Duchess of DEVONSHIRE, Princess
HENRY OF PLESS, Mr. BAI.FOUR, &c., &c."
Manchester Guardian.

Court News.

" THE late Queen of HANOVER was
the mother-in-law of our own Queen
ALEXANDRA. The relationship is not very
close . . ." East Anglian Daily Times.

The second of these two statements is,
of course, much truer than the first.

Tragedy in Court.
Horrible Callousness of a Magistrate.

" PLAINTIFF further said he was afraid
they might try and poison him ; such
things had been before.

After a consultation this was effected,
and the Stipendiary said he was pleased
to hear it." Pontypridd Observer.

VOL. CSSSII.

PUNCH, OR THK I.MNI><>N ClIARIVAlil. [JAXPAIT M. MOT.

FOR KAISER AND KINDERLAND.

as! you whose J or K
Ten. or cracks our Eagles spine,

] .. i . ....... .;;>:

And stamp the Socialists under Mel !
Early and oft mnd all you GUI,
Come and vote tor a Kim's man !

Mot lor the V.terland I plead,
Bat broader tract and a larger breed ;
I refer to oar sphere beyond the fawn.
Where GtMU enjoy m" home from home -
Our chunks of desert, our charters of sand,
Oar glorious Hinler-Kinderland !

Regarding oar Wstch-on-the-Rhine, I own

The rabble affects a loyal tone ;

Hut what of our Watch (with a world at slake)

die niggers of Tanganyika Lake ?
What of Namaqualand, and what
Of our way of humbling the Hottentot?

I* it fair on the Figure that holds the helm
Of a navy built for a eca-wiile realm

fair, I ask, on the win of the son
>f the non-forgettable William One
That his comical schemes should come to smash
For want of a trifle of mere spot-cash ?

Think ! if he leU his anger burn

And washes his hands of the whole concern !

Already he swears that, unices Berlin

- his local candidate in.
lip '11 ahake its dust from his feet and dwell
A hermit aloof in a PoUdara cell !

Picture tin- dolorous Spree in spate,
Swollen with tears for its widowed state ;
I'u t ure the IJndena bare of bloom
In a City of Utter and Abject Gloom,
With never a monarch to flatter its eyes
Esch day in a different martial guise !

Therefore. I beg, lest those tilings be,

Hark to the order - On the Knee ! '

Then rise in your might and go like mad

K<>r the scum of the earth -rogue, Pole and Had. ;

Rise, in fact, like a single man.

And plump for your KAISEK all you can. < -

THE ATLANTIC TUNNEL
(By Owr Sptrial CMMKMMMT.)

So far this great and far-reaching scheme has not nro-
oeeded much beyond what the hue Lord WIUAN wittily called
the pto-and-con. stage, but the promoters are still M
hoping for success. We may perhaps take advantage <>f th
lull in the proceedings occasioned by the fuilur- of the Man
and Fiahguard Bank to summarise the but. >ry . .f tin

; V

. believed in America that , origi

ville, Wis.. but there is good evidence (see Jtfri..ir ( ,
GsntoMrian, by the late WIIA M.I.C.E., VoL II

pp. 123-9. and SuUrmnean 1'rMfmt. b> ,.,!,.!

pp. 380-7) that the initial suggestion of aglanc

and America by a tunnel germinated in the br.nn ..f I T
Divot Jam, a descendant of Admiral Locuo, one of NELBOX'B
fsvoorite capuins. That was in 1

y the subject was tak>-n up by the Press

Immedial

>oth countries and en^; .assed. It met in some

quarters with mendation; in others with

Most chilling ilisfav..nr. It may U- well now to set
down as succinctly as possible the principal charges which
MTP ; against tin- Atlantic Tuiiiii-1, and the

jrincipal advantage* thai have Uvn claimed for it.

Al'\AMAGES.

1 It will oh\iate sea sii-kneea.
It uill .iliviat> Kca-Hicknesm.
3. It will obviate sea-aickneM.

OBJK !!

The following an- eome of tli-' < -vith tin- n.unps

appended of thoae who have urged tli.-m \vitli n

1 It will make it far too easy for Amrrii; here.

Mr. HERBERT PAM. M I'

2. It will I* stuffy. (Mr. EUSTACE MILES.)

3. Suppose the Atlanti l.-.ilv thnmgh?
AVEBUBT.)

4. Sliould t uniifls be so long ? (Prof. CHUSTWf Oou

5. Isn't sen-sickness very g<xxl for us, an i.slan.l i
(Hr. Kin;

IS. We sliall liave a frontier to defcml, which now we have
not. (Lord Bossre.)
7. The fare is likely to be more than twopence. (SAKDT

8. It will ruin shipping. (Sir AI.KISKH

9. The rumbling of tin- trains uill <-aus*> iniiiionse mor-
tality among fish. (Sir FHF.I*UII< K I'oi.i'

10. It will !>. an awful bore, (Mr. FI.-ANK Ui.-n un-

it will lx- noticed that no olijivi piotol from the

American ni<lc, when- the 'runnel is hailed with the gn
enthusiasm, as bringing Europe three or four days nearer:
so much so that we should not be surprised if the Tunnel
were completed from the American side to a point halfway
across the Atlantic and a shaft were then carried vertically
to the surface with a floating landing-stage (or p"i.'
attached to it. Passengers on the steamltoats fr-m F.n^land
would disembark here, descend to the 'runnel in a lift and
be conveyed to New York swiftly by train ; while the Me.mier
would either continue its voyage with the heavier ba^-

.urn to F.nglanil with the pawcngcrs which another of
the trains had brought from New York. It is calculated that
in this way from one and a half to two days would i>e saved
no small consideration to a Wall Street operator. The
objections to this compromise are few and trilling
depth of the sea; (2) the difficulty of mooring a landing
among mid-ocean gales; (3) the notorious instability of lilt
boys' characters.

As to the strategical perils of the Atlantic Tunnel,
American opinion is also favourable. It is general!
sidered that if England were to assail tin- St.it. s it would lx;
by way of the Canadian frontier rather than by forced
marches through this long and badly \entilated .submarine
tube. Moreover, as Col. CODY lias shown in a masterly
memoir, it would be possible to flood the Tunnel in an instant
and engulf the attacking fon e ; or even to wait for them
at the other end and capture each man separately as he
emerged from the lift very much in the manner of the
Pirates and the b^t llovs m !'<.,- /'.;.

r the fail- ,,f the Tunnel as a whole, share-
v this partial scheme in
full working order in from eighty to a hundred years.

A Fatal Beauty.

' It is told t.f her that when, as a Wide, she entered
Ihiblin C.i>ile M a ball, the miiiiiciai. . dead in the I

mid'i Its to gaza at her in ithed admiration," I

Irith Society.

_ l~Lf _ -a^^ "I

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI JANUARY 16, 1907.

TAKING IT LITTOKALLY.

SPANISH GENDARME. "LOOKS AS IF THEY'RE GOING TO BREAK THE PEACE."
FRENCH GENDARME. "YES, I DARESAY. BUT THEY'RE NOT ON OUR BEAT."

[By the terms of the Algeciras Conference the duties of the French and Spanish Constabulary in Morocco are confined to the Sea-board.]

JVM-ARY 10, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

M i ii

Mother. " I DON'T THINK, DARLINGS, THAT YOU SHOULD BE PLAYING CARDS ON A SUNDAY."
Jack. " BUT, MUMMY, WE'RE NOT PLAYING PROPERLY. WE'RE ONLY CHEATING!"

THE CULT OF GRIMNESS.

THE new Play at the Court Theatre having aroused a
lively controversy as to the true end of dramatic art, Mr.
I'init'h has been at paina to gather a sheaf of opinions
from leading representatives of modern thought.

Mr. AI/,I.U\O\ ASIITON, who was on the point of starting
for Woking when our representative arrived, courteously
delayed his departure for a few minutes and expressed his
opinions on the subject with his usual lucidity and candour.
"1 think," lie said, "that, in a pleasure-loving, frivolous age
like ours, dramatists ought to insist on the Aristotelean
principle of piirifying their aiidiences by pity and terror.
1 am glad to note therefore that Golliwogs were in evidence
at the .luvenile Fancy Dress Ball at the Mansion House last
week, and the continued popularity of Grimms Fairi/
Tiilcn is a hopeful sign." Here Mr. ALGERNON ASHTOX
adjusted a mute to his violin and hurried off to Waterloo in
his all-black " Mors " landaulette.

Mr. W. S. (liuiEiiT is also a firm believer in the educa-
tional use of the horrible, witness the prominence assigned
to the headsman in '/'//<> Yeoman of the Guard, and the choice
of " ( Irimsdyke " ;is the name of his ajtately home in the
Harrow Weald.

Mr. (',]> II:<;K \II\\\HKK writes: "AsT have already stated
in The Itn'ihj Mail, there is a demand for the grim play,
but it must be met in the proper spirit. It is not enough
to inspire horror by facial expression alone ; the whole
resources of sartorial art must be enlisted to enhance the de-
sired effect. I know by experience that there is no surer way

of conveying the impression of sinister and uncanny wicked-
ness than by wearing baggy trousers of Harris tweed with a
single white spat."

Mr. A. C. BmsOK begged to be excused from giving an
opinion on the ground that the subject was exhaustively
treated in the chapter on the terribilita of MICHELANGELO in
his forthcoming monograph on the great Florentine ; in
his biography of IVAN the Terrible, which would be ready
for publication in another fortnight ; as well as in his new
Life of TORQUEMADA, which he hoped to finish on February 14.

Mr. BARRIE expressed himself against the macabre, in drama
and denied the truth of the rumour that he was engaged on a
new play to be called The Colossal Sinister.

ON MUTABILITY.

AH, Poet, when you wrote your mournful lay,
And sang that in each unsuspecting breast
There lurks the gnawing microbe of unrest,
That Constancy is but a name to-day,
And naught there is that will not pass away ;

Then, though great spasms shook my ample chest,
I cried, " A poet must, of course, know best ;
All things indeed are destined to decay."
But now Hope lifts again her 'minished head ;
For lo, at breakfast, when my sad eyes ranged
Over the morning news, a dazzling line
Burst on my sight and warmed my blood like wine ;
Whereat in joyoua! tones I loudly said,

" Thank Heav'n the Bank rate still remains unchanged ! "

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A TRAP FOR
Ml. Pom's Uvr

COUNTRY M:CL

Mil.

1907.

Bat, talking. .f en- QUR VICAR'S DREAM,

be at ftf**" 1 " Yard is when a ...

e detective staff in posses- Cbwrnraivo that Our Baaar was still

sSoVof a ?f?43* foTa^ .week .Usta,,,. I though, that the face
By an old unwritten l.ut \ ' " r ," : "", nl ! y Kr ')T

to coma

pre*. or n mu mini iii'-u "

Moorable law, double rations of Scotch As I ..hook Inn, ,y the hand

" h:m.l.-d "" customs Mill survive in our remote

Scotia

(hence ncouaml larti; are unnuru

is. of coarse. Unadopted home round whenever a clue is hit upon, and -.,1 > ><'1<' W

i finding it as it in not until thin ceremony has !> '\ maintained a paltry iit\-

^.BBartlieHouseVofParlia- observed that the val. f th. "Mr. SIM.-A, 1 have bad a en

the Cabinet haw inexpensive examined there are sometimes as many dream

, in and abo^SooSsnTYard as eight clues in an hour. No SO "<>h," ud I, still keep.ng an

KMT Scotland Y. !!* however, has a clue Ixx-n approved of mind.

J4MUX. for example, ha, than the whole d,-., I gets to "\e8.averycuriousdream.

vain* Street, which work. The first thing in to , He mused.

jaS^tnTroaZ Mr. W.UJVM overcoat*, some being turned inside out "II '< BnWOK,

uriv eoaoonoed in a I* rease the disguise. Wigsarethen that our methyls of ,, er wrae

sitting-room w the A. B.C. at the donned, moustaches J ' '"" "~ '""" " Kai>1 '"" '

And so forth. Tlie lodgings whiskers floored, noses reddened. The
actually in the Yard itself
dosively occupied by

,, r cut off, eion are tnfle obsdetej

It n-v.-r I

criminals
the police are most in need.
TVy have bond that living
. -, .. _ !
is by far the safest thing

Lrt us enter the famous
hoad-quarurs of the 1'. !.
though why called
"head" no one has ever yet

A series of lmi.1 double
knocks and a few f mtxied
lasting over ten
or so, will bring
sergeant to the
\\'f thrn enter and
art- led retpertfully into
a snail but luxurious ante-
room, where we are care-
fnOjr searched and ei
change oar boots for list
slippers lest we make

i - 1 *

ch noise and m-
with the delicate
of the

OUR UNTRUSTVVoHTHY ARTWT IS l.o.M
STOTLUB YAEO AT Wou. DKracnrn roixoixu A Scsracr.

The

"Till

SIMPSON, it had
struck mi-. Till last night
I had always thought that
Ilritish Commercial Knter
prise" I rii-ed my hat
reverently) "had at le:i>t
survived in one quarter
the Church Ifci/^uir. That
ill la>t night."

lie ].ause<l. 1 could S.H-

his puke was
ground.

" Mr. Si MI- IN ' Tell me,
have you ever heard I
implore you to speak
truthfully have you ever
heard of any one visiting a
irillmut xjH'ililniij n
penn;/ .' "

Should I conceal my
knowledge? No, that
would ! cowardly. He

know the

" The thing has been
I whispered "for
a wa^ -

"Then, who knows l.ut

detective staff, or wake anyone up. whole staff having changed its appear that it may IN- done again ? "

Oar courteous cicerone then leads us ance this one U-mg a coster and that " Who knows! "

from one room to another of this fasci- a prize-ngliU-r, thin a Salvation Army I saw that even the masterful self

noting building. We aee everything. We soldier and that a Member of I'arhi control of our Vicar could -

aw the kilcbena where the umniM ment. this n Herman bandsman and that n-striin the emotions Rtirging within.

bloodhound soap (or " SJetitho," as it is a Il.irl.-y Street surgeon they sally "Mr. SIMI-SON. I will tell you of my

sjanatirally called) i lrewel. <m forth en SKMM, cheered on their way by dn-nm, and then you may judge wh.-tln r

Its of froaen bloodhrxind arriving neighbouring windows by all the lending that I was gazing far into the future,

daily from the little inland of criminab of England, and melt iu>i-r a future in which old cu-toms, old

guinar. We aee the carpenters' ceptibly int.. the streets on their separate institutions, hail vanished and U-come

where scores and scores of the and exciting minions. Some |..-H,.,|.- as du-t all save the Church 15a/.a .r

Ah This cunnjiig weapon in the hands of

. Charity alone <>emi-d to have flourished.

Kor. as I li.k. I. 1 was wafted

:- > ..mt-r-. , ( | r ,,,ming) "into a large

sblrst members of the Force are engaged never to return alive !
hi protracting esses. We see UM .

tslatfi|ih room, where an operator aits
day and night transmitting in cipher
that mean His or death to

of gvihy and innocent per-

of arrests all over the worid. Nothing

:..!.- '

ing when there happens to be anyone
in who can read the cipher.

in Moroccan affairs (as illustrat'

'inch ' cartoon of the Spanish and
French gendarmerie confined to {>int-

duly ..n th- littoral) seems to have been
foreshadowed by the poet DBTDFA

Tho'Korw'of Europe coall no furtli

building where the multitude of live-
shilling ticket holders was not to be
iHimlicred any more than the Hands of
the seashore. It was a da/aar. and as
MII' mi-ts clearecl from ID- fore nr.
I i-oui it the opening ceremony

i. id just lx-'u p-rWim-d I iv one whose

JAM-ART 16, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

fnx-k-coat pnx'laimed him to be a
popular actor. Then, before I could
recover from my surprise, I saw this
er matinee idol walk from stall to stall,
speaking a word of encouragement here.
spending a half-crown there, and losing
a button of his frock-coat to Charity
every step or two." Onr Yiear pauseil
and fidgeted nervously with an imaginary
moustache,

".Mr. Si.Mi'snx, do you really think
Nature intended bazaars to be opened

Iry in, men .' "

"Hut Lady BujUDLB-BurePKLL?"

" 11 in ! I suppose we couldn't put her
off. I suppose we 1 may add, Mr.
SIMPS IN, that those buttons were rallied
.sr/>iiiM/r/i/." The Vicar seemed tu lie
making a mental calculation. "But to
proceed with the dream. The first stall
that I visited -still in my dream, Mr.
SIMPSON was one at which a party of
ladies submitted to the indignity of
receiving kisses, for a consideration of
if I remember rightly half a guinea
the set."

" My dear Vicar, that idea is much
older than Posterity."

" Possibly, Mr. SIMPSON. But I ought
to explain that no s<x>ner had a gentle-
man left their stall, than he was con-
fronted by one of the touts of the
I/x-al Information Department who had
taken lessons in the' rudiments of
Blackmail. That idea is, I believe,
somewhat novel and should certainly
prove a mine of wealth to Charity.

" Next I visited the Burglary Stall.
Yon must know, Mr. SIMPSON, that for
weeks before the opening of this Ba/.aar
a party of ladies and gentlemen had
been practising the gentle art of house-
breaking. On the opening day they
paid surprise visits to the homes of
all those who had purchased family
tickets. And the humorous side of
this enterprise was that the unfortunate
householders were under the compul-
sion of buying back their sets of plated
spoons at the price of real nilver"

lie sighed when he thought of all the
money that had changed hands at this
stall.

"There were also Conjuring Enter-
tainments at which visitors' gold watches
were transformed into rabbits and
guinea pigs. When these were not in
progress the conjuror lent his valuable
assistance to the Iiaflling Committee.
He drew the numbers from the hat.
The winner in every ease proved to be
an unknown person who never claimed
his prize. In this way. one table-centre
was rallied twenty-four times.

" '1 hen there was the Countess of
CABSHALTON'S Introduction Stall, and the

Pawning Stall, and the , I think 1

awoke at the Pawning Stall."

I looked at our Vicar's watch-chain.
It was only a dream.

glass

Formidable Navvy (to Gent, who is about to give corrective touches to his tie in shop looking
us). " DON'T YOU TOUCH IT, Sin. I WOULDN'T IF I WAS YOU. I WOULDN'T BEALLY !

"Mr. SIMPSON, do }-ou think any of
these ideas might possibly come under
the Charity Crimes Exemption Act ? "

I did not think.

I feared our Vicar was going to give
way again, but manfully he resisted the
temptation. I saw a far-away look steal
o'er his features. "I wonder," he
murmured, "I wonder if Mr. GEORGE
A i. EX. \XDEII or Mr. LEWIS WALLER would
be disengaged on the twelfth."

I left him wondering.

The next time I met the Vicar was
just before the opening ceremony of
Our Bazaar. In his hands were two
telegrams.

"Mr. SIMPSON, I am afraid we shall
have to fall back on Lady BLUNDLE-
BLUXDELL after all." Then his counten-
ance brightened. On tiptoe he conducted

me across the Village Hall to an un-
furnished stall. He pointed to a large
notice-board. " A little idea borrowed
from Posterity," he whispered. I read :

LOCAL INFORMATION STALL.

The truth about Mrs. SMYTHSON'S . d.
black -silk 2 &

Why the DHUMMONDS left Holly-
bank Lodge 30

What happened at Lady GCSSETT-
OHMILOE'S At Home after Miss
JONES left (official) 50

The true cause of the misunder-
standing between the Vicar and
Miss STAMMERS ; with a forecast
of the line of action which
Miss S. will take up in the
event of a breach of promise . 10 6

There was money in it.

PUNCH, OR THi: K'XDON CH.MMVAKI.

ON THE CHOICE OF PETS.
not contain P**-

whicfa do

It M

gtoerally dog. though I know one

lest they shall be stolen, and a

, . . . . . , .

;.,,

aity for the day-time, while at night-
time the only way to guard .
ia to lork your 1

Tirn fo wrll wilt sIsMM tnj drew.

home where there is trouble because a
lady has given up smooth-coated terriers
in favour of long-haired musicians.

But there are signs that dogs are

oned. In these days when we all
have our expensive motorcars, economy
hat to be considered. If you keep a
dog vou have to pay a tax, but not if
you keep a lion, a polar bear, a tiger, a
leopard, a butterfly, a hippopotamus, a
silkworm, or a wart-hog. A few words
on these alternatives may therefore be
bdnful to householders.

In choosing a pet, do not forget to
consider ^^f Question of climatic condi-
tions. Hemember th.it a polar bear
which may thrive at Hanipstaad will
pine away in South London.

Lions, I am afraid. I cannot recom-

unreauvedly

Their sue ia very
a take one

owt for a walk with you. in Kurupe at
any rat*, you will probably attract iimrv
attention than is denimhle, and run the
risk of being called ostentatious,
member the saying. "If you keep a

- -

still, your servants. Only the other
day. when I was paying a visit at the
boose of a friend who owns a magnifi-
imen of the South African
of the Desert, sn hysterical

Huffy are eat the rp-and-down
>od now he's ohaain' Cook round
the back garden." The Master bad to
threaten Fluffy that if be .1
at once he should not hare his piece of
sugar that erraing. Another dra

that one is in a perpetual stale of fear

Far more desirable than a htm, m
my o| Tiger* always

look neat, and for ladies tin- point is
an important one they go well with
almost any dretts. In f->- 1 I know
nothing more becoming '" > MP*'
coatnme. " Yellow Hoy. - r. re

quires cnreful looking after in our
climate. It must not be forgotten that
Immediately he begin*
look droopy, i*>p him
for nil hour or two.
Many a valuable creature has been lc*-t
owing to the neglect of this 8imi>h>
precaution.

! by, not a bad substitute for
a full-grown' tiger, and considerably
cheaper, is a cat But those who are

lie is an exotic.
to shiver and
into the oven

A rhildb-M couple would do well to consider
UM wuvhog.

fond of mice should not keep a cat :
they miiht have tigers.

If you are anything of a Sportaman,
buy not a tiger or a cat, hut a leopard
andan air-gun. You will then be able to
have some admirable target- practice on
your leopard. Choose your spot, and
at it. I have long thought that

the reason why we are not a nation ,.|
marksmen ia our seemingly ineradicable
diajike of keeping leopards. Of course
nut choose your leopard with cnre.
iat you get a good natur- .
With a little experience u.u will won
be able to know what point* you should

nti-Ti Inii i

twinV! .-rally tl,.

r IHIV a !
second I i.o i-l. or at a sale. You m.iy l

I reduced,
not all that he should I*-.

I ii--.il ^an-.-ly My that the best-
n.iiun-'l lii-pard in tin- world may l>e a
Kit ton. -I, y at tuii-s. Id- m;i> r-'im- t
i hat In- has had enough
-f tli- 'I''"*

poor duiiii

| lfta to his mi-ailing ! u-. ny

signs. \Vhni tin- 1. i>i-.-ird f.i-ii-ns his
livth into you, \oii may tak-

i_'ii tlial tin- fun

him. It is his

ginning to pull U)H>II
warning. !>TM*I tln-li.

Hy tin- way. an undoubted drawback

I, i li, and leopard.- is ihp

fact tllat they moult on-.- a year. To

persons to whom this is an insuperable:
objection 1 would recommend Kthiopiann.
These cannot change their .-kins, try as
they may.

The i hoice of peta is really infinite,
and it i.-, astonishing how hackneyed the
taste of the average man is. In my own
house I h; 'ory. A friend

advised me to have a few liirds there.
I ai.kt.-d him 'What sort'/" lie wa.-
pM-al man in the stnt-t. and
answered "Canaries." I scorned the
bourtjeoix ide-a. and went out and lumght
.1 couple of vulttircji. The r!'

striking.

'J'heru must, however. 1x3 many per-
sons who an- on this look-out for
tiling really biztiriv in the way of
The attention of these 1 would r-
fully draw to the undoubted claims of
the wart-hog. The wart-hog always
looks distinguished. II- B ngly

than u bulldog, and you do ii"t have
to take out a licence to keep him. A
childleHs couple would do well to con-
sider the wart-hog. Only ! careful in
naming him. You will have uo idea
how prone a friend is to lake offence
until you give your wart-hog the same
name as your friend bears.

Lovers of <|iiiel and sufferers from

A liippnpotmun. stuffed, make* a norel and
Irikinx

JANUARY 16, 1007.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Xw\tWc

Liltle Willie. " YOU'LL CAT. K IT, GERALD, WHEN MOTHER SEES TOD!"

Gemlil (irlin linn Jntijnlli-n ,-rri-ijlliiinj in tin' rjccilrmenl t>f the game). " Wllv ? Is MT COLLAR DIRTY?"

neuralgia require special consideration
in the matter of pets. To these I would
recommend silkworms, whose language
is unexceptionable, except when you
have to take the lettuce from them for
the salad ; or butterflies, whose bark,
even when they are angry, is scarcely
audible; or moths. Moths, however, re-
quire a lot of pampering. For instance,
you must, unless you would for ever be
listening to grumbles, supply them with
fur overcoats. And for people with
nerves who cannot stand animals which
are always jumping and frisking about,
there are snails. Tortoises, again, are
durable, and slow to take offence. But
if MIU are keen on having a pet that
will not soon wear out, take my advice
and go in for a hippopotamus. Hippo-
potami are very little trouble, and eat
anything. All you have to do is to
take them once a day to the Serpentine.
or your nearest river, for a swim, for the
little beast ies are very fond of water.
And remember that they are somewhat
sensitive in the matter of names. An
acquaintance of mine owns a lady hippo-
pot.mius, and the vain creature will only
purr when he calls her Fifine.

Finally, a point well worth consider-
ing, especially by economical folks, when
choosing a pet is this : Shall I be able
to eat it or use it after death? Ducks,
for example, will give satisfaction in
this respect. In their lifetime they will
lend a nice countrified appearance to
a drawing-room. Of course one cannot
have water there, but a sheet of looking-
glass on the floor serves as well, for
ducks have never been noted for intelli-
gence. After death they are admirable
in the dining-room. Take your tiger,
again, when his soul has departed, press
him between the leaves of a heavy book,
and you have a handsome rug. A
hedgehog carefully treated will form a
capital stand for hat -pins; and a
hippopotamus, stuffed, makes a novel
and striking paper-weight.

IN connection with our article of last
week on " Taking a Licence," a corre-
spondent writes to say that by an Act
intituled The Canal Boats' Act Amend-
ment Act, 1884, a travelling caravan is
not a carriage or a cab or a cart or a
house, but just a canal boat.

Teeth for Swallowing.

" DENTIST constructs Artificial Teeth by

suction without pain, which are perfect for
eating and drinking. Single Tooth, 5. ; Set,
2." Irish Times.

WE do not pretend to follow the
process of constructing Artificial Teeth
by suction, but we are glad to think
that it is painless. At the same time
we cannot honestly recommend ivory
either as a food or a beverage.

SOME people have seen fit to mock at
the emptiness of the electric airs on the
Embankment. But a word should surely
be said for the almost superhuman
ingenuity of the L.C.C. official who, in
selecting his " arrcls du tramway,"
contrived so well to ignore the require-
ments of the public. Thus there is no
stopping-place opposite Temple Station
or Charing Cross Station, or the approach
to Bouverie Street.

THERE is grief over the waning of the
White Star in the Liverpool sky. Local
Shakspcarians are remarking that
The jollity of Mersey is restrained.

PUNCH, OB THB LONDON OHAB1VARI.

"Me*. ADJLM.S Du \i-i i\tt m>T HT THIMOK?"
"Win Sn. v... Sit. BIT SOMETIME* I ttowt!'

80UTLAN1'

UN.

>tin in UM pnapcet

o4 a I ItuavJTun
ad wwU !* Uw mmt nnrUtrni
a/ tfaatlaad Md not In lb

l.lr.

iamj. Aaria. Biaaia. fWria, Bui
n. fi^ini Bnma>ii.TMiy and Craeea."]

EH. Sin, my hairt ha* aft been wae
-funk boo foreign f<4k
loomed to groan the leelang day
'Nmih ignorance'! yoke ;

An a the hm> created

To pine awa' m lUrkncw a 1

Untaught, aneddkaled.

IamaneihkeMlko)

To blane the When Turk*
Far bein' MC benighted nwo.

Though Uuu' MIT their warki ;
>e)r were Mind in tool and mind,

An* wMfalljr fall ihort in
What ,* DO their hut

8t nracfa M their million m.

For boo wr n- ther to keo, pair detk,
Twist richt an' wraog, while they

iili^lii. n.-l chiels

In outer darknem lay ''.
They 've had nae chance to mak' advance

Toward* a deo-i.i life, iix.n
I '11 IIP|KC my W'inl. h"iue lievna li-.inl

The very name o' Fife, i

Hut then- '11 lie changes cumin' i.

MI a twa-Uiree year
We 'U hae expntwn. ruiuiin' tlim'
i a' the airts t<> h< i
.reiona tae I doot we '11 hae,
An' folk '11 cume in hunnerw

V - \ i: . .- .,- ...
To tee oor Fifeshire wunners.

u. 'tis true aa true can be,
'n they begin to move
'Mid rulturnl Filers sic aa me

They canna but improve :
The French 'U tee it ' wrong to be

Sae licht an' fickhvhairted ;
The Dutch and Finns will
An' flee to be convairi'

Frae Turkey tae. wh ,,ht.

Throngh-rairi'lfjPM will ,
i urk-i will ink' a n.v
Byxantium ;

An' nii'liU' when thi-y Ir.irn I" ki'ii

||,., N-, ,| ,-,,.|lri\i- t" I.- IP
Tlit-v 'II tr.iivrl l.uk in li:i.-ti- ;iu' niak'

The Si I.IAN join tin- \\

III ay. tin- laiig lilac-k nit-lit that seemed

Wit In ! an cii'l i.-. i

Ilii- ^li.ri'ni- ihiy i ,' liii li I M- 'In-.unod
.ill \N ill il.iun at 1
fii in HI tin- sun lin-aks tlmiii^li

luinii^li'-d metal,

Kur hail the tli.K-lit! tin- \vai '1 is Imn-ht
In

Another Tragedy.

"On Friday niglit Uio nriiii''i.il ]>ii'l ;it
Melrove ww the nceni- of njiirito<l tlirtw-rink
match between the home playiTs ami tin' r!nl>
from Q*U. ll WM one of i.
games <>f the aeason. nd result.. I \\\ i ..,
" Sox .-/rr.

Th.. Pace that KilU.
I IT. prooeMioo moved off at a walk, the

nil cavalry galloping af-
lik^ Coiack of the Don." /).'-/ Moil.

Ami's

k -'

T'i llio insi'iri-<l riati'iiti-i- nf llir
Bakerloowefm-ly oti- uinl nanu/

fur the Channel Tonne] : The

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -JANUARY 10, 1907.

KEEPING IT DOWN'

FROM BISMARCK TO BIJELOW.

A BIGGER TASK FOR A SMALLER MAN.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE LETTER OF THE LAW.

Mr. fl utikle (who is trying eery liard to be a Country Gentleman). " LOOK 'EDE, BILES, WUY 'AVEN'T TOD SHIPPED THESE? DIDN'T I

TFU. TOD THE 'ol'NDS WERE COMIKG TO-DAY?"

liileg. " WHY, THEM 's MARTENS' NESTS ! "

A/r. II ankle. " I DON'T CARE WHAT THET ARE. THE MASTER TOLD SIE TO 'AVE EVERY 'OLE ABODT THE PLACE STOPPED DP."

TO A BRUSSELS SPROUT.

FAKKWKLL, my spherical Belgian friend ;
Since everything here must have its end,
Since the world 's a shadow, and dark at that,
And is certainly stale and, I doubt not, flat;
And, since 1 am tired of eating you,
We '11 part : it 's the one thing left to do.

\Vith a right good will and endurance stout
You 've stuck to it well, my Brussels Sprout.
Oh, every day for a month and more
'ion 've wandered in at the kitchen door,
And observed to the cook, " They pine for me ;
So dish me up for the family."

The monotonous cook, whom you spoke so fair,
She took you and boiled you and dished you there;

And the butler bore you elate along,
And then he went and he beat the gong ;
And the family said, when they saw you plain,
" Good heavens, it 's Brussels Sprouts again ! "

Each, day in your pride, my Brussels Sprout,

You imagined you couldn't be done without ;

And when the family sat and fed,

You gave yourself airs and you ruled the spread ;

But when lie offered you green and hot,

" No, thanks " was all that the butler got.

Farewell ! henceforth you may stay and boar
As well as you can the winter air.
You may stay and stick to your lanky stalk
In the bed that borders the garden walk,
Or else you may go and be boiled, d'you see?
As long as it 's not for mine or me.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE SOCIAL REFORMERS.

Tkt ten* u At WUoraWwow of a
t belonging to MsCsat
appear* in the " Soeiety
Column" IT** nektnima regularity.
In enairt round At fre *r teated
our old friend* VtamK, BoBBffi. and

Cult*. FunNE and CLU-OK an fmok-

ing. BOBBIE i* rraiiinj '

K Lanx'a artels in the " World" on

Knew it was all rut Father
VAOGBUX. you know, and all that.
Hen's faUer crackin' u up all round

.n't tell H-, ;/ .11 're

t in
ions of .1:1

.: '
favour o

- . .: ;-..' '

Freddi. O<-
probably that i* BATTUUXE girl. AM
you know you did throw your soup at
her at -t night.

W&mktlvmoUifbJ). Ohwell
That's right. Stout fellow.

Now, let '* see. where was 1 ? " Unreal

res

Freddie. Soccer.
roe over on to a

to this. " The work of tle Smart

Set has been thai of slowly filing from
the wrists Jish social life the

fetters of the vulgar and pompous social
idea* of an earlier period. '

Claude Talking of wrists, by the
wav. how *s youra/F ntt ?

FreMie, Top-hole, thanka. Took it
out of the aling this morning. Be able
to use it in a day or two.

Bobbie. M ' see. was it tobogganing
downstairs or the soccer in the drawing-
Young Ivo barged
table-full of china.
Tried to save the blessed thing, and
came down on my hand. Sprained it
badly.

Claude Tell you what it is, tliat
feQer oughtn't to be allowed to play in u
drawing-ronm. He . h.irgw like a pro.

BMie. Ilk way of " filing th fetters,"
I suppose.

Fredtiie. AH very well, but when it
comes to s thirteen-stone feller putting
his shoulder into your ribs and shoving.
1m all for " the vulgar and pompous

- . ' : '

Clause (meditatively). Hum those dsj-s

must have been ! 1 don't see how they

filed in the evenings then.

Frr-Llir N booby-traps, what?
Claude. My WOP I, we ve taught 'em

a lot. We 're -what d'you call 'em?

pectability." <>l,

FreMie. One second. \Yhere an- the
cigars? Make a long arm, CUM t>i
Thanka.

\The apfJifntwii nf mtitche* to the cigars
eaute* thm- Wxir/i ntnl simultniii-""*
The reformer* look at

inuthrr from under tinged eye-
brovt. l-'a'int <ui<i tilcery laughter
litter* through thf <l<>r.
All. Rather smart. what?
Bobbie (dauiitletfly returning hit recul-
The Smart Bet have demonstrated
that it U the best fonii t> be natural and
entirely BBaJDMesd."

manner). All the same, 1 wish the de-
monstrations weren't so confoundedly
painful.

1'lnude. (neattmring a mouthful of
tcorehed flour). Same here.

(Scene dote*)

THE

VINDICATION OF
PRINCIPLE.

Au. the world travels by train.

THE

One

Chap
ataod

Bsttw.

'.'lie. Martyrs, sometimes. Don't

2f wrist.
(taking up hi* paper again).
foe* on. hays we've made a
gain** "the Mupid conventions
of an unreal respertahil

~Tt* door aat*l *ile nil y, and a My*
leriou* Hand fling* a paper bag,
Mwieh hit* Cut ic and burst*, eorrr-
ing him trith four.
Claud* (with em<4ion\ Hen, I say!

[.:,,

Babbie (apprucingly) flood shot that,
for a ,

half must have the window open and
the other half must have the window
shut. The former call the latter " Frow-
sters" and themselves " Hygienists ; '
the hitter Rill the former "Fresh Air
Fiends" and themselves "Hygienists."

I am a Hygiemst. To me the open
window is an essential principle (here-
inafter called "The Principle"). The
other five passengers in the carriage were
Frowstcrs, bigoted partisans of Fug
Collision of opinion was from the first
inevitable, and declaration of war was
soon made by the Frowsier who sa
nearest to the corridor He closed tin

so that the Frowsters were now one up
;id five to play.

The next limit was short and disastrOtM.
Vhile I was spluttering and mumliling
laudihlc and unintelligible
lolher Frowsier pulled the window up
: hole to " ki-<-|> the draught off
IB poor Kald head." I, who had not the
assert my right-, wc.ikly
ermitted it. ami as nothing MI.
ke success the window s.m went up
ne and then another h. !.

The Frow-ters were now four up and
wo to play. They had won the match
nd were jubilant. Hut they did not
in the live-, and in this affair it was
:e l.\e that mattered. " We think that
e will have the window closed alto-
ether," they chorused, "if you do not
lind." " < M-nllemeii." I ansuentl. "I
o mind. This is my window. I tan
live without fresh air. 1 .shall keep
lie window op-Mi." Innumerable t'
inch argument. S.HIIC hard names and
no attempt at active interference were
navailing. The window remained

t the !.]. The 1 our if not the

ictory)of the Principle seemed assured.

The cool bre. refreshing

o my heated hro\:. 1 felt that 1 could
fford to l)e generous, ami handed my
xjpcosit not without insolent comp.
o the Man < Ipposite .... For
ime I wntchel with amusement the
sxaggerated shivering of the Frow
ill I l>egan to wonder whether it was
xagger.ited. whether the tem|H-rature
vasnot possibly a bit low .... I
, began to be thankful that the window-
was only open at the top .... In half-
111 hour I thought that it was almost
cool, ulld felt that 1 should not make a
very gr.-.it fuss now if the Fro

i onha\ing the window shut alt.n

Now, a Caw years ago I
shouldn't wonder if a feller n, .
have cut up rough at a little thii .
that.

Claudt. But, I aay, look hen !

door and all the available ventilators
on his side, and I opened the wind
and all the available \entilators on my
side. The d ostenta

tiously and started conversation amonj
themeclvn- a i>articu

liard winter. I remained stolidl
I for the moment th

There was a pause. Tin-nth.
resumed with further and loud, :
veraation on t! draughts

''',; .-.-..:,;. v-.
.nfiil death resulting therefroii
he said, and raised tl
window one h
There are six holes in a window strap

gether .... Another half hour p.
mil yew, it was distinctly cool, much
..iler than I thought .... Keally, it
was positively cold !

Slowly hut surely the awful truth
law-mil ii|>on me in all its cruel irony.
[ was chilled to the IKHIC; the Principle
would not allow me to a.-k the Man

,te for my coat ; the Principal
would not allow me to close the window ;
[ was on the verge of free/ing, and,

f all, the FrowMers knew it.
I gave in. Tin- (old was
to be : I said. " 1

am willing to yield to a majority. ^ on

i:a\e the window shut."

"Sir," I said to the Man Opi
"although hot m\self. 1 can see that it
may feel cold to tho.-e who, unlike
myself, ar. d to tin- in-sh air.

I will therefore waive my oi
your raising the window." .... In
~pite of \oiir ungrateful nll v -

mi-n." I resumed in dcspuir, " I will
raise the window for you myself." Then
the long silence was broken by a chorus

JANUARY 16, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

AUTHORS ON THE TRAIL; OR, SOME MORE "SPECIAL INVESTIGATORS."

Impired by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's latest enterprise. (See " The Dally Telegraph.")

Wfflf

BRITAINS AJTHORfSS

NOT ALLOWED
LEST THE MIDDLE. CLASHES
SHOULD BE ALTOGETHER
SWEPT AWAY

THE GiiF.ERA MYSTERY.

The bashful Mr. 11-11 C'-ne, completely dis-
guised as mi advertisenieiil, agent, seta out to
track to hia lair that troublesome individual
who bears so close a physical resemblance to
Mr. C'-ne that lie is interviewed and photo-
graphed almost without cessation (except to
take foo.'l) in mistake for mir premier Manx
novelist. Mr. C'-ne naturally feels that it is
wortli a long and fatiguing search and a
laborious sifting of evidence to fathom the
mystery.

TRAUIC AFFAIR AT STRATFORD-ON-AVON.
Miss M-r-e C-r-lli decides to conduct a
special personal investigation into the follow-
ing tragic incident in one of the principal
streets of Stratford. An American tourist of
the most pronounced type was recently heard
to express, in a moment no doubt of temporary
insanity, the opinion that Shakspeare's House
was "undoubtedly just the most int'resting
domicile in that city." If the Extradition Law
is found to cover the case no effort will l>e spared
by Miss C. to bring the miscreant to justice.

A SCOTCH MURDER.

Mr. 0-rge B-rn-rd Sh-w has just heard for
the first time of a series of atrocious murders
in the North of Scotland by a family named
Macbeth. Tha commission of the crime was
revealed some little time ago by a struggling
but deserving playwright, whose name has
slipped Mr. Sh-w's memory, but Mr. Sh-w is
now on the trail with the deadly determination
and pertinacity of the sleuth-hound.

as malicious as it was unanimous:
" We cannot live without freah air. We
will have the window open."

1 shall not dwell on the rest of that
journey at length. It lasted for two
hours, and the memory of it is painful
to me. You must imagine for yourselves
(if you really want to know all about it)
the physical pain of gradual freezing,
the silence in which my efforts to per-
suade the Frowsters to ask me to close

ing, his condition must seem compara-
tively bright when contrasted with the
settled gloom of a Third-class Waiting-
room. " Come," I said to myself, " it is
not as bad as all that. While there is
life there is hope. I will up and do.
I also will go to the First-class Refresh-
ment Room." I had been struck with
an idea.

Through the glass partition of the

door I saw the Frowsters deep in their
the window were received, the offensive- j cups and (as would have been obvious
ness with which they snuggled into ' to a less perceptive person than myself)
their topcoats, and the particular offen- | rehearsing possibly for the twentieth
siveness with which the Man Opposite time the tale of my defeat. With mag-
wrapped mil topcoat round his knees. nilicent audacity I hurled the door open.
After what seemed an eternity th^-The force of the impact, making a noise
journey ended. The Frowsters, with not unlike the crack of doom, produced
the ostentatious jubilation of men who an immediate silence, and, with all eyes

are unused to victory, marched in fixed upon me,
triumphal procession to the First-class indistinctly nor
Refreshment Room. 1, the frozen and
apparently subdued, crept into the
nearest refuge, which happened to be
the Third -class Waiting-room. Now,

said (and that not
without emphasis),
' Waiter, bring me an iced drink."

"Sir ?" said the waiter, and I
thanked my stars for the blank expres-
sion on his face. From that I knew that

however depressed a man may be feel- the ice could not be supplied, and felt

that I could now with immunity insist
on having it. My insistence was noisy,
and my indignation on learning that my
demand could not be satisfied was
thorough.

At first the Frowsters were nonplussed,
as better men than they would have
been, but surprise quickly gave way to
blind fury. Fiery of eye and confused
of speech they rushed upon that waiter.
With honeyed words and curses, with
smiles and tears, they tried to compel
him to produce the ice which he said he
had not got They threatened and
bribed, they implored and abused. I,
feeling that this was a fitting climax,
left them at it, left them clustered round
the waiter, while the Man Opposite, in a
speech full of gesticulation and repeti-
tion, poured into his unwilling ear the
tale of their grievances and suffering.

A minute afterwards 1 was being
served in the First-class Refreshment
Room on the other platform with a cup
of the hottest coffee that money could
procure.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR1VAKI - "'<

CHARIVARIA.
reachea

i-M.

COnUin- next vn!

t,. 1-

horrors '

American porary. Pertonallyweknowaemnll.til.
lawn- borrora on tbe atage wbo appear - -

battle- quite popular.

huge dimension* that it

pply. minutes,
led that the Council
might make a handsome profit l>y
candles for use on such occasions.

the issue of the

nimt ia going to hy down acme
ahipa of awn

It poaaible tbat aome peraona bare
been wondering why tbe I*nrad*e*g*l

waa not station. 1 in the Strand. One
of our Bonthliea. in an article on the giant
battleahip. publUliea a drawing

The current nuinlier of /'
noitii.Trom which it isobvkms Mayazlnf puhlishra a variety of X.

',.Wll.m \\IM HIM -

What must U- tin- large*) M
Hat in the world mad.- its ap]>earance
I.,. the Theatre de 1'Ambigtl

further failure of U 1' '"' k ' '" Ivv ''"'- v

that th<-
was tli.- i
!irr hand the
-laiitly

\ r ,.p,,-
,l,. ;l ,l, I'.MI.',

rate nt which >
sing.

that abe would obstruct tbe traffic there.

The KAMB. it is stated, will avoid all
appaarance of taking aid/a in -
the political struggle which
ia BOW in progress between
Socialiam and the Crown. It
is, bowerer. an eiagger
to say tbat people are com-
pletely mystified aa to which
"Iw Munrr favours.

moat

liiiR iti-in i!-
who try to help

T,, hrl| K..l riots an- Mat. "I to have t,.k.-ii

,,M.l.- many littl.- boya during UM

_ :it

Meanwhile, in the opinion;
of many per* in*, the KAI-KR
it marching u> bin Jena. It
Ml even rumoun^l that in virw
of ptaihlf erentiialitint he baa
been rvinrin^ an immenae
intcmt in Ute Music Hall
of Prince BOKXT i*

Tbe war in tbe Ihit, 1,
Indiea baa now entered on
ita tbirty-tourth yrar. nml wr
would reapertfully j-.int out
to tbe Ihn. h luitii.n tltal thi-
COBIMM ia bating longer titan
tbe Boer War.

Once more baa tbe danger
of playing with fire-arm*
been eaumpli6l. In a duel
batanen Freocb army officer*
one baa been aeriouidy injured.

'I'he visit of th.-
India ia proving
'success. A qiiit-
incident happen" I
When tea
MIMO roeo

AMU:I: ti.
a great
charming

-T\.-ii bml
and h.-lj'.-'! tl '

: '

dlu^Taucfa

(After *omt minutr* iite/tft mil eliuitiing.)
8foHta ami DutoiU Figurr togttkrr. " WH*T ? "

"I MID, ' H*-TOO em A MOWH- HoME ? ' "
Pi-jurr "I HI. mvii IT ill.. / Kill' 1

A Mint ti, milk. At that tin-
A WI.KII <|iiirkly r. -' and poured
milk into bird MiM"'- cii]..
Diving, "I will h.-lp
It was a pretty art nf cm
none the leas 'graceful 1-
Lord MDJTO possibly did not
want milk.

The report of the death of
the SIUH ],nlili>hi-<l in Tin-
I><iil<i Mull has in .w li-n c.m-
finncd by all our other paperB.
and the news has IM-PH cabled
to Persia.

Not a very gallant way of
putting it.

\ Kin-lot, paper writes:
"Major . w In i was married

the other day t- Mi>s

^uined b.\ his l.r.i\er\

the I>.S.<). and the much-

Uona tbat they are j

. : -.

grafting open-

tbat they are juatifed in believing
eren beada aeiered
body may be rrt.lacwl. Tbe
of being able, when one get*
of one'a bead, to replace it nt.
ia certainly alluring, and a
.mgr will BO doubt aoon be
.:"

fbe joke. if ci'iirae lias a great anti.|niiy ;
mt it should come aa a prrvnniully

reab aonroeof encouragement t.>
iftera at a aeaaon when their activities
are largely discouraged by the general

One of the mat pnctiod of tbe many

mime of war w tha-
ham ithall W houard, at
Ben ance

no tbe nnderauutding that be in

the Tunnel < the
outbfvtk

Tuiael

K.tlVv

A Bargain : Cause and Effect P

"Bn ANl> I'.H'MN.;. S.l.li.W l.lan-
keta, dark colour. SO in. l.y C.O in..

/.'.i.7i.;ii</r HI// Mmi.

Tin: I.int.i. l;."-M AM> HOW LM.-iiK. ir I-'
I said when i-he went
Sir \Viu.i\w (!n\vrllA\l n.ni|.lrte<l the in live and work among the | .. . | ! of
i if 1 T'.nd of h.ndon vl.e found

-t year . _

- on tbe 4th in-t < im- n alwmyavOO.OOO pel ns, dixideil into families,
planed to hear of a ' Dining living in one t. oin." 8eet "

t!.at thorr are

i Init (.nly

vn u.-ll kn This

ia mid to have -lung ihe .

n /-.'i-rnim/ V' " fenille-
tmi, " < !in\r led tlio way to the entrance,
where his motor call still w:i,
what iiinllilied lint hlill distrustful and
irritati-d." < >i, 10 have met

. and the entire cl.m H to In- niot,.r c.di or two with just that kind
d to endeavour of temper.

JANUARY 16, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

HUBBIES AS HOBBIES.
(By One of the Former.)

["One of the most interesting and useful
hobbies for ladies " (says a writer in CaageU'e
Saturday Journal) " is the art of training a
husband, for it can be practised even in spare
moments, is generally pleasant, and always
profitable. It is necessary, first of all, to catch
the husband, who is a rather queer fish at the
best. This is rather more difficult than it used
to be by reason of his increasing scarcity,
consequent on the lamentable rise in rent,
rates, and taxes."]

WE live in an age of Nature Study,
and the Collector is very much, abroad.
He (or she) sees to it that rare animals
and insects shall speedily be-
come extinct, and thus increase
the value of his acquisitions.
There are, in fact, so many
collectors that there are not
enough specimens to go
round.

Look at my case, for in-
stance.

I was a Rare Specimen ten
years ago when my wife
collected me, and now I'm
rarer still, but not, I hope,
yet extinct.

So far, if the truth must be
known, I have not been made
a Hobby of, and what I want
to find out is when the pro-
cess is going to begin.

Am I to be stuffed in spare
moments, and, if so, what
with ? I should, anyway,
like to have a voice in the
menu, as I have a distinct
objection to corrosive sub-
limate or other desiccatives.

Do I come under the Wild
Birds Preservation Act, and
have I a close time ? I should
very much like to know. If I
may stretch a point, I find
that Hobbies are included in
the ornithological list of that
enactment. The Natural His-
tory book says they are summer

whims to be humoured and queer habits
to be indulged ?

Anyhow, here I am, a Potential Hobby
and I only hope that in this household
at least my priceless qualities and virtues
will at last bo recognised !

"Age cannot wither her."
"GiRL wanted, smart, about 71, for
housework." Glasgow Kvening Citizen.

Could Nelson enter the Navy to-day P

A CORRESPONDENT writes : The above
question meets my eye on posters. But
what an easy one ! I understand that

A GOLFER'S NIGHTMARE.

visitors in this country, appearing in
April and leaving in October which
would just suit my constitution. They
were formerly trained (it continues) to fly
at larks and quails, but now feed princi-
pally on common dor-beetles. To this
part of Hobby-life I should demur; but
perhaps I don't belong to this branch of
the animal kingdom at all, as Cassell'g
Saturday Journal states that I ain "a
queer fish at the best."

Am I, then, destined for a bowl or an
aquarium? I have often been told I
am cold-blooded, but, on the whole, I
don't think I should be either pleasant
or profitable in a watery element.

Or can it be that, after all, I shall be
classed as a real live Home Pet perhaps
even as a Human Being, with strange

when the examiners ask a, naval candi-
date his name if it is a really good name
it doesn't matter what his other answers
are like. So that our national hero
would only have to say his name was
HORATIO NELSON, and he icould pass at once.

Told by a Nose-witness.

" THE only touch of Orientalism was
lent by the (AMIR'S) camp followers, who
brought with them a whiff of the Central
Asia of TAMERLASE." Daily Mail.

"Ma. JOHN BURNS," says The Daily
News, " is a man who gets up early,
and a man who wants to know the
reason why." We cannot oblige him :
it has always seemed to us a most
unreasonable habit.

LINKS LAW.

RECENT reports of the high jinks at
Chatsworth have revealed the interesting
fact that the local rules for the Duke
of DEVONSHIRE'S private golf links were
drawn up by Mr. BAI.FOUR. Mr. Punch
has great pleasure in furnishing his
readers with a complete and accurate
transcript of the Codex Arthurianua :

1. On all occasions on which the
Duke of DEVONSHIRE is dormy, or on the
point of becoming so, strict silence must
be observed.

2. Ex-Lord Chancellors are not to

be penalised for hitting the
ball twice in or out of a
bunker.

3. If a Premier or ex-
Premier should loft his ball
into a tree and the ball should
elect to remain there, beaters
may be employed to bring it
down.

4. Should snow be lying
on the course it is requested
tliat, if the Belgian Minister
is on the links, red rubber-
cored balls should not be used.

5. If a Scotch Duke should
"Duff" his drive into the
Derwent he must pay his
piper a bawbee for fetching
it out.

6. Any Duke who, after
missing the globe three times
in succession, utters no audible
remark, is to be allowed a
further or Grace stroke with-
out penalty.

7. If any dispute should
arise as to the bogey of the
course, it shall be referred to
the decision of the Committee
of the Society of Psychical
Research.

8. In three -ball matches,
other things being equal, the
odds given shall vary in an
inverse ratio with the social

precedence of the players.

9. In mixed foursomes Kimonos may
be worn, but no singing or skirt-dancing
is allowed on the tee.

10. When chauffeurs are employed
as fore-caddies it is requested that, to
avoid accidents, they should wear their
leather suits and goggles.

11. If a caddie should speak or whistle
while a Grand Duke is addressing his
ball, he shall not be liable, unless a
Russian subject, to be deported to
Siberia or imprisoned in the fortress
of SS. Peter and Paul.

THOSE LENIENT COLONIES ! " He was
charged with bigamy, but was released
as a first offender." Sydney Morning
Herald.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA K 1 V A RL_

-I tho

THE SONG OF SIX SUBURBS.
trr Mr. lluJyard Kipling.)

outaid* the radio* you roan<,
Wlwr* nlmll fairer pracpcrt meet tk eyes?
Brand-new, like Aphrodite fmm the fun".
The howea of Briiton 1

TOOTOO.
Supreme am I. Suhiirbia's guiding Mar.

whm I *rk let lew tongues be dumb ;
TV prefix " Tpprr " ahowa the Am we are;

Where Tooting beckona, Come !

BUMOMH

r,m your North- West PaaMge scale my height*.

mark the joyous crowds that sport beneath ;
Mr,, ,-all HIM ' Happy : O the strange ddighto,
The dalliance on my Heath !

PBCKHVW.

1 i-.iliu r.

Au<l like an old-world idyl life drift* by .
\VU-rr i-U- Mich courtly couples sludl you meet
A-comin' thro' Uie Rye?

CUFHAM.

1'ni.i my v..ki- i, iv stalwart* meekly U'ud :
Ibi i, the hour* <>f S ami '.'.

l^re worn* horror* than the Pit 1 wnd
Sons of tin- Chat hum line !

Bum.

-4. kncbWt. eso,uiMte." I Rive to those
Civilian warrior* (nun India rent ;
What Miburb boasU the dignified repose

Thai clings to Haling, \V. ?

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr 1'uiteht Staff of Learned Clerk*.)
Ian BrixunRC, undertaking to trrite hia Memoir of Sidney
Herbert (Jem Mi'WuV. luid ran- dp|>irtunity of adding t<< the
UUMiiirr hcnw nf Fiifrliih hin<pi 1 1 - The Minister at the War
Oflk* when the rampaign in th<- Crimeft opened was a faarina-
prmotudity. a Ntatemiuui who 1.. l|i-l to rule in blirriiiK
I>ird STJLVMOJO: knew him and hi colleague* intimately,
rvmU from the inner unit- ..p.-n to th<- i'rivau-
Serrrtanr of the Pmuivr. Hurling with thix advantage
(and othen) be luw barn handicapped by Uck of literary
faculty. I/ird 8TAJI11OW. .1 heavy writi-r.

one kioka for illuminating characteriMtion of tl,.-
iJijr. memoir and his fn.-n.l-. tin- tiiidx page*

nf dally wnttrn hi.tnriml recnitl. Amntigxt minor frail-
tit*. Lard STAJUKMC in a abve to the IMC of that odkraa,
rairly ncnwary wont, "which." Macbeth nuailed before
thnv witrhea mnrantered on the Mailed ncnth.

m w.ld have nuked for one more. Here is a
of hk nterpiHation. It 'm tk.-n n.i.lw.iy in :>

Free Tnd<- Kv.-n m.-n- int.-r.-tm '-

Aff*"*** Cabinet tlriftiiiR into a war that m- DnJ

PuMaerm desired. Doily to SWXEY HEHBI r for

War came Rniem ui;- f ''" hapl'-^ a-li. n of

ff nlt rimea. rowadthem islike penwingl

of the S'tith African War CommisKion with tin it ion

consequent on an aitack of nightmare. Hampered !-

.,.,..:;-., - !.::- -i -i !. IM-.

\ \\aasm bnivcly battled with the blundi
expedition to further which, n* lie forlornly \-,

thing was sent out except common sense. It was <i|>.n hi-

i . . i * i.*. ...... v > .lit* """ ' 1 1 *i n

soul incentive that FIOHESTK NIOHTIIII

to work wonders in delivering the sick and wounded from a

condition of affairs, due to maladministration and ineoi

that would be incredible if it were not testified to by impartial

eye-witnesses. Sick or well, in time of JHIKVOI- in the trenches,

TOMMY ATKISB never had a truer friend than SII-MY HKKBBT.

If I had proposed to send the PRIJIK MINI- n it a N
Card it would not have taken the - Mr. \V. I'A-II.

Woit-mu/s account of Lard Milner's \\'nrk 'in S-H'-'
1S97-1902 (JoHX Ml'RRAY). Kor it reminds n> om-'- n . r.- that
the statement "\Yhaiever Sir HIAKY ('.\\IIT.I.I.I -lUssi;;
may think or say, the (lennan nation may think as

not only the expressed opinion of the /.I'liumj, Imt

also represented the attitude of l'^r-. Americans and
the world in general. Mr. Woit.-ioi.i. proves that although,
if bird Mll.SKlt'- views had Ixrn fortuna;
with the approval inM.-ad of the condemnation of Sir lll.M;\
CAMnBL-BtfDJBOUJr, the war might have IM-.-II materially
-.liorlt-ned.no man on earth. i'lc-idcnt KniOEB, Could

have prevented it. " The only thing we are afraid of i
wrote a prominent HIKT on the eve of ho>tiK that

('HAMIiKm-AlN, with his a<lmitted litfiilnos of temper, will
cheat us out of the war, and consequently the opportunity of
annexing the Cap.' Colony and Natal, and forming the
Kepublican United States of South Africa." "The
invade Natal'" Kiid a Kadii-.il Memli.-r; "you might jnct
as well talk of their invading England ! '

Finally, this able and valuable' work clearly proves, what
w now widely m-ognised outside the circle of In-
opponents, that Smth Africa wua not the grave but the
crown of Ird MII.NKK'B reputation.

A ]>robleni which haply may take unawares

Tin- young married sulary-earncr.
Is ably expounded in Darray'* .\jT<ur.

(Messrs. lii:r I.'U.ISM i> Ti i

It is whether the maid you an-.-pt at the kirk
ur j.arti .! and for woe shall

as flie can. in your work,
Or merely l>c homely and

bnrdly." elf.

: dy Lord

be dtrertly or indinx-tlv itilliicnced, a
be tnom or feaa valuable but vli'id,

Is it either or neither .T U.th .hall enrich

lot of the lienedick lover V
The hero M-Wis after trial bul which?
YOU must go to (lie lik to

von had acccaa to private oorres-

adda permanent value t.
W<k. Untal reference* to PU.MKJBTO* and

raonai dislike and d
lireant of Cabinet colleague*. \V,.
mngh the Mime medium to wntrh
not slowly making up their mindx U> dorbtre for

1 f I were nuked to . tuple of a distinction without

u difference 1 should name Mrs. |-'. u : l^.k. Isllrrsi In

s-viiiil. |-'.| M i: A (',. , and her tlir-
"Ti volumes. There. I should say. i- a distinction
without a difference. The new l>ook shows lielter than mo. t
how mni h latitude is given to a successful writer; for it is
-t casual ! not always t. interesting m.-.Mer.

Mra. K.\niK will. ! nd.nnd

v for it ; but I think t-he might lake a
little more trouble next time. There in a lot of dust in her
latest jnr.

JASTAKV :>3, 1907.1

ITNCH, OR THE LONDON ('HAKIN A III.

"ART IMOUVEAU."

Z Oirner of Xnr Cottage. " I 'VF. BEEN \VOSDERIXO \VHAT CHEEPERS TO rut ON TIIE COTTAOE. WHICH DO vou THINK WOCI.D BE BEST, Jonx ? "

.1 nli ii. " \V|.J.I., SIR, ONE OF THEM YlRUINIAS WOULD COVER IT UP QUICKEST."

Till-: AULD 151! K! (T AVI?.
[Lord l.'n.srr.un lias :ij>penle<l for 10,000 (o

this I'.iiuiMis MriHiiiiv from liring de-

lllnlislinl ,111 jH'POUllt. of its llnsafi 1 cnnilitici',1.

'I hr annivrrxaiy of ]'>ll;\s' liu'llnlay is MH tin 1
->tli. .-uiil liis iiiiiiiiirtiil memory will In 1 tiMsinl
at liumrnms li:l,'is aml-whiskcy frasts. Mr.
1'nwli'x ailviii- I'm- ISrilNs' nirlit is thai liis
wnrslu|)])rrs slionl'l ]>ass ruinnl tlir lial rind let
tlit-ir siixpi'iirfs ;,'!> haiii,' into it.]

Mi:\\i I'm- a \vi. burn an ICarl,
His l.unlsiii|i. like ;i jiawky i-url,
Has ta'cu tin- spirit 1'rao his barr'1

Ami lot il run
In gmvdon thoughts and words o' pearl,

Wed oilud \vi' fun.

Vr l.ritlicr S'uts. I'rac I'crtli to IVnny !
Tak' tent <T drum-taps I'rae Ihihneiiy ;
('nine ilka .lucK. emne ilka JKNNY,

Ric-ht blithe and triy.
Row in your pound, birl up your penny.

And save the Brig !

Five bonder years, in foul and fair,
I've knelt upon the Banks o' Ayr,

Bending my back, now gashed and bare,

Frae land to land,
And, by yon Sun ! five Inuuler mair

I hope to stand !

Could ye but see the mighty thrang
Hue passed my cobble stanes alang,
The lads and lasses, lithe and strang,

The bairns sac prime!
My fren's, yon M say I did sma' wrang

To beg for lime !

Lidit-s and I>ord.s frae yont the toun,
Knights wi' chain coats and iron

shoon,
liailies, hae banchled up and doiin

My anld sous back ;
And Princes reested on my criHin,

To hae their crack.

Hut, King ainang them a' by right
Was he who on yon autumn night
Watched the braid moon her silver light

Live in my stream,
The while he preened his fancy's flight,

And wove his dream.

JAnd shall these stanes where RABBIE

stood,

For lack o' mortar, by the rood !
A shapeless mass beneath the flood

Sink for a' time?

The King o' Scotland's rhyming brood
Forbids the crime !

All ye who warm at KAIIHIK'S flame,
Who sing his sangs, and toast his name,
The door step o' his muse's hame

Ye dallin' ca' me
Hi 1 his the sorrow, yours the shame,

If ill befa' me !

Hy all the guid his sangs hae done,
Hy all the love that he lias won
1'Yao Arctic night to India's sun,

( )\vcr land and sea.
While greenwoods grow and rivers run,

It shall na be !

LOOKING; KOU WORK. " Mother's Help,
age 10|, whore no children." -Mnii-
ehester Guardian;

K -I,,,.; [.ONDON CHARIVARI '"" :

GREAT J *
Allffd to b* the Only

WhO haa *

T TRAM

its

between BUcknHan
Waterloo Bridgee.
:cirnoji AXD PbtTMrr.

jiaiiBiian excilement prevailed
Fleet Street and the r>t
Savoy on Saturday night but on
becoming known that a pee*
alleged to have travelled in one of the
i/ndoii C...int- V... nun

Uruhir Kinhnnkmrnt Trama.

\V.- arc now in a p>w: tuU

paniculara a* to th ' and

the antecedent* ..f the |-n-tr.it..r, Mr.
Aunrr JoMtni \Vmtrtr, an aauatnnt m
the fir JUO>I\IOUE. K.

,1 Pn.lmv Men-hauls. Anil.lt-
Uinheth.

Mr. Woeruc, on bring interviewed l>y
repreaentative rf the I>--d <!>VTII-
r.|. frankly admitted that he
aware that the I..C.C. Sji--
tacubir Vacuum Tranw were only in
I f.*- (jffiriaU, and that their ns<
by the piiMic waaaeverely diacouniged
Hut all through bia life he had - >
-uniiouiit difTiculti.*, and at*
aa the trama begnn running IK
reaolved to make the attempt. 1-
of preparation, and in order to fainiliariw
with danger, lie had once con
bimaelf on the Tower Ilridg<
the baacnlea were in mm-eim'iit
and on another occasion, on lM-ing toll
u> move on by a LC.C. conatahle, l.ldl\
called him a"aham copper." He hai
alao gone into atrict training an
nothing but the work* of Mr. \\"MI.-
far a fortnight previonaly. He liac
originally thought of diaguiaing himsel
aa a tram official, but decided thai ihi
would be cowardly, and aa a matter o
fact had worn bia ordinary dothea, a
lounge enit of brown vicuna, with
bowler hat and a dark blue tie.

nrna favoured at the monx-ni of th
attempt by a ab'ght fog, and aeiied th
opportunity of darting on to a car
when the conductor waa talking to th

rat without attracting the att

of the other officiala who were

the car. The diacomfort be nnd<

durii

Backfriara Kridge waa intenae; and t

to the fog. waa unusually alow. \V|..

the car alopped be waa ao cramped th:

nerving hiraaelf fur a m;

I I,.,. ..If Ut ,.

rvahing at top apeol

utiian waa Mnrii- ;

|.liiin.
II.T. an<l

A REVISED

hat n

.irs ago.]

when you

SI!.

Your appreciation

UK. \Vi.Bri.r..

who ba* Buciwdol in nlinn on un Knilnnk-
iin-iit Tram, (from a I'hoto.)

s one of the lO.iKK) tiignatnries to Mr
IIAMKI.I: IlKMi'S '.- memorial.

Mr. \Vi:i'l.n, who is a modc*t. un-

iffe-te<l young man of medium height

ml fresh complexion, attributed his

--> in sonic ]>art to his |.an i

Us mother was of Welsh extraction, am

lis father had Ix-en a phrenologist win

waa much in re.pieM at Inimp sup|-rs

It K.-ole College. Oxford. Me
niiivin>l sup]>orter of the Channel
Tunnel n-heine and the aboHtion '
ompulsory (Infk. The authors tha
iad influeiicrd him HK*t were SVMIIX
u.t. Sir OI.IM.U bn.t. and Mr. FIIANK
T. lUlJJLN. the author of \\'intlb,i<j III
\\'lidlfr. His favourite characters ii
real life were OI.IYKK CROMWELL aii(
II.UUIY l.M I-M: ; IIIH favourite colour wa
magenta ; his favourite name for n

fruit

lifiv

_
the North-

favourite
!! w.is a

r i

VKUKHT.

......... ,,f

- ll

r in

tmt chilly;

'aiidiilly 1 invn you inailc me \vii.

al tin- WiipU \uii iliil in -I lliilire.

.-illy:'

Ah ! lint nu\v with ..-ta-\ 1 l.-arn.
You. wluise frown irell.-.-t.-.l urinkli-.l
my lirow,
on humour which y>u

\nl it even seem* that
Humour in your very li|> and cyelir<>\v.

Prithee, I>\1'IIM. l.-t inf then an. w
S'.ircli the hun-au where 1 relegate

them.
riiiK'iiiK thcmv and ofTerin^ to you

ih-^pisttl, if it !< true.
yon at last a].prcciate them."

"1>AM<>X, since I'M -truck on humour's

vein.
Nay. for ita detection boost some

Sir,

After reading airefully again
All your verses. I mn-t now with pain

Frankly own

1 lind them silly still,

"Smart Young Reporter
Wanli to U-it.-r li.: il<> Book-

. l.y Ilnulili- Cllln". SlilR.-

k- ii|i any I'.- ' r'' 1 "

II*. Al*' .l.iirn. tciiur. Ml-

band mi-limn \,-K : :| "T ChnrduBtn."

.1 iinil .Ui/r

THK yoiinj; man WH-IIIS to lack
tility. Certainly I

ilijei-t of his cxprrii nee as a full-
li.iek, a lisliermau and a temperance
. sus].icioU8.

Ml WuU-LK
t lh age of Gvf. ^'row a i

Humour* of a Contemporary.

\\"K cull the following passages from
Tlir-

" I tliiuk toncliinR and miming are f

^ion tht nny woman can acpire

" (liarartor u well a ability ii necewary for

- future."

\\'e have notliing to KIV against the
sentiment of these two remarks, lint we
.;.. | i tlieir a]>pearance

under the heading of " Buiis-Muts of the

k."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -JANUARY 23, 1907.

=^fTTF STARVAT.Of

ABSIT OMEN!

MOTHER HALDANE. " CLUCK ! CLUCK ! CLUCK ! "

MOTHER BRODRICK (snlffdy). "All, I HATCHED A BROOD OF SIX EVERY BIT AS FINE AS YOURS
-AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT BECAME OF THEM."

.IVM \KV I'.",, 11)07.]

OR THE LONDON CIIAIM VARI.

THE ALTRUISTIC TOUCH.

Bountiful. "On, DEAR Miss SMITH, DO SEND ME SOME OF TOUR PRICELESS UTTI.E SKETCHES FOR MY RUMMAGE SALE ox THE

MORE EDUCATION ACTS.

[" In the little village of Sonipting there is being successfully carried
on the most remarkable experiment of recent years, the teaching of
children by making them act their lessons." Daily Paper.]

Ar.vs ! Our teachers all made huge mistakes
Since patient dames endeavoured to relate us

The falile of King AI.KKKD and the cakes,
Without the aid of cooking apparatus ;

And, touching lampreys, never bought a sample,

That we might sigh to follow HENRY'S sad example !

Some few years later erudite "D.D.'s"

Of vinegary aspect would compel us
To construe such vivacious words as these :

" \niic, cgt bibcndum, mini' puittmda tellus,"
Without arranging an impromptu "hop,"
Or sending for a single draught of ginger pop !

Their methods were, of course, absurdly wrong;

Some pleasant, harmless gift of mighty Bacchus
Would inculcate the spirit of the song

And due affection for the genial Flaceiis ;
Whilst something in the way of mild saltation
Might help to stimulate the young imagination.

When Public Schools adopt this "acting" plan,
We'll see young Bitowx and HAWKINS, JONES
and 1 IAKKIS

( lladly interpreting, as best they can,

The meeting of the goddesses with Paris

i Mi- swearing that their graces made (Knone

Seem, by comparison, distinctly plain and bony.)

With what delight a pedagogue will gaze

Upon a class of satyrs (or bacchantes)
All cheerfully endeavouring to raise

A worse Inferno than the poet DANTE'S,
Or frisking it with wild and uncouth frolics,
Like merry shepherds in Virgilian bucolics.

A scene or two from Km.iiVs private life

(To rouse an interest in his didactics)
Might show the sage's estimable wife

Anticipating Mrs. Caudle's tactics,
The while lie ponders, disinclined for wrangles,
The dazzling similarity of two triangles.

When dull and joyless studies are consigned
To Limbo whilst the uproar waxes frantic,

Ushers will look thereon with open mind,

Wreathed in approving smiles not too pedantic ;

They may, indeed, regard it as becoming

To join the sport themselves and do a little mumming !

Astronomical Notes.

" A KEMAIIKABI.E feature of the coming eclipse is the absence
of Anglo-Saxon enterprise." Standard .

" A still more remarkable feature will be the absence of the
sun." Fundi.

WASTKKI.S are going pretty strong in Birstall just now.
According to The H'n-xiuU Xcir.t. the local Cooperative Society
met on Monday last and decided that their sausage machine
be repainted. What has Tlic Dnih/ Mail got to say to that?

A
111. I

TRAP FOR COUNTRY MICE.
MTI'S U*tawrwoaTut (it toe TO

-
(i it.

. :

two, The

Bank of 1

bureau in the rent re of the

ita king single dn
of which are a

here for a minute or BO as many
men will run up
;rn with :

ousted expression .

iudii-d an 1
r it is the famous dr..
which w> many nx-ipicni- ica are

Tbelfcuikof England is. ..f coui
rii-h man's Dank. The ordinary man

then, I'MiKKI!. why the du-kens

II, ,n we hav.- made a mis-

l.ikeV I- t' - "nly a junior clerk after
all? < 'r i- it ' :..l>aMy a Mind

tn thr ''in '' l"" r t' 11 '

city is a very knowing p>
we will nut full.iw an\ !><>:
(To be eon/inn.

the Bank

,,,.1-r

It is

!
of

England

out wiih

o millionaires. ami OM UM . oul O f U.

intent upon for millionaires. ami OM UM , in( ._ i, j 8 oul O f pUy.

a Hi in his innate modesty an.l nmplieity ol many SM , ,,. raptain of , ^de.

m* that dd find, s ..... .-sweep.

follow ono, that h, S,T o,.w-.

thia m r impreg- a merchant

which bW won for the Wk if

England the nick-

ae "the Kronatadt
of Finance." by which
it ia always known in
thieres' kitchens and
rookeries. In their
cuUar afyat, called back-
rfr*g. in which strange
tongue they apeak
fluently among then>
eelrea, Kronatadt bc-
comea of coune 1
nork. Whenever you
an two evil l. -king men
oonverming in whispers
of the "Tdatsnork fo
Konanif " you may know
that yet another mid <>n
the Bank of England

;. _..,.,__....,

TbeBank of England
to the canal eye may
seem to be I'uilt f
ordinary grey atone,
much grimed by I/todon
smoke. But thia is
wrung. Stone may be
cut through. Tbe atone, then-fun-, is.. nly
a veneer, a ruse to be found out with
bitter tears by th-

itarrjuai. fret-saw in hand, for beneath
it are layer* of Damascus t-l and Millet
proof doth, asbestos, concrete, and
inflammable paint. Nothing emu pene-
trate ,-|,l l.y Ih-
doors. HT. it i. ' vulnerable.

OUt I N TlirSTWimTHY AHTI.ST IN l.'iN!
Sernox or THE DANK or KXGLIXO, rioM IXFODIATIO!! BECKITEO.

taken to

ble

adanitlrd. while all the cash
not only pmccrtl by a braiw r

ado with copper abonsa,

are not

has only one lunch in the
iiiiddle ..f th-- day. just like an ordinary
JTWII. and retunis home in Imt a

iin fullow tllin <-ll.'.

Alllh'ii.

Jilrened to a

I.r. Curling, dit M.

ur le

Curling ' In jeu jxnir

m..n

vieta.juaqn'aqne] ;

.an. !>

tennis? .I'eil raffnle.
hi ch.i<~- a 1'ali.ii
Klin ! 11 n > a

rl. nn Jen, nn
i-M-rrice. (puii ? limit ton
]M-tit .ll l.Ks i.
detail- le- pin- ininu-
tieux. Figure tin.
ma joie (piaml. le li-iule-
main de nmn arrivi'-e
die/. Sir Mi
n lille ain.V, Mi>.s CINK
line Mmide r
moll cher!; in'invite
a faire line partie de
Curling sur le lac ipii
86 tr.'iive devalit le

du chateau.
.1'aceepte. til le p.
Men. I'n spi.rt in nr

Viiih'i jnsleinrnt inuii affaire !
I'ne fois sur la ^lacr. Mi

l.i cailetle. feint le j.icks-
iii" ii|.. Mi-- I .isi me dit, " \

Bank clerks-

been adopted as the

OMtl one to fell a foot-
rd hymon ye roadde to

village of ci,..

_ne. (A murrain on each knave*
quotha.)

. ,

young he is ulivimi-U
lie comes into tlie Itank in a un-al hurry.
holding his portfolio ill his ham!
bow rich he must IN-, f..r this |H.rlfoli.>.
,i further from the pi. k| k.-ts

. byachnin Cl.-arly a mnlti-
liiilli.niaire. Me says onething to the
cWk with th'

. I. MII f..t My

i .
See, he rona across t uran

lie d.l-h. II.

f. .r him. \V. f,l|,.\v. l.i-ten (he mana
ger, all deference, is BJ- him.

l:i !! ei|lli|-.-.

l>i'|l|i|l|e/ 111"! ci-ll'- lx.ll
I. -ill.- -ur Ii- tin'-." .Ii r.-uiiide. ma.

DJ Imutcillc III tin'-. in '-He

se mi><| l<> in.. i ? 8 ' '

. -0111111.- ji- |e le .ll.-, nil jeu |Kilir le- foils.

mpr.-iids rii-n. mais rrrrrrrien.
Mitw > IIM reprend all ! - alle/.

oommenoer."

'.lam.iis de la vie." .Ii- je, en ^.il.ml
homnie. '( ; \ \\ICH

- I.I 1:1 v\. . lee. .Ill ncer,

par exemple. alors c|iie trois (idles
del 1 1< ii s. -He- fun | partie de la inemeennipe
.pie lui ! "

M M.I!- -i." .lit Miss

Faut oheir a p. Fiehe/. moi

done nil 1. pel '|ue ea eonin

-. di.ieilll s'empare de petits liallllH

et file a I'mitre extremite du rink. I/-

J\M U:Y 23, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

jeune TOM, qui fait le premier coup pour
son camp. Junre aa pierre. a glisse, ca
glisse, et pnis ra s'arrete. A moi le
coup. Jo prends ma pierre. Sapristi !
q u Vile cst. lonrde! Je la lance. C,a
gli.^se ct ca glisse. mais Iciitenu'iit, len-
te nicMt ; cl puis, ca s'iirri'te aussi.

" Vons etfs mi hog," (lit le jeune TOM,
qni lie ccssc pas de ricaner.

Hog? Qu'est-ce que c'est que hog?
De ma poche je sors ce petit coquin do
l'.i:i i \O\VKS. j'y rcgarde. ' Hog ' signi-
lic ' eochon,' noin d'linc pipe !

"All! All!" je crie. " Un cod ?

MuiV lion, inon drole! Ah! C'est

conn ;a quc parlcnt Ics gardens

KmssaisV" .... Et pan ! jelui flanqne
un lion, mais mi liicn lion, inon petit.

Tons si 1 preeipitent, CM hrandissant
Icurs lialais. On eric. On rit. Miss
(!ixi: me fait iiarfaitoincnt, c(ini|irondro
la elms,., l.c p:ni\re gareon s'est scrvi
d'linc dcs ])lirascs imlieciles de ce sport
dc Ions. 'Hog' vent (lire que . . . on
pliit'il qne . . . enlin, n'importe. Tout
s'explique, et moi, je fais inille excuses.
TOM ne me garde pas rancune et le jeu
recommence.

Knmiv une fois je lance ma pierre :
nn con]) epalant. II est d'une telle
jnstcsse, (I'nne telle vigueur, que la pierre
rase la glace comme unehirondelle.atteint
un vienx a. cotelettes rouges, Ini fait
fa ire nn saut de carpe, et le voila qni se
liclic par teiTe avee un cri epouvantable.

Cris. Hires. Excuses. C'est rasant.

Mi-si IIXF. mcdonnennhalai. "Naow,"
me dit-clle, " vons allez sooper."

"Dame! " lni dis-je, "a quelle henre
(lille/.-vous, Mesdeinoisclles, si VOU8
soiipe/ a oir/e lieures moins le quart?"
Hires. Explications. C'est fastidieux.
'Siop,' parait-il, veut dire ' balayer.'
Mais le mot ne se trouve pas dans
BELUVOWKS. Est-ce done du patois?
Comment le saurais-je? Qnel jeu de

foils !

M iss GINE me dit alors : " M. LEiiLtNT,
vous save/ ipie je suis votre skeep."
[>'? En BKIJAOWKS case traduit
'sanier.' ("est incoiiceval ile, mais nous
join. us an Curling, s'pas?) "Faut
laiiv attention," poursuit-elle, "a tout
ce qne je vous. dis. Vous allez obeir a
mes niiiindivs onlres. Qnand je crierai
' soop,' balayez-moi la glace de votre
iiiienx-."

I "ne jeune personne lance sa pierre.
Ca glisse. Ca gli-i-i -e.

'Soop," crie Miss GIXE. Et je soope.

"Stoppez," crie Miss GINE. Et je
m'arrete.

1'uis, "Sit down. Sit down." crie
Miss (!INK. Et moi, qni obeis militaire-
ment, je m'assieds flan ! sur la pierre.

< v 'ne ca me fait mal ! Et erne :
qu'anive-t-il a inon pantalon gris fonei' ''.
Perdu, inon panvre ami, perdu absolu-
nient. Et, nat-nr-el-le-ment, je me suis
encore trompe. C'est la pierre qui doit

Charwoman (mending carpet). " I KKVER TIIOCOHT AS 'ow I SHOULD COME TO THIS, MCM.

ME THAT WAS THAT WELL EDD1CATED THAT AFORE I WAS MARRIED I COULDN'T EVEN MAKE A BEEF
PUDDEN ! "

s asseoir. Comment doit-elle s'asseoir,
la pierre? Je n'en sais rien. Ridicule,
s' pas ? Et des rires encore, des cris,
iles maledictions, des explications, des

e\rllsi s.

Eli ben ! C'est trop fort, et je
m'enfnis.

Flute pour le Curling ! Un jeu idiot.
Un jeu pour les fous. Moi, j'en ai soupe.

More Commercial Candour.
"LoT7. 789 Very Handsome Washing
Embroidered Silk Blouse Pieces, worth
is, lid. each, for Is. 11|<7. These can-
not last long at the price." Glasgow
' Sale List.

A Chip of the old (Horse) Block.

A SMALL boy of live, brought up in a
very horsey atmosphere, was the other
day alone with his sister when she
fainted. He was found a few minutes
later, by his father, sitting gravely and
conscientiously on her head.

THE next Exhibition at Earl's Court
is to be devoted to the Balkan States ;
and it is an open secret that one of the
most novel features of the show will be
a Water Chute a form of sport peculiar
to the inhabitants of this picturesque
and mountainous district.

Answer to Correspondent.

"]>U'TATOH." No, you are wrong
about {'iiniilinr hixt. It was DOIIK, not
MII.TOX, -who did the illustrations. The
latter supplied the letter-press.

OUR daily press is full of valuable
information. Take this from the Tele-
fjrui>h. It was probably cabled at enor-
mous expense.

"After n night of pitiless rain and cold, the
nav:il review was held iu glorious weather,
lasting just till it ended. '

THE SECOND EXTRA.

might be something dull
I
Knowing that U not want the thing

mention it:
Hour AMAsmia, will you pleoae be mine?

.VM at a (Lira-. >K":

sundry miles and bows from me,
i other rather weary smiles from \
n Decenary calculnt

.tr.i.
A i itl nude nn amignatkm for tin- -

oirner hen-.' ym K.id :

Hul when llio dance cmmc numd we both v

i-t.-.id l 'ill

eh proliahly was just as well fur \
n. juM as well for i
I lint what about I can't i.-m.-ml

i yi.ii were r.itlii-r keen on golf;
That i T U^eii to Switzerland ;

,.f n-, thought well of HKHN MID SHAW.
,kel ; lint all tin- lime I looked nl yon.
An! i much what inspiration led

t.. tilt ;it just tlial j-crfect an.
Ami wondered how on earth you ilitl your hair;
Au'l why your eym wen- blue. when it wax black ;
And why a hundred other different things.
I'ntil at List. another dance Ix'jfinniiiK.
i.'ly ; whcreu|H.n 1 went
Kirk lii I he sii| |~ i run. and till- 1 a glass,
Imnk. and lit . and signed,

isked the waiter Had he U-eu in I
And told llie waiter. Y<s, I urn in love;
And gave him lwo|ionce, and went home to Intl.

Am I in love? Well no. I hardly think no.

Hi li tin happx as 1 am ;
wo. I (tliall f nmrruw ;

1 1 unit your friend-.

'Ill- danced with bounders. all of them.

f.Mir and li\e and -iv and all the i
. f.nrlv -iiiv we -li.dl n i meet attain.
Nut lii it 1 in. lid N

ry much t happy an I am.
IWidca, I shall fiurgvt you by to-murrow.

TUw why lhu l-tler? \Vi-ll. Uv,. incid.-nm

i- \ou liave them l.lh.
in my i -iitn last week,

. 4 of you,
mny tilings,
tobacco

\<-\ in-- to ii

ii. tli ii -

.iltngrther. lint
, football, di
>t suddenly tin* thought tmirred to me:

I nifth 1 had a little dog,
A terrier, an
I wonder if the landlord would ohji-

bjDJ
itanff. Ii ,rci|,

hiiiiilil.
1 wouUl liavc )v

pro

.1 I,, Heaven.

enly I

,/i it were the Spring ! '

* * *

T my eh.

for one moi neii t \u up--' ". si
Disturbed my usual calm serenity,
ti..t in ni> he-ad, and -el me \ainly

\prii. and the omntry. and one other
Hut that is over. 1 am whole again.

' 1 -hall ii.'t send this i-
1 find 1 ha\e forgotten you already.

NATURE STUDIES.

Tin; I-AIII MI.I. SuiTr.it.

Till hero of thi* M-ry r-liht story i- a do.;, who-
I imiimsi- to nmnnemoraie for the admiration of UIOM who,
walking "" two f.-'t. are not t,.. proud to profiJ DJ UW
,,!,. ,,f the fonr f.-l.-l t.iil HO* and

friends. The Mip|HT. as yon will mv. ifl a mere incident, an
incident more ,-rmanent. I iv-n-l to say, than the ILTO. but
i,..t on that account to lie unduly e\all.-d.

The name of this d.. was /,'.../, and he was a UbndOf
retriever of the true luved, Indky in body and something
short in the les. Mis OOal was of a pure black, its short
hairs Win- so clo-ely and smOOtUy laid tOgetha that it
ne.1 in the sun. His hid.- was v.-ry looeely adjusted to
l,i^ ],, ;. foa could lift it, so to speak, in pr.at bsndfnb

without causing him the least inconveni.-iuv. Hi- tail wa-
an implement of great strength and thickness, nobly adapted
to iterfonn the functions of a rudder when, as often happened,
lie plunged into the water to BXerciae the oaiBge of IMS]
His head was even smoother than his liack, and it was
adorned hy two brown eyes through which love and loyalty
-hone el,i'uently ii|m his friends. When he -at down in
his favourite attitude with his head liftiil and a little thrown
Iwck, the shortness of those sturdy forelegs of his xave him
the ap]K-aranee of a -eal. Indeed. 1 aui now -ure that if we
able to trace hack their genealogies we should tiud that
aeols and hiliradnr do^s possessed a c..nim.ni ancestor in an
age indetinitely remote. 1 saw n seal the other day in a
Midland town, of all plaiv* in the world, and when. Bitting
awkwardly on the lid of its wmxlen tank of water, it shook
hands with its owner, and then, in an access of clumsy
affection, threw back itfl hon.-t head and ki-.-d him. I was
,lily rcmind.-d of ll<i>/ and other Lsbndon WDOSB 1
Itave known.

&) much for the outward seeming of my dog toi ui

.|ualiti-s of heart and brain let these few words siillice : He

wssalw.i\s affivtionaie and joyon-. N- rebuff ever changed

his love, and no diwipixiintment e\er CM) a shadow of gjoam

on his |H-rf.vt K.KH! humour, llewa-a friend to all the Other

, to the jealous old spaniel who growled down UU

rhii-rful n With his human friends his life WM OM

I of faithful kindness and indefatigable tail wagging.

.M.IU ..f reat natural gifts improved 1>\ careful

N., .-lalM.i-.ite trainiiiK had I !'"'_ him ;

he deemed to know by intuition that no scurry of fur or

flutter of feather n. list di-lurh him from the heel of his

r till the wrd was iv.-u. He was a H<*<A and hii.-i.

like backer, excellently equipped with a uo-e of hih quality.

Hi- U r left a mark on the hird which, with an air of

hack to his master'.- hand.
. the incident of (lie slipper, but lifst I must
ne iiii]Kirtaiice In a dotf. '1 lie

Immaii fi.ree of ! ' this

Labrador from the canuie habit of burying in the .-arth the

for which, having picked them clean, he had at the

I have one

.1 V\T.U;Y 23, 1007.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

F.xlmct from Ethel's correnpondence. "WE'VE BEEN HAVING NO END OF EXCITEMENT LATELY. THE OTHER MORNING WE FOUND
MYSTI:HKIUS FOOTPRINTS is THE SNOW ALL ROUND THE HOUSE, THE WEIRD THING BEING THAT THEY WERE THE TRACKS OF BAKE FEET. IT WAS

QUITE THRILLING ! l.'xci.E, WHO IS A J.P., FEI.T IT WAS TBE TIME OF HIS LIFE, AND HAD THE LOCAL CRUSHERS IN BEFORE WE COULD THINK,
AND HIS LANGUAGE WHEN 1IF, FOUND IIF, COULDN'T GET SHERLOCK HoLilBS AT THE LIBRARY WAS BEYOND MY POWERS OF DESCRIPTION. I REALLY
DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE IIAI'I'KNKI) IF THE UNIIF.R-HOUSEMAID HADN'T CONFESSED THAT " (See next page.)

method. They carry their bone in a furtive and almost
guilty fashion to the selected spot, scrape a hole with their
I'orepaws, deposit the bone in the hole, and then, apparently
forgetful of their paws, push back the earth with their foolish
noses until the hone is covered.' Having done this they let
the whole afl'air fade from their memories.

Jt'iiifx sleeping place was my dressing-room. There he
passed the night, a hypothetical terror to any possible burglar.
To fill his mind witli a sense of responsibility it was usual to
commit to his special guardianship a pair of slippers placed
beside him on the Hour. " Your slippers, /An/," his master
would say to him ; " look after them Well." And lint/, who,
I think, thoroughly understood this simple jest, would blink
an observant eye, place a protecting paw over the slippers,
wag an appreciative tail and compose himself to sleep. On a
certain morning, however, some tour years ago, I could iind
but one slipper where I had left two. Search and enquiries
were of no avail. The right-foot slipper was irrecoverably
lost. The fact that on that same morning Ray came in to
breakfast wit li a little pyramid of fresh earth upon his nose
did not stimulate investigation or turn our minds to the
discovery of the abstractor. The slipper was gone, and there
was an end on't.

The years went on. The faithful, loving heart of llnij
ceased to beat, and he was laid to rest in a favourite corner
close by the children's garden and within easy hail of the
hutch of the white rabbits to whom he had often devoted

some well-meant but embarrassing attentions. His memory
was enshrined in the breasts of his family. The slipper was
entirely forgotten. Yesterday, however, eighteen months
after If ay's death, it appeared again, for a gardener who
was digging turned it up from the earth and brought it once
more to the light of day from its four years' interment.

The mystery was now clear. The dog's devotion to his
trust had wrought in his mind a temporary confusion between
slippers that he was set to guard and bones that he was
accustomed to gnaw. Desiring to save the precious object
for another day and to make sure of it he had carried away
the slipper and buried it as he would have buried a bone.
It is proposed to re-inter it at the foot of his grave.

WRITIXO in reference to certain ancestors of Mrs. LAXOTRY
who figure in the Bayeux Tapestry, the London Correspondent
of The Western Mail says :

" Her grrat-gramlinother is shown in full flight, carrying in her arms
the child which was her grandmother."

That 's the sort of family they were.

AN inhabitant of Vienna had been condemned to 48 hours'
imprisonment and 24 hours' fast for addressing a telephone
opcratrix as "a forward minx." He would not have said
this over here. What is so objectionable in the British
genus is its backwardness in responding to one's appeals.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON ni\i:iVARI. [J^m 23. 1907.

* MIE HAD MO TtTt*0 A CTM FO1 CHII.BLAIM ! " (Set pntioiU page.)

A NK\V -i: TKI.KPATIIY.

A HiBNiMiHiv gentleman having
wriiu-n t> Thf I liily Moil describing
how be bad dreamt of an incident in
M 's latent nmel at the

when bin wife waa reading it.
cmreapondenta have cummuni-
Mti.ibr experience* to Mr. Ptnak.
He ba*. however, only space to print the
loOowi
Sin, The foil .wing remarkable inci-

Here am I just rending that most thrilling
about the sulphur '

mnes

.
umu-ly ]....].!. ami lead a simple lif<-

at my

residence
baa

hat

QMt

My wife has been ill
fur wane time, but in now rapidly
recovering, her convalescence having
been accelerated with extraordinary
peed by the perusal of Mr. Htn.
CMMC'S magnificent novel, Thr Hand-
man, which aba waa reading aloud
while I waa tranquilly snoring in an
adjoining armrh .ir I moat have been
asleep for fully two boars when

ersonally I i-annot nuikfoiit tlii* s
at all. My wifr and

I are

up. awakened

oddmly jumped

rnagiiwd that I waa
rlvl in
chanting a weird

strange attire and
on the

wean- l*>tli chronic vegetarians --in

least pretentioussuburbeof Kidder-
minster. Is this metempsychosis or
mental hy|K-rtrophy or what? 1 am
incompetent to judge, and ha\e written
to Mr. Ht.iM.U.VNN and Sir Ot.lVKH 1
failing them jn-rhajw one of your reader*
could throw light on the mihjivt.

P. N. HllJtfBT.
" Tlif .ViMdirfium*,"
I'ariijal /?*/, EidaWlMtMittr.

DKJUI 8, Well knowing your deep
-t in all psychic ]>heiionien:i. 1
make bold to communicate to you the
following remarkahle incident. My aunt
who baa recently been pufferin^ fmm
iiitluetiza, was reading Mr. THEODORE
\\'ATt!-Dr>rTO*'8 greet vnxkAylicin in th
breakfast parlour f our bouse, a semi
detached suburban villa, last \

of apagBriti u> the aooonpaniof

lien aoddenly I waa
eil by an unam loe and thnurtdown
a derp pit where, then waa a most
nfcokting amell of nulphnr, and I waa

my wife abe exckun.

Aim so fascinated hy tin
narrative that her trm]>cralure nu-
alarming I
take a large done of .n,-

it tiirini

it wliile she was in t
tele I waa waiting

id that my aunt

i- Mil I . ami t;

was born in Bonier I- this a

i n km of souls, or what? Perha;
f your reader* will lx- a Me t" throw
ightonau experience which is all the
more remarkaMe when 1 s.iy that neither
nnr my aunt an- acquainted with Mr.
^\IK~ loic;i.vs. hut are simple Miluirhan
<>lk who do not dress for dinner and
lave never seen the X\v

'met," Kn.l.I'i

K. -/i /.'</.

1"; MI Silt. Li>t 'I'liiii-Mlay niht 1
was dozing in the liillianl-room of my
louse when 1 Middenly dreami-l that
[was li)kiii>;out of a t'olliw Window
.n a niimlMT of Kton Ixrys who were
reading the lift- of WAI.II.II I'ui.i: on a
Hill of Trouhlf. On my recounting the
incident to my wife hhortly afterwards
..laimol. "How strangi'! At thai
\. iv ..... ini-iit I wa- I in trim-

ming iny Ili-n^on Lini|p." 1 OOgnt to
add that I have never IH-.MI at. either
I'liiver-ity. and that my wife and I are
i m pie homely folk without any pi

i, n, ic i-ultiin-. Ki;M.-r IMsdiis.

.W.irin./,' 1 ttriuiiKS'in---- /'.!./,

" Thi U to make an a* of me."

-iimmrr \ij;/i/' Itream, Act 3, -Se. 1.

"Tiiv: F-irl of SI.IJIIINK to-day took
. ernor and Qjmmander-

in-Chief of the '1 'ran*\aal."

Herald.

ITXCII, Oil Till-: LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 23, 1907.

NO PEACE FOR THE WILLING.

SIR BIRRELL. " MY LIEGE, I AM RETURNED FROM MY FORLORN QUEST ! "

KING BAKKERMAN. "WELL, JUST HAVE A WASH AND BRUSH UP, AND THEN I WANT YOU TO
START OFF TO IRELAND ON ANOTHER. WE'RE RATHER SHORT OF CHAMPIONS JUST NOW."

JANUARY 23, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

Tin- Daily Chronicle is asking. "What
has London, got in return for tin- increase
in its rates of one farthing in the pound?"
Our contemporary sets forth a long list
of answers to this question, including
line 1 leaded "Lunacy."

"Tin- IK ill taken by the Incorporated

liw Society has resulted in favour of a
committee being appointed to consider
rules for the keeping of accounts by
solicitors." There is no doubt that
clients are strongly in favour of solicitors
keeping their accounts in-lead of send-
ing them in for payment.

The details of the opening ceremony
at the new Old Bailey are now being
arranged, and there is again a persistent
rumour current, in Netting Dale that a
number of our leading burglars will be
knighted on that occasion. Should these
hopes be dashed to the ground, we fear
that an ugly outbreak of crime will

" Two tortoiseshell butterflies," says
a contemporary, " were captured at
Bishops Stortford yesterday." Our con-
temporary does not tell ua what the
miscreants had been up to.

The Field Army, as proposed by Mr.
HAIJUXK, will comprise a Wireless
Telegraph Company. This will be an
innovation though, of course, even in
ilie lioer War, we already had Horseless
Cavalry Regiments.

The gentleman who accused the
Admiralty of playing thicks and drakes
with the Fleet was actually paying that
boily a compliment. The Dml-c has
just been congratulated by the KINO
on her excellent gunnery returns.

Mr. HALT, CAI.XE must really look out.
There are rivals in the field. \Ve extract
the following from the preliminary
announcement of a tale by Mr. LE QuEUX
which is to appear in The Illustrated
Mail: "We can honestly say it is the
best story that, has ever appeared in
our pages. We have Mr. LE QUEUX'S
permission to say so."

The Metropolitan Mayors' Association
has drawn up a Code of Etiquette, and
it is proposed that Robes, Chains, and
Badges shall lie worn at public functions
at which Royalty is present, but, on
most other occasions, only Chains and
Badges, however inclement the weather
may he.

Since the fact has been published that
the coachman of the Lord Mayor of
LIVERPOOL wears a livery which cost 40,

THE PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.

Importunate TMdij (tc/io han been subjecting the M.F.II. to a running fire of question*. ). " Is

THE SKIN OF THE FoX ANY USE?"

M.F.H. "YES." TMdlJ. "WHAT FOB?"

M.F.II. " FOR KEEPING THE FOX WARM, OF COURSE ! "

that functionary, it is said, goes about
in constant fear of being stolen.

Two public-houses suddenly collapsed
in Limerick last week, falling with a
crash to the ground. It is supposed
that they were overloaded with drink.

SCHOOL MEALS

ACT AT WORK

said a newspaper placard the other day.
Indigestion ?

A testimonial from a number of
grateful little admirers is, we hear, in
preparation for presentation to Professor
HALLIBURTOX, who suggested in a lecture
at the Institute of Hygiene on " The
Diet of To-day " that over-eating con-
trasts favourably with under-eating.

To commemorate the visit of the
South African team to England a fund
is being raised to endow beds in hospitals,
and it is proposed that they shall be
reserved for the use of football referees.

America manufactured 38,000 motor-
cars last year, but they killed only 131

persons. We look for things on a
larger scale than this from America.

" Return of herrings exported from
Yarmouth " was the title of a paragraph
in a contemporary last week. The
homing instinct of some animals is
wonderful.

It is denied that, as a compliment
to the Suffragettes, the name of Park-
hurst Prison is about to be changed
to Pankhurst Prison.

One of the duties of the City Sword-
bearer, it is stated, is to keep the LORD
MAYOR reminded of the banquets which
he has to attend. The fact that this
functionary has to be armed with a
sword bears eloquent testimony to the
fact that even a Civic dignitary revolts,
at times, against over-feeding.

" Two bridesmaids were in attendance . . .
They carried bouquets of violets and fancy
line's, the gifts of the bridegroom."

Is there not some confusion here?
Surely it was the bridegroom who had
the fancy bags ?

IMA. I! i UK

CHM.IV.MII.

COVENT GARDEN AS A WINTER

Mtrrringrr.

\ IL-rr HH.I

wa* in the ht that be achieved

the most marked aucoeaa. Itwaaagreat

teat of endurance on ev part.

.< opera waa played without any

cuts which 1 t>k

lint at n neighbouring grill

I i.iiin.

of tin- enthusiastic
i- ataerenl"! in plumbing th>-
ea, literary as well
f. mildly erudite

I 1 ntr.iiioiiig

melil idnrc when the

which inspir.d its
design have I. -t Hi. ir ml. n-t fi>r .ill
Iml tin- -'ii'l' iii . f tin- hi-;. i\ i '
t.-. luii.|iic II i~, j-crh.ips. a misfortune.

p licit

Mil tin- humour of lir Meiflrr-
rinyrr drfn'ndu U|HMI il* \\..|.|-. .mil tln-ir
print** mint; r.illi.T lli.m u|m it-
I t in tin- so-nc ,if ||ii>
aerennd. . .iii.l then- tin- enWt i- -|->d.-.|
by WAOSEK'S dainn.dili- trick of iteration.
H'MT littwa, in the part of tin- roinic

fU-r. did Ills |..--iM.- to split our

Herr FIIMUI.* richly

RESORT, desen '-aya beatowed on //.IM

thinking.

uld have eh. ..-en him as

: never

se decline
his last.

With the exception of 7>m.f H.-rr
BUBAKD). who aang channingly, the
pn-n ticca, or LekrSuben, as the text
ualy describes them, wero a nit her
:i lot chiefly women in the most
unbecoming short jackets and
I >iip|H*4> it was \N i'. M.I!
of diversion to have them mcxsing alxnil
with the furniture all that time in the
'f grossly miacaJcu-
d the effii-t of tbeae juvenile triviali

im, which merely distract the eye from
MI action, and arc quite .stupid in

to drown the
..( s.i.-riticiai 1'iill-i. s.i iho
[do III'' dyin^
knrirrttnl ill.-n
..led :i
in-f with his quaint
ttitudes and hairy make up. The

but I aaw not* ly carried out in
omrJsksts.

Age <loea not aeetn <<> have withenxl

lut veteran prizf-oin^-r.

llerr Ea\8T Kuot. AJ a lover be may

liave larked (lie
bat vonlly be
lioo to :>
aa Km )..>! i

knight witb eslnordioa

i in Tui-sday night I was determined t..

in at the d.-alh of Triitlitn, and forlitii d

ivself to this I'm! by omilting the

Net. In the Second, the love duet

vent exquisitely; and Herr YIN I >v k

hijitfiil in the ojisy n.ntid.-:
bearing. He did a great dt-.d with a
whim- natural qualities lent him
cry little assislamv. Fran I.IIVINXK
lilf sjing nobly, and so did Fnin
MililK Hl!Hi\ as llnniijiiiir, though she
uffcrod fnmia tremolo, not altogether to
explained by nen'onsness on account
if the indiscretion of her mistress. Then
ame the turn of Kiiiiiij Mnrhf illerr l>r.
"'1:1 1\ ION Kim ss>. who was dressed like
i high priest and delivered his sacer-
lotal homilies in a voice of superb
resonance. On his arrival, when the
crisis clamours for immediate dramatic
it-tion, there was the usual
quart d'lieurr of silent and embarrassed
cnsioii. broken only by the
comments of the orchestra. And when
ic did Ix-gin to sing, it was so slowly
that he could scarcely find syllables long
enough for the notes. However, all this
m's doing and not the Ih-rr
Doctor's; his contribution to the bu

an utterance of almost incredibl.
volume and pot.

"la then- much more to come? " said

to m.- in the

I'rittant dlth," 1 rrj.li.-.!
i air of encouragement
< 'I, then, we shan't be long," said he

illy

l.nil.- did ho guess, bright, sangnin.

ih.it tin- moribund hero's last

"iild pn.\e to ! the innui-

of the ciirly milkman

wan he |.-ft | :in ,

Can'

lining

lie anil, lim.,\ of t ho las
' ally end-

'ind I will no

' ' : :

**,., ^. J

' In this death? I an nvver in brlti-r
in my lift- 1 "

TritUtn .... Ilt-rr Van I>yrk.
A'unrrmi! . . 11. Tr Il-ru

Si-r.ip at the ^ate was one of the
most jM-rfimctory sham-tights I have
ever witm s>ed ; and the villainou.-

is lie fell, had all he could do t
helmet cli'.ir of his head so

ivoid concussion of the brain, lint what
impressed me most was the -.[...-.I of

;l<If'x ship 111. i fare the d

turbines'. From the time of its IM-III^
lit.il on the liori/.on by the look-Otll
pi|xT to the moment of Innlili-'s appear-
ance, in evening dress, at the castle gate.
not nv.re than live minutes l>\ the clm-k

,1 to waste. This was th>
|HTformance of tin- long nielli '* work,
and theorchi-slra's spl.-nibd achievemeiit
under the' sensitivr handling of llerr
NlKlscll \\ ud.

'I'linr^I-ii/. /Vr l-'lirijriiili- lldlliiiiilrr.
The orchestra was a^iin l;nl<in.--nl, and
each of the Jirincipal actor- ~. . in.-d
to h.ive just the kind of voice that
.anted for his part. Fran \os
OVD brought to tin' romantic
: SI-K/.I a very gyrnpathetic intel-
ligence and I.-.TYI'. The Skippi-r Mr.
HIM Kin did high credit to his 8ea-
l.rn rare, and .sing like the llrilon he
iiile his slei'i-sman Mr. ClxMNi;-
IIIM. another Hriion w;i -.implo

of the sentimental tar. If llerr HKIMIIIM
as the Dutchman was not quite the
equal of YIN 1,'ooy in vocal power, he
interpretcl histe lions j.art with quite as
:<fling for the abysmal gloom of its

JANUARY 23, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

i V- ,

V :
M

< i

o c

z ^

~ t-.

m |

- ^

u '

2 C

I-

.a
E

PUNI II OR Till- LONDON < HAIW MM.

JAW

Hut he bore a

i h.- :
himself s>
The put of ev.r .|>i

and II

11 rioellent voice. was ,

n the dream passage, to imp

alien character, which recalled

that adorm the Italian school of Opera.
The onlr fault* in the perfonuamv

stage management. At
time the lightning came out <>f tin-
sky in tan of hone-*pray : at m
the dawn turned up l-f.m> it wax dm-
sad had to be sent back. But the chief

in the nautical man
la the Erat Act the Norwegian ship
baled the Dutchman'* rigging :in<l
displaced a nail pat. I. Hut a

worae ftueo came at the end. The
Dutchman's ship has to work in dupli

f.>r the aake of perapective a Lirge
edition for shore-work, and a smaller
r flying acroH the distant num.
Well, in the finale, the large edition t-k
on the None ship t>y fouling

rigging and stuck for quite a long
ttna. This naturally delayed the -mailer
edition from coming on in the dixtance
and foundering. Meanwhile S-n'.i. who
might liave <dmo*t jumped aboard the
ship thst had stuck, could not indefinitely
delay her suicide, and so had to pre-
cipitate herself from the quay long
before the Dutch Flier went under.
The week would liave U-en all \Y
but for a slight relief on Wednesday even
ing. when WOES'* b'rt\*ehutt wa* given.
lierr Evan Kk.tr*. as the hem Mas.
appeared with his eyes almost obliterated
with inward grief, and they remained
in this distressing condition throughout
the pUy. Not to be outdone. Kraulein
Miami.* CBAFT. aa AgaUu, wore a large
towel round her bead at the start. Imt.
contrary to orthodox methods in >
improved in health, and after a
relapse in Act III. wss ultimately i.

bust spirits. There was v
Of her one of the slightest

in an affectionate rule; and
of course, get m
is allowed to figure in '
unless perhaps lo take the
i. who, for some unknown
is permitted, as in the case of

RESURRECTION COOK.

I THINK that if I nn the Hayi

.ih all its plea-ant
and a.oci.itioiis. and could hire

- a* Mr. Cliviilt- II
and Mr. WKKI mi. 1 sin mid U-

hing more exciting

with -iimily than hi'ly Iliint-

1 do nut ]

i.. ipurrel with it. however. IHV.:
is not aometliiiiK different from what it
seta out to !-. And r tiling

for anyone to !> ashamed of in it.
Amu-ing the i-liildren is a worthy an<l
kindly i*vii|>ation. and the hig children
who are tin- liulk of Kngli-h pla;
like this sort of tiling. They like tales
ami characters aii'l situations which are
MTV much of the stage, and they don't
inch care nbnul any novel retlec-
lin of conlein|Hirary life. In thi.> play

Isi'l'j llunlir-irth . . Him Camptoa.

Mr. (\irio\ ha* given them what they

like, und has not liotlicred aUmt what

they don't very much care alniut, and

i-. done his work skilfully. lie

think this account of it

"BUJH : nising. I li

to lik. oilier sorts of play letter

before she

I '

open, a

Krau vm WimnvD, to hare a graceful
Icon. The Wolfs Glen in A
been better done elsewhere, an I >l

:;: : ;

Wild Iliintaman and his bounda acnwa
the troubled sky were not what Mr.
Jarrarkt would have npprored, even
altar a hunt dn

' appeared to be

from influenn.

IT is rumoured that tl

. . . ;

,- >

example, in which
I think lie has put a great deal more
of re.il fun ami , Imt I

should l- delighted to think that I
could write a pun-lv theatrical plav half

i my evening, and much of

:ucnt came from the fact that

: Been the pi. iv I H for.-. I like

.m op|.r-

timitv ng ineili. *U anil

tnann ' >n tin- wh. I,-, how-

ever, it is wise
parisons out loud :

ie K.M| ''.

comparison I -I i

Mr
MBtK was to I, . ,1 Mr

.ir.lm

le was ill may lie - and

: w.is lak-'ti. withacli'ver imitation
>f his manner. l>y Mr KIM n I.

!. for fear

not rememlwr. that the

-tory is of an innn-ent i//n>;v.r who

k in a vicarage and

ittract> the lo\. r, I'litler. and a

lashii< M who ought to have

narried the \icar' s nie. W he

-,ed IliT father-- life.' Mr. KllIC
great aet i^ afTaliility. Mr.
\I:MIH i '-. unction ; and I look forward
till to the comparison.

Mr. lh\\ IIM ^ i< of , 1,111 lain.

I i> a part he could play with his l.-fl

i.iud. so to say. or in hi- nd of

I tly ; DU| il i>

iy no means up to the weight I intend
10 unpl.-a^ant and quile pr.-p,~terius
suggestion that I.. ' llian he

was of thi> d-

i.in.

Mr. Wt ii is now the

dipsomaniac hn-liand. I d
n the lea-! to a finished ..tud;.
nania Mi pa the

-) I have ever seen lint 1 do wonder
why the puhlie think-, dipsomania funny.
\ genially excited man may U> amu-int;.
nit an habitual drunkard and Mr.

;illl gives you the real thii.
if all iihjecls the mo-t deprc-ing.
lo 1 MI- anything funny in a Imlli-r
ilropping his h's. (As a matter of lad.
vou would tintl few liutlers who do ; the
whole comic trcatinc-nt of ~er\an1s i> a
glaring anachroni>m. IVoliahly Kith
ideas of hamoar are centred in a fi--ling
,f sujieriorily : i/v don't drink or drop
our h's. Hut I mu-t not air
individual dilTeren.

The col, '' Mr. Hoi \i\s

( 'I.VIIK and Miss I'm < - n ihe

convention, are Koth funny. More than
funny i- Mr-. ( 'M . Hie vicar's

ii i- rich, ripe comedy, and I
r.-ally long to see her and Mr. KI.MIH.K
and Mr. H\WM:M. three (.layers who
ha\e the rare and pp ift of

liuildiug reality round them, at their
lireakl . r. Mi-- \\'n Mr i.- a

charming iny'iiu,-. and Mr. AIKIUMVN

me geiieralioi,-
if I I off the slage ill

pt.-d manner.

And then th, r. i- M;~- ( '..\n-io\ as
the aristocratic cook. I' -uh to

say that >ln- plays the part pr.-ei-ely as
she playi-il it In-fore. It was written to
suit I (I ejft. her- s'ia\.-.

.itni-.-d n. aimer, and \ery well it

serve* that purpose. Still, with such a

My can't help thinking

that if I were Mr. Hu-iM-ov 1 would

have nude Mr. CARTOH fl i iim-r

j.lay.

A ii \v nur
7/-K,/; ,,f ////.,

Jtsaaci

1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A WARNING TO HUMORISTS in tlle remote future, it is imperative to

[S ll ,.,-,,sfulp i ,.,,l,-s : ,v, 77,, /,/;, /;,/,/. "CTOT a P? 1 '/?' against the outbreak

moallv quite devoid of humoor; indeed, oi a sense of Humour. Any BOOntj and

like a sens,' reputable office will negotiate the

uf hum > stirri'iidi'i- value of sueh a policy in

TIUI.Y the risks of existence are tending

case the holder becomes financially

to multiply themselves alarmingly as independent and consequently unable

civilisation grows more complex. We to take or make a joke. Bed-rock rates

now have a fresh and threatening contin- would doubtless be granted to under-

geucy which every far-seeing parent or takers, passive registers, pantomime
careful
his

jESOP ON TOUR.

A STK\K was once being played in the
Suburbs in which appeared two Indies,
of whom one was of the kind called
Domesticated and the other belonged to
the Emancipated variety. The former
kept her Husband's Photograph in her
Work-Basket and was continually weep-
ing over it (for she had left him in a

young man on the threshold of clowns, heavy tragedians, the KAISER, Mr. 'i'ilTi. and the latter, much annoyed by
career should bear in view. Our KKIH HAKDIK and President ROOSEVELT. ' the Archaism, not to mention the Noisi-
ness, of these Manifesta-
tions, was endeavouring to
persuade her Weaker Sister
to throw the Picture into

attention is directed this
week to the serious danger.
both social and pecuniary,
incurred by the individual
who develops a sense of
humour. 'Those who are
wise in time will, necd-
say, insure against
tin' same.

The field of operations is
large, as it is probable that
every grown-up person, in-
cluding even those in the
hmatica.syl mi is, credits, him-
self or herself with possess-
ing the faculty (or draw-
back' in question. That
this sense of humour, how-
ever, is not quite so pre-
valent as self-imagined may
be gathered from a con-
sideration of the recent
IxKim in the Trade Returns,
the proceedings in Parlia-
mentduringthe past session
(though these, too, might
have been more successful
and therefore less liumor-
ihe behaviour of the
sulTragettes, and plenty of
other general evidence.

Still, a provident father
should by no means neglect
to guard his infant pro-
geny against the possibility
of its turning out u Humor-
ist. The risk is not large,
we admit. The rate of
premium, therefore, need
not, be a deterrent. We
suggest, then, that as soon
as any baby begins to
" take notice " Miss OPPEX-
IIKI.M or some other pro-
fessional face - reader be
called in to hold an inquest on the child's
features and determine whether an
incipient twinkle or twitch in the eye is
due to stomach trouble or to a perception
of the queer side of things. The
urgency of insurance would vary accord-
ingly. The family doctor might also be
allowed to have his say as the boy or
girl grows older, while indications could
be gathered from school reports and
other more or less impartial authorities.

In fact, as long as the prospect of
mat, -rial and professional success is still

the Fire. At length she
-iii-i-i -eded, and the other
Hung the piece of Card-
It, vird into the Fireplace
with a vigour meant to be
commensurate with the
Momsntous character of her
Decision. But by chance
it fell upon the inch of
lighted Candle that was
playing the part of a flicker-
ing Fire in the grate,
and immediately igniting
set aflame the surrounding
scenery (that is to say, the
cardboard fireplace) so that
the two Actresses had much
ado to stamp it out. And
when they had safely ac-
complished it, they glanced
round before resuming the
Dialogue, half expecting
that the Audience would
meanwhile have stam-
peded ; but, on the con-
trary, it was all there,
highly delighted at the
Author's supposed happy
device for symbolising the
swift Judgment that (in the
j Suburbs) follows upon
Contempt of Established
Institutions.

Moral. You never know
your Luck.

Bpiruttr (miller mistletoe and the influence of its association*, to nernoue
gentleman, who lias been asked to take a wall-floiccr down to supper). "Now
DON'T YOU TAKE ANY NOTICE OF JIY SCREAMS. JUST YOU MAKB*aE\"

A Human Mat.

" GIRL (respectable, age about
wanted for front doorstep."

18),

Hampstead Paper.

" fialbus cedificaliit murum Balbua was
Imililing a wall. That is a sentence graven
deeply on the memory of many excellent
riti/i'tis whose knowledge of Latin has lt?en
scattered by the preoccupations of the more
important interests of modern life."

Evening Standard.

So it would appear.

A DAILY paper recently
stated that Prince HOBEKT
DE Bitooi.iE, who is conduct-
ing theTivoli orchestra, had
" rejected his father's overtures again."
Whilst it is interesting to note that
Prince DE BROGUE'S musical tastes are
inherited, one cannot be surprised that
in their present strained relations the
Prince should decline to introduce his
parent's compositions to the London
public.

Fashions for January.
" Tire bridal corsage was completed by
a bevy of pretty bridesmaids."

Weekly Scotsman.

find

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE,
i /Jy If r. rneh' Staff of Ltartted Clerki.)

Ix this age . ' plensure to hml a

has the large and leisured manner of an ampler day
it is a i sue author has not devoted to the realisation

of her leading characters a little more of the tireless energy
which she has been in lavish on the rot her tedious

nrlian Uickgmimd. When

ia not introduce*! to \oii till he is past fifty, you have so much
lost ground to make up iliat you cannot afford to ha-.
time wasted on extraneoiiH divi-nthim*. even )>y way of e. mi.

me the memory of n lurid

:e ill the csinvr of the lee! tiekafd < 'nlmnill/. I

: retir.-l Unik-cWk with the virginal

nl wan Uiken in hand l>y /'"/'/;/ - s '- '"'"' of the light

in.ir.iU that -I.-- would l-iid pi. pi. ml methods of

,t 1 wax v iuiiigh the

containa a few trace* of the
old license if I may say so
with. it was soon

madeclear that l.i < vtJliLET
lad renounce<l the vani-
of a certain phase of her
iterary past. Unhappily
bar reform, in it.vlf a UK*!
desirable thing, is permitted
to find expansion in a sort
of special pleading for the
[.nth of her adoption. In
the Spaniard lylrtin*, who
t he Roman

t'hur.-li ill his e.isc it I-

merely a natural revenuon
firm no particular n

have ft noble
aulitary and contemplative.

tu arbitrary ante
to a caricaturv of an Angli-
00

iing a delightful I

li, /,/,,,/ //,T< .''. Ml- t'HAI

,,,, wdl men;. a volume dealing

with r> and ch.

uing out of the Cambridgi

Bttrione Society, the l.r..tlierh.l e\enlnallv U.ame limited
toadoten men. all !-!' Trinity. Not for ]

1800 vear* had lh. r. IN-, n .-neh a iiolal.le
dose companionship. To meiiti. : their n.;'

suggest a c, ns'ellalion. Among the lu.-lve were 1,'lMlvlil.
Ttoni who from the leaneryof \\Y-tminstcrwcnt (..the
Archbiabopric of Dublin ; FuKi+:i:n-h DENISOS MM in-

CiiMnrs Hi 1 1 m. Sina ixc, Hi M:Y l.i -n

his

an.)
other. Mr- Hi;.- .KHI I L.

HORRIBLE DOMESTIC INCIDENT.
Kurort, I'M ArtAio TIIIH AIIMAL WAHI'T QFITR RIFK WHEN IT WAS K'

i>f fotirth-raie fine

hen bluiiu-i her wnse of
judicial prnpri.lv t<. the
great detriment of h>-r Uk - - n work < '

As lur I'oppy &.-l-Jin with her chiuruHcuro contraata, it

ramgniaalilo aa having been put there for the sole pnr|--e

than lid it HI. It i nuttier for

astntiUhrm nl tl n>nght l.\ //'.-i.i in her taste

and ideals should hare 1 language untouched. Her

peach in bis death-chamber, where ahe addressee tli.
other warner (a i->r faithful orthodox creature) aa " my best
beetle" is jiwt a little jar:

M act revises her work for sun .> lition.

he may Ui

needed wit 1 I

fri.'i,.! AI.-IHIH HMI.\M. Naturally
addrened t<> i-ai-h

having

i..n. She :il-. i ''Tief

Init ii<lininil'ly r.>iii|ili-<l bioRrnphiefl of college frienda
w |,,, ,,,, ..von cliMim-iion in the world outside the

I'lliver-itv. N..I tin- l'-a-l fasi-inaliny cpisi-le in thr (1.111111011

. .-. .nls how arili-nt
yontli or^aiiiM-d. and in
iiiaiiiie.l rasliion
in carrying out, an c\|>f-
.liti.m to Sj.aiii with the
..l.j.vt of r.'lii-vini; its ]K.IIII-
latioii from Bonrbon
tyranny. Ti \\I-A. in com-
pany with II M.I KM. actually
.Idl on tin' ryrciicfs
with in. int-y ami ciphered
for the revolu-
timiisl^. lla|i|>ily they were
driven Lack liy di-

, .f a stale of hopeless
v ainoii<r tile leaders
of the revolution. Thus
-pared to

write " In Memorial!!." The
volume is enriched with
portraits of the Aj
wilh on.- c\c.-ption taken in

tin- bloom of rariy manhood.

They are striking (.

dawn and tw).<
both.

Is the

it when the

Hithertolliavenot i
much more aUmt '
than that 'according to Mr.
Km. iv.- -I \> K l'vi:iii:n was M-nt th. ''li and

met it within the month, and now that I have n ad the chapter

on it in Mr. Ki -i * i KM v .1 1-

Umk '/'/,, I

ludetl ' -I v K I'.M.i.'i i i nm-l
ha\e baSBtaingnlarlv delieat,- ].ers,m. i.inetta M-CHIS to U- a
very nice place. S.. in fad. dors ihe whole of Intlia. < hi the

in cycle into buffakwa, and \

get .pi t ofllci-. V. .u need not fear snake liites.

for Sfr. ItK\soiir. |t\tl. tiffers s-me half -a-do/eu different
rcni.ilii-s. including the I n that "a pinch of

gunjowdcr might In- j. laced on the wound and exploded."
He also append- - miens of I'.alm l-.nglish.

piilent and I'l-edominant Kxcellency
ire to wr.-st from its ci.niext, a petilion to l>.rd
COODK. and apply to the |,,.4>. l/.nl Ci i:/o\ v
tiTtain whether the intention of the petitioner would IM-S!
be served liy inserting a < ' or by omitting an 1!. For my
inploy l.th 'in turn. The volume is rich in
and fairly fat in point of si/e. 1 have nol
\et had an op|mrtunity of testing its utility, lint 1 intein
to M 8(> Hi as 1 have mastered i Appendix'

which tlealn with sea sick

JANUARY 30, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

WINTRY NOTKS.

I'Vl-' M:O| I I1IK, TlIKK.MO.MKI Ml!.
/;// <IH <ll/l /'liilnildi.liiii MrteornliH/iat.l

"lY//i.F.i>" writes from Balham to ask
what cNactly is tlio difference between
the Thermometer and the Barometer.
This opens up a very interesting subject,
and one which, during the present cold
snap, must have been in the minds of
many of my readers. Hrieily, the dis-
tinction may he put in this way: the
barometer (that is to say, the mercury
inside it) cannot get below 29 or above
.'!.! ; the thermometer can, and very
frequently dues. If, then, your baro-
meter is found to measure " lT) on grass "
(a technical term, which I may explain
later on), you may be pretty sure that
your chemist has misled you, and has
given you I lie wrong article.

* * * * *
Perhaps the most remarkable feature

of the present weather is the extra-
ordinary part played by the thermometer;
so that some further remarks about this
instrument may not be out of place.
There are three kinds of thermometer,
known as Centigrade, Fahrenheit, and
lieaunmr. Reaumur may be dismissed
at once, as it is so difficult to pronounce.
.M. CENTIGRADE was an Alsatian scientist,
and his first work was to invent the
thermometer which bears his name.
His second was to invent the Fahrenheit
thermometer. About this an interesting
story is told.

* * * * *

Fahrenheit is the German for "fur-
coat." Now M. CENTIGRADE was a man
of plebeian birth ; and, as soon as he
had made a little money by his first
thermometer, he decided that his one
method of attaining an aristocratic
appearance was to pxirchase a luxurious
fur-coat in which he coidd parade him-
-elf liefore his less fortunate neighbours.
He accordingly bought his coat, and for a
time was to be seen in it in all weathers.
By-and-by, as the novelty of the thing
wore off, he began to find that a fur-coat
in the summer was, if anything, a hin-
drance to his enjoyment of that season,
lie went still further, in fact; until at
last he made the important discovery that
there was one particular point, on the
thermometer to which the mercury
had to descend before a fur-coat could
be worn with any sort of comfort. He
called this the " Dew-point." So, nowa-
days, when we say that the thermometer
is " above Dew-point Fahrenheit," we
mean that the weather is too mild for
our fur-coat. " Below Dew-point Fahren-
heit" implies that that article of clothing
may safely be worn.

*****

^ It is obvious, of course, that the

Fahrenheit system is useful only to

"THERE'S no 'ULDING "in NOW, SIR, SIXCE 'E'S C;U.NK INTO KNICKERS 'E'S THAT PONPTIOUS ! "

those of us who are able to indulge
in the pomps and vanities of this world.
Our poorer brethren invariably use the
Centigrade thermometer. It is a pity
that these class distinctions should still
hold ; but so it will be, until the Reaumur
method is universally adopted. The
continued run of Leu Merreilleuses
makes us think that that day may not
be so far distant after all.

*****

Anybody may construct a Centigrade
thermometer for himself. The manner
in which it is done is to be found in all
the scientific text-books, but I will just
give it briefly here, in case any of my
readers have some spare mercury with
them.

*****

Having procured a glass tube, you
put your thumb at the bottom end, and
pour in the mercury at the top. (Be
careful not to spill any, as it is xinlucky,

besides being hard to pick up again.)
When you think you have got enough
in, you stop pouring ; and at the place
on the glass where the mercury ends
you scratch " 100 " with a diamond.
Later on you take your thumb away
from the bottom, and put something
else there a piece of stamp-paper, say.
In doing this some of the mercury is
sure to slip away ; and you will con-
sequently find that the top of it is now
much lower than it was. You mark
this new place "0." You now have
your thermometer. The intermediate
marks you can make at your leisure.

*****
It only remains to add that if the
mercury comes through the stamp-paper
at the bottom, you have the phenomenon
known as "Below zero." That this
occurs so rarely in England is but one
more testimony to the excellence of our
Postal Department.

VOL. cxxxn.

A TRAP
Us. Pi-raft

FOR COUNTRY

1 _ , f -

MICE.

IT may I
th U. P. <

i - ' >:: .

the

wheels
big

bv a

by post-
14 within

ii
There are. for ex

here a cellar full of glim,
there the mortuary fr dead l'-tter>. In
long room countless workers are

in |<rf<csting stamps
of pin pricks invented

huio*. M.I',
door a regiment
of old men. all very
eat, are applying
-

The constant noise
that we hear, like distant
artillery, in from the
door-knocking chuw in
Room A. where boys are
taught to be postmen.

The horrible odour
that permeates the base-
ment is from the vat
of anchovy sauce into
which ordinary enve-
lopes are dipped, to
convert them into tele-
envelopes. The
problem of how to get
rid of this fishy smell
baa been occupying Mr.
STMET Bcxmw's waking
and sleeping hour-
many months, and is in
part responsible for the
far-away look and dis-
: : .
er-clerks

. : I
wouretl for their rude
Around the walls are busts of heroes
the blunter life 1'

Sir ALKXAOTStSwEm-MiiM. ;iinl *> forth.

Martin's-le-^r.md. .,- ti

Office i .ii-ly call.-d. i- t ;

,ff of deductors is at
wk deciphering cryptic addr.-sse-

everyone <.

tills

" ',"- -' :1 " r

leat forefathers, an improved pillar-lux which can I*
I her,.-, of use.1 also for a cabman she!.-

kiosk, a lam]> -post and ,-\ slot machine;
in another r-.-ni a gentleman writing a
dram . '"-'I lang"

We look in at the club-room of the
with its jKirtmit

of the Postmaster of Crawley on the
wall, and U- rows and rows of littles
of slow gill ; and we lake a candle and

is a branch

n- watch l\^- astute intell.vts at charged as one word
Sr. they are all In-tiding their Charing Cross as two
all eiivel addressed Of tin

t,,-- II. tin- hiikeof DEVOSSHIBK, and had

i'.ut there is no
dillv.K.C. Here is a quandary! Whatto

from

nl'U INTHfhTWoKTliy AHTlsT IN l.MNi

Tur rotrSAtrcs-ODcau. fix THE MI-MI.II Httxcr) UNVEILIXU A PILLAR-DUX IN
set SQCARE, bi\

done all this

lunch, the replv is received
the P M ' authorising tin-

penny, and the /
tni-ij is felehed. 'I In-
staff of .leductors rush
at it as one man. and it

me miiiii'-
order can U-
and the pages mended,
then found that a
iMike of I il \O\-HIIIK
really docs live in Picca-
dilly ; and although
Piccadilly is not in tin-
Central but tin-
Western district it is
determined by a ma-
jority of thr.-c to try at
Mshire House and
,f the letter was
really meant for that
destination, the power-
ful argument U-ing
brought forward that
there is no other Pic-
cadilly in bunion,
although it is believed
that a street in 1 "urban
is 80 called.

A day or so later it is
learned that the experi-
ment was crowned with

for a solution.

prise baring been offered

But it must not be supposed that the
preoccupation of post-office counter-
derks throughout the country is wholly
the remit of cogitations upon this knotty
point. Classes for instructing candi-
dates in counter etiquette are continually
is progress all orer this great building
with special lectures by

officials OB tha complex art of not seeing
casosBr for five niinntes ; appearing
to be deadly busy while doing nothing ;

1 .. .1 . : .

ill r from the Ex-

do? The chief sends out to borrow from
the nearest public-h<jus- a directory, for
although called /'/' Pott Office London
Directory this useful work is never kept
in Post Offices. Hut the charge for
consulting il i-> a p.-mn. and this
penny, being public money, cannot U-
laid without a voucher, sign.-d by the
Mad of the Deducting |K p.ntment and
countersigned or authorial by the
Postmaster - General. That dignitary
to have gone out of town to
unveil a new pillar - box. A t-

press Deurery and Tetephone counters ;
and generally behaving a* if any one

:.:-: i . . ' ; :

send telegram was either a cattle-
maimer or one's oldest hereditary foe.

pnmihb*. the towns and

replv telegram is therefore sent tl
get nis authorisation, and meanwhile we

\\'c l|o ~ . , olltllll,.

in this fascinating building

nn and that, ami watching

the TUIOUB illd _ies>. here

an artist completing the sketch of a

new Man.p f.>i the S-ill- i.-re a

success, ami instructions are sent to the
1'n-s l>.-partineiit to j.n-pare a i
graph for the ] Tiling this, the

tritmph.

A Chance for Mr. Churchill.

\VANTI 1> A pr..p.-r Ham and
Bacon Cnnr. Pay l(s. .".D. free Ixurd
and l.-lging. 'I'lie pay "ill IH' ini"
from : ' forty or fifty if the

candidate is able to do the work of an
under secretary t'>. Apply to tin
J'riva 1 :v to the Haja of Kala-

kank

"Till.

.\\MM.IisUlV

Ci il m:\MSi; im:

( Vie braining the printer " might l)ft
next headline.

irxni, nil TIIK I.oXhoX ( 'I I AIM VA I,'!.- -JANUARY 30, 1907.

PAX BEERBOHMICA.

.The KAISER, who is preparing a welcome for Mr. DEF.nnoiiM TREE in Berlin, has authorised the statement that "the Drama is
a Mediator between Nations."]

JANUARY 30, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SCENE Platform of a wayside railway station. An express lias just rushed through.
Mother. " DID IT MAKE you JUMP, DARLING ? "
Darling (bravely, but in tears). "N-NO. B-BCT IT MADE MY D-DOl.LT JOMP."

HOLIDAY COURSES.

[" I believe it would lie far more useful to
the nation if our English public schools were
places where our boys went in their holidays,
and that in term-time they slaved at home and
learnt something." 1'mfcsKor J. J. Thornton.

I am sorry to note that the author of these
lini's has ]nit an entirely unwarrantable inter-
prrtatiou on the learned Professor's admirable
paradox. ED.]

WHEHE is the pedagogue can stay

Collected, calm and cool,
When duty prompts him to survey

The modern public school ?
A thousand faults the critics find :
It atrophies the youthful mind,
And hoys once good or clean (or both)
Ik-come a seething sink of sloth.

Sonic say the fish is badly boiled ;

Some Illume the blankets ; some
Aver tin- intellect is spoiled,

While others say, the turn.
Some swear there's too much Greek and

stuff,

\\ hile others vow there's not enough,
Hut one and all in this agree,
The schools are bad as bad can be.

So far as this I do not go,
Nor utterly condemn ;

I think it possible to show

One humble use for them.
In term-time I would keep the boys
Encircled by domestic joys,
But back at school they should be found
As soon as holidays came round.

Then gladly to the class-room door

I'd see the urchins go
To trifle with the Gallic }\'nr

Or sport with CiCEiio ;
I 'd see them toying at their ease
With PLATO or DEMOSTHENES,
Or make the idle moments fly
Among the frolic verbs in -/*.

The lightsome moods of EUCLID too

I would not wholly drop ;
I'd have the youngsters chuckling
through

The Forty-Seventh Prop.
I'd teach them in a few bright words
The quaint absurdity of surds,
And set them gaily to discuss
The humours of the calculus.

Of course, I would not wish to make

Their holidays too long.
Because they well might learn to take

A view of life that 's wrong ;

They might be tempted to suppose
Life frivolous as Latin prose,
And all the world might seem to them
As light as TAYIJOU'S Theorem.

But when their minds had thus been
freed

From over-stress and strain,
I 'd send the urchins home to lead

The strenuous life again.
With hungry souls they would return
To things that matter ; they would burn
For that which does not pass away
The pantomime and music play.

THE following paragraph will be
highly appreciated by the mere mother :

" A toy dog require* to be handled with as
much care as a baby. Some people take them
up by their front legs. That is as cruel as it
would l> to take a baby up in the same
manner." - M.A.P.

Of course the proper way with baliies
is to lift them by the loose skin at the
back of the neck.

Secretary wanted by Dentist ; goo:!
teeth essential." .Morning I'oxt.

THE awful ivory traffic again.

CHARIVARIA.

.. has teen made of the expl

the Dak* of the Awcxzi. but the roost

, from Brugw rode into the village I the water but you cannot make it drink
Croix>af.er beating all the The motor ommbus was soon filial with

peaaanta they could tmd, ransack..',

an. I houses. Many f

I, u .t meeting in Man-

the always interesting
.\Wi. " The Duke," reports our con-
temporary, "is going direct ! Turin.
and it is understood that he u.ll shortly
embark then on one of the Italian
at sliips for a prolonged
There are evidently
land-ships aa well aa airships.

It is denied that, during the
friction between Sir AUBUOTBI
SwETTCtiuMand Rear- Admiral
DAT*, the German KMPCTOB
expressed the henrtf.-lt wi-h
that nothing might ariee to
disturb the good relation*
which be hoped would ;..
exiat between Great Hritain
awl America.

of hie venture* appe;. ; hostesses are com-

An OMflM driver who was a witness messengers a -- <" "'"' l ''" .
at the Wandsworth OnntJ Court Stated t,, in. a I.V.IIK "1,.,, the age limit
.hat he had thin-.

L All

and had driven in i iiion Pro- telegraph

The Lords, Mr.
nnounoea, are to be given a
second rhanoe. // they do
not take that well, then they
will be given a third chance.

More shocking Revelations
about the Lords! From Mr.
STEAD this time. " The artrage

M of taek peer i* about
38.000 oerri. Thi$ it no
nalttnl gnxtth. It hat been
ortifrtally fo*tred for nearly
nine hundred ytart." Per-
sonally, we have never yet met
a peer of the above dimen-
sion* ; but if we ever do we
shall agree with Mr. STEAD
that it is no natural growth.

A conference of those in-
terested in the beautifying of
large cHiea is to be held in
the summer. It is rumoured
that a public-spirited gentle-
man who in interest"! in ih.-
s9ovenv*nt will then come for-
ward with an offer to present
of Mr. OKMOE Autx-
to one hundred of our

p-r,o,H : who ha ve heard
whistling in tho

will wish the movement even-

Tliose who an- ]invlulfd
fnun cinbarkiiiK '" lh>
of an artist owing to tln-ir
IKMIIR unable to stand the
smell of oil-|>aint will l>e glad
in h.-;ir that, according to
The Iktiti/ .Viivi'C. a l>'i
hiily h:is iloi^ni^l some wmi-
ili-rfully arlislii- i r.Mlions by
the us<' of common house llie>.
..nioiis, and fish scales, in the
place of oils.

There is nothing like calling
a spade a spade. 7 Vic (li-ntlf-
teoman, in discussing the
health of Cabim-t Min

I'rcbably Mr. H.UJKNK
lia- the stoutest ])hvsii|\ie of
any inemU-r nf the j.i.

iimeiit." Certainly, to
l.ok at Mr. Ihi.i'VNK, one
would never imagine that he
was opposed to a poll.

Wai^t.

BY DEGREES.

<irl Tunnfl. Train rlnp* for the Third Time.]
Pautngtr. "\ViiEiE ASK WE Nw, i.t Rn?"
Guard. " Kirrr-oxi Nona, ONE AND A HALT EAST."

1'auewjtr. " Oil THAKM ! "

THK following rea.ls nither
sadly :

I'lh.s.x.KAPH, |">r II.MI-, anil 12
.'! <':!.. nr rxrliuiiKB treadl*
freUaw " Krtnimj \em.

- '

Mia* Ear* MAT has evidently been ]>ut

it. . - . !. ..-.. !.';. ,-:..
,is not a great actress. She now wean
jet another new dreas in the corn-field

'The Man with n
an article in T)

we wonder, a relation of "The Man
without an Aitch " ? M 3.

i*e w

One day last week thre hun<lr>-d

and the Delhi Durlur. \V,
should have thought (but tins may lie
inst imr ignorance) that for an omni
bus to get i 'on mat ion

Procession and the Delhi Durbar was
not the beat possible t.-timony to the
skill of its dn

:-e Would H".-!:, . limit to

the ambition of the motor omnibus.
At lUrnej<, last v f th.~-e

: : j.lant the i
steamboat sen-ice. Tin- incident i
that a motor poasessea i !; advantage
. You inav take a horse to

A Chelsea Pensioner.

" lil tc KHUll'l l till IS. ' '""

\\iili uiily our IrK li.is iftnni"! t.i
, nm-
uinj{. Tlit I'liii'itrijf'idf.

untiing !

On a City Office Wall.

"It is of the greatest importance that
tin- Fire Alarm arrangement now fitted
up in the Office should never, under
any circumstance, IK- touched by any
McmU-r of the Staff."

Her Sunday Out.

"\Vi.inan Young ; must t* ue<l toatove;
le*p in ; closed Suinlayii."- Daily Chronicle.

I low she must look forward to Sunday
night* !

JANUARY 30, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE GREAT STRIKE.

OUR Special Representative has again

outdone The !><iitt/ Mirror, and obtained
some items of exclusive news regarding
the great music-hall strike. Disguised
in a light check suit, n blue chin, a
thick gold watch-chain, and a smart
little brougham, he has gone in and out
among " the profession," and heard
many things which he had no business
to hear.

I learn (lie writes) that Miss MAHIK
Lu'Yn is ready to start at any moment
on a tour through the country in a
motor-car of a vivid red colour. Her
purpose is to address roadside meetings
from her car. in the hope of arousing
the people of the country to a sense of
their duty in this great struggle.
(Costumes by WORTH, wigs l>y CI.AHKSON.
Parish and Borough Councils interested
should apply for terms to Miss I,LOYi>V
manager.)

It is rumoured that LITTLE TICII is to
appear in a new role and will address a
meeting of the National Alliance of
Employees. It will be his first appear-
ance on the boards with boots of normal
size and a serious look on his face. It
is anticipated that the effect of his
appeal for his fellow-sufferers will be of
a highly pathetic order.

Miss VICTORIA MONKS has long desired
to become a Suffragette, but has been
prevented hitherto from taking an active
part in the movement by her contracts
with various Managers. The strike
affords an opportunity, which she intends
to use to the full, of being present at
the next suffrage scrimmage, and The
U ></;/// Dixpiteh hopes to publish a
series of articles from her pen under the
title " From Halls to Holloway ; My
Fourteen Days of Agony."

The ZANTIGS have not yet settled
whether to join the strikers or not. For
the tirst time in the harmonious years of
their married life they discover that they
have two minds with two single thoughts
instead of only one. The husband feels
that duty calls them to strike; the wife
takes the opposite view. M. ZANCIO has
made all the signs he can think of, but
Madame persists in having a thought all
to herself. It is feared that this regret-
table deadlock is likely to shako the
confidence of the public in the genuine-
ness of the performance of this gifted
couple.

"Princess TRIXIE" is devoting much
thought to the question of the strike.
She will record her decision oivjthe black-
board at the Palace Theatre, at a special
matinee to be given onl her recovery
from her regrettable indisposition. It
is feared by the V.A.F. L that will be
"Neigh."

A famous serio-comic, addressing a
meeting of ladies, urged her' hearers to

llin-liir (luuk'uiij at clinical thermometer). "IlELLO 1 . THIS WON'T DO-
Golfing Patient. " WIIAT 's BOGEY ? "

IIVXDKED-ASD-TIIKEE ! "

stand firm and play the man. This has
caused some annoyance to Miss VESTA
TII.I.KY, who feels that the competition in
her line of business is already great
enough.

Mr. Gil's; ELEN has been understood to
express some surprise that, considering
his proficiency in the dialect of the
London working-man, he was not asked
to occupy the position which Mr. WILL
CROOKS, M.P., filled at the commence-
ment of the strike. His word of con-
solation to the strikers is, " If yer ain't
got no wurk, yer cawu't git the sack."
This is believed to be the dialect which
costs the Managers 40 a week.

In chatting to our Representative, Mr.
Aimii R ROBERTS made a clever impromptu

' conundrum. " What gives Mr. ADNEY
PAYNE?" was the question. Unfortu-

1 iiately, our Representative does not

exactly recall the answer, but it was

one of those smart little things for which

Mr. ROBERTS is deservedly popular.

Exeter Hall is still unaffected by the

I strike. This is also the case with the

I performance of The Bondman.

The report that Mr. CHIRQWIN'S eye

[ was blackened while he was on picket
dutv is unfounded.

Sparks of Milk from our Anvil.

"NEITHER of these artists show a spark
of the ' milk of human kindness ' which
in DICKENS' prose redeems his tendency
: to caricature." T.P.'s Weekly.

LONDON rll.MMN \l:l.

M:Y

!'.'

NATURE STUDIES.

THAT celebrated and voluminous German. 1 '

. I-.- . I. : - ; --.'.I
afaHthe ethical and paidagogi.
imd

' ' ' 1

with other chi

ren

,....

playing lores to exercise its muneUc fu ult y.
two characteristic* diirttoguishmg

full lealng

The other I- hrcad-and-

to ,t

taMBB BViT^" fpruuui in" "<- ' , .

; ' :

....... . : . . . --;-

Tbe beautiful truth wrapped "]' in this somewhat

cumbrous phraseology which I have fnvly translated fan the

origiosl German, w bn.nght hoinr U. im> not very long ago.

It happened lha ' ' ' [ !'".' liul >J

,,f the bouse and the absence of the in. - eft ,11 nil

-irl* aged respectively 4J and .',. he

. ' : ndanothei

hour still separated them from their l*-ds. What were they

to do? Mr own suggestious. thoroughly well-meant, were

rrceired with HKLKX, the elder.

ithiiriiy. "We will [-lay parties." an<l

I OIHV ag:-

n-d, was a game that could IH- i

bv two or more and a* often us the rules of bed-time per
uiittol ..*ary \* -r-'iis ..f the drama were a

mn ,l a I articular occasion, in onler that I

might included in the revels, the extra i-art of butler was
MMgned to IIH-. V\u- mite-*H-fcfne was simple. On a small tea-
table my handkerchief v ! ton-present a tablecloth.

and on thia was set an usw.rtiuent of a.-h trays, matchstands.
small bronze ornaments from the manu 1 piece, and ancient
india-rubber ball- which had oii.-c lecn i-arried triumphantly
on the noaea of Nut* that had i-- n Head of the River at
Oxford or Ounbridge These various articl.-s represented
the usual paraphernalia of an afternoon tea-table, tea-pot,
milk-jug. SUgar-lx.wI, rni. saucers. \c. To have had real
cups and aaucers would have s|>oih the game Kverything
baring thus been prepared. lt->-ii . \\ln> was to U- the visitor.
wrappol 1 ii head to f..,t in an Indian shawl black

with a ivl border. embn>id<-n-l with goldi and left the nxnn
my gloontily. ..tw. remaining seiit.il in

solemnity at 'the table. An iiiuiginary U-ll having then
been rung, the butler left the l-.-ni and joined the w-

visitor in the paw,

The Vuitar. In Mm. T>M wx in (hen ''.

Butler. Yea, Madam. What name shall I say ?

The Vuitor (in a /Intk of inrmtioit, but without a mile).
UdyO'Buutc!

'.<n. dill vilhout U tnnlr. nn-l n-

Th,. black side of this lull il

!:l,iwj. T.

;/ din/ f

I i |!i VN,. riff*.

, /r< /; DM and sit down with me-

at.

Luly n'l'.i iNX! M'/.< ./cini. ''' immediately rif,:< n-juni.
LadyO'Blanti ',.-./inni^ ( n--m-.i/. Will u,u .

:,,H-.,iate. because I'm late going.

/ >I<IH.

The parts of visitor and hostes-s were then interchanged and
the play was ivplayd. and so >.|i for four full performs

ryiiig incidents and merit. Finally there was a dinner
party which the h -an by reading from an .-UN .

repn- "<<" the following bill of fa.

eef, mutton-chops, pudding, pie and lx-.-fsl.-ak. '
The guest said she would have pie and beef-steak, which
handed to her in the shape ol a paper weight and a -
I 'uring the whole of the performance they n
1,M the air of portentous gravity with which they had
Started. " I'arti.- ' must not be played in a spirit of levity
that much is ob\io U s. The learned Biui'SEwrrz, however,
doe* not refer to this aspect of the matter. Probably it did

-cur to him that anybody could ever indulge in n
ur laughter.

I.oYF.'S Ol.l> SWF.F.T S(N(i.

TIIKKI.'S a strange pale light in the lowering sky

A. -cording to CI.IHON HIM;II\M .
And a hush on the shore where the shadow

\- mentioned by CllHov HIM.II
Then-'s a ro-e ill my heart that is like to .'ie,
For somcliody 's waiting to say " (io.nl -bye ! '
And I don't know who. and 1 don't know why -
Hut I have it from Curios HIM.IMV.

Tln-re'K a homing swallow on yonder tree

(Belonging to I't.inov BIV.I
Tli. r for yon, and a star for me

d another 'for ( 'i v HIM.II -.

There's a strange sweet song in the wandering
And a strange sad song in the murmuring lea
And little they know that they 're going to be

Adapted by Cl lllos HIM.HVM.

ii- \itii '! \Vhiit

' going?

tin

I've stolen the U-autifnl thougl

.n a voluini- by t'l.ll l"N BlNOHAM.*
There's a good deal more of it all alniut IOM-,

A- relating to Ci.ii ION HIM.MVM.
Th. : / ni'jlit. l><iil-li/." and "

And ">7iu// / ii.-rrr //<.././ '/"it >/.
" l-'lifln-riiiij fliii'lmi*." " \\',-*lrri>fj MIII.--,"
And simply no end to ill.- "ii/i/
Th. i. a Dow, .1 l.'li/. a .\/M,.. a K.
Knell bringing its different kind of UIXH .....
And the horrible part of it all i> this

That gol to sing cm '.

uiili'nil Mif, ' \\'. Am;.''.-

Inquiry.

1 want a recitation luitablfl

for gi\ing when we have fric-nd-.. We ha\e niim 1
fri.-nds: more, inde-<l, than \\> liy do with in a

like ours."

Kullj ha* beon kippered, and tin-

i^lhii i-ilirrn llrnilit.

Till- only leaves a paltr\ ,', to !

JANUARY 30, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

AffaUe Sportsman (to stratiger on tltoroughbred). "A LOT or BLOOD ABOUT THAT HORSE or YOURS, SIB!"
Stranger. " By JOVE, YOU KON'T SAY so ! MUST HAVE GOT INTO SOME OF THAT CONFOUNDED WIRE ! "

COLLATERAL HEREDITY.

[Dr. EMIL REICH, in his latest book, Success
in Life, reminds young men about to many
that " heredity goes transversely, side-ways, not
in straight lines," and that therefore they ought
to study carefully the uncles and aunts of the
young women they propose to make their
wives.]

MY heart, AMANDA, beats for thee
Nay, why this wild surprise,

These doubtful glances shot at me
From unbelieving eyes ?

Meet- to-be-loved, pray understand

1 offer thee my heart and hand.

True, other maids may be more fair ;

A brighter gold may shine
In radiant CULOE'S waving hair

Than ever did in thine ;
But if her Aunt 's not so to me,
0, what care I how fair the be ?

Although by all devices known

To woman's magic art
The others woo me, thou alone.

AMANDA, hast my heart.
Beloved one, I simply can't
Resist thy fascinating Aunt.

Ah me ! I love to watch her sit
Beside her woolwork box.

I thrill to see her deftly knit

Your Uncle 's winter socks ;
A passion agitates my soul
When she evolves a buttonhole.

And when we dine I scarce can stand

The beating of my heart
As I behold her lily hand

Dispensing apple tart.
What more can mortal long for ? This
Is absolute domestic bliss.

Nor am I tuned to lower pitch

Of rapture when I con
The bundle of perfections which

Compose your Uncle JOHN.
In his benignant form I find
An Uncle wholly to my mind.

Then, darling, need I more explain ?

The virtues which endear
This matchless couple to thy swain

In thee should reappear :
Their rare perfection ought to be
Transversely handed down to thee.

Strong in 'my faith in Nature's laws

My heart I sternly steel,
And when sweet CHI.OE pleads her cause

I turn upon my heel.
I love thy Aunt thy Uncle too ;
Then pray be mine. AMANDA ! Do !

WHEN BERTIE SKATES.

WHEN BERTIE skates the ladies fly
With startled glance and stifled cry,
As brandishing a knotted crutch
With hands that grip, and claw, and

clutch,
Like Juggernaut he hurtles by.

The ice receives him hip and thigh
With thumps that echo to the sky
While stars its glassy surface smutch
When BERTIE skates.

His friends avoid him. Even I
(Betrothed to wed him in July)

Scud like a rabbit from his touch.

In point of fact, it 's wiser much
At home to shelter safe and dry

When BERTIE skates.

The Brotherhood 01 Art.

In the picket-lines,

Jan. 24, 1907.

DEAR MB. PUNCH, My blood boils for
my poor downtrodden colleagues who
are being starved in order that popular
artistes like myself may roll in motors
on a salary of 7,500. Cruel, cruel
Managers ! Yours cordially,

ARTHCR ELVTN LLOYt>-TtCH.

(I M 11. OR Till- LONDON II MMVAKI.

1907.

I'rppery Colonel. "Gul> HEAVES*, Siu! HAVI-'I VT '.-T A BLACK

' Yl-. SlE, rr I'M 8AVIS.1 IT 1

Fa. l.-1'AUTKllMii: SlX'oTIV; KM'S

I t'mry.
ll.IUUM.Ui of tin- hunter'* 1110011 aloft !

Familiar of the wheat 'a despoiled tloor !
Through Spring an ih I 've mi-M-d ymi oft,

In Autti " more,

And ( i ovaneecent a a ImMile

When I haw sought you on your native >tul,l,le.

Aa at each unmoii'si en<l w i! uprise

I t'H.,1 i.j ^.IIIM- l>k and cnrtriil^t- lull,
I mark in men.

And fire again tin- -h- .t that f.iil.-l to kill
A hun iMing moment when I have inf.
"Thou want not born for Death, Immortal Hint."

Again I see ur <ah' conceit

Go forth
M T t runty lethal weapon all replete

With oouUe charge fur your undoing meant.
\Vhoa* praraMani exploaion (thoogh atag f<
Let Autumn aun*hine into the retriever.
, ... . . ..

.:!_ hlll'l

W.H-. - I aaa unacathe.1.

tiiom from my loader,

'.. . : : : .

:.-* on eae

.inly ivlit. i:ij tuous of I:

>ntr<l M\
Then will I

\V.\i; Ti TMK KN1FK.
I i ili.- I'nil'i ri,,-,,,,,.-!,' .,{ M..II.].' Inn. SI. we i-M'i

hiUt iliKK'i'K i'' H k "' ft ' '"'" ' ''' ll '' " : '"'' '" r1 '''

:,.nn..n l.il.-r.il ". Mr. l.i I'l.-i.l.-ut

,,( (I,. ,.-II,:.I|.M|, -Tlii- i- wliiU I si,. ,,,l,l l,k.-

i.i ilo willi ihe HOIIMV of l^'i

Tin: j,l.-asin fi-rm'ity cviin-c<l in tin- iiUiv.- rpi-Mli- i-.
u-i- i. -in tn U'liovc, liy no means confined to

llu- yiftt-d (.'nniliriiin who ) .'i' 1 ' "f '

. lniM-lu-.ni r.vmlly li.-l.l at ( luil.lfonl Mr. Rl^OWUCK, 88

In- ],lniij,'f(l liis fork into tlu- Im-a-t "I a singularly \v.-ll-

: .|H>.| Siin.-> |.,\\1. i-M-l.iimi'il in nocente vibrating with

'pawionat.- .-im.Tily. "Tliai i* wliat 1 ^lionl.l like to .In l

Mr i

in. Mr. Amiin l.M-ir.i.ioN. while reomtl) pitying ^o

at North IVnvirk, h:ul tin- iiii^lortnnt-. tin- ronnil IM-JII

hanl. to lir.-.ik tin- II.MI! of his faMinriti- driver, which

Hew off to a c.,nsi.l.T.ilili- ili ? tan.-f. A- tin- mini-lit politician

. ! ii up In- n-marki-.l. with >;reat int-n>iiy of fivlinjj,

,lv wish it ha.l lni'11 \Vl\s|.,\ s li.-ail."

Sir lll.Miv llowonill. tin- l-ii^tli of wh - l" Tin-

Tint'-* is only i-.|nall<-il liy tin- rhivalroii-, iii.nliTalion with

whirh 1. i , Ins |H,iiii.- ;l l (i|>|Miiii-ni-. was recently

lin^ at tin- annual l>.m<|ii'-t <,f tin- Si'ii-ty for tin:

t'ru.liy l> l:\tinrt Mammoths, ol wliich hi-

n. Tli.'

Sir Hr.McY i In 'Vi- tin- Mail' 1 ol

i i-arxinx'-knift- into it In- shonli-il in clarion

i ! ...iiM lik.- to do to tin- Duke of

I; :liat at tin- Court

Ix- followi-.i liy a ilranuiti^cd version of

! n.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C'HAKIVA I! L- JANUARY 30, 1907.

OVERDUE.

BIUTAXXIA (on quay at Kingston). "ANYBODY SEEN MY WHITE ENSIGN? I'VE BEEN WAITING A

WEEK FOR IT."

Mi). Prxru. "YOU'VE GOT TO WAIT, MA'AM; THAT'S THE NEW SYSTEM.'
[Earthquake at Kingston, January 14; arrival of first British warship, January _-.

JAXI-AIIY 30, 1907.]

PUNdH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

J.F.

(Ethel has been taken bij her Grandmamma to call upon her new Aunt.)
The A"tc Aunt. "So YOU ABE EIGHT YEARS OLD? Now HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?"
Ktlii'l. "YOU'RE NOT VERY YOUNG, ARE YOU?"
The \cic Aunt. '-WELL, I'M NOT QUITE so OLD AS GRANDMAMMA."

I'.lM. "(Ill, (lllANDMAMMA NEVER TRIKS TO LOOK YOUNG !"

T1IK SKU'ISIINT.SS ( >!' SCIENCE.

\lli/ lt<i i/iii'iiul /ilnlln-rbie.)

Tin: increasing prominence \vliicli is
now lieing given in the Press to descrip-
tions iif the personalities of eminent
scientists anil anticipatory accounts of
their discoveries, is. I have, alas ! un-
fortunately good authority lor stating,
by no means invariably relished by
all the leaders of this confraternity.
In order to contirin this view of the
Dilution, within the last few days 1 have
called on several scientific, luminaries
and found that there is a deplorable
and anything but public-spirited dis-
inclination nn their part to welcome
any intrusion on their privacy. As if
leading scientists ito give them the
name iliey most dislike; were not, every-
one's property !

M\ first visit was to Professor I!.VY
LANKKSIT.K at the South Kensington
Museum. On presenting my card I
was shown into a room in the interior
of which was a structure resembling a
bomb-proof turret.

"Take a chair," said a voice from

inside the turret. I obeyed, and the
turret immediately began to revolve until
I was conscious that a shining barrel j
was trained on my person. The move-
ment then ceased and the invisible
Professor began. " Understand," he said
in short sharp tones, " that I am not a
popular preacher. 1 may or may not be
typical of the spirit of modern science,
but unless you give me your solemn
word that you are not going to describe
this configuration of my cranium, the
colour of my eyes, the pitch of my -voice
and the way I do my hair, I shall press
the trigger of this Winchester rifle."

I hurriedly gave him the requisite
assurance.

" Very well," continued the Professor ;
"it will simplify matters if I tell yon
that I am not always glad and grateful
for the boon of life, that I am not
necessarily a pleasant companion over a
cigar, and that when 1 talk in my sleep
there is not a healthy ring in my voice.
Lastly, if I should happen to make an
important discovery you are the last per-
son to whom 1 should communicate it."

Realising that no alternative was left

but to withdraw from contact with so
hopeless a reactionary, I left the room
and took the 12.30 from St. Pancras to
Cambridge, proceeding immediately to
the residence of Sir GKOW;K J).\H\VIN,
F.li.S., the President of the British
Association and son of the illustrious
CHARLES, whom unfortunately it was
never my privilege to interview. ( Hence
possibly to quote a caustic friend-
some serious lacunae in his memoir on
the habits of earth-worms.) lien- al
any rate, 1 thought, I may be sure of
a cordial and intimate conversation with
one of the brightest -stars in the scientific
firmament. It is painful but necessary
to state that my disillusionment at Cam-
bridge was even more pronounced than
at South Kensington. Hardly had I
placed my hand on the latch ol' the
gate when a sharp explosion was heard.
and a deep-throated voice was heard
issuing from the dining-room window:

"Missed him, by Jupiter!" Un-
favourite planet of the Plumian Pro-
fessor. Hurriedly taking cover behind
a clump of laurels, I stated my name
and intimated that I should be glad of

PUNCH, "K THK I."M")N CHARIVAKI. [Jaouti 30. 1907.

the Professor's view* oo the origin of
bimetallism MM! few other
topic*. Realising that I was
. Sir UBJaoE put aw
_ and came on to the lawn,
will'panloo my mistake," be observed.
l.ut I thought you were the Maily
, .' . : .-.,'. : - :

my Book rifle. He has been dodging
about here for the bat week with the
avowed intention of feeling my boBM,
for all the world asid were a drniniiimi
dromedary, and I hare had to take strong

But surely." I expostulated. " such
an attitude is unworthy . >f a gruat thinker
who holds that the whole universe is a
vast expression of spiritual reality, ami
U nourished with the |--i|- M.U M-
the splendour and glory of the eternal
Cosmo.? '

UBOC [>ilIV I .ill linn tit -IH.E in
spile f exerxthing. though I li:i<l never
seen him befbfta, for h- is a great ami
noble-hearted, th mgh short-teiupered,
man said n 4hnu. lint inade a signal to
somebody outside, and a brawny con
suble dashed into the garden. i-.Jlar.- 1
me with brutal muchness, and ran me
out into the nod before I liad time to
eiplnin tluit I was not HA>U the hat
of the DeurnwArrs.

On my return to Ixndon. somewhat
and saddened )>y this painful
experience. I resolved, after a good
night's rest, to proceed to Birmingham
and interview Sir HIIUJC LODGE. II- r.
at least, I Ml that I was sure of a
sympathetic welcome and ample oppor-
tunities of i-ipUtuig my impressions
of an expansive and commanding
personality. Imagine my Hurpriae and
dismay when on arriving at Birmingham
University I was informed that the
Principal had gone into retrtxit and wait
camping out in a field near Kdgbaaton
in the company of wvcr.il trained
lliirrn-dly lulling a luiiuioin
off to the. spot indicated, and
are enough, in a nKiujik'n dress
r to that worn l>y f...mt Tourroi.
was my dar fn. nd OMVKU IU;K. ll
should expkin. in defence of thin iuti
macy, that 1 once spike to him through
the telephone.) There cuuld be no
doubt that it was he ; the great domed
fmehuad. reminiaoent, in BamwArr**
laasianiis phrase, of the Mosque of

- N ; . .- . ;-... .

his identity with trumpet tones. And
J+1*U+mm** + at Refusing
to etnreai a single opinion either on
the ZAMXM or the Channel Tunnel,
he waved me aside with a peren

'". ' >'. ' .: ' -''. .";' ..

ing the advances of refined journalists.
CTr^f"** itself to a sterile and atr.i-

is obm-urity.

[Hencefortli I devote my energies to
cricketers and New Theologians. They
never retaliate.]

TIIK riirSNKL ACAIN.

Mr Joiw WAD. M.I'., it reported to hare
in ..I* ihr following remark* : " It (ths Ckeaasl >
abooU be constructed without the alighteat
attnapt b-iog made at fortification or prepara-
tion for detraction, or any oth -r aburd

stiuiM of a'milar character. With a raft
proper boring apparatus and ffty prarlifal
-~.j. / trout* defray the tunnel at any lime.
for prietieal jmrpoou, uilhiit three or four

rated. Beware of the Pelicans."

A sdaVr. if not a wiser man. I returned
to town, pondering on the su
detachment of science, which. 1-y rrjx t-

was a tube banoth the sea ;
And fifty navvies bold were xve.
The enemy crept across one day.
When there was no one in the way.
Si xve went out II|KHI a raft ;
The enemy thought that wexvere daft.
We dived and dug and rose for air.
The enemy didn't seem to cure.
We suffered from the choppy wax.-- .
Hut Britons never shall IK- l<
The raging foe laid bare the land ;
Hut we wen- digging through the sand.
Captixe our beaten army lay :
Hut xve were boring through the clay.
We heard the prisoners tramping

through,

While xve were blasting all we knew.
And so the weary days went pa-t,
Hut xve xvere getting there at la-i.
Then jn-.ice was signed, oil. sad to tell,
As we were drilling through the shell.
It xvas too late to stop, alack !
We drowned the prisoners coming

back
i

IMMORAL TALKS.
I. THE Yi:u> >w V

DM. d.iy Mama said to Tlioxiv- ami
MiNia. ' MX d.-ars. a Wild Heast Show
has come to the town, ami if you are
l>oth very good boys you shall go with
your 1'aja and me this afternoon to sec
it. "

Hut a. ill luck Mould have it. while
the txxo buys and their constant com
pnnion f'i</< were (.laving in the parlour
that morning, what should little Mi vn
do but throw down a U-autiful xellow
vase with puce-coloured s|.u. that
stood on the mantel sb.-lf, and break it
mto bit* !

At this the poor lad was sadly
".': said he. ' I ,,..,',-

Mama may be x.-vd. and perha)
take roe to the Wild lV.i*t Show after

. doubt of it. 1 replied In-
brother, "since I know that the Yellow
Vase was a present from our I 'u.l.
.UwM. Hut." continual Sly TOM, "xvhx
choiild xve not lav the Maine upon /',',/,

Then he will IK- punished and

To this, ll.iwe-.er. Ill NICY XVollld Hot

^n-. for he was a good little ln>y. and
iiiew, moreover, that the I'tdn
v.is wearing a bit thin.

"No." said lie firmly, "I shall say
hat I alone did it, U-caii-e I have found
hat Truth always pax- lM in the lng
Run."

"guile right." s;iid his I'.ipa. who
lad entered the room unobserved, and
who was he.irtily glad to stv the !
the Yelloxv \"a-e. "and now put on your
things and xve xvill set out at once for
the Show. Hut as for TOM. he must
remain at home and go sup|x>rless tolled."

Naughty TOM was left t dilate

11)1011 the Reward of I>i-honesty. while
I 'a pa and Mama and MKMIY xvent to the
Show, xvhere a Wild IVa.-t got into the
-i\|-enn\ M-ats and nit them entirely up.
Hefor.- v. n

II. Tin. CAI

l!i I'Klif and Al.KIIKD Mere two little
K.\-at sch(il, M'hose birthdays came mi
the same day. though they were not
twins. The rea.son they were not twins
was because they had different papas
and mama-, and indeed were no relation
i other at all.

However on this day they each received
a beautiful large cake, full of raisin- and
candied )>cel, and covered all over with
the most delicious plaster of 1'ari-. that
can I*- imagined. Now Am;u>. who
i.-iy unselfish little l>o\. t<>"k Ins
cake at once to the Master, and having
obtained juTinissimi. he cut it into forty
slices, no small as to be worth practically
nothing at all. and gave one to each of
his school- fellows at tea time. In this
nay every Ixiv got just sufficient cake to
make him angry that there Mas no more,
while Al.KKKD himself Mas content with
the buttered pa]M-r and the approval ol
tin- Master, who, having countermanded

the eggs previously ordered for lea.
uarmly pr.ii-.-d his conduct.

Mow different Ma- that of Ri rut I ' This
^rr.-.lv lad. -atistied a- to the excellence
of Alfred'- cake, xvithdrew with his into
a lonely S|MI|. where. I lilu-h to six. he
consumed it all himself. The re-ull of
this xvas that lie Mas enableil to |.nr-ue
his studies xxith such increa-.-d i-nergy
that all his friends compliment. -d him
ll|>oii tin-change ; moreover, having now
ac.juire I a distaste for the inferior cake
sold at enormous profit in the school
tuck shoji. he Kived his M.i'kly |H>nnieM
for the benighted heathen, and in short
li.i-.imi- a pattern for all who knew him.

.W.'/'.i/. Ne\er le.ive t-, other- \x hat
\..i| can do xoursclf.

III. JASK.

UsK was a little girl xvho had i>ne
grave fault ; slie was sadly fond of her
own way. Her Papa, willing to read her

JANUARY 30, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

yr juiTi.
Mosrt MI:.WII> 'f
RfCtr 10 DEMf
M ii u iHii MAN-
NtKt WITH inriB

MOST (LCVtRt

MR. PUNCH'S PAGEANTS. STRATFORD-ON-AVON. No. I.

" YE MAYOR OF STRATTF.FORD KOTO PRESENT YE FREEDOM OF TE BOROUGH TO MASTER WILL SHAKSPEARE. TIIATTE MASTER WILL DID
AT YE MOMENT OCCUPIE TE ToWSE " STOCKE8 " FOR SOME LIGHT-HEAIiTEDE MISDEMEANOCRE DID LEND A CERTAIN IRONIE TO YE FESTIVE OCCA8"."

a lesson in this, once said to her, " To-
morrow, my dear JANE, is your birthday,
and on it you shall if you please do
exactly whatever you like, without hind-
rance from Mama or myself."

" Thank you, dear Papa," replied JANE,
"that will be very pleasant." So she
set to work to decide what she should
do, while Papa went out to purchase a
bottle of noisome but reformatory medi-
cine, of which he foresaw that there
would shortly be considerable need.

On the following morning as soon as
it was light JANE rang her bell violently,
and having by this means disturbed the
entire household, she ordered a sub-
stantial breakfast in her room at 10.30,
and composed herself for the enjoyment
of several additional hours of refreshing
slumber. When she came downstairs
Papa asked if she intended to visit the
forbidden pond, " in which case," said
he, " we should save time by putting
blankets to the fire at once."

To this, however, JANE replied that
nothing should induce her to risk her
birthday upon so dangerous a pastime,
adding that she had instead engaged an
electric coupe for a round of the principal

toy-shops in company with her friend
CLEMENTINE, a child of Low Manners
with whom her parents had strictly
forbidden her to associate. Accordingly
the little girls, having spent the morning,
and much else, in this agreeable fashion,
lunched together at an expensive
restaurant, and were afterwards so
fortunate to secure by telephone two
returned stalls for the matinee at Drury
Lane. They reached home however in
excellent time for dinner (personally
ordered by JANE from a reliable caterer's)
and concluded the evening with a
Surprise Party, of which, though the
party was JANE'S, the surprise unques-
tionably belonged to Papa.

Altogether the day, which, including
purchases and motor-hire, stood Papa
in a matter of one hundred and fifty
pounds, passed off without the slightest
hitch, while for JAXE it provided an
object lesson, which she never after-
! wards forgot, of the admirable results
which, with ordinary prudence, may be
attained by little girls who are allowed
to have their own way in everything.

Moral. Don't make generous offers
unless you 're sure they '11 be declined.

A RONDEAU OF POPP.

[Mr. JACOB I. Porp, tobacconist and news-
agent, of High Wycombe, who was fined 2. M.
and 5. costs on Saturday for keeping his shop
open on a Sunday, has now been fined 266
times for this offence. Daily Paper, Jan. 21.]

DEAR JACOB POPP, When themes are few,
And all the papers reek with rot,

One item 's always fresh and new -
That fine you pay upon the spot !

The hobby you indulge in, true,
Has cost you up to now somewhat
Dear, JACOB POPP ;

Yet, sad indeed would be our lot
If your exploits were lost to view,

But happily the law cannot
Within a prison-dungeon you,

Dear JACOB, pop !

[" This raises the question of the actual
birthday of CHARLES WESLEY, which is recorded
on the Abbey memorial as 108, whereas in the
Dictionary of National Biography it is attri-
buted to the present year." Leicester Daily
Post.]

WE have no hesitation in saying that
neither is right. Guess again.

NTH. oil THK LONDON CHARIVARI.

AFRICA JIM.
Tmt Liox-Kam's Stove.

o/ I**

Ax I fonl tended Vm

nigh iK
And wvrr lnii"iwf in my lift-tin*- 'avc fell I 1 <""'

["here'"

\Vi,,.,. i. n. nun . and e

'in Mir.> it '^:v ]M.-im,- warnin 1 . ... li i . if you love little (UTt
lit thenn-at l.ruti- mndeinni^l by the Ottv'nOTS, 880 pOiaOMd

Anil that's why they cotton I" me. Sir! They're smil'm'

now, lovin' and sweet !
Look at that one a-lickin' 'is kisser, 'e knows 'no to look to

for meat !
Are they fierce? I-or blew yer kind 'eart, Sir I <1 a little

in' right slap bang inside

Who used to go each

lie cage!

She 'ad a particiler fav'rit. Yus, " Africa Jim " was the one.
Lor! 'Ow she would fondle and )>et 'im, and pull out 'is

ni!
Well > wn a hut 'un, 1 own it '< 'd often get regular wild.

Hut V-'d calm down and purr like a kitten on Varin' the

voice of that child'
'E'd anmrtimca get tcarin' the others, that vicious ><mn>;

African otib,
Then Ktir. -h.- d Wture an' scold 'ini, an' make 'im go

abort with 'in grub !
And. Vl|. me. I firmly believe, Sir, that brute understood all

e 'd 'owl like a two-legged Christian when she said

igbty boy, go
Well. Km i -i in order, and trained 'im for days

upon ilajm
Till Africa Jimmy, the Savage, tamed round and fair mendexi

iewa.ni!
Till 01 .lack night in November ah ! the scene

con.-
I t in my snug little parlour, aside of the hearth, will

me v

And the thunder waa roarin' that night, Sir, in a war I ahal
r

ng wn* vivid and bright, Sir, and the rain
waa moat wonderful wet.

Id was supposed to be aleepin' all coir and safe in V
1 -
When to me of n - 1 in accents of

lurea me at all, dear, just humour a
motherly whim,
And il

"fa i-un >><<j I

in the l<x>k nf 'i-

,.
"\< >*

)wf,.: late!

tut 1

at Vr f.-.H-. Ilk.- a block 'end, as I deeply r.
M .lay.
\,,,1 I . .in' and kind-likr . "Bfc* nerrOOl

a\va>

I ill.
Int 1 -I,.|,|H-.|. What was that graciona hi lhal

i 'card il afore !
With the sound ,,f the wind and th.- thunder, iher.- mingled

.Id Jim's Mill, n rosir!
My wife wellni^h fainted with terror, l.ut 1 dashed as if

mad up the stair
I'o the r..m of my dear little KM if. O'orn.r! the ehdd

\\a-n't li

Then I saw i .n a tal.le afore me a ha-lily scrawled little i
With a feverish eye 1 ] . i n-.'d it an' this i, what KMII: had

wrote :
'IVar Haddy.ii. . 'd IK- frightened, I '\e just writ

words I-
We've IM-.-II and forgot alto^etluT to fee,! i i'.

to-day.

to s.ivc' you the tmuhle and 1 hope l.y the

time tin
I'll have slip]Xil out the Lack way and fed VIH. and .-vifely

n'turne<l to my 1"
And it seems to me strange at this minute though 1 didn t

much care at the time
I'o think as the pix>r little darlin' should come t- 'am writ it

in rhyme.)
<ih. the Litter remorse o' that moment ! The dear, thoughtful

kiddie was right.
With a scream like the cry of a Parrot, I hurried out int.. the

night !

Well, 1 tfot over 'ere in a jiffy and then t. . the truth I awoke
When 1 saw that the t-atfe there was empty, the Lars all

n-twisted and broke.
Then 1 runs to the keeper's snug quarters. 1 knock- n|

Stout 'carted mat-
All' we all went as" Hrit Uriea Jit

our fates !

And wo found 'im down there by the nnak- md the

l".k . .f r-
Told a lot l.ut not nearly so mueh. Sir, a-f his wisilile in-

JANUARY 30, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Angler. " HANO IT ! Is THERE A DRY SPOT IN THIS BOAT WIIEBE I CAN STRIKE A MATCH ? "
Boatman (who luu loen disappointed as regard* refreshment). " TBT MY TBBOAT, SIB ! "

" Mates," I cried, " what 's to do ? What 's your sentence ? " i And I thinks, as I gazed on 'is carcis, " as sure as I knows

And they all as one man, in one breath my own name,

Gasped out, in one tone, at one moment, the one monisillible 1 1 knows what that animal died of combined indigestion and

"Death!"
And one of 'em gives me a rifle, and whispers, a-hissin' like,

" Shoot ! "
An' I fair shook with hunger for vengeance as I took careful

aim at the brute !
Then a scream rang out all of a sudden ; up rushed, as if

crazy, me wife,
Flung her body 'twixt mine and the lion's, and implored me

to spare the brute's life ;
"For," she cries, "I could never a-bear it, to think as old

Jim should 'ave died,
Shot down like a four-footed heathen, with our poor little

KATIE inside ! "
So I says, after thinkin' it over, " Well, mates, I must do as

I'm bid,
For you see, in a manner of speakin', I 'd be shootin' my own

'little kid ! "
And they all of 'em answered "Ay, ay, mate," and kicked up

uo end of a fuss
(They all says " Ay, ay " at sich times, Sir, though in ornary

talk they says " Yus ! ").
So we locked 'im that night in the snake-'ouse till we'd

mended the bars of 'is cage,
But from that very moment 'e fretted which was strange

in a beast of his age.

'E 'adn't no 'eart to be playful, 'o 'adn't no taste for 'is meat,
Seemed to know a kind mistress is better than a short gas-

ternouiical treat !
And when KATE 'nd been missin' a fortnight 'o lay ou the

straw-littered floor,
Give a sob, 'alf a kick an' two tail-wags an' Africa Jim was

no more !

shame ! "

[in-state

But just as we 'd made all arrangements for a sort of a lion-
Up come, unexpected, a pleeceman and who 'd 'e brought

with 'im but KATE !
We was fair mad with joy, you may guess, Sir ; but 'er little

eyes blinked and grew dim
When, with tears of affectionate sorrow, she 'card the sad

news about Jim.
And she told us she saw 'e 'd escaped, Sir, so followed 'is

footprints that night
Till she found 'im a-maulin' a burglar, and fainted with

shock at the sight !
An' the pleeceman, who'd followed the burglar, discovered

me poor little KATE
Lyin' out by the gates there unconscious, in no end of a

terrible state.
And they 'd kep' 'er a week at the station for when the poor

kiddie come to
They thought that her mind was a-wandriu' when she said

as her home was the Zoo !
Poor Jim ! Twarn't the burglar as killed 'im excuse that

effemminit sob
But the jemmy and lanterns and pistols was a trifle too much

of a job.
And 'is carcis stands stuffed to this day, Sir, beneath a glass

case in the 'all
Of KATE'S lofty mansion at Brixtou, as you 'd see if you

'appened to call ;
For KATE 's in the circus perfession an' there 's no better

turn to be seen
Than the 'ippodronia's latest sensation " KATIUNA the Great

Lion Queen."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By

'Turn, i* a p I deal

y. }

tlitn. boning about from yiie i
ikr a lire in a bean-fl-
aking of

.inning picture of Kngliah booaea and bouw
ancient and modern. '

lYnaiinnti Mr.

d WIU.IAM HAKVKT I

'A u
it.-d. l.y a | r<-viou vngaj

''( l 1 QO7

_. ... lln- war i and .la]-.in. I

uts i.f vi
tln-lli-.-! in its voyage fr-iuthe Baltic, or taking

.-tie whirll sh. 1 siipi. :

third personal diary i- a .lapai

r. who.list-ni-tK preserves anonymity. This enables him
ito with fuller freedom, even sharply

lie inviin-ilile 'i "'j'ly

icn, accounts for th<, f the Titanic conflict. \Vhil-i

I ;di inn ill ill-found .-hips, with
. .-rsarv. with di-<-ont.-ii' and

It nothii

left the doekyard.
"f ei\ili/

invitaiii...' . i.v "..<,.r .l.. U n i.. Uic- If tl..-y .-.iM n,,i ii. ilic tfay fur JatK.n .h.-y ,-..,,M -li- f,-r

I1*T \ViMt' u. ' ""' 1-nl 1,,-r. An bonr Wfore I Hot ilLi Htrui-k the first blow

IHM; hly talking Uevoluti.m), and Anm-B HAU-M in

where nr only M i

I <-n-\v ;
I Lit tit-Id

i n f.u t ]
w.-ll any whfre and unywhen

of inter*-- and

v I iv th.-

way. Of whi.h LL-I lh.-
an nft-tolil Ktory.

erve aa a aami'lf. Cm- day.
when dining with Wium-
Arihl.ish.ip Tm
hinwlf overtaken by
hut fife-lung terror, par

mimiiiirttl. "it

ILL a " '' '-d

tl..

uf iltf right >-i ' It

oooaole you," Haiti the
next to whom be waa

:i.iw that it wan
|wi were |in hint: "

aVin. -.nkin^' the

llu. i.m ll.i-l ant-lio:
I'ort Arthur serein-ly
. furlual

-. I off

J war.

tin- divisional Commander
-ummoiied the Captai'
tin- .lap;^

;ip. and explain, d I"
them the plan of tin- attaek.
I do noi eoii-ider it necea-

-arv." he added l.y \'
liiiul word, "to remind you
that no I mil. even if dai.
niii.-t fall into the hat.
the eiii-my. Nor did
The i-r.-ws of maimed
went down with them, amid
exultant shout

Mr. Vivrvr ItoiWK i-

of |iw<Tful trap' I -

THE

f.iney he haa been r.dl- d
Tiii.Mi- l\\u>\. lint he U not that by a Ion.
Slill, f.- thuae who liko |..w.-rful Morion (full of
emotiuoa) here u a good one I', nut uml tlir U'uoJman,

I nfortiinatt-ly Mr. liimwx givis
ui> a 1 relief now and thon in tin- shape of

tbr n. .in- ><<'. '1'hi-x- arc tin 1

drran-M r- .i^ui.il.le. thoiixh |H-rlia|>i* Mr. i

mmns tin ; .d of journ.-ilist't.

liiiniiir. I!- mi : Imt I would iniirh

s'Vfiitli and ihi
.-re in rather a gtl \n-ar. Mr. ( IH

ncr v

Tin- latest Vulllllic ill lln 1
" Highway- and H\
Series" Highway* !<
icayt !- .1. K

tliat it lia- "i

sion, is a \.-ry i-nicrtaiiuiiK

!l'l .nlliiil.iM-'

Hut this diiii-- nnu~.

Mr. VlKCSKT know- hi- i.'imtry well. kii(-\v-<
name- well. kn..ws it- literature well. K' i|- I'le.i-anilv
and with authority mi Tr ami tin- \\hitc II

1'i-i/r.i Ay" and LinilMiiini. -Miss >liii"iti' and
Villay. the leknield Way and tin- lliv\ \V,
no KH! inn and im x 1 ""' ""' >''' ''" ;

APPROVED LANGUAGE" RECORDER
IT HAT mult ix mi rnr. TAXIMETER.

tendile . cunt axain-t him- ilia- rd- th' 1

niaglliln > lit maii-ii'ii and i-lale-cl the Mend" rk-'

I'- '!> thai was the i|in-<tin ; and In- an-\'
il in* the iiriiaiixi-. < '. Mr. Vis. i \i !

' ' W V M I I .

More Military Economy,

i niinlrx , small l.inulv .

.id 1

Mr WM M>\

i- M.iil w.- have ini ed l.r

i.ni-d il- l'-ader |

n Miin 1 e <'f the well-klK''

u- i" tin- 1'i-ii .'in" ulli /-.YcHi'm/ N

" II. \ >VT PM

H.IVilllt."

FKHKI \KY 6, 190".]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

GOING IT!

Site. " AFTER THIS, WHAT DO yon SAY TO A JAUNT ON ONE OF THE NEW TUBES ? '

THE BAR ON STRIKE.

The /Votammists. The "L.A.R.F."

the " Legal Artistes Representative
Federation," an alliance of barristers,
expert witnesses and court hands.

The " J.J.P.A." the "Judicial Jokers
Protection Association," an alliance of
judges and magistrates.

DIARY OF THK WAR.

Feb. 8. The "L.A.R.F." decide to
demand : (1) equal joking rights with
the Piench ; IL' 1 equal prominence in law
reports to their own jokes and those
of the 1 tench; (3) a "barring clause"
of a maximum 5s. or two days for
"contempt of Court."

/''/i. !). They present their " Charter "
to Judge S.MYI.Y and demand point-
blank acceptance of it. Judge SMYI.Y
3 to he liar-beaten.

/'</,. 10. .Meeting of the "J.J.P.A.,"
presided over by the Lord Chief Joker.
The Hencli resolves to "stand pat"
and light wig to wig against the
"L.A.R.F."

Feb. 11. General Strike declared.
Judge SMYLY'S Court picketed by Mr.

' .\\XII.

RUTHLESS ISAACS, K.C., and Mr. DOCKS,
K.C., who distribute handbills calling
on the public to freeze out Judge SMYLY'S
jokes.

Feb. 12. The Bench engage a pro-
fessional pugilist to get Mr. DOOKS in
chancery.

Feb. 13. A "blackleg" barrister is
snowballed in the Strand and blackballed
in Pall Mall.

Feb. 14. Mr. PLOWDEN sits on the
Bench with Judge SM YLY to render jocular
assistance if required.

l-\'b. 15. The "L.A.R.F." issue a
manifesto stating that the " star " Bar
artistes are fighting for the rights of
their weaker brothers, and asking the
public to stay away from the Courts
until the " Charter " is signed by the
"J.J.P.A."

Feb. l6.Tlie Daily Bail prints a
pageful of letters from representative
readers, among them the following:

Sir A. Kckewlch (Chancery BeneJi).
" Am supporting the ' J.J.P.A.' on
principle, but do not remember ever to
have heard a joke in my Court."

" An Usher." " The way we are sup-
pressed is something cruel. The other

day I no more than said : ' Silence for
the Master of the Roley-Polies ! ' when
I was dropped down on like a ton of
hot Collins."

Feb. 17. The " L.A.R.F." engage the
Court Theatre and put on a screamingly
funny breach of promise case with an
absolutely "star" cast.

Feb. 19. The Bench retaliate by
engaging Mr. G. B. SHAW as expert
witness at the New Bailey.

Feb. 20. Packed Court to hear a
murder case with expert evidence by
Mr. SHAW. Roars of laughter from
start to finish. Evening papers make
hay.

Feb. 21. Influx of young barristers
from the Highlands, the West of Ireland
and the Wilds of Wales to fill the vacant
places left by the strikers.

Feb. 22. A prominent K.C. secedes
from the " L.A.R.F." He is ducked in
Pump Court.

Feb. 29. President ROOSEVELT pro-
poses a Peace Conference. The KAISER
at once telegraphs that he will act as
arbitrator.

Feb. 30. Arbitration agreed to. Extra
large size of relief from all concerned.

EASY.

A LBOEXD or BOCRSEMOUTH.
__t once was a moke that drew a chair,
And the name of the moke WAS /

tml wasmattrd with thick grey '.
Wherever it hadn't been rubU-d quite bore,

And hi wind was a trill.- wh.-e/y.
This moke did duty in Bournemouth town,
When the hills go up and the slopes go down ;
And he drew a chair, as I said before,
On tho cliff that edges the Bournemouth shore.

There never was anything patienter

In life or in song or story
Than this same Easy, who wouldn t stir
I'nltm his proprietor laced his fur,

Mis fur which was thick and hoary.
It was " Get up, carn't yer," and " Stir your stumps
And " Now we 're off," and " Wlmt-ho. she bumps !
Ami " Kxcuse me. mum, if I made too free,
Hut the donkey '11 be the death o' me."

Hi- might have been eight or nine or U>n,
Hi- might have been twelve or twenty ;

For none of us knew precisely when

He first swam into tho ken of men,

Hut we judged that his years were plenty.

His ey were luminous, large and meok,

And his nose was soft as a young girl's cheek ;

And his ears he waggled them to and fro,

And his pace was a mile an hour or so.

He refused to follow the ways of ants,

Who never put in a rest-day ;
And his owner was garbed in a pair of pants
(He was one of the oldest inhabitants)

Tliat liad managed to see their In-st day :
In frayed old panUt, and a gaberdine,
The raggedest robe that was ever seen,
And a purple face, and a thing that sat
Aakew on his head and was called a hat.

He liked his fares to be thin and light,

This moke as he went a-chairing ;
And then, when the Bournemouth sun shone bright
On the sands, the sea and the Isle of Wight,

He started out for an airing :
He started out, but he soon stopped dead,
And I can't repeat what his owner said ;
And the fare observed, " It 's a shame to baste
A beast, but you see he won't make haste."

So matters went on till one fine day,
When there wasn't a cloud in hcnven,

With his harness polished and bright and gay,

The moke came round in the usual way
At a little before eleven.

And he stood at the door and waited there,

With hii chair prepared for a lady fare;

And hi* head was drooped and his forelegs brut,

Like Patience upon a monument. '

a voice said, " Thi* is the !. -nkey ? Law !

u think he ran really il it ''. "
And /.'<!>/ he turni-d hi* h'-.ui ami saw
A sight that struck on his heart with awe

moke could have cotton^l to it
the figure that stood at the Pent'wn door
Was a lady of tw.-nty stone or it;

1 what with her nigs and wraps and that
She certainly seemed to ! far u> fat.

The lady advanced to occupy

The chair : sh-- w.is "U '>' '" ''
"When. 1... with a tympanum-piercing cry.

The n,,,ke from the door-step BeeBM to Hj

In le-s than a .purler minute.
The miii'l of the 1,. "ii made up,

For the l...k of the la.ly ha.l tilled his cii|,;
And lief. '>' -':ick liol'i"

The donkey and chair and all w.

And away and away and away he Hew,
While his owner after him sliutlled ;
And ii|> the hill like a Hash he drew
Hi- i-hair with a ]>aee completely new,
his feelings were sadly rulllel.
And faster and faster along the Hat
1 1, sped to escape the lady fat,
Till he came to the edge of the cliff, and then
Went over, and never was seen again.

And still, when the nights are wild and chill,
And the furious winds are shrieking,

The ghost of a donkey scales the hill

At a break-neck |.ace'with a cry that 's shrill,
And his chair comes after him creaking.

And men say this is the very one

Who lied from a lady of twenty stone ;

Who had never in all his life gone fast.

Till he sighted her hulk and went at la-t !

B.C.L.

"WILLIAM BAKER": THK XKW PARLOUS GAME
" WILLIAM BAKF.U" is simple and inexpensive, yet full of
genuine healthy excitement. It can lie played with i ..... ley,
nuts or war 'medals. Those who object on principle to
large stakes may even use confetti.

To start the game, the following advertisement is put in a
paper: "Will the relatives of the late WII.I.HM B\M'lt. who
died between the years 1890 and I'.MMi, kindly communicate
. _? [here supply full name and addre ot the

__ . _

promoter of the game] and they may hear of somethi;
their advantage."

r obvious reasons it is advisable to advertise early.

With the aid of the following rules any intelligent
.and -William Haker " appeals peculiarU 1
intelligence) may grasp the principles of the game.

The players having assembled (this is an essential point)
all the letters (unopened) are dealt round, with the e\.vption
of twenty one which form a pool.

The first player (usually a lady) then opens her top enve-
lope and rails oilt in a clear voice the degr ...... f relationship

which the writer claims to the late W. 11. Having don,
she neatly tears her letter a.-ro-s. and all the other pi
pay her her .-core. She is followed by the gentleman on her
right, who plays hi- top envel,,| ..... xactly in the same manner.

Widows ami Birth (Vrtitiratcs entitle a p!
draw one letter from the pool.

The scoring is as follows :

Widows .......................................... count

Brothers and Si-'.

I'.iilltB.

Sons and Daughters

1-t ( 'iiusins

once or more removed

L'nd. ,",rd and -Ith ('.nisi us, whether ro-

movi-d or still then'

( 'ou-ius of .'th or greater jKiwer

Those who claim to have lent the late

W. B. money ,

Solicitors

- r>
-10

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 6, 1907.

SHADOWED !

OR, THE TEMPTATION OF ARTHUR.
"IF I WAS ONLY SURE NO ONE WAS LOOKING I'D THROW THE WRETCHED THING OVER!"

FEBRUARY C, 1007.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

Tin-: HOME Sin HKIAIIY and the police
authorities have been attacked for
allowing an innocent, man to remain
in prison. Hut justice demands that
it should lie rein em he red that a large
number of guilty persons are allowed
to remain out of prison.

A gentleman who has been reading
about the preliminaries of the Thaw
trial asks whether a Talesman is the

same tiling as a Storyteller: or simply
means a Monke\ .

It is feared that the title of Mr. CYRIL
MUI>E'S new theatre, The Playhouse,
may cause it to be confused, in the
minds of country cousins, with the
House of Commons.

A correspondent inquires whether
the Urania Society is the Music Hall
Stars' Union.

Mr. TREE desires it to be known that
there is no truth in the statement that
has been made public in a London
paper that he contemplated appearing
at a Music Hall. The assertion that he
intruded to take the part of HARRY
I AIDER during the strike was thought
improbable by many persons.

A proposal put forward at the Labour
Party's Conference in favour of organis-
ing a party with the ultimate object
of overthrowing the present competitive
system and establishing public owner-
ship was defeated, as Mr. KEIR HARDIE
said it would be an error to impose
i Socialism on an unprepared people. It
j is good to think that our masters,
i though strong, are also humane.

The theft of metal from Chatham
Dockyard is now confirmed. It seems
too bad that when the members of the
Cabinet lie awake all day thinking
how they may save a few pounds for
the nation, even at the risk of weaken-
ing the Navy and the Army, they should
be baulked in this way.

A Metropolitan Magistrate has declared
that a monkey has as much right to usi
the pavement as a man. This decision
will anyhow obviate the many vexed
questions of classification which would
have arisen had the contrary view been
held.

Humility has never been the leading
national feature of the Welsh. Yet Tin
Kuiitli Wales Echo, after stating that the
ice at Newport was "about two miles ir
thickness," made no boastful comment
but modestly added that it was "per-
fectlv safe."

A FAITH CURE.

Fond Mnthei . " ARE YOU FEELING BETTER NOW, DARLING ? "

Small 7ioi/. " YES, FANK TOD, MUMMY. NCFFIX' I.IKE A BUS Fon A HEADACHE. A BIO BUN.
LITTLE ONES ARE NO GOOD."

The Roman Catholics of Brazil have
presented the POPE with a volume bound
in solid gold and studded with diamonds
and emeralds, and Ttie Times cheap
book movement is considered to have
received a serious set-back.

The fact that some Roman pavement
has been discovered at Colchester re-
minds us that much of the pavement
in certain districts of London is dis-
gracefully old.

The h't'iulci; the other day, contained
an inquiry from a correfipondejit as to
how to become a Flat Porter. The
answer will surely be supplied by a
motor-car ?

Occasionally one is left thinking.
This is the position in which we found
ourselves after reading the opening
sentence of the article on Hridge in a
recent issue of The We*tminxti-r <t<r.<-tt<-.
It said: "My correspondent Mr. E.
Coi HAND .... writes to me saying that
I am wrong in thinking that a ruhlxT
is not played in nearly such a short
time as one would suppose." Help !

Man -.'!'. with fivr years' ioc|Tipnr<>
in leading I'liMNIirrs. desires to belK-'r liin
position.' 1'itliliflifrn' < "in-tilnr.

HIT what better position coull there
be than that of leading our pxiblishers?
It is what even Mr. HOOVER cannot do. >

1'! NTH, OR THE LONDON CM.MMV.MU. [n*un 6. 1907.

A TRAP
MB. POMS/I

FOR

.. . .

tbe

Except for this mania for receiving
twopence, porters are .juite nice f.-ll..w.-
who always aay " Hy you: i-< f. -p

your tOCS to |.iwderor nicking
little piixi* out of \oiir I

'I'ln- teniimi of bunion are very differ
cut in character. Charing (W
example, is restless; St. Pancras is
. !,!- l,.nd,,n Itridge is filK-

i every tr.iin .suggests that it

and complacent ; I.iverpnol Str.-et
bourgeois and anxious. Victoria bat

CaurnaXXL

ThtOrral Termini.

." von most understand, is
plural of "terminus." No geotle-
aays " terminuses," just as no lady
omnibL" These are the 6ne shades
of London culture, which you will have
to acquire if yon are to mix with tin
haul ton SB one of th""^"""- "f Victoria it is not too proper to speak,

Terminus means the end. King's for it is from this terminus that trains
Cross, far example, is the end of the go to Brighton. In short, Victoria is
CJreal Northern. However long you sit the station for thick veils
in the train after
arriving at that
station, you will not
be carried any
further. It is well
therefore to get out
and take a cab or
bus.

You have to guess
the TW" of the
terminus you are at,
because it is i.
posted up, as it is
in the case of way
- :
">' :

any porter will,
however, inform
you where you are.
Under this sum no
porter will do any-
thing. It is not
that he is not paid
by the Railway
Company which
employs him, but
that he wishes to

his freedom

1 ' .'
Show him two-

CH.UTEB XXIII.

II nr t<> Travel Free.
Then' an- only tlmv ways of travelling
for nothing. < >ne is to get under the
lint that is flirty. Another is to
leave tin 1 tr.iin just before it reach.-- tin-
ticket ciill.vliiig Malion and walk the
ill.' way: but that i.-. danger. .11-.
I'll.- thir.l way is t(.

is rich This last is tin- ni"-t popular.

CluniJt XXIV.

Some SIKH./ Ailrice.

conclude with a

b't US

maxims.
1. Wait

few mil

till the

pence, however, and
be ia your slave.
Why it is net
aary for Railway Companies' servants to
be paid twice over, no one baa ever
d; but so it is. Ordinary
such as clerks, editors,
ministers, doctors, are
only once; but porters are paid twice.

There was once a man who took his
courage in both hands and aaked the
porter who had put his boxes in the
van to give him a good reason
i heavy premium should be
pat upon daily duty. The porter said
nothing, and the courageous jisssBngar
settled back in his seat, convinced
that he had performed a j
vice ; but when he reached
lion he found that his
bean left behind on the plat form.

OCR I.-XTIU'STWOUTHY AHTIST IX I.oNDON.
A* Accnox OF Amo-n i.r.rr BT PAMOOIRS in RAIL* AT CARIIAOE HAT-RACKS.

moral ia : Do as others do, or you will

CHAPTER XXII.
Itailiray Flottam and Jetsam.

There are few persona who can lay their
hands on their hearts and honestly say-
that they have never left anything in a
railway carriage. Statistics show that
at one time or another everything has
been left in a railway carriage, from a
big drum to marriage lines, from a baby
l'i the Hneyelopcedia !trit<iiini<-n. Tin-
old thing is that so few of these waifs
and strays are claimed t
sale is held for their dispersal, at which
the most astonishing bargains can In-
obtained : hahin. for a shilling each, for
iple; umbrellas five a penny ; U-k-

cheaper than The Times can do them ;
pianos at the j, n . e of firewood : and so

forth.

train lliis

important coiins<-l.
by tin- way. is
often altered, by
the eli-ion of the
tirst Ic-tter of
"tr.iin," to "Wait
till the niin !-:

an adaptation
which keeps car-
riages in a roar.
No real humorist
ever travels without
a pocket knife).

L'. If you are
asked by a company
of strangers to join
them in a Raine of
cards decline.

3. Avoid foot-
warmers, unless
your soles are made
of something
stronger than
leather.

4. Don't pull the
cominun icat ion-
cord without good
reason, or you 'II
have to pay a liver.

."p. iKm't be sur-
prised, when yon
do pull it, if tin-
train doesn't stop.
berth to gentlemen

C. Give a wide

with thimbles, peas, and cards ill sets
of three.

7. If a carriage contains only a young
man and a young woman obviously
engaged, choose another. May the game'.

And. above sH

8. Keep plenty of twopeiicvs ready.
You will ha\e a bad time if you don't.

(To be continued.)

" MK. AI.DF.RT Mini. ASF., nuth.ir of ''Iliere'* s

' r littl.- cliilcln-ii," li:ii just celebrated

Ins .sL'ml liirtli.by at Ni-K|-.rt, l.\V.,!iy writing

a hirthday poem, of which the following is one

"( ill- verem:

" I.1NSKKH C'OMPOUND cures Cotighs
- immediate relief. '.'&'' p ""'
lirutol l>,i,ly Mercury.

\\'}. like the motif, but the metre
to us.

FEBRUARY C, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Reporter. "To WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE VOUK GREAT AGE?"

Oldest Inliabitant. "1 BAIN'T SURE YET, SlR. THERE BE SEVERAL O 1 THEM PATENT MEO'ciNE COMPANIES AS IS BARGAIN1N 1 WITH HE."

A IHNT TO CUDGERS.
(An Echo of "Punch, brothers, punch," by Mark Twain.)

The Daily Express of Jan. 29 has unearthed a new
slang vocabulary that of the motor-bus men. A few such
flowers of speech are as follows :

Rabbit : an inside passenger.

Monkey : an outside passenger.

( lumboil : a passenger who takes up the room of two.

Pill : a passenger who goes the whole distance from the
starting place.

Cudgor : a passenger who stops the vehicle when alighting.

Tipper : an omnibus inspector.

Spot : a private detective employed by the Company.

Tintack : a vehicle that keeps in front and takes all avail-
able passengers.

Up the staircase : a vehicle that lags behind another.

Hutch : the inside of the motor omnibus.

To such disrespectful appellations we can only reply with
a familiar transatlantic jingle, though, personally, we are
not in the habit of cudging, and have hitherto disapproved
of the practice. Even rabbits, however, will turn, and may
some day, perchance, elaborate a slang of their own by way
of self-defence. Meanwhile, accompanied by the buzz of
the bus :

Cudge, rabbits, cudge, cudge with care,
Cudge if you 'd hear the conductor swear !
Cudge if you 're a monkey coming down the stair,
Cudge if you 're a gumboil with a single fare !

Cudge if you 're a pill,

Cudge if feeling ill,

Cudge if there 's a tipper come aboard your hutch,
Cudge if you 've a game leg, cudge if you 've a crutch ;
Cudge if there 'B a tintack tacking on in front,
Cudge if up the staircase " Arrows " join the hunt !

Cudge if you 're a spot,

Cudge if you are not ;
Cudge, in fact, like anything, for sure you owe a

grudge
To the slangy motor-bus men who have coined the verb

" to cudge "

Cudge, therefore, cudge, and the skidders will despair,
And invent politer nick-names, if you cudge with care !

Our Financial Column.

" EUSTACE " wants to know how to li ve on nothing a day
for three months. Really, EUSTACE, you must not ask us
such riddles again, but seriously speaking, why not try
assaulting a constable in the execution of his duty ?

"HoxTON." (1). One way of getting warm in cold weather
is wearing a fur coat.

Messrs. SKINNED, the well-known furriers of Cheapside Hill
(this is strictly between ourselves of course), are making some
simply lovely evening wraps which should suit you down
to the ground. Of course a fire would come cheaper.

(2). STANLEY HICKS is SEYMOUR BRETT'S brother; no, you
cannot tell them apart unless you see them together.

THE LIMIT;

OB. OvnOBUD IS THE BOOK-SHOP.

.\tkatktKntb4gmniUto Utt taterpntt of " Tlu Tim**.")

sn of recent and exceedingly bully American books,
of which The Dime* baa bought the sole rigl gland .

are now on view at the Kma Mwm rs to thu

. . . . . , ;.-.-

of comnanngthe price* named by The Dime* with those

orfinanly charged for similar book, by i.ilwn. of th,

Publishers Trust

Notable among these books i ' il directory < >f

Jacksonville, Mo. English readers may not be aware that
there are no fewer than thirty Jacksonville m the 1 nited
States, but the Jacksonville in -mention is preeminent by
reason of the fact tha birthplace of our Mr. J R-V

to say nothing of tlie fact that iu stank manufactures include
candv, pumps and windmills, cigar IH.X.S. patent swings, and
flavouring extracts. The population of Jacksonville is 1

It has several churches, numerous

and

growng.

banks, and a magnificent sewage farm, a full account of winch
will be found in the Directory, copies of which, bound in ml
American doth, may be had at the l>ime thufttm fur the
sacrificial price of :.'. <W. each.

Another of these American books and a very interesting
one is the '.'uufo of the Memphis and Charleston

shville and Chattanooga Railways, the intersection ol
which is one of the most romantic features of Jackson County
in North-east Alabama. As English readers are doubtless
aware, there are in the I'nited States no fewer than 2C
counties and little short of 200 townships, called Jackson
The Time-Table*, which are liandsomely bound in paper
covers, will form a very attractive failure in any gentleman's
drawing -r>. m. Mad a member of the Publishers' Trust

I the English rights they would certainly not have
been listed at less than 10*. Tlte D'tme* prices them at 6d.
Mora than that, any of these Time-Tables may be had on
appro.

A charming companion volume to JOAQUS MILLKII'S \\ '<tl<
Walker in Xieamyua, is Hooper of Xebratka. by JOKI. K

ident-. This, h-.weM-r. i- all that N charged
,, r ,.] // .,,- / - '// ("irrlr. l.y .! \-l'KH

3oHEXK.ciM'\ lt"~-,.s. the eminent scientist of ,loiie-lx>roiigli,
fexa- :"iigh, it may IM- added, are

lie undulating character of the

jround and the structural a) "f ihe county lunatic

isylum. of which 1': .lefnrnan..

1. L'./. will pun!;.-- .1 nice copy of tl, ie of I>ry

Goods sold at ihe only store in \Yaltersl, nrg. an attractive
post hamlet in 1'ope County, 111., which contar two

boarding-houses, and a mill for the manufacture of stock i-
It i> up to every memlicr of 7V Ihmfa lfc>.k Club to
read this literary

MKIIY

Hooper, strange as it may appear, is not the name
of a man, but, as a reference to Lippineott't (l<n,n,;-i- \\.ll
conclunvdy prove, of a romantic village in Dodge County,
Nebraska. It lias four churches, two banks, and a butter
and cheen factory, and must not be confounded with Hooper,
a post village in \\.i.r County in Utah, which is noted for
iu manufacture of soap, lumber, marmalade, and moss. Mr.
Caorrn writes with infinite gusto, and his chapters are

>-d with a number of spirited skt-U-hes, rcprodu<
hektograph, of the leading citi/ens . f the netghbourhood.
The original price of his bobk was 50 uenle : it is now offered
.-.;,. ... r.-qg < : '. 7 10 v > retired Admiral
can be really happy without this top-hob work

Among these hooka, again, are some novels of transcendent

.:.--.' . ' '.' ' ' I " i

ANNALS OF PHYSICAL UKSKAHCH < N COMMoX-
1'LACK CiiNCLTTlnNS.

Tiur i VH MI ; ii I* > H.S."

THK lirst point in the resc-.irch was to di-termine whether a
watched | 'il under the influence of the naked

the example of another well-known physicist
1 inentioii ItAM.i.iiiii by naiiieV) 1 made use of simple
apparatus com)'o>i-d of COIIMMOII utensils.

1 p laced an ordinary kitchen saucepan containing '< !
of water at l.V(Ht C. a I >ove a gas burner and noted the time
token to reach 100 C. when ebullition r-hould set in.

1 watched the pot intently, and at the end of 18 inins. 48seca.
was astonished to see the water boil.

1 then considered the possibility of time aberration due to
various kinds of watching. 1 tabulate the time taken for
Killing in each case.

MANSKR OF WATCH i\<;. TIME tin. nuiimov

l>iiv.-tly 18 mins. 48 sees.

From concealed position 18 48

From tail of eye 18 48 ,,

The remarkable agreement of these times shows that the
luinner of watching is of no conse<|iic]:<

1 next determined the effects of different kinds of sight on
he phenomenon. Dealing first with defective Bi^'ht the
'ollowing results were obtained, other condition* being the
Kline as before :

KlM. i.K sliaiT. ElPERIMEHTEI. TlMl TILL Kill M 1 1 loS.

Long T. BOWLING, Esq., R.N. 1* mins. 48 sees.

Short MYOPIUS BARNACLE, Esq. 18 48

( angle of 30 \

Scjuint \ 45 V 18 48

I 60/

The next kinds of sight, though al.nonnal, cannot be
described as defective.

HKIUZIBAH

y AMOH SKIUMSHAXKS, and
Bottock. bv 'I'KUOKX MACIIIEBSO:

of a I'cnitfK
BiXOS; In a /Vu'tbura Sa

Ttu Kttlhauli

i 1 '\w.-. - ii all :' th. ni |.iil.li-h. d in America (it-

I abo) at ft*.
named for them by The Dimrt which makeanoi

: . i i '. !:- ^ i -:.! i

former readers of these masterpieces is

To obtain an absolutely first-class book of recent scientific

fr-r e.inie-t 1m

KlM' "t cli.HT.

loubli 'i^ht
l-'ar Mhl

Sight taken by gutter urchin, one hand

two hands

IAI-I IIIMLMKH. TIME in i umiimnv

TUI-H .MTvvisii, K-i|. ... IN mins. 48 sees.

\V(.|I1|.1V \\l-l MVN, |-.~,(... IS ,, IS

ia .. t>

1> .. is
"plant, .-how

Tlies* 1 n->uli>. which are extr.-mely
ih-tinilely that a watch" -d pot Ix.ils under all ordinary
ditions m contradiction to [K.pnlar idea, on this Mibject.

It is my duty to thank thox- gentlemen mentioned in this
r for the kind a^-istance tiiey have afforded me in the
experiment^ r orded.

Style in the Provinces.

" \Vii' i calleil he was well-dressed. He wore a

-ilk hat and leather leggings." Xeuxatlle Evening Chronicle.

FEBRUARY 6, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

TO THE AMERICAN GIRLS.

MY loves (to use a hackneyed phraae),
Whose charm provoked an instant
passion

In one who ever spent his days,
And not a little ready cash on

The'tribute proper to the sole address
Of loveliness ;

Whose arts inspired an easy llamr,
And primed a chest with mild elation,

When THEODORE (my Christian name)
Oozed from the western raihvaystation,

And lightly boarding the electric car,
Said "Here we arc ! "

There be poor fools, who hardly dare
To praise the form that Beauty'graces ;

Not so this bard, who, though his ban-
Has ceased to sprout except in places,

Still perpetrates the stickier kinds of

rhyme,
I'Yoni time to time.

sweet, as to the female breast,
The charms of cheap but transient
blouses ;

As to the soul with drought oppressed
The dream of imminent carouses ;

S\\i et . as a crevice in the explorer's pants,
To hungry ants ;

So sweet they loomed upon my sight,
Your easy ways, your natty figure,

Your sweet insouciance ; 1 was quite
(To turn a phrase) a finished nigger,

Ere I could mutter, Take, take, I pray,
Those lips away.

Mesdames, although 'twere hard to say
Of what rare charms the mistress

each is
Speaking collectively, I may

liefer to you as " perfect peaches,"
Whereon this love-bird pines (my heart,

be still)
To whet his bill.

It 's not your flow of pretty talk
That stamps you as the queen of
creatures,

Not that you wear the Gibson walk
And cultivate retrousse features,

It is why blow me (as the saying goes)
If THFX> knows !

It 's not the intellectual range
That leaves a paralysing frost on

The conversational small change
Of the inhabitants of Boston ;

Not that you look divine (as rumour

states)
On roller skates.

It is but there ! I 'd hate to tell

By what mysterious arts you tame us,

Not mine to probe the secret spell ;

^ That ever made you j ustly famous

For mopping up with sedulous agility
Our young nobility.

'.LET AULD ACQUAINTANCE

FORGOT.'

Solicitor (making a concession to his client in the matter ofi charges). " WEEL, SANDI, SEEING

I KENT YODR FAETHEB, I'LL HAKE IT SAX GUINEAS."

Sandy. " GDID SAKE, Mos ! I 'H GLAD TE DIDSA KEN GRANDFACTHEK ! "

Let others solve the point. Be mine
The poet 's more distracting pleasures.

Of California's maids divine
To sing the praise in artless measures,

Shall be the task of my declining years,
My pretty dears. ALGOL.

IRISH LIVE STOCK.

Tlie Irish Times, under the heading
of "Live Stock," prints the following
advertisements :

" Good Donkey for Sale, or in part exchange
for Pony, 12 hands. Briarly, Dundrum,
Dublin."

" Half Swiss Goat, very good, 30. Address,
K. 742 this office."

It will be observed that in the first of
these advertisements it is not stated
which part of the donkey is for exchange :
sresumably the ears and the bray.

As to the Half Swiss goat, we are
juzzled to know how it is purchasable
.t 30s. as " Live Stock." Possibly, how-
ver, the advertisement will be satisfac-

torily answered by the Connaughtman
of whom it is recorded :

" I wakes myself up in the mornin'
Wid a cannon I brought from the East,
Then I kills half a cow for my breakfast,
1 icfnrc milkin' the rest of the baste,
Lest the crayture should go to waste."

" We fear that the public for such a work aa
Die Verlcanfte Itraut is no more numerous than
was that which neglected The Barber of Bagdad
last summer and ignored Don Pasquale when
the Grand Opera Syndicate gave its monthly
revival." The Daily Telegraph.

WE fancy that the public which
ignored Don Pasquale was more nume-
rous than The Daily Telegraph thinks.
Quite a lot of Philistines in Haggereton
had never even heard of the thing.

NEW NAME FOB THE STRIKING MUSIC-
HALL ARTIST ES. The Scala-wags.

Motto for the Scala audience: "The
Pleasure we delight in physics Payne."

PUNCH, OB THB LONDON CH.MMVUM.

A FALSE ALARM.

S.-

AH i a T' <TUHL"

.tprir. "UUI, DEAt!

I'D XO IDEA IOC DACUBTEt HAD BAD SO HAST CHILI*. DgHM. "CHILDUS! I BI TAUCDl' Q'

THK FRUlTOnuTS.
\ f -id -crank hie recently announced that
(rait will aooa he the eole article of diet amouK
ctdtnnd people, meat being relegated (> " tli.
lower rlaeere and peraona t unimaginative
mind."]

LOM before the craft of canners
Had preserved the ox from fate,

1'iirtif* with superior manners

n beef and wild boar's pate :

As for HODGE (and here the feudal
System showed its latent flaw),

Beckoned a* a hopeless noodle,
Nuts sufficed to stay his jaw.

Culture changes with the period,
Yet we hardly dreamed her old

( {astronomical criteria 'd
in so severe a mould

Now, it stems, while ploughmen
Last until the tension hurts.

Fashion's more exclusive levels

1 |.

' ' '-

These tlioir undisputed wit

Ti> tli.- f.ict that peach and plum

Break th.-ir morning fast. ant ' '''""
Turn up stewed for pr.indium.

AiiihurH anil divines, whose fanri.-s

Hid them liruwsr on (Vrea* boons,
See in nutshells new romances,

STIIIMIIS in the stones of prunes :
Thus their ^t-nii indulging

Th.-y despise tin- pli-ln*. wli.. s-lmw
Less concern fur <-r.inial bulging

Than to cram the vuid below.

As for us, no claim to learning,

No regard for rank, <M
Floods of proletariat yearning

Timed to surge at 1 P.M. :
Though it prove a loutb-h station
i iiutimpetence to 1-1

ini.i^iliation
\Vait.-r. f.-ti-h that mutton < hop !

TIIK latest tiling to a\< \viil-

flock bed. According to Tie hic,t.

h.- llM-k of four of them iraf oxunined

iy t\\o experts, and found to contain
respect i\.l> ."., !!. \. and 'Jl' million

irgani-ni- i ,. i- gramme. We iiml.-r-
-tand that the Hack to the hind

ia making gn at ] .unoiig

! ,.| the or!,'aiii.-iiiM in the fourth

ilock. who s|M-ak in glowing term>-

1 the in; - that one

comes across in almost every gramme of
tin- first lied.

Invaluable for Flat Dwellers.
FBOM a Sale Adv.-rtiwment :

y be had on Mr. A -- -

irrhan 1'rinciple, in nhi.-h is i-

. .

Mr. I'tttirli aj-ilogizea to his rcad.-rs
for his inability to pr.-s.-nt them with
.mudgy |ihotngr;i|ih> of Mr. II
QLUeiOHB and the Kditor of The Daily
\lnil. in thin we'k's number. Mr. I .1 M-
-IM. it will be remembered, has not yet

- .| an a|"-lo^y from the Kd:'
The Mad for the wunpaign of vitupera-
tion which that paper carried on against
him at the time of the D'AscKXV case. It
would ha\.- II..M interesting at thih
moment to have been able to compare
tin- f. -:it urea of the two gentlemen.

ITNCH, OH TIIK LONDON CIIAI;IVAI;I. Fnaourc 6, L907.

SOCIALISM UNDER HATCHES.

CAPTAIN VON BUELOW. " WE 'VE SETTLED THE MUTINEERS, SIR ! "

ADMIRAL HOHENZOLLEKN. " GOOD ! THEN NOW WE CAN GO FULL SPEED AHEAD ! "

Fi:mii;AiiY 6, 1907.]

ITN'CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

103

OUR ARTIST IN SCOTLAND.

THE AWFUL HESDLT OF HIS VERT FIRST ATTEMPT TO BECOME A CCBLEB.

A FIRST IN MAUDES.

No one wishes success to Mr. CYRIL
MAUDE more heartily than I, and I was
quite delighted to sit in the most comfy
stall I have ever sat in on the first night
of " The Playhouse."

I was, however, just the least little bit
in the world dubious about my ability
to keep my good wishes and heartiness
as active as I should wish for four
hours or so, which I reckoned would
!>< the period of their exercise, since
the ordinary bill of the evening was
to be supplemented by the National
Anthem, an address written by Mr.
Sn\\v who is not apt to be as brief as
he is witty a duologue by Mr. and
Mrs. BoUBCHIER, and something unspeci-
tieil from Mr. THEE. One grows older
and a slave to habit, and although
dining an hour before the usual time
with mi chance of supper is a trifle
when duty calls, 1 was not absolutely
certain that it might not chill, ever so
slightly, the spirit of jollity. Mr. MAUDE
said himself, in the course of h is comic
speech, that he was not dying to play
Toddles, could in fact omit Toddles if it
interfered with the said speech, and
1 rather wish he had omitted it. I fear
I debated with myself the propriety of
singing the National Anthem at home

while I dressed, and arriving a bit late.
But then the next item might not be
Toddles but SHAW, and one doesn't hear
Madame CLARA BUTT sing the National
Anthem every day in the week.

So I went in good time and was glad.
She was in splendid voice, and sang
with a fervour that did one good.
Then followed The Drums of Oude, a
weird little play of the Indian Mutiny,
which would, I think, have been weirder
still if the English officers had been
made a little less conscious of the
theatrical possibilities of their situation.
And then rather a weird thing happened
to me. I was given an envelope, within
which was a bribe ? banknotes ?
chicken-sandwiches? No a list of the
aristocratic and distinguished people
present. Why I was given this list I do
not pretend to know. Was it to bid me
mind my manners and behave nicely in
such company? To make me humble
and reverent, or to bless the fate which
had preserved me for such a splendid
association ? I suppose the intention was
kind, but I felt quite abashed, until my
self-respect was restored by remarking
that I knew better than the writer how to
spell some of the names in question.

Mr. SHAW'S "address" came next. It
turned out to be a piece of rather child-
ish but very genial drollery, Mr. SHAW

for once sinking the wit in the kind-
hearted romp, so to say. It must have
been rather a difficult tiling for Mr. and
Mrs. MAUDE to do, since they had to
exaggerate a pretended nervousness
Mrs. MAUDK apologising for " CYRIL " and
so forth while all the time, given such
a sympathetic occasion, they can hardly
have helped feeling nervous in reality.
They did it delightfully. Then Toddles.
On the opening of a fine new theatre
with such a good-old-English-sounding
name as "The Playhouse," after the
National Anthem I should Lave thought
something other than an adaptation of a
second-rate French farce would have
been appropriate but I will not stray
into criticism. It was finely acted, and
Mr. and Mrs. BOURCHIER and Mr. TREE
were all that could be wished afterwards.
And so, still well-wishing and hearty,
one went away.

A word about the theatre itself. Mr.
DETJIAR BLOW has built Mr. MAUDE a very
pretty and sensibly arranged house. The
floor is all stalls, the widest and most
comfortable I have occupied, as I said,
except in a cathedral. I sat in one where
normally the pit would have been, and
was quite happy. Still, the stage did
seem a little distant. But the average
playgoer, I hope, is not a grumbling old
thing like RUE.

! 1

PUNCH. MI; TIIK LONDON H\I:I\ \i;i.

[FEBBt'AHV 0, 1907.

HENRY'S IDEA
or THE lYrra Kcjutr SmnciTK.

you know Pm?" HKXSY talked
me 000 morning. He asked it
earnestly, and I considered a long time

4 well enough to call hint Prra,"
I said at bet

\\ . 11 it ' an amazing thing," mid
HKHM re the fourth peraon I \ .

Mked. A hairdresser, a cabman, a waiter,
and now you. I go haphazard among
tbe profession*, eearching for friends of
!

Perhaps if you mentioned his oilier

Ilia other ? Oh, well, it's
KEJUMT, if you want to know. But we
always think of him an PETKB. !!
practically naks us tu on page 5. I g< '
about saying to myself, ' Would lYm:
like tkim OM would PEIEB -

I made one last effort.

" \VI,,, is h.-. and what's the book?"

HENIT took up a paper-covered volume,
and began to turn the pages.

very dull," ho said. "1
don't think Prmt \voulil like you at all.
The book in called (let on <t\-<i,-t mil, and
personally I rvad it by mistake, thinking
it might have a word or two by Jnaor
in it. Hut ax n matter of fact it lias
nothing to do with cricket at all. It V
all about Burcem in life; and what I
want to know is. Who in PETEU that he
abould talk ?

" Y<m n-iiM-iiiU-r how I have always
laid that Mr. Hoopeu was not n real
peraon at all, but just the embodiment
of an idea? Well, I'm lieginning to
think that it must be something the
aame with PETER. I fancy Pirmi will
turn out to Iw a syndicate ; anil a syndi-
cate formed by four perauua who really
eon talk about success. These, of courw.
are lire. SEJOKI, Lord AVEBTRT, Lord
N"Rtnn.iF>r. and Mr. ALGERNON AMU. A .
nnd I do tliink that, when four j-..ple
like that get together and write a mdly
helpful book, one abould stand respect-
fully by and listen to what they have to

"Yon ace, it is obvious that if there
really wm such a person aa PETKX
Kr.urr we should have heard of him by
this time. Human (whom nobody takes
any notice of) aars that there is such a
man, and that he's by way of li,.i;
r of Smith'* We*Uy. Of course I
feel anre that that's a vplendidl
awful thing to be; but I don't think n
man in that position would dare to write

Prabm

" For instance, on page S he says, ' You
moat get on or TOU win get out. I
hare not earned more this year than last
h stands to reason you have not got on.'
Now what I mean is that that would !
such jolly awkward reading for SMITH.

: fei-1 that he was in honour Umm
to give PETEE a rise or else to
mi out. mcouldn

leaving an alternative like that in tin
hands of an employer called SMITH.

" lleaidea, no man would go al>ut
asking the public to <-.dl liiln by hi.i
t 'hri-ti.ni name, and telling the jui
anecdotes of his lioyhood. J?nt it 's jn.-l
exactly what a Syndicate would do. Half
the success of the St. James's Restaurant
WDa due to tin- fact that it could IN
referred to knowingly as '.1 ilium's.
And in the same way 1 'MM: Ki \i:\. Ltd.
baa much more chance of selling tin
linn's Ifioks if it can ! known an<i
in a million homes as PrrKR. . . .

"My idea is that L.rd NoitmrM
]>lanne<l the book, and Mrs. SKIGEL
actually wrote it ; while Ix>rd AvKiiniY
and Mr. A-ni-s put in bits about
books nnd music, and so on. I i
instance, on jwige 101 there is a chapter
on The Food of <Srniu*, which jioints
out, among other things, that '.Mi-
DKUaoiIN never -an rl much for the
pleasures of the table. 1 but could 'live
for a week on a sausage and a loaf of
bread.' Now it is absurd to Ix'lieve
that one single man writing on the
- of smvess would introduce pad-
ding of that kind; but one can easily
picture Mr. A^lin-x, when one- 1 he had
U-en let into the Syndicate, insisting on
contributing his proper, if irrelevant,
share to the wit and wisdom that were
(lowing around. Again we are told that
'DBYDEX in his sixty-eighth year com-
mence! the translation of the l/i,nl,
his imt pleading production.' Ix>rd
NORTHCI.IKFK alone would never have
made Hiich a fact public ; l>ut with Lord
AVHU.RY joining the board after allot-
ment, who can wonder that literary criti-
cism came into its own again ? However,
even so < and notwithstanding the inclu-
sion of (Jry lummy in the Index undi-r
(irejit Men of Literature) AVKBUBY must
fiN-1 a pang of jealousy now and then
that A-lllos was given four pat
which to describe the Boyhood of Great
Musicians.

"If you look in the Index again you
will see that moat apace is given t..
V. and (.n the page

you are told that ' Little HtfOUOMm in
the same office w nh yon and shake hands
with you. 1 That i with the title i ;.-i
on or <'! nut') gives tin- clue to the
mind which planned the whole work.
With regard to the hand which wrote
ii. this is, aa I said. Mr-
There is no mistaking tin- style. All
through the book I was lookingaimc.n-ly
for the advertisement part at the end";
H was rather a shock wh.n I
realised that there were going to be
no pains and dizzineea that journey

nil.
"Of course there must have been

lix-n.-vsjun among the meml

the Syndicate ;is the i ..-in to

grow ; in fact I should regard the whole

thing as a compromise rather. I nn-an

-hould doubt if the four of them

MT in |*-rfect agreement as to
any whole chapter.

A- and then, though, one '
across a paragraph which seems as
though it may well n pn nt the views
of then all. Take this for instance
about HAIJ. CAISK :

'They did notice Unit U!..i.'l t)i>- pirrrinK
eyra s maw of human nuu-liinrnr <-M! .
ami ihrob, and tet tears or Uu^litrr )!
rippling in whatever pert of the world a i
lxx>k wn to be found.'

" I defy you to say whether it was the
proprietor of The l><iil</ Mail, the literary
naturalist, the home physician, or the
brother miffi-tir who insjiinil that.

"Of course the IkKik will Sell. There
are always plenty of jwople in the world
who like to be taken in hand and shouted
at. They will n ad the Ixxik, and they
will write to thank my dear I'KIKII. And
so, if there really isa paper called Xinitli'*
H IT/.-/I/ and an <i!itor of it called KKUIV.
that gentleman will be put to a lot of
trouble to explain alnmt the Syndicate
which is using his name. He will luve
a right to feel annoyed with I-onl Noiuit-
. Lord Araii'iiY, Mr. Asniox, and
Mrs. SKNJKI. He might almost bring an
action . . . ."

THK FOUNTAIN PKN.

THIS is the tale of what GWKS did,
< )f how half-a-crown she expended
Not far from the great church that WRKX
did,

Where her week's shopping GWEN now

and then did
With a friend (I don't know what the

friend did).
In that shop was a pen which pretended
But it hurts me to tell irlmt that pen did.
fhoagb at lir.-t I considered it splendid,
And wondered why all other men did

-e one of . . . don't \tc offended,
This is not an advertisement- (when did
You ever find I 'd condescended
To advertise things that are vended?)
MX motives yon "ve misapprehended
And my stoi \ \,,n >,, have extended . . .

'That / think it was time it was
ended! Hi,

" Ko SALE, a good doctor'

T. I'.', \\rckly.

TIIK great point for the would - Ix;
I'lirchaser to decide is whether the half-
liroiigham of a g'Hxl doctor is more
iseful than the whole brougham of a

!iad doctor.

i' title for the discussion on
annel Tunnel question: "The
I '-.re War."

FEBRUARY 6, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

105

A SECOND CHAMBER OF HORRORS.

Tin-: suggestion of Dr. A. R. WALLACE
in The Fortnightly Iteuiew that in a
reformed House of I^ords room should
be found for a number of eminent
writers bat created an extremely favour-
able impression in Fleet Street, as the
following letters abundantly show :

DEAR Sill, I think it will be generally
admitted that, if the principle embodied
in l>r. WALLACE'S striking article is
earned into practice, one writer, and one
only, should have an ex officio claim to
a scat in the House of Lords the Poet
Laureate. In support of this view there
is surely no reason why I should not
quote some chaste yet impassioned lines
which appeared many years ago in the
pages of Tlie National Rerieic:

Happy, thrice liuppy, is that State

\\ herein the Banl, arrayed in ermine,

Should, in the councils of the Great,
For ever and all time determine

\Vliy is the Pyrux called Jnpnii'n-n

lieloved by the divine Veronica.

I am, Sir, with profound respect,
Your obedient humble servant,

A. A.

DEAR Sm, It may interest you to hear
that the Committee of the Kumenides
Club which has recently been founded
for the purpose of furthering the cause
of Feminism has agreed on putting
forward the following list as represent-
ing the eight women who most deserve
peerages in their own right :

JOHN STRANGE WINTER.

Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD.

Miss MARIE IJXJYD.

Miss CHRISTABEL PANKHURST.

Mrs. ALEC TWEEDIE.

Mrs. ZANCIG.

Miss BlLLINGTON.

Madame CLARA BUTT.
Faithfully yours,

SARAH BIRTWHISTLE, Hon. Sec.

DEAR SIR, All will depend on what
is meant by a " man of letters." Per-
sonally I have no doubt whatever that
the epistolary form, especially when
addressed to the public prints, is the
highest expression of the human intel-
lect. Unfortunately I understand that
there is already a Lord ASHTON in the
House of Lords. Viscount WOKING,
however, has a euphonious ring about it.
Faithfully yours, A A".

DEAR Sm. Dr. WALLACE'S scheme for
the representation of literature in a
revised House of Lords is excellent so
far as it goes. But the process of
selection cannot be entrusted to an
artificial or a restricted electorate. In
a democratic age like ours there is only
one test of merit -that of circulation.
Applying this criterion 1 find that the
Editors of Bradshaw and Whitaker's
Almanack, Mr. HALL CAINE and Mr.

TAKING THE LIMELIGHT AT WESTMINSTER;

OB, THE LATEST Tiuxn IN MINISTERIAL CORYPHEES.

Signorinas Macnamara and McKenna "take the Boards" simultaneously (Loca Government
Board and Education BoarJ respectively). Prolonged applausa from tln'ir in. my admirers.

HOOKING are certain of their elevation.
The arguments by which it is sought to
push the claims of Mr. GEORGE MEREDI m,
Mr. THOMAS HARDY, Mr. SWINBURNE and
Mr. JOHN MORLEY are not worth the
considerious consideration of
Yours faithfully,

THE MAN IN THE STREET.

DEAR SIR, You may be glad to hear
that the result of the plebiscite of the
readers of T. P.'s Weekly has placed the
Editor easily at the head of the list of
literary men whom it is desirable to
elevate to the House of Lords, Mr.
WILLIAM LE QUEUX being a bad second,
closely pressed by Mr. MAX PEMBERTOX
and JKROMK K. JEROME. When the
necessary legal formalities have been
carried out, I have good authority for
stating tluit Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR will take
the title of Lord SLEWTHER of Blarney,
and Mr. MAX PEMBERTON that of Lord
CASSELLBOSSE. Yours faithfully,

MUNGO A. PATE.

The Hibernian Touch.
"Owixo to the severe frost, all the
Rugby matches were postponed in
England, Scotland and Wales on Satur
day, with the exception of the last Irish
International trial game at Dublin."

The Daily Telegraph.

The days at which Gillingham Town

Council dust carts call at various streets

have been notified by the Town Clerk

as follows :

" ON TUESDAY, TBCRSDAT, AXD SATURDAY

in the forenoon.

(Except Good Friday, Whit Monday, August
Bank Holiday, and Christmas Day)."

The coming L.C.C. Election.
WE understand that Mr. GEORGE ALEX-
ANDER, though standing as a Municipal
Reformer, is in favour of extending the
tram system down St. James's Street. If
this is true, Mr. CYRIL MAUDE will feel
compelled to withdraw his support from
his brother manager's candidature.

: I

PUNCH, OR Till- LONDON CH \KIV.\IM.

[FJ3BUART 0, 1907.

MOTOR-BUILDER.
THM is a story in sections ud this is
the -f Section.

' '

we an going to my. OHARU* waa not a
mpmrtt* Apart from a Might acquaint-
ance with the Vangoard No. 6 Sen-ice
he waa in no way connected with motor*.
He neither made, dcaigned, sold, cleaned,
painted nor repainted motor-care. Be did

the retailers of motor goggka or odor

marine work. Nevertheless CHARLES
christened it 7V,, ,,; t !,<niwl.

HOLES," we said, "the name is

.eanswered. I his shows
n how obstinate CHARLES was.

At whatever personal

venience to yourself it must be borne

profess to ma
small staff to

77i-

"'Hie manner of its working
plained CHARIER, "is as follow >, that i-
tosay :> innumerable furs and

BBiraandad with the necessary h,inl, in-
dt imrf.T you pi 'If in the seat

in mind that CkuBLB waa not a motorist.
All companies, firms or persons that

manufacture motors keep a
invent and a large staff
to execute motors. Tin- production of
motors is the appointed task of these
employ***, and. if they are satisfactory
employers, they do product- motors. We
ask you to note tin- You can please your-
- If whether you l>ear it in mind or not.
On the oilier liainl. neither HvRTEU-'s
nor any other Bank employs its rl. rk-
to invent or execute motors. The work
of the Hank clerk is to bank. There is
no obligation on him. express or implied,

or assist in producing motors.
Why then did Cium, a clerk in
OarteU's, aspire to fashion a motor?

The Setond S-.-/i,.n.

Bartell's Bank was much to blame in

the nutter. It in tin- reprehensible

habit of this firm to turn its ,|. rks loose

upon the world nt four oVWk in the

on. The Ical Manager should

at least have noticed a crooked tendency

in CHIBUB'S

nature and tr.-at.-d him
CHARLES might have been

retained permanently in the IVank build-
ings, the Bank recron]*-nsing itself 'for
all we care) by abstracting weekly a
substantial sum from CHARLES'S salary as
a nominal charge for CHARLES'S lodging.

Are we justified in ending our s-
at this point ? We think that we are,

The Third Stetim.

There was worse to follow. The Ikuik,
lv careless, became criminally
The clerks, CHARLES with
paid a week's salary and
ejected at one o'clock on Saturdays.
Anyone but a firm of hankers would
have foreseen the results of such conduct.
CHARua spent his spare time in the

confronted with the handle. Non-
clialantly (i.r. 'with a reckless smile'
you gra-p the handle and, when you
wish to start, yon pull the same. If tin-
car does not start (give it a minute or
two to make up it* mind you pull the
kindle again. If the car does not start
then, you decide that after all to-morrow
ld be more convenient.
Once started, sooner or later you will
want to stop. There is a strong possi-
bility of your doing so if you push the
handle (then- is only one handle). If
the handle luw Ix-cn pushed as far as it
will go and still the car does not stop,
you trust that the engines will have the
good sense to stop of their own accord.
i ithcrwisc you go on.

" In the" matter of direction, to go
forwards you raise the handle; to go
backwards you depress the handle.
( >nly crabs and idiots want to go side-
.iml this car is designed neither for
crabs nor for idiots. Finally, if you
want to remain as you are, you leave the
handle severely alone."

Shall we now go on to the sixth
section or would you prefer to sit it out ?

The Sixth Section.

" No, CHARLES," we said. " We have
even- confidence in you and areeonvim-ed
of the safety of your car. but yet. sueh an
illogical thing is the human disposition,
we shall not be there."

We were not there. That is a most
important fact and must not be forgotten.
Repeat it over and over again to your
thus : We were not there. We
were not there, W,
Was CHARLES there? CHARLES was
Were we there? We were not
then-. Therefor*

Thi* it CHARLES'S account of

U-ing. a- 1 have said, nineteen
count- that he", that hen look

the twentieth."

Thin i" tin- , ''''I ''.'/ ''"" 7 1 "**

ti.m flint t/v ni-li<> kii'nr <'llMMl> j.nl.
"Ah. the handle. l!y a remarkable and
unfortunate coincidem-e. the handle Lad

but a moment In-fore b-i-oi letached.

and at the li la\ l>"<- in my hand.

The l.i-t sn-lioii and the m.uii narra-
:,,! there, i , . at " hand." I'.ul
there remains this to IH' -.lid. Cil\l:IK-
aiid oiir-el\e> had the hen for lunch.
One hundred and \ pounds,

1 nvkon

two shillings and tin-
tin- bird ha- OOS< in,-, said t'l

It i- nice eating." wi- aliswn. d.
" but seems hardly worth the mi

designing of, and
materials for, a m

De Worfiiin nil ni'i hminm is an

. . . . . ....

Th* Fif* Section.

(D you

ihall h

on the excellent maxim, of which n
And observe. 1 .re thoroughly than I. Still.

Aufacture begins. * *" ''" "''" " '"''' There were
nineteen riitinu-s op.-u to that hen. any
f which would have -a\,-d Initji
f and ill- e tir-t

turn to the right ; the set-Diid, to turn to
. the tin: .in wher-

th. Hlth, sixth and

doubt I will at imce ocviir to vou. and for the

ful - - t. ik>- my word.

LOOK UN THIS ricn I:K.

Exi. ll-ll girl, divine, demure
(As Mr. DOBBOX somewhere < all-

For whose sw<vt -miles and glances pure
The amorous youths, liciicath your

thrall, sue,
You say that Chivalry is dead,

And that you loathe our ways of

wooing,

And fondly ask what cause has led
To our deplorable undoing.

1 answer : In the good old days

Our brave gallants would thrum

upon a
(initar, and sing their ladie-

.lu-t as a Spaniard lauds his IXinna ;
In ringing tones those courtly men

Would plead the old, ecstatic passion,
Hut oh. we lost our manners when

The serenade went out of fashion.

How sweel it must have liecn whet;

You madly lov.il, unbarred the shutter.
And wakened by your upper (!.

Ixiokul out and let her 'kerchief flutter;
Conceive the scene ; the window-sill ;

A delicately round. H! ell
The dainty face; the eyes that thrill ;

llclow her, an inuncn-ely swell beau.

And then, ben.-ath the evening star.

To prai-eher lips, her .-ys. her bright

hair.
And gladly siifTer the catarrh

Hrought on by singing in the night air!
Hut. Pinu.is. nowadays 1 fear.

That wen- there but the mild.-t May

dew,

You 'd tind no modern cavalier

Would ri-k a chill to -ep-nade you.

I'eri-hance. once more the ( lolden

Ma\ ,nd that on which my

Will be the fa-hionablc i

With thowwhoconstitutetheSmart Set

Till then the old (iregorian chant

Will -till >um up onr foppish danglers,
(1 '11 give its modeni variant I,

' t;,,l AngeU these but An^

FEBRUARY 6, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVAUI.

107

"CONFOUND vou BOYS! IF YOU COME BOUND TUB CORNER IT THAT PACE YOU OUGHT TO BING A BELL."
" \\'E 'YE JUST BUSO ONE ! "

1ESOP ON TOUR.

THERE was once a Second Act whereof the Scene was a
Howling Wilderness, in which the Heroine and her Blind
Father were painfully pottering about without even Hats
upon their devoted Heads; for the Villain, when he fore-
closed the Mortgage on the pretty Cottage with the Wicket
( !ate where they had resided in Act One, had sold everything
I iy Auction. The last few thousand miles had been a little
too much for the Heroine, and, dropping her Heavy Father
upon a Rock Right of Centre, she picturesquely measured
out her Grave upon another one Down Left, just as the Red
I.ime Sunset faded and the Stage became almost completely
dark. Then the two Lions that lived in the Howling Wilder-
ness were dimly seen running to and fro, sniffing ominously :
each Beast with an enormous Tuft tied to the end of his
Tail, so that lie Lx)ked like part of a Coat of Arms come
to life. And when the Audience heard the sniffs and saw
the waving Tufts they shuddered, doubting not that the poor
Outcasts were about to be eaten up before their very eyes ;
but just then the Hero, who happened to be taking a
Walk in the Desert, came along and fought with both Lions
at once, making as if to strangle them with their own
Collars as they leaped fiercely upon him. And after a terrific
Combat, the Lions lay down Dead at a word, and allowed
him to place a Virtuous and Victorious Foot upon their pros-
trate Bodies. The volume of Applause that greeted this
Tableau was such that, when the Curtain fell, somebody rang
it up again, supposing a Recall to be demanded ; whereupon
there was a momentary Apparition of a very merry Heroine

holding out two Dog-Biscuits, and two Lions sitting up in
front of her, wagging their Tufts prodigiously.

Mnnil. Never see more than you aro meant to see if you
can help it.

FROM CHILDREN'S CHAT, by "Grandma," in The Times of
Natal :

" I want you, my dears, to write mo a short snake story, KOMtluM
that really hap|>ened to someone you know ; and if you can tell uie of
a child being really bitten I shall be glad to hear about it."

Truly it is said that a child's best friend is his grandma.

Beading Without Tears.

"Just after leaving Godolphin vicarage on Thursday, the
horse Dr. F. Cnowx, of Townsend, was shaking, and was
able to resume his practice on riding slipped on the frozen
road and fell, slightly injuring itself. Dr. Cnowx escaped
with a little Sunday." TJie Carnishman.

Too Clever by Half.

THE remarkable unanimity of really great minds has often
been noticed. Regard, for instance, these two quotations
from SHAKSPEAHE and The Manchester Guardian respectively :
" Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well

When our deep plots do pall." Shaktpeaw,

" Special police have been inquiring; diligently into U>e outrages, but
the culprit has managed to elude them. Mare ordinary police have
been gciit into the district." Manchester Guardian.

: -

ITV II. MI; Mil: LONDON < ll\i:l\ AIM.

1907.

OUR
(l%1fr.ru

II..W

of tears bel

Within it* po

BOOKING-OFFICE.
safe's Staff of Leaned Clerk*.)
rmdod their way through this
an. BLACK issued yearly

The rot-nit
er,

- lal> r is.

|e.| I ion of writi: -ingly

link' tli'- "'her day Ir>l 3
I thought he attained the maximum of use
which." Sir - <> the

still pursuing
contained an

useful information, mriking in it* range

"3 of the odion* won! 'which." Sir - MI the

!.eing

1 K . . ,.f triumph he throws in " ands "

, ,, ; 1 "buts" with lavish' hand. To vary an old saying, if

and variety. It

"Kiits." and "ands" wen- | -'I- and

an epitome in the number of |*-n- SreiTCER "W M n -\ ( would leave no plavtime for the tinker.

an extension of all Court ( in idea, Red Books, and Uie like.
Biography is m-Kninl w perhaps the roost fascinating
.tun- Here be biographic* in abundai

in bulk, the volume has shed a |.<m. n of in nove

<:<**lfrUotF (M.v\iiii\N, is jirohalily a lir~'
l writing. It i- di'ei'li'dly amateurish.

.ppears in separate fonu under the title. ,s la,d in the town ..t ny
TkeWka'e Wh fSfBeak. It contains u multiplicity of -me. Mr-. WATSON admits that for

miscellaneous informatkw concerning the permnnel of public historic

- .','.'
The House of (Amur*
catalogued in the alpha!
list of boroughs and counties,
t lie names of Members f
ing. A more convenient form
would be to give the names of
Members first.

the title, red and
[tween,

The pictured covers, and 1-
A soldier storv from the pen
Of Mr. MAXYOLE Fan.

Surely was here the very tiling
To carry autumn back to

spring ;
" I will renew my youth," 1

said ...
But no, the past is dead !

The stories I delighted in
Wen one uproarious deafen-
ing din;

No gentle convene filled them
Nothing below a about.

But hoys are now, it

under' tlu- t'itl,-". i* laid in the town of I'lyn.outh Dodt in the y, . hen

m IMS
details .she is

SlroHijrr to Uu Country. " LIT ME str. Tills MCBT BE THE HIM.

\N ith far more talk than in- TWICT TOU. ME ASOOT, WITH THE FLOODED IVE IT THE SOTTOM ! "

inilclited I" many lxiks. old and
modern. These. ha\.

her with a sufficiently
pictnre-'|iie background. Hut

tin- figures moving through
ihe story nvall in their inialily
.if wotxli'iiness the structure
of another famous naval per-
. to wit the little mid-
-hipinaii who ser\ed a>

i for the shop door of

'i <'nttlf'it frieii'i

oifl.

Al.rilos-i-( 'ol til VM'i i:. when he
wrote

His latest novel (Ul

made,

Wisely enough, a mental note

( >f certain <li<-t<i of his trade ;

A- l/'ve is lilind to coming

car
When man is wed his WOC8

liegin ;
N'one lint the l.r.ix.

the fair;
And 111-
man win.

Taking for plot the recipe
Two nien.oneniaid a good
stock lit

A mixture which, as like as not,
I ahould have banned as " rot"

Still. Messrs. CBAMBOS publish it,
And doubtless they know what is fit ;
' perchance may demonstrate
That I am oat of date.

Kudiei in Biography (FusBtt Uxwis) wereorigin.illy contri-

boled bv Sir Srexoai Wtl > l>i,r,jl, /.'. .;, -. '/'//.

Quartfrlti. and the now defunct .V. leading them

in a portly volume designed fur the lil .- not (|iiite

sure whether they had n< beao ! ft < K-ixjaein

theduistersof barkn Doubtless, when first pub]

ApropMof tome book or event of the day |.|.li<-d

.-ting if UK! iiiHpiriting n-;i'i > The M-tting forth of

nil baked HH-. reata

i incholy rather than excite appetit- - MI W

i- at hi-

fingrr ends all facU prrtiinink- !

does not seem to have any new thing t,, t-ll. any fn-h light
to throw on more or less famil -. Me ;

more accurate than was Mt< M i.u w< rking in a nimilai

lie plans, with rustic scenery .

A fairly pa.ssalile de.-ign :
< >ne swain conducts the maid to church,

And when the other heaves in sight
She leave> her husband in the lurch

Which, frankly, serv.-s the fellow right.

The tale, in short, j. . way,

Scenting the lini>h from afar;
Promising, stmight cut. ch-ar as day

Except in mie particular
Called Tin' .Sn-/-;/i.v. and I

II. r . din vain the pl>t

To Imd who s;n ritiei'd. and why.

Where, how, and when, to whom, and what.

Literary Notes.

We. gather, from a preliminary pnfT >.i two. that a well-
known writer i- liringing out a K-ik entitle<l Sm/i/.-r 1 . No

doillit it will ! issue<l in Voli:

immi^liate piililieation. a novel of I/.i.d >n life, with

strong r.-ali,tie intep-st : Tin- IH'iii'l I '.' '",

13, 1007.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

109

ON FLATS.

Ai iiioiT.ii the sanitary arrangements
are always di scribed as being "up-to-
date," it is just as well to iiml out what
date 1 is referred to.

An- you surprised that all your win-
dows are overlooked l>y neighbours?
Thai 's nothing! Heaps of little tilings
have ln'cii overlooki d by the landlord
himself.

Take the " ISest Bedroom." Of course
no doubt it is the best . . .
of the three. "Best" is,
after all, only a relative
lam.

We doubt, however,
whether this is the expres-
sion you will make use <>l.
if you ever eonie to sleep
in it. If you should, please
remember that the neigh-
bours can hear every word.

The "Dining Boom"
(excuse a smile !) has this
advantage. By standing
in the middle of the room
you can put all the pictures
straight without moving.
As you will have to do
this every time a District
Train passes, this is an
advantage.

It is, however, the only
one.

The " Drawing Room "
is no doubt so called be-
cause it has a beautiful
north light which, we
believe, artists find indis-
pensable.

And just look at the
tiles in the fireplace . . .
No, you are quite right to
restrain your feelings ; this
is a family paper.

The " Hall," yon will ob-
serve, is one of those long
thin halls so fashionable
in r'latland. We ourselves
should have called it a
passage.

It is lighted by a "bor-
rowed light " which might
just as well be returned
to the person who lent
it for all the good it is
doing.

Ah! the "Bathroom." Very small
you say ? Wait a bit ; shut the door . . .
so. Now yon see there is plenty
of room to get into the bath, if you
don't have a chair or a towel in the
room.

The " Kitchen " is nice. See how
thoughtfully they have put the window
opposite the range, so that the cook
shall not have the glare in her eyes
when she is stirring the soup !

What's that you say? You have

found a pog'ttieely dcllijlilful coal-cup-
board which makes up for everything,
as so few flats have any accommodation
for coal ?

One minute please ! Do you really
think that it is a coal-cnplxiard ?

Look ! what are those three pegs for?

Do people put pegs in coal-cupboards ?

we tell you what it is? Very!
well then .... That, Madam, we beg '
most humbly to inform you, HUT is the
"Servant's Bedroom" !

And he blew on his fist and hissed,
And he cocked his eye awry.

He eyed McBitmi: in his pride,

As he shred the shag in his Ixiwl,

And he lurched to his side, astride,
To talk with a hero-soul.

'' Kadi rip of a nx-k," said he,
And he handed Mirk a light,

" T.I old Kilkae and the sea,-

You know it by day and night ? "

The pilot shaded the

light,
And he puffed till the

bowl was red :
" By day and by night

you 're right -
Teetotal or tight," he
said.

There came a knock and

a shock,
And the passengers

rushed from bed :
"Ay, every rock o' the

flock:

We 're on wan o' thim
now," he said.

INSTEAD OF GOINO TO THE EXPENSE OF INSURING TOUR DOMESTIC, wirr

ADOPT THE ABOVE PRECAUTIONS DURING THE ASCENT OF MARY ANN WITH THE
COAI.S ?

THE PILOT OF THE SHANNON.
THE mighty MICKY McBmnE

Was vrorking her out to sea :
Pride of the Shannon-side,

And prince of the pilots, he.

There came a little chap
Of the peery-query school,

With his ears in the flap of his cap,
And an eyeglass and a stool.

He looked at the rising mist,

And he looked at the lowering sky, she at home?

AN ARITHMETIC PAPER.

i. MR. THOMAS Bitmvx-
KIGO, who keeps a china and
crockery shop, has I'll'.i
pieces upon his shelves.
A lady calls in the morn-
ing and buys two vases, a
boy calls in the afternoon
and buys a penny mug,
and a bull, passing down
the street, calls in the
evening. Mr. BKOWM:H;<;
is wearing a red waist coal.
State how many pieces of
crockery are in Mr. BIIONVN-
HIIJG'S shop at closing time.

It. An Englishman, an
Irishman, and a Scotch-
man come to a ferry on
a cold day in mid-winter.
The fern-man states that
he can only take one pas-
nger across at a time,
T and that owing to tin-
severity of the weather his
charge will lx> sixpence
instead of threepence. The Englishman
! demurs, but finally pays and goes over ;
the Irishman demure also, but finally
; also goes over.

In how many strokes did the Scotch-
! man swim across ?

jn.Miss TABITHA TIMMIKS is half a
mile from home at 6.12 P.M. At 6.18,
when she is a quarter of a mile from
home, she sees a mouse.
How many seconds before 6.20 was

VOL. CIXXII.

110

PUNCH, OR THE l.nM>oN_CHAIM\ \RL_ [Farom 13. 1907.

NATURE STUDIES.

: r . M

I sun no liking for docks at any time : that is to K
docks that go. So long M they are content to b.
oraamenu I cmn tolerate them, but I hate to MO the irrevocable
miontei slip away under their hands or to bear them announce
in their brawl voices the death of the hour*. But of all clocks
the, bedroom dock the most detestable, for it adds to its
ordinary irritation* the capacity to keep a man awake by its
infamous ticking and its ruthless pedantical striking.

In the pfM**- of this particular clock, however, I had no
option, for it stood on the mantelpiece of a bedroom which
had been assigned to me in a seaside hotel It was an honour-
able room, lor it had once been a sitting-room, and amongst
Uw relics of its former splendour it still retained this mauao-
leoxn of black marble which did duty as a time-piece. Nothing
more ponderous and gigantic could well be conceived.
was as solid as the British constitution, and, apparently, as
immovable as a well-fed Archbishop. It seemed, when first
iw it, to add an air of traditional comfort and dignified
repose to the apartment in which my nights were to be passed.

When the moment for turning in had arrived, I slipped
luxuriously into an acre of bed and began to compose myself
to sleep. It was then that I first noticed the ticking of the
dock. I had entered my bed on the side nearest to the fire-
place (where, by the way, a cheerful fire was burning), but
under the stress of this regulated din I soon moved away
until I found myself lying on the extreme edge close to the
door. It was in vain. The ticking which had been BO
gentle in the daytime now sounded like n-iter.it.-l strokes of
doom. I began to doubt my powers of sleep. Perhaps if 1
wound my shert tightly round my ears but before I could
do this the clock committed an enormous imprudence: it
set to work and struck eleven. Hig Ben was a baby to it.
Boom ! Boo-oom ! ! At the third stroke I was out of bed,
and the clock and I faced one another prepared for a desperate
conflict.

Of coarse I had determined to stop it. Its weight and
the height at which it stood made the operation difficult, but
I was not in the mood for being stayed by difficulties, and I
made up my mind at all costs to get at its back, where,' I
judged, I should find a lid that would give me access to its
pendulum. First I tried to draw it bodily towards me, but
it resisted successfully. I then seized one side of it, and by
the application of great strength managed to return the
penny, or rather to dislodge the clix-k. Slowly and reluctantly
and with a horrid scraping noise of marble on wood it pivoted
and came away in my hands until I had got it to an angle ol
!" I saw the lid, but it opened the wrong way, and I had to
pull the dock still further Defore I could lay open its works.
At last I did it, and then, cautiously inserting an eager finger,
tapped the pendulum. Five minutes for refreshments.

Of course I couldn't leave the dock in this absurd position.
The chambermaid would bare spotted it on the followii
morning ; she would have suspected me of having committ

complicated tort upon the furniture, and in any case
the dock would have been set going again. I was compelled,
to move it back. I began with great care, but th.

i thing stuck so obstinately that at last I pressed too
hard ; it jerked and jolted, and tick ! \i< k ! there it was
once more in full blast. Knd of round two, with n

.. -

this time my legs were scorching, and I was in n
profuse state of perspiration. To save my legs I girt mysell
with the bed-cover round my waist and came up to the scratd
again. Rounds three and four need not be described at any
length, for they wen an exact repetition of rounds one and
two. The clock had now got its back against the wall and
in order to mark its triumph, had struck the quarter after

n in the manner of a catln-lr.il. What was to l>e done?
If I could somehow stop tin' pendulum without shifting the
i would incline its top over until the
.ilium wa- up again-! the Works and Mopped,

m ,l , dd slowly allow the clcx-k to settle back again.

So sooner thought than done. I took hold of the top and
with a mighty mn-cular effort inclined it over, d
3ing!! Boom!!! The pendulum dropped off iu hinge.
and the clock began to tick violently nt t 1 i ate of a million
o the minute. The hands went I ravelling with a vi-ible
celerity over its face. In a In . of I would stiike

;welve, and so goon striking with hr.rdly an interval all i
through.

I shall not relit.- in detail how I moved it again; how I
opened its infernal lid ; how a hole was Ringed in the Ix-d-
cover; how I fished in the d<x-k's entrails and found and
replaced the pendulum (for by no human power could I
:he curtailed hinge from ticking away the night); and how
[ finally triumphed over it, not without tears and silent
execrations. On the following morning the clock-man
on his weekly round to regulate the hotel clocks. At mid-
day my clock was going again. There was nothing for it.
[ changed my room.

THE CONSTANT LOVERS; OR.T1IK ACK TO MAIMiY.

["A woman of Stevenage, HerU, aged serrnty-aix, ia g<>
Australia to marry her old lover, whom she last loot trace of fifty
ago. Since their separation the woman hag been married three
and the man four.' l>nily < 'hroniclf.]

She.
THROUGH all the long years that hare passed since you

courted me
Fifty long years, to confess to the truth

uit affevtion alone has supported me,

Love for the lad who was king of my youth.

True, since we parted my name has kept altering,

Orange lias frequently bloomed on my brow,
But while on my lips the coy " Teases " were faltering,
I was adoring thee then, love, as now.
No girlish passion mine,

blustering fusee
Which flares a bit when it is lit

And then goes 0-U-T.
A passion more divine

Within this bosom rages ;
The furnace hot which dwindles not
Is only ripe old a.

Hi.

While you. little lovebird, wen- Tom Hick and Harrying,

W.-n-l by the swains in the land of your birth,
I, like yourself, was persistently marrying
Far. far away at the ends of the earth.

-pile of appearances, dear, of a surety
Still to my earliest love 1 wa- true,
And now my fond he-art in tin' bloom of maturity
Beats more than ever, 1* 'loved, for you.

No boyish passion mine, etc.

'hrr.
The poets may prate - and then' always are plenty, dear,

Ready to harp on that elderly string
Of passionate youth and divine sweet-and twenty, dear

I have no patience with that sort of thing.
Your lajwesand lads lose their hearts all too readily ;

l.ve is a passion for women and men ;
Then here V to the llame that has lenrnt to burn steadily !

Love isn't love till you >. t md ten.

mine, etc.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRCAHY 13, 1907.

THE MAMMOTH DIN CITY.

FEBRUARY 13, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

113

THE EXTREME PENALTY.

She. "WHAT DO you THINK OF HIS EXECUTION?'

lie. " I 'M IN FAVODE OF IT."

BURNS TRANSLATED.

DEAR MR. PUNCH, The immortal name of ROBERT BURNS
has been so much in everybody's mouth of late that I venture
to call attention (through the medium of your columns) to my
forthcoming translation of the great Scots poet. As doubtless
you have noticed, previous editions of his works have been
published in the original tongue in which they were written ;
and although in most cases a Scots-English Dictionary has
been superadded, yet to a busy man the business of looking
up each word separately, and of working out a translation for
liimself, must have been an unduly laborious one.

In my translations I have endeavoured throughout to
render the thoughts of BURNS in all the directness and
simplicity of their original diction ; and if, to accomplish this,
1 have been compelled occasionally to sacrifice the lilt and
musical sweetness of the immortal ploughman's verse, yet a
little reflection will show that some such sacrifice was
inevitable. Rhyme and reason seldom go together, and, in
the interests of humanity, 1 have thought it best to preserve
the reason at the loss of a rhyme or two ; for, in the works of
a master, the substance is ever preferable to the shadow.

But perhaps this is better shown by means of an example ;
and I am therefore taking the liberty of enclosing a specimen
translation, which, 1 trust, you will put before your readers.
I am ; &c., ANGUS McJoxES.

AULD LAKCI SYNE.

i.
It would be a most improper proceeding to cancel the claims

of antique friendship ;
And to refrain from remembering them;

That is why we ask if such connections should be foregone,
Together with the days that were a long while since ?

Ghana.

A long while ago, iny dear,

In other days ;
We will partake of.the proffered refreslunent

For the sake of the past.

it.
Each of us has run all over the place

And gone daisy-picking ;
But we have become dead-dog-tired

Since those days. [Chorus as before.

We have gone paddling by the sad sea waves from shortly
after breakfast until the boarding-house gong has
sounded for luncheon,

But you have been dwelling in another parish since then.

[L'horus as before.

IV.

Still, considering all things, I offer you my hand,

If you will condescend to extend your digits towards me ;
And, if we have sufficient wealth l)etween us to account for
the diversion, we will just have twopenny worth more,
to be shared in equal parts,
For the sake of the days tliat have been.

Chorus.
A long while ago, my dear,

In other days ;
We will partake of the proffered refreshment

For the sake of the past.

114

A TRAP
MM. Pranrt

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13 > 1907 '

FOR COUNTRY MICE.

A:.

out.

Lcr as bef

,.it it i-

Sw^Sne^ettyact ,hm K h,n driver to ad^nce the vehicle

Bsultwas that all the hand, .1 few yards along the kerbat one d tl"'
For a while the greatest regular atoppuw phoe,ed to.
Drerailed, as it was feared 1. " f tl ' firet

that a money P famine would ewue.but dutie, of the ^fr?*^*?**
by a brilliant inspiration the manage-
ment, acting in co-operation with the
police (who notoriously know

the

,t tin- Mint wai to i.n.\i-l.-
with tin- UTS* commiui'l " lr-nii>."

, for a
ental

in, and every
fully Marched on Wring.
impossible to eeenle a few
(such M half -sovereigns,
threepenny biu) under the t
special fimrisl. with an "i/w
diploma, is there far no other purpose
tnsn to fail such ingenuity

The first room that one enters, after trade.
hiring all one's pocket*
sewn up and receptacles
moored, is the metal
room. Here are huge
rats of nebed gold and
silver and hrooe. In
the next room is the
alloy, far if pure metal
- . -
would be so soft that
people might take them

In the next room are
the moulds into which
the metal is poured.
In the next the coins
are milled, a large staff
1.1 pugilists being
retained for this pur-
pose. This room is
known as The Floss. A
notice orer the door
ears, " Threepenny biu
not admitted." This
trfuMl to allow three-
penny biu to be milled
led some yean ago to a

part. But although they got
TAJTJCKS to spnsr for them, it

nt uldresM of all the leading criminals).
..rsuaded a number of the most expert
.tier* iii London and the provinces
. lend their services. In spif "f ,1,
ins terminal picketa these brave fellows
were at their pasta regularly every
day, and thus the difficulty was
over until KOTS came to their

senses. Hie snidesmen tin n returned
to their dens and resumed their proper

OCR UXTIUVnvoltTHY ARTI.fT IS I.<>N1><>V.
Vurrots ua oomocno ruiooan HIE MIM

Dr.

The chief of the Millers, from hi*
Ikphistophelean appearance, is known s. j* 1 .. 1 *""*-
Oocrn. Picture postcards of him, with '
his head on Mr. Justice DAKUVO'S body,
may be bought at the door. lie lives
entirely on crime it atsntfc* ; he wean a
white hat (far obvious reasons); and
doesn't care a Dae.

CHUTES XXVII.
Mint Nickname*.

All the official* of the Mint hare their
Thus the Governor is known
i LAMB," and the head of the
Shilling Department, " Boas."

Cum* XXVUI.
Other Coinage*.
Money is not the only thing coined at

him

XXIX.

nati.

Several desperate ntt.-m|.t.s hav.- l-t-ii
made on the Mint, Imt umi.- hav. been
successful. The latest is our <>uu.

SIIAKSI'KAKK CLAKIFlKh.

SHAKSPBARB was, of course, tin-
of A This explains, and i

certain extent excuses.

many uliM-uritit-s in his
].|;i\s. To tin- l.-arii.-<l
M-holiaM ami romiiifii
tatora who hare habitu-
ally misunderstood tins
great man, these notes
are cheerfully dedicated.

"UtMloi occupation's
gone!"

What teat his occupa-
tion? Some have sug-
gested, from his colour.
that he ran a Moor
and Burgess touring
minstrel company, Imt
tin-re are grave objec-
tions to this view. Moor
granted, who was
Burgess ? No !

Othello typified the
country-house Smart S-t

man of SlIAKSPEABE's

(lay.

" Itude am I in my

speech" gives the clue

to his character at <>m-c.
" Were it my cue to fight, I should
bare known it without a prompter "
shows clearly tliat he was experienced
in country-house t! A hint

as to his restaurant m -I.- of life i> ^iv<-n
by "I shall not dine at limc," while
the most com-lusive j.r. . .f of all comes in
the last Act. Othello smotherc-l Itetde-
mona in a pillow-fight !

Ourm XXVI.
Tkt Gnat Strike.

i the mastiff, who is

the Mint. It may not be generally known
I that phrases are coined there too. Three

.- : .: '.;.;

where some of the ablest of Fleet Street's
young brains meet three r f mr times a

ge. All the

to bit* the coins to see if they
an good. This reminds as tost the
most interesting chapter in the history

of the Mint was the great strike of 1873. long been opened, tmt it has been
owing to the high-handed conduct of to be of the greatest sen-ice. All kinds

.-..- .
best new words and locution* are in-
rented here. This department has not

high-handed conduct of to be of the greatest service,
official, who fined one of of people resort to it for

ll'/io did Sh<il;*peare give Hohtmia a tea-
eoa* in the "Winter* Tale "f

This has been j.nt down to sheer

..How critics, to miss the

obvious symbolism of it! Ar not all

Bohemians waiting for their Hhii>s to

reach shore?

(To be continued.)

" Lady reconuuendn L'./. ur single as in .

Scotsman.

Mr. I'unch modestly recommends 3d.

FEBRUARY 13, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

115

TO A SEAGULL

CHILD of the air's illimitable zone,

Thou spirit daughter of the BOS, and

sky,
full many a bard has ta'en thee for_his

own,
And so, of course, do I.

In thee the winged symbol of Romance,
The finer spirit panting to be free,

Sees what, if only given half a chance,
He might aspire to be.

A soul ethereal, pining to discard
All earthly ties and live at Nature's

beck- -
And that, if I may say so, 's where the

bard
Is talking through his neck.

Thou to the baser, more material mind
Art but a wildfowl, and as such endued

By kindly Nature with an unrefined
But lively lust for food.

Nor artthou such a thingas I should deem
Could lend enchantment to a poet's
views ;

More cogent reasons urge thee as a theme
For ALGOL'S tragic Muse.

when, my bosom bound in triple brass.
I lay on deck, a prey to fierce unrest,

What time, a sailor, I designed to pass
The Channel's foaming crest,

Thine was the voice invoked mine ears,

above
'I'h i- throb of engines and the tempest's

breath,

As I lay prone, and more than half in love
With easeful death.

Thine was the genial but derisive yell
That jeered at me as, striving all in vain

To look as if I hadn't been unwell,
I crept on land again.

And later, tossing in a restless sleep
Born of the swaying of the Paris Mail,

1 frit anew the terrors of the deep,
And heard thy mocking wail.

Once more (in dreams) I strewed that

leeward bench,
The helpless plaything of the raging

blast,
Keeling convinced that each internal

wrench
Would surely be my last.

And now I never stroll upon the beach
And watch thee soaring blithely over-
head ;
Or pause on London Bridge and hear

thee screech
For casual doles of bread,

But poignant memory conjures up anew
That sickening hour when I essayed to
brave,

With ignominious results, the blue
And oh ! so restless wave ! ALGOL.

Waitress (handing stodgy-looking steak). " AND WHAT WILL TOO HAVE TO FOLLOW, SIB?"
American Customer. " INDIGESTION, I GUESS ! "

THE USELESS WILES RESTAURANT.

[With apologies to the enterprising pro-
gramme of another restaurant of similar name.]

Ideal Luncheon Menu for Is. Qd.

Ape-nuts Soup.

Mussels.
Anterior Deltoid of Cabbage

with Proteid Sauce.

Plasmon Chops and Samson Tyres.

A deep Breath.

Sandowiches.

Programme of Lectures, social afternoons.
'Every Friday :

Scullery Demonstration, of 5 courses.
(Chutney to Shortcake.)

Every other Friday : Lectures.

C. B. FRY on " Cocoa and Concen-
tration."

HYGIENE SANT on " Toning and Develop-
ing," ,
followed by a Hypo Bath.

W. T. STEAD on " Posing."
SMACKENHIT on " Wrestle's Milk."
EUSTACE MILES, ) on " Sterno-Cleido-Mas-

M.A. J toids I have met."

WILLIAM SIKES on " Shoplifting."

Notes may be taken and no questions
asked.

" Saturday was vanishing day at the Royal
Hibernian Academy." Cork Constitution.

VANISHING Day in England starts
directly after Sending-in Day, and con-
tinues for some weeks. No doubt it is
the same in Ireland.

"The Marquis DE SOVERAL is one of the
best dressed men in Society. He does not
play Bridge, but his ready wit makes up for
the deficiency." Taller.

THIS is unlike most people, who are
not readily witty, but make up for it
by playing Bridge.

1 I

1TM II. MI; nil-: I.MMM.N ( H.MilVMM.

I FEW.

MY SAD NOVEL.

Ii I had had any notion how my character* would h.ive
behaved they should never have come to th.it delightful
country-boose p., Hut 1 thought CUNUOB

lark, quei :

L. .

SOB MALTUTns (blond* she-villain) m rusted any-

where. However, after that evening at Bridge t -n j-.m, 1
pointa and trn tltnuamnd pounda on the rubber I had
induced fnf.i'.n to meet Lord Yltuxox i.; in the billiard
room. '- id ordered to be asleep under the table and

to wake up just in time to see tbe wicked peer give CLOOAGH
a cheque. Then be waa to emerge and demand an
nation, which the proud CUXUOH would refuse. Tim
at the beginning there was a beautiful misunderstanding
(Of course in Chapter 40 it would be explained that Lord
Viujwax-w was merely paying hia annual subscription to

. . M '-' S'H g could been

simpler than tbe hero's words- " CLODAOH, what mean-

l<i you take money from this unpriuripl<<d reprobate?"
Would you believe that instead that wretched Yr, M
tea halves!"

.UN. 1 utnonatrated, "at tbe very outset of th
yon have made yourself unsympathetic. The Tim:
Club will never send an emissary disguised as an Indian
Raja to get fifty copies of your adventures at wholesale
price. A few more indiscretions of this kind. Sir, and 1
cast yon into an inebriates' home for the rest of the n<

However there waa still hope. I hid ('i-ov-ii behind a
palm in the conservatory. lie fore her very eyes VIVIAN
embraced Lady SUB MALTRAVEM and exclaimed, " I have
always loved you dearly. Si ," (In Chapter 1 1 1 would have
shown that Lady Si i: hud untruthfully told Vims th.it she
waa his sister by hia father's first wife) When ('U.HM.H
heard this declaration she waa to denounce VIVIAX as a base
deceiver. Instead tbe humorous Hide wretch remarked,
"When you've quite finished kidding the old girl, Ymr,
you might take me down to am

OW;H," 1 exclaimed, "you are ruining my plot by
your malice. Will Mr. Hoorca pose as the hood o'f an Ice-
landic Free Library to get copies of your adventures at thirty
percent, discount? Be very careful. <>r you sliall be thrown
from a motor and lose your "fat.d U .or

There waa just an atom of hope left. Lady SUB was to
open a parcrl by mistake which was addressed to VIVIAN, and
seven pounda of morphia were to be scattered on the
breakfast table. In ' i r ti> it would 1- d.-scrilied
Lord VILULVOHBT lud induced Vivux to order Urn for him,
as bin rluiiiitt n-fiiMxl fimher cn-dil. The falling of the
morphia was CI/XIJUJB'H cw. In a Ix-.iutiful
sperrh ulie was to donoumv Vims a* u mi~-r.il.le. cnen.it. -I
morphicmwaiac and cant him off forever. Would \ .. |.. 1,. ...
that the dni-ilful hnmy ex, -Lium-l. " I wish um'd 1. nd ,,,.
yonrli>| :VIB. Mine's broken."

I mid angrily, " 1 can i no hjnger.

You shall be married in the next .ud I l,..pe, your

husband will beat you. IX> vou think Mr. Hoonoi will
pwt on green spectacles and Use whiskers to get copies
of aoch life and crimes as yours on the cheap ?")

Still. 1 felt the marriage would make up for much. I had
such a lovely description of bride and bridesmaids' dresses
I had copied from The Lady. Anyhow, tbe novel would
be certain of a fine circulation amongst dressmaker-
thoa wretched characters threw me over once more.

and GunuM alipped out and were married at a registry
oftos without bridesmaids, or wedding-cake, or cheering
peasantry - without even the special hymns I had chosen for

(ImetthemjuiitaMtlii-yh.il ( iin- l.i-i out:

.1 inthcr rurses you. Itul
iidn fchall i. You sh.ill

.it ull." Ami tli.-y ili'li

TIIK SIMI'I.F. l'l.\\.

(nix war to keep ymini,' in l--lv in U> Vcvp yrmnf; in I
with lh.it 'I'ln fr<'in f"rrllinj{. HIH! litflit

Inew which are the uaual accouipaiiimenU of ;
J

)BAB hidies, I sigh when I see how you fly with a tremulous
f . r glasses

:id if a trace has been left on your face by old Father
Time as he posses.

vanishing charm you peruse with alarm ; each wrinkle
and crink '"dy,

\nd you get quite a turn when you suddenly learn your

complexion U'gins to grow muddy.
You shrink when you light cm a hair that is whi;

rather than weak I i.-r,

iVith a twist and a tw.-.ik and A half-suppressed squeak, you
pluck from its place the offender.

lly heart becomes sore (as I hinted before) to reflect on the

sorrows you go through
When you first ascertain that your efforts are vain and that

age is licgimiing to show through.
Hut, ladies, why \x-.\r such a burden of care? I ask you

again, why endure it?
[ 've studied the cause of old age and its laws, and I 'in only

too ready to cure it.
Then away with the puff and your ointments and stuff!

Away with your jmwder and lotions,
Kor, to tell you the truth, the whole secret of youth is to

cultivate proper emotions.

You need hardly be told you will never grow old if you ding

to youth's characteristic.
Then, ladies, lw bright! Let your hearts remain light, and

your outlook on life optimistic !
You must always refuse to give way to the blues: th.-re is

nothing that proves so corroding
To the bloom that is seen on the cheek of eighteen as the

trick one may get of foreboding.
Whatever befall, never worry at all. If you are not desirous

to hurry

Tin- lines tlint Time ploughs on your lily-white browa, you
-no, never must worry.

So, happen what may. still contrive to be gay though the

chauffeur elopes with your daughter,
Though tin- butler is found lying prone on the ground in a

puddle of something and water.
Though the IMIVS <-atch the mumps and come out in big

lumps, though the parlourmaid wakes in the morning
With a touch of the 'llu, and the tweenyinaid too, and the

cook says she wants to give warning.
It is simply a knack, when you >. stretched on the nick and

the dentist is cracking your jaw-i*>nes,
Not to think of the tooth, but rcniemltcr your youth, and to

mile in the face of the suw-bonea.

O*t On or Ot Out.

jxwinft iho donor'i health, wonderm] how 1 .
fin* Wham and Mr. H., in reply, laid he CMUM .
enlighten them. .... HP gave each man a w-.Vs holiday ,

ft Krko.

TIIH it all vi-ry well, but so few of us can spare the time
to do that. Next tip, please.

FEBRUARY 13, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

117

Churchwarden's Wife (irritably, after Service). " IT 's NO USE TOUR WEARING THOSE BLUE GLASSES, JOHN, IF YOU WILL SNORE ! "

A VALETUDINARIAN'S VALENTINE.

IF you were hoping, PHYLLIS, to receive

On Thursday instant, by the Love-God's poet,
Endorsement of the vows I pledged one eve

Last August, on our bracing British coast,
Forgive me, if I send no Cupid's knot

Nor toasted hearts, like savouries of fried roe,
To symbolise a passion soon forgot

When summer languished, and we left the Hydro :
Where is the ozone now to fire my blood ?
Where are those beneficial baths of mud ?

Our pulses echoed to the breakers' shout,

The pine woods were a tonic when we kissed,
The saline breezes cleared our heads from doubt,

The management controlled our diet-list.
What pain to think of those salubrious meals,

The cream, the eggs (our landlord kept his own hens)
Now as I sit and shake from head to heels,

Expecting asthma, et lirimtm reponens :
What pain to dream of tender smile and tiff
When Love's receptacle is frozen stiff !

Perhaps, when earth disdains the icy lumps
That Winter squanders from her wastrel stoics,

And Phoebus' radiating process pumps
The circulation through my cardiac pores,

When Summer, ornamenting bower and brake,
To Nature's canvas has appended " pinxit,"

And that electric course he bids me take
Has proved the curative my doctor thinks it,

There may, but, mind, I do not say there will,

Be symptoms of the old internal thrill

Till then the incident must count as past :

Yet murmur not at man's ingratitude :
Transfer your protest to the stormy blast.

And leave me to concoct my patent food.
I foster relics of the sweet complaint,

I keep that lock of hair you kindly scissored,
But if the feast-day of our amorous saint

Must fall inside a month of frost and blizzard,
The proper day, my dear, for Valentine
Is surely February 29 !

Heavy Work by the Bishop.

" A PROCESSION was then formed, and the Bishop, carrying
his pastoral staff, the font, reading desk, pulpit, and altar
" Birrnhifiliam Daily Post.

" FOR SALE. Mahogany Sheridan Inlaid Bedroom suite." Aberdeen
Free Press.

" Belonging to Mrs. Malaprop " would have added a pleasant
touch.

1M \<H. M|; | UK |.nMK)N CHARIVAIM.

18, 1907.

La*, {ft MV UUkmoml "Now, MB. Joxn, I BOTE I OAB BELT 01 THI PCBITT or YOCB MILK. I HAD TO OITE cr MB. SMITH BECACBE

H <LB BBOUM TWO-TB1SM WATBB."

If r. JAM*. " YOO 0*1 BBtT US THU. If OH. It ' BW PiBALTSBD BT TBB PUBLIC AIABOHUT."

ANNALS OF PHYSICAL RESEARCH ON COMMON-
PLACE CONCEPTIONa

IL '"RUT ALL THAT OUTTOB B MOT GOLD."

THE Tariety of the subject*. dealt with in this research
moaaililn the following Bub-divi*ions :

L Tta MnrnuLooicAL RBCLTB.

Scsmwx. AJIOCWT or GUTTEB. AMOOWT or GOLD.

PoraOoId ............ lOOpwoeot 100 per cent.

Finally we have the Chemical Section :

SCB8TA50E. */. GUTTM. */. OoLD.

in sunshine ''> '000001

in fog -000001

* Koh-i-noor 800
[ Owing to the expanse of thia last experiment I have been granted

the sum of 7 by the Royal Society to defray the cost, for which

generosity I lender my beat thanka ]

100
100

100

..
to Mr. W. RISE., far the

OoldLmf

GoldFUe ............ 40

Snid. ....... go

{ For Ik* MteBW* I m .

to Mr. OBO R. SIM. ud lor (be figure, to my

IL Tn SOCIAL Bom.

EimiMnrra. */. Otrrm. 7.Qou>.
MM B ?Mtti 1'"

f*ith JMWMl btM.1
10

[M MBBlcrirtid by BtMlf.]
Fsir J. BCVTAJI !'!

Snrt8H

T11F. IIKHALD.

UMWELOOME dish ! my palpitating heart

Thrill* at the si^ht nf thy si: tiled hue,

Now vill.un. .iily pink. ii"'.\ almost blue,
llall-nuirk infallilili- "f rliiiharti Urt.
ALw, no trii-ks .1 rnlni:iry art

Can n-nilt-r tli' M>;M- .ilil-' ; whon n>

wli'-n 'M ami hitt'T, who
d pan hit ] ' ri-k tin- stringy part?

'ini;h I RhuililiT vvli.-n I thi'O by,
'1'lion- BaKhrfl mulili-nly acTOM my miml

'ITio thmight that tlnm, base subject of my rhymes,
. Art the sweet harbinger of warmer times ;
Anri . I gulp thee down and cry,

" When Rhubarb comes, can Spring be far behind ?'"

I'l'NCII, OR TIIK LONDOM CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 13, 1007.

WILL THEY BELL THE CAT?

"The mice resolved, in solemn conclave, to hang a bell about the neck of the cat, as it had become a matter of ' grave importance'

to set a limit to her persecutions. But "

FI;I'.I,TARY 13, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

121

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

. Uf'i.t

,- r i. iv '-i Va

. .

House of Commons, Monday, Feb. 11.
Ilouse meets to-morrow for Second
Session of C.-B. Parliament. Seems only
last week we were here slaving through :
Autumn Session. A little more and we
shall see the year round at West-
minster.

Quite a lot of men about looking up j
their lockers and the like. Came upon
PRINCE ARTHUR, passing with long stride
to his room behind the SPEAKER'S Chair.
Kaiher surprised at this early appear-
ance. Usually thinks it time enough to
stroll in when Questions are half over.

" Yes, TOBY, dear boy," he said,
" that's all very well in ordinary times.
But just now, you see, ono never knows
where he is. Suppose I had deferred
putting in appearance till to-morrow
I might have found someone else in
possession of quarters of Leader of
Opposition. Just as well to be on the
spot in good time at least to begin
with. Come in and have a crack."

(Thought at first he meant a biscuit
and glass of sherry wine. " Crack," it
seems, is Scotch, and means chat or con-
versation. Shall remember this when 1 ;
meet C.-B. Use of word casually dropped ;
will give him native-heath feeling.)

PARLIAMENTARY VALENTINES.

"And how have things been going
of late?" PRINCE ARTHUR asked, settling
himself down with the small of his
back deftly fitted in the thick part of
cushions of armchair. " I 've been a

Sood deal at Whittinghame since
hristmas. Been putting in electric
light and entertaining my family. It
I mean the electric light work very
interesting. Haven't had time to see
much of the papers. Hear some of
our fellows have been saying things
about me, mutineering and that kind
of thing, you know."

I admitted there had in certain
quarters been something of the kind
going on.

"But you're all right," I said, per-
ceiving that in spite of assumed levity
lie was uneasy in his mind. " AUSTEN
will stand by you ; has said so publicly."

A bright smile illuminated the ex-
pressive countenance gazing up at me.
" Ah ! " he said, " that 's nice. To be
patted on the back by SON AUSTEN is
all I needed to crown a career not
absolutely unchequered. Where and
when did he speak ? Could you quote
any particular kindness ? "

" Yes ; he said there was no one who

could succeed you in the Leadership of
the Party, and if there were one he
wouldn't."

PKIXCE ARTHUR blushed ; the semi-
tvslalic rubbing of his hands showed
that the emotion was one of pleasure.

" What is more, WALTER LONG, speak-
ing a day or two Liter, adopted and
repeated the sentence which, to use
a phrase in vogue in happier days,
crystallizes the situation."

" WALTER LONG ? " said PRINCE ARTHUR.
" Didn't something happen to him ?
Wasn't he brought before one of the
Courts for what they call faking photo-
graphs putting CARSON'S head on
(IKORGE WYNDHAM'S body, or was it the
other way about ? "

"Neither; you've got mixed up a

little. . The photograph case is quite

another story. WALTER LONG merely

expressed opinion that the defendants

| in a criminal case sub judice should have

been convicted, more than hinting that

j BRYCE was at the bottom of the plot and

I was accordingly being smuggled out of

I the country ostensibly as Ambassador

; to Washington, actually to avoid scandal.

Some fussy people called this contempt

of court. LONG was hauled up before

PUNCH "i: Till-: LONDON < II \i:iv MM.

l.'t.

- ' . ' '

borelandumg*; the other two .

Aarma.
the,

intending." *aid PaC*
1 must rmlly see more of

HtkaV* J added,
before taking you under hi* wing Box
Anma aamnmrf that you are all right
m lite Tariff Dotation, and that you
tick to the declaration on the subject
art forth in the valentine* exchanged
with I k>\. lost a year ago."

Pane* Ajmnra'* countenance foil.

"Are they still talking about Tariff
Reform?" he asked, in tones that almost
made him moan. " I am. as I hare often
proclaimed myself, in tho true sense of
the word, a Free Trader. Abo, in n
Pickwickian sense, I am a Tariff lic-
former. Only, why talk of these thing*
at the present juncture? As \jm
the Opposition my basineas in to c-riti-
ciae the Government in the llouao of
Cuuuuuua. That in work enough for
one man without calling ii|xm liim to
make definite declarations upon :il<
questions. In the coming S-ssion 1 mean
t. -critioiae pretty steadily. I'.-H. !
know what is in store for him. He'll
Imrn before the Session in many days
old. Sony that the prii>vupation will
prevent my writing any more valentines.
or making speeches about Tariff Reform.
Much safer to criticise. I \\to\-. \\h-n
asked the secret of success in life, parti-
cularised audacity. Mark my W,T.!-.
TOST mio. the policy for a succeasful
Leader of Opposition is to avoid m-
harrassing topics seething in the minds
of his followers, and criticise, criticise.
crilicine. .\ tirmain. Here's a book
I 're just picked up, and now I 'in hen-
may as well finish. Cheerful, derating.
Seasoned with sound philosophy. You
should get it. As it appenml I- f-rv
era of net-price books, you are ;
sure to find it in Tl'ir Time* IViok
Huh."

What *s iU name?"

- /^r/itKXNirt on Ilrath"

done. Preparing to do it.

WANTED. A LEADER.

THE appeal to UnionisU in the current
tfrfiffiJfevwietodialodgelfr 1
from the leadenhip of the Unionist
Part j baa hem the political sensation of
the past fortnight. Mr 1-uneh",

I tentative, baring called on a nomber of

...... . .

tn du it from them the following rain-
able tmiifsakjua of opinion on thin

... . .

Mr. L J. Mint, the Editor of TV

' -.-;

by our representative, said t!

not wisho-: ;dge the m.iMer by

a forward any single name. As a
matU'i there w.

. . .- . . .

\ isoarr. Mr. HENHV dun .tv the !

of Tlif Mnriiinij /'.-.< the A--.i-taiil F.ditor
ui.l Mr .1 I..(!MI\I\.
Mr. CHII-: | .crimps, the

but Sir HOWARD VINO
like that of Mr Civ 1 Mr .Ions

BRKIRT, was a priceless asset Mr.(i\i;\is
was bv far the most brilliant writer living.
The Editor of The Mtirnimj I'ufl had a
gigantic mt. ll.ei. a th. u-aud times as
great as Mr. II\iJ>m:'s and a million
times greater than Mr. HRYI K'S. Tin-
Assistant Fxlitor wasa man of Napoleonic
genius. Failing any of these, Mr. MAXSE
said that any intelligent eel would lead
the party with more backbone than
Mr. HALTOCB.

Mr. I* S. AMK.HY. in reply to our re-
presentative, expressed himself fully in
i with Mr. M\V-K. that if" the
I'nionist Party was to extricate itself
from the slough of despond into which
it had fallen, it must find a new leader

young, dauntless, alert and inflexible.

my own part," continued Mr.

An FRY. " I think that no one has a better

laim to the |Ht than Mr. MAV-I: him

self. His vigour, his splendid command

f invective, his relentless antagonism to

he official Mandarinate, mark him out for

he j-ost. His very name LBO, again, is

an omen of success, for what are lions in

our path if we hare a lion to lead UB ? "

Sir GILBERT PARKER said that while

vouth and intrepidity were splendid

lualities, the ripe wisdom of a N

was not to be sniffed at. Personally he

would be best pleased if they could

nduce Sir Hr.siiY HOWARTH to re-enter

the arena once more and devote his

mammoth mind to the reorganisation

f their shattered forces. He f, It

itrongly with Mr. MAXBE that at all

mrards the I'nionist Mandarins must

DC hurled from power, and who was

Ix-ltcr fitt.-d to hud the onslaught

him the veteran historian of the

Mongols?

>*or HEWINS, the eminent econo-
mist, was of opinion that they wanted a
man of greater magnetism and charm of
personality than their present i,
The party was weary of dialectics
wanted a popular hero, like Mr. It

Pw whose fim two initials, he lM-lieved,
quite belied his real w-ntime.
THOMAS Lmtw. If the liadical-d.vidcd
to continue the policy of " Filling up the
<'"p ." Sir THOMAS wan chirriv the man
tofifl

The Editor of The Morning Port
expressed his conru ., c,. n i|.li.ti-

change was necessary. The present
House of Commons was full of nev.

highly ei ptilile to

ic impn-Miiot
could play npm them like an old fiddle.

Mr. < lAxnx was the very nm

l.i ki ) tht lli.ii-c in order. Hi

to ollice would, of nun . -t his

appi aranre* on the Uijir'U to inn'

luit he felt sure that Mr. .\n\\M>iit

would not refuse the clear call of his

muntryinen. IT negh-ct the proph.-tic

encounigenient of the lii^

" Like AttMM'iu I will rcigii,

I I will reign alone."

Mr. HKNMKKK HIMON strongly liacke-l
nins of Sir (Jur.nu I'MIKI i:. The
inient woiiM In- enthusiastically

nixl in the Col. mi--, and. after all.
the change would not IK- violent, as lii^
name contained the same numl
syllables mi' I letters as that of AIM in u
BAUOI it.

Isitrr. The diver. jinion dis-

closed in the opinions cit. d alive has
happily IMI-II dispelhil by nn IIIICM
ind wch onie event the p-t irement from
the wroiling arena of H\IM v-i IIMIIT.
In last Friday's ('lirmiiclr tin- I,'
Lion Mattel tiiat lie was going t.

ip the showman side of hif life. " I \.
made enollgli money," he i \pl:un. il, "to
keep myself iii comfort for the n -i i.|
my life, but I M like to lie doing some-
:hing. ... 1 have many friends all over
Kngland. If 1 were not a b'ns>iaii. I

hould like to be an Englishman."
Within a few hours of the appearance of
this momentous declaration, a n pp-
-.1 ntative deputation of Tariff Reformers
waited on the great wrestler, and made
lim a formal offer of the I'nionist l-.uler-
ship. The negotiations have i
onclinli-<l, but we 1 lave good reason to be-

ievelhat they will reMill inthc acceptance
if the offer subject to certain condr
These are, briefly, tho assumption by
ilvki vsrusirar of a surname less likely

suggest memlH-rship of the Cob<l,Mi
:'lub or sympathy with the Potsdam

1 'arty in the pre-ent Cabinet, and a
-oleum engagement that, in all c.

in the floor of the House, the new-
will entirely refrain from the
rickery of the Jiu-.litMi M\!e afl
iy his pmlecessor, and eonflne him-.'lf
M-lusively to the striightforward
nelliods of the Cnmlx-Hand school.
Mr. I.IOMAXBB, who has lak.'ii :i leading
art in the negotiations, is naturally
l with tlie prospect <.f securing
fighting man to l,nd the
Tariff Heformers to victory. As he
d to our repri-scntalivc. " None
>f the Ministi-rial .Mandarins could stand
to H \CKKN-U HMini for one moment
bin:> are a- s].ien(|li| as his m>:
I feel sun- that he has in him the
makir. i I'ITT. A seat will

l>e ft.und for him without
lelay. but the question of his costume
still present* some difficulties."

!li~

FEBRUABY 13, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

123

'THE MERCIFUL MAN

M. F. n. (just moving off from Meet at his own Jiouse). " HANO IT ALL, SIB, DON'T BIDE ON THE GRASS ! "
Monsieur d'Haricot. " YOUR GRASS IT VILL GROW AGAIN ; THE FEET OF MV 'OBSE NEVARE ! "

A LEGEND OF TRAFALGAR
SQUARE.

THE lion is a noble beast

That isn't frightened in the least.

This noble beast is rather rare,
Its habitat 'a Trafalgar Square.

His number is exactly four,

I don't know why there are not more.

Each lion, tired of being dead,

Woke up one night and shook its head.

The incident within my text
Occurred the 1st of April next.

Tlic'y felt so hungry that they ate
A poor benighted Suffragette,

No passing stranger raised a shout,
There were so very few about.

Still seeking what they might devour,
They met a man of temper sour,

\\ IHI got his living, more or less,
By writing for the Yellow Press.

He had, when stricken with alarm,
A lot of papers on his arm.

Tin- lions ate him. Sad to tell,
They ate the Yellow Press as well.

How fleeting was their fancied gain !
They soon began to suffer pain.

Each cried, " I cannot wag my tail,
It must have been The Daily Pail.

" Alack a day, ah, woe is me,
I 'vc supped on New Theologee."

Said No. I. : " Look out for squalls,
I 'm full of fighting Music-halls."

Said No. II. : " One lives and learns,
There's something at my heart that
Burns."

" I really fear," said No. III.,

" These earthquakes will demolish me."

Quoth No. IV., with pained surprise,
"I must have swallowed several lies."

They crawled back to the Square again,
They turned upon their backs and then

Kach groaned and peacefully expired,
Which was, perhaps, to be desired.

Next day the Press, the truth to shirk,
Said anarchists had been at work.

COMPENSATION QUIBBLES.
(Decisions by Our Legal Expert.)

THE MANAGER OF THE SPLITZ : " One of
our ' buttons ' is fifteen years old and his
voice is about to crack. If it breaks
suddenly while he is in our employ, to
what amount are we liable ? "

Half value. If a crack voice, you'will

be liable on CARUSO basis. Safer to
dismiss him and get a dumb waiter.

THE WIFE OF A CHURCHWARDEN.: "If
my lady-help should injure herself while
carrying up coals, scrubbing the front-
door steps or sweeping the chimneys,
should I have to pay her compensation ?
She has no salary, as I receive her on
mutual terms."

If delicately offered, she would no
doubt consent to receive half salary
during period of illness.

MAJOR-GENERAL, BRECKNOCKSHIRE ROUGH
RIDERS (Retired) : " I give dinner-parties
occasionally, and hire my greengrocer to
wait at table. He invariably wears an
old-fashioned dress-coat with tails reach-
ing to the ground, and he invariably
trips over them. If the scoundrel falls
and breaks his leg, am I liable?"

Yes. Insist on his wearing an. Eton
jacket.

MILS. SHARPER - GORLING, AOCRINGTON
(LANCS.) : " I can never manage to keep
servants long, though I am sure I treat
them most considerately. Last year I
had eighty-seven cooks and at least as
many housemaids and parlourmaids. If
I have to take out a separate policy for
each it will be ruinously expensive.
What should I do ? "

Emigrate.

PUNCH, "K THK LONDON CH.MMVMM.

13, 1907.

THE PERFECT WOMAN.
n.

THK room WM crowded. My partner
; .. ..- ; - ..-.':.
beantifully. when I bad the bad
to catch m crab, and in another Moood
we wen banned. I threw ap my hand.
"All aid, and we ateer.

irfullv Bony." I mid to my

; r. .. . : : - . - -

I hive ever eeeo (not that it mitten),
" bat I Mem to hare the rotteneat luck
I danoe with you. At other

She looked up at roe.
" Why. of course, it u you ! I might

haveraased.

*. didn't you know?
flow

I knew at
once. How are yon getting on ? "

- Oh. all right, thanks."

She looked vaguely round the room,
while I wondered to myself where I had
-

"You remember," she began, "how
last time you told me about the ZAXCMS
and the Channel Tunnel, and said that
to every pro-Tunnel there were 81,937
anti-Tunnels?"

" Oh, yon mustn't believe everything
I say," I remonstrated. " It may pos-
sibly have been 81,936. or even-

"Oh, but I do believe you implicitly."

"Do you really?" l" said, eagerly
" Then I '11 tell you some more."

" Yon see, you told me wliat all tin-
best people were doing about tin- Tunnel.
and the Zinciom, and so on, and I found
it was absolutely true what you said.
And now I want to know some more
things, because, of course, such a famous

statistician as yourself '

say." I interrupted. " did I toll you
last time I waa a statistician ?"
. Aren't yon

M Oh, it 's only that it was rather a
secret Yon ace, my family I mean
the profession isn't what it was of
course, I don't mind you knowing, but
don't Oh, wi-11, never mind. 1 v
let me help yon again if I can."

"I wish you would," she said. I \e
been moat awfully bothered lately, wliat
with the New Theology and the* Music-
hall War and things. I simply haven't
known what aide to take. But of course
> late for that now."

f you live in the country. If
yon live in the country or in the sulmrlM.
tt is not yet too late to observe cleverly
that the New Theology M neither new

"Ah! la that all then a to aay
about

well Mr. CAMPBCLL'S name,
of course, yon will only mention in
whispers, or in company with Mr.
l Buanx's. Two godleai men."

0. EL (as I called her) looked down
thougfatf .

ro these really your own views? "

A' statistician," I said importantly,

"never all " i ' '

interfere with his f. r.-wnrcin*.

I gathered that you wiahed L. know
wliat all the beat people were saying and
doing about these matters."

s. That'.* it. I want to I*- tin-
right tiling, you know. I 'm not .1
:-

. no. I quit* 1 andentand. Wi-11,
then we come to the Mu-ic -hall War.
That is just over ; but still, the question
might uriso. Wliat have you been doing
alum it?"

'I've just had to say that 1 don't
know anything about mu-ie hal!- '

' Well, it M difficult, dn tin-
one luind tin- artistes are going in for
peaceful picketing."

" Whatever 's that?"

"Oh. I In- very dickens. What Social iMs
do. Horrible!... Hut then, on the
other hand, they have done a trrmfti<{iinx
lot for the ('ause in their time. If you
will U-lieve me, ( !. K.. they think nothing
of saying 'Good old .!<>K' in tin- middle
of a turn ! And the jokes they 've had
alxiut JOHN BURNS ! . . . So you see how
difficult it is."

" Hut it's all over now. Un't it?"

"I suppose it i*. Anyhow, my advice
to you, (!. K.. is to pretend that it is. I
think that's your lino. Yes, I must
own you 've been one too many for the
statistician this time."

(J. K. smiled brightly, and shook her
In-ad in denial of this.

"Not at all. You've Ixvn splendid.
Hut now we come to the great thing
of all." She lowered her voice. "What
is a Wastrel? Am I one?"

I raised my hands in horror.

- Never ' " I -ri,-d. " ( Hi, my dear
girl! The W,,,trels! Tl:
Who was 'I U-t rayed the Capitol? The
! Who lost MM v the

world? The L< '.('.! Who was the
cause of a long ten years' war, and
l.i Ml at but old Troy in ashes? The
' Instructive, damnable, deceit-
ful LC.G!"

" Hut that doesn't answer my ques-
tion."

"In talking of tin- L.i'C. we don't
answer questions. We himply make
ition.i. However I will make an
exception in your c-.ise. A wastr.
lYogreasive meml.. r of tin- I.

" And I 'in ".at ?"

yes, yes. Viatel . . . 1
t'll \ouastory. There was once a lit tie
Mind I my who liviil at Norhury, where
- come from, <.r, rather, don't
come from. And one day his father
him. ' Pray, who hnx Ixvn cutting
my plane

'11 a lie; I i!i> I it
with my little blanket.' And they lived

e\i-r after at Kdiuoiiton ... Do

.tell the I i

' I in afraid I don't i|iiite."
" Well, all >oii 've . How

illlifoilf could IM- anything else after
tntiliil aUmt ,' and then \,.ii

fnit in any one of the nouns from that
- i\ I \>- jn-t told \oii. 1 '11 write
it out for \
Th.it would I-. kind of \

all. 1 like helping you. Is
.nything

" Nothing i; y. thank y..u.

Here coin.-s my partner."

I bownl. and went in si-an-h of my
own partm-r. IU ami by 1 found her.
She was vtTy, \> i\ plain, and, as I <\\-

I when \ tO dance, quite

lame in one leg.

Were \ on ever at school in Edmon-
ton ?" I askrd.

PATKI;FAMII.I.\S AI>\T.KTI>

WANTED, a plain, old-fashioned M-hi.il.
where mi golf or new accomplishments
arc taught, but where now and then
some education is given, and where tin-
Head Mistress -ionally out of
temper and sometimes punishes. Not
in a site with tine view of the sea or
overlooking any " < Jarden of Kngland,"
but a school of the old sort, where, during
a few hours, rudiments may lie acquired.
The advertiser wishes for this, as his
girls now return home able to break his
limbs at .liu .1 itsu, and he has I"
prehistoric in their presence. His
pocket also suffers. No principal hold-
ing "higln-st diplomas,' 1 as~i-t.i| by
" French and other resident certificated
masters," need apply, but siiupK
plain, homely woman of strong will.
The advertiser hopes that in this way
his self-respect may be regained.

A Suggestion.
h i it ! granted

(1) That the lloii-e ( .f I/.rds must go.

cr/r.)

- voiid Chaml>cr is .
lial. (>'}. Mr. I ''Itinvliill

on I 'i:il I 'imxtitnt'i

(3) That Women are as tit to ..

/( fllll::ll'1 tlllTi f-iff

That the right and proper thing to do

ivplaee the lloll-e ' f l/il'.l.s by

Tin \ can Ht- a jokt- at WhiteiieM's
TaU-rnacle as <|iiickl> as at the
or anywhere els.-. 'J'he d.w of Sir
"livi there on the

nt :unl Fall of Man " i
by the l>,nly l>i*i*itch 08 foil"

" Man wan no Ln^rr t!,
Imt llio niat'r nf lit* r|icin<.

FEBRUARY 13, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

125

CHARIVARIA.

LADY FRANCES BALFOUR is to give a
lecture on the House of Lords at ('amel-
ford House, Park Line, on the 20th inst.
It is proposed to have a few Peers on
view unless, of course, they should have
I iron abolished before that date.

The visit of the Duke and Duchess of
LANCASTER to Paris was such a success
that, upon their return to this country,
they were hailed as King and Queen of
ENGLAND.

The Russian Government, which sum-
moned the Peace Conference, is, it is
stated, opposed to
disarmament.

of language may ensue such as
country has never yet heard.

this

The "Church Cough" has been re-
ceiving the attention of The liritixh
Medical Journal. It is certainly desir-
able that a cure should be found, for it
cannot be gainsaid that the coughers
are responsible for causing many of the
other worshippers to spend a sleepless
morning in church.

We have not had to wait long to see
the result of the infusion of American
blood into The Daily Mail staff. One
of the new features, curiously enough,
is the introduction into the text of a

A valuable rubber mat weighing 30 Ib.
and measuring 8 ft. by 3 ft. lias been
Stolen from the Kmbankinent, entrance
of the Savoy Hotel. Its disappearance
is a mystery, and further thefts being
feared, the two little page boys who are
on duty at the door are, we hear, to
be chained to the walls of the building
as a measure of precaution.

President ROOSE-
VELT is sitting for a
full-length portrait
to be presented to
the Peace Palace at
the Hague. Some
difficulty, we under-
stand, is being ex-
perienced by the
painter owing to
the President's pug-
nacious type of face,
into which it seems
to be impossible to
coax the appro-
priate lamb - like
expression.

As an act of
courtesy to foreign
spies two weeks'
notice was given of
the intention to test
the efficiency of the
Medway boom de-
fence on Feb. 14.

The news that the price of castor-oil
rising has been received with the
greatest enthusiasm in nurseries through-
out the kingdom, and the wish has even
been expressed that it may become
prohibitive.

Two disused
lighthouses were
offered for sale by
auction last week.
Although it was
pointed out that
they would form
ideal residences for
exceptionally tall
persons, only one
found a purchaser.

Mr. GREIO, the
gentleman whom
Miss BILLINOTON, the
Suffragette, has
married, will, it is
said, take the name
BILLINGTON-GREIO
though this, we be-
lieve, is only a com-
promise.

The Rifle Club
movement continues to spread. In some
houses there are even kitchen ranges.

Algey (who is having a private lesson in the noble art, for the first time, from the Bermondsey
Basher). " You MUSTN'T MIND IF I HIT YOU BATHER HARD, Ton mow. I AM SUCH A BEASTLY
ERRATIC JOHNNIE."

A gentleman has proposed that a
million pounds be spent in buying the
ZANCIGS' secret for the British nation.
It is thought that, if the money were
found, the ZANCIGS might be persuaded.

The Dally Mirror reports a rescue,
during the Jamaican earthquake, which
was in danger of passing unrecorded.
After the Conference Hall was wrecked
the Earl of DUDLEY returned to the plat-
form for his hat and umbrella.

series of portraits of persons suffering,
not as one might have expected from
yellow fever, but apparently from spotted
fever.

TJie Times is advertising
Guinea Cannibals" for 4s. 3d.
is certainly a big reduction.

"New
This

We are informed by the editor of
Men's Wear that purple will be the
fashionable colour for male clothes in
the coming season. This reminds us
that several candidates for the L.C.C. are
said to be ordering egg-colour suits for use
when they appear on a public platform.

A proposal is before the Corporation
of the City of London to remove the A man who sneezed while being shaved
fish market from Billingsgate to Shad- j at Newark had the end of his nose cut
well. BiDingsgate is, in consequence, ' off by the upturned razor, but the barber
up in arms, and, should the project be ' only charged him the ordinary price for
persisted in, it is feared that an outburst I a shave.

We should not
be altogether sur-
prised if the Govern-
ment were to have
a fall over the licens-
ing question. It
may abolish the
Army, and the
Navy, and the Lords (and even the
Commons), and nothing much be said
about it, but if it should dare to lay
hands on the Nation's Beer

The New Theology.

"Theology (see Fiction)." Mudies
Catalogue.

"Aquinas, a Commentary on the Four
Gospels (Vol. I. a little cracked).
Somebody else's Catalogue.

Commercial Candour.

THE following cooms from Sheffield :

" Large reductions in OUR prices. Something

too good to be true."

Tms headline catches the eye :

"His WATCH STOLES WHILE DRUGGED."
Well, it can't have been the best
butter.

MI: TIIK LONDON II \i:i\ MM.

UH 13

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr runrh't Sbt/ of Ltfmed

"QcrnJCMCX." mud I, wiring band at my constituents,
"mil .vnword*

ln.lv (ay* /t<4 up. BlMHV. i/ r ','.'

Omi'ek Gentlemen. <li.l n<x

Garotrar* express only what is in the hearts f nil of M-

And then was dp.wn.-d with all his hu-e. the case

thrilling.
Forthoii. r now became to untold wealth the heir,

id.-rbilt -cum- Uoth -child mill i. mar

.illdn'l claim his heritage, through In-ing in this mess.
And thu-. although a millio:.

I'ntil well, if you want to know, you've only got I.
In l'ivii' I'lin-in: M -i-d new I

rxpitiM only wnst is in the Howls <>i

UM!.IV whi ho wid--" and here I repeated the U-.mtiful Although mi th.- whole I f-iun.l Mr. Hours WrKMUiTs

hackneyed words from ..// by !>-V 7" Rjcaums). a (rill*>

>T ItexBv .1 thw feeling. I i. 'lull. I f.vl 1 ..MIL I I.. s:iy lli.it I know a -,..! deal more :il.iit

nnnon only to I ho inhabitants of our Free Tr.idc tin- st.ige than 1 did I 1 i'. I ] < ! .-MI. .1 that

Bow does the inspiring message of the Gennan all i i n^c. : "! hi- fri. u.l. call

philosopher run? How. I ack yoo " (/ mra* you. BCXHAM ; each other "dear U.y." ami that all actresses an- |M.]H!

i t/* /Vowrfc* rrfi.wi. Isook fcorp> " how. I ask you. jealous of -a. h oth.-r. All. that ling the chanuing

did he phnwe thk me thoopht ? Won it not thus: beroiiie, who " had dreamed drennis dear delight ful <li

kUchwt, wrr rergMct, WM nicht zu amleni i- 1 winning mooeM and ni-< ignition ami ..;, 1 . 1 i!,.-iu fa<l<-

/ ri-jlil. .ink you.*) Gcntlemrn. I unit on. slowly ami thru tlickiT out alt-;;. tln-r." lint thru "tli.-

wanning to it, "waa it not TBOMJW OVOBTKY who n-iiuirkl vitiating atni">|.li-Ti- of th.- lootfighta lia.l |..i--..l II.T hy

To panphrue ItoBorr CRMXM NCGKM It unscathed. She was as different fr-m r actress as

this that (Mere, or (u he is more generally called) it was possible to conn-m

meant when be spoe

of the "

-Mr. TonKiww." id the
ttumpbrmk W'arrior next day.
" in Bprvrh full of apt allu-
sion and quotation, point<il
oat that the Gorernmcnt wan
ruining thf countrj-." Hut in
the aeducion of my study I
pattnl my invaluable Ctu*rll.
and i-il|.l upon llfiivrn to re-
ward Mr. \V i ,- uvirr lti:Mun.

the
But

Many yr' doae m
lion with Parliamentary affaire
has made me familiar with
literature of Blue Books.

t I never before came
across one so charming as that
published at the sign of the
Green Sheaf. 3. Park Mansions
Art-ail** Knightfibridge. Tale*
My <i,tr,lfn in the title

lalourrr (ifAo kn* fat tkipptd out of tht way of a faliitirj
blotk of tltmt about Ihrrt Ion* in vright). " BE A BIT Hour < A urn i 1 1

5*om
I-

nr "AT!

Axorint* 'ALT A roar, AID TOO 'o

ATE BOUGHT ME A

bears, its compiler being Miss I.U-IIEMT: ALMA TAOCMA.
They are genuine fairy taJes of the old high mark of excel-
lence. The writing looks easy ; the actual difficulty of work-
manship is indicated in the failure marked l-y the third Mory.
which M rather ffraesome and altogether in . ngible.

The first two. "The Gardener ' ami 'The N,- lhart," are
gnna of dcmgn and workmanship, rominifirent in these
qualities of some of Miss ALMA TADRMA'S father's masterpieces
in another rfvnl of art.

Tk* PenntUu Millionaire (JoBX lom) was the wealthiest

kmdof Jew,
Who went and married a Gentile wife (a thing they some-

limci do),

-ing disinbrriled, be then, poor foolish Ltd.
Purloined a aacml Chinese gem, which in itself was bad,
But, what WM worn, he found the gem was far too big

to sell.

And, woner still, he WM kidnapped in a low-down opinm-hefl.
And there was bound and tortured by the heathen Chinese

.. - c |voerty he'd borrowed without asking his consent
Now when his bthrrrut him off. without the normal shilling.

' - QtwUlk. sot (TO by Jlr

Beauty, arm, and

freshness all part ol

Coiutancr -ur.-."

So that, putting two and two
together, ami add ing I he |

melodramatic atm<pher.
can get a pretty g">d i..
the truth. Another chai
istic of actor- is their v.
repeating their own and each
other's .piip-i in almost the
-;inie wttnls. S'veral of Mr.
WVNHUM'- pe..ple.lo this, and
as he also does it himself in
the narrative part.- of th.
I judge that he is .
I nected with (tic Profession.

" Alrftnly to frc-h v\
and i I I to

ing an old
i another

I by Mrs. Ill \l:v I >( IV
- PASTI i.> . For ! only

yesterday that I had read 7'//,- Liitl,- S/KMV. and I
OODOernad for the author's health, ll.ivvcver a the

title-page revealed the fact that r,i//i,,-;,,. :mi,

ElOB) was only new in the sense of U-ini; a new edition,
and I bn-athe<l again. To iiuwt of u- ' nh,-r

of gloomy forebodings <. r of sham, -faced. H
relief, acconling as we are travelling north or south. I'mt
Calheriiif actually liv.il there, and often form-
little crowd which ass.-mble< to watch the . the

Dover Ixiat. There, on the pier. sh. r fate, in the

ch.i|- of an elderly but virlnoii* baronet. In due iii,,.
liiarrie<l him. and ln-rame the mi-'

one of the Ntat.-li.->t of the Mately h. une.- ol lai-land The
rest of her life, (ill thr premature d. ilh of Sir /'/ii/i/..

' in trying to lind the key to her husband'.- heart and in
making g..l her |--ition ainon. 'her smart fn.

\' r - I 'i iv I 'v- it in: has Hiieceeile<l in weaving out <if
a very readable st .

Literary Note.

a biography of the Lit- TOM

n under the general editorship of Mr.
t.. which Mr. ( ;. \V. SMVI .IIIAI.I.

\ l.irn.i-.Mr. Wn.i.n I! I .Sir lfvi.ni

.d \V.v Kirk n. .11 contribute.

WE uinh-rpt
Tin vr. is in i

I I.ITTUJI i

FEBRUARY 20, 11)07.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

127

ON THE MAKING OF RUINS.

To have ruins near one's house will
always be considered fashionable, but
to live in a ruined castle that is luxury.
and, as such, can be afl'onled only by
multi-millionaires or Star artistes, the
rent being prohibitive. Cheap ruined
ea tics are a snare. It you read in
Country Life of a Ruined Casile, h.
and c., use of family ghost, 46 p. a.,
all at, it may generally be concluded
cither (1) it is damp, or (2) the fabric
is loose.

In the latter case, do not entertain it.
Nothing is more annoying than to have
large pieces of masonry falling during
breakfast, while it makes it difficult
to keep servants. The tale is told of
one ruined castle where three cooks have
left, without giving
notice, in the space
of five months.
The fourth, who is
in a very incon-
venient position
beneath a heap of
masonry, has been
kepi

But the question
has often been
asked, " Why not
make our own
ruins ? " Why not,
indeed !

An Englishman's
house is his castle.
Therefore, by the
simple expedient of
ruining an English-
man's house, a
luxurious residence
can be produced at
nominal cost.

The most favour-
able houses to ruin
are found in the
suburbs. Those that -
have been built for more than a decade
can usually be ruined by an intelligent
man in a few hours. All that is neces-
sary is a " Nature's Abhorrence Cleaner "
(for the walls) and a " Salamander Chim-
ney Cleaner" (for the ceiling), or you
may hire the Fat Boy of Peckham to
lean against it. If the house is only
semi-detached, it is advisable to consult
the other owner first. He may be
Philistine enough to prefer his house as
it is. There are many such people in
the suburbs.

If the house is built of granite or any
of the more obstinate building materials,
then it is advisable to use a motor-car.
Borrow one from the local garage. Do
not employ your own chauffeur if he has
been with you any length of time. Good
chauffeurs are difficult to replace. And
take care to cover all the furniture with
white dusting cloths and to move the

canary out into the garden first. If he
is kept in the house he will probably go
off song for the season.

J.-istly, do not forget the windows. It
is not an uncommon sight to see a really
nice ruin spoiled by modern panes of
glass. This jars terribly. Windows
should all be broken. Do not use stones
unless your aim is good. Put up a
notice, " House to Let."

One of the pleasantest features of this
amateur ruining is to watch the delight
of the landlord when lie first sees the
improvement. Generally speaking, this
takes the form of a refusal to take
anything in the shape of rent. He
may add tickets for the theatre. So
that, from an economic as well as an
artistic point of view, property is worth
ruining.

'MID THE CLASH OF STEEL.

A Voice from the Gallery. " MINE 's A WING."

THE BAT AND THE PEN.

THE recent meeting of the promoters
| of the South African cricket team to this
country in the summer (if there is a
summer) was a very interesting one, not
without its influence on the future of the
game.

The most important business naturally
bore upon the literary activities of the
team. A time was when if you were
asked to name one class of man who
probably hated writing more than
another, you would pick out the cricketer.
But all is now changed. The South
Africans are, it seems, one and all
possessed of a eacoethes scribendi which
no ointment can cure, no Duke of AKGYLL
alleviate.

The point to be decided then was,
Shall the papers to which they propose
to contribute be restricted or shall they

write for all The Times as well as The
War ('///, The. Rock as well as The
Spectator? Opinions, as opinions will,
differed. One patron of the tour, who
has put down a large sum of money,
asked, Would it not seriously affect their
play? "Can a man who writes all
night," he said, "play all day?" Such
a question was naturally treated with
disdain. At this date a man must
know better than that. " The more you
write the better you play obviously.

Look at and .

It was ultimately decided that any
South African cricketer who could not
promise to contribute to three papers
all through the tour one morning, one
evening, and one weekly, in addition
to cabling home full descriptions of
the matches, and had not at the end
of the tour a volume
of personal impres-
sions all ready for
the press, should
be left out of the
eleven, no matter
how well he might
bat. England, it
was pointed out by
one who knows the
old country through
and through, ex-
pects cricketers to
write, and if the
South Africans do
not write no one
will pay to see them,
and the failure of
the tour will be
assured.

After further dis-
cussion it was
| agreed that the ink
used should be
Messrs. 's, who
had promised to
give it free on con-
dition that it was
advertised on all the scoring boards
, and match cards ; and the pens should
I be Messrs. 's, who made similar
conditions.

The meeting then broke up, after a
copy of Eoget's Thesaurus had been
presented to every one present by Mr.
ABE BAILEY (whose name, by the way,
will be taken by the team's wicket
keeper as a compliment to the great
millionaire's public spirit).

Renter, very badly deciphered.

" Will any Author send by parcels post to
Hon. Sec. British Rummage Centre, Seaforth,
Liverpool, Old Neckties, Socks, Shirts, to be
sold daily to Clerks and Shop Assistants."
AulJior.

HAVE you the old necktie of the aged
author (mase.) ? No, but the Liverpool
Shop Assistant is engaged to be married.

<>K THK

CHARIVARI.

20, 1907.

THE WISDOM OF THE BLACK FRIAR.
Or IxnoMcnttT RKMUH,

ia thing that i* worse than a preface, and that i*
a pvologae; thing that is wore* than a prologue, and th.it
ia ao author ' foreword. To become involved in one <
thing* w aa when one prruarth a MaryrtU> that tartrt
a strong melodramatic interest bat concluded! with an ad ver-

Of which thing* the Black Friar will liar* none, btr
oat more ado win plunge at once into the middle of tilings.

Or Qmunm.

BACOS. who hath written much and wisely of friendship.
aahh : "Be that liketh it not hath something of the savage
braM." Wherefon aince BAOOX was a true man and thou
had* lief not be called a savage heart, aeck out friends.
Thon canat not seek more wisely than among the wealthy.
Bestow thy affectiona freely among thy acquaintance*, and
teU thy servant that thou mayat not be in to dinner. But be
not over diligent in thy conversation with the crafty one,
lest thou be in to dinner, and there be another with thee.

Thon ahalt tell thy friends by their manner of addressing
thee. He that writeth thee "Dear Sir." .j,,th both love (for
hecaOeth thee Dear) and respect thee (for he calleth thee Sir).
And if ho takfth leave of thee thus: "I am yours truly."
be assured that he would fain recline on thy bosom for

When thou hast a secret and its publication toucheth not
thyself, dirulge it If thou art a woman, make thy confidante
promise thee faithfully (even aa thou thyself didst promise
faithfully) " I wiD not tell it to a soul." 'if thou art a man
thou ahalt say : "This, of course, ia between thee and me."
Thou mayest. at thine own discretion, add " the gatepost."

There ia a form of beginning that is much in use among
men :- I am the last person to say anything to the ill ol

There are many buts from which thou

net choose for thyself .

If thou hast a secret thing to the bad repute of A. (and if
it be not to the bad repute of A., then it will be to the bad
repute of BO aay :-" There ia no one that liketh A. better

than I, yet I must aay ." Then can thy abuse be as

-unstrained and malicious aa thou wilt

Or PATTKW*.

When thou art engaged in that occupation which of all
othera M the moat distasteful to thee, comfort thyself with
-** nsVrtmn that at any rate thou art not playing Patience.

If thou meeteat a Scotchman tell him that he hath no
oae of humour. If he dispuuth with thee, tell him that
hiatamper doth prove what thou wrest. If he doth not

^1*55 eShe?*" 1 " Thu> thou hart *"
of the jSLan "He is a good fellow, but a liar,"

. t ar * **-

man. the Irishman or the Welshman, but ao to apeak argueth
*- in thyself, and thou knowett tST thoTart

Sfl the German - (at " ndthe Frenchman " froggy

' ' '' .-' - . r; : - . i .<,',<

unpopular abroad.

Or OLD Aon.

T i
say : 'So I thought when I waa thy age. At

. a man thinks that lie known even-thing ; at thirty h
begins to have his doulit.; and at forty he knows ih.ii h
know* nothing."

Or YOUTH.

If thou art a young man and an old man advise! h tin*
' ly a i n doth known at 'M;,-

at thirty he is Iteginning and ut forlv lie knoweth

nothing."

Or XEWPPAPEHB.

Look after thy daily paper and thy lil.r.iry will U,k after
itself. Be assured that he that puUisheth a paper hat
eye to his own pocket, lint only to thy greater comfort
he not ao state in his every other issue '; \ Ml, he not charge
thee a halfpenny only because he must charge t
thing ?

If I iy chance thou hast a loaning towards the halfpem
press, hesitate not to satisfy that taste of thine. Kvery mail
saith " I could not nor would read those :
be many copies sold daily.

The illustrated paper is better than no newspap. r !
letter to have studie<l pictures of things that did not happen
drawn by them that were not there, than to know no i.

Or EXAMINERS.
There are some things too loathsome even to lie mentioned.

THE VINDICATION OF THE ATI 1 1. 1

[On of the argument* offered in favour of the .Senior
*-n\K n-t;iiiil, was that it ha* been one of the IH-KI .
'.nnliriilKp I'tiiTirBity to the oouide world. A i|..n,

|iintl out that, as an advi-rtinenient, the diitingnisli>

more effective.]

Ir you took a rough inventory
Of knowledge elementary

That I assimilated at the 'Varsity,
It scarcely would IM; quotable ;
It 's, altogether, notable
For nought but its extraordinary sparsity.
My position, yet, was easily defeasible,
For the dons admitted I was indi-pen^il,!,,.

My passage through the Previous
Was desperately devious

I couldn't tell a problem from a theorem ;
I knew no more of qunt an' tot
Than if I'd been a ll.itti-ntot;
The genitive of r* was often n or r,-m;
And I always felt a bit apologetieal
When answering n i|in-Mi(ni arithmetical.

Yet although I was so ignorant
And couldn't "talk it big" nor rant

Of pleonasms, metaj IP r- and images,
It was nice to know my ( '. .!! ev was
lent that all my knowledge was
Restricted to the Kuliilciicx of wrimiu...
They excused my lack of skill in the laU.rat'ry,
As long as I could kick a goal or score a try. '

my corollary:

That when a man 's a "scholar, he
Cannot expect his j. raises sung in tuny verse ;

! it '* only rational
To think an Internation.il

Worth all the S'nic.r Wranglers in the uni
And this i. what (0 scholars, don't f,,.l hurt !) is

.nt :
The athlete 's a superior advertisement !

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FKBIUIAKY 20, 1907.

AU REVOIR!

GAINSBOROUGH'S " DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE" (to "Nancy Parsons" and the "Hon. Mrs. Yorke," who were cut from
their frames by a burglar last week). "NEVER MIND, MY DEARS. I WAS STOLEN, TOO, YOU KNOW.
BUT I CAME BACK AGAIN MORE POPULAR THAN EVER."

FEBRUARY 20, 1907.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

131

MODKKATE OR PROGRESSIVE?

MR. PUNCH SETTLES THE QUESTION'.

WITH the I/)ndon County Council

lections iu immediate prospect, Mr.

Punch has instituted, with his customary

)enevolence and acuinen, an inquiry

nto the question whether the spirit of

he age is moderate, or whether it is

^regressive. Candidates and voters

dike will he surprised to learn that it is

leiiher. It is retrograde. In every

lepartment of life there are signs of

backward movement, excepting in those

where the depression has reached the

limit.

Take, for example, the various branches
of Science, Letters and Art. Mr. Punch's
ixpert investigators have discovered that
all Literature can be traced to one
fundamental fact, and that is stationery.
They find, too, that there is evidently
no longer any desire to create History,
for records are broken as soon as made ;
and that the Drama is being remodelled
on lines laid down by the Backonians.
One cannot write so much as an ordinary
letter without sealing the back of an
envelope, and licking the back of a
stamp. Art yearly fills our Academy
with pictures which, according to many
critics, would be improved by being
hung back to front; and some of Mr.
Punch's own best drawings are pre-
historic. Architecture and Sculpture
have crammed London full of eyesores
and modern instances. Education is
notorious for its particular attention to
backward boys ; and attention is mos
frequently applied to their backs.

In commercial circles the investigators
hear the same tale. London's greatness
dates from the time of WHITTINGTON, the
Lord Mayor who turned back. Tb
works most often consulted by business
men are the Blue Books containing
Board of Trade returns. No enterprisi
is ever set on foot without some one tc
hack it, and the least reputable adver
tisements are those headed "Advances
Made." Even Soap, the commodit;
which one would expect to remain ii
demand more persistently than an
other, is boomed in the public pres
with an eye to retrogression. For on
brand it is claimed that it leaves a gco<
impression behind ; and another bear*
the significant appellation of "Mone.
Back." Locomotion is all against pro
gress. Railway Companies invariabl.
give a reduction on return tickets ; th
latest motor cars are fitted with reversin,
gear ; and trams advertise only th
places where they stop.

So also with Sport, which, if nothin
else does, retlects the tastes of the people
Association football, a game watche
every day by millions of spectators, ha
for its end the unscientific object o
getting a round ball into a square hoi

Departing Guest. "THANK you so MUCH FOR A MOST CHARMING AND RECHAUFFE LITTLE DINNF.K!'

The finest Rugby is played by Back-
heath, the All Backs, and the Spring-
backs. Even racehorses are now
occasionally backed, and one of the most
noted jockeys of late years was TOD |
SLOW'UN. As for Cricket, its future is
in the hands of Mr. B. C. FRY.

Our social life is full of examples too
numerous to give in detail. One need
only mention that it is becoming quite
customary on birthdays to wish people
many happy returns ; and that the most
accomplished dancers reverse.

What can one deduce from these facts
except that this life is but a sleep and a
forgetting ? Let the electors take warn-
ing. These data based on the reports
of Mr. Punch's experts are the shadows
cast by coming events, and they prove
their truth by the very action. If the

shadows are before, the light must be
behind.

DEFENCELESS.
SHE called him names .... He writhed,

but yet,

Although his waving arms demurred,
He used no single epithet,
Or angry word.

She called him names .... In such a' case
A gentleman must hold his tongue.

Excuse him if he made a face,
For he was young.

Beside the font, "FlTZGEORGE," she cried,
" BARTHOLOMEW, AUGUSTUS, JAMES ! " ...

It was with all a mother's pride
She called him names.

1T.NVH. OR TIIK LnXDnN CHARIVARI. E*""*" 20. 1907.

A TRAP FOR COUNTRY MICE.
It*. PtmcrtUirr

Ir yon wiah, daar country cousins, to
be really of the centre (aa we say), you
will never think of doing a
banal aa to dine in.
economical; and no one ia ao low as that,
don't you know. Charity may begin
at home, but the cheerful giver has
little scope unless bedines out The new
tent is to make restaurateur* and
rich. If you have any spare cash.

that London ia very careful of heraona

HT Gun TO and daughters, >&' , *j
fear of injuring their digestion, she will
never let them eat or drink
past twelve has etrurk ; although with
her pleasant ironical humour she onan
urangea that her theatres shall not
their hungry audiences until
or later. Dear <>ld Spartan

aoul!

XXXII.

give it to these.
society leader would
pleasure of eating a
writ-cooked dinner at
home at, say. eight chil-
ling* a head, for the
giddy rapture of eating
a worse dinner in puUi.
at a guinea a head and
lialf-a-crown for every
waiter who can prove
that he has looked at
him. and five shillings
to the one who had to
be called for most and

Menu* and

Should yon be dining r supping at

one of the aemi-Sult.iun- restaurants

which constitute the brightest jew. -U in

,-aptivity previous to appearing
t.ihl.-.

CHAPTER XXXIII.
:iurant* and the 1'ren.
On. Id things aU'tit

expensive restaurants is the inability ol
to see dining in then
.,ny one who is really anybody.
graph-" in the newspapers frequently
li.-giu lik.- this :

Ii the near ap|ir.u. Ii -f tl"
Parliament, the channinK dining salons ;it ihe
Savory Restaarant were even full
last evening, some notable faces being seen at
the various tables."
So far the n-jKDrter is on safe ground

To sum up. we have
moved far and faat aince
the days when insular
obacnranlMta declared
-there 'a no 'place like
home." AH tin- laureate
remark* in one of his
moat inapirrd coupleta :
" Unas ktvfimg (oik hare
W b.-lr w its.

TW an at I.lr'l-Kins and
:

SSSSSSStoO*** -S bod, fl,r himself and th, pro-
,.,.- at la* one of the annexes in whu-h rare pri the ffgyttf**^*

passes into It

i, iif euiirsi- a foreigner.
Hut the writer thei-
on to give away with
the left hand all that had
IMI-M ae.|uired l>v tin-
right. For example,
tin- o.lIrluMoli of the

paragraph that i
so promisingly may lie-
as tame as this .

Aiming others dining
were Sir LAMO:
CADGE, Mr. A K
and llerr !

Or again :

"I never reini-inU-r t"
have seen the Stilton > full
of beauty and rank as it
was last night.
Royalty was present at one
table. Among the -ll
known faces were Mm. .1 i> K
.liii!-.' with IIIT husband.
Sir Hi. .11 I'jUK-KlLIEr was
being entertained."

Still, if you really
wish to be m.-nt
there probably are ways

(Hi: I Mill -STWtiKTIIY AIMlvr IN LONDON.

HOTEL. TH CLAM-MOM rot THE CCLTCKB or PEACOCK'S BKAIKR.

Csuma XXXI.

Suffer de (tu-r. THE

Out of courae dinner

ia nothing. The real gilt-odgtd thing to birds, fishes, or beasts are subjected to and means. Pi usually g. -t hat

do ia to have supper in public or rather n s|xt-ial diet with a view to satisfying they want if they want it badly i-ni nigh.
to pay for rapper in puhbY i'iite the requirements of the most exigent \Ve don't say that no one who is really

likely yon will get none. The modern palates. The Savory is famous for its distinguished is ever to be seen at the
fofhtngnfry. lattAntttr i ntmr an happy ,i\ i.iry where, under the vigiliiit care of giltHxlge*! restaurants. It is merely
a* whan he ia paying through the ww a Fellow of the Ornithological Society. tha- ner has bad luck

for a aupper that he will very likely nightingales are fed on mcllinuce a
not art eyes on until it i* against the delicious and sustaining preserve cpm-
law to eat it, washed down by cham- pounded of honey and nuts previous
pane at twice the price he would get to the excision of their tongues, while
it from hia wine merchant. Then you < peacocks are patiently reared for months
aee him really content; bat it i* nut on a special Educator which develops
until all the Lights are suddenly turned their brains to a prodigious extent
out and he baa to grope hia way The Frocadero's speciality is its sturgeon
through the darkness to the cloak-room, tank, where these finny monsters,
where the livened servants have been imported straight from the Volga, are
keeping hia coat far him at_a rental of fed .three times a day on almond

(To be continued.)

Journalistic Candour.
"THI. Ml Niril'AI. JCH'KNAI..

Illustrated.)

Thi* Week'* Ittat cotti.i.n.-
TheChe-.ijH-Mt Oas in the \V,,rld."
Chnu

keeping
a shilling

_ an hour, or 498 a year, that
hie glory ' complete. It ia then that

and mould

. '..:

that he ia a glum of

of form in th<>

Want of Capital.

ii the ulij

came HI l,.-r

*> X^aajsj VM 4UMVU *. **%n>. >n

wedding-cake mothered in Devonshire posstanon, and she has succeeded beyond

cream, while the roof-garden at the .-;*.

a ia remarkable for the enclosur : - in the inexpressible gratiliration

in which moose, armadillos, and other of Mr. Asgrmi and So.tland V:-rl that

succulent rodents are kept in luxurious she did not bring ill'.

FEBRUARY 20, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

133

" WOT ARE TER A-BOLLERIN' 'iM FOB, BlLL ? "
" I 'it GOING TO LISTEN TO 'iM PLAY GOWF ! "

LIMERICK.

HERE goes rny love to Limerick ! 'Tis there that I would be,
In the rare town, the fair town that lies beyond the sea.
Myself and darling Limerick we 've been too far apart,
But the easy town, the breezy town, she always had my heart.

Of all the towns I ever saw, wherever I was set,
There 's only one beneath the sun I never could forget.
1 \r shut my eyes in distant lands, and, oh, my mind was torn,
For I saw the streets of Limerick, the place where I was born.

But I was far away from her, the city of my joy,
Win-re once I wandered light as air, a little barefoot boy.
Sini'i- 1 hen I 've worn the leather out, but never trod so free
As long ago in Lirncrick, the only place for me.

Then- 's few to know the face of me on all the Shannon shore,
To grip my hand and call my name when I return once more ;
lint 1 will rest in Limerick, the dearest place I know,
Until, please God, I'm called at last and get the word to go.

ANNALS OF PHYSICAL RESEARCH ON COMMON-
PLACE CONCEPTIONS.
HI. " THAT A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS."
IT lias often been remarked that from the smallest of
incidents has sprung the greatest of ideas for instance,
gravitation from the fall of an apple.

While watching little THOMAS SAWYER employing his leisure
with his boy friends in some game of skill with those round

stone pellets termed marbles, I remarked, " THOMAS, have you
observed moss form an impediment to perfect revolution ? "
The reply, though couched in somewhat disrespectful
Language, was in the negative, and further inquiry elicited
the following facts which are tabulated :

KIND OF STONE. EXPERIMENTER. AMOUNT OF Moss.

"Commoney" ... THOMAS SAWYER. Nil.

"Blood Alley"... Nil.

"Alley Taw" ... Nil.

These results were sufficiently definite to turn my mind
seriously towards a scientific investigation on the subject.

A certain hill was chosen, and stones of varying nature
rolled down it. The data obtained are given next

KIND.

Pebble

Sapphire

Boulder

TIME IN
ROLLING.

5 sees.
1,000 sees.
1 sec.

WEIGHT

BEFORE.

1-001 gr.

589 gr.

1 cwt.

WEIGHT AMOUNT
AFTER. OF MOSS.
1-001 gr.
589 gr.
1 cwt.

I regret that after the last experiment the police requested
me to desist, so that I was compelled to prosecute further
research by diligent inquiry from a well-known authority.

From SCALUM McALPiNE, Esq., the distinguished Scotch
mountaineer, comes the following observation of an avalanche :
KIND or STONES. WEIGHT. OBJECTS GATHERED.

Numerous. 1,000 tons Cottage,

appro*. Luncheon.

Two guides.
One alpenstock.

The absence of moss from the last column is extremely
conclusive.

VIM H, OR THK LONDON CHARIVABL [fimsta 20. 1907.

\ VI n \VKI:I: in ILK-

was Iwronet with no end nf ancestors.

|< the fur

;.,_. , .. - - , ,
wan <n hi-

AockM.and living in
Kngland in the
twentieth century.

anasoaaUe.

>ir < ii * inti:
as much in the
usual nianiii-r.
whereupon Li-ly
KoWEXa threw liiin
iiver, and h-Mi'-d
instead to tin-
honeyed words of
BRIAN the
Hold Bad One.
Then Sir Gnr gat
him to bed, full of
remorse and the
-pint of liia an-

And he dreamed of the I"**! "Id iKiyswhen he
wouki"havt> issued a h.mghty cliallenge to tin- hiark-hearted
Sir Ikux. and eke have split him through the midriff,

II. The Dream. Up-to-date Sir <li v. in evening dress,
surround'-l l'> m-at-anu, and fair maids, and headman,
and amnrhaLi, and nxm^", and pages, and faithful hounds.
Enter Lady Kowou (" Boni 1 1 7 1 , /.', , real ton* : Emhroidery
withal 1 \ n'*' Club*: none.") to pray for vengeance
against thr \*M Sir BBUX (Club : hmvy one with spikes). The
mortal combat eventually. Sir (irr not feeling at home in
his armour, throws it off, puts on boxing gloves, and knocks
lUrrusG BCIAV out in one round.

An HI. Twen. cent again. Sir CCT wakes up, still full

of hi* drram, and chases the modern Sir HHIAM all over the

ie of the ancestral swords. He also exposes him

far a card-sharper, and a coward, and kicks bun out of the

homo Discomfiture of Sir B . Enthusiasm of Lady

Its.

That is the play ; and it only remains to be said that
Mr. J*w \Vtua wS.rtiiv.

Rill up in your thousands, and laugh. Never mind about
" stage technique " and the "fundamental principles of the
dropm*** art" hut go to Wyndham's and laugh. That,

anyhow, is Mr. I'unrh'* advice.

FBDM an ad-.

may who nrwr ow mrthing ia the wj o(
pi. tMr faita to

. . nd dww TMttull* wooder

uwy kw tWr hair.-

Anyone would low his hair who had been so absurd as to
go about pinning things to water. We don't understand
Uiu paragraph at all

i and rhiiifcun mall
eat* is obwrrad by thi*

"TUTrMfei
sislsiliBi M M

THW is printed at the bead of a carriage builder's account.
The custom k known M "driving a carriage and pair
through an CarliMneot" We do hope the firm will

THK SI.KVANT (>K THK ITIlI.H'.

["Tb* new Khn: h orderwl telephone to t*

! a |.uMir Niuare, to that any of hi* aubjccU
may ring lum up." OsstrMT.]

'I'n. ii <.)! All.ili lias set me m ml.- almir
With IH.WIT Mi|.n-nie mi tin- r.-.io-k Thrane,

Though hea.Umen, KT\\I\ as ^rim ran
Will c-hi'p ufl vi'iir ht-.ul at :-. wink fnun Hi",
Though thumb-screws, racks an 1 1 dungeons dark
Awuit the wreteh I may i-hiinr.- t.> mark,
Though Imiling "ii at the tortun-
I- always n-.nly fn-m ten to four,
hese I seldom fly^
A higld\ IN nevi'lent tyrant I.

my aim to rule tin- land
With rather li*n of tin 1 inm hand.
And nit her more of the \, lv-t gl-
In short, to govern my folk l>y love.
I want to know what my i>ii>|'lo think.
Whether they've plenty to cat and drink,
Whetl.i r the taxes cause complaint,
Whether they 'n- happy or whether they ain't ;
And RO I 've connected the Pi-.u-.ick Throne
With a brand-new popular telephone.
And if any one finds there's :i dreg in his cup,
1 Ie lias nothing to do but to ring me up.

I >f courso, when I 've summoned the ( Jrand YJ/i>T

To state his views in my private ear,

When we're drafting diplomalic notes,

i 'r settling the question of women's votes,

< >r how the new Parliament ought to meet,

And whether l^alKiur should have a seat

Of oiiir-e. I say, 1 am always h;i|

When trille* like these are on the tnplt,

To hear the cheery and welcome tone

i if the telephone 1-11 at the Peacock Throne.

you there ? " cries a voice, and I seem to see
The lily-white damsel who calls to me,

\re you there, dear Sinn V I want your aid
For a very unhappy and love-lorn maid.
I love 1 1 Aiiot N, and I rather guess
From the curious manner of his address,
From the way he fidgets and stares at the ceiling,
That HABOUN reciprocates the feeling.
But when I try, as a maiden may,
To bring him to book, he grows dint mil,
And flushes and blushes and runs aw i
So I want you to hint to llu i s. your Highness,
There's really no need for Mich terrihle shyness."
I readily promise my help, and soon
She switches me on to the youth H.utotm ;
I 'phono him some fatherly kind advice,
The matt ! d in half a ti

And I sleep with a glow of sali>facl
At having performed such a nice good action.

And if some wag with a taste for fun,
As he lurches home at half-past one.

Id ring me up from my l>ed to shout,
" Wi-ll. Sllvlt, is your mother aware you 're out?"
Am I angry? No! Rejoiced my folk
Possess such an c\, ,]!, ; [ a j,,k.>,

I greet the wag with a loud " Ha. ha ! "
I am such a humorous kind of Shah.

LOH> CHABU8 BanrDRD'8 "<vimm/." accord ing |0 77,
Spectator, turns out to be a tame duck after all, hut a little
high with keeping. Hence the mistake.

FEBRUARY 20, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

135

DODGE-MUD, AND HOW TO

PLAY IT.
A GAME FOR A RAINY DAT.

DODGE-MUD is a game for Londoners
in London. Played properly it is better
than Golf; it is cheaper and affords
more occasions for self-control. No
apparatus is required beyond a pocket-
knife and ;i clothes-brush to remove the
niud after each game, and no special
costume is necessary, although the
interest and excitement will be increased
i!' you happen to be playing in your best
clotlics. It is a game within the reach
of all city clerk, retired colonel, seam-
stress and leader of fashion. Everyone
who can walk can play. All that is
i-ei|iiin>d is rain; '14 of an inch is
sullicieiit on roads laid down under
IWough contracts, but the more the
rain the faster the game.

Dodge-mud is an out-door game, and
can be played in any London street.
It can be played on the way to and from
the daily work ; few games have this
advantage.

Any one can play excepting sandwich-
and police-men. They cannot ; they
can only look on.

The game is played with mud.

There are two sides. You are one,
called the Dodger. Bus-men, coachmen,
chauffeurs and all other drivers of
vehicles are the other ; they are called
the Splashers.

It is the object of the Splashers to
get the mud out of the road on to the
Dodger. The Dodger tries to dodge it.

Splashers may only drive through the
mud ; they may not use their whips or
any other implement.

A Dodger may only use two methods :

(1) The dodge-direct, which consists in
springing lightly back or to one side.

(2) The dodge-indirect, which is simply
taking shelter behind stationary objects,
such as pillar-boxes, policemen and
ladies waiting to cross the road, or
moving objects, such as sandwich-men
and pedestrians. The dodge-indirect is
more dignified and better suited to
crowded thoroughfares.

A Dodger entering a hackney coach,
club, cabman's shelter or any covered
space, is considered to have lost the game.

A Dodger may not use an umbrella.

Mud should be carefully scraped off
after each game to prevent confusion.

A game consists of 25 points over a
distance of half a mile.

The scoring is as follows :

A hit in the eye 7

Do. on the collar or any part of
the face other than the eye ... 5

All other hits, for each spot 1

A pattern (a complete splash of
five or more spots) 10

No hit counts which is less than one
foot from the bottom of the trouser.

Lady (meeting servant whom she had recommended for a situation). "I All GLAD TO UEAE

THAT YOU ABE GETTING ON SO WELL IN YOUR NEW PLACE. YOUR EMPLOYER IS A NICE LADT, AND
YOU CANNOT DO TOO MUCH FOB HER."

Servant (innocently). " I DON'T MEAN TO, MA'AM."

Horse-drivers give the best game
because, besides wheels, they have
horses, and horses have feet, which they
must put down to get along. Of horse-
drivers, bus-drivers are best because
bus-horses have big feet. A good
driver will not miss a single puddle.

The fastest game is obtained from
the ordinary wood pavement the kind
with holes in it but the beginner is
advised to commence on asphalte or
macadam and not to be disheartened.
Just at first, he is pretty sure to be
repeatedly hit on the collar or in the
eye, and will do weU to remember that
even experts do not expect to escape
without one or two chance hits.

The dodge-direct requires only agility.
To take cover intelligently requires
ingenuity and judgment. Choosing

your occasion to move swiftly between
stationary objects is quite a feature of
the game. When using policemen, en-
deavour to cloak your intention. In
using other pedestrians, do not hug*
them, rather hang on| them, and move
behind at the right moment. Here j udg-
j ment is required, as some people resent
| a stranger walking close to them, and
will increase or slacken their pace
suddenly ; this leaves you unprotected,
as to follow suit is to court inquiry,
which takes your attention off your
! game.

For the rest, do not rush your cross-
ings, and look out for the Catherine-
wheel effects of the motor omnibus.
i Remember that Splashers may come up
i from behind ; listen as well as look.
* Nautical. | Racing.

PUNCH, OB THB LONDON CHARIVARI ' 7

THE BETTER HALF.

OU LaJy (la tin n*ir Viir' Wife). "OH TES, MUM, I'rs 'ID MY ITS AND
*rrEi 'AD WHAT TOO MAT CALL A BUIOCB TBODBLB. I'n OKLI LOST TWO

OUR MODERN SOLOMONS.

THE eminent diplomat and litterateur,
Mr. LJC QCECX, whose latest masterpiece
is adorning the pages of The lUtutratrd
Mail, is, as his myriad readers are well
aware, the master of a style at once terse
yet lambent, pithy yet pathetic. In a
recent issue of the journal in question a
few specimens of his Laconic, or perhaps
we should say lecunic eloquence, are
given, under the winsome title of
" Lequeoxiams : "

"And the tight I saw was stranger
than any man has ever dreamed."

"Babbling Belgram is far removed
from busy Brixton."

The world has a abort memory."

"A smiling face conceals many a

l_A_ L _ *

- . . :

WUk paupers smile millionaires

Mr. LE QfEtrx is no doubt facile

princrpt in the art of coining these

1 soul-shaking aphorisms, in which the

greatest possible amount of philosophy,

j poetry and experience is packed into an

infinitesimal compass by the hydraulic

pressure of his massive mentality. But

there are other writers who follow in

his path, hand nutibut aquit it is

' in Mill with occasional moments

of illuminative inspiration. Foremost

amongst these is, perhaps, Mr. MAX

PEMBUTOV, from whose romances we

have culled a sheaf of representative

" Max-ims."

"Audacity often precipitates a cata-
strophe."

"It is a far cry from Mayfair to
Peckham Rye."

" The world knows little of its most
LDustrious herow."

" The sudden elevation of the impecu

nious is seldom attended by lasting
prosperity."

" Two and two make four."

Mr. !;::(.!: llAGOARD is responsible for
the following crude forecast of the
masterly epigram of Mr.

(jil'ited ill.

"And then a strange thing

paaad."

wise, witty, and tender saying.s
of Mr. SILAS K. HH'KIV; are as innumer
ahle as the sand on the seashore, but the
fi "Mowing may serve as exam]

" If you want \oiir kettle to l.il, avoid
keeping your attention fixed upon it."

" There are few things more beautiful
than an infant's smile.'

" No man is poor who has a sound
digestion and a good ten

" The further we are from England
the nearer we are to other parts of the
ba"

SHAN'T.
(A Point in Feminine T elf grammar.)

[The Post Office authorities (according t"
un article by Mr. HEXHIKER II EATON in Pearson'*
Weekly for Keb. 21) hare recently yielded to
his agitation, with the result that the contrac-
tion " shan't "which he describes aa a ladies'
word, and far more used by the gentle sex
than by men is now for telegraphic purposes
regarded as one word instead of two.]

THERE is a little wayward word

That won't agree or give or grant,
A negative too often heard

The female " shan't ! "

" I won't ! " a man will flatly say,

Or helplessly admit he can't ;
But ladies have another way

They always " shan't."

It sounds schoolgirl ish, more or less,

And somehow doesn't quite enchant,
To hear, when you 're expecting Yet,
"I simply shan't ! "

But now, at any rate, there 's joy

For each man's sister, niece, or aunt ;
They still more freely may employ
Their favoured "shan't. '

A ha' penny 's saved whene'er they send
This torn with telegrammar scant ;
Nor need we further pains expend
J'iscURsing " '"

Look at this ! !

" A Countess (genuine) will write her auto-
graph or paint beautiful floral sprays in allium*.
etc. for charity. Autograph (only) M., spray
If." Biaaar.

" AUTOGRAPH or spray, Sir ? " a*
say at the barber's.

" Young Lady (Protestant) requires situation
as Post Office Assistant" total Paper.

YKT there are hardened men about
who can buy a [d. stamp off a Roman
Catholic without even blushing.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 20, 1907.

TETHEKED.

MR. PUNCH (wearied by annual delay over the Debate on the Address). "NOW, SHI, YOU HAVE GREAT
ADVENTURES BEFORE YOU. WHY DON'T YOU CUT THE ROPE AND START?"
C.-B. " WE 'RE ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO HANG ABOUT A BIT AT FIRST."
MR. PUNCH. "THEN THE SOONER YOU MAKE A CHANGE THE BETTER."

FEBRUARY 20, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

139

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.I'.

House of Commons, Tucmlinj, l-'cb. 12.
PRlNTEAlt'niuii, rising toopen cainpiiign
of the new Session, \v;is discovered, to
delight of crowded audience, to be in
line fighting form. At outset of speech
on Address, he, liy exuberance of praise
of moderation and good taste of Mover
and Seconder, dexterously dealt a back-
handed blow at one of their predecessors
of last Session, who seized the oppor-
tunity to enter the field of political
controversy.

Had something to say about recess
procedure of several of His Majesty's
Ministers. None he personally admires
more than ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRKLL, whom
the new Session finds separated from
the Education Office by the unplumb'd,
salt, estranging sea. Always convenient
and useful for a Leader, whether on Trea-
sury Bench or in quarters on other side
of the Table, to have one in the adver-
sary's camp who may be unreservedly
applauded. It gives air of impartiality
to attack on his colleagues. Another
Minister whom PRINCE ARTHUR, with the
sympathy of a keen fighter, admires,
without personal liking, is LLOYD-GEORGE.
Had several things to say of " the ubiqui-
tous PRESIDENT OF BOARD OF TRADE."

Most delightful reference of all was
flashed upon the figure of new Minister
to Washington. Referring to BRYCE'S

. , ,

"A CASE FOE EVICTION."

(Is this Lord CI-nr-o-rde ? -If not, it ought
to be!)
(Seen on Wimbledon Common, Feb. 1907.)

TIIE LATEST DF.UCACY AT THE "CARI.TON."

" Repatriation (iu the New Hebrides) had peculiar difficulties ... It was like repatriating
the Under-Secretary to the Colonies to the other side (Laugtiter). If they popped him down
on one side of the island he was admired, respected, and cheered ; but on the other side he
was eaten (Loud laughter)." (Sir Ch-rl-s D-lke's speech).

speech on Irish University Education
(no one seems quite sure whether it was
delivered before or after he had quitted
the Irish Office), described him as
" retiring from the fighting line, shouting
' No Surrender ' at the top of his voice
and nailing his flag to someone else's
mast."

"That," says the MEMBER TOR SARK,
" is th<ibest thing said in the House on
the same lines since, years ago, at a
serious turn of the conflict between the
Parnellites and police authority, PARNEIA
suddenly disappeared and was heard of
in Paris. HAROOURT applied to him the
quotation :

He fled full soon on the first of June,
And bade the rest keep fighting."

Where PRINCE ARTHUR tripped was
when he permitted natural indignation
at the iniquity of the Government to
carry him over exceedingly thin ice.
Looking down the KING'S Speech, he
observed no reference to approaching
visit of Colonial Premiers. With voice
quavering with indignation, which found
echo in the pained moan of gentlemen
behind him, he commented on " this
amazing omission." " How His Majesty's

Government can look forward to the
meeting of the Prime Ministers of the
Colonies within the next few weeks and
yet make no reference to the event in the
Speech, I confess," he cried, throwing
up his hands with gesture of despair,
" passes my understanding."

Recovering from momentary depres-
sion which contemplation of this iniquity
gathered round him, and resuming atti-
tude of active attack, he sternly reproved
C.-B. for ambiguity in the matter of his
views on the question of Free Trade,
forced to endeavour to construe C.-B.'s
meaning from the attitude of his
colleagues, " I really don't know where
I am," PRINCE ARTHUR confessed, shaking
his head sadly over a man with soul so
dead that he was not able to make himself
understanded of the people on question
of Tariff Reform.

Long time since crowded House has
enjoyed such prolonged bout of laughter
as this sally evoked. Meanwhile PRINCE
ARTHUR, with countenance on which
sorrow softened anger, regarded the
roaring host opposite. If, in a matter
of this importance, they could make light
of the criminal laches of their Leader,

140

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL_ [Eterom 20, 1907.

be amid only regret it. It was i.

'.. abo in excellent form.
.... -

of manuscript, be rrHum.il the

- '

bssure bis spirits were damped
by the task of Leader of a .1.
Opposition. Pmc* ARTHVR had twice
-

firrt plaoe from failure of memory,
the second bun what, if the phrase
were Parliamentary, might be described
M pore devilry. C.-B. treated him with
that softened the
blow of hia disarming awutu.

the fact that twice under

in responsibility of which
PRTMX ARTBTR had tarn share, in

1802, Colonial Premiere met in
in Ixmdon. But there was
ee to the event in Speech from
Throne. "That being BO," C.-B. added.
with friendly nod acroM the Table, " we
did not like to obtrude our shabby
little share of interest in the Colonies."

This retort courteous waa unexpected,
and therefore most effective. The House,
by outburst of hilarity, hail anticipated
rejoinder on complaint about ('.It'-
.mil. i^uity of declaration of position on
Tariff Question. But Tariff Iteformers
seated behind Front Opposition Bench
grinned afresh when C'.-B., leaning
across Table, amid with genial smile,
" What the House and the country want
to know is not my views on the Free
Trade Question, which are simple and
ordinary, bat the views of right hon.

raised sheer ignorance. Only one
iles; to Mr. WEIR'S per*

,-ertainly not new. But what

in (ilaagow OB if it
were spelled "opucyli.il!
As far as Mr dd make ><

was fairly
looted, somebody (probably the

ADVOCATE) had < i .1 was adminis

ering a syatem of indentured l.ilmir in

1,-s. Tlu- term*

ment, he gathered, invulved a eoodiUon

: atriutioii at is a thin;;

no Scot who respects himself ami truly

ores hi country will wilmiit to. He

dtme. Session opened.
Address moved in both Houses.

MWiMc&iy. Mr. WEIR never so sur-
prised in his life. On Monday came
south at some expenditure of bawbees
in obedience to his Leader's summons
to be in his place to discuss " matters
of grave importance." No secret about
their character. First and foremost was
duly of bringing House of Lords to
knee. Hills severally dealing with
those ticklish topics, Ireland and Licens-
ing, on the Agenda. A docen others
conu-mplated ; but these will serve.

Address moved yesterday; debate
resumed this afternoon. Mr. WEIR has
an amendment or two up hia sleeve
dealing with inadequate postal fa>
in the Orkneys, the misdoing of a gun-
boat in the Minch, and the proposed
opening of a tall ehani.mt at Cape
Wrath. These by-and-by. To begin
with would say a few words, whether on
Lord*, licensing, or Home Rule, accord -
a on* or other might turn

in at 4 o'clock, he discovered

the New

Labour quasi ions

bytheadjectmbedidnotknow. Sur

AT THE BAR.

Haldane has been at the War Office little
more than twelve month*, and behold this
Kinking change."

will cross the Tweed, come to London
become in turn Prime Minister and
Leader of the Opposition, or vice-verA
But repatriation he will not submit to.

Case before the House was, moreover
complicated by considerations unknown
in Ross and Cromarty. According to
DII.KF. - whose sound up-to-date encyclo-
paedic knowledge makes him mud
better worth circulating (with or withoir
revolving bookcase) than some volum. -
of which we wot repatriation might IM
carried out in the II. -In nude

conditions of extren . -.n.

i," he *..

are not popular with their chief wh-
am expatriated. Sending them Kick t.
>wn country is like repatriating
WnsjTOH CHCRCHH.L. If you land re-

>:itriati-<l nativt-8 on one ci"li- of tli.'ir

tliry will !>.' r. i i\. .1 \\itli
lativix aii'l fri-Tnls. If you lain! tin-in
m tli. tli.-y '11 !> .Mt.-n."

Mr. WK.III was ii>lia-t. Hi- km-v.

unl South. Tin- i-laml of L \vi.-
iraa almost as familiar (> him its the
.niiitry runnel I/n-h MaPf. llnn^.-r. a*
iiftni totitiiil, \\.i-* ii"t nnfamihar

tin- crof- .niliali-ii.

inknoxvn. Must go out ami .
if this Bin.- 15.>k he observc<l in -v. ry
iiatnl. Ifcirk il'px-kly.
niegtdont. Talking round about.

17 niijlit. RcmarkaMc example

if the inllnenee of asaociatiim in monld-

ng the appearance of a man is suppli. !

n tin- case of the Secretary of State for

iVar. S imc of us have known HAIJ>VM.

.hrough the more than a quarter of a

vntury he has represenUxl llaililin^ton-

shire at \Ve-itminster. Throughout that

ime he had the Chancery Bar look and

nanner, varied l>y a timln;- siiKtly p. r

vading the figure of a Founder of the

Iritish Science Cuild for the Propaga-

Kxact Thinking.

Looking at him to-night as he stood
or a few moments at the Bar in the
ittitude of " Attention !" occasionally
unconsciously dropping his left hand
to hia thigh as if fivlin;; for tin- accus-
tomed sword, one was struck by his
remarkable personal likeness to thr
Emperor NAPOLEON. If he would culti-
vate (more Seatico on a little oatmeal a
longer growth of hair to the front, curl
a lock over his forehead, and ride down
;. de liivoli to pay a visit to Les
Invalides, he would create a Revolution
in Paris. In addition to facial expres-
sion, he strengthens the illusion Ky
appearance of something of that cmbtm-
]>int that pleasingly marked the figure
of the great EMPEBOB in later years.

Thus wonderful are the workings of
Nature. HAIJ>AXE has been at tin- War
Office little more than twelve months,
and behold this striking change.

Iiufine*donr. Still on the Address.

IT will be remembered that the Hight
Hon. JOHN BURNS, M.P., speaking at

U-uisham last week, said that he wanted
U-wisham "to return the son of his
father." We have reason to U-lievi-
that, irn-i f party feeling, the

n of b-wi-ham are p~"l\ed I..
mmjily with thin request at all cost*.
While Mr. Bfitxs will doiihtless be
gnitilied liy this expression of the regard
which the people of lywisham have fur
him. he is likely to t>c troiililed by the
nism of Women Suffragists, who
see in this advice a weakening of his
sympathy with their movement. We
understand that Battersea is soon to be
aroused by the battle-cry, " Vote for
the Daughters of their Mothers."

FEBRUARY 20, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

141

Master of Beaglet. " Hi ! HAS OUR BEATEN HARE PASSED YOC ? "
Gipsy. " NEVER NO 'ARE AIN'T PASSED ME, MISTER ! "

THE INVISIBLE PLAYMATE.

[One of the stipulations in the INHAX-
HAKVEKSON billiard match is that when one is
pluving the other must not sit at the top of
the table. Daily Paper.]

WKEN PEALL, with dire, relentless cue,
I lad scored 3,000 off the spot,

Which seemed a simple thing to do,
Yet took a lot

Of doing, then by general consent

The spot was told to go, and forthwith
went.

Then IVES contrived the balls to pen

With a pocket's orifice,
And cannoned on for weeks, till men

Exclaimed, "No, this
Is not what we call billiards " on the

card

Of rides was writ the legend "Jam-
stroke Barred."

When ROBERTS in his turn displayed
Uncompromising pushfulness,

Another barrier was made
Men said, " I guess

This push-stroke fakement will not do
for us,

It makes the game far too monotonous."

And now we find that lesser men

INMAN and HARVERSON, to wit-
Contrive to bar the spot again ;

One may not sit
Where t'other, with a 1,000-break in

view,
May catch his eye, and balefully miscue.

A hut, a handy hut on wheels,
Painted some unobtrusive hue,

Is just the thing, this foozler feels,
Granted a true

And trusty caddie, posted at the door,

Which, opening, letting in, lets out no
more

This careful stipulation serves Until with confident address,

To demonstrate conclusively Secure from SNOOKS' malefic gaze,

That stark professionals have nerves, I give the tap no more, no less

Like you and me, Which on its ways

Who grunt, " Confound that marker's (Admire the metaphor in this last line)

yawn (or cough),
I knew he would be sure to put me off."

Will HARVERSON, condemned to stay
Without the INMAN line of sight,

KVi ire, when he is not in play,
To couch forthright

Beneath the table, till the marker calls,

" Sir, it is now your turn to nurse the
balls?"

From INMAN and from HARVERSON

I take a lesson to the links,
Where I have lost by two and one,

Or more, methinks,

All for the lack of some convenient hut,
Wherein to gaol my partner while I putt.

Launches the
shrine.

pillule to its destined

The Lost Millions.
THE accountants who have been at
work night and day for some weeks at
Tlic Times office have now sent in their
report, showing the following sums that
have been lost by famous authors owing to
their misfortune in having existed before
The Times Book Club was started :

W.SHAKSPEARE 106

J. MILTOS 2 8

E. A. POE 10,000 15

HARRISON AINSWORTH 58,000 3

M. F. TOPPER 1,496,132 16 6

PUNCH,

THK LONDON CHAKIVAIM.

20. 1907.

CROSS-EXAMINING A SUFFRAGIST.

1Aiumr. She u a

Becnse she hM gone to

Mr. I'**,),. Who M Mm F
toble umrl yr.

Why is she a noble martyr ?
iriaon far the Gaaaw.

Why wa* sh* sent to prixmT-For insisting on her righto
n Parliament Souarr.

K..r kicking policemen in Parliament Square? Feasibly ;
I was not present.

I. let us aay. far behaving in an unwomanly way?-
Sbe aacrificed heraelL She w a martyr.

I aw. Suppose that I behave in an unmanly way on
of Tariff Reform, am I a martyr? You dont
.

It it a little difficult. You talk about the Cause, What
u the CWe ? -Woman's Suffrage.

Do women want the suffrage?- Miss PAXKHCBST 3 martyrdom
TOUT answer.

Ought women to have the suffrage? Why else is Miss
PmanBT in prison ?

I understand that Hiss PAXKHVBBT need not have gone to
prison. Was there not some mention <>f a fine instead ? She
anted to show that she was prepared to suftVr for tin- Cause.

Let us be quite clear about this. There are a few million

Tmr* , England. I understand that, if Mias PJLVKHUIWT
had paid the 21.. those million women would not have
wanted the suffrage; hut that as she has gone to prison
that shown that they do want it. Is that right ? Well.
of course, if -

Let us take a particular case. Let us take the case of
Miss Ifcmrx, of Halham, say. Now we don't know a bit
whether she wants the vote, do we ? No.

- whether she is a fit person to have it? N-no.

And if Miss PAXKHI R>r had paid her 21*. we should still
in mate ( um> rt.iinty about MissBaOWX? (Noatuvxr.)

But because Miaa PuBBDaWl lias gone to prison, we now

p with tremendHis clearness that Miss BBOWH both wants
and is entitle! t<> tlie vote. That is so, is it not? Mi
l'i\ KIII RST is speaking for the women of Kngland generally
n..t for Miss Daowx in particular.

All. yea. Then no doubt the women of England have
giv.ii her pernwKiua to speak for them? They have written
to her, perhaps? All those millions have written to Miw
Pi\Kiira9T to aay that - . Of course she hasn't luid a
milli<m letters.

How many has she had ? What do you mean ?
A tlxiuKaixl ? -i Vo annrer.)
What 1 am asking you is this. How many women have
given Miss PAXKRCBST permission to represent them?
Represent them where ?

Well, in Parliament Square. Or in Holloway. (ATi
mutter.)

A thousand? Miss PiXKHOasr speaks fur all women who
want the vote. Of course I don't know exactly how many
that is.

her do I. And each
disturbance or goes to prison,
number, do w. supo

'
we get

Mupl-.**-

Miaa PAXKBUBBT make* a

no nearer to the rea

And no nearer to the rights and wrongs of the suffrage
question ? - < \o anrrr.)

And so, after all, we come down to thia that, when Miss
PAMUOW goes to prison, our deductions can only concern
Misa PAXKBLIHT? You deduce, of course, that Miss Pun
mam wants the vote.

so. Now, as regards the question of the :
think we may f it like tl paid tin

fine, we might feel doubtful about h-
enthnsiaam on behalf of her opinions, but that if she wen

, ..,..-.,., r. .!-: I -~ --.! 1

ualities. Is that right? Ye*. It prove*

jauff. r f..r h.-r faith.

To sul' r faith. Exactly. And the greater the

ffering, the grea her faith ? ^ >mly.

, . . ... : i astatttM be

. ,-.,.;-. V. M

She would be miserable if she wen- bud up with an
linens, and unable ! Lad you against tlio House of
.'omrnons? Absolutely miserable,
And I suppose the fact that other women wen

heir nain.it in the papers, and making gr.-.it de i-t ration-.

nd going rhivrfully to martyrdom, would only make it more
)itter for her as she" Kit idly at home? t ill, yes, it would.
She would suffer acutely, in fact ? "l
I want to have this CMUT. Her sufferings would I..-

B such a cose as I have' mentioned? Very gre.it
ndecd. I can imagine nothing worse for her.

And the greater the suffering, the great, r the proof of her
aith in the

Thank you. That is my case.
Hi* lordship then dV/uvn-./ ]n.ljm,-i * f,Jlmr.t :
That Miss PAHKHUB8T and her family should show their
aith in the cause by suffering in the w.iv BUggeated by
/r. I'uncli. That they should stay quietly at home for a
vhile k.-ep out of the new.-paj.ers arrange no demon

to no prison; seeing that this would be a much
ruer and more effective martyrdom than anything they had
lone as yet.

"And." continued hi- l^nUiij.. waxing eloquent, " if time
langs heavy on their hands

" Are there no beggars at the gate,
N.ir any poor about the lands?
Oh ! teach the orphan-boy to read.
Or tcacli tin- orphan-girl to sew,
Pray Heaven for a Woman'* heart,
And let the Woman's Suffrage go."

THE MOTOR AND THE MATIN HE.

WK had a tiff and so we chose to ride,

JACK on the roof to soothe his rage by smoking,

I till the jH-trol vanquished me inside.
. I \. K really i- ly provoking

Why should he make all this old-maidish fuse
1 choose to board a motor-bus ?

: was my escort to a wui/iwV

\Vc patronised the j'it and 1. unwilling
IVlilierately thus to throw away

I'l-.n a cab the all too nimble shilling.
Informed him firmly that my choice wa.- made,
And bid him hail the bus, so he obeyed.
The pavement 8toxl in need of some repair ;

The going could not be described as easy;
The driver wore a look of anxious care;

The roads were most abominably greasy,
And we betrayal the fact can not 1 hid
An unmistakable desire to skid.

Down in the Strand a hansom drew across,

< dirrenr brakes shrieked, the air was thick with curses
I thought our Vanguard was a total loss;

I know we suffered three complete reverses;
Hut at the (iimiily where we w.re due
Ity great good luck we charged the waiting queue.
A clinging lamp JHM! served to chii-k our run

e mowed it down, but it declined to leave us),
\Ve were shot off like bullets from a gun
.luM at the (|.>TS which opened to receive us.
I justified, for. as it ended.
1 places we secured wen- siiiij.lv splendid !

FEBRUARY 20, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAKL

143

CHARIVARIA.

A RECENT occurrence at Woolwich, has
proved that, in spite of rumours to the
contrary, the nation is in possession of
a very satisfactory explosive. At the
same time it is a debatable point
whether the authorities need have taken
such drastic
public.

measures to reassure the

By the by, some idea may be formed
of the force of the explosion from the
statement in the Press that it has
thrown three or four hundred men out
of employment.

Many residents on hearing the noise

.Many persons muut have noticed the
grave and -worried air which the members
of the Army Council were recently wear-
ing. The shrewder ones amongst us
who guessed that a matter of some import
was being discussed have turned out to
be right. It is now announced that the
Army Council have decided to reduce the
proportion of war equipment camp kettles
to one for every twenty-four men.

The Dickens Fellowship is investi-
gating the claim of Sudbury, Suffolk,
to be the " Eatanswill " of Tlie Pickwick

Sins' of Society, he having 1 been so
fortunate as to discover recently half-a-
dozen capital new vices. We trust that
the new series will prove as entertaining
and as great a, success as the previous

one.

The Registrar-General's Report shows
that there is a decreasing demand for
widows in the marriage-market, and it
is prophesied, that they will gradually
die out.

A medical paper mentions the case of

Papers. We have reason to believe that : a woman who, after an operation, kept a
the Government feels hurt that no appli- 1 pair of forceps in her body for ten and
cation was made to it to appoint a Royal a half years. They have now been

of the explosion be-
came panic-stricken,
as they were under
the impression at
first that a new
route for motor-
omnibuses had been
opened, and that
the vehicles were
passing their doors.

Commission on the subject.

recovered, and, as

Burglars have
stolen a number of
valuable paintings
and objets d'art
from the residence
of Mr. CHARLES
WERTHEIMER. It is
most gratifying to
see a love of art
springingup among
our criminal classes,
and there can be
little doubt that a
large amount of the
credit is due to the
educational influ-
ence of the increas-
ing number of
museums and free
picture galleries in
the poorer quarters
of London.

it was the woman's
first offence, it is
thought that no
further action will
be taken in the
matter.

After being
totally blind for
twenty-five years, a
Baltimore minister,
says The New York
Herald, has re-
covered his sight
by a fall on the ice.
The first things he
saw were, we under-
stand, stars.

THE BOY'S POINT OF VIEW.

Injured Urchin. "'ERE! DON'T TOU oo m THERE, MATEY. IT'S A BLOOMIN' SWINDLE!

LAST NIOBT, HE AND 'iM WAS SWINOIN 1 RIGHT UP 'iQH, WHEN IT BROKE. I GOT 1IE ARM AND EYE
BUSTED, 'E GOT TWO TEETH KNOCKED ODT ; AND WOT DO YOB THINK ? TlIE STINGY BLOKE WOULDN'T
GIVE US ANOTHER OO FOR THE SAME PENNY ! "

With reference to the WERTHEIMER
Burglary we have received a letter point-
ing out that, the day after the burglary,
Tin'. Daily Mail published a diagram
showing exactly how it was done, as
well as sketches of the pictures, and
our correspondent leaves us to draw
our own inferences as to where he
would look for the thief.

It is significant, by the way, that the
journal in question, in its account of the
affair, says : " Mr. WERTHEIMER himself
was the last of the occupants of the
house to go to bed on the night of the
burglary." This is an obvious attempt,
our correspondent thinks, to throw
people off the scent.

Mr. GEORGE HENRY WILLIAM LEWIS,
who was
Sessions

convicted at the
November last,

Middlesex

has been

released from prison, and is expecting
hourly to be called to fill an important
position on the staff of The Daily Mail.

Permission has now been given to
the Judges of the King's Bench Division
to wear their smart red robes on an
additional number of days. Dandies !

"The Pluckiest Act of the Year" is
the title which an ungaLlant contem-
porary is said to have given to an account
of the marriage of a Suffragette.

Father VAOGHAN has arranged to give
a further series of six addresses on the

P.T.O. draws at-
tention to a scurvy
trick played on the
late Sergeant-Major
DICKSON. "Thevivid
narrative," says our
contemporary,
"that used to im-
press his hearers
while drinking his
glass of toddy in a
little Fifeshire inn
is related in this
month's Chambers'

Journal." No words of ours can ade-
quately express our contempt for those
false friends who, while the old gentle-
man was engrossed in his tale, drank
his liquor.

" Eighteen miles is the longest distance at
which a man's roice has been heard. This
occurred at the Grand Canon of the Colorado,
where a man shouting ' Bob ' at one end was
plainly heard at the other, 18 miles away."
Cassell's Saturday Journal.

THIS works out at a mile and a-half
for a penny, so it isn't so wonderful
after all.

"The two small woolsacks immediately
opposite the Throne were filled by Judges."
Morning Post.

What the public wants to know is
(l)Why? (2) What with?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ril.MUVARL [ftauun 20. 1907 -

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By .Vr. Puneh't &aff of learned
MAX who ia of mingW Irwh and gipsy blood and is
rd after a Greek island haa a better chance than moat

- : .:

idle-

] .. . :-. -.

l.ui he waa American

wr itt,.u I,, t-.i-i.dly to F riviiiasoiis. Archil. i-t. and

! iniii-ii.illv stimulating

Tin- heni. lirought up in a cathedral <1
inothrr ' : g.-ntle. with sm<- .lh hair and B

church ii.---.ll. work." e.irly showed signs of architectural
ahilily. which Dinted the way to Italy. lint that

i the worthy J>ean. his father, who " believed that

implied a Univeraity education,'

him iliMead to Kehle, "a college which sii'in- d likely to
urage a well hn-d orthodoxy, without providing further

food for architectural enthusiasm." In the "bustling ; -"-'

w HKJUDI' life baa now been told
-k,!! l.y hi* friend ELIZABETH
DHLUTX and ia arnt forth by
OoWTtfU in two volume*.
of which the greater part
of lettera. I reeoro-
thc book to all who
for the adTenturea of
a diatinguiahed and acutely
honeat intrllert in the n*n-h
for peace of aooL

,-at Golffrt in thf

Makiaa (MCTBIEV) ia a capital

example of a good i<l>-.t
happily carried out. Mr.
IXMII haa induced thirty-
four famoua playera. amateur
and profeaeional, from <>1<1
Ton llnaua, the honoured
doyen of the game, down to
the youthful ex-amateur
champion, Mr. A. (i. Humv.
to talk al>ut themaelves,
and they liare reaponded to
hia allurinff invitation with
alacrity. Moat golf era are
journaliaU nowadaya, and
wield the pen aa easily aa
the driver, but, aa ao often
happena, the moat engaging
rmulta are achiered by the
nnakilled penman, and there
ia nothing better in the book
than the artleaa narrative of
old TOM Moo*, with iu
delightful digreaaiona on hia

first church, and the Mruggle in his mind
U-twi-en the ciu.tit of the
Beautiful and the earthly
love which seemed to him a

hlx-k, is finely

and described. The

book is often iuy.-tic.il. always
suggestive, and Mr. I
im.l.s jMiw.-r of delicate hut
inci.-ive ridicule is constantly
cropping up in the most un-
d places.

' I 'ill TOO 'at ACTIX'

'Yet. I 'a riur

OX TBS STAGE, BlI.l.T ? "

u THE rtorr HIKE!'

mitiation in

the

Mr. ABOUBALD

latcet novel, l-'.ft<m

(At8i< - 'V ( '".. <>*.)i is,

iii my judgment, l>y far the
best tiling he lias >l<>ne as
yet It has all tin- humour
and sense of character, tin-
same fairness in stating ami
making allowance for opposite
jx)iuts of view, that \\
conspicuous in his IMnird
lt<ild<-k, while, as a st.
is infinitely Letter omstr
balanced and d 1 than

its predecessor. The main
idra -an elderly pe>
well-mean i UK but autocratic,
coming, with the l-st and
most benevolent intent i
the world, to live in a ;
ful Hampshire village, and
succeeding only, to her sur-
prise and dismay, in setting

practice of all the inhabitants by the ears - is full of humcrOUl i>ossi-

anoking and' the reaaon why he did not become a mason, hiliti.-s of which the author has taken every advantage.
On the other hand the moat practised writer among all There are situations that, with a little less tact in handling,
golfers, Mr. lloucc HimHino*, givea ua a capital chapter on might easily have jarn-d on the reader, hut which arc
hia early experiences. The attitude of young Oxford to golf from anything approaching a false note l.y Mr. MMMIUI'S
thirty year* ago ia admirably aummed up iu the sentence: ' remarkaKle skill in dialogue. If r*. Prwtttoe b a real en
" I remember that what amazed them moat waa that a game | and the two in-j ,i,M-- Imt "candid" friends, C
ahould be played in ooe'a ordinary dotbea." Very good .d~. /'.-.,. -r and M<isimili<iii Browne the Lind a^.-nt, are drawn
ia Mr. Joamrr I/>w. that impenitent opponent of the rul.U-r in the true com.-dy spirit.

covered ball. For the rest thaae fragmentary autobiographies | Altogeth. [ which is not merely entertaining,

are interesting not merely from a technical point of view but but anne, wholesome, and excellently observed qualities
aa ravdbtiom of individuality, ranging from unaffected by no means invariably found minlum-d in modern fiction.
modesty to nnahaahrd egotism. But the camaraderie of the
golfer M agreeably shown throughout, and pleasure mingled
with regret will be awakened by the many tribute* to the
rhiralroua nature of the late FtamDY TAIT.

TV Lott Ward (H

EMAnX by EVELTX UnoBiLL, may be
to all jaded reader* of purpoaeJeaa, ill-

Literary Note.

THE prospectus reaches ua of a new paper to be called
jx-rti. The other two divisions, the liars and the
:-, have always had plenty of r; presentative organs.

FEBRUARY L'7, 1907.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

L48

CHARIVARIA.

A RKCENT demonstration of a French
invention has proved the possibility of
running trains in our streets. \Vo
must confess that we aiv not. astonished
that our birth-rate should be constantly
falling. \Vecau well uudrrstainl timid

j pie being a