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JAMES  NICHOLSON 

TORONTO.CANADA 


Presented  to  the 
LIBRARY  of  the 

UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO 


THE  ESTATE  OF  THE  LATE 
JAMES  NICHOLSON 


PUNCH,  on  TH«  LONDON  CHA»IVA«I,  JUNK  18,  1911. 


PUNCH 

Vol.  CXL. 
JANUARY— JUNE,    1911. 


MK  LONDON  CHAHIVAIM,  JUNE  >l,  1911. 


LONDON: 

PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    10,    BOUVERIE    STREET, 


AND  SOLD  BY   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 
19H. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  JUNK  »8,  1911. 


101 

p* 

fill 


/O* 


V  Id  1969 


%, 


y 


Bradbury,  Agnew  &  Co.,  Ld., 

Printers, 
London  and  Tonbridge. 


Punch's    Almanack    for     1911. 


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Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


\ 


"OouE  ox,  'EKBEY,  IT'S  FINE.    Off  wiv  YEE  cto's." 


"Yus,  AIT'  GET  'EX  STOLE! 


•OHIWUAT  DO   I  DO  KOW  J  "  »  LAND  IT,    OF  COURSE,    SJLLY  I  "  <<  Bui-JIAVUl'T   I   GOT  TO   PLAY   IT   OK  80UIHI.NO  J 


Punch's    AlmanacR    for    1911. 


Kovicc  (who  had  hoped  to  inscribe  "Veni,  vidi,  vici"  in  the  diary  of  his  three  dayj  deer-stalking).    "WELL,   Ml'  BECOBII  CAN   BE 

DESCBIBED  AS    'MlST,    MlKT,    MISSED!"' 


Despairing  Keeper.  "CA1  THEM  OFF!    CA'  THEM  OFF!    DIN  YE  NO  MIND  N«xr  WEEK  's  THE  TWALFTH!" 
Territorial  Colonel  (very  much  "out  qf  bounds").  "En,  Mos,  BUT  YE  CANNOT  STOP  A  BATTLE!" 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


Edna.  "MAMMA,  WHEN  YOU  TOLD  XURSIE  TO  CHANGE  MV  SHOES.  DO  YOU  KNOW  WHAT  SUE  DID\" 
Mamma.    "No,  DARLING." JSdna._^\fT.u.    HBXJUjO'TS 


Doting  Mother.   "AND  WHOM  DO  YOU  LOVE  BEST,  DADDY  OR  MOMMY?"  Johnny.   "DADDY." 

Dotaig  Mother.  "On,  BUT,  JOHNNY,  MUMMY  HAS  ALWAYS  BEEN  so  KIND  TO  YOU." 
Johnny.  "THAT'S  ALL  RIGHT,  BUT  WE  MEN  MUST  STICK  TOGETHER!" 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


"GENTLE  DISPOSITION  !    Wnv,  HE  WANTS  TO  BITE  THE  HEAD  OFF  EVEP.Y  noo  IIE  MEET.«.    I'vs  BEES  SWINDLED." 

"You  DIDN'T  OUGHT  TO  KEEP  DOGS  AT  ALL,  MISTER.    THE  ANIMALS  YOU  OUGHT  TO  KEEP  wiv  YOUE  TEMPERAMENT  is  SILKWOKM.S  ! ' 


Sweet  Simplicity.    "AND  I'LL  HAVE  A   BOTTLE  OF  THAT  DENTIFKINE  —  (to  friuitl)  —  I   HCST  TRY   SOME  OF  THAT.      ALL  THE 

ADVERTISEMENTS   SPEAK   HO   \Vi.LL  OF   IT." 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


THE    STRANGER   AND   THE    CAPERCAILZIE. 


HE 


us  —  none    knew 


came    among 
•whence, 

And  very  few  could  tell  you  why — 
Reeking  of  dollars  and  immense 

At  buying  all  there  was  to  buy ; 
Restored  the  Castle's  ancient  state, 

Flung  right  and  left  a  regal  bounty, 
And  was  regarded  as  a  great 

"  Social  accession  "  to  the  County. 

Experts  who  studied  points  of  style 

Assessed  his  parentage  at  nil ; 
The  man,  no  doubt,  had  made  his  pile 

From  porkers  in  Chicago  (111.) ; 
Though  "neath  the  best  electric  lights 

Much   shining  armour  flanked  the 

gallery 
To  prove  his  sires  were  noble  knights 

Such  as  occur  in  Master  Malory. 


'THE  THING    THEY  CAM,  A  CAPERCAILZIB.' 


"  I   WOKE  AT  OXCE  AND   LAID   HIM   OUT." 

Spoil  of  the  chase,  of  various  brands, 

Dumb  witness  to  his  deadly  aim, 
Showed  he  had  coursed  through  many 
lands 

Extracting  all  the  biggest  game ; 
On  every  wall  great  antlers  shone, 

Lettered  below  in  rich  enamel ; 
At  every  step  you  tripped  upon 

The  hide  of  some  exotic  mammal. 

And    there    were    legends,    tall    and 
steep : — 

"  Yon  rhino,  with  the  horned  snout, 
He  charged  me  in  my  beauty  sleep ; 

I  woke  at  once  and  laid  him  out ! 
That  puma's  skin — a  distant  speck, 

I  saw  him  fastened  like  a  vice  on 
A  galloping  bison's  gory  neck ; 

My  other  barrel  dropped  the  bison ! " 

Then  I :  "  How  relatively  trite 

Appears    my    own    poor    class    of 

bag— 
A  hare,  or  coney  (sitting  tight) 

And  now  and  then  a  paltry  stag ; 
Nothing  outside  the  common  beat : 

Nothing    but    what    is   slaughtered 

daily, 
Except — did  you,  Sir,  ever  meet 

The  thing  they  call  a  capercailzie  ?  " 

A  moment's  pause  the  Stranger  made, 

His  brow  with  furrows  overcast, 
As  one  who  seeks  by  memory's  aid 

To  recompose  the  storied  past ; 
Then,  "  Sir,  I  reckon  I  'd  forgot ; 

But,  now  I  give  it  my  attention, 
I  well  remember  how  I  shot 

A  sample  of  the  thing  you  mention. 


No  head  among  my  trophies  here 

Recalls  the  feat.    His  fall  through  air 
Produced  an  impact  so  severe 

It  spoilt  his  figure  past  repair. 
I  left  him.     Though  I  knew  the  worth 

Of  these  superb  elusive  creatures, 
I  knew  no  stufiing-man  on  earth 

Could  reconstruct  his  speaking  fea- 
tures. 

'Twas  in  the  Rockies.    There  he  stood 

Upon  the  yawning  canon's  brink 
(Two  bears,  emerging  from  a  wood, 

Left  me  no  leisure  time  to  think) ; 
Full  in  his  heart  he  took  the  blow — 

No  shot  has  ever  made  me  prouder — 
Then  fell  a  thousand  feet  below, 

And  had  his  horns  all  smashed  to 
powder!"  O.S. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


Every  child  that  means  to  be  smart  A  is  an  Actress  who  rolls  at  a  rink  ; 

Should  get  this  Alphabet  off  by  heart.        Annoyed  to  be  recognised— I  don't  think. 


(j  looks  best  in  a  hat  that's  shady. 
C  is  a  back-row  Chorus-lady. 


I)  is  a.  Debutante,  quite  alive 

To  the  number  of  beans  that  total  five. 


B  is  a  Butterfly     O  what  grace  I 
I  love  to  see  them  about  the  place. 


£  is  an  Carl,  whose  pride  of  race 
Is  plainly  shown  on  his  noble  face. 


x 


f  is  a  Fairy  who  ought  to  appear  ;  G  is  one  of  those  German  waiters  H  it  a  Hobbler,  H  is  her  Hat, 

So  she  will,  when  she's  finished   her  beer.     Playing  the  spy  as  he  hands  the  taters.        And  she's  visiting  friends  in  a  top-floor  flat. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


\'t  an  Impostor  selling  a  ring; 
Alto  an  Idiot  buying  the  thing. 


Here  we  have  J  in  all  his  glory, 
J— best  type  of  our  Jewness  dory. 


K  is  a  Knight  who  has  cornered  cheese, 
Or  painted  pictures — whichever  you  please. 


1»  is  a  Labour  Member— see  M  is  a  Mannequin — want  of  space  H  is  a  novelist — ghastly  side — 

How  he  sits  on  the  Terrace  and  takes  his  tea.      Is  the  reason  I  couldn't  include  her  face.     And  the  stripes  on  his  trousers  much  too  wide 


0  has  his  stripes  made  even  wider, 
But  0  is  simply  a  rank  Outsider. 


is  a  Peeress  who'll  unbend 
To  anyone  with  a  pound  to  spend. 


Q  is  a  Quack,  and  I  much  regret 
That  he  mocks  at  medical  etiquette. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


R  is  a  Roue,  and  rather  plucky  ;  S  is  a  Socialist  on  the  boil. 

He's  just  addressed  a  barmaid  as  "  Ducky."  Sowing  his  seed  in  virgin  soil. 


What  is  the  reason  why  (J's  annoyed  ? 
U's  a  professional  Un-employed. 


A  Caterpillar,  a  horrid  hairy'un, 
Is  worrying  V,  who's  a  Vegetarian. 


T  is  a  Tea-shop  girl.     Ah,  well  1 

It  roust  be  a  nuisance  to  answer  a  bell. 


Dignity,  grace,  and  beauty  too 
The  modern  Waltzer  is  W. 


A  is  A,  and  it  must  be  grand 

To  stop  a  motor  by  raising  your  Hand. 


Y  is  a  Yankee  cousin— he  2>    a    Zoologist,  tucked  in  bed — 

Is  all  that  a  husband  ought  to  br.  Rotten — but  what  can  you  do  with  Z  1 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911, 


NEW    GAMES    FOR    CHRISTMAS. 


FOB  ART  CIRCLES.    PUTTING  THE  ARMS  ON  THE  VENUS  OF  MILO. 


FOR  COUNTRY  HOUSE-PARTIES.     "  SPOT  THE  JABBER."    THE  PLAYER  UNDER  THE  RUG  MUST  GUESS  WHO  HOLDS  THE  FORK. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


NEW    GAMES    FOR    CHRISTMAS. 


HOME  ALPINE  SPORTS. 


THE  OMNIBUS  GAME— TO  SUIT  ALL  TASTES. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


MINCEMEAT. 
(By  our  Charivariety  Artiste.) 

A  FEATURE  of  rearly  every  juvenile 
party  at  this  season  is  Father  Christ- 
mas, with  a  cotton-wool  beard ;  and  a 
wonderfully  pretty  effect  is  sometimes 
obtained  by  setting 
him  alight  —  like 
the  Christmas 
pudding. 


It  is  so  difficult 
to  know  what  to 
give  one's  wealthy 
relatives  as  a 
Christmas  present 
that  it  is  good  to 
find  that  an  enter- 
prising firm  has 
now  produced  the 
very  article  in  the 
form  of  "  Ths  Mil- 
lionaire's Pocket 
Calendar."  This  is 
a  really  magnifi- 
cent production, 
measuring  three 

feet  by  six. 
*  • 

A  mistress  re- 
monstrated with 
her  new  girl  for 
handing  her  the 
letters  with  her 
fingers.  "  Always 
bring  in  every- 
thing on  the  silver 
salver,"  she  said. 
Shortly  afterwards 
she  rang  for  her 
baby.  The  stupidity 
of  some  ssrvants 
passes  all  belief. 

Auntie  (to  little 
niece  who  is  mak- 
ing faces).  "  Do 
you  know  that 
when  I  was  young 
I  used  to  be  told 
that,  if  I  made 
faces,  I  should  get 
struck  like  that  for 
ever."  "  And  did  it 
happen,  Auntie  ?  " 

A    long  -  haired 


standing.  The  Minor  Poet  was  striv- 
ing to  impress  an  old  lady  with  his 
importance.  "  Yes,"  he  said,  "  they  've 
put  jne  in  Who's  Who."  "Whose 
Zoo  ?  "  she  asked. 


Another  of  Life's  Little  Tragedies. 
"  Very  well,  then,"  cried  the  eldest  son, 
after  a  heated  controversy  with  his 
father,  "  I  leave  your  house,  and 


Scotsman   stood 
silently      contem- 
plating a  notice  in  the  window 
barber's  shop: — 


of  a 


HAIB  CUTTING... 
SHAVE      

M. 
2d. 

Then  he  went  in.     "  I  '11  just  hae  my 
head  shaved,"  he  said. 

&  •'.'• 

It  was  a  most  unfortunate  misunder- 


nothing   will  ever    induce   me   to    set 
foot    in    it    again  I  "    and    the    door 
A  German  professor  claims  to  have  i  slammed   behind   him.     Five   minutes 

later  there  was  a 
ring  at  the  bell. 
He  had  forgotten 
his  umbrella. 


A  gentleman 
who  signs  his  letter 
"TheOtherCheek" 
writes  to  complain 
that  lie  has  found 
a  certain  book  on 
Manners  distinctly 
misleading.  The 
manual  in  question 
recommends  you, 
if  you  accidentally 
step  on  any  one's 
feet,  to  apologise 
with  the  words, 
"  So  sorry :  your 
feet  are  so  small 
that  I  did  not 
notice  them."  Our 
correspondent 
(who  is  now  con- 
valescent) tried  this 
on  a  policeman  a 
week  ago,  and  it 
was  not  taken  at 
all  nicely. 

The  husband 
who  promised  his 
wife  a  new  mantle 
for  a  Christmas 
present,  and  then 
gave  her  a  gas 
mantle,  is,  in  our 
opinion  —  we  will 
not  mince  words 
— a  despicable  cur. 

It  is  again  stated 
that  the  fringe  is 
coming  into  fashion 
in  the  coiffure  of 
ladies.  It  has 
been  in  vogue  for 
some  years  past 
among  men  of  a 
certain  class,  and, 
if  the  ladies  are 
wise,  they  will 


Professor.  "I  REALLY  THINK  THERE  MUST  BE  SOMETHINR  PECULIAR  ABOUT  MY  HAT,  FOR 


THIS    MORNING    SOME    LITTLE  BOYS    ENQUIRED    WHKRE    I     HAD    1'UKCIIASED    IT,    AND    DO    YOD 

KXOW,  MARION,  FOB  THE  LIFE  OF  ME  I  COULDN'T  REMEMP.ER." 


found  a  means  of  abolishing  indiges- 
tion. He  has  discovered  that  cannibals 
never  suffer  from  this  scourge. 

To  prevent  chilblains  and  chapped 
hands  a  medical  journal  recommends 
the  wearing  of  kid  gloves  lined  with 
wool.  To  prevent  chilblains  from  ap- 
psaring  on  the  nose  a  single  finger- 
stall in  these  materials  is  sufficient. 


look  at  these  and  hesitate. 

Housewives  are  complaining  that 
there  is  quite  an  epidemic  of  bad  eggs. 
Is  it  not  possible  that  this  is  due  to 
the  increase  of  egg -laying  competi- 
tions? The  birds  are  in  such  a  hurry 
to  beat  the  record  that  they  do  not 
give  themselves  time  to  make  the  things 
properly. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


to 


of 


At   £)AvbreAk.  he 
met"  int  jD«Ulon  Afi&  j8J«t-w  Hi 
^uf 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


LORD  DES  BOROUGH  secures 
position  of ^oc6  beefier  af~ 


THE  DUKE  or 

PORTLAND  y 
ajo6  as  Shop  - 
-walker  fo  MESSRS. 
DRI/CE  . 


THE  DUKE  OF 

DEVONSHIRE 

"taekfes  "tf>e 

crossing-  ouTsto 


LORD  ROSEBERY 
ftrtas 

s  oratoricaf 
talents  as 


Joasf-  master.. 


MR.   PUNCH'S    REFORMED     HOUSE    OF    LORDS. 

S..MK    PUOn    l'KK,:s    JUSTIFY   T.IKIIl    KXISTESCE    I,Y    KARNINO    AN    HONKST    UV.NO. 


I'IM  M'S  ALXASACK  KOR  1911. 


P^t^SS&i 

1<^ 


fv>VHI 


;,^s 


1 

£3J 


'-*£* 


L^H.G.PELISSIER. 
2.WGEORGER.S1MS 


LORD  TATCHO 
Dl=TOUCH6-L€-SPOT 


LORD  Gaeesa  De  Scoop 


??« 


x>     '  v. 


<^W1K 


) 


{ 


^^f' 


K§ 


DC  WALTON. 


6.  M?JAMES  BRAID. 


MRGEORGERpBEY 

4 .  M  *  PELHAM  F  WARNER  . 


M*RuDYARDKlPLI 

.  M* GEORGE  ALEXANDER. 


MR W.W.JACOBS 


Punch's   Almanack    for    1911. 


THE  DUKE  i 

turns  fo  accouaf 
fas 
sfctf, 


LORD  SPENCER 
atfastfeaft'ses 
atona-cfieri. 
am  6iuon ,  ana  6eeomes 
an  rfyrt'cufturaf ^a6i 


rrhile  LORD 

RlBBLESDALE 
.4  oars  to  {fie  rii 
oftfie 


'LORD  LONSDALE  6as  a  succes  fou  as  a 
Draft  on  (&e  T^arit 


MR.   PUNCH'S    REFORMED    HOUSE    OF    LORDS. 

SOME  IT.ESKNT  FKKKH  JUSTIFV  THEIR  EXISTENCE  BY  KAUNINO  AN  HONEST  LIVINII. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


THE    DISAPPOINTING    GHOST. 


Gcoffn-y  of  tlie  Gloomy  Gizzard. 


A  PAGE  FROM  TUB  OATALOGUK  OF  THE  STORES  (PSYCHICAL  DEPARTMENT). 


THE  list  of  guests  for  Christmas  at 
the  Towers  had  been  made  out,  and 
the  invitations  sent  off.  Sir  George 
(who  consented  to  anything  that  de- 
manded no  active  assistance  from  him) 
had  approved  the  names,  and  had  now 
retired  to  the  library  with  The  Times. 
But  he  was  not  destined  to  sleep  for 
long.  There  was  a  tap  at  the  door, 
and  Lady  fiendish  came  in. 

"  So  sorry,  George,"  she  said.  "  Are 
you  busy  ?  " 

"I  am,  rather,"  said  Sir  George, 
taking  The  Times  off  his  head.  "  What 
is  it?" 

"  There 's  something  I  wanted  to  ask 
you  about.  Don't  you  think  we 
might  launch  out  a  little  more  this  year 
— so  as  to  have  a  really  good  old- 
fashioned  Christmas?  You  know, 
we  have  a  good  many  young  people 
coming  down  this  time." 

"  Well,  didn't  you  say  some- 
tiling  about  a  Father  Christmas 
coming  round  at  dinner  with  pre- 
sents ?  What  more  do  young 
people  want — or  old  ones  either?  " 
"It  was  writing  to  the  Stores 
about  the  beard  that  put  it  into 
my  bead.  Will  that  be  enough? 
Now  what  about — it  is  just  my 
idea — getting  a  Ghost  in  too  ?  " 

"A  Ghost?"  said  Sir  George 
thoughtfully. 

"  Yes  ;  you  know,  everybody 
says  that  this  house  ought  to  have 
a  Ghost.  I  thought  if  I  asked 
the  Stores  to  send  one  down,  a 
thoroughly  nice  one,  of  course, 
it  would  amuse  the  children, 


and  make  the  place  look  more — more 
homey.  In  most  nice  houses,  you 
know,  they  have  a  ghost  who  always 
appears  on  Christmas  Eve  and — and 
disappears,  and  so  on." 

"  Where  would  you  put  him  ?  ''  asked 
Sir  George,  after  a  pause  for  reflection. 

"  Oh,  a  Ghost  can  sleep  almost  any- 
where. I  thought  the  still-room  would 
be  a  nice  quiet  place  for  him." 

"  I  suppose  he  'd  have  meals  with  us, 
and  so  on?  " 

"  Of  course  not !  How  silly  you  are. 
He  wouldn't  want  meals  at  all.  But 
he  could  come  into  the  drawing-room 
after  dinner  and  show  us  one  or  two 
little  tricks  with  the  lights  out;  and 
when  it's  wet  we  can  put  up  the 


"  He  had  to  ask  eight  people  to  point  out  the 
direction  licfore  he  received  a  coherent  answer." 


shutters  in  the  gallery,  and  he  can 
amuse  us  there." 

'  Well,  look  here,  we  can't  run  to 
much.  Everything's  so  confoundedly 
expensive  nowadays." 

"  Thank  you,  dear.  I  '11  just  write 
to  the  Stores,  and  tell  them  we  want 
something  quite  moderate.  But  he 
muni  be  a  gentleman,"  she  said  as  she 
went  out. 

:;:  #  *  £ 

"  We  are  in  receipt  of  your  favour  of 
to-day's  date,"  wrote  the  head  of  the 
Psychical  Department  at  the  Stores, 
"  and  in  reply  beg  to  quote  you  the 
following  lines  all  of  which  we  can 
strongly  recommend : — 

(1)  Palsied  Pomfret — known  in  the 
eighteenth  century  as  the  "  Pride  of 
Pocklington."  Our  Mr.  Pomfret 
may  be  described  without  hesita- 
tion as  a  perfect  gentleman,  having 
succeeded  to  the  Pocklington 
barony  on  the  sudden  and  lamented 
death  by  poison  of  his  uncle,  five 
cousins,  father  and  seven  brothers. 
Palsied  Pomfret  has  met  with 
much  success  in  country  house 
life,  and  his  amusing  way  of  ap- 
pearing on  the  stroke  of  midnight 
at  the  bedroom  windows,  with  a 
rope  round  his  neck,  lias  brought 
him  many  admirers. 

(2)  Crimson  Leonard.  The 
"  Moody  Marquis,"  as  ho  was  called 
in  his  prime,  may  be  recommended 
to  those  who  care  for  something  a 
little  more  reserved.  Crimson 
Leonard's  wailing  in  the  chimney 
corners  is  never  forced,  and,  occur- 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


ring  ;IH  it  does  at  the  most  unexpected 
moments,  claims  the  merit  of  spon- 
hmcity — a  quality  which  is  sadly  lack- 
ing in  most  of  tho  lower-priced  ghosts. 

(3)  Jasper  the  Lily  lireml      whose 
speciality  is  disappearances.      He  re- 
appears   again   in   the   most    unlikely 
places,  thus  causing  great  fun  and 
amusement  to  the  younger  members 
of  the  house  party. 

These  are  our  chief  lines,  and  we 
arc  able  to  do  you  them  on  strictly 
moderate  terms,  viz.,  200  guineas  a 
night,  together  with  first-class  fares 
both  ways,  and  washing.  In  addi- 
tion to  those  we  have  a  cheaper 
article  at  100  guineas,  at  which 
price  we  can  offer  you  any  of  the 
following:  Geoffrey  of  the  Gloomy 
(iixxard,  Spotted  Spencer  of  tho 
Barge,  Punctured  Percy,  Filleted 
Ernest  or  the  Bonsless  Dago,  Gibber- 
ing Gilbert  and  Sigismund  the  Split- 
eared  Stevedore. 

In  conclusion,  we  may  mention, 
perhaps,  a  ridiculously  cheap  line  at 
ten  guineas — Eeticent  Eoger  of  the 
Rolling  Eye — which  we  can  offer  on 
these  special  terms  solely  because  we 
are  unable  to  give  any  guarantee  with 
him.  He  has  been  in  stock  for  some 
years  now  without  exhibiting  any  de- 
cided individuality;  and  it  must  be 
distinctly  understood  that  he  can  only 
be  sent  down  at  hirer's  risk. 

Awaiting  your  esteemed  patronage, 
we  have  the  honour  to  be,  etc." 

"It's  absurd,"  said  Sir  George;  "I 
shouldn't  think  of  giving  more  than 
ten  guineas." 

"  Then  we  shall  have  to  have  Mr.— 
er  —  Mr.    Eoger,"    said    Lady 
Bendish.    "  I  hope  he 's  a  gentle- 
man." 

CHAPTER  II. 

Reticent  Roger  arrived  by  the 
six-twenty  on  Thursday  evening. 
A  trap  drove  down  leisurely  to 
meet  him,  and  covered  the  three 
miles  back  in  ten  minutes, 
without  him,  the  horse  having 
been  introduced  to  him  a  mo- 
ment too  soon.  Roger  accord- 
ingly picked  up  his  bag  and  set 
out  for  the  Towers  on  foot. 
The  country  was  .strange  to 
him,  and  he  had  to  ask  eight 
people  to  point  out  the  direc- 
tion before  he  received  a  coherent 
answer.  It  was,  in  fact,  instinct  which 
finally  led  him  to  his  destination. 

"  Ah,  how  do  you  do,  Mr. — er — 
Roger?"  said  Lady  Bendish.  "We 
were  just  wondering  about  you.  You 
must  make  yourself  quite  at  home, 
please.  Everybody  says  that  this  is 
such  a  quaint  old  house  —  just  the 
place  for  a  Gho for  Psychical  Re- 
search. The  house-keeper  will  show 
you  your  room,  and  see  that  you  have 


everything  you  want.  Yes.  Then  we 
shall  see  you  in  tho  drawing-room  after 
dinner?  How  delightful !  I  am  sure 
you  will  have  many  amusing  tricks 
for  us." 

Reticent  Roger  bowed  low.     He  was 
a  little  puzzled,  but  he  had  caught  the 


Ketioeiit  Roger's  Kntry  into  Society. 

word  "  dinner "  safely.  He  followed 
the  house-keeper  upstairs  with  dignity 
and  a  certain  sombre  satisfaction. 

Once  in  his  room  he  made  a  careful 
toilet  for  the  important  occasion  of  his 
entry  into  society.  His  suit  was  a 
little  old-fashioned,  being  cut  in  the 
knicker-bocker  style,  of  some  faded 
purple  plush  material ;  but  it  had  been 
a  good  suit  in  its  century,  and  Roger  hud 
always  had  the  utmost  confidence  in  it. 

He  arrived  in  a  full  drawing-room 
as  the  clock  was  striking  eight.  Lady 
Bendish,  looking  considerably  surprised, 
bustled  forward  to  meet  him. 


The  Great  Disappearing  Tri-jk. 

"  But  I  am  afraid  you  are  very  early," 
she  said ;  "  we  haven't  even  begun 
dinner  yet  .  .  .  Ten  o'clock  at  the 
earliest  ...  So  silly  of  them  not  to 
have  told  you  .  .  .  However,  let  me 
introduce  you  to  Mrs.  Somers — she  is 
so  anxious  to  meet  you.  Clara,  dear, 
this  is  Mr.  —  er  —  R.  Roger  of  the 
R.E." 

"  Madam,"  said  the  ghost  in  a  faded 
voice,  bowing  deeply  to  a  stout  Mosaic 
lady,  "  your  humble  servant." 


"  Let  mo  see,  Anna,"  said  Sir  George, 
"  who  is  Mr.  Roger  taking  in  ?  " 

Lady  Bondish  locked  uncomfortable. 
She  drew  her  husband  on  one  side 
and  talked  volubly  to  him.  "  Non- 
sense, nonsense,"  he  said.  "  Since 

he's  here Angela,  where  ara  you? 

Mr.    Roger,   will   you   take    in    my 
daughter?" 

Angela  was  young,  pretty  and  ro- 
mantic, and  possessed  of  a  tact 
which  she  did  not  inherit  from  her 
mother.  Thus,  though  the  most 
pressing  observation  seemed  to  her 
to  be  an  expression  of  surprise  that 
ghosts  wanted  to  eat,  she  did  not 
make  it ;  instead  she  asked  her  table 
companion  if  ho  had  been  to  many 
dances  lately. 

"  I  have  not  been  out  for  two 
hundred  years  come  Michaelmas," 
said  Roger  in  his  melancholy  way. 

"  Then  you  haven't  seen  The 
Dollar  Princess  ? "  said  Angela. 
"  It 's  jolly ;  I've  been  three  times." 
Conversation  languished  for  a  mo- 
ment— it  is  difficult  to  know  wlint  to 
say  to  a  person  who  hasn't  seen  The, 
Dollar  Princess — and  then  she  tried 
again. 

"  Do  you  mind  if  we  talk  about 
yourself?"  she  asked. 

"  I  prefer  it,"  said  Roger  simply. 
"  Oh,  how  lovely !  Then  tell  me  all 
about  the  old  Moated  Grange  and  tho 
beautiful  Lady  Rosamund,  and  the  duel 
you  fought  because  wicked  Sir  Hubert 
insulted  her,  and  how  you  saved  tho 
King's  life  and oh,  tell  me  every- 
thing about  the  lovely  old  times.  How 
I  wish  I  had  lived  then  !  " 

"  I  may  not  say  with  truth 
that  I  saved  his  Majesty's  life," 
said  Roger  complacently.  "  Yet 
of  a  surety  I  measured  him  for 
a  hat  which  went  through  many 
high  adventures  with  him." 

"  '  Measured  him  for  a  hat ' 
— what  a  funny  expression," 
laughed  Angela.  "It  sounds  as 
if  you  were  a  hatter." 

"  I  was  a  hatter,"  said  Roger. 
There  was   a  stifled   scream 
from  Angela. 

"  The  best  in  Bristol,"  he 
added  proudly. 

"I  s — see,"  stammered 
Angela. 

It  was  her  first  great  shock.  She 
had  had  an  idea  that  everybody  who 
lived  two  hundred  years  ago  was  nobly 
born — that  every  ghost  was  the  ghost 
of  some  member  of  a  titled  family. 
The  idea  that  there  might  be  such  a 
thing  as  the  ghost  of  a  hatter  with 
social  aspirations  had  never  occurred 
to  her. 

"  Whatever  you  do,  don't  tell 
mother,"  she  said  at  last.  "  We  don't 
ever  talk  about  trade  here.'' 


Punch's    Almanach    for    1911. 


So  for  the  rest  of  dinner  she  told 
him  about  life  at  The  Towers  and  the 
fun  that  they  had  on  Christmas  Day, 
and  how  Father  Christmas  (who  was 
Bunton  the  butler)  was  coming  round 
with  a  sack  of  presents,  and  nobody 
knew  beforehand  what  they  were  going 
to  get,  because  all  the  parcels  were 
locked  up  in  father's  study.  And  what 
would  Mr.  Eoger  like?  because  per- 
haps if  she  told  father 

Eeticent  Eoger  thought  he  would  like 
a  Velocipede.  He  had  heard  them  well 
spoken  of  at  the  Stores  some  years  ago. 

CHAPTER  III. 

By  his  tactless  appearance  down- 
stairs before  dinner,  Ghost  Eoger  had 
dropped  considerably  in  his  hostess's 
opinion ;  his  performance  after  dinner 
caused  him  to  fall  out  of  Society  alto- 
gether. Never  was  a  Ghost  so  dis- 
appointing. 

"Now  then,  Mr.  Eoger,"  said  Lady 
Bendish,  "we  are  all  ready.  If  you 
would  like  the  lights  out,  or  anything 
of  that  sort,  please  say  so." 

The  Ghost,  who  was  sitting  ner- 
vously on  the  edge  of  a  sofa  with 
Angela,  looked  at  her  blankly. 

"  Don't  do  anything  too  alarming 
at  first,"  said  Angela  with  a  friendly 
smile. 

"  But  I  don't  sing  at  all,"  protested 
Eoger. 

"  How  would  it  be,  dear  Anna,"  saic 
Mrs.  Somers, "  if  he  disappeared  through 
the  ceiling,  and  came  back  down  the 
chimney,  with  his  head  under  his  arm? 
Or  some  little  thing  like  that.  Jusi 
for  a  beginning,  I  mean ;  and  then 
work  up  to  something  difficult." 

"  Don't  be  bustled,  Sir,"  said  Lione 
Somers.  "  Take  your  time." 

"I  think,"  said  Sir  George,  "we 
must  leave  it  entirely  to  Mr.  Eoger. 
No  doubt  he  will  think  of  one  or  two 
tricks  which  will  be  new  to  us." 

"  I  want  to  hear  him  clank  chains," 
said  Mr.  Blundell  gloomily. 

At  the  word  "  tricks  "  the  Ghost  got 
up  with  a  pleased  little  smile. 

"  I  have  one  small  trick,"  he  said, 
"  which  I  should  esteem  it  a  privilege 
to  show  you." 

"That's  right,"  said  Lady 
Bendish.  She  turned  to  her 
neighbour.  "  Do  you  know  if 
it  leaves  a  mark  on  a  carpet 
when  you  disappear  through 
it  ?  I  shouldn't  think  so,  would 
I  you?" 

The  Ghost  rubbed  his  hands 
round  each  other  and  beamed 
upon  the  company.  "  For  this 
trick,"  he  said,  "I  shall  want 
a  hat  and  a  pack  of  cards." 

He   placed  the  hat    on  the 
ground,  retired  five  paces  from        ,,Ml.s  Somerg  , 
it,  and  began  solemnly  to  throw     of  Swedish  drill." 


1  In  his  middle  age  he  had  been  held  to  be 
the  best  raconteur  in  Bristol." 

the  cards  in  one  by  one.  His  aim  was 
Door ;  half-way  through  only  three  had 
•cached  their  proper  destination.  The 
ittle  company  watched  breathlessly, 
expecting  the  denouement  at  every 
moment.  It  was  not  until  some  twenty 
seconds  after  the  last  card  fell  that  it 


4  Taking  a  steady  trot  round  the  sun-dial." 

became  clear  that  the  trick  was  com 
plete  in  itself. 

"  I  'm  afraid,"  said  Eoger  apologeti 
cally,  "  that  I  am  a  little  out  of  practice 
At  my  aunt's  house  at  Bristol  I  one 
got  in  no  fewer  than  thirty-seven." 

There  was  a  tremendous  hush.    Then 
Lady  Bendish  prepared  to  speak,  an 
it  was  obvious  that  she  had  somethin 
picturesque  to  say.     But   Sir   Georg 
was  before  her. 


met  him  in  the  drive  doing  some  kind 


"  One  moment,  dear,"  he  said.  He 
turned  to  the  Ghost.  "  Thank  you 
very  much.  I  like  that  immensely. 
But — the  fact  is — most  of  the — er — •' 
Spirits  that  we — Lady  Bendish  has  met 
before,  have  gone  in  for — have  exhibited 
a  certain  power  of  illusion — appearing 
and  disappearing  and  the  like  ;  and  we 
wondered  whether  perhaps — 

"I  have  heard  tell  of  them,"  said 
Eoger  with  dignity.  "  There  are  ghosts 
of  the  nobility  so  lost  to  shame,  so 
ntirely  without  reserve,  that  they 
nake  public  spectacles  of  themselves.' 
"'or  my  own  part  I  have  always  had 
my  pride." 

There  was  another  awkward  silence. 
Nobody  seemed  to  know  what  to  say — 
xcept  Lady  Bendish,  who  murmured 
o  Mrs.  Somers,  "  Then  I  shall  cer- 
ainly  expect  to  receive  the  money 
jack."  But  help  was  at  hand.  Miss 
klervyn  broke  in  eagerly:  "Perhaps 
tfr.  Eoger  would  tell  us  some  stories  of 
hose  delightfully  wicked  old  times.  I 
,m  sure  he  must  know  a  great  many." 
Eoger  was  not  unwilling.  In  his 
middle  age  he  had  been  held  to  be  the 
>est  raconteur  in  Bristol.  Many  a 
gentleman  of '  those  days  bought  a  hat 
simply  in  order  to  listen  to  him. 

"  Well,"  he  said  complacently,  "  I 
can  tell  you  one  rather  good  one.  Quite 
the  latest,  as  you  might  say." 

Mrs.  Somers  settled  herself  com- 
fortably in  her  chair.  "Such  a  sense 
of  humour  they  had  in  those  days,": 
she  said.  "So  free  and  unrestrained. 
Honi  soil,  you  know."  And  she  smiled 
fatly  to  herself. 

"  Of  the  following  events  I  was  an 
eye-witness,"  said  Eoger.  "  Three  men 
of  my  acquaintance  laid  a  wager  as  to 
who  should  tell  the  biggest  lie.  While 
they  were  disputing,  a  certain  dignitary 
of  the  Church  approached  and  en- 
quired of  them  the  reason  of  their 
quarrel.  '  For  shame ! '  he  said,  when 
he  was  made  acquainted  with  the 
position ;  '  I  have  never  told  a  lie.' 
'  Give  him  the  money,'  said  my  three 
friends  with  one  accord." 

Again  there  was  a  solemn  stillness — • 
broken  at  last  by  a  long,  low  whistle 
from   one    of    the   men.     Then    Lady 
Bendish    forgot    her    manners 
altogether.     She  walked  across 
to    Eoger.     In    her    rage    she 
almost  struck  him. 

"  Get  out  of  my  house  !  "  she 
cried  furiously.  "  You  miserable 
impostor !  Go !  Not  another 
word — Go  I  " 

The  Ghost  looked  round  the 
room  ;  no  friendly  face  met  him 
but  Angela's.  Too  dazed  to 
think  he  stumbled  to  the  door  . . . 
Outside  in  the  drive,  with  his 
bag  at  his  feet,  he  remembered 
who  he  was.  The  spirit  of  a 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   SUCH    A   FOOL    AS    HE    LOOKED; 

On,  THE  PORTABLE  LABEL  FOR  THE  PREVENTION  OF  OVERCROWDING. 


thousand  hatters  filled  him,  and  urged 
him  to  revenge.  Striking  a  melodra- 
matic attitude  he  called  upon  the 
lightning  to  shiver  the  house  to  frag- 
ments, and  split  all  the  inmates  but 
one.  .  .  .  He  waited  expectantly. 

"  No,"  he  said  after  a  pause,  "  it 
isn't  doing  it.  I  hardly  thought  it 
would.  Well,  there  are  other  ways. 
Ha ! "  And  he  picked  up  his  bag. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Officially,  Ghost  Roger  was  not  seen 
again  at  The  Towers.  Miss  Mervyn, 
however,  said  that  she  caught  sight 
of  him  from  her  bedroom  window  next 
evening  taking  a  steady  trot  round 
the  sun-dial;  and  Mrs.  Somers,  re- 
turning in  the  morning  from  equestrian 
exercise,  was  understood  to  have  met 
him  in  the  drive  doing  some  kind  of 
Swedish  drill.  That,  at  any  rate,  was 
the  reason  given  for  "  Samson's"  sud- 
den arrival  at  the  stable  without  his 
mistress.  One  way  and  another  it 
seemed  probable  that  Roger  was  getting 
into  training  for  something.  .  .  .  And 
at  night  lie  must  have  been  very  busy. 


Dinner  on  the  25th,  enlivened  by  the 
presence  of  the  children,  went  with  its 
usual  swing.  There  was  the  cracking 
of  the  usual  jokes,  followed  by  the 
usual  laughter ;  Miss  Mervyn  screamed 
when  the  crackers  were  pulled,  and 
Miss  Hall  blushed  and  said  that  she 
simply  couldn't  read  the  mottoes,  they 
were  too  silly.  Then  Father  Christmas 
came  in  with  pomp,  and  everybody 
suddenly  became  quiet. 

"  I  do  hope  I  get  something  nice," 
said  Angela  excitedly  to  herself. 

Mrs.  Somers'  presents  came  out 
first.  One  was  evidently  a  book — "  To 
dear  Clara  with  all  lave  from,  Anna ;  " 
the  other  something  more  bulky— r 
"  With  best  wishes  front  George." 

"  Anna,  dear  t "  she  said,  "  how 
sweet  of  you !  I  believe  this  is  the 
very  book  I  was  telling  you  I  wanted." 

Lady  Bendish  smiled.  "  George 
said  he  would  give  you  something 
more  personal,"  she  added. 

Mrs.  Somers  cut  the  string,  and  in- 
vited the  attention  of  her  neighbour 
to  a  book  for  which  she  had  always 
longed.  That  astonished  gentleman 
read  the  title — Scalped  by  Mocahontas, 


or  the  Prairie  Squaw.  He  turned  and 
looked  at  Mrs.  Somers  with  a  new  in- 
terest, but  she  was  engrossed  with  the 
"  something  more  personal "  from  Sir 
George.  "  Now,"  she  said  loudly,  as 
she  took  the  layers  of  paper  off,  "let 
us  see  what  dear  George  has  hit  upon." 
He  had,  apparently,  hit  upon  a  toy 
pig — fat  and  with  a  squeak.  .  .  . 

Shall  the  curtain  come  down  here  ? 
or  shall  I  skip  a  scene  of  fury  and 
strenuous  explanation,  and  tell  you  of 
little  Betty  Bendish's  case  of  razors 
(one  for  every  day  in  the  week)  and 
Lady  Bendish's  present  from  her  hus- 
band— a  small  bottle  marked  POISON  ? 
It  were  better  that  the  curtain  should 
come  down,  but  let  it  descend  on 
Angela  looking  with  wondering  eyes  at 
the  diamond  necklace  which  she  holds 
in  her  hands.  It  is  not  the  value  of 
the  gift  which  impresses  her — for  she 
guesses  the  truth  now,  and  knows  that,  _ 
having  been  taken  from  Mrs.  Somers' 
room,  it  cost  the  giver  nothing — but 
the  kindly  thought.  Even  a  Ghost, 
she  says  to  herself,  has  his  feelings. 

A.  A.  M. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


UNEXPRESSED    THOUGHTS. 

Tyro  (on •  ralJter  free-jumping  hireling).  "AND  THIS  is  WHAT  I  TAY  TWO  GUINEAS  FOK  1 " 


UNEXPRESSED    THOUGHTS. 

Sportsman  in  DUch.  "I  CALL  THIS  ADDING  INSULT  TO  INJURY! 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


*<**— 


Porter  (as  train  begins  to  mcme}.  "HEBE'S  YOUR  TICKET,  LADY  ;  FOUR  AND  TUPPENCE  IT  COST." 
Flurried  Passenger.  "THERE'S  FOUR  SHILLINGS.     KEEP  THE  TUPPENCE  FOK  YOURSELF." 


"I  SUPPOSE  YOU'LL  BE  A  SOLDIER,  TOO,  WHEN  YOU  GROW  UP,  BILLY?" 

HOW   MANY    HOURS  A  DAY   SHALL  I   HAVE  TO  FIGHT}" 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


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Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


Punch's   Almanack    for    1911. 


COMFORT. 


Host  (to  nervoiut  Gueaf).  "I  SAY,  OLD  CHAP,  IF  YOU  HEAR  ANY  NOISES  IN  THE  NIGHT,  IT'S  PROBABLY  ONLY  THE  EATS— AT  LEAST, 

WB  ALWAYS  TRY  TO  THINK  SO  !  " 


WINGS    AND    WEATHER. 


To  those  that  spend  much  time,  with  small  success, 

In  airing  theories,  more  or  less  absurd, 
Of  our  late  Summer's  long  unpleasantness, 
I  wish  to  speak  a  word. 

They  have  their  own  peculiar  fancies.     One 

Would  have  it "  cyclic ; "  others  hold  it  due 
To  Halley's  comet  or  a  spotted  sun ; 
They  blame  Marconi,  too. 

Some,  with  an  earthier  range,  go  rather  strong 

On  icebergs  from  the  pole,  or  tell  you  flat 
It 's  the  Gulf  Stream ;  when  anything  goes  wrong, 
They  always  say  it 's  that. 

And  so  forth.     And,  for  all  they  have  to  show 

In  net  results,  they  might  have  spared  their  pains  ; 
But  I — I  've  kept  a  diary,  and  I  know : — 
It 's  all  these  aeroplanes. 

Let  me  recall  the  facts.     While  yet  the  Spring 

Bordered  on  Summer,  into  yon  blua  skies 
Airmen  of  all  shapes  took  erratic  wing 
Like  whirring  dragonffies. 


That  was  too  much.     At  once  the  Weather  Clerk, 
Whose  sense  of  humour  nothing  seems  to  dim, 
Woke  up,  and  started  a  colossal  lark, 
Or  so  it  seemed  to  him. 

And,  as  the  airman  likes  his  weather  mild, 

He  promptly  loosed  from  their  confining  bag 
Wind  upon  wind,  while  he  looked  on,  and  smiled, 
Being  a  merry  wag. 

Later,  again,  when  came  the  crowds  to  see 

Great  aviation  meetings,  to  the  gales 
He  humorously  added,  for  a  spree, 
His  finest  rain,  in  pails. 

Then,  having  duly  worked  his  merry  joke, 

When  all  the  crowds  had  gone,  and  every  line 
Had  run  its  last  excursion,  at  a  stroke 
He  made  the  weather  fine. 

Such  is  the  truth.     'Twas  much  the  same  last  year. 

And,  while  his  taste  in  humour  goes  unchecked, 
And  men  will  try  to  fly,  it  isn't  clear 

What  else  we  can  expect.  Duii-DuM. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


TiY/V/»  If^C—  1^  '/t  V • 

Sporting  Tenant.  "Wiiy,  PAT,  WHAT'S  BECOME  OF  ALL  THOSE  wo  PLYMOUTH  ROCKS  I  BROUGHT  YOU  OVER  LAST  YKAR!    I  SKB 

YOU  'VE  GONE  BACK  TO  THE  LITTLE  FELLOWS."  ^ 

POt.    "WELI,   SOB,    THIM   FOWLS   WAS  TOO  TALL  ALTOGETHER,    AND   WHIN   THEY  STOOD   UP  UNDER  TUB   BED  YOU   FKLT  THEM. 


Tuung  Lady.  "WELL,  MRS.  HIOGINDOTTOM,  AND  HOW  ARE  YOU  GEITISO  ON?    WON'T  YOU  HAVE  ANOTHER  PIECE  OF  CAKE!" 
Old  Woman  (with  «ti  eye  to  1he  ham  saiulwKhei).    "WhLL,   MUM,   IF  IT'S  ALL  THE  SAME  TO  YOU,   I'D  RATHER  'AVB  A  TASTE  o' 

Sl'MMAT  AS  HAS  DRORKD  BREATH  I" 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


JUST  A    FEW     FEKNS 


SOME     OF   THIS    HEAV£Nl_\ 


SOME      LOVELY    MUSHROOMS 


ONE  OB  TWO  FIRCONES 


LEAF"    MOU1.O  i 


SWE^T 


THE    THRIFTY    BRIDE. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


REFINEMENT    IN    OUR    SEASIDE    ENTERTAINMENTS. 

PlKUr.OTS  SINOISO   ItEFOUK  THE   MAYOR  AND  SONG-C'EXSORSHIP  OOMMITl'tE  OF  SHKIMFLETON-ON-SEA. 


["  Nowadays,  when  the  sport  attracts  such  enormous  throngs  of  hard  riders  iu  many  comities,  a  joiut  mastership  is  the  only  practical 
means  whereby  a  man  can  hunt  his  own  hounds." — The  Times.] 

Joint  Master.  "HOLD  'EM  HARD,  OLD  MAS!    I'LL  DO  THE  SAMK  FOR  YOU  NEXT  TIME." 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1911. 


: 

\ 


"OUR    DANCE,    I    THINK? 


JANIUUY  4,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


THE   ORATOR   TO  HIS  TUB. 

[A  Rejected  Candidate,  after  seeking  temporary  oblivion  iu  the  orgies 
of  the  season,  turns  hU  thoughts  to  one  who  did  him  faithful  service  in 
the  late  campaign.] 

DONE  are  the  days  when  you  used  to  accompany 

Me,  while  I  bumped  you  and  banged  you  about ; 
Never  again  shall  I  hammer  and  thump  any 

Barrel  whose  sides  are  so  solid  and  stout. 
Scattered  the  hustlers  and  hecklers— so  sly  a  tribe, 

Armed  with  the  frail  and  ubiquitous  egg, 
Making  the  orator  skip  to  his  diatribe, 

Dancing  a  two-step  on  top  of  his  keg. 

Dead  is  the  contest,  and  I,  your  Diogenes, 

Seeking  again  my  legitimate  trade, 
Gratefully  send  you,  my  barrel,  to  lodge  in  ease 

Up  in  the  tool-house  with  mattock  and  spade. 
There  may  you  lie  like  a  veteran  "  warrior 

Taking  his  rest,"  while  I,  full  of  the  past, 
Wonder  if,  after  the  fight,  you  are  sorry  or 

Glad  you  have  won  to  a  haven  at  last. 

Have  you  a  wish  even  now  to  be  at  it  ?     You  'd 
Still  wish  to  hector  and  fluster  and  rage, 

Mouthing  the  sesquipedalian  platitude, 
Pessimist,  patriot,  prophet,  and  sage  ? 

Harping  again  on  the  wrong  and  the  right  of  it — 
Language  and  libel  and  laughter  and  lies — 

A'OL.  CX.L. 


Making,  as  folks  say,  no  end  of  a  night  of  it, 
Spouting  unspeakable  swank  to  the  skies  ? 

No !    I  had  rather  (if  one  quite  so  far  gone  ought 

Ever  to  preach  to  a  comrade  in  crime) 
See  you  a  sort  of  a  voluble  Argonaut, 

Telling  brave  tales  of  an  alien  clime ; 
Spinning  your  yarns  to  the  tool-house  habitue — 

Lawn-mowers  hang  on  each  word  that  you  say ! — 
Pleased  with  your  lot,  while  your  hearers  .admit  you  a 

Regular  dog  of  a  tub  in  your  day ! 

But,  if  it 's  otherwise,  this  be  your  nemesis : — • 

Oaths  I  have  taken  of  terrible  strength 
(Time  that  I  ended !     It  seems  that  my  MS.  is 

Running  to  quite  an  inordinate  length) 
Never  to  rise  in  forensic  apparel  and 

Roar  through  the  night  the  eternal  refrain  ; 
Never  to  squat  on  the  top  of  a  barrel  and 

Never  to  take  to  tub-thumping  again ! 


"The  Purser  told  a  Press  representative  that  the  voyage  had  been  a 
delightful  one.  Madame  Helba  had  been  unable  to  take  part  in  the 
concerts  on  account  of  a  cold  she  had  contracted.  He  added  that  the 
Cuiiard  Company  had  given  the  whole  of  the  crew  two  days'  extra  pay 
iu  honour  of  the  occasion." — Manchester  Evening  News. 


We  are 

tried. 


sure  the  Purser  could  be  nicer  than  that  if  he 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1911. 


A   HOLT   FROM   THE    BLUE. 

THE  recent  Elections,  which  served 
to  tide  The  Daily  Mail  over  the  inter- 
val between  the  two  most  thrilling 
events  of  the  century— the  CKIPPEN 
case  and  Mr.  HOLT'S  trip  to  Washing- 
ton— have  sunk  into  their  proper  insig- 
nificance, and  the  universal  topic  of 
conversation  during  the  festivities  of 
Christmas  and  the  New  Year  has 
been  that  stupendous  achievement 
of  The  Mail's  representative  which 
marks  a  new  epoch  in  the  History  of 
Travel. 

While  yet  this  World-feat,  whose 
memory  we  shall  not  willingly  allow  to 
die,  is  fresh  on  the  lips  of  every  lover  of 
England,  let  us  fix  in  our  minds  its  fas- 
cinating details.  At  noon  on  Decem- 
ber 10  Mr.  HOLT,  whose  greatness  was 
still  only  in  the  stage  of  promise,  left 
Euston.  Later  in  the  day  he  stepped 
on  board  the  Mauretania  bound  for 
New  York,  and  never  mice  quitted  the 
leviathan  till  the  passage  was  completed. 
Thus  early  in  this  historic  adventure  he 
proved  that  he  was  not  the  kind  of 
man  to  relinquish  his  quest  in  rnid- 
oceart. 

Alighting  on  earth  at  Jersey  City, 
he  entered  a  train  which  can-led  him 
to  Washington.  Here  he  shook  hands 
with  several  people,  and  then  returned, 
with  brief  stoppages  at  Baltimore  and 
Philadelphia,  shaking  hands  as  he  went 
along.  Throughout  his  triumphant  pro- 
gress he  showed  the  same  relentless 
tenacity  of  purpose  which  characterised 
his  nautical  effort.  Never  once  did  he 
suffer  his  car  to  be  side-tracked  from 
its  course. 

On  arriving  at  New  York  his  quick 
eye  at  once  took  in  the  characteristic 
sky-scraper;  and  next  afternoon,  after 
a  tedious  delay  of  nearly  twenty-four 
hours,  he  again  embarked  on  the  Maure- 
tania amid  loud  clicks  of  the  camera, 
having  snatched  from  the  Western 
hemisphere  that  Record  for  Hustle  of 
which  the  possession  had  hitherto 
been  the  envy  and  admiration  of 
the  Globe.  A  new  fillip  was  thus  given 
to  the  failing  life-blood  of  the  Old 
World. 

Meanwhile  let  us  not  forget  the  part 
played  in  this  moving  drama  by  the 
Mauretania  herself,  for,  after  all,  she 
was  the  instrument,  however  humble, 
without  which  the  achievement  of  Mr. 
HOLT  might  never  have  been  realised. 
While  our  hero  had  been  sitting  in 
trains  and  shaking  hands  and  taking 
notes  of  local  phenomena,  the  leviathan 
had  not  been  idle.  She  had  actually 
turned  round  within  a  day  and  a  half — 
a  performance  for  which  five  days  is 
the  customary  minimum  allowance. 
On  the  homeward  voyage — executed 


in  one  piece  without  a  break  —  Mr. 
HOLT  was  the  cynosure  of  half-a-dozen 
different  decks.  Even  Americans  ad- 
mitted that  he  had  proved  himself  the 
equal  of  PEARY  in  daring  and  en- 
durance, while  in  point  of  pace  he  had 
easily  eclipsed  the  Polar  veteran. 

Landing  at  Fishguard,  Mr.  HOLT 
proceeded  to  London  by  a  non-stopping 
train,  and  reached  The  Daily  Mail 
office  at  3.39  A.M.  on  December  23, 
having  completed  some  7,000  mi!es  in 
12  days  15  hours  39  minutes,  at  an 
average  speed  equal  to,  if  not  sur- 
passing, that  of  -  the  best  suburban 
trains  on  the  South-Eastern  Railway. 

Mr.  HOLT  shows  singularly  few  signs 
of  the  awful  strain  which  he  must  have 
undergone,  especially  during  the  ten 
days  at  sea,  where  he  had  to  face  the 
terrible  rigours  of  modern  life  on  a 
floating  Ritz.  His  three-quarter-figure 
photograph  covered  some  twenty-three 
square  inches  in  The  Daily  Mail  two 
days  after  his  unparalleled  exertions  in 
the  United  States,  but  after  his  return 
he  occupied  the  same  space,  in  the  same 
paper,  with  his  mere  head  and  shoulders. 
His  face  is  now  a  household  joy  in 
a  million  happy  British  homes ;  and 
his  tremendous  feat  is  the  object  of 
veneration  among  five  times  as  many 
people  as  are  served  by  any  penny 
London  morning  paper. 

From  the  meagre  seven  columns 
which  Mr.  HOLT  was  allowed  in  The 
Daily  Mail  for  the  story  of  his  im- 
pressions as  an  explorer,  one  tries  to 
visualise  his  personality.  For  a  man  who 
had  proved  himself  possessed  of  such 
adamantine  resolution,  the  glimpses  of 
his  character  which  may  be  culled  from 
his  articles  seem  strangely  elusive. 
But  it  was  easy  to  recognise  the 
modesty  which  came  unspoilt  out  of 
a  triumph  that  might  well  have  turned 
the  head  of  a  smaller  hero.  It  is  true 
that  some  of  his  statements  (as,  for 
instance :  "  I  broke  the  record  between 
New  York  and  Washington ;  I  broke 
the  record  between  Fishguard  and  Pad- 
dington")  might  appear  to  be  tinged 
by  egoism ;  but,  after  all,  to  have  dis- 
tributed the  credit  among  the  minor 
performers  • —  obscure  engine  -  drivers, 
stokers,  traffic-managers,  etc. — would 
have  been  the  merest  pedantry  and 
affectation. 

To  illustrate  his  impression  of  the 
Mauretania's  outward  voyage,  I  notice 
that  he  quotes  these  lines : — 

"  When  descends  on  the  Atlantic 
The  gigantic 
Storm-wiud  of  the  Equinox." 

The  word  "Equinox"  throws  a  fresl 
light  upon  the  blind  courage  of   this 
intrepid  passenger.     If  he  really  sup- 
posed that  mid-December  is  the  usua 
period  for  the   Equinoctial   gales  this 


•eveals  an  elemental  inexperience  of 
the  natural  laws  governing  our  planet 
which  adds,  if  possible,  a  new  touch 
of  bravado  to  the  astounding  contempt 
of  danger  displayed  in  this  maritime 
achievement. 

If  England  occupies  to-day  a  higher 
place  in  the  estimation  of  all  true ' 
\mericans  than  she  has  held  since  the 
days  of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers,  she  owes  it 
rO  her  HOLT.  He  has  made  History, 
as  History  can  never  have  been  made 
jefore.  O.  S. 


GHOSTS  OF  PAPER. 

SHOULD  you  go  down  Ludgate  Hill, 
As  I  'm  sure  you  sometimes  will, 
When  the  dark  comes  soft  and  new, 
•mudged  and  smooth  and  powder-blue, 
And  the  lights  on  either  hand 
Run  away  to  reach  the  Strand ; 
And  the  winter  rains  that  stream 
Make  the  pavements  glance  and  gleam  ; 
There  you  '11  see  the  wet  roofs  rise 
Packed  against  the  lamp-lit  skies, 
And  at  once  you  shall  look  down 
tnto  an  enchanted  town. 
Jewelled  Fleet  Street,  golden  gay, 
Sloughs  the  drab  of  work-a-day, 

lonjuring  before  you  then 
All  her  ghosts  of  ink  and  pen, 
Striking  from  her  magic  mint 
Places  you  have  loved  in  print, 
From  the  fairy  towns  and  streets    • 
Raised  by  Djinn  and  fierce  Afreets, 
To  the  columned  brass  that  shone 
On  the  gates  of  Babylon ; 
You  shall  wander,  mazed,  amid 
Pylon,  palm,  and  pyramid ; 
You  shall  see,  where  taxis  throng, 
River  lamps  of  old  Hong  Kong ; 
See  the  ramparts  standing  tall 
Of  the  wondrous  Tartar  Wall ; 
See,  despite  of  rain  and  wind, 
Marble  towns  of  rosy  Ind, 
And  the  domes  and  palaces 
Crowning  Tripolis  and  Fez; 
While,  where  buses  churn  and  splash, 
There  's  the  ripple  of  a  sash, 
Silken  maid  and  paper  fan 
And  the  peach-bloom  of  Japan  ; 
But,  the  finest  thing  of  all, 
You  shall  ride  a  charger  tall 
Into  huddled  towns  that  haunt 
Picture-books  of  old  Romaunt, 
Where  go  squire  and  knight  and  saint, 
Heavy  limned  in  golden  paint ; 
You  shall  ride  above  the  crowd 
On  a  courser  pacing  proud, 
In  fit  panoply  and  meet 
Through  he-cobbled  square  and  street, 
Where  with  bays  and  gestures  bland 
Little  brown-faced  angels  stand  ! 
-;;•  *  -::-  * 

These  are  some  of  things  you  '11  view 
When  the  night  is  blurred  and  blue, 
If  you  look  down  Ludgate  Hill, 
As  I  'm  sure  you  often  will ! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JANUABY  4.  1911. 


TOWARDS   THE   RAPPROCHEMENT. 

CBOWN  PRINCE  OF  GF.HMANY  (in  India,  writing  home).  "  DEAR  PAPA,  I  AM  DOING  MYSELF  PROUD. 
THESE   ENGLISH   AREN'T  HALF  BAD   FELLOWS  WHEN   YOU   GET  TO   KNOW  THEM." 


JANUARY  4,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


:±_  ^aJiffieytenreV  jfi'  ":L 


Jjondoncr  (to  I'at,  seeing  a  R«gl>ij  game  fur  the  fmt  time).   "WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  OF  IT,  TAT?'' 
/>««.  "  BKGORKA,  IT  'UD  BE  A  JEWEL  OF  A  CAME  IF  THEY  oxi.v  HAD  SHUCKS  ! " 


OUR  SEASONABLE  SYMPOSIUM. 

WHEN  there  is  nothing  much  happen- 
ing the  complete  editor  does  his  best  to 
get  his  paper  written  (free)  by  illustrious 
persons.  There  is  never  less  doing 
than  in  Christmas  and  New  Year 
weeks,  hence  the  following  columns  of 
negligible  matter.  We  have  sent  a 
circular  to  a  number  of  well-known 
men  and  women  requesting  their 
answer  to  the  question,  "Are  Christ- 
mas presents  and  New  Year  gifts  worth 
all  the  trouble  of  thanking  people  for 
them  ?  "  A  selection  of  replies  will  be 
found  below. 

Mr.  ASQUITH  writes  :  "  A  Christmas 
present  of  a  majority  of  .126  is  worth 
any  trouble." 

Mr.  BIRRELL  writes :  "  Your  question 
leads  to  another.  What  should  one 
say  when,  instead  of  receiving  a  present 
at  Christmas,  one  has  one's  property 
abstracted?  Here  there  is  doubtless 
considerable  choice  of  expressions. 
Personally,  I  am  very  glad  to  see  1911 
and  get  out  of  a  year  which  assisted 
me  to  a  strained  leg  and  the  companion- 
ship of  such  attentive  cross-Channel 
thieves." 

Mrs.  HUMPHRY  WARD  writes :  "  I 
am  too  busy  with  my  new  Coruhill 
serial,  The  Case  of  Richard  Mcynell,  to 
be  able  to  accede  to  your  request." 


"Mrs.  MEYNEI/L  writes:  "I  would 
reply  at  once  were  I  not  so  immersed 
in  my  critical  study  of  ABTEMUS  WARD 
and  his  English  kith  and  kin." 

Mr.  A.  C.  BENSON  writes:  "The 
query  is  a  deep  one  leading  to  profound 
meditation.  In  some — I  am  glad  to 
say  rare — moments  of  pessimism  I 
might  bo  disposed  to  answer  in  the 
negative.  This  is  when  I  find  my 
Christmas  breakfast-table  covered  with 
votive  offerings  from  my  myriad 
readers  while  I  am  suffering  from 
writer's  cramp  with  complications.  It 
is  then  that,  if  I  were  not  so  bitterly 
opposed  to  capital  punishment,  I  might 
be  tempted  to  exclaim,  '  Hang  it ! ' 
But  happily  my  better  nature  triumphs ; 
and  my  mature  opinion  is  that  presents 
are  worth  while." 

Mr.  ROGER  FRY  writes :  "  To  my 
analytical  mind  it  all  depends  on  what 
kind  of  Christmas  presents  or  New 
Year's  gifts  one  receives.  If,  for 
example,  it  is  a  canvas  by  a  straight- 
forward painter  who  has  brought  to 
bear  on  his  faithful  delineations  of 
nature  all  the  knowledge  of  his  greatest 
predecessors,  I  shall  say  certainly  not. 
It  is  not  worth  a  thank  you.  But,  on 
the  other  hand,  for  a  naked  Tahitian 
woman  by  GAUGUIN,  sprawling  and 
ungainly,  and  cruder  than  a  ginger- 
bread figure,  or  a  frameful  of  MATISSE'S 


scrapings,  how  could  one's 
gratitude  find  adequate  expression  ?  " 

Mr.  JOHN  SMITH  writes :  "  In  my 
opinion  Christmas  presents  and  New 
Year  gifts  are  not  worth  the  trouble 
of  saying  thank  you  for.  At  least,  that 
is  what  I  have  decided  after  attempting 
to  write  different  replies  to  the  three 
persons  who  have  given  me  paper 
knives  (of  which  I  had  a  dozen  before). 
Next  year  I  shall  distribute  a  printed 
form  stating  that  it  was  '  exactly  what 
I  wanted." " 

"PATERFAMILIAS"  writes:  "I  have 
not  enough  gratitude  in  my  body  for 
the  manager  of  The  Times  for  his 
Christmas  gift  of  the  classified  index 
once  more.  I  did  not  know  where  I 
was  during  the  week  or  so  that  he 
stopped  it." 

"In  the  birth-throes  of  the  present  General 
Election  there  is  a  1  mod  of  possibilities  whose 
momentum  no  man  can  measure." 

This  is  the  beginning  of  a  leader  in  The 
Camberwell  Borough  Advertiser,  headed 
WHAT  NEXT?  We  are  longing  for 
some  more. 

"  Mr.  Nugent  Monck  was  easily 
recognisable  as  Satan,"  says  The  East- 
ern Daily  Press  in  its  account  of  the 
Norwich  Mystery  Play. 

"  The  Devil  a  Monc'k  would  be." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1911. 


CHARIVARIA. 

WITH  reference  to  "  The  Times  House 
of  Commons,"  wo  understand  that  our 
contemporary  would  like  it  to  be  known 
tliat  it  is  not  responsible  for  the  com- 
position of  that  body,  which  it  con- 
siders faulty  in  many  respects. 

:;: 

M.  JKAN  T.ONGUET,  in  his  account  in 
L'Humanite  of  his  conversation  with 
the  CHANCELLOR  OP  THE  EXCHEQUER, 
stated  that  tho  interview  was  readily 
granted  by  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  on  the 
understanding  that  a  distinc- 
tion should  he  made  between 
what  he  said  "en  'gentle- 
man ' "  and  what  was  said 
for  publication.  An  unfor- 
tunate distinction,  not  infre- 
quently made  by  some  of  our 
more  combative  politicians. 


M.  LONGUET  now  tells  us 
that  all  the  statements  which 
he  attributed  to  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR were  sent  before 
publication  to  one  of  Mr. 
GEORGE'S  political  friends, 
who  returned  them  after 
revising  and  making  certain 
modifications.  Who,  we 
wonder,  was  this  friend  ? 
Was  it  Mr.  EEDMOND  ?  Or 
was  it  Mr.  KEIR  HABDIE  ? 
Anyhow,  it  is  most  interest- 
ing to  know  that  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR has  a  manager. 
*...* 

The  Yarmouth  Town 
Council  has  been  discussing 
the  prodigious  appetite  of 
the  sea-gulls,  whose  num- 
bers are  constantly  increas- 
ing, to  the  great  detriment  of 
the  fisheries.  No  fewer  than 
three  times  a  Bill  has  been 
passed  by  the  House  of  Lords 
to  deal  with  this  question, 
but,  unhappily,  the  fate  of 
the  measure  has  always  been 
the  same — to  be  talked  out 
in  the  House  of  Commons, 
is  time  that  the  Lower 
abolished. 


official  instructor  of  wrestlin. 
defence  to  the  City  Police. 


and  self-   appearance  in  pantomime  as  a  Dodo  he 
has  forsaken  the  hoards. 


We  hear  that,  as  a  result  of  the 
recent  trial  of  Captain  TRENCH  and 
Lieutenant  BRANDON,  the  local  scenery 
of  the  Frisian  islands  is,  with  charac- 
teristic German  thoroughness,  to  be 
entirely  altered  so  that  any  informa- 
tion which  may  have  leaked  out  may 
be  rendered  useless.  Mountains,  we 
hear,  are  to  be  erected  at  once  (on  the 
lines  of  the  Mid-Surrey  Golf  Club's  new 
Alpine  bunkers),  and  the  "  church- 


It  looks  as 
have  a  rival 
business.  Tho 


if  Mr.  PELISSIEH  is  to 
in  the  potted  play 
lillo  of  Mr.  PINKHO'S 


Lady.  "CAN'T  YOU  FIND  WORK?" 

Tramp.  "YESSUM;  BUT  EVERYONE  WANT*  A  REFERENCE  FROM  MY 

LAST   EMPLOYER." 

L  dy.  "AND  CAN'T  YOU  GET  ONE!" 

Tramp.   "No,  MUM.     YEP.  SEE,  HE'S   BEEN  DEAD  TWENTY-EIGHT 
YEARS." 


forthcoming  comedy  is  Preserving  Mi: 
Panmure.  .,.  ... 

A  novel  feature  of  the  Palladium, 
the  new  music-hall,  is  a  box-to-box 
telephone  service,  which  will  enable 
members  of  the  audience  recognising 
friends  on  the  opposite  side  of  the 
house  to  ring  them  up  during 
the  performance.  This,  it  is 
thought,  will  be  far  less  ob- 
jectionable than  shouting 
across  the  theatre,  a  proceed- 
ing to  which  many  highly 
strung  artistes  have  an  almost 
insuperable  objection. 


By-the-by  these  classical 
names  for  music-halls  seem 
to  be  growing  in  favour.  We 
now  have  a  Palladium  and 
a  Coliseum,  and  it  is  even 
rumoured  that  we  are  to 
have  an  Amuseum. 

'-.'  £ 

# 

At  a  time  when  all  thought- 
ful persons  are  of  the  opinion 
that  a  vulgar  display  of  jewel- 
lery is  a  thing  to  be  dis- 
couraged, it  seems  regrettable 
that  a  lady,  on  arriving  in 
New  York  the  other  day, 
should  have  been  fined  £1,000 
for  concealing  a  pearl  neck- 
lace in  the  brim  of  her  hat. 
•I-  -:.- 
•f- 

"  GUIDE    TO   PARENTS  " 

is  the  heading  of  an  adver- 
tisement paragraph  in  The 
Daily  Mail.  This  should 
certainly  supply  a  want.  So 
many  persons  make  a  mis- 
take in  the  choice  of  parents. 


Beally  it 
House   was 


And  why,  we  would  ask,  should  a 
Liberal  Government  be  so  fond  of  gulls'? 

The  HOME  SECRETARY  having  refused 
to  sanction  a  by-law  prohibiting  roller- 
skating  on  the  footpaths  in  Stoke 
Newington,  nervous  pedestrians,  it  is 
thought,  will  now  be  compelled  to  take 

to  aeroplanes. 

* 

• 

What  to  do  with  our  Barons? 
Baron  ALBRECHT  VON  KNOBELSDORFF 
BEENKENHOFF  has  been  appointed 


tower"  which  was  mentioned  in  the 
course  of  the  evidence  is  to  be  con- 
verted into  a  windmill. 

;fc 

The  Home  Office  authorities  have 
instructed  the  governors  of  prisons  to 
relax  certain  restrictions  and  to  allow 
prisoners  more  liberty  than  hitherto. 


This  is  wise, 
the  strictness 


We  are  convinced  that 
of   the  regulations  has 


kept  many  people  from  entering  these 
institutions  in  the  past. 
*  * 
* 

The  Observer  tells  us  that  The  Piper 
is  "produced  by  Mr.  E.  F.  BENSON, 
who  himself  takes  the  title  role."  This 
is  wrong.  Since  Mr.  E.  P.  BENSON'S 


Wide  -  awake  people  are 
already  beginning  to  cater 
for  the  airmen.  The  most  perfect  map 
of  the  moon  ever  made*  has  been  com- 
pleted by  Mr.  WALTER  GOODACRE, 
F.E.A.S.,  after  seven  years'  work. 
*  V 

An  advertisement  announces  "  THE 

PRICE   OF   HOME    RULE.        By    L.     COPE 

COHNFOHD.     6d.  net."     So  the  price  to 
be  paid  is  not  so  terrible,  after  all ! 

* 

According  to  the  Hay  ward's  Heatlr 
correspondent  of  The  Daily  Chronicle  : ' 
"A  huge  ball  of  fire  passed  over  this 
district  last  evening,  being  followed 
shortly  afterwards  by  shooting  stars." 
This  is  interesting  as  showing  that  the 


JANUAHY  4,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


JL! 


SEASONABLE    CAUTION. 

IF  YOU   HAVE  BEES    KIXD   ENOUGH   TO   PULL  A  FEW  CRACKERS   WITH  THE  LITTLE  ONES,    REMOVE  ALL  TRACES  OF  THEM    BEFJRE 

YOU   STAKT  ON   A   VIOLENT  DISCUSSION  OF  THE   VETO. 


apparition  was  evidently  regarded  in 

the  heavens  as  a  dangerous  body. 

*  * 
* 

A  remarkable  scene  in  Eotten  Row 
was  described,  in  a  police-court  the 
other  day.  Between  twenty  and  thirty 
horses  were  bitten  by  a  bulldog. 
"  When  the  dog  was  eventually  cap- 
tured," we  are  told,  "he  showed  no 
sign  of  bad  temper."  How  character- 
istic of  dear  doggie's  good  nature. 

:|:  ^  :;: 

Eighteen  door-keys,  a  Yale-key,  a 
chisel,  a  screw-driver,  a  needle-and- 
tliread,  and  a  piece  of  soap  were  found 
in  the  pockets  of  a  man  arrested  for 
lowering  in  Hastings  last  week.  The 
police  incline  to  the  theory  that  he  is  a 
burglar.  ...  ,.. 

•I- 

Dr.  EMIL  BUNZL,  of  Vienna,  states 
that  yawning  is  of  the  greatest  pos- 
sible value  to  health,  and  the  writer  of 
these  notes  hopes  to  be  yet  acclaimed  as 
a  public  benefactor. 

There  seems  to  be  some  doubt  as  to 
whether  Englishwomen  will  adopt  the 
"  harem  skirt."  Yet  it  ought  to  go 
well  with  the  "  scarom  hat." 


"  When  women  fly,"  says  a  con- 
temporary, "  some  such  garment  will 
have  to  be  adopted."  And  then  the 
men  will  fly  too. 

:|:     £ 

The  fact  that  a  French  artist  should 
only  have  been  sentenced  to  one 
month's  imprisonment  for  murdering 
his  wife  is  being  much  commented  on, 
but  we  are  informed  that  the  reports 
published  in  our  papers  are  not  quite 
correct.  The  judge,  in  addition,  gave 
the  murderer  a  talking-to,  and  told 
him  quite  plainly  that  in  future  he 
must  not  give  way  to  these  petty  dis- 
plays of  temper. 

MY  ALMANAC. 
(A  Threat  to  the  New  Year.) 
Nineteen  hundred  and  eleven  ! 

Year  with  hope  and  promise  gay, 
Multiple  of  three  and  seven, 
Rhyming  perfectly  with  heaven, 
List  my  lay. 

Lo,  while  all  the  woodlands  briery 

Still  no  trace  of  colour  grant 
(Save  where  hips  are  gleaming  fiery), 
I  've  been  sent  a  sort  of  diary 
By  my  aunt. 


This  I  shall  not  fill  with  racy 

Oozings  from  the  midnight  lamp, 
Sentimental  odes  to  Gracie, 
Essays  of  the  Mr.  A.  0. 
BENSON  stamp. 

No,  another  plan  I  '11  follow, 

Rather  shall  this  pious  tome 
Check  the  failures  of  Apollo, 
Once  supposed  to  gild  the  hollow 
Sapphire  dome. 

Every  day  the  god 's  unpleasant, 

I  shall  write  this  epigram 
In  my  aunt's  delightful  present — 
Just  a  single  effervescent, 
Heartfelt  "  Hang !  " 

Nineteen-hundred  and  eleven ! 

Thus,    when   worn    and    wan    with 

snow, 

Multiple  of  three  and  seven, 
Rhyming  perfectly  with  heaven, 
Out  you  go, 

All  the  noons  when  Phcebe  slumbered, 

All  the  hours  when  earth  beneath 
Lay  with  mist  and  mire  encumbered, 
I  shall  hurl,  precisely  numbered, 

In  your  teeth.  EVOE. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1911. 


THE    YEAR'S    PROSPECTS. 

ALTHOUGH  you  are  still  dating  your 
letters  "  1910,"  the  fact  remains  that 
we  have  slipped  once  again  into  a  New 
Year.  The  change  occurred  (so  re- 
morseless is  the  flight  of  time)  on  the 
stroke  of  midnight  last  Saturday,  at  a 
moment  when  you  were  round  the 
wassail-howl,  and  was  duly  noted  by 
our  lynx-eyed  Press.  I  propose  now, 
if  you  are  awake,  to  discuss  with  you 
the  coming  events,  as  far  as  they  can 
be  forecasted,  of  1911. 

ADVERTISEMENTS. 
Most  of  the  advertisements  of  the 


year  1911  will  be 
bridge  University. 


inspired   by  Cani- 
For  this  reason  a 


Chair  of  Literature  has  recently  been 
endowed  at  the  famous  seat  of  learn- 
ing, the  first  appointment  to  it  being 
that  of  Mr.  HOOPEB.  Mr.  HOOPER'S 
style  is,  if  anything,  more  mellow  even 
than  it  was  in  1903,  and  it  is  expected 
that  with  the  present  year  bis  intel- 
lectual powers  will  reach  the  extreme 
height  of  their  expression.  His  great 
Scholarship  scheme  will  be  announced 
by  the  University  during  1911.  But 
you  should  order  your  set  now. 

BUDGETS. 

There  will  be  one  of  these. 
CORONATIONS. 

There  will  be  one  of  these,  too.  The 
actual  affair  will  take  less  than  a  day, 
but  for  weeks  and  weeks  beforehand 
you  will  have  to  read  Coronation  odes 
and  Coronation  articles.  You  may  as 
well  begin  at  once.  Mr.  Punch's  his- 
torical pamphlet,  containing  an  ac- 
count of  the  coronation  of  every 
sovereign  from  Harold  Hardshanks  to 
the  present  May-Queen  of  Cricklewood, 
will  be  out  to-morrow. 

DRAMA. 

Many  notable  additions  to  dramatic 
literatnre  will  be  made  in  1911.  Several 
entirely  new  plays  will  be  performed, 
whose  plots  hinge  upon  the  fact  that 
the  sinister  Mrs.  Dufray  is  attempting 
to  blackmail  John  Sterne  by  means  of 
a  packet  of  letters  which  he  bad  written 
to  her  in  a  moment  of  mistaken 
enthusiasm.  Luckily  John  gets  a 
telegram  to  say  that  she  has  died 
suddenly  on  her  way  to  Dover.  In  the 
world  of  musical  comedy  the  rich  and 
beautiful  Angela  will  change  places  with 
her  maid,  thereby  evading  several 
unwelcome  proposals. 

ELECTIONS. 

There  will  be  none  of  these.     This  is 

1a  promise.     If   by   any  extraordinary 
chance  there  should  be  one,  come  to 


the  office  and  ask  for  your  money  back. 
You  won't  get  it,  but  we  shall  be  glad 
to  see  you.  Note  the  missionary-box 
on  the  left-hand  side  of  the  door  as 
you  pass  out. 

FRENCH. 

A  lot  of  French  will  be  spoken  in 
1911.  Hors  (concoitrs  and  d'auvrc), 
entro  nousjeu  d' esprit,  Jupiter  Pluvius, 
eureka  and  ben  trooato  will  be  among 
the  most  popular  remarks  of  the  day. 
Omne  tulit  pimctitm  qui  miscuit  -utilc 
dulci,  or  something  like  that,  will  be 
the  1911  catch-phrase  at  the  music- 
halls. 

GEORGE  (LLOYD). 

I  had  hoped  to  get  through  without 
referring  to  this,  but  I  feel  that  it 
would  he  wrong  to  pretend  that  there 
will  be  no  mention  of  him  in  the  1911 
papers.  His  name  is  bound  to  crop  up 


Look  out  for  it  and  see  if  you  can  spot 
it  before  your  friend  does. 

HIATUS. 

There  is  going  to  be  a  hiatus  now, 
until  we  get  to  L.  It  is  obvious  that 
I  cannot  mention  all  the  wonderful 
things  which  are  going  to  take  place  in 
the  New  Year,  and  in  any  case  there 's 
no  prospect  of  anything  very  exciting 
in  the  I  or  J  line  happening  in  1911. 

KORONATION. 
This    is    another    way    of    spelling 


is 
Coronation. 


I  only 


way 
just  want 


to  re- 


mind you  that  this  is  the  year  for  it. 

LORDS  (OLD). 
It  will  be  a  memorable  year  for  the 
House  of  Lords.  The  great  battle  of 
1911  will  take  its  place  in  the  history 
books  of  the  future  with  Hastings  and 
Waterloo.  The  broken  square  of  New- 
tons,  the  final  rally  of  the  De  La  Warr 
Die-hards,  the  mad  charge  of  the 
Death-or-Glory  Midletons  to  the  war- 
cry,  "A  Saye  and  Sele ! " — these  will 
be  subjects  for  the  battle  pictures  of 
to-morrow. 

LOKDS  (NEW). 

But  first  there  will  have  to  be  lots 
and  lots  and  lots  of  these — perhaps. 

MARQUESSKS. 

Even  two  or  three  brace  of  these. 
They  might  just  possibly  ask  you  or 
me !  It  is  a  solemn  thought. 

NOEL. 

It  seems  too  bad  to  remind  you  that 
we  shall  be  hearing  all  about  this 
gentleman  again  before  the  year  is 
over.  He  will  turn  up  in  1911  all  right, 
depend  upon  it.  This  won't  exactly  be 
a  notable  feature  of  the  year,  but  there 
will  be  a  good  deal  of  talk  about  it 
later  on. 


PARENTHESIS. 

(I  ought  to  have  said  before  that 
Coronations  are  dc  rigucitr  this  year.) 

REBELLIONS. 

The  date  of  the  Rebellion  in  Ulster 
has  not  definitely  been  settled  yet; 
but  due  notice  will  be  sent  to  all  the 
papers  in  time  for  the  early  sporting 
editions. 

STORY  (SENSATIONAL,  OF  WEST  END 
CLUB). 

With  any  luck  there  will  be  about 
three  of  these  during  the  year — one 
from  Soho,  and  one  from  Hammer- 
smith, and  one  from  Netting  Hill. 

TUBES. 

Tubes  will  enter  upon  an  entirely 
new  era.  In  future  no  smoking  will  be 
allowed  in  the  lifts,  and  the  attendants 
will  see  to  it  that  everybody  is  standing 
clear  of  the  gates.  The  lift  will  then 
descend,  and  you  will  be  in  time  to  see 
the  tail  lights  of  one  of  those  jolly 
little  trains. 

WEATHER. 

There  will  be  much  too  much  of  this 
in  1911.  Much  too  much.  However, 
we  may  get  a  fine  Sunday  towards  the 
end  of  July  or  August. 

X.  Y.  Z.  (or  rather,  N.B.). 

It  has  been  decided  that  there  shall 
be  a  Coronation  this  year.  Don't  go 
getting  the  date  wrong — 1911. 

A.  A.  M. 


i 


THE    LAST    ILLUSION. 

[Lines  written   in  dejection  and  December 
darkness.  ] 

WITH  what  excruciating  mental  aches 
We  learnt  our  early  faiths  were  all 

untrue ; 
How  deep  the  iron  entered  when  we 

knew 
That  England's  Darling  never  singed 

the  cakes ! 
That  stout  ST.  PATRICK  set  about  no 

snakes ! 
That  never  was  apple  split  by  TELL 

in  two ! 
That    no    Bill  Adams    charged    at 

Waterloo ! 
That  all  are  fancies,  fictions,  fibs  and 

fakes ! 
E'en  with  such  grief  my  soul  is  torn 

to-day ; 
For  lo,  descending  with  my  kin  and 

kitli 
To  breakfast,  suddenly,  methooght, 

Sol  shone, 

Until  I  realised  the  gas  was  on ! 
And  so  my  last  illusion  passed  away. 
The  Sun  is  but  another  Solar  myth  ! 


JANKAKY  -I,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


1 


first  Loafer.  '•  WOT  1  LIKES  ABAIIT  STARTIX'  A  NOO  YEAR  is  THAT  ALL  THE  DISTURBIN'  UUSH  o'  CHRISTMAS  is  HOVER  ! " 
Hecond Loafer.  "AH,  SAME  'EBB.    AN'  wiv  THREE  'UND'ED  AND  SIXTY-FIVE  DAYS  AHEAP  ON  YER  THERE  AIN'T  so  CALL  TO  'viutr 

OVER   NUFFINK  !" 


RESOLUTION   AND   RETRIBU- 
TION. 

PETER  was  playing  sulkily  with  an 
engine  that  had  only  three  wheels ; 
Margaret  threw  aside  the  book  she  had 
jnst  finished  reading  for  the  third  time 
and  yawned ;  Norman  searched  half- 
heartedly for  the  nih  of  his  new  foun- 
tain pen  which  he  last  remembered 
seeing  in  the  coal-scuttle  two  days 
before;  and  Joan — Joan,  bless  her 
heart ! — was  the  only  happily  engaged 
one  of  the  lot,  for  she  had  discovered  a 
garment  on  the  chief  of  the  new  dolls 
which  could  do  with  an  extra  button, 
and  she  was  busy  attempting  to  thread 
a  bodkin. 

"  D'  you  suppose  father  never  tells  a 
lie?"  asked  Peter,  defiantly. 

"  Of  course  he  tells  'em,"  said  Norman, 
bluntly.  "Ask  Uncle  Bob  if  he  doesn't." 

"  Norman ! "  exclaimed  Margaret, 
shocked.  "Remember  that  Joan  is 
here,  even  if  you  feel  anxious  to  make 
a  cruel  attack  on  your  own  father." 

"  What  about  the  attack  he  made  on 
me,  then  ?  "  asked  Peter.  "  Just  tacause 
1  said  it  wasn't  me  that  fired  the  air- 


gun  through  granny's  portrait,  he  jaws 
me  for  half-an-hour  about  making  good 
resolutions  for  the  New  Year,  and  then 
stops  my  mince-pies." 

"  Peter,"  sang  Joan,  "  can  I  have 
your  mince  -  pies  what  you  're  not 
'lowed  to  eat  ?  " 

"Peter's  quite  right,"  said  Norman. 
"  Father  gave  me  ten  minutes  of  it  this 
morning  because  I  was  late  for  break- 
fast, and  he  was  only  early  himself 
because  his  bedroom  clock  was  fast." 

"  Norman,  how  dare  you  say  such 
things  ?  " 

"  Well,  it 's  the  truth,  and  he  's  told 
Peter  to  speak  the  truth,  so  there  can't 
be  much  wrong  in  me  speaking  the 
truth  too." 

"  If  I  hadn't  made  a  resolution  to  be 
kind  and  gentle  to  my  brothel's  and 
sister  I  should  ba  very  angry  with  you 
two/'  said  Margaret  quietly. 

"  New  Year's  Day  ought  not  to  come 
so  near  Christmas,"  said  Norman, 
detaching  another  wheel  from  Peter's 
engine.  "  They  let  you  have  a  pretty 
fair  time  at  Christmas,  and  then  when 
all  your  presents  have  got  lost  or 
broken  and  you  feel  you  want  cheering 


up  they  worry  you  about  turning  over 
a  new  leaf  and  all  that.  And  then  the 
old  ladies  who  come  to  tea  grin  at  you 
and  say,  '  Happy  New  Year,  my  dear ! ' 
Happy  New  Year !  They  've  got  a  funny 
idea  of  happiness." 

"They  know  what  you  appear  to 
forget,  that  true  happiness  comes  from 
being  good,"  said  Margaret. 

"  Well,  Father  wasn't  particularly 
good  to  me,"  said  Peter,  "  so  he  ought 
to  be  jolly  miserable,  and  I  shan't  much 
mind  if — 

Margaret  sprang  at  Peter  and  shook 
him  furiously.  "  You  dare  say  that 
about  Father !  "  she  cried  breathlessly. 
Joan  came  to  aid  her,  but  happily  it 
was  a  bodkin  and  not  a  needle  that 
she  brought  with  her.  Norman  laughed 
and  murmured,  "Kind  and  gentle !  " 

"  I  don't  care  if  I  have  broken  it," 
said  Margaret. 

"In  addition  to  having  a  water  supply  second 
to  none  Tillicoultry  dairv  men  can  congratulate 
themselves  npon  upholding  the  prestige  of  the 
place  so  far  as  the  milk  is  coneer  ed. 

The  Dervii  Valley  Tribune. 
We  don't  remember  having  seen  it  put 
with  such  shining  candour  before. 


10 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1911. 


Aunt.  "  I  SUPPOSE  YOU'RE  ABOUT  THE  YOUNGEST  BOY  AT  YOUR  SCHOOL,  AREN'T  YOU,  TOMMY  ?" 
Tommy.  "  GOOD  GRACIOUS,  NO  !    WHY,  SOME  or  OUR  CHAPS  COME  IN  PRAMS." 


THE  LAST  CHANCE. 

[A,  hint  to  the  young  Hopeful  on  ho.v  to  get 
the  present  he  wants.  ] 

THE  most  urgent  duty  of  all  young 


don't  think  there's  anything  I  wanted 
so  much,  unless  it  was  Treasure  Island. 
I  hope  your  gout  is  much  better. 
Your  aff.  nephew,        N.  (or  M.). 
DEAREST   AUNT   JANE, — Thank  you 

people  at  This"  happy  season  of  giving !  very,  very  much  for  Treasure  Island. 
is  (of  course)  to  keep  their  relatives  up  It  was  good  of  you  to  send  it  me. 
to  the  scratch.  It  may  be  that  most !  You  could  not  have  thought  of  any- 
of  your  uncles  and  aunts  have  already  •  thing  I  should  like  so  much,  except, 
remembered  you  this  Christmas  or ,  perhaps,  a  toy  aeroplane.  hope 

New  Year ;    but  there  are  sure  to  be  Tabitha  is  keeping  well.     Believe  me, 


Your  very  loving  nephew, 

N.  (or  M.). 

Now  address  two  envelopes,  one  to 


one  or  two  black  sheep  amongst  them. 

These  may  still  retrieve  their  position 

before  the  holidays  are  over  if  a  little 

tact  is  exercised  in  reminding  them  of  Uncle  John   and   the   other   to   Aunt 

their    faults.      Let    us    suppose    that '  Jane,  and  put  Uncle  John's  letter  in 

Uncle  John  and  Aunt  Jane,  one  on  Aunt  Jane's  envelope,  and  vice  versa. 

each  side  of  the  family,  are  the  cul- }  If  after  this  you  don't   get   Treasure 


prits.  Let  us  also  suppose  (which  is 
less  likely)  that  they  don't  know  each 
other's  address  or  for  some  reason  are 
not  on  speaking  terms.  Take  two  nice 
clean  sheets  of  note-paper,  an  ink-pot 
and  a  pen,  and  carefully  holding  the 
last-named  so  that  the  top  end,  if  pro- 
duced, would  rest  on  the  right  shoulder, 
make  a  copy  of  the  following  model 
epistles : — 

DEAR  UNCLE  JOHN,  —  Thank  you 
most  awfully  for  the  toy  aeroplane  you 
so  kindly  sent  me  this  Christmas.  I 


Island  and  a  toy  aeroplane  before  the 
holidays  are  over,  I  'm  afraid  that 
Uncle  Jo'm  and  Aunt  Jane  are  both 
past  redemption,  and  no  further  notice 
need  be  taken  of  them.  Anyhow,  you 
will  have  done  your  best,  and  no  chile 
can  be  expected  to  do  more. 


The  Search  for  Beauty. 

"A  thin  face  will  look  ever  so  much  plumpe 
and  prettier  if  puflcd  out  as  widely  as  possible 
at  the  sides." — -Evening  A'rtiv. 

Plumper,  certainly,  but  not  prettier. 


THE   LITTLE  FAT  BOY. 

AN  ECHO  OF  CHRISTMAS. 
CHE  soup  came  in ,  and  the  soup  was  good . 
Che  little  boy  gobbled  as  last  as  he  could, 
And  I  frowned  reproach,  as  an  uncle 

should. 

Followed  the  fish  with  its  sauce  of  pink  ; 
Did  the  boy  say  "  Yes  "  to  it  ?— I  don't 

think ! 
Is  sherry  a  thing  that  a  child  should 

drink  ? 

In  came  the  turkey  sausage-flanked, 
Deeply  breasted  and  stoutly  shanked. 
The  boy  came  twic3.     Why  are  boys 

not  spanked  ? 

Beef  if  you  wanted  it— That  boy  did ! 
Wanted  it  twice,  the  untanned  kid  ! 
I  caught  his  eye  and  he  drooped  one  lid. 

In  came  the  pudding,  a  blaze  of  blue. 
Wider  the  eyes  of  the  fat  boy  grew. 
They  piled  his  plate,  and  he  went  right 
through. 

Oranges  next.     He  disposed  of  three  ; 
Smuggled  a  fourth  to  his  shameless  knee ; 
Beached  for  an  apple,  and  grinned  at  me. 

Aiter  dinner  his  steps  I  tracked. 

ilis  waistcoat  buttons  were  all  intact ; 

And  the  tale  I  've  told  is  a  simple  fact 


PUNCH,  OR  TPIE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  4,  1911. 


COEONATION   YEAR. 

THE  NEW  YEAR  (to  His  MAJESTY).   "AT    YOUR    SERVICE,  SIR!" 


JANUARY  4,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    RENDEZVOUS. 

I  TOOK  a  dislike  to  Peter  Gunioy  for 
the  following,  amongst  other,  reasons. 
lie  bought  a  gate-leg  table  on  which 
I  had  cast  the  purchasing  eye,  and 
married  the  lady  upon  whom  1  had  sH, 
my  heart.  Speaking  generally,  he  is 
a  grasping  fellow,  but  his  last  and 
worst  effort  has  been  to  take  the  set 
of  residential  chambers  in  the  Temple 
which  I  particularly  wanted.  Its 
official  number  is  5,  Inner  Court, 
fourth  floor,  North.  _  . 

I  dislike  Perkins  because  he  is  a 
new  porter  in  the  Temple,  and  Temple 
porters  ought  not  to  be  new ;  because 
he  wears  a  gold  band  on  his  top  hat, 
and  top  hats  look  much  nicer  without 
gold  bands ;  and  because  he  never 
touches  his  hat  to  me  when  I  pass, 
and  porters'  top  hats,  even  when  made 
of  gold,  are  meant  to  be  touched. 

My  dislikes  were  not  so  marked  as 
to  prevent  my  calling  on  Peter  Gurney 
in  his  new  rooms  in  the  Temple  on 
the  second  night  of  his  occupation. 
But  my  dislike  for  him  became  so 
marked  at  the  end  of  the  visit  that  I 
left  prepared  to  do  my  worst  by  him. 
I  felt  that  he  might  have  kept  his 
householder's  pride  for  someone  else 
under  the  circumstances.  He  should 
have  said,  "  Thess  rooms  are  not  so 
good  as  they  seem.  There  are  drains; " 
or,  "These  rooms  ave  not  so  good  as 
they  seem.  There  are  no  drains.'1  He 
did  no  such  kindly  act.  He  pointed 
me  out  all  sorts  of  additional  and 
unsuspected  advantages,  and,  having 
had  his  gloat,  he  put  me  out  of  his 
front  door  in  a  frame  of  mind  bordering 
on  the  homicidal.  The  mere  sight  of 
Perkins  at  the  Temple  gate  after  that 
was  enough  to  make  me  loathe  him  for 
ever.  The  Temple  gates  are  locked 
from  ten  at  night  till  six  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  to-night  it  was  Perkins'  melan- 
choly duty  to  sit  by  this  gate  and 
attend  it  during  those  hours.  Even 
that  thought,  however,  did  not  appease 
my  hatred  of  him. 

"Do  you  wish  to  go  out,  Sir?"  he 
said  foolishly,  starting  to  unfasten  the 
bolts. 

"Oh,  no,"  said  I,  "that  is  the  last 
thing  I  want ; "  but  the  sarcasm  was 
lost  on  him. 

"Then  what  do  you  want,  Sir?"  he 
said. 

"  I  want,"  I  said,  "  I  want  .  .  ."  and 
I  paused  to  conceive  the  most  unlikely 
thing  I  could  want.  Instead,  I  hit  on 
an  idea. 

"  No,"  I  continued,  less  ironically, 
"  I  do  not  want  to  go  out.  In  fact,  I 
live  in  here.  When  I  have  lived  here 
a  little  longer  you  will  know  me  better. 
My  name  is  Peter  Gurney,  and  I  live 


CELEBRITIES    OUT   OP   THEIR    ELEMENT.— II. 

MB.  SANDOW  IN  THE  THROES  OF  LIGHT  VERSE — WHICH  WE  UNDERSTAND  HE  VARIES 
WITH  A  LITTLE  NEEDLEWORK  OR  DELICATE  EMBROIDERY. 


at  5,  Inner  Court,  fourth  floor,  North. 
Now,  I  want  to  catch  a  very  early  train 
in  the  morning,  but  doubt  if  I  shall 
wake  up  in  time.  My  servant  does  not 
come  in  the  morning  till  seven-thirty, 
and  my  train  leaves  King's  Cross  at 
six-fifteen.  If  I  am  left  to  myself  I 
shall  wake  up  at  three  o'clock,  four 
o'clock,  and  eight  o'clock.  When  I 
want  to  be  awake  is,  of  course,  at  five. 
You,  I  understand,  will  be  hereabouts 
till  6  A.M.  to-morrow.  Will  you  come 
and  knock  loudly  on  my  door  at  five  ? 
Five  o'clock  sharp ;  and  loudly,  mind." 

"  Yes,  Sir,"  answered  Perkins,  the 
porter,  "  five  o'clock  sharp,  Sir." 

"  Thank  you,"  I  said,  "  I  will  rely  on 
you.  Here  is  a  shilling  for  yourself." 
But  I  paused  in  the  act.  Why  should 
I  give  him  the  shilling?  Why  should 
not  Peter  Gurney?  "Look  here — I 
won't  give  it  you  now.  You  may 
forget,  and,  even  if  you  don't,  the  mere 
fact  of  your  knocking  on  my  door 


doesn't  guarantee  my  getting  up,  does 
it?  Let  us  leave  it  like  this;  you 
come  and  knock  at  my  door — Peter 
Gurney,  remember,  5,  Inner  Court — 
knock  loudly  at  my  door  at  five,  and  go 
on  knocking  till  he — I  come  to  the 
door  and  give  you  the  shilling." 

Then  I  made  my  way  out  of  the 
Temple  by  another  gate,  pleasan  tly  warm 
within  at  the  thought  of  the  meeting 
between  Peter  Gurney  and  Perkins  at 
five  o'clock,  five  o'clock  sharp,  on  a 
cold  and  frosty  morning. 


Two  extracts  from  one  issue  of  The 
Daily  Chronicle : 

"  A  holiday  crowd  of  between  2,000  and  3,000 
people  witnessed  the  meet  of  Blankney  hounds 
at  the  South  Park,  Lincoln,  yesterday." 

"  Unusual  scenes  were  witnessed  yesterday  at 
Lincoln,  when  the  Blankey  hounds  met  in  the 
city.  Fully  10,000  people  assembled." 

Funny  that  the  Blankey  should  bo  so 
much  more  popular. 


H 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY   4,    1911. 


SECRETS  OF  THE  PRISON  HOUSE. 

THE  EDITOB  AND  HIS  GOLFING  EXVERT. 

DEAR  MB.  BILTON, — You  have  now 
discussed  in  the  6,000  odd  articles  you 
have  written  for  us  every  conceivable 
normal  phase  of  golf,  and  I  am  begin- 
ning to  notice  a  certain  tendency  to 
ring  the  changes  in  your  otherwise 
excellent  papers.  I  wonder  whether 
you  could  see  your  way  to  discuss  the 
pastime  under  any  novel,  abnormal, 
or  even  imaginary  conditions.  I  have 
consulted  the  editor  of  our  Sporting 
Supplement,  and  with  his  approval 
send  you  the  following  suggestions  : — 

Golf  in  the  Arctic  Regions. 

Golf  in  the  Jungle. 

Golf  in  Mars. 

Golf  as  a  ground  for  Divorce. 

The  Hobble  Skirt  as  a  Golfing 
Handicap. 

Golf  on  Horseback. 

Post-Impressionist  Golf. 

Please  remember  that  the  more 
you  strike  the  literary  note  the 
better.  Do  not  be  afraid  of  a 
touch  of  preciosity  or  even  a  Greek 
quotation.  It  may  attract  the 
un  ithlotic  reader  and  lead  to  an 
interesting  correspondence.  And 
do  not  scruple  to  refer  to  NIETZSCHE, 
BERNARD  SHAW,  DEBUSSY,  STRAUSS, 
ANATOLE  FRANCE,  VAN  GOGH,  YEATS, 
FOGAZZABO,  HENRY  JAMES,  or 
Madame  ACKTE,  if  you  can  drag 
them  in  somehow.  Yours  faith- 
fully, ADRIAN  FLAIR. 

DEAR  MB.  FLAIR,— Many  thanks 
for  your  letter  and  the  helpful 
suggestions  for  widening  the  range 
of  my  articles.  I  am  afraid  that 
my  Greek  is  rather  rocky,  and  I 
confess  that  I  had  never  heard  of 
some  of  the  people  you  mention. 
NIETZSCHE,  for  instance,  and  VAN 
GOGH  are  not  to  be  found  in  Who's 
Who.  But  I  have  a  sister  who 
very  keen  on  art  and  music  and 
classics,  and  she  has  helped  me  with 
the  enclosed  article,  which  I  submit  as 
a  sort  of  trial  trip  over  the  new  course. 
I  need  hardly  say  that  the  whole  thing 
is  entirely  imaginary,  but  that  is  what 
you  said  you  wanted. 

Yours  very  truly,    BERNARD  BILTON. 
JUNGLE   GOLF. 

It  is  one  of  the  peculiar  merits  of 
golf  that  it  can  be  played  not  only  at 
all  seasons  but  under  all  atmospheric 
and  climatic  conditions..  The  ideal 
golfer  should  always  be'  capable  of 
rising  superior  to  circumstances  and 
asserting  himself  Mp  p  ',pov,  as  HOMER 
says.  Still  there  is  a  limit  to  human 
endurance,  and  the  fate  of  a  young 


practising  mashie  shots  in  a  blizzard 
in  Montana,  should  serve  as  a  warning. 
As  the  great  NAPOLEON  said,  ilfaut  se 
bonier.  Jungle  golf,  however,  though 
one  of  the  most  arduous  and  exacting 
forms  of  the  game,  is  distinctly  within 
tin  range  of  possibility.  It  was 
NIETZSCHE  who  observed  in  his  famous 
work,  Der  Fall  Wagner,  "ilfaut  medi- 
terraniser  la  musique."  So  the  modern 
golfer  feels  the  insistent  need,  wiih  a 
view  to  effecting  a  rapprochement  be- 
tween East  and  West,  of  orientalising 
the  Royal  and  Antient  game. 

Danger,  which  lends  spice  to  all  true 
sport,  is  the  very  essence  of  jungle  golf, 
which  bears  much  the  same  relation  to 
the  suburban  variety  as  a  picture  by 
VAN  GOGH  does  to  a  canvas  of  VAN 


THE    GOLF    MANIA    SPREADING 


is 
the 


BEERS.  Here  is  not  the  enervating' 
languor  of  "  silken  Samarcand,"  but  a 
constant  strife  with  the  deadliest  forces 
of  elemental  Nature.  Contact  with  the 
Thanatophidia,  the  swift  onslaught  of 
the  greater  Felida,  await  the  player  at 
every  turn.  As  ANDREW  KIHKALDY  re- 
marked in  a  luminous  phrase,  "  it 's 
juist  one  long  suicide."  Then  there  is 
the  physical  strain  of  barging  through 
the  jungle,  amid  the  terrifying  shrieks 
of  macaws,  parrakeets,  cockatoos,  and 
other  fearsome  wild  fowl,  the  derisive 

and 
But 


hoots  of   the   simian  population, 

the  trumpeting  of  rogue  elephants. 

the  fascination  of  the  pastime  is  pro- 
portioned to  its  perils,  and  the  jungle 
golfer  comes  of  the  same  strain  as  the 
aeroplanist  and  the  football  referee. 

To  come  to  particulars,  it  may  be 
well  to  explain  that  the  holes  are  located 


Smta    0r,tK,,a  „„!.        i.       •     •  .  J-, — 6  .  i>u*s  sn»  noies  are  located 

husast,    who    masted    on  in  clearings,  but  they  are  all  approached 


through  the  jungle,  a  fact  which  re- 
duces the  clubs  required  to  two — a 
niblick  and  a  putter.  But  if  fewer 
clubs  are  used  the  number  of  balls 
needed  is  legion.  The  Maharajah  of 
GUTTIALA  once  lost  238  in  a  famous 
match  with  the  Begum  of  JELLICOIVE, 
but  won  by  3  up  and  2  to  play  in 
25,427  strokes.  The  game  only  lasted 
three  weeks.  Each  player  employed 
300  caddies ;  of  these  72  perished  from 
snake  bites  and  79  were  carried  off  by 
man-eating  tigers. 

It  is  an  open  question  whether  players 
of  jungle  golf  should  be  allowed  to 
carry  firearms.  Here  local  rules  differ. 
In  Bhopal,  where  the  course  was  laid 
out  by  Mr.  VALENTINE  CHIROL  with  a 
view  to  allaying  Indian  unrest,  Mauser 
pistols  are  habitually  carried.  At 
Udaipur,  on  the  other  hand,  the 
players  use  an  ingenious  form  of 
niblick,  the  shaft  of  which  contains 
an  air-gun. 

From  the  foregoing  remarks  it 
will  be  seen  that  the  jungle-golfer 
cannot  count  on  getting  a  long  drive 
from  the  tee.  There  are  many 
reasons  to  account  for  their  lack  of 
length,  but  it  is  best  to  treat  the 
matter  philosophically  and,  instead 
of  bemoaning  your  own  short- 
comings, try  to  obtain  consolation 
by  watching  others  who  suffer  from 
a  similar  afiliction.  Besides,  as 
KEATS  says,  there  is  always  "  a 
budding  morrow  in  midnight." 

DEAR  MR.  BILTON, — The  article 
is,  in  the  main,  so  excellent  that 
I  am  sure  you  will  not  think  me 
captious  if  I  criticise  ono  or  two 
minor  points.  About  the  inmates 
of  the  jungle — are  the  birds  you 
mention  quite  correct  ?  You  might 
verify  your  list  before  the  article 
appears.  Then  the  phrase,  "simian 
population,"  strikes  me  as  a  little 
Telegraphese.  I  confess  to  a  slight 
disappointment  that  you  have  not 
introduced  any  reference  to  the  "whole 
tone  scale."  You  see  the  proprietor 
is  a  great  admirer  of  DEBUSSY,  so  I 
think  it  would  be  politic  to  gratify 
him  in  this  respect.  I  return  the 
proof  for  you  to  make  these  corrections 
and  additions.  Yours  faithfully, 

ADRIAN  FLAIR. 

P.S. — You  might  add  to  the  list  of 
suggestions  "Golf  in  Lunatic  Asylums  " 
and  "  Golf  in  the  Grand  Sahara,  or  The 
Eiddle  of  the  Sands." 


In   its   advice  upon  the  making  of 
Christmas  cake  Tit-Bits  says  : 

"Pinoli  mixed  s;>ice.* 

*  Optional." 

In    matters    of    conscience    we    shall 
certainly  not  be  dictated  to. 


JANUARY  4,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Mistrtst  (keariny  it  crash).  "  WELL,  COOK,  WHAT  is  IT  NOW  ?    Two  BASINS  BROKEN  !  " 

Cook.  "YES'M.    MARY  BROKB  THAT  ONE,  AND  THIS  'ERB  ONE  JUST  COME  TO  PIECES  is  itr  'AXI>. 


AT 


THE    PLAY. 

THE  PIPER." 


IF  anybody  goes  to  the  St.  James's 
Theatre  in  the  hope  of  seeing  Mr. 
BENSON  handling  an  army  of  Hamelin 
rats,  he  will  be  sadly  disappointed. 
This  striking  episode  is  all  over 
before  the  curtain  rises.  Thus  shorn  of 


townsfolk  conducting  her  to  her  in- 
carceration (we  can  all  understand  why 
they  wanted  to  go  to  Rudesheim, 
where  the  hock  comes  from),  reminded 
one  a  little  of  the  scene  of  the  monks' 
progress  in  Tannhtiuser,  only  here 
Mr.  BENSON,  in  the  title  rdle,  is  trying 
to  conjure  Venus  out  of  a  nunnery  into 
the  Horselberg.  So  well  does  he  do  his 


its  most  intriguing  feature  there 
is  not  enough  of  the  legend  to 
go  round,  and  it  has  to  be  drawn 
out  thin  with  a  perfunctory 
love-interest.  This  is  provided 
by  Michael,  a  svvord-swallower 
in  the  strolling  company  of  The 
Piper.  Here  again  something 
is  taken  for  granted,  for  he 
never  swallowed  anything  like 
a  sword  while  I  was  looking. 
But  ho  and  the  Burgomeister's 
daughter  fall  in  love  at  sight 
and  she  is  condemned  to  a  nun- 
nery at  Eiidesheim,  partly  to 
teach  her  not  to  respond  to  the 
beaux  yeux  of  the  first  sword- 
swallower  she  meets,  and  partly 
in  penance  for  the  sins  o'f 
Hamelin.  Michael,  extremely 
anxious  to  get  her  into  his  arms, 
persuades  The  Piper  to  spirit 
her  away  from  the  prospect  of 
perpetual  virginity. 

Wliich  rn^hT"6'     tlir°Uglf       Mr"  ERIC   ***>*  (**>»*.  "««  Sirord-Eattr).    "I  say,  old 
ich  passes  the  procession  of   chap,  don't .forget  t»at this  is  really  my  show,  and  not  youre." 


proxy-wooing  that  Michael,  in  the  part 
of  a  dummy  spectator,  grows  suspicious 
of  the  process  and  silently  protests. 
He  can  swallow  swords  (as  alleged), 
but  this  is  rather  more  than  he  can 
comfortably  stomach.  However,  all 
comes  right  in  the  end. 

The  little  lame  boy  (prettily  played 
by  Miss  .HETTY  KENYON)  is  not,  as  in 


UKVSON  (The  Piiier).   "  Go  to  a  nunnery  ?    No,  you 
an  t.     You  are  meant  for  the  joys  of  life  and  love  !  " 
Miss  VIOLET  FAKEBKOTHEK  (Ba,ba.ra).   "Ah 


the  legend,  left  out  of  the 
hollow  of  the  hill,  and  the  loss 
of  him .  provides  Miss  MARION 
TERRY  witli  a  chance,  as  the 
mother,  of  pleading  with  The 
Piper  for  his  restoration.  A 
tedious  argument  leaves  him 
stubborn,  but  he  yields  at  last, 
moved  by  the  figure  of  the 
"  lonely  man  "  on  the  wayside 
calvary. 

The  author,  JOSKPHINE  PRES- 
TON PEAHODY,  writing  in  blank 
verse  (a  fact  that  I  only  dis- 
covered well  on  in  the  Third 
Act)  has  embroidered  the  old 
wind-myth  with  many  pleasant 
touches  of  poetic  sentiment. 
Thus  The  Piper  is  not  just  a 
professional  vermin-killer ;  he 
goes  through  the  world,  like 
BROWNING'S  Herakles,  putting 


things  out  of  their  prisons ;  and 
that  is  why,  rather  than  from 
motives  of  revenge  for  the  loss  of 


16 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  4,  1911. 


his  guilders,  he  pipes  the  children  away 
from  their  narrow  confinement  among 
the  sordid  burghers  of  Hamelin;  and 
not  to  their  destruction,  but  to  a  life 
of  fun  and  freedom  in  the  caverns  of 
the  enchanted  hillside. 

So  long  as  the  children  were  on  the 
scene  the  play  was  full  of  natural 
charm  and  delightful  movement ;  but 
in  their  absence  there  was  a  deal  of  dull 
stuffing.  Mr.  BENSON,  who  managed 
his  large  family  very  cleverly,  was  not 
himself  quite  the  Pied  Piper  of  one's 
imagination.  Possibly  the  absence  of 
all  disguise  from  his  head  and  face 
spoiled  the  illusion.  And  I  missed, 
except  at  rare  moments,  the 
note  of  sincerity.  He  just 
threw  off  his  lines  with  the 
ease  of  an  actor  who  does  this 
sort  of  thing  every  day  of  his 
life,  and  will  bo  ready  to-mor- 
row to  play  you  any  part  in 
reason  with  equal  fluency  and 
detachment.  I  need  hardly 
say  that  he  indulged  in  some 
nice  athletic  interludes,  pick- 
ing up  children  and  treating 
them  like  dumb-bells  whenever 
it  occurred  to  him.  0.  S. 


particularly  in  "  The  Giant's  Garden." 


The  ballets  also  were  beautiful,  but 

Con.  I  had  too  much  of  them.  (Do 
children  like  it  ?) 

Pro.  Mr.  GEORGE  GRAVES  as  Mrs. 
Hall<"ybut  was  a  perpetual  joy.  Ho  is 
a  real  actor  and  a  real  humorist. 

Con.  Messrs.  HARRY  BANDALL  and 
GEORGE  BARRETT,  as  Prince  Spinach 
and  Rupert  Halkybut,  bored  me  beyond 
expression.  I  have  never  seen  anything 
so  unfunny  (and  I  have  listened  to 
most  of  the  red-nosed  music-hall  stars) 


as   their  long  burglary  scene  ir 
Second  Act. 
Pro.  There  was  one  good  song. 


the 


JACK  AND  THE  BEANSTALK." 

I  should  like  my  opening 
words  to  be,  "  Mr.  COLLINS 
has  surpassed  himself,"  be- 
cause that  seems  to  be  the 
beginning  and  ending  of  Drury- 
Lane  criticism,  but,  alas !  I 
have  no  authority  to  write 
those  words.  Wait  till  next 
year  and  I  will  see  what  I 
can  do  for  you.  But  this  year 
(I  blush  to  think  that  some 
sophisticated  young  gentleman 
of  ten  may  read  these  lines)  I 
have  to  start  with  a  confession 
—  I  went  to  Jack  and  the 
Beanstalk  in  STEAD-like  inno- 
cence, having  seen  many  pan- 
tomimes, but  never  a  Drury  Lane  one 
before.  (And  I  have  always  missed 
the  Lord  Mayor's  show  too  :  one  can't 
explain  these  things — theyjust  happen.) 
So  poor  Mr.  COLLINS  may  have  sur- 
passed himself  in  every  scene,  and  yet 
I  cannot  mention  it !  What  else,  you 
wonder,  is  there  to  say  ? 

I  think  I  shall  imitate  Robinson 
Crusoe  (another  pantomime  character), 
and  make  a  list  of  the  good  and  the 
bad,  as  it  seemed  to  me. 

Pro.  The  idea  of  excusing  in  advance 
all  improbabilities  of  plot  by  showing 
the  pantomime  as  the  dream  of  a  Boy 
Scout  was  very  good. 

Con.  But  it  was  a  pity  to  leave  out 
so  much  of  the  excellent  story  of  Jack 
and  the  Beanstalk. 

Pro.  The  staging  was   wonderful — 


The  truth  is,  I  am  afraid,  that  Mr. 
GRAVES  spoilt  the  pantomime  for  me. 
It  was  when  I  was  waiting  for  him 
that  I  grew  bored  with  other  people ; 
it  was  when  nearly  three  hours  had 
gone  and  wo  were  still  at  the  First  Act 
ballet,  that  I  longed  impatiently  for 
Mrs.  Hallfylmt  to  come  back  before  1 
had  to  fly  out  for  food.  Perhaps  if 
Mr.  GRAVES  had  not  been  there  I  might 
have  been  amused  even  by  Prince 
Spinach.  I  suppose  stranger  things 
have  happened. 

But  I  must  go  to  Jack  and  ihe  Bean- 
stalk again.  It  begins  at  7.30  and  ends 
at  1  or  so,  and  I  think  I  have  solved 
the  problem  of  the  meal.  Mr. 
GRAVES  does  not  co.ne  on  till 
8.30,  so  that  an  early  dinner 
might  be  managed ;  but  one 
would  miss  a  little  of  Mr. 
LUPINO.  Supper  after  the 
pantomime  is  over  is  impos- 
sible. My  discovery  is  this — 
that  the  last  three  scenes  of 
the  First  Act  can  be  missed 
at  a  second  visit ;  they  are 
beautiful,  but  they  need  only 
be  seen  once.  I  shall  slip  out 
at  9.15  and  get  back  by  10.30. 
At  11  o'clock  I  shall  be  in  the 
right  mood  to  revel  in  "  The 
Giant's  Garden."  That  was 
delightful  last  night ;  it  will 
be  even  more  delightful  when 
Mr.  GRAVES  has  had  time  to 
think  of  some  more  funny 
things.  M. 


THE    LILY." 

Mrs.  Halleylmt. 


"PAINTING 

Mr.  GEORGE  GRAVES 

Mr.  AI:THUR  CONQUEST      frisciila,  the  Cow. 

Con.  But  only  one.  ("  We  don't 
want  a  girl  from  Tooting  Bee;  she 
washes  her  face  and  forgets  her  neck. 


From  a  notice  in  a  cracker : 

"Light  the  thick  end,  and  hold 

steadily  in  the  hand  until  part  is 

burnt  away,  when  the  Firewoika  will 

bagiu." 

You  get  the  effect  of  this 
better  when  somebody  else  is 
doing  it. 


.  .  We  don't  want  a  girl  as  thin  as  a 
lath;  she  slips  down  the  plug  when 
she's  having  a  bath,"  and  other  songs 
had  not  even  the  merit  of  catchy  tunes.) 

Pro.  Mr.  BARRY  LUPINO  (who  did 
some  wonderful  acrobatic  feats,  includ- 
ing that  of  jumping  through  the  window 
of  a  taxi-cab),  Miss  JULIA  JAMES  (a 
lovely  principal  girl),  Miss  MAUDIE 
THORNTON  (a  jolly  maid),  and  Mr. 
ARTHUR  CONQUEST  (the  cow,  Priscilla) 
contributed  greatly  to  my  enjoyment. 

Con.  The  bunches  of  children  in  the 
choruses  didn't.  Children  on  the  stage 
are  either  delightful  or  detestable.  In 
any  case  it  is  unkind  to  ask  them  to 
sing. 


"Capn  C  F.  Meek  gave  an  exposi- 
tion of  his  paper  on  '  The  Spcrmato- 
genesis  of  Stenvbothrus  vii  idu/us,  with  Special 
Reference  to  the  Heterotropic  Chromosome  as  a 
Sex  Determinant  in  Grasshoppers."  " 

Alhciuciim. 

Thank  heaven  it  has  been  done  at  last 
— and  by  an  Englishman  ! 

From  a  poem  in  Le  Progrcs  (Cairo): 
"  If  this  extent  of  space,  0  friend, 

Dotli  but  contain  our  tombs,  not  more  ; 

Then  where  are  tombs  gone,  should  we  count 

From  days  of  Ad — those  days  of  yore  ?  " 
The  censorship  in  Cairo  must  be  pretty 
strict,  to  judge  from  the  slurring  of 
the  "  dam  "  in  Adam. 


'The 


Company  Limited  have 


veil 


the  honour  of  a  Royal  Warrant  of  Appointment 
as  Soap  Manufacturers  to  His  Majesty  King 
Edward  V." — Advt.  in  "The  Stirling  Journal.  ' 

"  Manufacturers  to  Edward  the  Black 
Prince  "  would  be  a  much  more  telling 
title  for  a  Soap  Company. 


JANUARY  4,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


17 


OUR    LIFT. 

I  LIVE  in  a  flat.  The  hall-porter 
lets  me  go  up  and  down  in  tlio  lift  all 
hy  myself. 

It  isn't  one  of  those  electric  things 
where  you  simply  press  a  button 
marked  "  fourth  floor,"  and  it  stops  of 
its  own  accord.  They  're  not  much 
fun. 

Ours  is  one  of  the  old  hydraulic  sort, 
where  you  pull  a  rope  down  to  start  it 
and  pull  it  up  to  stop  it.  It  is  no 
child's  play. 

One  day  last  week  I  came  out  of  my 
flat  in  my  immaculate  morning  coat 
and  silk  hat,  opened  the  cage  door  and 
pulled  the  rope.  I  suppose  I  ought  to 
have  looked  down  first,  but  I  have 
acquired  a  sort  of  reckless  daring  in 
dealing  with  the  lift.  '  Familiarity 
breeds  contempt,  as  you  know. 

The  lift  rose  with  intense  speed. 
Inside  was  the  surprise  of  a  lifetime. 
A  frightfully  pretty  girl  in  an  enchant- 
ing nobble  skirt  was  sitting  on  the 
floor.  I  recognised  her  as  an  inmate 
of  a  lower  flat. 

I  have  the  usual  savoir  faire  of  the 
man-about-town.  I  raised  the  silk  hat. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon.  Were  you 
using  the  lift  ?  " 

"  Yes,  but  I  've  finished  with  it," 
sho  said.  "  As  soon  as  I  can  get  up 
I  '11  get  out." 

"  Stay  where  you  are,"  was  my 
gallant  reply.  "  I  ana  coming  to  the 
rescue." 

I  was  as  good  as  my  word.  I  entered 
the  lift  and  placed  her  on  her  feet. 

"  Trust  yourself  to  me,"  I  said, 
closing  the  barrier.  "  The  intrepid 
aeronauts  prepared  to  descend." 

"  I  think  I  '11  walk  down,"  she  said. 
"  I  never  aviate  with  strangers.  Be- 
sides, you  drive  too  fast.  I  thought  I 
was  going  through  the  top  of  the 
building  just  now." 

"Nonsense,"  I  said.  "You  cannot 
walk  down.  The  charwoman  is  at 
work.  Communication  is  cut  off. 
Have  no  fear." 

I  manipulated  the  rope. 

Accidents  will  happen.  It  was  not 
my  fault  that  the  lift  stuck  midway 
between  two  floors. 

I  worked  the  rope  violently  and 
switched  the  light  off  as  they  do  in  the 
Tubes  when  the  train  sticks.  But 
nothing  came  of  it. 

We  were  in  complete  darkness,  cut 
off  from  the  world  without  an  intro- 
duction. 

"  What  happens  now  ?  "  she  said. 

"  Keep  quite  calm,"  I  said.  "  First 
we  will  have  some  light  on  the  scene." 

I  switched  it  on  again. 

"We  must  face  the  situation,"  I 
said.  "  For  all  we  know  we  may 


COMMERCIAL    CANDOUR. 

Obliging  Shopman  (to  Lady  who  hat  purchased  a  poiuul  of  butler).   "  SHALL  I  SBND  IT  rou 
YOU,  MADAM  '< " 

Lady.  "No,  THANK  YOU.     IT  WON'T  BE  TOO  HEAVY  FOR  ME." 
Obliijing  Hhopman.  "OH,  NO,  MADAM.     I'LL  MAKE  IT  AS  LIGHT  AS  I  POSSIBLY  CAN." 


spend  the  rest  of  our  lives  here  together. 
We  have  not  been  introduced.  Let  us 
waive  formalities." 

We  waived  them  for  two  hours. 

*  •::•  -.'-  •::-  # 

Yes.  For  two  whole  hours  we  were 
suspended  in  mid-air. 

I  smoked  the  inevitable  cigarettes  of 
the  phlegmatic  aviator,  and  talked  to 
her  in  a  natural  and  reassuring  manner. 

Eventually  somebody  did  something 
somewhere,  and  we  made  a  gracelul 
descent.  The  crowd  of  welcomers  in- 
cluded the  girl's  mother  and  several 
aunts  and  people. 

The  porter  released  us  with  an 
offensive  grin. 

True  to  my  habitual  modesty  I  did 
not  thrust  myself  into  the  public  eye. 


I  stood  in  the  back  of  the  lift  while  she 
landed. 

"  My  dear  child,"  said  her  mother, 
"  how  often  have  I  told  you  not  to  play 
with  the  lift  ?  " 

"  /  didn't  break  it,"  said  the  ridicu- 
lous girl.  "  Let  me  introduce  Mr. " 

But  I  was  disappearing  again  quite 
quickly.  Only  my  immaculate  boots 
and  very  immaculate  spats  were  still 
in  view. 

I  don't  know  what  the  etiquette  is. 
One  must  be  guided  by  instinct  at  such 
a  moment.  I  waved  one  foot. 


Madame  DONALDA,  the  famous  prima 
donna,  is  no  relation  to  the  editor  of 
The  Daily  Chronicle. 


13 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUABY    4,    1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Sta/  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

IN  this  age  of  travel  everyone  of  us  must  know  some- 
body \vho  is  familial-  with,  or  at  least  interested  in,  Japan. 
Personally,  my  own  previous  experience  of  the  country  did 
not  extend  beyond  the  confines  of  Shepherd's  Bush,  but 
this  has  by  no  means  lessened  my  enjoyment  of  Lady 
I  AV,  SON'S  fascinating  book,  Highways  and  Homes  of  Japan 


concerned,  but  not  over  concerned,  with  the  life  of  a  lady 
of  that  name.  She  so  far  forgot  the  traditions  of  her 
ancient  family  as  to  marry  a  Nobody  of  Nowhere,  a  mere 
lawyer,  and  to  bear  him  a  son  of  the  name  of  Roland. 
The  ancient  family  disowned  her,  Mr.  Nobody  deserted  her 
and  became,  as  mere  lawyers  will,  a  great  judge,  while 
Roland,  being  deprived  of  a  father's  philosophy  and 
guidance,  never  put  his  nose  out  of  his  door  without  getting 
it  into  somebody  else's  trouble.  In  the  earlier  eighteenth 
century  there  was  rather  a  lot  of  vicarious  trouble  lying 


(FiSHEB  UNWIN),  which  seems  to  me  indeed  a  model  for  i  about  for  enlerprising  young  gentlemen  of  Jacobite  pro- 
works  of  its  kind.  The  author,  for  one  thing,  obviously  fessions,  and  Roland  ends  in  the  dock,  charged  with 
knows  her  subject,  and  has  enjoyed  what  appear  to  have  treason  and  a  murder  committed  by  his  rival  in  love.  If 
been  exceptional  opportunities  for  studying  the  home  life  of  you  have  any  acquaintance  with  other  novels  which  touch 
the  people  about  whom  she  writes.  She  has,  moreover,  upon  the  law,  I  ne.'d  not  tell  you  who  was  the  judge  that 
the  journalistic  eye  for  picturesque  and  essential  detail,  |  sat  upon  his  case  nor  in  what  an  irregular  manner  the  trial 
a  style  that  manages  to  convey  information  without  I  was  conducted.  Bather  it  must  bo  shown  with  what  effect- 
boredom,  and  a  perfect  genius  for  photography.  The  Mr.  JAMES  PRIOR  tells  his  story.  One  feels  that  he  has 


illustrations  which  her  camera  has  provided  are  altogether 
charming,  more  espacially  several  delightful  snapshots  of 


Japanese  kiddies  at  play ;  and  a  thing  about  these  pictures 


that  struck  me  with  a  shock 
of  gratified  astonishment  was 
that  in  every  case  they  are 
inserted  so  as  to  coincide 
with  that  portion  of  the  text 
which  they  illustrate.  Would 
that  of  all  similar  volumes 
one  could  say  the  same. 


Undoubtedly  the  best  way 
of  sjlving  the  domestic  ser- 
vant difficulty  is  to  write  a 
charming  book  abo'.it  the  va- 
garies of  the  species  as  ELIZA- 
BETH ROBINS  PENNELL  has 
done.  It  is  a  subject,  too, 
which  gives  the  writer  a  great 
advani  age  over  the  ordinary 
novelist  who  pillories  his 
friends  and  relations ;  for  I 
don't  suppose  that  the  cooks, 
helps,  and  charwomen  who 
succeeded  one  another  in 


spent  all  his  pains  upon  his  s-lection  of  words  and  left  his 
narrative  to  look  after  itself,  and  yet,  in  spite  of  him,  it  is 
the  narrative  that  pleases  and  the  elaborate  language  that 

—  tends  to  irritate.  But  on 
the  whole  I  may  say  that  I 
quite  enjoyed  the  book,  and 
hope  that  you  will  have  the 
pat  ence  to  do  the  same. 


T  e  .  outnum.    "  MCCUSK  MK,  MY   LUIID,   BUI   I  MUST  ASK  YOU  To 

CHOOSE  BETWEEN .  PARTING -(.j8n«;//)— WITH  THIS  TAI1LE   OK  WITH   ME. 
IT  EMPHASISES  THE   PHYSICAL  DEFECTS   OF   Mlf   LOWEll  LIMBS  !" 


An  American  in  France, 
artist  by  calling  but  sports- 
man for  the  most  part,  sud- 
denly made  up  his  mind  to 
buy  an  abandoned  house, 
which  once  belonged  to  the 
estate  of  the  Marquis  of  L  s, 
and  to  live  (how  his  gay 
Parisian  friends  laughed  at 
the  idea !)  in  that  lost  hole  of 
a  village  of  sacrds  vagabonds, 
Pont  du  Sable.  Taniade, 
however,  was  there — Tan- 
rade,  the  great,  big  com- 
poser, Tanrade,  the  great  big 
child.  Alice  de  Breville,  the 
lithe,  the  exquisite,  was  near 


Our  House  (FISHEB  UNWIN)  are  ever  likely  to  read  it  and  to  be  loved,  and  Monsieur  le  Cure  tended  his  weather-beaten 

recognise  their  identities;    though,  I   should  imagine,  it  flock  and  shot  the  good  wild  duck  wi;.h   impartial   zeal 

would  make  them  that  wild  if  they  did.     Mrs.  PENNELL'S  Suzcttc,  more  a  little  daughter  than  a  servant,  achieved  the 

experiences   were   perhaps   rather   more  lively  than    the  rarest  souffles,  and  The  Essence  of  Selfishness  was  a  cat. 

average  mistress  need  expect  to  undergo,  but   that   was  They  lived   for  adventures,   now  romance,   now  a   mere 

because  her  "generals"   were  recruited  from  what   she  escapade,    more     often    a    delightful     nothing,     once    a 

insists  on  calling  "The  Quarter,"  that  is  to  say,  Soho.     It  stirring  incident  of  melodrama.     In  the  background  were 

is  all  the  more  to  her  credit  that,  if  she  failed  to  find  many  the    dogs   and   the  guns,   the   tragedies  of    poverty,    the 

"perfect  treasures,"  she  unearthed  vast  quantities  of  the  comedies  of    officialdom,  the  relentless  sea   and  the  'ay 

gold  of  humour  at  every  attempt ;  and,  when  I  mention  Bohemian  life.      Whether   Mr.   BERKELEY   SMITH   is   (as 

that  amongst  the  constant  visitors  at   Our  House   were  he   pretends  to  be)  that  same  American,  or  whether  no 

VV  HISTLER,  E    A.  M.  STEVENSON  and  HENLEY,  it  will  be  such  person  ever  existed,  I  care  not  one  little  blow.     I  care 

t  was  not  for  lack  of  interesting  friends  not  whether  so  excellent  a  lot,  of  rogues  were  in  fact  created 

sha  has  chosen  to  make  capital  by^heaven  or  invented  in  fictionjjy  an  author  (incredible  in 

to  read  a  book 


touching  or  engaging 
STOUGHTON). 


is  a  lion  roaring  at  the  door,'  she  would  have  answered, 
'  That 's  all  right,  Mum  !  thank  you,  Mum  ! '  and  rushed  to 

say  that  we  were  not  at  home  to  him."     Readers  in  search   of  gold  leaf,  takl,  half  a  dozen  medium  size!  English  onions  and  boil 
I  situations  are  strongly  recommended  to  try  Our  tlle.m  in  lll;il'  ski"s  in  about  a  pint  and  a  half  of  water.    Wash  and 


'To  clean  a  picture  frame  whHi  has  had  silver  leaf  on  it  instead 
of  gold  leaf,  tak 


House. 


Foituna  Chance  (CONSTABLE)  is  a  novel  of  some  length, 


polish  them  wiih  soft  rags." — Evening  News. 

The  writer  is  getting  away  from  the  point.      We   don't 
want  to  know  how  to  clean  onions. 


JANTABY  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


IT 


CHARIVARIA. 

has  only  just  occurred  to 


us — 
Mr.  WILLIAM 


now  that  we  are  in  1911. 

1,1:  (,)i  DI-X'S  Great  War  of  1,  910  never 

came  off.     Very  annoying  for  him. 

"With  reference  to  the  Portuguese 
unrest  it  is  gratifying  to  read  that 
numerous  requests  have  been  received 
for  the  despatch  of  British  flags  to  be 
hoisted  as  a  protection  in  the  event  of 
any  disorders.  The  German  factories, 
we  hear,  have  been  working  overtime 
to  cope  with  the  demand. 


A  painting  commemorating 
made  by  the  KAISEH 
during  mano3uvres  has 
just  been  hung  in  the 
mess  of  a  convalescent 
home  for  officers  in  the 
Taunus.  His  MAJESTY, 
in  tasting  some  of  the 
men's  pea  -soup,  burnt 
his  tongue,  at  which  he 
cried,  "  Ow,  William  ! 
Now  you  have  burnt  your 
snout  again  properly  !  " 
It  is  said  that,  with  a 
view  to  encouraging  art, 
His  MAJESTY  intends  to 
make  a  joke  every  year 
in  future.  ,:.  ... 

Six  hundred  of  the 
late  King  of  SIAM'S 
widows  attended  his 
funeral.  We  still  think 
that,  although  not  so 
spectacularly  effective, 
our  simple,  unostenta- 
tious old  custom  of  re- 
stricting the  number  to 
one  has  points  in  its 
favour  ....... 


joke 


granting  of  a  knighthood  to  himself, 
Sir  JOSEPH  LYONS  intends  shortly  to 
raise  Sir  Watkin  Pudding,  which  figures 
occasionally  on  the  menus  of  his 
restaurants,  to  the  peerage. 

Our  newest  Music  Hall  is  evidently 
to  be  conducted  on  severely  decorous 
lines.  "  On  Monday,"  we  read, 
"  Madame  Edyth  Walker  commences 
her  engagement  at  the  Palladium, 
when  she  will  sing  songs  in  costume." 
The  italics  are  ours,  the  idea  the 
Palladium's.  ^  ^ 

The  sunshine  statistics  for  the  past 
year  make  melancholy  reading.  Yet 


should  have  thought  of  taking  the 
little  orphan  to  the  Gnu  Gallery  Res- 
taurant. 


M.  Louis   LAPICQUE 
communication    to    the 


asserts,   in   a 
Academy    of 


Much  has  been  heard 
quite  recently  of  threepenny-bits  in 
plum  puddings.  The  POSTMASTER- 
GENERAL  has  now  hit  upon  a  novelty. 


OUT   OF    THEIR    RECKONING. 

Pilot.  "WHERE  ARE  WE?" 

Mechanician  (who  is  talcing  fog  soundings}.   "PICCADILLY,  I  RECKON!' 


Science,  of  Paris,  that  large  eyes  indi- 
cate a  big  brain.  Unfortunately,  in 
several  cases  known  to  us,  they  are  the 
only  indication.  ...  ... 

The  Feminist  movement  would  ap- 
pear to  be  making  giant  strides  in  the 
provinces  to  judge  by  a  card  which 
has  reached  us  from  the  David  Lewis 
Northern  Hospital  stating  that  "  The 
Lord  and  Lady  Mayoress  have  kindly 

consented    to   visit    the 

Hospital,"  etc. 


A  dear  old  lady  writes 
to  us  apprehensively 
about  a  notice  she  has 
seen,  headed  "Election 
Petition."  "Surely,"  she 
says,  "  they  can't  be 
petitioning  for  another 
General  Election !  " 

The  French  Academy 
of  Science  has  refused  to 
immortalise  Madame 
CURIE.  In  coming  to 
this  decision  the  mem- 
bers consider  they  are 
acting  in  self-defence. 
Immortelles,  they  say, 
would  be  a  sign  of  death. 

Tlie  Daily  Mirror  pub- 
lishes a  photograph, 
entitled:  "President 
Fallieres  (with  a  beard) 
driving  from  the  Elysee." 
Is  not  our  contemporary 
aware  that  they  are  in- 
separable companions  ? 


He  is 
rolls. 


thinking  of  issuing   stamps  in 


*  * 


The  waitresses  in  a  certain  cafe  in 
Boston,  U.S.A.,  have  been  forbidden  to 
say  anything  more  than  "  Good  mom- 
ing,  Sir,"  to  male  patrons  (and  this 
only  when  they  are  addressed  first), 
because  so  many  of  the  girls  marry 
customers,  and  the  staff  is  always 
changing.  The  surprise  may  well  be 
imagined  of  the  young  gentleman 
who  says,  "  Will  you  marry  me,  fair 
maiden?"  and  gets  the  reply,  "Good 
morning,  Sir"  (especially  if  it  should 
happen  in  the  evening). 

It  is  rumoured  that,  to  signalise  the 


can  one  really  blame  the  sun  for  coming 
out  so  seldom,  seeing  what  wretched 
weather  we  had  ? 


'•','•  * 
* 


Meanwhile  we  hear  that  the  official 
excuse  for  the  poor  beginning  of  the 
present  year  is  that  there  is  a  certain 
amount  of  bad  weather  over  from  last 
year  which  must  be  worked  off. 

Two  black  Orpington  hens  exhibited 
at  the  Philadelphia  Poultry  Show  were 
valued  at£2,400and£2,000  respectively. 
Their  eggs  are  worth  £5  a-piece,  and 
the  miserly  creatures  are  said  to  be 
hoarding  them  up. 

The  infant  gnu  which  was  recently 
born  in  the  Zoological  Gardens  has 
lost  its  mother  and  has  been  refusing 
food.  It  seems  incredible  that  no  one 


Official  permission  has  been  given  to 
the  London  Scottish  to  have  a  march 
in  Scotland  this  year.  We  understand 
that  they  have  secured  the  services  of 
an  interpreter. 

"Two  mid-ocean  games  of  chess  have,  by 
the  aid  of  wireless  telegraphy,  been  played 
between  the  steamships  Briton  and  Medic.  — 
Daily  Mail. 

"  Mate !  "  telegraphed  the  Briton,  and 
the  game  had  to  be  stopped  while  they 
looked  for  the  first  officer  of  the  Medic. 


"The  general  growth  of  the  town  is  indicated 
by  the  fact  that  twice  within  a  dozen  years  the 
authorities  are  contemplating  further  enlarging 
the  post-office. "-T-lFcsttm  Morning  News. 

But  they  mustn't   be 


in  too  great  a 


hurry.  One  more  contemplation  and 
then  in  1922  the  great  work  can  be  put 
in  hand. 


20 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    11,    1911. 


A    LADIES'    REFERENDUM. 

[A  bachelor,  on  becoming  cnga^l,  invites  the  approval  of  his  women 
frit  uds.  ] 

LADIES,  your  verdict !     By  your  leave  I  wish  you 

To  fill  this  form  (enclosed),  wherein  is  set 
A  question  on  a  very  vital  issue 

Touching  the  case  of  fair  young  Henrietta 

(The  party,  Mr.  ED., 
Whom  I  particularly  want  to  wed). 

Briefly,  for  I  rely  on  your  inscrutable 

Instinct  for  seeing  through  your  sex  and  kind, 

Is  8he — I  put  it  to  you — quite  a  suitable 
Companion  for  the  subtler  sort  of  mind  '? 

Is  she,  or  is  she  not, 
Qualified  for  the  post — to  share  my  lot? 

You  know  my  taste,  in  virtues  as  in  clarets  ; 

Well,  will  she  make  a  satisfactory  bride? 
Is  she  pure  gold,  or  only  fifteen  carats, 

Sound  to  the  core,  or  simply  fair  outside, 
This  Henriette  (or  Harry) 

Whom  I  particularly  want  to  marry  ? 

Ladies,  you  well  deserve  this  referendum, 

For,  when  I  chose,  1  had  your  charms  in  view ; 

Could  I  have  seen  that  she  contrived  to  blend  'em, 
Had  they  not  struck  my  notice  first  in  you  ? 

Her  gifts  your  own  recall, 
And,  wedding  her,  I  seem  to  wed  you  all ! 

Kindly  confirm  my  choice  and  you  enhance  her, 

If  possible,  in  my  profound  esteem ; 
But  if,  upon  the  otlier  hand,  your  answer 

Should  throw  discouragement  on  love's  young  dream, 
Then  hold  me  not  to  blame 

If  I  proceed  to  wed  her  just  the  same. 

For  it  is  you  (not  she)  are  on  your  trial ; 

This  is  a  test  case  meant  to  prove  your  worth  ; 
And,  if  the  bulk  of  you  pronounce  denial 

That  she  is  far  the  nicest  thing  on  earth, 
Such  verdict  will  denote 

That  you  are  still  unfit  to  have  the  Vote. 


in  early  youth.  He  is  quite  sure  about  his  napkin;  he 
knows  what  to  do  with  his  knife  and  fork  ;  the  manage- 
ment of  his  bread  and  the  lifting  of  his  tankard  of  stout 
«re  equally  child's  play  to  him.  Why  can't  we  be  like 

im?"     You  will  bo  like  him,  I  answer,  if  only  you  will 

iad  PRUDENCE'S  article. 


O.  S. 


MANNERS    FROM    OREGON. 


PORTLAND,  the  metropolis  of 
1844,  and  became  a  city  in  1851. 


Oregon,  was  founded  in 
Though  it  stands  abou 


100  miles  from  the  ocean  it  is  a  prosperous  port.  It  has 
churches,  schools,  sawmills,  canneries,  breweries — in  shor 
all  the  complex  apparatus  of  an  advanced  civilisation.  In 
spite  of  these  manifold  blessings  Portland  has  never  been 
sufficiently  famous.  This  defect  I  propose  to  remedy. 


There  is,  it  appears,  in  Portland  a  newspaper  named  Th 
Oregonian,  a  mouth-filling  and  splendid  title;  and  Th 
Oregonian  sometimes  devotes  such  leisure  as  it  can  spar 
from  the  pursuit  of  politics,  literature,  and  general  news  ti 
matters  even  more  closely  pertaining  to  the  conduct  of  life 
Recently  it  published  an  article  on  the  etiquette  of  th 
table,  by  PRUDENCE  STANDISH — Miss  PRUDENCE  STANDISH 
as  I  may,  I  think,  presume  her  to  be. 

It  is  an  engrossing  but  a  desperately  difficult  subjec 
surrounded  with  pitfalls  of  varying  depth  and  danger.  Ho' 
shall  an  aspirant  attain  to  perfect  correctness  and  ease  s 
that  those  who  see  him  (or  her)  sitting  at  table  may  saj 
"  Lo,  there  is  one  on  whom  at  least  twopence  was  expende 


In  the  Book  of  Snobs  (chapter  1)  we  are  asked  to  believe 
.iat  Englishmen  of  rank  and  distinction  must  not  make 
se  of  their  knives  in  order  to  convey  peas,  those  mercurial 
nd  elusive  vegetables,  to  the  mouth,  but  that  foreigners  of 
ank  may  do  this  without  reproach.  "I  have  seen,"  says 
author,  "the  Hereditary  Princess  of  Potztausend- 
)onnerwetter  (that  serenely  beautiful  woman)  use  her 
nife  in  lieu  of  a  fork  or  spoon ;  I  have  seen  her  almost 
wallow  it,  by  Jove!  like  Eamo  Samee,  the  Indian  juggler, 
nd  did  I  blench  ?  Did  my  estimation  for  the  Princess 
iminish  ?  No,  lovely  Amalia  !  One  of  the  truest  passions 
fiat  ever  was  inspired  by  woman  was  raised  in  this  bosom 
y  that  lady.  Beautiful  one!  long  may  the  knife  carry 
ood  to  those  lips,  the  reddest  and  loveliest  in  the  world  !  " 
)n  this  vexed  question  PRUDENCE  remains  almost  silent, 
jven  Lady  GROVE,  our  own  British  classic,  says  nothing 
bout  it. 


Listen,  however,  to  PRUDENCE  on  napkins  :  "  When  every- 
iody  is  seated  at  table — not  before — the  napkin  is  taken  up 
rom  the  plate  across  which  it  lies,  and  opened  out  across 
he  knees.  However  beautiful  a  gown  or  splendid  a  gentle- 
nan's  evening  get-up,  it  is  the  height  of  bad  taste  to  pin 
he  napkin  up  to  the  bodies  or  tuck  one  end  into  the  waist- 
oat.  One  shake — the  two  hands  held  to  the  right  of  the 
itter — unfolds  it  sufficiently,  and  without  more  ado  it  is 
aid  upon  the  lap.  After  the  meal,  when  dining  with  friends 
he  napkin  may  be  folded  and  laid  by  the  plate." 

I  daresay  all  this  is  quite  sound — though,  I  fancy,  some 
ligh  authorities  forbid  the  folding  of  the  napkin  when  a 
meal  is  over.  They  consider  that  it  argues  a  mean  regard 
or  economy,  an  intention,  in  fact,  to  use  the  napkin  on 
some  subsequent  occasion,  and  they  prefer  the  reckless 
daredevil  custom  of  leaving  the  napkin  in  a  chaotic  con- 
dition on  the  floor.  My  own  special  trouble  with  napkins, 
lowever,  arises  from  their  being  sometimes  built  up  in  the 
shape  of  boats  or  mitres,  in  which  state  they  often  contain 
a  roll  of  bread  hidden  in  their  recesses.  It 's  ten  to  one 
with  me  that  the  bread  rolls  out  of  the  napkin  on  to  the 
loor,  and  if  I  and  the  other  guests  used  the  method  of 
PRUDENCE — "the  two  hands  held  to  the  right  of  the  sitter  "- 
there  might  be  quite  a  dangerous  fusillade  of  rolls.  To  give 
or  to  receive  a  roll  in  the  eye  would  be  but  a  poor  beginning  to 
a  party.  As  to  the  tucking  or  pinning  of  napkins,  I  agree  with 
PRUDENCE.  Not  even  thick  soup  and  a  heavy  moustache 
will  excuse  a  man  who  callously  tucks  one  end  into  the 
waistcoat.  Let  him  lean  his  head  forward  or  sacrifice  the 
waistcoat.  Finally,  "  the  guest  may  lay  down  his  or  her 
eating  implements  at  any  time,  but  the  napkin  is  not  taken 
from  the  lap  until  the  hostess  removes  hers."  This  is  a 
counsel  of  perfection.  My  experience  is  that  when  napkin 
are  highly  starched  and  glazed  they  remove  themselves 
over  and  over  again.  Nothing  breaks  the  ice  better  than 
to  bring  your  head  into  a  collision  with  a  lady's  as  you 
both  stoop  to  recover  her  fallen  napkin. 

I  pass  now  to  some  matters  on  which  our  own  barbarous 
customs  appear  to  differ  slightly  from  those  of  Portland 
"  The  knives  and  soup-spoon  are  at  the  right  of  the  plate 
and  the  various  forks  used  at  the  left."     So  far,  I  think 
we  agree,   but   "the  smaller  knife   will  be  used  for  th 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  11,  1911. 


v.- 


THE   BLIND   SIDE. 


GERMAN  OFFICER.  "GLAD  TO  HEAR  YOU'RE  GOING  TO  FORTIFY  YOUR  SEA-FRONT. 
VERY  DANGEROUS  PEOPLE,  THESE  ENGLISH." 

DUTCHMAN.  "BUT  IT  WILL  COST  MUCH." 

GEHMAN  OFFICER.  "  AH,  BUT  SEE  WHAT  YOU  SAVE  ON  THE  EASTERN  FRONTIER, 
WHERE  THERE  'S  NOBODY  BUT  US ! " 


JANUARY  11.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


23 


Sporting  Farmer.  "COME  ALONG,  SAM,  you  AIN'T  FRIGHTENED  BV  A  KKOP  o'  WATER!    THEY 'HE  KUKMNC  LIKE  IU.AZES  ! " 
Sam.  "Go  ON,  LAD,  co  ON!    I  BE  I.OOKIN'  FOR  A  POND  THAT  USED  TO  BE  IN  THIS  FIELD.    MAYBE  YOU'LL  KIND  UN." 


entree  and  the  larger  for  the  roast  ;  the  two  forks  for 
these  courses  are  generally  the  same  size.  The  knife  is  held 
in  the  right  hand  and  is  used  exclusively" — here  PRUDENCE 
hints  at  the  Princess  of  Potztausend-Donnerwetter — "  for 
cutting  food,  and  after  this "  (my  italics)  "  the  fork  is 
shifted  to  the  right  hand  for  eating."  First  chop  your 
food,  then  fork  it,  is  a  good  motto.  "  But  save  for  such 
very  small  vegetables  as  peas  and  beans,  or  for  rice,  the 
fork  is  not  used  spoon-wise,  but  rather  to  lift  conveniently 
shaped  pieces  with  the  ends  of  the  prongs.  It  is  not 
thought  elegant  to  mash  up  food  with  the  fork  before 
eating,  or  to  turn  the  fork  over  and  pile  up  the  other  side 
with  food,  as  some  persons  do ;  and  though  these  things 
seem  fairly  trifling,  they  count  in  the  summing  up  of 
perfect  table  deportment."  Here  again  we  agree. 

Let  me  give  a  few  priceless  maxims : — 

(1)  "  One  must  not  say,  '  I  don't  like '  a  thing  when  it  is 
offered,  but  simply,  '  No,  thank  you,'  if  it  is  not  desired." 

(2)  "  Salt  must  not  be  put  on  the  table-cloth  for  radishes 
or  celery,  but  on  the  side  of  the  plate." 

(3)  "The  host  carves,  the  hostess  serves  the  soup  (if 
there  is  a  tureen),  and  gives  the  signal  for  beginning  the 
meal  by  taking  up  her  soup-spoon."     (But  what  happens 
where  the  hostess,  under  dietary  regulations,   takes   no 
soup  ?     Does  she  still  wave  her  otiose  soup-spoon  ?) 

(4)  "Oysters,  clams,  and  terrapins  are  also  fork  foods, 
and  it  is  thought  a  break  in  good  manners  to  eat  any  of 
these  things  with  a  knife."     (But  what  shall  we  say  about 


kromeskies  or  patties  ?     I  have  known  a  chicken-patty 
stand  out  against  the  most  powerful  fork.) 

(5)  "Where   a    hostess    has    a  very  stylishly  dressed 
table,  and  there  is  a  guest "  (myself,  for  instance)  "  who  is 
likely  to  be  green  in  the  employment  of  the  right  utensils, 
it  is  considerate  and  well  bred  of  her  to  give  the  cue  by 
taking  up  the  proper  implement   for  the  course,  as  the 
great  variety  of  forks  and  spoons  now  used  on  a  smart 
table  is  sometimes  embarrassing."     (But   if  her  chicken- 
patty  is  softer  and  more  amenable  than  mine,  and  she 
takes  up  a  fork  for  it,  must  I  abstain  from  using  a  knife 
for  my  obstinate  one  ?   I  simply  refuse  to  forfeit  my  chance 
of  the  patty.    I  shall  commit  "a  break"  and  use  my 
knife.) 

(6)  And  last.  "  Boiled  eggs,  for  a  polite  effect,  are  eaten 
directly  from  the  shell,  and  the  home  habit  of  breaking 
them  in  a  glass  should  not  be  encouraged." 

PRUDENCE  does  not  tell  us  how  they  deal  with  asparagus 
in  Portland.  It  is  a  fearful  problem.  Perhaps  the  hostess 
waves  her  hand  for  a  signal  and  then  everybody  falls  to 
with  fingers  in  the  primitive  British  fashion  which  gains 
in  convenience  all  that  it  loses  in  elegance.  Possibly 
PRUDENCE  will  continue  to  instruct  us.  In  the  meantime 
I  bid  her  a  grateful  farewell. 

Foresight  in  the  Suburbs. 

"Order  your  Christmas  numbers  at  the  bookstall,  Railway  Station, 
Higli-st.,  Putney." — Evening  Times  (Jan.  3rd). 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    11,    1911. 


trained    in 


SECRETS  OF  THE  PRISON  HOUS?. 

II. 

Tui:  EDITOR  AND  HIS  MUSICAL  CBITIC. 
PKAK  Mu.  KITE, — Although  your 
contributions  to  our  columns  have 
hitherto  lain  in  the  sphere  of  sport  and 
pastime,  the  retirement  of  our  musical 
critic,  Mr.  Blandy,  has  decided  me  to 
offer  you  his  post  for  the  following 
reasons.  Tho  appeal  of  music  is  no 
longer  confined  to  persons  who  lead 
sedentary  or  artistic  lives.  Musicians, 
whether  amateurs  or  professionals,  are 
increasiagly  addicted  to  outdoor  exer- 
cises —  golf,  motoring,  cricket,  &c. 
Secondly,  women,  who  form  the  great 
majority  of  the  concert-going  public, 
are  nowadays  habitually 
muscular  and  ath-  t — 
letic  pursuits. 
Hence  the  need  for 
treating  music  in  a 
manner  which  will 
meet  the  altered 
conditions.  Of 
course  I  do  not 
want  you  abso- 
lutely to  disregard 
the  technical  side 
of  the  art,  but  I 
have  no  doubt  that 
you  can  pick  this 
up  as  you  go  along. 
I  should  like  you 
to  attend  the  next 
Symphony  Concert 
at  the  Queen's  Hall 
and  submit  a  trial 
article  on  these 
lines. 

Yours  faithfully, 
G.  KENNEDY 

BROWN. 


DEAB        M  B. 
BROWN,  —  This 


IS 


Allegro.  The  first  subject,  which  is  of  j  halved  the  match  amid  tumultuous 
a  rather  flip-flap  character,  is  given  •  applause. 

out  by  the  solo  instrument  and  is  then  I  Of  the  other  items  in  the  programme, 
pass3d  from  one  group  of  instruments  !  which  comprised  tho  Siegfried  Idyll, 
to  another  with  a  Swop-like  precision. ,  TSCHAIKOWSKY'S  "  1812  "  overture,  and 
Some  interesting  "  essipodes,"  as  Mr.  J  the  Vorspiel  of  the  Mcistersinger,  it  is 
Dan  Everard  would  call  them,  then  not  necessary  to  speak,  but  a  few 
follow  before  tho  second  subject,  marked  words  are  due  to  the  solo  vocalist, 
nobilmente  in  the  score,  emerges  in  all  Madame  Vinolia  de  Sapiolo,  who  made 
its  luscious  grandeur.  After  the  custo-  a  very  favourable  impression  on  this 
mary  reprise  comes  the  working-out  her  first  appearance  before  a  Metro- 
section  in  the  form  of  a  free  fantasia,  politan  audience.  Madame  de  Sapiolo 
and  tho  pororation  is  at  once  jubilant  |  is  a  robust  soprano,  of  the  type  of  a 
and  majestic.  The  slow  movement  in  ,  Cornish  forward,  who  attacks  her  high 
6-8  time  is,  strange  to  say,  entirely  j  notes  with  the  intrepidity  of  an  aviator. 
melodic  in  character  with  occasional ;  Her  voice  is  no  voix  blanche  ;  it  strikes 
explosions  in  the  percussion  depart-  \  her  hearers  pink  at  every  shot.  In 
ment,  but  the  Presto,  a  moto  perpetuo,  \  Ocean,  thou  mighty  monster,  she  never 
has  all  the  exhilaration  of  a  toboggan  once  foozled  an  approach  or  got  into 

— ,  the  rough,  but 
plugged  away 
through  the  green 
with  the  undeviat- 
ing  straightness  of 
JOHN  HENRY  at  his 
best.  Later  on  she 
displayed  her  bra- 
vura in  an  air  by 
Alabieff,  in  which 
she  sprinted  all 
over  the  gamut 
with  the  utmost 
agility.  Her  shake 
is  no  flabby  wobble 
suggestive  of  the 
agitation  of  a  shape 
of  jolly,  but  a 
genuine  seismic 
perturbation  of  the 
vocal  chords,  and 
it  fairly  knocked 
the  audience. 


PROVISION    FOR    THE    FUTURE. 


Governess.  "EAT  UP  YOUR  FOOD,  YOU  UNGRATEFUL  CHILD.    THE  DAY  WILL  COME  WHEN 

YOU   WILL  WISH  THAT  YOU   HAD  SUCH  A  NICE  RICE  PUDDING  TO  EAT." 

Little  Girl.  "WILL  IT,  Miss  PEAHSALL?    PERHAPS  I'D  BETTER  KEEP  IT  TILL  THEN." 


rather  a  tall  order,  but  I  have  done  my  ,  trip  down  the  Cresta  run.     The  Final: 


best,   and   hope   that 
prove  satisfactory. 
Yours  very  truly, 


my 


article  will 


ANGUS  KITE. 


QUEEN'S  HALL  SYMPHONY  CONCERT. 

The  inclusion  in  Saturday's  pro- 
gramme of  Sir  Alexander  Bulger's  new 
symphonic  concerto  for  violin,  with 
Herr  Kreisler  as  soloist,  naturally 


is  at  once  grimly  pathetic  and  capri- 
ciously humoursome.  It  is  full  of 
unexpected  happenings,  abrupt  modu- 
lations, unearthly  squawks  from  the 
wood  wind  and  stifled  groans  from 
muted  horns.  But  its  beauty  is  incon- 
testable, and  the  solo  instrument  domi- 
nates the  whole  with  a  weird  perti- 
nacity. Herr  Kreisler,  who  adopts 


in 


drew  a  huge  audience  to  the  Queen's  a  stance  which  is  curiously  reminiscent 
Hall.      Indeed    the    gallery    was    so !  of  ROWLAND  JONES,  was  in  fine  form 
tightly  packed  as  to  suggest  an  old-   throughout,    and    in    the    cadenza 
fashioned  Rugby  scrum  of  the  "  seven- 
ties "  rather  than  the  looser  formation 
adopted  by  up-to-date  exponents  of  the 
national  game. 

Sir   Alexander  Bulger's  concerto  is 


laid  out  in  four  movements, 
prologue,   in    which    there 


A  brief 


are    some 


beautiful  brassy  shots  for  the  trombone, 


the  first  movement  made  some  lovely 
lofting  shots  into  altissimo.  The  fan- 
tastic Presto  is  marked  by  some  transi- 
tions which  come  off  the  pitch  with 

1  1  11  • 


the    delusiveness    of    a 


they   were    all 
sumrnate   ease 


negotiated 
by    the 


googlie,    but 
with    con- 
gifted 


execu- 


tant,   who  raced  neck  and  neck  with 


DEAR  Mr.  KITE, 
— Capital !  This  is 
exactly  what  I 
wanted.  I  am  par- 
ticularly pleased  that  you  have  used 
the  words  "  grim,"  "  pathetic,"  and 
"  happening,"  which  are  absolutely 
indispensable  just  at  present. 
Yours  faithfully, 

G.  KENNEDY  BEOWN. 


The  Ladies  Home  Journal,  describing 
some  charades,  says : 

"The  Princes  in  the  Tower,  the  landing  of 
the  Normans,  and  King  Henry  haunted  by  his 
eight  wives  were  given,  the  latter  being  very 
difficult  to  guess." 

No  wonder;  we  ourselves  can  only  give 
six  of  them. 


v.  TRANMERE. 
Half  Time  :  Crewe,  1  ;  Nantwich,  0. 
Result :    Burnell's  Ironworks,  1  ;   Saltney,  0." 
Sunday  Chronicle. 

There   is    nothing    like   a   thoroughly 
sporting  game,  with  the  result  in  doubt 


leads  without  a  check  into  the  opening  I  the   band  down  the  home  stretch  and   up  to  the  last  minute. 


JANUARY  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE-  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


25 


\ 


'  y  fo 


Detective.  "Now,  MRS.  SMITH,  WE  THINK  WE,  HAVE  AT  LAST  FOUND  YOUU  HUSBAND  FOE  YOU.     IT  is  POSSIBLE  THAT  HE  MAT  BE 

DISGUISED,    SO   WILL  YOU   LOOK  CAREFULLY   AT   EACH    OK  THESE   MEN   AND  SAY   WHETHER   YOU   CAN    RECOGNISE   MR.    SMITH?" 

One  of  the  Eight  (in  a  whi.-per).  "Bi.iMY,  BILL,  I  'OPE  THE  OLD  DEAR  DON'T  MAKE  A  BLOOMER  AN'  PICK  ME  !  " 


A    FEUILLETON    EXAMINATION. 

[With  acknowledgments  to  the  Editor  of  The  Comhill  and  his  new 
scheme  of  examination  papers  on  various  authors.] 

1.  " '  THIS  is  so  sudden,"  said  Amelia."    State  roughly,  in 
years,   how  long   Amelia   had  been   working  up   to  this 
dAnouement. 

2.  "  Adolphus  had  drunk  deep  of  the  tree  of  knowledge." 
Show,  from   his   subsequent  career,  the  dangers  of   this 
vegetarian  diet. 

3.  " '  You  lie,"  hissed  Jasper."     Explain  fully  how  Jasper 
accomplished  this,  laying  careful  stress  on  the  absence  of 
sibilants  in  his  remark. 

4.  "  His  whole  history  was  written  on  his  face."     From 
what  you  know  of  the  handwriting  of  authors,  would  you 
consider  that  Vera  was  justified  in  saying  that  she  "  could 
read  him  like  a  book  "  ? 

5.  Give  some  account  of  Count  Ferrari's  chameleon-like 
qualities,  citing  the  occasions  when  his  bronzed  features 
turned — (a)  green  with  envy ;  (b)  purple  with  rage ;  (c)  blue 
with  fear ;  (d)  red  with  shame ;  (e)  grey  with  horror. 

6.  "  Marjorie  would  often  take  her  eyes  from  the  deck 
and  cast  them  far  out  to  sea."     How  did  she  retrieve  them  ? 
Is  any  light  thrown  upon  the  process  of  their  recovery  by 
the  statement  that  "  her  dog  would  look  up  into  her  face 
as  if  he  too  understood." 

7.  Sketch  the  probable  change  in  the  course  of  events, 
if — 

(i.)  The  Count  had  been  detected  in  the  act  of  concealing 
a  sardonic  smile  beneath  his  moustache. 

(ii.)  Lady  Dalston's  face  had  been  square  instead  of  a 
perfect  oval. 

8.  "  You  hound,  you  have  deceived  me."      Write  a  letter 
purporting  to  have  come  from  a  member  of  the  Belvoir 


Kennel,  deploring  this  aspersion  on  his  race.  Calculate 
the  heightening  or  lessening,  as  the  case  may  be,  of  the 
dramatic  effect  had  Vera  said,  "You  tomtit"  (or,  alter- 
natively, "  You  yak  "),  you  have  deceived  me." 

9.  Give  some  account  of  the  first-aid  remedies  you  would 
have  applied  to  Jasper  when  he — 

(a)  Dug  his  teeth  into  his  lips  until  the  blood  came. 

(b)  Broke  out  into  a  bath  of  cold  perspiration. 

(c)  Was  withered  by  a  look  from  Belinda. 

(d)  Fell  from  the  turret  to  the  moat  with  a  sickening  thud. 


IN    MEMORIAM. 


j?knmicl 


BORN,  1850.        DIED,  DECEMBER  29,  1910. 
DOWERED  with  the  glamour  of  his  native  isle 

That  fired  his  tongue  and  lit  his  ardent  gaze, 
That  lent  enchantment  to  his  radiant  smile, 
And  grace  to  all  his  ways, 

He  spread  the  light  of  Hellas,  holding  high 
The  torch  of  learning  with  a  front  serene, 
A  living  witness  of  the  powers  that  lie 
Within  the  golden  mean. 

And  whether  in  the  groves  of  Academe, 

Or  where  contending  factions  strive  and  strain 
In  the  mid-current  of  life's  turbid  stream, 
His  honour  knew  no  stain. 

Heedless  of  self,  he  played  a  knightly  part, 
Bowing  to  none  but  Duty's  stern  decrees. 
Nil  peccavisti  unquam,  noble  heart, 
Nisi  quod  mortuus  es. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  11,  1911. 


A   TWICE    TOLD    TALE. 

"Is  that  you,  uncle'?"  said  a  voice 
from  the  nursery,  as  I  hung  ray  coat 
up  in  the  hall.  "I've  only  got  my 
skin  on,  but  you  can  come  up." 

However,  she  was  sitting  up  in  bed 
with  her  nightgown  on  when  I  found 
her. 

"  I  was  having  my  bath  when  you 
came,"  she  explained.  "  Have  you 
come  all  the  way  from  London ?  " 

"All  the  way." 

"  Then  will  you  tell  rue  a  story  ?  " 

"  I  can't ;  I  "m  going  to  have  my 
dinner.  I  only  came  up  to  say  Good- 
night. 

Margery  leant  forward  and  whis- 
pered coaxingly,  "  Will  you  just  tell  me 
about  Beauty  and  'e  Beast  ?  " 

"  But  I  've  told  you  that  such  heaps 
of  times.  And  it 's  much  too  long  for 
to-night." 

"  Tell  me  half  of  it.  As  much  as 
that."  She  held  her  hands  about  nine 
inches  apart. 

"  That 's  too  much." 

"  As  much  as  that."  The  hands  came 
a  little  nearer  together. 

"  Oh !  Well,  I'll  tell  you  up  to  where 
the  Beast  died." 

"Fought    he  died,"    she    corrected 
eagerly. 
.   "Yes.     Well— 

"  How  much  will  that  be  ?  As  much 
as  I  said?  " 

I  nodded.  The  preliminary  business 
settled,  she  gave  a  little  sigh  of  happi- 
ness, put  her  arms  round  her  knees, 
and  waited  breathlessly  for  the  story 
she  had  heard  twenty  times  before. 

"  Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  man 
who  had  three  daughters.  And  one 
day — -" 

"  What  was  the  man's  name  ?  " 

"  Margery,"  I  said  reproachfully, 
annoyed  at  the  interruption,  "  you 
know  I  never  tell  you  the  man's  name." 

"Tell  me  now." 

"  Orlando,"  I  said  after  a  moment's 
thought. 

"  I  told  Daddy  it  was  Thomas,"  said 
Margery  casually. 

"  Well,  as  a  matter  of  fact  he  had 
two  names,  Orlando  and  Thomas." 

"  Why  did  he  have  two  names  ?  " 

"  In  case  he  lost  one.  Well,  one  day 
this  man,  who  was  very  poor,  heard 
that  a  lot  of  money  was  waiting  for 
him  in  a  ship  which  had  come  over  the 
sea  to  a  town  some  miles  off.  So 
he — -" 

"  Was  it  waiting  at  Weymouf  ?  " 

"  Somewhere  like  that." 

"  I  spex  it  must  have  been  Weymouf, 
because  there 's  lots  of  sea  there." 

"  Yes.  I  "m  sure  it  was.  Well,  lie 
thought  he  'd  go  to  Weymouth  and  get 
the  money." 


"  How  much  monies  was  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  lots  and  lots." 

"  As  much  as  five  pennies  ?  " 

"  Yes,  about  that.  Well,  lie  said 
Good-bye  to  his  daughters,  and  asked 
them  what  they  'd  like  him  to  bring 
back  for  a  present.  And  the  first  asked 
for  some  lovely  jewels  and  diamonds 
and— 

"  Like  Mummy's  locket  —  is  that 
jewels?" 

"  That  sort  of  idea.  Well,  she  wanted 
a  lot  of  things  like  that.  And  the 
second  wanted  some  beautiful  clothes." 

"  What  sort  of  clothes  ?  " 

"  Oh,  frocks  and — well,  frocks  and  all 
sorts  of — er,  frocks." 

"  Did  she  want  any  lovely  new  stock- 
ings? " 

"  Yes,  she  wanted  three  pairs  of 
those." 

"  And  did  she  want  any  lovely — 

"  Yes,"  I  said  hastily,  "  she  wanted 
lots  of  those,  too.  Lots  of  everything." 

Margery  gave  a  little  sob  of  happi- 
ness. "  Go  on  telling  me,"  she  said 
urider  her  breath. 

"  Well,  the  third  daughter  was  called 
Beauty.  And  she  thought  to  herself, 
'  Poor  Father  won't  have  any  money 
left  at  all,  if  we  all  go  on  like  this ! ' 
So  she  didn't  ask  for  anything  very  ex- 
pensive, like  her  selfish  sisters,  she  only 
asked  for  a  rose.  A  simple  red  rose." 

Margery  moved  uneasily. 

"I  hope,"  she  said  wistfully,  "this 
bit  isn't  going  to  be  about — you  know. 
It  never  did  before." 

"  About  what  ?  " 

"  Good  little  girls  and  bad  little  girls, 
and  fings  like  that." 

"  My  darling,  no,  of  course  not.  I 
told  it  wrong.  Beauty  asked  for  a 
rose  because  she  loved  roses  so.  And 
it  was  a  very  particular  kind  of  red 
rose  that  she  wanted — a  sort  that  they 
simply  couldn't  get  to  grow  in  their 
own  garden  because  of  the  soil." 

"  Go  on  telling  me,"  said  Margery, 
with  a  deep  sigh  of  content. 

"  WTell,  he  started  off  to  Weymouth." 

"  What  day  did  lie  start  ?  " 

"  It  was  Monday.     And  when — 

"  Oh,  well,  anyhow,  I  told  Daddy  it 
was  Tuesday." 

"  Tuesday — now  let  me  think.  Yes, 
I  believe  you  're  right.  Because  on 
Monday  he  went  to  a  meeting  of  the 
Vegetable  Gardeners,  and  proposed  the 
health  of  the  Chairman.  Yes,  well  he 
started  off  on  Tuesday,  and  when  he 
got  there  he  found  that  there  was  no 
money  for  him  at  all !  " 

"  I  spex  somebody  had  taken  it,"  said 
Margery  breathlessly. 

"  Well,  it  had  all  gone  somehow." 

"  Prehaps  somebody  had  swallowed 
it,"  said  Margery,  a  little  carried  away 
by  the  subject.  "  By  mistake." 


"  Anyhow,  it  was  gone.  And  he  had 
to  come  home  again  without  any  money. 
He  hadn't  gone  far  — 

"How  far?"  asked  Margery.  "As 
far  as  that  ?  "  and  she  measured  nine 
inches  in  the  air. 

"  About  forty-four  miles — when  he 
came  to  a  beautiful  garden." 

"Was  it  a  really  lovely  big  garden  ? 
Bigger  than  ours?  " 

"  Oh,  much  bigger." 

"  Bigger  than  yours  ?  " 

"  I  haven't  got  a  garden." 

Margery  looked  at  me  wonderingly. 
She  opened  her  mouth  to  speak,  and 
then  stopped  and  rested  her  head  upon 
her  hands  and  thought  out  this  new 
situation.  At  last,  her  face  flushed 
with  happiness,  she  announced  her 
decision. 

"  Go  on  telling  me  about  Beauty  and 
the  Beast  now,"  she  said  breathlessly, 
"  and  then  tell  me  why  you  haven't  got 
a  garden." 

My  average  time  for  Beauty  and  the 
Beast  is  ten  minutes,  and,  if  we  stop 
at  the  place  when  the  Beast  thought 
he  was  dead,  six  minutes  twenty-five 
seconds.  But,  with  the  aid  of  seemingly 
innocent  questions,  a  determined 
character  can  make  even  the  craftiest 
uncle  spin  the  story  out  to  half-an-hour. 

"  Next  time,"  said  Margery,  when 
we  had  reached  the  appointed  place 
and  she  was  being  tucked  up  in  bed, 
"  will  you  tell  me  all  the  story?  " 

Was  there  the  shadow  of  a  smilo  in 
her  eyes  ?  I  don't  know.  But  I  'm 
sure  it  will  be  wisest  next  time  to 
promise  her  the  whole  thing.  We 
must  make  that  point  clear  at  the  very 
start,  and  then  we  shall  get  along. 

A.  A.  M. 


OUGH. 

JACQUES    loves    the    English    tongue, 
although 

He  finds  the  spelling  tough, 
And  when  he  does  not  really  knough 

He  does  a  little  blough, 
And  spells  the  termination  sough — • 

Making  the  queerest  stough. 

For  when  he  tries  himself  to  plough 
His  way  with  trouble  through 

The  words  he  jotted  down  but  nougli, 
He  finds  it  will  not  dough  ; 

He  gazes  stupid  as  a  cough, 
And  fails  to  find  a  clough. 

When  back  across  the  Channel's  trough 

He  sails,  as  pale  as  dough, 
He  fears  his  countrymen  will  scough 

To  see  his  spelling  gough 
Even  in  French  a  little  ough, 

And  hardly  commc  ilfouyh. 


JANUARY  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


27 


THE    FEMALE    ECONOMIST. 


THE  SHABBY  FOOTSTOOL. 


REMNANT  DAY:  4  A.M. 


IN  THE  Qt-HUE  :  0  A.M. 


THE  BATTLE  OK  THE  REMNANTS 


VICTORY  (2s.  4J<2.  SAVED). 


THE  CONQUEROR  STAVES  OFF  COLLATE. 
(COST  OF  LUNCH  22s.  6rf.) 


THREE  WEEKS  LATER. 
THE  FIRST  WALK  OF  THE  CONVALESCENT. 


28 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  1-1,  1911. 


THE    MARCH    OF    SCIENCE. 

" WILLIE,  WHY  DON'T  YOU  JOIN  THE  OTHER  CHILDREN?" 

"  MOIHBR  SAID  I  WASN'T  TO  co  NEAR  THE  CANDLE*,  'CAUSE  I  'VE  COT  A  CELLULOID  COLLAR  ON  ! ' 


A    HOME    FROM    HOME. 

THE  Anarchist  who  dwells  abroad  is  not  a  happy  man  ; 
Unfeeling  Governments  refuse  protection  to  his  clan ; 
I  simply  shudder  when  I  think  how  hard  his  lot  would  be 
If  England  gave  no  welcome  to  the  foreign  refugee ! 

When  other  nations  cease  to  view  with  nonchalant  aplomb 
His  automatic  pistol  and  his  effervescing  bomb, 
When,  harassed  by  a  cruel  foe,  he  has  to  take  to  flight, 
It 's  "  Oh  to  be  in  England !  "  (with  a  ton  of  dynamite  !) 

When  Hamburg  grows  too  sensitive  at  loss  of  life  and 

limb; 

When  Paris  firmly  intimates  she  has  no  use  for  him  ; 
When  even  Barcelona  gets  a  little  bit  too  hot, 
Who  is  it  shakes  him  by  the  hand?     It's  England,  is  it 

not? 


Though  other  countries  turn  him  out   and  pulverise  his 

dens, 

We  couldn't  be  so  impolite  to  foreign  citizens ! 
Our  port  authorities  don't  pry  about  and  make  a  fuss, 
But  straightway  take  him  to  their  hearts  and  hail  him  one 

of  us ! 

I  know  some  nervous  Londoners  display  a  deal  of  fear 
And  shake  their  heads  and  talk  about  the  Coronation  Year ; 


How  can  they  be  so  foolish  as  to  think  they  '11  be  attacked? 
They  're  safe  as  any  p'liceman  while  we  have  our  Aliens' 
Act ! 

0  England,  to  yourself  be  true ;  remember  you  are  free ! 
You  can't  belie  the  name  you  "ve  got  for  hospitality. 
The  British  Burglar  cannot  be  too  mercilessly  curbed ; 
But  leave  the  Alien  Criminal — he  mustn't  be  disturbed ! 


Overland  Route  for  Ships. 

"BOMBAY. — Ths  English  Mail  Steamer  was  signalled  this  morning 
at  5.20  and  is  expected  to  arri  e  at  the  General  t'ost  Office,  Calcutta, 
by  special  train  to-morrow  night." — "Empire"  (Calcutta), 

The  Daily  Express  has  thrown  a  strong  flashlight  on 
the  Clapham  Common  mystery.  "  The  double  '  S  '  brand," 
it  says,  "may  represent  the  Polish  word  '  Szpion,'  which 
means  '  Sps  or  Traintor.'  " 

"  'Country'  asks  how  to  bleach  a  faded  print  dress.  The  directions 
given  to  '  Our  Wee  Mary '  (Coburg)  should  be  followed.  .  .  .  '  Our 
Wee  Mary"  (Coburg)  asks  how  to  remove  longstanding  rust  stains  from 
steel  fire-irons." — Melbourne  Argus. 

In  following  the  directions  which  are  given,  the  great 
thing  is  to  remember  what  it  is  you  're  trying  to  do. 
Otherwise  you  only  bleach  the  tongs. 

"  Who  were  the  two  men  who  fired  from  100,  Sidney  St.  ?  It  is  generally 
accepted  that  one  at  least  of  them  was  FrUz  Svitrs." — Daily  Chronicle. 

Or  two  at  most  ? 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  11.  1911. 


''/"?/?/'4/A 

L%*i/eP± 


THE   BITTER   CRY   OF   THE   UNDESIRABLE. 


FIRST  CRIMINAL  ALIEN.  "THIS  COUNTRY  WON'T  BE  QUITE  SO  SNUG  AN  ASYLUM  FOB  US 
ONE  OF  THESE  DAYS.  THEY'LL  STOP  US  CARRYING  ARMS  FOR  SELF-DEE 

SECOND  CRIMINAL  ALIEN.  "YES,  AND  DEPORT  US  ON  SUSPICION  BEFORE  WE'VE  KILLED 
ANYBODY."  ___ 


JANUARY  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  .LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


T11K  SCARAB. 

SPOIL  of  the  tomb  of  kings, 

Snatched  from  tlio  shadows  solemn, 
Vvlu-ro  the  wide  falcon- wings 

Brood  o'er  the  pylon's  column, 
Scarab  (oh  blue  of  the  artist  Egyptian) 
How  goes  your  curious  carven  inscrip 
tion  ? 

Emblem  of  Life  and  Sun, 

How  do  its  letters  run  ? 
Spells  it  of  magic  and  censers  a-swiug 
Ere  you  were  vowed  to  Miss  Lilian's 
ring? 

Tells  it  of  girlish  throng, 

Homage  and  graceful  pose,  if 
Pharaoh  should  chance  along, 

Pharaoh  who  knew  not  JOSEPH  ? 
Down  the  dim   coolness  of  corridors 

going, 

Out  to  the  noon  on  bis  rose  gardens 
glowing ; 

Where  by  the  fish-pond's  brink 

Ibises  coral-pink 

Stood  in  a  sacred  and  somnolent  row, 
Ages  and  ages  and  ages  ago  ? 

Spoil  of  the  pyramid 

Where  the  old  shadows  linger, 
Now  as  a  mascot  slid 

On  to  a  dainty  linger, 
If  I  might  fathom  the  secret  you  fetter, 
Hazard  each  cryptical,  long-ago  letter, 

Emblem  of  Life  that 's  gone, 

I  would  say,  "  Love  lives  on  "  ; 
Surely  a  proper  and  plausible  thing, 
Since   you   are  vowed  to  my  Lilian's 
ring!  

THE  BATTLE  OF  LONDON. 
SOME  SHOTS  FROM  A  SPORTING  RIFLE. 
CERTAIN   legal  purists   are    asking : 
Had  the  military  the  right  to  lire  before 
a  magistrate  had  read  the  Riot  Act? 
We  believe  this  is  so  in  the  case  of  an 
armed  invasion. 

A  satisfactory  feature  of  the  battle 
was  the  attitude  of  the  local  peasantry 
who  were  watching  the  fight.  Again 
and  again  the  cry  was  raised,  "  Acb, 
dese  tamd  aliens !  " 


There  is,  we  hear,  considerable 
discontent  among  the  Territorials 
because  they  were  not  called  out  and 
given  a  chance  of  sharing  in  the  glory. 

It  argues  an  astonishing  lack  of  enter- 
prise, which  makes  us  blush  in  the 
presence  of  Americans,  that  not  a 
single  'bus  proceeding  eastwards  on 
the  great  day  exhibited  a  notice : — 

TO    THE    BATTLE. 


•  Seeing  that  our  Home  Secretary 
appeared  on  the  scene,  and  has  been 
immortalised  in  the  historical  photo- 


ug%*tf*£ 

'     ivTt".*'7 


tg5£ 


CELEBKITIES    OUT   OF   THEIR    ELEMENT.— III. 

MR.     PELISS1ER     PLAYS     PUCK.        THE    SCENE    AT     THE     REHEARSALS    WAS 
ANIMATED    DESCRIPTION.       THE    EFFECT  OP  THE    STRAIN    ON    THE    EXTERNAL 
THE  THEATRE  WAS  WATCHED   DAILY   BY    LARGE  AND  EXCITED  CROWDS. 


OF    THE    MOST 
STRUCTURE    Of 


graphs,  we  really  cannot  be  too  grateful 
that  on  this  occasion  he  wore  his  high 
hat  and  not  his  little  Trilby. 

By  the  way,  we  are  authorised  to 
deny  the  rumour  that  Mr.  HALDANE 
was  present  disguised  as  a  vicandi&rc. 


It  is  scarcely  surprising  that  the 
German  papers  should  have  made 
sneering  comments.  The  Germans 
have  always  been  jealous  of  our  suc- 
cesses on  the  battlefield,  and  have 
their  own  account  of  Waterloo. 


Considerable  sympathy  is  being  ex- 
pressed for  The  Daily  Graphic,  whose 
coming-of-age  number  was  issued  the 
same  day  as  the  report  of  the  battle, 
and  was  to  have  been  the  talk  of 
England.  Such  are  the  horrors  of  war. 


An  abominable  thought.  Was  the 
battle  perhaps  arranged  by  the  Cine- 
matograph company  who  secured  some 
capital  films  of  the  hysteric  event  ? 
Was  it  merely  a  Fight  for  the  Empire  ? 

"Abuse  of  Hospitality?"  cried  an 
angry  pro- Alien.  "  What  about  the 


treasurer  of  the  London  Hospital  lend- 
ing the  police  some  sporting  guns  ? 

Panic  is  to  be  deprecated,  but  it  is 
well  that  it  should  be  realised  that,  if 
the  authorities  continue  to  take  strong 
action  in  the  East  End,  England  will 
soon  forfeit  the  affection  of  Anarchists 
all  over  the  world. 

Finally,  if  we  might  give  a  hint  to  the 
police,  it  is  this.  As  we  write,  PETER 
THE  PAINTER  is  still  at  large.  Let 
them  search  for  him  among  the  Post- 
Impressionists,  some  of  whom  have 
already  perpetrated  more  than  one 
outrage  on  English  soil. 


Our  Lett  Criminals. 
Why  do  the  police  concentrate  their 
efforts  on  the  East  End,  in  face  of  the 
oft-repeated  statement — "  Letts  all  go 
down  the  Strand  ?  " 


A  correspondent  with  a  grievance 
against  the  S.E.  &  C.R.  Railway  suggests 
in  the  Times  "  a  determined  stand  on 
the  part  of  the  1st  class  passengers." 
But  many  of  them  have  already  done 
all  the  standing  they  really  care  about. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  11,  1911. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  MEDICAL  NOTES. 

[Acorrcs|>oiideiitof  thcia»wc;siys: — "Smok- 

ni,'  just  before  meals  is  to  be  deprecated,  because 

hi-'  |  imm-m-y   of    the    pvr,>linin-inis    products 

pon'a'ju-'l  in  to\u-co  smoke  renders  the  buccal 

iiucosa  insensitive  to  alimentary  stimulation — 

n  fact,  their  effect  is  to  dull  or  abolish  the 

>lfacto-gustatoiy  reflex,  thus  depriving   us   of 

vhat  Pawlaw  calls  Appetite  juice."] 

Mr.  Punch  also  offers  a  few  similar 
comely  tips  on  domestic  hygiene  : — 

(1)  Chocolate  Creams  before  meals 
are  apt  to  produce  ante-post-prandial 
jursitis,  collateral  with  sub-acute 
esions  of  meticulous  patronymics.  The 
potency  of  the  sac- 
cho-therapeutics 
causes  definite 
lollypoposis,  and 
renders  the  suf- 
ferer (particularly 
in  advanced  in- 
fancy or  supra-nip- 
perhood)  unamen- 
ible  to  the  patho- 
digesto  -  epicurean 
excitation  of  cold 
mutton. 

These  strictures 
do  not  apply  to 
Turkish  Delight 
(Golumptious 
Orientalis),  which, 
in  carefully  gra- 
duated minims,  as 
prescribed  by  a 
Physician,  has 
considerable  value 
as  an  anti-squallu- 
tic.  Pawlaw  also 
commends  its 
forcible  adminis- 
tration to  patients 
of  advancing  years 
in  cases  of  choleric 
exacerbation. 

(2)  Nothing, 
Pawlaw  states,  is 
so  menacing  to  national  hygiene  as  the 
decadence  of  the  Bath  Bun.  He  obtained 
four  hundred  bath  buns  from  as  many 
bakers,  and  subjected  them  to  five  years' 
research.  He  found  only  2  per  cent, 
of  the  buns  approximated  to  standard 
as  fixed  by  the  Treaty  of  Berlin.  Most 
of  the  buns  under  spectrum  analysis 
showed  achromatic  eccentricity;  50 
per  cent,  refused  to  vibrate  to  the 
violet  reaction ;  Rontgen  rays  dis- 
closed foreign  bodies  within  six  out  of 
ten,  and  ninety-four  showed  evidence 
of  tilted  stratification  and  igneous 
petrifaction.  Two  hundred  buns 
showed  no  recovery  from  an  applica- 
tion of  undilute  sulphuric  acid,  and 
eighty  -  one  displayed  symptoms  of 
febrile  spleen  with  intermittent  arthri- 
tic conjunctivitis.  Monocular  exami- 
nation of  bacterial  cultures  revealed 


four  billion  polyperpherea  per  cubic 
millennium.  Nine  buns  displayed  in- 
cipient rabies ;  sixty-three  senile  de- 
mentia ;  eighteen  acute  delusional  hys- 
teria ;  and  no  fewer  than  half  of  them 
chronic  schlerosis  of  tissue  and  danger- 
ous deficiency  of  currants.  At  the 
expiration  of  five  years  the  whole  of  the 
buns  lacked  gusto-olfactory  dynamics 
of  nutrition.  Pawlaw  therefore  dis- 
courages the  use  of  bath  buns  as  a 
staple  human  diet  but  permits  moder- 
ate indulgence  in  them  by  lady  typists 
and  polar  bears  in  captivity. 

(3)  Many  people  are  victims  of  the 


N. 


SANGFROID. 

[In  the  practical  examination  of  Majors  for  promotion  to  Lieutenant-Colonel  great  import- 
tance  is  attached  to  coolness  of  demeanour  upon  receipt  of  information.] 

Excilfd  Staff-Offietr  (readin-g  urgent  message  from  Headquarters).   "  Your.  MAIS  ATTACK  HAS 

FAILED,  YOUR  CAVALRY    HAS  BEEN  ANNIHILATED,  TWO  BATTERIES  HAVE   BEEN  CAPTURED,  AND 
THE  ENEMY   HAVE  CUT  YOUR  COMMUNICATIONS  !  " 

"Fed-up"  and  weary  Candidate.   "On!  THEY  HAVE,  HAVE  THEY?    WELL,  JUST  HOLD  MY 

MAP  WHILE   I   BLOW   MY   NOSE." 


distressing  complaint  which  Pawlaw 
indicates  as  "DormitoryitisHibernalis." 
The  chief  symptom  is  a  desire  to  resume 
slumber  when  aroused  at  7  A.M.  on 
Winter  mornings.  If  the  disease  is 
suspected  it  should  be  promptly  treated 
by  the  abrupt  denudation  of  the  cuta- 
neous tissues  of  the  patient  and  the 
immediate  application  of  not  more  than 
five  gallons  of  hydro-perishitis  (common 
water  lowered  to  a  temperature  of  33° 
Fahrenheit).  If  the  disease  is  present 
there  will  be  immediate  reflex  action 
of  the  moto-muscular  centres,  together 
with  effusion  of  vocal  profanitis. 
Severe  and  chronic  cases  may  be  cured 
by  a  compress  of  ice  or  the  applica- 
tion of  a  hyper-caloric,  preferably  the 
ignited  end  of  a  match. 

Pawlaw  deprecates   fuses   as   being 
too  drastic. 


DARING  RESCUE  IN  THE  CITY. 

IT  happened  in  Princes  Street,  which 
is  one  of  the  busiest  thoroughfares  in 
the  City.  But  for  a  minute — just  as 
there  comes  a  lull  in  the  conversation 
at  the  most  garrulous  dinner-party — 
the  street  was  free  from  traffic.  At 
that  moment  there  appeared,  seemingly 
from  nowhere,  a  miniature  carriage, 
drawn  by  a  tiny  horse,  driven  by  a 
diminutive  driver.  Everyone  stopped 
to  gaze  at  the  apparition  in  amaze- 
ment. One  had  to  rub  one's  eyes  to 
make  sure  that  one  was  not  dreaming 
of  fairyland.  But 
there  could  be  no 
doubt  as  to  the 
reality  of  the  thing. 
There  it  was  mov- 
ing gravely  down 
the  street.  The 
daring  of  it !  The 
amazing  pluck  of 
it! 

Suddenly,  in 
the  distance,  one 
hears  the  dread 
clanging  of  a  fire- 
bell  ;  and,  in  a 
moment,  round  the 
corner  dashes  a 
fire-engine — surely 
the  most  thrilling 
sight  to  be  seen  in 
this  city  of  ours. 
But  the  frail  little 
carriage — what  of 
that?  The  driver 
seems  not  to  hear. 
He  must  be  deaf. 
The  carriage  pro- 
ceeds demurely  on 
its  way.  Will  no 
one  help  ?  The 
spectators  appear 
to  be  paralysed 
by  the  horror  of 
the  situation.  No  one  moves.  Then, 
when  disaster  seems  inevitable,  a  rough 
man,  a  wastrel,  one  would  have  said, 
his  clothes  quite  ragged,  with  nothing 
heroic  in  his  face,  rushes  forward  and 
effects  a  gallant  rescue. 

One  would  have  expected  a  storm  of 
cheering.  But  no. 

"How  much?"  asks  a  stolid  by- 
stander. "  A  bob,  Guvnor." 

The  mechanical  toy  changed  hands. 

Our  Amazons. 

"  Ladies'  Black  Cashmere  Ho3e,  all  sizes 
lOJd.  to  2s.  9d.  per  yard." — From  a  Devon 
Diaper's  List. 


Sweated  Labour. 
From  a  Provincial  paper : — 

"Sparrows  are  paid  for  on  production  at  the 
rate  of  3d.  a  dozen  ;  rats  6d.  a  dozen  ;  keepers 
and  rat  catchers  3d.  a  dozen." 


JANUAHV  11,  1911.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


I  A    SUBTLE    BEAUTY. 

"  YOUNG  HALLORAN  SEEMS  TO  HAVE  A  GREAT  ADMIRATION  FOR  YOUR  DAUGHTER,  MRS.  MCCARTHY." 

"SURE  'TWAS  THE  SAME  WIP  ME  WHEN  I  WAS  A  GERRL,  Miss.     AH,  MANNY  's  THE  BRAVE  YOUNG  HEART  WAS  BROKE  BY  MY  FACE  ! " 


THE  NEW  SCHOOL  OF  WAB. 
"Quo  fas  ct  gloria  dueuut." 

IT  was  the  second  month  of  the 
siege.  For  weeks  great  masses  of 
troops,  England's  best,  had  been  poured 
into  Blackwall  by  road,  rail  and  river, 
till  the  pavements  within  a  four-mile 
radius  were  hot  with  their  bivouac  fires 
and  I  ho  traffic  was  obstructed  over  all 
East  London.  Every  garrison  town  of 
the  South  and  Midlands  was  stripped 
of  its  defending  force,  having  sacrificed 
itself  to  the  country's  instant  need. 
The  flower  of  the  nation's  manhood 
was  concentrated  on  Blackwall. 

Here,  in  the  Theatre  of  War,  per- 
manent gun-positions  were  established 
ion  the  roofs  of  every  brewery.  The 
noise  of  the  bombardment  and  the 
accidental  pulverising  of  a  few  private 
dwellings  had  been  made  the  subject 
of  letters  to  the  Press  by  certain  testy 
residents  on  whose  tender  nerves  the 
roar  of  the  twenty-four  horse  and  field 


batteries,  and  the  heavy  armaments  of 
the  Channel  Squadron  in  the  river  had 
begun  to  tell. 

Cheap  excursion  trains  and  steamers 
brought  sightseers  from  all  parts  of 
the  kingdom,  and  behind  the  infantry 
lines  the  specially-erected  steel  towers 
and  flip-flaps,  which  gave  a  splendid 
view  of  the  besieged  attic,  were 
crowded  to  suffocation. 

At  the  end  of  the  sixth  week  every 
available  man,  child  and  regimental 
goat  in  the  Army,  Reserves,  Territorials, 
and  Boy  Scouts  had  been  requisitioned ; 
the  river  was  stuffed  full  of  Navy,  and 
an  appeal  for  help  had  been  sent  to  the 
Colonies. 

Then  came  the  day  when  the  evening 
papers  broke  out  in  crimson  and  orange 
stripes  and  their  staffs  foamed  at  the 
mouth.  The  besieged  criminal  was 
reported  to  have  escaped.  The  next 
morning  there  was  a  view-halloa  from 
an  aeroplane  over  Clapham  Common, 
and  the  Blues,  the  1st  Life  Guards,  and 
four  Eegiments  of  Cavalry  of  the  Line 


charged  from  Clapham  Junction,  join- 
ing hands  on  both  flanks  with  the 
entire  alphabet  of  ll.H.A.  batteries, 
whose  nimble  guns  at  the  gallop 
searched  the  bush  of  the  Common  with 
well-directed  fire. 

What  happened  to  the  criminal 
nobody  knows.  He  was  never  heard  of 
again.  But  the  voice  of  the  Boy  in 
the  Street,  who  happened  to  be  a  Scout, 
was  heard  to  express  a  preference  for 
the  good  old  days  when  Sleuth-Hound 
Dick  captured  his  miscreants  in  his 
own  quiet  way,  and  soldiers  were  kept 
for  fighting. 


"A  writer  remarks  in  a  controversy  that  the 
Church  will  never  get  the  best  men  for  clergy 
till  the  services  are  rearranged  under  the  gnia- 
ance  of  the  conviction  that  it  will  not  suffice  to 
banish  from  creeds,  prayers,  psalms,  and  lessons, 
only  every  sentence  respecting  which  all  that 
can  be  hoped  is  that,  if  adequately  explained,  it 
will  do  no  harm,  but  also  every  sentence  which 
is  not  im j>ortantly  true. " — Advocate  of  India. 

It  is  all  very  well  saying  things  like 
that,  but  the  trouble  is  to  do  something. 


34 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


[JANUARY  11,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"Is  MATBIMONY  A  FAILURE?" 

No  bachelor  should  attempt  to  solve 
this  riddle,  but,  if  you  asked  me  a 
similar  question  about  the  play  that 
propounds  it,  I  could  hazard  a  shrewd- 
ish  guess.  Of  course,  with  a  British 
audience,  it  is  not  in  mortal  playwrights 
to  command  failure,  but  the  German 
authors  of  this  so-called  "  light  comedy  " 
have  at  least  gone  a  good  way  towards 
deserving  it.  The  play  has  an  excellent 
idea  to  start  with.  The  discovery  of  a 
technical  flaw  in  their  marriage  cere- 
monies at  a  certain  church  sets  free  a 
variety  of  couples,  and  it  is  a  question 
how  many  of  them  will  take  advantage 
of  their  liberty.  The  men  are  at  first 
unanimous  for  freedom  ;  and  the  women 
combine  to  reduce  them  to  submission. 
Here  are  the  makings  of  yet  another 
Lysistrata ;  but  the  frank  coarseness 
proper  to  ARISTOPHANES  becomes  mere 
vulgarity  when  modified  to  meet  the 
requirements  of  Teuton  provincialism. 
These  things,  once  again,  are  managed 
better  in  France. 

There  were  some  pleasant,  if  obvious, 
touches  of  half-serious  comedy  between 
one  pair  of  separatists  (played  sympa- 
thetically by  Mr.  CHARLES  BRYANT  and 
Miss  EDYTH  LATIMEH),  but  much  of 
the  rest  was  rather  second-rate  fun, 
like  the  stuff  you  get  in  a  musical 
comedy,  only  without  the  music. 

What  humour  there  was  arose  for  the 
most  part  out  of  fairly  commonplace 
situations,  and  seldom  belonged  to 
the  dialogue  as  such.  Surely  it  is 
late,  at  this  time  of  day,  to  repeat 
the  hallowed  wheeze — "  Is  life  worth 
living  ?  That  depends  on  the  liver  " ; 
or  the  ancient  scintillation  about  the 
route  to  a  man's  heart  lying  through 
his  stomach. 

Mr.  CHARLBB  BRYANT  was  an  attrac- 
tive figure,  and  I  freely  forgive  him 
his  palpable  imitation  of  the  vocal 
methods  ai  the  lessee  of  the  Criterion. 
I  wonder  if  Sir  CHARLES  WYNDHAM, 
looking  down  from  his  box  with  grave, 
veteran  air  at  the  stage  that  has  been 
the  scene  for  him  of  so  many  triumphs, 
recognised  the  echo  of  his  own  voice. 
Miss  ELLIS  JEFFREYS  was  wasted 
upon  her  surroundings;  and  if  Miss 
KOSINA  FILIPPI  as  a  mother-in-law 
found  herself  in  the  picture  the  credit 
is  due  to  the  accommodating  qualities 
of  her  art.  Mr.  KENNETH  DOUGLAS, 
always  very  much  at  his  ease,  seemed 
to  take  more  interest  than  usual  in  his 
part,  treating  it  less  like  a  passable 
private  joke  between  himself  and  the 
other  actors.  He  was  quite  good  in  his 
scenes  with  the  one  unmarried  girl  of 
the  piece,  played  by  Miss  LETTICE 
FAIRFAX,  who  had  her  happy  moments, 


though  she  did  what  she  could  to 
handicap  herself  with  her  photographic 
smile.  Mr.  DENTON  was  usefully 
employed  to  bring  down  the  first  two 
curtains ;  and  Mr.  PAUL  ARTHUR  was 
well  in  his  element,  and  we  had  better 
leave  it  at  that. 

There  was  one  gentleman,  rather 
amateurish,  who  played  the  part  of  a 
moral  prig,  and  was  described  as  a 
lecturer  on  BROWNING.  This  must  be 
an  original  inspiration  on  the  part  of 
Herr  LEO  DITRICHSTEIN,  the  adapter, 
and  I  recommend  him  next  time  to 
choose  some  more  likely  poet  for  the 
encouragement  of  milk  -  and  -  water 
orthodoxy. 

As  for  the  scene,  I  never  quite  made 
out  where  we  were.  It  was  always  the 


A  SOLID  PROPOSITION. 
Lulu  Wtweler     ...      Miss  LETTICE  FAIRFAX. 
Paul  Barton        ...      Mr.  KENNETH  DOUGLAS. 

same  room  of  a  private  house  known 
as  Eosedale,  in  the  provinces,  with  a 
staircase  leading  out  of  it  into  vague 
regions  beyond.  People  kept  going  up 
and  down  it,  no  one  knew  whither  or 
whence.  Everybody  seemed  to  come 
and  stay  in  the  house  whenever  it 
occurred  to  them,  and  I  shall  never 
understand  how  this  very  middle-class 
establishment  contrived  to  shelter  at 
any  one  time  such  an  astonishing  col- 
lection of  married  supers. 

I  hope  I  have  not  been  too  captious, 
but  on  the  second  night  in  a  sparsely- 
populated  house  I  found  myself  located 
in  a  stall  of  Eow  H,  where  you  crouch 
with  your  knees  adjacent  to  the  back 
of  the  pew  in  front,  and  'have  to  keep 
dodging  about  for  a  glimpse  of  the 
stage.  And  this  does  not  make  for 
geniality.  Q.  S. 


OBSERVATIONS  ON  SKI-ING. 

THEY  call  us  the  Suicides'  Club,  and 
Meyer,  the  one  German  in  our  hotel, 
distractedly  hovers  about  the  American 
Bar  buttonholing  people  and  trying  to 
induce  them  to  expound  the  etymology 
of  the  name.  Until  he  came  to 
Wengen  a  week  ago,  Meyer  flattered 
himself  that  he  understood  English. 
Now  he  perceives  that  the  tongue 
possesses  pitfalls  whereof  his  Berlitz 
professor  left  him  unwarned.  Why  is 
the  beginners'  ski-ing  class  universally 
known  as  the  Suicides'  Club?  Why 
should  the  easiest  ski-ing  slope  in 
Helvetia  be  characterised  as  the  Death 
Trap?  And  why  is  Meyer,  when  he 
seeks  enlightenment  on  these  palpable 
confusions  of  thought — why,  oh  why, 
is  he  a  Nut  ? 

Meyer,  who  fondly  imagined  that  he 
had  conquered  the  chief  entanglement 
of  our  language  when  he  learnt  to  say 
"  awfully,"  is  rather  resentful.  His 
sojourn  at  Wengen  will,  however,  not 
be  barren  of  profit,  for  he  will  be  able 
to  return  to  Potsdam  and  baffle  his 
friends  (who  only  know  "  awfully  "  and 
"  old  fellow ")  with  the  latest  correct 
Anglicisms.  As  thus :  "  You  are,  old 
fellow,  awfully  a  Nut."  Or ;  "  When 
I  in  the  Berner  Oberland  was,  I  joined 
the  Suicide-Club  of  Ski-Laufing  and  at 
the  Death  Trap  to  run  learned." 

As  for  the  Death  Trap,  it  is  (as  Meyer 
has  ventured  to  point  out)  perhaps  the 
only  undulation  in  Switzerland  where 
the  ski-ing  novice  could  not  break  his 
neck  even  if  he  tried.  That  is  why 
(no,  Meyer  cannot  see  it !)  the  Suicides' 
Club  have  chosen  it  as  their  meeting- 
place.  Here  we  stagger  up,  up,  up, 
and  here  we  reel  down,  down,  down ; 
and  here,  when  we  have  pirouetted  on 
to  our .  noses,  we  announce  that  we 
have  practically  executed  a  Telemark. 
Here,  also,  the  slackers  sit  in  a  row  on 
a  fence  with  their  Kodaks  and  hoot 
at  us.  " 

The  ski  is  a  wanton  and  freakish 
implement  of  human  progress.  When 
you  are  lurching  along  the  level  on 
skis  they  are  boards  strapped  to  your 
boots.  When  you  totter  down  a  hill 
the  skis  are  boards  to  which  your  boots 
are  strapped.  It  is  a  delicate  distinc- 
tion. I  have  tried  several  pairs  of 
skis.  They  were  all  proficient  at  ski- 
ing ;  but  I  was  not.  As  I  told  Meyer 
(who  gives  you  quite  a  good  cigar  if  you 
will  talk  English  with  him),  what  I 
wanted  was  a  pair  of  skis  which  had 
to  begin  at  the  beginning — skis  which 
had  to  learn.  These  skis  knew  how  to 
ski  already,  and  they  ski-ed  energetic- 
ally whenever  I  should  have  preferred 
to  remain  in  a  dignified  repose.  They 
could  do  Christiania  Turns,  they  could 


JANUARY  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


brake  and  herring-bone.  And  they  did 
all  these  before  1  could  stand  upright. 
Sometimes  they  started  doing  them  tin: 
minute  I  took  them  out  of  their  shed 
and  laid  them  down  on  the  snow  pre- 
paratory to  buckling  them  on.  One 
of  my  skis  performed  a  magnificent 
run  down  to  the  hairdresser's  last 
Sunday  while  I  was  looking  for  my 
ski-pole  in  the  hotel  porch.  I  couldn't 
hnu-  ski-cd  down  to  the  hairdresser's 
to  save  my  life,  much  less  to  show  off 
before  the  lunchers  in  the  verandah. 
"Vat  is  it— to  'show  off'?"  asked 
Meyer.  "  Oh,  to  put  on  side,  you 
know ;  to  swank.  Yes,  I  don't  mind 
if  I  do  have  another  of  your  cigars. 
They  're  very  sound — top  hole,  in  fact." 
"  Vat  is  it—'  top  hole '  ?  "  "  Top  hole  ? 
Oh,  that 's  the  place  where  the  bit  comes 
from  that  you  cut  off  at  the  end." 

It  is  disgustingly  bad  manners  of 
these  skis  to  be  so  uppish.  Skates 
don't  behave  like  that.  You  never  saw 
a  Mount  Charles,  left  by  itself  on  the 
edge  of  the  rink,  hop  off  on  to  a 
rocker.  And  when  you  have  put  on 
your  skates  they  don't  start  cutting 
threes  and  things.  They  wait  for  you 
to  tell  them  that  your  ankles  are  feeling 
in  the  mood  this  morning  for  a  little 
inside-edge.  These  skis  take  the  bit 
between  their  toes  without  the  slightest 
sympathy  for  their  rider.  When  I 
have  floundered  to  the  top  of  the  Death 
Trap  I  say,  "  Now  I'll  pause  to  get  my 
breath  and  to  look  at  the  cloud-shadows 
on  the  Jungfrau."  Not  a  bit  of  it ! 
My  skis  have  no  soul  for  cloud-shadows. 
They  respond,  "Nonsense;  we'll  jab 
the  old  fellow  who  is  lying  on  his  back 
in  that  drift  down  there."  In  ten 
seconds,  sure  enough,  they  have  jabbed 
him.  And  I,  who  have  followed,  pro- 
testing indignantly,  am  blamed!  In 
vain  I  point  back  up  the  slope,  where 
my  track  is  marked  by  (1)  my  dropped 
eye-glasses,  (2)  my  cap,  (3)  my  tobacco- 
pouch,  (4)  my  pipe,  (5)  its  dottle,  and 
(6)  a  spot  of  my  gore.  The  jabbed 
gentleman  is  unconvinced.  My  aim 
has  been  too  unerring.  No  mere  tyro, 
he  insists,  could  have  achieved  such 
a  fine  shot.  And,  in  truth,  no  mere 
tyro  has.  My  skis  have  been  at  it  for 
years. 

I  am  persuaded  that  the  construction 
of  skis  should  receive  the  attention  of 
some  humane  reformer.  Instead  of 
being  so  preposterously  polished  under- 
neath they  should  have  hob-nails. 
The  Hob-Nailed  Ski — that  is  my  idea. 
In  process  of  time  friction  would  wear 
down  the  nails ;  and  when  the  neo- 
phyte had  mastered  the  art  his  skis 
would  be  smooth  enough  for  anything. 
On  the  up-hill  journey  the  hob-nailed 
ski  would  be  perfection.  With  the 
present  absurd  slithery  skis  you  can 


Broker  (la  wealthy  tut  stingy  Client).   "  GLAD  YOU  DID  so  WELL  WITH  THOSE  SHARKS  I 

TOLD  YOU  TO  BUY." 

Client.  "WHY,  I  LOST  A  POT  OF  MOSEY  OVER  THEM." 

Broker.  "  WHAT  !    You  BOUGHT  AT  TWO  AND  SOLD  AT  SEVEN,  DIDN'T  YOU  ? " 

Client.  "AY  !    BUT  THEY  WENT  UP  TO  TEX  AFTER!" 


never  prophesy,  when  you  take  a  step, 
whether  it  is  going  to  be  forward  or 
backward.  And  on  the  downhill  trip 
the  hob-nailed  skis'  rate  of  progress 
would  afford  you  leisure  to  enjoy  the 
beauties  of  the  scenery  and  to  laugh  at 
the  beginners  tumbling. 

But  they  are  very  conservative  here 
at  Wengen.  Meyer  is  the  only  man 
who  appreciates  my  hob-nail  notion — 
and  he  is  unable  to  try  it  because  he 
is  suffering  from  sciatica,  complicated 
by  a  stiff  neck,  after  attempting  to 
participate  in  an  English-style  figure 
round  an  orange  on  the  rink.  ("  My 
skate  he  did  swank  into  the  top  hole, 
and  I  did  put  on  side.  I  lie  on  the 
sofa  therefore.  A  cigar  you  will 
soundly  smoke  with  me,  yes  ?  ")  And 
the  secretary  of  the  Suicides'  Club 
wouldn't  hear  of  my  skis.  He  said 
they  would  spoil  the  snow.  Spoil  the 
snow !  He  cannot  have  seen  the 
place  where  my  non-hob-nail  skis 
showed  me  yesterday  how  a  long 
jump  should  be  done. 


"BEADLES. — The  meet  of  Major  Allott's 
beadle<  on  Saturday  was  at  Keddington  Osiers." 
—Hull  Times. 

What  we  really  want  to  see  is  a  meet 
of  churchwardens. 


"  We  cannot  learn  too  soon  or  too  well  that 
in  ourselves  is  lodged  whatever  forco  is  needed 
to  send  us  along  the  path  of  a  successful  life  ; 
that  close  behind  us  is  the  work  which  our 
hands  are  to  do." — Edinburgh  Evening  Despatch. 

This  rather  takes  the  edge  off  the 
motto,  "  When  once  you  've  put  your 
hand  to  the  plough,  don't  look  back." 
You  almost  must,  if  it 's  behind  you. 


' '  Owing  to  the  General  Election,  Messrs. 
Sidgwick  and  Jackson  are  postponing  the 
publication  of  Mr.  Bram  Stoker's  new  work, 
'  Famous  Impostors.'  " — The  Bookseller. 

We  beg  to  observe,  in  our  best  cynical 
vein,  that  it  was  a  pity  to  miss  such  an 
appropriate  moment. 

From  a  catalogue:  "  THE  REPEATER  :  During 
the  Sale  we  shall  offer,  as  usual,  this  well-known 
Skirt." 

It  must  go  off  this  year. 


36 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    11,    1911. 


•      OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

MR.  'WAI/FEK  Sic'Hia/s  discovery  of  The  (ilcnln-rvie 
Journal*  (CONSTABLE)  was  not  quite  so  happy  a  find  as 
that  of  The.  ('recce;/  Papers.  Tlieir  period  is  pretty  much 
the  same  as  that  through  which  CKEEVEY  lived,  plotted, 
and  wrote  his  diary.  All  unconscious  of  rivalry  as  a 
chronicler  Lord  GLENBERVIE  had  an  instinctive  dislike  of 
CREEVEY,  whom  lie  refers  to  as  "the  accitsatcur  officieux 
who  tried  to  obtain  eminence  (unsuccessful  attempt ! )  by 
personalities  in  the  absence  of  the  parties  concerned." 
Lord  GLEXBEHVIE,  having  u  wide  acquaintance  among 
public  men,  had  not  the  gift  his  contemporary  was 
endowed  with  of  making  his  surroundings  interesting. 
He  was,  to  tell  the  truth,  a  dull  man.  The  sentence 


quoted  gives  some  indications  of  his  literary  style. 
journal,  written  chiefly  at  the 
uncongenial  hour  between  six 
and  seven  in  the  morning,  is 
through  many  pages  as  dreary 
as  if  the  work  he  was  engaged 
upon  was  the  posting  up  of 
the  family  laundry-book.  Still 
here  and  there  we  catch  a  pleas- 
ant glimpse  of  how  people  lived 
in  the  good  old  days.  Such  an 
one  is  presented  in  the  story 
told  by  Lord  MALMESBURY  how 
in  the  year  1774  the  Due  do 
BIKON  came  from  Versailles  to 
Berlin  on  a  secret  commission, 
and  Lord  MALMESBURY  lodged 
him  in  his  house  for  a  twelve- 
month, "during  which  he 
thought  he  was  outwitting  his 
host,' who  found  easy  means  of 
reading  all  his  despatches  and 
taking  copies  of  such  parts  as 
he  chose."  Lord  GLENBERVIE 
makes  no  comment  on  this 
domestic  arrangement,  which 
seems  to  have  been  up  to  date. 
Mr.  SICHEL  makes  provoking 
references  to  spicy  passages 
omitted  lest  they  should  make 
the  book  too  lively.  His  own 


His 


hounds,  while  beside  him  sported  on  the  green  of  tho  Irish 
hunting-field  his  little  sister  Josephine,  disguised  as  his 
first  whip  by  breeches  and  boots  and  the  wearing  of  the 
pink.  At  this  point  I  confess  that  I  very  nearly  went 
home.  I  couldn't  see  even  Miss  VESTA  TILLEY  carrying 
out  this  part  of  the  imposture  with  success.  However, 


I  knew  that   Irish   bullfinches   are  often  not  so   stiff   as 

eyes   and 


they   look.      So   I   crammed  my   hat   over   my 


scrambled  over  somehow,  and  was  rewarded  by  a  rattling 
run  after  the  two  Herrings,  with  some  very  pretty  love- 
making  thrown  in  when  we  all  came  home  tired  from 
hunting.  And  if  you  have  a  taste  for  sport  and  Irish 
ways  and  scenery  and  pleasant  people  and  a  happy  ending 
I  advise  you  to  follow  my  example.  I  ought  to  add  that 
Tinker  was  the  fifth  part  of  the  only  other  pack  besides 
the  Mullenboden  which  Derrick  had  ever  hunted,  and  that 
he  saved  Josephine  from  drowning  when  she  met  with  the 
inevitable  accident  by  which  her  sex  was  at  last  revealed. 


"  I  'M  SURPRISED  THAT  YOU  SHOULD  REMEMBER  ME  AFTER 
ALL  THESE  YEARS." 
"WHY  KOT?    SAMS  FACE,  ISN'T  IT?" 


style  occasionally  suffers,  probably  from  sympathy  with  the 
diarist  he  edits.  Cataloguing  GLENBERVIE'S  distinguished 
friends,  he  says,  "he.  was  the  intimate  of  Lord  Sheffield, 
througli  whom  he  was  thrown  with  Gibbon."  Whether 
the  two  were  thrown  by  a  single  tour  de  force  or  one  after 
the  other,  and  what  became  of  the  riven  peer,  are  details 
not  disclosed. 

Once  upon  a  time — but  it  must  have  been  before  Mr. 
ROOSEVELT  had  added  so  largely  to  the  list  of  the  world's 
extinct  mammals — a  sporting  English  millionaire  went  off 
to  get  a  little  big-game  shooting  on  Afric's  burning  shore. 
And  while  he  was  away  a  letter  offering  him  the  master- 
ship of  the  Mullenboden  hounds  fell  into  the  hands  of  his 
young  cousin  and  namesake,  Derrick  Bonrke  Herring. 
Now  Derrick,  junior,  was  rather  hard  up,  and  instead  of 
sending  the  letter  back,  in  which  case  Miss  DOROTHEA 
CONYERB  couldn't  have  written  her  book—  Tiro  Investors 
and  Tinker  (HUTCHINSON)— he  was  persuaded  by  his 
charming  sister  to  pretend  that  he  was  the  millionaire. 
So  for  nearly  a  whole  season  he  hunted  the  Mullenboden 


awful  name 
himself  an  " 


Since  reading  Master  and 
Maid  (MURRAY)  I  feel  that  I 
missed  something  during  my 
schooldays,  for  when  I  was 
dining  with  my  home-master 
no  charming  girl  ever  burst 
upon  us  and  took  possession  of 
him,  me  and  the  place.  But 
then  my  house-master  w-as 
married,  while  Anthony  Sevan 
was  only  thirty-seven  and  a 
bachelor,  and  if  Lallie  Clonmell 
had  arrived  (and  I  wish  she 
had)  there  would  not  have  been 
the  complications  with  which 
Mrs.  ALLEN  HARKER  has  amused 
me.  Lallie  was  not  exactly 
pretty,  but  she  was  Irish  and 
had  a  "  way,"  and  her  arrival 
was  rather  awkward.  How 
awkward  it  was,  please  allow 
Mrs.  BARKER  to  tell  you.  There 
is  not  an  incident  in  her  story 
which  might  not  conceivably 
have  happened,  and  she  has 
been  supremely  successful  in 
reproducing  the  atmosphere  of 
a  public  school.  But  why,  I 
wonder,  did  she  choose  the 
of  Hamchester?  To  invite  anyone  to  call 
Old  Ham,"  or  even  an  "  Old  Chesterton,"  is 


surely  to  court  refusal.    "  Hamcestrian  "  is  also  unthinkable. 


I  'm  pleased  with  H.  J.  SMITH  the  way 

He  wields  the  novel-maker's  pen ; 
I  like  the  style  of  HARRY  J. 

(Although  sententious  now  and  then) ; 
His  theme,  a  strong  one  ringing  true, 

I  like  ;  I  also  like  the  twang, 
The  metaphors,  to  me  quite  new, 

Of  HARRY  JAMES'S  Yankee  slang. 

In  books  that  hail  from  over-sea 

I  look,  to  justify  the  trip, 
For  something  of  a  high  degree 

In  all  the  points  of  authorship ; 
In  none  of  these  does  HARRY  fail ; 

But  one  thing  which  I  haven't  found 
Is  why  on  earth  he  calls  the  tale 

(From  CONSTABLE)  Enchanted  Ground. 


JANUARY  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


37 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  rumoured  that  another  dockyard 
is  to  be  constructed  on  the  East  Coast. 
This,  \vo  suppose,  is  part  of  the  admir- 
able policy  of  laying  down  two  Kiols 

to  one. 

* 

The  formation  of  the  Leeds  and 
District  Liberal  Clubs'  Brewery  Co., 
Ltd.,  is  announced,  and  some  interest- 
ing advertisements  may  now  be  ex- 


pected.    For  instance, 
is  the  best." 


1  Haldane  Stout 


With  reference  to  a  recent  remark  of 
ours  about  an  agitation  for  the 
abolition  of  the  Lower  House 
a  correspondent  draws  our  atten- 
tion to  the  fact  that  there  is 
already  a  Commons  Preserva- 
tion Society  in  existence. 

There  is  some  probability,  it 
is  said,  that  the  Turkish  Govern- 
ment may  make  the  study  of 
German  obligatory  in  all  schools 
in  the  Ottoman  Empire.  We 
believe  it  is  a  fact  that  only 
those  who  have  heard  German 
spoken  with  a  Turkish  accent 
have  any  idea  of  the  musical 
possibilities  of  the  language. 

We  are  pleased  to  read  in  The 
Times  that  the  late  Mr.  GARD- 
STEIN  has  been  repudiated  by  all 
respectable  Anarchists  in  this 
country.  ...  ^ 

T.o  those  newspapers  which 
are  expressing  the  view  that  too 
much  fuss  has  been  made  about 
the  Sidney  Street  affair  we 
would  say :  Why  quarrel  with 
your  bread-and-butter? 


Mr.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER,  speaking 
at  the  L.C.C.  Teachers'  Conference, 
advised  stage  lessons  for  children,  on 
the  ground  that,  if  one  acts  the  part  of 
a  noble  character,  one  becomes  noble. 
This  may  explain  much  in  regard  to 
some  of  those  actresses  who  take  the 
parts  of  ladies  with  a  past. 


Our  decadent  age!  Where  is  it 
going  to  stop  ?  A  circular  concerning 
the  forthcoming  Fancy  Dress  Ball  of 
the  Chelsea  Arts  Club  says  :  —  "  Cos- 
tume must  be  worn."  So  far,  excel- 
lent. But  wait:  —  "Venetian  Capes 


W/LU  A«H 


A  barometer,  and  not  a  baro- 
netcy, as  was  stated  by  a  care- 
less contemporary,  has  been  awarded 
to  a  brave  skipper  who  made  a  rescue 
off  the  Mull  of  Galloway  last  month. 
It  was  a  stupid  mistake.  Baronetcies 
are  not  given  for  doing  things. 

:|:     =:: 

The  Daily  Mail,  speaking  of  a  certain 
costume,  says,  "The  coat  can  be  turned 
inside  out  with  marvellous  celerity, 
and  its  appearance  is  so  absolutely 
changed  by  the  transformation  that  to 
believe  the  garments  one  and  the  same 
model  is  really  difficult."  We  can 
readily  believe  this.  We  tried  the  pro- 
cess with  our  own  coat  the  other  day. 

y 

Everyone  goes  in  for  business  now- 
adays. M.  CAMILLE  FLAMMARION  de- 
clares that  the  recent  earthquakes  are 
due  to  the  globe  contracting. 


THE   CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN    DELINQUENT. 


and  Turkish 
sufficient." 


Caps  will  be  considered 


A  Paris  contemporary  informs  us 
that  among  the  anniversaries  which 
could  be  celebrated  this  month  is  that 
of  the  "  quadrature  du  mouchoir  de 
poche."  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  much 
publicity  will  be  given  to  this  event, 
with  the  result  that  one  of  the  most 
useful  inventions  of  all  times  will  be 
brought  to  the  notice  of  those  persons 
who  are  at  present  ignorant  of  it. 

£ 

A  French  gentleman  has  been 
awarded  £2  damages  against  a  railway 
company  because  a  train  by  which  he 
intended  to  travel  started  out  of  the 
station  two  minutes  too  early.  One 
can  picture  the  Managing  Director  of 


a  certain  English  railway  company 
striking  his  breast  and  saying,  "Thank 
Heaven,  this  could  not  happen  on  our 
line !  "  ^s 

On  the  llth  inst.,  Lord  ROUERT 
CECIL  moved  a  resolution  in  favour  of 
the  Upper  Chamber  in  the  Hampstead 
Parliament.  Though  Lord  ROBERT  is 
not  a  Peer,  this  episode  lends  colour  to 
the  rumour  published  by  us  some  time 
ago  to  the  effect  that  London's  model 
Parliaments  might  be  induced  to  offer 
a  limited  number  of  seats  to  Peers  in 
the  event  of  their  eviction  from  the 
other  place. 


It  is  stated  that  the  burglars 
who  recently  broke  into  49,  Old 
Bond  Street,  wore  gloves.  But 
then  one  would  expect  Bond 
Street  burglars  to  be  dressy. 

From  an  advt.  of  an  hotel  for 
sale: 

' '  There  is  accommodation  for  nearly 
70  visitors,  all  in  excellent  i-ei>air  and 
thoroughly  well  furnished. " 

The  business  of  the  new  manage- 
ment will  be  to  keep  up  this  high 
standard  of  vicarious  catering. 

AN  INTERCEPTED 
LETTER. 

MY  DEAR  GIRL, — I  shall 
never,  I  hope,  make  such  an  ass 
of  myself  as  to  attempt  to  in- 
struct you  in  any  point  of 
behaviour  or  even  suggest  that 
you  have  a  fault,  but  I  do  wish 
you  would  listen  a  little  more 
closely  sometimes  when  I  am 
speaking.  I  know  I  am  a  dull 
fellow,  and  such  things  as  I  have 
to  say  to  you  are  not  pro- 
foundly interesting,  but  it  does 
mean  so  much  to  me  to  be  heard, 
and  you  are  now  and  then  so 
fearfully  short  with  me.  Don't 
be  angry,  will  you  ?  We  have  known 
each  other  too  long  for  that,  haven't 
we?  It  must  be — how  long? — five 
years  since  you  were  first  bored  by  my 
remarks.  No  wonder,  then,  that  you 
are  getting  less  and  less  patient  with 
me  and  oftener  and  oftener  ask  me  to 
say  it  again.  There  must,  I  think,  be 
something  wrong  about  my  voice.  If 
so,  I  am  truly  sorry.  I  will  go  to  a 
vocalist,  or  whatever  you  call  them. 
This  will  perhaps  save  you  from  going 
to  an  aurist,  which  I  should  never 
dream  of  asking  you  to  do.  But  mean- 
while, when  I  succeed  in  attracting 
your  notice,  you  will  try  a  little  harder 
to  attend,  won't  you? 

Your  friend,       

To  the  Girl  at  the  Telephone  Exchange. 


VOL.  CXI.. 


38 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1911. 


THE  TRIUMPH   OF  TRUTH. 

[In  a  leader,  entitled  "Imagination  and  Fact,"  T/te  Dui'u  ('/</••<„/,•/ 
ii  in.;  !  -  (hat  "anybody  who  looks  at  all  closely  at  this  Tory  papei 
must  lie  struck  b\  sonic  curious  thi'i^s,  just  now  ;"  and,  having  develops 
Ihis  general  observation  with  comments  upon  certain  feats  of  polities 
fancy,  issuer  the  following  authoritative  statement:  "Thus  are  imaf;i 
nation  an  1  facts  at  strife.  When  it  comes  to  the  test  of  the  dhisioi 
lobbies  tne  facts  will  win.''] 

NURSED  on  opinion  of  the  looser  kind, 

Fed  up  with  foolish  talk  and  vacant  tracts, 
How  oft  it  eases  my  Platonic  mind 

To  think  on  regions  where  they  know  the  Facts  ; 
To  feel  that  somewhere  on  Olympian  heights, 

Within  a  zone  of  perfect  calm  located, 
Mocking  Imagination's  mortal  flights, 

Stands  the  abode  of  Truth  Unmitigated. 

So  in  our  little  world  of  party  feuds, 

Where  daedal  Fancy  takes  her  chartered  fling, 
And  everyone  portentously  intrudes 

His  own  perversion  of  the  Actual  Thing, 
How  well  it  is,  when  politicians  urge 

Each  man  his  private  fiction  like  a  hobby, 
To  pause  serenely  till  the  Facts  emerge 

From  the  infallible  Division- Lobby. 

While  some  will  tell  you  how  the  recent  poll 

Condemned  a  rotten  Peerage  to  the  axe, 
And  some,  who  claim  to  read  the  People's  soul, 

Say  that  it  turned  upon  the  tummy-tax  ; — 
While  thus  Conjecture  rides  the  vast  inane 

Wafted  by  various  Fancy-made  propellers, 
I  trust  to  Truth  to  make  the  matter  plain 

When  sho  conveys  the  verdict  through  her  "  tellers." 

None  else  can  say  just  what  the  Public  meant ; 

None  but  the  speaking  Truth  can  tell  us  why 
With  such  precise  exactitude  they  sent 

The  two  great  Parties  back  to  make  a  tie ; 
Look  to  the  Lobby,  when  the  bells  ring  out ! 

Though  Falsehoods  meanwhile  flourish  for  a  wee  bit 
ELIBANK  is  her  prophet ;  he  don't  doubt 

Magna  est  Veritas  et  pravalebit.  0.  S. 


The  New  Coinage. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — You  have  before  now  hurt  the  sacred 
Feelings  of  some  of  your  Scots  clients  by  wrongly  referring 
to  the  inhabitants  of  Great  Britain  as  "  the  English."  It 
may  please  you  therefore  to  have  your  attention  called  to  a 
letter  in  a  Radical  journal  of  Jan.  12,  where  the  writer 
pleads  against  the  use  of  a  dead  language  on  our  new 
coins.  "  Is  not  the  English  language,"  he  asks,  "  more 
widely  spoken,  and  has  it  not  a  greater  literature  than  any 
Jther  "  ?  (I  should  not  dare  to  answer  the  second  riddle, 
3ut  as  for  the  first  I  am  very  nearly  sure  that  the  English 
language  is  more  widely  spoken  than  Latin  or  any  other 
dead  language.)  "Latin,"  he  continues,  "is  all  right  in 
ts  proper  place,  but  when  it  obtrudes  itself  on  our  modern 
English  coinage  it  becomes  an  absurd  anomaly "  I 
tahcize  the  word  "  English,"  because  the  letter  is  signed 
DEI  GRA.  HIELAN'  LADDIE."  It  almost  looks  as  if  the 
writer  might  be  a  Scot.  What  do  you  think  ? 

Yours  cannily,  A  MON  AN'  A  BRITHEH. 


"The  "rat  photograph  is  that  of  a  fourteen  pound  pike  taken  in  a 
backyard  from  the  top  of  a  step-ladder."—  Cuunlry  Life. 

Why  go  to  Norway  to  fish  ?     Buy  a  step-ladder  and  fish 
n  your  own  backyard. 


THE    GOOSE. 

SCENE  —The  dining-room  at  luncheon  time.     He  and  She  are 

there  with  four  children  (three  girls  ranging  in  age  from 

seven  to  eleven,  and  a  boy  of  three  and  a  half).     Also  a 

Mademoiselle.  They  have  just  taken  the'ir^eatsand  themeal 

is  about  to  begin.     A  youthful  footman  is  hoveling  about. 

He.  Halloa  !     Why  's  the  goose  in  front  of  me  ?    Where 's 

Parkins? 

She.  I  told  you  all  about  it,  but  I  suppose  you  didn't 
listen.  Parkins  has  gone  to  London  to  see  his  daughter 
married,  and  you  've  got  to  carve  the  goose. 

He.  Oh,  come,  I  say  !  That 's  rather  a  stiff  job,  isn't 
it  ?  A  goose  is  such  a  rum  bird  to  carve. 

She.  My  clear  Charles,  you  've  always  told  me  you  were 
a  sort  of  heavy-weight  championship  carver. 

He.  So  I  am  at  legs  of  mutton  and  chickens  and  hams. 
I  simply  can't  be  beaten  at  hams ;  but  a  goose  1 
She.  Well,  if  you  won't  I  must. 
He.  Never. 

She.  Hurry  up,  then.     We  're  all  starving. 
He.     If  I  must,  I  must,  so  here  goes.      (To  the  little-  boi/) 
John,  tell  your  mother  not  to  allow  you  tochoke  youiself  with 
ihe  spoon.     Here  's  for  a  peerage  or  Westminster  Abbey. 
(He  plunges  the  fork  into  the  bird's  breast  and  sets  to  work 
with  tlie  knife)     This  is  easier  than  I  thought.     There! 
I  've  cut  you  two  of  the  daintiest  slices  I  've  ever  seen. 
She.  Don't  forget  the  stuffing. 
He.  Good  heavens !     Stuffing !     Which  end  is  it  ? 
She.  Don't  be  absurd,  Charles. 

He.  Can  nobody  tell  a  gentleman  where  a  goose  keeps 
ts   stuffing?     I   suppose  I   must  chance  it.     (He  does.) 
Wrong,  of  course.     What  a  mercy  there  !s  only  one  other 
end.     (He  gets  at  the  stuffing  and  inserts  a  spoon.}     Here  's 
stuffing  for  the  million.     It 's  more  exciting  than  digging 
or  diamonds.     My,  what  a  bird  this  is  for  stuffing !     I 
nust  say  it's  extremely  creditable  to  you  and  cook   to 
choose  a  bird  like  that.     You  might  have  piclced  a  goose 
without  any  stuffing  at  all,  and  where  should  we  have  been 
nen  ?  [He  continues  carving  the  breast. 

The  Eldest  Girl  (to  the  Second).  Dad 's  making  a  joke  now. 
Second  Girl.  No,  he  isn't.     That  wasn't  a  joke.     Dad 
Meant  that. 

Third  Girl.  Never  mind,  Dad.     I  like  your  jokes. 
He.  Thank  you,  Betsy.     You've  got  a  kind  heart. 
She.  Do  get  on  a  little  faster,  dear.     You're  keeping  the 
hildren  waiting,  and  we  shall  never  finish  luncheon  at 
his  rate. 

He.  That 's  a  nice  thing  to  say  to  a  man  when  he 's 
oing  his  best.  I  'm  all  among  the  legs  and  wings  now,  so 
mustn't  be  hurried.  This  looks  like  a  wing,  biit  where  's 
.s  joint?  (He  begins  to  perform  feats  of  strength  with  the 
armng -knife.)  I  take  back  everything  I  said  in  prai-e  of 
his  blessed  bird.  It  hasn't  got  a  joint  anywhere.  (More 
:ats.)  If— I — don't— get— through— something — directly 

— you — can— count — me — out.      I  '11 

[At    this  point   the  goose,   having   been    incautiously 
elevated,  drops  back  into  the  dish  with  a  splash. 
The  children  yell  with  joy. 
Third  Girl.  You  've  splashed  Madamazelle  in  the  face. 

He.  Mille  pardons,  Mademoiselle.     La  sauce 

Mademoiselle.  Ce  n'est  rien,  Monsieur.     Vous  avez  vise 
uste,  meme  trop  juste.     Je  1'ai  re$ue  dans  la  bouche. 

Ihe  three  Girls  (more  or  less  together).  Dad's  splashed 

ladamazelle.     Dad  's  spoilt  the  tab'le-cloth.     There 's  a  big 

plash  on  the  silver  cup.     Doesn't  it  make  your  faca  look 

unny  in  the  cup  ?      There  's  a  splash  on  my  hand,  &c.,  &c. 

He  (m  a  voice  of  thunder).  Silence,  ungrateful  children. 

ou   ought  to  be  thankful  you've  got   any  gravy  to  be 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  18.  1911. 


THE     EXILE     SUPPLANTED; 

OE,  THE  ENOCH  ARDEN  OP  FLEET  STREET. 

[There  has  been  a  nimonr,  generally  discredited,  that  Temple  Bar  may  be  re-established  in  Lowdou,  though  not  on  its  old  site.] 


JANUARY  18.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


41 


WHY    NOT? 

THE  FELINE  FUR-CLEANING  ASSOCIATION      FURS  CLEANED  BY  AN  ENTIRELY  NEW  AND  NATURAL  PROCESS. 


splashed  with.     If  I  hear  another  word  there  shall  be  no 
apple  tart. 

Third  Girl.  Oh,  Dad,  you  mustn't.  IZifceyourcarving.Dad. 

She.  You  have  just  touched  the  clean  table-cloth,  haven't 
you,  dear  ? 

He.  Yes,  just  the  tiniest  little  pet  of  a  spot. 

Second  Girl  (reproachfully).  Oh,  Dad !      I  've   counted 
twenty-six  and  I  haven't  finished  yet. 

[At  last  he  completes  his  carving  and  sinks  back  into  his 
chair  exhausted. 

He.  I  hope  Parkins  hasn't  got  any  more  daughters. 

She.  Hear,  hear ! 


AN   UNDESIRABLE   ALIEN. 

DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, — -Now  that  Public  Opinion  is  being  so 
very  much  exercised  as  to  the  wisdom  of  allowing  foreign 
undesirables  to  use  our  tight  little  island  as  a  refuge,  don't 
you  think,  Sir,  that  this  would  be  an  admirable  opportunity 
to  get  something  done  with  regard  to  that  most  undesirable 
of  all  aliens,  our  Weather  ? 

As  far  as  I  can  make  out,  Sir,  we  have  no  weather  of 
our  own — at  least,  if  we  have,  it  never  gets  a  chance  to  show 
itself,  being  quite  overshadowed  by  these  abominable  foreign 
importations.  Whenever  I  look  at  the  weather  reports  I 
tind  something  like  this :  "  The  Scandinavian  cyclonic 
disturbance  is  advancing  rapidly  in  the  direction  of  the 
British  Isles,  while  the  Icelandic  depression  is  already 
encroaching  on  our  northern  shores,"  or  "  The  deep  cyclonic 


system  which  is  at  present  centring  in  the  southern  part 
of  these  islands  has  travelled  over  from  Siberia,  and  may 
be  expected  to  increase  in  severity  for  some  days." 

Now  why  should  we  put  up  with  these  foreign  mis- 
creants any  longer  ?  Why  should  our  island  be  the  popular 
resort  of  every  meteorological  desperado  in  two  continents  ? 
Their  own  countries  won't  stand  them,  that 's  evident.  And 
there  is  good  reason  to  suppose  that  they  never  display 
their  full  malevolence  until  they  reach  us.  Other  places 
have  their  little  climatic  trials,  I  admit;  but  though  the 
behaviour  of  these  disturbances  and  depressions  is  bad 
enough  over  there  to  merit  their  immediate  expulsion  by  the 
clear-headed  foreigner  they  reserve  their  most  fiendish  out- 
rages for  British  soil.  We  offer  them  a  refuge  and  they 
repay  us  with  the  blackest  treachery. 

No,  Sir,  the  strictest  regulations  must  be  drawn  up  to 
prevent  this  abuse  of  hospitality.  Let  every  doubtful  de- 
pression and  disturbance  that  fails  to  guarantee  a  reasonable 
modicum  of  sunshine  per  diem  be  resolutely  deported  back 
to  the  country  of  origin.  What  we  want  is  Protection ;  we 
must  refuse  to  be  the  climatic  dumping-ground  of  Europe. 
For  I  am  old-fashioned  enough  to  believe,  Sir,  that,  given  a 
clear  field,  we  ourselves  could  manufacture  here  in  England 
all  the  weather  that  is  required  for  home  consumption. 
Whatever  the  results  of  our  first  unskilled  attempts,  they 
couldn't  very  well  be  any  worse  than  these  imported 
specimens.  With  "  British  Weather  for  British  Consumers 
and  Down  with  Foreign  Depressions  "  as  our  battle-cry, 

Yours,  etc.,         PATRIOT. 


42 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    18,    1911. 


THREATENED  BILUARD  DEADLOCK. 

G  HAY'S  BREAKS  LEAD  TO  TROUBLE. 

ATSTHALIAN  FruY. 
THE    spectacle    of    the   classic   and 
superb    DIGGLE     (who    lias    recently 
beaten  STKYF.NSON  by  several  thousand 


i  baulk  and  elsewhere  on  the  table.  And, 
lastly,  a  run  of  direct  nursery  cannons 
(which  you  and  I  can  do  so  beautifully) 
\v;is  limited  to  twenty-five. 

With  such  a  record  behind  them  the 
Billiard  authorities  naturally  would  not 
have  shrunk  for  a  moment  from  tack- 


t    n 


whole  sessions  fafense  de  rirc)  while 

GEORGE  GRAY,  the  Australian  marvel 

of  eighteen,  was   compiling  more  re- 

cords    off    the    red,   at    last    brought 

matters  to  a  head,  and  the  Billiards 

Control  Association  are  now  hard   at 

work  trying  at  the  same  time  to  come 

to  a  conclusion  with  regard 

to    the    stroke,   to    appease 

DIGGLE   and    to  pacify  the 

warlike  sons  of  an  outraged 

Commonwealth. 

But,    first,    what    is    the 

stroke?     Well,    it    is    quite 

simple.    It  is   merely  going 

in   off  the  red  into  one  or 

other  of  the  middle  pockets 

and  then  doing  it  again  and 

again  until  you  do  it  oftener 

than  any  one  else  and  your 

father  kisses  you  to  a  pulp. 
We  can  all  make  the  stroke, 

but  it  has  never  occurred  to 
us  —  not  even  to  our  profes- 
sionals —  to  go  in  for  so 
much  of  it.  One  or  two,  and 
then  the  ordinary  amateur  — 
you  or  I  —  turns  to  other  and 
more  attractive  fields  of 
action,  to  the  cannon,  to  the 
white  loser,  to  the  failure  to 
score,  and  even  to  the  miss- 
cue.  Our  game  is  varied  ; 
the  boy  GRAY'S  is  monoto- 
nous. Clever  he  may  be,  but 
tedious  and  tiresome.  And 
think  of  DIGGLE  seated  there 
with  his  chin  on  his  knees 
for  four  long  hours  ;  and 
psople  in  the  hall,  who  had 
paid  to  see  him  too  !  Some- 
thing, of  course,  had  to  be 
done.  Billiards  was  threatened 


faTwolling  young  GEORO.K  OKAY  and  the  red 


losers,  had  it  not  been  for  one  thing. 
GEORGE  GRAY  is  an  Australian;  and, 
they  asked  themselves  is  it  wise  to 
excite  Australian  anger?  One  knows 
those  Antipodeans  —  how  keen  they 
are,  how  proud  of  their  sportsmanship. 
Would  it  be  a  sensible  act  to  clip  thii 


First  Caddie  (to  second  ditto).   "  WOULDN'T  COST  'IM  MUCH,  NOT  IF 

WAS   I'LAYIN'   WIV   NEW-LAID  EGOS." 


our 


best  professionals  made  to  look  foolish. 
It  is  not  the  first  time  the  authorities 
have  had  to  act.     There  was  a  stroke 
called  the  push.      Where   is   it 


young  kangaroo's  wings  ?  Would  any 
of  the  Billiards  Control  gentlemen  be 
safe?  Think  of  the  boomerang,  how 


The  Hon.  W.  R.  Deakin, 
If  anything  were  done  to  depreciate 
or  discourage  the  natural  and  acquired 
genius  of  the  wonderful  boy,  GEORGE 
GRAY,  of  whom  the  Daughter-Country 
is  so  rightly  proud,  I  can  assure 
England  that  no  good  would  follow. 
Painter-cutting  would  inevitably  result. 

The  Editor,  "  The  Sydney  Bulletin:' 
Nothing  can  save  England,  if  GRAY'S 
stroke  is  barred  or  tampered  with,  from 
a  wholesale  revolt  amongst  the  mar- 
supial population  of  Australia.  It  is 
enough  to  make  a  dingo  despair. 

Madame  Melba. 
I  trust  that  the  poor  boy 
will  be  allowed  to  go  on  as 
he  is.     We  all  delight  in  his 
bravura. 

Mr.  Victor  Trumpet: 
My  view  is  that  214  off 
the  leather  with  SINCLAIR 
and  LLEWELLYN  bowling  is 
setter  than  any  number  off 
;he  red  ivory.  All  the  same, 
should  seriously  resent  any 
interference  with  GRAY. 

Madame  Ada  Crossley. 
I  regard  the  proposal  of  the 
Billiards  Control  as  an  act 
of  treason  against  the  South- 
ern Cross.  I  shall  never  be 
able  to  sing  "Robin  Gray" 
without  a  painful  conscious- 
ness that  the  first  word  ought 
to  be  spelled  with  two  b's. 

Lord  Dudley. 
I  am  prepared  to  withdraw 
my  resignation  if  by  so  doing 
I  can  in  any  way  support  my 
friend  GEORGE  GRAY  against 
this  attempt  to  impair  his 
supremacy. 

Mr.  Richard  Jebb. 
This    is   worse    than    the 
—  Roferendum.      Morning  Post 
staff    absolutely   solid    in   denouncing 
contemplated  action  as  worthy  of  Lore 
Robert  le  Diable. 


once 


now?  To  be  found  in  its  perfection 
one  must  seek  the  giddy  haunts  of 
bagatelle.  There  was  a  stroke  called 
the  spot.  A  little  man  named  PEALL 
used  to  make  it.  His  head  just  ap- 
peared above  the  table,  but  he  could 


deadly 
lethal  ! 


The   Sydney   Bulletin,  how 
The  cassowary   champagne, 


how  flaming ! 

Deciding,  therefore,  that  it  wras  best 
to  feel  the  pulse  of  Antipodean  opinion 
before  taking  too  decisive  action,  a 
number  of  cablegrams  to  prominent 
|  Australians  and  Australophils,  with 


make  the  stroke  for  ever,  and  since  answers  prepaid  up  to  a  reasonable 
this  shot,  too,  injured  the  game  as  a '  amount  (considering  Australian  elo- 
whole  it  had  to  go.  Then  came  thejquence),  were  sent  out  by  the  Associa- 


anchor,  and  that  also  had  to  go,  but 
not  before  REECE  had  made  nearly  a 
quarter  of  a  million  points  from  it  at 
the  top  end  in  the  watches  of  many 


tion.     The  replies  are  subjoined  : — 

Clem  Hill. 

GRAY  must  not  be  touched.     He  is 
one  of  our  glories.     My  only  regret  is 


nights,   while    the  reporters   slept    in  ;  that  he  is  right-handed. 


"The  Australian's    magnificent    effort    tor 
initiated  by  failure,  after  losing  the  red  and  hi 
own  ball,  to  screw  into  the  top  pocket." — Daily 
Mail. 

With  only  his  opponent's  ball  to  play 
with  he  ought  to  have  had  no  difficulty 
in  getting  it  into  any  pocket. 


"Quite  an  epidemic  of  burglary  and  house- 
breaking  appears  to  be  raging  ill  London,  no 
fewer  than  four  cases  coining  before  the 
magistrates  in  various  courts." — Royal  Corn- 
wall Gazette. 

Really   it 's   hardly   safe    to    sleep    at 
nights.    One  house  in  every  half  million ! 


JANUARY  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


43 


RISING    TO    THE    OCCASION. 

Ritualistic  Vicar'i  Wife  (to  Few  Cook).  "AND  YOU  ABE  A.  HIGH-CHURCH  WOMAN,  I  HOPE?" 
New  Cook.  "Oil,  YES,  MUM,  HIGH  CHUKCB,  AND  AS  THE  CHURCH  GETS  HIGHER  /GET  HIGHER." 


ORDO    EQUESTRIS. 

[A  new  method  of  settling  the  unfortunate  differences  between  Peers  and 
Commons.] 

I  AM  not  one  of  those  whose  swords 

Are  pointed  to  assail  the  Veto, 
Nor  yet  do  I  defend  the  Lords 

Against  the  Socialist  mosquito  ; 
I  rather  strum  the  tuneful  chords 
Of  harmony,  and  foot  the  boards 

Of  state-craft  with  a  free  toe. 

For  when  these  civic  feuds  are  rife 
And  men  with  raucous  tones  or  fruity 

Have  made  a  burden  of  my  life 

(We  bards  were  meant  to  live  for  Beauty), 

To  cut  the  Gordian  knot  of  strife 

With  reason's  penetrating  knife 
Would  seem  to  be  my  duty. 

They  say — I  get  these  newsy  whiffs 

From  friends  who  talk  above  their  toddy — 

That  ASQUITH,  tired  of  verbal  tiffs, 

With  half  a  thousand  peers  of  shoddy 

Will  fight  the  Upper  Chamber's  sniffs, 

A  move  that  absolutely  biffs 
That  legislative  body. 

Well,  I  'm  no  single  Chamber  chap  ; 

The  Constitution's  woven  tissues 
In  such  a  case  I  trow  would  snap, 

The  use  of  Power  be  turned  to  7»»s-use ; 


But  when  two  Councils  have  a  scrap, 
One  needs  a  third  to  join  the  gap 
And  judge  their  jarring  issues. 

Nor  idly  thus  you  '11  understand 

With  peaceful  voice  my  Muse  has  twittered  ; 
A  House  of  Rnights  is  what  I  've  planned 

To  heal  the  rage  of  hearts  embittered — 
Men  of  a  sound  commercial  brand, 
Mayors  and  the  like,  with  whom  our  land 

Is  positively  littered. 

These  are  the  nation's  very  soul, 

And  ought  by  rights  to  rule  her  courses, 

Whom  not  the  favour  of  the  poll 
Nor  accident  of  birth  endorses, 

But  bacon,  beer,  and  boots  and  coal ; 

So  to  our  help,  O  Knighthood,  roll 

Up  with  your  champing  horses.  EVOE. 


"Count  Bsnckendoiff,  tlie  Russian  Ambassador,  is  spending  a  few 
days  at  the  Isle  of  Mull,  on  the  East  Coast  of  Scotland."—  The  Daily 
Telegraph. 

Apparently  the  Isle  of  Mull  is  also  spending  a  few  days 
on  the  East  Coast  of  Scotland. 


"  All  the  bridesmaids,"  says  the  Liverpool  Courier, 
"wore  gold  jewelled  breeches."  We  are  not  surprised  to 
read  that  ".the  wedding  attracted  a  great  deal  of  atten- 
tion." 


44 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1911. 


UTTLE  PLAYS  FOR  AMATEURS. 

The  difficulty  of  finding  suitable 
one- Act  plays  for  country  house  thea- 
tricals has  often  been  commented  upon. 
The  real  trouble,  however,  is  not  that 
there  is  a  scarcity  of  such  plays,  but 
that  there  are  too  many  of  them.  But 
while  there  are  many  plays  there  are 
not  more  than  half-a-dozen  types,  and 
it  is  felt  that  if  the  choice  of  the 
amateur  impresario  were  restricted  to 
single  examples  of  these  plays  he 
would,  without  losing  anything  of 
artistic  value,  be  a  considerable  gainer 
in  the  matter  of  time.  We  propose, 
therefore,  to  indicate,  once  and  for  all, 
the  types  at  his  disposal. 

I. — "  FAIR  MISTRESS  DOROTHY." 

[Penalty  for  performing  tlm  play,  one  guinea. 
Second  offence,  twenty-one  days.] 

The  'scene  is  an  apartment  in  the  man- 
sion of  Sir  Thomas  Farthingale. 
There  is  no  need  to  describe  the 
furniture  in  it,  as  rehearsals  will 
show  what  is  wanted.  A  picture 
or  two  of  previous  Sir  Thomas's 
might  be  seen  on  the  walls,  if  you 
have  an  artistic  friend  who  could 
arrange  this  ;  but  it  is  a  mistake 
to  hang  up  your  own  ancestors,  as 
some  of  your  guests  may  recognise 
them,  and  thus  pierce  beneath  the 
vraisemblancc  of  the  scene. 

TJie  period  is  that  of  Cromwellr— sixteen 
something. 

The  costumes  are,  as  far  as  possible,  of 
the  same  period. 

Mistress  Dorothy  Farthingale  is  seated 
in  the  middle  of  the  stage,  reading 
a  letter  and  occasionally  sighing. 

Enter  My  Lord  Carey. 

Carey.  Mistress  Dorothy  alone! 
Truly  Fortune  smiles  upon  me. 

Dorothy  Chiding  the  letter  quickly). 
An  she  smiles,  my  lord,  I  needs  must 
frown. 

Carey  (used  to  this  sort  of  thing  and 
no  longer  put  off  by  it).  Nay,  give  me 
but  one  smile,  sweet  mistress.  (She 
sighs  heavily.)  You  sigh !  Is 't  for  me  ? 

Dorothy  (feeling  that  the  sooner  he 
and  the  audience  understand  the  situ- 
ation the  better).  I  sigh  for  another, 
my  lord,  who  is  absent. 

Carey  (annoyed).  Zounds,  and 
zounds  again!  A  pest  upon  the 
fellow!  (He  strides  up  and  down  the 
room,  keeping  out  of  the  way  of  his 
sword  as  much  as  possible.)  Would 
that  I  might  pink  the  pesky  knave ! 

Dorothy  (turning  upon  him  a  look  of 
hate).  Would  that  you  might  have 
the  chance,  my  lord,  so  it  were  in  fair 
fighting.  Methinks  Roger's  sword- 
arm  will  not  have  lost  its  cunning  in 
the  wars. 


Carey.  A  traitor  to  fight  against  his 
King! 

Dorothy.  He  fights  for  what  he 
thinks  is  right.  (She  lakes  out  his 
letter  and  kisses  it.) 

Carey  (observing  the  action).  You 
have  a  letter  from  him  ! 

Dorothy  (hastily  concealing  it,  and 
turning  pak).  How  know  you  that  ? 

Carey.  Grive  it  to  me !  (She  shrieks 
and  rises.)  By  heavens,  madam,  I  will 
have  it ! 

[He  struggles  with  her  and  seizes  it. 

Enter  Sir  Thomas. 

Sir  Thomas.  Odds  life,  my  lord, 
what  means  this  ? 

Carey  (straightening  himself).  It 
means,  Sir  Thomas,  that  you  harbour  a 
rebel  within  your  walls.  Master  Eoger 
Dale,  traitor,  corresponds  secretly  with 
your  daughter. 

[Wfio,  I  forgot  to  say,  has  swooned. 

Sir  Thomas  (sternly).  Give  me  the 
letter.  Ay,  'tis  Roger's  hand,  I  know 
it  well.  (He  reads  the  letter,  which  is 
full  of  thoughtful  metaphors,  aloud  to  the 
audience.  Suddenly  his  eyebrows  go  up 
to  express  surprise.  He  seizes  Lord 
Carey  by  the  arm).  Ha !  Listen ! 
"  To-morrow,  when  the  sun  is  upon  the 
western  window  of  the  gallery,  I  will 
be  with  thee."  The  villain ! 

Carey  (tvho  does  not  know  the  house 
very  well).  When  is  that? 

Sir  Thomas.  Why,  'tis  now,  for  I 
have  but  recently  passed  through  the 
gallery  and  did  mark  the  sun. 

Carey  (fiercely).  In  the  name  of  the 
King,  Sir  Thomas,  I  call  upon  you  to 
arrest  this  traitor. 

Sir  Thomas  (sighing).  I  loved  the  boy 
well,  yet 

[He  shrugs  his  shoulders  expressively 
ami  goes  out  with  Lord  Carey  to 
collect  sufficient  force  for  the  arrest. 
Enter  Roger  by  secret  door  R. 

Eoger.  My  love ! 

Dorothy  (opening  her  eyes).  Roger  ! 

Roger.  At  last ! 

[For  the  moment  they  talk  in  short 
sentences  like  this.  Then  Dorothy 
puts  her  liand  to  her  brow  as  if  she 
is  remembering  something  horrible. 

Dorothy.  Roger!  Now  I  remember! 
It  is  not  safe  for  you  to  stay ! 

Roger  (very  brave).  Am  I  a  puling 
child  to  be  afraid  ? 

Dorothy.  My  Lord  Carey  is  here. 
He  has  read  your  letter. 

Roger.  The  black-livered  dog  !  Would 
I  had  him  at  my  sword's  point  to  teach 
him  manners. 

[He  puts  his  hand  to  his  heart  and 
staggers  into  a  chair. 

Dorothy.  Oh,  you  are  wounded  ! 

Roger.  Faugh,  'tis  but  a  scratch.  Am 
I  a  puling — 

[He  faints.     She  binds  up  his  ankle. 


Enter  Lord  Carey  with  two  soldiers. 

Carey.  Arrest  this  traitor !  (Roger 
is  led  away  by  the  soldiers.) 

Dorothy  (stretching  out  her  hands  to 
him).  Roger!  (She  sinks  into  a  chair.) 

Carey  (choosing  quite  the  wrong 
moment  for  a  proposal).  Dorothy,  I 
love  you !  Think  no  more  of  this 
traitor,  for  he  will  surely  hang.  'Tis 
your  father's  wish  that  you  and  I 
should  wed. 

Dorothy  (refusing  him).  Go,  lest  I 
call  in  the  grooms  to  whip  you. 

Carey.  By  heaven—  —(thinking 
better  of  it)  I  go  to  fetch  your  father. 

[Exit. 
Enter  Roger  by  secret  door  L. 

Dorothy.  Roger !  You  have  escaped ! 

Roger.  Knowest  not  the  secret  pas- 
sage from  the  wine  cellar,  where  we  so 
often  played  as  children?  'Twas  in 
that  same  cellar  the  thick-skulled 
knaves  immured  me. 

Dorothy.  Roger,  you  must  fly  !  Wilt 
wear  a  cloak  of  mine  to  elude  our 
enemies  ? 

Roger   (missing    the    point    rather). 
Nay,  if  I  die,  let  me  die  like' a  man,  not 
like  a  puling  girl.    Yet,  sweetheart — 
Enter  Lord  Carey. 

Carey  (forgetting  himself  in  his  con- 
fusion). Odds  my  zounds,  dod  sink 
me !  What  murrain  is  this  ? 

Roger  (seizing  Sir  Thomas's  sword, 
which  had  been  accidentally  left  behind 
on  the  table,  as  I  ought  to  have  said 
before,  and  advancing  threateningly). 
It  means,  my  lord,  that  a  villain's  time 
lias  come.  Wilt  say  a  prayer  ? 

[They  fight,  and  Carey  is  disarmed 
before  they  can  hurt  each  other. 

Carey  (dying  game).  Strike,  Master 
Dale! 

Roger.  Nay,  I  cannot  kill  in  cold 
blood. 

[He  throws  down  his  sword.  Lord 
Carey  exhibits  considerable  emotion 
at  this,  and  decides  to  turn  over 
an  entirely  new  leaf. 

Enter  tivo  soldiers. 
Carey.  Arrest   that    man !      (Roger 
is  seized  again.)     Mistress  Dorothy,  it 
is  for  you  to  say  what  shall  be  done 
with  the  prisoner. 

Dorothy  (standing  up  if  she  was 
sitting  down,  and  sitting  down  if  she 
was  standing  up).  Ah,  give  him  to 
me,  my  lord ! 

Carey  (joining  the  hands  of  Roger 
and  Dorothy).  I  trust  to  you,  sweet 
mistress,  to  see  that  the  prisoner  does 
not  escape  again. 

[Dorothy  and  Roger  embrace  each 
other,  if  they  can  do  it  without 
causing  a  scandal  in  the  neighbour- 
hood, and  the  curtain  goes  down. 

A.  A:M. 


JANUARY  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


45 


I.— TYPICAL  SPECIMEN  OF  SHOOTING-PARTY  GROUP. 


A .  M  iu»r«  .- 
II. — DESIGN  FOB  SOMETHING  FP.E.SII. 


46 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  18,  1911. 


^  I 


FIRST   AIDS   TO    HORSEMANSHIP. 

SCENE— A  Training  Stable.     Say  just  returned  with  exhausted  horse. 
Head  Lad.  "I'LL  LEAKS  YEE  TO  LET  THAT  'OBSE  BOLT  WITH  YER,  YOU  YOUNG  RAT!" 
Boy.  "0-on,  PLEASE,  I  COULDX'T  'ELP  IT,  I  COULDN'T  'ELP  IT!" 
Head  Lad.  "'£LP  IT— o'  COUESK  YOU  COULDN'T  'ELP  IT.     IF  I  THOUGHT  YOU  COULD  'AVE  'ELPED  IT,  I'D  KILL  YEE  !" 


THE    SIMPLE    SHEPHERD. 

A  WINSTON-AND-LLOYD  GEOROHC. 
An  aged  man, 

Still  hearty  and  still  hale, 
A  simple  swain  from  out  the  West, 

What  should  he  know  of  gaol  ? 

He  had  a  rustic  woodland  air, 

He  plied  his  humble  art 
On  uplands  where  the  hinds  prepare 

Sheep  for  the  mutton  mart. 

He  loved  his  flock,  he  knew  them  all, 
Nor  lost  them,  like  Bo-Peep, 

And  to  his  side  by  name  could  call 
Each  individual  sheep. 

One  day,  when  after  work  he  stood 

Beside  an  old  church  door, 
He  found  a  little  box  of  wood, 

'Twas  labelled,  "  For  the  Poor." 

Within  the  box,  as  he  could  see, 

A  silver  florin  lay, 

"The   Poor,"   he    cried;    "nay,   that 
means  me," 

And  took  the  coin  away. 

And  so  because,  o'ercome  by  ale, 
He  took  what  wasn't  his'n, 


For  thirteen  years,  so  ran  the  tale, 
They  shut  him  up  in  prison. 

Far  from  the  sheep  he  loved  so  well, 

Companioned  by  despair, 
They  left  him  in  a  narrow  cell 

With  nought  but  prison  fare. 

At  last  two  gentlemen  came  by 

Of  credit  and  renown, 
Seeking  a  good  election-cry, 

From  famous  London  town. 

Kind  hearts  are  more  than  coronets, 

And  many  a  time  and  oft 
Their  tears  had  flowed  in  rivulets, 

For,  oh,  their  hearts  were  soft. 

A  soldier's  coat  the  one  had  worn, 

A  lawyer's  robe  the  other, 
And  now,  in  loyal  friendship  sworn, 

They  joined  to  help  their  brother. 

The  soldier  sighed ;    "  Foul  shame,"  he 

cried ; 

"  And  yet  I  think,"  said  he, 
"This    tale    of     woe    may    serve    to 

show 
Our  famous  clemency." 


"  I  grieve  to  see,"  the  lawyer  wept, 
"  This  poor  old  shepherd's  vile  end  ; 

I  fear  this  scandal  can't  be  kept 
From  my  good  friends  at  Mile  End." 

For  months  and  months  they  thought 
it  o'er, 

To  be  or  not  to  be  ; 
Then  opened  wide  the  prison  door 

And  set  the  Shepherd  free. 

In  Wales  a  nice  retreat  was  found 
Where  he  might  come  and  go, 

Though  ere  he  left  it  he  was  bound 
To  let  his  patrons  know. 

On  Saturday  his  toil  began, 

On  Sunday  where  was  he  ? 
Ask  it  of  those  who  made  the  plan, 

The  plan  to  set  him  free. 

Where  did  that  gentle  shepherd  go, 
And  how  shall  end  our  tale  ? 

I  rather  trow  that  we  shall  know 
When  he  comes  back  to  gaol. 

For  there  'tis  plain  we  '11  see  again 

This  man  from  Dartmoor  (Devon), 
Whose  toll  of  years  was  thirty-eight 
Of  prison-service  to  the  State, 
The  rest  but  twenty-seven. 


PUNCH,   OK  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUABY  18,  1911. 


AFTEE  THE   POTSDAM   OVERTUEE. 


Ruts'"}  <»» 


{ 


FEAE   N°       FREND  }  IN   SHINING  ARMOUR  '  " 


JANUARY  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


49 


TROUSERS 
6NLY  • 


HI  ONLY  • 

T>-  <«•  ri* 

,.••      i  - 


."-^   r^W       "  ! 
'I  I 


CELEBRITIES    OUT    OF    THEIE    ELEMENT.— IV. 

OWIXQ  TO  THE  INOPPORTUNE  BREAKDOWN  OF  HIS  PRIVATE  MOTOR-CAR,  THE  ABOVE  UNOBTRUSIVE  VEHICLE  (THE  ONLY  KIND 
AVAILABLE  AT  THE  TIME)  CONTAINS,  BEHIND  CAREFULLY  DRAWN  BLINDS,  AN  ACTOR-MANAOER  £.V  ROUTS  FOR  A  TRIUMPHAL  TOUR  OK 
THE  UNITED  STATES.  MEMBERS  OF  THE  ILLUSTRATED  PRESS  AND  CINEMATOGRAPH  FRATERNITY  WHO  WERB  TO  HAVE  IMMORTALISED 
HIM  AS  HE  MOUNTED  HIS  CAR,  HAVE  BEEN  INSTRUCTED  TO  PROCEED  TO  THE  STATION  AND  THERE  TAKE  HIM  IN  HIS  OOINC-AWAY 
TROUSERS  WITH  ONE  FOOT  ON  THE  STEP  OF  A  RESERVED  SALOON. 


TO  THE    PAVILION   CLOCK. 

AT  A  FOOTBALL  MATCH. 
AROUND  the  ropes  the  tumult  swayed 

On  rows  of  myriad  feet, 
The  stands  were  packed  with  those  that 

paid 

A  shilling  for  a  seat, 
And  faces  hlue  and  faces  red, 
And  wild  eyes  starting  from  the  head, 
Confessed  some  little  heat. 

And  now  from  every  side  arose 
Full  many  a  voice  to  prime 

Their  friends  to  newer  zeal,  their  foes 
To  play  the  game  (or  gime), 

While  sounding  threats,  extremely  free, 

To  scrag  the  whistling  referee 
Assailed  the  thick  sublime. 

And  I,  too,  though  of  sober  mood, 

Letting  my  zeal  outrun 
Discretion,  bellowed,  howled  and  booed, 


And  carried  on  like  fun  ; 
Till  suddenly,  thou  thing  of  Awe, 
I  lifted  up  my  gaze,  and  saw 

Thy  face,  majestic  One. 

From  thy  high  gable  near  the  roof 

Thou  gazed'st  on  the  show 
Supremely,  icily  aloof 

From  them  that  raged  below ; 
While  they,  with  puny  fires,  waxed  hot, 
Time's  very  flight  concerned  thee  not, 

Thou  didst  not  even  go. 

Alone  above  that  purpled  crowd 
Thy  face  was  all  unflushed, 

Where  every  other  voice  was  loud, 
Thine,  thine  alone,  was  hushed. 

There,  while  the  world  beneath  thee 
raved, 

Thou  wert  the  one  thing  well-behaved  ; 
I  really  felt  quite  crushed. 

And,  gazing  on  thine  awful  face, 
Upon  my  spirit  canio 


A  numbing  sense  of  dull  disgrace, 

A  sudden  chill  of  shame  ; 
The  moments  passed  unheeded  by, 
The  sport  concerned  me  not,  though  I 

Had  money  on  the  game. 

In  vain  I  strove  to  keep  my  glance 

Fixed  on  that  paltry  fray ; 
Thy  grave  unsmiling  countenance 

Seemed  somehow  to  convey 
A  mute  contempt,  a  settled  scorn 
Too  righteous  to  be  tamely  borne— 

I  had  to  go  away. 

O  Clock,  O  cold  and  self-serene, 

Bitter  it  was  to  see 
How  low  that  unbecoming  scene 

Appeared  to  one  like  Thee ; 
And  sad — O  grave  and  lucid  brow — 
To  think  that  we  were  Britons,  Thou 

Wast  made  in  Germany. 

DuM-DuM. 


50 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [JANUARY  18, 1911. 


WAS  JULIUS  CAESAR  EVER  IN 

LONDON  ? 

DEAR  SIR, — Permit  me  to  settle  this 
vexed  question  once  and  for  all.  A  few 
years  ago  there  was,  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Herue  Hill— and  it  may  still 
bo  these  if  a  criminal  disregard  for 
historic  monuments  has  not  allowed  it 
to  fall  into  decay — a  neat  and  attractive 
erection  bearing  the  inscription,  JULIUS 
C.ESAR  SUMMER  HOUSE,  and  some 
reference  to  rustic  work  which,  being 
extraneous,  I  have  now  forgotten. 
GARRICK,  we  know,  had  a  villa  at 
Hampton,  POPE  a  grotto  at  Twicken- 
ham, BRUCE  a  castle  at  Tottenham, 
HADHIAN  a  villa  in  Northumbria,  and 
so  on.  The  interesting  relic  in  South 
London  not  only  establishes  the  fact  of 
CESAR'S  presence,  but  indicates  that 
in  the  early  days  of  the  Roman  occu- 
pation it  was  customary  to  have  a 
period  of  summer  here  in  our  metro- 
polis. Yours  faithfully, 

HISTOBICUS. 

gIR) — JULIUS  CAESAR  never  visited 
London.  WILLIAM  SHAKSPEARE  lived 
on  the  spot  300  years  nearer  his  time, 
so  that  he  was  in  a  better  position 
to  form  an  accurate  judgment.  Yet 
SHAKSPEAHE  makes  no  reference  to  the 
alleged  incident,  and  he  was  a  writer 
of  great  distinction,  and  generally 
accurate  with  regard  to  historical  detail. 
;  Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW,  who  also  at  one 
time  resided  on  the  spot,  has  written  a 
play  on  the  same  subject.  Mr.  SHAW  is 
fully  capable  of  making  up  his  history 
as  he  goes  along,  and  the  fact  that  he 
never  invented  this  myth  shows  that 
he  did  not  think  it  worth  inventing. 

The  public  and  the  press  have — as 
usual — got  the  thing  wrong.  In  the 
present  case  they  have  probably  con- 
fused some  hazy  recollection  of  Sir 
JULIUS  CJSSAR'S  tomb  in  the  City  with 
something,  inaccurately  related,  which 
they  have  recently  misread  about  the 
Cato  Street  conspiracy. 

Yours  truly,      ADELPHIAN. 

MY  DEAR  SIR, — Possibly  the  solution 
of  this  burning  question  is  to  be  found, 
not  so  much  by  examining  local  evi- 
dence as  in  the  conscientious  study  of 
the  conditions  which  existed  in  the 
palmy  era  of  Rome's  ascendency.  In 
this  connection  there  is  no  more  agree- 
able way  of  acquiring  the  necessary 
information  than  in  the  perusal  of 
sound  literature,  dealing — frequently  in 
the  palatable  guise  of  wholesome  fiction 
— with  the  period  concerned.  Here  I 
am  reminded  of  a  little  work  which 
was  received  very  favourably  by  the 
press  (The  Clackfeldy  Herald  said,  I 
think,  "  Painstaking  .  .  .  and  displays 
.  .  .  signs  of ...  ability)."  It  is  called, 


if  I  remember  the  title  rightly,  "  Thumbs 
Down  !  or,  Ave,  Casar  I  "  The  author 
hasovidently  made  the  epoch  thesubject 
of  close  study  and  much  thought,  and 
— being  entirely  disinterested — I  can 
warmly  recommend  the  volume  (it 
flashes  across  my  mind  that  it  is  pub- 
lished at  6/-,  with  the  usual  discount) 
to  those  who  are  fond  of  dwelling  on 
the  times  that  have  passed  away  for 
aye.  Yours  most  sincerely, 

V.  CRUMMLES. 

DEAR  SIR, — Whether  JULIUS  C^SAR 
actually  visited   London   or  not,   the 


STUDY    FOR    A    POPULAR 
BALLAD. 

WON'T  you  come,  my  dearest  girlie, 

At  the  hour  of  dawning  day, 
When  the  dewdrops  bright  and  pearly 

Mirror  back  the  Milky  Way ! 
When  the  owl  is  gently  hooting 

On  the  oleander  tree, 
And  the  nightingale  is  fluting 

Tira  lira,  tra  la  lee  ? 
Oh,  put  on  your  daintiest  kirtle 
Ere  the  turtle  dove  turns  turtle 
And  the  magic  of  the  rnyrllo 

Turns  to  ashes  at  our  feet ; 
Come  and  listen  to  my  pleading, 
For  'tis  you  that  I  am  needing, 
And  my  tender  heart  is  bleeding 

For  your  love  that  is  so  sweat. 

Wake  and  hurry  with  your  toilet, 

Little  bonnie  girlie  mine, 
Ere  the  petals  of  the  violet::: 

Wither  in  the  noonday  shine. 
Lo  !  the  world  its  best  apparel 

Has  ecstatically  donned, 
And  the  song-birds  raise  their  carol 

In  your  honour,  Hildegonde  ; 
And  the  kindly  cows  are  mooing 
As  the  cud  they  're  gently  chewing, 
And  the  cuckoos  are  cuckooing 

And  the  merry  lambkins  bleat. 
Come  and  listen  to  my  pleading, 
For  'tis  you  that  I  am  needing, 
And  my  tender  heart  is  bleed 'ng 

For  your  love  that  is  so  sweet. 
*  Pronounce  "  voilet. " 


BETTY  HAS  GROWN  TII:ED  OF  TEDDY  BEAKS, 
so   NOW  HER  GOVERNESS   is  QUITE   IN   THE 

FASHION. 


weight  of  evidence  is  overwhelming 
that  the  Phoenicians  landed  in  Corn- 
wall (aptly  termed  the  Riviera  of 
England)  at  a  much  earlier  date.  The 
reason  is  not  far  to  seek.  Here,  at  St. 
Blazes,  while  the  climate  is  invigora- 
ting, the  mean  annual 

[You     may     send     the    Illustrated 

Booklet  if  you  insist,  but  this  letter 

must  now  cease. — ED.] 


"Elegaace  is,  again,  a  different  quality,  and 
a  woman  may  dress  with  'chic,'  but  may  not 
really  attain  elegance,  while,  on  the  other  hand, 
there  are  some  women  who  have  '  chic '  and  yet 
who  lack  the  very  subtle  gift  of  elegance." — 
Evening  News. 

The  chances  of  missing  elegance  seem 
rather  numerous. 


THE  NOVEL  OF  THE  SEASON. 

IT  was  Jones  who  began  it  by  saying 
excitedly,  "  Of  course  you  've  read  Pink 
Poppies,  the  book  of  the  publishing 
season,  that  everybody 's  going  crazy 
over?  "  I  said,  "No  ;  do  tell  me  about 
it,"  and  Jones  gave  me  a  rtsumb  of  the 
plot,  which,  as  he  said,  was  a  remark- 
•ably  fine  one,  and  described  the  cha- 
racters, all  (it  seemed)  wonderfully  inte- 
resting, and  yet  exactly  like  the  people 
one  meets  in  everyday  life ;  but  there 
was  a  something  more  about  the  book, 
an  atmosphere  which  had  to  be  expe- 
rienced to  be  believed,  which  it  was 
impossible  for  him  to  attempt  to  com- 
municate. I  yawned  and  said  I  would 
read  it. 

The  lady  whom  I  took  in  to  dinner 
the  same  evening  almost  immediately 
opened  fire  with,  "  Of  course  you  've 
read  Pink  Poppies  ?  What  do  you 
feel  about  it?  "  And  I  (I  hope  I  may 
be  forgiven)  told  a  pink  lie,  and 
answered,  "  Isn't  it  splendid?  "  adding 
hurriedly,  "but  I  would  rather  know 
what  you  think  of  it."  So  I  got 
a  second  account  of  Pink  Poppies,  in 
which  the  characters  (and  even  the 
plot)  seemed  rather  different  but  none 


JANUARY  16,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


51 


NOW    THAT    1'ET    lions   ARE   A   RKOXiXISEIi     PART    OF    THE    NATION'S    LIFE,    IT   IS   8CBELY    HICH    TIME    THAT     RENTAfKASTS    SHOULD 
MAKE   SPECIAL   PROVISION   FOR  THIS   INFLUENTIAL  SECTION   OF  THE   PUBLIC. 


the  less  beautiful  and  stimulating. 
Human  nature,  after  all,  is  full  of  these 
inconsistencies,  and  it  was  now  that  it 
began  to  dawn  on  me  what  a  wonder- 
ful book  Pink  Poppies  must  be.  Later 
on  in  the  drawing-room  I  managed  to 
obtain  a  third  synopsis  from  another 
lady  (some  of  the  characters  seemed  to 
have  altered  their  names  in  the  mean- 
time, but  that,  too,  has  been  known  to 
occur  in  real  life),  and  I  began  to  find 
myself  taking  strangely  individual 
views  about  the  heroine,  and  differing 
from  the  ordinary  opinion  about  the 
great  emotional  crisis  of  her  life. 

After  that  I  read  eagerly  all  the 
newspaper  reviews  of  Pink  Poppies, 
and  they  all  agreed  in  praising  it, 
though  all  for  quite  different  reasons ; 
other  people  also  insisted  on  discussing 
1'ink  Poppies  with  me  and  growing 
enthusiastic  about  it  until  gradually 
out  of  the  mist  of  warring  motives  and 
changing  events  there  grew  up  in  my 
mind  a  clear  and  beautiful  memory : 
Pink  Popjiifa  became  a  part  of  my 
life,  and  1  could  more  readily  have 
borne  the  death  of  either  of  my  great- 
uncles  than  the  loss  of  the  new  friends 
I  found  in  its  pages.  I  became  an 


authority  on  Pink  Poppies,  and  was 
celebrated  as  one  who  knew  its  hero 
more  intimately  and  appreciated  his 
mental  struggles  better  than  anybody 
else.  I  began  to  see  the  world  through 
pink  spectacles,  and  whenever  I  met 
Jones  I  would  thank  him  effusively  for 
being  the  first  to  introduce  me  to  the 
book. 

I  have  not  yet  read  Pink  Poppies, 
and  I  shall  never  bring  myself  to  do  so 
now,  for  I  feel  sure  I  should  be  horribly 
disillusioned. 


A    LOVE-SONG. 
(Out  of  Season.) 

HER  name  is  merely  Sarah  Cooke ; 

She 's  not  so  bad  a  wench  ; 
She  knits  and  sews  and  even  knows 

A  smattering  of  French  ; 
And,  what  is  more,  her  father  's  on 

The  local  petty  bench. 

Her  wit  is  of  the  nature  which 

Not  frequently  expands, 
But,  when  it  rips,  produces  quips 

Which  no  one  understands ; 
She  has,  as  all  her  friends  admit, 

A  useful  pair  of  hands. 


Her  teeth  remind  observant  folk 
Rather  of  gold  than  pearls  ; 

Her  hair  is  sound  and  hedged  around 
With  artificial  curls ; 

Her  eyes  (a  greyish-greenish-brown) 
Are  much  as  other  girls'. 

Her  singing  voice  is  strong  and  large, 
She  has  a  powerful  throat ; 

Her  hats  suggest  the  cheaply  dressed, 
Her  boots  suggest  the  vote  ; 

And  she  is  undefeated  by 
The  longest  table  d'hdte. 

Her  waist  is  of  the  size  that  most 

Suggests  security ; 
Her  competence  is  not  immense  ; 

Her  age  is  forty-three ; 
I  cannot  say  what  makes  me  think 

She  is  the  girl  for  me. 


From  the  Secretary  of  the  Victoria 
and  Albert  Museum : 

"Sir, — I  am  directed  to  acknowledge  the 
receipt  of  your  letter  received  yesterday  which 
will  receive  attention." 

This   is   one    of    those    letters   which 
cannot  be  dictated  off-hand,  demanding 
as  they  do  the  leisure  of  the  study  for 
i  their  composition. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    18,    1911. 


WHEN  WE  ALL  HAD  A  THOUSAND  A  YEAR  1 

I  CAN'T  say  for -certain,  but  I  suppose  the  sportsman  who 
happened  to  be  Prime  Minister  at  the  time  must  have  been 
a  bit  on  the  Socialist  side.  Anyhow,  lie  'cl  brought  in  a 
Bill  for  providing  every  grown-up  male  and  female  with  a 
thousand  a  year  for  life.  If  anyone  had  more  than  that 
already,  the  State  would  collar  the  surplus — but  nobody 
was  to  have  less. 

Which  was  fair  enough  all  round.  For,  as  ho  put  it,  a 
thousand  a  year  was  as  much  as  the  richest  required  for  all 
but  purely  artificial  luxuries,  while  on  such  an  income  the 
poorest  would  be  enabled  to  lead  a  cultured  existence  in 
hygienic  surroundings. 

Where  all  these  incomes  were  to  come  from  I  have 
forgotten  now,  but  I  know  that  the  financial  side  of  the 
scheme,  as  lie  explained  it,  was  as  simple  as  shelling  peas. 
But  of  course  the  Nation  had  to  be  consulted  first,  and  so 
the  Bill  was  referred  to  a  Poll  of  the  People.  The  People 
seemed  quite  to  take  to  the  idea — the  Bill  was  passed  by  an 
overwhelming  majority  amidst  the  wildest  enthusiasm. 
Possibly  the  fact  that  the  number  of  voters  with  an 
income  approaching  a  thousand  a  year  was  comparatively 
insignificant  helped  to  make  it  popular.  I  myself  was  a 
clerk  in  one  of  the  Government  offices,  and  my  own  income, 
from  all  sources,  just  reached  six  hundred.  But,  although 
a  bachelor  and  with  no  very  expensive  tastes,  I  found  I 
generally  exceeded  it.  An  extra  four  hundred  a  year  would 
leave  me  quite  a  comfortable  margin.  So  of  course  I  voted 
for  the  Bill. 

As  soon  as  it  became  Law  my  first  step  was  to  send  in  my 
resignation  to  my  Chief.  I  didn't  see  any  sense  in  going  on 
drudging  from  ten  to  five  when  I  should  be  getting  more 
than  three  times  my  salary  for  doing  nothing.  And  a  lot 
of  other  fellows  felt  the  same.  All  the  shopkeepers,  for 
instance,  retired  promptly.  What  with  Competition  and 
Bad  Seasons  and  incessant  General  Elections,  they  said,  it 
had  been  as  much  as  they  could  do  to  make  anything  like 
a  thousand  a  year.  Now  that  that  income  was  assured  to 
them  under  any  circumstances,  it  simply  wasn't  good 
enough  to  remain  in  business,  especially  if  the  profits 
were  to  go  to  the  State !  The  streets  were  an  extra- 
ordinary sight,  with  every  tradesman  in  such  a  hurry  to 
clear  that  he  was  positively  forcing  his  stock  on  anyone 
whom  he  could  get  to  carry  it  away  for  nothing.  I 
remember  that,  in  the  course  of  a  short  stroll  through 
some  of  our  chief  thoroughfares,  I  found  myself  burdened 
with  a  patent  carpet-cleaner,  an  earthenware  filter,  a  cut 
crystal  chandelier,  a  calf's  head,  and  a  tray  of  glass  eyes, 
none  of  which  I  really  required,  but  the  people  were 
so  pressing  that  it  would  have  been  downright  rude  to 
refuse. 

Most  of  these  articles  I  managed  to  shed  as  I  went 
along,  but  I  was  not  allowed  to  return  empty-handed. 
There  must  have  been  some  which  I  hadn't  the  moral 
courage  to  deposit  on  anyone's  doorstep,  or  I  could 
hardly  bave  arrived  at  my  rooms  with  a  hair-dresser's 
dummy  under  one  arm  and  a  large  gilded  cow  from 
a  model  dairy  under  the  other.  And  when  I  got  in 
I  had  an  unpleasant  surprise.  My  landlady  informed  me 
that  she  would  be  obliged  by  my  finding  other  rooms  as 
soon  as  possible.  "The  girl,"  whose  father  had  been 
employed  as  a  road-sweeper  by  a  District  Council,  had 
departed  to  live  at  home  in  ease  and  affluence,  and  Mrs. 
Simcox  did  not  feel  equal  to  cooking  for  and  waiting  on  me 
single-handed.  Besides,  as  her  husband's  and  son's  joint 
incomes  would,  with  her  own,  now  amount  to  three 
thousand  a  year,  it  was  clearly  beneath  their  dignity  to  let 
lodgings. 


I  tried  to  get  rooms  elsewhere,  but  without  success. 
I  couldn't  see  a  single  fanlight  that  exhibited  a  placard 
with  "  Apartments."  I  suppose  it  was  only  what  I 
might  have  expected.  But  what  I  own  I  hadn't  been 
prepared  for  was  the  unanimity  with  which  all  classes 
were  giving  up  their  previous  occupations.  Even  profes- 
sional criminals  decided  that  honesty  on  a  thousand  a  year 
was  infinitely  preferable  to  small  and  precarious  gains  with 
the  risk  of  imprisonment.  And  a  good  thing  they  did,  too, 
because  every  constable  in  the  force  had  chucked  his  job 
already.  But  so  had  the  Eailway  Servants,  and  the  Post- 
men, and,  in  short,  all  the  sort  of  people  one  had  come  to 
depend  on.  It  was  most  inconvenient  to  the  Public,  of 
course,  and  beastly  selfish  and  inconsiderate  into  the 
bargain — but  there  was  no  arguing  with  the  beggars! 
They'd  only  worked  because  they  were  obliged  to,  they 
said ;  now  they  were  independent,  and  would  see  the 
Public  blowed  before  they  'd  do  another  stroke  ! 

Still,  we  might  have  got  along  without  them,  somehow. 
What  really  upset  us  was  the  discovery  that  all  the 
Butchers  and  Bakers  and  Provision  Dealers  generally  had 
closed  their  shutters  and  set  up  as  country  gentlemen  in 
suburban  villas,  as  they  could  now  well  afford  to  do.  As 
we  had  to  have  food,  the  Prime  Minister  ordered  them  all 
to  come  back  at  once  and  sell  it  to  us.  This  they  politely 
declined  to  do,  unless  they  were  permitted  to  pocket  all  the 
profits  on  their  trading.  Which,  of  course,  would  have 
knocked  the  bottom  out  of  the  Prime  Minister's  financial 
arrangements,  so  he  wouldn't  and  couldn't  give  way  on 
the  pomt.  At  least,  not  until  there  were  riots  and  some 
pressure  was  put  on  him ;  then  he  explained  that  the  Govern- 
ment had  never  intended  to  discourage  individual  enter- 
prise. So  in  a  very  short  time  business  was  going  on 
as  briskly  as  ever.  Only,  somehow  or  other,  everything 
seemed  to  cost  ever  so  much  more  than  it  used  to.  It  is 
true  that  wages  were  higher — a  fellow  who  has  a  thousand 
a  year  already  has  to  be  paid  pretty  handsomely  before  he  '11 
take  on  any  job — but  I  fancy  prices  must  have  gone  up 
higher  still.  Whether  the  Government  had  got  into  arrears 
with  the  incomes,  or  whether  even  a  thousand  a  year  was 
no  longer  enough  for  the  barest  necessaries  is  more  than  I 
can  tell  you.  All  I  do  know  is  that  things  had  come  to 
such  a  pass  with  me  that  I  was  just  in  the  act  of  debating 
with  myself  whether  I  should  go  into  the  Workhouse  or  try 
to  get  taken  on  at  the  Docks  as  a  "casual"  for  a  paltry 
guinea  an  hour,  when — well,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  I  woke 
up.  ... 

It  had  only  been  a  dream,  and  I  daresay  no  more  sensible 
than  my  dreams  ever  are.  Even  when  I  'm  awake  my 
Political  Economy  is  a  trifle  weak— when  I  'm  asleep  I 
expect  it 's  absolutely  rotten !  As  likely  as  not  a  Bill  for 
giving  everyone  a  thousand  a  year  would  work  out  quite 
differently.  It  might  be  a  brilliant  success.  I  mean,  you 
must  wait  till  it  has  actually  been  tried.  And  we  mayn't 
have  to  wait  so  very  long  either.  F.  A. 


"  The  eagle-owl  now  prcse'ved  in  (he  Natural  History  Department  of 
the  British  Museum  is  a  case  in  point.  This  particular  bird,  according 
to  a  naturalist  writing  lately  in  the  Scotsman,  had  spent  no  less  than 
seventy-two  years  of  his  life  in  captivity.  If  this  is  true,  then  I  may 
fittingly  conclude  this  article  by  wishing  an  owl's  life  to  my  readers.  "- 
Country  Life. 

Always  happy — never  at  a  loss ! 


'•The  observer  should    be   facing   the  not  them  horizon  at   about 
eight  p.m.,  with  the  cast  on  his  right  and  the  west  on  his  left." 

Xemattle  Daily  Chronicle. 

Even  then  he  will  be  all  wrong  unless  he  gets  the  south 
firmly  behind  him. 


JANUARY  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


53 


UNAPPRECIATED    TALENT. 

Sportsman  (wUlwut  ciMuriasm,  notching  recent  purchase).  "BRILLIANT  HUNTER,  FAST,  JUMP  ANYTHING,  STAY  FOR  EVER." 


SNAPSHOT  LITERATURE. 

SPEAKING  on  the  importance  of 
economising  odd  moments  of  time, 
Mr.  W.  E.  HARVEY,  M.P.  for  Roch- 
dale, the  other  day  stated  that  he  had 
read  nearly  the  whole  of  Shakspeare 
whilst  shaving  and  putting  on  his  collar. 
Earnest  frequenters  of  Paternoster  Row 
and  other  students  of  English  litera- 
ture will  accordingly  be  gratified  to 
learn  that  the  idea  is  being  developed  for 
their  benefit.  We  are  promised,  during 
the  forthcoming  publishing  season,  a 
"Dressing-table  Gibbon"  in  6,500  half- 
page  leaflets,  crown  octavo,  long  primer 
type,  printed  only  on  one  side  and  tied 
together  by  the  top  left-hand  corner, 
so  as  to  be  hung  on  the  corner  of  the 
looking-glass.  The  operator,  therefore, 
will  not  need  to  squint  very  badly 
while  directing  his  razor  with  one  eye 
and  improving  bis  classical  knowledge 
witli  the  other.  This  edition  should 
last  him  nearly  eighteen  years,  using  a 
leaflet  each  day. 

\\ 'c  hear  also  of  the  "  Wash-stand 
Waverley  Novels,"  divided  into  10,958 
sections  on  celluloid  tablets,  impervious 


to  soapsuds  and  not  liable  to  damage 
by  water.  This  is  calculated  to  supply 
the  studious  time  -  economiser  with 
masterpiece  -  instalments  for  thirty 
years  exactly  (counting  leap  -  years), 
while  he  is,  or  should  be,  busy  at  the 
same  time  with  bis  ablutions  and  teeth- 
cleaning. 

Another  highly  improving  produc- 
tion is  the  "Goat-rack  Milton,"  to  be 
issued  with  a  single  line  on  each  page, 
and  capable  of  being  fastened  upright 
on  the  wall  of  a  vestibule  or  front  hall. 
The  diligent  bank-clerk  or  the  intel- 
lectual shop-walker,  it  is  estimated, 
will  just  have  time  to  master  a  single 
line  of  Paradise  Lost  as  he  seizes  his 
hat  and  dives  into  his  great-coat  pre- 
vious to  rushing  forth  to  catch  the  train. 
A  line  a  day  will  see  his  lifetime  out. 

"The  Tube-lift  Tennyson  Poster" 
offers  culture  to  those  soaring  (or  de- 
scending) souls  who  would  otherwise 
be  wasting  the  daily  ten  seconds  of 
their  journey  up  from,  or  down  to,  the 
depths  of  the  earth.  There  is  also  the 
"  Strip-Kipling  Ticket,"  providing  six 
verses,  one  for  each  secular  day  of  the 
week. 


TO  A  TERRIER. 

CRIB,  on  your  grave,  beneath  the  chest- 
nut boughs 

To-day  no  fragance  falls  nor  summer  air, 

Only  a  master's  love  who  laid  you 
there  j 

Perchance  may  warm  tbe  earth  'neath1 
which  you  drowse 

In  dreams  from  which  no  dinner  gong, 
may  rouse, 

Unwakeable,  though  close  the  rat  may: 
dare, 

Deaf,  though  the  rabbit  thump  in  play- 
ful scare, 

Silent,  though  twenty  tabbies  pay  their 
vows. 

And    yet   mayhap,   some  night  when 

shadows  pass, 
And  from  the  fir  the  brown  owl  hoots 

on  high, 
That    should    one    whistle    'neath    a 

favouring  star 
Your  small  white  shade  shall  patter  o'er 

the  grass, 
Questing  for  him  you  loved  o'  days  gone 

by, 

Ere  Death  the  Dog-Thief  carried  you 
afar ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY   18,   1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

GOLDWIN  SMITH,  \\-hoselteininiscences  (MACMILLAN)  have 
been  skilfully  edited  by  Mr.  ARNOLD  HAULTAIN,  was  a 
Superior  Person,  even  to  a  fuller  extent  than  HORSMAN 
reached,  or  a  more  modern  instance  has  attained.  Looking 
around  him,  commentating  on  men  and  matters,  he  found 
little  that  was  good.  His  memory  of  the  Duke  of  WEL- 
LINGTON is  limited  to  the  veteran's  appearance  in  connec- 
tion with  the  Oxford  Commission  appointed  by  Lord  JOHN 
RUSSELL,  when  "  he  seemed  to  proclaim  his  inauguration 
by  making  false  quantities  in  reading  his  Latin  speech  and 
wearing  his  Academical  cap  wrong  side  before."  LOWELL 
he  dismisses  in  a  word.  Of  EMERSON  he  writes:  "  I  heard 
him  read  his  own  poetry  aloud,  but  it  remained  as  obscure 
to  me  as  before."  I  note  these  characteristics  without 
prejudice,  rather  in  despite  of 
grateful  acknowledgment  of  rare 
personal  compliment.  GOLDWIN 
SMITH  quotes  with  approval  two 
little  japes,  long  since  passed 
into  currency,  which,  in  the 
exuberance  of  youth,  I  fastened, 
one  upon  DISRAELI,  the  other 
upon  EGBERT  LOWE.  With 
many  other  authorities  he 
accepts  as  a  matter-of-fact  a 
parentage  of  which  those  emi- 
nent persons  were  innocent. 
He  is  at  his  best  in  his  early 
reminiscences,  where  the  intel- 
lectual austerity  of  the  man  is 
mellowed  by  the  memories  of 
boyhood.  Other  interesting 
passages  are  found  in  the 
chapter  devoted  to  the  American 
Civil  War.  Outside  academic 
circles  GOLDWIN  SMITH  is  per- 
haps best  known  as  "  the 
Oxford  Professor"  introduced 
by  DISRAELI  into  Lothair  as  "  a 
social  parasite."  This  gratuitous 
attack  deeply  wounded  GOLDWIN 
SMITH.  "  Your  expressions,"  he 
wrote  to  DISKAELI,  "  can  touch 
no  man's  honour.  They  are 


THIS  is  MR.  TOOTING  BECK,  AND  HE  HAS  KOT  GOT  A  COLD. 

HE    HAS    JUST  BOUGHT  A  PEDALLO    PlANO-Pl-AYER,    AND     HA* 

HEAD    IN    THE  PAPER    THAT     PADEREWSKI,     BEFORE    PLAYING, 

IMMERSES     HIS  HANDS  IN   HOT  WATER  IN  ORDER  TO  MAKE  HIS 

FINGERS   MORE  NERVOUSLY   SENSITIVE. 


the  stingless  insults  of  a  coward."  All  the  same  the 
sting  remained  to  the  end.  In  his  Reminiscences  he  finds 
it  as  difficult  to  keep  out  reference  to  his  old  enemy  as  did 
Mr.  Dick  to  avoid  allusion  to  the  head  of  KING  CHARLES 
THE  FIRST  when  drafting  his  memorial.  In  spite  of, 
perhaps  because  of,  certain  foibles  on  the  part  of  the 
diarist  the  book  is  full  of  interest. 


Heretics  (and  even  infidels)  may  gather  some  faint  gleams 
of  encouragement  from  Father  BENSON'S  latest  book ;  for, 
though  the  heroine  of  None  Other  Gods  (HUTCHINSON),  if 
indeed  I  may  call  her  by  so  nattering  a  name,  jilted  her 
fiance  with  a  shamelessness  only  to  be  expected  from  a 
girl  brought  up  in  the  Protestant  faith,  there  is  a  Cam- 
bridge friend  of  the  hero's  (of  no  very  definite  religious 
views)  who  is  really  quite  a  decent  fellow;  there  is  an 
atheistic  doctor  in  Yorkshire  whose  devotion  to  toxins  is 
recognised  as  not  wholly  discreditable,  and  a  young  clergy- 
man down  at  the  Eton  Mission  who  seems  to  be  doing  his 
best  according  to  his  very  inferior  lights.  None  Other  Gods 
is  the  story  of  an  undergraduate  who  suddenly  feels  that 


he  has  a  "call,"  and  leaving  his  university  in  the  guise  of 
a  tramp  enters  upon  an  Odyssey  of  complete  worldly  failure 
and  spiritual  triumph.  In  case  I  have  seemed  somewhat 
querulous  I  had  better  state  that  the  author  held  my 
interest  chained  from  beginning  to  end,  and  that,  although 
the  book  is  in  certain  ways  carelessly  written,  and  I  was 
always  a  little  sceptical  about  the  necessity  for  Frank 
Guiseley's  complete  renunciation  of  his  normal  destiny, 
there  is  no  doubt  that  Father  BENSON  has  a  peculiarly 
vivid  power  of  pictorial  presentment ;  and  I  am  glad  that 
he  admits  (at  least  in  the  case  of  the  Yorkshire  doctor)  the 
possibility  of  earnest  devotion  outside  the  pale  of  his  own 
Church  ;  otherwise  I  should  have  challenged  him  to  impute 
Laodicean  tendencies  to  a  Grand  Lama,  let  us  say,  or  a 
howling  Dervish  in  his  next  novel. 

Some  time  back,  I  put  Miss  SHEILA  KAYE-SMITH  in  a 
place  very  high  up  on  my  list  of.  women  who  write  good 

novels,  and  her  latest  story, 
Spell  Land  (BELL  AND  SONS), 
contains  nothing  to  make  me 
change  this  opinion.  Indeed 
it  has  so  far  strengthened  it 
that,  if  I  were  to  state  exactly 
the  position  which  I  believe 
this  author  will  take  among 
the  great  masters  of  English 
fiction,  you  might  accuse  me 
of  exaggeration.  Not,  how- 
ever, that  I  would  have  you  sup- 
pose her  books  are  pleasant  to 
read.  Far  from  it.  Personally, 
they  produce  upon  me  the  most 
uncomfortable  effect ;  and  in 
this  regard  Spell  Land  was,  if 
anything,  worse  than  its  pre- 
decessors. Like  them,  it  left 
me  mentally  bruised  from  con- 
tact with  its  sombre  and  master- 
ful strength.  Spell  Land  "is 
the  name  of  the  Sussex  farm 
where  lived  the  three  Shepherd 
brothers,  yeomen,  of  whom 
Claude,  the  youngest,  is  the 
protagonist  of  the  tale.  It 
tells  of  his  upbringing,  of  his 
relations  with  Emily,  whom  he 
loves,  and  Oliver,  his  rival ;  and 


of  the  ruinous  end  in  which  this  love  overwhelms  them. 
The  truth  of  it  all  is  wonderful.  At  least,  this  is  always 
my  own  feeling  for  Miss  KAYE-SMITH'S  work.  Never  for 
one  moment  does  one  feel  that  the  persons  of  whom  she 
writes  are  characters  in  a  story ;  all  of  them  are  tremen- 
dously, even  a  little  frighteningly,  alive.  It  is  this  which 
produces  that  impression  of  solidity  in  her  telling  of  the 
simplest  episodes.  If  only  sometimes  she  would  laugh  a 
little.  After  all,  one  laughs  quite  often  in  real  life;  and 
the  fact  that  it  takes  no  count  of  this  seems  to  me  the 
one  flaw  in  work  of  extraordinary  quality. 


eacli 


The  Great  Squinters'  Strike. 

"The   three   men   laughed;    then  stopped  suddenly  as  the  eyes  of 
ch  met  those  of  the  other  across  the  table."— "Daily  Mail"  Fcuilleton. 

Fashionable    Intelligence. 
"The  Shields  district  was  to-day  visited  by  a  buzzard."—  The  Globe. 

"The  brigade  was  called  and  distinguished  the  flames. "—Evening 
rimu. 

It  is  something  to  recognize  the  fire  when  you  see  it. 


JANUARY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


NICETIES    OF    CASTE. 

Mrs.  O/ikins,  of  Brixton  (sensitive  about  the  dignity  of  the  Dress  Circle).   "WE'VE  COT  LAMBETH  BE'IND  us,  I  SHOULD  THIKK." 


TO   A  VANISHED   VILLAIN. 

["  Wo  don't  have  villains  now — not  in  a  serial  story  (Laughttr)."- 
From  the  evidence  of  a  lady  story-writer  in  a  recent  law-suit.] 

Is  nothing  here  for  tears  ?     Shall  none  be  dropped 
For  one  on  whose  career  is  written  "  Fuit," 

Who,  in  our  homely  mother-tongue,  has  "  popped  "  ? 
Yes,  I  myself  will  do  it. 

I  mourn  you  as  I  never  did  lament 

Your  colleagues  whom  the  hand  of  Death  has  beckoned- 
The  goatee-bearded  Transatlantic  gent 

Who  always  "  guessed  "  and  "  reckoned ; " 

The  penniless  hero,  wrongfully  accused 

Of  murdering  a  Hebrew  moneylender 
(Being,  of  course,  conveniently  confused 

With  you,  the  real  offender) ;     • 

The  aged  Peer,  immaculately  bred, 

Who  made  his  daughter's  spirits  sink  to  zero 

When  he  declared  he  'd  rather  see  her  dead 
Than  married  to  the  hero  ; 

The  heroine,  whose  heart  was  torn  in  two 
Between  the  claims  of  love  and  filial  duty  ; — 

These  I  could  spare ;  but,  when  it  comes  to  you, 
I  murmur,  "  Et  tit,  Brute  ?  " 

For  they,  proceeding  in  their  well-worn  groove, 
Could  give  me  not  the  slightest  titillation  ; 

VOL.  CXI.. 


It  bored  me  hugely  when  their  every  move 
Came  up  to  expectation. 

But  you  would  baffle  all  along  the  line ; 

You  were  the  mystery ;  and  what  it  all  meant 
Each  day  we  were  unable  to  divine 

Until  the  next  instalment. 

Now  you  would  strike  your  fellows  pink  and  dumb 

By  throwing  out  some  awful  innuendo  ; 
Now  'twas  a  bomb ;  with  you  there,  thhigs  would  hum 

In  one  prolonged  crescendo. 

Oh,  that  "sardonic  smile,"  that  "livid  glance," 

That  "  snarl  of  hate,"  that  "  neatly  waxed  imperial !  " 

Yours  was  the  very  spirit  of  romance — 
In  fact,  you  were  the  serial. 

Well,  now  that  you  are  dead,  and  I  bereaved, 
I  care  not  who  usurps  your  place  hereafter  .  .  . 

But  I  could  wish  the  news  had  been  received 
Without  that  ribald  "  (Laiighter)." 


"A  reservoir  holding  eighty  thousand  gallons  of  water  was  created. 
It  was  144  miles  ill  length — long  enough  to  stretch  from  London  to 
Nottingham,  and  still  leave  enough  water  over  to  make  a  second 
Windernierc. " — Keeninj  A'eics. 

The  w%ter  must  have  got  very  .thin  by  about  the  130th  mile. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1911. 


ANSWERS  TO   CORRESPONDENTS. 

"  MILKY  WAY." — By  the  Military 
Secrets  Act  it  is  forbidden  to  shoot 
cows  with  a  kodak  on  the  Island  of 
Guernsey,  but  you  are  at  perfect 
liberty  to  pot  lobsters  on  Sark. 

"  HEDONIST." — We  regret  extremely 
that  we  are  not  in  a  position  to  answer 
The  Daily  Chronicle's  poignant  ques- 
tion, "  Can  any  one  give  the  address  of 
the  place  where  you  get  mignonette 
sauce  for  oysters  ?  "  But  orchids  can 
be  got  anywhere,  and  we  always  wear 
one  of  these  simple  flowers  in  our  hair 
when  eating  the  best  Natives. 

"  PATRIOT." — We  sympathise  with 
your  disapproval  of  Esperanto.  If,  as 
Bishop  WELLDON  anticipates,  English 
is  to  be  the  universal  language,  then  it  is 
the  first  duty  of  every  true  Englishman 
to  help  forward  that  great  consumma- 
tion by  speaking  nothing  but  his  native 
tongue.  Every  French  word  you  speak 
in  France,  every  German  word  you 
speak  in  Germany,  helps  to  retard  the 
forward  movement  and  undo  the  splen- 
did work  achieved  by  centuries  of  de- 
voted insularity. 

"  HISTOHICUS." — Mr.  Punch's  little 
joke,"  Advice  to  persons  about  to  marry : 
Don't,"  was  not  lifted  from  CHARLES 
EEADE.  It  appeared  in  Punch  in  1845, 
fourteen  years  before  CHARLES  EEADE 
reproduced  it  in  his  French  play. 
When  the  historical  critic  wants  to 
determine  which  of  two  events  fol- 
lowed the  other,  it  is  always  a  good 
plan  to  ascertain  their  respective  dates. 
One  date  is  never  really  quite  enough. 
That  was  the  trouble  with  the  gentle- 
man in  The  Academy  who  said  he  was 
certain  that  Punch  plagiarised  from 
CHARLES  EEADE. 

"DISTRICT  PASSENGER." — We  have 
answered  your  complaint  berore.  On 
its  platforms  the  District  Eailway  pro- 
vides you  with  nougat  shops  and 
tobacco  emporia ;  you  can't  expect  them 
to  supply  time-tables  too ! 

"  MIDDLE  EAST." — You  are  right  in 
supposing  that  Taurus,  the  name  of 
the  mountain  range  which  is  likely  to 
prove  the  only  real  obstacle  to  the 
German  Baghdad  Eailway,  is  the  Latin 
for  Bull.  But  it  has  no  connection 
with  John  Bull.  That 's  the  annoying 
thing. 

"DoM  MIGUELITE." — We  are  not  a 
bookie,  and  we  cannot  say  how  far  the 
odds  against  the  Portuguese  Pretender 
have  increased  since  his  published 
interview  with  The  Daily  Mail.  Have 
you  tried  Lloyds  ? 

"  A  LOVER  OF  HOSPITALITY." — We 
understand  you  to  say  that,  owing  to  a 
favourable  testimonial  from  a  member 
of  the  present  Government,  you  were 
acquitted  when  last  charged  with 


burglary,  and  you  ask  whether  an 
action  for  damages  would  lie  against 
this  Minister  on  the  ground  that  he 
had  caused  you  to  be  deprived  of  the 
State's  hospitality  to  which  you  had 
grown  accustomed.  This  is  a  question 
for  counsel,  but  we  warn  you  againsl 
forming  too  sanguine  a  deduction  from 
the  result  of  the  recent  Society  slandei 
case.  In  regard  to  the  second  part  ol 
your  letter,  you  may  absolutely  trust  to 
our  discretion,  just  the  same  as  if  you 
had  reposed  your  confidence  in  the  ear 
of  Lord  SPENCER. 

"BRITON." — Yes,  you're  all  right. 
Another  First  Sea  Lord  has  spoken, 
and  the  "  Navy  Scare  "  has  once  more 
been  "  Exploded  "  (see  Eadical  Press). 
So  you  can  go  to  sleep  again.  O.  S. 


POSTAL    INTELLIGENCE. 

THOMAS  has  been  trying  for  about  a 
week  to  post  an  important  letter  for 
his  stay-at-home  mother.  Every  morn- 
ing she  begs  him  to  remember  not  to 
forget  it,  and  every  evening  he  con- 
fesses with  tears  in  his  eyes  that  he 
has  forgotten  to  remember  it.  On 
Saturday  morning  she  talked  to  him 
seriously  about  it,  and  he  promised 
that,  if  he  could  guarantee  nothing, 
all  that  human  skill  and  determination 
could  do  should  be  done.  Accordingly 
I  was  called  in  to  help. 

•::-  -::-  -"-  *  x 

In .  the  late  afternoon  we  found  our- 
selves, quite  by  chance,  in  one  of  our 
leading  post-offices.  "They  tell  me," 
said  I,  "  that  there  is  a  miniature  of 
the  late  King  here  which  is  well 
worth  seeing."  So  we  approached  the 
counter,  and  were  greeted  with  that 
old-world  courtesy  which  one  only 
finds  in  the  busier  post-offices. 

"  How  d'you  do  ?  "  said  Thomas  to 
the  lady  behind  the  counter. 

"Nicely,  thank  you,"  she  answered. 

"  Much  doing  in  the  postal  order 
trade?" 

"  No-o,"   she   drawled,   leaning    her 
arms    on    the     counter     and     gazing 
space.      "  People    have 


dreamily   into 

not  much  money  nowadays,  or  if  they 
have  they  don't  send  it  to  their  rela- 
tives. However,  we  must  not  get  de- 
pressed, for  the  post-cards  are  still 
stout.  But  I  beg  your  pardon ;  I  dare- 
say you  want  to  buy  something.  I 
must  not  keep  you  here  talking.  What 
can  I  show  you  ?  " 

"  Have  you  any  stamps  ?  "  said  I. 

"Stamps?  We  have  them  in  stock 
size,  or  we  can,  if  you  insist,  make 
them  to  measure.  About  what  price 
did  you  want  to  give  ?  " 

"  Money  is  no  object,"  declared 
Thomas ;  "ft  is  a  question  of  colour. 


I  want  something  that  will  not  clash 
with  this  envelope." 

The  letter  was  produced. 

"  I  suggest,  if  I  may,"  and  she  smiled 
with  deference  at  us,  "that  nothing 
goes  so  well  with  white  as  a  nice  shade 
of  pink.  We  have  just  the  thing  you 
want."  She  produced  a  book  and 
opened  it  at  the  pink  page. 

"  Very  nice  indeed,"  said  Thomas 
politely,  "  but  these  are  just  a  wee  bit 
common,  are  they  not?  What  about 
the  rarer  tints?  " 

Begging  the  lady's  pardon,  he  leant 
across  the  counter  and  turned  over  the 
pages  of  the  book. 

"  Ah  1 "  he  exclaimed  with  sudden 
rapture,  "  this  chocolate  and  blue  is 
the  very  thing  !  Striking  and  original ; 
bold  and  very  nearly  outre.  We  will 
take  one  of  those." 

She  protested  that  the  price  was  no 
less  than  ninepence,  but,  as  Thomas 
explained,  ninepence  is  only  ninepence, 
and  we  did  not  object  to  the  letter 
going  nine  times  as  fast. 

"  Shall  we  send  it  down  for  you  ?  " 
she  asked,  tearing  one  out  and  preparing 
to  wrap  it  up. 

"  No  thanks,  I  think  I  will  post  it," 
said  Thomas,  licking  its  back. 

"  It  is  a  fast  colour,"  she  added, 
"  and  is  guaranteed  not  to  shrink  in 
the  wash.  Good  day." 


Had 

then 


we 
we 
success   in 


might 
our 


taken  her  hint  and  gone 
have  met  with  more 
original  venture,  but 
Thomas  declared  that  it  was  only  polite 
to  stay  and  chat  a  little.  When  at  last 
we  made  our  way  to  Thomas's  home, 
his  mother  greeted  us  with  a  question 
which,  he  says,  is  becoming  rather 
liackneyed. 

"  Did  you  post  my  letter?  " 
Thomas    felt    automatically   in   his 
pocket     and     produced    the    familiar 
envelope. 

Not  quite,"  he  said.  "  But,"  he 
added  with  pride,  "  we  very  nearly 
did." 


"Dr.  Lawrence,  M.A.,  D.C.L.,  will  give  12 
eetures  on   'The  Making  of  Modern  England 
on     Friday    evening.'" — Devon     and    Exeter 
<azet'.e. 

The  superstitious  will  say  that  this 
accounts  for  the  motor-omnibus  and 
;he  hobble-skirt. 


From  a  catalogue  of  conjuring 
tricks : — 

"Two  green  handkerchiefs  aio  tied  together 
>y  the  corners,  the  conjuror  simply  strokes 
-liem  with  his  empty  hand/  when  they  are  seen 
to  change  to  green.  Anyone  can  do  it." 

We  seldom  believe  these  statements 
about  the  easiness  of  a  trick,  but  we 
do  this  time. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  2/5,  1911. 


THE  NEW  HAKOUN  AL  EASCHID. 

A  DREAM  OF  BAGHDAD,  MADE  IN  GERMANY. 


JANUAIIY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


59 


L~on-Keeper.  " '  WOT  'UD  'APPEN  IF  THEY  WAS  TO  GET  LOOSE?'  WHY,  I'D  GET  THE  SACK  SHAKP!" 


TO  ONE  IN  SORROW. 
(A  TRAGEDY  OF  MY  EVENING  PAPER.) 

WITH  what  I  can  of  tears  and  token 

Of  sympathetic  rue, 
I  take  the  lyre,  O  poor  heart-broken 

Scribe  of  the  Fleet,  for  you ; 
Vainly  in  hours  like  these  mere  words  are  spoken, 

But  let  me  whimper — do. 

For  this  :  that  halfway  down  that  column 

Of  "  fashionable  "  pars 
Wherein  you  paint  the  rich,  extol  'em, 

And  talk  about  their  cars 
(Giving  to  Brown  and  Smith  a  sense  of  solemn 

Communion  with  the  stars), 

I  found  this  awful  item  (darker 

Grew  every  face  when  told  ; 
One  strong  stern  man,  a  billiard-marker, 

Refused  to  be  consoled) : 
That  you  were  "  grieved  to  hear  that  Lady  Larker 

Had  somehow  caught  a  cold." 

All  round,  upon  the  hard  macadam 

There  poured  a  ton  of  rain  ; 
Though  1  was  sure,  dear  Sir  (or  Madam), 

Despite  your  dolorous  vein 
You  did  not  know  the  invalid  from  Adam, 

I  wept  and  weep  again. 

But.  still,  if  Lady  Larker  muffles 
Her  neck  up  pretty  tight, 


And  gets  no  end  of  game  and  truffles, 

Perhaps  some  future  night 
"  The  patient"  (we  shall  hear)  "has  ceased  her  snuffles; 

The  land  once  more  is  bright."  EVOE. 

HOW  TO  LIVE  FOB  EVER. 

THE  AUTHORS'  REPUTATION  INSURANCE  COMPANY,  LTD. 

AUTHORS  who  are  apprehensive  that  in  the  course  of  one 
short  year  the  work  on  which  they  have  spent  untold  effort 
will  be  forgotten  are  advised  to  communicate  with  the  above. 

The  Company  guarantees  not  only  that  your  name  will 
be  known  and  mentioned  next  year,  they  undertake  that  it 
shall  be  on  men's  lips  as  long  as  there  are  lips  on  men. 

How,  you  naturally  ask,  does  this  wonderful  agency 
effect  the  boon  it  offers  ?  LISTEN  !  !  ! 

On  payment  of  a  small  capital  sum  (£100  only)  the 
client  makes  certain  of  the  following  services  : — 

(1)  For  one  whole  week,  every  year,  upon  our  own  special 
hoardings  scattered  throughout  London  and  the  provinces 
we  post  your  portrait  with  the  inscription  beneath  it : — 

Do  You  KNOW  THIS  MAN? 

(2)  Once  a  year,  in  some  paper  published  in  London  or, 
if  you  are  an  eminent  provincial,  in  your  own  locality,  we 
make  you  the  subject  of  a  biographical  sketch,  under  the 
heading : — "  NAMES  WE  WOULD  NOT  WILLINGLY  LET  DIE." 

(3)  We  erect  a  bust  of  you  in  our  own  freehold  Pantheon 
(or  Valhalla)  overlooking  populous  thoroughfare,  admission 
6d.,  free  to  genuine  students  Wednesdays. 

(4)  We  decorate  your  bust  on  the  anniversary  of  your 
birthday  with  a  laurel  wreath  or  forget-me-nots,  according 
to  your  taste. 

FAME  AWAITS  You !    WHITE  TO-DAY. 


GO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1911. 


WAS    CLEMENT    SHORTER 
EVER  IN  ST.  HELENA? 

(Fr<i<n.  "  The  Daily  Chronicle"  c/2011.) 

THE  mystery  long  attaching  to  a 
certaiu  event  in  the  life  of  the  famous 
litterateur  and  editor  has  been,  if  any- 
thing, deepened  by  an  interview  with 
Mr.  Pieter  Van  Houten  Cronj6,  the 
descendant  of  the  famous  Boer  General. 
Mr.  Cronj6,  who  is  an  absolute  image 
of  his  illustrious  forbear,  save  that  he 
is  so  peaceable  by  nature  as  to  be  not 
only  a  vegetarian  out  to  refuse  to  play 
bagatelle  with  anything  but  composi- 
tion balls  (on  account  of  the  pain  given 
him  by  the  thought  of  the  elephant  in 
the  dentist's  chair),  now  lives  in  hushed 
retirement  on  Balham  Common,  where 
he  was  yesterday  visited  by  one  of  the 
representatives  of  The  Daily  Chronicle. 

"  Why  I  sent  for  you,"  he  said,  "  is 
because,  on  going  through  my  ancestor's 
papers  the  other  day,  I  found 
a  letter  with  some  bearing 
on  the  great  controversy. 
Writing  from  St.  Helena 
during  the  Boer  War,  while 
a  prisoner  there,  my  great- 
grandfather says,  '  We  are 
all  well,  but  very  tired  of 
our  captivity.  But  it  will  be 
better  soon,  as  then  [here  a 
tear  in  the  paper]  shorter.' 

"  That  tear,"  said  Mr. 
Cronje,  showing  me  the 
paper  yellow  with  age, 
"comes  at  a  very  critical 
point.  The  sentence  might 
read  thus  :  '  But  it  will  be 
better  soon  as  the  nights 
are  beginning  to  get 


but  cannot  consider  evidence  yet  com- 
plete." 

Sir  Jowett  Nicoll,  Bart. :  "  The  dis- 
coverer of  CHARLOTTE  BRONTE  and 
NAPOLEON  did  so  much  so  well  that  I 
have  no  doubt  he  also  did  St.  Helena." 

Mr.  Pimpernel  Peinberton  :  "  During 
a  recent  visit  to  St.  Helena  I  was 
struck  by  the  extraordinary  interest 
shown  by  the  inhabitants  not  only  in 
the  romances  of  my  great-grandfather, 
MAX,  but  also  in  the  calm  philosophical 
discursions  of  Sir  EOBERTSON  NICOLL. 
These,  witli  Jane  Eyre,  are  the  favourite 
reading  of  the  islanders,  and  since  my 
great-grandfather  was  the  pet  novelist 
and  NICOLL  the  most  acceptable  homi- 
list  of  the  great  critic  I  think  we 
may  draw  a  very  natural  inference.  In 
other  words,  I  feel  sure  that  CLEMENT 
SHORTER  did  visit  St.  Helena.  If  not, 
so  much  the  worse  for  St.  Helena. 
And  also,  if  not,  where  did  St.  Helena, 


IN    KIND. 

IT  IS  SAID  THAT  A   GENTLEMAN  WHO   HAD    HIS    PORTRAIT    PAINTED    BY 
A  POST-I.MI'KESSIONIST   PAID  FOR  IT  WITH  A  POST-IMPRESSIONIST  CHEQUE. 


shorter' — that  is  to  say,  the  days  are 
beginning  to  get  longer  and  they  can  be 
out  of  doors  more.  Or,  on  the  other 
hand,  suppose  it  ran,  'But  it  will  be 
better  soon  as  the  next  boat  is  bringing 
Shorter.'  This  would  mean  that  the 
weary  hours  were  to  be  cheered  by  the 
brilliant  conversation  of  the  London 
lion  straight  from  the  clubs  and 
coteries  of  the  capital.  Even  allowing 
for  the  size  of  the  's'  in  'shorter,'" 
added  Mr.  Cronje1,  "  I  am  disposed  to 
favour  the  latter  theory  and  consider 
this  letter  a  proof  that  the  English 
SAINTE-BEUVE  really  did  visit  St 
Helena." 

Mr.  Cronje's  contribution  to  the 
matter,  it  is  agreed  by  all  those  who 
are  following  it,  is  of  importance.  In- 
deed so  valuable  did  we  deem  it  that 
we  sent  out  a  proof  of  the  interview  to 
all  the  leading  savants,  asking  for  their 
views.  Among  the  replies  which  have 
reached  us  are  the  following : — 

Mr.  Heinemann  Primrose  Gosse: 
'  Should  like  to  think  my  great-grand- 
father's old  friend  visited  St.  Helena, 


get  its   very  individual   literary   taste 
from  ?" 

We  have  also  received  a  letter  from 
Mr.  Will  Keir  Burns,  a  great-grandson 
of  a  poet-statesman-pugilist  of  the  early 
years  of  the  last  century,  remembered 
now  chiefly  by  his  defeat  of  JOHNSON 
in  Australia,  his  public  improvisations 
of  Scotch  love-songs  in  Trafalgar 
Square,  and  his  admirable  schemes  for 
providing  every  unemployed  man  in 
London  with  a  Court-dress.  His 
descendant,  named  after  two  of  his 
great-grandfather's  closest  allies,  seems 
to  have  made  a  life-long  study  of 
the  great  SHORTER  problem,  and  he 
is  of  opinion  that  the  distinguished 
censor  and  controller  of  taste  was  in 
St.  Helena  once,  if  only  for  a  few 
moments— but  long  enough,  of  course, 
to  master  its  literature  and  history. 

"  Looking  through  an  old  file  of 
Sphere,"  writes   Mr.  BURNS,  "I 


The 


came 


upon  this  sentence  in  the  '  Literary 
Letter '  signed  C.  K.  S.  But  first  I  would 
state  that  the  researches  of  Triibner, 
Erlich,  Von  Glehn,  Saccofanti  and  other 


scholars  of  European  fame  have  put  il 
beyond  doubt  that  C.  K.  S.  were  the 
initials  with  which  this  encyclopaedic 
commentator  always  signed  his  hebdo 
madal  thunder.  Very  well,  then.  Over 
the  famous  signature  I  found  this  sen- 
tence : — 'I  am  proud  to  say  that  it  is 
my  steady  privilege  to  add  to  my  library 
the  admirable  books  published  by  my 
old  friend,  JOHN  LONG.  Would  that  he 
published  more ! ' 

"  Now  to  the  casual  eye  this  is  merely 
a  friendly  reference  to  a  publisher,  one 
of  many  in  the  great  critic's  weekly 
letter.  But  to  the  eye  of  a  deep  student 
of  the  controversy  it  is  something  more. 
Note  the  26th  and  27th  words  in  the 
sentence.  What  are  they  ?  '  Long '  and 
would.'  Put  them  together  and  say 
;hem  quickly — Longivood.  What  was 
Longwood  ?  The  famous  house  where 
NAPOLEON,  CLEMENT  SHORTER'S  hero, 
passed  the  last  years  of  his  life.  Surely 
this  is  very  significant." 

For  want  of  space  we  are 
forced  to  exclude  the  next 
eight  pages  of  Mr.  BURNS'S 
letter,  in  which  he  amasses 
arguments  to  prove  that 
CLEMENT  SHORTER  un- 
doubtedly did  visit  St. 
Helena ;  but  we  may  quote 
a  table  of  dates  which  he 
gives  by  way  of  fortifying 
his  position : — 

TABLE  OF  DATES. 

Born  .  .  circa  1861 
Learned  to  read  „  1861 
Began  to  form  library  1863 
Civil  Servant,  Somer- 
set House  .  1877-1890 
Founded  The  Sketch  .  .  .  1893 
Discovered  CHARLOTTE  BRONTE  1894 
May  have  enlisted  in  Boer 

Army 1899 

Probably     captured     by     Lord 

ROBERTS  at  Paardeberg 
Sent  to  St.  Helena 


Became  Editor  of  The  Sphere 


1900 
1900 
.  1900 

Discovered  NAPOLEON  .  .  1908 
Upon  Professor  Meredith  Clodd  Mr. 
BURNS'S  theory  fell  like  a  thunder-bolt. 
"  Very,  very  interesting.  Profoundly 
interesting,"  was  all  that  he  could  say 
for  some  time.  "  But  we  must  not 
trust  too  much  to  cryptogrammatic 
evidence,"  he  subsequently  remarked 
to  representatives  of  the  Central  News : 
and  Press  Association.  "  Although  Mr. 
BURNS'S  discovery  goes  to  support  my 
fondest  hopes,  I  shall  not  place  undue 
reliance  upon  it.  No,  I  shall  not.  It 
will  not  appreciably  influence  the  con- 
clusions at  which  I  have  arrived  in  my 
monograph  on  the  whole  matter  to  be 
published  in  the  autumn." 

Perhaps  the  question  may  now  be  left 
until  that  epoch-making  work  is  issued. 


JANUARY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


61 


YIDDISH    FOR    POLITICIANS; 

OK,  THE  NEW  LIMEHOUSE. 

TheMorninij  Post,  in  an  article  upon 
Yiddish,  shows  that  the  language  is  a 
patois,  not  dillicult  to  understand  for 
anyone  with  a  knowledge  of  German 
and  English,  if  Roman  characters  are 
substituted  for  Hebrew.  Our  contem- 
porary proves  this  by  the  following 
advertisement  quoted  from  the  Teylichcr 
Yulilish  Express  : — • 

"  Fers.  Wir  kuifen  dsshob  stoks 
fun  fers  for  spot  kesh,"  which  is,  being 
interpreted, "  Fura.  We  buy  job  stocks 
of  furs  for  spot  cash." 

With  so  many  naturalised  voters  in 
the  East  End  it  would  be  good  strategy 
for  opportunist  Ministers  to  give  an 
occasional  speech  in  Yiddish.  Some  of 
the  words  seem  to  lend  themselves  very 
happily  to  the  Limehouse  method. 

We  offer  a  sample : — 

"  Shentlemens  All.  Vy  for  am  ich 
hier  kommen.  Hein?  Vot  for?  Ich 
am  kommen  zu  dell  de'r  Druth !  Ve 
monobolize  Druth  and  Rightjoostneth 
in  our  Barty — der  Dories  and  Beers 
monobolize  Gabidal  and  Greedt!  But 
ich  give  it  zis  dime  der  Beers  in  der  Nek ! 

Zis  is  der  day  of  der  Boor  Man— der 
Boor  Man  hath  ihmself  arouthed — der 
Boor  Man  hath  thaid, '  Ich  vill  dermandt 
der  right  not  zu  vork — der  right  zu 
make  der  Gabidalist  pay  fur  das  vork 
ich  dond  do.' 

•  Ach !  Shentlemens,  ich  am  a  Boor 
Man  also — ichunderthandzeirthorrows, 
bekorth  ich  habe  thorrows  meinthelf — 
ich  also  dond  get  all  the  moneth  ich 
vont.  Ach  ich  am  zo  boor  1  Mein  only 
proberdy  ist  Eightjoostneth.  Mein  only 
gabidal  is  love  fur  mein  Goundry — 
Vales !  (Vales  is  goot— looken  zie, 
Shentlemens  —  Vales  ist  also  a 
chothen  Beople !) 

Ya !  der  Beople  ith  arouthed !  All  der 
Gread  Beople  vot  thay,  '  Dies  landt  ith 
ourtli — our  Vaders  vos  robt  of  it — our 
Vaders  vot  vos  von  it  py  naduraliza- 
thion  and  der  thweating  of  thub- 
tenants ! ' 

Der  Beople  will  trive  dose  dirdty 
plackard  Beers  zu  Gehenna ! 

Shentlemens,  ich  habe  proken  a 
Beer's  brod  und  tranken  hith  wein — 
ich  habe  daken  hith  hosbidality,  zo  ich 
kann  dell  you!  Vy!  who  kann  dell 
better? 

Shentlemens — zey  are  all  plackards 
— der  Beers  mit  balasses  und  Fiinf 
Tousand  Poundts  a  year !  Vot  gaun  a 
man  do  mit  zo  much  ?  Der  ist  only 
von  man  in  Englandt  vot  is  verth  it  I 

Ich  dell  you  now  zomesing  of  diese 
Beers'  prutality. 

Von  of  diese  Beers  Kinder  nod  long 
since  was  shump  in  der  river  and  bull 
oudt  a  girl  vot  vos  trowning  !  Looken 


"  I  SAT,  OLD  MAN,  YOU  'VE  NEVER  BETURXED  THAT  UMBRELLA  I  LENT  YOU  LAST  WEEK.' 
"HANG  IT  ALL,  OLD  MAN,  BE  REASONABLE — IT'S  BEEN  RAINING  EVER  SINCE." 


zie,  Shentlemens,  die  Boor  may 
not  trown  now  vidout  a  Beer's  bermis- 
sion !  Himmel !  Zey  thay,  '  Get  off 
der  earth,'  und  now  zey  thay,  '  Get  oudt 
of  der  wasser.'  Vere  can  der  Boor 
Man  go  ?  It  vos  vorse  zaii  die  mittel 
I 


Beers  dond  live  in  Limehouth  !  Ach 
nein !  Zey  live  in  balasses  mit  modor 
gars— und  zey  have  goff,  und  bummels 
in  der  South  of  Franth !  Ich  dell  you 
der  Beers  ave  all  der  moneth — nopoddy 
elth  !  Looken  zie,  Shentlemens !  Not 
der  boor  gompany  bromoters — nod  der 
boor  chocolad  makers — not  der  boor 
boliticians  t 

Effery  rich  man  ist  ein  Beer!  Zo 
arouthe  you  and  thmash  zem — und  der 
Navy— und  der  dam  foolith  badriodism. 
All  Englandt  ith  arouthed — all  Great 
Englandt  vot  vos  love  odder  gountries 


best— all  der  real  John  Pull,  vot  vos 
vin  Vaterloo ! 

ADVERTISEMENT.  —  Koronetz. 
sellen  Fiinf  hundert  dsshob 
koronetz  for  spot  kesh." 


Wir 
stoks 


"The  chiffon  frock  worn  by  Mrs.  wa? 

of  the  shade  of  blue  seen  sometimes  in  the 
heavens  on  a  still  clear  night  when  the  moon  ia 
in  the  lust  quarter."— Sheffie'd  Indepndent. 

It  must  not  be  supposed  that  a  para- 
graph of  this  kind  is  admitted  into  the 
columns  of  the  press  without  the 
closest  scrutiny.  The  reporter  in  the 
ordinary  way  would  forward  a  piece 
of  the  chiffon  to  the  editor,  who  would 
wait  for  a  still  clear  night  (the  moon, 
of  course,  being  in  the  last  quarter) 
to  give  himself  a  chance  of  confirming 
the  statement  bsfore  he  passed  it  for 
press. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    25,    1911. 


UTTLE  PLAYS  FOR  AMATEURS. 

II "  A  SLIGHT  MISUNDERSTANDING." 

The  scene  is  a  drawing-room  (in  lohich 
the  men  are  allowed  to  smoke — or  a 
smoking-room  in  which  the  women 
are  allowed  to  draw — it  doesn't 
much  matter)  in  the  house  of  some- 
bodij  or  other  in  the  country.  George 


Turnbull  and  his  old  College 
Henry  Peterson,  are  confiding  in 
each  other,  as  old  friends  will,  over 
their  whiskies  and  cigars.     It  is 
about  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon. 
George  (dreamily,  helping  himself  to 
a  stiff  soda).  Henry,  do  you  remember 
that  evening  at  Christ  Church  College, 
five  years  ago,  when  we  opened  our 
hearts  to  each  other  .  .  . 

Henry  (lighting  a  cigar  and  hiding  it 
in  a  fern-pot).  That  moonlight  evening 
on  the  Backs,  George,  when  1  had 
failed  in  my  Matriculation  examina- 
tion ? 

George.  Yes  ;  and  we  promised  that 
when  either  of  us  fell  in  love  the  other 
should  be  the  first  to  hear  of  it? 
(Rising  solemnly.)  Henry,  the  moment 
has  come.  (With  shining  eyes.)  I  am 
in  love. 

Henry    (jumping  up  and    grasping 
him    by    both    hands).     George!     My 
dear  old   George!    (In  a  voice  broken 
with  emotion)  Bless  you,  George  ! 
[He  pats   him  thoughtfully  on  the 
back  three  times,  nods   his    head 
ticice,  gives  him  a  final  grip  of  the 
hand,  and  returns  to  his  chair. 
George  (more  moved  by  this  than  he 
cares    to    show).   Thank  you,   Henry. 
(Hoarsely.)    You  're  a  good  fellow. 

Henry  (airily,  with  a  typically  British 
desire  to  conceal  his  emotion).  Who  is 
the  lucky  little  lady  ? 

George  (taking  out  a  picture  postcard 
of  the  British  Museum  and  kissing  it 
passionately).  Isobel  Barley ! 

[If  Henry  is  not  careful  he  will  pro- 
bably give  a  start  of  surprise  here, 


Henry  (like  a  man).  By  Jove!  (look- 
ing at  his  watch)— I  had  no  idea— is  it 
really — poor  old  Joe — waiting — 

[Dashes  out  tactfully  in  a  state  of 

incoherence. 

George  (rising  and  leading  Isobel  to 
the  front  of  the  stage).  Miss  Barley, 
now  that  we  are  alone  1  have  some- 
thing I  want  to  say  to  you. 

Isobel  (looking  at  her  watch).  Well, 
you  must  be  quick.  Because  I  'm  en- 
gaged  

[George  drops  her  hand  and  staggers 

away  from  her. 

Isobel.  Why,  what 's  the  matter  ? 
George  (to  the  audience,  in  a  voice 
the  very  deeps  of  emotion). 
She  is  engaged  !     I  am  too 


expressing 
Engaged ! 
late! 


with  the  idea  of  suggesting  to  the 
audience  that  he  (1)  knows  some- 
thing about  the  lady's  past,  or  (2) 


[He  sinks  into  a  chair  and  covers  his 
face  with  his  hands. 

Isobel  (surprised).  Mr.  Turnbull  ! 
What  has  happened  ? 

George  (waving  her  away  with  one 
hand).  Go!  Leave  me!  I  can  bear 
this  best  alone.  (Exit  Isobel.)  Merci- 
ful heavens,  she  is  plighted  to  another ! 

Enter  Henry. 

Henry  (eagerly).  Well,  old  man  ? 

George  (raising  a  face  lohite  ivith 
misery — that  is  to  say,  if  he  lias  re- 
membered to  put  the  French  chalk  in 
the  palms  of  his  hands).  Henry,  I  am 
too  late !  She  is  another's ! 

Henry  (in  surprise).  Whose? 

George  (with  dignity).  I  did  not  ask 
her.  It  is  nothing  to  me.  Good-bye, 
Henry.  Be  kind  to  her. 

Henry.  Why,  where  are  you  going  ? 

George  (firmly).  To  the  Bocky 
Mountains.  I  shall  shoot  some  bears. 
Grizzly  ones.  It  may  be  that  thus  I 
shall  forget  my  grief. 

Henry  (after  a  pause).  Perhaps  you 
are  right,  George.  What  shall  I  tell— 
Her? 

George.  Tell  her  —  nothing.  But 
should  anything  (feeling  casually  in  his 
pockets)  happen  to  me — if  (going  over 


them  again  quickly)  I  do  not  come  back, 
then  (searching  them  all,  including  the 
.  .  ,  waistcoat  ones,  in  desperate  haste),  give 

is  in  love  with  her  himself.     He  is,  her— give  her— give  her  (triumphantly 
however,   thinking  of   a  different  bringing  his  handkerchief  out  of  the  last 

pocket)    this, 


Isobel.  But  he  was  here  a  moment 
ago. 

Henry.     Yes,  he 's  only  just  gone. 

Isobel.  Why  didn't  he  say  good-bye  ? 
(Eagerly.)  But  perhapsheleft  a  message 
forme?  (Henry  shakes  his  head.)  Noth- 
ing? (Henry  boivs  silently  and  leaves  the 
room.)  Oh  !  (She  gives  a  cry  and  throws 
herself  on  the  sofa.)  And  I  loved  him  ! 
George,  George,  why  didn't  you  speak  ? 

[Enter  George  hurriedly.  He  is  fully 
dressed  for  a  shooting  expedition 
in  the  Rocky  Mountains,  and 
carries  a  rifle  under  his  arm. 

George  (to  the  audience).  I  have  just 
come  back  for  my  pocket-handker- 
chief. I  must  have  dropped  it  in  here 
somewhere.  (He  begins  to  search  for 
it,  and  in  the  ordinary  course  of  things 
comes  upon  Isobel  on  the  sofa.  He  puts 
his  rifle  doivn  carefully  on  a  table,  with 
the  muzzle  pointing  at  the  prompter 
rather  than  at  the  audience,  and  staggers 
back.)  Merciful  heavens  !  Isobel ! 
Dead!  (He  falls  on  his  knees  beside 
the  sofa.)  My  love,  speak  to  me ! 

Isobel  (softly).  George! 

George.  She  is  alive  !  Isobel ! 

Isobel.  Don't  go,  George  ! 

George.  My  dear,  I  love  you !  But 
when  1  heard  that  you  were  another's, 
honour  compelled  me — 

Isobel  (sitting  up  quickly).  What  do 
you  mean  by  another's  ? 

George.  You  said  you  were  engaged ! 

Isobel  (suddenly  realizing  how  the 
dreadful  misundi  rstanding  arose  which 
nearly  wrecked  two  lives).  But  I  only 
meant  I  was  engaged  to  play  tennis 
with  Lady  Carbrook! 

George.  What  a  fool  I  have  been! 
(He  hurries  on  before  the  audience  can 
assent.)  Then,  Isobel,  you  will  be  mine? 

Isobel.  Yes,  George.  And  you  won't 
go  and  shoot  nasty  bears,  will  you, 
dear  ?  Not  even  grizzly  ones  ? 

George  (taking  her  in  his  arms). 
Never,  darling.  That  was  only  (turning 
to  the  audience  with  the  air  of  one  who 
making  his  best  point)  A  SLIGHT 
MISUNDERSTANDING. 

CURTAIN.       A.  A.  M. 


play.     We  shall  come  to  that  one 
in  a  week  or  two. 
Henry  (in  a  slightly  dashing  manner). 
Little  Isobel  ?    Lucky  dog  ! 

George.  I  wish  I  could  think  so. 
(Sighs.)  But  I  have  yet  to  approach 
her,  and  she  may  be  another's. 
(Fiercely)  Heavens,  Henry,  if  she 
should  be  another's  I 

Enter  Isobel. 

Isobel  (brightly).  So  I  've  run  you  to 
earth  at  last.  Now  what  have  you 
got  to  say  for  yourselves  ? 


and  say  that  my  last 
thought  was  of  her.  Good-bye,  my  old 
friend.  Good-bye. 

[Exit  to  Rocky  Mountains. 

Enter  Isobel. 

Isobel.  Why,  where 's  Mr.  Turn- 
bull? 

Henry  (sadly).     He 's  gone. 

Isobel.  Gone  ?  Where  ? 

Henry.  To  the  Eocky  Mountains. 
To  shoot  bears.  (Feeling  that  some 
further  explanation  is  needed.)  Grizzly 
ones,  you  know. 


Naval  Supremacy. 

"  Lady  Curzon-Howe  will  perform  the  cere- 
mony of  laying  the  first  plate  of  the  King 
George  V.  at  Portsmouth. 

"To-DAY's  DIARY. — La-ncbing  of  the  King 
George  V.  at  Portsmouth.  ' — Dai  y  Express. 

If  any  other   nation  can  do  it  more 
quickly  than  that  we  shall  be  surprised. 


"ENGLISHMAN'S  ADVENTURE 
TIEII  UP  TO  A  TKEE 
BY  SPECIAL  WIIIK." 

Daily  Telegraph. 

Not  barbed  wire,  we  trust. 


JANTAUY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


63 


,a  -— *^^          _  ^^**—  •       —  n, 

^      ,J= „  —  ;    . 

,      \  ••  'i  IK  >  v'          ••>«  *  >  /n.  <-  O 


.  "AXD  AM  I  TO  GIVE  THE  CHILD  RELIGIOUS  INSTKUCTIOV  f " 
Sluthcr.  "I  DON'T  CARE  WOT  YER  DO  so  LONG  AS  YER  DON'T  BASH  'EU  ABAHT  THE  'BAD.' 


OUR    DEBT   TO    MR.    DOTT. 

[A  letter  signed  P.  McO.Misii  DOTT  appears  in  The  Outlook  of  January 
14th  expressing  the  fear  that  England  is  falling  into  senile  decay.] 

THOUGH  a  man  of  simple  nature,  living  in  a  humdrum  way, 
To  the  spell  of  nomenclature  I  have  always  fall'n  a  prey ; 
Names  with  me  are  an  obsession,  thickening  the  thinnest 

plot, 
But  my  tastiest  possession  is  the  last,  McOiuisH  DOTT. 

Latterly,  while  curio-hunting,  I  acquired  some  splendid  loot, 
Bracketing  Sir  PERCY  BUNTING  with  his  friend  Sir  JESSE 

BOOT, 

Now  in  even  fuller  measure  there  has  fallen  to  my  lot 
New  and  valuable  treasure  labelled  P.  McOMisn  DOTT. 

I  've  collected  Mustard,  Smellie,  Hog  with  but  a  single  "g," 
Jubb,  Earwaker  and  Whalebelly,  Worple,  Montecuccoli, 
Gollop,  Polyblank  and  Szlumper,  Didham,  Bultitude  and 

Sprot, 
But  I  give  my  vote — a  plumper — unto  P.  McOnisn  DOTT. 

LOWTHEK  BRIDGEB'S  lucubrations  long  have  ceased  to  give 

me  joy, 

KIPLING  COMMON'S  coruscations  my  fastidious  palate  cloy ; 
But  a  rapture  fine  and  frantic,  such  as  centred  in  Shalott, 
Lurks  within  the  rich,  romantic  name  of  P.  McOMisn  DOTT. 

Somewhere  in  the  Boreal  regions  first  his  sanguine  star 

arose, 

Where  the  Macs  abound  in  legions,  alternating  with  the  O's ; 
There  he  tossed  the  caber  daily,  there  the  golden  eagle  shot, 
There  the  giant  capercailzie  fell  to  P.  MCOMISH  DOTT. 

Fed  on  mountain  dew  in  Jura,  and  eschewing  Saxon  swipes, 
Soon  he  mastered  the  bravura  of  the  devastating  pipes  ; 


Or  amid  the  glens  and  corries  traced  the  stag's  elusive  slot, 
Far  from  dull  suburban  "  swarries,"  sturdy  P.  McOMisn 
DOTT. 

Then  he  swept  the  board  at  college,  gathering  in  his  mental 

net 
Every    earthly    form  of    knowledge  from  CONFUCIUS  to 

DEBBETT ; 

Till — for  so  the  gossips  tell  us — Admiral  Sir  PERCY  SCOTT 
Grew  inordinately  jealous  of  his  friend  McOMiSH  DOTT. 

Next  in  retrospective  vision  southward  I  behold  him  fare, 
England,  rent  by  indecision,  nobly  striving  to  repair ; 
Hand-in-hand  with  GILBERT  PARKER  stopping  ev'ry  fiscal 

rot, 
Hand-in-hand  with  ELLIS  BARKER  —  happy  P.  McOMiSH 

DOTT! 

Last  of  all  we  see  him,  scorning  our  misgivings  to  assuage, 
As  he  trumpets  forth  his  warning  in  The  Outlook's  central 

page, 
Telling  us  that  by  to-morrow  England  will  have  gone  to 

pot, 
Less  in  anger  than  in  sorrow — noble  P.  McOMiSH  DOTT. 

P.S. 

Query : — Is  the  P  for  Peter,  Parsifal  or  Peregrine 't 
Any  of  them  suits  my  metre,  but  to  Parsifal  I  lean ; 
Still,  I   think   I   like   him   better   in   the  form  The  Out- 
look 's  got, 
Prefaced  by  a  single  letter — simply  P.  McOMiSH  DOTT. 


"Old  Age  Prevented. — Eit  orange  flower  honey." — Advt.  in  "Daily 
Mail.  ' 
Can  this  be  yet  another  example  of  commercial  candour  ? 


64 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1911. 


He.    "VERY   INTERESTING  THESE  MOBIUS-DANCES.      HAVE  YOU    EVER  SEEK  ANY  BEFOUE  !  " 

Slit.  "  No.    I  DON'T  EVES  KNOW  WHO  MORRIS  WAS." 


THE  SECOND  WHIP  EXPLAINS. 

OH,  gatherin'  'ounds  is  a  job  I  like 

Wen  the  winter  day  draws  in, 
Wen  shadows  are  lyin'  by  every  dyke 

And  creepin'  out  o'  the  whin ; 
Wen  'Armony  'a  missin',  an'  Houtcast 
too. 

An*  the  master  'e  says  to  me — 
"  Jim,  you  go  back  to  that  gorse  we 
drew, 

For  it  'B  there  them  beggars  '11  be!  " 

Oh,  gatherin'  'ounds  is  the  job  I  love, 

Wen  the  dark  comes  down  on  the 

thorn, 
An'  the  moon  is  'ung  in  the  sky  above 

Like  a  glitterin'  'untin'  'orn ; 
Wen  I  ride  the  banks  like  a  glidin' 
ghost 

An'  the  dips  like  a  witch  o'  fear — 
This  is  the  job  wot  I  loves  the  most 

In  the  darkest  days  o'  the  year. 

Though  it 's  me  that  knows  that  the 

cunnin  old  rags 
Will  be  'alfway  'ome  by  now, 
0'  course    it  you're  sent  for  a  'ound 

wot  lags 
You  must  do  as  you  're  ordered  'ow ; 


An'  it 's  allus  the  custom,  so  I  've  found, 
With  a  pack  worth  callin'  a  pack, 

That  a  whip  goes  back  for  the  missin' 

'ound, 
An'  it 's  mostly  me  goes  back  t 

Though  I  know  the  beggars  is  runnin' 

the  road 

On  a  breast-'igh  scent  o'  soup, 
Will  I  use  my  brains  ?     No,  I  '11  be 

blowed 

If  I  'd  ever  so  'umble  stoop. 
If  they  think  that  a  fox-'ound  don't 

"ave  wits, 

Let  'em  think  so,  then,  I  say; 
Some  folk  must  gather  up  sense  by  bits 
As  a  fed  'oss  gathers  'is  'ay  I 

No,  I  don't  'alf  mind  keepin'  long  late 

hours, 

For  it 's  all  in  the  day  for  me, 
An'  I  know  there 's  a  glass  to  be  'ad  at 

The  Towers, 

An'  there  's  Oakwood  Farm  for  tea, 
With    a    pail    o'   gruel    all   mixed, 

guess, 

An'  a  stall  that  the  old  'oss  knows. 
An'  a  seat  by  the  kitchen  fire  wi'  Bess 
Wen   the   cook   an'   the   'ousemaid 
goesl 


An'  that 's  wy  I  ride  so  cheery  back 

W'en  the  master  says  to  me, 
'Jim" — wi'   'is    keen   heye   over  the 

pack — • 

"  I  am  two  'ounds  short,  or  three ! " 
An'  that 's  wy  I  'm  Houtcast's  honlj 

friend, 

An'  'Armony's  lifelong  pal, 
Because  if  they  kept  wi'  the  pack  to 

the  end, 
Well,  'ow  would  I  see  my  gal  ? 


From  The  Queen  of  Jan.  14th : — 

"  A  new  story  from  the  pen  of  Mrs.  Moles 
worth    can    never    fail    to    be    welcome,   anc 
socially    at     this    season,    with     Christina 
]  resents  looming  in  the  near  future." 

Have  we  got  uo  have  it  all  over  again 
Help!          

"The  painter,  whose  art  is  of  a  well-curbed 
and  moderate  modernity,  has,  however,  no  very 
strong  artistic  personality :  you  would  not 
s-taud  befon.  one  of  his  pictures  and  say  '  Tliat 
ia  a  Leech  I ' '  — Daily  Tc  cyraph. 

We  know  one  painter  before  whose 
pictures  you  would  not  stand  and  say. 
"  That  is  a  Cow."  At  least  not  with; 
any  certainty. 


PUNCH.   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  2f>,  1911. 


THE   PREAMBULATOR. 

1  I'm;  Preamble  to  the  Parliament  Bill  is  threatened  with  strong  opposition  from  the  Labour  Party.] 


JANUARY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


67 


V 


CELEBRITIES    OUT    OF    THEIR    ELEMENT.— V. 

AN  AFFECTIKG  AND  ENTIRELY   FANCY   PICTURE  OF   MR.    SELFKIDGE  ALONE   ON   A   DESERT   ISLAND. 

[In  case  any  human  being  sAo«W  come  along  lie  does  the  best  he  can  with  his  frontage,  but  materials  are  scanty,  and  unfortunately  he  is  far 
from  the  track  of  passing  vessels.  ]  


THE    LAST    COCK-PHEASANT. 

SPLENDOUR,  whom  lately  on  your  glowing  flight 
Athwart  the  chill  and  cheerless  winter-skies 

I  marked  and  welcomed  with  a  futile  right, 
And  then  a  futile  left,  and  strained  my  eyes 

To  see  you  so  magnificently  large, 

Sinking  to  rest  beyond  the  fir-wood's  marge — 

Not  mine,  not  mine  the  fault :  despise  me  not 
In  that  I  missed  you  ;  for  the  sun  was  down, 

And  the  dim  light  was  all  against  the  shot ; 
And  I  had  booked  a  bet  of  half-a-crown. 

My  deadly  fire  is  apt  to  be  upset 

By  many  causes — always  by  a  bet. 

Or  had  I  overdone  it  with  the  sloes, 

Snared  by  their  home-picked  brand  of  ardent  gin 
Designed  to  warm  a  shivering  sportsman's  toes 

And  light  a  tire  his  -eckless  head  within? 
Or  did  my  silly  loader  put  me  off 
With  aimless  chatter  in  regard  to  golf  ? 

You  too,  I  think,  displayed  a  lack  of  nerve ; 

You  did  not  quite — now  did  you? — play  the  game ; 


For  when  you  saw  me  you  were  seen  to  swerve, 

Doubtless  in  order  to  disturb  my  aim. 
No,  no,  you  must  not  ask  me  to  forgive 
A  swerve  because  you  basely  planned  to  live. 

At  any  rate  I  missed  you,  and  you  went, 

The  last  day's  absolutely  final  bird, 
Scathless,  and  left  me  very  ill  content ; 

And  someone  (was  it  I  ?)  pronounced  a  word, 
A  word  which  rather  forcible  than  nice  is, 
A  little  word  which  does  not  rhyme  with  Isis. 

Farewell !     I  may  behold  you  once  again 

When  next  November's  gales  have  stripped  the  leaf. 

Then,  while  your  upward  flight  you  grandly  strain, 
May  I  be  there  to  add  you  to  my  sheaf ; 

And  may  they  praise  your  tallness,  saying  "  This 

Was  such  a  bird  as  men  are  proud  to  miss !  "          Tis. 

"Reading  of  the  girls  who  are  coining  with  'The  Slim  Princes?' 
show,  we  notice  that  one  of  them,  Henrietta  Pansofler,  is  described 
as  weighing  186  pounds.  Nevertheless,  we  intend  to  slop  rixht  lieie 
and  not  attempt  to  clay-moJel  a  witticism  out  of  Henrietta's  other 
name  and  its  relation  to  her  weight." — American  Paper. 

Pansoffer  .  .  .  Pansoffer    .   .   .   Pansoffer  .  .  .  No,  we've 

missed  it. 


G3 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


fjANUAKY    25,    1911. 


CHARIVARIA. 

TUHKKY  has  been  complaining  that 
she  was  not  consulted  by  Germany 
about  the  pourparlers  at  Potsdam. 
Turkey  has  yet  to  learn  that  good 
little  allies  should  be  seen  and  not 

heard. 

* 

The  Triple  Entente  is  a  League  of 
Peace,  declares  The  Spectator.  The 
worst  of  Peace  is  that  it  is  apt  to  cease 
as  soon  as  War  begins. 

Prominent  Nonconformist  leaders 
have  been  discussing  the  advisability 
of  a  conference  to  consider  - 
the  decline  in  membership 
among  the  Free  Churches. 
It  seems  curious  that  the 
use  of  the  pulpit  as  a  poli- 
tical hustings  has  failed  to 

attract. 

* 

"It  is  rather  difficult," 
says  The  Agricultural  Econo- 
mist, "to  account  for  the 
prejudice  which  exists 
against  goats."  Is  it  pos- 
sible that  the  influence  of 
Mr.  FRANK  EICHARDSON  is 
at  last  making  itself  felt  ? 

*  * 

"LOVE  LETTERS  TO  A  WIFE 

FOUND  IN  A  SAFE" 
is  the  startling  heading  of  a 
paragraph  in  The  Daily  Mai  I. 
While  we  like  to  see  a  man 
take  care  of  his  wife,  to 
place  her  in  a  safe  is  surely 
carrying  caution  too  far. 

*.„* 

Mr.  FRANKFORT  MOORE'S 
latest  book,  The  Common- 
Sense  Collector,  should 
supply  a  want.  So  few 
people  know  how  to  collect 
Common-Sense. 

#  * 

Another  prison  reform,  it 
is  said,  is  now  engaging  the  attention 
of  the  kind-hearted  authorities.  It  is 
the  institution  of  a  White  Maria — a 
vehicle  which  will  fetch  prisoners  at 
the  end  of  their  term,  and  set  them 
down  at  their  own  doors. 
*„.* 

And  yet  another  experiment,  we  hear, 
is  to  be  "  Week  End  Convicts."  So 
that  the  sentence  of  imprisonment  may 
not  interfere  with  their  ordinary  occu- 
pations prisoners  will  be  allowed  to 
work  off  the  sentence  by  instalments, 
and,  to  save  them  trouble,  the  Black 
Maria  will  call  for  them  at  their  own 
residences. 

'".;-.'" 

A  Liberal  governor  of  the  High 
Wycombe  Eoyal  Grammar  School  has 


protested  against  the  following  sen- 
tence being  given  out  for  translation 
from  English  into  Latin  :— "  The  safety 
of  the  Empire  is  only  assured  by  the 
House  of  Lords  being  preserved."  In 
our  opinion  the  disservice  was  to  the 
Unionists.  Every  healthy  boy  acquires 
a  hearty  distaste  for  the  stuff  of  his 
Latin  prose.  .:.  :;. 

The  latest  American  invention  to  he 
placed  upon  the  market  is  an  electric 
mouse-trap,  which  may  be  connected 
with  the  usual  lighting  installation. 
We  understand  that  at  present  mice 
look  upon  it  merely  as  "  an  amusing  toy." 


the  next  court  than  what  was  happen- 
ing in  his  own.  One  day  he  heard  an 
outburst  of  laughter  in  the  next  court, 
and  a  jealous  frown  appeared  on  his 
face — until  it  suddenly  struck  him  that 
it  must  have  been  his  joke  that  had 
missed  his  audience  and  reached  the 
adjoining  room.  ...  ... 

The  announcement  that  Turkish 
baths  are  to  be  built  by  the  Southern! 
Town  Council  has,  we  hear,  caused 
great  satisfaction  among  Anglophils  in 
Constantinople,  and  is  being  used  as  a 
counterblast  to  the  attacks  on  British 
diplomacy  in  connection  with  the 
Baghdad  Railway. 


1'isitor. 
Lodger. 


"  HULLO,    OLD   MAN,    WHAT  ARE  YOU  PLAYING 

'•'  POKER  PATIENCE,  I  CALL  IT." 


AT?' 


Now  that  the  University  of  Cam- 
bridge has  taken  over  The  Encyclopedia 
Britannica,iurttier  developments  of  the 
commercial  spirit  may  be  looked  for, 
and  we  shall  not  be  surprised  any  day 
to  see  a  poster  appear  in  the  streets  : — 

UNIVERSITY   OF    CAMBRIDGE 

WANTED 

BRIGHT   LADS. 

The  latest  fashion  in  jewellery,  we 
are  told,  is  paste  One  advantage  of 
this,  we  imagine,  is  that  such  jewellery 
is  easier  to  stick  to. 

& 

An  interesting  tale  is  being  told  of 
Mr.  Justice  DARLING,  who  complained 
recently  at  the  Old  Bailey  that  he 
could  hear  better  what  was  going  on  in 


WINTER    SPORT 
TAX- PAYERS. 

AMONG  the  indoor  games 
which  help  to  brighten  the 
short  winter  days  for  rne 
there  is  none  that  i  enjoy 
more  than  my  annual  bout 
with  the  income-tax  fellow. 
I  suppose  I  must  admit  that 
he  had  the  best  of  it  three 
years  ago,  when  he  dis- 
covered that  I  had  won 
some  thousands  of  guineas 
in  a  Limerick  Competition 
—I  had  really  forgotten  it 
— but  I  smote  him  hip  and 
thigh  in  1908-9  ;  and  last 
winter  it  was  a  draw.  It 
just  petered  out.  We  both 
got  tired. 

This  time  he  has  delighted 
me  exceedingly  by  a  fine 
energetic  display  of  that 
misdirected  ingenuity  which 
is  one  of  his  most  charming 
attributes.  I  do  love  to  see 
him  follow  up  a  clue  to  the 
bitter  end.  -Where  he  fails 
is  in  choosing  his  ground  at 
the  outset.  I  really  do  try 
to  be  honest  about  my 
income  tax.  That  is  one  of  my  little 
fads.  But  I  am  convinced  that  by 
now,  so  well  do  I  understand  the 
workings  of  his  mind,  I  could,  if  I 
cared  to,  batten  upon  vast  sources  of 
wealth  without  their  ever  reaching  the 
light  of  day  in  the  columns  of  his  little 
blue  papers.  On  the  other  hand,  if 
ever  I  happen  to  pick  up  a  windfall  of 
no  intrinsic  value  whatever,  such  as  a 
tip  in  a  restaurant  when  1  have  been 
mistaken  for  a  waiter,  or  a  prize  for  a 
guinsa-pig  at  a  local  agricultural  show, 
he  is  bound  to  track  me  down  and  take 
his  toll  of  it. 

This  time  he  got  going  earlier  than 
usual,  in  the  month  of  October.  I  had 
published  a  book,  about  a  year  ago, 
upon  my  special  subject  of  the  treat- 


JANUARY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


Visitor,    "I'VE   JUST   COME   FI.OM   THE   DoUTOll's   FUNERAL,    BUT   I   DIDN'T  SEE   ANY   OF   YOU   THERE." 

Hostess.    "NO — MY   HUSBAND   DIDN'T  CAKE  TO   GO,    AS   FUNERALS  ALWAYS   UPSET   HIM." 

Visitor.    "Oil,  WELL,  IF   YOU   NEVER  GO  TO   OTHER  PEOPLE'S   FUNERALS   I   DON'T  SEE   HOW   YOU   CAN   EXPECT  THEM  TO   COME  TO  YOURS." 


ment  of  window-boxes.  It  was  called 
The  Garden  on  the  Sill,  and  was 
brought  out  at  3s.  6d.  by  Messrs. 
Williams  and  Anstruther.  The  season 
opened  when  a  blue  paper  arrived 
demanding  a  statement  of  royalties 
received.  I  replied  that  I  was  both 
surprised  and  gratified  to  learn  that 
my  opponent  had  heard  of  my  little 
book.  (It  was  gratifying,  you  know,  for 
I  fancy  it  had  been  forgotten  months 
before  by  the  whole  of  the  garden- 
ing public.)  And  I  sent  him  an  order 
form.  He  simply  wrote  reiterating  his 
demand.  Then  I  told  him  that  since 
he  pressed  the  point  I  must  admit  that 
I  was  perhaps  a  little  sensitive  about 
the  outcome  of  my  book.  I  was  quite 
satisfied  with  its  success  as  literature, 
and  I  was  sure  he  would  agree  with 
me  that  mere  monetary  return  was  not 
to  be  accepted  as  the  only  test  of  its 
value.  He  replied  very  briefly,  "  Please 
furnish  the  address  of  Messrs.  Williams 
and  Anstruther."  That  I  declined  to 
do.  I  pointed  out  that  it  was  not 
quite  playing  the  game;  that  they 


might  have  some  reason  (one  never 
knew)  for  not  wishing  to  make  their 
address  known.  I  did  not  care  to  take 
the  responsibility.  I  felt  it  would  be 
more  satisfactory  if  he  would  write  to 
them  direct  for  it.  This  he  must  have 
done,  for  his  next  communication  was 
a  demand  for  payment  of  tax  at  9rf.  in 
the  pound  on  the  amount  of  royalties 
received.  The  royalties  were  eighteen 
shillings,  so  it  worked  out  at  eight- 
pence. 

I  now  began  seriously  to  defend 
myself.  I  told  him  (1)  that  this  sum 
of  eighteen  shillings  had  already  been 
entered  in  my  first  return  under  the 
heading,  "  Promiscuous  profits  from 
sundry  sources,"  also  (2)  that  even  if 
he  could  thus  isolate  it  for  special 
treatment,  it  was  a  question  of  the 
average  profits  accruing  to  me  during 
the  last  three  years  from  publication  of 
books.  That  made  it  about  2£d.  Did 
he  think  it  worth  collecting  ?  I  also 
asked  him,  in  a  postscript,  to  send  me 
a  packet  of  those  jolly  little  yellow 
envelopes  of  his  marked  "  Official 


Paid,"  where  the  stamp  ought  to  go, 
so  that  I  might  be  in  a  position  to 
carry  on  the  correspondence  on  equal 
terms.  He  had  sent  me  one  or  two  of 
these  before,  but  never  in  sufficient 
quantities. 

In  his  reply,  which  was  ingenious  but 
inconclusive,  he  made  no  reference  at 
all  to  my  demand  for  envelopes ;  and 
this  really  became  the  crux  of  the 
situation.  For  the  contest  came  auto- 
matically to  an  end  yesterday  when  I 
wrote  and  pointed  out  that  I  had  now 
expended  on  stamps  the  whole  amount 
of  the  tax  claimed.  I  therefore  re- 
garded the  incident  as  closed.  The 
Government  had  got  my  money.  It 
only  remained  for  him  to  sea  that  the 
sum  in  question  was  transferred  from 
the  Post  Office  to  the  Inland  Revenue 
Department. 

But  still  the  thing  is  hardly  fair. 
His  letters  cost  him  nothing,  while 
I  am  all  the  time  incurring  heavy 
expenses  in  note-paper.  I  must  have 
the  packet  of  envelopes  next  time. 
Otherwise  I  shan't  play. 


70 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [JANUARY  25.  1911. 


'THE    OIMCOMERS." 

I  CONFESS  that  I  felt  a  Kttle  nervous 
when  I  found  myself  the  other  after- 
noon in  tho  Oncomers'  line  of  charge, 
though  I  understand  that  this  Society 
with  the  menacing  name  is  established 
for  the  harmless  purpose  of  giving  pro- 
vincial actors  an  opportunity  of  appeal- 
ng  to  Metropolitan  tastes.    The  lights 
of  The  Little  Theatre  had  gone  out  and 
the  Egyptian    darkness   of    the 
stage  an  unseen  chest  threw  off  one 
of  ELLA   WHEELER  WILCOX'S  Poems 
;/   Pleasure  in   the    approved    elocu- 
ionary  manner  that  emphasizes  every 
word  and  the  gaps  between.     For  a 
moment  I  thought  I  should  have  to 
)e  an  Offgoer.     But  it  was  soon  over, 
and   two   figures  did   a  praiseworthy 
step-dance  indicative  of  the  origin  of 
;he  Opal.     It  appears  that  the  Opal 
s  the  direct  result  of  wedlock  between 
i  Sunbeam  and  a  Moonbeam. 

Then  there  was   a    great   interval, 
during    which    a    lady   came   on    (or 
oncame  ?)    through    the    curtain   and 
sang,  with  perfect    British   decorum, 
one  of  Carmen's  most  full-blooded  songs, 
and  a  pianist  played  and  played  in  a 
corner  by   the    door    till    I    thought 
nothing  else  was  ever  going  to  happen. 
At  last  a  gong  sounded  and  I  sat  up 
but  it  was  only  the  dressing-gong ;  and 
there  was  more  delay  before  the  dinner- 
gong  sounded  and  we  got  to  work  on  the 
piece  of  resistance.     Its  name  was  The 
Trap,  and  it  was  rather  a  pleasant  Light 
Comedy,  by  ALICE  CLAYTON  GREENE 
about  a  husband  who  disguised  himseli 
as  a  burglar  and  held  up  his  wife  anc 
her  lover.      A  nice  play  for  private 
theatricals,  and  really  quite  as  good  as 
some  things  that  find  their  way  on  to 
the  London  boards.     And  it  gave  gooc 
chances     to     Mr.     PHILIP    CLAYTON 
GREENE  as  the  husband,  to  Mr.  WYNNE 
WEAVER  as  a  butler,  to  Miss  NELL  'DU 
MAURIER  as   a  French  maid,  and  tc 
Miss  NANCY  YORK  as  a  precocious  am 
oncoming  young  thing.     Miss  DAIS'S 
ATHERTON  played  well,  but  was  ham 
pered  by  a  lover  who  was  rather  stickj 
in  a  thankless  part.     Miss  ANTON 
spoke  as  if  she  were  really  saying  gooc 
things;  but  this  was  a  misapprehension 
The   little    play  had  its   longueurs 
but  they  were  as   nothing  comparec 
with  those  of  the  intervals.    The  per 
formance    held    the    interest    of    ai 
audience  not  too  intelligent  (if  one  ma 
judge  from  the  fact  that  a  good  many  o 
them  never  found  out  till  the  end  tha 
the  husband  and  the  burglar  were  one) ; 
but  it  was  their  patience  in  the  inter- 
vals that  more  than  anything  else  im- 
pressed me  with  the  prehensile  quality 


SOUR    GRAPES. 

["  I  would  like  to  see  the  poets  elevated  to  a 
laee  beside  UTS.  Beeton."— Mr.  Dixon  Scott.] 

ET  those  who  will  aspire  to  fill 
The  shelves  of  calf  and  vellum 
Where  poets  wait  to  titillate 
The  cultured  cerebellum ; 
y,  let  them  crave  a  binding  brave 
With  lots  of  gaudy  gilt  on 
b  stand  there  shut,  unread,  uncut, 
With      SHAKSPEARE,     BURNS      and 
MILTON. 

[ot  mine  to  bore  young  brats  with  lore 

Of  what  analysis  is, 
for  may  my  verse  become  the  curse 

Of  little  pig-tailed  misses, 
)iscoursed  upon  by  learned  don 

And  dry-as-dust  professor — 
?he  spot  my  muse  would  rather  choose 

Is  on  the  kitchen  dresser. 

What  joy  were  mine  if  Mary  Jine, 

When  menus  overweighed  her, 
Would  turn  from  dreams  of  tarts  and 


of  the  entertainment. 


0.  S. 


creams 

To  trifles  I  purveyed  her ! 
iach  time  that  need  arose  to  feed 
Her  sacred  fire  'twould  fall  so 
Chat  while  her  pot  was  thus  kept  hot 
She  'd  keep  mine  boiling  also. 

Yes,  down  below  I  fain  would  go 

To  set  the  kitchen  sobbing  : 
There  may  my  heart  have  power  to  start 

The  cook's  great  heart  a-throbbing. 
There  isles  of  grease  shall  never  cease 

Appearing  on  my  pages, 
And  I  '11  have  flung  my  lot  among 

The  sage,  if  not  the  sages. 

TOWSER. 

I  MET  him  on  a  July  Sunday  after- 
noon in  Hyde  Park.  Several  dogs 
were  amusing  themselves  bringing 
chips  of  wood  out  of  the  Serpentine 
for  the  visitors  to  throw  in.  And  this 
fellow  appeared  to  be  stage-managing 
the  show.  A  rough  Scotch  Terrier  cun 
Dandie  Dinmont,  with  matted  towslec 
silver-grey  hair  and  a  gaily  waving  tail 
He  disdained  to  touch  the  chips  him 
self.  He  gave  instructions  to  the  othe: 
fellows.  Swimming  out  after  even 
piece  as  it  was  thrown  in,  he  circlei 
round  it  and  swore  until  it  had  been 
seized  upon  and  removed  by  the  neares 
unemployed  dog.  Sometimes  he  wouL 
make  a  dash  for  the  shore,  look  roum 
for  a  nice  new  summery  frock,  anc 
shake  himself  dry  in  its  immediat 
neighbourhood.  The  resulting  scream 
and  giggles,  alarums  and  excursions 
always  made  him  roll  on  the  floor  i 
fits  of  laughter;  then  into  the  wate 
again  he  'd  leap  with  a  shout  of,  "  Nov 
then,  you  fellows,  get  those  chips  ou 


ill  you  !  "     Eeally  a  jolly  dog  to  meet 
n  a  dull  day. 

At  last  a  sudden  shower  scattered- 

e  visitors  and  all  the  dogs,  except 
ny  stage  manager.  When  the  poor 
eggar  realised  this  unexpected  deser- 
4on  he  gazed  at  the  world  in  amazed 
ilence  for  a  moment  or  two.  Then  he 
ave  a  contemptuous  bark  expressive 
f  his  private  opinion  of  dogs  and 
umans  afraid  of  rain,  and  set  himself 
o  collect  all  the  chips  still  floating  in 
be  water.  These  he  piled  carefully  in. 

heap  on  the  sand,  looked  invitingly 
t  the  nearest  group  of  people  under 
he  dripping  trees,  and  barked  in  eager 
nticipation  of  joys  to  he  repeated  .  .  . 
3ause  .  .  .  Another  intimation  to  tha 
world  that  it  might  come  and  amuse 
tself  with  his  sticks.  .  .  .  Then,  as 
he  truth  dawned  upon  him,  with  slow- 
.escending,  disappointed  tail,  he  sat 
'own  and  wept ! 

In  the  guise  of  a  Good  Samaritan  I 
ntroduced  myself.  After  a  little  per- 
uasion  he  decided  he  would  be  com- 
orted.  Never  had  heard  of  Eachcl, 
>ut  thought  she  must  have  been  rather 
,illy  to  keep  on  iu  that  way  when 
chocolate  creams.  ...  By  the  way, 
was  Eachel  offered  the  same  kind  of 
jreams?  I  explained  that  I  did  not 
mow  very  much  about  the  lady,  and 
jradually  drew  him  on  to  talk  about 
limself. 

He  was  an  outcast,  he  told  me. 
Never  had  a  father,  and  could  only 
dimly  remember  his  mother.  Never 
jeen  in  constant  employment.  No, 
ladn't  applied  to  the  Labour  Ex- 
changes; had  no  faith  in  them.  Picked 
up  a  living  as  best  he  could  as  a 
Butcher's-Boot-Dodger.  And  came  to 
Byde  Park  whenever  he  could  spare 
the  time.  The  grass  was  lovely  to  roll 
on,  but  the  water  was  a  treat  beyond 
words.  Admitted  that  getting  people 
to  throw  sticks  into  the  Serpentine  was 
not  what  could  be  called  a  high  form 
of  intellectual  recreation  for  a  dog  with 
his  organising  capacity,  but  urged 
that  as  a  pastime  he  enjoyed  it,  and 
with  his  limited  leisure  hours  he  had 
to  be  content  with  what  offered  in  that 
way.  No,  did  not  know  anything 
about  rabbits.  Believed  he  had  heard 
other  fellows  tell  tales  of  adventures 
with  things  with  a  name  like  that,  but 
didn't  credit  'em.  Knew  more  about 
cats  than  he  cared  to  tell  to  a  strangei 
—  but  rabbits,  no.  Was  too  know- 
ing a  Londoner  to  be  caught  with  such 
chaff.  Knew  very  well  there  were  no 
such  things  as  those  outside  Christmas 
Trees. 

It  was  a  mean  thing  to  do,  I  know 
but  a  dog  that  has  never  chasei 
rabbits  and  calmly  calls  you  a  liar  (a 


JANUARY  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


71 


f 


Huntsman  (galloping  to  ah  lloak).  "  WHERE'S  THE  FOX  CONE  ?  ' 

Bay.  "WE  DE'UXT  A-HOLIERIN'  NO  FOX.     WE  BE  CIIEEKIN'  'CAUSE  COUSIN  MAGGIE'S  M'ON  A  MIZZLE  IN  FIKSSIDS  SKIPS." 


gently  as  his  native  London  politeness 
and  remembrance  of  recent  chocolates 
will  allow)  when  you  insist  that  rabbits 
are  real  living  entities  and  not  myths 
or  idle  visions  of  a  dog's  dream, 
well,  that  sort  of  animal  puts  you  on 
your  mettle,  don't  you  know.  I  re- 
solved that  he  should  eat  his  words — 
and  also  his  rabbits  if  he  cared.  I  stole 
the  brute  I  I  tempted  him  with  choco- 
late creams,  and  he  followed  me  to 
Euston,  where  I  took  a  ticket  to 
Scotland  for  him. 

Towser  and  I  went  to  an  hotel  on 
the  East  coast  at  a  place  where  rabbits 
are  at  a  discount,  and  next  morning  I 
took  him  along  the  cliffs  to  be  initiated. 
He  exhibited  a  mild  interest  in  the 
new  variety  of  scents  to  be  found, 
tracked  a  few  smells  on  the  footpaths 
to  little  holes  in  the  ground,  wondeied 
a  good  deal  at  the  big  stretch  of  water 
— into  which  he  tried  to  jump  from  the 
top  of  a  cliff  200  feet  high — but,  on  the 
whole,  looked  unutterably  bored,  until 
Brer  Rabbit  appeared.  Then  he  sat 
down  and  laughed.  I  hissed  him  at 
the  game,  but  my  friend  sat  and  grinned 
up  at  me.  "  It 's  a  good  joke,  guv'nor," 
he  said,  "  but  you  don't  get  over  me 
with  a  Teddy-bear.  I  know  them 
tilings."  Brer  Eabbit  hopped  off  a 


bit.  Towser  stood  up  and  stared. 
Brer  Rabbit  tui  ned  towards  us.  Towser 
put  his  tail  between  his  legs  and  bolted 
for  home ! 

Next  day  he  waited  to  see  if  Brer 
Rabbit  would  really  attack  him  before 
he  moved.  As  nothing  happened  he 
made  friendly  overtures,  which  Brer 
Rabbit  resented  and  ran  away  from. 
Then  came  the  great  awakening.  There 
were  hundreds  of  these  things  about, 
and  every  one  of  them  was  afraid  of 
him — of  him,  Towser — and  they  dis- 
appeared like  taxicabs  before  you  could 
make  up  your  mind  which  to  catch. 
This  was  something  like,  this  was  the 
land  of  real  adventure,  this — oh,  JOY  ! ! ! 
.  .  .  I  lost  him  that  day.  He  re- 
turned to  the  hotel  at  night  a  physical 
wreck.  Chasing  hundreds  of  disappear- 
ing scuts  without  a  working  plan  in 
his  head  must  be  hard  work  for  an 
inexperienced  dog.  But  the  joy  of 
battle  was  in  his  eye.  And  next  morn- 
ing I  discovered  that  he  had  learned  to 
associate  the  scents  on  the  paths  with 
the  disappearing  fluffs,  acd  both  with 
the  holes  in  the  ground.  He  had 
apparently  been  working  at  the  problem 
overnight,  for  without  the  slightest 
hesitation  he  made  straight  for  a  rabbit- 
hole  as  soon  as  we  reached  the  cliffs, 


and,  in  his  efforts  to  get  the  prize, 
jammed  himself  so  far  and  so  tightly 
in  that  I  had  to  dig  him  out.  He  did 
not  stop  to  thank  me,  but,  full  of  the 
joy  of  life,  with  short,  sharp,  eager 
yelps,  ran  from  hole  to  hole  shouting 
for  the  denizens  to  come  forth  and  give 
a  fellow  a  chance.  ... 

Later  in  the  day  I  heard  my  friend 
whining  pitiably.     On  going  in  search 
of  him  I  found  Towser  pawing  gently 
,  a  little  rabbit  he  had  done  to  death, 
'  turning  it  over  and  over,  and  trying  to 
lick  it  back  to  life  again.     He  looked 
|  up  at  me  mournfully.     "  He  's  stopped 
playing  with   me,  guv'nor,"  he  said; 
"  there 's  something  gone  wrong  with 
him."     And  he  licked  it  again  caress- 
ingly and  whined. 


The  Dublin  Evening  Mail's  advice  to 
those  about  to  repair  tablecloths : — 

"  Lay  the  tablecloth  quite  flat,  with  the  hole 
uppcimtst." 

But  why   not   keep   the  hole    under- 
most ?    Then  nobody  would  notice  it. 


The  judges  for  the  Oxford  Circuit 
are  Mr.  Justice  BKAY  and  Mr.  Justice 
BANKES.  "  Ye  Banks  and  Braes." 


72 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


[JANUARY  25,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

IT  does  not  often  happen  that  I  am  disappointed  in  a 
HEINEMANN  novel,  but  1  confess  that,  till  about  half-way 
through,  I  thought  Young  Life  was  going  to  prove  one  of  the 
exceptions.  Even  after  the  interest  had  quickened,  I  can- 
not say  that  the  reading  of  it  gave  me  all  the  enjoyment 
I  had  b?gun  by  anticipating,  though  I  freely  admit  that 
Miss  JESSIE  LECKIE  HEHBERTSON  has  written  a  clever  and 
original  book.  What  plot  it  contains  is  of  the  slightest,  the 
interest  being  provided  by  a  character-study  of  a  girl, 
Hester  Stanton,  the  orphaned  ward  of  Stephen  Gar  field, 
whoso  "  young  life "  it  is  that,  coming  into  the  placid 
existence  of  a  number  of  middle-aged  persons,  leavens  it 
with  most  mischievous  results  to  their  peace  of  mind.  At 
least,  this  is  the  scheme  of  the  tale  as  I  understood  it ; 
but  the  fact  is  that  Miss  HEBBERTSON'S  style  is  so  bafflingly 
elusive  that  much  of  her  intention  may  well  have  escaped 
me.  Of  course,  in  the  end  Hester  marries  Garfield — wards 
and  guardians  are  the  matrimonial  certainties  of  fiction — 
but  before  this  is  settled, 
we  have  the  episode,  far ! 
the  best  thing  in  the  book, 
to  my  mind,  of  Mary , 
Leverson,  the  rather  prig- 
gish matron,  and  the  mu- 
sician, Dalziel.  Even 
here,  however,  Miss  HER- 
BERTSON  tends  to  over-  j 
burden  a  clever  idea  with 
adverbial  description; 
throughout  one  feels  that 
(in  the  words  of  the  poet) 
it  is  "  not  what  he  said, 
but  the  way  that  he  said 
it "  which  is  her  chief  con- 
cern. And  too  much  of 
this  makes  inevitably  for 
weariness.  When  Miss 
HERBERTSONhas  mastered 
a  more  restrained  and  _ 
simpler  medium,  her  real 
chance  thai  it  deserves. 


Moreover  (history  apart) 

Intrigue  and  love  and  thrilling  foray 

Are  blended  with  seductive  art 

Throughout  the  book  (produced  by  LAURIE). 

Mountain  of  Gold  (MILLS  AND  BOON)  ends  where  it 
began,  but  is  quite  enjoyable  in  the  part  between.  Miss 
E.  S.  STEVENS  was,  I  imagine,  divided  between  an  inclina- 
tion to  discourse  upon  the  religious,  philosophical,  social 
and  political  controversies  of  the  Near  East,  and  a  desire 
to  write  a  sex-problem  novel.  Mrs.  Grcvilh  and  1-tobcrt 
Undencood,  whom  she  sends  to  Mount  Carmel,  are  both 
typical  of  the  enterprising  European,  but  handicapped,  the 
one  by  an  absentee  husband,  the  other  by  a  pair  of  crutches. 
Jointly  and  severally  they  undergo  a  sequence  of  incidents, 
receive  a  number  of  impressions,  and  impart  their  views  to 
each  other  in  able,  if  unusual,  dialogue.  The  incidents  are 
well  told  and  of  considerable  interest ;  the  impressions  are 
striking  and  subtly  impressed ;  there 
characterisation,  and  on  the  whole 
together  a  good  book.  She  may  call  it  a 


is    much    clever 
our  author   has   put 


likes  (almost 


novel 


if  she 

anything  written  comes  under  that  elastic 
—  [term,  even  if  illustrated, 
as  this  is,  with  photo- 
graphs) ;  but  if  she  does  I 
shall  not  call  it  a  good 
novel.  The  dramatic 
touch  is  wanting,  and  the 
reader  is  not  at  any  mo- 
ment excited,  curious,  or 
even  intrigued  to  know 
how  it  all  ends.  The 
truth  is  that  it  never  does 
end,  as  it  really  never 
began,  but  while  it  lasts 
it  is  entertaining  and 
suggestive  and  certainly 
worth  reading. 


STUDY  IN  EXPRESSION  AT  AN  AMATEUR  DRESS  REHEARSAL. 
GENTLEMAN  WITH  A  ONE  LINE  PART  WAITS  FOR  HIS  CUE. 


intuitive  skill  will   have   the 


The  days  of  good  Queen  BESS  we  see, 

And  those  of  traitor  STUART  MART 
(Or  sainted  M.  and  wanton  B. — 

You  take  your  choice  ;  opinions  vary)— 
These  stirring  times  we  find  displayed, 

If  not  exactly  at  their  greatest, 
Still,  entertainingly  portrayed 

In  Pain  the  Fiddler,  SUTCLIFFE'S  latest. 

"  Not  at  their  greatest."     That  implies 

That  for  his  tale  our  author  uses 
No  Spanish  galleon's  high  emprise, 

No  circumnavigating  cruises; 
Only  some  fiery  bickering 

With  those  who  deemed  it  heaven's  order 
That  they  should  oust  Queen  BESS  and  bring 

Queen  MARY  from  across  the  Border. 

It 's  nought  against  the  tale,  of  course, 
That  it  should  deal  with  minor  matters ; 

This  theme  is  fresh  and  those  perforce 
Are  very  nearly  worn  to  tatters ; 


The  scene  of  F.  WARHE 
CORNISH'S  Danvell  Stories 
(CONSTABLE)  is  laid  in  the 
country  which  belongs  "by 
geography  to  the  Midlands,  by  character  to  the  Northern 
Counties — a  land  of  grave  aspect,"  and  so  it  is  perhaps 
natural  that  the  heroes  and  heroines  of  these  tales  should 
not  be  especially  exciting  people.  Apart  from  one  dramatic 
and  unexpected  calamity  the  author  has  avoided  sensational 
incident,  and  although  I  feel  that  the  analysis  of  character 
is  thoroughly  sound,  I  feel  also  that  it  is  rather  dull — like, 
if  I  may  say  so,  the  analysis  of  a  bowler  who  is  thinking 
more  of  maidens  than  of  wickets.  Still,  I  have  been  able 
to  derive  some  placid  enjoyment  from  this  book,  for  if  it 
does  not  reveal  striking  powers  of  imagination  it  is,  at  any 
rate,  full  of  conscientious  workmanship. 

"Airmen  are  extremely  fond  of  mascots.  From  the  death-rate 
amongst  them,  we  should  fancy  it  was  not  only  foolish  but  a  dangerous 
superstition.  "—Stutfiild  Guardian. 

Let  this  pass,  though  one  would  have  thought  that  if  it 
was  foolish  there  was  nothing  in  it,  and  so  it  could  not  be 
very  dangerous  :  but  when  the  writer  goes  on  to  say  :— 

"It  is  curious  the  superstitions  of  sausages  should  flourish  in  a 
century  of  science," 

we  confess  that  he  is  taking  us  right  out  of  our  depth. 


"Rat-killing   has  been  stopped   at   Hadlei 
sufficient  T&\.s.—Halstcad  Gazelle. 
Of   all 


;h,  Suffolk,    for  want  of 


unsporting 
Hadleigh. 


animals   commend   us   to   the   rats   of 


FKIIRUABY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


73 


CHARIVARIA. 

"  IT  is  expected  that  the  wedding  of 
Lord  CHELSEA  and  Miss  MARIE  COXON 
will  take  place  before  tho  Coronation." 
This  will  be  a  relief  to  the  Coronation 


Committee,  who  had 
events  might  clash. 


feared  that  the 


"Liberal  Opinion"  has  been  mulcted 
in  Liberal  damages,  and  yet  it  is  not- 
pleased.  .,,  .,, 


been  found  in  large  numbers  off  the 
coast  of  Morocco."  One  day,  perhaps, 
the  thrilling  story  of  this  escapade 
will  be  told  in  full,  showing  how,  tired 
of  tho  constant  attacks  made  on  them, 
the  little  iish  one  night,  under  cover  of 
darkness,  when  the  Bretons  were  sleep- 
ing, stole  away,  swam  silently  without 
a  stop  to  the  Mediterranean,  there 
lived  for  some  time  a  life  of  ease  and 
luxury  within  touch  of  the  African 


The  question  whether 
Ulster  is  arming  or  not 
is  still  being  discussed 
by  some  of  our  news- 
papers. All  we  can  say 
is  that  an  ulster  with- 
out arms  would  be  a 

fairly  useless  article. 

%  * 
* 

"  Mr.  ZEE,  the  new 
Chinese  Attache,  has 
arrived  in  London."  It 
is,  we  believe,  an  open 
secret  that  he  may  be 
elected  an  bonorary 
member  of  the  Society 
of  Somersetshire  Men. 

In  regard  to  the 
Flushing  fortification 
project  the  official  view 
of  the  German  Foreign 
Office  is  stated  to  be 
that,  as  a  Sovereign 
Power,  Holland  has  the 
right  to  do  as  she  pleases 
in  her  own  territory.  It 
will  be  a  rare  joke  if 
Holland  takes  advan- 
tage of  this  permission. 


.*.  * 
We  have  before 


al- 
luded to  the  way  in 
which  the  candour  of 
some  newspaper  pla- 
cards stultifies  the  reti- 
cence of  others.  There 
is  always  at  least  one 
blackleg  among  them. 
\Vo  were  anxious,  the 
other  day,  to  know  the 
issue  of  a  certain  slan- 
fler  case.  We  saw  "  RESULT  "  on  a 
contents  bill,  and  put  our  hand  in  our 
pocket.  Then  we  remarked  another 
bill: —  "RESULT 

DAMAGES." 

We  still  hesitated — until  a  third  pla- 
card caught  our  eje : — 
" RESULT 
HEAVY  DAMAGES." 

Tins  was  all  we  wanted  to  know,  and 
we  retained  our  coin. 

•-I:     :]: 
# 

"  The  sardines  which  left  the  coast 
of  Brittany,"  a  telegram  tells  us,  "  have 


The  Critic.  "MY  DEAR,  JUST  FANCY  HAVING  YOUR  PORTRAIT  PAINTED  IN  YOUR 

CAR.      WHY,    A   MOTOR-CAR  GOES  OUT  OF  FASHION   IK  A  SINGLE  YEAR  !  " 


Riviera,  ultimately  to  be  discovered  and 
harried  once  more. 

Mile.  MARTHE  STEINHEIL,  it  is  re- 
ported from  Paris,  has  taken  the  veil, 
and  become  a  Carmelite  nun.  This 
has  caused  a  considerable  amount  of 
quiet  gratification  at  Carmelite  House, 
where  it  is  taken  as  a  compliment 
to  the  admirable  way  in  which  the 
sensational  case  was  reported  in  The 
Daily  Mail. 

*  * 

It  is  denied  that  the  late  Sir  FRANCIS 


GALTON  was  the  inventor  of  the  system 
of  identification  by  finger-prints.  It  is 
good  to  know  that  what  was  considered 
by  a  certain  section  of  His  MAJESTY'S 
subjects  to  be  an  ugly  blemish  on  an 
otherwise  useful  career  has  now  been 
removed.  ...  ... 

A  Local  Government  Board  enquiry 
has  been  held  at  Wolverhampton  to  de- 
cide what  shall  be  done  with  the  South 
Staffordshire  Smallpox 
Hospital,  which  was 
erected  six  years  ago  at 
a  cost  of  £18,000,  and 
has  not  had  a  single 
patient.  It  is  thought 
that  a  strong  appeal  to 
local  patriotism  will  be 
recommended,  calling 
upon  public  -  spirited 
residents  to  acquire  the 
requisite  disease  within 
a  stated  period. 

V 

A  stag  which  was 
uncarted  preparatory 
to  a  run  with  Lord 
ROTHSCHILD'S  Stag- 
hounds,  the  other  day, 
near  Leighton  Buzzard, 
got  on  the  railway  line 
and  was  killed  by  an 
express  train  almost  at 
once.  Now  that  the 
superiority  of  express 
trains  over  stag-hounds 
has  been  demonstrated, 
it  is  thought  that  the 
former  will  be  exclu- 
sively employed  in  the 
future  by  wealthy  hunt- 
ing-men. ...  % 

From  The  Da ily  Mail 
Fashion  Page : — 
"  NOVELTY  OF  THE 
WEEK. 

Citarmi  far  Coronation 
Year  Bridesmaids." 

The  insinuation  that  the 
bridesmaids  of  this  year 
are  lacking  in  charms 
has  caused  no  little  pain 
in  some  quarters. 


An  oculist,  interviewed  by  The  Minor, 
has  been  recommending  one  to  roll 
one's  eyes  round  and  round  as  a  means 
of  strengthening  the  vision.  The  only 
difficulty,  we  imagine,  is  taking  the  eye 
out  and  putting  it  back  again,  but  no 
doubt  this  only  requires  a  little  practice. 

Aviation  in  this  country  has  received 
a  serious  set  -  back.  Damages  were 
awarded  last  week  to  a  gentleman  who 
was  injured  at  the  Star  and  Garter 
Hotel,  Kew  Bridge,  by  a  flying  cork. 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  1.  1911. 


THOUGHTS    ON    THE    COMING    CENSUS. 

[Due  April  2,  1911.] 
ARAMINTA,  ere  the  statistician 

Conies  to  take  his  census-toll, 
And,  behaving  like  the  Inquisition, 

Bids  you  bare  your  secret  soul, 
Let  me  now,  two  months  before  the  day,  seize 

Such  a  chance  to  air  my  gift  for  gag  ; 
Let  me  write  at  once  Eheufugaces  ! 

Ere  the  pens  begin  to  wag 
Of  my  rivals  busy  working  off  the  old  Horatian  tag. 

Envious  Time,  that  often  likes  to  print  a 

Crow's-foot  on  the  ageing  cheak, 
Favours  your  fa9ade,  my  Araminta, 

Leaves  it  superfinely  sleek  ; 
Yes,  the  years  for  you  have  been  soft-handed, 

Still  —  for  moments  fly  (this  must  be  so)— 
You  are  not  the  same  young  thing,  so  candid, 

Who,  but  just  ten  springs  ago, 

Lightly  told  the  fact-collector  every  word  he  wished 
to  know. 

Twenty-one  you  were  and  un-selfconscious, 

As  became  the  prime  of  youth, 
Never  nursed  a  doubt,  like  PILATE  (PONTIUS), 

On  the  attributes  of  Truth  ; 
But  with  riper  years  I  shouldn't  wonder 

If,  in  drawing  up  this  next  report, 
On  the  point  of  age  you  made  a  blunder 

Of  a  not  unusual  sort  ; 
No,  it  wouldn't  greatly  shock  me  if  you  got  the  total 


I  have  noticed,  when  they  reach  the  stages 

Where  conjecture  serves  for  guide, 
Women,  if  they  err  about  their  ages, 

Err  upon  the  minus  side  ; 
Thus,  when  April  rounds  the  decade's  circuit 

And  you  do  the  little  sum  that  's  set 
(10  +  21),  I  think  you  '11  work  it 

Out  at  27,  net  ; 
27  is  the  answer  which  I  seem  to  see  you  get. 

And  with  every  ten  years,  as  they  flow  on, 

You  will  add  a  lessening  few 
To  A  our  summers  —  five  and  four  and  so  on, 

Sticking  fast  at  forty-two  ; 
There  in  future,  permanently  dated, 

You  '11  defy  the  periodic  quest, 
Till  in  due  course  by  the  gods  translated 

To  the  Islands  of  the  Blest, 

Where  the  decades  cease  from    troubling    and    th 
queries  are  at  rest.  O.  S. 


A    PHOTOGRAPHER'S    POST-BAG. 

[" ,  the  photographer,  of ,  having  purchased  a 

aeroplane,  ig  desirous  of  placing  same  at  the  disposal  of  budding  airmen 
who  may  be  photographed  on  it.  Passenger  flights  can  also  be  arranged. 
— Morning  1'osf. 

THE  following  correspondence  is  anticipated  as  an  oul 
come  of  the  above  advertisement : — 

LORD  CUBZON  OF  KEDLESTON  begs  to  inform  Mr. 

that  he  will  be  very  glad  to  sit  for  his  portrait,  if  a  suitabl 
caparisoned  elephant,  with  competent  mahout,  can  be  i 
attendance  next  Friday  afternoon  at  2.30  p.m.  Lor 
CUHZON  OF  KEDLESTON  has  little  doubt  that  the  enterpris 


hown  by  Mr.  —    — -in  consulting  the  taste  of  his 
autic  clientele-will  enable  him  to  provide  a  proper mise-en- 
cene    on    the   present    occasion.     In   case   there   is   any-, 
ifficulty,  however,  Lord  CUBZON  OF  KEDLESTON  suggests 

bat    Mr.   should  approach   the    authorities   at   the 

oological   Gardens,  stating  the  purpose   for   which  the 
lephant  will  be  required. 

DEAR  SIR, — I  am  instructed  by  the   HOME   SECRETARY 

0  inform  you  that  if  you  can  furnish  convincing  guarantees 
hat  the  men  who  will  take  part  in  your  realistic  group, 
;  Winston    the    Conqueror,"    are    genuine    and   desperate 
.narchists,  he  will  be  very  glad  to  give  you  a  sitting  next 
Monday  morning. 

Faithfully  yours,  E.  H.  MARSH. 

Home  Office. 

DEAR  SIR, — I  am  anxious  to  celebrate  the  impending 
.wenty-fifth  anniversary  of  the  appearance  of  my  monu- 
mental monograph  on  the  Mammoth  and  the  Flood;  With 
a  view  to  placing  on  record  this  interesting  event  in  a 
suitably  pictorial  manner,  my  friend,  the  Editor  of  The 
Times — to  whose  journal  I  have  contributed  more  than 
.0,000  columns  of  correspondence — has  suggested  that  I 
should  be  photographed  with  him  and  a  specimen  of  the 
gigantic  but  unhappily  extinct  quadruped  mentioned  above. 
'  should  be  glad  if  you  could  arrange  to  procure  either  a 
skeleton  or  a  good  "  reconstitution  "  of  one  of  the  mummies 
discovered  in  the  frozen  tundras  of  Northern  Siberia  [Here 
a  column  and  a  half  of  interesting  matter  dealing  with 
the  Flood,  Mr.  Cobden  and  other  cognate  subjects  is  un- 
avoidably omitted]  and  let  us  know  on  what  day  and  at 
what  hour  it  would  suit  you  for  myself  and  the  Editor  of 
The  Times  to  attend.  I  proposa  to  appear  in  costume 
suitable  to  the  geographical  habitat  of  the  Elephas  primi- 
qenius,  i.e.  a  long  walrus-hide  coat  with  stereognathous 
leggings  and  sandals  of  mercerized  mink.  The  Editor  of 
The  Times  will  probably  appear  as  a  hunter  or  trapper 
with  a  kinkajou  cape,  a  waistcoat  of  striped  bandicoot, 
and  Turkish  trousers  of  padded  wolverene,  with  tigerskin 
spats  and  Boston  rubbers. 

Faithfully  yours,       H.  H.  HOWORTH. 
Mastodon  Mansions. 

DEAR  SIR, — Seeing  that  you  make  a  speciality  of  realistic 
surroundings,  I  beg  to  call  your  attention  to  the  fact  that 

1  am  prepared  to  let  you  have,  at  most  reasonable  terms, 
first-rate  massive  family  vault,  never  used  owing  to  bank- 
ruptcy of  the  gentleman  who  ordered  it.     Would  make  a 
superb  background  to  full-length  portrait  of  Mr.  ALGERNON 
ASHTON.  Yours  faithfully,      MORTLE  BROS. 

Euston  Road. 

Mr.  WILLIAM  LE  QUEUX  presents  his  compliments  to 

Mr. and  regrets  that  he  is  unable  to  avail  himself  of 

Mr. 's  offer.     His  position  renders  it  undesirable  that 

he  should  be  photographed  in  the  entourage  of  any  but  a 
reigning  or  de  facto  sovereign. 

DEAR  SIR, — As  I  have  been  pressed  by  a  great  many  ol 
my  readers  to  prefix  my  portrait  to  my  next  volume  ol 
poems,  "  The  Ecstasy  of  Effusion,"  I  should  be  obliged  if 
you  could  let  me  know  whether  you  possess  amongst  your 
scenic  outfit  such  a  thing  as  a  genuine  college  window,  at 
which  you  could  pose  me  in  a  suitably  introspective 
attitude.  Believe  me  to  be, 

Faithfully  yours,       A.  C.  BENSON. 

Magdalene  College,  Cambridge. 

DEAR  SIR, — Please  expect  me  at  10  sharp  to-morrow 
with  my  fiance.  Yours  winningly,  ZENA  DARE. 


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FEBRUARY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


77 


THE     BUTLER    SCANDALISES. 

[Being  a  s|>ecimen  of  the  new  Society  journal- 
jm  for  American  consumption.  See  "  House- 
holler's"  recent  letter  to  T/ie  Times.] 

DEAR  MADAM, — I  take  up  my  pen  to 
»ive  you  another  batch  of  good  gossip 
[or  our  lively  cousins  on  the  other  side 
of  the  Great  Pond  to  repeat  to  each 
other  through  their  nasal  organs  over 
their  pie  and  gum,  which  are,  I  under- 
stand, their  national  provender,  washed 
down  with  cocktails  and  iced  water. 
To  one  who,  like  myself,  prefers  his 
meals  beefy  and  regular,  it  is  a  problem 
bow  the  Americans  live  at  all ;  but 
however  short  their  lives  may  be  they 
tip  merrily  and  brightly  while  they 
last.  Which  reminds  me,  dear  Madam, 
that  I  have  not  yet  received  any  remu- 
neration for  my  last  letter.  Times 
under  the  present  Government  being 
so  hard,  I  must  request  a  speedy  re- 
mittance. 

My  principal  item  of  news  comes 
from  a  scrupulously  untainted  source 
— no  less  a  person  than  Sir  Elihu 
Crusher's  own  valet  having  given  it  to 
me.  Sir  Elihu,  it  seems,  recently 
opened  a  new  branch  at  Chelmsford, 
and  who  do  you  think  was  the  first 
customer?  Lady  Wirridge's  French 
maid,  for  a  shilling's-worth  of  rat 
poison.  When  I  tell  you  that  Lord 
Wirridge  lias  since  been  very  ill  and 
that  the  French  maid  has  disappeared, 
you  will  no  doubt  draw  such  conclu- 
sions as  America  requires. 

You  know,  of  course,  that  LORD 
GEORGE  SANQER  gave  up  the  circus 
business  some  few  years  since.  I  have 
it  on  the  best  authority  that  his  Lord- 
ship cannot  feel  comfortable  at  night 
or  get  good  repose  without  a  Teddy 
bear  on  the  counterpane  at  the  foot  of 
the  bed.  His  Lordship  has  recently 
been  visited  by  Sir  JOSEPH  LYONS,  and 
this,  too,  has  reminded  him  pleasantly 
of  old  times. 

The  latest  news  of  Sir  JOHN  BARKER, 
of  Kensington,  is  that  his  establish- 
ment was  visited  recently  by  the 
Duchess  of  Sunderland  under  the 
impression  that  it  was  Harrod's  Stores, 
but  she  stayed  there  and  made  a 
number  of  purchases,  including  a  Vir- 
ginia ham.  I  had  this  from  a  friend 
of  mine  in  the  Packing  department, 
and  can  vouch  for  it. 

Perhaps  a  few  facts  concerning 
gratuities  (or  honoraria)  might  yield 
material  for  one  of  your  spicy  and 
highly-paid  articles.  The  Earl  oi 
Rosherville  gives  butlers  ten  shillings 
and  footmen  five  ;  keepers  a  sovereign 
The  largest  present  I  ever  received  was 
a  fiver  from  the  late  Marquis  of  Clac- 
ton,  but  its  value  was  depreciated  by 
his  borrowing  ten  pounds  from  me 


THE    STAY-AS-YOU-PLEASE    CINEMA    PALACE. 

Bay  (to  Lady  just  arrived).  "PLEASE,  WILL  YOU  TELL  ME  THE  TIME,  LADYT" 

Lady.   "HALF-PAST  ELEVEN." 

Boy.  "WILL  YOU  PLEASE  TELL  ME  WHEN  IT  's  six  O'CLOCK,  LADY,  cos  I  'VB  GOT  TO  GO 

OUT  AND  SELL  PAPERS  !  " 


the  next  day  and"  never  paying  it  back. 
The  readiness  with  which  the  young 
and  more  spirited  nobility  will  extract 
loans  from  men-servants  is  not  the 
least  of  the  blots  on  the  peerage. 

In  conclusion,  dear  Madam,  let  me 
say  that  I  have  three  friends  all  most 
advantageously  placed  to  hear  interest- 
ing things — a  chambermaid  at  the 
Walrus,  a  waiter  at  the  Mermaid 
Eestaurant,  and  a  page  at  the  National 
Radical  Club;  but  they  refuse  to  divulge 
without  a  little  encouragement.  I  must 
therefore  again  request  you  to  forward 
me  something,  if  only  a  trifle,  on 


account.     My   experience   is    that    no 
palm  is  properly  open  until  it  is  oiled. 
Believe  me,  dear  Madam, 

Your  obedient  Servant,    


From  a  letter  in  The  Guardian : — 

"I  wonder  whether  Mrs.  Shearme  has  met 
with  the  description  in  Herodotus  of  the  exces- 
sive hardness  of  the  skulls  of  the  Egyptians, 
and  their  immunity  from  sunstroke  because 
they  cause  their  children  from  earliest  infancy 
to  meet  the  elements  bareheaded." 

HERODOTUS  might  have  gone  on  to  give 
bachelors  some  idea  of  the  precautions 
they  should  adopt. 


78 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1911. 


THE    NOVEL    OF   THE    FUTURE. 

"  Now,  Miss  Barlock,"  I  said  to  my  typist,  as  I  entered 
my  writing  den,  "  if  you  're  quite  ready  we  '11  begin  at  once, 
please.  Title:  THE  SYNTHETIC  PILGHIM;  a  Post-Impres- 
sionist Romance.  Have  you  got  that  ?  "  Miss  Barlock  had 
got  that,  but  she  looked  puzzled,  and,  as  she  seems  to  take 
an  intelligent  interest  in  my  work,  I  thought  it  better  to 
explain  the  idea  before  proceeding.  "  It 's  like  this,"  I 
said ;  "  we  are  assured  by  competent  authorities  that, 
in  spite  of  the  warnings  of  Sir  WILLIAM  EICHMOND,  Sir 
ALFRED  BAST,  Mr.  SAKQENT  and  others,  all  the  Art 
Students  now  at  the  Academy  will  within  the  next  ten 
years  have  become  Post-Impressionists.  That  is,  they  will 
set  down  their  impressions  of  Nature  with  the  technique  of 
a  very  young  child  whose  powers  of  observation  have  not 
had  time  to  become  paralysed  by  any  instruction  in 
drawing.  Well,  Literature,  being  so  closely  allied  to  Art, 
is  quite  certain  to  be  affected  sooner  or  later  by  the  new 
Movement.  It  will  throw  off  the  shackles  of  style  and 
composition,  and  be  primitive  and  go-as-you-please.  I  'in 
going  to  be  the  Pioneer  of  Post-Impressionist  Fiction.  You 
see  what  I  'm  trying  for,  don't  you  ?  Very  well,  then. 
Chapter  One.  The  Hero,  and  how  he  became  a  Pilgrim  : — 

" '  He  was  quite  a  simple  ordinary  kind  of  man.  His 
outlines  were  hard  and  black.  He  had  a  small,  roundish 
head  with  three  dots  in  it,  one  above  the  other.  His  body 
was  triangular,  and  all  down  it  was  a  row  of  little  circles. 
These  were  his  buttons.  His  arms  were  straight  and 
quite  thin.  They  ended  in  three  prongs  like  toasting-forks. 
It  was  the  same  with  his  legs.  .  .  .'  " 

I  noticed  a  slight  elevation  in  Miss  Barlock's  eyebrows 
at  this  point.  "  It 's  all  right,  Miss  Barlock,"  I  assured 
her.  "  I  am  merely  adopting  the  method  by  which  an 
unsophisticated  mind  invariably  represents  the  human 
form.  Probably  that  is  the  shape  in  which  all  of  us 
would  see  it  if  our  vision  had  not  been  warped  by 
civilisation,  or  tradition,  or  something.  Anyhow,  no  one 
ever  yet  failed  to  recognise  that  it  was  a  man.  And  an 
author  may  devote  pages  and  pages  to  description  and 
analysis  of  his  hero  and  never  even  get  as  far  as  that. 
Why,  for  instance,  should  I  tell  the  reader  that  my  Man 
had  long  nervous  muscular  fingers  when  these  simple 
tridents  amply  suffice  to  express  the  handiness  of  his  hands 
and  the  footiness  of  his  feet  ?  .  .  .  You  don't  know  ? 
No  more  do  I — so  let  us  get  on. 

" '  He  lived  in  a  really  and  truly  artistic  house.  It  was 
an  irregular  parallelogram,  and  the  roof  was  bright  pink. 
The  door  and  windows  were  stuck  in  anyhow,  and  there 
were  little  corkscrew-things  coming  out  of  the  chimneys. 
These  were  the  smoke.  There  were  trees  about.  Not  any 
particular  trees,  because  I  don't  know  one  tree  from 
another  and  couldn't  bother  to  describe  them  if  I  did. 
Just  trees  —  with  bright  blue  and  green  and  chocolate 
foliage  like  the  loveliest  woolwork.  There  was  a  bow-wow 
outside  the  house,  and  inside  it  a  fat  cat  sat  on  a  mat. 
But  at  last  the  hero  got  tired  of  living  there,  so  he  called 
for  his  gee-gee.  Gug-gug.'  .  .  .  Yes,  Miss  Barlock,  I  did 
mean  that  to  be  typed.  You  see,  I  'm  taking  the  point  of 
view  of  an  infant  of  very  tender  years,  who  at  this  stage  of 
the  narrative  would  inevitably  make  that  remark.  It  gives 
the  necessary  note  of  nawete,  and  I  shouldn't  wonder 
myself  if  there  were  a  deep  and  subtle  meaning  in  it  some- 
where. So  down  it  goes.  .  .  .  Chapter  Two.  About  His 
Gee-gee: — 'Unless  you  were  told  you  would  not  have 
known  it  for  a  gee-gee  at  all.  It  was  the  sort  of  gee-gee 
you  see  when  it  is  a  long  way  off  and  you  are  rather  short- 
sighted. But  it  was  a  gee-gee  right  enough.  It  had  all 
the  essentials  of  gee-gee-iness.  If  it  hadn't,  our  hero 


wouldn't  have  been  soc-n  with  it.  And  so  he  said  good-bye 
to  his  bow-wow  and  the  fat  cat,  which  couldn't  be  seen 
because  it  was  inside  the  house,  and  he  got  on  his  gee-gee 
and  his  travels  began.  Goo-goo.' 

"  I  insist  on  having  that '  goo-goo  '  typed,  Miss  Barlock," 
I  told  her.  "  It 's  part  of  my  technique.  You  are  merely 
one  of  the  Public,  so  you  mustn't  try  to  dictate  to  me 
bow  I  should  express  my  temperament.  Besides,  I'm 
dictating  to  you  .  .  .  Chapter  Three.  His  Adventures 
among  Masterpieces  : — - 

"  '  Well,  and  so  he  rode  and  he  rode,  till  at  last  he  came  to 
a  country  which  was  entirely  composed  of  little  prismatic 
smuts,  so  that  you  couldn't  make  out  what  it  was  like 
unless  you  went  ever  such  a  distance  off,  and  then  it  was 
disappointing.  So  he  didn't  stay  there  very  long.  And  the 
smuts  did  not  suit  his  gee-gee  at  all.  So  on  they  went  to 
the  next  place,  and  there  the  sky  was  all  neatly  paved  with 
small  slabs  of  paint,  and  the  inhabitants  were  all  completely 
out  of  drawing  and  perspective,  and  had  no  anatomical 
nonsense  about  them.  But  the  gee-gee  wasn't  very  well 
even  there.  .  .  .'" 

Here  Miss  Barlock  ventured  the  criticism  that,  so  far, 
my  novel  did  not  appear  to  have  much  plot.  "  It  has  none 
whatever,"  I  said;  with  some  pride,  "  and  it 's  not  going  to 
have.  I  'm  depicting  Life  as  I  've  observed  it.  Have  I 
detected  any  kind  of  plot  governing  my  own  or  others' 
experiences?  I  have  not.  Then  why,  I  ask  you,  Miss 
Barlock,  should  I  undertake  the  mental  labour  of  inventing 
one  ?  No,  no,  let  us  be  true  to  Nature  as  we  happen  to  see 
it.  ...  Chapter  Four.  His  Further  Adventures  : — 

" '  So  he  got  on  his  gee-gee  again,  and  he  rode  and  he  rode 
and  he  rode.  And  soon  he  came  to  a  land  where  there 
were  huts  and  palm-trees  and  things,  and  all  the  natives 
were  brown  and  quite  flat,  exactly  like  people  made  of 
gingerbread.  Only  they  were  not  so  nice  to  eat.  So 
the  gee-gee  was  very  sick  indeed.  Gug-gug.  Goo-goo- 
goo. 

Miss  Barlock  glanced  up  at  me  over  her  typewriter  with 
some  anxiety.  "  Are  you  quite  sure,"  she  inquired  uneasily, 
that  this  sort  of  thing  will  be  really  popular  '?  " 

"  Not  immediately,"  I  admitted.  "  Every  inventor  of  a 
new  literary  style  has  to  go  through  a  period  of  misunder- 
standing, and  even  derision.  Look  at  CARLYLE  and 
BBOWNING  and  MEREDITH,  for  example !  " 

"  But  surely,"  she  objected,  "  that  isn't  quite  the  same 
thing.  I  mean,  they  didn't  write  like  babies — '  gug-gugging ' 
and  '  goo-goo-ing,'  and  all  that." 

No  doubt  Miss  Barlock  didn't  mean  to  do  it,  but  some- 
how she  put  me  off.  I  have  made  no  further  progress  with 
my  great  Post-Impressionist  Novel.  But  it  is  merely  biding 
its  tune.  F.  A. 


Commercial  Candour. 

"It  would  seem  possible  that  almost  any  woman,  no  matter  what  the 
extent  or  depth  of  her  wrinkles,  might  have  been  removed  entirely  and 
for  ever  by  means  of  this  lucky  discovery." — Advt. 


"'Women's  Friendships'  forms  the  subject  of  an  article  in  the 
February  number  of  'The  Quiver,'  written  by  Dr.  Elizabeth  Sloan 
Chesser.  A  description  of  the  foreign  churches  in  London,  illustrated 
by  photographs,  throws  a  light  on  this  subject." — Publishers'  Circular. 

Not  a  searchlight,  of  course,  nor  the  fierce  kind  that  beats 
upon  a  throne;  but  just  a  few  candle-power — a  sort  of  dim 
religious  light. 


"Mr.  is  too  well-known  locally  to  begin  expatiating  at  any 

length  upon  his  vocal  excellencies." — Ilkley  Oaaetts. 

The  writer  shows  a  wise  caution. 


FKHKUAKY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


79 


JOURNALISM    IN    THE    COUNTRY    HOUSE. 

SKK  I'lin  Tin  us  ox  THE  UECKNT  RKVKI.ATIONM  OF  THE  WAY  IN  WHICH  KCANDAL  ABOUT  KKCI.IHII  SOCIETY  GETS  INTO 
AMERICA*  PRESS  THROUGH  INFORMATION  SI-I-I-LICU  BY  SEKVAM.S. 


THE  SECOND  FOOTMAN  NEARLY  GIVES  HIMSELF  AWAY  WHILF. 
GETTING  MATERIAL  FOB  HIS  COLUMN  IN  THE  MlLWAVKEf 
SricK-Box. 


THE  BOOT  BOY  GETS  EXCLUSIVE  INFORMATION  FOR  HIS  WEEKLY 
TO  THE  CnicAao  EAVESDROPPER. 


WHILE  THE  ARRIVAL  OF  THE  NOTORIOUS  LADY  X.  DISORGANISES  THE  WHOLE  HOUSEHOLD. 


80 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  i.  1911. 


LITTLE    PLAYS   FOR    AMATEURS. 

III. — "  Miss  PRKNDERGAST." 
As  the  curtain  goes  up  two  ladies  are 
discovered  in  the  morning-room  of 
Honeysuckle  Lodge  engaged  in  work 
of  a  feminine  nature.  Miss  Alice 
Pmtderycut  is  doing  something 
delicate  with  a  crochet-hook,  but  it 
is  obvioioi  that  her  thoughts  are  far 
away.  She  sighs  at  intervals,  and 
occasionally  lays  down  her  work 
and  presses  both  hands  to  her  heart." 
A  sympatJictic  audience  will  have 
no  difficulty  in  guessing  that  she  is 

her 


tn  love.  On  the  other  hand, 
elder  sister,  Miss  Prender- 
gast,  is  completely  wrapped 
up  in  a  sock  for  one  of  the 
poorer  classes,  over  which 
she  frowns  formidably .  The 
sock,  however,  has  no  real 
bearing  upon  the  plot,  and 
she  mmt  not  make  too  much 
of  it. 

Alice  (hiding  her  emotions). 
Did  you  have  a  pleasant  dinner- 
party last  night,  Jane  ? 

Jane  (to  herself).  Seventeen, 
eighteen,  nineteen,  twenty. 
(Looking  up.)  Very  pleasant  in- 
deed, Alice.  The  Blizzards  weje 
there,  and  the  Podbys,  and  the 
Slumphs.  (These  people  are  not 
important  and  should  not  be  over- 
emphasised.) Mrs.  Podby's  maid 
has  given  notice. 

Alice.  Who  took  you  in? 
Jane  (brightening  up).  Such 
an  interesting  man,  my  dear. 
He  talked  most  agreeably  about 
Art  during  dinner,  and  we  re- 
newed the  conversation  in  the 
drawing-room.  We  found  that 
we  agreed  upon  all  the  main 
principles  of  Art,  considered  as 
such. 

Alice  (with  a  look  in  her  eyes 
which  shows  that  she  is  recalling 
a  tender  memory).  When  I  was 

in   Shropshire  last  week 

was  your  man's  name  ? 

Jane  (with  a  warning  glance  at  the 
audience).  You  know  how  difficult  it  is 
to  catch  names  when  one  is  introduced. 
I  am  certain  he  never  heard  mine. 
(As  the  plot  depends  partly  upon  this, 
she  pauses  for  it  to  sink  in.)  But  I  en- 
quired about  him  afterwards,  and  I  find 

that  he  is  a  Mr. 

Enter  Mary,  the  parlourmaid. 
Mary  (handing  ktter).   A  letter 
you,  Miss. 

Jane  (taking  it).  Thank  you,  Mary. 
(Exit  Mary  to  ivork  up  her  next  line.) 
A  letter !  I  wonder  who  it  is  from ! 
(Reading  the  envelope.)  "  Miss  Prender- 
gast, Honeysuckle  Lodge."  (She  opens 
it  with  the  air  of  one  who  has  often 


received  letters  before,  but  feels  that  this 
one  may  play  an  important  part  in  her 
life.)  "  Dear  Miss  Prendergast,  I  hope 
you  will  pardon  the  presumption  of 
what  I  am  about  to  write  to  you,  but 
whether  you  pardon  me  or  not  I  ask 
listen  to  me.  I  know  of  no 

for   whose   talents   I   have   a 

greater  admiration,  or  for  whose  qualities 
I  have  a  more  sincere  affection  than 
yourself.  Since  I  have  known  you,  you 
have  been  the  lodestar  of  my  existence, 
the  fountain  of  my  inspiration.  I  feel 
that,  were  your  life  joined  to  mine,  the 
joint  path  upon  which  we  trod  would 
to  happiness,  such  - 


you  to 
woman 


with   ncrsclj). 
-Mr.  Bootle! 


Jane  (rather  pleased, 
Well,  really — I — this  is 
Fancy ! 

Alice,  (starting  up).  Was  that  a  ring  ? 
(She  frowns  at  the  prompter  and  a  bell 
is  heard  to  ring.)  It  is  Mr.  Bootle  ! 
I  know  his  ring,  I  mean  I  know — Dear, 
I  think  I  will  go  and  lie  down.  I  have 
a  headache. 

[She  looks  miserably  at  the  audience, 
closes  her  eyes,  and  goes  off  ivith 
her  handkerchief  to  her  mouth, 
taking  care  not  to  fall  over  the 
f urn  it  lire. 

Enter  Mary,  followed  by  James 
Bootle. 
Mr.    Bootle.      (Exit 


Mary, 
finally.) 

Jane. 
Bootle ! 

Bootle. 
Why,  of 


Good    morning,    Mr. 


0-L. 


"'ERE  Y'ARE,  GENTS,  NOW'S  YER  CHAWNCE,  THE  GKITE 
PERNOUNCIN'  DICSHUXRY." 


I  beg — I  thought 

course  !  It 's  Miss — 
er — h'm,  yes — How  do  you  do  ? 
Did  you  get  back  safely  last 
night  ? 

Jane.  Yes,  thank  you.  (Coyly} 
I  got  your  letter. 

Bootle.  My  letter  ?  (Sees  his 
letter  on  the  table.  Furiously.} 
You  opened  my  letter ! 

Jane  (mistaking  his  fury  for 
passion).  Yes  —  James.  And 
(looking  down  on  the  ground)  the 
answer  is  "  Yes." 

Bootle  (realising  the  situation). 
By  George !  (Aside)  I  have 
proposed  to  the  wrong  lady ! 
Tchek ! 

Jane.  You  may  kiss  me, 
James. 

Bootle.  Have  you  a  sister  ? 

Jane  (missing  the  connection). 
Yes,  I  have  a  younger  sister, 
Alice.  (Coldly.)  But  I  hardly 
see 

Bootle  (beginning  to  under- 
stand how  he  made  the  mistake). 
A  younger  sister !  Then  you  are 


Miss 
letter- 


Prendergast  ? 
Ah! 


And 


my 


What 


for 


have  as  yet  hardly  dared  to  dream  of. 
In  short,  dear  Miss  Prendergast,  I  ask 
you  to  marry  me,  and  I  will  come  in 
person  for  my  answer.  Yours  truly — 
(In  a  voice  of  intense  surprise)  "  Jas. 
Bootle"! 

[At  the  word  "Bootle"  a  wave  of 
warm  colour  rushes  over  Alice  and 
dyes  her  from  neck  to  brow.    If  she 
is  not  an  actress  of  sufficient  calibre 
to  ensure  this,  she  must  do  the  best 
she  can  by  starting  abruptly  and 
putting  her  hand  to  her  throat. 
Alice  (aside,  in  a  choking  voice).  Mr. 
Bootle !     In  love  with  Jane ! 

Jane.  My  dear !    The  man  who  took 
me  down  to  dinner !     Well ! 

Alice  (picking  up  he.r  work  again  and 
trying  to  be  calm).  What  will  you  say? 


Enter  Alice. 
You    are    wanted, 


Jane,    a 


excuse    me, 


Mr 


she  follows  her 


Alice. 
moment. 

Jane.    Will    you 
Bootle  ?     (Exit) 

Bootle  (to  Alice,  as 
sister  out).  Don't  go  ! 

Alice  (wanly — if  she  knows  how).  Am 

to  stay  and  congratulate  you  ? 

Bootle.  Alice !  (They  approach  the 
footlights,  while  Jane,  having  finishes 
her  business,  comes  in  unobserved  ana 
watches  from  the  back.)  -It  is  all  a  mis- 
take !  I  didn't  know  your  Christian  name 
— I  didn't  know  you  had  a  sister.  The 
letter  I  addressed  to  Miss  Prendergast 
I  meant  for  Miss  Alice  Prendergast. 

Alice.  James  !    My  love!    But  what 
can  we  do  ? 


FEHRUARY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


81 


Pottle  Lady.  "AH,  Sir.  CHARLES,  WHEN  YOU  SEE  YOUR  WIFE  LOOKING  so  BEAUTIFUL  IN  HER  EXQUISITE  FURS,  DON'T  YOU  REPEAT 

TO  YOURSELF  THOSE  CHARMING   LINES " 

Cmtty  Fox-hunter  (cutting  in).    "WHAT  I   REPEAT  TO   MYSELF  is,    'A   HVXDRSD  AXD  PIFTY-SSVBX  POUXD  TEH  A.VD  so  SSCOXD 
HOUSE  !'" 


Bootle  (gloomily).  Nothing.  As  a  man 
of  honour  I  cannot  withdraw.  So  two 
lives  are  ruined  I 

Alice.  You  are  right,  James.  Jane 
must  never  know.  Good-bye  ! 

[They  give  each  other  a  farewell 
embrace. 

Jane  (aside).  They  love.  (Fiercely) 
But  he  is  mine;  I  will  hold  him  to  his 
promise!  (Picking  up  a  photograph  of 
Alice  as  a  small  child  from  an  occasional 
table).  Little  Alice !  And  I  promised 
to  take  care  of  her — to  protect  her  from 
the  cruel  world.  Baby  Alice!  (She 
puts  her  handkerchief  to  near  eyes).  No ! 
I  will  not  spoil  two  lives  !  (Aloud) 
Why  '  Good-bye,'  Alice  ? 

[Bootle  and  Alice,  who  have  been 
embracing  all  this  time — unless 
they  can  think  of  something  else  to 
do — break  away  in  surprise. 

Alice.  Jane — we — I 

Jane  (calmly).  Dear  Alice !  I  under- 
stand perfectly.  Mr.  Bootle  said  in  his 
letter  to  you  that  he  was  coming  for 
his  answer,  and  I  see  what  answer  you 
have  given  him.  (To  Bootle)  You 


remember  I  told  you  it  would  ba  Yes. 
I  know  my  little  sister,  you  see. 

Bootle  (tactlessly).  But  —  you  told 
me  I  could  kiss  you  ! 

Jane  (smiling).  And  I  tell  you  again 
now.  I  believe  it  is  usual  for  men  to 
kiss  their  sisters-in-law  ?  (She  offers  her 
cheek.  Bootle,  whose  day  it  is,  salutes 
her  respectfully.)  And  now  (gaily),  per- 
haps I  had  better  leave  you  young 
people  alone ! 

[Exit,  with  a  backward  look  at  the 
audience  expressive  of  the  fact  thai 
she  has  been  wearing  the  mask. 

Bootle.  Alice,  then  you  are  mine, 
after  all ! 

Alice.  James !  (They  k No,  per- 
haps better  not.  There  has  been  quite 
enough  for  one  evening.)  And  to  think 
that  she  knew  all  the  time !  Now  I 
am  quite,  quite  happy.  And  James — 
you  will  remember  in  future  that  I  am 
Miss  Alice  Prendergast? 

Bootle  (gaily).  My  dear,  I  shall  only 
be  able  to  remember  that  you  are  The 
Future  Mrs.  Bootle ! 

CURTAIN.         A.  A.  M. 


"  We  hope  Mr.  Atkinson  will  keep  his  word, 
and  with  the  ability  which  he  has  always  shewn, 
tear  to  shreds  and  tatters  the  subterranean 
methods  of  the  clique  which  at  present  rides 
the  high  horse." — Wharfedalt  and  Airedale 
Obrerver. 

This,  we  foresee,  will  be  one  of  the 
events  of  the  coronation  year. 


Judge  WILLIS,  as  reported  in  The 
Evening  News : — 

"I  don't  want  to  detract  from  the  great 
works  of  Brow  ning  but  I  never  got  any  great 
advantage  from  reading  his  works.  ' 

Judge  WILLIS  may  be  at  ease.     He 
has  not  detracted  from  them. 


"The  exceptional  wealth  of  fauna  possessed 
liy  sunny  Italy  is  ransacked  for  this  floral 
carpet  with  striking  results." — Sunday  Circle. 

The  famous  centre-square,  made  of 
buttercups  and  tigers,  should  be  noted 
particularly. 

"SAFE,  Mil  HIT  ;  suit  tradesman  ;  60s.  ;  dril- 
ling machine,  70s." — Advt.  in"  Daily  Express." 

The  drilling  machine  should  have  been 
offered  afterwards — to  somebody  else. 


82 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1911. 


Small  Boy  (:o friend).  "I  SAY,  HAROLD,  DO  GIVE  MY  MOTHEK  A  TURN,  SHE'S  NOT  HAVING  MUCH  OF  AN  EVENING.' 


TO    A    HAIRPIN. 

O  PIN  that  didst  of  yore  constrain 
Some  lady's  would-be  wanton  mane 

With  dear  enslavement, 
Till  wind  or  luck,  rude  autocrat, 
Expelled  thee  from  that  maiden's  mat 

On  to  the  pavement. 

What  story  hast  thou  ?    Was  the  head 
Thou  tired'st  hazel,  black  or  red, 

Gold  or  peroxide  ? 
Had  it  a  parting  ?    Did  it  wave  ? 
Was  it  in  mode  demure  and  suave, 

Or  on  the  shock  side  ? 

Didst  thou,  with  hidden  guile,  attach 
Some  cunning  tresses  bought  "  to  match, 

To  hide  a  lacking  ? 
We  can  but  trust,  if  that  be  so, 
The  hair  hung  on,  despite  the  blow 

That  sent  thee  packing. 

Ah  me !     No  doubt  a  deal  of  care 
Was  spent  to  bring  that  head  of  hair 

To  full  perfection ; 
We  wonder  if,  for  all  her  toil, 
Thy  tragedy  went  far  to  spoil 

The  whole  erection. 


It  may  be ;  for  that  man,  indeed, 
Who  begs,  to  serve  his  direst  need, 

A  pin — a  hair  on3 — 
To  clean  his  pipe,  is  ever  met 
With  hackneyed  statements  of  regret 

That  "she  can't  spare  one." 

He  may  not  doubt.     Yet,  truth  to  say, 
Judged  by  the  free  and  casual  way 

These  maidens  scatter — 
E'en  as  his  quills  the  porcupine — 
Their  pins  abroad,  this  fall  of  thine 

Should  hardly  matter. 

O  hairpin  cast  upon  the  earth, 
'Tis  not  for  man  to  ask  thy  worth 

Or  probe  thy  history ; 
He  only  knows  that,  being  one 
By  which  a  lady's  hair  is  "  done," 

Thou  art  all  mystery. 

But,  lowly  though  thy  present  state, 
Thou  hast  for  memory  this  great 

And  deathless  blessing, 
That  thou — oh  joy  beyond  eclipse  ! — 
Didst  lie  between  a  maiden's  lips 

When  she  was  dressing. 


DUM-DUM. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— FEBHUARY  1,  1911. 


LA  BELLE   ALLIANCE. 


(After  Madisc's  picture  of  the  Meeting  of  Wellington  and  Blitcker.) 

FIELD-MAKSHAL  ASQUITH.    "CAPITAL  BATTLE  WE  WON  A   FEW  WEEKS  AGO." 

FIELD  MARSHAL   REDMOND.    "YES.     HADN'T  WE   BETTER   BE   PHOTOGRAPHED  TOGETHER   LIKE   THIS— IN   CASK 
ANYTHING    HAPPENS?" 


FKHKI  AUY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


M 


THE  PARLIAMENTARY  BALLERINE  TRIP   SMARTLY   FORWARD  TO  THE  FOOTLIGHTS  AGAIN. 
lli'    Artist  was  so  overwhelmed  by  the  charms  of  the  first  few  who  presented  themselves  that  he  has  had  to  omit  six  hundred  and 
sixty  odd  corypMes  of  hardly  less  attractive  mien.) 


AEGUMENTUM  AD  HOMINEM. 

[An  American  Counsel,  in  the  course  of  a  case 
of  alleged  poisoning,  has  swallowed  in  a  cocktail 
a  dose  of  arsenic  of  the  same  strength  as  that 
alleged  to  have  teen  employed  by  the  prisoner, 
in  order  to  demonstrate  its  harnilessness.  Fore- 
seeing many  developments  of  such  action  in  the 
future,  Mr.  Punch  makes  no  apology  for  printing 
the  following  forecast  of  a  newspaper  article  of 
1926.] 

IT  is  with  great  regret  that  we  record 
the  sad  loss  which  newspaper  readers 
and  all  frequenters  of  law  courts  have 
sustained  by  the  untimely  decease  of 
Sir  Robert  Eiskett,  the  eminent  King's 
Counsel.  It  was  known  that  Sir  Eobert 
had  been  suffering  from  ptomaine 
poisoning  ever  since  the  Great  Marine 
Stores  Case,  in  which  he  ate  three  btewn 
tins  of  salmon  in  open  court  in  proof 
of  his  client's  contention  that  they  were 
quite  wholesome.  He  was  believed, 
however,  to  be  making  his  usual  good 
recovery,  and  the  news  this  morning 
will  come  as  a  shock  upon  a  public 
accustomed  to  regard  him  as  the 
ablest  exponent  of  spectacular  advocacy. 
From  the  day,  a  dozen  years  ago, 
when  he  shot  the  instructing  solicitor 
in  the  leg  with  a  pocket  pistol  in  sup- 


port of  the  theory  of  the  prosecution 
in  the  Great  Eailway  Mystery,  his  career 
has  been  one  long  series  of  dramatic 
triumphs. 

It  was,  of  course,  unavoidable  that  such 
a  man,  in  the  course  of  such  a  career, 
should  make  occasional  enemies.  We 
believe  the  solicitor  just  mentioned — 
in  spite  of  the  fact  that  the  case  he 
had  presented  was  definitely  established 
by  Sir  Robert's  coup — could  never  be 
induced  either  to  brief  him  again  or 
even  to  sit  in  the  same  court ;  and  it  is 
an  open  secret  that  a  certain  law  officer 
of  the  Crown  never  forgave  him  for  the 
blow  on  the .  point  of  the  jaw  with 
which,  in  the  trial  arising  out  of  the 
Club  Prize-fight  Scandal,  Sir  Eobert 
dissipated  in  a  moment  his  wordy 
sophistries  upon  the  inefficacy  of  the 
"  knockout." 

But,  putting  aside  criticism  arising 
from  merely  personal  or  petty  feeling, 
we  are  of  opinion  ourselves  that  there 
is  something  to  be  said  on  public 
grounds  against  the  strenuous  advocacy 
now  so  much  in  vogue.  For  one  thing, 
it  cannot  be  maintained  at  this  high 
pitch  without  ultimate  damage  to  the 


personnel  of  the  judicial  Bench.  Much 
though  we  admired  at  the  time  the 
devotion  to  duty  of  the  talented  K.C. 
who  a  year  ago  allowed  himself  to  be 
trepanned  in  the  well  of  the  court  by 
the  medical  client  whose  skill  had  been 
slanderously  impugned,  yet  we  cannot 
shut  our  eyes  to  a  possible  connection 
between  that  operation  and  the  reversal 
on  appeal  of  nine  out  of  ten  of  his 
judgments  since  his  elevation  to  the 
Bench. 

We  will  not,  however,  dwell  upon 
this  aspect  of  the  subject,  for  there  are 
obvious  compensations.  Judges  who 
have  been  previously,  during  years  of 
advocacy,  broken  upon  the  wheel  of 
their  clients'  necessities,  may  not  prove 
capable  of  sustained  attention  or  con- 
nected thought,  but  their  histrionic 
ability  abides.  In  proof  of  this  we 
need  only  cite  Mr.  Justice  Leary's  dis- 
play in  the  Hypnotic  Pocket-picking 
case  last  summer,  when  he  himself 
went  off  into  a  trance  during  bis  sum- 
ming-up, and  was  found,  after  restora- 
tion to  consciousness  by  a  doctor  and 
the  leader  of  the  Circuit,  to  have  the 
i  watches  of  both  in  his  possession. 


86 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  l,  1911. 


THE   CHILDREIMS   PARTY. 

SCENE— A  large  library.    TIME— 2.45  P.M.    Most  of  the  usual 

furniture  has  been  removed,  and  the  body  of  the  room  is 

filled  with  rows  of  chairs.     At  the  end  of  the  room 

and  facing  the  chairs,  a  little  platform  has  been  erected. 

He  and  She  are  inspecting  the  arrangements. 

She   Come  Charles,  you  must  admit  that  the  servants 

have  done  wonders.     Parkins  and  William  have  worked 

like  Trojans,  the  maids  have  surpassed  themselves,  and  the 

gardeners 

He.  Yes,  I  heard  them.  You  can't  mistake  a  gardener  s 
step  when  he  does  get  into  a  house.  You  might  just  as 
well  let  a  traction-engine  in  at  the  front-door.  But  oughtn  t 
you  to  have  a  gangway  down  the  middle  ? 

She.  Oh,  it 's  only  for  children.  They  won't  mind  about 
gangways.  Besides,  we  've  only  just  got  chairs  enough 
for  them  all  as  it  is. 

He.  What  are  you  going  to  do  with  the  mothers  and 
nurses  ? 

She.  They  "11  be  in  the  back  rows. 

He.  But  if  their  children  refuse  to  be  separated  from 
them? 

She.  Then  they  '11  have  to  go  into  the  back  rowSj  too. 
Any  more  difficulties  ? 

He.  Well,  personally,  I  think  it  would  have  been  better 
to  have  the  platform  at  the  other  end.  It 's  not  too  late  to 

make  the  change.    Let 's 

She.  What?   Move  every  chair  round  ?   You  must  be  mad. 
He.  Oh,  never  mind.    But  if  you  didn't  want  suggestions 
you  shouldn't  have  asked  for  them. 

She.  I  don't  call  that  a  suggestion.  1  call  it  lunacy. 
Besides,  I  didn't  ask  for  any. 

He.  Well,  I  won't  press  it.  What 's  the  ventriloquist's 
name? 

.  She.  I  don't  know.    They  only  said  they  'd  send  one  of 
their  best  men. 
;  He.  When 's  he  coming  ? 

:  She.  He  ought  to  be  here  now.  William 's  gone  to  the 
station  to  meet  him  and  bring  him  along.  There  he  is  at 
the  front-door.  Just  you  dash  out  and  meet  him,  and  help 
him  in  with  his  dummy  figures. 

[He  goes  out.     She  shifts  a  chair  or  two  and  puts  ir 

some  final  touches. 

He  (re-entering  with  a  stranger  dressed  in  a  frock-coat  suit 
high  collar  and  black  tie).  This  is  Professor  Borradaile 
my  dear.  Professor,  let  me  introduce  you  to  my  wife. 

She.  It  'a  very  good  of  you,  Professor,  to  come  down  and 
help  us  to  amuse  our  little  ones. 
The  Professor  (to  himself.      We  put  his  thoughts  int 

words).     Little  ones!     What  on  earth ?     Oh,  it's  a 

joke.  (Aloud)  Yes,  indeed.  Little  in  knowledge.  Bu 
we  shall  improve  in  time,  no  doubt ;  everything  must  hav 
a  beginning,  and  then  it  spreads. 

She  (to  herself).  What  a  funny  ventriloquist !  (Aloud 
That  depends  on  the  voice,  of  course. 

The  Professor  (to  himself).    She's  mad.      (Aloud)    N 
doubt  the  voice  has  something  to  do  with  it. 
He.  Have  you  brought  your  figures,  Professor  ? 
The  Professor.   Of  course,   of   course.     I  always  brin 
them. 

He.  Can  I  fetch  them  in  for  you  ? 

The  Professor  (to  himself).  He 's  mad  too.    (Aloud)    Oh 
pray  don't  trouble.    I  always  carry  them  in  my  head. 
He  and  She  (to  themselves). -He 's  mad. 
He  (to  the  Professor).  Ha,  ha,  that 's  capital.    The  ne 
ventriloquism,  I  suppose. 

The  Professor.  Oh  dear,  no.  Merely  a  matter  of  memor] 
Memory  can  be  trained  like  everything  else. 


She.  Oh,  no  doubt,  no  doubt.     I  am  sure  it  will  all  be 
lost  interesting  and  amusing. 

The  Professor.  Amusement  is  not  considered  to  be  our 
kief  object ;    but  we  do  try  to  amuse  while  we  instruct, 
nd  generally  we  find  we  succeed  wonderfully  well. 
She.  Ah,  here  comes  the  audience.     I  must  help  to  get 
icm  seated. 

[The  audience,  consisting  of  children  ranging  in  age 

from  4  to  12,  all  dressed  in  their  best  and  bringing 

with  them  a  sprinkling  of  mothers   and  nurses, 

begins  to  troop  in.     The  seats  are  gradually  filled. 

The  Professor  takes  his  stand  on  the  platform  and, 

silence  having  been  established,  he  begins  to  speak. 

The  Professor.  I  haye  to  thank  you  for  inviting  me  to 

ome  amongst  you  this  afternoon.     I  own  that  this  is  the 

rst  occasion  on  which  I  have  had  the  privilege  of  address- 

ng  an  audience  so  largely  composed  of  the  young  of  both 

exes.     However,  in  such  a  matter  as  this  it  is  impossible 

o  begin  too  early.     Knowledge  acquired  in  the  impression- 

ble  years  of  youth  remains  firmly  implanted  throughout 

ife,   and    I   therefore    welcome    joyfully   the    chance    of 

owing  seed  which  will  in  due  time  grow  into  a  beneficent 

nd  plentiful  harvest  of  wisdom.     The  subject  of  my  dis- 

ourse  is,  as  you  all   know,  "  Domestic   Hygiene."       [A 

mall  child   here  begins  to  cry  and  is  hastily  removed.] 

Domestic  "  is,  as  you  are  aware,  derived  from  domus,  a 

jatin  word  meaning  house,  and  "  domestic  "  therefore  means 

f  or  belonging  to  a  house.     "  Hygiene  "  is  from  the  Greek 

word  for  health,  and  "Domestic  Hygiene  "  may  therefore  be 

described  as  the  science  of  health  in  relation  to  the  house- 

lold  arrangements  amid  which  our  lives  are  passed. 

[The  Professor  proceeds  in  this  fashion  for  nearly  an 
hour,  and  ends  with  an  impassioned  appeal  to 
his  hearers  to  enrol  themselves  as  members  of  the 
Domestic  Hygiene  Central  Association. 

Extract  from  "The  Chorsleydale  Standard"  of  the  jol- 
owing  Saturday : — 

"The  Lowmead  Village  Hall  on  Wednesday  last  was 
illed  with  an  enthusiastic  meeting  of  members  of  the 
Liowmead  Scientific  Association,  who  had  gathered  for  one 
of  the  series  of  scientific  afternoons  which  have  formed 
such  an  outstanding  feature  of  the  proceedings  of  this  body. 
Unfortunately  Professor  Borradaile,  who  was  to  have 
.ectured  on  Domestic  Hygiene,  was  unable  to  be  present, 
Dut  his  place  was  supplied  practically  at  a  moment's  notice 
Lieutenant  Dobbs  with  his  well-known  and  refined 
scientific  Ventriloquial  Entertainment.  The  members  are 
to  be  congratulated  on  having  provided  for  themselves  and 
the  rest  of  the  audience  a  most  enjoyable  afternoon.  The 
Lieutenant  was  heartily  applauded  throughout,  and  we 
hope  shortly  to  see  him  again  in  Lowmead." 

The  extent  to  which  the  twentieth-century  boy  is  expected 
to  look  after  his  parents  may  not  be  realised  by  some ;  but 
two  extracts  (one  from  a  notice  of  Long  Leave  at  Eton  and 
the  other  from  The  Acton  Gazette)  may  serve  to  show  the 
tendency  of  the  modern  >novement : 

"Long  Leave  will  be  granted  to  Parents  or  Guardians  of  all  boys  who 
apply  for  it." 

"  Two  "schoolboys,  a<*ed  respectively  seven  and  thirteen,  were  charged 
with  being  found  wandering  at  Acton-lane,  Acton,  and  having  a  parenl 
who  did  not  exercise  proper  guardiinship  over  them." 

"The  Chairman  stated  that  before  they  went  into  voting  for  a  prs 
sident  he  should  like  to  say  there  was  no  one  who  could  appreciate  tin 
honour  the  society  had  done  to  him  by  re-electing  him  to  the  presidency 
in  succession,  as  they  had  done  as  much  as  he  had." — Rugby  Adr;rtiscr 

The  punctuator  of  this  speech  is  determined  to  show  tha 
the  duties  of  the  president  are  merely  nominal. 


FEHRUABY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


87 


Hostess.  "WILL  TOU  HAVE  SOME  BREAD-AND-BUTTER,  DARLING?" 
Small  Soy.  "  BREAD-AND-BUTTER  I    I  THOUGHT  THIS  WAS  A  PARTY 


THE    SWAIMKERS    AGAIN. 

CHRISTMAS  HOLIDAY  VERSION. 

*  I.    SCENE— Any  Girls'  School. 

First  Girl.  Where  've  you  been  ? 

Second  Girl.  London,  most  of  the 
time. 

F.  G.  Been  to  any  theatres  ? 

S.  G.  Heaps.  Almost  every  night, 
except  when  there  were  parties. 

F.  G.  What  did  you  like  best  ? 

S.  G.  Oh,  The  Scarkt  Pimpernel. 
Simply  ripping.  I  adore  FBED  TEEBY. 
Did  you  see  it  ? 

F.  G.  Yes ;  but  I  like  Count  Hanni- 
bal best. 

S.  G.  Did  you  go  to  Peter  Pan  again  ? 

F.  G.  Eather :  six  times.  Isn't  it 
topping  ? 

S.  G.  Topping.  But  I  missed  the 
old  Wendy  horribly,  and  there 's  a  new 
Captain  Hook,  too. 

F.  G.  And  The  Blue  Bird—did  you 
see  that  ? 

S.  G.  Yes— twice.  Isn't  The  Joy  of 
Being  Thoroughly  Naughty  a  pet  ? 

F.  G.  Oh,  isn't  he  ?    The  darling  ! 

S.G.  The  duck!  Hullo,  there's  Beryl! 
Beryl,  did  you  go  to  many  parties  ? 

Beryl.  Millions. 

F.  G.  Were  they  good  ? 

B.  Absolutely  ripping. 

F.  G.  Did  you  go  to  the  Jacksons'  ? 


B.  Of  course.     Why  didn't  you  ? 

F.  G.  I  had  a  cold. 

B.  What  a  pity.  It  was  miles  the 
best.  They  had  a  cotillon.  I  got  a 
pair  of  opera  glasses.  It  was  lovely. 

S.  G.  I  say,  what  do  you  think  ?  I 
learnt  to  smoke.  Uncle  Guy  taught 
me.  Isn't  it  ripping  ? 

B.  Didn't  it  make  you  ill  ? 

S.  G.  Of  course  not.  It 's  as  easy 
as  anything  when  you  know  how.  I 
knew  how  directly. 

[And  so  forth.] 

II.  SCENE — Any  Boys'  School. 

First  Boy.  Where  've  you  been  ? 

Second  Boy.  St.  Moritz. 

F.  B.  We  were  at  Montana.  Top- 
hole,  but  too  many  headmasters.  Are 
you  good  at  ski-ing? 

S.  B.  Rather !  But  bob-sleighing  is 
what  I  like  best.  Ourcrowdsimplyflew. 

F.  B.  Did  you  win  anything  ? 

S.  B.  No;  we  were  screaming  fa- 
vourites, hut  a  mouldy  dog  got  in  the 
way  and  just  spoilt  everything.  We 
beat  the  record  up  to  then,  though. 

F.  B.  How  fast  ? 

S.  B.  Oh !  nearly  seventy  miles  an 
hour,  the  judge  said. 

F.  B.  I  had  a  ripping  toboggan. 

S.  B.  Luge,  you  mean. 

F.  B.  Yes,  luge  if  you  like ;  same 
thing. 


S.  B.  Was  anyone  killed  at  your 
place  ? 

F.  B.  No,  no  one  actually  killed, 
but  plenty  of  accidents.  One  girl  broke 
both  her  legs. 

S.  B.  We  had  a  man  killed  outright 
— only  a  Swiss,  though.  Have  many 
dances  at  Montana? 

F.  B.  Heaps  and  heaps.  Jolly  girls 
there  too.  I  say,  don't  tell  any  one, 
will  you  ?  Swear  you  won't.  Well, 
I  'm  engaged. 

S.  B.  Oh,  rubbish  !     You  're  not. 

F.  B.  Yes,  I  am.  She 's  the  best 
skater  there.  We  're  going  to  live  in 
snowy  countries  all  our  lives — go  from 
one  to  the  other  for  ski-ing  and  all  that. 

S.  B.  Oh,  skittles!  Don't  be  such 
an  idiot.  You  're  only  fourteen. 

F.  B.  Well,  some  boys  of  fourteen 
are  grown  up.  She's  willing  to  wait, 
anyway. 

S.  B.  How  old 's  she? 

F.  B.  She 's  younger  than  I  am,  as 
a  wife  ought  to  be.  She 's  twelve. 

S.  B.  Have  any  fun  in  London  ? 

F.  B.  Not  much — Switzerland  was 
best.  Did  you  ? 

S.  B.  Not  bad.  But  I'm  sick  of 
conjurers,  and  they  had  them  every- 
where. Why  don't  conjurers  learn 
something  new?  I  knew  how  every- 
thing was  done. 

[And  so  on.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  1.  1911. 


AT    THE    PLAY. 

'•PRESERVING  MB.  PANMUBE. 
WE  were  warned  to  be  in  our  seats 
punctually,  as  the  interest  threatened 
to  begin  practically  at  the  same  time  as 
the  play  did.  This  was  misleading  Jor 
one  might  easily  have  evaded  the  First 
Act  and  lost  little  by  it  except  the 
irresistible  pedantry  of  little  Miss  IBIS 
HAWKINS.  A  short .  synopsis  would 
have  put  us  in  touch  with  the  facts. 
Thus :  Mr.  Panmure,  a  gentleman  of 
rather  dotty  physique  (the  result  of 
early  excesses),  having  ostensibly  re- 
formed through  the  ministrations  of  a 
pious  wife  and  clergyman,  and  got  into 
the  habit  of  delivering  discourses  at 
family  prayers  twice  a  week,  still 
retains  some  irrepressible  relics  of  the 
old  Adam.  These  break  out,  and  in  a 
moment  of  amorous  gallantry  he  vio- 
lently kisses  the  pretty  governess  of 
his  daughter. 

To  the  exordium  here  epitomised — of 
which  the  humour  may  be  judged  from 
the  fact  that  it  secured  one  of  its  most 
poignant  effects  by  means  of  a  dollop 
of  powder  smudged  across  the  child's 
nose,    which   had    suffered    from    the 
weather — two  brilliant   Acts   succeed. 
Wind  is  got  of  the  outrage  done  to  the 
governess,  but  the  identity  of  the  delin- 
quent remains  in  doubt.     A  great  and 
glorious  quest  is  set  on   foot  by  the 
adies.     For  a  moment,  when  I   saw 
i  spasm  of  suspicion  cross  the  devout 
ace  of  Mrs.  Panmure,  I  feared  that 
Sir  ARTHUR  PINEBO  was  going  to  break 
through    that    tradition    of    detective 
stories  which  requires  that  the  actual 
mlprit  should  be  the  last  person  to  be 
suspected.      However,   it   passes,   and 
;he  innocence  of  Mr.  Panmure,  stoutly 
asserted  by  the  injured  party,  is  even- 
aially  confirmed  to  the  satisfaction  of 
;he  ladies  by  a  little  man  staying  in  the 
house — the  most  unlikely  of  Lotharios 
— who,  at  the  girl's  request,  takes  upon 
himself  the  guilt,   and  receives   from 
Mrs.  Panmure,  as  the  guerdon  of  his 
honesty  and  courage  in  confessing,  the 
badge  of  the  Order  of  Fine  Souls  (First 
Class). 

The  scene  now  shifts,  for  the  last  Act, 
to  the  house  of  a  Mr.  Stulkeley,  M.P., 
who  had  been  a  guest  of  the  Panmures 
in  the  preceding  Acts,  and  had  offered 
hospitality  to  the  governess  in  her 
predicament.  Here  we  get  right  away 
from  Mr.  Panmure,  except  that  he  is 
briefly  dragged  in  with  a  family  crowd 
that  we  may  hear  of  his  ultimate  con- 
fession, and  that  the  author  may  have 
an  opportunity  of  showing  that  he  has 
not  absolutely  mislaid  the  title  of  his 
play.  (Incidentally  it  transpires  that  the 


heard  the  smashing  of  a  plate  during 
the  stormy  interview  which  followed 
the  Kiss,  and  subsequently  found  his 
master  engaged  in  retrieving  the  frag- 
ments. Unfortunately,  when  I  assisted 
at  the  second  performance,  the  plate 
bounded  along  the  floor  intact.) 

The  interest  now  centres  in  a  com- 
petition for  the  hand  of  the  governess, 
as  between  Mr.  Stulkeley  and  his  Private 
Secretary,  the  little  man  who  had  as- 
sumed the  guilt  of  the  outrage.  This 
Act  contained  some  fairly  good  fun  of 
its  own,  but  had  obvious  difficulty  in 
dragging  out  its  slow  length.  Its  failure 
was  not  the  common  one  of  last  Acts— 
the  failure  of  an  author  to  maintain 
interest  when  clearing  up  the  threads 


was    made 
in  a   scratch 
and   stockings, 
if     this     kind 
soon    after 
Tantalising 


so 
in 


Miss  IELS  HAWKINS  (Myrtle /.  "The  pro- 
gramme tells  you  where  my  Mamma  and  my 
governess  go  to  get  their  costumes  ;  but  Heaven 
and  Pinero  only  know  why  I  'm  dressed  like 
this." 

that  have  been  already  unravelled.  Its 
fault  lay  (apart  from  its  undue  expan- 
sion) in  the  attempt  to  establish  interest 
at  that  late  hour  in  a  side  issue. 

Sir  WING  describes  his  work  as  "  a 
Comic  Play,"  and  I  bow  to  his 
authority.  But  he  might  well  have 
called  it  a  Farce,  for  some  of  his 
characters  were  sufficiently  incredible. 
I  am  not  sure  that  I  quite  believed  in 
Mr.  Panmure,  that  amalgam  of  irrecon- 
cilable elements ;  and  I  know  I  never 
believed  in  the  loud  crudity  of  his  sister- 
in-law,  or  in  the  familiarity  of  Wood- 
house,  the  M.P.'s  Private  Secretary.  I 
have  had  the  privilege,  beyond  my 
deserts,  of  acquaintance  with  many 


terms  of  such  contemptuous  intimacy 
with  his  chief.  Of  course,  in  the  case 
of  cousins  it  may  be  different,  but  it 
can't  be  so  different  as  all  that. 

Miss  MARIE  LOHB,  as  the  governess, 
bore  the  brunt  of  the  work,  and  did  it 
with  great  intelligence  and  versatility. 
I  was  sorry  that  she 
gratuitously  to  appear 
costume,  minus  gown 
because  it  looks  as 
of  episode,  coming 
her  pyjamas  scene 
Tommy,  might  grow  into  a  habit  with 
the  people  who  write  for  her  or  manage 
her.  I  was  sorry,  too,  that  in  the  end 
she  should  have  had  to  choose,  for  a 
husband,  between  a  puppet  and  a  prig, 
for  in  this  latter  category  I  must  reluc- 
tantly place  Mr.  Stulkeley,  M.P.,  who 
carried  his  platform  manner  into  the 
domestic  circle.  For  the  sake  of  the 
human  interest,  such  as  it  was,  the  author 
might  well  have  allowed  him,  in  the 
act  of  proposing  marriage,  to  throw  off 
his  oratorical  style  and  behave  less 
like  a  gramophone  on  stilts.  There 
are  some  things  that  are  not  fair  in 
love  or  war,  and  elocution  is  one  of 
them.  Mr.  DAWSON  MILLWARD,  in  this 
not  very  grateful  rdle,  was,  as  always, 
an  admirable  figure,  though  perhaps 
he  marched  and  countermarched  about 
the  stage  a  little  too  much  and  too 
rapidly. 

Mr.  ARTHUR  PLAYFAIR,  as  Panmure, 
did  not  commit  the  mistake  which  he 
made  in  Vice  Versa,  but  showed  excel- 
lent restraint  when  tempted  to  conduct 
himself  farcically.  Miss  LILIAN  BRAITH- 
WAITE  was  a  very  perfect  Mrs.  Pan- 
mure,  and  Mr.  DION  BOUCICAULT  took 
advantage  of  his  many  chances,  though 
his  methods  were  sometimes  a  little 
irritating. 

Eegrettably  the  chief   attraction   of 


confession  was  wrung  from  Panmure  by   Parliamentary  Private  Secretaries,  but 
the  revelations  of  a  footman  who  over- 1 1  have  never  known  one  who  was  on 


this  rather  unequal  play  disappeared 
quite  early  when  the  precocious  Myrtle 
was  despatched  to  bed.  I  venture  to 
join  in  her  protest  at  this  premature 
dismissal.  It  is  true  that  she  had 
nothing  to  do  with  the  play  except  to 
afford  the  governess  a  reason  for  exist- 
ence, and  could  not  conceivably  have 
been  the  child  of  either  of  her  parents. 
But  this  only  helped  her  to  be  a  thing 
apart  and  wonderful.  I  never  saw 
anything  to  compare  with  Miss  IBIS 
HAWKINS  for  sheer  aplomb,  and  I  only 
wish  she  could  have  been  there  all  the 
time.  0.  S. 

"One  of  these  men,  a  Calabrian  named 
Motta,  went  to  his  partner's  shop  and  tried  to 
shoot  him  while  he  was  engaged  in  shaving  a 
customer.  The  bullet  shaved  the  face  of  a  boy 
who  was  waiting." — Egyptian  Gazette. 

And  very    likely  the    lad    had    only 
dropped  in  for  a  hair-cut. 


"I'V.isnuARY  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


89 


A    BLESSING    IN    DISGUISE. 

Visitor.    "I   WONDER   HOW   YOU    MANAGE  TO   HUNT   AT  ALL  WITH  SO  MUCH   WIRE." 

Resident.    "O'NLY  THING  THAT  MAKES  IT  POSSIBLE,  MY  BOY!      WOULD  NEVER  HAVE  AN  EXCUSE  TO  TURN  AW  AT  FROM  ANYTHING 
WITHOUT  IT." 


TO  THE  MODEEN   QUACK. 
[After  reading  the  early  history  of  medicine.] 

YE  makers  of  fortunes  gigantic, 

Quack  vendors  of  potions  and  pills, 
Who  now  give  us  nothing  romantic 

Except  your  advertisement  bills, 
Consider  the  wondrous  concoctions 

Put  up  in  the  bottle  or  box 
By  doctors  aforetime  and,  wasting  no 
more  time, 

Just  pull  up  your  socks. 

"Digestion,"  they'd  ask,  "misbehaving?" 
'Or,  "  Blisters  on  both  of  your  heels  ? 
Tut,  tut !     Take  an  ivory  shaving 

Thrice  daily,  an  hour  before  meals." 
Such  sorts  of  medicinal  dainties, 

Backed  up  by  a  ponderous  mien, 
They'd  foist  upon  folly  as  certain  of 

jolly 
Well  curing  the  spleen. 

They  'd  (almost)  put  up  in  a  flagon 
And  afterward  offer  for  sale 

Pink  hairs  from  the  head  of  a  dragon, 
Blue  tufts  from  a  unicorn's  tail. 

And,  could  they  have  only  got  at  them, 
No  doubt  they  'd  have  mixed  with 
their  drinks 


For  troublesome  tummies  the  wrappings 

of  mummies, 
Or  chips  off  the  Sphinx. 

But  .you,  did  we  ask  that  a  pimple 
Be  cured  with  a  Balsam  of  Bats, 
Would  only  look  hopelessly  simple, 

Or  rudely  ejaculate,  "  Eats." 
Come,    give    up     your    commonplace 

nostrums, 
Present    something    quaint    to    our 

view ; 
Those  picturesque  liars  could  always 

find  buyers, 
So  why  shouldn't  you  ? 


"The  above  is  a  facsimile  of  a  cheque  en- 
closed with  every  2/9  bottle  of ,  and  £10 

reward  will  be  paid  if  the  cheque  is  not  as  good 
as  gold  at  said  bank  for  2/6." — Advertisement. 

If  it  is  as  good  as  silver  it  will  be  good 
enough  for  us. 


"The  birds  were  somewhat  wild,   but  all 
thoroughly  enjoyed  the  sport. " 

The  Englishman. 

We'll  hope  they  did,  anyway.  We 
know  the  fox  enjoys  it,  so  why 
shouldn't  the  birds? 


THE  FATAL  DEAWBACK. 

[Pantomime  in  its  present  form  is  of  quite 
recent  origin.] 
ONCE,  if  I  read  in  story  books 

Of  mediaeval  deeds  of  daring, 
And  how  the  baron  said  "  Gadzooks," 

Instead    of    "  Dash    it    all,"    when 

swearing, 
I  prated  of  the  "  good  old  "  times, 

But  now  their  goodness  is  forgotten, 
Since  life  bereft  of  pantomimes 

Would  be,  to  put  it  mildly,  rotten. 

If  matters  happened  to  annoy, 

The    baron    could    not    soothe    his 

"paddy" 
By  harking  while  some  leading  boy 

Burst  loudly  into  "  Yip-i-addy  !  " 
He  could  not  feel  a  moistening  eye 

As  someone  (on  a  princely  salary) 
Warbled  a  strain  repeated  by 

The  fireman's  infant  in  the  gallery. 

Not  his  our  laughter  loud  and  free 

At  clowns  who  give  policemen  toko ; 
It  was  not  even  his  to  see 

The  humour  of  the  ruby  boko ; 
Some  motley  faol  his  ease  beguiled, 

Punning  with  tedious  persistence, 
A  thought  that  makes  me  reconciled 

To  twentieth-century  existence. 


90 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

Simpkins,  the  agent,  was  not  popular  in  Ballymoy,  and 
the  question  was  how  to  get  rid  of  him.  The  Rev.  J.  J. 
Meldon's  idea  was  to  marry  him  to  Mrs.  Larimer.  Mrs. 
Larimer  had  just  been  acquitted  on  a  charge  of  murdering 
her  husband,  the  general  feeling  being  that  she  was  lucky 
to  get  off.  In  the  Miss  King  who  had  taken  Ballymoy 
House,  Meldon  thought  that  he  recognised  Mrs.  Larimer ; 
if  he  could  only  induce  Simpkins  to  marry  her,  there  was  a 
chance  that  she  might  murder  Simpkins  too.  As  a  casual 
suggestion,  thrown  off  after  dinner,  the  joke  would  be  well 
enough ;  as  the  basis  of  a  novel — even  of  a  wild  farce  by 
GEORGE  A.  BIRMINGHAM — it  does  not  bear  emphasis.  The 
Simpkins  Plot  (NELSON)  is  written  for  the  most  part 
in  dialogue — or  rather  in  monologue  by  Meldon,  with  occa- 


sional interruptions  from  other  characters, 
humorous  Meldon 
might  have  carried 
the  book  to  success ; 
Mr.  BIRMINGHAM 
has  tried  his  hard- 
est to  make  him 
sufficiently  humor- 
ous, but  he  has  only 
succeeded  in  mak- 
ing him  a  bore. 
How  the  other 
characters  stood 
him  I  cannot  ima- 
gine; if  I  had  lived 
in  Ballymoy  there 
would  have  been  a 
"Meldon  Plot."  I 
am  sorry  to  say 
this,  remembering 
the  delight  which 
a  previous  book  of 
Mr.  BIRMINGHAM'S 
gave  me,  but  I  am 
afraid  that  he  is 
trying  to  force  the 
irresponsible  note, 
and  it  is  the  duty 


A  sufficiently 


Mi:s.  STUBBINS,  FKOM  THE  COUNTRY,  THINKS  FOLK  IN  LONDON  "UNCOMMON  SOCIABLE." 


sheer  perversity,  that 's  what  it  is.  Kindly  do  that  lat-t 
chapter  over  again,  and  bring  back  the  ingots  slung  over 
your  shoulder  in  a  sack  this  time,  and  we  might  call  the 
book  Success,  or  something  of  that  sort." 

When  you  begin  to  read  Lady  Fanny  (METHUEN)  the 
chances  are  that  you  will  consider  it  a  very  ordinary 
society  novel,  a  little  more  obviously  feminine  perhaps  than 
most,  about  a  young  wife  who  goes  to  Switzerland  for  a 
"rest-cure"  from  a  boring  existence  in  the  Shires,  and  is 
there  fallen  in  love  with  by  two  men,  one  of  whom  knows, 
and  the  other  does  not  know,  that  she  is  already  married. 
This,  certainly,  is  the  bare  outline  of  the  tale ;  but  by  the 
time  that  Mrs.  GEOEGE  NORMAN  has  got  fairly  into  her 
stride,  and  you  have  been  made  acquainted  with  the 
Brabazon  party  at  Lucerne,  the  conviction  will  probably 
dawn  upon  you  that  you  are  in  for  a  usual  story  written 
with  a  quite  unusual  degree  of  skill.  Later,  when  Lady 
Fanny  has  fled  to  Volpera,  and  the  affair  of  Prince  Ncnirice 

has  developed  it- 
self, you  will  begin 
(I  hope)  to  feel 
some  of  the  plea- 
sure which  I  my- 
self have  just  expe- 
rienced. This  story 
of  the  love  of  two 
persons,  hopelessly 
parted  by  circum- 
stance, i  s  really 
beautiful.  It  is  told 
with  delicacy  and 
restraint,  and  a 
kind  of  tender  hu- 
mour  that  adds 
enormously  to  its 
effect.  I  have  sel- 
dom read  anything 
more  moving  in 
theirownkind  than 
the  final  chapters ; 
the  rush  of  them, 
indeed,  carried  me 
off  my  feet,  and  I 
have  reason  to  sus- 


warning. 


10Vei'  °f"  irresP°nsibility  to  8ive  him  »  word 


of  MAN  may  have  been  as  strongly 

because  (though  I  hate,  rather,  to  mention  it)  there  were 
certainly  two  instances  in  which  her  grammar  would  not 


No,  Mr.  MASEFIELD,  I  refuse  to  be  put  upon.  When  a 
man  starts  a  story  with  a  mingled  flavour  of  Kidnapped 
and  Treasure  Island,  steers  us  to  the  Spanish  Main,  and 
then  goes  on  to  introduce  Indians,  and  the  gold  of  Incas 
concealed  in  a  desolate  and  mysterious  temple,  that  man 
has  got  to  make  his  hero  lift  the  treasure  before  the  end 
of  the  book,  or  I  shall  get  my  machete  into  his  ribs.  Of 
course  you  will  answer  that  your  story  is  entitled  Lost 
Endeavour,  and  that  I  must  have  known  what  to  expect 
from  the  beginning.  To  that  I  can  only  reply  that  it 
makes  no  difference,  it's  not  cricket  (or  ever  pelota),  and 
that  the  name  of  your  publisher  is  NELSON,  who  obviously 
ought  to  have  known  better.  He  ought  to  have  said,  "  Now, 
Mr.  MASEFIELD,  you  have  a  wonderfully  fertile  imagination^ 
and  you  know  everything  there  is  to  be  known  about  sailing 
sloops  and  chopping  a  path  through  unexplored  forests; 
also  you  have  given  us  some  very  pretty  characters  here  N»,,;  faa,8,tcamcr  wf  discharging  her  cargo  at  the  Quay  Ernest  Renawi, 


bear  the  cold  light  of  reflection.  But  this,  after  all,  is  no 
great  matter.  Syntax  is  of  less  value  than  sincerity;  and 
for  this  virtue  above  all  others  do  I  subscribe  myself  the 
author's  most  appreciative  and  grateful  debtor. 


The  Odd  Job  Man. 

Beneath  a  drawing  in  The  Illustrated  London  News,  illus- 
trative of  aboriginal  rites  in  Australia,  these  words  appear : 
"Only  men  are  present  and  there  may  be  as  many  as  fifty  of  them 
f  T,  ,l.  Whita  strcaks  Paillted  on  their  bodies.     (Drawn  by  our  special 

ii  i  tiSG.  j 

No  doubt  he  makes  quite  a  nice  little  addition  to  his  in- 


come in  this 


way. 


notably  Dick,  the  smuggler   sod  Mr   Theodore  Mora  rhP  wit      !          l  aV°  m,ove  alld  sl'lllle<1  bodily  int 

,     ' .  aorc  Mora,  the    with  a  large  crane,  piles  of  merchandise,  and  a  wagon.     The 

imaster  who  was  destined  to  be  a  god.     Why   of  the  quay  are  thought  to  have  been  faulty. "— Daily  Mi^l 
d  you  leave  us  with  this  unsatisfactory  ending  ?    It 's  !  Surely  not 


FEBRUARY  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


91 


A    LARGE    ORDER. 

Cabby.  "WHERE  TO?"  Porter.  " YOU'VE  GOT  TO  FOLLOW  THE  TAXI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

"  THERE  are  no  English  Cabinet- 
makers," said  a  witness  to  the  Alien 
Immigration  Board.  Mr.  REDMOND,  of 
course,  is  of  Irish  extraction. 

A  few  years  ago,  Dr.  AKED  was 
persuaded  to  take  up  duty  in  the 
United  States.  Now  the  well-known 
Nonconformist  Minister,  Dr.  JOWETT, 
has  received  and  accepted  a  similar 
invitation.  Might  we  draw  the  atten- 
tion of  our  American  cousins  to  the 
claims  of  Dr.  CLIFFORD  ? 
*  -.;: 

"Nerves,"  says  the  KAISER,  "will 
win  the  next  war."  Times  change. 
An  earlier  C.KSAR  overcame  the  Ner- 
vians.  ...  ... 

"£14,426,700  DOCK  SCHEME 

EVERY  DOCK  IN  LONDON  TO  BE 

IMPROVED." 

This  is  misleading,  and  calculated 
to  cause  serious  disappointment  to 
those  persons  who  imagine  that  when 
next  they  appear  at  the  Old  Bailey 
they  will  iind  themselves  in  a  richly 
upholstered  dock  provided  with  a 
lounge  chair  in  crimson  plush. 


"  How  can  they  afford  it  ? "  re- 
marked a  playgoer  at  a  certain  Music 
Hall.  LOIE  FULLER  had  just  presented 
for  the  first  time  in  London  a  charming 
unpublished  ballet  by  MOZART — and 
the  very  next  turn  was  MOZART  him- 
self— "  in  his  original  and  excruciatingly 
funny  Travesties  on  Every  Day  Events." 

"  Women,"  says  Lord  EGBERT  CECIL, 
"are  more  self-sacrificing  than  men." 
We  agree  with  his  lordship.  Show  us 
the  man  who  would  bo  willing  to 
make  a  guy  of  himself  for  the  sake 
of  being  in  the  fashion. 

It  is  a  curious  fact,  not,  we  believe, 
mentioned  by  any  of  our  contem- 
poraries, that  the  late  Mr.  MAC- 
WHIHTER'S  pictures  were  never  popular 
among  schoolboys.  Wo  understand 
that  they  resented  the  frequency  with 
which  this  distinguished  painter 
glorified  the  birch. 

#  * 

"  We  stand,"  says  The  Field,  "  in  a 
much  better  position  in  aviation  rela- 
tively than  we  djd  in  motoring  ten 
years  ago.  .  .  .  Our  aviators  probably 
run  into  throe  figures."  Yes,  the 
motorists  ran  into  more  than  that. 


There  is,  as  a  rule,  so  much  jealousy 
between  our  daily  papers  that  it  is  a 
pleasure  to  find  The  Daily  Mail  in- 
augurating a  campaign  in  favour  of 
"Standard"  bread. 

The  warders  of  our  prisons  are  now- 
agitating  for  an  improvement  in  their 
conditions  of  employment.  To  mention 
but  one  hardship,  it  is  said  if  a  warder, 
while  in  charge  of  men,  should  be  seen 
to  turn  his  head  away  for  a  moment, 
he  may  have  a  shilling  deducted  from 
his  pay  and  lose  his  Saturday  half- 
holiday.  We  understand  that  even 
the  prisoners,  whom  one  would  not 
suspect  of  having  much  sympathy  for 
the  warders,  are  in  favour  of  having 
this  grievance  removed. 

Burglars  entered  the  Archdeaconry 
library  at  Huntingdon,  the  other  day, 
and  stole  several  volumes  of  valuable 
theological  works.  They  did  not  stay 
to  read  them,  fearing,  no  doubt,  lest 
they  might  be  surprised  asleep. 

We  arc  glad  to  see  that  our  Royal 
Academy  still  sets  its  face  against  sensa- 
tionalism. It  will  be  noticed  that  its 
list  of  new  Associates  did  not  include 
the  name  of  PETER  THE  PAINTER. 


92 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


THOUGHTS   ON   THE   COMING  CENSUS.-II. 

[If  any  member  of  a   household  is  deaf  and  dumb,  blind,  a  lunatic, 
imbecile,  or  feeble-minded,  the  fact  has  to  be  given.] 
\VHKN  last  your  father  filled  for  you 
The  census-roll,  he  had  no  knotty 
Riddles  to  guess  ;  he  knew  your  name, 
Your  age  and  health  of  mind  and  frame ; 
Thus :  "  Betty,  spinster,  15.2, 

Not  deaf,  nor  blind,  nor  dumb,  nor  dotty." 

Since  that  occasion  I  have  wooed 
And  found  you  stiff  with  indecision ; 

So  if  he  knows  the  facts  about 

That  fatal  error  he  will  doubt 

Whether  your  senses  still  include 
The  almost  priceless  gift  of  Vision. 

Blind  to  my  charms !  or,  sadder  yet, 
You  had  your  mental  optics  blinded  ; 

You  loved  my  nose,  but  failed  to  trace 

A  corresponding  inward  grace, 

And  so  your  sire  will  have  to  set 

His  daughter  down  as  feeble-minded. 

I  have  admirers,  men  of  weight, 

Who  hold  that  I,  too,  lost  my  head  (you  '11 
Pardon  this  view) ;  I,  too,  was  blind 
(To  your  defects  of  form  and  mind), 
And  ought  to  have  my  shocking  state 
Frankly  recorded  in  the  schedule. 

Two  cases,  similarly  sad ! 

Yet  there  's  a  solace  to  beguile  'em  : — 
Let  you  and  me,  my  dear,  repair 
Each  to  the  other's  arms,  and  there 
Win  what  they  need,  the  blind  and  mad — 

A  safe  and  permanent  Asylum.  O.  S. 


THE    GREATEST    LITTLE    LION. 

THE  house  was  in  that  part  of  West  Kensington  which 
is  better  known  to  its  inhabitants  as  Kensington,  W.  My 
host  came  out  of  his  drawing-room  the  moment  the  bell 
rang.  It  was  his  invariable  custom  thus  to  waylay  the 
arriving  guest  and  whisper  into  his  ear  the  names  and 
achievements  of  those  already  assembled.  Everybody  you 
met  there  had  achieved  something. 

On  this  occasion  he  wrestled  with  an  unusual  amount  of 
subdued  triumph.  "  So  glad  you  'vo  come.  You  're  just  in 
time  to  meet  Evelyn  Starker.  Just  dropped  in  quite 
informally,  you  know.  No  ceremony  or  anything  of  that 
sort." 

"  Very  glad  to  meet  her,"  I  murmured. 

"  Her !  My  good  man,  you  don't  mean  to  say  you 
haven't  heard  of  Evelyn  Starker  ?  You  've  read  his  books, 
anyway.  He  wrote  Fallacy  or  Phantasy  and  The  Duke's 
Diogenes  and — and  lots  of  others.  Come  on  in.  You  '11 
find  him  awfully  affable  and  nice — considering  what  he  is." 

I  found  the  Greatest  Little  Lion  standing  with  his 
back  to  the  fire.  Before  him  in  a  semi-circle  sat  the 
Great  Little  Lions.  Beyond  these  stood  a  fringe  of  Lesser 
Little  Lions. 

I  was  introduced  to  Mr.  Starker.  He  acknowledged  mj 
presence  by  closing  his  eyes  for  nine  seconds  and  then 
glancing  in  my  direction  for  nearly  two. 

"  Editors,"  he  remarked,  "  are  consistent  only  in  their 
inconsistency." 

The  Great  Little  Lions  looked  at  each  other  in  delightec 
amazement,  and  I  noticed  one  of  the  Lesser  Little  Lion: 
hastily  scribbling  upon  his  shjrtcuff. 


I  shook  my  head.     "  I  am  not  an  Editor,"  I  said. 

Mr.  Starker  started  violently.'  "  I  didn't  say  you  were," 
ie  remarked  shortly.  "  I  was  continuing  the  conversation 
which  was  interrupted  by  your  arrival." 

I  retired  hastily  to  the  outer  fringe  of  Lesser  Little 
Lions.  The  inner  circle  would  have  to  turn  right  round 
f  they  wanted  to  look  at  me  like  that  again. 

"  Editors,"  he  continued,  "  so  rarely  recognise  that  they 
are  the  slaves  of  the  Contributor — and  not  his  masters." 

"Hear!  Hear!"  roared  four  of  the  Lesser  Little  Lions 
n  chorus. 

"I  mean  by  'Contributor,'  of  course,  a  man  who  has 
made  his  mark  in  the  literary  world.  I  do  not  refer  to 
the  legions  of  would-be  Contributors  who  vent  their  spleen 
and  disappointment  by  abusing  Editors." 

"  Hear!  Hear!  "  cried  two  of  the  Great  Little  Lions. 

"  I  will  give  you  an  example  which  occurred  to  myself. 
[t  was  in  connection  with  a  paper  which  has  established 
'or  itself  the  reputation  of  being  the  leading  journal  of 
poetic  culture." 

"  That 's  The  Warbler,"  explained  our  host  in  a  stage 
whisper.  "  He  writes  for  it." 

"  The  Editor  has  actually  had  the  impertinence  to  return 
my  work  with  criticisms  on  it!  " 

"Never!"  roared  the  Lions  of  all  degrees.   "Impossible!" 

"  Criticise  it  and  point  out  what  he  considered  to  be  its 
aults ! " 

"I  wish  more  Editors  would  do  that,"  I  said  regretfully. 

The  Greatest  Little  Lion  carefully  adjusted  his  glasses, 
5ut  back  his  head,  and  regarded  me  with  patronising 
nterest.  "  What  would  be  an  encouragement,"  he  said 
slowly,  "to'  a  young  beginner  is,  I  repeat,  an  insult  to 
,  man  who  wrote  before  the  Editor  of  The  Warbler  had 
iver  been  heard  of.  To  criticise  a  finished  author — 
He  paused  impressively. 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  said.  "  Don't  say  that.  I  expect  you've  only 
run  dry  temporarily.  All  great  writers  suffer  from  that." 

Mr.  Starker  put  his  head  back  still  further  and  blew 
shortly  and  sharply  through  his  nose. 

The  artist  in  the  front  row,  who  had  "  quite  nearly " 
had  a  picture  hung,  turned  on  me  reprovingly.  "  Mr. 
Starker  never  dries  up,"  she  said. 

The  great  author  still  regarded  me  fixedly.  "Perhaps," 
he  remarked  ponderously,  "  we  regard  the  matter  from 
opposite  ends  of  the  literary  ladder.  I  repeat  that  I  con- 
sider it  downright  impertinence  of  the  Editor  to  return 
the  work  of  a  man  who  has  published  no  fewer  than  five 
books  of  serious  verse." 

"  But  you  have  had  something  in  TJie  Warbkr  ? " 
implored  our  host. 

He  stroked  back  his  raven  locks  with  one  hand  and 
smiled  quietly  but  triumphantly. 

"  The  Warbler  published  a  little  thing  of  mine  called 
'  Rulers  of  Rimmon  '  about  two  years  ago,"  he  remarked 
with  unconvincing  carelessness. 

"  Ah !  "  said  the  Little  Lions  rapturously. 
" Really?    Was  that  yours  ?  "  I  asked. 
The   Greatest   Little  Lion  unbent.     "Why?     Did   you 
see  it  ?     Do  you  remember  it  after  all  this  time  ?  " 
"  I  have  got  it  pasted  in  a  book  at  home,"  I  replied. 
"  Some  day,"  he  said,  beaming  patronisingly  upon  me, 
"  people  may  cut  out  some  of  your  work  and  paste  it  in  a 
book.      Don't  bo  disheartened.     Go  on  trying.     Remember 
my  encouragement   next   time  you   read  my  little  poem 
in  your  book." 

"  I  'm  afraid  I  can't  read  it  now,"  I  explained,  when  the 
applause  had  subsided,  "  because  it 's  on  the  sticky  side. 
You  see,  it  happened  to  be  printed  on  the  back  of  one  of 
my  own." 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVABI.— FKmttfAHY  8.  1911. 


ANOTHER    'DECLARATION   OF  LONDON." 

LONDON  (with  plan  for  a  vast  development  of  her  Port).   "  I  DECLAEE   THIS   SCHEME  WELL  AND 
TEULY  LAID." 

JOHN  BULL.  "  WISH  ALL  YOUR  DECLARATIONS  WERE  AS  SOUND  AS  THAT." 

[The  International  Agreement  known  as  the  Declaration  of  London,  which  still  awaits  ratification,  contains  certain  rules  of  Naval  War 
wm  li  have  met  with  strong  protest  on  the  part  of  various  Chambers  of  Commerce.] 


FEBRUARY  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


i. 


Niece.  "  AUNTIE,  so  COME  IN  THE  GARDEN— I  WANT  TO  snow  YOU  TO  THE  DUCKS." 


THE     CREW. 

(To  P.  C.  B.) 
LAST  week  it  was  my  lot,  dear  FRANK, 

A  tow-path  horse  bestriding, 
Along  the  Cam's  familiar  bank 

To  witch  the  world  with  riding. 

With  all  the  undergraduate's  rash 

Contempt  of  wintry  weather 
The  zephyred  crew  set  out  to  flash 

Their  eight  blue  blades  together. 

Their  catch  was  fair,  their  swing  was  slow 
(Though  much  their  coxswain  chid  it) ; 

Their  faces  showed  they  meant  to  row, 
And  pretty  well  they  did  it. 

That  arbiter  of  life  and  death, 
Their  coach,  had  lots  to  teach  them ; 

He  spoke  a  shade  above  his  breath, 
And  thus  contrived  to  reach  them. 

Beginnings  were,  he  said,  the  root 

Of  his  aquatic  system  ; 
The  lack  of  these  entailed  the  "  boot " — 

He  marvelled  why  they  missed  'em. 

And,  not  as  one  who  quoted  hymns, 

But  yet  with  moderation, 
He  mentioned  all  their  youthful  limbs 

And  each  articulation. 


He  praised  a  wrist,  reproved  an  arm ; 

Their  legs,  he  thought,  were  so-so. 
Their  hands,  he  added,  did  the  harm 

And  really  made  them  row  so. 

"  Your  strokes,"  he  said,  "  should  be  designed 

With  something  nearer  vigour. 
Reach  out  and  grip  it  well  behind, 

And  dislocate  your  rigger." 

And  so  with  many  a  cheerful  shout 

He  scored  his  patient  eight  off, 
Declaring  Three  must  hold  it  out 

And  Six  must  get  his  weight  off; 

With  wise  advice  to  nil  the  rest : 
How  they  might  charm  beholders 

With  straightened  back,  or  bulging  chest, 
Or  hips,  or  knees,  or  shoulders. 

He  spoke  them  fair,  he  spoke  them  free, 

Imparting  stacks  of  knowledge, 
And  did  his  best  that  each  should  be 

A  credit  to  his  College, 

And  row  the  race  so  well  that  you 

And  I  may  see  them  win  it. 
P.S.     I  write  about  the  crew 

Because  your  grandson 's  in  it ! 


Tis. 


A  Morning  Post-Impressionist — the  Editor  of  The  West- 
minster Gazette. 


96 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


LITTLE    PLAYS   FOR    AMATEURS. 

IV. — "AT  DEAD  OF  NIGHT." 
The  stage  is  in  semi-darkness  as  Die 
Trayle    throws    open   the   windoi 
from  outside,  puts  hi*  knee  on  th 
sill,   and  falls   carefully  into    th 
drau-inij-room  of  Beeste  Hall.     II 
is  dressed  in  a  knickcrbocker  sui 
with  arrows  on  it   (such  as  cat 
always  be  borrowed  from  a  friend] 
and,  to  judge  from  the  noises  irluc 
he  emits,  in  not  in  the  best  of  train 
iiuj.     The  lights  go  on  sudi/i-nli/ 
and  he  sliould  seize  this  moment  t< 
stagger  to  the  door  and  turn  on  the 
switch.     This  done  he  sinks  into  the 
nearest  cJiair  and  closes  his  eyes. 

If  lie  has  been  dancing  very  late 

the  night  before  he  may  drop  into  a 

peaceful  sleep;  in  which  case  the 

play    ends    here.      Otherwise,    no 

sooner  are  his  eyes  closed  than  he 

opens  them  with  a  sudden  start  and 

looks  round  in  terror. 

Dick  (striking  the  keynote  at  once). 

No,  no !     Let  me  out — I  am  innocent ! 

(He  gives  a  gasp  of  relief  as  he  realises 

the  situation.)    Free !    It  is  true,  then ! 

I  have  escaped !    I  dreamed  that  I  was 

back  in  prison  again !     (He   shudders 

and  helps  himself  to  a  large  whisky-and- 

soda,  which  he  swallows  at  a  gulp.) 

That 's  better !  Now  I  feel  a  new  man 

— the  man  I   was    three    years   ago 

Three  years !     It  has  been  a  lifetime ! 

(Pathetically  to  the  audience)    Where 

is  Millicent  now  ? 

[He  falls  into  a  reverie,  from  which 
he  is  suddenly  wakened  by  a  noise 
outside.  He  starts,  and  then  creeps 
rapidly  to  the  switch,  arriving  there 
at  the  moment  when  the  lights  go 
out.  Thence  he  goes  swiftly  behind 
the  window  curtain.  The  lights  go 
up  again  as  Jasper  Beeste  comes  in 
with  a  revolver  in  one  liand  and  a 
bull's-eye  lantern  of  apparently 
enormous  candle  power  in  the  other. 
Jasper  (in  immaculate  evening  dress). 
I  thought  I  heard  a  noise,  so  I  slipped 
on  some  old  things  hurriedly  and  came 
down.  (Fingering  his  perfectly  -  tied 
tie.)  But  there  seems  to  be  nobody 
here.  (Turns  round  suddenly  to  the 
window)  Ha,  who's  there?  Hands 
jp,  blow  you — (He  ought  to  swear  rather 
badly  here,  really) — hands  up,  or  I  fire  ! 
[The  stage  is  suddenly  plunged  into 
darkness,  there  is  the  noise  of  a 
struggle,  and  the  lights  go  on  to 
reveal  Jasper  by  the  door  covering 
Dick  with  his  revolver. 
Jasper.  Let's  have  a  little  light  on 
you.  (Brutally.)  Now  then,  my  man, 
what  have  you  got  to  say  for  yourself  ? 
Ha !  An  escaped  convict,  eh  ? 

Dick  (to  himself  in  amazement).  Jas- 
per Beeste ! 


Jasper.  So  you  know  my  name  ? 
Dick  (in  the  tones  of  a  man  whose 
whole   life   has   been    blighted    by    the 
machinations   of  a  false  friend).  Yes, 
Jasper  Beeste,  I  know  your  name.   For 
two  years  I  have  said  it  to  myself  ever; 
night,  when  I  prayed  Heaven  that  '. 
should  meet  you  again. 

Jasper.  Again?  (Uneasily)  Wehav 
met  before? 

Dick  (slowly).  We  have  met  before 
Jasper  Beeste.  Since  then  I  have  live^ 
a  lifetime  of  misery.  You  may  wellfai 
to  recognise  me. 

[Enter  Millicent  Wilsdon — in  o 
dressing-gown,  with  her  hair  over 
her  shoulders,  if  the  county  tviL 
stand  it. 

Millicent  (to  Jasper).  I  couldn't  sleep 
— I  heard  a  noise — I — (suddenly  seeing 
the  other)  Dick  !  (She  trembles.) 

Dick.  Millicent !    (He  trembles  too.) 

Jasper.  Trayle  !     (So  does  he) 

Dick  (bitterly).  You  shrink  from  me, 
Millicent.  (With  strong  common  sense] 
What  is  an  escaped  convict  to  the 
Beautiful  Miss  Wilsdon  ? 

Millicent.  Dick — I — you — when  you 
were  sentenced 

Dick.  When  I  was  sentenced — the 
evidence  was  black  against  me,  I  admit 
— I  wrote  and  released  you  from  your 
engagement.  You  are  married  now  ? 

Millicent  (throwinq  herself  on  a  sofa). 
Oh,  Dick ! 

Jasper  (recovering  himself).  Enough 
of  this.  Miss  Wilsdon  is  going  to 
marry  me  to-morrow. 

Dick.  To  marry  you !  (He  strides 
*ver  to  tlie  sofa  and  putts  Millicent  to 
her  feet.)  Millicent,  look  me  in  the 
iyes  !  Do  you  love  him  ?  (She  turns 
iway)  Say  "  Yes  "  and  I  will  go  back 
[uietly  to  my  prison.  (She  raises  her 
yes  to  his.)  Ha  !  I  thought  so !  You 
lon't  love  him  !  Now  then  I  can  speak. 

Jasper  (advancing  threateningly).  Yes, 
o  your  friends  the  warders.  Millicent, 
ing  the  bell. 

Dick  (wresting  the  revolver  from  his 
rasp).  Ha,  would  you?  Now  stand 
iver  there  and  listen  to  me.  (He 
arranges  his  audience,  Millicent  on  a  sofa 
>n  the  right,  Jasper,  biting  his  finger 
tails,  on  the  left.)  Three  years  ago 
..ady  Wilsdon's  diamond  necklace  was 
tolen.  My  flat  was  searched  and  the 
lecklace  was  found  in  my  hatbox. 
Although  I  protested  my  innocence  I 
was  tried,  found  guilty,  and  sentenced 
o  ten  years  penal  servitude,  followed 

fifteen  years  police  supervision. 

Millicent  (raising  herself  on  the  sofa). 
)ick,  you  were  innocent — I  know  it. 
She  flops  back  again.) 

Dick.  I  was.     But  how  could  I  prove 
I   went  to  prison.     For  a   year 
lack  despair  gnawed  at  my  heart.    And 
hen   something  happened.     The  pri- 


soner in  the  coll  next  to  mine  tried  to 
communicate  with  me  by  means  of  taps 
We  soon  arranged  a  system  and  hole 
conversations  together.  One  day  he 
told  me  of  a  robbery  in  which  he  anc 
another  man  had  been  engaged — the 
robbery  of  a  diamond  necklace. 

Jasper  (jauntily).  Well  ? 

Dick  (sternly).  A  diamond  necklace, 
Jasper  Beeste,  which  the  other  man  hid 
in  the  hatbox  of  another  man  in  order 
that  he  might  woo  the  other  man's 
fiancee  !  (Millicent  shrieks.) 

Jasper  (blusteringly).     Bah  ! 

Dick  (quietly).     The  man  in  the  cell 
next  to  mine  wants  to  meet  this  gen 
tleman  again.     It  seems  that  he  has 
some  old  scores  to  pay  off. 

Jasper  (sneeringly).  And  where  is  ho  ? 

Dick.  Ah,  where  is  he?  (He  goes  to 
the  window  and  gives  a  low  whistle. 
A  Stranger  in  knickerbockers  jumps  in 
and  advances  with  a  crab-like  move- 
ment.) Good !  here  you  are.  Allow 
me  to  present  you  to  Mr.  Jasper  Beeste. 

Jasper  (in  horror).  Two-toed  Thomas ! 
I  am  undone ! 

Two-toed  Thomas  (after  a  series  of 
unintelligible  snarls).  Say  the  word, 
^uv'nor,  and  I  '11  kill  him.  (He  proids 
'•ound  Jasper  thoughtfully.) 

Dick  (sternly).  Stand  back !  Now, 
Jasper  Beeste,  what  have  you  to  say? 

Jasper  (hysterically).  I  confess.  I 
will  sign  anything.  I  will  go  to  prison. 
Only  keep  that  man  off  me. 

Dick  (going  up  to  a  bureau  and  writ- 
ing aloud  at  incredible  speed).  "  I, 
Jasper  Beeste,  of  Beeste  Hall,  do  hereby 
declare  that  I  stole  Lady  Wilsdon's 
diamond  necklace  and  hid  it  in  the  hat- 
jox  of  Richard  Trayle ;  and  I  further 
declare  that  the  said  Richard  Trayle 
is  innocent  of  any  complicity  in  the 
affair."  (Advancing  with  the  paper  and 
a  fountain  pen.)  Sign,  please. 

[Jasper  signs.  At  this  moment  two 
warders  burst  into  the  room. 

First  Warder.  There  they  are ! 

[He  seizes  Dick.  Two-toed  Thomas 
leaps  from  the  window,  pursued  by 
the  second  Warder.  Millicent  picks 
up  the  confession  and  advances 
dramatically. 

Millicent.  Do  not  touch  that  man ! 
rtead  this ! 

[She  hands  him  the  confession  with 
an  air  of  superb  pride. 

First  Warder  (reading).  Jasper 
Beeste !  (Slipping  a  pair  of  handcuffs 
<n  Jasper.)  You  come  along  with  me, 
my  man.  We  've  had  our  suspicions 
>f  you  for  some  time.  (To  Millicent, 
i-ith  a  nod  at  Dick)  You  '11  look  after 
h'at  gentleman,  miss  ? 

Millicent.    Of  course  !       Why,  he 's 
ngaged  to  me.     Aren't  you,  Dick  ? 
Dick.  This  time,  Millicent,  for  ever ! 
CURTAIN.        A.  A.  M. 


FEBRUARY  8.  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI.  97 


Jason  Jilw/g  (of  nttsburg).  "WELL,  BYPATH,  WHICH  OK  'EM  HAYK  von  CONCLUDED  10  TAKE?— THE  EARL  OF  OLDPABK  OB  COUNT 
APPOGGIATUKA  '( " 

Miss  Hypatia.  "I'M  GOING  TO  AWAIT  DEVELOPMENTS,  POP.    IF  THE  EARL  LOSES  HIS  VETO,  MAYBB  I'LL  TAK*  THB  C 


98 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


RECORD    NOVELIST. 

[NTEBVIEW  WITH  MB.  SILA  SHOCKING. 
A  GREAT  MANUFACTUKKH. 

Mi:.  SILA  SHOCKING  is  indeed  to  be 
envied.  Thougli  still  in  the  prime  of 
ife— he  wears  a  full  beard  hardly 
touched  with  grey,  and  is  the  proud 
possessor  of  a  golf  handicap  of  36 — he 
!s  admittedly  the  Captain-General  of 
;he  most  typical  modern  industry — 
that  of  novel-making.  The  Duili/ 
Chronicle  has  already  told  us  the  thril- 
.ing  history  of  his  early  years  and  the 
noble  principles  which  inform  his  new 
masterpiece,  a  great  cricketing  story 
with  a  strong  ethical  interest,  which  is 
appearing  serially  in  a  leading  journal, 
but  some  further  particulars,  gleaned 
by  a  plucky  representative  of  Punch, 
who  scaled  the  heights  of  Highgate  in 
the  pursuance  of  his  duty,  may  not  be 
unacceptable  to  those  who  love  to  learn 
of  the  prosperity  of  our  prominent 
penmen. 

In  his  early  years,  Mr.  Shocking  was 
almost  entirely  immersed  in  the  study 
of  theology,  metaphysics,  conchology 
and  kindred  subjects,  but  the  call  of 
romance  was  not  to  be  resisted,  though 
for  long  he  turned  a  deaf  ear  to  these 
siren  voices.  "  Often  enough,"  he  said, 
the  impulse  came  upon  me,  and  plots 
evolved  themselves  almost  uncon- 
sciously in  my  mind,  but  I  put  the 
temptation  aside.  It  was  not  till  many 
years  had  elapsed  that  I  became  con- 
vinced that  my  capacity  for  influencing 
my  fellow  men  for  good  would  be 
enormously  enhanced  by  my  abandon- 
ing the  pulpit  for  the  pen — by  my 
turning  my  sermons  into  novels.  Since 
then  my  pen,  or  perhaps  I  should  say 
my  phonograph,  has  known  no  rest. 
The  process  of  preparation  is  arduous, 
involving  long  journeys,  nights  spent 
in  sleeping-cars,  horseback  riding — 
I  was  once  run  away  with  by  a  Mexican 
mustang,  another  time  I  was  badly 
shaken  by  a  fall  from  a  camel  in  Egypt 
— but  when  once  my  material  is  col- 
lected it  is  plain  sailing.  Formerly 
I  wrote,  now  I  dictate  everything  to 
the  phonograph." 

"  Have  you  any  time  for  meals  ?  " 
timidly  queried  our  representative. 

"  Not  much,"  replied  the  intrepid 
litterateur.  "  A  thimbleful  of  tea  at 
8  a.m.,  a  hasty  snack  at  1  o'clock,  and 
a  poached  egg  and  a  banana  before  I 
retire  to  rest  at  12.30 — that  is  my  usual 
regimen.  I  drink  barley-water  most 
days,  but  in  the  summer  I  own  to  a 
weakness  for  gingerbeer  and  raspberry 
vinegar." 

"  Do  you  hold  any  views  on  the 
Bread  question?" 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Shocking,  "  I  am 
a  whole-hearted  whole-mealer.  I  once 


wrote  a  novel  on  a  diet  of  white  bread, 
but  it  barely  sold  100,000  copies.  _  It 
was  a  romance  of  the  Cornish  Riviera 
describing  the   abortive   attempt  of  a 
South  African  millionaire  to  establish 
.  Casino  at  Tintagel,  and  his  terrible 
nd.     I  took  the  greatest  pains  to  make 
my  meaning  perfectly  and  unmistakably 
lear.      But    somehow    or    other    my 
ragcdy  and  comedy  became  hopelessly 
and  inextricably  mixed,  and  my  char- 
acters   became    quite     unmanageable. 
The  book,  in  short,  was  a  failure,  and 
I  only  cleared  £5,000  by  the  sales." 

Turning  to  the  question  of  his  colossal 
licnttk,  Mr.  Shocking  said  that  his 
readers  could  be  numbered  by  millions 
n  the  Midlands  before  the  sale  of  his 
jooks  climbed  into  hundreds  of  thou- 
sands in  London.  It  was  only  by 
degrees  that  he  had  stormed  the  citadel 
of  metropolitan  fame,  and  even  still 
;here  were  houses  in  Mayfair  where 
lis  name  was  practically  unknown,  ex- 
cept in  the  basement.  Of  late,  too,  he 
lad  begun  to  sell  widely  in  the  Isle  of 
Man  and  Stratford-on-Avon  in  spite  of 
strenuous  local  competition.  Beyond 
;heso  areas,  Manchuria,  Japan,  Korea, 
Heligoland  and  the  Falkland  Islands 
were  countries  where  Mr.  Shocking's 
stories  are  every  day  gaining  a  wider 
vogue.  Translations  already  exist  in 
Romany,  JJrdu,  Basque,  Aztec  and 
Esperanto. 

The  statistics  relating  to  Mr.  Shock- 
ing's  output  are  worth  recording.  The 
total  number  of  copies  of  his  books  in 
circulation  is  estimated  at  ten  quintill- 
ions  (it  will  be  remembered  that  a 
quintillion=a  billion  penillions).  The 
paper  on  which  these  copies  is  printed, 
if  spread  out  flat,  would  carpet  the 
entire  Solar  system,  and,  if  piled  in  a 
vertical  heap,  would  reach  to  Mars. 
The  amount  of  printer's  ink  consumed 
on  these  immortal  tomes  would  fill  the 
Caspian  Sea.  In  writing  his  books, 
again,  before  he  took  to  the  phono- 
graph, Mr.  Shocking  used  up  2,743 
quill  pens,  590  stylographs,  411  foun- 
tain pens,  and  33,775  steel  nibs.  The 
process  of  revision  accounted  for 
three  tons  of  blue  lead,  and  70,398 
sheets  of  blotting-paper  were  ex- 
hausted in  drying  the  manuscript. 
Furthermore  Mr.  Shocking  has,  in  the 
search  for  the  requisite  local  colour, 
travelled  30,000  miles  on  bicycles, 
160,000  miles  in  motor  cars,  and  24 ,000 
miles  on  donkeys,  camels  and  elephants. 
Mr.  Shocking  has  been  interviewed  in 
all  nearly  five  thousand  times,  and 
he  is  the  proud  recipient  of  the  Order 
of  the  Purple  Patch  (Servia),  the  Golden 
Gasometer  (Costa  Rica),  and  the  Hokey 
Fly  (Ireland),  besides  being  an  Honorary 
LL.D.  of  the  University  of  Tipper- 
usalem,  and  a  D.D.  of  Monte  Carlo. 


TO  THE  PERENNIAL  RABBIT. 

THE  Savage  by  primeval  Thames, 

Lurking,  the  mammoth  to  waylay, 
Amid  the  awful  forest  stems, 

On  some  far,  dim,  forgotten  day, 
As  that  vast  bulk  of  brawn  and  beef 

Squelched  off  unscathed  through  lone 

morasses, 
Would  turn,  I  doubt  not,  with  relief 

To  where  you  scuttled  in  the  grasses  \ 

Perhaps  my  cave-man  blood's  to  blame, 

For — atavistic  taint — I  too 
Have  dropped  a  more  exacting  game, 

Bunny,  to  have  a  bang  at  you  ; 
The  driven  partridge  missed  in  front, 

And  eke  behind,  lacks  serious  merit 
Beside  a  sunny  hedge-row  hunt, 

A  terrier  and  an  active  ferret  \ 

Give  me  a  summer  afternoon, 

An  air-gun  and  the  drone  of  bees, 
The  water-meadows  lush  with  June, 

A  stalk  among  the  Alderneys ; 
Then,  hit  or  miss,  I  care  no-ways, 

In  such  surroundings  I  consider 
You  're  worth  a  hundred  storm-swepfc 
braes 

And  all  the  royals  in  Balquidder  \ 

Indeed,  wherever  I  may  go, 

Through  summer  woods,  by  wintry 

fell, 
I  've  found  you,  in  the  sun  or  snow, 

A  friendly  little  Ishmael ; 
Along  the  southern  trout-stream  banks, 

Or  with  the  ptarmigan  consorting, 
You  've  always  earned  my  grateful 
thanks, 

And  in  all  seasons  acted  sporting  \ 

Hushed  is  the  hairy  mammoths'  roar 

And  gone  the  mastodon  uncouth 
Down  to  decay  with  dinosaur, 

Aurochs,  and  fearsome  sabre-tooth  ; 
But  you,  small  beast  in  hodden-gray, 

Survive,  and  will,  I  take  for  granted, 
Be  here  when  I  am  dust,  to  play 

In  moonlit  covers  still  unplanted  \ 


"A  gentleman,  34  years  of  age,  tall,  strong 
and  healthy,  shortly  returning  to  Australia, 
wishes  to  meet  a  lady  and  marry  her  before 
doing  so." — Advt.  in  "Matrimonial  Times." 

Advice  to  those  about  to  marry  :  Meet 
the  lady  first. 


From  The  Daily  Telegraph's  account 
of  a  dinner  of  the  German  colony  in 
London : — 

"The  speeches  were  entirely  in  German,  the 
remainder  of  the  evening  being  devoted  to  har- 
mony." 

This  is  the  kind  of  report  that  does 
so  much  for  the  softening  of  Anglo- 
German  relations. 


FEHHUARY  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Sportsman.  "1  SHOT  A  WRETCHED  PHI  nv  MISTAKE  WHEN  AFTER  SNIPE  SEAR  Foo  Siso.      THE  VILLAGERS  WOULD  NOT  LISTEN  TO 

MY    APOLOGIES,    BUT    BEHAVED    IN   A   PERFECTLY    SCANDALOUS     MANNER— TAKING    AWAY     MY    GUN,     KNOCKING    ME    DOWN— AND—  AND— 
JUMPING  ON   MY  STOMACH    UNTIL  HY  BLOOD  BOILSD." 


THE  PUBIST; 
OK,  ANY  EXCUSE. 

["I  beg  to  again  most  respectfully  call  your  attention  to  the  above 
overdue  account  previously  rendered,  and  trust  you  will  now  favour 
me,  etc."] 

SIR,  when  I  noticed  the  message  appended  to 
This  your  too-frequently  rendered  account, 

Grabbing  my  cheque-book  I  fully  intended  to 
Settle  at  once  for  the  mentioned  amount ; 

Reached  for  the  ink-pot — then,  glancing  again, 

Sadly  closed  cheque-book  and  laid  aside  pen. 

What,  my  dear  Sir,  did  you  wantonly,  viciously, 
"  Beg  to  again  most  respectfully  call  ?  " 

Most  of  your  missives  arrive  inauspiciously — 
This  was  the  bitterest  blow  of  them  all! 

English  infinitives,  may  I  submit, 

Are  not,  like  sodas,  the  better  when  split. 

So,  as  I  gazed  at  this  bill  for  my  raiment  that 
Seemed  to  go  back  such  a  horrible  way, 

All  the  brave  plans  for  immediate  payment  that 
Once  had  loomed  rosy  now  faded  to  grey ; 

"  Beg  to  again  most —  "  no,  let  the  thing  rest — 

Out  on  your  vilely  constructed  request ! 

No,  Sir,  I  would  have  discharged  with  celerity 

All  of  the  items  set  forth  on  your  claim, 
But  I  must  handle  with  fitting  severity 


One  so  completely  devoid  of  all  shame 
As  to  quite  unprovoked,  callously  go 
Splitting  a  harmless  infinitive  so ! 


THE  PUEPLE  PEESS. 
With  acknowledgments  to  "  The  Observer." 
"  THERE  for  the  moment  we  may  leave  this  soul-shaking 
announcement.  It  would  be  impossible  even  for  us  to  over- 
estimate its  portentous  gravity.  No  more  insidious  solvent 
has  been  administered  in  our  time  to  the  cement  which 
binds  together  the  stately  fabric  of  Empire.  The  struggle 
of  the  next  few  years  will  irrevocably  decide  the  future 
of  Great  and  Greater  Britain  and  its  place  amongst  the 
Great  Powers  of  the  world — if,  indeed,  we  are  to  keep  any 
place  among  them.  Already  the  writing  is  on  the  wall,  the 
words  of  warning  shine  out  in  luminous  fluorescence  for 
all  who  have  eyes  to  see— if,  indeed,  the  power  of  vision 
is  still  possessed  by  our  politicians.  But  we  are  not 
pessimistic.  Never  have  we  felt  less  so.  The  spectacle 
of  impending  peril  has  always  nerved  heroic  souls  to 
make  their  supremest  efforts.  There  must  be  no  falter- 
ing or  paltering  with  the  enemy.  Under  the  oriflamme 
of  an  unshakeable  resolve  the  Party  must  go  forward  in 
serried  ranks  to  shatter  into  infinitesimal  smithereens  the 
motley  hordes  of  the  squalid  coalition.  For  our  feet,  are 
-upon  the  mountains  and  our  face  is  towards  the  rising 
sun." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


Mauler.  "  I  'M  SORKY  TO  HEAR  YOUR  FATHER  DIED  LAST  NIGHT,  GEORGE.     I  D  NO  IDEA 

HE  WAS  SEKIOUSLY    ILL." 

Jarge.  "WuLL,  'TWERE  THIS  WAY.     DOCTOR  'E  COME  IN  THE  MARNIN',  AN'  MOTHER  SHE 

ASK  'UN  WHAT  SHE  WERE  TO  Gl'  FEYTHER,  AN'  DOCTOR  *E  SEZ,  '  GlE  'UN  ANYTHING  'E  'VIS 
A  MINI)  TO  ASK  FOR  ; '  AN'  MIDDLE  o'  THE  NIGHT,  FEYTHER  'E  ASKS  FOR  A  QUART  p'  BEER  ; 
MOTHER  SEZ,  'AIN'T  GOT  NO  BEER,'  GIVES  'UN  A  GLASS  OF  WATTER — KILLED  'Vtr!" 


THE  SCHOOL  FOR  VARIETY. 

MB.  GBAYSON  recommends  the  estab- 
lishment of  a  school  for  music-hall 
artistes  so  that  the  public  may  be 
spared  some  of  the  less  successful  turns. 

SCENE — Comic-patter  class. 

Professor. — It  is  a  wise  plan  to  think 
out  all  one's  jokes  for  one  imaginary 
person  in  the  audience  and  never  get 
above  his  head.  A  typical  gallery  boy 
for  choice  or,  when  addressing  the 
ladies,  a  gallery  girl.  It  is  true  that 
other  people  will  lie  in  the  hall,  but 


will  make  enough  of  the  others  laugh 
also ;  never  by  any  chance  say  anything 
new  or  fine.  Keep  it  all  to  the  lowest 
level  by  cynicism  and  suspicion.  See 
the  worst  of  everything  and  everybody. 
For  example,  if  you  sing  about  the  sea 
let  it  be  either  of  the  sickness  upon  it, 
the  fleas  in  the  lodging  houses  beside 
it,  or  the  adventurer  on  the  pier  who 
took  your  watch  and  chain.  Remember 
that  in  any  narrative  there  is  nothing 
really  funny  but  failure.  For  briefer 


CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  and 
the  HOME  SECRETARY.  After  that  there 
are  always  sausages  and  bananas  and 
kippers ;  the  mere  mention  of  such  will 
convulse  any  audience. 

SCENE — Pronunciation  Class. 

Professor.  Take  great  pains  to  keep 
your  voice  strictly  to  street  pitch,  and 
with  a  street  accent.  I  mean,  of  course, 
those  of  you  who  are  not  Scotch  or 
Lancashire  comedians.  These  may  do 
as  they  like  when  in  any  towns  not  in 
Scotland  or  Lancashire.  But  all  you 
London  singers  must  be  most  scrupu- 
lous to  retain  your  cockneyisms.  Thus, 
when  singing  of,  say,  a  man  named 
Brown  living  in  London  town,  be 
watchful  to  say  both  "  Breown  "  and 
"  teown."  Much  depends  on  it. 

SCENE — The  Serio-Comic  Class. 
Professor.  The  first  thing,  Ladies  (or 
shall  I  say,  "  Dears  "),  that  I  want  you 
to  understand  is  that  the  seat  of  the 
serio-comic  voice,  if  it  is  to  be  success- 
ful, is  not  the  chest,  but  the  back  of  the 
head.  Some  of  you  seem  to  have 
acquired  the  elements  of  voice-produc- 
tion. These  you  must  forget  as  quickly 
as  possible.  The  music-hall  public  does 
not  want  anything  but  what  it  has  had 
for  generations.  Eemember  that.  It 
expects  heady  nasal  notes,  and  you 
must  give  them. 

SCENE — Comic  Costume  Class. 

Professor.  The  first  essential  of  a 
comic  singer's  clothes  is  that  they  do 
not  fit.  If  they  fit,  the  song  cannot 
be  comic,  whatever  the  words.  Some 
of  you,  I  see,  have  trousers  that  are  not 
patched.  What  kind  of  chance  in  the 
profession  you  expect,  I  cannot  imagine. 
Others  have  shirts  when  the  simplest 
gallery  boy  knows  that,  when  the 
waistcoat  is  lifted  up  (being  made 
loose  for  that  purpose),  a  dicky  should 
be  all  that  can  be  seen,  or,  possibly, 
in  really  funny  men,  a  pair  of  very 
ancient  corsets.  Thus  attired  you  will 
succeed  in  whatever  you  sing :  there 
will  be  enough  members  of  every 
audience  to  persuade  the  rest  that  you 
are  funny.  The  boots  should  be  too 
large,  the  hat  too  small.  Paint  your 
nose  red,  your  mouth  large,  and  give 
your  eyebrows  an  arch.  Never  omit 


gags 


bear  in  mind  that  all  music-hall 


audiences  are  conservative ;  and  it  has 
become  safe  and  popular  to  use  what- 


if  you  can  make  these  two  laugh  you  ever  language  you  like  about  both  the 


to  carry  a  stick,  as  every  time  you  hit 
yourself  it  will  convince  your  audience 
that  your  last  remark  was  a  joke,  and 
they  will  laugh,  and  the  more  they 
laugh  the  better  for  you.  That  indeed 
is  why  your  clothes  have  to  be 
carefully  thought  out :  it  is  so  tha 
immediately  you  are  seen  the  audience 
will  know  you  are  funny  and  will 
practically  bound  to  laugh.  It  is 
kind  of  hypnotism. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIA1M  YAK!.— Fi:r.m  MIY  8,  1911. 


ALL   IN   DUE    COURSE. 


CATESBY  (Mu.  CHURCHILL).  "MY   LIEO-E,  THE  DUKES,    ETCETERA,    HAVE   BEEN"  TAKEN".1' 

KICHAKP  THE  THIRD  (MR.  AMJUITH).    "OFF    WITH    THEIR  HEADS!     $0   MUCH   FOR  DUKES,    ETCETERA." 

OATMBY,    "MY   LIEGE,    E'EN   NOW  THEY   PRATE  OF  SELF-REFORM. 

RICUAKD  THE  THIRD.  "OFF   WITH   THEIR  HEADS!    WE   WILL   REFORM   'EM   LATER." 

"Richard  the  Third  '  (Colley  Cibbtr— "  Punch  "  rcrsion],  Act  IV.,  Sefiie  4. 


FEBRUARY  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


103 


ESSENCE     OF      PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIAIIV  OF  TOIIY,  M.P. 


[ 


TOBY  SEARCHES   FOR  THE  MISSING   "CAPTAIN  HOOK"  (OF  KING'S  LYNN). 


(Sir  Toby,  M.P.). 
THK  c  ROCOBHOIL'S  COT  'UM  !  ! 


AR-RE  YE  THER-RE,  MY  NHOBLE  CAPTHUN  ? !  —  IT  '.s  YER  LITTLE  SMEE,  CAKTHUN  !  —  HE  'H  THER-RE  ! ! ! 
THERE  's  HIMNINTS  OF  'UM  IN  THE  CRAYTHUR'N  MOUTH,  HO  THERE  is ! ! " 

Tuesday,  Jan.  31. — New  Parliament  among  the  Whips  under  the  Master- 
meets  for  first  Session.     Quite  exciting  ship  of  ELIBANK. 

scene  in   Lobby.     Everybody  shaking       Off  with  his  hat.    So  much  for  North 

Carnarvon. 

Appointment  not  one  of  high  degree, 
such  as  a  Secretaryship  of  State  with 


hands  with  WILLIAM  JONES,  who,  hat- 
less  and  smiling,  bustles  about.  That 
he  should  smile  not  an  uncommon 
thing.  That  everyone  should,  after  brief 


parting,  want  to  shake  hands  with  him 
equally  habitual.  But  where 's  his  hat  ? 
Can  it  be  that,  owing  to  LLOYD  GEORGE'S 
financial  extortions,  he  has  been  obliged 
to  "put  it  down,"  as  millionaires  and 
landlords  have  under  same  malign  in- 
fluence "put  down"  carriages,  horses 
and  the  odd  boy  in  the  garden  ? 

This  question  murmured  by  stranger 
looking  on.  Old  Parliamentary  Hands 
recognise  the  sign.  According  to  quaint 
custom,  whose  origin  is  lost  in  the  murk 
of  dead  centuries,  a  Whip  never  shows 
himself  in  the  Lobby  with  his  hat  on. 
One  remembers  how,  when  TWEED- 
MOUTH  occasionally  visited  scene  of  the 
labours  of  EDWARD  MAKJORIBANKS, 
Liberal  Whip  in  Mr.  G.'s  last  Adminis- 
tration, he  was  for  a  moment  hardly 
recognisable  under  his  hat.  WILLIAM 
JON  us  comes  to  new  Parliament  a 
Junior  Lord  of  the  Treasury,  enrolled 


seat  in  the  Cabinet.     But  it  distinctly 
strengthens  position  of  Government  by 


increasing     its 
Only  drawback 


corporate    popularity, 
to  satisfaction  shared 


equally  in  both  political  camps  is  that 
the  Member  for  North  Carnarvon  hence- 
forward must  needs  give  up  to  the 
Whips'  Room  what  was  meant  for 
mankind  in  the  House.  Simple,  un- 
affected, undervaluing  himself,  he  is 
one  of  the  most  eloquent  speakers 
known  at  Westminster  during  last 
fifteen  years.  The  unwritten  law  which 
forbids  a  Whip  to  wear  his  hat  in  the 
Lobby  also  precludes  him  from  taking 
the  House  be- 
a  well-merited 
and  universally  acclaimed  promotion. 

Business  done. — Mr.  LOWTHER  elected 
Speaker  for  fourth  time. 

Thursday. — Looking  round  on  busy 
scene,  watching  Members  struggling 
for  opportunity  to  sign  the  roll  of 


part  in  debate.     Thus 
comes   the  poorer   by 


new  Parliament,  one  thinks  with  pro- 
found sorrow  of  one  whoso  presence  will 
charm  the  House  no  more.  Re-elected 
without  opposition  for  one  of  the  many 
Universities  on  whose  rolls  of  honour  his 
stood  high,  HENRY  BUTCHER 


name 

looked  forward  with  keen  interest  to 
the  coming  Session.  Sickening  with  a 
vague  disease,  he,  shortly  after  the 
General  Election,  took  to  his  bed  and 
died,  whilst  others  were  preparing  for 
the  fray  at  Westminster. 

His  name  did  not  loom  large  in  the 
eye  of  the  public.  It  appeared  but 
rarely  in  the  Parliamentary  reports. 
But  in  the  House,  as  in  the  Universi- 
ties, his  unobtrusive  personality  was 
equally  admired  and  esteemed.  Con- 
servative representative  of  an  exclusive 
community,  he  was  singularly  broad- 
minded  in  his  views,  ever  courteous  in 
manner. 

A  scholar  of  rare  distinction,  a 
speaker  of  polished  lucidity,  intimately 
acquainted  with  the  drift  of  public 
affairs,  he  was  of  the  limited  group  of 
men  who  are  the  salt  of  the  melange 
of  humanity  that  goes  to  make  up  the 
House  of  Commons. 


104 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHABIVAEI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


./i 


Huntsman  (cheering  his  hounds).  "  FOKRARD  !  FOHRARD  !  FOURAKD  !  " 

Stmd  Gentleman  (unaccustomed  to  the  language  of  the  chase).  " '  FORUARD  '  ?  you  FOOL  !    CAN'T  YOU  SEE  I  'M  TRYING  TO  GET  FORBABD 

KA8T   AS    1    CAN  I 


LINES    TO    A    "LONDON    PARTICULAK. 
MAYBE  you  've  not  the  luscious  flavour 

Of  fogs  of  fifty  years  ago, 
When  all  the  world  was  stouter,  braver, 

But,  ah,  if  that  be  so, 
Would  I  could  taste  the  sort  of  stuff 
Our  grandsires  used  to  eat !   Enough  ; 
It 's  not  your  taste  I  'm  out  to  puff, 

But  something  more — Hello ! 

(The  worst  of  this  confounded  nimbus 
Wherein  I  wander  like  a  ghost 

Is,  when  I  try  to  dodge  a  dim  bus, 
I  dash  against  a  post). 

What  was  I  saying  ?    Fog ;  oh  yes ! 

Where  others  curse  I  came  to  bless ; 

I  rather  like  your  rich  caress, 
I  call  you  London's  boast. 

For  beautiful,  no  doubt,  are  cities 

Whose  fronts  are  ever  kissed  with  gold ; 

And  Paris  sneers  and  Naples  pities 
And  Tunis  calls  us  cold ; 

And  Home  has  her  imperial  prido, 

And  lots  pf  other  towns  beside, 

With  or  without  a  local  guide, 
Are  gorgeous  to  behold. 

But  never  do  they  wear  the  armour 
Of  modesty  and  coy  reserve 


That  makes  our  London  such  a  charmer, 

When  every  square  and  curve 
Is  wrapped  in  folds  of  thick  pea-soup 
(Ye  gods !  that  was  a  tasty  stoup) ; 
The  only  drawback  is  that  (Whoop !) 

One  needs  no  end  of  nerve. 

You  weave  about  her  form,  O  vapour, 
The  mystic  spell  that  holds  the  mind 

(Under  a  street-lamp's  glimmering  taper) 
Of  buildings  half  denned : 

She  looks  her  best,  I  fancy,  thus, 

And  that  is  why  I  make  no  fuss 

Save  only  when  a  motor-bus 
Barges  me  from  behind.  EVOE. 


A  fierce  controversy  which  was  raging  in  The  Stafford- 
shire Sentinel  has  been  closed  by  the  Editor  in  these 
inspired  words : — 

"  We  cannot  insert  any  more  letters  on  this  subject.  The  question 
put  by  a  correspondent  was  :— '  A  cat  and  a  half  kills  a  rat  and  a  half 
m  a  minute  and  a  half:  how  long  will  it  take  60  cats  to  kill  60  rats?' 
A  cat  and  a  half  cannot  '  kill  a  rat  and  a  half, 'and  there  may  lie 
some  catch  in  that ;  but,  accepting  the  question  as  a  mathematical 
problem,  the  answer  is  obviously  one  minute.  For  a  cat  and  a  half 
to  kill  a  rat  and  a  half  in  a  minute  and  a  half  is  at  the  rate  of  one  rat 
per  cat  jwr  minute,  and,  at  that  rate,  60  cats  would  kill  60  rats  in 
one  minute. 

Come,  come!     Is   Staffordshire  to  lag  behind    the   other 
counties  in  intellect  ?     Have  at  it  again,  Stafford  ! 


8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


106 


THE  CRIMINAL. 
THK    accused    with   great   precision 
arranged  himself  into  a  semi-circle  on 
tho   hearthrug,  indolently  wagged  his 
tail,  and  foil  into  a  peaceful  sleep. 

Despite  this  evidence  of  a  clear  con- 
science, tlm  pleading  face  of  the  sup- 
pliant showed  signs  of  agitation. 

"lie.  didn't  do  it.  1 'in  certain  he 
didn't,"  sin;  protested. 

"That,"  I  informed  her,  "  is  the  atti- 
tude of  the  Defence  all  the  world  over, 
and  carries  no  conviction." 

She  made  an  effort  to  smile,  in  case 
my  remark  was  funny,  and  edged  her- 
self between  the  object  of  my  wrath 
and  me. 

"  Besides,"  she  said,  with  that  depth 
of  scorn  in  her  voice  to  which  youth 
alone  can  reach, "  it  was  only  a  slipper." 
The  suppliant  threw  herself  on  the 
ground  by  the  accused,  and  roused  him 
from  sleep  by  kissing  tho  tip  of  his  ear. 
"  lie  wouldn't  do  a  naughty  thing 
like  that,  would  he?  "  she  asked. 

1 1 1-  looked  up  at  me  with  deliberate 
innocence  and  slowly  licked  his  lips. 

"  Ho  convicts  himself,"  I  said,  "out 
of  his  own  mouth." 

The  Defence  was  equal  to  tho  occa- 
sion. 

"  If  he  did  then,"  she  informed  me 
in  a  phrase  choking  with  verbs,  "  I 
don't  believe  he  could  have  known  he 
mustn't.  It 's  no  good  smacking  him 
if  he  doesn't  know  he 's  been  naughty, 
is  it?" 

1  raised  a  threatening  hand  at  him. 
With  limp  tail  he  skirted  the  arm- 
chair and  took  refuge  under  the  sofa. 

"  Is  that,"  I  inquired,  "  the  action  ol 
a  dog  conscious  of  moral  rectitude?  " 
She  clung  desperately  to  my  hand. 
"  But  there 's  no  need  to  punish  him 
now  that  lie  owns  ho  's  dono  wrong,  is 
there?  "  she  said. 

Directing  my  voice  towards  that  end 
of  tho  sofa  beneath  which  I  imagined 
the  dog  to  bo  now  cowering,  I  made  an 
inquiry  regarding  the  whereabouts  ol 
a  certain  whip. 

With  my  mangled  slipper  in  his 
mouth,  the  accused  brazenly  steppec 
out  from  the  sanctuary  of  the  sofa  and 
after  gazing  fondly  into  my  eyes,  sat 
demurely  at  my  feet  and  tried  to  stare 
my  lowest  boot  button  out  of  counte- 
nance. 

"  Is  this,"  I  asked,  "  the  shamot 
attitude  of  the  penitent  ?  " 

Now  that  punishment  seemed  in- 
evitable, there  was,  on  tho  part  of  the 
Defence,  an  accommodating  change  o 
front.  Aware  that  her  pleading  for 
the  accused  had  left  mo  unmoTed,  the 
Suppliant  assumed  an  expression  ol 
stern  and  inexorable  wrath. 

"Tho  wicked   dog,"  she  exclaimed 


First  Tragedian.    "An  !   DKAH  IIOY  !  THK  CHASCB  OK  MY  LIFE  CAME  LAST  NIOIIT.     IZAAC- 

STEIN     OFFERED     ME    THIRTY    8HIU.IXGS   A   WEEK    TO     1'LAY     HAMLET.        THE     CO.NTHACT 
DRAWX    UP— HE   LENT   ME   HIS  FOCSTAIN-I'BN  TO  SIGN  WITH,    WHEN — 

Hcntiul  Tragedian.   "You  WOKE  UP!" 

First  Tragedian.   "  DAMME  !     How  DID  YOU  KNOW  i  " 

Second  Tragedian,  "BY  THE  SALARY,  MY  nrrix.     I'VE  DREAMT  LIKE  THAT  MYKELF  ! 


"  let  me  smack  him.  I  'd  beat  him 
awfully  hard." 

"  Difficult  as  it  may  be,"  I  said, 
"  you  must  endeavour  to  restrain  your 
righteous  indignation.  His  behaviour 
convinces  me  that  punishment  would 
bo  wasted  on  him.  There  is  nothing 
for  us  to  do  but  to  assume  he  has  no 
moral  sense." 

She  gave  a  sigh  of  relief  as  she 
climbed  on  to  my  knee. 


"Yes,  let's,"  she  begged, 
needn't  bother,  need  we?  " 


1  then  we 


Removals  by  Air. 

"  Last  summer  Mrs.  Lhmville  steered  her 
own  ballroom  across  the  Channel  to  Prance, 
with  Lady  Milbanke  as  a  iwssenger."—  The 


. 

The  ball-room  does  not  seem  to  have 
been  overcrowded,  so  perhaps  it  wasn't 
very  difficult  to  steer  in. 


106 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


ELECTION    SEQUELS. 

LAW  COURTS  DELUGED  WITH  LIBEL 
ACTIONS. 

INTERESTING  echoes  of  the  Genera! 
Election  (which,  it  may  be  remembered 
was  held  towards  the  end  of  last  year 
will  shortly  be  heard  in  the  Law 
Courts,  and  we  are  fortunate  in  being 
able  to  give  our  readers  advance  details 
of  some  of  the  more  important  libe 
actions  that  are  down  for  hearing. 

BULLION  v.  BLOOD. 

One  of  the  earliest  on  the  list  is 
connected  with  the  exciting  contest  in 
West  Toffshire,  where  Sir  John  Bullion, 
Bt.,  the  well-known  City  magnate  and 
former  Liberal  Member  for  the  division, 
succumbed  by  only  three  votes  to  the 
lion.  Arthur  Blood,  younger  son  of 
Lord  Backwood.  It  is  alleged  that  on 
the  eve  of  the  poll  the  Unionist  Candi- 
date distributed  a  circular  to  the 
electors  making  a  personal  attack  on 
his  opponent,  and  containing  in  par- 
ticular the  following  paragraph  : — 

"  Quite  apart  from  questions  of  Party 
politics,  it  is  in  the  highest  degree 
essential  that,  for  the  sake  of  its  good 
name,  West  Toffshire  should  be  repre- 
sented in  Parliament  by  a  well-dressed 
man.  Can  it  be  said  that  Sir  John 
Bullion  fulfils  this  condition  ?  One  or 
two  facts  will  suffice  by  toayof  answer. 
On  December  5  the  Eadical  Candidate 
was  seen  to  address  a  meeting  with 
one  trouser-leg  turned  up  and  the  other 
down.  On  the  following  day  he  toured 
the  constituency  in  a  frock-coat  and  a 
bowler-hat.  .  .  And,  worst  of  all, 
he  buys  his  clothes  in  the  City ! 
Electors,  think  of  your  reputation,  and 

VOTE  FOR  BLOOD  AND  STYLE  !  " 
In  his  affidavit  Sir  John  characterises 
the  allegation  touching  his  trouser-legs 
as  a  malicious  invention,  and  affirms 
that  the  second  charge  made  against 
him  contains  a  serious  suppressio  veri, 
inasmuch  as  no  mention  is  made  of  the 
fact  that  on  the  day  in  question  his 
frock-coat  was  covered  by  a  stylish 
overcoat  with  velvet  collar.  Sir  John 
further  states  that  the  circular,  which 
was  issued  too  late  to  permit  of  a  con- 
tradiction, lost  him  the  seat,  brought 
him  into  social  disrepute,  and  caused 
him  great  distress  of  mind.  With 
regard  to  the  general  appearance  of 
plaintiff's  clothes  (whose  civic  origin 
is  not  denied),  several  sartorial  experts 
are  being  called  to  give  evidence  on 
either  side. 

"THE  PEOPLE'S  FOOD." 
Some  significant  revelations  are  pro- 
mised in  the  action  which  Mr.  Will 
Barrow,  who  unsuccessfully  contested 
Grimeeby  as  an  Independent  Working 
Man,  is  bringing  against  Mr.  Alf  Pint, 


the  Labour  Party's  nominee.  Mr. 
Barrow  complains  that  during  the  cam- 
paign his  opponent  repeatedly  made  a 
most  dastardly  allegation  against  him, 
to  the  effect  that  he  (Mr.  Barrow)  was 
"  the  sort  of  man  who  never  stood  a 
pal  a  glass."  Unfortunately,  owing  to 
the  stringent  provisions  of  the  Corrupt 
Practices  Act  (which  many  leading 
politicians  in  the  district  would  like  to 
see  amended),  plaintiff  was  unable 
during  the  course  of  the  election  to 
disprove  the  charge  in  a  practical 
manner,  and  was  even  debarred  from 
promising  to  do  so  on  the  conclusion 
of  the  contest.  Such  a  statement  was 
bound  to  exercise  a  tremendous  in- 
fluence over  the  electors  of  Grimesby, 
where  beer  is  the  principal  article  of 
food,  and  in  consequence,  Mr.  Barrow 
asserts,  he  only  polled  seventy-eight 
votes  against  over  ten  thousand  given 
for  the  Labour  Candidate.  The  case 
will  be  followed  with  great  interest 
by  the  local  publicans. 

WHAT  DID  HE  MEAN? 

The  contest  in  Puddenhead  will  long 
be  remembered  by  the  inhabitants  of 
the  division  as  one  of  the  most  em- 
bittered in  its  history,  and  little  sur- 
prise will  be  caused  by  the  announce- 
ment that  Mr.  Ebenezer  Bloggs,  who 
championed  the  cause  of  Tariff  Reform, 
is  instituting  an  action  for  libel  against 
the  newly -elected  Member.  Mr.  Bloggs 
takes  exception  most  of  all  to  a  poster 
with  which  the  entire  town  was 
placarded,  and  which  bore  the  follow- 
ing words  in  huge  letters : — 

"  Don't  Vote  for  Bloggs.  For  years 
he  has  been  Continually  Growing 
Madder!  Plump  for  SAWNER  and 
SANITY." 

Plaintiff  contends  that  this  state- 
ment imputes  mental  infirmity  to  him, 
and  was  evidently  so  interpreted  by  a 
majority  of  the  electorate,  since  there 
could  not  conceivably  be  any  other 
reason  for  his  defeat.  Defendant,  how- 
ever, repudiates  all  knowledge  of  the 
poster  in  question,  and  alternatively 
denies  that  the  words  complained  of 
bear  the  construction  put  upon  them, 
and  further  pleads  that  they  are  liter- 
ally true,  plaintiff  being  the  head  of 
the  dyeing  firm  of  Bloggs  &  Son,  which 
is  engaged  in  the  cultivation  of  madder. 
In  reply  Mr.  Bloggs  has  filed  an  affi- 
davit stating  that  for  some  years,  owing 
to  the  increased  rigour  of  foreign  com- 
petition caused  by  our  so-called  Free 
Trade  system,  he  has  had  to  give  up 
growing  any  madder. 

AN   ECHO   OF   BlLLINGSDITCH. 

Damages  to  the  amount  of  £10,000 
ire  being  claimed  by  the  Conservative 
Candidate  for  Billingsditch  against  The 
Billingsditch  Observer.  It  is  com- 


plained that  an  article  appeared  in  the 
local  organ  stating,  among  other  things, 
that  the  Candidate  in  question  had 
opposed  in  Parliament  the  provision 
of  free  life-annuities  for  every  man, 
woman,  and  child  in  the  United  King- 
dom. This,  plaintiff  says,  is  a  gross 
distortion  of  the  truth,  the  real  facts 
of  the  case  being  that,  in  a  speech 
delivered  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
ho  actually  spoke  in  favour  of  the  pro- 
posal, his  sole  protest  being  directed 
against  the  reprehensible  procedure  by 
which  it  was  "  tacked  "  on  to  a  Budget 
Bill.  The  allegation,  he  maintains, 
constitutes  a  most  damaging  reflection 
upon  his  character,  holding  him  up  to 
popular  execration  as  a  monster  of  in- 
humanity, callous  to  the  sufferings  of 
the  poor,  and  deaf  to  their  logitimate 
demands  upon  the  State.  It  was  also 
the  cause  of  intense  mental  and  physical 
discomfort  to  him  during  the  Billings- 
ditch Election. 

MONTMOHENCY    OR    . ? 

Yet  another  case  —  that  of  Mont- 
morency  v.  Grab — is  likely  to  prove 
especially  rich  in  piquant  details.  The 
plaintiff  is  Mr.  A.  Fitzalan  Montmor- 
ency, who  conducted  so  strenuous  an 
anti-alien  campaign  in  the  Crackling 
Division  of  Porkshire,  and  who  grounds 
his  present  action  on  the  fact  that  his 
Socialist  opponent  placarded  the  con- 
stituency with  the  legend  : — 

"  Where  was  Montmorency  when 
the  Light  went  out  ?  " 

Mr.  Montmorency  denies  that  his 
name  is  really  identical  with  that  of 
the  great  Hebrew  law-giver,  as  he  de- 
clares this  query  to  suggest,  and  says 
that  he  is  taking  this  step  to  vindicate 
his  character  in  public  as  a  true 
Briton,  patriot  and  Christian  gentle- 
man. Among  Mr.  Grab's  witnesses, 
we  understand,  are  a  number  of  gentle- 
men resident  in  Whitechapel,  including 
Mr.  Montmorency's  father. 


'  The  Mayor  was  attired  as  a  gentleman  of 
the  time  of  Charles  I. ,  and  the  Mayoress  was 
gowned  to  represent  Night." — Manchester 
Evening  News. 

This  can  be  done  cheaply  in  a  night- 
gown. 


''  There  were  1,190  inmates  in  the  Tiuiimcre 
Workhouse,  as  against  1,191  for  the  corre- 
sponding period  last  year,  the  decrease  being 
due  to  the  increased  amount  of  work  in  the 
town." — Liverpool  Da'dy  Post. 

What,  we  wonder,  was  he  doing  ? 

"A  new  miniature  dance-opera,  based  on  the 
story  of  'Salome,'  is  to  be  produced  at  the 
Hippodrome.  The  principal  character  will  be 
)layed  by  Sahary-Djeli,  who  will  give  as  a 
special  feature  the  Dance  of  the  Seven  Dials  " 
— The  People. 

We  have  often  seen  children  doing  this 
round  a  barrel-or^an. 


1'V.HHUARY  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


107 


SOME    OUTFITTING    NOVELTIES    FOR    THE    COMING    SEASON. 


THE  "ISVICTA"  Tr.ousER-pBMS. 


THE  llmcK-WALL  SUITING  FOU  BUIUII.AIIM. 


TlIK    1. 1  III, K    Dl'XTMAN. 

A  NOVKLTV  i.x  BOYS' 

SUITI XI  IS. 


THE  LANGUAGE  STEUILISEU. 


THE  THREE-SLEEVED  COAT     THE  "QUICK-CHANGE"  UMIWKU.A. 
FOB  STEAPHAXGEKS.  Pi-csi  the  knob,  and  your  perfectly 

good  umbrella  loses  ita  attraction 
for  the  borrower. 


THE  "Tien"  BOOT  FOR  VIEWING  PBOCBMIONB 


RiDixt;  BREECHES  FOR  NOVICES. 


108 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  8,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Leaiyied  Clerks.) 

THE  present  edition  of  Tillers  of  the  Soil  should  be 
recalled  and  a  second  published  with  print  enlarged,  cover 
brightened,  and  preface  omitted.  The  first  sight  of  so  much 
small  print  depresses  an  eye  already  a  little  discouraged 
by  the  severity  of  tho  cover,  and  Mr.  J.  E.  PATTERSON'S 
apology  for  his  methods  does  no  more  than  put  tho  reader 
on  his  look-out  for  faults,  which  he  would  not  have  otherwise 
noticed  and  which  probably  do  not  exist.  For  the  book  itself 
is  bound  to  be  a  pleasure  to  all  who  love  the  land  or  can  j 
appreciate  in  others  a  passion  they  do  not  feel.  For  my- 
self, a  townsman,  I  was  made  intimate  with  agricultural 
conditions  and  even  canvassed  in  tho  matter  of  certain 
farmers'  grievances  and  their  proposed  remedy,  without 
having  my  entertainment  suspended  for  a  moment.  Abe 
Shutlleworth , a  cheerful 
farmer  with  large  ideals, 
an  unruly  tongue  and 
an  irresistible  opti- 
mism, is  certainly  a 
person  to  meet,  and  I 
know  of  few  better  por- 
traits in  fiction  of  an 
ardent  reformer  with  a 
past — a  past  which  re- 
appears in  the  midst  of 
the  reforms  and  be- 
comes only  too  present. 
With  the  exception  of 
Ola,  his  indefinite 
daughter,  and  Lucian, 
her  American  and  poeti- 
cally-inclined lover,  the 
minor  characters  are 
most  natural  and  true 
to  their  rural  environ- 
ment. The  Eector  is 
perhaps  a  little  too 
narrow,  but  the  rectory 
party  are  delightfully 
fussy  and  typical.  I 
ask  Mr.  HEINEMANN,  if 
the  book  runs  to  another 
edition,  to  send  me  a 
copy,  partly  that  I  may 
review  it  a  second  time  (for  I  have  further  words  of  recom- 
mendation up  my  sleeve),  but  more  particularly  that  I  may 
place  it  on  my  shelf  of  Books  Worth  Keeping  and  Beading 
Again. 

There  are  onions  that  make  you  weep,  and  onions,  as 
the  Athenian  hoplites  knew,  that  make  you  warlike,  or 
perhaps  that  make  your  enemies  take  to  their  heels.  There 
is  also,  in  a  class  by  himself,  Mr.  OLIVER  ONIONS,  who 
wants  to  make  your  flesh  creep.  The  text  of  his  book, 

deliverance  "  From  Ghaisties,  Ghoulies,  and  long-leggity 
Beasties  and  Things  that  go  Bump  in  the  night."  Its 
title  means — in  what  language  I  know  not — "  Contrary  to 
the  course  of  the  Sun,"  that  is  to  say,  contrary,  as  I  hope, 
to  Nature.  For  I  should  not  at  all  like  to  think  that  tho 
creepy  happenings  described  in  these  extremely  ghoulish 
stories  could  possibly  come  my  way.  I  don't  want  to  be  , 
driven  to  starve  myself  by  a  beckoning  fair  one  who  haunts 
my  rooms,  paralyses  my  work,  slays  my  love,  and  causes 
my  arrest  as  a  suspected  murderer.  Nor  do  I  relish  the 


WHY    NOT    SLEEP 

You  COMBINE  HYGIEXE  WITH  GOLF 


idea  of  listening  for  the  footsteps  of  a  man  who  is  always 
coming  up  behind  me  and  passing  the  molecules  of  his 
body  through  the  molecules  of  mine,  until  at  last  I  go  mad 
and  kill  myself  in  my  efforts  to  get  rid  of  him.  Nor,  if  I 
were  a  sculptor,  should  I  care  to  achieve  fame  in  the  hour 
of  my  death  by  the  crazy  design  of  exerting  my  will-power 
to  forco  my  own  flesh  and  blood  and  bone  into  the  marble 
of  my  chef  d'icuvrc.  Weirdly  imaginative,  and  with  an 
uncanny  air  of  unreality,  often  effectively  heightened  by 
the  skilful  way  in  which  Philistinism  and  art  and  the 
material  and  spirit  worlds  are  placed  side  by  side,  these 
stories  by  Mr.  ONIONS  are  told  so  cleverly  that  some  readers 
might  find  that  almost  they  persuade  them  to  be  believers 
in  Ghaisties  and  Ghoulies  and  long-leggity  Beasties  and 
Things  that  go  Bump  in  the  day  as  well  as  in  the  night. 

Sleuth-hound  fiction  has  already  scented  out  a  style  of 
its  own ;  the  characters  talk  in  a  kind  of  correct  journalese 

which  takes  no  account 
of  idiosyncrasies,  when 
they  narrate  their  past 
histories  or  the  terrible 
events  which  have  re- 
cently happened  to 
them.  For  this  reason 
Gilcad  Balm  (FISHER 
UNWIN),  which  is  Mr. 
BERNARD  CAPES'S  in- 
cursion into  this  species 
of  romance,  suffers  from 
a  cortain  lack  of  homo- 
;  geneousness,  since  the 
author  every  now  and 
then  shows  glimpses  of 
his  real  self  and  allows 
flashes  of  humour  or 
pages  of  really  literary 
description  to  intrude 
into  the  story.  Gilead 
It'll  in  (I  am  not  quite 
sure  whether  this  name 
is  so  funny  as  Mr.  CAPES 
seems  to  imagine,  and 
the  same  applies  to  a 
supposed  villain  whom 
he  has  christened 
Win&oin  Wyllie)  was  a 
young  man  who,  on 


ON    THE    LINKS? 

AND  GET  OFF  BEFORE  THE   CROWD. 


suddenly  becoming  a  millionaire,  decided  to  spend  his 
life  in  sifting  the  advertisements  for  financial  succour 
which  appear  in  The  Daily  Post,  and  relieving  all  genuine 
cases  of  distress.  In  pursuit  of  this  generous  avocation 
the  author  has  allowed  his  hero  to  range  through  a  con- 
siderable variety  of  cases,  from  the  purely  comic  to  the 
mysterious  and  spiritualistic,  but  always  with  the  detection 
of  crimo  as  a  dominant  motive.  There  is  no  one  like 
Mr.  BERNARD  CAPES  for  describing  tho  horrors  of  a  dark 

instance,  "  But  if  there  is  no  morality  in  art,  you  can 
hardly  expect  it  of  its  dealers ;  "  and  therefore,  although 
ho  has  bean  unable  to  maintain  the  dead  level  of  melo- 
drama which  is  tho  tradition  of  this  kind  of  novel,  I  can 
confidently  recommend  Gilead  Balm  to  those  in  search  of 
yet  another  literary  hair-tonic. 

"The  Territorial  band  played  the  hymns  as  well  as  the  church  organ." 
XT  The  ticovt. 

JNo  comparisons,  please. 


FKHKI'AHY  1.",,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


109 


CHARIVARIA. 

IK  it  is  not  too  late  wo  would  stil 

like     ID    ask     Mr.    (!iNM-:r.n,    M.I'.,    I. 

lor  seriously  whether  his  r- 
to  shako   liiinds  \\iili  tho  Sl'KAHK.u  \\.i- 
i nit   a  more   severe  punishment   thai 
Mr.  I.DWTIIICI:  dese'-ved. 

v 

The  volume  of  oruuina!  statistics] un- 
issued by  the  Homo  Office  contains  an 
introduction    by   Mr.    H.   B.    SIMIV-ON 
deploring  the  amount  of  sentiment  aliti 
that  enters  nowadays  into  the  adminis- 
tration of  tho  criminal  law.   A  prefatory 
note  explains  that  Mr.  SIMPSON'S  view 
must  not  bo  taken  to  bo  official.     Thi 
I 'art  moor  shepherd  is  still  at  large. 

*  * 

Sir  JOHN  FLM.KII,  M.P.,  has  beei 
appointed  Governor  of  Victoria,  an< 
\io.oria  is  asking  what  it  has  done  t( 
d  -serve  the  Whip. 

V 

A  Soutliend  boy  scout  pursued  tw< 
thieves,  who  had  stolen  a  purse  from  a 
lady,  for  over  a  mile.  When  he  came 
up  witii  them  he  secured  the  purse  bj 
means  of  a  clever  ruse :  he  pretendei 
that  there  were  other  people  in  pursuit 
close  behind  him.  The  mortified  mis- 
creants are  said  to  be  considering  nov 
whether  they  cannot  institute  proceed- 
ings against  the  boy  for  obtainiiif 
money  by  false  pretences. 

The  rectnt  great  fall  of  cliff'  at  Dovei 
has,  we  hear,  caused  the  keenest  satis- 
faction to  Little  Englanders. 

*  * 

"  Motor  omnibuses,"  we  read,  "  wen' 
over  Blackfriars  Bridge  for  the  first 
time  yesterday."  If  there  should  b« 
much  more  of  this  careless  driving  w< 

may  have  to  heighten  the  parapets. 

*  * 

A  Judge  in  the  King's  Bench  Division, 
the  other  day,  requested  a  stranger 
who  was  troubled  with  a  severe  cough, 
to  leave  the  Court.  His  Lordship 
remarked  that  it  was  a  Court  of  Law, 
and  not  a  Hospital.  As  a  matter  of 
fact,  we  understand,  the  ignorant  fellow 
had  imagined  that  it  was  a  Variety 
Theatre. 

It  seems  strange  that  while  it  is 
considered  necessary  to  have  a  Keeper 
of  the  Tate  Gallery,  yet  the  Post- 
Impressionists  are  allowed  out  without 

a  keeper. 

In  the  spring,  we  are  told,  a  new 
type  of  hat  for  ladies  will  come  into 
fashion.  Tho  brim  of  this  will  be 
turned  up,  and  at  last  it  will  be  possible 
to  see  the  wearers'  faces.  Some  awful 
revelations  are  expected. 


Theatre  Altdtthml,  (lo  riilhralltd  pluityuer  in  thrves  of  tragedy). 
THAT   HAD   AN    ICE   AND   DIDN'T   PAY    K)R   IT  t" 


"ARK  TOD  TH.-:  OKITTI.EMAN 


"  Colour-blind  persons,"  declared 
Professor  EDBIDGE-GBEEN  in  a  lecture 
at  the  Royal  College  of  Surgeons,  "  are 
generally  above  the  average  in  intelli- 
gence." Colour-blind  persons  have 
known  this  for  years. 


V 


A  dog  named  Caesar,  residing  at 
Winchester,  has  been  presented  with  a 
collar  and  enrolled  in  the  "  Brother- 
hood of  Hero  Dogs"  for  saving  the 
local  Guildhall  buildings  from  fire  in 
December  last  by  giving  the  alarm. 
We  understand  that  there  was  some 
difficulty  in  explaining  to  the  little 
fellow  what  the  honour  was  for.  Hero- 
like  he  had  thought  nothing  of  the 
incident — had,  in  fact,  quite  forgotten  it. 

There  is  more  in  the  so-called  super- 
stition that  13  is  an  unlucky  number 
than  some  persons  think.  A  young 
man  who  has  been  convicted  13  times 
for  offences  in  respect  of  his  motor 


bicycle  has  now  been  fined  a  14th  time 

at  Godalming. 

*  * 

... 

"  A  woman,"  we  are  informed,  "  who 
told  a  police  officer  that  ahe  was  SARAH 
BERNHABDT,  was  remanded  so  that  she 
could  be  kept  undar  observation." 
That  is  probably  the  best  way  to  settle 
the  question  of  her  claims. 

*  * 

The  fact  that  a  young  lady  who 
recently  received  a  number  of  blows  on 
the  skull  from  a  violent  burglar  is  said 
to  owe  her  life  to  the  possession  of  a  fine 
head  of  hair  will,  it  is  thought,  lead  to 
many  ladies  sleeping  with  their  hair  on. 

"The  trade  in  Oninese  pigs  is  now 
firmly  established  in  this  country,"  wo 
read.  When  one  remembers  that  it 
was  CHARLES  LAMH  who,  in  a  famous 
essay,  first  drew  attention  to  their 
excellence,  one  realises  how  long  it 
takes  for  a  new  idea  to  catch  on  with  us. 


no 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15.  1911. 


OF    A    WELL-KNOWN    PARROT, 
NOW    MORIBUND. 

[If  IiiiiK-riiil  P ic-ffi-ei.ee  l,ns  Urn  killed  by  the  propose.!  Reciprocity 

owmwl   between  C.r:rula  and  the   United  States,  as  the   Radica.s 

i-riTliillv   a-s.-i-t,  tli  n    tln-v  c:iiin..t   have   much    further   use   for   UM 

election  «y  of  I>,MI-.T  Food  which  has  done  them  so  jiroat  service  in 

tin-  past.] 

A  PRINCE  of  parrots,  such  as  seize 

Upon  the  spoken  word, 
Master  of  one  most  poignant  wheeze — 

The  deadliest  ever  heard, 
He  stood  apart  without  a  peer,  this  undefeated  bird  I 

For  years  he  worked  the  old  refrain — 

"  YOUR  FOOD  WILL  COST  YOU  MORE  " — 
Without  a  sign  to  show  the  strain 

Had  left  his  larynx  sore; 
Dntil  the  thing  became  a  most  abominable  bore. 

The  Liberals  loved  to  hear  that  cry 

Boom  like  an  eight-inch  gun ; 
The  moment  he  began  to  try, 

Election-wars  were  won ; 
But  now  1  (ear  he  's  on  the  moult ;  1  fear  his  day  is  done. 

He  had  but  this  one  phrase  m  stock 

Touching  your  loaf's  expense  ; 
It's  single  purpose  was  to  knock 

Imperial  Preference . 
But  now  the  point  of  that  remark  has  ceased  to  give  offence. 

For  lo!  the  Tory  fiend  that  h? 

Laid  himself  out  to  slay 
Has  died  of  Reciprocity  . 

Imp  Prel.,  in  fact,  is  clay  , 
And  cannot  be  expected  to  resume  the  hoary  fray 

That  was  the  one  he  used  to  keep 

His  beady  eye  upon  , 
And  now,  witb~Food  lor  ever  Cheap. 

His  occupation  s  gone  , 
There  seems  no  reason  why  the  bird  should  care  to  linger  on 

Then,  Liberals  all,  prepare  the  bier 

Whereon  to  lay  your  dead 
Who  might  have  stopped  his  foe's  career 

By  screeching  off  his  head. 
Only  the  latter  went  and  died  another  death  instead. 

And  Tories,  too,  when  o'er  your  friend 

You  raise  a  pious  howl. 
And  tears  for  his  untimely  end 

Bedew  the  haggard  jowl, 
Spare  one,  in  courtesy,  for  this  indomitable  fowl  I 


O.  S. 


IN    THE    GRIP. 


Scene  :  The  Library,  4  p.m.  A  bright  fire  is  blazing.  He 
is  sitting  limply  in  an  armchair  with  a  rug  wrappca 
round  his  legs.  She,  also  wrapped  in  a  rug,  is  extendec 
on  a  sofa  in  front  of  the  fire. 

She.  Charles! 

He.  For  heaven's  sake,  don't. 

She.  Don't  what  7 

He.  Don't  frighten  a  chap. 

She.  1  only  said  "  Charles." 

He.  I  know,  but  I  can't  stand  the  shock  of  having  my 

name  called  suddenly.     You  don't  seem  to  appreciate 

She.  Oh  yes,  1  do.     I  appreciate  everything. 
He.  Well,  what  do  you  want  ? 


She.  What's  the  time? 
He.  Something  struck  just  now. 
She.  I  know  ;  what  was  it  ? 
He.  I  didn't  notice. 
She.  Can't  you  see  the  clock  ? 
He.  No.     Can't  you? 

She.  I  could  if  I  lifted  my  head,  but  1  can't  lift  it. 
He.  And  I  can't  pull  my  watch  out.     Makss  me  shiver 
ven  to  think  of  it. 

[A  pause  \ 

She.  Doc  S  you  tnink  we  ve  got  intluenza  very  badly? 
Ha.  Yes — at  least  I  know  /  have.  I'mnotsosui-saboutyou. 
She.  I  'ai  sure  nothing  could  be  worse  than  mine. 
He.  You  can't  know  how  bad  mine  is. 
She.  If  you  don't  admit  that  mine  s  worse  than  yours, 
'11  never  speak  to  you  again. 
He.  Oh.  very  welll     Have  it  your  own  way. 
She.  That's  not  an  admission. 

He.  If  you  talk  to  me  like  that  I  shall  cry — 1  know  1  shall. 
She.  You  'd  have  been  crying  long  ago  if  you  'd  only  got 
my  head. 

He.  I  have,  and  much  worse  too. 
(A  pause.} 

Be.  Have  you  got  aches  and  pains  all  over  your  back? 
She.  Not  yet,  but  1  feel  them  coming.     You  haven't— 
wouf-ouf-ouf-ugh-ugh — you  haven't  got  a  horrid  hacking 
cough,  have  you? 

He.  It's  there,  but  it  won't  come  oat.     That's    always 
he  worst  kind. 

[A  pause.} 

Ske.  Do  you  feel  as  if  you'd  got  any  bones  lelt  in  your 
whole  body? 

He.  Yes,  I  've  got  nothing  but  bones,  and  they  re  all  in 
the  wrong  places,  and  every  bone  's  got  a  pain  in  it. 

She.  Except  your  backbone.     You  said  you  hadn't  any 
pain  there. 

He.  I  haven't  got  a  backbone. 
She.  I  wish  I  hadn't. 

[A  pause.] 

She.  Do  you  think  you  '11  ever  be  able  to  get  up  again  ? 
He.  Never. 

She.  What  would  you  do  if  Lady  Lampeter  called  and 
Parkins  showed  her  in? 

He.  I  should  scream.     Let 's  ring  and  tell  Parkins  not  to. 
She    I  can't  get  at  the  bell, 
He.  Nor  can  I. 

[A  pause.] 

He.   What  are  the  children  doing? 
She.  Children?     What  children? 
He.  Haven't  we  got  any  children? 

She.  Let  me  think.  There  were  some  children  about 
this  morning.  Were  those  ours  ? 

He.  Ye-es.     I  fancy  they  must  have  been. 
She.  Do  let 's  be  sure  about  it.     Bring  your  mind  to  bear 
on  it. 

He.  I  can't.     I  haven't  got  a  mind. 
She.  Poor  dear  I     Nor  have  I. 

[A  pause.] 

He.  I  'm  going  to  have  a  pino-menthol  lozenge. 

She.  Do.     And  I  '11  have  a  eucalyptus  lozenge. 

He.  I  shall  take  two. 

She.  You  mustn't  overdo  it,  Charles. 

He.  I  see  what  it  is.  You  want  to  rob  me  of  all  my 
little  luxuries,  but  I  '11  take  two  all  the  same.  [Take*  two 

She.  Charles,  if  you  talk  to  me  so  cruelly  I  shall  jus' 
wither  away. 

He.  I  've  withered  long  ago.  [Left  sucking  lozenges 


525 

O 


Q 
W 
PH 
P 
O 


O 

s 


H 

E-i 


FKI-.TU-ARY  15,  1911.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


113 


Photograph  r.    "A  LEETLE  BRIGHTER  !  BRIGHTER!  STII.L  BRIGHTER  I  AH!  TOO  BRIGHT  I  MOISTES  THE  LIPS  AND  START  AFRFSTT  f 


HOMO    EX    MACHINA. 

(To   A   TUBE-LlFTMAN.) 

CONDUCTOR  to  the  dim  Tartarean  levels 

And  satellite  of  that  infernal  "  link  " 
Whose  ceaseless  round  no  accident  dishevels, 

What  do  you  dream  on  as  we  softly  sink  ? 
Tell  me,  young  man,  the  nature  of  your  revels 

When  not  on  duty  :  do  you  dance  or  rink  'f 
Or  punt  a  leathern  ball  with  thews  of  oak  ? 
And  (this  is  most  important)  do  you  smoke  ? 

Immobile-featured  as  a  marble  statue, 
^  You  stare  me  in  the  eyes,  ingenuous  youth  ; 
\ou  make  no  answer  to  my  questions,  drat  you! 

No  sound  of  sorrow,  mirthfulness,  or  ruth  ; 
Either  because  you  think  I  'm  getting  at  you 
Or  (much  more  probably,  to  tell  the  truth) 
IVcause  I  have  not  said  these  tilings  aloud, 
But  merely  thought  them,  wedged  amongst  the  crowd. 

Let  me  get  on,  then.     Do  you  know  the  fevers 
Of  common  men  on  earth,  unskilled  to  slam 

The  irrevocable  gates  and  ply  the  levers  ? 
Do  you  take  marmalade  for  tea,  or  jam  ? 

And  wherefore  have  the  Fates,  those  sister  weavers, 
Doomed  you  to  work  a  lift  and  not  a  tram  ? 

(Ah,  who  may  read  the  riddles  of  the  Fates  ?) 

And  what 's  your  surname  ?     Robinson  ?  or  Bates  ? 


And  would  you  seem  to  browse  on  sudden  clover, 
And  tread  mysterious  heights  and  valleys  strange, 

With  CORTEZ  or  some  rare  old  English  rover, 
If  haply  for  recuperative  change 

The  Company  should  shift  you  on  from  Dover 
To  Down  Street  ?     Did  you  ever  chance  to  range 

Through  "  faery  lands  forlorn  "  of  light  and  myth, 

Shunted  to  Finsbury  Park  or  Hammersmith  ? 

And  does  some  damsel  great  you  with  embraces, 
Some  charming  girl  about  to  be  your  wife, 

And  bid  you  tell  her  of  adventurous  cases, 
The  haps  and  hazards  of  your  strange  stern  life  ? 

The  whims  of  passengers,  their  clothes  and  faces, 
Whether  they  touched  the  gates,  and  all  the  strife  ? 

And  does  she  call  you  Alf,  or  Herb,  or  Reub  ? 

(I  rather  hope  the  last — it  rhymes  with  tube.) 

These  things  I  cannot  answer,  and  it  'a  wearinp 

To  go  on  talking  bunkum  all  in  vain ; 
But  some  day  I  have  sworn  that,  greatly  daring, 

While  others  pass,  the  poet  shall  remain. 
Yes,  you  and  1,  lor  hours  together  faring 

Shall  hold  high  converse  and  beshrew  my  train! 
Downwards  and  upwards  we  will  fall  and  climb, 
And  you  shall  punch  my  ticket  every  time.          EVOE. 

The  Dartmoor  Shepherd  Again. 
Aux  gais  enfants  les  amusettes  sont  cheres, 
Et  jeunes  Ministres  font  maintes  folies  ber^ercs. 


114 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15, 1911. 


LITTLE   PLAYS   FOR    AMATEURS. 

V. — "THE  LOST  HKIHKSS." 
The  Scene  is  laid  outside  a  village  inn 
in  that  county  of  curious  dialects, 
Loamshire.       The    inn    is    easily 
indicated  by  a  round  table  bearing 
two  mugs  of  liquid,  while  a  fallen 
log  emphasises  the  rural  nature  of 
t)ie  scene.    Gafl'er  Jarge  and  G  affer 
Willyum  arc  seated   at   the  table, 
surrounded  by  a  fringe  of  whisker, 
Jarge    being    slightly    more    of  a 
gaffer  than  Willyum. 
Jarge  (who  missed  his  dinner  through 
nervousness  and  has  been  ordered  to  sus- 
tain himself  with    soup — as   he   puts 
down  the  steaming  mug).  Eh,  bor,  but 
this  be  rare  beer.     So  it  be. 

Willyum  (who  had  too  much  dinner 
and  is  now  draining  his  sanatogen).  You 
be  right,  Gaffer  Jarge.  Her  be  main  rare 
beer.  (He feels  up  his  sleeve,  but  thinking 
better  of  it  wipes  his  mouth  with  the 
back  of  his  hand.)  Main  rare  beer,  zo 
her  be.  (Gagging)  Zure  lie. 

Jarge.  Did  I  ever  tell  'ee,  bor,  about 
t'  new  squoire  o'  these  parts — him  wot 
cum  hum  yesterday  from  f urren  lands  ? 
Gaffer  Henry  wor  a-telling  me. 

Willyum  (privately  bored).  Thee  didst 
tell  'un,  lad,  sartain  sure  thee  didst. 
And  Gaffer  Henry,  he  didst  tell  'un 
too.  But  tell  'un  again.  It  du  me  good 
to  hear  'un,  zo  it  du.  Zure-lie. 

Jarge.  A  rackun  it  be  a  main  queer 
tale,  queerer  nor  any  them  writing  chaps 
tell  about.  It  wor  like  this.  (Dropping 
into  English,  in  his  hurry  to  get  his 
long  speech  over  before  he  forgets  it.) 
The  old  Squire  had  a  daughter  who 
disappeared  when  she  was  three  weeks 
old,  eighteen  years  ago.  It  was  always 
thought  she  was  stolen  by  somebody, 
and  the  Squire  would  have  it  that  she 
was  still  alive.  When  he  died  a  year 
ago  he  left  the  estate  and  all  his  money 
to  a  distant  cousin  in  Australia,  with 
the  condition  that  if  he  did  not  dis- 
cover the  missing  baby  within  twelve 
months  everything  was  to  go  to  the 
hospitals.  (Remembering  his  smock  and 
whiskers  with  a  start.)  And  here  du  be 
the  last  day,  zo  it  be,  and  t'  Squoire's 
daughter,  her  ain't  found. 

Willyum  (puffing  at  a  new  and  empty 
clay  pipe).  Zure-lie.  (Jarge,  a  trifle 
jealous  of  Willyum's  gag,  pulls  out  a 
similar  pipe,  but  smokes  it  with  t)ie 
bowl  upside,  down  to  show  his  indepen- 
dence.) T'  Squire's  darter  (Jarge 
frowns),  her  hain't  (Jarge  wishes  he  had 
thought  of"  hain't  ") — her  hain't  found. 
(There  is  a  dramatic  pause,  only 
broken  by  tlie  prompter.)  Her  ud  be 
little  Eachel's  age  now,  bor  ? 

Jarge  (reflectively).  Ay,  ay.  A  main 
queer  lass  little  Eacheldu  be.  Her  hain't 
like  ona  of  us. 


Willyum.  Her  do  be  that  fond  of 
zoap  and  water.  (Laughter.) 

Jarge  (leaving  nothing  to  chance). 
Happen  she  might  be  a  real  grand  lady 
by  birth,  bor. 

Enter  Eachel,  beautifully  dressed 
in  the  sort  of  costume  in  which  one 
iron  Id  go  to  a  fancy-dress  ball  as  a 
village  maiden. 

Rachel  (in  the  most  expensive  accent). 
Now,  uncle  George  (shaking  a  finger  at 
him),  didn't  you  promise  me  you'd  go 
straight  home?  It  would  serve  you 
right  if  I  never  tied  your  tie  for  you 
again.  (She  smiles  brightly  at  him.) 

Jarge  (slapping  his  thigh  in  ecstasy). 
Eh,  lass !  yer  du  keep  us  old  uns  in 
order.  (He  bursts  into  a  falsetto  chuckle, 
loses  the  note,  blushes  and  buries  his 
head  in  his  mug.) 

Willyum  (rising).  Us  best  be  gettin' 
down  along,  Jarge,  a  rackun. 

Jarge.    Ay,  bor,  time  us  chaps  was 
moving.     Don't  'e  be  long,  lass. 
[E.tcnnt,  limping  heavily.] 

Rachel  (sitting  doion  on  the  log).  Dear 
old  men  1  How  I  love  them  all  in  this 
village!  I  have  known  it  all  my  life. 
How  strange  it  is  that  I  have  never 
had  a  father  or  mother.  Sometimes 
I  seem  to  remember  a  life  different  to 
this — a  life  in  fine  houses  and  spacious 
parks,  among  beautifully  dressed  people 
(which  is  surprising  seeing  that  she 
was  only  three  weeks  old  at  the  time  ; 
but  the  audience,  must  be  given  a  hint 
of  the  plot),  and  then  it  all  fades  away 
again.  (She  looks  fixedly  into  space.) 
Enter  Hugh  Fitzhugh,  Squire. 

Fitzhugh  (standing  behind  Rachel, 
but  missing  her  somehow).  Did  ever 
man  come  into  stranger  inheritance? 
A  wanderer  in  Central  Australia,  I 
hear  unexpectedly  of  my  cousin's  death 
through  an  advertisement  in  an  old 
copy  of  a  Sunday  newspaper.  I  hasten 
home — too  late  to  soothe  his  dying 
hours;  too  late  indeed  to  enjoy  my 
good  fortune  for  more  than  one  short 
day.  To-morrow  I  must  give  up  all 
to  the  hospitals,  unless  by  some  stroke 
of  Fate  this  missing  girl  turns  up. 
(Impatiently)  Pshaw !  She  is  dead. 
(Suddenly  he  notices  Rachel.)  By 
heaven,  a  pretty  girl  in  this  out-of-the- 
way  village !  (He  laalks  round  her.) 
Gad,  she  is  lovely!  Hugh,  my  boy, 
you  are  in  luck.  (He  takes  off  his  hat.) 
Good  evening,  my  dear  1 

Rachel  (with  a  start).  Good  evening. 

Fitzhugh  (aside).  She  is  adorable. 
She  can  be  no  common  village  wench. 
(Aloud)  Do  you  live  here,  my  girl? 

Rachel.  Yes,  I  have  always  lived 
here.  (Aside)  How  handsome  he  is. 
Down,  fluttering  heart. 

Fitzhugh  (sitting  on  the  log  beside 
her).  And  who  is  the  lucky  village  lad 
who  is  privileged  to  woo  such  beauty  ? 


Rachel.  I  have  no  lover,  Sir. 

Fitzhugh  (taking  her  hand).  Can 
Hodge  bo  so  blind  ? 

Rachel  (innocently).  Are  you  making 
love  to  me  ? 

Fitzhugh.    Upon   my   word   I  

(He  gets  up  from  the  log,  which,  is  not 
really  comfortable.)  What  is  your  name? 

Rachel.  Eachel    (She  rises.) 

Fitzhugh.  It  is  the  most  beautiful 
name  ic  the  world.  Eachel,  will  you 
be  my  wife  ? 

Rachel.  But  we  have  known  each 
other  such  a  short  time  ! 

Fitzhugh  (lying  bravely).  We  have 
known  each  other  for  ever. 

Rachel.  And  you  are  a  rich  gentle- 
man, while  I 

Fitzhugh.  A  gentleman,  I  hope,  but 
rich — no.  To-morrow  I  shall  be  a 
beggar.  No,  not  a  beggar  if  I  have 
your  love,  Eachel. 

Rachel  (making  a  lucky  shot  at  his 
name).  Hugh  !  (They  embrace.) 

Fitzhugh.  Let  us  plight  our  troth 
here.  See  I  give  you  my  ring  1 

Racliel.  And  I  give  you  mine. 

[She  takes  one  from  the  end  of  a  chain 
which  is  round  her  neck,  and  puts 
it  on  his  finger.  Fitzhugh  looks 
at  it  and  staggers  back. 

Fitzhugh.  Heavens!  They  are  the 
same  ring !  (In  great  excitement) 
Child,  child  who  are  you  ?  How  came 
you  by  the  crest  of  the  Fitzhughs  ? 

Rachel.  Ah,  who  am  I  ?  I  never  had 
any  parents.  When  they  found  me  they 
found  that  ring  on  me,  and  I  have  kept 
it  ever  since  1 

Fitzhugh.  Let  me  look  at  you  !  It 
must  be !  The  Squire's  missing  daughter! 

[Gaffers  Jarge  and  Willyum,  having 
entered  unobserved  at  the  back  some 
time  ago,  have  been  putting  in  a 
lot  of  Jieavy  by -play  until  wanted. 

Jarge  (at  last)  Lor' bless 'ee,  Willyum, 
if  it  hain't  Squire  a-kissin"  our  Eachel ! 

Willyum.  Zo  it  du  be.  Here  du  be 
goings-on  !  What  will  t'  passon  say  ? 

Jarge  (struck  with  an  idea).  Zay,  bor, 
don't  'ee  zee  a  zort  o'  loikeness  atween 
t'  inaid  and  t'  Squire  ? 

Willyum.  Jarge,  if  you  bain't  right, 
lad.  Happen  she  do  have  t'  same  nose! 

[Hearing  something,  Fitzhugh  and 
Eachel  turn  round. 

Fitzhugh.   Ah,  my  men !  I  'm  your  ! 
new  Squire.    Do  you  know  who  this  is  ? 

Willyum.  Why,  her  du  be  our  Eachel. 

Fitzhuqh.  On  the  contrary,  allow 
me  to  introduce  you  to  Miss  Fitzhugh, 
daughter  of  the  late  Squire  ! 

Jarge.  Well  this  du  be  a  day !  To 
think  of  our  Eachel  now ! 

Fitzhugh.     My  Eachel  now. 

Rachel  (ivho,  it  is  to  be  hoped,  has 
been  amusing  Jierself  somehow  since  her 
last  speech).     Your  Eachel  always ! 
CUBTAIN.        A.  A.  M. 


FEBRUARY  15.  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


115 


RAY 


Superior  Liult  Boy  (to  <7,  vernai).  •'  REALLY,  Miss  BROWN,  IT  'a  NO  EARTHLY  TAKING  BABY  TO  LOOK  AT  ZEBRAS—  HI  'LL  SIMPLY 
' 


CHIVALRY. 

"  Fuit  autem  pudor,"  said  CICERO, 
no  doubt  waving  his  right  hand  in  the 
air  and  pouring  himself  out  a  glass  of 
water  with  his  left,  "fait  humanitas  I  " 
"  The  age  of  chivalry  is  gone,"  ex- 
plained BURKE  to  a  generation  which 
had  forgotten  what  CICERO  meant. 
But  they  were  both  wrong,  for  there 
is  always  Thomas  Watts. 

He  and  I  work  together,  but  had 
been  for  some  days  separated  because 
it  had  been  holiday-time.  That  is  in- 
variably the  occasion  on  which  my 
relations,  friends,  acquaintances  and 
dependants  fall  ill — some  noisily,  some 
importantly,  some  heroically,  some 
l'o;i-,ifully,  some  priggishly,  none  un- 
obtrusively, but  all  in  such  a  manner 
that  I  have  to  sympathise  with  them 
and  hear  them  out.  To  escape  the 
local  depression  I  had  returned  to 
London  a  little  before  my  time,  and, 
when  last  of  all  Thomas  arrived  heavily 
scarfed  and  sighing  deeply  at  short 
intervals,  I  felt  that  everyone  except 
me  was  ill,  and  I  the  one  poor  unfor- 


tunate left  to  do  all  the  sympathising. 
I  could  bear  it  no  longer. 

"  For  heaven's  sake,"  I  shouted, 
"  don't.  I  will  assume  that  you  feel 
absolutely  rotten,  that  you  simply  can- 
not understand  it,  that  your  tempera- 
ture has  been  everything  from  98C  to 
110°,  that  it  cannot  be  due  to  anything 
that  you  have  eaten,  that  you  ache  all 
over.  I  assume  everything,  and  let 
that  be  the  beginning  and  the  end  of 
it.  Now  hear  my  tale.  I  have  met 
nothing  but  invalids  during  the  last 
weeks.  I  have  listened  to  symptoms 
for  hours.  I  have  said,  'I  am  so 
sorry,'  and  'I  am  so  sorry,'  more 
often  than  I  care  to  remember.  If 
you  are  a  gentleman,"  I  concluded, 
"  you  will  not  even  mention  your 
malady,  much  less  describe  it." 

Thomas  was  not  annoyed,  not  even 
a  little  short  with  me.  On  the  con- 
trary, "  My  dear  fellow,"  he  said  with 
a  hurried  and  apologetic  sneeze,  "  how 
stupid  and  thoughtless  I  have  been. 
If  only  I  had  known  how  it  would  in- 
convenience you,  I  would  never  have 
gone  and  caught  this  chill." 


LETTERS  TO  A  DISTINGUISHED 
IDLER. 

"DISTINGUISHED  IDLER,  tired  of  doing 
nothing,  asks  men  who  have  done  much  to  out- 
line for  him  a  scheme  of  life  which  will  eomUne 
activity  and  usefulness,"  etc.  —  The  Time*, 

REMEMBER  that  the  gods  help  those 
that  help  themselves.  JOHN  BURNS. 

I  have  grave  doubts  as  to  your  dis- 
tinction, but  none  at  all  that  you  are 
an  idler.  Come  round  to  the  G.P.O. 
and  help  our  customers  stick  their 
stamps  on.  HERBERT  SAMUEL. 

We  are  just  creating  a  new  post  in 
this  office  —  a  kind  of  tallyman  to  keep 
count  of  our  libel  actions.     I  daresay  it 
might  suit  you  if  you  cared  to  apply. 
EDITOR  Daily  Chronicle. 

"  ENGLISH  CCP.     St.  Petersburg.     In  the  re- 


.        .  . 

II'IUM!  cup  tie  between  Oldliam  Athletic  and 
Birmingham  the  former  were  successful  by  two 
fioals  to  none."  —  Tlic  Statesman. 

The  idea  of  re-playing  cup-ties  on 
neutral  ground  is  good,  but  it  need  not 
be  pushed  too  far. 


116 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15.  1911. 


TALKS    WITH    THE    GREAT. 

STUDY    IN    THE    MAXXKU    OF 

Mi:.  I''KANK  HARRIS. 

II.uiNG  met  everyone,  it  follows  of 
•ourse  tliat  I  was  on  terms  of  intimacy 
vitli  BHOWXIXG.  No  one,  in  fact,  can 
vithhokl  friendship  from  me.  There 
s  something  about  me — a  je  no  sais 
^i,  as  dear  BAUDELAIRE  used  to  put 
't — which  impels  confidence,  kills  re- 
serve. I  slip  my  arm  through  theirs, 
icld  it  in  the  vice  of  friendship,  and  they 
_;ive  way.  As  BROWNING  used  to  say, 
'  My  dear  Frank,  you  're  wonderful. 
The  Old  Man  of  the  Sea  isn't  in  it 
with  you."  Poor  BROWNING  !  How  ex- 
traordinarily ordinary  his  conversation 
could  be  1  Few  things  have  perplexed 
me  so  much  as  that.  We  would  walk 
along  the  Paddington  Canal  morning 
after  morning  from  Warwick  Gardens, 
and  all  the  talking  would  be  left  for 
me.  Once  I  renumber  I  was  develop- 
ng  some  daring  fantastic  theory  with 
nore  than  usual  brilliancy,  when  I 
'ound  that  the  poet  had  disappeared, 
[n  my  excitement  I  had  let  go  his*arm 
and  he  had  lost  his  way,  or  something. 
But  that  was  a  slip ;  it  never  occurred 
again. 

How  different  was  NEWMAN  1  In 
;he  safe  silent  security  of  Edgbaston, 

was  always  sweet,  always  patient. 
Hour  after  hour  have  I  spent  with  this 
jreat  if  utterly  misguided  man — 1 
ilmost  wrote  gentleman — pouring  out 
floods  of  what  must  have  seemed  to 
him  terrible  heterodoxy  if  not  positive 
freo-thought.  But  he  never  stopped 
me.  I  did  my  best  to  get  him  to  stay 
at  Monte  Carlo  with  mo,  but  in  vain. 
It  was,  I  think,  my  only  rebuff. 

TKNNYSON  I  saw  rarely  in  London, 
but  both  at  Aldworth  and  Farringdon 
in  the  Isle  of  Wight  he  and  I  were 
inseparable ;  but  I  prefcrre  1  BROWNING. 
There  was  something  a  little  vulgar,  a 
littla  provincial,  and  also  something 
far  too  smug  for  my  palate  alxmt 
TKN.NYSON.  He  looked  as  if  he  might 
read  the  lessons  in  church,  as  I  said  to 
him  one  day.  He  took  it  very  well. 
"  Do  I  ?  "  he  said.  "  Well,  Frank,  yot 
don't  1 "  "  No,"  said  I ;  "  and  what's- 

more,   ALFRED,   by   !    I    don't 

want  to.'' 

In  the  afternoon  he  gave  his  guest* 
one  of  his  tiresome  readings  of  Maud 
and  I  made  a  number  of  criticisms : 
but  his  was  too  parochial  a  mind  to 
appreciate  them.  None  the  less  I  am 
not  sorry  to  have  talked  with  him. 
He  meant  well  in  the  main. 

HUXLEY  was  made  of  sterner  stuff 
He  met  every  argument  with  another 
and,  as  I  once  said  to  him,  if  his  pisto 
missed  fire  he  knocked  one  down  \\itl 


he  butt  end  of  it.  "  Very  good,  Frank," 
u-  replied,  "  that 's  one  of  the  best 
il lings  I  ever  heard.  Whore  did  you 
get  your  wit  ?  "  But  who  can  answer 
questions  like  that?  Just  as  I  had 
u'lpt.-d  N K  W.MAN  \\ith  some  of  his  real 
sermons,  so  did  I  help  HUXLEY  with  a 
ay  sermon  now  and  then.  But  it  was 
useless  to  try  to  get  style  into  the  man. 
His  knowledge,  however,  was  encyclo- 
>  rd it-,  and  his  observation  very  keen. 
I  remember  one  instance  of  both.  I 
lad  gone  to  see  him  one  cold  day  in 
winter  and  I  was  wearing  a  fur  coat. 
\s  it  happened,  it  was  a  new  one. 
'  My  dear  Frank,"  he  said,  "you  've  got 
i  new  coat.  It 's  rabbit  this  time.  Your 
old  one  was  retriever."  The  amazing 
sart  of  this  is  that  he  was  right. 

But  I  consider  CARLYLE  my  trump 
ard.  GAULYLE  I  used  to  see  con- 
tinually, as  all  readers  of  The  English 
Revieiv  know  by  now,  in  1878  and 
1879.  The  first  time  (or  was  it  the 
ast  ?)  I  met  him  was  on  the 
Embankment.  It  was  the  saddest 
'ace  I  ever  saw.  Why  did  he  look 
so  wretched  ?  What  could  be  the 
Emaning  of  it?  Could  it  be  that 
la  knew  who  I  was?  He  did  not 
speak,  and  I  turned  and  walked 
aeside  him  with  my  best  half-Nelson 
[ust  above  his  elbow.  He  still  said 
lothing.  After  waiting  for  a  little  I 
determined  to  make  him  speak,  so  I 
said,  "  CAGLIOSTRO  says  somewhere 
that  man  is,  after  all,  man.  PARACELSUS 
differentiates  between  man  and  woman, 
but  BOEHHE,  in  that  wonderful  vision 
in  the  Sixth  book  (you  remember), 
would  have  us  believe  that  man  and 
woman,  or  woman  and  man,  each  is 
distinct — in  other  words,  male  and 
female.  To  quote  the  sublime  VILLON  : 
'Sait  vostre  mSre  que  vous  estes  sorti?' 
What  do  you  think,  master?  " 

He  stood  still.  "  Eh,  mon,"  he  said 
at  last,  "ye 're  a  marvel.  And  only 
twa-and-twinty.  It 's  braw  leukin'  at 
ye :  such  as  ye  ought  not  tae  be  sub- 
jected tae  the  risks  of  daily  life.  It 's 
cotton-wool  I  'd  be  presairvin'  ye  in. 
But  don't  quote  VILLON  to  me.  VILLON 
was  a  guttersnipe."  By  this  time  I 
had  seen  all  his  limitations,  and  my 
heart  was  filled  with  pity  for  the  mis- 
taken old  man.  VILLON  a  guttersnipe  ! 
There  you  have  CARLYLE  in  both  his 
i»i\  atness  and  his  littleness — greatness 
in  being  so  positive,  littleness  in  bein 
io  wrong.  1  proceeded  to  put  him 
right. 

It  is  strange,  but  I  had  bsen  very 
nervous  with  CABLYLE  at  first.  When 
he  had  said  foolish  things  I  mereh 
neld  my  tongue,  but  now  that  I  ruui 
grown  to  know  him  better  I  becalm 
.mpatient  and  threw  restraint  to  the 
.vinds.  That  is  my  way.  Each  two 


ninutes  of  a  solitary  talk  with  anyone 
I  look  upon  as  a  separate  conversation, 
livided  from  the  next  two  minutes  by 
lays,  weeks  or  months.  In  this  way 
ntimacy  ripens  fast.  What  else  CAR- 
said  I  shall  not  write  here,  not 
the  story  of  his  married  life, 
which  he  told  me  without  reserve 
while  the  tears  poured  down  his  face. 
Everything  he  laid  bare  to  me,  and 
>ome  day  I  shall  lay  it  still  barer. 
)ne  odd  thing  in  our  first  talk  I  may 
lowever  mention  in  this  place,  and 
,hat  is  that  neither  he  nor  I  knew 
that  DARWIN  was  still  living. 

[To  be,  no  doubt,  continued ;   but 
not  hcre.~\ 

'SATISFACTORY  NOBLEMEN  " 

WE  have  read  with  mingled  emotions 
;he  following  interesting  statement  in 
hat  sturdy  Radical  organ,  Tlic  Man- 
hester  Guardian  : — 

"  A  figure  that  can  ill  be  spared  from 
;he  pageantry  of  the  Coronation  is 
Lord  Howard  de  Walden.  Of  all  the 
ords  of  long  pedigree  he  is  the  most 
picturesque,  botli  physically  and  in  the 
nanner  of  his  life.  His  tall,  athletic 
igure,  the  delicately  strong  lines  of  his 
'ace,  the  slight  aristocratic  curve  of  the 
nose,  and  the  rather  lazy  droop  of 
;he  eyelids  would  have  given  Disraeli 
vast  pleasure  to  describe.  And  if  his 
presence  in  a  drawing-room  of  the  great 
world,  his  Chesterfieldian  politeness  to 
the  arts,  his  brilliant  effect,  have  not 
actually  been  described  by  Mr.  Henry 
fames  in  The  Velvet  Glove,  then  the 
world  has  been  more  than  usually  out 
in  its'  guesses.  He  is  probably  as 
satisfactory  a  nobleman  as  we  could 
produce  for  our  guests  of  the  great  year 
to  look  at." 

It  is  a  great  comfort  to  think  that  the 
ip  left  by  the  absence  of  this 
picturesque  figure  will  be  more  than 
made  up  by  some  of  the  new  p39rs 
who  will  shortly  be  created  to  redress 
the  inequality  of  parties  in  the  House 
of  Lords. 

Amongst  these  a  foremost  place  is 
lue  to  Sir  Ahasuerus  ( lu'dlx-rg,  who, 
it  is  understood,  will  on  his  elevation 
assume  the  title  of  Baron  Boodle  of 
Bonanza.  Though  his  stature  does 
not  exceed  middle  height,  his  glossy 
ringlets  and  the  opulent  contour  of  his 
figure,  the  sheer  slope  of  his  shoul- 
ders and  the  noble  curve  of  his  nose 
ire  enough  to  tempt  Mr.  Sargent  back 
nto  the  arena  of  portraiture.  Sir 
Ahasuerus  is  a  many-sided  magnate,  dis- 
tinguished alike  in  the  fields  of  financa, 
art,  and  rubber  planting.  A  man  of 
simple  tastes,  he  lives  almost  entirely 
on  Devonshire  cream,  pcite  de  foie  gras, 
ortolans  and  caviare.  He  has  three 


,  LET  15.  ion.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Husband.  "I  SAY,  HOW  MANT  L'S  is  BILIOUS  ? " 

n'i/e.  "ONE,  OF  COURSE.    You  TOLD  ME  HOW  TO  SPELL  IT  TBSTKUDAT  WHEN  I  WAS  WRITING." 

Husband.  "An! — BUT  /'M  WHITING  KOW,  AND  THAT  MAKES  ALI  TH«  DIKFEKKNCE." 


sons  at  Eton  and  his  only  daughter 
was  married  last  year  to  the  Master  of 
Musselburgh.  A  vivid  if  somewhat 
malicious  portrait  of  this  great  citizen 
is  to  be  found  in  the  sparkling  pages 
df  Mr.  ANTHONY  HOPE'S  romance,  The 
Proclivities  of  Satan. 

Equally  attractive  in  physique  and 
oven  more  distinguished  intellectually 
is  the  Right  Hon.  Jonah  Gladstone 
lock,  late  Radical  Member  for 
Chowbent.  Mr.  Bagstock,  whose  in- 
come runs  to  six  figures,  has  probably 
the  most  luxuriant  whiskers  in  all 
Lancashire,  and  his  genial  wit  makes 
him  the  idol  of  his  cronies  in  the  smoke- 
room  of  the  National  Liberal  Club. 
Hi'  has  the  finest  collection  of  Sigis- 
mund  Goetzes  in  the  world,  and  is  an 
t'xpci-t  performer  on  the  pianola.  Mr. 
i>ck  will  almost  certainly  take  the 
title  of  Baron  Bagstock  of  Chowbent. 
It  should  lw  added  that  Sir  W.  ROBERT- 
SON NICOLL  has  hit  off  some  of  Mr. 
Bagstock's  most  salient  traits  in  his 
poignant  romance,  CatechismalCleiiu-nt. 

Another  magnificent  specimen  of  the 
chivalrio  Anglo-Semitic  type  is  Sir 
Aubrey  Sonnenschein.  Of  ample  pro- 
portions, with  beautifully  modelled  pre- 


hensile hands  and  a  superb  pigeon- 
toed  walk  which  is  the  delight  of  Pall 
Mall,  Sir  Aubrey's  resonant  voice  and 
rich  guttural  enunciation  invariably 
secure  for  him  an  attentive  hearing 
even  in  the  most  plutocratic  salons 
of  Mayfair.  A  staunch  and  unflinching 
Radical,  he  has  only  yielded  reluctantly 
to  the  call  of  duty  in  consenting  to 
accept  a  peerage.  His  passionate 
interest  in  life  and  letters  is  sufficiently 
illustrated  by  the  fact  of  his  being  the 
proprietor  of  the  Post- Humanitarian 
Revieiv,  in  which  the  doctrines  of  the 
New  Epicureanism  are  propounded 
with  a  fearless  realism  seldom  at- 
tempted on  this  side  of  the  Channel. 
Sir  Aubrey  has  a  place  in  Cornwall 
near  Marazion,  a  stately  mansion  in 
Surrey,  and  a  charming  rococo  villa 
near  Joppa,  N.B.,  where  he  goes  for 
golf.  In  a  few  months  we  shall  wel- 
come him  under  his  new  title  of  Lord 
Mount-Carmel  of  Joppft.  Lady 
Sonnenschein,  who  was  formerly  Miss 
Bathsheba  Sloman,  is  a  superbly  hand- 
some woman,  of  whom  a  brilliant 
sketch  will  be  found  in  Sir  ABTHUK 
LE  QUEUX'S  famous  novel  The  Climbers. 
Lastly  we  have  to  mention  Mr. 


Leonard  Nuneham,  the  best  dressed 
and  best  groomed  member  of  the 
present  House  of  Commons.  The 
disparity  between  principle  and  prac- 
tice which  is  illustrated  by  his  life 
lends  a  peculiar  fascination  to  this 
admirable  politician.  On  the  platform 
he  is  practically  a  Socialist,  yet  al 
home  he  lives  a  life  of  semi-saltanic 
and  almost  Sardanapalian  luxury 
His  baths  are  of  solid  gold,  he  has  1C 
butlers,  24  footmen  and  72  best  bed- 
rooms, and  his  housekeeper  always 
wears  a  diamond  tiara  night  and  day 
He  has  gone  far  already,  but  he  will  go 
further  as  Lord  Downy  of  Rufus-stone. 
A  spirited  if  somewhat  partial  picture 
of  him  will  be  found  in  Mr.  HALL 
CAINB'S  clever  novel,  Sir  Humphry 
Calmady. 


"Humpstead    Hcnth.  —  Board-rcsidram   or 

apartments  iu  Euglutb  !a<l;'i  home." 

Advt.  »»  "Vai.'n  Mail.' 

"  England  1  with  all  thy  faults  I  love 
thee  still,  my  country !  and,  wbile  yel 
a  nook  is  left  where  English  minds  anc 
manners  may  be  found,  shall  be  coa- 
strain'd  to  love  thee." — The  To.si. 


"l!8  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15,  1911. 


Jones  (roused  "by  noises  in  his  lack-yard).     "  HULLO,  WHERE  ARE  YOU  TAKING  THAT  COAL  ?" 

Burglar  (jitdying  frankness  to  be  the  best  policy).     "ANYWHEKE  YEB  LIKE,  GUV'NOR — IT'S  YOUR  COAL  I" 


MINISTERIAL  ANGELS. 

THE  heroism  of  Mr.  HERBERT  LEWIS, 
M.P.,  Parliamentary  Secretary  to  the 
Local  Government  Board,  who  recently 
lunched  at  the  Cardiff  Workhouse,  has 
excited  great  interest  in  humanitarian 
circles,  and  a  movement  is  on  foot  to 
recommend  him  for  the  Carnegie 
Decoration.  Mr.  HERBERT  LEWIS,  it 
will  be  remembered,  only  had  half- 
rations  of  soup  at  the  workhouse,  and 
less  than  an  hour  afterwards  went  into 
a  well-known  Cardiff  restaurant  "  to 
get  some  prunes  and  a  cup  of  tea  " 
(Daily  Chronicle). 

This  fine  example,  we  are  glad  to 
learn,  has  soon  found  a  distinguished 
imitator. 

Mr.  LEWIS  HARCOUHT,  M.P.,  the 
Secretary  of  State  for  the  Colonies, 
not  to  be  outdone  by  a  subordinate 
colleague,  paid  a  visit  on  Saturday  to 
the  Hammersmith  Workhouse  and, 
greatly  daring,  dined  with  the  astonished 
inmates. 

During  the  afternoon  he  was  seen 
by  a  Press  representative,  when  he  con- 
firmed the  report,  which  had  already 
been  cabled  to  the  Springfiekl  Repub- 
lican, that  he  had  dined  at  the  expense 
of  the  ratepayers.  "  Why,  of  course," 
he  replied  with  a  winning  laugh, 


"  holding  the  views  I  do  on  the  strenuous 
and  ascetic  life,  which  alone  is  the 
guarantee  of  a  good  conscience,  what 
else  could  I  do '?  Besides,  there  is 
nothing  new  about  it.  My  home  is 
a  temple  of  toil,  and  I  always  lunch  in 
a  work-house." 

"  Were  you  introduced  to  the  in- 
mates? "  he  was  asked,  and  answered, 
"  Oh,  no,  they  naturally  thought  I  was 
one  of  themselves,  and  I  had  not  the 
heart  to  undeceive  them." 

"  Your  lunch,  I  hope,  was  en- 
joyable?" 

"Very  substantial  and  very  enjoy- 
able," replied  the  eminent  statesman. 

"  Then  how  comes  it,"  asked  the 
inquisitive  Pressman,  "  that  you  were 
sesn  entering  the  Fitz  Eestaurant  in 
less  than  an  hour's  time?  " 

Mr.  HARCOURT  laughed  a  rich  melo- 
dious laugh  and  explained.  "  You  see," 
he  said,  "  they  only  gave  me  half  rations 
of  pea  -  soup  at  the  workhouse ;  and, 
joking  apart,  I  simply  went  into  the 
restaurant  to  get  a  peacock's  brain 
sandwich  and  a  thimbleful  of  Imperial 
Tokay." 

Mr.  Punch  has  been  requested  to 
state  that  "  The  Oncomers'  Society," 
of  whose  inaugural  performance  he 
recently  gave  a  short  notice,  is  not  to 


be  confused  with  the  "  Oncomers' 
Association,"  which  started  earlier.  He 
declines  however  to  say  which  of  the 
two  it  was  that  invited  him  to  make 
this  statement. 


From  an  advt. : — - 

"A  great  opportunity  to  heads  of  Families  to 
secure  12  months  Footwear  at  a  Nominal  Cost." 

It 's   the    feet    of    our    families    that 
really  want  it. 


"  Mrs.  Beauehamp  Doran  regrets  that  shi  is 
obliged  to  postpone  her  tea  until  M.xivh." — 
Irish  Titn/.s. 

She  must  have  a  good  one  then. 

Art  for  Art's  Sake. 

"It  is  officially  stated  in  Mexico  City  that 
75  Revolutionists  and  12  Federals  were  killed 
in  a  battle  which  took  place  at  Scocia  giving 
the  airship  a  silver^  appearance." — The  Star. 

"Whether  a  few  hundred  new  persons  he 
created  or  not  is  a  ijuestion  for  the  existing 
pee] s. " — liril.fh  it' a klij. 

No,  no.     Even   the   House    of    Lords 
has  never  dictated  to  this  extent. 


"  '  The  lilue  Scarf,'  by  Mr.  Harrington  Mann, 
is  a  bold  clever  piece  of  work.  The  lady  is 
wearing  a  blue  scarf  which  gives  the  title  to  the 
picture." — The  Sphere. 

Subtle — but  we  see  it. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY  15,  1911. 


THE  REMAINS     5? 


IMPERIAL  PREFERE 


KILLED  BY 

RECIPROCITY. 


His  FOOD 


NO  MORE 1 


KESIGNATION. 

MR.  ARTHUR  BALFOUR  (looking  on  the  bright  side).    '"HIS    FOOD   WILL   COST   HIM   NO   MOKE.' 
A  BEAUTIFUL  THOUGHT!     SO   CONSOLING  I" 


FKUIU-AHY  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


121 


ESSENCE     OF    PARLIAMENT. 

K\l  I:  M    II  .11    I   HUM   1  UK    I>!  All  Y   OK    Tl'IlV,    M.I'.  I 

House  of  Gammons,  31<nitl<ti/,  i'<-i>. 
13. — Looking  round  crowded  Chamber 
n  busiest  moments  of  debate  on  Ad- 
•  iress,  one  is  struck  by  comparative 
absence  of  change  in  personality  of 
.Members.  There  has  been  the,  of  late, 
customary  annual  General  Election, 
Bringing  reverses  here  and  there.  But, 
as  the  French  say,  the  more  things 
change  the  more  they  remain  as  they 
were.  Easy  to  fancy  this  a  sitting  of 
House  of  last  year  with  a  few  score 
Members  still  making  holiday  or  tem- 
porarily absent  in  search  of  dinner. 

Treasury  Bench  perhaps  most  con- 
spicuously suffered  sea  change.  EOBSON 
and  SAM  EVANS,  respectively  Attorney- 
General  and  Solicitor-General  in  the 
last  Parliament,  come  back  no  more. 
This  not  consequent  on  defeat  at  the 
poll ;  due  to  well-deserved  promotion. 
Lovely  and  pleasant  in  their  Parli- 
amentary lives,  in  political  death  they 
are  divided  only  by  the  walls  of 
divers  Courts  of  Justice.  Proof  of 
a  mndance  of  talent  at  disposal  of 
happy  PREMIER  is  evident  in  the  fact 
t  iat  to  till  the  vacant  places  he  had  at 
hand  BUFUS  ISAACS  and  SIMON.  Never- 
t-ieless  House  thinks  kindly  of  those 
g  >ne  before — old  Members  who,  by 
sneer  ability,  won  their  way  to  the 
highest  posts  in  their  profession. 

Front  Opposition  Bench  has  lost  one 
who,  next  to  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  was  its 
doughtiest  fighter.  Parliamentary 
merit  not  so  conspicuous  or  over- 
whelming in  Opposition  camp  that  it 
can  afford  to  put  any  of  its  lights 
under  a  bushel.  SARK  is  reminded 
that  not  all  cases  of  extinction  are 
voluntary,  like  BONAR  LAW'S.  There 
was  JOHN  O'  GORST  at  the  disposal 
of  the  MAHKISS  when,  twenty-five 
years  ago,  he  unexpectedly  strode  into 
power  over  wreck  of  Liberal  Party 
s'i:iti,(«i-(>d  on  rock  of  Home  Rule. 
The  MABKISS  made  him  Under  Secre- 
tiry  for  India,  with  humour  character- 
is  icallv  sardonic  placing  over  him 
as  head  of  department  GRAND  CROSS. 
Later  GORST  was  made  Vice- President 
of  Committee  of  Council  on  E  lucation, 
ami  \\as  ini;illy  got  rid  of  by  the  subtle 
of  abolishing  the  office. 

As  PRINCE  ARTHUR  observed,  with 
that  deadly  logic  to  which  upon 
occasion  a  supremely  innocent  look 
lends  force,  "  Since  there  is  no  longer 

Vice-Presidency  of  Committee  of 
Council  on  Education,  how  can  GOEST 
hold  it  ?  " 

So  one  of  the  most  effective  debaters 
of  his  time  on  the  Treasury  Bench 
drifted  to  a  back  bench,  finally  into 
private  life. 


.*.* 


"  PETE n  PAX  '  AT   WESTMIXSTSI:. 

A  quith  (a?  SUrkey).   "Oh— h— h!  miserable  Asquilh  !  1 " 

He  linand.  the  Redskin.    "Oh.  futp/ty  As'iurh  ! !" 

Asquith.   "Oh — h — h — h — h!  ha — a — appy  A — a — osquith!!' 


BOXAB  LAW,  resigning  safe  seat  at 
Dulwich,  volunteered  at  General 
Election  to  lead  forlorn  hope  in  attack 
on  North- West  Manchester.  He  fell  in 
the  fight.  Resurgam.  Meanwhile 
Front  Opposition  Bench  increasingly 
ineffective  by  reason  of  his  absence. 

Another  notable  figure  disappeared 
from  stage  with  defeat  of  TIM  HEALY 
in  what  had  come  to  be  regarded  as 
bis  personal  stronghold.  Since  1892 
tour  times  did  his  friends  and  compan- 
ions dear,  marching  under  Redrnondite 


flag,  attempt  to  dislodge  him.  Four 
times  he,  singlehanded,  withstood  the 
assault.  On  fifth  occasion  he  was 
routed.  Redmondite  gain  is  House  of 
Commons'  loss.  The  only  resemblance 
TIM  bears  to  the  average  angel  ia 
that  his  visits  (to  Westminster)  were 
few  and  far  between.  When  he  put 
in  his  time  he  was  careful  to  fill  it. 
To  the  growing  envy  of  Mr.  GINNEIX, 
when  he  rose  he  invariably  caught  the 
SPEAKER'S  eye.  Benches  filled  up 
with  rapidity  equalled  only  in  case  of 


PUNCH  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  15,  1911. 


Mr.  Speaker  howther  is  led  triumphantly  to  the  Chair  for  the  fourth  time.  (Escort,  Lo:i 
Claud  Hamilton  and  the  Right  Hon.  Eugene  Wason). 

(Inset,  a  portrait  of  Mr.  Ginnell,  who  protested,  reduced  exactly  to  scale  of  relative 
importance.) 


PKEMIEB  or  PRINCE  ARTHUR.  For 
balf-an-hour  TIM  held  audience  en- 
thralled. 

Taken  for  granted  that  before  Session 
far  advanced  room  will  be  made  for 
his  re-appearance.  Not  at  all  a 
certainty.  In  addition  to  being  a 
patriot  TIM  has  in  these  latter  days 
become  a  prosperous  E.G.  May  be 
indisposed  to  give  up  to  House  of 
Commons  what  with  greater  personal 
profit  is  meant  for  the  King's  Courts  of 
Justice. 

Another  Irish  Member  knocked  out 
in  January  was  SLOAN  of  South  Belfast. 
Like  his  namesake  who  made  fame  on 
another  course,  revolutionising  racing 
by  riding  on  the  horse's  neck,  SLOAN 
had  independent  ways  that  did  no! 
recommend  him  to  his  Party.  Ulster 
was  only  half  interested  in  his  enter- 
prise. In  his  last  race  he,  so  to 
speak,  slipped  over  the  horse's  neck 
and  came  a  cropper. 

Three  old  Members  disappear  in 
the  persons  of  CHARLES  MCLAREN 
HENNIKER  HEATON,  and  HERMON 
HODGE.  With  respect  to  the  last, 
regret  on  part  of  friends  accustomed 


10  keep  close  company  with  him 
on  back  bench  above  Gangway  is 
modified  by  reflection  upon  removal  of 
1  contingency  which,  though,  purely 
'anciful,  was  not  the  less  productive  of 
apprehension.  Often  hear  of  danger 
arising  in  places  of  crowded  public 
resort  through  feminine  fashion  of 
mysteriously  fastening  on  hats  with 
prodigiously  long  pin.  This  nothing 
to  HERMON  HODGE'S  moustache, 
especially  at  sittings  when  it  had  in 
the  morning  been  freshly  trimmed  and 
waxed.  At  the  turning  of  his  head 
you  would  see  Members  seated  to  right 
or  left  of  him,  according  as  his  glance 
wandered,  hurriedly  withdraw  their 
cheek. 

HENNIKER  HEATON  carries  into 
retirement  the  comfortable  reflection  of 
having  effected  many  useful  reforms  in 
the  postal  service.  CHARLES  McLAREN, 
withdrawing  a  pleasant  presence  from 
long-familiar  scene,  leaves  behind 
hostages  to  fortune  in  the  persons  of  a 
brother  and  two  sons.  This  redund- 
ancy of  M.P's.  in  a  family  circle  runs 
the  Hatfield  House  establishment 
pretty  close. 


Of  graver  concern  is  the  event  that 
emptied  the  corner  seat  below  Gangway 
on  Ministerial  side.  There,  when  he 
entered  the  House  forty-three  years 
ago,  sat  CHARLES  DILKE.  Thence  he 
rose  to  make  historic  attack  on  the 
Sovereign's  Civil  List.  After  brief  but 
brilliant  career  on  Treasury  Bench  that 
seemed  to  promise  in  due,  perhaps  nob 
distant,  time  reversion  of  the  high  :st 
oilice  in  the  service  of  the  Crown,  he 
disappeared  in  the  darkness  and 
desolation  of  suddenly  falling  night. 
When  he  came  back  he  claimed  his 
old  corner  seat,  whether  to  the  right  or 
lelt  of  the  SPEAKER  according  to  the 
vicissitudes  of  Party  triumph.  Slowly 
but  surely,  with  dogged  courage  and 
impregnable  patience,  he  succeeded 
once  more  in  working  his  way  to 
prominent  position.  His  death,  taking 
place  on  the  very  eve  of  the  meeting  of 
the  new  Parliament,  drew  from  all 
quarters  personal  tributes,  through 
which  ran  the  murmur  of  inconsolable 
regret. 

THE  TOO-EARLY  BIRDS. 
THE   latest,   but   by  no  means   the 
last,  beauty-cure  is  sufficiently  heroio. 
Ladies  who  are  in  trouble  about  their 
looks  are  recommended  to  go  for  a  long 
walk  an  hour  before  day-break.      It  is 
not  apparently  stated  whether  the  fair 
devotees   are   expected   to    sit    up   all 
night,  so  as  not  to  miss  the  society  of 
the  milkman  and  the  early  worm,  but 
this   seems   not   an   unlikely  outcome 
of   the   present  roosting-hours.       We 
foresee  wigs  in  the  Green  Park.     Those 
who  out-Willett   the  order  of   Nature 
are  bound  to  pay  for  it  in  the  long  run. 
They   will   either   be   breakfasting   or 
supping  at  four  a.m.      The  idea  must 
be   firmly   and   thoroughly  squelched. 
We  cannot  have  Society  disorganised 
because,  in  the  sacred  cause  of  her  com- 
plexion, my  lady  is  impelled  to  go  cub- 
hunting  with  the  Battersea  Beagles  or  is 
out  with  the  Hyde-Park  Otter  Hounds 
by  the  light  of  the  morning    star.      It 
would  mean  that  we  others,  who  have  no 
particular  looks  to  bother  about,  would 
have  to  get  up  too.       We  should  all 
be  cross  after  eleven,  and  the  Divorce 
Court  is  hard  enough   worked  as  it  is. 
Besides,    the    retainers    of    Harriet 
would   never   stand   these  early-rising 
plaguy  ways,   and  there  would  be    a 
general  lock-out  of  mistresses. 


The  Globe  on  Cleopatra's  Needle: — 

"The  ship  on  whHi  it  was  placed  sank,  and 
it  seemed  as  though  the  great  column  would  go 
to  the  b  ttora  of  the  sea." 
It  must  have   been  a  surprise   to  see 
it  floatirg. 


15,  inn.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


123 


Man  (with  lui'j).     '•  WKLJ,,  lUuny,  MY  BUY,   nuw's  BUSINESS!" 

_- ' 


"  BUSINESS  !    WOT'S  THAT— SUMMAT  TO  EAT!" 


THE  JUGGEKNAUT. 

I  FANCY  they  must  have  fed  him  on 
oats  this  morning,  for  he  is  louder  and 
more  self-assertive  than  usual.  There 
are  some  people  who  take  a  foolish 
pride  in  manifestations  of  municipal 
progress,  but  they  have  probably  never 
been  bullied  for  three  whole  days  by  a 
Borough  Council  steam-roller.  It  is 
not  so  much  the  grinding  and  puffing 
that  I  object  to,  as  the  vanity  of  the 
creature;  he  carries  as  much  lift  as 
the  peacock,  which  he  faintly  resembles 
in  colour,  though  his  figure,  of  course,  is 
not  so  svelte.  Personally,  I  do  not 
believe  that  the  road  needs  repairing 
at  all,  certainly  not  the  part  just  in 
front  of  my  windows.  But  knowing 
tluit  I  should  be  in  all  the  morning 
tho  detestable  brute  has  chosen  this 
patch  of  ground  for  his  insolent  parade. 
For  a  long  time  I  refused  to  get  up 
and  look  at  him,  but  at  last  I  yiolded, 
and  (would  you  believe  it  ?)  he  positively 
simpered  with  pride,  spiva  I  out  his 


back  wheels  to  their  fullest  extent,  and 

minced  (there  is  no  other  word  for  it) 

down  the  road. 

I  have  drawn  up  a  small  bill  which 

I   intend   to    submit   to   the  Borough 

Council   who   own   him.     It   runs  as 

follows : — 

The  Borough  Council. 
Dr.  to  J.  Smith. 

To  loss  of  time  spent  in  listen- 

ingtoyour steam-roller.     2  gns. 

To  ditto,  ditto,  in  waving  to  it 

to  move  on 2  gns. 

To  damage  to  nervous  system, 
and  medical  repair  of  same  . 

To  loss  of  moral  character  oc- 
casioned by  talking  to  your 

.   steam-roller   . 


5  gns. 


cioo 


even  so,  I  shall  not  be  satisfied.  What 
I  should  really  like  to  do  would  be  to 
spread  the  Borough  Council  very  neatly 
(in  their  top  hats  and  frock  coats)  on 
the  ground  in  front  of  my  windows  and 
lay  two  cart-loads  of  flints  on  the  top 
of  them.  Then  the  steam-roller  could 
get  to  work  again.  The  sound  would 
be  considerably  deadened,  and  there  is 
nothing  that  binds  a  road  so  well  or 
makes  such  an  excellent  and  lasting 
surface  as  a  really  plump  Borough 
Councillor. 


£109  9  0 

Deduction  for  alleged  benefit  to 
part  of  road  used  by  J.  Smith          6d. 


"A  Prc-tty  Knitt  n>?  Pattern. — Cast  on  any 
to  serve  : — To  every  ]  uund  of  carrot  pulp  num- 
ber of  stitches  that  can  be  divided  by  five  :  l.-t 
row — knit  1." — A'oi thampton  Daily  Chronitlt. 

The  -carrot    pulp   can   be   left  out  if 
desired. 


Total     .     .     .   £109  8  G 
I  rather  doubt  if  I  shall  be  paid,  bat, 


"  Many  are  d'sinc'ined  to  swallow  Lord 
(iiirvin's  advice  that  they  should  force  on  tlio 
creation  of  500  peers." — Al-Mogkftt  Al-Aksi. 

Perhaps    this   one   new    p.  er   will   be 
enough. 


124 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  15,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"THE    WITNESS    FOR    THE    DEFENCE. 

Henri/  Thresh  was  one  of  those  nuv 
trotters  who  can  spend  six  weeks  in 
India  without  proposing  to  write  a 
oook  about  it.  He  had,  in  fact,  no 
connection  with  the  Labour  Party. 
Hearing  that  an  old  love  of  his  was 
[failing  a  dog's  life  with  her  brute  of  ii 
husband — an  official  somewhere  in 
Rajputana — he  breaks  his  journey  and 
runs  over  on  a  Camel  to  see  if  the 
reports  are  correct.  A  rapid  meal  an'l 
a  few  brief  passages  of  postprandial 
dialogue  suffice  to  prove  the  worst. 
His  last  sight  of  her,  before  he  responds 
to  the  whistle  of  the  train  and  the  call 
of  the  camel,  is  in  the  act  of  toying 
suspiciously  with  a  rook-rifle. 

Arrived  at  Bombay,  he  learns  that 
the  husband  was  found  dead  in  his 
tent  that  same  night,  and  that  the  wife 
is  charged  with  his  murder.  He 
volunteers  evidence  in  her  defence,  and 
by  adroit  perjury  helps  to  get  her  off. 
Two  years  later  he  finds  her  in 
Sussex,  about  to  be  married  to  p 
nic3  clean  young  fellow,  whose  rela- 
tives (including  a  solicitor),  being 
sceptical  about  her  innocence,  have 
invited  him  down  there  on  a  plausible 
excuse,  with  the  purpose  of  pumping 
him  about  the  evidence  he  gave  at  the 
trial.  Under  a  stiff  cross-examination 
he  repeats  and  embroiders  his  former 
perjury;  but,  on  hearing  her  own 
confession  of  an  act  that  was  on  the 
borderland  between  murder  and  just  - 
fiable  homicide,  he  insists  that  she 
must  share  her  secret  with  her  future 
husband  before  it  is  loo  late  for  him 
to  scratch  his  engagement.  In  point 
of  fact  it  is  already  too  late,  for  they 
were  privily  married  a  week  ago  ;  but 
he  takes  the  news  very  nicely. 

Well,  what  I  want  to  know  is  this  : 
(1)  If  Thresk  volunteered  to  perjure 
himself  for  the  lady  so  as  to  save  her 
neck  and  give  her  a  chance  of  getting 
what  happiness  was  still  to  be  had  out 
of  life,  why  should  he  worry  as  to  how 
or  where  she  gets  her  happiness — 
whether  through  marriage  or  other- 
wise? Having  saved  her  from  one 
possible  death,  why  should  he  insist 
on  her  risking  a  second,  for  she 
threatens  to  take  her  own  life  if  hei 
lover  kicks  at  her  revelation  ?  And 
why,  in  Heaven's  name,  should  Thresk 
make  it  his  officious  concern  to  see 
that  this  man,  a  perfect  stranger  to 
him,  should  not  marry  with  his  eves 
shut? 

Solutions  to  these  riddles  will  be 
very  acceptable,  and  if  Mr.  MASON  will 
adjudicate  I  shall  be  much  obliged  to 
him.  He  might  at  the  same  time  tel 


me  (2)  what  sort  of  etiquette  it  is  that 
permits  a  solicitor  to  cross-examine  a 
ivitne-;s  on  the  evidence  which  he  gave 
'or  the  defence  in  a  murder  trial  after 
in  interval  of  two  years.  It  was 
mmniscly  to  the  credit  both  of 
Mr.  SYDNEY  VALENTINE  and  Mr.  GEORGE 
ALEXANDER  (as  well  as  to  the  author 
or  his  handling  of  the  argument)  that 
Jiis  unbelievable  investigation  was 
Carried  out  with  such  an  air  of  prob- 
ability. 

Certain  details  of  the  play  recall  the 

act  that  Mr.  MASON  last  year  made  an 

excursus    into  the  realm  of    detective 

iction.      I   read  his   Villa  Rose  with 

wonder  and  sadness :  wonder  that  he 

hould  have  caught  the  trick  of  it  so 

cleverly,  sadness  that  he  should  have 

bought  it  necessary  to  drop  his  own 


Stella  Haltantynt  (Mi.ss  ETHEL  IRVINU). 
Then  I  sliull  kill  myself  with  an  overdose  ol 
sleeping  draught. 

Henry  Thresk  (Ma.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER). 
Well,  take  pains  about  it.  Last  time  you 
attempted  suiuide  you  missed  yourself ! 

charming  literary  style  in  favour  of  the 
dull  and  banal  manner  traditional!  \ 
affected  by  the  hack-writers  of  this 
school.  In  The  Witness  for  the  Defence 
he  seems  still  to  be  labouring  under  the 
regulation,  proper  enough  to  detective 
stories,  that  secrets  must  be  hidden 
from  the  public  as  long  as  possible. 
Thus  in  the  First  Act  the  curtain  falls- 
prematurely  on  Stella  Ballantyne  point- 
ing her  rifle  at  her  oncoming  husband  ; 
and  so  far  from  being  shown  whether 
she  kills  him  by  intent  or  oversight, 
or  reverts  to  her  original  arrangement 
and  shoots  herself,  we  are  not  even 
allowed  for  the  time  being  to  know 
whether  she  so  much  as  discharges  the 
weapon  at  all. 

Again  we  are  left  in  the  dark  as  to 
her  previous  relations  with  Thresk. 
Just  a  hint  or  so,  and  misleading  at 


that,  is  permitted ;  and  it  is  not  till  the 
Third  Act  that  we  learn  that  she  was 
in  love  with  him  once,  but  has  long 
ago  grown  out  of  it.  Sticklers  for 
tradition  may  resent  these  shock- 
tactics,  and  insist  that  the  audience 
should  be  taken  at  once  into  the 
author's  confidence.  Personally  I  have 
no  feeling  in  the  matter,  except  that 
I  am  always  rather  glad  if  a  dramatist 
can  see  his  way  to  scandalise  the  old 
stagers. 

The  honours  went  to  Miss  ETHEL 
I  HYING  for  a  really  remarkable  per- 
formance, to  which  her  nervousness 
on  the  first  night  lent  an  added  touch 
of  emotional  realism.  Her  sslf-revela- 
tion  in  the  Third  Act  was  a  triumph 
of  spontaneous  sincerity.  In  a  less 
picturesque  part  Mr.  SYDNEY  VALEN- 
TINE was  the  very  mirror  of  nature. 
Mr.  GEORGE  ALEXANDER'S  mood  was 
one  of  modest  restraint.  His  r6lc 
lacked  the  usual  prominence,  and  at 
times  he  even  seemed  to  be  employing 
a  scheme  of  protective  colouring  by 
which  to  merge  himself  in  his  back- 
ground. I  cannot  say  whether  he  got 
shaken  up  by  his  experience  with  the 
camel,  but  I  have  seldom  seen  so  much 
subordination  of  self  in  an  actor- 
manager.  Mr.  ALFRED  B.snor  was 
not  perhaps  allowed  so  much  chance 
for  his  particular  gift  of  humour  as  he 
could  have  found  use  for.  Mr.  LYSTON 
LYLE  as  the  bully,  Stephen  Bnllantijne, 
came  very  near  to  the  achievements  of 
Mr.  NORMAN  McKiNNEL,  specialist  in 
this  kind.  The  rest  of  the  cast  were 
uniformly  good. 

I  am  told  that  Mr.  MASON'S  latest 
play  is  likely  to  get  at  the  British 
bosom ;  and  this  is  good  hearing,  by 
whatever  unfathomable  judgment  it  is 
decreed  that  he  should  prevail  at  last 
after  comparative  failure  with  plays 
whose  merits,  if  not  so  immediately 
arresting,  were  just  as  sound.  For 
myself  I  could  have  wished  that  he 
had  allowed  us  a  little  longer  time  in 
India,  for  he  has  a  nice  taste  in  exotic 
solouring,  and  there  was  an  intriguing 
juality  in  the  scene  and  circumstance 
of  the  First  Act  that  was  never  quite 
recovered  in  the  more  familiar  atmos- 
phere of  the  Sussex  Downs. 

0.  S. 


Extract  from  your  daily  breakfast 
budget  (that  portion  of  it  which  gives 
you  a  resum&  of  all  the  delightful 
things  to  be  found  in  the  new  edition 
of  the  immortal  work)  : — 

"Volume  20:  'Ode' to  '  Payment  of  Members' ; 
lr'20  pages,  21  plates  and  maps." 

The  poet    seems    to    have   done    full 
justice  to  his  subject. 


FEBRUARY  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE    LONDON   CIIARIVAIM. 


1 26 


gn  CuJtimer  (•etio  is  trying  a  "yjrjs  w.lh  i.m  karntn;.  "  FOR  ME  HE  :s  NOT.     HE  GALLOPS  NOT  ENOUGH." 
Df.aler    "Hs's  A  VERT  soos  HUNTEII,  THOCTOH,  ISN'T  HE?" 

Fartlqv.r.      '  FOR    THIS   CHASE   OF  THE    RABBIT    HE   WILL   DD,   BDT    FOR   THE    FOX    CHASE    HE    IS    NOT." 


CALENDAR    COMFORT. 

WORTLEBURY  arrived  at  the  office  at 
a  quarter  tc  eleven,  yawning.  He  lit 
a  cigarette,  glanced  through  The  Times. 
and  just  as  the  rest  of  us  were  turning 
our  thoughts  towards  lunch  he  took  off  j 
his  hat  and  gloves  and  sat  down  at 
his  desk.  He  surveyed  the  books  and 
papers  with  disgust,  picked  up  a  pen 
and  nibbled  it,  and  then  unhung  from 
the  wall  a  calendar  which  proclaimed 
January  9,  1911,  and  that  kind  hearts 
are  more  than  coronets. 

"What's  to-day?"  he  asked,  idly 
fingering  the  calendar. 

"Tuesday  —  nearly  Wednesday."  I 
replied.  Wortlebury  turned  it  over  in 
his  mind.  "  I  mean  the  date."  he  said, 
almost  crossly.  Somebody  handed  him 
a  piece  of  paper  and  a  pencil,  and 
remarking  that  yesterday  was  the  6th 
sted  that  he  might  work  out  the 
problem  ,  it  would  give  him  something 
to  do  to  keep  him  quiet  Wortlebury 
tore  oil  a  bunch  of  leaves  from  the 
lar  until  ho  arrived  at  February  7. 
Then  he  started  ;  it  seemed  to  me  that 
he  even  blenched. 

"Great  Heavens  I "  ho  exclaimed, 
and  plunging  his  pen  deep  into  the  ink 
he  bent  his  broad  shoulders  to  the  task 


of  writing  on  one  of  the  papers  on  his 
desk 

"  Behold  I  Wortlebury  has  beguc 
the  year's  toil,"  said  Pillingtoc 

Wortlebury  worked  on  as  one  pos- 
sessed. Now  and  again  he  glanced 
timidly  at  the  calendar,  only  to  renew 
his  labours  with  increased  vigour  Es 
waved  aside  suggestions  for  lunch  Ee 
was  not  yet  ready,  he  said  Ee  would 
be  taking  only  twenty  minutes.  Some 
people,  he  added,  appeared  to  be  ob- 
livious of  the  passing  of  time  Were 
we  conscious  of  the  fact  that  37  days 
of  the  year  had  already  passed  '  The 
precious  moments  were  flying  He 
assured  us  that  we  did  not  live  in  this 
world  for  ever  Between  ourselves  he 
informed  us,  the  announcement  on  the 
calendar  had  shocked  hire  and  made 
him  ashamed  Ho  intended  tc  take 
only  6fteen  minutes  for  h;s  lunch — 
twenty  at  the  outside 

When  we  returned,  Wortlebury  was 
out  He  lounged  in  at  twenty  past 
three,  and  stood  in  front  of  the  tire 
telling  us  a  story  he  had  just  heard  in 
Bond  Street 

"  Yes,  but  what  about  the  precious 
moments?"  1  asked. 

"  Well,"  replied  Wortlebury,  "every 
cloud  has  a  silver  lining  and  all  that 


sort  of  thing,  and,  do  you  know,  it 
quite  escaped  my  notice  until  you  'd 
gone  that  the  calendar  also  says  '  327 
days  to  come.'  So —  '  He  yawned 
twice,  and  began  to  turn  the  pages  of 
a  magazine,  humming  the  while  an 
air  from  The  Chocolate  Soldier. 


Commercial  Candour. 
From  the  advertisement  of  a  cure: — 

"H and   Rheumatism. 

The  names  are  synonymous.' 


"  A  iady  (through  circumstances)  wishes  to 
let  part  of  her  well -furnished  boiiK." — 4iitt.  t» 
' '  Da.\ly  Ttiegrapk. " 
She  will  live  it  down. 


From  a  circular  : — 

"  We  snould  be  glad  if  we  could  interest  you 
in  •  new  non-creaking  "S.lent  Tread"  Boot 
which  we  have  just  placed  on  the  market, 
specially  designed  to  meet  the  requirement*  of 
schoolmasters." 

But   this    is    DO    good    at   all    against 
judiciously  placed  walnut  shells. 

"It.  Linrunt  beat  the  flying  half- mile  motor- 
car iccord  in  the  60-h.p.  c.ass  at  lirooklandi 
vibterday  by  covciinu'  the  distance  at  the  rate 
o!  109,051  miles  an  hour." 

Manchester  Ertn  ng  Kewt. 

Ten  years  ago  one  would  have  thought 
this  rather  wonderful. 


12G 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVABI.  [FEBRUARY  15,  1911. 


war    s 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE 

(JJy  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
IP  it  should  come  to  pass,  after  all,  that  the 
averted  and  we  are  able  to  regard  the  German  once  mo  e 
as  a  man  and  a  brother,  then  I  hope  somebody  will  have 
the  gratitude  to  start  a  lAiblic  testimonial  to  Mrs.  ALFRED 
SIDGWICK,  in  recognition  of  her  contributions  to  this  most 
desirable  end.  I  know  of  hardly  any  other  author  who  can 
write  about  Germany  and  its  people  with  so  pleasant  and 
engaging  a  touch.  What  has  provoked  this  reflection  is  a 
vofume  of  reprinted  stories  and  sketches,  with  the  candid 
and  appropriate  title  of  Odd  Come  Shorts  (MILLS  AND 
BOON),  because  in  it  cccurs  a  trifling  but  delightful  dialogue 

one   of  a  number  grouped  together   as  "  The  Opinions 

of  Angela" — which,  properly  read,  ought  in  itself  to  bring 
about  an  international  understanding.  All  "  The  Opinions 
of  Angela,"  indeed,  are  wholly  entertaining ;  though  I 
think  Mrs.  SIDGWICK  was  in  some  uncertainty  whether  to 
mike  her  heroine  an  absolute  fool,  or  not.  The  Angela 


Tcss  of  the  D'  Urbervillcs,  but  in  any  case  her  subsequent 
punishment  is  quite  sufficient  to  satisfy  the  moralist.  The 
chief  faults  that  I  have  to  find  witli  A  Large  Boom  are 
that  it  is  so  difficult  to  get  into  (Mrs.  DUDENET'S  style 
being  best  described  as  a  series  of  spasms),  and  that,  when 
you  do  get  there,  there  is  not  a  single  nice  person  barring 
Ama.i'0,  inside  it. 


In  My  Life's  Pilyrinuuje  (JoHN  MUHKAY)  Mr. 
modestly  tells  a  story  of  strenuous  effort  successful  against 
disadvantages  that  by  less  courageous  spiri;s  would  have 
besn  regarded  as  insuperable.  Without  patronage,  social 
standing  or  generous  education,  he  rose  from  the  printing 
office  to  the  Editor's  Chair.  Though  his  paper  was 
a  weekly  one,  hampered  by  conditions  that  limit  sale 
on  Sundays,  he  lived  to  see  it  reach  a  circulation  ex 
ceeding  a  million.  Full  of  ideas  and  energy,  dowered  by 
sympathetic  proprietors  with  a  fat  purse,  he  sought  for 
contributors  of  special  articles  amongst  a  class  not  at  that 
time  accustomsd  to  be  approached  by  editors.  Amon',' 


who  recounts  her  experiences  at  a  bargain  sale  seems  a  very  others  he  caught  Mr  f IT-ADSTONE  wit  h  a  lordly  bribe  of  £100 
different  person  from 
the  Anyela  who 
speiks  so  sanely 
about  a  holiday  hunt 
for  "the  real 
Germany."  Still, 
this  may  really  be 
only  another  proof 
of  the  author's  in- 
sight into  feminine 
character.  Wise  or 
foolish,  however, 
Angela  furnishes 
decidedly  the  most 
attractive  part  of  a 
book  which  is  worth 
reading  throughout ; 
even  though  the 
three  stories  that 
compose  the  first 
half  are  obviously 
only  clever  pot- 
boilers. 


Kiiiyht  (who  JIMS  recently  encountered  a  wizard).     "  IT  GRIEVES  ME  Mi'Cii,  FAIR  LADY, 

BUT  I   FBAR   I   CANNOT  ASSIST  YOU   UNTIL   I  AM   RELIEVED   OF  THIS   BACKWARD   SPELL." 


When  all  the 
heroines  of  romance 
are  summoned  before  the  bar  of  a  shadowy  Aeacus  to 
account  for  their  delinquencies  (and  they  have  been  so 
very  incautious,  some  of  them)  a  favourite  excuse  will  be, 
I  should  think,  to  throw  the  blame  on  their  sponsors,  and 
ask,  Well,  what  could  you  expect  of  anyone  with  a  name 
like  this  ?  Amaza  Mceks  is  the  label  which  Mrs.  HENRY 
DUDKNEY  has  attached  to  the  principal  figure  in  A  Large 
Room  (HEINEMANN),  and  even  without  red  hair  and  the  most 
remarkable  combination  of  mental  agility  and  practical 
innocence  to  which  I  have  ever  been  introduced  a  girl  so 
styled  would  have  been  hounded  on  to  eccentricity.  An 
orphan,  and  deserted  for  the  time  by  an  unsympathetic 
stepmother  and  sisters,  Amaza,  who  had  never  even  been 
to  a  theatre  or  restaurant  in  her  life,  fell  in  with  Sir  Walter 
Wintle  (you  won't  believe  it,  but  she  was  bending  down 
to  look  at  the  stars  in  street  puddles  at  the  time),  and  the 
lively  hatred  with  which  the  authoress  has  succeeded  in 
inspiring  me  for  this  well-preserved  roue  is  some  testimony 
to  the  merits  of  her  story.  Indeed  you  can't  help  liking 
Amaza  and  sympathising  profoundly  with  her,  even  though 
she  didn't  say  a  word  to  the  man  whom  she  married  after- 
wards about  this  part  of  her  life.  Perhaps  she  had  read 


reminiscences   he  could  present 
had  prepared  and  preserved  notes  ! 


the  fee  of  an  article 
not  in  length  exceed- 
ing the  ordinary 
leader.  Mr.  CATLING 
enjoyed  exceptional 
opportunity  of  re- 
cording phases  of 
thegrowthof  British 
Journalism  during 
the  last  half-century. 
He  has  made  the 
most  of  his  oppor- 
tunity. Not  the 
least  interesting 
chapter  in  his  portly 
volume  is  the  Intro- 
duction, contributed 
by  that  other  repre 
sentative  journalist, 
past  master  of  his 
art,  Lord  BURNHAM. 
He  was  at  work  in 
Fleet  Street  before 
Mr.  CATLING  drifted 
on  to  the  scene. 
What  a  book  of 
to  an  eager  public  if  he 
Perhaps  he  has. 


I  beg  Miss  EOSAMOND  NAPIER  not  to  interrupt  her  next 
story  by  outbursts  of  quotation  from  various  poets,  and 
also  suggest  to  her  that  if  nicknames  are  ever  amusing 
their  constant  repetition  is  more  than  likely  to  become  a 
weariness.  The  Serocolds  were'  not  silly  people,  but  I 
cannot  imagine  anything  more  provoking  than  the  way  in 
which  they  addressed  each  other.  So  far,  so  captious; 
for  the  rest  I  offer  the  warmest  congratulations  to  the 
author  of  The  Faithful  Failure  (DUCKWORTH).  In  the 
competition  between  Christopher  Serocold  and  Max  Chinoch 
for  the  love  of  Yoe  Hope  there  is  no  melodramatic  contrast, 
but  a  struggle  between  two  good  fellows,  one  of  whom 
adored  WAGNER  and  had  more  brains  than  health,  while 
the  other  sang  "  Boney  was  a  Warrior  "  at  the  top  of  his 
voice  and  had  more  health  than  brains.  In  this  book 
Miss  NAPIER  shows  a  real  appreciation  of  the  influence  of 
Nature  upon  character,  and  I  feel  that  she  has  a  most 
distinct  and  curious  talent  which  at  present  is  partially 
hidden  under  a  thin  but  irritating  napkin. 


FEBRUARY  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


127 


CHARIVARIA. 

We  are  now  asked  by  the  (!o\ 
ment     to    ratify    (lie    DeetanUMO     of 

nili  n  in  the  inl<!r>  -Is  of  I  In-  de- 
velopment of  the  principles  of  inU-r- 
national  agreement.  It  is  feared  that 
no  nation  will  ever  try  to  come  to  a 

OeaMe  a  nan .nement  witli  us  again  if 
we  should  show  a  <li  t'Tinination  not  to 
L;ive  away  our  rights. 

. 

"  It  is  not  the  business  of  a  Eadical 
to  be  satisfied, "  cays  Mr.  PICKEHSGIT.L, 
M.P.  "If  he  is  satisfied  he  ceases  in 
l)e  a  Radical."  He  has,  in  short, 
become  a  Minister. 

Mr.  As^iriTH  has  denounced  Tariff 
Reform  as  "the  greatest  imposture." 
The  J'uKMiF.it's  definition  of  an  "im- 
postor "  is  evidently  "  one  who  would 
place  an  impost  on  foreign  goods." 

Two  Suffragettes  have  printed  the 
words,  "Votes  for  Women  this  Session," 
in  ink  on  Mr.  AsyriTH's  doorstep.  As 
the  ink  is  indelible  it  is  thought  that 
the  PHEMIKB  will  now  have  to  give  way. 

Out  of  a  total  strength  of  257,337 
non-commissioned  officers  and  men  in 
the  Territorial  Army,  83,088  are  under 
twenty  years  of  age.  This  will  account 
for  Mr.  HAI.DANE'S  leference  to  them 

the  other  day  as  "  my  children." 

•-:-.   -.;': 

We  understand  that  one  of  the 
principal  difficulties  in  adopting  the 
proposal  for  an  artistic  decoration 
scheme  for  the  Coronation  route  is  the 
fear  that  the  famous  cream-colom 
horses  might  shy  at  the  unfamiliai 
spectacle.  ...  * 

\Ve  cannot  help  thinking  that  Miss, 
MAKIK  CORELLI  is  ill-advised  in  hei 
decision  to  become  a  playwright.  We 
consider  that  she  should  have  restec 
satisfied  with  the  thought  that  the 
other  literary  genius  connected  with 
Stratford  could  never  hare  written 

her  novels.  #  * 

* 

It  is  announced  that  the  Piovincia 
Legislature  of  Prince  Kdward's  Island 
will    siicntly   repaal   the    present    law 
which  prohibits  the  running  of  motor 
vehicles  on  public  roads.     But  why  be 
in  such  a  desperate  hurry?     Wait 
bit    longer,    and    motor-cars    may   be 
superseded  by  flying-machines. 
**.* 

The   London    traffic  branch  of    tht 
Board  of  Trade  recommends  the  con 
struction   of    100  miles  of   new  roads 
leading     out     of      and      around      the 
Metropolis.     This  should  greatly  as-,is 


OUR   BYE-ELECTION. 

CanJula'e.  "Bur,  'MY  GOOD  MAS,'  Ton  XUST  ADMIT  YOUR  SIDE  SETS  CLASS  AOAISST  ci ASS. 
Vuler.  "\VELL,    SI-EAKIX*   FOR    JIESELK,   I  DON'T  BELIEVE  is  THIS  'EKB  CLARSE-'AIBED. 

("Y,    I   OFTE.V  TOPS   IXTO   A    'SECOND'   WIV   ME   WOBKMAN'8  TICKET  I  " 


•\\"Y 


the  view  that  London  is  a  delightful 
place  to  live  out  of. 

"  Whistling  is  a  good  thing  for  the 
lungs,"  says  Science  Siftinys.  "  It  is 
said  that  whistling  boys  are  seldom 
troubled  with  bronchitis  and  pneu- 
monia." But  we  feel  sure  that  there 
must  be  some  punishment  for  them. 
*.  * 

\Ve  are  informed  that  the  production 
by  the  British  Empire  Shakespeare 
Society  of  Love's  Labour's  Lost  at  a 
moment  when  Canada  is  responding  to 
the  advances  of  the  United  States,  is  a 

pure  coincidence. 

*  * 

( 

A  correspondent  has  written  to 
The  Express  to  say  that  he  lost  his 


umbrella  on  a  recent  visit  to  Paris 
jthat  the  loss  was  mentioned  to  the 
Prefect  of  Police,  and  that,  within  a 
week,  the  umbrella  was  returned  to  its 
owner  in  London,  with  a  card  on 
which  was  printed  the  single  wore 
"  Lepine."  Frankly,  however,  we  con 
aider  that  M.  Lepine  ought  never  even 
to  have  borrowed  the  umbrella  without 
psrmission. 

==m^^== 

"  It  was  ac'.ever  go.il.  Hewitt,  after  smart  li 
manoeuvring  the  ball,  drove  a  sp'.endM  sl.ot 
obliquely  to  Whitlourn,  which  the  goalkc-epe 
ooulu  ouly  deflect  with  ontstret"hed  hinds,  am 
before  he  was  again  rcaJy  Wo  dhouse  ha< 
rushed  it  into  the  net  at  the  expiration  o 
sixteen  minutes." — Daily  Express. 

WOODHOUSE  ought  to  have  his  licenci 
endorsed  for  exceeding  the  speed  limit 


128 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [FEBBUABY  22,  1911. 


THE    PARROT    REVIVES. 

[It  is  now  contended  Unit,  if  the  new  Reciprocity  Agreement  between 
Canada  and  the  States  is  ratilied,  the  supply  of  Canad.an  wheat  avail- 
ai.le  for  British  coiiMimntiou  may  be  reduced,  111  whicli  case  our  i 
uo.ilj  ;o»t  us  more.] 

BIRD,  of  whom  last  week  I  stated 

Death  had  got  you  on  the  hip, 
Let  me  own  I  antedated 

His  inexorable  grip ; 
It  appoai-s  that  you  contracted  just  a  temporary  pip. 

Growing  daily  wan  and  wanner 

With  a  dull  insidious  pain — 
Once  regarded  as  a  goner 

You  are  now  yourself  again, 
Nay,  if  possible,  a  little  more  intelligibly  sane. 

Like  that  storied  fowl,  the  Phcenix, 

You  arise  superb  and  whole, 
Stamp  my  fingers  with  your  free  nicks 

When  I  pet  you  on  the  poll, 
Walk  your  perch  again  serenely  with  the  old  familiar  roll. 

Did  I  say  your  voice  had  faltered, 

Stricken  by  the  moulting  mange? 
Wrong  !  It  has  but  slightly  altered, 
Suffered  but  a  small  key-change 

Into  something  not  less  strident,  something  quite  as  rich 
and  strange. 

And  with  just  the  same  incision 

You  will  toll  us,  as  before, 
With  your  clear  prophetic  vision 

How  our  food  will  cost  us  more, 
Use,  indeed,  the  very  diction  of  the  days  of  dear  old  yore. 

Reciprocity  that  gave  your 

Blighted  feelings  such  a  blow 

Now  repairs  thb  rude  behaviour 

Which  so  nearly  laid  you  low, 

Lets    your  moutli   resume  its    metier,   and   restores   the 
status  quo. 

Yet,  though  still  your  voice  unbroken 

Keeps  its  patter,  word  for  word, 
You  must  "  cross  the  lloor  "  in  token 

That  your  faith  has  been  transferred ; 
You  have  shed  your  Free  Trade  plumage;  you  are  now 
a  Tory  bird  !  O.  S. 


AT   THE    SIGN    OF    THE    HARROW. 

A  PAPER  ON  THE  WOHKS  OF  Mns.  AMANDA  M.  Eos. 

(With  apilogies  to  t/u;  Cmulurlurs  of  "  At,  the  Sign,  (if  the  J'loitgh"  in 
"  The  CarnltiU  Miujnsine.") 

1.  (a)  Describe  the  ornament  belonging  to  Lady  Mattie 
Maynard   found   by   Lord   Gilford.     Auxiuitr:  "Composed 
of  every  colour  .  .  .  and  terminating  in  a  cat's  face  studded 
with  diamonds." 

(b)  State,  in  his  own  words,  how  ho  discovered  the 
precise  purpose  of  this  ornament.  Answer:  "  As  I  coiled 
it,  I  could  not  fail  seeing  the  word  'garter'  worked  in 
emeralds  about  its  centre." 

2.  How  may  we  infer  from  u  casual  remark  of  Lord 
Giflord's  that  he  had  his  doubts  as  to  his  cousin's  claim  to 
bo  addressed  as  "  Lady  "  Mattie?     Answer:  "  Lady  Mattie 
(Heaven  knows  who  died,  or  if  anyone  died  and  legacied  her 
the  title)." 

3.  What  clue  is  furnished  by  the  author  to  the  identity 


of  the  well-known  Dublin  Hotel  in  which  Delina  Delaney 
was  ushered,  with  Lord  Gifford,  by  "dim-wigged  footmen, 
bowing  before  him,"  into  "  the  elegance  of  a  large  drawing- 
room,  more  in  keeping  with  the  strides  of  royalty  than 
the  requirements  of  an  humble  maiden,"  where  "  a 
low  fire  burned  beyond  a  rug  of  horny  beauty"? 
Answer:  "That  famous  hotel  whose  Shell  burns  with  a 
raging  heat." 

4.  Who    "  instantly    picked    up   the    deeply    flavoured 
cigar  "  which  Lord  Gifford  "  cast  from  him,  when  nearing 
an  inch  or  so  of  its  death,"  in  "  Antrim's  busy  capital"? 
Answer:  "A  stout-lunged  newsboy  or  beggar  editor  of  a 
penny  birdie  weekly." 

5.  How    did    Lord    Gifford    "dress    himself    fully    in 
London's  proud   fashion?"     Answer:    By   "basking   his 
slender  extremities   in  velvet  slippers  with  heels  of   stiff 
crimson  morocco." 

6.  Give  some  description  of  the  sunset  witnessed  by  Lord 
Gifford  while  "  he  sipped  unaccompanied  by  the  merest 
edible."     Answer  :  "  Golden  plumes  and  arms  of  cloud,  that 
shone  like  stacks   of   fire  upon   the   western  rim   of  the 
horizon,  grew  grey  and  died  in  a  death-pail." 

7.  In  what  words  did  he  recognise  the  body  of  "  Miss 
Fontaine"  as  that  of  his  cousin?     Answer:  "O  God,  it  is 
true  !  This  is  my  cousin,  Lady  Mattie  Maynard !     She  had 
six  toes  on  her  right  foot !  " 

8.  How  did  Sir  John  Dunfem  behave  on    discovering 
that  his  wife  Irene  (nee  Iddesleigh)  had,  after  eloping  to 
America  with  her  "  noble  and   well-learned  tutor,"  Oscar 
Otwell,  gone  through  a  form  of  marriage  with  him  in  that 
country?     Answer :    "He  at  once  sent  for  his  solicitors, 
Messrs.  Hutchinson  and  Harper,  and  ordering  his  will. to 
be  produced,  demanded -there  and  then  that  the  pen   of 
persuasion  be  dipped  into  the  ink  of  revenge  and  spread 
thickly   along   the  paragraph  of  blood-related  charity  to 
blank  the  intolerable  words  that  referred  to  the  woman  he 
was  now  convinced,  beyond  doubt,  had  braved  the  bridge 
of  bigamy." 

9.  Did   Oscar    Otwell's   advertisement    in    the   leading 
journals  for  a  situation  meet  with  any  response?     Answer  : 
No.     "  It  was  treated  with  muffled  silence,   so   much    so 
that  after  a    month's  daily  appealing  to  a   praiseworthy 
public,  the  result  proved  a  decided  failure." 

10.  In  what  manner  did  Irene  betray  her  emotion  after 
reading  the  letter  Oscar  wrote  to  her  before  committing 
suicide?    Ansiver :  "Folding  the'letter,  and  handing  it  to 
the  officers  .  .  .  Mrs.   Otwell  quietly  moved  again  to  the 
breakfast-room,  and,  strange  to  say,  finished  her  meal  in 
silence." 

11.  "  The  wings  of  love  and  lasting  strength  Shall  flap 
above  his  hollow  bed."     On  whose  tomb  were  these  lines 
"  carefully  cut  in  gilded  letters"  ?     Answer:  "On  Sir  John 
Dunfern's." 

12.  In  what  terms  did  Sir  John  Dunfern's  son  and  heir, 
Sir  Hugh,  rebuke  his  erring  mother  ?     Answer:   "Woman 
of  sin  and  stray  companion  of  tutorisin." 

In  the  opinion  of  Mr.  Punch  the  best  sets  of  answers 
were  received  from  Mrs.  Harris,  c/o  Mrs.  S.  Gamp, 
Kingsgate  Street,  High  Holborn,  and  —  Brooks,  Esq.  (of 
Sheffield).  A  cheque  for  one  thousand  guineas  has  been 
sent  to  each  of  these  competitors.  F.  A. 


"Upon  the  point  of  elasticity,  the  explanations  forthcoming  were 
most  convincing,  for  it  was  clearly  shown  to  the  satisfaction  of  prac- 
tically all  the  members  present  that  by  embedding  steel  in  concrete 
the  elasticity  of  the  concrete  was  increased  ten  times,  although,  of 
course,  concrete  had,  of  itself,  no  elast.city." — Clev^doii  Mercury. 

Ten  times  nothing  is  nothing.     Most  convincing. 


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FBBBCARY  £2,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


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SLEEPING   SICKNESS   IN    ESSEX. 

("At  a  meet  of  the  Essex  Foxhounds  at  Ongar,  Mr.  CECIL  EDIE  was  in  the  act  of  mounting  his  horse  when  it  rolled  over  on  him  and 
broke  his  leg.     It  is  believed  the  horse  was  asleep." — Daily  Mirror.) 

MR.  PUNCH'S  HTNTIXO   CORRESPONDENT,  BEINO  UNFORTUNATELY  UNARM-;  TO  INVESTIGATE  TUB  MATTER  ON  THE  SPOT    MENDS  A 
SKETCH  OF  WHAT  HE  IMAGINES  A  MEET  OF  THE  K.SSEX  HOUNDS  NAY  BE  I.IKE. 


SEEN    IN    THE    SHOPS. 

[Why  are  all  the  Articles  on  Shopping  written 
by  women  for  women  1  Let  's  hive  one  for  men 
too,  written  by  a  mail.] 

TUKBOT  AND  GLADSTONE'S. 

AT  Turbot  and  Gladstone's  13  a  fine 
display  of  smoking  materials.    Tobacco 
not  only  in  the  ounce  but  the  pound  ; 
cigarettes  of  various  sixes  and  names; 
some  very  fanciful  pipes  of  briar  and 
meerschaum;  pouches,  and  all  the  other 
necessaries  of  the  smoker's  life.    Inside  ! 
I  found  that  the  promise  of  the  window  j 
was  fulfilled,  an  even  greater  profusion 
of  the   divine   weed  and   its  adjuncts  ] 
being    visible.       I   was    fortunate    in 
securing  a   box  of  excellent   matches 
before  they  could   be  snapped  up  by 
anyone  else,  while  in  exchange  for  six- 
pence 1  obtained   no   fewer  than  four 
really  remarkable  cigars,  highly  finished 
and  rolled  in  a  way  that  reminded  me 
of  a  St.  James's  Street  umbrella. 
AT  VICTORIA  STATION. 

Looking  in  at  the  first-class  booking- 
office  at  Victoria  (close  to  Gorringe's)  [ 
was  struck  by  the  profusion  of  tickets 


to  be  obtained  there  at  all  prices  from 
threepence  upwards.  After  a  long 
consideration  I  selected  a  white  one 
for  Brighton  and  back,  which  cost  me 
ten  shillings,  but  was  well  worth  the 
money.  I  was  amused  by  an  old 
gentleman  next  to  me,  who  preferred  a 
very  crude  green  article  for  Portsmouth ; 
but  a  nice  sense  of  colour  is,  of  course, 
one  of  the  rarest  of  gifts. 
IN  TAILOR  LAND. 

No  one  passing  down  Savile  Row 
can  fail  to  be  favouiahly  impressed  by 
the  windows  of  the  numerous  tailors. 
The  delicate-mtshed  blinds,  through 
which  nothing  can  be  seen  from  with- 
out <>,nd  everything  from  within,  lend  to 
this  thoroughfare  a  sobriety  that  makes 
it  a  curious  contrast  with,  say,  Oxford 
Street.  .  The  trained  male  mind  is, 
however,  aware  that  on  the  other  side 
of  these  obstacles  are  a  great  store  of 
trousering  material,  suitable  not  only 
for  home  but  abroad,  not  only  for  winter 
but  summer,  which  busy  hands  are  only 
too  ready  to  convert  into  garments  for 
the  covering  of  the  masculine  log.  Here 
also  are  coats  and  vests  and  overcoats 


and  jackets  similarly  in  embryo.  Let 
no  one,  therefore,  neglect  Savile  Row 
and  its  neighbourhood. 

THE  MONOPOLE  SALOON. 

For  anyone  who  likes  wines  and 
spirits  I  can  cordially  recommend  the 
saloon  lounge  at  the  Monopole,  where 
a  le  narkable  assortment  is  kept,  and 
in  all  shades,  from  the  ghostly  pallor  of 
unsweetened  gin  to  the  purple  richness 
of  old  port.  After  trying  a  considerable 
number  1  came  to  the  conclusion  that 
the  faint  yellow  of  the  champagne  shot 
with  gay  sparkles  was  one  of  the  most 
satisfactory  hues.  At  an  American  bar 
are  a  number  of  mixed  beverages  with 
quaint  and  perplexing  names,  all  of 
which  are  worth  attention.  I  pur- 
chased some  few  shillings'  worth 
before  a  sudden  dizziness  brought  my 
day's  shopping  to  a  close. 

"Wauled,  velvet  stole  and  mufl,  feather  and 
fur  sets  ditto,  small  gas  stove,  R.C.  Church 
Service  and  rosary,  beaver  toque." — Adet.  in 
"The  Lady." 

There  are  still  one  or  two  other  things 
she  wants  before  she  can  set  up  house. 


132 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  22,  1911. 


THE   STAFF    OF    LIFE. 

MRS.  JEREMY'S  (Vice  grew  more  and 
more  startled  as  she  read  the  indict- 
ment to  herself  at  breakfast.  She 
cast  a  glance  of  loathing  at  the  innocent 
piece  of  bread  in  front  of  her,  shuddered 
and  pushed  the  plate  away. 

"  Dear,"  she  said  earnestly,  looking 
up  from  her  paper,  "  we  must  get 
some  Standard  Bread  in  at  once." 

"  Bread,"  said  Jeremy,  looking  up 
from  his.  "Certainly,  dear."  He 
pulled  the  board  towards  him  and  cut 
a  large  slice.  "  Your  bread,"  he 
remarked,  and  held  it  out  to  her. 

She  looked  up  again  in  surprise  and, 
seeing  the  bread,  shrieked. 

"  I  didn't  ask  for  it,  Jeremy.  In 
fact  I  simply  daren't  touch  it  now. 
Doesn't  it  say  anything  about  it  in 
your  paper?  " 

"  What  'a  the  matter  with  it?  "  said 
Jeremy,  taking  an  immense  bite.  "  It 's 
ordinary  bread." 

"  It 's  Poison." 

"  Then  I  think  you  might  have  said 
so  before.  I  've  been  eating  it  steadily 
for  half-an-hour."  He  got  up  with 
dignity  and  stood  in  front  of  the  fire. 
"  At  least  you  could  have  saved  me 
that  last  bite.  Doctors  will  tell  you 
that  it  is  always  the  last  bite  which  is 
fatal.  We'd  better  have  Baby  down. 
She  might  like  to  say  good-bye  to  me." 

"Don't  be  absurd.  It  can't  really 
be  as  bad  as  that.  Only  haven't  you 
noticed  anything  about  the  bread  ?  I 
can't  bear  it.  It  suddenly  seems  horrid 
to  me." 

"  What  is  there  to  notice  in  bread  ? 
I  always  notice  if  I  haven't  got  any, 
and  sometimes  I  notice  if  you  haven't 
got  any,  but — 

"  Well,  there 's  too  much  starch  in  it, 
the  paper  says." 

"That  accounts  for  it,"  said  Jeremy, 
feeling  a  piece.  "  I  thought  it  was 
simply  stale.  Well,  tell  them  not  to 
put  so  much  in  next  week." 

"  There  isn't  going  to  be  a  next 
week.  We  're  going  to  start  Standard 
Bread  to-day.  You  're  going  out  on 
your  bicycle  to  buy  some.  You  '11  have 
to  go  to  Hillborough — they  '11  never 
have  it  in  the  village." 

Jeremy  prowled  round  the  room  in 
search  of  his  tobacco,  found  it,  filled 
his  pipe,  and  returned  to  the  hearth- 
rug. 

"  What  is  Standard  Bread  ? "  he 
asked  between  puffs. 

"  You  won't  ask  when  you've  once 
eaten  it.  It  does  you  twice  as  much 
good  as  this  stuff.  I  'm  lonein<j  to  try 
it." 

"But  how  is  it  different  from  this 
stuff?" 

"  It   contains,"  said   his   wife,   who 


knew  ij;  by  luart  now,  "  at  least  eighty 
per  cent,  of  the  whole  wheat,  including 
the  germ  and  the  semolina." 

"  Including  ivhnt  ?  "  said  Jeremj 
sharply. 

"  The  germ  and  the  semolina." 
"  Oh  !  "     Ho  paused  for  a  moment. 
"  I  'm  not  at  all  sure  that  I  like  germs,' 
he  announced. 

"These  aren't  those  germs,  dear,' 
said  Mrs.  Jeremy  soothingly.  "  These 
won't  hurt  you  at  all." 

"  I  don't  see  how  you  know  that. 
Besides,  it 's  very  easy  to  make  a 
mistake  with  germs.  They  're  tricky 
little  things,  I  can  tell  you.  The 
baker  may  think  he  's  putting  in  quite 
a  harmless  one,  a  slight  cold  or  some- 
thing of  that  sort,  and  then,  just  while 
he  's  turning  round  for  the  semolina, 
in  hops  a  diphtheria  germ  looking  as 
innocent  as  you  please.  And,  anyhow, 
that  reminds  me — I  loathe  semolina. 
We  've  been  married  two  years,  and 
you  ought  to  know  that  I  always 
refuse  semolina." 

Mrs.  Jeremy  walked  over  and  patted 
his  head  gently. 

"  We  '11  just  try  a  loaf,  and  if  you 
don't  like  it " 

"  If  I  don't  like  it  I  shall  live  en- 
tirely on  nuts.  You  've  unnerved  me. 
I  've  been  eating  bread— except  for  a 
few  months  at  the  start — for  nearly 
thirty  years,  and  now  you  tell  me 
suddenly  that  it 's  poison ;  and  that 
unless  I  include  eighty  germs  and  the 
whole  of  the  semolina " 

"  There,  there,  get  on  your  bicycle  like 
a  good  boy  and  go  into  Hillborough. 
I  know  Cobb  won't  have  it  here." 

Jeremy  grumbled,  jumped  on  to  his 
bicycle  and  rode  off.  Having  arrived 
at  the  baker's  he  walked  firmly  in  and 
gave  his  order. 

"I  want," he  said,  " a  loaf  of  Standard 
Bread." 

"  Standard  bread,  Sir  ?  " 

"  Yes.  There  's  a  lot  about  it  in  one 
of  the  papers.  The  Standard,  I  suppose. 
It 's  a  new  loaf  that  they  've  invented." 

"  We  never  see  the  papers,  'cept  a 
Sunday." 

"  To-day  's  Wednesday— that 's  awk- 
ward. We  can't  wait.  But,  after  all, 
you  're  a  baker ;  you  oughtn't  to  want 
to  look  up  things  about  broad  in  papers. 
It 's  different  for  me." 

"What 'sit  like?" 

"  I  've  never  seen  any.  As  far  as  I 
am  informed  it 's  just  like  ordinary 
bread,  only  it  has  to  contain  eighty  per 
csnt.  of  something  which  I  have  just 
forgotten."  He  put  his  hand  to  his 
head  and  thought.  "  Wait— wait— it 's 
coming  back.  Microbe  and  tapioca 

.  .  microbe  and  tapioca  .         mi 

"  Whatever " 

"  No,  it  isn't  actually  that,  but  that 's 


what  I  remember  it  by.  Ah,  now  I  've 
got  it !  "  He  cleared  his  throat  im- 
pressively. "  It 's  got  to  include  the 
germ  and  the  semolina.  And  the  sem- 
olina, mind.  Now  does  that  convey 
anything  to  you  ?  " 

The  man  scratched  his  head  thought- 
fully. 

"  Maybe  I  'm  wrong  about  the 
paper  that  invented  it,"  said  Jeremy. 
"  Now  I  think  of  it  we  don't  take  in 
The  Standard.  My  wife  takes  in 
somebody's  Home  Dressmaker,  but  it 
wouldn't  be  that.  And  The  Times  still 
only  sells  hooks.  How  about  Black 
and  White  bread  ?  " 

The  man  scratched  his  head  again, 
pulled  down  a  dark  loaf  and  suggested 
it  hopefully. 

"  Well,"  said  Jeremy,  "  some  people 
might  call  it  merely  brown,  but  I 
suppose  it 's  near  enough.  Thank  you. 
I  '11  take  it  with  me.  I  've  got  a 
bicycle  outside." 

Mrs.  Jeremy  received  him  joyfully, 
but  her  face  fell  when  she  saw  the 
loaf. 

"Why,  that's  brown  bread,"  she 
cried. 

"  Only  where  it  fell  off  the  bicycle," 
said  Jeremy. 

"  And  inside  too,"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy, 
cutting  it  open.  "  Ordinary  brown 
bread." 

"That's  the  germ,"  said  Jeremy. 
"  They  're  all  brown  this  year.  Gre- 
garious little  beggars — just  like  sheep 
the  way  they  follow  each  other. 
Simply  no  individuality." 

"  I  wonder  if  brown  bread  is  all 
right."  She  broke  a  piece  off  and 
nibbled  at  it.  "  It  is  ordinary  brown 
Dread." 

"  Is  that  poison  too  ?  " 

"  I — I  don't  know." 

"  Then  let 's  ask  cook — she  knows 
everything  .  .  .  Oh,  cook,"  Jeremy 
went  on  bravely,  "  about  this  new 
;>read  we  're  all  talking  of  now '' 

"  I  was  just  going  to  ask  you,  mum," 
said  cook,  wiping  her  hands  on  her 
apron.  "Did  you  both  like  it  ?  Cobb 
sent  up  a  loaf  to-day — 

"  Darling,"  said  Jeremy  to  his  wife, 
as  he  put  his  arm  round  her  waist  and 
ed  her  to  the  baby's  cradle,  "  let  us  all 
sing  something  together.  Father  is 
not  poisoned.  He  lives.  The  family  is 
re-united  and  goes  on." 

"  I  kneiu  there  was  something  funny 
about  that  bread,"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy. 

The  baby  said  nothing — only  smiled 
A.  A.  M. 


,   19.      Good   shaver,    fair    hair- 
cutter." — Advl.  in  "Daily  Chronicle." 

3e  must  go  on  improving  until  he  can 
:ut  dark  hair. 


FEBRUARY  22.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


133 


THE  FALSE  STEP. 
SHE  was  rich.     She  was  beautiful 
She  was  charming.     She  liked  me. 

I  had  only  arrived  in  Swii/.erland  th 
day  hefore.     I  had  found  the  men  ii 
the  hotel  prostrate  at  her  feet.     I  ha< 
gazed  at  her  and  sighed  bitterly.     Wha1 
chance  had  I  ? 

Tliis  was  our  fourth  dance  together 
We  sut  it  out.  Not  even  the  angn 
stare  of  her  legitimate  partner  coulc 
mar  my  happiness,  any  more  than  th< 
merry  laugh  of  my  legitimate  partnc; 
could  ease  his  misery. 

We  had  known  each  other  but  a  fe\\ 
hours,  and  yet  already  we  spoke  of  the 
deep  things  of  life — of  the  tilings  which 
matter — and  not  of  the  floor,  the 
weather,  or  the  elusive  snow.  Wt 
spoke  of  our  inmost  personalities.  1 
told  her  of  my  hopes,  ambitions,  and 
ideals  (a  subject  on  which  I  have  inside 
information),  and  she,  in  return,  lifted 
the  veil  for  me  and  showed  me  her 
true  thoughts  and  laughed  scornfully 
at  the  mask  she  turned  to  other  men. 

"How  rarely  one  meets  a  fellow - 
cioature  with  whom  one  can  be  abso- 
lutely natural,"  she  said  pensively. 
"  How  nice  it  would  be  if  one  could 
always  speak  the  truth.  One  gets  so 
tired  of  the  daily  lie  and  common  sham." 

"Not  lies,"  I  protested.  "I  hate 
liars.  They  are  so  untrustworthy. 
You  are  a  woman  that  any  man  would 
trust  implicitly." 

" '  Lies '  is  a  strong  word,"  she 
laughed,  "  but,  apart  from  their  un- 
truthtulness,  they  may  at  times  be 
positive  virtues.  For  instance,  sup- 
posing a  man  were  to  hand  me  my 
coffee  two  seconds  ahead  of  the  cup. 
If  I  were  truthful  I  should  say, '  Miser- 
able reptile,  do  you  realise  that  coffee 
stains  detract  from  the  wearing  value 
of  blue  satin  ? '  As  it  is  I  say,  '  Oh, 
it  "s  only  an  old  skirt.  It  doesn't 
matter  a  bit,  thank  you.  Eun  along 
and  see  if  you  can  get  me  some  more 
coffee  before  it  all  goes.  Thanks  so 
much.'  " 

"  You  are  an  angel,"  I  murmured. 

"  No,  an  angel  would  wait  there  till 
he  arrived  with  that  second  cup,  but  I 
don't  I  I  never  run  unnecessary  risks. 
Also  I  carefully  avoid  him  in  future." 

"  Serve  him  right." 

"  Moreover,"  she  continued,  "  when 
angels  say,  '  Oh,  it  doesn't  matter  a 
bit,  thank  you,'  they  probably  mean  it. 
They  aren't  longing  to  scratch  the  man's 
eyes  out  all  the  time !  Isn't  that  the 
hand  ?  " 

"  May  I  have  another  dance  later  ?  " 
I  pleaded. 

She  glanced  at  her  programme.  "  I  '11 
give  you  the  one  after  this.^  Au  revoir." 

I   watched    her    as  I  waltzed,   and 


Customer  (wanting  change  for  a  sovereign  and  finding  the  bar-tender  short  of  cash,  to  fellow- 
customer).     "OAK  YOU  OBLIGE  ME,  SIR?" 

Tragedian  ("resting").    "No,  SIR,   I  REGRET  I  CANNOT;    BUT,   AT  THE  SAME  TIME,   I 

THANK   YOU   FOR   THE   COMPLIMENT." 


thought  rapturously  of  my  next  dance. 
I  knew  not  whether  I  revolved  on  my 
head  or  my  heels  or  my  partner's  toes. 
What  mattered  this  dance!  It  but 
filled  in  the  time  till  I  should  be  with 
her  again.  Slowly  we  caught  them  up. 
Heavens !  what  a  neck ! — and  was 
there  ever  such  shimmering  wavy  hair  ? 

Sc-r-r-r-r-r-rch ! 

She  stopped  to  gather  the  torn  skirt 
in  her  left  hand  and  then  turned  to- 
wards me.  "  It  doesn't  matter  a  bit, 
thanks,"  she  said. 

I  sought  her  for  the  next  dance,  but 
she  was  sitting  with  her  legitimate 
partner.  "  Yes,  the  floor  is  lovely,  isn't 
it  ?  "  she  was  saying.  "  I  wonder  if  we 
are  ever  going  to  get  any  snow." 


"  FOR  SALE.  Grey  Flea-bit  ten  gelding.  Apply 
to  D.  E.  Kcatinge."— Pioneer. 

The  right  man  in  the  right  place. 


MISPLACED. 

A  'BUS  conductor  I  have  met 
Is  ever  full  of  vain  regret. 

He  punches  tickets  very  well 
And  sounds  a  husky  little  belL 

He  really  is  extremely  nice  ; 
I  don't  suppose  he  has  a  vice. 

He  "s  never  rude  or  rough  or  snappy, 
And  yet  somehow  he  looks  unhappy. 

His  secret  is,  it  would  appear, 
An  uncongenial  career. 
In  early  youth  1  understand 
He  wanted  to  conduct  a  band ; 

Instead  of  whioh — 'tis  ever  thus — 
He  now  conducts  a  motor  'bus. 


His  Second  Time  on  Earth. 

"Personally  I  'd  rather  be  born  poor  than  a 
millionaire,  and  I  have  some  cx[iericnce  in 
both  directions." — Mr.  Andrew  Carnegie. 


134 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  22,  1911. 


THE   DEGENERACY  OF  BOYS. 

MY  morning  paper  recently  informed  mo  that  "Mr. 
Chiirles  Thcllusson  yesterday  presented  to  the,  museum  of 
;i  new  school  at  Woodlands,  near  Doncastor,  a  birch 
which,  ho  explained,  he  stole  when  he  was  a  hoy  at  Eton." 
Something  might  be  said  as  to  Mr.  Thellusson's  position 
before  the  law.  Xullum  tempns  occur rit  regi,  and  it  is 
possible  that  the  governing  body  of  Eton  might,  if  they 
cared,  institute  a  successful  prosecution  against  Mr. 
Thellusson  for  the  dashing  offence  he  committed,  let  us 
say,  some  thirty  years  ago.  They  might  also,  perhaps, 
recover  the  dreadful  trophy  from  the  museum  of  Wood- 
lands School  by  means  of  a  civil  action — hut  I  don't 
suppose  they  will  trouble  themselves  in  either  case. 


What  startles  me,  however,  about  this  announcement  is 
not  so  much  the  confession  of  Mr.  Thellusson  as  the 
implication  that  a  birch  is  now  fit  only  for  a  museum — 
that,  in  short,  the  manners  of  our  boys  are  now  so  mild 
that  birches  are  not  required  for  their  traditional  purpose, 
but  may  be  placed  in  a  glass  case  and  reserved  for  the 
inspection  and  wonder  of  the  curious,  together  with  the 
headsman's  axe  and  the  thumbscrews  and  the  rack — 
instruments  rendered  useless  by  the  refinement  of  the 
age  in  which  we  are  fortunate  enough  to  live.  Has  the 
birch  come  to  this  ?  I  wonder. 


But  even  if  it  were  proved  that  the  birch  is  still,  if  I  may 
say  so,  in  full  swish  all  over  the  land  wherever  sound 
knowledge  is  laboriously  driven  into  the  heads  of 
young  males  we  should  not  be  able  to  stop  the  lamenta- 
tions of  boisterous  and  patriotic  old  gentlemen,  who  are 
always  ready  to  "  tell  you  what,  Sir,  the  Country  is  going 
to  the  dogs,  Sir.  They  don't  flog  boys  now,  Sir,  as  you 
and  I  used  to  be  flogged.  And  what 's  the  result,  Sir  ? 
I  '11  tell  you,  Sir :  a  miserable  lot  of  molly-coddles,  Sir. 
No  manliness  in  the  whole  lot  of  'em.  Girls,  Sir,  that 's 
what  they  're  being  turned  into.  Don't  talk  to  me  about 
brains,  Sir.  Give  me  a  boy  who  can  take  a  flogging,  Sir. 
You  and  I,  Sir,  didn't  bother  about  brains,  and  we  've  not 
done  so  badly — hey  ?  "  And  thereupon  he  will  proceed  to 
wonder  why  the  Yankees  and  the  Germans  are  getting 
ahead  of  us  everywhere,  and  will  say  some  very  severe 
things  about  Free  Trade. 

For  my  part  I  am  convinced  that  the  soaring  human 
boy  is  at  this  moment  much  the  same  sort  of  jolly  little 
barbarian  as  he  has  always  been.  Probably  he  is  better 
cared  for  and  better  fed  than  he  used  to  he,  but  he  still 
uses  catapults,  inks  his  fingers,  spoils  his  clothes  and 
provides  temporary  resting-places  for  the  birch  in  the  old 
traditional  fashion.  I  have  not  yet  come  across  the  fork 
with  which  you  can  drive  his  nature  out  of  him.  Modern 
schoolmasters  may  take  his  temperature,  but  they  can't 
prevent  him  taking  tips  or,  in  fact,  any  sort  of  present  that 
may  be  offered  to  him  ;  and  it  still  takes  wild  horses  to 
drag  him  to  the  point  of  expressing  his  gratitude  for  gifts 
in  writing.  "My  dear  Aunt,"  wrote  one  little  fellow, 
'thanks  awfully  (blot)  for  the  beautiful  present  it  is  just 
what  I  wanted  we  have  had  a  joly  Chrismas  except  for 
the  beastly  letter  writing  with  love  from  Herbert." 

This  was  a  hoy  aged  ten.  At  an  age  slightly  more 
advanced  the  distaste  for  pen  and  in'x  begins  to  be 
modified.  Here  is  a  letter  from  a  boy  of  fourteen,  describing 
his  first  day's  shooting : — My  dear  Grandpa,  you  may  like 
to  know  how  I  've  been  getting  on  with  my  shooting,  well 
the  first  day  I  didn't  get  a  shot  though  I  tramped  through 


turnips  all  the  morning.  On  Tuesday  I  went  oat  again  I 
and  wo  soon  put  up  a  covey  of  15,  I  lost  my  h-nd 
i  completely  and  loosed  off  both  barrels  at  once  about  ten  j 
1  yards  IHiind  the  last  bird,  we  picked  them  up  again  3 
minutes  later  and  having  taken  aim  till  it  was  out  ol  range 
I  hurt  my  finger  in  trying  to  pull  the  trigger  when  it  was 
half  cocked.  Then  wo  came  on  to  birds  again  and  I 
dropped  the  bird  behind  the  one  I  was  aiming  at,  but  live 
minutes  after  I  dropped  another  by  a  much  better  shot, 
afterwards  I  got  two  more  and  returned  home  carrying 
two  brace  by  a  string  round  their  necks."  For  a  sporting 
frankness  which  extenuates  nothing  this  letter  cannot  be 
beaten.  There  isn't  a  word  abo'ut  the  cartridge  hanging 
firo  or  the  sun  being  in  the  shooter's  eyes. 

Here  finally  is  a  Homeric  letter  written  by  an 
English  boy  in  the  French  language  from  an  English 
School,  and  addressed  to  the  French  governess  of  some 
little  girl-friends: — Ghere  Mademoiselle,  j'espere  que  vous 
vous  portez  bien.  Excusez  moi  de  ne  pas  avoir  mit  votre 
nom  sur  1'envelope  ear  je  ne  le  sais  pas.  Aujourdhui  un 
de  nos  garcons  qui  avait  16  ans  ma  enuyer  un  peut  de 
'  trop  alor  je  lui  aie  dit  venez  vous  battre  avec  moi,  mais  il  ; 
etait  occupe.  Je  ne  pouvait  pas  lui  trouver  apres  ceci. 
Alor  a  la  fin  je  lui  ai  fait  deseendre  dans  le  Changing 
Boom.  II  y  avait  beaucoup  de  garcons  pour  nous  voir. 
Le  premier  tour  je  lui  ai  fait  saigner  la  machoire,  alor 
nous  nous  sommes  repo;6s  pour  quelques  minutes.  Tout 
les  garcons  orient  '  Depeche  tois  ca  sera  fini  en  quelques 
minutes,  mais  il  criait  '  ma  macheroire  me  fait  trop  mal.' 
Mais  apres  un  peu  de  temp  nous  recomencons  notre 
hattaille,  cette  fois  je  lui  fait  saigner  le  nez  et  je  coupe  sa 
levre.  Maintenant  nous  avons  finis  et  il  dit  '  Soyez  amis, 
soyez  amis  avec  moi ! '  Maintenant  il  membete  plus. 
Avec  beaucoup.  d'amour  pour  vous  tons  votre  petit  ami 
Charles."  On  the  whole  I  think  we  may  make  our  minds 
easy  about  the  degeneracy  and  the  effeminacy  of  boys. 
Indeed  I  am  not  at  all  sure  that  the  birches  won't  have 
to  come  out  of  their  museums.  E.  C.  L. 


A  PLAINTIVE  HEIR. 

OUB  Special  Interpreter  sends  us  the  following  expres- 
sions of  opinion  given  by  the  infant  Viscount  MILTON 
respecting  the  celebrations  attending  his  christening. 

"  I  am  sorry  to  say,"  remarked  his  Lordship  severely, 
"  that  the  proceedings  were  arranged  without  my  being 
consulted,  and  that  I  cannot  regard  them  as  satisfactory. 
You  would  think,  would  you  not,  that  any  celebrations  on 
my  behalf  would  be  such  that  I  could  be  permitted  to 
share  in  them.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  except  for  the 
christening,  I  took  practically  no  part  in  the  show. 

"  Under  these  circumstances  I  think  you  will  admit  that 
some  bitterness  is  permissible.  I  do  not  wish  for  one 
moment  to  cast  reflection  upon  the  wisrlom  of  my  dear 
Father  and  Mother,  yet  I  still  think  it  singular  that  my 
every  wish,  upon  such  a  day,  should  have  been  thwarted. 

"  I  asked,  quite  humbly,  that  I  might  be  allowed  to  eat 
the  roasted  ox.  The  request  was  refused.  When  I  desired 
to  taste  a  portion  of  the  pink  part  of  my  own  christening 
cake,  my  demands  were  silenced  with  milk,  of  which  I 
am  already  growing  more  than  weary.  Instead  of  being 
permitted  to  indulge  in  the  simple  pleasures  of  the  swing- 
boats  and  steam  roundabouts,  I  was  not  permitted  to 
enjoy  a  single  moment's  liberty ;  and  they  didn't  let  off  the 
fireworks  until  I  was  fast  asleep  in  the  far  wing. 

"I  understand  that  I  shall  be  given  another  large  party 
when  I  am  twenty-one.  You  may  take  it  from  me  that  I 
s'lall  insist  upon  different  treatment  then." 


I'l  p.'. i  u:Y  '2'J,  1011.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


THE    FOOTER    MART. 

IN  AMI*  n'.vii'ix  "i-  nil.  NMVM'ATKH  «v  1921. 

[  •/•/,.  Daily  Mail  lut.lv  pn.flaiiu.'il  in  startling 

headliuMthat  u  Football  I'UVT  lurl  been  sola 

i,  1  \vcnt  on  to  ]ioint  out  that  tliis 

*M  a  record  M\>\   iv]m -mtnl  a  price  of  about 

tve'.ve  •.•iiin":^  IUT  puiiid  (avoirdupois)} 

S  itccffmfit  I  A  notion. 
MKSM;S.  .KAMSDKN  AND  PLUNK  held 
their  monthly  auction  at  the  Footer 
Mart  yesterday  afternoon  when  some 
attractive  lots  visited  the  block,  result- 
ing in  a  good  attendance.  The  sale 
eras  advertised  for  two  o'clock  precisely, 
ind  when  Mr.  Joseph  Eamsden 
mounted  the  rostrum  a  few  minutes 
ater  cries  of  "  Yah-Taddy-Yah-Yah  " 
and  "  Gee-Gee-Gee  "  predominated, 
indicating  the  rival  interests  repre- 
d.  Mr.  Joseph  kicked  off  by 
saying  that  the  present  occasion  would 
be  eagerly  watched  by  exponents 
throughout  the  world,  and  he  hoped 
that  buyers  would  not  under-estimate 
the  importance  of  the  lots  he  was  to 
liave  the  honour  of  putting  up  that  day. 
He  reminded  his  hearers  that  although 
tin-  record  of  52  guineas  per  pound  had 
not  baen  touched  that  season  the  state 
of  the  market  plainly  indicated  that 
1  i-uvr  money  would  be  wanted  before 

(Chee:s.) 

The  lots  were  then  put  up.     Pounds 
avoirdupois  unless  otherwise  stated. 
Lot.  1.     Charles      Tinker. —  Aged. 
Bought  Sheffield  United,  May, 
1919,  l?i  gns.    Centre  Forward. 
Lot  withdrawn  after  11  gns.  had 
been  bid. 

The  Club  will  do  well  to  put 
Ihis  lot  on  the  field  once  or 
twice  before  offering  him,  as 
there  was  an  impression  among 
experts  that  he  had  not  regained 
form  after  the  accident  of  being 
forgotten  last  month  by  the  Club 
Secretary  who  left  him  in  the 
Cloak  Room  at  King's  Cross  for 
live  days. 

Lot  2.  Pour  Novices  (names  not 
given). — Apprenticed  combina- 
tion players,  Denton  Whoopers. 
No  records.  12s.  9d.  (Ventnor 
Incurables).  This  was  a  poor 
lot.  We  think  the  Denton 
\\lioopers  are  ill  advised  in 
adopting  the  American  fashion  of 
shaving  the  scalp  and  cropping 
the  ears  of  their  players. 
Lot  3.  hci-t  Hr<(inmIes.—27.  Full 
hack.  Bought  Tottenham  Hot- 
spurs 1918.  26  gns.  Wind 
defective.  No  bids. 
Lot  4.  "  Ciijiiinn  Cruni/i.t." — Aged. 
It  was  a  surprise  to  many  that 
this  well-known  player  should 
appeal'  a.unin  on  the  block  so 
11,  but  it  is  understood  that 


First  Farmer.  "  WHAT  BE  THEY  COMIX'  TWO  TOUECIIEU  KOI:  >. ' 

Second  Farmer.  " LIKELY  BECAUSE  IT'S  OITTIS'  LATE  AND  THEY  WANT  TO  FINISH. 


there  was  something  wrong 
with  the  purchase  money  a 
fortnight  ago,  the  owners  of 
"  Captain  Crumbs "  claiming 
that  he  had  always  been  knocked 
down  at  pounds  troy  in  compli- 
ment to  his  small  six.e.  "Captain 
Crumbs  "  is  four  feat  five  with  a 
forty-seven  inch  chest  measure- 
ment, and  is  nearer  sixty  than 
fifty.  He  has  little  executive 
value,  his  money  being  due  to 
his  eccentric  antics  on  the  field 
which  draw  big  gates.  His 
popularity  shows  no  signs  of 
waning.  Forward.  Bought 
Trafford  Creepers  1917,  28  gns. 
troy;  28^  gns.  troy  (Bramham 
Maulers). 

Lot  5.  James  Tagg. — 27.  Consider- 
able interest  was  evinced  when 
this  lot  was  put  up,  as  it  wa<  his 
first  public  appearance  since  he 


booted  the  Dalston  referee,  and 
there  was  no  lack  of  electricity 
in  the  air  when  it  was  seen  that 
a  good  fight  would  result.  The 
lot  finally  fell  to  Mr.  Postle- 
thwaite,  buyer  to  the  Malton 
Murderers,  the  immediate  run- 
ners-up  being  the  Langdale 
Bodysnatchers  and  the  Pale- 
thorpe  Ghosts.  The  price 
however  indicates  that  in  the 
excitement  of  the  engagement 
bidders  overlooked  the  fact  that 
this  lot  lias  been  putting  on 
flesh  while  in  prison  and  buyers 
are  therefore  paying  for  a 
quantity  of  superfluous  blubber 
which  cannot  be  used  and  must 
be  got  rid  of  before  James  takes 
the  field.  Right  Wing.  Bought 
Mowbray  Crashers  1919,  ± 
gns. ;  38  gns.  (Malton  Mur- 
derers'). 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUAUY  22,  1911. 


2Iust.    "HAVE  A  OIGARE1TE,    OLD   MAN?" 

Quest.    "No,   THANKS — I'VE  CHUCKED  SMOKING — TOO   EFFEMINATE,    DON'T   YOU   KNOW." 


Lot  6.     Korean  Chungs. — The  room 

was   crowded   when    Mr.    Fred 

Plunk  himself  accepted  the  baton 

from  Mr.  Joseph  and  took  com-  [ 

mand.     This  was  probably  the! 

first    occasion   upon   which   an 

imported  team  has  been  knocked ! 

down  in  one  lot,  and  the  circum-  j 

stances  are  remarkable.      After  j 

the  fiasco  at  the  Crystal  Palace  j 

when,    in   its   first   match,   the  i 

team  was  beaten  by  the  Totten- ' 

ham     Hotspurs    who     secured ' 

twenty-eight    goals   before   the: 

referee  stopped  the  proceedings 

at  half-time,  the  team  played  a  \ 

series  of  matches  against  second-  j 

rate   amateur  clubs   and    girls'  j 

schools  with  indifferent  success, ! 

and   Mr.   Plunk   was   therefore 

fully  justified  in  offering  the  lot 

at  lump  weight.    Bidding  was 

slow,  and  the  lot  was  knocked 

down  at  £3  Is.  id.  for  the  lump, 

to    a     gentleman     from     the 

Japanese    Legation.      The    lot 

comprised   sixteen  details   (two 


crippled),  and  the   weight  was 

given  as  one  ton. 

The  proceedings  then  terminated. 
During  the  afternoon  some  attention 
was  drawn  by  the  presence  of  the 
American  lot  Silas  P.  Sago,  which, 
though  catalogued,  was  not  put  up,  it 
being  understood  that  he  had  been 
acquired  privately  by  a  firm  of  Wall 
Street  Agents.  Silas  was  in  the  cage 
which  has  secured  him  since  the. fiasco 
at  Messrs.  Wiltshire's  sale  when  he 
laid  out  the  Auctioneer  with  a  hefty 
clip  in  the  ribs,  and  the  character  of 
this  player  was  well  established  during 
the  afternoon  by  his  reaching  through 
the  bars  and  presenting  a  bystander 
with  a  thick  ear. 

We  are  glad  to  see  that  our  old  friend 
Mr.  George  Slaver  has  brought  off 
another  of  his  coups.  Last  August  he 
picked  up  Alf.  Dickinson  at  £40  (lump 
weight),  Alf  being  in  a  very  low  way  and 
not  expected  to  take  the  field  again.  Mr. 
Slaver  however  sent  him  to  his  cure 
establishment  at  Homburg,  and  we 
understand  that  when  this  lot  comes  to 


the  block  next  week  he  is  expected  to 
touch  his  highest  previous  figure — 
viz.,  28J  gns.  per  Ib.  We  congratulate 
Mr.  Slaver  on  his  well-merited  success. 


"Melilla. — The  garrison  is  preparing  to  give 
General  Toutee  the  insigned  of  the  grand  crow 
of  military  merit." — Le  Progrto. 

The  General  should  escape  while  there 
is  yet  time. 

"  Diggle  did  nearly  all  the  scoring  in  the 
afternoon,  but  Gray  turned  the  tables  on  him 
in  the  evening." — Daily  Mirror. 

We  cannot  regard  this  as  a  sportsman- 
like form  of  revenge. 


"An  economical  mother  can  make  from  the 
upper  part  of  a  ]  air  of  pants  that  have  been 
hand-knitted  a  very  cosy  skirt  for  a  baby 
petticoat,  and  a  bodice  can  be  cut  from  the 
unworn  portions  of  the  leg.  If  this  is  not 
dainty  enough  for  the  home  baby,  it  will  at 
least  make  a  really  sensible  addition  to  the 
charity  parcel." — Vaily  Sketch. 
Some  baby  or  other  has  jolly  well  got 
to  wear  it,  after  we  've  taken  all  this 
trouble. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— FKBRCARY  22.  1011. 


THE  KING'S  HIGHWAY. 

PAIUS   (to  London).     "  GLAD  THEY  'RE  NOT  GOING  TO  SPOIL   YOUR   CHAMPS  ELYSEES  FOR 
A   HA'PORTH   OF   OLD   BRICKS.     WE   NEVER   STOP   FOR  THINGS   LIKE   THAT." 


-Ji!,    r.'\  1.1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIAIUVAIU. 


139 


THE  COMING  SOCIETY  CIIAZE.   "FIRST  A:D"  AT  HosiK-f.     INSIUUCIIOX  COMBINED  WITH  EKTERTAIXMKNT. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(ExillACTEI)  F110M  THE  DlARY  OF  ToDY,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Thursday,  Feb. 
16. — Since  he  was  gazetted  out  of  active 
service  on  account  of  perennial  youth, 
CHAHLIE  BERESFOHD  has  taken  to  cruis- 
ing across  the  lobby,  up  and  down 
the  corridors,  in  a  pair  of  felt  slippers 
s<>\<  i  ul  sizes  too  large,  working  his  way 
to  win'ard  with  assistance  of  stout  stick. 

"What  is  this?"  I  asked,  never 
missing  opportunity  to  inform  my 
mind.  "  Is  it  the  undress  uniform  of  a 
paid-off  Admiral?  " 

"  No,   TOBY  dear  boy,  it  'a  gout.     I 

should  like  to  use  an  adjective.     Have 

tried  one  or  two  ;  found  them  no  better 

than    other   forms    of    medicines;     so 

i in  from  further  doses." 

Hard  lines  coming  immediately  on 

hrinjj  shelved  at  time  of  life  when  still 

in  prime  mentally  and,  bar  transient 

K   of  gout,   physically.      Happily 

nothing  clouds  CHAKLIM'S  cheerfulness. 

Comforts  himself   with  reflection  that 

h"  will  have  undivided  leisure  now  to 

io«K  after  affairs  of  State  and  see  tint 

is  kept  up  to  two-keal  standard. 


Lengthened  life  and  fuller  experience 
do  not  increase  his  respect  for  Lords 
of  the  Admiralty  of  whatsoever  degree. 
Was  one  himself  for  a  couple  of  years, 
so  ought  to  know.  Following  on 
formation  of  the  MARKISS'S  first  Ad- 
ministration, they  made  him  Lord 
Commissioner  of  the  Admiralty.  But 
he  didn't  care  for  the  ship.  One  day 
they  brought  round  in  ordinary  course 
of  tilings  an  estimate  of  certain  ex- 
penditure with  request  that  he  would 
sign  it. 

"  Sign  it  I  "  cried  the  LORD  COM.MIS- 
siONKii,  hailing  the  trembling  emissary 
as  if  he  were  at  the  other  end  of  the 
wharf.  "  Why,  I  don't  know  anything 
about  it.  First  I've  seen  of  the  figures." 

Politely  explained  that  it  was  all  a 
matter  of  form.      Regulations  required 
document  should  be  signed  by  one  of 
the  Lords  of  Admiralty  and  CH.uiLiiihad 
happened  to  be  near  at  hand.     He  was 
obdurate  in  refusal,  and  another  official,  • 
equally  uninformed  but  more  pliable,  j 
put  his  name  to  the  paper,  which  in  due 
course  appeared  in  Navy  Estimates. 

As  soon  as  he  was  "unmu/xl'd," 
like  Mr.  G.  at  Manchester  in  the  Sixties,  j 


CHARLIE  came  down  to  House  and  in 
Committee  on  Navy  Estimates  moved 
an  Amendment.  It  was  terse  and  to 
the  point.  "  The  allocation  of  authority 
at  the  Admiralty,"  so  it  ran,  "  requires 
entire  reform." 

Remember  two  yarns  CHARLIE  spun 
in  illustration  of  his  thesis.  One  told 
how  a  Lord  of  the  Admiralty,  receiving 
account  of  disaster  to  a  ship,  couched 
in  technical  terms  familiar  on  the 
quarter-deck  and  in  the  gun-room, 
thought  it  was  bad  language,  and 
penned  a  minute  gravely  censuring 
the  Captain  guilty  of  the  imagined 
indiscretion. 

Another  story  related  to  a  civilian 
Lord  whom  the  House  thought  it  re- 
cognised. News  reached  Admiralty 
of  a  ship's  crew  being  cast  away  on 
small  island  in  the  Pacific.  Looking 
over  chart,  and  finding  that  a  cruiser 
homeward  bound  had.  according  to 
admission  made  in  ship's  log,  passed 
the  island  distant  by  only  two  inches' 
space  on  the  chart,  lie  indignantly 
wanted  to  know  why  the  Captain  hadn't 
looked  in  and  brought  the  men  oft'. 

As   CHARLIE  explained  to   delighted 


140 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARL_          [FEBRUARY  22,  1911. 


Jommittee,  the  two  inches'  space 
marked  on  the  chart  represented  a  dis- 
;ance  of  4,000  miles  at  sea. 

These  are  frivolities.  Let  us  not 
forget  or  fail  to  recognise  that  behind  a 
smiling  countenance  CHARLIE  BKUKS- 
has  through  a  period  of  thirty 
,  cherished  and  pursued  a  serious 
purpose.  To  few  menmoredireetly  than 
to  him  is  due  awakening  of  Ministerial 
mind  and  public  conscience  to  neces- 
sity of  keeping  the  British  Navy  at  a 
standard  of  strength  and  efficiency 
calculated  to  safeguard  the  Empire  in 
time  of  peril. 

Business  Done. —  Time  of  Private 
Members  up  to  Easter  appropriated 
for  Parliament  Bill. 

Friday,  17th.— Address  out  of  the 
way,  are  settling  down  to  real  work  of 
Session.  Labour  Members  approach  it 
with  pleased  consciousness  that  what- 
ever may  happen  they  have  had  them- 
selves photographed  in  a  group  seated 
in  their  accustomed  quarter  below 
Gangway  on  Ministerial  side.  Here 
was  missed,  not  for  the  first  time,  the 
skilful  art,  the  tireless  energy  of  Sir 
BENJAMIN  STONE.  During  his  long 
honourable  service  as  Member  for  East 
Birmingham,  he  photographed  every- 
thing and  nearly  everybody  connected 
with  House.  Never  thought  of 
doing  the  Labour  Members.  In  his 
absence  they  had  recourse  to  opera- 
tor with  flash-light,  an  agency  which 
gave  a  curiously  spectral  look  to  the 
face  and  figure  of  "  MABON,"  just  back 
from  Buckingham  Palace,  where  he 
had  been  invested  with  the  high,  well- 
earned  dignity  of  Privy  Councillor. 

Incident  attracted  much  interest. 
Example  likely  to  be  followed  by  other 
sections.  The  Welsh  Members  are 
thinking  of  having  a  turn.  ELLIS 
GRIFFITHS,  new  Leader,  sounded  on 
subject,  has  intimated  that  if  affah 
comes  off  he  shall  have  no  objection 
to  appear  with  a  harp  in  his  hand  and 
a  bardic  wreath  bound  about  his  manly 
brow.  The  Scotch  Members  not 
likely  to  be  left  out  of  a  good  thing 
We  may  presently  be  able  to  enrich 
our  albums  with  photographs,  cabinel 
size,  displaying  EUGENE  WASON  at  the 
head  of  his  clan,  wearing  the  kilt  anc 
hugging  the  pibroch. 

With  object  of  making  fuller  study  o 
the  effect  of  new  departure  in  Parlia 
mentary  procedure,  pressure  is  beinj, 
brought  to  bear  on  PRIME  MINISTER  to 
induce  him  to  authorise  copies  of  the 
Labour  Members'  photographs   to  be 
circulated  with  the  Votes. 

Business  Done. — In   Committee   on 
Supplementary  Estimates. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  ALL  THAT  MATTERS." 
THE  title  is  a  breezy  rendering  of  the 
motto,  "  (Jiiid  cetera  prosunt  ?  "  You 
might  think  it  meant  the  world  well 
ost  for  love  or  honour  or  the  saving 
of  a  soul.  Not  at  all.  Something 
nuch  more  solid  is  thrown  in,  as  you 
nay  see  from  the  arms  that  go  with 
,he  legend  and  symbolise  peace  and 
)lenty  in  addition  to  a  woman's  love, 
io  the  motto  is  not  so  very  splendid. 
And  I  couldn't  find  that  it  had  much 
relation  to  the  facts  of  the  play.  For 
the  hero,  though  he  gets  his  woman's 
ove  in  the  end,  is  not  likely  to  have 
much  "  peace  "  with  it,  to  judge  from 
ler  uncertain  and  vixenish  behaviour  ; 


Our  Persian  Policy — "  Koweit   an 
See." 


Hyde  (passionately).  "  I  've  got  her,  Pacy, 
I  've  got  her !  (Aside)  Pray  Heaven  the  boat 
comes  pretty  soon  ;  I  can't  I  ear  it  much  lot  ger." 

Olive  Kimber  .  .  .  Misa  PHYLLIS  NEILSON- 

TEliHY. 

Allan  Hyde  ...  Mr.  NORMAN  TKEVOK. 

and  I  see  no  prospect  of  "  plenty  "  for 
him  if  he  does  no  better  than  he  did 
with  his  farm,  which  was  always  in  a 
rotten  state. 

So  much  for  the  title.  The  play 
itself  contains  a  few  well-observed 
characters  and  a  patch  or  two  oi 
idealism,  but  its  scheme  is  of  the 
most  artificial  and  improbable.  There 
never  seems  to  be  any  good  reason 
for  anything  that  happens.  A  fatuous 
female,  belonging  to  a  party  of  Cocknej 
trippers,  tripping  in  Dorset,  is  inspirec 
for  no  reason  in  the  world  to  write  an 
anonymous  postcard  to  a  local  squire 
suggesting  that  he  should  marry  the 
daughter  of  a  local  yeoman.  The  girl 
loves  another,  and  for  no  particular 
reason  concludes  that  he  wrote  the 
post  c:ird.  Having  already  quarrellec 
with  him,  on  the  silly  pretext  that  he 
had  neglected  his  farm  because  his 
thoughts  were  always  with  her,  she 


now  consents  to  yield  to  the  advances 
f  the  squire,  who,  instead  of  being 
>ut  off,  as  you  might  expect,  by  the 
monymous  missive,  admits  that  it 
lelped  to  confirm  him  in  his  original 
Jesigns  upon  her. 

At  times  the  action  went  with  a 
•ery  halting  movement.  People  always 
,eemed  to  be  wanting  to  get  off  the 
,tage  and  unable  to.  The  audience, 
lager  to  speed  them  into  the  wings, 
was  impotent.  If  it  was  an  interior, 
ihen  a  door  got  in  the  way;  if  it  was 
a  cave,  then  the  rising  tide  detained 
;hem ;  and  if  they  were  on  the  top  of 
a  down,  with  nothing  to  stay  their 
departure,  still  they  stuck. 

What  attraction  the  play  provided 
was  due  to  the  fine  performances  of 
some  of  the  secondary  characters. 
Mr.  FISHER  WHITE  made  a  noble 
shepherd,  whose  dignity  had  an  ex- 
cellent foil  in  the  frivolous  vulgarity  of 
ihe  trippers.  But  in  the  last  Act  he 
seemed  -to  grow  tired  of  his  own  voice, 
and  the  audience  agreed  with  him. 
Mr.  WARBUBTON  gave  an  admirable 
study  of  a  Scotch  agent.  But  the 
most  remarkable  character-sketch  was 
that  of  Miss  HELEN  HAYE  as  the  yeo- 
man's wife.  With  rather  colourless 
material  she  did  wonderful  things. 
Miss  NEILSON-TERRY,  as  the  heroine, 
bad  an  uncongenial  part,  in  which  a 
great  deal  of  arbitrary  conduct  was 
required  of  her.  Gaiety  and  tender- 
ness are  the  qualities  that  belong  to 
such  youth  as  hers,  and  she  had  little 
chance  of  exhibiting  either.  One  traced 
signs  of  incipient  staginess  in  her 
manner,  a  tendency  that  is  bound  to 
develop  if  more  discretion  is  not  use:l 
in  the  choice  of  the  right  parts  for  her. 

Mr.  NORMAN  TREVOR  worked  con- 
scientiously as  the  lover,  and  seemed 
to  think  out  everything  very  carefully 
before  he  said  it.  But  it  was  a  lifeless 
and  ligneous  part.  As  for  Mr.  LYALL 
SWETE,  who  ought  always  to  be  an 
old  professor  or  some  sort  of  detaehe.l 
antiquity,  being  gifted  by  nature  with 
a  voice  that  would  be  the  making  of  a 
don,  he  was,  of  course,  an  absurd 
selection  for  the  character  of  a  squire. 

The  trippers,  though  they  were 
dragged  in  rather  wantonly,  were 
attractive  till  we  had  had  too  much  of 
them.  There  was  one  who  kept  on 
saying,  "  That 's  quite  right,"  and  she 
was  a  great  source  of  joy  to  me. 

Everybody  did  his  best  for  the  play, 
but  I  cannot  predict  any  great  profit  for 
the  Haymarket.  "  All  that  matters  " 
is  not  gold ;  it  is  a  rough  lump  of 
quartz,  with  here  and  there  a  streak  of 
precious  metal,  in  the  proportion  of 
about  ten  pennyweight  to  the  ton, 
hardly  enough  to  repay  the  labour  of 
crushing.  O.  S. 


IV.Iil:l-AKY  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


141 


FAMILY   PRIDE. 

Girl.    "MY   FAUVER  ONCE   BROKE   IN   A  SHOP  AND   PINCHED  A   DIAMOND   BKOOCII  I 

Policeman's  Son.  "THAT  AIN'T  NCFFIJJ'.     ilr  FAR VER  PWOHED  'ml" 


ART    IN    THE    BATHROOM. 

["Tiled  paper  is  the  most  universal  wall  treatment  of  the  average 
bathroom.  There  are  many  tiled  [wipers  to  be  found,  among  them  one 
with  sea-gulls  skimming  atToss  it  at  intervals,  fish  swimming  in  the  sea, 
and  clouds,  waves,  iu,d  flying  birds." — T/te  Ert.niitij  Aeira.] 

AT  eventide  I  love  to  lie  at  gaze, 

Wallowing  while  the  calid  water  wets  me, 

And  idly  watch  (provided  that  the  haze 

Subtly  composed  of  steam  and  soap-suds  lets  me) 

The  sea-gulls  and  the  jelly-fish  and  all 

The  jolly  things  that  deck  my  hathroom  wall. 

It  makes  me  think  of  those  delightful  dips 

I  mean  to  have  this  year  in  far-off  August, 
With  gentle  wavelets  lapping  round  my  hips 

And  sunshine  beating  on  me,  and  no  raw  gust 
To  shake  my  courage  with  its  bitter  sting 
And  counsel  me  to  shirk  the  beastly  thing. 
I  turn  the  tap  and  conjure  up  the  scene 

What  time  I  let  some  more  hot  water  trickle: 
Old  Ocean  shall  be  bright  with  silver  sheen, 

And  Zephyis  for  the  nonce  shall  not  be  fickle, 
\Yliile  Hying  birds  and  swimming  fish  and  such 
Mere  odds  and  ends  shall  add  their  pleasing  touch. 

The  prospect  charms — but  that 's  at  eventide, 
\\lieu  prospects  have  a  knack  of  looking  rosy. 


Next  moining  comes  and  spreads  a  frost  outside, 

And  things  begin  to  look  a  lot  more  prosy. 
Moreover,  men  who  like  their  water  hot 
Are  never  optimistic  when  it 's  not. 

So,  \\hile  I  take  the  Briton's  brutal  tub 

And  view  the  scene  of  cloud  and  fin  and  feather, 

I  call  to  mind  (yes,  there  's  the  wretched  rub!) 
Last  summer's  bathes  in  diabolic  weather ; 

Then  do  I  murmur  sadly,  "  Hope  is  vain ; 

Things  will  be  just  as  rotten  once  again." 


A  Barbed  Wire. 

"NAPLES.  The  man  suspected  to  be  'Peter  the  Painter'  has  lieen 
identified  us Renter." — Mitl/aud  Evening  Neva. 

Well  might  they  put  in  that  dash ;  for  assuredly  it  is  a 
great  shock  to  find  our  old  friend  Heuter  mixed  up  in  this 
kind  of  thing. 

"Other  8]>eeches  followed,  and  finally  walked  in  prws^ion  to  the 
new  building." — Euttern  £vcning  A'cws. 

These  are  what  are  known  as  moving  speeches. 

"He  had  noticed  the  moment  he  read  the  letter  that  the  Hoe 
should  have  been  '0  wild  prurtcntio  referal  si  Jupiter  »nn.«,'  instead 
of  beginning,  '  0  di  practeiitos,'  etc." — £veiii'Rff  Times. 

Of  course,  of  course.     Now  it  all  comes  back  to  us. 


143 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  22,  1911. 


MARRIAGE   A    LA    MODE. 

Tin:  MIXL-KLAW  AVi:m>i.\G. 


:<m  our  New  York  Correspondent) 

I  HAVE  just  returned  from  witnessint 
the  most  superb  scenic  happening  ii 
the  wliole  annals  of  the  New  World. 

The   wedding    of    Miss     Melisand( 
>emirainis    Klaw    to    the    Marquis    o 
Mull   was   solemnised    to-day   at    th 
Kir*t  Church  of  Rarer  Thought,  Flat 
hush   Avenue,   Dr.  van   Pelt   Blotters 
officiating. 

THE  MENACED  MARQUIS. 

Though  the  Marquis  of  Mull  hac 
received  many  sinister  threatening 
letters,  no  untoward  incident  occurrec 
to  mar  the  harmony  of  the  nuptials,  bul 
special  precautions  had  been  taken  to 
guard  against  accidents,  and  it  was 
noted  that  the  principal  actors  in  the 
ceremony  wore  a  strained  expression 
which  hardly  accorded  with  so  blissful 
an  occasion. 

ESCORTED  BY  BLOODHOUNDS. 

In  addition  to  a  force  of  500  police, 
armed  with  Maussr  pistols  and  sand- 
bags, who  mounted  guard  outside  the 
Marquis's  hotel,  the  carriages  of  the 
bride  and  groom  were  closely  guarded 
by  a  squadron  of  Pinkerton's  mounted 
detectives,  each  horseman  holding  a 
Cuban  bloodhound  in  a  leash,  the 
baying  of  the  formidable  quadrupeds 
blending  admirably  with  the  salvoes 
of  artillery  which  were  discharged  at 
intervals  by  a  battery  of  the  Mull 
Territorials,  who  had  crossed  the 
Atlantic  to  do  honour  to  their  chief- 
tain. 

SCENE  IN  THE  SANCTUARY. 

The  church,  which  is  a  splendid 
specimen  of  Flamboyant  Eococo  archi- 
tecture, was  profusely  decorated  with 
golden  rod  and  thistle,  typifying  the 
significance  of  the  union,  and  banners 
emblazoned  with  the  names  of  the 

e-otagonists  of  Rarer  Thought,  such  as 
lysses  Opp,  Hendrik  van  Boogaard, 
and  Yolney   Streaker,  were   tastefully 
disposed  along  the   nave,  which  was 
carpeted  with  rich  sables. 

A  LIST  OP  LUMINARIES. 
Shortly  after  the  Marquis  of  Mull 
appeared  at  the  altar  rail  with  his  best 
man,  Lord  Ian  Pluscardine,  the  bride 
entered  the  sanctuary  leaning  on  the 
arm  of  her  father,  Mr.  Schenectady  P. 
Klaw.  She  was  preceded  by  two 
flower-girls,  the  Misses  Gloriana  and 
Polyxena  Klaw,  and  two  pages,  Master 
Jared  Oelstreich  and  Master  Agag 
Naselheimer,  bearing  wands  of  22-carat 
gold  with  electric-lighted  tips.  Behind 
the  bride  marched  the  chief  maid  of 


honour,  Miss  Aphrodite  Klaw,  followei 

by   the    six    bridesmaids,   the    Misses 

Yolumnia  Yandercrup,  Artemis  Chew 

Jeanne  Dare  Pogram,  Araminta  Crom 

well  Bangs,  Aspasia  Conger  and  Mirinn 

Otaheite   Stodge,  the    List-named    re 

placing   Miss    Sonora    Schlumbacher 

who    is     suffering     from     California!! 

mumps.     Rumour  credits  Miss  Stodge 

with    being   engaged    to    Mr.    Bolossy 

Klaw,  a  brother  of  the  bride,  but  no 

official    announcement    has    yet    been 

made.      Miss  Stodge's  mother,  it  maj 

be  mentioned,  was  the  former  Peruvian 

Princess,    Dadapalona     Fuflunga,    in 

whose  veins  runs  the  bluest  blood  ol 

the  Onoto  Incas.     The  Princess  wai 

conspicuous  amongst  the  5,000  guests 

in  a  superb  robe  of  Peruvian  pemmican, 

set  off  by  a  conical  talc  helmet  with  a 

phosphorescent  peak   and   puma-skin 

ear-flaps.        The    service    was    partly 

horal,  partly  orchestral,  but  altogether 

bioscopic.      Mr.    Pinkerton     presided 

at    the .  grand     organ,     Mr.    Samson 

Bangs  had  charge  of  the  instruments 

of  percussion,  and  Professor  Rooseboom 

operated   the  contrabass   tonkophone. 

I  had  almost  forgotten  to  add  that  the 

ushers  numbered  eight,  including  Lord 

Archibald   Kingander,  Mr.  Otis  Slott, 

VTr.  Nahum  Titus,  Mr.  Ignatius  Loyola 

Bchloss  and  Mr.  Peabody  Greathead. 

~iord  Talboys  acted  as  ringmaster,  and 

Senator  Tertius  Cramp  was  janitor  of 

.he  vestry. 

CONFECTIONERY  IN  EXCELSIS. 

The    wedding    cake    is    generally 
admitted  to  have  been  the  richest  and 
argest   example  of  matrimonial  con- 
'ectionery   ever   constructed.     It   was 
;en    storeys  or    100    feet    high,    and 
weighed   20   tons.      The  confectioners 
state  that  it  cost  100,000  dollars,  but 
his  is  obviously  an  underestimate.     It 
was  profusely  embellished  with  cupids, 
arandoles,  ghibellines,  gobelins,   aba- 
cots,  holophotes,  marabouts  and  other 
appropriate    figures.     Ten    detectives, 
disguised    in   angelica   uniforms   with 
almond-paste  buckles,  were  concealed 
n  the  interior,  one  in  each   storey,  to 
prevent   depredations  on   the  part   of 
sweet-toothed  kleptomaniacs. 
ME.  KLAW'S  CHEQUE. 
Although  the  presents  were  of  un- 
paralleled   sumptuousness    and  splen- 
:our,  they  were  naturally  eclipsed  by  the 
hief    exhibit   of    the    collection,    Mr. 
flaw's  cheque.     This  was  displayed  on 
a  special  stand  under  a  crystal  magnify - 
ng  glass  and  was  guarded  by  a  special 
losse  of  detectives  dressed  as  noblemen 
f    the    Court  of    Louis   XIV.     The 
mount  of  the  cheque  was  so  porten- 
ous   that    the   resources   of    wireless 


record  of   the    figures    into    which    i 
runs.     The  bride's  wedding  dress  was 
of  old  Clos  Yougeot  satin  with  mosaic 
insertions  of  peacock's  feathers  imitatec 
in  precious  stones.     She  wore  a  triple 
diamond  tiara  illuminated  by  a  radiun 
fountain,  and  her  shoes  had  belonget 
to  MARIE  ANTOINETTE. 


ilegraphy  are  unequal  to  an  accurate 


HINTS  ON  HEALTH. 
ACCORDING  to  a  writer  in  The 
Medical  'limes,  among  the  symptoms  of 
digestive  failure  or  "  slow  suicide  "  may 
be  included  "  a  feeling  of  lightness  and 
ease  after  a  substantial  meal,  hunger 
some  two  hours  subsequently,  and 
sound  sleep  at  night."  As  this  appears 
to  us  to  open  up  fresh  and  absorbing 
regions  of  speculation  for  the  hypochon- 
driac, we  have  ourselves  been  at  pains 
;o  collect  a  few  similar  warnings.  As 
under : — 

A  craving  for  open-air  exercise  on  a 
hne    day,    coupled   with     exhilaration 
and  a  marked  absence  of  fatigue,  is  one 
of   the  most  significant   symptoms  of 
pproaching  beri-beri. 

Pronounced  cheerfulness  in  the  early 
morning,  manifesting  itself  in  sustained 
ind  jovial  conversation  at  the  break- 
ast-table,  very  frequently  precedes  an 
ittack  of  homicidal  mania — on  the  part 
f  somebody  else. 

Similar  hilarity  at  the  evening  meal, 
ncreasing  towards  the  close  of  the  day, 
3  usually  caused  by  incipient  alcoholic 
oisoning. 

Optimism  generally,  or  a  disposition 
o  look   at  the  bright  side  of  things, 
hould  be  regarded   with   the  gravest 
uspicion.     The  patient  should  at  once 
onsult  as  many  volumes  of  the  medical 
ress  as  may  be  obtainable.     A  course 
f  these,  even  should  it  fail  to  identify 
the      precise      malady,     will      almost 
invariably  be  found  to  have  removed 
the  symptom. 


The  Five  Hundred  Pour  Hire. 
Mr.  GULLAND,  Scottish  Whip,  who 
was  reported  to  have  announced  that 
he  was  already  compiling  a  list  of 
possible  new  Peers,  has  denied  the 
allegation  and  attributed  the  misunder- 
standing to  the  dulnessof  his  Edinburgh 
audience.  To  compensate  for  the  dis- 
appointment caused  by  this  dementi, 
Mr.  Punch  himself,  ever  animated  by  a 
passionate  desire  to  make  his  pages  the 
repository  of  the  best  British  humour, 
is  prepared  to  receive  the  names  of  any 
gentlemen  volunteering  for  nobility, 
and  to  publish  them  in  his  columns. 


Better  Late  than  Never. 

"The  Mayor  proposed  'that  the  Coronation 
Lit'  His  .Majesty  King  E  Kvard  V.   be  loyally  and 


properly  celebrated  ill  the  Borough. 


Torquay  Times. 


FEHRUARY  22.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


143 


THE   SUBTLETIES   OF   CRIME. 

(Mr.  WINSTON  CUURCHII.L,  in  a  published  letter,  recently  referred  to  a  case  of  burglary  "  without  any  aggravating  circumstances.") 
Cautious  Burglar  (to  whimsical  colleague).    "  DON'T    MESS    TUB    OLD    GIRL'S    NEW   'ATS   ABAMT,    BILL.     THAT'LL  CONSTITOOT 


HACGI'.AVATIN     CIRCUMSTANCK. 


TO  MY   PARTNER   FOR  THE   NEXT   DANCE. 

HASTE  not,  I  pray  you,  from  the  easy-chair, 
The  lounge,  the  sofa,  or  whate'er  it  be; 
Remain,  to  all  appearance,  unaware 
That  you  arranged,  my  captivating  fair, 
To  do  a  Uance  with  me. 

There  was  a  moment,  dear,  when  I  implored, 
And  positively  wished  you,  gentle  pard, 

To  brave  with  me  the  much-bebeoswax'd  board, 

And  botli  of  us  were  careful  to  record 
Our  pledge  upon  a  card. 

My  recollections  of  the  scene  are  few; 

1  know  not  rightly  why  the  thing  was  done; 
1  only  know  that  one  delightful  view 
Was  quite  enough  to  demonstrate  that  you 

Wore  looking — well,  Al ! 

Such  was  the  thought.    Then  follow'd  swift,  the  act- 

Tlie  introduction,  and  the  courtly  bow, 
The  mild  persuasion,  and  the  solemn  pact 
1'or  Number  Ten,  which  is,  in  point  of  fact, 
The  one  that's  coming  now. 

I  have  perhaps  a  tno  "  fantastic  too;  " 
I  am  notorious  before  I  've  mado 


A  single  circuit,  and  my  partners  slow 
Discreetly  down,  and  think  they'd  like  to  go 
And  have  some  lemonade. 

So  will  it  be  with  us.     The  fatal  tryst 

Will  end  in  sorrow,  as  it  always  ends; 
1  am,  in  many  ways,  an  optimist, 
But  1  can  promise  you  we  should  desist 
More  enemies  than  friends. 

Therefore,  my  Muriel,  if  I  awoke 

An  interest,  but  nothing  like  a  throb, 
Nothing  more  warm  than  all  these  other  folk, 
Come,  let  us  dance.     We  shall,  at  least,  provoke 
The  laughter  of  the  mob. 

But  if  you  love  mo ;  if,  when  I  advance, 

Your  heart  at  once  begins  to  hop  about; 
Nay,  if  there  be  the  faintest  sort  of  chance, 
Dou't  let  us  risk  it  on  a  beastly  dance — 
Let 's  go  and  sit  it  out. 

Let  tbem  rotate.     Let  us  at  least  refrain. 

The  comfortable  chairs  will  all  be  free. 
Come,  I  implore  you,  when  they  start  again, 
Leave  on  the  instant  yon  repulsive  swain, 

And  sit  and  talk  to  me. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[FKBIIUAKY  22,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE  >rist's  delight  on  discovering  in  ilri.^-liln,  the  intelligent 

and  uHra-feminine,  a  devout  disciple.     Conceive  her  qualms 

(By  Mr.  Punch  s  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.)  ,,„  i,,.],,,!,!;,,^,  the  devout  disciple  of  an  ideal  threatening  to 

"TOD  mustn't  kn.'vl,  1'illy!   Stoop!"     This  remark  has  become  a  strict  and  literal  practitioner.     Conceive,  lastly, 

nothing    to  do  with    small    boys    and    leap-frog.     Jt    was  my  intei'i  st  and   amusement  throughout,  as  I   watched  the 

what  Kixi:  KDWVHII  said  when    Ki  SSI.I.L,  lirst  and  greatest  passionate  romance  of  Uriseltla    undoing  for  Deiicin   her 

of  war- correspondents  "hopped  "  into  the  Royal  presence  heartless  creed  as  surely  as  the  heartless  creed  of  Dellcin 

to  receive   a   last  addition  to   the  many  Orders  and  medals  was  undoing  for  Griselda  her  passionate  romance.     Such  a 

that  lie  had  won  in  his  four-score-and-two  years.     Since  the  nice   theme   of   true  comedy  required   the   most   delicate 

days  when,  as  an  obscure  young  Irish  journalist,  a  despised  handling,  but  it  could  not    have   been    left  with    a  more 

and    unwelcome    camp-follower,    he    fought    with    angry  capable  and    ingenious    manipulator   than   Mr.  LAUHKNCI: 

generals  in  the  Crimea  for  the  cause  of  truth,  the  dignity  NORTH.     His  supers  are  as  lively  as  his  protagonists;  his 

of  his  profession,  and  the  welfare  of  the  British   soldier,  mili-cu  is  every-day  but  original;  and  particularly  I  applaud 


in  live  campaigns  and  four  continents  he  bad  placed  his 
life  fearlessly  at  the  disposal  of  The  Times  and  his  country. 
He  had  made  a  few  mistakes  and  troops  of  friends;  had 
upset  a  Government  and  saved  an  army.  In  India  he  bad 


him  for  his  creation  of  one  of  the  very  few  human  K.C.'s 
of  modern  fiction.  Had  I  waited  to  write  this  notice  by 
the  cold  light  (if  any)  of  day,  I  should  have  made  no 
difference,  save  to  quarrel  with  the  author  over  the  manner 


pleaded  for  mercy,  in  America  for  a  wiser  judgment  of  the :  of  his  epilogue. 

cause  at  is-u-  between  North  and  South.     And  now  he  had  

become  "Billy"  to  all  men,  Irom  the  KINO  downwards,        I  must  confess  that  I  always  find  it  very  fascinating  to 
and  was  l.e!o\vd  by  many  of   those  whom   he   had   most    road  about  anyone  else  having  his  log  pulled,  and  Mr.  I!H\M 
criticise.l.      Accurate,    shrewd,    humorous,    great-    STOKER'S  book,  Famous  Impostors  (SioowicK  AND  .JACKSON), 
hearted,  he  was  a  model 


to  the  war  correspondents 
of  the  )  resent  day,  who 
owe  to  him  their  advan- 
tageous position  at  the 
elbow  of  the  H(  adquarters 
Stall,  and  may  reflect,  in 
the  rush  of  their  journa- 
listic "  scoops,"  that  it  is 
one  thing  to  get  first  to 
the  telegiaph  office  and 
quite  another  to  make 
literature  in  the  heat  of 
Battle.  I  have  much  to 
say  about  Ttte  Life  of  Sir 
William  Howard  Itussell 
MURRAY),  but  I  must  con- 
ine  myself  to  this,  that 
ts  author,  Mr.  J.  B. 
ATKINS  (a  good  'un,  heart 
and  hand,  a  worthyspckes- 
man  of  that  other  Atkins 
whose  Christian  nan:e  is 
Thomas,  and  himself  a  war-correspondent  of  great  experience 
md  dist  nction)  has  done  his  work  most  modestly  and  well. 
3e  has  let  "  BILLY  "  RUSSELL  tell  his  own  story  as  nearly 
is  possible  in  lr-3  own  words,  so  that  RUSSELL  himself  and 
JICKKNS  and  THACKERAY  and  DELANE  and  BIBMABCK  and 


THE    PRIVATE    LIFE    OF    OUR    PUBLIC    MEN. 
1.     THE  JUOOLER  AT  BKEAKFAVT. 


provides  such  delights  in 
abundance.  The  subjects 
are  treated  biographicalhfi 
but  the  author,  in  dealing 
with  his  facts,  lias  brought 
to  their  arrangement  the 
skilled  novelist's  instinct 
for  what  is  interes'ing. 
His  net  embraces  typical 
impostors  from  the  least  to 
the  greatest,  from  the 
Wandeiing  Jew  and  JINNY 
BIKGHAM  (who  was  known 
as  Mother  Damnable)  to  ! 
Piincess  OLIVE,  who  cut 
at  the  throne  of  England, 
and  ARTHUR  OHTON,  the 
Tich borne  Colossus.  We 
have  THEODORE  HOOK,  wh<> 
for  a  hoax  filled  Berners  ' 
Street  with  tradesmen's 
carts  calling  at  an  inoffen- 
sive-looking bouse  with  a  ] 
brass  plate.  We  have  JOHN  LAW,  who  gave  France  -.\ 
huge  financial  boom  and  knocked  the  bottom  out  of  it  all 
in  a  few  months.  We  have  the  unscrupulous  quack, 
CAQLIOSTKO.  We  have  PERKIN  WARBECK,  the  pretender. 
And  we  have  finally  Queen  ELIZABETH,  whom  quite  a 


the  Bisley  boy.  Personally  I  can  seldom  trust  myself  with 
such  mysteries,  because  I  find  somehow  that  I  have 
generally  an  unreasonable  leaning  towards  the  improbable 

and  unaccepted  solution.    But  the  Maiden  Queen Think 

how  small  RALEIGH  would  have  felt  that  muddy  day ! 


•tj  ITT  J        ^v  *-*-^*-'"        -*-t±JLl*f\.l.irj  A'1)        »>1HJIU       LI  UlLC      U    I 

-EY   and    EVELYN  WOOD  and  OUTKAM  and  COLIN  :  number  of  people  believe  to  have  been  a  man.     Mr.  STOKKK  : 
SELL  and  LINCOLN  and  RAGLAN  and  a  whole  host  of  puts  her  case  judicially,  but  I  think  lie  is  nearly  convinced  ' 
ienth-century    heroes    are    presented    with     lifelike   of  the  troth  of  the  Gloucestershire  tradition  which  tells  of 
lity  in   the  pages  of  this  fascinating  book.     And  the  the  Princess  dying  as  a  child  and  of  the  substitution  of 
vord-pictures  are  so  good  that  it 's  truly  a  case  of  "  Thank 
•ou,  Mister  Atkins  .  .  .  when  the  drum  begins  to  roll." 

It    is    midnight,   and   I   have  just    finished    Impatient 

mselda   (daintily   published   by   MARTIN   SECKER).      Let 

me  heap  injudicious  praue  upon  it  at  once,  before  I  have 

ime  to  become  professionally  captious.     Delicia  Hepburn 

vent  out  into  the  world  in  her  early  and  impressionable 

•outh  and  absorbed  ideas.     She  became  not  a  Suffragette, 

:>ut    a    daring,  and    persuasive    advocate    of    the   higher 

^mancipation  of  woman.     Her  theories  she  put  into  print 

t  not  into  practice,  for  there  came  into  her  life  at  the 

itical  juncture   a   wise   and  witty  husband,  who  knew 

:tly  how  to  deal  with  her.      Conceive,  however    the 


A   pretty   Compliment. 

A  correspondent  informs  us  that  at  the  last  scientific 
meeting  of  the  Zoological  Society  Mr.  OLDFIELD  THOMAS 
described  a  collection  of  mammals  from  Eastern  Asia,  and 
stated  that,  in  recognition  of  the  help  given  by  the  Duke 
of  BEDFORD  in  forming  this  collection,  he  proposed  to  name 
a  new  species  of  Striped  Shrew  after  the  DUCHKSS. 


M\nci(  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


145 


CHARIVARIA. 

TirK  annexation  of  Canada  by  the 
UuitcdStates  would.itis  now  rumoured, 
ho  considered  an  unfriendly  act  by 

German  v.  *  * 

* 

The  Prime  Minister  of  Quebec, 
speaking  on  the  crisis,  remarked  that 
it  was  the  ilosiro  of  the  Government  to 
make  Quebec  the  centre  of  the  pulp 
and  paper  industry  of  the  world.  It 
might  start  by  making  pulp  of  those 
reciprocity  proposals. 

* 

With  regard  to  the  now  prison  reform 
system  there  is,  we  hear,  some  little 
discontent  in  petty  criminal  circles 
owing  to  the  fact  that  only  persons 
who  can  be  properly  described  as 
habitual  offenders  are  to  come  under 
the  scheme,  and  a  condition  precedent 
is  that  the  last  offence  shall  have 
been  a  serious  one.  However  a  deter- 
mined effort  will  be  made  to  rise  to  the 
occasion  by  aiming  at  the  high  standard 
required.  ,,,  ^ 

The  Turkish  Government  has  un- 
doubtedly been  standing  on  its  dignity. 
The  latest  rumour  is  that  representa- 
tions have  been  made  by  the  Porte  to 
the  Quai  d'Orsay  in  respect  of  the 
recent  mobbing  of  wearers  of  harem 

costumes  in  Paris. 

*  * 

Meanwhile  the  advocates  of  the 
trouser  skirt  deny  that  ah1  is  lost,  and 
there  is  some  talk  of  trying  to  inaugu- 
rate an  All  Breeches  Shopping  Week. 

*  * 

One  great  advantage  of  the  new 
Standard  bread  seems  to  have  escaped 
the  notice  of  the  general  public.  Owing 
to  its  dark  complexion  it  does  not  show 
finger-marks.  This  should  mean  a 
considerable  saving  in  some  of  our 

minor  restaurants. 

*  * 

Dr.  HYSLOP,  late  of  Bethlem  Eoyal 
Hospital,  is  continuing  to  air  his  views 
on  the  Post-Impressionists.  In  some 
quarters  it  is  felt  that  it  is  somewhat 
unfair  to  trace  a  likeness  between  the 
works  of  these  modern  masters  and 
those  of  imbeciles,  seeing  that  the 
latter  are  not  always  in  a  position  to 
defend  themselves  against  the  charge. 

*  * 

The  new  proprietor  of  the  Strand 
Theatre,  which  has  not  hitherto  been 
too  successful,  has  decided  to  change  its 
name  to  the  Whitney.  It  seems  queer 
that  no  one  should  have  thought  of  this 
before.  It  is  quite  possible  that  the 
cause  of  its  failure  to  attain  a  succesfou 
has  now  been  discovered. 

*  * 

More  evidence  that  the  female  is  no 


V  YOU  CAN  ALWAYS  TELL  A  KENSINGTON  OIBL." 
'  YES,  BUT  YOU  CAN'T  TELL  HEK  MUCH." 


longer  the  weaker  sex !  We  quote 
from  an  account  in  The  Irish  Times 
of  a  Ball  at  Ely  House : — "  LADY 
LYTTELTON  carried  a  bouquet  of  silver 
roses,  and  Miss  COOTE  in  pale  blue." 

*  •:: 

It  is  said  that  lace  waistcoats  may 
come  into  fashion  for  men.  We  pre- 
sume that  the  cut  of  the  waistcoat  will 
be  what  is  known  in  lunacy  circles  as 
"  straight."  *  * 

* 

More  than  £600,000  worth  of 
cigarettes,  the  American  Consul  states, 
were  imported  into  Shanghai  last  year. 
They  are,  he  says,  taking  the  place  of 
opium.  It  is  doubtful,  however,  whether 

they  will  do  so  much  harm. 

*  t 

A  wealthy  Moscow  merchant  who  is 


about  to  celebrate  his  golden  wedding 
has,  we  are  told,  sent  oat  invitations 
engraved  on  thin  sheets  of  gold,  worth 
£5  each.  This  is  the  sort  of  admission 
card  which  a  mean  host  requires  the 
guest  to  bring  with  him  and  give  up 
at  the  door.  *  * 

* 

An  advertisement  says  there  are  "7 

Days  and  7  Ways  of  enjoying  

Sardines.  Monday  for  breakfast, 
Tuesday  for  tea,  Wednesday  as  hors 
d'ceuvre,  Thursday  on  toast,  Friday  as 

fish "    Wehavesometimes  heard 

it  alleged  that  sardines  are  not  always 
sardines,  but  we  did  think  that  they 
were  invariably  fish. 

Warning  to   Morning    Post    contri- 
butors : — Wire  WABE  1 


VOL    CXL. 


146 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  1,  1911. 


HUMOURS   OF  ANNEXATION. 

Dedicated  to   Messrs.  TAFT  and  KNOX. 

[Mr.  KNOX,  U.S.A.  Secretary  of  State,  at  a  dinner  given  i 
Washington  in  hia  honour,  is  reported  to  have  interrupted  t) 
I'r.EsiimsT's  speech  with  the  following  witticism  :  "Look  out,  they 
think  next  we're  after  Australia."  (Laughter.)  Stnng  to  emulatio 
liy  this  jeu  d'ttprit,  Mr.  TAFT  is  alleged  to  have  remarked  :  "  If  we  ar 
guing  to  embark  on  the  annexation  business,  we  must  at  the  earlics 
opportunity  annex  the  Aurora  borealis."  Further  laughter  was  pro 
rand  by  this  rally.] 

\ViiEX  a  talk  of  wiping  up  a  sister  nation 

Sent  a  flutter  round  the  Ministerial  camp ; 
When  there  broke,  in  fact,  a  cry  for  annexation 

Through  the  nostrils  of  a  party  known  as  CHAMP; 
In  the  course  of  honorific  Saturnalia, 

He  for  whom  they  felled  the  fatted  ox 
Calculated  they  would  soon  absorb  Australia, 

And  the  laughter  set  'em  shaking  in  their  socks 

At  the  persiflage  of  Secretary  KNOX. 

Close  upon  that  elemental  flash  of  humour 

Came  an  effort  from  another  local  wit, 
One  by  whom,  if  we  may  credit  native  rumour, 

After-dinner  sides  are  regularly  split ; 
"  Following  up,"  said  he,  "  its  via  triumphalis, 

Lo,  our  Eagle — every  plume  become  a  shaft — 
Will  at  once  annex  Aurora  Borealis !  " 

And  the  feasters,  full  and  generous,  loudly  laughed 

At  the  badinage  of  bully  BILLY  TAFT. 

Thus  the  shameless  CHAMP  has  had  his  notion  shivered 
By  the  ridicule  that  cracks  a  folly's  crust, 

Yet  so  lightly  and  so  gracefully  delivered 
That  a  smile  adorns  his  features  in  the  dust ; 

Ay,  and  we,  who  may  not  hope  to  touch  these  levels, 
Feel  a  natural  envy  gnaw  our  British  breast, 

When  we  read  about  the  mirth  that  marked  their  revels, 
When  we  think  that  even  we  might  learn  to  jest, 
Sitting  there  imbibing  humour  of  the  best.        0.  S. 


AT  THE   SIGN   OF  THE   HARROW. 

Apologies  to  the  Conductors  of  "  At  the  Sign  of  the  Plough  "  in 
"  The  Cornhill  " 


II.  ON  THE  LIFE  OP  JUSTICE  ONOOCOOL  CHTJNDEB 

MOOKERJEE. 

1.  WHAT  was  the  comment  of  little  Mookerjee's  Moulovee, 
"senile  as  he  was  and  grown  grey  in  the  profession  of  a 
tutor,"  upon  his  pupil's  extraordinary  precocity  ?    Answer  : 
That  "it  was  to  him  quite  a  wonderment  wrought  by  a 
little  mechanism  of  flesh  and  blood." 

2.  Did  Mookerjee  show  any  quarrelsome  or  resentful 
tendencies  as  a  schoolboy  ?    Answer  :  No.     "  Little  Mook- 
erjee never  had  a  snip-snap  with  any  of  his  college  boys 
and  was  indeed  of  so  forbearing  a  disposition  that  he  would 
not    even  notice    what    impulsive   natures    would   have 
signally  retaliated  as  an  insult." 

^3.  In  what  manner  did  he  protest  when  "a  Cyclopean 
English  sailor"  came  out  of  the  Ochterlony  monument 
and,  after  giving  him  "  a  severe  blow  on  his  head  which 
rendered  him  impercipient  for  a  few  moments,"  referred  to 
him  _  as  a  "  mggar  "  ?  Answer  :  It  ••  stung  little  Mookerjee 

the  quick,  and  he  addressed  his  rude  assailant  for  more 
than  an  hour  .  .  .  enlarging  on  the  duty  of  regarding  all 
men  as  fellow-brethren." 

4.  Was   the  family  left  well-  or  ill-provided  for  at  his 

thers  decease?  Answer:  "The  family  was  threatened 
with  Barmecide  feast." 

5  What  was  Onoocool  Chunder's  "first  business  on 
g  an  income"?  Answer:  "To  extricate  his  family 


from  the  difficulties  in  which  it  had  been  lately  enwrapped 
and  to  restore  happiness  and  sunshine  to  those  sweet  and 
well-beloved  faces  on  which  he  had  not  seen  the  soft  and 
fascinating  beams  of  a  simper  for  many  a  grim-visaged 
year." 

6.  How  was  his  health  affected  in  July,  1869?    Answer: 
"  He  was  attacked  with  a  doloriferous  boil." 

7.  Would  you  say  that  he  was,  or  was  not,  "  orthodox 
to  that  pitch,  as  there  are  many  Bramins  now  who,  after 
having  perpetrated  heaps   of  the  lowest   dregs   of  vice, 
would  go  and  bathe  once  in  the  Ganges  .  .  .  having   a 
faith  in  that  stream  as  one  having  the  power  to  absterse 
one's  heart  from  sin,  they  will  go  on  committing  sin  till 
they  pop  off"?    Answer:    He  was  not.     "He  had   no 
such  troth  in  the  Ganges  and  feared  the  very  name  of  sin." 

8.  Give  some   description   of   his  personal  appearance. 
Answer :  "  When  a  boy  he  was  filamentous,  but  gradually 
in  the  course  of  time  he  became  plump  as  a  partridge  .  .  . 
He  was  neither  a  Brobdignagian  nor  a  Liliputian,  but  a 
man  of  mediocre  size,  fair  complexion,  well-shaped  nose, 
bazel  eyes,  and  ears  well  proportioned  to  the  face,  which 
was  of  a  little  round  cut  with  a  wide  front  and  rubiform 
:ips.     He  had  moulded  arms  and  legs,  and  the  palms  of  his 
lands   and  feet  were  very  small  and   thick   with   their 
srpportionate  lingers.     His  head   was  large,  it  had  very 
ihin  hairs  on  it ;  and  he  had  a  moustache  not  close  set  and 
a  little  brownish  on  the  top  of  his  upper  lip." 

9.  In  what  condition  did   he  make  his  last  exit   from 
lis  court  ?    Answer :  "  He  left  like  a  toad  under  a  harrow." 

10.  How  may   we  ascerta:n  from  Justice   Mookerjee's 
own  statement  the  age  at  which  his  father  died  ?     Answer  : 

'  My  father  went  to  reside  with  the  morning  stars  at  about 
ihis  age  of  mine."  (Last  words  of  Justice  Mookerjee,  who 
s  stated  by  his  biographer  to  have  departed  this  life  at  the 
,ge  of  forty-two.) 

11.  What  effect  had  "  the  doctors'  puissance  and  knack 
if  medical  knowledge  "   on  their  patient  ?    Answer :  "  It 

proved,  after  all,  as  if  to  milk  the  ram  ...  He  remained 
otto  voce  for  a  few  hours  and  then  went  to  God  at  about 
6  P.M." 

12.  Describe  the  condition  of  his  home  after  his  decease. 
Answer :  "  The  house  presented  a  second  Babel  or  a  pretty 
kettle  of  fish." 

In  the  opinion  of  Mr.  Punch,  the  best  set  of  answers 
was  received  from  Sooshen   Sheekhur  Pukkabhoy,  Esq., 
6,  Cheechy  Terrace,  Bayswater,  W.  F.  A. 


Another  Event  of  the  Coronation  Year. 

From  a  pamphlet  :  — 

"We  are  enthralled  by  a  two-lieaded  dragon.  With  one  maw  it 
rotects  the  dog  in  the  manger,  w:th  the  other  it  attacks  improve- 
> 


> 
Jp  maws  and  at  them  ! 


"Until  children  get  accustomed  to  the  oil,  they  take  it  more  easily 
the  nose  is  pinched  when  it  is  offered  to  them."—  Oar  Home. 
nd  still  more  easily  if  the  leg  is  pulled  and  the  oil  offered 
o  them  as  golden  syrup. 

"Improving    a    coroner    in    the  borough    of    Dunstable.      Cost 
1,1/0.     Grant,  £390.  "—  Liverpool  Daily  Post. 

ie  must  have   been   very  bad;    even    worse   than   they 
lought. 

"  Wmsr  DKIVE  AND  SUPPER, 
AT  ELMS  HOTEL.  BARE. 

DRESS  OPTIONAL." 
For  once  this  last  line  comes  as  rather  a  relief. 


fa 
O 


H 

3 
O 


S3 

3 


e 

^ 

o 


--- 

- 


CO 


O 

g 

HH 
O 


W    H 
55    J 

«    g 

M       O 
M 

P5 


O 

J  03 

—  H 

W  >• 

fa  pq 


co 

H    PH 

a  g 
o  o 

H    O 

m 

fa 


"9 


i§ 

"—i  < 
f*  -r 

si 


CQ 


M"\i:<-ll    1,    1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


149 


Wife  (to  husband  irko,  in  endeavouring  to  gel  her  ball  from  tht  •middle  of  the  river,   hot  fatten  of  the  bridge).    " THAT'S  A  GOOD 
IDEA,  ARCHIE  ;  KOW  YOU  'tL  EASILY  BE  ABLE  TO  GET  IT." 


LEAVING  NOTHING  TO  CHANCE. 

"He [the late  Mr.  MARION  CRAWFORD]  was  so 
scrupulous  that  he  would  not  write  about  any 
subject  of  which  he  had  not  personally  and 
practically  mastered  the  details.  '  A  Roman 
.Singer  '  was  the  outcome  of  years  of  familiarity 
with  the  music.il  life  of  Rome  ;  for  '  Maiietta  : 
a  Maid  of  Venice '  he  went  into  every  process 
of  Venetian  glass  work  on  the  spot.  In  order 
to  write  '  Marzio's  Crucifix '  Crawford  became 
a  silversmith,  making  his  own  designs  and 
beating  them  out  in  the  metal  in  lovely  classic 
forms.  For  'The  Witch  of  Prague'  he  went 
and  lived  in  that  city  and  learned  Bohemian, 
whirli  Mrs.  Hugh  Fraser  says  was  the  seven- 
teenth language  he  had  acquired." 

H'estmiiisttr  Gazette. 

WITH  this  example  before  them  some 
of  our  more  energetic  novelists  are 
already  deep  in  their  autumn  campaign. 
Mr.  ARNOLD  BENNETT  has  just  begun 
a  trifle  of  some  260,000  words,  which  lie 
will  have  ready  by  April,  the  only  delay 
being  due  to  the  difficulty  of  obtaining 
a  first-hand  knowledge  of  the  inner 
life  of  an  Oswestry  house-agent  in  the 
comparatively  brief  time  at  his  dis- 
posal. He  is,  however,  confident  of 
success. 

Mr.  SILAS  K.  HOCKING,  whose  name 
has  been  not  inaptly  described  as  more 
A  mericanthan  the  Americans,  is  making 
a  departure  in  fiction,  his  next  book 
being  devoted  to  an  intimate  study  of 


the  Smart  Set.  With  this  object  in  view 
he  has  taken  a  suite  of  rooms  in  a  Gower 
Street  boarding  house  and  a  season 
ticket  for  the  Brondesbury  Rink.  A 
human  document  of  unusual  value  and 
courage  ia  anticipated. 

Mr.  E.  M.  FORSTER,  in  order  to  prepare 
for  his  next  novel,  Norfolk's  Treat,  is 
adding  a  new  and  more  comfortable 
arm-chair  to  his  study. 

The  CHEVALIER  LE  QUEUX,  whose 
accuracy  is  only  equalled  by  his 
distinction,  has  taken  rooms  in  Sidney 
Street  in  order  that  nothing  actual 
may  be  lacking  from  his  forthcoming 
romance  of  anarchy,  which  will  be 
entitled  The  Radium  Bomb. 

There  is  no  truth  in  the  rumour  that 
in  order  to  fit  himself  for  his  new  novel 
Mr.  HENRY  JAMES  is  attending  a  series 
of  classes  on  elementary  syntax. 

Considerable  anxiety  is  felt  by  the 
friends  of  Mr.  E.  S.  HICHENS  at  the 
startling  news  which  has  reached  them 
from  Taormina.  In  order  to  get  an 
inside  view  of  the  operations  of  the 
Sicilian  brigands  for  his  next  romance, 
Mr.  HICHENS  has  joined  one  of  the  most 
active  bands  under  the  picturesque  alias 
of  Malatesta  Spaghetti. 

Undeterred  by  the  criticism  passed 
on  his  humanitarian  methods  by  a 


writer  in  the  Nineteenth  Century,  Mr. 
JOHN  GALSWORTHY  has,  so  we  are 
assured,  been  recently  seen  in  the 
picturesque  garb  of  a  Dartmoor  shep- 
herd in  the  neighbourhood  of  Chagford, 
where  he  is  engaged  on  his  new  play, 
entitled  Preventive  Detention. 

The  prowess  of  Mr.  E.  PHILLIPS 
OPPENHEIM  on  the  Norfolk  links  is 
well  known.  With  the  view,  however, 
of  lending  an  intimate  touch  to  his 
new  novel  he  lias  apprenticed  himself 
to  a  well-known  club-maker  at  St. 
Andrews.  The  title  of  his  forthcoming 
romance  is  The  Schenectady  Mystery, 
in  which  a  Scotch  professional  is  un- 
justly accused  of  murdering  a  rival 
with  the  deadly  weapon  in  question. 

"The  Crown  Prince,  accompanied  by  Sir  John 
Hewett,  reached  Alliliabad  on  Wedir'.«toy 
evening  from  the  shooting  camp  in  the 
Mirzapur  District.  The  last  day's  siioot  was 
most  successful,  a  tigress  and  two  cabs  f;i!ling 
to  the  Prince's  rille." — The  Pioneer. 

Motor  buses,  of  course,  are  very  wild 
this  year. 

Gilding  Refined  Gold. 
From  an  advt.  for  a  partner : — 

"Solicitors'  references  required  from  honour- 
able gentlemen  only." — liritisli  Journal  of 


ISO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH.  1,    1911. 


HAROLD  IN   INDIA. 

(Mr.    HAKC.I  n    I'.K.M.IK.    the  cii'ujjist  of  Mr. 

QIOBOK,  tin'  interpreter- of  Sir  OLIVER 

.111.1    the  i-lin!iii>ion  of   the  opmuaa 

hind  labourer,   is  visiting  India  for  the 

mi1.  | 

TIIKHI:  is  bliss  on   the  banks   of   the 
Ganges, 

There  is  glee  in  the  vales  of  Assam, 
There  is  mirth  in  the  halls  that  are 
RANJI'S 

And  joy  in  the  heart  of  their  Jam. 
The  bazaars  of  remote  Tinnevelly 

Resound  with  the  din  of  the  drum, 
And    they  're    holding    high    revel  at 
Delhi, 

For  BEGBIE  has  come ! 
Will  they  make  him  a  Rajah,  I  wonder., 

And  grant  him  a  special  salute? 
Will  he  hold  a  Durbar  at  Secunder- 

abad,  or  prefer  to  be  mute? 
\Yill  the  morals  of  Simla  distress  him? 

\ViIl  he  highly  approve  of  the  Taj  ? 
Will    he   visit    Lord    HABDINGE    and 
bless  him, 

Or  boycott  the  Raj  ? 

Will  he  scale  with  the  ease  of  a  squirrel 

The  perilous  peaks  of  Nepal  ? 
Will  he  back  Mr.  VALENTINE  CHIROL, 
Will  ho  stand  by  KEIR  HAUDIE,  or 

fall?  , 

Will  he  traverse  the  passes  of  Sikkim? 
Will  he  track  the  wild  ass*  to  his 

lair? 
When   he  sees  the  wild  pig,  will  he 

stick  him, 
Or  will  he  forbear  ?  '  , 

Will  the  Akhond  of  Swat's  jubilation 

Be  pleasant  or  painful  to  see? 
Will  the  Begums  of  Oude  in  rotation 

Invite  him  to  afternoon  tea  ? 
Will  he  cross  to  Colombo  and  Kandy 

By  boat  or  by  aeroplane  ? 
Will  he  mount  to  the  hills  in  a  dandy 

Or  travel  by  train? 

I  know  not ;  but  this  I  am  sure  of — 

A  man  of  his  stamp  and  his  school 
Is  bound  to  discover  the  cure  of 

Whatever  is  wrong  with  our  rule. 
And  his  style  in  its  tropical  fervour 

Will  wholly  outdazzle  Tlie  Mail, 
And  make  the  full-blooded  Observer 

Look  perfectly  pale. 

For  there 's  none  who  can  ladle  out 

butter 

So  deftly  on  demagogues'  heads ; 
There  is   none  who  on  snipe  of  the 

gutter 

A  richer  eulogium  sheds. 
There  is  none  so  unbridled  in  praising 
The    aims    of    St.    DAVID    LLOYD 
GEORGE  ; 

"ThcwiH  a-s  .  .  .  is  confined  to  the  sandy 
desirts  of  Sind  and  Cuton,   wl.erc,   fiom  its 
Npeed  ami  timility,  it  is  almost  unapproach- 
able.'— Sneyelofailia    Britannica.    vol.    x  v 
\>.  380. 


There  is  none  more  efficient  in  raising 

A  delicate  gorge. 
He  will  tell  without  any  compunction 

The  steepest  of  tales  of  the  plains, 
And  discourse  with  impartial  unction 

Of  rajahs  and  ryots  and  rains ; 
The  jungle  will  gather  new  glories 

When  BEOBIE  hasthrjaded  its  brakes, 
And  gleaned  a  new  budget  of  stories 

Of  tigers  and  snakes. 
But  what  India  gains  by  his  teaching 

We  lose  while  oui-  HAROLD  's  away ; 
And  Pears,  undeterred  by  his  preaching, 

Will  resume  their  nefarious  sway. 
Unabashed  by  the  Savonarola 

Who  lashes  the  sins  of  the  age, 
They  '11  play  on  the  godless  pianola 

And  wildly  rampage. 
So  when  he  has  fittingly  carolled 

The  praise  of  the  fabulous  Kast 
We  '11  hail  the  return  of  our  HAROLD, 

Democracy's  lyric  high  priest. 
For  while  he  is  absent  there  shineth 

No  star  on  the  pathway  of  Hodge, 
And,  reft  of  his  trumpeter,  pineth 

Sir  OLIVER  LODGE. 


ROSY. 

"  AND  how  did  the  new  horse  go  ?  " 
I  asked  in  the  intervals  of  puffing  at 
the  spirit  lamp. 

"-Like  that."  The  youngest  subal- 
tern nodded  grimly.  . 

"  Like  what  ?  " 

".Like  you  sound  blowing  out  the 
thingamy." 

I  offered  him  the  sympathy  of  a 
great  silence  and  a  cup  of  tea. 

"  It  wasn't  obvious,  was  it — not  as 
if  she  'd  had  a  spavin  or  been  fired  for 
curby  hocks  or  anything  like  that  ?  It 
was  all  inside,  you  know,  and  the  hair 
on  her  beastly  face  prevented  one  from 
seeing  that  she  was  pale  or  anything. 
She  was  a  nice-looking  mare,  wasn't 
she  ?  " 

I  assured  him  that  I  had  never  seen 
an  animal  with  a  sweeter  expression  or 
a  better  permanent  wave  in  her  tail. 

"  And  yet,  after  all,  I  'd  have  done 
better  to  stick  to  the  twelve-pounder — 
but  one  never  knows." 

"  Two  might  have,"  I  said,  "  if  one 
had  been  a  vet." 

He  seemed  a  trifle  hurt  at  that,  so  I 
played  a  mollifying  question  upon  him. 

"  What  have  you  called  her?  " 

"Rose,"  he  made  answer  softly,  and 
appeared  red-faced  from   hunting   hi 
tea-spoon,    which    had    taken    cover 
behind  the  right-hand  back  leg  of  his 
chair. 

"Rose?" 

He  grinned  painfully,  and  the  exi- 
gencies of  his  dejected  attitude  revealed 
the  startling  fact  that  he  was  wearing 
pink  socks.  I  looked  up,  and  my 


iyes  were  confronted  by  a  purple  neck- 
ie.     I  was  not  mistaken. 

"  You  are  in  trouble,  my  friend  ?  " 

He  nodded  wearily. 

"I  had  named  her  after  Rosy 
O'Oallian."  He  hung  his  well-oiled 
young  head. 

"  Did  she  seem  pleased  ?  " 

"Pleased?"  He  put  his  tea-cup 
nto  safety  and  shrugged  his  shoulders. 

"That  isn't  the  worst  of  it,  though. 
[  went  to  the  meet  yesterday  a  hopeful, 
mppy  man;  to-day  I  know  that  my 
nare  isn't  as  sound  as  a  worn-out 
hairy,'  that  the  prettiest  girl  in  the 
ounty  is  laughing  at  me  and  that  her 
mother  is  thirsting  for  my  blood." 

"  Lady  O'Callian  ?  " 

"  Yes.  It  happened  like  this.  We 
lad  one  short  run  and  lost  again.  I 
was  beginning  to  find  out  what  my 
jrute  was  made  of — in  fact  she  was 
pretty  well  confiding  it  to  the  whole 
ield — and  when  I  rode  up  to  Rosy 
whilst  we  were  waiting  at  the  next 
covert  she  would  pretend  that  my  poor 
brute  was  a  motor — said  that  so  long 
as  my  engine  was  making  such  a  noise 
I  shouldn't  need  to  sound  the  horn." 

"  I  se3.  And  did  she  know  about 
the  mare's  name  then?  " 

"  Yes,  I  had  told  her  at  the  meet." 

"  And  she  wasn't  flattered?  " 

"  I  don't  believe  she  was.  She  said 
it  was  rather  an  anachronism  ;  seemed 
to  think  it  was  a  bit  rough  on  her,  and 
asked  me  if  I  'd  mind  telling  people 
that  it  was  the  other  way  round  and 
they  had  named  her  after  the  horse." 

I  pressed  a  tea-cake  upon  him  and 
awoke  him  from  a  mournful  reverie. 

"  What 's  in  a  name  ?  "  I  asked  him. 

"  A  good  deal.  What  was  I  telling 
you — about  the  run?  Well,  you  can 
guess  that  after  Rosy  had  said  that 
about  the  horn  I  didn't  feel  over-cheer- 
ful, and  when  the  fox  broke  at  last  I 
thought  I  'd  make  just  one  effort  not  to 
look  quite  such  a  fool.  We  had  a' 
brisk  quarter-of-an-hour,  and  it  seemed 
to  me  that  pretty  well  all  the  field; 
went  by  me.  Then  they  checked  again,' 
and,  when  the  stragglers  came  up,  for' 
a  wonder  Rosy's  mother  was  among 
them  and  simply  covered  with  mud." 

"  Well,  if  she  was  covered  with  mud, 
somebody  must  be  due  to  alter  his 
land  valuation  forms,  I  think."  I 
made  the  remark  as  an  interjection, 
and  he  disregarded  it. 

"  Lady  O'Callian  came  straight  up 
to  me  and  spoke.  '  Mr.  Smithson,' 
she  said,  '  do  you  call  yourself  ? '  I 
explained  to  her  that  I  never  call 
myself;  that  I  always  leave  it  to  my 
servant  to  wake  me  when  he  brings 
my  shaving  water.  '  I  mean,  is  it 
'  Smithson '  your  friends  call  you  ?  '  she 


MARCH  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


101 


went  on,  and  her  face  grew  red. 
really  had  bi>gun  to  fei-1  awfully  pleased 
by  her  coming  to  ask  nil  those  Inrmlly 
little  questions,  and  I  told  her  that 
though  some  of  my  friends  call  mo 
'  Smithson  '  I  like  it  host  when  they 
make  it  '  Freddy.'  " 

"  Do  you?"  she  said.  "Well,  let  mo 
assure  you,  young  man,  that  I  don't 
like  such  familiarities,  and  I  won't 
have  you  calling  me  by  my  Christian 
name,  or  swearing  at  mo  either,  so 
take  care  of  that." 

".I  told  her  that  I  had  never  done 
such  a  thing  in  all  my  life." 

"Oh!"  she  said;  "then  what  was 
that  you  said  when  I  'd  taken  a  toss 
into  the  ditch  a  couple  of  fields  beyond 
there,  and  you  jumped  right  over  me, 
if  it  wasn't '  Get  up,  liosy,  you  old  fool ! ' 
— tell  me  that." 

"  Awful !  Did  she  believe  when  you 
explained  about  the  horse?" 

He  shook  his  head.  "  I  couldn't 
very  well ! " 

"  Of  course  her  name  is  '  Eosy '  too  1 
You  hadn't  dreamed  that  she  was 
lying  there." 

"  No ;  it  was  perfectly  true.  Do 
you  think  I  like  the  idea  of  jumping 
over  Bosy's  mother?  It  'a  not — nice." 
The  youngest  subaltern  sighed  as  he 
got  up  to  go.  "  It 's  over,"  he  said 
sadly.  "  My  day 's  done,  my  dream  's 
finished ;  I  'm  a  miserable  outcast,  and, 
as  the  poet  Johnnies  say,  troubles 
never  come  singly.  I  *ve  lost  my  flask." 


THE  DUN  MOW  DOODLE-DOO. 

THERE  is  good  news  for  the  lovers  of 
animal  and  mechanical  noise,  for  the 
first  public  cock-crowing  competition 
in  England  is  to  be  held  at  Dunmow 
shortly,  under  the  auspices  of  the 
district  poultry  association.  The  donor 
of  the  first  prize,  Mr.  J.  W.  EOBERTSON 
SCOTT,  of  Great  Canfield,  stated  the 
other  day  that  in  Belgium  he  found 
such  competitions  for  cockerels  to  be 
very  popular  and  useful,  presenting  all 
the  excitement  of  cock-fighting  without 
the  brutality. 

However,  the  cockerels  are  not  going 
to  have  it  all  their  own  way  in  rural 
Essex.  Already  we  hear  of  a  dog- 
harking  tournament,  promoted  by  tha 
Ladies'  Kennel  Club  of  Great  Baddow. 
A  sine  quA  non  for  entry  is  that  the 
competitor's  voice  shall  be  able  to 
carry  as  far  as  Chelmsford,  three  miles 
off,  and  wake  the  inhabitants  thereof 
on  a  still,  moonlight  night. 

As  a  counterblast  to  this,  the  little 
village  of  Matching,  not  far  away,  has 
developed  a  promising  feline  orchestra 
of  entirely  local  talent.  After  pains- 
taking selection  and  weeding-out  of 
inefficient  performers,  the  impresario 


Voice  from  Beloie.    "HAROLD,  Toff  MUSTN'T  INTERRUPT  TH«  PLUM  BIBS  AT  THEIR  WORK 
DEAR." 
Harold.   "IT'S  ALL  RIGHT,  MOTHER.    I'M  ONLY  TALKING  TO  TH«  MAS  WHO  SITS  ON  Tn« 

STAIRS   AND   DOES  KOTUINO." 


has  succeedod  in  getting  together  a 
quartet  of  tomcats  of  very  powerful 
timbre,  and  the  rest  of  the  village  are 
of  opinion  that  he  ought  to  take  them 
on  tour.  They  are  therefore  open  to 
engagements  to  execute  serenades  and 
aubades  in  town  or  country.  Strictly 
refined.  Special  terms  for  Charities 
and  Hospitals. 

In  West  Ham,  too,  the  leading 
costermongers  are  bestirring  them- 
selves. A  donkey-braying  competition 
has  just  been  organised,  the  prize 
carrot  going  to  the  entrant  whose 
musical  effort  is  longest  sustained 
and  has  a  dying  fall  of  the  deepest 
melancholy.  The  voice-trials  are 
voted  to  be  very  good  sport,  and  far 
more  harmonious  and  stimulating  than 
the  debates  of  the  borough  council. 


The  organ-grinders  of  Saffron  Hill, 
encouraged  also  by  recent  dicta  of 
Mr.  PLOWDEN,  are  holding  a  similar 
contest.  The  instrument  which  drowns 
all  the  rest  will  receive  special  per- 
mission to  play  outside  Marylebone 
Police  Court  during  the  hours  of 
session.  The  artiste,  it  is  thought, 
will  be  improving  the  stamina  and 
powers  of  resistance  of  the  presiding 
magistrate  and  other  parties  in  court, 
and  will  be  amply  rewarded  by  the 
sallies  from  the  bench,  when  duly 
interpreted.  ZIQ-ZAQ. 

Peers  below  Par. 

The  Lethbridge  Daily  Herald  refers 
to  the  recent  marriage  of  Miss  ZENA 
DARE  with  "  the  second  son  of  Discount 
Esher." 


152 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  1,  1911. 


THE   ALTRUISTS. 

CHAPTER  I. 

THE  Manager  knocked  at  the  door 
of  the  editorial  sanctum  and  came  in 
briskly. 

"  Ah,"  said  the  Editor,  "  here  you 
are.  Good.  Help  yourself." 

Tho  Manager  sat  down  and  helped 
himself. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Editor,  "  you  sec 
how  it  is.  Our  campaign  on  behalf  of 
Standard  Butter,  including  the — er — 
he  glanced  at  a  copy  of  his  paper — 
"ah,  yes,  the  salt  and  the  yellow 
ochre,  has  certainly  done  an  immense 
amount  of  good  to  the  country " 

"  And  to  ourselves,"  put  in  the 
Manager  tactlessly.  "  The  butter 
advertisements  last  week  came  to " 

The  Editor  looked  at  him  blankly. 

"  But  there  comes  a  point  where  one's 
influence  ceases." 

"  Yes,"  sighed- the  Manager.  "  This 
week  they  only  came  to " 

The  Editor  coughed  and  turned  to 
his  desk.  "  I  sketched  out  a  little  idea 
this  morning,"  he  went  on,  "which  might 
keep  up  the  interest  for  a  few  days 
longer.  It's  just  an  imaginary  con- 
versation and  goes  like  this :  '  The 
following  dialogue  was  overheard  at 
a  well-known  West-end  dairyman's 
yesterday  afternoon : — 

Lady  Blank.  Will  you  send  up  six 
pounds  of  butter  to  Berkeley  Square 
to-morrow,  instead  of  the  usual  four  ? 

Dairyman.  Certainly,  my  lady.  (To 
Assistant)  Six  pounds  of  butter  for 
Lady  Blank.' 

"  And  then  we  could  put  a  little  note 
underneath,  something  in  this  manner : 
•  The  above  is  typical  of  what  is  going 
on  every  day  in  the  West-end  of 
London.  The  denizens  of  Park  Lane, 
Curzon  Street  and  Cadogan  Square  are 
as  insistent  upon  Standard  Butter  as 
are  families  in  less  fashionable  parts 
of  the  Metropolis."  You  see  what  I 
mean  ?  " 

"  Good,"  said  the  Manager. 

"It  was  just  an  idea,"  said  the 
Editor  modestly.  "  It  occurred  to  me 
in  the  train.  But  it  is  time  we  thought 
of  something  eke.  Something  entirely 
new.  Now  have  you  any  ideas  ?  " 

The  Manager  thought  profoundly. 

"  What  about  Standard  Jam  ?  "  he 
said  at  last,  "  including  the  raspberry 
and  eighty  per  cent,  of  the  splinters." 

"No,  no,"  said  the  Editor  im- 
patiently. "  Something  on  entirely 
different  lines." 

The  Manager  thought  again. 

"  Of  course,"  the  Editor  went  on, 
"  we  can  always  fall  back  on  a  com- 
petition of  some  kind.  You  increase 
the  intelligence  of  the  country — " 

"  And  the  circulation." 


"  But  the  chief  question  is,  what  sort 
of  competition ?  " 

"Ah!" 

"  Well,  there  it  is.  Think  it  over,  will 
you  ?  And  ask  Parsons,  lie  's  full  of 
ideas.  Hallo,  I  must  be  off."  And  he 
went  out  to  lunch. 

CHAPTER  II. 

"Well?"  said  the  Editor  next  day. 

"  How  do  you  grow  carrots  ?  "  asked 
the  Manager. 

"I  don't  know, "said  the  Editor  coldly. 
"  I  suppose  in  the  ground.  Why  ?  " 

"  It  was  Parsons'  idea.  He  said  we 
might  give  a  prize  for  the  best  bunch 
of  carrots.  I  don't  quite  know  what 
he  meant." 

"  If  Parsons  tries  to  be  funny  again 
in  this  office  he  '11  have  to  go.  We  've 
warned  him  once  before." 

"  Still,"  persisted  the  Manager, 
"there  is  something  in  the  idea. 
Carrots  come  from  seeds,  don't  they  ?  " 

"  I  dare  say,"  said  the  Editor 
indifferently. 

"  Well,  if  we  gave  a  prize  for  the 
best  bunch  of  carrots — of  not  less  than 
twelve  sprays,  Parsons  says — then  the 
people  who  went  in  for  it  would  naturally 
want  to  buy  seeds  and — and  loam  and 
things.  And  so  the  people  who  had 
seeds  and  loam  to  sell  would  naturally 
want  to • " 

"I  see,"  the  Editor  interrupted  hastily. 
"  You  mean  that  we  should  stimulate 
the  small  gardener  and  instil  a  love  of 
nature  in  the  hearts  of  the  people  ?  " 

"  Er — yes.    That 's  what  I  meant." 

"  It  had  better  be  a  flower,  I  think." 

"  Buttercups  or  chrysanthemums  or 
something,"  said  the  Manager  vaguely. 

"  What  did  we  decide  was  going  to 
be  the  Coronation  flower  ?  "  asked  the 
Editor  suddenly.  "Was  it  the  pansy?" 

"  Eose,  wasn't  it  ?  " 

"  Well,  we  can   find  out   from — 
Ah,  now  I  remember.     The  carnation." 

"  Why  carnation  ?  " 

"I  haven't  an  idea.  These  things 
have  to  be  decided  somchoiv.  Well, 
then,  there  we  are." 

CHAPTER  III. 

"The  announcement  we  made  yester- 
day of  a  prize  of  £1,000,000  for  the 
best  bunch  of  carnations,  including 
not  more  than  twelve  spikes,  has  been 
received  with  startling  enthusiasm  by 
all  the  seedsmen  of  the  Empire.  A  very 
pleasing  feature  of  the  correspondence 
which  poured  in  yesterday  was  the 
number  of  congratulations  from  well- 
known  firms.  A  still  more  pleasing 
feature,  however,  was  the  number  of 
advertisements. 

"  The  competition  is  especially  one 
for  the  London  grower,  carnations 
baing  notoriously  partial  to  smoke.  It 


is  even  more  especially  one  for  the 
country  grower,  who  can  give  his 
carnations  the  open  air  and  exercise  of 
which  they  are  so  much  in  need.  It 
is  generally  considered,  however,  that 
the  suburban  gardener  will  stand  the 
best  chance,  as  this  delicate  flower, 
with  its  fondness  for  animal  society, 
thrives  most  strongly  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood of  cats. 

"  It  is  hoped  that  a  feeling  of  loyalty 
(carnations  being  the  Coronation  flower) 
will  induce  everybody  to  enter  for  this 
competition.  You  may  not  win  the 
great  prize,  you  may  not  even  win  a 
medal,  but  our  advertisers  will  at  least 
have  the  consolation  of  knowing  that 
you  have  bought  a  packet  of  seeds." 

The  Editor  put  down  his  proof  and 
rang  the  bell.  "  Who  wrote  this  and 
gave  the  whole  show  away  ?  "  he  asked 
the  Sub-editor  sternly.  "Parsons? 
Thank  you.  Will  you  say  I  should 
like  to  speak  to  him  ?  "  A.  A.  M. 


A  TROPICAL  BIRD  BOOK. 

O  BIRDS  of  tropic  feather 
That  the  painter  binds  together, 
Gold   and  ruby,   green   and   yellow, 

saffron,  blue, 

Parrakeet,  macaw,  and  bee-bird, 
Paradise,  and  gay  South-sea  bird, 
All  a-blowing, 
And  a-glowing 
In  a  blaze  of  rainbow  hue, — 
No  such  colours  have  been  seen  since 
Eden's  Zoo  1 

Does  your  artist  set  me  dreaming 

Of  warm  tides  o'er  coral  creaming, 

Of  the  moonlight  on  the  South  Pacific 

swells, 

Of  the  palms  where  monkeys  caper, 
Of  the  tamarind  and  tapir, 
Of  gorillas, 
Or  vanillas 

In  the  vales  of  hot  Seychelles, 
And  the  paleness  of  the  orchid's  waxen 
cells  ? 

Nay,  to  me  each  gaudy  feather 
Brings  the  waiting  brown  of  heather, 
Brings  the  nip  of  Northern  Springtime, 

Northern  skies, 

Somewhere  west  away  from  Forres, 
Where  the  snow  is  in  the  corries, 
And  the  twining 
And  the  shining 
Of  the  Findhorn  in  my  eyes ; 
For  to  me  you  seem  to  speak  of  salmon 
flies! 


"The  Church  Choir  #ave  the  opening  item,  a 
glee,  '  In  the  hour  of  softened  splendour,'  which  ] 
was  followed  by  'Absence'  at  a  later  stage."— 
Surrey  Mirror. 

We   have   often  noticed  this  effect  at 
village  concerts. 


MAI«H   1, 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


169 


Thruster  (to  Good  Samaritan  who  is  with  tome  difficulty  bringing  ha  horu  bad:).    "HERE,  I  SAY,   I   wisu  YOU  WOULDN'T  JERK 

THAT  YOUNO  HORSE'S   MOUTH." 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six- Year  Niece.) 
THE  BATTLE  OP  PINKBE. 

I  DEDCATE  these  stories  to  my  afecshnate  uncle  with 
love  from  Alice  he  is  older  than  me  but  I  will  be  as  old 
as  him  sumday  and  he  will  then  kno  wot  care  I  took  of 
him  now  the  battle  that  you  are  just  going  to  read  which  is 
the  battle  of  Pinkro  between  the  French  and  the  English 
was  a  very  firce  battle,  the  English  arm3  had  5403th  men 
and  the  French  arme  had  8924th  but  the  French  King  was 
in  an  awful  state. 

But  I  must  first  tell  you  about  a  boy  whose  name  was 
James  Frederick  this  boy  was  the  son  of  the  last  King  of 
England  who  had  not  been  a  properly  King  but  had  been  an 
egsile  and  had  died  there  leeving  his  son  swiving  but  this 
son  did  not  kno  he  was  a  King  he  only  spected  it  he  was 
not  James  the  first  or  James  the  second  his  royl  name  was 
James  the  nothing  and  he  lived  by  hisself  in  a  cottage. 

One  morning  James  got  up  erly  before  brekfus  and  walked 
up  a  hill  what  he  new  and  on  the  top  of  the  hill  he  found  a 
palis  what  he  didnt  kno  so  he  said  to  hisself  sumbody  's  put 
up  this  palis  I  must  go  in  and  see  about  it  so  he  went  into 
a  meuse  salune.  There  was  a  lether  bag  on  a  table  and  when 
James  touched  it  it  broke  open  and  a  lot  of  gold  rushd  out 
Haha  said  James  stufing  the  gold  into  his  pockets  JIaha 
I  will  bie  canon  balls  with  this  but  at  this  moment  a  tal 
dark  man  with  a  bierd  burst  into  the  room  when  the  boy 
sor  the  man  he  new  he  must  make  an  escuse  so  he 
looked  at  the  man  anil  said  If  you  plees  Sir  your  chimnies 
want  sweeping  but  the  man  looked  at  him  and  said  Well  and 
your  nose  wants  wiping.  The  man  was  the  French  King 
and  after  this  they  hated  one  anuther. 


Now  I  will  get  back  to  the  battle  by  this  time  James  had 
cum  to  the  throne  and  the  French  King's  name  was 
Charles.  The  foot  soldiers  had  thire  guns  and  the  Kings 
had  thire  sords  and  helmets  and  thire  were  korprils  with 
flags.  The  French  King  was  in  grate  trouble  becas  he 
had  just  had  a  little  baby  girl  and  had  noone  to  look 
after  it  so  he  could  not  do  much  in  fighting.  One  day 
when  the  little  French  girl  was  ten  years  old  and  she 
was  playing  in  the  garden  a  soldier  came  and  said 
to  her  Were  is  the  King.  Why  she  said.  Becas  the 
English  are  coming.  What  the  English  are  coming,  go 
and  gather  up  the  arme  quick  quick.  I  can't  do  it  said 
the  soldier  runing  -at  the  same  time  I  can't  do  it  becas 
thire  trampling  down  the  corn  oh  were  is  the  King. 
The  little  girl  bagen  to  cry  oh  dear  oh  dear  were  can  he 
be. 

Left  right  Left  right. 

What  is  that  she  said  and  she  looked  round  and  she  sor 
cuming  towards  her  the  hole  English  arme. 

Oh  do  not  hurt  me  she  cried,  nelying  down  at  Jameses 
feet  and  he  did  not  take  eny  notise  of  her  but  marched  on 
throu  the  gates.  But  soon  she  herd  James  cry  out  We 
have  one  the  battle  and  King  Charles  is  ded. 

The  little  girl  did  not  mind  very  much  she  was  to  yung 
and  next  summer  she  was  marred  to  the  brave  King  of 
England  and  they  had  ten  boys  and  two  girls  and  often 
talked  of  the  battle  of  Pinkre  were  they  met  the  first  time. 
Pinkre  is  a  sitty  in  France. 


"Wardrobe  for  sale;   good  position;    rent  14s.  week." — Add.  in 
"Settling  News." 

If  it 's  anywhere  near  the  chest  of  drawers  we  '11  take  it. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  1.  1911. 


Eileen  (remembering  the  fare  of  many  air-balloons).   "  WHES  is  IT  GOING  TO  BURST?" 


THE    GREAT   WHITE    SALE. 

(By  one  who  misapprehended  the  tcords.) 


NOT  here,  not  here,  where  drapers  squander, 

In  sheer  self-sacrifice, 
Their  hoarded  goods,  I  saw  you  wander, 

But  where  eternal  ice 
Glitters  about  the  Great  White  Stick 
Found  by  Commander  PEAKY  (sic) 
I  fancied  you  a  creature  rare 
(Something  betwixt  a  seal  and  bear), 

Furry  and  far  from  nice. 

A  beast  within  whose  larder-cupboard 
Were  remnants  mouldering  long, 

A  beast  at  whom  the  sperm-whale  blubbered, 
The  walrus  ceased  his  song, — 

I  saw  you  thus,  0  Great  White  Sale  I 

Having  observed  upon  the  tail 

Of  some  one's  millinery  cart 

Those  awful  words,  but  —  bless  my  heart — 
It  seems  that  I  was  wrong. 

I  saw  you  also  by  the  hummocks 

That  formed  your  frozen  lair ; 
Stout  sailors  crawled  upon  their  stomachs 

With  dirk  and  cutlass  bare ; 
I  saw  you,  as  the  fray  began, 
Savagely  maul  them  man  by  man, 
Till  at  the  last  you,  growling,  died 
And  all  about  were  bits  of  hide, 

Buttons  and  bones  and  hair. 


It  seems  (I  sayj  I  was  mistaken ; 

That  is  the  worst  of  bards, 
The  wings  of  fancy  once  you  waken 

They  soar  for  yards  and  yards  ; 
But,  since  my  aunt,  my  good  aunt  Jana, 
Has  been  so  kind  as  to  explain 
Exactly  what  a  White  Sale  is, 
The  knowledge  of  these  mysteries 

Has  spoilt  my  house  of  cards. 

Or  has  it  ?  when  the  Muse  considers 

The  bargain-room  that  teems 
With  crowds  of  petticoated  bidders, 

The  anguish  and  the  screams, 
The  broken  armies  that  emerge, 
The  triumph  paean  and  the  dirge, — 
I  say,  when  she  considers  this 
The  Muse  is  not  so  badly  dis- 
appointed of  her  dreams. 

The  Blood,  the  Tumult,  and  the  Terror, 

The  tresses  flying  fleet 
(Although  I  placed  the  thing  by  error 

Too  far  from  Oxford  Street), 
All,  all  are  there  (I  take  it)  when, 
Torn  with  a  strength  unknown  to  men 
By  damsels  pitiless  and  pale, 
The  carcase  of  the  Great  White  Sale 
Falls  at  the  hunters'  feet. 


EVOE. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MABCH  1.  1911. 


_  —         S 

^-/-'      . 

STIFFENING   THEIK   NECKS. 

LORD  ROSEBERY.  -BETTER    STICK  TO  THESE    EXERCISES;  THEY'LL  GET    US    INTO 
PINK    OF    CONDITION    FOR    THE    SCAFFOLD." 


MARCH  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


167 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FI-.OM  THE  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.I'.) 
Ilouse  of  Commons,  Monday,  20th 
February. — "  Man  and  boy,"  said  tho 
MK.MHEB  FOB  SAUK,  "I  have  been  in 
the  House  of  Commons  forty  years. 
Have  witnessed  many  cases  of  allr^nl 
breach  of  privilege,  beginning  with  one 
in  which  CHABLES  LEWIS  had  the 
publishers  of  Tiie  Times  and  Daily 
News  haled  to  the  Bar  on  a  charge  of 
publishing  evidence  given  before  a 
Select  Committee  upstairs.  When 
they  appeared  the  Ilouse  didn't  know 
what  to  do  with  them.  After  awk- 
ward interval  the  culprits  were,  in 
effect,  begged  to  go  quietly  away, 
which,  being  fortunately  persons  of 
amiable  disposition,  they  presently 
did.  With  this  almost  unique  experi- 
ence I  solemnly  declare  I  have  never 
seen  the  House  come  out  of  breach  of 
privilege  case  without  loss  of  whatever 
may  up  to  date  have  stood  to  its 
credit." 

GINNELL  affair  no  exception  to  rule. 
IAN  MALCOLM  all  right  from  his  point 
of  view  in  bringing  obscure  case  under 
the  fierce  light  that  beats  upon  the 
SPEAKER'S  Chair.  Been  out  of  Parlia- 
ment for  some  years.  Just  back.  Must 
make  up  for  lost  time. 

But  see  what  comes  of  his  activity. 
WEDGWOOD,  who  wrote  the  obnoxious 
letter  which  GINNELL  made  haste  to 
publish  in  an  obscure  Irish  road-side 
paper,  rides  off  with  flying  colours. 
If  at  risk  of  his  own  life  he  had  saved 
the  SPEAKER'S,  he  could  not  have  been 
more  heartily  cheered  than  he  was 
when  he  read  out  retractation  of  the 
offensive  letter  and  apology  for  send- 
ing it.  Never  through  parliamentary 
career  has  been  made  so  much  of. 

As  for  GINNELL,  his  luck  passed 
bounds  of  wildest  expectation.  On 
opening  day  of  Session  he  gained 
opportunity  of  delivering  long  speech 
unfettered  by  authority  in  the  Chair. 
That  was  the  prize  of  his  own  ingenuity 
and  originality.  Eepetition  not  possible 
until  there  be  fresh  election  of  Speaker, 
when  we  shall  probably  have  half-a- 
dozen  long-suffering  cranks  taking  it 
out  of  helpless  House.  And  here,  pro- 
vuled  by  the  vigilance  of  IAN  MALCOLM, 
was  another  chance  of  .repeating,  with 
slight  variation,  the  indictment  of  the 
SPEAKER  framed  and  delivered  on  day 
of  election. 

Out  came  the  old  manuscript  written 
on  fly-sheets  of  private  correspondence. 
The  reading  made  more  embarrassing 
by  interlined  alterations,  suiting  speech 
to  altered  circumstances.  The  House, 
with  business  of  Session  before  it, 
fumed  and  fretted.  GINNELL  spared 
them  not  a  sentence,  not  a  phrase. 


EGO  ET  REX  MEUS. 

King  Henry  (Mr.  REDMOND)  relies  on  his  dear  Cardinal  (Mr.  ASO.UITH)  to  push  through 
that  little  matter  of  the  State  Divorce  with  the  least  possible  delay. 


Apologise  to  the  Chair  ?  Not  he.  On 
the  contrary,  safe  in  knowledge  of 
magnanimity  of  SPEAKER  unwilling  to 
take  advantage  of  his  authority  to 
close  the  mouth  of  a  personal  accuser, 
GINNELL  reiterated  with  emphasis  the 
specific  charges  out  of  which  the  whole 
wretched  business  grew.  In  the  end 
got  off  with  a  week's  holiday,  and  the 
pleased  satisfaction  of  having  loomed 
large  on  the  most  commanding  stage 
in  the  world,  delaying  public  business 
by  an  hour  and  a  half,  and  obtaining 
in  the  newspapers  columns  of  ad- 
vertisement whose  united  length  would 
encircle  St.  Paul's  Dome  an  indefinite 
number  of  times. 

Of  all  events  in  public  life  Lord 
MELBOURNE'S  profound  suggestion, 
"Can't  you  leave  it  alone?"  applies 
most  closely  to  cases  on  which  are 
based  charges  of  breach  of  privilege. 

Business  done.  —  Eemains  of  last 
year's  Budget  disinterred  and  further 
considered. 

Monday,  Feb.  27. — Government 
approaching  fourth  week  of  the  new 
Session.  Have  had  their  ups  and 
downs.  Most  tornadic  reverse  was 
revolt  of  Mr.  PICKEBSQILL.  Catas- 
trophe happened  on  proposal  to  take 
time  of  private  Members  up  to  Easter 
in  order  to  shove  Parliament  Bill  along. 


This  too  much  for  PICKERSGILL.  In 
spite  of  all  temptation  still  an  unofficial 
Member.  Just  a  simple,  loyal  unit  of 
the  Party,  constrained  now  to  come 
forward  and  wave  red  flag  in  dazed 
eyes  of  Treasury  Bench. 

His  speech  rather  a  mixed  argument. 
Sacrifice  of  private  Members  made  last 
year  was,  he  said,  fruitful  only  in  lead- 
ing to  Dissolution.  Ministers  drawing 
salaries  of  £5,000  a  year — "  paid  quar- 
terly," added  PICKERSGILL  in  tragic  tone 
that  plumbed  depth  of  this  enormity 
—  might  face  cost  of  Election  with 
cheerful  countenance.  But  it  was  an 
intolerable  strain  upon  resources  of 
impecunious  private  Members  who  had 
lost  their  inheritance  of  balloting  for 
precedence  before  Easter. 

In  same  delightfully  inconsequential 
fashion,  P.  confessed  that  what  pricked 
him  to  the  core  was  what  he  called 
"  bringing  into  existence  a  new  class 
of  parliamentary  private  secretaries." 
Every  Minister,  every  Sub-Minister, 
every  Deputy  Sub-Minister  had  his 
private  secretary.  As  for  WINSTON,  he, 
with  characteristic  exuberance,  "had 
two  Members  of  Parliament  dancing 
attendance  upon  him." 

"  My  constituents  at  Bethnal  Green," 
cried  P.  in  final  flood  of  tumultuous 
eloquence,  "  have  not  sent  me  to  the 


158 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  1,  1911. 


1 1  .  so  of  Commons  for  over  twenty 
years  to  bo  a  more  voting  machine  or 
to  speak  only  with  the  kiiui  permission 
of  tho  (iovornmont  licensor." 

Suborned  Members  on  Ministerial 
M  I, 'tittered.  Conservative  Party  sitting 
opposite  profoundly  impressed.  PICK- 
KKs<;iLL  claimeil  to  be  the  champion  of 
class  of  legislators  doomed  to  destruction 
by  urrogance  of  impetuous  PBKMIER. 
He  was  the  Last  of  the  Mohicans 
representing  the  independent  private 
Member.  Is  certainly  the  last  repre- 
sentative of  one  peculiar  type,  being 
only  man  left  to  us  who,  turning  body 
from  side  to  side  as  if  fixed  on  swivel, 
personally  addresses  sections  of 
audience  to  left  and  right.  Only  sur- 
viving Member  who  shakes  a  warning 
forefinger  at  the  Chair,  who  with  up- 
lifted voice  gives  full  pronunciation  to 
every  preposition  and  prefaces  every 
third  sentence  with  direct  address  to 
"  Mr.  SPEAKER." 

Crowning  charm  of  pretty  scene  was 
attitude  of  Party  opposite.  Time  was 
when  they  somewhat  unkindly  made 
PICKERSGILL  their  butt,  ironically 
applauding  his  strident  speech.  Now 
a  murmur  of  sympathy  occasionally 
broken  by  sharp  cheer  encouraged  the 
"mutineer.  WINTERTON,  rising  to  follow 
him  in  debate,  was  at  the  outset  almost 
speechless  with  emotion,  and  with 
cambric  handkerchief  dried  a  preli- 
minary tear. 

Against  this  Ministerial  rebuff  must 
be  set  the  hard  -  won  triumph  of 
MACKINNON  WOOD.  As  representative 
of  Foreign  Office  in  the  Commons 
he  was  challenged  by  the  WEARISOME 
WEDGWOOD  to  ask  whether  a  member 
of  the  British  Embassy  "  was  allowed 
to  be  present  at  the  trial  of  Dr. 
KOTOKU  and  his  wife  in  Tokio  "  upon 
a  charge  of  conspiracy.  The  UNDER- 
SECRETARY, pulling  himself  together, 
made  a  gallant  attempt  to  pronounce 
the  name  of  the  Doctor.  He  would 
probably  have  succeeded  had  it  not 
been  associated,  five  words  later, 
with  the  capital  of  Japan.  Anyone 
who  does  not  realise  the  difficulty 
of  pronouncing  the  name  Kotoku, 
immediately  followed  by  reference  to 
Tokio,  in  the  hearing  of  a  crowded 
critical  Assembly,  will  do  well  to  make 
the  attempt  in  the  privacy  of  his  room. 

MACKINNON  WOOD,  conscious  of  the 
difficulty,  rather  rushed  the  first  name, 
adding  an  unauthorised  syllable  or  two 
to  its  sufficient  number.  This  naturally 
brought  him  up  breathless  at  Tokio. 
The  combined  vocal  effort  resulted  in 
something  between  a  cough  and  a 
sneeze.  But  it  is  a  poor  spirit  that 
accepts  defeat  on  first  attempt.  For  a 
second  time  in  the  course  of  his  replv 

I  1  TT  .  ±        * 


refer  to  Dr. 
Tokio.     The 


KOTOKU 
House, 


and   his  wife  in 
now    thoroughly 


interested,  watched  and  listened  in- 
tently. Coming  slowly  up  to  the 
scratch,  instinctively  indrawing  his 
breath  as  is  the  habit  of  the  Japanese 
in  moments  of  excitement,  he  worked 
off  every  syllable  and  resumed  his  seat 
amid  a  hearty  cheer. 

Another  notable  incident  crowded 
into  the  first  three  weeks  of  the  Session 
was  the  exposure  by  Mr.  LANSBURY  of 
the  habits  of  the  working  classes  in 
respect  of  early  marriages.  Contributed 
the  information  in  course  of  debate  on 
subject  of  the  unemployed. 

"  Some  hon.  gentlemen,"  he  said, 
"  seem  to  forget  how  these  people  are 
manufactured.  I  wonder  how  the 
hon.  gentleman  " — he  was  alluding  to 
ARTHUR  WILSON — "  or  myself  would 
have  felt  if  at  twelve  years  of  age  we 
had  been  pitchforked  out  of  a  job  and 
had  wandered  about  for  several  months 
unable  to  get  work  of  any  kind, 
perhaps  with  a  wife  and  child  at  home 
starving." 

This  picture  of  ARTHUR  WILSON  and 
the  newly-elected  Member  for  Bow  and 
Bromley  wandering  about  in  petticoats, 
weighed  down  by  ineffectual  sorrow 
for  a  fireless  breadless  home,  peopled 
by  wife  and  child,  deeply  touched  an 
Assembly  which  with  all  its  short- 
comings is  ever  susceptible  to  human 
sympathy. 


A  BURNING  GRIEVANCE. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — I  have  openly 
announced  my  intention  of  writing  to 
the  papers  on  the  point,  and  you  are 
the  papers.  Quit  fooling  and  attend. 

I  write  from  the  Inner  Temple 
Library,  where  much  against  my  will 
I  am  surrounded  by  men  opening  and 
shutting  books,  scratching  their  heads, 
looking  up  the  law,  and  breathing 
stertorously.  Why  then  be  here  ? 
That  is  what  I  am  about  to  explain. 
I  pay  a  large  rent  for  half  a  room  of 
my  own,  and  yet  I  come  here  because 
I  like  to  be  near  a  nice  fire.  It  is  not 
that  I  am  niggardly.  Indeed,  but  for 
good  and  Substantial  reasons,  I  should 
now  be  sitting  in  my  half-room,  heap- 
ing on  coal  with  a  lavish  hand  and 
watching  it  burn  with  an  ungrudging 
eye — for  my  rent  includes  coal,  free. 

The  good  and  substantial  reasons 
are  the  Other  Half  and  a  universal 
truth.  The  latter  is  that,  of  the 
100,000,001  inhabitants  of  the  civilised 
world,  only  one  can  stoke  a  fire  pro- 
perly and  that  is  oneself.  (You  say 
that  is  a  trite  apothegm.  Confessing 
that  I  don't  know  what  an  apothegm 
is  and  remarking  that  it  has  a  nasty 


the  UNDER-SECBETABY  had  occasion  to  I  sound,  I  pass  on.)     The  Other  Half  is 


a  man,  like  myself,  at  the  beginning  of 
tilings;  the  sort  of  follow  who  will, 
as  I  shall,  go  mad  when  lie  sees  a  brief 
with  his  own  name  on  it.  Charming 
in  every  way  and  ever  furnished  with 
a  pouch  of  the  best  tobacco,  which  he 
leaves  forgetfully  on  the  common  table, 
lie  can  be  loved  entirely,  except  .  .  . 
yes,  he  is  one  of  the  100,000,001. 

Now  in  this  room  of  ours  there  is  a 
fireplace.  Some  happy  charwoman, 
with  none  to  dispute  her  ability  or 
harass  her  performance,  sets  it  going 
in  the  morning,  and  we  arrive  be- 
times to  enjoy  the  warmth  as  long 
as  it  lasts.  There  comes  a  moment, 
about  noon,  when  we  are  waked  up  by 
the  cold  and  someone  must  attend  to 
the  fire.  Other  Half,  though  normally 
confident  of  his  unique  skill  in  the 
matter  of  fire-stoking,  forgets  all  about 
it  till  I  approach  stealthily  to  put  a 
shovelful  on.  I  am  allowed  to  get  as 
far  as  this  in  my  operation  simply  be- 
cause even  he  has  not  the  face  to  say 
I  am  doing  it  wrong  when  I  am  not 
doing  it  at  all.  But  I  have  only  just 
begun  when  he  gets  up,  as  one  con- 
ferring a  favour,  and  says  it  will  be 
all  right,  he  will  see  to  it. 

"  Don't  you  trouble,  old  man,"  I  say. 

"  It  is  no  trouble,"  he  says,  "  and  it 
will  make  your  hands  dirty." 

"  They  are  dirty  already,  and  look 
better  so.  I  don't  mind  doing  it." 

"  Nor  do  I,"  he  answers. 

"  I  like  it." 

"  So  do  J,"  and  at  last  we  are  at  the 
truth. 

Then  the  trouble  begins  in  the  shape 
of  an  argument.  We  being  profes- 
sional disputants,  and  I  being  armed 
with  a  shovel,  a  settlement  is  only 
come  to  after  a  long  while,  and  a  con- 
clusion arrived  at  never.  Meanwhile 
the  fire  (wondering  why)  has  gone  out, 
and  we  return  to  it  to  find  a  few  ashes 
lying  shivering  in  the  grate.  I  then  go 
to  the  Library  to  write  to  the  papers, 
and  he  goes  to  the  Common  Eoorn  to 
read  them,  and  that  is  our  grievance. 

If  you  are  curious  to  learn  how  the 
affair  ends,  you  may  know  that  I  am 
now  going  to  lunch  and  shall  after  that 
return  to  this  room  of  ours.  The 
absence  of  fire  we  shall  regard  with 
indifference,  for  in  the  cupboard,  marked 
"  Stationery,"  there  are  weapons  and 
armour,  and  I  and  Other  Half  will 
keep  ourselves  warm  during  the  after- 
noon, as  is  our  wont,  with  the  Single- 
stick. For,  your  Honour,  the  practice 
of  the  Law  is  as  varied  as  it  is  exacting. 


"  Victor  Trismper,  once  more  his  triumphant 
self,  fell  short  of  a  century  by  three  figures 
only." — Sheffield  Daily  Telegraph. 

There's   nothing   in    that.     We  have 
often  done  it. 


MAKCII  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Tl!E   EFFECT  OF   AlHEIUCAN  TRADING    METHODS  OX  OUR  VILLA.C«   EMPORIUM. 


THE  CUBE. 

["  I  am  a  great  singer,"  CAUUSO  is  reported  to  have  said,"  because 
I  have  always  remained  a  bacluiar.  No  man  can  sing  unless  he  smiles, 
and  I  should  ucvcr  smile  if  I  married."] 

His  age  was  forty,  his  name  was  White ; 
He  sang  all  day  and  he  sang  all  night. 

He  wore  on  his  face,  to  improve  his  style, 
A  terrible  twist  which  he  called  a  smile. 

Her  name  was  Kate  (though  she  called  it  "  Kite,") 
She  sang  all  day  and  she  sang  all  night. 

And  her  face  was  marred  by  a  similar  smile, 
'Which  curved  at  the  ends  and  stretched  for  a  mile. 

He  lived  in  the  basement,  she  under  the  light, 

And  the  neighbourhood  found  them  a  positive  blight. 

For  the  singing  alone  had  disturbed  their  bile 
Or  ever  they  knew  of  the  permanent  smile. 

"  We  comfort  ourselves,"  they  were  wont  to  write, 
"  By  .the  thought  that  your  bark  may  be  worse  than 
your  bite." 

But  they  changed  their  minds  and  their   words   were 

vile 
NVlien  they  first  beheld  the  Carusial  smile. 

They  tried  by  persuasion,  they  tried  by  fright. 

They  tried  with  their  main,  they  tried  with  their  might ; 


They  tried  by  duress,  they  tried  by  guile, 

But  they  could  not  get  rid  of  the  song  or  the  smile. 

Each  answered  so  often,  it  grew  to  be  trite : 
"  I  must  be  great  and  I  cannot  be  quite, 

Unless  I  am  happy.     Accordingly,  I  '11 
Never,  no  never  abandon  my  smile." 


WELL-BRED  NOTES. 

The  Daily  Mail  having  given  The  Standard  such  a 
lift  by  urging  the  consumption  of  "Standard  Bread"  on 
the  whole  community,  The  Standard  with  perfect  journalistic 
courtesy  is  proposing  to  lend  the  full  weight  of  its 
influence  to  a  scheme  for  adding  to  the  various  new  staves 
of  life  a  "  Whole  Mail  Loaf "  that  in  nutriment  and 
purity  goes  far  beyond  even  Sir  OSWALD  BKIEBLEY'S  famous 
lump  of  dough. 

Meanwhile  all  the  papers  are  considering  the  advisability 
of  adding  a  form  of  bread  to  their  other  attractions. 

Thus  The  Daily  Telegraph  purposes  to  issue  gratis  to 
every  subscriber  a  peculiarly  succulent  comestible  to  be 
known  as  the  "  D.  Tea  cake,"  which,  it  is  anticipated,  will 
enormously  increase  its  circulation. 

The  proprietors  of  The  Morning  Post  will  provide  their 
clientele  with  a  constant  supply  of  "  Bathurst  Buns  "  of  a 
most  salubrious  and  stimulating  character. 

Lastly,  The  Spectator,  always  the  true  friend  of  the 
canine  tribe,  will  in  future  give  away  a  pound  of  dog 
biscuits  with  each  copy. 


160 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  1,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  MK.  JARVJS." 

OLD  Pretenders,  like  the  measles, 
are  just  now  in  our  midst.  These 
epidemics  occur  from  time  to  time  in 
the  theatrical  world.  Now  it  is  the 
NELI.  (JwYXNK  bacillus,  and  now  the 
Musketeers  microbe.  I  would  not 
think  of  saying  that  one  theatre  catches 
the  complaint  from  another;  simply, 
the  thin},'  is  in  the  air.  No  doubt 
Messrs.  LEON  LION  and  MALCOLM 
CHEUHY  hud  concsived  the  idea  of 
adapting  BETH  ELLIS'S  "  Madam,  will 
you  walk  ?  "  long  before  they  knew 
that  Mr.  MASON  proposed  to  bring  out 
an  Old  Pretender  play  on  the  lines  of 
his  romance  of  Clementina.  But  any- 
how there  are  at  this  moment  two 
JAMIES  in  the  field. 

Charles  Lebrun,  a  penniless  adven- 
turer who  happens  to  have  a  face  the 
very  image  of  the  King's  over  the 
water,  turns  up  in  England.  The 
MABLBOKOUGH  party,  who  are  out  of 
Court  favour,  sse  a  chance  of  utilising 
thisspeakingresemblanceto  damage  the 
MASHAM-BOLINBBOKE  clique,  who  are 
the  happy  recipients  of  QUEEN  ANNE'S 
bounty,  by  extracting  from  them  a 
written  proof  of  their  sympathy  with 
the  cause  of  the  Pretender.  Lebrun 
shall  be  Sarah  Marlborough's  tool  a' 
the  price  of  a  few  hundred  crowns.  So 
he  is  wigged  and  dressed  for  the  part, 
and  lodged  at  the  house  of  Lady 
Margaret  Beauchamp,  a  staunch  and 
fascinating  Jacobite.  •  Bolinbroke  duly 
commits  himself  on  paper,  but  grows 
suspicious  when  he  receives  a  com- 
munication from  the  actual  JAMES,  who, 
not  being  a  bird,  cannot  be  on  both 
sides  of  the  water  at  once.  Mean- 
while, Lebrun,  like  everybody  else 
who  sets  eyes  on.  her,  liae  fallen  in  love 
with  Lady  Margaret ;  and  she,  adoring 
him  first  as  her  King,  has  in  the  end 
come  to  care  for  him  on  his  own 
account  as  a  man  and  a  charmer.  He 
confesses  his  imposture,  and  for  the  sake 
of  her  and  her  cause  would  tear  up  the 
compromising  documents  if  he  were 
not  under  promise  to  hand  them  over 
to  Sarah's  m^n,. Captain  Drummond. 
La<ly  Margaret's  guardian  offers  to 
make  a  present  of  her  to  Lebrun  if  he  will 
destroy  the  papers,  but  he  is  resolute 
to  keep  his  word.  Finally,  the  hitch 
is  cleared  by  Drummond  himself,  who 
in  a  spasm  of  nobility  burns  them  and 
leaves  Lebrun  free  to  take  the  lady 
to  his  arms. 

Here  is  pretty  matter  for  a  costume 
play,  and,  if  your  head  is  not  asking 
for  subtleties  or  your  heart  to  have  its 
strings  set  quivering/you  will  find  good 
entertainment  at  Wyndham'g.  For, 


on  its  lighter  side,  Mr.  Jarvis  is  well 
enough,  and  the  plot  itself  is  handled 
with  economy  and  a  deftness  which 
leaves  you  in  doubt  to  the  last.  But 
the  central  character,  Lebrun,  is  not 
perfectly  adapted  to  the  methods  of  that 
delightful  actor,  Mr.  GEEALU  DU 
MAURIER.  Admirable  in  his  assumption 
of  kingship  and  excellent  in  his  casual 
revelations  of  the  impostor's  own 
personality,  he  is  less  happy  when  he 
comes  to  grips  with  the  sterner  stuff 
of  romance.  Perhaps  it  is  that  his 
voice  lacks  depth  and  variety  of  tone. 
Or,  possibly,  when  you  have  been 
making  pretence  to  be  a  Pretender,  you 
are  not  in  the  best  mood  for  emotional 
sincerity.  Anyhow,  Mr.  DU  MAURIER 
did  not  quite  impose  upon  me  as  a 
desperate  lover,  or,  indesd,  as  being 
desperately  in  earnest  about  anything. 
He  did  not  even  trouble  to  rap  out  his 


Mr..  H.  B.  ESMOND  (as  Bolinbroke,  growimj 
suspicious  about  Lebrun s  identity}.  "I  believe 
it 's  GEKALD  DU  MAUUIER  all  the  time." 

i 

parbleus  and  morbhus  and  sapristis 
with  conviction.  Still,  it  was  a  very 
attractive  performance. 
..Miss  BRANDON  THOMAS  was  a  charm- 
ing Lady  Margaret,  with  manners  as 
pretty,  as  her  frocks.  Apart  from  the 
right  carriage  of  some  very  pictur- 
esque c'ostumes,  no  great  demands  were 
put  upon  the  rest  of  a  workmanlike 
cast;  but  I  should  have  liked  to  see 
more  of  Miss  HENRIETTA  WATSON,  who 
made  a  brave  and  virile  Sarah ;  and  of 
Mr.  MAESH  ALLEN,  who,  in  the  person 
of  that  gay  Irishman,  Lord  Peter  Wild- 
more,  might  well  have  been  allowed  a 
larger  scope  for  his  pleasantries. 
Indeed,  in  exchange  for  a  better 
acquaintance  with  these  two  characters, 
I  could  comfortably  have  dispensed 
with  some  of  the  incessant  hand- 
kissing,  fond  as  I  am  of  seeing  this 
manoeuvre  neatly  executed. 


My  only  other  complaint — for  I  am 
easily  pleased — is  that  the  movement 
should  have  been  so  rapid  and  intricate 
at  the  start — always  a  mistake  with 
an  historical  theme,  and  peculiarly 
dangerous  when  you  are  expounding 
the  annals  of  its  own  race  to  an  audience 
notoriously  shaky  on  such  matters. 

I  should  like  to  add  that  on  the  night 
when  I  assisted  at  the  performance  of 
Mr.  Jarvis  the  Safety  Curtain  was 
lowered  twice ;  but  I  have  not  allowed 
this  fact  to  influence  my  judgment. 

O.  S. 


A    EESOLUTION. 

["  In  addition  to  the  spread  of  vulgarisms  and 
other  word-saving  resorts,  we  arc  now  warned 
of  the  increasing  evidence  of  the  collapse  of 
descriptive  power.  Objection  is  taken  to  the 
frequency  with  which  people  wind  up  their 
efforts  at  coherer.ee  with  "and  all  that  sort  of 
thin*;." — Lathj's  1'ictorial.] 

Touche  !  You  hit  me  shrewdly ; 

Mine,  I  confess,  the  vice. 
I  too  have  spoken  vulgarly    (I    don't 

mean  rudely) 
More  times  than  once  or  twice. 

Phrases  like  "  jolly  rotten," 

Or  worse,  as  "  howling  frost," 
Words    roughly     wrenched    to    other 

meanings,  such  as  "  cotton," 
Or  "  damage  "  (meaning  "  cost  ") ; — 

These  have  I  glibly  uttered. 

I  shouldn't  have  spoken  so ; 
Better — though   beastly    painful — had 

I  paused  and  stuttered, 
And  so  on,  don't  you  know  ? 

Touchi  \  I  am  a  sinner 

(Or  have  been,  in  the  past) ; 
Yes,    my  descriptive   efforts   have  got 

thin  and  thinner, 
And  petered  out  at  last. 

I  take  to  heart  the  warning ; 
Henceforward,  as  it  ought, 
My    speech    shall    be    a    chastened 

eloquence,  adorning 
A  reasoned  flow  of  thought. 

By  sslf-imposed  restriction 

I  '11  check  the  faults  which  spring 
So      plenteously      from      incoherence, 

slangy  diction, 
And  all  that  sort  of  thing. 


"  It  is  notified  that  the  title  of  Ahmudan 
Gaung  Tazeik  Ya  Min,  conferred  on  Kun  Sang 
Pu  Heng  of  Wauman,  Karenni,  is  cancelled."— 
Gazelle  of  India. 

So  his  visiting  cards  can  be  the  ordinary 
size,  after  all. 


"Prince  Tsai  Chnn,  Irother  of  the  Prince 
Regent  of  China,  will  leave  China  in  May  next 
on  his  way  via  this  country  t:>  London  to 
attend  the  coronation  of  King  George  IV." — 
Vancouver  Daily  News- Advertiser. 

He  11  be  a  little  late,  but  very  '.vslcome. 


MARCH  1,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


i  ;i 


Dialer  in  AtUinaet  (to  wavering  customer).    "  HALF-A-CROW.X  TOO  MUCH  FOR  IT?    WHY,  THERE'S    SIXTEKX    BOBS'   WOKTII   OF 

1S1VKTS   IN   IT  !" 


AN    ENGLISHMAN'S    HOME. 

[Tlie  women  of  Switzerland  are  petitioning  the  Government  not  to 
grant  any  more  half-holiilavs  because,  when  their  husbands  come  home 
eu-ly,  they  do  not  know  what  to  do  with  themselves  and  are  a  nuisance 
in  the  house.] 

WHEN  they  closed  the  office  early,  honouring  the  KING  or 

QUEEN, 

1^  would  fly  to  Little  Girlie  and  my  cot  at  Golder's  Green  ; 
Swiftly?     Lightning  wasn't  in  it  I     Newly  wedded,  would 

I  miss 
E'en  the  fraction  of  a  minute  of  my  sweet  domestic  bliss  ? 

Gladly  Girlie  used  to  greet  me,  with  a  hammer  in  her  hand, 
"Edwin,  dear,  the  pictures  beat  me  1    On  the  steps  I  cannot 

stand. 
Twice  the  naughty  hammer  lighted  on  your  Girlie's  little 

thumb ; 
Edwin,  I  am  so  excited  that  my  ownest  own  has  come." 

Then  we  sought  our  occupations.    On  a  chair  my  Girlie  sat 
And  directed  operations — kept  me  doing  this  and  that ; 
And  she  passed  severest  strictures  on  my  hand  and  on  my 

eyo 
As  I  hung  askew  the  pictures,  as  I  made  the  plaster  fly. 

When  the  feast  of  good  St.  Michael  warned  that  summer 

joys  must  cease, 
She  would  bid  me  clean  her  cycle,  coating  it  with  wintry 

grease ; 


And  I  toiled  for  hours  together,  vaselining  spokes  and  rims, 
With  a  rag  and  chamois  leather,  till  I  ached  in  all  my 
limbs. 

When  there  came  upon  the  tapis  first  a  lass  and  then 

a  lad, 
Girlie  used  to  make  them  happy  at  the  thought  of  tea  with 

Dad; 

And  as  I  was  fingered  jammily  by  adhesive  little  cubs 
Girlie  used  to  leave  her  family  for  an  evening  at  her  clubs. 

When  they  close  the  office  early,  honouring  the  KINO  or 

QUEEN, 

Do  I  fly  to  Little  Girlie  and  my  cot  at  Golder's  Green, 
Or  when  in  their  eager  numbers  all  my  fellow-clerks  have 

fled, 
Do  I  prosecute  my  slumbers  in  my  office  chair  instead  ? 


true    story,   says    The    Sporting   Chronicle,  regarding  I 
he  Yorkshire  forward.      As  is  well-known,  the  vonni:  • 


"  Here    is 

J.  A.  King,  the  Yorkshire  forward.  As  is  well-known,  the  young 
farmer  was  about  the  most  prominent  man  on  the  field  in  the  List  «t 
the  Trial  Matches  at  Twickenham,  and  '  Played,  King  I '  '  Well  done, 
King  ! '  were  frequent  shouts  from  the  stand." — Edinburgh  Eccnimj 
Ditpatck. 

Yes,  that  is  the  end  of  the  story.  Good,  isn't  it  ?  If 
your  friend  wants  another,  let  him  try  this  one : — 

"A  rather  long-winded  preacher's  little  boy  was  taken  to  the  service 
on  Sunday  night.  During  the  long  sermon  he  fell  asleep,  and  when  lie 
awoke  his  father  was  still  preaching." — Keening  Xcws. 

That's  all — but  every  word  tells. 


16:2 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


[MARCH    1,    1911. 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Sta/  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
NOT  so  long  ago,  the  "  love-story  "  used  to  be  regarded 
as  the  most  popular  type  of  fiction ;  but  if  things  go  on  as 
they  are  going  we  shall  have  to  coin  a  new  title,  and  salute 
the  triumph  of  the  "  hate-story."  This  at  least  is  what  I 
thought  after  reading  Mr.  HUGH  WALPOLE'S  most  powerful 
(and  depressing)  novel,  Mr.  Perrin  and  Mr.  Trail  (MILLS 
AND  BOON).  The  tale,  an  apparently  simple  one  of  the  lives 
of  certain  masters  in  a  third-rate  public  school,  their  intrigues 
and  jealousies,  and  the  general  way  in  which  they  get  on  one 
another's  nerves,  is  finely  told.  The  protagonists  are  Perrin, 
the  warped  product  of  twenty  years  at  Moffat's,  under 
conditions  which  Mr.  WALPOLE  lashes  with  merciless 
severity,  and  Trail,  whose  arrival  brings  about  by  force  of 
contrast  the  tragedy  of  the  other's  madness.  Of  course,  one 
has  to  grant  the  author  hia  conditions ;  and,  for  my  own 
part,  I  am  aware  of  a  doubt  whether  these  are  quite  honestly 
typical,  or  whether  any 
body  of  schoolmasters 
(and  I  have  known 
many)  was  ever  quite  so 
collectively  neurotic  as 
the  staff  at  Moffat's. 
But  the  art  of  Mr.  WAL- 
POLB'S treatment  is  un- 
deniable. He  has  the  gift 
of  writing  largely  about 
little  things,  which  en- 
ables him  to  make  out 
of  this  sordid  quarrel  of 
two  overstrained  men 
about  a  borrowed  um- 
brella a  drama  full  of 
pity  and  terror.  The 
grim  strength  of  the 
last  few  chapters  is  at 
times  almost  overpower- 
ing, and  the  book  alto- 
gether is  not  one  for  a 
reader  with  weak  nerves. 
Perhaps  Mr.  WALPOLE 
was  a  little  frightened  at 
it  himself ;  in  no  other  way  can  I  exonerate  him  from 
the  charge  of  sacrificing  his  artistic  conscience  to  the 
popular  demand  for  a  "  beautiful "  ending.  This  really  is 
the  weak  spot  in  a  clever  and  original  story. 

Those  who  were  accustomed  to  regard  the  writer  of 
Japan;  an  Attempt  at  an  Appreciation  as  a  fantastic, 
wholly  orientalised,  if  not  slightly  improper  person,  will 
(I  hope)  be  agreeably  disappointed  by  The  Japanese  Letters 
of  Lafcadio  Hearn  (CONSTABLE).  The  editress  of  this  book, 
ELIZABETH  BISLAND,*  claims  for  it,  as  is  usual  with  the 
compilers  of  correspondence,  that  it  affords  a  true  insight 
into  the  character  of  the  man,  and  in  any  case,  I  suppose, 
it  would  have  challenged  comparison  with  the  letters  of 
B.  L.  STEVENSON  from  Samoa,  since  to  both  these  men  the 
artistry  of  words  was  a  passion,  to  HEARN  almost  an 
idolatry  (there  is  a  very  striking  passage  where  he  explains 
how  even  the  alphabet  has  for  him  colours  and  human 
faces) ;  both  were  invalids,  both  exiles,  and  both  to  a  large 
extent  identified  themselves  with  the  land  of  their  adoption. 
And  if  we  fail  altogether  to  find  in  HEARN  that  exuberant 
boyishness  and  gaiety  which  made  the  letters  from  Tusitala 
so  attractive,  we  are  none  the  less  forced  to  admit  a  very 
imaginative,  very  likeable,  and  withal  a  very  sane  per- 


THE  PEIVATE  LIFE  OF  OUE  PUBLIC  MEN. 
2.    THE  LION-TAMEB  DOES  A  LITTLE   GARDENING. 


sonality.  The  most  remarkable  features  of  the  letters  in 
this  volume  (almost  all  written  to  Professor  HALL  CHAM- 
BERLAIN, though  there  are  a  few  at  the  end  to  Mrs.  HEARN, 
very  charming,  but  of  no  particular  substance)  are  the  striking 
criticism  of  contemporary  and  general  literature,  French  in 
particular,  and  the  oscillation  of  the  writer's  views  on 
things  oriental ;  he  is  now  charmed,  now  disgusted,  now 
in  despair  of  finding  the  face  behind  the  mask,  and  always 
his  theories,  whether  one  agrees  with  them  or  not,  are 
extremely  interesting.  I  should  remark  in  conclusion  that 
there  is  a  glossary  at  the  end  of  the  book,  so  that  even 
such  sentences  as  "The  Koto-shiro-nushi-no-kami  of 
Mionoseki  is  the  great  Deity  of  the  hyakusto-no-jin,"  ought 
not  to  alarm  the  energetic  reader. 

Does  Miss  MARJORIE  BOWEN  still  regard  herself  as  a 
beginner,  in  spite  (it  is  said  without  offence)  of  her 
precocious  success  ?  If  so.  Defender  of  the  Faith  (METHUEN) 
may  be  readily  and  heartily  commended.  History  supplies 

the  plot  and  spares  the 
reviewer  the  necessity  of 
quoting  it.  Enough,  that 
the  period  is  the  early 
autumn  of  the  reign  of 
CHARLES  II.,  the  mise- 
en-scene  Europe,  and  the 
central  figure  PRINCE 
WILLIAM  OF  ORANGE, 
holding  his  own  (and 
half  a  continent's)  un- 
aided against  the  aggres- 
sion of  Louis.  To  weave 
so  romantic  a  story 
roun  1  that  episode  itself 
requi  ed  a  rare  dramatic 
touch,  but  there  is  also 
conspicuous  an  occa- 
sional eloquence  and  a 
universal  good  taste,  free 
from  excesses  and  with 
but  one  small  affectation. 
There  is  wanting  only 
that  indefinite  something 
which  can  come  with 
maturity  alone  and  from  no  effort  of  youthful  perseverance, 
that  subtlety  which  enables  the  artist  to  conceal  his 
art  and  make  his  characters  inevitably  alive.  At  the 
beginning  that  is  not  yet  to  be  expected,  but  if  Miss 
BOWEN  is  to  be  considered  as  at  her  zenith  then  its  absence 
is  a  fault.  If  this  is  a  promise  of  greater  things  to  come, 
there  is  reason  for  congratulation ;  if  the  final  product  by 
which  she  shall  be  judged,  then,  alas !  that  so  fair  a  flower 
of  genius  should  have  been  spoilt  by  a  premature  blooming. 


MEASUEE  FOE  MEASUEE. 
MASTERS  of  modes,  when  you  muster  your  mannequins, 

We  may  suppose,  who  have  studied  your  lore, 
Mountainous  plumes  will  give  place  to  mere  pannikins, 

"  Hobbles  "  will  flounce  to  a  furlong  or  more. 

But  if  we  've  plumbed  not  the  depths,  and  the  grand  ages 

Eule  us,  when  Woad  was  the  "  dernier  cri  " 
(Saved  by  a  soupgon  of  buckles  and  bandages), 

Then — and  then  only — give  ear  to  my  plea. 
Broaden  the  lines  of  our  "  chapeau's  "  concavity, 

Large  as  a  tent  for  a  bather's  retreat ; 
There  let  the  prey  of  your  modish  depravity 

Shelter  her  shame  from  the  curious  street. 


M  \itru  S,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


163 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIIK    Irish    Nationalist,    Memh' 
Parliament    liavo  decided  not,  to  at  tend 
the  Coronation,  and   in    Ireland    it    is 
being  asked,  Will  tlie  Coronation  now 
be  hold'.' 

Sir  KIWAICII  (iiiKY,  in  answer  to  a 
question  in  tiie  House;,  stated  that  no 
concrete  proposals  relat  i  ve  to  the  Uagi  l;u  I 
llaihvay  were  at  present  before  the 
Government.  Some  of  us  are  of  the 
opinion  that  it  is  time  that  the  iron 
hand  were  shown,  and  would  like  to 
see  some  ferro-concrete  proposals 
emanate  from  our  Government. 


The  KAISER,  in  declining  to 
interfere  in  a  case  which  was  put 
before  him, declared  that  attempted 
suicide  was  not  a  crime  for  which 
there  is  any  earthly  tribunal.  This 
partial  abdication  on  the  part  of 
the  KAISER  has  surprised  his 
countrymen,  who  fear  it  points  to 
a  failing  belief  in  his  own.powers. 

The  Drury  Lane  pantomime  has 
now  gone  into  a  second  edition. 
We  understand,  however,  that  it 
will  have  to  be  withdrawn  in  Dec- 
ember next  to  make  way  for  another 
pantomime,  of  an  equally  season- 
able character. 

*  ' 
"  Heaven  knows  we  have  enough 

without  looking  for  other  burdens," 
said  President  TAFT  in  disclaiming 
all  desire  for  annexation.  We  like 
this  picture  of  Canada  as  a  white 
man's  burden. 

Mr.  HALDANE,  in  his  memoran- 
dum on  the  Army  Estimates,  drew 
attention  to  the  shortage  of  officers. 
Private  BAXTER,  on  the  other  hand, 
is  6  ft.  8.J  in.  in  his  socks. 

The  wholesale,  retail  and  manu- 


Dr.  OKVILLK  <>\\I;N  is  making  a 
determined  effort  to  discover  document  s 
which  will  prove  that  BATON  wrote  the 
plays  of  SHAKKSCKARE.  It  is  fortunate 
for  Stratford-on-Avon  (where  Miss 
('.11:1:1.1,1  resides)  that  its  fame  does  not 
rest  only  on  the  fact  of  its  being  the 
birthplace  of  SHAKEM-KAIIK. 

"  It  is  reported  from  New  York," 
says  The  Mirror,  "that  Mrs.  SMITH  II. 
McKiM,  who  obtained  a  divorce  from 


struidion  of  a  largo  circus  to  l>e  known 
as  WcsllMinriio  Circus.  "Ah,  tins  is 
iinli-'d  a  pleasure  lining  age!  "  said  the 
dear  old  ladv. 


Our  attention  ban  been  drawn  to  an 
advertisement  of  a  "HAND  LAI'.NDUY." 
This  is  a  capital  idea.  We  know 
several  little  boys  who  need  it  badly. 

Answer  to  Anxious  Enquirer  :— No, 
Mr.  MAUGHAM'S  Loaves  anil  /'W^x 
has  nothing  to  do  with  Standard 
Bread.  Hut  a  topical  touch  is 
given  to  the  play  by  the  selection 
of  Mr.  IloiiKKT  LOHAINI:  for  the 
part  of  a  sky-pilot. 


ii'ii  /.mly.  "WHAT  A  IHIEADFI-I.  DOWSI-OIT.. 

REGULAR   WATELSrOt'T!" 


facturing  stationers  have  decided  that 
on  March  21st  everyone  connected  with 
the  trade  shall  send  the  POSTMASTER- 
GENERAL  a  card  protesting  against  the 
decision  to  sell  postcards  and  letter- 
cards  at  the  price  of  the  stamps  on 
them.  It  is  rumoured  that,  with  a 
view  to  increasing  his  revenue  this  way, 
the  POSTMASTER-GENERAL  will  post- 
pone the  inauguration  of  the  reform 
from  year  to  year. 

*  * 

Judge  PAHRY  has  been  appointed  to 
succeed  the  late  Judge  EMDEN.  His 
Honour  is  the  author  of  Katait-ampus, 
What  the  Jintler  ,S'«.ir,  and  The  Captain 
of  tht-  School,  and  the  Lambeth  County 
Court  will  no  doubt  soon  come  to  l>e 
recognised  as  the  Home  of  Light  Farce. 


VOL.  cxu 


her  husband  last  August,  will  sail  for 
England  next  month  for  the  purpose 
of  marrying  Mr.  A.  G.  VANDERHILT." 
After  this  it  will  not  be  possible  for  Mr. 
VANDERBILT  to  complain  that  he  was 
not  warned. 

t:     •.;: 

Canon  OTTLEY  has  attracted  further 
notice  to  the  case  of  the  Barking 
"  flushers,"  who  are  said  to  work  for 
352  days  in  the  year.  We  suspect  that 
this  scandal  would  have  been  remedied 
long  ago  but  for  the  belief  that  Barking 

dogs  do  not  bite. 

•.•   •-;= 

A  street  improvement  scheme,  which 
is  to  be  submitted  to  the  Paddington 
Borough  Council  and  the  London 
County  Council,  provides  for  the  con- 


THE  AWAKENING. 

WHEN   my  accursed   tooth  began 
To  ache  and  ache  the  livelong 

day, 

I  went  and  asked  a  dental  man 
To  probe    the  region   where  it 

lay, 

And  gently  take  the  horrid  thing 
away. 

He    seemed  to  like    the  scheme, 

and  so 

I  called  one  awful  afternoon, 
Whereon  a  babbling  medico, 

Hired  in  to  engineer  a  swoon. 
Clapped  o'er  my  bead  a  nasty  g.is- 
bivlloon. 

I  said  as  much  as  wa?  allowed 
By  moderation  and  the  gag, 

And  then  my  mind  became  a  cloud 
And    my    attention    seemed   to 

flag. 
And  be — he  took  his  mashie  from 

the  bag. 


Methought  I  dreamed  for  several 

Ii's  A  years, 

But  all  my  visions  went  awry  : 
My  body  slept,  but  not  my  fears, 
For  I  could  see,  without  an  eye. 
That   root    was   in    a  deuced    rotten 
lie. 


Waking  with  but  a  single  wish, 

I   knew   that    now   'twas    mine   to 

gloat. 

To  see  it  swimming  in  the  dish 
(Unless  he  'd  dropped  it  down  my 

throat) ; 

Somehow  I  felt  convinced  that  it  would 
float. 

The  bowl  was  empty  as  before ; 

I  gazed  and  gazed  but  saw  IT  not. 
I  looked,  expectant,  on  the  floor, 

And  then  a  pang  revealed  the  spot — 
The  silly  fool  had  be3n  and  missed  his 
shot ! 


ir.4 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[MARCH  8,  1911. 


TO  THE   LATE    NOAH   WEESTER. 

II,,  honour  of  tl,,.  IWli  and  »..,*.,•!>  edition  of  his  le  icon    latclv  issued 
l,v  Messrs.  BEI.I.  ASH  SONS,  of  London,  and  the  MKIUUAM  LJ.,  tl  typing- 

I;. 1.1.    Alas'    1 

THIS  weighty  stnicture— one  stone  one,  or  more — 

Full  :is  an" egg  of  meat,  and  very  showy, 
VIM,  packi-d  with  such  a  variegated  store 

As  filled  the  hulk  in  winch  that  other  NOE, 
\Vith  SHT.M  and  HAM,  c<  ce/cra,  made  his  mark 

(That  is  to  say,  The  Ark), 
In  wealth  of  illustrations  fairly  dims 

The  luminous  past.     Four  hundred  extra  pages,    . 
A  liehled  stock-in-trade  of  Synonyms, 

And  several  new  "  Fictitious  Personages," 
Conspire  to  make  the  sort  of  wedding  gift 

No  thief  could  hope  to  lift. 
WKBSTEB,  you  should  he  here,  right  here,  to-day, 

Snatching  an  idle  hour  from  realms  of  Fairy, 
To  mark  your  Eagle,  strangely  proud  and  gay, 

Smile  on  your  devastating  Dictionary — 
That  fowl  for  which  the  earth  supplies  no  mate 

(See  opening  coloured  plate). 
What  if  the  firm  of  BELL  of  London  (Eng.) 

Upon  the  volume  which  I  here  review  sets 
Its  imprimatur,  sharing  this  great  fling     »• 

With  Messrs.  MEBBIAM  of  Massachusetts? 
Initially,  old  man,  the  rightful  praise 

Is  yours  and  U.S.A. 's. 
And,  though  Columbia  calls  your  teeming  tome 

"  The  International,"  she  don't  repent  her 
Of  fashions  fixed  in  that  New  England  home    _ 

That  was  your  theater  (sic),  your  working  center ; 
Still  where  your  "  Unabridged  "  began  to  sell- 

They  own  your  ancient  spell. 
Yet  Time  has  changed  a  lot,  omniscient  Sir. 

Some  things  that  to  our  vulgar  vision  lie  plain 
Had  never  had  occasion  to  occur 

Within  your  knowledge — sample  I.,  the  Biplane; 
In  those  far  days  they  simply  ran  to  kites, 
The  local  WILBUB  WEIGHTS. 

The  biograph,  the  motor-bus,  the  ski, 

The  tube,  the  tubal  lift,  the  fleet  Marconi, 

Were  still  undreamed  in  your  philosophy, 
Contemporaneous  with  the  tyrant  BOXEY; 

And  yet  on  these  our  daily  souls  are  fed— 
On  these,  and  Standard  Bread. 

Microbes,  again— you  never  heard  the  term. 

The  larger  monsters,  such  as  Megatherium, 
Engaged  a  fancy  still  untaught  to  squirm 

At  lesser  fauna  like  the  slim  Bacterium  ; 
Nor  yet  did  table-topics,  ere  you  passed, 
Include  the  Scleroblast. 

Thus  Science  ruthlessly  extends  her  range. 

One  lives  and  learns ;  let 's  hopeonedies  and  learns  too ; 
For  I  should  loathe  to  think  you  cannot  change, 

That  all  in  vain  your  cabined  spirit  yearns  to 
Pick  up  fresh  wrinkles  from  the  Book  of  Fame, 

NOE,  that  bears  your  name.  O.  S. 


"  Harkness  rose  and  opened  his  cigarette  case.      Reggis  snatched  a 
weed  greedily,  and,  biting  off  the  end,  lit  it.  with  trembling  lingers." 

"  Daily  Mail  "  Feuilldon. 

Somebody  ought  to  speak  to  Reggie  about  this.  To  smoke 
only  one  end  of  a  cigarette — whether  the  end  he  bites  off 
or  the  other — is  sheer  extravagance. 


AT   THE   SIGN    OF   THE    HARROW. 

(With  Aftolmjics  to  the  r,:,i,l,i'-l,,r.i  of  "A',  the  Si'gn  of  the  flai'gk  ''  in 
"  Th:  Corn/till  Magazine.") 

III.       ON    THE    HlSTOBY   OF   THE    FAIRCHILD    FAMILY. 

1.  Assign  the  following  remarks  by  the  Fairchild  Children 
to  their  respective  speakers,  and  give  the  approximate  ages 
of  the  latter. 

(i.)  "Papa, -I  can  repeat  the  verses  in  Genesis  about 
Paradise."  Answer:  Henry  (age  between  5  and  (i). 

(ir.)  "Oh  !  and  I  know  what  the  Children  of  N.oah  did 
in  the  Plain  of  Shinar."  Answer:  Emily" (about  7). 

(iii.)  "  Papa,  may  we  say  some  verses  about  mankind 
having  had  hearts?  "  Answer  :  Lucy  (about  9). 

(iv.)  "  Are  my  Aunts  dead  ?  .  •.  .  .  Then  I'm  afraid 
that  they  are  not  gone  to  Heaven."  Answer :  Henry. 

(v.)  "Is  it  right  to  he  going  out  every  day,  and  dress- 
ing fine,  and  playing  at  cards  ?  "  Answer  :  Lucy. 

(vi.)  "  We  have  disobeyed  our  parents,  we  have  told  a 
lie,  and  we  have  drunk  cider  until  we  were  drunk." 
Answer:  Lucy. 

(vii.)  "  I  was  not  two  minutes  stealing  the  apple,  and 
papa  found  it  out  before  breakfast."  -Answer:  Henry. 

(viii.)  "  You  don't  like  to  be  called  a-thief,  though  you 
are  not  ashamed  to  steal,  I  see."  Answer:  Henry  (in 
reproof  of  Miss  Augusta  Noble  for  taking  tivo  apples  out 
of  the  governess's  work-bag). 

2.  («)  What  reason  did  Mrs.  Fairchild  give  for  accepting 
an  invitation  to  dine  with  a  baronet  ?      Answer:  "Well, 
ny  dear,  as  Sir  Charles  Noble  has  been  so  kind  as  to  ask 
tw,.-we  must  not  offend  him  by  refusing  to  go."     (b)  How 
(fid  her  hostess  receive   her  on   this   occasion?    Answer: 
"  Lady  Noble  was  a  proud  woman,  so  she  did  not  take 
much  notice  of  Mrs.  Fairchild  when  she  came  in,  although 
she  ordered  the  servant  to  set  a  chair  for  her." 

3.  Give   in  Mrs.  Fairchild's  own   words   the   besetting 
sins  of : 

(i.)  Lady  Noble.  Ansioer:  "  Alas  !  I  am  sorry  for  Lady 
Noble;  she  loves  the  world  too  well,  and  all  its  fine 
things." 

(ii.)  Mr.  Crosbie.    Answer :  "  Mr.  Crosbie  loves  eating." 

(iii.)  Mrs.  Crosbie.  Answer :  "  Mrs.  Crosbie  is  ill- 
tempered." 

(iv.)  Miss  Crosbie.  Answer :  "  Miss  Crosbie  is  vain 
and  fond  of  finery  ;  "  and 

(v.)  Miss  Betsey  Crosbie.  Ansicer:  "Miss  Betsey  is- 
very  pert  and  forward." 

4.  Describe  the  dishes  of  which,  according  to  Lucy,  Mr. 
Crosbie   partook    when    he    dined    with    the    Fairchilds. 
Answer:  "  And  how  Mr.  Crosbie  did  eat  !    He  ate  half  the 
haunch  of  venison.     And   then   he  was  helped   twice   to 
pigeon-pie,  and  then  he  ate  apple-tart   and   custard,   and 
then "  (cetera  desunt.) 

5.  What   explanation   did   Mrs.    Fairchild   give    of   her 
motive  in  enumerating  to  her  children  the  various  weak- 
nesses and  self-deceptions  of   her  guests  ?     Ansiver :  "  To 
show  you  how  people  may  live  in  the  constant  practice  of 
one   particular   sin   without   being    conscious    of    it,    and 
perhaps  thinking  themselves  very  good  all  the  time." 

6.  What  was  Emily's  actual  occupation  at  the  time  when 
she  represented  herself  to  have  been  "  playing  with  the  cat 
upstairs"?     Answer:  "  Stealing  preserved  damascenes." 

7.  With  what  refreshment  did  his  children  provide  Mr. 
Fairchild  at  a  picnic  ?      Answer :  "  A  loaf  and  cheese,  and 
a  large  fruit  pie,  and  a  bottle  of  beer  for  their  papa." 

8.  What    was   the    fare   that   moved    Mr.    Fairchild    to 
exclaim   at   Mrs.   Goodwill's   table :  "  What   blessings   we 


PUNCH.    OH   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI.— MARCH  H,  1911. 


A   SAIL!    A   SAIL! 

DON  QUIXOTE  (leaking  in  the  Elysian  FieUh).     "WHO    SAID    -WIND-MILLS'?" 
[The  r.ew  vogue  of  Wliole-:neal  Bread  is  likely  to  lead  to  the  revival  of  Uie  old  methods  of  grinding  flour.J 


':;  '-,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Hi? 


Boy.    "If  YOU   TLEASE,   SlR,— MAY   \V3  HAVE  AH  EXTRA  HALF-HOLIDAY  THIS  AFTEKJ.OC;: ', " 

Headmaittr.  "WHY  1 " 

'oy.  "  WELL— Sin— WE— THOUGHT  YOU  MIGHT  FEEL  LIKE  IT,  SIR— AS  YOU  WERE  SIN-OIKS  IN  YOUR  BA--H  T:::.-;  SIOKMM;  '.' 


liave  about  us — even  in  this  world!"  Answer:  "A  roast 
fowl  and  some  boiled  bacon,  with  a  nice  cold  currant-and- 
raspberry  pie." 

9.  Give   his   definition    of  a   University.     Answer:  "A 
place  where  young  men  go  to  lie  prepared  to  be  clergymen." 

10.  What  was  Ins  idea  of  (a)  A  birthday  jaunt '.'  Answer  : 
"  It  is  Lucy's  birthday.     We  will  go  to  see  John  Trueman 
and  take  some  cake  to  his  little  children,  and  afterwards 
\\e  will  go  on  to  visit  Nurse  and  carry  her  some  tea  and 

(b)  An  agreeable  experience  for  children  ?  Answer: 
"  ( '!d  John  Roberts,  the  gardener,  died  yesterday  morning. 
.  .  .  Have  you  any  desire  to  see  the  corpse,  my  dears? 
You  never  saw  a  corpse,  I  think."  (c)  An  instructive 
object-lesson  on  the  dangers  of  family  fisticuffs  ?  Answer  : 
\  vi^it  to  "a  gibbet  on  which  the  body  of  a  man  hung  in 
chains  .  .  .  but  the  face  of  the  corpse  was  so  shocking 
Hint  the  children  could  not  look  upon  it."  "Oh,  let 
us  g,>,  papa!"  said  the  children,  pulling  Mr.  Fairchild's 
Boat,  "Not  yet,"  said  Mr.  Fairchild,  "I  must  tell  you 
the  history  of  that  wretched  man  before  we  go  from  this 
place." 

11  (i.)  Indicate  from  the  text  Henry's  notion  of  a  really 

:  ivc  book.     Answer;  "  My  book,"  said  Emily,  "  is  'The 

\  of  a  n  Orphan  Boy,'  and  there  are  a  great  many 

pictures  in  it  :  the  tirst  is  the  picture  of  a  funeral."     "Let 

iin'  gee  let  me  see,"  said  Henry.    "  O  how  pretty  !  " 

(ii.)  \Vliat  was  Henry  so  fortunate  as  to  discover  on 
Batting  two  unopened  leaves  of  his  book  with  a  pair 


"A  very    pretty   prayer   against 


of    scissors?      Ansircr: 
covetousness." 

12.  (n)  On  what  occasion  was  Henry  "  much  pleased  "  ? 
Answer :  "  When  he  got  his  new  grammar  and  dictionary  and 
Latin  exercise  book."  (b)  Was  his  pleasure  of  long  duration? 
Answer :  No.  He  declined  to  learn  his  first  lesson,  and 
"  Mr.  Fairchild  then  took  a  small  horse  whip,  and  making 
John  hold  him,  lie  flogged  him  well  and  sent  him  to  bed." 

In  the  opinion  of  Mr.  Punch  the  best  set  of  answers  \\.is 
sent  in  by  Master  Samuel  Suckling,  aged  6,  Sion  House, 
Sanctuary  Lane,  Hassocks,  to  whom  the  prize,  a  copy  of 
"  Henry  Milner,  the  History  of  a  Little  Boy  who  was  not 
brought  up  after  the  Manner  of  This  World,"  by  the  author 
of  "The  Fairchild  Family,"  has  been  awarded.  F.  A. 


THE   BURGLARS'    SCRUPLE. 

IT  was  only  when  they  re-assembled  in  the  dining-room 
to  count  their  swag  that  an  envelope  on  the  mantel-piece 
revealed  to  them  the  identity  of  their  victim. 

"  Swelp  me,  "Enry,"  said  Albert,  reverently  removing  his 
cap,  "  swelp  me  if  this  ain't  LLOYD  JARGE'B  house.  Wo 
can't  rob  'im.  'E  's  oneof  us,  like,  when  it  comes  to  'en-roosts." 

"  Yus,"  said  Henry ;  "  and  didn't  'is  pal  let  off  old  Alf  | 
]>a\  ics's  uncle?     'E 's  our  friend  !"  | 

And  replacing  their  booty,  except  just  enough  to  cover  . 
expenses,  they  stepped  out  over  the  roofs  as  the  grey  dawn 
broke  over  Brighton. 
^^___^_^_^_-_—^_—^__^-— ——_—.———————— —  - 


168 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


THE    LUCKY    MONTH. 

•  KKOW  thyself,"  said  the  old 

notto.     (In  QMek-ta*  this   is   an 

English  paper.)  So  1  bought  a  WUe 
,,,!  book  tailed,  tersely  enough,  Wtrt 

,,,,u  horn  in,  January}     I  was;   and 
tnd  ..n  ibis  point,  the  author  told 
in-  nil  about  myself. 

For  the  most  part  he  told  me  nothing 
new.  "You  are,"  he  said  in  etU'H 
••good-tempered,  courageous,  ambitious, 
loval, 'quick  to  resent.  wrong,  an  excel- 
lent raconteur,  and  a  leader  of  men 
True.  "  Generous  to  a  fault  "—(Yes,  1 
was  overdoing  that  rather)—"  you  have 
;,  ready  sympathy  with  the  distressed. 
People  bom  in  this  month  will  always 
keep  their  promises."  And  so  on. 
There  was  no  doubt  *bat  the  author 
had  the  idea  all  right.  Even  when  he 
went  on  to  warn  us  of  our  weaknesses 
he  maintained  the  correct  note.  "People 
born  in  January,"  he  said,  "must  be 
on  their  guard  against  working  too 
strenuously.  Their  extraordinarily 
active  brains-  Well,  you  see 

what  he  m?ans.  It  i<  a  fault  perhaps, 
and  I  shall  be  more  careful  in  future. 
Mind,  I  do  not  take  offence  with  him 
for  calling  rny  attention  to  it.  In  fact, 
my  only  objection  to  the  book  is  its 
surface  application  to  all  the  people 
who  were  born  in  January.  There 
should  have  been  more  distinction 
made  between  me  and  the  rabble. 

I  have  said  that  he  told  me  little  that 
was  new.  In  one  matter,  however,  he 
did  open  my  eyes.  He  introduced  me 
to  an  aspsct  of  myself  entirely  un 
s'ispected. 

"  They,"  be  said — meaning  me, "  have 
unusual  business  capacity,  and  are 
destined  to  be  leaders  in  great  com 
mercial  enterprises." 

One  gets-  at  times  these  flashes  o 
self-revelation.  In  an  instant  I  realises 
bow  wasted  my  life  had.  been;  in  an 
instant  I  resolved  that  here  and  nov 
I  would  put  my  great  gifts  to  theirprope 
uses.  1  would  he  a  leader  in  an  immense 
commercial  enterprise. 

One  cannot  start  commercial  enter 
prises  without  capital.  The  first  thing 
was  to  determine  the  exact  nature  of  m; 
balance  at  the  bank.  This  was  a  matte 
for  the  bank  to  arrange,  and  I  drov 
there  rapidly. 

"  Good  morning,"  I  saidtothecashiei 
"  1  am  in  rather  a  hurry.  May  I  hav 
my  pass  hook?  " 

Hi:  assentsd  and  retired.     After  a 

interminable  wait,  during  which  man 

psychological  moments  for  commercia 

en '  erprise  i  mist  li  ave  lapsed ,  he  returnee 

"I  think  you  have  it,"  he  said  shortly 

"  Thank  you,"  I  replied,  and  drov 

rapidly  home  again. 

A  lengthy  search  followed  ;  but  afte 


n  hour  of  it  one  of  those  white-hot 
ashes  of  thought,  such  as  only  occur 
o  the  natural  business  genius,  seared 
mind  and  sent  me  post-haste  to  the 
ank  again. 

After  all,"  I  said  to  the  cashier,  " 
nly  want  to  know  my  balance.     What 
s  it  ?  " 
He  withdrew  and  gave  himself  up 

0  calculation.     I  paced  the  floor  im- 
atiently.     Opportunities  were  slipping 
y.     At  last  he  pushed  a  slip  of  paper 
cross  at  me.     My  balance  ! 

It  was  in  four  figures.  Unfortunately 
wo  of  them  were  shillings  and  penes, 
till,  there  was  a  matter  of  fifty  pounds 
dd  as  well,  and  fortunes  have  been 
uilt  up  on  less. 

Out  in  the  street  I  had  a  moment's 

ause.  Hitherto  I  had  regarded  my  com- 

lercial   enterprise   in   the   bulk,  as  a 

.nished  monument  of   industry  ;    the 

ttle  niggling  preliminary  details  had 

lot  come  up  for  consideration.     Just 

or  a  second  I  wondered  how  to  begin. 

Only  for  a  second.     An  unsuspected 

alent  which   has   long  lain  dormant 

leeds,  when  waked,  a  second  or  so  to 

urn  round  in.     At  the  end  of  that  time 

had   made   up   my   mind.     I   knew 

ixactly  what  I  would  do.     I  would  ring 

up  my  solicitor. 

"  Hallo,  is  that  you  ?  Yes,  this  is  me. 
What?  Yes,  awfully,  thanks.  How 
,re  you  ?  Good.  Look  here,  come  and 
unch  with  me.  What  ?  No,  at  once, 
jlood-bye." 

Business,  particularly  that  sort  of 
ommercial  enterprise  to  which  I  had 
now  decided  to  lend  my  genius,  can 
only  be  discussed  properly  over  a  cigar. 
During  the  meal  itself  my  solicitor  and 
[  indulged  in  the  ordinary  small-talk  oi 
;he  pleasure-loving  world. 

"  You 're  looking  very  fit,"  said  my 
solicitor.  "  No,  not  fat,  fit." 

"  You  don't  think  I  'm  looking  thin?  ' 

1  asked  anxiously.     "  People  are  warn- 
ing me   that  I   may  be   overdoing  il 
rather.      They  tell   me  that    I    must 
be  seriously  on  rny  guard  against  brain 
strain." 

"  I  suppose  they  think  you  oughtn' 
to  strain  it  too  suddenly,"  said  my 
solicitor.  Though  he  is  now  a  solicitoi 
he  was  once  just  an  ordinary  boy  like 
the  rest  of  us,  and  it  was  in  those 
days  that  he  acquired  the  habit  o 
being  rude  to  me,  a  habit  he  has  neve: 
quite  forgotten. 

"What  is  an  onyx?"  I  said,  char.g 
ing  the  conversation. 

"  Why  ?  "  asked  my  solicitor,  witl 
his  usual  business  acumen. 

"  Well,  I  was  practically  certaii 
that  I  had  seen  one  in  the  Zoo,  in  th 
reptile  house,  but  I  have  just  leain 
that  it  is  \ny  lusky  month  stone 
Naturally  I  -nant  to  get  one." 


[MARCH   8,    1911. 

The  coffee  came  and  we  settled 
own  to  commerce. 

"  I  was  just  going  to  ask  you,"  said 
ny  solicitor — "  have  you  any  money 
ying  idle  at  the  bank  ?  Because  if 

"  Whatever  else  it  is  doing,  it  isn't 
ving  idle,"  I  protested,  "  I  was  at  the 
ank  to-day,  and  there  were  nun 
hivying  it  about  with  shovels  all  the 
me." 

"  Well,  how  much  have  you.got?  " 

"  About  fifty  pounds." 

"  It  ought  to  bs  more  than  that." 

"  That 's  what  I  say,  but  you  1  n  nv 
vhat  banks  are.  Actual  merit  counts 
or  nothing  with  them." 

Well,  what  did   you  want   to   do 
vith  it?" 

"  Exactly.     That  was  why  I  rang  you 

jp.     I — er "     This  was  really  my 

noment,  but  somehow  I  was  not  quit;; 
eady  to  seize  it.  My  vast  commercial 
nterprise  still  lacked  a  few  trifling 
letails.  "  Er — I — well,  it 's  like  that." 
I  might  get  you  a  few  ground 
ents." 

Don't.     I   shouldn't   know    where 
o  put  them." 

"  But  if  you  really  have  fifty  pounds 
.imply  lying  idle  I  wish  you  'd  Irn  1 
t  to  ins  for  a  bit.  I  'm  confoundedly 
lard  up." 

("  Generous  to  a  fault,  you  have  a  ready, 
•ympaihy  with  the  distressed."  Dash 
t,  what  could  I  do  '.') 

"Is  it  quite  etiquette  for  clients  to 
end  solicitors  money ?"  I  asked.  "I 
thought  it  was  always  solicitors  who 
lad  to  lend  it  to  clients.  If  I  must, 
[  'd  rather  lend  it  to  you — I  mean,  I  'd 
dislike  it  less — as  to  the  old  friend  of 
me  cheildhood." 

"  Yes,  that 's  how  I  wanted  to  pay  it 
sack.'1 

"  Bother.  Then  I  '11  send  you  a  cheque' 
to-night,"  I  sighed. 

And  that 's  where  we  are  at  the 
moment.  "  People  born  in  this  month 
always  keep  their  promises."  The  money 
has  got  to  go  to-night.  If  I  hadn't 
been  born  in  January  I  shouldn't  bo 
sending  it;  I  certainly  shouldn't  have 
promised  it;  I  shouldn't  even  have 
known  that  I  had  it.  Sometimes  I 
almost  wish  that  I  had  been  born  in 
one  of  the  decent  months.  Mjirch,  say. 

A.  A.  M. 


Mi- 


lias  been  appointed  a 


- 

AssUtunt  at  the  PuMic  Library,  the  bouks  iu 
which  are  to  be  insured  for  £3,000." 

Worthing  M,:rc.i  1  1!. 

It   may  be  necessary,  but   it  looks  a 
little  pointed. 

From  the  Cause  List  : 

"  J'art  v.  Nebrigftt  —  part  heard." 

Oughtn't    they    to    give    SBBRIGHT    a 
hearing,  too  ? 


MABCH  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   Oii   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


1G9 


THE  ADVANCE  OF  ASQUITH. 

(\Vill:    ncktinirlfiliiiiii'lltx     to    Mr.    T.    V 

ffCamor,  i/./'.) 

IT  has  been  suggested  inaonMQuartdH 

that,  in  my  urticli's  on    I  .I.OVD  (  IKOIIOK 
and      WINSTON     C-iu  i:<  MII.I,      in      Tin 
('liriHiii-li'    I    have   exhausted    the   re- 
sourcos  of  eulogy  as  applicable  to  Bl 
IIUMI   of  tho  day.      I    am   glad   to  think 
that    I   am  not  only  able  hut  proud  to 
complete  t  l]c:,c  lauds  i>f  the  living  with 
an  even  more  terrific  explosion  of  super 
fatted  panegyric. 

HKKHKKT  HKNHY  ASQUITH,  for  of  him 
I  propose  to  write  to-day,  was  a  wonder- 
ful hoy.  But  as  he  was  even  more 
wonderful  as  a  hoy  than  CHATTKRTON, 
so  was  he  more  prodigious  as  a -child 
Uiun  Mo/ARTorPADKitKwsKi.  Helispod 
iii  faultless  elegiacs,  and  on  his  second 
birthday  repeated  tho  paradigm  of 
TIIITTU  without  a  single  fault.  At  the 
City  of  London  School  he  swept  the 
hoard  of  prizes,  including  those  for 
oxemplary  conduct, tidiness, and  classical 
dancing.  And  yet  in  the  midst  of  it  all, 
behind  that  front  of  light-hearted  gaiety 
and  thobi3  sweet  star-like  eyes,  his 
profound  mind  was  already  working  out 
the  colossal  scheme  destined  to  paralyse 
feudalism  and  accelerate  the  march  of 
triumphant  democracy. 

I  shall  never  forget  our  first  meeting. 
It  was  at  Oxford,  where  I  had  been 
.asked  to  address  the  Union  onthe  Gospel 
of  Love  in  PersonalJournalism.  I  was 
terribly  overworked  just  then,  having  to 
finish  my  Lives  of  the  Oil  Kings  against 
time,  and  though  I  spoke  with  fervour 
there  was  a  chilly  detachment  about 
those  superb  young  barbarians  that 
affected  me  sadly,  and  I  was  on  the  point 
of  bursting  into  tears  when  a  brilliantly 
handsome  freshman,  who  was  sitting  in 
the  gallery,  cried  out  in  trumpet  tones, 
"  Good  old  Tay  Pay !  "  The  effect  was 
simply  electrical.  My  fatigue  and 
nervousness  vanished  as  if  by  magic; 
from  that  point  I  held  tho  whole  house 
in  the  hollow  of  my  hand,  and  after  the 
debate  they  carried  me  shoulder  high  to 
the  Mitre — no  easy  task  even  in  those 
days.  My  readers  will  have  guessed  the 
identity  of  that  trumpet-voiced  fresh- 
man. It  was  HERBERT  HENRY  ASQUITH, 
who  shortly  afterwards  took  a  double 
first  in  the  Classical  Tripos.  Next  day- 
he  invited  me  to  breakfast  with  the 
Master  of  Balliol,  dear  simple  old 
BENJAMIN  JOWETT,  and  the  flow  of  soul 
ran  deep  and  strong.  We  did  not  leave 
the  table  till  12.30,  as  ASQUITH  insisted 
on  reciting  the  whole  of  the  Ars  Poetica 
backwards  in  my  honour.  It  was  a 
wonderful  tour  dc  force,  and  from  that 
day  I  have  reckoned  him  amongst  my 
dearest  friends,  only  less  dear  than  Sir 


O'niltman   (on   Hampsttad    Hea'h).     "THE   HAitesi   BKIBT   IN    ENGLAND  !     Di, 
CUACF.FUL!  I  WAS  IIOHNO  MY  COUNT imvoucx— " 


''—MY     MISTAKE." 


THOMAS  LIPTON,  Lord  PIRRIE  and  Sir 
ALBERT  BOLLIT. 

ASQUITH'S  industry  as  a  journalist 
and  barrister  was  phenomenal.  Though 
passionately  fond  of  dancing,  he  re- 
fused all  invitations  to  balls  until  he 
took  sHk.  Judges  quailed  before  him 
even  while  he  was  a  junior.  No  doubt 
the  astonishing  beauty  of  his  profile 
ind  the  superlatively  lovely  timbre  of 
liis  voice  had  much  to  say  to  it.  As 
GEORGE  ELIOT  once  said  to  me,  "  There 
lias  been  no  profile  like  ASQUITH'S  since 
the  days  of  DANTE."  As  for  his  voice — 
[  have  drunk  in  the  golden  glory  of 
MABIO,  the  cherubic  rapture  of  ALBONI, 
;he  stentorian  ecstasy  of  LABLACHE,  but 
;hey  wore  a  mere  jejune  jangle  compared 
to  the  cosmic  majesty  of  ASQUITH'S  in- 
comparable organ.  But  the  magnetism 
of  a  gorgeous  voice  can  effect  little 
inless  it  is  backed  by  the  compelling 
brce  of  a  gigantic  intellect  and  a  great 
heart.  And  that  brings  me  to  my  final 


word.  ASQUITH  has  a  certain  super- 
ficial hardness,  as  all  great  men  have ; 
but  it  is  hardness  with  immense  soft- 
ness combined  ;  and  the  softness  of  his 
heart  is  only  equalled  by  his  passion- 
ate sense  of  justice,  his  transcendent 
generosity,  and  his  perfectly  appalling 
unselfishness.  It  is  dreadfully  painful 
to  me  to  say  all  this,  because  he  is  tho 
most  modest  of  men,  and  anything  that 
borders,  however  remotely,  on  the  ful- 
some is  gall  and  wormwood  to  me. 
But,  remembering  the  magnificent  cou- 
rage of  those  friendly  words  of  good 
cheer  launched  from  his  fearless  lips  in 
the  good  old  Oxford  Union,  without  a 
qualm  I  have  plunged  baldheaded  up  to 
the  neck  in  the  mid-stream  of  oleaginous 
adulation. 

"Collie  looked   like  making  a  break,   but 
failed  at  a  cannon  alter  scoring  4." 

Dublin  Evening  Unit. 
A  pity  after  so  fine  a  promise. 


170 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH    8,    1911. 


NOT    CRICKET. 

Till;    SrAND.U.orS    AlTAIK    OF    MY    I'MliliELLA. 

1  T  was  no  article  of  costly  make, 

Fashioned  of  silk  and  ebony  and  gold 

(The  kind  tliat  careless  men  an-  a|)t  to  take), 
It  wiis  not  even  very  neatly  rolled. 

Still  it  was  my  ewe  lamb.     And  when  I  found 
The  place  untenanted  where  erst  it  stood 

1  told  my  sorrow  to  the  wainscot  round, 

I  said  some  things  that  nearly  warped  the  wood. 

I  cried  aloud  to  the  Olympian  gods 

And  all  the  shadowy  powers  that  rule  the  air 

To  punish  him  that  did  this  deed  -with  rods— 
I  also  spoke  to  the  commissionaire. 

1  said,  "  This  was  the  apple  of  my  eye, 
Bought  when  a  boyish  heart  was  clean  of  doubt ; 

I  loved  the  little  windows  where  the  sky 

Came  peeping  through  when  it  was  opened  out. 

To  some  their  silken  hats  are  dear,  to  some 

Their  overcoats  of  astrakhan  or  fur, 
To  me  my  ombrifuge,  my  childhood's  chum. 

lie  said,  "  I  will  inquire  about  it,  Sir." 

Alas  !  I  have  no  hopes.     But  this,  oh  this, 
Is  what  annoys  me  most  about  the  thing : 

I  fondly  deemed,  if  e'er  I  came  to  miss 

The  well-known  handle,  the  familiar  spring, 

Whate'er  might  be  the  chances  of  the  change, 

Whatever  substituted  gamp  I  bore, 
Chill  to  the  grasp,  and  comfortless  and  strange, 

In  value  I  was  simply  bound  to  score. 

Some  elder  poet,  fired  with  h:avenly  flame. 
Might  leave  his  thyrsus  with  the  gilded  knob, 

And  brandish  mine  unconscious  till  he  came 
Home  to  his  Hat  and  then  be  vexed — the  snob ! 

Or  I  myself,  through  want  of  proper  care, 
Might  fail  to  localise  my  gingham  roof, 

And  seize  some  editor's  of  samite  rare, 

Crusted  with  chrysoprase — and  waterproof. 

But  now  these  hopes  have  crumbled  into  dust. 

Cursed  be  the  man  who  took  beyond  recall 
The  ancient  shelter  of  a  bardic  crust, 

And  never  brought  his  brolly  here  at  all.       EVOE. 


Commercial   Candour. 
From  an  advertisement : — 

"You  thought  t!:at  because  our  car  was  low-priced  it  wr.s  cheap 
Well,  that  mistake  has  been  n:ade  before." 

"Mr.  Ginnell    declared    that   the    phrase,    'Batching  the  Speaker's 
eye,'  was  a  jest  and  a  by-word." — Liverpool  Kcho. 

It  doesn't  sound  much  of  a  jest  for  the  SPEAKER. 


"Miss ,  who  was  given  away  by  her  oxy.lis^d  embroideries  and 

tenches  of  green  satin,"  etc.,  etc. — Continental  Da  ly  Mail. 

She  should  have  dressed  more  quietly  and  then  no  one 
would  have  known. 


"  Do  not  throw  away  egg-shells.  Wash  eacli  epg  used.  Keep  a  di 
handy  for  shells.  You  will  1  c  surprised  to  find  how  much  of  the  « 
adheres  to  the  shell,  and  what  a  ditt'.ivut  taste  your  coll'ee  will  have." 
Jihaniusbury  Star. 

It  is  not  obvious  where  the  coffee  comes  in,  but  to  be  on 
the  safe  side  we  should  refuse  it. 


STORIES   FOR    UNCLES. 

(Uciiuj  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 
THE    MAGIC    SUNSET. 

T  AM  riting  this  story  for  my  Uncle  becas  he  is  a  good 
man  and  this  is  a  good  story  there  wos  wonce  an  old 
wooman  she  was  30  or  42  yeersold  and  she  lived  by  herself 
in  a  cottage  in  a  garden  and  sho  was  very  kind  to  evrybody 
mid  spent  a  lot  of  niunny  in  giving  things  to  poor  people 
but  she  had  nobdy  to  live  \\itli  her  and  she  did  want  a  little 
baby  girl  or  better  still  a  prinsess  to  help  her  in  the  house 
and  mend  the  clothses  and  she  orfen  asked  for  one  but  she 
coudent  get  it  wich  made  her  very  sory. 

One  day  she  wos  out  warking  in  her  garden  and  she 
lookd  up  to  the  ski  and  wen  she  lookd  doun  agen  loan 
bold  thir  wos  a  Fairy  about  the  size  of  up  to  my  nee  dresd 
in  pink  satn  with  little  pleets  and  pink  satn  shus  ami  her 
hare  wos  lus  and  streemd  doun  to  blow  her  feet  and  her 
wings  wer  the  kuller  of  the  dorn  gold  pink  and  purpel. 

Have  you  cum  here  on  purps  to  vist  me  sed  the  old 
wooman.  Yes  I  have  sed  the  Fairy  Ive  herd  your  askings' 
till  Im  neerly  tired  of  it  and  Im  going  to  giv  you  wot  you 
want.  Oh  thank  you  so  mutsh  sed  the  old  wooman  it  is 
very  kind  Im  sure.  Dont  menshun  it  sed  the  Fairy  but 
you  must  worter  this  bit  of  ground  day  and  nite  for 
fore  days  and  then  you  shall  see  sumthing  to  make  you 
larf  goodby. 

And  wen  the  old  wooman  lookd  agen  the  Fairy  was  gorn. 

So  she  went  home  and  fetshd  her  wortering  pot  and 
worterd  away  like  mad  and  the  first  day  thir  was  nuthen 
and  the  old  wooman  neerly  gav  it  up  but  she  went  onn  and 
the  secnd  day  up  came  a  little  wite  flour  on  a  long  grin  stork. 

Oho  sed  the  old  wooman  shes  going  to  keep  her  proms 
and  she  went  on  wortering  and  on  the  thurd  day  thir  wos 
nuthen  more  and  the  old  wooman  wos  sleepier  than  ever 
but  on  the  foreth  day  loan  bold  thir  wos  the  sweetis  littel 
baby  girl  in  the  wirld  kirled  up  in  the  flour  she  wos  no 
biger  than  my  thum  and  the  old  wooman  wos  very  pleesd 
and  brort  her  home  and  tuk  grate  care  of  her. 

Of  corse  the  little  girl  was  tu  srnal  at  ferst  to  help  mutsh 
but  she  very  sune  gru  to  be  9  or  10  yeers  old  and  then  she 
was  very  usfull  but  she  olways  fellt  thir  was  a  Prinse 
looking  for  her  her  name  was  Mabella. 

Not  long  after  this  wen  Mabella  wos  in  her  teens  we 
will  say  16  yeers  old  she  went  out  one  evriing  and  sat 
doun  on  a  bank  when  sudnly  thir  wos  a  butefull  sunset 
with  the  usuerl  kullers  and  it  came  neerer  and  neerer  till 
it  got  to  the  bank  and  then  it  sat  doun  baside  Mabella  and 
bagen  to  tork  to  hir. 

Get  inside  it  sed  and  I  will  carre  you  to  wunderfull  plases' 

So  Mabella  got  inside  and  the  sunset  carred  hir  of  and 
flu  away  and  Mabella  wos  abel  to  look  out  thru  a  little  wite 
spot  in  the  sunset  and  at  last  it  stoped  over  a  larg  iland  and 
Mabella  got  out  to  strech  hir  legs  sudnly  she  bird  the  sound 
of  horses  hufs  galerping  at  a  grate  rate  neerer  and  neerer 
they  came  and  if  you  gess  it  wos  a  prinse  you  will  be  rite. 

Then  Mabella  and  the  prinse  got  inside  the  sunset  tugether 
and  they  sat  next  one  anuther  and  torked  about  luv  wile  the 
sunset  wos  carren  them  away  but  they  left  the  horse  behind 
becas  thir  was  no  food  for  him  and  they  dident  wont  to  be 
botherd  with  a  horse. 

The  sunset  carred  them  to  a  chirch  and  wen  it  got  thir 
it  dident  cum  doun  to  the  ground  but  it  let  doun  tu  golden 
ladders  to  the  chirch  dore  and  Mabella  and  the  prinse  went 
doun  the  ladders  and  were  marred  in  the  chirch. 

They  were  very  hapy  and  sune  had  a  large  famly  of  16  grone 
up  childen  but  they  never  sor  the  sunset  agen  the  old  wooman 
livd  with  them  for  5  yeers  and  then  she  died  age  84. 


M  AliCH  S,  |!)11.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


171 


Till',    I'OKTIIY    OF    MOTION. 

'I'm:  recent  discussion  in  'J'lif  Tinn 
on  the  question  whether  the  bes 
poetry  is  designed  for  ree.il at ii  n  <> 
lor  silent  perusal  recalls  once  more  t  h 
stoi-y  (revive  I  nol  long  !ij,<o|  h\  Mr..\.(/ 
1'iKNsox  in  Tin'  Ciinilii/l  how  the  lak 

Profess  il-  SllKlWK'K  (I ••lied  Miii-sicklies: 
I iv  declaiming  Knglish  poetry  in  tin 
secluded  ]);irt  of  a  Channel  steamer,  1m 
BUCCUmbed  \\hen  asked  lo  desist  I) 

lady-passengers,  frightened  atl 

behaviour.     When  lliis  ivmi  dy  is  inon 
widely  known,  as  it  certainly  ought  t< 
he,   (ho  Philistine  public  will  perhaps 
realise  that  there  is  some  practical  use 
in  versification  after  all.     Wo  forese 
a  general  desire  among  ocean  travellers 
to  join  tho  Poetry  Eecital  Society.    In 
fact,  the  enterprising  officials  of  this 
institution  are  already,  we  hear,  rigging 
up  a  rocking  platform  in  the  club-roon 
for  beginners  to  acquire  their  sea-legs 
upon  and  get  what  they  remember  o 
C.i^ilnanca,  The  Last  Chantey  and  The 
A  nc  ten  t  Ma  rincr  off  their  chests.  Things 
are  looking  quite  bright,  too,  for  minor 
poets  and  professors  of  elocution.    We 
know    of    a    thoroughly  reliable   anci 
seaworthy    coach    who     is     prepared 
personally  to  conduct  uncertain  tourists 
from  Dover  to  Calais,  or  vice  versd.  '  He 
guarantees  immunity  in  the  roughest 
weather,  holding  a  class  on  the  bridge- 
deck,  while  his  pupils  repeat  "  BARRY 
CORNWALL'S"    well-known    piece    of 
hypocrisy,   "The    sea!    the   sea!    the 
open   sea !  "     There   is,   of    course,   a 
slight  soreness   among   the   stewards, 
who  regard  this  panacea  as  likely  to 
imperil    their    vocation,    but    it    will 
doubtless  wear  off.     Meanwhile,  if  cer- 
tain  of  our  amateur  reciters    betake 
themselves  to  the  high   seas  for   the 
purpose    of    testing    the    Sidgwickian 
theory,  we  stay-at-homes  should  have 
much  to  be  thankful  for. 


HOW  TO  BECOME  — 
[With  apologies  to   tlic  ingenious  con- 
ductors of  "  Careers."] 

How   TO   BECOME   A   BATH-CHAItt    MAN. 

THIS  interesting  profession,  which  is 

by  no  means  overstocked,  can  best  be 

•<1  in  the  following  way.      Write 

.in  autobiography  and  dedicate  it  to  a 

:s  man  of  letters,  and   with   the 

ds  you  ought  to  be  able  to  buy  a 

jath-ehair,  or  oven  two. 

IIOW   TO   BECOME   A   BURGLAR. 

Ho\\  shall  a  man  become  a  burglar? 
is   ii   dillicult   question    to   answer, 
go  so  far  as  to  maintain  that  the 
rarglar  is  born,  not  made.     Certain  it 
s  that  the  requirements  for  success  in 
his   interesting   calling   have    become 


Mather.  "A.\D  wn.u  inn  YOU  IAI.K  AIIULT  HIIII.E  YOU  WEKE  DANCING  WITH  FKEDDV?" 
Darn  (her  first  t'me  out).    "  WE  DIDN'T  TALK— WE  COUNTID." 


nuch  more  exacting  owing  to  the  intro- 
luction  of  the  finger-print  method. 
Much  depends  on  deportment  and 
ducation,  and  there  are  fortunately 
numerous  establishments  in  which  the 
ligh  art  of  house-breaking  is  taught 
with  great  thoroughness.  At  the  best 
known  of  these,  tho  Meum  and  Tuum 
Academy,  an  entrance  examination  is 
icld  before  the  beginning  of  each  term 
or  the  admission  of  candidates.  Only 
hose  are  accepted  who  succeed  in 
ntering  unobserved.  Tho  accepted 
andidates  are  then  divided  into  sec- 
ions  A,  Band  C.  The  course  of  study  in 
ection  A  is  Noiseless  Movement ;  in 
•ection  B,  Pane  Removing  and  the  use 
f  the  Jemmy ;  and  in  Section  C,  the 
se  of  the  Blow-pipe  for  fusing  Safes, 
"he  fees  are  £12  12s.  a  term,  which  tho 
Indent  must  have  obtained  by  dis- 
onest  means.  He  must  employ  the 
line  methods  to  support  himself  dur- 
ng  the  period  of  study  ;  he  must  also 


attend  stimulating  plays,  such  as 
Raffles,  and  read  all  the  current  fiction 
that  has  a  strong  predatory  and  anti- 
social interest. 

HOW   TO  BECOME   A    DoG-OwNER. 

Acquire  a  dog  and  keep  it. 

HOW   TO   BECOME   AN    EARL    (CREATED). 

It  cannot  be  too  urgently  impressed 
on  those  who  aspire  to  Earldoms  that 
the  Peerage  is  no  sinecure.  It  is  a 
profession  which  makes  a  heavy 
demand  on  strength  and  vitality  as 
well  as  the  purse.  Long  hours  of 
attendance  in  the  gilded  chamber  or 
on  boards  in  the  City;  the  nightly 
strain  of  frequenting  fashionable  res- 
taurants and  consuming  rich  and 
indigestible  food  ;  constant  travelling 
to  and  from  the  Riviera  and  occasional 
privations  through  losses  at  Monte 
Carlo  or  on  the  Rubber  market,  are  all 
part  and  parcel  of  the  Peer's  life,  and 
all  demand  robust  health  if  they  are 


172 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1911. 


ENCOURAGEMENT. 


Irith  Dvler  (lo  hi,  ronyh-rider  on  yon.iy  horse).   "Go'os,  DAN  !  oo  ox  !  YK  CAN'T  EXPECT  TO  I.IVK  FOR  IVEK  !' 


to  be  faced  successfully.  Another  point 
that  cannot  be  too  often  remembered 
is  that  it  is  seldom  possible  for  a 
commoner,  even  though  possessed  of 
boundless  wealth  and  a  Sephardic 
lineage,  to  become  a  belted  Earl  at  one 
step.  Eemember  that  there  is  no  such 
thing  as  a  belted  Baron.  There  are 
two  main  ways  of  embarking  on  the 
Peerage  as  a  career: — (1)  by  desert; 
(2)  by  purchase.  The  former  is  far 
too  precarious  a  method  to  be  recom- 
mended, except  to  persons  of  a  rather 
exceptional  physique  and  tenacity. 

HOW   TO   BECOME   AN   IDIOT. 

Eead  all  the  daily  papers.  If  ihat  is 
not  enough,  read  all  the  weekly  papers. 

HOW   TO   BECOME   A  PEERESS. 

There  are  two  ways,  equally  good  :— 

(1)  Learn  a  very  little  singing  and  a 
very  little  dancing.     Wear   a   French 
hat  and  indue?  «.  manager  to  give  you 
a  part  in  musical  comedy. 

(2)  Be  the  daughter  of  an  American 
multi-millionaire. 

HOW     TO    BECOME    A    SECRET-DRINKER. 

Drink  in  secret. 

HOW    TO    BECOME    A    SMART-SETTITE. 

A  suitable  face,  the  disregard  of 
common-sense,  a  desire  to  forget  all 
useful  knowledge,  and  to  spend  money 


freely  without  the  slightest  provocation 
will  carry  a  youth  far  in  this  field. 
There  is  always  room  for  a  sane  and 
healthy  antipathy  to  hard  work  and 
a  consistent  and  single-minded  devotion 
to  futility  and  frivolity,  if  only  as  a 
protest  against  the  excessive  strenuous- 
ness  of  the  age.  We  want  folly  to 
enliven  this  drab  world,  and  who  is  so 
fit  to  supply  this  need  as  the  thorough- 
paced smart-settite  ?  Some,  of  course, 
possess  the  initial  advantage  of  starting 
with  an  hereditary  equipment  of  fatuity, 
but  in  this,  as  in  all  other  careers,  very 
few  people  are  unable  to  acquire 
qualifications  for  admission  into  the 
ranks. 

HOW   TO   BECOME    A   SNOW-SHOVELLER. 

Obtain  possession  of  a  shovel  and 
wait  till  it  snows.  Then  apply  the 
shovel  to  the  snow. 

In  future  numbers  the  following 
professions,  vocations  and  callings  will 
be  dealt  with  :— 

AVERAGE  ADJUSTER. 

BARK  FACTOR. 

CONJURERS'  BABBIT  MERCHANT. 

EMERY  PAPERMAKER. 

GOLDFISH  BREAKER. 

HEAD-HUNTER. 

INDIARUBBEB  MAN. 

Joss  MANUFACTURER. 


POODLE  SHAVER. 

SOOT  BROKER. 

TATTOOIST. 

UMBRELLA  RING  EXPKRT. 

WELL  INSPECTOR. 

"  When  I  was  a  child,  I  never  could  under- 
stand the  verse  which  said,  'Heaven  may 
endure  for  a  night,  but  joy  conieth  in  the 
morning.'  " — Ir>sh  Society.' 

The  new  version  does  not  seem  quite 
fair  on  Heaven. 

Mr.  Punch,  in  India. 
The  Allahabad  Pioneer  of  Feb.  8,  in 
describing  the  recent  wedding  of  the 
eldest  son  of  the  Maharajah  of  Kapur- 
thala,  states  that  among  other  princes 
and  chiefs  who  assisted  at  the  cele- 
bration, was  the  Rajah  of  Punch. 

"The  business  man  who  likes  his  long  week- 
end is  forced  to  work  like  a  niggjv  from  Tuesday 
to  Friday  ....  It  is  really  not  easy  to  jiiit 
three  days'  work  into  five  or  six."  , 

Throne  and  Country. 

We  have  never  found  any  difficulty 
about  this  arrangement. 

"Duras  lost  his  gime  with  Janowsky  in  the 
first  round  of  the  chess  tournament  after  two 
move?,  the  game  lasting  eighteen  hours." 

Daily  Afa  'I- 

After  17  hrs.  59  mins.  of  solid  thought 
for  a  suitable  reply  to  P.  to  K.  4,  DUBAS 
lost  his  head  and  gave  up  the  gams. 


PUNCH,    OU   THE    LONDON    CHAUIYAKI. .-MAn.  „  H, 


A  TALE   OF  TWO   PARLIAMENTS. 

FIRST  HALF  OF  BUDGET  (TO  SECOND  HALF).  "  COME   ON ;  YOU  WON'T  GET  ANY   MORE  APPLAUSE. 


M\i;ru  M,  11)11.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


IT.', 


ESSENCE     OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(KxiK.vcii.D  i  I-..IM  IIIK  DIARY  «y  Tonv,  M.I1. 
JfottSS    0)     ('umiii'iiit,    Mniiilni/,    I' i'l>. 

'J7.     Stranger  looking  on  from  (iallery 
whilst,    SON   Arsri-.N   \\iis  denouncing 

Parliament  Bill  would  never 
thai  country  is  on  eve  of  constitutim  ai 
it  ion.  Questions  over,  Memhei •- 
streamed  out,  through  glass  door  to 
write  letters,  road  papers,  or  chut  in 
Lobby.  At  half-past  eight  things  so 
desperaiely  had  as  to  surest  a  count. 
BONALDBHAY,  on  his  legs  supporting 
amendment  moved  from  front  0pp<  - 
silion  Meni-.h,  had  for  solo  audic  nc  < 
on  Unionist  side  a  Member  intent  on 
catching  SI-MAKER'S  eye  as  soon  as 
the  HAUL  had  made  an  end  of 
speaking.  Less  than  a  do/.en  Minis- 
terialists scattered  about  benches 
opposite,  "lowing  with  same  purpose. 

As  LANSBURY  observed,  "  A  revolu- 
tion is  proceeding  and  there  is  no  one 
here  to  stop  it." 

Affair  might  have  fizzled  out  in 
ignominy  of  a  count  save  for  accident 
of  moment  at  which  it  was  moved. 
Mr.  EMMOTT,  temporarily  relieving 
SPEAKER-  in  Chair,  pointed  out  that 
Standing  Orders  forbid  count  between 
H.ir,  and  9.15. 

Speech  of  the  evening  delivered  from 
unexpected  quarter.  NEVILLE,  a  sort 
of  parliamentary  Jacob  who  has  served 
through  the  fight  of  seven  contested 


"  Ka'.s  in  a  dap.  Mi.  STKAKER,  that  let  the 
cat  out  of  the  hag — 'f  I  may  say  so." 
(Mr.  K.  J.  K.  Neville,  K.C.) 

elections  for  the  seat  won  at  last  January 
\Vi.Ljan,  rose  to  make  his  maiden  speech. 
Tallin  figure,  in  aspect  mild  to  benignity, 
there  was  about  new  Member  some- 
thing irresistibly  reminiscent  of  the 
deacon  who  treads  softly  down  the 
church  uisb  carrying  plate  for  collection. 


Nothing  the  least  diaconal  in  spi  >  <  h 
that   followed.       Marly    in    its   pi<- 
Member    tor    NYigiin,    like    Silas    Y. 
roppeil  into  poe;  i  \  : 

II,, •  <;.-ii,'i.il    K'<  Mil. 11  i'. in  •  '1  '\MI  1  !>•' 

nil     (Ill-    t'ulil. 

Nationalist   COhorti    «    13    .  \<:  unllltf  «'j  II 

gold." 

I  don't  blame1  them,"  he  added,  turn- 
ing benevolent  countenance  towards 
the  Irish  quarter.  "Having  got  the 
sinews  of  war  behind  them,  they  are 
in  their  right  to  use  them."  After 
vivid  picture  of  LLOYD  GBOBOI  en- 
couraging growth  of  agitation  against 
the  Lords,  lie  observed,  "Then  it  was 
that  we  had  rats  in  a  trap.  Rats  in 
a  trap,  Mr.  SPEAKER,  that  let  the  cat 
out  of  the  bag — if  I  may  say  so,"  he 
added,  after  a  moment's  reflection. 

The  charge  against  the  House  of 
Lords  was  that  they  had  acted  contrary 
to  precedent.  "  I  may  say  with 
justice,"  said  Mr.  NEVILLE,  fixing  with 
stern  glance  SECRETARY  TO  THEASL-RY 
left  in  charge  of  debate,  "  the  boot  is 
on  the  other  leg." 

Business  done. — Rejection  of  Parlia- 
ment Bill  on  second  reading  moved 
from  Front  Opposition  Bench. 

Tuesday. — Not  in  vain  has  TULLI- 
DARDINE  gone  a-soldiering  with  the 
Horse  Guards,  the  Black  Watch,  the 
Royals  and  the  Scottish  Horse.  To- 
day executed  a  manoeuvre  which  testi- 
fies to  military  instinct,  even  genius. 
Things  looking  in  bad  way  for  branch 
of  Legislature  the  Marquess  will  in  due 
time  adorn.  What  ASQUITH  proudly 
called  "  the  phalanx  "  determined  to 
carry  Parliament  Bill  remains  unbroken. 
Appeals  for  compromise  plaintively- 
raised  from  Opposition  camp  meet  with 
no  response.  As  far  as  one  can  see  events 
are  marching  straight  to  passing  of  Bill 
by  overwhelming  majority  thatwill  make 
it  awkward  for  Lords  to  throw  it  out. 

Direct  attack  being  here,  as  at  Spion 
Kop,  hopeless,  thing  is  to  distract 
attention  by  movement  in  another 
quarter.  Accordingly,  whilst  attention 
and  time  of  House  are  ostensibly  con- 
centrated upon  fate  of  House  of  Lords, 
TULLIBARDINE  chips  in  with  question 
addressed  to  PRESIDENT  OF  BOARD  OF 
TRADE.  What  he  wants  to  know  is 
"  the  average  annual  value  imported 
into  the  United  Kingdom  from  Canada 
of  laths,  sawed  boards,  planks,  deals, 
and  other  lumber,  planed,  tongued, 
grooved  or  variously  finished?" 

Note  the  subtlety  of  this  master 
stroke.  Whilst  it  effectually  withdraws 
attention  from  a  troublesome  question, 
giving  the  assailants  time,  "  so  to 
speak,"  as  Mr.  NEVILLE  would  put  it, 
to  bury  their  dead,  it  shows  bow  far- 
reaching  and  minute  are  the  sympathy 
and  knowledge  of  one  of  the  class  of 


whom   an    infamous   bi 

I  ro\ .      \\  liiUt 

-lollal  a^lta'ois  prate  about  here-' 
ditaiA  anachronisms  and  the  like,  here 
is  a  man  who  pel  VMS  e,  t  he  impor 
of  a  question  which,  neglected,  might 
insidiously  gnaw  away  the  Imperial 
bonds  that  link  the  Motherland  with 
I  her  Co! 


"Full  of  wise  sawj  and  moJcm  instance*" 
— of  planed  and  grooved  plank*. 

(The  Marquess  of  Tullibardine.) 

SYDNEY  BUXTON,  taken  aback,  mut- 
tering something  about  necessity  of 
lengthened  details,  and  promised  to  cir- 
culate answer  with  the  Votes.  TULLI- 
BAKDINE,  full  of  wise  saws,  carrying  a 
modern  instance  in  shape  of  planed 
and  grooved  plank,  graciously  assented, 
and  the  incident  closed.  But  its  effect 
was  felt  in  subsequent  coursa  of  debate 
on  Parliament  Bill,  which  became  in- 
creasingly paralysed. 

Business  done.  —  Debate  on  SON 
AUSTEN'S  amendment  continued. 

House  of  Lords,  Wednesday. — Lord 
WOLVERHAMPTON'S  death  leaves  no 
gap  in  the  ranks  of  backwoodsmen. 
Not  one  of  their  class.  Rather  the 
ideal  of  the  sober-minded  business- 
like recruit  to  whom  reformers  of  here- 
ditary chamber  look  for  help.  Curious 
evolution  of  political  life  that  the  son 
of  a  Wesleyan  minister,  thirty-five 
years  ago  an  obscure  solicitor  in  a 
Midland  borough,  should  in  course  of 
time  come  to  rule  India  in  succession 
to  CLIVE  and  HASTINGS. 

One  who  lias  known  him  throughout 
his  Parliamentary  life  finds  it  difficult 
to  imagine  HENRY  FOWLER  (the  name 
by  which  his  memory  will  be  kept 
green)  going  about  with  a  coronet  in 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1911. 


.lace  of  a  top  hat.  Incongruous  in 
he  Upper  Chamber,  he  was  essentially 
g  Commons  man.  Entering  the  House 
hirty-one  years  ago  next  April,  ho 
vas  'absolutely  unknown  lit  Westmin- 
ster. Highest  honour  yet  achieved  was 
hat  he  had  been  Mayor  of  Wolver- 
lampton.  He  did  not  take  the  House 
>y  storm,  as,  after  brief  assault,  did  the 
ex-Mayor  of  another  Midland  town, 
iiy  sheer  capacity  he  won  his  way  to 
ront  rank.  Beginning  by  favour  of 
Mr.  G.  at  foot  of  Ministerial  ladder, 
us  rise  to  Cabinet  rank  was  compara- 
,ively  rapid.  As  a  debater  lie  was 
excelled  by  few  in  the  gifts  of  lucidity 
and  force  of  argument. 

lie  was  one  of  the  rare  Members  who 
achieved  the  supreme  triumph  of  con- 
trolling votes  by  a  speech.  It  befell 
during  Lord  ROSEBERY'S  brief  Premier- 
ship. HENRY  JAMES,  perceiving  oppor- 
tunity of  smiting  his  old  friends  the 
nemy  on  Treasury  Bench,  brought 
forward  Resolution  designed  to  pro- 
,ect  interests  of  British  cottonspinners 
irading  with  India.  Government  major- 
ity was  under  forty.  Not  so  deep  as 
a  well  nor  so  wide  as  a  church  door,  it 
would  have  served,  as  it  had  done  before, 
if  it  kept  together.  But  a  sufficient 
number  of  Ministerialists  representing 
Lancashire  cotton  districts  wavered. 
Loyalty  to  Party  is  a  good  thing,  but 
profits  in  cottonspinning  should,  like 
charity,  begin  at  home  and,  as  far  as 
Lancashire  is  concerned,  end  there. 

Fate  of  Ministry  hung  in  balance, 
with  almost  certainty  that  it  would 
kick  the  beam  in  favour  of  Opposition. 
In  masterly  speech  delivered  with 
authority  of  SECRETARY  OF 'STATE  FOR 
INDIA,  HENRY  FOWLER  turned  threat- 
ened rout  into  brilliant  victory. 

Another  conspicuous  success  was  his 
conduct  of  Parish  Councils  Bill  through 
a  House  which,  wherever  not  hostile, 
was  unsympathetic.  A  masterpiece  of 
adroit  parliamentary  management. 

HENRY  FOWLER  was  a  dependable 
man,  as  distinguished  from  a  brilliant 
one.  He  was  nearer  akin  to  type 
of  STAFFORD  NOHTHCOTE  and  LORD 
KIMBERLEY  than  to  DISRAELI  or 
GLADSTONE.  JOHN  BRIGHT  once  said 
of  a  colleague,  "  We  believe  in  no  man's 
infallibility  ;  but  it  is  restful  to  be  sure 
of  one  man's  integrity."  This  a  com- 
fort enjoyed  by  all  having  dealing  witl 
HENRY  FOWLER,  whether  in  private 
relations  or  in  public  life. 

Business  done. — Commons  still    de 
bating  Parliament  Bill. 

Definition  from  The  Twentieth  Cen 
iury  Dictionary  : — 

"^carim,  a  genus  of  minute  insets  embracing 
the  mites." 
Very  motherly. 


HALF-YEARS  WITH  THE  BEST  AUTHORS. 

I  •  •  guile  Ha  ,n:>.</  iiii/i<isiiii/  literary  treasure  of 
ho  Royal  Aero  Club  ia  the  series  of  seven  huge 
olumes  bound  i.i  re  1  morocco,  and  lent  by 
Mr.  (liiAHAMK  WHITE,  containing  all  the  news- 
»|>  r  cuttings  relating  to  li's  historic  (light  in 
In-  London-Manchester  Competition  last  year. 
Iriv  we  have  1  is  achievement  told teptm'ilyoy 
u  Inns'  a  lniiH/rf'l  iliff.rcul  writers,  and  I  do 
lot  know  how  many  different  cameras  have 
ontrilmteJ  their  different  vuws  of  t!.e  man 
,nd  hii  machine." — The  Observer.] 

FROM  the  above  paragraph  (whose 
talics  are  our  own)  we  gather  that  a 
lew  criterion  of  belles-lettres  has  arisen, 
ind  it  gives  us  pleasure  to  make  the 
ollowing  literary  announcements  for 
benefit  of  that  class  of  reader  to 


A   GREAT  LIBERAL 
(The  lat;  Lord  \Yolverhamptoii}. 

which  the  above  statement  is  intended 
to  appeal : — 

The  glorious  old  library  of  Hornsey 
Castle  contains  a  priceless  collection. 
Pro-eminent  among  papyri  of  the 
PHARAOHS,  the  earliest  productions  of 
CAXTON,  and  Elizabethan  folios,  is  the 
gem  of  the  library — four  hundred  and 
eighty  magnificent  volumes  of  press- 
cuttings  concerning  the  present  Lady 
Hornsey.  It  will  be  remembered  that, 
prior  to  her  marriage,  she  was  a  star 
of  our  lighter  stage. 

The  mouth  of  a  bibliophile  would 
indeed  water  at  the  sight  of  these 
majestic  volumes—  a  veritable  Valhalla 
of  English  literature.  A  noble  appendix 
of  sixty  volumes  is  devoted  to  picture- 
postcard  photos  of  her  Ladyship. 
*  *  *  * 

We  learn  with  pleasure  that  a 
collated  issue  is  forthcoming  of  the 
obiter  dicta  of  "The  Major"  (the  well- 
known  writer  upon  men's  fashions  in 


various  journals).  It  is  entitled  "Togs 
I  have  Adumbrated"  (nine  hundred 
volumes  in  India-paper),  and  it  will  be 
of  immense  help  to  students  of  the 
writer's  austere  and  elusive  personality. 

-»  -::-  *  •::- 

As  a  maritime  nation  we  should 
rejoice  in  the  patriotic  re-publication  of 
the  "By  the  Silver  Sea"  column  from 
The  Daily  Telegraph.  The  spirit  of 
DRAKE  and  DIBDIN  breathes  throughout 
these  fifty  superb  volumes,  reprints  of 
the  breezy  articles  that,  under  the  same 
title,  have  long  been  so  virile  a  feature 
of  our  contemporary's  columns.  No 
information  ig  lacking  for  those  seeking 
nautical  adventure.  Local  news  of  our 
leading  resorts,  the  weather  and  the 
opening  of  new  Fire  Stations,  are  fully 
dealt  with.  One  almost  hears  the 
clash  of  old  sea  dogs  at  municipal 
meetings — and  enthusiasts  for  our 
•adiant  climate  will  marvel  more  than 
:ver  at  the  records  of  sunshine. 

The  tang  of  the  salt  air  blows  out 
of  every  line  of  this  work,  and  the 
volumes  should  be  placed  in  the  hands 
of  every  lad  who  reveres  the  names  of 
NELSON  and  LirxoN  (the  latter  of 
whom  occurs  on  every  page). 

If  we  may  venture  a  correction  to 
so  careful  a  compilation  the  address  of 
the  Imperial  Tea  Company  at  Beach- 
cornbe  is  1436,  High  Street,  and  not 
1437,  as  stated. 

*  *  *  * 

The  Bodleian  Library  is  happy  in 
the  acquisition  of  the  original  MSS.  of 
Lieut. -Col.  NEWNHAM-DAVIS'S  mono- 
graph, "The Oesophagus— and  How  to 
Use  It." 

The  collection  of  detail  for  this 
monumental  work  has  been  the  one 
preoccupation  of  its  author's  life,  and 
he  has  spared  himself  no  self-denial 
in  the  quest  of  gustatory  experience. 
Fascinating  as  the  whole  of  the  six 
hundred  volumes  are,  one  lingers  most 
over  the  thousands  of  alimentary  charts 
detailing  the  author's  daily  menu  since 
he  was  two  months  old. 

Catholic  in  experiment,  he  has 
sampled  the  cuisines  of  all  nations  in 
pursuit  of  the  ideal.  Thus  the  ornitho- 
rhyncus, the  marabout,  the  hyena, 
the  chinchilla  and  the  scone  have  fallen 
to  his  fork. 

Once  only,  at  a  Guildhall  Banquet, 
his  appetite  failed  him  and  he  burst 
into  tears. 

The  last  volume  closes  on  a  note  of 
pathos.  Analysing  the  span  of  human 
life,  the  author  laments  that  only  one- 
sixth  of  it  is  occupied  by  nutrition — the 
remainder  is  frittered  away.  This, 
however,  is  the  only  morbid  reflection 
in  a  work  eternally  hopeful  with  ante- 
prandial speculations. 


MABCH  M.  I'.tll.! 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


177 


ED 


Golfer  (to  new  irumber  who  is  eitUiay  aeross  to  club-hatue).  "  HELIX)!    GIVEN  IT  trr?    WHY  DSN'T  YOU  FINISH  THE  BOUND ! 
Xuvice  (keeping  his  bay  out  of  siyht).  "On,  ROTTEN  LUCK!    I'VE  SMASHED  MY — EE — PETCU-B!" 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  LOAVES  AND  FISHES." 

M  it.  SOMERSET  MAUGHAMcalls  his  new 
play  at  The  Duke  of  York's  "  a  satire  in 
four  Acts  "  ;  he  may  be  supposed  there- 
fore to  imply  a  moral.  It  is  not 
dillicult  to  discover  what  the  moral  is. 

'I'hi'odore  Spratte  was  a  worldly  man. 
Hi-  never  tired  of  referring  to  his 
"father,  the  late  Lord  Chancellor,"  or 
to  liis  family's  supposed  descent  from 
tlio  Montmorency  stock ;  he  admitted 
he  was  a  snob  and  recommended 
snobbishness  as  a  virtue  to  his  children. 
II''  -.]>;nei|  no  pains  or  self-advertise- 
ment (within  gentlemanly  limits)  to 
advance  himself  in  his  profession,  and 
as  a  widower  of  fifty  took  cave  to  marry 
again  for  money  rather  than  for  love. 
\\ln>n  his  daughter  fancied  (quite 
mistakenly)  that  she  was  devoted  to  a 
bounder  who  wore  detachable  and  rever- 
sible cuffs  and  owned  unpresentable 
relai  ions,  he  hurried  on  her  engagement 
to  Lord  Wroxham  by  met  bods  which 
ma\  have  seemed  unscrupulous,  but 
very  certainly  made  for  Winifred's 
happiness.  I  [e  practised,  perhaps  more 
whole-heartedly  than  some,  the  usual 
insincerities  of  speech  and  manner 


which  a  civilised  society  demands,  and 
accepted  with  considerable  calm  the 
extremely  pleasant  and  luxurious  state 


Canon  Spralle  trioi  to  land  a  while  but  catches 

a  tartar. 
Mrs.  Fitzgera'd        ...     Miss  EI.I.I.S  JEFFREY.*. 

...     MR.  ROBERT  LOIIAINE 
(with  false  noa;). 


of  life  into  which  it  had  pleased  Heaven 
to  call  him. 

Who  will  rise  and  curse  Theodore 
Sprattc  ?  Who  will  denounce  vanity 
and  egoism  and  pushfulness  and  good 
living?  There  are  a  few  fine  souls 
who  may  do  so,  but  it  is  not  for  us  to 
range  ourselves  ostentatiously  among 
them.  Theodore  Spratte,  as  I  have 
described  him,  may  pass  for  an  average 
man.  Wait  a  moment,  though;  I  find 
1  have  left  out  something  rather 
important.  Theodore  Spratt"  was  Vicar 
of  St.  Gregory's! 

This,  I  take  it,  is  the  meaning  of  the 
play.  A  clergyman,  inasmuch  as  he  is 
not  judged  by  the  same  standards  as 
other  men,  must  lie  diffei'ent  from  other 
men.  The  Church  is  not  the  same  as  other 
professions,  to  beentered  light-heartedly 
by  the  younger  sons.  By  all  means 
let  it  be  denied  indignantly  that  (.'mimi 
S/irtittc  is  typical  of  the  Church  ;  it 
will  scarcely  be  denied  that  the  Church 
is  too  frequently  regarded  as  a  means 
merely  of  worldly  advancement.  It  is 
possible  (and  legitimate^)  to  satirize  all 
the  reverend  Sprattes  without  satirizing 
all  the  reverend  Canons. 

This  is  much  the  best  of  Mr. 
MAUGHAM'S  later  and  successful  plays ; 


178 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1'JII. 


I  don't  know   if  it  is   because  lie  ha 
adapted  it  from  a  book.  The  Bishop 
A/mni,     written      some      years      ago 
Recently  liis  literary  conscience  lias  no 
always  been  as   wakeful  as  one  couk 
wish  ;    he   lias   shown    an    ingenuous 
confidence     in     the    powers     of     the 
MAUGHAM  varnish  to  give  newness  to 
any  situation.     Loaves  and  Fixhcx 
old  moments,    bu'j  it   is  for  the  most 
part    truly    funny,   and — thanks  to  i 
great    performance    by    Mr.     ROBERT 
LOHAINE — makes  a  delightful  evening's 
entertainment.  M. 

"  BARDELYS  THE  MAGNIFICENT." 

The  vestibule  and  palatial  salla-d- 
boire  of  the  Globe  Theatre  are  redolent 
of  the  triumphs  of  Mr.  CHARLES 
FROHMAN.  Here  are  portraits,  life- 
size  or  better,  of  Miss  PAULINE  CHASE 
and  Miss  MAUDE  ADAMS,  silent  tributes 
to  what  he  can  do  in  the  art  oi 
presentation.  Here  is  a  framed  colla- 
tion of  heads,  chiefly  American  and  out 
of  my  cognisance,  to  which  is  attached 
the  sounding  title :  "  Mr.  CHARLES 
FROHMAN'S  STARS."  The  contempla- 
tion of  these  satellites  (each  to  all 
appearance  owing  its  position  in  the 
heavens  to  the  patronage  of  the  Great 


The  rillaiii  get;  cuiglit  in  tin  A.-A— the  last  Act. 
itiaXffl.          ...         MR.  .'WIITON  PKUISK. 
'c'rsux  ...  MR.  WILLIAM  HAVILAND. 

Presenter)  should  be  a  source  of 
solace  during  the  intervals  of  Bardr'yi 
the  Magnificent.  I  cannot  say  if  Mr. 
LEWIS  WAI.I.KU  aspires  to  join  that 
galaxy,  but  it  could  hardly  be  on  the 
strength  of  his  latest  achievement,  even 
f  it  had  been  presented  by  Mr.  CHARLES 
FI.O:IMAN,  instead  of  being  simply  ad- 
\<;itisod  as  "by  arrangement  with  Mr. 
CHAHI.KS  FROHMAN."  (How  difficult  itis 


to  get  away  fromMr.CHARLKH  FROHMAN! 
Mr.  WALLER'S  many  female  admirer: 
have  come  to  expect  of  him  a  reason 
able  allowance  of  sword-play  and  knock 
about  business.  But  here,  apart  from  i 
brief  scuffle  in  the  dark  and  a  trivia 
turn  with  a  walking-stick,  he  is  content 
to  wear  fine  clothes  and  talk  glibly,  ofter 
perfunctorily,  in  a  part  of  which  he 
is  the  first-to  appreciate  the  futility 
C'cst  magnifiqut,  main  cc.  iie.it  pas  la 
(jitcrre.  Even  his  fine  clothes  could  no! 
always  l)e  accounted  for.  How  he  came 
by  the  pleasant  des:gn  in  black  and  gol(' 
in  which  he  made  so  brave  a  figure  J 
never  could  make  out.  For  he  was  in  a 
strange  house,  cut  oft'  from  his  luggage 
and  had  made  his  entrance  through  a 
window  in  the  course  of  an  escapade  that 
had  left  him  with  nothing  but  the  rough 
and  sodden  garments  he  stood  up  in. 

It  is  a  poor  reflection  on  the  present 
chances  for  an  actor  with  a  sense  of 
style  that  Mr.  WILLIAM  HAVILAND  should 
have  nothing  better  to  do  than  play  the 
villain  in  a  second-rate  Bomantic  Com- 
edy like  Bardclys  the  Magnificent.  His 
dignity  of  manner  did  all  that  was 
possible  for  the  part,  but  it  was  thank- 
less work.  Mr.  REGINALD  DANE  as  the 
dandy  braggadocio,  Laurent,  Chevalier 
dc  St.  Armand  (they  all  had  nice  names 
like  that),  succeeded  in  getting  the  savour 
of  his  perfumes  across  the  footlights. 
Miss  MADGE  TITHEHADGE,  on  the  other 
liand,  was  all  for  nature's  scents,  and  kept 
on  sniffing  roses  with  a  conscious  air 
of  innocence.  Mr.  ASHTON  PEARSE  spoke 
his  lines  correctly  as  Louis  XIII.,  but 
looked  too  much  like  a  Nonconformist 
Mephistopheles  in  mourning.  The  final 
travesty  of  a  Court  of  Justice  was  not 
'mproved  by  the  sad  crudity  of  the 
Judge's  diction.  The  plot  was  passable, 
and  there  was  a  beautiful  scene  for  the 
oggia  of  the  Chateau  of  Lavedan  ;  but 
altogether  we  should  have  come  off 
badly  indeed  but  for  the  humorous  relief, 
uch  as  it  was,  of  the  part  assigned  to 
Miss  LOTTIE  VENNE,  who  called  herself 
a  seventeenth -century  Viscomtesse,  but 
n  point  of  fact  was  just  that  delightful 
creature,  Miss  LOTTIE  VENNE  of  the 
nineteenth  and  twentieth  centuries. 

"BABY  MINE." 

Let  me  confess,  to  my  shame,  that  I 
aughed  immeasurably  over  the  not-too- 
delicate  humours  of  the  new  Criterion 
farce.  Only  an  American  woman,  type 
of  the  pinkest  of  propriety,  could  have 
written  it ;  and  only  a  British  Censer, 
representing  the  finest  intelligence  and 
discrimination,  could  havd  passed  it. 

When  a  deserted  wife  is  induced  to 
try  and  draw  her  husband  home  by  the 
lure  of  fatherhood  ;  when  Mr.  WKKDON 
GROSSMITH,  friend  of  the  family,  is 
told  off'  to  procure  the  »ecesbary  article  ! 


from  a  Babies'  Home;  when  a- hitch 
occurs,  and  the  husband,  summoned  ,to 
his  wife's  bedside,  arrives  slightly  in 
advance  of  his  supposititious  offspring; 
when,  in  deference  to  the  protests  of  the 
actual  mother,  it  is  found  necessary 
to  acquire  a  fresh  baby,  and  it  turns  up 
•beneath  the  husband's  daz/clod  eyes 
before  the  first  has  been  deported ; 
when  a  third  baby  is  requisitioned  to 


TIIK  BABY-SNATCHEK. 
J:mmij  Jinks    ...     MR.  WEEDON  Cr.os.sMini. 

lisplace  the  original  one,  and  all  three 
ind  themselves  on  the  stage  at  once, 
you  will  understand  that  the  expansion 
of  the  unit,  first  into  twins  and  then  into 
riplets,  is  accompanied  by  a  corre- 
sponding growth  (geometrical  progres- 
sion) in  the  fury  of  the  fun. 

The  astonishing  thing   about    it  all 
vas  that  the  development  of  the  ploj; 
seemed  to  proceed,  step  by  step,  with 
he  inevitability  of  logic. 

That     great     artist,    Mr.    WEEDON 

ROSSMITH,  refused  to  be  tempted  away 
rom      his      customary     self-restraint?, 
Vtiss  IRIS  HOEY,  who  had  much  more 
o  do,  did  it  with  extraordinary  cleveiV 
vess    and    vivacity.       Miss   'LILLIAN 
WALDEGHAVE  was  a  model  of  her  sex, 
idjusting  facts  to   her  scheme  in  the 
ii-ue    spirit    of    decorative    art.       Air. 
DONALD  CALTHKOP'S  staccato  methods 
got  upon  my  nerves  in  the  earlier  and 
quieter  part.     There  is  a  kind  of  dread- 
ul  briskness  about  some  actors    that 
nakes  me  almost  giddy  with  boredom. ; 
Mr.  CALTHOHP  would  do  well  to  take  a 
:sson  from  the  passivity  of  the  triplets. ' 

I  cannot  bring  myself  to  comnu  ml 
o  just  anybody  this  study  in  vicarious: 
bstetrics;  but  to  those  who  are  tit  to 
>ear  it  I  can  promise  an  entertainment' 
from    which   they    are   not    likely    to! 
escape  with  ribs  imwrung.          O.  S. 


MARCH  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


179 


Uoilier  (to  neiyMiour  iclw  has  lieen  summoned — in  alarm — to  view  the  phenomenon). 
Neighbour.     ''  WHY,  BI.E.S.S  THE  WOMAN!     You  MUST  A'  USED  SOAP!" 


"LooK  iv  n  A  r  A  CJI.OUR  HE'S  GONB— WOT  SHAM,  i  DO?" 


DEVILRY   OR    DISEASE? 

[In  a  letter  to  The  Times  on  "  sulking"  animals,  it  is  maintained 
that  "sulking  is  essentially  a  bodily  and  nervous  condition,"  and  a 
Milwci|iK!iit  leader  and  various  letters  emphasize  the  applicibility  of 
this  statement  not  only  to  the  lo'.ver  animals,  but  to  mankind,  and 
especially  children.] 

MY  little  son,  whom  I  propose  to  wallop 

For  being  in  a  fit  of  sulks  to-day 

And  acting  impolitely  whilst  at  play 
Towards  your  cousin  (bless  the  little  trollop  !)— 

I  know,  dear  boy,  that  you  perhaps  are  blameless ; 

If  one  may  trust  the  statement  of  the  wise, 

These  fits  of  sulking  probably  arise 
From  some  disorder  which  as  yet  is  nameless. 

Things  being  thus,  my  child  (I  hope  you  take  me  ?) 
I  may  be  counted  cruel  if  I  go 
And  grip  you  by  your  roundabout,  and  so 

Proceed  to  spank  you  till  my  powers  forsake  me. 

But  please  observe,  if  bodily  conditions 

Are  going  to  be  cited  as  excuse 

For  faults  like  this,  they  '11  simply  play  the  deuce 
With  other  moral  laws  and  prohibitions. 

Besides,  as  yet  the  theory  is  lacking 

In  full  acceptance  by  the  general  mind ; 
It  may  in  future  save  your  tender  rind, 

But  in  the  meanwhile  you  require  a  whacking. 


So  do  not  think  me  brutal  .if  at  present 

I  have  to  give  you  what,  it  seems,  is  due. 
Believe  me,  if  it  causes  pain  to  you, 

7  shall  not  find  it  any  less  unpleasant. 

Regard  me  not  as  some  unthinking  drover 
Beating  a  sulky,  semi-fainting  beast; 
Believe  me  (once  again),  I  'm  not  the  least 

Like  such  a  man    .    .    .  And  now,  my  boy,  bend  over  ! 


According  to  The  Daily  Chroniclt,  the  cost  of  Dread- 
noughts has  been  reduced  from  £101-6  per  ton  to  £82-53. 
It  is  not  stated  whether  a  less  quantity  than  one  ton  can 
be  ordered,  but  we  are  inclined  to  think  that  the  price  is 
still  prohibitive  to  the  average  citizen. 

Feathering  Their  Owa  Nests. 
From  the  Annual  Report  of  a  Land  Society : 

"In  addition  to  providing  a  savings  bank  (or  the  majority  of  the 
members,  the  Committee  have  been  unusually  successful  in  providing 
houses  for  their  own  occupation." 

We  are  not  surprised  to  hear  later  on  in  the  Report  that 
there  are  eight  candidates  for  the  four  vacant  places  on  the 
committee. 

"The  Chairman  said  the  annual  banquet  for  the  members  of  the  Fire 
Hi  i;;ndc  wou'd  be  held  at  the  hotel  on  the  following  Thursday  we?k, 
and  the  rhief  ortjoer  would  very  much  like  to  have  the  sum ort  of 
members  of  the  Council.  It  was  left  with  Conn.  Lanyon  and  the  Clerk 
to  insure  members  of  the  Brigade  immediately." — The  Corinth  'an, 

The  hotel  can't  be  as  bad  as  that. 


180 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mi:  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerkx.) 

CONSIDEKINU    the    constancy    with    which    Mr.    EDEN 
ri  lays  the  scenes  of  his  stories  upon  Dartmoor, 


it  is  amazing  that  his  descriptive  powers  show  so  few  signs 
of  the  strain  placed  upon  them.  No  rains  were  ever  more 
wetting  than  his  and  no  winds  more  penetrating.  In  fact 
Di-wetcr'x  Jt/iiiiihtcr  (METHI-KN)  proves—  if  such  proof  is 
still  necessary  —  that  he  is  a  great  atmospheric  artist.  But 
when  I  turn  to  the  story  itself  I  am  not  so  satisfied,  for  it 
leaves  me  depressed  and  waiting  for  the  hig  novel  which  I 
expect  Mr.  PHILLPOTTS  eventually  to  write.  Alison  Cleave, 
handicapped  by  a  faithless  husband,  a  brutal  son  and  a 
false  neighbour,  struggled  hard  in  her  fight  against  odds, 
and  in  the  light  revealed  a  noble  character.  But  she  was 
beaten  ;  while  her  husband  —  a  bibulous  platitudinarian  — 


remained  to 
woman." 


call   her 
recognise 


a   "  trier  " 
and    bow 


and   an 
to    the 


'  awful 
courage 


stupid 
which 


disdains  to  make  sacrifices  to  sentimentality,  but  at  the 
same  time  I  think  that 
Mr.  PHILLPOTTS  would 
be  a  better  artist  if  he 
painted  in  less  gloomy 
colours,  and  if  he 
allowed  himself  to  re- 
new some  of  the  glad- 
ness which  permeated 
The  Human  Boy. 


Casting  about,  I  sup- 
pose, for  something 
more  sinister  and  bizarre 
than  mere  burglary,  Mr. 
HERBERT  FLOWERDEW 
(for,  after  all,  what 's  in 
a  name?)  has  seized 
upon  the  idea  of  in- 
corporating into  a  novel 
one  of  those  modern 
Bluebeards  who  occa- 
sionally figure  in  the 
police-reports.  The 
Third  Wife  (STANLEY 
PAUL)  has  thus  the  ad- 
vantage of  providing  a 
little  more  food  for 


THE  PRIVATE  LIFE  OF  OUR  PUBLIC   MEX. 
3.  THE  TRAMP  JUGGLER  HAS  HIGH  TEA  IN  THE  BOSOM  OF  HIS  FAMILY. 


the    romantic    emotions    than    is 


third  of  the  way  through,  when  I  began  to  be  impatient 
with  A  Fair  House  (JoHN  LANE):  The  reason  for  this  was 
that  Mr.  HUGH  DK  SELINCOURT,  after  being  at  pijins  to' 
show  me  the  fairness  of  the  house  and  to  fill  it  with 
interesting  people,  would  persist  in  shutting  me  up  in  the" 
nurs?ry.  What  I  mean  is  that,  though  Bridget  herself  is 
a  delightful  child,  we  have,  frankly  speaking,  a  good  deal 
too  much  of  her  in  the  early  stages.  I  was  frightened  for 
Bridget's  sake  also.  The  only  daughter  of  a  publisher, 
brought  up  by  a  conventional  old  nurse,  and  exhibiting  a 
marked  tendency  towards  literary  baby-talk,  she  seemed  to 
stand  every  chance  of  developing  into  a  prig.  Fortunately, 
however,  Mr.  DE  SELINCOUBT'S  skill  was  able  to  avert  this 
danger,  and  the  latter  part  of  the  story  shows  us  a  Bridai't 
who  is  an  entirely  real  and  captivating  human  girl.  The' 
whole  episode  of  her  relations  with  Selby  Parmmore,  the 
insincere  genius,  is  most  adroitly  handled  ;  though  of  all 
the  scenes  in  the  book  I  prefer  that  of  the  introduction  of 
this  same  Parramore  as  a- u  marvellous  boy,"  long  before 
there  is  any  thought  of  Bridget  growing  old  enough  to  fall 

in  love  with  him.  His 
interview  with,  and 
bland  patronage  of,  the 
friendly  publisher  is  a 
thing  wholly  joyous. 
Take  it  for  all  in  all, 
Mr.  DE  SELINCOURT  has 
made  his  Fair  House 
into  a  quite  desirable 
property,  which  should 
find  no  difficulty  in 
securing  appreciative 
tenants. 

Mr.  COMPTON  MAC- 
KENZIE has  set  out 
to  achieve  a  most 
original  and  daring  pur- 
pose, to  write  a  novel 
acceptable  per  sc  to  a 
modern  public,  and  yet 
in  frank  and  wholesale 
imitation  of  HENRY 
FIELDING.  To  this  end 
ho  has  omitted  no 
affectation  of  spelling, 

composition,  style,  plot  and  period,  and  yet  he  has  over- 
come by  the  end  all  the  prejudice  which  such  anachronism 


usually  the  case   with   detective   fiction,  and   the   efforts 

of  Arthur  Latfrencc  (alias  Hermitage)   to  dispose   of  his   was  bound  to  excite  in^the  beginning.     Upon  my  word, 

wife  (No.  3)  for  the  sake  of  her  fortune,  and  to  capture  her  I  am  not  sure  that  he  has  not  succeeded  all   tho  way. 

when  she  suspects  his  designs  and  refuses  to  live  with   Though  The   Passionate  Element    (SECKER)    would   not 

him,  gave  me  some  very  delectable  thrills.     I  must  also ,  have  been  so  intituled  by  FIELDING,  yet  otherwise,  save 

take  off  my  hat  to  Mr.  HERBERT  FLOWERDEW  for  creating]  for  the  absence  of  the  master  touch  (one  must  say  that 

the  most  incompetent  sleuth-hound  that  I  have  ever  seen   to  be  orthodox),  the  book  might  have  come  from  that  great' 

nosing  the  trail ;    for  though  the  fine  specimens   of   the 

breed  are  all  too  few,  and  I  seldom  close  a  book  of  this  sort 

without  murmuring  regretfully  to  myself  those  well-known 

lines — 

"The  stately  Holmes  of  England, 
How  paramount  lie  stands," 

I  think  for  sheer  bungling  inefficiency  Mr.  Robert  Clickett 
took  the  red  herring.  And  indeed  the  unfortunate  heroine 
would  have  been  done  to  death  with  the  greatest  of  ease  at 
the  end  by  her  dastardly  spouse  and  his  hired  minion  but 
for  one  of  those  curious  little  accidents — but  there!  you 
had  better  read  the  book  for  yourselves. 

I  have  to  confess  that  there  was  a  moment,  about  a 


pen.  Much  of  the  humour  and  philosophy  is  there,  but 
there  is  happily  avoided  the  long  anticipated  climax, 
intolerable,  and,  I  think,  rightly  intolerable,  to  present-day 
tastes.  FIELDING  or  no  FIELDING,  our  author  has  put 
together  a  vastly  entertaining  account  of  Curtain  Wells,  its 
Great  Little  Beau,  its  Exquisite  Mob,  and  its  Gallant 
Young  Gentlemen.  I  doubt  if  he  has  in  his  conclusion 
availed  himself  to  the  full  of  the  ingenuity  of  his  construc- 
tion, but  I  leave  it  at  that,  insisting  that  you  buy  and  read 
for  yourself  without  further  revelations  from  me. 


"Turnips  and  Straw  for  Sile  . 
point  out  the  turnips." — Advl.  in 


.    Mr.  James  Bcaltie,  Gardener 
'  Jlbciclecn  H'ceh\n  J'rcss." 


will 


And  then  we  shall  all  be  able  to  guess  which  the  straw  is. 


MARCH  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


CHARIVARIA. 

WE  hear  authoritatively  that  there 
is  so  much  difference  of  opinion  as  to 
whether  Mr.  CHAMI-  CLARK'S  annexation 
proposal  was  a  joke  or  not  that  it  has 
been  proposed  that  a  great  conference 
of  editors  of  comic  papers  he  called  to- 
gether to  decide  this  vexed  question. 
#  * 

There  is  nothing  like  seizing  an 
opportunity,  and  we  admire  Lord 
LANSDOWNE'S  shrewdness  in  offering 
REMBRANDT'S  "Mill"  for  sale  at  a 
moment  when  everyone  is  so  interested 
in  the  question  of  bread-making. 

f  * 
* 

Indeed  we  shall  not  be  surprised  to 
hear  that  a  certain  enterprising  news- 
paper has  decided  to  present  the  picture 
to  the  nation  on  the  condition  that  the 
title  be  changed  to  "The 
Daily  Mail  Ideal  Mill." 

*  * 
• 

Welshmen  have  been 
asking  that  there  shall 
be  some  emblem  of  the 
Principality  on  the  new 
coinage.  We  under- 
stand that  they  would 
be  satisfied  with  the 
addition  of  the  head  of 
the  other  GEORGE  (Mr.). 

*  * 
* 

Lord  CHESTERFIELD 
has,  we  hear,  been  much 
congratulated  on  get- 
ting his  armour  back 
in  time  for  the  fight 

with  the  Commons. 

*  * 
* 

We  are  glad  to  hear 
that  there  is  some 
chance  of  the  Private 
Member  who  fails  to 
catch  the  SPEAKER'S 
eye  being  catered  for. 
An  enterprising  publisher  proposes  to 
bring  out  a  journal  which  will  be  devoted 
to  the  speeches  which  Members  have 
in  their  pockets,  but  are  never  spoken. 
He  hopes  to  recoup  himself,  not  by 
the  circulation,  but  by  the  fees  which 
he  would  charge  the  contributors. 

Sjc      ^E 

# 

By  the  March  Army  Orders  the 
identity  discs  issued  to  officers  and 
men  in  war  time  are  in  future  to  be 
issued  to  the  former  in  peace  time. 
Our  German  friends,  it  will  be  re- 
membered, were  put  to  considerable 
trouble  recently  in  identifying  two  of 
our  officers  who  were  engaged  on 
research  work  in  their  country,  and 
no  doubt  a  complaint  has  been  lodged 
witli  us  as  to  this. 

*.  * 

It  seems  an  astonishing  thing  that 


no  one  should  have  thougtit  of  dis- 
persing the  rioters  outside  the  Theatre 
Francais  by  the  use  of  the  hose. 
"  Apres  iiwi  le  iHlwje,"  would  have 
been  peculiarly  appropriate. 

*  * 

According  to  Professor  THOMAS  C. 
CHAMBERLAIN,  of  Chicago  University, 
the  world  is  now  400,000,000  years 
old.  We  consider  that  when  it  reaches 
its  500,000,000th  year  some  sort  of 

celebration  ought  to  take  place. 

*  * 

* 

"  Marriage,"  says  The  Mirror,  "  is 
cheaper  than  being  engaged."  That, 
we  suppose,  is  why  engagements  not 
infrequently  lead  to  matrimony. 

*  * 

"  Is  Spring-cleaning  necessary  ?  " 
asks  a  correspondent  in  The  Express. 
We  think  so.  Our  Springs — and  even 


TRADE  SECRETS. 

Foreman  of  Cider  Factory  (to  Poa'er  Artist) :   "THE  GOVERNOR'S  JDST  STARTED 

MAKING  THE  CIDER  AND  HE  WANTS  THE  APPLE." 


our   Summers — have   been  very  dirty 
in  recent  years.      .«  .„ 

Burglars  who  broke  into  the  Cobham 
village  club  took  a  bath  before  leaving. 
At  the  risk  of  hurting  their  feelings  we 
feel  bound  to  say  that  they  probably 
could  not  have  thought  of  a  more 
effectual  way  of  rendering  themselves 
unrecognisable.  ...  ... 

The  suggestion  has  been  made  that, 
in  order  to  get  through  the  glut  of 
Private  Members'  undelivered  orations, 
the  SPEAKER  should  allow  two  speeches 
to  be  made  simultaneously.  The  ex- 
periment would  appear  to  have  been 
tried  w'th  success  when  KINO  GEORGE 
received  dej.u;utions  from  the  two 
Houses  of  Convocation  the  other  day. 
"  The  Archbishop  of  Canterbury,"  says 
a  contemporary,  "read  the  address 


from  the  Southern  Province,  while  the 
Archbishop  of  York  road  that  from  the 
Province  of  York." 

*  * 

* 

The  Kingston  police  took  charge  last 
week  of  an  individual  who  was  found, 
in  a  state  of  into:  foition,  with  his 
sleeves  rolled  up,  fighting  a  poster  on  a 
hoarding.  As  a  sequel,  we  hear  the 
Inebriates'  Protection  Society  is  about 
to  issue  an  appeal  to  our  leading  poster 
artists  begging  them  to  be  less  realistic 
in  their  work.  ^  ^ 
* 

The  police  records  of  Chicago  prove 
that  very  few  fat  men  are  guilty  of 
serious  crimes.  It  is  realised,  we 
suppose,  that  to  have  any  chance  of 
escaping  detection  one  must  be  very 
slim  nowadays.  ^  ^ 

The  dresses  are  the  notable  feature 
of  the  new  Gaiety  play, 
and  there  is  some  talk 
of  changing  its  title  to 
"  Clothes-Peggy." 

HADES. 

OUR  attention  has 
been  drawn  to  the  fol- 
lowing remarks,  taken 
from  a  publication  of 
the  Underground  Rail- 
ways : — 

"Mr.  Punch  has 
twice  now  commented 
upon  the  absence  of 
time-tables  upon  the 
District  Railway.  The 
Company  thinks  that  if 
he  did  it  the  honour 
of  coming  down  to  the 
Temple  Station,  the 
nearest  to  his  address, 
at  any  moment  of  the 
day,  he  would  not  find 
the  waiting  sufficiently 
long  that  he  should  wish  to  add  to  its 
tediousness  by  deciphering  a  maze  of 
figures.  He  would  find  a  train  in  the 
station  quicker  than  in  the  time-table." 
Yes,  but  what  kind  of  train  ? 
If,  as  constantly  happens,  he  wants 
to  travel  from  the  Temple  to  a  station 
on  the  Wimbledon  line,  a  Praed  Street 
train  is  hardly  any  use  to  him,  and 
even  a  Hounslow  non-stopper  affords 
him  very  little  comfort. 

Kicking  his  heels  for  boredom,  he 
derives  a  very  poor  solace  from  the 
reflection  that  trains  of  some  sort  are 
pouring  through  the  station  too  fast 
for  the  human  eye  to  follow  them  in  the 
time-table,  if  there  were  one. 

Lucky  Persephone  in  that  other  under- 
world of  vague  shadows !  She  at  least 
had  some  means  of  finding  out  when  her 
six  months  were  likely  to  be  up. 


182 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  15,  1911. 


THE    COCOA    SCANDAL. 

[Tlie  duty  on  manufactured  cocoa,  1  eing  proportionately  in  excess  of 
tin-  duly  on  tin-  r.i.v  material,  serves  to  pruU-rt  the  lionie  industry,  and 
therefore  constitutes  a  scandal  for  Free  Traders.  A  >OMUp  of  Liberal 
M  inhcrs  li.is  r,  cmtly  approached  tlie  CHANCELLOR  with  a  request  for 
!  i,f  1 i  moral  of  all  duties  on  coc  a.  The  Daily  Chronicle,  while  desirous 
that  Literal  Governments  shoild  "continue  to  move  in  the  direction  of 
the  Free  Breakfast  Table,"  would  be  content  for  the  present  if  the  duty 
ni  in  iimfuctured  cocoa  could  be  so  readjusted  as  to  eliminate  this 
protective  element.  The  cocoi  trade  itself,  the  same  authority  assures 
u*,  does  not  want  Protection.] 

SHALL  it  be  said  that  we  who  buy  and  vend 
That  beverage  which  the  People  soak  owe 

Our  bulging  fortunes  (gracious  Heaven  forfend  !) 
To  profits  on  protected  cocoa  ? 

The  thought  would  make  our  tender  conscience  bleed, 
It  would  indeed. 

The  past,  of  course,  is  passed  ;  the  sin  is  sinned; 

Nor  can  we  wholly  rectify  it ; 
But,  for  the  future,  whether  loose  or  tinned, 

Let  him  who  takes  our  temperate  diet 
Be  well  assured  it  is  for  honest  nibs 
He  pays  his  dibs. 

Meanwhile  repentance  for  our  gains  ill-got 
Should  seal  the  mouths  of  Tory  mockers  ; 

And  we  have  half  a  mind  to  pour  the  lot 
Into  the  Liberal  Party's  lockers, 

And  so  from  off  our  'scutcheon  wipe  the  stain 
And  start  again. 

The  People's  conscience,  too,  when  down  their  neck 
Flows  the  brown  stream,  incurs  a  fracture 

To  think  that  England  puts  a  cruel  check 
On  the  dear  alien's  manufacture  ; 

Cocoa,  they  claim,  should  have  one  equal  law 
For  cooked  or  raw. 

This  is  the  type  that  ought  to  breakfast  free. 

But  if  the  ideal  cornucopia, 
Sprouting  with  sugar,  chicory  and  tea, 

Still  lurks  in  some  far-off  Utopia; 
If  even  Liberal  voters  can't  be  fed 

At  nil  per  head ; 
If  such  a  prospect  shows  a  shade  too  pink — 

At  least  we  '11  let  our  proletariat 
Under  the  spreading  Eowntree  sit  and  drink 

An  unprotected  commissariat  ; 
With  conscience  free,  desipiant  in  loco 

Over  their  cocoa.  0.  S. 


STORIES   FOR    UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 
THE  ABMY  OF  THE  STARS. 

WE  will  not  beginn  about  the  arme  of  the  Stars  we  will 
cum  to  it  later  becas  I  must  ferst  tell  you  about  Ronald 
our  heero  wos  a  boy  age  16  or  20  and  as  buteful  as  a  rose 
or  lilly  he  had  a  statu  of  hisself  in  his  bedroom  and  sum 
lookin  glarses  (5)  and  his  brushes  wer  made  of  gold  for 
his  father  had  left  him  a  lott  of  munny  more  than  a 
hunderd  pounds  so  he  wos  verry  ritch  and  had  many 
fervmts  and  all  his  lif  was  hapy  sept  for  one  thing  witch 
our  heero  dident  like  atal  this  wos  that  he  had  quarld  with 
;  he  Moon. 

Now  sum  people  like  the  Moon  but  Eonald  dident  he 
thort  she  was  tu  sli  cuming  out  after  dark  wen  uther  people 
hav  gorn  to  bed  and  basides  the  Moon  is  orlwis  pail  and 
Honald  coudent  bare  pail  people  so  he  had  a  good  quarl 
with  the  Moon  and  got  in  an  awfil  state  about  it  becas  he 


dident  know  wot  to  doo  wen  the  Moon  kept  shining  doun 
on  him  evry  nite  and  jest  out  of  spite  it  wosent  a  harf 
Moon  or  a  quartr  Moon  but  a  fool  Moon  all  the  time  witch 
made  it  ever  so  werse. 

One  nite  Eonald  wos  out  warking  with  his  girl  frond  Rose 
and  they  wore  torking  about  the  carpets  for  thire  new  house 
and  sudnly  Eose  sed  wot  is  that  and  Eonald  sed  Irn  sure  I 
dont  no  and  they  went  on  and  loan  bold  it  was  a  pore  little 
star  witch  had  falln  out  of  tlie  ski  and  hert  hisself  thire  was 
a  big  hump  on  his  torrid  and  he  was  neeiiy  ded  Eonald  pikt 
him  up  and  Eose  gave  him  a  pouder  and  lie  opend  his  eyes 
and  said  Ware  am  I  and  wen  they  told  him  he  sed  he  had 
tripd  up  and  falln  thru  a  hole  in  the  ski  Eonald  tuk  him 
home  and  the  nex  morning  the  dokter  karne  to  see  him  and 
wen  he  put  out  his  tung  the  dokter  sed  he  wos  duin  nisely 
and  in  a  fu  minits  more  he  wos  quit  well.  Of  corse  the 
star  wos  verry  gratfle  and  promsd  to  do  all  kinds  of  things 
for  Eonald  so  that  nite  they  all  went  for  a  wark  tugether 
and  Eonald  told  the  star  about  his  hating  the  Moon. 

Thats  alrite  sed  the  star  I  hate  the  Moon  tu  and  I 
think  weer  going  to  have  a  war  agenst  her  sune  the  stars 
agenst  the  Moon. 

Wont  that  be  fun  sed  Eonald. 

Haha  sed  the  star  I  think  its  jest  started  hark. 

And  wen  Eonald  harked  he  herd  the  sound  of  drums  and 
trumpits  and  canons  roling  round  and  round  the  ski  and 
Eose  herd  it  tu. 

Then  sudnly  a  bugil  bugild  and  the  star  sed  thire  cuming 
to  fetch  you  to  help  them. 

Hurah  cried  our  heero  who  wos  verry  brave  and  Eose 
cried  hurah  tu  and  wen  they  lookd  agen  they  sor  a  rejment 
of  stars  warking  down  littel  golden  starstairs  and  the  stars 
came  to  them  and  srounded  them  thire  faces  were  littel  stars 
with  long  gold  hare  and  thire  brests  were  big  stars  with  flags 
made  of  lite  at  evry  point  and  they  sluted  with  thire  sords 
and  askd  Eonald  and  Eose  to  cum  and  help  them  in  thire 
terrble  battel  agenst  the  Moon. 

Certainly  sed  Eonald  but  how  can  we  get  into  the  ski 
weer  no  good  doun  here. 

O  sed  the  Genral  I  can  manige  that  pick  up  that  long 
stick  orf  the  ground  and  you  will  find  it  turn  into  a  magic 
lance  witch  will  carre  you  both  into  the  ski  you  can  take 
my  hand  if  you  like. 

So  they  tuk  his  hand  and  the  magic  lance  carred  them 
all  up  into  the  ski  and  in  a  minit  they  were  all  in  the  midel 
of  the  battel. 

Our  heero  and  Eose  did  grate  deeds  of  valler  agenst  the 
Moon  and  all  the  stars  were  verry  brave  tu  espeshly  the 
fallen  star  what  Eonald  had  pikt  up  he  wos  a  Kurnel  and 
wore  a  red  unform  with  a  silver  helmit  but  at  last  they 
were  all  tu  menny  for  the  Moon  and  wen  our  heero  pirsed  her 
face  with  the  lance  she  held  up  her  sord  to  mean  shed  had 
nuff  and  wonted  piece  then  they  put  her  in  prisn  and  kept 
her  there  till  she  promsd  to  be  better  in  futcher  Sune 
after  this  Eonald  and  Eose  went  back  to  tlie  erth  and  held 
grate  feesting  amung  thire  vassils  and  all  the  srounding 
momks  came  and  feested  with  them  Eose  went  back  to 
starland  and  livd  there  wen  her  mother  dide  so  they  were 
never  marrid  and  if  you  gessed  they  were  youre  rong. 


"When  Lord  Decies  of  England  married  Vivien  Gould  it  made  him 
a  fourth  cousin  of  Osmer  Leonard  of  Worcester." 

Worcester  (N.  K)  Times. 
Some  people  have  all  the  luck. 


The  Globe  gives  a  terrible  example  of  Draconian  justice. 
At  the  Old  Bailey,  it  tells  us,  a  prisoner  was  "  sent  to  penal 
servitude  for  ten  pears."  It  seems  a  harsh  sentence. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MARCH  15,  1911. 


NO   FKIENDS   LIKE   OLD   FKIENDS. 

ME.    PUNCH    (to     United    Italy).    "MADAM,    MY    MOST    AFFECTIONATE     CONGRATULATIONS. 
BRITANNIA    AND    I    WERE    THE    FIRST    TO    SALUTE    YOU    AT    YOUR    DEBUT." 
[The  Jubilee  of  the  Unification  of  Italy  is  shortly  to  bo  celebrated.     See  Punch  Cartoon,  March  30,  1861.] 


MARCH  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


I  ovr« 

•AUNT  MART,  THIS  is  MT  FRIEND,  ME.  SPIFFKINS." 
TM  SOBRT,  I  DIDN'T  QUITS  CATCH  TUB  NAME." 
'MR.  SPIFPKHTS." 

'I'M   REALLY   VERT   DEAF;   WOULD   TOU   MIND   REPEATING   lit 

'MR.  SPIFFKINS." 

'I'M  AFRAID    I    MUST  GIVE   IT   OP— IT  SOUNDS  TO   MB  JUST 


•SPIFFKINS.'" 


ME.  PUNCH'S    LITERAEY    ADVERTISEMENTS. 

Vox  MEA. 

WHEN,  as  a  boy,  I  sat  the  student's  stool, 
I  was  an  alto  (altos,  as  a  rule, 
Are  not  abundant  at  a  Public  School). 

I  was  a  wonder  even  then.     The  folk 

Thrilled  when  I  sang  and  marvelled  when  I  spoke — 

And  then,  oh  !  horror,  then  it  went  and  broke. 

Stunned  by  the  shock  and  muted  for  a  space 
I  held  my  peace — then  blossomed  forth  a  bass 
(Singing  the  treble  when  I  lost  the  place). 

Later,  I  figured  in  my  college  choir ; 
My  voice  was  all  that  any  could  desire, 
And  formed,  at  times,  a  menace  to  the  spire. 

Each  Sabbath  morn  I  sing ;  and  those  who  care 
To  journey  to  St.-Swithin's-in-the-Square 
(Tube  to  South  Kensington)  may  hear  me  there, 

Joining  in  Anthem,  Carol,  Chant  and  Hymn 
(Ancient  or  Modern),  with  impartial  vim, 
Much  in  the  manner  of  the  Seraphim. 


My  Muse  by  now  has  made  it  plain  enough 
(Always  supposing  you  have  read  the  stuff) 
That  I  've  a  voice  that 's  talented  and  tough. 

This  settled,  I  should  like  to  intimate 

That  it  has  never,  or,  at  any  rate, 

But  seldom,  been  in  such  a  happy  state 

As  in  the  past  few  weeks.     My  inward  springs 
Of  song,  my  glottis  and  my  vocal  strings 
(Have  you  a  glottis  ?— jolly  little  things), 

All  these  have  risen  in  a  month  or  less 
To  unknown  heights  of  vigour  and  success. 
What  is  the  reason  for  it  ?     Can  you  guess  ? 

You  can't  ?     Then  listen.     When  the  people  dote 

On  the  perfection  of  my  every  note, 

Tell  them  it 's  PINKEB'S  PASTILLES  for  the  THROAT. 


"Miss  Stapleton  Cotton  ....  was  married  on  TuesJay  jn  the 
Private  Chanel  at  Lambeth  Palace  to  Viscount  Hood  ....  Viscount 
Hood  was  unable  to  be  present  through  illness."— Church  Family 
fftteipapt  r. 

No  doubt  they  told  him  about  it. 


186 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  15,  1911. 


THEORY    AND    PRACTICE. 

"  WHAT  have  you  been  doing  since  I 
saw  you  last?  "  asked  Miss  Middleton, 
as  she  dropped  lumps  of  gugar  thought- 
fully into  my  tea.  "  One,  two,  three, 
four,  five— that  means  she  would  if  she 
could,  but  she  can't.  I  expect  she's 
engaged  already.  You'd  better  have 
one  more."  She  dropped  in  another 
lump,  explained  that  they  were  large 
cups,  and  asked  her  question  again. 
"Besides  working,"  she  added  as  an 
after-thought. 

"I've  been  learning  something,"  I 
said. 

"  But  how  brave  of  you  1  Don 't  say 
it 's  the  piano.  Music  lessons  are  such 
a  bother." 

"  No,  it  isn't  the  piano.  I  finished 
learning  that  when  I  was  a  child." 

"  Is  it  something  you  can  show  me 
in  here  after  tea?" 

I  looked  round  the  room  and  con- 
sidered. 

"  There 's  hardly  space  enough  here," 
I  said.  "  Not  when  I  'm  in  form.  It  'a 
golf,  you  know." 

"  Golf !  Slow  back,  don't  press,  keep 
your  eye  on  the  ball.  Hooray  I  " 

"  There  'B  more  in  it  than  that,"  I 
remonstrated.  "  You  've  no  idea  what 
a  lot  of  golden  rules  they  've  taught  me. 
I  'm  full  of  maxims." 

"  I  '11  beat  you.  When  will  you  play 
me  ?  But  I  expect  you  're  awfully  good 
now.  What 's  your  handicap  ?  " 

"  I  worked  it  out  at  thirty-seven 
yesterday  afternoon,  but  my  caddie  said 
I  was  playing  a  good  eighteen.  He  also 
said  his  father  was  out  of  work  and  that 
this  was  only  his  third  round  that  week. 
He  seemed  to  be  preparing  the  soil  for 
something.  I  don't  think  I  'm  really 
eighteen." 

"  I  expect  you  'd  beat  me,  anyhow. 
I  always  get  so  excited  when  I  'm  play- 
ing a  match.  I  'm  best  at  friendly 
foursomes." 

"  I  'm  best  in  the  bedroom  before  the 
looking-glass.  When  I  get  on  the  tee 
my  mind  suddenly  becomes  a  perfect 
blank.  I  give  a  waggle  or  two  just  to 
show  that  I  know  the  game,  and  then 
I  lay  my  club-head  carefully  behind  the 
ball  and  leave  it  there  while  I  try  to 
remember  all  the  things  I  've  been  told 
to  do.  There's  something  with  the 
body,  and  something  with  the  arms,  and 
something  with  the  wrists,  and  some- 
thing with  the  legs,  and  I  stand  there 
and  think  and  think,  and  by-and-by  I 
remember  some  of  them,  and  then  I 
have  to  concentrate  on  the  things  I  've 
been  told  not  to  do.  Sometimes  on  a 
very  warm  afternoon  I  stand  there  so 
long  that  I  go  to  sleep." 

"  Oh,  I  just  hit  the  ball  as  hard  as 
I  can  at  once,"  said  Miss  Middleton 


confidently.     "  Or  else  miss  it  as  hard 
as  I  can." 

"Well,  that's  what  I  decide  to  do 
at  last.  And  as  I  swing  back,  I  think  : 
I  know  I  shan't  hit  it,  I  'm  doing  it 
all  wrong,  and  I  don't  believe  my  left 
knee  is  a  bit  like  the  photographs.' 
And  I  catch  a  hasty  glance  at  the  left 
knee  as  the  club  comes  down,  and  say 
to  myself,  '  Well,  I  may  just  as  well  go 
through  with  it  now,  and  then  I  can 
have  a  really  good  drive  at  the  next 
tee,'  and  my  opponent  says,  '  Bad 
luck ! '  and  to  my  great  surprise  the 
hall  lands  a  whole  fifty  yards  away." 

"  Eye  on  the  ball,  Sir." 

"  Yes,  yes,  I  know.  I  wonder  if  it 
would  help  me  if  I  wore  blinkers  ?  " 

"  Of  course,  the  great  thing,"  said 
Miss  Middleton,  "  is  confidence.  If  you 
feel  you're  going  to  hit  the  ball " 

"  Nothing  has  ever  happened  on  the 
previous  tee  to  make  me  feel  that." 

"But  you  must  be  able  to  hit  it 
sometimes,  if  I  can." 

"Yes,  I  do.  Quite  a  lot  of  times. 
Now,  in  my  round  yesterday  afternoon, 
out  of  twenty  drives  from  the  tee " 

"  Oh,  is  yours  a  twenty-hole  course  ?  " 

"  You  don't  understand.  Two  of  my 
drives  were  encored.  Well,  out  of 
twenty  shots  I  got  in  nine  good  ones, 
— but  each  one  of  those  nine  surprised 
me  intensely." 

"  I  don't  think  that  matters.  If  one 
isn't  surprised  oneself,  the  others 
always  are.  I'm  a, bit  surprised  some- 
times." 

"Well.these  perpetual  surprises  aren't 
good  for  the  nerves.  Anyway,  they 
don't  establish  confidence." 

"  But  you  can  always  recover  with 
an  iron  or  something.  I  'm  awfully 
good  with  an  iron." 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  recover  all  right.  I  never 
give  in.  For  instance,  I  pulled  the 
eleventh  hole  out  of  the  fire  yesterday 
when  it  seemed  absolutely  lost."  . 

"Do  tell  me,"  said  Miss  Middleton, 
eagerly.  "  I  know  you  do  want  to  tell 
me,  don't  you?  " 

"  I  think  you  ought  to  hear.  It  may 
be  a  lesson  to  you.  Well,  he  had  the 
honour,  and  drove  a  very  long  ball  out 
of  sight.  I  sliced  my  drive  into  the  tee 
box,  had  to  take  a  niblick  to  get  out, 
and  laid  my  third  dead  on  the  tenth 
green.  Then " 

"  Did  you  say  you  had  mistaken  the 
flag?" 

"  I  didn't.  I  took  a  brassie  and  got 
back  on  the  tee  again,  and  then  had 
three  beautiful  iron  shots  which  brought 
me  up  to  him.  That  was  seven,  and 
my  eighth  landed  me  in  an  impossible 
position  on  the  beach.  You  would 
probably  have  picked  up  at  thii 
point." 

"  I  wouldn't,"  said  Miss  Middleton, 


indignantly.     "  I  love  playing  on  the 
jeach." 

"  Well,  some  people  would.  I  didn't. 
I  got  to  work  with  the  niblick  again. 
Meanwhile  my  opponent,  who,  I  should 
liave  said,  was  conceding  me  a  stroke, 
pulled  his  second  on  to  the  beach  too. 
Fortunately — I  mean  unfortunately — 
be  never  found  his  ball.  And  so  the 
bole  was  mine.  Which  so  bucked  me 
up  that  I  did  the  twelfth  in  two." 

I  leant  back  and  waited  for  the 
applause. 

"  Well  done!  "  said  Miss  Middleton. 
'  Like  the  hare  and  the  tortoise." 

"  Not  at  all,"  I  said  indignantly. 
'  Don't  call  rue  a  tortoise." 

"  I  'm  sorry,"  said  Miss  Middleton, 
penitently.  "  I  meant  '  Boys  of  the 
bull-dog  breed.' " 

"  Yes,  that 's  it.  Grittish  Brit — 
British  grit,  that 's  what  did  it.  The 
spirit  which  never  knows  when  it  is 
beaten." 

"  Were  you  beaten  ?  " 

"I  won  the  bye.  Many  people  let 
their  grip  of  the  game  relax  at  the  bye, 
but  I  stuck  to  it." 

"  1  can  see  I  shall  have  to  play  you," 
said  Miss  Middleton.  "  You  mustn't 
get  too  successful.  What  about  to- 
morrow ?  " 

"  Well,  I  did  think  of  having  a  lesson 
to-morrow  so  as  to  find  out  again  from 
my  man  all  the  things  I  mustn't  do, 
so  that  I  could  write  them  out  and 
paste  them  on  the  head  of  my  driver. 
Then  while  I  'm  standing  over  the  ball 
on  the  tee  I  can  refresh  my  memory 
before  swinging.  But  after  what  you  've 
said  I  don't  think  I  will." 

"  Oh,  what  have  I  said?  " 

"  Why,  that  the  great  thing  was  to 
hit  the  ball.  Blow  the  rules.  I'll 
play  you  to-morrow,  and  I  '11  forget  all 
about  them,  and  just  keep  my  eye  on 
the  ball  and  hit  it." 

"  Oh,  but  you  mustn't  do  that.  That 
isn't  fair." 

I  laughed  and  got  up. 

"  You  've  done  me  a  lot  of  good,"  I 
said,  "  and  I  shall  beat  you  to-morrow. 
Thank  you  so  much  for  listening  to 
me." 

"  I  wish  I  hadn't,"  said  Miss 
Middleton  nervously.  "I  know  my 
swing  's  all  wrong.  Let  me  see,  what 
is  it  you  do  with  the  left  knee  ?  " 

A.  A.  M. 


"  Preston  North  End  are  to  be  asked  what 
portion  of  the  transfer  fee  was  paid  to  D. 
McLean  and  to  Edward  Plain,  the  circum- 
stances and  reason  of  such  payment." 

Manchester  Evening  Neu's. 

Dear  old  Ed.  Plain,  the  famous  out- 
side left,  is  often  mistaken  for  his 
brother,  Ex.  Plain  —  particularly  by 
compositors. 


MARCH  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


187 


THE    PIONEER 


She  dressed  herself  in  the  late  st  mode, 
And  left  her  house  in  the  Brompton  Road, 


To  popularise  the  harem  kit, 

Cut  she  found  that  nobody  noticed  it 


r 


And  the  ribald  laughter  she  hoped  to  heir 
Never  assailed  her  w  keful  ear. 


So  she  gave  a  street-boy  twopence  to  scoff, 
But,  just  as  the  urchin  was  starting  off, 


A  scandalized  constable  made  a  grab — 
And  home  she  went  in  a  taxi-cab. 


few-'* 

•  //''       .'..I'  r      " 
.if/.  *-**"«> 

f  'I  ?"'"^5) 

And,  being  fed  up  with  the  whole  affair, 
Adapted  the  thing  for  her  husband's  wear. 


188 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH    15,    1911. 


THE    MASTERPIECE   OF  THE  ACE. 

I. — THE  WHOLE  BOILING. 

LET  us  at  once  state  that  it  is 
stupendous.  It  weighs  several  hundred- 
weight :  enough  to  fortify  the  door  of 
any  reviewer  against  duns  and  writ- 
servers.  It  is  alphabetical:  you  have 
but  to  know  how  any  subject  on  which 
you  seek  information  is  spelt  and  you 
will  be  instructed.  Those  students 
who  cannot  spell  are  advised  to  use  it 
in  collaboration  with  a  dictionary. 

Supposing,  for  example,  that  you  find 
yourself  in  the  same  predicament  as  a 
famous  man  of  old  and  need  some  facts 
on  Chinese  metaphysics.  All  you  have 
to  do  is  to  swing  the  crane  loose,  adjust 
the  chain  to  the  volume  containing 
China,  set  the  machinery  in  motion,  and 
depasit  it  on  your  desk.  Then  you 
apply  the  same  process  to  the  volume 
containing  Metaphysics,  and  combine 
the  information. 

In  short,  no  strongly  built  house 
should  be  without  these  instructive 
volumes,  which  have  cost  so  much 
time  and  money  in  paper,  ink,  binding, 
advertising  and  public  dinners,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  hire  of  experts. 

Finally  we  may  remark  that  they 
make  the  purchasers  of  the  previous 
edition,  who  were  by  no  means  few, 
look  rather  foolish.  Let  them,  how- 
ever, take  heart  and  concentrate  their 
thought  on  the  state  of  mind  of  the 
purchasers  of  this  edition  when  the 
next  comes  along,  as  surely  it  will, 
from  the  banks  of  the  reverend  Cam. 
While  there  is  life  there  is  hope — for  a 
new  Encyclo.  Britt. 

II. — LITERATURE  ra  THE  NEW 
EDITION. 

By  Prof.  Claudius  Clemgoss,  D.Litt. 

The  literary  articles  in  the  superb 
work  before  us,  which  we  are  glad, 
indeed,  to  own,  are  without  exception 
marvels  of  form,  accuracy  and  sound 
judgment.  We  read  them  all  at  a  sitting, 
and  are  now  bulging  with  culture. 
If  we  have  a  criticism,  it  is  that 
several  of  the  writers  seem  to  be  sin- 
gularly ill-equipped  for  their  task.  The 
author  of  the  article  on  the  BRONTES, 
for  example,  seems  to  be  totally  un- 
aware that  Lord  NELSON,  whose  title 
was,  of  course,  NELSON  and  BRONTE, 
was  poor  CHARLOTTE'S  long  lost  brother, 
occupying  the  same  close  relationship 
to  EMILY  and  ANN.  Any  ordinary 
student  of  the  BRONTE  family  could 
have  told  him  this.  On  the  other  hand, 
when  he  states  that  CHARLOTTE  BRONTE 
\\vote  the  early  chapters  of  Jane  Eyre 
in  the  upper  room  in  "  Eyre  Arms," 
in  the  Finchley  Eoad,  he  is  merely 
making  the  wish  the  father  to  the 


thought.  Apart  from  these  blemishes 
the  article  is  magnificent  and  well 
worth  the  price  of  the  whole  edition, 
which,  if  we  knew  it,  we  would 
quote. 

III. — BILLIARDS  IN  THE  NEW  EDITION. 

By  Canon  Dlggle. 

We  have  perused  with  the  deepest 
interest  the  fascinating  remarks  on  the 
great  indoor  game  in  the  voluminous 
and  meritorious  work  which  recently 
stole  into  existence  from  the  Cambridge 
University  Press  ;  but  to  our  astonish- 
ment we  can  find  no  mention  of  the 
latest  records  of  GEORGE  GRAY,  the 
marvellous  boy  who  has  completely 
eclipsed  the  fame  of  his  namesake 
THOMAS.  In  an  edition  labelled  "  up  to 
date  "  in  every  newspaper,  this  surely  is 
a  sad  discrepancy.  Of  the  difficulties 
of  keeping  abreast  of  the  times  from 
day  to  day  we  are  aware,  but  surely 
the  ingenuity  of  the  set  of  men  who 
have  invented  so  many  devices  for 
advertising  their  wares  could  have  hit 
on  some  means  of  altering  the  figures 
in  the  billiard  article  for  the  benefit  of 
subscribers,  e.g.  a  circular  posted  to  each 
one  every  morning  with  the  latest  records 
on  some  "  stop  press  "  system.  It  is 
not  my  province  to  teach,  merely  to 
censure. 

IV. — ART  ra  THE  NEW  EDITION. 
By  Eager  Loose  Hind. 

Whatever  one  may  say  of  the  solidity 
of  these  wonderful  volumes,  there 
cannot  be  two  opinions  as  to  their 
value.  They  stand  alone.  We  have 
tried  the  experiment  with  each  volume 
and  proved  it.  Whether  or  not  the 
best  man  has  been  obtained  for  each 
article  is  a  point  we  should  prefer  to 
leave  to  them  to  decide.  The  experts 
are  well  known ;  their  addresses  are  in 
Who 's  Who ;  and  if  the  Editor  over- 
looks them  his  be  the  blame  and 
penalty.  But  it  is  not  so  much  the 
maladroit  selection  of  writers  in  this 
otherwise  glorious  work,  which  we  are 
delighted  to  possess,  as  the  omissions 
that  are  so  distressing.  We  turn  to 
M.  hoping  to  find  that  superb  genius, 
MATISSE,  but  in  vain.  And  yet  his 
"  Woman  with  the  Green  Eyes  "  will 
undoubtedly  be  a  living  force  when  all 
TURNER'S  golden  visions  ar«  forgotten. 
Just  think  of  giving  no  column— or 
indeed  columns — to  a  man  whose  work 
would  honour  any  pavement,  we  care 
not  where  it  is.  But  this,  after  all,  is 
only  a  trifle.  The  work  as  a  whole  is 
a  triumph.  Nothing  mars  the  con- 
tributions on  art  but  a  totally  false 
view  of  what  art  has  been,  is,  and 
should  be.  Everyone  should  purchase 
a  complete  set. 


V. — Music  IN  THE  NEW  EDITION. 

By  Sir  Sandow  Donald,  Mus.Doc.,  and 
Professor  Newman  Sloggs. 

There  can  be  no  doubt  that,  whether 
we  look  at  the  length  of  the  articles 
or  their  weight,  nothing  like  them  has 
yet  been  seen  in  any  similar  work. 
Some  captious  critic  may  be  inclined 
to  cavil  at  the  fact  that  ninety  columns 
have  been  assigned  to  the  Piccolo, 
while  WAGNER  is  disposed  of  in  ten. 
The  absence  of  a  portrait  of  Madame 
AINO  ACKTE  and  the  omission  of  the 
fee  received  by  BICHARD  STRAUSS  for 
conducting  at  the  opening  of  Messrs. 
WANAMAKER'S  new  building  in  New 
York  are  unfortunate  oversights  ;  and 
the  inclusion  of  MENDELSSOHN,  while 
no  mention  is  made  of  Mr.  CLUTSAM  or 
Lord  TANKERVILLE,  is  distinctly  un- 
patriotic. Still,  when  all  deductions 
have  been  made,  the  work  has  been 
done  in  a  way  calculated  to  stagger 
musical  humanity.  Anything  more 
gloriously  illuminative  than  the  illus- 
trations to  Miss  Porringer's  article  on 
the  Contra-Pontoon  cannot  easily  be 
imagined,  while  Dr.  Slithy's  monograph 
on  the  prospective  plagiarisms  of 
Orlando  Lasso  is  a  masterpiece  of 
remorseless  erudition. 


We  gather  from  the  Crewkerne  Ad- 
vertising Sheet  that  there  has  been 
some  friction  between  the  Urban  District 
Council  and  Mr.  A.  H.  Hussey,  the  lay 
rector,  as  to  the  organisation  of  the 
local  Coronation  festivities.  "  I  fear," 
writes  a  correspondent  to  the  paper, 
"  after  the  insult  offered  to  Mr.  Hussey 
that  the  Coronation  will  be  a  fiasco." 
However,  there  is  a  rumour  in  London 
i  that  in  spite  of  this  risk  it  will  still 
be  proceeded  with. 


"  Speaking  at  the  Plymouth  Library  lecture 

on  Saturday,   Mr.  Arthur  Spurgeou  said   that 

though   their  great   Devonshire   novelist,  Mr. 

'  Philpotts,  had  been  influenced  by  Mr.  Thomas 

Hardy,  he  had  struck  out  a  line  of  his  own  .  .  . 

To  be  quite   candid,  Mr.  Eden   Phillpotts's 

books  would  not  be  admirable  lor  Sunday  School 

prizes. "—  Western  Evening  Herald. 

At  least,  he  would  have  to  strike  out 
a  few  more  lines  first. 


"Twelve  Pure  Buff  Orpington  Eggs  (hens'), 
3s.,  carriage  paid." 

Advt.  in  "Devon  and  Exeter  Gazette.." 

We  guessed  hens  at  once. 


£100,000 

FOR  A   PlCTUBB 

ILLUSTRATED. 
"Daily  News  "  Contents  Bill. 

\  We  prefer  them  so,  at  that  price. 


MARCH  15,  1'Jll.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


Guide  (showitig  Addison-,  monument  in  Westminster  Abbey  to  Tourist  Party).   "Tnis  is  HEDDISOX'S  MONUMENT  ' 
Superior  Person.  "OH— AH  I  I  KNOW;   THAT'S  THE  LIGHTHOUSE  FELLOW." 


SALLY  SLUGABED. 
A  MOEAL  TALE  FOB  THE  LITTLE  ONES. 

"  GET  up,  you  lazy,  good-for-nothing 
child  !  "  cried  Sally's  mother  one  foggy 
November  morning.  But  Sally  only 
grunted  and  turned  herself  over  for 
another  half-hour's  sleep.  The  same 
thing  happened  every  day.  Her  sisters 
always  down  punctually  at  half- 
past  seven,  and  took  breakfast  with  their 
dear  father,  who  had  to  leave  for  the 
City  at  eight.  And  thus  they  enjoyed 
to  the  full  the  benefit  of  his  valuable 
conversation  and  his  searching  ques- 
tions, and  listened  carefully  while  their ' 
mother  sought  to  inform  him  why  his 
'V^  was  hard  boiled,  and  why  the 
kidnt-ys  were  underdone,  and  whether 
she  called  that  coffee.  But  Sally,  who 
could  not  be  made  to  see  how  go'od  the ' 
morning  air  was  for  the  mind, 
misse  hill  tliis,  and  came  down  regularly 
i  o'clock  in  an  aggravatingly  good 
temper;  and  her  bath  was  always  hot. 

On  this  foggy  November  morning 
Sally's  mother,  who  was  called  Mrs. 
Weston  (after  her  husband),  was  espe- 
cially unnoyed,  because  the  sweep,  who 


had  been  ordered  for  six,  had  not  turned 
up  till  nearly  7.30,  so  Mr.  Weston  had 
had  a  cold  and  sooty  breakfast,  and  his 
conversation  had  been  even  brisker  than 
usual.  But  by  the  time  Sally  came 
down  the  fires  were  alight  and  every- 
thing was  shipshape. 

'  Do  you  realise,  you  improvident 
child,"  said  her  distressed  mother, 
"  how  many  years  of  your  life  you  are 
wasting  by  such  conduct?  Susie  has 
just  worked  it  out,  and  it  comes  to 
nearly  forty  days  a  year." 

"  But  you  know,  Mama,"  answered 
Sally,  "  I  am  always  willing  to  stay  up 
extra  late  in  order  to  make  up  for  it. 
And  I  am  sure  that  at  night  Papa  is 
much " 

"That  will  do,"  said  Mrs.  Weston 
hastily.  "  Miss  Pinker  is  waiting  for 
you  in  the  schoolroom." 

In  the  schoolroom  Sally  was  imme- 
diately made  to  declare  ten  times  in 
her  best-  writing  that  the  early  bird 
caught  the  worm  ;  for,  try  as  she  would, 
she  could  not  get  her  governess  to 
understand  that  there  was  another  side 
to  the  question,  and  that  the  late  worm 
avoided  the  early  bird.  "Little  girls," 


said  Miss  Pinker  severely,  "are  not 
worms ;  they  have  no  early  bird  to 
avoid."  "But  what  about  Papa?" 
asked  Sally. 

But  after  a  time  she  grew  tired  of 
her  mother's  lectures  and  her  gover- 
ness's ideas  about  early  birds.  So  one 
day  she  announced  that  she  was  going 
to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  and  not  waste 
any  more  of  the  precious  morning 
hours.  Everybody  was  overjoyed  to 
hear  this,  and  next  morning,  true  to 
her  word,  Sally  got  up  at  six  o'clock, 
went  downstairs,  and  commenced  prac- 
tising her  scales  with  the  loud  pedal 
down.  In  ten  minutes'  time  Mr. 
Weston  entered  the  room  in  his  dress- 
ing-gown, picked  his  daughter  up  in 
his  arms,  carried  her  to  her  bedroom, 
and  locked  her  in. 

After  that  there  were  no  more  lec- 
tures, and  Miss  Pinker  was  asked  to 
get  a  new  set  of  copy-book  maxims. 
But  I  am  sure  that  Sally,  who  is  now 
grown  up  and  still  as  great  a  slugabed 
as  ever,  will  never  marry  a  nice  earnest 
young  curate,  as  her  sister  Susie  did 
last  year ;  and  I,  for  one,  shall  have  no 
sympathy  for  her  if  she  doesn't. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH    15,    1911. 


Commander.  "WHAT'S  HIS  CHARACTER.  APART  FROM  THIS  LEAVE-BREAKING?" 

Petty  Officer.  "WELL,  SIR,  THIS  MAN  'u  GOES  ASHORE  WHEN  'E  LIKES;  'E  COMES  OFF  WHEN  'E  LIKES  ;  'E  USES  'OURIBLE  LANGUAGE 

WHEN   'E'S   SPOKEN   TO;  IN   FACT,    FP.OM   'is   GENERAL   BE'AVIOCB  *E   MIGHT  BE  A  ORFICER  !  " 


TO    METHUSELAH. 

[One  of  the  giant  tortoises  at  the  Zoo  is  supposed  to  be  about  250 
years  old.  During  his  winter  retirement  the  authorities  are  sometimes 
in  doubt  as  to  whether  he  is  dead  or  merely  in  a  trance.] 

COME  from  the  hole  where  the  dark  days  drew  thee, 

Wake,  Methuselah  !  Wag  thy  tail ! 
Sniff  the  snare  of  the  winds  that  woo  thee, 

Sun-kissed  cabbage  and  sea-blown  kale. 
To  the  salted  breath  of  the  sea-bear's  grot 
And  the  low  swest  laugh  of  the  hippopot 
Wake,  for  thy  devotees  can't  undo  thee 
To  see  if  thou  really  art  live  and  hale. 

Leap  to  life,  as  the  leaping  squirrel 

Flies  in  fear  of  the  squirming  skink ; 
Gladden  the  heart  of  the  keeper,  TYRRELL  ; 

Give  Mr.  POCOCK  a  friendly  wink ! 
Flap  thy  flippers,  O  thou  most  fleet, 
As  once  in  joyance  of  things  to  eat ; 
Bid  us  note  that  thou  still  art  virile, 
And  not  imbibing  at  Lethe's  brink. 

Art  thou  sleeping,  and  wilt  thou  waken  ? 

Hast  thou  passed  to  the  Great  Beyond, 
Where  the  Arctic  Auk  and  the  cavernous  Kraken 

Frisk  and  footle  with  all  things  fond  ; 
Where  the  Dodo  fowl  and  the  great  Dinornis 
Boost  with  the  Eoc  and  the  Aepyornis, 
Where  the  dew  drips  down  from  the  tree-fern  shaken 
As  the  Pismire  patters  through  flower  and  frond  ? 


Art  thou  sleeping,  adream  of  orgies 

In  sandy  coves  of  the  Seychelle  Isles, 
Or  where  in  warm  Galapagos  gorges 

The  ocean  echoes  for  miles  and  miles? 
Of  sun-warmed  wastes  where  the  wind  sonorous 
Roared  again  to  thy  full-mouthed  chorus, 
Far  from  bibulous  Bills  and  Georges 

That  smack  thee  rudely  with  ribald  smiles  ? 

Dost  thou  dream  how,  a  trifling  tortoise, 

The  hot  sun  hatched  thee  in  shifting  sand, 
Before  the  wrongs  that  the  Roundheads  wrought  us 

Set  OLIVER  CROMWELL  to  rule  the  land  ? 
Of  an  early  courtship,  when  PYM  and  his  carls 
Were  making  things  lively  for  good  KING  CHARLES  ? 
Not  one  left  of  them !     Exit  sortus 

(HORACE),  but  thou  art  still  on  hand. 

Grant,  thou  monarch  of  eld,  a  token 

Of  blood  new-fired  with  the  fire  of  Spring  ; 
For  the  crowbar  's  bent  and  the  pickaxe  broken 

With  which  we  endeavoured  to  "  knock  and  ring." 
At  the  warm  love-thrill  of  the  Spring's  behest 
That  biddeth  the  mating  bird  to  nest, 
Wake  to  the  word  that  the  wind  hath  spoken, 
Wake,  old  sportsman,  and  have  thy  fling  1 

ALGOL. 

The  sculptor  of  the  Edinburgh  Memorial  of  the  late 
Mr.  GLADSTONE  is  Mr.  PITTENDRIGH  MACGILLIVAG.  He  is 
said  to  be  a  Scotsman. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MARCH  15,  1911. 


A  PERFECT    'SITTER." 

REFOBMING  FISEB.  "WANT    A    MODEL?" 

H.   H.   ASQVITH,    R.A.     "NO,    THANKS;    I    FIND    I    WORK    SO    MUCH    BETTER    WITH   THE 
LAY    FIGURE." 


MARCH  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TODY,  M.  P. ) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  March  G. 
— Relations  between  two  Houses,  long 
topic  for  animated  controversy,  threaten 
to  be  settled  in  novel  fashion.  Rem- 
nants left  of  either  assembly  will  be 
removed  to  hospital  beds,  where,  under 
due  restraint,  conversation  may  be 
continued.  The  "  weding  awa  "  which 
goes  on  owing  to  break-down  in  health 
already  considerable.  In  the  Commons 
to-night  we  have  no  SPEAKER  and  no 

The 
the 


CHANCELLOR  OP  THE  EXCHEQUER. 
Lords  lament  the  absence  of 
LEADER  OF  THE  OP- 
POSITION and  the 
SECRETARY  OP  STATE 
FOR  INDIA.  Pace  dur- 
ing last  few  years 
evidently  too  fast. 
What  with  annual 
General  Election, 
autumn  sessions, 
Party  meetings  in 
private  houses,  suc- 
cession of  crises  in 
both  political  camps, 
individual  breakdown 
of  leaders  inevitable. 
Meanwhile  SWIFT 
MACNEILL  bears  np 
bravely.  For  keeping 
a  sound  mind  in  . 
sound  body  nothii  ,• 
like  windmill  action 
with  the  arms  when 
speech  -making. 
Seems  to  circulate  the 
blood  and  clarify  the 
brain.  Additional 
attraction  lent  to  his 
interposition  byits  un- 
expectedness. When 
old  Members  observe 
him  enter  with  a 


Constitutional  question, 
straight     on,     enquiry 


Had  he  gone  not 
would      have 


be    put    an  1    answered."      "The 
answer    is,"    promptly  responded   the 


reached  proportions  of  ordinary  speech.   PKIMK  MINISTER,  "  that  I  cannot  give 

I  •'.  i  i  t         -it         *  >n  i  I        i  \f        Ti  rc  fc       cit\-i\rt         rrt  1*111  tna       nn\r    oii/>Vt    n  >-«  >  1  <  >**f    .  1-  I  « .  , »    ' ' 


But    at    end    of    first    seven 
there  were  cries  of  "  Order  I 


minutes   any  such  undertaking.' 

The   brevity    of    this    matter-of-fact 


section  of  contents  of  Library  in  his 
arms  they  know  he  is  about  to  settle 
some  musty  question  of  constitutional 
practice.  What  they  don't  know,  and 
whereat  they  wonder  is,  where  will  he 
come  in  ?  On  what  peg  will  he  hang 
his  learned  ruling  ? 

This  afternoon  broke  out  in  quite 
unforeseen  place.  DOUGLAS  HALL  had 
on  Paper  innocent-looking  but  subtly 
framed  question  suggesting  that  dis- 
cussion of  Committee  stage  of  Veto 
Bill  should  not  proceed  in  Commons 
until  LANSDOWNE'S  Bill  reforming 
House  of  Lords  had  been  introduced 
in  another  place'.  SWIFT  MACNEILL'S 


piercing    eye 
infringement 


discovered    in    enquiry 
of     indjpendence     and 


privilege  of  House  of  Commons.  In 
support  of  this  thesis  he,  interposing 
between  HALL  and  PRIME  MINISTER, 
read  at  considerable  length  an  essay  on 


Putting  aside  his  manuscript,  the  reply  to  stupendous  discourse  greatly 
Professor  of  Constitutional  and ;  amused  Assembly  quickest  in  the 
Criminal  Law  at  King's  Inns,  Dublin,  world  to  see  a  point, 
turned  and  faced  the  interrupter,  Business  done. — In  Committee  on 
addressing  to  him  a  few  cautionary  Supplementary  Estimates, 
remarks.  Returning  to  the  essay,  he  Tuesday. — Few  Members  of  Govern- 
suggested  that  perhaps  it  would  be  ment  exceed  HouHouaE  in  regularity  of 
convenient  if  he  began  again  at  the  attendance  at  Question  time.  Financial 
beginning.  A  howl  of  despair  rising  Secretary  to  Treasury  is  the  Minis- 
from  the  throat  of  Ulster  seated  above  terial  maid-of-all-work.  If  any  of  his 
the  Gangway,  the  lineal  descendant  of  colleagues  be  absent  on  business  or 

through  indisposition, 
he  reads  Answers  to 
Questions  drafted  by 
Department  con- 
cerned. Much  to  the 
fore  of  late  owing  to 
slack  attendance  of 
LLOYD  GEORGE  for 
reasons  everyone 
deplores.  This  habit 
made  more  striking 
emptiness  of  corner 
seat  on  Treasury 
Bench  usually  filled 
by  him.  Explanation 
forthcoming  when 
Question  13  was 
reached,  and  Member 
for  King's  County 
was  called  on. 

"  Postponed  by  re- 
quest," explained  lion. 
Member. 

The  House,  turning 
with  one  consent  to 
see  what  the  Question 
might  be  about,  found 
in  its  terms  sufficient 
reason  to  put  to  flight 
the  doughtiest  Secre- 
tary to  the  Treasury, 
asked  HOBHOUSE 


HOEATIO  THE   "  CORNER-MAN." 
(Mr.  BOTTOMLEY  spoke  of  himself  as  the  "Corner-Man"  of  the  Liberal  side.) 


the  last  JOHN  MACNEILI.,  Laird  of 
Bowry,  of  Speaker  LENTHALL  of  the 
Long  Parliament  (hence  the  lengthy 
question),  and  of  DEAN  SWIFT'S  uncle 
and  guardian,  folding  his  arms,  turned 
upon  Captain  CRAIG  and  the  Member 
for  North  Armagh  a  look  in  which 
sorrow,  indignation  and  pity  were 
eloquently  mingled.  As  for  DOUGLAS 
HALL,  who  had  put  the  original 
Question,  his  existence  was  by  this 
time  absolutely  forgotten. 

Having  shrivelled  up  the  guilty 
Ulster  Members,  SWIFT  MACNEILL, 
profiting  by  effect  of  threat  to  read  his 
paper  all  over  again  from  the  beginning, '  community  whose  life  had  passed  limit 


FRANCIS  MEEHAN 
"  whether  he  would  state  on  what 
grounds  Margaret  Haste,  of  Banagher, 
Fivemilebourne,  Sligo  district,  No.  292, 
was  deprived  of  an  old  age  pension 
notwithstanding  the  fact  that  her  age 
was  found  in  the  Census  of  1851  to  be 
ten  years,  and  on  further  search  in  the 
Record  Office  she  was  shown  to  be  two 
years  of  age  in  1841  ?  " 

From  the  first  been  some  astounding 
evolutions  in  Ireland  in  connection 
with  Old  Age  Pensions.  Passing  of 
Act  revealed  to  amazement  of  man- 
kind unprecedented  proportion  of  the 


was   allowed   to   reach  its  portentous 
conclusion  in  comparative  silence. 

Two  little  touches  of  comedy  followed 
upon  tragic  interlude.  DEPUTY  SPEAKER 
remarked,  "  I  do  not  see  any  reason 


of  threescore  years  and  ten.     Here  was 
a  new  and,  by  reason  of  its  definiteness,  I 
a  more  difficult  problem.     It  is  only  in  | 
Ireland  that  a  child  two  years  of  age  j 
in  1841  should  be  aged  ten  in  1831. 


why  the  Question  on  the  Paper  should  As  SABK,  who  otherwise  gives  up  the 


194 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MABCH    15,    1911. 


Puzzle,  says,  this  early  episode  in  the 
life  of  MARGARET  illustrates  old  saying 
about  "  the  more  Haste  the  less 
speed."  MARGARET  lost  two  years  in  a 
decade. 

HOBHOUSE  thinking  the  matter  out 
in  solitude  of  his  office  at  the  Treasury. 
Mr.  MKKHAN  not  to  be  put  off.  Will 
repeat  Question  on  return  of  SECRETARY. 
Answer  looked  forward  to  with  keen 
interest. 

Business  done. — Working  off  odds 
and  ends  of  last  year's  Budget. 

House  of  Lords,  Thursday. — Through 
the  week  noble  Lords  have  been  as 
sheep  without  shepherds.  By  sac 
coincidence  leaders  on  both  sides  con- 
fined to  room  by  illness.  To  LANS 
DOWNE  period  of  enforced  retirement 
exceptionally  provoking.  But  for  mis- 
adventure he  would  this  week  have 
found  opportunity  for  introducing 
scheme  of  reform  of  House  of  Lords 
the  well-considered  proposal  of  a 
united  enthusiastic  Party. 

Sadder  still  fate  of  gallant  Cap- 
tain of  scanty  Ministerial  squadron. 
Literally  stricken  down  in  full  stride 
of  strenuous,  successful  career,  he  has 
been  carried  off  the  battle-field  amid 
deepest  regret,  profoundcst  sympathy 
of  contending  hosts. 

Leader  of  overwhelming  majority, 
LANSDOWNE  has  his  'iifficulties,  not 
less  embarrassing  because  many  are, 
more  or  less  successfully,  concealed 
from  public  gaze.  In  his  capacity  of 
spokesman  of  what  numerically  is  a 
miserable  minority,  CBEWE'S  position  is 
one  of  recurrent  humiliation.  Repre- 
sentative of  a  Government  omnipotent 
in  the  other  House,  he  from  day  to 


THE  ATTITUDE  OF  THE  LABOUR 
PARTY. 

"Carry  the  Parliament  Bill! — Rather." 
"Honestly   carry   out    the   pledges   of  the 
preamble  f — Never  111" 

day  throughout  the  Session  is  made 
conscious  of  absolute,  unmitigated, 
helplessness.  The  Government  may 
propose;  the  Opposition  dispose.  On 
;he  other  hand,  a  Bill  or  motion  sub- 
mitted from  other  side,  even  if  it  do  not 
receive  unqualified  support  from  Front 
Opposition  Bench,  will  be  carried  in 
spite  of  whatsoever  protest  or  appeal 


may   be   raised    by   LEADER    OF    THE 
HOUSE. 

This  a  state  of  things  searing  to  th 
soul.     Lord  CREWE  has  faced  it  wit! 
a  serenity  of  temper,  an  invulnerable 
patience,  an  unfailing  urbanity  which 
whilst  endearing  him  to  his  own  party 
has    extorted   the   admiration    of    his 
political  opponents. 


The  Veteran  Viscount  MOKLEY  takes  over  the 
command  of  the  "Thin  Red  Line"  in  the 
House  of  Lords  in  the  thick  of  tha  fighting. 
(As  a  little  extra  he  also  resumes  cciitrol  of  the 
India  Office.) 

Business  done. — Commons  still  at 
work  on  Money  votes. 


THE    HEEO    SPEAKS. 
THE  NEWSPAPER'S  VERSION. 

MR.  JOSEPH  BINKS  received  our 
representative  courteously  during  the 
quiet  hour  following  his  evening  meal. 
"  Little  did  I  think,"  he  remarked,  "  as 
I  proceeded  to  my  daily  labour  yesterday 
morning,  that  I  was  to  pass  through 
experiences  so  overwhelming  in  their 
intense  excitement  and  so  fraught 
with  deadly  peril.  I  perceived  smoke 
issuing  from  the  upper  windows  of 
No.  973,  Brabazon  Terrace,  and  in  a 
flash  something  told  me  that  the  place 
was  on  fire.  '  Heavens ! '  I  exclaimed ; 
there  are  people  sleeping  there,  little 
dreaming  of  the  danger  that  threatens 
them.  Perhaps  helpless  children!' 
Divesting  myself  of  my  coat,  I  burst 
open  the  front  door  without  waiting  on 
ceremony,  and  rushed  up  the  stairs, 
calling  '  Fire ! '  as  I  ran.  The  top 
ending  was  in  a  blaze;  the  fumes  of 
the  burning  woodwork  well-nigh  choked 
me ;  but  on  I  went.  A  cry,  the  cry  of 
a  frightened  woman,  assailed  my  ears, 
and  I  leapt  in  the  direction  from  whence 
t  issued Hastily  wrapping  a| 


blanket  about  her,  I  picked  her  up 
|  none  too  gently,  I  fear,  and  started  to 
return.  But,  horrors!  the  stairs  hac 
fallen  in  one  blazing  mass.  A  veritable 
inferno  roared  beneath  us.  The  win 
dow  was  our  only  chance.  But  the 
cruel  ilarnes  were  already  licking  the 
paint  from  the  sashes.  However 
gripping  my  charge  as  in  a  vice,  ] 
crept  cautiously "  and  so  on. 

WHAT  THE  HERO  REALLY  PAID. 
"  That 's  me,  mister — W'ich  paper? 
No,  never  'eard  of  it ;  always  reads  The 
Star  myself. — Yus,  I  did. — Yus.— Yus. 
— No,  left-'and  side,  goin'  towards  the 
Tgh  Eoad.— Yus. — Well,  if  you  like  to 
put  it  that  way,  I  s'pose  it  was. — Yus. 
—Yus,  wot  you  might  call  a  bit  'ot. — 
Oh,  yus!— Not  'aril— Yus.— That 
right.  —  Yus.  —  Well,  thank  'ee,  Sir  ; 
don't  mind  if  I  do !  " 


THE    KNEEBAGS. 

Now   Herbert   Preeps   was   kind    and 

stout, 
And  nothing  seemed  to  put  him  out. 

And   Herbert    Preeps   was    stoufc   and 

kind  ; 
His  golden  rule  was  "  Never  mind." 

He  was  not  in  the  least  enraged 
To  find  tbao  he  bad  got  engaged. 

Where  you  'd  havr  been  intensely  riled, 
He  merely  stroke. '    lis  chin  and  smiled. 

He  chose  the  ring  end  paid  for  it, 
And  did  not  care  a  little  bit. 

He  simply  went  on  smiling  still, 
And  asked  no  discount  off  the  bill. 

The  queerest  coif,  the  largest  hat, 
The  worst  and  most  appalling  spat 

Did  not  avail  an  inch  to  stir 

Sis  spleen.     He  said,  "  It  pleases  her." 

But  oh  !  how  reckless  women  are  ; 
Df  course  she  went  a  step  too  far, 

And  wore  a  Harem-scarum  skirt. 
Yes,  then  at  last  her  Herb  was  hurt. 

Where   you  'd   have    been   content  to 

scoff, 
Che  placid  Preeps,  he  broke  it  off. 

A  drastic  measure  ?     Ah,  but  note 
?he  covering  letter  which  he  wrote  : — 

'  Whatever  sort  of  dress  you  wore, 
'  never  was  annoyed  before ; 

'or  well  I  knew  that  women's  clothes 
»Vere  things  I  could  not  be  supposed" — 

The  man  was  cross.     He  had  no  time 
'o  excavate  a  better  rhyme) — • 

Supposed,  I  say,  to  understand, 
3ut  trousers,  on  the  other  hand, 
I  am  acquainted  with.     At  least, 
think   you   might   have    had    them 
creased." 


MARCH  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


HOW    TO    HUMANIZE    THE 

LANDSCAPE. 

THP:  proposal  to  commemorate  the 
ninetieth  birthday  of  the  PKIM •;, 
KKGKNT  ov  BAVAHIA  l>y  carving  a 
mountain  into  the  semblance  of  a 
colossal  statue  representing  the  vener- 
able ruler  has  naturally  led  to  the 
formulation  of  an  immense  number  of 
similar  schemes  in  this  country. 

Thus  subscriptions  are  being  actually 
solicited  at  this  moment  for  a  fund  to 
r.elel  irate  tin)  livo-hnndreth  retirement 
of  Lord  ROSEHEHY  from  public  life  by 
moulding  the  summit  of  Primrose  Hill 
into  a  gigantic  representation  of  his 
Lordship's  finely-modelled  cranium. 

Again,  theatrical  circles  are  stirred 
to  their  depths  by  a  brilliant  idea 
for  commemorating  in  fitting  fashion 
the  purchase,  by  Mr.  GEOROE  ALEX- 
ANDER, of  his  ten  thousandth  pair  of 
trousers  for  histrionic  purposes.  It  is 
proposed  that  on  the  cliffs  at  Holyhead 
a  huge  full-length  portrait  of  the 
illustrious  actor-manager  should  be 
executed  in  the  living  rock,  facing  St. 
George's  Channel  (to  be  henceforth 
known  as  George'sStrait),and  typifying 
to  all  time  the  adamantine  creaseless- 
ness  of  those  historic  nether  garments 
which  have  moved  so  many  millions 
to  tears  and  laughter. 

Mr.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR,  M.P.,  whom 
Mr.  HEALY  in  a  moment  of  affectionate 
ecstasy  once  called  "a  rale  Pat  of 
butter,"  has  never  had  his  statue 
erected  in  or  out  of  his  native  isle. 
The  recent  appearance  in  his  iiiagaxiue 
of  his  ten-millionth  article,  entitled 
"The  Moral  Beauty  of  Back-scratch- 
ing," has  suggested  to  the  innumerable 
admirers  of  his  luscious  bcnlwmie  how 
imperatively  necessary  it  is  to  imprint 
upon  the  landscape  the  adorable  linea- 
ments of  the  universal  lubricator  of 
modern  life.  It  has  accordingly  been 
proposed  that  a  monstrous  portrait  of 
Mr.  O'CONNOR  should  be  traced  on 
Ireland's  Eye,  and  that  the  space  so 
covered  should  be  sown  exclusively 
with  buttercups. 

It  has  often  excited  surprise  that  the 
possibilities  for  landscape  portraiture 
presented  by  the  chalk  downs  should 
be  almost  entirely  monopolised  by  the 
equine  tribe.  A  judicious  novelty  will 
shortly  be  inaugurated  on  the  occasion 
of  the  appearance  of  Sir  HENRY 
HOWOKTH'S  twenty-thousandth  small- 

Erint  letter  in    The    Times,    when  his 
•iends  have  arranged  that  a  portrait  of 
that  indefatigable  epistolary  gladiator, 
mounted  on  a  mammoth ,  shall  be  scraped 
on  the  hill-side  at  Borebam. 

A  very  touching  act  of  homage  has  I 
recently  been  paid  to  Mr.  BKAM  STOKER. 
Simultaneously  on  the  links  at  Stoke  ' 


Laa.     "I  'KAI:  S.\u. '.i  I.IVK  MCI:  THE  curcK — All's  mvi  !" 

lUn        "BIT    OF    A    RAH    DAMN    THE    COURT.      I  BIFFED  'KB    ONE    ACKORST    THE    TlCf    FOB 
COMIX     BETWEEN   HE  AN'    'EhB   WOT   WAS  SORAPPIS' !  " 

Liza.     "\\'EI.L  I  NEVER  1    BUT  THKI:E,  THE  COURSE  o'  TRUE  LOVE  NKVEK  BUNS  SMOOTH, 
DO  IT?" 


Poges  and  Brauishott  two  new  pot 
hunkers,  cut  so  as  to  represent  the 
Olympian  head  (in  profile)  of  the 
eminent  novelist  and  impresario,  have 
been  dug  in  celebration  of  his  fiftieth 
interview  with  Sir  OLIVER  LODGE  on 
the  Psychical  Significance  of  Vampires. 
The  subscribers  of  The  Daily 
Chronicle  have  resolved  to  commemo- 
rate the  forthcoming  natal  anniversary 
of  the  famous  art  critic  of  that  journal 
in  a  graceful  way  by  filling  the  Devil's 
Punch-bowl  on  Hindhead  wiih  ginger- 
beer,  for  the  benefit  of  the  artistic  youth 
of  the  neighbourhood.  Lord  HINDLIP 


has  kindly  consented  to  unloose  the  f  rsk 
cork  and  unveil  a  suitable  post-impres- 
sionist frieze,  carved  on  thePunch-BowL 
The  splendid  cliffs  of  Cape  Clear  are 
shortly  a. -out  to  receive  an  immense 
enhancement  of  their  beauty  by  the 
conversion  of  a  great  pillar  of  rock  into 
a  colossal  statue  of  Sir  W.  KOBKRTSOX 
NICOLL  in  the  costume  of  the  EMPEROR 
CLAUDIUS.  The  completion  of  the 
statue  will,  it  is  hoped,  coincide  with 
the  discovery,  by  Sir  W.  ROBERT>ON 
NICOLL,  of  the  fiftieth  first-rate  Kail- 
yard genius  since  he  first  created  Mr. 
BARRIB  in  The  British  Weekly. 


196 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[MAKCH    15,    1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

••THE  LILT." 

I  HAVE  to  complain,  but  not  bitterly, 
of  two  fly-leaves  inserted  in  my  Kings- 
\Y;I  \  programme — one  giving  favourable 
extracts  of  press-notices  of  The  Lily, 
the  other  setting  forth  typical  menus 
of  a  neighbouring  restaurant,  where 
luncheons  and  dinners  may  be  ob- 
tained at  reasonable  charges.  Now  I 
am  prepared  for  the  simple  indication 
of  an  address  where  I  can  get  supper 
after  the  play,  but  I  hardly  ever  lunch 
or  dine  after  11  P.M.  Besides,  a 
critic  might  easily  mix  up  these  two 
insertions  to  the  confusion  of  his 
judgment.  Thus,  when  I  read  The 
Daily  Mail's  statement — "  Held  the 
house  in  its  grip" — in  conjunction 
with  The  Pall  Mall  Gazette's  comment 
— "Cheers  at  the  finish" — I  thought 
that  something  must  be  wrong  with 
the  "  Grilled  Chump  Chop  of  Lamb  "  ; 
and  when  I  perused  The  Star's  critique 
— "  Invigorates  like  mountain  air.  Fill 
your  lungs  with  it " — I  could  not  help 
feeling  that,  if  the  reference  was  to  the 
"  Braised  Duckling  Fermiere, "  the  lungs 
were  the  wrong  place  for  it.  However, 
to  the  play. 

"Lo!  the  lilies  of  the  field, 

How  their  leaves  instruction  yield  ! " 

This  flower  of  our  childhood's  hymn- 
als has  nothing  in  common  with  The 
Lily  of  Great  Queen  Street,  except 
that  each  of  them  declines  to  be  a 
spinster.  "Lily"  is  apparently  the 
recognised  term  for  a  woman  who  is 
expected  to  spend  her  life  in  minister- 
ing to  the  comforts  of  a  selfish  and 
dictatorial  parent  and  gets  no  social 
opportunity  of  escaping  a  perpetual 
maidenhood.  Such  conditions  are  likely 
enough  to  encourage  secretiveness, 
and  one  can  well  understand  how  a 
girl  in  this  position,  foiled  of  her  proper 
chances  of  finding  a  husband  in  her 
own  class,  might  contrive  a  clandestine 
marriage  with  an  undesirable  person. 
This  scheme  would  have  sufficiently 
served  the  authors'  purpose,  but  they 
preferred  to  overstate  their  case  by 
making  their  "Lily"  contract  a  liaison 
with  a  married  man. 

The  First  and  Last  Acts  are  moder- 
ately futile,  but  the  Second  and  Third 
— the  Second  in  particular — have  some 
really  excellent  stuff  in  them.  One 
was  given  a  very  effective  impression 
of  the  menage  at  the  chateau,  and  the 
plot  for  decoying  the  lover  wai 
freshly  laid.  For  a  modern  play,  how- 
ever, adapted  to  English  tastes,  it 
suffers  from  a  leading  motive — the 
idea  that  the  sole  end  of  woman  is 
to  get  herself  married — which  seem; 
strangely  out  of  touch  with  the  times. 


Mr.  LAURENCE  IRVING,  as  the  egoist 
parent,  gave  a  quite  admirable  character- 
study,  treating  every  detail  with  the 
very  nicest  artistry.  He  knew  exactly 
what  to  do  and  what  to  leave  un- 
done. His  one  blemish  was  the  miser- 
able cloth  cap  which  the  old  dandy 
wore  over  his  dyed  locks  in  the  Last 
Act.  It  looked  as  if  it  had  been 
sorrowed  from  a  scene-shifter. 

Miss  GERALMNE  OLLIFFE  was  deli- 
cately true  to  nature  in  her  interpre- 
iation  of  a  patient  daughter  and  devoted 
elder  sister.  Unhappily  the  authors  had 
aid  themselves  out  to  supply  her  and 
ler  sister  with  a  long  and  exhausting 
iirade  apiece,  in  which  their  pent-up 
grievances  found  an  expression  which 
was  too  much  both  for  me  and  their 
lather.  I  liked  Miss  MABEL  HACKNEY 


Comte  de  Maigny  (to  Christiane).  "  Lilies  of 
the  house  of  de  Maigny  do  not  look  at  their 
parents  l.ke  that.  Henceforth  you  are  no 
daughter  of  mine  I " 

Miss    MABEL  HACKNEY  and  Mr.   LAURENCE 
IBVISO. 

(The  Lily)  better  in  her  quiet  deceitful- 
ness  than  in  the  terrific  outburst  of 
candour  which  was  meant  to  be  the 
clou  of  the  play.  Mr.  ARTHUR  LEWIS 
had  an  easy  and  grateful  part  as  every- 
body's friend  and  counsellor,  and  did  it 
very  comfortably.  As  Arnaud,  a  French 
artist  (with  complications),  Mr.  EUPEHT 
HARVEY  had  the  most  saintly  air  of 
celibacy  that  I  have  ever  yet  observed 
among  the  spoilers  of  innocence. 

I  confess  that  I  was  surprised  at 
the  excellence  of  much  of  the  play, 
though  there  were  things  in  it  which 
[  did  not  quite  grasp,  as,  for  instance 
how  it  was  that,  with  a  widowed  parenl 
whose  irregular  habits  must  have  fre- 
quently called  him  away  to  the  capital 


nis  daughters  had  not  utilised  these 
interludes  for  a  little  social  amusement 
at  the  chateau  on  their  own  account, 
which  might  have  led  up  to  a  chance 
of  matrimony,  if  that  was  what  they 
wanted  so  badly.  And  I  was  also  a  little 
troubled  by  the  abruptness  of  some  of 
the  transitions,  as  when  two  visitors, 
immediately  on  their  arrival,  sat  down 
and  played,  at  nobody's  request,  a  duet 
for  voice  and  harp.  0.  S. 


ART   NOTES. 

THE  absence  of  so  many  peers  from 
England  at  this  moment  is  due  to  the 
circumstance  that  they  are  scouring 
the  Continent  in  the  hope  of  picking 
up  cheap  Old  Masters  which  they  can 
offer  to  American  millionaires  at  greatly 
enhanced  figures. 

*  *  *  # 
The  advertisement  of  Mr.  Hiram  L. 

Flinkers,  the  multi-millionaire  of 
Cincinnati,  in  a  recent  issue  of  The 
Times  may  have  escaped  general 
notice,  but  enough  interested  persons 
saw  it  to  serve  Mr.  Flinkers'  purpose. 
It  ran  thus  : — 

To  Noblemen. — American  collector 
requires  heirlooms.  Must  have  family 
history  attached. — Apply,  etc. 

It  is  understood  that  in  response  to 
this  appeal  a  number  of  applications 
for  permission  to  sell  historic  heir- 
looms will  shortly  be  before  the  Courts. 
Everyone  must  be  glad  that  so  much 
lumber  is  in  the  way  of  quickly  being 
translated  into  that  currency  which 
procures  such  real  necessaries  of  life 
as  motor  cars,  suppers,  &c. 

*  *  *  # 
Lord  Slough   of   Despond  has   just 

successfully  negotiated  the  sale  of  the 
famous  Hals  which  has  long  been  the 
glory  of  his  ancestral  seat.  Lord 
Slough  of  Despond,  being  nothing  if 
not  patriotic,  on  receiving  the  offer  of 
£300,000  from  Mr.  Slick,  of  Pittsburg, 
at  once  replied,  with  rare  self-sacrifice 
and  thoughtfulness,  that  the  American 
connoisseur  could  have  it  at  that  figure 
only  if  England  did  not  come  forward 
to  buy  it  at  a  reduction  of  £1,000 
within  three  days  of  the  offer.  The 
money  not  being  forthcoming,  the 
picture  is  now  on  its  way  to  Mr.  Slick's 
palace  in  687th  Street. 

*  #  #  * 
Mr.  Elihu  Z.  Bird,  who  has   been 

called  the  Lorenzo  dei  Medici  of  Seattle, 
differs  from  his  fellow  American  vir- 
tuosi. His  idea  is  to  acquire  pictures 
from  the  private  collections  of  none 
but  Trustees  of  the  English  National 
Gallery.  This  circumstance,  he  says, 
should  lend  piquancy  to  his  Art 
Museum. 


MARCH  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


197 


Heavy-handed  Sportsman.  "I  WONDER  IF  THIS  SILLY  BRUTE  WILL  DOUBLE  IT  THIS  TIME  OR  FLY  THE  LOT." 

The  Horse.  "I  WONDER  IF  THIS  SILLY  FOOL  WILL  HANO  ON  BY  MY  MOUTH  THIS  TIME,  OR  FALL  OFF  ALTOGETHER." 


LINES  ON   SEEING  SOME  COEONETS  DISPLAYED  IN   A  PICCADILLY  WINDOW. 


YE  radiant  mysteries,  that  do  engird 

The  lordly  crumpets  of  the  Upper  Ten, 
Ye  that  at  last  are  openly  preferred 

Before  the  awe-struck  gaze  of  common  men, 

That  seldom  greet  the  air 
Save  in  the  hallowed  precincts  of  Big  Ben, 
Much  have  I  longed  to  know  ye  as  ye  were, 
Nor  dreamed  to  find  ye  so  entrancing  and  so  fair. 

For  ye  are  ever  awfully  remote. 

Oft  have  I  seen  you  on  the  bellying  side 
Of  some  barouche,  and,  stooping,  paused  to  gloat — 
Braving  the  flunkey's  supercilious  pride — 

To  stand,  with  low-doffed  hat, 
To  look  my  fill,  yet  not  be  satisfied  ; 
'Twas  an  abiding  joy  to  gaze  thereat, 
And  yet,  compared  with  this,  how  paltry  and  how  flat. 

For  ye  are  beautiful  beyond  all  dream, 
And  in  all  detail  admirably  graced  ; 
Yon  ermine,  how  it  helps  the  general  scheme ; 
Those  silvern  orbs,  how  elegant  in  taste ; 

Yon  cap  (if  cap  it  be) 

Of  ruddiest  crimson,  how  extremely  chaste ; 
These  with  their  golden  circlet  blend,  ah  me, 
To  a  harmonious  whole  I  had  not  thought  to  see. 

And  you,  0  peers,  that  from  your  chariot  wheels 
Spatter  my  trouserings  with  London's  mire, 

\\  lio-o  nose  of  purest  aquiline  reveals, 

For  the  low  herd  that  write  themselves  Esquire, 


A  bland  and  high  disdain 
So  great  that  some,  with  wormy  souls  afire 
(Being  annoyed),  have  thrilled  and  thrilled  again 
With  thoughts  it  ill  befits  the  meek  to  entertain. 

I,  too,  have  murmured  at  you  heretofore, 

But  not  so  now  ;  that  you  contemn  the  crowd 
Pains  me,  but  it  surprises  me  no  more. 
He  that  has  been  so  spaciously  endowed 

Were  but  a  blithering  ass 
To  ape  humility  and  not  be  proud, 
Knowing  how  justly  he  must  needs  surpass 
All  of  us  meaner  flesh  that  are,  at  best,  but  grass. 

Nay,  there  is  more.     Time  was,  I  would  pretend 

To  view  you  with  a  self-defensive  scorn 
(Poor  mockery  1) — that,  too,  is  at  an  end ; 
To-day  I  feel  strange  itchings,  newly-born, 

Myself  to  be  a  peer, 

If  the  good  gods  might  so  exalt  my  horn; 
Only  to  own  these  gauds  of  stately  cheer, 
Even  tho'  packed  away,  methinks  were  passing  dear. 

Yet,  no.     God-gifted  tho'  you  be  and  blest, 
Let  me  retain  my  poor  and  meagre  lot ; 
'Tis  true  no  glittering  bauble  gilds  my  crest, 
But  you,  that  have  the  same,  may  wear  it  not. 

I,  being  low  in  style, 

Am  well  content  with  hats — the  simple  pot ; 
But  you,  O  lordings,  truly  it  were  vile 
To  own  a  coronet  and  have  to  wear  a  tile. 

DUM-DUM. 


198 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  15,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

IN  a  Preface  to  her  latest  hook,  A  Diplomatist's  Wife  in 
Many  Lands  (HuTCHixsoN),  Mrs.  HUGH  FRASER  anticipates 
that  "  some  excuse  will  surely  be  demanded  for  giving  so 
much  space  to  the  opening  chapters  of  my  life  in  these 
volumes."  This  is  a  mistake  born  of  modesty.  The  most 
delightful  portion  of  the  work  is,  happily,  the  more  exten- 
sive section,  that  which  deals  with  the  childhood,  girlhood 
and  unmarried  life  of  a  charming  lady.  Mrs.  FHASER  was 
by  birth  richly  endowed.  Her  grand  father  came  of  old 
Scots-Irish  stock;  her  father  was  borf^  in  New  England  ; 
her  mother  in  New  York ;  she  herself,  sister  of  MARION 
CRAWFORD,  was,  like  him,  born  in  Rome  and  educated  in 
Italy.  She  lived  there  up  to  her  marriage,  atmospherically 
and  socially  in  the  sunshine.  From  her  earliest  years 
fate  and  good  fortune  brought  her  in  personal  contact  with 
prominent  men  and  women,  who  little  suspected  the  close 
study  to  which  they  were  subjected  in  succession  by  child, 
girl  and  woman.  To  a  — 
keen  eye  for  descrying 
character  is  added  the 
gift  of  presenting  a 
vivid  portrait  in  a  few 
touches.  One  thinks 
in  reading  some  of  the 
passages  what  a  splen- 
did special  correspon- 
dent she  would  have 
made.  In  addition  to 
pen-and-ink  portraits, 
there  is  (on  pp.  59,  60) 
a  marvellous  picture  of 
Borne  on  the  day  when, 
the  PoPEdisestablished, 
VICTOR  EMMANUEL  en- 
tered the  city  as  con- 
queror, and  "  the  Tiber 
rose  in  its  wrath  and 
turned  all  the  lower 
portion  of  the  house 
into  a  turgid  yellow 
sea."  In  this  incident 
Mrs.  FRASER,  above  all 
things  a  good  Catholic, 
discerned  a  preternatural  protest  against  the  desecration  of 
the  Vatican.  Her  strong  prejudices  in  respect  of  forms 
of  religion  and  political  partisanship  sometimes  lead  her 
astray.  Angrily  denouncing  action  by  the  Foreign  Office  in 
1878,  which,  she  says,  "roused  a  storm  of  indignation  all' 
through  the  diplomatic  family,"  she  bitterly  adds,  "It  took 
place  under  a  Liberal  Ministry,  of  course."  In  1878 
Lord  BEACONSFIELD  was  Prime  Minister,  and  the  Marquis 
of  SALISBURY  Secretary  of  State  for  Foreign  Affairs. 


least,  these  were  the  conditions  of  the  Bodijer-Vallon 
household,  and  we  are  left  to  suppose  it  not  untypical 
of  the  rest.  The  Vallon  father  having  married  the  Badger 
mother,  each  brought  two  children,  a  boy  and  a  girl,  to  the 
joint  home ;  and  of  these  (our,  the  Bodtjers,  stronger  and 
coarser,  persecuted  the  Vallons,  Tudor  and  John  (it  is  one 
of  my  smaller  grudges  against  the  book  that  a  girl  should 
be  confusingly  named  John),  till  their  existence  became 
a  misery.  Thus  Tudor,  with  all  his  bright  and  happy 
possibilities — the  author,  you  see,  spares  us  no  aspect  of 
her  tragedy — is  maimed,  by  circumstance  and  the  Badgers, 
into  a  gloomy  and  drunken  coward.  Eventually  he  tries 
to  kill  Philip  Bodgcr,  and,  failing,  flings  away  his  own  life 
to  save  the  girl-Badger  and  John  from  a  carriage  accident 
pre-arranged  by  the  latter.  Life  in  Wales,  according  to 
Miss  MACAULAY,  is  like  that.  I  wonder  I 


PRIVATE  LIFE  OF  OUK  PUBLIC  MEN. 

4.  THE  PROTEAN  ACTOR  PRACTISES  ECONOMY  BY  TAKING  THE  DOUBLE  B&LB 
OF  HIMSELF  AND  HIS  BUTLER. 


I  don't  know  when  I  have  encountered  a  grimmer  story, 
after  its  own  quiet,  domestic  fashion,  than  The  Valley 
Captives  (MURRAY).  Miss  B.  MACAULAY'S  picture  of  rural 
existence  in  Wales  haunts  one  afterwards  like  a  nightmare. 
Her  skill  and  the  obvious  sincerity  of  her  manner  naturally 
make  its  effect  worse.  Perhaps  hitherto  you  have  vaguely 
thought  of  the  Welsh  as  a  people  living  chiefly  upon 
furnished  apartments,  with  a  flourishing  export  trade  in 
picture  post-cards  and  politicians?  Miss  MACAULAY  will 
show  them  to  you  as  "  captives,"  victims  of  boredom 
unspeakable,  and  consumed  with  a  black  hatred  of  one 
another,  lightened  only  by  flashes  of  intoxication.  At 


Whatever  else  you  feel  concerning  America — Through 
English  Eyes  (STANLEY  PAUL),  you  cannot  refuse  sympathy 
to  an  author  who,  having  promised  herself  (and  possibly 

—  her  publisher)  that  she 
would  encounter  and 
criticise  the  real  Amer- 
ican, has  to  admit, 
"  I  never  met  him." 
"  When  I  specially  de- 
sired to  confuse  an 
American  citizen,"  she 
says  in  her  agreeably 
frank  way,  "I  would 
ask  him  gravely :  '  Can 
you  tell  me  where  I  can 
meet  a  real  American  ? ' 
'  Why  — •  here  ;  right 
away,' he  would  answer. 
And  then  I  would  point 
out  that  he  was  of 
Dutch,  or  Bussian,  or 
Irish,  or  French,  or 
Polish, or  Scandinavian, 
or  Italian  origin.  That 
wasnot  what  I  wanted." 
In  her  vain  quest  for  a 
real  specimen  of  the 
native,  she  visited  New 
York,  Washington  anJ 
Boston,  and  records  her  ingenuous  "  impressions  "  of  thesa 
cities,  faithfully  explaining  that  taxi-cabs  are  expensive  to 
hire,  that  tram-car  conductors  shy  at  "Please"  ami 
"  Thank  you,"  and  that  you  cannot  get  your  boots  cleaned 
at  the  hotel.  Fresh  as  these  observations  are,  we  might 
have  had  something  even  fresher  if  only  she  had  not  had 
to  put  up,  throughout,  with  the  sham  article.  However, 
the  elusiveness  of  her  object  does  not  seem  to  have  pre- 
vented her  from  having  a  fairly  good  time.  The  only 
real  trouble  with  America,  as  seen  through  "  Bita's  "  eyes, 
is  that  it  is  not  typically  American. 


"  Vladivostok  was  found  to  be  unsnitible,  being  sea-bound  for  too 
many  months  of  the  year  to  become  a  first-class  naval  base." 

Southend  is  nearer  the  ideal. 


<S'A 'Jfield  Dai.y  Independent. 


In  the  Public  Eye. 
From  a  Beuter's  telegram,  published  in  Cairo  : — 

"The  nonagenarian  Dean  of  St.  Paul's  has  resinned." 
It  will  be  seen  that  Beuter  does  not  specify  the  nature  of 
the  Dean's  present  or  of  his  previous  fall. 


MU.TH  2J,  I'.Ml.l 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


199 


CHARIVARIA. 

Loan  KITCHKM:!:  has  been  appointed 
to  command  the  troops  assembled  in 
I, Minion  lor  the  Coronal-ion  ceremonies. 
It  is  an  open  secret  tliat,  if  ho  should 
acquit  himself  satisfactorily,  a  Terri- 
torial adjul  ly  he  offered  him. 

The     National      Pe«O6     Council     has 


SllflYa: 


intend  to  take  to  ll.uvm  ••America,"  sn\s  Mrs.  GlYV.v,  "  is 
Skirls,  so  us  to  h.ive  tho  power  of  e\ <•  y  year  becoming  less  dependent  on 
b:irgiiiiiini,'.  They  will  thru  offer  to  I  'upland  for  its  fiction."  Many  trans- 
give  us  hack  our  trousers  if  we  will  atlanliu  newspapers,  we  believe,  make 


give  them  tho  vote. 

As    the    ic  nit   of  new    fashions  an 
appreciable    decrease   in    the    sale    of 
•ats  is,  wo  are  told,  making  itself 
felt  in  the  Drapery  world.     Those  who 


expics-ed  the  hope  that  I  lie  Coronation  ,  were  responsible  some  little  time  since 
pa-cant  will  not  be  confined  to  repre-  for  changing  the  name  of  Petticoat 
Bentatives  of  the  naval  and  military  Lane  to  Middle-sex  Street  were  evi- 


forces  of  the  Crown.     It  would,  by  the 
way,    he   nit  her   pretty    if,    in    one 
the  proc  ssions,  room  could  be 
loiind    for    all    persons    mum  d 

:•  :  : 

"Radicals,"  says  The.  Daily 
('/ini>ii<-li',  "attribute  the  enor- 
mous growth  in  the  Navy 
Kslimatos  to  tho  fact  that 
they  are  dictated  now,  not  by 
.•-iinen,  but  by  admirals." 
U  does  seem  curious  that  in 
such  a  matter  the  advice  of  a 
man  like  Sir  KNYVET  WILSON 
should  be  followed  rather  than 
that,  say,  of  Mr.  KEIR  HAUDIE. 

The  Debate  thinks  it  would 
be  a  graceful  acknowledgment 
if,  in  return  for  France's  con- 
cession in  adopting  Greenwich 
time,  England  would  adopt  the 
metric  system  of  weights  and 
measures.  We  have  heard  of 
time  working  wonders,  but  this 
would  be  a  miracle. 


Mr.  CHURCHILL  has  decided 
to  appoint  a  committee  to 
inquire  into  the  question  of 
Manx  Constitutional  reform. 
It  is  possible  that  a  re- 
commendation may  be  made 
in  favour  of  an  Omnibus  Bill  to 
cover  the  cases  of  Ireland, 
and  the  Isle  of  Man. 

*  * 
* 


ilently  possessed  of  no  little  prophetic 
instinct. 


"ANY   GROUNDSEL   VOK.  THE    HI  11  US. 


nearly  all  their  own  news  now. 

V 

Su  ITnigettes  have  now  definitely 

decided  to  take  leave  of  their  census. 

. 

0 

Professor  Sir  J.  THOMSON,  speaking 
at  the  Royal  Institution,  estimated  the 
temperature  of  Mars  at  38  degrees 
below  freezing  point  —  "which,"  he 
pointed  out,  "  would  seem  rather  un- 
fortunate for  the  canals."  We  su.^i  e  1 
that  Professor  LOWKM,  will  now 
find  that  the  little  black  specks 
on  his  canals  are  skaters. 

*  •':• 

"  One  of  the  fundamental 
differences  between  men  and 
women,"  says  The  Labour 
Leader,  "  is  that  the  latter 
like  work."  \Ve  bow  to  our 
contemporary's  authority  in  the 
matter  of  men  belonging  to  the 
labouring  classes;  but  this 
work  that  women  love — is  it 
real  work  ?  Is  it  not  too  often 
fancy  work?" 

*  * 

* 

Patriotic  purchasers  are  cau- 
tioned against  buying  goods  of 
any  sort  marked  "  ISumscH 
MADE." 


"The  first  business  was  to  elect  a 
Chairman  for  the  ensuing  year,  and  on 
the  proposil  of  the  ROT.  Canon  liuttun, 
seconded  by  Lieut. -Colonel  the  lion. 
G.  E.  Heneage,  the  committee  chose 
Mr.  W.  EmMeton-Fox  with  equa- 
nimity. " — Lincolnsli  in  Echo. 

Surely  somebody  might  have 
worked  up  a  little  excitement 
over  it. 


Has  the  Missing  Shepherd  been 
found  at  last?  "While  walking  from 
Roby  to  Gateacre,"  The  Liverpool 
'/•  tells  us,  "  Mr.  C.  S.  Brice,  of 
\Vavertree,  picked  up  a  fine  specimen 
of  a  neolithic  celt." 

*  * 
* 

"  Can't  I  speak  ?  I  am  paying  for 
it,"  exclaimed  an  excited  litigant  at 
the  Sboreditch  County  Court  the 
other  day.  When  Members  of  Parlia- 
ment receive  salaries  the  SPEAKER,  wo 
suspect,  will  bo  appealed  to  in  almost 


Wales,  An  outbreak  of  foot  -  and  -  mouth 
disease  is  reported  from  Chobham. 
"Four  pigs  are  said  to  be  affected." 


"Re-ently  a  lady  left  in  a  Clichy-0d«m 
oirmbus  documents  of  the  valne  of  £18,000. 
Tin.  conductor  who  found  the  parcel  was 
rewarded  with  the  muuiticent  sum  of  50 


We  are  sorry  tojiear_this,  as  we  hate   centii,,es,  or  4s.  21. '—  Yo.  Icahire  Evening  /W. 

If  there  really  was  a  choice,  no  doubt 
he  selected  the  4s.  2d.  like  »  sensible 


the  sight  of  an  affected  pig. 

*  * 

A    pre-historic   music  -  hall    was    a 


feature  of  a  matinee  last  week  at  the   man,  and  got  something  like  five  francs 


identical    terms — "Can't 
am  paid  for  it." 


I  speak?     I 


It 


*    * 

rumoured   that 


some   of   our 


Empire.  It  is  not,  we  believe,  gener- 
ally known  that  someof  our  knock-about 
artistes  are  a  survival  from  that  period. 

From  The  Times: — "WHITEHEAD.— 
On  the  1st  March,  at  15,  Granard 
Road,  S.W.,  Jessie,  wife  of  B.  G. 
Whitehead,  added  to 


for  it  at  the  nearest  Bureau  de  Change. 


the     nation's 

wealth  a  healthy  male   citizen."       If 
the  WHITEHEADS  are  not  careful  th 
will   have   Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE   taxing  The   wedding   presents  seem  to  hate 


A   Quaint  Wedding-  Ceremony. 

"A  dacoity  is  reported  to  h»v«  tak  n  (>l:u-o 
on  Monday  last  in  the  village  of  tiawlit  in  the 
Munghigiinxc  sub-division.  The  dacoits,  wi.o 
had  lire-anus  are  caid  to  have  carried  away 
considerable  loot  in  cash  and  valuables.  The 
honeymoon  will  be  spent  at  Mount  Abu." 

7Y«iii  of  India. 


the  undeveloped  boy. 


b:'i  n  numerous  and  costlv. 


VOL.  CXL. 


200 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


THE   SEMOLINA   AND   THE    GERM. 

[A  phantasy  basul  iil»n  the  combination  '  l'tln'<c  two  ch"iie!its  in  the 

irl.-il,  in-  ••St.ui'liiril, "  loaf'.] 


L\  if  the  high  divinities 

That  mould  our  lives  had  never  laid 
Their  ban  on  our  profound  affinities, 

Oh,  what  a  pair  we  might  have  made  I 
But  the  Oh  mpians  chose  to  chuckle, 

Upsetting'Nature's  wise  decree 
That  you  should  play  the  Honeysuckle, 
And  I  the  Bee. 

It  is  their  game  to  bring  together 
The  uncongenial  groom  and  bride; 

Conversely,  too,  to  cut  the  tether 

That  kindred  tastes  would  else  have  tied  ; 

This  is  the  thought  that  thins  my  locks  so, 
That  such  a  pair  apart  should  slip — 

You,  so  to  speak,  the  Cup  of  Boxo, 
And  I  the  Lip. 

A  combination  badly  sundered, 

Forced  by  estranging  routes  to  go — 

United,  how  we  might  have  thundoied 
Along  this  dusty  vale  of  woe ! 

Yes,  truly,  we  had  travelled  better, 

Parts  of  a  whole,  with  Love  to  steer — 

You,  as  it  were,  the  Carburetter, 
And  I  the  Gear. 

Nature,  I  notice,  now  and  then  drills 
Her  family  to  clasp  and  twine ; 

80  I  would  have  your  loving  tendrils 
Cling  to  this  lonely  heart  of  mine, 

As  o'er  the  oak  in  Druid  copses 
The  faithful  ivy  joys  to  crawl — 

You,  by  your  leave,  the  Ampelopsis, 
And  I  the  Wall. 

And  yet,  perchance,  in  that  hereafter 
Where  severed  loves  redeem  their  gage, 

Where  mid  Elysian  fields  of  laughter 
"  Standard  "  ambrosia  's  all  the  rage, 

We  '11  readjust,  my  poor  Georgina, 

The  rift  that  marked  our  mortal  term, — 

You,  let  us  say,  the  Semolina, 
And  I  the  Germ. 


0.  S. 


AN   ACCLIMATISED   COLONIAL. 

WHEN  I  first  saw  him  I  was  standing  by  a  seat  on  the 
Broad  Walk,  Eegent's  Park  ;  he  wi.  t  sitting  up  on  the  grass 
a  few  yards  away,  and  I  could  see  by  the  expression  in 
his  little  round  eye  that  he  was  considering  whether  my 
acquaintance  was  worth  cultivating  or  not.  Finally 
he  decided  to  risk  it,  and,  making  straight  for  me  in 
a  series  of  swift  undulating  leaps,  sprang  on  to  the  top 
of  the  seat,  and  thence  to  my  left  arm. 

I  might  have  felt  more  flattered  by  this  condescension 
on  the  part  of  a  Canadian  squirrel  if  I  had  not  been  fully 
aware  that  it  was  due  less  to  any  personal  attractions  of 
my  own  than  to  the  fact  that  my  right  hand  happened 
to  hold  a  small  paper  bag  containing  pea-nuts.  You 
can  procure  these  at  the  Refreshment  Pavilion  close  by, 
and  they  give  you  quite  a  lot  for  a  penny. 

"  I  don't  mind  trying  one  of  tfiose,"  he  said  in  squirrel 
language  (which,  if  I  speak  it  but  indifferently,  I  under- 
stand fairly  well).  I  passed  him  the  bag.  He  helped 
himself,  turned  the  nut  once  or  twice  in  his  forepaws, 


examined  it  critically,  and  rejected  it  with  disdain. 
"Rotten!"  he  remarked  with  unaffected  candour.  "Not 
fit  to  offer  a  wood-pigeon!  I  shall  have  to  trouble  you 
again. "  Which  he  did,  but  with  no  better  success. 
"  Anuthi'r  wrong  'un  !  "  he  said.  "They  seem  to  have 
been  working  off  all  their  back  numbers  on  you !  If  those 
Pavilion  people  don't  supply  a  better  quality  of  pea-nut,  we 
squirrels  will  just  have  to  withdraw  our  patronage— ami 
where  would  they 'be  then,  I'd  like  to  know?  "  I  begged 
him  to  give  them  one  more  chance,  and  he  graciously 
consented.  "Well,"  he  admitted,  as  he  sampled  a  third 
nut,  "  this  isn't  so  bad.  Wants  keeping — a  trifle  out  of 
condition,  but  it  '11  do  at  a  pinch.  Yes,"  ho  continued,  in 
the  intervals  between  his  nibbles,  as  he  sat  on  my  arm, 
"we're  pretty  numerous  here.  When  wo  first  arrived,  all 
the  most  desirable  residences  were  occupied  by  brown 
squirrels.  Mighty  condescending  they  were  to  us.  Said 
they  were  superior  to  colour  prejudice,  and  if  we  did 
chance  to  be  born  grey,  we  were  nevertheless  squirrels 
and  brothers.  Told  us  we  were  welcome  to  any  brandies 
or  nuts  they'd  no  use  for.  Offered  to  show  us  round. 
But  I  guess  we  showed  them  round.  There  was  no 
enterprise  about  those  squirrels,  Sir,  that  was  the  trouble 
with  them.  Wouldn't  go  out  of  their  way  to  appeal  to 
your  great  British  Public!  Too  stuck-up  and  stand-oflish. 
And  as  for  hustling — why,  they  spent  more 'n  half  the 
winter  asleep !  It  was  get  on  or  get  out,  and  they  couldn't 
seem  to  get  on — not  with  us,  anyway.  So  you  won't  see 
any  brown  squirrels  about  here  now.  We  started  in  to  run 
this  settlement  as  a  business  proposition  from  the  word 
'  go,'  and  we  're  progressing,  Sir,  by  leaps  and  bounds ! 
Made  our  pile  already,  most  of  us  have.  I  'm  not  one  to 
blow,  but  if  I  was  to  tell  you  the  amount  of  nuts  to  my 
credit  in  that  bank  over  there,  where  the  tulip  bed  is,  it  'd 
make  you  open  your  eyes !  And  I  'm  not  the  warmest 
squirrel  in  this  Walk  by  any  means.  It  only  shows  what 
can  be  done,  even  in  an  old  country  like  this,  by  getting 
a  move  on.  I  don't  say  we  haven't  a  failure  among  us 
here  and  there.  For  instance,  you  see  that  squirrel  sitting 
up  under  the  plane-tree?  .  .  .Yes,  the  one  with  his  fore- 
paws  clasped  tight  across  his  stomach.  No,  he  isn't  looking 
well,  and  what 's  more,  he  isn't  feeling  well  either.  That 
squirrel,  Sir,  drew  out  the  whole  of  his  deposit  directly  the 
bank  opened  this  morning,  and  now  he 's  gone  and  busted 
every  blessed  nut  he  had !  But  it  isn't  the  first  time  he  's 
gone  bankrupt,  not  by  a  long  way,  and,  soon  as  he's 
got  his  digestion  in  working  order  again,  I  expect  he  11 
re-commence  business  and  like  as  not  be  as  rich  as  ever  he 
was!  .  .  ." 

"  Excuse  me  a  moment,"  he  broke  off  suddenly,  and, 
darting  down  into  the  Broad  Walk,  held  up  an  approaching 
perambulator  and  child  with  the  air  of  a  highwayman. 
When  he  returned  to  my  arm  he  was  holding  a  fragment  of 
a  biscuit,  which  he  inspected  dubiously.  "  It 's  either  an 
Osborne  or  a  Marie,"  he  pronounced ;  "  but  I  've  an  idea 
that  baby 's  been  having  a  go  at  it  first.  .  .  .  No,  on  the 
whole  I  'd  rather  have  another  nut.  Talking  of  nuts,"  he 
continued,  "  the  Public  that  visits  the  Zoo  don't  begin  to 
realise  what  nuts  are  meant  for.  I  know,  because  I  've  got 
cousins  and  things  in  the  Zoo.  Most  elegantly  located 
they  are,  with  a  tree  and  enclosed  lot  all  to  themselves, 
and"  free  to  go  in  and  out  and  receive  their  relations  just  as 
they  please,  and  no  questions  asked.  I  look  in  at  times, 
and,  if  you  '11  believe  me,  the  Public  there  actually  squanders 
all  its  nuts  on  a  set  of  undeserving  monkeys  whose  manners 
— well,  I'd  be  sorry  to  think  any  squirrel  would  be  so 
wanting  in  ordinary  self-respect !  It 's  a  mercy  we  haven't 
got  to  associate  with  monkeys  here.  The  wood-pigeons  are 
bad  enough.  Just  look  at  'em,  waddling  round!  If  any 


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MAKCII  22,  1911.1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Hi 


-. 


Hosier.  "Now,  BEOWX,  WHAT  DOES  'MEXSIBUS'  MSAN!" 
Brown.  "Two  on  FOE  TABLES." 
Master.  " WROXO.     SMITH  MINOR?" 
.Smith  minor.  "En — THBEE  TABLES?" 


of  'em  ever  liad  a  figure,  they  've  forgotten  it  long  ago ! ' 
(I  could  not  help  thinking  that  his  own  little  paunch  was 
just  a  trifle  rotund,  but  I  refrained  from  telling  him  so. 
After  all,  he  was  my  guest).  "  It 's  our  nuts  they  fatten 
on !  "  he  said  indignantly.  "  But  we  shan't  stand  this 
unfair  competition  much  longer.  These  birds  will  have  to 
go,  Sir!  Now,  I  don't  mind  the  dear  little  sparrows. 
When  pea-nuts  pall,  as  they  will  do  occasionally,  a  really 
fresh  sparrow's  egg  is  an  agreeable  relish.  But  we've  no 
use  for  pigeons.  There 's  one  reform,"  he  added,  "  we  've 
already  introduced.  I  daresay  you  've  observed  that  no 
dogs  are  allowed  in  here  unless  they  're  on  a  lead  ?  We 
squirrels  insisted  on  that,  Sir,  and  it  makes  terriers  pretty 
wild,  especially  when  we  let  on  we  aren't  aware  they're  in 
th(!  neighbourhood.  .  .  .  Here's  one  coming  along  now. 
Just  you  watch,  and  you'll  see  some  fun.  .  .  ." 

But  the  instant  afterwards  he  bounded  off  my  arm 
and  corkscrewed  up  the  nearest  tree-trunk  to  a  top 
bough.  "Perfectly  scandalous!"  he  called  down  to  me. 
"  They  've  let  him  in  without  being  under  proper  control ! 
Will  you  kindly  inform  that  terrier,  Sir,  that  I  shall 
take  the  earliest  opportunity  of  reporting  him  to  the 
Head-Keeper  ?  " 

I  conveyed  this  to  the  dog,  but  I  could  not  discover  that 
it  made  the  slightest  impression  on  him.  F.  A. 


A  Cowardly  Press. 

"Conf.,  fob.,  min.,  hai'y.  ;  news  may  be  added  ;  £25." 

Adit,  in  "  The  Star." 

Tliis  is  headed  "  Too  LATE  FOB  CLASSIFICATION,"  but  it  looks 
as  if  the  sub-editor  didn't  like  to  risk  it. 


A  SENSITIVE  CRAFTSMAN. 

[The  fingpr-]>rint  system,  which  has  largely  increased  the  facility  of 
dent  iticiit  inn.   is  said  to  have  given  "umjiialilied  satisfaction."] 

THIS  popular  plan,  since  it  certainly  strikes 

A  blow  at  anonymous  ways, 
Can  hardly  be  winning  approval  from  Sikes 

Or  meeting  witli  Eaffles's  praise. 
Your  burglar  objects  to  his  work  being  signed 

With  even  so  much  as  a  hint, 
And  frowns  on  the  pros{>ect  of  leaving  behind 

His  autograph  plainly  in  print. 
The  average  cracksman's  professional  cares 

Are  nowadays  simply  immense; 
The  cost  of  the  gloves  that  he  thoughtfully  wears 

Adds  much  to  his  working  expense. 
And,  seeing  that  fingers  encumbered  l>y  kid 

Lose  some  of  their  lightness  of  touch, 
He  can't  take  the  pride  that  he  formerly  did 

In  bursting  a  catch  or  a  clutch. 
Although  it  is  true  he  continues  to  steal, 

Being  too  conscientious  to  shirk, 
He  feels  what  all  genuine  artists  must  feel 

When  doing  inferior  work. 
He  knows  that  you  're  quickly  reducing  his  art 

To  a  vulgar,  mechanical  trade, 
So  iic  cannot  view  with  a  satisfied  heart 

This  packet  of  prints  you  parade. 


The  Latest  Chanticlerical  Wear. 

"The   Quacker  lionnet    (siys   a  fashion  writer)    is  goinu  to  hnre 
vogtii*. '  — New  Zealand  HcriiJd. 


204 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

VANITY   FAIR. 

Park  Lane. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — People  are  tell- 
ing each  other  un  pi-lit,  conic  pour  rire 
about  tho  Sunday  Club  at  Olympia. 
Lady  Manceuvrer  has  been  there 
regularly  through  the  season  with  her 
youngest  and  only  unappropriated  girl, 
Bluebell,  in  tow/  Bluebell  being  very 
timid  and  wobbly,  the  Duke  of  Duhvich 
undertook  to  help  her  and  show  her 
how  it's  done.  Entre  nous,  my  dear, 
he  's  only  a  wobbler  himself,  but  there 's 
no  point  on  which  people  are  so  self- 
deceived  as  their  skating — except,  per- 
haps, their  profiles!  Well,  Bluebell 
(her  mother's  own  daughter!)  made 
tho  very  best  use  of  her  time,  flattering 
poor  Dulwich  about  his  prowess  on 
rollers  and  the  immense  help  he  'd 
given  her ;  and  now  that  their  engage- 
ment's  announced  and  the  wedding- 
day  fixed  it  comes  out  that  the 
ManoBUvrer  girl  is  quite  one  of  the 
best  amateur  skaters  of  the  day,  can 
do  the  Donkey's  Ears,  Mustai-d  and 
Cress,  and  all  the  most  diffy  club 
figures — in  short,  that  what  she  can't 
do  on  rollers  or  blades  isn't  worth 
doing  I 

Aunt  Goldie  hasn't  come  to  town 
yet.  She  sends  Norty  an  occasional 
sixpenny  wire  from  Devonshire  (answer 
prepaid),  asking  him  if  he  remembers 
that  he  has  a  wife!  I  don't  know 
whether  the  answer  is  in  the  affirma- 
tive, as  they  say  in  the  House.  Talking 
of  that  dreadful  House,  Norty  says  the 
way  Private  Members  are  being  used 
is  simply  scandalous,  and  that  there 's 
not  been  such  a  state  of  affairs  since 
PITT,  or  somebody.  The  plan  of  giving 
them  jig-saws  to  keep  them  quiet  and 
prevent  them  from  noticing  what 's 
going  on  is  a  failure.  Norty  says  Pri- 
vate Members  might  just  as  well  send 
messenger-boys  to  sit  in  their  places, 
and  a  great  many  of  them  mean  to  do 
so.  He 's  only  had  the  chance  to 
speak  once  since  Parliament  met. 
Wasn't  that  a  lovely  speech  of  his? 
and  didn't  ho  let  them  have  it  straight 
about  this  proposal  to  give  Australia 
to  Japan  and  the  Isle  of  Wight  to 
Germany  ? 

Such  a  funny 'affair  at  the  Wim- 
bushes',  my  dear!  You  know  them, 
don't  you  ?  He 's  Sir  Peter  Wimbush, 
Ltd.,  the  great  bristle  man  of  Thames 
Street ;  but  one  meets  them  every- 
where, for  they  're  simply  rolling,  and 
bristles — qud  bristles — so  long  as  they 
don't  make  themselves  into  brooms 
and  brushes — are  visited  and  may  visit  I 
George,  the  elder  son,  followed  his 
father  into  bristles  and  his  mother  to 
parties,  and  w»s  just  like  other  young 


men.  But  Leonard,  the  younger  one, 
has  suffered  acutely  from  "views." 
He  wouldn't  live  at  home,  dressed 
anyhow,  spelt  people  with  a  big  P, 
wore  a  red  tie,  addressed  op ,-n-air 
meetings,  and  led  about  dingy  pro- 
cessions that  wanted  things.  The  old 
people  and  George  were  horribly  angry 
and  ashamed.  Not  long  ago,  George's 
engagement  to  Torfrida  Saxonbury 
was  announced.  She's  the  Mercias' 
second  girl,  pretty  and  popular  and 
an  enthusiastic  Daffodil-Leaguer  (her 
brothers,  Hengist  and  Horsa,  are  two 
of  the  nicest  boys  I  know).  The  old 
W.'s  were  in  raptures  with  George's 
engagement,  and  asked  their  dear 
future  daughter  to  use  "a  sister's 
influence"  with  Leonard  to  win  him 
from  the  error  of  his  ways.  She  set 
to  work  obediently.  George  and  his 
parents  used  to  leave  her  tete-a-tete 
with  Leonard,  that  she  might  argue 
and  coax  and  win  him  back  to  the 
right  way ;  and  so  the  arguing  and 
coaxing  and  "  sister's  influence  "  went 
on — till,  two  days  before  she  was  to 
have  married  George,  Torfrida  ran 
away  with  Leonard,  and  then  wrote 
to  say  she  had  won  him  back  to  the 
right  way,  that  his  views  had  proved 
to  be  dissolving-views,  that  he  'd 
thrown  away  his  red  ties  and  spelt 
people  with  a  small  p  again,  but 
that  they'd  found  that  they  couldn't 
live  without  each  other,  and  so 
they  were  married,  and  they  hoped 
George  and  the  parents  would  forgive 
them ! 

The  old  Wimbushes  had  nothing  to 
forgive,  of  course.  On  the  contrary, 
they  were  overjoyed  to  have  Leonard 
won  back.  .  But  their  joy  was  short. 
George,  in  his  rage,  has  become  a 
worse  Socialist  than  Leonard  ever  was, 
vows  vengeance  against  society,  and 
not  only  wears  a  red  tie  but  a  red 
revolutionary  cap !  I  hear  that  he 
addressed  a  meeting  in  the  Park  last 
week  and  advocated  the  abolition  of 
almost  everything,  and  particularly  of 
parents,  brothers,  and  fiancees  ! 

Lala  Middleshire  gets  on  splendidly 
with  her  Maison  de  Deuil.  The  Bullyon- 
Boundermere  woman  has  been  heard 
to  say  that  she  wishes  "  the  dear 
duchess  had  gone  into  a  business 
where  one  would  have  had  more 
opportunity  of  dealing  with  her  !  " 
Norty  says  Mr.  B.-B.  had  better  keep 
a  sharp  eye  on  his  better  half  and  a 
bright  look-out  on  what  he  eats,  as 
wifely  affection  may  go  down  before 
the  longing  to  give  Lala  a  job  1 

Oh,  my  dearest  and  best  1  I  'd  such 
a  dilly  evening  a  week  or  so  ago!  I 
went  to  the  great  fight  between  Basher 
Briggs  and  Kid  Billings.  (I  gave  a  big 
tea  for  them  the  afternoon  before,  and 


1  everybody    voted    them     simply    and 
absolutely  charming). 

The  light  itself  was  just  a  little  bit 
rather  a  disappointment,  the  poor  dear 
Kid  being  knocked  out  in  the  sixth 
round.  Beryl  Clarges  was  quite  furious 
about  it,  said  she  'd  expected  a  thirty- 
round  contest  at  least,  and  had  given 
ten  guineas  for  nothing  ! — which  I  con- 
sidered distinctly  bloodthirsty  of  her. 
We've  got  the  victor,  Basher  Briggs, 
for  our  next  Causerie  du  Mardi.  Ho  's 
going  to  talk  to  us  about  upper-cuts 
and  body-blows,  and  all  delicious  things 
of  that  sort,  for  the  especial  benefit  of 
women  who  were  too  nervy  to  go  to  the 
fight. 

So  all  that  tiresome  nonsense  about 
SHAKSPEARE  and  BACON  is  up  again, 
and  they  're  positively  groping  in  a  river 
for  writings  to  prove  that  it  was  BACON  ! 
But  I  can  just  tell  them  this  : — If  they 
do  find  any  writings  in  the  river,  it  will 
prove  the  case  for  Shakspeare,  for  you 
know,  my  dearest,  in  one  of  his  plays 
he  mentions  "  books  in  running  brooks," 
and  that  was  evidently  after  he  'd  put 
some  there.  Nothing  like  a  woman's 
wit  for  settling  these  matters ! 

I  asked  dear  Professor  Dimsdale 
what  he  thinks  about  it,  and  he  says 
that,  for  his  part,  he  holds  that  not  only 
was  there  no  such  person  as  SHAK- 
SPEARE, but  that  there  was  no  such  man 
as  BACON  either,  and  that  QUEEN  ELIZA- 
BETH did  it  all  I  I  thanked  him  in  the 
name  of  all  my  sex  for  having  such  a 
tip-top  opinion  of  one  of  us,  and  he  said, 
"  Not  at  all.  It 's  my  fixed  belief  that 
QUEEN  ELIZABETH  was  a  man  !  " 

Ever  thine,  BLANCHE. 

P.S. — Wee- Wee  has  taken  to  the  new 
skirt,  and  Bosh  refuses  to  go  anywhere 
with  her  in  consequence.  "  Why  ?  " 
she  asked  him.  "  What 's  your  ob- 
jection to  it  ?  "  "  My  objection  to  it," 
he  said,  "is  that  it's  not  it — it's 
them!" 


The  Sybarites. 

"There  was  again  a  very  large  crowd  of 
residents  present  at  the  recital  by  tlie  Y  and  L 
Band  at  the  Frere  Hall  bandstand  on  Saturday 
night.  The  members  of  the  band  brought 
their  own  ginger  beer  with  them,  as  usual." 

Sind  Gazette. 

None  of  your  cheap  brands  for  the  Y 
and  L. 

"Wanted,  smart  youth  ;  ride  bicycle  and  go 
up  ladder  ;  regular  job." 

Advt.  in  "Ipswich  Evening  Star." 
In    this    age    of    specialisation   there 
should  be  no  difficulty  about  filling  the 
double  post. 

"Wanted  a  Gardener,  who  will  be  required 
to  make  himself  gem-rail}'  useful.  Wages  £20 
weekly." — Advt.  in  "  Church  Times." 

There  are  plums  in  every  profession. 


MAUCH  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


205 


THE   BROODINGS    OF   CAMBERLLY. 

SECOND     SERIES.* 

(After  "  The   Comments  of  Bar/shot.") 

September  9th,  1837. — While  waiting 
for  my  'bus  this  morning  I  had  the 
good  luck  to  fall  in  with  a  window- 
cleaner.  Sitting  by  mo  all  the  way  to 
my  oflice,  he  talked  of  his  profession ; 
and  ha  was,  I  think,  the  wisest  man 
I  ever  met,  and  certainly  the  most 
modest.  "  Yes,"  he  said,  in  response 
to  one  of  my  questions,  "  it 's  cer- 
tainly dangerous.  But,  then,  EO  is 
life.  Life  's  dangerous,  life  is.  It 's 
dangerous  for  us  to  sit  here.  The 
horses  may  run  away ;  the  wheel  may 
come  off;  something  may  barge  into 
us  ;  we  may  be  catching  cold  ;  for  all 
I  know  to  the  contrary,  you  've  got 
the  diphtheria,  and  I  shall  get  it  too. 
Window-cleaning,  no  doubt,  is  perilous 
work ;  but  what  I  say  is  this :  every- 
thing's perilous,  come  to  think  about 
it.  Look  at  the  blokes  what  have  died 
in  bed.  That 's  what  I  say,  and  that 's 
why  I  'm  not  afraid  when  I  'm  cleaning 
the  third  floor  front  or  the  fourth  floor 
back."  I  call  that  heroic  common- 
sense.  Ever  since  then  I  have  been 
racking  my  brain  to  imagine  what  he 
would  say  if  he  fell. 

June  6th,  1852. — Last  night  I  had  a 
curious  dream,  as  indeed  I  often  do. 
I  dreamt  that  I  had  gone  to  a  swim- 
ming bath  and  had  undressed,  but  could 
not  find  any  bath  with  more  than  one 
foot  or  possibly  eighteen  inches  of  water 
in  it.  They  were  splendid  large  baths, 
and  I  was  looking  for  a  good  swim,  but 
it  was  no  use.  I  went  from  one  to  another 
and  always  the  same  want  of  water. 

It  is  impossible  for  my  pen  to  convey 
the  disappointment  that  I  felt  in  being 
thus  defrauded  of  the  natation  I  had  so 
eagerly  anticipated.  I  woke  thoroughly 
unrefreshed,  and  have  often  thought 
since  how  remarkable  dreams  are  and 
wondered  whence  they  draw  their 
inspiration. 

November  5th,  1871. — I  saw  an  odd 
sight  in  the  street  to  day.  A  number 

•  The  first  series  appeared  in  the  Peagreen 
Incorruptible  during  1907  and  literally  swept 
the  we  rid.  Letters  poured  in  on  the  editor 
from  every  quarter  of  the  universe.  Thus, 
among  Oamberley'a  new  papers  I  found  a  stout 
and  bitter  note-book  labelled  "  My  Remi- 
niscences." I  seized  it  with  avidity,  hoping  for 
spicy  anecdotes  of  the  leaders  of  his  historic 
times,  but  instead  it  was  filled  with  such 
entries  aa  these:— "We  send  sincere  thanks 
for  the  new  'Breedings  of  Oamberley' — com- 
pelluigly  interesting  and  stimulating  aa  of  okl." 
This  from  old  England  ever  staunch  and 
true.  Tlie  next  from  Connecticut;  "You  can 
hardly  realise  how  much  I  enjoy  the  coming  of 
your  paper  twice  a  week.  We  all  stand  on  the 
piazza  and  cheer. "  The  next  from  the  Territory 
ofPkuui  "Your  bright  little  paper."  Thelast 
from  Koweit:  "That  darling  wise  Oamberley." 


Flustered  Traveller.   "POUTER,  DOES  THIS  TRAIN  CLAP  AT  STOPUAM  JcwcTioNt' 


of  boys  wearing  funny  clothes  and 
masks  were  pushing  a  perambulator 
along  Holborn,  in  which  was  what  I 
took  to  be  a  baby,  also  wearing  a 
mask.  They  were  singing  some  song 
about  remembering  something,  which, 
as  it  is  what  I  am  always  doing  or 
trying  to  do,  naturally  interested  me. 
But  all  my  humanity  was  roused  by 
the  spectacle  of  the  child  being  thus 
exposed  not  only  to  the  elements  and 
the  ridicule  of  the  passers-by,  but  also 
to  the  ordinary  danger  of  vehicular 
traffic  in  this  vast  and  busy  city  of 
ours,  and,  acting  on  an  impulse,  I 
dashed  at  the  perambulator,  intending 
to  snatch  the  baby  from  it.  This,  how- 
ever, was  not  easy,  as  it  was  tied  in. 
But  I  quickly  drew  my  pen,  that  being 


much  mightier  than  my  knife,  and 
slashed  the  cords.  Meanwhile  the  boys 
were  saying  things  that  would  set  the 
readers  of  this  reminiscence  screaming 
were  I  to  repeat  them  ;  but  I  was  not 
silenced,  and  bore  the  baby  swiftly  to 
my  office.  There,  however,  to  my  dis- 
gust I  discovered  that  it  was  only  a 
stuffed  dummy.  I  have  been  wonder- 
ing ever  since  what  I  should  have  done 
with  it  had  it  been  real. 

March  8,  1884.— There  died  to-day, 
aged  a  hundred  and  one,  my  father's 
oldest  friend,  D.  B.  P.  His  proudest 
recollection  was  that  he  onca  saw 
Porson  sober. 

April  1,  1898. — Being  to-day  on  a 
'bus  in  Cheapside,  I  heard  an  excellent 
thing,  as  one  always  can  if  one  keeps 


206 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


one's  ears  open  and  one's  eyes  wide. 
A  heavily-laden  waggon,  containing  I 
do  not  know  what,  but  evidently  mer- 
chandise of  considerable  avoirdupois, 
drew  across  our  way.  Our  driver, 
without  a  moment's  hesitation,  called 
out,  "  Why  don't  you  get  your  old 
woman  to  come  out  and  drive  for 
you  ?  "  The  expression  of  mortification 
on  the  waggoner's  face,  as  he  realized 
that  he  had  no  fitting  reply,  would 
require  the  pencil  of  a  CLAUDE  to  do  it 
justice.  I  have  often  wondered  since, 
not  only  what  the  best  retort  would 
have  been,  but  also  what  the  waggon 
contained. 

March  15th,  1904.—  Walking  down 
Southampton  Eow  this  morning,  I 
noticed  three  little  boys  playing  the 
game  which  I  believe  is  called  tipcat. 
One  of  the  urchins  struck  the  cat  with 
such  violence  that  it  flew  through  the 
window  of  a  solicitor's  office  ;  but  before 
the  indignant  clerk  emerged,  the  boys 
had  disappeared.  I  am  still  wondering 
what  would  have  happened  if  the 
"  cat  "  had  been  alive,  or,  worse  still, 
had  had  nine  lives  and  nine  tails. 

March  17th,  1911.  —  I  was  walking 
down  the  Strand  to-day,  and  passed  a 
party  of  girls  going  westward  on  the 
north  side,  opposite  the  Savoy.  One 
of  them,  pretty,  daintily  dressed,  aged 
about  eighteen,  and  apparently  quite 
sane,  suddenly  detached  herself  from 
the  others  and  planted  a  fervent  kiss 
on  the  window  of  The  Globe  office.  All 
to-night  I  have  been  racking  my  brain 
to  imagine  why,  if  she  had  to  kiss  any 
evening  paper,  she  kissed  that.  As  if 
there  were  no  others  ! 

It  is  fortunate,  is  it  not,  that  these 
are  merely  extracts  from  Camberley's 
note-book,  and  not  my  own  ?  This 
thought  keeps  me  busy  and  happy 
most  of  the  spare  time  I  get. 

According  to  Father  BEBNABD 
VAUQHAN,  as  reported  in  The  Morning 
Post,  "  the  Twentieth  Century  would 
be  known  to  a  future  generation  as  the 
age  of  the  childless  home."  If  the 
present  generation  is  childless  we  don't 
at  first  see  how  a  future  one  is  going 
to  get  born.  Possibly  it  will  be 
managed  away  from  home. 

"Before  her  marriage  to  Lord  Oamden  in 
1898  she  was  the  daughter  of  Lord  and  Lady 
Henry  Nevill."  —  Evening  News. 

Was   the    marriage   as   unpopular   as 
that? 

"Mr.  G.  H.  Riley,  in  proposing  'The 
Host,'  said  they  were  all  perfectly  agreed  tlut 
the  dinner  had  been  most  perfectly  served,  and 
all  present  had  thoroughly  enjoyed  it. 
(Applause.)  Song,  "  Your  eyes  have  told  me 
BO.'  —  Stixion  Advertiser. 


That  's  where  it  shows. 


A  DEFENCE  OF  THE  FELINE. 

[The  Kevereud  Head  Master  of  Kton,  i 
prominent  vegetarian,  recently  attacked  the 
<l«]ii<stic  cat  at  the  annual  meeting  of  the 
Koyal  Society  for  the  Protection  of  l.irds. 
"The  harmless  necessary  eat,"  he  declared,  "is 
neither  harmless  nor  necessary.  Could  not  the 
public  be  compelled  to  check  the  multiplication 
of  cats  t  .  .  .  Could  any  tragedy  be  more 
wanton  than  the  devastation  of  a  goldtiiirh's 
nest  by  a  prowling  brute  that  nobody  wanted  to 
live."] 

STRONG  indignation  fires  my  soul, 

With  strength  my  Muso  apparels  ; 
Come  here,  ye  kittens  !  Caracole, 

And  fill  your  furry  barrels  ; 
Tush    to    the    reverend  pedagogue's 

control  I 
Boll    on,   thou    deep  and    dark    blue 

Persian,  roll 
And  rend  the  night  with  carols. 

Have  I  no  sympathy  with  larks 
And  nightingales  and  throstles, 

Who  love  my  Tiger's  purred  remarks 
When  round  my  boots  he  jostles  ? 

I  would  not  suffocate  his  vital  sparks 

For  all  the  thunders  of  the  Church's 

clerks, 
Backed  by  the  twelve  Apostles. 

What  if  he  takes  a  tit  or  two 

Or  other  tiny  trillers, 
The  feathered  victims  that  he  slew 

Were  they  not  also  killers  ? 
Shall  we  not  weep  for  gentlemen  who 

rue 
The  flush  unborn  of  wings  that  never 

flew — 
Who  keep  pet  caterpillars  ? 

Has  not  the  anguish  of  the  worm, 
His  mute  eyes  turned  to  heaven 
(Beast  who,  the  scientists  affirm, 

Is  nature's  salt  and  leaven), 
By  the   rathe  blackbird's   beak   com- 
pelled to  squirm, 
Sometimes  prevented  boys  for  half  the 

term 
From  getting  up  at  seven  ? 

No,  if  the  gods  have  been  unkind 
And  filled  the  world  with  riot, 

It  scarce  becomes  a  sage's  mind 
To  add  to  this  disquiet. 

Better  to  found  some  academe  designed 

To  teach  both  birds  and  cats  the  more 

refined, 
The  vegetarian  diet. 


in 


Two  consecutive  advertisements 
The  Rangoon  Gazette  : — 

"  Lost,  Fox  Terrier,  six  months  old,  white 
with  black  and  tan  marks,  answers  to  the  name 
of  Hags.  Anyone  bringing  to  above  address 
will  be  rewarded. 

Notice.  With  reference  to  the  above  notice 
I  did  not  leave  the  protection  of  my  husband 
of  my  own  accord  ;  the  separation  was  not  of 
my  seeking." 

There  is  some  mystery  here. 


OUE  NEW  PATEICIANS. 
PALACES  WHILE  You  WAIT. 

THE  superb  palace  which  Lord 
Ockstein,  the  famous  South  African 
magnate,  is  building  on  his  Surrey 
estate  of  Hankley  Hall,  midway  l.o- 
tween  the  Devil's  Jumps  and  the  Hog's 
Back,  is  not  only  remarkable  as  a 
typical  specimen  of  modern  rococo 
domestic  architecture  of  the  most 
advanced  order,  but  as  constituting  a 
record  in  rapid  construction.  The 
Hankley  Hall  Estate,  it  may  be 
mentioned  at  the  outset,  was  for  some 
four  hundred  years  in  the  possession 
of  the  old  Surrey  family  of  Tilford,  hut 
was  purchased  for  a  song  in  1896  by 
Mr.  Nathan  Frankel,  the  Well-known 
City  financier,  who  sold  it  two  years 
ago  to  Lord  Ockstein  for  £750,000. 
The  estate  lies  in  the  heart  of  the  most 
picturesque  tract  of  what  is  still  known 
as  wild  Surrey,  and  the  view  from  the 
site  of  the  new  house  is  one  of  the 
linest  in  England. 

The  old  Elizabsthan  manor-house 
which  Lord  Ockstein  took  over  with 
the  property  occupied  a  beautiful  tree- 
sheltered  position  facing  South  over 
the  Wey  valley,  and  was  pronounced 
by  Mr.  EEGINALD  BLOMFIELD,  A.E.A., 
to  be  an  even  finer  specimen  of  l.its 
Tudor  style  than  the  superb  Norfolk 
manor-house  which  was  recently  pulled 
down  by  Lord  Lumley  of  Peckham. 
Hankley  Old  Hall,  which  was  begun 
in  1576  and  finished  in  1613,  was 
demolished  in  two  days  by  Messrs. 
Wallop,  the  famous  contractors,  who 
are  pushing  on  the  construction  of  the 
new  palace  at  such  a  high  rate  of 
speed  that  it  is  expected  the  whole 
work  will  be  finished  in  less  than 
three  months.  Since  the  days  of 
the  Great  Pyramid  of  CHEOPS  there 
has  never  been  so  large  an  army 
of  workmen  simultaneously  employed 
on  the  same  work.  Akeady  the  shell 
of  the  gigantic  building  is  complete, 
and  in  a  week  or  two  the  battalions  of 
masons,  stone  -  cutters,  &c.,  will  be 
replaced  by  fresh  hordes  of  skilled 
craftsmen  from  the  Tottenham  Court 
Eoad,  who  will  complete  the  internal 
fitting,  decorating  and  upholstery. 

As  for  externals,  it  may  be  at  once 
admitted  that  Messrs.  Gotch  and 
Knackfuss,  the  architects,  have  reso- 
lutely refused  to  retain  any  of  the 
features  of  the  old  building.  The  new 
palace  is  entirely  in  the  neo-Gulielmian 
style,  and  is  built  from  end  to  end 
of  collo-concrete  blocks  of  condensed 
pate  de  foie  gras  faced  with  Parian 
marble.  The  portico,  supported  by 
Ionic  columns,  is  a  fine  specimen  of 
the  Debased  Byzantine  school,  and 
the  mixture  of  Gothic  arches,  Norman 


MAI«:H  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


207 


l'aaser-by  (to  despondent  I  i  n-ichislle  player).   "\\'HY  so  BAD,  OHAULIK?" 

Player.  "Jusr  FAIIND  AHT  I  BIN  PLAYIN'  JOB  A  OOOD  'AHK-HUUR  AHTSIDK  A  HOFF-LICENCB." 


pillars  and  gilt  Oriental  cupolas  and 
minarets  is  quite  indescribable.  The 
frontage  is  just  five  feet  wider  than  that 
of  the  Crystal  Palace.  The  great 
central  hall,  which  is  almost  as  beauti- 
ful as  the  Queen's  Hall,  is  profusely 
decorated  with  historic  frescoes  illus- 
trating scenes  in  the  lives  of  the  heroes 
of  finance — MIDAS,  CRCESUS,  CKASSUS, 
Ac. — and  is  provided  with  a  noiseless 
sliding  roof.  On  the  north  wing  there 
is  a  magnificent  roof  winter  garden, 
with  a  real  ice  rink,  toboggan  slide 
and  bobsleigh  run.  A  special  feature 
of  the  dining-hall  is  a  device  by  which 
it  can  suddenly  be  converted  into  a 
swimming-bath  for  the  entertainment 
of  high-spirited  guests,  should  con- 
versation flag.  There  are  ninety  best 
bedrooms,  each  with  a  private  cellar 
attached,  and  each  servant's  room  is 
equipped  with  a  complete  set  of  The 
Encyclopaedia  Britannica  and  a  plaster 
cast  of  the  editor,  Dr.  HUGH  CHISHOLM. 
The  Plover's  Egg  Store  is  the  second 
largest  in  Europe,  the  Caviare  Pit  is 
sixty  feet  in  diameter  and  eighty  feet 
deep,  and  the  Turtle  Tank  is  very 
nearly  as  large  as  the  Round  Pond. 
The  Cold  Storage  Crypt  is  a  stately 
hall,  in  which  the  panels  are  to  be 
filled  with  appropriate  Arctic  land- 
scapes by  Mr.  SIGISMUND  GOETZE. 
The  gardens,  which  cover  six  square 


miles,  unite  the  most  solemn  features 
of  the  Euston  Eoad  with  the  colour 
scheme  of  a  Kensington  High  Street 
ladies'  hat-shop  front.  The  statues 
have  been  imported  from  Italy  and 
Sicily,  the  Japanese  summer-houses 
from  Birmingham,  and  the  gold  fish 
from  the  Gold  Coast.  The  Dutch 
garden  is  enclosed  by  rows  of  yew 
trees  brought  from  Holland,  some  of 
which  have  taken  a  hundred  years  of 
trimming  by  Dutch  topiarists  to 
acquire  their  present  fantastic  shapes. 
The  great  salt-water  lake  is  stocked 
with  tarpon  from  the  coast  of  Florida 
and  eels  carefully  selected  by  Mr. 
CONGER,  the  late  American  Ambassador 
at  Constantinople.  The  private  golf- 
links  have  been  laid  down  regardless 
of  expense  with  a  layer  of  turf  and 
sand  ten  feet  deep,  brought  from  the 
coast  of  Fife  in  a  vessel  built  especially 
for  the  purpose.  The  bents  are  from 
the  Austrian  bentwoods,  but  the  pro- 
fessional, ground-men,  club- maker,  and 
a  corps  of  sixteen  caddies  are  all  natives 
of  St.  Andrews. 

The  number  of  Dreadnoughts  belong- 
ing to  Germany  threatens  to  become 
more  than  the  North  Sea  can  hold, 
and  there  is  talk  in  German  official 
circles  of  increasing  its  accommodation 
by  the  submersion  of  Holland. 


THE  LOVER  ON  THE  LINKS. 

Now  all  delights  of  living  meet 
When  I  behold  her  thus,  my  sweet, 
Planting  with  care  her  dainty  feet, 

Swinging  the  driver  high. 
On  me  she  throws  one  radiant  glance, 
Then  eagerly  she  smites  (her  stance, 

Is  rotten,  by-the-by). 

She  's  missed  1  Ah,  well,  the  love  I  bear 
Can  pardon  that,  with  some  to  spare 
(Confound  that  silly  rotter  there 

Grinning  like  one  insane). 
Her  eyes  grow  bright,  her  temples  flush, 
The  club  swoops  downwards  with  a 
rush, — 

Moses  1     She  's  missed  again  I 

Have  I  done  well  to  bring  her  here, 
Exposed  to  every  idle  jeer, 
Causing  strange  wrinkles  to  appear 

Upon  the  caddie's  brow  ? 
Consummate  ass  (for  such  I  am), 
I  might  have  realised — Oh, 1 

She 's  smashed  the  driver  now  1 

How  different  was  the  game  she  played 
When  first  love's  spell  on  me  she  laid  1 
No  ineffective  strokes  were  made 

The  day  that  feat  was  done ; 
Fixing  it  with  a  keen  regard, 
She  hit  the  helpless  object  hard, 

And  did  the  whole  in  one. 


208 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


Little  Girt  (fortissimo).    "  MOTHER  !  DO    LOOK  AT  THAT    STRORDINARY   LADY!"  (Notices 
mother's  look  of  horror.)     "  SORRY,  MOTHER  ;  I  FORGOT  I  OUGHTN'T  TO  POINT." 


THE  MARTYKS. 

MY  cousins,  the  Metcalfes,  have  just 
returned  from  wintering  in  Switzerland. 
I  say  this  without  fear  of  contradiction, 
because  each  of  them,  at  his  or  her 
own  time,  has  told  me  all  about  it. 
Yes,  all  and  a  little  bit  more  besides. 
I  have  marvelled  much,  and  with  never- 
failing  politeness.  I  have  uttered  many 
a  "  Really  ?  "  many  a  "  You  don't  say 
so,"  many  a  "  How  delightful  1  "  My 
face  has  ached  from  the  incessant  strain 
of  a  concentrated  expression.  Ah  1 
I  have  suffered. 

My  relatives-in-law,  the  Adden- 
brokes,  invited  me  to  dine  with  them 
last  night.  I  went.  "  They  are  talk- 
ative," I  admitted  to  myself,  "  but  they 
do  not  like  snow.  They  cannot  have 
been  to  Switzerland.  With  them  I 
shall,  at  any  rate,  find  relief  from  the 
never  -  ceasing  information  of  my 
cousins,  the  Metcalfes."  But  upon 
greeting  my  hostess  I  received  the 
worst  news.  My  relatives-in-law,  the 


Addenbrokes,  had,  it  appeared,  been 
wintering  in  Egypt,  and  it  was  for  me 
to  take  the  youngest  and  the  worst  of 
them  in  to  dinner.  This  I  reluctantly 
did. 

"  Tell  me  all  about  Egypt,"  I  said, 
"  and  get  through  with  it  as  quickly 
as  possible." 

She  started  telling  me  all  about 
Egypt,  beginning  with  the  crossing 
from  Dover  to  Calais.  "  That,"  I  told 
her,  "  is  more  or  less  familiar.  Come 
to  the  detailed  glories  of  the  Orient  as 
expeditiously  as  may  be.  One  travels 
to  Switzerland  also  vid  Dover  and 
Calais." 

She  tarried  at  Naples.  "  Have  we 
much  further  to  go  ?  "  I  asked,  swallow- 
ing a  yawn. 

We  arrived  at  Cairo  with  the  entree 
and  had  only  left  Egypt  with  the 
savoury.  We  just  managed  to  reach 
England  again  by  dessert-time,  and  I 
had  scarcely  been  put  out  upon 
Charing  Cross  platform  and  had  the 
luggage  examined,  when  the  ladies  with- 


drew, Egyptian  cigarettes  (smuggled) 
appeared,  and  John  Addenbroke  drew 
his  chair  up  to  mine.  At  once  I  was 
re-embarked  at  Dover.  From  Dover, 
it  seems,  one  sails  to  Calais. 

"Pardon,"  I  interrupted,  "but  a 
thought  occurs  to  me  which  demands 
instant  utterance.  Has  it  ever  occurred 
to  you  that  history  omits  all  reference 
to  its  real  heroes,  its  genuine  martyrs  ?  " 

"  Talking  about  our  journey  to 
Egypt,"  he  replied  irrelevantly. 

"  I  was  thinking  rather,"  I  persisted, 

of  another  man's  journey  to  America. 
In  no  book  of  history  have  I  even  seen 
their  names  mentioned,  but  what 
agonies  they  must  have  been  through  !  " 

"Who  are  'they'?"  he  asked  im- 
patiently. I  answered  him  with  great 
deliberation.  > 

"  The  relatives,"  I  said,  "  and  the 
relatives-in-law  of  COLUMBUS." 


IEEEGULAE  ANNIVERSARIES. 

["It  being  twelve  years  and  a  half  ago  to-day 
since  Queen  Wilhehmna  ascended  the  throne, 
celebrations  are  being  held  throughout  the 
country." — "Daily  Mail."} 

As  it  is  now  exactly  twenty-seven 
years,  three  months  and  a  half  since 
Mr.  ROOSEVELT  shot  his  first  grizzly, 
the  anniversary  is  being  suitably  cele- 
brated at  Oyster  Bay. 

Precisely  nineteen  years,  nine  months 
and  three  quarters  have  elapsed  since 
Mr.  BART  KENNEDY  arrived  at  the 
epoch  -  making  decision  to  eliminate 
verbs  from  his  narrative  style.  In  com- 
memoration of  this  joyous  date  the 
Bermondsey  Quick  Speech  League  have 
decided  to  entertain  the  eminent  litt&ra- 
teur  at  a  quick  lunch  at  the  Cassowary 
Restaurant. 

Close  on  thirty  -  two  years  have 
winged  their  way  into  the  past  since 
Sir  HERBERT  BEERBOHM  TREE,  during 
a  sojourn  in  the  Bavarian  Highlands, 
acquired  the  fascinating  accomplish- 
ment of  jodelling.  The  Incorporated 
Society  of  Bavarian  Highlanders  have 
very  properly  decided  to  signalise  this 
auspicious  anniversary  by  an  al-fresco 
concert  in  Trafalgar  Square,  at  which 
Sir  HERBERT  has  kindly  promised  to 
render  the  Bam  des  Vaches  in  costume 
to  an  accompaniment  on  the  xylophone, 
performed  by  Sir  HENRY  J.  WOOD. 

Just  eleven  years  and  eleven  months 
ago  Mr.  DOUGLAS  SLADEN  narrowly 
escaped  being  run  over  by  an  omnibus 
in  Piccadilly.  To  celebrate  the  anni- 
versary of  this  happy  escape,  his  fellow- 
members  of  the  Omar  Khayyam  Club 
have  decided  to  serenade  him  with  an 
Ode,  which  has  been  written  by  Mr. 
CHARLES  GEAKB  and  set  to  music  by 
the  Queen  of  ROUMANIA,  assisted  by  the 
Chevalier  LE  QUEUX. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MABCH  22,  1911. 


to-*^^M*»fc 


A   LITTLE-NAVY   EXHIBIT. 


DESIGN  FOB  A  FIGURE  OF  BRITANNIA.  AS  CERTAIN   PEOPLE  WOULD   LIKE   TO   SEE    HER. 

[See  reports  of  debate  on  the  proposal  to  reduce  expenditure  on  the  Navy.] 


MARCH  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


211 


ESSENCE     OF     PARLIAMENT. 

(K.X  I  I:  \flt.\t  FROM  THE  DlAllY  OK   ToBY,    M.  P. ) 

Houte  of  Commons,  Monday  March  18, 

-  Sn.AKi.i:  mining  back  to  Chair  after 
iirurK  \\ci'k's  retirement,  inure  pd 
elieei  fully  spent  in  company  of  an  old 
fiunilv  friend  finds  hanging  low  over 
House  an  appreciable,  though  inde- 
MTiliablo,  cloud  of  dulness.  Some- 
thing to  do,  perhaps,  with  absence  of 
I'KKMIKK,  called  away  by  illness  of  his 
daughter,  and  sight  of  empty  seat 
r.uvly  occupied  by  CHANCELLOR  OP 
EXCHEQDEB  since  Session  opened. 
Gaps  in  other  quarters  of  House, 
occupants  not  caring  to  face  wintry 
March,  who,  having  failed  to  come  in 
like  a  lion,  assumes  aspect  of  polar 
boar.  PKINCE  ARTHUR  drops  in 
punctually  when  Questions  nearly  over. 
EDWAKD  GREY,  understood  to  be  in 
charge  of  forthcoming  debate,  strate- 
gically makes  himself  master  of  situa- 
tion by  viewing  its  early  development 
from  retirement  of  his  room  behind  the 
SPEAKER'S  Chair. 

WINSOME  WINSTON,  wide  awake  after 
being  up  all  Thursday  night,  appears 
at  Table,  bearer  of  Eoyal  message.  No 
demonstration  greets  his  first  official 
reappearance  on  the  scene.  Varied 
opinions  expressed  upon  his  conduct  of 
affairs  during  all-night  sitting.  Some 
say  more  generous  distillation  of  his 
characteristic  winsomenes s  would  have 
shortened  proceedings.  Others  discern 
in  succession  of  stormy  scenes  an 
organised  plot  above  Gangway  opposite 
Treasury  bench  to  "  take  it  out  oi "  an 
obnoxious  Minister. 

From  that  point  of  view  WINSTON'S 
bellicose  attitude  defensible.  The  worst 
that  may  be  said  of  him  has  already 
been  hymned  by  a  French  poet : 

Get  animal  cst  ties  mechant ; 
Quand  on  1'attaque  il  se  deTeni. 

However  that  be,  here  he  is  at 
Table,  submitting  in  suavest  manner 
"  another  proof  of  the  gracious  con- 
sideration His  MAJESTY  shows  for  the 
convenience  of  his  faithful  Commons." 
Goes  on  to  explain  that  it  takes  the 
form  of  desiring  that  the  House  shall 
be  represented  by  Mr.  SPEAKER  at  the 
solemnitiesof  the  Coronation.  "  Leaving 
other  Members  to  go  to  Westminster 
in  the  manner  most  convenient  to 
themselves,"  WINSTON  cheerily  adds, 
thinking  of  the  scramble  for  the  best 
places. 

When  debate  opened,  explanation 
forthcoming  of  depression  weighing 
down  spirits  of  Members  in  opening 
hour  of  sitting.  Due  to  intelligent, 
almost  supernatural,  anticipation  of 
what  was  in  store  for  them.  Debate 
on  "  enormous  increase  durin"  recent 


•NAVY 
,  ESTIMATES 

35>. 


ANOTHER   "NAVY  SCARE." 
Mr.  Murray  Mactionald.   "This  is  very  alarming  1" 
John  BaU.    "  What  is?" 

Mr.  M.  M.   "Why,  all  this  big,  expensive  Navy!" 
John  Bull.   "Well,  jou  mi^ht  find  it  even  more  alarming  if  it  were  a  little  cheap  one!' 


years  in  expenditure  of  the  Army  and 
Navy  "  started  by  MURRAY  MACDONALD. 
In  his  Resolution  says  he  "  views  it 
with  alarm,"  and  asks  House  to  join 
him  in  access  of  trepidation.  To  do 
him  justice,  alarm  the  last  emotion 
one  would  connect  with  his  placid 
countenance,  his  measured  monotony 
of  utterance,  the  level  flow  of 
what  promised  to  be  interminable 
verbiage. 

The  MEMBER  FOR  SARK  estimates  that 
in  time  of  threatened  invasion  MURRAY 
MACDONALD'S  services  to  the  State 
would  be  equal  in  value  to  at  least  one 
Dreadnought.  If  he  were  to  go  down, 
accost  the  enemy  and  threaten  to  talk 
for  an  hour's  length  in  the  manner  and 
matter  of  to-night's  speech,  the  invader 
would,  at  end  of  first  twenty  minutes, 
fold  his  tents  like  the  Arab  and  as 
silently  steal  away. 


PONSONBY,  who  seconded  motion,  a 
trifle  better.  But  not  much.  Once  he 
arrested,  for  a  moment  held,  waver- 
ing attention  of  House.  It  was  when, 
dropping  into  one  of  those  personal 
allusions  which  delight  the  House,  he 
informed  it  that  he  had  been  born  and 
brought  up  in  a  despatch  box. 

Business  done. — Motion  demanding 
diminution  of  expenditure  on  Army  and 
Navy  found  support  of  56  Members  in 
muster  of  332.  Ministerial  majority 
run  up  to  220. 

Thursday. — Through  the  week  quarter 
of  House  occupied  by  Irish  Nationalists 
has  borne  resemblance  to  armed  camp. 
Effort  decorously  made  to  conceal 
state  of  things  under  ordinary  parlia- 
mentary forms.  But  it  has  been 
unmistakable. 

Arose  out  of  remark  made  by  CAPTAIM 
OBAIO  at  break  of  day  after  all-night 


212 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


f/JJI 


OAPT.    CRAIG    STARTS    WITH    LONG    JOHN    O'CONNOR. 


sitting.  Irish  Members  thoroughly 
enjoyed  the  outing.  Eeminded  them 
of  old  times  when  JOSEPH  GILLIS 
BIGGAR  was  yet  with  them.  With 
glistening  eyes  they  told  each  other  of 
the  morning  when  JOEY  B.,  having 
slept  for  a  couple  of  hours  on  two  chairs 
in  the  Library,  returned  to  the  wearied 
House  and,  drawing  himself  up  to  his 
full  height  of  five  feet,  addressing  the 
Chair,  remarked,  "  Mr.  SPEAKER,  Sir,  I 
have  had  a  comfortable  sleep  and  have 
come  back  like  a  giant  refreshed." 

Other  times,  other  manners.  At 
present  epoch  not  for  Irish  Members 
to  play  the  part  of  obstruction.  Theirs 
rather  to  sit  and  watch  amateurs  at  the 
game,  refraining  from  speechmaking 
but  contributing  to  uproar  the  blast  of 
three-score  voices  brought  into  fine 
condition  at  recent  General  Election. 
It  was  after  one  such  outburst  that 
GBAIQ  interposed. 

"  If  it  is  of  any  assistance  to  you, 
Sir,"  he  said,  addressing  DEPUTY 
CHAIRMAN  OF  COMMITTEES,  "we  will,  if 
you  only  give  the  word,  put  the  whole 
of  the  Nationalist  Party  out  of  the 
House." 

Nothing  could  exceed  the  courtesy 
of  the  gallant  CAPTAIN'S  way  of  putting 


the  thing,  or  the  blandness  of  his 
manner.  Had  he  been  volunteering 
to  go  and  get  an  orange  for  the  tired 
DEPUTY  CHAIRMAN  he  would  have 
spoken  just  so.  Observe  also  the 
deference  to  constituted  authority. 
Possibly  nothing  would  please  the 
CAPTAIN  more  than  full  liberty  to  cross 
the  Gangway  and  engage  Mr.  McVEAGH 
and  Mr.  DEVLIN  in  a  bout  of  fisticuffs, 
"  one  down  the  other  come  on,"  as  we 
used  to  say  at  school.  But  he  was 
not  the  man  to  press  personal  predilec- 
tion unduly.  It  was  for  the  DEPUTY 
CHAIRMAN  to  decide.  "  If  it  is  of  any 
assistance  to  you,  Sir." 

WHITLEY  in  Chair  at  the  moment,  not 
recalling  any  precedent  for  proposed 
procedure.made  no  sign  of  acquiescence. 
After  brief  pause,  their  breath  almost 
literally  taken  away  by  audacity 
suggestion,  the  Eedmondites  broke  into 
a  howl  of  defiance  that  would  have 
shaken  the  rafters  had  there  chanced 
to  ba  any. 

There  the  matter  ended  for  the  time 
But  Party  below  Gangway  too  olc 
campaigners  to  be  taken  at  disadvant- 
age. No  one  knows  what  may  happen 
when  two  desperadoes  from  Ulster 
like  Captains  CRAIG  and  WILLIAM 


MOORE  (G  ft.  4i  in.  in  his  socks)  put 
iheir  heads  together.  Accordingly 
'rish  camp  put  in  condition  of  defence 
ready  to  resist  any  attempt  to  carry  it 
>y  storm. 

At  council  of  war  held  at  Head- 
quarters (Committee-room  No.  15)  it 
was  resolved  that  LONG  JOHN  O'CONNOR 
should  be  placed  in  forefront  of  ex- 
pected battle.  If  in  pursuance  of  the 
sporting  offer  of  Friday  morning  CRAIG 
and  MOORE  swoop  down  with  intent  to 
'  put  the  whole  of  the  Nationalist 
Party  out  of  the  House,"  they  will 
save  to  begin  with  LONG  JOHN.  His 
exit  will  necessarily  be  slow,  and  during 
process  of  effecting  it  opportunity  will 
oe  afforded  to  consider  second  move  in 
defensive  tactics. 

Probably  Mr.  SLAVIN  will  next  be 
the  Ulsterman's  burden.  Experience 
nothing  new  to  him.  Years  ago,  in 
time  of  Mr.  GULLY'S  Speakership,  he 
was  carried  out  on  the  shoulders  of 
eight  policemen,  trolling  forth  as  he 
went  the  plaintive  melody,  "  God  save 
Ireland."  Has  never  been  quite  the 
same  man  since.  Provoking  air  of 
respectability,  apparently  resultant 
upon  this  close  contact  with  constituted 
authority,  has  taken  the  place  of  earlier 
exuberance.  Possibly  fresh  experience 
on  altered  lines  may  have  effect  of 
shaking  him  up  into  semblance  of  his 
former  self. 

Business  done. — FIRST  LORD  OP  AD- 
MIEALTY  moves  Navy  Estimate.  Five 
new  Dreadtwughts  to  be  added  to  Fleet 
next  year.  Opposition  still  harps  on 
desirability  of  eight. 

"CAREERS." 

"  LATENT  GENIUS  "  writes :  "  Dear 
Mr.  Punch,  I  am  glad  to  sea  your 
article  on  the  new  publication  that  is 
coming  out  in  parts  under  the  above 
title. 

It  seems  as  if  its  authors  have  pierced 
the  veil  that  hides  the  secrets  of  my 
innermost  soul. 

Are  you,'  they  ask,  '  wasting  your 
time  earning  a  mere  pittance  ' — 

I  am. 

'  When,"  they  continue,  with  sur- 
prising intuition,  '  you  possess  the 
energy  and  brain  which,  properly 
applied,  would  lead  you  to  fortune  ? ' 

That  is  so. 

I  feel  hurt  that  it  should  be  lefj  to 
strangers  to  discover  a  fact  to  which 
my  friends  and  relatives  have  been 
blind  so  long,  but  the  knowledge  that 
someone  believes  in  me,  that  is  to  say, 
confirms  my  own  opinion  of  my  abili- 
ties, is  undoubtedly  encouraging. 

The  point  is — what  shall  I  be  ? 

I  look  over  the  Index  to  Part  L, 

It  is  difficult  to  choose." 


MAHCH  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


213 


I  begin  by  crossing  off  tbe  careers 
that  1  can  possibly  do  without,  and 
am  just  about  to  decide  whether  1  will 
be  an  Actor  or  an  Actress,  an  Aeronaut 
or  sin  Art  needlework*  r,  when  a  sad  and 
bitter  thought  distracts  me. 

How  many  born  Almoners,  Actuaries 
and  Antique  furniture dealen  may  there 
be  who,  through  lack  of  the  necessary 
sevenpence,  will  eke  out  their  lives 
earning  a  mere  pittance  and  wasting 
"  the  energy  and  brain  which,  properly 
applied,  would  lead  them  to  fortune?  " 

It  is  in  the  midst  of  this  sorrowful 
reflection  that  my  own  tragedy  becomes 
apparent  to  me. 

On  bringing  to  the  surface  my  latent 
ambition  (as  requested  by  the  promoters 
of  this  noble  scheme)  I  find  that  I 
crave  for  fame  and  fortune  only  as  a 
Xylographer,  a  Yachtsman  or  a  Zoolo- 
gist. In  any  other  profession  I  should 
l)e  wasting  my  time ;  my  heart  would 
not  be  in  my  work.  But  find  me  a 
position  in  any  of  the  above  capacities 
— tell  me  '  How  to  start,'  '  What  I 
shall  earn,'  and  '  My  prospects  of 
great  success,'  and  I  am  willing,  nay, 
anxious,  to  put  my  whole  soul  into  the 
work  to-morrow. 

But 

A  cruel  fate  has  decreed  that  for  a 
whole  year  I  must  curb  my  impatience, 
for  a  whole  year  I  must  wait,  for  a 
whole  year  I  must  watch  our  future 
Admiralty  Officials,  Bush  -  rangers, 
Curates,  etc.,  being  put  upon  the  path 
to  fortune  before  my  need  can  be 
considered. 

There  is,  however,  one  consolation 
that  remains  to  me.  With  '  750  well- 
paid  professions '  welcoming  the  career- 
seekers  with  open  arms  I  am  inclined 
to  hope  that  by  the  time  we  reach 
'  X  '  L  shall  meet  with  little  or  no  com- 
petition." 

»  *  *  * 

The  publication  of  Careers  renders 
it  unnecessary  for  us  to  answer 
correspondence  from  persons  anxious 
to  change  their  profession.  "  NAVVY  " 
who  wishes  to  be  a  Ben-taster;  "UNDER- 
TAKER'S MUTE"  who  has  a  secret 
ambition  to  become  a  Feuilletonist; 
"AUTOMATIC-MACHINE  COLLECTOR  "who 
has  designs  upon  the  Chancellorship 
of  the  Exchequer;  and  "  BILL-POSTER  " 
who  wants  to  go  into  Actor- Manage- 
ment, are  all  referred  to  the  new 
•work  in  question.  Its  publishers,  we 
understand,  have  received  some  very 
flattering  testimonials  :  Thus  Mr. 
JOHN  D.  EOCKEFELLEK  writes  :  "  Your 
treatment  of  '  How  to  become  a  Multi- 
Millionaire,"  is  truly  remarkable.  Jt 
took  mo  forty  years  to  achieve  what 
you  explain  in  ten  lines." 

"A  GAIETY  GIRL"  writes:  "I  have 
read  Part  1.  as  far  as  '  Actress,'  and  am 


Sculptor  (to  Committee  inspectiny  statue  of  Eminent  Fellow-townsman).  "  Yo0  OBSKUVE, 
GENTLEMEN,  I  HAVE  SUCCEEDED  IN  CARRYING  our  YOUB  IDEA  o»  SUGGESTING  THAT  SIR 
JAMES  WAS  CHAIRMAN  OF  THE  GAS  COMPANY,  THAT  HE  PRESENTED  A  FREE  LIBRARY,  WAS 
INTERESTED  IN  IMPROVING  THE  BREED  O»  CATTLE,  ENDOWED  AN  ORPHANAGE,  AND  WAS  AN 
ARDENT  AMATEUR  PHOTOGRAPHER." 


dying  to  get  into  the  N's — '  Nobility,' 
I  mean." 

"  My  Friend  LANSBUBT,"  writes : 
"  The  only  fault  I  have  to  find  with 
Careers  is  that  it  offers  too  wide  a  field 
of  activity  for  the  worker.  I  believe 
in  one  man  one  job,  except  where  two 
can  do  it  easier.  But  why  have  you 
omitted  from  Part  I.  the  profession  of 
Agitator  ?  " 

"  WEARY  WILLIE  "  says :  "  The  num- 
ber of  ways  you  give  for  earning  a  living 
fairly  makes  my  head  reel." 

"  A  CURATE  "  says :  "  Most  excellent 
in  Parts." 


Commercial    Candour. 
"A   Rarely  Comfortable   Modern   Detached 
Residence." — Advt.  in  "Irish  Timet." 


"The  Earl  of  Halsbury,  who  is  eighty-four 
yra.'B  of  age,  always  believed  that  fire  was  his 
lucky  number.     Curiously  enough,  he  was  bora 
in  1825." — Btrminyham  Pictorial. 
Very  odd  indeed,  unless  his  handicap  is  2. 

The  Eoyal  Mint  attains  its  centenary 
this  year,  and  a  proposal  is  on  foot  for 
celebrating  the  event  by  holding  "  The 
First  Clearance  Sale  for  One  Hundred 
Years."  This  would  undoubtedly  Le 
a  most  popular  function. 


214 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


DISILLUSIONED. 

THE  card  was  just  an  ordinary  card, 

The  letter  just  an  ordinary  letter. 

The  letter  simply  said,  "  Dear  Mr.  Brown, 

I  'm  asked  by  Mrs.  Phipp  to  send  you  this; " 

Tho  card  said,  "  Mrs.  Philby  Phipp  At  Home," 

And  in  a  corner,  "Dancing,  10  P.M.," 

No  more— except  a  date,  a  hint  in  French 

That  a  reply  would  not  be  deemed  offensive, 

And,  most  important,  Mrs.  Phipp's  address. 

Destiny,  as  the  poets  have  observed 

(Or  will  do  shortly)  is  a  mighty  thing. 

It  takes  us  by  the  ear  and  lugs  us  firmly 

Down  different  paths  towards  one  common  goal, 

Paths  pre-appointed,  not  of  our  own  choosing  ; 

Or  sometimes  throws  two  travellers  together, 

Marches  them  side  by  side  for  half  a  mile, 

Then  snatches  them  apart  and  hauls  them  onward. 

Thus  happened  it  that  Mrs.  Phipp  and  I 

Had  never  met  to  any  great  extent, 

Had  never  met,  as  far  as  I  remembered, 

At  all  ....  And  yet  there  must  have  been  a  time 

"When  she  and  I  were  very  near  together, 

When  someone  told  her,  "  That  is  Mr.  Brown," 

Or  introduced  us  "  This  is  Mr.  Brown," 

Or  asked  her  if  she'd  heard  of  Mr.  Brown  ; 

I  know  not  what,  I  only  know  that  now 

She  stood  At  Home  in  need  of  Mr.  Brown, 

And  I  had  pledged  myself  to  her  assistance. 

Behold  me  on  the  night,  the  latest  word 

In  all  that  separates  the  gentleman 

And  waiters  from  the  evening-dress-less  mob, 

And  graced,  moreover,  by  the  latest  word 

In  waistcoats  such  as  mark  one  from  the  waiters. 

My  shirt,  I  must  not  speak  about  my  shirt; 

My  tie,  I  cannot  dwell  upon  my  tie — 

Enough  that  all  was  neat,  harmonious, 

And  suitable  to  Mrs.  Philby  Phipp. 

Behold  me,  then,  complete.     A  hasty  search 

To  find  the  card,  and  reassure  myself 

That  this  is  certainly  the  day — (It  is) — 

And  10  P.M.  the  hour;  "  P.M.,"  not  "A.M.," 

Not  after  breakfast — good  ;  and  then  outside 

To  jump  into  a  cab  and  take  the  winds, 

The  cold  east  winds  of  March,  with  beauty.     So. 

Let  us  get  on  more  quickly.     Looms  ahead 
Tragedy.     Let  us  on  and  have  it  over. 

I  hung  with  men  and  women  on  the  stairs 

And  watched  the  tall  white  footman  take  the  names, 

And  heard  him  shout  them  out,  and  there  I  shaped 

My  own  name  ready  for  him,  "  Mr.  Brown," 

And  Mrs.  Philby  Phipp,  hearing  the  name, 

Would,  I  imagined,  brighten  suddenly 

And  smile  and  say,  "How  are  you,  Mr.  Brown?" 

And  in  an  instant  I  "d  remember  her, 

And  where  we  met,  and  who  was  Mr.  Phipp, 

And  all  the  jolly  time  at  Grindelwald 

(If  that  was  where  it  was) ;  and  she  and  I 

Would  talk  of  Art  and  Politics  and  things 

As  we  had  talked  these  many  years  ago.  .  .  . 

So  "  Mr.  Brown  "  I  murmured  to  the  footman, 

And  he — the  fool! — he  took  a  mighty  breath 

And  shouted,  "  Mr.  BROWNIE !  "    -  Brownie !  Yes, 

He  shouted  "  Mr.  BROWNIE  "  to  the  roof. 

And  Mrs.  Philby  Phipp,  hearing  the  name, 

Brightened  up  suddenly  and  smiled  and  said, 


"  How  are  you,  Mr.  Brownie?" — (Brownie  1  Lord  I) 
And,  while  my  mouth  was  open  to  protest, 
"How  do  you  do?"  to  some  one  at  the  back. 
So  I  was  passed  along  into  the  crowd 
As  Brownie ! 

Who  on  earth  is  Mr.  Brownie? 
Did  ho,  I  wonder,  he  and  }Irs.  Phipp 
Talk  Art  and  Politics  at  Grindelwald, 
Or  did  one  simply  point  him  out  to  her 
With  "  That  is  Mr.  Brownie  "  ?     Were  they  friends, 
Dear  friends  or  casual  acquaintances? 
She  brightened  at  his  name,  some  memory 
Came  back  to  her  that  brought  a  happy  smile — 
Why  surely  they  were  friends !     But  I  am  Brown, 
A  stranger,  all  unknown  to  Mrs.  Phipp, 
As  she  to  me,  a  common  interloper — 
I  see  it  now — an  uninvited  guest, 
Whose  card  was  clearly  meant  for  Mr.  Brownie. 

Soft  music  fell,  and  the  kaleidoscope 
Of  lovely  woman  glided,  swayed  and  turned 
Beneath  the  shaded  lights  ;  but  Mr.  Brownie 
(N&  Brown,  not  Brownie)  stood  upon  one  side 
And  brooded  silently.     Some  spoke  to  him ; 
Whether  to  Brown  or  Brownie  mattered  not, 
He  did  not  answer,  did  not  notice  them, 
Just  stood  and  brooded  ....  Then  went  home  to  bed. 

A.  A.M. 


TRAPPED. 

SCENE — The  Drawing  Room ;  Time,  3.15p.m.  He  is  writing 
at  a  small  table  with  his  back  to  Her.  She  is  sitting 
in  an  arm-chair  working  at  a  piece  of  embroidery. 

He.  What  awful  pens.  This  is  the  third  I  've  tried  and 
it 's  the  scratchiest  of  the  lot. 

She.  They  suit  me  well  enough. 

He.  But  they  don't  suit  me. 

She.  They  're  not  meant  to  :  they  're  my  pens ;  and  that 's 
my  table,  too. 

He.  Yes,  and  it 's  the  waggliest  little  humbug  of  a 
writing-table  I  ever  sat  at. 

She.  Don't  you  dare  to  say  another  word  against  my  pet 
table.  It  wasn't  meant  for  your  great  sprawly  handwriting. 
Besides,  any  self-respecting  writing-table  would  object  to  a 
man  who  wears  hob-nailed  boots  on  his  feet. 

He.  You  don't  want  me  to  wear  them  on  my  hands, 
do  you  ? 

She.  Charles,  this  is  getting  serious.  You  must  check 
this  fatal  tendency  to  be  humorous.  It  '11  wreck 

He.  Do,  for  Heaven's  sake,  give  me  one  minute  ol 
complete  silence.  How  do  you  expect  me  to  finish  this 
letter  if  you  keep  on  talking  all  the  time  ? 

She.  Bless  you,  I  don't  mind  whether  you  finish  it  or 
not.  Anyhow,  I  'm  going.  I  've  got  to  see  Lady  Lampeter 
at  half-past  three,  and  it  'a  nearly  that  already. 

[She  gets  up  and  begins  to  put  her  work  together. 

He.  Does  Parkins  know  you  're  going  out  ? 

She.  Ye — es — at  least  I  told  Polly  to  tell  him.  But  then 
this  is  Parkins's  sacred  time.  He  always  locks  himself  up 
in  the  pantry  for  an  hour  every  afternoon  and  goes  to  sleep, 
and  there's  dreadful  trouble  if  he's  disturbed. 

He.  Well,  I  hope  he  won't  let  anybody  in  on  me.  I  '11 
have  a  word  or  two  with  him  if  he  does. 

She.  You  've  only  got  to  go  into  your  library  and  you'll 
be  quite  safe. 

He.  I'm  going  to  finish  this  letter  here,  whatever  hap 
pens.     Besides,  he'd   track  me  into  the  library  just   the 
same. 


MARCH  22,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


215 


AFTER   THE    HUNT    BREAKFAST. 

Sorting  Farmer.  "  BLESS  ns,  DAN,  A  TUOUOHT  A  KNAWED  THIS  COUNTRY  PRETTY  WELL,  BUT  A  NEVER  KSAWED  AS  HOW  THEEI 

WAS  SO   MANY   DOUBLES   IN   IT  ;     WE   BIN    A-JUMPIN'    NOTHIN1    ELSE  ALL   MORNIS'  !" 


She.     Well,  I  'm  off.     Be  good  and  write  prettily. 

[Exit  She.     He  heaves  a  sigh  of  relief  and  continues 

writing. 
He  (to  himself,  sticking  a  stamp  on  his  envelope).     There, 

that 's  done ;  aud  now  I  '11  nip  out  before 

Parkins  (throwing  open  the  door).    Mrs.  Boxer  and  Miss 
Hepplethwag ! 

[He  glares  balefully  at  Parkins  and  then  with  a  swift 
change  composes  his  face  into  a  cheerful  welcome  as 
two  ladies  of  mature  age  and  of  an  aspect  both 
genial  and  severe  are  ushered  into  the  room. 
He.  How  do  you  lo,  Mrs.  Boxer?     How  do  you  do,  J»liss 
Hepplewing  ? 

Mrs.  Boxer.  TLepplethwaite.  My  sister,  Miss  He pplethwaite. 
He.  Ah  yes,  of  course.     How  do  you  do,  Miss  Hepple- 
thwaite?     I'm  so  sorry,  but  my  wife  has  only  this  moment 
gone  out. 

Mm.  B.  We're  very  sorry,  I'm  sure. 
He.  She  can't  have  got  to  the  bottom  of  the  garden  yet. 
Perhaps  if  I  were  to  run  after  her  I  could  catch  her. 

[He  makes  for  the  door  as  though  to  carry  out  his 

intention  of  running  after  Her. 

Mrs.  B.  Pray,  pray,  Mr.  Bromley,  do  not  give  yourself 
the  trouble.     We  couldn't  dream  of  it. 
//c.  I  could  do  it  easily,  you  know. 
Mrs.  B.  Oh,  dear,  no.     We  shall  no  doubt  have  further 
opportunities  of  seeing  Mrs.  Bromley. 

He.  Of  course,  of  course.     Won't  you  sit  down  ? 
Mrs.  B.  and  Miss  H.  Oh,  thank  you.  [They  sit. 

He.  I  'm  sure  it 's  very  good  of  you  to  call. 
Mrs.   B.  These  little   return  courtesies  are,   of   course, 
essential. 

He.  Oh,  yes,  of  course. 


Mrs.  B.  Especially  on  the  part  of  new-comers  like 
ourselves. 

He.  Yes,  of  course,  I  'm  sure  I  'm — that  is — ho\v  does 
Lowmead  strike  you  ?  It 's  a  small  place,  isn't  it  ? 

Mrs.  B.  That  is  exactly  what  I  was  saying  to  Matilda 
as  we  came  along.  Lowmead,  I  said,  is  a  small  place, 
much  smaller  than  Mantleborough,  where  we  have  hitherto 
resided,  and  it  is  necessary  to  be  careful — did  I  not,  Matilda  ? 

Miss  H.  Yes,  we  both  thought  it  a  small  place. 

He.  Yes,  I  'm  afraid  there 's  no  doubt  about  it.  It  is  a 
small  place.  [A  pause.] 

Mrs.  B.   l>o  you  know  Mantleborough,  Mr.  Bromley? 

He.  I  'm  sorry  to  say  I  don't.     Charming  place,  isn't  it  ? 

Mrs.  B.  To  some  it  n.ay  be ;  but  we  had  to  leave  it  on 
account  of  the  new  Vicar. 

He.  Eeally ?     I'm  awfully  sorry.     Bad  lot,  vas  ha ? 

Mrs.  B.  No,  noo  that,  Mr.  Bromley,  I  am  thankful  to 
say,  but  High,  dreadfully  High. 

He.  Ah,  they  will  be  like  that  sometimes.  But  yon  're 
safe  in  Lowmead.  Our  man  's  as  sound  as  they  make  'em 
in  that  way. 

Mrs.  B.  That  is  what  really  attracted  us  to  Lowmead. 
[A  pause.] 

He.  Won't  you  have  some  tea? 

Mrs.  B.  Thank  you,  Mr.  Bromley 
yourself  the  trouble. 

He.  No  trouble,  I  'm  sure. 

[A  pause.] 

Parkins  (opening  the  door).  Did  you  ring,  Sir? 

He  (glaring).  Yes.  Tea  for  three  ;  and  look  sharp.  (To 
Mrs.  B.)  Yes,  as  you  say,  Lowmead  is  a  small  place,  but 
the  Vicar 's  Low  Church,  and  that  makes  up  for  a  lot. 

Mrs.  B.  Indeed  it  does.  [Left  conversing. 


but  pray  do  not  give 
[He  rings. 


216 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  22,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerics.) 

MB.  SMALLEY  has  brought  the  business  of  London 
Letter-writing  nearer  to  the  sacred  skirts  of  Literature 
than  any  practitioner  I  know.  A  keen  observer,  with  a 
perhaps" uniquely  wide  range  of  acquaintance  with  men 
\vlio  make  history,  his  stylo  has  a  recurrent  mordancy 
probably  more  agreeable  to  the  reader  than  to  the  subjoc.t 
of  his  commentary.  In  Amjlo-Amcncan  Memories  (DrcK- 
WOHTH)  ho  has  "culled  from  his  weekly  contributions 
to  a  New  York  newspaper  the  llower  of  his  writing  con- 
tinued throughout  more  than  half  a  century. 

English  readers  may  possibly  be  most  interested  in  his 
crystallised  talk  about  persons  on  this  side  of  the 
Atlantic.  They  include  Sir  GEORGE  TREVELYAN,  Lord 
MINTO,  Lord  GREY,  Lord  KITCHENER,  Sir  GEORGE 
LEWIS,  Lord  RANDOLPH  CHURCHILL,  Lord  GLENESK  and 
Lord  ST.  HELIER.  Nor,  greatly  daring,  does  he  shrink 
from  dealing  with  the  personality  of  some  ladies,  stars  in 
the  firmament  of  London  Society.  I  confess  I  find  deeper 

|  and  more  abiding  in-. 

!  terest  in  the  first  half 
of  the  volume,  in 
which  from  personal 
knowledge  he  traces 
the  growth  of  th* 
American  Civil  War 
and  vividly  describes 
his  experience  in 
the  field  as  Special 
Correspondent.  In 
power  and  pictur- 
esqueness  these 
passages  recall  the 
writing  of  ARCHIBALD 
FORBES.  The  chapter 
recording  the  fatal  I 
indecision  of  Mc-| 
CLKLLAN  and  the  im- 1 
petuosity  of  Fighting 
JOB  HOOKER  throws 
a  flood  of  light  on  a 
critical  epoch  of  the 
war,  revealing  to  the 
present  generation  hoiy  nearly  the  issue  of  the  struggle 
justiued  Mr.  GLADSTONE'S  memorable  indiscretion,  when  he 
hailed  J EPPERSON  LUvis  as  the  creator  of  a  nation. 

Mr.  SMALLEY'S  greatest  achievement  as  a  newspaper 
correspondent  was  his  interview  with  TISMARCK  in  1866, 
when  after  Koniggratz  Prussia  emerged  from  long  obscurity. 
Of  quite  other  nod,  scarcely  less  interesting,  are  the 
intimate  picture-portraits  of  EMERSON,  WENDEL  PHILLIPS 
and  CHAULI:S  SUMNER.  These  letters,  when  they  appeared  in 
a  Sunday  newspaper,  command  3d  wide  attention  and  wielded 
much  influence  on  public  afl'airs.  Proof  of  their  rare  quality 
is  found  in  the  fact  that  they  are  fresh  in  interest  to-day. 


|  time,  and  each  time  is  more  surprising  than  the  last,  the 
martyr  of  the  outrageous  idea  became  the  hero  of  the 
astounding  achievement,  till  people  came  to  wonder  what  he 
would  do  next  and  to  be  of  opinion  that  he  was  a  re- 
markable follow.  Dt-nry,  having  always  shared  the  general 
wonder,  is  not  long  in  fully  endorsing  the;  popular  opinion. 
His  real  name  was  Edward  Henry,  and,  from  that  name 
and  the  nickname  into  which  it  was  contracted,  you  may 
guess  what  an  offensive  creature  he  was  and  yet  how  there 
was  something  very  likeable  about  him.  He  tails  off  a 
little  towards  the  end  of  his  career,  but  there  he  is  only 
human  ;  for  to  succeed  is  one  thing,  but  to  go  on  being 
successful  is  another  and  much  less  amusing.  If  you 
have  a  right  appreciation  of  the  author,  you  will  prefer  to 
make  for  yourself  the  acquaintance  of  his  Denry.  Be  duly 
grateful  to  me,  therefore,  for  telling  you  that  the  book  in 
which  this  may  ho  done  is  The  Cunt  (Mi:  i  IHK.N). 


TRADE  SECRETS. 

"NOW   THEN,    HOOK    IT;     HERE    COMES  A  CUSTOMER.'* 


The  succcs  fou  of  sheer  impudence  is  no  new  theme,  but 
it  has  remained  for  Mr.  ARNOLD  BENNETT  to  appreciate  the 
exact  feelings  of  the  pusher  and  to  trace  the  true  origin  of 
his  push.  Denry  was  not  naturally  impudent  (he  was  far 
too  shrewd  and  calculating  for  that),  but  he  was,  in 
business  and  love  alike,  subject  to  fits  of  impulse  which  led 
him  willy-nilly  into  acts  of  extreme  cheekiness.  Inasmuch 
as  these  impulses  always  conduced  to  the  most  profitable 
ends,  he  felt  bound  to  obey  them  all,  cursing  himself  the 
while  for  the  most  unhappily  obsessed  of  fools.  Time  after 


One  may  well  overlook  a  certain  Ligbt-h«Mtad  looseness 
of  design  in  John  Winlerbouniex  Family  (CONSTAHLK)  for 
joy  of  the  fresh  originality  of  cliaracto  -Ration  which  gives  to 

ALICE  BROWN'S  latest 
1  novel  a  distinct!  ;n 
above  that  of  all  her 
previous  work ;  and 
this  is  about  as  high 
pr.iiso  as  1  can  think 
of.  In  Country  Neigh- 
bors, her  recent  col- 
loation  of  short  stories 
(also  publish  3d  by 
CONSTAHLE),  it  was 
matter  for  marvel  with 
how  sure  ami  swift  a 
touch  of  humanity  she 
made  one  know  and 
love  her  simple  folk 
almost  at  sight.  It  is 
I  not  ro  here;  forneuly 
I  all  the  characters  in 
i  her  new  novel  seem 
not  only  to  ba  outside 
one's  experience,  but 
to  demand  some 
pains  for  their  right 
appreciation.  One  of  them — Celia — remained  for  me  a 
mystery  to  the  end;  but  most  of  the  o.hers,  even  if  pome 
of  them  -lov'.d  never  have  existed  in  fact,  are  a  triumph 
of  pure  creative  force.  Her  sense  of  unspoiled  beauty  in 
the  virgin  type  that  comes  nearest  to  the  heart  of  savage 
Nature  recalls  the  art  of  Mr.  THOMAS  HARDY;  and  her 
way  with  children  Mr.  BAHHIE  himself  could  not  better. 
But  there  are  chapters  in  this  book  of  hers  that  neither 
of  these  masters,  nor  both  of  them  together,  could  have 
achieved.  Winterbourne's  personality,  in  its  relation  to 
little  children,  to  Mother  Earth,  to  THEOCRITUS,  to  the 
adopted  girl  who  dumbly  adored  him,  and  to  the  wife  whose 
intrusions,  sentimental  or  worldly,  roused  him  alternately  to 
Olympian  laughter  and  Olympian  wrath,  would  arrest  the 
imagination  in  any  company  of  the  memorable  chara:- 
of  fiction.  I  don't  know  what  proportion  of  due  honour 
is  enjoyed  by  ALICE  BROWN  as  a  prophet  in  her  own 
country,  but  I  know  I  sincerely  envy  America  tho 
possession  of  her  genius. 


-r* 


"  It  is  understood  that  Mr.  Justice  Grilliii  intends  taking  the  summer 
out  of  India." — I'ionecr. 

Let 's  hope  he  '11  bring  it  to  England. 


MVUCH  -2'.),  1'Jll.j 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

FOLLOWING  upon  the  succe>-,  of  hi.-. 
venture  with  Sir  JAN  HAMII,T,>\\ 
brochure,  it  is  rumoured  that  Mr. 
1 1  M, DANK  intends  to  have  an  organ  of 
In  .  own  for  circulating  his  views.  So 
|o. ili  out  for  Tlif  \\'tiniiiiii*l<'r  Qatettt. 

It,  is  officially  denied  that  Mr. 
KIKKKI.I,  is  to  be  made  a  Judge. 
Them  was,  however,  nothing  improb- 
able in  the  rumour,  for,  in  spite  of  his 
reoenl  disclaimer,  Mr.  HIRRKU,  makes 
excellent  jokes. 

Mr.  BIHKELL  has  also  denied  that  he 
is  to  ho  made  a  Peer.  It  is  evidently 
very  diilicult  to  know  what  to  make  of 
Mr.  JiiidtELL. 

With  reference  to  Sir 
ALMROTH -WRIGHT'S  opinion 
that,  from  an  hygienic  point 
of  view,  washing  is  an  evil, 
it  is  interesting  to  note  tha'; 
children  have  always  shown 
a  wonderful  instinct  in  this 
respect. 

And  there  is  plenty  of  evi- 
dence to  show  that  Turkish 
Baths,  which  Sir  ALMROTH 
attacked,  are  undoubtedly 
dangerous.  For  example, 
the  deposed  Sultan  ABDUL 
11  AMID  was  in  the  habit  of 
prescribing  baths  in  the 
Bosphorus  for  certain  of  his 
acquaintances,  and  we  are 
told  that  in  every  case  this 
treatment  had  a  fatal  result. 

The  welcome   announce- 
ment   is    made    that    Mr. 
ST  \NIFOUTH  SMITH,  the  ex- 
,  has  not,  as  was  le- 
ported,  been  eaten  by  cannibals.     He 
•ached  Thursday  Island  in  safety, 
and  not  so  much  as  a  single  bite  has 
been  taken  out  of  him. 

The  Oxford  crew,  while  practising, 
had  an  exciting  experience  one  day  at 
Putney.  The  river  was  so  rough  that 
their  boat  filled  with  water  and  almost 
sank.*  This  draws  attention  to  the 
scandal  that  there  is  no  lifeboat  station 


against,  b  'in^'  "  snap-sho'  ted,"  wo  came         THE 

>-,s  the  following  heading  over  a 
I.  •l.-'ram  fr->:n  Italy  in  Tin-  linilif 
Mail: 

'•SlIY    .IriJOK.-s    AND    TIIK    C.VMOIiRA." 


FKMN'K     INKUKN/A. 


(•r    number  of  cats  in    the   -South  of 
an-     Mill'iin^'      from     an     cpidi  111:1- 
which  ha.s  IH-I-II  dia^nosi  d  as  a   kind  of 

Influenza.  .   .     Itdoflmotteeni  tobeooounonl/ 

n-.ili/.-il  that    tln-c.il  JH  an  e\i-ecdinj;Iv  delicate 

Professor  \inrn  K  Ki:ini,in  a  lecture    ""imal    .  .     It  dm.,^  and  die,  with"  hardly  a 
at  the  Hoyal  Institution,  declared  that    juggle.  -TO*  Tit 

a  giant  is'a  diseas-o^l  product,  and   we    '  HOMAS  is  looking  rather  queer  to-day, 
-n-7.    um-i-v    tn    Imar   Mini,    Rfivcrnl    small  Do  YOU  observe  ? — 


sorry  to  hear  that  several  small 
boys  are  now  in  hospital  owing  to  their 
having  drawn  the  attention  of  giants 
to  this  fact. 

Tin  Professor,  in  discussing  the 
problem  of  growth,  went  on  to  state 
that  it  was  not  impossible  that  the 
tiui"  might  come  when  a  doctor  would 
D3  able  to  make  a  nose  grow  to  any 


liKKT  SMAKT'S  Mi>ic 

ilo/AI-.l'   ST.,    Cl.KIIKKNNVKU,. 

ACKNT    KOI!    THE    PlAXOIO. 

To  the  I'IAXOTO  Co.,  W. 

DEAR  SIRS, — lie  your  Pianoto  .show-cards,  while  no  doubt  they  are  fery 
suitable  for  your  Wait-end  trade,   I  fear  thc-y  are  hardly  cheerful  enough 


for  Clerkeinvell. 


I  ventn:c  to  suggest  a  few  alterations,  and  remain 
Yours  faithfully, 

SMAKT. 


•r    to 
hend. 


London    than   the   one   at 


A  hatred  of  innovations  is,  we  fear, 
oharacteristic  of  our  nation.  A  thrush 
which  possessed  neither  legs  nor  thighs 


you 

He  's  lost  his  verve, 
He's  off  his  feed, 
He  does  not  deign  to  plead 
For  milk  or  fish-bones  in  his  usual  way. 
What  do    you   think 's    the    matter  ? 
Can  it  be, 

As  'twould  appear, 
That  Thomas  here, 
Our  faithful  cat 

(No,  no !  don't  say  it 's 

that!), 

Has   got    the    flue  ?      Our 
Thomas  !    Even  he  ? 

The  Joneses'  cat,  you  know, 

who  was  of  yore 
In  splendid  form, 
Taken  by  storm 
(But,  I  regret, 
Not  taken  to  the  vet.), 
Has    turned    his    toes  up. 

So  have  plenty  more. 
You  wouldn't  think  t  hat  cats 

who  gambol  through 
Life  after  life 
In  sin  and  strife 
Would  yet  succumb 
Without  a  kick  to  some 
Untimely     epidemic ;     hut 
they  do. 

Look  at  our  Thomas  there, 

the  hefty  beast ! 
Who  knbws  his  plight  ? 
To-morrow  night 
May  see  him  lie 
Drooping  and  fit  to  die. 
Sturdy  and  healthy?    Bless 

you,  not  the  least. 

And  that  is  why  I  look  at  him  and  say 
That  grief  and  dole 
Assail  my  soul. 
Life 's  but  a  flower, 
And  flue  is  full  of  power  .  .  . 
And  Thomas  does  look  jolly  rum  to-day. 


I,  i  press    informs    us,   been 
at  Aylsham,  Norfolk. 

:-;   :': 

l''\  a  curious  coincidence  a  day  after 
tho  jury  at  the  Old  JJailey  had  protested 


desired  shape.  A  Society  for  the  Pro- 
motion of  Nose  Culture  is  now  in 
procoss  of  formation. 

Exception  has  been  taken  at  the 
Alhambra  to  the  following  head-lines  in 
a  contemporary : — 

"  THE  MAD  PIERROT. 
PRETTY  NEW  BALLET  AT  THE 

ALHAMBHA." 

We  are  informed  that  it  is  not  correct 
to  call  the  ballet  pretty  new.  It  is 
absolutely  new. 

Mr.  DBAKE  and  Mr.  BHI-NSKII-L, 
Masters  of  the  Old  Berkeley  West  Hunt,  i 

have,   it  is   announced,   resigned   their       «Thr  re  suit  of  the  census  for  the  eity  for  the 
positions  owing  to  the  shortage  of  foxes.  '  Argentine  t ioveniment  has  tc  n  hiim-hed  at 
Frankly,  if  people  give  up  hunting  them,    B-rkenhead." 
the  foxes  have  only  themselves  to  blame.    I  f  we  hadn't  seen  this  by  a  lucky  chance 

*  i  :—    it--    r>~r. .T f~~.1   /i/»»/-i/  mvftiia   \vo  anrktlln 


"S.imc  120  rhildi-pu  were  in  altendum-c  at 
the  Hand  of  Hope  on  Thursday,  when  'The 
Pilgrim's  1'rogivss '  was  shown  by  the  aid  tf  the 
microscope." 

We  are  afraid  that   this  pilgrim   was 
only  making  very  slow  progress. 


Up-to-date   foxes,   it   seems, 
children. 


have   no   in  the  Bradford  Daily  Anjtts  we  should 
never  have  known. 


218 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


[MARCH  29,  1911. 


THE    DETACHMENT    OF    PRENDERBY. 

ON    ARBITRATION.  • 

"  WKLL,"  I  said,  "  I  hope  you  approve  of  the  TAFI--GHKY 
scheme  of  arbitration  ?  " 

••  My  dear  fellow,"  said  Prenderby,  "  of  course  1  approve 
of  it.  1  am  all  for  schemes  of  that  sort — the  Millennium, 
for  instance,  and  Utopia  and  Paradise.  But  I  permit  my- 
Felf  to  doubt  whether  a  family  arrangement  of  this  kind 
k'tweon  two  nations  who  have  already  practised  the  habit 
of  arbitration  for  the  settlement  of  their  trifling  differences 
is  going  to  be  allowed  to  serve  as  a  lofty  example  to  a 
world  not  yet  prepared  to  follow  lofty  examples.  I'm 
afraid  1  have  a  very  poor  opinion  of  national  morality. 
Governments  may  consist  of  very  honourable  Christian 
gentlemen,  but  do  they,  in  their  composite  capacity, 
ever  l>ehave  to  other  Governments  like  gentlemen,  not  to 
say  Christians  ?  One  does  not  expsct  them  to  love  their 
neighbours  better  than  themselves,  but  are  they  ever 
actuated  by  any  but  the  most  crudely  savage  instincts  ?  do 
they  ever  "  forbear  their  own  advantage,"  or  decline  to 
bit  a  rival  when  he's  down  or  looking  the  other  way, 
if  it  suits  their  convenience?  The  very  qualities  which  in 
an  individual  would  he  regarded  as  the  mark  of  an 
impossible  bounder,  are  in  a  Government  accounted  for 
virtue  ami  patriotism.  '  God  and  my  Right,'  as  we  say 
(cheerfully  implicating  the  Deity) ;  not  the  Eight,  if  you 
please,  but  my  Right." 

"  But  surely,"  said  I,  "  whether  they  follow  our  example 
or  not,  other  nations  must  regard  our  motives  in  this 
matter  as  purely  humane  ?  " 

"Dear  fellow,"  said  Prenderby,  "does  any  nation  ever 
regard  the  motives  of  another  nation  as  purely  humane  ? 
When  the  two  great  Teutonic  Powers  agreed  to  settle  their 
differences  in  a  lasting  alliance,  did  we  acclaim  their 
motives  as  purely  humane?  And  these  peoples,  in  their 
turn,  whatever  praise  they  may  publicly  bestow  on  our 
scheme,  will  tell  one  another  privately  that  our  motives 
to-day  are  a  matter  of  mere  expediency ;  that  England  is 
saying  to  America,  '  Look  here ;  you  and  I  speak  the 
same  language  or  something  like  it;  let  us  agree  to  put 
our  differences  to  arbitration  and  abide  by  the  results, 
however  obnoxious  to  either  party,  that  so  we  may  hold 
our  own  together  aijainst  the  rest  of  the  world  !  " 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  I  daresay  that 's  what  is  at  the  back  of 
some  of  our  beads.  But  neither  nation  is  ready  for  it  yet. 
Indeed,  it  seems  doubtful  whether  the  American  Senate 
is  ready  even  for  a  harmless  treaty  of  arbitration.  That 's 
the  worst  of  these  Second  Chambers  !  " 

"  Your  observation,"  said  Prenderby,  "  interests  me 
strangely,  for  it  starts  me  on  our  own  Second  Chamber,  a 
topic  germane  to  our  theme.  Here  is  EDWARD  GREY  pro- 
pounding, to  the  open  applause  of  the  civilised  world  with 
its  motto  Video  mcliora proboqne,  deter iora  sequor,  a  scheme 
which  he  hopes  may  lead  eventually  to  the  universal 
reduction  of  armaments.  But  what  is  his  attitude  in 
regard  to  a  domestic  matter  equally  clamorous  for  a  peace- 
ful adjustment  ?  He  belongs  to,  and  apparently  endorses 
the  policy  of,  a  Party  which  has  no  idea  of  submitting  the 
case  of  the  House  of  Lords  to  arbitration,  but  proposes  to 
destroy  it  by  the  sheer  brutal  force  of  superior  numbers." 

"  At  any  rate,"  said  I,  "  as  between  the  various  com- 
ponents of  that  Party  you  find  the  spirit  of  mutual 
concession.  You  find  Liberals,  Labour  Members  and  Irish 
Nationalists  compromising  their  own  differences  for  the 
common  good." 

"  But  for  whose  '  common  good  '  ?  "  said  Prenderby 
petulantly.  "For  the  common  good  of  the  State?  Not 
at  all.  They  combine  for  the  common  good  of  the  Party 


as  against  the  Party's  common  foe — the  very  motive  which 
Europe  will  attribute  to  us  in  our  scheme  for  an  Anglo- 
American  treaty  of  arbitration." 

"Well,"  I  said  smartly,  "don't  the  Tories  do  the  same 
thing  when  they  get  the  chance?  " 

"  No  doubt,"  replied  Prenderby  judiciously.  "  In  general 
I  have  no  greater  regard  for  one  side  than  for  the  other. 
Hut  in  the  case  of  the  House  of  Lords  even  you  will  admit 
that  the  Tories  have  in  this  Parliament  offered  to  assist  the 
Government  in  arriving  at  a  compromise  by  consent,  and 
that  their  overtures  have  boon  ignored. 

"My  point  is  this: — If  your  prophet  (whom  I  honestly 
respect)  claims  to  be  leading  a  crusade  not  merely  for  t  he 
particular  advantage  of  his  own  country,  or  even  that  of  the 
English-speaking  race  ;  if  he  asserts  a  higher  and  broader 
motive;  if  it  is  the  acceleration  of  Universal  Peace  that  lie 
is  after;  then  let  him  ask  himself  whether  England  might 
not  contrive  to  set  the  nations  an  example  witli  the  sort  of 
piety  that  begins  at  home.  We  talk  at  large  of  the  intoler- 
able burden  and  extravagance  of  bloated  armaments,  but 
never  seem  to  worry  ourselves  about  the  infamous  waste  of 
time  and  material  and  energy  that  is  the  curse  of  a  Parlia- 
mentary system  which  in  the  end  always  decides  things 
by  the  mere  weight  of  heavier  battalions.  There  is  not  a 
single  controversial  matter  in  our  horns  politics  that  could 
not  he  settled  by  twelve  good  men  and  true  endowed 
with  common  sense  and  impartiality.  We  are  willing 
to  leave  the  question  of  a  man's  life  or  death  in  the  hands 
of  a  common  jury,  but  the  destiny  of  a  nation  is  left  to  the 
mercy  of  a  voting-machine.  On  the  day  when  we  establish 
a  domestic  Hague  tribunal  at  our  doors  I  shall  begin  to 
have  some  hope  for  the  Dutch  one." 

"At  this  point,"  I  said,  "  I  will  break  it  to  you  that  my 
purpose  in  coming  to  see  you  to-day  was  to  procure  copy 
for  a  humorous  paper.  You  haven't  helped  me  much." 

"I  am  laughing  all  right,"  said  Prenderby,  "at  the 
pitifulness  and  poverty  of  national  ideals  ;  but  in  my 
sleeve,  for  decency's  sake.  But  you,  with  your  visions  of  a 
New  Earth,  a  land  flowing  with  milk  and  arbitration--! 
wonder  that  you  complain  of  my  dulness.  In  Utopia  there 
will  he  no  accommodation  for  humour.  ' 

"  That 's  all  right,"  said  I  cheerfully  ;  "  it  won't  be  in  my 
time."  O.  S. 

The  following  epigram  is  attributed  by  a  calendar  to 
LAo-TszE,  whose  works  we  must  certainly  read  again : — 

"Intelligence  is  formed  by  minute  observation  ;  and  strength  by  Hie 
conversation  of  the  germs  of  vital  energy." 

Conversation  between  Two  Germs  : — 

1st  Germ:  Well,  we've  managed  to  give  our  man  a 
cold  at  last.  He's  sneezing  like  anything. 

2nd  Germ  :  He 's  not  really  sneezing;  he's  only  saying 
LAo-TszE"  to  himself. 


From  a  Manchester  newspaper : — • 

"Anything  that  will  set  the  blood  intoactive  circulation  is  gopd  for  a 
cold.  Bathe  the  feet  in  hot  water  and  drink  hot  water,  or  hot 
lemonade,  0:1  goin?  to  bed  ;  take  a  salt  water  sponge  bath  and  remain 
in  a  warm  room.  Bathe  the  face  in  very  hot  water  every  live  minutes 
for  an  hour  or  so.  Snull'  hot  salt  water  up  the  nose  every  hour  or 
two.  Four  or  five  hours'  exercise  in  the  open  air  ii  often  effective. 
Four  or  five  grains  of  quinine  taken  at  night  will  usually  have  a 
good  effect.  A  vapour  bath,  followed  by  a  cold  sponge  bath,  is  good." 

The  great  thing  seems  to  be — Keep  it  moving. 


''Even  in  this  old  university  town  we  can  step  from  noble  colleges, 
which  are  graced  by  antique  ehaji.-ls,  quaint  cloisters,  perfect  lawns, 
and  stately  trees,  into  foul  sums  which  arc  the  incarnation  of  ugliness." 

Miincliestcr  Evening  Wen's. 

So  we  found  when  going  in  for  the  Mathematical  Tripos. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAHCT   29,  1911. 


CORONATION 


ARRESTED   DEVELOPMETsT. 


PARLIAMENT  BILL.  -THEY  PROMISED  ME  I  SHOULD  BE  A  BUTTERFLY  BY  THE  CORONA- 
TION, BUT  IF  I  'M  STILL  TO  BE  CRAWLING  ABOUT  LIKE  THIS  I  SHALL  WANT  TO  BOOK 
A  SEAT." 


MARCH  20,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


Extract  from  "ll-'at-End   H'hisp.rs''  :—'-A  PROI-OS  OF  THE  KKIGX  OF  THE  BK;  HAT,  THE  ECONOMICAL  LAI>V  NEEDMOUK  HAS  HIT  ox 

QUITE  AN  IDEA  FOR  REDUCING  HEH  MILLINERY  HILLS  AND  AT  THK  SAME  TIME  ATTRACTING  ATTENTION  TO  HER  PRETTY  TWINS,  VERA 
AND  VlVIEXNE,  WHO  APPEARED  THE  OTHER  DAY  AT  THE  PRIVATE  VlEW  OF  THE  IMPRESSIONIST.S-IN-INDIAN-INK.  SHARING  AN 
KNOP.MOUS  HAT  OF  TAGEL-STKAW  WITH  DROOPING  LONG-FRONI1EU  OSTRICH  PLUMES.  TllEY  MADE  AN  HHtSftSK  SENSATION,  AND  ARE 
KOW  BOTH  ENGAGED,  I  HEAR  !  " 


"SPOET"   (SO  TO   SPEAK). 

JUST  throe  short  years  ago — no  more  than  three — 
When  yet  our  faith  was  perfectly  intact, 

Upwards  we  soared  on  wings  of  prophecy, 
Beaming  like  Cheshire  kittens  in  the  act. 
That  flight  was  wasted,  Thomas ; 

The  Chicks  have  not  fulfilled  their  dazzling  promise. 

Wo  had  good  cause,  old  boy,  for  hopeful  pride—- 
The Chicks,  our  Chirpy  Chicks,  were  runnors-up ! 

And  rapturously  we  rose  and  prophesied 
That  in  a  year  or  two  they  'd  win  the  Cup. 
But  did  they  ?     Not  a  bit. 

Each  time  since  then  they  've  made  a  hash  of  it. 

We  've  never  failed  them,  Tom.     We  're  not  to  blame. 

We  've  done  our  duty ;  what  can  man  do  more  ? 
Wo  've  spared  no  sacrifice  to  see  each  game 

(Proving  that  we  are  sportsmen  to  the  core) ; 

We  've  yelled  like  crazy  fellows, 
And  cheered  until  we  nearly  burst  our  bellows. 

We  've  stuck  to  them  through  changes.     We  have  seen 
Old  favourites  sold,  whose  strengtli  we  ill  could  spare  ; 

We  've  hailed  new  men  from  Bristol,  Aberdeen, 

From  Wales,  from  Ireland,  from  the  Lord  knows  where ; 
We  've  even  helped,  my  son, 

To  purchase  them,  and  now  they  haven't  won! 


And  so  you  '11  chuck  the  Chicks  ;  you  've  lost  your  wool ; 

Henceforth  the  Bluebirds  have  your  whole  support. 
Thomas,  I  share  your  anger  to  the  full ; 

Don't  think  I  blame  you — nothing  of  the  sort ; 

But,  for  at  least  a  season, 
I  '11  hold  my  ground.     I  have  a  sporting  reason. 

It 's  Local  Sentiment.     The  Chirpy  Chicks' 
Headquarters  are  but  thirty  miles  away ; 

The  Bluebirds',  as  you  know,  are  fifty-six ; 
That  is  the  reason,  Thomas,  why  I  stay 
(If  there 's  another  loss, 

I  '11  throw  them  up  and  come  and  join  you,  Thos.). 


Commercial  Candour. 

From  an  advt. : — 

"While  the  seal  is  on  the  bottle,  the  collar  round  the  ne -k,  the 

cork  (with 's  brand)  inside  and  the  capsule  over  that,  you  are 

absolutely  safe. " 

Are  we  to  understand  that  it  is  when  the  bottle  is  opened 
that  the  danger  begins  ? 


"There  is  a  remarkable  familv  at  Rosedale,  in  which  for  a  period  of 
35  yeai's  there  has  not  been  a  death.  Five  of  the  sons  have  played 
various  instruments  in  the  Brat  ton  Brass  Band." — Halton  iftssenger. 

If  the  band  is  as  brotton  as  it  sounds  this  immunity  is 
indeed  surprising. 


222 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  29,  1911. 


A    HALF-TOLD   TALE. 

Di:\u  MIL  PUNCH, — Your  reputation 
f..r  sympathy  with  those  in  trouble  i 
growing  diiiiy.  It  extends  now  from 
Kim-hley  in  the  north  to  Have*  in  the 
south,  and  perhaps  further.  1  will  state 
my  trouble  and  then  we  shall  see  if  you 
ran  help  me. 

Do  you  know  Hayes  at  all  ?    It  is 
1  believe,  a  village  or  suburban  town 
in  Kent    or    Surrey.       I    have    never 
been  to  Hayes,  but  I  can  tell  a  good 
story    about    it.      It  is  not  the    sort 
of  good    story   with   which   you    cap 
the    other    man's   good    story     about 
WINSTON  CHURCHILL  ;  nor  is  it  just  an 
ordinary  joke   which   a  friend  might 
borrow  and  narrate  as  having  happened 
,    to  himself.    It  issimply  a  little  personal 
adventure     connecting     myself     with 
1  Hayes,  pleasant,  if  a  trifle  subtle  in  its 
'  I  humour ;  and  while  it  is  not  necessary 
;    to  know  Hayes  well  in  order  to  appre- 
1  j  ciate  it,  it  is,   I  think,  necessary  to 
know  me. 

I  was  calling  on  Mrs.  X.  last  Sunday. 
There  were  only  three  or  four  people 
in  the  drawing-room,  so  that  the  con- 
versation was  general.  My  modest 
share  in  it  had  been  temporarily  cut 
short  by  a  large  slice  of  cake,  .when 
suddenly  my  ears  caught  the  word 
"  Hayes."  It  happens  sometimes  that 
the  word  Hayes  is  spoken  in  my 
presence,  and  that,  before  1  have  time 
to  do  anything  about  it,  the  conversa- 
tion is  switched  on  to  some  other  topic. 
Such  certainly  might  have  been  the 
case  upon  this  occasion ;  but  by  great 
good  luck  quite  a  little  argument  arose 
about  Hayes.  One  said  it  was  near 
Croydon,  and  another  knew  it  was  in 
Buckinghamshire,  and  Mrs.  X.  smooth- 
ed matters  over  by  suggesting  that 
there  were  probably  two  or  three  towns 
of  that  name. 

I  wonder  if  you  can  realise,  Mr. 
Punch,  all  that  this  meant  to  me — for 
by  this  time  I  had  finished  my  piece  of 
cake.  My  story,  subtle,  delicate  gos- 
samer tiling  that  it  is,  depends  abso- 
lutely for  its  success  upon  the  conditions 
under  which  it  is  told.  It  cannot,  it 
simply  cannot  be  dragged  in.  There 
are  some  houses  to  which  one  may  go 
for  years  without'  ever  hearing  the 
place  Hayes  so  much  as  mentioned, 
and  to  attempt  to  tell  the  story  in 
houses  like  these  is  simply  to  ruin  it. 
So  now  to  hear  Hayes  not  only 
mentioned  but  dwelt  upon,  better  even 
than  that  (for  the  point  of  my  story 
depends  lu-gely  upon  the  exact  position 
in  the  map  of  Hayes),  actually  to  hear 
doubts  expressed  as  to  its  locality — 
this  was,  Mr.  Punch,  the  chance  of 
my  life. 

"  I  "ve  often  wondered  where  Hayes 


was,"  I  said  with  a  little  laugh, 
"because — well,  it  was  rather  funny  ;  " 
and  1  smiled  reminiscently  to  myself. 

They  all  looked  at  me  inquiringly. 
They  seemed  to  know  somehow  that  a 
good  story  was  coming.  I  took  a  sip 
of  tea  and  began. 

As  1  have  said,  it  is  simply  a  pleasant 
little  story  connecting  myself  with 
Hayes.  The  interest  in  Hayes  was  by 
this  time  at  fever-heat,  and  1  knew  the 
few  people  in  the  room  well  enough  to 
assume  at  any  rate  a  temporary  and 
polite  interest  in  myself.  But  this 
much  must  be  admitted.  Good  story 
though  it  is,  it  begins  badly.  The  first 
few  minutes  of  it  are  very  dull  indeed. 
The  first  few  minutes  descend  of 
necessity  to  depths  of  apparently  point- 
less autobiography  such  as  nobody 
should  permit  himself  to  dive  into 
l>efore  a  mixed  company — unless  for  vital 
reasons.  My  own  reasons,  of  course, 
were  that  the  finish  would  more  than 
reward  my  hearers'  patience;  but  also 
I  began  to  feel  this :  I  began  to  feel 
that  the  mere  fact  of  having  ready  an 
appropriate  story,  however  dull,  about 
such  an  unlikely  place  as  Hayes  was 
in  itself  a  justification.  It  was  the 
duty  of  my  audience  to  regard  me  as  a 
man  who  could  tell  a  story  of  some 
sort  about  any  town  on  the  map. 

Well,  Mr.  Punch,  I  had  cleared  the 
ground  of  the  necessary  introductory 
matter,  and  I  was  just  arriving  at  the 
point  where  I  get  the  anonymous 
letter  from  Finchley— in  other  words, 
my  story  was  on  the  verge  of  becoming 
interesting,  which  interest  would 
steadily  increase  henceforward  to  the 
denouement — when  an  interruption 
took  place.  The  door  opened  and 
about  half-a-dozen  fresh  people  were 
announced.  There  were  greetings, 
some  introductions,  and  a  little 
handing  of  refreshments.  We  were 
too  many  now  for  general  conversation, 
and  I  found  myself  paired  with  one  of 
the  newcomers  upon  a  very  comfort- 
able sofa.  We  talked,  I  think,  about 
theatres.  It  was  a  very  pleasant  talk 

.  .  .  but  I  was  not  happy.  I  left 
about  half-an-hour  later. 

You  see,  my  story  stopped  at  the 
wrong  moment.  I  don't  blame  any- 
body. I  could  hardly  have  been  asked 
o  go  on  with  it  in  front  of  half  a-dozen 
strangers  who  had  missed  the  opening  ; 
and  I  am  not  sure  that  I  should  have 
ared  to  have  begun  it  all  over  again. 
The  beginning  is  so  very  dull.  Besides 
it  is  too  autobiographical  to  tell  to  a 
complete  stranger ;  you  would  want  to 
lave  talked  to  her  for  ten  minutes  or 
so  first  about  general  matters.  But  I 
repeat  that  my  story  stopped  at  the 
wiong  moment.  There  is  a  little  lull 
before  the  anonymous  letter  from 


Finchley,  and  it  seemed  to  stop  there 
quite  naturally.  I  have  not  the  slightest 
doubt  that  my  audience  thought  that  it 
was  ir.eint  to  stop  there— that  what  1 
told  them  was  the  whole  story. 

Mr.  Punch,  we  all  have  moments  of 
black  doubt  when  even  the  things 
dearest  and  most  familiar  to  us  assume 
strange  shapes.  At  some  such  black 
moment  I  may  have  doubted  whether 
my  Hayes  story  was  quite  as  brilliant 
as  I  have  sometimes  thought  it.  But 
never  have  I  had  any  doubt  that  the 
first  half  of  the  story,  regarded  as  a 
complete  whole,  was  the  most  utterly 
futile  thing  ever  told  by  man.  That  is 
the  story  which  the  X.'s  think  I  sat 
down  deliberately  to  tell  them.  .  .  . 

When  I  began  this  letter  I  had  meant 
to  ask  you  to  help  me.  I  had  thought 
that  if  you  gave  us  a  cartoon  on  Hayes 
next  Wednesday  1  might  call  on  Mrs.  X. 
on  the  Thursday,  mention  Punch 
casually, and  so  get  by  way  of  the  cartoon 
up  to  my  own  connection  with  Hayes. 
But  I  see  now  that  I  shall  never  tell  the 
X.'s  the  Hayes  story  again.  I  might  be 
stopped  a  second  time  at  the  same  place. 
That  would  be  too  terrible.  They  may 
think  me  an  egoistic  bore  if  they  like  ; 
they  mustn't  think  me  an  obsessed 
lunatic.  Your  unhappy  friend, 

A.  A.  M. 


THE  SENSATIONAL  WINKLE 
CASE. 

[ "  At  a  me  ting  of  the  Kent  and  Essex  Fisheries 
Ooinmittcc  it  was  reported  that  the  Board  of 
Fisheries  had  been  appealed  to  on  the  subject  of 
the  protection  of  winkles  on  piivate  grounds,  a 
Kentish  bei  c'.i  of  magistrates  having  held  that 
winkles  were  wild  animals,  and  lor  that  reason 
hey  dismissed  a  charge  of  stealing.  The  Com- 
mittee was  advised  that  the  cultivation  of 
winkles  on  private  grounds  would  tame  them." 

Daily  P<tp.r.~\ 

IN  the  course  of  proceedings  before 
the  Board  of  Fisheries  evidence  was 
heard  on  behalf  of  the  Kentish  magis- 
trates, the  owner  of  the  grounds  from 
which  the  winkles  were  abducted,  and 
;he  colony  of  winkles  occupying  those 
grounds.  Counsel  for  the  magistrates 
maintained  that  such  abduction  did 
not  amount  to  stealing,  inasmuch  as 
winkles  were  wild  animals. 

A  member  of  the  Board  :  That  is  what 
you  have  to  prove. 

Counsel :  I  propose  to  do  so. 

In  an  impassioned  address  counsel 
declared  that  he  would  bring  evidence 
to  prove  that  winkles  were  a  most 
ferocious  species  of  mollusc,  a  social 
pest,  and  in  particular  a  positive 
menace  to  the  lives  of  little  children. 
For  years  it  had  been  their  brutal 
practice  to  lie  in  wait  for  passers-by 
on  solitary  parts  of  the  coast  at  low 
tide.  They  would  seize  upon  their 
victims  in  overwhelming  numbers  and 


MAI.CH  '.!!>,  1911-1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


2-23 


adhere-  to  tin-in  with  fierce  tenacity 
The  sight  of  a  bather's  bare  foot  \va- 
ulways  sullicient  to  rouse  thora  to  a  lust 
for  blood.  In  fa'jt,  he  maintained  Unit 
uo  human  being  was  safe  in  the 
uco  of  a  winkle  unless  armed 
with  a  sledge-hammer  or  a  pin. 

Evidence  having  been  taken  in  sup- 
port of  counsel's  statements,  Mr. 
Winkle  and  Mr.  Perry  Winkle,  who 
kid  !)OBII  much  affected  by  the  asper- 
sions cast  upon  their  tribe,  were  then 
examined. 

A  member  of  the  Board:  You  are 
a  representative  of  the  colony  in 
cm.-stion?— Mr.  Winkle:  lam. 

Have  you  any  answer  to  make  to 
the  evidence  adduced  with  regard  to 
your  attacks  on  human  beings — par- 
ticularly the  bathing  episodes  which 
have  been  referred  to  ? — Mr.  Winkle :  I 
maintain  they  are  gross  perversions  of 
tho  truth.  Human  beings  act  in  the 
most  ungentlemanly  manner  towards 
us,  coining  upon  us  almost  invariably 
(it  meal-times,  and  not  giving  us  time 
to  move  out  of  the  way. 

Mr.  Winkle  was  followed  by  Mr. 
Perry  Winkle,  who  complained  bitterly 
and  with  genuine  feeling  of  tho  pro- 
tection afforded  to  whelks  and  mussels, 
whom  he  characterised  as  "  abandoned 
Horgias,"  and  declared  that  it  was 
their  practice  to  feed  upon  the  un- 
offending winkle  tribe  after  they  (the 
whelks  and  mussels)  had  poisonei 
them  (the  winkles)  by  means  of  tin 
sulphuric  acid  they  (the  whelks  and 
mussels)  were  in  the  habit  of  secreting. 

Mr.  Perry  Winkle,  whose  evidence 
caused  a  great  sensation,  was  followed 
by  Mr.  Snodgrass,  the  owner  of  the 
grounds  from  which  the  winkles  had 
been  abducted.  Questioned  whether 
he  thought  that  winkles,  even  though 
originally  wild,  could  be  tamed  by  cul- 
tivation on  private  grounds,  Mr.  Hnod- 
grass,  who  was  evidently  regarded  with 
great  affection  both  by  Mr.  Winkle  and 
Mr.  Perry  Winkle,  answered  warmly  in 
the  affirmative.  He  stated  that  he  had 
always  considered  tho  winkles  on  his 
property  as  personal  friends,  and  would 
unhesitatingly  trust  his  children  in 
thoir  company  for  hcurs  at  a  time, 
wore  so  tame  that  they  would  eat 
out  of  his  hand  and  come  to  him  when 
he  whistled.  He  regarded  this  matter 
of  ll'eir  abduction  with  the  utmost 
horror  and  consternation. 

( ' -i  -e    still    I  e'ng    heard    when 
!  roprt  sentative  left. 


our 


I!'i'!i-al  Guest.  "Bv  THE  WAV.  DUCHESS,  IF  WE  ABOLISH  TUB  Locus  THIS  SESSION,  wo>"r 

THE  DUKK   US  AWFULLY   UPSET?  " 

]>U-htSS.    "Olt,    I   EXPECT   UK   WOULD;     BUT   I  bHAS'l   LET   HIM   KNOW,    TOC   KNOW  ! " 


Beating  His  Sword  into  a  Ploughshare. 
Mr.   IT.   S.    PEARSON    on    CHARLKS 

(.DICKENS  : — 

I'he  swoid  he  had  drawn  against  snri:il 
titan  wu  still  ploughing  its  way  towards  thy 
->al  he  ha-1  set  himself  to  reach. 


A  Chance  for  Tussaui's. 

From  The  Eceninj  News  advt. 
column  :  — 

'•RELIC  of  Old  Newgate  Prison,  washing- 
bowl  from  cell  ;  what  offers  * 

8-FT.  GuiLLOTlxE.for  sale,  cheap. 

S  \\VWST  supplied,  cheap." 

Quite  an  attractive  little  lot,  all  on  the 
market  in  one  breath,  for  any  go-ahead 
community  spoiling  for  a  revolution, 
or  commencing  in  the  "  Only  Way  " 
line  of  business.  Mexican  and  Portu- 
guese papers,  please  copy. 

"CAMEL  WON  RACE  BUT 


We  are  not  surprised. 


ilvnir  a'  Gazette. 


The  Home  Secretary's  New  Hobby. 
"Mr.  Churchill  informed  Mr.  Kjrfd  that  lio 
was  (oisidering  the  question  of  taking  snap- 
shot photographs  iu  civil  and  criminal  courts 
during  the  progress  of  proceedings." 

Mum-hater  Keening  Xcir*. 

There  is  no  end  to  Mr.  CHURCHILL'S 
activities. 

"  Some  one  Uui.dired  and  blundered  badly. 
Frankly,  the  men  were  not  lit  to  start  rowing  a 
trial  of  such  impoitance  after  the  subsequent 
fooling  about  whi.-h  tojk  I'lace." 

ful  Mall  Ga^t'.f. 

.We  agree  that  "  someone  blundered," 
though  not  really  very  "badly,"  and 
have  ventured  to  mark  the  place  in 
italics. 


224 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  29,  1911. 


STORIES   FOR    UNCLES. 

(J3fc'/;i/jr  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 
No.  IV._ THE  MINER'S  ADVENTURE. 

MY  Uncle  ses  ho  likes  stories  of  desprit  deeds  of  dairing 
so  he  will  like  this  one  it  is  the  despritest  I  kno  Thire 
wos  wunce  a  gardners  boy  hoose  name  wos  George  he  wos 
a  nise  perlite  boy  and  wen  he  sor  yung  ladies  warking  in 
his  garden  he  stud  up  strate  and  tutched  his  cap  and  scd 
Good  morning  miss  and  sumtimes  he  shod  them  his  nife  so 
evryhody  liked  him  and  sed  this  boy  will  sumday  see  wunder- 
full  things  and  be  as  ritch  as  a  jooler  Wen  he  wos  quite 
yung  about  the  age  of  a  baby  he  had  met  the  grate  french 
lady  Jone  Vark  when  she  wos  chasing  the  enmy  out  of 
France  and  shed  tort  him  how  to  be  brave  and  giv  him  a 
sord  and  a  soot  of  armer  he  kep  them  in  a  box  in  his 
cottige. 

One  morning  George  wos  working  at  the  cabbiges  wen 
he  sor  a  fairy  dressd  in  gold  lace  and  a  purpel  vail  George 
stud  up  strate  and  tutched  his  cap  and  sed  Good  morning 
miss. 

Good  morning  said  the  fairy  your  perliter  than  the 
gardner. 

Wots  he  dun  sed  George. 

He  throd  a  stone  at  me  wen  I  wos  a  sparrer  yestday  and 
I  shall  punsh  him  for  it. 

Yes  du  sed  George  he  ort  to  catch  it. 

Im  going  to  giv  you  welth  and  all  you  wont  said  the 
fairy  quick  quick  pull  up  that  big  cabbige  thers  a  colemine 
under  it. 

And  wen  George  pulled  up  the  cabbige  loan  bold  ther 
wos  the  entrinse  to  a  colemine  and  wen  George  enterd  the 
entrinse  the  fairy  wos  gorn  and  he  wos  lone  in  the  colemine 
and  in  a  niinnit  more  bed  got  to  the  bottom  of  it. 

Cheer  up  sed  George  to  hisself  and  he  bagen  piking  at 
the  cole  with  sumbdy  elses  pikax  wich  had  got  left  there 
400  yeers  ago  he  hadent  bin  piking  verry  long  wen  he  sor 
sumthing  gleeming  away  like  mad  in  the  dark  and  wen  he 
put  out  his  hand  and  cort  hold  of  it  it  wos  a  gold  box 
bigger  than  yur  cigret  box  it  wos  as  big  as  a  tabel  and  there 
wos  a  ruby  stuk  in  the  lid  the  size  of  my  hed. 

Haha  sed  George  Im  geting  on  this  is  sumthing  like 
and  he  gav  it  a  bio  with  his  pikax  to  sho  he  dident  care  a 
bit  and  sudnly  the  lid  flu  open  like  a  wotch  wen  you  bio  on 
it  and  a  hole  lot  of  Troles  came  tumbling  out  shouting  firse 
battel  cries  and  making  awfle  fases  at  George  in  the  dark 
a  Trole  is  an  erthman. 

Wen  George  sor  the  Troles  he  wosent  afrade  but  he  puld 
out  his  magic  wond  of  ebny  wich  the  fairy  giv  him  and 
sed  theres  tu  mutch  torking  here  if  you  dont  keep  quite  I 
shall  send  you  upstares. 

I  forgot  about  the  wond  but  hed  got  it  alrite. 

Then  the  cheef  of  the  Troles  kame  up  and  bagen  nelying 
at  Georges  feet  and  sed  strike  the  ruby  with  your  ebny 
wond  and  I  bet  youll  see  sumthing  to  sprise  you  and  wen 
George  struk  the  ruby  there  wos  a  flash  of  litening  and 
thunder  and  the  Troles  all  run  into  the  gold  box  agen  and 
the  ruby  sloly  opend  and  the  buteflest  prinsess  in  the 
wurld  stept  out. 

Ive  left  my  horse  bahind  she  sed  pleese  get  it  for  me  and 
George  put  his  hand  in  the  ruby  and  puld  out  a  milkwite 
steed  with  a  silver  Sadel. 

Thank  you  so  mutch  sed  the  prinsess  I  think  your  the 
boy  Ive  got  to  marry  are  you  a  gardners  boy  cald  George. 

Yes  I  am  sed  George  but  they  dident  tell  me  enything 
about  a  marrige. 

Ive  told  you  now  sed  the  prinsess  weel  have  it  at  harf 
past  tu  tomorrow. 


Then  George  wavd  his  ebny  wond  and  a  lift  kame  doun 
for  them  and  a  man  got  out  and  opend  the  gait  and  George 
tuk  the  gold  box  and  he  and  the  prinsess  got  in  and  the 
lift  carrod  them  to  the  top  were  the  fairy  wos  wating  for  them. 

They  were  man-id  tomorrow  and  livd  verry  haply  in  six 
splendid  palises  wich  the  Troles  bilfc  for  them  George  dident 
du  eny  more  gardning  and  wen  he  wonted  munny  he  sent  a 
Trole  doun  the  colemine  to  get  it. 

The  fairy  wos  Georges  mother  the  name  of  the  prinsess 
was  Ameelia. 

THE    HOUSE    ON    HOLIDAY. 

[A  certain  newspaper  lias  recently  informed  us  that,  "like  the  rest  of 
humanity,  the  House  of  Commons  lias  its  moods,"  and  there  arc  times 
when  "  Members,  both  young  and  old,  like  boys  just  released  from 
school,  break  out  into  boisterous  mirth,  and  indulge  in  the  most 
frolicsome  antics. "j 

AND  I  was  in  the  gallery  that  night !  .  .  .  . 

ASQUITH  began  it — mind  you,  it  was  but 
The  merest  lull,  succeeding  some  grim  fight, 

That  turned  them  from  their  customary  rut. 
The  House  of  Commons,  like  the  rest  of  mortals 

(Perhaps  you  never  thought  of  that  before  ?) 
Has  got  its  moods :  within  those  sacred  portals 

Our  legislators  sometimes  slough  their  lore 
And  try  to  make  things  hum,  when  life  becomes  a  bore. 

ASQUITH,  I  say,  began  it.     Full  of  beans, 

He  hoisted  up  his  slack  and  cried,  "  Ahoy  ! 
BALFOUR,  old  man,  suppose  we  find  some  means 

Of  killing  time '?  "     Said  BALFOUR,  "  Done,  dear  boy !  " 
Nor  yet  was  HALDANE  loth,  but,  rising  up,  he 

Offered  the  House  a  reckless  challenge :  "  Who  '11 
Stake  tuppence  on  a  game  of  bumble-puppy  ?  " 

And  others  gambolled  too,  like  bovs  from  school ; 
There  were  that  leapt,  and  some  that  played  at  snooker  pool. 

CECIL  and  HOBNE  (SILVESTER),  lithe  of  limb, 

Requested  REDMOND  to  "  provide  a  back  " 
And  played  at  leap-frog  with  the  utmost  vim 

Till  CECIL'S  head  sustained  a  nasty  crack. 
WINSTON  and  F.  E.  SMITH,  a  wrestling  couple, 

Circled  about  to  get  a  decent  squeeze, 
And  both  appeared  distinctly  fit  and  supple ; 

While  all  the  time  the  SPEAKER  sat  at  ease 
And  peppered  everyone  impartially  with  peas. 

A  game  of  marbles  soon  was  going  strong, 

And  WINTERTON  and  CAESON  won  applause 
From  all  the  cognoscenti  in  the  throng 

By  artful  knuckling  of  the  alley-taws. 
And  here  one  might  observe  the  stately  AUSTEN, 

Who,  though  at  play,  preserved  a  proper  tone, 
Poised  on  one  nimble  foot  and  wholly  lost  in 

A  little  game  of  hopscotch  on  his  own — 
A  topping  game,  but  one  inadequately  known. 

I  did  not  mark  the  antics  of  the  rest, 

For,  just  as  BIRRELL  offered  trifling  odds 
That  F.  E.  SMITH  would  sit  on  WINSTON'S  chest, 

The  SPEAKER  started  potting  at  the  gods. 
We  went  confusedly,  but  as  we  hastened 

From  that  high  fane  St.  Stephen  holds  in  fee 
I  cried  aloud  with  joy,  albeit  chastened, 

"  These  lofty  men  who  write  themselves  M.P. 
Enjoy  their  little  jape  even  like  you  and  me !  " 


From  "Answers  to  Correspondents"  in  The  Birmingham 
Daily  Post : — 

"'Anxious.' — The  Bishop  of  Birmingham,  who  was  born  in  1853,  is 
a  bachelor.'1 

We  hope  this  is  the  good  news  that  "  Anxious  "  wanted. 


MAIL 'ii  '29,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


225 


NEO-PKANDIAI-1SM. 

MH.  CIHSHOI.M,  Uio  Editor  of  the 
(Irciilost  of  Great  Works,  having  pre- 
sided at  a  series  of  dinners  to  its 
Knglish  contributors  last  iuitunin  and 
lieing  now  engaged  on  a  similar  !• 
America,  is  himself  to  ho  entertained 
at  dinner  on  his  return.  And  why 
not?  Let  there  be  dinners  and  then 
more  dinners.  Let  a  dinner  celehnile 
everything. 

As  a  contribution  to  the  New  Pran- 
ilialism  we  suggest  that  the  following 
banquets  are  more  than  due  :  — 

A  complimentary  dinner  to  Mr.  SHAW 
by  the  road  hogs  of  England  in  honour 
of  the  courageous  stand  taken  by  him 
in  The  Car  against  the  hysterical  op- 
position to  running  over  their  pets 
which  is  displayed  by  too  many  dog- 
owners.  Mr.  SHAW  candidly  admits 
that  he  lias  run  over  thirteen  and  only 
twice  has  stopped  to  apologise.  Such 
a  lead  from  so  eminent  a  humanitarian 
cannot  be  too  cordially  acknowledged. 

A  dinner  to  Lady  SELBOBNE  to  be 
given  by  sympathisers  with  her  on  the 
trying  time  she  has  recently  undergone 
in  her  endeavour  to  establish  a  new 
and  more  elastic  method  of  corre- 
spondence in  the  papers.  It  has  long 
been  felt  that  to  sign  one's  own  name 
to  a  letter  was  at  best  mechanical. 
Lady  SELBORNE  has  boldly  come  for- 
ward to  put  an  end  to  this  tedious 
practice  by  signing  some  one  else's. 
Only  a  dinner — and  a  very  good  one — 
can  properly  bring  home  to  her  mind 
the  benefit  she  has  conferred  both  on 
the  cause  of  women's  franchise  and 
woman  at  large.  The  Chair  will  be 
taken  by  Lady  CONSTANCE  LYTTON. 

It  has  long  been  felt  by  the  friends 
of  Sir  EDWIN  DURNING-LAWRENCE, 
Bart.,  the  great  Baconian  litterateur, 
that  public  expression  should  be  given 
to  the  gratitude  and  appreciation  of 
bis  gigantic  labours  under  which  the 
cultured  section  of  the  community  has 
so  long  groaned.  This  sentiment  has 
now  taken  concrete  shape  in  the  pro- 
posal to  entertain  Sir  EDWIN  at  a 
banquet,  at  which  the  Chair  will  be 
taken  by  Dr.  O.  OWEN,  the  eminent 
American  savant,  who  is  now  assidu- 
ously delving  in  the  bed  of  the  Wye, 
near  Chepstow,  for  BACON'S  lost  note- 
books. Mr.  G.  G.  GREENWOOD  has 
also  kindly  promised  to  attend  and 
will  oblige  with  the  sentiment,  "It's 
a  long  lane  that  knows  no  Durning." 

Any  attempt  to  enliven  the  drab 
monotony  of  male  attire  is  always  to 
be  welcomed,  and  it  is  with  great 
pleasure  that  we  learn  of  the  general 
support  leant  to  the  suggestion  to 
give  a  fancy-dress  dinner  to  Mr.  JOSIAH 
WBDGWOOD,  M.P.,  for  his  noble  attempt 


-  »,;,- 


TOMMY,  CAUKHT  ANYTHING  I" 
"No,  I  DON'T  BELIEVE  THE  SII.LY  WORM  WAS  TRYING." 


;o  introduce  velvet  coats  into  the 
House  of  Commons.  Mr.  L.  GINNELL, 
M.P.,  who  has  consented  to  take  the 

hair,  will  appear  as  an  Irish  cow- 
puncher,  and  Mr.  JEREMIAH  MACVEAGH, 
M.P.,  will  probably  assume  the  en- 
aging  disguise  of  a  South  Down 
shepherd.  Velvet  or  velveteen  will  be 
le  rigueur  for  all  who  attend  the 
Banquet,  at  which  it  is  understood 
ihere  will  be  no  Speakers. 

As  side  issues  of  the  revival  in  com- 
memorative dining  we  may  state  that 
the  Savoy  Hotel  is  about  to  open  a  new 
*rill  room  to  be  known  as  the  Chisholm, 
with  a  twenty -five  shilling  inclusive 
unch  for  scholars.  Be  sure  to  ask  for 
Encyclo.  Brut  champagne. 

The  Great  Eastern  Eailway  Company 
are  adding  to  the  Cambridge  noon  ex- 


press every  day  a  dining  car  especially 
reserved  for  officials  of  the  University 
Press  and  contributors  to  the  Phenom- 
enal Compilation. 

Lastly  we  may  note,  as  a  pleasing 
illustration  of  the  popularity  of  the  New 
Prandialism,  the  inclusion  at  more 
than  one  of  the  leading  music-halls  of 
a  turn  in  which  the  performer,  Apropos 
of  nothing  in  particular,  eats  three 
large  dinners  one  after  another,  champ- 
ing his  teeth  in  perfect  time  with  the 
music.  At  the  same  time  we  under- 
stand there  is  no  truth  in  the  report 
that  the  charming  MLLE.  BRITTA  has 
assumed  the  Christian  name  of  ENCY. 


Fcstina  Lente — "  Easter  will  soon  be 
here." 


826 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[•MARCH  29,  1911. 


Abs  til-minded  IfmtstJmlder  (who  takes  the  Census  returns  Very  seriously).    "An,    MAUTIIA  JAMES— £>:,   WIDOW?—  EK,   AGE?   H'M — 

THIRTY-FIVE,    H'M—  MALK  OK   FEMALE  I  " 

Cook  (indignantly).   "FEMALE!" 


THE  INTELLIGENT  METHOD. 

[It  is  announced  that  another  attempt  to  abolish  compulsory  Greek 
in  Responsions  is  to  be  made  shortly.  It  will  doubtless  be  as  uusucctss- 
ful  as  the  others  have  been.] 

PETER,  arrived  at  the  age  of  eight, 
Was  sent  to  a  school  that  was  up  to  date, 
A  wonderful  school  where  the  teaching-ran 
On  the  most  enlightened  and  modern  plan. 
Each  teacher  there  was  passing  rich 
In  PBOEBEL,  COMENIUS,  LOCKE  and  FITCH, 
Had  studied  psychology  well,  and  knew 
All  about  logical  processes  too. 
What' though  his  notions  of  <5,  f],  TO, 

And  hie,  hac,  hoc  might  be  somewhat  foggy  ? 
The  method 's  the  thing,  and  each  could  show 

His  London  Diploma  in  pedagogy. 

It  goes  without  saying  the  teaching  wenb 
On  the  plan  that  is  known  as  "  intelligent ; " 
No  learning  by  rote — not  a  single  word 
That  savoured  of  dogma  was  ever  heard. 
The  brats  were  not  brainlessly  taught  to  sfata 
As  a  crude,  bald  fact  that  twice  four  's  eight ; 
The  first  few  weeks  that  they  spent  at  school 
They  measured  up  things  with  a  three-foot  rute, 
Until  they  learnt  this  truth  and  treasured  it — 
That  twice  four  varied  each  time  that  you  measured  t£ — 
A  piece  of  priceless  and  sound  instruction 
Gained  by  a  process  of  pure  deduction. 

Of  course  they  were  only  allowed  to  tarn 
To  subjects  they  eagerly  wished  to  learn. 
No  forcing  the  young  idea  to  stammer 


The  verbs  in  -fu  or  the  Latin  grammar. 
Instead  of  Euclid  and  rule  of  three 
They  nature-studied  the  bumble-bee ; 
They  made  little  models  in  clay,  and  went 
To  visit  St.  Paul's  and  the  Monument ; 
And  after  each  highly  instructive  trip 
They  wrote  little  essays  on  citizenship. 

Thus  Peter  continued  evolving  knowledge 
Until  he  was  ready  to  go  to  college  ; 
He  hoped  to  let  old  Isis  see 
What  Education  ought  to  be, 
For  he  heard  that  at  last  the  dons  intended. 
The  farce  of  compulsory  Greek  to  be  ended. 

Alas,  I  fear  when  the  day  comes  round 
His  hopes  will  be  cruelly  dashed  to  the  ground 
From  curacy,  canonry,  rectory,  deanery, 
From  Lancashire  slums  and  from  Devonshire  scenery,  i 
Black  coats  have  flocked  before  in  force 
To  fight  for  the  antediluvian  course ; 
And  now,  as  before,  they  will  doubtless  go 
To  fight  in  their  hundreds  for  o,  fj,  TO, 
And  the  youth  who  sighs  for  Oxford  halls 
Will  still  have  to  tackle  the  old,  old  Smalls. 

Now  o,  TI,  TO  is  death  to  a  man 
Brought  up  on  the  latest  enlightened  plan. 
However  hard  his  brain  may  try 
It  never  can  master  the  verbs  in  -^», 
While  up-to-date  methods  unite  to  avoid  a 
Lucid  account  of  a  freak  like  o?8a. 
So  Smalls  are  a  still  insurmountable  fenca 
To  a  man  of  modern  intelligence. 


PUNCH,   OR  THK    LONDON   CIIARIVARr.^-MARCH  '2'.),  1911. 


'    '         M 

\\  \  ,  .1  x" "\     mul /A 


LL  HATCHETS 

MAY    BE 

BURIED 
HERE. 


DISARMAGEDDON. 


MARCH  29,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


239 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

"    ir.M  FROM  THE  Dl.MlY  "!'  T'lHV,    M.I'.  ' 

Ifoiinc  of  Commons,  Mundni/,  .!/<// . •/; 
20. — Heard  much  of  late  of  tlio  inil- 
leiiniuni  near  at  hand,  when  Ireland, 
refusing  to  ho  happy  till  shn  gets  it, 
shall  have  Home  Rule.  Captain  CRAIG, 
again  after  carrying  out  LONG 
JOHN,  nut  disposed  to  regard  prospect 
with  unqualified  pleasure. 

"  What  ahout  Irish  stocks?  "he asks. 
"Does  the  PRIME  MIMSTKK  know  that 
since  Home  Rule  was  mentioned  by 
the  Government  the  price  of  Irian 
securities  has  appreciably  fallen  ?  " 

I  jalcr  LONSDALK  raises 
similar  objection.  Like 
bonnets,  tin,  bootlaces 
and  other  industries 
whose  condition  was 
noticed  at  time  of 
launching  Tariff  Keform 
propaganda,  Irish  bank 
stock  is  "  going  "  — 
down.  ST.  AUGUSTINK 
BntBBLL  points  out  that 
price  of  Bank  of  Ireland 
stock  is  subject  to  causes 
affecting  similar  stock 
in  United  Kingdom. 
Only  that,  and  nothing 
more. 

LONSDALK  shook  his 
head  incredulously.  A 
student  of  history,  he 
remembers  how  in  times 
past  the  policy  of  the 
Whigs  at  a  particular 
juncture  led  to  disastrous 
multiplication  of  large 
bluebottle  flies  in  but- 
chers'shops.  TbeWhigs 
of  the  day  strenuously 
denied  that  they  were  in 
any  measure  responsible 
for  the  incursion,  just  as 
a  member  of  a  Govern- 
ment placed  and  kept 
in  power  by  a  discredit- 
able Coalition  attempts 


blighted    the    hopes  of    Ireland.       ST. 

-i  INK'S  glance  resting  upon    the 

pretty  scene  was   dimmed   by  ;i  te;ir  of 

•iiliy.        It    was    a    slight    thing, 

incidentally   arising  out  of    accidental 

contiguity.     The  seeing  eye  discerned 

in  it  token  uf  millennium. 

"By-and-by,"  ST.  An.rsriNi:  mur- 
mured, "we  shall  see  JOHN  RKDMOND 
walking  on  the  Terrace  with  Captain 
CHAIG,  passing  by  a  table  at  which  are 
s  at  'd  WILLIAM  MOOHIO  and  JOHN 
DILLON,  while,  like,  great  Anna  (since 
dead),  whom  three  realms  obey,  they 
1  sometimes  counsel  take  and  some- 
times tea.'  " 


mora    ama/ed    than    he 
created  by  his  utterance. 


at    sensation 

Intended   as 


MOII  of  personal  feeling,  welcoming 
suggestion  thrown  out  by  I'I;I:SIUKNT 
01  I  MTI:I>  STATUS.  And  lu  !  it  turns 
out  to  have  been  a  trumpet  call,  not 
gammoning  to  war  but  to  peace  on 
earth  and  goodwill  among  the  nations. 
GREY  instinctively  shrinks  from 
private  congratulations,  public  compli- 


ments, and   the   like,     ll.i- 
with   the   DUKE 


common 


01 


much    in 
ItKVON- 


CORK-ED  STOUT; 

OB   "Ml.SERY  ACQUAINTS  A   MAN   WITH   8TRAXCE  BENCH-FELLOWS." 

Mr.  WILLIAM  O'BRIEN,  being  hard  np  for  congenial  society  just  at  present,  joins 
the  "jeuttcsse  time  "  and  commuues  light-heartedly  with  Mr.  WALTKB  GUINNESS." 


to  shirk   re- 


sponsibility for  market  price  of  Bank 
of  Ireland  stock. 

Even  while  this  controversy  was  in 
progress  an  object-lesson  was  presented 
possibility  of  which  would,  thirty 
years  ago,  have  been  scornfully 
challenged.  On  second  bench  below 
Gangway,  the  very  one  whence  in  good 
old  days  PARNELL  and  JOSEPH  GILLIS 
BHSGAR  were  accustomed  to  rise,  defy 
authority  of  Chair  and  outrage  treas- 
ured traditions  of  Parliament,  sat 
WILLIAM  O'BRIEN,  fully  clothed,  in 
friendly  conversation  with  WALTER 
GuiNNKss.representativeofthatEnglish 
wealth,  landlordism  and  aristocracy 
that  since  and  before  the  Union  have 


Business  done. — Navy  Estimates  on 
again  in  Committee  of  Supply. 

Wednesday. — EDWARD  GREY  suddenly 
finds  himself  under  fierce  light  beating 
upon  him  from  two  hemispheres. 
Kindled  by  his  memorable  speech  on 
arbitration  interpolated  ten  days  ago  in 
debate  on  Army  and  Navy  expendi- 
ture. Present  generation  cannot  recall 
parallel  case  of  address  in  House  of 
Commons  commanding  such  world- 
wide attention,  welcomed  with  equal 
unanimity  of  enthusiasm.  True  Mr. 
BARNES  regards  it  as  "  a  mockery  and 
a  snare."  Against  that  EDWARD  GREY 
may,  if  he  pleases,  place  the  approval 
of  civilised  world. 

Not  likely  to  take  the  trouble.    None 


SHIRK  long  known  to  Commons  as 
Lord  HAHTINGTON.  HARTiNOTONdid  not 
care  a  brass  farthing  for  anything  people 
said  or  thought  or  wrote  about  him. 
At  the  lx)ttom  of  his 
heart,  more  particu- 
larly at  outset  of  his 
career,  he  disliked 
public  life,  was  bored 
by  attendance  in  House 
of  Commons.  But  for 
four  hundred  years  the 
CAVENDISHES  have  had 
a  hand  in  directing 
public  affairs,  and  it 
did  not  become  the 
latest  heir  to  the  Duke- 
dom to  shirk  the  here- 
ditary task.  Equally 
a  GREY  of  Northum- 
berland, grandson  of 
Sir  GEORGE,  grand- 
nephew  of  the  second 
Earl  GREY,  was  bound 
to  take  bis  place  in  Par- 
liament, in  due  time  his 
seat  on  one  or  other  of 
the  Front  Benches. 

EDWARD  GREY  obeyed 
the  call  of  duty,  and 
from  tb.3  first  inide 
his  mark  upon  an  As- 
sembly which  is  the 
shrewdest  judge  of 
character  in  the  world. 
A  man  of  sublimely 
judicial  mind,  he  never 
in  the  quarter  of  a 
century  he  has  sat  for  Berwick-on- 
Tweed  raised  a  chesr  by  delivery  of  a 
partisan  attack.  In  this  respect  some 
eager  spirits  find  him  lacking.  HARK 
tells  me  that  during  his  fighting  time 
NELSON  was  actuated  by  ungovern- 
able personal  hatred  of  the  French 
as  individuals  and  as  a  nation.  Whilst 
waiting  to  knock  up  against  their  ships 
in  the  Mediterranean  he  wrote  home : 
"  I  trust  Almighty  God  will,  in  Egypt, 
overthrow  these  pests  of  the  human 
race."  That  was  unreasonable,  illogical. 
But  the  personal  feeling  lent  force  and 
energy  to  NELSON'S  arm  at  Aboukir 
and  Trafalgar. 

EDWARD  GREY  is  absolutely  free  from 
private  prejudices  and  animosities  of 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  29.  1911. 


n:s  "6TKRN-CHASKR." 

Mr    McKKXNA,   while  vigorously  .engaging  the  inemy,  u  compelled  to  go  aft  and  pour  a 
«iil,,n  -  tire  into   mutinous   vessels  astern   to   teach   them   a   Bach-needed    lesson    m    ie.il 


that  character.   It  makes  him  less  effec- 
tive in  party  warfare     It  leaves  him  on 
his  rare  pedestal  —  a  man  trusted  and 
looked  up  to  by  all  parties  and  sections 
of  parties'  in  the  House  of  Commons. 
Business    done.—  In    Committee   of 
Supply. 
Thursday.  —  Under  sub-head  "S"  of 

In     the     lengthened     night     under 
Antarctic  skies  Captain  SCOTT  will  be 
doing    an  analogous  sum  :    "  Expendi- 
ture, £50,000  ;  cash  subscribed,  £44,000  : 
result,    misery.     Cost    of    expedition, 
£50,000  ;  subscriptions,  say  £55,000  to 
cover  emergencies  :  result,  happiness." 
The  first  news  from  England,  that 

vote  6   in   class    4    of    Civil 


Service  j  can  raacli  the  little  party  of  explorers 


Estimates  for  current  financial  year, ;  will  as  near  as  can  be  calculated  arrive 
will  be  found  interesting  item :  "  Grant '  on  Christmas  day,  1912,  when  the  Terra 
in  aid  of  the  British  Antarctic  Expo- 1  Nora  returns  from  New  Zealand  to  the 


but  CJESAK  was  the  first  to  crystallise 
j  it  into  a  policy,  to  make  it  the  guiding 
principle  of  hia  wonderful  career. 

To-day,  however,  we  are  in  danger 
of  forgetting  the  message  left  to  us  by 
he  illustrious  Roman.    In  this  country, 
iideed,  wo  have  largely  given  up  the 
leliberate    cultivation    of    corpulency, 
ind  are  even  beguiled  at   times   into 
•amoving    some     of     our     so-called 
'superfluous"  adiposity  by  means   of 
remedies    of     the    "  Antitum "    type. 
Elei-ein  the  appeal  is  all   to  the  eye, 
o  the  sense  of  form,  rather  than  to 
,he    heart    and    brain.     The    ancient 
ireeks  made  precisely  the  same  mis- 
;ake — they  cultivated  external  beauty,, 
demanding  fineness   of   figure,  at   the 
expense    of    substance— and   what    is 
Greece  today?     On  the  other  hand, 
iow  has  the  Turk  been  able  to  defy 
;he  Powers  all  these  years?     Because 
has   developed  to   the  utmost   his 
capacity  for  sitting  tight. 

Englishmen,  in  the  mass,   seem  to 

lave  stopped  their  ears  to  the  call  of  fat. 

And  yet  some  of  our  most  successful 

modern   men  follow   the   cult  of   the 

obese.     In  almost  every  department  of 

jublic  and  private  activity  it  will  be 

'ound  that,  sooner  or  later,  rotundity 

omes  out  on  top ;    and  once  there  it 

stays  there. 

Would  you  increase  your  efficiency 
;enfold  ?  Would  you  become  a  Man  of 
Weight  in  the  affairs  of  the  Empire? 


dition  of  1910,  £20,000." 


Antarctic  to  take  fresh   stores   to  the 


It  means'  that  the  wealthiest  nation  expedition.  It  would  be  a  pleasant 
in  the  world  has  out  of  its  total  expen- ;  kind  of  a  Christmas  card  if  CAPTAIN 
ditiire  of  a  trifle  under  172  millions :  SCOTT'S  wife,  who  remains  in  London, 
contributed  so  much  to  the  cost  of  j  were  able  to  send  him  word  that  the 
expedition  led  by  Captain  SCOTT  in  ;  full  amount  has  been  made  up,  leaving 
searcli  of  South  Pole.  Better  than  him  to  go  on  his  way  unhampered  by 
nothing,  it  is  less  than  one-half  of  the  thought  that  every  weary  mile 
actual  cost,  estimated  at  a  minimum  achieved  on  the  way  to  the  Pole  adds 
of  £50,000.  Gallant  little  New  Zealand  ;  to  the  burden  of  his  indebtedness. 
hasplankeddown£l,000;  United  South  (  lousiness  done. — Still  winding  up 


Africa,   £500 ;    a  princely   Australian 
subscribes   £2,500,    which,    with   con- 
tributions from  the  public,  brings  up  I 
amount    to    nearly    £44,000,    leaving! 
deficit  of  £6,000. 

This  a  weight  which  throughout  his  ; 
perilous  journey  over  trackless  waste  of ! 
snow  Captain  SCOTT  will  find  heavier  to 


estimates  of  financial  year  closing  on 
the  31st  inst. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  LITERARY  ADVER- 
TISEMENTS. 
WHAT  CSSAR  KNEW. 
"  LET  me  have  men  about  me  that 


draw  than  the  most  fully-laden  sleigh,  j  are   fat,"  cried   JULIUS   CJBSAB   in   an 
He  started  on  his  enterprise  cheered  <  inspired  moment.     This  is  one  of  the 


by  national  applause,  but  depressed  by 
consciousness  that  he  was  bandicapped 
by  what,  if  matters  remain  as  they 
stand,  means  impending  bankruptcy. 

Long  ago  Mr,  Micau'bcr  put  great 
economical  truth  in  classical  nutshell. 
"  Annual  income,  £20 ;  annual  expen- 
diture, £19  19s.  6d.  :  result,  happiness. 
Annual  income,  £20 ;  annual  expen- 
diture, £20  ought  six:  result,  misery." 


most  illuminating  utterances  recorded 
in  the  history  of  the  world. 

Why  did  so  great  a  statesman 
general,  and  litterateur  as  C.«SAR  ex- 
press this  desire  for  an  adipose  entour- 
age ?  Because  he  knew  by  experience 
that  for  general  trustworthiness  anc 
honest  ability  fat  people  were  seconc 
to  none.  Other  men,  in  other  ages 
may  have  discovered  the  same  truth 


Then 

THY   PHATOGEN, 

;he  Great  Girth-Expander. 

Would  you  sit  in  the  Seats  of  the 
Mighty?  'Then 

THY  PHATOGEN', 

the  Universal  Inflator. 

Did  you  ever  know  a  fat  person  to 
become  destitute  ? 

PHATOGEN 

is  the  on3  insurance  against  poverty, 
the  one  solution  of  the  Unemployment 
problem. 

Had  Mr.  BALFOUR  undergone  a  course 
of  this  wonderful  treatment,  he  would 
not  now  b3  in  Opposition. 

Think  of  C^SAK,  and  insist  on  having 

PHATOGEN. 

In  the  palace  as  in  the  cottage,  in 
the  club  as  in  the  casual  ward,  its  effect 
is  proclaimed  to  be  nothing  short  of 
miraculous.  Take  it,  and  the  Blue  Bird 
is  yours  at  last. 

PHATOGEN. 

Of  all  chemists,  grocers,  and  bath- 
chair  manufacturers. 


From  a  testimonial  in  The.  Autocar ; 

' '  I  swear  liy  th ; Cars,  and  am  a  walking 

advertisement  for  you." 

But,  oh !  why  "  walking  "  ? 


MAKCH  29,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


2(1 


•Teaitiless  Suitor  (anxious   to  },roiiiti«tc  mMiv»aire,   whose  daughter's  lutnd  he  has  just  asked  iii  marriage).    "B-B-DUr,   of 
II-I>ON'T  IF  YOU  KOX'T  WANT  TO  !  " 


PAN-PIPES. 


that 


PAN— 'did  you  say  he  was  dead, 

I  in  'd  gone,  and  for  good' — 
Gone  with  the  Dryads  and  all  of  the 

shy  forest  faces  ? 
Who  was  it  then  plucked  your  sleeve 

as  you  came  through  the  wood, 
What  of  the  whisper  that  waits  in 
the  oddest  of  places  ? 

J'nn  of  the  garden,  the  fold, 
Pun  of  the  bird  and  the  beast, 

Kindly,  he  lives  as  of  old, 
He  isn't  dead  in  the  least ! 

Yt's   you  may  find  him  to-day  (how 

the  reeds  twitter  on, 
Tutjeful,  as  once  when  he  followed 

young  Bacchus's  leopards)  ; 
Stiller  he  may  be,  perhaps,  since  our 

moonlight  lias  shone 
Centuries  long  on  his  goat-horns — 
old  Pan  of  the  shepherds ! 
Brown  are  his  tatters,  his  tan 

Eoughened  from  tillage  and  toil, 
Pagan  and  homely,  but  Pan — 
Pan  of  the  sap  and  the  soil ! 
Find   him,  in  fact,  in  the  Park  when 

the  first  crocus  cowers  ; 
Cockney  is  he  when  it  suits  him,  I 
know  that  lie  knocks  his 


Crook  at  my  window  at  times  o'er  six- 
penn'orth  of  flowers, 
Gives  me  his  blessing  anew  with  my 
fresh  window-boxes ! 

Piping  the  leaf  on  the  larch, 
Piping  the  nymphs  (in  the  Row), 

Piping  a  magic  of  March, 
Just  as  he  did  long  ago ! 


THE  TONSUKE  TOUCH. 

DEAR  MH.  PUNCH,— A  good  deal  has 
been  said  about  the  pathos  surrounding 
the  struggles  of  middle-aged  women  to 
preserve  their  youth,  but  I  feel  that 
members  of  your  own  sex  similarly 
engaged  deserve  even  greater  sympathy 
because  they  have  fewer  adventitious 
aids  and  less  opportunity  for  practising 
them.  So  I  have  invented  a  little 
arrangement  by  which  the  out-of-doors- 
man  on  the  wrong  side  of  fifty  can 
knock  at  least  fifteen  years  off  his  age. 
You  will  have  noticed,  when  through 
work  or  worry  a  man  loses  his  back 
hair,  the  line  of  demarcation  often 
appears  just  under  his  hat  at  the  back, 
and  gives  him  away,  however  studiedly 
youthful  the  rest  of  his  appearance 
may  be.  Few  men  will  wear  a  toupee, 
in  spite  of  the  pathetic  efforts  of  their 


hairdressers  to  make  them,  but  there  is 
neither  trouble  nor  risk  attached  to  my 
little  invention. 

"The  Tonsure  Touch"  (for so  I  have 
named  it)  consists  of  a  crescent-shaped 
bandeau  of  hair  fastened  inside  the  hat- 
brim  at  the  back,  and  is  so  placed  that 
it  not  only  completely  covers  the  ex- 
posed bald  area,  but  blends  naturally 
with  the  wearer's  own  hair.  When 
social  or  other  duties  necessitate  the 
lifting  of  the  hat,  the  right  thumb 
presses  a  stud  on  the  under  side  of  the 
right  brim  (this  is,  of  course,  reversed 
in  the  case  of  left-handed  wearers). 
The  stud  is  connected  with  a  spring, 
which  causes  the  "  scalpette "  to  fly 
up  inside  the  hat  as  it  is  raised, 
while  the  releasing  of  the  stud  causes 
the  hair-flap  to  spring  back  again  in 
correct  position  as  the  hat  is  replaced 
on  the  head. 

"  The  Tonsure  Touch  "  is  made  in  all 
sizes  and  shades,  and  it  is  only  due  to 
myself  to  add  that  my  invention  will 
be  placed  on  the  market  at  cost  price, 
my  idea  being  not  to  make  profit  but 
merely  to  add  to  the  comfort  and 
happiness  of  a  sex  for  which  I  have  a 
sincere  respect  and  esteem. 
Truly  yours,  SYMPATHETIC  SPINSTER. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  29,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"ONE   OF  THB   Dl'hKS." 

MR.  "GEORUK  PLKYDKLL'S  "   satire 
on  the  tendency  among  British  Peers 


land  Miss  ALEXANDRA  CARLISLE  said 
"Gee!"  and  "Ginger!"  very  plea- 
santly, but  it  was  poor  sport  for  them. 
As" for  Miss  KATE  BISHOP,  she  was 
required  to  pronounce  every  s  as  sh : 

to  marry   American    heiresses   surely  j  that  was  where  her  fun  came  in.      She 

comes  rattier  late  in  the  day,  and  his  i  would  have  done  well  in  the  shibboleth 

ridicule  of  dukes  as  dukes  is  not  the  !  test  at  the  ford  of  Jordan,  but  it  left  us 

freshest  of  fun.     A  year  or  so 

ago    it    might   possibly    have 

lieen    amusing   to  revive  the 

CHANCELLOR'S     Limehouse 

manner  and  to  say  that  "  Mr. 

Welshman     had     called     the 

Duke  of  Rye  the  chief  cf  back- 
woodsmen," but  to-day  it  is 

the  oldest  of  old  game.    And 

even    a   year   ago    his    worst 

enemy    never    suspected    the 

backwoodsman   of    being 

totally  ignorant  in  the  matter 

of  sport.    He  was  supposed  to 

be  spending  all  his  leisure  time 

in  the  slaughter   of  innocent 

creatures,  knee-deep  in  "  blood" 

instead   of    "bloom."       And, 

after  all,  where  is  your  back- 
woodcraft  if  you  can't  tell  a 

pet-dog  from  a  partridge '?  Yet 

that  was  the  error  committed 

by  the  Duke  of  Rye  in  the  ex- 
citement of  hearing  the  familiar 

cry,  "-Mark  over,"  which  seems 

to  have  struck  him  as  a  r.ovel- 

ty.     Another  weakness  of  his 

was  a  private   taste   for  the 

bassoon ;  and  a  third  his  cus- 
tom of  breaking  off  his  engagement  very  cold. 


])akc  i/ Rye.    "I  say,  I'm  afraid  I'm  a  very  poor  backwoods- 
man.    Is  that  what  they  call  an  axe  ? " 

JJttie  of  Rye         ...        '...-.       Mr.  CYRII.  MAUDE. 

tieorg:  Ttuirburn     ..          ..        Mr.  ALLAN  AYNJWWOKTH. 


willi  any  girl  who  employed  artificial 
aids  to  teauty.  His  attempt  to  test 
the  hips  of  one  lady  with  the  point  of 
an  alpenstock  was  fortunately  made 
before  the  curtain  rose.  Poor  material 
even  for  a  farce,  but  Mr.  CYRIL  MAUDE 
braved  it  out,  using  his  well-known 
and  popular  voice-trick  for  all  it  was 
worth  to  cany  off  the"  mildest  mirth 
that  ever  was.  But  it  cost  him  many 
a  bead  of  perspiration.  *. 

To  give  the' author  his  due,  I  admit 
a  fresh  effect  in  his  representation  of 
the  interior  of  a  parched  well,  with 
the  Duke  and  his  fiancee  in  a  cage 
descending  in  search  of  her  engagement 
ring.  M.  MAETERLINCK  had,  of  course, 
anticipated  tin's  dropping  of  a  ring  into 
a  well,  but  never  thought  of  sending 
Pclleas  and  Melisaunde  down  after  it. 
His  well  was  too  wet.  In  Salome, 
again,  we  were  not  privileged  to  see 
through  a  brick  wall  into  the  interior  of 
the  prophet's  retreat  at  the  bottom  of  the 
cavity.  Sothiswasquiteafresh  scheme. 

Whether  it  will  serve  to  impose  the 
play  upon  the  general  taste  I  dare  not 
conjecture.  The  kindly  audience  of 
the  first  night  were  hard  put  to  it  to 
counterfeit  enthusiasm.  Mr.  ALLAN 
AYNEHWORTH  worked  hard  at  his  pipe, 


Finally,  Miss  NELL  CARTER 


this  play.  That  I,  for  one,  cannot 
penetrate  it  may  simply  mean  that  witli. 
proper  modesty  he  hides  Jtis  virtues 
from  the  common  eye. 

I  imagine  that  the  gloomy  little 
curtain  raiser,  1'fie  Hand  an  the  Latch 
— a  mild  sort  of  Guignol  horror— 
was  designed  to  put  the  audience  in  a 
receptive  frame  of  mind  for 
the  farce  that  followed.  It 
had  a  moment's  strength  in 
the  iinal  situation,  where  the 
wife  disowns  her  dead  thief 
of  a  husband,  either  to 
shield  his  name  or  because, 
as  she  had  sh  wn  at  an  earlier 
stage,  she  could  not  forgive 
dishonesty.  But  much  of  the 
silent  action  of  the  piece  was 
trivial  and  tedious,  for  all  the 
naturalness  of  Miss  WINIFRED 
EMERY,  and  I  did  not  find 
that  the  tragedy  had  much 
excuse  for  itself  on  the  ground 
of  inevitability.  If  I  had  beep 
the  man  and  wanted  to  apj 
propriate  the  taxes  I  had  been 
collecting,  I  should  never  have 
been  at  the  pains  first  to 
screw  them  up  under  the  flcor 
and  then  to  break  into  my 
own  house  at  midnight  to 
steal  them.  I  should  have 
just  shifted  them  from  one 
pocket  to  the  other. 

It  seems  so  easy  that  there 
must   be  a  citch  somewhere, 


looked  so  pretty  in  her  nurse's  uniform 
that  it  didn't  much  matter  what  she 
said ;  and  this  was  well,  for  she  had 
the  dullest  things  to  say. 

I  am  confident  that  Mr.  MAUDE  had 
some  good  motive  for  the  selection  of 


THE  CURTAIN  LECTURER. 
Mr.   I'KM^IK.I;. 


and  I  shall  try  to  believe  that  that  charm- 
ing writer,  Miss  MARY  CHOLMONDELKY, 
knew  what  she  was  about.  O.  S. 

'•THE   FOLLIES." 

The  Follies  are  most  effective  \vhei> 
they  are  least  ambitious.  A  casual 
conversation  between  Mr.  PELISSIEH 
and  Mr.  LEWIS  SIDNEY  conveys  more 
of  their  own  peculiar  atmosphere  than 
all  the  potted  pageants  and  imitations 
of  MAUD  ALLAN.  When  Mr.  SIDNEY 
arrives  at  the  "Voice  Trial  with  his 
'cello,  and  before  beginning  asks  Mr. 
PELISSIEH  casually  if  he  knows  how 
'cellos  are  made,  to  which  Mr.  PELISSIER 
says  in  tones  of  surprise  :  "Do  they 
make  them  ?  "  whereupon  Mr.  SIDNEY 
assures  him  earnestly  that  they  make 
quite  a  number,  and  explains  that. 
they  always  make  the  "  S  "  holes  first 
— why  then,  it  seems  to  me,  you  have 
the  Follies  at  their  best.  This  par- 
ticular little  bit  of  dialogue  was  omitted 
from  the  Voice  Trial  last  Wednesday  ;•! 
perhaps  for  the  reason  that  it  came 
spontaneously  on  the  'night,  some 
months  ago,  when  I  heard  it,  and  the, 
Follies  are  artists  enough  to  know  that 
a  spontaneous  joke  cannot  always  ba 
repeated.  But  I  was  sorry  that  a 
whole  turn  in  the  first  part  of  the  pro- 


MAHCII  '2'.),  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


BEFORE   THE    POINT  TO    POINT. 

Lady.  "HALLOA,  FREDDY,  WHAT  A  FUNNY  HORSE  I " 

Freddy  (on,  iuw  chaser,  his  proudest  possession).  "It's  ONE  I'VE  JUST  BROUGHT  OUT  TO  QUALIFY." 

Lady.  "  I  DON'T  UNDERSTAND.  " 

Freddy.  "Jusi  OUT  TO  LET  THE  MASTER  SEE  HIM,  DON'T  YOU  KNOW?" 

Lady.  "On,  I  SEE;  FOR  THE  KENNELS,  I-OOR  BEAST." 


gramme,  "  Mr.  PELIBBIER  and  Mr. 
I. i:\vis  SIDNEY  will  sing  to  eacli  other," 
was  also  omitted ;  I  have  such  very 
pleasant  memories  of  their  previous 
duds. 

Of  the  new  Potted  Plays  I  thought 
Count  Hannibal  the  funniest ;  maybe 
because  I  have  not  seen  the  original. 
1  have  noticed  before  that  the  plays 
which  one  has  not  seen  are  the  ones 
which  "  pot "  best.  I  suppose  we  are 
led  to  expect  too  much  from  the  others. 
And,  anyhow,  I'm  afraid  it  is  true 
that  the  Follies  are  better  served  by 
their  interpreters  than  by  their  authors. 
There  must,  for  instance,  be  at  least 
fifty  people  in  London  who  could  write 
Mr.  PKLISSIER  a  set  of  verses  ten  times 
cleverer  than  those  which  serve  him 
for  his  topical  song  in  the  first  part  of 
the  programme. 

Miss  GWBNNIB  MARS  lias  one  charm- 
ing turn  as  a  dear  old  grandmother 
trying  to  tell  three  inquisitive  children 
a  fairy  tale.  1  could  wish  that  she 
and  the  other  ladies  of  the  company 
hid  move  to  do  in  the  Potted  Plays, 


even  if  it  meant  that  Mr.  PELISSIEU  had 
to  forswear  female  impersonations  for 
the  future.  And  I  should  have  liked  to 
hear  more  of  Mr.  DAN  EVERAHD — he 
can  be  so  delightfully  alive. 

But  that  is  tho  worst  of  the  Follies. 
We  all  want  different  things  from 
them,  and  whatever  we  get  we  shall 
never  be  quite  satisfied.  M. 


'•  Half-time  came  with  the  score  standing  - 

IRELAND     1  (Joal 

SCOTLAND 1  lioal 

Result — Scotland  2,  Ireland  nil.  ' 

Ireland's  Saturday  Xiyht. 

We  can  only  suppose  that  Scotland 
pinched  Ireland's  goal  when  she  wasn't 
looking.  This  is  hardly  playing  the 
game. 

From  Tho  Weekly  Dispatch  ; — 

Ui'Kivesau  excellent  account  of  himself  in 
the  '  Lasso  '  song,  and  would  do  still  better  if 
tin"  alisnul  business  <>!'  having  him  carried  olf 
on  Miss  May's  back  was  abolished,  lie  is  good 
rnmigh  to  walk  oil' on  his  own." 

If  he  can  really  walk  off  on  his  own 
back  he  must  be  very  good  indeed. 


The  Compensations  of  a  University 
Education. 

"  University  man,  bachelor,  young,  drain  • 
pretty  little  comfortably  furnished  scasiel.: 
Cottage.  Kent  free  ori|nite  ncminal." 

Ad 'rt.  in  ••Chiifh  Timri." 


"Li'Di-ow  COUNTY   POI.H-K.— Tuesday. 

(BKKORE  MR.  T.  II.  ATHKIIDKN.) 
Nor  Mum  -m  HE  FRIGHTENED  OK." 

The  sub-editor  of  the  paper  which 
makes  this  announcement  must  nof 
build  upon  any  former  lenience  of 
Mr.  ATHERDEN'S  to  niemters  of  the 
Press.  

A    paragraph    in    The    Westminster 
Gazette  begins  as  follows  : — 

"The  customer  who  went  into  the  Ludgutc 
Circus,  E.C.,  Poit  Otlicc  for  a  penny  stamp 
yesterday  and  felt  the  insignificance  of  his  order 
when  he  saw  the  messenger  of  a  big  City  firm 
order  78,006  halfpenny  stamps  and  hand  o-.er 
£1(54  in  l  ayment  might  receive  a  somcwh  it 
similar  surprise  every  day." 
But  with  a  really  smart  man  at  the 
head  of  the  firm,  it  couldn't  go  on  long. 
We  ourselves  know  of  a  much  smaller 
post  office  where  78,000  halfpenny 
stamps  can  be  purchased  for  £162  10s. 


234 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  29,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(Bij  Mi'.  1'uncli'ti  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
\\KITKHS  of  random  "  memories"  are  apt  to  pose  rather 
dishonestly  as  authors  of  a  connected  literary  narrative,  so 
that  it  was  not  a  bad  idea  of  Professor  POULTON'S  to  throw 
this  pretence  to  the  winds  and  figure  in  different  parts  of 
the  same  book  in  the  separate  rii/c.v  of  biographer,  essayist 
and  general  remembrancer.     Calling  his  compilation  John 
Viriumu  Jonei,  en  I  other  Oxford  Memories  (LONGMANS), 
he  begins  with  a  sketch  of  the  life  and  work  of  the  late 
Principal  of  Cardiff  University  College,  goes  on  to  various 
recollections  of  Oxford  life  in  the  seventies,  inserts  a  short 
memoir  on  Professor  GEORGE  BOLLESTON,  and  concludes 
with    a    treatise    on    Oxford    Beform    and    the    British 
Examination  system,  which  it  would  ill  become  me  to 
criticise.     His  stories  are  not  always  very  good  ones :  on 
Proctors,  for   instance,  he   makes  the  following  note : — 
"I   remember    ALFRED 
MILNER,  when  a  B. A. .tell- 
ing us   that   he   had   been 
'  proctorized  '  the  night  be- 
fore    and     even    reminded 
that  he  was  still  in  stain 
pupillari.       '  I    was    fully 
aware  of  the  fact,'  he  had 
replied    to    the    Proctor." 
Friends  of  mine  who  have 
met  and  even  been  pursued 
by     these     Erinyes    have 
brought   back  much   more 
interesting  narratives  than 
this.      But   perhaps    Lord 
MILNER  made  up  a  better 
retort  by  the  time  he  paid 
his  fine  next  morning.     On 
the  whole  the  most  interest- 
ing chapters  to  the  profane 
or  lay  reader  are  an  essay 
by  VIRIAMU  JON.ES  on  EDGAK 
ALLAN    POE'S    "  Ulalume  " 
and  some   amusing  recon- 
structions of  debates  at  the 
Union  from  a  period  when, 
amongst  other  fampus  per- 
sonages, the  present  PUIMK 
MINISTER  was  a  speaking 
member.       There    are     no 
very   stirring  accounts   of   athletic   achie\e:nents   in   the 
volume,  but  that  deficiency  will  be  supplied,  I  imagine,  by 
the  present  generation  when   Professor  POULTON'S  own 
son,  the  famous  Bugby  Blue,  becomes  in  turn  a  Becollector 
of  Oxford  days. 


such  justice  to  the  diverse  temperaments  and  complex 
states  of  mind  of  humanity  in  crucial  situations.  It  is  to 
be  observed  that  in  this  case  what  lie  makes  up  in 
thoroughness  he  lacks  in  spontaneity,  that  his  plot 
produces  his  character  rather  than  his  character  his  plot, 
and  that  neither  the  one  nor  the  other  is  strikingly 
original.  But  if  it  is  inevitable  to  criticise,  it  is  by  no 
means  necessary  to  disparage  his  half-yearly  production, 
and  Account  Rendered  (HEINEMANN),  though  nothing  to 
boast  about  as  a  work  of  art,  may  with  all  confidence  be 
recommended  as  a  pastime. 


t-OME    l:ooM.s    IN    A   TYPICAL    LOMIO.N    FLAT,    AS    THEY    WOULD    UK 
.ItEPKESKNTKU  AT  ONE  OF   OUK   PALATIAL   MUSIC-HALLS. 


Let  A.  be  in  love  with  B.,  and  let  B.,  having  no  objection 
to  A.,  but  a  latent  passion  for  C.,  come  into  her  million  and 
a  half;  and  let  D.  be  not  only  the  fond  mother  of  A.,  but 
ilso  in  need  of  a  little  cash  for  her  own  uses ;  and  let  all 
that  is  necessary  to  make  B.  marry  A.  and  finance  D.  be 
a  rumour  of  C.'s  engagement  elsewhere;  and  let  Mr.  E.  F. 
BENSON  be  managing  the  whole  affair;  then  it  is  an 
ssured  thing  that  D.  will  tell  the  essential  lie,  that  she 
ind  A.,  B.  and  C.  will  be  very  much  alive,  and  that  in  the 
course  of  their  history  the  diligent  student  will  learn  what 
notives  conduce  to  what  ends  and  how  one  may  be  com- 
paratively happy  on  fifty  thousand  a  year.  No  one 
[escribes  with  more  relish  and  success  the  big  and  little 
uxuries  of  plutocracy  than  does  Mr.  BENSON,  and  few  do 


In  the  first  chapter  of  Adventure.  (NELSON)  we  are 
introduced  to  David  Sheldon  riding  pick-a-back  "  on  a 
woolly-headed,  black-skinned  savage,"  and  giving  medicine 
to  the  man-eating,  dysentery-stricken  cannibals  employed 
by  him  in  the  Solomon  Islands.  As  Sheldon  was  also 
such  a  very  sick  man  that  these  amiable  cannibals  were 

merely  waiting  an  oppor- 
tunity to  kill  him,  the 
greediest  of  sensation- 
mongers  cannot  fail  to  be 
satisfied  with  Mr.  JACK 
LONDON'S  opening.  In  fact 
all  the  signals  are  down 
for  a  book  of  horrors,  until 
Joan  Lackland  arrives — in 
Chapter  iv.  and  a  boat — 
and  proceeds  to  show  what 
an  American  girl  of  the 
"get  on  or  get  out"  brigade 
can  do.  Joan  had  all  the 
virile,  and  some  of  the 
feminine,  virtues,  and  she 
arrived  in  the  nick  of  time 
to  save  Sheldon's  life ;  but 
I  resented  her  early  appear- 
ance, for  I  could  not  help 
guessing  that  in  spite  of 
head-hunters  and  jealous 
white  men  Sheldon  was 
destined  to  be  her  husband. 
Many  things  happened  he- 
fore  she  said,  "  I  am  ready, 
Dave,"  but  the  thrill  which 
Mr.  LONDON  can  produce 
so  admirably  is  not  in  then). 
Adventure  is  a  good  enough 
story  for  ma  to  read,  but  it  is  scarcely  good  enough  for 
the  author  to  have  written. 


It  needs  some  pluck,  I  think,  to  take, 

Adapt  and  utilise  unwincing 
A  theme  that  SHAKSPEARE  couldn't  make 

In  all  particulars  convincing ; 
Yet  Mr.  F.  J.  BANDALL,  in 

His  latest  novel  (LANE),  essays  it ; 
The  Bermondsey  (he  calls  it)  Twin, 

And,  spite  of  faults,  I  'm  bound  to  praise  it. 

The  theme,  as  you'll  have  guessed,  presents 

Two  brothers,  each  the  other's  image, 
Embarrassing  predicaments — 

A  catch-as-catch-can  sort  of  scrimmage. 
The  thing  's  improbable,  you  '11  say  ; 

It  is,  and  so  's  the  exploitation  ; 
But  Mr.  BANDALL  has  a  way 

Which  lauglis  you  into  admiration. 


5,  1011.1 


PUKCJJ,   OR  TUB   LONDON   CHAR1VAKI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  now  practically  certain  that  tlie 
Coronation  Decorations  in  Piccadilly 

ll  bo  designed  by  Mr.  BRANUWYX 
aud  otlior  artists.  In  decoration  circles, 
we  understand,  this  introduction  of 
actual  artists  is  considered  something 
of  an  intrusion. 


"  The  namo  of  WESLEY,"  says  The 
Daily  Mail,  "  boomed  large  in  the 
musical  scheme  of  tlio  last  Corona- 
tion." The  misprint  is  pardonable. 
Something  is  always  booming  in  our  j 
bright  littlo  contemporary. 

Lord  HAT-DANE  declares  that  he  goes 
rather  reluctantly  to  the  House  of 
Lords.  Wo  would,  however,  respect- 
fully point  out  that  the  promotion  may 
have  its  compensations.  -  If  -one's 
figure  should  ever  be  inclined  to  be 
a  lectio  bit  too  generous,  what  more 
tactful  costume  is  there  than  a  peer's 

robe? 

* ,  * 

Mr.  ASQUITH'S  reply  to  a  question 
from  Mr.  AUSTEN  CHAMBEBBAIN,-"  You 
had  better  wait,"  is  nothing,  like  so 
good  as  his  "  Wait  and  see,"  and  we 
are  not  surprised-  that  it  has  not 
caught  on.  It 's  so  difficult  to  repeat 
a  success. 

*...* 

"  Man,"  says  Dr.  ROBEBT  BELL,  "  is 
the  only  animal  on  the  face  of  the 
earth  who  cooks  his  food,  and  there- 
fora  destroys  its  value."  The  Simple 
Life  movement  is  spread-ing.  Washing 
has  gone,  and  now  it  is  the  turn  of 
cooking. 

*  * 

:|: 

Mr.  F.  W.  HILL,  lecturing  before 
the  Royal  Photographic  Society  on 
"  The  Open-Air  Statues  of  London," 
mentioned  that  the  Waterlow  statue  in 
Waterlow  Park  was  the  only  one  that 
had  an  umbrella.  Since  the  publication 
of  this  statement  the  authorities,  we 
hear,  have  received  quite  a  quantity  of 
o'd  ginghams  from  kind-hearted  ladies 
toi  the  other  statues. 

,;•.    :'f 

A  contemporary  gives  a  description 
of  one  of  Mr.  JOHN  COLLIER'S  Academy 
pictures.  It  represents  FAT.,  and  the 
i-uuas  shows,  we  arc  told,  "  the  nude 
figure  of  a  beautiful  girl  fleeing  through 
:in  orcluud.  The  eyes  are  widely 
opened  with  fear."  Is  it  a  portrayal 
of  K\K  before  she  plucked  the  apple, 
or  after'.'  \vcareasked.  Obviously  the 
latter,  we  should  say,  aud  the  apple 
was  not  ripe. 

••     :: 

At  a  meeting  held  under  the  auspices 
of  the  Selborne  Society  it  was  proposed 
that  a  tract  of  wild  country  should"  be 

\OL.    CXL. 


THE   SEX   QUESTION. 

(A  STUDY  is  BOND  STREET.) 


acquired,  in  which  rare  and  persecuted 
birds  could  find  a  safe  retreat.  The 
only  difficulty,  we  take  it,  would  be  to 
discover  a.  method  for  bringing  the 
sanctuary  to  the  notice  of  such  birds 
as  cannot  read. 

*...* 

A  letter  has  been  sent  to  the  Bo_ird 
of  Agriculture  and  Fisheries,  suggesting 
that  the  plague  of  seals  in  the  \Yasii 
should  be  dealt  with  by  a  cruiser  being 
sent  down  to  shoot  them.  The  Board, 
we  understand,  is  in  favour  of  waiting 
to  sec  the  effect  of  the  mere  threat. 

Frankly,  we  cannot  help  being 
amused  at  the  wearing  of  trousers  by 
women  being  stigmatised  as  improper. 
Suppoi-ing  that  women  had  always 
been  accustome  1  to  wear  trousers,  and 
some  of  them  had  suddenly  appeare  1 
in  skills — surely  that  would  have  been 
held  to  be  even  more  improper  ? 

At  Cardiff  a  lady  has  been  sent  to 
prison  for  ten  months  for  pouring 


paraffin  oil  over  her.  husband  :and 
attempting  to  set  fire  to  him.  As  a 
husband  ourselves,  we  are  glad  that 
at  last  something  has  been  done  to 
discourage  this  foolish  and  dangerous 
practice. 

A  proposal  to  make  meas'es  a 
notifiable  disease  has  hxn  rejected 
by  the  Metropolitan  Asylums  Board. 
This  is  a  richly-deserved  snub  for  the 
measles,  which  have  been  distinctly 
giving  themselves  airs  of  late. 

M.  MESSAGEB,  the  Director  of  the 
Paris  Opera  House,  has,  it  is  said,  just 
engaged  "  the  greatest  tenor  in  the 
world,  Caruso  included."  CARUSO,  we 
understand,  is  of  the  opinion  that  this 
will  be  found  to  be  an  cxaggsration. 

"  No  country  in  the  world,"  says  The 
Outfitter,  "  can  produce  a  silk  hat  of 
such  high  quality  as  the  English."  It 
is  in  what  the  hat  covers  that  we  are 
sometimes  outclassed. 


236 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  £HAliIVAIU. 


5,  1911. 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Beiixj  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 
No.  V.—  THE  CATS  WHO  COULDN'T  MKW. 

THERE  was  wunce  a  boy  and  a  girl  named  Tom  and  Nan 
she  wos  15  yeers  old  and  Tom  wos  tu  weeks  older  than  h(  r 
he  was  17  but  she  wos  hansimer  her  nose  was  strater  and 
not  so  round.  These  2  children  livd  in  a  house  it  wos  jest 
an  ornary  house  with  a  kichen  a  nursry  a  dining  room  a 
libary  and  a  fu  bedrooms  there  wer  other  peeple  in  the 
house  fathers  and  mothers  and  guvnisses  but  we  wont  say 
entiling  about  them  becas  they  don't  cum  in  the  story. 

These  childern  had  2  cats  Santyclaws  brort  them  last 
Crismas  wen  he  came  doun  the  chimly  wun  wos  luking  out 
of  wun  pocket  and  the  uther  wos  luking  out  of  the  uther 
they  were  nise  tortshel  cats  and  thire  names  were  Hariland 
and  Alcherine  Tom  and  Nan  luvd  them  and  fed  them  on 
milk  and  bits  of  fish  and  they  slep  in  a  bastick  in  the 
nursry  they  wer  jest  like  uther  cats  they  skratshd  yur 
fingers  and  plade  with  peeces  of  paper  and  run  after  thire 
tales  and  cliursd  up  the  kurtins  but  the  funny  thing  about 
them  wos  they  never  meewd  most  cats  make  a  horble  nois 
wen  they  get  lorst  in  cubberds  or  wont  to  get  in  at  a 
winder  but  these  cats  dident  they  jest  lukd  at  you  and 
wagd  thire  tales  but  they  never  meewd. 

One  nite  Tom  woke  up  and  sed  wots  that. 

Wots  wot  sed  Nan. 

There  a  nois  sed  Tom  hark  dident  you  hear  it. 

No  sed  Nan  wots  it  like. 

Its  like  peeple  shouting  and  bellering  in  the  nex  room 
sed  Tom. 

I  think  I  herd  a  bit  of  it  then  sed  Nan  quick  quick 
lets  get  up. 

So  they  got  up  and  crep  into  the  nex  room  and  wot 
dyou  think  they  sor. 

"They  sor  Hariland  and  Alcherine  gettin  out  of  thire 
bastick  and  then  they  stud  up  on  thire  hine  legs  and  bagen 
to  take  orf  thire  skins  they  tuk  them  all  orf  and  wen 
theyd  dun  Hariland  wos  a  prinse  and  Alcherine  wos  a 
prinsess. 

Haha  sed  Tom  springing  forwerd  weve  got  you  now  and 
Nan  tuk  hold  of  the  2  skins  and  rolld  them  up  under 
her  arm. 

Wot  have  you  got  to  say  sed  Tom  we  dont  like  cats 
changing  thireselves  like  this  do  we  Nan. 

No  sed  Nan  we  dont  and  wots  more  v,e  wont  have  it. 

Pardon  sir  pardon  sed  Hariland  crying  at  the  same  time 
but  we  dident  meen  it. 

Then  wy  did  you  do  it  sed  Tom. 

Its  the  old  wich  sed  Hariland  she  livs  in  the  worlnut  tree 
and  shes  bewiched  us  weer  properly  cats  but  she  makes 
us  be  a  prinse  and  prinsess  at  nites  when  nobdys  luking  and 
we  dont  like  it  we  want  to  be  cats  all  the  time. 

Lets  hear  you  meew  then  sed  Tom. 

We  cant  meew  sed  Aleherine  all  along  of  the  wich  shes 
stopd  our  meewing  becas  she  sed  she  coudent  bare  the  orfle 
noise. 

Theres  no  use  in  your  been  cats  then  sed  Tom  taking  up 
his  bo  and  arrer  from  the  corner. 

Wei  sed  Hariland  weve  tride  to  kill  the  wich  but  we  cant 
if  youll  kill  her  for  ua  weel  go  on  been  cats  and  meew  tu 
if  you  like. 

How  shall  I  kill  hor  Bed  Tom.  • 

Dip  your  arrer  in  the  creem  sed  Hariland  and  then 
shute  it  into  the  midel  of  the  worlnut  tree  youll  heer  hei 
giv  a  loud  shreek  and  thatl  be  the  end  of  her  and  a  gooc 
riduns. 

Then  Tom  tuk  his   best   arrer  and   he  dipt   it   in  the 


creem  jug  and  shot  it  strate  into  the  midel  of  the  worlnut 
tree  and  then  they  all  wated.  Ferst  they  dident  heer  eny-, 
thing  but  at  last  they  herd  a  littel  teeny  wisper  of  a 
shreek. 

Thats  not  it  sed  Alcherine  you  muster  misst  her. 

No  sed  Tom  Ive  hit  her  olrite  hark. 

And  wen  they  harkd  they  herd  a  reglar  shreek  it  went; 
on  for  ten  minnits  and  then  it  stopd  so  that  was  the  end; 
of  the  old  black  wicli  in  the  worlnut  tree. 

And  wen  the  children  lukd  round  loanbold  the  prinse 
and  prinsess  wos  gorn  and  the  cats  had  cum  back  agen 
jut  they  hadent  got  their  skins  on  then.  Nan  gave  them' 
thire  skins  and  the  cats  wos  very  gratefle  and  put  them  on 
and  crep  back  into  thire  bastick. 

After  this  they  coud  meew  like  enthing  and  there  wos 
ots  of  kittns  evry  yeer. 

Nex  yeer  Tom  and  Nan.  gru  up  and  went  and  livd  in 
anuther  house  but  they  tuk  Hariland  and  Alcherin3  with 
;hem  and  they  never  forgot  the  nite  wen  they  sor  the 
;>rinse  and  prinsess  and  herd  the  old  wich  shreek. 


TO    THE    GOD    OF    LOVE. 

COME  to  me,  Eros,  if  you  needs  must  coma 

This  year,  with  milder  twinges  ; 
Aim  not  your  arrow  at  the  buli'-s-eye  plumb, 
But  let  the  outer  pericardium 

Be  where  the  point  impinges. 

Garishly  beautiful  I  watch  them  wane, 

Like  sunsets  in  a  pink  west, 
The  passions  of  the  past ;  but  0  their  pain ! 
You  recollect  that  nice  affair  with  Jane  ? 

We  nearly  had  an  inquest. 

I  want  some  mellower  romance  than  these, 

Something  that  shall  not  waken 
The  bosom  of  the  bard  from  midnight  ease, 
Nor  spoil  his  appetite  for  breakfast,  please 

(Porridge  and  eggs  and  bacon). 

Something  that  shall  not  steep  the  soul  in  gall, 

Nor  plant  it  in  excelsis, 
Nor  quite  prevent  the  bondman  in  its  thrall 
From  biffing  off  the  tee  as  good  a  ball 

As  anybody  else's ; 

But  rather,  when  the  world  is  dull  and  gray 

And  everything  seems  horrid, 
And  books  are  impotent  to  charm  away 
The  leaden-footed  hours,  shall  make  me  say, 

"  My  hat ! "  (and  strike  my  forehead) 

"  I  am  in  love,  0  circumstance  how  sweet ! 

O  ne'er  to  be  forgot  knot !  " 
And  praise  the  damsel's  eyebrows,  and  repeat 
Her  name  out  loud,  until  it 's  time  to  eat, 

Or  go  to  bed,  or  what  not. 

This  is  the  kind  of  desultory  bolb, 

Eros,  I  bid  you  shoot  me  ; 
One  with  no  barb  to  agitate  and  jolt, 
One  where  the  feathers  have  begun  to  moult — 

Any  old  sort  will  suit  mo.  EVOE. 


Save  us  from  our  Friends. 

"  Mr.  '  Charlie '  Oibbcs  passed  through  Valparaiso  on  Monday  en  route 
from  Collahuasi  to  England.  His  brief  stay  in  this  port  was  regrctte  I 
by  his  many  friends  here."— South  Pacific  Mail. 

Next  time  the  must  go  straight  through. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— Ai-im.  r>.  1911. 


"DELIGHT   OF   BATTLE   WITH   HIS  PEERS. 


<  • 


THE  VISCOUNT  HALDANE   (aloud,  in  hearing  of  the  horse).    "NOW  FOR  THE  POST  OF  DANGER! 
(Aside)    I  SHALL  FEEL   MORE  COMFORTABLE   WHEN  THE  FIVE   HUNDRED  COME   UP." 


5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


239 


Child  (dur,'ny  jpau'.t  iii  sad  tony  rendered  with,  much  c.rpresswn).  "On,  MUMMY,  THE  POOR  LADY  HEUSKLF  ISN'T  LIKI.XO  IT  EITIIKK  ! ' 


ANCESTOR  WORSHIP  EXTRAORDINARY. 

A  NEW  biography  of  CHARLES  II.  is 
promised  for  immediate  publication  by 
Messrs.  STANLEY  PAUL  &  Co.  "Tbe 
author,"  we  are  informed  by  the 
publishers,  "is  Miss  DOROTHY  SENIOR, 
who  claims  descent  from  CHARLES  II. 
She  has  entitled  her  work  The  Gay 
hunt,  but  she  endeavours  to  show 
that  beneath  the  superficial  gaiety  of 
CHAHLKS  there  was  a  deep  vein  of 
melancholy." 

Simultaneously  with  tbis  gratifying 
announcement  we  have  received  intima- 
tions of  a  somewhat  similar  character 
from  several  other  leading  publishers. 

Thus  a  new  memoir  of  HANNIBAL,  the 
celebrated  Carthaginian  general  (dux 
Oarthaginiensis,  as  dear  old  LIVY  has 
it)  is  announced  by  Messrs.  Odder  and 
Odder.  The  author  is  Miss  Dido 
Barker,  who  is  a  collateral  descendant 
of  the  famous  warrior,  and  has  brought 
to  her  task  an  hereditary  affection 
coupled  with  literary  ability  of  a  high 
"ider.  Her  biography  connects  the 
famous  incident  of  the  manner  in 
which  her  ancestor  crossed  tho  Alps 
with  his  having  at  one  time  been  a 
large  denier  in  Tarragon  vinegar 
during  his  sojourn  in  Spain,  but  she 


endeavours  to  show  that  beneath  the 
superficial  acidity  of  his  manner  there 
was  an  exuberant  vein  of  frolicsome 
humour. 

Miss  Ida  March,  so  we  learn  from 
a  communique  just  issued  from  the  firm 
of  Thicker  and  Thicker,  has  now  com- 
pleted her  exhaustive  monograph  on 
JULIUS  CJESAR.  As  Miss  Ida  March 
claims  descent  in  an  unbroken  line 
from  the  tyrannicide  BRUTUS,  it  would 
be  too  much  to  expect  that  she  should 
take  as  favourable  a  view  of  the  great 
Roman  as  that  embodied  by  the  late 
Mr.  FBOUDE  in  his  famous  appreciation. 
The  title  of  her  work,  Great  Casar's 
Ghost  !  sufficiently  indicates  the  view- 
point from  which  Miss  March  ap- 
proaches her  task.  At  the  same  time 
she  in  no  way  subscribes  to  the  popular 
theory  that  0«BAB  was  an  austere  or 
strait-laced  man.  On  the  contrary, 
she  aims  at  showing  that  underneath 
his  somewhat  grim  features  there 
lurked  an  element  of  diablerie  for 
which  we  look  in  vain  in  the  pages  of 
his  laconic  Commentaries. 

Special  interest  attaches  to  the  long- 
promised  biography  of  WILLIAM  THE 
CONQUEROR  which  Messrs.  Pougher  and 
Blower  hope  to  publish  in  Coronation 
week.  It  is  from  the  pen  of  Mr. 


Otho  Long-i'-th'-Nose,  who  traces  his 
descent  from  the  great  Duke  of 
NORMANDY  through  Rebecca  FitzMoses, 
the  morganatic  wife  of  WILLIAM 
RUFUS.  Although  his  Norman  sym- 
pathies arc  natuiaUy  pronounced,  Mr. 
Long-i'-th'-Nose  makes  no  attempt  to 
whitewash  his  ancestor,  yet  en- 
deavours to  show  that,  underlying  his 
semblance  of  ruthless  force,  there  was 
a  deep  vein  of  almost  "  sloppy " 
tenderness. 

The  Dickens  Stamp. 
The  popularity  of  the  above  move- 
ment has  led  to  the  association  of 
other  pedestrian  gestures  •  with  Iha 
names  of  writers  of  genius.  Thus,  the 
following  vogues  are  shortly  to  be 
established : — 

THE  BELLOC  GLIDE, 

THE  COBELLI  SKIP, 

THE  BART  KENNEDY  Hoi1  (TWO-STEP), 
AND 

THE  BEOBIE  BUMP. 


"A  group  of  well-known  racing  men  suappcd 
at  Rrooklands.  The  names  front  left  to  ii;lit 
aie  W.  H.  Baslmll,  A.  Bisliall.  J.  T.  Buhall, 
and  J.  H.  Slaughter." — Motor  Cycling. 

We  are  not  over-sensitive  about  names, 
but,  frankly,  this  looks  very  bad. 


240 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  5,  1911. 


THE   CELEBBITY. 

I  GOT  into  a  third-olaM  carriage 
about  one  hundred  miles  from  Town, 
and  that  is  how  we  met.  He  was  the 
only  other  occupant  of  the  carriage — a 
nice  clean  old  rustic,  with  a  patriarchal 
beard.  I  sat  down  opposite  him,  and, 
producing  a  newspaper  from  my  pocket, 
began  to  read. 

After  a  time  I  became  aware,  sub- 
consciously, that  the   old   fellow  was 
,  perusing  the  other  side  of  the  paper 

which  faced    him.     Soon  he         

begau  to  fidget  and  to 
show  signs  of  some  little 
excitement.  I  was  the  first 
to  speak.  I  had  finished  the 
front  page  and  wished  to 
get  on  to  the  second,  but, 
realising  that  the  other 
reader  might  be  in  the  thick 
of  a  very  entertaining  para- 
graph, 1  enquired  politely, 
"May  I?"  At  that  he 
cried,  "  Accuse  me,  Sk, 
accuse  me,  but  that 's  Me!  " 
(I  give  his  lingo  throughout 
to  the  best  of  my  recollec- 
tion, but  cannot  guarantee 
its  accuracy,  for  I  am  not  an 
expert  in  dialects  and  have 
no  memory.) 

*  How  do  you  mean  ?  "     I 
asked. 

"  Why  that, Sir!"  and  he 
pointed  to  an  advertisement 
of  "  Professor  Ball's  Sweet 
'Essence  of  Anti-Rheum."  I 
still  looked  puzzled,  and  he 
specified  a  portrait— a  "  muz- 
zotrat " — over  a  testimonial, 
signed  "  William  Backstreet,'' 
entitled  "  Cured  after  Eighty 
Years*!  Suffering."  ."  That  'a 
me !  "  hecried  triumphantly ; 
"I  am  a  Celebbity."  I 
looked  at  the  portrait  and 
I  looked  at  the  old  man. 
The  latter  might  have  been 
the  rough  design  for  the 
former.  I  had  never  quite 
realised  before  that 
"  cures ''  were  real  people,  and  might 
be  met  in  the  flesh. 

"  Yes,  that 's  very  interesting,"  I  said; 
"1  see  the  resemblance." 

"  My  old  'oman  says  I  get  more  like 
every  day,"  remarked  my  travelling 
companion. 

Well,  you  must  persevere,"  I 
said,  and  with  that  I  thought  the 
incident  had  closed.  But  no,  the  old 
man  was  not  going  to  let  the  matter 
drop. 

It 's  a  wonderful  fine  thing  to  be  a 
Celebbity,  Sir,"  he  continued.  "  I'm 


and  my  old  'oman  likes  goin'  out  with 
mo.  Still  I  don't  let  it  make  me 
uplifted,  Sir — but  it 's  a  mighty  fine 
ftvlin'  to  be  a  Celebbity — to  be  in  the 
papers  along  o'  the  KINO  and  Lord 
CHARLES  BKKUSFOUD  and 'AERY  LAUDER 
and  SANDOW,  and  the  rest  o'  the  nobs. 
All,  my  old  'oman  thinks  summat  o' 
me  now,  and  I  don't  gee  so  much 
naggin'  from  'er  as  I  used  to.  And  the 
other  women  's  that  jealous  of  'er  cos 
she  's  married  to  a  Celebbity  !  Ah, 
women  's  funny  cattle." 


It  would  have  been  churlish  to  go  on 
reading  my  paper.  "And  how  did  it 
all  come  about '.'"  I  asked. 

"  Ah,  that  be  a  long  tale,  Sir.  You 
see  I  was  well  known  up  our  way  for 
my  rheumatiz,  even  afore  this.  And 
one  day  the  Genkleman — what  was  'is 
name,  Sir?  I  can  never  memory  it." 

"  Professor  Ball's  Sweet  Essence  of 
Anti-Rheum,"  I  said. 

"  Ah,  you  're  a  knowing  one;  that  's 
it.  Well,  'e  call  when  I  was  out 
a-work,  and  'e  give  my  old  woman 

.  a  bottle  for   me   for  to  try. 

And    then     'e    calls     arter- 
wards,   and  asks    if   I  feels 
better,    and  I    tells    'im    as 
maybe   I    does.     It  v;as  one 
o'     my     good    clays    it     so 
j  'appened.     I  didn't    tell  'im 
1 1   'adn't    swallered   'is    mix- 
[  tur'.     You  see  I  don't  never 


Scotch  Sexton  (who  hat  shuwu  vld  lady  occr  church  and  followed  her  to 
the  gate  without  getting  a  tip}.    "WEEL,   MA  LEDOY,   GIN  YE  FIND 

WHEN   YE  GANG   IIAME   YE 'VE   LOST   YEJl    PURSE,    YE 'l,I,    MEBBE    MINU 
YE   DIDNA   1IAE   IT  OOT  HERE." 

these  ~ 


He  was  overestimating  the  interest 
I  took  in  him,  but  I  had  to  listen. 

"  Yes,  my  old  'oman  's  married  to  a 
great  man,  she  is.  There  's  only  one 

.     t  *  T  .  •  •* 


I  take  no  physics,  Sir.  I  don't 
'old  with  'em.  I  ain't  'eld 
with  'em  since  the  show-up 
of  Dr.  Smith's  Cure-All." 

"Oh,  what  was  that?"  I 
asked. 

"  Why,  I  used  to  take 
that  reg'lar,  Sir,  until  a 
paper  what  never  printed 
'is  adwertisings  showed  'im 
up.  It  seems  'e  wasn't  really 
no  doctor  at  all,  Sir,  and  'e 
first  brought  'is  stuff  out  as 
a  Happetising  Sauce  for 
whittles,  and  it  didn't  ketch 
on  as  that,  an'  'e  then  turns 
it  into  a  'Air  Lotion,  but 
folks  complained  as  it  was 
too  sticky,  an'  then  'e  ad- 
wertises  it  as  a  Cure-all,  and: 
it  goes  off  like  'ot  cakes — 
until  the  paper  gives  it  away. 
The  pigs  'ad  the  rest  o' 
mine." 

"  Ah,"  I  said. 

"  Well,  the  Genkleman,  Sir, 
'e  told  me  'is  mixtur'  'ad  done 
me  a  power  o'  good,  and  o' 
course  it  wasn't  for  the  likes 
'o  me  to  argufy  with  an  ocldi- 
cated  genkleman  in  a  'igh  'at. 


ever  'ad  "is  pictur'  in   a  paper 
an'  that   was  Feyther's  cousin 
'E  was  a  clurk,  and  'o  'ad  to  do 


the  talk  of  my  part  o'  the  country,  and 

,    1  .  **      A          I,  J    '  -"—v^««j£f«unjfT  Ut    V       1»_FA       1  U     ,        »>Ut         J. 

-nvied.     Folks  all  points  at  me, !  come  by  my  pictur'  honourable,  Sir." 


of  us 

afore, 

John. 

somethink  to  money  to  get 's  pictur'  in 

the  papers.     I  'm  no  scholard,  Sir,  and 

I  can't  tell  you  what    'e   did   to   the 

.money,  but  the  word  made  a  noise  like 

••'a  bumble-bee." 

"  Embezzled,"  I  suggested. 

"  Ah,  you  're  a  clever  un.     That  was 
it.     And  'e  got  put  away  for  it ;  but  I've 


An'  'e  was  a  vary  knowin'  genkleman. 
'E  seemed  to  know  at  wonst  I  wasn't  a 
teetotum,  and  we  ups  and  goes  to  the 
King's  'Ead.'  And  then  the  Ganklemaa 
brings  out  the  letter  for  me  to  signify." 

"  You  must  have  earned  the  Professor 
a  good  many  hundred  pounds,"  I  said. 

"  And  if  I  'ave,  I  don't  begrudge  it 
'im,  Sir,  for  'e  was  a  very  nice  ffenkle- 
man  .  .  .  Ah,  I  often  wish  my  Feyther 
was  alive,  Sir.  There  was  two  of  us, 
James  and  me,  and  Feyther  always 
called  me  the  stoopid  one,  yet  'ere  's  me 
'a  Celebbity,  and  James — oo  's  ever  'card 
of  James,  Sir?  'Ave  you  ever  'card  of 
James  Rackstreet,  Sir?" 


AIBIL  5,  1911.] 


ri'NCir,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


211 


^^  - 


GuMcisnij.c.  "Oo,  PLEASE— WILL  YEU  uus  IN— THE  BLOKE— WOT  PINCHED  MY  CAT  <  ' 
Policeman.  "Wuois  HE!"  . 

Guttersnipe.  "Oi  DUSSO— nur  YOU  CAN  "AVE  YOUNG  BILL  'ERE  AS  A  CLUE.    THE  IILOKK  LEIT  'is  FiNtiEu-puiNTs  ON  THE 
FICE  : " 


I  shook  my  head. 

Tho  train  was  slackening,  and  the 
old  man  rose — with  difficulty.  "  I  gets 
out  'ore,"  he  said. 

The  train  drew  up  with  a  jolt,  and 
the  old  man  groaned.  "  Ah,  that 
jerkin 's  bad  when  you  're  a  mass  of 
rli'-umatiz,"  he  explained  as  he  bade 
mo  Good  Day. 


THE  OFFICE  PAIN. 


afmlogies  to  the  sjiriyhlly  para- 
is'  »f  "  The  Daily  Chronicle.") 

WHAT  a  strange  world  it  is,  to  be 
sure  !  Last  week  it  was  quite  fine,  and 
a  day  or  so  later  we  were  buttoning  up 
our  coats  and  shivering  as  though  at 
the  North  Pole.  No  wonder  that  the 
Aiiu-ncan  said  that  England  had  no 
climate,  cnly  samples.  There  is,  how- 
i'\iT,  no  use  in  grumbling,  and  this 
writer  has  always  found  consolation  in 
the  old  couplet  : 

"  \Vii''t-licr  il  's  cold  or  whcthi'r  it   s  i 
You  'vc  f.;ot  to  \MMtlior  it,  whether  or  not." 

\Vli:.l,   howt>\  ;•!-,   ho  has  never    rightly 
mulct-stood  -is  how  the  last  "  whether" 


should  be  spelt.     Should  it  be  "  whether  | 
or  not"  or  "  weather  or  not  "  ?     At  the 
Club  lunch  opinion  is  divided,  but  the 
ablest  man  there  inclines  to  "whether," 
as  in  the  version   above.        Asked   to 
state    his   reason,   he   replied,   "  Wild 
wethers  wouldn't  extract  it  from  me." 
•::•   -::•   -;;- 

When  you  come  to  think  of  it  the 
great  bore  about  life  is  dressing.  If 
we  could  rise  from  our  beds  in  the 
morning,  like  dogs,  all  ready  for  the 
day,  and  retire  as  easily,  and  never 
have  the  need  of  a  new  coat  of  hair, 
how  easy  everything  would  be  !  At  the 
same  time  it  must  be  admitted  that  a 
now  coat  is  by  no  means  unknown  to 
our  canine  friends,  and  at  this  moment 
the  writer's  coat  is  covered  with  hairs 
from  one  of  his  pets.  Such  a  state  of 
things  naturally  did  not  pass  without 
comment  at  the  Club  lunch,  where, 
after  various  sarcasms  had  been  dis- 
charged, the  whole  company  joined  in 
the  hymn,  "  Dare  to  be  a  Spaniel." 


Descending  yesterday  from  his  bus, 
writer  was  requested  by  a  news- 


paper boy  to  purchasa  the  latest  edition. 
Although  totally  lacking  any  military 
distinction,  the  writer  was  addressed  by 
the  boy  as  "  Keptin, "  and  the  question 
arises,  why  does  it  please  a  civilian,  no 
matter  what  he  is,  whether  grocer  or 
journalist,  to  have  a  military  title 
conferred  upon  him  ?  An  interesting 
volume  could  be  written  upon  this 
particular  human  foible.  Referring  to 
the  matter  latar  in  the  day  at  the  Club 
lunch.this  writer  obtained  some  valua- 
ble suggestions.  But  it  was  left  for  t!io 
Club  lunch  wit  (as  usual)  to  say  the 
best  thing.  "  The  reason  why  we  like 
being  called  '  major,' "  he  said,  "  is 
that  we  know  ourselves  to  be  so  


minor. 


It  has  often  been  asked  why  this 
column  (conducted  by  this  writer)  is 
called  "  The  Office  Pain."  No  one  who 
has  ever  eaten  the  Club  lunch  can  fail 
to  understand  the  reason. 


NEW  TITLE  FOR  LORD  HALDA.NE  : — 
The  All-British  Schopenhauer. 


242 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APBIL  5,  1911. 


COMMEMORATION. 

"  IF  this  is  spring,"  said  Jeremy — 
"b-r-r-r-r — give  me  —  give  me  —  well, 
give  me  the  matches,  anyhow." 

"Catch, "said  Mrs.  Jeremy.  "And 
tell  me  the  news,  if  there  is  any." 

Jeremy  lit  his  pipe  and  began  to 
explore  the  paper. 

"There  is  a  most  important  announce- 
ment about  the  Coronation  that  I  caught 
a  glimpse  of  a  moment  ago,"  he  said, 
"  only  it  keeps  on  slipping  past  me. 
Ah,  here  it  is — in  large  print.  '  Book 
your  seats  for  the  Coronation  now  !  ' 
What  do  you  think  of  that  ?  " 

"Oh,  Jerry,  shall  we  book  three 
seats' now?" 

••  Two  seats,"  said  Jeremy. 

"  Jeremy! "  said  his  wife  indignantly. 
"  Have  you  forgotten  Baby  ?  " 

"I  don't  think  Baby  wants  to  go. 
She  hasn't  said  anything  to  me  about 
it." 

"You  don't  understand  her,  that's 
what  it  is.  I  told  her  all  about  it 
yesterday." 

"  If  she  could  only  say  '  Gee-gee,'  " 
said  Jeremy,  "  that  would  be  some- 
thing.'  I  mean  it  would  keep  her  busy 
while  the  procession  was  on.  As  it 

"  She  did  say  '  Gee-gee '  once." 

"  Not  in  a  -competition — only  in 
practice.  That  doesn't  count." 

"  But  think  how  nice -it  would  be  for 
her  when  she's  grown  up  to  be  able  to 
say  that-sjie  remembers"  seeing  GEORGE 
THE  FIFTH'S  Coronation."  ~. 

"She  won't  remember  it.  People 
never  remember  things  that  happened 
to  them  before  they  were  one.  That 's 
what  makes  it  so  nice  to  own  quite  a 
young  baby.  You  don't  have  to  be  so 
careful." 

"  But  of  course  we  should  tell  her  that 
she  saw  it." 

"  I  shall  probably  tell  her  that  any- 
how. You  get  the  same  results  at  less 
expense.  I  don't  think  you  realise, 
dear,  how  expensive  it's  going  to  be." 

"  I  suppose  it  depends  where  we  see 
it  from?" 

"To  a  certain  extent  I  suppose  it 
does.  Some  places  are  fairly  cheap. 
For  instance,  here  is  something  for 
forty  pounds  the  day  in — oh,  well,  it 
isn't  actually  on  the  best  part  of  the 
route — in  Willesden." 

"  I  don't  think  I  've  ever  been  to 
Willesden,"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy. 

"  Then  we  shall  be  able  to  bring  off 
the  double  event  in  one  day — Willesden 
and  the  Coronation." 

"  I  think  I  'd  rather  be  a  little  nearer, 
dear,  if  it 's  possible." 

"  Well,  what  about  Brixton  ?  Here 's 
a  house  at  Brixton  being  given  away 
in  Coronation  week  for  five  hundred 


guineas.  Within  several  miles  of  the 
procession.  Can  you  see  three  or  four 
miles,  dear  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know,  I  've  never  been  to 
Brixton." 

"  You  don't  seem  to  have  been  any- 
where. You  should  travel,  darling.  Now, 
have  you  ever  heard  of  Hampstead  ? 
For  a  thousand  pounds  you  can  get  an 
upper  part  in  Hampstead,  from  which  a 
view  of  St.  Paul's  Cathedral  and  other 
points  along  the  route  can  readily  be 
obtained." 

"  It's  going  to  cost  a  lot  of  money," 
sighed  Mrs.  Jeremy. 

"  It  is  indeed.  Aren't  you  glad  now 
that  we  decided  not  to  take  Baby? 
Oh,  look  here,  this  is  all  right!  Two 

guineas  a  week !  It's  in Oh,  that's 

too  far  off.  We  must  draw  the  line  at 
Devonshire.  Oh,  I  see,  I  've  got  on  to 
the  wrong  column.  It's  for  Easter." 

.  "  I  suppose,"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy,  "we 
couldn't  go  up  for  the  day  and  stand 
in'  the  crowd,  and  get  back  here  the 
same  night  ?  "  ,.- 

.."I  don't  know.  I'm  full  of  loyalty, 
but  six  hours  in  the  train  and  six  more 
in  the  gutter  in  a  broiling  sun — or  a 
beastly  blizzard,  or  whatever  weather 
it  is — will  strain  my  loyalty  to  the 
breaking  point.  How  would  Baby 
like  to  be  woken  up  that  night  by  a 
Republican  father  ?  " 

"  Then  we  won't  go.  We '11  celebrate 
it  in  the  country  by  ourselves." 

"Eight,"  said  Jeremy.  "And  I  will 
now  take  a  brisk  walk  round  the  gar- 
den and  work  out  something  brilliant. 
Loyal  but  brilliant." 

He  finished  his  paper,  read  one 
column  over  again,  and  then  walked 
thoughtfully  out  into  the  garden.  In 
spite  of  the  bitter  wind  he  strolled 
down  the  deserted  pergola  and  stood  a 
moment  looking  at  the  little  stream 
which  divided  the  lawns  from  the 
cabbages.  Then  he  surveyed  the 
herbaceous  border  with  a  careful  eye, 
nodded  his  head  three  times,  and  came 
back  into  the  house  at  a  brisk  trot. 

"  My  dear,"  he  said,  bursting  enthusi- 
astically into  his  wife's  room,  "  I  have 
it !  Put  on  all  the  clothes  you  've  got 
and  come  out  with,  me."  He  dashed 
into  his  dressing-room  and  dashed  out 
again,  doing  up  buttons.  "  Six  of  my 
knitted  waistcoats  are  missing,"  he 
said.  "If  I  catch  a  chill  it  will  be  be- 
cause I  could  only  find  four.  Come  on." 

When  they  got  outside,  Jeremy 
paused.  "This  is  a  momentous  occa- 
sion," he  said.  "I  rather  think  we 
ought  to  have  Baby  here.  Is  it  too 
cold  for  her?" 

"Much,"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy  firmly. 

"  Then  we  '11  waive  that  point.  Now 
then,  this  is  my  idea.  We  are  agreed, 
are  we  not,  that  we  ought  to  celebrate 


KING  GEORGE'S  coronation  in  a  loyal 
and  lasting  manner?" 

"We  are." 

"Very  well.  Then  this  is  how  we'll 
do  it.  You  see  this  silly  pergola,  with 
its  ugly  wooden  posts  and  grass  walk 
leading  to  nowhere?  We'll  pull  it 
down  and  replace  it  with  nice  stone 
pillars  and  gravel.  How  does  that 
strike  you  ?  " 

"Beautiful,  dear." 

"'Beautiful'  is  the  word.  Then  this 
bridge  over  the  stream.  It 's  nothing 
but  an  old  log.  Now  what  do  you  say 
to  a  nice  stone  bridge  into  the  kitchen 
garden?  " 

"  That  would  be  rather  sweet." 

"  You  see,  what  I  feel  is  that,  as 
things  are,  a  person  approaching  from 
the  cabbages  might  easily  miss  the  sun- 
dial at  the  top  of  the  herbaceous 
border  simply  because  he  didn't  know 
it  was  there.  Even  if  he  did  know 
and  wanted  to  get  to  it  he  might  fall 
off  the  bridge  into  the  stream  on  his 
way.  Now  if  we  have  this  strong 
stone  bridge  first,  then  the  broad  gravel 
walk,  and  then  turn  the  herbaceous 
border  into  a  macadam  road,  why  then 
nobody  would  have  any  excuse  for  not 
getting  to  the  end  of  it." 

"  All  the  same  the  sun-dial  is  rather 
pretty." 

"  Yes,"  said  Jeremy ;  "  I  feel  that 
that  is  the  weak  part  of  the  scheme. 
Perhaps  we'd  better  have  an  iron 
summer-house  there  instead." 

When  the  great  Coronation  scheme 
had  been  thoroughly  explained  to  her 
and  they  were  before  the  fire  again, 
Mrs.  Jeremy  said,  looking  up  from  the 
paper : 

"  You  were  being  sarcastic  just  now, 
weren't  you,  dear?  " 

"Yes,"  said  Jeremy,  "  but  I  shall  be 
all  right  after  lunch." 

"Well,  but  what  is  your  idea  of  a 
beautiful  EDWABD  Memorial?  " 

"Oh,  I 'don't  know,"  said  Jeremy. 
"  I  think  I  should  re- turf  the  Mall  and 
pull  down  Buckingham  Palace." 

A.  A.  M. 


The  Way  to  Promotion. 

From   a  poster  outside  the  London 
Scottish  Headquarters : — 

"A  BEGIMEXTAL  WHIST  DRIVE 

Under  the  patronage  of  the  Commanding  Officer 

(Promoted  by  the  Sergeants  of  the  Battalion).1' 

It 's  well  to  keep  in  with  the  sergeants, 
if  you  're  an  ambitious  officer. 

"  Even  more  strange,  however,   is   that  he 
writes  from  the  top  to  the  bottom  of  the  paper 
instead  of  from  right  to  left,  as  most  people  do." 
••  Weekly  Dispalclt. 

We   too   must    be  very   peculiar — for 
that 's  just  what  we  do. 


APHIL  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


243 


DERRING-DO. 

As  it  is  I  have  a  bad  cold  in  the  head 
and  it  might  have  been  much  worse. 
Also  I  feel  that  I  cannot  now  marry 
Diana.  For  that  however  I  care  little  ; 
she  has  no  nice  feelings  and  would 
make  but  an  indifferent  wife. 

It  was  a  few  days  ago  that  I  went  a 
solitary  walk  upon  the  sands.  The  sea 
was  rough  and  there  were  few  people 
about.  It  is  a  little  difficult  to  explain 
what  I  was  doing.  My  readers  will 
think  it  was  a  somewhat  childish  pro- 
ceeding. The  fact  was,  I  was  amusing 
myself  by  approaching  to  the  very  jaws 
of  a  wave  and,  when  it  broke,  en- 
deavouring to  escape  it.  The  practice 
requires  no  little  skill  and  dexterity 
and  is  moreover  attended  by  some 
considerable  personal  risk ;  but  that  is, 
of  course,  an  element  in  all  true  sport 
and  makes  us  Englishmen  what  we 
are. 

So  absorbed  was  I  in  this  occupation 
that  in  the  very  midst  of  a  critical 
.retreat  I  had  the  most  hairbreadth 
escape  from  being  run  over  and  killed 
by  Diana,  who  came  prancing  up  on  a 
beastly  horse.  I  uncovered  and  asked 
her  with  biting  sarcasm  whether  she 
had  bought  the  sea-shore. 

Being  at  a  loss  for  a  telling  repartee 
she  panted  and  made  a  great  show  of 
being  out  of  breath.  "  Glorious ! 
glorious !  "  she  shouted  at  last,  brush- 
ing the  golden  hair  out  of  her  eyes. 
"  James,  why  do  you  never  come  and 
ride  with  me  ?  " 

I  said  that  my  stud  of  horses  was 
wintering  in  the  South  of  France. 

"You  can  hire  one,"  she  replied; 
"  but  I  believe  you  "re  afraid." 

I  confess  that  I  had  no  leaning 
towards  equestrianism,  but  her  sug- 
gestion put  me  on  my  mettle.  "  I  "m 
not,"  I  said ;  "  I  'm  as  brave  as  two 
lions." 

So  we  arranged  a  ride  for  the  follow- 
ing morning,  and  she  scampered  off, 
covering  me  with  sand  from  head  to 
foot. 

The  next  day  accordingly  found  me 
at  the  livery  stables  with  a  riding-crop 
under  my  arm.  I  spoke  to  the  seedy 
individual  in  charge.  "  I  want  a  small 
tame  horse,"  I  said. 

"  Yes,  Sir,"  quoth  he,  and  thereupon 
presented  me  with  an  enormous  animal, 
which  moveover  had  a  roving  eye  that 
was  exceedingly  distasteful.  I  never 
realized  before  how  large  horses  are. 

"  Can  you  ride,  Sir  ? "  he  asked 
impertinently. 

"  Can  I  ride  ! "  As  a  matter  of  fact 
I  did  not  know,  as  it  was  my  first 
experiment,  though  I  work  a  car  rather 
decently.  However  I  had  seen  people 
mount,  and  grasping  a  bunch  of  its 


THE   UNDEFEATED   SALESMAN. 

"THAT  STOSB,  SIB,  WAS  THE  BYE  OF  AN  IDOL." 

"WHEUE'S  TUB  IDOL?" 

"RETURNED,  SIR,  TO  THE  HEATHENS  TO  PREVENT  COMPLICATIONS. ' 


hair  in  my  left  hand  -I  vaulted  lightly 
into  the  stirrup.  The  ostler  then  put 
in  some  assistance  and  I  presently 
arrived  upon  its  back. 

"  Where 's  the  brake? "  I  asked. 

He  gave  me  a  sinister  grin. 

"  'Orses  don't  'ave  no  brikes,"  he  said. 

A  feeling  of  disquiet  came  upon  me, 
but  as  I  went  gently  down  the  High 
Street  on  the  first  speed  I  gained  con- 
fidence. 

"  People  talk  a  lot  of  rot  about 
learning  to  ride,"  I  thought. 

At  the  next  moment  a  tram  passed 
and  the  brute  got  automatically  into 
its  second  gear.  With  great  prompt- 
ness I  pulled  the  reins  and  it  stopped 


dead  and  sneezed  so  violently  that  I 
all  but  slid  down  its  neck. 

For  some  time  we  remained  station- 
ary and  then  a  bystander  very  kindly 
started  it  again  for  me. 

After  that  I  soon  found  that  I  had 
the  beast  well  under  control,  and  took 
several  corners  in  good  style. 

On  reaching  the  "  Laurels,"  Diana's 
abode,  I  was  in  a  quandary.  It  seemed 
impossible  to  dismount,  but  how  else 
could  I  ring  the  bell  ?  Fortunately  they 
have  no  silly  front-door  steps,  and  after 
some  skilful  manoeuvring  I  managed 
to  ring  it  with  my  foot.  As  soon  as 
the  door  opened  my  horse  made  a 
foolish  attempt  to  enter  the  vestibule 


244 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Arn:r.  5,  1911. 


<f~ 


Time —Early  Sjrring,      Weather — Wintry. 
Jt,  hahl  Spectator  (to  energetic  Territorial  busily  flag-wagging).  "FASSis*  YEKSELV,  CAP.IXC?' 


or  lobby.  The  trim  maid  retreated  in 
alarm.  With  great  presence  of  mind  I 
grasped  some  ivy  that  grew  upon  the 
wall. 

At  that  moment  Diana  opened  a 
window  above  me. 

"  Leave  your  horse  outside,  James ; 
surely  you  know  it  isn't  etiquette — 

"  I  did  not  intend  the  horse  to  enter," 
I  protested.  "I  trust  sincerely  it  is 
not  eating  the  umbrellas.  It  is  almost 
beyond  my  power  to  control  its  actions, 
for  it  is  very  wild.  I  fear  I  must 
abandon  it  and  climb  into  the  ivy." 

However,  at  this  point  the  horse 
suddenly  tired  of  the  interior  and  backed 
out  of  its  own  accord. 

Diana  was  tactless  enough  to  suggest 
again  that  I  should  dismount. 

"  I  cannot  descend,"  I  said.  "  It 
would  leap  from  my  hands  if  I  did  and 
speedily  be  lost  in  the  woods.  It  is  a 
horse  of  the  most  deplorable  character." 

Diana's  steed  was  shortly  brought 
round  from  the  stables,  and,  after 
putting  her  arms  about  its  neck  and 
kissing  its  ear,  she  was  mounted  by  a 
groom,  and  we  set  forth. 

For  a  time  all  went  well.  I  rode 
along  beside  her  at  a  gentle  pace  and 
told  her  how  frightfully  pretty  she  was 
and  how  her  horse  matched  her  hair. 

We  were  a  striking  couple  as  we 
rode  through  the  town.  Small  wonder 
that  the  people  on  the  tram-cars  leant 


over  the  side  as  one  man  to  look  at  us. 
My  only  anxiety  was  lest  my  horse 
should  sneeze  again. 

However,  when  we  reached  the  sea- 
shore, another  difficulty  beset  me. 

Diana  suggested  that  we  should 
gallop. 

"  Gallop,"  I  said.  "  Yes — perhaps. 
The  only  thing  is,  I  don't  think  my 
horse  does  that." 

"  Then  I  should  heat  him  till  he  does," 
she  answered  helpfully. 

Somehow  I  felt  opposed  to  this  course. 

"  Do  you  know,"  I  said,  "  I  think 
kindness  is  the  better  treatment.  If 
you  beat  a  horse  it  doesn't  under- 
stand ;  it  only  resents  it." 

"  Well,  let 's  try,"  she  said,  and,  lean- 
ing over,  she  gave  it  an  enormous  bang. 

What  exactly  happened  I  don't 
know,  but  the  sands  whizzed  round 
me,  the  sky  appeared  to  vanish  into 
the  sea,  and  the  next  moment  I  was  in 
the  middle  of  a  large  wave. 

When  I  sat  up  I  found  myself  drift- 
ing about  in  the  surf,  while  Diana  was 
on  the  shore,  lying  upon  her  horse's 
neck  and  shouting  with  laughter. 

I  might  have  been  willing  to  forgive 
the  girl  for  her  senseless  joke  had  she 
not  subsequently  made  me  a  present 
of  a  bucket  and  spade.  In  the  cir- 
cumstances I  feel  that  the  only  possible 
course  is  to  stand  on  my  dignity. 


LOYALTY  UP-TO-DATE. 

[Mr.  WALTER  ISAAC,  an  official  of  a  mysterious 

league  for  the  alolit'on  of  tlie  Lords'  Vi-tu,  is 
siid  to  have  issued  a  circular  previous  to  the 
opening  of  Parliament,  calling  uion  the  people 
to  I:n3  the  streets  as  His  Majesty  went  by  ;  and 
by  adding  tj  their  loyal  shout*  of  "Hod  savo 
the  King"  vociferations  of  "'and  down  with  tl.e 
Lords,"  show  that  this  t'me  the  Government 
meant  business.  If  the  gentleman  propjscs 
similarly  to  improve  the  shining  hour  at 
Coronation-tiir.e,  the  following  amended  version 
of  the  National  Anthem  miy  be  just  the  tiling 
he  wants.] 

GOD  save  our  gracious  KING, 
And  above  everything 

Down  with  the  Lords  ! 
Prosper  the  Government, 
Steel  them  lest  they  rehnt, 
Oh  !  let  their  bows  be  bent, 

Guide  their  good  swords. 

Long  live  our  CHANCELLOR, 
May  he  hold  office  for 

Ages  untold. 

Long  may  his  righteous  hand 
Govern  (and  tax)  our  land, 
Gathering  kudos  and 

Publican  gold. 

Down  with  the  Veto  crew, 
And  with  Protection  too  ; 

Crush  the  vile  thing ! 
Hasten  the  gloiious  day 
Of  single  chamber  sway — 
Oh,  yes!  and,  by  the  way, 

God  save  the  KINO. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONKON   CHARIVARI.— Arim.  5.  1911. 


QUID   PRO   QUO. 


MR.    JOHN    REDMOND.    "SUPPOSE    I    MUST    PATRONISE    THIS    ESTABLISHMENT.     I    SHALL 
WANT    THE    COMPLIMENT    RETURNED    NEXT    YEAR    WHEN    I    START    MY    ALL-REDMOND 

snow." 


APRIL  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,    OR   TIIK    LONDON    CHAIMVAIM. 


247 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTKACTKI)  I  I-.OM  THE  DlAKV  OK  TolIY,    .M.I'.) 

Houseof  Commons, Monday  March  27. 

CoriotU  how  sudden  impulse  unex- 
pectedly seix.es  a  man,  embarking  him 
on  enterprise  which  when  he  rose  in 
the  morning  was  far  from  his  mind. 
Here 's  AINSWORTH,  for  example,  one  of 
best  groomed  men  in  the  House,  has 
decorated  it  theseeight  years  and  not  dis- 
turbed its  serenity  by  making  a  single 
speech.  With  characteristic  originality 
when  he  broke  the  spell  he  chose 
unauthorised  opportunity.  Generally 
understood  that  there  exists  ancient  or- 
dinance forbidding  making  of  speeches 
at  Question  time.  Nothing  easier,  few 
proceedings  more  frequent,  than  eva- 
sion of  this  rule.  If  in  course  of  Ques- 
tion hour  a  Member  rose  and,  address- 
ing the  MINISTER,  remarked,  "I  should 
like  to  inform  the  right  honourable  gen- 
tleman that  two  .and  two  make  four," 
there  would  be  angry  shout  of  "Order! 
Order ! "  SPEAKER  would  interfere,  and 
the  rule-breaker  would  have  to  resume 
his  seat.  But  if  he  put  his  great  thought 
into  interrogative  form,  thus:  "Is  the 
right  honourable  gentleman  aware  that 
two  and  two  make  four?"  he  would 
be  perfectly  in  order.  The  Minister 
would  reply  at  greater  or  less  length ; 
other  Members  below  and  above  the 
Gangway  would  nip  in  with  supple- 
mentary questions;  and  the  SPEAKER 
would  benevolently  preside  over  regular 
debate. 

AINSWORTH,  by  this  time  quite  an 
elderly  young  Member,  \vell  aware  of 
this  regulation.  Observed  it  throughout 
the  greater  part  of  his  speech.  In  fact, 
it  was  somewhat  inartistic  deference 
to  formula  that  led  to  his  downfall. 

Occasion  of  this  memorable  address 
appropriate  in  its  noteworthiness. 
Captain  WARING  asked  SECRETARY  TO 
TREASURY  "  whether  he  is  aware  that 
the  method  of  assessing  licence  duty 
on  the  basis  of  alcoholic  trade  done  has 
the  approval  of  the  licensed  trade  in 
Scotland  as  the  fairest  way  of  raising 
the  money  required ;  and  whether,  in 
view  of  the  fact  that  the  licensing  law 
in  Scotland  has  always  differed  from 
that  which  obtains  in  England,  he  will 
consider  the  advisability  of  adopting 
a  different  system  of  assessment  in  the 
present  case  ?  " 

HOBHOUSE,  Martha  of  the  Treasury 
Bench,  troubled  about  many  things, 
made  due  answer.  From  midway 
along  the  Front  Bench  below  Gang- 
way on  Ministerial  side  rose  the  good 
grey  head  of  the  Member  for  Argyll- 
shire. But  WAKING'S  conundrum  had 
excited  emulation  in  several  parts  of 
the  House.  When  others  jumped  up 
AINSWORTH,  pink  of  courtesy,  always 


ready  to  efface  himself,  dropped  l>nrl 
in   his   seat.      Debate   carried   a   little 
further  ho   rose  again,  and   this   time 
caught  the  SPEAKER'S  eye. 

licgan  his  address  very  well,  intro- 
ducing it  with  the  consecrated  formula : 
"Is  the  honourable  gentleman  aware 

that ?"   Went  on  with  his  Secondly 

and  Thirdly  safeguarded  by  similar  de- 
vice. There  was  some  murmuring  at  his 
Fourthly ;  had  he  not  been  so  absorbad 
in  the  profundity  of  problem  set  forth 
in  original  question  he  would  have  noted 
ominous  rustling  in  SPEAKER'S  Chair. 

Where  he  made  mistake  was  in 
reiterating  the  phrase  "  Also  whether  " 
when  introducing  fresh  section  of  the 


NIPPED  IN  THE  BUD— AS  IT  WERE  ! 

The  maiden-speech  of  the  Member  for  Argyll- 
shire entirely  ruined  by  the  unfeeling  interven- 
tion of  the  SPEAKER  ! 

(Mr.  J.  8.  AIXSWORTII.) 

speech.  If  he  had  varied  it  on  turning 
to  his  fifth  point,  all  might  have  been 
well.  When  once  more  it  resounded 
the  SPEAKER  was  on  his  legs  with 
stern  cry  of  "  Order !  Order ! "  AINS- 
WORTH dropped  back  in  his  seat  with 
suddenness  that  recalled  action  of  the 
American  gentleman,  whose  name  I 
for  the  moment  forget,  who  in  the 
course  of  animated  conversation  received 
in  the  abdomen  a  chunk  of  red  sand- 
stone. 

Eegarded  as  a  maiden  speech  it  was 
full  of  promise,  which  the  House  will 
look  forward  with  interest  to  see 
fulfilled  on  some  not  far  distant 
occasion. 


done.  —  PREMIER  moved 
Resolution  authorising  use  of  guillotine 
with  view  to  completing  Budget 
business  before  close  of  financial  year. 
Under  its  provisions  Report  stage  to  be 
accomplished  on  Wednesday ;  Third 
Reading  taken  forthwith.  Opposition 
bitterly  complain  that  allotted  time  is 
insufficient.  Accordingly  they  make 
denunciatory  speeches  which,  com- 
mencing at  a  quarter  to  four,  conclude 
at  sound  of  dinner-bell  ringing  at  eight 
o'clock.  Having  thus  occupied  more 
than  four  hours  lamenting  inadequacy 
of  time  for  dealing  with  important 
subject,  House  emptied,  something  like 
scoreof  Members  remaining  to  deal  witli 
Bill  in  Committee.  Progress  reported 
at  2.27  A.M. 

Tuesday. — At  a  moment  when  union 
of  hearts  between  Irish  Nationalists 
and  Liberals  seems  on  verge  of  con- 
summation unhappy  incident  arises 
that  threatens  to  undo  labour  of  many 
months.  From  question  addressed  to 
POSTMASTER-GENERAL  by  Mr.  CRUMLEY 
it  appears  that  on  the  17th  inst.,  being 
St.  Patrick's  Day,  a  tyrannous  post- 
master, hireling  of  Saxon  Government, 
ordered  a  telegraph  messenger  boy  to 
remove  a  bunch  of  shamrock  from  his 
cap.  When  not  engaged  in  direction 
of  Imperial  affairs  at  Westminster,  the 
Member  for  South  Fermanagh  carries 
on  the  business  of  a  butcher  in  Ennis- 
killen,  the  ancient  and  renowned  city, 
scene  of  this  alleged  outrage.  Pretty 
to  see,  as  Mr.  PEPYS  was  wont  to 
observe,  how,  when  sternly  addressing 
the  hapless  POSTMASTER-GENERAL,  Mr 
CRUMLEY'S  hands  moved  with  almost 
imperceptible  gesture  as  if  he  were 
sharpening  a  knife  on  a  steel. 

Had  already  privily  engaged  POST- 
MASTER-GENERAL'S attention  on  subject. 
What  he  now  desired  to  know  was 
whether  the  Minister  "  has  yet  com- 
pleted his  enquiries  into  the  matter; 
whether  he  found  the  allegation  to  be 
true ;  and  if  so  "  (observe  the  variety  of 
interrogation  in  contrast  with  AINS- 
WORTH'S  slavish,  fatal  adherence  to  his 

also  whether  ")  "  how  has  he  dealt  or 
proposes  to  deal  with  the  postmaster 
who  so  far  exceeded  his  duty  ?  " 

The  INFANT  SAMUEL  met  with  plain 
unvarnished  tale  this  damaging  charge, 
which  has  shaken  South  Fermanagh  to 
its  centre  and  threatens,  as  hinted,  to 
break  up  the  entente  cord  iale  between  the 
Irish  Members  and  Downing  Street.  The 
boy,  it  appeared,  had,  in  excess  of  pat- 
riotic zeal  presented  himself  at  the  post 
office  all  on  St.  Patrick's  morning  not 
only  with  a  sprig  of  shamrock  in  his 
button-hole  but  with  a  generous  wreath 
twined  about  his  cap.  The  postmaster 
felt  the  line  must  be  drawn  somewhere. 
Raised  no  objection  to  the  buttonhole. 


24S 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


1911. 


'  NAPOLEON  B."  sadly  passes  the  House  of  Commons  en  route  for  the  L.rJs. 
(Viscount  HALDANE.) 


But,  really,  before  the  boy  went  forth 
to  convey  a  sixpenny  telegram  the 
wreath  must  be  discarded.  This  was 
done,  and  before  night  fell  Enniskillen 
was  on  the  verge  of  rebellion. 

POSTMASTER-GENERAL'S  explanation 
received  in  silence  in  Nationalist  camp. 
Not  certain  we  have  heard  last  of 
matter,  or  of  its  possible  influence  on 
fortunes  of  Ministers. 

Business  done. — Budget  Bill  through 
Committee. 

House  of  Lords,  Thursday. — "  So 
your  friend  NAPOLEON  B.  HALDANE  has 
gone  to  Elba,  eh?  "  said  the  MEMBER 
FOR  SABK.  "  Perhaps  it  would  be  more 
exact  to  say  to  St.  Helena,  for  he  can 
never  come  back  again." 

SABK  here  lacks  something  of  his  habi- 
tual accuracy.  Removals  of  the  other 
NAPOLEON  B.  were  compulsory,  conse- 
quent upon  failure.  HALDANE'S  peerage  • 


is  a  mark  of  special  favour,  reward  of 
supreme  success.  Its  price  is  placed 
above  rubies  by  the  universal  acclaim 
hailing  announcement.  Liberals,  Con- 
servatives, Nationalists,  Labour  Mem- 
bers, whatever  we  be,  we  are  each  all 
one  in  our  homage  to  the  new  VISCOUNT'S 
capacity. 

In  the  Commons  gratification  is 
modified  by  reflection  that  we  shall  no 
more  be  sunned  by  his  presence  on 
Treasury  Bench,  nor  hear  again  his 
lucid,  if  occasionally  lengthy,  exposition 
of  the  art  of  making  an  Army,  Terri- 
torial or  otherwise. 

Outside  the  range  of  one  or  two 
families,  aristocratic  and  commercial, 
advancement  in  House  of  Common 
is  exclusively  due  to  sheer  merit. 
Thus  HALDANE  won  his  way,  at  first 
slowly,  his  pace  quickening  when  once 
'•  ho  got  into  stride.  Eemember  how 


ittle  more  than  a  scovo  years  agoi 
.iis  rising  from  bench  behind  that  on 
which  MR.  G.  arH  his  colleagues  sat 
:iad  effect  of  dinner-bell.  Members 
streamed  out  with  confident  assurance 
;hat  if  they  returned  any  time  within 
an  hour  they  would  not  lose  opportu- 
nity of  hearing  something  of  what  the 
Member  for  Haddingtonshire  had  to  say. 

His  first  marked  success  was  dis- 
played in  the  eas_  and  swiftness  with 
which  he  carried  through  some  useful 
Bills.  In  the  late  Eighties  Mr.  BIGGAU 
was  in  full  career  as  an  Obstructionist. 
[lis  shrill  "  I  'bjeet  "  rang  out  when- 
:ver  a  Member,  official  or  private, 
sought  to  make  progress  with  a 
Bill  after  midnight.  HALDANH  had 
much  at  heart  a  measure  he  with 
characteristic  brevity  named  "The 
Land  Purchase,  Registration,  and 
Searches  Bill."  Midnight  had  struck, 
and  in  accordance  with  Standing  Order 
;hen  in  vogue  no  opposed  business 
might  be  taken.  With  a  pair  of  spec- 
tacles adding  last  touch  of  benevo- 
lence to  his  countenance,  with  pancil 
in  right  hand,  copy  of  the  Orders 
firmly  grasped  in  his  left,  Mr.  BIGGAR 
sat  on  guard  in  his  familiar  place  below 
Gangway.  He  had  only  to  utter  his 
magic  formula  and  HALDANE  and  his 
Registration  Bill  would  lose  their  oppor- 
tunity. To  the  amazement  of  the 
House,  he  said  never  a  word,  and  the 
Bill  passed  through  Committee. 

Whether  HALDANE  had  privily 
suborned  him  and  by  what  process  are 
secrets  the  new  Viscount  has  carried 
to  the  House  of  Lords. 

Still  young  as  statesmen  are  rated, 
Lord  HALDANE  may  have  fresh  triumphs 
in  store.  His  renown  will  last,  broadly 
based  on  his  services  to  the  Army 
which  equal,  if  they  do  not  exceed, 
those  associated  with  tho  name  of 
CARDWELL. 

Business  Done.  —  Viscount  HALDANE 
takes  the  oath  and  his  seat. 


PARTY.—  On  the  13th  inst,  a 

rabbit  hunting  party  consisting  Mr.  Hiiieno, 
Mr.  Shiniizudani,  Chamberlains,  and  other 
ofh'cials  in  the  Household  Department,  proceeded 
to  the  Imperial  hunting  reserve  at  Narashino, 
Chiba  prefecture.  Taking  local  hunters  as  guides, 
the  party  at  once  commenced  hunting  with  nets, 
catching  10  rabbits  during  the  day.  In  the 
course  of  hunting,  an  old  fox  suddenly  appeared 
and  was  killed  with  a  stick  by  Mr.  Shimizudani, 
while  Mr.  Harada  who  separated  from  the  party 
shot  8  pigeons  in  the  adjacent  woods."  —  Japan 
Times. 

A  nice  mixed  bag.  And  so  home  to  teai 
brave  hearts. 


"  Renter  wires  from  Teheran  that  two  Eng 
lishmen,  Messrs.   Kay  and  Haycock,  travelling 
in  the  direction  of  Teheran,  liave  been  robbed  of 
everything  north  of  Ispahan." — Times  of  Iiuliii. 

Let 's  hope  that  some  of  the  south  o£ 
Ispahan  remains  intact. 


IT.Nril,    OR   THE   LONDON   C1IARIVAIM. 


249 


WHAT  ARK  vou  o,u,s  D0,sc  r  AN    AWFUL   CONTINGENCY. 

OUIt  COSTUMES   FOR  THE  SlIAK.SI'EARE   BALL,    MoTHEB." 

AT  ANY    MOMENT  TO 


DUTY  AMONG  THIEVES. 
ANOTHER  ARGUMENT  FOR  A  TARIFF. 

[Even  the  poor  British  burglar  was  notallowed 
I  .  lany^oii  liis  trade  without  coni|ietition  from 
a! ii-iud."— Recent  speech,  received  with  laughter.] 

WHO  '11  buy  a  jemmy?  who  would  like 

An  outfit  with  a  good  connection, 
Complete  witli  lantern,  filo  and  tyke? 

I  and  my  mates  are  out  on  strike  ; 

We  want  a  tndtier  where  there  's  more 
protection. 

What  profit  now  to  crouch  and  crawl, 
RiskVig  the  most  acute  lumbago  ? 

I 1  's  ten  to  one  that,  after  all, 
You  come  in  time  to  see  the  haul 

Being  transplanted  by  a  nasty  Dago. 
But  there  it  is.  If  English  folk 

Condemn  the  methods  we  have  hit  on, 
Would  rather  have  their  houses  broke 
By  some  dishonest  foreign  bloke 

Than  see  it  managed  by  a  healthy 
Briton, 

All  right.     But  if  it  isn't  that ; 
if  you  prefer  a  man  who  washes, 


Who  wipes  his  feet  upon  the  mat 
Before  he  saunters  round  the  flat, 
To  some  foul  oaf  with  mud  on  his 
goloshes, 

Let 's  have  it  down  in  white  and  black, 

A  Duty  on  our  burgling  neighbour. 
While  there  are  British  cribs  to  crack 
And  British  thieves  retain  the  knack, 
Let 's  have  them  cracked  by  honest 
British  labour  ! 

THE  HONOUR  OF  THE  NAVY. 
MR.  PUNCH, 

SIR, — As  an  Imperialist  I  feel  that  I 
am  almost  entitled  to  encroach  upon 
your  valuable  space  and  appeal  through 
you  to  the  Naval  Authorities,  begging 
them  to  mark  this  "year  of  years," 
as  The  Daily  Mail  so  aptly  puts  it,  by 
some  alteration  in  the  dress  or  equip- 
ment of  the  Navy. 

Why  should  the  Army  alone  have 
fivsli  buttons  and  braids  and  caps,  etc., 
every  other  month,  and  the  Navy  re- 
main completely  neglected  in  slatit  quo  ? 


Only  to-day  I  see  in  my  morning 
paper  that  Infantry  officers  in  future 
are  to  exchanga  the  plain  red  sash 
for  a  handsome  cummerbund  of  gold 
and  red  (price,  £5  15s.  Od.  spot  cash, 
to  £7  7s.  Od.  credit). 

What,  I  ask,  has  been  done  for  the 
Navy  ?  Absolutely  nothing !  The  last 
honour  conferred  upon  the  Senior  Ser- 
vice was  after  the  death  of  NELSON, 
when  the  men  were  given  a  black  sash 
and  three  white  lines  on  their  collar  to 
denote  his  three  great  victories.  Surely 
the  introduction  of  the  Torpedo  might 
have  suggested  an  alteration  in  the 
cocked  hat,  whilst  the  launching  of  the 
Super-Dreadnoiitjht  would  have  been 
an  excellent  opportunity  for  a  further 
row  of  gold  lace  all  round. 
I  am, 

Yours  obsdiently, 

"  DISINTERESTED." 

(From  Messrs.  Heave  and:  Hitch, 
Naval  Outfitters.  Card  enclosed  not 
necessarily  for  publication  but  as  a 
guarantee  of  good  faith.) 


350 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  5,  1911. 


THE   RECOGNITION. 

I   HAVE    not    always    lived    in   the 
co-mtrv.     Once  upon  a  time  I  lived  in 
l,,m,l«m.     When  1  lived  in  London  I 
mil  man)'  friends.     Sometimes  I   re- 
U'r  them.  Sometimes  they  remem- 


MT  me. 

It  was  not  really  a  fog.     My  tram 
had  only  attained  that  exact  degree  of 
lateness  which  betokens  a  fog  for  the 
following  day.    The  Strand  was  hazy  ; 
the  air  was  raw.     I  walked  quickly. 
"  JIullo  I  "  cried  a  voice  at  my  elhow. 
Hullo  !  " 

1  stopped  and  glanced  back.  He 
came  forward  and  held  out  his  hand. 
I  took  it. 

"  By  Jove,"  he  exclaimed.  Fancy 
meeting  you  again  here!  The  very 
last  man  I  expected  to  see!  Talking 
about  you  to  the  wife.  only  yesterday  ! 
Know  1  'm  married,  don't  you  '? 

No,"  I  replied  quite  truthfully,  " 
didn't." 

Well,    how   are  you  ?  "    he    con- 
tinued. "  How  do  you  like  the  country  ? 
Ton  my  soul,  you  haven't  changed  a 
bit  !     Seen  any  of  the  boys  lately  ?  " 
What  boys?    Whose  boys?" 
asked,  hoping  for  a  clue  to  his  identity. 
"Why,   all    the    old   crowd.     Why 
didn't  you  let  me  know  ?     We'd  have 
had  a  rare  old  time." 

His  face  seemed  dimly  familiar  to 
me.  I  had  met  him  somewhere 
'before. 

"  I  'm  awfully  sorry,"  E  said. 
know  you,  of  course,  but  I  'm  hanged 
if  I  can  think  what  your  name  is  for 
the  moment." 

He  stepped  back  a  pace  and  lookec 
at  me  in  pained  reproof.  "  Well,' 
he  exclaimed,  "  I  never  thought  yoi 
would  forget  me!  If  I'd  been  asked 
—  oh,  well  -  !  " 

"  What  is  your  name  ?  " 
"  I    shan't     tell    you,"    he    replied 
shortly.     "  If  you  can't  remember  me 
I  'm  not  going  to  help  you." 

"  Well,  then,  where  did  we  meet 
Tell  me  that." 

"  Warwickshire.  Do  you  remember 
me  now  ?  " 

Yes  —  I  remembered  him  then,  per 
fectly. 

"  Great  Scott  !  "  I  cried.     "  Of  coursi 
I  do  !     It  's  years  since  we  met  !  " 
"Time  does  move,"  he  assented. 
"  It  's  Captain  Brimmacombe,  isn' 
it?" 

"  That  's   me,"  he  replied,  drawing 
himself  up.     "  I  thought  you  'd  remem 
her  me  all  right." 

"  Of  course  you  were  in  pink  las 
time." 

"  Pink  what  ?  "  he  inquired  —  an 
then  added  hastily,  "Oh,  yes.  o 
course  I  was  I  " 


Out  with  the  Tamworth  beagles, 
h  ?  Two  stags  that  day,  wasn't  it  ?  " 
And  nearly  another,"  amended 
Brimmacombe.  "-Very  nearly  another." 
'Only  it  got  to  earth  and  we'd 
no  ferrets,  so  we  rode  back  from  the 
meet  and  had  a  snipe  drive  at  Lord 
Blackacre's." 

That's  it,"  cried  Brimmacombe. 
'  Lord — how  it  all  comes  back  to  one. 
There  weren't  many  huntsmen  could 
ouch  vs  that  day  !  Not  much !  "^ 

Done    much    hunting   lately  ? "    I 
nquired. 

He    shook    his     head     mournfully. 
My  days  with  the  dogs  are  over,"  he 
•eplied.     "  I  was  thrown  off  my  horse 
,nd  had  to  very  reluctantly  give  it  up." 
"  Split  your  infinitive,  didn't  you  ?  " 
"  I  did.     Hospital  for  six  weeks,  and 
iad  to  leave  the  Army." 
"  What  regiment  was  it  ?  " 
"  Ugh ! "  he  shuddered, "  it 's  cold  out 
lere.      Come    in    and   have   a  drink, 
ust  one.     I  never  have  more  than  one 
a  the  middle  of  the  day.     Must  have 
something  to  warm  one  in  this  weather. 
Ugh  I  " 

I  learned  a  great  deal  about  British 
sport   during  that   one   drink — and   a 
great  deal  that  was  new  concerning 
rack  cavalry  regiments. 

<K Shall  we  do  as  they  do  on  board 
ship?"  inquired  Brimmacombe  when 
our  glasses  were  empty.  "Just  the 
one  drink  and  toss  who  pays  for  it?" 
He  produced  a  handful  of  silver  coins 
and  counted  them,  turning  one  or  two 
over  in  the  process.  "  Seven.  That 
right.  You  call." 

He  turned  his  hand,  palm  down- 
wards, over  the  coins.  "  Shall  we  have 
a  bob  on  it,  too  ?  Just  for  luck." 

"Why  not  half-a-sovereign  ? "  ] 
suggested. 

Done,"   he    shouted.     ""You    call 
that 's  fair  enough,  eh  ?     You  call." 
My  eye  fell  on  the  glass  door  of  the 


in    amazement 
"  there  is  Lore 


bar-room.  I  stared 
"  By  Jove !  "  I  cried, 
Blackacre  !  1 11  bring  him  in  !  " 

The    day   was    raw  and  I   walkec 
quickly.     I  don't  know  Warwickshire 
1  don't  know  anyone  of  the  name  o: 
Brimmacombe;    I    don't    know  Lore 
Blackacre.     I  know  that  I  had  onlj 
met  this  old  friend  once  before.     Tha 
was  three  years  ago  at  the  same  spot 
and    I   lost   the   toss.     I   know    that 
on  the  present  occasion,  when  I  lef 
him,   three  of  the   coins  beneath   hii 
palm  lay  with  their  heads  uppermost, 
and  three  with  their  tails  on  top.     I 
don't  know  how  long  the  seventh  one 
stood  on  its  edge  between  his  fingers. 


DOUBLE-FACED  DEVOTION. 

IE  was  a  poet  of  the  minor  kind, 
He  felt  the  thrill  of  springtime  stir 

his  blood, 
The   country   called   him,  though   hie 

polished  mind 
Abominated  mud. 

lo  took  a  cab  (the Tube  his  temper  trie? 

Electric  manners  were  a  thought  too 

brisk), 
And  fared  to  a  suburban  country-side 

To  see  the  lambkins  frisk. 

With  tasselled  tails  that  flicked  at  every 

bound, 

With  juvenile  and  fascinating  "baas," 
With  arching  backs  they  bucked,  and 

romped  around 
Their  undisturbed  Mammas. 

And,  as  the  fleeces  frolicked  with  a  will, 
Through    their    spectator's    inmost 
bosom  swept 

A  gush  of  sympathetic  joy,  until 
He  very  nearly  wept ; 

And,  filled  vicariously  with  vernal  youth, 
Eeturned,  to  render  as  a  poet  can 

In  dithyrambic  verse  the  artless  truth 
That  lambkins  teach  to  man. 

Nor  could  they  tempt  him  from  his 

proof-strewn  den 
To  take  his  tea  or  snatch  a  moment's 

rest 

Until  on  foolscap,  with  a  fountain  pen, 
He  'd  got  it  otf  his  chest. 

When,  later,  pale  but  satisfied,  he  dined, 
His  words,  curt  and  compendious, 
were  these 

(They  show  the  poet's  latitude^of  mind), 
"  The  mint-sauce,  if  you  please." 


Great  Thoughts. 

"The  lock-out  of  cotton  operatives,  following 
on  the  partial  strike  of  the  workers,  has  come 
to  au  end  through  the  meditation  of  the  chair- 
man of  the  District  Council." — Times  of  India. 

He  seems  to  have  had  a  strong  thinking 
part,  something  like  Lord  Burleigh's. 


"Hitter  E.  sat  biting  a  pen  with  his  census 
paper  before  him.  '  What  is  your  age,  Mrs.  K.  <' 
'  34  years.'  '  I  should  not  haie  believed  it.  Do 
you  know  that  the  united  ages  of  yourself  and 
me  equals  exactly  the  united  ages  of  our  two 
children,  and  that  the  united  ages  of  myself 
and  the  younger  child  is  the  sum  as  that  of 
yours  and  the  eldur  child  s?  Altogether  our 
ages  amount  to  96  yea  3  '  Can  any  reader 
give  the  age  of  each  ol  the  f  mr  members  of  the 
family  ?" — From  "  1'es  or  No." 

Yes,  we  can.     Mr.  E.,  if  the  above  is 
to  be  believed,  is  14,  and  his  younger 


I  don't  know  what  he  said  when  he  [  child  is  34,  the  elder  child  being  only 
paid  for  the  drinks.  1 14.      But   if   he   starts   filling   in   his 

But  I  do  know  that  we  shall  never  census  paper  like  that  he  '11  get  him- 
meet  again.  '  self  into  trouble. 


ArniL  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE- LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


AN    ERROR    IN    DIET. 

Gw  KNUOLKN,  it  apj>cars,  is  exti< 
annoyed  with  i: .•«,• :  but,  soiry  a -i  I  ain, 
llii'  mistake,  I  maintain,  was  ju-,t  one 
of  those  which  nii^ht  have  been  made 
by  anybody.  There  was  no  doubt  that 
In  -I  rabbit  \vas  getting  monstrously  fat 
(wh  n  it  was  lirst  given  to  her  on  her 
ninth  birtbday  it  was  I  who  suggested 
calling  it  Bernard,  on  account  of  its 
vegetarian  dirt ;  but  as  time  went  on  it 

became  clear  that  Gilbert  would  have 
been  a  more  appropriate  name).  Any- 
how, si ie  seems  to  regard  me  as  a  kind 
of  UIH\  fai  her  to  it,  and  in  some  way 
nspoiisible  for  its  behaviour.  We  had 
just  scroll  it  consume  something  like  its 
own  weight  in  lettuce  and  cabbage 
le:i\e^,  with  an  occasional  monkey-nut 
thrown  in  to  vary  the  monotony,  and 
it  still  seetncd  ravenously  hungry.  Its 
e\es  were  glassy  Lut  determined. 

I  What  it   wants,"    1    saui    at    last, 
"is   some   exercise;      wi^it.    can    you 
expect  when  it's  cooped  up  like  that? 
You  ought  to  take  it  out  on  a  lead  every 
morning." 

"  lint  then  some  big  do^  might  get 
it,"  she  objected. 

"  It  would  have  to  be  a  very  big 
one,"  I  said.  "  Besides.  I  don't  suppose 
any  dog  would  take  it  for  a  rabbit 
at  all :  with  those  lop  ears  and  that 
waist  measurement  it  would  probably 
be  mistaken  for  one  of  the  pigmy 
elephants  that  explorers  see  in  Africa. 
By  the  wav,  how  long  have  you  had 
it?" 

"  A  year  and  a  half,"  she  told  me, 
"and  when  it  came  it  was  only  a  teeny 
— just  so  high.  And  Nurse  says  they 
live  eight  years,"  she  added  rather 
solemnly. 

II  In  that  case,"  I  said,  "  by  the  time 
you  're  seventeen   it  will  have  eaten 
you  out  of  house  and  home.     You  will 
have  to  have  a  new  stable  built  for  it. 
Still,  it  might  liavj  been  worse,  you 
know.    Suppose  it  had  been  a  tortoise: 
they  live  for  a  thousand  years,  and  a* 
that  rate  of    growth,   if   the   present 
Government  were  still  in,  just  think  of 
the  land-taxes  your  descendants  would 
have  to  pay." 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  're  talking 
"  said  Gwendolen. 

"  No,"  I  said,  "  I  suppose  not.  By 
Jove,  though,  I  have  it :  ths  very  thing." 

On  my  way  home  I  bought  a  bottle  of 
"  Makelene,"  that  infallible  remedy  for 
reducing  the  nYsh  which  forms  (if  one 
may  judge  from  the  advertisements) 
almost  the  sole  topic  of  conversation 
on  golf-courses  and  skating-rinks  and 
even  at  receptions  and  balls.  I  judged 
that  it  would  meet  Bernard's  case 
exactly. 

About  three  weeks  later  I  had  a  letter 


"HOW   DO  TOU    LIKE  TUB   VlCAK?" 

"Nor  AT  ALL;    HE  'a  sj  FAT — AND  iji  LENT,  TOO!" 


from  Marjorie  (she  is  Gwendolen's 
sister  and  about  three  years  older). 
"  I  am  writing,"  she  said,  "  because 
Gwendolen  is  too  angry.  We  gave 
Bernard  that  stuff  you  sent,  and  he  is 
worse  than  ever.  We  have  to  feed  him 
aH  day  long,  and  he  is  grown  about 
two  inches  all  round.  Nurse  says  he 
couldn't  eat  more  if  he  was  a  Christian, 
and  he  will  probably  die  of  eplplexy." 
This  was  very  puzzling.  Could  those 
advertisements  have  lied  7  And  then 
a  wave  of  horror  swept  over  me.  I 
went  into  my  bedroom  and  found  it 
was  only  too  true.  The  "  Makelene" 
was  still  there.  I  had  accidentally 
sent  Bernard  a  bottle  of  "  Robusto," 
the  great  nerve-tonic  and  appetite- 


'.  restorer,  which  (in  common  with  the 
crowned  heads  of  Europe)  I  have  been 
j  taking  lately.  Well,  well.  Bernard  is 
\  evidently  one  of  thosj  who  have  great- 
j  ness  thrust  upon  them.  I  have  not 
|  dared  to  ask  for  any  more  reports  of 
i  him — there  is  only  too  much  fear  that 
i  the  next  may  be  the  last,  ami  possibly 
,  a  very  loud  one. 


"The  galling  of  the  designation  of  the  12th 
Pioneers,  the  Kelat-I-Chilz&i,  Rejfiment,  shall 
bo  the  12th  Pioneer*,  the  KeUt-I-Chilzai  Regi- 
ment, to  accord  with  the  form  of  8|*lling  noti- 
fied in  Army  Dt'iuirtmr-nt  Notification  No.  1079, 
dated  the  30th  !>«•  -mber,  1910,  for  the  honorary 
distinction  Ke!at-I-lihilzai."— The  I'ion-cr. 

What  was  the  trouble  ? 


252 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  5,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  LADY  PATRICIA." 
I  HOPE  Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW  will 
snatch  a  little  leisure  from  his  arduous 
compositions  to  go  to  the  Haymarket 
Theatre  and  see  this  delightful  comedy 
of  mock-sentiment.  He  will  there  find 
how  the  thing  should  be  done.  Paradox, 
but  without  too  crude  an  insistence 
upon  this  ancient  device ;  ridicule,  but 
never  in  the"  wrong  place,  nor  offensive 
to  possible  prejudices ;  freedom  from 
long-winded  homilies  on  extraneous 


attractions  not  too  obvious,  but  sup- 
posed to  be  of  an  intellectual  order, 
seeks  diversion  in  the  pursuit  of  his 
opposite,  a  young  barbarian  by  whom 
her  best  lyrical  utterances  are  character- 
ised as  "  corking."  The  fact  that  she 
is  at  pains  to  keep'  this  affair  secret 
from  a  husband  of  whose  devotion  she 
is  confident,  seems  to  her  mind  to 
sanctify  the  intrigue,  which  for  the 
rest  is  sufficiently  innocent.  The  hus- 
band, in  turn,  seeks  distraction  in  the 
pursuit  of  her  opposite  —  a  sporting 
flapper,  indifferently  responsive.  He 


one  another's  arms.  They  succeed  ; 
and  the  Dean,  threatening  to  embody 
in  his  morrow's  sermon  a  treatise  on 
conjugal  perfidy  drawn  from  his  per- 
sonal observations,  brings  the  married 
couple  to  their  knees.  In  the  Deanery 
garden,  an  unusually  picturesque 
frame  for  a  confessional,  each  is 
admitted  to  a  knowledge  of  the  other's 
indiscretion,  and  the  play  ends  with 
the  promise  of  a  reluctant  reunion  on 
the  old  intellectual  basis. 

Mrs.  PATRICK  CAMPBELL  was  ador- 
able as  Lady  Patricia  and  spoke  every 


Michael  Cosicay 
(Mr.  AiiTiH'u  WONTNKR). 


CHANGING 

Clare  Lesley 
(Miss  ATHENE  SEVLEK). 


PABTNERSI. 

Bill  O'Farrcl 
(Mr.  CHARLES  MAUDE). 


Lady  Patricia  Cositvy 
(Mrs.  PATRICK  CAMPBELL) 


themes  and  from  intrusion  of  the 
author's  own  personality ;  humour, 
and  everything  else,  kept  under 
restraint  and  in  the  service  of  the  main 
design — add  to  these  virtues,  positive 
or  negative,  a  very  fresh  and  original 
setting,  and  you  have  in  Lady 
Patricia  a  model  for  the  makers  of 
light  comedy. 

It  had  its  defects,  but  they  were 
almost  unavoidable.  A  certain  me- 
chanical repetition  of  situations  was 
necessary  to  a  schema  made  up  of 
parallels.  But  these  echoes  were  of 
the  very  essence  of  the  irony  of  things. 
Lady  Patricia,  who  has  married 
Michael  Cosicay  on  the  strength  of 


too  is  greatly  concerned  to  avoid 
wounding  the  susceptibilities  of  a 
partner  of  whose  whole-hearted  fidelity 
he  is  equally  assured. 

However,  in  course  of  time  Nature 
has  her  way ;  youth  turns  to  youth,  the 
young  barbarian  to  the  flapper,  and 
both  set  themselves  to  elude  the 
attentions  of  their  senior  admirers. 
Pursuers  and  pursued,  they  follow  and 
fly  across  the  stage,  in  a  veritable 
Midsummer  Night's  Dream  of  cross- 
purposes.  Meanwhile  there  is  much 
espionage  on  the  part  of  a  Eeverend 
Dean  (father  of  the  boy)  and  a.  chatelaine 
(mother  of  the  girl),  who  work  hard,  in 
collusion,  to  throw  the  young  pair  into 


word  of  her  part  as  if  she  really  enjoyed 
it.  It  is  no  detraction  from  the  merit 
of  Mr.  EUDOLPH  BESIER'S  exquisitely 
humorous  dialogue  to  say  that  her  per- 
sonality was  necessary  to  his  triumph. 
Her  recitation  of  jesvelled  verse  in 
the  presence  of  an  embarrassed  foot- 
man was  a  thing  to  be  remembered 
always.  Mr.  ERIC  LEWIS  as  the  Dean 
was  superbly  in  his  element ;  and 
Miss  EOSINA  FILIPPI  played  up  to 
him  in  the  brusque  business-like  way 
that  one  associates  with  the  work  of 
this  sound  and  virile  artist. 

Mr.  ARTHUR  WONTNER,  as  the  hus- 
band, seemei  a  little  outclassed,  and 
Mr.  CHARLES  MAUDE,  as  the  boy,  was 


5,  1911.] 


H,    OR   Til  K.LONDON'    CHAIM\  AIM 


•JYf 


Finl  Boy  (washing  digging  operations).  "WHAT  UE  'EM  IXHN'  THEKE,  TOM?" 

ftrmnd  Bay.  "DON'T  'HE  KNOW,  sTooriDt    THEV'VE  IJEEX  AXD  CATCIIED  A  vox,  AND  NOW  TIIEYM  DIQCIN'  A  'OLE  FJU  TO  BI-RV 
'IM  IN!" 


perhaps  rather  too  mature  and  refined 
for  the  raw  article.  But  I  heartily 
commend  Miss  ATHENE  SEYLEH'S 
flapper;  she  played  with  just  the  desired 
gaucherie,  and  cleverly  avoided  all 
attempts  to  be  conventionally  attrac- 
tive. The  chorus  consisted  of  Mr.  C.  V. 
FIIANCE,  the  most  perfect  gardener  that 
ever  clipped  an  oak  or  hegat  thirteen 
children.  Apparently  blind  and  deaf 
to  his  surroundings,  he  took  quiet  note 
of  many  strange  occurrences,  and  I 
shall  not  soon  forget  the  pregnant  com- 
parison which  he  established  between 
tin!  singing  of  Lady  Patricia  and  the 
call  of  an  amorous  tabby. 

Two  of  the  three  Acts  were  laid  on 
the  first  floor  of  an  oak  that  might 
liavo  accommodated  half  the  survivors 
of  Worcester.  You  could  climb  higher 
up,  as  the  young  folk  did,  into  the 
actual  branches,  if  you  wanted  to ;  but 
the  inconvenience  of  this  way  of  retreat 
from  intruders  was  early  recognized 
by  Lady  Patricia,  who  had  a  separate 
exit -ladder  built  during  the  five  weeks 
that  intervened  between  the  First  and 
Second  Acts ;  and  this  was  subsequently 
utilized  to  great  advantage.  It  was  a 
roomy  oak,  as  I  have  hinted,  and  not 


only  did  it  serve  for  tea  parties,  but  it 
supported  a  summer-house  that  was  in 
large  request  with  eavesdroppers  and 
others  whose  behaviour  was  not  for 
the  general  eye. 

It  may  be  that  the  subtleties  of 
Mr.  BESIER'S  play  will  tell  against 
its  popularity.  Even  the  first-night 
audience  was  not  too  quick  at  taking 
the  points.  But  I  shall  hope  that  the 
freslmess  of  its  dialogue  and  mise-en- 
sc&nc  and  above  all  the  enchanting  per- 
formance of  Mrs.  PATRICK  CAMPBELL 
will  give  it  the  success  it  deserves. 

I  have  only  two  small  complaints  to 
make  to  the  author.  I  said  that  his 
ridicule  was  never  ill-placed,  but  I 
make  one  exception.  He  should  not 
have  laughed  at  the  little  novice's  song 
in  Guinevere — "Late,  late,  so  late." 
This,  I  am  certain,  was  a  lapse  from 
right  taste.  And,  secondly,  before  his 
next  call,  he  must  learn  to  make  a 
better  bow.  0.  S. 


"'Cat!'  she  said  forcefully.     'Odious  cat.' 

(TO   BE  CONTINUED  TO-MOKUOW.)'1 

"Daily  Mail "  feuillclon. 
But  can  she  improve  on  this,  even  after 
a  night's  rest  ? 


REFLECTIONS.  ,  :'£ 

To  you,  0  faithful  friend  who  never 

change, 
I  raise  my  brimming  glass  and  cry, 

"  Live  long !  " 

No  jealousy  can  ever  us  estrange, 
No  quarrel  snap  a  tie  so  staunch  and 
strong. 

No  other  soul  in  this  wide  weary  earth 
Is  worth  a  moment's  serious  thought 

but  you, 
Who  share  my  sorrows,  mingle  in  my 

mirth, 

And  give  me — what  the  world  denies 
— my  due. 

For  you  alone  perceive  my  virtues  rare, 
My  store  of  wit,  my  touch  of  classic 

grace, 

My  mellow  wisdom  and  my  courtly  air, 
The  strength  that  gives  distinction  to 

my  face. 

Yet,  on  reflection,  with  themorning  light 
Sometimes  there 's  disillusion  in  the 

air; 
For  when  I  shave  my  mirror  shows  a 

sight 

That  almost  makes  me  cut  you  then 
and  there. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  5,  1911. 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Ckrks.) 

SMITH,    KI.DKR    are    getting   well    forward    with    their' 
"Centenary  Biographical  Edition  of  tbo  Works  of  THACKK- 
HAY."    It  is  to  be  completed  in  twenty-six  volumes.     The  ; 
issue  commenced  in  November  of  last  year,  will  finish  in  i 
mid-October.     Nos.  8  and  9,  recently  published,  enshrine 
contributions  to  Punch.     Many  of  them  are  illustrated  by 
those  quaint  drawings   which   THACKERAY   in   his   secret 
pri/.ed  more  highly  than  chapters  of  Vanity  Fair  or. 
By  way  of  frontispiece  i?  -eproduced  a  cartoon 
by  JOHN  TKXXIKL  entitled  "  The  Puncl   Cricket  Team."     It 
is  dated  1854.    Save  the  artist  who  the  other  day  celebrated  , 
bis  ninety-first  birthday,  none  of  those  whose  portraits  are  T 
included  still  lives.     TIIACKKKAY,  SHIRLEY  BROOKS,  MARK 
LKMON,  HORACE  MAYHKW,  TOM  TAYLOR,  GIL.  A'BECKETT,  • 
PKKCIYAL  LEIGH,  DOUGLAS  JERHOLD,  JOHN  LEECH — all,  allj 
are  gone.    Mr.  Punch  himself  still  remains,  now  as  then  , 
keeping  wicket  and  not 
less   keen  of   eye  and 
hand.      In    respect    of 
paper,  print  and  illus- 
trations,  with    the 
added  value  of  personal 
reminiscences   of    her 
lather    contributed   by 
Lady     EITCHIE,     this 
edition  leaves  nothing 
to   be   desired.     "Si 
mon  iouen  turn    rcq  itiris, 
circwnspice"   is  the 
proud      epitaph      of 
CHRISTOPHER      WHEN 
buried    in    St.    Paul's. 
If  one  seeks  a  worthy 
monument  of  THACKE-  l 
HAY,    lie    will    &ad    itj 
in   this    complete    col- 1 
lection    -of     his    life's 
work. 


indeed,  the  chief  scientist,  Hinton,  is  in  many  -ways  the 
best  and  most  undorstandingly-drawn  character  in  the 
book.  I  am  wondering  what  the  believers  will  think  of  it. 
Probably  very  little  :  the  effect  of  most  controversial  fiction 
is,  as  I  remember  Mr.  BELLOC  once  saying  of  a  religious 
meeting  in  Oxford,  "  wonderfully  to  strengthen  all  present 
in  whatever  beliefs  they  might  previously  have  entertained." 


The  awkward  thing 
about  novels  that  are 


It  is  possible  that  Splendid  Zipporali  (METHUEN)  would 
have  been  more  acceptable  to  some  readers  if  Mrs.  STEPNEY 
EAWSON  had  been  a  little  less  generous  with  the  band 
accompaniment;  but  to  all  lovers  of  the  violin,  'cello,  oboe, 
trombone,  clarionet,  and  every  kind  of  musick  the  book 
may  be  cordially  recommended.  Zipporah  was  as  big  °of 
heart  as  she  was  immense  of  stature,  and  the  way  ill  which 
she  let  men — varying  from  a  horn-blower  to  a  prince — 
know  that  she  was  not  going  to  stand  any  nonsense  gains 
my  most  profound  respect.  To  create  a  hero  who  did  not 
appear  pigmy-like  by  the  side  of  such  a  lady  was  bound  to 

1)3  a  difficulty ;  but, 
after  granting  that 
Againemnons  and 
Hectors  are  scarce  in 
these  degenerate  days, 
I  still  think  that  some- 
thing more  Homeric 
might  have  been  found 
for  her  than  the  man 
who  turned  up-  on 
page  11- — in  "  superb 
evening  dress."  This, 
however,  is  a  trifling 
matter  in  a  novel  which 
reveals  an  intimate 
knowledge  both  of 
music  and  the  lives  of 
musicians,  and .  where 
men  fn  m  start  to  finish 
are  c  onde:nned  to  \  1  iy 
the  second  fiddle.  , 


Sergeant  of  Police  (in  pursuance  of  i,istructivns'j.     "STAND  your.  DEEr  ACRORST 
'EIIE,  PLEASE." 


(ALSTON 
all     tint 


Perpeti  a 
Rivi  B  )     s 

-»-'v»-«   **vr.v»w    vutwu    wiiv  --  j,    ,.,   .„  . 

wntlen  with  a  destructive  purpose  is  that  too  of  ten  the  parti-  j  but  much  that  a   novel   should  not  be        To   take   the 
ar  Aunt  bally  chosen  for  overthrow  is  apt  to  revenge  worst  first,  the.  melodrama  is  appalling,  and  the  villains, 
herse  If  by  upsetting  the  balance  and  credibility  of  the  plot,   with  their  blackmails,  swindles,  and  even  poisons,  are  .so 
s  all  the  more  credit  to  Mrs.  MAUD  that,  setting  unmitigated  as  to  be  positively  wooden.     There  is  only  this 
ut  to  expose  the  errors  of  the  creed  (or  superstition,  if  you  :  to  be  said  for  them,  that  they  obtrude  themselves  as  late 
!fer  it)  known  as  Christian  Science,  she  has  incidentally  and  as  little  as  villains  well  could.     Apart  from  them   the 
produced  a  most  clever  and  interesting  story.      The  Ex-   tale   is   capricious,    idyllic,   tender,   and  entirely  human. 
f  r  H"T  (ME™N)  >*  an  th's,  and  more  •  \  Perpetua  is  through  all  her  years  the  irresistible  child; 

for  mysel  ,  I  can  say  that  i    holds  the  attention  Brian  O'Cne,  whom  she  adopts  for  father,  is  exactly  the 

v         T     '"I    f  P£JgV°      6  n^     J°hn  C°Urt  b°y  that  a  man  ouSht  to  be'  and  the  heterogeneous  Mends 
pT>         ?       .  tea:Planter   in   Ceylon-   ^   marry   and  the  divers  adventures  of  them  teem  with  humour  and 
.?7         l'  T?  herollle',comels  ou,fc  from  England,   are  above  reproach.     As  for  N.  Lamballe,  the  Circus  pro- 
ttrac    vt  ™l        <    T  ^  ^  ^  ^\  "fS  ^  *»  i  ^ter  with  the  bi8-hoart  llnd  the  innumerable  poses,  he  is 
nde     hnmS     '    l       ^^   we»-?ducato'1'  .  ^althy-   a  sheer  delight.     The  sub-title  of  the  book  is  The.Way  to 
.  judge  therefore  of  her  surprise  when,  \  Treat  a  Woniau.     It  opens  with  a  mad  impulse,  runs  riot 
John   on\  ?s  owTvn^t       T'  f  f  "-^^  a  franatic-  i  through  a11  the  m°«d«  of  irresponsible  youth,  hiAts  merrily 

'       S  WIh  T  Htnlon>\^  niost  of  the  greater  truths,  and  concludes  (what  becami 

still  more  his  of  the  real  Mr*  DION  CLAYTON  CALTHBOP  at   this  point 


-"-"-'     ""•  ^  "-lliJ^ii  »JO  j      iL  !  M  l        .">  I,  1  J  1      llllJlt/      IMS 

personality,  the  lad  has  been  "  brought  into  science."  At 
first  he  thinks  it  his  duty  to  abandon  his  intended  union 
with  Prudence;  it  takes  place,  however,  and  what  follows 
is  the  story  of  Mrs.  MAUD'S  book.  It  seems  to  me  to  be 
exceedingly  well  written ;  the  author  has  the  skill  to  avoid 
all  appearance  of  exaggeration  in  dealing  with  her  opponents ; 


-j-iv^i     v>j-j£i  i  xv^ii     vy.iu  j.rLi.«ji.      oiu     wins      Uulllt 

passes  understanding)  with  dipsomania,  drug  habits,  murder, 
and  a  suggestion  of  sex  problems.  On  the  whole  it  reminds 
me  of  nothing  so  much  as  a  delicious  pear  with  an  over- 
ripe centre.  If  you  can  trust  yourself  to  eat  round  the  bad 
bit  and  intend'  .to  take  the  risk,  then  I  can  promise  you 
that  you  are  in  for  a  Jirst-rate  meal. 


Aiiur,  12,  1911.] 


ITNril,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


255 


The  revival  of  The  Sins  of  Society  is, 
we  hear,  doing  well.  There  was  some 
tear  ut  first  lest  the  Sins  which  the 
play  (rents  of  should  be  found  to  have 
lost  their  popularity. 


Mr.  CHAIU.KS  U.\\\  rm:v's  next  pro- 
duction at  the  Prince  of  Wales's  Theatre 
is  to  be  called  Jlctter  Not  Enquire, 
and  Mr.  ASQUITH  understands  that  this 
taking  title  was  suggested  by  certain 
familiar  Ministerial  answers  at  Ques- 
tion-time. 

Mr.  ZANGWILL'B  statement,  that  we 
have  very  few  real  actresses,  has  called 
forth  many  expressions  of  surprise  at 
his  ignorance.  There  is  not  an  actress 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  rumoured  that,  after  all,  the 
German  Chancellor  has  decided  to 
show  that  he  is  not  entirely  un- 
sympathetic to  the  Peace  spirit  which 
is  abroad.  The  next  German  Dread- 
nought is  to  bo  named  The  Peace- 
Ma  leu: 

*   •.;: 

Our  Local  Government  Board  has 
been  holding  an  enquiry  in  the  course 
of  which  the  question  of  "  Sea  Water 
for  Flushing"  was  considered;  and 
the  Dutch  in  return  are  arranging  for 
a  few  coals  to  be  sent  to  Newcastle. 
•.;= ,  * 

We  understand  that,  if  only  they 
had  been  quite  sure  that 
tin;  entire  sum  required  to 
secure  "The  Mill"  for  the 
National  Gallery  would  not 
be  subscribed,  many  persons 
would  have  expressed  their 
willingness  to  give  hand- 
some donations  to  the 
fund — subject  to  the  fact 
being  announced  in  the 
newspapers. 

We  are  glad  that  our 
officers  are  not,  after  all,  to 
wear  a  new  crimson-and- 
gold  sash,  for  we  feel  sure 
that  the  more  we  men  go 
in  for  sashes  and  similar 
feminine  fal-lals,  the  more 
difficult  it  will  be  for  us  to 
say  that  the  ladies  must 
not  have  our  trousers. 

:;:      :;: 

One  result  of  the  Census, 
we  hear,  will  be  a  medical 
inquiry   into   the  alarming 
number  of  cases  which  the 
returns  disclose  of  "arrested 
development"    among    wo- 
men.     Although  ten  years 
have  elapsed  since  the  previous  Census, 
the  ago  of. a  great  many  females  alive 
then  has  not   progressed   in  anything 
like  due  proportion. 

"  The  whole  county  of  Sussex,"  says 

a  correspondent  in   The  Daily  News,  \  effect  that  this  talented  actor  is  about 
"  has    only    produced   twelve   centen-   to  appear  in  WAGNER'S  Rinij. 
arians   in   fifteen  years   to  Brighton's 
twenty-seven."     This  is  a  nasty  blow 
to  those  ill-informed  persons  who  have  ,  M.  JEAN  FINST, 
been   imagining   that   Brighton    is   in  j  heads   increases, 


THE  CAMERA   IN  SOCIETY. 

STUIKINC;  LIKENESS    OF  THE  DUCHESS    OK  -  — ,    LADY 
VISCOUNTESS .-.AT  A  RECENT  roixi  TO  POINT. 


windows  of  houses,  and  showed  every 
sign  of  panic  and  bewilderment.  This 
draws  attention  once  more  to  the 
absolute  necessity  of  guiding  marks 
and  lights  for  aviators. 

1'h'!  JJaili/  Ditpfttck,  in  an  article  on 
Patronage,  after  drawing  attention  to 
the  number  of  salaried  officials  rendered 
necessary  by  the  establishment  of 
Labour  Exchanges,  goes  on  to  state : 
"  Every  one  of  these  young  men  owes 
his  appointment  to  his  berth."  No, 
no,  no.  Surely  it  should  be,  "  owes  his 
berth  to  his  appointment "  '.' 

The  HOME  SECRETARY  has  asked  the 
police  to  make  reports  to  him  regarding 
"  Mormon    activities     and 
propaganda.".    .Nothing, 
however,    was    said  about 
impropaganda. 
«.  * 

The  Mormon  mission- 
aries in  this  country,  it 
seems,  take  upon  them- 
selves the  title  of  "  Latter- 
day  Saints."  •  If  half  one 
hears  about  them  be  true 
the  distinction  certainly 
seems  only  fair  to  the 
Saints  of  former  days. 

;]:     -'.•  , 

"  Fish  never  have  tooth- 
ache," said  Mr.  J.G.  TURNER, 
F.E.C.S.,  in  a  lecture  at  the 
Royal  Dental  Hospital.  We 
would  rattier  like  to  hear 
how  Mr.  TURNER  knows 
th  is.  Our  experience  of  fish 
is  that  they  are  extremely 
reserved,  and  one  never 
hears  them  complain  ;  but 
this  is  no  proof  that  they 
do  not  suffer  in  silence. 


AND 


Sussex. 


in  the  country  who  could  not  tell  him 
of  at  least  one. 

-.;:     :;t 

Owing  to  the  fact  that  Mr.  SEYMOUR 
HICKS  has  been  practising  boxing,  an 
absurd  rumour  has  got  abroad  to  the 


'  As  our  civilisation  advances,"  says 
the  number  of  broad 
and  for  this  simple 


reason,    that    our    heads    must  grow 


larger  in  order  to  hold  more  facts  and 
The  total  number  of   marriages   in   ideas."       Fatheads    are  now   smiling 
England    and    Wales    during    1910, ;  all  over, 
according    to    a    return    just    issued, 
was  2(i7,41() ;  and  although  the  figures 


are  not  given,  we  understand  that  a 
very  large  number  of  men  only  just 
escaped. 


A  great  flock  of  starlings,  which  had 
evidently  lost  their  bearings,  descended 
on  the  town  of  New  Eoss,  in  Ireland, 
the  other  day,  and  entered  the  open 


Answer  to  a  correspon- 
dent : — We  fancy  that  in 
order  to  qualify  for  membership  of  the 
Royal  Automobile  Club  you  will  have 
to  purchase,  anyhow,  a  pair  of  motor- 
goggles. 


"A  curious  barometer  used  in  Germany  an>l 
Switzerland  consists  or  a  pan.  or  water  \\itli  a 
frog  and  a  little  step-ladder  in  if.  \Vlicu  the 
frog  comes  out  of  the  water  and  sits  on  the 
step?  it  is  sjid  infallibly  to  indicate  rain." 
Eocninj  Tc.'ryrapk. 

And  when   it  climbs   down  into  the 
water  it  will  lie  wot  again. 


"The  weight  of  A  wake  1 1.  goes  up  to  7M.  !>!!>. 
for  thcCiipCoursc  Selling  Handicap  to-morrow, 
and  this  raises  her  burden  to  7st.  9lb. — 

Glatgoic  \ctc>. 

There   is   no   shirking    the    relentless 
logic  of  this. 


25(1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  12,  1911. 


"LIFE'S    LITTLE    IRONIES." 

Siudii-s  in  tin-  i>oiguant  manner  of  Mr.  THOMAS  HARDY'S  "Satires  of 
CirrumsUmce"  in  the  April  number  of  The  Furl  nightly  Bwfrl*.] 

IN  SIX   MISFVTTES. 
I. 

AT    THE    MOTHER-IN-LAW'S. 

"  YOUR  son  deserts  ine  on  Tuesday  next," 

Remarks  the  wife  in  a  wailing  croon  ; 

"  I  cannot  disguise  I  am  greatly  vext 

That  he  should  be  at  it  again  so  soon ; 

He  only  eloped  with  me  last  year, 

And  the  anniversary 's  not  yet  here." 

"  I  warned  you  once,"  says  the  mother-in-law ; 

"  'Tis  in  his  blood;  he  is  not  to  blame; 

His  heritage  had  this  fatal  flaw, 

For  his  poor  dear  father  was  just  the  same ; 

From  the  first  time  out,  when  he  ran  with  me, 

He  was  always  eloping  with  somebody. 

n. 

AT  THE  FAIR. 

They  meet  at  a  fair  where  the  hot  booths  steam, 
The  girl  and  her  rival,  muslin-gowned ; 
Says  one :  "  He  stood  me  a  large  ice-cream !  " 
And  the  other,  "  We  rode  on  the  merry-go-round!  " 
";He  patted  my  cheek  and  he  pulled  my  hair !  " 
"'He  kept  on  pinching  my  arm,  so  there  !  " 

A|(woman!s  shadow  is  thrown  between, 

And  her  breath  comes  sharp  through  the  gas-jets'  reek ; 

"'1  'm  wife,"  she  says,  "  to  the  man  you  mean 

Who  mauled  your  arm  and  your  hair  and  cheek; 

But  I  know  that  he  loves  me  best,  and  why  ? 

Three  nights  running  he  blacked  my  eye  !  " 

in. 

IN  THE  LOUNGE. 

The  peer's  heir  sits  on  his  honeymoon 
In  a  loud  hotel  with  his  chorus-bride. 
A  gramophone  grinds  a  rasping  tune 
That  tickles  the  page-boys.     Deep  inside, 
The  future  baron  is  thrilled  right  through, 
And  "Dearest,"  he  says,  "it  sounds  like  you." 

Her  lips  relax  from  the  toothsome  smile 

That  smirks  through  the  picture-postcard  panes  ; 

"  I  sang  it,"  says  she ;  "  t  used  to  beguile 

"  The  only  lover  that  stirred  my  veins. 

I  married  you  just  for  your  rank,  old  dear, 

But  the  song  is  my  time  love 's  souvenir  ; 

/  breathed  it  into  the  gramophone 

Wlwn  I  bade  good-bye  to  the  First  Trombone  ! " 

(To  be  continued.)  O.  S. 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.} 

No.  VI. — THE  SILVER  HORSE. 
WUNCE  ther  wos  a  King  he  livd  in  a  cassel  bilt  on  a  bi 
rock  and  he  had  menny  butlers  and  a  hunderd  housemade 
and  2  hunderd  cuks  his  arme  wos  the  bigest  in  the  wurli 
and  they  all  had  gold  armer  all  over  them  and  wen  h 
wonted  a  ship  he  jest  claped  his  hands  and  the  ship  kam 
saling  round  to  his  frunt  dore  ho  had  wun  dorter  and  sh 
was  butifler  than  the  butiflest  peacock  you  ever  sor  he 
hare  wos  the  kuller  of  the  sun  shiny  gold  with  red  bits  an 
her  nose  wos  as  strate  as  a  stik  she  brushd  her  teeth  for 
times  evry  day  and  had  creemtarts  for  brekfus  the  Kin 


.ivd  her  very  mutsh  but  he  coudent  get  her  marrid  becos 
he  woudent  have  enbody  this  made  the  King  angrer  than 

gardner. 

Wun  morning  the  King  cald  his  dorter  her  name  was 

lurel. 

Good  morning  Murel  sed  the  King. 

Good  morning  papa  sed  Murel  bloing  her  nose  she 
ladent  got  a  cold  but  she  pertended. 

I  wont  to  tork  to  you  bout  a  husbeu  sed  King  Fredrick. 

0  bother  husbens  said  Murel  I  wont  to  snees  and  she 
neesd  ten  times  railing. 

Youll  snees  yourself  away  sed  the  King  dyou  cal  that 
erlite. 

1  cant  help  it  sed  the  gerl  all  your  tork  bout  huabens 
ikels  my  nose  and  then  Ive  got  to  snees  I  cal  it  verry 
rule  of  you. 

Wen  the  King  herd  this  he  was  angrer  than  ever  and 
lames  flasht  outof  his  eys  and  ferst  he  gots  red  as  a  tirky 
ind  then  he  gots  yeller  as  a  norringe. 

This  is  tu  mutch  sed  the  King  git  outof  my  site  you 
wiked  gerl  no  stay  Ive  got  a  worse  punshment  for  you. 

Then  King  Fredrick  claped  his  hands  and  loan  bold 
/hire  wos  a  ship  of  wor  at  the  frunt  dore. 

Take  her  away  sed  the  King  and  the  salers  all  kanio 
•ound  Murel  and  tide  up  her  arms  and  leggs  and  stufwl 
a  piller  in  her  mouth  sos  to  stop  her  skreems  and  then 
.hey  dropt  her  in  the  bottom  of  the  ship  and  saled  away  to 
Australyer  or  sumwher. 

Of  korse  Murel  coudent  do  mutsh  ther  wer  tu  menny 
>alers  but  sudnly  she  remberd  the  magic  jool  her  fairy 
godmuther  giv  her. 

Haha  she  sed  111  sune  be  outof  this  and  she  kep  rubing 
she  jool  like  mad  at  ferst  nuthing  hapend  but  then  thir 
wos  a  nois  like  a  moterkar  and  a  grate  silver  horse  kame 
fline  thru  the  are  and  seteld  doun  at  her  feet. 

Ive  been  to  your  father  sed  the  horse  and  I  giv  him  a 
kick. 

Thats  rite  sed  Murel  but  I  hope  you  dident  hurt  him 
mutsh. 

Not  mutsh  sed  the  horse  but  I  think  hell  rember  it  and 
not  do  so  anuther  time. 

Im  sure  I  hope  so  said  Murel  now  carre  me  away  from 
here  quick  quick. 

Then  she  got  on  the  horse  and  he  opend  his  wings  they 
were  lite  blu  and  in  a  minnit  Murel  and  the  horse  wer  up 
in  the  are  wher  the  salers  coudent  tutsh  them.  •: 

They  went  on  and  on  and  sor  ever  so  menny  countrys 
but  Murel  dident  see  enny  she  liked  as  mutsh  as  her  oan 
old  cassel  at  last  she  told  the  horse  to  take  her  bak  ther 
and  wen  they  got  ther  she  found  her  father  in  bed  with 
grate  bandidges  all  over  his  bak  and  ten  dokters  round  his 
bed  Ive  cum  bak  papa  she  sed. 

So  you  have  sed  the  King  now  I  can  git  better  and  he 
tuk  orf  the  bandidges  and  sent  away  the  dokters. 

We  wont  tork  enny  more  about  husbens  sed  the  King. 

But  Ive  found  a  husben  said  Murel  and  she  shod  the 
King  her  silver  horse  he  wos  standing  by  liisself  in  a 
korner  luking  verry  proud. 

But  you  cant  marre  a  horse  sed  the  King. 

Weel  sune  see  bout  that  sed  Murel  so  she  rubed  her 
magic  jool  and  if  you  gess  it  wos  a  prinse  or  a  duke  youll 
be  rite. 

So  they  were  marrid  and  wen  they  wonted  to  go  enwhere 
the  prinse  could  alwis  change  hisself  into  a  silver  horse 
and  take  Murel  011  his  bak  and  they  were  verry  kind  to  pore 
peeple  and  had  a  famly  of  ten  boys  and  ate  gerls  they  were 
all  verry  butifle  and  evryboddy  was  sory  when  Murel  dide 
fore  yeers  after  they  wer  marrid  the  priiise  lived  six  yeers 
more. 


PUNCH,   OB  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— APRIL  12,  1!MI. 


PAX  GERMANICA;    OR,   THE   TEUTON   DOVECOTE. 

(ii;i(MAN  EAGLE    (to    Arbitration    Bird).    "NO   FOREIGN   DOVES  REQUIRED;    WE   HATCH  OUR 
OWN,   THANKYOU." 


Ai-mr,  12,  1,911.] 


IM'M'II.   OR   TJIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


2r>!> 


ANY   PORT   IN   A  STORM. 


FurnUarc  Remover.  "AxD  UIIKIII;  SHALL  I  PUT  ALL  TIIE.SB  "EUE,  MI;M,  PLEASE!" 

Distracted  Lady.  "Oil  —  EB  —  ruosel    WELL  —  EK—  WHICH  ROOMS  WOULD  rou  rur  THEM  is  IF  YOU  WEKE  ME' 


THE  KUBBER-SOLED  EUSSIANS. 

IK  view  of  the  engagement  of  the 
famous  corps  do  ballet  of  the  Imperial 
I  Theatres  of  St.  Petersburg  and  Moscow 
J  for    the    Coronation    season     ab    the 
Bolosseum  Music-hall,  some  personal 
details    about    the    most     illustrious 
members  of  the  troupe  should  not  be 
:  without  interest  to  our  readers.     They 
have  boon  obtained  at  great  expense 
and  no  little  risk  by  our  representative, 
who  has  attended  most  of  the  dinner- 
dances  given  by  the  Husskiy  Encyclo- 
pedieheskiy  Slovar  on  its  tour  through 
Great,  White,  and  Little  Russia. 

The  ladies  are  headed  by  Mile. 
I  Hi'-henka  Nosovich  whose  pedal  presti- 
digitation places  her  in  a  class  quite 
apart.  She  is,  in  the  charming  phrase  of 
our  Transatlantic  cousins,  a  very  lovely - 
•ppearing  woman  of  some  twenty-two 
MiimiuTs,  a  fine  classical  scholar,  and 
from  her  earliest  childhood  she  has 
subsisted  entirely  on  Koumiss,  Edel- 
weiss and  Standard  bread  made  of 
ground  jumping  beans  inoculated  with 
the  Bacillus  Bulgarians.  She  studied 
n-.iisic  under  Napravnik  and  Khanikin, 
:-a-.d  singing  under  Klinka. 


Mile.  Eugenie  Gherkin,  who  hails 
from  Nijni-Novgorod,  where  her  father 
was  Professor  of  Experimental  Toxi- 
cology, excels  in  the  macabre  style. 
Her  figure  is  slim  and  willowy  and  she 
is  famous  for  the  size  and  colour  of  her 
eyes,  which  have  an  emerald  lustre 
that  is  all  their  own.  Mile.  Gherkin 
originally  intended  to  embrace  the 
literary  calling,  and  it  is  rumoured  that 
she  has  been  approached  with  a  view  to 
her  undertaking  the  editorship  of  The 
Times'  daily  Dancing  Supplement.  As, 
however,  she  has  never  dined  at  any  of 
the  Ency.  Brit,  dinners,  negotiations 
were  reluctantly  abandoned. 

Prominent  amongst  the  male  dancers 
is  the  far-famed  Marko  Yovchok,  who 
since  the  lamented  death  of  Prosper 
Shevchenko  has  stood  at  the  head  of 
the  saltatory  confraternity.  Yovchok, 
who  is  of  Ugro-Finnish  descent,  has 
long  been  hailed  by  experts  as  the 
greatest  living  executant  of  the  auto- 
cephalous  school  of  dogmatic  choreo- 
graphy. He  was  destined  for  the  stage 
in  infancy  and  studied  for  ten  years 
under  Kirsha  Pypin,  Sviatogorskiy, 
Pososhkov  and  Bogdan  Khmelnibskiy 
before  making  his  debut,  at  Pskov. 


Yovchok  is  a  confirmed  vegetarian 
and  deeply  versed  in  the  lore  of  the 
Midrash.  His  great  recreation  is 
sturgeon-fishing  on  the  Yolga. 

As  a  grotesque  dancer  Stenka 
Shusherin  has  no  equal.  It  is  he 
who  enraptured  the  fastidious  French 
critics  by  his  rocking  turns  in  mid-air, 
and  though  not  yet  twenty-three  he 
has  qualified  for  an  old-age  pension  at 
thirty-five.  Hia  youth  was  spent 
among  the  Polabs  and  he  is  a  great 
authority  on  the  palatalisation  of  the 
Proto-Slavonic  nasals.  (Sea  Ency. 
Brit.,  vol.  xxiii.,  p.  912.)  He  has 
already  dined  seventeen  times  with 
Dr.  HUGH  CHISHOLM,  whom  he  pre- 
sented on  the  occasion  of  their  last 
meeting  with  a  magnificent  silver- 
plated  tundra. 

M.  Shusherin,  it  may  be  added,  is 
deeply  mortified  that,  along  with  the 
Bhodes  Scholars,  he  is  unable  to  take 
part  in  the  All-British  Hopping  week 
which  will  be  held  in  Kent  later  in  the 
year. 


Great  Unionist  Triumph. 

"  Another  outstanding  feature  of  yestenliy's 
game  was  the  rcferer.duni.'  — //;'i«ryx>oi  £thi. 


2GO 


ITNCir,    OH   THK    LONDON    <  'II A1UVARI. 


12,  1911. 


THE    POLITICS    OF    MEIMYA. 

A    PliKHlSTOHIC    PlJKCKDKNT. 

IT  will  be  news  to  many  that  in  the 
clays  of  Atlantis  there  was  in  that 
remarkable  continent  a  country  called 
Menya,  which  was  at  one  time  in  a 
political  condition  exactly  similar  to 
that  in  which  we  find  ourselves  to-day. 
Like  our  own,  that  fortunate  laud 
possessed  two  Houses  of  Assembly — 
the  upp.T  and  hereditary,  and  the 
lower  and  elective.  It  was  also  foitu- 
nate  in  possessing  a  party  system ; } — 
it  is  known  that  the  peoples  of 
Atlantis- were  in  an  advanced  state 
of  civilisation.  As  our  two  Houses 
are  at  present  quarrelling,  so  were 
those  of  Menya,  and  for  a  pre- 
cisely similar  reason ;  while,  to 
carry  the  parallel  still  further, 
the  party  which  was  temporarily 
"  top-dog "  (as  they  called  it  in 
their  quaint  phrase)  in  the  lower 
assembly,  finding  themselves  in  a 
permansnt  minority  in  the  upper 
house,  had  arrange!  to  get  over 
the  difficulty  by  the  creation  of  a 
large  number  of  hereditary  legis- 
lators of  their  own  way  of  thinking, 
thus  transferring  the  preponder- 
ance in  that  element  from  their 
opponents  to  themselves.  To  the 
British  patriot  of  to-day  a  know- 
ledge of  how  things  turned  out  in 
that  far-off  epoch  ought  to  be  a 
matter  of  absorbing  interest ;  and 
such  knowledge  we  are  enabled  to 
place  before  our  readers.* 

To  employ  our  modern  termin- 
ology of  "  peers  "  and  "  peerage,"  it 
is  recorded  that  the  new  creation 
of  Menyak  peers  amounted  in 
number  to  some  six  hundred. 
This  gave  a  very  comfortable  ma- 
jority, besides  allowing  quite  a 
handsome  margin  for  casual- 
ties, such  as  backsliding.  The 
experiment  was,  for  a  time,  en- 
tirely successful.  More  so,  in- 
desd,  than  appeared  to  the  careless 
eye ;  for,  as  the  giving  of  a  peerage  was 
conditional  on  the  payment  by  the 
recipient  of  a  large  sum  into  what  was 
called  the  party  chest,  the  Government 
of  the  day  found  themselves  provided 
with  a  considerable  addition  to  those 
sinews  of  war  by  which  they  proposed 
to  keep  the  votsrs  up  to  a  conviction 
of  their  superior  virtues.  But  good 
things  tlo  not  last  for  ever.  That 
notorious  enemy  of  Governments,  the 
swing  of  the  pendulum,  occurred,  and 
a  time  came  when  the  rival  party 
found  themselves  in  office,  with  a  great 
majority  in  the  lower,  and  an  equally 
decisive  minority  in  the  upper,  house. 
The  new  Government  were  no  less  wily 
*  Xcvi'i-  mind  how. 


!  than  their  opponents  had  been.  In 
their  turn  they  created  a  large  hatch 
of  new  peers,  to  the  loudly  expressed 
indignation  of  the  enemy,  who  hotly 
condemned  such  methods  as  uncon- 
stitutional. Not  only  that,  but  by 
way  of  going  one  better,  they  doubled, 
in  their  favour,  the  majority  their 
predecessors  had  possessed.  This,  too, 
worked  well  for  a  while :  but  again  there 
came  a  change,  and  the  original 
reformers  returned  to  power.  The  first 
thing  they  did  was  to  make  some  new 


accelerated.  At  last  the  day  came 
when  the  final  batch  of  commoners  had 
to  be  taken  to  reinforce  the  Govern- 
ment in  the  upper  assembly;  and  the 
entire  male  adult  population  of  Mt'-inu 
had  become  peers. 

The  result,  which  ought  to  have  been 
foreseen  from  tli3  first,  was  extremely 
beautiful.       Everyone     was     satisfied. 
The  power  of  the  hereditary  clement, 
instead  of   being  annihilated,  1):  .• 
universal.       At    the    same    time 
country   had   arrived    at   that   perfect 
— ,  form  of  Socialism   where  all  men  j 
are    equal,       As    there    were,    no 
general  elections,  the  party  system  j 
died  a  natural  death.    All  proposed  ! 
legislation    automatically     under-  : 
went  a  referendum  of  the   whole  i 
i  country  ;  and  the  result  invariably 
tallied  with  the  vote  of  the  lldu-e 
of  Lords. 


ENGLISHWOMAN'S  LOVE-LETTERS. 


Bertie.     "I'VE    BEEN'    HAVING   A   LOVELY    GAME    WITH 

TIIIS  POST  OFFICE  SET  YOU  GAVE  ME,  AUKTIE.     I  'VE 

TAKEN  A  REAL  LETTEK.  TO  EVERY  HOUSE  IN  THE  ROAD." 

Auntie.  "How  SICE!    AND  WHERE  DID  YOU  GET  ALL 

THE   LETTERS?" 

Bertie.  "On,  I  FOUNT  A  BIG  BUNDLE  TIED  rr  WITH 

PINK    RIBBON   IN   YOUI1   DESK  !  " 


peers.  Not  only  did  they  treble  their  pre- 
vious majority  but  they  further  allowed 
a  very  considerable  percentage  to  make 
up  for  the  continual  drain  due  to  back- 
sliding. And  now  we  can  begin  to  see 
our  way  to  a  logical  conclusion.  With 
each  transfer  of  popular  power  the 
hereditary  element  of  Menya  continued 
to  increase  in  a  kind  of  geometrical 
progression,  till  in 
more  Menyak 


He 


MY    SON    JOHN. 

THK  bravest  knight  the  sun  shines 

on 

Is  not  so  brave  as  my  son  John  : 
The  lion  bold,  the  tiger  slim, 
No  terrors  seem  to  have  for  him. 
The  worries  which  would  upset  me 
,  Don't  shake  his  equanimity. 
With  well-aimed  shot  his  ga'mc  he  'd 

pot 
,  Nor  ceasa  until  he'd  killed  the  lot. 

A  valiant  wight  to  look  upon  ! 
With  shouldered  gun  and  cartridge 

belt, 

A  very  sacond  ROOSEVELT 
Is  my  son  John. 

i  With  pirates  I  've  had  little  truck; 
I  never  thought  they  'd  bring  me 

luck. 
'But  my  son  John,  he  loves  them 

well, 
When  black  and  ear-ringed  like  a 

belle ; 
He  'd   face  the  horde  if  chance 

occurred, 

I  know  it,  for  I  have  his  word. 
With  slash  and  parry,  cut  and  thrust, 
'd  make  the  beggars  lick  the  dust. 


Brave  scion  of  a  race  that 's  gone ! 
A  bold  and  burly  buccaneer 
Whose  eye  unflinching  knows  no  fear 

Is  my  son  John. 


Yet  I  have  heard  of  heroes  too 
Who  turn  at  times  a  little  blue ; 
Of  V.C.'s  nonchalant  and  calm 

time   there    were  [  Who  'd  dare  the  death  without  a  qualm 
peers    than    Menyak   Yet  shiver  like  a  jelly  at 

The  presence  of  the  homely  cat ; 
While  others — 'tis  perchance  a  fable — 
Eefuse  to  sit  thirteen  at  table. 

A  thought  to  muse  and  ponder  on 
When  in  the  dark  the  hand  I  keep, 
And  hold  until  he  falls  asleep, 

Of  mv  son  John. 


commoners.     As  voters  became  fewer, 

owing  to  the  elevation  of  so  many  of 

their 

took 

office,   in   the   hop 

peers    themselves 


number,  most  of  the  proletariat 
to  voting  for   the  party   out   of 


:   of   getting   made 
on    a    change    of 


Government;  thus  the  pendulum  was 


Armr,  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THtt  LONDON  OHARIVARF. 


231 


Clergyman  (taking  frirn.l  round  poor  parislt).   "YE<,  A  NE&vous  LITTLE  FELLOW. 
Woman.  "YE  REMEMRER  WIIONU,  THEN'.     'E  GOT  OHF  wiv  TEX  YEARS!" 


I  REUEMREU   IMS   FATHER  WAS   HIGHLY   bTIUNU." 


THE  CYNIC'S  TRAGEDY. 

[Cynicism,  \ve  are  informed,  is  out  of  date,  and  optimism  has  cotnc  to 
Us  own.] 

WHEN  I  was  in  the  zenith  of  my  youth, 

And  all  the  world  was,  so  to  speak,  my  oyster, 

I  asked  myself  the  question  :  "  What  is  Truth  ?  " 
And  from  her  native  well  essayed  to  hoist  her. 

Each  week  with  some  new  problem  I  'd  contend, 
With  some  new-found  philosophy  I  'd  finnick  ; 

I  tried  all  ways  of  life  and  in  the  end 
I  wore  an  eyeglass  and  became  a  cynic. 

At  orthodox  beliefs  I  flung  my  glove ; 

On  heresy  alone  I  spoke  a  benison ; 
I  scoffed  at  art,  at  politics,  at  love, 

At  chivalry,  at  honour,  and  at  TENNYSON. 

At  dinner-parties,  when  I  aired  my  mind, 
The  general  conversation  always  halted  ; 

Waving  aside  the  sweets,  I  underlined 

Kach  comment  with  an  almond,  highly  tailed. 

At  <lances,  sitting  out,  I  played  the  part 
Of  an  uncompromising  woman-hater  ; 

The  ladies  loved  to  dally  with  a  heart 
Reputed  colder  than  a  worn-out  crater. 

They  hung  upon  my  lips  to  catch  the  gall, 

Noted  my  epigrams,  in  albums  stored  'em  ; 
Alas  !  those  golden  days  are  past  recall ; 

ir,  when  I  speak,  they  simply  gape  with  boredom. 


The  cynic 's  had  his  day,  like  other  dogs  ; 

And  yet  I  can't  throw  off  that  fatal  manner, 
Don  a  new  set  of  philosophic  togs 

And  wave  about  the  optimistic  banner. 

Death  sooner  than  disgrace ! — as  someone  said 
When  unforeseen  disaster  overthrew  his  side, 

And,  flourishing  his  sword  above  his  head, 
Unhesitatingly  committed  suicide. 

But  even  in  my  end  (since  Fashion's  rulo 

Leaves  nothing  else  for  him  who  disobeys  her) 

I  '11  guard  the  best  traditions  of  my  school 
And  slit  my  gullet  with  a  safety-razor. 


The  Craving  for  Sensation. 

"Tlic  carriage  passenger  train  from  Forfar  to  Hrechiu  was  d  Mailed 
on  AYe:lncsday  afternoon,  Lut  unfortunately  no  person  was  hurt." — 

JUoiilrosc  Standard. 


"The  Standard  Dictionary  does  not  pose  as  an  authority  on  ecclesi- 
astical history  ;  still  it  should  not  blunder  to  the  extent  of  saving  that 
.loan  of  Are  was  canonized  in  1904.  The  truth  is,  she  was  beautified  in 
April  1909,  and  is  not  yet  canonized." — The  Xairrian  (-V..V.) 

We  dislike  these  quibbling  distinctions.   Besides,  according  j 
to   Miss  EtLALiNE   TERRISS,   JOAN   was  always  a  rather 
attractive  person,  even  when  she  was  alive. 


"From  tliis  flour  a  sweet,  heavy,  ll.it  cake  is  made.     It  rearmUcs  the 
oaken  cakes  so  popular  among  Scottish  peasants." 

Liverpool  H'cck'y  Mercury. 
No  wonder  it  weighed  so  much. 


CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  12,  1911. 


THE   FINISHING   TOUCHES. 

THE  House  went  into  Committee  on 
the  Parliament  Bill  at  2.30,  with  Mr. 
KMMOTT  in  the  Chair. 

Mi.  BOOLE  (U.,  Tattenham  Corner) 
moved  an  amendment  to  substitute  the 
word  "  notwithstanding  "  for  the  word 
"  although."  He  said  that  the  Govern- 
ment had  forced  this  quarrel  on  the 
House  of  Lords  (Opposition  C/IC.T.S-) 
contrary  to  the  wishes  of  the  country 
(loud  Opposition  clieers),  which  was 
perfectly  content  with  the  present  state 
of  things.  If  this  Bill  became  law  the 
country  would  practically  be  under 
Single  Chamber  government.  (Loud 
1 1  ml  prolonged  Opposition  dicers.)  In 
these  circumstances  he  felt  it  was  only 
his  duty  as  a  patriotic  Englishman 
(Opposition  cheers)  to  move  that  the 
word  "  although  "  be  deleted  in  favour 
of  the  word  "notwithstanding." 

Mr.  ASQUITH  said  that  the  Govern- 
ment could  not  accept  the  amendment. 
This  was  the  seven  hundred  and  ninety- 
fifth  amendment  moved  by  the  Oppo- 
sition, to  seventy-three  of  which  the 
honourable  gentleman  had  felt  it  was 
only  his  duty  to  stand  godfather. 
(Laughter.)  The  Government  welcomed 
criticism,  but  they  would  not  tolerate 
idle  obstruction.  (Loud  Ministerial 
cheers.) 

Mr.  BALFOUR  said  that,  speaking 
as  one  who  had  sat  in  that  House  for 
nearly  forty  years,  he  was  bound  to 
say  that  never  in  the  whole  course  ol 
his  Parliamentary  career  had  he  known 
an  honest  amendment  to  have  been 
treated  in  the  cavalier,  the  • 
temptuously  cavalier,  manner  in  which 
this  had  been  treated  by  the  Prime 
Minister.  (Loud  Opposition  cheers.) 

Mr.  CROOKS  (Lab.,  Woolwich)  said 
that  everybody  knew  that  the  Opposi- 
tion was  only  out  for  obstruction. 
Why  couldn't  they  be  honest  about  it  ? 

Earl  WINTEHTON  (U.,  Horsham). 
Manners ! 

Mr.  BULKIE  (U.,  Piccadilly  Circus) 
thought  the  Parliament  Bill  was  a 
mistake. 

Mr.  LUDD  (L.,  Paddington  Baths) 
thought  it  wasn't. 

Lord  HUGH  CECIL  (U.,  Oxford  Univer- 
sity) said  that  the  PRIME  MINISTER  had 
once  again  broken  all  his  pledges. 
(Loud  cries  of  "  Witlidraiv.") 

Mr.  TILBY  (L.,  Clapham  Junction). 
The  gentlemanly  party ! 

Mr.  O'CALLAGHAN  (N.,  Killaloo).  Sure 
it 's  only  the  Oxforrd  mannerr. 

Mr.  CHIOZZA  MONEY  (L.,East  North- 
amptonshire) rose  to  a  point  of  order. 
Was  the  noble  lord  in  order  in  accusing 
the  PRIME  MINISTER  of  breaking  his 
word  ? 

The  CHAIRMAN  said  that  to  make  a 


serious  charge  against  the  right  honour- 
able gentleman  in  his  personal  capacity 
would  not  be  in  order,  but  one  could 
accuse  a  Prime  Minister  of  anything. 

Lord  HUGH  CECIL,  resuming  his 
speech,  said  that  the  Opposition  could 
not  do  less  than  insist  upon  the  sub- 
stitution of  the  word  "  notwithstanding" 
'or  the  word  "  although." 

Sir  WILLIAM  WINKS  (U.,  Eegent's 
Park)  rose  to  continue  the  debate,  and 
Mr.  ASQUITH  moved  the  closure. 

The  Committee  divided  and  there 
voted  : 

For  the  closure     .     .     .     312 
Against 201 

Government  majority    .     Ill 
The  Committee  then  divided  on  the 
amendment : 

For  the  amendment .     .     201 
Against 312 

Government  majority    .     Ill 

Mr.  WHISTLE  (U.,  Preston  North 
End)  moved  an  amendment  to  delete 
the  word  "  and."  He  said  that  if  this 
Bill  became  law  the  country  would 
to  all  intents  be  under  Single  Chamber 
government.  The  Government  had 
forced  this  resolution  on  the  country 
and  entirely  contrary  to  the  wishes  of 
the  country.  He  had  consulted  with  his 
friends  and  they  had  come  to  the  con- 
clusion that  it  was  their  duty  to  move 
that  the  word  "and"  be  deleted.  (Loud 
Opposition  cheers.) 

Mr.  ASQUITH  said  that  the  Govern- 
ment could  not  accept  the  amendment. 

Mr.  BALFOUR  said  that,  speaking  a: 
one  who  had  sat  in  that  House  for 
more  than  thirty-five  years,  he  was 
bound  to  say  that  never  in  the  whole 
course  of  his  Parliamentary  career  had 
he  known  the  House  to  be  treated  in 
the  contumelious  manner  affected  by 
the  PRIME  MINISTER.  (Loud  Opposition 
cheers.) 

Mr.  GOFFIN  (U.,Brooklands)  said  that 
this  Bill  was  the  beginning  of  the  end 

Mr.  BUTTERY  (L.,  Golders  Green^ 
ridiculed  the  idea  that  the  Bill  had  noi 
been  before  the  country.  He  said  thai 
in  1874— 

Earl  WINTEHTON.  Manners ! 

Mr.  BUTTERY  having  resumed  his 
seat,  Lord  HUGH  CECIL  rose  to  continue 
the  debate.  He  said  that  although 
they  could  no  longer  expect  the  PRIME 
MINISTER  to  observe  the  ordinary 
standards  of  honour  customary  in 
polite  society  they  did  not  expect  him 
deliberately  to  deceive  the  House 
(Prolonged  uproar,  all  the  Members 
speaking  at  once.) 

The  CHAIRMAN  said  that  he  gatherec 
that  the  accusations  of  the  honourable 
Member  for  Oxford  University  were 


nerely  academic.  He  appealed  to  Lib- 
3rals  to  allow  him  a  hearing.  When  the 
'itne  came  for  them  to  be  in  Opposition 
-hey  would  be  considerably  handi- 
:apped  if  they  could  not  accuse  the 
Government  of  deliberate  deception. 

Lord  HUGH  CECIL  said  that  the 
Opposition  insisted  on  the  omission 
of  the  word  "  and." 

Sir  WILLIAM  WINKS  rising  to  con- 
tinue the  debate,  Mr.  ASQUITH  moved 
ihe  closure.  This  was  accepted,  and 
the  Committee  then  voted  on  the 
imcndment : 

For  the  amendment     .     .      202 
Against 311 


Government  majority 


109 


The  reduction  in  the  Government's 
majority  was  received  with  loud  and 
prolonged  cheers  by  the  Opposition. 

Mr.  DIBBS  (U.,  Scafell  Pike)  moved 
that  an  exclamation  mark  be  sub- 
stituted for  the  full-stop  at  the  end  of 
the  clause.  He  said  that  under  the 
present  Government  the  defences  of 
the  country  were  starved.  (Loud  Op- 
position cheers.)  The  country  had  never 
properly  discussed  the  Parliament  Bill. 
Home  Eule  was  the  first  step  to  the 
disintegration  of  the  Empire. 

Mr.  ASQUITH,  on  behalf  of  the  Go- 
vernment, declined  the  amendment. 

Earl  WINTERTON.    Manners ! 

Mr.  BALFOUR  said  that,  speaking  as 
one  who  had  sat  in  that  House  for 
nearly  forty  years,  he  was  bound  to 
say  that,  never  in  the  whole  course  of 
his  Parliamentary  career,  a  career  ex- 
tending over  more  than  thirty-five 
years,  had  he  known  the  House  to  be 
treated  in  such  a — he  would  not  say 
outrageous — such  an  unprecedented 
manner,  as  it  had  been  on  this  occasion. 

Mr.  TOOKE  (L.,  Chesil  Beach)  said 
that  his  constituency,  at  any  rate,  was 
in  favour  of  the  Parliament  Bill. 

Lord  HUGH  CECIL  said  that  among 
gentlemen,  when  one  gentleman  gavo 
his  word  to  another  gentleman,  it  was 
customary  for  that  word  to  be  kept. 
In  a  corrupt  assembly  like  the  House 
of  Commons  the  word  gentleman  was 
defined  differently. 

An  Irish  Member.  Don't  you  play 
with  them,  Hughie. 

Earl  WINTERTON.  Manners,  there, 
manners ! 

Lord  HUGH  CECIL,  finishing  his 
argument,  said  that  the  least  the  PHJMI; 
MINISTER  could  do  now  was  to  substitute 
an  exclamation  mark  for  the  full-stop. 

Sir  WILLIAM  WINKS  rising  to  con- 
tinue the  debate,  Mr.  ASQUITH  moved 
the  closure. 

(And  so  on  till  the  Coronation.) 
A.  A.  M. 


Amu,  1'2,   1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CIIARIVAIM. 


253 


FROM    OUR   SEEDSMAN'S    ILLUSTRATED   CATALOGUE   OF  SENSITIVE   AND 

INTELLIGENT    PLANTS. 


THE  Bi'ituLARiA  CBEEFER. 

Hol.DS  THIEVES   UNTIL  THE  POLICE  AI'.UIVE. 


FEL1SC001TM. 
SCAKLS   AWAY   CATS — BAHKS   LIKE  A   DCG. 


AHUM  PHONOGRAPH ICUM,  OR  SINGING  LILY. 
SPEAKS  THE  LANGUAGE  OF  FLOWERS. 


ALABUM  JIATUTINUM. 
VARIETY  OF  THE  CANTERDURY  BELL. 


AN  ENDEMIC. 

[Lines  suggested  to  a  distracted  pedagogue  by 
the  outbreak  of  Conjunctivitis,  "popularly 
miscalled  Pink-eye,"  at  Os borne.] 

WE  know  it  well :  with  us  the  taint 

Is  chronic,  and  I  rather  think  I 
Can  diagnose  that  sore  complaint 

Known  to  the  vulgar  herd  as  "Pink- 
eye;" 
For  if  the  Primer,  rich  in  terms 

And  rules  for  guidance,  only  right  is, 
\\  c  'vo  plenty  suffering  from  the  germs 

Of  virulent  Conjunctivitis. 
Indicative  should  indicate, 

Conjunctive    should    conjoin    (says 
Grammar), 


But  youngsters  don't  appreciate 
How  diverse  peto  and  pctam  are. 

Non  regitis  for  "  do  not  rule  " 
Still  supersedes  ne  rcxeritis  : 

It  isn't  that  the  lad  's  a  fool ; 

He 's   touched  with   mild  Conjunc- 
tivitis. 

The  microbe  of  the  final  ut 

Spreads  sickness  only  very  few  shun ; 
OM<2«a-plague  wrecks  any  but 

The  very  toughest  constitution. 
Even  the  Sixth  are  not  immune : 

They,  the  immaculates,  the  rnighties, 
See  on  their  proses  lightly  strewn 

Bed  spots,  which  means  Conjuncti- 
vitis. 


O,  brimming  with  discoveries  new, 

Science,  with  what  delight  you  'd 

thrill  us, 
Could  you  but  isolate  the  true 

Conjunctivitical  bacillus! 
Then,  when  by  pathologic  purge 

Our  Latin  convalescent  quite  is, 
Try  Greek,  and  quell  that  deadly 
scourge, 

Congenital  Optativitis. 


"  Effie  "  in  The  People's  Friend  :— 
"If  nicely  cooked  and  stewed,  baked  haddock 

i  is  very  good." 

I  The  truth  about  "baked"  haddock  at 

I  but  I 


2G-1 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Ai-Kir.  12,  1911. 


THE  HUNT  STEEPLECHASE  SEASON. 

Sportsman  (assisting  Jockey  who  Juts  been  knocked  out).  "  STAND  BACK,  PLEASE  ;   A  LITTLE  MOKE  AIR  !    AND  HURRY  ur  WITH  THAT 
nr.ANDY  I  ' 

Faint  voice  from  Patient.   "NEVER  MIXD  'BOUT  IHE  AIR." 


THE    OYEESIGHT. 

THERE  was  a  subtle  change  in  Archi- 
bald's demeanour.  I  have  known 
Archibald  since  he  was  seven,  and  for 
ten  years  our  friendship  had  been  a 
beautiful  and  wondrous  thing.  Never 
before  had  the  slightest  shadow  fallen 
between  us.  Since  his  return  we  were 
outwardly  as  good  friends  as  ever, 
but—! 

Archibald  obviously  expected  some- 
thing. There  was  something  which  I 
ought  to  have  done  and  had  not  done. 
Perhaps  it  was  something  I  should 
have  said  or  noticed  or  grasped  in- 
stinctively. That  I  was  in  some  way 
remiss  was  obvious.  That  Archibald 
felt  disappointed  in  me  was  equally 
plain.  In  vain  I  waited  to  pounce 
upon  the  slightest  elusive  clue.  One 
thing  only  I  realised — that  the  mystery 
must  be  solved  by  intuition.  Our 
relations,  if  I  had  been  tactless  enough 
to  put  a  direct  question,  could  never 
have  been  the  same  again. 

Was  it  something  which  had  hap- 
pened during  that  month  in  Switzerland? 


His  sunburn  ?  No,  I  had  congratulated 
him  on  that.  I  had  inquired  tenderly 
after  the  heights  and  difficulties  of  the 
mountains  he  had  scaled ;  I  had  noticed 
the  hotel  labels  on  his  bag ;  I  had 
listened  with  adequate  interest  to  his 
accounts  of  "her"  and  his  casual 
references  to  the  other  girl;  I  had 
admired  his  snap-shots  and  perjured 
myself  with  reference  to  the  authenti- 
city of  the  chamois  horns.  Up  to  this 
point  I  knew  that  I  had  merited  his 
approval;  but  there  was  something 
else! 

The  solution  came  from  Archibald 
himself.  I  felt  instinctively,  even 
before  he  opened  his  lips,  that  he  was 
about  to  tell  me.  "Er,"  he  began. 
"Er— ah."  Then  I  krfew  he  was 
going  to. 

He  gave  me  one  last  despairing  look. 
There  was  still  time  for  me  to  retrieve 
myself  in  his  eyes.  I  lit  my  pipe 
deliberately  and  then  confessed  my- 
self beaten.  "Well?"  I  encouraged 
bim. 

"  Er — I — er — I,"  he  began  again,  and 
then  broke  off  into  a  falsetto  laugh. 


"  I  grew  a  moustache  when  I  was  it. 
Switzerland." 

I  felt  relieved.  "  My  dear  old  chap," 
I  cried  heartily,  "how  splendid  1  How 
simply  splendid!  But  what  on  earth 
have  you  shaved  it  off  again  for  ?  " 

Archibald  regarded  me  in  silence  for 
a  full  half-minute.  "  I  haven't,"  he 
remarked  shortly. 


GELEBT. 

TESTED  and  staunch  through  many  a 

changing  year, 
Gelert,    his    master's   faithful   hound, 

lies  here. 
Humble  in  friendship,  but  in  service 

proud, 
He    gave    to    man    whate'er  his  lot 

allowed ; 
And,  rich  in  love,  on  each  well-trusted 

friend 
Spent   all    his    wealth    and    still  had 

more  to  spend. 

Now,  reft  beyond  the  unfriendly  Stygi- 
an tide, 
For  these  he  yearns  and  has  no  wish 

beside.  B.  C.  L. 


!•_',    1911.] 


PUNCH, 


TIIK   LONDON   CII.MMV.MM. 


367 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

l'.\  I  l!  A(-1K1)  Kl:nM  THE  DlAKY  OF  ToBY,  M.  P.  ) 


l[f)IIM'  «f 


—173  Questions  on  the;  Paprr. 
accustomed    supplementary 


l/,  Ajll  ll   '•'<. 


dressed  to  PKIMK  MINISTKII  personally. 
Hence  these  twenty-six  questions  on 
to-day's  list,  a  number  equal  to  average 

aggregate    addressed   at    single    sitting 


\Vitbjto  full  muster  of  Ministers  before  the 
Lia-    I  ';i  rue]  lit  es  appeared  on  the  scene,  diang- 
tions   this   means  a  minimum   of  L'">().    ing  com])lexion  of  Question  liour  and 


and  not  one  of  them  containing  a  super- 
fluous word. 

Jliid  MII.  G.  been  still  with  us  leading 
I'M    House  to-day,  we  should  have  had 
.-six  speeches,  probably   raising 
by  Supplementary  Questions  as  many 
miniature  debates.  Truly,  as  SAHK  says, 


"Which,"  as  EUCLID  might  say,    "  is  ^  much  else  in  Parliamentary  procedure. ,  Speech  is  silvern  but  Brevity  is  golden. 


absurd."  A  special  feature 
of  to-day's  industry  is  the  | 
swelling  number  personally 
addressed  to  1'imii:  MINIS- 
TKK. These  run  up  to  i2(>, 
representing  a  serious  tax 
upon  timo  and  attention  of 
already  overworked  states- 
man. 

As  the  performance,  with 
i';i  rest  exceptions  absolutely 
devoid  of  public  interest  or 
service,  goes  forward  House 
thinks  gratefully  of  what 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  has  done, 
if  not  absolutely  to  free  it 
from  the  plague,  at  least  to 
limit  its  extension.  It  was 
he,  born  and  bred  a  Conser- 
vative, Leader  of .  Conser- 
vative Party,  who  with  bold 
hand  at  various  times  prun- 
ed and  trimmed  the  hedge 
of  parliamentary  procedure. 
One  result  is  that  House, 
faced  by  this  long  list  of 
personal  advertisements 
printed  at  public  expense, 
knows  the  worst.  On  stroke 
of  quarter  to  four,  Ques- 
tions, commencing  to  reel 
off  at  twenty  minutes  to 
three,  are  automatically  and 
absolutely  interrupted,  and 
the  business  of  the  sitting 
beans. 

The  putting  of  Questions 
is  at  once  the  cheapest  and 
the  most  effective  form  of 
parliamentary  advertising. 
A  Member  may  have  been 
at  pains  to  prepare  a  speech, 
and  if  lie  has  the  good  for- 
tune, to  catch  the  SPEAKER'S 
eye  he  may  deliver  it. 
Looking  over  reports  of 
debate  in  morning  papers 
with  desire  to  check  any 
misapprehension  on  the 
part  of  the  reporter,  _he  will 
find  it  written, "  Afte'r  a  few 
words  from  Mr.  POUGHKEEPSY,"  some- 
one else  got  up.  But  if  he  addresses  a 
question  to  a  Minister  he  is,  unless  he 
drifts  too  far  down  the  list,  bound  to 
be  called  upon,  and,  more  especially  if 
lie  seasons  it  with  a  spice  of  personality, 
the  incident  will  be  reported  verbatim. 

The  best  chance  for  such  advertise- 
ment, equivalent  to  back  page  of 
daily  or  weekly  paper,  is  when  ad- 


THE  GOOD  YOUNG  MEX. 

"Look  at  the  sponsors  of  the  Bill — the  POSTMASTER-GENERAL,  the 
UXUKK-SECIIETARY  (of  the  Home  Department),  and  the  SOLICITOR- 
GENERAL.  He  did  not  believe  any  one  of  them  in  his  most  hilarious 
moments  had  ever  1  een  guilty  of  a  smile  that  would  have  been  dis- 
creditable to  a  stained-glass  window."  (Loud  laughter.) — The  Member  for 
South,  Hackney  tm  the  Shopi  Sill. 

(Mr.  MA.STERMAX,  Mr.  HERBERT  SAMUEL,  and  Sir  JOHX  SIMOX.) 


Business  done. — Amid 
murmur  of  sympathy  and 
regret,  writ  ordered  to  issue 
for  Haddingtonshire,  to  till 
vacancy  created  by  HAL- 
DANE'S  acceptance  of  peer- 
age. Apart  from  sorrow  at 
severance  of  old  ties  of 
association,  this  incident  of 
moving  new  writ,  common 
enough  in  itself,  comes 
home  to  some  of  us  with 
awakening  stroke.  If  Go- 
vernment could  get  their 
five  hundred  new  Peers 
"  made  in  Germany,"  as  are 
sausages,  Sheffield  steel 
knives,  and  other  domestic 
commodities,  all  would  be 
well.  But  we  know  that 
many  Ministerialists  must, 
if  things  come  to  the  worst, 
join  Viscount  HALDANE  in 
another  place,  leaving  ter- 
rible gaps. 

Tuesday. — House  buckled 
to  in  Committee  on  Par- 
liament Bill.  Engagement 
opened  under  fire  of  nine 
hundred  amendments  di- 
rected against  modest  meas- 
ure of  five  clauses.  Peculi- 
arity about  debate  as  far  as 
it  has  gone  is  persistent 
effort  by  Opposition  to  dis- 
cuss a  question  not  before 
Committee. 

The  merchant,  to  secure  his 

treasure, 

Conveys  it  in  a  borrowed 
name  : 

Euphi'lia  serves  to  grace  my 

measure, 
Hut  Chloe  is  my  real  flame. 

So,  whilst  Opposition, 
from  PRINCE  ARTHUR  down- 
ward, move  amendments  to 
the  operative  clauses  of  the 
Bill  and  profess  to  discuss 


them,  the  Preamble  is  their 
real  flame. 

Happens  that,  in  accord- 
Happily,  in  this  form  of  encounter, '  ance  with  Standing  Order  35,  the 
as  in  others,  ASQUITH  is  a  hard  nut  i  Preamble — if  there  be  one  ;  its  appear- 
to  crack.  Some  of  the  Questions  he '  ance  on  a  Public  Bill  is  unusual  and 
delegated  for  reply  by  the  Minister  unnecessary — is  set  on  one  side  till 
whose  department  was  most  closely  operative  clauses  have  been  discussed, 
concerned,  and  who  more  properly  ',  The  first  question  put  by  Chairman  on 
ought  to  have  been  addressed.  Others  !  going  into  Committee  is  "  That  the 
he  grouped  by  the  half-dozen,  mak- !  Preamble  be  postponed."  Thus  re- 
ing  one  answer.  To  all  he  offered  un-  j  legated  to  the  rear,  it  may  not 
impeachable  replies,  direct  and  lucid,  j  be  debated ;  to  be  exact,  should  not 


2G8 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  12,  1911. 


be  mentioned,  in  discussion  until  in  due ' 
time  it  is  reached. 

This  technical  disability  only  adds  to 
concern  of  Members.'  Comfort  was 
nearer  to  Rachel  weeping  for  her 
children  than  it  is  to  COUSIN  HUGH, 
CASTLEREAGH,  CBIITS  and  others  bereft 
of  the  company  of:the  Preamble.  Not 
quite  certain  that  it  is.  well  with  the 
child.  Distrustful  of  dubious  intention 
of  its  parents.  'This  disposition  lends 
touch  of  comody  to  what  is  otherwise,  j 
considering  its  importance,  dull  debate,  j 

Business  done.— In  Committee  on 
Parliament  Bill. 

Thursday.— In.  pursuance  of  deter- 
mination to  av.ert  spoliation  '  of  St. 
James's  Park  by  any  proposal  to  over- 


kangaroo  said  when  it  contemplated1  a 
somersault  over  the  .elephant's  back, 
would  have  been  no  joke. 

In  this  conspicuous  act  of  public 
service  WASON  had  whole  House  with 
him.  Forgetful  of  Veto  Bills,  Budgets, 
Home  Rule  and  .Welsh  Disestablish- 
ment, Members  united  in  determination 
to  save  ono  of  the  most  precious  pos- 
sessions bequeathed  to  London  since 
Stuart  times.  PHEMIEB,  unfailingly- 
shrewd  reader  of  temper  of  House,  early 
gave  pledge  that  proposals  of  Mansion 
House  Committee  should  not  be  carried 
out  before  they  were  submitted  to  judg- 
ment of  House.  This  was  equivalent  to 
saying  they  were  dead.  St.  James's 
Park  was  as  good  as  saved. 


Journalistic  Candour. 
"  An  apology  seems  due,  and  I  have  tha 
greatest  possible  pleasure  in  tendering  it,  to  a 
distinguished  rowing  critic,  some  of  whose 
remarks  appeared  quite  unconscientiously  in 
these  notes  last  Sunday  and  without  acknow- 
ledgment."— "Pollex"  in  "  The  Observer." 

From  the  Civil  Service  Stores  Cat- 
alogue : — 

"Iron  Saucepans         ...         347 
,,      Sausages  in  tins  160" 

Is  this  the  result  of  displacing  cab- 
horses  by  taxis  ? 

"Defendant.  ..  struck  witness  in  the  face  and 
knocked  off  her  spectacles,  which  were  bent  ou 
falling  to  the  grounl.' — The  Daily  Telegraph. 

If  they  were  really  bent  on  it  we  can 
only  congratulate  them  on  at  last 
achieving  their  object. 


Tommy  (after  the  correction).   "I  FINK  I 'I.L  GO  BACK  10  HEAVEX  WHEBE  I  CAME  FROM 


load  it  with  statues,  to  destroy  its 
simple  bridge,  to  build  highways  broad 
or  narrow  athwart  its  bosky  dells, 
Committee  of  Members  who  have  taken 
matter  in  hand  summoned  to  meet 
Lhis  evening.  Gathering  unnecessary 
since  victory  is  already  won.  Man- 
sion House  Committee  responsible  for 
threatened  vandalism  have  capitulated. 
Scheme  is  abandoned. 

Have  hazy  notion  of  reading  some- 
j  where — was  it  in  Tit  Bits  ? — how  in  days 
i  of  old  a  patriot  threw  his  body  athwart 
j  the  chariot  of  captain  of  invading  host 
I  and   so  tipped  it   and   him  over  con- 
:  venient  precipice.   In  equally  lofty  spirit 
•  CATHCAHT  'WASON  laid  his  full  length 
across  roadway  LORD  MAYOR'S  coach 
was  expected  to  pass,  with  its  Com- 
mittee smd  its  Scheme.     Had  it  con- 
tinued its  journey  it  must  have  passed 
over    his    body,    and     that,    as     the 
I 


That  is  no  reason  why  a  memorial 
which  the  nation  desires  to  see  erected 
to  the  honour  of  a  great  King  should 
not  find  a  place  in  the  scenes  that  he 
loved  so  well. 

Like  Popkin  in  one  of  DIZZY'S  early 
speeches,  like  General  TROCHU  at  the 
siege  of  Paris,  the  MEMBER  FOR  SAHK 
has  his  plan.  Why  not  set  it  up  in 
the  Green  Park,  in  the  broad  thorough- 
fare at  present  uselessly  confined  to 
foot-passengers,  and  convert  this  into 
a  carriage  highway?  The  monument 
would  be  seen  of  all  men,  whilst  a 
carriage  drive  connecting  the  foot 
of  Constitution  Hill  with  Piccadilly 
would  be  an  immense  boon  to  busy 
Londoners. 

First  Commissioner  and  his  col- 
leagues on  Memorial  Committee  might 
think  this  over. 

Business  done. — Committee  of  Supply. 


"At  a  meeting  of  the  Tynemouth  Junior 
Unionist  Association,  Mr.  Joseph?  Knowles,  the 
secretary,  was  speaking  of  the  advisability  of 
organising  the  ladies  of  the  bore  ugh.  "We 
should  embrace  the  ladies,"  he  said  seriously, 
and  an  uproarious  shout  of  approval  greeted  his 
sentiments.  Of  eourae,  Mr.  Knowles  was'speak- 
ing  figuratively." — Newcastle  Journal. 

We  are  not  sure  that  "figuratively"' 
makes  things  much  better  for  Mr. 
KNOWLES,  but  it  freshens  up  an  old 
jest. 

From  a  report  in  The  Hampshire 
Observer  of  a  public  meeting  of  tha 
inhabitants  of  Old  Alresford  : — 

"Mr.  E.  Broad  then  proposed  that  the 
Coronation  be  celebrated  ou  the  sime  lines  as 
that  of  the  late  King,  viz.,  by  festivities  and 
general  rejoicing.  On  being  put  to  the  meeting 
this  was  carried  unanimously.  The  question  of 
the  actual  day  wa?  then  considered.  After 
some  discussion  Mr.  Mills  proposed  the  22acl 
i  June — Coronation  Day." 

Old  Alresford  is  full  of  bright  ideas. 


Arm:,  1:2,   1911.1 


IMN(  II,    OR   TIIK    LONDON    CIIAIM  VAIM. 


2G9 


PENELOPE'S   STORY. 

"I  IIA\I:  just  written  a  won.leifu 
story,"  \\rote  IVnelope,  ••  iiiid  I  want 
\<iu  tn  criticise  it  for  inc.  I  \\its  eoi, 
tn  srml  it  to  you,  but  haven't  1111  en- 
velope I  hat  will  take  it.  Si  i  comet  n  i<>; 
on  Tuesday,  and  you  can  read  it  here.' 
"  If  you  haven't  an  rnvrlopr  that 
will  tit  your  story,"  I  replied,  "yoi 
should  write  a  story  that  will  fit  youi 
envelope.  However,  I  '11  come." 

1  found  Penelope  in  the  cupboanj 
she  is  pleased  to  call  her  study,  sitting 
in  the  one  armchair  that  could  be 
coaxed  into  the  den  and  in  an  obvi- 
ously rehearsed  attitude.  At  the 
moment  of  my  entry  she  was  writhing, 
ii  was  made  to  appear,  in  the  throes 
of  incipient  inspiration. 

"  So  glad  you  could  come,"  she  said. 
"Now  have  something  to  eat,  and  then 
you  can  read  the  story.  Only  don't 
take  too  long  over  your  tea.  I  'in  sure 
you  '11  like  it." 

"  I  'm   certain    I    shall,"   I   replied. 
"  Fortunately  I  had  a  light  lunch." 
"  I  meant  the  story.     Sugar?  " 
"Several.     What   delicious   sand- 
wiches!" 

Penelope,  who  took  nothing  herself, 
eyed  every  morsel  I  ate  with  impatience. 
"Finished?"  she  asked,  when  I  had 
had  but  three  sandwiches. 

I  dislike  being  hurried  over  my  food  ; 
besides,  I  really  was  hungry,  and  there 
were  buttered  buns  and  cherry-cake  to 
come.  So  I  nir  nched  resolutely  on,  until 
Penelope  was  on  the  verge  of  tears. 

';  What  a  pig  you  are  !  "  she  ex- 
claimed. "  Pass  me  one  of  those 
buns." 

1  passed  the  dish  in  injured  silence, 
had  another  cup  of  tea  and  a  slice  of 
cake,  and  then  heaved  a  sigh  of  satis- 
faction. Penelope  hailed  the  move- 
ment with  undisguised  relief.  "  Now 
for  the  story,"  she  said,  as  she  took  a 
pile  of  smudged  and  blotted  paper  out 
of  i!  drawer  and  put  the  pages  in  order. 
"Hero  it  is,  and  here's  a  blue  pencil 
for  you." 

"  Why  a  blue  pencil  ?  "  I  asked. 
"  You  must   have  a  blue  pencil  to 
make    the  alterations.      All  the  best 
editors  use  them." 

"  But  I  never  can  v.-rite  with  a  blue 
pencil,"  I  protested.  "  Besides,  they  're 
so  unpleasant  to  lick." 

Hie    threw   the   implement   with    a 
ire  of  contempt   into  the  waste- 
basket    and     handed     me     the 
manuscript.    Penelope's  writing  is  evil 
enough   at    the  hc*t  of  times,  but  here 
there  \\ashardlya   sentence  that  had 
no!  been  crossed  out  and  re-written— 

some  of  t  hem  several  times  OV6T.      The 
Whole  thing  was  a  nightmare  palimp- 


Tourist  (at  Irlsli  hotel).  "You  SEEM  TIKEII,  PAT!" 

Waiter.  "Viss,  SOUK.     UP  VEKY  EARLY  THIS  MORNING — HALF-FAST  six!' 

TourU.  "I  DON'T  CALL  HALF-FAST  six  EARLY  !" 

Waiter  (yuick'y).  ''WELL,  HALF-FAST  FIVE,  THIN!'' 


"  Supposing,"  I  suggested  politely, 
'  you  were  to  read  it  to  me  instead  ;  I 
could  get  the  hang  of  the  thing  better. 
3r,  better  still,  supposing  you  were  to 
jegin  with  an  outline  of  the  plot." 

"  If  you  like.  Well,  it  "s  all  about 
,he  struggle  between  two  men  for  the 
~.ove  of  a  girl.  Do  you  like  it  ?  " 

"  It  sounds  fresh,"  I  said. 

"Well,  listen.  The  hero's  name  is 
Jasper  Lascelles,  and  the  villain  is 
Dick  Ferrers." 

"Good  heavens!"  I  cried.      "That 


will  never  do.  No  hero  is  ever  called 
Jasper,  and  no  Dick  could  possibly 
be  a  villain  —  not  in  a  story.  You 
must  make  it  the  other  way  about." 

"  But  why?"  asked  Penelope. 

"  It 's  one  of  the  laws  of  literature. 
No  magazine  would  accept  your  story 
if  you  trilled  with  tradition  like  that. 
You  '11  be  telling  me  nest  that  your 
hero  is  dark-complexioned  and  your 
villain  curly-haired  and  Saxon." 

"  Well,  why  shouldn't  they  be  ?  I 
"ke  dark  men  and  I  hate  curly  Saxon 


270 


PUNCH,   Oil  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  12.  1911. 


hair.      And   I    like   tho   namo   Jasper 
;uul  I  hate  Dick.     So  there." 

When  Penelope  clinches  a  statement 
with  "  So  there,"  it  is  useless  to  argue 
the  matter  further.  Meekly  enough  I 
invited  her  to  continue  her  synopsis. 

"Tho  heroine,"  she  resumed,  "is 
Carmencita  Delafontaine.  Both  her 
parents  died  when  she  was  a  child. 
Her  mother  was  an  Italian  opera- 
>:ngor  and  her  father  an  English  artist 
of  Huguenot  extraction.  Their  mar- 
riage was  a  very  romantic  one.  \\  hile 
sketching  ono  day  in  Venice,  Maurice 
Delafontaine — that's  the  father;  he 
was  really  a  great  artist,  but  was  not 
properly  appreciated  until  after  his 
death.  He  used  to  have  awful  rows 
with  the  critics,  and  wrote  very  clever 
sarcastic  letters  about  them  to  the 
papers ;  so  of  course  that  made  them 
all  the  more  bitter  against  him.  And 
lie  wouldn't  sell  any  of  his  pictures, 
but  left  them  all  to  Carmencita  when 
he  died  of  a  broken  heart  a  few  months 
after  his  wife's  death.  And  the  pic- 
tures came  to  be  worth  thousands  of 
pounds  each,  and  CHRISTIES  went 
down  on  their  kn3es  to  Carmencita  to 
sell  them,  but  she  wouldn't,  because 
she  -worshipped  her  father's  memory 
ancliwas  very  strong-minded  and  wrote 
stories  at  ten  guineas  a  thousand  words. 
Do  you  like  it  ?  " 

I  made  a  non-committal  gurgle. 
"I  thought  you  would.  Well,  I  was 
telling  you  about  the  romantic  way  in 
which  Carmencita's  parents  got  mar- 
ried! He  was  sketching  one  day  from 
a  gondola  which  was  moored  to  the 
wall  of  an  old  castle  when  he  heard  a 
most  exquisite  voice  singing  the  what- 
d'ydu-call-it  from  Traviala.  The  voice 
came  from  a  window  right  above  him, 
and  he  was  so  entranced  that  he 
climbed  up  the  wall — 

"  Fortunately  there  happened  to  be 
a  rope  -  ladder  suspended  from  the 
window,"  I  suggested. 

"  Oh,  something  of  the  sort ;  or  else 
he  clambered  up  the  ivy.  Do  they 
have  ivy  in  Venice  ?  Find  out  for  me, 
will  you  ?  However,  he  got  on  to  the 
window-ledge,  and  just  as  the  singer 
had  finished  he  chimed  in  with  the 
tenor's  part.  He  had  a  naturally  fine 

baritone  voice '' 

"  Baritone  ?  "  I  inquired. 


mencita's  parent.-;  for  the  present  and 
COIHO  to  it.  What 's  the  story  all 
about?" 

"  1  'in  telling  you  :  you  can't  gain  a 
proper  impression  of  Carmi'ncita's  ex- 
traordinary character  unless  you  know 
something"  about  her  parents  and  her 
upbringing.  She  was  educated  on 


Oh,  well,  it  must  have  been  the 
baritone's  part  he  sang.  He  certainly 
was  a  baritone,  because  he  had  an 
auburn  beard,  and  it  needn't  have  been 
the  thing  from  Trariata,  but  something 
from  something  else.  You  mustn't 
worry  about  these  trivial  points  just 
now  ;  tho  main  thing  is  the  plot." 

"  Yes,  the  main  thing  is  the  plot,"  I 
assented.     "  Suppose   you    drop    Car- 


en  lirely  novel  lines.      Until  she  was 
seventeen — — " 

"  No,  no,"  I  insisted  firmly  ;  "  I  want 
the  plot,  and  nothing  but  the  plot. 
What  about  Jasper  and  Dick?  " 

"  I  was  coining  to  them.  Jasper 
r.ascelles  is  the  editor  of,  the  magazine 
that  takes  Carmencita's  stories,  and  fell 
in  love  with  her,  long  before  he  had 
ever  seen  her,  through  reading  her 
manuscripts.  Dick  Ferrers  had  the 
education  of  a  gentleman,  but  chose  to 
become  an  art-dealer,  and  makes  love 
to  Carmencita  in  order  to  obtain  pos- 
session of  her  father's  pictures,  which 
are  wprth  millions.  Nosv  you  see  how 
necessary  the  other  part  is." 
'  "  Yes ;  but  what  do  the  rivals  do  ? 
What  of  their  struggle  ?  " 

"  Well,  that 's  as  far  as  I  've  got  at 
prevent.  I  haven't  quite  thought  out 
the  rest  of  the  plot,  except  that 
Jasper,  of  course,  marries  Carmen- 
cita in  the  end,  after  a  misunder- 
standing, because  Dick  had  prompted 
Carmencita  to  send  in  a  story  undei 
an  assumed  name,  and  Jasper  had 
rejected  it.  Only  it  wasn't  really  his 
fault,  because  Dick  had  altered  it  before 
it  reached  him,  making  it  bad  grammai 
and  not  quite  the  kind  of  story  a  nice 
girl  would  write.  It 's  just  here  that  ] 
want  your  help.  But  of  course  you 
must  read  the  whole  thing  first,  so  as 
to  know  exactly  the  sort  of  girl  Car 
mencita  is,  and  then  you  can  sugges 
the  best  way  to  work  out  the  plot." 

"I'm  fearfully  sorry,"  I  said,  "bu 
I  haven't  time  to  read  it  now ;  I  'n 
expected  home  to  dinner.  What  . 
should  suggest  is  that  you  finish  it  oi 
on  your  own  lines,  have  it  typed,  am 
then  send  it  on  to  me,  and  I  may  b 
able  to  make  a  few  suggestions." 

"  Well,  I  don't  think  you  "re  ver 
helpful ;  besides,  it  costs  such  a  lot  t 
get  things  typed.  But  if  you  reall 
like  the  story  I  suppose  it  's  wort 
while.  I  '11  send  it  on  in  a  day  or  two. 

It  was  over  a  fortnight  before 
received  an  untidy  brown-paper  parce 
from  Penelope.  On  opening  it  I  foun 
the  manuscript  in  the  very  self-sam 
state  of  disreputability  that  had  s 
repelled  me  on  the  occasion  of  m 
visit,  together  with  a  note  in  Penelope 
most  impossible  scrawl. 

"I'm    afraid,"   she   wrote,   "that 
shan't  be  able  to  find  time  to  finish  o 
the  story,  as  I  have  just  joined  som 


ucky  art-classes.  So  let 's  corroborate 
ver  the  story.  You  finish  it  and  send 

somewhere,  and  we  '11  halvo  the 
routs." 

But  I  make  it  a  rule  never  to 
corroborate" — even  with  so  versatile 

creature  as  Penelope. 


MOMUS  AND  PLASTER. 

[Mr.  J.  M.  CARRIE'S  gift  of  a  \>ron,'f  si. i tin; 
Fetor  Pan  to  Kensington  Gardens  has  had 
pme  amusing  n  suits.] 

Mu.  G.  B.  SHAW  has  arranged  with 
I.  RODIN  for  a  nude  mammoth  statue 
f  himself,  accompanied  by  a  pigmy 
HAKSPEAEE,  to  bo  erected  opposite 
vhatever  site  is  chosen  for  the  SHAK- 
rEARE  memorial,  in  honour  of  Man 
nd  Superman, 

Mr.  GALSWORTHY  has  commissioned 
VIr.  EPSTEIN,  the  sculptor  of  the  char'm- 
ng  and  sprightly  figures  on  the  facade 
t  the  corner  of  the  Strand  and  Agar 
itreet,  to  make  a  gigantic  statue  of 
Velcome,  which  is  to  be  erected  just 
nside  the  gates  of  Holloway  Castle, 
h  replicas  at  the  entrance  of  gaols 
vll  over  the  country,  in  commemoration 
)f  The  Silver  Box  and  Justice. 

In  order  to  mark  tho  prosperous 
enaissanc3  of  the  British  drama  at 
Drury  Lane,  a  statue  of  M.  POIUF.T. 
.he  inventor  of  the  harem  skirt,  is  to 
)e  placed  in  the/o!/<?r  of  that  theatre. 

Sir  ARTHUR  PINERO  has  arranged  for 
he  great  success  of  his  latter-day 
Iramatic  career  to  be  memorialised  for 
ill  time  by  a  colossal  statuary  group 
which  will  be  erected  in  the  centre  of 
the  road  immediately  in  front  of  the 
3arrick  Club.  The  subject  is  LINDLEY 
MURRAY  between  Comedy  and  Tragedy. 

Sir  HERBERT  BEERBOHM  TREE  has 
arranged  with  Mr.  DERWENT  WOOD, 
A.E.A.,  to  make  a  more  than  life-si/e 
statue  of  himself  for  erection  in  the 
centre  of  Leicester  Square  as  a 
memorial  of  the  success  of  certain 
Shakespearean  revivals  at  His  Majesty's 
Theatre.  The  first  plaster  sketch  wai 
so  impressionistic  that,  according  to  a 
witty  critic,  "You  could  not  seo  the 
Tree  for  the  Wood ;  "  but  this  defecl 
has  now  been  removed,  and  the  greal 
actor-manager  promises  to  dominate 
the  whole  Square. 

As  a  mark  of  the  favour  with  whicl 
The  Quaker  Girl  has  been  received  a 
the  Adelphi,  Mr.  GEORGE  EDWARDES 
will  unveil  a  statue  of  GEORGE  Fox  to 
be  erected  at  Bournville. 


"It  was  a  feminine  sightseer  who  left  he 
hotel  in  a  taxicab." — London  (tjiiniun. 

Just  like  a  woman.     Still  she  could 
always  get  it  back  from  Scotland  Yard. 


APRIL  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OJl   THK   LONDON   CJIAKIVAKI. 


271 


THE  OBSTEUCTEE  OF 
TBAFFIC. 

IT  was  a  windy  day  and  I 
was  principally  concerned  with 
trying  to  keep  my  hat  on ; 
therefore  it  was  not  until  the 
West  Highland  terrier  had 
wound  himself  round  my  legs 
with  the  cunning  and  precision 
of  an  American  bolas  that  I 
quite  realized  what  was  happen- 
ing. Then  I  looked  up  and  saw 
Miss  Wilkinson  at  the  other 
end  of  the  lariat.  "  Oh,  it's  you, 
is  it?"  I  said.  "Do  you  think 
it  quite  nice  to  entrap  single 
young  men  in  this  manner?" 

"  I  'in  so  sorry,"  she  explained, 
"  lie  will  do  it ;  you  're  the  third  this 
morning,  and  the  last  was  a  police- 
man. Are  you  going  this  way? 
You  might  come  homo  and  lunch 
with  us." 

"  Well,  I  wasn't,  you  know,"  I  said ; 
"  but  since  you  have  roped  me  in,  I 
may  as  well  go  quietly  to  the  stockade. 
What "s  his  name?" 

"  Alan  Breck  Stewart,"  she  replied 
as  I  disentangled  myself,  "Breck  for 
short." 

"  I  see ;  Breek,  Breck,  Breck,  like  that 
poem  of  TENNYSON'S.  What  you  ought 
really  to  clo  with  a  puppy  that  hasn't 
learnt  to  follow  is  to  put  him  on  a 


LIKE    TO    LIKE. 


little  wheeled  trolley,  with  his  paws 
fastened  down  firmly,  and  drag  him 
along.  Then  he  would  get  the  hang 
of  the  thing,  you  know." 

At  this  point  we  cast  anchor  suddenly 
round  the  hase  of  a  lamp-post. 

"It's  so  silly  of  him,"  said  iliss 
Wilkinson  ;  "  he  never  can  see  that  he 
must  go  hack  the  way  he  came;  he 
always  will  try  to  get  round  the  other 
side." 

"  It  is  a  case  for  firmness,"  I  declared ; 
"  leave  him  to  me  a  moment.  First  of 
all  I  am  going  to  hold  him  up  by  the  tail." 

"Why?"  she  asked. 

"  Well,  it  shows  whether  he  's  well- 


bred  to  begin  with ;  if  not,  of 
•course  his  eyes  would  drop  out. 
And,  secondly,  ifc  makes  the 
blood  rush  to  the  head,  thereby 
enhancing  the  mental  faculties. 
Now  I  'in  going  to  take  him 
off  the  lead,  and  speak  to  him 
quietly  but  distinctly." 

Eeplaced  upon  the  pavement, 
Alan  Breck  Stewart  looked  up 
at  us  with  eyes  that  positively 
beamed  with  docile  intelligence. 
For  some  minutes  after  he  trot- 
ted quietly  to  heel,  meditating. 
"  It 's  no  use,  really,"  said 
Miss  Wilkinson,  "  he 's  certain 
to  do  something  stupid ;  wo  "ve 
lost  him  twice  already  and  had 
to  pay  two  guineas  reward. 
He's  quite  a  well-known  contributor 
to  the  papers." 

At  this  point  the  adventurer  espied  a 
sparrow  in  the  middle  of  the  road,  and 
cantered  briskly  towards  it  with  that 
peculiar  slantwise  action  of  his  hind- 
quarters which  he  appears  to  think  suits 
his  style  of  beauty.  At  the  same  moment 
a  huge  touring-car  came  up  the  road, 
and  jerked  itself  out  of  forty  miles  an 
hour  with  a  wrench  that  must  have 
taken  a  month's  wear  out  of  the  tyres. 
It  just  managed  to  stop  about  a  foot 
in  front  of  Alan  Breck,  who,  standing 
unperturbed  on  the  spot  where  he 
had  confidently  marked  his  sparrow, 


r 


27-2 


PUNCH, 


OK 


TIIK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  12,  1911. 


I 


seemed  puzzled  but  not  unnoyul.  Ho 
sniffed  the  front  of  the  c-;v  and  trotted 
slowly  hack  to  us.  Meanwhile  the 
chauffeur  was  saying  things  softly  to 
himself  about  dogs  in  general  and 
Alan  Breck  in  particular— things  that 
reflected  on  the  Scotchman's  character 
and  pride  of  pedigree.  He  also  seemed 
to  believe  in  a  future  life  for  animals. 
I  apologised,  and  we  put  Alan  Breck  on 
the  lead  again.  His  bag  for  the  rest 
of  the  way  consisted  of  an  errand-boy, 
a  perambulator,  his  own  front-paws 
(three  times),  and  two  ladies  who, 
owing  to  the  curious  conformation  of 
their  skirts,  seemed  to  have  some 
difficulty  in  walking  as  it  was.  Each 
time  Alan  Breck  looked  up  patiently 
and  asked  to  be  unwound.  He  had  a 
good  appetite  for  his  puppy  biscuit  at 
lunch  and,  after  thoroughly  testing  the 
china  plate  with  his  tongue  to  see 
whether  leadless  glaze  had  been  em- 
ployed, lay  down  with  a  sigh  in  front 
of  the  fire,  probably  to  compose  a  new 
Scotch  reel. 


THE  GRUMBLERS'  CORNER. 

Le  Matin  has  established  a  column 
in  which  all  kinds  of  grievances  may 
be  stated.  Mr.  Punch  adopts  the  idea 
for  his  own  dissatisfied  countrymen. 

Mr.  LANSBURY,  M.P.,  writes:  "  There 
is  no  scandal  to  compare  with  the 
waste  of  time  and  energy  in  the  House 
of  Commons.  I  recently  made  a  care- 
ful analysis  of  a  day's  proceedings,  and 
I  found  that,  of  the  seven  hours  occupied 
in  speeches,  two  hours  twenty -five 
minutes  were  given  to  idle  forms  of 
courtesy.  Such  a  phrase  as  "Honour- 
able Member  for  So-and-so  "  makes  me 
mad.  None  of  us  think  other  Members 
honourable,  and  the  sooner  we  cease 
to  pretend  that  we  do  the  better  for 
England.  The  way  to  refer  to  another 
Member  is  by  his  surname  only.  I  am 
plain  LANSBURY,  and  I  expect  others  to 
be  the  same.  Again  there  is  the  absurd 
tradition  of  catching  the  SPEAKER'S  eye. 
Every  man  should  have  as  much  right 
to  speak  as  another,  and  should  not 
have  to  wait  to  be  called.  In  short 
the  House  is  not  a  place  of  legislation 
at  all,  but  a  museum  of  medievalism 
Coming  now  to  the  third,  and  perhaps 
worst  scandal,  I  refer  to  the  PRESIDENT 

OF  THE  LOCAL  GOVERNMENTBOAHD 

[Not  here.  ED.  Punch.] 
Mr.  Jay  Penn  writes :  "  I  wish  to 
protest  with  all  my  power  against  the 
modern  practice  of  allowing  publishers 
in  their  advertisements  to  eulogise  theii 
books.  That  privilege  belongs  to  the 
reviewer  and  the  reader,  and  to  them 
alone.  Publishers'  advertisements  be 
come  more  disgusting  every  day.  Each 
new  book  is  a  classic  and  a  miracle 


mlil   we   don't   know    where  we   are,  i  relatively  harmless ;  now  that  we  have 


run.     Had  I  taken 
seven   daily  papers 


the  conscientious  literary  man  who 
chances  to  have  a  publisher  of  decent 
•estraint  is  lost." 

Mr.  B.  Punter  writes :  "  A  most 
unsatisfactory  state  of  things  which 
leeds  careful  legislation  is  the  irre- 
sponsibility of  the  Press.  There  are  a 
number  of  papers,  each  assuming  great 
minority  and  eacli  making  money  by 
this  authority,  which  are  permitted 
an  apathetic  and  cynical  Govern- 
ment to  mislead  exactly  as  they  like. 
I  will  give  you  an  example— racing 
Jps.  With  one  or  two  exceptions  all 
our  morning  and  evening  papers  offer 
their  readers  advice  as  to  the  horses 
that  will  win.  And  how  often  are  they 
right?  Almost  never.  Yet  all  do  it 
and  make  money  by  it.  Take,  for 
sample,  the  Grand  National,  recently 
the  advice  of  the 
which  I  read  I 

should  have  backed  seven  horses  not 
one  of  which  reached  the  post  at  all. 
Is  not  this  an  abuse  ?  And  an  indefen- 
sible one?  I  think  so." 

Mr.  LOWTHER  BHIDGER  writes: 
;  Can  nothing  be  done  to  combat  the 
confusion  which  arises  from  two  public 
men  being  allowed  to  bear  the  same, 
or  practically  the  same,  name.  For 
many  years  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  was 
allowed  to  enjoy  the  possession  of  this 
combination  undisturbed.  But  now  on 
the  Unionist  benches  there  sits  a 
Member  who  has  turned  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR OF  THE  EXCHEQUER'S  name 
upside  down — I  refer  to  Mr.  GEORGE 
LLOYD.  Unless  this  evil  precedent  is 
dealt  with  in  summary  fashion  we  may 
expect  such  further  enormities  as  the 
appropriation  of  the  names  Churchill 
Winston,  Harcourt  Lewis,  and  Buxton 
Sydney  by  the  rank  and  file  of  the 
Opposition." 

"  An  Indignant  Father  "  writes  from 
Hyde  Park  Gardens  :  "  When  I  was  a 
boy  I,  like  most  of  my  contemporaries, 
suffered  from  the  measles.  But  I  did 
so  on  the  strict  understanding  that 
there  should  be  no  recurrence  of  the 
complaint ;  and  this  agreement,  for 
which  our  family  doctor  went  bail,  has 
been  strictly  kept.  For  some  thirty- 
eight  years  I  have  enjoyed  a  perfect 
immunity  from  this  disorder.  But 
now7  mark  the  difference.  My  son, 
aged  fifteen,  has  had  measles  three 
times  running  in  three  successive 
years,  and  the  doctor  at  his  school 
— a  very  expensive  public  school — 
has  refused  to  guarantee  that  he  will 
not  have  it  again.  Apart  from  the 
serious  expense  in  which  I  have  been 
involved,  this  state  of  affairs  casts  a 
lurid  light  on  our  vaunted  progress 
in  bacteriological  research.  Whenwe 
knew  nothing  about  bacilli  they  were 


identified  and  named  them,  they  dis- 
play a  revolting  virulence." 

Professor  W.  A.  S.  HEWINS  writes: 
"  It  grieves  me  to  have  to  record  the 
painful  fact  that  at  all  the  instrumental, 
concerts  held  during  the  All-British 
shopping  week  no  effort  was  made  to 
dispense  with  the  French  horn  ;  worse 
still,  that  during  the  same  period  the 
native  worth  of  the  tenor  oboe  was 
still  disguised  under  the  gallicised  title 
of  the  cor  anglais." 


THE    POET'S    RESOLVE. 

Lo !  the  woods  to  life  awaken  ; 

Spears  of  green  commence  to  sprout ; 
Dormice,  from  their  trances  shaken, 
Simple  nourishment  have  taken 
Through  the  snout. 

Tis  the  Spring,  and  all  the  strikers 

Of  the  heaven-descended  lyre, 
Padders  of  the  hoof  and  bikers 
Chant  the  open  road  :  their  ichor  's 
Filled  with  fire. 

Only  I  have  sworn  by  Hades, 

By  Olympus'  snow-crowned  peak, 
By  Damascus,  and  by  Gades 
(Taking  care,  of  course,  no  ladies 
Heard  me  speak) ; — 

Sworn  that  though  the  flowers  invoke  us 

Flaming  from  the  bulbs  that  hiss 
(TENNYSON  contains  the  locus 
Classicus  about  the  crocus 
Doing  this) ; — 

Though  the  air  with  myriad  voices 

Cries  aloud,  "The  chains  are  gone!  " 
Though  in  dells,  where  Pan  rejoices, 
Youthful  herdsmen  with  their  choices 
Carry  on ; 

Though  the  forked  hoof  of  satyr 

Treads  the  turf  and  fauns  are  seen  ; 
Though  the  West  winds  rise  and  scatter 
Golf-balls  which  should  plump  like  batter 
On  the  green ; 

I  have  sworn,  I  say  (O  printer, 
Mark  it  as  the  type  you  fix), 
By  the  Queen  who  dies  in  winter, 
By  her  spouse,  and  by  the  inter- 
Circling  Styx, 

Though  ten  thousand  lyres  are  thrum- 
ming, 

Not  one  syllable  to  sing 
On  that  threadbare,  soul-benumbing, 
Played-out  topic  of  the  coming 

Of  the  Spring !  EVOE. 


"Fligh  Class    English    Gentlemans    butter 
with  London  e  St.-Petcrburg  experience  seeks 
position,  highest  references  (speaks  French)." 
Adi-t.  in  "A'oroc  Trcmyrt." 

Good.     Now  he  must  try  English. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CJI  \IM\  AIM 


REFLECTED   GLORY. 

Submerged  Spectator  (to  Player).  "'Ow  DO,  TOM  1"— (as  Player  looks  round)— "SKY.  THAT,  MATES?    '£  KKCKKRMSIIII  UK.''' 

[IXoTE.— Submerged  Spectator  indicated  with  a  eras*. 


HOLMES    TKUTH. 

IT  was  a  little  Circular 

(Marked  "Confidential"  too) 
Containing  information 

Painful,  perhaps,  but  true. 
But  someone  treacherously  let 

The  cat  out  of  the  bag, 
Which  caused  of  late  at  Question  time 

A  most  unholy  "  rag." 

It  was  a  little  Minister 

Whose  speech  was  one  long  cry : 
"  Please,  Sir,  I  never  did  it ; 

Please,  Sir,  it  wasn't  I. 
Please,  Sir,  it  was  another  boy 

Who  ought  to  bear  the  blame, 
But  he 's  no  longer  with  us — 

Holmes,  please,  Sir,  is  his  name." 

It  was  the  democratic  press 

That,  in  the  following  days, 
Bedaubed  the  little  Minister 

With  its  most  fulsome  praise, 
For  nobly  disavowing 

The  obscurantist  creed 
Embodied  in  the  contents 

Of  this  pernicious  screed. 

It  was,  if  I  may  put  it 

In  language  bald  and  brief, 

The  story  of  an  honest  man 
Imperilled  by  a  thief, 


And  thrown  instanter  to  the  wolves 

By  a  disloyal  chief, 
In  whom  extremists  still  profess 

Their  unimpaired  belief. 


THE  TIME  AND  THE  PLACE. 
K  THE  CORONATION. — To  Let  in 
Westminster,  handsomely  furnished 
Flat,  from  which  the  sounds  of  the 
crowd,  cheering,  &c.,  can  distinctly  be 
heard,  provided  that  the  wind  is  in 
the  right  direction.  For  month,  80 
guineas.  For  Coronation  Day,  20 
guineas. 


"Clou  THE  CORONATION. — Seats  are  now 
-1-  being  fitted  up  on  the  top  of  the 
Nelson  and  Duke  of  York  columns. 
Unequalled  bird's-eye  view  of  the  pro- 
cession. Everything  visible  except  the 
interior  of  the  Abbey.  Prices  from 
5  to  50  guineas.  Book  early. — The 
Summit  Syndicate  Ltd. 


R  THE  CORONATION. — Magnificent 
stand  is  now  in  course  of  construc- 
tion opposite  the  City  Temple  in  case 
plans  should  be,  altered  and  the  Corona- 
tion be  held,  there.  One  never  knows. 
Seating  for  5,000  from  10  shillings. 
Excellent  view  guaranteed. 


THE  CORONATION. — To  Let,  for 
the  summer,  Old- World  Eesidence, 
near  Leeds.  Four  reception  rooms, 
fourteen  bedrooms,  garage,  billiard 
room,  offices,  &c.  Within  two  miles 
of  station,  which  is  within  4  hours' 
journey  of  Westminster  Abbey.  Per 
month,  100  guineas.  Bargain. 

"C^OR  THE  CORONATION. — For  Sale,  Job 
Lot,  American  Flags,  suitable  for 
decoration  of  private  houses.      What 
offers  ? 


TjloR  THE  CORONATION. — Stilts  of  all 
-*-  sizes  for  obtaining  good  view 
above  the  heads  of  the  crowd.  From  a 
guinea  a  pair.  As  used  in  the  Landes — 
very  practical. — Apply  Messrs.  Tich  & 
Shorter. 


"Clou  THE  CORONATION. — A  few  seats 
still  remaining  in  the  Fleet  of 
Tethered  Balloons  which  will  hover 
above  the  Abbey  during  the  day. 
Price,  including  binoculars,  champagne 
lunch  and  insurance  ticket,  30  guineas. 
Apply,  Enterprise  Unltd. 


"Hat,    large,    burnt  straw,    trimmed   broad 
satin  ribbon,  pink  roses,  5s.  6d.  ;  age  19." 

Advt.  in  "  The  Lady." 
We  prefer  them  newer. 


27-1 


PUNCH,   OR  THK   LONDON    rilAIMVAKI. 


[AruiL  12,  1011. 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(liij  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerics.) 
MK.  JOHN  TKBVKNA  can  see  no  good  in  a  Radical  and, 


politics  being  as  they  are,  is  without  hope. 

student's 

difficulty 

Socialism,    given 


:  is  sketched  lightly,  but  with  a  sure  baud.     One  or  two  of 
[her  people  make  palpable  pretence  of  being  drawn  from 

actual  models,  and  Mr.  SOMERSET  MAUGHAM  may  have  a 

word  to  say  about  that. 

By  her  title  she  means  the  point  beyond  which  the  strong 


Casting  his   silent  husband  will  not  go  in  his  tolerance  of  the  teriium 

infnd   a   generation   or   two   ahead,  lie   has   no  \quitl.    But  Mrs.  LEVKRSON  has  her  own  "  limit,"  and  if  she 
in   picturing   an   England   devoted   to   hedonist  had  followed  the  dictates  of  temperament  she  would  have 


over   to  blind   worship   of  its    players, 


drawn  the  line  on  this  side  of  serious  developments  instead 


practising  violence,  robbery  and  free  love,  slaughtering  the  of  boldly  grasping  the  fringe  of  tragedy,  as  she  does  towards 
remnants' of  its  old  aristocracy  (in  which  alone  the  author  j  the  end.     Here,  I  think,  in  her  right  effort  to  avoid  obvious 
any   confidence),   stage- 
by    an    alien    ad- 
and    eventually 


has 

managed 
venturer 

leased  to  Japan,  with 
condition  save  the  prompt 
payment  of  a  fat  premium 
on  the  lease.  There  is  un- 
doubtedly something  in  the 
author's  point,  but  his  ex- 
aggeration could  only  have 
been  excused  by  satire,  and 
Tha  Jiciyti  of  the  Saints 
(ALSTON  BIVEKS),  being 
unrelieved  by  the  grace  of 
humour  or  any  sense  of  the 
ridiculous,  is  not  that.  To 
show  the  climax  of  Female 
Suffrage  attained  in  the  ad- 
vancement of  a  low-class 
virago,  "  usually  chewing  a 
cigar  end,"  to  the  bishopric 
of  Exeter  is  mere  buffoonery. 
A  logical  exposition  of  the 
possible  end  of  modern  ten- 
dencies might  have  been  un- 
dertaken on  these  lines,  but 
this  book,  a  realistic  novel  of 
the  future,  cannot  seriously 
pretend  even  to  logic.  The 
narrative  is  graphic  and  the 
excitement  is  well  main- 
tained, but  the  moral  of  it 
all,  upon  which  the  Preface 
insists,  is  not  convincing.  I 
am  a  bit  of  a  Tory  myself, 
t»ut  I  am  left  comfortably 
sure  that  things  are  not  so 
sad  as  all  that. 


JL 


rr L 


TOWN  HALL 
SALE 


or 


WORK 


A»Vi 


courses,  she  becomes  improb- 
:  able.  Her  earlier  humour, 
with  its  appetising  savour  as 
of  orange  bitters,  did  not  quite 
carry  me  over  this  piece  of 
resistance. 


.| I 


Humour  comes  more 
easily  to  Mrs.  LBVERSON 
than  to  most  women-writers. 


If  you  anticipate  anon 
A  journey  in  a  train, 

Purchase  Eliza  Getting  On 
(CASSELL),  by  BARRY  PAIN. 

'Twill  smile  away  the  time, 
and  you, 

Grateful  for  that,  will  not 
Too  critically  probe  into 

The  characters  and  plot. 


TgK 
Spwjjii 


FANCY  BUYIM;  ir!!" 


There  is  something  wrong 
about  the  construction  of 
The  Lady  of  the  Bungalow 
(STANLEY  PAUL).  If  Miss 
EVELYN  EVEHETT-GREEN 
were  to  tell  her  story  'to  a 
jury  of  British  matrons,  they 
would,  I  am  inclined  to 
think,  smile  it  out  of  court. 
They  might  pass  the  sable- 
silver  with  which  Laly 
Veronica  Gknalva  disguised 
the  rich  corn  and  bron;:e 
colour  of  her  gold  locks  in 
order  to  carry  out  her  scheme 
of  revenge  on  the  famous 
traveller  who  had  prevented 
her  from  marrying  another 
explorer  who  happened  also 
to  be  a  scoundrel.  But  they 
would  surely  jib  at  the  net- 
work of  wrinkles  with  which 
she  covered  her  face,  and 
still  more  (I  speak  as  a  man) 


.»  ,  -        -  QUJ.11     LLl\JL\j     I  A     OLSGCUA     CbO     <U     IJlfliLl 

ubtle,   and  sometimes,   perhaps,   a   little   too  |  at  the  mysterious  removable  pads,  inflated  with  air,  whioh 
isy,  it  colours  her  work   with   a  very  natural    gaiety,  j  gave   her  the   bust  and  figure  of  a  buxom  Juno  of  sixty, 
she   cannot   always   keep   her  own    personality   out !  in  place  of  her  own  "admirable  slenderr-pss  "    And  «™n  i» 
of  the  dialogue ;  as  when  the  adoring  flapper  says  of  her  they  allowed  the  possibility  of  the  wig 
Oh !  the  jolly  way  he  has  of  saying  and    the   pneumatic   pads,   and   admittc 
'You  re  all  right.'"     I  am  confident  that  aid  a  slim  young  girl  might  day  by  da 


he  flapper  thought  it,  but  I  am  equally  confident  that 
she  would  never  have  said  it.  So  Mrs.  LEVERSON  says  it  for 
icr.  In  this  new  book,  The  Limit  (GRANT  RICHARDS),  one 


admirable  slenderness."  And  even  if 
and  the  wrinkles 
admitted  that  by  their 
day  by  day  for  weeks  make 
a  number  of  people,  some  of  whom  knew  her  quite  well, 
take  her  for  a  stout  old  woman,  an  imaginary  cousin  of 
the  noble  house  of  the  Glenalvas,  they  would  be  troubled 

t  ,  i  *  J  _  _ 


•  *l  1  1  -W.M.W      *i\j  ukiu     \yj,       ULI\J      \jt  i^jllc*!  V  CliOj     Ul  lt<  V       »*  VUJXL       M\J       \iL\J  1.1  i^»V« 

ths  pleasant  mot  about  the  golden-haired  lady  by    the   reflection    that    someone    would   inevitably   have 
who  darkened  her  locks  at  the  roots;  and  I  am  glad  that  looked   her  up  in  Debrctt.     And  then  her   whole   scheme 


he  author  has  at  last  embodied  in  print  a  repartee  of  her 
jwn  from  long  ago  that  deserved  to  be  enshrined.  She 
loes  not  attempt  to  analyse  her  characters  very  closely,  but 


would  have  fallen  to  the  ground.  The  next  time  that  Miss 
EVERETT-GREEN  wishes  one  of  her  heroines  to  bowl  out  the 
public,  I  should  recommend  her  to  set  the  Held  in  more 


i  .   _       .  .  J  J»   p         "  I   £*">     i»x^,      .•.      DIIWIAAU      lt^VlllllJClH.1     J1O1       ttj      OUU      II1U      UtUU    ill     111UIG 

he  can  seise  a  rapid  impression  of  a  type.    Her  American,  orthodox  fashion,  and,  above  all,  not  to  hamper  her  with 
or  instance,  who  isanxiousto  be  very  English  and  good  form,  (  "  pads  "  in  the  wrong  place. 


APRIL  19,  1911.] 


I'i  NCII,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


275 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  position  of  poor  MULAI  HAKID 
is  certainly  one  that  calls  for  our  sym- 
pathy. His  capital  is  invested,  but 
brings  him  in  no  income. 

Lord  HALDANE'S  statement,  in  the 
debate  on  Lord  KOBERTS'S  motion, 
that  he  believed  in  standing  up  for 
our  rights,  has,  we  hear,  given  grave 
offence  to  many  members  of  his  party. 
The  evil  influence  of  the 
House  of  Lords  is  no  doulit 
responsible  for  such  a  Jingo 
sentiment. 

*  * 

Now  that  the  Executive 
Committee  of  the  KINO 
EDWARD  Memorial  have 
decided  not  to  destroy  the 
bridge  in  St.  James's  Park, 
might  we  point  out  the  in- 
disputable claims  of  Charing 
Cross  Bridge  to  their  atten- 
tion? 

* .  ••.' 

A  "  Messing  Adviser,"  it 
is  announced,  is  to  be  ap- 
pointed at  the  War  Office. 
We  suppose  this  is  neces- 
sary. But  surely  they  have 
had  this  kind  of  thing 

before. 

*  * 

The  War  Office  has  now 
ordered  that  in  future  all 
horses  purchased  for  the 
Army  shall  have  their  Army 
numbers  tattooed  on  their 
gums  instead  of  being 
branded  on  their  hocrfs. 
This  won't  be  much  of  an 
ordeal  for  the  horse  which 
is  merely  No.  1,  but  what 
of  the  poor  brute  which  is, 
say,  No.  10001  ? 

*  * 
• 

We  are  not  surprised  to 
hear  that  ex-soldiers  are 
growing  in  favour  as  chauff- 
eurs. Experience  shows 
that  they  are  less  likely  than  others 
to  lose  their  heads  on  killing  their  man. 

*  * 

Hamlet  without  the  Ghost  again. 
Messrs.  CONSTABLE  have  just  published 
a  book  entitled  "Shepherds  of  Britain,'1 
but  it  does  not  contain  a  word  about 
Mr.  CHURCHILL'S. 

*  * 

The  Express  draws  attention  to  a 
remarkable  case  of  suspended  anima- 
tion. "In  1661,"  our  contemporary 
tells  us,  "  the  remains  [of  OLIVER  CROM- 
WELL] were  disinterred  by  order  of 
Parliament,  the  body  being  hung  on 
the  gallows  at  Tyburn,  and  the  head 
set  on  a  pole  on  the  top  of  Westmin- 


VOL.    CXL. 


ster  Hall.     A  great  deal  of   mystery 
attaches  to  the  subsequent  movements 

of  the  head." 

:•    •• 

A  strange  phenomenon  is  reported 
from  the  Criterion  Theatre.  Baby  Mine 
is  developing  into  a  Gold  Mine. 

: 

Our  prisoners  would  appear  to  be 
strangely  lacking  in  the  valuable  quality 
of  tact.  An  official  report  has  been 
issued,  giving  a  list  of  their  favourite 


THE  SMART  SET. 
How  ANIMALS  MAY  GET  INTO  IT. 

["IIorsES. — A  Pair  of  remarkably  ImmUome 
Brown  Uddings  with  ({iialitv,  last",  uiih  high 
action;  perfect  manners. " — Ailrt.  \ 

IF  domestic  animals  do  not  increase 
the  attractions  of  their  manners  and 
appearance,  it  is  now  their  own  fault. 

How    TO    NEIGH    CORRECTLY.      IN 
TWELVE    EASY    LESSONS.— We    teach 
you  so  that  you  may  converse  on  an 
— I  equality  with  the  thorough- 
.    s          bred.  Address.Training Col- 
lege for  Animals,  Holloway 
(Horse  Voice  Department). 

BUTCHERS  AND  BAKERS' 
NAGS,  CARTHORSES,  ETC. — 
Would  you  like  to  improve 
your  position,  to  rise  to 
higher  levels  ?  Then  learn 
Deportment  as  we  teach  it. 
Your  manners  may  be  im- 
possible; but  do  not  des- 
pair, we  can  cure  you.  A 
bus  horse  writes  to  us : 
"Three  years  ago  I  con- 
sidered myself  fortunate  to 
be  drawing  the  Liverpool 
Street— Putney  bus.  1  am 
now  ridden  in  the  Row  and 
know  some  of  the  smartest 
hacks  in  town." 

Will  you  give  us  a  trial  ? 
Trot  round  at  once  to  the 
Training  College  for  Ani- 
mals. 


Customer  (after  a  morning's  $hopping'j.  "  HAVE  YOU  AN?  EELS  1 " 
FMmtmger.    "Yes,  MADAM.     WHAT  QUANTITY  WOULD  YOU  UEQUIBE?" 
Customer.  "  WELL,  THERE  'LL  BE  six  OF  us  .  .  .  D'vou  THINK  A  YARD 

AND  A   HALF  WOULD   BE  SUFFICIENT?" 


WHOLE  MEAL  FODDER. — 
Neigh  for  it,  and  see  that 
you  got  it!  It  was  this 
fodder  which  made  your 
grandsires,  the  old  Mail 
horses,  able  to  do  their 
work.  List  of  Mews  where 
the  Standard  Fodder  may 
be  obtained  sent  on  appli- 
cation. Endorsed  by  the 
Mare  of  Hackney. 


SHOES.— The  Smith  Sho3 
is  unequalled  for  style  and 

books.     Not  a  single  volume  by  the  fit.    Are  you  among  the  smart  gees 
HOME  SECRETARY  figures  in  this  list. 


*  * 
r 


Meanwhile,  in  view  of  the  fact  that 
each  year  the  Government  issues  a 
large  number  of  Blue  Books  which 
have  scarcely  any  circulation,  an  at- 
tempt, we  hear,  is  to  be  made  to  get 
the  convicts  to  read  these. 


V 


We  like  a  man  who  knows  how  to 
seize  an  opportunity,  and  have  nothing 
but  admiration  for  the  Dentist  who  is 
advertising : — 

'•CORONATION  YEAH. 
Why  not    have  your  teeth   crowned 
with  gold  ?  " 


who  wear  it  ? 


WANTED  A  THOUSAND 
MANX   CATS 

TO  TRY 
THATCHO  FOR  THE  TAIL. 


PIG-SKIN  SOAP. — All  stylish  porkers 
who  want  a  delightful  rose-leaf  com  plex- 
ion  use  it.  Do  you  ?  Send  for  sample. 


"CAPT. 


having  been  bitten  1> 


Fox 
on 


•  UAPT.  Having  been  bitten  by  a 

terrier  chained  up  at  the  Lawrence  Hall, 
Saturday,  at   about  8.15  p.m.,  will   be  orach 
obliged  if  the  owner  will  kindly  inform  him  as 
to  the  health  of  the  Dog." 

Adtct.  in  "  Civil  and  Military  Gazdlt." 

This  is  true  courtesy. 


270 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  19,  1911. 


"LIFE'S   LITTLE   IRONIES." 

[Studies  in  the  poignant  manner  of  Mr.  THOMAS  HARDY'S  "Satires 
f  Circumstance  "  in  the  April  number  of  The  fortnightly  RttitW.] 


of  Circumstance  "  in  the  April  i 

IN  SIX  MISFYTTES. 
(Concluded.) 

IV. 

IN  A  PUBLIC  PLACK. 

THEY  sit  on  a  seat  of  the  esplanade, 
The  buxom  cook  and  the  housemaid  trim. 
Spring-fashions,  to  left  and  right  displayed, 
Escape  their  eyes,  which  are  all  for  him, 
As  he  swaggers  by  in  his  martial  gear, 
A  perfect  dream  of  a  bombardier. 

"  He  gave  me  this  bangle  of  gold  to  wear," 
Says  the  housemaid ;  "  must  have  cost  him  a  pound." 
The  cook  says  nothing,  but  sits  in  a  stare, 
Thinking,  "  I  guess  where  the  money  was  found  ; 
It  came  from  my  hard-earned  wage,  no  doubt — 
Two  shillings  an  hour  to  walk  me  out !" 

v. 

ON  THE  EIVEB. 

The  barge  swings  slow  on  the  slow  stream's  breast, 
And  the  bargee  leans  to  his  oar,  dull  brute. 
A  curious  apathy  fills  his  chest, 
Though  his  wife  is  trailing  her  off-side  boot 
In  the  ochreous  ooze,  and  he  hears  her  purr 
As  his  mate  at  the  tiller  makes  eyes  at  her. 

A  lurch  and  a  slip — she  is  overboard, 

And  her  lover  dives  in  at  the  nearest  place. 

No  sign  on  the  part  of  her  legal  lord 

As  the  waters  close  on  their  last  embrace, 

Except  that  he  smiles,  "  I  shall  miss  them  both," 

And  leans  to  his  oar  with  a  grateful  oath. 

VI. 
AT    THE    WINNING-POST. 

She  waits  in  the  grand-stand's  grassy  patch, 
Externally  cool,  but  her  manner  clothes 
A  throbbing  heart,  for  they  ride  a  match, 
The  man  she  loves  and  the  man  she  loathes  ; 
A  hundred  sovereigns  they  ride  to  win, 
With  a  purse,  her  sewing,  to  put  them  in. 

Neck  and  neck,  at  identical  rates, 

They  ride  to  the  finish,  a  clear  dead-heat. 

"Shall  we  run  it  off?"  says  the  man  she  hates; 

And  the  other,  "  Not  me  ;  I'm  much  too  beat !  " 

Then  the  first :  "  There  are  prizes  enough  for  two, 

And  the  declaration  I'll  leave  to  you." 

"Very  well,"  says  the  man  she  loves,  "  you're  free 

To  pocket  the  purse — the  cash  for  me !  " 

0.  S. 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 

No.  VII. — THE  Two  DRAGONS. 

The  emprer  of  Persha  is  a  splendid  emprer  and  very 
hansim  his  empriss  is  as  butifle  as  a  goldfish  she  has  a 
luvly  nose  and  blu  eyes  and  wen  she  luks  at  you  you  fal 
down  and  begin  to  cri  they  hav  foretin  grone  up  childern 
and  lots  of  servints  butlers  and  futmen  and  cuks  anc 
housmads  and  a  boy  in  butns  to  kleen  the  nives  and  butes 
the  emprer  livs  in  a  palis  on  the  top  of  a  hill  buy  a  river 


lie  palis  is  maid  of  marbl  and  gold  with  plenty  of  jools  all  j 
over  it  and  the  rooms  are  of  a  mense  size. 

Ther  are  2  dragins  at  the  botm  of  the  garden  wun  is  a 
ilu  dragin  his  name  is  Bill  and  the  uther  is  a  grin  lady 
ih-agin  her  name  is  Sara  thire  very  firse  dragins  with  skails 
and  wen  they  breeth  flames  cum  out  of  ther  mouths  and 
,her  teeth  are  orfle  to  luk  at  they  luv  the  emprer  and  follor 
lira  bout  like  a  dog  but  they  cant  wark  mutsh  they  can 
only  woddel  like  swons  or  duks  but  they  can  fli  like  eegils. 

Wun  morning  the  emprer  wos  warkin  in  the  garden  wen 
he  sor  the  dragins  lieing  in  the  sun  but  they  got  up  dreckly 
and  sluted  him  with  ther  frunt  pors. 

Good  morning  Bill  sed  the  emprer  good  morning  Sara. 

Good  morning  your  magety  sed  the  dragins. 

Hav  you  herd  the  nus  sed  the  emprer. 

No  sed  Bill  we  havnt  wot  is  it. 

Thers  a  lion  bout  the  plase  sumwere  sed  the  emprer 
lavent  you  seen  him. 

No  sed  Sara  we  havent  wots  he  like. 

Wei  sed  the  emprer  hes  like  wot  lions  are  like  yeller 
with  a  big  main  and  long  teeth. 

Wots  he  come  bothring  here  for  sed  Bill. 

Hes  my  wiked  uncle  sed  the  emprer  he  wonts  to  turn 
ne  outof  been  emprer  and  I  wont  him  kild. 

0  weel  sune  do  that  sed  Bill  and  Sara  tugether  breething 
ire  at  the  same  time  goodby  your  magety. 

Goodby  sed  the  emprer  warking  away  you  shal  hav 
enthing  you  like  for  dinner  wen  youve  kild  him. 

Wen  the  emprer  wos  gorn  the  dragins  flu  up  in  a  big 
;ree  and  luked  all  over  the  plase. 

Can  you  see  him  Sara  sed  Bill  no  sed  Sara  can  you. 

1  think  I  can  sed  Bill  hes  cumin  g  along  by  the  cabbidges 
wistling. 

Lions  cant  wistle  sed  Sara. 

Wei  this  wuns  wistling  sed  Bill  III  get  doun  quick  and 
portend  to  be  a  rabit. 

Wots  the  ^oos  of  that  sed  Sara. 

Wei  heel  run  arf  ter  me  and  then  you  can  drop  on  him  and 
ketch  him  and  111  help  you. 

No  sed  Sara  weel  both  be  dragins. 

So  they  got  doun  and  wen  the  lion  kame  up  he  nocked 
agenst  Sara  youve  trod  on  my  por  sed  Sara. 

Pardon  sed  the  lion  I  dident  meen  it. 

I  dont  kno  bout  that  sed  Bill  woter  you  doing  here. 

Im  jest  warking  sed  the  lion  is  that  the  palis. 

Yes  it  is  sed  Sara  but  weer  going  to  kil  you  arnt  we  Bill. 

Yes  sed  Bill  weer  going  to  kil  you  your  the  emprers 
wiked  uncle. 

Wen  the  lion  herd  this  he  gav  a  terble  rore  and  jumpd 
into  the  air  to  friten  the  dragins  but  they  larfed  at  him 
they  new  he  coudent  bite  thru  ther  skails  and  so  they  wer 
very  brave  but  the  lion  was  very  brave  tu  then  they  had  a 
dredfle  fite  ferst  the  lion  tride  to  bite  orf  Bills  tale  but 
Sara  bit  him  on  the  nose  and  he  had  to  leev  go  and  then 
they  rold  all  over  the  cabbidges  and  got  cuvd  with  mud 
at  last  the  lion  sed  Ive  had  nuff  111  giv  in  and  the 
dragins  bit  his  hed  orf  thats  finshd  him  sed  Bill  lets  take 
his  hed  to  the  palis  and  sho  it  to  the  emprer  yes  said  Sara 
you  take  his  hed  and  111  take  his  body  so  they  tuk  the  lion 
in  ther  mouths  and  woddeld  to  the  palis. 

Take  orf  his  skin  sed  the  emprer  we  cant  sed  the  dragins 
its  tu  tite  its  only  butnd  on  sed  the  emprer. 

And  when  they  unbutnd  his  skin  and  tuk  it  orf  loan  bold 
it  wosent  the  wiked  uncle  it  wos  the  emprer  of  Afrika. 

Its  the  rong  man  sed  the  emprer  but  he  gav  the  dragins 
a  good  dinner  jest  the  same  and  the  empriss  wos  ther  tu 
and  all  the  emprers  slavs  and  genrals  and  nex  week  the 
dragins  found  the  wiked  uncle  and  kild  him  tu  and  then 
they  livd  in  pieco  ever  arfter. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AI-RIL   19,  1911. 


SENSE   AND   SENTIMENT. 


JOHN  BULL.  "I  TEUST  IT  WAS  NOT  SIMPLY  MY  FREE  TRADE  PRINCIPLES  THAT  MADE 
YOU   LOVE  ME?" 

JAPAN.   "DEAREST,  LET  US    NOT   PRY    TOO    CURIOUSLY    INTO    THE    SOURCES   OF   OUR 
SACRED    AFFECTION." 


19,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


279 


Brother.  "BETTY,  I  WANT  TO  INTRODUCE  MB.  MUCKEUOEB  TO  YOU." 
Setty  (shocked).  "Ssn!  ALGIE,  HE'LL  HEAR  YOU!" 


THE  GOLFER'S  EXCUSE. 

JAMES  is  one  of  those  players  who 
nearly  always  hit  a  tremendously  long 
ball  off  the  first  tee  just  to  dishearten 
their  adversaries.  But  this  time  his 
"Albatross"  flapped  heavily  over  the 
undulating  turf  and  beached  itself 
securely  in  the  shelving  sand  of  the 
bunker,  while  my  "  Cormorant " 
bounced  on  the  top,  struggled  gamely 
and  went  over  into  the  Klysiau  fields. 
My  heart  swelled  with  joy  and  I 
talked  gaily  to  James  as  we  went 
forward  to  examine  the  site  of  his 
proposed  excavations.  His  first  error 
was  the  prelude  (as  they  say  in  the 
Sporting  Press)  to  a  series  of  similar 
misfortunes,  and  at  the  fifth  hole  I  was 
four  up.  As  wo  walked  to  the  next 
tee  he  was  still  rubbing  sand  out  of  his 
eyes,  and  after  we  had  both  driven  off 
he  said  to  mo  solemnly,  "  It 's  no  use 
concealing  it  any  longer,  old  man; 
I  am  in  love." 

Dissembling  my  inward  jubilation  so 
\vcll  that  I  actually  assumed  a  mask 
of  sorrow,  I  condoled  with  him.  "  So 
bad  as  that,"  I  said;  "have  you  tried 
Tlmnutogon?  They  say  it's  a  wonderful 
tiling  for  these  internal  complaints,  J 
and  what's  moro  puts  beef  into  the  I 


drive.     I   onca   wrote   a   little  poem 
beginning: — 

'There's  nothing  to  beat  Thanatogen  ; 

It's  tetter  fur  golfers  than  Sloe  Gin  ; 

It 'a '" 

"  Thank  you,"  said  James,  "I  will  take 
it  on  trust." 

Bight  up  to  the  turn  he  continued  to 
foozle  deplorably,  and  seemed  incapable 
of  keeping  his  eye  on  the  ball  ("  Very 
possibly,"!  said  to  myself,  "  her  name 
is  Daisy  or  Celandine  or  something  of 
that  sort ") ;  but  at  the  tenth  hole, 
when  I  was  already  lured  into  a 
sense  of  serene  confidence  and  had 
even  tried  one  or  two  chip-shots, 
he  suddenly  began  to  find  his  game. 
Somehow  I  mislaid  mine  at  the 
same  moment,  and  by  the  time  we 
reached  the  fourteenth  green  I  was 
only  two  up,  and  filled  with  bitter  and 
cynical  reflections.  "  Love,"  I  mut- 
tered to  my  caddie,  "love,  indeed! 
He  is  probably  out  after  her  money, 
poor  girl ;  or  else  she  has  a  title.  Ah  ! 
the  hollowness  of  these  so-called 
romances."  It  was  just  after  this  that 
I  played  an  approach-shot  into  the 
female  sand-box  belonging  to  the  next 
tee,  and  at  the  end  of  the  round  James 
was  one  up.  He  purred  with  satisfac- 
tion as  we  walked  into  the  club-house, 


and  it  was  not  until  I  had  drunk  four 
cups  of  tea  that  I  felt  better,  and 
asked  him  gently,  but  reproachfully, 
"  Who  is  she  ?  You  haven't  told  me 
anything  about  her  yet." 

"  Who's  who  ?  "  said  James. 

I  reminded  him  sternly  of  his  acci- 
dent, but  he  only  laughed.  "  Oh, 
that !  "  he  said.  "  Well,  I  had  to  make 
some  excuse  for  playing  so  atrociously 
at  the  start,  and  people  never  scorn  to 
believe  you  if  you  say  you  have  a  touch 
of  liver  or  sat  up  late  working  the 
night  before.  It  wasn't  true.  1  say, 
you  remember  my  last  baffy  shot  but 
one  ?  " 

"No,"  I  said,  "I  don't,  and  I  don't 
want  to." 

Next  time  I  play  with  James  I  shall 
tell  him  that  I  have  just  been  medically 
examined  and  found  to  be  in  a  gallop- 
ing consumption,  with  only  two  more 
months  to  live.  That  will  probably 
trick  him  into  using  his  brassy  out  of 
rough  lies,  and  with  any  luck  I  ought 
to  clown  him. 

Bodily  and  Spiritual  Needs. 
l;  Happy  homo  at  Dulwich  to  Paying  Guest ; 
lady,  gentleman  or  student ;  best  English  meat ; 
good  evangelical  ministry." 

Advt.  in  "  The  Christian." 


280 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


19,  1911. 


POSTO. 

LIKE  all  great  discoveries,  the  idea 

is   in   itself  extremely  simple.     It  is 

,  this  beautiful  simplicity,  probably,  that 

gains  on  the  mind  and  eventually  holds 

it  in  thraldom. 

But  before  I  offer  you  generalisations 


you  will  like  to  know  what  it  is  I  am  heirloom," 
talking  about.  It  is  Posto  I  speak  of —  |  or  if 
Posto,  the  new  game.  I  say 
"  game."  Well,  it  is  a  game. 
But  please  understand  that 
it  is  one  of  those  games 
that  dignify  the  word.  Chess, 
Bridge,  Golf,  Billiards,  Cric- 
ket— it  will  fall  naturally  into 
rank  with  games  like  these — - 
games  that  satisfy  something 
fundamental  in  the  human 
mind,  and  in  consequence 
live  on  indefinitely.  True, 
the  origin  of  Posto  is  not 
shrouded  in  antiquity.  But 
even  on  this  point  our  pos- 
terity's posterity  may  think 
otherwise. 

Posto  is  a  game  that  only 
admits  of  one  player.  The 
first  thing  he  has  to  do  is  to 
learn  the  road  to  the  dust- 
bin. This  done  he  is  ready 
for  the  Posto  Spot.  The 
Posto  Spot  is  simply  a  mo- 
ment of  time.  At  this  period 
of  the  game  it  has  one  dom- 
inant feature  for  the  player. 
It  is  a  moment  that  may  on 
no  account  be  actively  ap- 
proached, beckoned,  or  en- 
couraged in  any  way.  The 
player  is  therefore  advised 
to  return  to  the  ordinary 
occupations  of  his  life,  and, 
as  far  as  possible,  to  forget 
Posto. 

Possibly  on  a  Sunday  after- 
noon— possibly  on  a  muggy 
day  during,  say,  influenza 


that  have  always  been  frustrated  by 
some  of  the  beastly  thing's  partisans. 
For  it  is  peculiar  to  the  objects  we  are 
speaking  of  that  they  always  have 
somebody  ready  to  furnish  a  reason 
for  keeping  them,  somebody  to  say 
fatuously,  "  It  cost  so-much,"  "  It  was 
given  to  us  by  So-and-So,"  "  It  is  an 


]t  might  be  useful  if 


convalescence,  when  ordinary 
time  seems  a  tinge  more  or- 
dinary than  usual,  our  player 
will  realise  abruptly  that  he 
is  on  the  Posto  Spot.  No  one 
can  tell  him  when  he  is  there. 
But  there  is  no  need  for  that. 
A  man  that  has  once  heard  of  the  Posto 
Spot  knows  it  instinctively.  A  feeling  of 
jontuniely  assails  him  ;  it  passes  over 
dim  in  great  waves  that  culminate  in 
the  gorge.  The  exciting  cause  is  some 
inanimate  object  in  the  home — in  simple 
language,  some  beastly  thing  (a  vase, 


Donald  (who  is  seeing  his  more  prosperous  cousin  off  by  Oit  train). 

YE  MIGHT   LIKE  TAB   LEAVE    ME   A    BOB    OR  TWA   TAB    BRINK  YE  A 


SAFE  JOURNEY,    WULLIE.' 


Wullie  (feigning  regret).  "MAN,  I  CAN N A.    A' MY  SPARE  SHULLIN'S 

I   GIE  TAB  MY  ACLD  WITHER.  ' 

Donald.    "THAT'S  STRANGE.     BECAUSE  YER  MITHEH  TOLD  ME  YE 

NEVER   OLE  HER  ONYTH1NG." 


deliberation.  To  the  casual  observer 
lie  would  seem  quite  unmoved.  Now 
he  takes  the  article,  which  is  called 
technically  "  the  stiller,"  in  both  hands ; 
without  any  sign  of  hesitation  ho  bears 
it  forth  along  the  familiar  road  to  the 
dust-bin.  He  raises  the  lid.  "  Go," 
he  whispers.  "  Be  no  more.  Die."  He 
then  deposits  "  the  stifler  "  in  the  dust- 
bin, closes  the  lid,  and  retraces  his  steps. 
As  he  re-enters  the  room 
there  is  the  light  of  victory 
in  his  eyes ;  his  step,  too,  is 
crisp  and  confident;  he  is 
looking  about  him  for  a  com- 
fortable chair.  Sinking  into 
it  he  gives  himself  up  to  "the 
glow,"  which  is  the  Posto 
player's  reward.  All  I  can 
say  is,  May  everyone  feel  it 
for  himself,  for  herself!  It 
defies  description.  Eelief, 
power,  vengeance  satisfied, 
space  acquired  —  numerous 
sensations  seem  to  join  them- 
selves happily  to  produce  an 
entirely  new  feeling.  This  is 
"the  glow."  Try  it  for 
yourself  and  you  will  under- 
stand me. 

Before  I  end,  a  word  to  the 
timid.  The  player  does  not 
meet  anybody  on  the  road  to 
the  dust-bin.  No.  It  is  quite 
a  mistake  to  be  afraid  of  this. 
The  reason  is  that  he  acts  at 
once.  If  he  were  to  wait  to 
think  the  matter  over  and  act 
later,  it  is  a  1000  to  1  that  he 
would  meet  somebody,  and 
100  to  1  that  it  would  be  the 
somebody  that  he  would  most 
wish  to  avoid.  Acting  at 
once,  however,  he  just  catches 
the  road  clear.  It  is  a  pe- 
culiar thing.  I  can  offer  no 
theory  to  explain  it.  But 
to  the  practical  Posto  player 
it  will  suffice  to  know  that 
this  is  one  of  the  laws  of 
Nature. 


WHAT  SORT  O'  CHANCE  DAE  YE  THINK  YOU  'VE  GOT  \ ' 


ONYTHIXG, 


a    picture,    a 
macassar — it 


photograph, 
may,   indeed, 


an 
be 


anti- 
abso- 


lutely  anything)  that  the  player  has 
mown  and  hated  for  years,  that  he 
las  periodically  made  vain  efforts  to 
'ree  himself  from,  efforts,  by  the  way, 


Now   that 
however,  all 


our  friend  plays  Posto, 
this  is   changed.      The 


feeling  of  contumely  that  would  have 
given  place  in  the  old  days  to  an  aching 
lowness  of  spirits,  now  makes  way  for 
a  fine  frenzy  such  as  poets  are  accus- 
tomed to — in  itself  not  at  all  an  un- 
pleasant experience,  by  the  way,  though 
it  is  a  mood  that  requires  some  hand- 
ling (the  tyro  should  take  note  of  this). 
The  Posto  player,  however,  is  a  sports- 
man, and  he  keeps  steady  under  the  |  go.  Well,  well,  we  shall  never  believe 
sensation.  See  him  leave  his  seat  with  '  a  mornty  sailor  again. 


"The  early  work  of  Froude  iu 
applying  athwartships  tanks  for 
the  prevention  of  rolling  is  well- 
known.  These,  together  with. roll- 
ing ballast  and  the  great  moving 
weight  of  Thornycroft  himself,  all  fall  under 
the  head  of  moving  the  centre  of  gravity  of  the 
ship  in  attempting  to  balance  the  wave  effect." 
— Engineering. 

We  should  have  thought  the  great 
moving  weight  of  Mr.  CHESTERTON 
would  have  been  better  for  the  job. 

"Though    most     people,    including    many 
mornty  sailors,  do  not  know  it,  a  sea  song  and 
a  shdeas  are  by  no  means  the  same  thing. 
"  Morning  Post "  on  Sea-songs  and  Shanties. 

Thus   all   one's  oldest  beliefs  have  to 


Apnic,  19.  1011.] 


PUNCH,   OR-  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


2  1 


AN   EYE  TO   THE    FUTURE. 

DEAB  Mn.  PUNCH, — I  write  less  for 

my  amusement  or  yours  than  for  the 

33rious  benefit  of  a  generation  to  come. 
Tlia   first    point    is    this — One    by 

one  our  large  railway  companies   are 

abandoning  the  second-class  compart- 
ment.    Soon  the  second-class  carriage 

will  no  more  exist.     Shed  a  tear  for  the 

decease  of  your  respactable  mediocrity 

and  come  along  to  point  number  two. 

The  classes  of  compartment  left  will  lw 

first  and  third.      Congratulate  yourself 

on  your  mathematical  ability  in  having 

anticipated   that  point,   and    consider 

number  three.    It  is  that  infants  always 

will  be  infants,  and  darned  inquisitive 

'infants  at  that. 

In   the   blighted   future   I    can    see 

scores    of    harassed    and    overworked 

parents  being  cross-examined,  on  Hi:  ir 

journey  to   the  seaside,   by  relentless 

children  upon  the    seeming    paradox. 

"  Why  first  and  third  ?     Account,  and 

.account    instantly    for    the    apparent 

lacuna."    Those  -who  have  lived  to  see 

the  actual  development  for  themselves 

will  thereupon    enter   into    the    true 

and  lengthy   explanation,    which    the 

ichildren   will   either  not  entertain  or 

unhappily  forget.     But  those  children, 

in   their   turn   becoming   parents   and 

'going  into  the  witness-box,  will  be  put 

.upon  their  powers  of  invention.     I  con- 

.ceiv.e-the  worst  of  them  hazarding  that 

itue  higher-class  fare  is  three  times  the 

lower-class  fare,  and  that  the  peculiar 

'nomenclature  is  adopted  to  make  that 

'clear  to  intending  speculators.    This  is 

fa  lie  which  will  be  easily  discovered. 

•I    conceive    others    suggesting    that 

."third.'.'  is  an  old  Anglo-Saxon  word 

meaning  "sacond,"  and  being  dismissed 

<im:iifidiately  as  deceptive  and  foolishly 

deceptive  .parents.       I    conceive    yet 

'others  abandoning  their  annual  sea- 
side expedition  so  as  to  avoid  impossible 

explanations  and  to  maintain  a  false 

prestige.     In  the  alternative  I  foresee 

infants  being  packed  in  portmanteaux 

and  deposited  in  vans  or  forwarded  as 

advance  luggage.     At  the  worst  Eng- 
land must  be  prepared  for  a  decrease 

in   the    birth-rate    or    an   increase   of 

infanticide. 

You  and  I,  Mr.  Punch,  have  done  five  hundred  who  are  going   to  

our    best,    but    there    is    always   the  nobility  thrust   up»n   them,    into   the 

danger,  none   the   less   to    be    feared  \  despised  upper  classes  (or  one  of  them), 

because  improbable,  that  the  parent  of  and  he  would  show  his  resentment  by 
95')  to  2000  A.D.  will  not  have  upon '  ceasing  to  go  to  and  fro,  which  would 

1 1 is  person  at  the  critical  moment  this  be  bad  for  the  railway  companies,  and 

copy  of  your  valuable  paper  to  which   staying    in    his    native    town,    which 

to  refer.     We  must  therefore  call  upon  would  be  bad  for  his  native  town. 

The  second  method,  which  I  recom- 
mend, is  to  place  in  the  carriage, 
beneath  the  well-known  maxims  that 
bottles  should  not  ba  thrown  out  of 
the  window  and  the  communication 


SIHiOW    ft 
i,"  r;:  r  E; 


ZM/  Dealer  (describing  mcnigrel).  "Pun*  BDED 
EUROPE." 


UN, 


IS.     AlK'T    NO    BETTER    BLOOD    IN 


Lady.  " REALLY  !    WELL,  I  SUPPOSE  HE'S  TKAVELLINO  IKOOO.  I" 


classes,  that  would  involve  their  con- 
verting all  their  third-class   carriages 
into  second-class  carriages.     Your  true 
democrat    would    resent    that    as    an 
attempt  to  force  him,  like  the  miserable 

cord  should  not  bo  pulled  unless  there 
is  something  to  communicate,  a  further 
notice.      This    would    read:     "Little 
children  are  strictly  forbidden  to  ask 
questions,  and  are  to  take  it  that  there 

i-h<-  railway  companies  to  remedy  the- 
evil  they  are  bringing  about.  There 
0.10  two  ways  of  doing  that.  The  one 
is  not  to  bring  it  about ;  but,  as  they 
find  it  inevitable  to  have  only  two 


ttiey  cannot  understand."  Of  course 
every  infant,  on  being  informed  of  the 
contents  and  the  prohibition,  will  ask, 
"  Why?  "  But  that  is  a  question  even 
a  parent  may  ba  trusted  to  answer. 

Let  us  congratulate  oursslves,  Mr. 
Punch,  you  and  I,  and  hail  ourselves 
as  public  benefactors,  upon  having 
discovered  not  only  the  solution  of  a 
problem,  but  also  the  problem  itself. 
Yours,  as  always, 

AN  ACTIVE  MEMBER  OF  THE  B.P. 


282 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[Arrai,  19,  1911. 


THE  SEASON'S   PROSPECTS. 

THE  great  question  in  the  Mallory 
family  just  now  is  whether  Dick  will 

fet  into  the  eleven  this  year.  Con- 
dent  as  he  is  himself,  he  is  taking  no 
risks. 

"  We  're  going   to  put  the  net  up 

to-morrow,"  he  said  to  me  as  soon  as  I 

arrived,  "and  then  you'll  be  able  to 

I  bowl    to  me.     How    long    are    you 

staying  ?  " 

"  Till  to-night,"  I  said  quickly. 

"Rot!  You're  fixed  up  here  till 
Tuesday,  anyhow." 

"  My  dear  Dick,  I  've  come  clown  for 
a  few  days'  rest.  If  the  weather  per- 
mits, I  may  have  the  croquet  tilings 
out  one  afternoon  and  try  a  round,  or 
possibly — 

"  I  den 't  believe  you  caw  bowl,"  said 
Bobby  rudely.  Bobby  is  twelve — five 
years  younger  than  Dick.  It  is  not 
my  plaee  to  smack  Bobby's  head,  but 
somebody  might  do  it  for  him. 

"Then  that  just  shows  how  little 
you  know  about  it,"  I  retorted.  "  In 
a  match  last  September  I  went  on  to 
bowl " 

"Why?" 

"  I  knew  the  captain,"  I  explained. 
"  Well,  as  I  say,  he  asked  me  to  go  on 
to  bowl,  and  I  took  four  wickets  for 
thirteen  runs.  There!" 

!"  Good  man,"  said  Dick. 

"Was  it  against  a  girls'  school?" 
said  Bobby.  (You  know,  Bobby  is 
simply  asking  for  it.) 

"  It  was  not.  Nor  were  children  of 
twelve  allowed  in  without  their  peram- 
bulators." 

"  Well,  anyhow,"  said  Bobby,  "  I  bet 
Phyllis  can  bowl  better  than  you." 

"  Is  this  true  ?  "  I  said  to  Phyllis. 
I  asked  her  because  in  a  general  way 
my  bowling  is  held  to  be  superior  to 
that  of:  girls  of  fifteen.  Of  course, 
she  might  be  something  special. 

"  I  can  bowl  Bobby  out,"  she  said 
modestly. 

I  looked  at  Bobby  in  surprise  and 
then  shook  my  head  sadly. 

"  You  jolly  well  shut  up,"  he  said, 
turning  indignantly  to  his  sister. 
"Just  because  you  did  it  once  when 
the  sun  was  in  my  eyes — 

"Bobby,  Bobby,"  I  said,  "this  is 
painful  hearing.  Let  us  be  thankful 
that  we  don't  have  to  play  against 
girls'  schools.  Let  us — 

But  Bobby  was  gone.  Goaded  to 
anger,  he  had  put  his  hands  in  his 
pockets  and  made  the  general  observa- 
tion "  Eice-pudding  " —  an  observation 
inoffensive  enough  to  a  stranger,  but 
evidently  of  such  deep  private  signifi- 
cance to  Phyllis  that  it  was  necessary 
for  him  to  head  a  ptirsuit  into  the 
shrubbery  without  further  delay. 


"  The  children  are  gone,"  I  said  to 
Dick.  "  Now  we  can  discuss  the 
prospects  for  the  season  in  peace." 
I  took  up  The  Sportsman  again.  "  I 
see  that  Kent  is  going  to — 

"The  prospects  are  all  right,"  said 
Dick,  "if  only  I  can  get  into  form  soon 
enough.  Last  year  I  didn't  get  going 
till  the  end  of  June.  By  the  way, 
what  sort  of  stuff  do  you  bowl  ?  " 

"Ordinary  sort  of  stuff,"  I  said, 
"  with  one  or  two  bounces  in  it.  Do 
you  see  that  Surrey " 

"  Fast  or  slow  ?  " 

"  Slow — that  is,  you  know,  when  I 
do  bowl  at  all.  I  'm  not  quite  sure 
this  season  whether  I  hadn't  better  — 

"  Slow,"  said  Dick,  thoughtfully ; 
"  that 's  really  what  I  want.  I  want 
lots  of  that." 

"  You  must  get  Phyllis  to  bowl  to 
you,"  I  said  with  detachment.  "  You 
know,  I  shouldn't  be  surprised  if 
Lancashire — -' ' 

"  My  dear  man,  girls  can't  bowl. 
She  fields  jolly  well,  though." 

"  What  about  your  father?  " 

"  His  bowling  days  are  rather  over. 
He  was  in  the  eleven,  you  know,  thirty 
years  ago.  So  there  *s  really  nobody 
but—" 

"  One's  bowling  days  soon  get  over," 
I  hastened  to  agree. 

But  I  know  now  exactly  what  the 
prospects   of   the   season — or,  at   any 
rate,  of  the  first  week  of  it — are. 
MB.  MALLOEY. 

The  prospects  here  are  on  the  whole 
encouraging.  To  dwell  upon  the  bright 
side  first,  there  will  be  half-an-hour's 
casual  bowling,  and  an  hour  and  a 
half's  miscellaneous  coaching,  every 
day.  On  the  other  hand,  some  of  his 
best  plants  will  be  disturbed,  while 
there  is  more  than  a  chance  that  he 
may  lose  the  services  of  a  library 
window. 

MRS.  MALLOEY. 

The  prospects  here  are  much  as  last 
year,  except  that  her  youngest  born, 
Joan,  is  now  five,  and  consequently 
rather  more  likely  to  wander  in  the  way 
of  a  cricket  ball  or  fall  down  in  front 
of  the  roller  than  she  was  twelve 
months  ago.  Otherwise  Mrs.  Mallory 
faces  the  approaching  season  with  calm, 
if  not  with  complete  appreciation. 
DICK. 

Of  Dick's  prospects  there  is  no  need 
to  speak  at  length.  He  will  have  two 
hours'  batting  every  day  against,  from 
a  batsman's  point  of  view,  ideal  bowl- 
ing, and  in  addition  the  whole-hearted 
admiration  of  all  of  us.  In  short,  the 
outlook  here  is  distinctly  hopeful. 
PHYLLIS. 

The  prospects  of  this  player  are, 
from  her  own  point  of  view,  bright, 


as  she  will  be  allowed  to  field  for  two 
hours  a  day  to  the  beloved  Dick.  She 
is  also  fully  qualified  now  to  help  with 
the  heavy  roller.  A  new  experiment  is 
to  be  tried  this  season,  and  she  will  be 
allowed  to  bowl  for  an  odd  five-minutes 
at  the  end  of  Dick's  innings  to  me. 

BOBBY 

enters  upon  the  coming  season  with 
confidence  as  he  thinks  there  is  a 
chance  of  my  bowling  to  him  too;  but 
he  is  mistaken.  As  before,  he  will  be 
in  charge  of  the  heavy  roller,  and  he 
will  also  be  required  to  slacken  the 
ropes  of  the  net  at  the  end  of  the  day. 
His  prospects,  however,  are  certainly 
improved  this  season,  as  he  will  be 
qualified  to  bowl  for  the  whole  two 
hours,  but  only  on  the  distinct  under- 
standing (with  Phyllis)  that  he  does 
his  own  fielding  for  himself. 

Of  the  prospects  of 
JOAN 

I  have  already  spoken  above.  There 
remain  only  the  prospects  of 

MYSELF, 

which  are  frankly  rotten.  They  con- 
sist chiefly  of  two  hours'  bowling  to 
the  batting  of  Dick  (who  hits  them  back 
very  hard),  and  ten  minutes'  batting 
to  the  bowling  of  Phyllis  (slow,  mild) 
and  Bobby  (fast  wides) ;  for  Dick,  having 
been  ordered  by  the  captain  not  to 
strain  himself  by  trying  to  bowl,  is  not 
going  to  try.  It  is  extremely  doubtful 
whether  Bobby  will  approve  of  my 
action,  while  if  he  or  Phyllis  should, 
by  an  unlucky  accident,  get  me  out, 
I  should  never  hear  the  last  of  it.  In 
this  case,  however,  there  must  be  added 
to  Bobby's  prospects  the  possibility  of 
his  getting  his  head  definitely  smacked. 

Fortunately — it  is  my  only  consol- 
ation— the  season  will  be  a  short  one. 
It  ends  on  Tuesday.  A.  A.  M. 

A  Rip  among  the  Railways. 

The  rumour  that  that  quaint  old 
anachronism,  the  London  and  South- 
Western  Eailway,  has  waked  up  to  the 
necessity  of  allowing  through-tickets 
to  be  issued  between  the  Tubes  and 
stations  on  its  own  lines  over  which 
the  District  Eailway  has  running 
powers  is  lacking  in  confirmation.  It 
seems  improbable  that  a  Company 
which  took  years  and  years  and  years 
to  arrange  for  the  issue  of  through- 
tickets  between  these  same  lines  and 
the  Metropolitan  Eailway  should 
recognise  at  this  early  stage  the 
existence  of  the  Tubes.  After  all, 
they  are  only  a  few  years  old. 


"No  PARTY  IN  BKEAD." —  '-Daily  Mail" 
headline. 

Then  what  about  the  Free-Trade  Loaf? 


Ami,  19.  J911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


2H3 


_u npg mT n iTrnTr- 


-'.i^-^n  I  Ed.  6.  £.Y'\_  0_  ",-U-i 

U-]pQw.'  "i  I'M' n  M  i 


LIKE    TO    LIKE. 


GAEDEN  NOTES. 


OWING  to  the  enormous  premium 
on  the  cultivation  of  sweet  peas  for 
the  Coronation  there  will  probably 
be  very  little  garden  land  available 
for  other  purposes  this  year,  but  to 
those  who  have  a  few  square  inches 
left  the  following  hints  may  be 
useful. 

BULBS. — The  worn-out  ones  will 
require  weeding  out,  and  these  should 
be  replaced  by  the  newer  varieties, 
which  are  said  to  give  more  light  at 
less  cost  than  the  older  kinds.  Ordinary 
wiring  can  be  used. 

HAHDY  ANNUALS. — The  Christmas 
kind  already  demands  attention,  though 
they  will  not  be  really  out  till  the 
autumn,  when  good  Press  cuttings 
should  be  obtained. 

THE  VEGETABLE  GARDEN. — Plant 
plenty  of  cabbages ;  they  will  be  in 
great  demand  for  the  holiday  season. 
The  "Odoradora"  (see  Messrs.  Toofer's 


]  Catalogue)  is  a  variety  much  in  favour 
now  amongst  growers,  as  the  leaf  dries 
j  quickly,  rolls  well,  and  has  a  rich 
I  aromatic  flavour.  Sprinkle  with  salt- 
'  petre  in  the  spring. 

If  the  parsnips  are  getting  out  of 
:  hand,  they  should  be  carefully  pruned 
j  and  trained  to  sticks.  The  old  method 
of  growing  them  nailed  to  a  southerly 
!  wall  has  been  abandoned  by  the  most 
up-to-date  vegeculturists. 

Onions  seem  likely  to  show  consider- 
able strength  this  year.  Last  year's 
crop,  on  being  opened,  brought  tears 
to  many  eyes. 

Cauliflower  has  been  almost  entirely 
superseded  by  the  new  standard  flour. 
Note  that  the  old  theory  of  "the  white 
1  flour  of  a  blameless  loaf "  is  quite 
exploded. 

The  vegetable  garden  will  not  be 
complete  without  an  abundance  of 
green  stuff,  so  lay  down  several 
: yards  of  Brussels;  use  brass-headed 
nails. 


GOOSE  DERBIES. — The  gooseberry 
bushes  will  require  your  earnest  atten- 
tion. Those  intended  to  supply  fruit 
for  the  early  vintages  should  be  care- 
fully netted.  Full  many  a  magnum 
has  been  robbed  of  its  richest  qualities 
through  inattention  during  the  early 
stages. 

STRAWBERRIES. — There  should  be  a 
good  show  of  strawberry  leaves  about 
the  end  of  the  summer,  unless  any- 
thing untoward  happens  to  prevent 
the  creation  of  new  Dukes. 

PATHS. — These  should  be  thoroughly 
massaged  with  an  iron  roller,  and  all  the 
weeds  carefully  picked  out,  and  slowly 
burned.  Some  weeds  require  a  lot  of 
smoking.  Give  them  to  your  friends. 

LAWNS. — If 'you  want  these  for  wear, 
Peter  Jones  is  showing  a  good  selection 
at  twoandeleventhry. 

If  you  don't  want  them  to  wear, 
play  golf  on  them. 

When  you  have  finished  gardening, 
replace  all  turf  on  the  green. 


284 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  19,   1911. 


Grandmother.  "AND  NOW  WOULD  YOU  LIKE  ME  TO  IBLL  YOU  A  STORY,  DEARS!" 

.    Advanced  Child.   "Oir,  NO,  .GRA'NNT,  NOT  A  STORT,  PLEASE!    THEY'RE  so  STODGY  AND  UNCONVINCING  AND  AS  OUT-OF-DATE  AS 
ix  MCSIC.    WE  S'HOULD  MUCH  PREFER  AN  IMPRESSIONIST  WORD-PICTURE,  OR  A  SUBTLE  CHARACTER-SKETCH." 


THE  PERFECT  CONFIDANT. 

[An  application  of  one  of  the  triumphs  of 
modern  progress  to  the  needs  of  a  romantic 
temperament.] 

I  NEVER  use  the  little  hutches 

That  house  the  public'ielephone 
For  ringing  people  up,  though  such  is 

Their  estimable'aim,  I  own; 
For  when  I  did  I  used  to  blunder  ; 

My  heart  is  in  Pierian  springs  ; 
I  never  was  much  shakes  at  under- 
Standing  machinery  and  things. 
Too  often  in  a  state  of  fever 

(Induced  by  the  celestial  flame) 
I  clapped  my  ear  to  the  receiver, 

And  talked  into  the  what  's-its-name. 
It  took  me  hours  to  get  my  number; 

I  used  to  hear  strange  voices  round 
Breathing  the  lotus-chant  of  slumber, 

"  An  intermittent  buzzing  sound." 
And,  when  I  did  get  on  to  some  one 

After  eternities  of  doubt, 
A  far-off  voice,  a  faint  and  rum  one, 

Informed  me  that  the  boss  was  out. 
Also  I  did  not  like  the  crazes 

Of  those  who  worked  this  wondrous 
beast: 


They  used  the  most  astounding  phrases 
That  were  not  English  in  the  least. 

Deaf  to  the  language  that  was  JOHNSON'S 

They  made  me  say  "  One-double^O," 
Meaning  a  hundred  (which  was  non- 
sense), 

And  did  they  heed  my  censure?  No. 
I  had  no  time  to  stop  and  bicker, 

And  so  I  cried,  "  The  Muses  call. 
Farewell!  I  feel  the  heavenly  flicker; 

I  shall  not  use  your  wires  at  all." 

But  sometimes,  when  I  break  the  bubble 
Of  happiness,  and  life  is  drear, 

When  I  am  fain  to  pour  my  trouble 
Into  a  soft  and  shell-like  ear ; 

When  I  can  find  no  handier  harbours, 
I  foot  it  from  the  rough  world's  rage 

To  one  of  these  delightful  arbours 
And  make  therein  my  hermitage. 

Gently  removing  the  transmitter 
(But  placing  nothing  in  the  slot) 

I  tell  of  love's  sweet  fruit  grown  bitter, 
Of  faith  forlorn,  of  vows  forgot. 

I  tell  hew  sweet,  in  urban  clamour, 

It  is  to  find  this  fairy  dell ; 
I  take  great  pains  about  my  grammar 

I  say  I  like  their  little  bell. 


I  mourn  the  lapse  of  time  that  worsens 
An  intellect  unmatched  of  yore ; 

I  simply  disregard  the  persons 
Who  congregate  outside  the  door. 

I   say  that   snow-white  hairs   ara 

glistening 
Fast  on  these  (once  how  auburn!) 

locks. 

But  by  this  time  they  are  not  listening, 
And  so  I  leave  the  wooden  bos. 

EVOB. 

"The  current  year  marks  the  birth  of  the 
author  of  '  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin. '  " 

Westminster  Gazelle. 
And  yet  it  seems  ages  ago  that  we  first 
heard   of    the   book.       A    preliminary 
publisher's  puff,  no  doubt. 


Says  a  correspondent  in  the  course 
of  his  letters  to  The  Edinburgh  Evening 
Dispatch : 

"But  what  I  really  wanted  to  say— and  have 
taken  a  long  time  to  do— is  that  in  a  certain 
public  stair  within  a  biscuit  toss  of  Princes 
Street  no  census  within  biscuit  toss  of  Princes 
Street  no  census  uplifting  census  papers." 

Even  now  we  are  not  sure  that  he  has 
really  got  his  message  off  correctly. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— Armr,   19,   1911. 


PUTTING  A   GOOD   FACE   ON   IT. 

LORD  LANSDOWNE.  "  SAY  THIS  HOUSE  IS  BADLY  CONDUCTED,  DO  THEY  ?  AND  MEAN 
TO  STOP  THE  LICENCE?  AH,  BUT  THEY  HAVEN'T  SEEN  MY  COAT  OF  WHITEWASH 
YET.  THAT  OUGHT  TO  MAKE  'EM  THINK  TWICE." 


• 


APRIL  19,  1911.] 


1TXCII,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAKIVAKI. 


2-17 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


in  right  hand  what  looks  like  a  sprig   lunyo  interuallo.     The  greatest  of  tlieso 
of  shillelagh,  apparently  ready  to  bring  was    ABTHUB,    who   with    distinction 
(EXTRACTED  FROM  TUB  DIARY  OF  TOBY,  M.P.)  it  down  Qn  any  degerving  knuckle  or  filled  the  Chair  in  five  successive  Par- 
House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  April  II.  head.     Sort  of  accessory   that  would  liaments.       Of  Sir  EICHARD  ONSLOW, 


— Looking    across     at 

manly  form,  hearing  his  not  infrequent 

speeches  (sometimes  monosyllabic)  con- 


tributed to  debate,  recognising  his 
remarkable  parliamentary  instinct, 
have  sometimes  wondered  how  it  all 
camo  about.  And  he  still  so  young 
and  so  fair !  Secret  disclosed  in  portly 
volume  entitled  The  Speakers  of  the 
House  of  Commons,  written  by 
ARTHUR  IRWIN  DASENT  and 
published  by  JOHN  LANE. 

Amid  score  of  things  learned 
in  this  storehouse  of  parlia- 
mentary erudition  find  that  in 
the  MEMBER  FOR  HORSHAM 
House  has  been  entertaining 
unawares  a  descendant  of  a 
Speaker  who 'filled  the  Chair  in 
the  decadent  days  of  the  STUARTS. 
Sir  EDWARD  TURNOUR  presided 
over  debate  through  the  memor- 
able epoch  that  lay  between  1661 
and  1670.  This  exceeded  by  three 
years  LENTHALL'S  term  of  office, 
theretofore  the  longest  period. 

Seems  almost  a  pity  that  the 
laws  of  nature  did  not  permit 
concatenation  of  circumstance 
whereby  our  Lord  WINTERTON 
might  have  been  seated  in  Par- 
liament to  look  after  his  some- 
what rapacious  progenitor.  The 
Journals  of  House  contain  an 
order  passed  shortly  before  re- 
tirement of  Mr.  SPEAKER  TURN- 
OUH,  possibly  hastening  the 
event,  directing  "That  the  Back 
Door  of  the  Speaker's  Chambers 
be  nailed  up  and  not  opened 
during  any  sessions  of  Parlia- 
ment." It  was  said  at  the 
time — in  those  days  there  was 


WINTERTON'S  I  befit  our  noble  Earl  when  remonstrating  Speaker  in  1708-10,  it   was  recorded: 
lot  infrequent   with  WINSOME  WINSTON  on  points  of !"  There  was  an  ease  and  openings  in 

his   address  that   even    at  first  sight 
parliamen-  gave  him  the  heart  of  every  man  he 


decorum  and  order. 


Other  links    with    old 

tary  times  are  provided  in  this  fasci-  spoke  to."  That  might  well  have  been 
nating  book.  Six  hundred  years  before  ,  written  of  the  present  Earl  ONSLOW. 
Mr.  LOWTHER  was  conducted  to  the  All  who  know  him  will  recognise  the 
Chair  whose  high  traditions  he  has  \  curious  appositeness  and  accuracy  of 
splendidly  maintained,  one  of  his  kith  the  characterization. 


and  kin  sat  in  Parliament  as  Knight  I 


ABUSE  OF  SANCTUARY. 


Lord  HUGH  CECIL,  safe  within  the  battlements  of  Oxford 


Regret  to  find  the  earliest  recorded 
appearance  in  House  of  forbears 
of  the  MASTER  OF  ELIBANK  led 
to  what  is  to-day  known  in  Par- 
liamentary reports  as  "a  scene." 
ALEXANDER  MURRAY,'  brother  to 
the  Lord  ELIBANK  of  that  day, 
was  summoned  to  Bar  of  House 
in  order  to  be  reprimanded  for 
alleged  riotous  behaviour  in 
Covent  Garden  during  recent 
election  for  Borough  of  West- 
minster. Ordered  by  the 
SPEAKER  to  kneel  whilst  the 
right  hon.  gentleman  addressed 
to  him  a  few  pregnant  remarks, 
MURRAY  refused  to  obey,  and 
was  forthwith  haled  to  New- 
gate, where  he  remained  till  the 
Prorogation  brought  about  his 
release. 

Business  done. — Progress  re- 
ported in  Committee  on  Veto 
Bill.  Not  much  made.  But  if 
we  wait  till  resumption  of  sit- 
tings after  Easter  we  shall,  as 
the  PREMIER  with  characteristic 
brevity  puts  it,  "  see." 

Wednesday. —  Usual  miscel- 
laneous debate  on  Motion  for 
adjourning  over  Recess.  Good 
Friday  too  close  at  hand  and 


malicious  gossip  in  the  House — 
that  this  cryptic  injunction  had 
something  to  do  with  backstair  in- 
fluence. Howbeit  there  was  much  ado 
when  discovery  was  made  that  Mr. 
SPEAKER  was  secretly  in  the  pay  of  the 
East  India  Company. 

To  this  day  there  hangs  on  the  wall 
of  the  dining-room  in  the  SPEAKER'S 
House,  amongst  other  portraits  of 
his  predecessors,  one  of  Sir  EDWARD 
TUHNOUR.  It  was  presented  more  than 
a  hundred  years  ago  by  the  regnant 
Earl  WINTERTON.  No  personal  re- 
semblance to  be  found  in  latest  bearer 
of  honoured  name.  SPEAKER  TUHNOUR 
of  1661  was  shorter,  stouter,  not  to 
speak  of  being  balder,  than  his  popular 
descendant.  There  is,  however,  one 
characteristic  point.  Sir  EDWARD,  in 
laager  behind  the  Mace,  holds  uplifted 


University,  sees  clearly  the  frailty  and  "corruption"  of  other 
people,  and  assails  them  with  the  nearest  approach   to  Lime- 


house  and  Billingsgate  that  blue  blood  permits. 


holiday  too   brief  for   heart  to 


of  the  Shire  for  Westmorland.  In  the 
Parliament  of  1597  there  was  returned 
as  Member  for  Brackley,  Northants, 
one  RANDOLPH  CREWE,  forbear  of  the 
statesman  temporarily  retired  from 
the  leadership  of  the  House  of  Lords. 
Seventeen  years  later  Sir  RANDOLPH 
was  elected  Speaker.  That  is  only 
half  the  story.  He  was,  at  due 
interval,  succeeded  in  the  Chair  by 
his  brother  THOMAS,  a  unique  dis- 
tinction for  a  family. 

More  familiar  is  the  fact  that  the 
Lord  Chairman  of  the  -House  of  Lords, 
whose  resignation  is  pending  under 
circumstances  of  health  everyone  de- 
plores, is  a  direct  descendant  of  not 
fewer  than  three  progenitors  who  sat  in 
the  Speaker's  Chair.  But  they  came 


be  thrown  into  the  business. 
Business  done. — Adjourned 

till  Tuesday  next.  One  of  the 
briefest  Easter  holidays  known  in 
modern  times.  Members  complain 
that  arrangement  hardly  leaves  them 
time  to  get  up  to  Hampstead  Heath 
for  a  donkey  ride,  or 


wich    for    a    roll    adown 


to 

its 


Green  - 
grassy 

slopes.  This,  COUSIN  HUGH  points 
out,  comes  of  a  truculent  Ministry 
imperiously  forcing  the  pace  of  revolu- 
tionary legislation.  In  spite  of  arctic 
weather  prevalent  of  late,  HUGH  goes 
scattering  round  rare  flowers  of  speech. 
Described  the  Mother  of  Parliaments  as 
"  in  alarge  measure  a  corrupt  assembly  " 
wherein  "Members  are  forced  to  put 
up  with  ths  vicarious  insolences  of 
a  Deputy."  This  a  backhander  for 
WINSTON  in  charge  of  Parliament  Bill 
during  PREMIER'S  absence. 


288 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CIIAIUVAKI. 


1911. 


A   BILLIARD    FORECAST. 

FROM  The  Sportsman  of  January  1, 
1913.— The  outstanding  event  of  the 
past  year,  in  the  world  of  billiards, 
has  undoubtedly  boon  the  new  regu- 
lation about  the  losing  haxard  off  the 
red.  Mr.  GEORGE  GRAY'S  (unfinished) 
break  of  10,179  at  Leicester  in  June,  on 
which  occasion  he  occupied  the  table 
for  three  consecutive  weeks,  and  his 
opponent  felt  justified  in  spending  the 
week-ends  in 'the  country,  has  at  last 
opened  the  eyes  of  the  authorities.  It 
is  not  generally  known  that  in  the 
course  of  this  match  the  right-hand 
centre  pocket  had  to  be  three  times 
renewed  by  a  local  upholsterer.  The 
stroke  was  repeated  with  such  perfect 
precision  that,  after  the  first  ten  days, 
no  objection  whatever  was  raised  to 
spectators  placing  their  hats  on  the 
left-hand  side  of  the  table,  and  on  one 
evening  towards  the  close  the  umpire 
went  so  far  as  to  take  his  tea  off 
it.  While  hsartily  sympathising  with 
Mr.  GRAY,  we  feel  sure  that  he  will 
recognise  that  in  the  best  interests  of 
the  game  the  new  regulation  could  be 
no  longer  delayed,  and  his  favourite 
stroke  was  bound  to  go  the  way  of 
the  spot-stroke  and  the  anchor-stroke. 
Now  that  only  ten  such  consecutive 
losing  hazards  off  the  red  are  permis- 
sible we  look  for  a  revival  in  the 
interest  taken  in  the  game. 

From  The  Sportsman  of  January  1, 
1915. — It  has  been  a  year  of  great  un- 
rest in  the  billiard  world.  There  is  no 
doubt  that  the  advent  of  the  Chilian 
champion,  Signer  Pianola,  has  shown 
up  weak  spots  in  the  game  as  it  is  at 
present  played.  His  wonderful  new 
stroke,  by  which  he  makes  the  red  ball 
run  along  the  top  of  the  cushion,  off 
the  spot,  into  one  corner  pocket,  while 
his  own  ball  screws  back  into  the  other, 
has  led  to  some  astounding  scores. 
As  he  always  makes  six  in  this  manner 
at  a  single  stroke  his  figures  mount 
rapidly,  and  he  appears  to  be  able  to 
repeat  the  performance  indefinitely,  so 
that  his  (unfinished)  break  of  23,675 
at  Wolverhampton,  in  September,  was 
compiled  in  the  remarkably  short 
period  of  seventeen  days.  The  authori- 
ties are,  however,  looking  into  the 
matter,  and  drastic  action  is  expected. 
It  is  abundantly  clear  that  the  game 
has  become  too  easy. 

From  The  Sportsman  of  January  1, 
1925 — The  redoubtable  Scot,  Alexander 
McKettrick,  who  has  caused  such  a 
profound  sensation  by  his  (unfinished) 
break  of  78,952  at  Exeter,  which  began 
in  October,  and  was  suspended  in  the 
beginning  of  last  week,  when  the 
umpire  declared  the  spot  ball  no  longer 
jiliivablc,  informed  our  representative 


ONE  OF  THE  OLD  GUARD. 
';To  us  who  are  old  soldiers  iu  the  army  of 
which  you  are  the  recruits,    who  have  been 
ngaged  in  difficult  campaigns  before  you  were 

l»rn " 

(Mr.  BAI.FOUB.) 


in  the  course  of  a  chat  last  evening 
that  ho  had  spent  no  fewer  than  eight 
years  in  perfecting  his  new  policy  of 
chivying  the  white.  lie  pointed  out 
that  the  red  ball  was  now  so  hampered 
and  protected  by  limitations  that  he 
had  found  it  best  to  tuck  it  out  of  the 
way  under  the  bottom  cushion  while 
lie  goes  in  off  the  white  into  each  of  the 
six  pockets  in  turn.  It  is  understood 
that  the  special  regulations  for  the 
coming  season  are  now  under  discus- 
sion. 

From  The  Sportsman  of  1951.— The 
natch  between  Mr.  Percy  Plump  and 
rlerr  Hans  Kartofflen  for  the  world's 
hampionsliip,  which  begins  at  Widnes 
on  Februar'-  3,  will  bo  played  under 
the  new  regulations  That  is  to  say, 
with  the  circular  table,  the  oblique 
sockets,  and  the  diminished  red.  It 
s,  by  the  way,  whispered  in  certain 
circles  that  Mr.  Plump  has  been 
laborating  a  new  stroke  off  the  bunker 
;uarding  the  centre  pocket,  which  may 
cause  trouble.  Herr  KartofHen  lias 
odged  a  protest  against  the  exten- 
sion of  the  baulk,  pointing  out — not 
without  reason — that  being  a  man 
of  small  stature  it  makes  it  almost 
impossible  for  him  to  play  from  behind 
;he  popping-crease  without  the  use  of 
;he  long  rest.  There  is  something,  we 
;hink,  to  be  said  on  both  sides  of  this 
question. 

Much  interest  is  manifested  in  the 
probable  effect  of  the  two  new  regu- 
lations— that  which  lays  down  that 
every  stroke  shall  include  a  cannon  off 
the  red,  and  that  which  compels  the 
player  to  use  both  ends  of  the  cue 
alternately.  It  is  hoped  that  they  will 
not  so  far  reduce  the  scoring  as  to 
cause  any  further  marked  curtailment 
in  the  leisure  of  the  .performer. who  is 
not  in  play.  The  old  custom  of  paying 
a  visit  to  the  Continent  has  already 
fallen  into  desuetude,  but  short  trips 
to  British  beauty-spots  should  still  be 
possible. 

The  table  will  be  tilted,  as  is 
customary,  at  an  angle  of  13  degrees. 


ANOTHKR    NUMBER    OK    THE   OLD 
GUARD. 

(Mr.  CIIAVI.IX  ) 


THE  GREAT  MIND  AT  WORK. 
AKTHTJR  is  a  novelist,  and  yet  he 
is  my  husband.  They  all  told  me, 
when  I  allowed  it  to  happen,  that  one 
should  never  marry  novelists  because 
they  are  always  about  the  house  when 
you  don't  want  them,  and  of  no  use 
when  you  do.  But  after  all  it  isn't  as 
if  I  went  into  a  showroom  full  of 
eligible  young  men  (labelled)  and  said, 
"  I  will  take  that  one."  Besides,  he 
didn't  mention  the  novels  at  all  until 
1  had  said  Yes. 

We  have  been  married  about  a  year 
now,   but,    not   seeing    why   even   the 


Arrar,  19,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


289 


Frovineial  Mayor  (who  is  making  a  buffer  popularity,  to  Bepresenlatice  of  tht  Pros).   "COME  IN  ;  TAKE  A  SEAT.     I  ALWAYS 


newly-married  wife  of  a  novelist  with 
private  means  should  not  have  a  few 
friends  to  dinner,  I  asked  the  Went- 
worths  and  Captain  Prosser  and  old 
Miss  Walker  and  one  or  two  others  for 
Tuesday  night ;  but  on  Tuesday  mom- 
ing  I  could  not  for  the  life  of  me 
arrange  how  they  were  to  sit  at  table. 
If  I  arranged  it  so  that  the  people  who 
ought  to  sit  next  to  each  other  did,  the 
people  who  ought  not  to  sit  next  to 
each  other  also  did;  if  so  that  the 
people  who  ought  not  to  sit  next  to 
each  other  didn't,  the  people  who  ought 
to  sit  next  to  each  other  also  didn't. 
Perhaps  I  should  have  done  better  if 
Arthur  had  not  persisted  in  helping 
me.  This  is  Arthur's  idea  of  help. 

"  Bill  Wentworth  to  take  you  in  and 
sit  on  your  right  ?  Yes.  No.  I  dare 
say.  He  will  tell  you  all  about  himself 
and  be  very  cross  with  you  if  you  laugh 
at  him.  He  doesn't  like  being  ragged. 
His  leg  is  like  the  communication  cord, 
obviously  pullable,  but  not  really  meant 
to  be  pulled.  On  the  other  hand,  if 
you  show  sympathy  he  will  want  more. 
1  To  will  get  you  on  to  the  subject  of 
hot  baths  and  tell  you  that  he  always 
has  a  cold  one.  The  cold  bath  is  the 
niost  arrogant  form  of  martyrdom.  I 
once  knew  a  wife  who  had  the  cold  tap 


removed  from  her  bathroom  because 
she  thought  her  husband  was  becoming 
a  prig.  I  must  mention  her  to  Mrs. 
Bill." 

"Thank  you,"  I  said,  biting  the 
pencil  in  despair,  for  we  had  been  at  it 
for  nearly  an  hour  and  had  not  even 
started.  "  The  question  is  rather,  What 
about  Captain  Prosser  ?  Ought  not  he 
to  take  me  in  ?  He  is  such  a  dear  1 " 

In  pressure  of  business  Arthur  follows 
every  line  except  the  right  one.  "  Short- 
sighted husbands  would  take  objection 
to  that,"  he  said,  lighting  a  cigarette, 
"  but  not  so  I.  I  should  never  be 
jealous  of  another  man.  Just  suppose, 
for  instance,  that  you  were  to  carry  on 
with  young  Prosser.  ..." 

"  Arthur  1 "  I  exclaimed. 

"  Only  suppose,"  he  answered,  taking 
up  a  position  (horrors)  before  the  fire. 
I  should  not  be  alarmed.  I  should 
not  even  be  angry.  Husbands,  my 
dear,  are  like  collar  studs.  When  you 
have  them  they  only  irritate  you.  To 
lose  them  is  to  find  you  cannot  do 
without  them." 

I  tried  a  fresh  start.  "  There  is  old 
Miss  Walker.  What  shall  we  do  with 
her?" 

"  Yes,"  he  murmured.  "  That  is  the 
question.  Woman  is  an  eternal  pro- 


blem.    She  may  be  divided  into  four 
classes.  .  .  ." 

"Darling,"  I  interrupted,  with  my 
most  flattering  smile, "  you  are  obviously 
inspired  this  morning.  It  is  very  nice 
to  have  your  help  like  this,  but  isn't 
it  rather  wasted  on  the  mere  arrange- 
ment of  a  table  ?  Why  not  sit  down 
now  and  write  some  more  novels  ?  " 

With  a  little  persuasion  Arthur  came 
to  believe  that  he  really  was  inspired, 
and  actually  sat  down  at  his  desk  and 
started  putting  new  nibs  in  his  pens.  I 
put  a  nice  sheet  of  clean  paper  before 
him,  stroked  his  hair,  and  left  him 
looking  thoroughly  important  and 
businesslike.  Thence  to  interview  the 
cook  about  food. 

*  -:t  *  •> 

But  what  about  the  arrangement  of 
the  table  ?  you  ask.  Ah  I  I  had  no 
need  to  worry  any  more  about  that.  I 
knew  that  when  I  went  in  again  to  see 
Arthur  and  ask  him  how  the  novel  was 
getting  on  he  would  show  me  a  beauti- 
ful plan  of  the  table,  drawn  to  scale  by 
himself,  with  everybody  put  to  sit  in 
the  only  one  place  that  everybody 
could  possibly  sit  in.  And  of  course 
he  had.  You  know  these  Arthurs  can 
be  quite  useful  as  long  as  they  are  not 
trying  to  be  clever. 


290 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    -IIARIVARI. 


[Amu,  19.  1911. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  SUPPLEMENT. 

[With  acknowledgment*  to  The  Times  and  it  < 
Soutli  Amen  MII  Suppicmeuts.] 

I.— BOLUMBIA. 
BOLUMBIA   AND   GllEAT   BlflTAIN. 

IT  would  be  idle  to  pretend  that  Sir 
EDWARD  GREY'S  recent  great  utterance 
attracted  any  notica  in  Bolumbia,  either 
in  the  country  at  large  or  in  the  capital. 
This  probably  is  due  to  the  circum- 
stance that  the  local  papers  pay  no 
attention  whatever  to  foreign  affairs. 
But  it  may  not  be  a  misapplication  of 
time  to  speculate  a  little  as  to  what 
the  Bolumbians  would  have  thought 
had  a  translation  of  our  FOREIGN 
SECRETARY'S  weighty  words  come 
their  way.  For  Bolumbia,  it  has  to  be 
borne  in  mind,  is  a  country  of  some 
millions  of  square  miles,  entirely  sur- 
rounded cither  by  an  impassable  chain 
of  mountains  or  by  the  sea,  and  is  thus 
to  some  extent  safeguarded  by  nature 
from  certain  of  the  dangers  that  beset 
such  a  country,  for  example,  as 
Germany — so  near  and  accessible  to 
France,  Austria,  Holland,  Denmark, 
Russia,  Belgium,  and,  last  of  all,  to 
the  bloodthirsty  Swiss.  Any  talk  of 
universal  arbitration  would  necessarily 
set  the  pulses  beating  in  Germany ; 
but  when  you  get  a  country  like 
Bolumbia,  with  its  natural  bulwarks, 
why,  then,  any  idealistic  peace  aspira 
tions,  were  they  to  reach  it  at  all, 
would  fall  on  indifferent  ears.  But, 
as  we  have  said,  Bolumbia  knew 
nothing  about  it. 

OUR  IMPRESSIONS  OP  URAJAY. 
(By  a  Correspondent.) 

Entering  Urajay,  the  capital  o 
Bolumbia,  from  the  North,  one  is  struck 
by  the  change  from  country  to  town 
Where  one  had  been  seeing  only  the 
boundless  prairie  one  sees  now  houses 
and  streets.  Nothing  could  be  more 
different.  The  wild  horses  meanwhil< 
give  way  to  human  beings. 

One  knows,  moreover,  at  once  tha 
one  is  not  in  an  English  town.  Th< 
walls  are  too  white,  the  roofs  too  red 
The  head-dresses  both  of  the  men  anc 
women,  to  say  nothing  of  their  swarthj 
complexions,  are  against  it.  The  whoL 
air  of  the  place,  in  short,  is  foreign. 

The  principal  means  of  locomotion 
in  Urajay  is  walking.     One  sees  peopli 
walking  in  all  directions.     Carriage: 
one  sees  too,  and  carts  loaded  with  pro 
duce.     The  whole  scene  is  animated 
here  a  cafe,  there   a  church  ;   here  £ 
private  house,  there  a  shop. 

Urajay    is    certainly    smaller    than 
London.     It  would  be  absurd  to  com 
pare  the  two  capitals,  but  it  is  large 
than  Epping.     The  Government  Hous 
is  in  the  centre,  and  here  dwells  th 


'resident  during  his  term  of  office,  a 
inematoseope  being  constantly  trained 
n  the  back  door  to  mark  the  succession 
f  rulers.  For  the  Bolumbiana  are  a 
leasure-loving  race,  and  rather  than 
lavo  nothing  to  laugh  at  in  their 
licture  theatres  they  will  improvise  a 
raniii  whenever  they  catch  sight  of  the 
•nuzzle  of  a  camera.  Every  adult,  and 
lot  a  few  of  the  children,  carries  a  six- 
hooter,  while  the  hat-pins  of  the 
vomen  are  all  of  tested  steel.  It  is  no 
ncommon  thing  in  a  restaurant  to  see 

wcll-drossod  woman  refusing  to  pay 
ler  bill,  and,  if  pressed,  stabbing  not 
nly  the  waiter,  but  the  proprietor  to 
eath. 

No  doubt  the  quick  temper  of  the 
Jrajayans  is  against  them  as  neigh- 
iours;  but  it  has  to  be  confessed  that 
iy  their  energy  and  resource  they  hav 
luilt  up  a  wonderful  city,  which  cannot 
ae  too  widely  discussed. 

ENGLISHMEN  IN  BOLUMBIA. 
I, — LORD  BKOADHEAD. 

The  brief  and  tempestuous   life  of 
Hercules  Bulley,   first   Baron  Broad- 
lead,  had  many  phases.     It  is  barely 
;wenty-five  years   since  he  was   sent 
down  from  Christ  Church  for   filling 
;he  basin  of   Mercury  in  Tom   Quad 
with  bottled  beer  and  bathing  in  it  in 
aroad  daylight.    His  exploits  as  a  jour- 
nalist, when  lie  wrote  simultaneously 
for  The  Church  Times,  The  Tablet  and 
Bcynolds's,  are  still  fresh  in  the  memory 
of  Fleet  Street.     From  journalism  he 
passed  to  politics,   but   here  too  the 
stormy  petrel  element  in  his  character 
militated  against  enduring  success.   He 
accused  the  Speaker  of  gross  partiality, 
and  when  rebuked  by  the  Opposition 
he  suddenly  produced  a  corkscrew  from 
his  pocket  and  drove  it  into  the  calf  of 
the  Tory  Leader.     As  a  result  of  the 
litigation  which   followed,  Mr.  Bulley 
resigned  his  seat,  but  was  shortly  after 
raised  to  the  Peerage.    The  atmosphere 
of  the  Upper  House,  however,  was  too 
chilling  for  his  fervid  temperament  and 
he  suddenly  disappeared  from  England 
re-emerging  shortly  afterwards  as  the 
ringleader  of  the  revolutionary  party  in 
Bolumbia.    At  the  head  of  the  Franco- 
English  legion  he  drove  out  the  Presi 
dent,  Dr.  Jabon   de  Verbena,  and  in- 
stalled himself  as  Dictator,  celebrating 
his  rule  by  a  number  of  edicts  which 
still  render  the  Eepublic  of  Bolumbia 
the  cynosure  of  the   civilised   world 
One  of  his  first  acts  was  to  expel  al 
Jews   and  teetotalers  from  Bolumbia 
He  also  made  it  a  penal  offence  to  sell 
methylated   spirits   for  drinking  pur- 
poses.    When  the   United  States  de- 
clared war  on  Bolumbia,   he   led   his 
forces  into  the  field,  chanting  war-songs 


n  a  high  falsetto  to  the  accompaniment 
f  a  ten-stringed  lute,  and  so  paralysed 
he  American  rough-riders  that  in  less 
ban  a  week  the  invaders  had  evacu- 
ated Bolumbia.       The  memory  of  his 
xploits  still  hangs  about  Oxford  and 
St.  Stephen's,  but  his  most  conspicuous 
ervices   to    humanity   were    rendered 
n  Bolumbia,  where  the  natives   still 
illude  to  him  by  the  affectionate  nick- 
name of  "Fathead." 

Music  IN  BOLUMBIA. 

By  Dr.  Ilonald  Bovcy. 

The  musical  instruments  of  Bolumbia 
are  limited  in  number,   being  practi- 
ally  confined  to  the  Bom-bom,  a  rude 
side-drum   made    of    solid   wood    and 
struck  alternately  at  each  end  with  an 
mplement   called  the  Kampanrj ;    the 
Tlexicoatl,  a  rattle  formed  of  shark  skin, 
ontaining    sea    shells;    and   lastly   a 
:urious  instrument  of  percussion,  known 
as  the  Popatopatop,  which  consists  of 
he  bisected  skull  of  the  tapir  with  the 
ikin  of  the  pangofnin  stretched  tightly 
across.     This  is  also  played  with  the 
Kampaiiy,   or  sometimes    with    short 
.ticks    made    of    petrified   asparagus. 
My  colleague,  Miss  Slazenger,  tells  me 
.hat  she  has  discovered  documentary 
vidence     that    in    the     antediluvian 
period  of  Bolumbia,  before  the  invasion 
of  the  Catepetlican  hordes  from  Yuea- 
an,  no  fewer  than  378  distinct  types 
of  Popatopalofwete  in  use,  and  I  much 
regret  that  I  am  unable  to  reproduce 
them  here.     Readers,  however,  may  be 
referred  to  the  XCIXth  volume  of  the 
new  Encyclopedia  Britannica,  in  which 
an  article  of  514  pages  is  devoted  to 
this  remarkable  instrument. 

For  the  rest  it  may  be  noted  that  the 
natives  of  Bolumbia  have  a  fascinat- 
ing habit  of  singing  through  their 
noses  in  absolutely  unrelated  keys,  an 
accomplishment  in  which  they  are  not 
excelled  by  any  civilised  nation. 

CORRESPONDENCE. 

SIR, — It  was  stated  of  the  Prefect 
of  Bexillico,  at  the  recent  celebration 
of  the  foundation  of  the  Republic  of 
Bolumbia,  that  to  the  first  President, 
the  illustrious  Don  Ovadon,  we  owe  the 
inestimable  privilege  of  a  two-risotto 
post.  This  is  an  error.  Much  as 
the  ever-to-bo-remembered  Presidenl 
Ovadon  did  for  his  not-too-gratefu 
country,  this  particular  act  escapee 
him.  Throughout  his  whole  fortnight's 
period  of  Presidency  the  cheapesl 
stamp  for  a  letter  cost  six  risottos,  am" 
for  a  postcard,  three  risottos. .  The 
introduction  of  the  two-risotto  standard 
was  inaugurated  in  the  same  year  as 
Ovadon's  Presidency,  it  is  true,  but  bj 
the  fourth  President  to  suece-'d  him 


APRIL  19,  1911.] 


'SPEEDING    UP"    IN    OUR   VILLAGE. 

Lady.    "  I   WAST  THREE   PENNYWORTH   OF  CUTLET  FRILLS,    PLEASE." 

Proprietor  of  our  Only  Shop.  "An !  YES  ;  THAT  WILL  BE  IN  OUB  FOREIGN  AND  FANCY  DEPARTMENT.  MADAM.     Miss  JONE*  MAY 

I  ASK   YOU  TO   GET  OFF  THE   F.    AND   F.    AND   PROCURE  THE   LADY  THB  ARTICLE   IN   QUESTION  1  " 


namely  the  austere  and  distinguished 
Nevadon.     I  am,  Sir, 

Your  humble  servant, 
April  1st.  LEHDO  ONDERDON. 

An  Anglo-Bolumbian  writes  suggest- 
ing that  the  time  has  come  for  Bolumbia 
to  be  recognised  at  Shepherd's  Bush. 
"  In  that  way,"  he  says,  "  people  will  get 
to  hear  of  us  and  our  vast  resources 
for  the  emigrant,  and  we  shall  receive 
some  of  that  influx  of  young  ambitious 
blood  that  we  so  badly  need.  I  would 
point  out,"  he  adds  in  conclusion,  "that 
the  Bolumbian  President  can  be  of  any 
nationality,  and  often  is ;  and  that  we 
have  a  proverb  that  every  determined 
lad  carries  the  President's  six-shooter 
in  his  hip-pocket." 

Fauna  and  Flora  of  the  Far  East. 

'  The  Yanj;tzepoo  property  was  supposed  to 
•npply  the  hotel  with  fresh  vegetables.  What 
were  the  facts?  The  only  benefit  the  hotel 
derived  was  a  few  flowers  from  this  otherwise 
white  elephant." — From  speech  reported  in 
"  The  North  China  Daily  News." 

MEN  WHO  COUNT  :  —  Tho  Census 
Officials. 


TO    DOROTHY. 
I  TAKE  off  my  hat  to  you,  Dolly  I 

By  methods  not  easy  to  beat 
You  've  proved  the  unspeakable  folly 
Of  those  who  declare  we  're  effete ; 
On  the  ways  of  the  lords  of  creation 

We  needn't  write  funeral  odes 
So  long  as  we  've  your  imitation 
Of  man  and  his  modes ! 

How  neatly  and  nicely  you  flatter  I 

You  've  caught  our  imperious  tone  ; 
And  the  drawl  that  I  note  in  your 

chatter 

Might  pass  very  well  for  my  own ; 
In  your  figure,  besides,  there 's  a  trace  of 
The  spread  of  more  masculine  ways ; 
And  I  'm  willing  to  wager  a  stray  8ov. 
You  never  wear  stays ! 

You  look  upon  man  as  an  equal, 
As  a  "  pal "  who  is  trusty  and  true ; 

But  a  crude  matrimonial  sequel 
Is  not  to  be  thought  of  for  you ; 

With  a  cigarette-end  in  your  lingers, 
And  no  end  of  disdain  in  your  glance, 

There  hovers  around  you  and  lingers 
No  silly  romance  I 


Your     watchword,     dear     Dolly,    is 

Freedom ; 

Your  suitors,  who  want  you  to  pair, 
You  leave  to  whoever  may  need  'em, 

And  pass  with  your  nose  in  the  air ; 

But  though  they  lie  lorn  and  forsaken 

Yet  their  slouch  and  their  slang  are 

your  joys, 

Till  I  think  you  might  almost  be  taken 
For  one  of  the  boys  1 

And  yet  with  all  diffident  doubts  I  'd 
Suggest  you  can  learn  from  us  still, 

Though  you  imitate  man  on  his  outside 
With  more  than  a  Rosalind's  skill ; 

For,  clever  as  may  be  your  playing, 
One  point  has  eluded  your  ken — 

The  ancient  and  accurate  saying 

That  manners  make  men ! 


"  When  an  account  for  killing  rats  was  ren- 
dered to  the  Theclwastre  District  Council  by 
the  Thureton,  Suffolk,  Parish  Council,  the 
District  Council  decided  to  disclaim  liability." 
—  Western  Morning  Xevt. 

There  is  a  precedent  for  this  which  no 
doubt  the  District  Council  has  con- 
sidered. Let  us  hope  that  Thedwastre 
will  be  more  fortunate  than  Hamelin. 


292 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  19,  1911. 


THE    FIRE-ARMS    DANGER. 

SOME  wives  are  wonderfully  generous. 
They  are 'ready  to  make  a  present  of 
their  husband  to  the  first  burglar  who 
asks  for  hkn. 

Take  my  own  case.  I  am  not  strong. 
Of  a  studious  nature,  I  have,  I  fear, 
thrown  physique  to  the  dogs.  I  have 
developed  my  brain  at  the  expense  of 
my  muscle.  In  these  circumstances  I 
hold  that,  provided  one  is  insured 
against  the  risk,  one  should  allow 
burglars,  if  they  call,  to  work  un- 
disturbed. It  would  be  crass  folly  to 
interfere  with  them.  My  wife — who 
is  considerably  younger  than  I— 
holds  different  views  in  this  respecb. 
Well,  I  hope  she  has  had  her  lesson 
now. 

The  incident  which  I  am  about  to 
describe  happened  four  weeks  ago,  but 
I  only  now  feel  well  enough  to  set  it 
down.  My  nerves  are  still  all  awry. 

It  started  in  the  usual  way.  My 
wife  woke  me  up,  and  said  she  heard 
noises  downstairs.  I  listened,  distinctly 
heard  a  movement,  and  told  my  wife 
that  she  must  have  been  dreaming. 
She  then  sat  up,  listened  hard  again, 
and  said  it  was  no  dream.  At  that  I 
sat  up,  and  said  I  thought  I  did  hear 
something  now,  but  it  was  obvious 
what  it  was  :  it  was  the  wind  making 
a  door  creak.  "  It  'a  nothing  of  the 
sort,"  she  said,  "  it  'a  a  man  got  into 
the  house.  Do  go  and  see."  I  then 
went  through  all  my  stock  arguments. 
"  Granted,"  I  said,  "  that  it  is  a  burglar, 
what  then  ?  We  are  insured  ;  why  not 
leave  him  alone  ?  Moreover,  think 
what  an  unequal  contest  it  would  be. 
Here  am  I  awakened  suddenly  at 
two  o'clock  in  the  morning,  when  my 
vitality  is  at  its  very  lowest,  and  asked 
to  face  an  armed  ruffian  who  is  at 
his  very  best.  He'll  be  able  to  see 
me  coming  before  I  cau  see  him,  and 
simply  pot  at  me.  Everything  is  in  his 
favour.  Why,  he  'd  only  have  to  stamp 
on  my  feet."  "  It  may  not  be  a 
burglar,"  said  my  wife  feebly;  "  go  and 
see."  "  And  catch  cold  for  nothing?" 
I  added.  "John,"  said  my  wife,  "I 
believe  you  're  afraid."  "  Anyone  but 
a  fool  would  be  afraid,"  I  retorted, 
getting  slowly  out  of  bed  and  donning 
my  dressing-gown  and  slippers. 

I  went  downstairs  and  listened,  and 
could  hear  nothing  now.  "  Well  ?  " 
said  my  wife  on  my  return.  "  You 
were  right,"  I  answered,  as  I  playfully 
pinched  her  check ;  "  there  are  fifteen 
burglars  in  the  dining-room  and  three 
in  the  drawing-room."  "Funny?" 
asked  my  wife.  "Fairly,"  I  replied,  as 
I  settled  myself  comfortably  again  in 
bed.  But  not  for  long.  Scarcely  had 
I  let  down  my  eyelids  when  she  roused 


me  again.  "I  am  quite  certain  this 
time,"  she  said.  "  Do  go  down  and  see, 
or  we  shall  have  them  going  upstairs  and 
frightening  the  servants."  A  husband, 
I  suppose,  is  easier  to  get  than  a  good 
cook.  "  Oh,  leave  them  alone,"  I  said. 
"  All  right,  I  '11  go  myself,"  she  retorted, 
and  she  made  as  though  she  would  get 
up.  And  I  believe  she  would  have  done 
so  had  I  not  anticipated  her.  My  wife 
is  the  very  antipodes  of  me :  she  has 
not  sufficient  imagination  to  know  what 
danger  is,  excels  in  sport,  loves  dress 
and  pleasure,  and  would  dance  a 
dervish  off  his  feet.  She  has  just 
those  qualities  which  I  lack,  and  ours, 
I  suspect,  is  the  ideal  union.  I  resolved 
to  make  one  last  fight  for  my  life.  "  I  '11 
go,"  I  said  ;  "  but  remember  that  black 
does  not  suit  you."  "  Oh,  go,"  she 
cried;  "and  take  a  stout  stick,  and, 
when  you  come  back,  don't  slam  the 
door,  as  I  may  be  asleep;"  and  she 
turned  over  and  composed  herself. 

When  I  got  outside  there  was  no 
doubt  at  all  about  it.  I  distinctly  heard 
movements  below.  I  was  about  to 
fetch  a  knobkerry  which  I  keep  among 
my  curios,  when  a  better  idea  struck 
me.  Why  not  try  bluff?  There  was 
my  little  sham  pistol.  After  all,  the 
fellow  would  as  likely  as  not  wrench 
the  knobkerry,  which  I  valued,  from 
my  grasp,  and  use  it  against  me,  for 
some  burglars  are  shockingly  dishonest. 
The  sham  pistol  had  been  given  me 
by  a  friend  who  bought  it  in  Paris — • 
though  I  have  since  seen  them  here  in 
London  at  a  shilling.  It  was  rather  an 
ingenious  little  thing.  An  exact  re- 
production, in  black  metal,  of  a  mag- 
azine revolver,  it  was  really  a  cigarette 
case.  You  pulled  the  trigger  and  it 
emitted  a  cigarette.  Curiously  enough, 
I  remember  someone  remarking  once : 
"  A  capital  thing  to  frighten  burglars 
with."  So  I  fetched  this  from  my 
dressing-room,  went  downstairs  quietly, 
and  threw  open  the  dining-room  door. 

The  electric  light  had  been  turned 
on,  and  sure  enough,  in  the  far  corner 
of  the  room,  there  was  an  ugly-looking 
customer  stowing  away  my  silver  in  a 
bag.  I  surprised  him  as  he  had  his 
hand  on  a  silver  dpergne  which  had 
been  given  me  by  a  friend  for  whom  I 
.had  done  some  little  service.  I  was 
peculiarly  attached  to  this,  as  it  had 
an  inscription  on  it  to  which  I  would 
occasionally  draw  my  wife's  attention 
as  showing  that  there  was  someone, 
anyhow,  who  had  a  high  opinion  of  me. 

"  Hands  up  !  "  I  cried,  as  I  levelled 
the  sham  pistol  at  the  fellow.  To  my 
surprise  he  complied  with  my  request, 
and  the  epergne  fell  to  the  ground. 
"  Don't  shoot,  guv'nor,  and  I  '11  come 
with  you."  "And  now  back  out  of  the 
room,"  I  said,  "  and  out  of  the  house." 


He  continued  to  obey  me,  and  the  more 
he  backed  the  more  I  liked  it.  The 
majesty  in  man  seemed  to  be  aroused 
in  me,  and  I  remember  wishing  my  wife 
could  have  seen  me.  Then,  I  suppose, 
I  grew  elated  and  reckless.  We  were 
in  the  hall  now,  and  I  quickened  my 
pace.  All  the  time  I  had  my  finger  on 
the  trigger.  Suddenly  an  irresistible 
impulse  made  me  pull  it — and  an 
innocuous  cigarette  shot  out  and  fell 
gently  at  the  burglar's  feet. 

To  attempt  to  take  a  burglar  by 
false  pretences  is  a  serious  matter. 
The  man  resented  it.  With  care,  the 
doctors  think,  I  shall  be  quite  myself 
in  another  couple  of  months.  My 
wife  is  nursing  me,  and  I  like  to 
think  that  I  am  rather  a  troublesome 
patient. 

MEN  WITH  A  FUTURE. 

f"  PROPHETIC  Astrologist  Required  in  con- 
nection with  almanac  publication."] 

The  following  applications  in  answer 
to  the  above  advertisement  have  been 
received. 

DEAR  SIR, — I  beg  to  apply  for  the 
position  advertised.  I  have  long  studied 
the  stars,  and  frequently  proved  my 
ability  as  an  anticipator  of  events.  For 
instance  I  was  a  member  of  the  Albert 
Hall  audience  addressed  by  Mr.  BALFOUR 
last  December,  and  have  witnesses  to 
prove  that,  when  the  great  audience 
rose  at  his  allusion  to  the  Referendum 
and  cried,  "  This  will  win  the  election," 
I  made  the  remark,  "  I  doubt  it." 
There  were  10,000  people  present. 
I  was  right,  and  9,999  people  were 
wrong. — AULD  LANG  MOORE. 

SIR, — Going  upstairs  last  night  and 
believing  my  bedroom  door  to  be  ajar, 
I  stepped  forward  to  enter  the  room. 
The  door  was  closed.  The  next  instant 
I  saw  a  number  of  constellations  in 
close  relation  to  one  another.  At  once 
I  remarked  to  my  wife,  "I  shall  have 
a  black  mark  on  my  forehead  by  to- 
morrow morning."  I  was  correct  in 
my  anticipation. — STARSSON  KNOX. 

SIR, — I  beg  to  offer  myself.  I 
am  a  student  of  the  astral.  Some 
weeks  ago  I  was  crossing  from  South- 
ampton to  Havre — it  was  midnight. 
As  I  counted  the  contents  of  my  purse 
on  deck,  a  sovereign  fell  from  my 
hand  into  the  sea.  I  observed  to  a 
friend  at  my  side,  "  I  do  not  suppose  I 
shall  ever  see  that  sovereign  again." 
I  had  no  intention  of  saying  anything 
remarkable  at  the  time,  but — believe 
me  or  not  as  you  like — the  fact 
remains  that,  though  it  is  nine  weeks 
since  I  uttered  my  prognostication,  it 
still  remains  as  prophetically  true  as 
when  I  made  it. — GALILEO  JONES. 


APRIL  19,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


2)3 


Till;   COMPOSER   HEAK.S   A   BUY   WHISTLING   A   SELECTION   FBOM 
ONE  OF   HIS  OPERAS. 


THE   CROWN    OF   MERIT. 


THE   PAINTER  SEES  HIS  MASTERPIECE   BEPRODITCED   BV   A 
PAVEMENT  AKTIST. 


THE  OFFICE  BOUNCING  BALL. 

DEAB  MB.  PUNCH, — You  have  often 
heard  the  oiu  cry,  "  What  shall  we  do 
with  our  daughters?"  haven't  you? 
But  what  I  want  to  know  is,  "  What 
shall  we  do  with  our  fathers  ?  "  Can 
nothing  be  done  to  make  them  pay 
more  attention  to  their  work  and  less 
to  their  play  ?  I'm  speaking  of  stout 
middle-aged  gentlemen  in  general  and 
papa  in  particular,  who,  instead  of 
giving  up  his  mind  to  his  business  and 
supporting  his  wife  and  daughter  as 
he  ought  to  (particularly  his  daughter), 
spends  Saturday  to  Monday  playing 
golf,  and  Monday  to  Saturday  worrying 
over  his  handicap.  Then  he  says, 
"  Business  isn't  what  it  used  to  be ;" 
and  when  I  asked  him  for  a  new  frock 
yesterday  he  declared  he  could  hardly 
make  enough  to  go  round  as  it  was, 
though  it  takes  little  enough  to  go 
round  me,  nowadays,  in  all  con- 
science. Las;  night  he  woke  Mamma 
up  by  shouting  to  her  in  his  sleep  "to 
get  off  the  green,  or  did  she  think  she 
was  going  to  stop  there  all  day?" 
Poor  dear  Mummy  said  she  felt  almost 
too  disgusted  to  tell  him  what  she 
thought  of  him,  but  made  herself  do  it 
for  the  sake  of  the  children. 

But  there 's  worse  to  come.  After 
he  'd  gone  to  business  this  morning  we 
saw  an  article  in  the  paper  by  an 


eminent  nerve  -  specialist  advocating 
bouncing  ball  games  in  City  offices 
as  a  relaxation  for  the  nerve-strain 
of  brain-workers.  "  Well,"  as  Mamma 
said,  "  if  they  "re  going  to  start  that, 
we  may  as  well  go  to  the  workhouse 
at  once."  So  we  burnt  the  paper. 

However,  about  an  hour  later  I 
heard  my  little  nephew,  who  is  staying 
with  us,  howling  dismally  in  the  nursery 
because  he  couldn't  find  the  bouncing 
ball  he  had  bought  yesterday  with  his 
own  money.  I  was  just  looking  for  it 
when  his  nurse  came  in  and  said  that 
she  had  seen  his  grandpapa  slip  the 
ball  in  his  great-coat  pocket  as  he  was 
starting  to  the  City.  Dear  Mr.  Punch, 
is  there  nothing  to  be  done  to  stop  this 
middle-aged  madness?  I  don't  know 
much  about  your  family  affairs,  but  I 
believe  you  are  a  father  yourself;  but 
don't  let  that  prejudice  you  in  Papa's 
favour.  In  any  case  I  enclose  my 
photograph,  and  hope  you  will  be  on 
my  side.  Yours  sincerely, 

GOLF  ORPHAN. 


"German  Gentleman  wishes  to  exchange  con- 
versation with  English  Person." — Advt.  in 
"Daily  Telegraph." 

Person  yourself. 


The  Modern  Xerxes. 
"Dr.   Rouse  admitted  caning  the  bay." — 
Westminster  Gazette, 


PERFECTION'S  PKICE. 

["Tea,  the  most  perfect  the  world  produces 
.  .  .  per  cup  2d.  — From  the  bill  of  fare  at 
certain  well-known  tea-shops.] 

I  HAVE  been  paying  bills ;  upon  my  brow 
You   may   observe   there   shines    a 

virtuous  halo, 

Yet  virtue  has  its  own  defects,  for  now 
My  funds  have  fallen,  I  regret  to  say, 

low: 
This  stream  of  gold  turneJ  to  unusual 

channels 
Affects  my  pass-book's  short  and  simple 

annals. 

Just  now  no   solace   can   my  custom 

bring 

To  Madame  Clicquot  in  her  sad  be- 
reavement ; 

On  humbler  beverages  I  must  sing 
The  fame  of  my  exemplary  achieve- 
ment, 

Nor  seek  to  celebrate  this  day  of  gala 
Even  in  just  a  pint  of  sound  Marsala. 

But,  though  your  poet,  coming  down 

a  peg. 

To   altered  circs,  may  feelingly  al- 
lude, he 
Is  fortunately  not  constrained  to  beg 

While  he  can  conjure  up  a  nimble  <2d., 
And  quaff,  to  stimulate  the  gastric 

juices, 

"  Tea,  the  most  perfect  that  the  world 
produces." 


294 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  19,  1911. 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

IN  The  Patrician  (HEINEMANN),  Mr.  JOHN  GALSWORTHY 
has  made  an  admirable  study  of  an  ancient  and  honourable 
house,  lavish  of  service  to  the  state  according  to  the 
traditions  of  its  class,  and  now  just  beginning  to  be  made 
uncomfortably  aware  of  the  existence  of  democracy.  He 
is  less  happy  with  the  characters  that  intrude  upon  the 
ordered  serenity  of  its  preserves.  Mrs.  Noel,  who  so 
nearly  ruins  the  career  of  the  eldest  son,  is  never  quite 
realisable.  She  is  so  content  to  be  described  by  the  author 
that  she  scarcely  opens  her  lips  lest  she  should  disturb  the 
effect  by  saying  the  wrong  thing.  Charles  Courtier  too, 
whose  Radical  tastes  are  tempered  by  birth  and  education 
and  a  large  experience  of  men  and  wild  beasts,  is  a  rather 
shadowy  figure,  and  we  have  to  gauge  his  attractions  by 
inference  drawn  from  the  woman  whose  heart  he  might  have 
had  for  the  asking.  Worse  still,  we  have  only  one  person's 
evidence  of  the  lov- 
ableness  of  the  pro- 
tagonist. Absorbed 
in  himself  and  in 
the  struggle  that  di- 
vides his  heart  be- 
tween a  secret  pas- 
sion and  the  claims 
of  his  career,  he 
hardly  says  a  gentle 
word  from  first  to 
last.  But  the  hu- 
man charm  of  his 
sister,  that  lovely 
Dian,  Lady  Bobs, 
makes  irresistible 
amends  for  all. 

As  in  his  Frater- 
nity, if  the  author 
had  here  any  parti- 
cular problem  to 
solve,  which  I  doubt, 
he  has  left  it  where 
it  was.  He  is  satis- 
fied to  make  a  very  readable  story  out  of  types  rightly 
observed  or  created,  as  he  did  in  The  Country  House. 
Some  of  his  minor  characters  are  most  appealing,  notably 
the  staunch  old  Lady  Casterley,  who  brings  the  manner  of 
an  earlier  generation  to  the  stubborn  defence  of  her  caste. 
He  has  developed  a  fancy  for  elaborate  word-pictures,  and 
provided  himself  with  a  beautiful  moor,  always  handy,  like 
a  lay-figure.  All  the  same,  his  descriptions  are  touched 
with  true  feeling  and  imagination,  even  if  they  are  some- 
times worked  in  without  any  special  regard  to  their  proper 
object — the  illumination  of  the  human  interest  in  the  fore- 
ground. The  worst  of  it  is  that  his  sense  of  style  puts  the 
critic  sadly  out  of  heart  with  the  slipshod  stuff  of  to-day. 

In  The  Dweller  on  the  Threshold  (METHUEN)  Mr. 
HICHENS — and  his  admirers — are  to  be  congratulated  on 
his  escape  from  the  rather  unpleasant  motive  of  his  two 
previous  novels,  Barbary  Sheep  and  Bella  Donna.  He 
now  deals  with  a  case  of  transferred  will-power,  and 


trifles  like  food  and  clothes. 


to  discover  by  occult  means  whether  there  is  a  future 
life  or  not.  But  the  result  of  these  secret  seances  was 
not  at  all  what  the  rector  expected.  The  curate  had  only 
been  persuaded  by  the  rector's  assurances  that  the  sole 
object  of  the  sittings  was  to  communicate  to  the  weaker 
man  some  of  the  superfluous  will-power  of  his  superior,  and 
this  is  what  really  happened.  Gradually  the  curate 
gained  in  power  while  the  rector  lost;  but  the  latter, 
instead  of  becoming  an  admiring  cherub,  was  changed  into 
a  contemptible  worm.  There  is  a  Professor  who  helps  to 
unravel  the  mystery,  and  Mr.  HICHENS,  who  might  well 
improve  on  such  conventions,  pictures  him  as  a  sartorial 
freak.  Surely  it  is  time  that  Professors  in  fiction  ceased  to 
dress  as  if  their  supplementary  duty  in  life  were  toscare  cro  \vs. 

In  contrasting  the  comforts  of  the  American  and  British 
artisan  I  don't  think  any  of  our  statisticians  have  laid 
stress  on  that  fecundity  of  Homeric  metaphor  which  must 
be  a  far  more  valuable  possession  to  the  former  than  mere 

"  If  that  is  a  product  of  Pro- 
tection, then  give  me 
Tariff  Reform,"  say 
I .  Jim  Hands  (MAC- 
XIILLAN)  was  only 
the  foreman  of  a 
shoe-factory  in  New 
England,  but,  if  Mr. 
RICHARD  WASHBURN 
CHILD  is  to  be  trus- 
ted he  had  intel- 
lectual consolations 
which  would  make 
many  of  our  poets 
and  politicians  turn 
olive  with  envy. 
"Well,  Sir,"  says  he 
in  one  place,  "  if 
you've  ever  seen  a 
hen  sitting  on  the 
safety-valve  of  an 
eighty  -  ton  boiler 
when  she  blew  off 


CONSTERNATION  OF  TWO  BURGLARS  WHO,  HAVING  JUST  SERVED  TIME,  FIND  A  BEAUTIFUL 
MODERN  RESIDENCE  BUILT  UPON  THK  SPOT  WHERE  THEY  HAD  BURIED  THEIR  SWAG. 


pressure  you  ve  seen 
how  I  felt  after  I 
'  and  again  :  "  The 

other  members  of  the  troupe  looked  like  last  year's  birds- 
nests,  but  she  was  like  one  of  them  lace  valentines."  And 
yet  again  of  a  loud  cravat :  "  It  sounded  like  the  noise  you 


spoke  to  the  Doctor  that  Thursday ; 


make  when  you  hammer  iron  pipe." 
flowers  from  his  garland  of  similes. 


These  are  mere  random 
For  the  rest,  the  pathos 

of  Jim  Hands  is  extremely  homely,  and  the  mystification 
which  keeps  two  perfect  lovers  apart  almost  ridiculously 
trite  and  artificial.  Yet  it  is  one  of  those  books  which 
provoke  genuine  salt  from  the  eyes  of  the  reader  in  the 
places  where  '..he  author  has  laid  his  humour  aside.  There 
is  a  "  travelling  doctor  "  in  it  who  speaks  of  "  a  story  that 
is  all  wool,  a  yard  wide,  and  contains  no  shoddy  or  adultera- 
tion whatever ;"  and  Jim  Hands  might,  I  think,  respond, 
also  in  the  vernacular,  "I'm  the  goods." 

We  learn  from  The  World  that  the  "  Oxford  and 
Cambridge  boat  race  is  the  first  of  the  many  important 
events  of  the  Ranelagh  Club  Season."  We  are  glad  to  be 


although    he    has   handicapped    his   story   by"  excess   of 'able  to  give  the  further  information   that   the  Club  has 
explanation  it  should  intrigue  even  those  to  whom  any- ,  arranged  for  a  Coronation  to  bo  held  on  June  22nd,  but  no 


thing  of  the  nature  of  spiritualistic  phenomena  is  usually 
distasteful.  The  rector  of  a  fashionable  church  in  the 
West-end  succeeded,  by  a  ruse,  in  forcing  his  adoring 
and  cherubic  curate  to  join  with  him  in  an  attempt 


date  has  yet  been  fixed  by  the  Committee  for  their  next 


total  eclipse  of  the  sun. 
'Varsity   Crews   will 
disposal  of  the  Club. 


In  1912  it  is  hoped  that  the 
place  their  services    at    the 


APRIL  26,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OK   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


295 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIIKKK  are  some  persons  who  refuse 
to  look  upon  Mr.  ST.  MAUH  as  a  model 
in  tlio  matter  of  behaviour  to  the  Bench. 
"  May  the  difference  of  opinion  not 
divide  friendship,"  remarked  a  prisoner 
after  being  sentenced  by  the  magistrate 
at  the  Acton  Police  Court. 

Why,  asks  a  correspondent,  do 
certain  persons  call  themselves  the 
Mormon  Elders,  and  not  the  Brigham 

Youngers  ? 

• ,  '•• 

A  request  for  the  provision  of  sand 
plots  for  children  in  Hyde  Park  has 
boon  refused  by  the  First  Commissioner 
of  Works.  The  children,  we  hear,  are 
furious,  and  a  Votes  for  Children 
J  jt'iigue  is  to  .be  formed.  They  realise 
that  it  is  only  by  pressure  of  the 
franchise  that  one's  rights  can  be 
secured. 

*  •:•• 
* 

"In  golf,"  says  The  County  Gentle- 
man, "  we  have  probably  more  first-class 
players  than  all  the  rest  of  the  world 
put  together."  We  hope  that  this 
statement  will  be  well  circulated  in 
Germany,  where  people  are  apt  to  have 
a  good  conceit  of  themselves,  just 
because  that  country  happens  to  excel 
in  armaments. 

*  * 

Mr.  OSCAR  ASCHE  has  been  writing 
about  a  type  of  man  he  calls  "  The 
Vampire  Husband."  When  we  men- 
tion that,  according  to  Mr.  ASCHE,  the 
brute  will  not  take  his  wife  to  the 
theatre,  no  one  will  be  surprised  that 

Mr.  ASCHE  does  not  like  the  fellow. 

*  * 

* 
In  a  note  on  the  preparations  for  the 

Festival  of  Empire  at  the  Crystal 
Palace,  Hearth  and  Home  says  : — "  A 
scheme  has  been  devised  by  which  a 
cream-coloured  canvas  awning  will 
hang  gracefully  below  the  entire  length 
and  breadth  of  the  vast  glass  roof. 
This  valerian,  as  it  is  called  ..." 
Wo  fancy  we  smell  a  mistake  here. 
Anyhow,  we  should  say  that  the  odour 
of  a  velarium  would  be  more  pleasant. 

*  :|: 

We  shall  be  interested  to  see  whether 
the  cause  of  decreasing  attendance  at 
church  has  at  last  been  discovered. 
Tho  Eev.  F.  A.  Adams,  Eector  of 
Doddinghurst,  has  invented  an  arrange- 
ment of  wire  clips  to  be  fixed  beneath 
the  seats,  which  will  take  a  silk  hat 
and  prevent  its  getting  ruffled. 

Children  are  delighted  to  hear  of 
the  proposed  establishment  of  an  Oil 
Exchange.  What  to  do  with  their 
cod  liver  oil  has  been  a  problem  which 
has  hitherto  baffled  many  of  them. 

VOL.  cxt. 


(DURING  THE  CORONATION  FESTIVITIES  THE  KINO,  WE  UNDERSTAND,  WILL  RECEIVE 
OLD  VOLUNTEER  OFFICERS  WHO  JOINED  THE  IORCE  SOT  LATER  THAN  1860.  THOSE  WHO 
POSSESS  UNIFORMS  OF  THAT  DATE  MAY  WEAR  THEM.) 

MR.  PVXCH  WOULD  BE  THE  LAST  PERSON  TO  RIDICULE  THESE  GALLANT  VETERANS,  BUT 
HE  HOPI8  THAT  THIS  GRACIOUS  PERMISSION  IS  REGARD  TO  UNIFORMS  MAY  BE  CSED  WITH 
DISCRETION. 


"If,"  says  a  correspondent  in    The] 
Express,  "  at  frequent  intervals  along 
the    routes    of    processions    bands  — 
amateur  or  otherwise — were  placed  to ' 
play  during  the  long  waits,  the  ambu- 
lance corps    would    not    be  needed." 
We    gather  that  this   correspondent's 
experience  of  amateur  bands  must  be 
somewhat  restricted. 

A  painting  by  MURILLO  has  been  sold 
in  Spain  for  two  shillings.    The  outlook 


for  modern  art  was  never  very  bright, 
but  if  the  Old  Masters  are  going  to 
take  to  undercutting  like  this  ! 

Whatever  women  may  say  about  us 
men,  we  certainly  are  not  "catty,"  or 
jealous  of  one  another's  good  looks. 
We  had  a  pretty  example  of  this  the 
other  day,  when  the  Vicar  of  Stroud 
Green,  in  referring  at  a  vestry  meeting 
to  his  successor,  said,  "  He  is  young, 
and  his  hair  is  curly." 


290 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  26,  1911. 


A    HOLIDAY    GAMBLE. 

"  How  fair  this  Eastertide !  "  I  said, 

"  How  sweet  to  watch  young  April  try  on 

Her  vernal  suitings,  with  the  thread 

Of  faint  greon  woven,  having  shed 

The  hides  of  March,  that  horrid  roaring  lion  I 

"  To  hear  the  blithe  birds  do  their  sums, 
Counting  their  Easter  eggs  together; 

To  note  the  lambs  with  toothless  gums 

Bleating  to  their  respective  mums 
In  this  extremely  seasonable  weather ! 

"  What  child  to-day  but  owns  the  need 

To  find  an  exit  for  his  feelings  ? 
To  follow  Nature's  timely  lead 
And  gambol  on  the  luscious  mead 

Bending  the  welkin  with  his  liquid  pealingo '! 

"  What  youth  but  feels  the  Spring  diffuse 

A  passion  in  his  veins  to  buy  her 
A  nosegay  for  her  fancy  blouse 
And  illustrate  his  amorous  views 

By  swapping  headgear  with  his  chaste  Marier? 

. "  Or  what  adult  'neath  such  a  sun, 

In  all'  so  balmy,  so  caressing, 
But  wants  his  feet  once  more  to  run 
By  primrose  ways —       "  I  don't,  for  one," 
Eeplied  the  party  I  was  just  addressing. 

Said  he,  "  Let  others  romp  about, 

But  as  for  me,  remaining  placid 
I  shall  forgo  this  giddy  rout 
Largely  because  I  have  the  gout,  • 

Due,  it  appears,  to  crystallizing  acid." 

"  You  have  perchance  "  ('twas  thus  I  spake) 

"  Mislaid  the  necessary  buoyance  ; 
But  though  you  may  be  old  and  ache 
Yet  you  can  indirectly  take 

A  hearty  pleasure  in  the  general  joyanco. 

"  Thus,  on  your  speaking  face  I  see 

A  rapture ;  ah  !  beatus  ille 
Who  tastes  an  altruistic  glee ! " 
"  Nay,'  there  you  do  me  wrong  !  "  said  he  ; 

"  The  joys  of  others  leave  me  passing  chilly. 

"  Humanity  to  me  is  naught — 

Mere  streams  of  railway-tripping  atoms  ; 
But  this  fair  Eastertide  has  wrought 
Bliss  in  my  breast  because  I  've  bought 

An  option  for  the  rise  in  Little  Chathams."  * 

O.  S. 

*  The  author  is  glad  to  siy  that,  up  to  the  time  of  going  to  pres° 
little  or  no  immediate  profit  seemed  likely  to  accrue  from  this  heartless 
speculation. 

"Passenger  flights,"  says  a  Brooklands  advertisement, 
"  can  be  arranged  on  the  ground."     It  sounds  safest. 


"  Mr.  J.  Kicolson  appeared  for  the  despondent."— Natal  Mercury. 
We  trust  that  the  mental  depression  of  his  client  or  clients 
had  nothing  to  do  with  the  quality  of  Mr.  NICOLSON'S  defence. 


'  Sire-splitting  comedy  is  interwoven  into  the  play. "—  Tyldesley  Journal. 

This  may  do   for   the  provinces,  but  in  London  one  can 
never  raise  a  laugh  nowadays  by  splitting  one's  father. 


MORE    MANNERS   FROM    OREGON. 

SOME  weeks  ago  I  ventured,  for  the  benefit  of  the  curious, 
to  set  out  the  views  of  Miss  PKUDENCE  STANDISH  (of  Port- 
land, Oregon)  on  the  important  subject  of  table  manners. 
These  views,  it  may  be  remembered,  had  been  contributed 
in  the  form  of  an  article  to  the  columns  of  The  Oregonian, 
of  Portland.  Did  I  describe  them  as  being  bland,  passionate, 
and  deeply  religious  ?  I  cannot  remember ;  but  if  I  did  not 
I  now  repair  the  omission.  They  are  all  that  and  a  good 
deal  more. 


I  had  imagined  that  this  high-toned  discussion  of  spoons 
forks,  soups,  vegetables  and  napkins  was,  if  I  may  say  so,  a 
solitary  burst  on  the  part  of  PRUDENCE  ;  that  she  had  brooded 
J  long  over  the  dreadful  spectacle  of  napkins  tucked  into 
'  collars  or  waistcoats  as  soup-guards  and  sauce-diverter-s 
and  had  then,  once  and  for  all,  rushed  into  print  to  correct, 
to  stimulate,  to  exhort  and  to  convert.  I  was  mistaken. 
A  friendly  correspondent,  dating  from  Portland,  now  informs 
me — I  use  his  own  somewhat  disrespectful  words — that 
"  one  of  the  leading  features  in  the  Sunday  papers  of  Port- 
land is  a  weekly  effusion  by  PBUDENCE  STANDISH  ;  "  and  to 
prove  what  he  says  he  encloses  a  cutting  from  The  Sunday 
Oregonian  of  March  5th,  of  which  more  than  a  column  is 
taken  up  with  "Etiquette  for  tlie  'Engaged  Person,"  by 
PKUDENCE  STANDISH. 

I  feel  that  I  must  enter  a  preliminary  objection.  How  can 
there  be  any  etiquette  for  engaged  persons  ?  Before  their 
engagement  they  may  have  been  strict  observers  of  every 
article  of  the  social  code.  When  their  engagement  is  past 
they  will,  no  doubt,  revert  to  an  attitude  of  well-disciplined 
submission.  But  during  the  engagement  surely  all  the 
petty  restrictions  are  thrown  aside.  PRUDENCE  may  have 
a  larger  experience  than  any  I  can  pretend  to  ;  hut  1  must 
state  my  opinion  that  etiquette  and  engagement  are  mutu- 
ally destructive  terms,  and  no  one  has  a  right  to  bring 
them,  as  PRUDENCE  has  done,  into  the  same  title. 


No  doubt  there  are  certain  great  principles  which  may 
be  gathered  from  the  action  of  all  engaged  persons.  For 
instance,  they  believe  that  the  whole  of  the  world  outside 
themselves  is  leagued  together  to  spy  upon  them  and 
obstruct  them,  whereas,  as  a  matter  of  cold  fact,  the 
outside  world  considers  them  a  nuisance  and  wants  to  see 
as  little  as  may  be  of  them.  Then  again,  having  developed 
a  strange  liking  for  such  remote  and  inaccessible  places  as 
drawing-rooms  or  summer-houses  or  country  lanes,  they 
are  furious  with  housemaids  or  butlers  or  gardeners  or 
postmen,  upon  whose  observation  they  may  have  thrust 
themselves.  And  finally  they  imagine  that  the  assumption 
of  an  air  of  foolish  detachment  will  prevent  everybody 
from  drawing  inferences  from  wildly  ruffled  hair  and  a 
necktie  which  has  got  itself  tucked  away  under  one  ear. 
But  this  is  not  etiquette.  Far  from  it. 

Neither  is  this  what  PRUDENCE  means.  She  has  received 
(at  any  rate  she  declares  in  print  that  she  has  received)  the 
following  letter  from  a  Southern  girl: — "I  have  just  be- 
come engaged  to  a  young  man  I  have  known  three  years 
and  will  be  married  " — evidently  a  most  determined  young 
woman — "next  October.  It  is  the  only  love  of  my  life, 
and  I  reckon  I  am  pretty  foolish  sometimes  and  rude  with 
friends  and  all  that.  How  ought  engaged  people  to  behave 
generally?  I  am  very  ignorant  and  just  eighteen." 

Upon  this,  PRUDENCE  observes  that  "  the  very  fact  that 
an  engaged  girl  is  so  young  as  this — eighteen — should 
make  her  more  careful  to  observe  the  niceties  of  conduct," 


PUNCH,   OK  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— APRIL  26,  1911. 


CALLING   OUT   THE  EESEEVE   CUVEE. 

GOOSEBERRY.  "AHA!      THIS    OUGHT    TO    BE    MY    RECORD    YEAR  1      SEE    ME    SPARKLE!" 


20.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK   LONDON  CHABIVABL 


299 


t\'.  j'^'      -jg    I!       If 


Ruth  (to  parent  who  has  just  become  a  father  for  the  fifth  time).  "Oir,  DADDY,  AIN'T  I  A  LUCKY  GIRL?    FANCY!    A  POACHED  100 

FOIl   BREAKFAST  AND  A   NEW    BABY    BROTHER   BOTH   OM   THE  SAME  DAY  !  I " 


and  so  she  launches  out  upon  her  column  of  advice,  in  the 
course  of  which  she  explains  in  detail  how  a  Southern  girl 
ought  to  behave  to  her  acquaintances,  her  friends  and, 
above  all,  to  her  "fiano3" — this  dreadful  word  is  through- 
out printed  without  an  accent,  as  if  it  rhymed  to  dance  or 
chance  or  finance,  and  possessed  only  two  syllables,  instead 
of  the  three  that  convention  and  the  French  have  assigned 
to  it. 

•  My  own  advice  to  the  Southern  girl  would  be  very 
shortly  expressed.  I  should  say,. "  Don't  bother  too  much 
about  your  behaviour.  If  you  're  a  nice  girl — and  I  'm  sure 
you  are — you  '11  behave  all  right.  Your  friends  won't  ba 
offended  with  you.  They  know  you 're  slightly  mad.  They've 
all  been  slightly  mad  themselves,  or  they  hope  to  he  so  in 
the  future."  But  PRUDENCE  would  call  that  disgraceful 
flippancy.  She  says,  "  It  is  the  greatest  unwisdom  to  neglect 
friends  if  one  wishes  to  keep  them,  for  friendship  is  entirely 
a  thing  for  consideration,  kindness,  and  the  most  delicate 
courtesies.  As  an  exquisite  old  lady  of  my  acquaintance 
said  on  one  occasion,  '  Friendships  are  hard  to  make  and 
very  easy  to  lose.'  "  Upon  my  word,  one  need  not  be  either 
exquisite  or  old  to  commit  such  a  platitude  as  that — and, 
like  most  platitudes,  it  isn't  even  true. 


tyrannize  over  hers  .  .  .  The  exacting  lover,  remember, 
is  pretty  apt  to  make  a  stern  and  disagreeable  husband." 
He 's  every  bit  as  likely  to  be  a  meek  and  henpecked  one. 


"  The  girl  must  see  all  the  girls,  once  so  much  to  her,  in 
the  usual  way,  and  not  be  merely  content  to  sit  and  moon 
alone  with  her  fianca.  She  must  give  him  his  own  chance 
to  see  his  masculine  chums  whenever  the  mood  comes  upon 
him  for  their  society,  and  must  not  monopolize  his  move- 
ments until  he  feels  for  the  briefest  moment  like  kicking 
over  the  traces.  She  must  certainly  see  that  he  does  not 


"  As  to  the  small  material  things  the  usual  engaged  girl 
thinks  necessary  to  her  happiness  as  the  true  sign  of  her 
fiance's  affection — the  flowers  and  candy  and  weekly 
amusement  he  offers — they  represent  a  definite  danger  to 
both  parties.  The  sensible  man  in  love  gives  all  In  can 
afford,  and  very  rarely  anything  over ;  but  there  are  poor 
silly  lads  who  do  the  other  thing,  buy  presents  and  buy 
presents  until,  as  a  dear  boy  said  to  me  once,  '  there  is 
nothing  left  to  buy  them  with.' "  I  fancy  this  dear  boy 
must  have  been  old  and  exquisite  too. 


And  so  good-bye  once  more  to  PRUDENCE.  I  have  no 
room  for  further  extracts  from  her  book  of  exquisite  old 
wisdom.  In  her  amiable  Oregonian  manner  she  is  doing 
what  the  great  American  poetess,  ELLA  WHEELEB  WILCOX, 
once  did  in  a  more  universal  style  in  a  book  which  it  was 
my  fortune  to  read.  As  Colonel  Newcome  put  it  (I  quote 
from  memory),  emoltuni  mores  nee  sinuisse  feros. 


A  woman  explorer  as  reported  in  The  Daily  Mirror : — 
"I  found  the  Belgian  officials  very  kind  everywhere.       I  was  given  s 

special  permit  to  shoot  e'.ephints,   and  used  it.      I   kil'.e  1  a   hippo- 

(Kitamus. " 

Not  a  good  shot. 

"Strayed,  firm  Mutton  Hall,  Killington,  B'.ackfacei  Ewe. "— Adrt. 
in  "  Westmoreland  Gazette." 

No  doubt  the  address  struck  her  as  ill-omened. 


300 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  26,  1911. 


TO  STOP  ELtCTKIC 
wHE-N 


CAB  OB.  POLICE 

V/H  I5TUP 


THE  IDEAL  PUBLIC  UTILITY  LAMP-POST. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

SPADE-WORK  AND  OTHEK  DIVERSIONS. 

Park  Lane. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE. — The  new  cure 
for  everything  is  to  dig  I — et,  par  con- 
sequent, we  're  all  digging.  We  not 
only  call  a  spade  a  spade ;  we  catch 
hold  of  it  and  use  it  as  such.  Dear 
Sir  William  Kiddem,  who  's  better  than 
all  the  rest  of  Harley  Street  put  to- 
gether, says  it 's  the  cure  for  indy,  and 
nerves,  and  brain-fag,  and  all  those 
horrors  that  come  of  the  strenuous  life, 
and  that  it  calls  into  play  whole  heaps 
of  muscles  that  have  been  most  shamc- 


\fully  neglected,  and  sets  free  a  lot  of 
nerve-centres  and  fearful  things  of  that 
kind.  He  makes  us  dig  in  real  earnest, 
putting  a  footr>n  the  spade,  and  turning 
up  the  earth  in  style.  There 's  nothing 
like  it,  my  dear,  for  preserving  the 
figure  and  compleck,  and  those 
who  have  neither  dig  in  the  hope  cf 
unearthing  them.  "  Olga  "  is  showing 
some  simply  sweet  digging-suits,  the 
coat  fastening  with  little  silver  picks 
and  spades,  the  skirt  short  and  plain, 
high  boots,  gauntlet  gloves,  and  a  sorb 
of  coal-heaver's  hat  in  dark-grey  silk 
or  satin,  the  little  silver  picks  and 
spades  being  repeated  again  in  the 


hat-pins.  Any  afternoon  you  may  see 
the  old  dowagers  in  Borkgrave  Square, 
in  full  diggers'  rig-out,  going  over  to 
the  square  garden  (with  footmen  carry- 
ing their  spades  and  gauntlets),  and 
setting  to  work,  with  the  idea  of  digging 
up  their  far-away  youth !  Some  of  them 
shriek  whenever  they  turn  up  a  worm, 
— but  they  go  on  digging.  Lord  Berk- 
grave,  who  owns  all  that  part,  says 
they  're  spoiling  his  property,  and  that 
he'll  go  to  law  with  them, — but  they 
go  on  digging. 

I  hear  that  the  Bullyon-Boundermere 
people  had  a  week-end  party  down  at 
Bullyon  Towers  at  Easter,  and  one 
night  after  dinner  everybody  suddenly 
remembered  that  they  hadn't  done  any 
digging  that  day,  and  they  sent  for 
spades,  and  all  rushed  off  into  the 
^winter  gardens,  and  the  conservatories 
and  the  orangeries,  and  dug  everything 
up,  and  left  the  place  quite  ruinous,  and 
'those  poor  wretches,  the  B.-B.s  were 
trying  to  pretend  they  were  enjoying  it 
all! 

Fluffy  Thistledown  is  very  much 
down  on  her  luck  just  now.  I  drove 
round  there  one  afternoon  with  darling 
Pompom,  who  left  one  of  his  teeny- 
weeny  cards  on  Fluffy's  Pekingese  "  to 
enquire,"  the  poor  little  thingy-thing 
having  been  operated  on  for  appendy. 
Fluffy  sent  out  to  ask  me  to  come  in, 
and  I  found  her  in  the  dolefullest  of 
dismals,  howling  among  the  comfies 
and  cosies  of  a  couch  in  her  chatting  den . 

"What's  the  matter?"  I  asked. 
"  Is  little  Peky-peky  worse  ? ." 

"  Bother  little  Peky-peky  !  "  she 
sobbed  (only  she  used  a  shorter  word 
than  bother).  "  I  'm  the  wretchedest 
woman  on  earth  !  " 

"Don't  speak  of  yourself  as  if  you 
were  an  East-end  drama  at  popular 
prices,  my  dear,"  I  said.  "  What 's 
the  matter  ?  " 

"  Blanche !  Dulcie  and  Westshire 
have  a  boy — and  I  'm  a — -I  'm  a — I  'm 
— I  can't  say  it !  " 

"Oh,  you  poor  dear!"  I  cried.  "I 
see — you're  a  granny !  "  and  she  fairly 
shrieked  among  the  downies,  "  I  mar- 
ried her  off,  because  I  didn't  want  a 
grown-up  daughter  with  me  every- 
where, and  this  is  her  revenge !  After 
such  a  lovely  autumn  and  winter  up 
the  Nile — to  come  back  to  this !  All 
day  cruel  wretches  have  been  ringing 
me  up  for  congrats,  and  sending 
messages  and  telegrams — and  I've  had 
to  answer — and  pretend  I'm  in  the 
seventh  heaven;— but  with  you  the 
mask  is  off — and  you  find  me,  dearest, 
try-try-trying  to  de-de-cide  whether. I 
I  '11  take  cyanide  of  something — or 
put  a  hatpin  through  my  heart ! — I've 
brought  a  heap  of  frocks  and  hats  from 
Paris — that  were  a  sheer  delight  to 


APBIL  26.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


301 


/ 


Football  Enthusiast.    "1'A.SS   OUT  TO  Till    \M.\U,    SONNY!      YOU'LL   XKVEl:   GET   IT    l:V    HIM.'* 


me — and  now,  where 's  the  good  of 
them  ? — They're — they're  —  granny's 
frocks  and  hats!  Freddy  won't  love 
ma  any  longer — and  Lulu  will  never 
call  me  his  little  Dresden  -  china 
shepherdess  again !  And,  oh,  Blanche ! 
Thistledown's  been  such  a  brute 
about  it!  He  says  we're  fo — fo — 
fogeys  now — and  that  I'm  not  to  be 
called  Fluffy  any  more — but  by  my 
horrible  baptismal  name — Ja — Ja — 
Ja — Jane !  You  lucky  creature  1  you  've 
no  children  to  grow  up  and  serve  you 
this  trick  by-and-by — while  you  still 
look  qui —  qui —  quite  young — to  make 
you  a  gug-gug-gug-gug-grandmother!" 

Just  then  she  was  rung  up  again,  and 
as  I  went  away  I  heard  her  stifling  her 
sobs  and  answering  more  Congrats 
with  "  Thanks  awf'ly  I  Isn't  it  per- 
fectly lovely  news ! " 

People  arc  wondering  about  the  sud- 
den reconciliation  of  Billy  St.  Adrian 
and  his  father,  who  've  been  at  daggers 
drawn  for  ages.  Would  you  like  to 
know  the  true  inwardness  of  the  matter, 
my  dear  ?  Well,  sp  you  shall. 

Sir  Richard  St.  Adrian,  though 
(according  to  the  newspapers  of  his  own 


way  of  thinking)  "  a  statesman  of 
colossal  ideals  and  magnificent  grip," 
has  never  been  able  to  do  anything 
with  Billy,  who's  always  been  what 
people  used  to  call  "a  trouble  at 
home  "  (now  -  a  -  days  they  call  it 
"having  a  temperament.")  Ever 
and  ever  so  many  times  he's  touched 
old  Sir  Eichard  for  big  sums  of 
money  and  tried  different  things 
that  have  always  turned  out  failures. 
Then  he  has  come  back  for  more. 
(Norty  says  that  at  Eton  the  three 
St.  Adrian  boys  were  called  after 
the  three  divisions  of  Arabia :— Dick 
was  Happy  St.  Adrian,  because  he  was 
the  heir;  Jack,  who's  very  fair,  was 
Sandy  St.  Adrian ;  and  Billy  was 
Stoney  St.  Adrian,  and  has  been  so  ever 
since).  Last  time  he  came  for  money, 
the  old  man  went  into  a  rage,  said  it 
was  the  limit,  and  that  he  washed 
his  hands  of  him.  For  quite  a  long 
time  after  this  Billy  made  himself 
scarce,  and  people  wondered  what  had 
become  of  him  and  what  his  latest 
venture  was.  My  dear,  it  was  this  : 
disguising  himself,  and  taking  the  pro- 
fessional name  "  Dr.  Hymen,"  ha 


started  a  Marriage  Bureau  in  Bond 
Street,  on  rather  new  lines,  and  for 
a  time  made  it  a  succts  foil  !  The 
foe  for  consulting  ""  Dr.  Hymen " 
was  ten  guineas,  and  he  had  a  little 
salon  in  connection  with  the  bureau, 
where  he  gave  weekly  teas,  at  which 
would-be  bridegrooms  could  meet 
would-be  brides.  Heaps  and  heaps 
of  people,  without  the  least  suspicion 
as  to  who  "  Dr.  Hymen  "  really  was, 
went  there  just  for  fun  and  with  no 
matrimonial  intentions.  But  at  last 
poor  Billy's  luck  began  to  peter  out 
as  usual,  and  just  as  he  was  won- 
dering how  he  was  to  pay  his  rent, 
"  Dr.  Hymen  "  got  a  private  and  con- 
fidential letter  from  "  an  elderly  gentle- 
man, some  years  a  widower,  and 
anxious  to  meet  a  lady,  young,  loving 
and  handsome,  with  a  view  to  matri- 
mony," making  an  appointment  for  a 
consultation.  At  the  discreet  hour  of 
dusk  the  new  client  arrived  on  foot, 
and  "Dr.  Hymen,"  all  ready,  with  his 
silvery  locks  and  beard,  and  his  long 
flowing  robes,  presently  found  himself, 
in  his  dimly  lit  consulting  room,  Ute- 
A-ttte  with— his  father!  Whether  old 


302 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[ArniL  26,  1911. 


Sir  Richard  really  was  looking  for  £ 
second  wife,  or  merely  for  line  plaisant 
acL'nturc,  will  remain  as  great  a  mysterj 
as  the  Letters  of  the  Man  in  the  Iroi 
Mii^k.  Billy  didn't  give  the  shov 
away  at  once;  he  played  his  fisl 
for  a  time ;  and  then  he  said 
"You  're  looking  for  someone  young 
loving,  and  handsome.  Well,  Sir 
you're  now  in  the  company  o 
someone  who  is  young  and  loving — 
as  to  handsome,  that 's  a  matter  o 
opinion.  This  is  Billy,"  he  added 
shedding  his  disguise,  "  your  loving 
youngest  son,  into  whose  hands  you  'vi 
delivered  yourself  up,  and  whose  prici 
for  not  handing  you  over  to  the  tende 
mercies  of  your  admiring  public,  you: 
dearest  friends  and  enemies,  and  th< 
halfpenny  press,  is  that  you  overlool 
the  past  and  finance  him  once  more  1 ' 

And  that,  my  dear,  you  may  believi 
me,  is  the  real  secret  of  Sir  Richard's 
reconciliatien  with  bis  'youngest  son 
of  their  immensely  amicable  relations 
and  of  Billy's  flourishing  circs  just  now 

Norty  has  a  suggestion  that  he  means 
to  lay  before  Parliament  as  soon  as  ever 
he  can  get  a  chance.  He  's  going  to 
propose  that  snappy,  impressionist 
short  stories  shall  be  bound  in  with  the 
parliamentary  blue  books  and  white 
books,1  'Numbers  of  Members  have  saic 
th«y, 'll'sopport  the  measure,  and  would 
he  dttlytbo  glad  to  have  bright,  amusing 
:fi<5tion  mixed  in  with  the  other  kind 
Oh,  my  dearest,  I  must  tell  you  a  thing 
he  said  the  other  evening  at  Popsy,  Lady 
Ramsgate's  big  dance.  Some  bore  re 
marked  to  him  :  "  This  is  a  fine  Adare 
ball-room."  "Yes,"  replied  Norty. 
"  and  how  well  some  of  the  women  play 
up  to  it !"  Ever  thine, 

BLANCHE. 

a 

THE    PORTUGUESE    CIGAR. 

EVERYTHING  promised  well  for  my 
week-end  with  Charles.  The  weather 
was  warm  and  sunny,  I  was  bringing 
iiy  golf  clubs  down  with  me,  and  I 
aad  just  discovered  (and  meant  to  put 
into  practice)  an  entirely  new  stance 
which  made  it  impossible  to  miss  the 
object  ball.  It  was  this  that  I  was 
explaining  to  Charles  and  his  wife  at 
dinner  on  Friday,  when  the  interruption 
occurred. 

"  By  the  way,"  said  Charles,  as  I  took 
out  a  cigarette,  "  I  've  got  a  cigar  for 
you.  Don't  smoke  that  thing." 

"  You  haven't  let  him  go  in  for 
cigars?"  I  said  reproachfully  to  Mrs. 
Charles.  I  can  be  very  firm  about 
other  people's  extravagances. 

"  This  is  one  I  picked  up  in  Portu- 
gal," explained  Charles.  "  You  can  get 
them  absurdly  cheap  out  there.  Let 's 
see,  dear ;  where  did  I  put  it  ?  " 


"  I  saw  it  on  your  dressing-table  last 
week,"  said  his  wife,  getting  up  to  leave 
us.  He  followed  her  out  and  went  in 
search  of  it,  while  I  waited  with  an 
interest  which  I  made  no  effoit  lo 
conceal.  I  had  never  heard  before  of 
man  going  all  the  way  to  Portugal  to 
buy  one  cigar  for  a  friend. 

"  Here  it  is,"  said  Charles,  coming  in 
again.     He  put  down  in  front  of  me  an 
ash-tray,  the    matches    and   a  —  anc 
well,     as    I     say,    a     cigar 


I 

examined  it  slowly.     Half  of  it  lookec 
very  tired. 

"  Well,    said  Charles,  "  what  do  you 
think  of  it  ?  " 

"  When  you  say  you — er — picked 
up  in  Portugal,"  I  began  carefully,  "  ] 
suppose    you    don't     mean —  1 


stopped  and  tried  to  bite  the  end  off. 

"  Have  a  knife,"  said  Charles. 

I  had  another  bite,  and  then  ] 
decided  to  be  frank. 

"  Why  did  you  pick  it  up?"  I  asked 

"The  fact  was,"  said  Charles,  "] 
found  myself  one  day  in  Lisbon  without 
my  pipe,  and  so  I  bought  that  thing ;  I 
never  smoke  them  in  the  ordinary  way.' 

"Did  you  smoke  this?"  I  asked 
It  was  obvious  that  something  had 
happened  to  it. 

"  No,  you  see,  I  found  some  cigarettes 
at  the  last  moment,  and  so,  knowing 
that  you  liked  cigars,  I  thought  I  "d 
bring  it  home  for  you." 

"It's  very  nice  of  you,  Charles. 
Of  course  I  can  see  that  it  has 
travelled.  Well,  we  must  do  what  we 
can  with  it." 

I  took  the  knife  and  started  chipping 
away  at  the  mahogany  end.  The  other 
end — the  brown-paper  end,  which  had 
comeungummed — I  intended  to  reserve 
for  the  match.  When  everything  was 
ready  I  applied  a  light,  leant  back  in 
my  chair,  and  pulled. 

That's  all  right,  isn't  it?"  said 
Charles.  "  And  you  'd  be  surprised  if 
I  told  you  what  I  paid  for  it." 

'No,  no,  you  mustn't  think  that," 

protested.  "Probably  things  are 
dearer  in  Portugal."  I  put  it  down  by 
my  plate  for  a  moment's  rest.  "  All 
I  've  got  against  it  at  present  is  that 
its  pores  don't  act  as  freely  as  thev 
should." 

"  I  've  got  a  cigar-cutter  somewhere, 

"No,  don't  bother,  I  think  I  can 
do  it  with  the  nut-crackers.  There  's 
no  doubt  it  was  a  good  cigar  once,  but 
it  hasn't  wintered  well." 

I  squeezed  it  as  hard  as  I  could,  lit 
t  again,  pressed  my  feet  against  the 
iable  and  pulled. 

"  Now  it 's  going,"  said  Charles. 

"  I  'm  afraid  it  keeps  very  reticent 
at  my  end.  The  follow-through  is 
poor.  Is  your  end  alight  still  ?  " 


"  Burning  beautifully." 
"  It 's  a  pity  that  I  should  be  missing 
all  that.  How  would  it  be  if  we  were 
to  make  a  knitting-needle  red-hot,  and 
bore  a  tunnel  from  this  end?  We 
might  establish  a  draught  that  way. 
Only  there 's  always  the  danger,  of 
course,  of  coming  out  at  the  side." 

I  took  the  cigar  up  and  put  it  to 
my  ear. 

"  I  can't  hear  anything  wrong,"  I 
said.  "  I  expect  what  it  really  wants 
is  massage." 

Charles  filled  his  pipe  again  and  got 
up.  "  Let 's  go  for  a  stroll,"  he  said. 
"  It 's  a  beautiful  night.  Bring  your 
cigar  with  you." 

"  It  may  prefer  the  open  air,"  I  said. 
"  There 's  always  that.  You  know  we 
mustn't  lose  sight  of  the  fact  that 
the  Portuguese  climate  is  different  from 
ours.  The  thing's  pores  may  have 
acted  more  readily  in  the  South.  On 
the  other  hand  the  unfastened  end  may 
have  been  more  adhesive.  I  gather 
that  though  you  have  never  actually 
met  anybody  who  has  smoked  a  cigar 
like  this  yet  you  understand  that  the 
experiment  is  a  practicable  one.  As 
far  as  you  know  this  had  no  brothers. 
No,  no,  Charles,  I  'm  going  on  with  it, 
but  I  should  like  to  know  all  that  you 
can  tell  me  of  its  parentage.  It  had  a 
Portuguese  father  and  an  American 
mother,  I  should  say,  and  there  has  been 
a  good  deal  of  trouble  in  the  family. 
One  moment" — and  as  we  went  out- 
side I  stopped  and  cracked  it  in  the 
door. 

It  was  an  inspiration.  At  the  very 
next  application  of  (he  match  I  found 
that  1  had  established  a  connection 
with  the  lighted  end.  Not  a  long  and 
steady  connection,  but  one  that  came 
in  gusts.  After  two  gusts  I  decided 
that  it  was  perhaps  safer  to  blow  from 
my  end,  and  for  a  little  while  we  had 
in  this  way  as  much  smoke  around  us  as 
the  most  fastidious  cigar-smoker  could 
want.  Then  I  accidentally  dropped  it ; 
something  in  the  middle  of  it  shifted,  I 
suppose — and  for  the  rest  of  my  stay 
behind  it  only  one  end  was  at  work. 

"  Well,"  said  Charles,  when  we  were  , 
back  in  the  smoking-room,  and  I  li 
was  giving  the  cigar  a  short  breather,  | 
"it's  not  a  bad  one,  is  it ?  " 

"  I  have  enjoyed  it,"  I  said  truth- 
fully, for  I  like  trying  to  get  the  mastery 
over  a  thing  that  defies  me. 

"  You  '11  never  guess  what  it  cost," 
he  chuckled. 

"  Tell  me,"  I  said.    "  I  daren't  guess." 

"  Well,  in  English  money  it  works 
out  at  exactly  three  farthings." 

I  looked  at  him  for  a  long  time  and 
ihen  shook  my  head  sadly. 

"Charles,  old  friend,"  I  said,  "  you  've 
jeen  done."  A.  A.  M. 


APKIL  iitt.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


303 


Mk* 

LIKE    TO    LIKE. 


WHAT    BECAME    OF    LADY 
TEAZLE  ? 

[A  correspondence  which  obviously  ought  to 
have  gone  to  The  Westiitittster  Gazette.] 

SIR, — It  has  often  struck  me  as  a 
great  pity  that  our  dramatists  do  not 
take  the  public  (by  whose  kindly 
support  they  live)  a  little  more  into 
their  confidence.  They  interest  us  (or 
not,  as  the  case  may  be)  in  their 
puppets;  the  curtain  falls,  and  we 
know  no  more.  A  little  leaflet  containing 
the  subsequent  history  of  those  who  are 
left  alive,  given  away  at  the  doors  as 
the  audience  pass  out,  would  do  all 
that  is  necessary.  To  circulate  it 
earlier  would  of  course  be  a  mistake,  as 
it  might  rob  the  play  of  some  of  the 
elements  of  surprise.  There  is  no 
doubt  that  we  are  entitled  to  a  full 
account  of  the  career  of  Nora  after 
she  has  slammed  the  door  at  the  end  of 
The  Doll's  House,  because  her  life  was 
really  only  then  beginning.  We  also 
want  more  information  about  Lady 
Teazle.  Any  of  your  readers  who  can 
tell  me  more  about  Lady  Teazle  will 
earn  my  deep  gratitude. 
Yours,  etc.,  JOHN  STODGE  HEARS. 

SIR, — Your  correspondent,  Mr.  Mears, 
asks  what  became  of  Lady  Teazle. 
There  is,  I  think,  very  little  doubt  that 
she  and  Sir  Peter  "  quarrelled  again." 
I  have  known  that  kind  of  woman  in 
real  life,  and  she  always  quarrels  again. 
Sir  Peter  probably  died  in  the  course 
of  a  few  years,  and  his  widow  married 
Joseph  Surface.  A  little  later  she 


divorced  him  and  settled  down  as  a 
paragon  of  virtue  at  Bath,  where  she 
died  at  an  advanced  age.  I  enclose 
my  card,  and  I  am 

Yours,  etc.,     ANGUS  STERLING. 

SIB, — It  pains  me  to  read  the  cynical 
letter  on  the  after-life  of  poor  Lady 
Teazle  which  Mr.  Sterling  sends  you. 
According  to  my  reading  of  her 
character,  Lady  Teazle  was  not  like 
that.  She  was  a  true  woman.  She 
had  been  a  little  flighty,  no  doubt,  but 
only  from  the  point  of  view  of  man. 
How  is  one  to  know  oneself  unless  one 
is  foolish  as  well  as  wise  ?  Are  women 
to  have  no  off-moments  ?  Are  they  to 
be  eternally  at  their  husbands'  sides 
and  obeying  their  husbands'  orders? 
The  whole  idea  is  obnoxious.  Lady 
Teazle,  directly  Sir  Peter  was  dead — 
as  he  soon  would  be,  for  he  ages  at  an 
incredible  speed  in  all  the  representa- 
tions of  the  play  that  I  have  seen— 
began  to  live  her  own  life.  Always  a 
believer  in  the  suffrage  for  women  she 
devoted  herself  and  Sir  Peter's  money 
to  the  cause,  dressed  entirely  in  green, 
purple  and  white,  and  spoke  at  public 
meetings.  She  also  refused  to  fill  up 
her  Census  paper.  That  is  how  I  read 
dear  Lady  Teazle. 

Yours,  etc.,    MAY  WINKLE. 

SIR, — In  my  opinion  Lady  Teazle 
was  a  woman,  a  truly  human  one, 
and  an  identity.  After  her  last  and 
final  row  with  Sir  Peter,  which 
quickly  came,  she  went  away  to  try 
and  learn  about  that  identity,  which 


was  herself.  Where  she  went,  what  she 
did,  we  don't  know.  But  a  woman  who 
would  face  the  world  alone  and  unaided 
as  she  did,  without  accepting  any  of  Sir 
Peter's  money,  would  not  be  likely  to 
fail.  Quite  possibly  she  took  up  type- 
writing. On  Sir  Peter's  death  she  mar- 
ried again,  became  a  lecturer  on  small 
holdings,  and  settled  at  the  Garden  City. 
Who  is  right,  your  correspondent  or  I, 
about  the  character  and  fate  of  Lady 
Teazle  ? 

Yours  truly,        JULIA  TUPMAN. 

SIR, — The  end  of  Lady  Teazle  was 
recently  revealed  to  me  by  a  crystal- 
gazer.  Determined  at  all  hazards  to 
assert  her  ego,  she  took  lessons  from 
a  French  aeronaut,  obtained  a  pilot's 
certificate,  and  was  the  first  woman  to 
cross  the  Channel  in  a  balloon.  She 
subsequently  converted  Sir  Peter  to 
Christian  Science,  adopted  a  rational 
dress,  and  died  a  vegetarian. 
Yours  faithfully, 

LEVESON  TILES,  M.A. 

SIR, — You  ask  what  became  of  Lad i/ 
Teazle.  I  will  tell  you.  At  the  fail 
of  the  curtain  she  went  to  her  dressing- 
room,  changed  and  washed,  and  had 
supper  at  the  Savoy.  The  next  day 
she  was  at  the  theatre  again  as  usual. 
Yours  etc.,  OLD  THESPIAN. 


"The  Inspector  twisted  one  of  his  long  red 
moustaches  and  smiled  a  little  grimly  at  the 
other." — C'asscll's  Magazine. 

Why  this  favouritism  ? 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[ArRiL  26,  1911. 


OUR   AMBULANCE   CLASS. 

Fair  Fir  si- Aider.  "I  SAT,  WHAT'S  TH«  POISON  *OB  WHICH  YOU  GIVE  AN  EPIDEMIC  1" 


FARMING  NOTES. 

(By  our  Agricultural  Expert.) 

ON  WHEAT. 

WHEAT  is  the  only .  thing  besides 
bulbs  that  you  may  talk  about  in 
the  country  at  this  time  of  year. 
There  is  an  old  saying  that  it  should 
be  high  enough  to  "hide  a  hare  in 
March."  This  is  very  true,  but  the 
farmer  scores  either  way.  In  one 
case  he  gets  the  wheat,  in  the  other 
he  gets  the  hare. 

ON  SOWING. 

Seed,  as  the  little  Irish  girl  said, 
should  be  sown  three  days  before 
steady  rain.  Be  very  careful  to  arrange 
for  this. 

ON  AGRICULTURAL  DEPRESSION. 

This  is  what  the  farmers  get  when 
it  rains,  or  it  doesn't  rain,  or  there's 
a  little  extra  work  to  do.  It  is  their 
custom  to  congregate  on  Saturday 
night  in  the  village  inn  to  try  to 
forget  it.  They  then  become  post- 
depressionists. 

ON  MANGOLD- WUBZELS. 
Most  farmers  stock  them  in  three 
sizes  at  least.      The  big  ones  for  the 
cows,  the  littler  ones  for  the  sheep, 


and  the  littlest  ones  for  the  children 
to  play  with. 

ON  EATS. 

An  evening  paper  recently  asserted 

that  the  numbers  of  these  could  be 

1  greatly  reduced  "  if  farmers  would  put 

wire   netting    round    their    fear/stacks 

when    they   threshed  them."      Don't 

scorn  these  agricultural  experts.    Try 

1  it  yourself  when  you  are  threshing  the 

|  turnip-tops. 

ON  BOARD  OF  AGRICULTURE 

INSPECTORS. 

They  are  good  fellows,  really.  They 
get  on  best  by  posing  as  scientists 
to  the  farmer,  and  as  farmers  to  the 
scientist. 

ON  POTATOES. 

These  are  of  two  kinds — bad  and 
good.  The  very  bad  ones  are  called 
"  chats "  because  they  really  do  talk 
a  lot. 

The  good  ones  are  eaten  by  the 
farmers,  and  the  bad  ones  by  the  farm 
animals,  except  in  Ireland,  where  the 
pigs  have  the  good  ones.  It  is  thought 
by  some  authorities  that  the  historic 
reply  of  the  cottager — "  Father 's  in  the 
pig-sty ;  you  '11  know  him  by  his 
hat " — has,  in  the  course  of  centuries, 
been  evolved,  by  careless  repetition, 


from  a  remark  which  originally  ran 
as  follows :  "  Father 's  in  the  pig-sty ; 
you  '11  know  him ;  he 's  eating  the 
bad  potatoes." 

ON   "  SUPEB." 

This  is  stuff  that  you  get  in  bags 
and  spread  on  the  ground. 

There  seems  some  doubt  as  to  the 
origin  of  the  name.  Is  it  not  possible 
that  it  may  be  derived  from  a  similar 
Latin  word  meaning  "  above  "  ?  This 
would  imply  that  it  should  be  put  on 
the  top  of  the  ground  and  not  on  the 
bottom. 

A  practical  farmer  once  told  me  of 
a  young  man  from  Cambridge  who 
called  it  CaH^CO^z,  but  he  very 
wisely  asked  him  to  move  on  to  the 
next  farm.  He  had  a  delicate  baby  and 
thought  it  might  be  infectious. 


"NEW  STEEEING  GEAE. 
INVENTION  THAT  WILL  EFFECT  A  REVOLUTION." 
Daily  Chroniclt. 

But  any  old  gear  will  do  this. 

"A  nearly  now  Turkey  Carpet  for  £6  10s. 
cost  double ;  lady  moving  into  larger  flat, 
measuring  Hft.  Gin.  by  9ft.  lOin." 

Advt.  in  " Highgate  Express." 

It  looks  as  if  her  last  lodging  had  been 
in  a  lift. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— APRIL  2G.  1911. 


THE  ET.  HON.  CALIGULA. 

PRIME    MINISTER.     "0    THAT     THIS     PEOPLE     HAD    BUT     ONE     NECK     THAT     I     MIGHT 
SEVER    IT    AT    A    BLOW;    WHEEEAS    IT    WILL    TAKE    ME    QUITE    HALF-A-DOZEN." 


1, .1 

at>  . 


APRIL  2G,  191 1.1 


PUNCH,    OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


307 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FUOM  THE  DlAKY  OK  ToBV,   M.I'.) 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  April 
18. — Whilst  Lords  still  make  holiday 
in  anticipation  of  hard  work  ahead, 
Commons  resume  sitting  after  so- 
called  Easter  Recess.  As  one  looked 
round  scantily  filled  Benches  when 
SPEAKER  took  the  Chair,  nothing  in 
appearance  suggested  that  we  are 
actually  in  midst  of  revolution.  Com- 
pare 1  with  methods  in  Mexico,  for 
example,  peaceful  condition  is  really 
monotonous.  Point  of  resemblance 
between  two  hemispheres  comes  in  in 
respect  of  occasional  shooting  over  the 
boundary  and  hitting  the  wrong  man 
— generally  in  the  back.  BANBURY, 
however,  was  the  right  man.  Up  again 
with  mitrailleuse  discharge  of  ques- 
tions about  procrastinated  payment  of 
income-tax  by  railways,  'was  himself 
bowled  over  by  shot  from  the  Chair. 

House  notes  with  marked  satisfac- 
tion that  the  SPEAKER'S  forbearance 
with  the  plague  of  Supplementary 
Questions,  marvellous  in  its  tenacity, 
has  at  length  broken  down.  Before 
adjournment  for  Eecess  he  addressed 
stern  reproof  to  one  of  the  most  per- 
sistent practitioners  of  this  clumsy  art. 
To-day  B ANBURY,  nipping  in  with  intent 
to  extend  shorter  catechism  which  had 
already  occupied  some  minutes  of 
limited  time,  was  brought  up  with 
what  on  board  ship  is  called  a  round 
turn.  Shifting  his  position  under  the 
coil  of  rope,  he  proposed  to  catechise 
the  SPEAKER  himself,  asking  whether 
he  had  not  said  so-and-so  on  earlier 
occasion  ? 

"  What  I  have  said  I  have  said," 
remarked  the  SPEAKER  in  warning 
voice. 

BANBURY  resumed  his  seat,  wondering 
where  he  had  heard  that  remark  before. 

Later  came  along  WINTERTON 
with  delightful  affectation  of  judicial 
manner  that  adds  charm  to  what 
Labour  Members,  jealous  custodians 
of  good  manners,  call  his  impertin- 
ences. Firing  shot  designed  to  bring 
down  PRIME  MINISTER  on  subject  of 
proposal  to  pay  Members,  he  hit  group 
below  Gangway. 

"The  object  of  the  Labour  Members," 
he  said,  in  soothing  voice  and  with 
bland  manner  suggestive  that  he 
was  inviting  them  to  high  tea  on  the 
Terrace,  "in  coming  to  this  House  is 
to  see  that  as  much  money  as  possible 
shall  be  taken  from  the  pockets  of  the 
taxpayers  and  put  into  the  pockets 
of  themselves  and  their  friends." 

CHAIRMAN,  amid  strident  cheers 
from  Labour  Party,  declared  the  charge 
not  a  proper  one  to  make. 

"  Charge  ?  "  cried  WINTERTON,  rais- 


ing eyebrows  in  unaffected  surprise. 
"  What  charge?" 

Thought  he  was  making  a  plain  state- 
ment ;  if  it  was  out  of  order  he  unre- 
servedly withdrew  it.  But  it  was  left 
to  rankle,  and  Labour  Members  growled 
resentment  in  fashion  suggestive  of 
lively  times  for  noble  Earl  if  at  any 
time  they  catch  him  up  their  street. 

Business  done. — Having  spent  two 
hours  in  discussing  whether  under 
pressure  of  business  Government  Bills 
shall  have  precedence  on  Wednesdays 
after  Whitsuntide,  House  got  into 
Committee  on  Parliament  Bill.  Kan- 
garoo Besolution  still  in  operation. 
CHAIRMAN  skipped  over  batches  of 
amendments  with  graceful  agility  not 


"His  memory  is  still  cherished  in  both 
camps." 

(Tl.e  late  Viscount  GOSCHK.N.) 

to  be  rivalled  by  his  brethren  in  far-off 
Australia.  Sat  till  after  4  A.M.  and 
passed  Clause  I. 

Wednesday  night.— "Been  reading  in 
Recess  ARTHUR  ELLIOT'S  Life  of 
Goschen ;  recalls  memories  going  back 
for  nearly  forty  years.  When  J  first 
knew  GOSCHEN  he  sat  on  Treasury 
Bench,  First  Lord  of  Admiralty,  fervent 
admirer  of  the  Chief  who,  recognising 
his  great  ability,  first  gave  him 
Ministerial  office.  He  lived  long 
enough  to  take  leading  part  in  the 
revolt  which  in  1886  shattered  the 
Liberal  Party  and  broke  the  spell  of 
GLADSTONE'S  long  predominance. 

Striking  but  appropriate  coincidence 
that  GOSCHEN  and  his  biographer  twice 
at  successive  crises  sacrificed  position 
for  conscience'  sake.  Both  broke  away 
from  Liberal  Party  on  Home  Rule 
question.  Having  crossed  floor  of 


House  both  again  went  into  Opposition 
on  question  of  Free  Trade. 

Nothing  permanently  barred  Go- 
SCHEN'S  progress.  Having  broken  witli 
MB.  G.  on  Home  Rule,  he,  "forgotten  " 
by  GRANDOLPH,  was  received  with  open 
arms  by  Conservative  Cabinet.  When 
DON  Jofiii  ran  up  Protectionist  flag 
from  Unionist  citadel,  GOSCHEN,  retired 
from  fighting  line,  his  helmet  now  a 
hive  for  bees,  took  field  again,  and 
proved  himself  as  redoubtable  a  com- 
batant of  DON  JOSE'S  fiscal  heresy  as 
he  had  been  in  the  case  of  MR.  G.'s 
political  mistake.  ARTHUR  ELLIOT, 
equally  impregnable  in  his  honesty, 
marching  step  by  step  with  GOSCHEN 
in  these  excursions,  by  the  first  suffered 
long  exile  from  Parliament ;  by  second 
loss  of  Ministerial  office  and  what  has 
to  present  date  been  exclusion  from 
Parliamentary  life.  Both  examples  are 
shining  lights  in  occasionally  mirk 
atmosphere  of  English  politics. 

Next  to  HAHTINGTON,  whom  he  much 
resembled,  and  with  whom  through 
his  public  life  he  always  sympathized, 
GOSCHEN  was  a  statesman  who  in 
unobtrusive  manner  most  largely  in- 
fluenced English  politics  in  the  period 
between  1885  and  1905.  In  one  of 
the  phrases  of  which  he  is  master, 
JOHN  MOHLEY,  writing  of  him  on  his 
quitting  the  live  arena  of  the  Commons 
for  tha  sepulchre  of  the  Lords,  de- 
scribes him  as  "  a  man  who  has  done 
so  much  to  keep  a  lofty  standard  both 
of  the  integrity  and  the  dignity  of 
public  life." 

Eleven  years  have  sped  since 
GOSCHEN  for  the  last  time  passed 
out  behind  the  SPEAKER'S  Chair.  His 
memory  is  still  cherished  in  both 
camps  as  that  of  a  fighting-man  who 
never  hit  below  the  belt. 

Business  done. — Army  Annual  Bill 
in  Committee. 

Thursday. — For  fully  six  years  there 
have  been  heard  in  caves  of  Liberal 
Party  murmurs  of  discontent  with  IXJRD 
CHANCELLOR'S  dealing  with  appoint- 
ments to  magisterial  bench.  Began 
whilst  C.-B.  was  still  with  us.  In 
earlier  months  of  his  Premiership  JOHN 
BRUNNER  led  into  his  room  behind 
SPEAKER'S  chair  a  band  of  angry 
Ministerialists  demanding  LOBEBURN'S 
head  on  a  charger. 

Situation  certainly  curious.  There 
was  a  sweet  simplicity  about  HALS- 
BURY'S  method  that  made  it  at  least 
comprehensible.  Honestly  believing 
that  no  good  could  come  out  of  the 
Nazareth  of  Liberalism  he  systemati- 
cally packed  the  magisterial  bench  with 
good  Conservatives.  From  time  to 
time  the  matter  was  brought  before 
notice  of  Commons.  Stout  HALSBUHY, 
aware  of  their  inability  practically 


308 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  26.  1911. 


to  interfere,  quietly  went  his  \va,y.  piece.  "  As  a  matter  of  fact,"  she 
Liberals,  returned  to  power  after  Ion,;  answered,  "  you  s-aid  nothing  at  all 
exile,  entirtaine.1  hope  in  their  circles  about  marrying.  1  don't  rucollect  your 


"  this  is  going  too  far.  Since  this  thing 
happened  to  mo,  I  have  so  altered  the 
course  of  my  whole  conduct  as  to  be 


m    town    and    country    that    matters  saying    anything   connected    or   intel- 1  ready  to  open  any  number  of  doors  at 

would    be   put   straight.      Recognised  ligible.     Besides,    we    aren't    married 'a  given  moment,  to  fetch  all  sorts  of 

that,    owing    to    long    prevalenc3    of  yet;  you  ara  only  my  fiance.    'Fianocr'  things  from  all  sorts  of  plaoas,  and  to 

HALSHURY  system,  the  balance  might  in  the  original  French  means  'to  im-  express  annoyance  in  new  and  wholly 

not  str.iightway   be   redressed.      Hut  prove   the  manners    of,'  or,    as   some  inadequate   language.      So  much  pos- 

gradually,    as    opportunity    presented  dictionaries  have  it,  '  to  cultivate  in —  sibly   you    had    a    right    to    demand, 

itself,   there  would  be  attained  some-  a  quieter  taste  in  socks.' "                         '  Beyond    that   I    have   heightened   my 

thing  approaching  equality  in  number  1  could  soe  that  she  was  leading  up  collars,  omitted  the  nails  from  my  shoes, 

>  something.    "  What  is  it  ?  "  I  asked, ;  and  altered  my  whole  scheme  of  external 


of  J.P.s  as  between  one  political  Party  to  i 


and  another. 

To  general  consternation 
discovery  was  made  that 
LOREUURN,  so  far  from  fol- 
lowing in  his  predecessor's 
footsteps  by  giving  pre- 
ference to  otherwise  suit- 
able and  desirable  members 
of  his  Party,  was  actually 
swelling  the  already  pre- 
dominant contingent  of 
Conservatives.  Matters  re- 
cently reached  crisis  .  in 
circumstanses  described  by 
NEIL  PRIMROSE  in  vigorous 
letter  addressed  to  LORD 
CHANCELLOR,  which,  since 
it  has  not  bean  replied  to, 
is  presumably  unanswer- 
able. To-day  matter-  for- 
mally brought  under  notice 
of  PREMIER  in  shape  of 
demand  for  early  oppor- 
tunity to. .have  the  matter 
fully  discussed.  A  numer- 
ically large  and  personally 
influential  division  of  Minis- 
terial majority  protest  their 
determination  to  be  satisfied 
with  nothing  less. 

Business  done.  —  Parlia- 
ment Bill  again  taken  in 
hand. 


|  miserably. 


'Out  with  it.     Is  it  my  decoration.     This  much  I  have  done  as 

— -an  act  of  grace.  Further, 
.  j  I  have  discarded  a  valuable 
and  stalwart  brand  of  to- 
bacco for  a  pernicious  and 
scented  mixture,  and  even 
that  I  have  consented  to 
smoke  only  at  off  times. 
Moreover,  I  have  .  .  .  ." 

She  interrupted  ma  in  a 
manner  to   ba    condemned 
for     all      time,    but     very 
tolerable    at    the    moment. 
"No,"  I  protested,  "I  will 
not  go  to   the  dentist,  not 
till    something    aches.      I 
will  not  take  orders  in  this 
'  matter.     What   orders   are 
!  necessary   in    our   lives,   I 
j  will  issue.     You  shall  sup- 
ply all  the  looks,  grace  and 
charm ;    I  all  the   wisdom 
of    initiative,   prudence    of 
control.      Now  my  wisdom 
tells   me   that   the    proper 
;  time    for    me    to    visit    a 
dentist  will  be  a  year  from 
to-day,  approximately,  and 
henceforth  you  and  I  must 
;  be  guided  by  my  wisdom 
alone." 

Asposdestera  said  no 
mora. 


THE  WISDOM  OF  THE 
MALE. 

FIVE  months  had  elapsed 
and  still  Aspodestera  and  I 
were  engaged. 


BLOW   THE    WIG! 

(and  blow  the  would-be  Radical  J.P.s  !). 

(Lord  LOP.EBURN.) 


were  engaged.     We  had  every  reason  j  clothes  that  are  wrong,  or  only  myself 
to    be    proud    and   grateful,    I   to    be  I  this  time? " 


proud  and  she  to  be  grateful.     For  the 
moment,  however,  we  were  in  complete 

iccord  and  were  discussing  the  situation 

ightly  in  the  abstract. 

"  If  only  I  had  made  a  note  of  the 
actual  words  I  used  at  the  fatal  mo- 

nant,"  I  said,  "  I  should  be  in  a  much 
better  position  now  to  argue.  What  I 
meant  to  say  was,  '  Will  you  marrv 
me?'  Ti  -*  '  ' 
marry 

neans  '  to  love,  honour  and  obey,'  and 


It  certainly  was   not,  'May   I 
you ? '     'To  marry,'  I  may  add, 


sure  you  said  that  you 


am  almos 

A'OUld." 

Aspodestera  busied  herself  with  her 
hair  and  the  mirror  over  the  mantel- 


I  knew  there  was  something  coming 
when  she  thereupon  took  steps  to  com- 
fort and  exhilarate  me  and  allowed  her 
conversation  to  be,  for  a  time,  irrele- 
vant but  sweetly  docile.  Let  me  warn 
you  against  the  irrelevance  and  sweet 
docility  of  Aspo-lestera  and  her  kind. 
When  the  worst  came,  it  came  in  a 
playful  whisper  from  a  head  leaning, 
pleasantly  enough,  on  my  shoulder. 

"  What  is  the  French  for  'to-send-to- 
the-dentist-f  or-inspection-and-repair'? ' ' 

I  abandoned  her  at  once  (she  was 
not  entirely  unprepared)  and  assumed 
a  commanding  and  defiant  attitude 
before  the  fireplace.  "  No,"  I  declared, 


Early    next    morning    I 
j  found  myself  sitting  in  the 
I  seat    of  destiny.      A   1  ttle 
'stream    of    water    trickled 
—  unceasingly    into     a     blue 
bowl  on  my  left  and  a  littb  benzine 
lamp  burned  merrily  near  by.     Mean- 
while  I   had   reason   to    believe    that 
there  was  a  man  in  my  mouth  looking 
for  trouble  with  a  pickaxe. 

"  Not  every  man,"  he  said,  supposing 
that  this  was  flattery  to  me  —  "  not 
every  man  would  have  had  the  sense 
to  come  to  me  in  the  very  nick  of 
time.  That  is  what  you  have  done. 
Half-a-dozen  visits,  and  we  shall  have 
you  with  the  finest  mouth  in  the  four 
kingdoms.  Some  of  the  little  fellows 
must  be  stopped,  and  some  pul!eJ  out. 
These  wisdom  teeth,  for  instanca  .  .  ." 
"  Wisdom  teeth  ?  "  I  cried  bitterly. 
"  Wisdom  ?  Pull  'em  all  out.  I  have 
no  further  use  for  that  class  of  article." 


APRIL  26,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


309 


MR.    PUNCH'S    SUPPLEMENT. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  Tlie  Times.) 

II.— BILLIARDS. 

IN  view  of  the  heightened  interest  in 
billiards  that  is  now  being  displayed  it 
is  felt  that  a  brief  history  and  survey 
of  the  gamo  would  be  grateful  and 
illuminating. 

HISTORICAL. 

The  origin  of  billiards  is  wrapt  in 
mystery.  SAYCE  claims  to  have  found 
traces  of  the  game  in  a  rudimentary 
form  in  mural  hieroglyphics  at  Luxor, 
and  it  cannot  be  denied  that  the  name 
given  to  the  most  popular  of  the 
winning  hazard  variants — Pyramids — 
lends  colour  to  his  theory.  SHAK- 
BPEARE,  too,  in  Antony  and  Cleopatra 
has  the  phrase,  "  Let 's  to  billiards." 
At  the  beginning  of  the  last  century, 
however,  the  savant  ROBERT  ALLEN 
was  positive  that  the  game  was  first 
played  in  Lombardy ;  hence  the 
Lombardy  crest  of  three  balls.  The 
circumstance  that  these  balls  are 
all  of  brass,  and  not  two  white  and 
one  red,  may  be  dismissed  as  an 
accident.  Professor  ALLEN  held  that 
the  game  was  invented  as  a  recreation 
for  the  great  financiers  of  Lombardy 
after  the  fatigues  of  money-lending 
during  the  day. 

Other  investigators  have  other 
theories.  Thus  Sir  ROBERT  BALL 
assigns  an  Arabic  origin  to  the  game 
and  sees  in  it  an  effort  to  symbolize 
the  solar  system,  the  red  ball  being 
obviously  meant  to  indicate  Mars,  the 
pinkest  of  the  planets. 

As  to  the  derivation  of  the  word, 
Professor  Topirambour,  of  the  Ecole 
des  Langues  Orientales  at  Paris,  notes 
that  the  name  is  identical  with  milliards, 
when  the  latter  is  pronounced  by  a 
person  with  a  cold  in  the  head,  for 
which  billiards  are  an  excellent  tonic. 

BILLIARD  BALLS. 

In  the  earliest  days  of  the  game  in 
England,  the  balls  were  made  of  stone, 
on  which  very  little  work  could  be  got. 
The  cues  were  of  iron,  or,  in  the  houses 
of  the  nobility,  of  steel.  Ivory  balls 
came  in  in  the  eighteenth  century,  cut 
from  the  tusks  of  elephants.  The  dis- 
covery of  this  use  to  which  to  put 
those  appendages  is  due  to  the  Dutch 
explorer,  Van  Winkle  in  1783,  who, 
confined  to  the  jungle  for  some  months 
and  longing  for  100  up,  constructed,  it 
is  said,  a  whole  billiard  table  and 
appliances  from  one  elephant,  flattening 
the  back  for  the  bed,  retaining  the 
lf^  in  situ,  turning  the  balls  from  the 
tusks,  and  after  petrifying  both  using 
the  tail  as  a  cue  and  the  trunk  as  a  rest. 
With  this  alleviation  he  is  said  to  have 
been  so  content  that  he  refused  to  leave 


Robinson  (of  the  City).  "WHAT  A  MODEST  MAN  MADDOX-JO.NES  is.  I'VE  KNOWN  HIM 
FOR  YEARS,  AND  NEVER  KNEW  TILL  HE  TOLD  ME  JUST  NOW  THAT  HE  EXHIBITS  AT  THE 
ROYAL  ACADEMY." 

Surnc-Bromi  (of  Chelsea).  "HE  NEVER  KNEW  EITHER— TILL  A  DAY  OR  TWO  AGO!" 


his  solitude  when  a  relief  party  at  last 
found  him. 

THE  BONZO. 

Ivory  balk  held  the  field  until  the 
opportune  discovery  of  the  bonzo  in 
the  forest  of  Swami  by  the  late  Sir 
H.  M.  STANLEY.  The  explorer  came 
suddenly  upon  a  huge  herd  of  them  in 
a  clearing.  The  creature  is  practically 
all  tusk,  the  merest  thread  of  body  with 
several  hundred-weights  of  the  hard 
glistening  material  attached  to  it.  No 


sooner  did  the  bon/os  see  STANLEY  than 
they  made  a  huge  break  for  cover — a 
happy  augury.  The  herd,  however, 
moved  but  slowly  owing  to  their  wealth 
of  bonzoline  (as  it  is  now  called),  and 
it  was  an  easy  matter  to  round  them 
up  and  secure  them.  Bonzo  ranches 
now  cover  the  Swami  district  and  large 
fortunes  are  being  made.  Not  only  are 
the  bonzo's  tusks  (which,  we  ought  to 
explain,  it  drags  behind,  having  insuf- 
ficient strength  to  carry  them)  useful 
for  billiard  balls,  but  excellent  false 


—  — 

teeth  almost  like  real,  are  made  from 
them  too,  and  the  best  professionals 
wear  no  others.  Ex-President  ROOSE- 
VELT also  keeps  a  set  by  him,  in  case 
of  accident. 

BILLIARDS  IN  FRANCE. 

In  France,  where  orthography  runs 
riot,  they  have  the  word  "billard,'' 
signifying  merely  the  table  on  which 
the  game  is  played.  Hence  a  hotel  or 
caf6  proprietor  will  announce  that  he 
keeps  two,  three  or  wluitever  number  it 
ma5  be—"  billards  "  :  which  is  absurd. 
The  French  table  has  no  longer  any 
pockets,  a  deprivation  due,  according 
to  the  same  Professor  ALLEN,  to  the 
circumstance  that  when  tlure  were 
pockets  the  Lombards  could  not  keep 
their  hands  out  of  them.  They  were 
therefore  removed  under  the  Code 
Napoleon. 

BILLIARDS  IN  SOUTH  AMERICA. 

The  game  in  Terra  del  Fuego  is 
perhaps  not  worth  consideration  here, 
since  they' do  not  play  it  at  all.  . 

SHAKSPEARE  AS  A  CUE-IST. 
That  our  national  poet  knew  the 
game  is  beyond  question. ;  Again  and 
again  in  his  Works  we  find  references  to 
hTs  passion :  direct,  as  in  tho  instance 
given  above,  and  indirect  and  more 
poetical,  as  when  he  says  (Love's 
Labour's  Lost),  "My  love  is  most 
immaculate  white  and  red  "  ;  and  again, 
in  The  Taming  of  the  Shrew,  "Such 
war  of  white  and  red";  in  Henry  IV., 
Pt.  I.,  "  This  cushion  my  crown !  "  ;  in 
Midsummer  Night's  Dream,  "  When  my 
cue  comes  call  me  and  I  will  answer," 
and  in  Lear  (after  the  balls  had  been 
running  badly  for  him),  "  My  cue  is 
villa'nous  melancholy." 

SNOOKER'S  POOL. 

Snooker's  Pool  was  invented  by 
Alfred  Snooker,  marker  at  the  "  Green 
Posts  "  in  Leicester  Square,  in  1843. 
The  exact  date  is  not  known.  Snooker 
lived  to  be  quite  an  old  man,  dying  in 
1901  in  a  lodging  in  Camden  Town. 
He  took  an  interest  in  the  game  to  the 
end,  but  seems  to  have  wandered  a 
little  in  his  mind  at  the  close  of  his 
life,  for  his  last  words  were :  "  Two  for 
his  nob."  Longevity  was  once  prac- 
tically assured  to  all  good  billiard 
players,  but  it  is  not  thought  that  any 
of  the  many  professionals  of  the  present 
moment  will  ever  be  GRAY. 

THE  HALF-BUTT. 

This  interesting  weapon,  originally 
invented  by  the  Duke  of  Malmsey,  is 
now,  by  a  delicate  compliment  to  one 
of  our  leading  vocalists,  habitually 
described  as  "  the  semi-Clara." 


THE  CORRESPONDENCE  OF  AN 
INLAND  REVENUE  OFFICIAL. 

OLD  STYLE. 

SIR,— Only  a  week  now  remains  be- 
fore the  closing  of  the  financial  year,  and 
I  must  press  the  immediate  payment 
of  your  Income  Tax,  otherwise  the 
amount  will  be  lost  to  the  Sinking  Fund 
and  considerable  inconvenience  will 
thereby  be  caused  to  the  Inland 
Revenue  Department. 

Yours  faithfully,     W.  SNOOKS, 
J.  Brown,  Esq.         Surveyor  of  Taxes. 

SIR,— I  note  that  my  demand  of  the 
24th  ult.  has  been  ignored  by  you :  your 
Income  Tax  has  therefore  been  irretriev- 
ably Icsi  to  the  Sinking  Fund.  I  have 
now  to  inform  you  that  unless  it  is  paid 
within  four  days,  I  shall  have  the 
painful  duty  of  putting  in  a  distress 
upon  your  goods. 

Yours  faithfully,    W.  SNOOKS, 
J.  Brown,  Esq.         Surveyor  of  Taxes. 

SIR,— Here,  confound  you,  is  your 
tax.  I  am  glad  to  think  the  robbers 
of  the 'Inland  Revenue  Department 
will  have  been  put  to  considerable 
inconvenience  by  the  loss  of  this  sum 
to  the  Sinking  Fund.  I  wish  (for  this 
reason  only)  that  the  amount  had  bsen 
larger. 

Yours  faithfully,     J.  BROWN. 

NEW  STYLE. 


March 

DEAR  Ma.  BROWN,— May  I  ask  you 
as  a  personal  favour  kindly  to  postpone 
the  payment  of  your  Income  Tax  for 
one  month.  I  know  and  appreciate 
your  accustomed  regularity,  but  at 
present  the  Government  has  really 
more  money  than  it  knows  what  to  do 
with.  I  am  sure  that  you  do  not  wish 
your  hard-earned  savings  to  be 
squandered  on  the  mere  repayment  of 
debt.  To  force  up  the  price  of  Consols 
is  to  inflict  a  grievous  wrong  on  the 
saving  classes  of  the  community  who 
wish  to  invest  in  them.  I  think  I  may 
promise  you  that  next  year  your  money 
will  be  devoted  to  much  more  romantic 
objects — the  payment  of  your  excellent 
Parliamentary  representative  and  the 
creation  of  a  large  number  of  lucrative 
civil  service  posts.  Trusting  that  you 
will  see  your  way  to  comply  with  my 
request, 

Believe  me,  with  kindest  regards, 
Yours  faithfully,     W.  SNOOKS, 

Surveyor  of  Taxes. 

DEAR  MR.  SNOOKS, — I  have  the 
greatest  pleasure  in  complying  with 
your  very  amiable  request.  I  quite 
appreciate  your  point  about  the  glut  of 
money  in  the  Exchequer,  and  if  it  will 




b3  any  help  to  you  will  postpone  all 
payments  till  this  time  next  year. 

Yours  faithfully,     J.  BROWN. 

gIRi — In  direct  violation  of  instruc- 
tions from  the  Department,  you  have 
obstinately  and  deliberately  persisted 
in  paying  your  Income  Tax.  It  is 
obvious  from  your  wish  to  rush  the 
payment  through  and  avoid  enquiry 
that  you  have  been  assessed  at  far  too 
low  a  rate.  I  enclose  form  relating  to 
Super-tax,  which  please  fill  up  and 
return  instantly.  In  default  thereof 
you  will  be  assessed  for  Super-tax  by 
the  Commissioners. 

Yours  truly,     W.  SNOOKS, 
J.  Brown,  Esq.          Surveyor  of  Taxes. 

DEAR  MR.  SNOOKS, — My  ass  of  a 
cashier  rilled  up  cheque  for  Income 
Tax,  and  forwarded  same  without  con- 
sulting me.  I  have  discharged  cashier 
and  stopped  cheque.  Please  accept 
my  apologies. 

Yours  faithfully,     J.  BROWN. 

MY  DEAR  MR.  BROWN, —  Please  ac- 
cept my  apologies  for  the  tone  of  my 
last  note.  I  ought  to  have  guessed 
that  there  was  some  mistake.  I  much 
appreciate  the  courteous  and  patriotic 
manner  in  which  you  stopped  payment 
of  the  cheque.  May  I  venture  to  inter- 
cade  for  your  cashier.  His  conduct  to 
my  mind  is  more  significant  of  slight 
mental  weakness  than  direct  moral 
obliquity.  Pray  do  not  trouble  about 
that  little  matter  of  Super-tax.  I  wrote 
under  the  mistaken  impression  that 
you  had  grievously  wronged  the  depart- 
ment. With  kindest  regards, 

Yours  cordially,          W.  SXOOKS. 


MY  DEAR  MB.  BROWN, — I  cannot 
leave  my  post  (on  promotion  to  an 
Inspectorship  at  our  head  office)  with- 
out thanking  you  for  the  very  kindly 
way  in  which  you  helped  me  depart- 
mentally.  During  the  last  weak  of  the 
financial  year  my  district  achieved  the 
unique  record  of  paying  nothing  into 
the  Exchequer.  Without  the  help — so 
freely  and  generously  given — of  your* 
self  and  others  such  a  result  could 
never  have  been  achieved.  My  one 
regret  in  leaving  this  district  is  that 
it  involves  separation  from  so  many 
friendly  non-tax  payers.  Believe  me, 

Yours  very  cordially,    W.  SNOOKS. 

"After  having  shaken  hands  with  those 
present  on  the  p'atform  the  train  steamed  out 
punctually  at  12  o'clock  amid  cheers." 

GncM  s  Penny  Mai!. 

As  long  as  these  little  courtesies  on  the 
part  of  our  trains  arc  not  allowed  to 
interfere  with  punctual  attention  to 
business  we  have  nothing  but  praiso 
for  them. 


APRIL  26,  1911.] 


1'L'NCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


.il 


Monfrac  Peebles.  "En  !    Yos  WADR  MY  BRITIIZR  JOCK'S  TRAIS,  BUT  I'LL  JCIZP  MY  BAWLEE  FOB  THE  NEXT  EDEETIG.V.     IT  WILL 

HA'  Till  FINAL  BESULTS   o'   TUB  FOOTBA'   IN  AS  WEEL  !  " 


PARTED. 

PHYLLIS,  farewell ! — if  that's  the  name 
By    which    your    people    had    you 
christened 

Long  ere  that  heauty  flashed  to  flame ; 
And  even  if  it  isn't. 

Farewell  I  I  shall  not  die  of  woe 
Nor  sleep  beneath  the  churchyard's 
stout  yew 

When  you  are  gone.    I  do  not  know 
Nearly  enough  about  you. 

Only  at  times  a  transient  glimpse 
Of  hair,  whose — well,  whose  Titian 
glory 

You  decorate  with  curls  and  crimps 
There  in  that  upper  storey, 

Deep  as  Apollo's  dying  ray, 
Betwixt  the  leafless  elders  carried, 

Has  charm :d  me  greatly — by  the  %vay, 
I  wonder  if  you  're  married. 

I  wonder  if  the  hair-comb's  spike 
Burns  as  it  parts  those  locks  asunder; 

I  wonder  what  your  face  is  like, 
Oh  1  heaps  of  things  I  wondsr : 

I  wonder  what  asbestos  cone, 

What  heat-proof  hat  enshrines  those 
tresses ; 


I  wonder  if  they  're  all  your  own ; 
But  where  's  the  use  in  guesses? 

The  fact  remains,  that  now  the  Spring 
Has  stormed  the  heights  and  swept 
the  valleys 

And  Zephyrus,  the  year's  gay  king, 
No  longer  shilly-shallies, 

The  flush  that  fills  the  world  with  green 
And  Winter's  savage  gripe  unhardens, 

Creates  anew  a  toilet-screen 
In  opposite  back  gardens. 

Farewell !  but  only  till  the  leaves 
Fall  and  the  widowed  woods  grow 

duller ; 

Except  your  mane  meanwhile  achieves 
Some  less  conspicuous  colour. 

EVOE. 


"Eight  million  eggs,  weighing  60,000  tons, 
are  yearly  consumed  in  London,  the  eaters 
paying  four  million  pounds  for  them." — 
Liverpool  Evening  Express. 
Breakfast  is  getting  a  very  expensive 
meal. 

"  Flat  Burglary  Sequel,"  announced 
a  poster  of  The  Globe.  The  reaction 
after  these  little  excitements  often 
causes  a  sense  of  dulness. 


STATESMEN    UNBENT. 

WE  are  glad  to  learn  that  the 
excellent  example  of  the  HOME  SECRE- 
TARY, who  enjoyed  himself  during  his 
Easter  holiday  by  digging  in  the  sands 
near  Holy-head,  has  not  been  thrown 
away  on  his  colleagues,  most  of  whom 
found  relaxation  from  the  cares  of  office 
in  various  infantile  pastimes. 

The  PRIME  MINISTER,  who  has  spent 
his  Easter  holidays  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Godalming,  passed  the  whole 
of  Easter  Monday  blowing  soap 
bubbles  on  the  lawn  of  Sir  HERBERT 
JEKYLL'S  stately  home.  The  largest 
bubble  blown  by  Mr.  ABQUITH  was 
estimated  to  have  a  diameter  of  six- 
teen inches  and  reached  an  altitude  of 
nearly  thirty  feet  before  disintegrating 
into  iridescent  smithereens. 

Mr.  URE,  the  Lord  Advocate,  gave 
himself  a  complete  holiday  from 
serious  politics  at  Easter,  and  went 
to  recruit  his  energies  in  the  Heart 
of  Midlothian,  where  he  spent  several 
happy  days  making  mud-pies  of  un- 
paralleled magnitude.  Every  variety 
of  design  was  indulged  in  by  the  dis- 
tinguished architect,  but  his  happiest 


312 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  26,  1911. 


effort  was  a  gigantic  ducal  coronet 
which  has  since  been  baked  and  pre- 
sented to  the  Gladstone  League,  who 
propose  to  exhibit  it  at  their  head 
office  before  sending  it  round  the 
country  as  an  object  lesson  in  the 
futility  of  the  feudal  system. 

Mr.  HERBERT  SAMUEL  invited  several 
of  the  officials  of  St.  Martin's-le-Grand 
to  spend  Easter  with  him.  With  a 
delicate  consideration  which  cannot  be 
too  highly  commended,  Mr.  SAMUEL 
insisted  on  playing  General  Post  witl 
his  guests  every  day  from  10  to  1  and 
from  2  to  5. 

Mr.  SYDNEY  BUXTON  gave  a  charming 
Dolls'  tea-party  to  the  wives  and 
children  of  the  permanent  staff  of  the 
Board  of  Trade.  Mr.  BUXTON,  who 
presided  at  the  feast,  at  which  real  tea, 
milk  and  sugar  were  used,  enjoyed 
himself  immensely,  and  drank  no  fewer 
than  nineteen  diminutive  cups  of 
China's  fragrant  herb. 

Mr.  EUNCIMAN'S  Easter  recreation 
took  the  form  of  a  carnival  of  round  or 
"circular"  games,  in  which  he  was 
joined  by  Sir  EGBERT  MORANT  and 
several  of  the  senior  Inspectors  of 
Schools.  Boisterous  merriment  pre- 
vailed, which  reached  its  climax  in  a 
game  of  consequences,  in  which  one  of 
the  papers  concluded, "  The  consequence 
was  there  was  a  conspiracy  of  silence, 
and  the  World  said, '  He  ought  to  have 
resigned.' " 

AT  THE    PLAY. 

"A  MIDSUMMER  NIGHT'S  DREAM." 
THE  clou  of  Sir  HERBERT  TREE'S  so 
brilliant  revival  was  his  extremely 
clever  troupe  of  tame  rabbits.  For  a 
first  night's  performance  they  played 
with  an  extraordinary  absence  of  nerves 
and  self-consciousness.  Not  even  the 
spectacle  of  Mr.  BOURCHIER'S  legs, 
foreshortened  in  repose,  disturbed  their 
complacency.  From  the  moment  of 
their  appearance  in  the  forest  scene,  our 
gaze  was  diverted  from  the  charm  of 
Oberon  and  the  gamineries  of  Puck ;  the 
rabbits  became,  if  I  may  say  it,  the 
coneysure  of  every  eye.  When  Bottom, 
dazed  with  slumber  and  the  vague 
memory  of  strange  dreams,  called  aloud 
on  Peter  Quince,  a  piebald  rabbit  mis- 
took himself  for  the  Athenian  prompter, 
and  advanced,  amid  loud  signs  of  ap- 
proval, in  the  weaver's  direction,  and 
Mr.  BOURCHIER,  in  a  spasm  of  jealousy, 
beat  a  swift  retreat  under  the  guise  of 
a  very  natural  terror. 

To  the  sporting  mind  it  seemed  a  pity 
that  the  hounds  of  Theseus,  "  bred  out 
of  the  Spartan  kind,"  were  not  intro- 
duced in  person.  But  Sir  HERBERT 
has  a  tender  heart,  and,  after  all,  the 
rabbits  were  too  confiding. 


Another  fresh  effect  was  the  High 
of  doll-fairies  across  the  background 
This  pleased  me  less,  for  from  my  seat 
I  could  not  define  the  nature  of  these 
fluffy  objects  and  took  them  for  cock- 
atoos or  birds  of  paradise,  my  difficulty 
being  increased  by  their  tendency  to  fly 
upside  down.  Nor  did  I  find  the  mar- 
vellous beauty  of  these  sylvan  scene: 
enhanced  by  so  much  trapeze-work  on 
the  part  of  the  living  children.  For  the 
rest  I  cannot  imagine  how  things  could 
have  been  bettered. 

These  dreamlike  glimpses  of  faerie 
and  the  buffooneries  of  the  local  his- 
trions  seem  never  to  stale ;  and  even 
the  tediousness  of  the  lovers'  affairs, 
always  unsympathetic,  were  made  more 
than  tolerable  by  the  charm  ot  their 


Revised    Stage    Instructions  :  —  Exit  tiottom 
followed  by  piebald  super. 


BMom 
Rabbit 


Mr.  ARTHUR  BOUUCHIER. 
A\ON. 


setting.  Dull  and  artificial  talk  matters 
[ess  when  the  speakers  are  so  good 
;o  look  on. 

Of  the  fairies,  Miss  EVELYN  D'ALROY 
aore  herself  with  a  very  graceful  dignity 
as  Oberon,  but  in  comparison  with  what 
one  remembers  of  the  virility  of  Miss 
JULIA  NEILSON,  she  was  perhaps  not 
quite  man  enough  for  the  part,  and, 
indeed,  beside  the  scurrilities  of  Hermia 
and  the  un  maidenlike  advances  of 
Helena  her  Oberon  seemed  the  most 
womanly  creation  in  the  play.  I  shall 
lot  soon  forget  the  exquisite  beauty  of 
;he  dying  fall  of  her  song  as  she  moved 
away  through  the  dimness  of  the 
forest  —  "  I  know  a  bank."  Miss  MAR- 
GERY MAUDE  was  a  sweet  and  gracious 
Titania,  but  even  allowing  for  her 
fairyhood  she  lacked  a  little  the  qual- 


ity of  queenliness.    Master  HAMPDEN'S 
Puck  was  a  very  perfect  imp. 

As  for  the  mortals,  if  in  her  Hermia 
one  missed  the  piquancy  of  Mi;s  LAURA 
COWIE'S  Anne  Bullen,  she  showed 
an  unexpected  gift  for  feline  ameni- 
ties, and  bandied  Billingsgate  with 
the  right  fishwife's  gusto.  One  almost 
overlooked  the  thanklessnessof  Helena's 
part  for  delight  of  Miss  CRESSALL'S 
beauty  and  the  clinging  charm  of 
her  Greek  hobble-skirt.  Miss  FRANCES 
DILLON  showed  no  false  shame  about 
the  exposure  of  one  of  her  nether  limbs, 
but  this  did  not  deceive  me  into 
the  belief  that  she  was  really  an 
Amazon  Queen. 

To  pass  to  the  mechanics,  Mr. 
EDWARD  SASS,  as  Starveling,  made  an 
enduring  impression  with  his  yokel's 
smile  that  refused  to  come  off.  I  shall 
hope  to  see  it  permanently  secured  on 
a  picture-postcard.  But,  of  course, 
Mr.  BOURCHIER  very  properly  overbore 
the  rest  of  the  company  of  comic 
tragedians.  It  was  indeed  a  mid- 
summer night  out  for  him  and  he 
made  it  his  business  to  go  one  better 
than  all  previous  Pyrami.  Bottom  had 
been  "  translated  "  often  enough  ;  but 
this  time  he  should  be  adapted  with 
new  effects  under  his  (Mr.  BOURCHIER'S) 
personal  supervision.  Having  no 
theatre  just  now  under  his  own 
iontrol  he  felt  the  less  embarrassment 
in  burlesquing  those  foibles  of  actor- 
management  of  which  he  enjoys  a 
ripe  experience.  Naturally  his  weaver 
was  more  robust  and  bucolic  than  Sir 
HERBERT'S,  and  still  no  subtlety 
escaped  his  grip.  For  a  moment  I 
;hought  that  he  had  grown  a  fresh  crop 
of  facial  hair  for  the  part  of  Pyramus 
n  the  interval  between  the  Second  and 
Third  Acts.  But  the  colour,  a  deep 
sable,  was  against  this  view,  and 
when  his  moustachios  slipped  below 
lis  under  lip,  and,  later,  were  de- 
pressed beneath  his  chin  with  the 
dea  of  permitting  a  greater  clarity 
of  speech,  I  saw  that  I  had  over- 
rated his  fertility.  Later  in  the  even- 
ng  he  kindly  offered  me,  in  an  en- 
velope, the  relics  of  his  Tudor  beard, 
now  permanently  discarded ;  but  I  de- 
clined the  generous  gift,  feeling  that 
ts  proper  place  would  be  under  glass 
n  the  new  museum  of  Metropolitan 
reasures.  O.  S. 


"  It  may  seem  an  anachronism  to  say  that  :t 
iOlb.  wether  is  as  profitable  a?  a  651b.  one,  but 
f  an  average  is  taken,  it  will  be  found  that  the 
lifference  between  cost  of  feeding,  and  the 
lifference  in  the  price  obtained,  of  the  two  is 
greater  in  the  first." — The  Land  (Sydney). 

Whatever  this  means,  it  is  too  fresh 
'or  an  anachronism. 


AnuL  20,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


313 


PRIVATE   LIFE   OF   OUR   PUBLIC   MEN. 

5.  THE  BIG  GAME  HUNTER  is  HIS  SANCTUM. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

I  CANNOT  question  the  loyalty  of  motive  of  those  to  whose 
labour  of  love  we  owe  The  Life  of  John  Oliver  Hobbes 
(MURRAY),  but  I  do  question,  without  using  other  argument 
than  may  be  drawn  from  the  internal  evidence  of  her  works 
and  of  her  letters,  whether  Mrs.  CBAIGIE  herself  would  have 
desired  the  publication  of  her  private  correspondence.  It 
is  not  as  if  her  life  had  been  spent  in  ways  that  allowed  her 
no  chance  of  self  expression.  She  wrote  for  the  public,  and 
the  public  was  at  liberty  to  judge  her,  if  it  could,  by  her 
books.  But  she  never  invited  it  to  make  conjecture  of  her- 
self from  this  source.  She  preserved,  even  in  her  most 
analytical  moments,  a  fastidious  detachment  of  manner,  a 
nice  distaste — temperamental  as  much  as  artistic — for  the 
exposure  of  her  own  personality. 

\Vas  ich  wciss  kann  jcmiinn  wisscn  ; 
Mrin  Herz  1mb' ich  alleiu. 

At  least  she  kept  her  heart  for  her  intimate  friends ;  and, 
for  them  the  fascination  of  reading  her  letters  to  other 
intimate  friends  is  tempered  by  a  sense  of  intrusion,  as  if 
one  were  overhearing  private  speech  or  listening  to  the 


betrayal  of  a  confidence.  The  publication,  however,  of  her 
purely  literary  letters  is  justifiable  as  adding  something  to 
the  world's  knowledge  of  her  as  a  writer.  Many  of  them 
contain  criticisms  of  great  and  abiding  value.  But  too 
much  attention,  as  usual,  is  given  to  correspondence  with 
her  publisher  and  others  about  details  of  production,  what 
one  may  call  the  commercial  side  of  the  author's  work,  a 
subject  always  best  suppressed,  and  it  is  perhaps  a  pity  that 
so  many  needless  examples  should  have  been  given  of  her 
extreme  sensitiveness  to  criticism  and  her  insistence  upon 
the  need  of  less  prejudice  and  more  intelligence  in  English 
reviewers.  Her  appreciations  of  the  work  of  other  writers 
and  artists,  as  shown  in  her  letters  to  them,  are  marked  by 
extraordinary  generosity,  and  one  can  only  marvel,  in  the 
case  of  one  or  two  who  shall  be  nameless,  that  their  modesty 
permitted  them  to  offer  these  flattering  testimonials  to  the 
public  eye. 

Mrs.  CRAIGIE'S  father,  Mr.  JOHN  MORGAN  RICHARDS,  has 
done  his  work  well,  contributing  a  short  but  adequate 
sketch  of  her  life  that  is  marked  by  great  simplicity  and 
restraint.  The  friend  who  selected  her  letters  has  had  a  more 
difficult  and  delicate  task,  and  if  the  result  is  unsatisfactory 
the  fault  is  not  his  alone.  Among  other  pleasant  traits 
Mrs.  CRAIGIE'S  habit,  rare  among  women,  of  nearly  always 


314 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[APRIL  26,  1911. 


taking  the  man's  point  of  \iew,  brought  many  men  within  ;  Miss  SILBEBRAD'S  briskly-  written  chapters.  One  feature, 
the  charmed  circle  of  her  intimate  friends.  Her  letters  however,  there  is  that  redeems  this  story  from  being 
to  them  breathed  an  air  of  delightful  candour  whether  she  altogether  a  thing  of  formula;  its  picture  of  Quaker  life 
touched  on  private  matters  or  public  affairs,  and  their  (  in  the  seventeenth  century  has  bean  drawn  with  evident 
reproduction  would  in  many  cases  have  been  a  breach  of  j  knowledge  and  affection.  For  this  alone  the  book  is  worth 
privilege.  It  follows  that  some  of  her  closest  friends  are  not  reading. 
represented  —  openly,  at  least  —  by  any  letters  in  this  col- 
lection, and  others  but  meagrely.  The  most  self-revealingj  I  cannot  help  thinking  that  ETHEL  SIDGWICK  has  been 
correspondence  is  that  addressed,  within  the  last  two]  rather  ill-advised  in  choosing  the  title  for  her  last  book. 
years  of  her  life,  to  one  who  remains  inconnu  under  the  i  The  ordinary  Island  reader,  on  seeing  the  announcement 
initial  X.  To  him  she  writes:  "I  have  had  great  attach-  of  Le  Gentleman  (SIDGWICK  AND  JACKSON),  and  observing 
ments  and  great  friendships,  but  something  tragic  within  that  it  is  by  the  author  of  Promise,  would  no  doubt 
me  never  made  it  possible  for  me  to  '  avail  myself  of  j  spring  to  the  nearest  bookseller's  to  buy  it.  He  would 
the  glamour.'  "  And  this  was  true  of  her  art  as  well.  She  ,  say  to  the  shop-assistant,  "  Will  you  please 
knew  the  craftsman's  delight  in  do'ng  good  work,  but  she  Le 
took  no  real  joy  in  her  art  ; 


?  "    and   there   he 


me 


to   her  it   was   a  means  of 
escape  from  life ;   she  never 
"availed    herself    of  .the 
glamour  "  of  it.    The  sadness 
and  disillusionment  of   one 
who  saw  things  too  clearly 
and  felt   the  inadequacy  of 
the  intellectual  vision ;   who 
sought  comfort  in  her  Faith, 
but    never   found   a   perfect 
solace  for  the  conviction  that 
life,  on  its  human  side,  had 
failed  her ;    who,   tired  out 
before  her  time,  foresaw,  and 
gladly,  the  end  and  even  the 
manner  of  it ;  these  are  the 
dominant  notes  in  the  corres- 
pondence of  her  later  years. 
It  may  well  be  that  they  are 
accentuated  out  of  all  right 
proportion     in    the    letters 
available  for  publication,  for 
one  certainly  misses  in  this 
record    the    swift    and    un- 
affected   sympathy   which 
'  was  the  charm  of  her  living 
speech ;  one  misses  her  gay 
ar.d  sparkling  vivacity.    And 
if,  which  I  doubt,  these  starry 
gifts  were  just  a  disguise 
which  her  courage  and  tact 
employed  that  she  might  hide 
her    despondency   from    the 
world  at  large,  and  spare  her 

friends  the  full  knowledge  of  it,  then  that  is  the  best  of 
reasons  why  the  veil  she  wore  in  life  should  have  been  left 
untouched  with  the  seal  of  death  upon  it. 

Messrs.  NELSON'S  formers  continue  to  display  excellent 
quality  and  a  fine  catholicity  of  styls.  In  Sampson  Hideout, 
Quaker,  the  last  to  come  under  my  notice,  Miss  UNA  L. 
SILBERRAD  has  added  to  the  list  a  volume  that  will  probably 
be  as  popular  as  any  ;  sinco  it  is  of  that  category  of  quasi- 
historical-costume-romance  (what  B.  L.  S.  used  to  call 
"  tushery  " )  that  in  these  days,  whether  made  for  theatre 
or  library,  catches  the  great  heart  of  the  people  in  its 
tenderest  spot.  Perhaps  the  tale  is  not  very  new;  it  seems 
impossible  to  vary  the  ingredients  of  this  kind  of  fiction — 
the  high-bora  heroine,  full  of  whims  and  captivating 
insolence,  and  the  honest  hero,  "  no  lady's-man  this,  but 
a  plain,  outspoken,  etc.,  etc.,"  who  from  their  first  meeting 
has  obviously  not  a  dog's  chance  of  escaping  his  matri- 
monial destiny.  You  will  find  many  familiar  friends  in 


'0  J'AIME  LES  MILITAIRES  1  " 
"MOTHER,   DO  LOOK. 


give 

would  stop.  How  can  you 
place  a  crude  British  noun 
after  a  French  article?  No, 
he  would  try  a  Gallic  pro- 
nunciation, and  then  (as 
Mr.  BELLOC  would  say)  no 
more  would  be  heard  but 
"  sounds  of  strong  men 
struggling  with  a  word." 
But  if  any  such  catastrophe 
does  occur  it  will  be  a  sad 
loss  for  the  Island  reader ; 
for  there  is  a  peculiar  charm 

:  and  simplicity  about  the 
telling  of  this  story  which, 
though  not  easy  to  analyse, 
make  themselves  felt  rv  the 
first  page  and  keep  the  sym- 
pathies engaged  until  the 
last.  It  is  almost  as  if  we 
had  met  the  characters  before 
we  were  introduced  to  them 
by  the  writer.  The  plot  (as 
may  be  divined)  is  laid  in 
Paris,  and  is  concerned  with 

,  the  not  uncommon  theme  of 
a  love  that  came  too  late, 

:  because  the  obligation  o:  u, 
previous  tie  was  paramount. 
I  shall  not  ba  so  barbarous 

I  as  to  attempt  to  describe  it 
further,  but  it  will  perhaps 

j  be  enough  to  say  that,  in- 


DOWN  THE  STREET!" 


HERE  ARE  ALL  NURSE'S  COUSIN.  COMING  artisfcic  fch(nl»h  it;  would  have 

been,  I  hoped  against  hope 

'  for  a  fatal   accident   in  the 

last  few  pages.  By  the  way,  that  little  difficulty  which 
I  mentioned  at  the  beginning  may  be  avoided  by  ordering 
Le  Gentleman  through  the  post. 


Felons  and  frauds  are  all  the  rage  in  ST.  JOHN  ADCOCK'S 

latest  book ; 

On  almost  every  other  page  you  meet  a  pigeon  or  a  rook  ; 
Of   all  its  people  but   a   few  can  truly  be   described  as 

winning, 
And  hardly  one  of  all  the  crew  is  neither  sinned  against 

nor  sinning. 

And  yet  the  tale  (from  STANLEY  PAUL),  A  Man  with,  so  it's 

named,  a  Past, 

Is,  curiously,  not  at  all  of  the  old  shilling  shocker  cast. 
Crime  does  not  lure  me  as  a  rule,  yet  this  book  did,  and  that 

I  read  it 
Through  and  enjoyed  it  is,  as  you'll  acknowledge,  to  the 

author's  credit. 


MAY  3,  1911] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


315 


ilvturist.     "AYlIAT   I   LIKE   AIi:;l'T  THESE  LITTLK  TWO-SEATERS   IS  THAT  ONE  CAN   SUI'    IS   AND  OfT  OK  THE  TKAtFIC   SO  EASILY. 


CHARIVARIA. 

Mn.  KEIB  HARDIE  describes  the 
Durbar  as  "  a  glorified  circus.''  And 
Mr.  KEIII  HARDIE  knows  wbafc  he  is 
talking  about,  for  it  will  be  remeoi- 
hoivvl  that  he  played  something  rather 
like  the  clown  in  India  himself. 

"  American  Audiences,"  says  Mr. 
,li-:i;i)ME  K.  JEROME,  as  reported  in 
The  Daily  Chronicle,  "  are,  on  the 
whole,  easier  to  make  appeal  to  than 
Englkh  audiences.  .  .  .  They  do  not 
ask  for  forms  and  lules  and  dotted 
diagrams;  they  only  ask  to  ba  inter- 
ested." This  accounts,  we  suppose,  for 
the  signal  success,  the  other  day,  of  the 
lynching  of  a  n?gro  on  the  stage  of  an 
Opera  House  in  Kentucky. 
#  * 

:;; 

England  has  hitherto  bacn  so  free 
from  the  colour  restrictions  which  pre- 
vail in  America  that  we  are  sorry  to 
read  that  the  North-Eastern  Railway 
Company  has  issued  a  circular  pro- 
hibiting the  carrying  of  chimney-sweeps 
in  ordinary  passenger  carriages. 

The  Surrey  County  Council  has 
passed  a  by-law  making  it  an  offence 
to  use  bad  language  in  a  house  so  that 
it  can  be  heard  by  passers-by.  It  is 
thought  that  this  give  will  an  immense 
impetus  to  the  movement  in  favour  of 
sound-proof  dwellings. 

\OL.    'XL. 


The  National  Theatre  of  Mexico, 
which  is  now  nearing  completion,  has 
already  cost  over  £2,000.000,  and  will, 
it  is  stated,  1  o  the  finest  theatre  in  the 
world.  It  is  even  said  that  the  Revo- 
lution is  merely  being  run  to  enable 
some  interesting  cinematograph  pic- 
tures to  be  obtained  for  this  new  place 
of  amusement.  ...  .,, 

Professor  THOMAS  SEE,  the  American 
astronomer,  has  declared  it  to  be  his 
absolute  conviction  that,  wherever  a 
star  twinkles,  there  is  life.  We  hope 
that  steps  will  now  be  taken  on  the 
part  of  our  planet  to  twinkle  back. 

White  the  Central  London  Railway 
is  not  prepared  to  fit  up  the  Railophone 
to  enable  passengers  to  talk  with 
persons  at  a  distance,  there  is,  we  hear, 
some  chance  of  its  providing  mega- 
phones so  that  passengers  sitting  next 
to  one  another  may  converse  and  be 
heard  abpve  the  roar  of  the  train. 

*     :'.: 

Much  has  been  printed  lately  concern- 
ing "  Underwriters'  Risks."  The  risk 
of  over-writing  is  also  great,  to  judge 
by  the  way  in  which  the  sales  of  certain 
of  our  popular  writers  have  fallen  off 
recently.  .,,  .,, 

It  is  rumoured  that  among  the  dis- 
appointed Liberal  applicants  for  the 
office  of  Justice  of  the  Peace  is  one 


DAVID  DAVIES,  of  Dartmoor  and  else- 
where, and  this  in  spite  of  his  consider- 
able experience  of  judicial  procedure. 

In  burgling  circles  very  little  has 
been  discussed  during  the  past  wesk 
except  the  regrettable  occurrence  at 
Weybridge,  where  a  poor  housebreaker, 
feeling  faint  after  he  had  finished  his 
job,  succumbed  to  the  tempt at'on 
afforded  by  some  liqueurs,  and  was  taken 
by  the  police  in  a  drunken  slumber  in 
the  house  where  he  had  been  working. 
It  is  said  that  more  burglars  have  taken 
the  pledge  during  the  last  seven  days 
than  in  any  previous  seven  years. 

"*  * 

"  Wanted  at  once  for  permanent  situ- 
ation as  Trapper,  etc.,"  fays  an  ad- 
vertisement in  The  Moray  and  Xaim 
Express,  "  a  man  of  between  25  and 
35 :  man  who  can  neither  read  nor 
writs  preferred."  We  foresee  a  little 
difficulty  here  in  the  sea'.ch  for  the 
ideal  type.  How  is  the  man  to  read  the 
advertisement  or  write  for  the  post  ? 
Has  that  ancient  pleasantry — "  Tres- 
passers will  be  prosecuted  ;  those  who 
can't  read  apply  at  the  blacksmith's" 
— only  just  penetrated  EO  far  North  ? 
*  * 

Headlines  from  The  Daily  Mail : — 

THE  EMGLISHMAVS  HOME. 
REVOLT   AGAINST  MONOTONOUS    ROWS. 

One  certainly  prefers  variety  in  one's 
domestic  quarrels. 


316 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


USES    OF    THE    FESTIVAL   OF    EMPIRE. 

THOMAS,  I  own  it  is  a  moving  sight ; 

I  understand  your  da/ing  sense  of  stupor 
\VlicMi  >ou  observe  me  in  a  newish  light 

Posturing  as  a  Crystal  Palace  super. 

To  one  who  knows  my  unassuming  ways 

Nothing  beneath  the  sun  could  well  be  droller 

'„  ha  i  my  appearance  in  the  festal  maze, 
A  i  ancient  British  warrior  in  a  bowler. 

Never  before  to-day  have  I  been  seen 
Immersed  in  purely  histrionic  wassails, 

Where  'neath  Londinium's  towers  the  tortured 

green 
Thrills  to  the  megaphone  of  Mr.  LASCELLES. 

Yet  'tis  the  Empire  calls,  and  I  musi  do 
Whate'er  she  asks  me  for  the  Great  Idea  ; 

Must  paint  myself  with  woad  till  all  is  blue, 
And  prance  to  battle  under  BOADICEA. 

And  there  is  Mabel.     I  am  greatly  cheered 
.To  see  her  from  a  local  shrine  emerge  in 
A  picture  headpiece,  having  volunteered 
'•  To  come  and  figure  as  a  Roman  virgin. 

She  serves  Diana's  altar,  I  remark ; 

And,  suiting  that  vocation  so  ascetic,  you  '11 
Notice  her  costume,  fragrant  of  the  Park, 

And,  pendant  at  her  knee,  a  monstrous  reticule. 

Thomas,  if  these  rehearsals  lend  a  flame 

To  mould  the  links  that  Love  so  swiftly  forges 

In  those  conditions,  frank  and  free  of  shame, 
Which  are  the  atmosphere  of  Thespian  orgies, 

Then,  when  the  Pageant,  at  its  final  fling, 
Has  left  us  warriors  lying  dead  by  sections, 

"  Butchered  to  make  "  et  cet.,  I'll  do  a  thing 
Uncontemplated  by  the  stage  directions  : 

I  shall  break  in  upon  her  virgin  rites, 

-.'Where  smoke  ascends  before  the  plaster  idol, 
And,  having^veiled  my  prehistoric  tights, 
Carry  her  off  to  make  a  British  bridal ! 

O.  S. 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 
No.  VIII.— THE   SEAL'S  WEDDING. 

WEN  the  fishes  wonted  to  hav  a  King  they  woodent  hav 
the  wald  becos  he  wos  tu  stupd  he  cood  only  make  spouts 
of  worter  cum  out  of  his  nose  and  then  evrybody  new 
were  he  wos  and  they  woodent  hav  the  shark  becos  he  wos 
tu  crule  he  bites  salers  legs  orf  thers  wun  at  Brighton  gol 
his  leg  bitn  orf  and  people  giv  him  pennes  in  a  tin  mugg. 

Wei   wen  theyd  told   the  wale   and    the    shark    they 
woodent  hav  them  they  sed  lets  chuse  the  seel  and  thej 
chosed  him  dreekly  and  the  seel  wos  King  of  the  Sea  anc 
he  had  a  croun  of  korrils  and  a  neckliss  of  perls  and  his 
septer  wos  made  of  opels  and  emrilds   and  saphias  his 
name  wos  King  Bartiman  the  ferst  and  he  livd  in  a  kristi 
palis  and  wen  he  wonted  to  see  the  wurld  he  got  up  on  a 
rock  and  sat  ther  hiking  all  round  with  his  croun  on  hi 
hed  and  all  his  other  jools  he  wos  a  yerry  magnisfant  King 
and  the  name  of  his  Yizzir  wos  Musterpher  but  the  K 
cald  him  Muster  becos  it  wos  eesier. 

day  Musterpher  kame  to  the  King's  palis  jest  wen 


he  King  wos  geting  out  of  bed  and  he  sed  to  the  King 
,'ood  moining  your  magety. 

Good  morning  Muster  sed  King  Bartiman  wot  dyou 
vont. 

Ive  bin  thinking  your  magety  sed  tha  Vizzir. 

Oh  sed  the  King  wotve  you  bin  thinking  about. 

I  think  your  magety  ort  to  be  getting  man-id  sed 
rlusterpher. 

Wy  sed  the  King  hiking  verry  angry  at  the  same  time 
ont  you  like  me  been  a  batshler. 

No  sed  Musterpher  I  dont  and  sum  peeplo  hav  bin 
orking  about  it. 

Whoos  bin  torking  sed  the  King. 

Wei  sed  Musterpher  the  wales  bin  torking  I  herd  him 
•estday. 

Wen  the  King  herd  this  he  wos  furus  he  tore  round  his 
ialis  and  brok  a  lot  of  hiking  glarses  and  throd  the  sope 
ind  the  spungis  at  Musterpher  but  Musterpher  dident  mind 
ind  at  last  the  King  sed  your  rite  Muster  111  get  marrid ' 
lav  you  got  a  wiph  for  me. 

No  sed  Musterpher  youd  better  clime  up  on  your  rock  and 
>ee  if  you  can  find  wun. 

Wen  the  King  got  up  on  his  rock  he  lukd  round  and  at 
erst  he  sor  nuthing  but  sea  all  round  him  but  he  went  on 
siting  ther  and  they  brort  him  his  brekfus  and  his  dinner  on 
he  rock  and  then  they  brort  him  his  super  and  he  gobbeld 
t  up  quick  sos  not  to  miss  enthing  and  at  last  jest  befor  it 
;ot  dark  he  sor  a  sale  on  the  rizen  and  it  got  biger  and  biger 
nd  wen  it  kame  close  up  to  the  rock  loan  bold  it  wos  the 
ligest  steemer  in  the  wuiid  and  the  King  cald  out  to  it  and 
sed  stop  imegatly  and  the  steemer  stopd. 

Hav  you  got  a  prinsess  on  bord  sed  the  King. 

Yes  we  hav  sed  the  kaptin  wot  about  her. 

I  wont  her  sed  the  King  Im  going  to  marre  her. 

Alrito  sed  the  kaptin  you  can  hav  her  shes  bin  a  lot  of. 
irubble  and  he  told  the  salers  to  thro  her  over  and  the  salers 
sort  hold  of  her  and  thru  her  over. 

Wen  the  King  sor  this  he  jumpd  into  the  sea  to  ketch 
ner  but  the  prinsess  had  a  magic  cap  on  her  hed  and  wen 
she  sor  the  King  dimming  she  changed  herself  into  a  wite 
bear  and  bit  him  becos  she  dident  wont  to  marre  a  seel  and 
then  the  King  changed  hisself  into  a  lion  and  the  prinsess 
bekam  a  tiger  and  so  they  went  on  for  2  hours  and  all  the 
passinjers  on  the  steemer  lukd  on  and  thort  it  grate  fun  and 
Musterpher  kep  on  shouting  to  tin  King  not  to  giv  in  but 
go  on  changing  hisself  as  fast  as  he  cood. 

At  last  all  the  magics  of  the  prinsess  wos  finshd  and  the 
King  kort  her  wen  she  wos  a  parrit  and  he  wos  a  eegil  and 
brort  her  back  to  his  rock  and  she  got  back  to  been  a 
prinsess  and  he  got  back  to  a  seel  and  he  sed  will  you 
marre  me  now. 

No  sed  the  prinsess  I  cant  my  father  made  me  proms 
not  to  marre  a  seel. 

Wei  sed  the  seel  Ive  got  wun  magic  left  111  make  my> 
self  a  prinse  and  then  we  can  be  marrid  alrite  then  he  blu 
3  bios  out  of  his  mouth  and  wen  hed  dun  he  was  a  butifle 
prinse  in  gold  clothses  and  a  velvit  cap  with  a  long  ploom 
and  he  tuk  the  prinsess  in  his  arms  and  flu  thru  the  air  with 
her  they  landed  in  England  and  wer  marrid  on  Munday  with 
grate  joicings  they  never  sor  the  rock  agen  but  the  King 
herd  arfterwads  that  Musterpher  had  got  hisself  made 
King  but  he  and  the  prinsess  dident  care  they  wer  tu  mutsh 
in  luv  and  they  bilt  theirselves  anuther  palis  in  England 
and  livd  ther  with  thir  famly. 

We  greatly  regret  to  learn  from  the  advert  isement  columns 
of  a  daily  contemporary  that  an  "enamelled  seal"  has 
bsenlost  in  the  Zoological  Gardens.  This  looks  like  sheei 
carelessness  on  the  part  of  the  authorities. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAY  3.  1911. 


A    FREE    HAND. 

SPANISH  GENDARME  (to  French  comrade).  "DON'T   LET   ME   EMBARRASS   YOU.     FOR   MYSELF   I 
SHALL  PRESERVE   AN   EXPECTANT  ATTITUDE." 

[See  sp:eoh  of  Spanish  Premier  on  the  Horo?can  imbroglio.] 


MAY  3,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


319 


English  Golfer.  "I  SAY,  COUNT,  YOU'VE  PLAYED  MY  BALL!"        M.  le  Comic.  "JliLLE  PAEDOXS,  M'SIEUR.     'Av  OXE  OK  MIN«." 


FIKST    IMPEESSIONS. 

No.  1. — MY  FIRST  GOLF  MATCH. 
AFTER  MR.  W.  T.   STEAD. 

I  WAS  10  years  old  before  I  ever  saw 
a  bull-fight,  and  55  before  I  first  entered 
a  circus.  I  am  now  62,  but  I  never  saw 
a  golf  match  till  last  Saturday,  when 
Mr.  Bedlam  lured  me  to  Hanger  Hill 
to  see  an  exhibition  game.  (I  have 
not  been  to  a  roller-skating  rink  yet : 
I  am  keeping  that  oxperiense  until  I 
complete  the  span  of  the  Psalmist). 
There  is  a  certain  novelty  about  the 
impressions  produced  on  the  sane  mind 
of  mature  ago  by  sights  familiar  to 
most  people  from  their  childhood,  and 
I  accordingly  jot  down  at  random  the 
thoughts  that  occurred  to  me  as  I 
followed  the  encounter. 

First  of  all  I  was  impressed  by 
the  physique  and  personality  of  the 
combatants — TAYLOU,  sturdy,  ruddy, 
sanguine  and  mercurial,  with  a  pro- 
nounced prognathous  development  and 
of  brachycephalous  type  :  BRAID,  tall, 
dark,  reserved  and  somewhat  sombre  of 
vis.ige;  a  profound  thinker,  I  should 
say,  with  a  strong  turn  for  theology 
and  metaphysics. 

Golf  is  supposed  to  be  a  gentle  game, 
yet  the  tools — the  weapons,  I  prefer  to 


call  them — are  of  a  sinister,  almost  dia- 
bolic appearance.  The  head  of  a  driver, 
when  seen  protruding  from  a  bag,  is 
exactly  like  that  of  a  snake.  There  is 
something  cruel  in  the  very  name  of 
the  mashie,  and  the  sight  of  a  niblick 
reminds  me  of  the  Inquisition.  Starting 
from  the  first  tee,  TAYLOR  hit  the  ball 
a  cruel  blow.  BRAID  responded  with 
an  even  more  vicious  whack,  whirling 
his  club  round  his  head  with  the 
abandon  of  a  dervish.  Then  a  terrible 
thing  happened.  BRAID'S  ball  rolled 
into  a  bunker.  When  he  came  up 
to  it,  his  face  was  black  as  night,  and 
when  he  took  the  niblick  from  his 
caddio  I  confess  I  shuddered  at  the 
thought  that  ho  might  use  it  on  his 
opponent.  But,  with  a  restraint  that 
was  ethically  admirable,  he  concen- 
trated all  his  pent-up  fury  on  the  ball. 
Then  in  a  lightn'ng  flash  I  realised  the 
final  cause  and  true  justification  of  the 
game — as  a  safety-valve  for  the  ele- 
mental passions  of  humanity. 

When  BRAID  had  extricated  the  ball 
from  the  bunker,  his  face  resumed  its 
normal  pensive  expression.  So  later 
on,  when  TAYLOR'S  ball  lodged  in  a  rut, 
and  his  face  became  positively  purple 
with  emotion,  I  trembled  for  BRAID; 
but  my  tremors  were  unfounded. 


Compared  with  bull-fightjfig  or  poll 
which  I  hope  to  witness  on  my  80th 
birthday — golf  is  an  unexciting  game. 
Only  once  was  a  player  temporarily 
placed  hois  de  combat,  and  that 
was  when,  a  supporting  brace  hav- 
ing given  way,  an  improvised  sub- 
stitute for  a  waist-belt  was  needed 
to  keep  the  nether  garment  in  its 
place. 

The  bearing  of  the  spectators  filled 
me  with  amazement,  their  silence  re- 
calling that  of  a  Quakers'  meeting. 
Once  a  shiver  ran  through  the  crowd 
when  BRAID  missed  a  short  putt,  but 
otherwise  they  kept  their  feelings 
absolutely  under  control.  One  feature 
of  the  game  struck  me  as  profoundly 
touching.  While  BRAID  (a  Scotsman) 
wore  a  Norfolk  jacket,  TAYLOR  (who 
hails  from  Devonshire)  was  clad  in 
Harris  tweeds.  And  they  both  of 
them  played  with  balls  of  a  pattern 
which,  I  am  assured,  had  its  origin 
in  the  inventive  genius  of  Americans. 
This  tribute  to  the  solidarity  of  the 
Scoto-Anglo-American  entente  I  regard 
as  the  most  refreshing  lesson  of  my 
visit  to  Hanger  Hill.  Next  week  I  am 
to  see  a  game  of  poker  for  the  first 
time,  and  I  hope  that  my  impressions 
will  be  equally  reassuring. 


320 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


ARTISTIC   LIGHTING   OF   LARGE   TOWNS. 

A   FEW  SUGGESTIONS  TO  OUR  CITY   FATHERS. 


THE  CANDLESTICK 
SCHEME. 


THE  FAMOUS  STATESMAN        THE  PHYSICAL  CULTURE 
DESIGN.  PATTERN. 


THE  VENUS 
DI  MILO. 


THE  CUP  TIE  HBRO 
STYLE. 


SALUT  A   LA  JEUNESSE. 

(AFTER  WALT  WHITMAN.) 

Queen's  Club,  April  19—22. 
WHOEVER  you  are ! 
You  young  and  natural  persons  ! 

You  fine-profiled  Etonian !    You  fair-hair'd  Wykehamist ! 
You  Carthusian !  Harrovian !    Haileyburian  !    Malvernian  ! 
You  Radleian  of  Eadley !     You  Tonbridgian  ! 
You  Cheltonian  and  Cliftonian  from  the  West !     (I  too  am 

an  old  Cliftonian.) 
You  voisin  of  the  Abbey ! 
You  stripling  from  the  downs  of  Wiltshire  ! 
You  latent  fighter  from  Wellington  !     You  Bugbeian  ! 
To  you  the  first  honours !      (I   got   this    list   from    The 

Sportsman.) 
Eleves,  I  salute  you. 

O  crowding  me  closely  and  still  more  closely ! 

0  infusing  in  me  the  tempo  of  your  lusty  bravuras ! 
This  would  be  a  tame  show  if  it  weren't  for  you. 

1  hear  the  same  old  indiscriminate  applause ; 
I  hear  you  acclaim  your  comrades'  victory — 

Or  if  your  side  loses  you  cheer  all  the  louder,  to  drown  the 

other  fellows. 
(How  resumt  it  all  is  !) 
I  hear  you  acclaim  every  ace  won,  by  whatever  kind  of 

shot; 

Acclaim  the  crashing  half- volley  stroke,  just  above  the  board ; 
Acclaim  the  swift,  heavily-cut  service,  that  drops  from  the 

back-wall  like  a  stone,  or  pitches  dead  in  the  nick  ; 
Acclaim  the  mis-hit  off  the  wood,  correlative  in  value  to  the 

subtlest  "  drop  " 

(All  these  you  acclaim,  and  the  last  more  loudly  than  any). 
I  hear  the  marker  twanging  out  the  score— what  a  croupier 

he  would  make ! 
I  see  him  ever  and  again  doling  out  superb  racket-balls,  for 

which  somebody  (probably  a  parent)  will  have  to 

pay  a  superb  price ; 
I  see  past  and  present  giants  of  the  game  in  the  foremost 

cunei ! 


I  see  the  referee  in  the  middle,  and  the  two  umpires  on 

either  side  of  him  ; 
I  see  WEBBE,    ASHWORTH,    BAEBLEIN,    MILES,    DAMES- 

LONGWOBTH,  NOEL  and  the  Hon.  C.  N.  BRUCE. 
I  see  also  three  of  the  incomparable  feuillage  of  FOSTERS  ; 
I  see  strong-brawned  professori,  keenly  these  limber-hipped 

young  champions  in  embryo  watching  ; 
For  instance,  "  JUDY,"  LAKER,  CEOSBIE,  HAWES,  WILLIAMS, 

JAMSETJEE ; 
I  see  majestic,  bsarded  habitues  (say,  old  top-knot,  what 

was  your  school  ?) ; 
I  see  industrious  journalists  ticking  off  the  service-runs 

(one  player  made  twelve  aces  in  a  single  hand,  but 

oh,  is  that  the  best  part  of  rackets?) — 
All  this  I  see ; 

And  yet,  what  urged  and  impelled  me  hither, 
The  ball   (mark  you,  this  too  is   "  standard "   now),   the 

game,  the  cunning  foot- work  in  taking  the  service, 
The  lightning  kill  off  the  back-wall, 
The  placing  down  the  side-wall, 
All  the  spontaneous  joys  and  thrills  of  this  superb  pastime 

(mercy,  how  the  flukes  splash  !) — 
These  I  have  to  take   for  granted,  I  up  here  in  arricre, 

playing  cache-cache  amidst  the  en-masse  ; 
I  must  content  myself  with  interior  vistas  (enough !) ; 
I  can  but  listen, 

Can  but  imagine,  fear,  hope,  despond,  exult,  shout, 
Myself  and  my  neighbours,  our  voices  orotund  and  rever- 
berant. 

Allans  !    The  match  is  over  ! 

A  little  time  vocal,  and  then — camarado,  I  give  vou  m  v  hand ! 

So  long ! 

From  a  foreign  contemporary : 

"  If  a  fine  well  educaded  (prefered  musical  dam)  wants  to  take  position 
in  a  fine  country-family  withaut  children  to  accompany  the  mrs  and 
give  lessons  in  her  own  language  ;  she  is  asked  to  drop  a  hire  to 
-Mrs.  — ,  Fjarrcstadsgard." 

We  hope  some  great  painter  will  record  the  first  meeting 
between  the  dam  and  the  mrs. 


MAY  3,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    SIMPLE    LIFE. 

"AnB  you  doing  anything  to- 
morrow ? "  said  my  friend  Horace 
St.  George  Fitzroy  de  Vero  Beau- 
champ. 

"  I  expect  I  shall-  do  something,"  I 
said  cautiously. 

"  Come  and  lunch  with  me  at  the 
Automohilo  Club.  Have  you  seen  it 
yet  ?  " 

"  Only  from  the  outside,  when 
trudging  to  my  Fhus." 

"  Well,  come  early,  and  I  '11  show 
you  the  inside.  Come  about  twelve." 

"Eight,"  I  said,  " I  shall  be  there  in 
my  automobile." 

I  was  a  little  late  the  next  day, 
however,  as  my  automobile  (a  Putney 
ono)  refused  to  take  me  further  than 
Waterloo  Place,  and  I  had  to  make 
the  rest  of  the  journey  on  foot.  Horace 
St.  George,  beautifully  dressed,  but 
looking  extremely  small  on  the  horizon, 
was  waiting  for  me  among  the  marble 
pillars  of  the  entrance  hall. 

"  I  suppose  you  're  sure  this  is  your 
little  club,"  I  asked.  "  We  haven't 
met  at  the  Louvre  by  mistake?" 

"  Come  along,"  he  said,  and  I  fol- 
lowed him  nervously  downstairs  to  the 
garage,  where  we  tethered  my  hat  and 
stick.  With  these  gone  I  felt  shabbier 
than  ever. 

"  Now  then,"  began  Horace,  "  wbat 
about  a  bath  ?  " 

I  could  see  what  it  was.  He  wasn't 
satisfied  with  me. 

"  If  it 's  the  rale,"  I  said  doubtfully, 
" and  you  insist,' of  course  I  will;  but 
I  've  only  got  these  clothes  to  put  on 
again." 

"  I  meant  a  swim,"  he  hastened  to 
explain. 

"  Oh,  I  see,"  I  said,  extremely 
relieved.  "  Eight  you  are." 

"Or  suppose  we  have  a  game  of 
squash  first,  and  a  swim  afterwards? 
Or  would  you  like  to  try  the  rifle 
range  ?  " 

"  You  did  ask  me  down  for  the  day, 
didn't  you  ?  Let 's  do  it  all." 

We  did  it  all.  By  the  time  we  were 
dressed  again  it  was  two  o'clock. 

"  Lunch,"  said  Horace.  "  Shall  we 
go  to  the  restaurant,  or  to  one  of  the 
club  dining-rooms,  or " 

"  Which  is  nearest  ?  "  I  asked.  "  I 
don't  want  to  walk  very  far." 

We  set  out  briskly  and  arrived  at 
the  restaurant  with  a  splendid  appetite. 
We  lunched  amidst  rare  old  tapestries 
and  to  the  sound  of  sweet  music. 

"Now,"  said  Horace,  "what  would 
jou  like  to  do?" 

By  this  time  I  was  beginning  to 
understand  the  spirit  of  the  place. 

"  Let 's  go  down  to  the  archery 
butts,"  I  suggested, "  and  put  on  a  fev,- 


Young  Lady.   "EDWARD  AMU  I  HAVE  IJEEX  ADMIRINU  voi'K  iii'siiASo'a  LOVELY 

I   SUWOSE   HE  JUST  PAINTS  AWAY  OUT  OF   HIS   HEADt" 

Artist's  Wife.  "No,  INDEED  I    HE  ALWAYS  TAKES  THE  TROUBLE  TO  HAVE  THE  THINO  HE 

IS   PAINTINO    IN    FRONT    OF    HIM,    BE    IT    EVER   SO   SLIGHT.      FOR   INSTANCE,    THIS    MOKM.NG    I 
WAS  SITTING  TO   HIM   FOR   A  SHADOW/" 


golds.  And  after  that  I  should  like  to 
have  a  game  of  shinty." 

Horace  was  willing,  but  a  little 
doubtful  as  to  the  way.  We  made 
enquiries ;  and,  passing  a  signpost 
which  said,  "  Billiard  room,  3  miles — 
Card  room,  2,"  turned  sharp  to  the  left 
at  the  bezique  courts,  kept  the  lacrosse 
sheds  well  on  our  right,  and  arrived  at 
last  on  the  archery  ground. 

I  suppose  it  was  the  lunch,  but,  any- 
how, I  was  not  in  my  usual  form.  I 
never  got  a  gold  at  all — only  a  couple  or 


so  of  yellow  ochres.  Horace  was  even 
worse.  Once  in  the  shinty  tents,  how- 
ever, we  made  up  for  all  this,  and  a 
fiercely  contested  match  ended  in  my 
favour  by  the  odd  set  in  five. 

"  I  should  like  another  swim,"  I  said, 
"  Have  you  only  the  one  bath  in  your 
club?" 

Horace  had  to  confess  that  this  was 

so,  but  he  was  very  nice  about  it.     He 

promised  to  complain  to  the  committee. 

.  It  is  a  long  and  difficult  way  from  the 

|  shinty  tents  to  tho  ono  swimming  bath, 


322 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


particularly  as  there  are,  at  present,  n 

(  telegraph  poles  to  steer  by.     However 

j  I  made  the  attempt,  with   the  resul 

that  when  I  found  Horace  again  I  wa 

thoroughly  worn  out. 

"I   must   have    absolute    rest    nn' 
quiet  for  a  little,"  I  said. 

"  So  must  I,"  he  agreed.    "  Let 's  g 
to  the  silence  room." 

We  joined    a    well-equipped    part) 
which   was    making    a   dash   for   th 
library,  said  good-bye  to  them  there 
and  pushed  on   to   the   silence  room 
Not  a  sound  penetrated   the   massive 
walls  and  the  thick  carpet.    The  carpe 
indeed  was  so  luxurious   that  I  com 
pletely  lost    Horace    in  it    for  somi 
minutes,  fortunately  spying  the  top  o 
his  head  just  when  I  was  giving  up 
hope,  and  dragging  him  by  the  hair  t< 
a  place  of  safety.     Thereafter  we  slep 
till  tea. 

I  am  not  sure  where  we  had  tea.     '. 
think  it  was  brought  to  us  in  the  An 
Gallery.    We  had  a  round  on  the  nine 
hole  course  afterwards ;  and  then,  while 
Horace  put  in  an  hour  with  the  marker 
at  the  ludo  pits,  I  had  my  hair  cut,  am 
turned  into  the  Cinematograph  Theatre 
We  dined  in  the  Italian  gardens  am 
danced  in  the  ball-room  till  midnight. 

"  Well,"  said  Horace,  "  what  do  you 
think  of  it  ?  " 

"  It's  a  cosy  little  club,"  I  said,  "but 
I  don't  feel  I've  really  explored  it  yet 
You  must  ask  me  for  the  week-enc 
next  time.  For  one  thing  I  want  to 
see  where  you  all  keep  your  auto 
mobiles." 

"  You  ought  to  join." 
"  Well,  the  fact  is  I  am  rather  shorl 
of  automobiles  just  for  the  moment 
My  aunt  has  an  automobile  veil,  if  you 
think  I  could  get  in  on  that.  But  thank 
you  for  a  very  delightful  day,  Horace 
You  must  come  and  stay  with  me  at 
the  Stores  some  time." 

"You're  sure  there's  nothing  else 
you  'd  Kke  to  do  ?  It 's  quite  early." 

As  a  matter  of  fact  there  was  some- 
thing. I  hesitated  a  moment,  and  then 
decided  to  take  the  plunge. 

"Horace,"  I  said,  "it's  a  magnificent 

lub.      Do    you    think" — I    hesitated 

again— "dp  you  think   I   might" — I 

sank  my  voice  to  a  whisper — "  er — might 

I  smoke  a  pipe  in  it  ?  "          A.  A.  M. 

"  INTERCOLLEGIATE  REGATTA. 
The  Oxford  defeated   the   Cambridge  by  2* 
engths."— Maitfhitr.'a  Daily  News. 

The  Oxford  was  stroked  by  CHIKQWIN, 
lie  White-Eyed  Kaffir  —  a  EHODES 
Scholar. 

"BoilingOwls,4/-apair."— Hearth  and  Home. 
lence  the  expression  :  "  looking  liie  a 
soiled  owl." 


MR.  PUNCH'S  SUPPLEMENT. 

III.— THE  Music  HALL. 
THE  decision  to  give  in  Edinburgl 
a  gala  music-hall  performance  to  tl 
KING  and  QUEEN  after  the  Coronation 
ha.s   drawn   every  eye  to  the   varietj 
boards.    The  time  then  is  opportune  fo 
a  survey  of  this  increasingly  popula 
form  of  alleged  entertainment. 

HISTORY. 

The  origin  of  the  music-hall  is  losi 
in  the  mists  of  prehistoric  antiquity 
but  its  existence  can  be  traced  back 
several  thousand  years  B.C.  Dr 
ARTHUR  EVANS,  while  excavating  a 
Cnossus,  in  Crete,  placed  it  beyonc 
doubt  that  the  Labyrinth  was  a  music- 
hall,  and  the  Minotaur  a  monstre 
comique.  SEMIRAMIS  is  believed  by  the 
most  learned  German  historians  to 
have  been  a  bare-back  rider,  am 
THEODORA,  the  wife  of  JUSTINIAN,  wac 
the  VESTA  TILLEY  of  her  age,  thus 
showing  at  an  early  epoch  the  close 
relations  which  have  always  prevailec 
between  the  Bar  and  the  Stage.  Music- 
halls  have  not  been  confined  to  one 
country  or  nation,  but  have  flourished 
all  over  the  .world.  There  was  an 
Alhambra  in  Spain,  *  a  Tivoli  in  the 
Campagna,  and  a  Coliseum  in  Eome 
centuries  before  their  names  were 
associated  with  the  palatial  structures 
which  adorn  our  Metropolis.  The 
famous  dynasty  of  Moss  had  its  original 
seat  at  Mosul  in  Mossopotamia,  where 
the  original  Mossoleum  still  stands;  but 
the  Iceland  Mosses  have  also  long  been 
famous  in  pharmaceutical  circles.  The 
name  music-hall  has  been  cited  as 
the  most  perfect  example  of  the  kind 
of  nomenclature  to  which  the  term 
lue-us  a  non  lucendo  is  applied,  and  it  is 
noteworthy  that  in  one  of  his  rare  lapses 
into  inspired  waggery  the  late  JOHN 
MILTON  emphasized  this  point  in  the 
phrase,  "  most  music-hall,  most  melan- 
choly," which  later  found  a  counter- 
part in  BUSKIN'S  phrase,  "  all  the 
agonies  of  a  pantomime." 

MANAGEMENT. 

The  motto  of  the  music-hall  is  "  one 

;ood  turn  deserves  another— but  rarely 

jets  it."     Clever  managers  are  careful 

;o  mix  the  bad  with  the  indifferent  and 

;o  get  as  few  good  things  as  possible. 

3y  a  curious  psychical  operation  that 

has  never  been  rightly  explained,  the 

nembers  of  every  music-hall  audience 

elinquish    their   taste    and  judgment 

automatically  as  they  pass  iiie  pay-box, 

and  then  everything  that  they  sea  seems 

o  them  equally  meritorious  and  attrac- 

ive.     This  is  peculiarly  true  of  writers 

f  notices   for   the  press.      Hence   it 


would  be  a  waste  of  time  and  money 
for  managers  to  obtain  real  talent. 
This  explains  tliei  success  of  a  host 
of  performers  at  tl'ie  present  day  from 
whom,  were  audiences  not  hypnotised, 
they  would  run  shrieking.  Now  and 
then,  however,  it  chances  by  an  acci- 
dent that  a  decent  performer  creeps  in; 
but  were  he  to  disappear  no  one  would 
really  miss  him. 

It  should  be  added  that  the  great 
managers  are  all  men  of  remarkable 
culture.  Thus  Mr.  OSWALD  STOLL  has 
written  one  of  the  most  luminous  com- 
mentaries extant  on  HERBERT  SPEN- 
CER'S Synthetic  Philosophy,  while  Mr. 
ALFRED  BUTT'S  occasional  excursions 
into  eschatology  are  greeted  with  rap- 
ture at  the  University  of  Tubingen. 

TERMINOLOGY. 

A  male  music  -  hall  performer  is 
called  an  "  artist,"  and  a  female  an 
"  artiste."  The  .old  theory  that  an 
artist  was  a  fellow  who  painted  pictures 
has  entirely  broken  down.  A  quick- 
change  performer  is  called  "  A  Protean 
artist."  A  dancing  girl  is  "  The  rage  of 
Paris,"  but  whether  Paris  was  in  a  rage 

10  see  her,  or  because  it  had  seen  her, 
is  never  stated. 

Most  artistes,  it  may  be  added,  have 
lames  beginning  with  Z,  such  as  ZJEO, 
ZAZEL,  ZENA,  ZQJJA,  ZOE,  The  names 
of  MOZART  and  TENNYSON  are  familiar 
:o  music-hall  frequenters,  but  HOMER, 
VIRGIL  and  LUCRETIUS  are  unaccount- 
ably absent. 

SEHIOS. 

Serious  singers  wear  evening  dress, 
>articularly    at   matinees :    hence   the 
epithet  "dashing."     The  visitor  who 
was   asked    to   fill    up    a    Confession 
Album,    and    against    "  The   sweetest 
word  I  know  "  wrote  "  Exit,"  had  just 
>een  listening  to  a  serious  singer.     For 
ihe  most   part  they  are  employed  by 
distillers  and  brewers,   who    pay   the 
music-hall  management  to  allow  them 

0  sing.      The    worst    of    all    at    the 
>resent   moment  are— [No   advertise- 
ments permitted.     ED.] 

COMEDIANS. 

The  ordinary  music-hall  comedian  is 

1  Cockney  comedian.     He  wears  a  bad 
lat  and  worse  clothes,  smacks  his  leg 
frith   a  tiny   cane,    and    sings    about 
Irink.     There   are   also   comedians   of 

11  nationalities,  which  are  easily  de- 
ected.    Scotch  comedians  have  twisted 
valking-sticks    and    refer    to    lassies. 
Lancashire    comedians    say     "  roon " 
nstead  of  "  run,"  but  otherwise  are  like 
omedians    from    any   other    country. 
Entente   cordiale   comedians   sing  too 

many   songs.     Eustic   comedians   say 
"oi"    instead    of    "me,"   as   in    real 


PUNCH,   OK  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


323 


Mother.    "WHY    HAVE   YOU    LEFT  THE  OTHERS  !     WHAT  DO   YOU    WANT,    DEAIiJ" 

Little  Girl.  "I've  COME  HERE  BECAUSE  ELLA'S  so  AUULAVATIS'  (a pause).  AT  LEAST,  SHE  WILL  BE  WHEN  SUE  USDS  I've  BBOKEN 

THE   LEO   OFF   HER  NEW   DOLL." 


country  life.  American  comedians 
say  "  Look-a-here."  Jewish  comedians 
wear  bowler  hats  over  their  ears. 
Australian  comedians  seldom  learn  any- 
thing new.  There  are  no  Norfolk 
comedians. 

SAUSAGES. 

This  article  of  food,  without  some 
reference  to  which  no  music-hall 
comedian  is  really  funny,  is  of  ancient 
origin.  HERODOTUS  mentions  some- 
thing of  the  kind,  but  the  first  allusion 
to  the  sausage  more  or  less  as  we  know 
it  (or  do  not  know  it)  now  is  in 
COPERNICUS.  The  Germans,  always  so 
ingenious,  brought  sausage-making  to 
a  high  art,  and  it  was  the  favourite 
food  of  HANS  HOLBEIN,  who  introduced 
it  to  the  Court  of  HENRY  VIII., 
\vlion  he  arrived  here  from  Augsburg  in 
15120.  It  is  said  that  he  was  so 
addicted  to  sausages  that  he  could  not 
paint  without  one,  and  sometimes 
would  absent-mindedly  employ  it  as 
a  mahl- stick.  While  painting  the 
"Duchess  of  Milan"  he  consumed 
eight  dozen  of  the  best. 

Any  reference  to  sausages,  particu- 


larly in  association  with  dogs  or  the 
word  mystery,  convulses  the  audience 
in  every  hall.  Hence,  since  man  is 
an  imitative  animal,  one  gets  plenty 
of  it. 

THE  DANCE. 

The  Christian  patron  of  the  Dance  is 
of  course  ST.  Virus,  a  holy  man  who 
made  his  way  through  life  with  some 
very  odd  steps  in  the  fifth  century. 
There  had  been  dances  before,  but  ST. 
VITUS  brought  the  art  before  the  public. 

At  the  present  moment  the  fashion  is 
for  Slavonic  or  Russian  dancing,  which, 
when  the  performers  can  be  induced  to 
perform  together  and  bury  their  private 
hatchets,  can  be  very  effective. 

SKETCHES. 

The  sketch  is  a  play,  either  original 
or  a  condensation  of  an  old  drama, 
which  may  not  by  law  last  for  more 
than  twenty  minutes  and  never  lasts 
less  than  half-an-hour. 

IMITATORS. 

The  music-hall  imitator  is  the  only 
form  of  pickpocket  who  is  not  locked 
up. 


"  It  is  almost  needless  to  state  that  the  sew- 
ing of  kitchen  garden  seeds  is  now  in  full 
swing. " —  Ganteniiig -Vo'es  t» ' '  Alloa  Journal. " 

We    have    certainly    beard    of  some 
vegetable  patches  being  "  darned." 


"The  Baltic  sailed  for  New  York  on  Saturday, 
having  on  lojrd  Colonel  and  Mrs.  Buchanan, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Waldo  Fettiugill,  and  various 
others."—  The  Wi.rU. 

We  are  glad  these  "various  others" 
were  there  too,  if  only  for  ballast. 

"  Lord  Salisbury,  who  has  not  been  very  well, 
is  taking  a  motoring  tour  in  the  South  of 
France,  by  way  of  recruiting  kit  health," — The 
World. 

Without  the  assistance  of  this  last 
phrase  we  should  never  have  guessed 
his  Lordship's  motive,  so  we  have  great 
pleasure  in  putting  it  into  italics. 

From  a  testimonial : — 

"After  the  second  treatment  she  walked 
downstairs  one  foot  at  a  time.  She  has  not 
been  able  to  walk  downstairs  before  in  the 
past  five  years,  except  by  stepping  down  on 
each  step  with  one  foot  at  a  time.  This  is  re- 
markable. Send  five  more  boxes." 
The  old  jumping  days  of  six  years  ago 
seem  to  be  over. 


324 


PUNCH,  'OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


IRISH    ABSTINENCE. 

Colonel  at  rigimcntal  races  (entertaining  some  farmers}.   "WELL,  WHAT  WILL  You  ALL  HAVE?" 

Spokesman.  "THERE'LL  BE  THREE  WHISKEYS,  YEB  HONOUR,   AXD  THE  OTHER  TWO'S  TAYTOTALEBS  ;   THEY'LL  JUST  BE  TAKIX' 

A  SHl'OT  AV  WISE."  - 


DISCOVERED-A   SUPER-HERO. 

TELL  me  no  more  the  toils  oi  Hercules ! 

Truca  to  the  triumphs  that  were  ALEXANDER'S  1 
Praise  me  no  mariners  that  scoured  the  seas, 

Nor  saints  o(  sinless  life  who  feared  no  slanders  1 
I  have  unearthed  a  paragon  by  whom 
Their  record  is  as  dust,  their  ancient  bloom 
The  fodder  of  Oblivion's  vacuum  broom — 

A  gentleman  named  SAUNDERS. 

Fame  with  the  silver  bugle  at  her  lips 

Hath  not  announced  him  yet,  but  here  I  warn  her ; 
The  stars  are  unaware  of  their  eclipse ; 

Too  headless  of  the  splendours  that  adorn  her, 
Earth  has  resounded  not  from  coast  to  coast, 
But  I  have  seen  him  in  Thz  Morning  Post, 
Page  5  (while  I  was  buttering  some  toast) — 
The  left-hand  bottom  corner. 

Wisdom  is  his  undoubtedly,  and  worth  ; 

The  day  that  brought  him  forth  was  bright  and  sunny  ; 
The  gods,  the  Muses,  smiled  upon  his  birth, 

And  well-to-do  connections  gave  him  money ; 
He  is  a  man,  I  think,  of  savoirfaire, 
"With  courage  to  endure,  with  nerves  to  dare ; 
I  wonder  if  his  brows  are  lorn  of  hair 

Through  efforts  to  be  funny  ? 


It  matters  not.     In  all  this  earthly  zone, 

Ay,  and  the  vault  above  and  'neath  the  blue's  ooze 

He  hath  no  counterpart,  he  stands  alone 
The  most  miraculous  of  Nature's  hisus. 

I  ask  not  of  his  race  or  rank  or  creed, 

The  articles  on  which  he  likes  to  feed, 

His  clubs,  his  recreations ;  I  've  no  need 

To  hunt  him  up  in  IVJio  's  WJio  's. 

I  shall  not  clasp  him  by  the  kingly  hand, 

Nor  meet  his  steadfast  eyes — not  if  I  know  it — • 

His  eyes  beneficent  and  mild  and  bland, 
I  do  but  take  the  trump  for  him  and  blow  it ; 

I  sing  how  great,  how  glorious  he  must  be, 

How  handsome,  how  impeccable,  for  ha 

Has  gained  the  heart  of  PHYLLIS  BROWN,  and  she 

Eefused  the  humble  poet.  EVOE. 


"'\VATSOMAX  CLUB  OF  GEBMAXY.— Mr.  Leslie  K.  Grant,  who 
held  the  combined  offices  of  President,  Secretary,  and  Committee 
is  the  founder  of  the  alove  Club.  Mr.  Grant,  who  is  also  the  only 
member,  was  Captain  of  the  Shooting  VIII.  last  year."— The  Ifatsonian. 

Later  on  a  hope  is  expressed  that  Mr.  GRANT  will  continue 
to  hold  office  for  another  year.     As  long  as  he  takes  care 
not  to  vote  against  himself  by  mistake  his  re-election  to  all  I 
these  posts  should  be  assured. 


PUNCH,   OB  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAY  3,  1911. 


LATE    AGAIN. 

BPKINQ.  "HARK I    DO  I  HEAR  THE  BUDGET?" 

VOICE  PROM  TREE.  "  CUCK-00 ! " 

SPUING.  "YES,  YES,  I  KNOW.     BUT  WHERE  IS  MY  OTHER  SO-CALLED  HARBINGER?1 


MAY  3.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


PLEASE     COUNT 
YOUR  MONEY   BEFORE 
LEAVING  THE   BOX    NO 
MISTAKES  CORKtmD  rt«U 


STOPPED  our 
ANY   MEMBEB 

CLIMBING  TH.S  BARRJER 
SHILLINGS   fOR  ANY 


PAYMENT  OF   MEMBERS. 
An  Anticipation  of  tlie  Socnc  in  the  Queue  on  Pay  Night  at  the  Hjuse  of  Commons. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(E.XTIIACTEI)  FKOM  THE  DlARY  OP  ToDV,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  April 
24th. — Much  preliminary  trumpeting 
about  important  debate  to  be  raised 
to-day  on  amendment  by  ULSTER 
Member,  designed  to  put  Home  Rule 
out  of  category  of  consequences  that 
may  follow  on  Commons  freeing  them- 
selves from  yoke  of  Lords.  A  dreary 
affair.  House  not  to  be  stirred  even 
by  LOMSDALB'S  announcement  that, 
should  Parliament  add  a  Home  Eule 
Bill  to  the  Statute  Book,  men  of  Ulster, 
loyal  law-abiding  citizens  pur  sang, 
will  not  recognise  the  decree.  In  spite 
of  appearances  House  is,  after  all,  a 
business  assembly.  Pretty  certain  at- 
tempt, will  be  made  next  year  to  pass 
Homo  Rule  Bill.  That,  Members  feel, 
will  l)e  proper  occasion  for  discussing 
the  subject.  Simple  waste  of  time  to 
maunder  round  it  now. 


Nevertheless,  since  something  ex- 
pected, PREMIER  delivered  a  speech,  and 
Prince  ARTHUR  answered  it.  Midway 
in  latter  address,  little  incident  hap- 
pened which  throws  gleam  of  light  on 
temper  of  House  and  character  of 
discussion.  In  course  of  argument 
Prince  ARTHUR  emphatically  declared, 
"  I  know  that  I  am  speaking  the 
absolute  truth,  truth  in  which  honour- 
able gentlemen,  wherever  they  sit  in 
this  House,  will  agree." 

'  Here  Ministsrialists   broke   in  with 
persistent  cries  of  "  No,  no ! " 

"  Why,"  cried  Prince  ARTHUR,  with 
amazed  look  bent  on  scene  of  uproar, 
"  you  have  not  heard  it.  Let  me  tell 
you  what  it  is." 

This  he  proceeded  to  do,  and-' Minis- 
terialists again  loudly  voiced  dissent. 
Would  have  saved  time  and  been  equally 
effective  if  Prince  ARTHUR  had  accepted 
denial  of  a  statement  not  yet  made. 

Effort    from    either    Front    Bench 


equally  tame,  falling  flat  on  audience 
anxious  only  to  get  Division  over  and 
so  to  dinner.  This  desire  accomplished 
by  convenient  hour  of  eight  o'c'ock. 
Thereafter,  a  quorum  keeping  the  bridge 
whilst  others  dined  under  promise  to  be 
back  in  good  time.  House  sat  up  all 
night  with  querulous  Clause  2. 

Whilst  politicians  squabble  at  West- 
minster, Ireland,  hapless  Cinderella  of 
a  loveless  family,  still  kneels  by 
her  cold  hearth  and  laments  her 
sorrows.  Fresh  one  brought  out  to- 
day by  Mr.  SHEEHY.  Told  in  simple 
language,  it  depicts  deplorable  state  of 
things  in  remote  country  town  whose 
musical  name  suggests  vision  of  idyllic 
harmony.  Upon  Drumree,  County 
Me.it  h,  lavish  nature  has  bestowed  two 
citizens  of  the  family  name  of  Fox.  To 
further  complicate  matters  both  follow 
sporting  profession  of  jobmaster.  When 
i  letters  or  telegrams  addressed  "  Fox, 
Drumree"  reach  the  post-office,  what 


328 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


is  the  hopeless  postmaster  to  do  ?  Mr. 
SHKEHY  more  than  insinuated  that 
"THOMAS  GEKAOHTY  "  (you  should  have 
heard  him  roll  out  the  syllables),  "  post- 
master of  Drumree,  County  Meath," 
not  being  on  friendly  terms  with  one  of 
|  the  FOXES,  invariably  handed  over  to 
the  other  the  correspondence  thus  ad- 
dressed. 

POSTMASTER  - GENERAL,  bound  to 
support  a  subordinate  officer  of  his 
department,  attempted  to  justify  the 
procedure.  Since  the  SPEAKER  was  not 
likely  to  submit  motion  for  adjourn- 
ment in  ordar  to  deal  with  question  as 
one  of  urgent  public  importance,  there 
was  no  appeal.  But  incident  left  un- 
pleasant impression.  At  a  time  when 
the  cry  of  "  Peace,  Peace  "  rings 
through  two  hemispheres,  Members 
don't  like  to  think  of  Drumree  rent  in 
twain  by  this  feud  of  the  FOXES  with 
Mr.  GERAGHTY  taking  a  prejudiced 
hand  in  the  game. 

Business  done. — Sat  till  daybreak  did 
appear,  wrestling  with  Clause  2  of 
Parliament  Bill. 

Wednesday.  —  Depressing  influence 
of  friendly  relations  established  be- 
tween Irish  Nationalists  and  His 
Majesty's  Ministers  dolefully  apparent 
in  tofting  down  of  exuberance  below 
Gangway  on  Opposition  side.  ..Never 
more  the  sudden  flash  of  humour  or 
paradox  that  in  other  days  from  time 
to  time  illumined  monotony  of  Saxon 
debate.  To-day  produces  its  gem, 
faultless  in  shape  and  colour,  priceless 
in  value. 

It  was  Mr.  O'SHEE,  of  whom  the 
House  knows  little,  that  placed  it  under 
this  heavy  obligation.  The  unsuspected 
gem  had  a  setting  worthy  its  brilliancy. 
It  seems  there  lived  in  former  days  in 
Old  Parish,  County  Waterford,  one 
MICHAEL  VEALDE,  a  tenant  farmer. 
Difficulty  about  payment  of  "  rint " 
arising,  he  was  evicted,  and  the  farm 
left  desolate,  moul  lering  to  decay. 
There  were  subtle  touches  in  Mr. 
O'SHEE'S  prose  that  recalled  anot.icr 
picture  limned  for  all  time  by 
TENNYSON  : 

The  broken  sheds  look'd  sad  and  strange : 
Unlifted  was  the  clinking  latch  ; 
Weeded  and  worn  the  ancient  thatch 

Upon  the  lonely  moated  grange. 

Something  more  fleshly  than  the 
hand  of  Time  being  suspected  in  con- 
nection with  the  quickening  of  the 
ruin  of  the  farm  buildings,  they  were 
placed  under  special  police  protection. 
It  happened  by  strange  coincidence 
that  on  a  certain  day  when  the  police 
were  on  protection  duty  at  the  farm 
a  case  of  housebreaking  occurred  in 
neighbouring  hamlet  and  property  was 
stolen.  What  Mr.  O'SHEE  wanted  to 
know  was  "  whether  the  police  have  any 


time  left  to  protect  the  property  of  the 
general  community  when  their  servicss 
are  requisitioned  to  preserve  the  grass 
on  derelict  farms  where  there  are  no 
cattle  to  graze  the  same."  The 
phrasing  is  a  little  obscure,  but  its 
meaning  may  be  guessed. 

The  Ministerial  minion  who  represents 
Dublin  Castle  having  made  reply  fami- 
liar in  such  circumstances,  Mr.  0  SHEE, 
relentlessly  pursuing  him,  insisted  upon 
knowing  why  the  cost  of  special  police 
protection  was  incurred  on  account  of 
a  farm  "  u-licn  the  only  living  animals 
on  it  arc  seagulls  that  fly  over  it." 

Been  long  accustomed  to  hold  that  the 
most  perfect  bull  ever  trotted  through 
the  House  of  Commons  was  the  pro- 


"Gone  to  the  top  of  tlie  tree  and  caught  a 
very  large  fish." 

(LORD  HALSBURY.) 

perty  of  Sir  WILLIAM  HART-DYKE, 
known  to  wide  circle  of  old  friends 
as  BILLY  DYKE.  Made  its  appearance 
in  debate  on  one  of  JIMMY  LOWTHER'S 
Annual  motions  for  repealing  Standing 
Order  tor!)  M, ling  Tee.p  to  take  part  in 
parliamentary  election^  JIMMY  had 
cited  a  case  in  which  it  was  alleged 
that  no  less  a  person  than  the  LORD 
CHANCELLOR — HALSBURY,  to  wit — had, 
on  the  eve  of  a  by-election,  interposed 
with  speech  or  letter,  championing  the 
cause  of  one  of  the  Candidates. 

Eegarding  JIMMY  with  wistful  air, 
BILLY  DYKE,  opposed  the  motion.  . "  I 
must,"  he  said,"admit  that  the  right  hon- 
ourable gentleman  has  gone  to  the  top 
of  the  tree  and  caught  a  very  large  fish." 

That  was  delightful,  and  till  to-day 
remained  incomparable.  Think  it  will 
bp  conceded  that  Mr.  O'SHEE  has 
vindicated  supremacy  of  Ireland  in  the 
production  of  this  class  of  prize  animal. 
Of  the  many  extravagances  attributed 


to  Sir  BOYLE  ROCHE  there  is  nothing 
that  in  point  of  picturesque  incoherence 
excels  his  choice  remark. 

Business  done  : — In  Committee  again 
on  Parliament  Bill. 

Thursday. — LORD  CHANCELLOR  once 
more  at  Bar  of  House  (so  to  speak) 
charged  with  carrying  on  HALSBURY'S 
mission  of  swamping  magisterial  bench 
with  good  Conservatives.  Crowded 
House  hears  with  delight  of  the  morn- 
ing call  of  Lord  DE  RAMSEY  upon  LORD 
CHANCELLOR.  Related  in  artless  style 
of  the  Gustos  Rotulorum  of  the  Isle 
of  Ely,  it  is  the  daintiest  comedy.  DE 
RAMSEY  dropped  in  at  Eaton  Square, 
lie  tells  us,  to  suggest  r.ames  of  six 
gentlemen  suitable  for  Commission  of 
the  Peace  for  the  Isle  of  Ely. 

"If  the  Family  Bible  were  in  my 
hands,"  he  assured  the  LORD  CHAN- 
CELrjOR,  "  I  would  swear  that  I  do  not 
know  their  politics." 

There  flashed  across  LORD  CHAN- 
CELLOR'S agile  mind  the  shrewd  saying, 
"  Qui  s'cxcuse  s'accusc " ;  but  he  did 
not  allude  to  it.  Pink  of  politeness,  he 
waved  aside  the  Family  Bible,  which 
Gustos  had  left  at  home.  Suggested 
merely  for  form's  sake  that,  an  Advisory 
Committee  having  been  appointed  for 
the  expressed  purpose  of  nominating 
candidates  for  the  magistracy,  it  would 
be  just  as  well  if  the  list  were  submitted 
to  them  before  names  were  added  to 
Commission  of  the  Peace. 

Gustos  had  not  the  slightest  ob- 
jection. Indeed,  thought  it  was  rather 
the  kind  of  thing  you  ought  to  do,  you 
know.  Only  it  happened  that  he  was 
leaving  for  Ejjypt  in  the  morning.  The 
six  suitabb  gentlemen  of  anonymous 
politics  were  growing  impatient,  and 
perhaps  the  aft'air  might  just  as  well  be 
finished  right  off.  LORD  CHANCELLOR 
agreed,  and  NEIL  PRIMROSE,  waking 
up  one  morning,  resolved  to  make 
fresh  effort  to  interest  LORD  CHAN- 
CELLOR in  direction  of  redressing 
balance  of  Liberal  and  Conservative 
magistrates  for  the  Isle  of  Ely  as  it 
was  left  on  retirement  of  HALSBURY 
from  W7oolsack,  learned  that  six  more 
Conservatives  had  been  added  in  a 
batch.  And  this  after  he  had  been 
assured  by  LORD  CHANCELLOR'S  Sec- 
retary that  the  composition  of  the 
Bench  was  "  a  question  that  could 
not  at  present  be  reopened." 

As  for  LOUD  CHANCELLOR,  the 
MEMBER  FOR  SARK  tells  me  that 
whan  he  learned  he  had  added  six 
Conservative  magistrates  to  a  single 
Commission  of  the  Peace — this  in 
addition  to  others  of  same  political 
complexion  with  whom  he  had  en- 
dowed the  Blessed  Isle — you  might 
have  knocked  him  clown  with  a  feather. 

That  obviously  a   figure  of  speech, 


Doctor,  "\\'ELL!   AND  DID  YOU  TAKE  HIS  TEMPERATURE?" 

Wife.  "On!  YKS,  SIR.    I  PUTS  THE  BAROMITER  ON  'is  CHESS  AN'  IT  GOES  UP  TO  VERY  DRY,  so  I  FETCHES  'IM  A  QUART  o'  BEE», 

AN1   NOW   E'S  GONE  TO   WORK.1" 


for  LOREBURN  is  of  sturdy  build.  But 
it  sufficiently  expresses  the  surprise 
with  which  LORD  CHANCELLOR  learned 
that  unknowingly,  undesignedly,  he 
had  contrived,  in  respect  of  nomin- 
ation of  new  magistrates,  to  repeat 
in  the  Isle  of  Ely  the  sort  of 
thing  which,  prevailing  throughout 
the  kingdom,  had  raised  a  rather 
serious  revolt  in  ranks  of  Party  that 
placed  the  present  Ministry  in  office. 

Business  done. — Got  the  SPEAKER 
out  of  Chair  on  going  into  Committee 
on  Civil  Service  Estimates. 

"EVENING  SCHOOL  SOCIAL.— To  mark  the 
closing  of  the  Evening  Continuation  Classes  a 
very  successful  gathering  was  held  in  the  Public 
Hall  on  Friday  evening.  After  partaking  of  an 
I'N'i'llcnt  tea,  the  Headmaster,  Mr.  James 
Hunter,  who  occupied  the  chair,  referred  in  the 
course  of  his  remarks  to  the  good  work  accom 
plished  during  the  session." 

Devon  Valley  Tribune. 

We  hope  his  own  latest  achievement 
(which  he  seems  to  have  accomplished 
without  assistance),  received  suitable 
mention. 


THE  DISCOVEEY  OF  MAX. 

"  WONDERFULLY  clever,  wonderfully 
clever ! "  murmured  the  old  gentle- 
man, with  another  look  at  the  carica- 
ture of  Mr.  SHANNON. 

"  Wonderfully  clever  ! '  echoed  the 
stranger  beside  him,  in  a  voice  as 
enthusiastic  as  its  weariness  would 
permit.  The  old  gentleman  turned 
to  look  at  the  stranger,  a  man  of 
middle  age,  with  thinning  hair  and  tired 
eyes,  a  black  moustache,  and  a  slight 
tendency  to  that  rotundity  which  is 
apt  to  follow  upon  success. 

"  Yes,  like  the  work  of  an  irrespon- 
sible boy  possessing  the  mind  of  a 
brilliant  man,  Sir!  Don't  you  agree 
with  me  ?  "  said  the  old  gentleman. 

"  I  do  ;  '  brilliant '  is  the  word  I  have 
always  used  of  his  work.  I  know  no- 
thing more  brilliant — and  I  know  most 
things,"  said  the  stranger  with  a  sigh 
that  spoke  of  many  burdens. 

"And  he's  quite  a  youth,  a  slim 
youth,  as  I  gather  from  his  portraits 
of  himself." 


"  As  young  as  the  spring,"  said  the 
other. 

"  Of  course  he  must  be — the  impu- 
dence and  mischief  of  these  drawings 
alone  proclaim  exuberant  youth.  I  'd 
like  to  meet  him.  It 's  a  good  thing 
for  those  of  us  who  are  getting  on  in 
life,  like  you  and  me,  to  come  and  get 
such  a  glimpse  as  this  is  of  the  genius 
of  the  rising  generation.  This  exhi- 
bition does  me  good,  at  any  rate,"  said 
the  old  gentleman,  briskly. 

"  It 's  doing  me  no  harm  either,'1  said 
the  stranger,  in  that  languid  manner 
that  expresses  the  enthusiasm  of  certain 
temperaments. 

"And  if  I  ever  met  him,  it  would  give 
me  the  greatest  pleasure  to  invite  him 
to  dinner.  I  'm  fond  of  these  young 
geniuses — aren't  you  ?  " 

"  One  or  two,"  replied  the  stranger, 
after  thinking.  Then,  passing  his  hand 
over  his  thinning  locks,  he  added : 
"  I  'm  afraid  I  can't  dine,  thanks,  as 
I'm  just  off  back  to  Italy,  where  I 
purpose  to  pass  the  evening  of  my 
career." 


3JO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  KISMET." 

"I  HAVE  lived  to-day!"  said  Mr. 
OSCAR  ASCHE,  on  a  note  of  justifiable 
exaltation,  at  the  close  of  his  perform- 
ance as  Hajj,  the  Baghdad  beggar. 
And  indeed  it  had  been  a  good  day's 
work,  as  you  may  see  from  the  follow- 
ing time-table,  drawn  up  roughly  from 
memory : — 

5.30— 7.30A.M.  Sits  outside  a  mosque, 
and  begs  for  alms,  calling  down  Allah's 
blessings  on  those  that  give,  his  curses 
on  those  that  don't. 

7.35.  Nearly  kills  another  beggar 
who  wants  to  appropriate  his  ancestral 
pitch. 

7.40.  Receives  information  of  retired 
brigand's  arrival  in  town  in  search  of 
long-lost  son,  and  prepared  to  pay 
handsomely  for  clairvoyance  on  the 
subject.  Agrees  to  share  spoils  with 
informant. 

7.45.  Pouches  purse  of  gold  in  pay- 
ment for  thought-reading.  At  same 
time  recognises  in  brigand  the  man  who 
stole  his  (Hajj's)  wife  and  murdered 
his  son. 

7.50.  R3fuses  to  share  purse  with 
informant. 

7.55.  Gives  up  being  a  beggar. 

8.0 — 9.0.  Has  an  enormous  break- 
fast, eaten  off. 

9.0.  Proceeds  to  Tailors'  Bazaar, 
flourishing  purse  of  gold,  and  inspects 
samples  of  fine  linen. 

9.30.  Makes  off  with  sams  during 
temporary  diversion  of  vendors. 

10.15.  Visits  his  daughter  (apple  of 
eye)  in  obscure  quarter,  and  presents 
her  with  a  little  choice  finery. 

10.45.  Is  arrested  for  theft. 

11.30.  Is  brought  before  the  Wasir 
Mansur  (villain)  and  denies  the  charge. 

11.45.  Is  condemned  to  have  a  few 
fingers  cut  off. 

11.46.  Holds  out  his  hand  for  this 
purpose. 

11.47.  Is  pardoned  by  Mansur  out  of 
consideration    for    his    wrist-muscles, 
which  might  be  useful  for  assassina- 
tions. 

11.48.  Is  given  an  appointment  in 
the  service  of  Mansur,  on  the  under- 
standing   that    ha    will    murder    the 
Caliph  for  him. 

11.50.  Offers  to  Mansur  his  daughter 
in  marriage. 

12.0—12.35  P.M.  Assumes  apparel 
proper  to  his  new  office. 

12.40.  Eeceives  female  emissary  from 
Mansur's  best  wife,  bringing  overtures 
for  an  assignation. 

12.45.  Arranges  one  for  the  after- 
noon. 

1.0—3.15.  Swaggers. 

3.30.  Appears  as  a  Moorish  juggler 
at  the  Caliph's  Diwan. 


3.40.  Does  a  trick  with  a  flaming 
bowl  ("  magic  by  Messrs.  MASKELYNE 
&  DEVANT"). 

3.45.  Stabs  the  Caliph,  but  innocu- 
ously, owing  to  coat-of-mail. 

3.46.  Is  arrested. 

3.47.  Is   annoyed  with   Mansur   for 
denying  all  knowledge  of  the  plot. 

4.15.  Is  thrown  into  dungeon  and 
handcuffed  to  a  wall. 

4.30 — 5.0.  Converses  with  fellow- 
prisoner,  who  happens  to  be  the  brigand 
who  stole  his  wife  and  murdered  his  son. 

5.0 — 5.15.  Struggles  to  burst  his 
handcuffs. 

5.15.  Bursts  them. 

5.17—5.25.  Throttles  the  brigand. 

5.25 — 5.35.  Puts  on  corpse's  costume, 
including  demi-amulet,  of  which  the 


jj  (disguised  as  Moorish  jttyylcr).  "A  mere 
nothing!  (Aside.)  But  you  should  see  my 
hand-cuffs  trick  ! " 

Mr.  OSCAR  ASCHE. 

other  half    is    in    possession   of    late 
brigand's  long-lost  son. 

5.40.  On  arrival  of  guards  is  mistaken 
for  brigand  and  released  from  dungeon. 

6.0.  Changes  his  mind  about  letting 
his  daughter  marry  Mansur,  of  whom 
he  now  entertains  a  low  opinion. 

6.45.  Arrives  through  trap-door  at 
address  of  Mansur's  best  wife  (hareem) 
by  appointment. 

6.46.— 7.0.  Doubts  if  lady  is  quite 
so  troublante  as  he  had  hoped;  but 
simulates  enthusiasm. 

7.0.  Is  interrupted  by  entrance  of 
Mansur,  who  proceeds  against  him  with 
a  sword. 

7.5.— 7.10.  Does  his  best,  but  is 
embarrassed  by  the  fact  that  he  is 
unarmed. 

7.10.  Duel  temporarily  stopped  by 
Mansur's  recognition  of  the  demi- 
amulet,  of  which  he,  as  long-lost  son, 


wears  the  counterpart.     Mansur  flings 
his  sword  away. 

7.11.  Hajj  assumes  fatherhood,  to- 
gether with  discarded  weapon. 

7.15.  Stabs  Mansur  in  back  of  ribs  as 
ho  kneels  to  take  the  parental  blessing. 

7.16.  Duel  resumed  d  entrance   on 
edge  of  hareem  plunge-bath. 

7.20.  Puts  his  man  in  the  water. 

7.21—7.45.  Holds  him  under  till  he  is 
drowned. 

7.46.  Withdraws  into  private  life, 
by  trap-door. 

8.10 — 9.15.  Is  absent  from  his  daugh- 
ter's wedding.  (A  case  of  tact,  the 
bridegroom  being  the  man  he  had 
attempted  to  murder  at  3.45.) 

9.30.  Returns,  in  beggar's  guise,  to 
ancestral   pitch,    to    find    another    in 
possession. 

9.31.  Kicks  him  out. 

9.35 — 10.0  Moralises  on  the  strange 
vagaries  of  Fate  (Kismet). 

10.5  Retires  to  sleep  on  pitch. 

10.5|.  Snores  like  a  pig. 

You  will  gather  from  this  schedule 
that,  though  he  ends  as  he  began — a 
beggar  on  a  stone  pitch — ho  lias  not 
lived  his  day  in  vain.  Thinps  in 
Baghdad  can  never  be  quite  the  same, 
for  he  has  rid  the  place  of  two  villains, 
a  brigand  and  a  wicked  Wasir. 

Meanwhile  his  status  has  been 
modified  by  others  who  also  have  not 
been  idle,  for  his  daughter  has  been 
wedded  to  the  Caliph,  and  Hajj  is 
therefore  now  the  father-in-law  of  the 
representative  of  Allah. 

I  dare  not  ask  myself  how  far  the 
plot,  frankly  crude  and  obvious  in  its 
melodrama,  would  have  satisfied  our 
intelligences  if  it  had  been  laid  in 
London  of  the  20th  century  ;  but  in  so 
superb  an  antique  setting,  with  its 
Oriental  wealth  of  colour,  the  play  it- 
self hardly  mattered  at  all.  Indeed,  with 
the  vision  of  Sumurun  before  me  (the 
author  of  Kismet,  by  the  way,  took  no- 
thing from  this  source)  I  am  not  sure 
whether,  apart  from  the  obscurity 
which  it  entails,  dumb-show  would 
not  have  been  more  effective,  so 
hard  it  is  to  listen  well  when  the  eye 
is  closely  engaged.  Certainly  our  best 
time  was  what  we  spent  in  the  gorgeous 
bazaar,  where  the  dialogue  was  least 
distracting.  Now  and  aga;n,  still 
recalling  Sumurun,  one  felt  the  need  of 
a  greater  severity  of  background.  The 
hot  sunlight  on  the  wall  of  the  "  Poor 
House "  seemed  to  lend  a  certain 
tawdriness  to  the  gay  colours  of  the 
dresses.  One's  senses,  too,  grew  tired 
long  before  the  end,  in  part  because 
they  were  never  allowed  to  rest  in  the 
intervals,  which  were  filled  with  pro- 
cessions and  songs  and  formal  dances 
in  front  of  the  drop-ourtain — a  happy 
device,  but  one  that  made  for  satiety. 


MAY  3,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHA1UVAEI. 


I  bow  to  the  management's 
superior  knowledge  of  hareem  in- 
teriors, but  I  confess  that  I  picture 
them  more  seductive.  And  I  would 
willingly  forego  one  or  two  need- 
lessly offensive  phrasss  in  exchange 
for  a  little  more  business  with  the 
plunge-bath.  What  became  of  the 
bather  who  stepped  so  hurriedly 
into  it  with  a  modesty  that  was 
surely  wasted  on  the  other  oda- 
lisques ?  Was  she,  too,  drowned '? 
I  trust  not,  but  I  never  set  eyes 
on  her  again. 

Mr.  OSCAB  ASCHE  was  marvel- 
lously swift  and  sure.  The  p'ay  of 
his  body,  subtle  for  all  its  strength, 
was  always  in  the  picture,  but  some- 
times the  quality  of  his  tones  raised 
a  doubt  in  my  mind  about  his 
Oriental  extraction.  Once  or  twice, 
too,  he  seemed  to  be  burlesquing 
the  phraseology  of  the  place  and 
time.  Perhaps  it  was  the  second  j 
in  his  name  of  Hajj  that  tickled  him. 
I  was  a  little  shocked  at  first  to  find 
Miss  LILY  BRAYTON  in  a  mood  of 
giggling  happiness  ;  but  this  was  soon 
corrected,  and  having  resumed1  her 
favourite  r6le  of  female-in-distress,  she 
sustained  it  till  close  on  the  end.  As  the 
heroine,  she  claimed  the  right  of  having 
She  only  white  skin  in  the  play.  Mr. 


LIKE    TO    LIKE. 


BEN  WEBSTEB  was  a  splendid  figure ' 
as  the  Caliph,  and  Mr.  GKIMWOOD, 
in  the  part  of  Mansur,  was  as  con- 
scientious a  villain  as  one  could  wish 
for ;  while  Miss  BESSIE  MAJOR  carried 
herself  admirably  in  a  hareem  skirt  of 
lavish  dimensions,  and  Mr.  GEOBGE 
RELPH,  as  a  sworder,  was  an  attractive 
study  in  bronze. 

With   all   but  the  colour-blind   the! 

popularity  of  Kismet  is  assured.    I  even 

;  think  that  if  my  old  friend  HORATIUS  i 

I  FLACCUS  could  have  been  present  he  \ 

I  would  have  been  bound  to  reconsider  : 

j  his    opinion    as     to     the    odiousness 

of  Persian  pomps.     Not  much  praise 

I  is  perhaps  due  directly  to  the  author,  i 


HERB  KNOBLAUCH  ;  but  much,  and 
very  much,  to  the  excellent  tearing 
of  the  whole  cast,  including  a  most 
understanding  crowd  of  Oriental 
mutes;  to  Mr.  JOSEPH  HARKEB  for 
some  wonderful  scene-painting;  to 
Mr.  PERCY  ANDERSON  for  the  de- 
signing of  the  brilliant  costumes ; 
and  to  Mr.  LANCELOT  SPEED  for 
his  clever  faking  of  some  minor 
antiquities.  0.  S. 

"  THE  BUTTERFLY  ON  THE  WHEEL." 

Only  twice  have  I  seen  Justice 
administered  officially — once  when, 
as  a  juryman,  I  helped  to  administer 
it,   and  once  when,  as  a  spectator,  I 

Sushed  into  the  Central  Criminal 
ourt,  murmuring  words  like  "solicitor," 
and  listened  to  half  of  a  manslaughter 
trial.  Each  case  interested  me  im- 
mensely. At  the  Globe  Theatre  last 
week  I  found  Admas'on  v.  Adiiiaston 
and  Collingwood  equally  absorbing.  It 
may  have  bored  barristers  (just  as  a 
photographically  accurate  picture  of 
an  afternoon  in  the  Punch  offica  would 
probably  bore  me),  but  for  laymen 
the  details  could  not  be  too  minutely 
olssrved.  However,  I  suffered  one 
disappointment — I  had  hoped  to,  but 
did  not,  hear  the  Judge  say,  "  This 
court  is  not  a  theatre."  He  certainly 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  3,  1911. 


14  the  occasion;  for  Peggy  Admanton, 
the  respondent,  soliloquised  more 
than  once  under  cross-examination  in 
a  manner  which  he  must  have  recog- 
nized (if  lie  had  ever  heen  to  theatres 
across  the  water)  as  the  real  thing. 
I  should  have  cheered  like  inad  in 
the  gallery. 

If  it  is  the  object  of  the  authors 
(Messrs.  E.  G.  HEMMEBDE  and  FRANCIS 
NEILSON)  to  show  up  the  cruelty  and 
injustice  of  the  Divorce  Court,  then 
they  have  not  chosen  the  best  case  for 
their  purpose.  Mrs.  Admaston's  con- 
duct had  been  so  incredibly  foolish  that 
no  man  who  had  not  seen  the  first  two 
Acts  of  the  play  could  have  believed 
her  guiltless  ;  no  counsel  who  had 
spent  the  best  years  of  his  life  in  an 
atmosphere  of  lies  could  have  thought 
her  explanations  truthful.  And  if  it  be 
said  that  every  look  of  Peggy's  beau- 
tiful face,  every  tone  of  her  protesting 
voice  spoke  innocence — an  innocence 
which  made  the  relentless  cross- 
examination  a  deliberate  cruelty — then 
I  reply  that  any  one  who  has  seen 
Miss  MADGE  TITHEKADGE  at  the  Globe 
Theatre  knows  just  what  a  wonderful 
air  of  reality  can  be  given  to  play- 
acting by  a  woman  of  beauty  anc 
great  histrionic  ability. 

In  short,  a  guilty  woman  would  have 
behaved  out  of  court  and  in  court  in 
exactly  the  way  Peggy  behaved ;  and 
that  being   so,   the    severity    in   this 
particular  case  of  the  search  for  truth 
can  hardly  be  indicted.    The  author 
have  been  hardly  fair  to  their  theme 
they  should  have  made  the  responden 
less    foolish,    the   co-respondent    les 
notorious,    the    situations    less    com 
promising.    Then   I,  for  one,  shouk 
have  joined  them   most  cheerfully 
any    expression  of  contempt   for  th 
Bar.     It   is  a  subject  upon   which 
have  long  wanted  to  give  tongue. 

Mr.  LEWIS  WALLER  was  Collingwooa 
and  he  had  an  unsympathetic  part  until 
the  last  Act,  when  he  discovered  the 
authorship  of  the  anonymous  letter  and 
unveiled  the  wicked  Lady  Atwill ;  but 
he  was  always  interesting  and  quietly 
effective.  Mr.  GUY  STANDING  was 
very  badly  suited  by  the  part  of  the 
Rt.  Hon.  George  Admaslon,  M.P.  Say 
what  you  like  of  our  dollar-dictated 
Cabinet  Ministers,  they  haven't  Amari- 
can  accents.  The  duel  between  Coun- 
sel and  the  Butterfly  was  magnificently 
played  throughout  by  Mr.  NORMAN 
McKiNNEL  and  Miss  MADGE  TITHER- 
ADGE.  I  had  never  seen  the  latter  in  a 
big  part  before,  and  I  was  astonished  at 
her  power.  M. 


FIEST-FEU1TS  OF  COVENT 

GAEDEN. 

WHETHER  it  meant  that  the  operatic 
jublic  is  saving  itself  for  the  Coronation 
estivities ;  or  that  there  were  not  enough 
iaras  on  exhibition  in  the  scantily-filled 
oxes  of  the  more  expensive  tiers;  or 
hat  the  improbabilities  of  Laknie  were 
mst  swallowing  (I  don't  think  this  can 
>e  the  reason,  for  Grand  Opera  is  nothing 
f  not  improbable) — anyhow  the  attitude 
.f  the  audience  at  the  opsning  night 
,t  Covent  Garden  was  marked  by  what 
Mr.  JOHN  BURNS  would  describe  as  a 
:ertain  "  gelidity."  True,  Madame 

brought     down     an    odd 


•after  or  two  at  the  traditional  point — 
,he  close  of  the  so-called  Bell  Song ; 
>ut  most  of  her  pearls  were  cast  before 


"Dr.  Stmuss's  Eatest,"    says    The 
06sen>er,and  we  are  left  rather  anxious. 


•ather  unresponsive  stalls,  and  the  rav- 
shing  notes  of  ML-.  M'CoRMACK  some- 
low  missed  their  rightful  dues.  Later, 
no  doubt,  we  shall  warm  to  our  work. 
Meanwhile,  Lakme  was  a  sufficiently 
,ppropriate  prelude  to  the  season's  un- 
ambitious programme. 

Eegarded    as    an    historical   study, 
this  French  picture  of  British  India  is, 
of  course,  farcical.     I  pass  over  the 
sacrosanct  groves  of  the  Hindoo  temple, 
where  fantasy  is  permissible ;  but  for 
anybody  who  has  ever  seen  the  actual 
thing  there  could  be  no  purer  work  of 
creative  art  than  this  travesty  of  an 
Indian    bazaar   ("market-place,"   the 
programme  calls  it).     The  headgear  of 
the  native  men  was  that  of  a  French 
chef;      and    the    women     resembled 
Hindoos  in  nothing    but    their  wigs 
and  the  duskiness  of  their  cocoa-paste. 
At  one  time  the  crowd  was  thick  as 
a  swarm  of  bees ;  at  the  next  it  parted 
to  admit  an  incredible  troupe  of  Nautch- 
girls,  British  to  the  bone,  and  poorish 
dancers  at  that ;  then  in  a  flash  it  was 
gone,  leaving  the  "market-place"  com- 
pletely at    the  disposal  of    a   Hindoo 
and  an  English   officer   for    the 
purposes  of  an  Italian  duet.     As  for 
uniforms  (the  officers  carried  canes) 
I  doubt  if  some  of  them  had  ever  been 
seen  before  on  land  or  sea.     One  or 
two  seemed  to  be  of   an  amphibious 
pattern ;  for  the  period  can  hardly  be 
later  than    the    date    of    the    Indian 
Mutiny,  and  epaulettes   had  by  then 
been  abolished  in  the  Army. 

Even  Mr.  CLAUDE  AVELING'S  English 
version  of  Signor  A.  ZANARDINI'S  Italian 
version  of  Messieurs  E.  GONDINET'S  and 
P.  GILLE'B  original  French  libretto 
failed  to  convince  me  that  the  atmo- 
sphere was  strictly  Anglo-Indian.  For 
one  thing  my  book  of  words  (1/G  net) 
contained  not  a  syllable  of  the  dialogue 
(negligible,  no  doubt)  of  the  English 


always  in  the  Italian  as  "  Miss  Ellen  " 
and  in  the  English  as  "  Eleanor  "  ;  and 
I  shall  never  know  what  Messieurs 
E.  GONDINET  and  P.  GILLE  called  her 
till  I  hear  the  opera  in  French,  and  that 
will  never  happen  here  so  long  as 
Madame  TETHAZZINI  has  a  voice  in  the 
matter. 

The  diva's  pyrotechnics  pleased 
me  less  than  the  dulcet  notes  of  her 
amorous  passages  ;  but  I  ask  nothing 
better  than  Mr.  M'CoHMACK's  singing, 
and  have  certainly  never  heard  anything 
half  so  good  from  a  British  officer 
in  a  tightish  uniform.  Mr.  EDMUND 
BURKE'S  voice  had  the  dignity  of  his 
beard,  a  really  noble  appendage.  One 
expects  a  good  deal  from  the  beard  of  a 
Brahmin  hierophant  with  a  name  like 
Nilakantha;  and  I  am  sure  that  Mr. 
CLARKSON  felt  this  too,  and  that  was 
why  he  put  some  of  his  best  work  into 


it. 


O.  S. 


KONDEAU. 


[Mr.  CHURCHILL  said  that  unless  they  could 
dispcss  of  certain  amendments  by  a  certain  time 
there  would  be  nothing  for  it  but  to  put  their 
heads  down  and  butt  into  the  bill.] 

OUR  statesmen  but  a  little  while  agono 
Trimmed  each  his  lamp  of  intellect  and 

shone, 

Eager  to  make  the  darker  places  plain 
By  the  effulgence  of  an  ardent  brain  ; 
No  surfeit  of  high-thinking  once  could 

glut 

Our  statesmen  —  but 
To-day  they  catch  a  newer,  better  trick  ; 
Why  use  the  brain  if  craniums   are 

thick? 

Do  we  expect  ungovernable  rams 
To  war  with  words  or  pale  at  epigrams  ? 
So,  trusting  to  mere  density  of  nut, 
Our  statesmen  butt. 


Mr.  ANDREW  LANG  in  The  Morning  Post : 

"In  the  Eighteenth  Century  a  young  man 
was  hanged  (if  we  may  believe  John  Wesley) 
for  the  murder  of  a  person  whom  he  later  met 
in  a  Spanish  prison  in  South  America." 

Sorry  as  we  are  to  have  to  say  it,  we 
don't  believe  JOHN  WESLEY  this  time. 


ladies.      Even   the   name  of   Gerald's 
carelessly-discarded    fiancee    appeared 


"  The  coiner  of  what  will  surely  become  an 
immortal  phrase  was  Mr.  Brodribb.  Of  course 
he  used  it  in  the  holiday  spirit.  Speaking  of 
the  interml  affairs  of  his  church  he  said  :  '  He 
knew  little  about  ritual  and  cared  less.  The 
exuberance  of  church  music  was  to  him  a  super- 
fluity of  naughtiness'  ....  There  is  nothing 
new  under  the  sun.  and  I  don't  suggest  that 
Mr.  Brodribb  has  discovered  a  new  idea.  He 
would  not  let  himself  claim  that.  Our  grand- 
fathers used  to  say  '  It's  naughty  but  it's  nice." 
Mr.  Brodribb  simply  puts  the  old  idea  into 
twentieth  century  clothes." — Hastings  Argus. 

Mr.  BRODRIBB  must  try  again.  There 
are  lots  more  immortal  phrases  which 
he  might  coin. 


MAY  3,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CH.MMVAHf. 


333 


Loafer.  "XA"  IHEN,  GEORGE  Gnu',  SFRAWMN'  ovtr.  THE  TIIII.K  ;    WHY  IKIN'T  YKR  TIKE  THE  REST?' 


THIS    WEEK'S    EIOTS. 

COMPLAINTS  made  of  symptoms  of 
poisoning  by  diners  in  certain  cheap 
restaurants  have  led  to  stringent  pre- 
cautions in  the  claret  industry  in  the 
'French  provinces  of  D'Ope  and  Faique. 
Cavalry  occupy  the  wine-vats,  and  a 
'prohibitive  tariff  has  been  placed  on 
croton  oil,  French  polish,  methylated 
spirits,  and  pain-killer.  This  has 
thrown  thousands  of  employees  in  the 
wine  business  out  of  work,  and,  the 
manufacturers  state,  entirely  destroyed 
the  strong  aroma  which  was  the 
peculiar  feature  of  cheap  claret. 

Fresh  riots  have  broken  out  in  con- 
sequence of  the  determination  of  the 
British  Government  to  support  the 
Pure  Milk  movement,  and  make  a 
sharp  line  of  delimitation  between  the 
dairies  and  the  pumps  and  reservoirs 
of  the  country. 

Great  excitement  exists  in  the  Mid- 
lands over  the  Standard  Bread  riots, 
duo  to  the  suppression  by  the  Govorn- 
.ment  of  white  bread  as  dangerous  to 
life.  Coffee  grounds,  sawdust  and  oak 
varnish  had  been  extensively  used  to 
bring  flour  to  the  requisite  Standard 
colour,  and  honest  millers  have  to  be 
protected  by  a  detachment  of  the  Car- 
inelile  Fencibles  (llarmsworth's  Own). 


During  the  operations  a  White  (or 
Starch  Meal)  Attacking  Force  at- 
tempted to  get  through  a  Brown  (or 
Standard)  Defending  Force  and  loot  the 
supplies  of  germ  and  semolina.  The 
indignation  of  the  White  rioters  is  all 
the  greater  because  they  assert  that  no 
one  would  want  Standard  bread  if  they 
hadn't  been  told  that  they  ought  to 
like  it. 


A   True  Story. 
CHAPTER   I. 

Scene. — An  Elementary  School. 

Teacher.  Can  anyone  tell  me  the 
name  of  an  island  near  to  England  ? 

Elsie.  Yarmouth. 

Teacher.  No,  Yarmouth  is  not  an 
island.  It  is  a  sea-coast  town — like 
Brighton. 

CHAPTER   II. 

"  DEAR  Miss ,  My  little  Elsie  come 

home  and  told  ma  that  Yarmouth  was 
not  an  island,  but  can  you  tell  her  wich 
way  to  get  into  Yarmouth  without 
going  over  watter  it  does  not  matter 
witch  way  you  go." 

From  which  it  appears  that  Elsie's 
father  is  quite  with  the  famous  circu- 
lar in  its  opinion  of  elementary-school 
teachers. 


A  COEONATION   COMPLAINT. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH, — I  hope  you  will 
excuse  my  writing  this  letter,  and  not 
think  I  mean  any  disloyalty  by  it.  For 
that,  I  assure  you,  Mr.  Punch,  I  do  not. 
But  it  is  a  thing  which  has  grieved  me 
to  the  heart,  and  I  am  sorry  to  say  my 
husband  too  is  quite  dispirited  about  it. 

It  is  the  matter  of  the  Coronation 
gifts  to  the  KING  and  QUEEN,  Mr. 
Punch — I  mean  those  that  all  the 
Georges  are  giving  to  the  KINO  and  all 
the  Marys  to  the  QUEEN.  As  I  say,  I 
don't  want  to  make  a  fuss  or  seem  dis- 
loyal, but  I  do  want  to  say  that  I  think 
there  is  some  mistake  when  my  hus- 
band and  I  are  left  out  of  it.  You 
wouldn't  find  loyaller  peop'e  than  us 
anywhere,  Mr.  Punch,  though  I  say  it 
myself.  But  when  we  see  all  the 
Georges  and  Marys  (yes,  and  the  Mays 
and  Maries  and  Miriams  too)  allowed 
to  contribute  to  the  presents,  and  us 
not,  it  does  seem  hard.  You  see,  Mr. 
Punch,  my  husband's  Christian  name 
is  Marius,  and  mine  is  Georgina.  I 
suppose  it  wouldn't  be  considered  eti- 
qucite  for  him  to  contribute  to  the 
QUEEN'S  gift  and  me  to  the  KINO'S  ? 
Yours  truly, 

GEORGINA.  SMITH. 
Lavender  Hill. 


(By 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 


IN  Bnaenhead  the  Great  (SMITH,  ELDER)  Mr  MAURICE 
HEWLETT  is  back  in  his  old  form.  "  Sing,  lady,  that 
safest 'erst,"  he  says  to  his  Muse  in  the  "exordial 
matter"  that  Vegins  the  hook,  "the  seventh  son  c 


matter       uuui    Logn«  — .     .         ,          , 

seventh  son;  sing  greatly  upon  thine  epic  lyre  how  ho 
hammered  sconces,  hacked  and  slew  —and  when  there 
are  sconces  to  be  hammered,  and  Mr.  HEWLETT  s  blade 
is  out,  whowould  lag  behind?  Certainly  not  I-  Of  how 


are  sconces 

is  out,  who  \\ouiu  ju,^  utimivi  .     ^»»— — j  —~.  —  i    i 

Brazcnhead  deposed  the  Duke  of  Milan,  of  how  he  played  family  virtues, 
the  Count  of  Picpns, 
and  of  other  veracious 
episodes,    mere    frag- 
ments of  the  Captain's 
roaring  life,  you  shall 
read  for  your  delecta- 
tion.   No  modern  love 
business  this  time.   Let  j 
the  Muse  leave  that  to ' 
her  inferiors,  and   she 
may  have  choice  of  ten 
centuries  in  which  to 
run  wild.    Brazenhead 
himself  was  indifferent 
as  to  a  century  or  two ; 
he    was    not    for    an 
age,  but  for  all  lime — 
roughly   from    800   to 

1,500  A.D.  the  legends 
circulate  -about  him . 

It  is  thus  open  to  Mr. 

HEWLETT  to   give    us 

other   books  of  his 

epic  whenever  it  pleases 

him.  As  long  as  they  are 

as  inspiring  as  this  one 

he  need  not  be  doubtful 

of  pleasing  his  readers. 

Untruths    must    in- 
evitably   be    written 

from  time  to  time,  but 

it  is  a  pity  that  so  many 

of  them  should,  concern 

the  medical  profession. 

At  a  moment  when  the 

last  and  the  silliest  of 

these  still  rankles,  The 
Corner  ofHarky  Strei  t, 
being  some  Familiar 
Correspondence  of 
Peter  Harding,  M.D. 
(CONSTABLE),  is  par- - 

ticularly  welcome,  for  in  it  is  a  fair  criticism,  a  complete 
defence  and  some  high  praise  of  the  doctoring  trade. 
Baldly  stated,  that  sounds  a  little  dry,  but  these  thirty 
letters  are  by  no  manner  of  means  dry,  because  they  are 
anything  but  a  bald  statement.  They  are  the  casual  and 
unlaboured  utterance  of  a  broad  miud,  the  expression  of 
a  nature  receptive,  observant,  just  and  humorous.  Their 
point  is  made  without  sp'ec'al  pleading,  and,  for  all  I  know, 
their  author,  whoever  he  may  be,  never  meant  to  praise  or 
even  defend.  There  are  views,  nice  and  of  uncommon 
sense,  upon  most  things  modern ;  there  is  at  the  back  of 
them  just  sufficient  continuity  of  intimate  history  to  keep 
alive  that  curiosity,  without  which  one  cannot  enjoy 


reading  other  people's  letters.  Lastly,  there  is  an  excellent 
prescription  on  page  67.  The  minute  I  saw  the  book  I 
knew  1  should  love  it;  it  has  that  look  about  it.  So  I  have 
read  it,  and  now  I  am  going  to  read  it  again. 

In  my  humble  opinion  not  many  present-day  novelists 
can  describe  the  country  life  of  the  rich,  whether  idle  or 
strenuous,  so  well  as  Mi»  ARCHIBALD  MARSHALL.  His 
Richard  Baldock  and  Exton  Hunor  especially  were  master- 
pieces in  this  kind,  and,  though  I  don't  think  their 
youngest  brother,  The.  Eldest  Son  (METHOEN),  quite  comes 
up  to  them  as  a  story,  it  has  most  of  the  characteristic 
,  _  -i :_i,  n;,.k  C77i'ii//nu  tlm  f>l<lf>sh  son  in  ouestion. 


Motorist  (after  a  long  discussion  on  the  comparative  merits  of  several  kiiids  of 
petrol).  "SO,  TUBS,  ALL  THINGS  COXSIDEEED,  YOU  RECOMMEND  TUB  TARIAKUS 
BRAND  1" 

Manager.  "THAT,  UNDOUBTEDLY,  is  THE  MOST  RELIABLE." 

Motorist.  "TnE\  YOU  MIGHT  FILL  MY  AUTOMATIC  CIGARETTE-LIGHTER  WITH  IT." 


Dick  Clinton,  the  eldest  son  in  question, 
was    a    model    young 
Guardsman,  with  only 
two    loves    (0    si    sic 
omnes),   his   profession 
and  his  home.      If  he 
had  kept  only  to  these, 
rejecting   all  other, 
except  possibly  a  well- 
born British   Miss,  he 
would  not  have  come 
into  collision  with  the 
old-fashioned    pre- 
judices   of    his    fox- 
hunting  father.  •    All 
went  well,  as  they  say 
in  the  reports  of  rail- 
way accidents,  till  he 
bad  reached  his  thirty- 
fifth  birthday,  by  which 
time,  according  to  the 
scheduled  table  of  con- 
ventional   society,    he 
ought    to   have    safely 
passed  the  matrimonial 
junction  of  St.  George's, 
Hanover  Square.     But 
at   this    point    he    de: 
liberately  jumped    the 
metals,  and  precipitated 
a  deplorablecatastuophe 
by  announcing  his  in- 
tention of  marrying  the 
young   and  charming 
widow  of  that  notorious 
old  roue,  Lord  George 
Dubec.      To    tho    in- 
discretion of  being  an 
American  by  birth  she 
had  added  the  unpar- 
donable sin  of  having 
appeared,  though  only 
for    a    short   time,   on 
the  musical   corned; 

boards  of  her  native  state.    Papa  Clinton  was  furious 
and  vowed  that  he  would  cut  off  his  eldest  son  with  as 
few  shillings  as  the  entail  would  allow.    Brother  Humphrey 
with  the  astuteness  of  a  Jacob,  proceeded  to  make  hay  o 
Dick's  prospects,  and  incidentally  a  few  trusses  for  his  own 
consumption ;  and  it  was  only  alter  a  time  of  general  dis 
comfort  that   the    tact    of  Mrs.    Clinton,    the   charm   o 
Mrs.  Dick,  the  patience  of  her  husband,  and  the  ingenuit; 
of  Mr.  MARSHALL,  combined  to  convince  the  old  man  of  the 
error  of  his  ways.      The  humour  of  the  book  seems   k 
me  rather  artificial,  though   I   should   not   be  surprise( 
to  hear  that  it  was  taken  from  life.     But  the  drawing  o 
the  characters  is  throughout  admirably  natural. 


MAY  10,  101 1. 1 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAIUVAIM. 


CHARIVARIA. 

TH  K  settlement  of  thedisputebotwvi  11 
Mile.  PAVLOVA  and  M.  MOHUKIN  with- 


Tlio  Coronation  is  eclipsing  every- 
thing this  year.  The  Government  ex- 
pedition which  went  to  the  South 
Pacific  to  observe  the  eclipse  of  the 


out  reference   to   the   tribunal  at   the  ,  sun,  only  succeeded  in  obtaining  some 


Hague  is  said  to  have  caused  some  little 
jealousy  there,  especially  as  there  will 
now  1)0  some  confusion  as  to  where  the 
Palace  of  Peace  is  situate. 

We  are  glad  to  see  that  the  present 
occupant  of  the  Woolsack  has  kept  his 
wool  on  and  declined  the  sack. 

Professor  SIKI-EU  suggests  that, 
with  a  view  to  bringing  about  a 
better  understanding  between  the  two 
countries,  the  study  of  the  German 
language  sbould  be  promoted  here.  It 
is  dangerous,  of  course,  to  generalisa 
from  a  particular  in- 
stance, but  wo  know  a 
small  boy  who  has  just 
begun  to  struggle  with 
the  intricacies  of  the 
German  language  at 
school,  and  his  feelings 
towards  the  country  con- 
cerned grow  daily  more 
bitter. 

V 

Colonel  SEELY,  the  Un- 
der -  Secretary  for  War, 
has  made  a  success' ul 
accent  in  an  aeroplane. 
We  understand  that  the 
only  reason  why  Lord 
HALDANE  has  not  yet 
followed  this  example  is 
tho  difficulty  in  finding 
a  machine  sufficiently 
stable. 

*  * 

In  reply  to  a  request 
from  the  Wembley  Dis- 
trict Council  the  POST- 
MASTER-GENERAL has  stated  that  he  is 
unable  to  placo  Wembley  in  the  North- 
Western  Postal  District.  The  expense 
of  removing  the  houses  would  alone  be 
prohibitive. 

*** 

The  taxi-cab  drivers  are  still  threat- 
ening to  strike,  if  the  proprietors 
should  persist  in  their  efforts  to  deprive 
them  of  the  right  to  forget  to  register 
extras. 

*  * 

A  pugilist  who  was  released  from 
prison  the  other  day,  after  serving  a 
term  of  five  years'  imprisonment  for 
manslaughter,  was  found  to  have  in- 
creased in  weight  by  two  stone  during 
his  incarceration.  It  is  now  suggested 
that,  if  universal  service  should  be 
delayed  much  longer,  the  national 
physique  might  be  improved  by  send- 


photographs  of  tlia  Corona. 

A  discovery  mach'by  Dr.W.  .1.  KILNKR 
shows  that  every  man  and  woman  has 
a  halo.  In  spite  of  meetings  of  pro- 


TheCity  of  Montreal,  it  is  announced, 
is  to  erect  and  maintain  an  exhibition 
building  for  the  permanent  display  of 
goods  of  British  manufacture.  In 
America  it  is  suggested  that  tho  build- 
ing shall  bear  the  title  "  Museum." 

:;; 

An  interesting  fight  betwesn  Capital 
and  Labour  is  now  taking  placo  in 
America.  It  sounds  incredible  in  these 


test   the  Latter-Day  Saint  movement  days,  and  in  such  a  go  ahead  country 
has  evidently  made  enormous  progress,   as  the  United  States,  but  an  attempt 
*ai*  is   being  made   to  deprive   tho  Trade 


By  .the  way,  although  Mr.  SARGENT 
declared,  some  little  time  ago,  that  it 
was  his  intention  to  paint  no  more 
portraits,  his  design  for  an  Archb'.sliop 
of  CANTERBUBY  is  said  to  show  a  more 
than  slight  resemblanca  to  the  dis- 
tinguished divine  who  bears  that  title. 


SATISFACTORY  SOLUTION"    (THANKS    T>    A    FKIENDLY    VENTILATOR    CORD) 
Hit.  DOLLMAN'S  PICTDKE  is  ROOM  XI.  AT  THE  ROYAL  ACADEMY. 


Unionists    of   the    right    to   blow   up 
employers'  buildings  with  dynamite. 

:!:      --',: 

We  are  astonished  that  it  has  never 
occurred  to  the  Tariff  Reform   Party 
that  it  would  be  good  policy  to  favour 
Women's    Suffrage.      From    what   we 
know  of  the  Sex,  every 
woman  would  give   her 
vote    in    favour    of  the 
Power  to  Bargain. 

*  * 

A  German  statistician 
has  calculated  that, 
roughly,  there  are 
1,200,000,000,000  bees 
in  the  world.  It  is,  of 
course,  impossible  to 
give  the  exajt  figures, 
as  so  many  persons 
hide  their  bees  in  their 

bonnets. 

*  * 

A   centre    forward,    a 
lion-tamer,  and  a  curate, 
wo  arj  told,  have   been 
found    engagements    by 
tho  Manchester  Labour 
Exchange.     We  do  hope 
that  there  was  no  mud- 
OF '  dling,  and  that  each  got 
I  the  right  post. 


ing  everyone 
period. 


to  prison  for  a  certain 


A  San  Francisco  lady  is  claiming 
£4,000  damages  against  a  New  York 
hair-dye  company,  because  a  prepara- 
tion which  she  purchased  for  the 
purpose  of  making  her  hair  black  dyed 
it  green.  This  does  not  look  as  if  the 
value  of  post-impressionism  is  yet  fully 
appreciated  in  America. 
*  ..* 

"  Stevenson  to  be  mobilised  "  is  the 
neat  title  which  The  Globe  gives  to 
an  announcement  of  the  forthcoming 
uniform  edition  of  the  Master's  works. 
Our  contemporary  might  have  gone  on 
to  say  that  the  mobilisation  will  be 
followed  by  several  reviews — but  was, 
no  doubt,  well  advised  not  to  do  so. 

Eed  tape  again !  We  are  informed 
that  the  request  that  mixed  bathing 
should  be  allowed  in  tho  water  which 
flows  round  the  base  of  the  QUEEN 
VICTORIA  Memorial  has  been  refused. 


"The  Lord  Charccl'or  lias  intimated  to 
Court  dressmakrrs  that  no  lady  wearing  a  tijjht 
skirt  will  Le  allowed  to  appear  at  any  of  the 
forthcoming  Court  functions." — Ex  tcr  Erprcti. 

It  seems  that  Lord  LOHEBUKN  is  fairly 
letting  himself  go. 


"The  Church  pronounced  against  polygamy, 
or,  to  continue  the  use  of  the  good  Anglo-Saxon 
word,  'bigamy.'" — London  Magazine. 

It 's  jolly  to  think  that  there  is  always 
an  Anglo-Saxon  equivalent,  even  if  it  'a 
not  quite  so  forcible  as  the  imported 
word. 

"  Whether  there  be  any  'male  and  gLrlous 
Ham])dcn9,'  there  is  no  doubt  that  th  •  condi- 
tions of  the  political  warfare  give  little  scope 
for  the  advance  of  any  nascent  ability  in  the 
ranks." — Daily  Dispatch. 

The  glorious  silence  of  the  Hampdens, 
who  should  bo  singing  at  this  hour, 
is  a  matter  for  congratulation. 


VOL.  CXL. 


336 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CITARIVARL 


[MAY  10.  1911. 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of  a  Six-Year  Niece.) 
No.  IX.— THE  SWEEP'S  WISH. 

THER  wos  wunco  a  merchant  ho  wos  verry  ritsh  and  bad 
menny  pounds  in  his  pokets  but  ho  dident  like  gerls  so  he 
had  fifteen  dorters  his  wiph  kcp  bringing  them  to  him  \vun 
arfter  anuther  heers  anuther  gerl  Henry  she  scd  and  the 
merchent  sed  take  her  away  Im  tired  of  dorters  wot  hav 
I  dun  to  git  so  menny  and  his  wiph  sed  Im  sure  I  dont  no 
hadent  we  better  arsk  the  fairies  but  the  merchent  only 
larfed  nierchents  dont  believe  in  fairies. 

Wei  wun  day  wen  the  merchent  wos  having  his  break- 
fus  his  wiph  suduly  cum  in  a  grate  state  of  xitement  she 
wos  throing  her  arms  about  aud  darnsiug. 

Wots  the  matter  sed  the  morchent  eeting  an  eg  at  the 
same  time. 

I  shant  tell  you  she  sed  you  must  gess. 

O  sed  the  merchent  the  cats  skratshd  the  baby. 

No  she  sed  gess  agen. 

Then  the  dogs  got  lus  and  eetn  the  ise  pudn. 

Rong  sed  the  wiph  your  gessing  verry  badly  today. 

Im  not  going  to  gess  enny  more  sed  the  merchent  its 
all  nonsins. 

No  sed  the  wiph  it  isent  nonsins  its  a  butifle  littel  baby 
boy  and  she  cald  the  nerse  and  ther  wos  a  baby  boy  line 
asleep  in  a  cradel  hed  got  a  littel  blak  splotsh  on  his  fase 
but  the  nerse  sed  it  wood  wosh  orf. 

Wen  the  merchent  sor  this  he  wos  as  prouds  a  lion  he 
gav  his  wiph  a  thousen  pounds  and  2  nu  dresses  and  a 
dimond  nekliss  and  that  nite  all  the  fifteen  dorters  kame  to 
super  and  they  had  lots  of  fun  they  dident  go  to  bed  til 
ten  oklok  and  then  they  warked  up  verry  quitely  sos  not 
to  wake  the  baby  and  they  kristnd  him  Willyum  arfter  the 
merchent's  uncle  he  wos  a  duke. 

Wen  Willyum  wos  twenty  yeers  old  the  merchent  wos 
ritsher  than  ever  and  Willyum  wos  the  hansimest  boy  in 
London  he  wos  verry  kind  to  his  muther  and  his  sisters  all 
luvd  him  he  let  them  ride  on  his  pony  and  play  with  his 
stiks  and  umbellers  and  he  had  a  wotsh  it  opend  wen  you 
blu  and  he  was  as  strongs  a  ephelant. 

Wun  day  a  man  cum  to  the  hous  his  fase  wos  blak  and 
his  hands  wer  blak  but  his  eyes  wer  wite  he  wos  a  sweep. 

Good  morning  sed  the  merchent  we  dont  wont  no 
chimles  sweeping  here. 

O  sed  the  man  I  havent  cum  about  chiinles  Ive  cum 
about  a  son. 

Wot  son  sed  the  merchent. 

Wy  your  son  sed  the  swesp  he 's  my  son  and  Im  going 
to  take  him  away. 

How  dyou  no  hes  yours  sed  the  merchent. 

He  had  a  blak  splotsh  on  his  fase  wen  he  wos  a  babj 
sed  the  sweep. 

Yes  he  had  sed  the  merchent  but  the  nerse  woshcl  it  orf 

That  dosent  matter  sed  the  sweep  I  put  it  ther  sos  to 
no  him  agen. 

Wei  sed  the  merchent  hes  mine  now  Ive  had  him  foi 
yeers  and  Im  going  to  keep  him  hows  my  merchenting 
going  to  git  on  without  him. 

And  hows  my  sweeping  going  to  git  on  without  him  sec 
the  sweep. 

Then  the  merchent  and  the  sweep  had  a  fite  but  it  woi 
no  good  they  coodent  beat  wun  anuther  they  rold  all  ovei 
the  flore  and  nokd  doun  the  tabels  and  chares  and  ther 
they  went  and  woshed  theirselves  and  bagen  fiting  agen. 

This  time  the  sweep  got  the  merchent  doun  and  sat  or 
him  haha  sed  the  sweep  Ive  got  you  now  will  you  giv  m 
my  son  to  help  sweeping  chimles. 


Yes  scd  the  merchent  you  can  have  him  but  ferst  tako 
his  ring  its  a  wishing  ring  my  granmuther  gav  it  me  if  you 
•ub  it  3  times  you  can  wish  yourself  to  be  enthing  you  like. 

Alrite  sed  the  sweep  111  take  it  wot  can  I  wish. 

Woodentyou  like  to  be  emprerof  Aysher  sed  the  merchent 
-es  sed  the  sweep  thatl  do  so  he  tuk  the  ring  and  put  it  on 
iis  finger  then  he  rubd  it  3  times  and  sed  I  wont  to  be 
imprer  of  Aysher  and  ferst  his  blak  dropd  orf  his  skin  then 
iis  clothses  wer  changed  to  purpol  and  gold  and  ho  had  a 
roun  on  his  hed  this  is  sumthing  like  he  sed  and  then  he 
jot  a  septer  in  his  hand  and  then  sudnly  he  flu  out  thru 
ho  winder  hecos  emprers  of  Aysher  liv  in  Aysher  and  hed 
jot  to  go  there  to  his  palis. 

Its  a  good  riduns  sed  the  merchent  heel  never  cum  bak 
hers  cnly  wun  wish  in  that  ring  hes  got  to  be  emprer  of 
Aysher  all  his  life. 

Then  the  merchent  cald  his  wiph  and  his  son  and  his 
ifteen  dorters  and  told  them  wot  hapnd  and  they  wer  all 
•ery  pleesed  speshly  Willyum  he  coodent  bar*  to  be  a 
weep  its  til  dirty  for  me  he  sed  and  that  week  all  the 
lorters  wer  marred  and  Willyum  went  on  been  a  merchenfc 
n  his  fathers  oftis  the  merchent  and  his  wiph  never  had 
no  more  childern  but  they  dident  mind  that  and  the  sweep 
tade  in  Aysher  so  they  wernt  botherd  with  him. 

THE  UNDYING   FLAME. 
Too  soon,  when  the  Spring  has  released  us 

From  Winter,  his  rage  and  his  rods, 
We  banish  the  Fire-god,  Hephaestus, 

The  bast  of  the  gods ; 
Forlorn  in  my  desolate  "  sitter," 
Too  soon  I  am  bound  to  grow  bitter 
For  lack  of  his  warmth  and  his  glitter, 

And  the  poker's  affectionate  prods. 

We  are  sons,  I  suppose,  of  the  Viking 

Who  conquered  fie  storm  and  the  wave, 
And  although  it  is  not  to  our  liking 

We  have  to  be  brave  ; 
So  we  say,  "There  shall  be  no  surrender, 
The  sun  has  arrived  in  his  splendour;" 
And  we  put  an  old  fern  in  the  fender, 
A  garland  of  flowers  on  a  grave  ! 

But  the  Sun-god  so  frequently  loses 
His  way,  or  has  punctured  a  tyre ; 

And  chilled  is  the  heart  of  the  Muses, 
And  hushed  is  the  lyre  ; 

And  scarcely  a  song-bird  has  carolled, 

But  still  we  go  lightly  apparelled, 

And  bear  it,  remembering  HABOLD 
And  TOSTIG,  and  don't  have  a  fire. 

I  call  it  unspeakably  silly  ; 

Yes,  even  in  years  that  are  hot, 
I  shudder,  I  shrink  from  that  stilly 

And  ghost-haunted  grot ; 
Ah,  would  that  some  builder  would  fashion 
The  home  of  my  dreams,  of  my  passion, 
Where  Yule-logs  are  rosy  and  ashen, 

Let  the  weather  ba  no  matter  what ! 

From  May  to  the  end  of  September, 

By  no  superstition  enticed, 
The  brand,  the  Olympian  ember, 

The  booty  unpriced 

That  was  boned  from  on  high  by  Prometheus 
(All  hail  to  his  nerve  and  his  knee-thews  !) 
I  should  still  (in  the  caviller's  teeth)  use, — 

And  the  rest  of  the  house  should  be  iced. 

EVOE. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAY  10,  1911. 


•    .  • 


THE    CAMPBELLS    ARE    GOING. 

(All  roads   lead  out  of  Scotland.) 

DISTANT  VOICES  (singing).  "  MY  HEART  'S  IN   THE  HIELAN  S." 
CALEDONIA.  "AY,  BUT  THE  REST  OF  YE  IS   A  WAV 

[Official  returns,  showing  a  large  decrease  in  the  population  of  Scotland,  are  causing  alarm  in  Caledonian  circles.] 


M\Y  10,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


339 


OUR  AMENDE. 

J/R.  PUXCa  HAS  RECEIVED  SEVERAL  COMPLAINTS  ABOUT  THE  SLOVENLINESS  IK  DRESS  OF  THE  CLERGYMEN  DEPICTED  IX  HIS  PAGES. 
HE  CANNOT  AHY  LONGER  LIB  UNDER  THIS  REPROACH  AND  HAS  SPECIALLY  SUMMONED  HIS  FASHION  ARTIST  FROM  MAYFAIK  TO  PUT  IS 
THE  CLERICAL  FIGURE  ABOVE. 

The  Countess  Blenkinsop  (supported  by  the  Earl  Blenkinsop,  Captain  Lord  Ranelagh,  Lady  Ermyntrude  If  Arcy-Osborne  and  the  Hon. 
Algnum  D  Arcy-Osborne,  to  their  guest,  the  Rev.  Septimus  Brocade).  "W«  ARC  QUITE  SIMPLE  PEOPLE,  MB.  BROCADE,  AND  WB  DO  HOPB 

YOU  WON'T  FEEL  THAT  WS  EXPECT  YOU  TO   CHANGE  YOUB  CLOTHES  FOR  TEA." 


THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT 
TRUNK. 

THE  PATENT  MILITABY  HAT  TRUNK 
is  constructed  so  as  to  hold  the 
complete  equipment  of  service  hats 
required  by  every  officer,  vide  "  Dress 
Regulations,  1908." 

THE  PATENT  MILITABY  HAT  TRUNK 
is  exceedingly  strong,  being  made  of 
steel  with  gun-metal  hinges. 

THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK 
can  bo  easily  moved  by  a  fatigue  party 
of  one  N.C.O.  (sergeant,  if  possible) 
and  19  men.  The  stores  required  are 
as  follows : — 

1  20-ton  "  Jack  "  lifting  hydraulic. 

6  planks,  oak,  10  inches  by  17  inches 
by  3  inches. 

8  6-inch  ground  rollers,  elm. 

1  heavy  gun  tackle,  a  treble  and 
double  9-inch  block,  with  a  fall 
of  3|-inch  rope,  15  fathoms  long. 

1  crab  capstan  (when  moving  the 
trunk  up  an  incline). 


THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK 
can  be  converted  into  a  strong  case  for 
the  grand  piano. 

THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK 
may  be  used  on  service  as  an  absolutely 
impregnable  obstacle,  or  a  bomb-proof 
shelter. 

THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK 
will  be  found,  without  its  lid,  a  perfectly 
seaworthy  eight-oar  gig.  The  lid  may 
be  used  as  a  bath. 

THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK 
is   an  ideal    receptacle  for  the    mess 
silver,  tho  band  instruments,  and  the 
regimental  trophies. 
THE  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK. 

Colonel  Currie  Liver,  C.B.,  writes  : 
"  I  found  no  very  great  difficulty  in 
moving  the  trunk  when  we  left  Pickle- 
kidnie  for  Devilishpoore  (our  present 
station)  as  I  was  able  to  charter  a 
traction-engine  for  the  purpose." 

"  I  have  persuaded  my  husband  to 
let  me  use  his  fascinating  trunk  for  my 
'hats." — H.  DELANEY  KNOX  (Mrs.). 


"We  wish  you  every  success  ! 
A  boon  to  trade.  It  undoubtedly 
fills  a  gap." — MANAGER,  West-Eastern 
Railway. 

THB  PATENT  MILITARY  HAT  TRUNK. 

NOTICE. 

Owing  to  the  Army  Council's  recent 
issue  of  a  new  "  Shako,"  the  PATENT 
MILITARY  HAT  TBUNK  will  necessarily 
have  to  be  enlarged. 


The  Daily  Mirror  finishes  up  its 
description  of  an  encounter  with  bur- 
glars thus : — 

"  He  threw  up  the  window  of  his  room  and 
fired  with  a  revolver  at  a  man  below,  who 
escaped.  The  only  article  of  value  missed  was 
an  old  silver  e'pergne." 

It  most  be  a  consolation  to  the  marks- 
man to  know  that,  even  if  he  missed  | 
the  burglar,  he  scored  several  bulls 
among  the  old  silver.  Amid  the  hnil 
of  bullets  the  epergne  seems  to  have 
borne  a  charmed  life. 


340 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


10,  1911. 


"SAISON    RUSSE." 

IF  Harry  had  not  been  so  anxious  to 
take  me  to  820  the  Eussian  Dancers, 
it  would  never  have  happened;  as  it 
was,  MICHAEL  MORDKIN  entirely  upset 
all  my  previous  ideas  of  manly  beauty 
in  general,  and  Harry's  in  particular. 
In  the  Tube  going  home  my  throbbing 
brain  was  tilled  with  soul -stirring 
memories  of  that  gay  and  glorious 
young  Greek  god — or  was  it  a  shepherd? 
— anyhow,  it  was  something  with  dark 
clustering  curls  and  a  bow  and  arrow, 
who,  with  one  of  his  exquisite,  intoxi- 
catingly  exquisite  leaps,  had  landed 


"  Eight  0,"  said  Harry,  a  note  of 
gladness  in  his. 

"Oh,  ho  was  glorious,  wonderful, 
never,  ncyer-to-be-forgotten,"  I  mur- 
mured passionately. 

"  Who  ?  "  inquired  Harry. 

"  MICHAEL,"  I  replied  softly.  "  Oh, 
Harry,  those  beautiful  leaps  of  his, 
when  he  hung  poised  in  the  air  for  a 
moment,  with  one  symmetrical  leg 
trailing  behind ! " 

"  That  'a  easy  enough,"  remarked 
Harry  scornfully  ;  "  it 's  only  hurdling 
without  the  hurdles." 

"  Easy,  is  it? "  I  retorted.  "  I  should 
like  to  see  you  do  it,  anyhow." 


!  perfect  grace  and  beauty  as  hers, 
poised  on  the  tips  of  those  wonderful 
little  feet." 

"Oh,  that's  only  a  trick,"  I  said; 
"  anyone  can  do  it  with  practice." 

"Can  they?"  said  Harry.  He 
looked  at  me,  as  I  thought,  with 
a  rather  contemptuous  expression,  and 
lo  !  I  seemed  to  see  myself  stodgy  and 
insignificant,  dowdily  clad  and  plainly 
featured.  It  was  horrid,  so  \\~as  the 
remote  far-away  look  in  Harry's  eyes. 
He  has  beautiful  blue  eyes,  by  the 
way,  but  just  then  they  seemed  to  be 
looking  right  beyond  and  above  me. 

"  Yes,  she 's  quite  good,"  I  remarked 


LIKE    TO    LIKE. 


straight  into  a  heart  I  had  hitherto 
believed  -wa»  exclusively  engaged  by 
another.  Then  I  woke  from  my 
rainbow  visions,  looked  across  at  Harry 
on  the  opposite  seat,  and  realized  with 
a  horrid  pang  that  I  had  promised  to 
marry  him.  How  heavy,  how  dull, 
how  earthly  he  looked ;  how  unromantic 
his  bowler  hat,  how  depressing  his 
overcoat,  how  terribly  commonplace 
his  tweed  trousers !  Could  I  bear  it  ? 
My  eyes  closed.  Again  the  gay  and 
graceful  young  god,  or  whatever  he 
was,  flashed  across  my  vision,  and  I 
decided  I  could  not. 

"  Well,"  said  Harry,  with  an  evident 
effort,  as  we  walked  home,  "  what  did 
you  think  of  it  ?  " 

"  We  must  go  again ! "  I  answered  in 
a  suppressed  voice. 


"  You  have,"  he  replied ;  "  you  saw 
me  win  the  hurdles  last  year." 

His  words  called  up  a  vivid  recollec- 
tion of  a  lanky  youth  in  shorts  with 
a  red  face  and  dishevelled  hair 
scrambling  over  a  few  fences  in  a  foggy 
field.  I  drew  in  my  breath  with  a 
shudder  and  said  no  more,  but  once 
again  sank  into  a  blissful  nerve-vibrat- 
ing reverie.  Then  I  became  aware  that 
Harry  had  apparently  forgotten  my 
existence  and  was  talking  to  himself. 

"Divine!"  he  murmured;  "beauti- 
ful mocking  sprite!  A  drifting  rose- 
petal,  a  floating  feather !  " 

"  What  are  you  burbling  about  ?  " 
I  said  sharply. 

"ANNA,"  he  answered  softly — "ANNA 
PAVLOVA — or  however  you  pronounce 
it.  I  had  never  dreamed  of  such 


briskly.  He  made  no  reply,  but  his 
head  drooped  dejectedly.  I  forgot  my 
own  hopelessness  and  slipped  my  hand 
in  his.  His  fingers  closed  round  mine 
and  our  eyes  met  in  a  long  understand- 
ing look  of  mutual  sympathy. 

"  Harry,  old  man,"  I  faltered,  "  on 
second  thoughts  1  think  we  won't  go 
again." 

"Eight  O,  little  woman,"  he  replied, 
and  we  sighed  two  big  sighs  of  mingled 
regret  and  relief. 


"The  public  if  Nelson  have  now  the  op- 
portunity of  hearing  Mdle.  Antonio  Dolores, 
whose  name  is  legion  all  over  the  world." 

The  Culonist. 

Except  in  England,  where  there  are 
comparatively  few  women  called  An- 
tonio. 


MAY  10,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


341 


"I'M  OEFXX   THANKFUL   I   Als'l   A   COPPKIl.      MUST    BE    A    TEJIOUS    LIFE    'AXOIN*    ABAIIT    AN*   LOITERIX*." 


ALL   GIELS. 
A  PROTEST. 

SIB, — I  wish  as  a  man  to  record  an 
injustice  to  men  and  to  lodge  a  com- 
plaint against  theatre-managers  and 
dramatists — whichever  of  them  it  is 
that  gives  new  plays  their  titles. 

My  grievance  is  that  the  impres- 
sion conveyed  by  these  titles  is 
that  only  women  are  interesting  on 
the  stage.  Go  to  any  play  you  like 
and  you  will  find  that  the  men  in  it 
are  as  important  as  the  women ;  and 
yet,  if  the  tiile  is  to  be  trusted,  women, 
and  only  women,  are  involved.  How 
often  does  a  man  get  into  the  title?  I 
ask  you.  One  did  recently — in  "The 
Man  from  Mexico  " — and  before  that 
we  had  "  A  Man's  Shadow  "  and  "  The 
Man  from  Blankley's " ;  but  how  few 
and  far  between!  Look  at  the  plays 
of  the  moment  in  any  newspaper.  The 
first  to  catch  the  eye  is  "  The  Quaker 
Girl."  Girl,  you  observe.  Why  not 
Quaker  Boy  ?  Because  (I  am  told)  no 
one  would  then  go  to  see  it  I  True ; 
but  what  aa  injustice  to  man,  equal  to 


any  of  the  so-called  injustices  to  women 
of  which  we  hear  so  much — too  much. 
Then  "Peggy,"  then  "Lady  Patricia," 
then  "A  Doll's  House,"  then  "  Fanny's 
First  Play  "  (why  not  "  George's  Last 
Play"  for  example?),  then  "Cousin 
Kate,"  then  "  The  Girl  in  the  Train  "— 
always  girls,  you  notice.  There  are 
men  in  this  train  too — otherwise  there 
would  be  no  drama  (there  isn't  very 
much  any  way) — but  do  you  suppose 
it  ever  occurred  to  the  author  or  man- 
ager to  name  it  after  them  ?  Never ! 
And  what  had  come  before  it  ?  "  The 
Girls  of  Gottenberg,"  "The  Shop 
Girl,"  "The  Balkan  Princess,"  "The 
Dollar  Princess,"  "The  Merry  Widow" 
(are  widowers  never  merry,  then?), 
"The  Woman  in  the  Case,"  and  myriads 
more. 

Girls,  girls,  girls — that  is  the  rule ; 
and  the  nauseous  part  of  it  is  (as  I 
must  admit)  that  the  rule  was  drawn 
np  by  men.  There  is  no  esprit-de- 
corps.  That  is  what  England  wants — 
esprit-de-corps. 

I  am,  yours,  etc., 

AN  INTERESTING  MAN. 


"  Bridegro<  m  to  In-Mr-mui  Is  —  Tcunialine 
car-rings  ami  tumaliue  brooch." 

Cumberland  A'ctcs. 

A  pity  ;  they  ought  to  have  matched. 

The  Advertisement :  "  Wanted  a  quiet 
Confidential  Hack,  for  a  lady  beginner. 
Must  not  be  expensive." — Times  of 
India. 

The  Reply :  "  MADAM, — Having  read 
an  advertisament  in  to-day's  Times  of 
India  that  you  require  a  quiet  and  con- 
fidential hack,  I  bog  to  apply  myself  for 
the  place.  I  am  a  graduate  of  the  Bom- 
bay University,  having  passed  my  B.A. 
in  1910.  I  belong  to  a  very  good  and 
respectable  family.  I  am  at  present 
•without  any  employment  whatsoever, 
and  hence  I  can  very  well  serve  you  as 
a  hack.  As  to  terms,  I  shall  be  glad 
to  accept  any  reasonable  offer  made  by 
you.  We  can  talk  about  the  matter,  if 
you  will  kindly  write  to  me  to  see  you 
personally  in  the  matter  at  your  place, 
which  I  shall  do  with  the  greatest 
pleasure  and  the  utmost  speed. 
"Yours  faithfully, 


342 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  10,  1911. 


OUR  CORONATION    ODE. 

UPLIFT  thee,  Muse — 

(By  Hie  way  I  ought  to  have  said  at  once  that  tins  Ude 
is  going  to  be  recited  by  Mrs.  Banting-Bate  in  our 
village  on  Coronation  Day.    The  Vicar  asked  me 
to  write  it,  and  though  I  am  not  much  good  at 
poetry  I  couldn't  very  well  refuse.) 
Uplift  thee,  Muse,  and  sing  us  how  and  when 
Beneath  the  shadow  of  the  Larger  Ben 
The  King  of  England  and  the  Queen  were  crowned- 
With  luruti-umti-umti  standing  round — 

(/  have  still  to  put  the  finishing-touches  to  my  Ode,  but 
I  want  to  make  the  scheme  of  it  public  before  the 
other  poets  come  out  with  theirs ;  so  that  no  one  can 
accuse  me  afterwards  of  plagiarism.) 
Uplift  thee,  Muse,  and  sing  us  why  and  where 
So  many  what-d'you-call-'eins  sit  and  stare 
Upon  the  King  of  England  and  the  Queen 
In  tooral-ooral  urnti-something  sheen — 

(You,  see  the  idea.) 

But  most  uplift  thee,  Muse,  to  tell  of  those 
Who,  for  the  lack  of  necessary  clothes, 
Or  else  because  they  do  not  like  a  crush, 
Remain  behind  at  Bewdlay-on-the-Mush—  (our  village). 
Their  hearts  beat  just  as  loyally  as  if, 
Clad  in  a  something-umthing  collar  stiff, 
Or  in  a  lumti-tumti  harem  gown 
They  'd  left  the  country  for  the  stifling  town. 
Loyalty  bursts  from  every  heart  in  spates, 
But,  most  of  all,  from  Mr.  Banting-Bate's ! — 

(Husband  of  Mrs.  Banting-Bate.    He  has  very  kindly 
lent  his  hill  for  the  bonfire.     There  ivill  be  a  pause 
here,  while  the  Vicar  leads  the  cheering.) 
Lo,  lightly  dawns  at  last  the  day  of  Kings, 
Of  Pomps  and  Power  and  Pageantry  and  things, 
"When  to  the  Abbey  goes  beloved  George — 
Ter-rumti-umti-umti  forge  or  gorge — 

(This  line  doesn't  look  very  promising  at  present.) 
Archbishop,  Bishop,  Dean,  Archdeacon,  Priest, 
Gathered  from  North  and  South  and  West  and  East, 
Duke,  Marquis,  Earl,  Baron  and  Baronet 
And  Viscount  too,  in  solemn  conclave  met, 
Salute  him,  England's  monarch—"  George  the  Fifth  ! ' 
(Tremendous    applause,    led    by    Mr.   Banting  -  Bate. 
I  hope  it  will  go  on  long  enough  to  hide  the  fact 
that  we  are  going  to  lose  a  line  here.     The  fact  is 
there  is  simply  no  rhyme  to  "fifth.") 
And  lo !  the  cheers  break  forth,  both  long  and  loud, 
From  everybody  in  the  Abbey's  crowd — 
From  Duke  and  Deacon,  from  The  Daily  Mail's 
Own  correspondent  and  the  Prince  of  Wales. 
Still  more  they  cheer  (how  much  I  cannot  tell) 
As  soon  as  good  Queen  Mary 's  crowned  as  well — 
(Applawe  kd  by  Mrs.  Blstherstone,  ivho  inaugurated 

the  Mary  Fund  in  our  village.) 
The  ceremony  over,  then  they  go 
Around  the  city  in  procession  slow ; 
In  all  the  pageantry  of  pomp  and  power 
They  ride  through  London  for  about  an  hour — (roughly. 
Let  us,  dear  people,  let  us  leave  them  there — 
So  kingly,  queenly,  noble  and  so  fair. 

(A  pause,  whik  Miss  Gathers  of  the  Post  Office  presenL 

Mrs.  Banting-Bate  with  a  glass  of  water.) 
So  much  for  that.     And  now  a  solemn  hush 
Comes  o'er  us  here  in  Bewdlay-on-the-Mush. 
These  scenes  which  I  have  tried  to  adumbrate — 
The  Coronation  and  the  March  in  State — 
These  scenes  are  not  for  us — except,  I  hope, 


Upon  the  Little  Bewdlay  bioscope. 

But  even  here,  remote  from  King  and  Queen, 

How  great  our  prepai'at-i-ons  have  been  ! 

Some  say  the  tale  of  it  has  darkly  spread 

From  Upper  Bewdlay  down  to  Bewdlay  Head — 

(Two  important  towns  in  the  neighbourhood.) 
Who  knows  but  what  a  rumour  of  the  thing 
Has  oven  reached  our  gracious  Queen  and  King ! 
How  that  a  certain  resident  of  fame — (Mr.  Banting -Bate) 
Has  nobly  lent  the  place  which  bears  his  name— 

(Banting  Place.     Mr.  Bate  took  the  additional  name 

of  Banting  u-hen  he  took  the  place.     And,  to  be 

exact,  he  has  only  lent  one  hill  on  the  Estate.} 
That  there  a  bonfire  might  be  built  and  burnt 
And  lessons  too  of  loyalty  be  learnt — 

(I  mean,  of  course,  that  the  bonfire  will  in  itself  be  a 

lesson.      Not  that  any  sort  of  continuation  class 

will  be  held  upon  the  ashes.) 
Moreover,  how  the  Vicar  will  assist 
Supported  bynis  kindly  wife,  I  wist — 

(Not  good — and  might  easily  bz  misinterpreted.     Will 

alter) 

When  all  the  children  each  receive  a  mug 
Designed  by  Mrs.  Welkington  (nee  Sugg) — 

(An  extraordinary  lit   of   luck.     I  don't    know  wliat 

I  should  have  done  for  a  rhyme  otherwise.) 
Next,  Muse,  take  out  thy  lyre  and  sing  the  song 
Short-long,  short-long,  short-long,  short-long,  short-long 
(A  difficulty  Jure  being  that  the  rest  of  the  celebrations 

are  not  yet  decided  upon.     However,  I  anticipate 

no  trouble  ichen  once  the  facts  are  in  my  hands.) 

*  *  *  :;:*#* 

Now  let  us  turn  our  thoughts  across  the  sea 
To  where  the  Union  Jack  is  waving  free  I 
I  breathe  upon  my  magic  harp  and  sing 
The  what's-its-name  of  what-d'you-call-the-thing — 

(/  want  a  good  phrase  for  Empire.) 
For  lo  !  ter-umti-tooral-ooral-ay — 

(This  part  is  all  a  little  in  the  rough  at  present.     When 
polished  up  it  will  take  up  about  ten  lines.     After 
that  it  will  finish  up  quite  quickly  like  this) 
And  now,  good  people,  one  thing  still  remains 
Ere  we  go  out  into  the  fields  and  lanes ; 
One  thing  before  we  leave  this  solemn  scene — 
Namely  to  cry  "  God  Save  the  King  and  Queen !  " 

A.  A.  M. 


THE   UNHAPPY   MEAN. 

THE  man  had  gone  on  his  bended  knee  and  proposed  |' 
marriage  to  a  lady,  and  the  lady,  being  willing  to  marry 
and  not  otherwise  engaged,  had  said   "  Yes,"  or  uttered 
sounds  to  that  effect.     The  parents  had  consented,  and 
in  due  course  had  telephcnad  to  the  London  Stores  and 
ordered  a  wedding.     But  neither  the  lucky  man,  nor  the 
accommodating  lady,  nor  either   of   the   affable  parents,  | 
was  the  leading    character    in    this    drama.      The    pro-  } 
tagonists   were    a    nasty  young  man    in    patent  leather  j 
boots,  whose  duty  it  was  to  show  the  invited  guests  to 
their  proper  seats  in  the  church,  and  a  nice  old  gentle- 
man in  spats,  who  attended  the  ceremony  in  the  double 
capacity  of  uncle  of  the  bride  and  second  cousin  of  the 
bridegroom. 

"This  way,  please,"  said  the  young  man  to  the  elder  as 
he  met  him  at  the  door  and  took  him  in  charge.  "  Rela- 
tives of  the  bride  will  sit  on  the  left  side  of  the  aisle, 
relatives  of  the  bridegroom  on  the  right.  Which  are  you  ?" 

"  Both,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  pleasantly ;  "  shall  I 
stand  in  the  aisle  ?  " 


MAY  10,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAEIVARI. 


343 


ROYAL   ACADEMY    FIRST    DEPRESSIONS. 


'igfl 


•  |  WONBEK.  HowcvtR.  MUCH  Lan^n  PADDYS 

COINO   TO  KCiP  Vi  HANOINO    A60UT  UKC  T>4lS  I!'.    Ali 

T«e  HOL'BAY*  ABE  COINO  '    WISH  HE'O  DO  MIS  Punf 

WORK    INSTtOO    Of   KRrENDINO    H£S    A    REAL  AKTBT 


..;.-!••  f 
'  (TAX!  »j& 
RlSKO 

03 


«.!(;<•  K. 


THE  LATEST  TVUNG  IM  PARtS  HATS 

IN    DOVtft  HARBOUR-     UNDtW- 
THE  SOMEWHAT  TRUSTFUL  NAVCATION  of 


im\  ; 

CILBERT  CHESTERTOI? 

PtSf-UliEO     IN  A  WAY    WHICHIUOUL. 
I.K.A5LE  HIM    UITH    IMPUNITY    TO  A.TTEN& 


DONNA     QUlXOTE.THt    SUFFR/vit    'j^COI'T. 

LOOKING  INTO  TM6  PRONUSLD  LAI 
OR.  POCR  SPORT  IN  THE 
SINAI  PENINSULA: 


344 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  10,  1911. 


THE    PRICE    OF    HONOUR. 

Irreverent  Youth.  "I  SUPPOSE  IF  THEY  OFFERED  YOU  ONE  OF  THOSE  VETO  PEERAGES  YOU'D  SWALLOW  THIS  IKSULT?" 

Pompota  Radical  (his  uncle  by  marriage).  "I  HOPE  I  SHOULD  BE  FUEI-ABED  TO  MAKE  ANY  SACRIFICE  FOE  MY  COUNTRY'S  WELFAHE, 

JITO  IfATJSR    WHAT  IT  COST  IIS." 


FIRST    IMPRESSIONS. 
No.  2. — MY  INTRODUCTION  TO  GRASSO. 
Thrilling  experiences  of  Mr.  F.  C.  Selous. 

IN  a  life  so  largely  given  up  to  big 
game  shooting  as  mine,  there  has 
naturally  been  little  time  for  the  more 
polite  and  pacific  amenities  of  civiliza- 
tion. Hence  I  have  seen  but  few  plays 
and  met  fewer  players.  When  therefore 
1  received,  last  week,  an  invitation  to 
visit  the  Hippodrome  and  see  the 
Sicilians  and  afterwards  sup  with  the 
famous  Signor  GRASSO  I  gladly  con- 
sented. 

Of  the  play  I  say  nothing.  It  was 
Malia,  and  sufficiently  thrilling ;  but  I 
am  no  dramatic  critic.  But  of  GRASSO, 
as  I  met  him  after  the  play,  I  have 
done  little  but  think  since,  and  can 
write  freely  now  that  my  arm  is  better 
and  the  bandages  are  off  my  head. 

But  let  me  toll  the  story  as  it 
happened.  We  were  to  meet  in  a 
private  room  in  an  Italian  restaurant. 
I  arrived  first,  and  was  standing  by 
the  fireplace  meditating  on  the  Sicilians 


and  their  emotional  art  when  I  was 
conscious  of  a  thundering  on  the  stairs 
and  a  tremor  of  the  whole  building, 
accompanied  by  a  rich  roaring  as  of  a 
peculiarly  unctuous  lion.  As  the  sound 
drew  nearer  I  could  distinguish  some 
Italian  words,  among  them  prominently 
"  Illustrissima  Inglese,"  "  Haraviglioso 
cacciatore,"  and  "  Tiratore  intrepido." 
Then  with  a  crash  the  door  was 
burst  in,  and  into  the  room  there 
sprang  the  ardent  Sicilian  with  his 
arms  outstretched.  He  made  but  one 
spring  and  was  on  me.  We  fell  together, 
his  teeth  affectionately  but  firmly 
fleshed  in  my  left  ear  and  his  arms 
embracing  me  with  the  grip  of  a 
boa-constrictor.  All  the  while  he  was 
uttering  expressions  indicative  of  the 
joy  it  gave  him  to  be  privileged  to  meet 
me,  whom  he  styled  his  "incompara- 
bile  gallo  dl  combattimento." 

I  struggled  to  get  free,  but  in  vain. 
I  replied  in  my  best'  Italian  that  the 
honour  was  no  Lss  mine,  and  I  was 
proud  indeed  to  be  on  terms  of  intimacy 
with  such  an  artist.  He  liked  this  and 
changed  to  my  other  ear.  At  length 


ho  released  me  and  rose,  and,  seizing 
a  glass  from  the  table,  filled  it  with 
Chianti,  emptied  it  at  a  draught  and 
flung  it  to  the  ground,  vowing  that  no 
one  should  use  it  again.  A  fragment 
rebounding  flew  in  my  face  and  cut  my 
cheek,  thus  completing  the  ruin  both  of 
my  features  and  of  my  dress-shirt. 

For  a  few  moments  GRASSO  remained 
quiet;  then  with  a  terrific  smile  he 
observed  "  Andiamo "  and  pointed 
to  the  door,  which  opened  into  a 
gallery  overlooking  the  main  hall  of 
the  restaurant.  Scarcely  had  I  got 
outside  when  he  seized  me  with  an  iron 
grip,  called  me  the  most  wonderful 
man  he  had  ever  met,  kissed  me 
twenty-two  times  on  each  cheek,  and 
observing  in  a  hoarse  voice,  "  Volii 
i,ubito,"  leapt  over  tho  rail  on  to  seven 
members  of  the  Stock  Exchange,  who 
were  supping  together. 

My  impressions  of  GRASSC  are  still 
vivid,  but  my  doctor  assures  me  they 
will  gradually  fade  away.  Meanwhile 
1  am  planning  a  new  tour  to  the 
Zambesi  for  rest  and  quiet  among  the 
man-eaters. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHABIVARI.— MAY  10,  1911. 


THORNS    IN    THE    WOOLSACK. 

Lono  HALSBURY  (to  Lord  Loreburn).  "  OF  COURSE,  MY  DEAR  FELLOW,  I  DON'T  WANT  TO 
PREACH  TO  YOU,  BUT  IMPARTIALITY  IS  THE  BEST  POLICY.  LOOK  AT  ME.  I  NEVER 
GOT  INTO  TROUBLE  WITH  JUT  PARTY  1" 


MAY  10,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


347 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OP  TOBY,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Momln/,  Muyl. — 
A  dozen  questions  addressed  to  PRKMIKR 
drafted  with  intent  to  pull  up  LOUD 
CHANCKI.LOR  us  he  strays  down  Prim- 
rose path  that  leads  to  swamping  of 
magisterial  ix-nch  with  good  Con- 
servatives. For  full  fortnight  II.  H., 
bold  and  skilful  horseman,  has  refused 
tliis  fence.  General  conviction 
that  he  must  take  it  to-day. 
And  ho  did,  with  dexterity  that 
increases  his  renown. 

Charge,  briefly  put,  is  that 
LOUD  CHANCELLOR,  member  of 
a  Liberal  Government,  person- 
ally regarded  as  ultra-Radical 
before  he  found  salvation  in 
House  of  Lords,  so  far  from  re- 
dressing balance  of  Parties  on 
magisterial  bench  as  le't  by  his 
predecessor,  even  excelled  that 
eminent  purist  in  snubbing 
Liberal  candidates,  systemati- 
cally filling  up  vacancies  by 
appointment  of  men  from  oppo- 
site political  camp.  Categorical 
instances  submitted  in  abund- 
ance in  support  of  charge. 
Would  PBIME  MINISTER,  at  last 
brought  to  bay,  defend  this  pro- 
cedure on  part  of  his  colleague, 
or  would  he  lament,  even  de- 
nounce it  ? 

Well,  he  said  nothing  about 
it.  Rapidly  reaJing  from  manu- 
script he  cited  particulars  of  the 
appointment,  actual  and  proxi- 
mate, of  Advisory  Committees 
who  would  undertake  to  submit 
to  LORD  CHANCELLOR  names  of 
desirable  J.P.'s. 

"In  England  22  of  these 
Committees  have  been  ap- 
pointed ;  in  Wales  5 ;  in  Scot- 
land 9;  making  36  in  all. 
Arrangements  for  the  establish- 
ment of  Committees  are  now 
proceeding  in  17  English,  4 
Welsh  and  10  Scottish  counties, 
and  when  they  are  completed 
67  Committees  will  have  been 
set  up." 

The  PREMIKR,  looking  up  from  manu- 
script, surveyed  crowded  House  with 
air  of  modest  triumph.  What  more 
could  moderate  men  desire?  Sixty- 
seven  Advisory  Committees !  He  almost 
audibly  smacked  his  lips  as  he  repeated 
the  sum -total. 

Meanwhile  Ministerialists  in  revolt 
below  Gangway  gasped  for  breath. 
What  they  wanted  was  to  get  at  the 
LORD  CHANCELLOR,  and  here  they  were 
dowsed  with  floods  of  Advisory  Com- 
mittees. There  was  one  point  in  con- 
nection with  this  subject  which,  if 


touched  upon,  might  have  invested  it 
with  interest.  According  to  testimony 
of  the  incomparable  Gustos  Rotulorum 
of  the  Isle  of  Ely,  when  he  submitted 
to  LORD  CHANCELLOR  six  names  of 
desirable  J.P.'s  (who,  to  his  intense 
surprise,  turned  out  to  be  all  prominent 
local  Conservatives),  the  LORD  CHAN- 
CELLOR suggested  that  they  should  be 
submitted  to  the  Advisory  Committee. 
Gustos  Rotulorum  explained  that  he 


re-appears  with  a   "Triumphant  Tariff 
Reform  Majority  "  of  4. 
(Introduced  by  Mr.  M.  H.  HICKS-BEACH  and 
Mr.  H.  TERRELL.) 


was  going  off  on  holiday  trip  to 
Egypt  first  thing  in  the  morning. 
Accordingly  suggestion  not  insisted 
upon,  and  the  list  accepted  without 
further  question.  What  did  the 
PREMIER  think  of  that  as  bearing 
on  efficiency  of  his  panacea? 

He  may  have  thought  a  good  deal, 
Certainly  he  said  nothing.  Concluded 
by  refusing  to  provide  facilities  for 
discussing  whole  question.  So,  amid 
ominous  murmurs  on  Ministerial 
benches,  answered  by  jubilant  cheers 
from  Opposition,  incident  closed.  Only 


temporarily,  SARK  believes.  Anyhow, 
first  round  decidedly  in  favour  of  LOUD 
CHANCELLOR. 

AGG-GAHDNEB,  back  after  long  ab- 
sence, received  warm  personal  greeting 
from  both  sides  on  taking  Oath  and 
seat  for  Cheltenham,  recaptured  for 
the  Unionists  by  a  majority  of  four. 

Business  done. — Still  harping  in  Com- 
mittee on  Clause  2  of  Parliament  Bill. 
Tuesday. — Rather  pretty  little  inci- 
dent varied  dulness  of  Question 
Hour.  In  temporary  absence 
of  MINISTER  OF  EDUCATION  the 
PARLIAMENTARY  SECRETARY  TO 
BOARD  answered  series  of 
questions  propounded  by  the 
pertinacious  WILLIE  PEEL  and 
the  hortatory  HOARE.  Great 
opportunity  for  young  Minister. 
EUNCIMAN  all  very  well  in  his 
way;  perhaps  a  little  disposed 
to  be  curt  and  off-hand.  With- 
out assuming  air  of  superiority 
foreign  to  a  modest  nature 
TREVELYAN  might  show — at 
least  suggest — a  better  way. 

Accordingly,  in  response  to 
the  two  groups  of  questions  he 
prepared  a  couple  of  speeches 
crowded  with  informing  detail, 
in  length  about  the  proportion 
of  a  chapter  in  the  "  Life  of 
Garibaldi."  When,  standing  at 
the  table,  he  concluded  reading 
of  first  two  foolscap  folios  deal- 
ing with  what  in  associations 
of  the  hour  may  ba  called  the 
preamble  of  PEEL'S  Shorter 
Catechism,  there  was  a  move- 
ment of  restlessness  on  benches 
opposite.  Clearing  his  throat 
and  embarking  on  the  third  folio, 
was  interrupted  by  a  cheer. 

This  as  agreeable  as  it  was 
unexpected.  Honourable 
Gentlemen  seated  in  neigh- 
bourhood of  WINTERTON  and 
BANBURY  rarely  show  them- 
selves disposed  to  encourage 
merit  on  Treasury  Bench. 
Evident  from  renewed  cheer 
as  TREVELYAN,  with  fuller  as- 
surance, in  slightly  raised  voice, 

continued    the  reading   that 

they  were  touched  at  last.  The 
PARLIAMENTARY  SECRETARY  blushed 
with  pleasure.  Handsomely  recognised 
that  success  not  entirely  his  own.  Was 
indebted  to  colleagues  on  permanent 
staff  for  the  full  particulars  he  lavished 
on  an  entranced  audience.  Still,  ex- 
tremest  modesty  could  not  ignore  cir- 
cumstance that  it  was  he  who  had 
garnered  the  sheaves  of  information 
and  deftly  arranged  them  in  a  pro- 
digious shock. 

When  fifth  folio  was  turned  over, 
enthusiasm  of  Opposition  began  to 


348 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  10,  1911. 


grow    embarrassing.       Reading    con-  tremblingly  undertook  that  the  affront 


eluded,  the  PARLIAMENTARY  SECRETARY 
esumed  his  seat  amid  hilarious  burst 
f  cheering. 
Performance  repeated  when  he  pro- 


should  be  removed. 

Tliero  was  something  in  JOYCE'S 
suggestion,  much  applauded  by  House, 
that  in  future  maps  the  Orkney  Is- 


duced    second    sheaf    of    manuscript  lands  should   ha   drawn   to  the  scale 

reparatory    to    replying    to    HOARE.  of  the  sitting  Member. 

Jnce,  the  continuous  rumbling  of  cheers!     Business  done.— Invalidity   and  in- 

ising  to  jubilant  shout  as  a  third  folio  surance  Bill  introduced. 

vas  turned  over,  TKEVELYAN  looked  up 
with  sharp  glance  of  suspicion.  Were 

ho  fellows  opposite  ku'king?     Was  it 

>ossible  they  were  not   in  earnest   in 

lesire  to  have  explained  the  ramifi- 
cations of  Article  14  of  the  Technical 


MORE    M.C.C.    LAWS. 
WE  are  asked  to  state  that  at  the 
Annual  General  Meeting  of  the  M.C.C., 
which    took    place    on    May    3rd,   in 


square-leg  umpire  ;  but  no  contribution 
to  it-  shall,  however,  be  made  by  any 
player  who  has  retired  to  the  pavilion 
for  refreshment. 

5.  The  curve  described  by  fast  bowlers 
in  their  run-up,  the  starting-point  of 
which,  when  measured  by  the  bowler, 
may  be  marked  by  the  excavation  of  a 
large  hole  in  the  turf,  shall  not  exceed 
two  full  cricket  pitches  in  length. 

6.  The  fast  bowler  having  arrived  at 
the  crease  and  being  about  to  deliver 
the  ball,  the  batsman,  if  playing  against 
him,  may  compel  him  to  stop  and  do 
the  whole  thing  over  again,  on  the 


cations  Ot  Article    1*    Ol    MM  J.OCUUUHM    «nuw     uw».     i/.-  — j      -  |  -     -  -  "    •     ,,         '     .,.' 

School  Regulations,  1910  ?     Were  the  '  addition  to  the  alterations  and  amend- 1  plea  that  someone  in   lie  pavilion  seats 


Regulations  expressed  in  Article 
29  (b),  applicable  to  Evening 
Schools,  nought  to  them? 
FREVELYAN  began  to  be  doubt- 
ul.  On  the  whole  thought  it 
well  to  hurry  up,  omitting  a 
>rief  historical  review  of  cir- 
cumstances preceding  the  enact- 
ment of  Article  14.  This  will 
>robably  be  printed  and  cir- 
iulated  with  other  papers. 

Busiticss  done. — By  sitting 
,ight  and  taking  no  thought  of 
,he  morrow  when  night  was 
merged  in  it,  Clause  2,  crucial 
enactment  of  Parliament  Bill, 
massed  through  Committee. 

Thursday . — C  ATHC ART 
WAS  ON,  loyal  Ministerialist, 
does  not  desire  to  embarrass 
the  Government,  at  least  not 
whilst  Parliament  Bill  is  still 
in  hand.  But  it  is  well  known 
there  are  circumstances  under 
which  the  reluctant  worm,  not 
to  speak  of  the  Brobdingnagian 
boa-constrictor,  will  turn. 

These  culminated  in  dis- 
covery that  in  maps  circulated 
by  the  Road  Board  the  Orkney 
Islands,  which  CATHCART  has 
the  privilege  of  representing  in 
Parliament,  are  shown  on  a 
smaller  scale  than  the  rest  of  the  United 
Kingdom. 

Seem  to  remember  that,  when  at  the 
General  Election  of  1905  there  was 
talk  of  BROTHER  EUGENE  going  to 
assist  BROTHER  CATHCAHT  in  his  can- 
didature for  Orkney,  SAHK  circulated 
report  to  effect  that  at  a  public  meet- 
ing, held  in  Kirkwall  Court  House, 
protest  was  made  on  ground  of  public 
safety.  There  was,  it  was  insisted, 
no  room  on  the  island  for  both  the 


NONE  SO  BLIND  AS  THOSE  WHO  WONT  SEE. 


behind  the  probable  line  of  flight 
of  the  ball,  is  about  to  sneeze. 

7.  A  player  being  at  once  an 
Authentic  (or  Crusader)  'and  a 
Free  Forester,  shall  wear  the 
blazer  of  the  former   and  the 
sash  of  the   latter,   and    shall 
also  (if  entitled  to  do  so)  wear 
an  M.C.C.  sweater ;  always  pro- 
vided that   he   be  not  playing 
for  any  of   those  c'.ubs  at  the 
time. 

8.  All  players  shall  have  their 
trousers  turned  up  at  the  bottom 
in  a  line  running  at  right  angles 
to  their  crease.     The  border  so 
formed    shall   be  at   least   one 
inch  and  a  half  deep,  and  shall 
leave  an  hiatus  of  at  least  two 
inches  between  the  bottom  ol 
the   dado  and   the  top  of  the 
boot.      But    if    the    player   be 
wearing  white  socks  with  fancy 
clocks,   the    said    hiatus    shal 
measure    not    less   than   three 
inches. 

9.  Players  shall  not  wear  a 
cap,  but  shall  have  their  hair  long 
enough,  in  the  opinion  of  the 
umpire,  to  touch  the  tip  of  the 
nose.   Tr.e  hair  shall  be  brushec 
as  far  as  possible  parallel,  anc 
not  at  right  angles,  to  the  crease 


which  shall  be  drawn  preferably  in  th 
centre  of  the  matting.  The  matting 
shall  be  maintained  uncracked  and  in 
good  condition  by  the  application  o 


ments  to  existing  laws,  it  was  also 
decided  to  formulate  the  following 
Unwritten  (Amateur)  Laws  : — 

1.  Players  shall,  in  the  best  interests 

of  the  game,  refrain  from  emerging  grease  regularly  throughout  the  season 
from  the  pavilion  for  at  least  a  quarter  j  the  best  results  being  secured  by  t 
of  an  hour  after  the  umpires  have  gone  j  mixture  of  linseed  and  olive  oil  in 

equal  parts. 

The  Secretary  will  be  glad  to  hear  o 

any  other  Unwritten  (Amateur)  Law 

suitable  for  embodiment  in  the  M.C.C 

Rules. 


out. 


2.  A  player  who,  on  returning  to  the 
pavilion  at  the  conclusion  of  his  inn- 
ings, is  received  with  applause,  shall 
break  into  a  lumbering  run  for  the  last 


Bounding  Brothers, whose  united  height  dozen  yards,  at  the  same  time  being 
approaches  14  feet,   whose  combined  careful  not  to  trip  on  the  pavilion  steps. 


weight  would  (if  the  scales  held  out) 


way.       It    did    not 


mark  39  stone. 

That    by    the 

seriously  affect  weight  of  CATHCART'S 
grievance.  HOBHOUSE  judiciously  ab- 
sent, ILLINGWORTH,  acting  as  Deputy, 


3.  An  appeal  for  l.b.w.  shall  not  be 
regarded  as  a  "  confident  "  appeal  un- 
less it  include  an  ejaculation  on  the 
part  of  long-leg. 

4.  A  "general"  appeal  for  l.b.w.  shall 
be  any  appeal  loud  enough  to  wake  the 


"Regent's  Paik  is  now  ablaze  with  tnlir 
iu  an  iulinite  and  enchanting  variety  of  hues. 

But,  above  all,  the  park  is  now  ablaze  wit 
tulips  in  an  infinite  and  enchinting  variety  o 
hues." — Evening  A'cws. 

Even  our    best  periods  seem   to  los 
something  when  repeated  so  quickly, 


MAY  10,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


349 


Mistress.  "\VKLL,  COOPEK,  WHAT  is  THE  WEATHER  10  BB  LIKE?" 
Gardener.  "WELL,  MUM,  I  DUNSO  ;    BUT  THE  TAPER  DO  SAY  'FORECAST.' 


ME.  PUNCH'S   LITEEARY   ADVEETISEMENTS. 
THE  TUG-OF-WAB  TEST. 

[The  Daily  Mail  has  received  testimonials  from  various  head-masters 
as  to  the  increased  weight  of  their  boys  after  the  adoption  of  Standard 
Bread.] 

OH,  the  sports  were  done  and  the  races  run,  but  the  Tug- 

of-war  was  left, 
And  the  school  was  full  of  the  coming  pull,  and  longed  to 

display  its  heft ; 
For  every  house  had  applied  its  nous  to  training  a  lusty 

eight, 
And  each  was  mad  on  somebody's  fad  for  putting  on  extra 

weight. 

For  Blore's  had  smiles  for  EUSTACE  MILES,  and  lived  on  the 

sweet,  sweet  pea, 
And  Cook's  were  caught  by  the  line  of  thought  of  a  very 

renowned  M.D., 
So  they  stayed  indoors  with  unwashed  pores  for  most  of 

the  Easter  Term, 
But  Foster's  were  fed  on  Standard  Bread  and  the  whole  of 

the  healthy  germ. 

But  Cook's  caught  cold  when  they  left  the  fold,  and  shrank 

in  the  light  of  day, 
And    Blore's   physique   was   wretchedly   weak,   and   they 

suddenly  passed  awny, 


But  Foster's  remained  and  Fort's,  who  trained  on  original 

English  fare, 
Whose  food  in  chief  was  the  good  roast  beef  and  plenty  of 

open  air. 

Now  Fort's  were  big  with  ox  and  pig,  and  one  of  them 

broke  the  scale, 
But  Foster's  had  grown  a  good  ten  stone  and  swore  by  The 

Daily  Mail ; 
So  they  put  their  trust  in  the  Standard  crust  and  the  power 

of  the  halfpenny  Press, 
And  they  shifted  Fort's  on  the  seat  of  their  shorts,  and  won 

a  superb  success. 

(Get  it  at  any  decent  Baker's.) 

From  HAKIH ID'S  Catalogue :  "The  Automatic  Stamp  Machine  is 
invaluable  for  country  houses.  Guests  can  obtain  their  own  stamps, 
without  application  to  host  or  hostess,  by  inserting  penny  in  slot. 
Faulty  coins  returned." 

This  is  a   blow.     Hitherto  we  have  always  put  our  bad 
money  by  for  the  week-ends. 

"Hugh  Gibson  failed  on  the  one  in  three  portion  owing  to  belt 
slip,  although  ho  had  ruu  in  his  leather  belt  on  a  tide  car  for  120 
miles." — MUor  Cycling. 

We  don't  care  where  HUGH  runs,  but  he  must  wear  some- 
thing more  than  a  leather  belt  in  future. 

There  has  recently  been  discovered  a  codicil  to  SHAK- 
SPEABE'S  will,  in  which  he  leaves  his  "  second  best  bed  " 
in  the  Wye  to  Sir  EDWARD  DUHNING-LAWRENCB. 


350 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  10,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  PLAYING  WITH  FIKI.." 
WHEN  an  actor  marries  an  actress 
(always  a  daring  experiment)  and,  six 
months  later,  disguises  himself  in  a 
\v;g  and  moustache,  a  Eussian  uniform 
and  an  Italian  accent,  and  succeed-; 
in  imposing  upon  her,  you  will  be  right 
in  suspecting  an  improbability.  1'n- 
likely  in  the  case  of  an  ordinary  wife, 
it  is  more  than  unlikely  with  one  who 
lias  been  accustomed  to  recognise  her 
man  under  all  sorts  of  histrionic  make- 
ups. So  certain  critics,  I  understand, 
are  complaining  that  all  this  is  in- 
credible. I  confess  it  delights  me  that 
they  can  preserve  so  fresh  and  ingen- 
uous an  attitude  in  the  course  of  labours 
that  would  leave  most  men  haid  and 
cynical.  Improbability  in  a  theatre ! 
Heavens,  what  do  we  go  there  for, 
except  to  see  improbabilities  ?  I  love 
them  !  I  loved  the  big  one  and  I  loved 
all  the  others  that  only  seemed  small 
by  comparison.  I  loved  that  loud  and 
passionate  dialogue  in  the  vestibule  of 
the  Eoyal  Box  at  Covent  Garden,  partly 
conducted  in  full  sight  and  hearing  of 
the  house,  and  drowning  all  the  first 
Actof  Butterfly  except  tbeorchestra  and 
one  female  soloist.  I  lovccl,  too,  the 
spectacle  of  the  foreign  prince  appear- 
ing in  full  military  uniform  at  afternoon 
tea  in  a  London  flat.  Credo,  qtiia  credere 
volo  is  my  motto  for  the  theatre,  as  it 
was  that  of  the  husband  in  the  last  Act 
when  he  was  as  well  aware  as  I  was 
that  his  wife  was  lying  all  she  know. 

But, even  if  your  logicalmindresented 
this  kind  of  thing,  yet  her  final  lie, 
and  the  swift  ease  of  it,  ought  to  have 
made  amends.  Her  previous  prevari- 
cations had  been  creditable,  yet  they 
might  have  been  achieved,  in  a  tight 
corner,  by  a  mere  man  ;  but  this  last, 
where  she  tells  him  that  she  had 
seen  through  his  disguise  all  the 
time,  was  a  triumph  of  pure  womanly 
inspiration.  And  here  the  author 
cleverly  disarms  the  critics  by  antici- 
pating their  view  of  the  improbability 
of  things.  For,  in  her  quality  of 
actress,  she  appeals  to  her  husband,  as 
an  actor,  with  the  argument  that  he 
must  know  too  much  of  the  stage  to 
imagine  that  such  a  disguise  would  not 
be  easily  penetrable.  Thus  the  very 
incre  l.bility  of  what  has  gone  before  is 
employed  to  make  her  lie  the  more 
credible.  Incidentally,  too,  she  makes 
herself  out  to  be  a  better  histrion  than 
he,  for  has  sha  not  by  her  brilliant 
acting  deceived  him  all  the  while  into 
the  belief  that  she  was  deceived  by  his 
disguise  ?  So  from  an  almost  hopeless 
position  sheemerges  doubly  triumphant. 
All  through  the  last  Act  Miss  ALF.X- 
ANDBA  CARLISLE  was  extraordinarily . 


good.  At  first  she  had  been  vaguely 
reminiscent  of  Miss  LENA  ASHWELL  ; 
but  in  the  end  she  was  altogether  her- 
self, full  of  resource  and  persuasiveness. 

Mr.  LORAINE  was  admirable  in  his 
assumption  of  the  taint  of  the  stage. 
His  imitation  of  Sir  CHARLES  WYND- 
HAM  was  no  doubt  partly  unconscious ; 
but,  not  only  in  his  adopted  rdle  of 
Russian  Princo,  where  professional 
experience  was  necessarily  indicated ,  but 
also  in  the  domestic  circle,  he  con- 
sciously suggested  the  atmosphere  of 
the  theatre.  His  subtleties,  however, 
were  perhaps  a  little  .spoiled  by  the 
author,  who  now  and  then  played  the 
part  of  showman,  being  over-anxious 
lest  we  should  miss  the  idea. 

To  Mr.  BEVERIDGE,  as  genial  friend  of 
the  family,  was  assigned  the  inadequate 


The  Triumph  of  Falsehood,  or  Truth  takes  it 

kneeling  down. 

Henry  Longlon  ...  Mr.  ROBERT  LORAINE. 
Gertrude  Lcmgton  Miss  ALEXANDRA  CAKLISLE. 

task  of  killing  time,  and  Mrs.  CALVERT'S 
delightful  gifts  were  badly  wasted  on 
the  third-rate  character  of  a  duenna. 

I  venture  to  think  that  the  wife's 
vague  yearnings  for  some  glimpse  of 
romance — yearnings  that  find  expres- 
sion in  the  habitual  strumming  of 
Chopin  in  a  half-light  (a  foible  which 
naturally  irritates  her  husband) — are 
inconsistent  with  the  record  of  the 
many  hearts  she  had  captured  in  her 
prenuptial  career. 

But  my  real  grievance  is  that  we 
had  to  pass  one  long  interval  with  the 
curtain  up  instead  of  down.  I  think 
it  rash  for  an  author  to  fix  deliberately 
by  schedule  a  definite  period  before 
the  next  feature  of  interest  is  due  to 
occur.  Thus  for  a  solid  half-hour, 
while  the  hero,  off  the  stage,  was  busy 


Ighting  the  fire  that  he  was  advertised 
to  "  play  with,"  wo  waited  with  our 
eyes  on  the  dilatory  clock,  knowing  that 
we  had  to  wait,  and  with  nothing  to 
occupy  us  except  a  dull  speculation  as 
to  whether  the  trivialities  of  tb.3  dia- 
logue and  action  had  been  properly 
timed  to  last  out.  Otherwise  1  enjoyed 
myself  very  well  indeed — much  better 
than  I  did  at  the  Royal  Academy. 
There  (apart  from  the  pictures  them- 
selves) the  troublo  is  the  want  of  space  j 
between  them.  Here,  at  the  Comedy, 
there  was  too  much  wall-paper.  But 
the  pictures,  when  they  did  occur,  were 
always  worth  while.  O.  S. 

"  THE  MASTER  OF  MRS.  CHILVEBS." 
Mr.  Geoffrey  Chilvers,  M.P.,  on  his 
appointment  to  the  post  of  Under  Home 
Secretary,  decided  to  seek  re-election. 
Mr.  JEROME  K.  JEROME  thought  that 
the  law  required  him  to  do  this,  but,  of 
course,  Mr.  Chilrers  knew  that  he  was 
accepting  a  post  of  profit  under  the 
Home  Office  and  not  under  the 
Crown,  and  that  therefore  he  did  not 
need  to  go  before  his  constituents  again. 
However,  having  nothing  better  to  do, 
and  wishing  to  celebrate  his  appoint- 
ment in  some  way,  ho  arranged  to 
indulge  in  the  luxury  of  a  by-election. 
Meanwhile  his  wife  had  promised 
the  Women's  Parliamentary  Fran- 
chise League  to  contest  the  next 
by-election,  a  recent  decision  of  the 
House  of  Lords  having  made  it  legal 
for  a  woman  to  be  nominated,  even 
though  she  would  not  be  allowed  to 
take  her  scat.  When  she  finds  she  is 
up  against  her  husband  slio  is  naturally 
surprised — so  is  lie ;  but  it ;  is  suggested  to 
them  that  they  are  in  a  position  to  give 
a  great  example  to  the  world  of  the 
way  to  fight  an  election — i.e.,  in  love 
and  sympathy. 

However,  it  turns  oat  that  the  elec- 
tion is  fought  just  in  the  ordinary  way 
— i.e.,  in  anger  and  bitterness.  Mrs. 
Chilvers  gets  in  by  fourteen  votes. 
Husband  and  wife  are  by  this  time 
completely  estranged;  in  fact  Geoffrey, 
who  started  out  by  being  President  of 
the  Men's  League  for  Extending  the 
Franchise  to  Women  (M.L.E.F.W.),  is 
now,  to  judge  from  some  of  his  remarks, 
a  keen  anti-Suffragist.  . .  And  then  Mrs. 
Chilvers  tells  her  husband  that  she  is 
going  to  have  a  child,  an  announce- 
ment which,  if  it  doesn't  settle  the  Suff- 
rage question  completely,  at  any  rate 
settles  it  in  the  Chilvers  household. 

Mr.  JEROME  has  done  a  notable 
thing.  He  has  written  a  play  upon 
a  very  debatable  subject  without  re- 
vealing where  his  own  sympathies 
lie.  Probably  everybody  who  goes  to 
the  Royalty  will  come  away  convinced 
that  the  author  is  really  on  his  side. 


MAY  10,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIARIVAKI. 


351 


v 


Irate  Owner  of  last  liont  in  Farmers'  Roe:.  "GLon?  TO  GOODNESS,  JOHXNY,  PHWAT  WAS  ur  DETAINED  VEt" 


And  if  you  have  no  particular  side,  or 
aro  bored  with  the  whole  question,  you 
will,  at  any  rate,  enjoy  to  the  full 
the  humours  of  the  election  scenes 
as  interpreted  by  those  delightful 
artists,  EDMUKD  GWENN,  MICHAEL 
SHEUBROOKB,  SIDNEY  FABEBROTHEB 
and  ESME  BEBINOEB. 

The  parts  of  the  rival  candidates 
did  not  present  any  difficulties  to  Mr. 
DENNIS  EADIE  and  Miss  LENA  ASHWELL 
— I  could  have  wished  that  they  had  had 
more  chances  of  showing  their  great 
powers.  Miss  ETHEL  DANE  gave  a  very 
pretty  little  sketch  of  the  Organizing 
Secretary  of  the  W.P.F.L.  But  I  might 
say  that  the  whole  of  the  cast  was  as 
good  as  it  could  possibly  be.  Mr. 
JEROME'S  play,  indeed,  is  well  worth 
seeing — not  only  for  the  thought  and 
humour  he  has  put  into  it,  but  also 
for  the  remarkable  way  in  which  it  is 
interpreted.  M. 

The  Velvet  Hand  in  the  Iron  Glove. 

"The  authenticity  of  the  sword  as  a  genuine 
relic  is  at  least  in  doubt,  and  the  only  thing 
that  seems  really  to  suggest  that  it  once 
belonged  to  Jeanne  is  that  the  scabbard  is  made 
•mall  enough  for  a  woman's  hand." 

Westminster  Qazette. 
Scabbards  are  hardly  ever  worn  now. 


OUE   NEW   ANTHOLOGISTS. 

AN  interview  with  Mrs.  ELLA 
WHEELER  WILCOX,  which  recently  ap- 
peared in  an  evening  paper,  contains 
the  following  memorable  passage : — 

"Mr.  Sunnier  lias  e.lited  'Great  Thought?,' 
a  birthday  book  with  quotations  from  my 
poems.  He  read  the  dictionary  through  three 
tiir.es  to  find  out  all  the  most  uplifting  and 
inspiring  words,  and  these  words  head  each 
page  in  alphabetical  order,  with  a  vc  rse  referring 
to  it  from  one  of  my  rooms.  The  idea  came  to 
him  while  sitting  in  Trafalgar  squat e,  and  in 
the  book,  w  liicli  will  bo  j  ub!ished  in  two 
months,  there  is  a  photograph  of  the  square  as 
the  fro:itU|  iece." 

Mr.  SUMNEB'S  idea  is  admirable,  but 
it  is  not  altogether  original,  as  the 
following  exclusive  information,  sup- 
plied by  our  literary  expert,  will 
sufficiently  prove. 

Mr.  Alexander  Biffin  is  engaged  on 
a  volume  of  Ex-Austin  Extracts — a 
birthday  book  with  quotations  from 
the  poems  of  the  Laureate.  By  way 
of  preparation  he  read  through  the 
Encyclopedia  Britannica  ten  times  to 
familiarize  himself  with  the  whole 
range  of  human  knowledge,  and  the 
most  stirring  subjects  head  each  page  in 
alphabetical  order  with  an  appropriate 
couplet  from  one  of  the  Laureate's 


poems.  The  idea  came  to  Mr.  Biffin 
while  he  was  travelling  in  the  Tube, 
and  in  the  book  a  photograph  of  the 
interior  of  a  Tube  carriage  appears  as 
the  frontispiece. 

Mr.  Baymond  Begbie  is  at  work 
on  a  volume  with  the  engaging  title  of 
Great  Strokes,  being  an  anthology 
of  wise,  witty  and  tender  sayings 
from  the  works  of  Mr.  Bam  Stroker. 
As  a  preliminary  to  his  labour  of 
selection  Mr.  Eaymond  Begbie  read 
through  the  volume  of  the  New  Ox- 
ford Dictionary  containing  the  letter 
"  B,"  thirteen  times,  in  order  to  find 
out  all  the  most  soul-satisfying  epi- 
thets. These  epithets — e.g.,  "bulbous," 
"  bountiful,"  "  burbling  " — head  each 
page  in  order  of  intensity,  with  an 
appropriate  extract  for  each  day  of  the 
week.  The  idea  came  to  Mr.  Eaymond 
Begbie  while  he  was  lunching  with  Sir 
OLIVES  LODGE,  and  a  photograph  of 
the  cerebellum  of  the  great  scientist 
decorates  the  volume  as  a  frontispiece. 


"  It  is  announced  in  Tlie  Oaz  tie  that  the 
King  has  appointed  the  Kev.  H.  M.  Bui  OK  to 
be  headmaster  of  Winchester  College." 

The  Standard. 

Too  late. 


352 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  10,  1911. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  SUPPLEMENT. 

IV. — RAILWAYS. 

THE  press  of  persons  expected  in  the 
Metropolis  for  the  Coronation  of  KING 
GEORGE  V.  and  the  circumstance  tha 
many  of  them  will  be  brought  thitlie 
in  trains  has  made  it  a  suitable  timi 
for  some  illuminative  remarks  on  tin 
railway  systems  of  this  country,  more 
especially  as  His  MAJESTY  is  himsel 
an  occasional  passenger. 

CONDENSED  HISTOHY  OF  STEAM. 

Steam,  which  is  the  vapour  given  of 
by  water  at  certain  temperatures,  was 
first  noticed  at  the  Hot  Springs  in 
Colorado  by  the  aboriginal  Indians 
Subsequently  Sir  WALTER  RALEIGH 
while  engaged  in  cooking  potatoes  for 
the  first  time  upon  a  peak  in  Darien 
noticed  that  water  begins  to  boil  in  an 
open  vessel  at  212°F.  The  next  stage 
was  reached  by  Sir  ISAAC  WATTS,  whose 
kettle  boiled  over  while  he  was  writing 
"  How  doth  the  little  busy  bee."  From 
this  stage  to  the  triple-expansion  spon- 
taneous combustion  engine  was  simple 
once  BOYLE'S  Law  had  been  fully 
grasped.  The  crank  will  always  be 
associated  with  the  name  of  SHAW 
The  throttle  valve  was  invented  by 
Dr.  GAROTTE. 

MODERN 

The  first  ordinary  passenger  loco- 
motive was  constructed  by  GEORGE 
STEPHENSON,  an  engineer  famous  foi 
his  remark  that  if  a  cow  should  meet  it 
on  the  line  it  would  be  "  awkward  for 
the  coo."  Since  that  day— 1829 — there 
have  been  many  improvements  in  rail- 
way travelling,  and  you  may  now  sit 
comfortably  in  your  compartment  and 
learn  how  far  you  are  from  London  by 
the  information  on  the  boards  erected 
by  pill-makers  in  the  meadows  beside 
the  line. 

PERSONNEL. 

Promotion  is  the  essence  of  a  rail- 
wayman's life.  Carriage-cleaners  be- 
come porters,  porters  become  ticket- 
collectors,  ticket  -  collectors  become 
guards,  guards  become  inspectors,  in- 
spectors become  station  -  masters, 
station-masters  become  superinten- 
dents, superintendents  become  general 
managers,  general  managers  become 
very  rich  and  ride  free  on  all  other 
lines.  Porters  become  rude,  if  you  don't 
tip  them.  Whether  porters  are  paid 
by  the  railway  company  as  well  as  by 
the  passengers  is  a  point  that  has  never 
been  rightly  decided.  The  only  person 
with  courage  systematically  to  oppose 
tipping  is  Sir  JOSEPH  LYONS.  All 
SMITH'S  bookstall  boys  carry  in  (heir 
baskets  the  portfolio  of  a  First  Lord  of 
the  Admiralty. 


HUMOUR. 

As    a     field     for     an     enterprisin 
humorist    there  are  few   places  mor 
profitable   than    a    railway    compart 
ment — particularly  if  he  is  rich  and 
rebel.      When   tired    of  the    ordinar 
amenities   of   travel,    such   as   lookin, 
out    of   the   windows,   whistling,    an 
staring   his    fellow-passengers    out   o 
countenance,    he    may    begin     to    b 
original.     Taking  out  his  pocket-knif 
he   may   erase   the  "  T  "  of  "  Train 
in   the  sentence  "  Wait  till  the  trait 
stops."      He    may    then    place    upor 
the    rack    above    the    opposite    sea 
bulky     articles     for     which     it     wa 
not  constructed  and  watch  the  effect 
He  may  throw  soda-water  and  othe 
bottles  out  of  the  window.     Finally  hi 
may     pull     the     communication-core 
without  sufficient  reason,  and  when  th 
train  stops  and  the  guard  arrives  bane 
him  a  five-pound  note  in  payment — 
that  being  the  prixfixe.      Many  of  our 
funniest  men  have  graduated  in  rail 
way  compartments. 

A  FEW  STRAY  FACTS. 

It  is  not  permitted  to  a  passenger 
with  a  third-class  ticket  to  travel  in  s 
first-class  compartment,  and  the  officials 
of  the  line  display  the  liveliest  emotion 
on  discovering  any  one  doing  this,  anc 
exact  from  him  the  difference  in  fares 
But  it  is  open  to  any  one  to  travel  in  a 
third-class  compartment  with  a  first- 
class  ticket  and  no  restitution  is  made 
to  him. 

One  way  to  travel  free  is  under  the 
seat  or  clinging  to  a  buffer  or  in  a  coal 
or  cattle  truck.  A  better  and  more 
comfortable  way  is  to  wear  a  good  hat 
and  say  "  Season "  in  an  authori- 
tative and  opulent  voice. 

A  return  ticket  is  one  which  is  sold 
for  both  journeys  at  a  slightly  reduced 
rate,  in  the  hope  that  the  purchaser 
will  lose  the  other  half.  It  is  illegal 
to  give  or  sell  the  return  half  to  any 
one  else,  but  few  forms  of  illegality  are 
more  popular  and  less  unreasonable. 

Some    English    trains    are    heated, 
^specially    those    designed  for   stock- 
brokers  and  co-respondents    on   their 
vay  to  Brighton.    Or  else  footwarmers 
ire   placed    in    the   compartments   by 
sorters  in  return  for  a  money  payment. 
These  footwarmers  are  supplied  to  the 
ailway  companies  free  by  the  amalgam- 
ated   boot-makers    of    England,    who 
eap  a  splendid  profit  on  their  outlay 
hrough    the    damage    done    to    pas- 
engers'  soles. 

RAILWAY  ELOCUTION. 

With  the  laudable  view  of  carrying 
lliterate  passengers  past  their  destin^ 
tion,  porters  and  other  officials  are 


carefully  instructed  in  a  system  of 
voice-production  which  renders  the 
names  of  stations  entirely  unintel- 
ligible. 

DISTINGUISHED  TRAVELLERS. 

Among  eminent  persons  who  fre- 
quently make  use  of  railway  trains  are 
LORD  ESHEU,  JAMSETJI,  and  Mr. 
WILLIAM  WILLETT.  Miss  LILY  ELSIE 
has  occasionally  been  seen  alighting 
from  a  first-class  compartment. 
Madame  CLARA  BUTT  is  very  loath  to 
leave  the  platform  and  invariably 
warbles  a  few  bars  before  entering  her 
compartment  or  departing  from  the 
station.  On  these  occasions  the 
engine-whistles  are  carefully  tuned 
in  the  favourite  key  of  the  great 
vocalist. 

THE  FUTURE. 

Those  who  watch  the  signs  of  the 
times  realize  that,  with  the  competition 
of  the  motor  so  active,  railway  com- 
panies will  sooner  or  later  have  to  adapt 
themselves  to  new  conditions.  But 
they  know  also,  from  their  knowledge  of 
railway  companies,  that  it  will  be  later 
rather  than  sooner.  There  is  no  doubt 
that  trains  which  may  be  flagged  so  as 
to  stop  at  cross-roads  as  well  as  at 
recognized  halts  and  stations  will  have 
to  be  established,  even  if  it  means  a 
new  set  of  rails  for  them  to  run  on, 
so  as  not  to  interfere  with  express 
traffic.  Our  great  great-grandchildren 
will  perhaps  see  it  done. 


Billiard  Note. 

A  correspondent  writes,  d  propos  of 
our  Billiard  Supplement :  "  It  may  be 
of  interest  to  your  readers  to  know  that 
>y  the  munificence  of  a  patron  of  the 
*ame  who  wishes  to  remain  anonymous 
a  home  of  rest  for  ex-champions  is  now 
>eing  built  at  Grayshott." 

"  In  printing  yesterday  the  name  of  one  of 
he  musical  comedies,  which  the  liaiidmann 
Company  is  presenting  next  week,  as  the 
Grill  In  The  Train'  what  rur  compositors 
eally  meant  to  set  was,  of  course,  '  The  Girl  In 
he  Drain.'  " — South  China  Morning  Post. 

We  are  glad  to  read  this  correction 
What  sounded  merely  tough  before 
jeeornes  now  absolutely  thrilling. 

TheEasternDaily  Press  on  "Money  ": 

"The  celebrated  club  scene  will  be  a  very 
rccial  attraction,  and  the  very  exceptional 
ght  of  some  fifty  representatives  of  the 
ieatrical  profession,  one  of  them  a  star, 
rouped  in  the  caib  as  "supers,"  will  be 
flbi-ded." 

'he  grouping  of  forty-nine  represen- 
atives  of  the  theatrical  profession 
ound  one  star  has  always  been  a  very 
opular  effect  with  our  actor-managers. 


MAY  10.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


353 


POULTRY    FARMING    IN    ARCADIA. 

Wift  to  Hu,i>1>and.  "I  SAY,  OLD  THING,  SING  OUT  WHEN  you  'BE  BEADY  FOB  ME  TO  PULL." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr,  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Ckrks.) 
\YE  are  still,  perhaps,  too  near  to  the  actual  epoch  of 
which  it  treats,  for  such  a  book  as  George  Bernard  Shaic, 
11  if!  Life  and  Works  (HURST  AND  BLACKETT)  to  have  the 
right  perspective.  To  the  elders  amongst  us,  especially, 
many  of  whom  can  actually  remember  BERNARD  SHAW  in 
the  flesh,  the  task  of  Mr.  ARCHIBALD  HENDERSON  the 
compibr  of  this  monumental  tribute,  must  appear  little 
less  than  heroic.  However,  he  is  an  American,  which  no 
doubt  upheld  him.  The  large  and  exceedingly  handsome 
volume  which  he  has  produced  (at  twenty-one  shillings 
net)  deals  with  its  distinguished  subject  in  every  variety 
of  aspect,  while  managing  to  remain  itself  both  interesting 
and  entertaining.  Nothing,  indeed,  hut  copious  quotation, 
which  space  forbids,  could  do  justice  to  its  many-sidedness  ; 
the  value  of  the  whole  being  increased  by  an  unusually 
l;irgo  number  of  facsimiles  and  illustrations,  amongst 
which  I  greeted  with  delight  "  our  Mr.  E.  T.  REED'S  " 
inimitable  drawing  of  the  Super-Shakspeare.  Altogether, 
if  the  last  word  on  a  great  man  had  to  be  said,  it  could  not 
have  been  done  better ;  though  I  hardly  understand  why 
an  Author's  Introduction  and  a  Preface  should  have  been 
required  (perhaps  it  was  force  of  association  that  com- 
pelled the  latter).  On  the  other  hand,  the  chapters  headed 
"Closing  Days,"  and  "Summary,"  usually  to  be  found  in 
books  of  this  nature,  seem  unaccountably  omitted.  This 
apart,  however,  Mr.  HENDERSON'S  volume  remains  a  most 
complete,  not  to  say  exhaustive,  survey,  which  one  cannot 
dismiss  without  reflecting  how  greatly  BERNARD  SHAW 
himself  would  have  enjoyed  reading  it. 

It  was  the  opinion  of  the  town  of  Mallingbridge  that 
"  its   best   business   man    was   a  woman,"  and  that  is  a 


fair  estimate  of  the  commercial  side  of  Mrs.  Thompson 
(HUTCHINSON).  The  largo  emporia  of  the  Provinces  are 
of  two  kinds.  The  one  is  sedate  and  old-fashioned,  and 
the  mere  fact  of  being  in  its  windows  gives  to  saleable 
goods  an  air  of  soundness  and  durability.  S-ich  was 
Thompson's.  The  other  relies  upon  its  magnificent  exterior 
to  tempt  you  to  buy  articles  which  you  know  from  t'le  first 
to  be  gimcrack.  Such  was  Thompson's  rival  over  the  way. 
As  long  as  Mrs.  Thoimtson  kept  to  business,  success  re- 
mained on  her  side  of  the  street ;  but  it  crossed  ovar  when, 
in  spite  of  her  more  than  middle  age,  she  took  to  marriage 
with  a  plausible  blackguard.  In  short,  the  only  fault  of  the 
commercial  side  of  her  was  that  it  was  not  the  only  sidj, 
for  out  of  that  alone  Mr.  \V.  B.  MAXWELL  creates  a  story 
entertaining  and  very  true  to  life,  and  the  nicely  contrived 
surprise,  on  which  it  ends,  pleased  me  none  the  less  because 
I  ought  to  have  anticipated  it  all  along.  But  progress 
through  the  matrimonial  part  was  somewhat  in  the  nature 
of  a  wallow ;  for,  though  prudery  is  to-day  the  one  un- 
forgivable sin,  I  yet  think  there  are  some  intimate  details 
of  sex  and  physique  better  not  mentioned  in  polite  society 
and  to  bo  left  without  regret  to  the  medical  text-books. 

If  the  country  goes  to  the  dogs.  Sir,  in  the  hands  of 
Radical  extremists,  it  will  not,  I  gather,  be  Mr.  HORACE 
ANNESLEY  VACHELL'S  fault.  People  who  read  and  admired 
The  Hill  will  no  doubt  remember  the  straggle  between 
good  and  evil  friends  for  the  soul  of  Casar  Desmond.  In 
John  Verney  (MURRAY)  they  will  learn  how  "  Demon " 
Scaife  went  on  from  strength  to  strength  and  multiplied 
his  wickedness  exceedingly,  until  he  became  both  a  mil- 
lionaire and  at  the  same  time  a  Socialist  leader.  Not 
content  with  wresting  a  hole  at  golf  from  a  Cabinet 
Minister  by  omitting  to  count  a.  niblick  shot,  he  turned  the 
tide  of  an  election  against  Yerney  (in  whose  intdtests  he 


354 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAluVAllI. 


[MAY  10,  1911. 


was  supposed  to  be  working)  by  means  of  a  shameless  j  enjoyment  of  some  vigorous  and  unconventional  scenes, 
Free  Trade  leaflet,  and  finally  secured  the  affections  of  j  which  form  the  best  part  of  the  tale.  Anyhow,  what 
John's  fiancee  Sheila  De.wncnd.  There  is  much  that  is ;  ensued  wa?  a  sad  blow  to  some  nice  but  nebulous  persons 
oood  and  much  that  is  clever  in  Mr.  VACHELL'S  book  (in  who  had  been  striving  to  bring  about  a  happy  ending  to 

.i        .  _  _i_    i.     ' l.    „*.!„„  4-\.      t  I  . ,,     .,  ff.i  in  *P<i»*ertnii  11  \r       T     \v*i  c     rof.liar     nljMkeuu?  •       f  Virm  rrli      T 


which  I  am  happy  to  say  that  the  anpols  triumph  at  last) ;  the  affair.  Personally,  I  was  rather  pleased ;  though  I 
but  we  live  in  a  democratic  age,  and  I  find  his  tacit  as- !  cannot  pretend  that  the  fate  of  Eosanne  interested  me 
sumption  of  the  importance  of  gentle  birth  at  times  a  little  to  'any  overwhelming  degree,  one  way  or  the  other.  Mr. 
ridiculous.  Lucifer,  son  of  the  morning,  would,  I  think,  j  GISSING  tells  it  all  very  well,  however,  in  an  austere  style 
on  account  of  his  aristocratic  descent  have  received  far  [  that  I  have  admired  before.  I  am  sorry  he  does  not  like 
more  tolerant  trea'ment  from  this  writer  than  "Demon"  ,  the  stage.  But  it  was  surely  a  little  gratuitous  to  bring  in 
Scaife  who  actually  boaste  1  that  his  grandfather  had  been  i  "  a  famous  actor  "  at  the  opening  simply  in  order  that  he 
a  navvy.  Very  adroit  use,  however,  has  been  made  of  the  might  behave  like  a  cad,  and  disappear,  after  one  chapter, 
political  situation  for  the  purposes  of  romance,  and  only  J  amid  the  scorn  of  the  elect, 
the  accident  of  being  obliged,  on  his  father's  death,  to ' 


en'er 


the  Hou?e  of  Lords  prevented  the  Demon  from 
forming  a  trio  witli  two  prominent  statesmen  whose  iden- 
tity has  not  been  very  laboriously  concealed. 

Wilson's  (CHAPMAN  AND  HALL)  is  a  public-school  sloiy 


Mr.  COSMO  HAMILTON  has  given  such  an  air  of  reality  to 
the  polite  scoundrels,  male  and  female,  in  his  book,  The 
Princess  of  New  York  (HuTCHiNSON),  that  I  feel  almost 
bound  in  spite  of  myself  to  believe  that  there  really  are 
people  in  London  cultured,  titled,  and  pedigreed,  for 


by  DESMOND  COKE,  which  will  probably  appeal  most  to  whom  the  police  are  only  waiting  until  they  take  just 
an  older  generation  of  school-boys.  Mr.  COKE  describes  j  one  more  false  step.  The  nice  people  in  this  story  of  a 
emotions  and  temperaments  with  more  conviction  than  ha  plot  to  acquire  by  marriage  a  Yankee  heiress's  millions  I 


1'iiKASi.S    THAT    HAVE    GONE    WRONG. 
"As  GRAVE  AS  A  JUDGE." 


i)  jlieve  in  with  no  reluc- 
tance at  all.  They  are, 
I  think,  by  far  the 
nicest  that  Mr.  HAMIL- 
TON has  ever  put  into  a 
book,  and,  as  I  think 
the  book  he  has  put 
them  into  is  also  his 
best,  they  are  in  their 
right  place,  and  every- 
thing is  as  it  should  be. 


describes  games.  His  — 
hearb  is  not  really  in 
the  "nasty  ball  to  land 
near  up  and  witli  an 
awkward  twist "  which 
Eyre  bowled  "  with 
especial  care  and  skill." 
He  is  much  more  inter- 
ested in  moral  strug- 
gles ;  he  would  spend 
two  pages  on  the  analy- 
sis of  a  character  sooner 
than  one  on  the  analy- 
sis of  a  bowler.  The 
character  which  at- 
tracts him  in  this  book 
is  that  of  Dick  Hunter, 
who  left  the  School 
House  in  order  to  lick 
"  Wilson's  "  into  shape, 
Wilson's  being  the 
slackest  house  in  the- 

school.  Unfortunately,  this  theme  is  old,  as  readers  of  Hugh 
Bendal  will  remember ;  but,  whereas  in  that  book  Hugh  had 
the  difficult  job  of  ruling  a  rebellious  house  by  the  force  of 
authority  alone,  in  this  book  Dick  had  the  advantage  of  a 
personal  strength  which  had  nothing  to  fear  from  anybody. 
In  this  way  Mr.  COKE  makes  things  easier  for  Hunter,  but :  troops  achieved  their  final  success  over  the  Jacobite 
even  so  he  gives  us  an  interesting  picture  of  his  hero  Highlanders."  So  it 's  all  up  with  the  bonnets  of  Bonnie 
at  work,  and  an  excellent  study  of  the  house-master's  Dundee! 


in 

serve 


the  Indian  Section  "  the  Black 

to  recall  one  of  the  most  sombre  incidents 


"A  strange  and  beau- 
tiful new  world  to  most 
people  is  being  con- 
structed in  secrecy  at 
Shepherd's  Bush  just 
now," says  the  London 
Correspondent  of  The 
Dundee  Courier.  And 
with  justification.  For 
Hole  of  Calcutta  will 
the 


m 


history  of  the  Indian  Mutiny."  And  as  if  this  were  not 
strange  and  new  enough  there  will  be  seen  in  the  Scottish 
Section  "  The  Pass  of  Killiecrankie,  where  the  Hanoverian 


detachment. 


What  prevented  me  from  enjoying  Eosanne  (F.  V.  WHITE) 
so  much  as  I  might  otherwise  have  done,  was  the  behaviour 
of  the  central  character,  who  gives  her  name  to  Mr.  ALGER- 
NON GISSING'S  latest  novel.  This  was  such  that  in  spite,  or 
perhaps  because  of,  the  real  skill  with  which  she  was 
presented,  I  could  only  regard  her  with  impatient  irritation. 
In  the  first  chapter,  Henley  St.  Cloe,  her  husband,  announces 
dramatically  at  dinner  that  he  is  a  ruined  man,  and  inci- 
dentally that  he  is  more  than  fed  up  with  Eosanne. 
Accordingly  he  goes  to  America,  which  I  was  sorry  for, 
as,  before  we  had  gone  much  fir/Sier,  \  ohould  have  liked 
to  grasp  his  band  in  cordial  agreement.  Rosanne,  left  to 
herself,  becomes  a  kind  of  novice  in  an  Anglican  sisterhood  ; 
till  ten  years  later,  when  St.  Cloe  returns  with  a  fortune, 
and  she — but  to  tell  you  more  would  be  to  spoil  your 


"  The  Chief  Rabbi  lias  issued,  in  Hebrew  and  Bullish,  a  special  service 
for  a'.l  synagogues  iu  the  British  Entire  on  Coronation  Day.  It  in- 
cludes a  prayer  for  the  Ki  g  and  Royal  Family  and  the  JCational  Anthem 
in  both  languages." — Daily  Jfews. 

But  one  verse,  anyhow,  of  the  National  Anthem  is  past 
praying  for. 

From  the  first  sentence  of  a  letter  in  The  Nation : — 
"  Sir,  as  an  author  in  a  limited  way,  naturally  the  Copyright  Bill  is 
of  interest  and  importance." 

The  grammar  explains  the  "  limited." 

Commercial    Candour. 

From  an  advt.  of  a  Cinematograph  Show  in  the  Singapore 
Free  Press : 

"  We  charge  low  prices  ol  admission  1  ut  thev  are  recognised  by  oar 
regular  visitors  as  being  consistent  with  the  quality  of  pictures." 


MAY  17,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


355 


CHARIVARIA. 

MH.  HAIKU, i)  (!:>x,  in  a  criticism  of 
Mr.  LLOYD  GKOUGE'S  Insurance  Bill, 
points  out  that  a  man  may  be  com- 
pelled to  pay  4d.  a  week  all  his  life, 
and  never  be  ill,  and  so  reap  no  benefit 
from  bis  payments.  Mr.  11  \UUI.D 
Cox  should  really  havo  more  faitb  in 
the  British  workman.  There  is  always 

Neurasthenia. 

*  * 

The  Zoological  Society  is  considering 

a  scheme  to  bring  a  tube  railway  into 

its  grounds.    At  night-time  it  might  be 

as  a  sleeping  apartment  for  the 

more  lengthy  of  the  snakes. 

If  the  Women's  Enfranchisement 
Bill  as  introduced  by  Sir  GEORGE 
KEMP  should  ever  become  law,  an 


to  ascertain  the  effect  of  shell  fire  upon  |  whim  has  been  held  to  be  illegal,  for 
her  when  submerge.]."  Frankly,  wo  do  (  otherwise,  for  many  persons,  it  would 
not  quite  like  the  idea  of  hitting  a  boat:  have  meant  an  end  of  comfort  in 
when  she  is  down.  travelling. 


So  many  windows  have  been  broken 
at  Harwich  l>y  concussion  from  the  firing 
of  big  guns  from  Beacon  Hill  Fort,  that  j 
the  town  crier  is  now  sent  roun-1  to  j 
warn    the    inhabitants   to   open    their 
windows  whan  firing  practice  is  about 
to   begin.      One    old    lady,    however, 
insists,  we  hear,  on  keeping  hers  shut 
so  as  to  keep  out  stray  shells. 

The  vindication  of  PETER  THE 
PAINTKR  by  Mr.  Justice  GRANTHAM  has 
caused  the  keenest  satisfaction  in  art 
circles.  Artists  are  peculiarly  sensitive, 
and  the  fact  that  one  of  their  number 
was  under  suspicion  affected  them 


The  gentleman  who  sent  a  letter,  the 
other  day,  to  the  Athlono  District 
Council,  Westmeath,  tendering  his 
surrender  of  a  cottage  "  because  the 
environs  aro  haunted  by  fairies,"  must 
li  •  Uio  first  cousin  of  the  individual 
who  objected  to  flowers  "  because  they 
smelt  so." 

V 

The  police  have  discovered  in 
Berlin  an  academy  whare  burglary  is 
taught  on  the  most  approved  lines  by 
experts,  examinations  being  held  at 
th.!  end  of  each  course,  and  certificates 
granted.  Hera  wo  are  still  content  to 
muddle  along  in  the  old  unscientific 


THE    NEW    UMBRELLA. 


FOR  AVOIDING   BORES. 


IOR  norxcraro  THE 


FUll    1'UllK   AI.IUUI.SM. 


appalling  recrudescence   of    husband-  [ 
beating    may    be    expected,    for    this 
measure   proposes    to    allow   married  [ 
•women   to   exercise    the  vote  in   the 
place  of  the  husband  with  the  hus- 
band's "  consent." 

*  * 

We  understand  that,  though  scaffold- 
ing and  seats  are  being  erected  in 
Parliament  Square  for  the  purposes  of 
the  Coronation  Procession,  provision  is 
being  made,  no  doubt  at  the  instance 
of  Our  Dumb  Friends'  League,  to 
enable  all  the  statues  there  to  have  a 
good  view  of  the  pageant. 

*  * 
•                  * 

In  spite  of  the  announcement  that 

the  Central  London  Railway  will 
shortly  be  supplied  with  air  as  pure 
as  that  on  the  mountain  top  and  the 
sea-shore,  one  hears  of  few  Londoners 
cancelling  their  holiday  arrangements. 

"Submarine  AI,  we  read,  "has 
recently  been  made  the  subject  of  some 
interesting  experiments  near  Spithead, 

VOL.  CXL. 


more  than  the  man  in  the  street 
supposed,  and  accounts  undoubtedly 
for  the  fact  that  the  present  exhibition 
of  the  Royal  Academy  is  not  better 
than  it  is. 

*  * 
* 

It  is  reported  that  the  occupants  of 

the  cottage  which  was  injured  by  the 
air-ship  now  contemplate  exhibiting  a 
notice  to  the  effect  that  all  envelopes 
must  be  inserted  in  the  letter-box  in 
the  usual  way. 

*  * 
_* 

Meanwhile,  in  view  of  the  amount  of 
money  and  trouble  which  have  been 
expended  in  the  building  of  our  British- 
made  naval  airship,  many  persons  hoU 
tbe  view  that  we  should  be  well  advised 
noi  to  take  her  out  of  her  shed.  This 
is  really  the  only  way  to  possess  a 
perfect  airship. 

*  * 

A  man  has  been  sentenced,  at  the 
Manchester  Assizes,  to  ten  years'  penal 
servitude  for  throwing  a  girl  from  a 
train.  We  are  glad  that  this  strange 


way,  and  it  already  seams  almost  in- 
credible that  British  burglary  was 
once  held  in  high  esteem  on  the 

Continent. 

*  * 
* 
According   to   a   statement    in    The 

Daily  News  "  the  British  record  for 
main-roadmaking  was  created  nearly 
200  years  ago  and  are  still  held  by  the 
Romans."  We  are  of  the  opinion  that 
the  proposed  drastic  reforms  in  the 
calendar  should  not  be  made  retro- 
spective. 

# 

It  was  reported  at  a  meeting  of  the 
Hambledon  (Surrey)  Guardians  that  a 
married  couple  who  had  four  boys  had 
called  two  of  them  George  and  two 
John.  The  Government,  which  is 
anxious  to  encourage  large  families,  is 
now  said  to  realise  the  difficulties  some 
persons  havo  in  thinking  of  fresh 
names  for  their  offspring,  and  there  is 
talk  of  issuing  a  list  of  the  one 
hundred  best  names.  The  selection 
will  be  in  the  hands  of  Lord  AVEBURY. 


356 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  17,  1911. 


A  TRAGEDY  OF  THE  TUBE. 

IN   RHYMED  PROSE. 

LISTEN,  fair  ladies,  while  I  tell 
The  sad  occurrence  which  befell 
A  junior  of  the  Scottish  Bar, 
The  bonnie  Sandy  Lochinvar. 

It  was  his  firm  and  stout  intent 
To  carry  off,  with  her  consent, 
That  lovely  creature,  Euhy  Warner, 
Whose  town  address  was  Hyde  Park 

Corner. 

Both  of  her  parents  lived  there  too, 
Sir  Dyke  and  Lady  W., 
And  had  their  own  peculiar  plan 
To  make  her  wed  another  man, 
Namely,  Sir  Obadiah  Doyle 
Whose  speciality  was  Oil. 
(He  was  to  come  and  woo  and  win  her 
That  very  evening  after  dinner). 
But  she,  who  loathed  this  fatted  swain, 
Proposed  to  travel  North  by  train — 
11.30  G.N.R.— 
With  her  beloved  Lochinvar, 
And  wed  in  Edinburgh  Toun 
On  the  ensuing  afternoon. 

In  Hertford  Street  a  plain  but  handy 
Lodging  had  bsen  secured  by  Sandy, 
A  most  convenient  situation, 
Near  to  his  love  and  Down  Street 

station. 
At  7.45,  exact 

(The  hour  was  fixed  by  solemn  pact), 
He  was  to  come  and  fetch  Miss  Warner 
From  her  address  at  Hyde  Park  Corner, 
And  bear  her  off,  for  time  was  pressing, 
Just  as  the  family  was  dressing. 

The  stroke  of  7.30  found 

Our  hero  on  the  underground. 

Alas !  he  should  have  sought  his  Eube 

By  taxicab  and  not  by  tube 

(I  fear  he  shirked  the  driver's  fee 

From  motives  of  economy, 

A  habit  which,  I  hear,  is  not 

Unusual  in  a  bonnie  Scot). 

I  would  he  had  not  gone  below  ! 

But  how  should  he,  a  stranger,  know, 

How  guess  what  curious  things  go  on 

In  subterranean  Babylon  ? 

Descending  after  some  delay, 
He  saw  the  first  train  pass  away. 
The  second  (this  was  bitter  gall) 
Rushed  by  and  never  stopped  at  all. 
The  third  (he  took  it)  went  and  tore 
Through  Hyde  Park  Corner  with  a  roar. 
At  Knightsbridge  he  alighted  from  it, 
Panted  across  and,  like  a  comet, 
An  Eastward  train  went  flashing 

through, 

Sucking  his  hat  off  up  the  flue. 
The  next  ignored  his  destination 
And  ran  right  on  to  Down  Street 

station, 

Where  he  debouched  and  crossed  apace 
To  what  had  been  his  starting-place. 


And  lo !  a  notico  caught  his  sight 
That  told  him  in  electric  light 
Which  of  the  trains  proposed  to  miss 
Which  of  his  stations,  that  or  this. 
And  there — for  on  the  silly  board 
Only  the  next  event  was  scored, 
But  of  the  further  trains  to  coma 
The  thing  was  absolutely  dumb — 
He  watched  the  alternating  text, 
Thinking   "The   next !— the    next  li- 
the next ! ! ! " 

Growing  forlorn  and  yet  forlorner, 
Waiting,  the  while  his  heart  went  flop, 
For  one  that  should  consent  to  stop 
At  Down  Street  and  at  Hyde  Park 

Corner ; 

Till  he  concluded,  red  with  wroth, 
That  nothing  ever  stopped  at  both. 

I  cannot  say  how  long  he  sat 
Without  a  smile,  without  a  hat ; 
But  finally  lie  felt  aware 
Of  a  desire  for  change  of  air, 
To  see  once  more  the  natural  light 
Before  his  head  was  wholly  white 
(It  must  have  been  about  midnight). 
So  toward  tho  regions  of  the  sun 
(Though  for  that  day  its  course  was 

done) 

Wearily  he  began  to  drift, 
And  fainted  halfway  up  the  lift. 

But  what  of  poor  Miss  Ruby  Warner, 
Waiting  her  love  at  Hyde  Park  Corner, 
Wishing  her  Ma  had  never  borne  her  ? 
Dinner  at  eight  o'clock  was  served 
And  she  must  eat  it,  all  unnerved, 
Letting  her  wild  thoughts  wander  far 
After  the  absent  Lochinvar. 
By  10.15  she  lost  all  hope 
Touching  his  promise  to  elope, 
And  in  a  pique  became  betrothed 
To  him  that  in  her  heart  she  loathed, 
Namely,  Sir  Obadiah  Doyle, 
Whose  speciality  was  Oil. 

And  thus  her  Sandy  she  forswore, 
Who,  true  to  her  in  every  pore, 
Still  hung  about  the  tubal  bore, 
Growing  forlorn  and  yet  forlorner, 
Trying  to  get  to  Hyde  Park  Corner. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  ACADEMY  NOTES. 

(In  humbk  imitation  of  soma  of  his 
Contemporaries.) 

ROOM  19  is  dominated  by  Mr. 
Mandragora's  "Interior  of  my  Cash- 
box."  As  a  tour  de  force  of  pigmentary 
ululation  this  poignant  cri  de  coulenr 
of  numismatic  negation  has  been  un- 
equalled since  CKISTIPPO  DI  FIRENZE'S 
"Last  Grain  of  Arsenic  in  the  Borgia 
Larder."  Berserk  in  ruthless  realism, 
yet  almost  bleating  with  pathos,  this 
enormous  canvas  is  obsessed  by  stark 
DANTE-like  lacunce  of  emptiness.  The 
brush  has  succeeded  in  painting  a 
vacuum ! 


It  is  a  pity  that  the  sombre  dcso- 
lazione  of  this  cliff -d'ceuvre  should  bo 
mocked  by  the  juxtaposition  of  Mr. 
Guy  Dalliance's  "  Drawing-room  Clock 
at  Dawn,  "  with  its  smirk  of  bourgeois 
villcggiatitra. 

It  is  a  relief  to  turn  to  Mr. 
Corporal's  appalling  "  Portrait  of  the 
Mayor  of  Brillington  " — more  merciless 
in  its  elephantiasis  than  the  hallu- 
cinations of  a  convex  mirror.  The 
artist  has  depicted  his  sitter  with 
remorseless  brutalita ;  and,  despite 
the  bravura  of  fur  overcoat  and  the 
insignia  of  office,  one  recoils  from  the 
canvas  in  ecstatic  repulsion. 

Almost  equally  masterly  in  its 
splendid  spleen  against  the  subject 
is  Mr.  Abb  Smith's  "Mrs.  Iky 
Naselbein."  With  amazing  insight 
ho  unveils  the  inmost  malignancy  of 
his  sitter's  mind,  while  satisfying  con- 
vention with  a  deafening  pasticcio  of 
her  famous  gems.  Almost  diabolic  in 
audacity  is  the  suggestion  of  the 
family  skeleton  in  the  cupboard 
behind  the  sitter. 

Of  opposite  attraction  is  Mr.  Bishop 
Park's  delicate  and  capricious  pastoral, 
'  Motor  Buses  in  Putney  High  Street  " 
— a    veritable     danse     dcs    tiymphcs ! 
Mr.    Park    is    as    dexterous     in     the 
glutinous    chiaroscuro    of    the    pave- 
nent  as  in  his  reticent  nuances  of  over- 
ubrication,   or   the   Puck-like  bragga- 
iocio  of  the    side-slip.       Gazing  with 
dimming  eyeson  this  elfin  and  charming 
dyll,  one  thinks  of  that  rapt  apostrophe 
of  KEATS,  "  Little  town,  thy  streets  for 
evermore  will  silent  be." 

The  Committee,  with  their  usual 
jrutal  ophthalmia,  have  "skied"  Mr. 
Lorenzo  Chalfont's  infinitely  tender 
'  Booking  Hall  at  Snow  Hill  Station  "  ; 
and  similarly  ill  -  treated  is  Miss 
Pantile's  courageous  "  Cinematograph 
Audience."  This  suggestive  little  can- 
vas is  a  miracle  of  restraint.  The 
artist  with  almost  spanielesque  fidelity 
las  painted  only  an  oblong  of  ebony 
alack. 

The  cynosure  of  Room  20  is  Mr. 
Stipple's  "Form  IV.  at  the  Vicarage." 
Loath  as  we  are  to  commend  humanity 
n  Art,  it  is  impossible  to  deny  the 
rugged  and  cyclopean  simpatica  of 
ihis  work.  It  will  be  the  popular  clou 
of  the  Exhibition. 

The  sccna  is  the  breakfast-room  of 
i  country  vicarage.  The  vicar  has  just 
opened  the  envelope,  and  his  apoplessia 
s  superbly  dynamic.  Mr.  Stipple,  in 
'act,  has  succeeded  in  visualising  an 
expletive  !  We  are  yet  more  impressed 
>y  the  exquisite  technique  of  the  over- 
;urned  cafctierc,  and  the  consummate 
restraint  of  the  parrot  in  the  back- 
ground. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAY  17,  1911. 


J 


BRINGING  DOWN   THE  HOUSE. 

MB.  LLOYD  GEOBGE  (responding  to  calls  of  "Author!"  after  the  first  performance  of  his  great  Insurance 
Drama).  "NEVER  KNEW  THE  HALOES  COME  SO  THICK  BEFORE.  PIT  AND  GALLERY  I'M 
USED  TO,  BUT  NOW  THE  STALLS  AND  DRESS-CIRCLE  HAVE  BROKEN  OUT!" 


MAY  17,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHAKIVAKF. 


359 


Til  a  CULTUEE   MARKET. 

|S],,><  ul.ition  in  first  ttliliois  anil   woiki   of 
art  in  said  to  lo  taking  tlie  pVe  of  bridge  and 
j  ing  in  tlic  United  S'.iitcs.] 

WALL    STREET. 

Hi  MBRANDTS  spurted  a  point  yester- 
day afternoon,  on  rumours  that  "  The 
Mill  "had  changed  hands  at  $600,000; 
a  cargo  of  three  hundred  tons  of  tivsh 
old  niiistors  is  expected  from  Europe. 
The  "  Duchess  of  Milan  "  is  quoted  at 
$250,000  taken  and  offered.  COUOTS 
sajjf,'!  d,  and  TITHXEKS  were  banged 
lieavily  hy  the  bears.  VKLASQUK/KS 
jumped  instantly  on  London  buying, 
and  were  healthy  and  strong  on  the 
wing  all  day. 

MSS.  of  HANDEL'S  sacred  works 
drooped  to  nothing,  first  editions  of 
STRAUSS  and  WAGNER  feverish,  BEET- 
HOVENS  Ordinary  djll,  MENLELSSOHNS 
A  nervy. 

Paradiso  Losts  crumbled,  but 
Hamlets  and  Othellos  boomed  on 
fresh  wiros  from  the  Shakspeare 
Exploration  Syndicate,  whose  mining 
expert  reported  having  struck  a  new 
reef  of  code  first  editions.  These  last 
ran  up  hurriedly  on  the  rumour  that  Mr. 
Piiciu'ONT  MORGAN  was  getting  together 
a  complete  collection  of  the  bard's 
works  regardless  of  expense,  and  any 
refuse  having  any  resemblance  to  an 
old  copy  was  worked  off  on  outsiders 
at  enhanced  figures. 

MONEY  MARKET. 

Money  was  scarce  all  morning,  and 
several  day-to-day  loans'  were  negoti- 
ated by  prominent  artists  and  actors. 
Gold  was  in  a  very  sluggish  circulation 
in  the  Eoyal  Academy  department, 
being  more  plentiful  for  forward  de- 
livery than  for  spot  cash.  A  good  deal 
of  bar  silver  changed  hands  in  the 
lefreshment  section. 

STOCK  EXCHANGE. 

Authors  were  more  optimistic,  the 
literary  market  being  roused  to  some 
extent  from  its  lethargy  by  a  perusal  of 
the  new  Copyright  Bill.  Dramatists 
were  dull  and  devoid  of  interest — 
especially  in  the  musical  comedy 
section—  and  towards  nightfall  showed 
an  irregular  tendency.  A  large  consign- 
ment of  plots  for  dramas  and  novels 
arrived  from  Paris  and  Vienna. 
In  Musicians  there  was  nothing  doing. 
Owing  to  the  uear  approach  of  quarter- 
dav,  overnight  accommodation  was 
V  in  request  among  Sculptors  and 
Tampers  for  the  settlement,  and  in 
many  instances  landlords'  and  trades- 
men's bills  were  carried  over  at  an 
increased  rate.  The  only  strong 
feature  was  the  boom  in  GKKAYKSKS 
\\  hioh  also  had  the  effect  of  attracting 


Unch  George  (up  in  London  for  the  Festival  of  Empire}. 

WAS   A  BOY — WONDERFUL  FACILITIES — MARCH  OF  SCIENCE  ! 
I'LEASE,    MlSS." 


'  REMARKABLE  PROGRESS  sixes  I 

1'OUR  TWO   FIV«  TWO  WESTEKX, 


attention    to   WHISTLERS    which    had 
lately  eased  off. 

NEW  COMPANY. 

THE  ARTISTIC  CULTURE  DEVELOPMENT 
WOBKS,  LTD. 

This  Company  has  been  formed  for 
the  objects  mentioned  in  the  Memo- 
randum of  Association,  and  also  for 
some  others  inadvisable  to  publish  in 
print — namely,  to  acquire,  develop, 
touch-up,  boom,  fake,  stuff,  talk-up, 
foist-off,  and  otherwise  dispose  of  busts, 
paintings,  old  editions,  musical  instru- 
ments, statues,  etc.,  etc. 

An  expert  in  handwriting  will  be 
retained  to  forge  signatures,  and  piracy 
(musical  and  literary)  will  be  con- 
ducted by  a  competent  adviser  in  the 
Appropriation  Department. 

The  manufacture  of  Strad  violins  will 
bo  commenced  on  a  wholesale  scale. 


A  profitable  income  is  also  expected 
from  the  stuffing  of  modern  busts  with 
old  waistcoats. 

The  main  purpose  of  the  Company 
will  be  to  buy  up  the  works  of  promis- 
ing twentieth-century  artists  and  make 
them  as  good  as  old.  Contracts  have 
been  entered  into  for  a  large  supply  of 
lichen  and  mildew. 

A  brokerage  of  3d.  por  share  will  bo 
paid  on  all  applications  bearing  an 
art  dealer's  or  theatrical  agent's  stamp. 


"On  the  principle  that  half  a  loaf  is  better 
than  bread  .  .  ." — Iht  ffyjtaland  Time*. 

This  must  be  the  half,  probably  the 
bottom  half,  where  the  semolina  and 
the  germ  collect.  We  congratulate 
our  bright  little  contemporary  on  hav- 
ing got  wind,  at  that  distance,  of  the 
Standard  idea. 


360 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  17,  1911. 


STORIES   FOR   UNCLES. 

(Being  Extracts  from  the  MSS.  of 
a  Six-Year  Niece.) 

No.  X. — NORA  AND  CYNTHIA. 

MENNY  yeers  ago  ther  wos  an 
old  granfather  klok  it  wos  made 
of  wood  it  stood  in  a  haul  and  its 
name  wos  Nora  it  wos  a  verry 
jellus  klok  and  hated  all  the  others 
the  gold  klok  in  the  drornroom  so 


LIKE 


LIKE. 


but  it   coodent   see 
it    dident    mind   so 


mutsh  Nora  wos  a  grate  pet  in  the  famly  the  childern 
patted  her  fase  and  Edwad  yoosd  to  open  her  dore  and 
git  inside  and  play  with  the  swing  things  ther  his  father 
found  him  ther  wunce  and  smakd  him  and  a  man  kame 
evry  Satday  to  wind  Nora  up  he  sed  she  wos  a  wundfle 
klok  and  dident  loos  more  than  a  minnit. 

Wun  day  Edwads  father  kame  home  from  London  his 
name  wos  Mr.  Simmstn  and  he  sed  to  his  wiph  Ive  got 
sumthing  for  you. 

Wot  is  it  she  sed. 

Its  sumthing  you  wont  sed  her  husbcn. 

I  wont  a  loter  things  sed  his  wiph. 

"Wei  sed  Mr.  Simmsen  this  is  wun  of  them. 

Does  it  begin  with  a  B  sed  the  wiph. 

No  it  dosent  sed  the  husben  its  mutsh  better  than  that. 

Then  it  begins  with  a  D  sed  Mrs.  Simmsen  she  wonted  a 
dimond. 

Your  rong  sed  the  husben  it  begins  with  a  K. 

Is  it  a  kan  of  worter  she  sed  larfing  at  him  at  the  same 
time. 

No  its  a  klok  sed  Mr.  Simmsen  and  he  brort  out  a 
butifle  littel  silver  klok  with  a  silver  lady  siting  on  it. 

0  thank  you  sed  the  wiph  how  verry  kind  of  you  lets  put 
it  on  the  table  wots  its  name. 

The  jooler  told  me  its  name  wos  Mary  sed  the  husben. 

Wei  sed  the  wiph  weel  cal  it  Sinther.  Ive  alwis  wonted 
a  klok  cald  Sinther  and  this  is  the  wun. 

Then  they  put  Sinther  on  the  tabel  in  the  haul  wer  Nora 


'  arm  with  her  arm  and  they  warkd 
upstares  and  put  the  lites  out  in 
the  rums  and  passidges  but  sudnly 
loud  skreems  wer  herd  only  the 
wiph  dident  hear  them  she  wos 
fast  asleep  so  wos  the  husben  he 
dreemd  he  herd  them  but  he  dident 
wak  up  Edwad  herd  them  alrite 
he  put  en  his  slipers  and  cum  out 
of  the  nersry  and  crep  doun  the  stares  and  the  skreems 
wer  geting  wersa  evry  time  and  he  turnd  up  the  lites  in 
the  haul  and  loan  bold  he  saw  a  terbls  site. 

Nora  had  cum  away  from  the  waul  and  kort  hold  of 
Sinther  and  wos  trine  to  chok  her  and  the  silver  lady  on 
top  of  Sinther  was  in  an  orfle  state  she  was  doing  all  the 
skreems  in  French  Sinther  wos  a  French  klok  I  forgoc  about 
that  but  she  wos  French  alrite  Sinther  woodent  giv  in  she 
wos  as  braves  a  wosp  but  Nora  wos  brave  tu  and  she  wos  as 
strongs  a  hinosrus  at  last  Sinther  cald  out  111  hav  piece 
and  Nora  thru  her  doun  on  the  flore  and  brok  her  into  a 
thousen  pices. 

Thers  anuther  klok  in  the  drornroom  sed  Edwad  havent 
you  seen  it. 

No  sed  Nora  I  havent  open  the  dore  and  111  kil  it  Edwad 
thort  it  wos  good  fun  to  see  kloks  quorling  and  smasshing 
wun  anuther  so  he  opend  the  drornroom  dore  and  Nora 
went  in  and  trid  to  smassh  the  gold  klok  but  the  gold  klok 
wos  a  good  fiter  and  wen  theyd  bin  fiting  for  ten  minnits 
Nora  sed  Im  tird  Ive  had  nuff  and  the  gold  klok  hit  her  in 
the  fase  and  Nora  fel  doun  on  the  karpit  and  wen  she  blu  2 
bios  out  of  her  mouth  she  wos  ded. 

Thats  kild  her  sed  the  gold  klok  and  the  nex 
morning  wen  Edwad  cum  doun  to  brekfus  his  father  sed 
youve  bin  medling  with  the  kloks  agen  and  his  father 
smakd  him  all  the  same  the  wiph  wos  verry  sory  bout 
Sinther  but  she  coodent  mend  her  ther  wer  tu  menny 
pices  Edwad  never  told  this  story  til  he  wos  a  granfather 
hisself  and  then  he  told  it  to  me  and  Ive  told  it  to  my  uncle 
Edwad  forgav  his  father  for  smaking  him  but  he  never  smakd 


cood  see  her  and  Nora  wos  furus  she  wos  angrer  than  a  j  his  own  childern  this  wos  the  end  of  Nora  and  Sinther. 
guvniss  the  husben  and  the  wiph  went  in  to  dinner  the 
wiph  gav  him  a  verry  good  dinner  becos  he  brort  Sinther 
ther  wos  supe  and  chops  and  aspagrus  and  a  choklit  kake 


Things  that  the  Insurance  Bill  is  like. 

"  The  fact  is  that  the  measure  pr.sented  by  Mr.   Lloyd  George  this 


.    .   .-  ,    evening  is  like  nothing  so  much  as  the  definition  of  C<rbenis  bv  the 

and  ises  and  they  had  grate joicmgs  about  the  new  klok  at  im;no^al  Mrs.  MB,apro*  _,  lwo  single  geutie,re,i  rolled  into  one.'  " 


last  it  wos  time  to  go  to  bed  and  the  wiph  tuk  the  husbens 


Birmingham  Daily  Po  t. 


MAY  17.  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


3G1 


Soldier  (K.F.A.).  "  NEXT  WEEK  I'M  OFF  TO  OKEHAIIPTOS,  FOR  A  COURSE." 

Professional  Dyspeptic.  "A  COURSE— OKEUAMPTOX— LET  MS  SEE,  is  THAT  SULPIIUE  OB  CHALYBEATE?" 


THE    GREEN    PERIL. 

["How  many  years  doos  a  golfer  take  off  his  life  by  waste  of  nervous 
tissue  on  the  greens?  Those,  at  lea-t,  who  stand  for  sevoial  seconds 
glar'ng  fixedly  at  the  hall  bef.re  they  finally  strike  it,  must  shorten 
appreciably  their  mortal  span." — Mr.  A.  C.  H.  Croome.] 

EEGQIE,  old  man,  our  eyes  are  strangely  shut 
To  all  the  meaning  of  the  laggard  hand  which 
Betrays  the  nerves  of  lesser  men 
(Conjoined  with  other  symptoms)  when 
Thoy  execute  the  dilatory  putt 

Upoa  the  sward  of  Suuningdale  or  Sandwich. 

Do  you  observe  that  every  time  you  eye 

With  pulsing  orbs,  and  breathing  quick  and  choky. 
Yon  fatal  sphere,  the  mental  strife 
Is  taking  pieces  off  your  life? 
Which  means,  my  Reginald,  that  you  will  die 
Sooner  by  years  than  if  you  stuck  to  croquet. 

Well,  we  must  alter;  but  I  doubt  we  can. 
'Tis  hard  to  putt  without  procrastination, 
Without  a  shaking  in  the  shoes  ; 
Which  makes  it  clear  that  we  must  choosa 
Between  curta'ling  our  appointed  span 
And  giving  up  this  risky  recreation. 

Wo  twain,  I  know,  will  choose  tho  nobler  lot, 
Nor  shall  we  grudge  the  price  of  our  adherence. 
You  will  continue,  as  before, 
To  biff  tho  bounding  rubber-core 


In  peerless  drive  and  stunning  brassie  shot — 
And  you  will  make  an  early  disappearance. 

But  when  you  die  the  bard  will  yet  survive, 
And  golf,  and  golf,  and  not  for  years  deplore  it, 
For  it  is  seldom,  after  all, 
That  he  's  required  to  hole  the  ball, 
Seeing  (ye  gods ! )  that  four  times  out  of  five 
The  other  chap  has  six  or  seven  "  for  it." 


"Is  it  not  tn:e  (asks  a  writer  to-day)   that,  on  the  whole,  brackets 
are  usually  the  sign  of  confuted  thought  and  mental  awkwardness?" 

Yorkshire  Scaling  Post. 

We  trust  not,  for  the  sake  of  the  Yorkshire  Evening  Post. 


"  Lieutenant  Cammell,  one  would  add,  has  already  with  characteristic 
quietude,  really  taken  the  steam  cut  of  the  enterprise  for  a  demonstra- 
tion at  Heudou  o.i  1'iiday  next,  albc-it  doubtless  there  will  be  produced 
somewhere  cr  other  from  France  a  military  two-seater,  though  it  is  so 
early  in  the  season,  to  take  the  place  of  his  two-seater  Bleiiot,  which  I 
do  not  anticipate  will  be  figuring  there,  in  that  he  arrived  casually  one 
evening  at  Hendon  last  week,  explained  that  he  would  like  to  nee  the 
madiiue  that  he  had  bought,  made  a  short  trip  on  it  with  Frier,  then 
got  on  board  by  h'msilf  and  flew,  in  face  of  the  setting  sun,  without  any 
maps  or  special  equi|  meut,  from  Hendon  across  country  over  Richmond- 
hill  and  nianv  buildings  to  Fainborough,  whence  on  Thursday  last  he 
started  with  Lieutenai.t  Fox,  of  the  Hoyal  Kngineeis,  ulso  a  member  of 
the  Air  Battalion,  t>  navigate  across  coui.try  with  a  map,  the  objective 
baing  Salisbury  Plain." — Morning  Post. 

One  of  the  longest  non-stop  nights  we  ever  have  seen  in 
print. 


302 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[M.\Y  17,  1911. 


THE  TOPIC    OF    THE    NIGHT. 

"  ABE  you  going  to  the  Coronation  ?  " 
asked  my  first  partner  as  wo  rested 
after  our  exertions. 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  after  thinking  it  out 
can-fully.  "Yes.  .  .  .  Are  you?" 
1  added,  making  a  great  effort  to  keep 
the  ball  rolling. 

"  Yes." 

Sometimes  at  dances  I  get  very  tired, 
and  can't  think  of  anything  to  say. 
It  was  not  so  on  this  occasion. 

"  Have  you  got  your  seats  yet  ?  "  I 
asked. 

"  Yes.    Father  got  them  to-day." 

I  rose  to  the  occasion  brilliantly. 

"  Where  are  they  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Outside-St.  Margaret's." 

"  Oh,  yes.  I  expect  you  '11  see  it 
all  from  there." 

"  I  expect  so." 

There  was  nothing  more  to  be  said  ; 
and  in  a  little  while  I  was  dancing 
with  my  second  partner.  As  soon  as 
we  were  seated  we  turned  to  each  other 
and  asked : 

"  Are  you  going  to  the  Coronation  ?  " 

"  After  you,"  I  said,  with  a  bow. 

"  1  was  just  wondering  if  you  were 
going  to  the  Coronation." 

"  Well,  I  'm  not  quite  sure  yet. 
Are  you  ?  " 

"  Oh,  rather.    We  've  got  our  seats." 

"  I  was  just  going  to  ask  you  if  you 
had.  Where  are  they  ?  " 

"  Outside  St.  Margaret's." 

I  looked  at  her  anxiously  for  a 
moment. 

"  Did  you  dance  with  me  just  now  ?  " 
I  asked. 

"No,"  she  said  in  surprise.  "I 
don't  think  I  've  ever  danced  with  you 
before." 

"  You  would  remember — I  mean  I 
should  remember  if  you  had,  of  course. 
But  the  fact  is  there 's  somebody  here 
who  talks  just  like  you." 

"  Eeally  ?  "  she  said  with  interest ; 
and  so  I  drifted  on  to  my  next  partner. 

This  time  I  waited  for  her  to  begin. 

"  I  suppose  you  're  going  to  the  Coro- 
nation ?  "  she  asked. 

"  The  Coronation  ?  "  I  repeated  doubt- 
fully to  myself ;  "  the  Coronation  ?  Oh, 
that 's  the  little  thing  they  're  doing  at 
the  Abbey  next  month,  isn't  it?  No,  I 
don't  think  I  shall  go." 

"Oh,  but  why  not?" 

"  I  never  go  to  Coronations." 

"We've  got  seats  outside  St.  Mar- 
garet's," she  volunteered. 

"  The  whole  parish  is  here  to-night," 
I  murmured  to  myself. 

"  What  did  you  say  ?  " 

"  I  said  it  would  be  much  cooler 
inside  St.  Margaret's." 

"But  then  you  wouldn't  see  the 
procession." 


"True,"  I  admitted.  "There  'sal- 
ways  that.  It 's  simply  a  question  of 
which  you  prefer." 

"  I  suppose  so,"  she  said  doubtfully. 

My  fourth  partner  skipped  the 
opening  exchanges  altogether  and 
asked  me  point-blank  if  I  had  got  my 
seals  yet. 

"  llather,"  I  said.  "  Just  outside 
St.  Margaret's." 

"  Ours  are  outside  St.  Clement's." 

I  nearly  dropped  the  lemonade — we 
were  in  the  lemonade  room — as  I 
looked  at  her. 

"  I  believe  you  've  been  done,"  I  said 
at  last.  "  What  makes  you  think 
they  're  having  a  coronation  there  ?  " 

"  Well,  they  're  putting  up  seats, 
anyhow." 

"  Oh,  well,  I  suppose  they  know. 
But  you  've  come  on  the  wrong  night, 
I  m  afraid.  Only  the  St.  Margaret's 
people  are  here  this  evening." 

However,  I  must  have  been  wrong 
about  that,  for  my  next  three  partners 
had  got  seats  in  Piccadilly,  Whitehall 
and  Piccadilly  respectively.  (I  suppose 
I  must  have  struck  a  family  of  sisters 
at  the  start — that 's  how  it  was.)  The 
Whitehall  member  was  the  most  in- 
teresting of  them,  and  when  we  had 
exhausted  the  subject  of  the  Coronation 
agreed  with  me  that  it  would  not  be 
very  long  before  we  were  all  of  us 
going  about  in  aeroplanes.  And-  she 
was  nice  enough  to  think  that  it  was 
very  brave  of  me  to  say  that  I  should 
like  to  go  up  in  one  now. 

When  I  got  to  my  fifteenth  and  last 
partner,  St.  Margaret's  and  Piccadilly 
were  leading  at  five-all,  and  the  casting 
vote  might  rest  with  her. 

"  I  suppose,"  I  began — - 

"  No,"  she  said,  "  I  'm  not." 

"  We  ought  to  have  met  before,"  I 
said  warmly.  "  They  've  been  talking 
to  you,  too." 

"  They  have." 

"  Well,  I  shouldn  't  have  begun  it,  if 
I  hadn't  thought  you  'd  have  begun  it 
if  1  hadn't.  Is  that  clear,  or  shall  I 
say  it  backwards?  " 

"  Oh,  do  say  it  backwards." 

"  Perhaps  it  would  be  too  exciting 
for  you  at  this  time  of  night.  May  I 
ask  you  just  one  question  instead?  " 

"  If  it  isn't  about- — you  know." 

"  It  isn't  about  that  at  all.  It 's 
simply  to  settle  a  little  bet  I  've  got  on. 
Er — if:  you  were  in  London  on  a  hot 
day  in  June  and  you  wanted  to  sit 
down,  would  you  do  it  outside  St.  Mar- 
garet's or  outside  Piccadilly  ?  " 

"  Neither,"  she  said. 

So  that 's  how  it  is.  A.  A.  M. 


"Manchester  v.  Sale. — Good  all-round  play 
by  Barrell." — Manchester  Courier. 

BARRELL  comes  into  his  own  at  last. 


THE    INVOCATION    A    DREAM. 

[Addrc  sed  to  Mr.  W.  HKACII  THOMAS,  tlic 
ornithological  expert  of  The  JMilij  Mail,  long 
idmirud  Irum  alar.] 

!QME  out,  my  BEACH  !   come  out  and 

teach, 
Beyond  the  traffic's  tight  jar  ; 

Come  out  amid  the  fields  and  herds, 
And  tell  us  all  the  names  of  birds,  i 
And  what  is  who,  and  which  is  each, 
And  whether  that's  a  night-jar. 

I  '11  say,  "  Hark,  hark  !  there  goes  the 

lark !  " 

And  you  shall  murmur,  "  Not  it ; 
That  was  an  owl,  unless  I  err, 
Theie  is  a  spotted  fly-catcher! ' 
Is  it  ?  "  shall  be  my  awed  remark, 
"  I  somehow  failed  to  spot  it." 

Then  up  shall  float  the  rapturous  note 
Of  cuckoos  in  the  covers, 

And,  faring  on  by  field  and  fen, 
We  '11  find  the  titmouse  in  his  den, 
And  cull  from  aspic  trees  remote 
The  mottled  eggs  of  plovers. 

You  shall  prolong  the  bittern's  song 
And  burble  to  the  wryneck  ; 

The  jay,  the  cushat,  and  the  pye 
Shall  tell  us  little  tales,  and  1 
Shall  all  the  time  be  going  strong 
Out  of  the  back  of  my  neck. 

Thus  all  the  lore  I  've  learnt  before, 
But  could  not  rightly  follow, 

I'll  quaff  beside  the  fountain-head 
(And  by  the  way  I  should  have  said, 
I  do  so  want  to  hear  some  more 
About  the  dear  old  swallow). 

So  out  by  rail,  to  some  green  vale  ! 
THOMAS,  the  road  is  easy  : 

Let  me  behold  you  where  the  coots 
And  wagtails  perch  upon  your  boots 
Plotting  a  sermon  for  The  Mail, 
Like  FRANCIS  of  Assisi.          EVOE. 


"  Her  head  was  crowned  in  gold  and  her 
small  figure  draped  in  a  deeper  shade  of  glue — .1 
costume  which  she  is  expected  to  wear  at  the 
Coronation  ceremony." — Bombay  GazctL: 

This  was  the  appropriate  costume  of 
the  Be-gum  of  BHOPAL  when  she  was 
presented  to  the  KINO  (as  PRINCE  OF 
WALES)  in  India,  and  we  are  not  sur- 
prised that  she  should  stick  to  it  for 
the  Coronation. 


Science  for  the  Home. 

"  It  is  important  that  children's  tinder-clothes 
should  be  thoroughly  well  aired  before  they  are 
put  away,  as  the  danger  of  wearing  linen  that 
is  not  absolutely  dry  is  well-known,  leading  t) 
rheumatism  and  electric  light." — Devon  and 
Exeter  Gazette. 

A  cheap  way  of  producing  it,  however, 
and,  besides,  electric  light  is  much  less 
dangerous  than  gas. 


MAY  17.  19.11.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIARIVAKf. 


363 


ROYAL    ACADEMY-SECOND    DEPRESSIONS. 

ANOTHCft   INJUSTICE   TO   WOMEN  ! 


TH£  CINQUE-CENTO   STYLE  op- 


RUSTIC  'RgCtiTUDE  .'          fjlg 


THE  ONLY  BUST    ONE    CAM  BE    QUITE 
SURE  IS  NOT  INTENDED.  RJR   KINO 
COWARD  TUJ  ! 


HOW  DO  YOU  LIKE   m  NEW   RftRlS -CUM  BAGDAD 
FROCK?  -'ITS    A  'SUMUR'UN'."" 


. 

CR£SACTOTT.'! 

'I  SAY!  HANG  IT  ALL''.' -WHOLE 
LOT  OF  GIRLS  STARTING  BATH  I  NO 
RIGHT  ALONGSIDE  ME  .'!  DEUCED 
AWKWARD  !     AWFVLLY  HARO  T'PRESERVE 
'N  AIR  OF  FRICiD  UNCONCERN  ALU    >( 

'7H'  Sl/MMAH   DOI-1T  V  KNOW  !!  WHAT? 


• 


FIELD  ARTILLERY 
TAKINO  UP   A 
GOOD  POSITION 


MACBETH 


(FROM 

'OLBORNj 


"IS THIS  A  DAGGER 
WHICH  I  SEE    6£FOfU 
ME  .  •    ? 

'OR  ART  THOU  BUT  A  DACCER  of  THE  MIKO 

A  FALSE  CR£«nofJ  .  . 

PROCEEDING-    FH3M  THt  HEAT OPPRCSStO  BRfVN 

I  SfeTHte'Vtr. iNfo(?M  AS  PrtcPoftie  •* 

A5  THIS  tt-'MICH    rg£W  I  D^AtV.  " 


364 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


FMAY  17,  1911. 


"DlD  TOU  TELL  OLE  JoE  AS  I  WAS  A  BLOOMl!('  LIAR?" 


"No,  I  THOUGHT  'E  KNEW!" 


THE  LITTLE  TOWNS. 

PUDSEY. 
[After  Sir.  UILAIBE  BELLOC.] 

MEN  have  invariably  two  sets  of 
affections  and  two  anchoring  grounds. 
Thus  in  a  man's  life  his  mother  and 
his  M.P. ;  on  another  plane  his  public- 
house  and  his  church  ;  on  another  his 
wanderings  and  his  memories  ;  and  on 
another  the  great  mountains  and  the 
little  towns. 

The  little  town  that  means  so  much 
to  me  is  Pudsey,  in  the  heart  of  York- 
sh're.  It  is  the  strategic  centre  of 
England.  It  lies  like  a  lion  couchant 
between  Lseds  and  Bradford.  Who 
holds  Pudsey  controls  those  two  great 
cities  and  has  sway  over  the  North 
Boad  bstween  London  and  Edinburgh. 

No  stately  cathedral  towers  over  the 
little  town.  No  citadel  holds  ib  in 
thrall.  It  is  just  a  little  town.  But 
it  has  bread,  and  yellow  beer,  and 
faith  ;  and  thus  Pudsey,  the  unknown, 
the  Lhassa  of  Yorkshire,  is  dear  beyond 
wo:ds  to  me. 


Radical  Premier  inexpressibly 


The  drums  and  tramplings  of  three 
conquests  have  left  Pudsey  untouched. 
The  Middle  Ages  changed  it  not  a  whit. 
The  Victorian  Age  besmoked  it  but  left 
no  mark  on  its  spiritual  atmosphere. 
To-day  it  stands,  dour  and  dogged, 
glowering  on  its  neighbour  Morley, 
which  gave  a  so-called 
to  England.  But  when  the  great  day 
comes  and  the  battle  is  formed  Pud- 
sey will  give  the  lead  to  England,  and 
the  tricky  sham-fighters  of  modern 
politics  will  cower  before  the  stern 
arbitrament  of  Pudsey 's  sword. 

The  little  town  of  Pudsey  gives  as 
much  pleasure  as  may  be  given  by  that 
delightful  sense  of  observation  which 
you  get  in  the  eyes  of  the  old  when 
their  lives  have  besn  well  lived.  The 
town  of  Pudsey  does  not  die  as  men 
die.  It  stands  in  grey  immortality.  It 
has  old  grey  -  stone  hostelries  at  its 
corners,  where  stern  men  grip  their 
tankards  firmly  with  a  cautious  eye 
on  their  neighbours.  The  Leeds  trams 
clang  through  its  streets,  yet  Pudsey 
deigns  no  answer  to  their  clamour.  Its 
gas  -  works  swell  out  magnificently 


and  dominate  it  as  Windsor's  castle 
dominates  the  royal  borough. 

I  wish  that  human  life  might  lr»t  for 
ever  that  I  might  continue  year  after 
year  to  get  down  at  the  simple  station 
and  see  the  simple  sights  and  hear  the 
simple  sounds  that  memory  renders 
dear  to  me.  The  stern, 
judicial  "  Gud  neefc  "  of  the  policeman 
on  night  patrol;  the  cheerful  "  'Ere  's 
luck "  of  the  masterful  Yorkshire 
drinkers  ;  the  thrill  that  one  ex- 
periences when  the  lamplighter  issues 
forth  and  when  the  sweep  comes 
home.  To  revisit  this  little  town 
perpetually,  and  renew  my  loves  with 
it,  I  could  wish  that  human  life 
stretched  on  for  ever. 

There  are  other  towns  that  tug  at 
my  heart-strings ;  Moses  Gate,  the  nerve 
centre  of  busy  Lancashire ;  Tonypandy, 
which  but  awaits  its  Danton  to  make  a 
revolution  ;  and  Burton,  dear  Burton, 
from  which  the  malt-life  of  England 
steadily  pulsates ;  but  I  come  back  ever 
to  Pudsey. 

It  has  bread,  and  yellow  bser,  r.nJ 
faith.  It  is  my  little  town. 


PUNCH,   OR   THK    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAY  17,   1911. 


YICTORIAE  •  REGINAE  •  IMPERATRIC1 
ARS  •  YICTRIX 

LONDON.  "  WORTHY    OF    A    GREAT    QUEEN ! " 
PUNCH.  "AND    OF    A    GREAT    CITY!" 


MAY   17,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THK    LONDON    CIIAIMVAIM. 


3«7 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

.  ,  of    Medway    Liberal 
(EXTRACTED  FKOM  THE  DIAKY  OK  lour,  M.P.)    _,„._  i0of 


sufficient 

of  Lurilx,  Moiittiit/. — Odd  thing    guarded, 
happened  just  now.     House  crowded   mity. 
to  hear  LANSDOWXI-:  explain  his  Reform 


being  a   little  worried  of   iniquitous  chucking-away  of  chances  in 
late,  sudden  recognition  of  Chairman   the   raoa    with    (i^rmany    for    predo- 

of   Naval   powe.',    McKicNXA 


to      upset 
almost 


Association    was   mmence 
ordinarily     well- 
equani- 


phlegmatic 


The  9th  of  April  was 


:. — LANSDOWNE    intro- 

1U1I.  A  garland  of  IV  'ivsses  wreatlied  duces  Bill  designed  to  exterminate  tlie 
the  side  galleries,  on  this  occasion  ;  loyal  Backwoodsman, 
specially  reserved  for  their  ladyships'  House  of  Commons,  Tuesday. — JOHN 
accommodation.  On  steps  of  throne  WAUD  rather  to  the  front  just  now. 
Privy  Councillors  jostled  each  other  for  I  Pink  of  loyalty,  he  baa  bought  him- 
front  places.  Everyone  glad  to  see  self  a  new  felt  hat  in  honour  of  the 


fame 


LAXSUOWNE  back  in  renewed  health. 
Nohle  Lords  displayed  generous  emo- 
tion by  a  murmured  cheer. 

Lucid  explanation  of  revolu- 
tionary measure  occupied  hour 
and  a  half.  It  was  on  LEADER 
OF  OPPOSITION  resuming  his  seat 
that,  as  WILLIAM  BLACK  used 
occasionally  to  remark  in 
strangely  forgotten  novels,  "  Lo! 
a  strange  thing  happened." 
Lour>  CHANCELLOR  put  the 
question  "  That  this  Bill  be  read 
a  second  time."  In  this  storied 
chamber  exclamation  regarded 
as  bad  form.  But  Noble  Lords 
so  taken  aback  at  this  strange 
slip  that  amid  general  movement 
thero  were  correcting  cries  of 
"  First  reading." 

CHANCELLOR,  hurriedly  rising 
again,  amended  the  error,  and 
way  cleared  for  Lord  MORLEY, 
who  declared  against  the 
measure  in  uncompromising 
tone  and  manner  that  recalled 
LANSDOWNE'S  treatment  of  Old- 
Age  Pensions  Scheme  when  it 
came  along  after  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
in  the  Commons  bad  publicly 
washed  his  bands  of  responsi- 
bility in  the  matter. 

The     MEMBER     FOR     SAHK, 

listening  to  speech  from  one  of  i . 
,,  11   it    i    *  •      homo  to  roost. 

toe  pens  allotted   for  conveni- 
ence of  Commoners,  explains  an 


Coronation.    Compared  with  the  head- 
gear  under   which   be  earned  earliest 
(SAHK     understands    it 


quietly  added 
a  Sunday." 

JOHN  had  got  hold  of  the  wrong  end  I 
of  the  stick,  or,  to  bring  the  imagery 
nearer  home,  had  put  on  hia  hat  back 
to  front. 

Undismayed  by  this  accident  he 
turned  up  to-day  with  a  new  word  for 
addition  to  the  English  language. 
Asked  UNDER-SECRETARY  FOU  INDIA 
whether  it  is  proposed  to  alter  the  law 


"D THE    COXSEQUEXCES." 

He — er  — defied  the  consequences.     To-^ay  they  have  come 

(Viscount  MILKER.) 


incident  that  occasioned  much  remark. '  hangs  in 
Just  as  CHANCELLOR  was  rising  to  put  Madame 
question  his  eye  fell  upon  WALTER 


amid  group  of  M.P.'s  below 
the  Bar.  It  is  a  matter  of  common 
report  that  WALTER  has  volunteered  to 
"  see  the  LORD  CHANCELLOR  "  about 
constitution  of  Mailing  bench  of  magis- 
trates, which,  consisting  of  fifteen 
Conservatives  at  time  of  LOREBURN'S 
accession  to  office,  has  since  been 


the  Chamber  of  Horrors  at 
TUSSAUD'S    next     to    JOHN 
BURNS'S   historic   straw    hat)    it    is    a 


relating  to  the  payment  of  wages  due 
to-day  to  natives  "so  as  to  prevent  the  victim- 
—  isation  of  the  working  popu- 
lation." Not  a  pretty  word 
"  victimisation,"  but  well  enough 
for  a  beginner. 

Guillotine  merrily  at  work 
chopping  off  amendments  to 
Report  stage  of  Parliament  Bill. 
This  to  be  concluded  to-morrow 
night,  to  which  end  the  hours 
are  parcelled  out,  and  on  the 
stroke  down  drops  the  ruthless 
blade.  As  the  amendments  are 
old  acquaintances,  made  familiar 
in  Committee,  without  the 
slightest  chance  of  being  ac- 
cepted on  second  time  of  asking, 
no  serious  harm  is  done.  Still 
it  is  a  stupid  performance,  in- 
volving loss  of  two  sittings. 

At  one  moment  clamorous 
storm  burst  round  the  ethereal 
form  of  COUSIN  HUGH.  According 
to  time-table,  guillotine  blade 
due  to  fall  at  half-past  four. 
At  4.28  COUSIN  HUGH  interposed; 
received  with  shout  of  angry 
remonstrance  from  Radical  quar- 
ter. HUGH  always  ready  for 
light.  If  any  trait  their  coat 
before  him,  be  sure  he'll  tread 
on  it.  Ministers  had  declined  to 
enter  upon  detailed  discussion 
of  amendments  on  ground  that 
had  already  been  debated  in 
'  Yah  !  "  cried  COUSIN 


shade  lighter  and  a  furlong  or  eo  less 
ample  in  dimensions.  Not  so  deep  as 
a  well  nor  so  wide  as  a  church  door,  it 
will,  like  Mcrcutio's  wound,  serve. 

Yesterday  JOHN  created  some  sensa- 
tion by  drawing  statement  from  FIRST 
LORD  OF  THE  ADMIRALTY  in  reply  to  ques- 


they 

Committee. 
HUGH,  wringing  bis  bands  in  anguish 
over  such  evidence  of  human  depravity, 
"you  don't,  answer  our  arguments 


because  you  can't." 
Here  the   Radicals 


broke    in   with 


prolonged  burst  of  groans  an:l  jeers. 
COUSIN  HUGH  raised  his  voice  almost 
to  screaming  pitch  in  va'n  effort  to 


tion  as  to  how  many  men  were  employed   shout  down  the  enemy.    Happily,  clock 

strengthened    by    addition     of     seven !  in  one  of  the  dockyards  on  the  9th  of  I  interposed   with   stroke   of    half-hour, 
members  of  whom  the  odd  half-dozen    ' 
are  Tories. 

Of  course  there  is  nothing  terrific  in 
prospect  of  the  interview.  None  of 
M  -uuiCE  HEWLETT'S  Brazeuhcad  about 
WALTER  McLAiiEN.  On  the  contrary 
he  is  the  mildest-mannered  man  that 


April,  and  how  many  hours  each  one 
worked?  It  turned  out  that  there 
were  no  men  in  the  dockyard  on  the 
date  named,  nor  was  a  stroke  of  work 
done.  Whilst  House  gasped  at  state 
of  things  here  revealed  and  guardians 
of  the  Navy  moored  behind  Front  Op- 


ever  faced  a  constituency.     Still,  LORD  ]  position  Bench  half  rose  to  denounce   ill-populated  scene.      Not    quite    two 


and  Members  went  forth  to  vote  on 
proposed  new  clause. 

Business  done. — Clause  1  of  Parlia- 
ment Bill  passed  Report  stage  without 
amendment. 

House  of  Lords,  Thursday. — MILNER 
seated  on  Cross  Bench  moodily  regards 


r 


30H 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  17,  1911. 


years  ago  great  things  were  in  the 
making.  LLOYD  GEOKGK 's  Budget 
\v;is  slowly  working  its  way  through 
Commons.  Its  arrival  in  Lords  im- 
minent. What  would  they  do  with 
it?  Strident  voices  were  raised  in 
passionate  demand  that  it  should 


MB.    PUNCH'S    LITERARY 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 

THE   ELIXIR  OF  LIFE. 

How  wags  the  world  with  you  ? 
Perhaps  it  doesn't  wag  at  all.      Per- 


be  straightway  thrown  out.     Moderate  '  haps  it  shakes  with  an  ague,  or  trips  to 
men  talked  fearsoinelv  of  the  nonso- 1  a  St.  Vitus's  measure.  Perhaps  it  tosses 


according  as  your  stocks  move  upward 
or  downward ;  you  offer  your  love,  and 
are  in  an  ecstasy  of  joy  or  a  cyclone  of 
grief  according  to  the  sense  in  which  it 
is  returned  ;  you  write  a  poem,  and  your 
outlook  on  existence  depends  on  what 
the  editor  has  had  for  lunch. 

This  is  all  very  wrong ;  in  this  way 
you  condemn  yourself  for  life  to  be  the 


quences.  Then  clarion-like  rang  MIL-  and  heaves,  filling  you  with  a  rebellious  J  creature  of  circumstance.  Why  not 
NER'S  defiance.  He  said — well,  he —  |  nausea.  Then  why  not  make  it  wag  ?  ,  rise  superior  to  the  externals  of  your 
cr  —  ho  defied  the  conse- , —  —  lot  ?  Why  not  laugh  at 

your  misfortunes?  Why  not 
trump  the  tricks  of  Fate  ? 

How  can  one  do  all  this? 
By  cultivating  a  Sense  of 
Humour. 

How  can  one  cultivate 
a  Sense  of  Humour?  By 
taking  HUMOL. 

HUMOL  is  prepared  by  a 
secret  process  from  the  dis- 
tilled juices  of  a  certain 
plant  —  a  member  of  the 
Smilax  family  and  a  native 
of  Chihuahua.  It  is  made 
up  in  the  form  of  a  hair- 
wash,  and  on  be'ng  well 
rubbed  into  the  head  dis- 
plays at  once  its  rjmarkable 
properties.  It  may  also  be 
used  as  an  embrocation  for 
the  ribs,  to  which  it  affords 
a  pleasant  tickling  sensa- 
tion. Its  effect  is  amazing 
and  instantaneous.  Not 
only  does  it  render  the  mind 
susceptible  to  every  wave 
of  humorous  emotion  that 
passes  through  the  air,  but 
it  sets  similar  waves  in 
progress  from  the  seat  of 
its  own  action.  Thus  it 
entirely  alters  the  perspec- 
tive of  things.  The  so- 
called  worries  of  life  become 
a  source  of  exquisite  enter- 
tainment. You  smile  at 
the  importunities  of  the 
incoma  -  tax  collector  ;  you 
chuckle  at  the  advent  of 
spring-cleaning;  you  laugh 
aloud  when  your  partner 
revokes  ;  you  roar  with  full- 
bodied  (or  nearly  full-bodied) 


quences. 

To-day  they  have  come 
home  to  roost.  Whilst 
LEADER  OF  OPPOSITION  has 
brought  in  a  measure  dig- 
ging up  root  and  branch 
I  constitution  and  traditions 
of  House  of  Lords,  there 
will,  next  week,  be  presented 
for  their  Lordships'  friendly 
consideration  a  Bill  abso- 
lutely depriving  them  of  the 
Veto,  with  whose  assistance 
they  in  earlier  years  of 
deplorable  ascendency  cf 
a  Liberal  Government  on 
more  than  one  occasion 
saved  the  State  from  dis- 
aster. All  this  within  the 
space  of  two  years  directly 
following  on  throwing  out 
of  a  Bjdget  Bill  reinstated 
only  after  a  General  Elec- 
tion. 

"Cheer  up,  dear  lord," 
I  said  to  MILKER,  with 
warmth  of  friendship  dating 
back  to  period  before  he 
even  dreamt  of  coronets. 
"  You  acted  for  the  best 
according  to  your  lights, 
from  purest  patriotic  and 
party  motives.  You  must 
not  hold  yourself  too  ex- 
clusively responsible  for  the 
consequences." 

"  Oh,  d the  con- 
sequences," said  MILNEH, 
hurrying  off  without  waiting 
to  look  at  new  frescoes  in 
lobby  leading  to  Central 
Hall,  which,  though  a  little 
crude  in  colour  and  design, 
are  worthy  of  a  moment's  considera- 
tion. 

Bather  a  short 
friend  I  thought. 


THE  VERY  LATEST  ART  NOUV'EAU  DESIGN. 
LAXSDOWXE.  "New  lamps  for  old  !  New  lamps  for  old  !  " 
MORLEY  and  HALDANE.   "No,  thank  you;  quite  unnecessary, 
one  suits  in  exactly — for  the  present !  " 


The  oM 


way   with    an    old 
Perhaps  one  had 


better  more  closely  confine  his  atten- 
tion to  his  own  affairs. 

Business    done. — In    Committee    of 
Supply. 

From  a  story  in  Yes  or  No  : 

"It  was  all  over.     This  was  indeed  the  end. 

(To  be  continued. )  " 

It  is  sad  to  have  one's  new-born  hopss 
dashed  to  the  ground  like  this. 


You  look  incredulous ;  but  don't  stop 


reading. 
What 


is  your  main  object  in  life? 


Clear  your  mind  of  cant,  and  your 
answer  will  undoubtedly  be :  "To  get 
as  much  legitimate  enjoyment  out  of  it 
as  I  possibly  can."  But  how  do  you  go 
about  achieving  this  object?  Unless 
you  are  that  exceptional  creature  for 
whose  eye  these  lines  are  not  intended, 
you  allow  your  enjoyment  to  rest  upon 
the  varying  events  and  episodes  with 
which  you  are  confronted.  You  invest 
i  your  money,  and  are  elated  or  depressed  > 


mirth  at  your  own  sea-sickness. 

Why  waste  money  on  expensive  and 
conventional  "  amusements  "  ?  Why 
not  halve  your  expenditure  and  double 
your  life  ?  A  day  in  Brixton  is  funny 
enough  if  you  use  HUMOL. 

HUMOL  is  to  be  procured  everywhere 
and  is  put  up  in  three  strengths  at 
three  prices,  viz. : — Mild  (for  teething 


infants,  etc.),  2/6 ; 
use),  3/6 ;    Extra 


Medium  (for  general 
Strong   (for    Judges 


and  Music-hall  Comedians),  4/6. 
Buy  a  bottle  to-day,  and 
RUB  IT  IN. 


MAY  17,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


FIRST  IMPRESSIONS. 

No.  3.— A  SALE  AT  CHRISTIE'S. 

BY   A   NOBLE   LORD. 

THE  other  day,  a  friend  took  me  to 
A  picture  sale.  How  and  where  these 
functions  were  conducted  I  had  till  then 
no  notion.  That  pictures  changed  hands 
1  had  heard  ;  and  indeed  they  must  do 
so,  or  how  could  my  ancestors  have 
brought  together  the  superb  collections 
which  I  understand  I  possess?  Now, 
however,  that  I  have  witnessed  a  pic- 
ture sale  and  seen  what  can  be  done 
in  that  direction  I  shall  keep  a  much 
sharper  eye  on  the  course  of  events. 

Arrived  at  the  auction-room,  we 
found  a  large  number  of  men  gathered 
together,  either  seated  or  standing, 
bidding  for  the  pictures  that  were  dis- 
played, one  by  one,  in  turn,  by  the 
porters.  At  a  little  raised  desk,  called, 
I  am  told,  a  rostrum,  sat  the  auc- 
tioneer, and  below  him  were  his  clerks. 
Occasionally  smiling  gentlemen,  whom 
I  took  to  be  the  Christie  Minstrels, 
stood  there  too,  evidently  not  displeased 
at  the  figures  that  were  being  realised. 
For  it  was  what  is  called  an  important 
sale,  and  a  large  number  of  very 
valuable  pictures  were  being  sold, 
dealers  from  all  over  the  world  being 
present.  From  the  general  cast  of 
feature  I  should  say  that,  if  Mr.  ZANQ- 
WILL'S  scheme  of  returning  with  his 
people  to  Palestine  ever  became  prac- 
tical, he  could  not  do  bstter  than  make 
a  start  at  CHBISTIE'S  during  an  im- 
portant sale — that  is,  of  course,  pro- 
vided they  were  willing  to  go. 

I  noticed,  too,  that  although  the 
auctioneer  was  extremely  quick  in 
taking  bids  it  was  practically  impossible 
for  an  outsider  to  see  from  which  of 
the  company  it  proceeded — some  kind 
of  marconigraph  being  evidently  in  use. 
Buying  pictures  is  not  my  line,  so 
this  did  not  trouble  me ;  but  I  won- 
dered how  I  should  have  to  go  to  work 
to  get  my  bid  recorded  supposing 
that  kind  of  folly  ever  did  take  hold 
of  me. 

As  picture  after  picture  was  sold 
my  friend,  who  knows  the  ins  and  outs 
of  this  mystery,  groaned  more  and 
more  deeply.  "  What  is  it  ?  "  I  kept 
asking.  "  Only  that  that  German  fellow 
lias  got  that,"  he  would  say.  Or, 
"  Another  beauty  gone  to  a  Dutch- 
man." Or,  "That's  the  third  Van 
Dyck  that  the  Americans  have  se- 
uuml."  And  so  on — always  naming 
somo  foreign  purchaser.  "But  how 
is  it,"  I  said  at  last,  "  that  some  one 
representing  the  National  Gallery  is 
not  here  buying  for  England  ?  "  "  Be- 
cause they  haven't  any  money,"  he 
snapped  out.  "No  money?"  said  I. 


Jfenous  Performer  at  Country  Concert.   "  I  "AVEN'T — NEVER — SUNO  10  A  FYAKXER  BEVORE, 

BUT  I   DESSAY   WE'LL  GET  ON   ALL   EIGIIT  IF  YE  CAN  JUST  PLAY  THE  'iGH   NOTES  A  BIT  LOW." 


'  How  remarkable !  I  thought  Eng- 
.and  was  so  rich."  "  Not  rich  enough 
:o  compete  with  America,"  said  my 
friend.  "  They  '11  pay  anything  for 
pictures  nowadays.  '  They  're  sending 
up  values  to  a  ridiculous  height,  and 
ruining  all  the  old  standards.  But,  of 
course,  it  can't  last  long." 

This  set  me  thinking,  and  just  then 
a  Correggio  going  up  and  fetching, 
after  ten  minutes'  duel,  forty  thousand 
juineas  from  an  American  dealer  made 
me  think  more.  For  I  suddenly  re- 
membered that  somewhere  at  my  place 
n  the  country  there  is  a  picture  by  an 
xrtist  fellow  of  this  name,  which,  from 
vliat  I  could  recollect  of  it,  was  a 


great  deal  better  than  the  one  just 
sold.  I  therefore  sent  my  card  to  the 
American  dealer,  and  after  the  sale  he 
came  and  spoke  to  me.  It  is  very 
extraordinary,  but  I  found  that  he 
knew  every  picture  in  all  my  houses. 
For  example,  "  What  about  your  Ve- 
lasquez ?  "  he  said.  "  Have  I  got  a 
Velasquez  ?  "  I  replied ;  and  he  at  once 
told  me  all  about  it  and  offered  a  round 
sum  for  it. 

He  is  to  come  down  next  week  and 
make  offers  for  all  he  wants  ;  but  mean- 
while I  am — of  course,  unknown  to 
him — approaching  several  others  of  his 
countrymen  by  cable.  I  may  be  a  noble 
lord,  but  I  was  not  born  yesterday. 


) 


370 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  17,  1911. 


THE  SAO  CASE  OF  THE  FATHER 

OF  PELLE'AS. 

Foil  mo,  ho  is  far  the  most  intriguing 
figure  in  M.  MAKTKKLINCK'S  tragedy  of 
Petttut  and  Melisande.  There  he  was 
half  the  time  lying  ill  in  that  dour  castlo 
\vi'.h  its  dark  woods,  where  the  sky  was 
never  to  be  ssen  except  in  summer 
(that  was  funny,  too,  for  you  might 
have  thought  there  would  he  moreleaves 
to  hide  it  then),  and  people  went  on 
getting  paler  an:l  paler  and  letting  their 
hair  fall  out  of  windows,  and  throwing 
their  rings  into  wells,  and  telling  lies, 
and  crying,  and  complaining  that  it 
was  very  dark,  and  that  they  were  very 
unhappy  (not  about  him,  though),  and 
keeping  their  eyes  wide  open  (except 
when  they  were  fast  asleep),  and  saying 
they  were  going  away,  and  not  going, 
and  nobody  took  the  slightest  notice  of 
tho  poor  invalid. 

It  is  true  that  Pelleas  did  say  he  had 
been  to  see  him  ;  but  no  one  saw  him  go. 
Jt  is  tiU3,  too,  that  the  old  grandfather 
(but  not  before  the  Fourth  Act)  said 
that  the  whole  household  had  been 
doing  nothing  all  this  '-time  except 
"  chuchotant  antonr  d'.tme  chambre 
fenn&e"  where  the  patient  lay;  but  no 
onD  heard  their.wh'.spers.  And  we  were 
never  shown  his  room,  icside  or  outside. 
The  only  proof  we  have  (and  a  poor 
one  too)  that  his  illness  made  any 
difference  to  any  one  was  that,  when 
he  was  out  of  danger  ths  house  woke 
up  a  little  and  one  or  two  rather  sudden 
deaths  ensued  ;  but  I  think  this  must 
have  happened  anyhow,  for  people 
can't  .go  on  for  ever  being  very  un- 
happy in  the  dark  without  something 
coming  of  it.  And,  when  all  is  said,  we 
never  once  set  eyes  on  him — never  even 
had  the  poor  solace  of  seeing  his  name 
in  the  play-bill.  Truly  a  tragic  figure 
in  its  isolation ! 

As  for  M.  DEBUSSY'S  setting  of  the 
play  let  us,  in  imagination,  hear  what 
M.  MAETERLINCK  has  to  say  about  it. 

M.  MAETERLINCK  :  It  is  not  your 
fault.  No,  no,  little  DEBUSSY;  it  is 
not  your  fault.  My  Mdlisande  began 
weeping  when  she  was  one  minute  old. 
She  was  weeping  when  you  first  met 
her,  little  DEBUSSY.  I  do  not  know- 
why  she  was  weeping  Nobody  knows 
why  she  was  weeping.  She  had  just 
thrown  a  gold  crown  into  a  well.  But 
that  was  not  the  reason.  It  was  a 
haSit  with  her  to  throw  jewellery  into 
wells.  I  think  she  must  have  been 
very  unhappy.  Yes,  that  was  it ;  she 
was  very  unhappy.  And  so  your 
music  is  sad  and  sombre.  Your  music 
is  sad  and  sombre  from  the  very 
beginning,  little  DEBUSSY.  And  whan 
the  two  tragic  destinies  are  fulfilled  at 
the  end  you  have  nothing  new  to  say. 


You  have  said  everything  thirty-five 
scenes  ago,  and  have  been  saying  it 
ever  since.  They  \vero  beautiful  stones, 
but  they  began  a  long  time  ago.  There 
was  nothing  more  for  you  to  say. 

My  p'.ay  is  not  a  gay  play,  little 
DEBUSSY.  And  it  does  not  abound  in 
strong  and  vivid  contrasts.  And  that 
is  why  your  music  is  not  gay.  That  is 
why  your  music  does  not  abound  in 
strong  and  vivid  contrasts.  It  is  not 
your  fault,  little  DEBUSSY.  I  said  just 
now  it  was  not  your  fault. 

But  I  liked  your  music.  Oh,  yes,  I 
liked  it,  little  DEBUSSY.  I  liked  it  when 
you  frightened  me  in  the  scene  where 


LE  SHAMPOO. 

(M.  WAK.XEEY)  :  "Tu  entends  mes 
baiseis  le  long  de  tcs  clu,veux!  Us  monteut 
!e  long  de  tes  cheveux." 

Mtlisandt  (M.ME.  EDVIXA)  :  "Oh!  oil !  tu 
m'as  fait  mal." 

Golaud  kills  his  brother  from  behind- 
You  frightened  me  with  the  noise  that 
the  castle  doors  made  when  they  were 
being  bolted  for  the  night.  I  did  not 
know  that  bolts  could  make  so  terrifying 
a  noise. 

Madame  EDVINA  was  not  quite  my 
idea  of  Melisande.  Nobody  was  quite 
my  idea  of  anybody,  except,  parhaps, 
Signer  MABCOUX,  as  Arkel,  and  Mile. 
BOURGEOIS  as  GcneviAve.  They  just 
had  to  be  old,  and  they  did  that.  One 
would  think  that  M.  GHASNE  forgot 
who  Golaud  was.  He  forgot  that 
Golaud  was  still  young  enough  to  be  a 
sportsman  and  fall  in  love  at  sight  with 
a  pretty  girl  crying  in  a  wood.  He 
forgot  that ;  or  perhaps  I  forgot  it  for 
him.  Perhaps  it  was  my  fault  that 


Gola  nd  was  so  repellent.  One  would 
say  that  he  was  almost  like  a  kind  of 
Golaudvvog.  You  do  not  mind  my 
making  that  little  joke,  DEBUSSY?  I 
do  not  often  make  little  jokes.  I  do 
not  often  make  any  sort  of  joke. 

M.  WARNEHY  never  looked  a  bit  like 
my  Pellcas.  He  never  looked  as  if  he 
were  worried  about  the  obverse  of  his 
destiny.  He  might  have  been  almost 
anything  in  any  other  French  opera. 
And  his  wig !  Oh,  oh,  he  made  me  very 
unhappy. 

Do  you  know,  I  have  a  horrid  doubt 
in  my  inside?  Have  yon  ever  had  a 
horrid  doubt  in  your  inside,  little  DE- 
BUSSY ?  I  will  tell  you  what  my  doubt 
is.  I  am  beginning  to  wonder  if  French 
is,  after  all,  the  right  language  for  ro- 
mantic tragedy.  It  is  so  precise.  It 
says  things  so  dreadfully  clearly.  It  has 
no  atmosphere  of  suggestion,  especially 
when  it  is  sung.  Oh,  oh,  it  makes  me 
very  unhappy.  O.  S. 


THE    CALLER. 

Miss  Muse,  since  you  have  made  so 

free 

As  thus  to  risk  a  call  on  me 
Here  in  Throgmorton  Street,  E.G., 

The  grim,  the  glaring, 
How  is  it  that  you  come  to  ba 

So  rather  daring  ? 

You  "re  welcome  in  a  fitter  sphere — 
The  long,  white  road,  the  hills  of  dear, 
Great  woodlands  when  the  mellow  year 

To  Autumn  changes, 
Or  stretched  beside  some  shady  weir 

'Neath  Cumnor's  ranges — 

(Not  that  you  lack  an  urban  grace, 
I  love  you  when  you  bid  me  trace 
Youth's  springtide  in  a  girlish  face, 

A  Bond  Street  setting ; 
They   didn't    grow    such    nymphs   in 
Thrace, 

That 's  certain  betting !) — 

But  in  the  City — well,  there  's  this : 
Come  out  and  see  its  mysteries — 
The  jewelled  jobber  sleeked  with  fizz, 

And  stuffed  with  salmon  ; 
How  beautiful  a  broker  is, 

How  chaste  looks  Mammon  1 

So,  ere  you  join  the  other  Eight, 
Your  sisters,  at  the  Sun-god's  gate, 
You  11  leave  me  of  your  blossom-freight 

Some  songful  guerdon, 
To  mingle  with  the  market  rate 

A  brown  bee  burden  1 


Commercial  Candour. 

From  an  advt.  in  Public  Opinion  of  a 
Physical  Culture  school: — 

"The  Devils  of  Insomnia,  Nervous  De- 
pression, Indigestion,  and  a  dozen  others  of  the 
Infernal  Brotherhood  are  exercised  every  day." 


MAY  17,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


371 


WHAT  OUR  ARTIST'S   FRIENDS  HAVE  TO  PUT  UP  WITH. 

Extract  from  letter.  "  In  a  moment  of  foolish  generosity  I  undertook  to  pose  in  Jack's  studio  as  a  comic  Scot ;  and  in  the  middle  who 
should  his  silly  wife  bring  in  but  Violet  and  her  Mother  I  I  had  long  been  anxious  to  make  an  impression  on  Violet  and  now  I  've 
succeeded. " 


THE  INGRATITUDE   OF  EDWIN. 

[The  new  guides  are  busy  at  the  British  Museum.     Efforts  are  being 
made  to  discover  how  far  the  experiment  is  being  appreciated.] 

EDWIN,  on  many  a  showery  afternoon, 

When  Hampstead  Heath  was  much  too  damp  to  sit  on, 
With  Angelina  you  've  been  known  to  moon 

Through  wonder-halls,  the  pride  of  every  Briton, 
And  there,  among  the  world's  first  treasures  tarrying, 
Discourse  of  walnut  suites,  of  maisonettes,  and  marrying. 
The  kind  Authorities  it  much  distressed 

To  see  you  so  irrelevantly  wandering, 
Oblivious  both  of  script  and  palimpsest, 

And  other  things  o'er  which  the  wise  stand  pondering ; 
And  now  they  mean,  by  tactful  ministrations, 
To  fructify  your  ignorant  perambulations. 
A  grave  curator,  spectacled  and  bland, 

Shall,  for  the  future,  with  compassion  heed  yon. 
And  intervening  give  to  each  a  hand, 

And  gently  to  the  manuscript  room  lead  you, 
And,  sojourning  before  the  show-case,  start  a 
Profound  discourse,  let 's  say,  on  England's  Magna  Carta. 
Then,  resting  in  the  nook  which,  all  unseen, 

For  confidential  friendship  well  suffices, 
This  learned  person,  seated  in  between, 

Shall  talk  to  you  of  Ammun  Ra  and  Isis, 
While  still  the  smi!e  (you  never  could  abide  her) 
Upon  the  face  of  Pasht,  the  pussy*god,  grows  wider. 


Thus  spoke  I,  giving  Edwin  and  his  maid 
A  sketch  of  how  philanthropy  was  seeking 

To  render  to  his  ignorance  first  aid ; 

But,  credit  me  I  before  I  'd  finished  speaking 

(One  may  too  much  solicitude  by  half  show) 

They  'd  passed  away  into — a  Cinematograph  Show  ! 


The  growing  popularity  of  aeroplanes  is  having  a  startling 
effect  on  the  bicycle  trade.  "  Now  is  the  time,"  says  a 
Dundee  paper, "  to  buy  a  bicycle.  If  you  want  a  good  second- 
hand one,  advertise  for  it  in  the  '  Courier."  It  will  only 
cost  you  sixpence,  and  you  will  probably  get  a  wide  choice." 

"Broken  china  may  be  mended  by  brushing  the  edges  with  white 
lead,  such  as  painters  use  ;  press  the  pieces  together  aud  tie  them  in 
place,  then  leave  them  two  or  three  day*  until  thoroughly  dry.  Tue 
dish  can  be  broken  as  easily  anywhere  else  as  at  the  old  break." 

Transvaal  leader. 

Still  a  break  in  a  new  place  is  never  quite  so  satisfactory. 


"  Notice. — F.  B.  is  the  only  one  in  all  the  world  who  can  turn  straight 
hair  into  natural  waves  on  the  head  without  injuring  the  hair  or  scalp, 
and  will  last  for  ever,  from  2gs." — The  Queen, 

A  very  lonely  immortality  for  F.  B. 


"  Specimen  bush  plants,  eventually  to  be  3  feet  or  more  hi^h,  should 
have  different  treatment.  Stop  the  plants  at  6  inches,  and  continue 
to  do  so  until  the  desired  size  is  attained." — Tht  Garden. 

It  sounds  hopeless. 


372 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  17,  1911. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    SUPPLEMENT. 

V. — CITY  COMPANIES. 
THEHK  are  few  London  institutions 
more  interesting  to  strangers  than  our 
ancient  City  Companies,  and  few  about 
which  so  little  is  accurately  known. 
Since  the  metropolis  promises  to  be 
heavily  invaded  by  American  and  other 
foreigners  during  the  coming  summer, 
for  a  function  that  shall  not  bo  named, 
and  since  all  are  then  likely  to  ask 
questions  about  the  City  Companies, 
the  following  timely  account  has  been 
drawn  up  and  vouched  for  by  experts 
of  unimpeachable  veracity  : — 

IIlSTOBY. 

The  oldest  City  Company  is  probably 
that  of  the  Hide-bounders,  the  founda- 
tion of  which  is  attributed  to  JULIUS 
C.ESAR,  who,  during  his  stay  in  Britain, 
always  dined  with  them  on  the  Hides  of 
March.  The  Gum-boilers,  again,  date 
back  to  the  Roman  occupation,  the 
first  Prime  Warden  being  a  native  oi 
Tusculum  and  a  descendant  of  CUHIUS 
DENTATUS.  Tli3  Gin-slingers  came 
from  the  Balearic  Isles,  where  they 
own  extensive  plantations  of  juniper  to 
this  day;  and  the  Coal-scuttlers  are 
the  lineal  descendants  of  some  Barbary 
Corsairs,  who  were  captured  by  Cap- 
tain Coke. 

WEALTH. 

The  wealth  of  the  City  Companies  is 
a  byword.  So  vast  is  it  that  there  is 
the  greatest  difficulty  in  disposing  o! 
it.  The  ordinary  channels  of  charity 
are  often  congested,  and  the  Companies 
are  bound  in  self-defence  to  indulge 
freely  in  banquets,  at  which  not  only 
are  food  and  drink  consumed,  but  pre- 
sents are  distributed.  A  visitor  to  a 
City  Company  dinner  is  disappointed 
if  he  does  not  find  a  gold  cigar-case  or 
black  pearl  pin  under  his  plate,  while 
ladies  are  rarely  permitted  to  leave 
without  tiaras  or  sab'.es.  Many  a 
visitor  has  also  come  away  with  a 
diamond  pain  beneath  his  waistcoat 
the  food  being  not  less  rich  and 
generous  than  the  Company. 

THE  HALLS. 

The  City  Companies  pride  themselves 
exceedingly  upon  their  Halls,  whicl 
are  usually  buried  in  the  very  heart  o 
the  City,  so  that  it  is  advisable  for  any 
one  who  is  bidden  to  a  feast  to  allow  al 
least  an  hour  extra  for  losing  and  finding 
the  way.  Once  found,  however,  the 
Halls  turn  out  to  be  fine  examples  o 
medisDval  architecture,  and  hospitalitj 
reigns  in  every  one.  At  the  entrance 
door  a  yard  of  ale  is  proffered  to  every 
visitor,  and  he  is  expected  to  drink  it 
He  must  then  give  up  his  hat  and  coat 
receiving  in  exchange  a  ticket  of  pure 


gold,  which  he  is  asked  to  retain  as  a 
Souvenir.  On  being  presented  to  the 
Worshipful  Master  he  must  join  him 
n  a  second  yard  of  ale,  and  then  all  is 
•eady  for  dinner. 

TUKTLES. 

The  life-blood  of  a  City  Company,  it 
las  been  well  said,  is  turtle  soup  ;  and 
since  real  turtle  soup  can  bo  made  only 
'rom  the  real  turtle  it  follows  that  a 
;onsidorabl3  traffic  is  carried  on  in  this 
mwioldy  but  toothsome  creature.  The 
turtle  most  dear  to  the  City  Companies' 
jahito  is  the  green  turtle,  which  yields 
;he  succulent  calipash  and  calipee- 
calipash  being  the  green  fat  of  the  upper 
shell,  and  calipee  the  yellow  meat  of 
;he  lower.  Lumps  of  these  delicacies 
swim  about  in  the  soup  and  give  extra- 
ordinary contentment  to  the  consumer, 
whether  he  be  Worshipful  Master  or  a 
mere  literary  guest.  The  green  turtle 
comes  from  the  coast  of  South  America 
and  is  brought  here  alive  in  tanks.  Each 
City  Company  has  its  own  aquarium 
or  turtles  and  keeps  an  official  execu- 
tioner, who  has  a  feo  of  fifteen  shillings, 
dating  from  immemorial  times,  for 
very  one  killed — also  the  shells  as  per- 
quisites, from  which  the  more  ingenious 
ones  carve  combs  for  their  wives  and 
daughters  and  paper-knives  for  their 
sons.  In  1743,  it  is  told  that  one 
Simon  Fergus,  turtle-executioner  to  the 
Worshipful  Company  of  Eazor-strop- 
pers,  on  being  discovered  substituting 
mock  turtb  from  the  Caroline  Islands 
for  the  real  thing,  was  deprived  of  his 
office  and  set  in  the  pillory.  And 
quite  right  too. 

ETIQUETTE. 

The  City  Companies  are  sticklers  for 
routine.  No  one  may  seat  himself 
before  the  Worshipful  Masters  and 
none  may  eat  until  grace  has  been 
sung.  It  is  an  offence  to  refuse  any 
dish  or  to  leave  anything  on  the  plate ; 
but  since  few  of  the  dinners  contain 
more  than  eighteen  courses  this  is  no 
great  hardship.  Different  Companies 
have,  of  course,  different  customs. 
Thus  the  Honourable  Company  of 
Wire-walkers  restrict  their  courses  to 
fifteen,  and  invariably,  no  matter  what 
the  season,  have  calf's-  foot  jelly.  The 
calf's-foot,  being  cleft  and  therefore 
more  easily  retaining  a  hold  on  the 
precarious  wire,  is  their  emblem. 
The  Honourable  Company  of  Heel- 
tappers,  again,  make  it  a  practice  to 
drink  a  toast  with  their  Worshipful 
Master  between  each  course,  and  since 
their  courses  are  twenty  in  all  this  is 
no  small  feat  considering  that  heel- 
taps are  forbidden.  The  least  generous 
of  the  Companies  is  the  Worshipfu" 
Company  of  Flint-skinners,  whicl 


gives  its  guests  only  fourteen  courses, 
and,  whereas  the  other  Companies  serve 
,heir  food  on  platinum,  offers  only  a 
gold  service. 

HONORARY  MEMBERS. 

Every  City  Company  has  a  few  dis- 
inguished  honorary  members.  Thus, 
he  Worshipful  Company  of  Hair- 
splitters  has  lately  added  to  its  roll 
\lr.  BALFOUK  and  Mr.  HENRY  JAMES  ; 
lie  Spot-strokers  have  paid  a  similar 
ompliment  to  Mr,  GEORGE  GRAY  ; 
while  the  Worshipful  Company  of 
Wool-gatherers  have  enriched  their 
native  intellectual  strength  with  the 
addition  of  Mr.  JOSIAH  WEDGWOOD,  M. P. 

The  two  men  of  eminence  who  hold 
.he  greatest  number  of  honorary  mern- 
>erships  of  City  Companies  are  Mr. 
EUSTACE  MILES  and  Mr.  BERNARD 
SHAW. 

Thus  Mr.  SHAW  is  an  honorary  life 
member  of  the  Gas-baggers,  the  Horn- 
)lowers  and  the  Blotting  -  padders  ; 
while  Mr.  MILES  is  attached  in  a  similar 
apacity  to  the  Milk  -  blenders,  the 
Sponge-cake-walkers,  the  Egg-flippers, 
the  Nut-hatchers,  and  the  Floor-chasers. 


WHAT  THE  EYE  DOESN'T   SEE. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH,  —  While  Mr.' 
LLOYD  GEORGE  was  thinking  about 
State  Insurance  for  Every  Workman 
(except  you  and  me)  I,  in  my  larger  and 
broader  way,  was  maturing  a  scheme 
for  the  private  insurance  of  my  cook. 
Unfortunately  the  CHANCELLOR  got  out 
with  his  idea  first,  and,  to  show  that  I 
regard  him  in  no  bitter  spirit  on  that 
account,  I  will  admit  that  his  little 
enterprise  helped  in  its  way  to  bring 
my  greater  one  to  fruition.  "For," 
said  I  to  myself,  having  been  on  the 
point  of  effecting  this  insurance  ever 
since  the  notorious  Workmen's  Com- 
pensation Act  of  1906  came  into  force, 

now  that  we  have  to  insure,  let  us  do 
it  thoroughly." 

I  don't  suppose  that  the  CHANCELLOR 
pays  the  same  attention  to  our  schemes 
as  we  do  to  his.  The  Insurance  Com- 
pany, however,  at  once  evinced  the 
most  polite  interest  in  the  details  of 
the  affair  and  asked  some  very  pertinent 
questions  as  to  cook's  workmanship, 
On  a  common  proposal  form,  intended 
to  display  such  interest  in  the  work  of 
every  employee,  it  has  begged  me  to 
state  "  what  acids,  gases,  chemicals, 
and  explosives  are  used  in  the  course 
of  her  employment."  To  this  question 
I  think  you  will  agre3  that  the  only 
answer  which  can  do  justice  to  my 
cook's  cooking  is  : — "  I  am  sure  I  don't 
know,  and  can  only  say  that  they 
produce  a  most  agreeable  flavour." 

Your  trustful  EMPLOYER  OF  LABOUR. 


MAY  17,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


373 


THE    SMILE    THAT    COMES    OFF. 

A    JSUDAl'ESTH    THEATRE    MANAGER    HAS    ANNOUNCED    THAT    IX    FUTUKE    PAYMENT    WILL    NOT    BE    EXACTED    FIIOH    PLAYGOERS    TILL 
AFTER  Til K   PERFORMANCE  ;     AND  THAT  THOSE   WHO   HAVE   NOT   ENJOYED  THEMSELVES   NEED   NOT   PAY. 


THE  POSTSCEIPT. 

OPPOSITE  the  Norley  Arms  stood 
Norley  Station.  From  the  Norley  Arms 
issued  a  man,  with  a  small  handbag. 
He  was  destined  for  Norley  Station. 
Such  things  are  common  in  human 
experience. 

On  the  far  platform  of  this  wayside 
junction  was  a  porter,  having  the 
appearance  of  a  clout,  but  nevertheless 
competent  to  deal  with  most  intricate 
questions  regarding  the  local  service. 
Now  the  man  with  the  small  handbag 
had  previously  looked  up  for  himself  in 
a  time-table  the  time  of  his  train,  and 
had  ascertained  that  it  was  due  to 
arrive  and  depart  (either  or  both)  at 
6.31  P.M.  The  time  was  then  only 
6.25,  but  all  the  same  the  man  with 
the  small  handbag  mada  his  way  over 
the  level  crossing  to  the  porter  and 
there  put  a  question  to  him. 

"  Is  there  a  train  due  to  start  from 
here  at  6.31,  for  London,  to-night  ?  " 

That  question,  put  with  no  desire  or 
expectation  of  eliciting  new  information, 
was  quite  in  keeping  with  the  ordinary 
run  of  human  nature,  but  the  answer 
was  a  little  out  of  the  common. 


"  No,  Sir,"  said  the  porter,  merely. 

People  who  come  to  ask  questions 
generally  stay  to  argue.  Kesort  was 
ultimately  had  to  the  official  bills  of 
the  Company,  and  there  indeed  the 
6.31  train  was  clearly  indicated  (so 
that  the  man  with  the  small  handbag 
was  right),  but  rendered  suspicious 
by  an  asterisk  (so  that  the  porter  also 
was  shown  to  be  right).  Do  not  blame 
the  publishers  of  the  time-table  pre- 
viously referred  to,  for  the  fact  is  that 
the  asterisk  was  incorporated  there 
also  ;  but  men  with  small  handbags  do 
not  always  realize  the  importance  in 
life  of  asterisks.  This  asterisk,  upon 
being  properly  enquired  into,  demon- 
strated that  the  6.31  train  ran  on 
Saturdays  only.  Unhappily  to-day  was 
a  Friday. 

Further  argument  was  useless,  so  the 
man  returned  slowly  to  the  level 
crossing ;  but,  as  he  was  about  to  cross, 
his  eye  fell  upon  a  notice  which  had 
previously  escaped  him — 

BEWABE   OF   THE   TBAINS 1 

Smiling  sardonically — smiling  (I  say) 
sardonically — he  produced  a  piece  of 
white  chalk  from  the  small  handbag 


and  amplified  that  notice.  The  complete 
edition  then  ran  I—- 
BEWARE OF  THE  TRAINS  ! 
and  especially 
of  those 

MARKED   WITH   AN   ASTERISK. 


E    PLUEIBUS    UNA. 
[To  a  young  lady  named  Unity,  with  every 
prospect,  I  may  say,  of  getting  snubbed   for 

my  pains.  ] 

To  June's  red  rose's  petals  rare 
Their  lady's  cheek  some  bards  compare  ; 
Whatever  kind  of  rose  in  June  it  is, 
It 's  not  a  match  for  Mistress  Unity's. 

The  nightingale's  nocturnal  note 
To  some  suggests  their  lady's  throat ; 
Whatever  kind  of  noise  or  tune  it  is, 
It 's  not  a  patch  on  Mistress  Unity's. 

They  say  that  each  man's  heart  at  last 
Before  some  lady's  feet  is  cast ; 
I  do  not  care  a  fig  how  soon  it  is 
That  mine  is  laid  at  Mistress  Unity's. 

UNDULY  PESSIMISTIC. — We  notice  a 
firm  of  corset-makers  calling  themselves 
"  The  Universal  Bust  Co." 


374 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  17,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
UNDER    the   shadow  of   tho   great  An^khor   Wat 


(for 


What's  Wat  see  Appendix)  iu  the  time  of  the  Khmer 
Knipire  in  Kambodia  transpires  tho  rather  grisly  drama  to 
which  Sir  HUGH  CLIFFORD  has  given  tho  title  of  Tha 
Downfall  of  the  Gods  (MURRAY).  Employing  a  rhapsodic 
style,  slightly  reminiscent  at  times  of  some  of  Mrs. 
STEEL'S  works,  he  succeeds  very  well  in  producing  an 
atmosphere  of  Oriental  vastness  and  mystery  wherewith 
to  surround  his  story  of  the  love  of  a  young  Sudra  for  a 
Temple  dancing  girl,  a  love  which  overthrew  the  tyranny 
of  the  Bralnnans  and  inspired  a  new  religion  more  despotic 
and  more  short-lived  than  theirs.  There  were  moments, 
I  confess,  and  especially  when  the  hero  indulged  in  lengthy 
rhetorical  outbursts,  when  I  found  the  high-flown  language 
a  little  wearisome,  and  when,  remembering  tho  dedication 
in  which  the  author  has  stated  that  this  is  the  first  book 
he  has  written  (though  he  ssems  to  have  published  ten 
others)  I  felt  that  I  could  have  pardoned  some  occasional 


lapses  into  mere  unitalicised 
difficulty,  I  think,  in 
feeling  a  proper  senti- 
mental interest  in  a 
love-affair  so  far  re- 
moved iu  point  of  date 
and  geography;  but 
the  writer  shows  great 
imaginative  skill  in  the 
narrative,  and  his 
knowledge  of  his 
subject  gives  him  an 
undoubted  advantage 
over  many  tellers  of 
Eastern  tales.  He  has 
also  very  kindly  added 
a  round  dozen  of  ex- 
planatory notes  at  the 
end,  which  were  very 
useful  to  a  reader  who 
could  scarcely  have 


logograpby.      There   is   a 


PHRASES  THAT  HAVE  GONE  WROXG. 
"As  DRUXK  AS  A  LOUD." 


told  you  without  their  aid  what  the  Wat  was,  and  certainly 
not  the  date  at  which  it  was  constructed. 


To  a  somawhat  light-hearted  generation  of  nDvel  readers, 
preferring  laughter  to  abstruse  discussion,  Mr.  PUTNAM 
WEALE  has  dared  to  submit  a  story  touching  upon  the 
fundamental  principles  of  Eastern  philosophy  and  religion, 
and  taking  for  its  locus  in  quo  the  mission  field  of  China. 
Not  to  be  outdona  in  boldness,  Messrs.  MACMILLAN  have 
sent  The  Unknown  God  to  no  less  frivolous  a  person  than 
Mr.  Punch  for  review,  and  his  Learned  Clerk,  rising  to  the 
occasion,  declares  that  he  has  found  this  interlude  of  deeper 
thought  not  only  instructive  but  pleasantly  arresting.  An 
accident  in  the  early  youth  of  Paul  Hancock  leads  him  to 
search  for  truth  in  a  foreign  well,  to  become  involved  in  the 
petty  quarrels  of  different  sects,  to  play  a  leading  part  in 
a  violent  and  dramatic  uprising  of  a  primitive  people,  t.i^\ 
to  end  no  nearer  the  solution  of  the  mystery  of  life  than 
does  the  everyday  lover.  It  is  parhaps  regrettable  that  the 
villany  of  Mr.  Grey,  of  the  English  mission,  should  have 
been  entirely  unrelieved,  and  that  the  heroine  should  be 
burdened  with  the  name  of  Virginia  Baystvater,  but  it  is 
evidence  of  the  general  excellence  of  the  book  that  an  inter- 
ruption of  the  narrative  at  its  very  climax,  by  the  devotion 
of  a  whole  chapter  to  tho  position  of  the  Mohammedans 
in  China,  gives  no  offence  and  causes  no  yawn.  You  get 


instruction  and  entertainment  while  (literally)  you  wait. 
The  short  truth  is  that  the  writer  lectures  without  being 
dull  and  is  serious  without  being  solemn. 

The  chief  thing  I  have  to  say  about  Some  Happenings 
of  Glendalyne  (HUTCHINSON)  is  that,  if  they  are  in  any 
degree  typical  of  the  usual  sequence  of  events  in  picturesque 
Ireland,  1  protest  that  the  L.  &  N.W.  railway  shall  spread 
its  attractive  posters  in  vain,  so  far  as  I  am  concerned. 
But  of  course,  really,  it  is  all  Miss  DOROTHEA  CONYEBS' 
fun.  At  least,  this  is  the  only  way  in  which  I  can  account 
for  such  an  amazing  production  from  her  usually  well- 
graced  and  witty  pen.  My  perplexity  began  on  the  third 
page,  where  one  of  the  characters,  relating  tho  mysterious 
disappearance  of  the  boy-owner  of  Glendalyne,  obs-jrves 
that  thjy  never  found  Hugh's  body,  only  his  pet  rabbit  and 
his  hat  on  the  edge  of  the  cliff,  adding  carefully,  "  HurjlCs 
hat,  not  the  rabbit's."  In  the  next  chapter  I  found  a 
wickeJ  uncle  in  wrongful  enjoyment  of  the  estate ;  I 
found  b'oodhounds,  a  secret  passage,  and  a  madman 
walled  up  in  a  deserted  wing  of  the  mansion.  Later 
on,  it  turned  out  that  the  madman  was  really  poor  Hugh, 
who  had  been  kept  by  his  guardian  for  eight  weary  years, 

in  chains,  and  (O  my 
CLABKSON  !)  a  white  wig 
and  beard.  Towards 
the  end,  the  "  happen- 
ings "  became  such  a 
|  delirious  whirl  of  im- 
possible horrors  that  I 
was  obliged  to  abandon 
the  attempt  to  follow 
them.  But  I  want  to 
know  whether  this 
story  was  intended  to 
be  funny  or  not.  It 
undoubtedly  is,  in  the 
purple  passages  at 
least,  though  these 
were  not,  one  imagines, 
the  parts  intended  by 
Miss  CONYEHS  to  pro- 
duce that  effect;  or 


were  they  ?     It  is  all  very  perplexing. 

"  A  Callow  Chronicle  of  Frivolous  Affairs  "  is  the  sub- 
title which  Mr.  WARD  MUIR  gives  to  When  we  are  Rich 
(STANLEY  PAUL)  ;  but  this  does  not  prevent  the  best  chapter 
of  his  book  being  concerned  with  a  tragedy ;  and  I  am  inclined 
to  think  that,  although  he  has  tried  very  hard  to  write 
merely  a  funny  book,  his  guardian  angel  controlled  his  pen 
and  compelled  him  to  write  something  infinitely  more 
engaging.  To  be  young  is  to  be  rich — this  is  the  gospel 
which  he  preaches  ;  and,  although  he  has  not  disdained  to 
bring  to  his  aid  a  fat  woman,  a  practical  joker,  a  screeching 
parrot  and  a  giggling  landlady,  I  feel  that  lurking  beneath 
his  obvious  effort  to  provoke  smiles  is  a  real  understanding 
of  the  pathos  of  life.  I  would  not  say  that  Mr.  Mum's 
practical  joker  is  devoid  of  ingenuity,  but  all  the  same  his 
novel  wouldnot  escape  mediocrity  if  it  had  to  rely  solely  upon 
its  humour.  Those  who  wish  to  acquaint  themselves  with 
Bohemian  life  in  London  will  find,  from  When  we  arc  Rich, 
that  its  laughter  is  close  akin  to  tears,  and  if  they  are 
depressed  by  the  frequency  with  which  Mr.  Mum  foozles 
his  attempts  to  be  amusing  they  will  have  also  to  ac- 
knowledge that  he  makes  some  fine  recoveries. 


Eor  all  the  ills  of  nature,  occ.  or  chronic, 
Take  Printer's  Pie,  the  universal  tonic. 


MAY  24,  1911.] 


IM'NCII,   OK   TI1K   LONDON   CIIAIUVAUI. 


375 


CHARIVARIA. 

THK  KAHL  MARSHAL  has  issue:!  1111 
official  list  of  Standard  Boards  for  the 
\\Yslii.in-tiT  AMicy  procession.  SOUK 
disappointment  h.is  l>een  caused  in 
Carmolito  Hoisc  hy  tho  omission  of 
a  Standard  B.oad  Hearer. 

New  regulations  have  been  mtule 
concerning  tlie  wearing  of  foreign 
orders  hy  British  subjects.  Meanwhile; 
commercial  men  complain  bitterly  o! 
the  difficulty  of  obtaining  this  kind  of 
order. 

'-':'  '•'.'• 

An  airman  who  gave  an  exhibition  of 
flying  at  Canton  was  threatened  with 
murder  by  tho  superstitious  populace, 
and  his  aeroplane  was  hacked  to  pieces 
and  burned.  Tha  attitude  of  our  War 
Offic3  towards  aviation  compares  very 
favourably  with  this. 

The  Women's  Social  and  Politiaal 
Union  has  presented  a  cup  to  the 
three  months -old  son  of  tho  Lord 
Ma^  or  of  Duruy,  who  ascompanied 
his  parents  w'.ien  they  came  to  London 
on  the  occasion  of  tho  presentation  to 
the  House  of  Commons  of  a  petition 
in  favour  of  Women's  Suffrage.  The 
young  fellow's  age  is,  of  course,  con- 
siderably below  the  averag3  of  those 
who  are  in  favour  of  tho  proposed 
reform. 

*  * 

:|: 

Not  a  few  British  workmen  felt, 
when  the  outline  of  the  Insurance  Bill 
was  published,  that  "  there  must  be  a 
catch  in  it  somewhere."  It  now  turns 
out  that  they  were  right.  It  appears 
that  when  one  of  them  falls  out  of 
employment  a  Labour  Exchange  will 
try  iis  best  to  find  him  another  job 
before  he  gets  the  insurance  money. 

"Riot  at  a  London  Exhibition!" 
shouted  an  itinerant  vendor  of  news- 
papers. An  oU  gentleman  hurried  up 
and  bought  a  copy.  It  was  some  time 
before  he  found  the  item  of  news  re- 
ferred to,  and  he  was  very  angry  indeed 
when  he  came  across  it.  It  was  in  an 
advertisement: — 

"SUl'ERD    ILLUMINATIONS. 
KIOT    OF    COLOUR." 

*  * 

The  following  loiter  appears  in  Tlie 
express: — "Sir,  may  I  ask  if  any  of 
your  readers  could  give  me  any  in- 
formation, or  name  of  the  artist,  of  an 
unsigned  oil  painting  which  has  been 
in  my  family  for  more  than  fifty 
years  :  —  Size,  24  ins.  by  19£  ins.  ; 
subject,  moonlight  scene,  threa  men 
•wearing  red  caps  in  a  boat  on  a  river ; 
bridge  over  river,  and  an  old  church  or 
castle  in  the  background? — D."  The 


The  rirat-:  (icho  has  trUd  cccry  other  way  of  attract:>ig  Fare}.   "  COME  OX,  SIR,  NAn  FOR 
SALT  LAKE  CITY." 


sting  for  the  painter,  of  course,  is  in 
the  words  "church  or  castle." 

*  * 

The  following  conversation  is  alleged 
to  have  taken  place  at  the  office  of  a 
well-known  theatrical  booking  agent : — 

CrsioMER  — "  What's  on  at  the  Prince  of 
Wai.  a'  Theatre  now  f " 

<  'I.KHK — "  Better  not  enquire." 

C  STOMER— "Oh,  is  it  like  that,  eh  I  I'll 
have  two  stalls." 

V 

Notices  have  baen  placed  in  all 
Berlin  tramcars  requesting  women  to 
wear  guard  5  on  their  hat-pins.  In  spite 
of  this,  a  lady  who  stuck  one  of  her 
hat-pins  into  the  guard  of  a  tramcar 
was  held  not  to  have  complied  with 

the  requirement  of  the  notice. 

*  * 

"Pigs  that  pay"  is  the  title  of  a 
paragraph  in  a  contemporary.  These, 
surely,  may  be  seen  any  day  at  a 
fashionable  restaurant. 

*  * 
* 

The  choice  of  a  title  is  often  a  difficult 

matter, and  The  Obseiver,  in  chronicling 
the  fact  that  some  pick-pockets  who  had 
relieved  the  Mayor  of  Shoreditch  of 
his  watch  had  subsequently  returned  it 
to  his  worship,  was  not  quite  so  happy 
as  usual  when  it  headed  the  paragraph 

"  Honour  among  Thieves." 

*  * 

"  My  son  belongs  to  the  '  Wood- 
peckers,' "  complained  a  father  at  the 
Highgate  Police  Court.  "  They  pool 
their  earnings,  and  spend  the  week- 
ar.d  in  the  woods,  smoking,  sleeping 
and  playing  cards."  We  are  glad  to 
bo  informed  that  this  society  is  not  a 
junior  branch  of  another  called  "The 
Oakum-picker's." 


The  question  of  having  statues  in  our  i 
parks  is  being  well  discussed.  The 
latest  suggestion  is  that,  anyhow,  such 
memorials  should  be  restricted  to  British 
personages,  and  exception  has  been 
taken  to  the  statue  in  Hyde  Park  of 
that  foreign  notability,  Achilles. 

BUMPY. 
HE  is  lazy,  and  lies  on  the  mat ; 

He  owns  no  affectionate  habits ; 
He  would  never  look  twice  at  a  rafc, 
Or    be    roused   by  the  running  of 

rabbits. 
He  gives  me  no  answering  bark 

When     I     cheerily    "  Towzer  "    or 

"  Rover  "  him ; 

That  means,  when  the  passage  is  dark, 

That  a  fellow  is  apt  to  fall  over  him. 

When — as  often — he  gets  in  my  way, 

I  'm  afraid  I  accost  him  with  curses, 

Saying  things  that  a  bard  mustn't  say 

In  respectable  family  verses. 
Though  he  makes   no  reply   when   I 

speak 

This  omission  no  rudeness  confesses, 
For  his  voice  is  confined  to  a  squeak 
Which  proceeds  from  his  inner  re- 
cesses. 
And,  regarding  his  fear  of  a  rat, 

Well — it 's    scarcely    our    place    to 

upbraid  him, 

For  his  teeth  were  forgotten,  and  that 
Was  the  fault  of  the  German  who 

made  him  t 
And  there 's  this  to  be  said :  he  don't 

bite, 
Whatsoever  inducement  tl.ere   may 

be; 

And  to  us  what  he  docs  is  all  right, 
For  he 's  "  Bumpy,"  beloved  of  Baby !  , 


370 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  24.  1911. 


OF    FANCY    DRESSING. 

FOBCJIVK  me,  Thomas,  if  I  wore  last  night 

A  touch  of  hantenr  in  my  lifted  nose 
1    While  I  was  prancing  on  a  toe  once  light, 
Fantastic  once,  and  now  in  silken  hoso 
Recalling  memories  of  the  golden  time 
Of  our  resilient  prime. 

:    Forgive  me  if  I  looked  you  up  and  down 

As  one  who  rudely  questions,  "  What  is  this  ?  ' 
,    You  were  a  Pierrot  (were  you  not  ?),  or  clown  '.' 

Something,  at  any  rate,  that  went  amiss 
With'my  superb  costume  that  spoke  a  tasto 
How  exquisitely  chaste! 

I  was'a  bit  above  mjself,  I  own  ; 

I  felt  it  'due  to  my  historic  part 
To  take  the  mincing  supercilious  tone 

Which,  as  I  gathered  from  a  coloured  chart, 
Characterised  a  dandy  of  the  days 
Of  the  late  Louis  XIII. 

But  that  was  not  the  only  reason,  no  ! 

Some  shock  had  wrought  in  me  a  mental  change ; 
I,  with  my  manly  scorn  of  outward  show, 

Had  caught  an  itch  for  colours  rich  and  strange ; 
I  meant,  as  any  woman  might,  to  see 
How  beauteous  I  could  be. 

I,  who  had  never  sought  my  tailor's  lair 
Save  at  the  call  of  decency — I  passed 

A  solid  month  selecting  what  to  wear,   , 
AJortnight  trying  on,  and,  when  at  last 

The  thing  came  home,  thres  hours  or  thereabout 
Eigging  my  person  out. 

You  too.  my  Thomas,  though  you  walk  the  towti 
Clad  unobtru'siyely  in  something  dark, 

Yet  m  the  guise  of  Pierrot  (or  a  clown  ?) 
You  saw  yourself  as  matter  for  remark; 

Though  commonplace  enough  'twas  only  bought 
After  a  lot  of  thought. 

We  prate  at  large  of  women's  love  of  dress, 
Their  craving  after  gawds  and  fancy  gear, 

But,  had  we  half  the  chances  they  possess, 
Our  vanity  would  find  the  strain  severe ; 

We  should  do  nothing  all  the  time  but  play 
The  jaunty  popinjay. 


O. 


" wa<  fined  "is.  and  coits  for  travelling  in  a  third-c'.ass  carriage 

with  a  third-c'ass  ticket." — Lancashire  Daily  Post. 

First-class  ticket-holders  on  the  District  Railway  will  not 
be  surprised  to  hear  that  this  is  now  illegal.  The  feeling 
against  it  has  been  very  marked  for  years. 


"The  figure  fiends,  when  they  started  to  make  averages  as  the 
beginning  and  end  of  the  game,  little  knew  what  they  were  wroughting 
for  'Firjt  Class  '  cricket." — The  Observer. 
The  perfect  participle  at  last. 


"Haimonious  Comedians.  Introducing  tlieir  own  Version  of  Gold 
smith's  Celebrated  Song — 'Blow,  Blow  thou  Winter  Wind.'" — Ad\-t 
in  ''  The  Scotsman." 

And  apparently  their  own  version  of  the  authorship. 


"M-.  A.  V.  Hambro,  M.P.  (plush),  beat  Mr.  G.  Tahourdin,  Ties. 
Gallery  (14),  by  6  and  4." — Morning  Leader. 

Mr.  TAHOURDIN  (Harris  Tweeds)  doesn't  seem  to  have  struck 
quite  so  soft  a  thing  as  he  might  have  hoped  for. 


MY    AUNT'S    INSURANCE. 

MY  Aunt  Harriet  has  practically  decided — she  says 
'  practically,"  because,  as  she  adds  with  considerable  truth, 
nany  details  have  yet  to  be  settled,  and  you  can  never  be 
]iiito  sure  until  the  last  moment — she  has,  1  say,  practically 
lecided  to  insure  her  plate  and  jewelry  against  burglary. 
She  has  lived  in  her  present  house  for  more  than  twenty 
voars,  and  there  lias  never  been  even  the  remotest  suspicion 
of  a  burglary  in  the  whole  district,  but  that,  as  my  Aunt 
says,  only  makes  it  the  more  probable  that  there  will  be 
one  in  the  immediate  future.  Burglars,  she  observes, 
.ire  a  crafty  lot,  and  must  be  getting  ready  to  pounce  on  a 
;at  neighbourhood  hithertounattempted. 

My  Aunt's  first  step — she  took  it  on  my  suggestion — was 
:o  write  to  an  insurance  agent,  with  whom  she  has  since  had 
an  extensive  correspondence  of  a  highly  technical  character. 
The  effect  of  my  Aunt's  letters  on  the  agent  can  only  be 
faintly  surmised.  The  effect  of  his  upon  her  has  been  to 
plunge  her  into  a  vortex  of  confusion  and  despair.  As  one 
possibility  after  another  was  opened  up  to  her  mind,  she 
)egan  to  conceive  the  world  as  one  vast  and  infamous  con- 
spiracy designed  to  deprive  her  of  every  scrap  of  her  silver 
ind  to  unjewel  her,  if  I  may  say  so,  down  to  her  last 
amethyst.  Nor  has  her  gloom  been  at  all  mitigated  by  the 
revelation  of  a  long  list  of  substantial  companies  prepared 
:o  compensate  her  (on  terms)  for  every  imaginable  sort  of 
.oss.  She  has  begun  to  fear  that,  after  all,  there  may  never 
36  a  burglary  in  her  house,  "  and  then  what  good  will 
t  all  have  done  me  ?  I  shall  have  paid  immense  sums  for 
nothing.  Now  in  life  insurance  it  is  different.  You.must 
die  some  day,  you  know,  and  then  the  company  must  pay 
up,  and  you  can  have  the  satisfaction  of  leaving  the.money 
to  someone.  But  you  can't  count  on  burglars,  now  can 
you?  Though,  mind  you,  I'm  morally  certain  we  shall 
have  a  burglary  here,  and  that 's  why  I  want,  to  insure." 

"  Quite  right,  my  dear  Aunt,"  said  I ;  "  let 's  hear  what 
the  agent  says." 

"That 's  just  it,"  said  my  Aunt  morosely.  "  Here  is  the 
letter  in  which  he  says  he  will  give  me  a  list  of  some 
of  the  better  companies  taking  '  this  class  of  risk.'  What 
does  the  man  mean  by  '  risk '  ?  That 's  their  look-out,  not 
mine.  I  'm  not  going  to  pay  them  a  psnny  more  because 
they  choose  to  talk  of  it  as 'risk.'  There's  no  risk  in  it 
either  in  such  a  safe  neighbourhood  as  this.  I  was  very 
particular  to  tell  him  all  about  it,  and  then  he  writes  about 
risk.'  Pooh  !  Besides,  isn't  it  tlieir  business  ?  And 
business  people  oughtn't  to  talk  about  risk  to  a  business 
woman.  However,  I  sea  through  all  their  dodges,  and 
they  shan't  bamboozle  me."  I  smoothed  her  down  and 
we  procseded. 

"  Now  the  '  Irish  Orphans  Insurance  Society,'  "  said  my 
Aunt,  "  sounds  very  attractive.  It  is  a  touching  name, 
and  I  should  like  to  deal  with  them.  But  what  in 
heaven's  name  is  the  use  of  mentioning  it  to  me  ?  I  'm  not 
Irish  and  never  was — haven't  a  drop  of  Irish  blood  in  my 
veins,  and  never  gave  him  the  least  reason  to  suppose  I 
had ;  so  that 's  out  of  the  question.  Then  there  's  the 
'  Accountants'  and  Auditors'  Reliability.'  Respectable 
enough,  I  dare  say ;  but  how  can  a  woman  be  an  account- 
ant or  an  auditor  ?  At  any  rate,  I  know  I  'rn  not  one,  and 
it 's  a  mere  waste  of  ink  and  paper  to  write  about  it. 
'The  British  Accident  and  Burglary  Guarantee  Corpora- 
tion '  is  the  only  one  that 's  at  all  suitable." 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  what  do  they  offer?  " 

"They,"  said  my  Aunt,  "make  a  variety  of  offers,  but 
the  best  is  ten  per  cent.  Now  if  I  insure  for  £  2,000 — and 
the  jewels  alone  are  worth  that — I  shall  be  getting,  lot  me 
see — there  are  twenty  hundreds  in  two  thousand,  and  ten 


PUNCH,   OR  THF.   LONDON   CHABIYABI.— MAT  21,  1911. 


THE  IMPERIAL  DEFENCE  CLUB. 

BBITISH  LION.  "ONE  OF  THE   BEST  BATS  IN   MY  TEAM;    BUT  A  BIT  INCLINED  TO  PLAY 
HIS  OWN   GAME." 

[Mr.  KisiiKi:,  the  Labour  Premier  of  the  Australian  Commonwealth,  has  informed  the  Preai  that  his  mission  to  the  Imperial  Conference 
do:s  not  include  an  instruction  t  j  commit  his  (i:>veniment  to  a  share  in  any  general  scheme  of  Iniiwrial  Defence.] 


MAY  24,  11)11.] 


PUNCH,   OH   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


879 


Indignant  Stranger  (mistni-Mg  Vis. lor  for  the  /Ycy.teor).  "HEBE!  COMIMU  TiiuouoK  TOUR  GARDES  I'VE  BEES  STUHQ  u?  OSK  OF 

TOUK    CONFOUNDED    BEE«." 

V.iitor.  "Wmcii  ONE?    JUST  YOU  POIST  IT  OUT,  Sin,  AND  I'LL  DSAL  WITII  IT  IMMEDIATELY." 


twenties  are  two  hundred;  that's  £200  a  year,  which  is 
more  or  less  satisfactory.  But  then  he  goos  on  to  say  that 
that  will  be  £10,  and  so  he  confuses  me  again.  And  now 
that  I  look  at  it  once  more,  ha  says  ten  shillings  per  C3nt., 
only  he  's  written  the  '  s  '  very  small  after  the  10.  I  call 
that  mean." 

'•  Yes,  but,  Aunt,  that  's  what  you  've  got  to  pay,  not 
what  they  're  going  to  pay  you.  If  you  insure  '  at  any 
address  in  the  U.K.  with  transit  '  —  that  's  what  the  letter 
says  —  you  '11  have  to  pay  10s.  per  cent.,  and  on  £2,000  that 
comes  to  £10.  You  can't  expect  them  to  insure  your  plate 
and  jewels  and  pay  you  an  annuity  into  the  bargain." 
.  "No,"  said  my  Aunt,  "perhaps  not,  but  they  shouldn't 
have  led  me  to  suppose  they  would.  And  what  do  they 
mean  by  '  any  address  in  tho  U.K.  with  transit'?  Isn't 
jthis  address  good  enough  for  them  ?  Surely  they  might 
jknow  that  a  person  of  my  aga  an:l  responsibilities  doesn't 
i;o  gadding  about  the  United  Kingdom—  and  'with  transit,' 
Itoo.  Do  they  propose  to  pay  for  my  railway  tickets? 
'if  so,  why  not  say  so  in  clear  language  ?  And  this  is 
'supposed  to  be  a  business  nation  !  No  wonder  the 
;(  lormans  —  But  what  my  Aunt  said  about  the  Ger- 

is  not  evidence.     When  I  last  heard  from  her  she 


'was  still  engaged  in  discussing  debatable  points  with  the 


unfortunate  agent. 


An  admirer  of  Lord  BEACONSFIELD  writes  :"  I  see  in  the 
ipapers  that  Mr.  Balfour  said  after  his  flight  that  a  little 
more  would  have  made  him  dizzy.'1  "  The  little  more  and 
how  much  it  is!  " 

'English   lady  teacher   desrcs    .Tapanis;   ].up|  itis,    four  or   five   to 
''"mi  a  class." — Atlrt   in  "  A'oith  China  Daily  Keifs." 
Fortunately,  just   bsfore  the  hounds  began  to  arrive,  the 
important  word  was  corrected  to  "  pupils." 


A  HAUNTING  FACE. 

MY  physiognomy  has  never  struck  me  as  being  in  any 
way  commonplace.  Yet  it  is  extraordinary  what  like- 

|  nesses  are  seen  in  me  by  enthusiastic  acquaintances,  and 
even  friends.  There  are  few  people  among  those  it  has 
been  my  privilege  to  meet  in  life,  who  have  not  at  least 
one  close  relation,  cousin,  step-father,  or  what  not,  of  whom 
I  am  the  very  living  image.  Disinterested  persons  have 
also  traced  in  my  expression  characteristics  suggestive 
of  great  men  in  the  present  and  the  past,  e.g.,  Lords 
ROSEBEBY  and  HALDANE,  BONAPARTE,  and  M.  PELISSIER. 
Nobody,  curiously  enough,  has,  up  to  the  time  of  writing, 

;  recognised  any  of  my  features  in  CROMWELL'S  head.     But 

;  I  am  young  yet. 

Well,  the  climax  came  a  few  nights  ago.  I  met  a  really 
charming  woman,  who  in  due  course  put  to  me  the  now 
familiar  question  :  "  Who  is  it  that  you  remind  me  of  so 
much?"  I  promptly  tendered  her  a  catalogue  of  the 
celebrities  and  others  I  have  at  various  times  resembled — 
but  none  would  satisfy  her.  A  sudden  thought  made  me 
pause,  and,  in  my  turn,  I  regarded  her  with  a  searching 
look.  Yes,  the  face  was  undoubtedly  familiar.  I  felt 
a  conviction  that  I  had  sat  out  a  dance  with  that  face 
somewhere  in  my  historic  past.  As  I  gave  her  the  answer 
to  her  question  my  eyes  sparkled  with  an  affection  she 
must  have  considered  hard  to  explain.  Here,  at  last,  was 
one  who  had  seen  in  me  some  resemblance — a  passing 
fancy,  no  doubt,  but  still  some  resamblance — to  myself ! 


"Common  whiting,  mo:stened  with  water,  applied  immediately  and 
in  a  few  minutes  washed  off,  will  prevent  pain  and  swelling  from 
following  the  sting  of  a  bee  or  wasp." — Liccrpool  Dai  y  P<at. 

It  is  essential  that  the  whiting  should  have  its  tail  in  its 
mouth. 


380 


ITNCII,    OR   THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  24,  1911. 


THE    RACONTEUR. 


THERE  are  wild  parts  of  the  world,   minutes  to  do  it." 


1  such  a  hurry  as  all  that,"  I  murmured,  I      Laughing  uproariously,  Dixon  pro- 
1  for  it  has  taken  him  nearly  twenty  ceeded  with  the  narrative.     "  '  You  arc 


\Vliat  's  that?  "  asked  Dixon. 

"Nothing,  nothing,"  I  answered. 
"  I  was  only  just  repeating  it  to  myself 
to  be  sure  that  I  had  the  details  right. 
Well,  I  suppose  the  young  man  said 
he  was  sorry?  " 

"  No.  The  young  man  was  coming 
round  the  corner  don't  you  see?  Then 


ADVICE  TO  POPULAR  ACTEESSE8. 


I  am  led  to  understand,  where,  if  one 
man  treads  on  another  man's  toe,  a 
six-shooter  is  produced  and  the  offender 
shot  on  the  spot.  In  England  the 
punishment  is  subtler  but  no  less 
severe. 

I  trod  on  the  toe  of  Dixon,  a  business 
acquaintance,  coming  out  of  the  lift  at 

South  Kensington  Station,  but  it  is  he  ran  into  the  Yorkshireman,  and, 
only  fair  to  myself  to  say  that  I  should  Ix-ing  a  decent  sort  of  fellow,  stopped 
have  trodden  exactly  where  I  did,  even  '  and  apologised  and  asked  if  any  harm 
if  Dixon's  toe  had  not  been 
there. 

"  1  am  sorry,"  I  said. 

"  You  will  be  sorry,  you 
mean,"  lie  answered,  laughing. 
Dixon's  laugh  generally  por- 
tends the  worst  to  those  who 
know  his  idea  of  a  jest.  "  You 
will  be  sorry,  young  man,  for  1 
am  going  to  give  thee  a  clout 
across  the  face." 

I  observed  him  narrowly, 
and  he  explained. 

"  You  know  the  story  of  the 
Yorkshireman  in  London,  who 
said, '  You  will  be  sorry,  young 
man,  for  I  am  going  to  give 
thee  a  clout  across  the  face.' 
Have  I  never  told  it  you? " 

Unfortunately,  I  was  not  in 
a  position  truthfully  to  say 
that  he  had. 

"  The    Yorkshireman,"    he 
continued,  "  who  came  up  to  i 
London  to  see  the  final  of  the  j 
football    cup    at    the   Crystal ! 
Palace.     Or  was  lie  a  Lanca- 
shireman?   Let  me  see." 

I  had  trodden  on  his  toe  at 
5.15  P.M.  The  story  of  the 
"  clout  across  the  face"  had 
begun  at  5.16  P.M.  (approx.), 
and  from  5.17  to  5.25  P.M.  he 
was  still  seeing,  out  loud  ;  eight 
minutes  by  Greenwich  mean 
time,  but  a  long  period  of 
years  to  nay  way  of  thinking. 
At  5.30  P.M.  it  was  agreed  to 
assume  that  the  fellow  was  a 
Yorkist. 


sorry  V  '  said  the  Yorkshireman,  tower- 
ing above  him,  for  he  was  a  great  burly 
fellow.  '  You  will  be  sorry,  young 
man,  for  I  am  going  to  give  thee  a 
clout  across  the  face.'  " 

I  stopped  dead,  and  Dixon,  having 
gone  a  few  paces  ahead,  came  back  to 
ask  me  what  was  the  matter. 

"  Forgive  me,"  I  murmured  apolo- 
getically, "  but  your  last  remark  took 
me  a  little  by  surprise." 


,  MR. 


WllEN     YOU      HAVE      YOUR      PHOTOGRAPH      TAKEN      IN      "  YOUll 
FAVOURITE   MOTOR"   DON'T   WEAR  A   LARGE   HAT  AND  SIT  UP; 


BUT   PUT    ON    THE    SMALLEST    HAT    YOU 'VE    GOT    AND    SIT    ON    THE 
FLOOR  ;   IT  MAKES   THE  CAR  LOOK   MORE   IMPRESSIVE. 


"  Well,  whatever  he  was,"  pursued 
Dixon,  "  he  had  come  up  to  London 


p 
Jace. 


"P.. 

to  the 
Just  outside  Euston 


BAMBERGER'S 
CHEVELURE. 
REASSURING  REPORT. 
THE  sensational  rumours  to 
which  currency  has  been  given 
in  the  press  as  to  the  condition 
of  the  chevelure  of  Mr.  BAM- 
BEROER,    the   famous    pianist, 
have   naturally   caused    great 
anguish  to  his  countless  friends 
and   admirers   in  both   hemi- 
spheres. 

We  are  more  than  glad 
therefore  to  be  able  to  publish 
the  following  highly  reassur- 
ing pronunciamiento  issued  by 
Mr.  Drysham  Pugh,  the 
famous  capillary  specialist 
who  has  subjected  Mr.  BAM- 
BERGER  to  an  exhaustive  ex- 
amination. 

Mr.  Pugh  writes  as  follows  : 
"  I  found  that,  as  the  result 
of    the   continuous   nervous 
strain  involved  in  giving  fifty 
I  recitals  in  two  months,  there 
I  was    distinctive    evidence    of 
!  partial  thrombosis  of  the  meta- 
j  tarsal  follicles  of  the  occiput, 
!  complicated  by  a  slight  failure 
of  the  processes  of  pigmenta- 
tion.    I  at  once  prescribed  a 
course  of  radium  baths  followed 
by  the  application  of  a  lotion 
in  which  an  infusion  of  Euca- 
lyptus   gomphocephala  was    a 
prime   constituent,   with    the 
most  beneficial  results.    Upon 
examination  to-day   I   found  that  all 
traces  of  fluorescence  had  been  elimin- 
ated from  the  occiput,  while  the  follicles 


"  Yes,"  I  said  hastily,  observing  him 
pause,  "  one  can  come  from  Yorkshire 
as  well  as  from  Lancashire  to  Euston, 
if  one  really  wants  to.  Probably  your 
man  had  his  own  reasons  for  choosing 
the  more  circuitous  route." 

"  Anyhow,  whether  it  was  Euston  or 
King's  Cross,  he  was  just  outside  it, 
when  a  young  man,  hurrying  round  a 
corner,  ran  into  him." 

"  The  young  man  can't  have  been  in 


had  been  done.  But  the  other  was  not 
going  to  leave  it  at  that.  Drawing 
himself  up  to  his  full  height,  and  he 

was  a  great  big  navvy,  he  towered  had  resumed  Thefr"normlf  splen'dou^ 
over  the  unfortunate  young  man  who  thus  restoring  to  Mr.  BAMBERGER  his 
had  run  into  him  .  "  .  fuU  power  of  capiilary  attraction.  The 

'As  he  hurried  leisurely  round  his; rumour   that  he  would  be  obliged  to 

rnpr       I  rmr.  in  •        •  -i  -.. 


corner,    1  put  in. 

.  .  .  and  said, 
said.     No;  half  a  minute, 
got  it  quite  right." 


wear  a  wig   is  a  dastardly  falsehood 
'Young  man,'  he  which   can  only  be  attributed  to  the 
iinute.     I  haven't ,  malevolent    invention    of    some    dis- 
..-_.       ~.  appointed  rival." 

1  led  Dixon  into  a  side  street  and  got  |      Sir    POMPEY    BOLDERO,    Mr.    BAM- 


,1  ,,  ,        ,  _  *  *-  \su**.  XU  M.          J-J  VLIUCjKV,          JJU.J..          XJAiU" 

the  matter  put  in  order.  The  young ;  BEHGER'S  father-in-law,  is  celebrating 
man  had  said  it  appeared  on  cross- ;  this  auspicious  recovery  by  a  reception 
examination  that  he  was  sorry.  That ;  in  Belgrave  Square,  at  which  Mrs. 
point  cleared  up,  we  pressed  on  again. !  BAMBERGER  will  recite  "Balder  Dead." 


MAY  '24,  1911.1 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


381 


'An,  MV  HOY,  HEUE'.S  ONE  THING  AT  LEAST  THAT  BELOKCS  TO 
TIIK  DEAR  OLD  DAYS  OF  KXGLAND's  DIUX1TY.  THANK  IIEAVKN8 
THEY  CAN'T  SPOIL  THAT  1 " 


II. 

MY  II  AT  1..K 1" 


STUDIES    IN    THE   HIGHER 
JOURNALISM. 

[Mr.  James  Douglas  on  Himself.} 

"  Ho  fills  me  with  speechful  admira- 
tion— he  dazz'es  1113  with  superhuman 
radiance.  Eacli  day  I  know  him  more 
Mii'l  every  moment  I  know  him  less. 

He  does  not  m  3rely  write  ;  he  blazes 
a  cannonade  of  stinging  shrapnel.  He 
hurls  sma-hing  hyperbole  and  paradox, 
lie  maims,  tears,  and  riddles  you  with 
a  tornado  of  words.  He  mixes  metaphor 
with  Mephistophelian  subtlety ;  he 
mines  and  countermines  his  allusions 
with  dynamitic  devilry.  You  gasp  in 
the  swirl  of  his  ssntences  like  a 
drowning  cat  in  a  maelstrom.  You 
avo  buffeted  by  blinding  adjectives ;  you 
ding  to  a  s'. raw  of  commonplace;  you 
aie  flung  oft  by  a  surging  antithesis ; 
you  are  dashed  into  mewling  pulp  on  a 
dragon-toothed  epigram — you  sink  in  a 
vortex  of  verbs. 

But,  an  he  will,  he  can  woo  you  as 
gently  as  any  sucking  dove.  He  is 
sensuous  and  languorous  as  a  slice  of 
turtle  dreaming  in  a  silver  basin  of 


amber  and  saffron  soup.  He  croons 
like  a  rhinoceros  flushed  with  immortal 
desire.  He  drowses  you  with  viscid 
words  that  coil  on  your  senses  like 
golden  syrup  en  amorous  suet.  He  is 
more  hungry  for  love  than  a  broody 
hen  alone  on  an  iceberg.  He  cajoles 
like  a  sorceress  steeped  in  the  incense 
of  petrol.  He  swoons  like  a  mangold- 
wurzel  drugged  with  cinnamon  and 
myirh.  He  exhales  passion  in  gusts 
that  smite  you  as  the  passionate  draught 
smites  you  in  tube  station  passages. 

He  is  more  embyronic  than  the  yoke 
of  a  roc's  egg,  and  yet  more  final  than 
an  editor's  compliments.  He  is  more 
modern  than  the  aeroplane,  and  yet 
more  ancient  than  a  neolithic  golliwog. 
He  is  monk  or  benedict ;  as  ascetic  as 
a  charcoal  biscuit,  or  more  Dad  than 
Bagdad  itself. 

He  is  Westminster  Abbey,  the  Moulin 
Rouge,  the  top  of  the  Himalayas,  and 
the  bottom  of  a  quart  pot.  He  can 
make  an  epic  out  of  the  passing  of  a 
motor- bus.  He  squeazes  wina  or 
vitriol  out  of  sterile  banality.  He  takes 
Life  in  both  hands  and  bites  it  in  half. 


He  is  the  ROOSEVELT  of  Adjective- 
riders,  the  War  Lord  of  verbiage.  He 
strips  MEREDITH,  and  leaves  CARLYLE 
naked  and  shivering.  He  is  MILTON 
transcended,  and  GOETHE  and  SHAK- 
SPEARE  translated  in  heavenly  choirs  of 
words. 

He  is  too  modest  to  say  more." 

The  Journalistic  Touch. 
"The  next  day  Dr.  Griffin  was  hoin -win) 
Uoimt  nitli  nearly  a  thinisiti  1  snils  undT  hia 
medical  charge." — Wcittrn.  Vai  y  Mercury. 
Where  was  the  chaplain  ? 


"In  the  House  rf  Lirds,  yesterday,  Ihe 
N. K. B.  Bill  was  real  a  third  time." 

A-non;  the  Bi  's  ivad  a  third  time  in  the 
House  of  Lords  last  niglit  was  the  North- 
Kastern  Railway  Bill." 

This  appears  in  a  column  in  the  Illus- 
trated Chronicle  headed  "  Flotsam  and 
Jetsam."  Later  on,  to  remove  any 
lingering  doubt,  we  are  told : — 

"Amcm;  the  Bills  road  a  third  time  in  the 
House  of  Lords   last    night  was  tho   North- 
'  Eastern  Rirhvay  Bil'." 

'  It   certainly   seems   a   case  for  either 
i  flotsam  or  jetsam. 


382 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    C1IAKIVAK1. 


[MAY  24,  1911. 


THE   ADVENTURER. 

CHAPTER  I. 

JASPER  FOURTOES  gnawed  the  ends  of 
his  moustache  and  scowled  gloomily. 
The  Countess  whom  he  had  been 
blackmailing  for  the  last  three  years 
had  died  suddenly — as  luck  would  have 
it,  on  the  very  day  on  which  her 
monthly  instalment  was  clue.  There 
seemed  to  he  nothing  between  him  and 
beggary  but  honest  work.  Shrugging 
his  shoulders  slightly  he  picked  up  the 
daily  paper  and  ran  his  eyes  over  it 
cynically. 

Suddenly  he  started  back  with  a 
hoarse  cry  of  triumph.  Once  more  Fate 
had  stepped  in  at  the  psychological 
moment. 

"  BY-EUECTION  IN   NORTH    SOUTHSH1RE  " 

were  the  magic  words  which  had  caught 
his  eye.  Mr.  Samuel  Boodle  had  at 
last  been  appointed  to  the  post  in  the 
Civil  Service  for  which  his  subsizarship 
at  Downing  College  in  1873  had  long 
marked  him  out,  and  his  retirement 
from  the  House  "of  Commons  had 
brought  about  the  first  electoral  con- 
test since  the  establishment  of  Payment 
of  Members. 

"  Ha,"  said  Jasper  sardonically  to 
himself,  "  eet  is  well.  Ha,  oh,  ha !  "  He 
lit  an  expensive  cigarette  and  laughed 
coarsely.  "  My  luck  is  in,"  he  muttered. 
"Four  hundred  a  year,  Jasp,  you 
sinner,  be  dashed  to  you!  " 

Drawing  on  his  pumps  and  slipping 
into  his  fur-lined  coat,  he  left  the  room, 
and  with  long  panther-like  strides  made 
his  way  rapidly  to  the  station. 

CHAPTER  II. 

"  You  say  you  have  called  to  solicit 
my  vote,"  said  Mr.  Penny  waite 
plaintively,  "  but  you  won't  tell  me 
your  views.  Are  you  for  or  against 
Free  Trade?" 

"  Hist,"  said  Jasper,  putting  a  finger 
to  his  lips.  "  Are  we  alone  ?  " 

"Of  course  we  are,"  said  Mr. 
Penny  waite.  "  Can't  you  see  ?  " 

Jasper  rose  from  his  seat  and  stole 
to  the  door.  He  stood  there  silently 
for  a  moment,  his  fingers  grasping  the 
handle,  then  turned  it  suddenly  and 
flung  the  door  open.  The  hall  was 
empty. 

"  Don't  do  it,"  said  Mr.  Pennywaite 
testily.  "  What 's  the  matter  with  the 
man?" 

Jasper  returned  to  his  chair. 

"  I  had  feared  that  there  were  eaves- 
droppers," he  explained.  "  One  cannot 
be  too  careful.  Now  I  am  ready  to 
listen  to  you." 

"  I  asked  if  you  were  for  or  against 
Free  Trade.  I  don't  see  how  you  can 


expect  me  to  vote  for  you  without 
knowing  that." 

Jasper  lit  a  cigar  and  leant  forward 
impressively. 

"  Neither,"  he  said,  blowing  out  a 
cloud  of  smoke.  "  Or  perhaps  it  would 
be  more  accurate  to  say  '  Both.'  " 

"  \Yhat  on  earth  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"What  do  the  people  want?"  said 
Jasper  cynically.  "  You  know  this 
part  of  the  country  ;  I  don't.  Which 
goes  down  best?  Once  I  know  that, 
i  shall  preach  accordingly,  and  they 
will  vote  for  me." 

"  But,  my  dear  Sir,  you  seem  to  for- 
get that  there  is  an  official  Tariff 
Reformer  and  an  official  Free  Trader  in 
the  field  already.  Why  shouldn't  the 
electors  vote  for  them  ?  " 

"  I  had  forgotten  it,"  cried  Jasper, 
with  a  terrible  start.  "  I  had  read  so 
much  in  the  papers  about  adventurers 
snapping  up  seats  when  once  Members 
were  paid  that  I  began  to  think  that 
there  was  never  more  than  one  candi- 
date for  a  constituency.  It  is  a  fact 
that  there  are  these  two  other  men." 
He  scowled  and  lit  another  cigar. 
"Even  if  I  remove  them,"  he  added 
darkly,  "two  others  would  take  their 
places." 

"  The  point  is,"  said  Mr.  Pennywaite, 
"  have  you  anything  to  offer  that  they 
haven't?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Jasper  suddenly  and 
desperately.  "  This."  He  produced 
a  loaded  revolver  from  his  pockets 
and  pressed  it  to  the  temple  of 
the  other.  "  Now,  then,  I  want  a 
thousand  pounds.  I  have  just  re- 
membered that  I  had  forgotten  some- 
thing else.  I  had  quite  forgotten  that 
there  were  such  things  as  election 
expenses.  Hand  over  quickly — for, 
by  Heaven,  I  am  in  no  mood  for 
trifling." 

"  My  good  man,"  said  Mr.  Penny- 
waite, "  don't  be  so  silly.  I  haven't 
even  got  a  hundred  pounds." 

"  Then  you  must  borrow  it  for  me. 
The  interest  is  certain ;  I  shall  have  my 
four  hundred  a  year,  and  I  will  pay  you 
eighty  pounds  a  year  while  you  live. 
Quick,  I  am  desperate — your  promise, 
or  I  shoot ! " 

"  You  fool,"  said  Mr.  Pennywaite, 
"  you  've  forgotten  something  else. 
There  is  a  general  election  every  four 
years.  So,  even  if  they  keep  on 
electing  you,  which  is  extremely  un- 
likely once  they  know  the  sort  of  man 
you  are,  you  'd  want " 

But  Jasper  didn't  want  anything 
just  then.  He  had  swooned. 

CHAPTER  III. 

A  month  later,  in  London,  Jasper 
Fourtoes  was  gloomily  surveying  two 


sets  of  figures.     The  first  set  went  like 

this: — 

Sir  THOMAS  BILTON  (L.)  4,K:J7 
Capt.  PADDOCK  (U.)  4,695 
JASPER  FOURTOES  (Ind.)  3 


L.  majority  over  U.  142 

1;.  majority  over  Ind.      4,834 
L.  majority  over  all  parties  139 

A~o  change. 

The  second  set  of  figures  went  like 
this:— 


Debit. 

£  s.  d. 
To  sundry 
expenses  834  611 
To  damage 
by  eggs 
and  simi- 
lar argu- 
ments      15  15    0 


Credit. 

To  cash  value  of 
enhanced  pros- 
pects of  suc- 
cess at  next 
Election  due  to 
fact  of  having 
stood  before, 
say  -  -  -  9</. 


Total    850  1  11 

Jasper  studied  these  figures  long 
and  earnestly  as  he  gloomily  chewed 
his  moustache.  Then  he  shrugged  his 
shoulders  and  lit  a  cigar. 

"  The  adventurer's  life  is  not  what  it 
was,"  he  said  with  a  sigh.  "  Sometimes 
I  think  that  even  on  the  Stock  Exchange 
there  is  more  doing."  A.  A.  M. 


THE     LITTLE     HEN. 
A  WAYSIEE  SKETCH. 

NEVER  will  there  be  a  more  sudden 
or  inexplicable  accident.      At  the  one  |' 
second  I  was  booming  at  a  reasonable  | 
pace  down  a  naked  white  road  which  I1 
ran  straight  and  utterly  empty  of  traffic  |' 
for  the  whole  of  a  mile.      At  the  next  |; 
second  the  brakes  had  torn  the  bloom  ,; 
off  forty  pounds'  worth  of  tyres.      A 
man  had  appeared  in  the  middle  of  (he  \ 
road  literally  from  nowhere,  holding  up  '•'.. 
a  horror-stricken  hand  which  appeared  i 
to  contain  bread,  and  pointing  with  the  i 
other  to  an  unexpected  hen  that   lay 
dead  in  the  dust  ten  yards  behind. 

He  was   wearing  striped  socks  and 
carried  his  boots  in  the  other   hand.  , 
On  reflection,  I  see  that  my  momentary 
fancy  that   the   person   was   lunching 
upon   bread   and   boots  was   a  wrong  i 
and  ill-considered  fancy. 

He  wore  a  black  straw  hat  which 
was  turning  iron-grey ;  a  cricket  blazer 
striped  in  three  colours,  that  had  been 
chocolate,  yellow  and  red,  but  from 
which  quite  half  the  stiipes  had 
vanished;  corduroy  trousers  that  had 
once  been  green  and  somehow  made 
you  think  of  railway  stations ;  and  a 
beard  grown  in  two  colours,  blood- 
orange  and  dun,  with  a  touch  of 
lemon  at  the  edges.  He  looked  at  me 
through  wooden- framed  spectacles. 


MAY   '24,   1911.1 


PUNCif,    OR   THE   LONDON    CIIAIMVAKI. 


383 


He  said,  "  Pardon  me,  Sir — my  little 
In  11  is  doad."  He  raised  his  hat — the 
brim  of  ifc.  I  had  not  noticed  until 
then  that  tlio  crown  was  kept  on  In- 
elastic pa  sing  under  his  chin.  "Per- 
mit me  to  examine  the  little  hen,  Sir." 

J  le  bent  over  the  body  for  a  moment, 
spoke  to  it  without  getting  a  reply. 
tried  to  bribe  it  to  wake  with  a  pitv 
of  bread,  and,  finding  this  inspire* i 
effort  at  resuscitation  unsuccessful, 
furtively  wiped  away  a  tear,  and  came 
back  to  me. 

Then  he  raised  his  brim  again. 

"  The  little  hen  is  dead,"  he  said,  and 
sobbed  slightly.  Then  he  closed  both 
his  eyes  and  pressed  his  hands  over  bis 
face,  having  put  his  bread  into  his 
pocket  from  which  it  fell  into  the  road 
— through  a  hole  like  the  hole  of  the 
bottomless  pit.  He  picked  it  up,  lightly 
brushed  the  dust  from  it  with  his  sleeve, 
and  held  it  in  his  hand  during  the 
remainder  of  the  interview. 

"  My  little  companion  !  "  he  said. 
He  had  an  educated  voice.  "  I  used  to 
build  it  a  little  roost  at  my  feet  every 
night,'1  he  added  sadly. 

I  felt  horribly  ashamed,  and  thought 
of  the  prisoner  who  tamed  a  spider. 

His  beard  trembled. 

"  She  was  all  I  had,  Sir  ...  that 
hen — that  little  stolen  fowl  .  .  .  Stolen, 
Sir.  I  stole  her  from  a  farm  in  Kent. 
Tli'is  is  my  punishment.  For  fourteen 
hundred  miles  we  have  been  compan- 
ions in  adversity — walking  the  same 
roads,  sharing  the  same  shelter  of  the 
hedge  in  storm,  the  same  crust  in 
hunger,  the  same  rivulets  in  thirst." 

He  looked  thoughtfully  at  the  bread 
in  his  hand. 

"  Sir,  this  means  starvation  to  me. 
I  bartered  an  egg  for  half  a  loaf  yester- 
day ....  half  a  loaf  and  a  handful  of 
corn.  But  now  .  .  .  there  will  be  no 
more  eggs."  His  lips  moved  silently. 
Then  he  spoke  again. 

"  It  would  be  unfair  to  expect  you  to 
realise  quite  all  that  little  bird  meant 
to  me,  Sir  .  .  .  unfair  and  an  admission 
of  gross  vanity.  And  yet  .  .  .  every 
man,  I  suppose,  possesses  his  little  hen, 
something  to  love,  to  protect,  to  indulge. 
Weak,  illogical,  wayward,  perhaps  .  .  . 
but  with  its  charm.  .  .  . 

"  That  little  hen  once  saved  my  life. 
And  once  I  saved  hers.  You  will  sea 
there  were  ties  above  the  ordinary." 

He  lifted  one  foot,  and  I  saw  that  he 
did  not  wear  soles  on  his  socks. 

"  I  will  journey  on — into  the  infi- 
nite ....  alone,"  he  said,  in  little 
more  than  a  whisper,  and  at  the  same 
time  slipped  on  a  boot. 

"Alone  ....  penniless." 

He  lifted  the  greater  part  of  the  fowl 
and  kissed  it. 

"  Forgive  this  display  of  feeling,"  he 


Gouiy  AXD  GRIMLY  HUMOROUS  OLD  GENTLEMAN  WIRES  TO  HIS  DOCTOR. 


Doctor's  Wife  (reading  telegram). 

COME   OVER  THIS   EVEXIXG." 


'IF  YOU   ARE   INTERESTED   IN  A  PREiTY  FOOT  AXD  AXKIX 


muttered .  ' '  Pardonable  —  perh  aps — 
Frenchmen.  But  we  English.  ..." 

He  slipped  on  the  other  boot.  The 
majority  of  the  hen  dangled  from  his 
hand  as  he  stared  across  the  distant 
downs  into  the  sunset. 

"  How  lonely  are  the  uplands !  "  he 
said  suddenly. 

I  fumbled. 

"  If  a  half-sovereign — — • "  I  began, 
and  hesitated. 

Tears  sprang  to  his  eyes,  blurring 
the  spectacles. 

"  What  can  I  say  or  do  ?  I  am  poor," 
he  cried,  "  and  a  coward.  I  dare  not 
refuse." 

He  stood  for  a  second  in  an  attitude 
of  deep  dejection.  I  pressed  the 
money  into  his  hand. 

Then  suddenly  his  face  lighted  up. 

"  She  is  all  I  have  in  the  world,"  he 


said  bravely,  "  and  I  will  commit  her 
into  your  hands.1' 

He  stepped  forward  and  laid  the  hen 
tenderly  on  the  floor  of  the  car.  Then, 
nodding  blindly,  he  stood  clear  of  the 
car  to  watch  me  go.  He  removed  his 
brim  and  remained  standing,  desolate 
and  downcast,  until  I  was  out  of  sight. 

It  was  a  queer  little  incident — touch- 
ing in  its  way.  I  showed  my  wife  the 
little  hen  that  night. 

"  You  'd  better  let  John  bury  it,"  she 
said.  " Itisasadlittlestory — if youhave 
a  bad  cold  in  the  head,  /haven't.  This 
hen  has  been  dead  at  least  a  fortnight." 


"The  Oanleigh  School  XT.  put  up  a  reccr.l 
last  year  with  14  runs  out  of  16  games.'1 — Tht 
Observer. 

The  competition  for  the  average  bat 
must  have  been  very  keen. 


334 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  24,  1911. 


: 

-  /-.-:  v- 


Void  from  the  tee.  "WHY  DON'T  YOU  GO  AND  HELP  YOUR  OITOKEXT  FIND  HIS  BALL?  ' 
Man  in  the  way.  "On,  HIS  BALL'S  ALL  RIGHT;    IT'S  HERE.     HE'S  LOOKING  FOR  HIS  DKIVER!" 

BOND    STBEET. 

Why  so,  I  hardly  can  say, 

B.W.  LEADER,  E.A.    "  What  is  his  Other 

LAVENDER  fresh  are  your  looks, 
Bond  Street,  in  May-time  ; 
London  that  's  laid  down  her  books, 
London  in  playtime  ; 
Sunlit  eleven  o'clock, 

Saving  'tis  that 
Dolly  is  up  for  the  day, 
Getting  a  hat  ! 

.Eye  Doing  ?"— 
profile  study  of 
a   Horse-dealer. 
The  Hon.  JOHN        Study  in  Still  Life 
COLLIER         -  Brazil    Nuts 

Jack,  ay,  and  Jill, 

NOVELTIES  AT  THE  ACADEMY. 

and   a   Doulton 

-\T 

Furbelow,  feather  and  frock, 
Fashion  and  frill  ! 

No,  I  am  not  speaking  of  the  present 
Exhibition,  but  the  next.      And  even 

Vase. 
HERBERT  SCHMALZ    Silver  Birches. 
YEEND  KING              Lions  at  Bay. 

Lilac  'd  and  lawned  go  your  girls, 

then  I  don't  hope  for  anything  really 

BRITON  BIVIERE,       Eventide  in  Eotten 

So  many  Graces, 

new.     But  if  only  some  of  our  artists, 

E.A.        Eow. 

Soft  as  the  dawn,  or  the  pearls 
Caught  in  their  laces  ; 
Lo,  it  was  Celia  laughed 
Silver  afar  ; 

for  a  change,  would  borrow  the  motives 
and  ideals  of  other  artists  !    I  can't  help 
thinking  this  would  freshen  things  up 
a  bit.     For  instance:  — 

FRANK  CRAIG.            "  Every  Nice  Girl 
Loves  a  Sailor." 
Sir   W.    P.   EICH-    Sailing    Ships    on 
MONO,  E.A.                  theEoundPond. 

Here  breathed  a  violet  waft, 

Artist.                     Subject. 

MARCUS  STONE,         Portrait    of  His 

There  a  cigar  ! 

W.L.WYLLIE.B.A.    Her    First   Socks. 

E.A.        Worship    the 

Men  who  are  feted  and  fed, 

Sir  LUKE  FILDES,    Night    Hymn    at 

Mayor  of  High 

Folk  who  've  come  croppers, 
Men  who  fill  Tons  with  lead, 

.E.A.                           Sea. 
Sir  HUBERT  HER-    Diana    surprised 

Marketown,     in 

his     Mayoral 

Surbiton  shoppers; 
Thus  does  the  whirligig  go 
Blithe  as  a  bell  ; 

KOMER,  B.A.                by  the  Elders. 
GEORGE      HENRY,    Susanna  surprised 
A.  E.A.                        by  the  Actaeons. 

Chain  and  Bobes. 

Sir  ALFRED  EAST,    Coster  Girls  Danc- 
A.E.A.                        ing. 

Soothly  it  seems  that  your  show 

H.  S.  TUKE,  A.E.  A.    Portrait  of  the  Ed- 

GEORGE  CLAUSEN,    Bringing  Daddy's 

Euns  rather  well. 

itorof  TheTailor 

E.A.                            Slippers. 

Yet  on  this  Monday  you  've  more  — 
How  shall  I  term  it  ?  — 
Eclat  than  ever  before, 

V           -r       /JP             .  , 

and    Cutter    in 
full  dress. 
C.  SIMS,  A.E.A.         Buckingham    Pal- 
ace (painted  from 

J.  S.  SARGENT,  E.A.    Southend  -  on  -Sea  : 
study  of  high  tea 
with  shrimps. 
A.  S.  COPE,  E.A.       Vision  of  Sera- 

Yes, 1  amrm  it  ; 

a  photograph). 

phim. 

PUNCH.   OB  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAY  24,  1911. 


lii         n,t         vK 

S    il    (I 


WANTED! 


SMART  YOUNG  MEW 

FOR 

PARLIAMENT 

No  PARTICULAR 

QUALIFICATION  IEQUIKD 

LIVIK.. 

'    YEAR. 

THE  STATE.) 


THE   NEW   PROFESSION. 


BACKWOODS  PEEK.  "WELL,  IF  LANSDOWNE   KICKS  ME  OUT  I  KNOW  WHERE   TO  PUT   IN 
FOR  A  PAYIN'  JOB." 


M\v  '24,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   OHAIMVAIM. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(ExTftAflKl)  KKO.M  THE  DlAKY  OF  TollY,   M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,   Manila //,    .V«.'/ 
15th.—"  I    am    sure,"   said   FITZALAN 
lion*:,  rising  to  move  rejection 
of     Parliament    Hill,    "that    I 
shall  have  the  sympathy  of  the 
whole  House —  -". 

Assurance  not  falsified. 
Only,  feeling  of  sympathy  so 
acute  that  Members  felt  con- 
strained to  go  forth  and  express 
it  in  fuller  space  of  Lobby 
or  in  fresher  air  of  Terrace. 
Amid  bustle  of  departing 
throng  the  special  ground  of 
effective  appeal  not  made  clear. 
Select  few  who  remained  heard 
HOPE  tell  a  flattering  tale  of 
bis  preference  for  "  the  newest, 
ciudest,  rawest  American 
Western  State  Senate,  with  a 
row  of  spittoons  along  the  floor  " 
— he  was  a  little  particular 
about  the  spittoons — "  rather 
than  the  House  of  Lords  subject 
to  this  Veto  Bill." 

It  was  the  last  night  of  long, 
occasionally  stubborn,  fight 
round  a  Measure  denounced 
by  Opposition  as  an  iniquitous 
attack  on  a  sainted  Constitu- 
tion. Looking  round  the  scene 
one  wouldn't  have  thought  it. 


Nor   did   the    PREMIER    or    PUNCH 

AKTMIIR  succeed  in  lifting  the  J  louse 
out  of  the  doldrums.  They,  too,  openly 
shared  the  general  condition  of  boredom 
with  the  long- drawn  -  out  discussion. 


Benches  filled  up  when  PREMIER, 
PRINCE  ARTHUR,  and  WINSTON  were 
on  their  legs,  but  for  the  rest  remained 
half  empty,  their  occupants  altogether 
listless.  Members  eager  only  for  the 
division  that  would  put  an  end  to 
wearisome  marching  and  counter- 
marching varied  by  tedious  talk. 

F.  E.  SMITH,  favoured  with  what 
looked  like  great  opportunity,  was 
selected  to  lead  this  last  attack.  Cer- 
tainly had  full  audience.  Somehow  his 
blunderbuss  missed  fire.  He  might 
have  been  leading  a  minuet  instead  of 
a  forlorn  hope  against  an  impregnable 
position.  Too  evident  that  no  fiery 
furnace  of  righteous  indignation  glowed 
behind  his  immaculate  shirt-front.  No 
light  of  battle  glared  in  his  pensive 
eye.  At  intervals  he  furtively  waved 
flag  of  truce.  Occasionally  he  made 
curious  gesture  as  if  restraining  dis- 
position to  obey  the  command,  "  Hands 
up,"  before  it  was  uttered  by  the 
overbearing  foe. 

SARK  has  a  story  of  a  shipmate  on 
a  sea  voyage  who  woke  him  every 
morning  by  giving  orders  from  an 
adjoining  berth  for  his  bath.  Con- 
cerned for  its  temperature  he  never 
omitted  to  say,  "Not  'ot  or  else  cold." 
Such  was  the  precise  temperature  of 
F.  E.'s  speech.  To  put  it  more  briefly, 
it  was  tepid. 


genially,  if  vaguely,  described  as 
"thrice-boiled  cole  wort "  in  the  form 
of  reiterated  argument  against  or  for 
the  Bill. 

Only  WINSTON  soared  above  pre- 
vailing dulness.  His  contri- 
bution to  debate  through  long 
succession  of  sittings  probably 
exceeded  that  of  any  other 
Member.  Turned  up  now  as 
fresh  and  vigorous  as  if  he 
were  making  his  first  plunge 
into  the  salt  estranging  sea 
of  controversy.  Incidentally  lie 
got  in  one  of  the  neatest  retorts 
evoked  in  recent  years  in  Par- 
liamentary arena.  On  his  remark- 
ing that  under  the  Parliament 
Bill"  the  power  of  the  Lords  will 
not  merely  be  effective  but  for- 
midable, even  menacing,"  a 
Voice  from  benches  opposite 
contributed  to  argument  the 
monosyllable  "  Eot !  " 

"  An  Honourable  Member 
says '  Rot,'  "  remarked  WINSTON 
with  increasing  winsomeness. 
"  Doubtless  it  represents  what 
is  in  his  mind." 

At  eleven  o'clock  House  filled 
up  like  Severn  at  coming  of  Bore. 

"HOPE  DEFERRED"  (TO  ANOTHER  OCCASION").        A  throng  peopled  the  Bar.    Side 
"Members    felt  constraiued    to  go  forth"   (Mr.    FITZALAX    galleries  were  filled.     Glad  con- 
Hor-E— the  other    persona   portrayed  being  wholly  i  i. aginary    sciousness  shone  on  every  face 
from  motives  of  delicacy.)  ft(.  certainty  that,  as  the  patron 


Both  spoke  with  more  than  customary  in  the  circus  gallery  commanded,  we 


brevity ;   each 
by     excusing 
icund     once 


commenced  his  speech 
himself  from  serving 
more  what  CAHLYLE 


"He   nrg'it  lave  been 
instead  of  a  forlorn  hope." 

(Mr.   F.  E.  SMITH.) 


a   minuet 


had  "  cut  the  cackle  and  come  to  the 
"osses."  Amid  growing  excitement  two 
divisions  followed  in  swift  succession. 
By  the  first  F.  E.  SMITH'S  amendment 
rejecting  the  Bill  was  negatived  by 
majority  of  six  score.  That  seemed 
utmost  that  might  bs  expected.  Dividing 
on  the  main  question,  "that  the  Bill 
l>e  read  third  time,"  ELIBANK  went  one 
better,  bringing  the  majority  up  to  121 . 

A  storm  of  cheering  rose  from  Minis- 
terial camp,  whilst  Mr.  TUBVEYDROP 
SWIFT  MACNEILL  gave  timely  lesson  in 
deportment  by  rising  and,  with  hat 
held  at  proper  angle  in  right  hand, 
bowing  ceremoniously  to  vanquished 
host  above  Gangway. 

Business  done.  —  Parliament  Bill 
triumphantly  carried  over  last  stage. 

Tuesday. — In  briefest  Budget  Speech 
of  modern  times  LLOYD  GEORGE  ex- 
pounds financial  Scheme  for  the  year. 
Figures  stupendous.  Enough  to  take 
away  a  man's  breath,  not  to  mention 
the  money  in  his  trouser  pocket.  Total 
income  £181,716,000;  total  expenditure 
£181,284,000 ;  result,  as  Mr.  Micatcbcr 
said  when  doing  an  analogous  sum, 
happiness. 

Item  of  additional  expenditure.quarter 
of  a  million  for  payment  of  Members. 
Hereafter,  if  CHANCELLOR'S  scheme  goes 
through,  M.P.'s  will  be  passing  rich 


388 


P.UNCII, 


OR 


THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  24,  1911. 


on  £400  a  year.    But  will  it  ?    Certainly  ; 
not  if  opposition,  by  no  means  confined  \ 
to  one  side  of  House,  be  skilfully  and  [ 
resolutely  led.     Men  who  have  closest  | 
at  heart  veneration  and   affection  for; 
Mother    of    Parliaments    see   in   this 
proposal  inevitable  degradation.     The 
voluble  Carpet  Bagger,  hitherto  partly  , 
restrained    in    search    of    a    seat    by ; 
knowledge    that    if    he    succeeds    he ' 
must  neads   meet  lodging  and   other 
domestic  expenses  out  ol  his  own  pocket, 
will  find  difficulties  vanish   at  magic 
touch  of  State  payment.     He  and  his 
kind  will  shoulder  off  the  premises  the 
class  of  men,  by  no  means  universally 
rich,    who,   honoured    and    bestowing 
honour,  have  raised  House  of  Commons 
to  its  present  stainless  pinnacle. 

Of  course,  if  PREMIER  makes  proposal 
a  question  of  confidence,  a  majority  will 
be  forthcoming,  however  reluctantly,  to 
support  it.  But  it  is  essentially  a  case 
in  which  private  judgment  of  Members 
should  be  untrammelled  by  considera- 
tions of  Party  fealty.  PRINCE  ARTHUR, 
as  leading  Composite  Opposition,  should 
insist  on  Government  Whips  taking  no 
official  part  in  the  decisive  division. 

Business  done. — Budget  brought  in. 

House  of  Lords,  Wednesday. — Third 
night  of  debate,  even  more  dolorous 
than  greater  part  of  that  in  Commons 
on  Parliament  Bill,  on  what  Marquis  of 
LANSDOWNE  calls  the  House  of  Lords' 
Recons'titution  Bill.  Looking  down 
from  Strangers'  Gallery,  catching  here 
and  there  a  sentence  from  dispirited 
speeches  forlornly  uttered,  the  visitor 
might  well  suppose  the  House  had 
come  to  bury  .Csosar  not  to  reconsti- 
tute him. 

Everyone,  not  least  clearly  the  author 
of  the  Bill,  knows  it  is  a  not  altogether 
harmless  delusion.  On  its  forehead  was 
written  at  birth  the  fatal  words  "  Too  J 
late."  Had  it  been  introduced  a  couple  j 
of  years  ago,  it  might  have  served  as 
j  basis  of  settlement  between  two  political 
parties  of  long  vexed  question.  In 
1909  the  Peers  preferred  to  devote 
their  available  time  to  throwing  out 
the  Budget.  That  accomplished,  what 
followed  was  as  inevitable  as  it  is 
irrevocable. 

LANSDOWNE'S  crown  of  sorrow  is  that,  j 
having  devoted   long   labour,  skilfully 
overcome  much  opposition  privily  de- 
monstrated, his  endeavour  to  save  the 
situation  does  not  call  forth  anything 
like  enthusiasm  on  his  own  side.     On 
the   contrary  there   have  been    forth- 
coming during  progress  of  debate  rarely 
preeedented   signs    of    revolt    agains't 
authority  of  Unionist  Leader.  Eegarded  I 
as  a  national  custom  practised  by  others  j 
something  may  be  said  in  favour  of  the 
custom  of  hara-kiri.       But  when  the 
i  sword    is  placed  in  your  hand  and  it 


is  your  own  carcass  that  is  to  be  cut 
up  the  point  of  view  is  changed. 

Business  done. — Eeconstitution  Bill 
talked  round  and  about. 

House  of  Commons,  Thursday.  — 
L  raise!  a  nice  and  difficult 
question.  Arose  upon  appointment  of 
additional  commissioners  under  Small 
Holdings  Act  and  particulars  of  the 
Areas  allotted  them. 

"  Will  each  commissioner,"  he  asked, 
"be  obliged  to  reside  in  his  area?  " 

Familiar  fact  that  in  well- ordered 
domestic  establishments,  the  area  (per- 
taining to  the  kitchen)  is  the  domain 
of  the  Cook,  open  to  occasional  visits 
from  the  perambulatory  policeman. 


DOES  MR.  Mo  RELI,  "RESIDE 

IN  HIS  OWN  AREA"?! 

Cook.  "Lawks,  Matildi  !  !  If  'ere  ain't 
the  mister  a-lin  an' settled 'itself  down  in  the 
airey  !  !  !  " 

To  have  an  additional  commissioner  in 
permanent  residence  there  would  lead 
to  unpleasantness  on  both  sides. 

Business  done  —  Eeport  stage  of 
Army  and  Navy  Votes. 

MUSIC. 
(In  the  manner  oj '"  The  Morning  Post.") 

LOHENGRIN  AT  COVENT  GARDEN. 
WAGNER'S  Lohengrin  was  performed 
last  night — needless  to  say  not  for  the 
first  time ;  but  it  is  only  just  to  remark 
that  in  this  case  familiarity  with  the 
work  was  not  allowed  to  engender  any 
negligence  in  the  representation,  and 
at  every  turn  indications  were  not 
lacking  of  conscientious  preparation. 


Special  interest  attached  to  the  per- 
formance in  that  on  this  oscasion 
M.  Paprika,  the  eminent  Bulgarian  bari- 
tone, made  his  London  debut  in  the  rdla 
of  Telramund.  As  the  unfortunate 
Brabantian  nobleman  M.  Paprika 
created  on  the  whole  a  highly  favour- 
able impression,  and  ho  undoubtedly 
enhanced  the  efficacy  of  his  interpre- 
tation by  his  judicious  sartorial  equip- 
ment, which  evinced  a  regard  for  detail 
not  always  observable  in  lyric  artists. 
Thus  the  sinister  attributes  of  the  part 
were  cleverly  indicated  by  the  choice  of 
a  steeple-crowned  beaver  hat,  a  purple 
toga  and  a  Roman  sword,  the  whole 
being'set  off  by  a  pair  of  weirdly  sug- 
gestive red  sandals.  M.  Paprika's 
voice  is  of  sonorous  quality  and  his 
enunciation  is  commendably  articulate. 
Altogether  this  estimable  artist  must 
be  reckoned  a  decided  acquisition  to 
the  company.  The  Elsa  of  Madame 
Joska  PipitoSf  is  too  well  known  to 
demand  a  meticulous  survey  of  its 
many  excellences,  vocal  and  histri- 
onic. Suffice  it  to  observe  that  she 
acquitted  herself  in  a  manner  which 
fully  justified  the  plaudits  bestowed  on 
her  efforts  by  the  influantial  audience 
who  witnessed  her  meritorious  rendi- 
tion. Tha  same  remarks,  when  the 
appropriate  modifications  involved  in 
the  discrepancy  between  the  roles  have 
been  made,  can  be  fittingly  applied  to 
the  Lohengrin  of  the  cast,  M.  Ingo 
Brobiloff,  the  capable  Lithuanian 
tenor,  whose  engagement  by  the  opera 
syndicate  has  been  signally  vindicated 
on  so  many  occasions  by  his  industrious 
co-operation.  The  part  of  the  King 
was  safe  in  the  vocal  cords  of  Signer 
Annibale  Tarabuso,  and  an  efficient 
Herald  was  forthcoming  in  Mr.  Maiio 
Carkeek,  a  California!!  singer  of  ap- 
proved talent  and  urbane  deportment. 
Commendation  is  also  due  to  the  oper- 
atic taxidermist  responsible  for  the 
appearance  of  the  swan,  whose  gestures 
were  permeated  with  an  instinct  for 
refined  gentility.  The  performance 
was  conducted  by  Signer  Bartolommeo 
Bolcione,  whose  artistic  ideals  and 
temperament  were  manifested  at  every 
point  in  the  choice  of  tone  values,  the 
manipulation  of  his  baton,  and  the 
vitality  which  he  contrived  to  impart 
to  the  conceptions  of  the  meritorious 
and  distinguished  composer  with  the 
execution  of  whoso  elegant  score  he 
was  entrusted. 

"  In  the  Hou=c  cf  Lirds  this  evening  Mr. 
Asquith  said  .ho  vas  satisfied  that  in  the 
interests  of  this  country  it  was  d  s'ralilc  we 
should  have  a  propsrly  constituted  Second 
Cham',  er." — Manchester  Evening  A'cws. 

A  coward  would  have  been  satisfied  to 
say  it  in  the  House  of  Commons. 


MAY  24,   1<H1.| 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Undergraduate.  "HAVE  A  CIGARETTE,  OLD  MAN? 

Pint  Bored  Umlr.rgnu3.uale. 


Secontl  Bored  IJiideryrti'.luate.   "No,  THANKS." 
SLACKER ! " 


NOT  when  I  listen  to  the  lively  prattle 

Of  her,  my  charming  neighbour  on  the  right, 

Wond'ring  meanwhile  if  this  response  or  that  '11 
Bore  her  the  less  (I  am  not  very  bright, 

Not  when  I  feed  ; 
One  thing  well  done  best  fits  the  island  breed) 


TO    THE    FOOD    OF    THE    GODS. 

But  rather,  when  the  waves  of  witticism, 
The  floods  of  repartee,  have  left  me  lone, 

Enisled  amid  the  surges,  when  the  lissome 
Fair  that  I  lugged  to  table,  having  shown 

Signs  of  fatigue, 
Has  turned  to  form  elsewhere  some  faint  intrigue, 


Nor  yet  when  with  a  face  that 's  far  too  fervent 
I  do  say  something,  talking  through  my  hat 

(No,  not  my  hat ;  I  left  this  with  a  servant, 
But  talking  hopeless  piffle,  call  it  that), 

Not  then,  not  thus, 
Come  to  my  plate,  thou  rare  asparagus ! 

Nor  later,  when  I  woo  the  lovely  creature 

Sitting  upon  my  left,  a  larger  care — 
How  shall  I  tackle  her?  What  current  feature 

Of  ait,  of  politics,  shall  melt  this  fair 
Statue  in  pink? 

One  hurried  almond  first,  one  hasty  drink, 

Then  to  the  charge  (we  might  try  state  insurance) — 
But  not,  as  I  've  observed,  at  times  like  these, 

When  I  am  bound  so  fast  in  siren-durance, 
Most  fair  of  herbs,  most  beautiful  of  trees 

That  garden  ground 
Gives  to  the  dinner-board,  be  handed  round  ! 


And  she,  the  still  more  fair,  but  slightly  serious, 
The  unessayed  as  yet,  has  not  been  loosed 

From  adoration  by  a  swain  imperious — 
'Twixt  Scylla  and  Charybdis  as  I  roost — 

Then,  in  that  calm, 
Come  to  my  aching  lips,  thou  buttered  balm. 

Then  I  can  do  thee  justice,  thou  immortal 

And  juicy  seedling ;  I  can  lightly  run 
Thy  hanging  heads  into  the  proper  portal, 
Holing  them  almost  every  time  in  one. 

Therefore  I  say, 

Be  served  while  no  young  women  glance  my  way. 

EVOE. 


"Yonder  (11—9)   (Mr.  Brassey  up)  fell  when  bc.iten   20   Jgthg  at 
Aldershot  l>y  Yonder  (9 — 11)  (2  ran)." — Evening  Tim  s. 

It  is  only  on  the  rare  occasions  when  the  whole  field  con- 
sists of  Yonders  that  the  plunger  is  absolutely  safe. 


390 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  24,  1911. 


PASTURES    NEW. 

THERE  are  times  when  I  tiro  of 
adding  up  figures,  or  weighing  out  tea, 
or  whatever  you  like  to  suppose  my 
present  occupation  to  be ;  and  then  1 
It-earn  dreams,  in  which  I  imag\ne 
myself  translated  to  a  higher  and  mere 
songenial  sphere  of  activity.  Now  I 
nm  a  popular  Actor-Manager,  now  a 
Prime  Minister,  and  in  even  more 
reckless  moments  editor  of  2'/;e 
Observer.'  But  sooner  or  later,  having 


finished    dreaming,    I 

reality,      and     glance 

Situations   Vacant " 


turn    to    solid 


through 
column   of 


the 
my 


I   thought   I   had 
(as  the    biographers 


daily  paper  to  discover  what  I  actually 
might  be  if  I  wasn't  what  I  am. 

•found  myself" 
say)    the    other 

morning  when  the  following  advertise- 
ment caught  my  eye : — 

"  Electric  Jib  Crane  Driver  wanted. 
Must  be  experienced  and  willing  to 
make  himself  generally  useful.  Apply 
Box  2,357,  General  Post  Office." 

The  possibilities  inherent  in  such  a 
situation  so  fired  my  imagination  that 
I  determined  to  lose  no  time  in  apply- 
ing for  it,  and  sat  down  at  once  to 
write  the  necessary  letter.  The  be- 
ginning caused  me  the  n.ost  trouble. 
I  wondered,  did  one  address  a 
or  "  Dear  Box 
little  familiar ; 


How, 

Box?     "Dear  Box," 

2,357,"    sounded    a 


Road." 
It    was, 


"  Dear  Sir  or  Madam  as  the  Box  may 
hold  "seemed  too  impersonal;  and  the 
task  of  writing  more  than  two  lines  in 
the  third  person  is  one  from  which  I 
have  always  shrunk.  In  the  end  I  de- 
cided to  risk  the  assumption  that  the 
occupant  of  the  Box  was  a  man,  and 
wrote  as  follows  : — 

"  DEAR  SIB, — Seeing  that  you  re- 
quire an  experienced  chauffeur  for  your 
electric  jib  crane,  I  beg  to  offer  my 
services.  I  am  thoroughly  acclimatised  for  one.  With 
to  electric  jib  cranes  of  almost  every 
make — Daimler,  Eemington,  Heidsieck, 
and  so  on.  For  the  past  year  I  have 
been  driving  Mr.  ASQUITH  about  in  a 
single-house-power  Viteau,  without  a 
brake,  but  fitted  with  a  patent  anti- 
suffragetter.  The  latter,  however,  was 
recently  put  out  of  action  by  a  bomb, 
and  since  then  I  have  resigned  the 
post.  I  should  be  quite  willing  to 
make  myself  generally  useful  about  the 
house  and  grounds,  and  could  take  a 
hand  at  Bridge  in  cases  of  emergency. 
Salary  is  not  so  much  an  object  with 
me  as  a  comfortable,  Christian  home. 
— Yours,  etc." 

I  waited  several  days  for  a  reply, 
but  strangely  enough  none  was  forth- 
coming. Little  rebuffs  like  that,  how- 
ever, were  not  going  to  deter  me,  so  I 
tried  in  another  direction.  This  time 
nothing  on  the  list  caught  my  fancy 


till  1  came  to  the  V's,  when  I  lighted 
upon  this  : — - 

"  Varnish  -  Maker.  Man  used  to 
gum-running.  State  wages,  with  full 
particulars,  to  the  Stikkey  Business 
Development  Co.,  High  Street,  Ber- 
mcndsey." 
To  which  I  replied  : — 

•DEAR  SIRS — Varnish  has  always 
exwoised  a  great  fascination  over  me, 
and,  although  I  have  no  first-hand 
acquaintance  with  its  manufacture,  I 
have  often  stood  for  hours  wa'.cliing 
the  decoration  of  a  shop-front  with 
the  substance  in  whose  development 
your  firm  has  played  so  conspicuous  a 
part.  When  they  come  to  putting  in 
the  wriggly  lines,  nothing  could  ever 
induce  me  to  move  on.  As  for  the 
special  qualifications  you  demand  in 
your  advertisement,  I  may  mention 
that  I  did  a  good  deal  of  gum-running 
in  the  South  African  War,  which,  as 
you  may  remember,  was  brought  to  a 
successful  conclusion.  I  am  a  constant 
speaker  at  our  local  Deba'ing  Society, 
can  play  easy  accompaniments,  and 
should  require  a  commencing  salary  of 
£500  (five  hundred  pounds)  a  year. — 
Yours,  etc." 

When  nothing  came  of  this  either, 
I  left  the  "  Situations  Vacant  "  column 
pretty  severely  alone  for  some  consider- 
able time.  The  other  day,  however,  I 
happened  to  look  through  it  again,  and 
my  apathy  comple'ely  vanished  when 
I  found  the  following: — 

"  Smart  Young  Gentleman  wanted, 
to  learn  duties  as  assistant  manager 
for  theatrical  business.  Wear  evening 
dress.  Premium  required.  Apply 
Hy.  Knutt,  763A,  Charing  Cross 


to-morrow  evening  ?  We  could  then 
fix  up  things  over  a  bottle  of  the  best. 
[  may  tell  you  that  I  p  eked  your 
application  out  of  several  hundred  I 
have  received  for  the  post,,  for  which 
you  seem  to  have  exactly  the  right 
qualities.  Wire  me  what  lime  to 
meet  you,  and  if  you  bring  your 
cheque-book  the  business  can  all  be 
finished  with  on  the  spot. — Yours, 
Hy.  KNUTT." 

But  I  'm  not  wiring  him.     I  can't 
stand  the  food  at  the  Rococo. 


I    need    hardly    say,   the 


evening  dress  that  did  it.  Who  could 
resist  such  an  inducement  ?  Not  I, 
almost  feverish  haste 
I  wrote  to  Mr.  Knutt,  adapting  the 
tone  of  my  letter  to  the  character  of 
the  profession  I  had  always  longed  to 
enter. 

'  MY  DEAR  HY.,"  I  said, — "  I  was  no 
end  bucked  at  seeing  your  little  advert, 
in  to-day's  rag.  It 's  the  very  thing 
I  've  be3n  looking  for.  I  'm  just 
dying  to  be  an  assistant  theatrical 
manager,  and  help  the  governor  stroll 
round  the  house  every  evening  and 
chat  with  the  pretty  programme-girls 
and  swear  at  the  plain  ones.  And 
evening  dress,  too !  Do  you  think  I 
might  wear  a  white  waistcoat  ?  If  so, 
I  wouldn't  rnind  paying  a  littb  bit 
extra  in  premium,  fc'o  long,  Hy.,  old 
pal.  Writs  soon.  How  are  Thos., 
Chas.,  and  Jno.  ? — Ever  yours,  etc." 

This  morning  I  got  Hy.'s  reply. 

"  What  do  you  say,"  he  inquired, 
"  to  a  little  hit  of  dinner  at  the  Rococo 


AN  APPALLING  CONTINGENCY. 

[Suggested  by  the  tlie  iry  recently  put. for- 
ward that,  in  the  m  dern  drama,  other  motives 
are  tending  to  displace  the  hitherto  supreme 
"love  interest,"  and  that  in  the  play  of  the 
future  the  a;i]  e.il  to  the  amorous  emotioi  s  will 
be  less  and  less  in  evidence.] 

WE  English  are  a  sober  race, 

And     yet,     beneath     our     colder 

fashions, 

I've   always   held    that    ona    could 
.   traca 

The  stirrings  of  volcanic  passions, 
For     which     our     Drama,     though 

derided, 
A  sen'imental  safety-valve  provided ; 

That,  though  a  prudent  mother-wit 
Ruled     drably    o'er    our     actual 

doings, 

When  settled  in  the  stalh  or  pit 
We  gave  ourselves  to  loves    and 

woo  ings, 
To     plighted     troths      and      secret 

meetings, 

Elopements,  vows,   and  amorous   en- 
treatings ; 

And  thereby  managed  to  assuage 
Our  wilder    moods   and    reckless 

feslings, 
W'hich    otherwiss    might    start    to 

rage 

In  all  Life's  ordinary  dealings  ; 
To  give  the  theory  brief  expression  : 
Love  on  the  stage,  but    in   our  lives 
Discretion. 

Hence  with  your  loveless  plays  ons 

sees 

Arrive  a  dark  and  horrid  doubtlet : 
What  of  our  hidden  passions,  please, 
When  you've  removed  their    an- 
cient outlet  ? 

Is  every  Briton,  wise  or  stupid, 
To  wander  blindly  in  the  toils  of  Cupid  ? 

Heaven  fo'.bid  !     No,  give  us  still 

The  themes  and  plots  of  orthodoxy, 
And  let  us  take  our  modest  fill 

Of  passion,  as  it  were,  by  proxy  ; 
The    play 's   the   place    for   Cupid's 

antics, 

Else    in   our   lives  we    all  become 
Romantics! 


MAY  24.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   Oil   TIIK   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


391 


i 
j 


FLIGHTS  OF  IMAGINAT.'ON. 

THE  following  political  competitions 
havj  been  arranged  in  consequence  of 
the  successful  aeroplane  flights  of  Mr. 
BALFOUU  and  Mr.  McKxiOU  : — 

1.  PUBLIC     ASCENTS     OF     BALLONS 
n'KssAi,    to   ascertain    the  current   of 
general  op'nion.  Liberation  of  canards. 

2.  WINDBAG    COMI-ETIT.ONS     (unre- 
stricted as  to  time  or  volume). — Contest 
between  speeches  liahter  than  air  and 
heavier  than  air.     Flights  of  oratory. 

3.  SOAIIIXU  COMPETITIONS  for  young 
M.lVs. 

4.  GENERAL    ATTEMPT    TO  FLY  TO 
WESTMINSTER.     Prize,  £400  a  year.— 
Successful  cand:clates  will  be  expected 
to  steer  subsequently  in  any  direction 
in-Heated  by  the  Party  Whips. 

5.  ALTITUDE    CONTEST.  —  Elevation 
of  500  Liberals  to  the  House  of  Lords. 

6.  IMMIOHATION  CONTEST  (for  Aliens 
only). — Candidates   to   attempt  to  fly 
over   London   and   drop  explosives  at 
various  vital  centres.     No  restrictions. 
(Gentlemen    desiring    assistance    will 
obtain    fullest    information   from    the 
Home  Office.) 

7.  LADIES'  CONTEST. — An  aeroplane 
of   the    Suffragette    (PANKHURST-DES- 
PARD)  type  will  manoeuvre  in  the  air 
over  Radical  meetings  and  drop  hand- 
bills and  other  missiles.    In  conjunction 
with  the  Police  Air-ship  Sports.     (The 
public  are  warned  that  this  event  is 
dangerous.) 

8.  NON-STOP  EVENT. — An    attempt 
will  be  made  by  a  body  of  Conservative 
Members  to  send  up  the  CHANCELLOR 
OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  permanently  in  a 
balloon. 

9.  BACK-TO-THE-LAND   COMPETITION 
(for  Beginners). — This  explains  itself. 

ANOTHER    LIBEL. 

"  I  SHALL  have  to  sell  the  pup,"  said 
James. 

"  Funks,  does  he  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Not  he,"  he  said  indignantly. 
"He'd  face  a  polar  bear  if  I  asked 
him  to." 

A  horrible  susp  cion  seized  me. 

'•  You  've  been  trying,"  I  asked,  "  to 
teach  him  to  beg,  and  he 's  refused  to 
sacrifice  his  self-respect  ?  " 

"Of  course  not.  You  know  I  don't 
believe  in  indiscriminate  charity." 

"  Well,  then,  what 's  the  trouble?" 

"  He  has  libelled  me." 

"What!  does  he  write  fict'on,  too?" 
I  exclaimed.  "  The  young  dog !  " 

"There  are  mare  ways  of  libelling  a 
man,"  said  James,  "than  painting  him 
as  the  villain  of  a  storyette;  "  to  which 
I  agreed,  for,  since  the  discovery  of  a 
false  rhyme  in  my  po3m  "  To  Araminta," 
I  had  lived  in  hourly  expectation  of  an 


"MOTHIK   I  KNOW  WHAT  XLEP1IAST8*  TUSKS  AUE  MADE  Of." 
"WHAT,  DEAR!" 

"\VllV,    PlPEU    KNIVES." 


action  from  some  lady  of  that  name  for 
implying  that  she  mixed  with  poets  of 
defective  culture. 

"The  other  day,"  James  went  on, 
"  I  lost  him.  I  searched  for  him,  and 
found  him  searching  for  mo  outside  the 
Criterion  Bar,  which,  as  you  know,  is 
situated  in  one  of  our  busiest  thorough- 
fares." 

'•Wonderful  instinct  dogs  have,"  I 
suggested.  "  He  knew  it  was  useless 
g  >ing  in  as  he  was  under  fourteen." 

"  I   call  it  a  nasty  underhand  way 


of  getting  revenge  for  being  lest," 
grumbled  James.  "Everybody  who 
saw  him  concluded  I  was  drinking 
at  ten  o'clock  in  the  morning,  when, 
as  a  matter  of  fact,  I  was  in  the  post- 
office." 

"  It  is  often  called  buying  a  stamp," 
I  admitted. 

"  Anyhow,  my  character  's  gone,  and 
the  pup  will  have  to  go  too.  I  shall, 
of  course,  take  no  legal  action." 

And  so  I  got  it  cheap ;  and  a  very 
good  pup,  too. 


39*2 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAX-  24,  1911. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    SUPPLEMENT. 

VI. — STEAMSHIPS. 

To  the  vast  influx  of  visitors  to  the 
Coronation  from  other  countries  and 
the  circumstance  that  few  of  them  fly 
or  swim,  but  instead  use  steamships, 
must  be  attributed  the  fascinatingly 
veracious  article  which  follows.  The 
reason  that  no  errors  are  to  be  dis- 
cerned in  it  is  due  to  the  fact  that 
the  proofs  have  been  rigorously  read 
by  well-known  experts.  Thus,  Mr. 
MONTAGU  HOLBEIN  and  Sir  ABTHUB 
WING  PiN'ERO  have  revised  the  section 
which  deals  with  the  Cross  and  Mid- 
Channel  services.  If  any  reference  to 
rackets  is  found  here  it  will  have  been 
first  scrutinised  by  WILLIAMS,  while 
the  long  dissertation  on  Lloyd's  rates 
for  insuring  the  Heraldic  Jail  on  a 
sea  passage  is  the  work  of  Sir  ALFRED 
SCDTT  GATTY,  Garter  King-at-Anns, 
but  may,  of  course,  be  cut  out  by  the 
editor  at  the  last  moment.  The 
historical  section  has  been  supervised 
by  Sir  Kyloe  }Vatts  (the  descendant 
of  Sir  ISAAC  WATTS,  the  inventor  of 
the  steam-kettle),  Mr.  JOHN*  MASEFIELD, 
Miss  BEATRICE  HARRADEN  and  other 
authorities  on  shipping. 

HISTORY. 

!  The  first  steamship  was  built  on 
the  Thames.  Hence  the  phrase  "  Old 
ak  the  HILLS."  She  was  of  only 
200  tons  burthen  and  was  christened 
tyrcad-most-things-bitt-particiilarly-the- 
opcn-sea.  This  name  was  given  to 
hjer  by  the  VENERABLE  BEDE,  who 
biroke  over  her  bows  a  bottle  of 
vintage  metheglin  in  the  presence  of  the 
very  flower  of  art,  literature  and 
politics.  From  this  simple  vessel  grew 
the  gigantic  fleet  that  now  ploughs  the 
waves  in  every  direction  and  harrows 
the  stomachs  of  all  poor  sailors  on 
board. 

The  largest  Atlantic  liner  that  exists 
is  the  Dollarmania,  recently  launched 
by  the  celebrated  American  firm  of 
Cramp,  of  Philadelphia.  The  Dollar- 
mania  is  exactly  half-a-mile  long.  She 
1ms  six  funnels,  a  permanent  theatrical 
company,  a  morning  and  evening  paper, 
a  polo  ground,  and  a  golf  course.  Her 
chef  receives  £4,000  a  year. 

PURPOSE  AND  USE. 

Steamships  go  all  over  the  world, 
except  to  the  coast  of  Bohemia.  There 
was  a  line  thither  in  SHAKSPEABE'S  time, 
but  it  has  since  bsen  discontinued. 
There  are  even  stsamships  on  the  Swiss 
and  Italian  lakes,  greatly  to  the  per- 
plexity of  tourists,  who  cannot  think 
how  they  got  there. 

The  only  way  to  get  to  certain 
places  is  by  steamship— the  West 


|  Indies,  for  example.  The  West  Indies, 
whose  motto  (an  adaptation  of  an  old 
Spanish  phrase)  is  Ham  banana,  are 
famous  for  fruit,  a  Socialistic  govern- 
ment, and  periodical  visits  from  Mr. 
x  x  x  x  x  x  x  xxxx  (the  author 
of  Fanny's  First  Play),  and  teams  of 
jocular  but  not  quite  first-class 

•  cricketers.  Steamships  that  succeed 
in  avoiding  a  collision  with  the 
Bermudas  take  one  to  the  West 
Indies  in  about  ten  days.  Other  places 
which  one  may  visit  in  steamships  are 
Calais,  Hyde  and  Margate.  Few  trips 
are  more  popular  than  that  to  Calais,  a 
famous  French  seaport  once  celebrated 
for  duels,  and  now  for  a  sprightly  French 
dance  named  after  it — the  Pas  de 
Calais.  Eyde  has  been  wittily  called  the 
Calais  of  the  Isle  of  Wight,  a  piece  of 
land  entirely  surrounded  by  water, 
lying  to  the  south  of  England  and  de 
pendent  upon  steamships  not  only  for 
the  visitors,  by  whom  it  subsists,  but  for 

'  many  of  the  necessities  of  life,  which 

;  it  offers  for  sale  at  an  enormous  profit. 
Margate  differs  from  Calais  and  Eyde 
in  that  it  may  also  be  reached  from 
London  by  land ;  but  only  the  intrepid 
make  the  journey. 

Steamships  carry  not  only  their  pre- 
cious freight  of  human  and  American 
souls,  but  also  merchandise  and  things 
to  eat.  For  example,  without  steamships 
we  should  get  no  eggs  from  Denmark, 
or,  at  any  rate,  they  would  not  be 
worth  getting  when  we  got  them. 
Nor  should  we  be  able  to  correspond 
freely  with  our  distant  relations  and 
send  remittances  to  Queensland  and 
British  Columbia. 

It  is  steamships  that  bring  us 
currants  from  Greece,  and  slippers  from 
Morocco,  and  sprouts  from  Brussels, 
and  tenors  from  Italy,  and  creepers 
from  Virginia,  and  crosses  from  Malta, 
and  blinds  from  Venice. 

MAL-DE-MEII. 

Few  persons  can  travel  by  steamship 
without  suffering  from  the  horrid  com- 
plaint to  which  the  above  delicate 
French  name  has  been  given.  It  was 
first  discovered  by  the  famous  Cartha- 
ginian navigator,  HANNO,  who  in  his 
Pcripiits  has  a  most  moving  chapter  on 
the  subject,  headed  Sic  Transit.  See 
also  the  refined  article,  "  Storm-pan,"  by 
Professor  Onotis  P.  Flagler,  in  the 
new  edition  of  ttiQEncyclopcrdiaBritan- 
nica. 

CHEW. 

No  steamship  is  complete  without 
an  engineer  and  stoker.  Captains  are 
carried  on  Atlantic  liners  to  be  pleasant 
to  important  passengers.  In  addition, 
every  ocean  greyhound  (as  they  are 
facetiously  called)  has  on  board  a 
marconigraph  -  operator  in  case  the 


|  Wall  Street  magnates  should  feel 
j  bored,  or  captains  should  wish  to 
'.  communicate  with  the  daily  papers. 
|  The  voyage  from  England1  to  America 
is  performed  by  the  Dollarmania  in 
.  three  days,  all  of  which  are  spent 
'  either  in  entertainments  in  the  saloons 
I  or  in  wagering  on  the  day's  run. 

UNWRITTEN  LAWS. 

Albatross-shooting,   especially   with 
cross-bows,  is  discountenanced. 

When  any  steady  run  of  bad  luck  is 
encountered   it  is  wise  to  look  about 
for  the  most   likely  Jonah-man    and 
throw  him  overboard. 
]      Ships  that  pass  in  the  night   need 
i  not  exchange  bows. 

Theatrical    passengers    address    all 
'stokers  as  "  Bram." 

Donkey-engines    have    horse-power 
allowed  them  by  courtesy. 


AWA    FBAE    GOWRIE. 

(Lowland  Love-Song). 

SHE   wis   never"  that   young,  she  wis 

never  just  that  bonny, 
An'  it 's  nae  the  bawbees,  for  she  's  no 

had  ony 

This  seventeen  year, 
Yet  it 's  oh  but  I  'm  sweir 
Tae  pairt  frae  ma  jo  Annie  Powrie ; 
She 's  fair  past  wurk, — though  she 's 

but  nifty-three, 
An'    they've    taen    her    till    the 

infirmarie, 
An'  wha  's  tae  rax   me   ma   dish 

o'  tea, 
When  she 's  awa'  frae  Gowrie  ? 

I  've  pawned  her  puckle  gear,  an'  I  've 

drinkt  her  bit  beddin'. 
An'  the  auld  black  goun  that  she  wore 

tae  wir  weddin', 
An'  her  stuffit  chair, 
Still  it 's  eh  but  I  "m  sair 
Tae  twine  frae  ma  jo  Annie  Powrie ; 
The  doctor  says  that  she  's  gey  far 

through, 
But  wha  's  tae  dig  the  croft  i'  the 

noo, 
An'  wha  's  tae  bed  me  the  nichts 

I  'm  fou, 
When  she  's  awa'  frae  Gowrie  ? 

She  was  wattit   tao  the   bane   at   the 

tattie-sawin' 
I'  the  spring  o'  the  year  when  the  win' 

wis  I  lawin' 
O'  a  cauld-rife  airt, 
An'  it 's  wae  is  ma  hairt 
Tae  twine  frao  ma  jo  Annie  Powrie ; 
They  're  tollin'  aye  that  she  's  like 

tae  dee, 

Nae  an  unco'  thing  as  ye  11  agree, 
But  wha  's  tae  fend  for  the  pig  an' 

me, 
Gin  she  's  awa  frae  Gowrie  ? 


MAY  24,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAR  I VA  HI. 


393 


FANCY  PICTURE  OF  THE  INTERNATIONAL  COMMITTEE  WHICH  DECIDES  THE  FASHIONS  FOR  NEXT  SEASON. 


TKUE    LOVE. 

I  SING  of  bed,  for  topics  fail, 

And  sing  I  must  and  will. 
The  broken  heart  is  getting  stale, 

The  moon  is  staler  still. 
The  kiss  is  clearly  oversung, 

The  thread  of  love  is  bared, 
And  nothing  beats  a  pair  of  sheets 

(Providing  they  are  aired). 

When  I  was  young  and  full  of  sense 

I  tried  to  climb  a  tree, 
But,  owing  to  incompetence, 

I  fell  and  broke  a  knee. 
1  lay  in  bed  for  weeks  and  weeks ; 

The  thing  became  a  craze. 
Unhappy  me,  that  I  might  be 

Back  in  those  good  old  days ! 

There  are  who  wag  untiring  jawa 

And  hardly  ever  cease 
To  clamour  hotly  in  the  cause 

Of  Universal  Peace. 
These  blame  the  darned  inventiveness 

Of  MAXIM  and  of  KRUPP  ; 

should  taboo  the  villain  who 

Invented  getting  up. 

I  know  a  man  who  loves  a  face, 

But  yet  his  love  is  such 
That  lie  can  leave  it  for  a  spaca 

Nor  miss  it  overmuch. 


To  leave  my  bed  at  any  time 

I  am  extremely  loath ; 
And  that  is  clear  to  all  who  hear 

My  matutinal  oath. 

And  if  at  times  I  should  suggest 

That  we  might  well  arrange 
To  give  our  love  a  little  rest, 

And  give  ourselves  a  change : 
Where    wives    would    make   domestic 
scenes, 

Fiancees  sulk  or  pout, 
It  does  not  cry  or  even  try 

To  follow  me  about. 

The  tepid  lover  asks  a  lot 

But  takes  what  he  can  get. 
Such  I,  most  certainly,  am  not, 

"  And  yet,"  say  you,  "  and  yet 
Those     charms     which    you     would 
emphasise 

You  carelessly  forego ; 
The  night  is  sped;  you  're  not  in  bed!  " 

I  answer,  "  See  below." 

We  poets  labour  overtime 

That  so  our  pots  may  boil. 
As  bait  to  catch  the  elusive  rhyme 

We  use  the  midnight  oil. 
We  cannot  always  practise  what 

In  theory  we  discuss ; 
But  anyhow  I  '11  do  it  now, 

And  clinch  the  matter  thus  : — 


They  say  that  Daisy  is  a  dear, 

That  Mabel  is  a  treat ; 
They  rhapsodize  of  Elsie's  ear, 

They  rave  of  Phyllis'  feet ; 
They  say  that  Hose's  cheeks  are  pink, 

That  Sally's  eyes  are  brown.  .  .  . 
For  all  I  know  that  may  be  so ; 

Give  me  my  eiderdown. 

The  procession  of  medical  students 
which  got  into  trouble  on  the  occasion 
of  their  protest  against  Dr.  MACAUBA, 
was  headed  by  men  carrying  a  coffin. 
This  does  not  strike  us  as  a  particularly 
happy  symbol  of  their  profession. 

Extract  from  The  Liverpool  Evening 
Echo  on  the  subject  of  the  Nottingham 
petition : — "The  judges  issued  warrants 
for  the  apprehension  of  two  men, 
GEORGE  SHAW  and  public-houses."  If 
our  contemporary  has  not  given  tl  e 
second  man  a  name,  it  has  certainly 
given  him  a  "  local  habitation." 

"The  engine  will  be  painted  in  special  colours, 
and  the  boiler  will  be  furnished  with  brass 
bauds." — Locomotive,  Magazine. 

The  way  boilers  are  pampered  now- 
a-days  is  disgusting.  Time  was  when 
they  had  to  be  contented  with  a  simple 
whistle. 


394 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  24,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Ckrks.) 
IT  is  goo  1  to  find  that  the  author  of  The  Professional 
Aunt  has  wr'.tten  another  book  at  least  equally  delightful. 
Slu-  calls  it  People  of  Pophim  (CONSTABLE).  As  to  what 
it  is  about,  that  is  a" different  matter;  for  the  greater  part, 
'nothing  'whatever  happens  to  anybody  of  whom  it  treats; 
but  it  U  impossibb  to  be  annoyed  with  Mrs.  GEORGE 
WKMYSS  over  this,  or  to  attempt  to  hurry  things  by  skipping, 
because  on  almost  every  pago  you  are  given  some  quito 
delightful  bit  of  observation  or 
quaint,  unexpected  humour, 
which  alone  would  be  worth 
the  whole  plot  of  half  the 
novels  in  any  publisher's  list. 
There  was  once  a  village  called 
Pophaui,  and  some  nice  friendly 
human  people  lived  in  it.  This 
is  the  matter  of  the  book;  and 
of  course  you  will  say  Crtmford 
at  once;  to  which  I  reply  that 
•Mrs.  WEMYSS  has  no  cause  to 
be  frightened  even  at  this  com- 
parison. There  is,  in  short,  a 
quality  about  her  work  which 
can  only  be  expressed  by  one 
rather  over-used  word— charm. 
One  feels  that  she  could  write 
about  a  railway  goods-station 
— the  most  uninteresting  thing 
I  can  think  of  for  the  moment 
— and  make  you  feel  that  it 
was  one  of  the  compensations 
of  life.  When  you  have  read 
the  book  and  chuckled  time 
after  time  over  its  tender  and 
wholly  inconsequential  humour 
(Mrs.  WEMYSS  writes  exactly 
like  a  very  nice  woman  talking), 
you  will  see  that  all  I  have 
said  about  its  attractiveness  is 
thoroughly  deserved. 


NERVE-TRYING. 

I    BO    LOVE    TO    SEE    THE 


Doubting,  as  I  do,  whether 
fifty  per  cent,  of  women  care 
much  about  a  man's  looks,  I 
find  it  a  little  difficult  to  believe 
in  the  tragic  situation  of  Mr.  E. 
TEMPLE  THURSTON'S  hero  in 
The  Garden  of  Resurrection 

(CHAPMAN  AND  HALL).  Possessing  fifteen  hundred  a  lo  have  stopped  to  listen,"  and  pleading,  of  course,  with 
year  and  a  beautiful,  if  slightly  mawkish,  disposition,  inevitable  but  miraculous  success.  But  the  schoolgirl 
he .  ought,  for  all  his  ugliness,  to  have  found  a  few  above  mentioned,  in  her  ignorance  of  such  "  halls,"  may 


Qladys  (to  aeroptaning  friend}. 
GULLS  FLYING  ABOUT  !  " 

jterop'aning  Friend.  "On,  COME  AWAY,  DO! 

WATCHING     THEM  1         TlIEY     OUUllTlt'l     TO     Hi'. 
WIND  !  " 


duced  to  an  herbaceous  border,  or  (unless  he  is  in  for  a 
competition)  at  the  contemplation  of  a  sweet  pea.  The 
hero's  favourite  apo'.hegm  apparently  (since  he  quotes  it 
twice)  is  the  line  from  The  Blue  Bird,  "  Tliere  are  no 
Dead,"  a  thought  which  appears  to  me  neither  new  enough 
nor  true  enough  to  get  very  excited  about. 

If  the  unsophisticated  sshcolgirl  still  exists,  to  her,  no 
doubt,  Winding  Paths  (HuasT  AND  BLACKETT)  will  make 
its  instant  appi  al.  And  s  >  much  success  is  by  no  means 
to  be  grudged  Miss  GERTRUDE  PAGE,  for,  though  the  loves 

of  her  heroines  are  not  wholly 
innocent,  her  style  is  sound,  her 
grammar  irreproachable,  her 
moral  good  and  her  heart 
obviously  in  ths  right  place. 
Moreover  her  humour  is,  in 
its  quieter  moments,  attractive 
and  herpresentation  of  character 
illumina'  ing.  But  amongst  men 
of  the  world  the  book  will,  I  am 
afraid, 

Draw  the  te  r  from  miny  an  eye, 
But  not  tli3  t'ar  of  tympithy. 

Its  reasoning  upon  the  bigger- 
issues  of  the  clay  is  a  little  too 
near  the  fatuous,  and  its  people 
are  overbusy  in  st  fling  sobs, 
wincing  and  burying  their  heads 
in  their  hands.  Particularly 
there  is  Mr.  Alijmcr  Hernoi, 
a  magnificently  proportioned 
Adonis  in  appearance  and  a 
barrister  by  profession.  Having 
been  called  for  some  two  years 
and  being  still  well  under  thirty, 
he  has  yet  leapt  to  the  foremost 
rank  among  juniors,  and  that 
by  his  personal  bsauty  and 
"quiet  dignity"  alone,  without 
having  to.  worry,  apparently, 
over  the  stuffy  intricacies  of  the 
law.  It  is  impossible  to  read 
with  proper  solemnity  the 
account  of  this  remarkable 
young  gentleman  pleading,  in 
the  last  chapter,  "with  a  nob'e, 
resolute  faco,  in  the  oppressive 
hush  of  that  crowded  hal'," 
pleading,  "  white  everything 
heaven  and  earth  seemed 


I  CAN'T  STAND 
OUT    is    THIS 


ladies  not  wholly  indifferent  to  him  before  the  book 
opened.  I  am  afraid  it  was  the  fact  that  pretty  women 
did  not  notice  him  in  the  street  which  really  got  upon  his 
nerves.  But  barring  this  criticism  I  am  extremely  grateful 
to  the  writer  of  a  very  pleasant  story.  Readers  of  his  former 
books  will  not  be  surprised  to  find  plenty  of  humorous  and 
subtle  observations  in  this  one,  and  Belwattle,  the  wife  of  the 
unlovely  gentlemen's  friend,  Moxa  his  man,  and,  above  all, 
Dandy  his  dog,  are  delightfully  sketched  characters.  But 
why,  oh  why  must  \ve  have  this  superfluity  of  sentiment 
over  flowers  ?  I  dare  not  conjecture  what  a  primrose  by 
the  river's  brim  would  have  meant  to  most  of  the  people 
in  this  book,  and  I  am  sure  they  would  have  burst  into  tears 
at  the  sight  of  an  auricula.  Even  a  "plain  blunt  man,"  I 
think,  should  set  some  limit  to  his  raptures  on  being  intro- 


well  go  to  this  one  and  be  there  blissfully  and  harmlessly 


entranced. 


From  a  letter  in  the  South  African  War  Cry  : — 

' '  W  lii'st  hovering  around  a  pretty  place  called  Quoen  town  I  have  1  een 
at t: acted  to  the  square  with  live  sides,  de>ignated  the  '  Hexagon.'  " 

The  neatest  definition  of  a  hexagon  we  have  seen. 


From    a    programme    of    addresses    arranged    by    the 


C.I.C.C.U.  :— 

"May  28th,  Dr.  T.  Jay's. 
Martin  Hall." 


re  Satan's  Scat  Is.'     In  the  Henry 


This  will  come  as  a  surprise  to  many. 


MAY  31,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

"  WILD  Australia  "  is  announced  as 
ono  of  the  attractions  of  the  Festival 


from  a  stab  in  the  back  when  a  la;ly 
pins  her  hat  to  the  other  side  of  the 
seat.  Meanwhile  Londoners  have  to 
put  up  with  old-fashioned  and  cum- 


of  Empire  ;  but  we  understand  that  the  I  brous  coats  of  mail. 

wildness  of  Australia  is  a  tame  tiling 

compared  with  the  wildness  of  Canada        "  What     wonderful 


versatility 


over   the   tempcrary   banning    of    the   remarked    an     old     lady     who,    aftar 
Battle   of    Chatcauguay   as    her   con 
trihution  to  the  Empire  Pageant. 


A  GRAVE  OVERSIGHT. 

DEAR  MR.  PUNCH. — May  I  through 
the  medium  of  ycur  columns  call  the 
attention  of  the  gentleman  who  is 
responsible  for  the  Coronation  Stands 
in  the  Strand  district  of  Westminster 
to  a  grave  oversight  in  their  con- 


It  has  frequently  been  suggested 
that  too  much  legislation  in  favour 
of  tlio  Labouring  Classes  will  prove 
demoralising  lo  them.  We  have  not 
had  to  wait  long  for  a  concrete  example 


of  this.  Man  is  willing  to  exchange  i  Automobile  Club,  and  not  Buckingham 
his  independence  for 
it.  The  Manx  Labour 
Party  has  com- 
plained that  it  is  at 
a  disadvantage 
in  the  matter  of 
social  legislation, 
and  is  proposing 
annexation  to  the 
United  Kingdom. 

#     :;: 

Never,  we  tup- 
pose,  was  so  much 
attention  devoted  to 
the  subject  of  dress 
as  to-day.  ThePosT- 
MASTER-GENEBAL,  it 
is  announced,  is 
making  arrange- 
ments for  an  im- 
proved form  of 
headgear  for  the 
telephone  girls. 

Describing  a  case 
of  highway  robbery, 
The  Observer  tells  us 
that  the  police  found 


inspecting   the   QUEEN  VICTORIA    Me-  struction  ?  He  sla'.ed,  some  time  ago, 
morial,  read  the  announcement  on  an 
Exhibition  placard:    "GREAT  DISPLAY 

OF   FIREWORKS   BY    BROCK." 

*    * 

There  is  a  persistent  rumour  afoot 
to  the  effect  that,  when  the  Germans 
take  London,  the  premises  of  the  Eoyal 


[Ex'.raet  fiom  a  Physical  Culture  Expert's   Circular: — "It  YOU  HUNK   I   CLAIM  TOO 

MUCH  FOR  MY  SYS1EM  AND  WISH  FOB,  FURTHER  PROOFS,  FAVOUB  MB 
WHEN  YOU  CAN  SSS  THE  MAM  WITH  WHOM  YOU  ARE  DEALING,  AND 
THAT  YOU  WILL  THEN  BB  CONVINCED."] 


Expert.  "ARE  YOU  CONVINCED!" 
Enquirer.    "ABSOLUTELY." 


the  men  who  were 
charged  with  the 
offence  drinking  in 
a  public-house.  "  When  the  police  Palace,  will  become  the  Imperial  resi-  j  stands,  therefore,  without  taking  into 


that    these    stands     are    constructed 
to     support    four     times    tin   weight 
of  the  people  they  are  to  accommodate 
in    order    to     withstand    the     strain 
when  tha  spectators  all  sway  to  one 
side  to   see    some    object   of    interest 
(such   as   the  procession — always    an 
object  of  interest  on  these  occasions). 
This  may  have  an- 
swered well  enough 
in  past  processions, 
but     in     view      of 
the  change    in    the 
physical  condition  of 
the  people,  I  main- 
tain   that    on    the 
present  occasion  this 
margin  of   strength 
is  quite  inadequate. 
In  the  pages  of  an 
esteemed   contem- 
porary  wo    have 
constantly  read  that 
the  weight  of  school- 
boys is  going  up  by 
leaps    and     bounds 
owing  to  the  reten- 
tion of  the  germ  and 
semolina  in  the  Stan- 
dard Loaf.  Now,  Sir, 
that  diet  is  not  con- 
fined to   schoolboys 
alone,  but    is  being 

I       JUVJ    I  .  .. 

WITH  A  CALL,  eagerly  assimilated 
I  ASSURE  TCI'  three  times  a  day 
at  least  by  the  di- 
gestive organs  of 
the  British  race.  To 
construct  these 


entered,  they  tried  to   get   rid  of  the  dence. 
coppers  by  passing  them  over  the  bar, 
but   the    barmaid    would    not   accept 


account  the  increased  avoirdupois   of 
practically  every  spectator,   is,  I   am 

"  Postcards  are  to  be  sold  in  future  convinced,  to  court  a  national  disaster, 

them."  This  spread  of  slang  to  the  i  at  their  face  value."  Actresses  whose  '  and  having  taken  seats  for  a  large  party 
columns  of  one  of  our  oldest  newspapers  features  appear  on  them  take  this  to  of  nephews  and  nieces  I  speak  from  a 
is,  we  fear,  a  sign  of  the  times.  mean  that  our  cards  will  cost  us  more,  vitally  interested  point  of  view. 

***  Yours  very  truly, 

A  commercial  man's  view  of  the  pay- 


*  * 


*  * 
* 


We  are  indebted  for  the  following 

Charivarium  to  a  gentleman  who  ap-j  ment  of  Members  :  "  Now,  Mr.  BALFOUR 
peared   the  other    day   at   the   Wood  — he's  wonderful  value  for  £400;  but 
Green  Police  Court.      "May  I,"   he  I  some  of  the  others  .  .  .  ." 
cried  impressively,  "  never  be  placed  in  * .  * 

this  dock  again  if  I  'in  not  telling  the 
truth  1 " 


A  fact — but  none  the  worse  for  that, 


we   hope.      "Oh,    Mum,"    said   cook, 
"  I  've  received  a  present  of  a  pair  of 

The  proprietors  of  the  Dublin  Theatre  gloves,  and  I  don't  know  who  they're 
Royal,  wo  are  told,  have  added  im-  i  from."  "  Perhaps  they  're  from  an  un- 
mensely  to  the  comfort  of  their  patrons  known  admirer,"  suggested  the  mistress, 
by  covering  the  backs  of  the  seats  with  i  "  Ah,  as  likely  as  not, "said  cook.bright- 


"  ALARMED  AUNT." 


"  HUNTERS  SUMMERED.  —OLD  PUBLIC  SCHOOL 
MAN  will  take  Tew  Hunters,  Summer,  on  Farm 
with  own,  and  condition  for  Season."  —  Horse 


We  are  sorry.    We  hoped  he  was  going 
to  take  quite  a  lot. 


"  Eijual  credit  is  due  to  ISraddcll,  who  in 
scoring  four  not  out  was  responsible  for  quite 
his  best  performance  in  tirst-class  cricket." 

Oiford  Review. 


Hi. n  metal,  thus  protecting  playgoers  cning  up.     "  I '11  write  and  ask  him."     |  BRADDELL  mustn't  overdo  it. 


YOU    CJLL. 


390 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


A    HINT    FROM    ELSINORE. 

WHEN  Hamlet  found  the  King  at  prayer — 

A  very  soft  and  easy  victim — 
He  meant  to  kill  him  then  and  there, 
Taken  behind  and  unaware, 

But  checked  the  previous  blade  that  would  have 
pricked  him. 

He  could,  I  say,  have  "  done  it  pat," 
But,  when  he  made  a  careful  study 
Of  what  it  was  the  King  was  at, 
He  saw  a  better  way  than  that, 
More  practical  and  every  bit  as  bloody. 

"  If  I  should  knock  him  now,"  he  said, 

"  Kneeling,  a  self -acknowledged  sinner, 
He  "d  never  drop  to  hell  like  lead, 
But  fly  aloft  to  heaven  instead. 
I  '11  do  it  later — some  day  after  dinner. 

"  Selecting  with  a  patient  tact 

The  psychologic  situation, 
I  '11  take, 'him  in  some  naughty  act 
(Dicing,  for  choice)  and  get  him  packed 
Without  a  chance  direct  to  sheer  damnation." 

Not  so  our  Hamlets  treat  to-day 

The  Peer  repentant  and  appealing ; 
Concerned  at  any  cost  to  slay, 
They  don't  consider  how  their  prey 
May  haply  mount  to  glory  through  the  ceiling. 

Could  they  but  wait  to  deal  the  blow 
Till,  in  the  pride  of  overpaid  ease, 
He  lets  his  new  repentance  go 
And  drives  the  partridge  to  and  fro, 
They  might  despatch  him,  red  with  sin,  to  Hades. 

But  now — with  all  his  faults  confessed, 

And  saying  on  his  bended  knee,  "  I 
Have  sinned  and  lo,  I  clear  my  breast  1 " 
He'll  rise  again,  for  ever  blest, 
By  favour  of  the  People's  Voice  (Vox  Dei). 


O.  S. 


COCKTAIL  COLLOQUIES; 

OB, 

ENGLISH  AS  SHE  is  GOING  TO  BE  SPOKE  AT  THE 
CORONATION. 

[Referring  to  the  thousands  of  Americana  who  are  preparing  to  be  in 
London  for  the  Coronation  an  imaginative  correspondent  of  the  Hearst 
News  Service  observes  that  "The  argot  of  Broadway  aud  Market  Street 
will  be  heard  in  the  land,  from  the  drawing-rooms  of  Mayfair  to  the 
purlieus  of  the  Mile  End  Roid."  No  doubt ;  and  its  efL'ct  upon  a 
receptive  London  is  here  adumbrated.] 

I. — KANSAS  AT  LARGE. 

SCENE — A  Fashionable  At  Home. 

Lady  Arabella  Tinlernc  (to  the  Countess  of  Glastonbury, 
who  has  just  arrived).  Why,  Mandy  Glastonbury,  if  you 
ain't  a  sight  for  sore  eyes !  Set  you  right  down  there  and 
take  your  bonnet  off.  Twern't  only  last  night  I  was 
sayin'  to  Lord  Hanko,  "  Hank,  I  says,  it  seems  a  coon's  age 
since  Mandy  and  Gus  was  around."  And  Hank  said  he 
reckoned  as  you  all  had  gotten  so  chesty  since  Gus  got  the 
title  you  was  figurin'  to  shake  a  couple  of  back  numbers 
like  us. 

Countess  of  G.  Ain't  that  just  like  Hank  and  his  joshing. 
But,  honest,  it  don't  seem  like  I  've  been  around  in  a  month. 
You  "re  looking  fine. 

Lady  A.  T.  Fine  as  silk.  How's  Gus  ?  I  heard  his  gout 
was  troubling  him  again. 


C.  of  G.  Quite  a  siege  he  had,  along  in  April,  but  he  'a 
around  again  now  and  punishiu"  his  three  squares.  But 
say,  I  've  got  more  gossip  than  you  c'd  shake  a  stick  at. 
You  remember  that  woman  that  was  at  the  theatre  with 
the  Ogilvie-Jacksons,  the  night  of  the  Cadwalladers'  box 
party  ? 

Lad  y  A.  T.  Looked  like  she  ought  to  be  doing  a  bathing 
suit  stunt  on  the  Orpheum  Circuit.  Supposed  to  be  a 
Nihilist  or  something. 

C.  of  G.  Big  husky  woman  with  a  yellow  wig.  That  's 
the  one.  Well,  Sue  Cadwallader  says  ....  (Whispered 
interchange  of  gossip.) 

Lady  A.  T.  Well,  wouldn't  that  freeze  you  to  the 
tracks  ?  The  gall  of  the  woman  !  But  say,  these  paid 
musicians  make  such  a  noise  you  can't  hear  yourself 
speak.  You  come  right  home  with  me  now  in  the  machine 
and  we  '11  have  a  heart-to-heart  talk. 

C.  of  G.  Nothing  doing;  I  got  to  get  home.  The  hired 
girl  fired  herself  this  A.M.,  and  Augustus  Junior  'a  been  sick 
to  his  stummick  all  day  from  hoggin'  too  many  doughnuts 
his  aunt  give  him,  and  his  pa  is  clawin'  chunks  outen  the 
air  because  the  calciminin  'a  started  to  peel  off  of  the 
bathroom  ceiling.  It  's  fierce  the  way  things  go  back 
on  you. 

Lady  A.  T.  You  pore  thing! 

C.   of  G.     Can  you  beat  it? 
"Eebeccas"  to-morrow  night  ? 

Lady  A.  T.    "Votes  for  Women"  night. 
binder  from  Manchester  's  going  to  spiel. 

C.  of  G.  Them  gabfest  artists  make  me  tired.  Some  of 
'em  ain't  got  more  sense  than  a  sawdust  rabbit.  Only 
last  week  I  was  into  Hale's  notion  -store  matching  a 
piece  of  goods  when  up  come  that  Wrottesley  woman 
and  says  she  's  been  elected  president  of  the  Society  for 
Preaching  Political  Equality  to  Domestic  Servants  or  some 
such  a  thing,  and  will  I  be  an  honorary  vice-president? 
"Not  on  your  tintype,"  I  says,  "I  'm  plumb  wore  out  now 
preaching  clean  carpets  to  my  help,  but  I  ain't  so  ever- 
lastingly bughouse  as  to  finish  the  job  by  sending  her  to 
huntin'  a  vote."  That  got  her  go  at  all  right.  Told  me 
that  women  like  me  didn't  deserve  to  have  rights,  and 
went  off  clucking  like  a  Rhode  Island  red  with  a  new  egg. 

Lady  A.  T.  Ain't  that  the  limit  ?  Gus  says  a  woman 
must  sure  be  locoed  to  go  round  tearing  things  loose  that  a 
way  when  she  might  bs  out  showing  herself  a  good  time 
with  her  friends.  Well,  I  must  be  moving.  See  you  at 
the  "  Auxiliary  "  Monday,  I  suppose  ? 

C.  of  G.  Reckon  you  will  if  Augustus's  foot  don't  go 
back  on  him  and  the  plumbing  holds  up  and  the  footman 
doesn't  get  on  a  toot.  S  'long. 

Lady  A.  T.  S'loug,  Mandy.  ALGOL. 


Anything  stirring  at  the 
Some  spell- 


From a  circular : 


A  Sporting  Offer. 


"  We  shall  be  glad  to  send  you  a  selection  for  your  approval,  cr 
better  still,  if  you  will  call,  we  will  guarantee  to  '  boot  you '  witli  a 
greater  degree  of  comfort  and  gladness  than  you  have  heretofore 
experienced.  AVhy  not  come  along  to-day  ?  " 


The  following  paragraph  comes  all  the  way  from  Devon- 
shire in  time  to  be  included  in  our  very  late  news : — 

"Yesterday  morning  the  German  Emperor  visited  the  Zoological 
Gardens,  and  lunched  with  Lord  Haldane." — Devon  and  Exeter  Gazette. 

On  second  thoughts  it  is,  perhaps,  too  offensive  to  re-print. 


"As  a  batsman,  he  is  too  painfully  correct,  and,   as  one  who   has 
been  hailed  as  the  best  of  the  young  school,  we  are  sorry  to  say  it." 

The  I'arsty. 
Nothing  like  modesty  in  a  critic. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAY  31,  1911. 


A  GOOD  WORKING  NAME. 


TIPSTKB.    "HEBE     Y'ABE,     GENTS.      A    DEAD    CERT    FOR    THE    ELECTION    STAKES— (to 
policeman)— DON"!   YOU   WORRY,  GUVNOR;    THE    LAW    CAN'T    TOUCH    ME;    LOOK    AT    THE 

NAME   ON   ME   'AT." 

[Suggested  by  the  result  of  the  East  Nottingham  Election  Petition.] 


PUNCH,   OK   TJIK   LONDON  CIIAKIVAUI. 


39'J 


KOT  A   DEVELOPMENT  OF  THE    "RIGHT  TO   WoitK  "   AGITATION— FOE   ARTISTS  t 


THE 

|  DIVA'S    FIRST   BEEAK-DOWN. 
HEABTRENDING  SCENE. 

,  [Our  sympathies  are  all  with  a  certain  dis- 
unsauhed  prinia  djium,  wlio  had  a  nervous 
collapie  the  other  day  during  her  first  public 
s|H'tvh.  V,"c  should  feel  just  like  that  on  our 
lirst  appearance  at  Covent  Garden  as  t;.c 
hcruine  of  R.guleUo  or  La  JJoMme.] 

ON  Friday  last  Madame  Adelaide 
Brisbani,  the  famous  antipodean  canta- 
tric-t,  paid  a  visit  to  the  Leadenhall 
Conservatoire  of  Music,  where  she  has 
recently  founded  an  annual  prize  of 
CIO  for  the  best  essay  on  "Interviewing 
a  Prima  Donna." 

The  visit,  it  should  be  added,  hap- 
pily co;ncided  with  the  anniversary  of 
Madame  Brisbani's  birthday,  and  the 
Committee  of  the  School  signalised 
the  occasion  by  presenting  the  diva 
with  a  superb  enamelled  chronome'er, 
jewelled  in  24  holes,  one  for  each 
year  of  Madame's  life. 

On  her  arrival  at  the  main  entrance 
the  illustrious  prima  donna  was  pre- 


sented with  a  magnificent  bouquet  by 
Master  Isidore  Golofino,  aged  10,  the 
Cold  Storage  Scholar,  and  one  of  the 
most  talenteJ  flautists  of  his  or  any 
other  age.  The  bouquet  was  composed 
of  choice  Borneo  blooms,  draped  over 
an  underdress  of  green  brocade,  the 
(Ucolletage  being  relieved  with  traceries 
of  pale  coffee-coloured  ninon.  Madame 
Brisbani  graciously  acknowledged  the 
gift  with  one  of  her  flashing  smiles, 
and,  taking  the  arm  of  the  Director,  Sir 
Canterbury  Lamb,  proceeded  at  once 
to  the  antiseptic  auditorium,  where, 
besides  the  60  professors,  all  dressed  in 
dainty  white  nainsook  witli  large  bows 
of  blue  ribbon  on  lhair  charineuse  pe- 
lisses, the  400  girl  students  were  seated 
in  rows  wearing  overdresses  of  moon- 
light blue  satin,  with  crystal  panels 
ornamented  with  pale  pink  pilaff. 

Madame  Brisbani  had  a  marvellous  re- 
ception, all  the  professors  tumultuously 
cheering  and  waving  their  pelisses, 
while  the  students,  headed  by  Miss 
Claudia  Clear,  indulged  in  strepitous 
outbursts  of  Kentish  fire.  'When 


silence  was  at  last  restored,  Madame 
Brisbani  ascended  the  rostrum  and 
began  her  address.  After  a  graceful 
tribute  to  Sir  Canterbury  Loaib  and 
a  pathetic  reference  to  the  fact  that 
she  would  never  see  twenty-four  again, 
Madame  Brisbani  launched  in  medias 
res.  "  To  sing  divinely,"  she  observed, 
"  you  must  steep  yourself  in  the  most 
divine  music.  If  you  do  not  love  music 
you  must  learn  to  love  it  by  listening 
to  the  most  lovely  singers.  Practice 
makes  perfect,  but  imitation  is  the 
sincerest  form  of  flattery,  A!>ove  all, 
remember  that  Eome  was  not  built  in 
a  day.  Aim  high  and  ever  '  hitch 
your  waggon  lo  a  star ' — for  choice  an 
operatic  star — and  let  your  ambition 
be  ever  on  the  top  speed.  Steep  your 
souls  in  the  classics ;  fill  your  minds 
with  HERBERT  SPENCER'S  Faerie 
(Jtiecne,  DAN  CHAUCER'S  Pilgrim's 
Progress,  BROWNING'S  Bordello,  WIL- 
LETT'S  Songs  before  Sunrise,  and  many 
other  of  the  superb  lyric  ebullitions 
in  which  our  lovely  language  is  BO 
rich." 


400 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


At  this  point  there  was  an  ominous 
break    in    the    golden    voice    of    the 
speaker,  and  suddenly,  with  a  despair- 
ing  mo  lie,   she    whispered    in   an   in- 
describably    pathetic      aside     to     Sir 
Canterbury  Lamb,  "  I  can't  go  on  with 
this;     it's    really    too    thick."      En 
couraged  by  the  Director's  assurances- 
she    struggled    on    for    a    few    more 
sentences,  only  to  break  down  hope 
lessly   in   an    interesting    passage,   it 
which  she  recommended  the  would-be 
prinia    donna    to    make    a    point    o 
reading  aloud  at  least  fifty  lines  every 
morning    from    PLATO'S    Republic    or 
ARISTOTLE'S    Ethics.      "  I   cannot   go 
on,"  she   cried  in   poignant  accents 
"  I  really  cannot  stick  it  out.     I  have 
never  referred  to  ARISTOTLE  in  public 
before  and  it  makes  me  too  nervous." 

The  consternation  amongst  the 
audience  was  most  painful  to  witness 
but  after  an  agonising  pause  the 
tension  was  relieved  by  Madame 
Brisbani's  kindly  consenting  to  sing 
the  mad  scene  from  AMBROISE 
THOMAS'S  Hamlet,  and  the  company 
shortly  afterwards  broke  up  in 
paroxysms  of  the  sincerest  adulation. 


PHANTASMS  OP  THE  LIVING. 

BY  the  courtesy  of  the  Editor  of  The 
Dictator  we  are  enabled  to  place  before 
our  readers  a  selection  from  the  letters 
on  this  enthralling  subject  which  will 
appear  in  the  next  issue  of  our  valued 
contemporary. 

A  FELINE  APPARITION. 

SIR, — When  I  was  an  undergraduate 
at  Balliol  in  the  late  sixties,  I  had  a 
favourite  cat,  a  Peruvian  tortoiseshell, 
which  suffered  from  ophthalmia,  and 
which  I  had  fitted  with  spectacles.  It 
could  see  perfectly  well  at  night,  but 
in  the  day  required  artificial  aid — as 
JOWETT  wittily  said,  rcdcunt  spectacula 
mane.  One  summer  term,  returning 
to  my-rooMis  late  at  night  after  a  soms- 
what  pro'.racted  bump  supper,  I  was 
amazed  to  see  my  eat  hovering  in  mid- 
air. I  called  to  it  by  name,  but  it  paid 
no  attention  and  suddenly  vanished. 
When  my  scout  came  in  the  morning 
I  at  once  asked  after  the  cat,  and 
he  informed  me  that  the  cat  had 
followed  him  home  the  evening  before 
and  spent  the  night  in  his  house. 
JOWETT  was  immensely  interested  in 
the  incident  and  intended  to  introduce 
it  into  the  notes  to  his  translation  of 
PLATO,  but  for  some  reason  or  other 
failed  to  carry  out  his  intention.  The 
cat,  I  may  mention,  lived  for  several 
years  afterwards,  and  in  extreme  old 
age  was  able  to  dispensewith  its  glasses. 
I  am,  Sir,  yours  faithfully, 

LEMUEL  LONGMIRB. 


[We  are  delighted  to  have  the 
opportunity  of  recording  an  authentic 
story  of  the  phantasm  of  a  cat.  The 
idea  of  a  cat  in  spectacles  may  sound 
odd,  but  have  wo  not  good  historical 
evidence  c.f  a  puss  in  boots?  The 
appearance  of  a  cit  in  mid-air  is  re- 
markable, but  ojcasioral  levitation 


HOW   EDWIN    SAVED  ANGELA  ;     OR, 
THE  STRAPHANGER'S   REWARD. 

She.  "On,  EDWIN  !  CAN  YOU  HOLD  ON  TILL 

HELP  ARRIVES  !" 

Edwin.  "My  DEAR,  EVERY  DAY  FOR  FOUR 

fEARS   I   HAVE  TRAVELLED   FROM   SHEPHERD'S 

Bu.sii   TO  TUB  BANK   AND   BACK.      THIS   is 

NOTHING  !  " 


ought  not  to  be  beyond  the  powers  of 
so  agile  and  intelligent  an  animal.  We 
seem  to  have  read  somewhere  of  a 
Peruvian  bark.  Had  Mr.  Longmire's 
cat,  we  wonder,  a  Peruvian  mew  ? — 
~!D.  Dictator.] 

THE  TRAGEDY  OF  A  CRUSTACEAN. 

SIR, — When  I  was  Secretary  to  the 
Chilian  Legation  at  Naples  I  had  a 
an:e  oyster  which  used  to  follow  me 


about  all  over  the  house,  and  feed  from 
my  hand,  emitting  faint  cries  of 
delight  when  I  inserted  a  particularly 
j  tasty  morsel  between  its  upper  and 
!  lower  mandible,  such  as  a  spoonful  of 
ice  pudding  or  a  chocolate  fondant. 
My  oyster — which  bore  a  silver  plate 
on  its  back,  inscribed  with  its  name 
(Lulu)  and  my  own — was  absent  one 
day,  and  was  apparently  lost,  but  as  I 
was  dressing  for  dinner  I  heard  a 
faint  squeak  from  the  floor,  and  found 
that  I  had  trodden,  as  I  believed,  on 
my  trusty  bivalve.  I  could  have 
sworn  to  its  presence,  as  it  always 
squeaked  on  the  note  of  C  sharp  in  nil, 
but  when  I  looked  there  was  nothing 
there.  Next  morning  a  fisherman 
brought  back  Lulu  stone  dead.  Hhe 
had  been  run  over  by  a  motor  car  the 
previous  evening  at  a  distance  of 
some  twelve  miles  from  the  Legation. 
I  am,  Sir,  yours  faithfully, 

ALFONSO  AGUARDIENTE. 

[We  always  thought  that  oysters 
were  mute,  but  no  doubt  in  the  land 
of  bel  canto  the  melodious  environ- 
ment may  work  wonders  on  the  organ- 
ism of  crustaceans. — ED.  Dictator.] 

GRIM  TALE  OF  THE  GOLF  L:NKS. 

SIR, — About  three  years  ago,  when 
I  was  playing  golf  on  some  well-known 
links  in  North  Wales,  on  mounting  the 
bunker  which  guards  the  Punch-bowl 
hole  I  was  startled  to  see  a  large  tiger 
crouching  on  the  green.  I  confess  that 
for  the  moment  I  was  paralysed  with 
fear,  but,  regaining  my  self-command, 
I  advanced  on  the  tiger,  waving  my 
niblick  and  singing  "Rule  Britannia." 
You  may  imagine  my  relief  when  the 
monster  melted  into  thin  air,  leaving 
no  trace  of  its  presence  but  a  slight 
tigerish  odour.  That  afternoon  I  learnt 
that  a  tiger  had  escaped  from  a  tra- 
velling menagerie  at  Bangor,  though  it 
was  captured  long  before  it  could  have 
made  its  way  to  the  links  in  question. 
I  am,  Sir,  yours  faithfully, 

PEREGRINE  PHIBBS. 

[We  congratulate  our  intrepid  corre- 
spondent on  his  fortunate  escape  from 
a  truly  awe-inspiring  predicament.  No 
one  can  say  that  Englishmen  are 
decadent  when  a  golfer  dares  to  face 
a  tiger  with  no  better  weapon  than 
a  niblick.  The  choice  of  "  Rule 
Britannia "  was  a  real  inspiration. 
May  we  hazard  the  conjecture  that 
the  tiger  was  attracted  to  the  spot  by  a 
natural  confusion  between  links  and 
lynx?— ED.  Dictator.] 

REMEDIES  FOR  COLOURED  RODENTS. 

SIE, — I  notice  that  one  of  your  corre- 
spondents recently  recommended  blue 
pill  as  a  remedy  for  seeing  pink  mice. 


MAY  31,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAUIVAIU. 


401 


But  what  should  the  antidote  be  when 
the  uiico  are  green  ? 

I  am,  Sir,  yours  faithfully, 

MOUKRYTH  DRINKKR. 
[This  is  a  very  proper  inquiry.  Per- 
haps one  of  our  scientific  readers  will 
supply  us  with  the  correct  answer. 
IVr, Anally,  we  have  never  seen  a  green 
mouse,  though  we  believe  blue  hares 
abound  in  the  Arctic  regions  —  ED. 

Dictator.] 

• 

MAUD. 

STRANGE  it  is  how  magic-laden 

Comes  to  every  minstrel's  ear 
Just  the  title  of  that  maiden 

\Yhom  he  deems  of  all  most  dear; 
Sophonisba,  Kate,  Eunice 

(Sweetest  sounds  on  earth  to  some), 
Leave  me  positively  icy ; 

Maud  induces  me  to  hum. 

Sovereign  word,  it  seems  to  strike  low 
Down  within  my  heart  a  key 

Touched  not  by  immense  Encyclo- 
paedia Britannicoe: 

Starry  word  of  wide  dominion, 
Language  by  its  side  is  wan 

(This  was  also  the  opinion 
Of  the  late  Lord  TENNYSON). 

Not  that  Maud  completely  smothers 

All  the  passion,  all  the  pain 
I  have  felt  for  countless  others, 

Beauties  of  a  brief-lived  reign, 
Christahels  and  Janes  and  Nancies; 

Not  that  I  can  fairly  say, 
"  These  were  but  ephemeral  fancies, 

Maud  's  the  genuine  O.K. ;  " 

No,  not  that ;  the  graven  memory 

Still  remains  of  many  a  queen 
(Just  a  wipe  or  s-o  with  emery 

Serves  to  make  the  tablet  clean), 
Fairer  possibly  in  feature, 

Fitter  for  the  poet's  lyre — 
Take,  e.g.  that  charming  creature, 

Polly  Jones  of  Brecknockshire ; 

Beautiful  young  things  by  dozens, 

Harking  backward,  I  can  count, 
Still  amongst  her  many  cousins 

Maud's  appeal  is  paramount ; 
Once  apiece  I  'vo  wooed  their  favours, 

Hers  was  empire  thrice  as  broad : 
There  were  three  distinct  enslavers 

Who  possessed  the  name  of  Maud. 
EVOE. 

CHECK-MATE. 

IN  the  old  days  the  game  was  diffi- 
cult enough  for  the  attacking  side.  My 
usual  opening  was  to  remark  upon  the 
passing  of  another  year,  and  the 
mcreaso  of  personal  expenses.  The 
first  move  of  the  defence  was  to  sit 
back  in  speechless  astonishment  at  the 
insolence  of  the  suggestion,  and  to  say 
"Pooh,  pooh."  It  being  my  turn 


Scot  (overcome  with  cosl'iness  of  Coronation  scats}.    "WEEL,  WEEL,  MAGGIE  ;   I  DOOT  THEY 
LONDON  BODIES  'LL  NO  HAGGLE  ABOOT  A  SAXI-ENCE  BACKWARDS  OB  FORRARDS." 


again,  I  might  perhaps  remark  upon 
the  long  years  of  my  service,  to  which 
he  would  reply  that  I  knew  very  well 
how  bad  trade  was  just  now,  but  that 
after  another  year  perhaps — and  a  look 
of  dreamy  benevolence  would  steal  into 
his  face.  But  I  would  ba  adamant;  I 
would  point  out,  by  the  aid  of  unmis- 
takable figures,  how  much  worse  trade 
would  have  been  but  for  my  labours, 
and  would  state  the  minimum  increase 
of  salary  I  could  accept — the  sum  men- 
tioned being  double  what  my  dearest 
hopes  aspired  to.  With  the  benevo- 
lence stealing  away  from  his  face,  he 
would  snappily  offer  one-third  of  my 
minimum,  which  I  would  reluctantly 
accept ;  and  my  wife  and  I  would 
spend  the  evening  at  the  theatre. 

By  some  such  methods  I  have  come 
to  acquire  an  income  enough  for  the 
necessities  of  life.  But  in  recent  years 
the  defence  has  had  new  moves  to  play, 
which  take  all  my  iYigpnuity  to  counter. 


Last  year  it  was  Form  IV.  This  year 
it  will  be  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  Insur- 
ance Scheme.  So  to-morrow — I  am 
dreading  to-morrow,  because  I  am  so 
afraid  he  may  suffer  injury  when  I 
answer  his  question  truthfully — ho  will 
ask,  "  What !  do  you  tell  me  you  're 
worth  as  much  per  annum  as  a  mem- 
ber of  the  House  of  Commons  ?  " 


From  The  Parish  Magazine  of  St. 
John  the  Evangelist,  Netting  Hill : — 

"PLEASE  PATRONISE  OUR  ADVERTISERS. 

FUNERALS  and  CREMATIONS  reverently  and 
efficiently  carried  out  under  the  personal 

supervision  of  Hr.  ,  assisted  by  a 

specially  trained  staff,  at  SIKICTLY  MODERATE 
CHARGES." 

"Mrs.  Forbes  -  Rotaitson  (Miss  Gertrude 
Elliott)  achieved  fame  as  independent  star  in 
'The  Daw  of  a  To-morrow.  —  The  Daily 
Telegraph. 

Or,  "Margery's  Second  Time  on 
Earth." 


402 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


THE    POINT    OF    VIEW. 

MY  mind,  such  as  it  was  (and  is) 
:  1 1  '0  make  itself  up  in  the  matter 
of  the  ii2nd  of  June,  hut  there  seemed  to 
he  no  reason  why  I  shouldn't  have  a 
non-committal  look  at  the  stand.  So 
I  stood  in  a  forest  of  planks  and  gave 
myself  up  once  more  to  the  problem. 

There  was  only  one  other  idler  in 
the  forest,  and  she  was  sitting  on 
Eow  C,  Block  A,  and  looking  so  cool 
and  comfortable  that  I  hadn't  the 
heart  to  disturb  her.  But  presently 
she  turned  in  my  direction  and  waved 
a  friendly  hand. 

••  \Vtll ?"  1  said,  when  I  had  made 
my  way  across  the  jungle. 

"  I  want  throe  seats  for  the  Corona- 
tion Procession,"  said  Miss  Middleton. 
"  It 's  a  secret." 

"  How  many  people  have  you  told  ?  " 

"  Everybody  in  an  apron  whom  you 
can  see,  but  they  never  let  it  get  any 
farther." 

"  These  are  all  carpenters.  Buy  a 
saw  or  something,  and  come  and  have 
tea  with  me.  You  oughtn't  to  be  wan- 
dering about  alone." 

"  1  've  got  Mother  somewhere."  She 
smiled  slowly  to  herself,  and  added, 
"  Mother  is  fun.  It 's  lovely  to  have 
her." 

"  You  must  keep  her,"  I  advised. 

"  She  asked  a  very  hot  man  with  a 
hammer  if  the  Coronation  Procession 
came  past  here."  Miss  Middleton 
gazed  up  at  the  army  of  workmen  busy 
on  tiers  and  tiers  of  seats,  and  sighed 
happily  to  herself.  "  He  was  very 
polite  about  it,  and  simply  said  that 
they  would  all  be  most  disappointed  if 
it  didn't." 

"  Of  course  it  might  take  the  wrong 
turning  by  mistake.  Who  leads  it ? 
It 's  a  most  responsible  position.  I 
expect  he  has  to  know  London  pretty 
well." 

"They  drive  him  over  the  course  the 
day  before,"  said  Miss  Middleton  con- 
fidently. "  Oh,  I  nearly  forgot,"  she 
went  on.  "  At  the  other  stand  Mother 
began,  '  I  want  to  see  some  seats."  It 
sounded  lovely.  If  she  had  said,  'I 
want  to  see  some  church ' — well,  she  is 
fun." 

"  At  the  other  stand  ?  Are  you  book- 
ing seats  in  every  stand  ?  Isn't  that 
rather  extravagant  ?  " 

"  We  never  get  as  far  as  booking  ;  I 
have  to  come  away  long  before  then. 
Where  do  you  think  she  is  now?  I 
suppose  I  ought  to  go  and  see." 

"  She 's  probably  gone  to  have  tea 
with  me.  We  'd  better  hurry  back  or 
we  shall  miss  her." 

"  Well,  we  did  sort  of  suggest  it  to 
each  other,  only  Mother  said  you 
mightn't  want  us." 


"  And  what  did  yon  say?  " 

"  I  said  you  'd  jolly  well  got  to 
have  us." 

We  made  our  way  out  of  the  stand 
and  turned  in  the  direction  of  my  rooms. 

"  We  'd  better  get  something  for 
tea,"  I  suggested.  "  Is  there  any  par- 
ticular kind  of  bun  that  Mrs.  Middleton 
likes  ?  " 

"  She  likes  just  what  I  like,"  said 
Miss  Middletou  quickly. 

\Yo  bought  a  lot  of  them  and  climbed 
slowly  ii])  the  stairs.  There  was  no 
trace  of  Mrs.  Middleton  on  the  way. 

"  She  isn't  here,"  said  Miss  Middleton, 
looking  round  the  room. 

"  Unless  she 's  hiding  behind  the 
revolving  'bookcase.  No,  no  luck." 

"  I  wonder  if  I  ought  to  stay." 

"  I  don't  see  what  I  can  do  with  the 
buns  if  you  don't." 

"  You  see,  I  'in  supposed  to  be  help- 
ing her  buy  seats  for  the  Coronation 
Procession."  She  looked  doubtfully 
at  me  and  then  smiled. 

"  Did  you  say  the  Coronation  Pro- 
cession ?  "  I  asked  suddenly. 

"  Yes,  that 's  what  I  said." 

"But,  my  dear  madam,  you  have 
come  to  the  very  man.  What  sort  of 
seats  did  you  want  ?  " 

"  Wooden  ones,"  said  Miss  Middle- 
ton,  "  with  splinters." 

"  Well,  of  course,  we  have  lots  of 
those.  But  what  do  you  say  to  a  nice 
window? 

"  A  window  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  will  let  you  my  little  win- 
dow." And  I  waved  a  hand  at  it. 

"  But  aren't  windows  very  ex- 
pensive ?  " 

"  N-no,  no  I  don't  think  so.  A 
thousand  guineas — or  five  pounds — or 
something  like  that.  Eefreshments 
included,  of  course." 

"  It 's  a  nice  lot  of  window,"  said 
Miss  Middleton,  looking  at  it. 

"  It 's  only  right  that  you  should 
sample  the  refreshments  too,"  I  said  as 
I  began  to  pour  out  the  tea. 

"  I  think  mother  would  love  it. 
May  I  have  a  bun  ?  " 

"  Seeing  that  buns  would  be  going 
all  the  time,"  I  said  as  I  handed  her 
the  plate,  "  I  consider  a  thousand 
guineas  cheap." 

"That  would  be  for  the  22nd  and 
the  23rd?" 

"  Yes.  After  the  23rd  we  should 
make  a  slight  reduction." 

Miss  Middleton  ate  and  drank 
thoughtfully  for  a  little. 

"I  suppose,"  she  said,  taking  another 
bun,  "you'd  be  having  the  window 
cleaned  about  then  ?  " 

"  Bother,  I  hoped  you  wouldn't 
notice  that.  The  fact  is,  you  've  just 
corns  on  the  wrong  year.  Now  last 
year But  I  dare  say  I  could  come 


to  some  special  arrangement  with  my 
landlord  about  it." 

Miss  Middleton  went  to  it  and 
looked  out. 

"  But  how  funny,"  she  said.  "  I 
didn't  know  the  procession  went  past 
here." 

"  It  doesn't,"  I  admitted. 

"  That  is  rather  against  it,"  she  said 
regretfully. 

"  Of  course  I  should  ba  prepared  to 
take  that  into  consideration,  if  you 
feel  at  all  strongly  about  it.  Suppose 
we  say  eight  hundred  guineas." 

"Well,  I'll  mention  it  to  Mother, 
but  I  'm  afraid— you  see,  she 's  so 
particular." 

"  It 's  only  two  hundred  yards  from 
the  route.  She  '11  be  able  to  hear 
everything." 

Miss  Middleton  smiled  suddenly  be- 
hind her  hat,  as  she  bent  over"  her 
glove  buttons.  Then  she  smoothed  out 
her  frock,  looked  wistfully  at  the  last 
bun  and  announced  that  she  was  ready. 

"  I  'm  sorry  we  couldn't  arrange 
about  the  seats,"  she  said  as  we  went 
into  the  street  again.  "But  it  was  nice 
of  you  to  help  Mother  and  me." 

"  I  esteem  it  a  great  privilege,''  I 
said,  "  to  have  besn  of  any  assistance 
to  Mrs.  Middleton  at  a  time  like  this. 
Let 's  see,  ichcrc  did  wo  leave  her  ?  " 

A.  A.  M. 


THE  DANDELION. 

WHEN  through  the  dusk  the  white  owl 
weaves 

His  web  above  the  wood, 
When  you  can  hear  the  little  leaves 
Whisper  together  thick  as  thieves, 

Then,  if  you  should 
Try  to  discover  or  find  out 
What  waves  the  baby-ferns  about, 

Why  (we  are  told) 
The  fairies  pass,  a  little  band 
Of  little  men  from  Fairyland, 

Green-kerchiefed,  brown  and  old  ; 
They  cross  the  moonlight,  quiet,  quaint;, 
Up  the  dark  meadow,  just  to  paint 

The  Dandelion  gold  1 

The  Dandelion 's  fierce  and  free, 

But  still  we  always  find, 
Although  he 's  fierce  as  fierce  can  be, 
And  prouder  than  the  tallest  tree, 

He  doesn't  mind 
Their  paint   a   bit,  Ibut  spreads  each 

spine, 
Just  like  a  spikey  porcupine 

Of  "  coral  strands  "  ; 
And,  when  they  've  done,  with  pomp 

he  views 
A  crest  that  beats  the  cockatoo's, 

That  's  golder  than  the  sands. 
Oh,  let  us  likewise  hail  with  zest 
Those  who  would  dress  us  in  our  best 

And  wash  our  face  and  hands  1 


J 


MAY   31,   1911.] 


PUNCH,    OR   TIIK   LONDON   CIlAIil VAItf. 


403 


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404 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


Earnest  Speaker  (more  eloquent  thin  truthful).  "AND  I  ASK  you,  ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  TAKE  THIS  LYINQ  DOWN}' 
Voice  from  audience.  "No;   THIS  EEPOUTEBS  AKE  DOING  THAT." 


ALL    THE    PEEPAEATIONS. 

(By  our  own   Special  French   Correspondent, 
M.  Jules  Millefois.) 

DEAB  AND  VERY  HOXOUEED  CoNBROTHER, — First  I  give 
you  to  understand  I  am  not  man  to  mix  myself  of  the  affairs 
which  are  not  mine.  I  should  be  worthy  to  be  flanked  to 
the  door.  But  this  which  you  are  preparing  in  London, 
this  Crownment  of  the  KING  GEORGE  and  of  the  QUEEN 
MARY,  it  h  the  affair  of  all  the  world.  Everybody  can  to 
rejoice  himself  in  it,  and  we  other  Frenches  perhaps  more 
than  all.  So  I  have  the  honour  to  say  to  you  that  I  accept 
your  obligeante  offer.  Only  we  will  not  say  five  guinses 
for  a  letter.  After  all  what  is  it  a  guinee  ?  Who  serves 
himself  of  a  guinee  ?  It  is  a  piece  abolished  in  England 
and  we  do  not  know  her  in  France.  Lot  us  say  more-soon 
two  hundred  francs.  Is  it  convened  ?  Good  1  Then  I 
have  the  heart  free  and  I  can  commence. 

Quant  to  my  style  I  forecome  you  that  it  is  my  style  to 
me  and  it  is  not  th3  style  of  the  first  come.  They  teach  us 
English  at  the  Lycec.  Bah,  I  mock  myself  of  it.  It  is  not 
like  that  what  ona  can  learn  to  interhold  himself  in  a 
stranger  language.  All  what  I  know  I  have  insigned  me 
myself,  it  is  well  the  case  to  say  it,  and  now  I  speak  and 
write  more  curramently  than  my  compatriots. 

But  to  the  work ! 

I  have  a  chamber  to  couch  all  near  of  the  Strand,  not 
an  appartement,  well  understood,  but  an  all  small  gite 
where  I  have  the  honour  to  repose  myself  on  your 
count,  my  clear  Mister,  and  to  write  my  letters.  It  is 
not  big  thing,  but  in  fine  it  is  s  jffisant.  The  lady  of  the 


lodges  is  Mistress  McAndrew,  real  type  of  the  Scotch  race, 
meagre,  dry,  flat,  to  the  tint  brown  and  to  the  hairs  eparsed. 
I  cannot  understand  her,  but  in  revenge  she  cannot  under- 
stand me  no  more.  Done  we  are  quits.  She  goveins  all 
the  house.  Her  married  man  dares  not  find  nothing  to 
resay  to  it.  He  is  a  gross  buflle,  tall,  to  the  shoulders 
squared,  to  the  red  favorits  and  to  the  crane  bald,  but  of  a 
baldness  to  inrhume  oneself,  bald  as  a  morsel  of  ice. 
There  are  two  childs,  a  girl  of  fourteen  years  named  Dolly, 
of  a  figure  full  of  taches  of  redness,  nose  retrussed  and 
teeth  like  tombeaus.  -The  boy  has  twelve  years,  a  young 
John  Bull  of  the  most  accentuated.  He  names  himself  Bil£ 
and  has  taken  me  in  aversion.  At  that  I  yield  him  nothing. 
This  morning  I  hear  these  two  who  quarrel  themselves  on 
the  staircase.  They  bat  themselves,  they  push  some 
terrible  howlments.  They  go  to  it  at  cups  of  fist.  It  is  as 
if  one  had  lashed  the  demons  of  the  infer.  Mistress 
McAndrew  is  in  the  kitchen  and  cannot  hear.  Mister 
McAndrew  is  in  the  cabaret.  Me,  I  have  well  guard  to 
sort,  occupied  as  I  am  in  redacting  a  letter  to  my  aunt  in 
Paris.  They  bat  themselves  pending  five  minutes,  and 
then  I  hear  them  who  laugh  and  then  they  chuchote 
together.  But  I  hear  them.  They  conspire  to  make 
tumble  something  on  my  head  in  sorting.  "Ah,  little 
scelerats,"  I  outcry  me,  "you  will  not  dare!"  and  they 
laugh  again  and  esquive  themselves.  What  a  country 
where  the  youngness  manks  of  respect  to  the  more  aged  1 
All  to  you  of  friendship, 

JULES  MILLEFOIS. 


A  SEPARATION  SUIT:    The  Harem  Skirt. 


PUNCH,  OR  TUB  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— MAT  31,  1911. 


MASTER  OF  THE   SITUATION. 

WALRUS,  M.P.  "THE   TIME  HAS  COMB,  AS  I  REMARKED, 

TO  TALK  OF    MANY  THINGS " 

COMONATION  CAEPENTER.  "  WELL,   NOBODY  'LL  LISTEN   TO  YOU,  IIP  YOU  DO.     MINE  'S  THE 
ONLY    NOISE    THEY    CARE    ABOUT    JUST    NOW." 


31,  1'Jll.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


:'•  7 


THE 

WINTERTON 
SURPRISE  BEARD": 


ESSENCE     OF      PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED  FKOM  THE  DIAI-.Y  OK  TOUT,  M.P. 


THE  "WINSTON  DEMOCRATIC; 


INGRATIATE 
TH6 
WTTH  THE 

PROLETARIATE) 


THE 

GREY-AND-WHITE 

AVIATION  "  BEARD  : 

rFLOWS  GRftCEFWU-Y   IN   GOiNO 
*  AGAINST  THE   WIND) 


THE  NONCONFORMIST | 
NANNYGOATEE" 

(FOR.  PRIME  MINISTERS) 


THE  U  'WIMBLEDON 
HOBBLE'-  BEARD  ••• 

PROTECTION 


VERV 


CORONATION    BEARDS-(NO.    I). 

There  is  a  fascinating  rumour  that,  as  a  compliment  to  the  Kixo,  many  gentlemen  intend  to  grow  beards  during  the  Coronation  Year. 
Politically,  the  possibilities  are  most  alluring,  and  our  Artist  proposes  to  anticipate  (more  or  less  intelligently)  a  few  of  tl.ein. 
(Mr.  A.  BALFOUB,  Lord  WIXTEIITOX,  Mr.  ASQUITH,  Mr.  WINSTON  CHUUCHILL,  and  Mr.  II.  CHAPLIS.) 


House  of  Commons,  llfonday,  May  22. 
— Great  happenings  in  progress  and 
to  the  fore.  To-night  Lords  without 
a  division  passed  second  reading  of 
Bill  abolishing  their  hereditary  right 
to  serve  their  country  as  legislators. 
To-morrow  they  will  have  introduced 
to  their  favourable  notice  another  mea- 
sure destroying  their  right  of  Veto. 
In  the  Commons  two  days  of  the 
week  have  been  set  apart  for  second 
reading  of  National  Insurance  Bill, 
which,  supplementing  the  boon  of  Old 
Age  Pensions,  will  bring  light  and 
warmth  to  countless  homes. 

Amid  this  whirl  of  events  House  of 
Commons,  faithful  microcosm  of  public 
opinion,  can  attend  to  only  one  thing 
at  a  time.  To-day  it  is  the  prospect 
of  having  its  pocket  filled  with  salary 
of  £400  a  year.  Satisfaction  keener 
since  the  abundance  of  the  blessing 


unexpected.  Sum  first  fixed  upon  was 
£300.  Almost  at  last  moment,  certainly 
within  two  days  of  Budget  speech,  extra 
£100  thrown  in. 

This  full  of  hopeful  augury.  Amid 
cloud  of  questions  addressed  to 
CHANCELLOR  to-night  BONAB  LAW 
suggested  salary  should  be  doubled. 
LLOYD  GEORGE,  who,  having  mastered 
Golf,  is  learning  Bridge,  answered  in 
effect :  "  I  leave  it  to  you,  partner." 
As  he  pointed  out,  control  of  Finance 
is  in  hands  of  the  House,  and  if 
Members  wish  to  double,  or  even  treble, 
their  salaries  it  is  their  affair. 

He  might  have  added  quotation  of  a 
precedent  for  such  course.  Members 
of  the  French  Chamber  were  originally 
in  receipt  of  salaries  of  9,000  francs  a 
year,  equal  to  something  like  £360  of 
our  money.  Four  years  ago  a  Member 
of  the  Left  moved  to  increase  the 


indcmnM  to  15,000  francs,  an/jlicc 
£600.  On  a  snapped  division  the 
motion  was  carried,  and  is  in  vogue 
to-day.  The  principle  accepted,  what 
has  been  done  in  Paris  may  be  brought 
about  in  London. 

Meanwhile,  the  £400  as  good  as 
pouched,  Members  already  asking  for 
more.  Why  not  free  passes?  The  wily 
WEDGWOOD,  totting  up  figures,  comes 
to  conclusion  that  if  Eailway  Managers 
are  so  unpatriotic,  so  soulless,  as  to 
refuse  to  supplement  beneficence  of 
taxpayers  by  the  bounty  of  share- 
holders a  good  bargain  would  be  struck 
if  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER 
in  leisure  moments  would  negotiate 
purchase  of  first-class  passes  available 
on  all  the  railways  of  the  Kingdom  on 
payment  of  £100  a  year  docked  from 
Members'  wages.  As  the  wary  WEDG- 
WOOD whispered  to  Members  near  him, 


408 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


the  sum  individually  disbursed  would 
actu.illy  be  something  less  than  a  £100. 
The  other  night  Members  heard  with 
disappointment  deepening  to  disgust, 
announcement  by  CHANCELLOR  OF 
KXCHKQUEH  that  Income  Tax  would 
be  deducted  from  their  salaries. 

"  Very  •  well,"  says  WEDGWOOD  to 
MORHELL,  who  has  tempoiarily  quitted 
his  residence  in  the  area.  "  You  see 
how  it  works.  Income  tax  on  £100 
at  current  ruinous  rato  is  £5  16s.  8d. 
Accordingly  we  shall  be  paying  for  our 
passes  not  a  £100,  but  £94  3s.  4rf. 
See  ?  " 

MORRELL  said  he  would  like  to  think 
it  over  and  went  back  to  solitude  of  his 
area  to  do  so. 

Business  doni. — Members,  elate  with 
prospect  of  riches  beyond  the  dream 
of  avarice,  begau  week  by  giving  them- 
selves half-holiday.  Budget  Resolu- 
tions brought  up  on  Report  stage. 
Usually  occupies  two  or  three  days, 
frequently  a  whole  week.  To-night 
House  up  shortly  after  half-past  six, 
not  only  having  disposed  of  Resolu- 
tions but  read  Finance  Bill  a  first  time. 

Tuesday. — Like  head  of  Charles  I. 
in  Mr.  Dick's  memorial,  question  of 
payment  of  Members  thrusts  itself 
in  at  unexpected  times  and  places. 

BfiNNETT-GOLDNEY   asks    CHAIRMAN  OF 

KITCHEN  COMMITTEE  whether,  in  view 
of  changed  conditions  following  on  pay- 
ment of  Members,  the  cost  of  meals 
will  be  placed  on  a  more  businesslike 
footing.  MARK  LOCKWOOD,  assuming 
the  lofty  judicial  manner  pertaining  to 
his  high  office,  cautiously  answered 
that,  when  the  changes  alluded  to 
become  law,  he  will  endeavour  to  find 
out  whether  Members  desire  to  spend 
an  increased  portion  of  their  income  on 
food. 

Hereupon  the  greedy  disposition 
developed  by  the  unfortunate  pledge 
to  which  Ministers  have  committed 
themselves  manifested  itself  afresh. 
BUBDETT-COUTTS  wanted  to  know 
whether  arrangements  could  not  be 
made  whereby  free  lunches  might  be 
served  in  the  dining-room.  KILBRIDK 
followed  with  what  appeared  irrelevant 
suggestion  that,  with  a  view  to  deco- 
rating the  tables  of  the  dining-room, 
the  Government  should  secure  the 
return  of  the  Dublin  Castle  Crown 
Jewels.  House,  seeming  to  find  per- 
sonal point  in  this  dark  saying,  laughed 
oonsumedly.  LOCKWOOD  obdurate.  No 
free  lunches — at  least  for  the  present. 

Business  done. — Irish  Votes  in  Com- 
mittee of  Supply. 

Thursday. — Present  House  did  not 
know  its  GALLOWAY  WEIB.  Since  its 
election  his  attendance,  once  constant, 
became  fitful.  Within  last  fortnight 
there  appeared  on  the  paper  questions 


in  his  name.  But  when  SPEAKER 
called  on  him  there  was  no  response. 
A  majority  had  arisen  that  knew  not 
GALLOWAY.  His  old  inimitable  in- 
describable humour,  the  delight  of 
earlier  Parliaments,  was  out  of  date  and 
place.  Gradually  he  withdrew  from 
the  uncongenial  scene.  And  now  he  is 
dead. 

With  him  pass?s  away  one  of  those 
rare  characters,  familiar  in  varied  de- 
velopments, which  prosaic  Parliaments 
of  later  days  have  lost  the  art  of  creat- 
ing and  culturing.  Mr.  WEIR  was  not 
funny  of  deliberate  purpose.  He  was, 
indeed,  absolutely  devoid  of  sense  of 
humour.  Wherein  lay  the  secret  of 
his  long  success.  To  the  world  whose 
personal  knowledge  was  confined  to 


A  MEMORY  OF  ME.  GALLOWAY  WEIR. 

newspaper  reports  of  his  sayings  it 
was  ever  a  marvel  that  the  House 
should  roar  with  laughter  at  appar- 
ently pointless  remarks.  His  success 
was,  perhaps,  largely  to  be  accounted 
for  on  the  score  of  paternal  vanity. 
In  appearance  and  manner  one  of  the 
solemnest  of  mankind,  inspired  solely 
by  honest  desire  to  serve  the  interests 
of  his  constituency,  the  House  insisted 
upon  regarding  him  as  a  humorist. 
Having  adopted  the  fancy  it  persisted 
in  living  up  to  it,  laughing  merrily 
whenever  the  man  from  Ross  and 
Cromarty  rose  to  put  a  question  to 
the  Scotch  Minister. 

Often  he  had  half-a-dozen  in  suc- 
cession, the  series  submitted  with 
increasing  solemnity  of  tone  and 
severity  of  mien.  The  level  of  interest 
of  his  interrogations  did  not  soar 
higher  than  the  state  of  the  drains  at 
Pitlochrie,  the  tardy  arrival  of  a  train 
on  a  Highland  railway,  the  postpone- 
ment by  forty  minutes  of  delivery  of 


a  telegram  to  a  fishmonger  in  Cromarty, 
or  the  alleged  laches  of  revenue-cutters 
whose  duty  it  was  to  prevent  the 
intrusion  of  foreign  fishing-boats. 

It  was  Mr.  WEIR'S  way  of  putting 
the  question  that  captivated  the  House. 
Slowly  rising'  in  response  to  the 
STEAKER'S  call,  for  the  moment  no 
sound  issued  from  his  lips  Survey- 
ing the  waiting  throng,  ho  drew  forth 
hie  pince-ne*  and  with  majestic  sweep 
o£  his  right  arm  placed  it  on  his 
nose.  Another  pause,  during  which 
went  forward  process  occasionally  de- 
scribed in  this  rigid  record  of  facts  as 
drawing  up  by  hidden  hydraulic 
machinery  his  voice,  habitually  located 
in  his  boots.  In  due  time  through 
the  hushed  Chamber  resounded  a  deep 
chest-note  slowly  enunciating  the 
words,  "Mr.  SPEAKER,  Sir;  I  beg  to 
ask  the  Right  Hon.  Gentleman,  the 
SECRETARY  FOE  SCOTLAND,  ques-ti-on 
No.  79." 

By  way  of  increasing  importance  of 
occasion  ho  always  made  "  question  " 
a  word  of  three  syllables. 

Nor  did  he,  having  put  his  question, 
forthwith  drop  into  his  seat  as  others 
use.  With  another  sweep  of  the  arm 
he  removed  the  pince-nez,  glanced 
round  to  watch  the  effect  of  his 
interposition,  and,  slowly  subsiding, 
stared  haughtily  at  Members  rolling 
about  on  their  seats  in  ecstasy  at  a  i 
little  comedy  that  never  palled. 

Such  were  his  mannerisms.  In  the 
man  there  must  have  been  sterling 
merit.  Representative  of  the  crofters 
of  Ross  and  Cromarty,  whilst  others 
standing  higher  in  public  esteem 
lost  their  seats  in  1892,  he  kept  his 
with  increased  majority.  At  the  last 
General  Election  he  was  returned 
unopposed. 

Business  done — Second  Reading  of 
National  Insurance  Bill  moved. 


The  New  Confetti. 

"Cut-glass,  china,  furniture,  and  all  sorts  of 
useful  and  ornamental  gifts  were  showered  upon 
the  happy  coup'e." — Oban  Times. 


From  a  railway  company's  booklet : 
"  The  chitf  attraction  of  the  Ctast  Line  is 
its  proximity  to  the  sea." 

Not  always ;    not  at  Southend,  for  in- 
stance. 


"  H   LL    ELECTION 
PETITION    BEGUN." 

Daily  Chronicle. 

We  thought  better  of  our  contemporary. 


Commercial  Candour. 

"Two  Large  EXTORTION  MIRRORS,  suitable 
for  exhibitions,  &e. :  must  sell  ;  bargain.  — 
Advt.  in  "Manchester  Guardian." 


M\v  :il,  1911.1 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


40<J 


DICKENS    POKT-MARKS. 

1  >I:AK  MR.  PUNCH,— Having  chanced, 
in  a  recent  re-perusal  of  Tin:  I'n,;/ 
hiiintiiix  1'iijicrs  of  the.  Pickwick  Club, 
upon  a  few  passages  that  provoked  a 
marginal  query  or  comment,  I  venture 
to  send  some  of  them  to  you,  knowing 
that  your  readers  aro  one  and  all 
sealed  of  tin;  tribe  of  Boz.  I  copy  them 
in  the  order  in  which  I  find  them. 

Chapter  I.  Surely  it  is  rather  a  pity 
that  DICKKNS  never  re-wrote  this  open- 
ing. Everything  changed  so  quickly 
after  it — humanity  swept  in  and  farce 
hurried  out — that  it  is  almost  a  blot. 
Nothing,  for  example,  in  Mr.  Pickivick's 
after-life  suggests  that  lie  was  ever 
interested  in  the  tittlebats  of  the 
liampstead  Ponds. 

DICKENS,  of  course,  had  comic  sport- 
ing pictures  to  live  up  to  at  the  start. 
SEYMOUR,  their  artist,  soon  died  and 
left  him  free.  This  makes  it  the  more 
strange  that  he  never  re-shaped  the 
beginning.  Nothing  but  bis  genius  can 
atone  for  it.  Had  he  done  so  he  would 
have  told  us  more  to  explain  the  attrac- 
tion— by  no  means  patent— that  Mr. 
Tupman,  Mr.  Snodgrass,  and  Mr. 
Winkle  had  for  Mr.  Pickwick. 

Question. — Why  is  Mr.  Snodgrass 
called  a  poet  ?  Why  was  no  specimen 
of  his  poetry  given  ? 

Question. — What  had  been  .Mr.  Pick- 
wick's business  ? 

Chapter  II.  Had  he  revised  the 
book,  DICKENS  would  have  got  more 
reality  into  the  following  passage. 
Mr.  Jingle  is  speaking: — 
.  "  'Here,  waiter! ' "  shouted  the  stran- 
ger, ringing  the  bell  with  tremendous 
violence,  '  glasses  round — brandy-and- 
water,  hot  and  strong,  and  sweet,  and 
plenty. — Eye  damaged,  sir? — Waiter! 
raw  beef-steak  for  the  gentleman's 
eye. — Nothing  like  raw  beef-steak  for 
a  bruise,  sir:  cold  lamp-post  very  good, 
but  lamp-post  inconvenient-^damned 
odd  standing  in  the  open  street  half  an 
hour  with  your  eye  against  a  lamp- 
post, eh— very  good — ha,  ha ! '  And 
the  stranger,  without  stopping  to  take 
breath,  swallowed  at  a  draught  full 
half  a  pint  of  the  reeking  brandy-and- 
water,  and  flung  himself  into  a  chair 
with  as  much  ease  as  if  nothing  un- 
common had  occurred." 

Now,  the  terrific  speed  of  Jingle's 
utterances  is  always  insisted  upon, 
which  gives  no  time  whatever  for  the 
preparation  of  hot  brandy  and  water 
for  four  gentlemen  during  the  actual 
progress  of  this  speech. 

Chapter  IV.  We  owe  the  unfortun- 
ate predicament  of  the  Pickwickians 
at  the  Review  entirely  to  the  original 
and  false  scheme  of  the  book. 

Is  it  credible  that  Mr.  Wardlc  ever 


Girl  (selling  bunches  of  mint,  Jutting  followed  old  gent  duicn  thiee  slreeta).   "  'EKB,  AIN'T  YOU 

COIN'  TO  BUY  ANY?" 

Old  Gait.  "ME  I    GREAT  HEAVEXS,  WHAT  SHOULD  /  WANT  WITH  IT?" 
Girl  (aggrieved).  "WELL,  WHAT  DID  YOU  WANT  TO  LOOK  AT  IT  FOE?" 


had  been,  as  lie  says  he  was,  an 
occasional  guest  of  the  Pickwick  Club  ? 

Chapter  V.  How  did  the  Pick- 
wickians' luggage  get  to  the  Manor 
Farm,  Dingley  Dell  ? 

Cliapter  VII.  DICKENS  was  no 
cricketer. 

Chapter  X.  What  was  the  status 
of  Miss  Rachel  Wardlc  on  returning  to 
the  Manor  Farm  ?  It  is  significant 
that  she  is  not  there  when  the  Pick- 
wickians return  from  Cheshire. 

Chapter  XI.  I  fancy  that  the  anti- 
quarian discovery  was  a  piece  of  old 
copy  in  DICKENS'S  pigeon-holes  before 
he  began  this  book,  and  he  took  this 
opportunity  for  working  it  off. 

Chapter  XII.  All  deadweight  and 
lumber  have  been  thrown  overboard 
now.  The  great  epic  begins  here  and 
never  again  falters. 

Chapter  XV.     Will  no  one  write  a 


specimen  chapter  or  so  of  Count  Smorl- 
tork's  book  ?  This  chapter  gives  the 
best  opportunity  for  one  of  Mr.  Snod- 
grass's  poems — a  complimentary  ad- 
dress to  Mrs.  Leo  Hunter. 

Chapter  XXII.  How  did  Mr.  Pick- 
wick come  to  have  his  nightcap  with 
him? 

Chapter  XXV.  Here  DICKENS  nods 
badly  in  the  matter  of  chronology,  for, 
after  stating  that  the  rebellious  school- 
boys of  Ipswich  had  dispersed  to  cricket, 
he  makes  the  Pickwickians  separate 
for  a  few  days  only  before  spending 
Christmas  at  Wardle's. 

Chapter  XXXI.  Would  so  astute  a 
lawyer  as  Mr.  Perker  showed,  himself 
in  the  Eatanswill  elections  have  briefed 
Mr.  Phunky  at  all  ? 

These  are  of  course  only  spots  on  a 
glorious — to  my  mind,  increasingly 
glorious — sun.  Yours,  A.  B.  C. 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  MARGARET  CATCHPOLE." 

To  my  regret — for  it  contained  a  part 
peculiarity  adapted  to  Mr.  LAURENCE 
IRVING'S  best  manner — there-  would 
seem  to  have  been  features  in  his  last 
enterprise,  The  Lily,  which  made  it 
miss  popular  success.  The  last  time 
I  saw  it  the  audience  was  thin  and 
stony.  So  now,  in  Margaret  Catchpole 
(one  haci  almost  said  Catchvote)  he  has 
gone  all  out,  with  a  candour  that 
savours  of  cynicism,  for  the  suffrages 
of  the  less  expensive  seats.  Sitting  in 
j  the  last  row  of  the  stalls,  where  the 
enthusiasm  of  the  pit  took  me  full  in 


the  back  of  the  neck,  I 
his  triumph  in  that 
quarter.  I  was  not  in 
an  equally  good  posi- 
tion for  gauging  the 
emotion  of  the  stalls, 
but  I  shall  allow  my- 
self to  doubt  if  the 
Higher  Intelligences 
will  be  appeased  with 
this  melodrama.  For 
melodrama  it  con- 
fessedly is,  and  Mr. 
LAUBENCE  IEVING 
means  that  you  should 
know  it  as  such,  and 
not  mistake  it  for  ro- 
mantic drama.  To  this 
end  he  has  set  forth, 
on  an  old-fashioned 
broadsheet,  an  epitome 
of  events,  thus : — •'  Will 
Laud  is  drowned  "  (ho 
wasn't  really) — "  Mar- 
garet's anguish  — 
'Alone,  alone  in  the 
world — alone,  alone  I ' " 
And  again;  "The 
Struggle  on  the  Cliff. 
Hilrled  to  Destruction. 


can  vouch  for 


this  episode,  but  whether  she  "  sat " 
for  the  second  I  cannot  say,  the  pace 
of  the  gallant  horse  being  such  that  I 
failed  to  trace  the  icbntity  of  his  rider. 
But  if  she  did  leave  this  feat  to  an 
understudy,  she  shirked  little  else  in 
a  very  brave  and  exhausting  per- 
formance. She  was  at  top  pressure 
all  the  time,  and  if  it  had  been 
asked  of  her  I  am  confident  that 
sli3  would  have  committed  before 
our  eyes  that  deed  of  heroism  (what- 
ever it  was,  for  I  missed  the  particulars) 
which  earned  for  her — an  escaped  con- 
vict— one  hundred  guineas,  a  casket  to 
bank  them  in,  and  the  public  thanks  of 
Sir  Lucius  Cracknel!,  Governor  of 
New  South  Wales.  1  dare  not  say 


AFTER  A  DAY'S  SPORT  WITH  THE  CINEMATOGRAPH. 

Miss  MABEL  HACKNEY. 
Miss  AMY  FANCHETTE. 


Margaret  Calchjtoh 
Ho  less 


'  Ahoy !  Ahoy ! '  Safety  for  Margaret 
and  Jim  ....  The  tangled  skein  of 
years  at  last  unravelled.  The  path  of 
life  opened  to  loving  feet." 

The  full  style  of  the  play  is 
"  A  new,  exciting,  vivacious  and 
Spectacular  Drama,  entitled  The  Life 
and  Adventures  of  Margaret  Catch- 
pole."  And  indeed  it  is  all  this,  being 
founded  upon  a  career  unusually 
coloured  by  romantic  adventure.  To 
cope  with  its  vivacity  Mr.  IRVING  had 
to  invoke  the  aid  of  the  cinematograph, 
an  animated  tableau,  and  two  inani- 
mate pictures  of  Australian  scenery. 
The  cinematograph  presented  Margaret 
Catchpole  committing  her  historic 
theft  of  "  Crop,"  and  riding  him,  full 
gallop,  in  groom's  attire  and  posture, 
from  Ipswich  to  Lambeth. 

Miss  MABEL    HACKNEY  apparently 
|  figured  in  person  in  the  first  part  of 


how  many  costumes,  male  and  female, 
she  wore — a  feature  in  her  performance 
to  which  Mr.  IRVING  made  poignant 
reference  in  a  pleasant  First-night 
Speech.  But  this  was  only  a  small 
part  of  her  task ;  she  carried  the  whole 
play  on  her  nice  shoulders,  and  was 
always  charming,  sweet-voiced  and 
natural,  except  when  she  had  from 
time  to  time  an  attack  of  rhetoric ;  and 
that  was  no  fault  of  hers. 

Mr.  IBVING  was  content  to  efface  him- 
self in  a  part  (that  of  a  common  Surrey- 
side  villain),  on  which  his  sensitive 
intelligence  was  thrown  away.  Mr. 
GODFREY  TEARLE,  as  a  sham  hero 
with  an  amateur  taste  for  smuggling, 
played  with  restraint,  and  escaped 
the  terrible  charge  of  "  breeziness." 
He  made  a  good  figure,  but  will  have 
to  do  something  with  his  own  well- 
kempt  head  of  hair,  which  was  out  of  the 


picture.  Much  relief  to  our  nervous 
tension  was  afforded  by  the  quiet  but 
sailorly  humour  of  Mr.  FIELD  FISHER, 
who,  first  as  a  smuggler  and  then — 
after  his  services  had  been  secured  by 
the  press-gang — as  a  gallant  tar  in  the 
fighting  Navy  of  KING  GEORGE  III., 
was  always  a  godsend.  So  was  Mr. 
PERCY  NASH,  as  Philip,  a  footman  with 
leanings  towards  pedantic  phraseology 
and  other  aspirations.  (To  him  we 
owe  the  information,  conveyed  with 
a  fine  dignity,  that  Australia  is  '.'in 
the  Hantipodes.")  It  was  a  happy 
chance  that  brought  so  many  old 
favour!  ties  together  again  in  the  final 
Act  in  the  house  of  the  Governor  of 
New  South  Wales,  for  they  had  all 
been  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Ipswich  when 
we  saw  them  last.  Even 
Miss  AMY  FANCHETTE, 
the  buxom  and  sym- 
pathetic hostess  of  the 
Dog  and  Bone  at  Lam- 
beth, reappeared  out 
there  (unless  my  eyes 
deceived  me)  in  a  differ- 
ent rdle  and  with  her 
name  thinly  disguised 
in  the  programme.  I 
hardly  doubt  that  the 
villain  and  the  false 
hero  would  have  been 
prepared  to  turn  up  too, 
only  they  were  both 
lying  dead  at  the  foot 
of  a  cliff  on  the  coast  of 
East  Anglia.  That,  by 
the  way,  was  a  great 
struggle  on  the  cliff's 
edge ;  but  the  argu- 
ments with  which  it 
was  punctuated  were 
ill-judged.  It  was  no 
time  nor  place  for  dia- 
lectics. 

Altogether,  if  we  except  the  Austra- 
lian appendix,  which  seemed  rather 
loosely  attached,  the  play  went  very 
well,  with  a  swift  and  easy  action ;  and, 
for  what  it  set  out  to  be,  offered  an 
exceptionally  small  scope  for  ridicule. 
All  the  same  I  have  my  fears  for  its 
future;  for  Melodrama  has 
recognized  haunts;  and  of 
these  is  the  address  to  be  found  in 
St.  Martin's  Lane.  When,  therefore, 
I  wish  success  to  Mr.  LAURENCE 
IRVING'S  adventure — as  who  does  not  ? 
— the  relation  of  my  thought  to  that 
wish  is  of  a  strictly  filial  character. 

By  the  way,  I  must  find  out  where 
the  Duke  of  York  management  gets  its 
candles  from.  I  want  some  liko  them 
—like  those  two  in  the  First  Act, 
which  were  stuck  in  stone  bottles.  I 
had  not  noticed  their  illuminative 
power  till  they  were  extinguished  (it  is 


own 
none  ot 


MAY  31,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


411 


Lady  (put  wtih  a  "KratcA"  taclc  of  OUerluninds).  "HAVSM'I  IH*Y  aoi  SOMB  JUMD  o»  u.s*|    TIIEK'RS  ALWAYS  Givixo  10x00*, 

AN  Y  W  AT* 

Sportsman.  "On,  NO;   THAT'S  ONLY  THI  STONES  HURTISQ  THEIR  POOR  FBET." 


ever  thus  with  the  best  gifts  of  Heaven : 
we  do  not  appreciate  them  till  they 
are  lost) ;  but  when  Miss  HACKNEY  blew 
them  out  the  effect  fell  little  short  of  a 
miracle.  At  the  first  puff  it  was  like 
an  instantaneous  Gotterdammerung; 
at  the  second  it  was  as  when  a 
policeman  suddenly  holds  up  his  hand 
against  the  sun. 

I  want  the  candlamonger's  address. 

0.  S. 

"Whitehead  opened  the  bowling,  and  hu 
namesake,  with  a  late  cut,  scored  4  and  got  a 
single,  while  Knight  made  a  cut  for  3.  The 
players  were  away  half  an  hour."— Evening 
Standard. 

After  which,  thoroughly  rested,  they 
returned  to  their  labours. 


"  Jack  Benisou  raised  his  head  and  rose  from 
ins  I'lmir;  the  Vicar  crossed  to  him.  He  did 
not  shake  the  boy's  hand.  Even  now  lie  put  his 
foot  right  into  it."— "Daily  Mirror" 

Not  good  manners. 


"One  of  the  b'ggest  successes  of  the  day  was 
the  throwing  of  the  cricket  ball,  when  Bruin's 
throw  of  300yds.  lin.  created  a  South  African 
1 'i1'!." — Jolumiuslurg  Sporting  filar. 

It  must  have  needed  brawn  as  well. 


THE   DAY   OF   MIEACLES. 

Two  sights  this  day  have  met  my  eyes 

I  never  dreamt  to  see, 
That  near  undid  in  glad  surprise 

Their  credibility : 

My  lady,  with  her  wonted  grace, 

But  rotten  luck  withal, 
Straight  on  a  bunker's  frowning  face 

Had  smote  a  longish  ball ; 

And,  hasting  toward  that  "lie"  unseen 

With  anxious  mind,  she  came 
To  where  the  bay  gleams  blue  betwe3n 

The  gorse's  golden  flame ; 
Where,  in  a  sunny  glimpse,  one  sees 

Brown  sails  and  sea-birds'  wings, 
And  where  his  love-taught  lutanies 

The  nesting  linnet  sings. 

Pausing  a  moment's  space  apart, 

The  footling  lie  forgot, 
She  felt  the  pulse  from  Beauty's  heart — 

And  bunkered  balls  were  not. 

I  saw  the  frown  that  marred  her  fade, 
With  thoughts  of  medalled  fame : 

She  guessed  that  regal  Nature  played 
A  still  more  "ancient  game." 

•*  *  *  -•:-  * 

That  night  a  second  marvel  wrought 
As,  o'er  the  Downland  ridge, 


The  May-moon  rose,  and,  rising,  brought 
The  witching  hour  of — Bridge. 

Without,  one  of  those  angel-eves 
Dreamed,  veiled  in  tenderest  hue 

Of  tres-flowers  and  young  silken  leaves 
The  moonlight  filtered  through. 

Inside,  with  rosy  silks  arrayed, 

Lost  to  that  lovely  sight, 
With  deadly  earnestness  she  played — 

A  wasted  queen  of  night. 
Bat  while  her  solemn  partner  dealt 

She  heard  the  night-bird  sing, 
And  turned  and,  for  a  moment,  felt 

The  magic  of  the  Spring ; 

And  in  her  face  once  more  I  read 
How,  whispering  in  her  ear, 

"I  know  a  gainj,"  sweet  Spring  had 

said, 
"Worth  two  of  that,  my  dear!" 


"There  has  been  another  fire  at  Crewe  IIousc. 
Lord  and  Lady  Crewe  are  absent  in  Italy. 

The  origin  of  the  fire  is  inexplicable  and 
suspicion  has  been  aroused. 

Heater  wired  on  March  22nd  tl.at  an  ex- 
pi  dition  of  eight  British  officers  and  three 
hundred  men  with  machine  guns  was  moving 
against  a  tribe  in  the  Sapari  Hills  in  th  • 
northern  territories  of  the  Gold  Coast." 

Advocate  of  India. 

All  the  same,  we  don't  think  they  did  it. 


412 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MA?  31,  1911. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    SUPPLEMENT. 

VII.— THE  BRITISH  MUSEUM. 

THE  recent  appointment  of  a  scholarly 
guide  to  lecture  on  some  of  the  more 
remarkable  and  picturesque  of  its 
rarities  having  drawn  all  eyes  to 
what  Lord  AVEBUKY  once  wittily  called 
the  Bloomsbury  Treasure  House,  it 
has  been  felt  that  Mr.  Punch's  readers 
mus,t  not  be  kept  any  longer  from  a 
history  of  that  institution  (for  it  is  an 
institution). 

HISTORY. 

The  British  Museum  naturally  is  not 
very  old.  A  lot  has  to  happen  before 
the  time  comes  to  collect  ruins  in  a 
museum.  Hence  the  authorities  waited 
for  Assyria  and  Egypt,  Greece  and 
Eome  to  vanish  as  powers  before  they 
began  at  all  This  was  very  wise. 
The  opening  year  at  last  fixed  upon 
was  1759,  by  which  time  a  consider- 
able body  of  history  had  accumulated 
worthy  of  record.  In  those  days  the 
museum  was  at  Montagu  House.  The 
present  building  was  completed  in 
1847,  as  it  was  found  that  without 
some  such  haven  of  refuge  as  the  portico 
offers  London  might  have  no  pigeons 
left. 

UMBRELLAS. 

Such  is  the  acquisitive  zeal  that 
permeates  this  wonderful  place  that 
everyone  who  enters  is  at  once  asked 
to  deposit  his  (or  her)  umbrella.  Were 
none  of  these  reclaimed  it  is  estimated 
that  the  British  Museum  would  by 
now  have  the  finest  collection  of 
umbrellas  in  the  world.  Such  investi- 
gations of  them  as  the  curator  of  the 
Umbrella  Department  (Sir  Hume  E. 
Dye)  and  his  staff  of  trained  and 
meticulously  courteous  assistants  wish 
to  make  never  last  more  than  an  hour 
or  so,  and  the  umbrellas  are  returned 
to  their  owners.  The  system  of  identi- 
fication is  so  exact  that  the  chances  of 
getting  a  better  one  than  your  own 
have  been  worked  out  by  Mr.  HARPER 
(late  of  the  L.C.C.  and  now  an  unpaid 
official,  but  still,  we  hope,  a  capable 
statistician)  at  3007  to  1. 

THE  PRINT  BOOM. 
The  Print  Eoom,  famous  for  its 
poetical  staff,  is  in  the  charge  of  Sir 
SIDNEY  COLVIN,  who  has  won  the 
Museum  billiard  handicap,  played  after 
hours  in  a  room  in  the  third  Assyrian 
Court,  for  several  years  running.  Sir 
SIDNEY,  it  has  been  well  said,  knows  a 
print  when  he  sees  one.  Since  it  is  a 
point  of  honour  with  every  Museum 
official  to  write  a  book,  Sir  SIDNEY  has 
compiled  a  charming  volume  of  the 
letters  of  STEVENSON,  the  professional 
billiard  champion,  whose  epistolary 


style,  especially  in  a  series  of  billets 
dottx  to  Miss  Jane  Long  (known  as 
Long  Jenny),  is  hardly  less  attractive 
than  that  of  his  cue.  Among  Sir 
SIDNEY'S  colleagues  is  Mr.  BINYON,  the 
poet  and  the  author  (although,  in  view 
of  his  apparent  youth,  the  fact  is  not 
generally  suspected)  of  the  Death  of 
Adam.  In  the  Print  Eoom — if  you  are 
lucky  enough  to  find  it — you  may  see 
prints ;  and  nowhere  are  the  officials  so 
unfailing  in  their  courtesy  to  visitors. 

THE  ELGIN  MAEBLES. 

The  Elgin  Marbles  (in  which  the 
"  g  "  is  pronounced  soft,  as  in  Bingen- 
on-the-Bhine)  were  acquired  by  the  dis- 
tinguished art-dealer,  THOMAS  BRUCE, 
Seventh  Earl  of  Elgin.  They  represent 
the  manufactures  of  Elgin,  which,  ac- 
cording to  the  latest  official  reports, 
consist  of  watches  and  watch  cases, 
butter  and  other  dairy  products,  cooper- 
age (especially  butter  tubs),  canned 
corn,  shirts,  pipe  organs  and  caskets. 
The  city,  we  may  add,  is  the  seat  of 
the  Northern  Illinois  Hospital  for  the 
Insane.  Sir  Alley  Taw,  the  keeper 
of  the  marbles,  is  a  very  paragon  of 
courtesy. 

THE  POLICE. 

A  Museum  without  policemen  would 
be  like  the  play  of  Omelette  without 
the  egg,  as  the  Frenchman  said.  The 
British  Museum  has  many  fine, 
sturdy,  well-set-up  fellows  who  know 
an  anarchist  or  futurist  a  mile 
off,  and  would  die  sooner  than  allow 
a  thief  to  carry  away  the  Eosetta 
Stone.  Many,  it  is  true,  have  tried, 
but  no  one  has  got  farther  than  the 
entrance  hall. 

MANUSCRIPTS. 

The  collection  of  MSS.,  which  are 
under  the  safe  care  of  Dr.  WARNER, 
ranges  from  specimens  of  the  calli- 
graphy of  ancient  Egyptian  scribes  to 
the  originals  of  Mr.  HALL  CAINE'S 
novels.  The  latter  are  guarded  night 
and  day  by  special  custodians  imported 
from  the  Isle  of  Man,  and  can  only  be 
examined  by  persons  who  have  received 
a  special  permit  from  the  Keepsr  of 
British  Enormities.  The  courtesy  of 
Dr.  WARNER  and  his  assistants  is  a 
by- word  in  Bloomsbury. 

EGYPTOLOGY. 

It  is  notorious  that  nothing  can 
exceed  the  courtesy  of  the  chief  of 
the  Egyptian  Department,  Sir  EBNEST 
\VALLIS  BUDGE,  or  Sir  BUDGE,  as  dis- 
tinguished foreigners  persist  in  calling 
him.  Not  even  a  lifetime  spent  among 
mummies  and  sarcophagi  has  in  any 
way  impaired  his  native  sunniness,  and 
even  the  recurring  facetious  query  of 
Cockney  visitors,  on  the  first  Monday 


in  August,  as  to  how  and  when 
CLEOPATRA  copped  the  noodle,  leaves 
him  radiant  and  kind.  The  result 
is  that  few  visitors  interested  in 
Egyptology  leave  the  museum  without 
entering  Sir  BUDGE'S  department. 
Such  is  his  versatility  that  he  presides 
also  over  the  Assyrian  relics ;  and  the 
same  remarks  apply  to  them.  Sir 
BUDGE  is  the  author  of  more  books 
than  any  of  his  colleagues,  which  is 
saying  a  good  deal.  He  is  also  the 
editor  of  The  Isis. 

THE  BEADING  BOOM. 
It  has  been  computed  that  were  the 
British  Museum  reading-room  to  be 
closed  for  a  year  all  the  dealers  in 
remainder  copies  of  books  would  be 
bankrupt.  It  is  therefore  kept  open. 
The  Principal  Librarian  is  Sir  FREDE- 
RICK G.  KENYON — a  gentleman  whose 
courtesy  to  strangers  and  inquirers  is 
unequalled  in  any  other  department. 
The  peculiarity  of  the  room  in  which 
sits  the  Keeper  of  the  Printed  Books — 
Sir  G.  K.  FORTESCUE — is  that,  since 
every  inch  of  the  wall,  doors  and  all,  is 
covered  humorously  with  real  or 
imitation  books,  once  you  are  in  you 
cannot  find  the  way  out.  Apart  from 
this  nothing  can  exceed  the  courtesy 
of  this  official,  to  whose  zeal  in  keep- 
ing the  printed  books  must  be  attributed 
the  fact  that  one  so  often  cannot  get 
what  one  asks  for  in  the  reading-room. 

FOG. 

Although  the  wisdom  of  the  world 
is  stored  in  the  British  Museum  it  has 
not  taught  its  officials  (who  are 
courtesy  itself)  any  way  of  dealing 
with  fog.  No  sooner  does  this  Novem- 
ber visitant  arrive  in  Bloomsbury  than 
all  search  for  books  in  the  basement 
ceases  and  hundreds  of  readers  are 
thrown  out  of  work.  And  yet  there 
are  little  electric  hand-torches  for  such 
difficulties  in  every  stores  list  at  a 
•rifling  cost. 

FEES. 

There  is  no  charge  for  leaving  the 
British  Museum.  No  tips  are  allowed. 
Any  head  of  department  discovered  in 
;he  act  of  receiving  sixpence  or  a 
shilling  is  instantly  dismissed.  It  was 
:iis  readiness  to  accept  such  sums  in 
defiance  of  the  rules  that  led  to  the 
loss  of  that  otherwise  valuable  public 
;ervant,  Sir  O.  Penpalm,  one  of  the 
most  courteous  men  who  ever  had 
charge  of  Chaldean  postage-stamps. 

THE  FUTURE  OF  THE  MUSEUM. 

It  is  considered  probable,  by  com- 
petent vaticinators,  that  in  about  five 
years'  time  the  pick  of  the  Blooms- 
bury  treasures  will  be  located  at  Pitts- 
burg. 


MAY  31.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


413 


New  Housemaid.   "THAT  BAKIB'S  VAN'S  A  NICE-LOOKING  CHAP. 


Cook.   "Hut.'  WHY,  Hi's  MAERIID!" 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

SIB  ABTHUB  CONAN  DOYLE  does  not  go  altogether  as 
a  stranger  into  the  "  region  between  actual  story  and 
actual  history,  which,"  as  he  says  in  the  preface  to  The 
Last  Galley  (SMITH,  ELDEB),  "  has  never  been  adequately 
exploited."  His  book,  Rodney  Stone,  was  a  clever  essay  in 
this  field,  giving  as  it  did  a  vivid  picture  of  the  great  days 
of  the  boxing  ring.  In  his  latest  volume  he  has  worked  less 
ambitiously,  though  he  hints  at  something  greater  to  come. 
He  gives  a  series  of  ton  brief  "  impressions,"  based  on 
facts  dotted  up  and  down  the  long  stretch  of  years  during 
which  the  Roman  Empire  was  the  world.  He  has  coloured 
these  facts  with  "  the  glamour  which  the  writer  of  fiction 
can  give,"  and  he  has  produced  a  set  of  very  readable 
stories  which  help  one  to  form  a  conception  of  affairs  as 
they  may  have  existed  at  that  time.  I  don't  know  that  it 
is  anything  against  them  that  the  glamour  is  in  some  cases 
derived  rather  from  the  possible  than  the  probable.  He 
ivliiti's,  for  instance,  the  meeting  of  THEODORA  and  her  son. 
It  is  generally  believed  that  this  versatile  lady  lost  no  time 
in  removing  from  the  sight  of  the  world,  and  of  her  husband 
JUSTINIAN,  all  trace  of  so  untimely  a  reminder  of  her 
early  adventurous  career.  Sir  ABTHUR,  giving  her  a  sudden 
access  of  maternal  affection,  rescues  the  boy  from  the  very 
l>rink  of  the  underground  well  to  which  he  had  been 
ili  mi  nod,  and  sends  him  back  to  the  monastery  in  Antioch 
whence  he  came.  Nobody  knows  exactly  what  did  happen, 
so  this  is  conceivably  true,  but  personally  I  doubt  it. 
Again,  he  makes  of  MAXIMIN  a  bluff,  honest  sort  of 
barbarian  soldier,  who  an  hour  before  the  thing  occurred 
had  no  idea  of  besoming  emperor.  This  also  may  be  true, 


though  for  my  part  I  put  my  money  on  the  other  side  of 
the  picture. 

To  choose  a  district  of  old  France, 

To  strike  a  path  where  paths  are  few, 
To  leave  his  resting-place  to  chance, 

Take  what  it  gives  and  start  anew ; 
To  quaff  the  country's  local  drink, 

To  chaff  its  people,  maid  or  man — 
Such  things  HILAIBE  BELLOC,  I  think, 

Can  tackle  as  no  other  can. 

It  makes  no  sort  of  odds  to  me 

Whether  afoot  he  makes  his  way, 
As  just  himself,  to  wit  H.  B., 

And  sees  tho  France  wo  know  to-day ; 
Or  whether,  in  some  borrowed  guise, 

As,  say,  a  military  gent, 
He  sees  it  with  historic  eyes — 

No  matter  which,  I  'm  well  content. 

The  Girondin  (from  NELSON)  shows 

The  second  case  :  it  brings  to  view 
A  mounted  sergeant  in  the  throes 

Of  war  in  1792 ; 
He  roughs  it  with  a  cheerful  smile, 

Gets  in  the  end  a  nasty  knock, 
As  soldiers  will,  yet  all  the  while 

You  know  that  he 's  HILAIRE  BELLOO. 


IN  one  respect,  at  least,  Dr.  J.  MOBGAN-DE-GBOOT,  the 

author  of  The  Hand  of  Venm  (HUTCHINSON),  is  deserving  of 

I  the  honour  reserved  for  them  who  resist  great  temptation. 

I  Some  time  before  the  opening  of  the  story,  he  tells  us  that 


411 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MAY  31,  1911. 


the  great  PHIDIAS  mode  a  statue  of  Venus,  which,  having  Sea  Lion,  had  never  been  upon  the  sea.  Thus,  when  SYBIL 
suffered  the  dismemberment  of  a  band,  was  eventually  his  betrothed,  whose  love  was  one  of  the  procesds  of  his 
buried,  along  with  the  severed  portion,  in  the  garden  of  a  fraud,  suggested  that  he  should  take  her  to  the  Pool  anc 
Roman  villa.  In  the  year  nineteen-hundied-and-odd  this  talk  about  shipping,  a  situa' ion  was  created  that  is  perhaps 
statue,  which  was  naturally  marvellous  beyond  compare,  more  farcical  than  Mr.  PATRICK  RUSHDEN,  the  author  of  the 
was  dug  up  by  a  modern  artist,  who  wickedly  lesolved  to  book,  appears  to  be  aware  of.  He,  indeed,  is  desperately 
send  it  to  Burlington  House  as  his  own  work,  which  he  serious  about  the  affair  throughout,  and  invokes  the  aid  ol 
did,  and  it  was — no,  not  what  you  think — it  was  accepted,  hypnotism  and  various  tragic  devices  in  order  to  confound 
and  praised  by  everybody.  The  author's  restraint  in  the  a  trick  which,  one  cannot  but  think,  would  have  exposed 
matter  of  this  episode  filled  me  with  the  greater  surprise,  itself,  in  ival  life,  within  a  week  of  its  inception.  Why,  for 
because  I  am  bound  to  admit  that  nothing  in  his  previous  example,  did  Darrel  never  ask  to  look  at  hi.s  own  proofs  ? 
handling  of  the  tale  had  prepared  me  for  it.  He  is  not,  I  It  seems  a  singular  omission  on  the  part  of  an  author  with, 
for  example,  above  introducing  a,  caricature  of  the  German  1  confessedly,  no  othsr  interests  in  life.  Messrs.  MILLS  AND 


Emperor,  who  is  represented 
as  deciding  the  authorship 
of  a  \\  ork  variously  attributed 
to  REMBRANDT  and  TOM 
BROWNE;  and  I  am  afraid 
that  this  is  a  fair  sample  of 
the  author's  humour.  Briefly 
put,  indeed,  his  theme  struck 
me  as  an  excellent  idea  (there 
are,  of  course,  complications 
with  the  ssvered  hand,  which 
I  will  not  spoil  for  you  by 
detailing)  not  very  well 
treated.  But  it  certainly 
proved  that  Dr.  DE-GROOT 
has  an  independent  spirit. 


BOON  tsll  me  that  The  Sea 
Lion  is  a  first  novel ;  as  such 
it  may  pass,  but  my  idea  is 
that  Mr.  PATRICK  RUSHDEN 
can  and  will  do  considerably 
batter. 


What  I  like  about  the 
humour  of  Mr.  PETT  RIDGE 
is  that  it  keeps  so  very 
healthy  and  so  little  boister- 
ous. His  laughter  is  never 
rowdy  nor  his  optimism 
blatant,  yet  is  he  optimistic 
and  laughter-loving  indeed. 
Better  refreshment  at  the 
price  would  be  hard  to  get ; 
for  it  is  the  author's  own 
idea  to  serve  up  his  seven- 
teen stories  and  sketches  of 
lower  middle-class  life  in  a 
two -shilling  Table  d'Hdte 

(HODDER    AND    STOUGHTON). 

One  item  only  I  would  have 
omitted  from  the  -menu;  the 
sarcasm  of  "  My  Brother  Ed- 
ward" is  too  biting  a  sauce 
for  the  use  of  so  accomplished  

-,  M  r-,  -  *  J.AWJ.  kJV*L,       H.\jL          tt  V*  J  1  V  ,        ClilIXA        \JJ  \JlA 

•tiej.     "  bcotter  s  Luck,"  on  the  other  hand,  is  a  little ,  her  father,  of  whom  little  is  seen— all  are  vivid  portraits 
masterpiece  of  ironical^  concoction,  delightful  to  the  palate, of  people  worth  knowing.     I  hopa  many  will  make  their 


Cus!o-mer.    "No,   I  DON'T  THINK    I'LL  HAVE  THAT  OXE  ; 
DOESN'T  SEEM  TO  CARE  MUCH  FOE  IT." 


There  is  only  one  fault 
which  I  have  to  find  with 
Mr.  W.  E.  NORRIS'S  Vittoria 
Victrix  (CONSTABLE),  and 
that  is  a  fault  for  which  Mr. 
NORRIS  is  not  himself  to 
blame.  His  is  one  of  those 
unfortunately  designed  books 
which  look  as  though  their 
pages  are  all  cut,  but  which 
trip  you  up  in  the  middle  of 
a  sentence  and  send  you, 
failing  a  handy  paper-knife, 
hunting  for  a  postcard  or  a 
railway  ticket.  I  never  have 
these  about  me,  and  I  hate 
cutting  a  book  with  a  pipe 
or  a  slipper.  These  slight 
and  not  very  frequent  sources 
of  irritation  apart,  the  placid 
narrative  of  a  sculptor  in  bis 
relations  with  an  original  and 
charming  girl,  her  friends 
and  admirers,  is  altogether 
delightful.  The  sculptor  who 
tells  the  story,  his  sister,  the 
hard-headed  and  soft-hearted 
••  Yankee  who  controls  the 
destinies  of  everyone  without 
their  knowing  it,  Vittoria 
herself,  her  aunt,  and  even 


acquaintance. 


and  done  to  a  turn.  Mr.  Punch  may  claim  to  speak  with 
some  authority  as  a  gourmet,  in  this  particular  fare;  yet 
he  would  not  authorize  his  Clerk  to  write  one  word  of 
complaint  upon  the  back  of  the  bill,  save  that  he  had  not 
had  enough. 

When  Stanley  Thornfield  found  a  crippled  genius  in 
an  attic,  and,  under  pretence  of  placing  his  manuscript, 
determined  to  pose  to  the  world  as  its  author,  it  seems  to 
me  he  displayed,  not  only  considerable  lack  of  foresight, 
but  a  quite  remarkable  ignorance  of  the  many  stories  in 
which  a  similar  imposture  has  been  tried  and  failed.  In 

j  this  instance,  the  risk  was  the  greater  because  the  wonder-   ._,„  „  „  aiau  tt  „         .     ^  UU8  UIB  momoilll 

tales  that  Darrel  wrote  were  all  about  his  experiences  of  ecstasy.     The  result  is  amazing  and  beautiful."     W 
ilor;     whereas    the    pretender,   whose   supposed  like  this  picture  of  the  CHANCELLOR  as  KEATS'S  "light 
I  triumphs  earned  for  him  in  literary  circles  the  title  of  The 


Mr.  Lloyd  George  as  the  "Immortal  Bird." 
Mr.  Punch,  along  with  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  many  other 
admirers  who  have  been  congratulating  him  on  recovery 
from  his  serious  throat  affection,  is  anxious  lest  he 
should  incur  a  relapse  through  attempting  to  prove  him- 
self worthy  of  the  following  passage  in  The  Referee : — 
"  Mr.  Lloyd  George  reminds  me  of  the  nightingale.  At 
this  time  of  the  year  Santa  Filomena  is  obsessed  with 
song.  She  sings  continuously.  Now  and  again,  thrilled 
with  her  own  music,  the  bird  falls  into  ecstasy.  .  .  .  Mr. 
Lloyd  George  is  also  a  great  singer.  He  has  his  moments 

We 
Jit- 
winged  Dryad  of  the  trees,"  or  should  it  be  Druid? 


/    \ 


No  3048. 

VOLUME 

CXL. 


JUNE  7, 
1911. 


ITNCU  OFFICE,  10,  BOUVEKIE  STREET, 

LONDON,  E.C. 


JUCKSON'S 

LJVCND6Q 


IN  DOULTON 
J1RT   VASES. 


does-  not  fingermark, 

scent  ancToives  a  magnificent 


from 

'JACKSON, 

01 ,  M  \R  ST  LONDON  S.E 

oT<Jacfc son's 


-ji 
>,£'* 


l!y  Appointment  to 
II  M    The  King. 

Only  long  experience  of  all  climates 
can  teach  manufacturers  how  to  con- 
tend with  the  two  great  enemies  of  a 
piano's  Tone  and  Touch-  damp  and 
extremes  of  temperature.  In  this 
respect  the  house  of  Brinsmead  is  un- 
rivalled ;  their  work  is  the  outcome 
of  almost  a  century  of  unremitting 
study  and  vast  production.  With  such 
cumulative  experience  embodied  in 
each  instrument  the  name  of 

BRINSMEAD 

has  become  a  universal  synonym  of 
perfection. 

WRITE  FOR    THE  BRINSMEAD  ART  CATALOGUE 

JOHN  BRINSMEAD  &  SONS,  Ltd., 

18-22,   WIGMORE   STREET,   LONDON,   W. 


oq 

(  Cnntrell  tfCochranes) 

Ginger  Ale 


When  the  sun  beats  in  dazzling  light  on  sail  and 
gleaming  metal  wcrk,  and  turns  the  npp  e  and  glance 
of  the  water  to  liquid  diamonds;  remember  C  6-  C 
Ginger  Ale  will  refresh  you  and  quench  your  thirst  as 
hardly  anything  else  will. 


Made  by  Cantrcll  &  Cochrane,  L'd. 

(ESTABLISHED  1853.)  LON1 

London  Offices  :  Savoy  House.  115  Strand.  W  C.    Telephone:  4142  <  ily 
London  Agents:  FtodWr,  Mackie.  Todd  &  Co.,  Ltd..  London  Bridge.  S.E. 


Works:    ITH1.1N         HIU.FASr, 
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Made  from  the  Pick  of 
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Exported  all  over 
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Ily  Appointment. 


Write  to-day  for  Price  List. 


To  H.M    THE  KING. 


H.  P.  BULMER  &  Co.,  HEREFORD. 


PUNCH.      *    '>ir.   :.i.-.int>  CtiAHiVAKi,  JUNK  7, 


Mr.  Punch's 

Coronation 

Number. 


LONG    LIVE    THE    KING! 


I'U\CH,  UK  THK  LONDON  CKAHIVAJH,  JUNE  7,  1911. 


P«NCII,     >K     illK    [,ONUim    CHARIVARI, 


-*VNCH,    OR    THK    LONOC*    ClIARIVARI,    JUXE    ?,    l<;il 


TO    THE    KING. 
For    His    Majesty's    Coronation. 


WHEN  Summer  last  came  gowned  in  virgin  green, 

Among  the  mourning  pageantry  you  paced, 
Dimly  aware  what  splendours  of  the  scene 

By  Death's  enfolding  shadow  lay  effaced  ; 
A  King  that  nursed  his  private  grief  apart, 

Nor  comfort  from  his  kingly  state  could  borrow, 
Grave-eyed  you  went,  ,and  very  lone  of  heart, 

Mid  silent  greetings  hushed  to  share  your  sorrow. 


Earth  of  her  gifts  can  yield  no  fairer  grace 

Than  thus  to  rule  a  people  proud  and  free, 
For  whom  you  stand  as  symbol  of  a  ra^e 

Heirs  to  the  ancient  lordship  of  the  sea  ; 
So  on  this  day,  when  Peace  may  lightly  wear 

The  warrior  trophies  won  from  sterner  ages, 
Well  may  her  sister,  Mirth,  demand  an  air 

Of  ampler  revelry  in  these  our  pages. 


A  year  ago.     And  now  by  those  same  ways, 

Crowned  and  anointed  King,  once  more  you  come, 
And  Grief  fulfilled  recalls  her  backward  gaze, 

And  Joy  unlocks  our  lips  that  then  were  dumb ; 
Glad  heart  "and  voice, -we  greet  your  proven  worth, 

Whose  courage,  called  to  meet  the  test  of  royalty, 
By  better  claims  than  any  right  of  birth 

Has  earned  the  -homage  of  our  love  and  loyalty. 


And  if,  in  this  poor  tribute,  we  intrude 

A  touch  of  humour  something  over-bold  ; 
If,  for  relief,  we  ask  the  latitude 

Allowed  to  licensed  jesters  from  of  old ; 
Believe  me,  Sire,  in  all  your  faithful  isle 

None  pays  a  fealty  more  profound  and  fervent 
Than  he  who  here  appends  his  name  and  style— 

Than  Punch,  your  Majesty's  most  loyal  servant. 


O.  S. 


PV ..  M,    CM    1HI    LoMHJN    ClIABIVAII,    JUM«   7, 


Mr.  Punch's 
Gala  Variety  Entertainment 


HEREAS  Their  Majesties  KING  GEORGE  and  QUEEN  MARY  have  shown  a  gracious 
interest  in  the  Art  of  the  Music  Hall,  Now  this  is  to  say  that  Air.  Punfh  proposes 
to  offer  to  Their  Majesties  an  opportunity  of  attending  a  Gala  Variety  Entertainment 
of  his  own.  So  sanguine  is  he  of  being  able  to  persuade  Their  Majesties  to  assist  at 
his  Fete,  that  he  has  already  engaged  an  extraordinarily  talented  cast,  and  drawn 
up  a  thoroughly  exhaustive  programme.  As  to  the  date,  everything  will  depend  upon 
Their  Majesties'  pleasure,  but  it  may  be  confidently  asserted  that  it  will  not  be 
allowed  to  clash  with  the  actual  Coronation. 

Mr.  Punch,  accompanied  by  some  of  the  QUEEN'S  Maries,  will  himself  receive  the  KING  and  QUEEN  (always  supposing 
that  Their  Majesties  are  present),  and  a  bouquet,  consisting  of  "  silver  bells  and  cockle  shells,  and  pretty  maids  all  of  a 
row,''  will  be  presented  to  the  QUEEN  by  "  Mary,  Mary,  all  contrary,"  who  will  be  supported  by  another  Mary  —  the 
one  with  the  pet  lamb. 

The  National  Anthem  once  played  and  Their  Majesties  comfortably  seated,  a  short  interval  will  be  allowed  for 
staring,  but  no  pointing  will  be  permitted.  Mr.  Punch  will  then  deliver  a  Prologue  composed  by  one  of  his  voung  fellows. 


The  final  touches  have  not  yet  been  given  to  this  masterpiece,  and,  indeed,  much  will  be  left  to  the  inspiration  at 
the  moment  and  the  individuality  of  the  prompter.     But,  roughly,  the  idea  will  be  as  follows : — 


Prologue. 


Your  Majesties,  your  Royal  Highnesses, 

Also  (if  present)  your  Serenities, 

Your  Graces,  Lordships,  Ladyships — in  short, 

Ladies  and  Gentlemen  of  ev'ry  sort 

(The  Press  included),  welcome  to  our  show, 

Now,  after  months  of  labour,  on  the  go. 


Oh  for  a  Muse  of  fire  (as  SHAKSPEARE  said, 
But  cannot  now  repeat  it,  being  dead), 
Oh  for  a  Muse  that  could  aspire  to  sing 
A  fitting  ode  of  welcome  to  our  KING, 
To  offer  neatly,  at  the  very  start, 
The  tribute  of  a  most  devoted  heart. 

\Mr.  Pum-h  makes  oMsancc  to  tin  Royal  Box. 


419 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


Oh  for  a  something  else  with  which  to  greet 
The  beauty  for  the  moment  at  my  feet, 

\Afr,  Punch  bcm'S  to  thi  ladies. 
To  hymn  the  serried  splendour  of  the  pit 
And  dwell  upon  the  circles  for  a  bit ! 
It  needs  a  demi-god — half  MILTON,  half 
Reporter  on  the  Daily  Telegraph. 
A  mortal  overwhelmed  by  your  effulgence 
Can  only  crave  your  very  kind  indulgence  ; 
Let  me,  instead,  foreshadow  the  surprises 
We  spring  upon  you  when  the  curtain  rises. 

My  task  is  rendered  lighter  by  the  fact 
That  many  of  you,  with  consummate  tact, 
Have  bought  and  favoured  with  at  least  a  glance 
The  special  programme  issued  in  advance — 
Meaning,  of  course,  that  enemy  to  slumber, 
My  Extra-special  Coronation  Number.     \_Advt. 

You  know  that  soon,  unless  the  curtain  sticks, 
You  '11  see  a  masque  of  Art  and  Politics, 
A  feast  of  Fun  and  Fantasy  and  things — 
Possibly,  too,  the  prompters  in  the  wings. 
Cieorges  of  every  kind  will  take  their  calls 
Hoping  for  recognition  from  the  stalls  ; 
NEWTON  himself,  no  less,  and  other  Lords 
Will  make  a  first  appearance  on  the  boards ; 
History  will  affect  the  modern  manner 
And  Mr.  CHURCHILL  sing  to  the  planner  ; 
While  at  the  finish  I  myself  may  take 
The  chance  of  thanking  those  of  you  awake. 

Now,  if  the  carpenters  have  stopped  their  banging, 

And  if  the  manager  has  finished  slanging 

The  carpenters,  and  if  the  double  bass 

Will  kindly  hurry  up  and  find  the  place, 

Then  let  the  curtain  rise  upon  a  night 

Of  unexampled  splendour  and  delight. 

After  a  short  but  adequate  interval  for  applause  the 
performance  proper  will  commence ;  and  of  this  Mr. 
Punch  has  pleasure  in  issuing  herewith  a  preliminary 
Illustrated  Programme. 

His  pictures  are  based  upon  representations  made  by  his 
performers  as  to  thj  nature  of  their  turns  and  do  not 
pretend  to  be  an  historic  record  of  events  that  have  not  yet 
occurred.  No  person  will  therefore  be  permitted  to  claim 
his  money  back  at  the  doors  on  the  plea  that  any  turn 
(or  turns)  differed  materially  from  the  counterfeit  present- 
ment (or  presentments)  of  it  (or  them).  Mr.  Punch  also 
reserves  to  himself  the  right  to  supplement  his  Preliminary 
Programme  (though  this  is,  humanly  speaking,  improbable), 
or  to  withdraw  any  turn  of  which  the  performer  proves,  at 
rehearsal,  to  be  less  good  than  he  said  he  was  going  to  be. 

The  Programme  will  begin  with  some 

Variety  Turns, 

and    this    form   of   entertainment   will    ba    continued    at 
intervals  throughout  the  performance. 


1.  Mr.  GRAHAME- WHITE,  in  a  self  made  biplane,  accom 
panied  by  warlike  music,  will  manoeuvre  over  the  audience 
and  undertak ;  to  drop  a  couple  of  confetti  on  the  head  ot 
the  German  Naval  Attach^. 

2.  Mr.  F.  E.  SMITH  will  sing :  "  I  'm  shy,  Mary  Ellen, 
I  'm  shy." 

3.  Lord  NEWTON  will  give  his  inimitable  sketch,  "  How 
I  made  even  the  Peers  laugh." 

4.  Mr.  A.  B.  WALK.LEY,  dramatic  critic  of  The  Times,  will 
deliver,  in  Attic  Greek  with  a  French  accent,  a  dissertation 
on  "  Aristophanny's  First  Play."   At  the  same  time  Mesdames 
MELBA  and  TETRAZZINI,  who  refuse  to  appear  apart,  will 
simultaneously  sing  Altiora  peto,  each  going  as  she  pleases. 


Mr.  F.  E.  Sm'.th  will  sing  :    "I'm  shy,  Mary  Ellen,  I'm  shy." 

5.  Mr.   OSCAR   ASCHE   will   give    a    demonstration   of 
First  Aid,  exhibiting  the  "  Kismet "  system  of  holding  a 
drowning  man  under  water  till  he  his  st<  ppe.l  drown'ng. 

6.  Mr. (who  desires  at  present  to    remain   name- 
less) will  write  a  cheque  for  .£5,000  in  favour  of  a  charity 
(to  be  chosen  by  Mr.  Punch),  on  condition  that  his  name  be 
announced  from  the  proscenium  in  clear  and  bell-like  tones. 
During   this  performance,    Mr.    SOMERSET   MAUGHAM  wilt 
write  a  complete  new  play,  and  Miss  LILY  ELSIE  will  waltz 
up  a  salmon-ladder  with  the  Master  of  ELIBANK.. 

7.  M.  MAETERLINCK  and  Lord  AVKBURV  will  conduct 
an  exhibition  bee-fight  (ona  bee  a-side),  after   which   the 

I  know  a  Bank." 


latter  will  oblige  with 


420 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


8.     Messrs.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR 
Irish  "  Back-chat "  Comedians. 


and    TIM    HKAI.V    will    appear  as 


9.  Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL  will  give  his  well-known  patter-song  : — 

Little  Bo-peppered 

lias  lost  her  shepherd 
And  can't  tell  «  here  they  hide  him  ; 

Leave  him  alone 

And  he  '11  come  home 
With  a  whiskey-bottle  inside  him. 

10.  Mr.  GARVIN,  Editor  of  The  Observer,  will  give  a  selection  (the 
whole  is  far  too  long)  from   his  popular  Ventriloquial  Sketch,    "The 
Power  behind  the  Peerage."     In  the  event  of  an  encore  he  will  bring 
on  Mr.  W.    WALDORF  ASTOR,   and    they   will   sing   together    as    the 
"  Dollar  Uuettists  "  in  "  For  Hever  and  for  Hcver." 

1 1 .  Lord  ROSEHERY,  wearing  the  yellow  primrose  of  a  detached  life, 
will  recite  a  parody  of  "  The  House  that  Jack  built,"  entitled  "  The 
House  that  Archibald  re-built."     At  the  same  time  Mr.  NEIL  PRIM- 
ROSE, another  member  of  the  same  talented  family,  will  give  his  daring 
acrobatic  performance  in  which  he  descends  from  a  great  height  upon 

.  the  woolsack  and  bounds  off  into  space. 

12.  March    Past   of    the    King's    Georges, 

each  contributing  some  peculiar  and  personal  tribute,  illustrated  by  a 
rhymed  couplet. 

Meanwhile,  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE,  chagrined  because  his  claim  to 
appear  among  the  King's  Georges  was  considered  invalid,"  will 
preamble  in  the  wings,  and  start  a  Lloyd's  Invalidity  Insurance  Scheme. 


Mr.  W.'mton  Churchill  loses  hi* 
Shepherd. 


Mr.  T.    P.   O'Connor   end    Mr.   Tim  Heal?, 
Irish    Back-chat    Comedians. 


The    Editor  of    "The    Observer"    in    his    great    Ventriloquial 
Performance   as    "The    Power   behind   the    Peerage." 


• 

GEORGE 
MOORE 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


GEORGE R 
SIMS. 


GEORGE 
HIRST. 


For  every  ill  my  novels  find  a  cure  ; 
Don't  hesitate  to    send  and  ask  (or 
Koore. 


Though  cares  of  State  should  sometimes  breed      Should  cricket  ever  tempt  the  Royal  nerve, 

despair,  Command  me  for  a  lesson  how  to  swerve. 

I'll  answer  that  you  never  lose  your  hair. 


EORfiK 

BERNARD 
SHAW. 


GEORGE 
ALEXANDER 


GEORGE 
EDWARDES. 


My  p  ajhouae,  like  your  Court,  is  at  St.  James;   I '  ve  Viennese  delights  to  charm  the  ears,     Monarch  or  peasant,  'tis  the  same  to  me : 
High  tailoring  I  offer,  and  high  aims.  And  oh,  such  pretty  wives  for  England's     Counsel  for  both  I  've  ready    fluent,  fiea. 

peers. 

THE    KING'S    GEORGES. 

422 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


GEORGEW.E 
RUSSELL 


GEORGE 
WYNDHAM. 


Prepare  to  hold  your  sides  while  I  emit        To  all  who  would  invade  your  Boyal  peace     White'er  you  wish  of  brilliance— speech 
The  very  flower  of  other  people's  wit.  Three  wordshavel     "Desist,"  "Befrain"       ,    or  sonnet, 

and  "Cease."  Eloge  or  essay    Crichton  II.  is  on  it. 


GEORGE 
\GRA\. 


!R  GEORGE 
PIW 


GEORGE 
NATHANIEL, 
LORD  CURZON. 


Fear  Revolution  not,  0  Sire !  Instead, 
Acquire  my  art  of  scoring  off  the  Bed. 


Pro-consuls  in  retirement  have  their  leisure  ;     Pan  for  your  Boyal  Park  I  re-create  ; 
Ask  me  for  any  help;  'tis  yours  with  pleasure.    Groups  neatly  executed  while  you  wait. 


THE    KING'S    GEORGES. 

4*3 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


-« 1- 

Mr.  C.  P.  Little,  Connois- 
seur of  Smartness,  points 
out  all  the  Best  People  in 
the  House. 


Mr.   Seymour  Hicks's  Double    will  provide  Super-wive*  for  all  eligible   Peers. 


13.  Mr.  SEYMOUR  HICKS  (not  in  his 
cwn  person,  he  being  in  a  distant  part  of . 
the  Empire,  but  through  the  medium  of 
a  counterfeit   understudy)   will   illustrate 
the  working  of  his  matrimonial  agency,  and 
execute  any  orders  he  may  receive  from 
the  bachelor  Peerage. 

14.  Mr.    C.    P.    LITTLE,    Smart    Set 
Expert  to   The  Daily   Mail,   will   oblige 
any  member  of  the  audience  who  wishes 
the  record  of  his   presence   to   be   read 
next  morning  at  their  breakfast  tables  by 
a  million  consumers  of  Standard  Bread. 

15.  Mr.  Cyril  Maudekin  and  Madame 
Pavlova  Wiggs  of  the  Cabbaggio  Patch  will 
give  their  popular  Danse  Tobacconale. 

16.  Mr.  HUGH   CHISHOLM,  Editor   of 
The  Encyclopedia  Britannica,  will  make  an 
appearance  prepared  to  recite  the  menus 
of  the   one-hundred-and-fifty   dinners    he 
has  given  to  the  contributors  to  his  massive 
Opus.   This  item,  however,  will  be  taken 
as  read — on  India  Paper. 


Mr.  Cyril  Maudekin  in  his  Danse  Tobacconale. 


1 7.  Mr.  Punch  will  present  a  series  of  Animated  Pictures  under  the  general  title 

If  they  had  lived  in  the  days  of  Good   King  George. 

It  has  been  widely  felt  that  many  famous  Historical  Episodes  would  take  on  an  entirely  new  aspect  if  they 
could  be  re-enacted  under  present  conditions.  Great  disabilities  have  notoriously  been  suffered  by  distinguished  people 
through  living  in  some  other  century  than  the  twentieth  A.D.  ;  and  from  these  Studies  in  Applied  Modernity  (arranged  by 
well-known  experts)  it  is  hoped  that  a  moral  lesson  may  be  drawn  for  those  who  are  too  apt  to  imagine  that  the  old 
times  were  the  most  convenient. 


424 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari.  June  7,  1911. 


William  Shaltspeare  dictates  two  Plays  and  a  Sonnet  simultaneously. 

(Tableau  arranged  by  the  Express  Typewriting  Bureau.) 


Eleanor  of  Castile  inoculates  Edward  of  England  against   the   Effects  of  Poisoned  Datfers,  Arrows,  etc. 

(Tableau  arranged  by  Sir  Almroth  Wrigkt.\ 

If  they  had  lived  in  the  days  of  Good   King  George. 

425 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911, 


Boadicea   shows  'em  what  WOMAN  can  do. 

{Tableau  arranged  by  Miss  Christabel  Pankhitrst.) 


The   Siege  of  Guy  Fawkes— Sidney  Street   Style. 

(Tableau  arranged  by  the  Home  Secretary.) 

If  they  had   lived  in   the   days  of  Good   King   George. 

426 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,    1911. 


Sir  Walter  Raleigh   offers   Queen  Elizabeth   a  Pair  of  Rubbers. 

(  Tableau  arranged  by  the  Baliunb  'a  Rubber  Syndicate. ) 


Lady  Godiva  rides  through  Coventry. 

(Tableau  arranged  by  the  Bio-cinematographic  Ci>.) 

If  they  had   lived   in   the  days  of  Good   King   George. 

4-7 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


These    remarkable    and    instructive    Tableaux   will    be 
followed  by  an 

Exhibition  of  Coronation  Claims. 

All  such  claims  come,  of  course,  too  late  for  recognition, 
but  that  should  only  add  to  the  poignancy  of  their  appeal. 

18.  Sir  HENRY  HOWORTH,  author  of  certain  works  on 
The  Flood  and  Champion  Letter-writer  to  The  Times,  will 
claim  to  ride  in  the  Coronation  Procession  on  a  Mammoth. 

19.  The  two  Alfreds— Sir  MONO  and  Mr.  SPENDER— 
will  claim  to  figure   in  the   Coronation  Procession  as  the 
Witty  \Vestminster  Wags.     For  an  encore  (if  desired)  Mr. 
ALFRED  SPENDER  will   withdraw  and  Sir   ALFRED   MONO 
will  sing  BROWNING'S  pathetic  passage : 

"  Crowns  to  give,  and  none  fur  the  brow 
That  Ijjked  .ike  marble  !" 

20.  Sir  THOMAS  LIPTON  will  claim  to  sail  the  King's 
Coronation  Barge  against  all  comers  from  Westminster  to 
Wapping  and  back  ;  and  may  the  best  boat  win  ! 

21.  Mr.  JOHN  GALSWORTHY  will  claim  to  walk  in  the 
Coronation  Procession  as  Justice  carrying  the  Freedom  of 
Wormwood  Scrubbs  in  a  Silver  Box. 


I 


Spender  and  Mond,  the  Witty  Westminster  Wag*. 


22.  Sir  JOSEPH  LYONS  will  claim  to  use  the  motto, 
"  Ich  Dien,"  and  to  carry  the  King's  Second-best  Entree  Dish  in  the  Procession,  and  have  the  usufruct  of  its  contents 
for  exhibition  at  his  chief  Popular  Restaurant  before  the  chill  is  off.  He  will  base  his  claim  on  the  fact  that  he  is  a 
descendant  of  Richard  Cceur  de  Lyons  Souffle,  who  by  moderate  charges  defeated  the  Soldan  of  Tip  in  1193. 


% 


Sir  Henry  Howorth  claims  to  ride  a   Mammoth 
in  the  Coronation  Procession. 

2?.  A  Forecast  of  the  Shakspearc 
Costume   Ball. 


(a)  Characters  to  be  assumed  by  the  Ministry ; 
ll>)  »  „  „  „    Opposition. 


428 


Sir.  Thomas  Lipton  claims  to  sail  the  King's   Barge 
against  all  comers  ;  and  may  the  best  *w>pt   win  I 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


His  Majesty's  Ministry.     From  feft  to  right  : — Lord  Loreburn  (Woliey),  Mr.  Lloyd  George  (Sbylock),  Mr.  Harcourt  (  Malvolio). 
Mr.  Churchill  (Henry  V.),  Mr.  MoKenna  (Romeo),  Sir  E.  Grey  (Hamlet),  Lord  Haldane  (Lady  Macbeth),  Mr.  AsquUb  (Titania) 


His    Majesty's    Opposition.       From    left    to    right  >— Mr.   Balfour   (Ariel).    Sir    E.    Carson    (the  O'PhclIa'.    Mr.    Wyndham 
Osrici,  Mr.  G.  Cave  (Portia),   Mr.   F.  E.  Smith   (Touchstone),  Mr.  Chaplin  (Juliet).  Mr.  Bonar  Law  (Macbeth). 

Mr.   Austen  Chamberlain  (Prince  Hal). 

A   Forecast   of  the  Shakspeare  Costume   Ball. 

429 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 
Supper   Interval. 

During  the  Interval,  while  supper  is  being  served  to  the  audience  in  paper-bags,  Lady  GROVE  will  talk  on  "  Polite 
Eating";  Sir  EDWARD  ELGAR  will  conduct  his  Band  of  Hope  and  Glory;  Mr.  CHARLES  FROHMAN  will  continue  to 
"present"  nobody;  and  Mr.  ARTHUR  BOURCHIER  will  grow  a  beard. 


The   Editor  of  "The   Daily   Mail"   as   Sweet 
Peaseblossom   in   "A  M'dsummer  Day's  Boom." 


Mr.    Maurice    Hewlett,   as    Chief   Jongleur,   sings   the 
Chanson   de   Rowland  Ward's  Jongle. 


24.  The  Editor  of  The  Daily  Mail  will  give  an  ex  Tact  from  his  popular  creation,  "A  Midsummer  Day's  Eoom 
in  wh'ch  he  will  appear  in  the  part  of    ^—. — '\ 

Sweet  Peaseblossom.  _A\__A\  ./- vt"~ 

~~\\ — v   • 

25.  Mr.  MAURICE  HEWLETT,  as  the     _J\ \\ 

leading  Jongleur  of  the    day,  will  sing    =^ 

the  Chanson  de  Rowland  Ward's  Jongle. 

26.  Lord    HALDANE    will    introduce 
Lord   KITCHENER   in  the  Garden  Scene 
from  the  famous  sketch  :  "  How  England 
finds  Work  for  her  Greatest  Men." 

27.    Ghosts    of    the    Past 

re-visiting    London    for 

the   Coronation. 

These  four  afTecting  episodes  do  not 
differ  greatly  in  motive  from  those  to 
be  displayed  at  an  earlier  part  of  the 
programme,  and  will  illustrate  the  em- 
barrassment or  other  sensation  which 

.     ,  Lord    Haldane    introduces   Lord    Kitchener    in    the    Garden    Scene    from 

inevitably  be   experienced  ••  How    England    finds    Work   for  her    Greatest    Men." 

43° 


PUNCH,  OR  THK  LONDON  CHARIVAKI,  JUNK  7, 


3  i  BERNARD ?ARTMD<E/ 


1 JVSTICE  •'PEtfCE  • 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7.  1911. 


imjj^jy«* 

.^•K  -*-     &-    ^*»W  *      *-. 


E  B I 


Kthclred  the  Unready  causes  an  Obstruction  a:  •  Tube 
Booking   Office. 


Cjxton  is  overcome  by  one  of   the  familiar  Objects  of 
our   Street!. 


Richard    III.,   having   offered    his  Kingdom  for  a  Horse, 
can    get   nothing   but    a    Taxi. 


Dan    Chaucer    unfortunately    misses    the    Canterbury 
Excursion    Train. 


Ghosts  of  the  past   re-visit   London   for  the   Coronation. 


435 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  June  7,  1911. 


or  created  by  the  heroes  of  distant  ages  on  coming  into  contact  with 
the  developments  that  have  taken  place  in  London  since  their  time — in 
the  event,  itself  improbable,  of  their  being  in  a  position  to  return  to  their 
former  haunts. 

28.  Mr.    WILLIAM    WILLETT,    of  the    Daylight  -  Saving    Scheme,    will    sing 
his  strenuous  song— 

"  My  friend  Jones  arranged  with  me 
To  wake  him  up  at  half-past  three. " 

29.  Sir  ARTHUR  CONAN  DOYLE  will  play  an  exhibition  three-ball  (captive) 
match  with  JACK  SHERLOCK  and  Mr.  HOLMES,  late  of  the  Education  Office. 

30.  Following    almost    immediately    upon    the    exit  of  Mr.    HOLMES,    Mr. 
RUNCIMAN  will  perform  his  staggering  feat  of  "  Squaring  the  Circular." 

31.  Mr.  MAX  BEERBOHM,  Mr.  MAX  PEMBERTON,  Sir  HERBERT  MAXWELL, 
Dr.  MACNAMARA,  Mr.  SWIFT  MACNEILL,  Sir   HIRAM  MAXIM,   and   Mr.    1, 1:0 
MAXSE,  having  been  gazetted,   for  Coronation  purposes,  as  the  Seven  Macs, 
will  sing  in  unison  Wordsworth's  poem  on  this  hallowed  numeral. 

32.  Mr.  ARTHUR  BALFOUR  will    introduce  his  famous  troupe  of  Cecilians, 
and    Lord    Ugo   will   undertake   to    bite    off  the  ear  of  any  member  of  the 
Cabinet  who  cares  to  come  up  on  to  the  stage  for  this  purpose. 

33.  Mr.    GILBERT   CHESTERTON,    Lord   MICHELHAM,  Mr. '  EUGENE  WASON 
and  Sir  EDWARD  POYNTER   will   dance  a  solemn  Pavane.      In  the   event  of 
an  encore  Lord  MICHELHAM  will  reappear  alone  and  give  his  famous  serio- 
comic rendering  of  ROBERT  BORNS'S  eulogy  of  the  proletariate — 

"  The  rank  is  but  the  guinea's  stamp, 
The  man  's  the  gowd  for  a"  that." 


Sir  Sherbet    Becrbohm    Tree 
dispenses  midsummer  iced   drinks. 


34.    Lord  HOWARD  DE  WALDEN  will  appear  in  his  amusi.ig  monologue,  "The  Draper's  Assistant  "(after  the  late  DAN  LENO). 


35.  Eight  well-known  Harley  Street 
physicians  will  illustrate  the  dietetic 
value  of  Standard  Oil,  showing  how 
its    health-giving    properties    enable 
even  a  sardine  to  live  beautifully  for 
days  with  its  head  off.       The  title  of 
their  exhibition   will  be     "  Grace  in 
the  Grease."     During  this  turn,  Earl 
WINTERTON,     to     mark     the     festal 
occasion  by  an  act  of  self-effacement, 
will  appear  behind  the  scenes   as   a 
"  shout  off." 

36.  At    3.0    A.M.,     whether    the 
programme    is    completed    or     not, 
Mr.   Punch  will  bring  the   proceed- 
ings to  a  close  with  a  brief  Epilogue, 
in  which  he  will  embody  a  toast.  For 
the  purpose  of  this  toast,  Sir  SHERBET 
BEERKOHM  TREE,    supported  by  his 
company  of  Shakspeare   Revivalists, 
will  dispense  midsummer  iced  drinks. 


The  Alcoholic  Department  will  be 
under  the  management  of  Mr. 
HILAIRE  BELLOC,  attired  as  Chief 
Cellarer  in  non-particoloured  hose. 

Epilogue. 

Well,  you  Ve  had  the  whole  concsrn— 

And,  if  here  and  there  a  turn 

Fell  comparatively  flat, 

We  must  not  complain  of  that, 

Seeing  that  it  so  occurred 

No  performer  "got  the  bird." 

Thank  you,  then,  for  this.     And  now, 

Ere  I  make  my  final  bow — 

Only  one  more  bow  at  most  — 

Let  us  drink  a  loyal  toast 

(It  will  look  a  trifle  neater 

Put  into  another  metre) : 

"The   KING,  God   bless  him!    Virat 

A'ex  .'  "  And  Greater 
Britain    will    echo,    "  Vivat   Ke.\    it 

Impcrator  !  " 


7.  iyiL] 


rUNCJI,   OK   THE   LONDON   CIIARIVAKI. 


437 


"THE    DAILY   EVENING'S" 
PR  ZE   CORONATION   ODE. 

BALHAM  MAN  WINS  FIRST  PLACE. 

Tin:  entry  for  Uiis  competition  has 
boen  gratifying  in  tlio  cxtrouio.  Five 
,md  and  seventy-seven  o.lcs  have 
boon  sent  in,  und  nalurally  the  task  of 
adjudication  has  been  no  eusy  one. 
Perhap)  a  short  statement  as  to  our 
method  of  arriving  at  the  final  verdict 
will  ba  of  interest  to  our  readers.  In 
ihj  fi.'st  place  the  entries  were  gone 
through  by  a  train. ¥d  cashier,  who 
extracted  the  postal-orders  *nd  con- 
signed to  the  waste-paper  basket  those 
which  did  not  comply  with  this 
trilling  but  necessary  formality.  That 
done,  and  tho  money  safely  lodged  in 
tha  bank,  the  senior  oflics-boy  (a 
bright  lad  and  a  leading  authority  on 
the  Cinomatographic  Drama)  was 
entrusted  with  the  preliminary  weed 
ing  out.  Acting  upon  instructions,  he 
carefully  separated  those  of  loyal  and 
patriotic  sentiment  from  those  which 
displayed  Anarchistic  leanings,  and 
further  roduced  tho  number  of  "  possi- 
bles "  by  rejecting  those  containing 
French  rhymes — the  conductors  of 
this  competition  being  firmly  of  the 
opinion  that  entries  of  strictly  all- 
British  workmanship  alone  should  be 
considered.  A  printer's  reader  next 
glanced  through  the  residuum  with  an 
eye  to  grammar  and  spelling,  and  by 
this  means  a  final  batch  of  fifty  was 
reserved  for  the  judges'  examination. 
For  this  difficult  and  responsible 
function  we  were  fortunate  enough  to 
secure  the  sarvices  of  Lord  FHOHMAN 
and  Sir  IMRE  KIRALFY. 

One  of  the  most  serious  reproaches 
levelled  against  English  literature  in 
recent  years  has  at  last  been  rolled 
away,  and  that  in  the  most  decisive  and 
incontrovertible  fashion.  For  some 
time  past  we  have  hal  it  dinnsd  into 
our  cars,  both  in  and  out  of  season, 
that  our  poets  are  dead.  We  have  no 
hesitation  in  affirming  that  the  present 
year,  crowded  as  it  is  likely  to  be  with 
political  and  other  events  of  the  first 
importance,  will  bo  remembered  by 
posterity  chiefly  as  the  year  of  the 
great  poetic  renaissance  in  Great  Britain 
and  her  dependencies. 

It  must  not,  of  course,  be  supposed 
that  all  the  entries  reached  the  high- 
water  mark  attained  by  the  winning 
ode,  printed  below.  A  very  large  num- 
ber, however,  exhibited  here  and  there 
distinct  gleams  of  genius.  It  is  difficult, 
for  instance,  to  imagine  an)  thing  at 
oncj  more  simple  and  arresting  than 
tha  following,  the  opening  verse  of  an 
ode  that  comes  all  the  way  from  the 
Solomon  Islands : — 


From  Finsbury  to  Fiji, 

From  Clapham  to  C-iwnpore, 

We  Imil  tl.ce  King  and  (U.Q.) 
India's  Em]>eror. 

Of  very  considerable  merit  was  the 
work  of  another  Colonial  competitor,  in 
which,  however,  there  was  a  little  too 
much  sacrifice  of  dignity  for  the  sake  of 
effective  rhyming, as  in  the  following: — 

Let  (he  cheers  echo  from  coist  unto  coast ; 

Biiloni,  your  lojaVst.  hullal>aloo  raise  ! 
Utie;  the  loudest  of  "Hips,"  »iid  the  most 

Frenzied  of  "  Ho.  rays    I 


A  SUGGESTION'  TO  AID  THE  POLICE  IN  CARRY- 
ING OUT  THE  RJtCEXT  ORDER  TO  EXCLUDE  AERO- 
NAUTS FROM  THE  COROXATIOX  ROUTE. 


The  word  "  hullabaloo  "  is  perhaps 
hardly  the  right  term  for  the  expression 
of  a  nation's  patriotic  fervour. 

From  a  lady  competitor  comes  a 
tender  poem  giving  utterance  to  the 
feelings  of  her  sex  towards  the  KING  in 
his  quality  of  naval  officer.  There  is  a 
subtle  reminiscence  of  a  popular  ballad 
in  the  lines: — 

British  girlhood's  heart  thou  art  tlu  gaoler, 
For  all  our  nicest  maidens  love  a  sailor. 

And  there  are  some  fine  moments  in 


the  ode  which,  headed  "  To  George  V. : 
A  Regalia  llhapsody,"  opens  thus: — 

What  is  tha  crown  we  crown  thee  with  to-d»y, 
WHOM  brilliance  fairly  taki-a  our  breath  away  I 
A  golden  circlet  set  with  handsome 
Gems,  each  of  which  is  worth  a  royal  ransom. 

The  corrective  bathos  in  the  last  line 
is  very  convincing.  Tho  only  other 
poem  we  have  space  to  mention  is  one 
whoso  prolixity  is  but  partially  atoned 
for  by  Hashes  of  inspiration  in  such 
lines  as — 

George  for  his  England,  England  for  her  George  1 
and 

The  pyrotechnics  of  a  people's  pride. 
After  deep  consideration  we  have 
awarded  the  first  prize  to  Mr.  J. 
Milton  Slopp,  of  725,  Laurel  Avenue, 
Balham,  S.W.,  whose  fine  achieve- 
ment is  here  given  : — 

GEORGE,    thro  -gh    thy   Empire's    boundless 
tra  ts 

All  ejes  to-day  are  turned  on  thee 
And  on  the  interesting  facta 

Connected  with  thy  pageantry. 

When  from  thy  crowning  thou  art  come, 
And  all  the  aolemn  po:np  is  o'er, 

The  telegraphic  win-s  will  hum 
As  they  hare  never  hammed  before. 

And  then  a  hundred  million  throats, 
Making  the  woil  1-wide  welkin  ring. 

Will  loyally  essay  the  notes 
That  summon  Heav'n  to  save  the  King. 

On  thee  our  steadfast  gaze  we  fix  ; 

And  in  thine  honour  for  to-day 
Britons  confound  their  politics 

And  brush  thiir  diff'reuces  away. 

No  talk  of  People  verms  Peers, 
Of  those  who  toil  and  those  who  slack  ; 

Dustman  and  Duke  unite  their  cheers 
And  slap  each  other  on  the  ba-k. 

And  after — when  the  fligs  are  furled, 
And  all  the  festive  trappings  down — 

Shall  England  then  cos  front  the  wor  d 
More  bravely  for  thy  kingly  crown  ? 

Oh,  yea — a  thousand  times,  oh,  yes  ! 

For  through  the    Empire'*    brea  th    and 

length 
This  day  hath  shown  that  we  possess 

A  wealth  of  uni  jn,  »  hich  is  strength. 

Thia  be  thy  rtle,  then,  royal  GEORGE, 

To  bind  the  folk  together  fast 
With  loving  fetters,  and  to  forge 

Links  that  are  wai  ranted  to  last. 

Let  not  the  head  we  crown  to-day 
Walk  in  the  paths  of  horrid  strife  ; 

Wear  iu  thy  buttonhole  alway 
The  awe  t-pea  of  a  peaceful  life. 

Tho  very  large  expenses  of  conducting 
the  competition  having  been  deducted 
from  tha  entrance  fees,  the  rest  of  the 
money  goes  to  the  prize-winner,  to 
whom  a  cheque  of  an  appropriate  value 
will  be  sent  in  due  course. 


From  a  parish  hymn -sheet : — 

"  God  save  the  King  1 
Not  to  bo  taken  away." 

We,  too,  are  all  against  the  kidnapping 
of  His  MAJESTY. 


438 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  7,  1911. 


BLANCHE'S  LETTERS. 

A  CORONATION    SEASON. 

Park  Lane. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — The  Coronation 
feeling  in  everybody  is  showing  itself 
in  fancy  dress.  This  is  quite  and 
altogether  a  fancy-dress  season.  Every- 
body who  is  anybody  must  be  always 
dressing  up  as  somebody  else ! 
The  regulation  fancy-dress  dance  is 
always  with  us,  of  course  ;  but 
we  coronate  by  giving,  in  addition, 
fancy-head  dinners,  domino  suppers, 
this  poudrcs,  and  guess  -  who  - 1  -  am 
lunches.  Oh,  and  if  you  please,  my 
dear,  the  first  fancy-dress  wedding 
has  mads  its  bow — Lord  Oldpark's 
to  Hypatia  B.  Blogg  of  Pittsburg.  St. 
Agatha's  was  simply  packed,  and  it 
went  with  a  bang.  Oldpark  was 
screamingly  well  got  up  as  a  slot- 
machine.  "A  Million  in  the  Slot" 
was  written  across  him,  and,  when 
they  came  to  the  part  of  the  service 
where  the  ring  is  wanted,  instead  of 
the  best  man  producing  it  as  usual, 
Hypatia  herself,  whose  -white  satin 
gown  was  made  to  look  like  a  roll  of 
dollar  bills,  worked  the  Million-in-the- 
Slot  machine  and  got  out  the  wedding 
ring  in  the  regular  way. 

Your  own  Blanche  is  responsible 
for  the  very  latest  thing  in  costume 
functions  —  c'est  -  d  -  dire,  fancy  -  dress 
church  services.  I  want  to  persuade 
the  Sector  of  St.  Agatha's  to  preach  to 
us  as  Friar  Bacon,  or  St.  Augustine,  or 
one  of  those  old-time  preachers,  and  we 
would  all  come  as  Canterbury  pilgrims, 
or  something.  I  mean  to  coax  the 
dear  bishop  to  allow  it.  I  shall  put  it 
to  him  that  people  are  always  com- 
plaining of  the  empty  churches  in  town, 
that  he  must'  want  to  see  them  filled, 
and  that  the  way  of  ways  to  have  them 
full  to  the  brim  is  to  let  us  have  fancy- 
dress  services  on  Sunday ! 

Of  all  the  Coronation  dances,  so  far, 
the  big  costume  affair  (under  the  pat- 
ronage of  both,  or  I  suppose  I  ought  to 
say  all,  political  parties)  at  the  Gorge- 
ous Galleries  was  easily  first.  Beryl 
Clarges  took  charge  of  the  quadrille  of 
Typical  British  Peeresses.  She  told 
me  she  felt  a  bit  awkward  at  being  the 
only  Englishwoman  in  it,  and  that  the 
others  seemed  to  look  on  her  as  by  way 
of  being  an  intruder ! 

In  the  Little  England  quadrille  a 
quite  new  figure  was  introduced,  called 
Toeing  the  Line.  It  made  a  big  sen- 
sation. It 's  a  difficult  figure,  and  I 
hear  they've  been  practising  it  for 
some  time;  but  they  certainly  did  it  very 
well — to  a  queer  tune  called  "  Shil- 
lelagh 's  a-walkin'." 

On  dit  that   the  Bullyon-Bounder- 


mere  woman  has  been  to  a  ceitain 
Minister  and  asked  that,  if  a  new  batch 
of  peers  is  to  be  created,  Mr.  B.-B.  may 
be  one  of  them.  She  says  he  's  pre- 
pared to  give  something  enormous  to 
the  party  funds,  and  to  make  himself 
generally  useful  in  the  Upper  Chamber 
in  shoving  things  on  or  holding  them 
back,  wouldn't  want  any  veto,  and 
wouldn't  even  mind  being  abolished, 
when  once  he  'd  got  his  title !  But  the 
offer  only  holds  good  before  the  Coro- 
nation, as  they  both  want  to  be  present. 

Another  item  of  Coronation  gossip 
is  that  The  New  York  Trumpeter  has 
offered  Lord  Needmore  £100,000  for 
the  use  of  his  name,  robes  and  coronet 
on  the  22nd  of  June  for  their  repre- 
sentative, as  they  want  an  absolutely 
first-hand  account  from  a  peer's  point 
of  view.  And  Lord  N.  is  not  the  only 
one  to  have  such  an  offer.  It 's  to  be 
hoped  that  all  the  American  pressmen 
will  wait  for  the  supreme  moment  in 
the  ceremony,  and  not  put  on  their 
coronets  too  soon ! 

The  huge  number  of  visitors  in 
London  this  season  has  made  the 
taking  about  of  parties  quite  a  little 
rage.  Kiddy  Vavasour,  Norty's  younger 
brother,  who 's  very  nice  and  very  clever, 
but  a  fearful  pauper,  poor  boy,  saw  his 
way  to  make  a  bit  out  of  the  epidemic 
of  expert  guides  and  conducted  parties. 
"  Museums  and  historic  buildings  are 
all  very  well,"  he  said,  "  but  for 
one  person  who  wants  to  know 
what 's  what  and  where 's  where,  there 
are  thirty  who  want  to  know  who 's 
who  ;  and  I  'm  their  man  !  "  And,  my 
dear,  he  takes  great  gangs  of  queerities 
to  the  Park  and  to  Eanelagh  and  to 
Hurlingham  during  the  day,  and  in 
the  evenings  fixes  up  with  host- 
esses to  take  them  to  parties,  ranges 
them  round  the  walls  in  the  danc- 
ing-rooms and  tells  them  who  every- 
body is,  marches  them  through  the 
supper -rooms,  points  out  which  of 
the  people  are  on  diet  and  oughtn't 
to  touch  the  things  they  're  gobbling 
up  and  predicts  what  form  of  indy 
they  're  likely  to  have  next  day,  and 
lets  them  peep  into  the  sitting-out 
places,  telling  them  which  couples 
have  no  right  whatever  to  be  murmur- 
ing and  cooing  in  a  solitude  d  deux  ! 
His  fee  is  immensely  enormous  (each 
of  the  hostesses  whose  houses  he 
takes  his  crowd  to  expects  something), 
but  he 's  overwhelmed  with  business 
and  simply  coining  money  1 

Such  fancy  prices  are  being  offered 
for  town  houses  just  now  that  a  great 
many  people  can't  afford  to  stay  in 
their  own,  and  as,  of  course,  they  've 
(jot  to  be  somewhere  in  the  neighbour- 
hood, they  've  gone  into  lodgings.  The 
Middleshires  have  let  Micldleshire 


House  for  £5,000  a  week,  and  gone  to 
lodge  at  a  place  called  Holloway. 
Then  the  Needmores,  the  Sangazurs, 
the  De  Stoneyvilles,  and  several  others 
have  let  their  houses  in  Berkgi-ave  and 
the  other  squares,  and  gone  to  live 
at  Peckham  and  Camberwell.  They 
charter  a  motor-bus  among  them, 
which  brings  them  to  town  every  day 
and  takes  them  back  every  night — or 
morning,  as  it  may  happen. 

Pity  me,  my  dearest !  Someof  Josiah's 
relations  have  come  from  the  uttermost 
ends  of  the  earth  to  coronate,  and  are 
j  staying  here.  They  're  stout  and  red, 
and  want  to  "see  everything  "  and  to 
"  enjoy  themselves  "  ;  in  short,  they  're 
much  about  what  Josiah  was  before 
Somebody  took  him  in  hand.  Their 
vocab.  includes  such  phrases  as  "  the 
height  of  fashion,"  and  "  sumptuous 
entertainments!  "  But  the  wo:st  thing 
about  them  is  that  they  remember 
Josiah  when  he  was  a  boy  and  are  fond 
of  talking  of  those  pre-historic  days. 
I  bore  it  till  reason  tottered  on  her 
throne,  and  then  I  told  them,  "  Memory, 
socially  speaking,  is  bad  form.  In 
other  words,  remembering  is  not  done — 
except  whsn  written  in  the  shape  of 
memoirs  that  will  sell.  Just  as  people 
keep  their  money  and  valuables  at  the 
banker's,  so  they  keep  their  memories 
at  the  publisher's." 

Just  a  little  story  of  Hugo  Daubeny, 
the  Flummerys'  artist  cousin.  I  found 
myself  next  him  at  dinner  the  other 
night,  and  he  asked  me  what  I  thought 
of  the  Academy  show.  I  said  I  never 
went  there,  but  that  people  said  it  was 
a  dull  one,  and  I  added,  "  There  's  no 
Picture  of  the  Year,  is  there?  "  "  The 
Picture  of  the  Year,"  he  growled, 
scowling  at  his  plate,  "  is  still  in  the 
cellars  at  Burlington  House  waiting  to 
be  fetched  away  !  " 

Ever  thine, 

BLANCHE. 


"Indeed,  the  present yiar  is  doubly  assor-iated 
with  the  memory  of  Hume,  for  not  only  docs  it 
mark  the  la;se  of  ten  centuries  since  his  birth, 
but  a'so  the  passage  of  a  cuitury  ai;d  a  half 
since  his  great  history  was  completed." 

Bombay  Gazette. 

A  great   history,  indeed,  even  if  put 
together  a  little  too  hurriedly. 


"The  part  which  the  school  childiMi  of 
Edinburgh  are  to  play  in  the  celebrations  con- 
nected w.th  the  Royal  visit  to  Edinburgh  was 
discusse  1  yeste:  day .  .  .  .  It  was  remarked  at 
yesterday's  meeting  tl.at  if  30,000  children 
were  present,  that  would  be  the  equivalent  of 
the  Scottish  Arm\  aM5uimojkbi.ru."—  H:u!an>nn. 

We  wonder  who  it  was  who  thought 
of  that  tactful  comparison.  It  looks 
as  if  somebody  had  been  reading 
about  Bannockburn  that  afternoon, 
and  had  to  bring  it  in  at  all  costs. 


JIM:  7,   1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   Till-:   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


439 


CHARIVARIA. 

WK  have  no  complaint  to  make  in 
regard  to  the  Coronation  ;  but,  fond  as 
\vu  are  of  these  functions,  wo  trust  that 
it  will  ho  ninny  many  years  before  we 
have  another. 

Wo  understand  that  while  KIN<; 
(!KOH<;I:  and  (,)i  KF.N  MANY  are,  with 
chanicteristic  kindness,  determined  to 
do  their  best,  they  will  find  it  quite 
impossible  to  look  like  (tit  the  portraits 
of  themselves  which  are  being  given 
away  with  the  various  Coronation 
Numbers. 

:|:  ' 

This  wonderful  year !  We  already 
have  Coronation  Exhibitions,  Corona- 
tion Bibles,  Coronation  Dances,  and, 
for  all  we  know,  Coronation  Dog 
(•  i;;hts,  and  now,  in  addition  to  these, 
it  seems  there  is  to  be  a  Coronation 
Ceremony  at  Westminster  Abbey. 

'"#"" 

The  Coronation  Ceremony,  by-the- 
way,  promises  to  be  the  most  successful 
function  of  the  year.  In  addition  to  a 
host  of  notabilities,  the  KING  and  QUEEN 
have  promised  to  be  present. 

:;:** 

In  the  regulations  as  to  the  dresses 
which  Members'  wives  may  wear  in 
the  Abbey,  "  considerable  latitude,"  we 
read,  "  is  allowed."  We  should  have 
thought  that  this  would  lead  to  much 
undesirable  over-crowding. 

*  * 
•'.~ 

A  proposal  has  b.  en  made  that  every 
helpless  little  baby  born  on  the  22nd 
inst.  shall  be  named  Coronation.  The 
Society  for  Prevention  of  Cruelty  to 
Children  has  the  matter  in  hand. 

The  KING'S  wish  is  Law  even  to-day, 
and  we  are  glad  to  hear  that  His 
MAJESTY'S  desire  that  an  extra  week's 
holiday  shall  bo  given  to  the  boys  and 
girls  in  all  schools  in  honour  of  the 
Coronation,  is  being  accepted  cheerfully 
by  the  entire  juvenile  population  of  the 
country,  even  though  they  realise  that 
it  may  interfere  somewhat  with  the 
course  of  their  studies. 

*  * 

The  police  regulation,  that  all  lights 
in  connection  with  illuminations  shall 
!"•  put  out  by  12.30  on  the  morning 
following  Coronation  Day  presses  some- 
hardly  on  Eonie  persons.  For 
example,  a  lady  living  at  Pcckham  had, 
before  the  regulation  was  issued,  paid 
«'\tra  for  her  fairy  lamp,  on  the  under- 
standing that  it  would  keep  ali-ht 
until  1.30. 

*  * 

VM-  !;avo  a  large  amount  of  sympathy 
with  .Mr.  UK.NNETT  GOLDNEY,  M.P.,  who 
suggested  that,  as  each  Member  having 


G- 


A    CHEAP    SEAT    FOR    THE    CORONATION. 


'"E's    THAT    LOYAL    THERE'S    NO    'OLDIJj'  "ill. 

PATCHIN'  'IM  IP  A  SEAT  FOR  IT." 


SEE  Tns  PEBCESSION  HE  WILL — so  I  'M 


a  wife,  an  unmarried  sister,  or  a  daugh- 
ter, receives  an  invitation  to  the  Coro- 
nation for  one  such  relative,  an  equal 
privilege  should  be  extended  to  those 
who  have  no  wife,  unmarried  sister,  or 
daughter,  but  who  have  a  mother.  We 
consider  it  of  the  highest  importance, 
in  tl»3se  days  of  dwindling  population, 
to  hold  out  inducements  to  persons  to 
have  mothers. 

*  * 

At  the  Coronation  Costume  Ball, 
which  is  to  be  held  at  the  Botanical 
Gardens  on  Juno  16th,  there  is  to 
ba  an  interesting  innovation.  Mr. 


GBAHAME- WHITE  is  to  fly  in  his 
aeroplane  from  Hendon  in  costume 
to  attend  the  function.  The  success 
of  the  innovation  will  depend  to  some 
extent  on  whether  the  distinguished 
airman  alights  on  a  glass-house  or 
not. 

The  announcement  that  Mr.  EVE 
has  had  a  band  in  designing  the 
stamps  to  ba  issued  on  Coronation 
Day  has  led  to  a  stupid  rumour  that 
they  will  bear  a  representation  of 
Britannia  in  the  costume  of  a  Classical 
I  Dancer. 


440 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE    7,     1911. 


MR.    PUNCH'S    CORONATION    PROCESSION    REPRESENTING    ALL    CLASSES    OF 

HIS    MAJESTY'S    SUBJECTS. 


GRAND  MASSED  BAND  OF  RKI-REHKNTATIVE  MUSICIAN;. 


A  MEMBER  OF  THE  ARISTOCRACY. 


VOTARIES  OF  FASHION. 


EMB  YJ  DITTO.  BLOODS. 


Sl'ORTING    DITTO. 


fr 


CARMKI.ITE,  LEADING  STANDARD          POST-IMPRESSIONIST. 

I'.r.KM-l  F.li     BOYS. 


MINX. 


BEAUTIES  OF  THE   BALLROOM. 


JWJE  7,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   Ott   THE   LONDON   CIIAKIVAIil. 


411 


MR.    PUNCH'S    CORONATION    PROCESSION -(CONTINUED). 


CONTINGENT  FROM  THE  SCBVICI  CLUBI 


CONTINGENT  FEOM  TUB  LADIES*  CLCB8.  ilEKCUAM    F&IKCE. 


MUSICAL  COMKDT. 


CONTINGENT  or  THE  SHAM  SET  (IN  DOUBLE  HARNESS). 


OLYMPIAN  GOD. 


HUHORI.-.T. 


A  LADY  WHO  iro^v'r 

BE   IGNORED. 


ODDS  AND  ENDS. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHA1UVARI. 


[JUNK    V,    1911. 


LINING    THE    "  ROWTE." 

(Voices  in  the  Crowd.) 
Burly   Farmer.    Looky    'ere,  Jonas, 

when  they  coom  by,  can  'ee  get  Moother 

up  on  thy  shoulder,  lad  ? 

Jonas    (also    burly).    Noa,    Feyther, 

that  I  can't !     My  arms  are  fast  to  me 

sides,  like  a  goose 'in  th'  oven. 

Mother   (from   the   depths).  I  'm  all 

right,  Feyther,  don't  'e  fash  about  me. 


Pessimist  (sarcastically).  You  are  in 
the  wrong  place  here.  Madam.  You 
ought  to  be  in  the  Abbey  with  those 
plumes  on. 

Clear  Starch  :r.  So  are  you,  Mister. 
You  ought  to  be  in  the  Zoo  with  them 
ears  on. 

Local  Humourist.  Fellow  sardines, 
let's  'ave  peace  in  the  tin.  The  lidy 
wants  'er  'at  on  so  as  the  Queen  can 
see  it,  and  the  gent  wants  'is  ears  loose 


1  can  hear  th'  music 


fine.     Tis  our  I  so  as  'e  can  keep  the  flies  orf. 


I  do. 


Inventive,  Genius  (right  at  the  back, 
with  his  fiancee  and  his  fiancfe's 
aunt).  Now  we  '11  just  stop  here  at  our 
leisure  and  lean  against  these  railings. 
No  crushing,  no  heat,  no  bother,  quite 
happy  and  comfortable. 

Fiancee's  Aunt.  That  's  all  very 
well,  Herbert,  but  we  can't  see  any- 
thing. 

Fiancee.     But     we    shall,     Auntie, 
when  Herbert  has  fitted  his  little  in- 
vention together.     Tell  her  all  about  it, 
please !      Kindly  let   me  pass   he-ah,  j  dearie, 
please!     Constable!     Make     a    way]     Inventive  Genius.     Why,  you  see — 
he-ah  for  us  to  pass.     Our  seats  are  this  brown  paper  parcel  under  my  arm 

contains  the  sections  of  my  patent 
collapsible  stand,  which,  when  dove- 
tailed together,  forms  a  small  raised 
platform  capable  of  holding  three 
persons  at  a  pinch,  and  supporting 


Geordie  matters  more  nor  what 
What  can  'ee  see,  Geordie  ? 

Our  Geordie  (also  in  the  depths). 
Nowt  but  hats.  I  'm  that  dry,  me 
tongue  's  like  a  hay-rake. 

Burly  Farmer.  Suck  one  of  them 
"  thirst-squenchers  "  I  bought  you, 
m'  lad. 

Our  Geordie.  Can't,  Feyther.  They're 
in  me  pocket. 

Haughty  Feminine  Voice  (from  back). 
Will  you  let  me  come  through  he-ah, 


You 


on  the  stand  opposite. 

Constable.  Too  lato,  Madam, 
can't  cross  the  road  now. 

Haughty  Feminine  Voice.  Oh,  but 
that 's  absurd;  the  seats  cost  me  fifteen 
guineas ! 

Constable.  Can't  help  that,  Madam. 
You  should  have  come  earlier. 

Local    Humourist.   Only  one 


four  hundredweight,  and — 

Fiancee     (interposing     enthusiasti- 
cally).    And,  you  see,  just  before  the 
man  procession  comes  by  he  can  fit  it  to- 


could  get  you  to  them  seats  now,  Lidy.  j  gether  in  thres  minutes ;  we  just  stand 
Hauqhty  Feminine  Voice.  And  who  on  it,  see  the  whole  procession  go  by 

in  perfect  comfort,  and  then  just  wrap 


Haughty 
is  that  ? 

Local  Humourist.  Grihame-White 
in  'is  Airyoplane.  An '  he  can't,  either, 
cos  it 's  against  the  law. 

Haughty  Feminine  Voice  (to  rest 
of  party).  It 's  no  use  stopping  he-ah 


it  up  again  and  walk  quietly  home. 


How 


very 


clever 


Fiancee's   Aunt. 
of  you,  Herbert  I 

Small   Girl  (in  front  row).  Will  I 
see  more 'none  Queen — eh,  Mar?    Will 


— we  must  try  further  down,  de-ahs.       she  'ave  a  gold  crown  on  'er  'ed — eh, 
Rest  of  Parly  (in  depressed  assent).   Mar?     If  I   wives  my   'enkerchief  to 
Yes,  de-ah.    It's  no  use  stopping  he-ah.   'or  will  she  wive  'er   'endkerchief   to 

Laundry  Lady.  I  've  bin  standin'  six  1  me — eh,  Mar  ? 

hours,  an'  I  've  stood  six  hours  for  all  I  Mar.  Shut  up  yer  row !  (Turns 
these  'ere  royalty  shows,  but  I  never  I  viciously  to  scholastic-looking  spectator 
see  one  yet — becauss  when  the  people  behind.)  Will  you  take  your  umbereller 


shout  "  Here  they  come "  I  get  that 
excited  I  always  do  a  faint. 

Friend  (clear  starcher,  in  violet  hat 
with  feathers).  Wot  a  silly !  It 's  no 
use  fainting,  now-a-days,  when  they 
take*  you  out  into  a  back  street.  There 
useter  be  some  sense  in  it  when  they 
shoved  you  up  to  the  front  and  lei  you 
set  on  the  curb  along  with  the  sodjers. 

Pessimist  (in  the  fifth  row).  Will  the 
lady  in  the  violet  hat  kindly  take  it  off 
and  give  the  people  behind  her  a 
chance  of  seeing  something  else  ? 

Clear  Starcher  (shamelessly  em- 
ploying an  ancient  jibe).  Certaindly, 
Mister,  if  you  '11  tie  your  ears  back  an' 
give  the  people  be'ind  you  a  chance  of 
sesing  something  else. 


'andle  out  of  my  back,  Sir — you  didn't 
ought  to  bring  a  numbereller  in  a  crowd 
like  this — you  '11  be  doing  somebody  a 
injury. 

Scholastic  Spectator.  Excuse  me, 
madam ;  the  pressure  you  refer  to, 
which  from  my  cramped  position  I  am 
unable  to  avoid,  is  caused,  not  by  an 
umbrella  handle,  but  by  my  elbow. 

Mar.  Well,  if  that 's  yer  elbow — 
they  've  let  you  out  of  the  'orspital  too 
soon,  (hat's  all  I  can  say! 

(Strains  of  music  heard  approach- 
ing, and  sounds  of  cheering. 
Shouts  of  "  Here  they  come  ! '' 
Laundry  lady  promptly  faints 
with  excitement  and  is  handed 
out  to  the  rear.  The  crowd  sways 


forward.  Mounted  policemen, 
backing  their  horses,  assist  it  to 
the  curb  again  with  more  energy 
than  respect.) 

Burly  Farmer  (hoisting  up  Geordie 
in  frenzied  grip).  Theerr  lad,  look  at 
the  sojers  with  the  muffs  on  their 
'eds — look  at  the  faithful  Injuns  and 
the  bands  o'  music.  You  be  'aving  a 
rare  time  in  Lunnun  among  all  the 
kings  and  queens — hain't  'ee,  Jad  ? 

Geordie  (f/loomily  extracting  a  thirst- 
squcncher  from  his  pocket).  I  'd  ruther 
be  ringing  the  pigs. 

Confused  Voices.  "  Oo  's  the  blo'kc 
on  the  white  'orse  ?  "  "  Why,  that 's 
the  German  Emperor  !  "  "  No,  it  ain't 
— it 's  Kitchener."  "  Not  it — that 's 
Lloyd  George  ;  I  see  'is  eye  a-twink- 
ling." 

Inventive  Genius  (hastily  dovetail- 
ing the  last  section  of  his  invention). 
Come  on  up,  now — you  first,  darling; 
now  your  aunt. 

Fiancee.  That 's  splendid !  Come 
on,  auntie.  Are  you  up  too,  dearie  ? 
Ou !  Ou  ! !  Ou ! ! ! 

(Collapsible  stand  collapses  prema- 
turely and  precipitates  its  occu- 
jiants  oh  to  the  back  row  of  the 
croii'd.) 

Crowd.  Hooray,  hooray.  There  's 
the  King  and  Queen — God  bless  'em. 
Hooray,  hooray ! 

Pessimist.  I  told  you  this  was  the 
worst  position  on  the  whole  rowte — I 
can't  see  anything  whatever,  and  I  've 
lost  my  hat. 

Local  Humourist.  Nor  more  can't  I. 
What 's  odds  !  Hooray,  hooray  !  Give 
'em  a  cheer,  mate !  Wot  do  you  want 
your  'at  for? 

Pessimist  (in  spite  of  himself).  Only 
to  throw  it  up  in  the  air.  Hooray, 
hooray,  hooray!  !!-• 


"The  King  and  Queen  have  graciously 
accepted  a  cake  from  the  Food  and  Cookery 
Association." — The  Daily  Telegraph. 

It  is  rumoured  that  this  oblation  was 
to  have  been  reserved  for  Their 
MAJESTIES'  refreshment  during  the 
Coronation  procession,  but  that  the 
existence  of  the  cake  came  within  the 
cognisance  of  the  Junior  Members  of 
the  Royal  Family,  who  exercised  an 
intelligent  anticipation. 


From  a  catalogue  : — 

"  KINGLAKE  (A.  W.)  Invasion  of  the  Crimea, 
Its  origin,  and  Account  of  the  Progress  do.vn  to 
the  Death  of  Lord  Kaglan,  with  plans  of  battles. 

The  unrivalled  beauty  of  the  Scenery  of  the 
Lake  Districts  of  England  is  nowhere  so  fully 
and  consecutively  illustrated  as  in  this  exceed- 
ingly beautiful  work." 

The  author  seems  to   have  been  un- 
necessarily discursive. 


JUNK  7.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   01!   THK   LONDON   CHAUIVAKI. 


443 


Lady  (at  Ticket  Bureau,  buying  seats  for  the  Coronation  I'rocess'.on).  "OH,  I  WOSDER  IF  THE  TREES  IN  THE  TERRACE  WILL  PREVENT 

.SEEING   PROPERLY  *  " 

youth.    "YOU   NEED   HAVE   NO   FEAR,    MADAM;     THE  TREES   WILL   ALL   BE   CUT  DOWN    FC  R  THE   DAT." 


THE    EYESORE. 

[Addressed  to  Charles,  who  proposes  to  see  the  Coronation  Procession  with  ir.e  —  urging  him  to  loyalty.] 


CHARLES,  at  this  hour  of  pageantry  and  ermine, 
When  soon  the  royal  crown  (remember  that) 

Shall  rest  on  England's  King,  you  must  delermina 
To  pension  off  that  piece  of  mouldy  mat ; 

This  is  a  resolution  I  am  firm  in — 
Charles,  you  must  buy  a  hat. 

In  some  dim  long-ago,  as  I  imagine  it, 

In  days  of  stress  and  hardihood  and  fight, 

It  may  bo,  with  a  crest  or  else  a  badge  in  it, 
The  morion  you  wear  was  new  and  bright ; 

Yes,  at  the  crowning  of  the  first  Plantagenet, 
It  may  have  looked  all  right. 

And  later,  when  the  land  was  rent  asunder, 

And  monarch  3  swam  through  gore  their  crowns  to  win, 

On  some  bold  baron's  head,  creating  wonder, 
It  had  its  place,  although  the  fur  was  thin, 

And  by  some  strange,  discreditable  blunder 
Nobody  bashed  it  in. 

Circa  the  little  trouble  of  the  Eoses 
It  may  have  seemed  a  useful  sort  of  tile 

For  Coronations  after  battle-closes, 

Roughened  and  scarred  with  use,  and  bare  of  pile  : 

But  now,  when  Albion's  realm  at  peace  reposes, 
Charles,  it  is  not  the  style. 


Out  of  what  show-case,  with  nefarious  lever, 
From  what  museum,  or  what  midnight  troth 

Making  with  broomstick  hag,  the  baleful  weaver, 
You  got  it,  goodness  knows.    What  irat  its  growth  ? 

Is  it  a  silk  hat,  Charles,  or  is  it  beaver  ? 
Probably  bits  of  both. 

Give  it  away,  Charles.     Give  it  to  the  vendor 
Of  rags  and  bones,  or  sit  on  it,  or  hoof 

It  up  and  down,  or  burn  it  in  the  fender. 
Shall  it  be  said  that  garb  of  golden  woof, 

The  gowns  of  peeresses,  the  Life  Guards'  splendour 
Were  spoilt  by  Charles's  roof  ? 

Shall  History  relate  with  heartfelt  sorrow, 

What  time  the  links  of  truth  she  comes  to  forge, 

That  midst  the  cheering  on  that  splendid  morrow 
Were  hoots  from  England's  aggravated  gorge? 

That  one  old  stove-pipe  hat  impaired  the  Coro- 
nation of  good  KING  GEORGE  ?  EVOE. 


Already  worn-out  with  the  strain  of  preliminary  festivities 
and  the  general  buzziness  of  London,  many  people  are 
intending  to  seek  the  repose  of  Paris  during  the  actual 
Coronation  week.  The  rumour  that  the  KING  and  QUEEN 
are  among  this  number  is  fortunately  •without  foundation. 


444 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[.JUNE  7,  1911. 


prominent  members   in  both   Houses, 

ESSENCE  OF  PARLIAMENT.  [ami  was  a  model  of  patience  in  follow- 
(K.viuACiKi)  FI-.OM  HIE  DiAiiv  OF  Tony,  II. P.)  ;ng  important  speeches,  howsoever 
FANCY  that  among  possible  regrets  long.  13y-and-by  we  shall  have  another  j 
accompanying  change  of  high  estate  !  PRINCE  OP  WALES  on  the  front  Cross 
KING  GEORGE  V.  looks  back  to  former  Bench  of  the  Hous3  of  Lords  or  in  the 
opportunities  of  being  present  at  de-'feat  over  the  clock  in  the  Commons, 
bate?  in  this  House.  What  was ,  He  will  be  the  third  whose  presence 
permissible  to  the  PRINCE  OF  WALES  is  will  be  made  familiar  to  the  present 
forbidden  to  the  SOVEREIGN.  Forbidden  generation.  His  arrival  on  the  scene, 
perhaps  too  strong  a  won!,  for  if  His ,  probably  following  close  upon  attain- 
MAJESTY  pleased  there  is  no  reason  j  ment  of  his  majority,  is  looked  forward 
why  he  might  not,  upon  occasion,  to  with  keen  deiire.  It  will  be  the 


upon 

return  to  old  quarters  in  gallery  over 
the  clock.  Still  the  procedure  would  be 
long  unprecedented.  The  last  time  a 
King  of  England  entered  the 
House  of  Commons  was  when 
CHARLES  I.  came  a -looking 
for  the  Five  Membsrs  who 
had  affronted  his  authority. 
His  MAJESTY  on  that  occasion 
literally  "took  the  chair," 
having  with  half  apology 
temporarily  dispossessed  the 
SPEAKER.  Since  that  historic 
day  there  has  been  sort  cf 
prejudice  against  incursion 
of  the  Sovereign  on  floor  of 
House. 

His  present  MAJESTY,  as 
PRINCE  OF  WALES,  was  a 
visitor  as  welcome  as  his 
appearance  was  frequent. 
Herein  he  inherited  the  habit 
of  his  father,  whose  genial 
presence  beamed  from  the 
seat  over  the  clock  on  all 
big  nights  in  the  Common* 
through  the  last  twenty-five 
years  of  QUEEN  VICTORIA  V 
reign.  .,:  ,*  • 

It  is  little  more  than  a  yea 
since  KING  GEORGE,  all  un 
knowing,  paid  his  last  visit  ti 
the  familiar  scene.  It  wa 
the  early  spring  of  last  yeai 
Debate  turned  upon  the  nov 
ripened  question  of  Veto  of  tin 
Lords.  In  grave  speech  tin. 


renewal  of  a  link  that  has  long  bound 
Parliament  and  the  Crown  in  friendliest 
fashion. 


"A  VISITOR   AS   WELCOME   AS  MIS   AITEARAXCE   WAS   FREQUENT." 

(His  Majesty  Kixo  GEORGE,  when  PKIXCE  OF  WALES,  was  a  keen 
student  of  debate  in  the  Peers'  Gallery.") 


PREMIER  disputed  their  claim  to  over- 
ride the  will  of  the  Can  mons  on 
questions  of  Finance.  The  KING  that 
was  so  soon  to  be  listened  to  a  powerful 
passage  in  which  the  PEKMIEB  dealt 
with  analogous  case  of  the  Veto  of  the 
Crown.  He  reminded  his  audience  bow 
the  last  Sovereign  who  exercised  a 
privilege  still  unrepealed  was  QUEEN- 
ANNE,  and  asked  a  qur,  irj  which  in 
the  presence  of^j^V  ,  -^audience 
seated  in  the  PeSIf  kirl^i, . '  -iad  unpre- 
meditated significance,  "  What  would 
happen  if  QUEEN  ANNE'S  successoron  the 
throne  to-day  followed  her  example?" 

Like  his  illustrious  Father,  KING 
GEORGE,  whilst  still  a  Peer  of  Parlia- 
ment, took  keen  interest  in  Parliament- 
ary affairs,  was  personally  familiar  with 


AN    URBAN    ECLOGUE. 

STREPHON : 
How  favoured  are  we,  Phyllis, 

That  ours  is  not  the  age 
When  rustic  Amaryllis 

Enjoyed  a  rustic  rage  ; 
Her  freckles  and  her  frolics, 

Her  stupid  swains  we  know — 
I  've  read  their  old  bucolics 

(I  had  to  years  ago !). 

PHYLLIS  : 
1  haven't  (thanks  to  heaven, 

And  Fraiilein's  easy  yoke) ; 
But  still  I  fancy,  Strephon, 

I  know  you  're  tiresome  folk, 
Their  compliments — becowslipped, 

Their  idylls — of  the  sheep, 


Their  wreaths — that  o'er  the  brows 

slipped 
In  unbecoming  sleep! 

STREPHON  : 
I  picture  you  reclining 

With  cricked  and  aching  spine, 
To  catch  the  pan-pipes  whining 
Bsneath  some  draughty  pine, 
You,  Phyllis,  with  your  brooches 

And  Paris  frocks,  to-day 

Supreme  among  the  coaches, 

llesplendent  at  the  play  ! 

PHYLLIS  : 

I  simply  can't  imag'ne 
You  on  the  classic  lawns, 

With  no  Enclosure  badge  on, 

Amid  the  festive  fauns, 
Or  lounging,  say,  astride  cf 
A  log  on  summer  nights, 
You,    Strephon,    you    the 

pride  of 
The  window-seat  at  White's! 

STREPHON : 
They   knew   not   bands  and 

cities, 

.    Nor  streets  in  bunting  bound; 
Their    bunting    chirped    his 

ditties 
When  Pan  came  barging 

round ; 

For  in  their  futile,  far  land, 
The  only  crownings  were 
When    someone    dumped  a 

garland 
On  someone  else's  hair  I 

PHYLLIS  : 
Yet    sometimes,     when    the 

dawning 
Comes  o'er  tho   chimneys 

tall, 

I  find  I  'm  almost  yawning 
Half  through  some  ripping 

ball; 

It's  odd,  but  all  one  knows  is 
Just  then  that  such  things 

please 

As  hedges  and  wild-roses 
And  buttercups  and  bees  ! 

STREFHON  : 
Why  not,  then  ?     I  'II  have  fancies  ; 

I  too  would  botanise 
And  pick — I  think  they  're  pansies — 
.    The  blue  things  like  your  eyes, 
Or  down  the  Henley  reaches 

The  crank  canoe  impel, 
To  lunch  'neath  Shiplake  beeches — 

If  you  were  there  as  well ! 

PHYLLIS  : 
This  much  then  for  conclusion, 

I  'd  say  small  difference  is 
'Twixt  tommy-rot  effusion 

And  old  absurdities — 
The  sort  your  shepherd-sillies 

Fired  off  in  fatuous  flow 
For  rustic  Amaryllis, 

A  million  years  ago  ! 


JUNE  7,  1'Jll.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAlUVAlir. 


THOUGHTS  OF  A  CORONATION 
OOLLAB-BTOD. 

June  2lst. — I  was  sure  of  it.  Faith 
ful  service  for  maiy  ycsirs  is  to  b( 
niwiirdrcl.  I  am  to  bo  His  Majesty's 
collar-stud  to-morrow.  The  order  has 
just  I  o  :n  issucc'.  An  Eail  came  to  tl  e 
KINO  and  sa:d,  "  Have  you  any  special 
order,  Sir,  with  regard  to  tha  sleeve 
lin'  s  and  shirt-studs  you  will  wea 
to-mcrrow?"  "No,"  siid  the  KING 
promptly,  "  I  leave  all  that  to  you. 
Thero  's  only  one  tiling  I  insist  on. 
I  tunst  have  my  old  p'ain  gold  collar- 
stud,  the  one  I  wore  when  I  first  went 
to  sea.  It 's  my  lucky  stud,  and  1 
couldn't  think  of  wearing  any  other — 
you  know  the  one  I  mean."  "  Certainly, 
Sir,"  said  the  Earl,  and  the  incident 
ended.  I  am  now  on  the  KINO'S  toilet 
table  and  am  apparer  t'.y  to  stay  there 
to-night.  Is  this  quite  safe  ?  If  I 
wore  lost  could  t'.:e  Coronat'on  go  on  ? 
Oughtn't  they  to  put  me  away  in  a 
jewel-box?  But  then  the  jewel-box 
might  bo  lost.  Tush  !  I  am  over-ex- 
cited. Let  me  try  to  compose  myself. 

June  22m/,  7  A.M. — I  am  awake. 
I  am  still  on  the  toibt-tablo.  All  is 
well  EO  far. 

8  A.M. — A  valet  has  entered  the 
room.  He  is  moving  towards  me 
very  softly.  I  hope  he  will  be  very 

careful.    It  would There  I    I  knew 

it  would  happen.     He  has  knocked  me 
off  the  table.     I  have  rolled  under  the 
fendsr.     Help  !   help  I  ...    Tho  va'e 
has   not   noticed   my  fall.     What,  oh 
what,  will  happen  ? 

8.30A.M. — The  KING  has  asked  for  me. 
The  valet  has  fainted.  Messengers  are 
flying  in  every  direction.  The  KING 
has  said  again  that  he  must  have  his 
lucky  collar-stud ;  that  he  will  weai 
no  other.  Everything  is  in  confusicn 
Tiia  KING  B  not  angry :  he  is  only 
calm  and  resolute. 

8.40.  A.M. — A  Duke,  a  Marquis,  twc 
Earls,  a  Baron,  ssveral  Equerries  and 
a  Groom-in-Waiting  have  coma  in. 
The  Groom-in-Waiting  has  suggested 
that  they  should  all  look  under  the 
various  articles  of  furniture. 

8.45  A.M. — They  are  doing  so.  The 
Duke  is  stoutish  and  ho  breathes  hard 
whan  he  stoops.  They  have  looked 
under  the  wardrobes,  the  chests-of- 
drawers,  the  tables — under  everything 
except  ths  funJer.  When  will  this 
agony  end  ? 

8.50  A.M. — An  Equsrry  has  suggested 
that  they  should  all  take  their  shoes 
off  and  pa*o  over  the  floor  in  their 
stockinged  feet.  Anyone,  he  says,  who 
treads  on  the  stud  will  be  sure  to 
know  it.  Suggestion  adopted.  They 
are  pacing  and  re-pacing  over  the 
tloor.  Thn  KINO  is  cheering  them  on — 


AT    "THE    CORNER." 

Dc.tler.  "SHOULDN'T  BE  'EUK  AT  ALL,  AN  'ORSE  LIKE  TUAT." 

tlportsma.i  (itso  a  bit  of  a  connoisseur).    " QUITE  EIGUT,  QIKTE  HIJUT  ;  OUUIIT  TO  BE  AT 

CllllISTIE.S   AMONG   THE   ANTIQUES." 


but,  of  course,  all  is  in  vain.  They  are 
becoming  tired  and  desperate. 

8.55  A.M. — The  Duke  has  just  struck 
his  foot  against  I  ha  fender  ! 

He  has  stoppad  to  rub  his  toe ! 

He  says  to  himself,  "  By  Jove !  the 
little  beggar  might  be — no,  it 's  very 
unlikely — still  I  'd  better  look." 

He  is  bending  to  look..  It  is  a  long 
process. 

He  is  looking ! 

He  cannot  see  me ! 

He  is  looking  again! 

Hehasseenme!  Hepjuncesuponme! 


9  A.M. — I  am  safely  in  the  royal  shii  t- 
band,  and  everything  can  now  procead 
according  to  the  programme.  But 
that  a  \\ful  hour  under  the  fender  has 
taken  years  off  my  life.  What  shadows 
we  ara ;  what  shadows  we  pursue! 


"20  MILES   FROM   BRIGHTON'. 

LOVELY    LITTLE    GEXTLEMAX'S 

WEEK-END  RESIDENCE." 

Adct.  in  "Country  Life." 
Dear  little  fellow. 


446 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  7,  1911. 


COCKTAIL    COLLOQUIES; 

OR, 

ENGLISH  AS  SHE  is  GOING  TO  BE  SPOKE  AT  THE 
CORONATION. 

[Referring  to  the  thousands  of  Americans  who  are  preparing^  to  be 

•  in  London  for  the  Coronation  a  correspondent  of  the  Hearst  News  Service 

observes  that  "The  argot  of  Broadway  and  Market  Street  will  be  heard 

I  in   the   land,   from  the  drawing-rooms  of  Mayfair   to  the  purlieus  ol 

'  the  Mile   End  Road."   Its  effect  upon  a  receptive   London  is  here 

adumbrated.] 

II. — MANHATTAN. 

Scene:  Smoking  Room  of  the  Guards'  Club. 
Lord  Algernon  Hcnne-Heriot.  Yes,  siree,  Gussie  has 
the  whole  push  buffaloed  once  in  a  while.  Ahout  the 
third  rattle  out  of  the  box  Gus  corralled  four  bellhops  and 
hung  on.  I  read  him  wrong  and  started  sandying  for  the 
pot  with  an  ace  stiff,  and  by  jings  !  the  third  time  I  came 
hack  he  calls  me  and  lays  down  his  little  men.  I  nearly 
threw  a  lit  when  I  saw  them. 

Captain  Reggie  BratyL  Mangy  little  piker!  I  bet  he 
had  cold  feet  the  first  time  you  turned  loose  on  him.  It 
ain't  up  to  you  to  kick  though. 

Lord  Algy.  Maybe  not,  in  this  case,  but  you  can't  play 
poker  with  a  double  tarred  ball  of  twine  round  your  wad. 
Gussie  strips  off  the  long  green  about  as  cheerfully  as  the 
teller  of  a  country  bank  at  the  end  of  a  three-day  rush. 
Didn't  see  you  at  Lady  Betty's  Thursday. 

Reggie.  You  're  dead  right,  you  didn't.     The  fair  Betty  's 
shaken  little  Willie  for  keeps  ever  since  that  baccarat 
squabble.    Serves  me  right  for  butting  in.     I  started  to 
flag  her  in  the  park  Sunday  and  she  gave  me  a  look  that  | 
would  have  frozen  the  ears  off  a  brass  monkey.     Talk  about  i 
the  glassy  eye !     Going  to  Sandown  ? 

Lord  Algy.  Nit.  I'm  through  playing  the  ponies  now 
till  the  cows  come  home.  What  the  bookies  have  done  to 
n'e  this  year  is  a  shame.  Last  month  I  was  in  so  deep 
I  had  to  crowd  the  old  man  for  a  couple  of  thousand 
simoleons.  He  went  right  up  in  the  air  when  I  started  to 
make  the  touch.  Beefed  like  a  steer  and  talked  about 
having  to  put  a  plaster  on  the  Cumberland  estate,  and  a 
lot  more  guff.  I  thought  at  first  it  was  just  a  grand-stand 
play,  but  the  old  war-horse  wouldn't  reach  for  the  kale  till 
I  'd  promised  not  to  lay  a  bet  for  a  year.  I  hated  to  do  it, 
but  I  had  to  have  the  dough  and  now  it 's  up  to  me  to 
deliver  the  goods. 

Reggie.  Wouldn't  that  jar  you!  Odds  are,  though, 
you  're  better  off  without  it.  I  've  been  getting  the  dope 
on  this  horse  stuff  now  for  ten  years  and,  whenever  I  think 
I  've  picked  a  sure  enough  live  'un  and  backed  him  for  all 
the  dinero  I  could  muster,  some  rube  with  a  broken- winded 
bronco  bounces  up  and  throws  the  harpoon  into  me  six 
feet.  Suffering  cats !  If  there  was  only  my  fancy  to  beat 
you  could  win  the  St.  Leger  with  a  hand-painted  hearse 
horse.  It 's  a  fright. 

Lord  Algy.  It  is  that.     Well,  I  got  to  mosey  along. 
Reggie.   What's  your  hurry?     Sit  down  and  I'll  buy 
you  a  drink. 

Lord  Algy.   One  little  Bronx  cocktail.     I  '11  shake  you 
for  it. 
Reggie.  You  're  on.   One  flop  horses.    Etc.,  etc. 

ALGOL. 

A  big  detachment  of  Coronation  troops  is  to  be  housed 
at  St.  Martin 's-la-Grand.  "  In  its  former  occupation  as 
Post  Office,"  The  Daily  Mail  tells  us,  "the  building  provided 
accommodation  for  4,000  workers,  so  there  will  be  ample 
room  for  all  soldiers  like  to  be  posted  there."  We  take 
off  our  hat  to  our  contemporary.  "  Posted  "  is  happy. 


THE    CORONATION    CHAIR. 

HAPPY  the  bard,  and  privileged  his  lot, 

Who  finds  some  hallowed  thing  before  his  eyes 

Whence  the  most  torpid  brain  (which  mine  is  not) 
Rises  to  new  thoughts  which,  with  warm  surprise, 
He  feels  instinctively  are  good  and  wise ; 

These  are  the  themes  by  poets  held  most  dear ; 
Of  such  are  poems  made  ;  and  such,  methinks,  is  here. 

Yes,  'tis  a  sight  no  loyal  eye  may  view 

Without  emotion ;  here  the  gaze  is  fed 
With  the  great  Stone  of  Scone  (pronounce  it  oo), 

Brought  from  old  Palestine,  whereon,  'tis  said, 

Tired  JACOB  rested  his  nomadic  head. 
A  fine  thought  thig ;  let  cavillers  assert 
The  stone  is  new  Scotch  sandstone — what  are  they  but  dirt? 

But  to  the  Chair.     The  casual  regard 

Might  ho!d  it  for  its  office  all  unmeet ; 
Hewn  of  the  callous  oak  it  is,  and  hard, 
And  unresponsive  to  the  royal  seat ; 
Yet,  with  a  stern  composure  bad  to  beat, 
From  our  first  EDWARD,  England's  kings  have  sat 
Here,  and  have  here  been  crowned;   and  what  d'you  make 
of  that  ? 

Bethink  you  what  the  chronicle  relates 

Of  those  great  souls,  long  laid  on  history's  shelf ; 

Try  to  imagine  (never  mind  the  dates) 

All  their  proud  line,  from  Norman  down  to  Guelph  ; 
For  me,  my  wandering  dream  confines  itself, 

Somehow,  to  stout  QUEEN  BESS  ;  full  well  I  ween 
Good  heed  the  prelate  took  who  crowned  that  hasty  Quesn. 

They  coma,  as  in  a  mist  they  go ;  and  thus 
The  contemplative  mind  must  needs  recall 

How  surely  waits  the  dark  Mors  Omnibus, 
Looming  ahead,  alike  for  great  and  small. 
A  sombre  lesson  this,  if  this  were  all ! 

But  look  again  ;  look  clos"lier  yet,  and  read ; 
Can  those  be  letters?   Yes.   And  names?   They  are,  indeed. 

0  ye  unknown,  that  have,  in  ages  back, 

Carved  on  the  seat  of  kingship  each  his  name 

Or  his  initials,  thus  with  happy  knack 
Making  a  bold,  pathetic  bid  for  fame, 
Now  after  long  days  ye  achieve  your  aim; 

Not  to  the  kings,  ye  meaner,  but  to  ye 
The  minstrel  turns  his  muse  in  clear  apostrophe. 

Not  yours  the  royal  diadem  to  wear ; 

Your  state  was  humble  as  your  manners  low; 

Yet,  as  we  view  this  Coronation  Chair, 
Out  of  the  mind  all  kingly  visions  go — 
They  fade,  they  perish  ;  only  we' may  know 

Your  simple  toils ;  only  the  sense  is  gript 
By  these  rude  names  of  yours,  rough-hewn  in  clumsy  script. 

And  thus  we  learn  that  men  of  quiet  lives 
May  hope  not  ever  to  remain  unknown ; 

It  is  the  unobtrusive  that  survives, 

The  man  that  shuns  the  light,  that  works  alone, 
Who  carves  his  name  on  Time's  enduring  throne. 

Nor  is  there  one  so  lowly,  one  so  weak, 
But  may  attain  the  utmost — with  sufficient  cheek. 

Dun-DuM. 

.  i" 

South  Africa's  Coronation  gift  of  representative  aniiuals.  ' 
includes  some  "  velvet  monkeys."  Their.  British  grit,.ho?v»-,} 
ever,  is  shown  in  the  iron  heart  beneath  the  velvet  exterior. 


JUNK  7.  1'Jll.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON   CHARlVARf. 


417 


AT    THE    CENTRE    OF    THINGS. 

"SITHA,  MARY,  YON'S  T'  HALL  FOAKS  OFF  TE  T'  STATION.    WIIEER'I.L  THEY  BE  COIN',  THINKS  TIIA?" 
"Aw,  WANDERIN'  OFF  TE  LUNNON  OR  SOSMWHEER,  MEBBE.     BUT  THEY'LL  BE  BACK  FOR  x'  CORONATION. 


A    CORONATION    NIGHTMARE. 

THE  morning  -was  brilliant  in  .Kensington  Gore, 
When  Emma  remarked,  as  she  called  me  at  four, 
"  The  elephant's  waiting  for  you  at  the  door." 


So  I  put  on  my  slippers,  one  brown  and  one  black, 
Wrapped  my  form  in  a  waterproof  Union  Jack, 
And  cautiously  climbed  on  the  elephant's  back. 

There  were  three  of  us  there — the  Archbishop  and  me, 

And  a  man  with  a  racket,  a  portly  Parsee 

Whose  name,  he  informed  me,  was  Jim  Jamsetjee. 

"  Hurry  up,"  said  the  Prelate,  "  or  else  we'll  be  late, 
For  the  dinner  begins  at  a  quarter  to  eight, 
And  money  is  never  returned  at  the  gate." 

So  we  rode  and  we  rode,  and  the  elephants  sang, 
Beating  time  with  their  trunks,  in  a  glutinous  twang, 
An  anthem  of  which  I  've  forgotten  the  hang. 

We  were  flying  quite  nobly  when  Jamsetjee  cri^d, 
"My  elephant  says  that  he  's  punctured  inside," 
And  down  from  the  welkin  proceeded  to  glide. 

Tlio  various  survivors  to  dinner  sat  down, 

Mnt  I  snw  the  Archbishop  was  wearing  a  frown, 

For  I  hsid  to  reply  to  the  toast  of  the  Crown. 


I  was  pleased  with  the  duty  and  proud  of  my  fame, 
And  firmly  determined  on  playing  the  game, 
But  unluckily  couldn't  remember  my  name. 


Then  the  mist  cleared  away  as  I  rose  to  my  feet — 
It  was  just  at  the  corner  of  Arlington  Street — 
And  found  myself  airily  clad  in  a  sheet. 

It  was  awkward,  because  the  procession  was  due, 
And  the  rest  of  the  crowd  were  in  red,  white  and  blue, 
And  I  couldn't  unfasten  the  door  of  my  pew. 

Then  I  rose  in  my  wralh  and  exclaimed,  "  I^et  me  go. 

I  am  suff ' ring  from  partial  collapse  of  the  toe, 

But,  whatever  may  happen,  the  KINO  mustn't  know." 

There  were  pathos  and  pride  in  the  words  that  I  spoke, 
But  a  giant  guffaw  from  the  populace  broke, 
And  I  thought  they  were  justified — after  I  woke. 

Headlines  from  two  rival  contemporaries: — 

"  ROOM    FOR    ALL. 

LONDON'S  CORONATION  VISITORS." — Daily  Mail. 

" ' HOUSE  FULL '  IN  LONDON. 
MORE  PEOPLE  THAN  IT  WAS  BUILT  TO  HOLD." 

Daily  Express. 


448 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[.JUNE  7,  1911. 


THE   CROWNING    OF   JAMES 
THE   SECOND   (FOOTMAN). 

I  WAS  thinking  busily  of  tho  Corona- 
tion, with  a  view  to  saying  something 
new  about  it  in  our  "  Current  Events  " 
column,  when  I  was  presented  with  a 
letter  to  the  effect  that  my  ol  1  friend, 
Mrs.  Parker,  would  be  at  home  on 
Monday,  19th  June,  at  10.30  o'c'osk. 
"  So,"  I  wrote  on  a  postcard,  "  shall  I, 
and,  with  any  luck,  in  bed."  Then 
I  went  back  to  my  thoughts.  Later, 
I  had  another  letter  from  the  lady, 
explaining  what  a  funny  man  I  was 
and  that  what  she  had  meant  to 
convey  was  that  they  were  giving  a 
little  dance  to  celebrate  the  Coronation 
and  the  earning  out  of  their  fourth 
daughter.  "  All  right,"  I  wrote,  "  I  '11 
coma,  more  because  1  am 
interested  in  coronations 
than  that  I  have  any 
intention  of  marrying  the 
girl."  On  second  thoughts 
I  omitted  the  reference  to 
tho  fourth  daughter. 

I  tied  the  correspond- 
ence in  a  bundle  and  took 
it  with  me,  so  that  I  could 
prove  that  they  had  asked 
me  in  case  of  a  bother  at 
the  door,  and  the  first 
person  I  met  in  the  ball- 
room was  Tommy  Clarke. 

"  Hello,  Thomas,"  said 
I,  "  what  brought  you 
here?" 

"A  taxi,"  he  replied; 
but  I  told  him  that  was 
no  good  and,  if  he  wanted 
me  to  publish  his  jokes 
for  him,  they  must  be 
about  coronations. 

In  spite  of  my  faultless 


I  heart,"  as  she  appears  on  my  pro- 
|  gramme,  approached  the  burning  sub- 
j  ject  from  a  point  of  view  not  entirely 
!  egotistic. 

"Do  They  have  a  crown  each,"  she 
asked  me,  after  a  noticeable  pause  in 
the  conversation,  "  or  do  They  split  one 
between  Them  ?  " 

"Go  on,"  I  bsgged  her.  "This  shows 
promise;  "  and  1  took  out  my  notebook. 

"  What  I  mean  is,  people  always  talk 
about  the  English  Crown  and  hardly 
ever  about  the  English  Crowns." 

"  Yes,"  I  encouraged  her  ;  "  and  now 
for  the  central  motif,  the  kernel,  as  it 
were,  of  your  amusing  observations." 

The  notebook  had,  I  am  afraid,  put 
her  off  her  game.  "  Will  it  do  if  I  say 
something  about  every  sovereign  having 
five  crowns  ?  "  she  asked. 


'Half   a  Crown,   Sir,"   he 


is  better  than  no  recog- 


TIIE  CORONATION  HAT-PIN 
(MR.  PUXCH'S  DESIGN). 


evening  dress  and  my  stiff  white  shirt 
without  spot,  none  of  the  ladies  knew 
or  seemed  to  want  to  know  me.  So  I 
went  up  to  the  solitary  girl  by  the  door. 

"  How  do  you  do  ?  "  I  said  to  her. 
"  I  don't  suppose  you  remember  my 
face.  And  1  '11  tell  you  why  ;  I  don't 
suppose  you  have  ever  seen  it  before. 
Nevertheless  I  hope  you  like  it.  There  ! 
If  you  admire  my  courage,  come  and 
dance  with  me  and  tell  me  a  funny- 
story  about  the  Coronation."  The  only 
funny  story  she  could  remember  was 
that  she  once  had  a  father  (whom  she 
still  retained)  and  that  father  had  pro- 
cured ssats  for  tho  procession  for  the 
whole  family,  including  Alfred. 

"And  you  will  all  live  happily  ever 
afterwards,"  I  concluded  for  her. 
"  Delightfully  fresh  but  hardly  print- 
able. Thank  you." 

The  freshness  of  the  episode  wore 
off  with  frequent  repstition.  Indeed 
only  "  Many-a-plain-lace-hides-a-kind- 


I  shut  the  notebook  up.  "  If  you 
had  said  four  it  would  have  made  the  . 
joke  more  correct,  arithmetically.  But 
even  that  wouldn't  have  made  it  new. 
Let  us  suppose  They  do  share  a  crown. 
Can't  you  do  anything  with  it?  No? 
Well,  there's  the  band  again.  You 
mean  well  with  your  head,  but  I  expect 
your  real  skill  is  in  your  feet." 

After  that  I  determined  that  it  was  no  ! 
use  trying  any  more,  for  my  partners ! 
seemed  to  be  thinking  more  about  the ' 
fourth  daughter  than  the  Coronation  j 
and  more  about  themselves  than  either. ! 
So  I  made  my  way  to  the  Gents'  Cloak-  \ 
room  and  allowed  Second  Footman  \ 
James  to  play  about  with  my  coat  j 
while  I  got  into  it.  I  gathered  from 
his  semi-detached  air  that  there  was  a 
silver  collection. 

"Alas,    Jamss,"    said    I,    "I    have 
nothing  less  than  two-and-six." 

Of  all  that  gay  throng  James  alone 
rose,   however   unconsciously,    to    the 


occasion, 
said  glibly, 
nition." 

Whereupon  I  doubled  the  fee  and 
presented  him  with  five  bob,  partly  to 
secure  the  copyright  of  his  epigram  and 
partly  to  justify  the  title  of  this  article. 

THE  GLOEIOUS  FIRST. 

COMMENCEMENT   OF  THE  CLOUT- 
CASTING  SEASON. 

"  Ne'er  cast  a  clout 
Till  May  is  out." 

Old  S.tjiny. 

WHILE  enthusiastic  clout-casters  all 
over  the  country  have  been  impatiently 
waiting  for  the  passing  of  May,  few, 
perhaps,  have  been  so  enterprising  as 
the  Old  Etonians,  who  held  their  first 
meeting  at  Eanelagh  at 
12.30  A.M.  on  the  1st  of 
June  under  somewhat 
novel  conditions.  By  a 
clever  arrangement  of 
asetyleno  lamps  and  an 
illuminated  basket  the 
groundsman  had  made 
preparations  at  once 
adequate  and  ingenious, 
and  in  consequence  there 
was  a  large  muster  of 
ardent  O.E.'s.  Under  the 
circamstances  anything 
liko  accurate  casting  was 
scarcely  to  be  expected, 
and  in  the  practice  game 
that  had  bben  arranged, 
Puce  v.  Maroon,  the  com- 
bined flights  were  inclined 
to  be  ragged.  But  some 
good  individual  perform- 
ances were  put  up  that 
promised  well  for  an  ex- 
captionally  strong  ssason. 
Thus  Captain  Halfe-Pryce,  who  lei 
the  Maroons,  found  the  basket  with  his 
three-button  Jaeger  in  four  successive 
casts. 

While  this  was,  perhaps,  the  only 
team  play  indulged  in  at  such  an  early 
hour,  single  clout-casting  was  to  be 
seen  from  midnight  onwards  in  all 
parts  of  London,  while  in  White- 
chapel  Mrs.  Izzy  Aarons,  the  well- 
known  local  lady  champion,  achieved 
the  extraordinary  record,  against  a 
head-wind,  of  t3n-and-a-half  yards, 
with  a  heavy  rel  flannel  suspsnsory 
projectile.  Altogether  the  prospects  of 
the  new  season  are  particularly  bright, 
and  by  the  time  this  issue  appears 
clout-casting  should  be  in  full  swing. 


"Ti;o  lutli  lia^  been  thorough'/ cleaned  out 
and  reti.led  ready  for  this  season's  me." 

J:'r  'S.'tam  Jouniil. 

This  is  Winchcomhe's  contribution  to 
the  Coronation  Year. 


JUNK  7,  1911.] 


rtiNoir,  OK  THE  LONDON  CIIAUIVATII. 


449 


Cherub  up  aloft  (to  paterfamilias,  who  has  been  prevented  from  reaching  hit  teats,  for  which  he  hat  paid  a  large  sum)    "  NIVIB  Ton 

D,    GUV  NOB  ;   I  LL  TELL   YEB  WHEN  THEY   COMM  ALONG   IN   PL«NTT   OF  Tim  TO  TAM  Y«B    Al    OFT.™ 


THE   CORONATION. 

An  Essay. 

THERE  is  an  event  that  is  to  occur 
in  this  month  of  June,  an  event  of  such 
deep  and  mystic  significance  that  I  feel 
1  can  only  write  of  it  with  bated  breath. 
It  may  well  be  said  that  the  destinies 
of  a  country  and  an  empire  hang  in 
the  balance,  while  the  sun  that  never 
sots  burns  with  a  fever  of  anxiety.  You 
have  guessed  the  nature  of  that  event  ? 
Yes,  you  are  right.  I,  the  most  pro- 
found law-student  perhaps  of  modern 
times,  am  to  offer  myself  for  exami- 
nation in  the  Bar  Final. 

I  should  explain  that  this  section  of 
the  work  is  not  the  Essay,  but  is  in 
the  nature  of  an  introduction.  The 
ali.-od  Essay  has  been  written  by  my 
little  daughter  atat  twelve,  and  I  do 
not  think  it  can  be  suggested  that  she 
baa  distinguished  herself.  I  most  par- 
ticularly wish  to  impress  upon  our 
IV:U|(TS  that  it  is  she,  and  not  I,  who 
wrote  it.  My  little  girl,  Equity,  has 
grown  up  from  babyhood  in  an  atmo- 
sphere of  forensic  research,  and  of  recent 
years  she  has  devoted  herself  to  help- 
ing me  with  my  "  home-work  "  or 
"prep." 


How  it  was  that  the  Essay  which 
comes  infra  (if  it  comes  at  all)  ever  saw 
the  light  of  day  I  will  now  explain. 

It  was  this  morning  that  Equity  and 
myself,  sitting  at  breakfast  in  the  soft 
spring  sunlight,  engaged  in  the  follow- 
ing dialogue. 

I  had  propped  against  the  coffee-pot 
a  page  of  lecture  notes,  with  illustra- 
tions by  my  daughter. 

"  You  know,  my  dear,"  I  said, 
helping  myself  to  a  brown  crumby 
fish,  "  I  don't  think  these  pictures 
really  assist  me  much.  Who  is  the 
man  in  pince-nez  cutting  down  a 
tree  ?  " 

"  Mortgagee  committing  waste,"  she 
replied,  munching  toast. 

"  But  why  the  pince-nez  ?  "  I  pro- 
tested. "It 's  so  irrelevant." 

"  Mortgagees    are     solicitors,"    she ! 
explained  briefly,  and  for  a  time  there 
was   a   silence    broken    only    by    the 
sound  of  my  brain  at  work. 

"Papa,"     said    Equity    suddenly — 
Papa,  what  about  the  Coronation  ?  " 

"Well,  what  about  it?"  I  said. 

"  I  think  a  balcony." 

"  What  do  you  mean,  '  you  think  a 
balcony  '  ?  " 

"  I  think  a  balcony.     You  can  see 


all  right,  and,  what  is  even  more 
important,  you  can  be  seen.  I  think 
I  shall  wear " 

"  You  think  a  lot  too  fast,  little  girl," 
I  said.  "  A  balcony  indeed !  I  should 
be  ruined." 

"  Oh,  Papa,"  she  exclaimed,  with  a 
look  of  reproach  under  her  long,  dark 
lashes.  "I  should  never  have  believed 
that  a  paltry  question  of  money  would 
have  come  between  you  and  your 
loyalty." 

I  got  up  and  paced  about. 

"  My  child,"  I  said,  "  you  know  that 
the  results  of  the  examination  are  pub- 
lished oniy  a  few  days  before  thia 
so-called  Coronation.  Your  poor  father 
will  very  likely  be  in  a  Nursing  Home 
for  some  weeks.  Besides,  I  don't 
suppose  t  here  are  any  balconies  left." 
But  I  knew  at  once  that  this  last 
argument  had  weakened  my  case; 
Equity  would  have  her  balcony  if  it 
meant  asking  them  to  alter  the  entire 
route.  Still  I  felt  that  it  might  yet  be 
possible  to  make  some  show  of  paternal 
authority,  so  I  told  my  daughter  that 
she  should  write  an  Essay  on  the 
Coronation,  and  that,  if  she  took  great 
pains  with  it,  I  would  see  what  could 
be  done  about  a  balcony. 


450 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


7,  1911. 


"I'll  see  you,"  said  Equity,  pouring  I  him  genially,  as   I    observed    that  he        "Certainly;"  lie  put  his  hand  in  his 
out  tlu  marmalade,  and   immediately  I  had  unfastened  his  oflicial  hadge  and 
after  hrevkfast  she  seized  my  favourite  I  was  putting  it  in  his  pocket.     "  Many 


juill  in  her  chuhby  hand  and  wrote  for 
about  half  an  hour  in  solemn  silence, 
while  1  burnt  the  aromatic  tobacco 
plant  upon  the  heir, h  rug  and  struggled 
m  my  mind  to  trace  some  connection 
between  a  leading  case  in  torts  and  a 
picture  of  a  plumber  falling  into  an 
unprotected  bath 

12.30.    "  Now,  Equity,  I  've  finished 
the  Introduction.  Where's  the  Essay?" 

"  On  your  desk,  Papa." 

"I  can't  find  it." 

"  Then  I  expect  you  've 
been  writing  on  the  back 
of  it." 

"  So  I  have,"  I  said. 
"You'll  have  to  write  it 
out  again.  They  '11  never 
take  anything  written  on 
both  sides  of  the  paper." 

"  That  's  all  right,  Papa  ; 
we  can  expunge  the  Intro- 
duction." 

"Yes,"  I  said,  "or  the 
Essav." 


casualties  in 
women,  and 
suppose  ?  " 


the    crowd? 
tli  at    sort    of 


Fainting 
tiling,    I 


His  reply  was  lost  in  a  bite  of 
buttered  toast. 

"  There 's  a  new  method  of  treat- 
in  >nt  for  fainting  fits,  isn't  there?"  I 


went  on 

Eh  ?  "  he  said. 


"  New  method?  " 


"  The  ambulance  people  have  adopted 
it,  I  believe." 


AUTHORITY. 

THE  foreign  potentate 
who  had  been  lunching  at 
the  Guildhall  was  due  to 
pass  this  way,  on  his  home- 
wai  d  drive,  in  a  few  minutes, 
and  the  pavement  was 
packed  with  people  waiting 
to  witness  the  procession. 
1  was  flattering  mysell  that 
I  had  obtained  a  good  post 
of  vantage  (I  was  squashed 
between  a  very  fa~  lady 
and  a  pillar-box)  when  I 
heard  a  peremptory  vo:ce 
behind  my  bae.i.  "Let  me 
pass, please! "it said.  Turn- 
ing, 1  found  myself  pus  ed 
aside  by  a  brisk,  impor  ant- 
looking  little  man,  wh  )  wore 
a  whi  e  linen  budge  upon  his  arm,  with  |  "  Yes— yes  ;  quita  so.  Keep 

a  crimson  cross  and  circ'e  embroidered  patient  bolt-upright,  head  up " 

upon  it.  Evidently  he  held  sorio  oflicial 
position — an  ambulance  attendant,  a 


THE  ABOVE  DESIGNS  FOB  TOWN  BUILDINGS  HAVE  JUST  BEEN  MADE 
BY  A  COLONIAL  VISITOR  WHO  HAS  COMB  OVER  TO  STUDY  AND  IMITATE 
THE  LEADING  FEATURES  OF  THE  METROPOLIS.  No.  1  WAS  TAKEN 
FROM  TRAFALGAR  SQUARE  ;  No.  2  FROM  PICCADILLY  LOOKING  WEST— 
OR  EAST. 


pocket  and  pulled  one  an  analet.  1'ut 
it  was  not  white-and-red  :  it  was  ma.lj 
of  blue  sor<:e  with  three  wavy  silver 
lines  wriggling  round  .t. 

1    met  his  eye.     At  last — at  last,  he 
blushed. 

"  You  will  mwkindly  explain,"  I  said. 
"  Mum  's  the  word  !  "  He  looked 
round  furtively,  then  leant  across  the 
table.  "  You  promise  not  to  give  me 
away,  and  I  on  my  part  will  p:e  ent 
you  with  a  valuable  secret.  I  I  ave  a 
hobby  —  I  pursi:e  royalty;  1  like 
pageants;  I  adore  athletic 
contasts.  But,  being  small 
in  stature,  I  cannot  see 
a.n\  tiling  unless  I  am  in 
the  front  ro.v.  Now,  as  I 
dar:  say  you  have  noticed, 
we  are  an  authority-obeying 
nation.  We  are  herded  by 
badge-%vearers.  I,  Sir,  am 
a  badge-weirer.  It  is  true 
that  none  of  my  badges 
mean  anything — but  the 
public  lets  the  bad^ed  man 
go  where  ho  pleases  If  I 
want  a  good  view  of  any- 
thing, from  aroyal  cavalcade 
to  a  street  ascident,  I  slip 
on  one  of  my  1  a.l^es  — any 
old  thing  will  do — bustle 
people  out  of  my  path,  and 
step  into  the  front  rank  at 
once.  At  athletic  sports  I 
wear  a  rosette  and  carry  a 
whistle  in  my  hand;  at 
other  functions  I  don  a 
gold-laced  cap  or  an  armlet 
or  a  metal  button. 

'•  We.  n.lerful,  isn't  it"- 
he  smiled  at  me  sweetly — 
"  how  badge  abiding  we  are 
in  England  i  in  Germany, 
now,  I  should  be  put  to  the 
expense  of  buying  entire 
uniforms  to  get  my  best 
effects,  wh  reas  here — well, 
what  this 


steward  of  some  sort,  I  knew  not  what. 
In  allowing  him  to  proceed  upon  his 
errand,  whatever  it  was,  I  unfortu- 


you   saw    what   tl;is    arm- 
the  ,  badge  did  for  me  this  afternoon." 

"  1  saw  what  it  did  for  me,"  1  agreed. 

Head  up?"  I  was  surprised.  |But  it  was  impossible  to  be  resentful. 

Standing  on  his   h:?ad,  I   meant.'' !  Besides — now  I  came  to  re.'!e:t  — might 


This  emerged  through  another  bite  of  j  he  not  have  saved  me  that  three  guineas 


toast.     "  Feet  up." 

I  became  interested.     "  And  did  you 


nattly  lost  my  vantage-point,  and  when   stand  many  peopb  on  their  heads  this 
the  procession  passed  I  had  a  very  poor 
view  of  it. 

I  am  of  a  forgiving  and  docile  dis- 
position, and  when,  having  entered  a 


teashop  to  rest  and  recuperate  after  my 
fruitless  fatigues,  I  beheld  the  little 
man  with  the  arm-badge  seated  at  a 
table,  I  took  a  place  beside  him  and 
dropped  into  conversation.  "  Your 
day's  anxieties  over  ? 


afternoon  ?  " 

"  Two  or  three,"  he  replied  vaguely. 
"  Two  or  three.  Bather  a  nuisance. 
Never  had  time  to  look  at  the  pro- 
cession, myself." 


I  had  contemplated  paying  for  my  scat 
in  Whitehall  on  Coronation  Day  ?  A 
yard  or  so  of  Clarkson's  best  gold  lace 
would  cost  less  han  tliicj  guinea.3.  .  .  . 

1  must  think  ab  nit  it. 

Later.  I  have  thought  about  it.  I 
shall  go  as  a  Scout  troop-leader.  Nice, 
summery  costume,  quite  unobtrusive; 


"  But  I  saw  you,  planted  comfortably  and  I  have  seen  ready-made  samples 
in  the  foremost  row,  watching  the  pro-  exposed  on  mannequins  at  very 
cession  pass!"  I  was  growing  sus- ;  reasonable  nric.  s  Rhsill  fl.ssnmo  t.he 


was  growing   sus- 1  reasonable   pric.  s.     Shall   assume  the 


picious.      "  Excuse  me,"  I  added,  "  but   badge  of  "  The  Cuckoos,"  very  appro- 


asked  :  do  you  mind  showing  me  that  badge  ?  "   priate  for  an  act  of  usurpation. 


JUNB  14,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CHAUIVAUI. 


451 


CHARIVARIA. 

TTow  not  to  attract  custom.     From 
a  Fleet  Street  shop  window  :  — 
SKATS  TO  LET  TO  VIEW  THE  PROCESSION. 
PREMISES  COMING  DOWN. 
*  * 

: 

Persons  who  hire  seats  in  shop 
windows  in  order  to  view  Coronation 
Processions  should  really  he  careful. 
Upon  the  last  occasion  a  number  of 
ladies  and  gentlemen  were  subjected  to 


the  practice  prevalent  among  certain 
politicians  of  masquerading  as  states- 


men. 


*.  * 


Now  that  Mr.  BALFOUU  has  declared 
Music  to  bo  the  greatest  of  all  the  arts, 


crumpets  to  the  clause  by  which  news- 
papers may  bo  sold  on  Sunday  lias 
been  rejected  by  the  Parliamentary 
Committee  which  is  considering  the 
Government's  Shops  Hill.  ]t  remains 
now  for  an  enterprising  Sunday  pap:  r 


there  is  really  no  excuse  for  the  modest  each  week  to  give  away  a  muffin  or  a 
self-effacing  attitude  which  has  hitherto   crumpet  as  a  supplement, 
characterised    the   musical  profession,  j 
in. hiding  Musical  Comedy  actresses. 


V 


In  a  discussion  on  "  State  Medicine," 
at  Caxton  llall,   it  was  reported  that 
All  honour  to  the  Strand  draper  svho   not  only  was  the  possible  number  of 


*.„* 


no  little  annoyance  from  a  ribald  crowd  j  exhibited  a  cautionary  notice  in  his  shop  patients   for  each   doctor   less    to-day 


because  the  plate  glass  front  of  the  shop 
bore  the  words: — "If  you  do  not  see 
what  you  want  in  the  window,  walk 

inside." 

*  * 

South  Africa's  present  to  the  KINO 
of  a  collection  of  its  local  mammals 

arrived  last  week.     The 

disappointment  .  shown 
by  some  of  the  beasts  on 
being  driven  to  the  Zoo, 
instead  of  to  Bucking- 
ham Palace,  was  pitiable  i 
to  behold. 

V 

It  used  to  be  con- 
sidered bad  form  to  hit 
a  man  when  ho  is  down. 
At  any  rate  it  was 
thoughtless  of  the  private 
secretary  to  the  LORD 
CHANCELLOR  to  cause  it 
to  be  announced  in  The 
Times  that  no  transfer-  • 
able  tickets  to  view  the 
Royal  Processions  will 
be  forwarded  to  peers 
until  payment  has  been 
received. 

*  * 

It  has  been  proposed 
in  Berlin  that  Morocco 
shall  be  partitioned 
between  France  and  Germany.    It  does 
credit  to  the  German  sense  of  fairness 
that  France's  claim  to  a  piece  of  the 

country  should  be  recognised. 

*  * 

On  a  motion  being  submitted  to  the 

Postmen's  Federation  calling  for  the  GEORGE  ;  "  an  expensive  operation,  but 
abolition  of  Christmas-boxes,  with  i  well  worth  doing."  Several  "beauty 
suitable  compensation  in  lieu  thereof,  doctors  "  are  protesting  that  there  is 
an  amendment  was  proposed  to  omit  (  no  necessity  at  all  for  the  operation  to 
the  reference  to  compensation, 
blush  to  have  to  report  that 

amendment  was  rejected,  and,  in  our  i  advertisements, 
opinion,  the  postmen,  instead  of  being  I 


window  the  other  day : — "  THESE  TIES  than  twenty-eight  years  ago,  but  each 
WILL  ONLY  LAST  A  FEW  DAYS."  |  patient  needed  less  medical  attendance 

*.„*  \  than  formerly.    The  Sickness  Insurance 

According  to   Sir    Rurus   ISAACS  a   Bill  will,  however,  remedy  the  latter 
certain  German  newspaper  has  declarer!   half  of  the  grievance, 
that  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE    deserves    a 
statue  in  Westminster  Abbey.     As  it 


V 

Some  persons,  by  the  way,  who  have 
studied  the  tendency  to 
malingering  under  the 
Workmen's  Compensa- 
tion Act,  consider  that  a 
more  apt  title  for  the  new 
measure  would  be,  "A 
Bill  to  Ensure  Sickness." 

••:••  :  : 

Our  methods  of  loco- 
motion are  certainly  in 
the  melting  pot.  New 
vehicles  are  being  invent- 
ed every  day.  To  The 
Observer  falls  the  honour 
of  being  the  first  to  draw 
our  attention  to  "  a  hour- 
in-hand  coach."  This 
must  be  the  very  anti- 
thesis of  the  coaches  in 
use  on  one  at  least  of  our 
railway  sys'  ems. 


TRADE  SECKETS. 

Professional    Proph  t.    "  FlALLO,    ARE    YOU    THE    METEOROLOGICAL    OFFICE  1 
WELL,   I'M  JUST  OFF  TO  SOUTHEND  FOR  THE  DAY.    Do  YOU  THINK  THE  FAIH 

WEATHER  WILL   LAST,    OR   OCGUT   I   TO  TAKE   MY   UMBRELLA  I" 


is  not  the  custom  to  erect  a  statue 
there  during  a  man's  lifetime  the  com- 
pliment is  rather  a  doubtful  one. 

*  „* 

"  We    are    renewing  the    youth    of 
the   nation,"    announced    Mr.    LLOYD 


We   be  an  expensive  one ;  but  we  cannot 
the  '  allow  this  column  to  be  a  medium  for 


very  fine  fellows,  are  now  only  rather 
fine  fellows. 

*  * 

The  question  as  to  the  propriety  of 


Certain  tactless  husbands  have"  made 
conversation"  during  the  past  week 
by  drawing  their  wives'  attention  to 
the  following  announcement  in  Tlie 


certain  costumes   worn    at   a    certain  J  Canad ian  Gazette: — " Canada  can  well 
more-or-less   political   fancy-dress  ball  I  do  with  all  the  women  the  Old  Country 


has  recently  been  discussed.  Curiously 
enough  the  greatest  evil  of  all  was 
not  touched  upon.  We  refer  to 


can  spare. 

:!'    -> 

An  amendment  adding  muffins  and 


In  consequence  of  their 
liability  to   be  attacked 
;  by  eagles,  all  airmen  are 
-'  now  recommended  to  'n- 
clude  butterfly  nets  in  their  equipment. 
* .  * 

"  Madame  TETRAZZIKI,"  we  learn  from 
a  recent  issue  of  The  Express,  "  sang 
'  The  Last  Pose  of  Summer.'  "  Seeing 
that  in  recent  years  Summer  has  posed 
as  Winter,  we  are  glad  to  gather  that 

there  is  to  be  an  end  of  this. 

- 
* 

What  is  described  as  "  a  clock-work 
cook  "  has  been  invented.  "  The  new 
machine,"  we  are  told,  "  will  perform 
one  complete  revolution  a  minute  for 
ninety-five  minutes  without  receiving 
any  attention  whatever."  There  should 
be  a  great  demand  for  this  in  South 
America. 

*-* 

"  All  standard  authorities,"  says  Dr. 
PERCY  LEWIS,  "  are  opposed  to  the 
view  that  chalk  in  drinking  water  does 
any  harm."  This  is  a  great  triumph 
for  the  milk  trade. 


n  B 


452 


PUNCH, 


THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  14,  1911. 


ALL  THE    PREPARATIONS. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  oicn  Special  French  Correspondent.) 

DEAR  AND  VERY  HONOURED  MISTER. — It  needs  that  I  tell 
you  the  history  of  an  affair  almost  bleeding  which  I  come 
of  having  with  Mister  McAndrew  a  propos  of  a  billet 
(ho  call  them  tickets;  I  call  them  billets)  for  the  crown- 
ment  of  the  King  George  Five.  Me,  I  am  of  a  natural 
very  sweet.  I  do  not  inflame  myself  very  easily.  I  have 
not" batted  myself  in  duel  but  one  time  and  then  it  was  my 
adversary  who  provoked  me.  I  have  lanced  him  a  straight 
cup  to  the  shoulder  at  the  first  engagement  and  retired 
myself  sane  and  safe  from  the  groundplot  without  even  a 
scratching.  After  that  one  has  left  me  tranquil. 

But  let  us  re-come  to  our  McAndrew. 

Mr.  McAndrew  seem  to  have  his  domicile  at  the  cabaret, 
but  sometime  he  visit  the  house  of  Mistress  •  McAndrew, 
where  I  have  loued  a  chamber  to  sleep.  Or,  one  morning 
Mister  McAndrew  hear  me  speak  of  a  billet  for  the  Crown- 
ment.  At  once  the  rascal  take  an  air  goguenard.  "  Without 
doubt,"  he  say  me,  "you  do  not  desire  to  pay  a  price 
too  high  1 "  "  Naturalmently,"  I  say  him.  "  In  Francs  we 
do  not  employ  ourselves  to  throw  money  to  the  water." 

"  Nor  in  Scotland  not  more,"  he  answer  me  in  laughing. 

Then  he  recounts  me  that  he  has  a  friend,  one  named 
Johnson,  who  have  billets  to  sell  at  a  price  very  modest. 
It  is  at  a  shop  in  the  celebrated  street  of  Pall  Mall.  The 
ordinary  price  is  one  hundred  francs,  but  for  the  friends 
of  McAndrew  he  will  not  ask  but  fifty  francs  par  billet. 
I  demand  him  to  procure  me  a  billet  at  fifty  francs,  and  he 
promise  that  he  will  do  of  his  best.  Afterwards  he  come 
to  me  and  after  having  regarded  round  of  himself  he  say 
me  to  the  ear,  "  Perhaps  you  will  well  pay  me  now.  That 
will  be  more  quick  and  more  easy."  Me  confiant  like  a 
lamb  I  pull  my  purss  and  count  him  two  pounds.  "  All 
right,"  he  say  and  sorts. 

After  to-morrow  he  re-comes.  He  has  a  poched  eye  and 
the  nose  very  red,  and  he  scents  the  whiskey,  but  I 
suspect  nothing.  He  say  me  that  unhappymently  Mister 
Johnson  has  soiled  all  the  billets  at  fifty  francs,  and  that 
there  rest  only  billets  at  a  hundred  francs.  He  ask  me  if 
I  will  to  pay  that  price.  I  say  "yes  I  will  well/'  and 
give  him  two  pounds  of  more. 

In  the  morning  he  approach  me.  The  other  eye  is 
poched,  the  nose  is  again  more  red.  This  time  he  wakes 
me  suspicions  and  I  say :  "  Do  not  tell  me  I  have  two 
pounds  of  more  to  pay." 

"  It  is  justmently  that,"  he  say.  "  We  were  too  late. 
The  seats  at  four  pounds  come  to  be  selled." 

"  Give  me  my  four  pounds,"  I  say  to  him  with  coldness. 
At  this  he  recries  himself  and  say  I  have  no  confiance  in 
him.  Do  I  wish  to  call  him  a  voler,  him  the  most 
honourable  man  of  the  quarter  ?  Ah,  he  will  fetch  a  com- 
missary of  police  and  will  insign  me  how  I  must  -conduct 
myself.  At  the  end  I  lose  patience  and  the  mustard 
mounts  me  to  the  nose.  I  jump  him  at  the  figure  and 
commence  to  arrash  him  his  red  favorits  : — 

"Ah,  polisson,"  I  cry  me,  "is  it  like  that  you  vole  the 
honest  peoples  ?  I  know  him,  your  Mister  Johnson.  I 
have  rencountered  him  at  Paris.  He  was  in  the  house  of 
correction,  and  it  is  there  one  will  send  you,  gross  rascal. 
Yes,  I  will  fetch  the  whole  corps  of  police,  and  they  shall 
hear  my  story,  and  dress  you  a  proces  verbal,  my  beautiful 
mister."  And  I  apply  him  my  right  foot  in  the  back,  and 
he  fall  down  and  demands  me  pardon. 

Mrs.  McAndrew,  poor  woman,  has  paid  me  my  four 
pounds,  and  I,  I  have  solded  my  count  and  have  changed 
the  lodges.  I  am  now  in  Putney,  near  to  the  bords  of  the 
Thames.  JULES  MILLEFOIS. 


IN    A   GOOD   CAUSE. 

KINO  GEORGE'S  suggestion  that  Schools  should  be 
allowed,  if  possible,  an  extra  week's  holiday  in  honour 
of  His  MAJESTY'S  Coronation  has  been  received  with 
marked  approval  by  the  loyalty  of  tlia  rising  generation. 
Mr.  Punch  now  begs  to  appeal  for  those  less  fortunate 
childran  who  have  no  means  of  spending  holidays  in  the 
country  except  by  the  kind  help  of  generous  friends.  He 
appeals,  in  particular,  for  the  Fresh  Air  Fund,  which  has 
now  reached  its  twentieth  season.  It  is  hoped,  at  the 
cost  of  £12,000,  to  give  a  day's  holiday  in  the  good  air  to 
250,000  boys  and  girls,  and  a  fortnight's  holiday  to  4,000. 
The  money  required  for  this  purpose  will  be  devoted 
entirely  to  the  actual  expenses  of  holiday-making,  the  cost 
of  organization  being  borne  by  the  promoters  of  the  Fund, 
Messrs.  C.  ARTHUR  PEARSON,  LTD.  Mr.  Punch  ventures  to 
plead  with  his  readers  to  make  a  special  effort  to  do  honour 
to  the  KING  (who  is  patron  of  the  Fresh  Air  Fund)  by 
making  His  MAJESTY'S  Coronation  year  a  record  in  the 
annals  of  this  good  cause.  Contributions  should  be  ad- 
dressed to  the  Hon.  Sec.  Fresh  Air  Fund,  "PKAESON'S," 
Henrietta  St.,  W.C. 


A  Shadow  Across  the  Coronation. 

The  following  terrible  news  reaches  us  from  no  less  an 
authority  than  The  Weekly  Call  of  San  Francisco : — 
"AMERICANS  DENIED  COURT  PRIVILEGES. 

There  are  hundred}  of  bitterly  disappointed  ones  in  London  who 
thought  Ambassador  Reid  could  secure  their  appearance  at  court  and 
get  them  good  scats  in  the  abbey. 

The  limit  assigned  to  American  presentations  is  considered  altogether 
out  of  reason,  considering  that  Americans  compose  so  large  a  part  of  the 
class  of  society  that  is  making  things  hum  socially  for  the  coronation 
season.  Many  are  going  away  in  disgust  to  Paris  and  other  parts  of 
the  continent.  The  British  tradespeople  are  accordingly  on  the  verge 
of  a  panic." 

Can  nothing  be  done  to  stop  this  rot  ? 


"MASONIC. 

CORONATION  DAY  PROCESSION. 

It  has  been  decided  (at  a  joint  meeting  of  representatives  from  the 
Lodges)  that  tlie  Freemasons  take  part  in  the  Procession.  It  is  hoped 
the  Brethren  will  make  every  effort  to  turn  out  on  such  a  special 
occasion.  Dress  :  Dark  White  Tie,  and  White  Gloves." 

Arbroath  Herald. 

The  march  of  the  brethren  should  be  the  making  of 
the  day.  The  best  dark  white  effects  in  ties  are  obtained 
by  wearing  them  frequently  before. 

The  Poetic  Touch. 

"The  rain  came  down  in  sheets,  and  poured  through  the  streets  with 
the  violence  of  a  mill  sluice.  The  result  was  that  the  High  Street, 
Albion  Street,  and  other  thoroughfares  speedily  resembled  a  vast  lagoon, 
water  rippling  and  bubbling  everywhere,  so  that  the  centre  of  the  town 
was  for  the  nonce  converted  into  a  replica  of  gleaming  Naples  with  its 
aqueous  streets  along  which  pretty  gondolas  'skim  the  smooth  surface 
o'er.'  " — Dunstable  Borough  Gazette. 


"O  what  a  night  it  was  to  have  been!" 

"The  Mayor  of  Portsmouth's  banquet  to  the  Dominion  representatives, 
which  had  been  fixed  for  Friday,  June  23rd,  has  been  cancelled  owing  to 
the  difficulty  which  would  be  experienced  in  embarking  the  guests  in 
time  for  the  Naval  Review  the  next  morning." — Times. 

Our  Cheshire  Dynasty. 

The  Birkenhead  and  Cheshire  Advertiser  announces  a 
special  Coronation  Supplement  comprising  "  special 
copyright  pictures  of  the  King,  the  Queen  and  the  Prince 
of  Wales,  and  many  other  local  celebrities." 

Suggested  title  for  the  forthcoming  450,000-ton  White 
Star  Liner : — The  "  Pierponterrific." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAEIVABL— JPM  14.  1911. 


A  SOFT  THING. 

SIR  EDWARD  GREY  (on  "  Declaration  of  London ").   "  HAD  A  BIT  TO   SPABE  THAT  TIME ! ' 


• 


JUNE  14,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARf. 


455 


HOW    TO    MAKE    A    GOOD    FIRST    IMPRESSION. 

Young  Lady  from  Toicn  (stopping  in  the  middle  of  elaborate  curtsey,  during  course  of  introduction  at  country  dinner-parly). 

STUPID  OF  ME!      SO  SORRY — BUT   REALLY    IS   IiONDON  THIS   YEAR,    YOU   KNOW — ALMOST  A   HABIT" — (sensation). 


'  Oil !    now 


ON   SHAKSPEAREAN   DEBT. 

[Recent  Shakspearean  criticism  has  badly  damaged  the  older  pictures 
of  the  Foot's  embarrassments  in  early  manhood.  But  Mr.  ranch  is 
unwilling  to  forego  his  illusions  under  that  head.] 

LEAVE  to  the  strong  the  work  of  demolition  ; 

Leave  to  sour  Truth  the  hangman's  studied  task ; 
But  we,  well-grounded  in  a  good  tradition, 

With  faithful  hand  restore  the  falling  mask. 

Oh,  born  in  days  when  Song  flashed  double-hladed ; 

When  fire  Promethean  burned  on  every  hill ; 
When  cash  was  queer,  and  guineas  all  were  spaded — 

Thy  debts,  dear  Ba.rd,  release  an  influence  still  I 

Calm  in  thy  ways  and  frugal  in  thy  diet, 

As  suits  a  Ghost  supernally  refined, 
Past  tribulations  still  invade  thy  quiet, 

And  storm  the  bulwarks  of  thy  dreaming  mind. 

Still  at  thy  heels  the  dogs  of  Jewry  wander ; 

Still  thy  vast  brain  manipulates  a  sum ; 
And  airier  riches  than  the  Muses  squander 

Steal  to  thy  hand,  and  there  too  soon  succumb  1 

And  one  groat  fear,  the  first  to  gain  admittance, 
The  last  repelled,  falls  cold  across  thy  heart : — 

Lest  the  lost  Folio  of  thy  Debt  and  Quittance 
Should  re-appear,  and  shock  the  open  mart  1 


Yet  of  the  Plays,  the  seven-and-fchirty  listed, 

Who  would  not  spare  a  dozen,  ay,  or  two. 
For  the  Great  Words  whose  energy  assisted 

The  slender  structure  of  an  I.O.U.  ? 
Or  did  you,  craftier  than  your  craftiest  sonnet, 

Invite  your  many  creditors  to  tea, 
Sending  a  simple  note  with  this  upon  it — 

"  Others  abide  your  question ;  I  am  free !  " 
Else,  common  wrath  and  common  wiles  disdaining, 

Laugh  in  their  faces  with  so  clear  a  charm 
That  thin-lipped  Credit  drew  his  bill  and,  straining 

Mercy  no  more,  resigned  it  to  thy  arm. 
And  if  the  critics  plead  (with  voice  of  faction) 

A  solvent  Bard  no  longer  up  a  Tree, 
And  ample  surplus  at  Death's  last  transaction, 

Love  murmurs  "  Yes,  and  the  less  SHAKSI'EABE  he  1 ' 


Another  of  Them. 

"The conference  concluded,  satisfactory  in  many  respects,  but  without 
accomplishing  the  objects  aimed  at." — Aberdeen  Journal. 


"  Many  of  the  crowd  endeavoured  to  pull  hairs  out  of  Sunstar's 
tail  as  souvenirs.     'I  told  everybody  it  was  a  good   thing,'  Mr.   Joel 
remarked." — Evening  Neu-s. 
Where  is  the  Hon.  STEPHEN  COLERIDGE? 


456 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE    14,    1911. 


LONDON    EPISODES. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  the 
Westminster  Gazette.) 
THE  TUBE. 

OUTWARDLY,  ifc  is  a  little  like  a 
Turkish  Bath,  this  building  of  glazed 
brick,  through  the  wide-open  portals 
of  which  we  and  others  are  pressing 
so  eagerly.  But  it  is  not  a  Turkish 
Bath ;  it  is  the  entrance  to  a  station 
of  the  Underground  Eailways.  No. 
Wrong  again !  It  is  "  Exit  only."  We 
must  try  next  door. 

How  wonderful,  yet  how  limited,  is 
language.  Why,  for  example,  should 
there  be  only  one  word, 
"  lift,"  for  this  little  room, 
whether  it  is  rising  or 
falling?  Why  not  call 
one  Lift  and  the  other 
Drop?  This  way  to  the 
Drop.  What  a  strange 
thought !  The  little  room 
is  very  crowded.  At  the 
door  there  stands  a  stern, 
incurious  man,  knee-deep 
in  clippings.  From  time 
to  time  he  addresses  the 
gathering  throng  a  little 
sadly.  "  Pass  in,  please," 
he  says.  "  No  smoking ;  ! 
stand  clear  of  the  gates." 
No  one  who  hears  seems 
to  take  any  notice.  They 
continue  to  read  or  smoke 
or  talk  or  p:ck  one 
another's  pockets  just 
as  though  he  had  not 
spoken.  It  is  all  rather 
depressing. 

How  long  this  pale  pas- 
sage is.  Eight  and  left  of 
it  branch  off  other  pas- 
sages^!! equally  long;  and 
through,  them  the  crowd 
pours  at  a  hurried  and 
anxious  pace,  as  though 
propelled  forward  unwillingly  by  some 
unseen  but  irresistible  force.  For  the 
first  time  in  your  life  you  begin  to 
realize  what  drainage  must  feel  like, 
and  perhaps  the  idea  saddens  you ;  but 
there  is  no  time  to  elaborate  it  now. 
We  must  get  on.  Somewhere,  far 
away,  a  train  is  audibly  upon  the 
very  point  of  starting,  and  the  crowd 
quickens  still  more.  This  is  the  train 
with  which  the  lift  is  supposed  to 
correspond.  Nobody  has  ever  yet 
caught  it.  It  is  a  phantom  train. 
But  no  amount  of  experience  will 
ever  convince  the  crowd  of  this  ;  and 
you  are  forced  forward  with  the  rest, 
till  the  wind,  stale  but  persistent,  like 
a  sea-breeze  that  has  gone  flat,  seems 
to  redouble  its  efforts  to  impede  your 
progress.  But  at  last  .  .  .  the  line, 


the  platform,  a  slender  illuminated 
curve,  slowly  tilling  with  the  dis- 
appointed. Some  of  them  will  per- 
haps buy  papers  at  these  stalls  which 
seem  (and  indeed  are)  placed  here 
for  no  other  purpose.  Some  will  not. 
Fortunately  you  have  time  to  look  about 
you,  because  all  the  trains  appear  to  be 
either  non-stop,  or  else  going  the 
other  way.  There  must  be  a  reason 
for  this  somewhere ;  yet  it  eludes 
you.  Finally,  in  the  fulness  of  time 
your  own  train  appears  ....  fulness 
of  train  also ;  but  no  matter,  we  can 
stand,  aiding  our  equilibrium  with  this 
thong  of  leather  that  hangs  so  con- 
veniently above  our  heads. 


"OAKS     SURPRISE. 
Uxxxow.v  AsjitAL  WINS  IN  A  CANTER."— Daily  Mail. 


but  what  you  cannot  as  yet  see.  All  at 
once  the  crowd  parts,  and  you  detect 
the  pale  green  shade  of  the  paper  that 
she  holds  in  her  gloved  hands.  Ah  ! 
Thus  all  unexpectedly  there  has  come 
to  you,  in  this  commonplace  railway 
carriage,  one  of  the  great  moments  of  \ 
life.  She  is  reading  It !  You  turn  away 
and,  for  a  while  after,  dare  not  look 
towards  her  again.  The  stations  come 
and  go  unheeded, persons  get  in  and  out, 
jostling  you,  gazing  at  you,  perhaps, 
wonderingly,  for  by  this  time  there  are 
plenty  of  vacant  seats,  yet  still  you  hang 
from  your  strap  lost  in  conjecture. 
What  is  she  thinking  of  it  all,  of  that 
passionate  realism  of  yours  that  can 
make  of  the  most  trivial 
everyday  matter  a  thing  of 
profit,  lilling  two  columns 
of  an  evening  paper  ? 
Will  you  ever  know  ? 

Yes.  This  is  the  end. 
This  is  Golder's  Green. 
The  girl  looks  about  her 
with  dazed,  incredulous 
eyes;  she  appears  to  be 
angry  about  something ; 
as  you  linger,  you  hear 
her  explaining  that  she 
had  meant  to  get  out  at 
Goodge  Street.  She  has 
been  fast  asleep.  Well, 
well  . 


If  you  do  not  happen  to  be  tired  or 
stout  or  subject  to  cramp  in  the  arm, 
there  is  something  fascinating,  almost 
in  a  way  god-like,  in  thus  standing 
remote  and  aloof  between  two  lines  of 
seated  mortals.  The  smoke  of  their 
cigarettes  comes  up  to  you  like  incense, 
the  feathers  of  their  matinee-hats  tickle 
your  nostrils;  yes,  you  are  indeed  a 
god ;  with  perhaps  a  touch  of  the  sea- 
captain,  as  your  body  sways  easily  to 
the  lilt  of  the  car.  Thus  might  NELSON 
have  stood,  scorning  the  trodden  toes 
of  weaklings 

For  a  long  time  you  have  been 
watching  a  girl,  at  a  little  distance 
from  you  and  half-hidden  by  the  in- 
tervening forms.  Something  in  the 
rapt,  motionless  poise  of  her  head 
attracts  your  attention.  She  is  reading, 


The  Maternity  Benefit 
Again. 

"Locum  Tenens  wanted  for 
4  Sundays  beginning  August  13. 
Country  ;  near  river.  No  chil- 
dren. Offered  :  house,  vege- 
tables, coal,  (no  children)  and 
-guinea. — Apply,  &e." 

Church  Times. 

It  must  be  clearly  un- 
derstood, mind,  that  there 
are  no  children  (t.  &  o.). 

"The  rescued  party,  who 
quickly  recovered  the  effects  of 
their  immersions,  were  supplied 
with  day  clothing,  and  shortly  afterwards  pro- 
ceeded to  their  homes." — Irish  Times. 

During  the  hot  spell,  night-wear  has 
been  much  in  vogue  for  boating-parties. 


The  Worst  Joke  of  the  Week. 
"  Having  been  in  London  lately,  I 
have  observed  that  in  the  midst  of  the 
preparations    for    rejoicing    there 
many    arrangements    for   putting 
people  in  '  tiers.'  " 


are 
the 


Cullinan's  colt  was  the  means  of  giving 
Muusse  his  first  winning  ride  in  this  country. 

Munsse  is  an  Englishman,  but  hails  from 
South  Africa. 

His  name  is  almost  invariably  spelt  incorrectly 
on  every  number  board." — Scotsman. 

Wild  race-horses  would  not   make  us 
attempt  it. 


JUNK  14,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHAIUVAUI. 


POULTRY    FARMING    IN    ARCADIA. 

SOMEBODY  SAID  THAT  A  LITILK  BCAXDV  WAS  OCCASIONALLY  A  GOOD  TUIXO  FOE  TIIE  FOWLS. 


ME.  PUNCH'S  SPONGE-BAG 
COOKERY. 

ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

MBS.  BOWSER  (Belgrave  Square) 
writes  to  say  that  she  cooked  a  rib  of 
beef  successfully,  but  that  although  the 
meat  was  delicious  it  stuck  to  the  bag 
and  refused  to  be  parted  from  it.  She 
wishes  to  know  if,  when  cooking  goose- 
berry fool,  the  fool  should  be  put  in 
foolscap  bags  before  being  emptied  into 
the  sponge-bag,  and  asks  where  the 
bags  can  be  obtained.  Point  1.  The 
sponge-bag  should  have  been  iced 
befora  the  meat  was  put  in,  but  the 
adhesion  of  the  rubber  need  not  .TAJSO 
any  misgiving.  Eaten  in  small  quan- 
tities rubber  is  quite  palatable  and,  as 
Mr.  Wegg  said,  "very  mellering  to  the 
organ."  2.  The  best  material  is  foulard 
or  crepe  de  Chine.  3.  Bags  are  gener- 
ally to  be  had  from  your  tailor,  but  in 
this  case  they  can  be  procured  from 
any  good  chemist,  homoeopathic  or 
pharmaceutical. 

Mrs.  Mailings  Chipp  (Grosvenor 
Square)  wishes  to  know  whether 
sponge-cakes  can  bo  made  in  a  sponge- 
bag.  Certainly;  but  the  sponge  must 


be  taken  oat  first.  Draw  the  strings 
tight  after  the  ingredients  have  been 
inserted,  secure  with  a  safety-pin,  thenj 
put  bag  on  grid,  put  grid  in  the  oven, 
lower  the  gas,  close  the  door,  and  turn 
on  the  pianola  for  forty  minutes. 

Mrs.  Hettie  Julk  (Grosvenor  Place). 
You  say  that  the  pancake  tasted  of 
rubber.  This  can  be  easily  remedied 
by  sprinkling  it  with  a  few  drops  of 
lavender  water  and  ammoniated  quinine. 
But  the  bag  must  not  be  used  a  second 
time  after  lobster  has  been  cooked  in  it. 

Sir  Home  Gordon.  There  are,  of 
course,  exceptions.  For  the  best  re- 
sults ducks'  eggs  should  be  cooked  in 
a  cricket  bag. 

Mrs.  Silley  Pupe  (Berkeley  Square) 
has  cooked  a  very  tough  fowl  with 
excellent  results,  the  bird  becoming 
quite  rubber-necked  in  the  procejs. 

Mr.  John  Bunn  (Portman  Square, 
Southend).  The  pattern  on  the  outside 
of  the  sponge-bag  is  quite  immaterial, 
but  the  shepherd's  plaid  is  perhaps 
best  for  cooking  a  shepherd's  pie. 

Mr.  E.  Forster  (Howard's  End,  W. 
Kensington).  The  fact  that  you  used 
an  oil  stove  insufficiently  heated  would 
account  for  the  lack  of  colour.  Try  one 
of  Bennett's  Clayhanger  stoves. 


Mr.  John  Redmond.  Gladstone-bag 
cooking  is  a  separate  branch  of  the 
culinary  art.  It  has  led  to  some  sur- 
prising dishes. 

Mr.  Henn  Peck  (Mentone  Mansions, 
Brixton)  has  essayed  a  rechauffe  of 
mutton  with  great  success. 

Mrs.CorneliaStrongi'th'arm  (Divinity 
Road,  Oxford).  Bags  will  be  sent.  Your 
second  query  shall  be  passed  on  to  our 
legal  editor.  Your  husband  may  refuse 
to  eat  the  fricassee,  but  certainly  ought 
to  abstain  from  such  words  as  "  rotten." 
Yes,  the  back,  or  indeed  the  front,  of  a 
hair-brush  is  most  effective. 

Mrs.  Harley  Didhams  (Park  Lane). 
To  render  cormorant  and  similar  birds 
palatable  to  an  invalid  of  87  you  must 
grease  the  bag  thoroughly,  bash  the 
bird  with  a  Nasmyth  mallet,  and  cook 
for  several  weeks.  You  will  then  find 
it  extraordinarily  tender  and  quite 
different  from  what  it  would  have  been 
if  it  had  been  cooked,  say,  in  a  boot-  or 
brush-bag. 

Everything  Decently  and  in  Order. 

"Then  a  roll  of  thunder — clamorous  and  tang 
continued — liroke  uion  the  a:r.  It  giowled, 
threatened,  buist  into  a  deafening  roar.  The 
lightning  followed." — L>aity  Gra,  A.--. 


458 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  14,  1911. 


COCKTAIL   COLLOQUIES; 

OB, 

ENGLISH  AS  SHE  is  GOING  TO  BE  SPOKE  AT  THE 
CORONATION. 

[Referring  to  the  thousands  of  Americans  who  are  preparing  to  be  in 
London  for  the  Coronation  an  imaginative  correspondent  of  the  Hearst 
News  Service  observes  that  "  The  argot  of  Hroadway  and  Market  Street 
will  be  heard  in  the  land,  from  the  drawing-rooms  of  Mayfair  to  the 
purlieus  of  the  Mile  End  Koad."  No  doubt ;  and  its  elfect  upon  a 
receptive  London  is  hire  adumbrated.] 

III. — -'AWKINS    AND    THEN     SOME. 

SCENE — On  the  route  of  the  Coronation  procession. 

Policeman  (to  Coster,  pushing  barrow}.     Beat  ifc,  youse. 

Coster.  Aw,  fergit  it !  Think  yer  the  'ole  circus,  dontyer  ? 
Got  a  crust,  aintyer,  throwin'  off  the  big  talk  to  a  guy  as 
owned  'is  own  tamale  waggon  when  you  was  'untin' 
tiddlers  in  the  Serpentine  ? 

Policeman.  Nix  on  the  chatter,  bub.  And  flap  them 
I  feet  of  yours  if  you  ain't  lookin'  for  a  night  in  the  tank. 

Coster.  -Ain't  I  'urryin',  yer  big  stiff?  Think  you  've  got 
a  lead-pipe'cinch,  don't  yer,  blockin'  the  sidewalk  with  yer 
feet  and  wavin'  yer  mitt  to  the  swells  in  the  rubber-neck 
waggons  ? 

Policeman. -Don't  -you  go  gettin'  gay  with-me,  feller,  cos 
I  won't  stand  for  it.  Skiddoo  now,  pronto,  and  no  more 
back  talk  or  I  '11  break  it  off  in  yer. 

Coster.  Like  'ell  you  will.  Dod  gast  it,  if  you  wasn't  a 
cop  i  'd  land  on  yer,  yer  big  bowl  of  tripe. 

Sympathetic  Bystander.  Aw,  watcher  beefin"  about, 
Shorty !  Quitcherkickin'  and  let  the  orficer  alone.  Cawn't 
yer  see  them  narrer  twelves  is  'urtin'  'is  pore  feet  ? 

Coster.  Huh !  'E  ain't  no  orficer.  'E  's  a  Suffragette  in 
disguise.  It  's  "is  corsets  what  makes  'is  nose  so  red. 

Chorus  of  Bystanders.  'E  'a  stoppin'  the  procession. 
Git  the  hook  !  Paste  'im,  orficer !  Twenty-three,  kiddo ! 
You  to  the  tall  uncut!  Give  'm  the  goad,  Shorty  1  O  you 
bench  legs !  etc.,  etc. 

Policeman.  'Ere,  you  come  along  with  me.  I  '11  show 
you  smart  Alecs  that  I  'm  the  big  noise  in  this  neck  of  the 
woods.  Yuss,  and  then  some.  (Seizes  Coster.) 

Coster.  Cut  it  out,  you  big  zob !  (Confidentially)  It  'ud 
be  worth  a  couple  of  cold  scads  to  somebody,  too,  if  my 
barrer  got  stalled  on  this  corner. 

Policeman.  Nothin'  stirring.  (More  mildly)  Hit  the  pike, 
now.  Cawn't  'ave  that  barrer  breakin'  down  in  the  middle 
of  the  street. 

Cotter.  Give  the  'igh  sign  and  I  '11  make  it  a  five  spot. 
On  the  level,  sport,  that 's  all  the  traffic  '11  bear. 

Policeman  (aside  to  Coster).  Slip  it  then,  bo,  slip  it. 
(Coster  slips  it.)  (Aloud)  D'y  "ear  wot  I  say  ?  Beat  it. 

Coster.  Aw,  what 's  the  use  I  (Starts  off  with  barrow, 
jerking  off  the  right  wheel,  which  has  been  carefully 
adjusted  to  this  end.)  There  now !  •  Watcher  know 
abaht  that!  A  noo  barrer  too.  A  fair  throw. down,  I 
calls  it. 

Sympathetic  Bystander.  Tough  luck,  Bill.  'E  put  a  hoodoo 
on  yer,  that 's  what  'e  done. 

Coster.  Ain't  it  the  limit  ?  Might  'a*  known  'e  was  a 
jinx  when  I  piped  'is  wall  eye. 

Policeman.  'Ere  stop  chewin'  the  rag  and  get  that  barrer 
off  'n  the  track.  Cawntr  you  'ear  the  procession  comin'  ? 
(The  barrow  is  hauled  up  on  to  the  pavement  behind  the 
crowd.) 

Sympathetic  Bystander.  Some  of  them  mutts  don't 
know  enough  to  git  in  outer  the  rain. 

Policeman.  Oh,  I  dinnaw. 

Coster  (from  the  background).  Pea-nuts !  Popcorn ! 
Chewin'  gum  1  Ice  cold  root  beer  and  koka  ko-o-o-o-la  I 


OLIVER. 

(So  named  because  }ie  kept  asking  for  more.) 
IN  many  a  Springtime,  haunting  woodland  ways, 

Hillsides  and  hedgerows,  with  the  old  school-boy  zest, 
One  sight  would  bring  me  ever  fresh  amaze — • 

A  cuckoo  bantling  in  a  small  bird's  nest ; 
Like  the  odd  changeling  of  some  elfin  art, 

Bulging  from  brim  to  brim,  I  watched  him  there, 
Bloated  usurper,  play  his  ruthless  part, 

The  rightful  heirs  barged — he  alone  knew  where. 

I  heard  the  tyrant  orders  shrill  and  loud 

He  gave  the  small  befostering  he  and  she, 
And  marvelled  much  to  see  them  slaving,  proud 

Insanely  of  their  infant  prodigy  ; 
And  tried  to  guess  what  all-compelling  law 

So  bade  them  toil  the  day  long  to  appease 
That  never-sated,  ever-clamouring  maw, 

Nor  take,  from  morn  to  night,  a  moment's  ease. 

But  knew  not  how  much  more  than  met  the  eye 

Explained  this  genius  for  obtaining  food, 
Until,  one  day,  the  gardener's  boy  came  by 

With,  in  his  cap,  one  of  the  tyrant  brood  ; 
There,  from  a  desecrated  nest,  half  grown, 

But  fitting  tight,  a  form  of  brindled  down 
Gaped  forth.     Tom  grinned,  and  made  the  thing  my  own, 

Touching  me  to  the  tune  of  half-a-crown. 

I  took  him  home  and,  from  his  earliest  meal — 

Was  it  by  that  red  maw,  the  monstrous-sized, 
And  some  strange  glamour  of  its  vast  appeal  ? — 

He  had  the  whole  house  deeply  hypnotized. 
Helpless  before  it,  we  were  straightway  taught 

How  weirdly  strong  suggestion's  force  may  bo. 
Talk  of  the  "  tyranny  of  tears  "• — 'twas  nought 

Beside  that  open  mouth's  autocracy! 

Priestlike  we  fed  that  gizzard's  sacred  flame ; 

The  page-boy's  pockets  bulged  with  woolly-bears ; 
Cook  "  didn't  hold  with  it,''  yet  daily  came 

Laden  with  tit-bits,  toiling  up  the  stairs, 
And,  'neath  a  witchery  that  never  waned, 

All  seem  compelled  to  help  him  dine  and  dine ; 
Even  languid  Gwendolen  was  sore  constrained, 

Letting  her  novel  wait,  to  serve  the  shrine. 

And,  though  the  tyrant  all-ungrateful  took 

Our  offerings,  we  bowed  to  his  commands, 
Yet  knowing  well  he  would  not  give  a  cuck 

For  anyone  who  came  with  empty  hands. 
So  this  Gargantuan  infant's  days  were  spent 

On  endless  dishes  like  a  gourmet's  dream, 
Until,  praise  be,  with  every  good  intent, 

Gwendolen  choked  him  with  a  chocolate-cream. 


Tact. 

The  narrative  of  one  of  the  passengers  on  the  damaged 
Cunarder,  as  given  to  a  reporter  of  The  Birmingham,  Daily 
Mail,  contains  this  passage : — 

"The  baggage-master  deserved  special  praise.  He  had  only  been 
asleep  a  couple  of  hours  when  called  up,  but  he  arranged  the  baggage 
so  cleverly  that  not  a  piece  was  lost  save  such  as  belonged  to  the 
steerage  passengers." 

A  truly  first-class  touch.  To  a  steerage  passenger,  who 
has  little  enough  to  begin  with,  the  loss  of  baggage  is,  of 
course,  nothing. 

Our  Bloodthirsty  Editors  once  more. 

"  Mr.  Hubert  Latham,  the  unluckiest  of  airmen,  had  another  wonder- 
ful escape  from  death  at  Brooklauds  yesterday." — Daily  Mirror. 


JUNE  14,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


4.09 


WHAT  IS  TO  BECOME  OF    THE  HORSE  WHEN    HE  CEASES  TO   BE  A   BEAST  OF  BURDEN? 


'  1  •" 


HE   MIGHT   1)E   USEFUL  AS  A   VALET. 


UK  DisiiUBun  HAND-BILLS  J 


PERHATS  HE  MIGHT  IIEPLACE  THE  WATCH-DOO. 


1'X  COULD  ALWAYS   BE  OF  USE  AT  FACEANIS. 


TllE   Mt'SIC-IIALL   MIGHT  GIVE   HIM   AX   OI'ESISO. 


SOME   FANCY    BREEDS   MIGHT  BE   DEVELOPED   FOR   PETS. 


460 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  14.  1911. 


Sweet  Simplicity  (to  gallant  Major,  R.A.,  who  has  teen  explaining  the  mysteries  of  a  Mountain 
Battery,  how  the  guns  are  carried  an  mules,  etc.,  etc.).   "AND  DO  YOU  RIDB  A  MULE?" 


THE  NEW  MUSICAL  CRITICISM. 

DEAIS  MB.  PUNCH. — It  seems  to  me 
that  the  musical  critics  make  an  enor- 
mous mistake  in  dwelling  on  tedious 
details  relating  to  the  technique  of 
compositions  or  their  performance. 
What  people  really  like  to  know  are 
personal  facts  about  the  artists  and 
impresarios  and  agents  and  lessees.  A 
few  emancipated  critics  are  trying  ten- 
tatively to  introduce  notices  of  this 
sort,  but  what  we  want  is  something 
like  this: — 

"At  the  Royal  Albert  Hall  (Pro- 
prietors, the  Commissioneis  of  the 
Exhibition  of  1851)  a  concert  (arranged 
by  Concert  DirectorNATHANiELSpEYER) 
took  place  yesterday  (by  permission  of 
the  Clerk  of  the  Weather,  the  Board  of 


Trade,  and  the  Ecclesiastical  Commis- 
sioners). Madame  PATTI  (the  Baroness 
CEUERSTBJM)  and  Madame  MELBA  (by 
the  permission  of  the  Royal  Opera 
Syndicate,  Covent  Garden)  sang  Folk- 

.  songs  arranged  by  CECIL  SHARP  and 
R.  VAUGHAN  WILLIAMS  (by  permission 

,  of  the  Folk-song  Society  and  the  PRESI- 

j  DENT  OF  THE  BOARD  OP  AGRICULTURE). 

!  Sir  CHARLES  SANTLEY,  D.Litt.,  D.S.O. 
F.R.G.S ,  and  Mr.  WATKIN  MILLS  (of 
the  Oratorio  Concerts,  London,  the 
Provinces,  Canada,  Australia,  New 
Zealand,  and  South  Africa)  sang 
"The  Lord  is  a  Man  of  War"  (by 
permiss:on  of  Mr.  A.  J.  BALFOUB  and 
the  Handel  Society),  to  the  accom- 
paniment of  Sir  J.  F.  BRIDGE  (by 
permission  of  the  Dean  and  Cations 
of  Westminster  Abbey).  Part  ron«s 


by  Sir  C.  V.  STANFORD  (Professor  of 
Music  in  the  University  of  Cambridge 
D.C.L.,  3fus.Doc.,  P.P.,  F.F.F.),  set 
to  words  by  the  late  Lord  TENNYSON 
(by  permission  of  his  Literary 
Executors)  were  sung  (by  permission 
of  Messrs.  STAINER  and  BELL),  the 
words  being  printed  in  extenso  in  the 
programme  (by  permission  of  Messrs. 
MACMILLAN  AND  Co.).  It  remains  to  be 
added  that  the  new  tip-up  seats  were 
upholstered  by  Messrs.  Billow  and 
Glaring,  and  in  the  closing  perform- 
ance of  the  National  Anthem  (sung  by 
permission  of  the  HOME  SECRETARY) 
the  grand  organ  was  introduced  into 
the  accompaniment  (ornamental  pipe- 
work by  Messrs.  Figgis  and  Figgis, 
Highgate,  N. ;  great  organ  CCC  to  G 
by  Messrs.  Grylls  and  Binclells ;  swell 
organ,  with  automatic  explosion  attach- 
ment, by  Messrs.  Tootell,  electricians, 
Lower  Tooting  ;  choir  organ  with 
echo  attachment  by  Messrs.  Broster 
and  Fincastle;  cylindrical  centripetal 
pedal-board  by  Messrs.  Klingsor  and 
Fafaer)." 

I  am,  dear  Mr.  Punch  (by  permission 
of  Messrs.  Goosey  and  Gander), 

TABLET  BIFFIN. 

PATSY. 

PUPPY  dog,  rough  as  a  bramble, 

Eyed  like  a  saint, 
Beggar  to  slobber  and  gambol, 

Corky  and  quaint, 
Chasing  your  tail  like  a  fubsy  turbillion, 
Plaguing  a  playmate  with  fuss  of  a 
million 

Gnats, 
But  keen  as  a  kestrel 

And  fierce  as  a  stoat  is, 
A-thrill  to  ancestral 
Furies  at  notice 

Of  rats, 
Rats,  little  hound  of  Beelzebub,  rats  1 

And  as  you  sleep  off  a  surfeit, 

Mischief  and  tea, 
Prone  on  the  summer-warm  turf,  it 

Surely  must  be 
Rapturous    whimper    and    tremulant 

twitching), 

Somewhere  or  other  there 's   hunting 
bewitching ; 

That's 
More  blessed  than  biscuit; 

I'll  lay,  through  your  slumbers, 
They  squeak  and  they  frisk  it 
In  shadowy  numbers, 

R-r-rats, 
Rats,  little  hound  of  Beelzebub,  rats  ! 


•'Whether  he  be  clad  in  the  toga  of  Ancient 
lome,  or  in  the  spats  of  modern  Piccadilly, 
Ir.  Lewis  Waller  is  always  su;  erb." 

Bournemouth  Visitors'  Directory. 

Of  course,  it  has  been  warm,  but  still — 


PUNCH.    OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. -.JI,NK    14.   1911 


THE    DOCTOR. 

(With  Apologies  to  Sir  Luke  Fildes,  R.A.) 

PATIENT  (General  Practitioner).   "THIS   TREATMENT   WILL   BE -THE   DEATH   OF   ME.' 
DOCTOR  BILL.  "I   DARE  SAY  YOU   KNOW   BEST.      STILL  THERE'S   ALWAYS  A  CHANCE." 


JUNE  14,  1911.1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


•Kxl 


CORONATION    BEARDS    (NO.    2). 
[To  le  grown  out  of  compliment  to  KING  GEOUGE.] 


CALENDAR    REFORM. 

MR.  PEARCE'S  Bill  to  reform  the 
Calendar  will,  we  hope,  prove  as 
effective  as  Mr.  WILLETT'S  Daylight 
Saving  Bill  in  providing  food  for 
agreeable  discussion  and  conjecture. 
Not  that  we  are  disposed  to  admit  the 
necessity  for  reforming  the  Calendar. 
It  does  perhaps  look  a  little  absurd 
"  on  paper,"  as  they  say — even  a  little 
far-fetched — but  in  practice  it  has 
always  seemed  to  us  to  work  fairly 
well,  so  long  as  one  clings  to  its  great 
guiding  principle — that  thirty  days 
hath  September.  It  is  probable  that 
the  late  JULIUS  CJESAB  devoted  not  a 
little  thought  to  his  ingenious  arrange- 
ment. Certainly,  apart  from  slight 
modifications,  it  has  had  a  long  and 
uninterrupted  run,  and  if  it  is  at  last 
to  be  suspended,  if  the  hereditary 
principle  is  to  be  abandoned,  so  to 
speak,  we  are  inclined  to  ask  :  "  Who 
is  Mr.  PEARCE  that  he  should  elect  to 
supplant  the  Conqueror  of  Gaul  ?  Why 
Mr.  PEARCE  ?  We  also  have  our  plan 
of  Calendar  Reform." 

His  (Mr.  PEARCE'S)  plan,  it  will  be 
remembered,  is  to  eliminate  a  day — 
we  like  that  idea ;  it  is  full  of  pos- 
sibilities— which  shall  not  belong  to  any 


week  or  month,  but  shall  be  called 
simply  New  Year's  Day.  Thereafter 
he  divides  the  year  into  52  perfect 
weeks,  every  month  having  30  days, 
except  the  last  month  of  each  quarter, 
which  shall  have  31.  Our  first  objection 
to  this  proposal  is  taken  on  artistic 
grounds. 

Thirty-one  days  hath  September, 

March,  June  and  December, 

cannot  be  made  even  to  scan,  and  will 
hardly  be  accepted  with  equanimity  by 
those  of  us  who  have  been  brought  up 
on  the  authorised  version,  and  have 
become  attached  to  it  through  long 
association.  But  let  that  pass. 

Of  course  we  see  Mr.  PEARCE'S 
difficulty ;  that  has  not  escaped  us. 
We  ourselves  have  been  trying  to 
figure  it  out,  and  we  also  got  up 
against  a  very  awkward  fact — namely, 
that  365  is  divisible  only  by  five  and 
73.  Clearly  you  can't  do  much  with 
that  without  getting  yourself  involved 
in  recurring  decimals.  But  we  find 
Mr.  PEARCE'S  solution — of  dropping 
only  one  day — rather  timorous  and 
half-hearted.  What  we  want  is  to  lay 
the  foundations  of  a  thoroughgoing 
and  comprehensive  scheme,  which  shall 
at  least  stand  t-ho  wear  and  tear  of 
nineteen  centuries,  as  its  predecessor 


has  done.  And  here  let  us  say  that 
the  details  of  the  plan  are  open  to 
amendment  in  committee.  We  invite 
discussion.  We  are  always  prepared 
to  receive  suggestions  from  any  part 
of  the  House. 

We  begin  boldly,  then,  by  eliminating 
five  days,  and  at  once  we  have  a  work- 
able figure  to  start  on.  Nothing  could 
be  better  than  360.  This  we  divide 
into  12  months  of  30  days  each.  So 
far,  so  good.  The  critic  has  probably 
observed,  however,  that  we  cannot 
divide  it  into  weeks  of  seven  days. 
But  we  have  thought  of  that.  We  are 
going  to  drop  a  week-day  and  make  it 
six.  By  this  device  we  have  five  weeks 
in  every  month.  Bather  happy,  we 
think.  The  seven-day  week,  if  you 
come  to  examine  it,  has  been  a  very 
clumsy  instrument.  You  cannot  divide 
it  in  half.  That  in  itself  is  an  enormous 
drawback.  Life  is  full  of  things  that 
fall  due  to  be  done  twice  a  week,  and 
as  the  matter  stands  they  cannot  be 
done  at  equal  intervals.  To  take  only 
one  instance: — there  are  many  of  us 
who  make  a  practice  of  changing  our 
white  waistcoats  twice  a  week,  and  are 
guiltily  conscious  that  those  which 
begin  their,  career  on  Thursday  morn- 
ing must  drag  out  a  protracted  existence 


464 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   eiLAlllVAPJ. 


[.JUNE  14,  1911. 


<;o,  and  our  proposal  is  that  a  plebiscite   from  my  dear  old  friend,  the  Assessor 


ho  taken  as  to  which  it  is  to  bo.     It  is 
an  admirable  case  for  the  introduction 


of  Income  Tax,  of  whom  I  have  lost 
sight  for  nearly  a  year.     His  four-page 


of  the  Rsferendum.     For  our  own  part   letter  has  set  me  thinking,  and  I  have 
\vo    should    ba     inclined    to    sacrifice  just  discovered  that   my   income   has 


Thursday — a  day  we  have  never  cared 
for,  somehow.  But  doubtless  the 
wide-spread  and  bitter  feeling  against 
Monday  as  the  day  of  return  to  work 
will  prove  strong  enough  to  result  in 
its  annihilation. 
There  still  remains  the  question  of 


absolutely  gone  off — tumbled  to  pieces. 
The  £500  a  year  which  I  mentioned  to 
your  father  in  one  of  those  expansive 
moments  which  you  and  I  have  just 
been  experiencing  has  been  found  to 
be  not  a  penny  more  (or  csrtainly 
not  more  than  one  penny  more)  than 


the  five  extra  days.  No,  we  have  not  £159  19s.  lid.  a  year.  They  tell  me 
forgotten  them.  Here  we  have  several  >  that  a  total  exemption  from  income-tax 
suggestions  to  offer.  Perhaps 
they  could  be  slipped  in  with 
advantage,  in  late  and  back- 
ward seasons,  between  the  llth 
and  12th  of  August — to  give 
the  birds  a  chance.  Or  they 
might  be  handed  over  to  the 
M.C.C.  for  the  last  test  match, 
or  sprinkled  through  the  year 
as  Bank  Holidays.  No  doubt 
they  would  prove  to  ba  a  very 
powerful  instrument  in  the 
hands  of  the  Government  of  the 
day,  if  used  for  Parliamentary 
purposes.  But  we  think  this 
would  be  a  risky  expariment. 
If  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE 
EXCHEQUER  got  hold  of  them  at 
the  close  of  the  financial  year 
they  might  lead  to  a  prodigious 
cooking  of  accounts. 

On  the  whole  we  are  inclined 
to  save  up  these  five  days  till  we 
have  a  whole  month  in  hand — 
to  be  called  a  Leap  Month. 
This  could  be  allotted  for  any 
important  national  purpose.  It 
would  be  invaluable  ia  a  year 
like  the  present  to  carry  out  a 
complete  and  protracted  celebra- 
tion of  the  Coronation,  for  the 
whole  populaca  could  go  on 
holiday  without  any  actual  loss 
of  time. 


till  Sunday  night.     One  day  has  got  to  |      The  truth  is  that  I  have  just  heard   they  enquire  in  a  neighbourly  manner 

after  my  income.  In  a  psculiarly 
oppressive  piece  of  legislation,  that 
necessity  of  telling  the  truth  seems  to 
me  to  be  the  harshest  and  most  cruel 
on  its  victims,  the  M.P.'s.  But  even  so 
I  dare  say  their  old  habits'  will  get  the 
better  of  them,  and  they  will  describe 
their  salaries, loosely,  as  Earned  Income. 
Your  confirmed  Tory  may  have  the 
decency  to  put  an  exclamation  mark 
in  brackets  after  the  "  Earned,"  but  he 
will  do  so  less  from  motives  of  honesty 
than  in  the  hope  of  influencing  the 
political  convictions  of  his  assessor. 
That,  however,  doesn't  help  my 
income  much  at  the  moment. 

Aspodestera,  is  your  face  your 
whole  fortune?  A  hint  in  the 
dear  old  man's  letter  makes  me 
wonder,  for  these  income-tax 
people  do  know  such  a  lot. 
"  The  income  of  a  married 
woman,"  he  writes,  naming  no 
names  but  mentioning  it  too 
casually,  to  be  entirely  with- 
out suspicion,  "  living  with  her 
husband,  is  deemed  to  be  her 
husband's  income."  Let  me 
say  now  that  it  is  the  dearest 
wish  of  my  life  that  when  you 
are  a  married  woman  you  should 
live  with  your  husband,  never 
leaving  me  except  when  these 
Income  Tax  Forms  have  to  be 
filled  in.  Then  I  think  it  would 
be  a  kindly  act  for  you  to  go 
and  stay  with  your  parents, 
you  and  they  fixing  it  between 
you  as  to  whose  that  income  is 
to  be  deemed  to  be  for  the  pur- 
pose of  paying  tax  on  it. 

And  now  I  must  leave  you 
to   write  to  my  dear  Assessor. 
He  writes   more   at  a  time,  if 
less  often,  than  you  do,  but  I 
must   say  that   of    the  two    I 
prefer  the  tone  of  your  post- 
scripts.      His    reads     to     the 
We  are  leaving  over  the  considera- 1  may  be  claimed  on  incomes  not  exceed- !  effect  that,  if  I  am  not  very  careful 
tion  of  Leap  Year  till  a  future  occasion,  j  ing  £160,  but  I  do  not  think  that  that   how    I    reply    to    his     buff  -  coloured 


"A  10LIXICAL  CHAMOIS." 
Lord  ROSEBERY'S  vision  of  Lord  HALUAXE. 


THE    LOVE-LETTER. 
(A  suggested  new  use  of  the  Correspon- 
dence columns  of  "  The  Times.") 


can  have  anything  to  do  with  it.  Well, 
well !  We  must  face  our  troubles  with 
a  brave  front.  Either  you  must  go  out 
and  be  a  governess,  or  I  must  go  out 
and  be  a  Member  of  Parliament.  If  I 


MY  DEAR  ASPODESTERA,— It  is  not  j  happen  to  hear  of  a  family  with  a  lot 
the  usual  thing,   in   our    set   at    any  I  of  small  children  in  it  whose  parents 


rate,  for  engaged  couples  to  correspond  j  desire   them  to  learn  golf   and   poker 
through  the  medium  of  the  public  press,  i  patience,  I  will  let  you  know.     If  jou  ' 


notes,  I  may  render  myself  liable,  on 
summary  conviction,  to  imprisonment 
for  a  term  not  exceeding  six  months 
with  hard  labour.  That  I  am  prac- 
tically certain  to  do,  and,  should  an 
officious  parson  have  married  us  off 
before  I  am  discovered,  my  idea  is  that 


Why,  I  do  not  know;  but  there  the 
fact  is  for  you  to  make  the  most  of  it. 
I  must  add,  however,  that  this  paper 
will  only  cost  you  threepence,  and  if 
you  grudge  that  to  get  a  letter  from 
your  Bill  your  love  is  not  the  thing 
you  profess  it  to  be,  and  you  don't 
deserve  that  ring.  Basides,  we  are  going 


|  the  weekly  allowance  for  housekeeping 
}ou   should  be  suspended  for  a  period  (not 
happen  to  hear  of  a  constituency   in  j  exceeding  six  months)  and  the  accumu- 


need  of  a  new  Member  who  will  be 
ready  to  adopt  any  policy  or  opinion, 
and  to  change  either  at  a  moment's 
notice,  you  let  me  know. 

Should  I  contrive  to  get  that  con- 
stituency, the  State  will,  I  suppose, 
know  all  about  it,  and  I  shall  have 


.  ,.      .  .          _**  '  >-        «J»«MIJ.J.       nivfu    I  J,1_*«I.O,     JL/V       I, 

ick  strictly  to  business  this  time.  I  to  be  accurate  about  the  £400,  when  |  of  The  Times, 


lated  sum  be  devoted  to  providing  me 
with  a  much-needed  and  well-deserved 
holiday  at  the  end  of  it.  For  I  have 
the  dark  suspicion,  gathered  I  know 
not  whence,  that  when  the  kind  old 
fellow  says  "  hard  "  he  means  it. 

Yours,  by  the  courtesy  of  the  Editor 


BILL. 


.Jr.xi:  14,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


'  , 

' 


Chatty  Lodger  (to  Landlord}.  "You  SEEM  TO  HAVE  SEES  A  GOOD  DEAF,.     WHAT  AP.E  YOU!" 

Landlord.  "WELL,  SIR,  I  WERE  A  LION  TAMER,   AND  I'D  BE  THERE  NOW  IF   I   'ADN'T  A-MARRIED.     EOT  YOU  SEE,  VT  WIFE 

WERE    A    KNIFE-THROWER.    IN    THE    SAME    SHOW,    AND    SHE    OOT  TO    PRACTISING    HER    TURN    ON    ME.       WELL,    THINKS    I,    LIKE  AIN'T    TOO 
LOSC   TO   HUN   NO   RISKS,    SO   I   TOOK   ON   A   SAKE   JOB   AND   BECOME  A  STEEPLEJACK."  •       i    . 


THE  STOLEN  EEED. 
(A  PASTORAL  EXECRATION.) 

I  DO  not  know  what  lips  have  found  her, 

The  fragrant,  fair  and  ripe ; 
I  only  know  some  awful  bounder 
Has  been  and  boned  my  pipe  ; 
In  vain  beside  the  river's  brink 
I  search  for  her,  in  vain  I  think 
Thoughts  that  would  turn  a  trooper  pink 
If  they  were  seen  in  type. 

Polished  with  half  a  year  of  labour, 
Like  ball-room  floors  she  shone  ; 
There  was  no  pipe,  I  wis  (nor  tabor), 

So  fair  to  gaze  upon ; 
I  left  her  by  this  reedy  marge, 
And  now  some  owner  of  a  barge 
Or  Dartmoor  Strephon  still  at  large 
Has  come — and  she  has  gone. 

How  sweet  was  her  melodious  carol ! 

How  sacred  to  the  Muse 
The  incense  of  her  odorous  barrel ! 

Oh,  Syrinx  of  the  ooze, 
Describe  to  me,  the  while  I  drape 
My  pouch  with  cypresses  and  crape, 


The  monster  that  achieved  this  rape— 
What  baccy  did  he  use  ? 

How  came  he  ?  like  the  scholar  Gipsy 
With  furtive  steps  and  muto 

And  hands  fulfilled  of  flowers  ?  or  tipsy 
With  Corybantic  boot  ? 

Or  hot-foot  like  the  goat-god  Pan 

From  whom  erewhileyoutremblingran? 

What  was  he  like,  the  beast  or  man 
That  bagged  my  briar  root  ? 

I  care  not ;  but  I  wish  him  anguish 

Too  terrible  for  words  ; 
In  some  vile  hovel  may  he  languish, 

Abhorred  by  brutes  and  birds  ; 
The  sorriest  creature  on  this  globe, 
May  he  be  seen  with  tattered  robe, 
Like  the  Semitic  prophet  JOB 

(Without  the  help  of  sherds). 

May  murder  bring  him  to  the  gallows, 

And  when  at  Hades'  jaw 
He  begs  the  boon  that  custom  hallows, 

The  last  sad  grace  of  law, 
Then  grant,  ye  gods,  that  he  may  pray 
Once  more  upon  my  pipe  to  play, 


And  find  (all  hat-pins  far  away) 
She  simply  will  not  draw  ! 

EVOE. 


Symmetry. 

After  running  out  ALLETSON  at  Not- 
tingham IREMONGER  seized  a  man  in  the 
crowd,  who  had  been  "  booing,"  and 
carried  him  off  to  the  police  station. 
He  naturally  thought  that  the  best 
amends  after  running  one  man  out  was 
to  run  another  man  in. 


"Will  the  Person  come  forward  that  I  told  it 
to  that  I  should  ray  that  I  had  the  First  Chance 
of  Marrying  Edward  Smith. — (Signed)  Mary 

,  Daglingworth." 

Witts  <t  Qlovfcstcrthirt  Standard. 

Now,  then  1 


u 


A  Dorsetshire  florist   advertises 
follows  in  The  Commonwealth: 

"GARDEN   LOVERS 
GIVE  MY  PANTS  A  TRIAL." 
Thank  you,  but  we  can  pant  for  our- 
selves this  hot  weather. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[.JUNE  14,  1911. 


"THE  GIRL  OF  THE  GOLDEN 
WEST." 

FROM  the  moment  when,  across  the 
footlights,  a  whiff  of  Ranee 's  cigar  was 
blown  to  me  in  the  first  row  of  the 
stalls,  I  knew  that  we  were  in  for  a 
melodrama  as  realistic  as  anything 
ever  can  be  on  the  operatic  stage.  It 
brought  to  my  quivering  nostrils  the 
full  local  aroma  of  a  mining  camp  in 
the  Golden  West  (period  1850).  I  was 
prepared  for  a  chorus  of  pioneers  with 
rough  exteriors  and  primitive  notions 
of  summary  justice;  but  also  with 
warm  hearts  (when  you  got  at  them), 
and  with  natures  so  sensitive  that  the 
coarsest  of  them  would  break  out  into 
manly  grief  and  wipe  his  eyes 
with  the  back  of  his  hand  on 
receiving  news  of  thS  death  of 
his  grandmother  far,  far  away 
in  the  Leaden  East.  And  I  was 
never  once  disappointed  in  those 
ad  mirable  fellows,  who  did  every- 
thing according  to  the  book. 

But  I  confess  to  a  certain 
chagrin  at  not  being  allowed  to 
set  eyes  on  Nina.  Nina  was 
the  attraction  at  the  rival  saloon. 
Minnie  ("the  Girl  of  the  Golden 
West"),  who  ran  the  "Polka" 
saloon,  and  was  a  pattern  to 
all  barmaids,  sketches  he:  char- 
acter lightly  as  that  of  "a 
designing  hussy  who  spends  her 
time  ogling  all  the  men." 

I  think  it  a  grave  cvarsight 
that  she  was  not  introduced  to 
us  in  person,  if  only  to  serve  as 
a  foil  to  the  virtues  of  Minnie, 
and  to  create  that  palpable 
atmosphere  of  jealousy  without 
which  no  melodrama  can  be  a 
really  perfect  thing. 


was  justified  of  his  uniform,  for  he  effects.  All  the  same,  when  I  corn- 
seemed  to  be  on  posse-duty  most  of '  pare  his  Fanciulla  with  Carmen,  one 
the  time;  but  I  would  have  been  con-  popular  theme  of  melodrama  with 
tent  to  forego  historical  accuracy  for  j  another,  I  ask  myself  whether  he  might 


something   a  little  less  destructive  of 
the  picture. 

Mile.  DESTINN  was  once  more  ador- 


not  have  allowed  himself  to  put  our 
senses  under  a  rather  stronger  and 
more  captivating  spell.  For,  after  all, 


able.     Apart  from  her  delicious  voice,   BIZET  gets  his  atmosphere,  and  very 


with  the  moving  appeal  of  its  middle 
notes,  every  detail  of  her  action — the 
last  tiling  that  most  prime  donnc  worry 
about — was  perfect  in  its  sympathetic 
refinement  and  restrained  dramatic 
force.  Signor  BASSI,  whose  memory 
was  at  times  a  little  faulty,  played  also 
with  a  commendable  reserve.  Nor 
must  I  pass  over  the  fascinating  figure 
of  the  Redskin,  Billy  Jackrabbit,  who 


them. 


A  FULL  HOUSE  AT  CO  VENT  GARDE1S. 


seldom  keeps  the  drama  halting,  and 
yet  all  the  time  is  weaving  about  us  an 
irresistible  charm.  There  is  very  little  of 
this  in  Signor  PUCCINI'S  new  work  ;  our 
interest  is  always  engaged,  but  no  sus- 
tained demand  is  put  upon  our  emotions; 
and  such  memories  as  remain  with  us 
are  concerned  rather  with  the  novelty 
of  the  scenes  than  with  his  setting  of 
Even  these  memories  are  marred 
by  the  ugly  note  on  which  the 
lovers  persist  in  iterating  their 
final  addio. 

My  neighbour,  by  the  way, 
seemed  obsessed  by  the  idea 
that  they  were  going  forth  to 
start  upon  a  new  life  out  in  the 
Golden  West.  A  pretty  thought, 
in  which  one  recognises  an  echo 
of  many  melodramas.  But,  as 
I  took  pains  to  explain  to  her, 
they  were  already  as  far  West 
as  they  could  go. 

And  this  brings  me  to  the 
title— La  Fanciulla  del  West  — 
the  worst  piece  of  hybridism 
I  have  ever  met.  And  why  is 
nothing  said  of  the  metallic 
quality  of  this  El  Dorado?  I 
prefer  the  sportsmanlike  courage 
of  the  Italian  gentleman  who 
translated  BEET  HARTE'S  The 
Luck  of  Roaring  Camp  and 
called  it  "  La  Fortuna  del 
Campo  Clamoroso."  He  did 
at  least  get  it  all  in,  and  in 
0.  S. 


The  "full  house  "  is  not  visible  in  the  picture,  because  Minnie    one  language. 
But  to  return  to  Ranee,  the   (Mile.  DESTIXN)  has  got  it  inside  her  stocking  (three  aces  and 
"Sheriff."     In  every  scene   in-    a  P1"")-    With  this  she  beats  the  three  kings  of  Jack  Ifance  — 

eluding  the  noblest  I  have  yet   (M'  GlLLT^  A  Smart  Deduction, 

enjoyed  at  Covent  Garden— a  forest  of  contributed  little  to  the  movement  ofj    ••During  cleaning  operations  at the  Ship  Hotel, 


gigantic  Californian  pines — he  wore, 
without  flinching,  an  evening  waistcoat 
with  a  soft  shirt  front  and  black  tie, 
and  a  rusty  opera  hat.  I  don't  com- 
plain of  these  things  in  their  proper 
place.  Indeed,  I  have  often  admired 
them  when  worn  by  eccentric  occupants 
of  the  stalls  at  Covent  Garden.  But  in 
"  the  forest  primeval  "  they  seemed  to 
betray,  if  I  may  dare  say  it,  a  lack  cf 
harmony  with  their  environment.  Per- 
sonally, I  was  never  in  a  Californian 
mining  camp  during  the  middle  years 
of  the  last  century,  and  cannot  say 
whether  this  costume  was  dc  rigucur 
with  the  sheriffs  of  that  era.  Of  course, 
I  have  heard  of  a  sheriff's  "  posse,"  and 
it  may  well  be  that  this  was  the  fatigue 
pattern  for  an  oflicer  in  command  of 
such  a  body  at  that  period.  If  so,  he 


things,  apart  from  his  habit  of  stealing;  Weybridge,  Surrey,  a  grandfather  clock  va 
drinks  when  no  one  was  looking,  but  i  opened  for  tie  first  time  for  many  years,  and 
ww  an  ftxrranrrlimrv  ro«rfnl  fitrnrn  in  i  fouu(1  to  contain  the  entire  ske'.etoa  cf  a  cat. 

extraordinary  restlul  ngure  in  |  u  b  th      ht  that  the  alli[nal  must  have  leen 
the  great  forest  scene,  where,  through  ,  shut  in  th"e  clook."-£irnin?  Staiidard. 
all  the  tumultuous  excursions  of  rough- 
riders  busily  engaged  in  rounding  up 
Dick  Johnson,  he   maintained  a  very 
perfect  detachment,  sitting  in  the  fore- 


ground  over  a  game  of  solitaire.  It 
was  only  when  they  began  to  string 
the  greaser  up  to  a  tree  that  he  got 


"  Wallasey  Physifian  —  Sir  Hichard  Quain 
(1st  baronet),  the  famous  Irish  physician,  was 
born  in  1876,  and  died  in  1898.  "in  1882,  he 
edited  the  Dictionary  of  Medicine.  Always 


pleased  to  oblige." 


Wirral  Chronicle. 


The  notorious  good  nature  of  editors  is 


put  off  his  game  and  moved  reluctantly  beautifully  exemplified  in  the  case  of 

away,  with  his  pack  of  cards,  to  fresh  '  this  six-year-old  prodigy. 

woods. 

One  cannot  too  highly  commend 
Signor  PUCCINI'S  obvious  desire  to 
establish  the  right  atmosphere,  to  keep 

the  dialogue  flowing  briskly,  and  to  j  On  the  contrary,  they  intend  more 
avoid  delaying  the  movement  of  the  resolutely  than  ever  to  put  one  cubic 
drama  for  the  sake  of  purely  musical '  foot  before  another  and  inarch  on. 


The  Limit. 

"Beyond  this,  the  Government  will  not  re- 
cede one  square  inch.1' — Ihii'y  Chronicle. 


JUNE  14.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


407 


r 


French  Caddie  (anxious  to  express  agreement  wU/t  £i<glish  viiitor'i  view  of  the  situation).   "  Oci,  M'SIEUB — Tula  DAM." 


WHAT  NO  MAN  KNOWS. 

I  DID  not  intend  to  read  anything  at 
all  when  I  entered  the  club  that  day; 
I  wanted  to  write  a  letter.  But  it  was 
lying  open  on  the  chair,  and  so  I  picked 
it  up. 

I  am  inclined  to  believe  now  that  it 
was  put  there  as  a  trap. 

It  was  a  weekly  paper  and  five  days 
old  at  tha^,  so  I  passed  hastily  and 
forgivingly  over  the  racing  column,  in 
wh.ch  "The  Newmarket  Nut"  had 
given  two  non-runners  and  three  losers 
as  his  selections  for  the  previous  day's 
races. 

Then  I  came  to  a  column  headed 
"]\I  im  and  his  Dress,"  written  by  one  who 
styled  himself  "West -end  Lounger" 
—  a  noin-de-yueire  which  attracted 
me  at  once  by  the  careless  grace  with 
which  it  admitted  human  frailties  in 
one  of  exalted  social  station. 

Most  of  this  column  was  taken  up 
with  Answers  to  Correspondents,  and 
it  \v;is  Answer  No.  3  which  led  to 
all  my  trouble. 

It  ran  thus:  "ENQUIRER. — Certainly 
not ;  no  man  with  the  slightest  preten- 
sions to  being  decently  dressed  would 
ever  dream  of  having  more  than  two 
buttons  on  the  cuff  of  a  lounge  suit." 

One  felt  that  "Enquirer"  must  be 
having  a  bad  time  of  it  •  but  so  digni- 
fied and  ciushing  was  the  rebuke  to 
his  artless  query  that  at  first  my 


sympathy  for  him  was  tinged  with 
contempt. 

I  pictured  him  as  a  pushing  man, 
with  no  taste  and  little  tact ;  doubtless 
an  honest  man  according  to  his  lights, 
but — well,  anyway  he  had  been  put  in 
his  place  now. 

Then,  without  warning,  one  of  those 
pangs  of  self-doubt  that  come  to  the 
best  of  us  at  times,  stabbed  through  me. 

I  dropped  the  paper  and  looked  at 
my  own  cuffs — a  thing  I  don't  remem- 
ber doing  before,  except  when  I  am 
playing  golf. 

I  counted  them  carefully ;  then  I 
read  that  reply  to  "Enquirer"  again; 
then  I  counted  them  two  or  three  times, 
covering  each  button  with  the  paper 
when  I  had  finished  counting  it,  so  as 
to  make  quite  sure. 

When  I  had  checked  my  calculations, 
I  found  that  I  had,  without  any  ques- 
tion, three  buttons  on  each  cuff ;  and 
the  suit  I  was  wearing  was  one  of  the 
most  distinctly  lounge  suits  I  have  seen 
for  a  long  time. 

I  put  my  hands  and  as  much  of  my 
sleeves  as  possible  into  my  coat  pockets, 
and  slunk  into  the  hall.  A  few  men 
greeted  me  as  I  passed,  but  I  hurried 
on  ;  their  eyes  seemed  to  be  looking 
for  those  extra  buttons,  and  I  wondered 
how  long  they  had  really  known  about 
it.  I  thought  it  would  have  been  so 
much  kinder,  in  the  long  run,  if  someone 
had  spoken  out  about  it  before. 


I  emerged  into  the  street  with  the 
intention  of  going  straight  to  my  tailor 
and  getting  debuttoned.  (That  is  a 
trade  term  I  invented  on  the  way.) 

I  reflected,  as  I  walked,  that  I  must 
be  more  strict  with  my  tailor  in  future 
and  not  be  put  off  with  airy  assurances 
that  "They"  are  wearing  certain  things. 

As  a  matter  of  fact  I  don't  remember 
being  consulted  at  all  as  to  the  number 
of  buttons  on  my  cuffs. 

A  very  neatly-dressed  man  in  a 
lounge  suit  passed  me  in  Pall  Mall,  and 
I  turned  and  followed  him  bending  out- 
wards (i.e.,  towards  the  road)  to  sea 
if  I  could  count  his  buttons.  I  had 
just  caught  the  flash  of  one  of  them 
when  a  policeman  began  to  watch 
me  narrowly.  So  I  abandoned  the 
pursuit  and  went  on  my  way,  whistling 
wanly. 

Then  I  met  Jones,  and  gripped  his 
hand.  "  Jones,"  I  gasped,  "  how  many 
buttons  have  you  got  on  your  coat 
cuffs?" 

He  fixed  his  eyes  on  me  and  repeated 
my  question  in  a  thoughtful  way  once 
or  twice. 

"  I  give  it  up,"  he  said  at  last.  "Is  it 
a  riddle?" 

"  It  is  no  riddle,"  I  said  sadly.  "It 
is  a  very  serious  matter.  Quick — bow 
many?  " 

"  I  "m  hanged  if  I  know — it  may  be 
anything  from  one  to  half-a-dozen — or 
there  may  not  be  any  at  all.  I  have 


468 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  14,  1911. 


never  been  able  to  see  them  from  where 
I  am." 

He  screwed  his  right  arm  round  as 
he  spoke,  and  I  counted  them  care- 
fully— Jones  checking  me  as  I  numbered 
them  off. 

"  Four !  "  I  shouted.  "  Why,  you  're 
•worse  than  I  am  !  "  and  I  grasped  his 
hand  again. 

It  was  selfish,  no  doubt,  to  show  my 
pleasure  in  his  degradation  so  openly, 
but  it  is  so  comforting  to  know  that 
one  is  not  all  alone  in  these  times  of 
trial. 

I  explained  his  disgrace  to  him  as 
we  strolled  to  the  club ;  but  he  did  not 
seem  to  be  much  affected. 

Jones  always  looks  neat,  but  he 
knows  nothing  about  clothes.  He  is 
the  sort  of  man  who  tells  his  tailor, 
when  he  orders  a  new  suit,  that  he 
wants  something  to  "  wrap  round  him." 

We  had  lunch  together,  and  he  helped 
me  to  regain  my  self-esteem  by  point- 
ing out  several  men  who  had  three  or 
four  buttons  on  their  cuffs. 

Later  on  we  became  quite  unpopular 
by  putting  the  question  direct  to  every 
man  in  the  smoking-room  ;  and  none  of 
them  could  answer  without  counting. 

One  military  member  became  quite 
annoyed  when  it  was  pointed  out  to 
him  that  he  had  three  buttons  on  one 
cuff  and  two  on  the  other. 

We  did  not  ask  any  more  after  that. 

[Should  this  meet  his  eye,  perhaps 
"  Enquirer "  will  kindly  send  me  his 
address,  and  I  will  write  him  a  nice 
letter  of  sympathy  and  comfort.] 


WHO'S    FOB   COSTA   EICA? 
OR,  THE  ART  OF  EECOMMENDATION. 

THE  latest  method  of  inducing 
strangers  to  visit  or  settle  in  a  country 
(as  exemplified  in  a  Times  article)  is  BO 
naive  that  we  are  tempted  to  explain  it 
a  little  fully.  It  is  to  be  found  in  the 
last  South  American  Supplement ;  and 
if  these  supplements  are  not  for  the 
exploitation  of  South  America,  what 
are  they  for  ? 

Let  us  see  how  The  Times'  corre- 
spondent helps  us.  He  begins :  "  Costa 
Eiea  claims  to  be  the  one  Latin- 
American  Eepublic  which  denies  itseli 
the  pleasurable  excitement  of  frequenl 
revolutions.  Perhaps  the  numerous 
earthquakes  give  sufficient  variety  to 
life,  especially  as  they  usually  come 
late  at  night  or  early  in  the  morning 
when  a  hurried  exit  from  the  house  is 
most  disturbing ;  but  there  are  years  o 
stillness  in  the  earth,  and  then  this 
little  country  must  be  an  earthly 
paradise." 

That  is  tempting.  One  never  knows 
one's  luck,  and,  of  course,  it  may  be 


hat  a  year  of  stillness  is  imminent. 
Jut  before  settling  in  this  capricious 
and  there  lire  certain  difficulties.     "It 
s  easily  reached,"  but  "at  present  the 
lealth    regulations   require  fresh  vac- 
cination marks  to  be  shown  on  arriving, 
and  after  19  days'  voyage  from  England 
ast  November  passengers  were  obliged 
;o  report  themselves  at  a  doctor's  oflice 
daily  for  10  days,  in  case  of  cholera 
symptoms."     Consider,  however,  that 
,he  promised  land  is  not  only  reached, 
>ut  entered.     Then  hey  for  the  capital ! 
3ut  here  again  the  sweet  is  so  dashed 
with   sour   that   one  must   be   a  very 
lardy  explorer  to  pursue  the  quarry. 
'  Seven  or  eight  hours  are  needed  for 
)he  102  miles  of  railway  journey  up  to 
San  Jose,  the  capital  of  the  Eepublic, 
)ut  it  is  an  unique  and  beautiful  trip. 
There  may  be  stoppages  for  slides  or 
sreakdowns,  and  the  passengers  may 
lave  the  amusement  of  helping  to  put 
>aek  a  derailed  car,  or  be  detained  for 
weeks  when  heavy  rains  have  washed 
away  the  line.     But,"  adds  The  Times' 
own  Mark  Tapley,  "  when  all  goes  well 
,he  lover  of  nature  has  a  feast." 

Cartago  is  on  the  way.  This  is,  of 
course,  au  fond  a  deliriously  enticing 
spot,  but  just  now  "is  trying  to  recover 
'rom  the  terrible  earthquake  of  last 
spring,  when  scarcely  a  house  was 
left  standing.  As  it  was  also  destroyed 
by  an  earthquake  in  1841  there  was 
some  discussion  whether  it  should  be 
again  rebuilt  on  the  same  spot  at  the 
foot  of  the  active  volcano  of  Irazu, 
but  the  inhabitants  decided  to  do  so. 
Both  there  and  in  San  Jose  they  are 
endeavouring  to  profit  by  the  experi- 
ence of  other  earthquake  countries  in 
building,  and  no  longer  put  roofs  of 
heavy  tiles ;  but  a  drawback  to  the 
sheets  of  corrugated  metal  now  used  is 
that  they  wear  into  holes  quickly, 
letting  the  rain  through."  The  corre- 
spondent's reflection  that  "  a  superior 
quality  of  metal  roofing,  warranted  to 
last  more  than  two  or  three  years, 
should  sell  readily  there,"  makes  one 
wonder  whether,  perhaps,  it  would  not 
be  better  for  the  emigrant  to  let  the 
roofing  get  there  first. 

We  reach  San  Jose  at  last — if  we 
are  lucky — and  quickly  find  that  it 
has  "a  prison  and  a  lunatic  asylum 
of  the  best  modern  description."  It 
is  also  very  healthy,  there  being 
"  little  sickness,  except  that  due  to 
impure  water."  But  what  is  that, 
after  all '?  Merely  a  little  typhoid,  a 
little  diphtheria,  now  and  then,  just  to 
prevent  life  from  being  too  monoton- 
ously joyous.  The  situation  of  the 
city  is  delightful,  being  sheltered  from 
the  north  by  the  volcanos  of  Irazu, 
Barba  and  Poas,  the  last  of  which 
"  has  an  extraordinary  geyser  in  its 


crater  which  explodes  sometimes  to  a 
great  height,"  no  doubt  to  the  immense 
satisfaction  of  the  neighbourhood. 

The  industry  is  banana  growing,  and 
'  vacant  land  can  be  obtained  by  any- 
one who  puts  in  a  claim,  apparently 
without  payment" — that"  apparently" 
sounds  rather  like  a  catch  —  "  but 
•oads  are  bad  and  construction  dim- 
cult."  That  is  to  say,  even  though 
fou  may  get  your  fruit  it  may  go 
wrong  before  it  can  reach  the  cus- 
iomer.  The  Italian  emigrants  who 
;ried  have  found  it  unsatisfactory  and 
returned  home.  The  lower  hills  look 
— "look  "is  good  —  suitable  for  tea 
growing ;  but  tea-growing  has  not 
succeeded.  The  natives  also  are  not 
capable  of  much  work,  especially  near 
the  capital,  where  the  women  are 
addicted  to  goitres. 

The      last      sentence      states     that 
the    Government   wishes    to    attract 
oreigners."      Surely    that    end    must 
now  be  attained. 


TO   CREATE  A  MODEEN  HAT. 
THE  ONLY  WAY. 

TAKE  any  shape  of  straw  that  pre- 
tends to  be  the  foundation  of  a  hat. 

Give  the  thing  to  the  baby  or  any 
other  inquisitively  destructive  animal 
;o  play  with  for  ten  minutes  on  a  well- 
washed,  dry  floor. 

Choose  a  large  collection  of  incon- 
gruous odds  and  ends,  very  big  and 
all  ugly. 

Lay  them  on  the  middle  of  the  table. 

Bandage  your  eyes  and  draw  ends 
and  odds  alternately  with  either  hand, 
but  perfectly  at  random. 

With  the  eyes  still  bandaged,  sew  or 
gum  all  the  odds  on  one  side  of  the 
thing  and  the  ends  on  the  other. 

Eemove  the  bandage  from  your  eyes, 
and  throw  the  confection  vertically 
upwards  with  a  spin  on  it,  and  catch 
it  on  your  head  as  it  descends. 

Pin  it  there  instantly.  This  decides 
which  is  the  front  and  also  on  what 
region  of  the  head  it  shall  be  worn. 

Avoid  communication  with  persons 
of  taste  and  judgment  during  the 
critical  stages  of  construction. 

If  at  the  end  your  friend  (not  known 
to  be  jealous)  says,  "  That's  something 
like  a  hat,"  you  may  know  you  have 
failed. 

There  should  be  no  resemblance. 


"There  is  much  about  the  Coronation  in 
Nash's  Magazine  for  June.  Mr.  Alfred  Austin 
contributes  a  fourteen-line  sonnet  on  the  subject 
in  his  well-known  style. "—  Daily  Telegraph. 

This  is  very  short  measure  for  a 
Coronation  sonnet.  All  the  decent 
poets  are  giving  eighteen  lines  at  least, 
and  some  twenty. 


JINK  14,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAPJVAPJ. 


469 


/ 


' 


\» 


; 

/f\          -** 


'  v    W&~'^^  WfWr 


Bay  (to  Schoolmaster  starting  races).   "PLEASE,  SIR,  I  CAS'T  GO;    MV  WIIKELBA  BROW'S  ILL." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Afr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

MRS.  EARLE  won  s,  high  place  in  the  regard  of  the 
reading  public  by  her  first  book,  Pot-Pourri  from  a  Surrey 
Garden,  which,  I  am  not  surprised  to  see,  is  flourishing 
in  its  29th  edition.  The  claim  will  be  strengthened  by 
her  new  work,  Memoirs  and  Memories  (SMITH,  ELDER). 
It  has  the  charm  of  the  Pot-Pourri  style,  of  which 
Mrs.  EAHLE  is  past-mistress.  There  is  no  particular  order 
in  the  book  nor  any  sequence  in  its  story.  Coming  upon 
a  number  of  old  family  letters  and  papers  locked  up  nearly 
seventy  years  ago,  in  the  cupboard  of  her  father's  library, 
she  sorts  them  out  in  leisurely  fashion  and  sends  them  to 
the  printer.  Her  father's  hoard  was  supplemented  by 
her  mother's,  and  of  these,  linked  up  with  some  of 
her  own  memories,  she  makes  a  charmingly  disorderly 
book.  It  purports  to  be  written  for,  and  is  dedicated 
to,  her  grandchildren,  a  circumstance  that  permits  of  the 
introduction  of  much  intimate  family  correspondence. 
From  the  letters,  dating  as  far  back  as  the  second  decade 
of  the  19th  century,  we  get  interesting  glimpses  of  the 
past.  Writing  under  date  1819,  an  uncle  of  Mrs.  EARLE'S 
husband  reports:  "  Mr.  Buckland,  in  a  letter  received  from 
him  tliis  morning,  says  he  lately  went  in  a  steam  vessel 
90  miles  in  little,  if  anything,  more  than  6J  hours." 
Prodigious!  Mrs.  EARLE'S  quick  eye  for  good  "copy"  is 
shown  in  varied  instances.  One  is  supplied  by  quotation 
of  the  account  of  her  parents'  wedding,  which  appeared  in 
The  Morning  Post :  "  The  bridegroom,"  it  is  recorded, "  was 
supported  on  either  side  by  the  Marquis  of  Londonderry 


and  Lord  John  Russell.  It  gave  us  great  pleasure  to 
remark  this  oblivion  to  political  differences  in  the  great 
leaders  of  opposite  parties  whilst  engaged  in  the  more 
pleasing  duties  of  private  life."  In  the  best  passages  of  his 
frequent  burlesques  of  The  Morning  Post  man  of  the  Thirties, 
THACKERAY  never  exceeded  that  delightful  touch.  From 
childhood  Mrs.  EARLE  has,  over  a  period  of  60  years,  been 
brought  into  close  contact  with  many  of  the  most  interest- 
ing people  in  literature,  art  and  politics.  She  chats  about 
them  in  the  simple  artless  fashion  that  conceals  the 
highest  literary  art. 

In  the  days  of  Moll  o'  the  Toll-Bar  (HUTCHINSON)  there 
were  no  County  Councils,  no  half-penny  press  and  no  Mr. 
WINSTON  CHURCHILL.  Their  sermons  finished,  cock-fighting 
parsons  backed  their  own  birds  against  all  comers  in  bloody 
combat  in  their  own  churchyards.  Women  who  were  . 
vagrants  were  stripped  to  the  waist  and  flogged  at  the  public 
whipping-post  till  they  swooned.  Lovers  were  torn  from 
their  lasses,  as  they  walked  the  lanes,  by  men  wearing  the 
King's  uniform,  and  carried  off,  bound  hand  and  foot,  to 
fight  and,  what  is  more  astounding,  to  win  their  country's 
battles  on  the  high  seas,  side  by  side  with  the  scum  of  the 
nation.  Starving  men  crept  out  on  the  hill-sides  to  search 
for  food  for  their  starving  wives  and  children,  and  were 
hanged  (sometimes,  like  the  father  of  Mr.  MASEFIELD'S  Naii, 
when  they  were  innocent)  for  stealing  sheep.  It  was  in 
this  Merrie  England  of  a  little  more  than  a  hundred  years 
ago  that  Lady  Moll,  as  the  Ullerdale  villagers  called  her, 
loved  and  was  loved  by  Sir  Harry  Brackenthwaite.  MisR  I 
THEODORA  WILSON  -  WILSON  has  written  several  other  boo'-cs 


470 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  14,  1911. 


in  her  time,  so  that  it  is  rather  daring  of  me  to  say  that'  for  the  same  function — "sounded  very  well  from  a  distance." 
Moll  o'  the  Toll-liar  seems  to  me  rather  amateurish  in !  Afterwards  he  records  receiving,  as  a  reward,  a  gold  snuff- 
style,  and — I  may  as  well  be  hanged  for  a  sheep  as  a  lamb  box  from  the  gala  committee,  with  "the  hunting  scene 


— a  promising  subject  for  the  plot  of  a  Lyceum  melodrama. 
But  I  like  it  all  the  same,  because  I  like  her  Lady  Moll, 
who  was  ahead  of  her  time,  as  well  as  above  her  apparent 


engraved  on  the  top  so  badly  done  that  in  several  places 
the  metal  was  cut  through."  The  quotation  is  a  good 
example  of  the  frank  and  somewhat  pungent  style  in  which 


station  in  life.  I  like,  too,  to  think  that  even  in  those!  the  whole  memoirs  are  written.  Their  greatest  interest 
amazing  days  there  were  plenty  of  sweet  Molls  in  England,'  lies  in  their  revelation  of  a  personality  rather  arresting 
as  there  are  still.  Perhaps  that  was  partly  the  reason  than  attractive ;  not  so  much  an  unconscious  revelation,  as 
why  we  won  our  Trafalgars,  in  spite  of  the  press-gangs  one  conveyed  deliberately,  with  that  frank  absorption  in 
and  the  cock-fights  and  the  hangings  and  the  whippings  self  which  is  among  the  penalties,  or  the  rewards,  of  the 


of  vagrant  (and  voteless)  women. 


The  House  of  Bondage   (HEINEMANN)   is  not  only  an 


artistic  temperament.  Anyhow,  it  is  all  exceedingly  good 
reading;  and  one  cannot  but  regret  that  the  story  should  end 
abruptly,  with  the  royal  summons  to  Munich,  at  the  begin- 


exceptionally  readable  novel,  but   it   is   also  an  able  and  ning  of  what  should  have  been  its  most  fantastic  chapter. 


ingenious  argument  of  Mr.  C. 
G.  COMPTON  on  behalf  of  Lady 
Winborough,  sometime  Laura 
Henderson,  The  short  fact  is 
that  she,  having  been  induced 
to  take  her  honeymoon  before 
her  marriage,  and  having  been 
left  in  some  poverty  with  no 
husband  and  one  son,  contracted 
another  alliance  with  an 
Oriental -minded  but  charming 
Greek  of  the  City,  marriage  still 
being  deferred.  You  are  asked 
to  fall  in  line  with  the  many 
high-principled  and  clever  men 
and  women  who,  some  at  once 
and  some  after  laborious  con- 
viction, forgive,  exonerate,  and 
finally  applaud  her  conduct. 
So  delicately  and  yet  brilliantly 
does  her  advocate  state  her  case, 
and  such  is  her  character  shown 
to  be,  that  the  defence  must  so 
far  have  succeeded.  But  it  goes 
further;  it  urges  that  she  is 
typical  of  a  class,  small  but 
extant,  and  that  the  class  must 
at  the  least  have  toleration. 
There  I  am  not  convinced. 
Laura,  in  the  bravery  of  a 
high  aim,  went  to  the  last 
resource;  the  class  more  often 
takes  the  first  opportunity  reck- 
lessly. I  doubt  if  justice  has 
1)  i'n  done,  as  it  has  been 
attempted,  to  the  view  which,  not  entirely  in  ignorant 
bias  or  conventional  intolerance,  sticks  out  for  marriage 
before  honeymoon.  The  verdict,  however,  is  left  with  the 
jury  of  readers.  My  recommendation  to  them  is  to  give 
the  matter  their  most  careful  attention,  and  by  no  means 
to  neglect  the  mass  of  irrelevant  but  wholly  delightful 
matter  with  which  it  is  surrounded. 


Mufti.    "YOU    DOISG    AXYIHIXG    AT    THE    COEOXAHOJJ,  OLD 

MAN!" 

Uniform.  "YES,  I'M  GOINO  TO  LINK  A  STREET." 


The  announcement,  made  in  the  press  a  few  days  ago, 
that  an  "unknown"  work  of  WAGNEB  has  been  unearthed 
at  Dresden,  in  the  form  of  an  instrumental  accompaniment 
to  the  chorus  of  male  voices  written  by  the  master  for  a 
State  command  in  1843,  comes  as  an  interesting  supplement 
to  his  own  account  of  the  occasion,  which  I  have  just 
been  reading  in  My  Life,  by  Richard  Wagner  (CONSTABLE). 
Nothing,  of  course,  is  said  here  as  to  the  instrumental 
accompaniment,  which  was  perhaps  discarded  as  unsatis- 
factory, WAGNER'S  comments  being  merely  that  "my 
simpler  song" — as  compared  with  MENDELSSOHN'S  anthem 


plot    is    complicated    by 
District     Comi 
to    tha    cause 


Commissioner    is 

of     emancipation 


If  I  have  any  criticism  to  make 
upon  the  two  handsome  volumes 
in  which  Messrs.  CONSTABLE 
have  issued  the  memoirs,  it  is  a 
regret  that  theperson  responsible 
for  this"  authorised  translation  " 
should  not  have  been  named 
upon  the  title-page.  The  skill 
with  which  the  flavour  of  the 
original  German  has  been  pre- 
served in  his  rendering — e.g., 
such  phrases  as  "dazzl'ng  re- 
spectability," applied  by  WAGNEB 
to  the  position  of  Court  con- 
ductor— deserves  grateful  recog- 
nition by  the  many  to  whom 
this  book  will  be  a  delight. 

If  you  read  The  Price  of  Em- 
pire (BLACKWOOD)  as  I  did,  out 
of  doors  on  a  very  hot  day,  you 
will  find  your  hands  slightly 
embrued  with  scarlet,  which, 
combined  with  the  ominous 
hints  contained  in  the  earlier 
chapters  oE  the  book,  will  give 
you  the  gloomiest  anticipations 
of  a  terribla  and  tragic  denoue- 
ment. Utilising  the  topical 
theme  of  unrest  in  India,  Mrs. 
HOBAET-HAMPDEN  has  written 
a  rather  thrilling  story  of  a  con- 
spiracy to  murder  the  English 
women  and  children  in  the 
remote  station  of  Pachor.  The 
the  fact  that  the  Assistant 

himself  a  Bengali,  vowed 
and  possessed  of  a 


beautiful  sister  who  attempts  to  entangle  the  young 
civilian,  Allan  Tremaine.  I  cannot  say  that  I  find 
the  development  of  the  emotional  drama  overwhelmingly  :j 
probable,  and  it  was  not  assisted  by  a  rather  conventional  ' 
style  of  narration.  There  are  too  many  sentences  like 
"  The  thin  veneer  of  civilisation  restrained  her  "  (it  is  time, 
I  think,  that  civilisation  found  itself  a  new  simile  and  be- 
came a  varnish,  perhaps,  or  even  a  distemper).  But  the 
tale  moves  well,  and  I  gave  a  little  gasp  of  relief  to  find 
that,  in  spite  of  a  badly  split  infinitive  somewhere  about  the 
hundredth  page,  the  Empite  retained  its  integrity  to  the  end. 


"  It  is  said  that  the  King's  gift  will  take  the  form  of  an  electric  motor- 
carriage,  but  the  secret  is  being  well  kept." 

The  writer  seems  confident  that  his  paper  (whose  name  we 
kindly  suppress)  does  not  enter  Royal  circles. 


JUNE  21,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


471 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE   PHINCE   OF   WALKS   has    been 
invested  as  a   Knight   of   the  Garter. 


One    of     the    best     investments 
Nation  has  ever  made. 


the 


Everyone  is  hurrying  up  to  see  the 
Coronation,  and  the  cry  is,  Still  they 
come.  A  puma,  a  crocodile,  and  two 
chimpanzees  were  born  at  Bostock's 
Jungle  at  the  White  City  last  week. 
*  * 

During  the  great  heat,  we  hear,  the 
promoters  of  the  Coventry  Coronation 
Procession  were  inundated  with  offers 
from  ladies  who 
were  willing  to  fill 
the  rdle  of  Lady 
GODIVA  without  any 
fee  whatever. 
...  *  * 

We  are  told  that 
in  the  work  of 
designing  the  Coro- 
nation Cake  pre- 
sented to  the  KING 
the  services  of  a 
Eoyal  Academician 
were  employed. 
This  is  quite  cred- 
ible, for  we  believe 
that  the  Albert 
Memorial  in  Hyde 
Park  was  designed 
by  a  Eoyal  Academi- 
cian. 

*  * 

* 

Sir  JAMES  BAER, 
the  Liverpool  phy- 
sician, addressing 
the  congress  of  the 
Canadian  Medical 
Association,  said 
that  the  dawn  of  a 
new  era  in  the 
medical  world  was 
breaking  forth,  and, 
under  the  system  of 
prevention  of  disease, 


Nui  sory  while   she  made  the  tour  of  "  Honour   for   Mr.   JESSE   COIXINGS." 
the  Festival  of  Em  pi  ro.  This  makes  the  other  gentleman  out 


An  attempt  is  to  be  made  to  change 


to  be  a  very  superior  person. 


the  name  of  the  Gaiety  Theatre  to  the  j      The  wine  growers  of   the  Aubo  dis- 
Jayety  Theatre.  trict   are    now   incensed    against    the 

*;;;*  Government  for    labelling   their   wine 

At  the  Coronation  Exhibition  there  i"  champagne    of    the    second    zone." 
is    a    stall    where,    according    to    an  Wo  certainly  prefer  ours  to  be  of  the 


announcement,  one  may  purchase 
"Old  Egyptian  Antiquities."  Lovers 
of  Modern  Antiquities  will  have  to  go 
elsewhere. 


*  * 


A  two-hundred-guinea  hat,  made  to 


third,  or  frigid,  zone. 
*  „* 

Some  of  the  inhabitants  are  even 
going  so  far,  in  their  rage,  as  to  invite 
the  GERMAN  EMPEROR  to  annex  them. 
It  is  rumoured  that  His  Majesty 


the  order  of  a  customer,  was  on  view  j  may  accept  the  offer  with  a  view  to 


IN    ORDER    TO    AVOID     "SOCIAL    BIAS,"    JUDGES    IN    FIJI  L' RE    WILL    BX    SELECIhD    PKOM 


ALL  CLASSES. 


there    should 


be  little  future  need  of  surgical  inter- 
ference. We  hear  that  a  Surgeons' 
Defence  Society  is  to  be  formed  at 
once  to  prevent  this. 


*  * 
* 


More  realism  !  The  new  Samson  at 
the  Opera,  the  other  night,  brought  the 
house  down. 


*  * 
* 


"Mothers  visiting  the  Crystal  Palace," 
it  was  announced  last  week,  "  may,  at 
an  inclusive  charge  of  fourpence  for  the 
whole  day,  leave  their  children  at  the 
Model  Day  Nursery."  We  have  since 
heard  that  an  old  lady  of  seventy,  with 
strong  views  on  a  woman's  right  to 
"  live  her  own  life,"  took  advantage  of 
this  offer,  depositing  her -two  sons,  aged 
fifty  and  fifty-one  respectively,  in  the 


at  a  milliner's  last  week.  In  the  same 
way  one  sometimes  sees  frames  of 
considerably  greater  value  than  the 
pictures  which  they  surround. 

*  :'.: 

During  the  re-building  of  a  post- 
office  in  the  Borough  the  workmen 
discovered  fifteen  letters,  posted  in 
1886,  1888  and  1889,  behind  an  old 
sorting-table.  An  admirer  of  CHARLES 
LAMB  suggests  that  all  our  post-offices 
shall  be  re-built  with  a  view  to  dis- 
covering other  missing  letters. 

*  * 

"The  Birmingham  City  Council, 
yesterday,  decided  to  confer  the  hon- 
orary freedom  of  the  city  upon  Mr. 
JESSE  COLLINGS,  M.P.,  and  Alderman 
WILLIAM  KENRICK."  This  announce- 
ment is  entitled  by  The  Express 


exchanging  the 
district  later  on  for 
Morocco. 

*...* 

The  City  Press  is 
authorised  to  state 
that,  despite  sug- 
gestions to  the 
contrary,  the  City  is 
giving  very  earnest 
consideration  to  the 
question  of  central- 
ising the  criminal 
work  of  the  Metro- 
polis at  the  01  i 
Bailey.  It  is  thought 
that  this  announce- 
ment will  satisfy 
our  Metropolitan 
criminals,  who  were 
fearing  that  their 
interests  were  being 
neglected,  and  wer,: 
even  talking  of  going 
on  strike. 

*  * 

The  London  Gen- 
eral Omnibus  Com- 
pany has  decided  to 
instruct  its  drivers 
to  moderate  their 
speed  with  a  view 
—  to  reducing  the 
number  of  accidents.  It  is  presumed 
that  one  of  their  customers  must 
have  been  run  over  by  one  of  their 
vehicles. 

*...* 

"I  am  only  surprised,"  said  an 
omnibus  driver,  interviewed  on  the 
subject,  "  that  there  are  not  more 
accidents."  As  a  matter  of  fact  some 
persons  are  of  the  opinion  that  there 


are. 


"FRENCHMAN  or  GERMAN. — A  permanent 
VACANCY  occurs  with  good  export  firm  for 
youug  foreigner,  to  act  as  VOLONTAIRE.  20s. 
after  a  few  weeks." — Daily  Telegraph, 

Too  simple!  Not  even  a  Frenchman 
or  German,  willing  as  they  may  be  to 
work  for  nothing  in  England,  is  going 
to  jump  at  a  "  permanent  vacancy." 


J 


VOL. 


c  c 


472 


H'NCII,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  21.  1911. 


TO    WILLIAM    SHAKSPEARE. 

[On  the  occasion  of  the  Historic  Costume  Ball  given  in  his  licmaur, 
.Tune 


. 

MASTKH,  I  would  the  scene  were  graced  by  you 
\Ylien,  richly  dizened  by  the  costume-drapers, 
For  your  peculiar  benefit  we  do 

Our  set  quadrilles  and  honorific  capers  ; 
To  rniss  in  person  this  so  flattering  boom, 
To  have  no  part  in  our  memorial  molly, 
Should  make  your  hallowed  bones  assumo 
A  restive  air  within  the  tomb 
At  Stratford-cum-Corelli. 

Swift  falls  to  some  the  meed  of  high  renown  ; 

At  eve  their  fame  is  nil  ;  they  've  not  begun  it  ; 
Next  morning  they  're  the  talk  of  half  the  Town— 

A  column  in  The  Daily  Mail  has.  done  it. 
.  But,  ere  the  countiy  came  to  understand 

That  your  performance  furnished  ample  reason 
For  pomps  of  so  superb  a  brand, 
It  took  them  just  three  centuries  and 

A  Coronation  Season. 
But  now  the  Smart  Contingent  "  takes  you  up;" 

For  you,  the  very  last  of  London's  crazes, 
Society  consents  to  dance  and  sup  — 

The  noblest  monument  it  over  raises  ; 
Not  theirs  to  question  —  that  were  too  abstruse— 
Whether  your  actual  merit  more  or  less  is, 
But,  like  a  charity,  your  use 
Is  to  afford  a  fit  excuse 
For  wearing  fancy  dresses. 

Thus  in  their  dinner-parties  forth  they  go, 

Plumed  and  brocaded,  wigged  and  precious-stony— 
Rosalind,  Portia,  Puck  and  Prospero, 

Strikingly  reproducing  your  persona  ; 
All  times  and  scenes  —  from  Hamlet's  Elsinora 
To  Juliet's  "fair  Verona  "  (quattro-cento), 
Making  for  you,  from  out  their  store 
Of  rather  vague  historic  lore, 
A  truly  chic  memento. 

Master,  if  such  affairs  intrigue  your  ghost 

Moving  at  large  among  the  world's  immortals, 
You'll  guess  what  motive  bids  this  gallant  host 

Swarm  to  the  masquerade  through  ALBERT'S  portals. 
Is  it  your  show  or  theirs  ?     Of  such  a  doubt 
Your  human  wit  will  make  a  healthy  clearance  : 
You  '11  judge  that  all  who  join  the  rout 
Are  solely  exercised  about 
Their  personal  appearance. 

And  yet  —  God  speed  them  at  their  "  SHAKSPEAEE  Ball,' 

Treading  (on  others'  toes)  the  daedal  dances, 
Though  some  have  never  read  your  plays  at  all, 
•  And  some  imagine  you  are  BACON  (FEANCIS). 
They  serve  an  end  ;  their  ticket-money  buys 
Solid  material  for  the  shrine  we  owe  you  ; 
And  soon  a  temple's  walls  shall  rise 
Where,  even  under  English  skies, 

People  may  get  to  know  you.  O.  S. 


ALL  THE    PREPARATIONS. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Oicn  Special  French  Correspondent.) 

I  HAVE  recounted  you,  my  dear  Colleg,  how  it  is  passed 
itself  that  I  have  loued  a  chamber  at  Putney,  faubourg 
very  agreeable  situate  on  the  bords  of  the  Thames.  Fo: 
to  find  it  I  have  dued  to  sue  blood  and  water,  but  now 
I  live  like  a  cock  in  paste.  It  is  a  modest  house,  a  quin- 


caillery,  and  the  proprietor  names  himself  Bolus,  droll 
of  name,  but  one  must  not  regard  to  it  of  too  near,  for 
my  chamber  has  the  air  to  be  pulled  to  four  pins.  Even 
at  Paris,  town  of  the  propre  chambers,  one  would  not 
Bnd  nothing  of  more  propre.  Mr.  the  quincaillier  Bolus 
is  an  honest  boy.  He  speak  not  a  word  of  French.  "  I 
learn  not  the  lii!go  ai  school,"  he  say,  "  and  now  it 
is  too  late;  the  old  dogs  learn  not  tricks  any  more." 
I  say  to  him  " There  is  my  affair,"  I  say.  "I  desire  to 
ixerce  myself  to  speak  English."  He  say,  "  liight,  all 
right;  we  shall  not  fall  out,  I  daresay,"  and  me  to  answer 
liim,  "Parbleu,  no,"  I  say  to  him,  "  the  bed  is  big  enough 
[or  that  I  do  not  fall  out  of  it."  He  places  himself  to 
laugh.  "Aha,"  he  say,  "you  are  a  joker;  I  like  jokers." 
My  little  pleasantry,  I  make  myself  strong  to  say  it,  has 
had  a  mad  success,  for  he  call  Madame  Bolus  and  repeat 
it  to  her,  and  then  he  call  his  daughter  Miss  Bolus,  and 
she  too  has  to  pass  by  there,  but  she  say,  "  Papa  [  how 
you  do  run  on,"  and  at  the  end  I  tend  him  my  hand 
and  say,  "  Tap  there,  my  old,"  and  he  taps,  and  there 
we  are  then  friends.  When  I  think  at  the  detestable 
McAndrews  it  is  well  the  case  to  felicitate  myself  of 
having  had  the  courage  to  demenage  from  there.  1  believe 
I  have  well  pulled  my  pin  out  of  the  game. 

Chez  Madame  Bolus,  there  is  not  even  difficulty  about 
the  repasts.  For  my  breakfast  she  betwesn-opens  the 
door  of  my  chamber  and  pushes  me  in  on  the  carpet  a 
cup  of  coffee  to  the  milk  and  some  tartines  of  butter. 
That  suffises  me ;  it  is  the  habitude  of  us  other  Frenches. 
And  the  coffee  is  of  an  excellence,  but  of  an  excellence 
to  make  forget  his  salute  \  Never  even  in  Paris  I  have 
not  gouted  of  better.  It  appear  that  Mister  Bolus  is 
celebrate  for  his  coffee  in  all  the  quarter.  In  the  past 
he  has  had  as  loeatary  a  professor  of  the  French  tongue 
who  fell  rnalad  and  was  tenderrnently  soigned  by  Madame 
Bolus  who  deployed  for  him  all  the  virtues  of  a  guard- 
malad.  For  reconnaissance,  when  he  guerits,  he  give 
Madame  Bolus  a  dictionary  French-English,  veritable 
trouvaille  for  me,  though  I  have  not  employed  him  much 
yet,  and  he  insigns  Mister  Bolus  the  art  of  making  the 
coffee  d  la  Franqaisc.  "Truly,"  says  Madame  Bolus  in 
recounting  me  this  history,  "  we  have  not  obliged  an 
ingrate."  Yes,  they  are  bravo  peoples,  these  Bolus. 

For  the  Crownment  I  have  now  a  good  billet  at  three 
pounds,  and  I  shall  be  at  same  to  make  you  see  that 
grandiose  spectacle  with  some  French  eyes. 

Believe  me,  your  all  devout  JULES  MILLEFOIS. 

[PosT  SCKIPTUM. — The  time  ecoules  itself  without  that 
we  apperceive  ourselves  of  it  and  there  we  are  at  one  week 
of  the  great  eventment.  I  please  myself  to  promenade  me 
in  the  streets  of  London.  What  a  changement  of  decora- 
tion \  Everywhere  workmen  who  chancel  under  the  weight 
of  long  planches  or  gigantesque  poutres.  The  face  of  the 
houses  is  covered  of  them.  Everywhere  the  perpetual 
tic-tac  of  hammers,  and  everywhere  the  Policeman,  robust 
and  solid  guardian  of  those  who  aventure  themselves  in  the 
streets  on  a  day  of  fete.  I  address  myself  to  a  Policeman 
who  stations  in  Pall  Mall.  I  say  to  him,  "  There  will  be 
much  of  world  the  day  of  the  Crownment,  is  it  not  ?  "  For 
all  response  he  laugh,  and  then  he  say  to  me,  "  Yes,  the 
whole  world  will  be  there,  and  a  tidy  lot  more  too." 
I  write  down  his  word  and  then  I  make  him  a  pleasantry. 
I  say  to  him,  "  But  it  is  not  tidy  your  amass  of  planches 
and  poutres ;  it  is  everything  what  there  is  of  mosl 
untidy."  And  he  to  answer  me,  "  Vive  1'ontonty  cordialy  ' 
— it  is  like  that  he  pronounce  the  French.  I  serre  him  the 
hand  and  continue  my  promenade.  I  feel  that  to  us  two 
we  can  combat  the  world  entire.} 


PUNCH,    OH   TI1K    LONDON    CHARIVARI.— JINK  21.  1911. 


THE   SUBUBBAN   LOYALISTS. 

(Time — 2  a.m.) 

WIKK  .n  CORONATION  ENTHUSIAST.  "HAVE  YOU  GOT  EVERYTHING?  THE  SANDWICHES  AND  THE  TEA-FLASK 
AND  THE  CAMERA  AND  THE  FIELD-GLASSES,  AND  THE  MAP  OF  THE  ROUTE,  AND  YOUR  MACKINTOSH  AND 
UMBRELLA,  AND  MY  GOLOSHES,  AND  THE  ANTI-SLUMBER  TABLOIDS  AND  THE  LATCHKEY  t" 

CORONATION  ENTHUSIAST.  "YES,  MY"  LOVE;  AND  MY  TOBACCO  AND  WHISKY,  AND  A  SPARE  COLLAR,  AND 
A  HAT.PIN  PROTECTOR.  AND  A  COPY  OF  THE  POLICE-REGULATIONS." 


JUNK  21.  1'Jll.] 


1'fNCir,   OR   THH   LONDON   CII.MM V.MM. 


i73 


Old  Lady  (trimming  her  liminet  for  lie  festal  occasion').    "YES,  Ml'M,   I  MISSED   QPIEX  VICTOUIA'S  COHONATIOS  'CAUSE  IT  WAS 
MOTHEK'S  WASHING-DAY,  AND  KING  EDWABU'S  'CAUSE  IT  WERE  MINE,  BUT  I'LL  PUT  OFF  JIE  WASHING  TILL  <.'iu:;-i  MAS  KAIIIEB  TUAX 

Miss    THIS    'UN'." 


THE  GREAT  ADDLED  EEVIEW. 

(With  profound  acknowledgments  to 
the  Proprietor  and  Editor  of  "  The 
Great  Adult  licview.") 

WHY  ADDLED?    BECAUSE 

—  Our  standard  is  not  that  of  the 
mealy-mouthe.l  modOinist,  but  of  the 
nob'.o  savage  who  prefers  his  meat 
bigh. 

Our  Editor  only  recognises  the  morality 
of  Truth  and  feels  it  his  duty  to  pro- 
claim "the  fascination  of  corruption." 

Addle  is  etymologically  connected 
with  the  German  add — i.e.  nobility. 

Fresh  eggs  are  useless  as  missiles 
wherewith  to  pelt  self-righteousness. 

Our  aim  is  to  free  the  downtrodden 
reading  public  from  the  enervating 
yulk  of  insipidity. 

We  are  not  purveyors  of  nursery 
pabulum  but  of  strong  meat  for  stout 
stomachs. 

Wo  stand  for  courage,  originality, 
progress,  and  unlimited  bilge- water. 


The   Lniidiin    Scottish   are   entertaining  the 
il  troops  on  Juiie  21  at  a  smoking  concert 
to!«>  li'fl'lat  headquarters,  Bu"kin<;liam  Gate. 

There  wi.l  be  two  rehearsals  at  Westminster 
U.!...y  r.c\t  week."— £i-ening  Times. 

If  we  had  not  seen  it  in  print  we  should 
never  havo  believed  it. 


ARMS  AND  THE  ASS. 

[Heraldic  terms  are  not  guaranteed.] 

No  errnined  robes  adorn  me.    Nay, 
My  clothes  are  drab,  with  tie  to 

match ; 

Although  a  bard,  I  can't  display 
Even  a  modest  purple  patch  ; 
Yet   pride   is   strong   in   my   plebeian 

breast, 
And  my  ambition  is  to  have  a  Crest. 

But  what?     I  spend  long  hours  in 

thought, 

Finding  the  problem  very  hard. 
Sometimes  it  seems  to  me  I  ought, 

Being,  as  I  have  said,  a  bard, 
To  have  a  Rampant  Pen,  or,  better  still, ' 
A  Laurel  Wreath  impaled  upon  a  Quill,  j 

And  when  I  ply  my  daily  task 
(Perched  on  a  stool,  with  careworn 

face) 
I  cease  my  toil  at  times  to  ask 

If  this  device  would  meet  the  case 
(Excuse  mistakes ;    I  "ve  never  learnt  I 

the  rules) — 

A  Ledger  flanked  by  Inkpots  sable, 
gules. 

Or,  since  such  men  are  skilled  and 

wise, 
It   won't   be    past    the    Heralds' 

powers 

To  plan  a  Crest  to  symbolise 
The  passion  of  my  leisure  hours. 


This,  roughly,  is  the  sort  of  thing  I 

mean — 
A  Golfer  sanguine  putting  on  a  Green. 

In  softer  moments,  when  to  Nell 

My  fancy  wanders,  I  design 
A  thing  which,  if  emblazoned  well, 
Would  look,  I  'in  sure,  extremely 

fine; 

I  know  exactly  how  it  should  be  done — 
A  Damsel  proper  habited  A  1. 

Yet,  since  my  versos  don't  succeed, 

And  since  I  loathe  the  office  stool, 
And  sinca  my  golf  is  vile  indeed, 

And  Nell,  of  late,  distinctly  cool. 
Why,  dash  it  all,  I  may  as  well  be 

frank, 

And  Lave  a  Bubble  (burst)   upon  a 
Blank. 


The  New  Suttee. 

In  reply  to  a  request  that  he  might 
have  his  hat  returned  to  him,  Master 
HARRY  JATAWABDANA  h  is  received  the 
following  answer  in  the  columns  of 
The  Ceylon  Independent : — 

"Dear  Sir, — Mudalizar  Harry  Jiyawardana 
has  evidently  forgotten  that  n«  handed  me 
Ms  hat  at  tie  cremation  of  the  late  Jli^li 
Priest.  I  am  sorry  I  failed  tj  inform  1  im 
before,  that,  carried  away  by  the  sentiment  of 
the  moment,  I  flung  it  to  the  burning  pyre, 
hoping  for  future  merit.  May  thi  merit  b.'  his, 
as  he  vrai  the  owner  of  the  hat ! " 


476 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  21,  1911. 


hundreds  of  thousands  of  earthenware 
tea-pots  the  bulge  continued,  and  the 
wildest  rumours  were  current  of 
depleted  stocks.  An  illustrated  cir- 
cular which  was  sent  out  by  one  of  the 
leading  firms,  showing  the  Coronation 
child  in  tears,  and  adorned  with  the 
legend  "There's  no  Mug  left  for  me," 
added  fuel  to  the  flames,  and  the 
climax  was  reached  when  the  Parish 
Councils,  which  had  so  far  held  aloof, 
began  to  come  in  •with  sheaves  of 


THE    MUG    MARKET. 

(Quotations  throughout  are  on  the 
basis  of  "  Middling  "  Mugs.  That  is  to 
s;iy  they  apply  to  the  ordinary  straight- 
forward Coronation  Mug,  with  portraits 
of  the  King  and  Queen  and  the  date, 
aud  either  the  Eoyal  Arms  or  the  Union 
Jack.  Mugs  with  both  the  Eoyal  Arms 
and  the  Union  Jack  or  lavishly  deco- 
rated with  gold  command  a  premium 
of  some  20  to  30  per  cent.) 

March  31st,  1911.— During 
the  past  month  the  market 
has  been  somewhat  narrow 
aud  restricted,  though  a  few 
parcels  for  future  delivery  have 
changed  hands.  In  face  of  the 
enormous  stocks  accumulating 
buyers  have  shown  little 
anxiety  to  enter  the  market, 
and  trading  on  the  Spot  has 
been  purely  nominal. 

April  30th,  1911.  — The 
market  during  April  remained 
dull  and  listless  with  prices 
favouring  buyers  until  the 
decision  of  one  of  the  Midland 
County  Councils,  on  the  22nd, 
to  place  their  order — for 
30,000  —  in  Germany.  On 
this  intelligence  a  serious 
slump  took  place  and,  by  the 
afternoon  of  the  23rd,  Middling 
Mugs  were  quoted  as  low  as 
3^d.  Profit-taking  on  the  part 
of  some  of  the  larger  Bears 
however  had  a  steadying 
effect,  and  the  recovery  was 
still  further  assisted  by  the 
news  from  the  Midlands  which 
reached  the  Floor  about  noon 
on  the  following  day.  An 
indignation  meeting  of  rate- 
payers, it  will  be  remembered, 
had  brought  such  pressure  to 
bear  that  the  Council  had 
rescinded  their  former  decision 
and  placed  the  order  in  Great 
Britain.  A  buoyant  and  active 
market  continued  for  several 
days.  May  mugs  at  one  time 
•were  even  quoted  at  a  slight 
premium  over  June,  and  the 

end  of  the  month  found  prices  in  the ',  minor  orders.  At  last  prices  broke 
neighbourhood  of  5\d.  Stocks  are  suddenly,  on  the  29th,  when  The  Dai ly 
however  still  accumulating.  \-*f-:t — i_i:.i.-j  _  » n  .  . 

May  30th,  1911.— The  market  in  the 
past  month  has  been  subject  to  the 
most  violent  fluctuations,  and  the  job- 
bers have  reaped  a  veritable  harvest. 
The  great  fire  in  the  Potteries  on  the 
13th  resulted  in  a  sudden  and  frenzied 
advance  and,  under  the  influence  of 
buying  orders,  which  poured  in  from 
all  parts  of  the  country,  prices  rose  by 
leaps  and  bounds.  Even  when  the 

news  was  received  that  nothing  had  [  supply.  The  market  slumped  and  closed 
l>oen  destroyed  by  the  fire  except  some '  quiet  but  feverish  at  much  reduced  rates. 


QUOTATIONS   FOB   MIDDLING  MUGS. 

Noon :   May  30th. 
May  Delivery  .     .  4jd. 
June  Delivery  .     .  4d.  to4|d. 
July  Delivery  .     .  |d.  to  |d. 
(Nominal.) 

June  15th,  1911.— The  market  has 
been  in  a  deplorable  state  for  the  past 
fortnight,  and  the  slump  has  continued 
daily.  With  all  the  larger  corporations 
already  supplied  the  demand  has  fallen 

away,  and  the  trading  in  Mugs 

]  has  been  entirely  of  the  hand- 
to-mouth  variety.  Many  of 
the  Parish  Councils  are  still 
holding  off — especially  those 
in  Scotland — with  a  view  to 
lower  prices.  It  is  hoped 
that  their  orders,  along  with 
those  of  private  buyers,  may 
save  the  situation  at  the  last 
moment. 

June  21st,  1911.— The  Mug 
Market  closed.— The  Mug 
Market  closed  its  operations 
last  night  amidst  unparalleled 
scenes  of  depression  when  the 
Parish  Council  of  Crashie 
Howe,  in  Dumfriesshire,  filled 
an  order  for  311  at  the  un- 
precedented price  of  Ifd. 

It  is  understood  that  the 
whole  of  the  remaining  stocks 
have  been  acquired  at  scrap 
rates  by  a  Yorkshire  firm  which 
has  invented  an  ingenious 
process  for  removing  the 
picture  and  design. 


Jfrs.  EiuJcct.  "PKEPS  YOU  WOULDN'T  MIND  TELLIN"  ME 

'UD   BIS  ABAHT  THE  BEST  PLACE  TO  SEE  THB  COP.INAIION  1 " 

Policeman.  "WELL,    I   SHOULD   SAT   SOMEWHERE   issws 
ABBEY  WOULDN'T  BE  AEF  A  BAD  PLACE." 


THE 


"Madame  Patti  .  .   .  sang  with 

all  her  old  pathos  and  charm  '  Home, 

;  Sweet  Home.'  Sir  Herbert  Beerbohm 

I  Tree,  in  moving  a  vote  of  thanks  to 

the  artists,  echoed  the  sentiments  of 

everyone  present  when  he  said  that 

he   would    have    liked    '  the    sweet 

t  tones  of  that  dear  remaikable  lady' 

I  to  be  the  last  heard  in  the  hall  that 

afternoon. "  Newcastle  Daily  Journal. 

Our  contemporary  is  need- 
lessly quick  to  second  Sir 
HERBERT'S  modest  reference 
to  his  own  voice. 


"Although  twice  knocked  down,  ilr.  Haley, 
local    referee,     gave    the    bantam-weight 


Mail  published  a  full  report  from  its  ^^4^    f^jSSTSS 
Own    Correspondent,  who    had    made   against  William  Allen,  England.     The  decision 


an  extended  tour  through  the  factories, 
warehouses  and  emporia  of  Great 
Britain,  and  estimated  the  number 
of  Mugs  still  in  stock  at  seven  and  a 
half  million.  This  news  was  sufficient 
to  defeat  the  rumour  which  had  been 
industriously  circulated  that  the  Bull 


was  received  with  hisses." — Jteuler. 
Question  :    Who  knocked  Lira  down  ? 
Our  money  is  on  ALLEN. 


The  Tomato  Harvest. 
"Tomatoes  have  profited  by  the  weather,  and 
it  is  said  that  this  year's  harvest  will  be  the  last 


Clique  had  been  quietly  acquiring  May  ( for  many  years." — Newcastle  Daily  Journal. 

options  with  a  view  to  cornering  the  This  may  be  the  local  gossip  among  the 

tomatoes,  but  they  will  find  next  year 
that  they  have  deceived  themselves. 


JUKI  iii,  I'.Ml.j 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVAKf. 


477 


^— ^  (i 


BROTHERLY    LOVE. 


Man  (to  bur'y  acquaintance,  who  for  no  apparent  reason  hat  given  a  man  a  blow  like  a  kick  from  a  liorse).  "'A\'E  YOU  COT 

MiMKHNK  AGIN   THAT  BLOKE?" 

Jiurly  Acquaintance  (surprised).  "'lut   WOT,  AQIS  OLS  BILL  I    NOT  LIKELY." 

S.  M.    "WOT  YOU   'IT  '1M   FOB,   THEX?" 

£.  A.  (more  surprised).  "I  OITB  'm  A  PAT  'cos  I  LIKES  'in,  o"  COURSE.     'E's  A  PAL  o' 
S.  Jf.  (alarmed).  "LuuMEl    D'YOU  THINK  YOU 'KB  LIKELY  TO  GIT  FOND  o'  lat" 


MR.  PUNCH'S  LITEEARY 

ADVERTISEMENTS. 

AT  THE  TELEPHONE. 

(After  a  too  ubiquitous  model.) 

Hi;  That  you,  sweetheart  ? 

She.  Yes,  darling  ;  what  is  it? 

He.  Oh  !  I  want  you  to  do  something 
for  me  this  morning  when  you  go  out 
shopping. 

Mr.  Hopping?  I'm  not  going 
hopping.  Why  should  I?  Besides 
it 's  only  June — they  're  not  ripe  yet. 

He  (shouting).  Not  hopping — shop- 
ping. 

Sh?.  Oh!  shopping?  Why  didn't 
you  say  so  ? 

He.  I  did. 

She.  Well,  what  is  it  you  want  ? 

He.  I  want  a  bottle  of  Kurit. 

She.  You  want  to  throttle  a  curate. 

He  (shouting).  No,  a  bottle  of  Kurit. 

She.  I  can't  hear.    A  bottle  of  what? 


He.  Kurit,  K-U-B-I-T.  The  famous 
and  much  advertised,  but  by  no  means 
beyond  its  deserts,  preparation  for  the 
scalp. 

She.  Oh  I  you  want  something  to 
make  your  hair  grow  ? 

He.  No,  no,  no,  I  don't  want  some- 
thing to  make  my  hair  grow.  I  want 
one  thing  to  make  my  hair  grow. 

She.  All  right,  I  '11  get  you  one  thing. 
You  didn't  think  I  was  going  to  get 
a  dozen,  did  you? 

He.  But  you  must  get  the  one  thing 
I  want. 

She  (rather  irritably).  Well,  what  is 
this  wonderful  one  thing  ? 

He.  Kurit,  sweatheart.  There  are 
many  preparations  for  the  hair  on  the 
market,  as  no  doubt  you  have  observed, 
but  there  is  no  preparation  at  once 
so  sanitary  and  efficacious  as  Kurit, 
which,  prepared  from  a  number  of  safe 
but  powerful  medicaments,  not  only 


stimulates  the  roots  to  promote  growth 
but  imparts  to  the  resultant  hair  a 
glossy  appearance.  That  is  why  I 
don't  want  anything  but  Kurit. 

She.  All  right,  darling,  I  '11  get  you 
a  bottle  of  Kurit.  Good-bye. 

He.  Stop  a  minute,  don't   ring  off. 

She.  What  is  it  ? 

He.  There  are  two  sizes  of  Kurit — 
one  at  eighteenpence  and  one  at  half- 
a-crown.  Buy  the  half-crown  bottle, 
for  it  is  much  more  economical. 

She.  All  right.     Good-bye,  darling. 
[They  ring  off. 


More  Commercial  Candour. 
1.  From  an  outfitter's  catalogu3  at 
Cape  Town : — 

"  Make  certain  of  getting  the  best  of  every- 
thing by  sending  to 's. 

"  Wo  advise  you  to  buy  the  best,  for  even 
then  it  is  u  »t  too  goad." 


478 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  21,   1911. 


TEN  AND  EIGHT. 

THE  only  event  of  importance  last 
week  was  my  victory  over  Henry  by 
ten  and  eight.  If  you  don't  want  to 
hear  about  that,  then  I  shall  ha,ve  to 
tell  you  a  few  facts  concerning  the 
coming  ceremony  of  the  Coronation. 
You  'd  rather  have  the  other  ?  I 
thought  so. 

The  difference  between  Henry  and 
me  is  that  he  is  what  I  should  call  a 
good  golfer,  and  I  am  what  everybody 
else  calls  a  bad  golfer.  In  consequence 
of  this  he  insults  me  with  offers  of 
bisques. 

"  I  '11  have  ten  this  time,"  I  said,  as 
we  walked  to  the  tee. 

"Better  have  twelve.  I  beat  you 
with  eleven  yesterday." 

"Thank  you,"  I  said  haughtily,  "I 
will  have  ten."  It  is  true  that  he  beat 
me  last  time,  but  then  owing  to  bad 
management  on  my  part  I  had  nine 
bisques  left  at  the  moment  of  defeat 
simply  eating  their  heads  off. 

Henry  teed  up  and  drove  a  "  Pink 
Spot  "  out  of  sight.  Henry  swears  by 
the  "  Pink  Spot  "  if  there  is  anything 
of  a  wind.  I  use  either  a  "  Quo  Vadis," 
which  is  splendid  for  going  out  of 
bounds,  or  an  "  Ostrich,"  which  has  a 
wonderful  way  of  burying  itself  in  the 
sand.  I  followed  him  to  the  green  at 
my  leisure. 

"Five,"  said  Henry. 

"  Seven,"  said  I ;  "  and  if  I  take  three 
bisques  it 's  my  hole." 

"  You  must  only  take  one  at  a  time," 
protested  Henry. 

"  Why  ?  There  's  nothing  in  Wisden 
or  Baedeker  about  it.  Besides,  I  will 
only  take  one  at  a  time  if  it  makes  it 
easier  for  you.  I  take  one,  and  that 
brings  me  down  to  six,  and  then 
another  one  and  that  brings  me  down 
to  five,  and  then  another  one  and  that 
brings  me  down  to  four.  There  !  And 
as  you  did  the  hole  in  five,  I  win." 

"  Well,  of  course,  if  you  like  to  waste 
them  all  at  the  start " 

"  I  'm  not  wasting  them,  I  'm  creating 
a  moral  effect.  Behold,  I  have  won 
the  first  hole ;  let  us  be  photographed 
together." 

Henry  went  to  the  next  tee  slightly 
ruffled  and  topped  his  ball  into  the 
road.  I  had  kept  mine  well  this  side 
of  it  and  won  in  four  to  five. 

"  I  shan't  take  any  bisques  here,"  I 
said.  "  Two  up," 

At  the  third  tee  my  "  Quo  Vadis  " 

'  darted  off  suddenly  to  the  left  and  tried 

!  to  climb  the  hill.      I  headed  it  off  and 

gave  it  a  nasty  dent  from  behind  when 

it  wasn't  looking,  and  with  my  next  shot 

started  it  rolling  down  the  mountains 

with    ever-increasing    velocity.      Not 

until  it  was  within  a  foot  of  the  pin 


did  it  condescend  to  stop.  Henry,  who 
had  reached  the  green  witli  his  drive 
and  had  taken  one  putt  too  many,  halved 
the  hole  in  four.  I  took  a  bisque  and 
was  three  up. 

The  fourth  hole  was  prettily  played 
by  both  of  us,  and  with  two  bisques  I 
had  it  absolutely  stiff.  Unnerved  by 
this  Henry  went  all  out  at  the  fifth 
and  tried  to  carry  the  stream  in  two. 
Unfortunately  (I  mean  unfortunately 
for  him)  the  stream  was  six  inches  too 
broad  in  the  particular  place  at  which 
he  tried  to  carry  it.  My  own  view  is 
that  he  should  either  have  chosen 
another  place  or  else  have  got  a 
narrower  stream  from  somewhere.  As 
it  was  I  won  in  an  uneventful  six,  and 
took  with  a  bisque  the  short  hole 
which  followed. 

"  Six  up,"  I  pointed  out  to  Henry, 
"  and  three  bisques  left.  They  're  jolly 
little  tilings,  bisques,  but  you  want  to 
use  them  quickly.  Bisque  dat  qui  cito 
dat.  Doesn't  the  sea  look  ripping 
to-day  ?  " 

"  Go  on,"  growled  Henry. 

"  I  once  did  a  two  at  this  hole,"  I 
said  as  I  teed  my  ball.  "  If  I  did  a 
two  now  and  took  a  bisque,  you  'd  have 
to  do  it  in  nothing  in  order  to  win. 
A  solemn  thought." 

At  this  hole  you  have  to  drive  over 
a  chasm  in  the  cliffs.  My  ball  made  a 
bee  line  for  the  beach,  bounced  on  a 
rock,  and  disappeared  into  a  cave. 
Henry's  "  Pink  Spot,"  which  really 
seemed  to  have  a  chance  of  winning  a 
hole  at  last,  found  the  wind  too  much 
for  it  and  followed  me  below. 

"  I  'm  in  this  cave,"  I  said  when  we 
had  found  Henry's  ball;  and  with  a 
lighted  match  in  one  hand  and  a  nib- 
lick in  the  other  I  went  in  and  tried  to 
persuade  the  "  Ostrich  "  to  come  out. 
My  eighth  argument  was  too  much  for 
it,  and  we  re-appeared  in  the  daylight 
together. 

"  How  many  ?  "  I  asked  Henry. 

"  Six,"  he  said,  as  he  hit  the  top  of 
the  cliff  once  more,  and  shot  back  on 
to  the  beach. 

I  left  him  and  chivied  my  ball  round 
to  where  the  cliffs  are  lowest ;  then  I 
got  it  gradually  on  to  a  little  mound  of 
sand  (very  delicate  work  this),  took  a 
terrific  swing  and  fairly  heaved  it  on 
to  the  grass.  Two  more  strokes  put 
me  on  to  the  green  in  twenty.  I  lit  a 
pipe  and  waited  for  Henry  to  finish  his 
game  of  rackets. 

"  1 '  ve  played  t  wen  ty-five, "  h  e  shouted . 

"Then  you''ll  want  some  of  my 
bisques,"  I  said.  "I  can  lend  you 
three  till  Monday." 

Henry  had  one  more  rally  and  then 
picked  his  ball  up.  I  had  won  seven 
noles  and  I  had  three  bisques  with 
which  to  win  the  match.  I  was  a 


little  doubtful  if  I  could  do  this,  but 
Henry  settled  the  question  by  mis- 
judging yet  again  the  breadth  of  the 
stream.  What  is  experience  if  it 
teaches  us  nothing  ?  Henry  must 
really  try  to  enlarge  his  mind  about 
rivers. 

"Dormy  nine,"  I  said  at  the  tenth 
tee,  "  and  no  bisques  left/' 

"  Thank  Heaven  for  that,"  sighed 
Henry. 

"  But  I  have  only  to  halve  one  hole 
out  of  nine,"  I  pointed  out.  "  Techni- 
cally I  am  on  what  is  known  as  velvet." 

"  Oh,  shut  up  and  drive." 

I  am  a  bad  golfer,  but  even  bad 
golfers  do  holes  in  bogey  now  and 
then.  In  the  ordinary  way  I  was 
pretty  certain  to  halve  one  of  the 
nine  holes  with  Henry,  and  so  win  the 
match.  Both  the  eleventh  and  the 
seventeenth,  for  instance,  are  favourites 
of  mine.  Had  I  halved  one  of  those, 
he  would  have  admitted  cheerfully  that 
I  had  played  good  golf  and  beaten  him 
fairly.  But  as  things  happened — 

What  happened,  put  quite  briefly, 
was  this.  Bogey  for  the  tenth  is  four. 
I  hooked  my  drive  off  the  tee  and  down 
a  little  gully  to  the  left,  put  a  good 
iron  shot  into  a  bunker  on  the  right, 
and  then  ran  down  a  hundred-yard 
putt  with  a  niblick  for  a  three.  One 
of  those  difficult  down-hill  putts. 

"Luck!"  said  Henry,  as  soon  as  he 
could  speak. 

"I  thought  I'd  missed  it,"  I  said. 

"Your  match,"  said  Henry  ;  "I  can't 
play  against  luck  like  that." 

It  was  true  that  he  had  given  me  ten 
bisques,  but,  on  the  other  hand,  I  could 
have  given  him  a  dozen  at  the  seventh 
and  still  have  beaten  him. 

However,  I  was  too  magnanimous 
to  point  that  out.  All  I  said  was,  "Ten 
and  eight." 

And  then  I  added  thoughtfully,  "I 
don't  think  I've  ever  won  by  more  than 
that."  A.  A.  M. 


"  By-the-way,  we  have  of  recent  days  ncg'eeted 
to  inform  our  readers  of  the  fact  that  Dr.  W.  G. 
Price  still  continues,  each  Thursday  evening,  at 
the  hour  of  8  p.m.,  to  comiel  from  the  famous 
grand  organ  attached  to  the  northern  end  of  our 
vast  Town  Hall  volumes  of  richest  polyphony 
and  no  end  of  exquisite  melody,  accompanied  by 
either  hand,  in  rhythmiest,traditionakst  Italian 
method.  The  latter  pleases  the  hoi  polloi ;  the 
former  Baconians  ;  the  cognoscenti  few.  In 
simpler  phraseology,  the  learned  doctor,  a  worthy 
successor  to  the  famed  Lemaire,  opener  of  s.u  1 
organ  a  few  brief  years  ago,  delights  and 
demands  encores  from  audiences  that  should 
be  four  times  as  large  at  least  once  a  week,  and 
do  not  forget  that  that  once  is  Thursday." 
Adelaide  Kcgistcr. 

Unless  The  Daily  Telegraph  can  think 
of  something  really  good  in  Coronation 
week,  it  looks  as  though  Australia  will 
retain  the  ashes. 


JUNE  21,  1'Jll.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


479 


Lady  (to  bacfalor  host).  "So  DELIGHTFUL  OF  you  TO  THINK  OF  wxixo  us  AX  A  SMALL  SOHO  RESTAURANT— so  BOHEMIAN,  DON'T 
TOD  KNOW." 

Waiter  (in  laud  whisper).  "THE  LADY'S  HAD  TWO  BUTTERS  ALREADY,  SIR;   is  SHE  TO  HAVE  ANY  MOI-.E?" 


A  LONDON  LYEE. 

(Little  topographies   compiled  for   the 
benefit  of  our  trans-Atlantic  visitors.) 

THE  TEMPLE. 

FAR  away,  in  dear  old  Sutter 
County,  where  the  learn'd  in  law 

Swings  the  well-timed  surrebutter 
To  his  fellow-pleader's  jaw, 

There  your  Pa  (before  the  Kailways 
Found  him  lucrative  employ) 

Frowned  in  anger  on  the  frail  ways 
Of  the  local  strong-arm  boy, 

Or  in  accents  of  abandon 
Wrung  the  jurymen  to  tears 

When  they  found  his  client's  brand  on 
Someone  else's  private  steers. 

Now  his  travelled  footstep  tarries 
Through  the  courts  and  ancient  ways 

Trod  by  legal  luminaries 
Practising  in  olden  days. 

Here  in  cloister,  close  and  alley 
Toiled  the  great  ones  of  the  race, 

With  whose  works  your  Pa  will  dally 
When  preparing  for  a  case. 

BLACKSTONE,  BEN  IAMIN,  Lord  STOWELL, 
VESEY  Junior,  BBOD.  and  BINQ., 


Mighty  names  that  lawyers  know  well- 
This  is  where  they  had  their  fling. 

Here  they  raised  a  legal  system 

In  all  ages  unsurpassed — 
Laws  that,  howsoe'er  you  twist  'em, 

Lay  you  by  the  heels  at  last. 

Here  they  dined,  a  grave  proceeding, 
Drank  their  toast  in  heavy  port, 

Gossiped  on  the  Art  of  Pleading 
And  the  latest  thing  in  Tort. 

Here  amid  the  dust  of  ages 
Their  successors  toil  to-day, 

Ten  per  cent,  of  whom  (one  gauges) 
Are  in  toucb  with  actual  pay  ; 

While  the  briefless,  howso  clever, 
Waits  in  patience  for  the  pelf ; 

Etiquette  says  he  must  never 
Go  and  hunt  a  job  himself. 

Not  so  Pa ;  he  was  a  hustler, 
Had  an  office  near  the  jail, 

Where  he  kept  the  live-stock  rustler 
Separated  from  his  kale. 

And  when  trains  were  wrecked  or 
traction 

Cars  collided  he  would  make 
Haste  toward  the  scene  of  action 

In  the  ambulance's  wake. 


He  was  up  to  all  the  dodges, 
Led  the  march  at  County  balls, 

Joined  a  dozen  different  lodges, 
Christened  babies,  carried  palls. 

Now  he 's  numbered  with  the  giants, 
Bigs  the  smart  combine  and  busts 

Judgments  calling  for  compliance 
From  the  predatory  Trusts. 

Here,  a  law-confounded  race's 

Evil  genius,  he  learns 
How  they  tried  the  earliest  cases 

For  the  earliest  cash  returns ; 

Notes  how  dignity  is  blended 
With  a  lively  thirst  for  fees, 

And,  his  purview  much  extended, 
Heads  towards  the '  'Cheshire  Cheese." 
ALGOL. 

"  A  few  days  ago  we  published  a  letter  from 
Mr.  0.  Pollard  complaining  about  late  trains 
on  the  South  Indian  Railway.  We  now  learn 
that  the  late  running  is  due  owing  to  heavy 
engineering  work  on  the  line,  and  that  the 
authorities  are  preparing  a  new  time-table 
which,  it  is  hoped,  will  in  some  way  mitigate 
the  inconvenience." — Madras  Mail. 

The  same  trick  has  been  tried  here, 
but  the  trains  are  still  late.  Some 
day  the  trains  will  be  adjusted  to  the 
time-table  as  a  change. 


480 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  21,  1911. 


SELF-DEFENCE    IN    THE    STREETS. 

A   KOOT-l'ASSIXGEB,    WHO   HAS   HAD  THE   MISFORTUNE  TO  SPRAIN   HIS   ANKLE,    KEEPING   OFF  A   DETEBMNED   EL'SU   0V   FlRST-AlDERS 
TILL  THE  AR1UVAL  OF  THE  POLICE. 


HOW  TO  KEEP  COOL. 

[A  private  and  more  effective  recipe  than 
those  constantly  au-geotcd  by  the  halfpenny 
Press.] 

WHEN  I  weary  of  infinite  lays 
(Like  a  hen)  as  the  weather  grows 

hotter, 
When  Pegasus  languidly  neighs, 

And  the  Muse  is  a  rotter,  . 
And  I  envy  the  ducks  in  the  park  and 
the  seals  at  the  Zoo  and  the  otter  ; 

When  the  dust  eddies  up  from  the 

path 
Which  the  wheel  of  the  motor  car 

threshes, 
And  no  place  allures  but  the  bath, 

And  no  drink  refreshes, 
And  drives  are  all  topped  from  the  tee 
and  all  services  faint  in  the  meshes ; 

Shall  I  l.'st  to  the  voice  of  the  Press  ? 

Shall  I  purchase  their  hints  for  a 

copper 
On  how  I  should  cut  down  my  dress 

(Which  would  hardly  be  proper), 


And  only  eat  turnips  and  wear  a  huge 
cabbage  leaf  under  my  topper? 

Ah  no !  for  the  power  of  the  mind 
Is  lord  of  the  frailties  of  matter, 
And  food  is  so  pleasant,  I  find, 
And  I  don't  think  my  hatter 
Would  let  me  fit  greens  in  his  tile,  and 
I   can't   leave  off  clothes  like  a 
satyr. 

My  thoughts  I  relentlessly  switch 
To  souls  who  are  fated  to  follow 

Some  calling  contrasted  with  which, 

When  he  worships  Apollo, 
The  weaver  of  honey-sweet  songs  is  as 
cool  as  a  cow  in  a  wallow. 

I  think  of  the  people  who  toil 

For  gold  in  the  grasp  of  the  City, 

Of  stokers  and  engine-room  oil, 

Of  bakers  all  gritty 

With  germ  of  the  standardized  flour.and 
of  chaps  on  some  futile  Committee. 

I  think  of  the  hind  hoeing  roots, 
Of  pedlars  their  articles  hawking, 


Of  g  illants  in  very  tight  boots 

(Blessed  dream  !)  who  are  walking 
On  shadowless  plains  with  their  loves 
and  expected  to  do  all  tho  talking. 

I  think  of  the  men  on  the  Mail, 
I  think  of  my  butcher  and  grocer, 

And  when  all  these  solacss  fail 
Am  I  comfortless  ?     No,  Sir  ! 
I  think,  and  revive  at  the  thought,  of 
one  placa  where  it's   fifty  times 
closer.  EVOE. 

"Gideon  reeled  and  blinked.  Richmond  was 
on  him  like  lightning.  Twice  in  swift  sued  ssion 
came  the  dull,  rather  thickening  thud  of  flesh 
hammered." — "Daily  Record  "  feuilletun. 

"Thick  or  clear  thud?  "  said  RICHMOND. 
"  Clear,"  said  GIDEON.   "  Twice." 


"'It  has  been  splendid,  Mr.  Darragh,'  s!ie 
said.  'Such  a  surj  rise,  e3|>ecially  to  we  le- 
nighted  villagers.'  Just  a  tinge  of  bitterness 
was  in  these  last  words." — Daily  Chronicle. 

The  grammar,  too,  is  of  a  rather  acrid 
quality. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CnARIVARI.^IuNB  21,  1911. 


THE    HERITAGE. 


JUNE  21,  I'.Hl.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


483 


ESSENCE     OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(E.XTI'.ACTKI)  FROM  THE  DlARY  or  ToJIY,   M.P. ) 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  June 
13th. — Back  after  Whitsun  Hecess — 
at  least,  some  of  us.  The  children  of 
light,  including  PIIINCE  AHTHUH,  still 
linger  in  holiday  byways.  Colleagues 
on  Front  Bench  dutifully  follow  their 
example;  prevalent  elsewheie,  above 
and  below  Gangway  on  both  sides. 
PREMIER  in  his  seat,  bronzed  by  fresh 
air  of  Imperial  Conference-room.  Also 
CHANCELLOR  OF  EXCHEQUER,  realh 
amused  at  the  way  folk  tulk  about 
magnitude  and  intricacies  of  Insurance 
Bill.  SPEAKER  still  completing  his 
cure.  DEPUTY-SPEAKER  in  chair,  ar- 
rayed in  sweet  simplicity  of  dinner- 
dress. 

As  usual,  a  more  than  half- empty 
House  is  the  Minister's  opportunity. 
Getting  into  Committee  after  brief  spell 
of  Questions,  it  takes  Ordnance  Vote 
in  hand.  Usually  a  stiff  job.  Clossly 
touches  wages  question,  and  workmen 
have  votes.  Now  the  time  and  oppor- 
tunity of  testifying  to  local  Member's 
personal  interest  in  the  wage-sheet. 
Not  wholly  neglected  to-day.  MARK 
LOCKWOOD,  amongst  whose  con- 
stituents are  wage-earners  in  Govern- 
ment factories  at  Waltham  Abbey  and 
Enfield,  insists  on  minimum  pay  of 
thirty  shillings  a  week.  A  mere  trifle, 
not  comparable  with  the  £400  a  year 
some  honourable  Members  mean  to 
vote  for  themselves. 

"  Why,"  exclaimed  the  Colonel,  in- 
stincts of  Chairman  of  Kitchen  Com- 
mittee asserting  themselves,  "  thirty 
shillings  for  a  week's  work  is  less  than 
one-half  some  of  us  pay  for  a  bottle  of 
wine  at  dinner." 

This  sounds  pretty  high.  Don't  find 
in  wine  list  in  dining-room  any  priced 
at  £36  a  dozen.  Must  be  a  private 
cuvee  of  Chairman  of  Committes. 
Members  move  uneasily  in  their  seats. 
If  it  gets  abroad  that  with  their 
shilling  dinner  they  sip  a  £3  bottle  of 
wine  it  will  make  things  awkward  in 
their  constituencies.  Can't  talk  any 
more  of  necessity  of  reducing  range 
of  subscriptions  to  local  charities,  or  of 
knocking  off  from  their  establishment 
an  odd  groom  or  gardener's  boy,  all  on 
account  of  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  extortion. 

MARK  quickly  saw  he  had  made 
mistake.  Dropping  his  costly  bottle 
of  wine  as  if  it  were  corked,  dwelt  on 
peril  hourly  environing  workers  in  the 
danger-houses  of  the  factories. 

This  brought  up  ACLAND  with  in- 
genious speech.  Sir  EDWARD  WATKIN, 
whilst  yet  with  us,  used  to  say  that 
the  safest  place  in  the  world  was  a 
seat  in  the  middle  of  a  railway  train 
travelling  at  the  rate  of  forty  miles  an 


AN  EXPERT  WITNESS  OF  THE  NAVAL  REVIEW. 

Mr.  McKcnna  (to  Admiral  Count  Togo).— "Delighte.1  to  fee  you  ba?k  in  England,  Admiral, 
and  very  proud  to  show  you  a  Fleet  which  even  you  will  1)2  able  to  commend.  ' 


hour.  FINANCIAL  SECRETARY  TO  WAR 
OFFICE,  varying  illustration  to  suit  time 
and  circumstances,  insisted  that  if  a 
man  really  wants  immunity  from 
accident  he  should  do  a  day's  work  in 
the  danger-buildings  of  a  gun  factory. 
Cited  figures  to  show  that,  according  to 
the  percentage  of  accidents  per  man  at 
Woolwich,  one  could  not  expect  to 
enjoy  more  than  one  disaster  in  the 
course  of  five  hundred  years. 

As  few  of  us  attain  that  age.this  seemed 
complete  answer  to  MARK  LOCKWOOD'S 
:ase.     But  the  Colonel  was  out  for  the 
jvening.     Determined  to  enjoy  its  full 
privileges  he  took  a  division,  his  amend- 
ment  for  reduction   of    Supply  being 
negatived- by- 139  votes  against  61.    So 
surprised  was  House  to  find  there  were 
;\vo  hundred  Members  within  hail  that 


I  it  forthwith  adjourned,  it  being  ten 
.  minutes  to  six  and  a  tine  evening. 

Business  done.  —  Ordnance  Vote 
carried  through  Committee  passed  the 
Report  stage  without  controversy. 

Wednesday.  —  Announcement  that 
Government  intend  to  carry  Plural 
Voting  Bill  before  prorogation  has, 
after  the  manner  of  CORIOLANUS, 
fluttered  your  Volscians  in  Corioli. 
Known  of  course  that  subject  would 
be  dealt  with  during  life  of  present 
Parliament.  But  nothing  hitherto  said 
about  precise  date.  Assumed  that  the 
business  would  figure  in  programme  of 
next  session. 

Certainly  was  not  mentioned  in 
KING'S  Speech  last  February,  nor  has 
it  even  been  distantly  alluded  to  in 
statements  from  Treasury  Bench.  A 


PUNCH,    Oil    TIIH    LONDON    CHAU1VA  III. 


[JUNE  21,  1911. 


wee!:   or   two   ago   MASTER    EMBANK'      Third    Spectator.    Yes;    bitt    TOM'S 

(nico  hoy  for  his  years),  in  conference  strong  too. 

with  Party  agents  from  the  pi  evinces, :      First  Spectator.  Of  course 'o  is. 


io  s 

But  it 's  knack  all  tho  same, 
tho    ball,    that  's    what    it    is. 
You  wait  till  old  RAZOR  comes  in.  and 


alluded  to  it  amongst  other  topics,  and   'Onns. 

repeated    general    assurance    that"  it   Timing 

was  a  project  dear  to  heart  of  PRIME 

MiNisTKit  and  his  colleagues.     Did  not  j  I  "11   provo   it.     No  one  could  call  'im 

even  hint  that  it  would  he  added  to  strong,  n:t  RAZOR,  but  I  once  saw  'im 

already  overwhelming  work  of  current '  make  4  fours  off  one  over.      It 's   all 


knack  and  timing. 


First  Spectator.  No  use  shouting,  you 
can't  'ustlc  'A  YWARD.  If  you  want  to  see 
sonis  quick  work  between  tho  wickets 
wait  till  'ITCH  and  DUCAT  are  in. 

Third  Spectator.  Oh,  yes,  JACK  '!TCH 
— 'e  can  run.  There,  old  TOM  's  got  'is 
50 — give  'im  a  good  cheer.  Good  old 
TOM! 

Chorus.  Good  old  'AYWARD  ! 

Chorus  again.  Good  old  'AYWARD. 

First  Spectator.  Whew  !  There  's  o'd 


session. 

"  And,"  as  BANBURY  says  with  tears       Second   Spectator.    No,    old   RAZOR 

in  his  honest  eyes,  "to  come  just  now 'doesn't  look  strong;  but  can't  'e  bowl  !   TOM   run   out.     I    know 
when  things  were  going  on  so  nicely!"  |  Some  of   tho  other  counties  wouldn't  j  sooner  or  later.     Well, 

Truce  sounded  over  Insurance  Bill,  like  to  'avo  'im,  I  don't  think.  j  jolly  gool  innings. 

Leaders  of  Oppcsitirn,  wise 
in  time,  not  going  to  repeat 
blunder  of  their  attitude  on 


e 

e    s 


would    be 
played 


Old  Age  Pensions,  leaving 
full  credit  of  vote -catching 
measure  to  the  enemy. 
PRINCE  ARTHUR,  grasping 
hand  stretched  across  table 
by  dexterous  CHANCELLOR  OF 
EXCHEQUER,  has  agreed  to 
work  in  common,  with  sole 
purpose  of  making  best  pos- 
sible Act  out  of  the  Bill. 

This  pledge,  given  it  leaks 
out  that  an  unscrupulous 
Government  all  along  meant 
to  utilize  time  thus  saved  for 
passing  of  measuie  peculiarly 
hurtful  to  Conservative  in- 
terest at  parliamentary 
elections. 

"  Not  if  we  know  it,"  says 
FREDERICK  BANBURY,  dash- 
ing away  the  furtive  tear  and 
firmly  fronting  the  insidious 
enemy. 

Business  done.  —  Vote  on 
Account  agreed  to. 


AT   THE   HOVAL. 
['AYWARD  AND  'OBBS  ABE  IN.] 
First  Spectator.   Good  Old 


Second  Spectator.  Yes. 
No  bowling  could  'ave  got 
'im  out.  Oo  's  next  ? 

Third  Spectator.  Why, 
'AYES,  of  course.  Good  old 
En:  i:-:. 

Foil  th  Spectator.  I  'opo 
ERNIE  makes  runs  to-day. 
'E  's  had  bad  luck  so  far. 

First  Spectator.     Prettiest 

i  b.it   in    Eng  and,  ERNIE    i-;, 

j  when   'e  's    set.       I    'eard  a 

!  bloke    say   ones  that   'AYES 

plays  more  like  an  amateur 

!  than  a  pro.,  and  blowei  if  'e 

j  isn't  ri"ht.     You  watc'.i  'ow 

easy  'e  is. 

Sxond  Spectator.    Steady 
there,     ERNIE!    You  so 3  'ow 
that    one    got   'im  ? 


always  in  such  a  nurry 


nearly 
'E's 

to  SCOl'3. 

First  Spectator.  Well, 
I  'm  opsn  to  bet  a  level 
tanner  ERNIE  makes  tifty  to- 
day. 'E  looks  like  it.  Sea 
how  easy  'o  is. 

Fourth  Spectator.  What 
they  want  is  a  fast  bowler 
like  JACK  'iTCii,  and  then 
they  'd  get  ERNIE  caught  in 

'Heady"  Exh.b.'tor  at  R.A.  "AND— AH— DO  YOU  LIKE  OUR  LITTLE    the  sups. 


TOM.     Doesn't  'urry  'imself, 
does  'e. 

Second  Spectator.  Not'arf. 
Why  should  'e  ?     But  they 
can't  get  'im  out.    Not  bowling,  they 
can't. 

Third  Spectator.  Bit  rough  on  old 
JACK,  though,  'is  not  running  faster. 

Second  Spectator.  Oh,  jACic'sallright. 
JACK  's  only  a  young  un  yet.  'E  '11  be 
walking  between  the  wijkets  when  'e's 
as  old  as  'AYWARD.  'AYWARD  's  earned 
the  right  to  do  it,  that 's  what  I  mean. 


SHOW  A3   WELL  AS  THE  SALOS   IX   PA  Ills,    MADEMOISELLE?" 


Visitor.  "On,  MUCH,  nucu  BETTAIUE." 

Exhibitor.  "REALLY?   1  'it  DELIGHTED.   AND  WHY,  PARTICULARLY?" 

Visitor.   "TuEUE  is  so  MUCH  LESS  PIC-CHAIRES  !  " 


Fourth  Spectator. 
good  old  TOM  ! 
Second   Spectator. 


Of  course  'e  'as, 
My,  that  was  a 


good   shot.      'OBBS  can  'it,  can't 
Don't  look  so  strong  either. 

First  Spectator.  It 's  not  strength  as 
makes  'ard  'itting ;  it 's  knack  ;  coming 
on  the  ball  at  the  right  moment.  Look 
'ow  easy  old  Toil  does  it. 


Third  Spectator.  I  reckon, after  '!RST, 
RAZOR  's  the  most  dangerous  bowler  in 
England. 


[And  so  on  for  hours.] 


Fourth  Spectator.  Oh,  '!HST!    'E's  a 


believe. 


From  the  advertisement  of  the  Hotel 
marvel,  isn't  'e.     Older  than  TOM,  I  j  des  Postes,  Houffalize  :— 

"  Pleasantly  situated  on  the  Ourthe'a  britna, 
Ilonff-ilize   tasked   his    situation   exceptionally 


Third  Spectator.  Bun  up,  TOM.   Easy 
three  there. 


"SCOUTS— At  85,  lullarton  Street,   Irvine, 
i  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  Scauta,  of  Natai,  Marzburg, 
Africa,  twins." — 2'he  Irvine  lltrald. 

Boys,  we  hope. 


First  Spectator.  Not  'im 
'e's  too  careful.  ERNIE  won't 
get  caught  in  the  slips. 
DUCAT  might,  or  BIRD  ;  but 
not  ERNIE. 


First  Spectator.  I  don't  think  so. 

TI        .jo  TIT   11  I  hygienic  to  the  charm  of  the  walks  pictures,  mes 

fourth  Spectator.  Well,  perhaps  not ;  •  an3  the  good  administration  of  the  PJ»f« 
but  not  fur  off.  I  wonder  why  'AYWARD  Hotel.  .  .  .  Baths  to  the  board,  Baths  of 
gave  up  bowling?  |  river.  Peach." 

Second  Spectator.  WTell  'it,  'OBBS  ! :  The  last  line,  it  might  be  explained,  is  a 
Did  you  seo  that?  All  with  'is  wrist,  translation  of  "Bains  a  I'Hotel,  Bains 
There 's  only  one  other  man  who  could  de  riviere,  Peche." 
'it  it  like  that,  and  that 's  'UTCHINGS. 

First  Spectator.  Go  it,  'OBBS  1     Well 
'it  aga:n.     That  was  a  c'inker. 


21,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAIMVART. 


485 


Young  Blood.  "Er.— WHAT  SOCKS  SHALL  I  WEAR  TO-DAY,  BEAMISH?" 

Valet.  "I  SHOULD    VESTURE  TO   SUGGEST   THE  ARCTIC  BLVSS,   SIR.    IT'S  so   NECESSARY,   IF    I    MAY  SAY  so,  TO  KEEP  IBJ 

LITKEM1TIES   COOL,    SlR." 


AN   APPEAL. 

THE  day  draws  nigh— that  royal  day,  for  which 
London  assumes  her  bravest,  poor  and  rich 
Hoping  that  all  may  pass  without  a  hitch. 

Now  are  the  mid-street  islands  cleared  away, 
Whereto,  from  roaring  'bus  or  sounding  dray, 
The  frighted  traverser  would  leap,  and  pray. 

Now  the  front  windows  on  the  route  (or  rowte) 
Are  duly  blocked  to  persons  looking  out 
By  bare  erections  which  before  them  sprout, 

Wherecn  the  carpenter  suspends  his  din 
To  view,  each  day  with  livelier  chagrin, 
Luxurious  luncheons  going  on  within. 

Now,  too,  in  ever-growing  hordes  appear 

Si  range  faces  and  strange  garb  from  far  and  near, 

btiange  tongues  fall  strangely  on  the  startled  ear. 

On  every  space  the  mounting  seats  rise  high ; 
Tull  masts  of  Venice  lure  the  upward  eye, 
And  cause  collisions  twixt  the  passers-by. 

So  London,  heartened  by  a  record  Spring, 
Arranges  to  acclaim  her  crowned  KINO, 
And  to  enjoy  herself  like  anything. 


And  on  the  day — that  "  day,  which  is  not  long  "— 

0  Sun,  when  London's  multi-coloured  throng 
Turns  out  regardless,  going  very  strong, 

1  trust  that  thou  wilt  manfully  decline 

All  monkey-tricks,  and  condescend  to  shine, 
And,  generally,  make  the  weather  fine. 

Be  it  not  thine,  as  often  it  has  been, 
With  ill-timed  levity  to  mar  the  scene ; 
Let  all  be  decent,  ordered,  and  serene. 

With  thy  warm  gaze,  O  blithe  and  jolly  ball, 

Illume  this  loyal  land ;  let  no  rain  fall, 

Ifor  that,  indeed,  would  be  the  deuce  and  all. 

So  shalt  thou  well  requite  the  public's  trust. 

And  yet — if  anywhere — if  rain  it  must, 

Be  it  in  London,  where  'twould  lay  the  dust. 

For  there  are  some  who,  leaving  house  or  flat, 
Propose  to  fly  the  gladsome  scene ;  and  that, 
I  may  say,  is  the  point  I  'm  driving  at. 

Because,  whate'er  the  London  weather  be, 
If  it  should  rain  where  I  am,  by  the  sea, 
It  would  be  simply  tragical  for  me. 

DuM-DuM. 


436 


ruNCJf, 


THE   LONDON   CIIA1UVA1U. 


[JUNE    21,    1911. 


LYRA    INEPTIARUM. 

(Dedicated  to  ths  compiler  of  t'ta 

'•  Gmit  Tlwui/hts"   of  Ella 

]\";i"der  Wilcox.} 

Ai/rnnsM. 

Ur  through  tlio  soil,  serenely  singing 
Excelsior  I  with  all  its  might, 

EachBrussol-sprout  its  mate  is  bringing 
(One  little  sprout  were  a  lonely  sight !). 

ASPIRATION. 
Our  souls  come  from  far,  far  away, 

From  planet  to  planet  they  flit, 
But  I  'd  like  while  I  stay  in  this  casket 

of  clay 
Some  luminous  thoughts  to  emit. 

CULPABLE  OMISSIONS. 

i. 

Gresn  peas,  s;nt  up  without  potatoes, 
Are  like  a  babe  with  only  eight  toes  ; 
And  lamb,  reft  of  the  inagic  of  mint- 
sauce, 

Recalls     a    Christmas    minta    Santa 
Claus. 

n. 

Hamlet,  without  the  Royal  Prince, 
Makes  the  fastidious  critic  wince. 
An  omelette,  made  without  an  egg, 
Is  like  a  tent  without  a  peg. 

HEARTS. 

Each  human  being  has  a  heart 
And  is  not  meant  to  dwell  apart ; 
But  him  as  friend  I  chiefly  prize 
Whose  heart  is  of  the  largest  size. 

HOME  TKUTHS. 

Over  and  over  and  over 

The33  truths  will  1  say  and  sing, 
That  a  wandering  life  befits  a  rover, 
That  a  ball  when  pulled  should  ring  ; 
That  it 's  better  to  dine 
At  eight  than  at  nine, 
That  a  pong  is  a  part  of  a  ping, 
That  the  morning  precedes  the  after- 
noon, . 
That  the  sun   gives  forth  more   heal 

than  the  moon, 
That  a  tliraoa  is  the  seat  of  a  king. 

LIFE'S  IRONY. 

By  chance  and  not  by  patient  toil 
Men  build  up  their  Bonanzas, 

But  I  spend  butts  of  midnight  oil 
Upon  my  simple  stanzas. 

LOVE  AND  HATE. 
Would  you  make  a  little  Eden 

Of  the  pew  you  occupy, 
Then  resolve  to  view  your  neighbour 

With  no  malice  in  your  eye. 
If  your  enemy  's  down-hearted, 

Pat  him  kindly  on  the  tele, 
And  with  coals  of  sudden  kindness 

You  will  pulverise  his  hate. 

MAGNANIMITY. 

The  man  who,  when  his  deadliest  foa 
Is  lying  prostrate  in  the  gutter, 


Viil  bravely  go 
And  offer  him  his  last,  his  only  pat 

of  butter — 

fc  is  the  primest  specimen,  I  ween, 
\nd  makes  the  very  Cherubim  seem 

moan  ! 

NKW  AND  OLD. 

Slew  thoughts  are  lika  new  boots,  they 

gall  and  hurt  you ; 
Old  thoughts  braco  up  the  soul  and 

right  the  wrong; 
It  is  the  modern  poet's  greatest  virtue 
To  clothe  soul-shaking  platitudes  in 
song. 

OPTIMISM  THE  BEST  POLICY. 
The  man  who  makes  a  molehill  of  a 

mountain 
Has    earned    a    bath   in    the   Pierian 

fountain. 
The  man  who  makes  a  mountain  of  a 

mole-hill, 
At  golf  will  always  play   ths   cracia' 

hole  ill. 

OUTSIDE  v.  INSIDE. 

Do  not  measure  by  externals, 

Handsome  is  that  handsome  does  ; 

Nuts  are  tested  by  their  kernels, 
Bees  are  better  than  their  buzz. 

SIMPLICITY. 

However  full  this  crowded  world, 
There 's  always  room  for  a  simple 

bard. 

It  had  need  of  me,  or  I  would  not  be, 
I  am  here  to  make  things  less  hard, 
And   to  extricate   poor  souls  from 

drowning 
In  the  abysses  of  ROBERT  BROWNING. 

SMILE'S  SELF-HELP. 

Smile  a  little,  smile  a  little 

As  you  go  along ; 
Even  though  your  kine  be  kittle 
And  your  bones  are  growing  brittle, 

Smiling  makes  them  strong. 

Not  alone  when  things  are  booming, 
But  when  grief's  incessant  glooming 

Ties  you  up  in  kinks, 
Smile — 'tis  better  than  consuming 

Alcoholic  drinks. 

SODA-WATER. 

With  my  exhilarating  bubbles 
I  wash  away  a  world  of  troubles. 
I  set  the  sodden  toper  free 
From  all  the  horrors  of  D.T. ; 
And  all  are  better  for  knowing  me. 

UPS  AND  DOWNS. 

Just  aiwa  shoe  must  have  two 

Kinds  of  leathers, 
Its  unders  and  its  uppers  ; 
So  life  has  ups  and  downs 

Of  varied  weathers — 
Its  MILTONS  and  its  TUPPERS. 


FROM    A    MEDIEVAL 
"MORNING  POST." 

A    KNK;HT,    now    leaving    for    the 

st,  desires  to  let  his  noble  Castel- 
ated  Residence  for  Crusade  or  longer. 
V ill- accept  nominal  rent  from  careful 
enant.  The  premises  include  Superb 
Moat  and  Portcullis,  thus  ensuring 
•rivacy.  Magnificent  dining-hfl.ll  with 
mplo  supply  of  straw.  Inventory 
ncludes  luichantocl  Forest,  Feud  with 
ocal  Gentry,  and  usual  appurkn- 
inces  of  ideal  Country  Homo.  Ex- 
perienced Buffoon  left  it  desired. 

SMART  ACTIVE  PAGE,  well  up  in 
Ladder  work  and  Correspond- 
ence (clandestine),  seeks  engagement. 
Country  preferred. 

CAPABLE   SQUIRE  AND  HANDY  MAN- 

-ARMS  is  at  liberty.  .Two  years' 
Jood  Reference;  thoroughly  under- 
stands cleaning  Armour,  and  can  load 
Arquebus  or  help  with  Molten  Lend. 
Jan  make  himself  useful  in  Malmsey 
ellar  if  required. 

TROUBADOUR  desires  Change.  Un- 
•ivalled  Repertoire,  including  latest 
ballades  and  Chansons.  Can  improvise 
f  required.  Juvenile  parties  and 
Jousts  attended  at  shortest  notice. 

COMPETENT   CUT-THROAT   now    dis- 

ngaged    (through     no    fault     of    his 

own)      seeks     genteel      Employment. 

Accustomed  to  Knife-work  and  Poisons. 

Debts  collected  and  troublesome  Callers 

arefully   attended   to.      Willing    and 

obliging. 

GENTLEWOMAN  in  reduced  circum- 
stances seeks  employment.  Salary  not 
so  much  an  object  as  comfortable 
home  and  congenial  surroundings. 
Can  undertake  emergency  packing  for 
Elopements,  and  renovate  Arras.  Able 
Lo  write  (long  hand).  Willing  to  act 
as  chaperon  at  Tourneys  and  Hawk- 
ing Parties. 
• 
What  to  Do  with  Our  Nephews. 

"  Hiss ,  Eton  College,  would  be  pleased 

to  recommend  her  First-rate  Cook  ;  two  years 
eight  months.  Also  her  nephew  as  Kitchen 
or  Scullery  Man." — Advt.  in  "Morning  Post." 


Two  extracts  from  The  Cumberland 
Evening  News  : — 

"Good  Gentleman:  'I  wish  beer  was  at  the 
bottom  of  the  sea.'  Navvy:  'Well,  mister 
can't  say  I  does,  but  my  brother  wouldn't  mind. 
Good  Gentleman  :  '  Ah  !  Is  the  noble  fellow 
a  staunch  teetotaler  ? '  Navvy :  '  No,  he 's  a 
diver.'" — page  2. 

"How  many  times  his  the  tale  been  tol( 
this  election  of  the  stern  teetotal  lecturer  whi 
shouted  out,  '  I  wish  all  the  alcohol  were  at  th 
bottom  of  the  sea.'  '  So  do  I,  guv'nor  ! '  criei 
a  man  at  the  back.  '  Ah,  my  friend,  then  you 
too,  are  with  us.  You  are  a  temperance  man  t 
'  No,  I  aren't ;  I  'in  a  diver.' " — page  3. 

Twice,  anyhow. 


JUNE  21,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAIIIYAKF. 


487 


Critic.  "NonR'.sn  HIM  WID  THE  WHIP,  PATSY,  THE  WAY  YE'D  LET  us  SEE  WHAT  BOUT  OF  A  BA.STE  YE'VE  GOT." 

Fatscy.    "HOULD  YOUB  WHISHT,    MAN  !      SUKE,  AMs'l  1  T11KYINO  TO  KEEP  HIM  INSIDE  OF  THE  SPEED  L1MUT  PASSING  THE  rOUSj' 


THE    SIDING. 

I  LIE  awake  at  night  and  bitterly  ask 
myself  what  I  had  to  complain  of  in 
the  dear  old  days  that  are  gone.  Could 
I  but  live  them  over  again,  enjoy  hut 
one  of  thos3  peaceful  nights  of  long 
ago,  I  should  he  content. 

"  There,"  I  should  now  say,  smiling 
blissfully  as  the  shrill  whistle  awoke 
me,  "goes  the  3.40."  I  should  wish 
myself  adieu,  as  I  buried  my  head  in 
the  pillow  again.  "Till  4.401"  I 
should  say,  sighing  happily. 

But  as  it  is — 

They  have  lately  constructed  a  siding 
under  my  window. 

I  asked  Sisyphus  the  meaning  of  it. 
I  always  ask  bisyphus.  He  has,  poor 
fellow,  made  a  hobby  of  Explaining, 
and  when  I  tell  you  that  each  morning 
I  leave  him  rolling  milk  churns  from 
the  wall  to  the  edge  of  the  platform, 
ai.d  each  evening  I  find  him  rolling 
milk,  churns  from  the  edge  of  th? 
platform  to  the  wall,  you  will  see  why 
I  have  not  the  heart  to  understand 
without  his  help. 

"  Can  you  explain  to  me,  Sisyphus," 
I  said  when  I  saw  the  direction  in 
which  the  partly-constructed  line  war 
pointing,  "  why  the  Company  has 
decided,  without  consulting  my  wishes, 


to    run    a    branch    line    through   my 
kitchen?" 

"  It's  orlright,"  he  assured  me,  "  it's 
a  siding." 

It  sounded  innocent  enough,  and  for 
the  time  being  I  didn't  give  it  another 
thought. 

A  week  or  two  later  Sisyphus 
proudly  called  ray  attention  to  its 
completion. 

I  waxed  enthusiastic  and  waned 
sentimental.  I  compared  it  in  my 
innocence  to  a  backwater.  I  regarded 
it  as  a  convalescent  home  where  tired 
engines  would  recuperate,  or  as  a  haven 
of  rest  where  veteians  with  one  foot  in 
the  scrap-heap  would  spend  their  last 
days  reviewing  their  strenuous  lives 
and  boasting  to  each  other  of  the 
speed  they  made  or  the  points  they 
jumped  in  their  wild  youth. 

I  was  in  error !  By  two  o'clock  that 
very  night  I  was  disillusioned.  1 1 
don't  know  on  whom  I  can  throw  the  [ 
blame  of  it  all.  I  only  know  that  some 
impersonal,  unassailable  "  they"  began 
at  1  A.M.  to  train  yourg  locomotives 
under  my  very  window.  Hour  after 
hour  I  lay  awake  and  listened.  The 
moment  I  closed  my  eyes  some  par- 
ticularly inexperienced  engine,  confused 
probably  by  the  harsh  shouts  of  the 
coach,  would  be  guilty  of  a  crude  and 


amateurish  mistake  which  invariably 
caused  its  row  of  trucks  to  nudge  each 
other  and  guffaw  with  amusement. 

The  shriek  of  the  3.40,  which  had 
previously  been  my  chief  dread,  I 
scarcely  noticed.  Ihe  rumble  of  the 
4.40  seemed  only  a  soothing  message 
from  an  old  friend  whom,  I  blamed 
myself,  I  had  never  properly  appreci- 
ated. It  seemed  to  me  that  I  had 
wronged  the  5.40,  who,  I  now  realised, 
had  only  in  all  kindness  tried  to  per- 
suade me  to  enjoy  the  beauties  of  the 
dawn.  And  the  rattle  of  the  6.40  was 
less  like  a  noise  than  any  rattle  I  have 
ever  heard. 

At  7  o'clock  I  got  up  and  looked  out 
of  the  window. 

On    that    new   siding   upon   which 

had  bjcn  optimistic  enough  to 
suppose  I  should  witness  nothing  but 
the  admirable  repose  of  age,  an  engine 
was  playing  "  Touch "  with  a  truck 
that  was  old  enough  to  have  known 
better,  and  Sisyphus — yes,  Sisyphus, 
was  playing  "  Hide  and  Seek  "  with 
the  truck. 


"  Morning,"  said  Sisyphus  as  I  came 
on  to  the  platform. 

"  I  know,"  I  answered  peevishly. 
"  That  'a  why  I  got  up." 


188 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


21,  1911. 


THE    INEVITABLE   WARDE. 

THE  position  is  this  :  Warde  loves 
George,  but  George  cannot  stand  the 
sight  of  Warde.  Unfortunately  the 
relations  between  their  respective] 
fathers  (iu  Yorkshire)  is  such  that 
George  (in  London)  cannot  say  so. 
For  threa  years  he  put  up  with  the 
droppings-iu  of  Warde  and  endured  the 
long-drawn  agony  of  his  automobile 
conversations  (there  is  nothing  that 
George  detests  so  much  as  the  inwards 
of  a  machine)  till  at  last  he  came  and 
sought  my  protection.  We  thereupon 
determined  to  share  a  flat,  and  it  says 
much  for  my  ingenuity  and  the  offen- 
siveness  of  my  demeanour  that  Warde 
has  only  got  at  George  three  times 
during  the  year  and  then  has  never 
stayed  more  than  half  an  hour.  Once 
he  got  in  during  my  absence,  and 
George,  perspiring,  gave  himself  up  for 
lost,  but  William,  our  friend  and  con- 
fidant (who  has  the  makings  of  a  real 
brute  in  him),  intervened,  and  Warde, 
departing  in  haste,  is  reported  to  have 
said  that,  much  as  he  admires  and 
loves  George,  he  could  wish  that  he 
had  made  friends  more  worthy  of 
himself. 

So  far,  so  good.  George,  immune 
from  the  worry  of  sparking  plugs  that 
will  not  spark  and  forty-horse-powers 
that  are  really  fifty,  grew  fat  and  con- 
tented. Paternal  relations  in  the 
country  remained  in  accord,  and 
William  and  I  bore  all  the  blame  in 
London  with  light  hearts  and  even  some 
pride.  Then  George,  getting  careless, 
caught  appendicitis,  was  borne  off  to  a 
nursing  home,  suffered  a  little,  soon 
began  to  convalesce  and  invited  all 
his  real  friends  to  come  and  watch  him 
doing  it.  Of  these  things  Warde  got 
wind,  and  accosted  William  for  further 
details.  Scarcely  had  William  come 
to  me  and  warned  me  of  the  danger 
ahead,  when  I  was  rung  up  on  our 
telephone. 

"  Can  you  tell  me,"  said  a  voice  that 
might  have  been  anybody's,  "  the  ad- 
dress of  the  home  where  George  is 
being  ill?" 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  incautiously.  "  To 
whom  am  I  speaking  ?  " 

"  Warde,"  came  the  answer,  and  I 
thought  rapidly,  but  not  too  clearly, 

how  to  get  rid  of  my "  Yes." 

"Erm Yes.       Yes Erm. 

You  know,  poor  old  George  is  very  ill." 
"  I  do,  and  I  also  know  that  he  is 
seeing  people.  He  will  be  disappointed 
if  I  don't  go.  Can  you  give  me  the 
address?" 

"Well,  not  exactly.  You  see,  I 
always  go  there  in  a  cab." 

"  What  do  you  say  to  the  cabman  ?  " 
persisted  the  voice. 


"  Quite  so.  What  do  I  say  to  the 
cabman?  What,  indeed?  Something 
like  this.  '  Cabman,  the  person  who 
accompanies  me  will  pay  the  piper 
and  must  call  the  tune.  Drive  wher- 
ever he  tells  you.'  " 

Well,    where    do    you    send     the 
letters  ?  "     This  on  a  querulous  note. 

George  never   has   any  letters,"  I 
said,  briefly. 

"  Nonsense.  I  wrote  to  him  myself 
yesterday." 

"Ah!  That  letter — the  only  one 
George  has  ever  had.  I — we  took  it 
round  in  a  cab,  and  George  got  so 
excited  over  it  that  a  relapse  is  feared. 
What  he  wants,  in  my  opinion,"  I 
added,  confidentially,  "is  absolute 
quiet." 

"  My  father  tells  me —  "  began  the 
voice,  and,  in  the  light  of  all  that  the 
voice's  father  had  told  it,  it  seemed 
useless  to  pursue  that  line.  So  the 
cross-examination  continued,  helped  by 
the  fact  that  William  had  already  been 
in  the  box  and  made  some  damaging 
admissions. 

"Percy  Street?"  said  I.  "Well,  I 
never  rightly  knew,  but  now  you 
mention  that  name  I  confess  that  it 
had  just  that  look.  Number  7, 17,  77 
or  was  it  SA  ?  You  know  I  can  see  it 
all  in  my  mind's  eye,  but  I  can't  just 
describe  it." 

"  Oddly  enough,  that  is  exactly  what 
your  friend  William  said.  Is  it  on 
the  right  or  the  left  ?  "  Warde  is 
immovable. 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  will  think 
of  me,"  said  I,  "  but  I  never  can 
remember  which  is  right  and  which  is 
left.  To  find  out,  I  have  to  look  at 
my  finger  nails  to  see  which  are  the 
better  cut.  Now  of  course  my  rigLii 
hand  is  my  better  hand,  but  it  doesn'l 
cut  its  own  nails,  so,  when  I  have 
looked,  I  get  so  confused  Leu  ween  the 
better  hand  and  the  better  cut  hanc 
that  I  have  to  get  some  scissors  ou( 
and  try  for  myself  then  and  there 
Unfortunately,  when  I  go  to  see  George 
I  never  have  a  pair  of  scissors  in  my 
pocket." 

"  Can't  anybody  tell  me  where  the 
place  is?"  said  the  voice,  positively 
angry. 

"  Of  course.  Let  me  see.  Have  you 
tried  his  doctor?" 

"  No.     Where  does  he  live  ?  " 

"Ah!  That  I  can  tell  you,"  said  I 
"  Next  door  to  George." 

-::-  *-  *  * 

Not  to  be  beaten,  the  persisten 
fellow  wrote  to  George,  and  George 
answered  : — "  My  very  dear  Warde, — 
Your  kindness  is  most  touching  anc 
appreciated."  (There  were  two  pages 
of  that.)  "  I  am  most  disappointed  to 


lave  to  confess  that  even  I  don't  know 
he  address  of  this  house.  I  arrived 
lere  in  a  weak  and  unobservant  state 
f  mind  and,  though  I  determined  even 
ihen  to  send  for  you  as  soon  as 
sossible,  I  forgot  to  look  at  the 
lumber.  Of  course  I  might  ask,  but 
t  seems  so  rude  to  my  hostess  to 
appear  not  to  know  the  number  of  the 
louse  I  am  staying  in.  She  is,  I  fear, 
aeculiarly  sensitive."  This  was  fol- 
owed  by  four  repetitions  of  the  original 
statement  and  a  most  affectionate 
onclusion. 

Good  for  George !  Unhappily,  being 
unmanned  by  his  illness  or  carried 
away  by  his  enthusiasm,  he  wrote  on 
notepaper  fully  stamped  with  the  num- 
oer  and  all.  From  that  Warde  inferred 
that  George's  need  was  greater  even 
than  he  had  been  told,  and  the  worst 
happened  at  once.  It  seems  likely  to 
on  happening,  unless  the  doctor  can 
be  induced  to  say  that  appendicitis  has 
suddenly  been  discovered  to  ba  in- 
fectious. Failing  that,  George  must 
suffer  till  he  is  loose  again,  and  the 
last  straw,  he  tells  me,  is  that  Warde 
refers  to  the  human  anatomy,  and 
particularly  George's  own,  to  illustrate 
and  explain  what  he  means  about 
carburetters. 


PATIENCE  ON   A  WEIB. 

WHEN  the  summer  sun  is  lusty, 
And  the  roads  are  dry  and  dusty, 
And  the  crimson  may 's  turned  rusty 

On  the  stems, 

From  a  weir  a  maiden  fishes, 
As  can  anyone  who  wishes, 
Since  beneath  the  boards  there  swishes 

Father  Thames ! 

You  may  watch  the  cane  wand  winnow 
As  it  drops  her  dace  or  minnow 
(Which  their  deft  and  expert  spin  owe 

To  a  wrist 

Tough  as  steel,  but  trim  and  tiny, 
And  as  round  as  that  of  Phryne), 
Where  the  stream  spreads  silver-shiny, 

Sunbeam-kissed ! 

With  a  heart  that  does  not  vary 
See,  she  waits,  a  water-fairy 
Come  ashore  in  cool  and  airy 

Linen  drill, 

While  a  kingfisher,  down  dashing 
Where  the  schools  of  fry  are  splashing, 
Spots  a  rival,  and  goes  flashing 

With  his  kill! 

• 

Still  at  eve  when  swifts  are  plying 
And  the  wasteful  sunset 's  dying 
You  may  see  her  light  lure  flying 

Up  and  out ; 

Oh,  may  I  be  near  to  net  him 
(If  the  gods  grant  that  she  get  him), 
Should  some  Triton  (Thamis,  let  him  I) 

Send  a  trout  1 


JUNK  21,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAKIVAEL 


CORONATION    ROOF    SEATS. 

ALL    TUB    EXCITEMENT    OF     A    SWISS     MOUNTAIN     CLIMB.        PRICE      INCLUDES     GUIDES,      ROPES.     ALPENSTOCKS     AND     AN 
POLICV. 


OUR   BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

THE  gods  were  very  good  to  Gaspard  Cadillac,  the 
Provencal,  once  stoker  on  the  Rhone,  but  now  man-led  and 
living  (in  prodigious  luxury,  I  should  imagine)  at  Grande 
Anse.  When  he  killed  his  companion  Yves  on  the  island 
where  they  were  shipwrecked  together,  I  remembered  what 
a  deal  of  annoyance  the  Ancient  Mariner  had  to  undergo 
about  a  mere  waterfowl,  and  feared  the  worst  for  Gaspard, 
especially  when  he  fell  into  the  clutches  of  that  disre- 
putable trader,  Sagesse,  who  rescued  him  from  his  first 
experience  as  a  Crusoe.  But  the  hero  of  The  Ship  of 
Coral  (HUTCHINSON)  had  a  knack  of  falling  upon  his  feet, 
and,  though  he  was  left  upon  the  same  island  (marooned 
this  time)  a  few  weeks  after,  there  was  a  handy  American 
vessel  in  the  offing  to  take  him  back  to  St.  Pierre,  his 
pockets  stuffed  full  of  the  hard-earned  life-savings  of  a 
defunct  buccaneer,  and  with  the  prospect  of  hearing  the 
loud  bassoon  played  at  his  own  wedding  feast.  Mr. 
H.  DE  VERB  STAUPOOLE  has  written  a  novel  of  the  right 
sort,  full  of  strange  happenings  on  the  high  seas,  with 
excitement  maintained  to  the  very  end,  and  a  pretty  love- 
chapter  thrown  in.  If  I  have  a  fault  to  find  with  it, 
it  is  that  the  author's  riotously  luxuriant  scene-painting 
(excellent  though  it  is)  is  apt  to  divert  attantion  from 
the  movement  of  his  drama,  for  one  cannot  imagine  that 
Monsieur  Cadillac  revelled  in  the  magnificence  of  tropical 
effects  with  the  same  cultured  appreciation  as  Mr.  STAC- 
rooi.E.  But  The  Ship  of  Coral  is  most  certainly  a  book 
to  he  read,  and,  if  you  feel  that  Gaspard  drew  an  almost 
unfair  overdraught  on  the  bank  of  good  fortune,  who,  after 
all,  is  better  fitted  ,to  do  so  than  a  French  sailor,  and  a 
Provencal  at  that? 


I  have  long  regarded  the  stories  of  Mr.  JACK  LONDON  as 
a  welcome  relief  from  the  dulness  of  most  contemporary, 
fiction,  and  his  latest,  Burning  Daylight  (HEINEMANN)  did 
nothing  to  disappoint  me  in  this  respect.  It  has  two  very 
excellent  points,  both  of  which  should  make  for  popularity. 
First,  it  treats  of  one  of  those  super-beings  whose  triumphs 
and  exploits  we  all,  deep  down  in  our  hero-worshipping 
hearts,  love  to  contemplate ;  secondly,  the  period  of  the 
tale  is  one  of  which  the  memory  is  still  fresh  enough  to  give 
the  reader  a  personal  interest  in  it.  This  is  the  time  of  the 
Klondyke  gold  discoveries,  and  the  first — and  to  my  thinking 
decidedly  the  best — half  of  Burning  Daylight's  story  con- 
cerns his  hardships  and  adventures  in  the  frozen  Yukon 
country.  No  one  who  recalls  the  author's  previous  work 
will  need  to  be  told  with  what  wonderful  skill  the 
atmosphere  of  this  grim  and  unfriendly  land  is  conveyed. 
There  is  one  chapter,  especially,  which  tells  how,  for  a  bet, 
Daylight  raced  two  thousand  miles  over  an  unbroken  trail  of 
ice  and  snow  in  sixty  days,  that  seems  to  me  absolutely  the 
best  piece  of  descriptive  writing  of  its  kind  that  ever  1  read. 
Later,  when,  with  a  fortune  of  eleven  millions,  Daylight 
comes  East  to  try  his  luck  among  the  comparatively 
civilized  populations  of  San  Francisco  and  New  York,  the 
tale  becomes  more  ordinary,  and  by  so  much  less  absorbing. 
But  the  effect  upon  the  hero  of  this  new  life  is  excellently 
told.  I  shall  not  spoil  the  end  for  you  with  hints  of  its 
nature ;  whether  you  find  it  wholly  convincing  or  not  (I 
didn't)  the  book  remains  one  that  is  quite  worth  anybody's 
while  to  read  for  himself.  Yes,  Sirs !  Every  time ! 

If  Miss  CYNTHIA  STOCKLEY  was  determined  to  take  for 
protagonist  a  perfect  being  of  her  own  sex,  whose  ability 
was  as  great  as  her  virtue  and  her  beauty  infinitely  more 
amazing  than  either,  she  should  never  have  allowed  this 


490 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAEIVARI. 


[JUNE  21,  1911. 


paragon  to  tell  her  story  in  the  first  person.  Ladies  will 
detest  Dcirdrc  Saurin  intensely  and  with  reason,  and  even 
a  man,  ma-,;nitdy  conscious  of  his  o\vn  dements,  is  bound 


for  their  portraits.  Then  \ve  also  have  a  very  proper  hero 
"  with  the  strength  of  a  young  lion  "  and  "  the  sinews-  of  a 
Samson,"  who  moved  enormous  boulders  so  that  he  could 


to  dislike  from  the  first  a  woman  who  tells  him  a  dozen  |  save  the  life  of  the  enchanting  heroine.     Had  Ivor  lived 
times  in  the  first  twenty  pages  that  she  is  charming  in  j  this    prosaic    age     he     would    have    got    his    'blue' 
every  way;  nor  will  he  get  to  love  her  better  when,  with   Cambridge    for    throwing   the   hammer   and   putting 
cumulative  egotism,  she  sets  out  in  detail  her  triumphant 
progress  through  all  the  minor  feminine  virtues  to  a  climax 


of  ineffable  self-sacrifice  and  positive  saintliness.  And  yet, 
granted  the  one  touch  of  humour  in  the  authoress  or  the 
heroine  which  would  have  prevented  this  mistake  or 
have  averted  its  disastrous  effect,  The  Claw  (HUEST  AND 
BLACKETT)  would  have  been  more  than  readable,  with  its 
impressive  background  of  Africa  and  its  faithful  presenta- 
tion of  English  people  out  of  England  but  with  all  their 
English  limitations.  The  men  are  heroic,  the  womrn 
properly  feminine,  and  the  rivalry  for  the  love  of  Anthony 
Kinsdla  is  cleverly  done.  One  could  have  followed  with 
pleasure  the  passionate  history  of  the  heroine  herself,  if 


only   her  blatant  self-satisfaction 
or  to  some  extent  kept 
in  hand. 


had    been    suppressed 


in- 
at 
tho 

weight;  indeed  I  can  almost  imagine  that  he  \vouhf have 
caused  anxiety  to  the  scholars  of  Mr.  RHODES  at  the  Inter- 


I.— AN 


IN  Crooked  Answers 
there  are,  let  me  tell 
you,  no  cross  questions. 
The  people  who  write 
and  answer  the  series 
of  letters  which  make 
up  the  book  are  all 
good-tempered  and 
pleasant,  except  Lady 
Lydia  Pendle,  who,  I 
feel  sure,  had  a  very 
tight  waist  as  well  as  a 
wasplike  sting  at  the 
tail-end  of  her  sen- 
tences. She  writes 
from  Queen's  Gate, 
chiefly  to  Lady  Sarah 
Over  ton  (a  good  sort), 
who  is  chaperoning 
her  daughter  Aline  at 
the  H6tel  Victoria, 
Menaggio.  Then  there  is  Professor  Lance,  who  writes 
from  Campden  Hill  Square  to  his  daughter  Patricia — 
patre  docto  filia  doctior,  except  when  she  was  too 
clever — at  the  Kulm  Hotel  at  St.  Moritz;  and  Mr.  Peter 
Hope,  the  champion  Cresta  tobogganer,  who  writes  at 
first  from  the  Continental  in  Borne,  and  then  (the 
sly  dog)  from  the  Kulm;  and  lastly  Neville  Waring  of 
the  200th  Foot,  who  writes  from  Menaggio  because 
that  is  where  Aline  happens  to  be.  The  joint  authors, 
PHYLLIS  BOTTOME  and  H.  DE  LISLE  BROCK,  round  some 
difficult  corners  and  do  some  delicate  steering  before  they 
safely  land  the  young  couples  at  the  Church  Leap — St. 
George's,  Hanover  Square,  bien  entendu,  not  the  scarcely 
less  dangerous  one  at  the  beginning  of  the  Cresta.  But 
the  letters  never  seem  to  me  to  be  real.  They  have 
not  the  art  which  marked  a  more  famous  imaginary  corre- 
spondence, which  was  also,  if  I  remember  rightly,  pub- 
lished by  Mr.  JOHN  MURRAY.  Still  they  give  the  lovers 
and  the  reader  a  fairly  good  and  amusing  run  for  their 
money. 

To  Ivor  (MURRAY)  I  give  full  marks  for  its  fine  collection 
of  villainous  scoundrels.  Wreckers,  smugglers,  knavish 
lawyers,  venal  rascals,  an  ignoble  lord  and  a  black  man 
called  Sambo,  have  all  sat  to  Mr.  GEOBGE  HANBBY  RUSSELL 


Varsity  Sports.  But  in  the  century  in  which  he  lived  feats 
of  strength  were  reserved  to  harass  noxious  noblemen  and 
to  relieve  distressed  and  beautiful  damsels.  Such  feats  Ivor 
performed  with  unflagging  energy,  and  though,  considering 
his  intimate  knowledge  of  French,  I  found  him  excessively 
modest  in  his  use  of  that  language,  I  am  not  prepared  in 
any  other  respect  to  accuse  him  of  diffidence. 

Mr.  STANLEY  PORTAL  HYATT  says  pretty  definitely  in 
The  Land  of  Promises  (WERNER  LAURIE)  that  you  must 
go  to  Africa  to  learn  what  happens  there,  and  then  you 
must  search  Capel  Court  for  clues  to  those  happenings — 

"  that  is,  of  course,  if 
you  are  interested  in 
discovering  the  truth." 
Personally  I  am  in- 
terested, but  I  haven't 
had  time  lately  for  the 
journey,  so  I  have 
taken — not  rashly,  I 
thin  k — Mr.  HYATT'S 
book  as  evidence.  1 
can  recommend  it  to 
those  who  are  not 
quite  intrigued  enough 
to  go  independently  on 
trek  in  pursuit  of  the 
truth,  but  are  keen  on 
a  readable  story  with 
vividly  drawn  charac- 
ters. Such  superficial 
readers  as  haven't  much 
use  for  that  can  amuse 
themselves  by  trying 
at  random  to  open  the 
volume  at  a  page  which 


THINGS  WE  HAVE  NEVER  SEEN. 

OPULENT   ARTIST    DISCOVERING    AN    OBSCURE   AND    NEGLECTED    ART    CRITIC. 


doesn't  contain  the  word   "  whilst." 


TO    A    DEBUTANTE. 

You  trip,  O  Youth  incarnate,  down  the  stairs, 
Dear  Miss  Nineteen,  whose  dance-fresh  grace  defies 
Blossom  of  orchards,  April's  very  skies  ; 
So  might  a  nymph  have  slid  to  shepherd  airs 
In  groves  of  cypress  where  the  ringdove  pairs, 
Lightfoot,  elusive,  panting,  woodland-wise, 
With  just  a  half-shy  challenge  in  the  eyes, 
To  fan  pursuit  or  wake  the  love  that  dares. 

Still  I,  your  mid-aged  friend,  do  most  acclaim 
Not  the  curved  lip,  the  sun-steeped  eyes  of  you, 
Nor  two  slim  feet,  the  bard-sung  "little  mice," 
But  that  dear  gift,  the  clean,  untarnished  flame 
That  sends  you,  'twixt  the  midnight  chimes  and  two, 
With  cheery  gusto  into  supper  thrice  1 


asking 


for  the   character   of  a 


Extract  from   a   letter 
Swiss  governess : — 

"Was  she  eatin?  with  you  upon  the  tablet  Is  she  straightforward 
and  of  nice  disposition,  or  do  she  get  easily  impatient  like  sometimes 
the  Bernese  I" 


JUNE  28.  1911.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAKIVAKf. 


491 


It   is   good   to    know    that   British 

CHARIVARIA.  enterprise  is  not  yet  dead.     Only  the 

IT  is  difficult  to  be  original  nowadays,  j  other  day  an  American  astronomer 
but  success  has  crowned  the  efforts  of  announced  that  every  star  was  in- 
the  inhahitants  of  Brancaster,  Norfolk  habited.  Already,  in  the  columns  of  a 

who  decided  to  purchase  a  wheeled  contemporary,  \vr  s  e  the  advertisement 

bier  as  a  permanent  memorial  of  the  of  a  Star  Furnishing  Company. 
Coronation. 


the   corner 
Ilolborn. 


of   Gray's  Inn  Eoad  and 


*  * 

* 


The   Bank   of   England 
smart  in    its   illumination 


looked 
dress  that 


*  * 

The  Government,  it  is   said,  is  de- 
so  termined   to  popularise    Consols,   and 


watches   their    fall   with   considerable 


many  persons  mistook  it  for  the  Young  [  satisfaction,  hoping  that  one  day  the 


advertising  that   a  certain 


Lady    of 
Street. 


Threadneedle 


*  * 

-• 


"Observator,"  writing 
in  The  Observer,  in- 
forms us  that  WILLIAM 
TUB  CONQUEROR  and 
STEPHEN  were  crowned 
respectively  onChristmas 
Day  and  Boxing  Day: 
and  a  very  old  gentleman 
tells  us  that  he  distinctly 
remembers  being  told 
as  a  boy  that  on  both 
those  occasions  there  was 
considerable  discontent 
among  the  populace  at 
being  done  out  of  an 
extra  holiday. 

*  * 

Reading  that  the  Coro- 
nation Fleet  would  weigh 
1,000,696  tons,  a  nervous 
old  lady  hoped  that  the 
sea  had  been  tested  to 
make  sure  it  would  bear 
such  a  weight. 

*  * 

The  other  day  we 
suggested  that  enter- 
prising Sunday  papers 
might  give  away  muffins 
and  crumpets  as  supple- 
ments. While  our  idea 
has  not  yet  been  adopted 
it  is  interesting  to  note 
that  The  Daily  Chronicle 
is  advertising  Ten  Coro- 
nation Drawings  "  in  a 
roll"  for  5s. 

*  * 
* 

There  is  nothing  like  doing   things 

handsomely,  and  we  certainly  spared 
no  pains  or  expense  to  give  our  guests 
a  good  time  during  the  Coronation 
period — as  witness  the  following  head- 
lines in  an  evening  newspaper : — 

"FlRE   IN    THE    ClTY. 

A  Big  Conflagration. 

FOREIGN  VISITORS  INTERESTED." 

*  * 

At  the  same  time  there  is  such  a  thing 

as  overdoing   hospitality,  and  certain 

foreign     criminals     who     came     over 

,specially  for  the  Coronation  complain 

that  they  received  too  much  attention. 

VOL.  CXL. 


IN    BATTEKSEA    PARK. 
KF.MAKKABI.E  CASK  or  INHERITED  IKSTIXCT  DISPLAYED  BY  MASTER  JONES, 

i  SON  OF  THE  WELL-KNOWN   CRICKETER. 


price  will  be  so  small  as  to  place  them 
within  tbe  reach  of  all. 


#  * 

*: 


The  L.C.C.  has  expressed  the  opinion 
that  there  are  too  many  George  Streets 
in  London,  and  wishes  the  number  to 
be  reduced.  The  proposal  does  not 
come  over -graciously  in  Coronation 
Year,  but  we  are  assured  that  no  dis- 
loyalty is  intended.' 
*  * 

:|: 

So  few  persons  have  a  good  word  for 
motor-omnibuses  that  it  is  only  fair  to 
draw  attention  to  the  fact  that  this 
type  of  vehicle  demolished  one  of  our 
London  monuments,  the  other  day,  at 


\>  D 


"The  hearing  of  the  potition  aj- 
Mr.     MASTERMAN,"    we    read,    "  was 
marked   by   a   series  of  jokes  on  the 
part  of  counsel  and  by  weariness  on 
the  part    of    the    judges."      This    is 
reversing  the  usual  order  of  things. 
*  * 

A  firm   of  colour  manufacturers   is 

important 

S'cturo  exhibited  at  tin; 
oyal  Academy  is 
"  painted  entirely  "  with 
their  colours.  Tli3  idea 
may  spread.  Loo!c  out 
shortly  for  the  follow- 
ing announcements : — 
"  Mr.  Absalom's  enor- 
mous picture  of  Antsry 
and  Cleopatra  has  been 
purchased  for  a  public 
gallery.  Why  ?  Because 
it  was  painted  on  one 
of  our  canvases,"  and, 
"Why  are  Mr.  Liffey's 
pictures  always  hung  at 
Burlington  House?  Be- 
cause he  always  uses 
our  frames." 
*  * 

:'c 

A  parsanger  has  been 
awarded  damages  for  en 
electric  shock  he  received 
on  the  District  Railway : 
but  it  does  not  follow 
that  travellers  by  a  cer- 
tain other  line  who  are 
electrified  whenever  their 
train  arrives  punctually 
would  be  equally  success- 
ful. tj 

When  a  Birmingham- 
to- Yarmouth  express 
was  examined  at  Bourne, 
Lincolnshire,  a  black- 
bird's nest,  with  four 
young  birds,  was  found 
underneath  one  of  the 
carriages.  It  is  sup- 
posed that  the  young- 
sters were  sickly,  and  had  been  ordered 
country  air,  but  could  not  raise  the 
money  to  travel  in  the  ordinary  way. 


We  quote  a  forecast  of  the  great 
luncheon  of  the  19th  inst. : — 

"  Invitations  for  a  luncheon  banquet,  to  be 
held  at  Westminster  Hall  to  welcome  the 
members  of  the  Imperial  Dominions  Parlia- 
ments, have  been  s-'nt  out  in  Lord  Koeebery's 
name.  This  gentleman  will,  of  course,  as  is 
customary  at  all  such  political  functions,  lunch 
alone." — Smethieick  Telephone. 

The  splendid  isolation  of  Lord  ROSEBERY 
becomes  more  manifest  every  day. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


i 


ROMEO    TO    JULIET. 

(With  a  personal  explanation.) 

THAT  moment  when  I  saw  your  starry  eyes 
Shining  at  SHAKSPEAKE'S  Costume  Ball, 

Blue  as  the  blue  of  our  Italian  skies, 
You  had  this  liomco's  heart  in  thrall. 

I  said,  "  Of  all  the  maids  in  Juliet's  image 
(I  had  already  counted  thirty-three 

Fighting  for  breath  in  that  historic  scrimmage) 
You  are  the  one  for  me. 

Not  all  were  Juliets  born,  but  some  were  made, 
And  most  were  frankly  past  their  teens ; 

But  you  were  IT — pure  youth  that  asked  no  aid 
Of  artificial  ways  and  means  ; 

In  you  I  found  a  hermitage  (or  haven) ; 
No  other  features,  coloured  on  the  card, 

Not  even  MAHLBOBOUGH  as  the  Swan  of  Avon, 
Diverted  my  regard. 

While  Lady  Capnlet  (your  chaperon) 

Slept  in  her  thirty-guinea  bower, 
We  took  a  balcony  like  Juliet's  own, 

And  talked  like  SHAKSPEABE  by  the  hour : — 
''  If  I  be  perjured,  put  a  dagger  through  me !  " 

"  This  is  so  sudden !  "  "  Yet  I  speak  you  true, 
By  yon  electric  moon  I  swear  (beshrew  me!)." 
"  O  Mr.  Montague!  " 

We  counterfeited  farewells : — •"  'Tis  the  lark! 

I  hear  his  music  soar  above 
ALBERT'S  sublime  Memorial  in  the  Park." 

"  Nay,  'tis  the  nightingale,  my  love." 
And  thus  in  palmy  coves  and  cypress  coverts 

We  held  communion  till  the  morning's  prime  ; 
I  doubt  if  all  that  lot  of  " SHAKSPEABE'S  lovers" 
Had  half  so  good  a  time  ! 


[Private.     Dear  Beatrice.,  1  want  to  say 
-  ',In  case  your  soft,  but  female,  eye 
Should  read  the  above,  it  was  but  meant  in  play : 

'Tis  just  a  journalistic  lie. 
You  surely  should,  from  what  you  know  of  me,  know 

"  I  left  that  orgy  with  my  head  unturned  ; 
There  was  no  Juliet  at  {he  SHAKSPEABE  beano, 
"As  far  as  I  'm  concerned. 

Nor  was  I  Romeo,  though-I  have  my  doubts, 
•  In  point  of  mediaeval  date, 
What — -to  a  century  or  thereabouts — 

I  was  supposed  to  illustrate ; 
But,  when  admirers  asked  with  flattering  unction, 

"  What  means  your  costume,  so  superbly  spick?  " 
Then,  your  dear  name  suggesting  this  conjunction, 
I  answered,  "  Benedick  !  "] 

O.  S. 


THE   CROWNMENT. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  own  Special  French  Correspondent.) 

VEBY  DEAB  AND  HONOUBED  CONBBOTHEK, — Me  there  then 
arrived  at  last  to  the  great  day  aim  of  so  many  hopes 
and  prayers.  What  of  times  I  have  said  me,  "Jules 
Millefois,  my  old,  that  night  you  must  not  sleep  on  the 
two  ears.  The  thing  is  grave.  It  goes  there  of  the  honour 
of  the  French  nation.  Courage,  my  friend !  With  a  little 


of  courage  you  will  arrive  to  lift  yourself  of  good  hour  and 
the  rest  will  be  easy."  Mr.  Bolus,  his  wife  and  his  girl  all 
promise  to  help.  They  do  not  go  themselves,  but  they  are ' 
excited  on  my  count.  The  bonne-d-tout-faire  is  equalmently 
excited.  She  swear  she  will  wake  me  at  5  hours  of  the 
morning.  Mr.  Bolus,  too,  he  swear  he  will  wake  me  at  that 
hour.  He  say,  "  Sleep  in  peace  ;  I  will  wake  you."  I  say 
him, "  Foi  de  quincaillier,  n'est-ce-pas  ?  "  He  say,  "  What 's 
that  ?  "  and  I  to  reply  him,  with  a  smile  fine  and  narquois, 
Faith  of  an  ironmonger."  He  regard  me  a  little  across 
and  he  say,  "  What 's  the  matter  with  my  face  anyhow  ?  " 
I  say,  "  I  have  not  made  allusion  to  your  face,  my  friend," 
and  I  try  to  explique  to  him  the  difference  between  face 
and  faith,  but  it  appear  I  do  not  pronounce  well  the  words, 
and  he  becomes  of  more  in  more  angry.  But  at  the  end 
Miss  Bolus  arrive  when  I  was  on  the  point  of  lashing  a 
live  word,  and  she  say,  "  Don't  be  silly,  Papa,"  and  she  ex- 
plique my  words  to  him.  Then  he  begin  to  twist  himself  of 
laughing,  and  I  laugh  and  Miss  Bolus  laugh,  and  there  is  the 
thing  raccommoded.  I  go  to  bed  not  without  emotion,  but 
with  much  of  confiance. 

At  five  hours  of  the  morning  precise,  rassemblement  of  all 
the  family  Bolus  at  the  door  of  my  room.  ,  They  bat  on  the 
door;  the  bonne-d-tout-faire  bats  also. ,  ,1  awake  myself  in 
sursaut.  How,  it  is  already  the  hour?  Thereover  no 
doubt.  All  the  clocks  of  Putney  are  awa*ke  and  signal  the 
hour  with  all  their  force.  I  jump  in,  base  of  my  bed. 
"  Thank  you,  my  friends,"  I  say,  "  I  will  dress,  myself,"  and 
with  that  I  begin  to  make  my  little  end  of  toilet.  At  live 
hours  and  a  half  I  have  drunk  the  excellent  coffee  of  Bolus. 
I  make  my  goodbyes,  and  me  there  departed  with  a  little 
flacon  of  eau-de-vie  and  a  paquet  of  sandwiches,  the  gift  of 
Miss  Bolus. 

I  march  on  foot.  At  first  in  Putney  no  crowd,  but  in 
approaching  of  London  itself  the  streets  begin  to  fill  them- 
selves with  a  crowd  always  increasing.  Always  more  and 
more  automobiles  and  omnibuses  and  thousands  en  foot 
like  me.  Here  and  there  I  hear  the  sound  of  clairons.  It 
is  the  regiments  who  put  themselves  on  route.  I  see  one 
and  that  makes  me  much  emotion,  for  I  also  I  have  been 
soldier.  They  are  grand  gaillards  solidmently  built,  to  the 
bonnets  of  fur,  grenadiers  of  the  guard.  I  cannot  empesh 
myself  of  crying  with  high  voice,  "  Vive  I'armee  anglaiso  !" 
The  Colonel  to  horse  smiles  and  salutes  me ;  a  gross 
sergeant  gives  me  a  clin  of  eye,  and  a  passant  taps  me  on 
the  shoulder  and  say,  "Vive  1'ontonty  cordialy !  "  I  hear 
not  but  that  everywhere. 

At  seven  hours  I  am  in  my  seat  in  Pall  Mall.  I  arrive 
there  not  without  difficulty,  but  everywhere  the  policemens 
give  themselves  much  pain-to  aid  me.  Wonderful,  the 
policemens.  No  superfluous  words,  but  everything  quick 
and  efficace ;  and  for  the  women  and  the  children  they  are 
like  boats  of  sauvetage  in  the  flood  always  increasing  of 
the  crowd.  And  the  crowd  itself  which  stations  on  the  pave- 
ment pending  hours,  they  are  of  a  good  humour  to  support 
everything ;  and  constamently  they  amuse  themselves  with 
sallies  and  there  they  are  who  puff  of  laughter.  I  have 
not  seen  one  sole  angry  visage  the  whole  day. 

Quant  to  the  KINO  and  the  QUEEN  I  born  myself  to  say 
that  I  have  seen  them,  and  I  dare  to  say  it  they  are  well 
worthy  of  the  great  nation  of  which  they  carry  the  crown. 
Others  will  tell  you  how  they  were  acclaimed  everywhere 
where  they  have  passed  in  their  goWed  carriage.  For  me 
the  vast  crowd  and  the  frenetic  huzzas,  there  was  that 
which  has  overall  impressioned  me. 

Au  revoir,   then,  dear  colleg.     Tomorrow  I  make   my 
mails   and    retuin   to  Paris.     I   have   still  the  heart   all 
gonfled  with  the  noble  spectacle  at  which  I  have  assisted. 
All  to  you,  JULES  MILLEFOIS. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. -JuNE  28,  1911. 


AFTER  THE  EEVELS. 


ME.  ASQUITH.   "  GO  EASY,  ARTHUR,  FOR  A  LITTLE ;  I  'M  A  BIT  OUT  OF  CONDITION." 
MB.  BALFOUR.  "SAME   HERE." 


JUNE  28,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


495 


Foreign  Waiter  (who  Juu  forgotten  the  right  formula  for  the  usual  hint,  "  I  am  leaving  you  now,  Sir,"  to  startled  guest). 

IV.VlUt  SEE   III  NO  MORE,    Sill." 


"YOU   WILL 


VICE   UNREWARDED. 

(A  Plaint  of  Modern  Melodrania.) 

I  KNOW  not  how  it  was,  but  who  can  gauge 

The  fickle  people's  fondness  for  a  pet  ? 
You  seemed  to  me,  O  man  of  blood  and  rage, 
To  do  your  duty  nobly  when  you  set 

The  hero  trussed  before  a-midnight  train ; 

Was  it  your  fault  that  he  turned  up  again 

And  found  his  old  ancjstral  halls  "  to  let  "  ? 

I  thought  you  pitched  the  business  fairly  strong, 
.    When  poisoning  the  aged  parson's  drink  ; 
And  when  the  heroine  sang  bar  little  song 
(In  blue)  beside  the  river's  daisied  brink 

You  wooed  her  far  from  gently  (there  you  erred; 
Speaking  with  all  due  deference,  I  preferred 
Your  former  mistress  in  the  low-necked  pink). 

Still,  I  admired  you  for  the  gallant  way 

You  got  your  hold  upon  the  girl's  papa; 
I  liked  your  evening  dress  at  broad  noonday, 
Surmounted  by  a  stylish  Panama  ; 

I  liked  it  when,  frustrated  and  b'erthrdwn, 
You  ground  your  tseth  like  mills  of  standard  stone ; 
And  several  times  I  heard  you  say,  "  Ha-ha  1 " 

But  something,  to  tin  House's  keener  eye, 
•Of  downright  dastardy  you  seemed  to  miss  ; 

Was  it  your  boots,  perchance,  or  else  your  tie? 
None  can  explain  it ;  all  I  know  is  this, 


That,  when  at  last,  the  poignant  drama  done, 
You  craved  your  guerdon  of  the  gods,  you  woa 
Hardly  the  meed  of  one  melodious  hiss. 

You  must  buck  up,  old  boy,  and  mend  that  flaw — 

You  who  in  other  years  were  wont  to  grease 
Your  face  with  perfect  confidence  and  draw, 
Soon  as  (Act  V.)  the  pitiless  police 

Had  clapped  on  you  the  "darbies"  and  had  stopped 
The  county  wedding  till  the  grooms  were  swopped, 
Encomiums  like  the  noise  of  angry  geese. 

Pile  on  the  agony,  enhance  that  scowl ; 

Forge  me  another  cheque  ;  destroy  by  Same 
More  marriage  lines  ;  commit  more  murder  foul ; 
Else  out  of  pity  for  a  part  so  tame, 
A  rogue  so  innocent,  some  awful  night 
The  Olympians,  from  their  orange-scented  height, 
Shall  clap  you — to  your  everlasting  shame. 

EVOE. 

"The  Governor-General  in  Council  is  pleased  to  direct  that  wines  and 
spirits  and  English  or  being  obtained  in  India  shall  me  purchased 
hospitals  in  India  shall  be  purchased  in  India,  instead  of  beinx  obtained 
in  India  shall  .be  purchased  in  India,  instead  hospitals  by  indent  on 
the  Director-General  of  Stores." — The  Englishman. 

As  The  Daily  Mail  suggested  years  ago. 


"Hiawatln,  Tennyson's  poem,  was  iUustratcJ  iu  a  scries  of  beautiful 
pictures. " — Ireland' $  SalurJay  Night. 

In  LONGFELLOW'S  words,  "  Someone  has  blundered." 


406 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


Caledonian.  "BIDE  yo0  THERE,  WUMIIAN,  AN'  I'LL  JUIST  SEE  WJIAT'LL  BE  THE  CHAIBGE 

WI'OOT  THE  BA-AKD." 


AFTERMATH. 

WANTED  known  that  the  Churches 
of  St.  Mary-le- Strand  and  St.  Clement 
Danes  have  now  been  handed  back, 
more  or  less  intact,  to  the  Church  of 
England. 

A  MEMBER  of  the  Nobility,  returning 
to  the  backwoods,  has  no  further  use 
for  silver-gilt  coronet  (ball-bearings, 
make  lovely  epergne) ;  also  set  of 
scarlet  robes,  edged  miniver.  Would 
exchange  for  air-gun  or  anything  useful. 
What  offers  ? 

REST-CURE.  —  Those  with  nerves 
shattered  through  the  strain  of  Corona- 
tion week  can  find  a  happy  home  of 
rest  at  Sahara  Yiew  Hotel,  Timbuctoo. 


Plain  cooking.  Absolute  quiet  guaran- 
teed. For  inclusive  terms  apply  to  the 
Manager. 

To  AMERICANS  RETURNING  TO  THE 
STATES. — The  Blue  Moon  Company 
beg  to  announce  that  they  will  offer 
by  Auction  next  Monday  the  only 
remaining  first-class  berth  on  the 
S.S.  "  BULLIONIC,"  sailing  from  Liver- 
pool on  July  15th.  A  few  stoke-hole 
berths  left  at  120  guineas  each. 

IF  the  lady  who  on  June  23rd,  oppo- 
site Bedford  .Street,  Strand,  left  little 
baby  girl  for  few  minutes  with  young 
gentleman,  brown  suit  and  straw  hat, 
will  call  at  137,  Orphanage  Lane,  S.W., 
she  can  remove  the  infant ;  otherwise 
it  will  be  sold  to  defray  expenses. 


To  BE  CLEARED  IMMEDIATELY. — 
200,000  Coronation  handkerchiefs  on 
real  tissue  paper,  with  speaking  like- 
nesses of  Their  Majesties,  handsomely 
printed  in  colours  from  specially  painted 
portraits  by  Mr.  Aldgate  East,  R.A. ; 
ornamental  borders.  2d.  per  1,000. 

SAVIL  HOTEL,  EMBANKMENT. — Plen- 
ty of  first-class  rooms  can  now  be  had 
at  moderate  prices ;  close  to  best 
theatres.  Freak  supper-rooms  on  hire. 

ALL  those  anxious  to  let  windows 
overlooking  the  Strand  for  the  Lord 
Mayor's  Show  on  November  9th, 
should  apply  to  Welsher  and  Welsher, 
who  were  successful  in  letting  every 
seat  entrusted  to  their  Agency  for  the 
Coronation — many  of  them  twice  over. 


THE    LITTLE    GHOST. 

BROAD,  high  yew  hedges  flank  the 

flowers,  and  border 
An  old,  smooth  lawn  where,  fashioned 

grimly  stiff, 
Two  knights  —  in  close-clipped  box — 

keep  ancient  order, 
O'er  shaven   dragon,   hound   and 

hippogriff  ; 
And  there, 
When  the  June  air 
At  dusk  is  cool  and  fair, 
And  the  great  roses  strengthen  on  their 

stalks, 

Down  the  long  path,  beset 
With   heaven  -  scented,   haunting 

mignonette, 
The  gardeners  say, 
A  little  grey 
Ghost-lady  walks ! 

I  haven't  seen  her,  haven't  heard  her 

legend, 

Pale  little  shade,  only  the  rumour  tells 
That  'tis  her  wont  to  wander  to  the 

hedge-end, 
And  vanish  near  the  Canterbury 

Bells ; 
And  so 

I  do  not  know 
What  sends  her  to  and  fro — 
Murder,  may  be,  or  broken  heart,  or 

gold. 

I  like  to  fancy  most 
That  she  is  just   some   little  lady's 

ghost 

Who  loved  her  flowers 
And  quiet  hours 
In  Junes  of  old  I 


"  The  King  an(J  Queen  are  in  London  for  the 
Coronation." — Daily  Mail. 

Good.     We  expected  it  of  them. 


Better  and  Better. 

"  Failing  fruit  to  quench  the  thirst,  nothing 
is  better  than  lemon  and  glycerine  lozenges,  or 
black  currant  lozenges  ;  and  better  than  either, 
lime  and  glycerine  lozenges." — Daily  Mail. 


JUNK  28.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


497 


A   FORLORN   HOPK. 

DxAit  Mr.  Punch,— I  write  to  you  this 

letter, 

And  earnestly  petition  you  to  read, 
Murk,  learn,  etc. ;  in  fact,  you'd  better. 
Or,  roused  to  fury,  I  shall  have  your 

bleed. 

Having  got  this,  by  way  of  preface,  said, 
I  '11  go  ahead. 

Two  times  a  twelvemonth  (i.e.  twice 

per  annum) 
You  publish  all  tli3  names  of  your 

elect, 
Namei   which    inflate   the    breasts   of 

those  who  scan  'em 
With  sentiments  of  most  profound 

respect ; 

You  print,  in  short,  a  list  of  wits  and 
sages 

Who  fill  your  pages. 

Need  I  unfold  in  words  my  grand  am- 
bition? 
I  want  to  830  my  name   enshrined 

there  too ; 

Before  I  go  to  (probably)  perdition 
/  want  to  join  those  highly-honoured 

few; 

But   then,  you   know,   old    man,    yen 
always  go 

And  spoil  the  show. 

You  'd  break  a \  O3t's  heart  to  fragments 

if  he 
Were  weak  in  that  respect.  Of  course 

I  grant 

You  never  are  contemptuous  or  sniffy, 
But    just    wrong-headed,    hard    as 

adamant, 

Dense,  obstinate,  wi  th  never  no  us  enough 
To  take  my  stuff. 

I  own  that  your  refusals,  Charivari, 
Are  couched  in  language  courteous 

and  kind, 
Especially  the  brief  epistolary 

Remarks   which    sometimes   soothe 

one's  ruffled  mind. 

Still,   these    collected    yearly    by    the 
score 

Become  a  bore. 

This  is  your  last  chance  in  the  present 

Vol.,  so 
Print  this,  I  beg  of  you,  and  get  it 

done. 
I'll  thank  you  heartily,  and  promise 

also 
Your  circulation   shall   increase   by 

one 

(You  won't,  I  know ;    I  feel  it  in  my 
bones). 

Yours,  J.  J.  Jones. 

"Then  grasp  that  heavy  tcejiter  in  thy  hand, 
And  sjt  upon  thy  brows  that  heavy  orb." 

Century  Magazine. 

An  extract  from  Mr.  STEPHEN  PHILLIPS' 
loyal  ode  to  Cinquevalli  the  Fifth. 


«P»  i^  ^<  — — — -— _ 

^.'iPri*t'Nis.(s. 


Pa- sing  Horse-bin  Conductor  (maliciously,  to  Driver  of  Motor-bus  who  has  just  smarted  a  Cart). 

"'EKE   YEK  AKE,    TUPPENCE  ALL  THE  WAY  TO   BOW   Si  BEET." 


THE  CYNIC  AT  THE  ALTAR. 

PRICE  is  really  quite  an  ordinary, 
primitive  sort  of  person  at  heart,  but 
he  has  a  reputation  amongst  us  for 
unconventional  ideas  and  a  decadent 
point  of  view.  He  referred  to  his  en- 
gagement as  "  this  regrettable  entangle- 
ment," and,  when  he  asked  me  to  be 
his  Best  Man,  he  took  care  to  write 
that  "  a  lady  having  proposed  marriage 
to  him  and  having  shown  no  signs  of 
relenting,  he  supposed  it  was  up  to  him 
to  put  in  an  appearance  at  the  church, 
and  to  go  through  the  solemn  farce 
of  giving  his  formal  consent  to  her 
autocratic  designs."  I  agreed  willingly, 
for  we  all  felt  that  Price,  when  he  was 
manied,  would  have  to  give  up  saying 
that  sort  of  thing,  and  therefore  one 
of  us  ought  to  be  near  by  to  take  a 
note  of  his  last  utterance. 


The  great  day  came,  and  the  bride 
in  her  white  Je-ne-sais-quoi  looked 
charming,  the  bridegroom  pale  but 
prepared,  and  the  parson  much  as 
usual.  With  the  help  of  a  little  stage- 
management  from  a  discreet  curate  we 
succeeded,  at  the  appointed  time,  in 
being  at  the  chancel  steps ;  the  bride's 
father,  the  bride,  Price  and  myself,  in 
the  customary  formation. 

"  Wilt  thou  have  this  woman  to  thy 
wedded  wife?"  asked  the  parson  of 
Price,  and  I  thought  for  a  second  that 
he  was  going  to  seize  his  opportunity 
and  make  his  great  remark  then.  But 
no ;  he  merely,  as  he  would  have 
himself  described  it,  politely  acquiesced. 

"  Wilt  thou  have  this  man  to  thy 
wedded  husband  ?  "  asked  the  parson 
of  the  bride.  "  I  will,"  said  she. 

"  Ah !  "  whispered  Price  in  my  ear. 
"  I  was  afraid  she  would." 


498 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


: 


O.H.M.S. 

THIS  is  not  in  the  least  amusing.  If 
anybody  laughs  about  it,  it  will  be  in 
the  worst  taste.  I  appeal  to  my  readers 
for  their  sympathy  in  this  unhappy 
business. 

Very  likely  I  shall  be  asked  to  retire 
from  the  Bar — a  profession  which  I 
have  followed,  albeit  without  con- 
spicuous success,  at  least  with  dignity, 
these  many  years. 

My  little  daughter,  Felicity,  while 
she  admits  herself  that  she  was  the 
prime  mover  and  principal  performer 
in  our  mistaken  enterprise,  refuses 
point-blank  to  face  the  music  with  me. 

"  I  cannot  go  to  gaol  with  you, 
Papa,"  she  says. 

"  You  will  look  very  pretty  in  the 
dock,"  I  reply,  to  tempt  her. 

"  I  have  nothing  to  wear,"  she  says, 
"  and,  besides,  there  is  that  children's 
dance  on  next  week.  I  will  come  to 
your  cell  each  day;  Papa,  and  bring  you 
strawberries  and  things." 

The  above  conversation  has  just  ter- 
minated as  I  take  up  my  quill  to  write 
and  thus  relieve  the  bitterness  of  my 
mind. 

I  think,  perhaps,  the  ultimate  re- 
sponsibility rests  with  her  uncle,  who 
took  her  to  see  the  launch  of  a  Dread- 
nought, or  some  such  craft,  whereat  a 
lady  of  title  performed  the  christening 
ceremony — a  foolish  proceeding  which 
appears  to  have  made  an  impression  on 
my  little  girl's  mind.  It  seems  that  a 
bottle  of  champagne  is  broken  upon 
the  bows  on  such  occasions — a  most 
reprehensible  waste  of  my  favourite 
beverage. 

It  was  one  morning  last  week  that 
I  was  seated  in  my  study,  which  con- 
tains some  fine  examples  of  the  art 
nouveau  style  of  furniture,  when  my 
daughter  burst  suddenly  through  the 
door,  with  the  flush  of  the  June  morn- 
ing on  her  pretty  fair  cheeks. 

"  Where  are  your  manners,  Felicity?  " 
I  asked. 

"Write  a  letter,  Papa,"  she  cried, 
"quick,  quick — write  a  letter." 

"Certainly  not,  my  child, "said  I;  "  I 
have  no  wish  to  write  a  letter.  I  wrote 
one  last  year  and  never  got  an  answer." 

"  But  you  're  writing  one  now,"  she 
said;  "send  that." 

"  This,  my  child,  is  a  poem  lor  Punch." 

"Well,  that  will  do,"  she  said.  "I 
must  go  and  get  the  flowers."  And  she 
departed  without  further  explanation. 

Marvelling  greatly,  I  folded  it  into 
an  envelope.  It  has  not  hitherto  been 
my  custom  to  send  flowers  with  my 
contributions.  Perhaps  that  is  the 
reason  they  are  never  accepted.  It 
struck  me  that  my  little  girl  had  very 
original  ideas. 


I  had  scarcely  addressed  the  en- 
velope when  Felicity  returned  with  a 
mass  of  roses  stolen  from  the  drawing- 
room,  a  large  bottle  of  blue-black  ink, 
and  a  Post-oflice  Directory,  handsomely 
bound  in  red. 

Up  to  this  point — except,  perhaps, 
in  trying  to  write  a  poem  for  Punch — 
I  had  behaved  in  an  entirely  rational 
manner.  It  was  when,  after  accepting 
the  above  articles  from  my  daughter's 
hands,  I  obeyed  her  request  to  follow 
her  down  the  carriage  drive,  that  I  was 
too  easily  led  and  found  myself  event- 
ually within  jeopardy  of  legal  process. 

My  mind  was  filled  with  doubts  at 
the  time  as  to  the  wisdom  of  the  per- 
formance, but  explain  it  how  you  will 
the  fact  remains  that  I  fell  in  with 
Felicity's  wishes  and  followed  her 
through  the  lodge  gates  into  the  high- 
way. 

There  a  strange  and  unexpected 
sight  met  my  eyes.  Where  but  yester- 
day had  been  a  barren  side-walk,  there 
had  arisen  in  the  night  an  object 
familiar  enough  in  itself,  but  strange 
in  its  sudden  apparition.  A  brand-new 
pillar-box  stood  before  me.  It  shone 
in  the  sunlight. 

"Isn't  he  a  dear?"  said  Felicity. 
"  Look  at  his  mouth.  I  think  he  has 
the  darlingest  expression." 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  it  is  really  a  very 
fine  specimen.  Was  it  this  you  brought 
me  out  to  see?  " 

Thereupon  she  explained  the  situ- 
ation. It  appeared  that  I  was  the 
Mayor  of  the  town,  and  that  she  was 
Lady  Felicity  Postle-Lauder,  who  had 
graciously  consented  to  christen  the 
pillar-box  and  post  the  first  letter. 

It  struck  me  at  the  time  that  it  was 
a  foolish  proceeding,  but  not  wishing 
to  disappoint  my  daughter  I  consented, 
and  together  we  decorated  it  with 
the  roses.  A  small  bunch  Felicity 
retained  and  tied  round  the  bottle 
of  ink. 

When  all  the  arrangements  were 
completed,  she  spoke  as  follows  : — 

"  Mr.  Mayor  will  now  read  the 
address." 

"I  regret,"  I  began,  "that  I  have 
come  completely  unprepared  with 
any " 

"  Out  of  the  Directory,"  she  prompted, 
"  it 's  full  of  them." 

I  opened  the  book  and  began  to  read 
in  a  loud  clear  voice. 

"  That  is  enough,"  said  Felicity 
presently ;  "  now  give  me  the  letter." 

My  daughter  assumed  a  majestic 
attitude  before  the  flower-decked  pillar- 
box,  with  the  letter  in  one  hand  and 
the  bottle  of  ink  in  the  other.  After  a 
dramatic  pause,  she  pushed  the  letter 
into  its  mouth  and  brought  the  bottle 
down  with  a  crash  upon  its  head. 


About    two    pints   of    blue-black    ink 
streamed  over  its  facs. 

"  I  name  thee  '  Philip,'  "  she  said. 

I  felt  that  a  few  further  words  were 
expected  from  me  and  so  I  proceeded 
as  follows: 

"Philip,"  I  said,  "take  up  thy 
humble  burden.  A  time  will  come, 
Philip,  when  thou  wilt  be  a  great  and 
famous  letter-box.  I  look  into  the 
future,  Philip,  and  see — 

"And  see  the  postman  coming,"  broke 
in  Felicity,  who  was  looking  up  the 
road. 

Whereat  the  performance  came  to  an 
abrupt  conclusion,  and  we  dispersed 
rapidly  into  the  garden. 

"A  beautiful  ceremony,"  said  Felicity, 
sitting  upon  the  arm  of  my  study  chair 
that  evening,  with  her  arms  round  my 
neck  and  her  dimpled  cheek  held  up 
for  a  good-night  kiss. 

"  Yes,"  I  said.  "  The  only  thing  that 
went  wrong  was " 

"What?" 

"  I  forgot  to  stamp  the  letter.  I  "m 
afraid  it  will  be  prejudicial  to  the  suc- 
cess of  my  poem." 

*         *         -'.-         •'.-•         *         •','• 

The  next  morning  an  important- 
looking  missive  arrived  upon  the  break- 
fast table. 

"  What  is  it  ?  "  asked  Felicity,  stop- 
ping with  her  porridge  spoon  in  the 
air. 

"  I  think,  probably,"  I  said,  "  I  have 
been  asked  to  join  the  staff  of  Punch." 

"No.     Impossible,  Papa." 

Then  I  opened  it,  and  immediately 
all  my  appetite  was  taken  away.  It 
was  an  alaiming  letter  from  somebody 
"  On  His  Majesty's  Service,"  and  ran 

in  this  wise No,  I  will  not  give  its 

contents.    The  subject  is  rather  painful 
and  sub  judice. 


THE    RUBBER    BATH. 

I  OFTEN  think  that  we  might  use  it 
more  if  it  were  watertight.  It  is  a 
twenty-seven  inch  bath,  and  it  cost  me 
thirteen-and-six.  You  can  get  them 
up  to  thirty-six  inches,  but  the  large 
ones  are  not  to  be  recommended ;  they 
are  very  difficult  to  control,  and  some- 
times get  quite  out  of  hand.  It  shuts 
up  very  neatly  and  goes  into  a  bag, 
and  it  is  important  to  remember  that 
it  should  not  be  folded  up  wet.  When 
you  open  it  out  on  the  floor  it  looks 
more  or  less  like  any  other  bath,  only 
wobbly.  It  appears  to  have  no  sort  of 
fixed  outline,  if  you  understand  me. 
But  as  soon  as  you  pour  in  the  water 
it  stiffens  up  all  right.  The  real 
trouble  begins  when  you  try  to  empty 
it.  You  don't  learn  how  to  do  that 
without  a  pretty  careful  education. 
The  wrong  way  to  do  it  is  for  two 


JUNK  28,  191 1.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


499 


people  to  get  hold  of  it  at  once.  My 
wife  and  1  used  to  try  that  way,  but 
we  simply  couldn't  work  harmoniously 
together.  Quito  against  our  will  the 
tiling  degenerated  into  a  contest.  I 
used  to  get  into  my  oilskins,  and  my 
wife  slipped  on  her  mackintosh,  and 
then  we  faced  each  other,  one  at  each 
side!,  and  took  hold.  We  soon  found 
that  it  wasn't  a  question  of  strength 
or  balance  or  knack  ;  it  all  depended 
upon  who  could  get  the  fiist  grip.  If 
you  were  half  a  second  late  you  got  a 
Uvni'  ndous  cascade  about  the  ankles. 
For  when  it  is  in  really  good  form  it 
can  throw  the  water  six  or  eight  feet 
across  the  room. 

Of  course  there  is  a  way  in  which  it 
can  be  lifted,  if  you  get  a  throttle  hold 
on  it  in  four  places  at  once.  Then  it 
becomes  a  mere  bag,  and  a  jolly 
unwieldy  one  at  that.  Perhaps  the 
soundest  method  —  though  it  takes 
longer — is  just  to  bale  it  out  and  dry 
off  with  blotting-paper. 

I  often  think,  as  I  said,  that  we 
might  use  it  more  if  it  were  watertight. 
That  is  really  its  weak  spot.  I  might 
have  known  at  the  beginning,  but  I  was 
persuaded  by  the  Scotchman. 

I  bought  it  from  a  Scotchman  in  a 
little  shop  in  Holborn.  I  made  him 
give  me  a  full  demonstration  of  the 
working  of  it.  He  put  it  on  the  floor 
and  filled  it,  showing  the  admirable 
effect  of  the  stiffening-up  process.  He 
then  went  on  to  explain  how  it  was 
emptied.  He  was  in  such  a  tearing 
hurry  to  get  to  this  part  of  his  expo- 
sition that  he  only  allowed  the  water 
to  remain  in  it  for  about  ten  seconds. 
I  can  see  now  that  that  was  where  he 
scored.  Even  as  it  was  there  remained 
a  beautiful  circular  patch  of  moisture 
on  the  oil-cloth  where  the  bath  had 
been.  He  tried  to  kick  a  rug  over  it, 
but  I  was  too  quick  for  him. 

"  It 's  not  watertight,"  I  said  bluntly, 
— I  am  blunt  sometimes. 

"  Oo  ay,"  said  he.  "  She  's  pairfitly 
watertight." 

I  pointed  to  the  mark  on  the  floor 
without  a  word. 

"  Hoots,"  said  he  soothingly,  "that's 
naething.  It 's  merely  the  naitural 
moisture.  It's  no  damp." 

"It  escaped  from  the  bath,"  said  I 
sternly. 

"  Escapit  ?  "  said  he. 

"  Leaked,"  said  I. 

"  Not  at  all,"  he  reassured  me.  "  It 's 
a  species  o'  mist.  Congealed,  one 
micht  say." 

"  But  how  does  that  happen  ?  "  I 
asked,  determined  to  get  to  the  bottom 
of  it. 

"  It 's  the  temperature  o'  the  floor. 
It 's  a  warm  day,  ye  see.  Pit  yer  hand 
on  that." 


•v* 


Blood  (in  suburban  shop,  bui/iiig  cu'.tjn  gloves  for  the  costume  of  Mrs.  Jarley).     "Nor  FOB 

WEAK  IN   THE   I'ARK,    YOU   KNOW — WHAT  7'' 

Assistant.   "No,  SIR;  FOR  EVENING  WEAR,  I  PRESUME." 


I  put  my  hand  on  the  counter  where 
the  sun  struck,  and  had  to  admit  that 
it  was  warm. 

"  Weel,"  he  said  triumphantly, 
"  that 's  the  way  o'  it.  Humeedity  ! 
Ye  micht  go  so  far  as  to  say  it  was 
evaporation — in  a  sense." 

"  But  I  don't  see  why  the  floor 
should  be  wet,"  I  maintained. 

The  Scotchman  sat  down  and  began 
patiently  to  explain.  His  defiant  atti- 
tude had  subsided,  and  there  was  a 
sweet  reasonableness  about  his  manner, 
as  of  one  who  is  instructing  a  little 
child. 

"  Did  ye  ever  see  a  kind  o'  mist  or 
fog  formed  on  the  inside  o'  a  window 
in  a  railway  compairtment  ?  Weel, 
ye  micht  juist  as  weel  say  that  was 
leakage  frae  the  ootside  as  this.  It 's 
an  acceptit  fact."  He  went  on  to 
point  out  that  as  a  non-conductor 
rubber  was  "  impairvious  to  suction," 


and  I  gave  it  up,  paid  my  money  and 
retired,  the  bath  under  my  arm. 

We  have  given  up  using  it.  It 
wasn't  so  much  the  room  itself  that 
suffered,  as  the  plaster  of  the  ceiling 
below.  I  dare  say  we  should  not  have 
used  it  much  in  any  case.  But  they 
have  gone  up  in  price.  I  notice  that 
the  Scotchman  is  selling  them  at 
seventeen-and-nine  now.  I  wonder  if 
he  would  take  mine  back  ? 


Coronation  Latin. 

"  VIVBT  BEX  ET  REQINA,"  said  a 
stand  in  Waterloo  Place.  It  is  a 
prophecy  which  all  loyal  hearts  would 
wish  fulfilled.  Preset,  as  one  might  say. 


The  Wastrels. 

"Afterwards  the  happy  couple  left  for  the 
moneymoon,  whicli  has  been  spent  at  Brighton. " 
— Crvydon  Advertiser. 


5CO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,   1911. 


THE    WAY    OF    A    MAID. 

OW   Loyalist   (who   has   allowed  the   "  ila/"'   to  go  to   th-e  procession  to  see  the  King  and  Queen).    "WELL,  1  HOPE  YOU  SAW  THEM 
WELL,  MAP.Y  ! " 
"YES,  TI1AXK  YOU,  MUM,  THEY  LOOKED  LOVELY.     TllE  ONE  FROM  OUR  STBEET  'AD  ON  A  NEW  TUNIC  AND  'is  MEDAL  ALL  SHINED  UP." 


"COMMEM." 

FAIR  ladies,  why  don't  you  direct  us 

.What  hour  you  are  coming  from  Town 
In  the  toilets  that  ravage  the  masculine  pectus, 

The  bonnets  that  knock  a  man  down  ? 
Silky  and  summery  flounces  and  flummery, 

Gossamer  muslins  and  lawns, 
With  the  spring  in  your  air  and  a  rose  in  your  hair 

And  a  step  that  is  light  as  a  fawn's  ? 

Our  Fellows,  both  clergy  and  laity, 

Leaving  their  sheltering  oaks, 
In  a  rapture  of  light  irresponsible  gaiety 

Burst  into  flannels  and  jokes  ; 
The  Dean  is  canoeing,  the  Bursar  is  wooing, 

The  Junior  Proctor  you  '11  find 
In  a  sumptuous  punt  with  a  damsel  in  front 

And  a  Bull-dog  to  push  from  behind. 

Ah,  moist  are  our  meadows,  but  moister 

My  lip  at  the  thought  of  it  all ! 
Soft  ripple  of  dresses  that  flow  in  the  cloister, 

Girl  laughter  that  rings  on  the  wall ! 
But  avaunt,  trepidation  !  it 's  time  for  the  station  ; 

I  "m  glad  that  my  trousers  are  pressed  ; 
For  I  think  you  '11  arrive  by  the  4.45, 

And  I  want  to  be  looking  my  best. 


SID  BELGRABIT. 

[SiD  BELGRABIT,  according  to  The  Times,  is  the  native  member  of  the 
Kreuch  Legation  in  Morocco.] 

FROM  the  earliest  days  when  S.  B.  was  a  kid 
His  name  to  the  merest  acquaintance  was  SID, 
But,  as  he  detests  this  familiar  habit, 
Myself,  I  address  him  as  SIDNEY  BELGHABIT. 

At  school  he  absorbed  anything  that  was  Greek, 
His  Latin,  however,  was  painfully  weak  ; 
He'd  a  way  of  pronouncing  amdbit,  "  amitbit"- 
And  his  master  would  frequently  censure  BELCB.VBIT. 

Our  SIDNEY  's  no  book- worm.    He  lives  out-of-doors, 
He  hits  local  bowling  for  sixes  and  fours, 
And  when  he  's  exhausted  by  running  he  '11  cab  it 
Between  the  two  creases,  will  SIDNEY  BELGRABIT. 

At  Fez  he  is  often  seen  fishing  the  stream 

For  bream  (though  it  happens  there  ain't  any  bream), 

But  once,  it 's  recorded,  a  very  small  dab  bit 

His  bait  off  the  line,  which  encouraged  BELGRABIT. 

In  a  final  review  of  the  things  he  has  done, 
I  must  not  omit  his  success  with  the  gun. 
Shooting  over  the  Moors,  he  can  pick  off  his  rabbit 
With  quiet  precision.     Vive  SIDNEY  BELGHABIT  ! 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAHIVAIil.  -Ji  M:   28.  1911. 


"A    TIGHT    LITTLE    ISLAND." 

BRITANNIA.  "I'M   SUEE   MY  COSTUMIERS   WANT    ME  TO    LOOK   MY  BEST.     BUT  I  HAVE 
A   SORT    OF    FEELING    THAT    THIS    THING    MAY    RATHER    HAMPER    MY    SEA-LEGS." 


JI-NK  28,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


503 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  or  TOIIV,  M.P.) 

I l»une  of  Commons,  Monday,  June  19. 
—Taking  our  Parliament  in  sort  of 
homoeopathic  doses.  Resumed  last 
Tuesday  after  brief  Whitsun  holiday. 
To-morrow  break  up  again  for  Coron- 
ation Recess  ;  coming  back  next  Mon- 
day bringing  the  Lords  with  us.  Then 
or  soon  after  will  come  the  tug-o'-\var. 

This  intervening  week  has  been  one 
of  exceeding  dreariness,  varied  only  by 
LLOYD  GKOHOK'S  onslaught  on  critics 
of  his  financial  policy  who  attribute  to 
it  not  only  recrudesence  of  overgrown 
blue-bottle  flies  in  butchers'  shops  but 
the  collapse  of  Birkbeck  Bank.  Next 
week  business  will  really  begin.  Decks 
have  been  cleared  for  action  and  shotted 
guns  will  be  fired.  The  Lords,  who 
have  almost  forgotten  they  passed 
LANSDOWNE'S  Reform  Bill,  which 
abolished  time-honoured  system  of 
hereditary  legislators,  will  go  into 
Committee  on  that  really  substantial 
measure,  the  Parliament  Bill. 

What  Will  They  Do  With  It?  is  a 
question  even  Lord  LYTTON,  having 
hereditary  connection  with  the  problem, 
is  unable  to  answer.  There  remains 
nothing  for  us  but  to  wait  and  see. 
What  is  certain  is  that,  after  strictly 
limited  period  of  waiting,  we  shall  see 
far-reaching  change  in  Constitution. 

Business  done. —  SAMUEL  on  Tele- 
phone Transfer. 

Tuesday. — Some  talk  of  raising  on 
Motion  for  Adjournment  question  of 
intention  of  Kitchen  Committee  in 
respect  of  future  administration  of 
their  important  department.  Rumour 
has  it  that  it  is  intended  to  introduce 
system  of  cooking  in  paper  bags.  Fact 
that  experiments  will  first  be  tried  on 
preparation  of  the  shilling  dinner  much 
resented  below  Gangway. 

Report  probably  takes  its  origin 
from  undeniable  fact  that  CHAIRMAN 
OP  KITCHEN  COMMITTEE  was  present 
at  a  luncheon  specially  cooked  en 
papillot  by  M.  SOYER,  the  rediscoverer 
of  a  submerged  art.  Too  often  is  found 
a  crumpled  rose-leaf  in  the  Sybarite's 
bed.  Questioned  on  his  opinion  of 
the  feast,  MARK  LOCKWOOD,  whilst 
admitting  its  general  excellence,  mur- 
murs at  the  memory  of  the  lamb 
cutlet  garnished  with  green  peas. 

"The  lamb,"  he  remarked,  with  the 
native  shrewdness  that  stamps  his  deal- 
ing with  loftier  Parliamentary  affairs, 
"  was,  I  believe,'  a  cut  from  the  loin  of 
a  goat.  As  for  the  peas,  they  were  so 
under-done  they  were  more  suitable  for 
the  filling  of  the  shoes  of  a  pilgrim  on 
his  way  to  Canterbury  than  for  stuffing 
the  mouth  of  an  experienced  Chairman 
of  a  Kitchen  Committee." 


AFTER  THE  NAVAL   REVIEW. 


However  well  Statesmen  may  contrive  to  resume  their  normal  civilian  comjwsure  we  feel 
sure  that,  if  properly  approached,  they  would  confess  to  a  joyous,  irresistible,  light-hearted, 
nautical  abandon  which  it  seems  almost  a  pity  to  suppress. 


This  was,  however,  an  accidental 
failure  in  matter  of  detail.  Experiment 
on  the  whole  was  such  a  success  that 
our  CHAIRMAN  OF  THE  KITCHEN  COM- 
MITTEE, ever  devoted  to  the  interests 
of  his  clientele,  has  been  personally 
conducting  experiments  with  view  to 
testing  the  suitability  and  desirability 
of  adoption  of  the  paper  bag  in  the 
House  of  Commons'  kitchen.  At  a 
little  luncheon  he  gave  in  his  room 
yesterday,  a  steak  cooked  by  his  own 
hands  was  much  appreciated.  COUSIN 
HUGH,  a  gourmet  of  exceptionally  pene- 
trating taste,  discerned  in  it  what  he 
described  as  "  a  subtile  House  of  Com- 
mons flavour." 

MARK  explained  that,  having  used 
up  the  last  of  his  paper  bags,  be  had 
cooked  the  steak  in  a  copy  of  the 
Orders  of  the  Day. 

Business  done. — Adjourned  till  after 
Coronation. 


The  Yellow  Press. 

"This  anointing  is  known  to  have  been  the 
practice  from  Saxon  days  ;  the  Saxon  Chronicle 
sa_,  s  that  Egbert,  King  of  the  Mexicans,  was  by 
t  lie  use  of  the  holy  oil  'hallowed  to  king.'" 
Eastern  Daily  Frets. 

We  are  afraid  that  The  Saxon  Chronicle 
was  a  little  beforehand  with  the  news 
of  the  discovery  of  America. 


"FALSE  FRONT  COLLAPSES. 
FIVE  MEN  INJURED." 

Melbourne  Herald. 
More  victims  of  fashion. 


Early  Closing. 

"It  is  proposed  to  close  the  Ash  ton  Central 
Post  Office  at  9  a.m.  instead  of  10  p.m.,  as  at 
present.  The  Ash  ton  Town  Council  last  night 
passed  a  resolution  of  protest.'' — ManchcsUr 
Guardian. 

No  wonder. 


5J4 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


mr>     niiki/^Ljie   eiinm  C-IUICTMTC   'WORTH'S  sonnet,  written   at    a  rather  adherents.     On  the  other  hand,  a  few 
MR.  PUNCH       SUPPLEMENTS.   8uspiciou8  i,our  jn  the  e 


early  morning. 

THE  EIVEK.  It  ls    notahle    also    for    a    statue    of 

IT  was  a  lucky  chance,  as  the  old  BOADICKA,  at  one  end  of  it,  qualifying  for 
lady  remarked,  that  set  the  Thames  j  St.  Thomas'  Hospital,  at  the  other  end, 
flowing  through  London  ;  for  otherwise  I  by  standing  wholly  without  support 


those  speculators  who  purchased  the 
County  Council  steamers  at  a  hun- 
dredth or  even  a  thousandth  part  of 
their  cost,  only  a  year  or  so  after  they 
were  built,  would  have  had  no  such 


in  a  chariot  drawn  by  prancing  horses. 

TEA  ON  THE  TERRACE. 
This  institution,  which  so  pleasingly 
illustrates    the     growing    amenity    of 


bargains ;  nor  would  the  sea-gulls  that  political  life  and  the  temperance  of 
in  the  winter  time  crowd  about  Black-  lour  times,  was  started  by  Mr.  KETTLE, 
friars  Bridge  obtain  anything  like  such  'M.P.,  and  Mr.  HORNIMAN,  late  M.P. 

j  for  Chelsea.      Or   it   would   be  more 
for  I  correct   to   say   that   they   revived   it, 


friends  of  the  Butterfly,  remembering 
certain  gleams  of  originality  in  his  talk 
and  behaviour,  cannot  but  hope  that  ho 
did  not  learn  quite  everything  lie  know 
from  his  youthful  associate.  Anyhow, 
between  them  they  gave  the  river  at 
Chelsea  a  huge  advertisement. 

THE  BOAT- RACE. 

Once  a  year  the  Thames  from  Putney 
to  Mortlake  is  given  up  to  the  inter- 
University  boat-race  between  Oxford 
and  Cambridge.  As  the  athletes  who 
have  taken  part  in  thesa  contests  in 
the  past  have  all  achieved  distinction 


good  nourishment  as  now. 

The   Thames   may    be   divided 

purposes' of  study  into  two  sections — |  since  there  is  evidence  that  gunpowder  j  either  as  Judges,  Bishops  or  Stock- 
the  river  below,  say,  Hammersmith  tea  was  first  introduced  at  the  Houses  brokers,  the  popularity  of  the  insti- 
Bridge,  and  the  river  above  it.  Below.it  of  Parliament  by  the  late  GUIEO  FAUX.  [  tution  maybe  readily  imagined.  The 


belongs  to  commerce; 
above,  to  pleasure. 
Below,  it  may  be  called 
docks  ;  above,  locks. 
It  is  the  lower  part  to 
which  Mr.  JOHN  BURNS 
was  referring  when  he 
epigrommatically  des- 
cribed the  Thames  as 
"liquid  history."  For 
that  is  what  it  is — 
liquid  history.  One  has 
but  to  look  at  or  even 
fall  into  it  to  know  that 
it  is  liquid ;  while,  as  for 
history,  are  not  the 
Tower  and  the  Houses 
of  Parliament  on  one 
bank,  and  Battersea 
Park  and  The  Leander 
Club  on'  the  other  ? 

BRIDGES. 

If  it  were  not  for  the 
bridges  that  span  this 
noble  strsam  it  is  con- 
jectured that  Middlesex 
and  Surrey  would  either 


"  WOT   DID  THE   LVDY   SAY   TO   YEE  w'EN   YER  TOOK   IT   IN?" 

"  NOTHINK." 

"WAS  THAT  ALL  SHE   SAID?" 

"  Yl'S,    EVEUVTHINK." 


fact  that  the  race  is 
always  rowed  on  the 
Thames  has,  of  course, 
placed  the  Cantabs  at  a 
dscided  disadvantage. 
The  first  mention  of 
sliding  seats  is  to  be 
found  in  the  poet 
SPENSER,  who  speaks 
of  the  "  silver  sliding 
Thames,"  though  some 
critics  see  in  the  word 
"sliding"  a  reference 
to  the  great  frost  in 
1515,  when  the  Thames 
was  frozen  over  and  oxen 
were  roasted  whole  on 
its  surface.  The  prac- 
tice of  roasting  oxen 
partially  was  given  up 
at  an  earlier  date,  in 
deference  to  humani- 
tarian protests. 

BOULTER'S  LOCK. 

The  original  Boulter 
who  gave  his  name  to 
this  famous  Sunday  re- 


never  meet  or  would  have  to  cross  in  <  Ceylon,  Assam,  India  and  China  tea1  sort  was  the  great  opponent  of  the 
boats.  But  as  it  is  they  mix  freely  with  j  are  all  provided;  and  we  understand  system  of  chewing  each  mouthful  of 
each  other,  thanks  to  this  great  boon,  that  a  very  remarkable  report  has  been  |  food  thirty  or  more  times.  In  his  dis- 
The  bridges  of  London  are  numerous,  |  made  on  the  relation  between  the  like  of  this  practice  he  went  to  the 
and  another  one  will  shortly  be  added  amount  of  tannin  in  the  tea  consumed  •  opposite  extreme  :  hence  his  name, 
as  soon  as  the  architects  and  experts  and  the  political  views  of  the  consumer, 
have  finished  wrangling  over  its  i  It  is  worthy  of  note  that  the  reporters 
position  and  the  exact  amount  of  St.  |  of  the  Eadical  papers  generally  charge 
Paul's  Cathedral  which  those  who  their  fountain  pens  with  cocoa  nibs, 
cross  it  from  south  to  north  are  to  see  ' 

CHELSEA  AND  BATTERSEA. 


in  their  progress. 

Of  those  already  in  existence  the 
Tower  Bridge  is  at  once  the  lowest 
and  the  loftiest.  There  is  no  bridge 
between  tliat  and  the  open  and  often 
exceedingly  unquiet  sea.  Just  below 


SPORT. 

Within  the  memory  of  many  living 
Londoners  excellent  sport  was  enjoyed 
on  the  banks  of  the  great  metropolitan 


waterway.     Badgers  nested  in  Pimlico 
These  two  riverside  townships  one ',  as  late   as   tha   year   1866,  and   snipe 


on  either  side  of  the  Thames  were  dis- 
covered, as  picturesque  spots,  either  by 
the  late  J.  McNEiLL  WHISTLER  or  Mr. 


were  shot  in  Battersea  fields  by  Mr. 
JOHN  BURNS  at  a  much  later  date. 
Buzzards  were  also  a  common  sight, 


WALTER  GREAVES.     No  one  knows  for  •  but  the  last  migrated  to  Oxford  Street 


the  Tower  Bridge  is  the  Pool  of  London,  'certain  ;  but  very  strong  opinions  are  a  few  years  ago.  The  river  itself  was 
where  old  Father  Thames  has  his  held.  The  idea  that  WHISTLER  could !  formerly  stocked  with  a  profusion  of 
clothes  made ;  and  then  come  the  have  discerned  any  beauty  for  himself  i  nutritious  fish,  but  no  salmon  have 
docks.  London  Bridge  is  famous  for .  or,  unaided,  have  hit  upon  the  idea ;  been  caught  in  the  London  district 
having  once  had  houses  on  it.  West- ,  of  the  nocturne  is  so  grotesque  that '  since  the  splendid  specimen  captured 
minster  Bridge  for  the  poet  WORDS-  !  naturally  the  GREAVES  party  has  many;  a  few  years  ago  by  Mr.  GLUCKSTEIN. 


JUNK  28,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


505 


"Bui  DON'T  YOU  FIND  IT  A  LIT  DULL  HE  UK  ?" 

"DULL   la   lit     DIVIL  A  BIT,  SOUR;   sums  A  BAISOKABLE  MAN   CAN  FIXD  ALL  THE  HEIGHTII  OF  DIVABSHUN  JUST  SITTIIT' 
HERE  WATCHIN'  THE  TMUAINS  oo  BY." 

"AND  HOW  MANY  TRAINS  ARE  THEI'.E  A  DAY  »"  "JUST  THE   WAN,    SoEE.'' 


OUR    BOOKING    OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned-derlcs.) 

I  RECOMMEND  to  your  particular  notice  a  collection  of 
stories  under  the  title  of  Members  of  the  Family  (MAC- 
MILLAN).  Even  if  they  were  not  from  the  pen  that  wrote 
The  Virginian,  I  would  none  the  less  heartily  commend 
them.  Mr.  OWEN  WISTEK  does  not  and,  I  think,  could  not 
claim  to  be  a  deep  psychologist  or  a  subtle  analyst  of  human 
motives ;  like  many  other  Americans,  he  is  in  that  business 
frankly  sentimental  and  not  often  correct.  But  his  imagin- 
ation and  the  creatures  of  it  are  a  positive  delight:  his 
sense  of  atmosphere  is  perfect ;  his  style  is  so  effortless  and 
unlaboured  as  to  lead  you  to  believe  that  writing  books  is 
a  matter  of  the  greatest  ease :  and  his  "  In  the  Back  "  is  as 
good  as  the  best  of  EUDYARD  KIPLING  or  BRET  HABTE  or 
whatever  writer  of  English  you  regard  as  the  master  of  the 
art  of  the  Short  Story.  He  tells  us  of  the  untamed  West, 
the  Cowboy,  the  Tenderfoot,  the  Indian,  and  in  particular  of 
Scipio,  the  undaunted,  undefeated  and  incomparable  Scipio 
Le  Moyne.  Herein  is  my  only  quarrel  with  the  clever 
illustrations  of  Mr.  H.  T.  DUNN.  The  Scipio  of  his 
picture  is  an  excellent  individual,  but  not  my  idea  of  that 
humorous  vagabond.  I  doubt  if  he  (or  any  other  of  Mr. 
WiSTiiR's  people)  is  capable  of  being  illustrated.  They  do 
not  belong  to  this  cold  and  unpractical  world.  They  are  a 
delicious  race  apart,  not  born  to  be  criticised  but  created 
to  be  laughed  with  and  loved.  The  author  in  his  preface 


asks  if  we  will  forgive  him  a  preamble  of  gossip,  of  retro- 
spection. For  my  part,  I  will  forgive  him  anything 
provided  he  never  allows  me  to  forget  him. 


Dr.  FABQUHARSON,  having  retired. from  Parliament  with 
the  well-earned  guerdon  of  a  Privy  Councillorship,  a  dis- 
tinction that  satisfied  the  desire  alike  of  Sir  EGBERT  PEEL 
and  Mr.  GLADSTONE,  has  written  some  memories  of  his  life 
In  and  Out  of  Parliament  (WILLIAMS  and  NORGVTE).  The 
story  opens  with  chapters  descriptive  of  life  in  Edinburgh, 
with  the  Guards,  with  whom  he  served  as  Medical  Oflicer, 
at  Eugby  under  TEMPLE,  and  of  social  life  in  his  native 
county,  Aberdeenshire,  which  he  represented  at  Westminster 
for  twenty-six  years.  These  last  comprise  a  momentous 
epoch  compared  with  which  our  present  prosaic  Parliament, 
albeit  engaged  upon  what  is  described  as  revolutionary 
procedure,  is  as  water  unto  wine.  The  Member  for  West 
Aberdeenshire  did  not  take  prominent  or  persistent 
part  in  debate.  But  he  was  in  constant  attend- 
ance, and  when  he  interposed  was  listened  to  with 
that  attention  the  House  reserves  for  special  favourites. 
If  a  fault  may  be  hinted  at  in  a  book  full  of  charm  it  is 
that  it  is  a  little  monotonously  good-natured.  To  the 
genial  Doctor  everyone  is  the  best  of  good  fellows,  living 
in  the  very  best  of  worlds.  It  must  be  said  that  the 
sentiment  was  reciprocated,  every  section  and  party 
delighting  in  the  Doctor.  The  book  contains  several  por- 
traits, some  reproduced  from  these  pages.  The  most 


50l> 


PUNCH,   Oil  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


striking  is  a  photograph  labelled  "The  Doctor  Speaking 
at  Finzean."  The  orator  is  presented  in  the  High- 
land garb  always  worn  among  his  own  people.  Bare- 
licailoil,  with  hand  outstretched,  ho  addresses  the  throng. 
Tli3  poculiarity  of  the  situation  is  that  it  is  represented 
by  a  single  figures  partly  obssured  behind  an  empty 
chair.  The  general  effect  is  almost  uncanny — the 
animated  orator  and  a  vanished  audience,  apparently 
swept  out  of  the  garden  by  the  torrent  of  eloquence 
falling  from  the  lips  of  the  Hon.  Member. 


For  my  part,  whenever  nowadays  I  see  the  name  of 
Mr.  GEOHGK  A.  BIRMINGHAM  on  a  title-page,  I  already  begin 
to  chuckle,  knowing  that  I  shall  certainly  have  to  do  so 
before  I  have  read  half  a  chapter,  though  with  quite  a 
possibility  that-  at  the  end  I  shall  look  back  and  reflest 
that  there  was  not 
much  to  laugh  at 
in  the  thing  after 
all.  This  is  exactly 
what  has  happened 
in  the  present  in- 
stance—only  alittle 
more  so.  You  re- 
member, of  course, 
the  quaint  persons 
who  lived  at  Ba'.ly- 
moy — Major  Kent, 
and  the  managing 
curato  /.  /.  Meldon , 
and  the  rest  of 
them  ?  Naturally 
you  do.  Well,  in 
their  latest  story, 
Major  Kent  heard 
that  an  unknown 
niece  was  to  spend 
six  weeks  with  him, 
and  after  /.  J.  has 
prepared  the  in- 
habitants of  Bally- 
moy  for  a  fashion- 
able beauty  there 
arrives  a  grubby 
but  attractive 
little  tomboy  of 
ten,  who  chases 
the  major's  colts, 
pirates  his  yacht, 
and  generally 
makes  things  so  lively  that  before  a  week  is  out  her  mother 
has  to  be  wired  for  from  Vienna  to  remove  her.  That,  I 
give  you  my  word,  is  the  entire  plot  of  The  Major's  Niece 
(SMITH,  ELDER).  Had  it  been  written  by  anyone  else,  I 
would  not  have  done  him  or  her  the  injustice  of  telling 
it  all  to  you  in  this  bare  fashion ;  but,  knowing  Mr. 
BIRMINGHAM'S  peculiar  gift,  you  can  imagine,  and  will 
certainly  want  to  enjoy  for  yourself,  the  riot  of  fun  that 
he  creates  out  of  such  slender  material.  Still,  I  have  not 
hidden  my  feeling  that  there  might  have  been  a  little 
more  in  the  intrigue  with  advantage  to  the  tale  (I  was 
d  sappointed,  for  example,  when  the  visit  of  the  Lord- 
Lieutenant  passed  off  so  quietly,  quite  against  what  up 
to  the  last  moment  had  been  my  pleased  anticipation) ; 
but  the  fact  that,  even  so,  it  was  never  boring  serves  to 
increase  my  admiration  for  its  author. 


'(ARNOLD)  ever  felt  weighted  by  their  frequent  tragedies, 
shadowed  by  their  long,  gray  days,  and  more  than  a  little 
bittered  by  their  strident  pleasures  and  the  poignant 
odours  of  their  refreshments,  there  is  no  trace  of  it  in  this 
finely  sympathetic  record  of  adventure  on  the  Surrey  side. 
There  is,  indeed,  a  sane  and  all  but  jolly  optimism,  be- 
gotten not  of  compliicant  ignorance  but  of  knowledge 
hard-won  and  at  first-hand.  Of  such  come  the  chivalrous 
hopes  that  alone  breed  action.  Not  much  scope,  of  course, 
for  direct  humour  in  a  theme  of  which  the  text  is — "  the 
blight  which  kills  half  a  garden's  roses  surely  spoils  the 
rest " ;  but,  as  in  the  life  this  chronicle  describes,  so  here 
there  is  laughter  to  set  against  the  tears,  and  there  are  the 
kindling  virtues  of  courage,  pity  and  love;  not  a  touch 
of  self-conscious  sentimentalism,  but  shrewd  strokes  of 

j  criticism  and  some  tentative,  wise  suggestions.  A  work 

most  emphatically 
for  the  book-lists 


of  the  Agenda  Club. 


BEYOND    THE    PALE. 

JotUS.    "I   SAT,    I   HEARD  AN  AWFULLY  FUNNY  THING  THE  OTUKIl   DAY."   (Proceeds  to  recite 

mild  and  mildewed  chestnut  at  great  length.) 

Jim.   "AH!  THAT  REMINDS  MB  OF  A  MAN  I  ONCE  MET  IN  NYASALAND." 
Jones  (without  interest).  "\VIIAT  ABOUT  HIM?" 

Jim.     "Ou,    NOTHING  J  ONLY   IIE  'D  NEVEB.  HEAED  THAT  STORY   OF  YOUES   BEFORE." 


Mr.  ALEXANDER  PATERSON   during    his    self-chosen 
>nt    We    among    his    friends    Across     the    Bridges 


The  Ireland  of 
Where  the  Sham- 
rock Grows  (MUR- 
RAY AND  EVENDEN) 
is  the  Ireland  of 
to-day.  The  "  rale 
ould  shtock  "  have 
emigrated  or  disap- 
peared or  deterio- 
rated, and  their 
place  has  been 
taken  by  prosper- 
ous tradesmen,  at- 
torneys and  squir- 
eens. As  for  the 
squireen,  Mr. 
GEOKGE  H. JESSOP 
gives  us  a  very 
graphic  description 
of  him  through  the 
mouth  of  Larry, 
an  old  retainer  of 
the  Caleb  Balder- 
stone  type : — " A 
squireen 's  not  a 
gintleman  —  not 
but  what  he  dresses 
like  one;,  an'  he's 
not  a  farmer — not 
but  what  he  talks 
like  one  ;  he  has  more  impidence  nor  an  attorney  an'  less 
manners  nor  a  chimney  sweep."  It  is  characteristic  of 
the  book  that  even  the  heroine  owes  her  fortune — and  her 
isolation — to  whisky.  On  the  other  hand,  we  have  for  hero 
an  Irishman  of  good  family  who  has  taken  to  journalism 
in  California  and  returns  home  to  straighten  out  the  affairs 
of  his  sister-in-law  and  nephew.  Everybody  takes  it  for 
granted  that  he  is  a  millionaire,  and  when  the  heroine 
discovers  the  truth  she  writes  him  down  most  unjustly  as 
a  fortune-hunter.  The  author's  style  is  at  times  old- 
fashioned — modern  young  men  do  not  call  ladies  on  horse- 
back "fair  equestriennes". — and  his  treatment  recalls  the 
manner  of  LEVER,  though  it  lacks  the  high  animal  spirits 
of  LEVER'S  early  novels.  The  dreadful  squireen,  Mat 
O'Hara,  dominates  three-fourths  of  the  book,  and  his  violent 
end  only  increases  his  prominence.  Ireland,  as  depicted  by 
Mr.  JESSOP,  is,  we  fear,  "a  grand  country  to  live  out  of." 
But,  though  his  novel  cannot  be  pronounced  exhilarating,  it 
is  pleasantly  written  and  deserves  better  paper  and  binding. 


JUNE  28.  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


607 


Mr,  Punch  is  discovered  at  his  case,  conversing  lightly  in  hexameters  with  his  friend  Summer. 

Scene. — Out  of  it.      Time. — Afterwards. 

MR.  PUNCH. 

So  it  is  over  at  last — the  thousand  and  one  preparations ; 
Seats,  and  the  booking  of  seats,  and  the  renting  of  ruinous  windows; 
Stating  for  two  in  the  Mall,  with  sherry  and  biscuits  included, 
Changed  on  the  same  afternoon  to  four  in  the  Strand  for  the  Friday. 

SUMMER. 

Here  in  the  country  is  rest,  long  rest  for  the  worn  and  the  weary — 
Eest  for  the  weary  who  watched  from  a  full-sized  window  in  Whitehall ; 
Best  for  the  weary  who  started  from  Mitcham  at  three  in  the  morning, 
Stood  in  the  gutter  for  hours,  and  returned  to  their  Mitcham  at  midnight. 

MB.  PUNCH. 

So  it  is  over  at  last — the  tumult,  the  cheers  and  the  shouting, 
Fired  is  the  ultimate  rocket  and  banged  the  last  of  the  crackers, 
Down  to  its  smouldering  depths  is  burnt  the  biggest  of  bonfire3, 
Broke  is  the  lustiest  voice  with  singing  the  National  Anthem. 

SUMMER. 

Here  in  the  country  is  rest— and  an  absence  of  ha'penny  papers 

Painting  the  "  Crowds  on  the  Route  "  and  the  "  Scene  in  Westminster  Abbey  " ; 

Nothing,  in  fact,  to  recall  the  Tremendous  Event  which  is  over — 

Saving  the  children's  mugs  and  the  Pump  unveiled  by  the  Vicar. 

MB.  PUNCH. 

Well,  it  is  over — and  now,  suppose  we  distribute  the  prizes. 
Who  has  contributed  most  in  support  of  this  wonderful  season  ? 


508 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


SUMMER. 
Why  not  TKEIH  MAJESTIES? 

MR.  PUNCH, 

True.     But  that  may  be  taken  for  granted. 
Modesty  also  prevents  my  suggesting  an  eminent  person 
Famed  for  his  wisdom  and  wit  as  shown  ev'ry  week  on  a  Wednesday. 
Leaving  them  out  I  should  say  that — in  spite  of  the  plaints  of  the  farmers- 
Most  of  our  happiness,  Summer,  my  dear,  has  been  due  to  the  weather. 

SUMMER. 

What  I  have  done  I  have  done,  not  looking  for  thanks  from  the  farmers  ; 

Wholly  at  times  like  these  my  thoughts  are  fixed  upon  London. 

Lo,  my  breezes  have  played  on  the  fair  green  valleys  of  Maida ; 

Deep  in  the  heart  of  St.  John's  dense  thickets  my  radiance  entered  ; 

Up  to  my  dark  blue  vault  the  peaks  of  Netting  have  pointed, 

Near  where  the  rippling  waters  of  Bays  have  smiled  in  my  sunlight. 

Mn.  PUNCH. 

Yes,  and  what  thanks  do  you  get  ?     What  comments  appear  in  the  pap3rs  ? 
"Hints  upon  how  to  keep  cool  in  the  present  unbearable  heat-wave." 
So  let  me  offer  you  mine  :    my  thanks  for  the  sun  you  have  sent  us  ; 
Also  this  trifle,  a  light  little  thing  of  my  own  composition — 
Partly  by  way  of  reward  and  partly  as  bribe  for  the  future. 


SUMMER. 
Surely  you  don't  mean  to  say  it 's  your 

T\rtV     T>F- 


Mr.  PUNCH. 


Take,  if  you  please,  with  my  love  my 


Madam,  I  see  that  you  've  guessed 


Due  Jpitntrrrir  anir  J0rtidlj  iolmm. 


JUNE  28,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIAIM YAIJI. 


509 


Cartoons. 


PAUTKIURE,  BEKNAIID. 

After  the  Potsdam  Overture 47 

All  in  due  Course  101 

Arming  of  the  King  (The)  415 

Coronation  Year 11 

Disarmageddon  227 

l)octor(The)    4<Jl 

HeriUga  (The)    481 

Kind's  Highway  (The) 137 

I*  Belle  Alliance  83 

Late  Again  325 

Little-Navy  Kxlnl.it  (A) 209 

Mast<>r  of  the  Situation    405 

New  Profession  (The)  386 

Old  Order  Changing  (The) 2«5 


Ar.MITAGE,  G.  W. 

•'Comment " 500 

ATKKY,  UEKTRAM. 

Little  Hen  (The)  332 

A'BKCKKTT,  P. 

Patent  Military  Hat  Trunk  (The). .  3C9 
I'l'.siimitl),  H.  H. 

Glurinus  Kirst  (The)    448 

BBXTHEBTON,  C.  II. 

Cocktail  Colloquies   ......  398,  448,  458 

London  Lyre  (A)   479 

To  Methuselah    100 

liooni,  J.  L.  C. 
N>w  School  of  War  (The) 33 

l.KKN,   J.  T. 

1l;il|.years  with  the  best  Authors..  170 

Mr.  ranch's  Academy  Notes S5t> 

Mr.  Punch's  Medical  Notes    82 

Si  ndii-s  in  the  Higher  Journalism  .  SSI 

Yiildish  for  Politicians 61 

I'\MI']IKI.I..  I.KKALD. 
Our  Booking-OHIco       86,103141,274, 

834,  401),  4(10 

Simple  Shepherd  (The) 4C 

I'AuuicK,  HARTLEY. 

(ili">ts  of  I'aper ...  2 

Home  from  Home  (A) 23 

I. asl  Illusion  (Thn)    8 

To  Dorothy 291 

C'HAI.MKKS,    P.   R. 

Awa  frao  Gowrie    392 

1!  nid  Street 3  i4 

Caller  (The) 370 

Dandelion  (The) 402 

I'.tn-I>  pes 231 

P»H«  oeontWeir    488 

To  a  bcbut  into  4<>0 

TIP  a  Terrier 53 

T.I  the  Perennial  Rabbit 9j 

Tropic*!  Bird  Book  (A)    lag 

HTli..]     31 

I'll  (in  Kcloj;ne(An) 444 

DAVY,  H.  N. 

Orator  to  his  Tub  (The)   1 


PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD. 

Perfect  "  Sitter  "  (A) 191 

Preambulator(The)  65 

Putting  a  Good  Face  OP  i 215 

Quid  pro  Quo H8 

Resignation 1 1!> 

lit.  Hon.  Caligula  (The)   805 

Stiffening  their  Necks 155 

Tale  of  Two  Parliaments  (A) 173 

Thorns  In  the  Woolsack  344 

"Tight  Little  Island  (A)" 49S 

Victorias  -  Ars  -  Victrix 365 

RAVEN-HILL,  L. 

After  the  Revels    


502 


RAVEN-HILL,  L. 

Another  Declaration  of  London   . .  93 

Arrested  Development 219 

Bitter  Cry  of  the  Undesirable  (The)  29 

Bringing  down  the  House  357 

Calling  out  the  Reserve  Cuvce 297 

Campbells  are  Going  (The) 837 

Delight  of  Battle  with  his  Peers  . .  237 

Exile  Supplanted  (The)    39 

Free  Hand  (A)    817 

Good  Working  Name  (A) 397 

I  mperial  Defence  Club  (The) 377 

More  Favoured  Nation  (The) Ill 

New  Haroun  al  Raschid  (The)  ....  57 

New  Movement  (The)  12  J 


Articles. 


DE  HAMEL,  H.  G. 

False  Stop  (The) 133 

Greatest  Little  Lion  (The) 92 

Oversight  (The) 26 1 

Recognition  [The) :!50 

DENNIS,  E..  M. 

Ingratitude  of  Edwin  (The)    371 

Cr.EswELL,  BHC.KEI.EY 

Footer  Mart  (The) 135 

ErKERSLKY,  A.. 

London  Episodes  456 

Our  Booking-Omce       . .    18,  5 1,  72,  90, 

128,  162.  180,  UPS,  254,':  14,  353,  3J4, 

874,  394,  413,  414,  470,  439,  506 

ELIAS,  F.  W. 

Men  with  a  Future    292 

Smart  Set  (The) 275 

EMANUEL,  WALTER,      i 

Battle  of  London  (The)    31 

Celehbity'iThe) 240 

Clmrivaria (weekly) 

Daring  Rescue  in  the  City 32 

Fire-Anns  Danger  (The) 292 

FAY,  STANLEY  J. 

Cynic's  Tragedy  (The) 261 

Daily  Evening's  Prize  Coronation 

Ode  (The) 437 

Election  Sequels    106 

Mr.  Punch's  Literary  Advts...  230,  3<M 

Pastures  New 390 

Penelope's  Story    269 

Silly  Slugabed    189 

To  a  Vanished  Villain   55 

FISII,  BLAIR. 

Art  in  Hie  Bathroom    141 

Coronation  Complaint  (A)      .        .  333 

Devilry  or  Disease? 179 

Feline  Influenza  (The) il7 

House  on  Holiday  (The) 2-'l 

MoreM.C.C.  Laws MS 

Sensational  Winkle  Case  ^The)      ..   -J'JJ 

Fl.INlnFK.   KlT  H. 
Loyalty  Up-to-dats  244 

GARVEY.  IN  A. 

Blanche's  Letters 201,  300,  433 


GAVIN,  W. 

Farming  Notes    

GOODWIN,  E.  Jl. 

Measure  for  Measure    

GRAVES,  C.  L.,  AND  LUCAS,  E.  V 

Advance  of  Asqui  h  (The)  

All  Girls   

Ancestor  Worship  Extraordinary. . 

Art  Note* 

At  the  Hoval  

ItriHxlings  of  Camberley  (The)  .... 

Butler  Scandalises  (The) 

Coronation  Nightmare  (A) 

I  ii>-keMs  "  Post-marks  "  

-  Diva's  First  Break-down  (The) 

First  Impressions 319, 

Great  Addled  Review  (The)   

Crumliler's  Corner  (The) 

Harold  in  India  

Holme's  Truth    

How  to  Become 

How  to  Humanize  the  landscape 

In  Memoriam— Samuel  Henry 
Butcher 

Leaving  Nothing  to  Chance    

Lyra  Ineptiarum    

Marringe  i  la  Mode    

Masterpiece  i  if  the  Age  (Tne)    .... 

Momus  and  Plaster 

Mr.  Bainberger's  Chevelure    

Mr.  Punch's  Literary  Advertise- 
ments   

Mr.  Punch's  S|PonKe-bog  Cookery.. 

Mr.  Punch's  Supplement 290,  i 

3£i,  352,37-',  302,  412, 

Music 

Neo-Prandialism    

New  Musical  Criticism  (The) 

Office  Pain  (The) 

Our  Debt  to  Mr.  Dott 

Our  New  Patricians 

Our  Seasonable  SymiKisium    

Phantasms  of  the  Living 

Photographer's  Post- Bag  (A) 

Record  \ovi-list 

Rnbber.soled  Russians  (The) 

S  itisf ,-ietory  Noblemen 


RAVEN-HILL,  L. 

No  Friends  like  Old  Friends 188 

Pax    Germanica;    or,   the  Teuton 

Dovecote 257 

Proud  Parent  (A)  75 

Reciprocity 147 

Sail!  ASail(A)!       10! 

Sense  and  Sentiment    277 

Soft  Thing  (A) 453 

Suburban  Loyalists  (The)   473 

Towards  the  Rapprochement S 

White-House  Man's  Burden  (The).  201 

TOWNSEND,  F.  H. 

Blind  Side  (The) Zl 


GRAVES,  C.  L.,  AND  LUCAS,  E.  V. 

School  for  Variety  (The) 100 

Secrets  of  the  Prison- llousB 14,  24 

Seen  in  the  Shops 181 

Statesmen  Unbent    811 

Study  for  a  Popular  Ballad M 

Swankera  Again  (The) 87 

Talks  with  the  Great    116 

Threatened  Billiard  Dead  lock    ....    42 

Time  and  the  Place  (The)    273 

Was    Clement    Shorter    ever     in 

St.  Helena? 60 

Well-bred  Notes 159 

What  became  of  Lady  Tenzle 303 

Who  's  for  CosU  llica  ? 468 

GREY,  G.  D. 
Reflections ..  253 

GUI-BRIE,  ANSTEY. 

Acclimatised  Colonial  (An)    200 

At  the  Sign  of  the  Harrow  128, 146,  164 

Novel  of  the  Future  (The)  78 

When  we  all  had  a  Thousand   a 
Year ! 52 

HAM. AM.  RALI-H. 

Coronation  (The)    449 

Derring-do    243 

E  PluribttsUna 373 

O.H.M.S 498 

OurLift    17 

HERIIERT,  A.  P. 

Awakening  (The)   168 

Duty  among  Thieves 249 

Green  Peril  (The) 891 

Mr.  Punch's  Literary  Advts.  . .  185.  849 
To  my  Partner  for  the  Next  Dance  143 

HoDOKINSON,  T. 

Another  Libel 891 

Fatal  Drawback  (The) 89 

Sensitive  Craftsman  (A) 203 

To  the  Modern  Quack  89 

HOI-KINS,  E.  T. 
Argumen turn  ad  Hominem 85 

HUGHES,  C.  E. 

Our  Booking-office 86,  7'.  144, 

281,  274,  314,  354,  413,  414,  490 


510 


JENKINS,  ERNEST. 

Calendar  Comfort 125 

Check-m  >te 401 

Discovery  of  Mai  (The) Sffil 

HeroSp  aks  (The) 194 

Novelties  at  the  Academy  884 

Resolutiou  aud  Retribution 9 

KKICWIN,  R,  P. 

Saluti  l:i  Jtuuesse    920 

KENDALL,  CAITAIN. 

Appeal  (An) 485 

Coronation  Chair  (The)    446 

Lines    on   Seeing    Some    Coronets 
I  i^played  in  a  Piccadilly  Window  197 

Politics  of  Meuya  (The)  260 

To  *  Hairpin  82 

To  the  Pavilion  Clock 49 

KIRK,  LAWRENCE. 
Towser 70 

KNOX,  E.  G.  V. 

An  Error  in  Diet    251 

Defence  of  the  Feline  (The)    206 

Discovered — a  Super-Hero 824 

Eyesore  (The) 443 

Golfer's  Kzcus.' (Tin-)    279 

Great  White  Sale  (The)    154 

Homo  ex  Machin4 113 

How  to  Keep  Cool 4-0 

Invocation— A  Dream  (The)  302 

Last  Chance  (The) 10 

Lines  to  a  "London  Particular"  ..  104 

Maud 401 

MyAlman:tc 7 

Not  Cricket 170 

Novel  of  the  Season  (The 50 

Obstructers  of  Truffle  iTlie)   271 

Ordo  Equf>stri«  43 

Our  Booking-Office   18,54,90,108 

128,  162,  180,  234,  294,  314,  353,  374, 
3.»4,  470,  489 

Parted 311 

Perfect  Confidant  (The) 281 

Poet's  Resolve  (The) 272 

Stolen  Reed  (The) 465 

To  One  iu  Sorrow  59 

To  the  Food  of  the  Gods 389 

To  the  GoJ  of  Love   236 

Undying  name  (The)  336 

Vice  Unrewarded  495 

LANGLEY,  F.  0. 

Burning  Grievance  (A)    158 

Crowning  of  James  the  Second ....  448 

Cure(The)    159 

Eye  to  the  Future  (An)    281 

Great  Mind  at  Work  (The) 288 

Inevitable  Warde  (The)   488 

Kneebags  (The) 194 

Love-Letter  (The; , 4M 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 
Articles—  continued. 


LANGI.EY,  F.  0. 

Love-Song  (A)     

Martyrs  (The) 

Our  Booking-office   ..   18.  72,  108, 

162,  180,  216,  234,  254,  274,  331, 

374,  391,  414,  470,  4if 

Postal  Intelligence    

Postscript  (The) 

Raconteur  (The) 

Rendezvous  (The) 

True  Love 

Unhappy  Mean  (The)    

What  the  Bye  Donsn't  See 

Wisdom  of  the  Male  ;The) 

LKHMANN,  R.  0. 

All  the  Preparations 404,  452, 

Children's  Party  (The) 

Crew  (The)   

Crownment  (The) 

I  >''^<  ncracy  of  Boys  (The)   

Gelort    

Goose  (The) 

In  the  Grip 

Last  Cock-Pheasant  (The) 

Manners  from  Oregon 

More  Manners  from  Oregon    

My  Aunt's  Insurance  

Stories  for  Uncles  .  133,  170,  182, 
236,  256,  276,  816,  330, 

Thoughts  of  a  Coronation  Collar- 
Stud  

Trapped 

LlSSANT,  S.  P. 

Haunting  Face  (A) 

LUCY,  SIR  H.  W. 

Essence  of  Parliament. .     103,121, 
157,  175.  1!I3,  211,  229,  247,  2ii7, 
607,  827, 347,  307,  384, 407,  444,  483, 
Our  Booking-Office  ..    86,54,126, 
216,  254,  469, 
LULTIAM,  II. 

Day  of  Miracles  (The)  .  

Oliver 

MARTIN,  N.  R. 

Correspondence     of     an      Inland 

Revenue  Official  (The) 

Little  Towns  (The)   

MENZIES,  G.  K. 

Englishman's  Home  f  An)   .. 

Intelligent  Method  (The) 

Ough 

Sour  Grapes 

MILNE,  A   A. 

Adventurer  (The) 33" 

At  the  Play     . . . .  1 6,  1 77,  232,  ?3 : ,  350 

Altruist  (The) r..   152 

Commemoration .'.'..  242 


853. 
i,  605 
56 


KM 

47'J 
80 
96 
4'.i-.' 
Ki-l 
201 
88 
lid 
67 
50 
2M 

an 

224, 
300 

44.-> 

214 

379 

139, 
287. 
,503 
198, 

so;, 

411 


MILNE,  A.  A. 

Disillusioned  214 

Finishing  Touches  (The) 262 

Half-Told  Tale  (A) 222 

Little  Plays 44,  6 J,  80,  06,  114 

Lucky  Month  (Tlic) 168 

Our  Uooking-Ofnce   90,3^4,354 

Our  Coronation  Ode 342 

Point  of  View  (The) 402 

Portuguese  Cigar  (The)  302 

Season's  Prospects  (The) 282 

Simple  Life  (The) S->\ 

Stalf  of  Life  (The) 13-' 

Ten  and  Eight    478 

Theory  and  Practice 18(1 

Topic  of  the  Night  (The) 30-' 

Twice-Told  Tale  (A) 20 

Year's  Prospects  (The; b 

Munt,  WARD. 

Authority 4.r>d 

Observations  on  Ski-ir.g 34 

MoTr,  CONSTANCE. 

Po-to 250 

OOILVIE,  W.   11. 

Bumpy 375 

Little  Fat  Boy  (The) 10 

Second  Whip  Explains  (The) 64 

PHILLIPS,  GoliDON        •> 

Appallin  :  Contingency  (An) 390 

Purist.  (The) !".' 

Undesirable  Alien  (An)   41 

POPE,  JESSIE. 

Bouncing  Ball  fThe) 293 

Double-Faced  Devotion 260 

Grave  Oversight  (A) 395 

Lining  the  "  llowte"    442 

"Saison  Kusse"    340 

Tonsure  Touch  (The)    231 

KIGBY,  REGINALD. 

Aftermath    496 

Garden  Notes 283 

IIOWAN,  II ILL. 

Culture  Market  (The)  359 

Plights  of  Imagination 391 

This  Week's  Biota 3^3 

RUTTER,  Ott'EJf. 
Feuilleton  Examination  (A)  25 

SEAFORTH,  E.  A. 

Crimlna' (The) 105 

Siding  (The) 487 

SEAMAN,  OWEN. 

Answers  to  Correspondents    56 

At  the  Play   ..15,  34,  88.  124.  140,  160 
•     178, 196,  232.  252.  312,  330,  300, 410,  406 

Cocoa  Scandal  (The) 182 

Detachment  of  Prtnderby  (The)  . .  218 


[JUNE  28,  1911. 


SEAMAN,  OWEN. 

First  Fruits  of  Covent  Garden S32 

Hades    181 

Hint  from  Elsinore  (A)    306 

Holiday  Gamble  (A) . 2% 

Holt  fiom  the  Blue  (A)    2 

Humours  of  Annexation 146 

Ladies' Referendum  (A) 20 

Life's  Little  Ironies 266,  270 

Of    a     Well-Kuottn    Parrot    now 

Moribund 110 

Of  Fancy  Dressing    876 

Our  Booking-Office      816,  274,  2'J4,  313 

Parrot  Htvives  (The)    128 

Ilomeo  to  Juliet 492 

Sad  Case  of  ih  «  Father  of  Pdleas. .  370 

Semolina  and  the  Germ  (The)    200 

Thought!  of  the  Coining  Census    74,  92 

To  til,!  King   418 

To  the  late  Noah  Webster   164 

To  William  Sliakspeare    472 

Tragedy  <  f  Lhn  Tube  (A) 356 

Triumph  of  Truth  (The) 88 

Uses  ol  the  Festival  of  Empire  ....  316 

SlIAKPLEY,  IICGO. 

Endemic  (An) 2C3 

SINCLAIR,  M.  A. 

My  Son  John  260 

SMITH,  BERTRAM. 

B.lliard  Forecast  (The)    288 

Calendar  R,-foi  m       463 

Mug  Market  (The) 476 

Rubber  Bath  (The) 408 

Winter  Sport  for  Tax-Payers 08 

SMITH,  C.  TDRLEY. 

Our  Booking-Office    . .    36,  72,  126,  180, 
234,  254,  294,  374,  4!>0 

SMITH,  E.  B. 

Was  Julius  Cresar  ever  in  London?  &0 
Sl'ENDEll,  B.  E. 

Hosy  150 

SYKES,  A.  A. 

Dunmow  Doodle-D<io  (The)    154 

Too- Early  Birds  (The) 122 

Tt'R'EI!,  D. 

Misplaced 333 

Perfection's  Price 293 

WTESTBI:OOK;  H. 

Sid  Bclgrabit  ...  500 

WHITE,  R.  F. 

Anus  and  the  Ass 475 

For  orn  Hope  (A) 497 

Lover  on  the  Links  (The)    207 

Kesolution  (A) 160 

"Sport"  (So  to  Speak)    221 


Pictures  and  Sketches. 


ARMOUR,  G.  DEXHOI.M  ...  15,  23,  53,  71,  89, 
104,  125,  131,  153,  172,  197,  215,  233,  253, 
264,  281,  295,  324,  351,  369,  411,  445,  469, 

48? 

BAU.MER,  LEWIS   ...   27,  61,  79,  115,  187,  208, 
235,  440,  441,  455 

BAYNES,  PiiiLir 113,  311 

BIRD,  W.  ...  169,  181,  216,  217,  355,  380,  451 

BIAIKLEY,  ERNEST .' 394 

BOOTH,  J.  L.  C.    ...   7,  33,  51,  55,  68,  81,  109, 

143,  249,  275,  301,  373,  381,  399,  447,  470, 

480,  484,  496,  506 

BUCHANAN   FREII 159,254,375 

OONACHER,  J 505 

FAUWIG,  R.  D 108 

GOODMAN,  MOON 291 

GREEN,  P.  E 314 

HARRISON,  CHARLES  489 

HASELDEN,  W.  K.  ...  15,  16,  34,  88,  140,  160, 
177,  178,  196,  232,  252,  312,  330,  350,  370. 

410,  466 

HOPE,  E.  S 476 

HOWELL,  ALFRED 80 

K.NO,  GUNNING   ...   17,  43,  69,  161,  329,  349, 

403 

LONGMIRE,  R.  0.  ..' 320 

LOUGHRIDGE,  H.  G 163 

Low,  HAKKY    280 

LUNT,  WILMOT    6,  240 

MILLAR,  H.  R 19,  291 

MILLS,  A.  WALLIS...  10,  35,  87,  117,  135,  149 

167,  189.  203,  231,  239,  259,  315,  351,  371, 

401,  449,  457,  485 


MORRISON,  J.  A.  C. 50 

MOREOAV,  GEORGE  18,  36,  54,  72,  107,  126,  144, 
162,  180,  1S8,  213,  234,  263,  293,  300.  313, 
334,  354,  374,  393,  414,  450,  459,  490,  4.>1 

NORRH;  A. 24   91 

OWEN,  WILL  .'  43 


PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD    1 

PEARCE,  VEKNON 437 

PEARS,  CHARLES...  25,  123,  145,  179.  195,  207, 

223,  268,  289,  383,  413,  479 

RAVEN-HILL,  L.    ...     100,  154,  190,  226,  244, 

273,  304 

REED,  E.  T....13,  31,  49,  67,  85,  103,  121,  122, 

157,  175,  176,  193,  194,   211,  212,  229,  230, 

247,  248,  267,  287,  2S8,  307,  308, '327,  328, 

343,  347,  363,  367,  368,  387,  388,  407,  408, 

444,  463,  464,  483,  503 

REYNOLDS,  PERCY  T 199 

ROUNTREE,  HARUY  63,  384,  500 

SHEPAHD,  ERNEST  H.   ...  28,  41,  64,  139,  225, 
251,  271,  285,  303,  335,  361,  389,  471 

SiiErHEARD,  H 348,  456 

SIIEPHEAKD,  J.  A 283,  331,  340,  360 

SIIEITERSON,  CLAUDE  H.   ...   82,  97,  136,  323, 
344,  391,  443,  460 

SMITH,  A.  T 99 

STAMPA,  G.  L....  9,  46,  105,  141,  177,  241,  261 
309,  321,  341,  3u4,  404,  439,  465,  477 

STRANGE,  C.  E 400 

SWINTON,  MAJOR  E.  D 32 

THOMA",  BEIIT 90,  127,  269,  4C9,  497 

TOWNSEND,  F.  H....5,  4.r>,  59,  77,  95,  118,  133, 
151,  171,  185,  205,  221,  243,  255,  274,  279, 
299,  319,  339,  359,  379,  395,  448,  467,  475,  499 

WEEP,  ERNEST... 260 

WILLIAMS,  F.  A 14 

WILLIAMS,  HAMILTON   37,  73,  514 

\VIL-ON  RADCLIFKE-,  H 333 

YEATES,  J.  B <>o 


'Lfcu,  OR  TCP  I.ONDOI*  CHAKI  .  .\ru,  !' 


PUNCH 

Vol.   CXLI. 
JULY-DECEMBER.    1911. 


,  on  THE  LONDON  CIIAWIV/IIII.  DF.< >M»r»  -.-7,  icn. 


LONDON: 
PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    10,    BOUVERIE    STREET, 


AND  SOLD  BY  ALL  BOOKSELLERS. 
*1911 


4'ir..  n.  ok  HIE  LONDON  CHAKIVABI,  l>L..t  *»ii.  K   •;    i,u 


Eradtury,  Agnew  &Co. 

Printers, 
London  and  Tonbri 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


"MR.  JENKINS." 

I  LIKE  to  think  of  him  as  one  who  spent 

His  manhood  in  an  atmosphere  of  schism, 
Flouting  the  grim  proprieties  that  went 

To  make  the  period  of  the  prune  and  prism, 
Who  for  conventions  did  not  caie  a  lira, 
And  frankly  loathed  the  Mid- Victorian  era. 

'Twas  in  the  days  of  crinolinss  and  (worse) 
Of  crude  embroidery  a  id  cruder  painting  ; 
When  England's  youth  betook  itself  to  versa 
And  maids  were  periodically  fainting, 
That  Mr.  Jenkins  timed  an  apt  arrival 
To  preach  his  famous  drawing-room  revival. 

lie  did  not  waltz,  he  did  not  care  for  whist, 

For  pressing  ferns  or  pokering  a  panel, 
And,  fresh  from  Paris,  naturally  miss'd 

Thejoi'e  dc  vivre  in  vogue  across  the  Channel, 
So,  as  became  his  Continental  schooling, 
He  taught  mankind  a  livelier  mode  of  fooling. 

He  took  a  table,  set  the  players  round, 

Piped  "  hands  below,"  that  so  the  nimble  shilling 


Might  pass  unseen,  a  part  the  ladies  found 
A  trifle  bold,  yet  infinitely  thrilling ; 

Each  seeks  the  coin  and,  while  the  fingers  fidget, 
Our  Mr.  J.  doth  squeeze  Clarissa's  digit. 

The  game  caught  on  :  "  Up,  Jenkins"  was  the  cry 

In  hall  and  cot,  in  vicarage  and  tavern  ; 
Extreme  Dissenters  tried  it  on  the  sly, 

And  every  smuggler  played  it  in  his  cavern ; 
And  thus  it  was  that  Jenkins  earned  his  laurels 
As  one  who  'd  ruined  Mid- Victorian  morals. 
******* 

He  's  dead  and  gone,  yet,  when  the  rafters  reel 

With  shouts  that  bid  the  palm-locked  line  unkther, 
We  (she  and  I)  are  horrified  to  feel 

A  ghostly  grip  that  holds  our  hands  together — 
A  fact  observed  by  none,  save  me  and  Mabel — 
'Tis  Mr.  Jenkins  underneath  the  table  I 


How  they  encourage  Art  in  India. 

"The  Scariet  Serenadera  will  shortly  arrive  in  Nairn  T«L  Th  ir 
entertainments  are  really  wonderfully  good  and  cleaver  to  one  ghoul  1 
miaa  seeing  them." — Jfaini  Tal  Gazette. 


VOL.    PTl  I. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


CHARIVARIA. 

Tin'  Xt'ic  York  Ilcralil,  in  reporting 
Mr.  PiKiu'ONT  MORGAN'S  appearance 
jn  Court  dress  at  the  Coronation,  re- 
inurkol,  "Mr.  Morgan  has  as  neat  a 
calf  as  anybody."  Why  not?  He,  if 
anyone,  can  afTord  it. 

*  * 

The  report  that  Mr.  S.  J.  SOLOMON, 
E.A.,  was  to  paint  the  ollicial  picture 
of  the  Coronation  turned  out  to  be  an 
uuder-statement,  this  distinguished 
artist  having  been  actually  com- 
missioned to  execute  a  drawing  of  the 
ceremony  for  The  Daily  Mail. 

*  £ 

;J: 

We  are  sorry  to  learn  that  a  large 
number  of  Scotch  visitors  had  their 
enjoyment  of  the  Royal  Progress 
entirely  spoilt  by  knowledge  of  the  fact 
that  similar  seats  to  those  for  which 
they  had  paid  a  guinea  long  before  the 
event  were  sold  for  fiv3  shillings  or. 
the  day  itself.  In  every  instance,  when 
the  fact  became  known,  mortification 

set  in.  s  * 

* 

A  foreign  representative  remarked 
that  the  Royal  Progress  met  with  an 
even  more  hearty  reception  in  South 
London  than  on  the  other  'side  of  tho 
river.  This  is  scarcely  remarkable. 
The  rich  southern  blood  of  the  people 
across  the  water  naturally  makes  them 
more  excitable  and  demonstrative. 
*.  * 

Th3  memento-hunters  were  hard  at 
work  during  the  Cor^nati9n  week.  In 
the  Borough  Road  there  was  a  scramble 
for  the  flowers  and  plants  with  which 
the  stands  had  been  decorated,  and  in 
the  West  End  some  fortunate  person 
secured  the  LOUD  MAYOR'S  gold  watch 
*...* 

We  do  not  wani  a  repetition  hero  o 
the  trouble  in'Moro2CO,  and  we  think 
the  police  were  wise  to  arrest  a  Pre 
tender  who  was  found  walking  down 
Park  Lane  with  a  Iarg3  gilt  crown  on 

his  head,  copiously  jewelled  with  glass 

*  * 

The  menu  at  the  Royal  Luncheon  a' 
the  Guildhall  was  printed  in  English 
We  believe  this  innovation,  to  be  due 
to  the  fact  that  previous  menus  liave 
been  found  to  puzzle  the  French  guests 

#  if 

It  is  hoped  to  hold  a  Progress-of 
Peace  Exhibition   next    year    at    the 
Crystal  Palace— wars  permitting. 

Ons  of  the  chief  functions  on  the 
occasion  of  the  royal  visit  to  Dublin 
will  be,  we  are  told,  the  Specia 
Chapter  of  the  Knights  of  St.  Patrick 
a'  \\lvch  Lord  SHA£TK;-BJI  Y  and  Lore 
KITCHENER  will  b3  invjsted.  This,  \vi 
suppose,  will  be  the  Opening  of  a  New 


hapter  in  the  History  of  Ireland,  of 
vhich  we  have  often  read. 

••:•• .  * 

Rumours  of  another  appointment  for 
liord  KITCHKNKK  reach  us.  It  is  said 
.,0  be  due  to  his  historic  success  against 
,he  Dervishes.  His  Lordship,  accord- 
ng  to  our  information,  is  to  join  the 
)oard  of  a  well-known  firm  of  Rout 
furnishers.  %  * 

Lord  ROSEIIERY  has  announced  that 
will  not  adopt  his  new  title,  the 
Bar!  of  Midlothian,  "  for  general  use." 
He  will  use  it  merely  on  Sundays  and 

Bank  Holidays. 

*  * 

A  laundry  mark  on  a  handkerchief, 
eft  behind  after  a  burglary  at  a  shop 
in  Garrick  Street,  led  to  the  arrest  of 
;he  supposed  criminal  last  week.  This 
xplains  why  shrewd  burgl  irs  so  seldom 
lave  their  handkerchiefs  washed,  while 

some  dispense  with  them  altogether. 

*  ::•. 
# 

Playgoers  in  search  of  an  absolute 
novelty  are   now  going  to  ses    "  The 
Girl  Who  Couldn't  Lie." 
*...* 

Our  congratulations  to  The  Daily 
News  for  publishing  at  least  two  items 
of  exclusive  information  concerning  our 
Navy.  KING  GEORGE,  we  are  told,  has, 
in  his  time,  not  only  swabbed  the  deck 
and  fed  the  fire,  but  has  also  "  furled 
the  mast."  Further,  "our  eight  Dread- 
noughts represent  a  total  tonnage  of 
523,650,"  thus  averaging  over  65,000 
tons  apiece.  Prodigious !— noi  to  say, 
grateful  and  comforting. 

*  # 
•-'.- 

"  Two-year-old  twins  who  fell  from 
the  second-floDr  window  of  a  house  in 
Hamburg  were,"  The  Express  informs 
us, "  uninjured."  The  fortunate  couple 
will,  we  presume,  adopt  as  their  motto 
the  paradox,  "  Unite!  we  fall." 

:*t 

The  Times  has  published  a  letter  on 
"Losses  of  Sheep  in  Hunts."  '  We  can 
only  imagine  such  losses  to  be  due  to 
the  fact  that  many  of  our  sportsmen 
suffer  from  short  sight. 

"  We  must  bring  religion  into  the 
realms  of  statesmanship,"  says  Mr 
LLOYD  GEORGE.  This  should  not  be 
impossible.  The  CHANCELLOR  has 
already  succeeded  in  bringing  politics 
into  the  purlieus  of  the  pulpit. 
*..  * 

The  dangerous  hat-pin  again  !  Ac 
cording  to  the  Petit  Parisian,  an 
Englishwoman  riding  home  in  a  taxi 
cab  near  the  Place  do  1'Etoile,  Paris 
was  stopped  by  a  highwayman  who 
asked  for  her  purse.  The  English 
woman  in  reply  stabbed  the  man  in  th< 
arm  with  a  hat-pin,  and  then  dr-cvj  on 


POLYGLOT   DRAMA. 

THE  success  of  Kismet  at  the  Garrick 
s  regarded  as  partially  due  to  its 
innouncement  in  the  following  form 
or  something  like  it): — 


Other  impending  productions  are 
ibout  to  be  advertised  in  a  similar 
way.  For  example : 


A  Japanese   farcical   comedy    by    a 
well-known  Nippon  humorist. 


(Pronunciation  unknown.)  A  North- 
American  Indian  tragedy  of  a  crude 
nature  dealing,  as  its  title  implies, 
with  a  sanguinary  family  feud. 


A  musical  comedy  of  the  Ptolemaic 
period,  or,  "The  Hieroglyphic  Girl," 
has  just  been  exhumed  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood of  the  Nile.  It  includes  a 
new  prehistoric  dance  and  the  usual 
bathing  scene,  concluding  with  a  waltz 
up  the  Pyramids. 


"  Marriage  ceremonies  performed. 

Funeral  orations." 
Advt.  in  "Seattle  P»st  Intelligencer." 

Poor  MARK  ANTONY,  knowing  nothing 
of  Seattle,  had  to  prepara  his  own. 

"One  could  write  much  more  about  ' The 
Critic '  and  its  fortunes  in  the  Morning  Po&t  : 
of  the  letters  it  provoked  from  'A  Friend  to 
Char  ty,'  'A  Despiser  of  Impertinent  Old 
Ladies,'  and  others.  Even  more  could  be 
w'litten  about  other  things,  and  still  Ui3  subject 
\vosld  remain  unexhausted. " 

The  Morning  Pat. 

Probably — but  the  reader  wouldn't. 

"Tlia  p'ays  chosen  are  Shaw's  'Mm  of 
Destiny'  and  ISanie's  'The  Twelve  Touud 
Cook.'  ' — Chrktian  Commonwealth. 

Mr.  BAER:E'S  play  must  seem  very  old- 
fashioned  to  the  modern  housewife. 


Assisted  Emigration. 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  has  been  asked 
to  go  to  America.     We  are  unable  to 
ascertain  from  which  side  of  the  At- 
lantic the  pressure  has  come. 


PUNCH,   OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— Jur.y  f-.  1911. 


NO    SURRENDER-AT    PRESENT. 

FIRST  PEER.  "  WHAT  ABOUT  THE    WHITE  FLAG  ?  " 

SECOND  PEER.  "  WELL.    I    DAEE    SAY    IT  'LL   COME    TO    THAT    IN    THE    END ;     BUT    WE 
MAY    AS    WELL    LOOSE    OFF    THIS    STUFF  FIEST." 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    POINT    OF    VIEW. 

Farmer  (on  motor-bus  trip,  viewing  the  Coronation  stands).  "Mr!    WHAT  COWSHEDS  TUESB  WOULD  'AV«  MADE,  BILL!" 


THE    CORONATION    TROPHY. 

(Addressed  to  one  of  the  Despoilers  of  London.) 

STAY,  monster,  stay  I     Remove  thy  horny  hand 
From  this  poor  piece  of  memorable  wood  I 

They  told  you,  did  they,  to  destroy  my  stand  ? 
You  just  obeys  your  orders  ?    Very  good. 

But  one  stout  plank,  amid  the  serried  tiers, 

A  single  section  where  a  bard  has  sat, 
Shall  never  fade  into  the  voiceless  years 

Or  sell  for  firewood.     I  must  see  to  that. 

When  I  remember  how,  before  the  day, 

I  sang  its  praises,  telling  all  men  where 
I  should  behold  the  pomp,  and  heard  them  say, 

"  Yes,  you  will  see  it  rather  well  from  there  ;  " 

And  how  I  sank  a  most  stupendous  sum 

To  purchase  it,  and  all  the  weary  hours 
I  waited  for  that  glittering  coach  to  come, 

And  longed  for  soft,  soft  valleys  strewn  with  flowers ; 

And  how  I  might  not  smoke,  though  very  sweet 
That  boon  had  been,  nor  kick  the  man  below, 

But  martyr-like  endured  it,  when  my  feet 
Sunk  into  baleful  slumbers,  toe  by  toe ; 

And  watched  the  crowd,  the  troops  and  the  police 
And  wondered  what  a  gryphon  was  and  why  ; 

And  if  KINO  GEORGE  would  note  my  trousers'  creaaa 
And  pale,  but  not  disloyal,  gloves  and  tie ; — 

\Yh™  I  remember  this,  and  much,  much  more, 
l>o  you  suppose,  young  man,  that  I  could  part 

\Vilh  that  proud  relic  of  a  rite  that 's  o'er  ? 
Have  it  sent  round  this  evening  on  a  cart. 


As  I  have  sometimes  seen  large  boating  men, 
In  memory  of  their  youth  and  god-like  sport, 

Hallowed  to  Isis,  still  preserve  a  den 
Hung  with  the  votive  offering  of  a  thwart, 

So  I  shall  have  that  baulk  of  timber  nailed 

Under  the  muted  harp  and  laurel  sprig, 
And,  when  some  fifty  summer  suns  have  paled 

And  boys  above  their  wine  are  talking  big, 

"  You  boast,"  I  '11  say,  "  of  triumphs  with  the  bat, 
Deeds  on  the  river,  or  some  larger  shock  ? 

Look  at  this  bench  on  which  your  uncle  sat 
From  half-past  six  till  half -past  three  o'clock, 

"  He  who  was  never  wont  to  rise  from  dreams 
Till  mid-day,  and  who  hates  the  vulgar  mob, 

Whom  all  processions  tire  to  angry  screams, 
Who  loves  no  seat  except  the  sort  that  bob ; — 

"  Bearing  the  fell  fatigue  and  hunger's  claw. 

No  softer  roost  than  this,  I  say,  he  found, 
And  braved  it  gladly,  for  on  this  he  saw 

The  golden  pageant  when  KINO  GEORGE  was  crowned." 
EVOB. 

"  He  spoilt  hU  card  by  taking  four  pulls  on  the  first  preen." 

Manchester  Evening  Chronicle. 

That  would   account   for   his    seeing    a    stymie    on    the 
second  tee. 

From  South  Nigerian  General  Orders : 

"  In  the  case  of  a  Mesa,  the  Mess  President  is  responsible.  The  farmer 
should  be  adequately  cleaned  at  least  once  a  fortnight,  and  the  latter  at 
least  three  times  a  week." 

The  Mess  President  has  resigned. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


AT    THE    PLAY. 

THE  GALA  PERFORMANCE  AT 
His  MAJESTY'S. 

THE  judgment  of  tfiose  who  attend 
a  morning  Dress  Rehearsal  is  generally 
supposed  to  be  very  valuable,  but 
actually  it  is  of  the  least  critical  use 
in  the  world.  Apart  from  the  Press, 
who  refrain  from  applause  and  reserve 
their  censure  for  the  papers,  the 
audience  consists  largely  of  members 
of  The  Profession  and  personal  friends 
of  the  actors.  They  have  therefore 
either  been  trained  in  the  same  stage- 
traditione,  good  and  bad,  or  else  they 
love  their  favourites  as  much  for  their 
foibles  as  for  their  virtues.  But  at 
His  Majesty's  nothing  mattered  very 
much,  for  a  Coronation  spirit  (unham- 
pered by  police  and  the  fear  of  barriers) 
was  abroad  and  nobody  wanted  to  be 
critical  even  if  he  could. 

The  charm  of  this  Gala  Eehearsal 
was  that  it  gave  you  the  rare  pleasure 
of  seeing  distinguished  actors  con- 
descending to  inferior  parts.  The  iden- 
tity of  some,  playing  as  mere  supers 
and  units  of  a  crowd,  was  almost 
concealed  under  a  veil  of  the  finest 
humility.  Thus,  our  new  stage- 
knight,  behaving  just  as  if  the  honour 
about  to  be  conferred  upon  him 
was  quite  a  common  thing  among 
actor-managers,  did  nothing  beyond 
getting  his  halberd  mixed  up  with 
the  halberd  of  another  veteran. 

The  programme  was  for  all 
tastes  —  the  lighter  kind  for 
choice.  Miss  ELLEN  TERRY  and 
Mrs.  KENDAL  were  in  rollicking 
mood  in  the  letter  episode  from 
The  Merry  Wives.  Here  the 
rotundity  of  Mr.  RUTLAND 
BARKKJQTON,  as  Falstaff,  was 
momentarily  admitted  on  to  the 
stage  (without  the  author's  con- 
nivance) for  the  purpose  of 
rounding  off  the  scene. 

As  David  Garrick,  Sir  CHARLES 
WYNDHAM  simulated  intoxication 
(for  moral  purposes)  with  all  his 
old  verve  and  masterful  ease ; 
Mr.  WEEDON  GHOSSMITH,  careful 
not  to  be  as  funny  as  he  could 
have  been,  was  Jones ;  and 
Miss  SYDNEY  FAREBEOTHEH  was 
a  very  perfect  Araminta. 

In  the  rostrum  -  scene  from 
Julius  Ccesar  (taken  full-face 
instead  of  in  profile),  the  crowd 
was  so  terribly  true  to  life  that 
it  almost  overwhelmed  the  chief 
actors.  These  Romans  had  been 
admirably  stage-managed,  but  I 
confess  to  having  found  some 
difficulty  in  distinguishing  be- 
tween the  noise  of  their  anger 
nnd  the  noise  of  their  approval, 


and  both  must  have  been  alike  offensive 
to  Antony  (Sir  HEKUERT  THEE)  in  his 
heroic  struggle  to  make  himself  heard. 
The  clou  of  the  entertainment  was 
The  Critic,  which,  in  a  modernised 


Mr.  BOCRCHIKR  (Puff).  "Will  they  know  you 
with  your  moustache  obliterated  ? " 

Mr.  HAWTREY  (Sneer).  "One  makes  these 
sacrilic.s  for  a  great  cause." 

version,  with  here  and  there  a  trace 
of  SHERIDAN,  made  as  good  fun  as 
one  could  wish  for.  Mr.  BOURCHIER 


whom  lie  addressed  either  by  their 
personal  names  or,  more  fraternally, 
as  "  dear." 

BEN  JONSON,  again,  was  barely 
recognisable  in  his  Vision  of  Delight — 
a  very  firmament  of  theatrical  stars 
of  the  first  or  second  magnitude.  I 
could  grow  lyrical  on  this  theme,  and 
Mr.  HERBERT  TRENCH  actually  did 
burst  out  into  several  "  additional " 
lyrics.  Excellent  in  themselves  and 
sympathetically  delivered,  they  were 
perhaps  a  little  wasted  upon  the 
intelligence  of  an  audience  whose  eyes 
were  being  feasted  almost  to  the 
bulging-point.  By  a  happy  device, 
KING  GEORGE  was  spared  the  gross 
flattery  which  BEN  JONSON  lavished 
on  the  King  of  his  day,  to  whose 
benign  influence  he  ascribed  the  birth 
of  Spring ;  the  diminutive  figure  of 
Cupid,  King  of  Love,  was  introduced 
instead  to  receive  credit  as  the  prims 
mover  in  these  vernal  developments. 
At  the  close  a  great  largesse  of  flowers 
and  herbage  was  flung  to  the  front 
rows ;  and  for  my  share  I  received  a 
rose  or  two  in  the  midst  of  a  heavy 
rain  of  moss  and  mould  that  did  grave 
injury  to  my  personal  appearance. 

All  ended  well  with  a  superbly  stal- 
wart rendering  of  the  National  Anthem 
by  Miss  CLARA  BUTT  in  a  nice  blue 
overall. 

On  The  Night  Itself  the  atmosphere 


as   Puff   was    on    pleasant   terms  of  I  of  the   House   was    more    temperate. 

familiarity  with  the  whole  of  his  cast, l  The  entry  of  great  actors  was  ignored, 

and  applause,  as  is  the  habit  on 
such  occasions,  was  very  rare. 
Yet  the  audience  was  appreciative 
in  its  own  subdued  way.  Pos- 
sibly The  Critic  lost  most  by  the 
change  of  air,  for  its  fun  depended 
a  good  deal  upon  a  recognition 
of  the  incongruous  situations  in 
which  well-known  actors  found 
themselves.  Our  foreign  guests 
could  hardly  bs  expected  to  know 
that  Mr.  DU  MAURIER  does  not 
commonly  simulate  a  hoary 
Governor  of  Tilbury  Fort  in  an 
adjustable  beard;  that  Mr. 


f  LORAINE  was  not  strictly  in  his 
natural  element  as  a  sc:ne- 
shifter ;  that  Miss  MARIE  TEMPEST 
does  not  often  appear  as  the 
shadow  of  somebody  else ;  that 
Mr.  BEVERIDGE  seldom  plays  in 
a  speechless  and  purely  rumina- 
tive part ;  that  Mr.  EDMUND 
PAYNE'S  methods  are  not  usually 
such  as  one  expects  in  the  person 
\  of  an  Elizabethan  lord-chan- 
JL,  cellor;  or  that  tlio  humour  of 
Mr.  KENNETH  DOUGLAS  was  not 
enjoying  its  customary  scope  in 
the  limited  opportunities  offered 
to  The  Left  Bank  of  the  Thames. 
But  it  was  a  great  night.  O.S. 


A    HARDER    1A>K    THAN    MA1.K    ANTONY'S. 

Sir  HERBERT  TIIEZ  dominates  his  crowd  of  Star  Supers. 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


LIFE. 

1 1  \va-i  in  the  Saloon  Bar  of  a  more  or 
loss  n-]»it:ibli'  liostelry  ofT  Leicester 
Square  that  he  was  thrust  into  my 
ken.  Ho  was  a  smallish,  porky-looking 
individual,  with  un  enormous  moutli 
anil  u  chin  hluo  from  the  etrrnal  shaving 
of  what  Nature  had  designed  for  a 
strong  hoard.  A  flat-rimmed  howler 
was  crammed  upon  his  head,  and  I  it- 
was  perched  upon  a  high  stool,  pulling 
luxuriously  at  a  tankard  of  bitter  heer. 
There  was  a  latent  twinkle  in  his  eye, 
and  a  grin  lurking  ahout  the  corners  of 
his  mouth  that  piqued  my  curiosity, 
and  I  wondered  what  on  earth  he  could 
find  to  look  so  cheerful  about. 

He  seemed  to  welcome  my  enquiring 
gaze  and  remarked  waggishly  that  it 
would  probably  be  a  fine  day  if  it  didn't 
rain.  There  was  something  in  the  way 
he  said  it  that  made  me  think  I  must 
have  met  him  somewhere  else,  but 
before  I  had  time  to  remember  properly 
he  laughed,  and  for  the  life  of  me  1 
couldn't  help  laughing  too.  Conversa- 
tion flowed  freely  then,  and  soon  he 
loant  over  to  me  and  said  confidentially 
in  his  quaint  raucous  voice : 

"  Sociable,  that  'a  wot  I  am.  In  the 
profesh  we  'ang  together." 

"  The  profesh  ?  "  I  said  nai'vely. 

"  Yes,"  he  said ;  "  I  'm  a  clown,  yer 
know,  a  pantomime  clown." 

It  took  me  by  surprise.  So  that  was 
why  I  half-remembered  him.  And  yet 
— this  cheerful  soul  who  was  drinking 
and  cracking  jokes  away  from  his  native 
footlights,  a  clon-n.  If  ever  a  smile  hid 
an  aching  heart  it  must  be  here,  and  I 
hoped  my  accents  were  broken  enough 
as  I  murmured,  "  My  poor  fellow  1 "  and 
took  his  hand  in  mine. 

My  friend  seemed  mystified,  and  I 
could  see  by  the  earnest  way  he  looked 
at  me  that  he  was  trying  to  find  out 
whether  I  was  being  funny. 

"'Ullo,"  he  said  at  length,  "  wot 's 
the  game,  eh  ?  " 

I  looked  again.  Poor  chap,  I 
thought,  he  keeps  it  up  bravely.  I 
almost  had  to  blink  away  a  I.ear. 

"  You  can  trust  me,"  I  said  simply ; 
"  how  is  she — the  little  girl  ?  " 

"  The  little  trot  ?  "  he  almost  gasped. 

"  Your  little  daughter,  the  dancer, 
you  know — dying  from  pneumonia  and 
all  that."  My  voice  broke  at  the  edges. 

"  Daughter !  " — his  voice  rose  to  an 
indignant  shout — "  why,  I  never  "ad  a 
daughter,  and  never " 

"Then  your  wife,  fading  away  with 
consumption  and  tossing  this  very 
minute  upon  a  straw  mattress  ?  And 
yet  you  can  drink  beer  ?  " 

Tiie  clown  set  his  mug  down  upon 
the  counter  and  descended  from  his  Stool 
with  a  certain  quiet  dignity  by  which, 


\ 


Little  Girl  (residing  in  suburb  much  visited  of  lute  by  night-raiders).   "  MOTHER,  WHY  DON'T 

YOU   PUT    'No    lit  !»;l.Al:s  '   OX   TIIE  GATE,    WITH  THE   OTHER  THlKGSt" 


in  spite  of  the  lamentable  bowler,  I 
could  not  fail  to  be  impressed,  and  said  : 

"  You  seem  to  'ave  got  'old  of  the 
wrong  man.  I  'ave  no  children,  and 
what  is  more,  I  'ave  no  wife " 

"  But  the  garret,"  I  persisted,  "  the 
garret  with  the  upturned  packing-cases 
and  candles  guttering  in  ginger-beer 
bottles " 

"  Sir,"  he  said,  "  if  yer  wish  ter 
know,  I  live  at  Tooting.  At  Upper 
Tooting.  Upper  Tooting  may  not  be 
Park  Lane,  but  it  is,  I  'ope,  respect- 
able for  all  that." 

I  could  not  disbelieve  the  man.     For 


a  moment  I  gazed  upon  him  sorrow- 
fully. And  then  I  said  : 

"  It  is  rather  quaint  that  the  only 
real  live  clown  I  have  ever  met  should 
be  such  a  traitor  to  the  traditions  of 
his  calling.  A  clown  who  can  laugh 
and  make  jokes  in  private  life,  a  clown 
who  has  no  dying  daughter,  no  ailing 
wife,  no  packing  cases — bah  !  " 

And  so  I  left  him. 


JACK  JOHNSON  says  he  is  now  ready 
to  fight  anyone  who  wishes  to  meet 
him.  Candidates  are  requested  to  line 
up  outside  the  early  doors. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


A   NEW   ISSUE. 

"Do  you  know  anything  about 
stamps?'"  asked  my  young  friend 
Bobby.  He  has  been  having  a  week's 
holiday  hi  honour  of  tho  Coronation 
and  has  been  making  a  nuisance  of 
himself  because  he  saw  it  and  I  didn't. 
However,  as  I  point  out  to  him,  I  was 
at  least  alive  at  the  Diamond  Jubilee. 

-  Do  I— what  ?  " 

"  Know  anything  about  stamps  ?  " 

"  My  dear  Bobby,"  I  said,  "  1  know 
everything  about  everything." 

"  Coo — 1  bet  you  don't.  You  don't 
know  what  Tomlinson's  average  is 
tli is  term." 

"  Ah,  now  you  've  just  hit  upon  the 
one  thing " 

"  Well,  it 's  thirty-eight." 

"  Batting  or  bowling '!  " 

Bobby  looked  coldly  at  me. 

"  I  was  going  to  ask  you  about  my 
stamp,"  4ie  said ;  "  but  if  you  're  going 
to  be  funny " 

"  I  'm  not,  I  promise.  This  isn't  my 
day  for  levity.  Show  me  the  stamp." 

I  collected  stamps  when  I  was 
Bobby's  age.  I  suppose  in  those  days 
I  did  know  something  about  them,  but 
they  have  altered  since  my  time ;  with 
the  result  that  I  can  now  only  judge 
them  by  the  beauty  or  otherwise  of  the 
illustration.  Sometimes  I  come  across 
a  letter  stamped  with  the  representa- 
tion of  a  volcano  or  an  iceberg  or  a 
couple  of  jaguars — whatever  it  may  be, 
and  I  have  sent  it  off  eagerly  to  some 
youthful  philatelist;  to  receive  a  week 
later  such  formal  thanks  as  are  generally 
reserved  for  the  man  who  offers  you  a 
large  Cabbage  White  for  your  butterfly 
collection. 

"  It 's  just  got  a  lion  or  something 
on  it,  and  a  josser's  head,  and  some 
other  things,"  said  Bobby,  searching  in 
his  pocket.  "  Uncle  Henry  sent  it  to 
me." 

The  description  seemed  to  apply  to 
a  good  many  stamps. 

"  Any  words  ?  " 

"  Wait  a.  S3C.,"  said  Bobby,  and  he 
ran  it  to  ground  in  his  right-hand 
trouser  pocket.  "  Here  it  is." 

It  could  claim  to  bo  unused,  and 
by  so  much  the  more  valuable,  but 
another  week  or  two  in  Bobby's  pocket 
might  have  invalidated  its  claim. 
However  I  had  no  doubt  that  I  had 
never  seen  a  stamp  like  it  before. 

"  Who  is  the  josser  ?  "  said  Bobby. 

"  It's  nobody  /  know,"  I  said,  look- 
ing at  it  closely,  "unless — no— it  isn't 
your  Uncle  William,  is  it  ?  " 

"It's  got  'postage  revenue'  on  it," 
Bobby  pointed  out.  "  So  it  must  be 
Colonial,  I  should  think,  wouldn't 
you  ?  " 

"  Yes,    that   shows   it    couldn't    be 


foreign.  This  looks  like  an  African 
lion  to  me.  I  expect  it's  the  new 
South  African  stamp.  That's  BOTHA." 

"I  believe  it's  Australian,"  said 
Bobby.  "  It's  just  the  colour  of  some 
of  tho  Australian  stamps." 

"  Sometimes  you  can  tell  by  the 
gum.  The  gum  from  the  Australian 
gum-tree  tastes  quite  different  from 
any  other  sort." 

Bobby  tasted  it  carefully.  "  It 's 
just  like  ordinary  gum,"  he  said,  when 
he  had  finished  it. 

We  looked  at  it  again,  and  then 
Bobby  went  and  got  an  atlas.  Ho 
turned  to  the  map  whereon  the  .British 
possessions  aie  marked  red.  There 
were  .an  awful  lot  of  them. 

"  You  see,  it  might  bo  any  one  of 
these  little  islands,"  I  said.  "  After 
all;  we  're  pretty  sure  it  isn't  one  of 
the  big  colonies,  because  wo  've  seen 
photographs  of  the  premiers  in  all  the 
illustrated  papers,  and  this  isn't  really 
like  any  of  them." 

"  I   saw   old    FISHER    in    the    pro- 


cession  

"  No,  no,  Bobby,  not  again,"  I  re- 
monstrated. 

He  blushed  and  put  the  stamp  back 
in  his  pocket. 

"  Anyhow,"  he  said,  "  it 's  awfully 
decent  of  Uncle  Henry,  isn't  it  ?  I 
believe  it 's  most  beastly  rare." 

"Well,  look  here,  I'll  tell  you  what 
I  '11  do.  I  'm  lunching  to-morrow  with 
a  man  who  's  a  great  philatelist." 

"  Coo.     What 's  that  ?  " 

"  It  means  he  collects  stamps — and 
I  '11  ask  him  about  yours.  And  I  '11  send 
you  a  line." 

"  Oh,  I  say,  thanks  awfully,"  said 
Bobby. 


My  philatelist  had  never  heard  of  it. 
No  doubt  I  described  it  badly ;  my 
memories  were  a  little  vague  for  one 
thing,  and  for  another  I  was  probably 
wrong  to  have  assumed  that  it  went 
into  Bobby's  pocket  the  same  smudgy 
colour  as  it  came  out.  He  was  in- 
terested, however,  in  the  gum  test,  and 
on  my  suggestion,  made  on  the  spur  of 
the  moment,  that  it  was  a  mid-Victorian 
issue  of  one  of  the  islands  in  the  South 
Pacific,  he  proposed  that  it  should 
be  sent  to  him  for  examination.  I 
wrote  to  Bobby  to  this  effect  and  went 
into  the  post-office  for  a  stamp. 

"  One?  "  said  the  lady. 

"  Only  one,"  I  admitted  humbly. 

She  threw  one  at  me.  I  picked  it 
up  and  then  gave  a  jump. 

"  Where  did  you  get  this  from  ?  "  I 
cried.  "  Did  Uncle  Henry  send  you 
one,  too  ?  " 

"  Do  you  want  another  one  ?  " 

"  Why,  have  you  got  any  more  ?  "  I 


asked  excitedly.  "  What  could  you  let 
me  have  a  doxen  for  ?  " 

"  A  shilling." 

"  Done, "I  said  gladly,  thinking  how 
Bobby  would  like  them  for  exchange. 
"  Oh,  and  I  want  a  penny  stamp, 
please." 

She  threw  another  one  of  the  same 
kind  at  me. 

"  I  asked  for  a  simple  penny  English 
stamp,"  I  began  sarcastically,  "  and 
you  give  me  another  of  the.;e  rare 
Tasman —  Then  it  occurred  to  me 

quite  suddenly  that  perhaps  I  was  an 

ESS. 

"Tell  me,"  I  said,  going  hot  and 
cold  all  over,  "  who  is  this  gentleman  ?  " 
and  I  indicated  the  top  part  of  the 
stamp. 

"  That  is  the  KING." 

"  Of  England  ?  " 

"  And  Scotland  and  Ireland  and 
Wales  and " 

"  Yes,  yes.     And  who  is  this  ?  " 

"  That 's  a  lion." 

"  Just  an  ordinary  lion  ?  You  're 
sure  it 's  not  meant  for  anybody  par- 
ticular ?" 

"  Yes.    Do  you  want  another  one  ?  " 

"  No,  thank  you,"  I  said  sadly,  and  I 
took  my  s'.amp  home  with  me.  I  put 
it  on  another  envelope,  and  wrote 
another  letter  to  Bobby. 

"  Dear  Bobby,"  I  wrote,  "  I  am 
sending  you  a  second  one.  It  is  not 
so  beastly  rare  as  we  thought,  and  if  I 
were  you  I  should  tell  Uncle  Henry  all 
about  the  Coronation."  A.  A.  M. 


"  AVith  a  joyous  shout  resounding  ; 
Steed  capaiisoned,  and  bounding  ; 
Flying  lljg  ;  and  booming  cannon  ; 
From  the  Thames  unto  the  Shannon  ; 
From  St.  Lawrence  to  the  Clyde,  ay, 
Rivers  cf  a  Kingdom  wide  aye  ; 
From  all  countries  of  au  Empire  ; 
City,  hamlet,  town  of  each  shire." 

Bournemouth  Visitois'  Directory. 

Very  thoughtful  of  the  Bournemouth 
authorities  to  extend  the  Poet's  Licence 
during  the  Coronation  period. 


From  a  Highland  Eailway  Company's 
booklet : 

"Standing  at  the  north-west  corner  cf  the 
Cistlc,  tl.e  view  is  one  of  surpassing  charm. 
Under  the  eye  is  St.  Andrews  Cathedral,  the 
Bishop's  Palace  (Eden  Court)  and  the  Northern 
Infirmary  by  the  river  side  ;  and  beyond,  in  the 
same  direction,  the  boat-shaped,  isolated,  oak- 
clad  eminence  of  Tomiiahurich,  now  converted 
into  a  cemetery,  unsurpassed  for  adaptiveiiesj 
and  fcr  beauly  and  extent  of  outlook  in  all 
directions.  Immediately  below  Tomnahurich 
is  a  large  public  park  and  a  new  cemetery,  both 
l-elonging  to  the  Corporatim.  At  a  distance  of 
a  couple  of  miles  is  seen  the  District  Lunatic 
Asylum." 

Indeed,  were  it  not  for  the  absence  of 
any  kind  of  Workhouse  or  Prison,  the 
view  might  claim  to  be  the  most  beau- 
tiful in  Europe. 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


KI  !  BLE   T°   TAKE   VB  °UT   FWH1Ji'   T°--N1GUr. 

1  A  K  I  rt       \  h    AV    YE    LIKE  ! 

iorfy.  "WELL,  I  HOPE  PETER'S  NEPHEW  is  CLEANER  THAN  PETER  ist" 
Boatman.  "HE  is,  M'AM  —  HE'S  YOUNGER." 


MI-HEW   WILL   BE  APTDZR 


MUSICAL  NOTES. 

THE  extraordinary  circumstance  of 
M.  PADEHEWSKI  passing  unnoticed 
through  the  crowd  in  Pall  Mall  during 
the  Coronation  Festivities  has  aroused 
widespread  comment.  We  have  re- 
ceived an  interesting  communication 
from  the  secretary  of  Mr.  BAMBEBGER, 
the  famous  pianist,  extending  to  forty- 
eight  folios  of  typewritten  script,  which 
may  be  thus  briefly  summarised.  Mr. 
BAMBERGEB,  as  is  well  known,  is  the 
son-in-law  of  that  distinguished  official, 
Sir  FOMFEY  BOLDERO,  formerly  Colonial 
Secretary  of  (he  Solomon  Islands,  and, 
on  the  occasion  of  the  Coronation  pro- 
cession, had  arranged  to  witness  the 
spectacle  from  a  stand  erected  in  front 
of  Sir  POMPEY'S  mansion  in  Piccadilly, 
together  with  his  wife,  Mrs.  BAMBERQEH 
(daughter  of  Sir  POMPEY  BOLDERO), 
and  his  three  children,  BEETHOVEN, 
MENDELSSOHN  and  HUMPEHDINCK  BAM- 
BEHGEn  (the  grandchildren  of  Sir 
POMPEY  BOLDERO). 

*  *  *  * 

Starting  from  his  hotel  at  an  early 
hour,  Mr.  BAMHERGEK  and  family  made 
their  way  to  the  nearest  tube  station, 
but  were  recognised  at  the  booking- 
office  and  subjected  to  the  most 


gratifying,  if  somewhat  embarrassing, 
attentions.  While  in  the  lift  en- 
thusiastic admirers  sought  to  pluck 
capillary  souvenirs  from  the  exuberant 
chevelure  of  the  great  virtuoso,  and 
during  his  subterranean  transit  he 
signed  his  name  in  no  fewer  than  thirty- 
nine  birthday  books.  Mrs.  BAMBERGER 
was  repeatedly  congratulated  by  fellow- 
passengers  on  the  extraordinary  beauty 
of  her  offspring,  and  sandwiches, 
bananas,  chocolates  and  other  com- 
estibles weie  showered  upon  them  in 
lavish  profusion. 

*  -::-  *  * 

Arriving  at  the  house  of  his  father- 
in-law  (Sir  POMPEY  BOLDERO)  at  7.30 
A.M.,  Mr.  BAMBERGER,  his  wife  and 
children,  at  once  proceeded  to  take  up 
the  seats  allotted  to  them  in  the  front 
row  of  the  superbly  decorated  stand. 
This  was  the  signal  for  an  extraordinary 
demonstration  on  the  part  of  the 
crowd,  who  shouted  "  Bravo,"  "  En- 
core," "Bis,"  and  other  honorific 
exclamations  for  nearly  twenty-five 
minutes.  Sir  POMPEY,  who  is  a  man 
of  strong  family  feeling,  was  visibly 
affected,  and  in  a  brief  but  eloquent 
speech  expressed  his  acknowledgments 
to  the  populace.  In  a  manifesto  sub- 
sequently issued  to  the  press,  he  stated 
that  if,  as  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  declared, 


the  people  were  Ctesar,  he  at  least  was 
their  only  Pompey. 

•  *  *  "• 

We  regret  to  learn,  however,  that 
the  strain  imposed  upon  Mr.  BAM- 
BERGER himself  by  this  prolonged 
exhibition  of  popularity  combined 
with  the  emotional  tension  caused  in 
his  own  highly-strung  temperament 
by  the  spectacle  cf  the  Procession,  has 
led  to  a  peripheral  nerve-storm,  having 
its  seat  in  the  capillary  ganglia,  which 
has  obliged  him  to  cancel  all  engage- 
ments for  the  next  fortnight.  Since 
the  awful  experience  he  underwent  at 
the  hands  of  the  Terrorists  of  Tim- 
buctoo,  when  he  was  kidnapped  on 
the  banks  of  Lake  Chad  and  carried 
away  on  the  back  of  a  gorilla  into  the 
Mountains  of  the  Moon  for  six  weeks, 
Mr.  BAMBERGER  has  been  liable  to 
occasional  recurrences  of  this  distress- 
ing malady.  Sir  POMPEY  BOLDERO — 
who  it  can  never  be  repeated  too  often, 
is  Mr.  BAMBERGER'S  only  father-in-law 
— is  unremitting  in  his  attentions,  and 
Mrs.  BAJJBERGER  is  a  devoted  nurse. 
Until  complete  convalescence  sets  in 
Mr.  BAMBERGER'S  children  will  remain 
with  their  grand-aunt,  Miss  CORNELIA 
BOLDERO  at  her  charming  marine  resi- 
dence "  Plinlimmon,"  Mulberry  Road, 
Weston-super-Mare. 


10 


PUNCH,   OK   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [JULY  5,  1911. 


•>, 


,?\wi:\  -j  ;;-/  /,  v,x^/ • 
^/rftlM/;  -^H*   • 

^'    '//         ,  •   Lil**1 


/ 


Pntul  Father.   "WELL,   MY  BOY,  AND  WHAT  KIXD  OF  SIIEEI-  DO  YOU   KEEP  OS  THIS  FAEM?" 

Land  Aye nt  (in  the  pupil  stage).   "Ou,  ER— BIG— WOOLLY  BEGGARS." 


NOBODY   FORGOTTEN. 

(AN  ECHO  OF  THE  GREAT  EVENT.) 

Local  Editor,  to  Reporter,  every- 
where : — "  And  mind  you  get  the  names 
of  everybody  who  had  anything  to  do 
with  the  proceedings.  Names  in  full, 
and  be  careful  about  spelling.  They  'II 
all  buy  a  copy." 

Mr.  Fitz-Masters,  the  Chairman, 
proved  himself  an  ideal  choice  for  that 
onerous  post.  Not  only  did  he  preside 
at  every  meeting  of  the  general  com- 
mittee, but  also  at  all  the  sub-committee 
meetings,  and  it  is  due  in  no  small 
measure  to  his  ability  and  tact  that 
the  day  was  such  a  signal  success. 

Nothing  could  exceed  the  courtesy 
and  efficiency  of  Mr.  Last,  the  hon. 


sec.  of  the  general  committee,  whose 
tact  and  resourcefulness  were  unfailing. 

All  praise  is  due  to  Mr.  Farr,  who 
assisted  Mr.  Last,  and  whose  unruffled 
temper  and  skill  in  organisation  did 
much  to  ensure  the  triumphs  which 
we  have  all  witnessed. 


The  training  of  the  voices  of  the 
choir  re3ects  the  highest  credit  on 
Mr.  Arthur  Throstle,  their  indefatigab'a 
instructor.  Barely  can  sweeter  music 
have  been  discoursed  than  that  which 
rose  obedient  to  his  inspiring  baton. 


the  audience  to  vocal  enthusiasm  and 
loud  plaudits. 

The    catering,    which    was    in    the 

apable  hands  of  Host  Bland,  of  the 

]rown     Hotel,     was    in     every     way 

admirable,  and  ample  justice  was  done 

to  the  many  good  things  provided. 


The  flowers  which  decora'ed  the 
>anqueting-room  were  arranged  by 
Mr.  Dedham,  the  head  gardener  at  The 
Dourt,  and  it  would  bo  impossible  too 
lighly  to  praise  the  taste  with  which 
his  part  of  the  labour  of  love  was 
executed.  

Among  the  Squire's  gifts  wore  5  Ibs. 
of  tea  (supplied  by  Messrs.  Leadbotter), 
10  Ibs.  of  butter  (supplied  by  the  Manse 
Dairy  Farm,  Ltd.),  and  GO  loaves  of 
bread  (supplied  by  Mr.  John  Bush). 

Mrs.  Gallop  presented  each  of  the 
children  witli  a  Coronation  medal  with 
her  own  hands,  and  the  thanks  of  the 
village  cannot  be  too  warmly  accorded 
to  her  for  this  act  of  kindness  and 
generosity.  

Mrs.  Lyon-Wagstaff,  looking  charm- 
ing in  mauve,  kindly  consented  to 
distribute  the  prizes,  and  it  would 
be  difficult  to  exaggerate  the  cleverness 
with  which  she  made  each  recipient 
feel  that  his  award  was  beyond  all  the 
others  in  value. 

The  arrangements  for  the  tea  were 
in  the  efficient  hands  of  Host  Boker  of 
the  Shipley  Arms,  and  nothing  was  left 
undone. 

The  decorations  and  illuminations 
on  Messrs.  Putt  and  Roller's  Brewery 
reflect  the  highest  credit  on  Mrs. 
Aubrey  Putt,  who  cannot  be  too  much 
complimented  on  the  effectiveness  and 
originality  of  the  colour  scheme. 


The  organist,  Mr.  Soper,  interpreted 
the  difficult  and  intricate  accompani- 
ment with  consummate  skill,  which,  had 
it  been  elsewhere  than  in  a  sacred 
edifice,  must  indubitably  have  moved 


The  bonfire,  it  should  be  noted, 
would  not  have  been  half  the  grand 
spectacle  that  it  was  had  it  not  been 
for  the  generosity  of  Mr.  James 
Stunt,  who  gave  500  faggots,  and 
the  untiring  and  willing  industry  of 
Messrs.  Block  and  Bullivant,  who 
superintended  the  structure  and  them- 
selves presented  the  tar  and  paraffin. 


Nothing  could  exceed  the  punctu- 
ality with  which,  at  ten  o'clock 
precisely,  Sir  Henry  Bower  ignited 
the  train  which  led  to  the  bonfire, 
and  caused  the  riotous  flames  to  burst 
forth  in  a  blaze  of  loyalty. 


Commercial  Candour  in  the  East  End. 
"Try  our  Barking  sausages." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI..— JULY  5,  1911. 


THE    CAPTURE    OF   WINDSOR    CASTLE 


BY    THE    BOY    SCOUTS.    JULY    4th. 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  ou  TIII-;  LOXDOX  CHARIVARI 


13 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTIIACIT.I)  PT.OM  THE  DlAUY  OF  TollY,    XI.  I'.  ) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  June  26. 
— House  resumes  sittings  after  Coro- 
nation with  grim  consciousness  that 
at  length  business  is  about  to  begin  in 
earnest.  On  Wednesday  the  Lords 
take  in  band  the  Veto  Bill.  Already 
heavy  guns  have  been  trained  upon  it. 
Amendments  of  which  LANSDOWNI: 
and  LONDONDERRY  have  severally  given 
notice  will  bring  the  two  Houses  to 
grips. 

Meanwhile  little  entertainment  pro- 
vided in  shape  of  hauling  HOME  SEC- 
RETARY over  the  coals.  WINSOME 
WINSTON  hasn't  been  committing  fresh 
iniquity.  LYTTELTON  harks  back  to 
old  stories  of  Dartmoor  shepherd, 
Tonypandy,  and  the  Battle  of  Stepney. 
Scanty  attendance  and  no  disposition 
to  grow  excited  over  process  of  flogging 
dead  horses.  LYTTELTON  does  his 
best.  Shocked  at  CHANCELLOR  OF  EX- 
CHEQUER'S early  reference  to  the  gentle 
shepherd  he  accuses  him  of  making 
"  vulgar,  inaccurate,  unscrupulous  state- 
ments." Falling  upon  WINSTON  he 
sternly  insisted  on  knowing  what  he 
was  doing  at  Stepney  at  the  time  of 
the  siege  ? 


MILDEWED  CHESTNUTS. 


with  those  absurd 


"My  dear  LVITELTOS,  you  surely  don't  imagine  tint  you  hurt  me  by 
surd  little  trifles  !     Y_>ur  ammunition  is  out-of-iLi 


-iLiU',  auJ  you  cau'i  shoot  !  !  " 


ig  me 


RALFLOVA  AND   LORDKIN. 

.  Mr<  £ALFOU1 L?ud  Lo'-d  CHARLES  BEIIESFOBD  perform  the  ' '  Dansc  de  la  De.laratioa  de  Londivs" 
at  the  Cannon  Street  Hotel. 


"  A  photographer  was  there,"  he  said, 
"  and  the  HOME  SEcnETABY  was  there. 
We  all  know  why  the  photographer 
was  there,  but  do  not  quite  know  why 
the  HOME  SECRETARY  was  there." 

Quick  from  Radical  camp  below 
Gangway  came  answer  to  the  riddle, 
"  Because  the  photographer  was  there." 

When  WINSTON  found  opportunity 
of  replying  he  retorteJ  that  when 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  risked  his  valuable  life 
in  flying  machine  there  was  also  a 
photographer  at  hand  prepared  to  take 
a  snapshot,  reproduction  of  which 
would  gratify  contemporaries  and  in- 
form posterity. 

On  this  high  level  of  badinage  did  t'.ie 
Mother  of  Parliaments  disport  herself 
on  the  eve  of  the  greatest  constitutional 
crisis  of  modern  times. 

Slackness  of  attendance,  increasing 
with  indifference  to  what  was  going  on, 
nearly  landed  Government  in  awkward 
place.  BANBURY  chipping  in  moved  to 
reduce  by  £500  salary  of  HOME  SECRE- 
TARY. On  a  division  Ministerialmajority 
ran  down  to  32.  Incident  greeted  with 
wild  delight  on  Opposition  benches. 

Business  done — Some  votes  got  in 
Committee  of  Supply. 

Tuesday. — New  writ  issued  for  Cen- 
tral Division  of  Kingston-upon-Hull  for 
election  of  Member  to  serve  in  place  of 
SEYMOUR  KING  unseated  on  petition. 
That  a  conclusion  of  the  matter 
scarcely  less  regretted  in  Ministerial 


14 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


ranks  than  in  Unionist  camp.  A  loyal 
party  man,  SEYMOUR  KINO  was  never 
disposed  to  deny  that  occasionally  some 
good  might  como  out  of  tho  Nazareth  of 
the  benches  opposite.  Able,  courteous, 
unobtrusive,  with  far-reaching  business 
experience,  he  through  a  long  Parlia- 
mentary career  won  tho  guerdon  of 
general  esteam.  He  was  the  kind  of 
man  who  forms  tho  backbono  of  a 
Parliament  as  yet  unwaged. 

The  few  Members  looking  up  as  the 
motion  was  made  were  reminded 
that  since  they  last  met  a  notable 
thing  has  happened.  ACLAND- 
HOOD,  Unionist  Whip  over  a 
period  beyond  which  the  memory 
of  few  in  the  present  House  goeth, 
has  retired  from  the  scene,  and 
BALCARHES  whips  in  his  place. 
The  Old  'un  has  withdrawn  to 
the  sanctuary  of  the  House  of 
Lords,  where  he  will  get  a  new 
view  of  Parliamentary  proceed- 
ings. 

His  tumbling  into  the  im- 
portant office,  so  long  held,  was 
accidental.  Served  his  time  in 
the  Army,  smelling  powder  in 
the  Egyptian  Campaign  of  1882. 
Eetiring  ten  years  later  he  won  a 
seat  in  his  own  county  of  Somerset 
and  retained  it  ever  since.  First 
came  under  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S 
notice  in  connection  with  pro- 
posal to  exile  the  Guards  to  Gib- 
raltar— one  of  ST.  JOHN  BHOD- 
RICK'S  early  efforts  to  reform  and 
strengthen  an  army  presently  to 
be  despatched  to  South  Africa. 
As  an  old  Guardsman  he  resented 
this  undignified  treatment  of  a 
crack  regiment.  He  even  went 
the  length  of  dividing  House, 
bringing  down  Ministerial  major- 
ity in  marked  m3asure. 

Three  years  later,  again  demon- 
strated his  ind  pendence  by  pro- 
testing againsi  action  of  War 
Office  in,  to  quote  his  plain  way 
of  putting  it,  "  asking  EEDVERS 
BULLER  to  re-write  his  dsspatch 


Business  done. — All  over  by  4.40. 
Sitting  literally  collapsed  owing  to 
scanty  attendance  and  less  interest. 
Fine  opportunity  for  LYNCH  to  practise 
his  new  style  of  debate.  Actually  not 
new.  As  old  as  time  of  ARISTOTLE  walk- 
ing to  and  fro  in  the  Lyceum  at  Athens 
what  time  he  expounded  his  philo- 
sophy. LYNCH  concerned  to  throw 
out,  on  Second  Reading,  Bill  dealing 
with  pensions  of  Colonial  Governors. 
Modern  habit  at  Westminster  is  to  face 


"TREASUEE    ISLAND." 

A  LOVEH  breeze  to  the  roses  pleaded, 
Failed  and  faltered,  took  heart  and 

advanced ; 

Up  over  the  peaches,  unimpeded, 
A    groat    Red   Admiral   ducked  and 

danced ; 
But  the  boy  with  the  book  saw  not, 

nor  heeded, 
Reading  entranced — entranced  ! 


-    He 


read,  nor  knew  that  the  fat 

bees  bumbled  ; 

He  woko  no  whit  to  the  tea- 
bell's  touch, 
The  browny  pigeons  that  wheeled 

and  tumbled, 
(For  how  should  a  pirate  reck 

of  such  ?). 

He  read,  and  tho  flaming  flower- 
beds crumbled, 
At  tap  of  the  sea-cook's  crutch  ! 


And 


him 


the 


The  Squire  (just  returned  from  London).   "  By  THE  WAY, 

HOW  DID  YOUR  BAZAAR   G3   OFF  ?  " 

Curate.  "Ou,  WE  HAVEN'T  HAD  IT  YET.    BY  SOME  ERROR 


IT  WAS  FIXED  FOR  T.IE  22X1),  AND  THE  VlCAR  VERY  WISELY 
rOSTl'ONED  IT.  HE  WAS  AFRAID  IT  MIGUT  INTERFERE  WITH 
THE  CORONATION." 


recording   the    atiack   on    Spion 

Kop,  putting  in  an  ascount  of   what  |  the  Chair,  stand  still  and  talk.    LYNCH, 


lo,    there    leapt    for 
dolphins  running 
The     peacock     seas     of 

buccaneer, 
Lone,    savage    reefs    where   the 

seals  lay  sunning, 
The  curve  of  canvas,  the  creak 

of  gear ; 
For  ever  the  Master's  wondrous 

cunning 
Lent  him  of  wizard  lear ! 


But  lost  are  the  garden  days  of 

leisure, 

Lost  with  their  wide-eyed  ten- 
year-old, 
Yet  if   you  'd  move  to  a  bygone 

measure, 
Or    shape    your    heart    to  an 

ancient  mould, 
Maroons     and     schooners      and 

buried  treasure 
Wrought  on  a  page  of  gold, — 

Then  take  the  book  in  the  dingy 


had  not  happened."  EEDVEBS  BULLED,  as  he  spoke,  strolle.1  up  and  down  the 
being,  ai  he  significantly  insisted,  "  a  empty  bench  below  Gangway,  whence 
gentleman,"  declined.  he  had  risen.  Eventually  strayed  so 

Evidently   a   County   Member   who   far  from  subject  that,  thrice  warned  by 

SPEAKER  of  the  ofl'enca  of  irrelevancy, 


who 
talked  disrespectfully  about  his  pastors 


and  masters  on  Treasury  Bjnch  must 
be  looked  after.  Be'ore  end  of  Ses- 
sion in  which  this  last  flare-up  took 
place  ACLAND-HOOD  was  made  Vice- 
Chamberlain;  two  years  later  was 
called  to  important  office  of  Chief 
Whip.  Now  has  been  further  pro- 
moted to  the  obscurity  of  House  of 
Lords,  and  a  long  familiar  figure 
disappears  from  the  Commons. 


he  was  ordered  to  resume  his  seat, 
which  he  did,  admitting  to  himself  that 
at  least  .he  had  had  a  healthful  half- 
mile  stroll. 

"There    should    In    no    more    entertaining  i  .  •.    -         ., 

match  in  the  seco: d  lound  than  (Jars  v.  Gober£  I       ***  3ca>  tawny  alid 
who  is  only  half  his  n^."—J>Jnning  Standard.'    — 

Lucky  GOBERT.     How  the  ladies  must 
I  envy  him. 


binding, 
Still  the  magic  comes,  bearded, 

great, 

And    swaggering    files    of     sea- 
thieves  winding 
Back,  with  their  ruffling  cut-throat 

.  gait, 
Eeclaim  an  hour  when  we  first  went 

finding 
Pieces  of  Eight — of  Eight. 


"  With  wonted  sonority  Big  Ben  boomed 
one.  There  was  nothing  in  or  around  Palace 
Yard  approaching  in  -gravity  the  lace  of  tlu 
:-lock,  except  perhaps  the  river,  rolling  steadily 


For  synopsis  of  previous  chapters  sea 
The  Daily  Telegraph  during  Coronation 
week.  You  can  start  this  story  now. 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


15 


A  GALA  PERFORMANCE  OF  THF 
FUTURE. 

KINO  HENRY  VIII. 

KINO    HENRY  VIII.  Sir  Barnes  Dor 

mer. 
CARDINAL  CAMPEIUS  Sir       Creasewcl 

Baggs,  O.M. 
CAPUCIUS,    Ambass- 
ador from  the  EM- 
PEROR CHARLES  V.  Sir  Charks  Kes 

wick. 
CiiANjJER     ...         ...  Sir  Maryon  Bad 

deley. 

DUKE    OF   NORFOLK  Sir  Julius  Gaga 
DUKE  OF  BUCKING- 
HAM   Sir  George  Gay. 

DUKE  OF  SUFFOLK  .  Sir    Tichborn 

Little. 
EARL  OF  SURREY  ...  Sir      Anthoni 

Harly. 
LORD   CHAMBERLAIN  Sir    Mulberry 

Bushe. 
LORD  CHANCELLOR  .  Sir    James     Le 

verett. 

GARDINER,  Bishop  of  Sir  Hunter  Tuf 
Winchester  . . .     ton. 

BISHOP  OF  LINCOLN  Sir   Shandoi 

Gaffney. 

LORD  ABERGAVENNY  Sir  Dion  Pullai 
LORD  SANDS          ...  Sir    Durhaii 

Maple. 

SIR  HENRY  GUILD- 
FORD          Sir  Shulbrede 

Goring. 
SIR  THOMAS  LOVELL  Sir  Thomas  Tabb- 

Lloyd. 
SIR  ANTHONY  DENNY  S i  r      Margate 

Whitdcy. 

SIR  NICHOLAS  VAUX  Sir  Ivory  Smiles. 
QUEEN     KATHABINE  Lady  Baddcley. 
ANNE  BULLEN       ...Lady    Pott- 
Greener. 
AN  OLD  LADY       ...  Lady  Gaga. 

AND 
CARDINAL  WOLSEY  .  Mr.  John  Smith. 


THE  SCHOOL  FOR  MOTLEY. 

[ "  It   is    pessimism    which    produces    wit. 
Optimism  is  nearly  always  dull."} 

WHEN  I  was  a  feather-brained  stripling 

And  new  to  my  frivolous  Muse, 
I  parodied  AUSTIN  and  KIPLINQ 

And  floundered  in  CALVERLEY'S  shoes. 
With   hope   as  a   tonic  I  primed  my 

internals 

And  sent  in  my  stuff  to  the  various 
journals. 

Although  the  wet  blanket  of  chronic 

Rejection  adhered  to  my  form, 
I'tcok  the  above-mentioned  tonic 

And  managed  to  keep  myself  warm. 
My  verses  were  light,  but  my  spirits 

were  lighter; 

Some  day,  I. kept  saying,  the  sky  would 
get  brighter. 


Heavy-goer  (at  a  late  hour).  "HAVEN'T  THE  LEAST  IDEA  WHAT  THE  TIME  is— HAVE  YOU?" 
lng  Partner  (seizing h:r  oppor'.unity).   "On,  JUST  ORDINARY  VALSE-TIME." 


Years  passed,  but  my  lot  never  varied, 
And  hope  seemed  to  suffer  a  slump, 
And  life  became  empty  and  arid — 

In  short,  I  contracted  the  "  hump." 
)espair  filled  my  heart,  once  so  sanguine 

and  placid ; 

'henceforward  I  wrote  not  with  ink, 
but  with  acid. 

put  away  laughter  and  pleasure, 
I  sought  Fortune's  arrows  and  slings, 
ind  found  what  a  wonderful  treasure 
Lies  hid  on  the  dark  side  of  things ; 
'or  woe  gave  me  wit,  and  my  bile-begot 

vapours 

'rocured  me  the  ear  of  the  humorous 
papers. 

.nd  now,  when  prosperity  chases 
The  frown  from  my  forehead,  I  go 

nd  scatter  my  cash  at  the  races, 
Or  visit  a  music-hall  show ; 


Restored  to   a  decent  depression,  in- 

stanter 
I  turn  out  a  column  of  exquisite  banter. 

Sour  grapes  make  the  daintiest  nectar ; 

I  fill  up  a  bumper  each  night 
To  banish  the  fatuous  spectre 

Of  dull-witted  joy  from  my  sight, 
And,  sitting  alone  hi  a  darkness  Cim- 
merian, 

I  drink  to  the  toast,  "A  long  life  and 
a  weary  'un  I  " 


Mr.   T.   P.   O'CONNOR  in  Reynolds' 

Newspaper: —  •  .  •• 

"Under  Lord  Lansdowne's  scheme,  three- 
fourths  or  even  three-fifths  of  the  peers  would 
disappear  from  the  House  of  Lords. " 

Mr.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR  should  attend 
the  "  Arithmetical  Help "  classes  of 
T.P.'s  Weekly. 


16 


PUNCH,  OR  THE -LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


TOUJOURS    A    LA    RUSSE. 

CORONATION  guests  may  come  and 
go,  bat  the  new  Russian  Ballet  is  here 
to  stay.  It  made  its  daring  debut  at 
Covent  Garden  on  the  very  eve  of  the 
Great  Day,  when  all  good  loyalists 
were  warned  to  be  in  their  beds  be- 
times, so  as  to  rise  at  3  o'clock  and 
wait  ten  hours  in  the  places  which 
most  of  those  who  were  not  frightened 
away  by  press  and  police  could  have 
reached  with  ease  at  the  last  moment. 

Bussian  dancers  at  the  Palaco 
Theatre  and  elsewhere  have  made  us 
familiar  with  figures  of  eight  or  so,  but 
here  with  increased  numbors  there  was 
scope  for  greater  intricacy  of  design. 
Yet  it  was  all  done  with  the  same 
apparently  un- 
studied and  spon- 
taneous ease  con- 
csalingtheartof  it. 

If  Madame  PAV- 
LOVA'S dances  - 
the  Butterfly,  the 
Swan,  the  Dying 
Rose  and  even  the 
Bacchanale  —  are 
the  embodiment  of 
a  single  idea  for 
which  the  music 
seems  to  serve  as 


art,  an  admirable  article  in  The  Times 
of  June  24.  There  you  will  learn 
what  makes  the  difference  between 
English  and  Russian  methods.  I  am 
half  afraid  that  in  this  matter  of  the 
ballet  we  Britons  never,  never,  never 
will  be  Slavs.  In  Le  Carnaval,  and 
in  Prince  Igor,  the  achievement  of 
individual  dancsrs  was  merged  in  the 
effect  of  the  ensemble,  but  the  piquant 
and  wayward  charm  of  Madame  ELSA 
WILL  as  Columbine  remains  clear  in 
my  memory.  And  I  was  glad  to 
notice  that  she  seemed  to  be  enjoying 
everything  quite  as  much  as  I  did. 
Perhaps  the  most  sensational  moments 
came  in  the  famous  war-dance  from 
BORODIN'S  opera  of  Prince  Igor.  I 
had  never  previously  assisted  at  one 


a  cursive  commen- 
tary, here,  in  Le 
Carnaval  of  SCHU- 
MANN, the  dance  is 
rather  an  interpre- 
tation of  the  music 
itself.  And  its  fas- 
cination lies  in  the 
perfect  accord  of 
the  dancers  not 
only  with  the  time, 
but  with  the  inten- 
tion, of  the  music. 
This,  perhaps, 
demanded  more  of  technique  than  of 
imagination,  for  the  music  was  Carnival- 
music,  and  the  dancers  had  only  to 
assume  the  dress  and  manner  of  the 
middle  of  the  19th  c:ntury  in  order 
to  become  the  vary  models  from  which 
the  fancy  of  SCHUMANN  had  worked. 
Greater  imagination  was  asked  of  the 
Moscow  dancers  who  were  recently 
interpreting  the  Pear  Gynt  suite ;  for, 
apart  from  the  Anitra  Mazurka,  the 
music  had  first  to  be  translated  into 
the  terms  of  ano.her  art. 

I  was  greatly  relieved  by  the  economy 
shown  in  the  use  of  those  symbolic 
and  artificial  gestures  which  worry  me 
to  death  in  most  ballets  with  a  story. 
Almost  every  motive  was  illustrated 
by  purely  natural  signs  that  made 
things  much  easier  for  my  home- 
grown intelligence.  I  commend,  on 
this  and  other  phases  of  the  Russians' 


In  this  "  tableau  "  Mme.  KARSAVINA 
came  very  near  indeed  to  the  perfection 
of  Madame  PAVLOVA,  but  missed  some- 
thing of  her  effortles3  grace  and  the 
lovely  motions  of  her  dainty  head. 

We  have  been  told  to  admire  the 
severity  of  the  background  in  Le 
Carnaval.  Let  me  say  at  onca  that 
it  is  not  comparable,  as  we  are  asked  to 
believe,  with  the  scenery  of  Snmurun, 
which  was  always  beautiful  when  most 
severe.  I  accept  the  simplicity  of 
the  blue-purple  hangings  of  the  lower 
wall ;  but  I  frankly  revolt  at  the  vast 
beflowered  frieze  above  it,  which  was 
unreasonably  gross  in  design  and 
coarse  in  execution.  And  surely  this 
ante-chamber  of  the  ball-room  might 
have  had  a  little  more  accommodation 
for  sitting-out;  and 
looked  rather  less 
like  a  deserted  mar- 
quee on  the  day 
after  a  Coronation 
Bazaar. 

I  ought  perhaps 
to  add  that,  at  the 
second  perfor- 
mance, I  did  not 
care  very  much  for 
the  intervals  be- 
tween the  ballets; 
they  lacked  that 
brevity  which 
should  be  the  very 
soul  of  this  part  of 
the  entertainment. 
O.  S. 


Coach  (on  cycle}.  "IlAso  YOU,  Oox  !    YOU'LL  BE  INTO  THE  BANK.     WHY  CAN'T  YOU  LOOK 

WHERE   YOU  'jut  GOING  ?  " 


of  thes3  orgies  in  the  camp  of  the 
Polovtzi  (even  the  name  is  not  a 
household  word  with  me),  and  I 
enjoyed  the  performance  very  much ; 
but  I  am  not  sure  whether,  if  I  had 
been  one  of  the  Slav  prisoners,  like 
Prince  Igor,  and  this  entertainment 
had  been  offered  me  as  a  distraction,  I 
should  have  regarded  the  proposal  as 
very  tactful,  or -derived  much  solace 
from  an  exhibition  "  in  which,"  as  my 
programme  tells  me,  "  is  shown  all 
the  barbarous  ferocity  of  the  nomadic 
tribe." 

Another  thrill,  and  more  exquisite, 
was  produced  in  my  veins  by  the  airy 
exit  of  the  genie  in  Le  Spectre  de  la 
Rose.  In  this  pretty  fantaisie  a  deux, 
M.  NIJINSKY  was  really  wonderful.  If 
not  of  so  classic  a  build  as  M.  MORUKIN, 
he  is  more  agile  and  various.  Perhaps 
he  is  also  too  gratuitously  acrobatic. 


"George   Stradling, 
D.D.,  fourth  son  of  Sir 
John  Stradliitjr,  of  St. 
Uumvad'a  Castle,  Gla- 
morgan, where  he  was 
born  in  1641,  when  15 
years    of  age  entered 
jeaus  College,  Oxford, 
from  where  he  gradu- 
j  ated  a  B.A.  in   1641.      He  was  a   first-class 
|  musician,  and  one  of  the  best  performers  of 
his  day  on  the  lute.    When  Charles  1 I.  ascended 
the  throne,   Stradling  was  made  Chaplain  to 
Dr.  Sheldon,  Bishon  of  London,  and  a  D.D., 
in  1621."— Smith  Wales  Daily  News. 

Nothing  like  the  lute  for  keeping  a  man 
young.  

"The  Bishop  Elect  of  Oosory  is  no  stranger 
to  the  sjulhern  dio=e:e — in  fact,  we  believe 
that  Cork  men  may,  in  a  sense,  claim  him  as  a 
native  of  their  county." 

Church  of  Ireland  Gazette. 

In  another  sense,  however,  he  was 
actually  born  in  India. 

"The  King  and  Queen  yesterday  afternoon 
|  pave  a  garden   party  at   Buckingham   Palace. 
;  Theie  was  a  very  lirge  attendance  of  guests,  of 
whom  about  6,000  had  been  invited." 

The  Times. 

The  conduct  of  the  others  in  pushing 
in  without  an  invitation  cannot  be 
too  strongly  condemned. 


JULY  5,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CIIAR1VARL 


17 


BEWAEDS   AND    FAIEY   TALES. 

["Mr.  Pierpont  Morgan  has  presented  the 
German  Emperor  with  an  autograph  letter  from 
Lather  to  the  Emperor  Charles  the  Fifth, 
which  Mr.  Morgan  bought  recently  for  £5,100. 

The  Emperor  has  conferred  upon  Mr.  Morgan 
the  First  Class  of  the  Order  of  the  Bed  Eagle, 
adds  Renter." — Daily  Paper.} 

SINCE  the  above  announcement  a 
number  of  distinguished  men  have 
profited  by  the  example  of  the  illus- 
trious American  financier. 

Thus,  Sir  EDWIN  BURNING-LAW- 
RENCE, Bart.,  has  presented  the 
Sultan  of  ZANZIBAR  with  an  autograph 
letter  from  Sir  PHILIP  SIDNEY  LEE  to 
the  late  Vice-Chancellor  BACON  for 
which  he  recently  refused  £10,000 
from  a  Chicago  multi-millionaire.  The 
SULTAN  lias  conferred  on  Sir  EDWIN 
DURNINQ-LAWREKCE  the  Order  of  the 
Okapi  (Third  Class). 

The  proprietor  of  the  Revue  du  Beau 
Mond  has  presented  the  King  of 
SIAM  with  the  MS.  of  an  article  by 
Sir  HORACE  HEWLETT,  for  which  the 
distinguished  contributor  was  paid  at 
the  rate  of  a  guinea  a  line.  The  King 
of  SIAM  has  been  graciously  pleased  to 
bestow  on  the  proprietor  the  Order  cf 
the  Great  Adult  Plover's  Egg  (Fourth 
Class). 

Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL  has  pre- 
sented to  KINO  PETER  of  Servia  a 
priceless  holograph  letter  from  the 
Dartmoor  Shepherd.  KINO  PETEE, 
who  was  much  touched  by  this  act  cf 
condescension,  has  decorated  the  HOME 
SECRETARY  with  the  Order  of  the  Golden 
Fleece. 

Mr.  HALI,  CAINE  has  bestowed  on  the 
Maharajah  of  PATIALA  a  lithographed 
copy  of  a  letter  from  himself  to  DANTE 
GABRIEL  BOSSETTI.  The  MAHARAJAH 
in  return  has  conferred  on  the  eminent 
novelist  the  First-Class  Order  of  the 
Bombay  Duck. 

THE  "INCLUSIVE  TOUB- 
SEJOUE." 

[Til*  writer  lias  just  received  the  Programme, 
unsolicited,  of  an  enterprising  Touting  Com- 
pany.] 

TRUE,  it  has  a  certain  glamour ; 

Swiftly  scanned,  its  pages  show 
Specious  charms  which  might  ena- 

mcur 

One  whose  wits  were  rather  slow, 
Not  an  intellectual  person  (I  am  pretty 
bright,  you  know). 

No,  these  Tours  will  hardly  bear  a 

Close  inspection.     Thus,  e.g., 
"  Week  in  Beaulieu  (Eiviera), 

At  the  Grand  H6tel  Fifi  ; 
Cost,  in   all,  £5    5s.   Od.  only.     Very 
shortest  route  by  sea." 

Good  1    But  when  one  thinks  it  over 
One's  suspicions  quickly  wake. 


EIVAL  SCHOOLS  OF  STAGE  DECORATIVE  ART. 


"CHARLIE'S  AUKT"  TREATED  IN  THE  SEVERE  METHOD  OF  MR.  GoRrox  CRAIO. 


"CHARLIE'S  ADNT"  TREATED  IN  THE  VOLUPTUOUS  METHOD  o»  COVKST  GAI-.DEN. 


I.  Our  Tour  begins  at  Dover, 
Thither,  therefore,  we  must  make 

Our  laborious  way  by  walking,  till  our 
nether  muscles  ache. 

II.  We  have,  it  seems,  to  travel 
All  the  way  without  a  crumb ; 

One  might  reasonably  cavil 

At  such  treatment  of  the  turn. 

Nor  have  we  a  lavish  diet  through  the 

trying  days  to  come. 

Petit  dejeuner  is  little 

To  sustain  a  healthy  man, 

Yet  you  get  no  other  victual 
For  a  very  lengthy  span ; 


You  must  wait,  in  fact,  till  diner  (say 
7.30)  if  you  can. 

•III.  We  travel  Third,  since  Second 

Lies  beyond  the  price's  scope. 
IV.  No  tips  at  all  are  reckoned  ; 
Vain  the  (jargon's  grin  of  hopa. 
V.  We  pay   to  wash  our  faces  (vide 
memo,  as  to  soap). 

Why  continue/  this  recital  ? 

For  myself,  I  '11  merely  say 
(Half  in  Freneh,  as  in  the  title), 

If  to  foreign  parts  I  stray, 
JL  Boulogne  j'irai  pour  fldner  sur  la 
plaje  (for  half  a  day). 


18 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK   LONDON   C1IAE1VARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


MILTO*  BEFORE  THE  DIVORCE  COMMISSION. 

[Mrs.  MII.TDS'S  flight  from  her  laisbund  during  their  honeymoon, 
and  the  ii.spiiii  j;  effect  of  tlii.t  ii.cidcnt  on  the  Poets  views  with  regard 
ta  Marriaga  and  Uivoro;,  are  nutters  of  liistory.  By  request  of  the 
President  ("Alilton!  .  .  Knglund  hath  need  of  the \"  was  the  foim 
which  lis  iiivitnti>:i  took>  the  venerable  Poet  at  con- iderable  personal 
•u  • .  iivi-iiicm;.1  attcrdid  the  793rcl  sitting  of  the  Commission  (whose 
Report  is  still  awaited),  and  contributed  the  following  testimony  and 
advice.  ] 

TWICE,  Sirs,  hath  England  called  me  in  her  need  ; 

The  former  summons  seemed  an  empty  sound — 
Mere  murmuring  of  a  pantheistic  reed 

In  undrained  corners  of  the  Sonnet's  ground. 

But  near  my  heart  tha  present  business  lies ; 

And  lest  confusion  on  your  counsels  wait, 
Or  Truth  go  beggared  from  this  blind  assize 

Of  wrangling  tongues,  my  views  I  here  re-stale. 
Nay,  Sirs,  I  will  not  sit.     My  Eecord  stands  ; 

And  shall  its  Author  meaner  pose  assume  ? 
But  throw  the  casements  wide — my  voice  demands 

An  ampler  circuit  than  this  frowsy  room. 

My  Eecord  stands.     Four  tractates  on  Divorce, 
On  Wedlock  proved  a  vain  and  tottering  boon  ; 

I  wrote  them,  Sirs,  with  full  Miltonic  force 
In  the  grey  month  miscalled  my  honeymoon. 

And  here,  Sirs,  I  dispel  the  common  bruit 

Too  long  has  vilified  my  stately  name ; 
My  wife  (not  I)  first  jarred  the  marriage-lute ; 

On  her  must  fall  the  perdurable  blame. 

I  paid  her,  Sirs,  a  presbyter's  respect ; 

Earely  embraced  her  in  the  public  street ; 
Sate  where  she  sate,  and  when  sho  strode  erect 

Pronounced  approval  of  her  sterling  feet ; 

Incisive  interest  in  her  parents  showed, 

•  Her  sepia  drawings,  womanly  concerns ; 
And,  exercising  till  my  temper  glowed, 

Much  wood  I  hewed  and  brimmed  the  water-urns. 

A  consort  faithful,  though  in  rule  supreme ; 

My  last  infirmity,  ambrosial  food ; 
My  first  offence,  to  build  the  epic  theme 

And  guide  a  lovelier  Eve  through  solitude. 

She  thought  me,  Sirs,  a  little  touched — yes,  mad  1 
And,  so  opining,  turned  elsewhere  her  charms ; 

On  a  green  you'.h  (with  ample  verdure  clad) 

Bestowed  her  lips,  her  strange,  ambiguous  arms. 

But  Truth  hath  open  aspect,  free  report, 
And  plain  response  to  every  earnest  call ; 

Challenged,  its  punctual  thunders  soon  retort ; 

Woo'd,  its  benignant  whispers  breathe  through  all. 

I  marvel,  Sirs,  you  miss  its  instant  sign 
And  cloak  transparency  with  scrannel  art. 

Let  contest  cease,  and  silence  weigh  this  line — 
"  My  soul  was  like  a  Star,  and  dwelt  apart." 

Apart ;  as  Stars,  as  husbands  still  must  dwell 

When  wives  and  fellow-stars  exhale  from  sight. 
Marriage ! — nay,  render  it  dissoluble, 

And  grant  Divorce  full  charter  and  free  right. 
But  frame  exceptions,  Sirs.     The  common  herd, 

The  verseless,  vast,  immeditative  throng 
(Who  read  Me  not)  are  scarcely  yet  prepared 

For  th'  linked  sweetness  Life  should  then  prolong — 

Lost  Paradise  at  moderate  cost  Eegained ; 

Benevolent  wives  displacing  the  acerb ; 
Bliss  multiplied ;  variety  maintained ; 

And  Love  free-branching  as  a  Latin  verb. 


THE  WALKING  TOUR. 

"  THE  lowing  herd,'  "  began  Joseph.  He  and  Herbert 
voni  walking  in  a  country  lane  and  had  just  passed  some 
jows. 

"  They  weren't  lowing,"  said  Herbert. 

" '  Not  a  low  was  heard,  not  a  funeral  note,'  "  said  Joseph. 

"  That 's  simply  silly,"  said  Herbert.  "  You  began  by 
saying  the  cows  were  lowing,  and  when  I  pointed  out  that 
ihey  weren't  you  just  go  and  admit  it ;  cave  in  like — like  a 
stupid  old  cockchafer.  Why  can't  you  stand  up  for  your 
opinions  like  a  man  and  argue  tilings  out  ?  I  hate  a  chap 
who  chucks  up  the  sponge  as  soon  as  he's  touched." 

;l  I  was  only  quoting,"  said  Joseph. 

"  There  you  go  again,"  laughed  Herbert  bitterly.  "  Quot- 
ng !  Why,  1 11  bet  anything  you  don't  know  where  it 
comes  from." 

;l  Where  what  comes  from  ?  " 

'  Your  blessed  quotation." 

'  There  were  two,"  said  Joseph. 

"  Well,  let 's  take  the  first — '  the  lowing  herd  '  which 
wasn't  lowing.  Who  wrote  that  ?  " 

"  KEATS,"  said  Joseph  patiently. 

"  Never  heard  of  him.  Don't  believe  there  ever  was 
such  a  person." 

"  KEATS,"  said  Joseph,  "  is  not  Mrs.  Harris." 

"  Who  said  he  was  ?." 

"  You  implied  it.  But  I  suppose  you  '11  tell  me  next  you 
never  rend  Nicholas  Nickleby." 

"  I  '11  tell  it  you  now,  and  you  can  do  what  you  like 
about  it." 

"  Well,  well,"  said  Joseph,  "  we  won't  worry  about 
Nicholas  Nickleby  just  at  present.  But  I  'm  going  to 
tell  you  about  KEATS." 

"  You  're  not." 

"Yes,  I  am." 

"  Well,  I  shan't  listen." 

"  As  you  please.  KEATS  was  a  poet.  He  died  young. 
SHELLEY  wrote  an  ode  to  him.  No,  stop — I  think  it  was 
BYKON.  And  the  man  who  doesn't  know  about  KEATS  is 
more  or  less  of  a  barbarian." 

"  Very  well,"  said  Herbert,  "  I  'm  a  barbarian — more, 
mind  you,  not  less,  and  I  'm  proud  of  it.  But  I  know  about 
your  infernal  lowing  herd.  It 's  the  one  bit  of  poetry  I  do 
know.  'The  lowing  herd  winds  slowly  o'er  the  lea.'  There!" 

"  '  Plods,'  "  said  Joseph,  "  not  '  winds."  " 

"  No,"  said  Herbert  firmly,  "  '  plods '  comes  in  the  next 
line.  '  The  ploughman  swiftly  plods  his  homeward  way." 
Yah !  Get  out  with  you.  You  don't  know  your  own  silly 
quotations.  Besides,  it  wasn't  KEATS  who  wrote  that." 

"  Who  was  it,  then  ?  " 

"  It  was  a  chap  called  POPE." 

"  Ha,  ha,"  laughed  Joseph.  "  POPE,  indeed !  I  tell  you 
what  it  is  :  I  didn't  come  on  this  walking  tour  in  order  to 
have  you  thrusting  your  superior  airs  down  my  throat  all 
the  time." 

"  And  I,"  said  Joseph,  "  don't  mean  to  stick  it  any 
longer,  either.  Twenty  miles  a  day  seem  like  fifty  when  a 
fellow 's  throwing  mouldy  old  quotations  at  you  from 
morning  to  night — and  throwing  them  all  wrong,  too.  It 
isn't  good  enough.  Besides,"  he  added,  "  my  heel 's  as  sore 
as  it  can  be,  and  my  throat 's  as  dry  as  a  lime-burner's 
wig." 

"  Same  here,"  said  Joseph.  "  We  'd  better  make  the 
best  of  it.  It 's  only  another  mile  to  Barton  End." 

Political  Candour. 

"The  creation  of  400  or  500  peers  is  a  contingency  that  Liberals 
regard  with  perfect  complacency." — The  Daily  Chronicle, 


Jri.y  5,   nil.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


;     ''n<!i>7>- 


c 


THE    DAY    AFTER. 

TllE   OX   ROASTED   WHOLE   PROVES  TOO   MUCH    FOB  OUU   VILLAGE. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Sta/  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

The  M trrici'je  of  Barbara  (CONSTABLE)  was  one  of  thos? 
ralher  unfortunate  and  worrying  little  a 'fairs  that  seam  to 
have  bson  noi  infrequent  in  tli3  days  of  the  historical 
novel.  Birbara  was  basieged  with  other  royalists  in  a 
castle,  to  which  a  spy  of  tha  Parliamentarians  gainsd 
access  by  her  bedroom  window.  So  when  Barbara's  uncle, 
who  had  a  nice  sense  of  the  proprieties,  found  this  out  he 
insisted  that  the  spy  should  first  marry  hor,  anl  then  be 
shot.  Which  would  have  happened  but  for  the  fact  that, 
as  soon  as  tha  coremony  was  finished,  a  surprise  attack 
allowed  Barbara's  bridegroom  to  escape ;  with  the  result 
that  she  finds  herself  for  the  rest  of  thj  book  married  to  a 
gout Ionian  whom  she  hardly  even  knows  by  sight.  This, 
however,  has  happened  so  often  in  fiction  that  not  all  the 
skill  of  Mr.  FUANKFORT  MOOKE  could  give  mo  anything 
ionishment  when  Barbara  subsequantly  falls  in  love 
with  one  Rodman,  and  when,  torn  between  sentiment  and 
duty,  she  discovers  at  the  critical  moment  that  her  husband 
and  lover  are  really — what  there  was  obviously  noi  the 
remotest  chance,  in  a  book  of  this  kind,  of  their  not  being 
— the  same  person.  True,  the  author  endeavours  to  give 
an  unexpected  turn  to  his  plob  in  the  final  chapters  by 
introducing  yet  another  character,  exactly  like  Barbara's 
liu-ihand  suitor  in  appearance,  who  ssems  to  have  been 
using  this  similarity  for  his  own  private  ends.  But  the 
only  result  was  to  plunge  me  into  a  state  of  mental 
chaos  as  to  which  of  the  love-scenes  had  been  with  whom ; 
and  this  hardly  added  to  my  enjoyment  of  the  book, 


though  it  naturally  increassd  my  sympathy  with  Barbara 
when  she  had  to  sort  them  out  at  the  end. 

Let  the  critics,  lamenting  the  decadence  of  everything, 
remark  dolefully,  if  they  must,  upon  the  lack  nowadays  of 
literary  genius  ;  at  any  rate  it  must  be  admitted  that  there 
is  a  consoling  number  of  clever  novelists  left  and  that 
Mr.  MARMADUKE  PICKTHA.LL  is  one  of  them.  Pot  au  Fen 
(MUBBAY)  is  a  collection  of  short  stories,  of  which  the  first 
three  alone  are  negligible.  These  are,  as  it  were,  sighting 
shots,  and  by  the  end  of  them  the  author  has  got  his  eye  in 
and  hardly  misses  the  bull  again.  His  scenes  are  laid  in  three 
countries.  At  home  in  England  he  is  comfortably  amusing  : 
in  Switzerland  he  is  very  intelligent  and  naively  delightful : 
in  the  East  he  is  at  his  best,  and  his  is  a  very  engaging 
and  humorous  best.  If  you  have  seen  Mr.  OSC-AB  ASCHE  in 
Kismet  and  desire  further  exposition  of  that  peculiarly  easy, 
almost  lazy,  humour  of  the  Orient,  you  may  find  what  you 
are  wanting  in  the  last  nine  of  Mr.  PICKTHALI/B  stories, 
which  are  grouped  under  the  general  and  characteristic 
heading  of  "  In  the  Heat  of  the  Sun."  At  the  beginning  of 
each  of  them  it  is  impossible  to  foresee  whether  the  climax 
will  be  one  of  tragedy  or  sudden  laughter ;  and  life,  after 
all,  is  very  much  like  that.  The  general  impression  left 
behind  is  that  it  does  not  much  matter  in  the  East  whether 
the  final  event  is  happy  or  catastrophic,  provided  that 
some  amusement  is  to  be  got  out  of  the  affair  while  it  is 
happening.  And  if  life,  by  any  chance,  is  not  like  that  in 
the  East  then  it  ought  to  be. 

In  Mrs.  Elmsley  (CONSTABLE)  Mr.  HECTOR  MUNHO 
has  given  us  a  deeply  interesting  psychological  study  ol 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  5,  1911. 


two  women  and  a  man,  and  incidentally  a  vivid  impie3- 
sionist  sketch  of  the  largo  manufacturing  town  in  which 
they  lived.  As  a  Londoner  I  feel  that  Mn.  Elmsky  and 
Colin  Liddel  and  Miss  Colonbotti  belong  to  a  different  race 
from  that  which  talks  the  jargons  of  Chelsea  and  Mayfair,  j 
so  that  to  find  that  the  two  first  know  and  discuss  NIETSCHE  I 
and  MAETERLINCK  and  IBSEN  and  TUHGENEV  and  MEREDITH 
and  SHAW  and  all  their  works  with  understanding  and; 
familiarity  comes  upon  me  with  something  of  a  shock. 
I  don't  mean  that  Mr.  MUNRO  intended  me  to  he  affected 
in  this  v.ay.  It's  just  the  result  of  my  overweening, 
Cockney  conceit,  which  I  must  really  take  in  hand  some 
day — say  when  the  Coronation  season  is  over.  But  I  men- 
tion the  fact  here  to  show  how  skilfully  he  has  caught  the 
atmosphere  of  the  people  he  is  describing.  Miss  Colonbotti 
is  in  love  with  Liddel,  who  doesn't  care  for  her  "  in  that 
way,"  and  does  care  very  much  inJeed  for  the  unhappily 
married  Mrs.  Elmsley,  who  for  her  part  allows  the  interest 
which  she  at  first  takes  in  him  and  his  commercial  career 
to  develop  into  a  much  stronger  and  more  tender  passion. 
The  people  in  Mr.  MUNHO'S 
hook,  that  is  to  say1,  are 
exactly  like  the  rest  of  the 
world  in  what  they  say  and 
want  and  do.  And  yet  all 
the  time  they  give  me  the 
feeling  that  they  are  dif- 
ferent. That,  1  think,  is 
the  strong  point  of  his 
story.  He  has  put  the 
local  colour  into  their  lives 
as  well  as  into  their  sur- 
roundings— a  far  from  easy 
task — with  the  result  that 
they  strike  me  as  being 
quite  unusually  real  human 
beings. 

The  course  of  true  matri- 
mony cannot  be  expected 
to  be  quite  smooth,  unless 
neither  the  bride  nor  the 
bridegroom  has  any  near 
relatives  to  take  or  give  of- 
fence. An  old-established 
convention  limits  the  diffi- 
culty to  the  single  instance  of  the  mother-in-law,  but  there 
are  also  in  real  life  fathers  and  brothers,  and  particularly 
sis'.ers,  to  ha  considered.  When  the  bridegroom  is  already 
up  against  his  family,  who,  being  English  and  "  County,"  and 
therefore,  according  to  Miss  MAUD  DIVEK,  Philistines,  have 
no  use  for  his  artistic  leanings  and  his  philanderings  with 
sticky  paints  and  mystical  canvases,  the  difficulty  is  likely 
to  be  very  present  and  not  to  be  minimized  by  the  fact 
that  the  bride  is  a  Hindoo  with  a  strong  racial  and  family 
pride  of  her  own.  In  Lilamani :  A  Study  in  Possibilities 
(HUTCIIINSON)  there  are  so  many  forces  opposed  to  the 
marriage  of  Nevil  Sinclair  and  his  Jewel  of  Delight  as  to 
make  the  practical  onlooker  question  at  the  start  whether 
all  the  love  in  the  world  can  make  it  worth  while.  But  he 
will  content  himself  with  the  thought  that,  if  they  persist, 
the  trouLle  of  it  is  for  them,  while  for  him  is  the  pleasure 
of  studying  the  development  of  a  remarkable  situation  in 
which  no  point  of  view  is  omitted  to  be  considered  and  from 
which  a  very  reasonable,  probable  and' happy  conclusion 
is  reached.  He  may  get  a  little  tired  of  the  artists  and 
their  art,  and  may  wish  that  Miss  DIVER  had  not  spoilt  her 
adequate  style  with  so  many  affectations  after  the  manner 
of  "  understanded  "  for  "understood."  Meanwhile,  he  is 


bound  to  he  intrigued  always,  and  at  times  positively  struck, 
with  the  authoress's  insight.  It  is  conceivable  that  he  will 
find  himself,  after  all,  wishing  that,  in  spite  of  the  worry  of 
ib,  it  had  fallen  to  his  own  lot  to  marry  Lilamani  and  blow 
the  expense. 

The  Broken  Phial  (CONSTABLE)  may  bestow  a  buffet 
upon  those  \\ho  expect  Mr.  PERCY  WHITE  to  give  them 
copious  doses  of  wit  and  irony.  For  here  he  has  abandoned 
his  attitude  of  amusement  at  the  world,  and  in  consequence 
has  made  what — to  my  mind — is  an  ascension.  I  cannot 
say  that  his  plot  is  either  free  from  melodrama  or  dis- 
tinguished for  its  originality,  but  far  from  contemning  him 
as  a  melodramatist  I  thank  the  gods  that  he  has  deserted 
atmospheres  which  were  inclined  to  be  stuffy,  and  has 
given  us  a  heroine  who  really  lives  and  loves  and  suffers 
for  her  love.  Mr.  WHITE  has  never  drawn  a  character  at 
once  so  complex  and  so  credib'e  as  Joan  Fairbairn,  but 
when  we  descend  to  the  straightforward  offensiveness  of  her 
uncle  I  find  my  belief  taxed  to  its  limits.  Indeed  among 

all  the  disagreeable  old 
Croesuses  of  fiction  (one 
wonders  incidentally 
whether  novelists  are  the 
most  unmercenary  people 
living  or  if  very  few  of 
them  have  ever  had  rich 
relations)  the  prize  for  the 
finest  collection  of  petty 
vices  must  bs  awarded  to 
Maurice  Fairbairn.  And 
even  after  this  super- 
autocratic  incarnation  of 
grumpiness  had  died  in 
a  paroxysm  of  rage,  he 
managed  to  leave  a  legacy 
of  perplexities.  Mr. 
WHITE'S  skill,  however,  is 
shown  not  so  clearly  in  his 
construction  of  difficulties 
as  in  his  recovery  from 
them.  His  bunkers  are 
crude  enough,  but  his 
shots  out  of  them  are 
followed  through  with  the 
effectiveness  of  an  expert. 


THINGS  WE  HAVE  NEVER  SEEN. 

A  CLIENT  REFUSING  10   PAY  FOB  HEE  PORTRAIT    BECAUSE  IT  FLAT'I  BBS   HEP.. 


Whether  readers  of  The  School  of  Love  (WEKNEK  LAURIE). 
will  like  it  or  not  depends  largely  upon  their  feelings 
towards  the  reformed  rake,  but  I  am  convinced  that  my 
only  chance  to  take  a  degree  in  such  a  school  as  this  of 
Miss  PBISCILLA  CRAVEN'S  would  be  by  means  of  an  aegrotat. 
I  sympathise  with  Verity  Marlowe,  the  little  American  girl 
who  married  Sir  Burford  Bees,  and  never  more  keenly  than 
when  "  they  galloped  off  in  full  cry  after  the  hounds."  As 
Sir  Burford  was  an  M.F.H.  this  little  incident  may  possibly 
have  not  passed  without  comment,  but  although  he  had 
been  seeking  trouble  for  some  forty  years  he  did  not  really 
find  it  until — on  his  wedding-day — he  was  cited  as  co- 
respondent in  a  petition  for  divorce.  Then  Verity  told 
him  that  he  had  acted  "  like  any  beast  of  the  field,"  and  he 
was  called  upon  to  perform  prodigies  of  self-control  and 
courage  before  he  was  forgiven.  An  aviating  nobleman 
(who  was  killed)  and  a  suffragette  (who  was  mobbed)  have 
bean  introduced  to  bring  this  sad  old  theme  completely 
up  to  date ;  but  I  refuse  to  accept  Sir  Burford  as  a  fail- 
specimen  of  his  class,  and  I  am  tantalised  that  the  author 
should  waste  her  considerable  talent  upon  such  a  profitless 
subject. 


JULY  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


21 


CHARIVARIA. 

WE  understand  that  it  was  solely  with 
a  view  to  avoid  hurting  the  feelings  of 
the  members  of  the  Government  who 
were  present  at  the  Coronation  Service, 


that   an    alteration    was 
words  of  the  Anthem  : — 


the  Singular  Voting  whereby  Ireland 
is  so  grossly  over-represented  in  the 
House  of  Commons. 

:;:     :;: 

Sir    EDWARD   GREY   was   forced 
acknowledge,    in   the    debate    on    the 


"Cont'imiiil  thrir  politics, 
Frustrate  their  knavish  tricks." 


The  Peers  are  grateful  to  Mr.  HARDIE 
for  his  flattering  reference  to  — 
their  best  clothes.  "  Their 
robes,"  says  the  great  Repub- 
lican, "  make  one  think  of 
the  Roman  toga  :  a  form  of 
dress  to  which  men  will  one 
day  return."  There  is  some- 
thing, after  all,  in  this  fore- 
cast of  KEIK'S.  If  women 
take  to  trousers,  men,  no 
doubt,  will  have  to  adopt 
some  form  of  skirt  to  differ- 
entiate their  sex. 


Some  interesting  decora- 
tions in  the  City  seem  to 
have  escaped  the  attention 
they  deserved.  In  some  parts 
there  were  heavy  ropes  of 
evergreens  held  up  in  the  air 
by  butterflies.  The  strain  on 
the  poor  beasts'  mouths  must 
have  been  cruel.  And  in  one 
street  a  number  of  trellis- 
work  gates  were  suspended 
over  the  road,  looking  for  all 
the  world  like  a  steeplechase 
course  for  aeroplanes. 

General  NOGI,  when  he  in- 
spected a  troop  of  Boy  Scouts 
in  Hyde  Park,  paid  a  pretty 
compliment  to  their  versa- 
tility. He  addressed  them 
in  the  Japanese  language. 


made  in  the  j  Declaration  of   London,  that   our   re- 
fusal  to  ratify  the  Declaration  would  unjustifiable, 
cause  great  dissatisfaction  among  Con- 


"  OUR  UGLY  STAMPS. 
BULGARIA  FIRST,   GREAT   BRITAIN 

NOWHERE" 

runs  a  heading  in  The  Observer.     This 
to   insinuation  that  our  country  does  not 
excel   in   ugly   stamps   strikes    us    as 
being  somewhat  unpatriotic,  and  even 


tinental  Powers. 


V 


The    Royal    Commission    on   Coast 


There  is  something  pecu- 
liarly appropriate  in  the  gift 
to  the  nation  of  four  air- 
cutters  by  Mr.  BABBEE. 

•  *  * 


"  WOT  CHEER,  ALF?  YER  I.OOKIN'  SICK  ;  WOT  is  IT?" 

"WORK!       NUFFINK     BUT     WORK,      WORK,      WORK,     FROM 
TILL   NIGHT." 

"'Ow  LONG  'AVE  YER  BEEN  AT  IT?" 

"START  TO-MORRER." 
Those    persons    who    are 

booking  seats  for  "The  Green 
phant ;>  under  the  impression 
the  piece  is  a  sequel  to  "  The 


Ele- 

that 


Blue 
Bird  "  are  courting  disappointment. 

#  * 

A 

Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  AS  "  HERO  "  is  a 
head-line  in  The  Daily  Chronicle,  and 
we  are  astonished  that  our  contempo- 
rary, of  all  papers,  should  have  inserted 
those  ironical  inverted  commas. 

*  * 

Major  MOERISON-BELL  has  done  well 
in  drawing  attention  to  the  fact  that  a 
greater  scandal  than  the  Plural  Voting 
which  Mr.  ASQUITH  seeks  to  remedy  is 


Erosion  has  reported  that  our  island  is 
growing  in  size  yearly.  A  meeting  of 
Little  Englanders  has,  we  hear,  been 
summoned  to  consider  the  serious 
position  thus  disclosed. 

A  school  of  whales  was  stranded  by 
the  ebb-tide  near  Penzance  the  other 
day,  and  "  some  of  the  whales,"  The 
Express  tells  us,  "  were  mutilated  so 
terribly  by  souvenir  hunters  that  the 
coastguards  had  to  shoot  them."  It 
seems  almost  too  good  to  be  true  to 
hope  that  the  word  "  them "  really 
refers  to  the  souvenir  hunters. 


Meanwhile  the  popular  discontent 
increases.  The  latest  grievance  is  to 
the  effect  that  the  POSTMASTER- 
GENERAL  is  now  giving  us 
fewer  words  for  our  money. 
It  has  been  discovered  that 
on  the  new  halfpenny  stamp 
the  word  "halfpenny"  ap- 
pears as  one  word,  and  not, 
as  before,  as  two. 

*  * 

=:: 

The  complaint  that  the 
stamps  are  insufficiently 
gummed  on  the  back  frankly 
pleases  us,  for  we  hope  this 
means  that  the  POSTMASTER- 
GENERAL  will  not  stick  to 
them.  ...  :.. 

It  transpires  that  Mr.  MAC- 
KENNAL  is  only  responsible 
for  the  frames.  It  seems 
incredible  that  anyone  should 
have  thought  the  engraved 
photographs  worth  framing. 
••;•  * 

A  considerable  number  of 
i  London  firemen  have  received 
i  orders  to  be  present  at  the 
i  investiture  of  the  Prince  of 
WALES.    Yet  we  understand 
that    Mr.    LLOYD   GEORGE'S 
)  speech  (if  any)  will  not  be  of 
an  inflammatory  character. 

*  * 

' '  He  is  a  liou — a  lion. 
Yes!'  He  is  better  than  that; 
lie  is  a  hi{>]K>j>otaniU8." 

So  runs  the  Boy  Scouts' 
chorus;  and  it  is  said  that, 
for  some  occult  reason,  Lord 
HALUANE  never  hears  it 
vv.'thout  wincing. 

'     As  the  result  of  a  recent 

regrettable  fiasco,  bridegrooms  are  now 
taking  the  precaution  to   get  engaged 


MORX1N 


to  at  least  one  of  the  bridesmaids  in 
addition  to  the  bride,  so  to  ensure  that 
a  wedding  shall  take  place  in  any  event. 

v* 

A  by-law  has  been  passed  at  East- 
bourne rendering  it  penal  to  allow  a  dog 
to  bark  on  the  beach  to  the  annoyance 
of  the  visitors.  We  understand  that  a 
meeting  of  barking  dogs  has  already 
been  held  to  consider  the  situation,  and 
it  was  resolved  that,  if  the  obnoxious 
regulation  be  not  at  once  rescinded, 
they  should  take  to  biting  instead. 


VOL.    CXLI. 


22 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  12,  1911. 


THE    BUTLER'S    £5. 

(A  True  Story.) 

WE  had  been  staying — the  three  of 
us — for  a  fortnight  in  Ireland,  fishing, 
at  Began's.  To-morrow  was  the  last 
day  and  we  were  driving  over  to 
Rushtown  to  see  the  races  when 
Captain  O'Driscoll  overtook  us  in  his 
American  buggy. 

"  Going  to  the  races  ?  "  he  asked  as 
he  slowed  down  for  a  moment.  "  So  'm 
I.  See  you  there."  lie  clicked  on, 
and  then,  stopping  again,  turned  round 
to  call  out — "  Don't  forget  Blackadder 
for  the  College  Stakes.  Dead  cert. 
Put  your  shirts  on,"  and  was  again 
off. 

"  All  very  well,"  said  Glenister 
thoughtfully,  "but  where  are  our  shirts? 
Speaking  personally,  my  shirt  is  a 
return  ticket  to  London  and  about 
eighteen  shillings;  which  I  shall  need." 

"  Yes,"  said  Bradley.  "  And  I  'm  no 
better  off,  confound  it !  " 

"You  forget,''  said  I,  "that  I  have 
a  five-pound  note  in  my  pocket  in- 
tended as  our  joint  tip  to  old  Kice. 
Lucky  we  decided  to  put  it  aside." 
:  "Yes,",  said  Glenister,  "but  that's 
the  butler's." 

"  Not  till  to  morrow,"  said  I. 

"No,"  said  Bradley,  "not  till  to- 
rn 01TOW." 

;  "But  hang  it  all,"  said  Glenister, 
"where  are  we  if  we 'put  it  on  this 
horse  and  the  beggar  loses  ?  I  know 
these  dead  certs.  It  won't  be  Rice's 
to-morrow,  then,  will  it  ?  To  my  mind 
it  "s  his  now,  and  we  ought  to  respect 
his  ownership.  It  was  to  make  sure 
of  his  having  it  that  we  gave  it  to  the 
Goat  to  keep."  (I  am  the  Goat.) 

"  Perfectly  logical,"  I  said.  "  But 
all  the  same  here 's  a  straight  tip,  and 
it 's  a  sin  not  to  use  it.  One  doesn't 
often  get  them,  and  to  start  a  whole 
menagerie  of  sophistries  in  return  is 
the  kind  of  ingratitude  that  providence 
doesn't  soon  forgive." 

"  Of  course,"  said  Bradley.  "  The 
Goat 's  right.  And,  after  all,  there  's 
no  sense  in  being  so  infernally  con- 
scientious. A  gamble  's  a  gamble,  and 
old  Eice  would  ba  almost  as  pleased 
to  hear  that  we  had  put  his  fiver  on  a 
horse  as  to  have  it  shoved  into  his 
hand." 

Glenister  laughed.  "I  say  no  more," 
he  said.  "You  do  what  you  like  with 
the  fiver.  Personally,  I  shall  have 
ten  shillings  on  Blackadder  to  win, 
although  why  on  earth  we  all  swallow 
that  soldier  man's  advice  so  unquestion- 
ingly  I  shall  never  understand." 

"  If  the  Goat  will  lend  me  two 
pounds,"  said  Bradley,  "  I  will  back 
Blackadder  for  a  pound  both  ways." 

"The  Goat  won't,"  said  I.    "  All  t!  at 


the  Goat  proposes  to  do  is  to  put  the 
butler's  fiver  on  to  win." 

This,  later,  I   did,  having   found  a 

bookmaker  who  was  giving  10  to  1 ; 

and,  true  to  Captain  O'Driscoll's  word, 

i  Blackadder  romped  in  an  easy  winner. 

I  collected  the  eleven  rustling  five- 
pound  notes  and  stowed  them  carefully 
'  away  inside  my  coat,  and  in  the  late 
afternoon  we  drove  back.  Naturally 
we  had  a  good  deal  to  say  about  the 
racing,  our  fortunate  meeting  with 
O'Driscoll,  and  so  forth.  And  then 
suddenly  Glenister  remarked,  "  I  won- 
der what  the  old  boy  will  do  with  it  ? 
Set  up  as  a  small  tobacconist  in  Dublin, 
do  you  think?  " 

"  What  old  boy  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Why,  Eice,  of  course." 

"  You  can't  set  up  as  a  small 
tobacconist  on  five  pounds,"  said 
Bradley.  "  At  least,  if  you  did,  you  'd 
be  so  small  a  tobacconist  that  your 
customers  would  want  a  microscope." 

"Don't  be  an  idiot,"  said  Glenister. 
"  He  '11  have  fifty-five  pounds,  won't 
he?" 

Bradley  and  I  were  silent.  This  was 
a  proposition  that  needed  thought. 

"  I  don't  see  why  he  should  have 
more  than  the  fiver,"  I  said  at  last. 
"  It  was  all  we  were  going  to  give  him, 
wasn't  it  ?  You  will  admit  that  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  said  Glenister.  "  It  was 
his,  and  you  were  keeping  it  for  him, 
weren't  you?" 

"  In  a  wav  I  was,"  I  said. 

"  Oh  lawf"  groaned  Bradley.  "  What 
a  hair-splitter!  " 

"Very  well,  then,"  said  Glenister. 
"  You  had  Eice's  five  pounds  and  you 
gambled  with  it — in  itself  a  jolly  un- 
principled thing  to  do,  as  it  wasn't 
yours — poor  devils  are  doing  time  all 
over  the  place  for  much  less — and  now, 
when  your  flutter  turns  up  trumps,  you 
deny  him — who  might  have  been  your 
victim — the  benefit !  I  call  it  down- 
right mean — squalid,  in  fact." 

"  You  make  it  sound  all  right,"  I 
said  ;  "  but  there  's  a  fallacy  some  where. 
To  begin  with,  as  I  said  before,  it  isn't 
the  butler's  own  money  till  to-morrow. 
He  hadn't  earned  it  till  the  end  of  our 
visit.  If  it  wasn't  his  it  is  ours,  and 
we  might  do  as  we  liked  with  it.  We 
did,  and  the  result  is  we  have  now 
enough  to  divide  up  into  £16  13s.  id. 
each,  which  I  shall  be  pleased  to  give 
you  directly  we  get  back,  while  Eice 
has  his  fiver  intact." 

"  Not  for  me,"  said  Glenister.  "  I 
won  five  pounds  with  my  own  ten  bob, 
and  that 's  all  I  make  out  of  Black- 
adder.  I  can't  take  your  sixteen  pounds 
odd,  because  it  wasn't  made  on  my 
money." 

"Oh  law!"  groaned  Bradley  again. 
'  My  dear  Glenister,  you  're  talking  like 


a  Herbert  Spencer  sort  of  fellow. 
Then  the  Goat  and  I  will  have  to  tako 
£25  each?" 

"  No,"  said  Glenister,  "  you  can't  do 
that ;  because  a  third,  at  any  rate,  of 
the  original  fiver  was  mine,  or,  as  I 
hold,  the  butler's,  and  he  must  have 
what  that  share  made.  You  and  the 
Goat  can  take  the  sixteen  pounds  odd 
each,  but  the  butler  must  have  the 
third  and  the  original  fiver  besides. 
But  I  don't  envy  you  your  explana- 
tion to  him." 

"No,"  I  said  after  a  while,  "either 
the  butler  must  have  all  or  none-.  I 
can  see  that." 

"  Dash  the  whole  stupid  business  !  " 
exclaimed  Bradley.  "  Let  him  have  it 
all.  We  '11  be  generous." 

"  It  belongs  to  him,"  said  Glenister. 
"  There  's  no  generosity  in  the  matter. 
There's  nothing  but  justice  or  in- 
justice." 

"Very  well,"  Bradley  snapped  out. 
"  I  'm  tired  of  it.  Next  time  1  go  to  a 
race  meeting  I  '11  take  care  it 's  not 
with  a  blooming  Socrates." 

"Then  that's  settled,"!  said  as  cheer- 
fully as  I  could.  "  Eice  has  the  lot." 

"The  lot,"said  Glenister.  "  I'll  admit 
it's  enough, but  there's  no  other  course." 

We  rode  the  rest  of  the  way  in  dis- 
contented silence. 

Eegan's  groom  met  us  at  the  stable 
yard  and  took  the  mare's  head.  He 
seemed  to  be  unusually  excited,  and  I 
wondered  if  he  had  learned  that  he  too 
had  backed  a  winner. 

"  I  'm  afraid  you  11  find  the  house  a 
bit  upset,"  he  said  to  Glenister.  "  But 
the  fact  is  there's  been  a  little  trouble 
while  you  were  away.  The  butler's 
bolted.  It  seems  he  's  been  dishonest 
for  a  long  time,  and  to-day  he  thought 
the  game  was  up  and  ran." 

We  looked  at  each  other  and  then  a 
threefold  sigh  rent  the  air. 

Bradley  suddenly  began  to  roll  with 
laughter. 

"  I '11  trouble  you,"  said  Glenister  to 
me,  "for  sixteen  pounds,  thirteen  and 
fourpence,  and  the  third  of  a  five-pound 
note." 

Heroic  deeds  of  self-sacrifice  are 
being  done  every  hour,  unknown  to  the 
great  mass  of  the  people.  But;  an  echo 
occasionally  reaches  one's  ears.  For 
instance,  a  catalogue  tells  of — 

"  French  Model  Christening  Robes,  trimmed 
hand  embroidery  and  real  lace.  Reduced  re- 
gardless of  cost  from  59/6  to  9J  guineas." 


"A  settlement  of  Hughs  on  the  northern 
coast  of  the  Bay  of  Bengal  find  shark  catching 
profitable. " — Commercial  Intelliywicc. 

On  the  other  hand,  in  the  City  there  is 
a  settlement  of  sharks  which  find  mug- 
catching  profitable. 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CIIARIVARI.—  JIT.Y  12,  1911. 


PEOFESSIONAL    ETIQUETTE. 

Sultan  of  Morocco.  "  HALLO !  ANOTHER  DOCTOE !  HADN'T  YOU  BETTER  HOLD  A  CON- 
SULTATION ?  " 

German  Surgeon.  "  WELL,  TO  TELL  THE  TRUTH,  I  HADN'T  THOUGHT  OF  CONSULTING 
THESE  OTHER  GENTLEMEN.  I  RATHER  MEANT  TO  OPERATE  ON  M?  OWN  ACCOUNT. 
STILL,  IF  THERE'S  A  GENERAL  FEELING  IN  FAVOUR  OF  A  CONVERSAZIONE " 


JULY  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


^ 

•:  A 


.- 

1  ." 
I 

I  -v"  " 


Keeper.  "Do  YOU  KNOW  THIS  WATER  is  PRESERVED,  SIR?" 

Angler  (of  little  cxper.cnce,  still  awaiting  a  bite).  "I  THOUGHT  THERE  WAS  SOMETHING  TUB  MATTER  WITH  ill" 


THE    PERFECT    CAVALIER. 

Is  there  a  joy  so  sweet,  a  job  so  pleasant 

As  this,  to  court  the  heavenly  muse  and  sing, 
And  soar  into  the  skies  like  some  old  pheasant, 

And  feel  the  brainpan  slowly  softening  ? 
Is  there  a  uniform  to  lick  the  laurel, 

An  instrument  so  lovely  as  the  lyre, 
A  steed  like  Pegasus,  or  roan  or  sorrel, 

To  suit  the  seat's  desire  ? 

So  have  I  often  asked  and  said,  "  I  think  not," 

And  seized  the  shell  once  more  and  tightly  bound 
The  laurels  on  my  bowler  (with  a  pink  knot), 

Aud  touched  the  well-known  reins  and  scorned  the 

ground ; 
But  lo  I  this  blessed  year  of  Coronation 

The  Truth  (to  whom  I  bow  my  best  regards) 
Constrains  me  to  admit  there  "s  one  vocation 

That  whacks  the  wandering  bard's. 

So  many  a  time  have  I  beheld  this  summer, 

Star  of  a  thousand  stars,  serene  and  slow, 
Fairest  of  things  on  earth,  the  Life  Guards'  drummer 

Banging  his  quaint  concerns  like  billy-oh  ! 
Princes  and  potentates  and  peers  and  column  on 

Column  of  splendid  troops  their  palfreys  sat ; 
He  was  unique ;  I  don't  suppose  KINO  SOLOMON 

Ever  looked  quite  like  that. 


Ambassadors  may  thrill  the  vulgar's  vitals ; 

Eajahs,  who  look  like  eagles  on  the  pounce, 
With  rainbow-coloured  turbans  and  with  titles 

That  nobody  in  England  can  pronounce ; 
Lords  of  the  fleet,  and  bishops  in  their  pious  copes — 

These  may  amuse  the  mob ;  I  've  seen  them  all 
(Some  in  the  flesh,  but  mostly  on  the  bioscopes), 

And  bowed  not  to  their  thrall. 

They  moved  in  solemn  state  with  gilded  trappings, 

They  felt  the  glory  of  the  triumph-route, 
They  rode  amongst  a  mighty  people's  clappings, 

But  some  of  them  looked  bored,  and  all  were  mute ; 
He  only,  with  the  windy  tubss  that  follow, 

Has  satisfied  all  hopes,  all  human  needs, 
Servant  at  once  of  Ares  and  Apollo 

And  Castor,  lord  of  steeds. 

Long  ere  my  infant  lips  their  earliest  verse  made 

(Oh  happy  days  of  yore!),  he  was  my  dream, 
My  idol,  and  the  idol  of  my  nurse-maid, 

And  still  he  strikes  me  as  Creation's  cream  ; 
What  is  the  sacred  harp,  how  poor  a  legacy 

Beside  his  drumsticks'  soul-inspiring  wag ! 
Yes,  I  would  sell  you,  wings  and  all,  0  Pegasel 

To  mount  that  piebald  nag.  EVOK. 

Latest  Modes  for  Men. 

"Newcastle  was  agitated  by  the    appearance   of  a  harem  shirt  oii 
Sunday  evening.  "—Stuff 'urdsli  i re  Sentinel. 


26 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  12,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  POMANDER  WALK." 
FOB  tho  Londoner,  jaded  with  th 
rush  and  glare  of  a  Coronation  Season 
there  is  an  almost  cloistral  benediction 
in  tho  atmosphere  of  Pomander  Walk 
Here   the  noise   of   the   Great  Worl 
(less    noisy    a    hundred     years    ago 
penetrates    only   in    faint    echoes,   a 
when  Madame  Lachesnais  returns  hove 


"Pomander    Walk — where  is  it?      Close    at 

hand, 

Down    Chiswick    way— half-way    to    Fairy 
land." — Extract  from  Prologue. 

On  the  left  is  seen  a  dem-me  fairy. 


Sir  Peter  Antrobus 
Lord  Otj'orU    ... 


Mr.  CYRIL  MAUDE. 
Mr.  NORMAN  KORBE 


matching  a  skein  of  silk,  or  Jerome 
Brooke-Hoskyn,  Esquire,  ex-butler,  dis- 
courses in  heroic  vein  of  his  asso- 
ciation with  "H.E.H.  the  P.  of  W." 
and  Mr.  RICHARD  BBINSLEY  SHERIDAN, 
with  whom  he  has  come  into  contact 
in  his  unsuspected  function  of  City 
Toastmaster.  A  prettier  and  fresher 
scene  than  this  little  secluded  crescent 
of  Georgian  cottages,  bordering  the 
Thames  at  Chiswick,  with  their  doors 
and  windows  and  garden  gates  all  prac- 
ticable, could  scarce  be  imagined. 

But,  if  "  the  play 's  the  thing  "  (and 

ihe  tastes  of  present-day  audiences  lead 

one  to  doubt  this),  there  is  little  enough 

n  Pomander  Walk  to  set  one  thinking. 

The  plot  is  recognisable  a  mile  away, 

and  the  thinness  of  some  of  the  fun  is 

confessed  in  the  excessive  use  of  oaths 

and  nautical  expletives.     I  understand 

.hat  in  the  States,  where  it  was  taken 

n  a  lighter  key,  this  little  idyll  went 

uproariously,    but    then    any  sort    of 

British  antiquity  goes  well  over  there ; 

and,  besides,  they  still  harbour  illusions 

n  that  most  sentimental  of  countries. 

still,   for  I  hear  that  it  went  much 

letter    on    the    second   night   at   the 

Playhouse,    I    shall    believe    that   its 

charming  scene  and  its  pleasant  affecta- 


tion of  old-world  airs  and  graces  will 
bring  it  popularity  even  here  if  it  can 
only    hold    tho  town    till    tho  arriva 
of  our  country  cousins. 

Mr.  CYRIL  MAUDE  was,  of  course 
in  his  native  element  as  a  retiree 
Admiral,  and  worked  at  top  pressuri 
on  the  first  night  to  make  the  fun  g( 
round.  Miss  WINIFRED  EMERY  wai 
perhaps  overmuch  obsessed  by  he 
painful  memories  of  the  past  and  rnigh 
well  have  assumed  a  gayer  not  5  if  onl) 
for  the  sake  of  her  daughter's  prospects 
Miss  MARGERY  MAUDE,  who  playec 
that  daughter  as  to  the  manner  born 
was  very  sweet  and  natural,  thougl 
her  French  accent  was  a  little  desultory 
And  I  think  Mr.  Louis  PARKER  errec 
in  allowing  her  to  lapse  into  the  poetrj 
of  introspection.  Speaking  of  her  firs: 
affair  of  the  heart  she  is  made  to  say 
to  her  mother — 

"I  seemed  suddenly  to  step  out  of  childhood.' 

No  young  girl  that  I  have  ever  met, 

"Standing  with  reluctant  feet 
Where  the  brook  and  river  meet 
Womanhood  and  childhood  licet," 

would  have  ever  thought  of  expressing 
her  feelings  with  such  precocious  self- 
analysis.  Other  characters,  outside  the 
family  .were  well  played  by  Mr.REGiNALD 
OWEN,  who  was  an  excellent  boy-lover, 
with  just  the  right  amount  (whethei 
natural  or  assumed)  of  angular 
gaucherie ;  by  Miss  MAIDIE  Hoi  E, 
who  was  quite  funny  as  a  designing 
widow ;  and  by  Mr.  FREDERICK  VOLPE, 
a  figure  clean  out  of  DICKENS,  with  his 
pompous  assumption  of  social  import- 
ance. It  was  greatly  to  the  merit  o! 
the  author  that  he  refused  the  obvious 
chance  of  exposing  before  the  neigh- 
xrarhood  the  menial  origin  and 
lumble  occupation  of  this  impostor. 
Mr.  NORMAN  FORBES,  fresh  from  his 
jeauty  sleep  as  one  of  the  sentinels  in 
The  Critic,  played  the  never  very 
grateful  part  of  a  male  match-maker 
md  took  himself  rather  too  seriously, 
it  was  not  easy  for  us  to  believe  that 
he  had  ever  actually  loved  and  ridden 
away. 

Little  Miss  DIXON  recited  a  pleasant 
prologue  very  charmingly,  and  then 
retired  into  obscurity  as  Jane,  maid- 
if-all-work. 

For    the    rest,   there    were    several 
nteresting  characters  who  were  both 
peechless   and  invisible.      Sucli   was 
Sempronius,  the  cat,  of  whom  I  only 
aw   the  effigy,  before  and   after  im- 
mersion  in  the   Thames.      Such,  too, 
was  Dr.  Johnson,  the  speaking  parrot, 
who,  as 'the  well-coached  mouthpiece 
}f  her  passion,   contributed  so  much 
oward  bringing  Miss  Pennymint's  lover 
ip  to  the  scratch.     Such,  finally,  was 
ielina    Brooke-Hoskyn,    who,    though 


hampered  by  an  accouchement,  was  still 
I  of   service   (if   we    might   judge   from 
some  one-sided  dialogue)  as  a  querulous 
critic  of  her  husband's  activities. 

I  must  not  conclude  without  a  tribute 
to  the  Union  Jack  that  hung  from  a 
flagstaff  outside  tho  Admiral's  quarters. 
Even  when  the  stage  draught  failed, 
this  loyal  emblem  still  flaunted  in  the 
breeze,  thanks  to  a  wire  attached 
to  its  folds  that  lent  it  a  fictitious  air 
of  animation.  I  wish  I  could  say  that, 
like  Semprcmius  and  the  others,  this 
attachment  was  invisible,  but  I  cannot 
truthfully  do  so. 

"  ABOVE  SUSPICION." 
People  who  remember  the  splendid 
promises  made  by  Mr.  HERBERTTRENCH 
when  he  took  up  management  at  the 
Haymarket  may  well  grow  cynical  over 
his  latest  method  of  encouraging  Eng- 
lish art.  Even  if,  as  I  hesitate  to 
believe,  his  ambitions  have  become 
purely  commercial,  I  still  cannot 
understand  why  he  should  have  selected 
an  adaptation  of  an  ancient  play  of 
SARDOU'S,  based  on  a  plot  long  known 
to  everybody  as  having  occurred  both 
in  history  and  recent  drama.  It  is 


•OUR  BRAINS  THAT  REELED  AS  ONE. 
lobcrte  dc  Boismarlcl  Miss  ALEXANDRA 

CARLISLE. 

Mayran  ...  Mrs.  CHARLES  MAUDE. 
1c  Buismartcl  ...  Mr.  C.  AUBREY  SMITH. 
Martial  Mr.  CHARLES  V.  FRANCE.  ' 

he  hallowed  story  of  someone  who 
las  witnessed  a  crime  but  cannot, 
or  fear  of  compromising  a  woman, 

give  tho  evidence  which  should 
ave  an  innocent  man.  Apart  from  an 
xtremely  clever  piece  of  technique  in 
he  last  Act  there  is  no  novelty  or 

attraction  in  the  play.     Nor  is  there 


JULY  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


27 


anything  French  in  it  except  the  usua^ 
heavy  catalogue  of  perplexing  names 
and  the  usual  travesty  of  justice 
familiar  enough  to  the  student  of 
Gallic  methods  on  or  off  the  stage. 
As  a  rule  in  such  plaj  s  there  is  at 
least  a  French  maid  who  is  a  passahlo 
imitation  of  the  real  tlrng.  But  I 
never  saw  anything  less  French  than 
the  Dcnisc  of  Miss  AMY  LAMHOKN. 

The  clever  mechanism  of  the  Third 
Act,  by  which  the  criminal  was  trapp  i! 
into  self-exposure,  appealed  sharply  to 
the  intelligence  but  left  the  heart  ab- 
solutely cold  ;  for  no  one  cared  parti- 
ci.Iarly  about  anybody's  fate.  Why 
should  one  be  closely  interested  in  the 
acqui'.tal  of  an  innocent  man  on  whom 
one  has  never  set  eyes,  who  happens 
to  be  guiltless  of  the  crime  in  question 
but  is  in  another  connection  quite 
worth  getting  rid  of  ? 

We  should  have  done  poorly  indeed 
without  Mr.  C.  AUBREY  SMITH,  as 
President  of  the  Court  (with  a  private 
house  conveniently  attached  to  it).  His 
appearance  always  brings  an  atmo- 
sphere of  confidence.  Mr.  FRANCE 
made  an  attractive  criminal.  His 
sombre  strength  lay  largely  in  the 
tilings  he  didn't  say.  Mr.  CHARLES 
MAUDE,  though  he  always  took  off  and 
put  on  his  cap  at  the  right  moment 
according  to  military  etiquette,  never 
quite  persuaded  me  that  he  was  a 
soldier ;  nor  was  I  ever  thoroughly 
harrowed  by  the  embarrassments 
of  M  iss  ALEXANDRA  CARLISLE  as  the  wife 
whose  virtue  only  remained  "above 
suspicion "  through  an  accident. 
There  was  not  much  saving  humour 
in  the  play.  Mr.  LYALL  SWEETE, 
as  a  juryman,  had  to  sustain  what 
there  was  of  it;  but  his  labours  were 
strangely  ineffective. 

I  look  forward  with  curiosity  to  the 
next  item  in  Mr.  TRENCH'S  scheme 
for  the  redemption  of  British  Drama. 

0.  S. 


MY  DOUBLE. 

OF  all  the  souls  of  light 

That  love  the  pure  and  good 
I  am,  without 
A  shade  of  doubt, 

The  most  misunderstood. 
My  spirit  weeps  to  write 

The  cause  of  all  my  trouble  : 
In  some  gay  spark 
Whose  ways  are  dark 

I  have  a  dreadful  double. 

In  vain  I  try  to  walk 
In  virtue's  narrow  ways, 

Abjuring  stalls 

At  music-halls, 
And  even  SHAKSPEARE  plays ; 


THE    NEW    PLEA. 

Master  (who  believes  that  horse-racing  is  hurrying  on  the  fall  of  the  Empire).  "CoLXMAN,  I 
PICKED  UP  A  TURF  GUIDE  OUTSIDE  THE  COACU-IIOUSE  YESTERDAY." 

Coachman.  "  YESTEKDAY,  Sint  THE  VERY  DAY  AN  AIRYOPLAME  PASSED  OVEK  THE 
PLACE." 


Yet  foolish  friends  will  talk 

And  hint  they  've  seen  me  dally 
Behind  the  scenes 
With  chorus  queens 
And  ladies  of  the  ballet. 

In  vain  do  I  declare 

That  when  they  saw  me  ply 

My  heathen  cleek 

On  Sunday  week 
Quite  safe  at  church  was  I, 
Politely  handing  there 

In  best  churchwarden  manner 

The  plate  in  which, 

Though  far  from  rich, 
I  'd  dropped  my  modest  tanner. 

Since  all  the  world  's  so  sure 
About  the  things  I  do 


That  even  I 

Can  scarce  deny 
That  what  they  say  is  true, 
My  brain  grows  insecure, 
My  reeling  reason  totters, 

And  I  in  time 

Shall  think  that  I  'in 
Indeed  the  prince  of  rotters. 

And,  as  from  day  to  day, 
The  scandal  grows  more  black 

Until  it  'a  vain 

To  try  to  gain 
My  reputation  back, 
Instead  of  turning  grey 

With  all  this  toil  and  trouble, 

Why  should  I  not 

Amend  my  lot 
And  really  be  my  double  ? 


28 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CITARIVAUI. 


[JULY  12,  1911. 


THE    HOUSE    WARMING. 

I. — WORK  FOB  ALL. 
••  WELL,"  said  Dahlia,  "  what  do  you 
think  of  if.'" 

I  knocked  the  ashes  out  of  my  after- 
breakfast  pipe,  arranged  the  cushions 
of  my  deck  chair,  and  let  my  eyes 
wander  lazily  over  ths  house  and  its 
surroundings.  After  a  year  of  hotels 
and  other  people's  houses,  Dahlia  and 
Archie  had  come  into  their  own. 

"  I  've  no  complaints,"  I  said  happily. 
A  vision  of  white-and-gold  appeared 
in  the  doorway    and   glided  over  the 
lawn  toward  us— Myra  with  a  jug. 

"  None  at  all,"  said  Simpson,  sitting 
up  eagerly.  . 

"  But  Thomas  isn't  quite  satisfied 
with  one  of'  the  bathrooms,  I'm  afraid. 
I  heard  him  saying  something  in  the 
passage  about  it  this  morning  when  I 
was  inaide." 

"I  asked  if  you'd  gone  to  sleep  in 
the  bath,"  explained  Thomas. 

"  I  hadn't.  It  is  practically  impossi- 
ble, Thomas,  to  go  to  sleep  in  a  cold 
bath." 

"Except,  perhaps,  for  a  Civil  Ser- 
vant," said  Blair. 

"  Exactly.  Of  the  practice  in  the 
Admiralty  Thomas  can  tell  us  later  on. 
For  myself  I  was  at  the  window  looking 
at  the  beautiful  view." 

"  Why  can't  you  look  at  it  from  your 

own  window  instead  of  keeping  people 

out  of  the  bathroom  ?  "  grunted  Thomas. 

"  Because  the  view  from  my  room 

is  an  entirely  different  one." 

"There  is  no  stint  in  this  house," 
Dahlia  pointed  out. 

"  No,"  said  Simpson,  jumping  up 
excitedly. 

Myra  put  the  jug  of  cider  down  in 
front  of  us. 

"  There  !  "  she  said.  "  Please  count 
it,  and  see  that  I  haven't  drunk  any  on 
the  way." 

"  This  is  awfully  nice  of  you,  Myra. 
And  a  complete  surprise  to  all  of  us 
except  Simpson.  Will  you  be  out  here 
again  to-morrow  about  this  time?  " 

There  was  a  long  silence,  broken  only 
by  the  extremely  jolly  sound  of  liquid 
falling  from  a  height. 

Just  as  it  was  coming  to  an  end 
Archie  appeared  suddenly  among  us 
and  dropped  on  the  grass  by  the  side 
of  Dahlia.  Simpson  looked  guiltily  at 
the  empty  jug,  and  then  leant  down 
to  his  host. 

"  To-morrow  ! "  he  said  in  a   stage 
whisper.     "  About  ttie  same  time." 
"  I  doubt  it,"  said  Archie.   : 
"  I  know  it  for  a  fact,"  protested 
Simpson. 

"  1  'm  afraid  Myra  and  Samuel  made 
an  assignation  for  this  morning,"  said 
Dahlia. 


There  's  nothing  in  it,  really,"  said 
Myra.  "  He  's  only  trifling  with  me. 
He  doesn't  mean  anything." 

Simpson  buried  his  confused  head  in 
his  glass,  and  proceeded  to  change  the 
subject.  .  ,, 

"  We  all  Iik3  your  hous3,   Archie, 
he  said. 

"  We  do,"  I  agreed,  "  and  we  think 
it 's  very  nice  of  you  to  ask  us  down  to  , 
open  it." 

"It  is  rather,"  said  Archie. 
"  We  are  determined,  therefore,  to  do 
all  we  can  to  give  the  house  a  homey 
appearance.  I  did  what  I  could  for 
the  bathroom  this  morning.  I  flatter 
myself  that  the  taint  of  newn3ss  has 
now  been  dispelled." 

"  I  was  sure  it  was  you,"  said  Myra. 
"How  dp  you  get  the  water  right  up 
the  walls?" 

"Easily.  Further,  Archie,  if  you 
want  any  suggestions  as  to  how  to 
improve  the  place  our  ideas  are  at  your 
disposal." 

"  For  instance,"  said  Thomas,"  where 
do  we  play  cricket  ?  " 

"By  the  way,  you  fellows,"  an- 
nounced Simpson,  "  I  've  given  up 
playing  cricket." 

We  all  looked  at  him  in  consternation. 
"  Do  you  mean  you  've  given  up  bowl- 
ing ?  "  said  Dahlia  with  wide-open  eyes. 
"  Aren't  you  ever  going  to  walk  to  the 
wickets  again  ?  "  asked  Blair. 

"  Aren't  you  ever  going  to  walk  back 
to  the  pavilion  again  ?  "  asked  Archie. 
"  What  will  Montgomeryshire  say  ? ' 
wondered  Myra  in  tones  of  awe. 

"  May  I  have  your  belt  and  your 
sand-shoes  ?  "  I  begged. 

"  It 's  the  cider,"  said  Thomas, 
knew  he  was  overdoing  it." 

Simpson  fixed  his  glasses  firmly 
on  his  nose  and  looked  round  at  ui 
benignly. 

"I've  given  it  up  for  golf,"  hi 
observed. 

"  Traitor,"  said  everyone. 
"  And  the    Triangular  Tournamen 
next  year,"  added  Myra. 

"  You  could  make  a  jolly  little  coursi 
round  here,"  went  on  the  infatuatec 
victim.    "  If  you  like,  Archie,  I'll — 
Archie  stood  up  and  made  a  speech. 
"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,"    he  said 
"  at  11.30  to-morrow  precisely  I  invit 
you  to  the  paddock  beyond  the  kitchen 
garden." 

"  Myra  and  I  have  an  appointment, 
put  in  Simpson  hastily. 

"  A  net  will  be  erected,"  Archi 
went  on,  ignoring  him,  "and  Mr 
Simpson  will  take  his  stand  therein 
while  we  all  bowl  at  him — or,  if  an 
prefer  it,  at  the  wicket — for  fiv 
minutes.  He  will  then  bowl  at  us  fo 
hour,  after  which  he  will  hav 


If  he  is  still  alive  and  still  talks  about 
golf,  why  then  I  won't  say  but  what 
ho  mightn't  ho  allowed  to  plan  out  a 
little  courses — or,  at  any  rate,  to  do  a 
little  preliminary  weeding." 

"  Good  man,"  said  Simp-on. 

"  And  if  anybody  else  thinks  he  has 
given  up  cricket  for  ludo  cr  croquet  or 
oranges  and  lemons,  then  ho  can  devote 
himself  to  planning  out  a  little  course 
for  that  too — or  anyhow  to  removing  a 
few  plantains  in  preparation  for  it.  In 
fact,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  all  I  want  is 
for  you  to  make  yourselves  as  happy 
nd  as  useful  as  you  can." 

"It's  what  you're  here  for,"  said 
Dahlia.  A.  A.  M. 


an 


another  hour's  smart  fielding  practic 


THE   AET   OF   SOCIAL 
ADVERTISEMENT. 

|  Suggested  l>y  a  recent  announcement  in  the 
'Court  and  iSociety  "  column  of  The  Times.] 

SIB  PAUL  BUBNSMITH  and  Sir  Peter 
^d   Lady   Wragge   gave   an   evening 
jarty   on    Friday    at    141,    Arlington 
Street,  which  was  wittily  described  on 
the  cards  of  invitation  as  a  "  Wragge- 
ime."     The  description  was'  apt,  for 
verything  connected  with  the  enter- 
iainment  was  replete  with  Bohemian 
ocosity.     The   studio   had  been  con- 
verted   for    the    nonce    into    a    cafe 
chantant,  where  a  troup    of  vivacious 
Greek    virtuosi    from     Greek    Street, 
Soho,    discoursed    appropriate   music, 
while      the      area     was      charmingly 
illuminated    with    moderator     lamps. 
During  the  evening  there  was  a  mock 
Russian  ballet  in  which  an  exquisitely 
ridiculous  burlesque  of  the  Muscovite 
artists  was  given,  Sir  Paul  Burnsmith 
impersonating  the  Premier  Buff  oon  with 
extraordinary  verve  and  agility.     The 
entertainment  concluded  with  a  dance, 
in  which  all  the  guests  took  part,  great 
hilarity  being   evoked   by  an  "  Angel 
Cake-walk,"  in  which  the  angels, "  after 
Sir  JOSHUA  REYNOLDS,"  were  imperson- 
ated by  Lady  Wragge's  three  charming 
daughters,  Trixie,  Topsy,  and  Turyey. 
Among  those  present  were  the  Cabinet 
and    the    Opposition    Front    Bench ; 
Lady    Betty    Corker;     Viscount    and 
Viscountess  Cashley  St.  Vitus  ;  Baron 
Medulla;    Lady  Florence    Owbridge; 
Sir  Hector   and  Lady  Con.dy;    Lady 
Cara  Cass ;  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Eno  Salter ; 
Lady  Magnesia  Dinneford  ; :  the  Mar- 
chioness of  Mull ;  Lord  Harelip ;   Sir 
Uther   and   Lady  Pupe ;    Miss  Marie 
Tartini;  and  Archdeacon -Tinkler. 


"  MOTTO., -roll  TO-DAY:    It  is  not  so  much 
the  being   cfhcjit    from    faults,   as   the   having 
exempt  from  faults,  as  the  having  tagc  to  us." 
AW  Ltiiulnn  J>ni/i/  Dispatch. 

This  thought  has  cheered  us  in  many 
a  lonely  hour. 


JlI.Y     1'2,    J911.] 


PUNCH,    Oil   TIIK    LONDON   CHAIMVAI!!. 


2'J 


v 


_ 

. 

i: 


H 

^ 


<     H 
H    C 


r  - 

~  ~ 

-  H 

H 


•»  c 

X  f 

c  .. 

5  I 


Officer  (cU  distance  jurying  practke).  "WELL,  HAVE  YOU  LEAKNT  ANYTHING  NEW  TO-DAY! 

Private.    "YES,  SIR;   IF  YOU  TAKES  THE  BOLT  OUT  OF  YOUR  KIFLI  AND  LOOKS  THROUGH  THE  BARREL  AND  A  MAN  JUST  i 

INSIDE  HE  'S  THREE  HUNDRED  YARDS  AWAY." 

Officer.  "AND  WHAT  is  THERE  REMARKABLE  ABOUT  THAT?" 

Private  (after  consideration).  "NoTHiN1,  'CEPT  THAT  I  DIDN'T  KNOW  IT  BEFORE." 


THE    TEST. 
To  saunter  in  with  new  and  shining  blade, 

Eeady  to  flick  the  boundaries  by  the  dozen, 
Musing  of  all  the  .hundreds  you  have  made, 

And  oh !  that  yonder  sits  your  pretty  cousin ; 

To  take  "  two-leg  "  with  supercilious  mien, 
As  though  'twere  almost  infra  dig.  to  do  it ; 

To  make  hot  fieldsmen  stagger  with  the  screen, 
Until  the  bowler's  arm  comes  nicely  through  it ; 

To  turn  a  lordly  gaze  upon  them  all ; 

To  mark  mid-off  discreetly  going  deeper  ; 
To  ease  your  wrists  at  an  imagined  ball ; 

To  joke  untrembling  with  the  wicket-keeper ; 

To  pat  and  prod  the  already  perfect  pitch 
(Left  newly  gleaming  from  the  recent  roller) ; 

To  give  your  trousers  their  supremest  hitch  .  .  . 
And  then,  at  last,  be  ready  for  the  bowler ; 

To  do  all  this — and,  in  the  end,  to  be 

Outed  at  once  for  absolutely  zero  ! 
Here  is  the  test  of  true  philosophy, 

This  is  the  thing  that  tries  the  petted  hero. 


"It  may  not  be  so  generally  known  that  a  belief  prevails  among 
seafaring  men  that  the  vessel  whose  name  ends  in  A  rests,  also,  under 
an  evil  epttell." — Manchester  Courier. 

It  can't  rest  under  a  worse  one  than  that. 


EEDPOLL. 

You  least  of  linnets  with  your  crimson  cresfc 
And  rosy  flush  across  a  little  breast 
That  holds — let  one  admirer  now  aver — 
The  cheerful  heart  of  a  philosopher, 

Never  a  day  beneath  our  changing  sky 
But  sees  your  small  form  lightly  flitting  by, 
Nor  English  common  gay  with  gorse  or  braom 
But  hears  you  calling  from  some  golden  bloom  ; 

And  never,  alas !   a  bird-shop  in  the  land 
But  sets  you,  for  a  penny,  in  one's  hand, 
Although  of  window-starers,  more 's  our  shame, 
Not  one  in  fifty  knows  your  jolly  name. 

And  yet,  fresh-torn  from  liberty  and  mate, 
We  find  you  cheerly  settling  to  your  fate ; 
Opening  a  seed-box  in  your  prison  cell 
And  drawing  water  from  a  mimic  well. 

But  I,  for  one,  still  pay  the  ransom  "  brown  " 
To  loose  you,  eager,  to  your  breezy  down ; 
And  hail  you,  free  or  pent  'mid  city  stones, 
The  bonniest  little  birdlet  England  owns. 


"Bardsley  was  clean  bowled  by  a  ball  from  Mr.  Falcon  from   the 
pavilion  which  was  well  pitched  up." — The  Times. 

It  would  need  to  be. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAEIVAEL— JULY  12,  1911. 


THE    PBINCE    OF   WALES. 


JULY  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


33 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  1-T.OM  THE  UlAI'.Y  OF  ToilV,   M.  P.) 

House  of  Lonh,  Monday  July  3. — 
In  an  ass3mbly  somewhat  enervated 
by  irresolution,  where  opposition  is 
hampered  by  tendency  to  lot  1  dare 
not  wait  upon  I  would,  there  is 
something  refreshingly  breezy  about 
W.LLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE.  He  is  the 
Minstrel  Boy  of  the  House  of  Lords. 
To-night,  as  visual,  he  to  the  war  is 
gone ;  in  the  ranks  of  death  you  '11 
find  him.  The  uncsstral  sword  fleshed 
on  Bosworth  Field  he  has  girded  on, 
and  liis  wild  harp  (in  the  form  of 
absolutely  hopeless  amendment  of  Veio 
Bill)  he  has  slung  behind  him.  Let 
others  frame  Amendments,  move  them 
with  reckless  audacity  almost  amount- 
ing to  bluster  and  run  away  when 
time  comes  for  division.  DE  BROKE 
has  no  sympathy  with  such  tactics. 

Moved  amendment  stipulating  that 
no  Bill  twice  rejected  by  the  Peers 
shall  receive  Eoyal  assent  until  it  has 
been  submitted  to  electors  either  at  a 
general  election  or  by  referendum. 

"  This,  my  Lords,"  he  proudly  said, 
"  is  a  root  amendment," 


"A   ROOT  AMENDMENT!" 
LAN.SDOWXE    thoroughly    shocked    at    the 
irresponsible   truculeucy  of   WII.LOUGHBY   DE 
BROKE. 

Artlessly  put  forward  as  a  recom- 
mendation,  this  phrase  proved  to  be  a 
fatal  offence. 

"  A  root  amendment !  "  exclaimed 
LANSDOWNE  with  hands  uplifted  in 
horror.  "  We  have  passed  the  Second 
Reading  of  the  Bill  and  cannot  support 
changes  that  may  be  fairly  described 
as  going  to  its  root." 


DE  BROKE,  most  loyal  of  privates 
in  the  Unionist  army,  incapable  of 
understanding  nuance*  of  that  kind. 
Not  only  insisted  on  taking  divis'on 
but  vowed  that  if  Ainotid-ncn;.  were 
rejected  lie  would  move  to  throw  out 
Billon  Third  H -tiding. 

"A  moil"  he  crijd,  waving  his 
sword  toward  back  benches  of  Opposi- 
tion camp. 

Time  was  (before  Budget  Bill  of  1909 
wa?  thrown  out)  when  tho  appeal 
would  have  been  answered  by  a  coupl" 
of  hundred  lusty  backwoods-men. 
A  givat  deal  has  happened  sinco  then. 
To-night  only  seventeen  responded  to 
the  battle-cry,  the  majority  of  ninet 
bo'mg  swelled  by  BROKE'B  own  camp 
friends  and  companions  dear. 

Biisinsss  doii?. — Commons  spent 
sitting  in  discussing  Second  Reading 
Naval  Prize  Bill,  which  proposes  to 
enact  principle  of  Declaration  ol 
London.  Weighty  debate  followed  on 
Amendment  by  BUTCHER,  deferring 
passing  of  Bill  until  question  bs  reported 
on  by  Commission  of  experts.  Rumour 
of  dissension  in  Ministerial  ranks  lent 
interest  to  division.  In  full  House  of 
532  Members  Amendment  rejected  by 
majority  of  70.  Bill  forthwith  read 
second  time  without  division. 

Announcement  of  figures  notable  for 
introduction  of  new  form  of  objurgation 
presumably  parliamentary  since  the 
SPEAKER  offered  no  objection.  Angry 
shouts  of  "Traitors!  Traitors!"  rose 
from  Opposition  benches.  PREMIER 
regarded  ominous  demonstration  with 
customary  phlegm.  GREY,  who  is 
younger  and  constitutionally  mora 
emotional,  was  observed  to  assure 
himself  by  furtive  examination  that 
his  head  was  still  on  his  shoulders, 
and  Tower  Hill,  though  approachable 
to-day  by  motor-bus,  still  afar  off. 

Wednesday. — Looked  in  just  now  to 
see  how  Constitution  fared.  No  one 
regarding  scene  would  imagine  that  it 
was  in  dire  peril.  COURTNEY  on  his 
legs  addressing  moderately  full  but 
slightly  bored  audience.  Not  in  his 
highest  mood  of  inspiration.  Touch 
of  melancholy  in  his  voice  foreboding 
unexpected  development  of  principle 
of  proportional  representation  by 
threatened  influx  of  500  new  Peers. 
With  delicate  instinct  discarded  for  the 
occasion  the  yellow  waistcoat  that  in 
other  days  flashed  contradiction  on  the 
House  of  Commons.  In  its  place 
displays  mediocre  white  garment  any 
ordinary  man  might  wear. 

House  being  in  Committee  Woolsack 
tenantless.  LORD  CHANCELLOR,  un- 
gowned  and  bare  of  head,  discovered 
on  Ministerial  bench.  Grateful  for 
absence  of  wig  with  which  he  habitually 
wrestles  as  if  it  were  a  local  Liberal 


claiming  seat  on  Magisterial  Bench. 
Mind  ruffled  by  news  just  to  hand  con- 
firming report  that,  as  soon  as  Veto 
Bill  is  out  of  hand,  possibly  even  next 
week,  thosa  pesky  Radicals  in  t'other 
House  will  bo  on  again  with  incon- 
venient questions  about  Borough  and 
County  Magistracy.  Was  himself  :i 
Radical  once,  and  knows  what  that  sort 
of  fellow  is  capable  of. 

Near   LORD  CHANCELLOR  si:-,  Jon 
MOULEY,  exhausted   with   defiance  »•• 


"The  yellow  waistcoat  that  in  oilier  days 
flashed  contradiction  on  the  House  of 
Commons,"  but  was  now  "with  delicate  instinct 
discarded  for  the  occasion." 

(Lord  COURTNEY  OK  PEN  WITII.) 

overwhelming  numerical  force  of 
Opposition.  On  other  side  of  table  is 
LANSDOWNE,  alert,  with  wistful  hope 
that  COURTNEY'S  white  waistcoat  may 
imply  a  flag  of  truce,  breaking  the 
steadiness  of  the  small  but  resolute 
band  of  Ministerialists.  Everyone 
grieved  to  know  that  LEADER  OF 
OPPOSITION  not  yet  fully  recovered 
from  attack  of  illness  that  some  weeks 
ago  compelled  withdrawal  from  the 
lists.  Nevertheless,  duty  calling,  he 
is  back  again  at  a  post  just  now 
environed  by  circumstances  of  ex- 
ceptional difficulty. 

Most  notable  figure  on  historic  stage 
is  that  of  SECRETARY  OF  STATE  ron 
WAR.  Never  was  sesn  in  equally  brief 
space  of  time  such  comj:lite  me'a- 
morphosis.  Is  this  the  fac3  that 
launched  a  hundred  thousand  Terri- 
torials and  stormed  the  topmost 
heights  of  Aldershot  ?  Is  th's  the 
NAPOLEON  B.  HALDANE  whose  martial 
bearing  suffused  Treasury  Bencli  in 
Commons  with  such  warlike  atmos- 
phere that  old  soldiers  as  they  passed 
him  on  the  way,  inward  or  outward, 
instinctively  squared  their  shoulders 


and  murmured,  "Left,  right  —  left, 
right  "  Since  he  quitted  the  Commons 
seems  to  have  lost  a  stone  in  weight. 
Limp  lies  the  Napoleonic  curl  on  las 
massive  brow;  faded  is  the  light  of 


comes  of 


battle    in    his   eyes;     inert  the  once 
military  figure. 

All   of  which,  SARK  says, 
being  a  Viscount. 

Business  done.  —  LANSDOWNE  s 
amendment  riddling  Veto  Bill  earned 
by  253  votes  against  46. 

House  of  Commons,  Thursday.— At 
Question-time  series  of  conundrums 
put  to  CHANCELLOR  OF  EXCHEQUER 
with  respect  to  Insurance  Bill.  Scone 
watched  from  distinguished  Grangers' 
Gallery  by  swarthy  visitor  from  the 
East,  whose  spotless  white  burnouse 
was  through  the  sultry  afternoon 


refreshing  to   the   sight,    a   thing   of 
envy  to  the  heart. 

With  assistance  of  copy  of  Orders  of 
the  Day  his  Highness  closely  followed 
procsss  of  cross-examination.  Par- 
ticularly struck  by  question  addressed 
by  LocKER-LAiirsoN,  who  wanted  to 
know  "  whether  any  calculations  have 
been  made  to  show  that  the  reserve 
values  of  spinsters  on  marriage  will 
after  accumulation  during  marriage 
suffice  for  the  re-insurance  at  original 
rates  of  widows  who  subsequently 
become  employed  persons  ?  " 

"  Ha,"  murmured  the  visitor,  the 
light  of  pleased  recognition  beaming! 
in  his  lustrous  brown  eyes.  "  Have  often  ! 
heard  of  custom  among  this  strange 
people  of  selling  their  wives  at  Smif 
Field,  whither  they  conduct  them  with 
a  rope  round  their  neck.  Been  denied ; 
but  here  is  the  principle  proposed  to 
be  embodied  in  Act  of  Parliament. 
Spinsters  evidently  put  up  for  sale  in 
marriage  market  with  reserve  values 
privily  fixed,  as  is  custom  in  ordinary 
auction-room.  Accumulation  during 
marriage  probably  refers  to  family 
prospects.  Not  quite  certain  whether 
the  children  are  also  to  be  sold,  the 
proceeds  added  to  reserve  value  of 
their  mothers  whilst  yet  spinsters. 
But  it  is  clear  that,  by  far-seeing 
wisdom  of  Parliament,  widows  are  to 
be  provided  for  by  process  of  re-in- 
surance, which,  prejudice  apart,  is  better 
than  suttee.  A  little  complicated  per- 
haps for  a  foreigner.  But  illuminative 
as  illustrating  the  minute,  far-reaching 
care  of  British  Pa.iiament  for  daily 
needs  in  humblest  domestic  circles." 

Business   done. — In   Committee    on 
Insurance  Bill. 

Extract  from  a  parent's  letter  : 
"  My  child  as  got  a  weak  pi  ice  on  her  brains 
if  you  look  that's  the  reason  I  have  to  keep  her 
away  from  school  to  rest  it." 
If  only  we  could  look  sometimes. 


PROMISING    BEGINNINGS. 

WE  understand  that  a  suggestion 
has  been  recently  made  that  a  Central 
Bureau  bo  established  with  a  view  to 
providing  likely  titles  to  distracted 
novelists.  Not  to  be  outdone  in  a 
ause— the  encouragement  of  literatu 
—which  we  have  always  made  our  own 
we  b-e  to  announcj  our  intention  of 

ing  one  better.  It  is  not,  we  believe, 
so  much  the  lack  of  titles  that  has  de- 
pi  ived  the  public  of  that  great  wealth 
of  unwritten  novels  which  might  even 
now  have  been  upon  our  bookstalls,  as 
the  difficulty  which  the  writer  experi- 
ences of  getting  under  way— the  icy 
and  forbidding  aspect  of  the  blank 
white  sheet  that  stonily  repels  the  pen. 

We  have  pleasure  therefore  in  giving 
below  a  first  instalment,  by  Our  Own 


Expert,  of  PROMISING  BEGINNINGS. 


Viscount  Ho  RLE  Y  reflects  on  the  question 
whether  a  life-long  adherence  to  the  principl 
of  "Government  of  the  People,  for  the  People 
by  the  People"  is  compatible  with  a  blank 
refusal  even  to  consider  the  proposal  to  consult 
them  at  every  important  juncture. 


FOR  AN  HISTORICAL  NOVEL. 
I  am  a  plain,  blunt  man  ;  and  John 
my  name.     I  have  no  trick  of  words 
For  I  am  ever  more  at  home,  as  you 
shall  see — else  is  my  task  ill  done — 
with  halberd  and  with  musketoon  and 
score  of  stout  fellows  at  my  back  than 
cramped  and  cabined  at  the  toil  of  the 
scrivener.    But  as  it  hath  so  happened 
that  false  rumour  is  abroad  and  the 
memory  of  my   dear  lord  is  like  to 
suffer  for  it,  and  none  lemains  but  I 


to  tell  the  truth  of  this  my  tale,  I  needs 
must  make  the  best  on 't.  For  I  have 
played  my  part,  albeit  but  an  humble 
one,  in  great  affairs ;  and  yet  plain 
John  am  I,  and  blunt  at  that. 

It    fell  out,   then,   on   a  fair  June 
morning  that  my  lord  rode  forth 

FOB    A    MiD-VlCTORIAN    EoMANCB. 

That  night  in  the  cellars  of  the  gentry 
through  bin  and  bottle  froze  the  ruddy 


wine ;  and  on  the  humble  doorstep  of 
he  poor  the  morning's  milk  was  solid 
n  the  can.  For  such  a  frost  struck  at 
he  heart  of  this  old  England  as  even 
Id  Bill  Widdicombe,  who  has  lived 
jelow  the  Dell  these  fifty  years,  could 
lot  call  to  mind  the  match  of. 
And  the  first  I  heard  of  it 

FOR  A  FEUILLETON. 

Lady  Martha  Stanley  curled  herself 
up  on  the  sofa,  impatiently  flicking  the 
ish   off   her  cigarette  with  the  point 
if  her  scarlet  slipper. 

"  There  is  not  a  word  of  truth  in  it," 
he  said  coldly.     "  I  didn't." 

The  Vicomte  Cordon  do  Val  smiled 
ndulgently. 

'Oh,  yes,  you  did,"  he  observed. 
'I  tell  you  I  didn't." 
'  Yes,  you  did." 
'  I  never  did." 
1  You  did." 
'  Didn't." 
'  Did." 

There  was  a  long  pause.     The  room 
resounded  to  the  snap  of  his  steel-grey 
iyes  as  he  gazed  intently  at  her. 
"And  what  if  I  did?  "  she  said  at  last. 
He  had  conquered. 

?OB  A  STORY,  TO  BE  ENTITLED  "  FROM 

KAILYARD  TO  CABINET." 
The  whaups  (see  Glossary)  were  call- 
ng  far  and  wide  across  the  purple  moor 
as  Davie  reached  the  brig  (bridge)  at  the 
:oot  of  the  Lang  Brae  (long  hill).  There 
he  paused  and  cast  a  last,  sad,  hungry 
look  at  the  little  clachan  (see  Glossary) 
far  above,  where — well  he  knew — a 
frail  old  woman  in  a  doorway  was 
watching,  through  her  tears,  the  fast- 
retreating  form  of  "  her  ain  laddie." 
The  whaups  continued  calling. 

As  he  shook  the  drops  from  his 
plaidie  (shawl),  Davie  then  and  there, 
in  his  own  dour,  stubborn  way,  regis- 
tered a  solemn  vow  that  he  would  never 
cross  that  brig  rgiin,  upon  his  home- 
ward journey,  till  he  could  do  so  as  a 
Cabinet  Minister,  in  a  private  motor- 
car. Far  other  were  the  thoughts  of 
his  old  mither  (mother),  who  was  trying 
to  calculate,  with  her  native  thrift,  the 
postage  on  his  weekly  washing.  It  is 
the  way  of  the  world.  And  still  the 
whaups  were  calling. 

The  purpose  of  this  tale  is  to  show 
how  Davie  kept  his  vow  ;  but  through 


all  the  stirring  scsnes  of  his  career  he 
will  not  be  allowed — if  we  can  help  it — 
to  lose  sight  of  the  homely  background 
of  the  little  clachan,  the  mither  at  the 
wash-tub — and  the  calling  of  the 
whaups. 

GLOSSARY. 

Whaup:  A  moor-bird,  frequenting  tl.e  grave  a 
of  martyrs. 

Clachan:  A  sort  of  small  village  whore  it  is 
ra.uing  and  they  burn  peat. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


Jlogan.  "I'LL  NOT  GO  OUT. 


« 

'TWAS  A  THRIAL   BALL."  l/mpte.    "  BUT  IT  WASN'T  TIM  FIBST  BALL  Hit   BOWLED  YE." 

Hogj.il.  "BEGOB,  'TWAS  THE  FIRST  OF  THAT  KIND." 


THE  TEIALS  OF  A  WOMAN 
Off  GENIUS. 

Tuesday. — Last  night  I  finished  my 

novel,  Beauty's  Ensign.     I  remember 

reading  somewhere  that  GEORGE  SAND 

if  she  finished  a  novel  at  2  A.M.,  wouk 

begin  another  before  she  went  to  bed 

I  did  not  begin  another  novel,  but  ] 

wrote  a  sonnet  to  Selene.      The  first 

line  runs,  "  Eternal  arbitress  of  Death 

and    Life."       I    read   it   to   Peter    at 

breakfast.      He  said,  "  Very  fine  and 

large,"  and  in  the  same   breath  went 

on  to  ask  whether  ho   mightn't  have 

some  marmalade  which  didn't  taste  of 

cocaine.     Then  he  went  off  to  the  train 

humming  a  deplorable  tune— I  think 

from  The  Caramel  Girl — and  observing 

that  men  must  work  and  housemaids 

must  sweep."     This  form  of  humour  (?) 

is   to   me   most   repulsive — almost   as 

repulsive  as  the  need  of  interviewing 

the    cook.      From   10   to   11    I    gave 

Lilith  her  lesson  in  English.     I  find 

that   Peter   habitually  alludes   to   her 

as  "  my  unfortunate  daughter."     When 

I  asked  him  why,  he  said,  "  Because 

in  deference  to  your  wishes  I  allowed 

her  to  be  christened  Lilith  Sieglinde. 

If  she  marries  she  will  have  to  change 

her  surname,  Brandon,  which  is  a  jolly 

good  name,  and  she  will  have  to  stick 

to  her  Christian   names,    which    are 

Pagan  and  absurd."     Could  anything 

be  more  horribly  borne  than  such  a  view ! 

Between  11  and  12.45  I  wrote  three 

sonnets   on   the   Young   Turks.      The 

first  was  passable,  the  second  moderate, 


but  the  third  was  wonderful.  I  am 
sending  them  to  THOMAS  HARDY  for  his 
candid  opinion. 

Lunched  off  curried  walnuts  and 
violet  omelette.  In  the  afternoon 
motored  for  two  hours.  Swift  motion 
always  excites  my  poetic  impulse,  anc 
I  improvised  the  greater  part  of  a 
short  ode  to  Mr.  LANCHESTER,  to  the  tune 
and  metre  of  "Farewell,  Manchester.' 

Peter  came  home  to  dinner  in  a  good 
temper  because  he  had  "  made  a  scoop,' 
whatever  that  awful  expression  may 
mean.  I  read  him  my  sonnets,  and  he 
said,  "  What 's  wrong  with  the  Young 
Turks  is  that  they  want  to  spend  too 
much  money  on  Turkish  Delight." 
Discouraged  but  persevering,  I  then 
read  him  my  ode.  His  comment, 
"  There  'a  money  in  that,"  is  the 
bighest  compliment  he  is  capable  of 
paying.  Sang  Lilith  to  sleep  with  a 
ullaby  in  the  whole-tone  scale.  The 
dear  child  seemed  feverish.  Dictated 

my  secretary,   Miss   Pedder,   from 
10  till  12. 

Wednesday. — Up  with  the  lark  and 
dictated  to  my  Secretary  from  6  to  8. 
Some  lovely  thoughts  bubbled  up  in 
my  brain.  But  I  am  strangely  per- 
Dlexed  whether  the  following  stanza  is 
really  my  own,  or  whether  1  have  read 
t  somewhere : — 

"Xature  asks  not  whence  or  ho\v, 

Nature  cares  not  \vliy  ; 
'Tis  enough  that  Thou  art  Thou 
And  that  I  am  I." 

Alas  !  Peter  struck  a  jarring  note  at 
>reakfast,  when  he  complained  of  the 


bacon.  I  observed  that  the  remedy 
was  very  simple,  and,  breaking  into 
verse,  continued : — 

"He  who  begins  the  day  on  flesh  of  swine 
Is  no  true  votary  of  the  Muses  Nine." 

On  which  Peter  retorted  with  this 
dreadful  couplet : — 

"  She  who  abstains  from  the  nutritious  pig 
Is  certain  to  become  a  first-class  prig. 

I  gave  Peter  a  glance  before  which 
he  visibly  wilted  and  left  the  room. 
Can  there  be  a  greater  tragedy  than 
when  a  woman  of  genius  links  her  life 
to  that  of  an  ordinary  man  ?  This  has 
been  a  sad  day.  Peter,  vulgar ;  Lilith, 
wilful  and  almost  deserving  chastise- 
ment for  asserting  that  "putrid"  was 
a  better  word  than  "unlovely";  Miss 
Pedder  more  than  usually  stupid. 
Thus  she  spelled  amaranth  with  two 
"  m's."  But  what  can  you  expect 
of  a  girl  cruelly  burdened  with  the 
name  of  Amelia  Pedder  ?  I  have 
decided  to  call  her  Miss  Peveril  during 
ihe  rest  of  her  engagement,  and  the 
determination  has  already  raised  my 
spirits. 

(To  be  continued.) 

"London,   June  7. — The  Cambridge  trijws 

ixaminatious  having  concluded  the  remaining 
days  of  the  term  are  devot«d  to  gaieties.  The 

w>at  races  commenced  this  evening,  but  tln> 
rowing  generally  hardly  equals  the  previous 
year's.  Pemkroke  College  for  the  first  time  is 

'xpected  to  gain  premier  position  in  amateur 

heatricals. — Patuima  Star. 
We  had  had  an  idea  that  Pemkroke 
were  going  head  of  the  footlights  th's 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  12,  1911. 


A   HOME   FROM    HOME." 

THE  Booking  Clerk  was  losing  his 
temper — all  the  more  quickly  because 
Algernon,  on  the  safe  side  of  the  wire 
grating,  remained  in  an  exasporating 
state  of  calm. 

"  I  think  I  make  myself  clear,"  said 
Algernon.  "  You  are  advertising  these 
towns,  not  I.  I  want  two  tickets  for 
that  place  where  a  large  red  sun  sets 
immediately  behind  two  tall  black  pine 
trees.  You  must  know  where  I  mean. 
Such  a  symmetrical  landscape  1  " 
The  Booking  Clerk  was  silent. 
"  Come  now,"  said  Algernon.  "  I 
won't  be  hard  on  you.  If  you  can't 
manage  that,  I  don't  mind  going  to 
the  place  with  the  bright  yellow  sea 
and  blue  fishing  smacks." 

The  Booking  Clerk  handed  him  two 
tickets  in  desperation. 
"Southsands-on-Ssa," read  Algernon. 
I  didn't  know  the  spot  myself. 
Algernon  remembered  he  had  been 
there,  though  never  before  by  the 
Overland  Eoute.  On  arrival  I  placed 
myself  entirely  in  his  hands.  He 
showed  me  round  the  town  with  an 
almost  proprietary  air.  In  a  place 
like  this,  he  explained,  it  was  possible, 
while  working  on  a  most  economical 
plan,  to  have  a  holiday  full  of  exciting 
and  novel  experiences.  For  instance, 
he  said,  here  we  should  buy  our  dinner 
ourselves  direct  from  the  manufacturer 
to  avoid  the  middleman's  profit. 

I  called  his  attention  to  a  "  Family  " 
Butcher's. 

"  Eupert,"  he  said  sorrowfully,  "  you 
mean  well,  but  you  are  unreflective. 
This  man  is  candid  at  the  expense  of 
his  commercial  instincts.      He  avows 
that  he  is  a  family  man.    Can  we,  in 
whom  he  has  no  domestic  interest,  expsc 
to  be  treated  as  liberally  by  a  man  who 
admittedly  has  to  support  a  number 
of  little  prospective  butchers  as  by  one 
who  hasn't  a  care  upon  him?     Why 
every  oddment  of  bone  or  alien  piece  o 
fat  he  can  weigh  with  his  customer's 
purchase  means  so  much  towards  a 
provision  for  his  family.    I  don't  blame 
him,  Eupert.  Charity  begins  at  home,  of 
course.   But  let  us  also  remember  that." 
I  felt  the  weight  of  his  words  and 
•we  passed  on. 

I  lost  Algernon  later  in  the  day,  but 
at  nightfall  we  met  again  and  he  led 
me  with  an  air  of  mystery  to  a  dingy 
little  hostelry  which  he  had  selected.0 

I  arose  early  the  next  morning,  but 
Algernon  was  late  for  breakfast.  He 
came  at  last  with  a  face  full  of 
misgiving.  I  ate  my  lukewarm  bacon 
m  resignation  and  silence  and  waited 
f°r  his  confidences.  At  last  he  spoke. 
'Eupert,"  he  said  in  an  awed  whisper 
"  have  you  ever  met  a  Cyclist  ?  " 


I  reflected  a  moment,  then  answered, 
"Yes — when  I  was  young." 
"  What  was  he  like,  Eupert  ?  " 
"  Normal,  average — when  away  from 
his  bicycle  you  wouldn't  have  known 
him  from  the  rest  of  his  kind. 

"  Extraordinary  1  Did  he  devote  his 
life  to  good  works,  self-denial  and  so 
on?" 

Never,  in  my  experience  of  him." 
Did  he  try  to  convert  people  to  his 
cult — his  way  of  thinking  ?  " 
"  Not  to  my  knowledge." 
"  Anyhow,    I  'm    glad    I  'm    not    a 
cyclist.       I    haven't    the    right    stuff 
in  me.      Their  hardships,  their  patient 
endurance  and  all  that  appal  me." 
I  waited  for  enlightenment.   It  came. 
"Eupert,"     he     breathed,     "this  — 
this — is    '  Good    Accommodation    for 
Cyclists.'     Oh,  Eupert,"  he  said,  his 
eyes  filling  with  tears,  "  do  you  think 
a  Cyclist   ever  meets  accommodation 
that  he  considers  really  bad  ?  " 

I  took  him  by  the  hand  and  led  him 
out  into  the  fresh  air.  He  revived 
presently  and  spoke  again. 

"  I  see  it  all,"  he  said,  and  pointed 
to  a  board  which  I  had  failed  to  notice 
the  previous  evening.  I  read  the 
legend,  "  A  Home  from  Home." 

"  '  A  Home  from  Home,'  "  Algernon 
went    on.      "Think  of    that.      What 
pathos  !     A  home — yes — but   strayed 
far,  we  can  never  know  how  far,  from 
its    abiding-place.       And    we  in  our 
thoughtless  ignorance  have  been  abus- 
ing it.     This  home  has  a  past,  perhaps 
in  Brixton  or  Bayswater.     Can't  you 
think  of  its  owner  years  ago  saying  to 
his  wife,  '  My  love,  the  home  is  looking 
a  bit  run  down  ;  let  us  send  it  to  some 
health-resort  and  see  what  that  will  do 
for  it '  ?    And  they  sent  it  here.    It  was 
wrong,  Eupert,  very  wrong.     Possibly 
they  sinned  in  ignorance.     This  home, 
I  feel  convinced,  wanted  a  more  bracing 
atmosphere.    Here  it  seitled  down  and 
became  what  it  is.     The  chairs,  miles 
from  their  accustomed  haunts,  became 
depressed  and  the  very  mattress  on  my 
bed  was   thin   and  emaciated.      You 
could  feel  every  bone  in   it,   Eupert. 
How  was  yours  ?    There  is  one  of  life's 
tragedies  here.      Think   of  the  owner 
visiting  his   home   full  of  hope— and 
seeing  it  as  it  is.     He  didn't  persevere. 
He  deserted  it  cruelly  and  shamefully! 
Things  went  from  bad  to  worse— no 
onger  a   home  worthy  of  the  name, 
merely  " — he  cast  about  in  his  mind  for 
a  suitable  appellation— "merely  a '  Good 
Accommodation  for  Cyclists.' " 

Then  I  also  understood,  and  for  a 
ime  we  were  too  moved  for   speech. 
Algernon  broke  the  silence. 

"  I   don't   think    I    really  care   for 
the   bright   yellow   sea    and  the   blue 


sad  associations,"  he  said.  "  I  don't 
think  the  strangest  colours  would  move 
me  to  enthusiasm  after  what  I  've 
suffered." 

There  was  a  pause. 

"  I  should  like  to  meet  that  Booking 
Clerk  again,"  said  Algernon  thouoht- 
fully. 

"  I  believe  he 's  '  At  Home '  every 
day  from  about  6  a.m.  till  midnight  at 
Liverpool  Street  Station,"  I  answered. 

"  Let  us  go  and  see,"  said  Algernon. 

INLAND   GOLF. 

I   HATE   the   dreadful   hollow,  in  the 

shade  of  the  little  wood, 
Its    lips    in    the   grass    above   are 

bearded  with  flame-gold  whin ; 
I  have  tried  to  forget  the  past,  to  play 

the  shot  as  I  should, 
But  echo  there,  however  I  put  it, 
answers  me,  "  In  1 " 

For   there   in   that    ghastly   pit    lon« 

years  ago  I  was  found, 
Playing  the  sad  three-more,  interring 

the  sphere  where  it  fell ; 
Mangled  and  flattened  and  hacked  and 

dinted  deep  in  the  ground, 
My  ball  had  the  look  that  is  joy  to 
the  loafer  with  balls  to  sell. 

Down  at  the  foot  of  the  cliff,  whose 

shadow  makes  dusk  of  the  dawn, 
Maddened    I    stood   and   muttered, 

making  a  friend  of  despair; 
Then  out  I   climbed  while   the  wind 
that  had  tricked    me    began    to 
fawn, 

Politely  removing  the  sand  that  had 
made  a  mat  of  my  hair. 

Why  do  they  prate  of  the  blessings  of 

golf  on  an  inland  course 
Where  the  "  pretty  "  is  but  the  plain, 

the  "  rough,"  prehensile  hay, 
That  yields  up  the  ball  (if  at  all)  to  a 

reckless  tour  de  force, 
And  mock*  with  rippling  mirth  your 
search  in  it  day  by  day. 

And  the  lost-ball  madness  flushes  up  in 

the  12-man's  head, 
When  the  breeze  brings  down   the 
impatient,  contemptuous  "  Fore !  " 
Till  he  gives  it  up  at  last  and,  dropping 

another  instead, 

Envies    those    fortunate    folk,    the 
dead,  who  need  golf  no  more. 


fishing-smacks— in  a   place  so  full  of 


Political  Intelligence. 
We  understand  that  in  consequence 
of  the  recent  strain  of  public  engage- 
ments in_  connection  with  the  Corona-  ! 
tion  festivities,  a  pair  for  the  rest  of  j 
the  season  has  been  arranged  between 
Master  ANTHONY  ASQUITH  and  Miss 
MEEGAN  LLOYD  GEORGE. 


JULY  12,  1911.] 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


37 


iiM^I^/,  VM&r*. 


HOSPITALITY   AT    HENLEY. 

Chorus  (to  unfortunate  swimmer).  "Go  AW  AT!    Go  A  WAY  I" 


MILITARY  INTELLIGENCE. 
(Answers  to  Correspondents.') 

Malta.  Ifc  is  no  use  appealing  to  us 
to  champion  you.  The  fact  that  you 
kept  the  regiment  one  hour  and  a  half 
on  parade  is  deplorable.  Your  excuse 
that  the  men  were  precious  bad  at 
"  marching  past  "  and  that  you  were 
on  the  eve  of  the  G.O.C.'s  annual 
inspection  will  not  lessen  the  gravity 
of  the  offence  in  the  eyes  of  the 
"  Court."  It  will,  however,  be  in  your 
favour  that  you  allowed  the  canteen  to 
be  open  for  two  hours  extra  after  the 
men  came  off  parade. 

Last  Joined  (Chatham).  An  eye-glass 
is  worn  occasionally  by  very  young  and 
inexperienced  officers;  but  we  do  not 
advise  you  to  use  one  when  you  join 
the  battalion. 

"  Sub,"  Plymouth.  Indeed  you  are 
mistaken.  A  board  of  officers  to  con- 
demn two  "  part  worn  "  great  coats  is 
as  important  a  military  requirement  as 
a  court-martial  for  murder.  The  fact 
that  your  cab-fare  from  Trigantal  cost 
the  Government  18/6,  and  that  the  value 
of  the  coats  totalled  4/8f,  would  not 
impress  the  House 

Field    Officer,  E.A.    (Abroad].    The 


following  list  may  help  you.  No 
wonder  you  are  perplexed  to  know 
when  to  wear  your  hats : — 

Forage  cap  (gold-laced).  Military 
use :  Going  to  mess  on  guest  nights. 
Home  use :  In  the  garden  and  to 
amuse  the  children. 

Field-service  cap  (blue).  Military 
use :  Going  to  mess  on  rainy  nights. 
Home  use  :  At  fancy  balls. 

Brown  "  Kitchener "  helmet. 
Military  use :  Ordinary  parades. 
Home  use  :  At  the  photographer's — 
most  becoming. 

Brown  slouch  hat.  Military 
use :  On  manoeuvres.  Home  use  : 
To  frighten  the  children  'when 
naughty. 

Blue  cap,  with  peak.  Military 
use :  With  the  frock-coat  when 
visiting  ships,  etc.,  etc.  Home  use  : 
At  Salvation  Army  meetings. 

White  helmet,  with  fittings. 
Military  use :  On  church  parade 
and  at  D.C.M.'s.  Home  use :  To 
interview  the  cook  on  Sunday 
morning. 

Khaki  field-service  cap.  Military 
use  :  When  visiting  sick  in  hospital, 
and  can  be  worn  at  night  when 
turning  out  the  main  guard. 


[N.B. — It  is  not  advisable  on  clear 
nights  as  you  may  be  set  n  by  higher 
authorities.]  Home  use :  May  be 
used  as  a  tea  cosy  or  a  mat  for 
vegetable  dishes. 

Straw  hat  pugaree  and  badge. 
Military  use :  When  it  is  92°  in 
the  shade.  Home  use :  This  hat 
with  a  litile  pale  blue  ribbon,  a 
few  forget-me-nots,  and  slightly 
tilted  on  the  loft  side,  will  make  a 
pretty  summer  hat  for  Madam. 

Khaki  peaked  cap,  with  bronze 
badge.  Military  use :  Anywhere 
and  at  any  time.  Home  use : 
Presented  to  the  garrison  church 
it  makes  a  neat  "collection  bag" 
when  held  by  the  peak. 


"Mrs. then  sang  the  National  Anthem. 

the  large  assembly,  inspired  by  her  full-throated 
rendering,  who  was  decidedly ^sweet,  joining  in 
the  loyal  chorus,  eo  to  speak." 

The  Acton  Exprcst. 

As  it  were,  as  one  might  say. 

"For  Sale.— Thirty  Cross-bred  Hens  ready 
to  lay  three  shillings  and  sixpence  apiece.  "- 
Ada.  in  "Fatal  Witness." 

This  is  really  sporting  of  them,  but- 
couldn't  they  make  it  four  shillings  1 


IS 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  12,  1911. 


ON    SHOW. 

"  THEKE  seems  to  be  quite  a  lot  of 
marrying  done  nowadays,"  I  observed 
to  Penelope  at  the  reception. 

"  Yes,  it  does  appear  to  be  coming 
in  again,"  she  assented  thoughtfully. 
••  One  has  to  do  something  now  that 
i  inking 's  gone  out.  Next  year  there  '11 
lo  some  new  cra/estarted,  and  weddings 
will  have  become  suburban." 

"Personally,"  I  said,  "I  like  to  see 
these  old  customs  revived.  When  you 
and  I  were  young •  " 

"  Are  you  too  hopelessly  attached  to 
the  refreshments  to  take  me  to  see  the 
presents?"  There  was  a  touch  of 
iisperity  in  Penelope's  voice  which 
l)3trayed  her  sensitiveness  on  the  sub- 
ject of  her  age.  She  is  still  some 
months  short  of  twenty-one. 

We  went  into  the  library,  which  had 
been  converted  for  the  afternoon  into 

kind    of    silversmith's    show-room. 


staring  at  us  from  the  bottom  of  our 
teacups !  " 

"  What  did  you  give  ?  " 

I  saw  that  it  was  useless  to  pursue 
the  subject  further,  so  I  indicated  the 
most  imposing  article  on  the  table — 
a  huge  silver  lamp  that  made  the  rest 
of  the  presents  look  insignificant. 
Penelope  was  suspicious  enough,  how- 
ever, to  examine  the  card,  which  effect- 
ually disposed  of  my  pretensions. 
Meekly  I  led  her  to  a  tiny  sweet-dish. 

"  Very  pretty,"  she  said,  as  her  nose 
assumed  its  most  scornful  angle. 
"What's  it  for?" 

"Ostensibly,"  I  explained,  "it's  a 
coal-scuttle,  but  by  pressing  a  secret 


To  me  it  is  always  rather  a  repellent 
spectacle,  this  profuse  and  barbaric 
display  of  gleaming  spoil,  representing, 
as  it  were,  the  "  takings  "  of  the  per- 
formance. One  seems  to  picture  the 
bride  and  bridegroom  saying :  "  We  've 
not  done  so  badly  out  of  it,  have  we?  " 
1'enelope,  however,  appeared  to  be  in 
her  element  among  the  loaded  tables, 
for  she  examined  each  article,  and  the 
c.ird  attached  thereto,  with  a  laborious 
thoroughness  and  a  critical,  calculating 
expression,  for  all  the  world  as  if  she 
were  a  dealer  called  in  to  give  an 
estimate  for  the  lot. 

In  front  of  her  own  present  she  came 
to  a  rather  obvious  halt.  It  was  a 
silver  inkpot,  with  a  little  clock  inserted 
in  the  underneath  side  of  the  lid. 
I  should  never  have  guessed  about  the 
little  clock  if  she  hadn't  lifted  the  lid 
to  show  me ;  and  I  noticed  that  when 
she  passed  on  she  left  it  open. 

"But  won't  they  find  it  disturbing," 
I  asked  her,  "when  they're  writing 
an  important  letter  to  have  the  flight 
of  time  continually  thrown  in  their 
faces  ?  It  would  put  me  off  my  game 
entirely." 

"This,"  replied  Penelope,  pointing 
dramatically  to  the  bauble,  "is  a 
significant  product  of  the  Age  of  Bustle. 
People  are  apt  to  spend  far  more  time 
than  they  can  afford  over  useless 
correspondence.  It  ought  to  do  a  lot 
of  good." 

"  Truth,"  I  said  in  my  best  epigram- 
matic vein,  "resides  at  the  bottom  of  a 
well,  Time  at  the  top  of  an  inkwell  " 
Not  discouraged  by  the  reception  of  this 
jen  d'espnt,  I  continued  rhetorically 
"But  where,"  I  said,  "is  this  passion 
for  clocks  to  end  ?  Are  we  always  to  be 
admonished  of  the  fleeting  minutes? 
oan  we  shall  be  finding  the  hour 


spring  you  can  convert  it  into  a  spare- 
bed.  But  it  has  no  clock,"  I  added 
cynically. 

When  I  came  upon  Penelope  again, 
she  was  standing  once  more  in  front  of 
her  inkpot,  and  once  more  lifting  the 
lid,  which  some  unfeeling  person  had 
closed  down.  A  sombre  individual  in 
a  semi-white  waistcoat  was  regarding 
her  with  a  carelessly  watchful  eye. 
I  drew  her  aside. 

"  Do  you  see  that  man  over  there  ?  " 
I  whispered.  "  He  's  a  detective,  and 
he  suspects  you  of  designs  on  your  own 
inkpot." 

"Oh,  how  thrilling!"  exclaimed 
Penelope.  "Do  steal  something,  just 
to  liven  him  up  a  bit." 

"  Doesn't  he  play  his  part  splendidly? 
See  how  interested  he  appears  to  be  in 
the  presents;  and  all  the  while  he's 
wondering  whether  you  '11  go  quietly  or 
whether  he  '11  have  to  call  for  assistance. 
And  he 's  got  quite  ordinary  boots  on." 

"Then  how  do  you  know  he's  a 
detective?" 

"  I  've  been  to  five  weddings  in  the 
last  fortnight,  and  he  's  appeared  at 
every  one  of  them  ;  that 's  why  his 
waistcoat  is  only  ssmi-wbite  now. 
We  're  quite  old  friends.  He  never  stirs 
away  from  the  presents,  and  I  've  asked 
him  to  keep  a  special  eye  on  mine  to- 
day, because  it  would  be  so  awkward 
if  anybody  picked  it  up  and  accidentally 
pressed  the  secret  spring.  A  spare  bed 
would  look  a  little  out  of  place  among 
all  these  things." 

"Well,  it's  been  a  horridly  dull 
afternoon,"  said  Penelope,  "and  I  do 
think  you  might  be  a  sportsman  and 
pinch  something  for  me,  if  it 's  only  an 
ice  or  some  of  those  little  pink  cakes." 

"But  you've  already  had Oh 

well,  you  may  as  well  get  something 
for  your  money,"  I  murmured,  as  I 
convoyed  her  back  to  the  refreshments. 
'But  I  should  have  been  very  ill 
indeed  if  I  'd  tried  to  get  my  money's 
worth  during  the  last  fortnight." 

"  I  doubt  it,"  said  Penelope.     "  I  've 
given  those  things  myself." 


DEDUCTIONS  ON   THE  LINKS. 

To  my  mind  nothing  is  more  mentally 
stimulating  than  playing  golf  with  a 
perfect  stranger.  From  the  somewhat 
inconsequent  dialogues  which  are 
apt  to  occur  on  such  occasions,  one 
has  considerable  opportunity  for 
making  deductions  as  to  the  char- 
acter and  career  of  one's  opponent. 
Moreover,  it  is  perfectly  immaterial 
whether  the  deductions  so  made  are 
correct  or  not.  Only  the  other  day 
fate  offered  me  facilities  for  exercising 
my  reasoning  powers  on  the  person  of 
an  unknown  gentleman  with  whom  I 
fixed  up  a  match.  The  results  are 
appended.  I  should  mention  that  tho 
said  gentleman  was  of  a  corpulent 
middle  age. 

PRELIMINARY  DEDUCTION. 
My  opponent,  while  refusing  to  play 
for  half-a-crown,  is  willing  to  stake 
sixpence  on  match.  I  deduce  that  he 
is  of  a  parsimonious  disposition  and 
carefully  examine  his  nose. 

HOLE  1. 

Opponent  discusses  weather.  Not 
therefore  of  an  original  turn  of  mind. 
All  square. 

HOLE  2. 

Deduce  that  there  is  a  distinct  origin- 
ality about  opponent's  golf.  Self  1  up. 

HOLE  3. 

Deduce  opponent  is  a  rabbit.     Self  2  up. 
HOLE  4. 

Silence.  Deem  it  tactful  not  to  speak 
to  opponent.  Self  3  up. 

HOLE  5. 

I  visit  strange  places.  Opponent 
commends  golf  as  an  inculcator  of 
patience.  He  has  apparently  not  yet 
learnt  that  there  is  a  time  for  speech 
and  a  time  to  refrain  from  speaking 
Self  2  up. 

HOLE  6. 

Opponent  breaks  driver.  Deduce  that 
his  remark  on  patience  had  a  general 
and  not  a  particular  application.  Self 
3  up. 

HOLE  7. 

Opponent  considers  that  in  the  long 
run  half-crown  balls  are  the  cheapest. 
Confirms  my  preliminary  deduction 
Self  3  up. 

HOLE  8. 

Opponent  tops  new  ball,  which,  after 
running  20  yards,  sinks  in  pond  beyond 
recovery.  Deduce  that  in  the  short 
run  half-crown  balls  are  not  always 
the  cheapest.  Self  4  up. 

HOLE  9. 

Opponent  mentions  his  son.  Deduce 
that  he  is  or  was  married.  Self  3  up. 


JULY  12,  1911.] 


CHAR1VA1U. 


39 


HOLK     10. 

Game  delayed    by  two  ladies,  who 
argue  on  green.     Opponent  condemns 
female  sex  wholesale.     Deduce  that  he 
is   or    has    been    unhappily    married 
Self  3  up.     Hole  halved  in  11. 

HOLE  11. 

Opponent  mentions  his  wife  as  nol 
sharing  his  enthusiasm  for  golf.  Deduce 
that  she  is  unhappily  married.  Sell 
4  up. 

HOLE  12. 

Opponent  complains  of  difficulty  oi 
getting  matches  on  these  links.  Deduce 
that  he  is  unpopular  in  club.  Hole 
halved. 

HOLE  13. 

Opponent,  after  innumerable  slashes 
in  heather  and  visitation  of  three 
bunkers,  arrives  on  green  in  7  (so 
he  says).  Deduce  that  there  is  a 
reason  for  his  unpopularity.  Sell 
3  up. 

HOLE  14. 

My  ball  leaps  into  a  Stygian  pool. 
Quote  "  Facilis  desccnsns,"  etc.  From 
simulated  look  of  comprehension  on 
opponent's  face  deduce  that  he  is  not 
a  Latin  scholar.  Self  2  up. 

HOLE  15. 

I  miss  six-inch  putt.  Opponent 
makes  excuses  for  me  in  particularly 
offensive  manner.  I  murmur,  "  Qui 
iriexcuse  m'accuse."  Opponent  ob- 
viously not  a  French  scholar.  Self 
1  up. 

HOLE  16. 

Opponent  jocularly  remarks  that  he 
expects  to  relieve  me  of  half-a-crown. 
Make  tho  most  lenient  deduction 
possible,  that  he  is  blessed  with  a 
short  memory.  All  square. 

HOLE  17. 

Too  much  occupied  counting  op- 
ponent's strokes  to  make  deductions. 
All  square. 

HOLE  18. 

I  hole  out  a  mashie  shot  and  win 
match.  Opponent  ejaculates  "  "Elp." 
Deduce  that  moments  of  excitement 
disclose  humility  of  origin. 

EPILOGUE. 

Learn  from  enquiries  at  Club  house 
that  opponent  is  third  cousin  to  a 
backwood  Peer.  Suddenly  remember 
he  has  omitted  to  pay  me  my  sixpence. 
Left  deducing. 


The  Passion  for  Music. 

"  Unofficial  bank  computations  indicate  that 
New  York's  loss  this  week  has  been  16,000,000 
dollars  (£3,200,000)  cash  on  the  payment  for 
the  new  Government  bands.  "—Standard. 


One  of  the  ladies  in  the  background  (discussing  the  failings  of  a  common  acquit  iatance),  "  IK  IT 

WEltE    ONLY    CHLORAL,     OE     EVES    MORPHIA,    BUT     LAUDANUM,     MY    DEAI1— I.AUUAM M     l>    M) 
FRIGHTFULLY   MIDDLE-C'LASS. " 


THE  HEAVY  FANTASTIC. 
ACCORDING  to  The  Times  of  July  4, 
Mme.  PAVLOVA  in  Le  Cygne  "  sends  the 
spectator  home  to  re-read 

'  Euhig  schwebend  zart  gesellig 
Aber  stolz  und  selbstgef'iillig 
Wie  sich  Haupt  und  Schnabel  regt — ' 
n  Faust's  vision  of  the  swans,"  while 
n  the  Bacchanals  she  and  M.  MOBDKIN 
'  evoke  whole  stanzas  of  Atalanta." 

Patriotic  theatre-goers  will  be  glad 
o  learn   that   it   is   not  only  foreign 
artistes  who  have  this  vivid  power  of 
iterary  suggestion. 

Mr.  Philip  Pretious  writes  to  us 
!rom  The  Gables,  North  Kensington, 
;o  say  that  he  never  sees  Mr.  HARRX 


LAUDEB  or  hears  his  bacchanalian 
ditties  without  being  reminded  of  PIN- 
DAR'S immortal  remark,  apunon  pi*  ttiap. 
LITTLE  TICH  invariably  sends  him 
home  to  read  the  Autobiography  of 
HERBERT  SPENCER,  and  Mr.  CHARLES 
HAWTKEY  evokes  whole  cantos  of 
DANTE'S  Divina  Commedia. 

On  the  other  hand,  Miss  Phyllis 
Tyne  writes  to  us  to  say  that  she 
never  reads  such  notices  as  the  above 
without  being  seized  with  a  violent 
desire  to  re-read  the  poem  in  which 
the  following  couplet  occurs  : — 
"  Of  all  the  torments  that  I  most  abhor 

Heav'ii  guard  ae  from  the  worst,  the  quoting 
bore. " 


40 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVARI. 


[JULY  12,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

THERE  is  only  one  page  of  Flaws  (HUTCHINSON)  to  which 
I  find  myself  taking  any  objection,  and  that  is  the  title- 
page,  because  on  this  Miss  JANE  BARLOW  adds  to  the  name 
of  her  latest  book  the  very  inaccurate  description  "  a  novel." 
Whatever  else  Flaws  may  be— and  it  is  many  things  at 
unusual  and  charming — a  novel  it  certainly  is  not. 


once 

At  first 


I  thought 


that  it  was   going   to   be   one,  when 


ill)       J-llOU        1         I  I  I W  U  L;  L  i  L        I    L  J  (LIJ       1U         VY  OI&        f_,v  'i  '  1^-,         V\J         M\J        \ji+\jj         T 

Frances,  the  superfluous  and  neglected  daughter  of  the 
Lathams,  having  married  to  "  disoblige  "  her  family  and 
been  very  decidedly  cast  off,  returned  to  her  childhood's 
home  as  a  widow  much  richer  than  anyone  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood had  any  idea  of.  The  situation  thus  created 
appeared  full  of  pleasant 
promise,  and  I  was  more 
than  a  little  disappointed 
when  all  this  turned  out 
to  be  merely  introductory 
to  the  use  which  Frances, 
deceased,  ordered  to  be 
made  of  the  wealth  she  left 
behind  her.  What  was  done 
with  it  was  to  build  a  kind 
of  home,  or  rather  collec- 
tion of  homes,  called  "  The 
Half-Square,"  for  reduced 
gentility.  It  is  out  of  this 
foundation  and  the  charac- 
ters of  its  inmates  that  Miss 
BARLOW  makes  the  chief 
part  of  her  book ;  and  the 
theme  is  one  that  suits  her 
rambling,  discursive  style 
to  a  nicety.  As  a  back- 
ground we  have  a  picture ! 
of  middle-class  Irish  society, 
portrayed  with  a  quiet 
humour  that  is  always 
kindly,  and  never  permits 
itself  the  least  exaggeration 
towards  the  farcical.  The 
reader  who  is  out  for  sensa- 
tion and  a  closely-knit  plot 
might  conceivably  find 
Flaws  disappointing ;  to 
a  much  larger  number, 


North-Couiitnj  Visitor  (to friend,  also  North-Country).   "COME  ON,  IT'S 

'00   QUIET  HERE  :     WE 'llE  GETTING   NO   VALUE  FOR  OUR   MONEY." 


TOO   QUIET  HERE  ;     WE  'RE  GETTING  NO   VALUE  FOR  OUR   MONEY, 

friend.  "  No  VALUE  ?   WHY,  MAN,  I  CAN  HEAR  THREE  BANDS  AT  ONCE  !  " 


especially  to   those   who  know   the   society  of  which  it 
treats,  the  book  will  bring  a  store  of  lasting  entertainment 


and  pleasure. 


If  ever  there  was  an  English  institution  determined  to 
survive  the  hostile  attacks  of  its  critics,  that  institution  is 
Circuit.  Members  of  Parliament,  private  individuals,  and 
even  the  judges  themselves,  have  tried  from  time  to  time  to 
kill  it,  but  still  it  flourishes,  if  a  little  subdued,  nevertheless 
beloved  of  the  Common  Law  Bar,  marvelled  at  and  possibly 
envied  by  the  Chancery  Bar,  and  treated  with  respect  by  a 
trustful  public.  That  this  last  attitude  is  not  more 
intelligent  is  due  only  to  the  fact  that  the  institution  has 
never  attempted  to  justify  or  even  explain  itself  to  the  lay 
mind,  and  it  has  remained  for  "  A  Western  Circuit  Tramp  " 
(whose  anonymity  has  not  entirely  defied  the  penetration 
the  Profession)  to  reveal  its  raison  d'etre,  its  practical 
use,  and,  more  especially,  its  social  constitution  and 
humorous  experiences.  Pie  Powder  (MURRAY),  being  dust 
i  the  Law  Courts,  is  by  no  means  as  dry  as  its  title 


would  suggest,  though  the  reader  must  be  prepared  for 
some  technical  matter  by  way  of  introduction.  It  is  always 
entertaining  and  often  droll,  and  the  occasional  verses  are 
none  the  worse  for  being  written  (as  I  imagine)  in  the 
duller  moments  of  Assize.  It  is  eminently  sane  and 
corrective  of  the  wild  nonsense  that  is  written  about  the 
law,  and  many  a  reader  will  suffer  the  agonies  of  disillusion 
with  regard  tq  the  reputed  innocence  of  criminals  or  even 
the  romantic  and  heroic  nature  of  their  crimes.  At  the 
least  tha  public  may  herein  appreciate  the  sportsmanship 
of  the  Circuiteers,  and,  by  way  of  recognition,  will  recover, 
it  is  hoped,  from  its  present  state  of  depression  and  return 
to  the  habit  of  litigation  with  something  of  its  old  vigour. 

I    could  forgive   or,  at   any  rate,   excuse   Mr.  HORACE 
NEWTE  for  unlawfully  wounding  and  conspiring  to  subvert 

the  King's  English  during 
the  first  half  of  The  Socialist 
Countess  (MILLS  AND  BOON), 
because  he  seemed  to  feel 
that  he  had  a  mission  to 
fulfil  on  behalf  of  Tariff 
Reform  and  the  Conserva- 
tive Press.  Not  that  I 
particularly  sympathised 
with  his  sentiments,  but  I 
am  always  ready  to  make 
allowances  for  a  seer  in  the 
heat  of  his  inspiration. 
Later  on,  however,  as  the 
clarity  of  his  vision  seemed 
to  fade  whilst  the  obfusca- 
tion  of  his  syntax  was 
maintained,  I  began  to  feel 
less  lenient.  The  plot  of 
The  Socialist  Countess  deals 
with  the  love  of  a  daughter 
of  the  aristocracy  for  a 
talented  young  revolution- 
ary of  the  lower  classes, 
and  the  disillusionment  she 
experiences  when  con- 
fronted by  the  low  life  of 
his  relations,  a  theme 
which  was  utilized  very 
recently  by  Mr.  SOMERSET 
MAUGHAM  in  his  play, 
Loaves  and  Fishes.  In 
reproducing  a  Mile  End 


•LV^A  v/uw^»ug        01        J.TXJ1D        J.J11U 

interior,  and  the  conversation  and  manners  of  its  inhabitants, 
the  author  has  shown  himself  clever  enough,  but  the  only 
lesson  I  am  able  to  draw  in  the  end  from  what  is  apparently 
a  polemical  novel  is  that  East  is  East,  and  West  West,  and 
that  the  two  are  incapable  of  meeting,  except,  I  suppose,  at 
Temple  Bar.  By  the  way,  I  ought  to  mention  that  in  one 
place  Mr.  NEWTE  has  reproached  a  character  for  splitting 
an  infinitive.  I  must  remind  him  that  the  practice  of 
hanging  two  or  three  harmless  and  loyal  nominatives  on 
almost  every  page  (and  in  this  year  of  all  years  !)  is  quite 
as  treasonable  an  offence. 

From  an  advt.  in  The  Sydney  Daily  Telegraph : — 

"  Crystal  Cut  Glass  Jug,  with  Electroplate    £200 
Less  20  per  cent 086 


£1  13     6." 


We  doubt  if  even  the  generosity  and  large-mindedness  of 
the  division  would  quite  console  us  for  the  thriftiness  of 


the  subtraction. 


JULY  19,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


41 


AN  ASSYRIAN  SCULPTOR  HAS  TROUBLE  WITH  HIS  MODEL. 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  was  a  happy  thought  on  the  part 
of  the  PRINCE  OP  WALES  to  invite  his 
parents  to  his  Investiture  as  a  return 
for  the  courtesy  of  being  invited  to 
their  Coronation. 

#_.  •:•• 

"  I  am  a  child  of  the  House  of  Com- 
mons," confessed  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE 
when  he  was  entertained  hy  the  Press 
Gallery.  Still,  he  must  not  keep  on 
much  longer  using  this  as  an  excuse. 
He  is  getting  a  big  boy  by  now. 

An  early  English  half  -  timbered 
dwelling  house,  dating  from  1490,  has 
been  removed  from  Hawstead,  Suffolk, 
and  re-erected  on  the  Marine  Parade 
at  Clacton-on-Sea.  This  experiment 
of  prolonging  the  life  of  old  houses  by 
taking  them  to  the  sea-side  will  be 
watched  with  interest. 
#  * 

In  New  York,  a  contemporary  tells 
us,  a  "woollen  manufacturer"  is  suing 
his  wife  for  a  divorce  on  the  ground 
that  she  frequently  absents  herself 
from  him  for  whole  days  afc  a  time  to 
play  cards.  We  must  confess  to  a 
certain  amount  of  sympathy  for  the 
wife.  A  woman's  ideal  is  a  man  of 


iron ;  a  woollen  manufacturer  must  be 
a  peculiarly  poor  thing. 

* ' 

A  correspondent  asks :  "  Can  an 
American  be  a  J.P.  ?  "  Certainly.  Take 
Mr.  J.  P.  MORGAN. 

We  understand  it  was  the  hot 
weather  more  than  anything  else  that 
caused  the  Government  to  consider  the 
possibility  of  a  compromise  on  the 
House  of  Lords  question.  The  cruelty 
of  thrusting  500  additional  persons 
into  a  building  with  bare  accommoda- 
tion for  the  existing  members  became 
acutely  apparent. 

It  has  now  been  proved  that  the 
U.S.  battleship  Maine  was  not  blown 
up  by  the  Spaniards.  As  the  belief 
that  the  contrary  was  the  case  was  one 
of  the  causes  of  the  Spanish-American 
war,  fair-minded  persons  are  of  the 
opinion  that  either  Cuba  and  the 
Philippines  ought  to  be  given  back  to 
their  former  owners,  or  else  Spain 
ought  to  be  allowed  actually  to  blow 
up  an  American  battleship. 

'  2"  ' 

It  has  been  proposed  that  Morocco 
should  be  divided  into  four  parts — a 
French  zone,  a  Spanish  zone,  a 


German   zone,   and    a    British    zone. 
As  a  sop  to  MULAI  HAFID  the  country 

would  still  be  called  Morocco. 

*  * 
* 

A  Clown's  Grim  Joke !  Mr.  JAMES 
DOUGHTY,  who  is  in  his  ninety-third 
year,  has  married  a  lady  of  only  twenty- 
four  summers. 

Our  eye  was  caught,  as  we  passed  a 
tobacconist's  shop  the  other  day,  by  a 
"  Motor  Pipe."  The  idea  strikes  us  as 
an  excellent  one.  It  is  such  a  nuisance, 
I  especially  in  hot  weather,  to  have  to 
continue  puffing  in  order  to  keep  one's 
pipe  alight,  and  we  cannot  all  afford 
to  engage  a  man  to  do  it  for  us. 

While  we  are  not  in  favour  of  what 
known  as  a  "Continental  Sunday,1' 
approve    of     the    action    of     the 
Colchester  Town   Council,   who   have 
declined  to  prohibit  Sunday  funerals. 


"A  procession  will  Ix-  formed  in  tin  Muiki-t- 
place,  and  tlioHe  taking  (art  will  marc-li  t"  tlir 
Alliert  Hall,  where  a  service  will  be  hclil.  tin1 
preacher  lieiiu?  tlic  Rev.  K.  M.  Cautrey.  The 
procession  will  coiwwt  of  Kev.  R.  M.  Qtatttf. 
XoUittglmw  Kmiiiuj  1'ial. 

Mr.  GAUTREY  seems  to  be  the  whole 
show. 


is 
we 


VOL.  ex  LI. 


42 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  19,  1911. 


THE    HOUSE   WARMING. 

II. — A  GALA  PERFORMANrE. 

THE  sun  came  into  my  room  early 
next  morning  and  woke  ma  up.  It 
was  followed  immediately  by  a  large 
blue-bottle  which  settled  down  to  play 
with  me.  We  adopted  the  usual  for- 
mation, the  blue-bottle  keeping  mostly 
to  the  back  of  the  court  whilst  I  waited 
at  the  net  for  a  kill.  After  two  sets 
I  decided  to  change  my  tactics.  I 
looked  up  at  the  ceiling  and  pretended 
I  wasn't  playing.  The  blue  -  bottle 
settled  on  my  nose  and  walked  up  my 
forehead.  "  Heavens  !  "  I  cried,  clasp- 
ing my  hand  suddenly  to  my  brow, 
"  I  've  forgotten  my  tooth  -  brush !  " 
This  took  it  completely  by  surprise, 
and  I  removed  its  corpse  into  the 
candlestick. 

Then  Simpson  came  in  with  a  golf 
club  in  his  hand. 

"  Great  Scott,"  he  shouted,  "  you  re 
not  still  in  bed  '?  " 

"  I  am  not.  This  is  telepathic  sug- 
gestion. You  think  I  'm  in  bed  ;  I 
appear  to  be  in  bad ;  in  reality  there 
is  no  bed  here.  Do  go  away — I 
haven't  had  a  wink  of  sleep  yet." 

"  But,  man,  look  at  the  lovely 
morning !  " 

"  Simpson,"  I  said  sternly,  rolling 
up  the  sleeves  of  my  pyjamas  with 
great  delibsration,  "  I  have  had  one 
visitor  already  to-day.  His  corpse  is 
now  in  the  candlestick.  It  is  an  omen, 
Simpson." 

"  I  thought  you  'd  like  to  come  out- 
side with  me,  and  I  'd  show  you  my 
swing." 

"  Yes,  yes,  I  shall  like  to  see  that, 
but  after  breakfast,  Simpson.  I  sup- 
pose one  of  the  gardeners  put  it  up  for 
you  ?  You  must  show  me  your  box 
of  soldiers  and  your  tricycle  horse,  too. 
But  run  away  now,  there  's  a  good  hoy." 

"  My  golf-swing,  idiot." 

I  sat  up  in  bed  and  stared  at  him 
in  sheer  amazement.  For  a  long  time 
words  wouldn't  come  to  mo.  Simpson 
backed  nervously  to  the  door. 

"  I  saw  the  Coronation,"  I  said  at 
last,  and  I  dropped  back  on  my  pillow 
and  went  to  sleep. 

---  -::•  *  * 

"  I  feel  very  important,"  said  Archie, 
coming  on  to  the  lawn  where  Myra 
and  I  were  playing  a  quiet  game  of 
bowls  with  the  croquet  balls.  "  I  've 
been  paying  the  w<>ges." 

"Archie  and  I  do  hate  it  so,"  said 
Dahlia.  "  I  'm  luckier,  because  I  only 
pay  mina  once  a  month." 

"  It  would  be  much  nicer  if  they 
did  it  for  love,"  said  Archie,  "  and  just 
accepted  a  tie-pin  occasionally.  I 
never  know  what  to  say  when  I  hand 
a  man  eighteen-and-six." 


"Here's  eighteen-and-six,"  I  sug- 
gested, "  and  don't  bite  the  half- 
sovereign,  because  it  may  he  bad." 

"  You  should  shake  his  hand,"  said 
Myra,  "and  say, ' Thank  you  very  much 
for  the  azaleas.'  " 

"  Or  you  might  wrap  the  money  up 
in  paper  and  have  it  for  him  in  one 
of  the  beds." 

"And  then  you'd  know  whether  he 
had  made  it  properly." 

"  Well,  you're  all  very  helpful,"  said 
Archie.  "  Thank  you  extremely.  Where 
are  the  others?  It's  a  pity  that  they 
should  be  left  out  of  this." 

'•  Simpson  disappeared  after  break- 
fast with  his  golf  clubs.  He  is  in  high 
dudgeon — which  is  the  surname  of  a 
small  fish — because  no  one  wanted  to 
see  his  swing." 

"  Oh,  but  I  do,"  said  Dahlia  eagerly. 
"  Where  is  he  ?  " 

"  We  will  track  him  down,"  an- 
nounced Archie.  "  I  will  go  to  the 
stables,  unchain  the  truffle  -  hounds, 
and  show  them  one  of  his  reversible 
cuffs." 

We  found  Simpsoa  in  the  pig-sty.  I 
regret  to  say  it — in  the  pig-sty.  The 
third  hole,  as  he  was  planning  it  out 
for  Archie,  necessitated  the  carrying  of 
the  farm  buildings,  which  he  described 
as  a  natural  hazard.  Unfortunately, 
his  ball  had  fallen  into  a  casual  pig- 
sty. It  had  not  yet  been  decided 
whether  the  ball  could  be  picked  out 
without  penalty  —  the  more  pressing 
need  being  to  find  the  blessed  thing. 
So  Simpson  was  in  the  pig  -  sty, 
searching. 

"If  you're  looking  for  the  old  sow," 
I  said,  "there  she  is,  just  behind  you." 

"  What 's  the  local  rule  about  loose 
pigs  blown  on  to  the  course  ?  "  asked 
Archie. 

"Oh,  you  fellows,  there  you  are," 
said  Simpson  rapidly.  "  I  'm  getting 
on  first-rate.  This  is  the  third  hole, 
Archie.  It  will  bo  rather  good,  I 
think ;  the  green  is  just  the  other 
side  of  the  pond.  I  can  make  a  very 
sporting  little  course." 

"We've  come  to  see  your  swing, 
Samuel,"  said  Myra.  "  Can  you  do  it 
in  there,  or  is  it  too  crowded  ?  " 

"I'll  come  out.  This  ball's  lost, 
I'm  afraid." 

"  One  of  the  little  pigs  will  eat  it," 
complained  Archie,  "  and  we  shall  have 
india-rubber  crackling." 

_  Simpson  came  out  and  proceeded  to 
give  his  display.  Fortunately  the 
weather  kept  fine,  the  conditions  indeed 
being  all  that  could  be  desired.  The 
sun  shone  brightly,  and  there  was  a 
slight  breeze  from  the  south  which 
tempered  the  heat  and  in  no  w.iy 
militated  against  thegenei  al enjoyment. 
The  performance  was  divided  into  two 


parts.  The  first  part  consisted  of 
Mr.  Simpson's  swing  without  the  ball, 
the  second  part  being  devoted  to  Mr. 
Simpson's  swing  with  the  ball. 

"This  is  my  swing,"  said  Simpson. 

He  settled  himself  ostentatiously  into 
his  stance  and  placed  his  club -head 
stiffly  on  the  ground  three  feet  away 
from  him. 

"  Middle,"  said  Archie. 

Simpson  frowned  and  began  to 
waggle  his  club.  He  waggled  it  care- 
fully a  dozen  times. 

"  -It 's  a  very  nice  swing,"  said  Myra 
at  the  end  of  the  ninth  movement, 
"  but  isn't  it  rather  short?  " 

Simpson  said  nothing,  but  drew  his 
club  slowly  and  jerkily  back,  twisting 
his  body  and  keeping  his  eye  fixed  on 
an  imaginary  ball  until  the  back  of  his 
neck  hid  it  from  sight. 

"You  can  see  it  better  round  this 
side  now,"  suggested  Archie. 

"He'll  split  if  he  goes  on,"  said 
Thomas  anxiously. 

"  He  's  going  to  pick  something  up 
with  his  teeth  in  a  moment,"  I  warned 
Myra. 

Then  Simpson  let  himself  go,  finish- 
ing up  in  a  very  creditable  knot 
indeed. 

"That's  quite  good,"  said  Dahlia. 
"  Does  it  do  as  well  when  there 's  a 
ball?" 

"  Well,  I  miss  it  sometimes,  of 
course." 

"  We  all  do  that,"  said  Thomas. 

Thus  encouraged,  Simpson  put  down 
a  ball  and  began  to  address  it.  It  was 
apparent  at  once  that  the  last  address 
had  been  only  his  telegraphic  one;  this 
was  the  genuine  affair.  After  what 
seemed  to  bs  four  or  five  minutes  there 
was  a  general  feeling  that  some  apology 
was  necessary.  Simpson  recognised 
this  himself. 

"  I  'm  a  little  nervous,"  he  said. 

"  Not  so  nervous  as  the  pigs  are," 
said  Archie. 

Simpson  finished  his  address  and  got 
on  to  I  is  swing.  He  swung.  He  hit 
the  ball.  The  ball,  which  seemed  to 
have  too  much  left-hand  side  on  it, 
whizzed  off  and  disappeared  into  the 
pond.  It  sank  .... 

Luckily  the  weather  had  held  up 
till  the  last. 

"  Well,  well,"  said  Archie,  "  it 's  time 
for  lunch.  We  have  had  a  riotous 
morning.  Let 's  all  take  it  easy  this 
afternoon."  A.  A.  M. 


Yellow  Journalism. 

"  The  Gcelong,  about  which  some  anxiety  was 
aroused,  owing  to  the  vessel  being  some  three 
days  late,  arrived  to-day." 

Very  good ;  but  The  South  African  News 
has  seen  fit  to  give  this  paragraph  the 
scare-heading,  "  Eaten  by  Sharks." 


A    WARM    EECEPTION. 

Sol  "WHAT  A  WELCOME!      WOESE  THAN  WHAT  I  GET  WHEN  I  STAY  AWAY." 
John  Bull.  "MY  DEAR   SIB,   DON'T  YOU   WOEEY  ABOUT  THESE    SCAEE-LINES.      I  DONT. 
THE  MOEE  I   SEE   OF  YOU  THE   BETTEE  PLEASED  I  AM." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  19,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

••THE  GIRL  WHO  COULDN'T  LIE." 
SHE  was  not  born  that  way.  It 
came  upon  her  quite  abruptly  after 
reading  a  passage  of  WORDSWORTH  over- 
night. Ihe  seer  of  Kydal  cannot 
however  be  held  responsible  for  the 
interpretation  which  she  put  upon  his 
sentiments.  Her  sudden 
inability  to  tell  lies  —  in 
itself  a  meritorious  defect 
if  strictly  confined  to 
negative  application — was 
extended  to  include  features 
undreamed  of  in  the  philo- 
sophy of  the  Lake  District. 
Not  content  with  avoiding 
falsehood,  this  miserable 
girl  must  go  out  of  her  way 
to  tell,  to  their  faces,  the 
uninvited  truth  about  her 
own  family,  and  even 
wantonly  report,  to  one  of 
her  mother's  guests,  the 
gossip  about  her  which  she 
has  overheard  from  the  lips 
of  other  guests.  This,  I 
take  it,  was  no  part  of  the 
WORDSWORTH  scheme.  Of 
Mr.  KEBLE  HOWARD'S  own 
intentions  I  can  speak  with 
less  certainty.  If  his  ob- 
ject was  to  expose  the 
insincerity  of  our  social  life  (not 
a  very  fresh  theme),  then  the  girl 
should  not  have  failed,  as  she  does  fail 
in  the  end,  and  with  bitter  humilia- 
tion. If,  on  the  other  hand,  he  wanted 
to  show  that  the  naked  truth  is  often 
an  unworkable  indecency,  he  was  only 
telling  us  what  we  knew  already  from 
The  Palace  of  Truth,  even  if  it  had  not 
occurred  to  our  unaided  intelligence. 

The  fact  is,  Mr.  HOWARD  does  not 
seem  to  have  taken  the  feelings  of  his 
audience  into  consideration  at  all.  He 
treated  us  as>  if  we  could  have  em- 
ployed the  same  remedies  which  were 
available  for  readers  of  the  novel  (by 
himself)  on  which  his  play  was  founded. 
But,  if  a  book  bores  you,  you  can  skip, 
or  you  can  throw  it  aside.  With  a 
play  you  are  at  the  author's  mercy. 
Anyhow,  I  could  not  bring  myself,  on 
the  third  night,  to  be  uncivil  enough 
to  walk  out.  In  so  sparse  an  audience, 
where  every  occupant  of  the  stalls 
was  a  marked  man  (or  woman),  my 
withdrawal  must  have  been  the  object 
of  general  notice. 

Mr.  HOWARD'S  novel  (which  I  have 
not  had  the  pleasure  of  reading)  may 
have  exhibited  that  familiarity  with  a 
middle-class  atmosphere  upon  which 
his  reputation  has  been  built.  But 
whatever  realism  the  play  con- 
tamed  was  badly  damaged  by  the 
heroine's  improbability  and  also  by  the 


introduction  of  animated  tableaux  in 
the  background  (like  the  inset  in  "  The 
Soldier's  Dream ")  illustrating  events 
which  had  occurred  at  various  inter- 
vals of  time  and  space — a  thoroughly 
juvenile  device. 

Miss  MURIEL  POPE,  as  the  arch- 
prig,  played  with  a  calm  relentlessness 
that  knew  no  pity.  She  seemed  to 


Mr.  EDMUND  GWENN  (Uncle  Peter).  "  I  must  pretend  to  be  annoyed,  but 
really  this  is  the  most  pleasant  part  of  the  performance  on  a  hot  night  in 
July." 

take  a  quiet  pleasure  in  holding  up  the  j  first    boat 
action  of   the  play,  and  embarrassing  to  work  at 
everybody,    including    the     audience, 
while    she    threw    off    her    intermin- 
able revelations.    There  were  moments 
of   unobtrusive    fun   in   the  breakfast 


scene,  but   the 


in 

dialogue 


was   for  the 


most  part  rather  anaemic,  except  when 


Dionysus  (Mr.  GODFREY  TEARI.E).  "Give  me 
your  heart." 

Ariadne  (Miss  GRACE  LAXE).  "Alas!  I 
haven't  one." 

Dionysus.  "Cliicaue  again!  Just  like  the 
luck  of  us  gods  !  " 


Mr.  GWENN  introduced  a  touch  of  his 
own  full-blooded  humour. 

The  attractions  offered  by  the 
Criterion  Theatre  are  curiously  unequal, 
and  this,  I  am  afraid,  is  one  of  its 
bad  patches.  It  may  even  have; 
been  supplanted  by  the  time  this 
rather  superfluous  criticism  gets  into 
print. 

"  ARIADNE  IN  NAXOS." 

In  those  works  of  classical 
mythology  which,  in  the 
opinion  of  all  good  peda- 
gogues, afford  the  soundest 
moral  training  for  the 
British  schoolboy's  prehen- 
sile mind,  we  were  always 
given  to  understand  that 
Theseus,  growing  weary  of 
his  Ariadne,  left  her  ma- 
rooned on  Naxos  ;  and  that 
Dionysus,  chancing  to  drift 
that  way,  made  her  the 
object  of  his  wandering 
fancy  and  undertook  to 
console  her  irregular 
widowhood.  Mr.  MAURICE 
HEWLETT  has  embroidered 
this  legend.  In  his  view, 
Dionysus,  finding  Theseus 
in  the  way,  got  him  out  of  it 
by  inspiring  him  with  such 
a  passion  for  military  am- 
bition that  he  took  the 
for  Athens,  so  as  to  get 
once,  Naxos  being  rather 
insular  and  affording  inadequate 
scope  for  martial  valour.  But  these 
were  surely  not  the  methods  of 
the  real  Dionysus.  The  frenzy  he 
inspired  was  a  sudden  unreasoning 
frenzy,  which  made  for  immediate 
hooliganism  and  not  for  an  heroic 
career.  I  doubt,  too,  whether,  in  his 
desire  to  illustrate  the  loneliness  and 
futility  of  godhead — how  it  could 
compel  the  bodies  of  mortal  women, 
but  never  their  hearts — Mr.  HEWLETT 
was  very  happy  in  his  selection  of 
so  animal  a  type  as  this  god  of 
the  wine  -  vat.  His  spiritualizing 
processes  would  have  been  better 
applied  to  some  other  Olympian — 
Hermes,  say,  for  choice.  He  seemed 
almost  to  ignore  the  bibulous  tem- 
perament of  Dionysus.  The  Eussian 
Bacchanale,  though  possibly  less  Greek 
in  its  motive  than  the  dance  of  Mr. 
HEWLETT'S  chorus,  did  at  least  show 
us  the  symbol  of  Bacchus  in  the 
vine-grapes.  But  here  the  ecstasy  of 
the  Cretan  maidens  (hardly  perhaps  the 
best  subjects  for  his  inspiration,  seeing 
that  they  were  not  of  the  hysteric  class 
of  which  maenads  are  made,  but  the 
virginal,  if  rather  sentimental,  com- 
panions of  Ariadne,  votary  of  the  chaste 
Artemis)  was  not  created  by  the  fumes 
of  wine,  but  by  a  sort  of  amorous 


JULY  19,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


Xcgular  Customer  (just  entered).  "STRONG  SMELL  OF  PAIXT  HERE,  WILLIAM!" 

Waiter  (coughing  apologetically).  "  YESSIR— SOON  PASS  OFF,  SIB— THEY'RE  JUST  GOING." 


exhalation  in  which  no  alcoholic  ele- 
ment was  apparent. 

There  was  strangeness,  too,  in  cer- 
tain signs  of  Biblical  influence,  shown 
both  in  the  phraseology — "  0  perjured, 
that  could  not  watch  one  hour ! "  "  I  have 
no  crown,  but  reproach  for  garment "- 
and  also  in  the  un-Greek  recognition  of 
moral  sin  and  the  need  of  repentance. 

However,  all  this  is  mere  criticism  of 
the  book.  The  putting  on  of  the  play 
at  the  Little  Theatre  was  an  extremely 
interesting  experiment,  though  for  more 
than  one  reason  it  is  not  likely  to  find 
its  way  into  the  bill  of  any  house, 
little  or  large.  Among  the  men,  per- 
haps the  finest  single  performance  in 
declamation  was  Mr.  BUNSTON'S  narra- 
tive of  the  fate  of  JSgeus.  Mr.  GODFREY 
TEARLE  was  unrecognisable  as  the  Greek 
Dionysus,  but  he  was  Mr.  HEWLETT'S, 
and  his  closing  speech  upon  the  limita- 
tions of  the  gods  was  given  with  great 
sense  of  beauty.  Miss  GHACK  LANE, 
though  a  little  noisy  at  times,  was  a 
sensitive  Ariadne,  and  conveyed  very 
perfectly,  both  in  attitude  and  facial 
expression,  her  alternating  absorption 
in  the  two  loves,  sacred  and  profane. 
Theseus,  in  the  hands  of  Mr.  CLAUDE 
KING  (and  not  Lord  HOWARD  DE 
WALDEN,  as  I  thought  at  one  time), 


was  the  least  satisfactory,  until  he 
warmed  to  his  work.  Finally,  the 
movements  of  the  Chorus  in  their 
Parabasis  were  taken  straight  off 
Greek  vases. 

The  only  real  failure  was  in  the 
suggestion  of  rhythmic  cadence. 
Everybody  seemed  content  to  make 
the  author's  meaning  intelligible  and 
leave  the  music  of  his  verse  to  take  care 
of  itself.  It  was  pardonable  that  some 
of  his  rather  cryptic  measures  should 
reach  us  in  the  shape  of  poetic  prose, 
but  there  was  no  excuse  for  ignoring 
the  beat  of  the  anapaest.  Our  modern 
elocutionists  have  still  to  learn  that 
there  may  be  rhythmic  design  even  in 
blank  verse  (Mr.  HEWLETT,  by  the  way, 
seems  to  prefer  the  iambic  dimeter), 
and  that  its  division  into  lines  of  a 
certain  length  is  not  a  mere  arbitrary 
arrangement  for  permitting  us  to  dis- 
tinguish between  prose  and  poetry;  and 
meanwhile  there  seems  little  hope  for 
their  rendering  of  the  lovelier  and  more 
intricate  measures  of  the  Greeks.  Their 
failure  in  this  matter  was  the  one 
disappointment  in  a  very  attractive 
performance,  in  regard  to  which  I  will 
be  Greek  enough  not  to  play  the  part 
of  Mrs.  Grundy  and  raise  any  questi  ui 
of  the  proprieties.  O.  S. 


THE  TEIALS  OF  A  WOMAN 

OF  GENIUS. 

II. 

Friday. — This  morning  I  had  a  most 
extraordinary  letter,  acknowledging  and 
returning  the  MS.  of  my  novel,  tieaiity's 
Ensign.  It  was  dated  from  Regent 
Street,  and  ran  thus : — 

DEAB  MADAM, — We  beg  to  acknow- 
ledge witb  thanks  receipt  of  your  favour 
of  the  13th  inst.,  enclosing  type-written 
manuscript  of  your  novel,  entitled 
Beauty's  Ensign,  on  which  you  wish 
us  to  express  a  "candid  opinion."  This, 
we  may  inform  you,  is  a  request  that 
in  the  whole  course  of  the  history  of 
our  fiim  has  never  been  mode  to  us 
yet,  but  in  view  of  the  long  and 
generous  patronage  we  have  enjoyed 
for  so  many  years  from  your  husband 
and  his  family  we  have  decided  to 
accede  to  it  with  the  best  of  our  ability, 
and  accordingly  entrusted  the  MS.  to 
our  Mr.  Jellicoe,  who  is  a  gentleman 
of  pronounced  literary  tastes  and  a 
great  reader.  We  enclose  herewith 
Mr.  Jellicoe's  repcrt,  which  we  trust 
will  meet  with  your  satisfaction;  and 
awaiting  your  further  esteemed  orders 
we  are,  Yours  obediently, 
[Encl.]  THOMAS  HARDY  AND  Co. 


4G 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  19,  1911. 


Smithson  Junior  (as  the  homily  ends  and  the  real  business  is  about  to  start}.   "PLEASE,  SIK,  is 

IT  STERILISED?" 


"  Whether  we  consider  the  length  of 
this  novel  or  the  breadth  of  its  charac- 
terisation, it  must  be  pronounced  a 
remarkably  piquant  and  lovely  produc- 
tion. In  the  voluptuousness  of  its 
imagery  it  reminds  one  more  of  Miss 
MAKIE  COUELLI  than  any  other  writer 
•with  whom  I  am  acquainted,  and  the 
language  of  the  characters  is  extremsly 
recherchi.  It  must  be  admitted,  how- 
ever, that  readers  who  are  partial  to 
happy  endings  will  be  pained  by  the 
distressing  events  of  the  last  chapter, 
and  I  would  humbly  venture  to  suggest 
whether  the  conclusion  could  not  be 
revised  so  as  to  reunite  Lord  Peto  and 
Blandine.  A  special  feature  of  the 
book  are  the  all  too  brief  gems  of  poetry 
with  which  the  narrative  is  so  richly 
interlarded.  These  strike  me  as  being 
of  remarkable  if  not  unique  ability. 
HERBEBT  JELLICOE." 


Why  should  Mr.  THOMAS  HAEDY  writ* 
in  the  first  person  plural,  as  if  he  wer< 
a  king,  and  speak  of  his  firm;  and  wha 
on  earth  does  he  mean  by  the  patronagf 
he  has  enjoyed  from  Peter  and  Peter's 
family  ?  And  why,  oh  why  should  h 
hand  over  the  MS.  of  my  novel  to 

our  Mr.  Jellicoe"  and  send  me  Mr 
Jellicoe's  extraordinary  report,  compar 
ing  me  to  MARIE  COBELLI  ?  Unluckily 
as  I  had  a  headache  this  morning  anc 
did  not  come  down  to  breakfast,  I  shal 
have  to  wait  till  the  evening  for  sue! 
light  as  Peter  can  throw  on  the  situa 
tion.  The  more  I  think  of  it  the  mon 
puzzled  I  become.  And  in  this  racking 
suspense  I  have  to  order  dinner  anc 
give  Lilith  her  lesson.  The  child  lend 
herself  remarkably  to  decorative  treat 
ment,  but  I  fear  there  is  an  ineradicabl 
vein  of  banality  in  her  nature.  When 
I  asked  her  the  other  day  what  sh 


.ked  most  in    the  world   she  replied, 
without  a  moment's  hesitation,  "Bacon 
uice,"  a  remark  worthy  of  Peter  at  his 
vorst.     Her  great  ambition  is  to  be  a 
ircus  rider,  and  she  picks  up  all  the 
vorst    tunes    with    astonishing    ease, 
lowever,  much  may  be  done  by  en- 
vironment   and    persuasion.     Still,    I 
idmit  that  an  unfaltering  observance 
f    the    golden    rule    of    Mrs.   Goole, 
Never  correct,  contradict  or  chastise 
child,"  is  at  times  difficult.     Peter 
lolds  quite  different  views  and,  when 
'.  repeated  this  to  him,  said,  "  You  '11 
jhange   your   mind    some   day.      The 
golden  rule  of  Peter  Brandon  is  much 
>etter : 

'To  cure  a  naughty  little  nipper 
Correct  him  freely  wit  h  a  slipper.'" 

rlowever,  I  am  bound  to  say  he  has 
never  attempted  to  carry  out  this  cruel 
n-ecept  at  Lilith's  expense,  though 
,here  are  moments  when  I  almost 
wish — 

In  the  afternoon  I  dictated  aphorisms 
o  Miss  Peveril  as  an  antidote  to 
my  impatience.  One  struck  me  as 
seculiarily  happy  :  "  The  possession 
of  a  conscience  is  the  worst  infirmity 
of  genius." 

It  is  years  since  I  so  longed  to  see 
Peter  as  I  did  this  afternoon.  Agsoon 
as  he  had  arrived  I  showed  him  the 
letter  and  demanded  an  explanation. 
I  recalled  the  circumstances ;  how  I 
had  asked  him  if  he  knew  Mr.  THOMAS 
HARDY'S  address  and  how  he  said,  "  Of 
course  I  do,"  and  undertook  to  fill  it  in 
and  post  the  latter  and  package  to  him. 
Imagine  my  disgust  when,  instead  of 
giving  me  a  sensible  answer,  he  went 
into  fits  of  horrid,  loud,  snorting 
laughter.  At  last,  when  he  had  re- 
covered himself  sufficiently,  he  said  in 
a  faint  voice  :  "  Thomas  Hardy  is  my 
saddler.  I  had  just  been  sending  him 
an  order  myself,  and  you  never  told  me 
what  you  wanted  to  write  to  him  about, 
or  of  course  I  should  have  never  sent 
off  the  letter.  But  anyhow,  the  old 
man  and  '  our  Mr.  Jellicoe '  have  played 
up  splendidly.  You'll  never  get  a 
better  report  from  the  real  Simon 
Pure." 

"The  Prime  Minister  has  appointed  Mr. 
Maurice  Bonham  Carter  to  be  liis  Private 
Secretary  in  the  place  of  Mr.  Meiklcjohn. 

The  Prime  Minister  has  appointed  Mr.  F.  W. 
Leith  Ross,  of  the  Treasury,  to  be  his  Private 
Secretary  in  the  place  of  Mr.  Bonham  Carter." 
- — Morning  Post. 

It  must  be  more  of  a  permanency  than 
that  before  we  apply. 


Glimpses  of  the   Obvious. 

' '  Kot  many  counties  have  as  their  first-change 
bowlers  the  two  at  the  head  of  the  county  aver- 
ages. " — Manchester  Guardian. 

Not  more  than  five  or  six,  anyhow. 


"  CASABIANCA  " ; 

OB,  THE  BOY  WHO  "STOOD  ON  THE  BURNING  DECK." 

LORD  LANSDOWNE  (observing  the  altitude  of  some  of  the  Unionist  Press).  "  WELL,    I  'VE    SAVED    MY 
PACE;     AND   NOW  PEEHAPS  I'D  BETTER  SAVE  THE  EEST  OF  ME." 


JULY  19,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


49 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  TODY,  M.P.) 

House  o/  Commons,  Monday,  July  10. 
— Reorganisation  of  Unionist  Party 
been  watched  with  keen  interest  from 
both  political  camps.  One  result  has 
been  to  place  STEEL  -  MAITLAND  in 
charge  of  electoral  affairs  outside  House. 
Expected  of  him  that  he  shall  rival 
the  triumphs  of  CABNOT,  Organiser  of 
Victory  in  stormy  days  of  French  Revo- 
lution. Assurance  on  this  head  clinched 
by  little  incident  in  to-day's  proceed- 
ings. What  our  young  CARNOT  (from 
Birmingham)  has  to  face  is  the  incon- 
siderate stability  of  Ministerial  major- 
ity. Whilst — certainly  as  long  as  Veto 
Bill  tarries  on  its  way  to  the  Statute- 
book — its  phalanx  remains  unbroken 
in  Commons,  by-elections,  whether  in 
borough  or  county,  fail  to  reduce  it. 
This  the  more  provoking  as  in  accord- 
ance with  regular  custom  a  sweeping 
majority  gained  at  a  general  election  is 
invariably  forthwith  subjected  to  pro- 
cess of  frittering  away  at  by-elections. 

Recognising  this  difficulty,  our  CAB- 
NOT  in  a  flash  of  genius  saw  way  of,  at 
least  apparently,  redressing  the  balance. 
Though  plural  voting  is  for  the  nonce 
parmitted  at  Parliamentary  elections  it 
is  not  possible  to  return  two  Members 
to  represent  a  one-man  constituency. 
But  there  is  no  rule  against  bringing 
in  as  a  member  of  the  minority  a  man 
who,  alike  in  height  and  weight,  shall 
be  equal  to  any  couple  (bar  one)  on 
Ministerial  side.  A  student  of  parlia- 
mentary history,  CABNOT  remembers 
how  to  House  elected  in  1874  came 
MAJOR  O'GORMAN,  a  man  of  elephantine 
girth  and  pyramidal  height,  who, 
whilst  holding  only  one  seat  in  Ireland, 
occupied  two  below  the  Gangway  in 


A    TITAN   FROM    KENT. 
Mr.  RONALD  McNEiLL  advances  up  the  floor  of  the  House 


to  take  the  oath.     Lest  hii 


unobtrusive  appearance  should  escape  the  eye  of  the  SPEAKER  he  was  escorted  by  Mr.  WALTEB 
LONG  and  Lord  BALCARRES. 


the  House  of  Commons.  As  hapless 
Members  on  either  side  of  him  dis- 
covered, howsoever  crowded  the  bench 
might  be,  the  MAJOR  always  had  his 
way.  When  he  sat  down  he  cleared 
space  for  two. 

This  House  of  Commons  legend  may 
have  given  CARNOT  a  tip.  On  the 
contrary  the  brilliant  idea  may  have 
been  entirely  his  own.  However  it  be 
the  result  surpassed  expectation.  A 
vacancy  occurring  in  the  St.  Augustine's 
division,  owing  to  AKERS-DOUGLAS  going 
to  the  Lords  to  keep  up  ACLAND-HOOD'S 
drooping  spirits,  CAHNOT  searched 
Home  Counties  for  their  biggest  man 
to  stand  as  candidate  for  a  safe  seat. 
Found  him  in  RONALD  McNEiLL. 

Profound  sensation  when  new  Mem- 
ber, escorted  by  WALTER  LONG  and  Lord 
BALCAREES,  walked  up  floor  of  House 
to  take  the  oath.  There  was  in  this 
emotion  something  akin  to  the  keen 
delight  a  small  boy  feels  on  casually 


encountering  a  giant  crossing  the  vill- 
age green,  and  being  permitted  to  gaze 
upon  him  without  preliminary  payment 
of  a  penny  at  gateway  of  the  show. 
Avoiding  unnecessary  tendency  to  con- 
tradiction, one  may  say  that  WALTER 


stonian  Liberal.  After  cautiously 
making  experiments  and  finding  that 
their  united  weight  disposed  on  one 
side  of  the  Chamber  did  not  affect  its 
stability,  CATHCABT  crossed  over  and 
permanently  ranged  himself  under  the 


LONG   is   not   short.      The   still   svelt  j  Liberal  flag.      In  view  of  possible  con- 

f*  *      -r-»  -       * 


figure  of  BALCAUBES  rises  to  the  full 
height  of  average  man.  Nevertheless, 
as  they  walked  up  the  floor  on  either 
side  of  the  new  Member  they  re- 
called memories  of  Gulliver  in  Lilli- 
put  standing  between  His  Majesty 
the  Emperor  and  the  Lord  High 
Treasurer,  watching  the  military  man- 
oeuvres outside  the  imperial  capital. 
The  couple  barred  in  an  earlier 


sequences  to  a  structure  however  firmly 
fashioned,  they  never  occupy  the  same 
bench  at  the  same  time. 

This  afternoon,  at  the  moment  when 
the  new  Kentish  Member  slowly  but 
surely,  like  a  P.  and  0.  liner  in  process 
of  docking,  surged  towards  the  table, 


the  Brethren   were  discovered  seated 
below  the  other  at  corner   seats 
No 


one 
above 


the     Gangway. 


word 


sentence  are,  of  cours?,  the  Bounding  passed    between    them.    But  it    was 


Brothers  of  Clackmannan  and  Orkney 
— EUGENE  and  CATHCART  WASON.  It 
is  remarkable  testimony  to  their  con- 
sideration of  others  less  favoured  by 
generous  nature  that  when  they  first 
intered  the  House  they  arranged  to 
sit  on  opposite  sides,  CATHCART  as 
a  Liberal  Unionist,  EUGENE  a  Glad- 


pretty  to  see  CATHCABT  turn  round 
and  gaze  sadly  in  his  brother's  face,  an 
eloquent  glance  responded  to  by  a 
sickly  smile. 

So,  as  SARK  puts  it,  does  a  prima 
donna  of  yesteryear  look  on  from  her 
box  when  a  debutante  of  unquestion- 
able supremacy  steps  on  to  the  stage. 


50 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEI. 


[JULY  19,  1911. 


Business  done. — In  Committee  on 
Insurance  Bill. 

Tuesday. — Gazette,  published  to-day, 
discloses  subtle  strategic  movement  by 
Lord  EOSEBERY  designed  to  hamper 
Government.  If,  after  all,  they  are 
driven  to  make  500  new  Peers  difficulty 
will  arise  in  providing  titles.  The 
more  appropriated  in  advance  the 
fewer  will  remain.  Q.E.D.  That  EOSE- 
BEBY  on  promotion  to  new  Earldom  had 
assumed  his  county  name,  Midlothian, 
everybody  knew.  Turns  out  that  he  is 
not  one  new  peer,  but  three.  The  addi- 
tions gazetted  are,  Lord  EPSOM  of 
Epsom,  in  the  county  of  Surrey ;  Vis- 
count MENTMORE  of  Mentmore,  in  the 
county  of  Buckingham  ;  and  Earl  of 
MIDLOTHIAN. 

To  one  who  wears  the  triple  crown 
of  Statesman,  Orator  and  Author,  a 
peerage  more  or  less  is  naught.  Any- 


how    the     Ex-Premier, 
Orator,  the  biographer  }- 
of  PITT  and  CHATHAM, 
will     continue     to    be 
known   by  the   people 
as  Lord  EOSEBEHY 

CHARLES  M'LAEEN, 
an  old  Parliamentary 
Hand,  will  be  welcomed 
back  at  Westminster  as 
Lord  ABERCONWAY.  A 
picturesque  title  that 
has  more  in  it  than 
meets  the  eye.  Dr. 
FAR^UHARSON,  a  propos 
of  a  stage  in  his  Access 
to  Mountains  Bill,  once 
startled  the  House  by 
the  casual  remark,  "I 
own  a  mountain." 
Through  M'LAREN's 


the     Public 


of,  the  thin  black  line  rises  and  glides 
forth  as  silently  and  as  swiftly  as  it 
entered. 

This  afternoon  the  line  was  headed 
by  a  stately  figure  robed  in  jacket  of 
daintily  hued  yellow  glistening  with 
silver  braid.  Loose  white  trousers 
garbed  his  legs.  A  plumed  turban  of 
spotless  white  was  wound  about  his 
swarthy  countenance.  Seating  him- 
self at  head  of  bench,  he  crossed  one 
leg  over  the  other  with  flexibility  of 
limb  suggesting  that  in  other  climes 
he  is  accustomed  to  sit  cross-legged  on 
a  downy  cushion. 

Links  in  the  thin  black  lino  regarded 
the  stranger  with  puzzled  countenances, 
not  free  from  anxiety.  What  might 
this  incursion  portend?  Was  it  fresh 
evidence  of  pernicious  influence  of  Free 
Trade,  which  threw  open  all  honest 
businesses  to  competition  of  foreigner  ? 
Was  there  nothing  sacred  to  this 


"Mr  DEAR, 

GET   'OME." 


AN    ECHO   OF  THE   SEAMEN'S   STRIKE. 

SEiiroSE  NOW  'E  wos  TO  GO  ox  STRIKE  SUDDENLY  ;    WE  'D  NEVER 


Denbighshire  estate  runs  a  fine  stretch 
of  the  Conway  river.  Hence  Aber- 
conway. 

Sir  JAMES  LYLE  MACKAY  conceals  a 
name  honoured  equally  in  India  and 
at  home  under  the  sonorous  title,  Lord 
INCHCAPE  OF  STRATHNAVER. 

The  MEMBER  FOR  SARK  (still  with  us 
in  the  Commons)  says  he  has  often 
heard  of  somebody  being  given  an  inch 
and  taking  an  ell.  Nsver  of  a  man  who, 
given  an  INCH,  took  a  CAPE.  So  like 
these  Scotchmen. 

Business  done. — Lords  take  Veto 
Bill  in  hand  on  Eeport  Stage 

Thursday. — Every  day  when  House 
of  Commons  meets  there  is  a  little 
scene  unrecorded  in  the  papers. 
Immediately  after  prayers  SPEAKER 
calls  on  Private  Business.  Thereupon, 
from  steps  leading  to  Distinguished 
Strangers'  Gallery,  there  emerges  thin 
black  line  which,  swiftly  moving,  fLls 
back  bench.  These  are  the  solicitors 
and  agents  concerned  for  Private 
Bills.  As  soon  as  they  are  disposed 


Sapeur,  not  even  the  profession  of 
parliamentary  agent  ? 

Hastily  looking  down  list  of  Private 
Bills  awaiting  consideration  they  read : 
Chapel  Whaley  and  District  Gas  Bill ; 
Winchester  Corporation  (Electric  Sup- 
ply) ;  Star  Life  Assurance  Society  Bill ; 
Newcastle-upon-Tyne  Corporation  Bill ; 
Saint  Mary,  Radcliffe,  Eectory  Bill; 
Merthyr  Tydfil  Corporation  Water  Bill. 
For  which  of  these  was  the  intruder 
retained  ?  Considering  his  glittering 
adornment  the  Star  Life  seemed  most 
appropriate.  None  liked  to  ask  a 
question,  being  apprehensive  that  if 
answer  were  given  the  tongue  might 
be  unfamiliar. 

Hurriedly  withdrawing  when  private 
business  was  dispatched  they  found  on 
consulting  messenger  in  charge  of  the 
gallery  that  the  stranger  was  none 
other  than  MULIK  UMAR  HYAT  KHAN, 
from  distant  Ind,  who,  introduced  by 
UNDER-SECRETARY  FOR  STATE  FOR 
INDIA,  had  accidentally  strayed  on  to 
wrong  bench. 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

NEAKING  THE  END. 

Park  Lane. 
DEAREST  DAPHNE, — People  seem  to 
think  that  the  slum  wid  drang  of  this 
season  are  unmatched  even  in  the 
memory  of  that  insufferable  creature, 
the  oldest  inhabitant.  The  fighting 
for  dates,  of  itself,  has  been  enough  to 
turn  one's  hair  grey,  and  has  led  to 
what  politicians  call  strained  relations 
in  all  quarters.  Both  as  hostess  and 
as  guest  your  own  poor  Blanche  has 
suffered.  When  people  want  you  at 
twelve  parties  on  the  same  night  and 
simply  insist  on  having  you,  what  are 
you  to  do  ?  Then  Beryl  and  Babs 
and  I  always  seem  to  hit  on  the  same 
date  for  our  big  dances.  We  asked, 
of  course,  much  about  the  same  crowd, 
and  while  they  only  looked  in  at 
Beryl's  and  Babs'  parties,  they  came 
on  to  mine  and  stayed 
the  rest  of  the  night 
(I  own  I  'd  some  special 
attractions  in  the  shape 
of  cocoanut  shies  and 
boat  swings  in  the 
garden).  B.  and  B. 
were  simply  furious. 
In  old  times,  I  suppose 
this  sort  of  thing  would 
have  ended  in  duels,  but 
nowadays  we  content 
ourselves  with  saying 
a  few  things  to  each 
other — and  then  a  few 
more  things.  Wee- 
Wee,  with  an  eye  to 
the  future,  had  tried 
the  previous  '  dodge, 
and  invited  people  last 
October  for  June.  But  this  didn't  do 
either,  for  by  the  time  June  came 
she  'd  quarrelled  with  quite  half  of 
them  and  ceased  to  know  them. 

The  popular  dancing-man,  as  you 
may  imagine,  has  been  more  than 
ever  master  of  the  situation  and  has 
used  his  power  ruthlessly.  Special 
inducements  have  been  held  out  to 
him  in  the  way  of  supper  and  wines, 
and  he  has  also  been  allowed  to 
smoke  in  the  dancing-room  and  to  say 
whatever  he  pleased  to  his  debutante 
partners;  and  tell  it  not  in  Gath,  my 
dear,  but  certain  "  new  "  hostesses  have 
been  enclosing  big  cheques  with  their 
invitations,  in  order  to  secure  him. 
Indeed,  I  have  it  on  the  best  authority 
that  to  be  a  well-known  and  popular 
dancing-man  at  parties  this  summer  is 
almost  as  paying  a  thing  as  to  be  a 
Eussian  leaping  about  with  a  bow  and 
arrow  at  the  Magnificent. 

While  the  streets  were  so  crowded 
of  an  evening,  "  mobbing  "  was  quite 
a  little  rage.  We  sent  out  cards  with 


LONDON   CHARIVARI 


HIS    MONEY'S    WORTH. 

t'oicc  Mnnd.   "LEAVE  IT,  PLEASE!  LEAVE  IT!" 

Player.   "LEAVE  IT  DE  HANGED!     I  DOK'T  PAY  A  THUNDERING  me.  sruscniraox  TO  LEAVE  IT." 


"Come  and  dins  and  mob,"  and  after 
dinner  we  covered  up  our  pretty- 
pretties  with  dark  mantles,  and  went 
an  foot  in  a  compact  party  into  all 
the  mobbiest  parts.  My  dear,  it  was 
simply  squeaky !  Josiah,  being  a 
don'ter,  disapproved,  of  course,  but 
tSforty  and  Billy  and  Piggy  and  Lulu 
;ook  care  of  us,  and  we  pushed  among 
ces  aulres  for  all  we  were  worth. 
Norty  taught  me  to  say,  "  Nah,  then, 
oo  are  yer  shovin'  of?"  when  the 
crush  got  pretty  bad,  and  I  kept  on 
saying  it  a  merveille,  till  at  last,  outside 
some  illuminated  place  of  amusement 
— a  bank,  or  a  theatre,  or  the  City 
Cemple  or  something— I  found  myself 
engaged  in  a  gentle  and  joyous  passage- 
of-arms  with  a  female,  who  replied  to 
my  "  Nah,  then,  oo  are  yer  shovin' 
if  ?  "  with  a  hard  push  and  "  Garn  !  j 
?hink  the  whole  bloomin'  show  was  } 
meant  for  you  ?  Me  and  my  bloke  has  j 
is  bloomin'  good  right  here  as  you  and 
'ours  !  "  I  was  in  a  state  of  sheer  joy. 
'd  got  a  thrill  at  last.  Here  I  was, 
laving  a  lovely  little  row  with  one  of 
hose  delicious  donah-creatures  I've 
leard  of.  "Don't  you  interfere,"  I 
vhispered  to  Norty.  "This  is  my 
how."  "  Nonsense !  "  he  said,  trying 
o  get  me  away.  "  Mayfair  's  no  match 


shrieked  at  her  down  or  along  every 
possible  contrivance  for  making  the 
deaf  hear.  At  last,  however,  she 
passed  out  of  reach  of  everything  but 
pencil  and  paper. 


At  calling  time  she 
a 


for  Mile  End."  "  Isn't  it !  "  I  whispered 
back.  "  Wait  and  see !  "  And  then, 
my  dearest,  imagine  my  horrible  dis- 
appointment when  the  "  donah  "  and 
her  "  bloke "  turned  out  to  bo  Bosh 

-\TT  *•   ~ —  —  --    — "  w      j  •  .1  j  *•     i   .  .  i  u     i^tL  1 1 1  1 1 

and  Wee- Wee !!— out,  like  ourselves,  sat  ready  for  the  fray  with  a  pile  cf 
mobbing.  That  silly  We3-  Wee  actually  i  slips  of  paper  and  a  heap  of  pencils, 
had  en  the  Tresyllyan  topazes  under  ,  and  the  conversation  was  earned  on  by 
her  cloak,  and  in  a  frantic  squash  in  a  I  means  of  one  tongue  and  one  or  more 
place  that  Norty  told  me  was  Cornhill  pencils.  As  the  poor  old  dear  has 
Wee-Wee's  cloak  was  torn  and  her 
necklace  stolen !  Comes  of  going 
among  the  submerged  tenth,  you  say '! 
Well,  I  don't  know,  my  Daphne.  As 


always  been  simply  avid  of  news  (of 
the  p3rsonal  kind.'wi'th  more  than  a 
dash  of  scandal  for  choice)  and  has 
b3en  in  the  habit  of  saving  the  written 


Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW  says,  you  never  can  '  slips,  it  follows  that  she  'd  a  pretty 
tell.  Mobbing  's  been  very  much  done, '  inflammable  and  dangerous  collection 
and  I  have  heard  that  Popsy  Lady  |  And  now  it  seems  that  her  maid  and 
Bamsgate  was  seen  the  other  night  j  butler  have  been  regularly  disposing  ol 
in  the  casino  at  Villedejoie-sur-Mer ,  the  conversation  -  slips  to  West -End 
wearing  a  necklace  frightfully  like  }VJtispcrs.  Half-a-score  of  libel  suits 


Wee-Wes's! 


are  in  the  air,  and  old  Humguftin  has 


Old   Lady  Humguffin's  deafness   is  gone  off  to  Harrogate  for  a  cure ! 

• 1     _  _  1   -I      p  .       1     *  -I  l  tl       ° 


having  what  old-fashioned  people  call 
far-reaching  results.  For  ages  she 's 
been  in  the  enviable  state  of  being  able 
to  say  the  most  horribly  disagreeable 
things  and  baing  quite  beyond  the  reach 
of  retort  or  contradiction.  But  as 
she 's  third  cousin  or  first  aunt  onse 
removed  to  almost  everybody  and  is 


Ever  thine,        BLANCHE. 


"Designed  by  famous  architects,  and  decorated 
by  celebrated  artiste,  we  can  to-day  form  n<> 
impression  of  the  dazzling  magnificence  amid 
which  the  splendid  masters  of  the  world  per- 
formed their  daily  ablutions." — Globe. 


simply  rolling  she  's  always  had  plenty  I  The  fact  that  the  writer  is  tattooed  is 
of  callers,  and  people  have  perseveringly !  interesting  but  hardly  relevant. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  19,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

MK.  W.  L.  COURTNEY  is  a  writer  of  such  varied  activities 
that  I  have  long  ceased  to  be  astonished  at  his  appearance 
in  any  new  aspect.  His  latest  mood  is  that  of  the  analyst 
of  sentiment,  and  the  book  which  it  has  produced  is  called 
In  Search  of  Egeria  (CHAPMAN  AND  HALL),  to  which  the 
author  adds  as  a  sub-title,  Episodes  in  the  Life  of  Maurice 
Wcsterton.  This  explains  the  nature  of  the  work  in  a  few 
words  better  than  I  could  do  it  for  you  in  many.  Maurice 

whom  his  creator  calls  "  a  baffled  and  disconsolate  Numa 

in  perpetual  search  for  his  Egeria  " — is  really  something  of 
an  English  Anatol,  an  emo- 
tional philanderer.  The  hook 
is  a  record  of  the  various 
heart-adventures  into  which 
his  temperament  leads  the 
hero,  this  same  temperament 
being  itself  very  skilfully  ex- 
posed for  the  reader  in  the 
process.  The  episodes  are 

not  short  stories,  any  more 
than  the  whole  book  is  a 

novel  in  the  accepted  sense 

of  the  term  ;  slight  sketches, 

rather,    of    Maurice   in    his 

relations  with  his  different 

loves,    done    in    a    manner 

which    is    really    far    more 

attractive  than  the  matter  of 

which  they  treat.  A  heavy- 
handed  chronicler  would  cer- 
tainly have  made  Maurice 

an  unmitigated  bore;    it  is 

no  small  tribute  to  the  art 

of  Mr.  COURTNEY  that   one 

can    follow    the    gentleman 

from  fair  to  fair,  the  opera- 
singer,  the  rector's  daughter, 

the  poetess  and  the  rest  of 

them,     with      undiminished 

enjoyment.     Finally,  with  a 

touch  almost  of  malice,  the 

author    shows    us  Maurice, 

that    epicure    of     emotions, 

married  to  a  wholly  com- 
monplace and '  somewhat 

tyrannically     inclined    wife, 


THE  DULL  DRESS  OF  MODERN  MAN. 


whose  name  happens  actually  to  he  Egeria ;  and  thus  ends 
a  pleasant  and  distinguished  book,  which  the  general 
public  will  probably  avoid  and  the  few  find  delightful. 

Of  King  Edward  VII.  as  a  Sportsman  (LONGMANS)  I  can 
think  of  nothing  that  is  not  good  to  say.  It  is  a  fine  record 
of  a  fine  series  of  achievements  on  moor  and  forest,  on  the 
sea,  in  the  covert,  in  the  jungle,  and  on  the  turf.  Hardy, 
bravo,  unselfish,  keen  to  excel  and  win,  but  generous-minded 
and  philosophic  in  defeat,  KING  GEORGE'S  father  had  all  the 
qualities  of  temperament  without  which  the  skill  of  hand 
and  eye,  which  were  also  his,  are  of  little  account, 
f  you  have  forgotten  how  completely  he  made  himself 
one  with  the  favourite  national  pursuits  of  his  people, 
glance  at  the  titles  under  the  hundred  -  and  -  one  plates 
and  photographs  in  Mr.  A.  E.  T.  WATSON'S  welcome  book 
•"Persimmon  winning  the  Derby,"  "Ambush  II.  over 
the  last  fence  in  the  Grand  National,"  "Britannia 
racing  at  Cowes,"  "The  Prince  of  Wales  in  the  Nepal 


Terai  chased  by  a  wild  elephant,"  "  The  Prince's  ele- 
phant charged  by  a  tiger,"  and  so  on  through  every 
chapter.  It  is  a  record  that  the  most  sporting  and  daring 
Englishman  would  be  proud  to  equal.  In  1896,  when 
:  Persimmon  won  the  Derby,  tho  St.  Leger,  and  the  Jockey 
|  Club  Stakes  at  Newmarket,  and  Thai's  the  One  Thousand 
Guineas,  the  stakes  earned  by  his  horses  totalled  over 
£26,000;  and  in  1900,  when  Diamond  Jubilee  carried  off 
the  Two  Thousand  Guineas,  the  Newmarket  Stakes,  the 
Derby,  the  Eclipse  Stakes  and  the  St.  Leger,  about 
£5,000  more — two  very  pretty  dishes  to  set  before  a  king; 
yet  he  was  not  of  the  kind  to  sit  in  his  counting-house' 
counting  out  his  money.  It  was  the  sport  that  he  cared 
for,  and,  though  uneasy  lies  the  head  that  owns  a  possible 

Derby  winner,  he  enjoyed 
every  moment  of  it  all.  And 
he  never  shirked  his  duty 
for  his  pleasure.  He  was  a 
king  first  and  a  sportsman — 
a  prince  of  sportsmen — after- 
wards, and  we  all  loved  him 
for  it. 

Nonsense  Novels .  (LANE) 
— a  burlesque  by  STEPHEN 
LEACOCK  of  the  different 
types  of  magazine  story — 
is  a  book  to  read  either 
aloud  or  in  solitude.  It  can- 
not be  taken  silently  in  com- 
pany, for  at  regular  intervals 
you  will  burst  into  a  sudden 
laugh  and  feel  called  upon 
to  explain  yourself  to  your 
startled  neighbours.  You 
would,  for  instance,  have  to 
quote  the  bit  where  Gertrude 
the  Governess  arrived  at  the 
Earl's  beautiful  country  seat 
1  and  "  passed  through  a  pha- 
lanx of  liveried  servants 
drawn  up  seven  deep,  to  each 
of  whom  she  gave  a  sover- 
eign. '  Welcome,"  said  the 
Countess,  as  she  aided  Ger- 
trude to  carry  her  trunk 
upstairs."  And  the  bit  about 
Hczekiah  Hayloft  looking  for 
work  in  the  cruel  city  of 
New  York.  "  '  Can  you  write 
shorthand '?  '  they  said.  '  No,"  said  the  boy  in  homespun, 
'  but  I  can  try.'"  And  how  Whangus  McWliinus  waited 
for  Shamus  McShamus  in  the  hollow  of  the  Glen  road  and 
shot  him  through  the  bagpipes.  At  its  best  the  delightful 
spontaneity  of  the  humour  of  Mr.  LEACOCK  (who  is  a 
Professor  of  Political  Economy  at  McGill  University)  gives 
one  the  impression  that  he  dashes  off  this  sort  of  thing 
in  a  moment  of  exuberance  between  his  lectures.  This 
impression  is  increased  by  the  obvious  fact  that  the  author 
is  not  very  critical  of  himself.  There  is  genuine  gold  here 
on  every  page,  but  I  do  not  feel  quite  sure  that  Mr. 
LEACOCK  knows  when  he  has  come  to  it.  But  genius  has 
suffered  from  this  weakness  before  now.  There  was  the 
case  of  WORDSWORTH,  for  example. 


"Bosmead  was  perfectly  happy.      He  loved  this  woman  with  a  great 
and  growling  lave.—feopie's  Friend. 

How  many  wives  know  this  sort  of  love. 


1841  — 1850. 

R.  PUNCH,  as  all  the  world  knows,  was  born  on 
July  17,  1841.  Like  all  clever  babies  he  began  to  sit 
up  and  take  notice  at  once,  and  he  has  been  taking 
notice  ever  since,  and  now  that  his  years  number  seventy 
and  find  him  still  younger  than  ever,  it  amuses  him  to 
celebrate  his  attainment  of  the  allotted  span  of  man  (but 
not  of  jesters)  by  reviewing  his  career  as  a  noticer,  particu- 
larly of  the  modes,  manners  and  social  movements  of  his 
long  and  merry  life. 

His  foresight  developed  rapidly.  In  1843,  when  he  was 
only  a  two-year-old,  he  had  prevision  enough  to  perceive 
the  flying  machine  of  the  next  century.  But  that  is  not  all. 
Four  years  later,  when  he  was  an  infant  phenomenon  of 
six,  we  find  him  pourtraying  a  taxi-cab — the  "  Patent  Mile 
Index" * — and  reporting,  or  preporting,  accurately  a  dialogue 
destined  to  be  a  common  occurrence  of  the  streets  in  his  yoth 
year.  These  are  flashes  of  inspiration. 


Among  the  purely  historical  records  of  his  first  decade 
Mr.  Punch  shows  us  ladies  in  turbans  and  gentlemen 
in  strapped  trousers ;  he  shows  us  that  affairs  of  honour 
still  came  off  in  the  suburbs  of  London  just  as  they  do  to-day 
under  the  Eiffel  Tower ;  he  marks  the  introduction  of  the 
polka  (in  1844)  and  illustrates  the  beginnings  of  the  expan- 
sion of  woman's  life  in  his  suggestion  for  their  participation 
in  farming  and  sport,  and  (in  1849)  in  tobacco,  for  it  would 
probably  be  hard  to  find  an  earlier  cheroot  between  female 
fingers  than  the  one  in  Leech's  drawing  of  that  year. 

Among  the  relics  of  the  past  now  wholly  gone  but  pre- 
served in  his  signally  anti-septic  pages  we  find  the  Jack-in- 
the-Green  of  the  ist  of  May,  the  old  hood  to  the  bathing- 
machines,  the  high  pews  of  the  coffee-houses,  and  the  high 
hats  of  the  cricketers  at  Lord's. 

Lastly,  let  it  be  noted  that  Mr.  Punch's  illustrious  knight, 
Sir  John  Tenniel,  still  happily  hale  although  twenty  and 
more  years  older  than  his  master,  made  his  first  drawing 
for  the  paper  in  the  number  dated  November  30,  1850. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 


PREPARATION. 


DECORATION. 


REALISATION. 


TERMINATION. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


INDIA  IN  TWO  HOURS  !  ! — PUNCH'S  AUKIAL  COURIER,  Tim  GULL  ! 


A.  The  main   suspenders,  of  a  peculiarly  light   nature,  being   entirely   formed 

of    numbers  of    PUNCH,  coupling   power  with  volatility. 

B.  The  engine-room,  in  which  are  contained   the  principal  steam-works. 

C.  The  propellers,  or  fantail  revolvers,  making  10  OOD  revolutions  per  minute, 

and  fashioned  like  the  sails  of  the  w  ndmill  in  common  use. 

D.  The   chimney,    for   making  a  current   of  air  in   the   fireplace,  and  carrying 

away  the  smoke. 

E.  The  saloon,  provided  with   tvery  comfort  and  luxury,  from  piano-fortes  to 

-bottled  -portfT,  fitted  up  to  represent  a  castle   in  the  air,  with  gossamer 
couches  and  cobweb  tapestries. 

F.  The  promenade  in  fine  weather,  filled  with  company,  and  enlivened  by  a  band. 


G. 


The  ballast-box  and  wine-cellar.  Arrangements  have  been  made  with  th« 
Society  for  tlie  Diffusion  of  Useful  Know  ledge  to  buy  til  their  heavy 
back  stork,  for  ballast. 

II.     The  figure  head,  being  a  colossal  likeness  of  Mr.  PUNCH. 

1.  Three  gigantic  peacocks'  feathers  of  sheet  brass  to  act  as  a  rudder,  with 
immense  power. 

K.  Two  grapncU,  for  the  double  purpose  of  assisting  the  descent  of  the  courier 
and  clutching  hold  of  anything  on  the  journey  worth  taking.  It  is  calcu- 
lated that  a  few  statues,  ships,  ami  object*  of  art  and  value  may  be  grabbed 
every  voyage  by  thoe  means,  sufficient  to  pay  for  the  fuel,  which  will  be 
entirety  farmed  of  ancient  inhabitants  of  Memphis,  who  burn  beautifully. 

I*      The  smoke. 

M.     Barracks  for  troop;,  and  stores  f  •  r  ammunition. 


"  AIN'T  IT  PRIME,  BILL,  BF.INO  OUT  o'  NIGHTS?"    "  I  BELIEVE  VER  ; 
'SPECIALLY  WHEN  HIE  GOV'NORS  DON'T  KNOW  ANYTHING  ABOUT  IT." 


Enter  Captain  Percussion.    "  HERE  I  AM,  OLD  FELLOW— ALL  RIGHT 

SIX   TO-MOHROW   MORNING—  \VlMIILF.DON— BROUGHT  THE  DARKKRS- 

COME    TO    KEEP    YOU    COMPANY    AND    SCEAPK    SOME    LINT    IN    CASE 
ACCIDENTS,  AS  IT'b  YOUR  FIRST  DUEL." 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911, 


FASHIONS  FOR  1844. 


l:AKMIN(i  FOR  LADIES. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


"DE  QUSTIBUS,"   &c  ,  &c. 

Snip.    "THAT'S   A   SWEET  THING  FOR   A   WAISTCOAT,   SIR,   AN» 

WOULD   LOOK   UNCOMMON    WELL   UPON    YOU,    SlR." 


FASHIONS  FOR  1845. 
'  A  PIN  FOR  YOUR  SCARF,  SIR?    HERE'S  AN  ARTICLE  WE  HAVE  Soi.» 

A  GREAT   MANY   OF." 


SPORTING   FOR   LADIES. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


HYDE    J'ARK    AS    IT    WILL    BE 


CONVERSAZIONE    OF    LADIES. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


THE    PATENT   MILE    INDEX   CAB. 

Fare.    "  HAI.I.O,  DRIVER  !     HERE  !     I  HAVE  ONLY  GONE  FROM  ST.  PAUL'S  TO  FLEET  STREET,  AND  THE  DIAL  POINTS  TO 
Driver.    "  CAN'T  HELP  IT,  SIR.     You  MUST  PAY  ACCORDIN'." 


THREE  Mil  1  S  I' 


MAY   DAY   FOR  THE  SWEEPS  IN    1847. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 

THE  GREAT  CHARTIST  DEMONSTRATION. 


SPECIAL  CONSTABLE  GOING   ON  DUTY. 

Time — Two  in  the  morning. 

Captain  of  the  Beat.    "  On  !    WE  HAVE  JUST  LOOKED  IN  TO  SAY  THAT  IT  is  YOUR  TURN  TO  co  ON  DUTY.     Tim 
ROOKERY   AT   THE   BACK   OF   SLAUGHTER'S   ALLEY   is   YOUR  BEAT,  I  BELIEVE.     YOU  WILL  LOSE  NO  TIME,  IF  YOU 

I'LEASE,    FOR    IT'S    A    DREADFUL    NEIGHBOURHOOD,    AND    ALL    Til'-:    POLICE    HAVE    BEEN     WITHDRAWN— INDEED,    SEVERAL 
MOST    BRUTAL    AND    SAVAGE    ATTACKS    HAVE    TAKEN    PLACE    ALREADY!" 


Spcdal  Constable.   "  I  DEC  YOUR  PARDON,  YOUNG  LADIES,  BUT  YOURS  is  A  VERY  DANGEROUS  PROCESSION,  AND  WE  MUST  TAKB 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


AUTUMNAL    FASHIONS  FOR  LADIES. 


MERMAIDS  AT  PLAY. 


,  -.  >  - 


Punch    or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


Y6   WVLD  GOOSE   CHASE   AFTER.* -GOLDEN 

AND  CVSTons .  OF  >*  ENGLYSHE  IN  1849 


CRYKET 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LOXDON  CHARIVARI,  JULY  19,  1911. 


1851  —  1860. 

ITH  1851  we  find  all  the  world  flocking  to  the  Great 
Exhibition,  and  the  establishment  of  those  cookery 
schools  which  were  to  revolutionise  the  British  chop 
but  have  not  too  conspicuously  done  so.  Gold,  so  recently 
attracting  all  the  a^enturers  to  California,  had  now  glit- 
tered also  in  Australia,  and  a  few  bold  ladies  had  gone  into 
a  bifurcated  garment  called  the  Bloomer  (after  the  American 
innovator)  just  as,  nearly  sixty  years  later,  their  more 
intrepid  granddaughters  were  to  go  into  the  Harem 
skirt — for  not  the  least  of  the  instructive  lessons  which  Mr. 
Punch's  seventieth  birthday  number  inculcates  is  this,  that 
there  is  nothing  new  under  the  sun  and  the  rule  of  life  is 
rhythm.  Crinolines,  however,  which  were  flourishing  in  the 
fifties,  have  not  yet  returned,  except  on  the  stage. 

In  1853  table-turning  was  imported  from  America  and  there 
arose  also  a  fashion  for  baby-shows.  The  middle  years 
were  shadowed  by  the  Crimean  War,  followed  by  the  Indian 
Mutiny,  but  the  trivial  life  goes  on  side  by  side  with  the 
tragic,  and  while  the  near  and  far  East  were  under  a  cloud 
London  was  cultivating  the  famous  Dundreary  whiskers, 
named  after  a  character  in  a  play  by  one  of  Mr.  Punch's 
later  editors,  Tom  Taylor.  These  have  not  since  sprouted 
again  to  embellish  or  conceal  the  male  cheek,  but  the 
moustache,  which  was  beginning  to  be  worn  as  rival  to  the 
Dundreary  adornment,  is  still  in  its  reign. 

Contemporary  >vith  the  moustache  movement  was  the 
birth  of  a  controversy  that  still  has  power  to  divide  friends— 
the  great  Shakspeare  and  Bacon  problem,  and  in  1860  the 
world  was  as  much  interested  in  the  fight  between  Sayers 
and  Heenan  as  last  year  in  that  between  Johnson  and 
Jeffries.  For  nothing  essential  alters :  the  drama  is  the 
same;  merely  the  actors  drop  away  and  are  replaced  by 
others. 

In  this  decade  came  two  more  giants  to  Mr.  Punch's  side  : 
Charles  Keene  in  1851  and  George  Du  Maurier  in  1860. 


12 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


THE  GREAT   EXHIBITION,    1851. 


NEW  FASHIONS. 


YOUNG  ENGLAND. 

DOOCED  GRATIFYING,  AIN'T  IT,  CHARLES,  TO  SEE 
SA  MUCH  INDASTRV?" 


You  COULDN'T  HAVE  A  MORE  BECOMING  HAT,  SIR— AND  THEY'LL  BE 

\VORX  A  GREAT  DEAL  AT  THE  OPENING   OF   THE    EXHIBITION." 


TO  BE 
LET 


GONE  INTO 

THE  HAM 
.SANDWICH 

BUSINESS 
NEAR  THE 
EXHIBITION 


FROM  THt 
PRESENT 
OCCUTIER. 


TRADE   DEPRESSION. 

THE  TRADESMAN   AT  THE  WEST  END  is  OBLIGED  TO  GIVE  UP  ins 
TRADE,  AND  BREED  POULTRY, 


THEATRICAL  DEPRESSION. 

Manager.     "  LADIES    AND    GENTLEMEN — A — I     MEAN     RESPECTED 

INDIVIDUAL — IN     CONSEQUENCE     OF     THE     GREAT     ATTRACTION     OF     THE 

EXHIBITION  OR  CRYSTAL  PALACE,  I  BEG  TO  ANNOUNCE  TO  YOU  THAT 

THIS  RIDICULOUS  FARCE  OF  OPENING  MY  THEATRE  WILL  NOT  BE 
REPEATED  ;  AND  YOUR  ORDER  WILL  BE  RETURNED  TO  YOU  ON  APPLI- 
CATION AT  THE  BOX-OFFICE." 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


lk  ftutoj  L 


PREPARATORY  SCHOOL  FOR  YOUNQ  LADIEA. 


PROGRESS  OF  BLOOMERISM. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


WHAT  THE  "BRITISH"    Q    I!NAI>IU«   '3    INEVITABLY 
COMING  TO. 

Some  talk  of  ALEXANDER,  and  some  of  PERICLES, 
Of  HECTOR  and  LVSANDER,  and  such  old  Guys  as  these ; 
But  of  all  the  horrid  objects,  the  wust,  I  do  declare, 
Is  the  Prusso-Russo-Belgo-Gallo-British  Grenadier.. 


SPURIOUS   IMITATION. 

UNMITIGATED  EFFRONTERY  OF  MESSRS.   BROWN  AND  SMITH. 


A    DESIGN    SHOWING    now   THE   PRETTY   HOODS   NOW    WORN 
LADIES  MIGHT  BE  MADE  USEFUL  AS  WELL  AS  ORNAMENTAL. 


Ftora.  -.".THAT'S  *  VERY  PRETTY  WAISTCOAT,  EMILY!" 
Emily.     "  YES,   DEAR.     IT  BELONGS  TO  MY   BROTHER   CHARLE*. 
WHEN  HE  GOES  OUT  OF  TOWN  HE  PUTS  ME  ON  THE  FREE  LIST,  AS 
HE  rjuj.fi  IT.  OR  Hid  WARDROBE.     ISN'T  IT  KIND?" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  I9n. 


SINGULAR  AND  RATHER  ALARMING   EFFECT  PRODUCED    BY  IMPRUDENTLY  TRYINQ  THE   HAT  AND  TABLE-MOVING 

EXPERIMENT. 


THE  COLLAR  MANIA. 

NEAT'  AND    APPROPRIATE  'ORI*AM£&T" 


u  'MAT—A  HINT  TO  MATERPAMILIAS. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


Perceptive  Child.    "  MAMMA,  DEAR  !    WHY  DO  THOSE  GENTLEMEN  DRESS  THEMSELVES  LIKE  THE  FUNNY  LITTLE  MEN  IN  MY  NOAH'S 

ARK?" 


THE  MISSES  WEASEL  THINK  CRINOLINES  A  PREPOSTEROUS  AND  EXTRAVAGANT  INVENTION,  AND  APPEAR  AT  MRS.  ROUNDABOUT'S 

IN    A    SIMPLE    AND    ELEGANT    ATTIRE.      ISfe    tape    ti.} 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  19H. 


THESE  YOUNG  GENTLEMEN  ARK  NOT  INDULGING  IN  THE,  FILTHY 
HABIT  OF  SMOKING.    THEY  ARE  ONLY  CHEWING  TooriincKS,  THB 

COMFORTING   AND   ELEGANT    PRACTICE   NOW    SO   MUCH    IN    VOGUB. 


Alphonso.    "  You  FIND  iou«  MOOSTARCITERS  A  GKLAT  COMFORT. 
ON'T  YOU,  TOM?" 


Tom.  "  WELL  !— YES  !— Bur  I'M  AFRAID  I  MUST  cur  'EM.  FOR  ONE'S 

OBLIGED    TO    DRESS    SO    DOOSED    EXPENSIVE    TO    MAKE    EvtKdlllNO 

ACCORD  I" 


First  Boy.    "  WHAT  DOES  HE  DO  WITH  ALL  THEM  WHISKERS?" 
Sgfond  Boy.    "  WHY,  WHEN  Vs  COT  ENOUGH  OF  'EM,  'E  CUTS 
'KM  OFF  TO  STUFF  'is  HKASY  CHAIR  WITH!" 


"WHY,  FWED  ! — WHAWT*»  TH«  MATTER  WITH  rou«  LEGS?" 
"  WHY.  TOU  SEE,  PEC-TOP  TROUSERS  ARE  GETTING  so  COMMO*. 

I'M  GOING  TO  GIVE  NATURE  A  CliANCE  I" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


-i:     . 


THE  QUIET  STREET. 

A  SKETCH  FROM  A  "  STUDY  "  WINDOW. 


. 


2 


-  - 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


<  J    tn*fjKffif  *  AJ'7'  >IUK 


-    f"SJ 

tsurJ  m\ 


A  SUBSTITUTE  FOR  THE  SEASIDE,    OR  THE  SERPENTINE  AS   IT  MIGHT  BE. 


Admiring  Friend.    "WHY,  FRANK  1  WHAT  A  CAPITAL  DODGE!" 

Frank.    "  A— VA-AS.    My  BEARD  iS  SUCH  ^%'Kk,  THAT  I  HAVB  TAKEN  A  HINT  men  THE  FAI«  SEX." 


20 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari  July  19,  1911. 


SWIMMING  FOR  LADIES. 


Paterfamilias  (who  is  stout  and  a  Volunteer  also).     "  OHO  !     MY  NEW  UNIFORM  COME  HOMB,  I 
H^tuUy.    "YES,  PA  DEAR  !   AND  WB'VE  TRIED  IT  ON  THE  WATER  BUTT,  AND  IT  LOOKS  so  NICE  ! 


SEBl'! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  JULY  19,  .9". 


1861  —  1870. 

N  1861  -we  find  that  gallant  fellow  the  Volunteer, 
always  a  butt  of  the  wits  but  bravely  disregarding 
their  playfulness,  in  full  force;  Blondin  at  the 
Crystrl  Palace,  and  Paul  Du  Chailhi's  gorilla  leading  to  a 
thousand  jokes.  Paul  Du  Chaillu  is  forgotten  now,  but 
only  a  Nottingham  voter  would  dare  to  say  that  jokes  about 
men  and  monkeys  are  extinct.  In  the  following  year 
croquet  began  to  try  the  patience  and  temper  of  English 
men  and  maidens,  as  it  still  does ;  and  in  1863  breech-Io;Kli/rs 
are  noted  as  having  recently  come  in,  in  consequence  of 
which  a  larger  number  of  pheasants  and  partridges  went  out. 
That  year  also  Speke  and  Grant  discovered  the  source  of 
the  Nile. 

On  the  day  before  Christmas  one  of  Mr.  Punch's  greatest 
stalwarts,  W.  M.  Thackeray,  died,  and  in  1864  iff.  Punch 
lost  John  Leech,  who  had  been  a  tower  of  strength  ever 
since  his  fourth  number. 

In  1865  women  began  to  add  medicine  to  their 
other  industries  and,  according  to  Du  Maurier,  to  smoke  the 
recently  imported  cigarette,  which  as  an  amelioration  of 
English  life  is  little  more  than  fifty  years  old ;  while  in  1866 
roller  skating,  which  has  been  making  periodical  revisits 
ever  since,  always  accompanied  by  symptoms  of  fever,  had 
broken  out  in  the  streets — where  it  still  remains  in  spite  of 
foolish  appeals  to  the  Home  Secretary  to  stop  it.  That 
year  also  saw  the  first  sewing-machine. 

In  1867  another  first  is  recorded— the  first  joke  on  the 
tendency  of  lady  novelists  to  be  a  little  too  frank— an 
exuberance  which  the  forty  and  more  intervening  years 
have  done  little  to  curb.  It  was  also  in  1867  that  Linley 
Sambourne,  Mr.  Punch's  famous  "Sammy,"  who  died  a 
little  less  than  a  year  ago,  in  harness  almost  to  the  last, 
contributed  his  first  drawing. 

The  greatest  boon  of  the  sixties,  and  one  which  has  since 
brightened  the  lives  of  millions  of  persons,  was  the  bicycle. 
It  is  true  it  was  not  the  bicycie  we  know  to-day — it  was 
awkward  and  noisy  and  scattering  to  the  system— but  it 
was  the  forerunner  of  the  real  thing,  and  by  1869  Mr.  Punch, 
was  sufficiently  interested  in  it  to  recommend  ladies  to  try 
side-saddles. 


22, 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


THE  VOLUNTEER  MOVEMENT. 

JONES  AND  FAMILY  GO  UNDER  CANVAS. 


3saft-M'«S5rj 


A  CROQUET  MATCH. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


THIS  is  WHY  CHARLES,  WHO  TOOK  HIS  TWO  FAIR  COUSINS  TO  SEE  BLONDIN  ON  THE  HIGH  Rope, 

DID  NOT  THINK  IT  BY  ANY  MEANS  A  "  DISGUSTING   EXHIBITION." 


THE    CLERICAL    BEARD    MOVEMENT. 
JV«   Dp  SOT   FOR   ONE   MOMENT  PRESUME   TO    SAT    WHETHER   IT   IS   RIGHT  OR  WRONG,— ONLY,  »  THIS  SORT  OF  THIMO  IS  TO  PRfiVAH, 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


tlamma  (to  Old  Woman).     "  PRAY,  HAVE  YOU  MET  Two  LADIES  AND  A  GENTLEMAN?"  Old    Woman.     "WELL,    I   MET  TIIREB 

PEOPLE — BUT,  LA!  THERE,  I  CAN'T  TELL  LADIES  FROM  GENTLEMEN  NOW-A-DAVS.     WHEN  /  WAS  A  GAL,  &c.,  &c." 


AT  SOTHERN'S  PERFORMANCE  OF  DUNDREARY. 

First  Swell.    "A-A-WAW  !     WAW  !   WAW  !     Hew   DID  YOU  LIKE  HIM?" 

Second  Do.     "  WAW-WAW-WAW.     No  ITFIKU/  BV«U/  =«..•  ciir-ii  •  n»t«»      r.,, 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


f^r 


Keeper  (who  has  never  seen  o  breech-loader).     "  I  DON'T  THINK  WERRY  MUCH  OF  'IM  ;  WHY  HE'S  BIN  AND  BROKE  His  GUN  THE 

WERRY  FUST  SHOT!" 


WE  LEARN  FROM  AN  OBSERVANT  CORRESPONDENT,  THAT  "  COAT-TAILS 

AND  WALKING  STICKS  ARE  WORN  SHORT  AT  PRESENT  BY  THE  MOST 
PRONOUNCED  SWELLS  AT  THE  CAMP  AT  SANDOWN.." 


THF.  NEW  AND  DELIGHTFUL  METHOD  or  BRUSHING  THE  HA« 

BY  MACHINERY, 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 


SEWING  MACHINES. 
"^A  MOST  WONDERFUL  INVENTION,  INDEED,  MUM,  AND  IT  REALLY  EXECUTES  THE  WORK  so  EFFICIENTLY  AMD  QUICKH 

THAT,    'POX    MIT   WORD,    I    THINK    THERE'S    NOTHING    LEFT    FOR   THE  LADIES  TO   DO   NOW   BUT  TO  Improve    Oltir   Intellects  I" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911* 


GENERAL    ADOPTION  OF  THE    ROLLING    5KATB. 

LIVELY  APPEARANCE  OF  REGENT  STREET  IN 


LADY-PHYSICIANS. 

WHO  ,»  THIS  INTERESTS  INVALID?    It  «s  VOUNO  R.C.SALD  OE  BRACES^-HO  HAS  SUCCEEDED  «  CATCT..NG 

THAT    HE    MIGHT  'SEND    FOR    THAT    RISING    PRACTITIONER,    DR.    ARABELLA  BOLWS 


< 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari.  July  19.  1911. 


Gld-JaMoncd  Party  (with  old-fashioned  prejudices).     "  AH  !   VERY  CLEVER,  I  DARE  SAY.     BUT  I  SEE  IT'S  WRITTEN  BY  A  LADY, 

-     T     ...  .      r,__  ..      1-1 I...  Kin  nT.'E-     «»     ^nUKTHINR     ELSE  1  " 


Punch, 'or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


••THE  PERSON"    IN  PARLIAMENT.     CHAIRING  THE  NEW  MEMBER. 


Aunt  (slightly  shocked).    "  WHY,  CHILD,  ALL  YOUR  CLOTHES  ARK 
FALLING  OFF!"  „ 

Laura.    "  OH,  DEA«,  NO,  AUNTY  ;  IT'S  THE  FASHION  I 


THE  VELOCIPEDE  SIDE-SADDLE. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


Aueusta.    "  O  ADA,  DEAR,  WHAT  A  SWEET  HEAD-DRESS  !     WHERE  DID  YOU  GET  IT?" 

Ada.    "  IT'S  QUITS  NEW,  DEAR.    IT  ONLY  ARRIVED  TO-DAY  FROM  PARIS  IN  A  BALLOON,  BY  BALLOON-I  OST.  - 


RETAIL    TRADERS    V.    CO-OPERATIVB    STORES. 


<r 


Lk 


JHE  most  remarkable  events  in  English  life  in  Mr. 
Punch's  fourth  decade  were  probably  the  popularisa- 
tion of  the  bicycle,  the  invention  of  lawn  tennis, 
and  the  introduction  of  the  telephone.  The  bicycle  was 
steadily  gaining  ground  throughout  the  ten  years,  but  lawn 
tennis  was  not  played  until  1874,  and  that  questionable  boon, 
the  telephone,  appeared  in  1878,  although  it  was  long,  of 
course,  before  every  other  house  had  passed  under  its 
tyranny,  as  now,  when  only  those  who  have  none  or 
remember  to  leave  the  receiver  off  the  rest  know  any  peace 
of  mind.  As  for  lawn  tennis,  since  1874  it  has  reached  its 
zenith  and  declined  again. 

In  1871  we  first  find  the  adjective  "  awful  "  entering 
upon  an  existence  which  it  has  not  yet  quitted,  in  spite 
of  many  successful  rivals;  in  1874  "quite"  joined 
it  as  an  indispensable  part  of  smart  speech ;  in  1876 
the  right  people  were  expressing  their  thanks  in  the 
phrase,  "  Ta,  awfully  ta,"  while  at  the  end  of  the  period,  in 
1880,  "  utter  "  and  "  too  too  "  began  their  brief  but  hectic 
reign. 

In  dress,  crinolines  had  long  gone,  and  the  reaction 
was  towards  so  tight  a  skirt  that  in  1876  sitting  down  was 
found  to  be  as  much  an  impossibility  as  running  was  in  the 
hobble  skirts  of  this  and  yester  year. 

Trade  was  now  becoming  a  sanctioned  resort  for  impover- 
ished aristocrats,  as  it  still  is;  and  in  1877  a  tendency  to 
manliness  in  woman's  dress  that  has  steadily  increased  was 
noticed  again,  as  it  had  been  noticed  in  the  forties  by  the 
keen  eye  of  Leech,  and  has  been  noticed  since ;  for  all  fads 
move  in  circles. 

And  so  we  reach  1880,  when  that  famous  movement  began 
which  gave  Mr.  Punch  more  opportunities  for  sustained 
ridicule  than  any  other  in  his  long  life — the  rise  of  the 
aesthetes,  with  their  sunflowers  and  lilies,  their  languid 
enthusiasms  and  affected  disdains. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari  July  19,  1911. 


THE  SLANG   OF  THE   DAY. 

"A— AWFUL  HOT,  AIN'T  IT?"      "  YES,  AWFUL!"     (FraM.) 
"A-AWFUuW  FLOOR.  AIN'T  IT?"     "  YES,  AWFUL  !"    (P«u,c.) 
«  A_A_AWFUL  JOLLY  SAD  ABOUT  THE  POOR   DUCHHSS,   AIN  T 
IT?"    "  YES— QUITE  TOO  AWFUL (And  so  forth.) 


THE    DOLLY   VARDEN    FAREWELL   KISS. 

A   DELIGHTFUL    OPERATION,    BUT   A    DIFFICULT    ONE   TO    PERFORM 
SUCCESSFULLY. 


Mrs.  Brown  (whose  Daughter  has  just  been  performing  admirably  on  the  Piano-Forte).    "  Bo  your  DAUGHTERS  PLAY,  MRS.  JONF.S?" 
Mrs.  Jones  (whose  four  Daughters  have  only  been  listening).     "No."  Mrs.    Brown.     "SiNC?"  Mrs.    Jones. 

Mrs.  Brown.     "  PAINT  IN  \VATER-CoLOUKb.'"  Mrs.  Jones.     "  No.      We  GO  IN  FOR  Beauty!" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari  July  19,  1911. 


A  WEST-END  NOTION  OF  "HUMBLE  ORIGIN." 

Belgravian  Crossing-Sweeper  (offended).     "  WHY,  I  RECOLLEX  VER  WHEN  YER  wos  LIVIN'  IN  THE  RECENCY  PARK!" 


REFINEMENTS  OP  MODERN  SPEECH.  v 

Female   Exquisite.     "Quite  A  NICE  BALL  AT  MRS. 

MlI.LEFLEURS',    WASN'T  IT?" 

Male  Ditto.    "  Very  QUITE.     INDEED,  REALLY  most 

QUITE  !" 


Old  Servant.    "  THERE  NOW,  Miss  ANNIE,  WHAT  DO  You  CALL 

'  "Miss  Annie.    "WHAT  DO  I  CALL  what,  ADAMS?" 

Old  Servant.    "WHY,  THAT  BLACK  \CLVET  THING  You  \u 

ON.     1  CALLS  IT  A  Kicliing-Stiay." 


34 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari.  July  19,  1911. 


R1NKOMANIA. 


FRIENDS  of  the  fleeting  Skate,  behold  in  this 
A  Rinkomaniac's  dream  of  earthly  bliss, 
Sketched  by  the  frantic  pen  of  one  who  thinks 
That  Heaven  is  paved  with  everlasting  rinks  . 


Where  Cherubs  sweep  for  ever  and  a  day 
Smooth  tepid  ice  that  never  melts  away, 
While  graceful,  gay,  good-natured  Lovers  blend 
To  endless  tunes,  in  circles  without  end  ! 


THE   PILLION-BICYCLE. 


Punch,  or  Ihe  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


35 


STUDY  OF  A   HORIZONTAL  ARRANGEMENT  IN  TONED  WHITE,   Po  .PLE  AND   BROWN,   ACCOMPAS,P.D  BY  A  VERT.CAL  SYMPHONY   ,» 
ORANGE,   BLUE  AND  CRIMSON,  MEETING  A     DIAGONAL   DUET   IN    BLACK   AND  YEL 


ss-  lari  ±si  .izx .r-  S&BJT-  -  -  -  — • 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911, 


THE    ANDROQYN-CCBUM.  CLUB 


Misi  Maud.    "  How  DO  WE  STAND?" 

Captain  Lovelace.    "  THEY  ARE  Six  TO  OUR  LOVE  ;  AND  '  LOVE  ' 

ALWAYS   MEANS    NOTHING,    YOU    KNOW." 

Miss  Maud.    "  ALWAYS?" 


Ancient  Lady.     "  LET  ME  DRIVE  YOU,  Miss  SHARP.     IT  is  QUITI: 

IN    MY    WAY,    AND    I    CAN*T    DEAR    TO    THINK    OF    YOUR    WALKING    HOMK 
ALL    ALONE  !" 

Modern  Ditto.     "  OH,   I   DOS'T  MIND  WALKING  A  BIT,  THANKS  ! 
BESIDES,  I  WANT  TO  SMOKE  !" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


37 


i  MF  FAIRE  L'HONNEUR  DE  DANSER  CETTE  VALSE  AVEC 

„.,.      "AVEC    PLAISF.ER,    MONSIEUR.      QUELLE    EST    VOTER 
de  Ratdiffe  Highway?'" 

e   have  leeoly   tr.ea   to  represent  the  «  Ratdiffe   Highway  Kick,'    which  at 
society!  and 'confers  a  ff*i  air  of  distinction  on  the  performers.] 


MATILDK?" 

'  Lurch   de    Liver- 

in   the  very   best 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 


"SHALL  WE— A— SIT  DOWN?" 


"  I    SHOULD  LIKE  TO  ;   BUT  MY    DRESSMAKER    SAYS   I    MUSTN'T  !" 


THE   ARISTOCRACY   TAKES   TO   TRADE. 

Lord  Plantagcnel  (to  fair  Customer,  who  lias  just  given  an  enormous    order   jor    Sugar,    Soap,    and    Pickles).     "  ANY    other 
ARTICLE  TO-DAY,   MADAM?" 

Fair   Customer.     "  ER— WELL— A— I    HEAR   YOUR   SISTER-IN-I.AW,  THE  DUCHESS  OF  FENTONVILLE,  is  GOING  TO  GIVE  A  <., 
PARTY  AT  FULIIAM.      ER— WOULD  IT  HE  ASKING  TOO  MUCH   IF   I  WERE  TO  BEG  OF  HER  GRACE,  THROUGH  you,  THE  I^AVOUKOF 

iNVl-ATION    FOR    MYSELF    AND    MY    TWO    DAUGHTERS?"  Lord    PltttltageilCt.       "    IT    SHALL    BK    SEEN    TO,     MADAM  I 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911. 


39 


Old  Gentleman  (shocked  beyond  description)  to  Verger.    "  DON'T  YOU  THINK  THOSE  YOUTHS  HAD  BETTER  UP.  TOLD  TO  TAKE 
IEIR  HATS  OFF?"     Verger.     "TAKE  THEIR  'ATS  OFF!     BLESS  YOU,  SIR,  THOSE  ARE  THE  Dean's  young  Ladies! 


Lady  Customer.     "  MY  LITTLE  BOY  WISHES  FOR  A  NOAH'S  ARK.     HAVE 
ui>  KICKING  NOAH'S  HARKS  SINCE  THE  SCHOOL  BOARDS  COME  IN. 


w<Os*<MB«*™»>*->  M'wul" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911, 


THE  TELEPHONE. 

PLACE— Bedford  Square.        TIME— 8  A.M. 

Paterfamilias  (waking  up).     "WHAT'S  THE  MATTER  JEMIMA?" 
Materfamthas.     "  IT'S   DEAR   CHARLEY   GOT   A   DINNER-PARTY   AT 
COLOMBO.     THE  SLINGSBY  RODINSONS  ARE  THERE,  AND  CHARLEY'S 

JL-ST  PROPOSED  OUR    HEALTHS   SO   NICELY.      LISTEN   TO  THE   CHEFRS  !" 

/  aterfamiUas.     "WAIT  A  MINUTE,   AND  I'LL  RETURN   THANKS!" 


At  the  Luncheon  hour,  Jellaby  Postlethwaite  enters  a  Pastrycook's 
and  calls  for  a  glass  of   Water,  into  which  he  puts  a  freshly-cut 

Lily,  and  loses  himself  in  contemplation  thereof. 
Waiter.     "SHALL  I  BRING  YOU  ANYTHING  ELSE,  SIR?" 
Jellaby  Postlethwaite.     "  THANKS,   NO  !     I   HAVE  ALI    I   IU-OUIRE 

AND    SHALL    SOON    HAVE   DONE!" 


_. 


"«-    FAUT   SOUFFRIR    POUR    bTRE    BELLE!" 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIV.IKI,  Ju..v  19,  i,«. 


1881  —  1890. 

HE  aesthetes — with  Du  Maurier  hot  on  their  trail — 
were  still  strong  in  the  opening  years  of  Mr.  Punch's 
fifth  decade ;  but  their  doom  had  sounded,  and  they 
never  recovered   from   the   fashion  of  athletics  for  women 
which,  though  it  has  ceased  to  be  a  craze,  has  never  lost 
popularity.     In  addition  to  their  interest  in  feats  of  strength 
we  find  women,  after  refusing,  in  1883,  to  ride  on  "buses, 
refusing,  in  1886,  when  garden  seats  came  in,  to  ride  any- 
where else. 

In  1883  we  also  have  a  foretaste  of  the  Suffragette  move- 
ment, which,  however,  was  to  wait  for  Mr.  Punch's  seventh 
decade  to  develop  into  the  real  crusade  that  all  of  us  now 
know  and  many  dread. 

The  changes  of  dress,  always  faithfully  reflected  in  Mr. 
Punch's  pages,  ranged  from  the  tight  jerseys  of  1880 — I  to 
the  high  sleeves  of  1890  by  way  of  the  egregious  bustle,  which 
alone  of  all  the  extravagances  of  fashion  has  yet  shown  no 
tendency  to  revisit  the  scenes  of  its  old  horrible  triumph. 
Large  fans  and  parasols  came  in  in  1882,  and  a  renewed 
approximation  to  men's  dress  was  a  by-product  of  the 
period.  As  for  men,  we  find  them  giving  up  carrying  latch- 
keys for  fear  of  spoiling  their  figures. 

The  foreign  instrumental  and  hairy  genius,  the  American 
siffleuse,  prize  fighters,  cowboys,  and  the  infant  musical 
prodigy  divided  the  attention  of  smart  hostesses,  while 
among  the  crazes  of  the  idle  rich  (who  have  always  been 
Mr.  Punch's  best  material)  we  find  slumming,  banjo-playing, 
palmistry,  pet  dogs,  and  "  Pigs  in  Clover  "  and  kindred 
puzzles  (to  be  revived  in  the  next  century  in  the  form  of  a 
jigsaw).  Falstaff's  remark  on  his  countrymen  (which  Mr. 
Punch  might  have  made  his  motto,  had  he  needed  one) 

"  it  was  always  yet  the  trick  of  our  English  nation,  if 

they  have  a  good  thing,  to  make  it  too  common  " — is 
exemplified  in  the  years  between  1881  and  1890  as  richly  as 
in  any  of  the  periods. 

The  last  year  of  the  decade  saw  Charles.  Keene's  final 
drawing  in  Punch,  for  which  he  had  been  working  for  forty 
years. 


sra*<wsii»vs;p  •  -..'  <h  ..•(/•••.•'  •• 

.!'"'si/!' .  ''•"*•  ••"•.„,'..•  "•.''VfoV'V'jij 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


POLO  FOR  THE   PEOPLE. 


POSTLETrtWAITE  ON    "REFRACTION." 

Grigsby.     "  HULI.O,  MY  JELLABY,  you  HERE!     COME  AND 

TAKK    A    DIP  IN   THE    BRINY,    OLD    MAN.       I'M    SURE   YOU    LOOK 

AS  IF   YOU  -wanted  IT  !" 

Postlethwaite.     "  THANKS,     NO.      I     NEVER     BATHE.      I 

ALWAYS    SEE    MYSELF    SO    DREADFULLY    foreshortened    IN     THE 

WATER,    YOU   KNOW  !" 


TANTALISING. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


Mrs.    Verc  de   Vere.     "  IT  NEVER  CAne  IN 


Snookson.     "  '  REVERSING  '   SEEMS  TO  BE  GOING  OUT  OF  FASHION 


First   Masher.     "  LKT'S   STOP  AND  LOOK  AT  PUNCH  AND  JUDY,  ( 
Second  Masher.     "  I  DESSAY  IT  is.  MY  BRAVE  BOY.     BUT  WE  AIN 


"'*  "  °°°D  ' 


4-'r 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


A    NEW  TASTE    IN    MEN   AND  WOMEN. 

She.    "WHAT  A  FINE-LOOKING  MAN  MR.   O'BRIEN  is!" 

He.      "  H'M — HAH — RATHER     ROUGH-HEWN,     I     THINK.       CAN'T     SAY    I    ADMIRE    THAT    LOUD-LAUGHING,    STRONG-VOICED,    ROBUST    KIND 

OF  MAN.     Now  THAT'S  A  NICE-LOOKING  WOMAN  HE'S  TALKING   TO  !  " 

She.    "WELL — ER — SOMEWHAT   effeminate,   YOU   KNOW.     CONFESS  I  DON'T  ADMIRE  effeminate  WOMEN!" 


THE  SOCIAL,  POSITION  OF  THE  ACTOR  HAS  IMPROVED  OF  LATE  YEARS,  BUT  STILL  LEAVES  MUCH  TO  BE  DESIRED. 

Walter  Lissom  (the  Jcune  Premier  of  the  Parthenon).     "  I  ASK   YOU    ALL,    LADIES,    HAS    AN    ACTOR    EVER    YET    BEEN    MADE   A 
KNIGHT  OF  THE  (BARTER,  OR  F.VF.N  HAD  THE  REFUSAL  OF  A  PF.ERAGF.  !     Never!" 
Chorus  of  adoring  Duchesses,   Marchionesses,   and   Countesses.     "  Shame  I" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


45 


THE  OOLP  5TREAM. 

FLOWS     ALONG     THE     EASTERN     COAST     OF     SCOTLAND    DURING    THE    SUMMER    AND    AUTUMN. 


A  NEW  RUNO   IN  TMB  SOCIAL  LADDER. 
TODESON    TAKES    TO    "  SLUMMING,"    AMD    COMES    ACROSS    LADT    CLARA  ROBINSON  (ntt  V«RE  DS  VERB)  IN  A  FRIGHTFUL  DEN   Kit* 

BETHMAL  GREEN.     OH  JOY  I  SHE  ACTUALLY  INVITES  HIM  TO  DIKE  WITH  SIR  PITBR  AMD  BERSKU  IN  GROSVENOR  I 

BUT.   AlAS  !     INSTEAD  OF   RANK   AND   FASHION,    IT   IS  ONLY  TO  KMT  AN  EAST  END  CWATl  AND  HIS  WlFI,  DEVOTED  TO  THE  1 
— AOT>  Mm   FULLALOVB   (THE   MATRON   OF   LADY   CLARA'S   Hoi«   FOR  JUVEML.  THIIVM  IM   BERMONDSEY).   WHOM  HI 1  HAS  TO  IM 

w  TO  DINNER,  AND  WHO  PERSISTS  IN  MISTAKING  HIM  to*  on  or  THOSE  RECLAIMED  SPECIMENS  OF  THE     t  >WF.R  W** 
r>.»»«  ••  u  ,.».  *,*,„  «.!  fTadeum  think*  that  "  Slumming      doan  I  pay,  a 


Punch,  Of  th«  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


LOVE'S  LABOUR'S  LOST;    OR,  THE  STALKING  OF  OORQIUS   MIDAS  JUNIOR. 

LADY  MATCHAM  AND  HER  DIANA  PATIENTLY  DRIVE  THE  QUARRY  INTO  THE  DISCREET  LITTLE  SAGE-GREEN  SATIN  BOUDOIR,  WHENCE, 
AS  THEY  FONDLY  ANTICIPATE,  THERE  WILL  BE  NO  ESCAPE.  UNFORTUNATELY,  WHO  SHOULD  BE  LYING  IN  WAIT  FOR  HIM  THERE  BUT 
LADY  CATCHAM  AND  HER  CONSTANTIA  ! 


SOCIETY'S   NEW    PET— THE   ARTIST'S   MODEL. 

•  MAND  HOW  Dtt)  YO~U  -AND  MR.   SOPLEY  COME  TO  QUARREL,    DEAR    MlSS.  DRAGON?" — "  W.ELL,    YOUR.  GRACE;    IT.   WAS,  LI1CE  -THIS  I    I 
WAS   SITTING  TO   HIM   IN   A    CeStuS   FOR   '  THE  JUDGMENT  OF    PARIS,'    WHKN   SOMEONE  CALLED  AS   WANTED.TO   SEE  HIM  MOST  PARTICULAR^ 

so  HE  SAID,  '  Don't  you  move,  Miss  Dragon,  or  you'll  disturb  the  Cestus !' — '  Very  good.  Sir!'  I  SAID,  AND  OFF  HE  WENT;  AND 
WHEN  HE  COME  BACK  IN  AN  HOUR  AND  A  'ARF  OR  so,  HE  SAID,  '  You've    moved,    Miss    Dragon.' — '  /    'aven't  1'    I    SAID. — '  You 

1     HE  SAID.—'  /   'AVEN'T!'   I   SAID,— AND  NO  MORE  I    'ADN1!,  .HOUR   G.RACE  !— AND    WITH    THAT    I    OFF    WITH   HIS   CESTUS,   AND 

D  HIM  UOOD  MORNING,  AN'  NEVER  BEEN  NEAR  HIM  SINCE!" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari.  July  19,   1911. 


47 


THE  LAST  NEW  FAD.     A  REACTION  FROM  ^STHF-TICS. 

The  Professor.    "Now,  LADIES.    STRAIGHT  FROM  THE  SHOULDER,   PLEASE!— AND  DON'T  TRY  TO  Scratch — 'T'AIN'T 

HO    GOOD    WITH    THE    GLOVES   ON  1  " 

Af.  le  Professeur.    "  ALLONS,  MADEMOISELLE,— VIF  LA  !    ROMPEZ— PARADE  ET  RIPOSTE  EN  QUARTS.     BON  1    ENCORE 

UNE   FOIS    LA    FE1NTE    DE    SECONDE.      HARDI  1      U.NE,    DEUSSE,  TROISSE  !      FEXDEZ-VOUS  UIEN, — Parfaitl" 


I787- 


."HERE'S  A  HOW-D'Y'-DOI" 
A  CHAPTER  ON  TUB  EVOLUTION  OF  DEPORTMENT. 


1887. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 


The  Duchess  of  Beljambe.     "  THAT'S  MY  COSTUME  FOR  THE  DANCE  IN  THE  THIRD  ACT — RATHER  COLD  IN  Tins, WEATHER— BUT 

IT'S    FOR    THE    POOR    CROSS1NC-S WEEPERS1    WIDOWS*    HOME,    YOU  KNOW  !      ARE  YOU  COMING  TO  SEE  US,   CAPTAIN   DE   BOOTS?"^. 

Gallant  Hussar.    "HAW,!     HAW!     I  SHOULD-  think  so,  DUCHESS — rather!    WOULDN'T  -MISS    IT    FOR^THE    WORLD!  '  BRIN»  ;: 
THE  WHOLE  REGIMENT  !     FETCH  'EM  AWFULLY,  THAT  THIRD  ACT  WILL  !     HAW!     HAW!     HAW!" 


"  WELL,  TA-TA,  OLD  MAN  !    MY  PEOPLE  ARE  WAITING  UP  FOR 
ME,  YOU  KNOW!"          "WHY,   DON'T  YOU  CARRY  A  LATCH-KEY?" 
CARRY  A  Latch-key  I        NOT  1 1      A  LATCH-KEY  'D  SPOIL  any 
FELLER'S  FIGURE!" 


TYPICAL   MODERN   DEVELOPMENTS. 

DRAGOON  AND  CURATE..  ' 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 

tej  -^'i 


•         " 


'/•  ;-A4',jv 


MR5.  DUDLEY  DE  VERB  STANLEY-MA1NWARINQ  AT  HOME QLOVES. 

(SHALL  AND  EARLY.) 


STUDIES  IN   EVOLUTION. 

Jms  is  NOT  AN  EXAMPLE  OF  THB  SIKUCCLB  FOR  EXISTENCE— IT  is  MERELT  "  THE  VALSE,"  AS  WK  HAVI  IATHJ  SEEN  n  DANCE* 

AT  SUBURBAN  SUBSCRIPTION  BALLS,  &c. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 


IMITATION  THE   SINCEREST  FLATTERY 


REFRESHMENTS  IN  VOGUE. 

"QUININE  OR  ANTIPYRINE,  MY  LADY?" 


TRUE  FEMININE  DELICACY  OF  FEELING. 

'Emily  (who  lias  called  to  tal^Lizzie  to  the  great  Murder  Trrnl). 
"WHAT  DEEP  BLACK,  DEAREST!" 

Lizzie.      "YES.       I    THOUGHT    IT    WOULD    BE  ^NLY    DECENT,    AS    TUB 

POOR  WRETCH  is  SURE  TO  BE  FOUND  GUILTY." 

Emily.     "  AH  !     I  HEARD  IT  WAS  EVEK  RETTING  WHICH  WAY  TUB 
VERDICT  WOULD  c.o,  so  I  ONLY  PUT  ON  Half  MOURNING  . 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI,  JULY  '9i  «9«»- 


iSQI  —  1900. 

HE  legacy  of  the  nineties  is  still  being  enjoyed  by 
us.     The    decade    brought    the    cult    of    motoring, 
bridge  and  golf  to  full  flower;  and  all  these  things 
delight  us  yet. 

At  the  beginning  of  this  period  the  wordless  play  was 
delighting  London  ;  at  the  end  extravagantly  ample  hats  worn 
at  matine'es  were  blotting  out  the  stage,'  as  periodically  they 
have  done  since  and  will  probably  ever  do.  Tight  skirts 
were  still  in  fashion,  to  which  huger  sleeves  than  before  were 
added,  and  in  1893  a  happily  futile  effort  to  bring  back 
the  crinoline  was  made,  leading  Du  Maurier  to  an  amusing 
inversion  of  one  of  Leech's  drawings  in  1857,  both  of  which 
are  given  in  this  number.  In  the  same  year  Mr.  Punch 
printed  the  first  drawing  by  one  of  his  most  delightful  and 
gifted  hands — poor  Phil  May. 

In  1894  Society's  romps  of  both  sexes  went  mad  over  the 
Barn  dance,  and  in  1895  our  playwrights  had  begun  to 
employ  the  drama  as  a  vehicle  for  exhibiting  problems  in 
social  ethics,  thus  providing  nuts  for  conversationalists  and 
critics  to  crack — not  always  with  good  humour  and  rarely 
with  any  profit. 

In  1896,  the  motor-bus  first  began  to  shake  our  houses, 
and  Herr  Rontgen  discovered  his  wonderful  rays ;  while  it 
was  in  the  same  year,  in  the  number  for  September  26,  that 
Du  Maurier's  last  drawing  appeared  and  Mr.  Punch  lost  his 
most  searching  social  satirist  after  Thackeray. 

In  1897  electric  cabs  came  and  went ;  Society  discovered 
Battersea  Park  as  a  cycling  course,  and  jockeys,  imitating 
the  Americans,  began  to  perch  upon  their  horses'  necks, 
where  they  still  are.  In  the  summer  of  the  following  year 
the  introduction  of  the  Continental  custom  of  mixed  bathing 
into  English  watering-places  had  all  the  country  by  the  ears ; 
and  in  the  argument  for  and  against  it  a  heat  was  engen- 
dered at  which  now  we  can  all — as  Mr.  Punch  did  then — 
only  laugh. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911. 


I  LIKE  nr  NEW  FROCK,  AUNT  JANE?" 

"WELL,  /  SHOULD  SAT  YOU'D  GOT  SKIRTS  FOR  YOUR  SLEEVES, 
WD  A  SLEEVE  FOR  YOUR  SKIRT  !" 


"  A— GOT    ANYTHING    ON    TO-NIGHT,     LADY    GODIVA?" 
"NOT    MUCH,    I'M    GLAD    TO    SAY!" 


Mrs.  Harris . 
AND  I  FIND  I'M 
l'M  001NO  \" 


IBSEN  IN  BRIXTON. 

'    Xy'M-IAM-    '^VK    THO"n"T    *    WAT.    ABOUT    IT, 

<•  BUT  YOUR  DOLL  AND  DICKY-BIRD,  AND  so 


General. 
FARE?" 
TO    WHAT    « 


MILITARY    EDUCATION. 

'  WHAT  is  THE  MAIN  USE  OF  CAVALRY  IN  MODF.R.V  WAR 
Mr.  de  liridoon.     "  WELL,   I   SUPPOSE  TO  I;TVE  TONE 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  191 1. 


re,.   . 


llIERE   00    THE    bPICER    VV 1LCOXES,    MAMMA!       I'M    TOLD    THEY'RE    DYING   TO    KNOW    VS.      HADN'T    WE    BETTE*    CALL?" 

CERTAINLY  NOT,  DEAR.     IF  THEY'RE  DYING  TO  KNOW  us,  THEY'RE   NOT    WORTH    KNOWING.     THE   ONLY    PEOPLE    w 

KNOWING    ARE   THE    PEOPLE    WHO    don't    WANT    TO    KNOW    US  !" 


WORTH    Our 


THE  MISSES  ROUNDABOUT  THINK  TIGHT  SKIRTS  A  PREPOSTEROUS  AND  EXTRAVAGANT  INVENTION,  AND  APPEAR  AT  MRS.  WEASE. 

PARTY  IN  A  SIMPLE  AND  ELEGANT  ATTIRE.     (Set  page  10. 


54 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911. 


ROTTEN  Row.     10  A.M.     DISPERSION  OF  THE  POIJKTITKS,  STRAWHATITES  AN-D  CAPMEV,  AND  TRIUMPHANT  ENTRY  OF  THE  TOPHATITE 

"  IS    QUITE    CORRECT    ATTIRX,    Bv    PARTICULAR    DESIRE."  ' 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


THE   BARN   DANCE. 

Old  Lady  (from  the  Country).    "  Is  YOUR  AUNT  JANE  HERE  TO-NIGHT,  MATILDA?" 

Matilda.    "  YES — THERE  SHE  is — DANCING  THE  '  Pas  de  Quatre  '  WITH  LITTLE  MR.  SIMPKINS  !" 

Old  Lady.    "On — so  that's  WHAT  THEY  CALL  TH«  '  Pas  de  Quatre' t    I  THINK  THAT  THE  'Pas  du  Tout'  WOULD  BE  uoarn 

SUITABLE  TO   YOUR   AUNT  JANB  I" 


TH8  PROBLEM  PLAY. 

New  Woman  (with  the  hat).    "No!    My  PRINCIPLE  is  SIMPLY  thit-lr  THERE'S  A  demand  FOR  THESE  PLAVS,  IT  » 
supplied  /"  c        i  *•  r^ 

Woman  not  New  (with  the  bonnet).    "  PRECISELY  (    JUST  AS  WITH  THE  BULL-FIGHTS  IN  SPAIN  I 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


THE  MUZZLING  REGULATIONS. 

ANOTHER  CULPRIT. 


THE  MOTOR  'BUS. 
Fussy  Old  Gtnl.    "  STOP  1  STOP  1    1  WANT  TO  GET  DOWN.."  Driver.    "  1  CAN'T  STOP  TUB  BLOOMIN'  THING  1 1* 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


"Hi!    WHIP  BEHIND!"  "  YAH  !     'E  AIN'T  COT  NONE!" 


LE  MONDE   OU   L'ON  5' AMUSE. 

Ethel.    "  I  HOPE  BICYCLING  WILL  co  OUT  OF  FASHION  BEFORE  vm  SEASOW,  I  do  BATB  BICYCUNC  so  1" 
Uaud.    "  So  DO  / 1    Bur  OMB  mutt,  YOU  KNOW  I" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911 


„;« 


I  don,  HUc  the  Andean  sty,  of  ,  on  t^^^^^ostove,  the  horse,  ears, 

"Is  THAT  CHAP  COMIN'  OFF,  OR  is  HE  TRYIN'  THE  NEW  AMERICAN  STYLE? 


?K 

a  short,  tight  hold  of 


TABLEAUX    VIVANTS    AT  A  HOUSE   PARTY. 

The  Duchess  (just  arrived,  rather  late).     "  LORD  AU-GUS-TUS  !  I"  , 

Lord  Augustus  (emerging  suddenly  from  "Green  Room").  -'''IT'S  ALL   RIGHT,   DUCHESS.     DON'T   BB      HUFFJT.      In   W 
TABLEAU.  '  AUT  WINS  THE  HEART,'  DON'TCHERKNOW.     CELEBRATED  PICTURE.      CHAP  PAINTING  *  VASB.       How    DO,  LADY 
How  'DO,  LADT  GERTY?    LIKE  UY  GET  OP?    JUST  GOING  ON..    LOOK  SHARP  TO  YOUR  SEATS,  OR  you  u.  uiss  UK  I     IA,  TAI 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


Mrs.S»obfoH(wliois  doixg  a  little  slumming  for 
the  first  time,  and  wishes  to  appear  affable,  but  >s 
at  a  loss  to  know  how  to  commence  conversation). 
"TOW  H  VERY  EMPTY  I" 


Stout  Lady.    "  EXCUSE  ME,  LADY  GODOLPHIS,  BUT  I  should  so 

LIKE  TO  MAKE  SOME  NOTES  OF  YOUR  CHARMING  COSTUME— MAY   I 

Lady    Godolphin.    "  PARDON    ME,    BUT    REALLY    I'M    AFRAID    I 

HAVEN'T  THE  PLEASURE  or " 

Stout  Lady.    "On,   I'M  sure  YOU  WON'T  MIND:   IM     Gitui, 

YOU  KNOW— I   DO  DIE   FASHION   ARTICLE  FOR   ClasSJ   Bits  I" 


THE   MARCH   OF    SCIENCE. 

INTERESTING   RESULT   ATTAINED,    WITH  AID  OF   ROKT, 
BT   A   FIRST-FLOOR    LODGER    WHEN    PiioiociuriiiNO   11 
ROOM  DOOR. 


THE   BATHING    QUESTION. 


6o 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  191 1. 


Motor  Fiend.     "  WHY  DON'T  YOU  GET  OUT  OF  THE  WAY?" 
Victim.     "  What!    ARE  YOU  COMING  BACK?" 


THE   POINT  OF  VIEW. 

Exasperated   Old   Gentleman   (to   Lady  in  front   of  him).     "  EXCUSE   ME,    MADAM,    BUT    MY    SEAT   HAS   COST   ME   TEW 

SHILLINGS,  AND  I  WANT  TO  sec.     YOUR  HAT -" 

The     Lady.     "MY     HAT    HAS    COST    us    TEN     Guineas,    SIR,    AND    I    WANT    IT    TO    be    seen  I" 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— JULY  19.  1911. 


XVII 


The     flFat      ren.1      8«,fe>ty     "Razor." 
ie     only     Perfect 


|URHAM-iUPLLEX 
SAFETY 


Here  Is  the  fine  old  Razor  without  any  alteration  of  It* 
happy  form  or  loss  In  its  superb  action.  Two  features 
have  been  added 

GUARDED,  DOUBLE-EDGED  BLADES, 

and  there  la  one,  but  a  strlk'ng  difference  In  Its 
application— 

IT    IS    USED    FLAT    TO    THE    FACE. 

The  dangerous,  Irksome,  Annie  is  gone.  You  handle  It  with 
easy  assurance  and  glide  it  you  are  polished,  not  scraped 

BLADES    Hjllow-Krounrl.    Operative  to  extreme  ends.   Lastingly  keen.    But 

when    set   on  Attachment  are   stroppable    any   Strop.    NOTE    Further  ad- 

vantage.   In  this  form  It  can  be  used  as  an  ordinary  open  Blade  Razor. 

Silver-plated  Set  Razor,  Safety  Guard,  Stropping  Attachment  Case  2V-. 

Write  for  Free  Booklet  and  Card  Model  Razor. 
DURHAM-DUPLEX  RAZOR  Co.  LTD.,  5  York  Buildings,  Adelphi,  London,  W.C 


Ready 

for  use  as  a 
Razor  Safety 


Ready 

for  Sropping 
orOpenBladeuse 


"MY  'SWAN'  FOUNTAIN  PEN 
HAS  BECOME  AN  ABSOLUTE 
NECESSITY  OF  LIFE  TO  ME !" 

Thus  writes  MR.  CLEMENT  SHORTER, 
the  brilliant  editor  of  the  "Sphere." 

Many  other  "Swanites"  have  written  similar  appre- 
ciations regarding  th:  ir  "Swans,"  and  we  maintain 
that  if  you  were  but  to  introduce  yourself  to  the 
"Swan,"  you  would  very  soon  consider  it  one  of 

your  best  friends. 

The  "Swan"  is  made  right  to  write  right,   and   will 
last  for  years. 


BE  SURE    YOU 
THE  GENUINE 


GET 


See  and  try  the  new 

"SWAN-SAFETY"- 

the  pen  with  the  "ladder"  feed. 
May  be  carried  anyhow. 
12s.  6d.  upwards. 


Sold  by  Stationers  and  Jeii'elters.  IVrite  for  C*(*fas*f. 

HABIE,  TODD  &  Co.,  79  &  80,  High  Holborn.  London,  W.C. 

58.  Cheapside,  E.G.;   95*.    Repent  Street,   W..    London;     3.    Exchange  Stre*t, 
Manchester;  19.  Rue  Neuve.  Brussels  ;     Brent.ino's,  37.  Ave.  de  I'Optfra.  Paris;         Sire   ZA 
and  at  New  York  and  Chicago.  *  A    /» 


FREEDOM    FROM    GOUT. 

DEPENDS  ON  THE  CONTROL  OF  URIC  ACID. 

I. very  human  being  is  constantly  having  formed,  by  ai 
absolutely  normal  process  in  his  system,  a  peculiar  <  ln-mi.  i 
substance  known  as  uric  acid,  the  presence  of  which  ii 
excess  in  the  body  is  now  universally  admitted  tu  be  tin 
direct  cause  of  all  forms  of  gouty  suffering. 

hven   the  retention  of  a  very   small  quantity  of  uri. 
is  quite  sufficient  to  set  up  a  disturbance  of  the  entire  system 
which  first  takes  the  form  of  digestive  trouble.-,  with  acidity 
heartburn,    flatulence,    headache,   pain   in   the   region   of  thi 
liver,   skin  irritation,   restlessness,  depression,  or  irritability 
accompanied  frequently  by   shooting  pains  and  stifii 
joints   and    muscles,    especially   after   exposure    to   damp   01 
over-exertion    at    sports. 

The  uric  acid  finds  its  way  into  the  blood  and  is  carricc 
to  every  part  of  the  body,  scattering  here  and  there  seed! 
of  gout,  in  the  form  of  tiny  particles  or  crystalline  com 
pounds,  which  accumulate  so  rapidly  that  in  a  comparatively 
short  time  the  muscles  and  other  tissues  and  joints  are  com 
pletely  impregnated  with  them. 

Sometimes  these  uric  acid  deposits  are  confined  solely  t< 
the  joints,  as  in  the  case  of  acute  gout  and  chronic,  chalky 
or  rheumatic  gout.  The  former  is  the  most  painful  variety 
but  the  latter  causes,  perhaps,  as  much  suffering  and  distres: 
because  of  the  enlargement  of  the  joints,  with  consequen 
stiffness.  When  muscular  tissue  is  attacked  by  the  relent 
less  poison  ,  gouty  rheumatism  or  lumbago  follow,  with  theii 
well-known  dull  aches  and  persistent  pain.  Sciatica  am 
neuritis  occur  when  penetrating  crystals  of  uric  acid  bon 
their  way  through  the  delicate  nerve  sheaths,  and  pierc< 
like  hot  needles  the  most  sensitive  of  all  structures.  Goutj 
eczema  is  the  result  of  uric  acid  in  the  skin  ;  whilst  kidnri 
stone  and  gravel  are  solid  concretions  of  uric  acid. 

THE   SUBJUGATION   OF   URIC    ACID. 

The  only  way  to  prevent  or  relieve  gouty  suffering  is  eithei 
to 'check  the  over-formation  and  retention  of  uric  acid,  01 
to  remove  it  completely  if  an  excess  already  exists 
By  common  consent  Bishop's  Varalettes  are  the  one  remed) 
which  'fulfil  these  conditions  completely.  They  are  com 
posed  of  the  most  powerful  uric  acid  solvents  and  eliminant! 
known.  They  are  the  o.ne  rational  remedy  for  all  uric  acic 
disorders.  . 

As  the  uric  acid  is  cleared  out  of  the  system  by  Bishop's 
'Yaralettes,  gouty  pains  gradually  diminish,  inflammatioi 
is  dispersed,  swellings  subside,  and  stiff  joints  and  muscle; 
regain  their  suppleness  and  freedom  from  inflammation. 

Bishop's  Varalettes  are  perfectly  harmless.  They  contak 
no  colchicum,  mercury,  potash,  iodides,  salicylates,  or  othei 
poisonous  or  harmful  drugs.  They  do  not  depress  the  heari 
or  the  nervous  system,  and  have  no  lowering  effects. 

DIET  PROBLEMS    OF    THE    GOUTY. 

The  selection  of  suitable  articles  of  diet  for  the  gouty  i 
usually  perplexing.  That  no  Spartan  restrictions  or  severe 
self-denial  are  necessary  will  be  gathered  from  a  booklei 
recently  published  containing  full  information  on  thi; 
puzzling  problem.  In  the  booklet  will  be  found  classifies 
lists  of  permissible  foods  affording  a  variety  free  from  al 
monotony,  sufficiently  dainty,  appetising,  and  nutritious  t< 
satisfy  the  most  capricious,  and  yet  quite  free  from  gout 
provoking  properties.  It  also  describes  the  chief  uric  aci( 
disorders,  gives  directions  for  their  treatment,  and  mus 
prove  of  great  interest  and  value  to  all  gouty  subjects. 

A  copy  will  be  sent  free  on  application  to  the  sole  maker 
of  Bishop's  Varalettes,  Alfred  Bishop,  Ltd.,  Manufacturinj 
Chemists  (est.  1857),  48,  Spelman  St.,  London,  N.E. 

Please  ask  for  Booklet  S. 

RUhrm'x  Vnralettes  are  sold  bv  all  chemists  in  vials  at  is. 


XV11I 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI— JULY  19,  1911. 


Htt.v 


// 

J^5> 


OT_^_I/X: 


f 

QRKER.C:R£tRtO>i 


HOLLY 

li«tt«tosiWiinti 

C"«W»i 

MITCHELL  &C0; 


CORBETT'S 


itoSHWmSKV! 


mmm 


^s 


Ireland's  Four 
Guaranteed 
Whis  k  ies 

All  branded  with  the  Veritor  label 
— the  label  which  is  a  guarantee 
of  the  very  highest  standard  of 
quality  in  Irish  Whiskey. 

This  label  on  a  bottle  of  Irish 
Whiskey  is  an  absolute  assur- 
ance that  the  distillation,  maturing 
and  bottling  has  been  accom- 
plished for  a  perfected  product. 
Each  and  every  one  of  the  four 
Whiskies  advertised  here  retains 
its  individual  charm  and  dis- 
tinctive flavour,  but  the  Veritor 
label  on  the  bottle  is  your 
guarantee  of  quality  and  your 
protection  against  substitution. 

UNLESS  YOU  SEE  THE  VERITOR 
LABEL  YOU  CANNOT  BE  SURE 
THAT  YOU  ARE  GETTING 
IRELAND'S  BEST. 


jtfffwo^ 

A   r\  *ft 

-WHISKY^ 

(ATOv/UWuS 
"•^ S5^ 


J^'AiUuto  I7&2    „«< 
.  ,.....-.i nlwv 


£ 


tui 


PAMROCK 

Wliiskey 


HOLL 

"Whiskey 


>  \^vr'  •    ^         •• 

W_    fM  :         - 

Wliiske 


en  tor 


^^^^^^S^SWMoacvwTOKOjaNjS 

Ihe  quality  of  this  Whiskeu 


is  Guaranteed  i 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIF.  LONDON  CMAKIVARI,  JL  v  19,  1911. 


I  9O I  

ND  so  we  arc  come  to  the  last  decade  of  the  seven, 
when   Mr.   Punch   and   the    world   began   the   New 
Century.     If    the    ten    years  had    to  be    described 
swiftly  they  might  be  called,  for  England  as  a  whole,  the 
era   of   universal    golf,  of  bridge   and  motoring,  of    suffra- 
gettes   and    flying.      Golf,     of    course,    had    long    been     a 
fashion,   but  it  was   only  now  that  not  to  play  it  put  one 
outside  the  pale. 

The  period  produced  no  inventions  to  benefit  the  world 
on  the  scale  of  the  telephone,  the  bicycle  and  the  camera  j 
and  giants  were  few  in  the  land.  London,  however,  owes 
to  the  ingenuity  of  these  years  her  many  tubes  and  more 
taxis. 

The  dawn  of  1901  found  England  pulsating  with  ping- 
pong;  while  1910  closed  amid  chatter  as  to  the  merits  and 
demerits  of  the  harem  skirt.  In  1901  the  devastating  rule 
of  the  imported  nouveau  art  was  powerful;  in  1910  life-long 
intimacies  were  being  shattered  over  the  claims  of  Gauguin 
and  Matisse  to  be  considered  masters. 


Japan,  the  conquering,  gave  us  Jiu-jitsu  in  the  early  years 
of  the  century,  and  about  the  same  time  "  rotten  "  and 
"  ripping  "  became  daily  flowers  of  speech.  Throughout 
the  decade  attempts  by  swimmers  on  the  Channel  were 
being  made,  but  no  one  could  equal  Captain  \Yebb's  feat  of 
1875- 

The  crowded  tubes  led  to  the  precarious  necessity  of  strap- 
hanging,  and  by  1907  (as  foreseen  by  Mr.  Punch  in  the 
forties)  the  taxi  was  with  us  and  the  knell  of  the  cab-horse 
had  sounded,  although  a  few  hansoms  and  growlers  still 
struggle  on. 

Ping-pong's  fierce  short  vogue  in  the  beginning  of  the 
decade  was  hardly  shorter  or  fiercer  than  that  of  diabolo  in 
the  middle,  when  there  also  set  in  that  admirable  fashion  for 
pageants  which  fostered  so  much  local  patriotism  and  taught 
so  much  history. 

And  so  Mr.  Punch  enters  his  eighth  decade  on  July  :?, 
1911,  and  what  that  will  bring  forth,  who  knows?  We  can 
but  wait  and  see. 


62 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


I 
£      • 


Johnnie  (to  waiter).  "  Aw — YOU'RE  THE  BOSS— HEAD 
WAITER,  EH?"  Waiter.  "  YESSIR." 

Johnnie.  "  AH,  WELL,  JUST — AH — SEND  UP  TO  YOUR 
orchestra  chaps,  AXD  TELL  'EM  I  REALLY  CAN'T  EAT  MY 

DINNER    TO    that    TUNE." 


A   QUESTION  OF   TASTE. 

Liz   (to   Emily).     "  MIND   YER,   IT'S   ALL   ROK.HT   so   FUR   AS  IT 
GOES.     ALL  I   SEZ  is,  IT   WANTS  A  FEWER  OR  TWO,  OR  A  BIT  o' 

PLUSH  SOMEVVHARES,   TO  GIVE  IT   WHAT   I    CALL  StOy/C  I" 


Excited  \'oung  Lady.    "  FATHER,  DIRECTLY  THIS  SET  is  OVER  GET  INTRODUCED  TO  THE  LITTLE  MAN  BY  THE  FIRE-PLACE,  AND  MAKE 

HIM   COME   TO  OUR  PARTY   ON   TUESDAY." 

Her  Father.     "  CERTAINLY,  MY  DEAR,  IF  YOU  WISH  IT.     BUT — ER— HE'S  RATHER  A  SCRUBBY  LITTLE  PERSON,  ISN'T  HE?" 
E.  V.  L.     "  FATHER,  DO  YOU  KNOW  who  HE  is?     THEY  TELL  ME  HE'S  THE  AMATEUR    PiNG-Poxr.  CHAMPION   OF   PECKHAM  !     I 
DON'T  SUPPOSE  HE'LL  PLAY;  BUT,  IF  YOU  CAN  GET  HIM  JUST  TO  LOOK  IN,  THAT  WILL  BE  something!" 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July   19,   1911. 


"ONLY   TWO   FEET   AT  THE    WINDOW." 

{Old  Song  adapted.) 

Milkman  (aghast,  anxiously).     "  HULI.O  !     WOT'S  THAT?" 
Old    Woman.     "  HISII  !     OUR  LODGER,  JUST  COME.     OPKN-AIR  CURE  !' 


CROWD6D  OUT. 

Stage-struck    Coster   (to   his   dark-coloured   donkey).     "  OTHELLO,    OTH::LLO,   your   OCCUPATION    'LL   soos   BE   GONE  !' 


'4 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July   19,   1911. 


LITTLE   ONES. 


THE    SUFFRAGETTE    THAT    KNEW   JIU-JITSU. 

THE  ARREST. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


Old  Farmer   Worsell  (who  believes  in  the  principle  of  "Bad:  to  the  Land,"  and  is  experimenting  with  unemployed 
from  London).     "  Now  THEN,  YOUNG  FELLER,  'o\v  LONG  ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  BE  WITH  THAT  THERE  MILK?" 

Young  Feller.    "  I  CAUNT  'ELP  IT,  GUV'NOR.     I  BIN  WATCHIN'  'ER  'ARF  AN  HOUR,  AND  SHE  AIN'T  LAID  ANY  TIT  1" 


(in   first-class    compartment,    to   firsi-clast 
f».-.^.n^cr).    "  I    SAY,    GUV'NOR,  ;ANG   ON   TO   THIS    'BRB 

CTBAP  A    MI.NUTE,    WILL  VER,    WHILE   I   GET  A  UGHT?" 


Weneh.    "  Do  YOU  PAJ  MUCH?    I  WAS  WONDERING  IF  IOU'D  uttr 

VS  AT  PlPLEY  LATER  ON." 

Varlet.      "  MY    DEAR   LADY,    I'M   ABSOLUTELY    BOOKED   UP   FOR   TH1 

SEASON.     LET'S  SEE.     I'M  OLIVER  CROMWELL  AT  LAND'S  END  on 
FRIDAY  ;  Tnus  GATES  IN  THE  ISLE  OF  MAN  OK  THE  IOTH  ;  AND 
ETBELKSB  TIII   UNRKAUY  u»   SHETLAND.    SORRY.    No  GO. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


THF   CARAVAN  CRAZE. 

SCENE  is  A  LONELY  PART  OF  THI;  HIGHLANDS. 


THE  CHANNEL  SW1MMINQ  CRAZE. 


OPENING  DAY  OF  THE  NEW  WORKMEN'S  COMPENSATION  ACT. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  19H, 


67 


THE   DIABOLO  CRAZE. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


THE  HAPPY  CHANCE. 

Chorus  o/  Moating  Birds.    "  COME  ON,  BOVS,   THIS  SPECUL'S  coixo  DUB  SOUTH  ! 


•-A: 


SOCIETIES  WE  ADM1WE  BUT  DO  NOT  BELONG  TO. 

THB  ASSOCIATION  FOR  THE  REVIVAL  or  CLASSICAL  DANCING. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,   1911. 


OEMS   OF    LANGUAGE. 

Ethel.    "  WELL,  GRAN,  WE'VE  HAD  A  TOPPING  CAME.     THE  OTHER  SIDE  WERE  BALLY  ROTTEN  AT  THE  START,  BUT 

THEY   HUCKED  UP  NO  END,  AND   WE  HAL'  A   BIT  OF  A  JOB  TO   LAY    *EM   OUT." 

Di.     "  OH,  I  DON'T  KNOW.     I  THOUGHT  THEY  WERE  THE  MOST  PIFFLING  CREW  OK  FOOTI.ERS  I'D  EVER  STRUCK.     \\'R 

WERE   SIMPLY   ALL  OVER    'EM,    AND   HAD    'EM   IN   THE   CART   IN   NO  TIME." 


STUDY  SHOWING  HOW  ONLY  THE  WILLOWY  TYPE  is  I.  -.ELY  TO  SURVIVE  THE  STRESS  OF  MODERN  TRAI  ric. 


7° 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911, 


BANG  WENT  TUPPENCE. 


Frugal    Kortli    Briton    (his   first   experience    of   a    taxi).     "HERE,    MAN,    STOP  1 

I    CANNA    STAND    THAT    HANO'l    WEE    MACHINE    O*    YOURS   ItAKKIN*   UP  THAE  TUPPENCES. 


IIAE     A     WEAK     HEART. 


THE   METCHNIKOFF  MOVEMENT. 

Crani-Vncle  (to  Nephew -Vho  has  dutifully  come  to  enquire  after   M,   health). 
VF.LT  BKTTKR  IN    MY   I.IKE.      You'vE  JUST   COME   AT  THE   RIGHT   MOMENT.      WE  RE  HAVING  A 


NEVER. 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


THE  NEW  SKIRT  AND  THE  POETRY  OF  MOTION. 

Edith  (breaking  into  a  /.o/>).     "  HI-RRY  t-p,  MABEL  ;  YOU'LL  never  CATCH  THE  TRAIN  IF  YOU  KEEP  ox  TRYING  TO  RUN." 


THE  DAY  OF  THE  SHORT  MAN. 


THF.  SEX    QUESTION. 

(A  STUDY  IN  BOND  STREET.) 


Punch,  or  the  London  Charivari,  July  19,  1911. 


r      To   Mr.  PUNCH 
On  His  Three=Score=and=Tenth  Birthday 

July  17,  1911. 


As  high  Athene,  helmed  and  speared, 

From  Zeus's  cranium  sprang  to  birth, 
So  on  a  sudden  you  appeared, 

A  finished  masterpiece  of  mirth; 
Prodigious  from  your  infant  stages, 

Mature  in  wisdom  as  in  art, 
At  once  you  joined  the  roll  of  sagei, 

A  child  in  nothing  but  your  hearc. 


And,  lest  the  moment's  passing  show 

Make  us  forget  how  Folly's  game 
Moves  with  the  wheeling  cycle's  flow 

And,  changing  still,  is  still  the  same, 
We  sample  here  your  tomes  that  slumber 

In  light  repose  upon  the  shelf, 
And  in  his  special  Birthday  number, 

Like  history,  Punch  repeats  himself, 


You  held  a  mirror  up  to  life 

In  whose  reflection,  clear  and  clean, 

The  world  and  (what  was  more)  his  wife 

••Might  see  themselves  as  they  were  seen; 

Gently  you  mocked  the  vogues  and  crazes 
By  which  the  freaks  of  Fashion  swore, 

And  showed  her  newest-fangled  phases 
Foolish  as  any  gone  before. 


And  we,  whom  love  and  honour  bind 

To  keep  the  old  traditions  bright, 
Mediums  of  your  informing  mind, 

Fain  to  interpret  you  aright — 
This  resume  of  modes  and  mariners 

Our  hands  have  ordered,  Mr.  P., 
And  set  it  up,  a  string  of  banners, 

To  mark  your  Radium  Jubilee! 


And  not  alone  the  instant  hour 

You  captured  ere  its  spell  was  fled; 
You  had  the  seer's  peculiar  dower, 

The  gift  of  seeing  on  ahead ; 
Through  virgin  woods  untouched  of  axes 

You  gazed  as  o'er  an  open  plain : 
You  saw  that  men  would  ride  in  taxis 

And  voyage  through  the  vast  inane. 


For  now  your  years,  three-score-and-ten, 

Fulfil  (to  take  the  Psalmist's  view) 
The  span  assigned  to  common  men, 

Though  no  such  limits  hamper  you; 
So  may  you  fare  through  countless  ages 

As  one  on  whom  the  stars  have  smiled, 
Still  carrying  high  your  head,  a  sage's, 

Your  heart,  the  heart  of  just  a  child. 

O.  S. 


JULY  26,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


to  the  needs  of  the  heathen."  The 
donors  ought  certainly  to  have  attached 
trousers  to  the  buttons. 

*  * 

"  MILK  SHORTAGE. 

EESULT  OF  THE  DRY  WEATHEB." 

We  don't  like  the  sound  of  this.     It  is 

not  pleasant  to  think  that,  the  more 

water  there  is,  the  more  milk. 


During   the  heat   snap   the 
ing   petulant  notice  appeared 


CHARIVARIA. 

Renter  informs  us  that  part  of  the 
expedition  which  was  got  ready  by 
the  Persian  Government  to  oppose  the 
ex-Shah  consisted  of  "  500  reformed 
cavalry."  Men,  we  take  it,  who  no 

longer  swear  like  troopers. 
*,* 

The    L.C.C.   statistics    for   1909-10 
show  that  the  Council's  cars  carried 
211,046,384  penny  fares.andl  12,803,105 
halfpenny    fares.     We    pre- 
sume  that  now  that  it  has 
been  demonstrated  that  the 
penny  fares  are  more  popular 
than  the  halfpenny  ones,  the 

latter  will  be  abolished. 

*  * 
* 

Fanny's  First  Play  has 
now  passed  its  100th  per- 
formance. Not  a  bad  record 

for  a  first  attempt. 

*  * 

Unemployed  actors  and 
actresses  will  be  glad  to  hear 
that  relief  works  on  a  vast 
scale  are  in  preparation.  In 
Professor  BEINHARDT'S  dra- 
matic spectacle  at  Olympia 
work  will  be  found  for  no  fewer 
than  2,000  persons,  while 
Mr.  MARTIN  HABVEY  will 
have  a  stage  crowd  of  50C» 
in  his  production  of  CEdipus 

Bex.  *  * 

* 

A  large  rattle-snake  was  re- 
ported to  have  escaped,  the 
other  day,  from  Bostock's 
Jungle,  a  reward  of  £25  being 
offered  to  any  person  return- 
ing it  alive,  and  there  was 
scarcely  one  of  us  who  did  not 
make  a  careful  search  hi  his 
salad  before  eating  the  same. 

"V" 

Some  papers  have  no  luck. 
In  a  paragraph  of  twelve  lines 
concerning  Captain  ADRIAN 
JONES'S  statuary  for  the  arch 
at  the  top  of  Constitution 
Hill,  The  Evening  Times 
referred  to  it  once  as  "  The  Quadragi,"  j  British  Weekly  :  — "  Contributors  are 
once  as  "  The  Quadrag,"  and  only  once  particularly  requested  not  to  send 

verses.    They  are  not  wanted  in  any 
circumstances,  and  cannot  be  printed, 


The  poet  continues: — 

"  And  I  remember  like  yesterday 
The  earliest  Cockney  who  came  my  way, 
When  he  pushed  through  the  fort-it  that 
lined  the  Strand  .  .  .  ." 

So  the  forest  of  Aldwych  is  evidently 
older  than  \vo  had  imagined. 


YOU    SHOULD   SEE   ANY    LITTLE    THINO    YOU   WANT    IN    THAT   PET 
OLD  CURIOSITY   SHOP  OF  YOURS,   BUY   IT  NOW. 


TO-MORROW   MAY   BE 
QUICKLY  NOWADAYS. 


TOO   LATE.     NEIGHBOURHOODS   CHANGE 


as  "  The  Quadriga." 


"  There  is,"  says  a  contemporary, 
"  a  mysterious  absence  of  common 
house-flies  from  London  this  summer." 
The  refined  house-flies  are  having  it 
all  their  own  way. 

*  * 

"  Several  anonymous  contributions 
of  buttons  have  been  received,"  states 


acknowledged,  or  returned." 
#  * 


in 


Says     the    Eiver  "Thames 
KIPLING'S  History  Book : — 

"I  remember  the  bat- winged  lizard-birds, 
The  Age  of  Ice  and  the  mammoth  herds, 
And  the  giant  tigers  that  stalked  them  down 
Through  Regent  s  Park  into  Camden  Town." 

the    Parish    Magazine    of    St.   Paul's  It  is  good  to  think  that  nowadays  the 

Church,  Yarmouth,  "  and  we  are  still  tigers,  though  still  in  Regent's  Park, 

wondering   how  to  use  these  gifts  as,  are  so  well  looked  after  that  Camden 

from  obvious  reasons,  they  are  unsuited  Town  can  sleep  comfortably  at  nights. 


"MB.  WILLIAM  ARCHI-:R 
RUN  DOWN  BY  A  WAHSIIIP," 
follow-  reports  The  Daily  Chronicle.      It  was, 
in  The  j  it  seems,  an  American  warship,   ami 
presumably  Mr.  AHCHKB  had 
been  criticising  adversely  an 
American  play. 


At  the  duel  between 
M.  HENBY  BEHNSTKIN  and 
M.  GUSTAVB  TfiRY  neither 
combatant  was  hit,  but  one 
of  the  photographers  had  a 
narrow  escape  from  being 
shot.  It  is  thought  that  as 
a  result  of  this  the  Press 
may  give  the  cold  shoulder 
to  duels,  which  will  then  die 

a  natural  death. 

*  * 

Two  advertisements  from 
The  Morning  Post  of  the 
14th  inst. : — 

"Small  Fox  Terrier  lost  in  Camp- 
den Hill Anyone  returning 

s-inie  to  Moray  Lodge,  Campden 
Hill,  will  be  rewarded." 

"White  Kitten  lost  in  vicinity 

of  Campden  Hill Anyone 

returni'ig  same  to  Moray  Lodge, 
Campa'eu  Hill,  will  be  rewarded.1' 

Surely    this    points    to    an 

elopement  ? 

*  * 

Some  surprise  is  being  ex- 
pressed by  ill-informed  per- 
sons because  the  Universal 
Races  Congress  is  not  being 
held  in  the  Stadium  at  Shep- 
herd's Bush. 

Says  The  Evening  Times, 
describing  a  certain  cricket 
match  :  —  "  Strudwick  and 
Hitch,  the  last  man,  strug- 
gled whole-heartedly  for  runs, 
and  most  certainly  pleased  the  crowd 
more  than  all  the  other  spectators  put 
together."  We  ourselves  always  re- 
gard the  batting  of  spectators  with 
indifference. 


"On  the  first  evening  the  hostess  generally 
accompanies  the  ladies  to  their  rooms  to  sec  if 
they  have  everything  they  require ;  if  not. 
good-nights  are  said  when  they  have  reached 
the  head  of  the  staircase.  "—Queen. 

Hostess.  "  Have  you  everything  you 
require  ?  " 


Mr. 


Guest.  "No." 
Hostess  (at  head  of  staircase). 
good-night,  dear." 


•Then 


M.      <"Vr  T 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  26,  1911. 


A    RUN    ON    THE    ELIBVNK. 

[From  the  Post-bag  of  the  Chief  Ministerial  Whip.] 
DEAR  MAS  FEU  or  ELIBANK, — Nobody  who  calls  himself 
a  Radical  and  a  gentleman  would  for  one  moment  think 
of  pressing  his  own  claim  to  a  place  among  tha  500  ;  and 
naturally  i  have  no  desire  for  any  reward  but  that  of 
a  good  conscience.  It  is  permissible,  however,  to  call 
your  attention  to  the  overwhelming  claims  of  Robert 
Bilton,  who  fought  so  strenuously,  though  without  suc- 
cess, for  the  good  cause  in  Birchester,  East.  My  own 
hard-fought  contest  in  a  neighbouring  division  gave  me 
the  opportunity  of  observing  his  loyally,  his  disinterested- 
ness and  his  considerable  wealth.  He  lias,  of  course,  no 
idea  that  I  am  writing  to  you  on  his  behalf. 

Yours  faithfully,        JOSEPH  BULPEE. 

DEAR  MASTER  OF  ELIBANK, — I  hope  I  am  too  true  a 
Liberal  to  be  suspected  of  any  desire  to  advance  my  own 
claim  to  a  place  among  the  500.  But  I  have  it  on  my  heart 
to  call  your  attention  to  the  exceptional  merits  of  Joseph 
Bulper,  who  fought  so-well,  though  without  good  fortune,  to 
capture  the  Tory  stronghold  in  Birchester,  West.  My  own 
similar  contest  in  a  neighbouring  constituency  afforded  m^ 
a  chance  of  recognising  his  high  character  and  generous 
temperament.  Loyal,  disinterested,  and  extremely  affluent, 
he  is  the  very  type  that  you  need  for  the  purification 
of  the  House  of  Peers.  I  may  add  that  I  am  writing 
without  his  knowledge. 

Yours  faithfully,         ROBERT  BILTON. 

DEAR  MASTER  OF  ELIBANK, — Though  at  one  time  it 
seemed  almost  too  absurdly  good  to  be  true,  it  looks,  after 
all,  as  if  your  list,  of  prospective  Peers,  among  whom  I 
have  the  honour  of  being  included,  may  not  bave  been 
made  in  vain.  Most  of  the  Unionist  organs  are  playing 
magnificently  into  our  hands.  But  I  confess  that  I  had  a 
moment's  disquietude  on  :being  shown  by  a  Tory  friend  a 
letter  that  he  had  received  from  another  Tory.  It  is  so 
exceptionally  intelligent  that  I  quote  it  to  you: — 

"If  the  Peers,"  it  says,  "take  the  advice  of  the  more 
hysterical  Tory  prints,  they  will  be  falling  straight  into 
the  trap  which  the  Radicals  have  laid  for  them,  just  as 
they  fell  when  they  threw  out  the  Budget.  '  No  surren- 
der !  Be  true  to  yourselves !  Noblesse  oblige  ! ' —  you  know 
the  silly  jargon.  They  are  inciting  the  Peers  to  bring 
permanent  dishonour  and  ridicule  on  their  Order,  just  for 
the  sake  of  enjoying  the  credit  of  a  little  cheap  courage. 
The  House  of  Lords  would  never  recover  from  the 
contempt  into  which  it  would  be  brought  by  this  influx 
of  590  climbers  from  heaven  knows  where.  And  what 
will  become  of  the  reforms  faintly  adumbrated  in  the 
Preamble  ?  Why  should  a  Liberal  Government  trouble 
about  the  reconstruction  of  a  House  in  which  they  would 
then  have  a  majority  ?  The  Tories  didn't  when  they  had 
the  chance. 

"  I  am  sick  of  all  this  slush  about  fighting  in  the  last 
ditch.  If  you  know  that  you  have  to  bow  to  the  inevitable, 
what  is  there  so  heroic  about  a  last  ditch?  Why  not 
do  your  bowing  with  a  good  grace  in  the  last  ditch  but 
one? 

"  So  far  the  Peers  have  been  scrupulously  reasonable  in 
their  amendments,  and  history  will  so  judge  them.  But  I 
give  nothing  for  their  position  in  history  or  anywhere  else 
if,  for  the  sake  of  a  tawdry  exhibition  of  what  is  known  as 
British  grit,  but  would  actually  be  nothing  better  than  a 
childishly  impotent  act  of  bravado,  they  brought  eternal 
ridicule  on  their  House  and  Order." 

This  letter,  as  I  say,  gave  me  a  moment's  disquietude, 
but  1  tell  myself  that  it  is  only  a  rare  case  of  wisdom 


crying  out  among  a  multitude  of  fools.  You  will,  I  am 
sure,  do  your  best  to  encourage  the  noisy  jingoism  of  the 
Tory  Press. 

Yours,  in  the  sanguine  hope  that  the  Peers  will  once 
more  fall  into  our  trap,  THEOPHILUS  GOLDBERG. 

DEAR  MASTER  OF  ELIBANK, — It  has  been  pointed  out  in 
the  Tory  Press  that  the  list  of  new  Peers  to  be  created  for 
the  express  purpose  of  passing  the  Parliament  Bill  through 
an  unreforrned  Second  Chamber  will  be  greeted  throughout 
the  country  with  a  howl  of  derision.  I  am  prepared  to 
face  that  music.  The  spirit  of  patriotism  which  animates 
me  can  perhaps  best  be  expressed  in  the  form  of  poetry; 
and  I  have  pleasure  in  appending  the  following  lines : — 

There  was  a  time  when  Liberal  seers 

Clamoured  aloud  for  this  agendum— 
To  take  the  hopeless  House  of  Peers 

And  (as  they  put  it)  end  or  mend  'em ; 
Our  stalwarts  took  a  solemn  oath 

Thus  to  conclude  a  tedious  matter, 
To  excavate  the  cankerous  growth 

And  cure  or  kill — for  choice,  the  latter. 

But  now  we  know  a  better  way, 

A  milder,  more  polite  solution  ; 
"  Let  us  beware,  dear  friends,"  we  say, 

"  Of  tampering  with  the  Constitution  ; 
The  thing  is  really  sound  enough  ; 

All  this  hereditary  rot  '11 
Be  stopped  if  we  but  pour  new  stuff 

Into  the  ancient  vintage  bottle." 

There  may  be  risks  we  can't  escape ; 

Wines  from  the  back  wood,  old  and  crusted, 
May  ill  combine  with  last  year's  grape, 

The  bottles  may  be  rudely  busted ; 
Yet  count  on  me  for  this  high  end ; 

An  altruist,  devout  and  hearty, 
My  very  blood,  a  fruity  blend, 

I  'd  sacrifice  to  serve  my  Party. 

It  is  not  for  me  to  say  whether  there  are  signs  of  humour 
in  the  above ;  but,  if  you  trace  any,  I  trust  that  it  will  not 
be  a  bar  to  my  inclusion  in  a  list  which  must  have  caused 
you  much  merriment  in  the  making. 

Yours  very  truly,         GRAHAM  GRIMSHAW. 

DEAR  SIR, — -I  thank  you  for  your  letter  of  even  date  in 
which  you  acknowledge  my  offer  of  £5,000  for  a  peerage. 
I  note  your  suggestion  that  some  guarantee  should  be  given 
of  my  intention  to  vote  straight  on  the  Parliament  Bill  and 
so  fulfil  the  purpose  of  my  creation.  I  sha.l  be  happy  to 
deposit  with  you  certificates  of  stock  to  the  value  of  £2,500 
as  security  for  my  good  faith. 

Yours  obediently,        MADINGLEY  GBILLSON. 

DEAR  SIR, — You  have  no  doubt  taken  measures  to  secure 
that  your  new  Peers  shall  vote  straight  on  the  Parliament 
Bill.  But  have  you  taken  similar  measures  with  regard  to 
the  Home  Rule  Bill,  which  is  the  real  object  of  the  present 
Constitutional  changes?  Have  you  ever  sounded  your 
prospective  creations  on  this  subject?  Have  you  sub- 
mitted your  list  for  the  approval  of  Mr.  JOHN  REDMOND? 
If  not,  there  will  be  trouble.  I  write  without  any  ulterior 
motive,  being  solely  concerned  that  your  list  should  be  as 
perfect  as  possible  (humanly  speaking). 

Yours  faithfully,         EBENEZER  HOBBS. 

P.S. — In  my  constituency,  which  by  the  way  has  always 
returned  a  Liberal  by  an  overwhelming  majority,  my  own 
soundness  on  Home  Rule  is  a  matter  of  universal  remark. 

Mr.  Joshua  Jabbercrombie  presents  compliments  to  the 
MASTER  OF  ELIBANK,  and  must  say  that  in  the  present 


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Umpire  (whose  favourite  bowler  1ms  been  knocked  out  of  bounds).   "You  KXOW,  YOUNG  GENTLEMAN,  THAT  WASN'T  A  BAI.I.  TO  HIT.' 
Batsman.   "No?    I  IJESSAY  YOU 'KE'  KIGHT.     IT  DOES  SEEM  TO  HAVE  GIVEN  A  LOT  OF  TKOUBLE." 


congested  state  of  the  Coronet  Market,  he  regards  £5,000 
as  too  high  a  figure  for-  the  Party  Funds  to  demand  as  the 
charge  for  a  Peerage.  He  proposes  to  await  the  promised 
slump  in  prices.  Meanwhile  he  ventures  to  ask  for  in- 
formation on  one  point.  Are  no  Titles  going  to  be  given 
gratis  for  pure  nierit  ?  »»•--' 

.  DEAR  MURRAY, — As  you  know,  I  have  not  the  faintest 
wish  to  become  a  pe3r.  -  Thess  new  titles  only  impress  the ' 
vulgar,  cost  you  a  lot  of  money  at  hotels,  and  make  you 
the  object  of  ridicule  among  your  friends.     But  my  wife, 
the  dearest  of  snobs,  has"workeJ  so  hard  to  make  a  noble-  - 
man  of  me  that  I  cannot  bear  to  have  her  disappointed.     I , 
appeal  therefoie  to  your  well-known  gallantry. 

Yours  sincerely,         BERTRAM  PETER-JONES. 

[NoTE.  In  view  of  a  recent  legal  decision  it  is  perhaps  well  to  say 
that  none  of  the  above  names,  except  that  of  the  MASTER  OF  ELIBANK, 
is  taken  from  life.]  0.  S. 

THE    SWEETS    THAT    CLOYED. 

LOVE,  so  the  experts  have  agreed,  is  blind ; 

If  that  indeed  be  so,  alas  !  for  me 
Who  have  been  forced  by  Fate,  the  cruel-kin:!, 
Reluctantly  to  see. 

My  hopeful  heart,  through  some  myopic  days, 
Ere  that  stern  oculist  had  made  me  whole, 
Daerned  it  had  found,  while  sunning  in  your  praisp, 
In  you  a  sister-soul. 

Then  voicing  you  my  verse,  0  Dorothea, 

My  proud  heart  harboured  not  the  faintest  doubt, 
Nor  ever  dream  ad  you  had  no  least  idea 
What  it  was  all  about. 


And  all  seemod  well  until  relentless  Fate 

Constrained  our  footsteps  to  the  E.A.  show, 
To  rush  and  chatter  at  the  usual  rate 
Through  row  on  weary  row. 

You  "loved  all  Art,"  and  eagerly  embarked 

Upon"  your  task  with  conscientious  bliss, 
Pencilled  and  catalogued,  and  duly  marked 

"  Things  Auntie  mustn't  miss." 
While  I  whose  pen  had  won  your  cherished  praise, 

Full  sweet,  though  somewhat  nsbulous  perhaps, 
Hung  on  your  lips :  whom  would  you  grant  the  bays 

Amongst  these  painter  chaps  ? 
And  thus  you  spake :— "  O'.i,  that 's  sweet,  isn't  it  ? 

"There's  a  sweet  thing ! "  And  still  you  would  repeat — 
"  Look,  this  is  rather,  rather  a  sweet  bit ; 
And  that  on3,  that 's  just  sweet ! ' 

And  so  with  scores— pathetic,  tragic,  droll; 
I  did  my  loyal  be  it  to  deem  you  right, 
But  that  fond  notion  of  a  sister-soul 
Somehow,  alas  !  took  flight. 

And  now,  though  still  you  pour  the  once-loved  meed 
To  cheer  my  Muse,  in  the  old  generous  streams, 
I  feel  as  one  whom  Fate  condemns  to  feed 
Solely  on  chocolate-creams. 

"MALES  ron  ST.  KILDA."— Aberdeen  Err.tiitg 
'  There  's  a  man  wanted  there  I  " 


"The  moralist  may  wonder  whether  Lord  Rosclwry  might  not  have 
proved  a  more  stable  politician  if  lie  had  not  owned  Derby  winn.  i- 

The  Xt'tr. 

Is  "  stable  "  quite  the  mot  juste? 


58 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  26,  1911. 


THE    HOUSE  WARMING. 

III. — UNEXPECTED  GUESTS. 

SOMETIMES  I  do  a  little  work  in  the 
morning.  Doctors  are  agreed  now  that 
an  occasional  spell  of  work  in  the 
mornings  doesn't  do  me  any  harm. 
My  announcement  at  breakfast  that 
this  was  one  of  the  mornings  was 
greeted  .with  a  surprised  enthusiasm 
which  was  most  flattering.  Archie 
offered  me  his  own  room  where  he 
does  his  thinking ;  Simpson  offered  me 
a  nib ;  and  Dahlia  promised  me  a  quiet 
time  till  lunch.  I  thanked  them  all 
and  settled  down  to  work. 

But  Dahlia  didn't  keep  her  promise. 
My  first  hour  was  peaceful,  but  after 
that  I  had  enquiries  by  every  post. 
Blair  looked  in  to  know  where  Myra 
was;  Archie  asked  if  I'd  seen  Dahlia 
anywhere;  and  when  finally  Thomas's 
head  appeared  in  the  doorway  I 
decided  that  I  had  had  enough  of  it. 

"  Oh,  I  say,"  began  Thomas,  "  will 
you  come  and —  but  I  suppose  you  're 
busy." 

"  Not  too  busy,"  I  said,  "  to  spare  a 
word  or  two  for  an  old  friend,"  and  I 
picked  up  the  dictionary  to  throw  at 
him.  But  he  was  gone  before  I  could 
take  aim. 

"  This  is  the  end,"  I  said  to  myself, 
and  after  five  minutes  more  decided  to 
give  up  work  and  seek  refreshment  and 
congenial  conversation.  To  my  surprise 
I  found  neither.  Every  room  seemed  to 
be  empty,  the  tennis  lawn  was  deserted, 
and  Archie's  cricket-hag  and  Simpson's 

folf-clubs  rested  peacefully  in  the  hall, 
omething  was  going  on.  I  went  back 
to  my  work  and  decided  to  have  the 
secret  out  at  lunch. 

"  Now  then,"  I  said,  when  that 
blessed  hour  arrived,  "  tell  rne  about  it. 
You  've  deserted  me  all  morning,  but 
I  'm  not  going  to  be  left  out." 

"  It 's  your  fault  for  shutting  your- 
self up." 

"  Duty,"  I  said,  slapping  my  chest — 
"  duty,"  and  I  knocked  my  glass  over 
with  an  elbow.  "  Oh,  Dahlia,  I  'm 
horribly  sorry.  May  I  go  and  stand 
in  the  corner?  " 

"  Let 's  talk  very  fast  and  pretend  we 
didn't  notice  it,"  said  Myra,  helping 
me  to  mop.  "  Go  on,  Archie." 

"Well,  it's  like  this,"  said  Archie. 
"A  little  while  ago  the  Vicar  called 
here." 

"  I  don't  see  that  that's  any  reason 
for  keeping  me  in  the  background.  I 
have  met  clergymen  before  and  I  know 
what  to  say  to  them." 

"When  I  say  a  little  while  ago  I 
mean  about  three  weeks.  We'd  have 
asked  you  down  for  the  night  if  we'd 
known  you  were  so  keen  on  clergymen. 
Well,  as  the  result  of  that  unfortunate 


visit,  the  school  treat  takes  place  here 
this  afternoon,  and  lorblessme  if  I 
hadn't  forgotten  all  about  it  till  this 
morning." 

"You'll  have  to  help,  please,"  said 
Dahlia. 

"  Only  don't  spill  anything,"  said 
Thomas. 

They  have  a  poor  sense  of  humour 
in  the  Admiralty. 

I  took  a  baby  in  each  hand  and 
wandered  off  to  look  for  bees.  Their 
idea,  not  mine. 

"  The  best  bees  are  round  here,"  I 
said,  and  I  led  them  along  to  the  front 
of  the  house.  On  the  lawn  was  Myra, 
surrounded  by  about  eight  babies. 

"  Two  more  for  your  collection,"  I 
announced.  "  Very  fine  specimens. 
The  word  with  them  is  bees." 

"Aren't  they  darlings?  Sit  down, 
babies,  and  the  pretty  gentleman  will 
tell  us  all  a  story." 

"  Meaning  me  ?  "  I  asked  in  surprise. 
Myra  looked  beseechingly  at  rne  as  she 
arranged  the  children  all  round  her.-  I 
sat  down  near  them  and  tried  to  think. 

"  Once  upon  a  time,"  I  said,  "  there 
was  a — a — there  was  a — was  a — a  bee." 

Myra  nodded  approvingly.  She 
seemed  to  like  the  story  so  far.  I  didn't. 
The  great  dearth  of  adventures  that 
could  happen  to  a  bee  was  revealed  to 
me  in  a  flash.  I  saw  that  I  had  been 
hasty. 

"  At  least,"  I  went  on,  "  he  thought 
he  was  a  bee,  but  as  he  grew  up  his 
friends  felt  that  he  was  not  really  a  bee 
at  all,  but  a  dear  little  rabbit.  His  fur 
was  too  long  for  a  bee." 

Myra  shook  her  head  at  me  and 
frowned.  My  story  was  getting  too 
subtle  for  the  infant  mind.  I  deter- 
mined to  straighten  it  out  finally. 

"  However,"  I  added,  "  the  old  name 
stuck  to  him,  and  they  all  called  him  a 
bee.  Now  then  I  can  get  on.  Where 
was  I  ?  " 

But  at  this  moment  my  story  was 
interrupted. 

"Come  here,"  shouted  Archie  from 
the  distance.  "  You  're  wanted." 

"  I  'm  sorry,"  I  said,  getting  up 
quickly.  "  Will  you  finish  the  story 
for  me  ?  You  'd  better  leave  out  the 
part  where  he  stings  the  Shah  of 
PERSIA.  That 's  too  exciting.  Good- 
bye." And  I  hurried  after  Archie. 

"  Help  Simpson  with  some  of  these 
races,"  said  Archie.  "  He  's  getting 
himself  into  the  dickens  of  a  mess." 

Simpson  had  started  two  races 
simultaneously  :  hence  the  trouble. 
In  one  of  them  the  bigger  boys  had 
to  race  to  a  sack  containing  their 
boots,  rescue  their  own  pair,  put  them 
on,  and  race  back  to  the  starting-point. 
Good.  In  the  other  the  smaller  boys, 


each  armed  with  a  paper  containing  a 
problem  in  arithmetic,  had  to  run  to 
their  sisters,  wait  for  the  problem  to  be 
solved,  and  then  run  back  with  the 
answer.  Excellent.  Simpson  at  his  most 
inventive.  Unfortunately,  when  the 
bootless  boys  arrived  at  the  turning 
post,  they  found  nothing  but  a  small 
problem  in  arithmetic  awaiting  them, 
while  on  the  adjoining  stretch  of  grass 
young  mathematicians  were  trying, 
with  the  help  of  their  sisters,  to  get 
into  two  pairs  of  boots  at  once. 

"  Hallo,  there  you  are,"  said  Simpson. 
"  Do  help  me ;  I  shall  be  mobbed  in 
a  moment.  It 's  the  mothers.  They 
think  (the  whole  thing  is  a  scheme  for 
stealing  their  children's  boots.  Can't 
you  start  a  race  for  them  ?  " 

"  You  never  ought  to  go  about  with- 
out somebody.  Where  's  Thomas  ?  " 

"  He's  playing  rounders.  He  scored 
a  rounder  by  himself  just  now  from  an 
overthrow.  But  we  shall  hear  about 
it  at  dinner.  Look  here,  there 's  a  game 
called '  Twos  and  Threes.'  Couldn't  you 
start  the  mothers  at  that  ?  You  stand 
in  twos,  and  whenever  anyone  stands  in 
front  of  the  two  then  the  person  behind 
the  two  runs  away." 

"  Are  you  sure?  " 

"  What  do  you  mean?  "  said  Simpson. 

"  It  sounds  too  exciting  like  that.  I 
can't  believe  it." 

"  Go  on,  there 's  a  good  chap.  They  '11 
know  how  to  play  all  right." 

"  Oh,  very  well.  Shall  I  ask  them  to 
take  their  boots  off  first  or  not  ?  " 

Twos  and  Threes  was  a  great 
success. 

I  found  that  I  had  quite  a  flair  for 
the  game.  I  seemed  to  take  to  it 
naturally. 

By  the  time  our  match  was  finished 
Simpson's  little  foot-wear  trouble  was 
over  and  he  was  organising  a  grand 
three-legged  race. 

"  I  think  they  are  all  enjoying  it," 
said  Dahlia. 

"  They  love  it,"  I  said ;  "  Thomas  is 
perfectly  happy  making  rounders." 

"But  I  meant  the  children.  Don't 
you  think  they  love  it  too  ?  The  babies 
seem  so  happy  with  Myra." 

"  They're  sweet,"  I  agreed.  "It  was 
as  much  as  I  could  do  to  tear  myself 
away  from  them." 

"  I  hope  they  all  had  enough  to  eat 
at  tea." 

"Allowing  for  a  little  natural  shy- 
ness I  think  they  did  well.  And  I 
didn't  spill  anything.  Altogether  it 
has  been  rather  a  success." 

Dahlia  stood  looking  down  at  the 
children,  young  and  old,  playing  in  the 
field  beneath  her,  and  gave  a  sigh  of 
happiness. 

"  Now,"  she  said,  "  I  feel  the  house 
is  really  warm."  A.  A.  M. 


JULY  26,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Os  THE-AEIIOKASE-BOUTE  BETWEEN  HEN  DON  AND  BKOOKLANDS. 


BEFOEE  THEIR  'TIME. 

THE  discovery  by  a  modern  oculist 
that  the  life-long  eye  trouble  of  Mr. 
PEPYS  not  only  could  have  'easily  been 
put  right  by  proper  glasses  but  was  the 
cause  of  serious  obliquity  of  observa- 
tion has  already  given  historians 
profoundly  to  think.  PEPYS'S  myopia 
made  him  inaccurate  all  through. 
In  other  words,  it  was  not  CHARLES  II. 
and  his  Court  that  were  wrong,  but 
the  diarist.  His  inability  to  see  straight 
has  brought  lasting  infamy  on  one  of 
the  purest  periods  of  English  history. 
NELL  GWYNNE  was  really  a  devout 
Orange  woma,n,all  her  sympathies  being 
in  Holland.  LOUISE  DE  KEROUAILLE 
was  a  riligeuse  of  unusual  attainments. 
CHARLES  himself,  although  no  doubt 
fond  of  female  society,  sought  it 
entirely  for  moral  and  intellectual 
stimulus.  PEPYS,  however,  having 
come  upon  the  scene  too  early  to  be 
fitted  with  such  spectacles  as  are  now 
within  the  reach  of  every  German 
clerk,  saw  wrong,  and  wrote  wrong, 
and  the  gravest  injustice  has  resulted. 

Hard  on  this  staggering  revelation 
comes  another,  even  more  remarkable. 
HENRY  YIII.'s  idiosyncrasies,  it  has 
been  ascertained,  were  due  not  to  any 
depravity  or  self  -  will  of  his  own 
encouragement,  but  wholly  to  sup- 
pressed chilblains,  which,  had  they 
been  taken  in  time  by  modern  medical 
skill,  would  have  quickly  succumbed 
to  treatment.  HENRY  VIII.'s  musical 


accomplishments  are  well  known  and 
have  been'  illustrated  at  his  lectures  by 
Sir  FREDERICK  BRIDGE.  That-  dis- 
tinguished antiquary  has, it  is  rumoured, 
made  this  discovery,  which  will  revolu- 
tionise the  view,  hitherto  taken  by 
most  historians,  of  the  character  of 
that  much-canvassedtaonarch.  From  a 
fragment  of  a  diary  kept  by  the  King 
when  a  boy  of  fifteen, and  now  deciphered 
for  the  first  time,  it  appears  that  his 
lessons  on  the  spinet  were  a  source  of 
great  discomfort  to  him  during  the 
winter  months  owing  to  the  severe 
chilblains  from  which  he  suffered. 
Further  discoveries  point  to  the  fact 
that,  owing  to  the  drastic  treatment 
then  in  vogue,  the  chilblains  were 
driven  into  his  system,  and  in  this 
suppressed  or  cryptic  form  continued 
to  torment  him  at  intervals  throughout 
his  life,  the  accesses  of  the  complaint 
exactly  coinciding  '  with  those  harsh 
and  homicidal  acts  for  which  he  has 
been  so  generally  condemned.  In  fact, 
adapting  the  much-quoted  couplet  of 
Mr.  KIPLING,  we  may  say : — 

"Never  the  stings  of  chilblains  in  his  finger 

joints   awake, 

But  a  wife  is  beheaded  by  Hany  or  a  prisoner 
sent  to  the  stake." 

Had  only  the  resources  of  modern 
medicine  been  available  KING  HENRY 
VIII.,  so  the  eminent  musical  antiquary 
persuasively  argues,  would  not  only  have 
dispensed  with  repeated  divorces,  but 
would  probably  have  been  the  first 
royal  Mormon  and  hexagamist,  and  a 


very  charming  one  to  boot,  affable  and 
considerate  to  all  manner  of  folk.    • 

Again,  the  American  savant,  Dr. 
Cyrus  Earwaker,  fired  by  the  PEPYB 
revelations,  has  been  making  a  study 
of  SUETONIUS,  and  has  discovered  that 
that  biographer,  hitherto  so  respected, 
was  suffering  all  his  life,  unknown  to  the 
rudimentary  medical  profession  then 
available  for  Roman  disorders,  from 
chronic  dyspepsia, which  had  the  effect, 
unobserved  in  that  dark  age,  but  now 
known  to  be  a  common  accompani- 
ment, of  so  distorting  his  brain  that 
no  verity  could  emerge  from  it.  The 
far-reaching  consequences  of  such  a 
malady  will  at  once  spring  to  the 
mind.  It  is,  for  example,  chiefly  upon 
the  testimony  of  SUETONIUS  that  the 
world  has  based  its  low  opinion  of 
NERO.  But,  since  SUETONIUS  was 
doomed  by  his  weakness  to  a  life 
which  may  be  described  as  one  long 
terminological  inexactitude,  it  follows 
|  that  everything  that  he  says  about 
'  NERO  is  wrong.  NERO,  for  instance 
I  (to  take  but  one  case),  so  far  from 
I  fiddling  while  Rome  burned,  was  so 
much  of  a  virtuoso  that  he  burned 
with  impatience  and  irritation  when- 
ever Rome  fiddled.  Had  SUETONIUS. 
Dr.  Earwaker  now  tells  us,  merely  taken 
a  dose  of  Riigen  salts  every  other  morn- 
ing, his  dyspepsia  would  have  vanished 
and  his  writings  be  authentic.  But 
Riigen  salts  were  then  unknown ;  Dr. 
Earwaker  was  unknown ;  and  the  world 
has  been  misled. 


60 


PUNCH,   OR  THE 


[JULY  26,  1911. 


THE   TEIALS   OF   A   WOMAN 
OF   GENIUS. 

III. 

Friday.— Amongst  my  letters  this 
norning  was  one  which  I  confess  gave 
ne  a  thrill  of  satisfaction.  It  ran 

thus : — 

DEAR  MADAM,— As  a  profound  aci- 
ni rer  of  your  poems,  I  should  regard 
it  as  a  sacred  privilege  to  be  allowed  to 
make  your  acquaintance  during  my 
stay  in  the  old  country.  Should  you 
be  visiting  London  during  the  next 
fortnight,  I  should  he  inexpressibly 


Peveril     subsequently     reduces 
to    musical    notation,    and    the 


proud  to  call  upon  you  then ;  otherwise 
I  venture  to  suggest  that  I  should  run 
down  by  train  to  pay  my  respects  to 
the  most  inspired  British  poetess. 
Yours  reverently, 

MIRIAM   STOOKER, 
President  of  the  Semiramis  Club, 

Chicago. 

The  letter  was  dated  from  an  address 
Jermyn  Street  and  written  in  a 
picturesque  handwriting.  I  have  had 
many  appreciative  notices  of  my  poems 
in  the  Press ;  but  until  to-day  no  one 
has  crossed  the  Atlantic  to  see  me. 
It  was  therefore  with  a  certain  amount 
of  pride  that  I  read  the  letter  to  Peter. 
To  my  amazement  he  abstained  from 
any  jocular  or  disparaging  remarks, and 
simply  said,  "You  can't  let  Miriam 
come  all  the  way  from  London  for  an 
afternoon  call.  You  must  ask  her  to 
stop  the  night ;  then  I  can  take  a  day 
off  and  give  her  a  game  of  golf  at 
Huntercombe."  This  was  quite  nice 
of  Peter,  but  I  couldn't  help  asking: 
"  How  can  you  possibly  tell  whether 
she  can  play  golf,  or  would  care  to 
play  with  you?"  "Play  golf?  I 
should  just  think —  Here  Peter 

broke  off  unaccountably  and  then  went 
on,  "  A  girl  with  a  name  like  that  is 
sure  to  be  able  to  hit  a  saucy  bang 
from  the  tee.  Anyhow,  you  send  her 
a  wire  at  once  and  say  I  'm  dying  to 
meet  her  :  '  The  thought  of  you,  dear 
Miriam,  excites  me  to  delirium.'  "  So 
I  wrote  the  telegram.  Peter  went  off 
in  high  spirits,  and  I  settled  down  to  a 
studious  morning,  exhilarated  by  the 
anticipation  of  Miss  Stooker's  visit. 

This  was  my  morning  for  musical 
composition.  Until  lately  I  had 
thought  of  taking  lessons  in  the  tech- 
nique of  composition,  but  WAGNER'S 
example,  as  recorded  in  his  Auto- 
biography, has  proved  them  to  be  un- 
necessary. Teaching,  text-books  and 
exercises  filled  him  with  repulsion  anc 
disgust.  For  him  "  music  was  a 
spirit " :  for  me,  too,  it  shall  be  the 
same.  My  plan  is  very  simple.  I  im- 
provise at  the  pianoforte ;  the  phono- 
graph takes  down  my  inspirations 


Miss 

them    —    

composition  is  then  sent  to  Mr.  Basil 
Urquhart,  Mus.Bac.,  to  revise  the  MS. 
and  prepare  it  for  the  printer.  Just 
now  I  am  engaged  on  six  Miniatures 
entitled  "  Ecstasy,"  "  Exaltation," 
"  Equanimity,  "  Eesignation,"  "  De- 
jection," and  "  Despair."  Mr.  Urquhart 
tells  me  he  thinks  that  M.  Pommeloff 
would  play  them  at  one  of  his  recitals 
if  I  paid  him  a  hundred  guineas ;  but 
Peter  will  not  hear  of  it.  As  lie  put  it, 
"  I  am  still  an  agile  old  antelope,  but 
I  can't  spring  to  that." 

Just  before  lunch  received  a  telegram 
from  Miss  Stooker  :  "  Charmed  to  come 
to-morrow."  In  the  afternoon  prac- 
tised cosmic  gymnastics,  ethical  deep 
breathing,  and  gave  Lilith  her  first 
lesson  in  esoteric  arithmetic.  On  his 
return  Peter  immensely  pleased  to-near. 
Miss  Stooker  is  coming,  and  drank  her 
health  at  dinner. 

Saturday. — Too  unsettled  by  the 
prospect  of  my  visitor  to  do  any  great 
work  this  morning.  Practised  attitudes 
suitable  to  the  reception  of  a  dis- 
tinguished stranger  and  composed  a 
few  deprecatory  remarks.  Had  my 
hair,  done  by  Batesoii  in  the  Greek 


temperature  was  at  once  lowered.  She 
is  a  professional  musician  and  has  been 
studying  at  Vienna.  She  has  been  a 
pupil  of  Max  Reger  and  of  Ravel.  She 
speaks  French,  German  and  Italian 
perfectly.  She  has  composed  an  opera, 
to  a  libretto  of  her  own,  which  has 
been  accepted  at  Weimar.  After  lunch 
she  wished  to  hear  some  of  my  music, 
but  a  wise  instinct  impelled  me  to 
decline,  and  I  got  her  to  play  me  her 
opera  instead.  The  result  was  at  once 
delightful  and  humiliating.  She  plays 
and  sings  divinely ;  her  music  is  extra- 
ordinarily interesting  ;  and  the  whole 
thing  inspired  me  with  a  horrid  mis- 


giving, 
fraud  ? 


Am  I  a  genius  or  a  perfect 
This     astonishing     creature 


style  with  a  pink  fillet,  and  dressed 
Lilith  in  her  white  satin  frock  with 
Afghan  sandals.  I  write  this  on  the 
lawn  where  I  am  awaiting  Miss 
Stooker. 

7  P.M.  This  has  indeed  been  a 
itrange  and  perturbing  experience. 
Dur  guest  arrived  in  the  motor,  which 
"etched  her  from  the  station  in  time 
'or  lunch.  She  is  a  tall  and  striking- 
ooking  young  woman  with  a  rich 
contralto  speaking  voice  and  charming 
nanners.  Her  mode  of  greeting  me 
was  quite  original.  Advancing  across 
;he  lawn,  she  knelt  down  by  my  chair, 
seized  my  hand  and  kissed  it,  saying. 
And  this  is  the  hand  that  wrote 
Spindrift  and  Gossamer.  Oh  joy  un- 
speakable! To  think  that  I  should 
be  allowed  to  gaze  on  the  English 
Corinna."  Her  emotion  drove  all  my 
rehearsed  remarks  out  of  my  head  anc 
could  only  utter  some  commonplac< 
civilities.  At  that  moment  Lilith  cam 
running  out,  and  Miss  Stooker  brok 
into  a  fresh  outburst  of  admiration 
"  Angelic  cherub !  Doth  not  her  brovs 
bespeak  intellect ! "  Then  she  quote< 
something  that  sounded  like  Greek,  an 
I  had  to  pretend  that  I  understood  it 
To  relieve  the  strain  I  suggested  a  turn 
round  the  garden  before  lunch.  But  he 
eulogies  never  ceased.  It  was  a  perfec 
carnival  of  panegyric,  and  more  tha 
once  I  found  myself  blushing  at  th 
exuberance  of  her  praise.  At  lunch 
however,  I  induced  her  to  tell  me  some 
thing  about  herself,  and  my  mora 


knows  ten  times  as  much  as  I  do,  and, 
what  is  worse,  she  can  do  the  things 
splendidly  that   I    have   to   get    other 
people  to  help  me  to  do  indifferently. 
(To  be  continued.) 


BALLADE   OF    THE   FOREST 

IN   SUMMER. 
RA  Cruachan  tae  Aberdeen 

The  hinds  '11  move  their  calfies  soon 
Jp  frae  the  bracken's  bonnie  green 

To  yon  blue  heights  that  float  aboon  ; 

ae  snaws  the  tops  an'  corries  croon  ; 

Crags  whaur  the  eagle  lifts  his  kills 
Blink  i'  the  gowden  efternoon  ; 

It 's  summer  noo  in  a:  the  hills  ! 

The  heather  sleeps  frae  morn  till  e'en 

Braw  in  her  reed-an'-purple  goon  ; 
Sax  weeks  it  wants  or  stags  be  clean 

An'    gang   wi   thickenin"  manes  an' 

broun, 
Waitin'  the  cauld  October  moon 

When  a'  the  roarin'  brae-face  fills — 
Ye've    heard    yon    wild,    wanchancy 
tune  ? 

It 's  summer  noo  in  a'  the  hills ! 

Yet  blaws  a  soupin'  breeze  an'  keen  ; 

We  're  wearit  for  it  whiles  in  toun, 
An'  I  wad  be  whaur  I  hae  been 

In  Autumn's  blast  or  heats  o'  June 
Up  on  the  quiet  forest  groun', 

Friens  wi'  the  sun,   or   shoor   that 

chills, 
Watchin'  the  beasts  gang  up  an'  doon  ; 

It 's  summer  noo  in  a'  the  hills  ! 

ENVOY. 
Mountains  o'  deer,  ye  ca'  a  loon 

Fra  streets  an'  sic-like  stoury  ills 
Wi'  thankfu'  heart  an'  easy  shoon  ; 

It 's  summer  noo  in  a'  the  hills  1 


A  Little-noticed  Feature  of  the 

Coronation. 

"The  Archbishop  of  Canterbury  and  the 
other  bishops  moved  from  the  altar  with  the 
crown,  and  as  the  Archbishop  placed  it  on  thr 
King's  head  all  the  peers  and  kings-ot-anns 
raised  their  cornets  with  both  hands  and  placed 
them  on  their  heads."— JVataZ  Mercury. 


JULY  26,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAIMVAIM. 


01 


-V^»' 

.  -•  ,*•  *  *r  ~/- 

<  ^ 


"Olf,     IF    YOU    PLEASE,     SlR,    WILL    YOU    SEXU    FOB    THE    DOCTOR    AT    OXCE  i       13ABY    HAS    FALLEX    OUT    OF    Ills    COT,    ASK 

Ml.sTHE-S  IS   AFRAID   HE  WOJj'l  GET  OVER   IT." 

The  Colonel  (who  7tos  been  relating  somi  of  tiis  Indian  cxp:riciites  to  a  friend,  and  cannot  at  a  moment's  notice  abandon  the  hero'e  vein), 
"TUT!  TUT!  TELL  YOUR  MISTRES.S  NOT  TO  WORRY  ABOUT  A  LITTLE  TUIXO  LIKE  THAT.  WE  TKESHAM.S  DON'T  DIE  AS  EASILY  A» 
THAT,  YOU  KNOW." 


PULVERISING  THE  PEERS. 
BY  METAPHOB. 

[From  a  torn  manuscript  picked  up  in  Stone- 
cutter Street,  E.G.,  and  evidently  intended  for 
a  Radical  contemporary.] 

WHEN  is  the  curtain  going  to  fall  on 
this  intolerable  farce?  The  first  Act, 
we  confess,  was  amusing  enough,  but 
surely  LANSDOWNE  and  his  wretched 
troupe  of  performing  pierrots  must 
realize  that  an  audience  however  good- 
natured  is  apt  to  get  out  of  hand. 

This  preposterous  horde  of  besotted 
old  gentlemen  has  been  at  the  wickets 
long  enough.  Time  and  again  the 
umpire  has  given  them  out,  but  with 
consummate  insolence  they  refuse  to 
go.  A  way  must  be  found  to  make 
them  go,  and  we  are  in  a  position  to 
say  that  a  way  has  been  found. 

The  two  recent  elections  have  put 
Mr.  ASQUITH  in  the  position  of  two  up. 
He  and  his  team  are  playing  the  game 
of  their  lives.  Their  driving,  approach- 
ing and  putting  are  well-nigh  perfect. 
LANSDOWNE  and  his  horde  of  anti- 
quated foozlers  can  do  nothing  right 


and  have  visited  every  bunker  on  the 
course.  Let  them  beware  of  the 
bunker  guarding  the  18th  green !  The 
race  is  practically  over.  As  we  write, 
our  gallant  leader  is  stroking  his  men 
to  victory.  The  crew  behind  him  is 
full  of  confidence  and  row  as  one  man. 
Three  lengths  behind,  stroke  in  the 
new  "  Referendum  "  boat  is  attempting 
a  final  spurt,  but  the  bloated  lordlings 
are  unable  to  respond  and  are  already 
tasting  the  bitter  cup  of  defeat.  We 
poor,  common,  vulgar  people  can  afford 
to  smile  at  the  tactics  of  these  heredi- 
tary humbugs,  but  checkmate  is  not 
very  far  off  now.  Mr.  ASQUITH  has  the 
game  well  in  hand,  and  can  at  any 
moment  convert  his  past  pawns  into  as 
many  queens  as  he  deems  sufficient. 

The  last  hand  in  the  rubber  has 
been  dealt.  LANSDOWNE  has  declared 
"  No  trumps,"  but  Mr.  ASQUITH  holds 
the  four  aces,  and  if  these  are  not  suffi- 
cient as  many  more  as  are  required  will 
be  forthcoming. 

The  lords  remind  us  of  nothing  so 
much  as  a  lot  of  loutish  children 
playing  at  "  Last  across."  It  is  a 


dangerous  game,  and  the  motor-car 
invariably  claims  its  victim  in  the  end. 
In  a  Rugby  match  the  spectators 
weary  of  too  much  kicking.  The 
Parliament  Bill  has  been  kicked  about 
jlong  enough.  Mr.  ASQUITH  has  got 
the  ball  at  last,  and  we  shall  be  surprised 
if  he  does  not  ground  it  In-hind  the  posts 
this  time.  We  feel  assured  that  the 
try  will  be  converted  and  .... 


"Some  of  the  Nottingham  visitors  last  week 
were  so  pleased  with  Trinity  Cliurrh  th.it  thry 
took  away  samples  of  the  varuish  on  tln-ir 
clothes." 

"  Some  of  the  recent  visitors  to  BntinaOM 
were  so  pleased  with  one  of  tin-  I'hinvlifs  nt  tin- 
town  that  they  took  away  samples  of  the  varnish 
on  their  clothes." — Hunts  County  .\ 

It 's  a  good  joke,  and  we  shall  look 
forward  to  some  more  of  it  next  week. 
Its  possibilities  have  by  no  means 
been  exhausted. 


"RECORD  AT  EDINBURGH.  The  seismograph 
at  the  Royal  Observatory,  Edinburgh,  recorded 
a  slight  earthquake  shock."— Srotsni",i. 

'  Congratulations.    We  hope  the  thernao- 
meter  works  all  right  too. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[JULY  23,  1911. 


Sandy.  "LosH  ME! 


J.',  WHAT  ' 

DOES   NAETHING   BUT  HUNT   FOXES  ; 
IT   MAUN   BE   A   FINE   TRADE   DOON   THERE." 


-   ,  M     •     .----..<  — 

TIE   WHEN    HE  8   AT   HAME?  ••>     -   ,, 

'    .    „ 

SAXTY   DOGS   AND  TWKK   HOMES   FOR  T. 


LINES  TO  A  STATUE  AT  LEEDS. 

EDWARD  the  Black  Prince  (and  I  do  not  wonder, 
In  this.  dark  haunt  of  misery  and  gloom,        « 
Where  everything's  black  as  .skies  thjat  thunder, 
And  greatly  needing  your  .ancestral  broom),  v  : 
EDWARD,  I  say,  look  down  upon  'my  woes, 
Stop  pointing  at  the  square  with  hand  and  toes, 
And  tell,  me  w.hy.pn  .earth  they  want  to;close.  .  ,'i 
Their,  r_ail  way 


Did  you  imagine  when  you  fought  at  Cre9y, 

And  gave  the  chivalry  of  France  a  shock,  .  ,  ^ 

And  won  ttwse''spurs"thaTmake'yQu  IbJJk  so  dressy, 
Hewn  out  of  silent  stone  by  Mr.  BROCK, 
That  ever  Englishman  on  English  strand, 
After  the  fights-you  fought,  the  deeds  you  planned, 
Would  feel  so  empty  just  about  the  band 
At  half-past  four  o'clock  ? 

At  half-past  four  A.M.     There  sits  the  trouble  ; 

And  ninety  minutes  ere  my  train  is  due, 
And  both  my  eyes  fulfilled  with  Yorkshire  rubble, 
Watching  the  grey  dawn  brighten  into  blue. 
On  lingering  feet  the  leaden  moments  run, 
O'er  the  grim  town  another  day's  begun, 
And,  EDWAFD,  I  should  like  a  currant  bun, 
And  cannot  get  it.     Ugh  ! 

Victor  of  Poictiers—  born  in  1330 

(I  get  these  items  from  a  graven  scroll)— 


Could  you  have  seen  a  bard,  so  faint  and  dirty, 

Come  from  so  far,  so  distant  from  his  goal, 
I.,.    .  O  flower  of  courtesy,  O  perfect  knight, 
.  Upholder  of  the  People  and  their  Right, 

And  not  have  helped  him,  say,  with  just  a  bite 
-H.  Out  of  a  breakfast-roll  ? 

No ;  yet  in  1911 

So  little  is  your  life-work  understood       ... 
'That  hapless  wayfarers,  may  shriek  to  heaven 
For  sandwiches,  arid  do  no  earthly  good. 

Now,  when  the  latest  Prince  who  bears  your  name 
Is  called  of  Wales  and  feels  his  fathers'. lajne, 
.  .,-,  rT^g  C0untfy:that  you  loved' permits  this  shame; 
Where,  where  is  knightlihood  ? 

When  I  survey  your  monumental  figure 

And  feel  ;the  hollow -where  my  own  has  shrank, 
Almost  I  fancy  that  you  still  have  vigour, 

That  spirit  breathes  again  behind  your  trunk. 
Ah  !  if  it  did,  I  know  that  you  would  take 
Out  of  your  stone  cuirass -;a 'Norman  cake 
Not  other  than  the  kind  our  railways  bake 
And  hand  me  down  a  chunk.  EVOE. 

Alpine  Effort  in  High.  Life. 

"Amongst  those  presented  were:— Mrs.  Bagwell,  by  the  Duchess  of 
St.  Albans  ;  Miss  Bagwell,  by  her  mother  ;  'Lady  Butler  (of  Banska 
Castle),  by  Lady  Dunsany ;  Mrs.  Garden.  They  were  tightly  roped 
together. " — Clomncl  Chron  icfe. 

ff  this  means  ice-work,  it  must  have  been  very  refreshing 
during  the  hot  spell. 


PUNCH.   OB   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. -JULY  26,  1911. 


WANTED-A   WARRANTY. 

CHIKP  MrciBTMiAi  WHIP.  "I  CAN  RAISE  THE  CORONETS  ALL  RIGHT;  BUT  I  CAN'T  ANSWER 
FOR  THE   -NORMAN   BLOOD.'"  ___  .   Avn 

PRIME  MJNISTER.  « NEVER  MIND  THE  -NORMAN   BLOOD';  IT'S  THE  -KIND 
THE   'SIMPLE   FAITH'   THAT   I'M  WORRYING  ABOUT."  


JULY  23,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CII.MM  YAK!. 


RETUKIM    OF    THE    PARLIAMENT    BILL. 


(A  Vision  suggested  by  a  visit  to  the  Russian  Ballet  at  Coveut  Garden.— MM.   Nijiiislvy-V'inston,   Lloyd-Georgcwitcli,   and   Ivan 
Redmonski  receive  their  old  love  Mine.  Karsavina-Yetoloptotf  after  rather  a  poor  time  elsewhere.) 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTK ACTED  FROM  THE  DlAIlY  OF  ToliY,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July  17. 
—  Looking  over  volume  of  Parlia- 
mentary report  a  century  old,  read 
that  on  10th  April,  1811,  "  Lord  FOLK- 
STONE  [sic]  called  the  attention  of  the 
House  to  the  scarcity  of  small  change." 
If  his  Lordship  were  still  with  us,  as 
happily  the  holder  of  his  name  (with 
an  "  e  "  added  midway)  is,  he  would  find 
no  ground  for  repetition  of  his  com- 
plaint. Small  change  abounds.  There 
are  eighty-eight  pieces,  chiefly  three- 
penny bits,  represented  in  the  questions 
addressed  to-day  to  Ministers  and 
painstakingly  answered.  With  few  ex- 
ceptions a  look  in  at  the  office  of  the 
Department  concerned,  and  a  couple  of 
minutes'  conversation  with  the  Secre- 
tary or  Head  Clerk,  would  satisfy  in 
full  measure  genuine  desire  for  infor- 
mation. But  if  that  course  were 
adopted  where  would  be  the  opportunity 
of  getting  for  nothing  the  bold  atf- 
vertisement  of  newspaper  report  of  the 
Question  hour  ? 

Ministers   evade  waste   of   valuable 


time  in  various  ways.  EDWARD  GREY 
habitually  stays  away,  not  to  be  dis- 
turbed in  his  task  of  framing  valuable 
international  treaties  by  knowledge 


"IT015HOUSE,   MAID  01-  -A  1.1.  WORK." 


j  that  McKiNNON  WOOD  is  being  shot 
!  at    in    the    Commons.      CHANCKLI  on  j 
OP    EXCHEQUER    regards    with    equ.il  j 
equanimity  HOBHOUSE  upright  by  the 
brass-bound  box  in  attitude  of   what 
Lord   HALSBUBY   would  call   "  a  sort  i 
of "    Saint     Sebastian    transfixed    by  I 
flight  of  interrogatory  arrows. 

For  Ministers  who  personally  stand  | 
the  racket  or  others  who  have  the  work  ! 
delegated   to   them,    thing    to    do    is  , 
to  rattle  out  reply  in  quickest  fashion,  [ 
regardless    of    rhyme    or    reason    or 
the  absolute  impossibility  of  audience 
following  sequence  of  sentences.     In 
this  competition  CHIEF  SECRETARY  FOU 
IRELAND  and  FINANCIAL  SECRETARY  TO 
TREASURY  triumphantly  hold  their  place 
in   the   first  flight.      SEELY   makes  a 
promising  third.     But  his  pnu-ti  v  is 
less  extensive.      Since    NAPOLEON   13. 
HALDANE  went  to  the  St.  Helena  of 
House  of  Lords,  interest  in  War  Oflico 
business    distinctly    declined.      HOB- 
HOUSE,  Maid-of-all-Work  on  Treasury 
Bench,  to  whom  most  chiefs   of   de- 
partments   when    temporarily    absent 
delegate    the    task    of    reading    their  i 
answers,  has  ths  largest  practice. 


66 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  26,  1911. 


To-day,  of  eighty-eight  questions  on 
paper,  he  replied  to  twenty-one, 
chiefly  addressed  to  CHANCELLOR  OF 
THK  EXCHEQUER  on  minute  details  of 
Insurance  Bill.  Approaching  the 
Table,  bringing  his  sheaves  with  him 
in  form  of  foolscap  sheets  closely  type- 
written, he  occasionally  introduced 
diversion  by  accidentally  mixing  up 
his  bundle,  reading  in  answer  to 
question  addressed  to  CHANCELLOR  OF 
EXCHEQUER  reply  type-written  at  the 
Board  of  Trade.  But  what  would  you  ? 
FINANCIAL  SECRETARY  has  to  get 
through  his  job  in  short  ae  possible 
time  by  Westminster  clock,  and  he 
does  it. 

No  one  can  touch  BIRRELL  at  his 
best.  He  is  sole  possessor  of  the 
secret  of  pronouncing  in  a  breath 
six  words  as  if  they  were  one.  It 
sounds  somsthing  like  this:  "Resultof- 
fullenquirymadeis "  Looks 


M.P.,  out  of  drawing,  so  to  speak,  with 
present  and  approximate  position  of 
BYLES  OF  BRADFORD.  It  obviously  in- 
volves personal  familiarity  with  penny 
newspapers.  Is  not  free  from  suspicion 
of  secret  consultation  with  halfpenny 
oracles.  Noble  Lords  and  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  don't  read  the  papers.  Nor 
does  BYLES  OF  BRADFORD.  Accordingly, 
when  he  feels  it  his  duty  to  interpose 
he  places  on  the  paper  notice  "  to  ask 
the  SECRETARY  FOR  FOREIGN  AFFAIRS 
if  anyone  has  been  designated  to 
succeed  the  late  Sir  ELDON  GORST  in 
Egypt ;  and  if  the  office  of  Consul- 
General  is  regarded  by  the  Foreign 
Office  as  a  civil  or  a  military  appoint- 
ment ?  " 

Strolling  round  the  annexe  to  West- 
minster Abbey,  which  BANBURY  aptly 
suggests  should  be  retained  in  the  ser- 
vice of  the  State  as  a  vestibule  of  the 


strange  when  it  comes  to  be 
printed.  Since  outside  Ireland 
the  CHIEF  SECRETARY'S  answers 
are  not  reported,  no  practical 
difficulty  arises  and  there  is 
appreciable  saving  of  time. 
BIRRELL  has  brought  this 
modern  parliamentary  art  to 
such  perfection  that  before  the 
;  Member  who  puts  the  question 
has  resumed  his  seat  he  has 
raced  through  a  couple  of  lines 
of  reply.  To  the  thirteen  ques- 
tions, most  of  them  dealing 
with  multiplicity  of  local  points, 
addressed  to  him  to-day,  he 
reeled  off  full  answers  in  seven 
minutes  thirty-nine  seconds. 

Business    done.  —  Insurance 
Bill  in  Committee. 

Tuesday.  —  Initial  difficulty 
with  Statesmen  and  others  promoted  to 
the  peerage  is  to  find  appropriate  title. 
BYLES  OF  BRADFORD  will  be  spared  that 
trouble.  With  apt  alliteration's  artful 
aid,  one  has  for  considerable  period 
in  advance  been  provided  for  him. 

Pretty  to  see  how  unconsciously  his 
manner  already  merges  into  that  of 
the  Peer  who  boasts  Norman  Blood. 
Charming  illustration  afforded  this 
afternoon.  His  Lordship — I  mean  Sir 
WILLIAM — is  exercised  in  his  mind  by 
appointment  of  KITCHENER  to  govern- 
ment of  Egypt.  Nomination  long 
talked  of;  has  been  officially  confirmed ; 
the  news  made  text  for  comment  in 
multifarious  newspapers.  Ordinary 
Member  desiring  to  extract  final  con- 
firmation from  mouth  of  FOREIGN 
SECRETARY  would  have  put  the 
question  forthright :  "  Is  the  state- 
ment put  forward  by  the  Press  true 
or  not  ?  " 

That  form  of  interrogation,  well 
enough  for  the  common  or  garden 


FLYING  THROUGH   "QUESTIONS." 
"No  one  can  touch  BIRRELI,  at  his  best." 


House  of  Lords  for  the  convenience  of 
New  Peers,  B.  of  B.  heard  a  rumour 
that  something  of  the  kind  indicated  in 
his  question  was  to  the  fore.  EDWARD 
GREY,  by  exception  in  his  place  to 
answer  momentous  enquiry  in  person, 
confirmed  the  report. 

Standing  now  on  safe  ground,  offici- 
ally assured  of  facts  of  case,  BYLES 
OF  BRADFORD  delivered  weighty  opinion 
upon  its  bearings. 

"  Would  it  not  be  better,"  he  asked 
the  FOREIGN  SECRETARY,  "to  keep  our 
soldiers  to  their  proper  jobs  ?  Is  not  all 
the  money  we  have  spent  in  making  a 
soldier  of  Lord  KITCHENER  running  to 
waste?" 

This  last  query  was  put  with  subtle 
but  unmistakable  indication  of  con- 
sidering the  problem  from  point  of  view 
of  an  expert  examining  a  prize  pig  or 
a  fatted  calf.  FOREIGN  SECRETARY 
made  feeble  effort  to  explain  away 
ths  New  Consul-General.  Impression 
left  was  that  BYLES  OF  BRADFORD 


had     been     too     much    for    both    of 
them. 

Business  done. — Insurance  Bill  again 
in  Committee,  making  progress  sure 
but  slow. 

Friday. — Under  date,  6th  of  April 
last,  at  the  time  when  the  Mansion 
House  Committee  appointed  to  select 
suitable  site  for  London  Memorial  to 
KING  EDWARD  had  been  warned  off  St. 
James'  Park  and  were  forlornly  looking 
elsewhere,  the  following  entry  appeared 
in  this  veracious  chronicle : — 

"  That  is  no  reason  why  a  memorial 
which  the  nation  desires  to  see  erected 
to  the  honour  of  a  great  King  should 
not  find  a  place  in  the  scenes  he 
loved  so  well. 

"  Like  Popkin  in  one  of  DIZZY'S 
early  speeches,  like  General  TROCHU 
at  the  siege  of  Paris,  the  MEMBER 
FOR  SARK  has  his  '  plan.'  Why  not 
set  the  memorial  up  in  the  Green 
Park,  in  the  broad  thorough- 
fare at  present  uselessly  con- 
fined to  foot-passengers,  and 
convert  this  into  a  carriage 
highway?  The  monument 
would  be  seen  of  all  men, 
whilst  a  carriage  drive  con- 
necting the  foot  of  Constitution 
Hill  with  Piccadilly  would  be 
an  immense  boon  to  busy 
Londoners.  FIRST  COMMIS- 
SIONER and  his  colleagues  on 
Memorial  Committee  might 
think  this  over." 

They  did  with  happy  issue. 
Reported  that,  reassembling 
after  three  months'  recess, 
they  have  decided  to  recom- 
mend as  the  best  of  all  sites 
this  particular  spot.  In  submit- 
ting resolution  to  that  effect  LORD 
MAYOR  stated  that  the  recommendation 
had  the  approval  of  the  Government, 
I  that  "His  Majesty  the  KING  would  con- 
sider it  an  acceptable  proposition,  and 
Her  Majesty  QUEEN  ALEXANDRA  would 
also  graciously  approve." 

SARK  ventures  to  hope  that  the 
Committee  will  not  stop  halfway  in 
acceptance  of  his  suggestion.  It 
would  be  a  pity  if  opportunity  were 
lost  of  utilising  this  splendid  thorough- 
fare for  public  traffic,  confined,  of 
course,  to  the  lighter  class  of  vehicle. 
Business  done. — LORD  CHANCELLOR 
was  to  have  been  called  over  the  coals 
to-day  in  the  matter  of  appointment 
of  magistrates.  His  colleagues  on 
Treasury  Bench  considerately  thought 
it  better  he  should  not  be  subjeated  to 
the  ordeal  whilst  battling  with  crisis 
in  other  House.  Appeal  made  to 
Members  in  charge  of  Vote  of  Censure 
generously  met.  Rod  temporarily 
retained  in  pickle,  and  sitting  given 
up  to  Indian  High  Courts  Bill. 


JULY  26,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHABIVAEL 


67 


HOT    WEATHER    DELICACIES. 

A  NICE  CUP. — Dissolve  an  acid  drop 
(or  bull's-oyo)  in  threo  or  four  galons 
of  drinking  water.  Add  ice  until  the 
water  is  quite  cold ;  then  serve. 
This  simple  cup  is  a  capital  thing  for 
children's  parties,  and  is  a  great 
favourite  with  tho  little  ones. 

FROZEN  RAREBIT. — Make  some  Welsh 
rarebits  in  the  usual  manner  with  toast 
and  cheese.  When  nicely  done,  remove 
from  oven,  and  place  in  refrigerator  till 
ready.  This  dainty  is  just  the  thing 
for  bachelor  parties  and  informal 
gatherings  where  reporters  are  not 
present. 

POTAGE  POLAIRE.  —  Prepare  some 
soup  with  stock,  vegetables  and 
seasoning.  When  ready,  place  in 
freezing  machine  until  the  thermometer, 
when  immersed  in  the  preparation, 
marks  32°  (Fahrenheit),  or  there- 
abouts. Sprinkle  with  Chili  pepper, 
and  serve. 

BED  MULLET  A  LA  BONKE  FEMME. — 
Place  a  red  mullet  on  a  gridiron  ;  hang 
it  in  a  cool  draughty  place,  and  fan, 
until  the  fish  has  lost  its  unwholesome 
ruddy  glow.  It  is  then  ready.  The 
congratulations  of  the  assembled  gour- 
mets will  repay  the  housewife  for  the 
trouble  involved  in  preparing  this 
delicious  plat. 

JACKET  POTATOES. — Cut  some  pieces 
of  felt  to  fit  each  potato  ;  sew  up,  and 
place  under  shower-bath  until  dinner- 
bell  rings.  Serve  with  cold  chisel  and 
salt  to  taste.  This  little  known  method 
of  preparing  the  savoury  tuber  has  only 
to  be  tried  to  be  appreciated. 

BATH  OLIVERS  CHAPPED.— Soak  some 
Bath  Olivers  in  running  water  for  two 
or  three  minutes ;  partially  dry  and 
suspend  in  north-east  wind  for  twenty- 
four  hours.  They  should  then  be  ready. 
Make  a  V-shaped  depression  in  some 
cold  cream,  open  doors  and  windows, 
and  serve. 

Swiss  EOLL  FARCI. — Procure  a  dozen 
doughnuts,  remove  jam  from  such  as 
contain  any,  and  inject  condensed  milk ; 
garnish  with  edelweiss  and  serve  with 
wood  -  wind  accompaniment.  When 
your  guests  are  ready,  turn  on  electric 
fans,  and  begin. 

CONSOMME  AU  DEPART.  —  Shred  a 
cucumber,  and  stand  in  a  bucket  of 
cold  water  till  ready.  Strain,  and  serve 
in  nearest  Tube  station.  This  sim- 
ple preparation  will  make  almost  any 
dinner  party  go  off. 

The  Descent  to  Han. 

From  an  advt.  of  a  circus : 

"Teddy  will  talk,  wrestle,  and  drink  till  he 
becomes  intoxicated.  The  almost  human 
intelligence  shown  by  this  Bear  is  beyond 
comprehension. " 


Archie.    "I'VE   BEEN   TAKIN'  A   COURSE    OK    MEMORY-TBAIM.N'.     li'«    A   WONDERFUL 

SYSTEM — DOUBLED   MY    MEMORY-POWER  IN  A   MONTH." 

Fr^nd.  "REALLY.    WHAT'S  THE  NAME  OF  IT?" 

Archie.  "On— ER— DASH  IT,  IT'S  SLIPPED  ME  FOR  THE  MOMENT ;  BDT  IT'S  SEAR— IB— YOC 
KNOW — WHAT'S  HIS  NAME'S  IN  THINGUMMY  STREET." 


A  CODE   FROM   PATAGONIA. 

The  Spectator  in  a  learned  review  on 
Folklore  incidentally  quotes  theFuegian 
holophrase  "  mamihlapinatapai "  as 
meaning  "  looking  -  at  -  each  -  other  - 
hoping  -  that  -  either  -  will  -  offer  -to-do  - 
something  -  which  -  both  -  parties-desire- 
but-are-unwilling-to-do."  Well,  if  the 
Fuegians  are  capable  of  expressing  so 
compendiously  a  nuance  like  that,  they 
have  hitherto  been  strangely  neglected 
in  the  spheres  of  politics  and  diplomacy. 
They  ought  to  come  over  here  and  give 
lessons  in  St.  Stephen's.  We  should  also 
be  obliged  if  the  sachems  of  the  Land  of 
Fire  would  supply  us  with  the  mot  juste 


on  the  Morocco  conversations — some 
little  terse  ejaculation  to  signify  "  If- 
you  -  French  -  and  -  Spanish  -  with  -  a  - 
hornet's-  nest -intermeddle-  then  -  shall- 
we-frontier-compensation-want."  And 
there  is  the  W.S.P.U.,too,  who  generally 
have  a  lot  to  say,  and  would  like  to 
squeeze  a  whole  manifesto  into  a  war- 
cry.  Will  some  Fuegian  pundit,  there- 
fore, oblige  with  a  whoop  to  indicate 
"  If- you-don't  a«r3e- to -our -demands  - 
directly  -  minute  -  we  -  will  -  stagger  - 
humanity  -and  -  don't  -  you  -  forget  -  it  - 
by-some  outrageous-proceeding- wliich- 
we  -  have  -  not  -  at  -  the-  moment  -exact  ly- 
hit-upon?"  We  are  rather  tiiod  of  the 
hollow  phrases  at  present  in  fashion. 


68 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  26,  1911. 


THE   WALKING   TOUR. 

"WHERE  shall  we  finish  to-day?"  said  Joseph  as  he 
inspected  the  cu«tomary  dish  of  eggs  and  bacon. 

"  Well,  we  haven't  oven  begun  breakfast  yet,"  said 
Herbert.  "  There's  no  hurry.  Let 's  breakfast  and  smoke 
and  think  about  it.  And  isn't  this  the  worst  bacon  you 
ever  put  a  fork  into  ?  When  I  think  of  the  ripping  bacon 
I  got  at  home,  all  thin  and  streaky  and  delicious,  it  makes 
me  want  to  cry." 

"  '  A  sorrow's  crown  of  sorrow,'  "  said  Joseph. 

"  Oh,  bother  your  crowns  of  sorrow,"  said  Herbert. 
"That's  no  excuse  for  the  bacon." 

"  ',A  sorrow's  crown  of  sorrow,'  "  continued  Joseph,  "  is 
remembering  happier  bacon." 

"  Of  all  the  futile  remarks,"  protested  Herbert,  "  that's 
about  the  most  futile.  However  I  don't  want  to  start 
quarrelling.  You'll  do  all  that's  wanted  in  that  line  before 
the  day's  done.  Shove  over  the  tea-pot,  there's  a  good 
chap." 

"It  says  that  The  Green  Man  at  Oxtable  is  '  a  hostelry 
noted  for  its  good  cheer ' '  —Joseph  was  reading  from  a 
guide-book. 

"  Yes,  but  it  is  also  said  that  the  rotten  place  we  're 
breakfasting  at  was  celebrated  for  its  old-fashioned  comfort. 
Think  of  the  supper  we  had  last  night.  Think  of  the  beds. 
Think  of  this  breakfast." 

"  Oh,  eat  your  breakfast,"  said  Joseph,  "  and  don't  talk 
so  much  about  it.  You  seem  to  expect  to  find  a  Eitz  or  a 
Carlton  in  every  village." 

"  Now  that  just  shows  how  little  you  know  about  me. 
I  've  never  been  in  the  Ritz  or  the  Carlton.  The  smart 
set 's  too  smart  for  me.  I  daresay  you  like  it ;  I  don't. 
All  I  want  is  a  decent  bed  and  good  food  plainly  cooked." 

"  This  man,"  said  Joseph,  looking  at  the  ceiling,  "  wants 
his  beds  plainly  cooked." 

"  Yes,"  said  Herbert,  "  and  if  you  were  plainly  cooked 
too  it  might  knock  some  of  the  nonsense  out  of  you." 

There  was  an  interval  of  silent  munching.  Then  Joseph 
began  again  : — 

"  I  've  been  thinking  about  you,"  he  said,  "  and  I  've 
been  wondering  how  we  ever  came  to  start  on  this  walking 
tour  together." 

"  You  've  been  wondering,  have  you  ?  "  said  Herbert. 
"  I  'm  simply  lost  in  amazement.  What  in  the  world 
induced  me  to  be  such  a  consummate  fool  I  can't  make  out." 

"Induced!"  said  Joseph.  "  There  was  no  inducement 
about  it.  Nature  did  it  for  you.  Of  course  you  may  have 
helped  a  bit,  but — 

"I  suppose,"  said  Herbert,  "you  know  what  you're 
doing.  You  're  calling  me  a  consummate  fool." 

"  That 's  what  you  called  yourself.  I  'm  only  agreeing 
with  you ;  but  it's  difficult  to  satisfy  some  people." 

"  I  don't  want  any  of  your  agreements,  and  I  can  do 
without  your  satisfactions.  If  I  am  a  fool,  at  any  rate  I 
don't  try  to  pose  as  a  genius.  Some  people  like  that  kind  of 
thing.  I  don't.  A  plain  Englishman 's  good  enough  for  me." 

"  Quite  the  contrary,"  said  Joseph.  "  You  were  a  grubby 
little  boy,  of  course,  but  you  're  rather  a  handsome  man. 
There  '&  something  about  your  forehead  and  eyes 

"  Now  that,"  said  Herbert,  "  is  quite  the  silliest  old  joke 
in  the  world.  And  if  I  was  a  grubby  little  boy,  what  were 
you?  A  dandified  little  jackanapes  with  his  hair  parted  in 
the  middle.  It 's  all  parting  now." 

"Coma,  come,"  said  Joseph,  "we'll  leave  our  hideous 
pasts  and  our  disreputable  presents  alone.  If  we  squabble 
like  this  we  shall  never  get  on  with  the  tour,  and  then 
what  would  our  friends  say?  Where  shall  we  finish  our 
walk  to-day?  " 


"  Oh,  anywhere  you  like,"  said  Herbert,  "  so  long  as  we 
get  away  from  this  place." 

Jcsoph  dipped  into  the  guide-book  again. 

"I  vote  for  Oxtable,"  he  said;  "it's  only  fifteen  miles, 
and  we  ought  to  have  a  light  day  to-day.  '  Lightly  come, 
and  lightly  go,'  you  know." 

"Is  that  another  rubbishy  quotation?"  said  Herbert. 
"Because  if  it  is  I  want  you  to  understand  that  I'm  not 
the  man  to  knuckle  under  to  a  quotation.  My  boots  are  all 
right ;  my  feet  are  in  splendid  condition,  and  I'm  out  to  do 
twenty  miles  to-day.  It's  absurd  to  do  anything  less  than 
twenty  miles  a  day  on  a  walking  tour.  Fifteen  miles !  Pooh!" 

"  You  were  keen  enough  to  stop  five  miles  shoit  of  this 
yesterday,  anyhow,"  said  Joseph  viciously. 

"  Only  because  you  kept  on  complaining  about  your  big 
toe.  I  should  be  ashamed  to  have  a  toe  like  that." 

"  Don't  you  fling  my  toe  in  my  face,"  said  Joseph.  "  It 's 
a  better  toe  than  any  of  yours  even  when  it 's  got  a  blister 
on  it." 

" That's  a  mere  gratuitous  insult,"  said  Herbert.  "I'll 
back  my  toes  against  yours  any  day  of  the  week,  one  down 
t'other  come  on.  I  'm  going  to  walk  twenty  miles  to-day." 

"  Why  not  start  now?  Walk  two  and  a  .ha  f -miles  out 
and  two  and  a  half  back  here.  I  '11  wait  tor  you,  and  then 
we  can  really  start  and  do  the  fifteen  to  Oxtable." 

"  A  nice  genial  companion  I  've  got,"  said  Herbert.  "  No, 
we'll  start  together,  and,  as  you  're  feeling  so  feeble  to  day, 
we  '11  finish  at  Oxtable.  But  that 's  the  last  concession 
I'll  make."  

ON   A   SUPERABUNDANCE    OF  HAIRPINS. 

WHEN  little  wintering  birds  do  scour  the  woods 

And  cannot  find  the  sweet  accustomed  grub, 
Nor  any  veg.  nor  yet  fruitarian  foods 

Wherewith  to  loose  their  note, 
So  then  my  pipe  oft  chokes  within  its  stub 

For  lack  of  pins  to  prick  the  diphtheritic  throat. 

But  now  the  months  of  plenty  bring  their  store 
To  swell  the  song  that  speaks  a  grateful  crop, 
And  I  can  smoke  a  pipe  of  purer  bore, 

With  wreaths  of  fragrance  crowned  ; 
For  lo !  where  buds  and  stricken  vestas  drop, 
There  do  these  handy  little  bifurcates  abound. 

In  some,  the  lustier  virtues  make  a  show ; 

Others  of  dainty,  sylph-like  wriggles  boast, 
And  all  with  daffodils  and  daisies  grow 

From  earth's  most  secret  fire  ; 
Desired  of  girls,  they  grace  the  smoker  most, 
Whether  he  puffs  a  clay  or  sucks  a  juicy  briar. 

I  often  find  them  by  a  rustic  seat, 

Peeping  from  out  the  adjacent  dust  and  stones, 
Just  where  at  dusk  of  evening  lovers  meet 

And  tenderly  embrace ; 
Neaera,  turning  home  for  supper,  moans 

Her  disarrayed  locks  and  pats  them  into  place. 

So  from  the  surplus  s^ock  of  Summer's  gift 

I  hope  to  keep  unsullied  one  or  two 
For  future  use,  and  thus  by  dint  of  thrift 

Tide  o'er  the  time  of  dearth 
When  ceremonious  winter  lays  taboo 

On  all  the  frolic  rites  that  tend  the  hairpin's  birth. 


"To -morrow  is  the  butchers'  and  bakers'  holiday  in  Edinburgh. 
It  should  be  understood  that  this  holiday  does  not  apply  to  drapery 
establishments." — Edinburgh  Evening  Dispatch. 

Heavens,  we  quite  thought  it  did. 


JULY  2G,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


69 


Rising  Junior.  "Now,  MY  GOOD  sotn,,  WHAT  is  TUB  NATURE  OF  YOUE  BUSINESS  on  TRADE!' 
Dear  Old  Fraud  (coyly).  "THROWIN"  CONFETTI  AT  WEDDIN'S,  Sin." 


CLOTHES  AND  THE  ALTRUIST. 
BY  C-ESAR'S  WIFE'S  HUSBAND. 

As  1  always  endeavour  to  point  out 
in  this  column,  it  is  not  manners 
which  maketh  man,  as  old  WILLIAM  OF 
WYKEHAM  so  ungrammatically  insisted, 
but  clothes.  I  can  prove  it  in  an 
instant.  Take  the  most  perfect-man- 
nered man  you  can  think  of — the  very 
Bayard  of  daily  life — strip  him  naked 
and  put  him  in  Society,  and  where  is 
he?  Of  what  use  are  his  wonderful 
man-making  manners  then?  None. 
No,  manners  are  all  very  well,  all 
very  necessary  and  charming,  no  doubt ; 
but  there  are  two  things  against  them. 
One  is  that  they  are  no  use  until  you 
are  dressed ;  and  the  other  is  that  they 
are  gratuitous  and  therefore  do  not  lead 
(as  clothes  do)  to  healthy  competition. 
***** 

One  of  the  strongest  things  about 
men's  clothes  is  that  your  little  tailor 
can  sometimes  cut  better  than  your 
swagger  one.  There  is  a  curious  and 
capricious  chance  in  these  matters.  It 
is  like  genius  in,  let  us  say,  literature 
or  art.  It  often  flowers  in  the  least 
expected  places,  and  its  practitioners 
are  not  invariably  important-looking  or 
even  clean.  I  do  not  for  a  moment 
wish  to  suggest  that  Mr.  Thomas 
Snipling,  of  2,001,  High  Holborn,  is  in 
so  small  a  way  of  business  as  to  be 
despicable.  Far  from  it.  But  at  the 


first  blush  one  would  hardly  expect  that 
behind  his  modest  shop-window  lurked 
a  sartorial  artist  of  extraordinary  gifts. 
Yet  so  it  is.  Mr.  Snipling's  three- 
guinea  suits  of  Cheviot,  Angora  or  Gamp 
tweeds  are  a  marvel.  My  advice  to 
every  one  of  my  readers  this  week — is 
to  give  Mr.  Snipling  a  trial. 

*  *  -::-  *  # 

To  some  extent  these  remarks  may 
be  applied  also  to  footwear.  It  is  not 
always  the  dearest  and  classiest  boots 
that  are  the  best  or  that  look  the  best. 
It  is  perfectly  possible  to  find  here 
and  there  a  small  but  conscientious 
boot-maker  whose  results  are  equal  to 
those  of  Bond  Street,  say,  at  a  third  of 
the  cost.  I  have  been  asked — that  is 
to  say,  I  should  like  purely  out  of  a 
passion  for  the  good  and  the  true — to 
recommend  Mr.  Arthur  Bailey  of  49B, 
Cheapside,  whose  boots  are  not  only 
dressy  and  attractive,  but  fit  like  any- 
thing, and  confer  upon  the  wearer 
dignity  and  charm.  What  I  say  then 
to  my  readers  is,  Make  haste  to  visit 
Mr.  Bailey  and,  if  possible,  do  so  be- 
tween now  and  the  next  issue  of  this 
paper. 

"  Lady  wishes  to  dispose  of  her  genuine,  old 
Pinxton  Tea  Set,  which,  oy  a  curious  coincidence, 
is  purely  in  the  suffrage  colours." 

Advt.  in  "fates  for  tt'omcn." 

Can  the  advertiser  be  Mrs.  HUMPHRY 
WARD! 


"  Grammar  School  Sports. 

The  winners  of  the  aggregate  prizes  at  the 
Portsmouth  Grammar  School  Sports  to-day  weic 
as  follows : — 

1,  Field  (ISpts.) ;  2,  Hire  (ISpto.) 

High  Jump.—  W.  Canfield,  Yale,  1st, 
5ft.  11  Jin.  ;  A.  0.  Barker,  Harvard,  2nd, 
5ft.  login. 

The  case  was  adjourned. 

In  the  Edge  Competition,  M.  Blood  totals  fur 
the  first  two  distances  48  and  50." 

Portsmouth  Evening  AVirs. 

A  busy  day  for  the  young  scholars. 


In  the  plan  of  the  Universities  and 
Public  Schools  Athletic  Club  which  has 
reached  us,  we  observe  an  enclosure 
devoted  to  a  "Football  Pitch."  No 
space,  however,  has  been  assigned  for 
a  Cricket  Links,  a  Covered  Aviation 
Court,  a  Skittles  Tank,  a  Circular 
Archery  Track,  a  Chess  Alley,  a  Clock 
Croquet  Green,  a  Snooker  Bath,  a 
Lacrosse  Dedans,  a  Deer-Stalking 
Pavilion,  a  Pelota  Salon,  a  Hockey 
Eange,  or  a  Water-Polo  Eink.  These 
are  grave  omissions. 

Military  Correspondence. 
"  BATTEBY  COMMANDEB."  You  ask 
what  you  ought  to  do  when  the 
baggage  of  an  attached  Territorial 
officer  on  mobilization  is  found  to 
consist  of  a  case  of  champagne  and 
two  large  boxes  labelled  with  the 
name  of  a  well-known  firm  of  picnic- 
caterers.  The  answer  is:  Grin,  and 
share  it. 


70 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JULY  26,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

I  NEVER  read  a  story  I  agreed  with  less  and  enjoyed  more 
than  The  Glory  of  Ckmentina  Wing  (JOHN  LANE).  I 
could  not  bring  myself  to  love  the  unkempt  artist  who 
smoked  cheap  cigarettes  and  wore  a  smudge  of  paint  on  her 
cheek,  notwithstanding  all  the  magnificent  qualities  of 
which  Mr.  W.  J.  LOCKE  informed  me  she  was  undoubtedly 
possessed.  Still  less  could  I  believe  that  this  Clementina 
could  on  occasion  burst  out  of  ugliness  and  disarray  into 
instant  beauty  and  fine  feathers  of  the  latest  mode,  thereby 
defeating  in  the  struggle  for  a  man's  soul  an  expert,  almost 
professional,  seductress.  For  myself,  I  was  completely 
charmed  with  the  latter  and  lent  her  all  my  sympathy  from 
the  first :  and  so  would  the  author  himself  have  done  but  for 
his  set  purpose  of  glorifying  Miss  Wing.  Thus  much  for  our 
disagreement.  As  to  the  joy  of  it,  I  have  only  to  say  that 
the  book  is  in  the  author's  easiest  and  most  brilliant  vein, 
and  that  he  has  ex- 
celled himself  in  his  Dr. 
Quixtus,  a  good  man 
driven  to  disgust  by  a 
heavy  dose  of  human 
treachery  and  so  setting 
out  in  search  of  a  course 
of  conduct  vicious  and 
diabolical  enough 
whereby  to  avenge 
himself  on  a  vile  and 
deceitful  world.  I 
leave  you  to  find  out 
for  yourself  (and  that 
only  by  reading  the 
whole  story)  how  the 
searcher  fares,  hinting 
merely  that  you  will 
be  often  and  always 
surprised  into  irresist- 
ible laughter,  and  will 
make  the  unusual  and 
pleasurable  discovery 
that  a  confirmed  op- 
timist can  speak  with 
a  sharp  tongue  from 


the  other  introduces  us  to  a  most  dashing  amateur  detective 
(feminine).  It  must,  perhaps,  be  pardoned  to  such  an 
enthusiastic  motorist  as  Mr.  PEMBEKTON  that  on  page  22 
Dr.  Seagrove  drove  to  the  Manor  Gardens  in  a  dog-cart, 
and  that  on  the  following  page  we  read,  "  Seagrove  sprang 
out  of  his  car  anyhow." 


THINGS  WE  HAVE  NEVER  SEEN. 

A  FARMER  COMPLETELY  SATISFIED  WITH  THE  WEATHER. 


the    clearest    insight. 


I  discovered  (and  I  think  it  was  rather  clever  of  me 
because  the  acknowledgment  is  in  small  print  and  at  the 
bottom  of  a  page)  that  Mr.  MAX  PEMBEKTON  is  grateful  to 
various  journals  for  permission  to  reproduce  the  stories 
which  are  collected  in  The  Summer  Book ;  and  I  wish  to 
add  my  gratitude  not  only  to  the  editors  but  also  to  the 
author.  Presumably  this  book  gets  its  title  because  it  is 
suitable  for  consumption  in  hot  weather ;  at  any  rate  I 
read  it  from  cover  to  cover  (excluding  Messrs.  MILLS  AND 
BOON'S  copious  advertisements)  under  a  broiling  sun  and 
did  not  even  stop  for  so  little  as  a  tea-interval.  Mr. 
PEMBERTON  is  not  a  >•  -j-'er  of  the  short-story,  but  never- 
theless he  is  sufficien  iy  .  tventive  and  original  to  give  his 
readers  an  attractive  run  for  their  money.  I  beg  those 
who  begin  with  the  first  tale,  and  fail  to  like  it,  to  believe 
that  it  is  infinitely  the  worst  of  the  collection.  Mr.  JACOBS 
might  have  succaeded  in  the  difficult  task  of  making  fun 
out  of  drunkenness,  but  in  Mr.  PEMBERTON'S  hands  "  The 
Trip  to  Jerusalem"  is  an  absurdity  and  a  vulgar  one. 
"  Joie-de-Loup"  and  "The  Nigger  "are,  however,  specimens 
of  the  author's  skill  when  he  is  at  the  very  top  of  his  game. 
The  one  shows  an  intimate  knowledge  of  a  child's  mind,  and 


I  think  we  may  fairly  assume  that  Mr.  KANDAL 
CHARLTON,  the  author  of  The  Bewildered  Bride  (EVELEIGH 
NASH),  knows  and  admires  his  MEREDITH.  Certainly  there 
is  internal  evidence  to  this  effect.  "  In  the  High  Court  of 
Life  the  action  brought  by  Bosoms  against  Business  makes 
the  most  vivacious  suit  in  a  dull  cause  list  "  was  what 
Mr.  Hillary  St.  Ann  (note  the  name !)  scribbled  in  his 
common-place  book  a,  propos  of  the  love  affairs  of  his 
cousin  Harry  and  Amy  Meadows.  For  further  proof,  we 
have  the  pair  eloping,  with  Hillary's  assistance,  and  de- 
tained at  a  wayside  inn,  where  they  are  mothered  by  the 
sentimentally-minded  proprietress,  one  Mrs.  Blunt — surely 

a  distant  connection  of 
the  deathless  Berry.  To 
tell  what  further  hap- 
pens at  this  same  inn 
would  be  to  give  away 
the  secret  of  the  book  ; 
but  it  may  safely  be 
said  that  it  is  suffi- 
ciently startling  to  ex- 
plain the  title.  As  a 
matter  of  fact,  Amy  was 
perhaps  not  so  much 
bewildered  as  angry, 
and  I  can't  say  I  blame 
her.  Mr.  CHARLTON, 
in  his  preface,  wants 
me  to  believe  that  the 
story  is  one  of  actual 
happenings ;  which  in- 
deed it  very  well  may 
be.  What  is  much  more 
important  is  that  it  is 
brightly  and  dramatic- 
ally told,  despite  the 
somewhat  sententious 
aphorisms  of  Hillary.  A  graver  defect  of  taste  is  the 
obviously  deliberate  gusto  with  which  the  author  ac- 
centuates the  more  Elizabethan  episodes  in  his  not 
always  quite  pleasant  plot.  As  the  parent  wrote  to  the 
Board-School  teacher  on  the  subject  of  anatomy,  "It  isn't 
necessary — and  besides  it 's  rude  1 " 


\ 


Header,  you  have  spells  of  boredom, 

Dismal  blanks  when  all  is  blue, 
Times  when,  could  you  but  afford  'em, 

You  'd  give  pounds  for  something  new. 
That 's  your  ca.se.     If  you  admit  it, 

CHAPMAN  (not  to  mention  HALL) 
Has  a  remedy  to  fit  it, 

Clever,  brisk,  original. 
Service  yarns — that 's  what  the  cure  is — 
^        Mixed  with  humour,  spiced  with  wit ; 
Taken  sitting.     MAJOR  DRORY'S 

Long  Bow  and  Broad  Arrow  's  it. 

"The  King  has  been  pleased  to  grant  a  salute  of  fifteen  guns  to 
Maharaja  Sri  Sri  Sri  Sri  Sri  Sir  Ugyeu  Wangchuk  of  Bhutan  as  a 
hereditary  distinction." — Daily  Mail. 

One  of  the  men  we  shall  not  introduce  to  our  friends. 


AUGUST  2,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  now  denied  that  a  new  House 
of  Lords  is  to  be  built.  To  suit 
modern  requirements  it  was  to  have 
been  capable  of  indefinite  expansion, 
the  scheme  being  similar  to  that  used 
by  the  makers  of  a  certain  well-known 
expanding  book-case. 


#  * 
* 


In  the  natural  confusion  of  ideas 
which  resulted  from  strong  party 
feeling,  the  title  "  Dictator  "  (the  sole 
property  of  Mr.  JOHN  REDMOND)  was 
flung  in  the  face  of  Mr.  H.  H.  ASQUITH. 
The  PREMIER  wishes  it  to  be  understood 
that  the  letters  "  H.  H."  do  not  stand 
for  "  His  Highness." 

It  seems  regrettable  that,  owing  to 
a  certain  pearl  of  Radical  - 
speech  not  having  reached 
the  ears  of    the    SPEAKER 
during  Tuesday's  scene,  the 
House  is    still  without    a 
ruling  as  to  whether  the  ex- 
pression "Insolent  Swine" 
is  in  order.    Members  must 
really  speak  more  distinctly. 

Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  cau- 
tionary speech  was  received 
at  first  in  Germany  with 
the  question  :  "  For  whom 
is  I  he  Minister's  warning 
intended?"  A  couple  or  so  | 
of  guesses  and  they  got  the  I 

answer  right. 
#  * 
* 

One  would  have  thought 
that,  when  M.  BEAUMONT 
reached  Brooklands  from 
Brighton,  his  troubles  would 
have  been  at  an  end.  But 
no.  "  Several  ladies,"  a 
reporter  tells  us,  "tried  to  kiss  the 

intrepid  airman." 

*  * 

Not  the  least  remarkable  result  of 
the  great  air  race  was  the  fact  that  in 
their  descriptions  of  the  event  all  the , 
rival  newspapers  had  to  acknowledge 
the  existence  of  our  bright  little  con- 
temporary, The  Daily  Mail. 

""*"" 
"  In   consequence  of   the  continued 

hot  weather  the  present  run  of  The 
Girl  ivlio  couldn't  lie  will  end  at  the 
Criterion  to-night."  It  seems  a  pity 
that  the  telling  of  the  truth  should 
prove  to  be  such  an  exertion. 

Now  that  the  Tubes  have  established 
themselves  as  the  coolest  places  in  the 
hot  weather,  one  at  least  of  these  lines, 
we  hear,  is  about  to  run  amusement 
trains,  with  a  view  to  enable  persons 
to  spend  the  whole  day  in  comfort. 


and  a  music-hall  performance — includ- 
ing a  wonderful  acrobatic  display  by 
artistes  on  the  straps  —  will  also  be 
provided.  ...  ^ 

"  *  " 

An  orchestral  society,  consisting  of 
medical  men,  has  been  founded  in  Ber- 
lin. Many  doctors,  it  is  not  generally 
realised,  are  skilful  players  on  the 
bronchial  catarrh. 

We  note  the  appearance  of  "  Every- 
body's Pocket  Guide."  This  should  be 
particularly  useful  to  those  ladies  who 
have  a  difficulty  in  finding  their  pockets. 

*        •':• 
* 

The  Observer  declares  that  Mr. 
ROBERT  B.  POUTER'S  book  on  the 
Republican  States  of  South  America 
has  for  its  object  "  the  promotion  of 


novelty  which  it  is  supposed  to  be.  He 
declares  that  one  may  be  seen  in  a 
picture  which  he  owns,  painted  fifty 
years  ago.  On  the  other  hand  this 
may  merely  prove  that  the  post-impres- 
sionists are  not  the  novelty  which  they 
are  supposed  to  be. 

The  suggestion  made  at  the  meeting 
of  the  Royal  Sanitary  Congress  that  an 
admirable  cure  for  ill-health  would  l>e 
a  weekly  spell  of  twenty-four  hours  in 
bed  leads  an  Irishman  to  suggest  that 
this  is  not  enough.  Twenty-four  hours 
in  bed  twice  a  day  is  the  prescription 
he  would  like  to  see. 
*  * 

.   :  j> 

;  A  number  of  Persian  actors  are 
now  appearing  at  the  Hippodrome. 
In  the  words  of  the  ex-SHAH,  "  Now 

is  the  time  to  act  !  " 


Hair  made  from  silk  is  the 
latest  invention  of  fashion, 
The  Hairdressers'  Weekly 
Journal  informs  us.  Wool, 
of  course,  has  been  worn  by 
many  persons  for  years  past. 


"WOT'S  UP,    MATE?" 

"I   WENT   IN   BATHING  AND    'AD    MV    CLOTHES    PINCHED;     BUT   MTKII.Y 
I'D   KEPT  MY   'AT    ON,    AND   MY   RETURN   TICKET   WAK    IN    THE   'AT-BAND." 


loser  relations  between  Great  Britain 
and  the  ten  nations,"  and  we  are  left 
wondering  whether  the  relations  should 

be  "  closer  "  or  "  looser." 

*  * 

One  of  the  founders  of  the  "  Million- 
aires' Theatre,"  in  New  York,  states 
that  the  plutocrats  are  prepared  to 
keep  the  theatre  going  even  at  a  loss  in 
order  to  provide  unsensational  drama. 
The  announcement  has  created  a  sen- 
sation. -,;:  ;• 

* 

The  Morning  Post,  under  its  new 
editor,  is  evidently  going  in  for  a 
new  departure,  namely  a  matrimonial 
agency.  The  following  advertisement 
appeared  in  a  recent  issue  of  our  go- 
ahead  contemporary : — "  Lady  recom- 
mends Excellent  Vegetarian  Cook- 
Housekeeper  wanting  small  family.  .  ." 

;;:     # 

A  gentleman  writes  to  The  Mail  to 


Light  refreshments  will  be  obtainable  i  point  out  that  a  blue  rose  is  not  the 


BALLADE  OF  FANCY 
FAIR. 

IN  April  hours 

Its  booths  we  knew 
Uplift  'mid  flowers 

Untouched  of  rue. 
'Twas  then  we  drew 

The  magic  ware 
From  tents  of  blue 

At  Fancy  Fair ! 

Its  kindly  bowers 
For  lovers  due, 
From  chilly  showers 
They  kept  us  two ; 
Lest  wetted  through, 
We  'd  ceased  to  care 
For  Cupid's  brew 
And  Fancy  Fair ! 

Still  hath  it  dower 

When  life's  askew, 
A  gentle  power, 

A  kind  ado, 
For  me  and  you 

Who  still  may  share 
The  rainbow  view 

Of  Fancy  Fair  ! 

ENVOY. 
Princess,  anew 

We  '11  wander  there, 
Where  dreams  are  true 

At  Fancy  Fair  ! 


"For  Sale.  — Large   Scales,    Maii<l»liii>-.   -ni'l 
some  Bricks." — Evening  Mail. 

A  very  happy  combination ;    but  the 
bricks  should  go  to  the  audience. 


VOL.    CXLI. 


72 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  2,  1911. 


HOW    I    GOT    THERE. 


THOUGH  Virtue's  record,  by  itself, 

Should  have  ensured  a  rich  requital 
Even  without  the  ready  pelf 

That  oils  the  cntrt-e  to  a  title ; 
Yet  not  to  me  alone  the  credit 's  due, 

No,  nor  to  ASQUITH,  on  whose  soul  it  grated, 
Being  Prime  Minister,  to  work  a  coup 

That  One  Above  dictated. 

Nor  he,  by  whose  permissive  nod 

We  live — an  awful  obligation — 
Not  REDMOND  (.!.),  that  puissant  god, 

Could  have  accomplished  this  creation ; 
'Tis  not  to  him  that  (under  Heaven)  we  owe 

This  largesse  of  hereditary  lustres, 
It  is  to  Messrs.  F.  E.  SMITH  &  Co., 

Those  very  useful  thrusters ! 

The  help  of  HALSBUHY,  too,  I  hymn ; 

No  praise  that  I  can  here  express  '  11 
Convey  the  valour,  calm  and  grim, 

That  earned  a  dinner  at  the  Cecil ; 
Where,  having  boomed  his  high  old  Tory  pride, 

They  utilized  that  honorific  function 
To  drench  their  chiefs  (the  same  that  he  'd  defied) 

With  streams  of  loyal  unction. 

I  cannot,  having  missed  the  meal, 

Judge  if  the  roisterers  showed  a  fair  case 
For  thus  protesting  love  and  zeal 

While  kicking  leaders  down  the  staircase ; 
But  this  is  sure — that,  as  I  lightly  go 

To  join  the  new  creation's  noble  musters, 
I  raise  my  coronet  to  SMITH  &  Co., 

Those  very  perfect  thrusters. 


0.  S. 


MOTOR  AND   SUPER-MOTOR. 


[We  are  informed  that  motor-cars,  after  undergoing  a  slight  modifica- 
tion, are  now  being  used  as  the  propelling  power  in  house-boats.] 

A  HEROIC  rescue  was  effected  yesterday  at  John-o'- 
Groats.  While  signals  were  being  sent  to  a  ship  in 
distress  a  hundred  miles  away  the  wireless  telegraph  broke 
down.  A  passing  motorist  with  rare  presence  of  mind 
hitched  the  band  of  the  apparatus  to  the  wheel  of  his  car, 
re-started  it,  and  a  lifeboat  was  instantly  communicated 
with.  He  declined  to  give  his  name  or  receive  any  thanks, 
stating  that  he  had  so  often  caused  the  death  of  innocent 
people  that  he  owed  some  reparation. 

In  the  smartest  circles  Spring-cleaning  will  be  done  next 
season  by  the  help  of  the  stud  of  motor-cars,  moored  out 
on  the  lawn,  to  drive  the  vacuum  cleaners. 

The  omni-motor  is  regarded  as  the  greatest  triumph  of 
the  age.  By  touching  different  levers — to  learn  the  names 
of  which  demands  a  long  apprenticeship — the  operator  can 
make  it  cut  hair,  boil  water,  work  a  pianola,  mangle  shirts, 
turn  a  cinematograph,  clean  the  chimneys,  beat  eggs  or 
mow  and  roll  a  tennis  lawn.  In  case  of  invasion  it  can  be 
sunk  and  form  a  useful  submarine,  or  have  its  tyres  fully 
inflated  and  serve  as  a  capable  military  airship. 


"The  programme   was  as  follows: — Quartette,    '0  hurl  thee  my 
baby.'" — Natal  Witness. 

Far'better  use  the  fire-escape. 


CATCHING    HER    EYE. 

WE  had  come  to  an  end  of  dinner  quite  naturally  at  our 
end  of  the  table.  It  had  been  a  fearfully  long  one.  The 
strain  of  keeping  up  an  animated  conversation  for  two 
solid  hours  was  beginning  to  tell  on  my  host,  and  his  eyes 
brightened  as  he  glanced  at  his  wife  at  the  other  end  of 
the  table.  She  would  get  up  in  a  minute,  and  he  would  be 
able  to  re-tell  the  story  of  how  his  sherry  had  been 
smuggled  from  the  Imperial  cellars  at  St.  Petersburg-* 
probably  to  more  grateful  listeners.  Meanwhile,  very  light! 
small-talk  was  what  was  wanted. 

"When  I  was  in  Spain,"  lie  began,  and  then  remembered 
the  anecdote  was  too  long. 

"  I  must  tell  you  an  amusing  story  of  how  I  tried  to  buy 
a  blouse  at  the  sales  the  other  day,"  I  said,  seeing  his 
difficulty,  and  half-way  through  bungled  the  point  through 
over-curtailing  it.  Stories  were  no  good.  We  must  restrict 
ourselves  to  remarks. 

"  Are  you  going  to  Cowes  ? "  I  said  recklessly,  and 
caught  my  vis-d-vis  looking  at  me  curiously.  Since  the 
savoury  she  had  confined  herself  to  a  sympathetic  smile, 
and  now  affected  mild  amusement  at  the  absurdity  of 
chatter  after  her  half-hour's  earnest  discussion  on  the 
Insurance  Bill.  But  something  had  to  be  done. 

"  N-n-no,  that  is  to  say,  yes,"  he  replied  quickly, 
"  though  I  confess  racing  does  not  attract  me.  But  I  have 
a  collection  of  model  yachts.  Dear  me,  yes.  I  must  show 

it   you.       I-I    rather    want  to   see   if "     He    looked 

frowningly  at  his  wife.  He  mustn't  begin  on  any  of  his 
collections.  The  chief  points  of  a  hobby  can't  be  run 
through  between  the  picking  up  of  gloves  and  the  opening 
of  a  door.  As  far  as  I  could  make  out,  she  was  discussing 
the  successful  lighting  of  reception  rooms,  illustrated  by 
diagrams  on  the  back  of  her  menu.  A  little  sigh  of  dis- 
appointment escaped  him,  and  in  despair  he  began  to  offer 
me  more  grapes.  "  No,  really,"  I  said  very  firmly,  and 
nearly  added,  "I  never  eat  fruit  at  breakfast."  Was  it 
yesterday  or  a  week  ago  that  we  had  sat  down  to  dine? 
There  was  a  growing  restlessness  on  his  part  after  this, 
but  pushing  his  chair  back  suddenly  and  creaking  it — his 
eyes  fixed  on  his  wife  with  what  would  have  been  to  me 
mesmeric  force — had  no  effect  whatever.  Then  he  played 
a  strong  card.  "  My  wife  always  says,"  he  remarked  very 
loudly  and  deliberately — "my  wife  always  says — I  was 
telling  them,  my  dear,  you  always  say  that " 

It  failed  to  reach  her.  He  creaked  again,  this  time 
almost  ostentatiously,  and  even  gave  an  extra  flourish  of 
his  pocket-handkerchief  in  the  unnecessary  process  of  not 
blowing  his  nose.  I  felt  sorry  for  him.  She  appeared  to 
be  short-sighted  as  well  as  deaf.  My  neighbour  on  the 
other  side  turned  to  me. 

"  Tell  me  some  more  of  your  experiences,"  he  said.  "  I 
liked  the  story  of  your  dancing  with  a  waiter  by  mistake. 
I  am  much  interested  in  sociology." 

An  idea  came  to  me. 

"  I  was  bathing  once,"  I  said  in  my  clearest  and  most 
bell-like  tones — "  it  was  in  Devonshire  and  we  were  a  large 
mixed  party — and  I  had  just  got  a  new  bathing-dress.  It 
was  a  very  pretty  one,  but  I  had  never  worn  it  before, 
and 

I  was  aware  of  an  eye  flashing  at  me  from  the  bottom  of 
the  table. 

"  Shall  we  leave  them  to  smoke  ? "  my  hostess  said 
sweetly  as  we  all  rose. 


"A  delightfully  cool  breeze  was  blowing  .  .  .    Several  ladies, 
Indian  and  European,  were  among  the  gusts." — Said  Gazette. 

It  sounds  more  like  a  hurricane. 


both 


PUNCH,   OB   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  2.  1911. 


SOLID. 

GERMANY.  ••  DONNERWETTER !   IT'S  ROCK.      I  THOUGHT  IT  WAS  GOING  TO  BE  PAPER.1 


AUGUST  2,  1911.] 


PUNCH,    Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


AN    ABSORBING    OCCUPATION. 


'ire's  Wife.  "Wi.v,  JACKY,  I  »AVEN'T  SEEN  YOU  FOR  TWO  OR  THREE  WEEKS. 
(lodge-keeper's  child).   "'AviN«  JIIUXKH  o'  WATEK." 


WHAT   HAVE   YOU    BKKN    UOIXfi   AI.I.  THE  TIME!' 


DUSK    OUT-OF-DOORS. 

(A  LITTLE  EEVERIE.) 

HAS  it  ever  struck  you,  gentle  reader, 

When  the  summer  nights  are  warm 
(Deck-chairs  underneath  the  dark  old  cedar, 

Moths  about,  and  bats  in  form), 
What  a  boon  it  means  to  golden  fancies, 

Faith  and  love  and  fond  regret  ? 
How  (conversely)  trade  in  true  romances 

Suffers  if  the  season 's  wet  ? 

Take  myself :  I  stand,  with  my  cigar  lit, 

Near  the  rhododendron  clumps  ; 
Odorous  is  the  earth,  the  heaven  's  starlit, 

I  am  wearing  evening  pumps  ; 
Dreams  of  youth  arise  :  I  almost  pardon 

Belle,  the  fair  and  fickle  flirt ; 
Should  I  even  be  here  in  the  garden 

If  the  gravel  walks  were  dirt  ? 

No,  I  should  be  playing  cards  or  (may  bo) 
Billiards  at  the  "  Rose  and  Crown  "• 

"  Very  sorry,  James,  I  've  missed  a  baby 
Cannon  and  I  've  sent  you  down  ; 

Not  my  fault  I  couldn't  find  the  jigger  "  — 
Now  I  stand  stock-still  and  think 


How  superbly  fair  her  angel  figure 
Sometimes  looked  in  sain. on-pink. 

I 'm  of  course  alone;  but  look  at  others : 

Down  beside  the  gooseberry  beds 
There  are  Mr.  Jones  and  Miss  Carruthere 

Putting  very  close  their  heads  ; 
Sweet  young  things;  but, gracious!  if  the  weather 

Hadn't  been  so  fine  this  year, 
Could  they  have  been  thrown  so  oft  together  ? 

No,  it  would  have  failed,  I  fear. 
That 's  what  does  it :  moonlight  and  tho  murmur 

Made  by  sympathetic  trees ; 
Nothing  can  compare  for  binding  firmer 

Amatory  knots  with  these : 
Comes  a  kind  of  feyness  after  dinner 

When  Selene  lords  the  night 
(I  remember,  I  proposed  at  Pinner, 

Years  ago,  on  such  a  night). 
Nay,  and  even  now,  I  am  not  certain ; 

In  this  atmosphere  of  balm, 
Einged  about  by  night's  bajewelled  cm  tain, 

Listening  to  the  streamlet's  psalm. 
Possibly  I  too  nrght  come  out  stronger, 

Feel  again  love's  passion-swirl. 
If  the  fine  spell  lasts  a  little  longer, 

If  I  meet  some  lovely  girl.  Ever.. 


76 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON 


[AUGUST  2,  1911. 


THE    HOUSE  WARMING. 

IV.— A  WORD  IN  SEASON. 
"  ARCHIE,"  said  Blair,  "  what 's  that 
big  empty  room  above  the  billiard-room 

for  ?  " 

"  That,"  said  Archie,  "  is  where  \ve 
hide  the  corpses  of  our  guests.  I 
sleep  with  the  key  under  my  pillow." 

"  This  is  rather  sudden,"  said 
Simpson.  "  I  "m  not  at  all  sure  that  1 
shoul  1  have  come  if  I  had  known 
that." 

"Don't  frighten  them,  dear;  tel 
them  the  truth." 

"  Well,  the  truth  is,"  said  Archie, 
"  that  there  was  some  idea  of  a  little 
play  acting  there  occasionally.  Hence 
the  curtain-rod,  the  emergency  exil 
and  other  devices." 

"Then  why  I:avon't  we  done  any? 
We  cams  down  here  to  opsn  your  house 
for  you,  an.l  then  you  go  and  lock  up 
the  most  important  room  of  all,  and 
sleep  with  the  key  under  your  pillow.' 

"  It 's  too  hot.  But  we  11  do  a  little 
charade  to-night  if  you  like — just  to  aii 
the  place." 

"  Hooray,"  said  Myra,  "  I  know  a 
lovely  word." 

Myra's  little  word  was  in  two 
syllables  and  required  three  performers. 
Archie  and  I  were  kindly  included  in 
her  company.  Simpson  thrsatened  to 
follow  with  something  immense  and 
archaic,  and  Thomas  also  had  some- 
thing rather  good  up  his  sleeve,  but  1 
am  not  going  to  bother  you  with  these. 
One  word  will  be  enough  for  you. 

First  Scene. 

"Oh,  good  morning,"  said  Myra. 
She  had  added  a  hat  and  a  sunshade  to 
her  evening  frock,  and  was  supported 
by  me  in  a  g  ntlemsn's  lounge  coa! 
and  boat,  r  for  Henley  wear. 

"Good  morning,  Mum,"  said  Archie 
hitching  up  his  apron  and  spreading 
his  hands  on  the  table  in  front  of  him 

"  I  just  want  this  ribbon  matched 
pbase." 

"  Certainly,  Mum.  Won't  your  little 
boy — I  heg  pardon,  the  young  gentle- 
man, take  a  seat  too  ?  What  colour  die 
you  want  the  ribbon,  Mum  ?  " 

"  The  same  colour  as  this,"  I  said 
"  Idiot." 

"  Your  grandfather  is  in  a  bit  of  a 
draught,  1  'm  afraid,  Mum.  It  always 
stimulates  the  flow  of  language.  My 
grandfather  was  just  the  same.  I  'in 
afraid,  Mum,  we  haven't  any  ribbon  as 
you  might  say  the  same  colour  as 
this." 

"  If  it 's  very  near  it  will  do." 

"  Now  what  colour  would  you  cal 
that?  "  wondered  Archie,  with  his  heac 
on  one  side.  "  Kind  of  puce-like,  ] 


should  put  it  at.  Puce-magenta,  as 
we  say  in  the  trade.  No  ;  we  're  right 
out  of  puce-magenta." 

"  Show  the  lady  what  you  have  got," 
[  said  sternly. 

"  Well  Mum,  I  'in  right  out  of 
.  ibbon  altogether.  The  fact  is  I  'm 
more  of  an  ironmonger  really.  The 
draper's  is  just  the  other  side  of  the 
road.  You  wouldn't  like  a  garden 
roller  now  ?  I  can  do  you  a  nice 
garden-roller  for  two  pound  five,  and 
;hat  's  simply  giving  it  away." 

"Oh,  shall  we  have  a  nice  roller?" 
said  Myra  eagerly. 

"  1  'm  not  going  to  carry  it  home,"  I 
said. 

"  That 's  all  right,  Sir.  My  little  lad 
will  take  it  up  on  his  bicycle.  Two 
pounds  five,  mum,  and  sixpence  for 
;he  mouse-trap  the  gentleman  's  been 
sitting  on.  Say  Ihrej  pounds." 

Myra  took  out  her  purse. 

Second  Scene. 
We  were  back  in  our  ordinary  clothes. 

"I  wonder  if  they  guessed  that," 
said  Archie. 

"  It  was  very  easy,"  said  Myra.  "  I 
.hould  have  thought  they  'd  have  se^n 
it  at  once." 

'•  But  of  course  they  're  not  a  very 
clever  lot,"  I  explained.  "  That  fellow 
,vith  the  spec'acles — 

"Simpson,  his  name  is, "said  Archie. 
'  I  know  him  well.  lie 's  a  wonderful 
golfer." 

"  Well,  he  looks  learned  enough.  I 
expect  he  knows  all  right.  But  the 
others " 

"Do  you  think  lie  knew  that  we 
were  supposed  to  be  in  a  shop  ?  " 

"Surely!  Why,  I  should  think 
even —  -  What 's  that  man's  rame  over 
there  ?  No ;  that  one  next  to  the 
pretty  lady — ah,  yes,  Thomas.  Is  that 
Thomas,  the  wonderful  cueist,  by  the 
way?  Really!  Well,  I  should  think 
even  Thomas  guessed  that  much." 

"  Don't  you  think  perhaps  we  'd 
bettar  do  it  over  again  to  make  sure  ?  " 

•'  Oh,  no,  it  was  perfectly  obvious. 
Let 's  get  on  to  the  final  scene." 

"  I  'm  arraid  that  will  give  it  away 
rather,"  said  Myra. 

"  I  'm  afraid  so,"  agreed  Archie. 

"  It  always  seems  to  me  rather  silly 
to  do  the  whole  word — it  makes  it  so 
easy.  But  I  suppose  we  'd  better." 

Third  Scene. 

We  sat  on  camp-stools  and  looked  up 
at  the  ceiling  with  our  mouths  open. 

"  'E  's  late,"  said  Archie. 

"  I  don't  believe  'e  's  coming,  anc 
I  don't  mind  'oo  'ears  me  sye  so,"  saie 
Myra.  "  So  there." 

"  'Ot  work,"  I  said,  wiping  my  brow. 

"  Nar,  not  up  there.  Not  'ot.  Nice 
and  breezy  like." 


"  But  'e  's  nearer  the  sun  than  wot 
we  are,  ain't  'e  ?  " 

"  Ah,  but  'e  's  not  'ot.  Not  up  there." 

"  'Ere,  there  'e  is,"  cried  Myra  jump- 
ng  up  excitedly.  "Over  there.  'Ow 
naow,  it 's  a  bird.  I  declare  I  quite 
thought  it  was  'im.  Silly  of  me." 

There  was  silence  for  a  little,  and 
,hen  Archie  took  a  sandwich  out  of  his 
ocket. 

"Wunner  wot  they'll  invent  next," 
10  said,  and  munched  stolidly. 

-::-  -s  -::-  *  # 

"\Vell  done,"  said  Dahlia. 

"  Thomas  and  I  have  been  trying  to 
'ness,"  said  Simpson,  "  but  the  strain 
.s  terrific.  •  My  first  idea  was  'codfish,' 
but  I  suppose  that 's  wrong.  It 's  either 
'silkworm'  or  'wardrobe.'  Thomas's 
suggestions  have  been  '  submarine,' 
chimney  '  and  '  mangel-wur/el.'  He 
says  he  never  saw  anybody  who  had  so 
much  the  whole  air  of  a  wurzel  as 
Archie.  The  indefinable  clan  of  the 
wurzel  was  there." 

"  Can't  you  really  guess  ? "  said 
Myra  eagerly.  "I  don't  know  whether 
I  want  you  to  or  not.  Oh  no,  I  don't 
want  you  to." 

"Then  I  withdraw  ' mangel-wurzel,' " 
said  Sim):: on  gallantly. 

"  I  think  I  can  guess,"  said  Blair. 

It 's ." 

"  Whisper  it,"  said  Simpson.  "  I  'm 
never  going  to  know." 

Blair  whispered  it. 

"  Yes,"    said   Myra    disappointedly, 

that 's  it."  A.  A.  M. 


THE    TRIALS    OF    A    WOMAN 
OF    GENIUS. 

IV. 

Sunday. — Another  perturbing  day. 
Peter  was  detained  in  town  on  Saturday 
and  only  got  home  just  before  dinner. 
It  was  a  curious  meal.  Miss  Stacker, 
after  talking  and  playing  music  all  the 
afternoon  with  me,  suddenly  developad 
into  a  full-blown  Philistine,  and  the 
conversation  at  dinner  took  the  form  of 
a  duologue  between  her  and  Peter  on 
golf  and  county  cricket,  on  both  of 
which  subjects  she  seams  to  be  an 
enthusiast  and  an  expert.  If  it  had 
been  base-ball,  which  I  believe  is  the 
American  game, I  could  have  understood 
it  better,  but  whenever  I  tried  to  get 
her  to  talk  about  her  native  country  she 
was  uncommunicative  and  evasive.  At 
last  I  couldn't  help  saying,  "  I  'm  afraid 
you're  not  a  very  loyal  American,"  on 
which  Peter  calmly  said,  "No  wonder, 
considering  she 's  never  been  in  the 
States."  "  Oh,  Peter,"  exclaimed  Miss 
Stooker,  "  you  needn't  have  given  me 
away  so  soon." 

Then  of  course  it  all  had  to  come 
out.  Miss  Miriam  Stooker  is  the  alias 


2,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


77 


MR   Pvsca's  ATTENTION  HAVING  BEEN  CALLED  TO  THE  ABOVE  ENTICING  NOTICES  DISPLAYED  IN  SOME  OF  OUR  LEADING  STOUES,  HE 

•WOULD   LIKE  TO   POINT  OUT  TUB   CLOSE   SIMILARITY   OF   CONDUIONS   IN   THS   INTEUIOIt  OF  THE  SAID  STOltEH   AT   SALE  TIME   AND 


IX   THE  GALLERIES  OF  THE   BllITISH    Ml'SEOM. 


78 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  2,  1'JIL. 


of  Peter's  cousin,  Margaret  Vivian,  the 
female  Admirable  Cricliton,  of  whom  I 
had  heard  so  much  in  former  years, 
hut  had  never  seen  her.  She  played 
cricket  hetter  than  her  brothers,  went 
up  to  Girton  with  a  scholarship,  took  a 
lirst  in  History,  and  then  went  off  to 
Germany  to  study  music.  But  why 
was  it  necessary  to  introduce  her  to  me 
in  the  guise  of  an  American  authoress 
and  under  an  assumed  name?  I  hate 
practical  jokes,  and  this  sesms  to  me 
one  of  the  most  unnecessary  hoaxes  I 
ever  heard  of.  However,  Peter  made 
a  clean  breast  of  it  after  his  cousin  had 
gone  to  bed.  He  is  trying  in  many 
way*,  but  at  least  no  one  can  accuse 
him  of  a  lack  of  candour,  an  1  on  this 
occasion  he  quile  surpassed  himself. 

"  My  dear  Delicia,"  he  began,  "you 
are  an  attractive  and  engaging  young 
,-erson,  and  I  don't  in  the  least  repent 
having  married  you.  You  have  good 
looks,  style  and  inte  ligence.  But  since 
the  fatal  day  when  that  blithering 
fellow  in  Ths  Magnet  told  you  that  you 
had  creative  genius  and  that  it  was 
your  duty  to  cultivate  the  divine  im- 
pulse you  have  threatened  to  develop 
into  a  prig  and  a  bore.  Your  verses 
are  passable,  but  I  have  calculated 
that  they  cost  me  exactly  5s.  a  line." 

I  remindec"  Peter  with  dignity  that 
MILTON  only  received  £5  for  Paradise 
Lost,  but  he  was  ungenerous  enough  to 
retort  that  at  least  MILTON  was  not  out 
of  pocket  on  the  transaction.  He  then 
went  on  to  disparage  my  music  and  to 
criticise  my  theories  of  education,  and 
wound  up  by  saying :  "  The  fact  is 
you  're  not  a  woman  of  genius,  other- 
wise I  should  never  have  dared  to 
marry  you.  You  're  something  much 
hetter,  if  you  only  would  leave  your 
mind  alone.  And  the  only  way  I  could 
devise  of  converting  you  to  my  mode  of 
thinking  was  to  bring  you  up  against 
the  genuine  article  and  let  you  see  the 
difference.  If  I  had  asked  Margaret 
here  in  the  ordinary  way  you  would 
have  paid  no  attention  to  her.  So  I 
induced  her  to  come  as  an  admirer 
of  your  poetry,  and  just  let  things 
work  themselves  out.  The  result,  so 
far  as  I  can  gather,  has  been  excellent. 
You  admit  that  you  can't  compete 
with  Margaret,  and  the  admission 
does  credit  to  your  sanity,  as  she  is 
an  invincible  person." 

Thus  ended  the  longest  speech  I 
ever  heard  Peter  make.  I  was  in- 
expressibly wounded  by  his  tone,  but 
the  worst  of  all  was  that  most  of  what 
he  said  was  true.  So  with  an  immense 
effort  of  self-restraint  I  said  nothing. 
Visions  of  the  denoiument  of  The  Doll's 
House  floated  through  my  brain  in  the 
night,  but  next  day  it  was  Margaret 
who  reconciled  me  to  Peter's  view 


My  music  I  had  already  abandoned, 
but  there  remained  my  poetry.  Yet 
when  I  asked  her  candid  opinion  of  my 
sonnets  she  had  no  difficulty  in  proving 
by  chapter  and  verse  that  they  were 
three  parts  derivative.  When  I  asked 
her  in  despair  what  consolation  was 
left  me,  she  fairly  exploded  :  "  Consola- 
tion !  Why,  you  've  got  a  delightful 
house,  an  indulgent  husband  and  an 
adorable  child.  What  more  do  you 
want  ?  " 

Margaret  goes  to-rrorrow,  but  she 
lias  promised  to  coiX'O  again  and  give 
j  me  lessons  in  counterpoint  and  golf. 
She  says  that  the  first  regulates  the 
emotions  and  the  second  is  a  cure  for 
introspection.  Anyhow,  I  mean  to 
give  her  system  a  trial. 


SHED  FOE  ENGLAND. 
IN  A  TEBBITOIUAL  CAMP. 
MY  land,  and  ye  who  therein  dwell 

Prom  coast  to  guarded  coast, 
Far  be  't  from  me  my  toils  to  tell, 
And  farther  still  to  boast ; 

But  here  from  out  these  broiling  tents 
And  a  most  droughty  throat 

I  hope  I  may,  at  all  events, 
Just  call  on  you  to  note 

That,  though  my  work  be  little  worth, 

My  foot  no  longer  fleet, 
And  one  of — well,  of  generous  girth 

Does  sorely  feel  the  heat ; 

Despite  this  80  in  the  shade, 

At  duty's  call  have  I 
Forsworn  my  flannel  'd  ease  and  laid 

The  airy  blazer  by. 

I  've  bslted  there  and  strapped  on  here 

This  whole  confounded  kit, 
This  swathing,  creaking  mass  of  gear  — 

Phew !  but  just  think  of  it ! 

Hark  ye  in  sheltered  homes,  I  've  lost 
More  than  mere  blood  this  day ; 

But  what  know  ye  of  fighting's  cost 
Who  think  but  of  the  fray  ? 

England,  I  have  not  bled  for  thec, 
Though  with  all  fervour  fired  ; 

That  may  or,  haply,  may  not  be, 
But,  oh  !  I  have  perspired  ! 


"James  Valentine  was  the  first  Knglish  pilot 
to  arrive  ...  By  this  time,  8.30  a.m.,  the 
whole  frame  of  this  part  of  the  Harrogate  Stray 
was  black  with  faces."—  Yorkshire  Evening  Post. 

"  Black  "  !  And  Harrogate's  bathing 
facilities  and  far-famed  waters  meet  us 
at  every  turn. 


"Tarrant  I.b.w.,  1).  Tarrant,  168."— Globe. 
These   long   innings    must    be    ended 
somehow,      however      desperate      the 
means. 


"A   FEIEND." 

I  MET  Eeginald  by  chance  in  Jenny n 
Street    and,    accepting    the  invitation 
j  which    he    omitted    to   offer    me,    ac- 
companied him  up  to  his  rooms. 

I  was  soon  to  regret  my  good  nature, 
however,  for  Beginald  was  in  a  state  of 
the  deepest  dejection. 

"  Eeginald,"  I  said — in  lighter  mood  I 
:  I  call  him  Eeggie,  but  I  saw  at  once  ! 
|  that    this   was    not    a   Eeggie   day— 
,  I'  Eeginald,  you  are  off  colour.     What  [ 
!  is     the     nature     of      your      trouble  ? 
Financial,  physical,  or  social?  " 

I  know  Eeginald's  worldly  ambitions 

:  and  was  not  surprised  therefore  that  at 

the  last  word  he  winced  painfully,  and 

pointed  to  a  pile  of  weekly  illustrated 

papers. 

I  snatched  them  up  one  after 
the  other,  and  hastily  scanned  their 
pages,  fearing  I  knew  not  what. 

"  I  can't  find  anything,"  I  said  at 
length,  "unless  it's  these  portraits  of 
you  at  various  race-meetings.  1  don't 
say  you  look  extraordinarily  hand- 
some in  any—  But  he  cut  me 
short. 

"  Don't  you  see,  you  ass  ?  "  he  said. 
"  Read  the  writing.  '  The  Hon. 
Craven  Coward  in  the  Enclosure  ivith 
a  friend ! '  '  General  Waitingroom 
talking  with  a  friend  !'  '  Sir  Tiddley 
and  Lady  Winks  and  a  friend.'  That 's 
what  makes  me  so  wild.  Why  must  I 
always  be  'a  friend'?  Why  can't  they 
say  who  I  am?  Ain't  I  as  good  as 
the  Winkses?  Or  old  Waitingroom? 
But  I've  got  them  this  time,"  he  went 
on,  cooling  down  a  little.  "  When  I 
was  at  Gcodwood  I  managed  to  get 
|  taken  absolutely  alone." 

At  that  moment  his  man  came  in 
with  the  new  Twaddler,  hot  from  the 
press. 

I  looked  over  Eeginald's  shoulder  as 
he  turned  the  pages  with  trembling 
hands. 

There  he  was,  alone,  as  he  had  said, 
and  wearing  the  self-satisfied  smirk 
which  said  plainly  enough  :  "  Now 
you  can  withhold  my  rights  no  longer." 
Plainly  enough  to  n:e,  that  is  ;  for  the 
photographer  had  unfortunately  failed 
to  interpret  it  correctly,  and  below  was 
the  legend : 

"  Evidently  a  backer  of  Braxted." 
Reginald  Hung  down  the  paper  and 
kicked    a    footstool    savagely,    and   I 
decided  it   would    be   more   tactful  to 
leave  him  with  his  trouble. 

At  the  door  curiosity  overcame  dis- 
cretion, however. 

"  Did  you  back  Braxted  ?  "  I  asked. 
.  A  copy  of  The  Turf  Guide  struck  the 
lintel  a  quarter  of  an  inch  above  my 
head,  and  I  closed  the  door  hastily. 
Evidently  he  had  not. 


AUGUST  2,  1911.] 


PUNCH, 


THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


79 


Xew  tituWe  Laif.  "THAT  'UN  AIN'T  'ARDI.Y  SAFK.     I  \VONUEII  YOU  KFEPS  "IM?" 

"BEST  'oss  WE'VE  GOT;  KIND  'is  WAY  'OME  ALONE  KIIOM  ANYWIIEKE,  'E  wn.i,.  I.IKE  A 


MUSIC    AND    MUEDEB. 

[Suggested  by  a  recent  appreciation  of 
"Scheherazade  "  liy  "E.C."  in  The,  Dally  Mail.] 

"  ANOTHER  prodigious  success  was 
achieved  on  Saturday  night  by  the 
Circassian  dancers  at  Covent  Garden. 
Nothing  more  beautiful — nothing  so 
beautiful,  one  may  boldly  assert— can 
ever  have  been  seen  on  any  stage  sinco 
the  world  began.  '  Mirza  Schaffy  '  is 
the  name  of  this  soul-shaking  ballet,  in 
which  all  the  splendours  of  the  Georgian 
imagination  are  condensed  in  one  short 
hour  of  delirious  ecstasy.  The  scene, 
which  is  laid  in  the  palace  of 
Semangellina,  the  Empress  of  Tiflis, 
is  a  stupendous  harmony  of  opalescent 
hues,  and  the  action  passes  on  the  roof 
garden  of  a  Caucasian  Temple,  honey- 
combed with  oubliettes.  Semangellina, 
who  is  in  love  with  her  Prime  Minister, 
Prince  Mirza  Schaffy,  resolves  to  test 
his  devotion  by  ordering  all  the  members 
of  his  family  to  immolate  themselves  by 
jumping  down  the  oubliettes  to  slow 
music.  When  some  of  them  refuse, 
the  Empress  summons  her  janis- 


saries to  execute  the  recalcitrants, 
and  an  appalling  scene  of  carnage  and 
horror  ensues.  Gigantic  soldiers  with 
enormous  scimitars  slay  right  and  left, 
heads  are  mown  off  by  scores,  and  the 
shrieks  of  the  decapitated  victims  are 
echoed  in  the  highest  registers  of  the 
piccolos  and  oboes.  The  enormous 
effect  of  the  scene  proves  to  absolute 
demonstration  that  the  ballet  is  to  be 
ranked  with  the  highest  emanations 
of  any  other  art,  glyptic,  pictorial  or 
dramatic.  But  the  chief  aesthetic 
significance  of  the  spectacle  is  to  be 
found  in  the  marvellous  persuasive- 
ness of  the  orchestra.  An  ancient  poet 
taught  us  that  music  has  power  to 
soothe  the  savage  breast.  It  has  been 
reserved  for  the  genius  of  Bobolinsky- 
Kluchnikoff  to  prove  that  the  most 
repulsive  and  nauseating  savagery 
can  be  rendered  not  only  endur- 
able but  fascinating  when  asso- 
ciated  with  refined  and  sparkling 
j  orchestration.  It  is  devoutly  to  be 
i  hoped  that  this  novel  and  exhilarating 
illustration  of  the  influence  of  music 
1  will  not  be  overlooked  by  our  native 


composers  in  their  quest  for  unexploited 
sensations.  Music  has  too  long  been 
concerned  with  the  glorification  of 
insipidity.  In  future  it  will  be  its  noble 
task  to  reconcile  us  to  the  delights  of 
carnage  and  to  lend  a  fresh  savour  to 
the  extravagance  of  haematomania." 

After  describing  Mr.  BALKOUR'S 
rebuke  to  the  HOME  SKCUKTAKY  on  the 
famous  night  of  the  uproar  in  the 
House,  the  Scotsman  says:  "Mr. 
Churchill  winced  in  siknce."  This 
from  a  serious  Scotch  paper! 


"  It  is  understood  tluit  the  iimrrmx>-  l»-t» 
Earl  I'eri-y  and  Lady  Helen  OamM-Lw 
will  ueri-lelirak-d  shortly  after  tlir  Ulli  IVtci 
the  elosiiif?  day  of  the  S]>ey  roil  lUliin^'." 


-IW.-.-II 


Duty  first  ! 


"(.iAniiiNEiu— On  the  7th  July,  at  Whit.- 
thorn,  IJai  ton-road,  ChmM^R  ''"'  wllt-  "' 
Professor  I.  Stanley  lianliner.  F.K.S.  («»'  /'/-. 
MM  U'illnrk),  of  a  daughter."— fituMtard. 

As  we  have  always  said  of  the  lady 
I  doctor,  nascitur  non  fit. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


French  Examiner  (consulting  list  of  candidates  for  linguistic  honours).   "  QUEI,  Kit  VOTKE  XUMERO  ? " 
Cadet.  "ER— MY  NAME  ISN'T  KELLY,  IT'S  DICKSON!" 


HINTS  TO  TRAVELLERS. 

IF  you  must  be  a  traveller,  be  a 
bond-fide  traveller.  It  will  come  in 
useful,  you  will  find,  on  thirsty  Sun- 
days. 

All  roads  lead  to  Rome.  This,  how- 
ever, does  not  apply  to  railroads. 
Margate,  therefore,  is  still  open  for 
consideration  as  a  possible  holiday 
resort. 

Margate  is  not  the  only  Queen  of 
Watering  Places.  There  are  two  hun- 
dred and  thirty-one  other  queens.  If 
you  cannot  make  up  your  mind  as  to 
which  you  prefer,  leave  it  to  the  Book- 
ing Clerk.  He  w  11  submit  a  list  of 
names  and,  while  you  are  thinking  the 
matter  out,  the  people  behind  you  will 
keep  up  the  flow  of  conversation. 

Having  sufficiently  stirred  the  Book- 
ing Clerk  from  his  state  of  apathy, 
turn  your  attention  to  the  porters. 
But  wariness  is  essential  with  these,  as 
they  are  not  kept  in  cages. 

When  you  have  selected  your  car- 
riage and  sat  in  it,  no  one  else  has  a 
right  to  get  in  without  your  permission. 
Let  your  expression  of  greeting  to  in- 
truders leave  no  doubt  as  to  this. 

It  is  your  prerogative  to  have  a 
carriage  to  yourself,  Though  you  can- 
not sit  in  ten  seats  at  once,  the  fact  of 


other  people  sitting  in  them  is  an 
insult  to  you  and  to  ba  resented  as 
such. 

The  safest  place  in  the  carriage,  in 
case  of  accidents,  is  on  the  rack.  This 
is  provided  primarily  for  light  articles. 
You  may  be  light,  but  cannot,  unless  I 
am  mistaken  in  you,  be  an  article. 
For  the  convenience  of  the  Company 
and  your  own  comfort,  it  is  advisable 
only  to  resort  to  the  rack  when  there 
is  going  to  be  an  accident. 

If  a  fellow-passenger  starts  offering 
you  papers,  you  might  as  well  accept 
the  first  and  save  yourself  trouble.  He 
will  make  you  read  something  before 
he  has  done  with  you. 

Avoid  friendships  with  guards.    They 

cost  a  shilling  a  time.     Also,  any  com- 

|  munications  you  desire  to  make  to  the 

1  driver   should   not   be  made   by  cord. 

This  is  even  more  expensive. 

Do  not  throw  bottles  out  on  to  the 
line.  Keep  them,  during  your  journey, 
in  the  pockets  in  which  you  habitually 
carry  them. 

I  once  had  the  privilege  of  travelling 
in  the  same  carriage  with  a  honeymoon 
couple  of  the  working  class.  With  his 
lel't  hand  the  bridegroom  held  the  right 
hand  of  the  bride.  With  his  right  he 
held  the  humorous  paper  he  was 
reading  at  the  time.  His  idea  was,  I 


think,  to  combine  business  and 
pleasure. 

When  you  go  on  your  honeymoon, 
you  will  have  not  only  to  travel  first- 
class,  but  als:>  to  buy  two  first-class 
tickets  for  the  purpose.  Knowing  you 
as  I  do,  I  shall  be  heartily  amused  if 
a  third-class  ticket-holder  insists  on 
travelling  in  your  carriage. 

The  worst  part  of  quarrelling  with 
a  railway  company  is  the  feeling  that 
the  Company  is  never  upset  about  it. 
I  have  written  to  my  own  pet  company 
no  fewer  than  five  times  to  tell  it  that 
I  am  surprised  at  it,  and  still  it  goes  on. 

Return  tickets  are  available  for  six 
months,  a  fact  to  be  pointed  out,  with 
significant  emphasis,  to  your  hostess 
on  arrival. 


"Jones  made  his  103  out  of  165  in  ninety- 
five  minutes,  and  did  not  give  a  chance.  He 
hit  one  66  and  13  4's."— Evening  News. 
The  stroke  which  produced  66  was  one 
of  the  most  remarkable  ever  sean.  It 
was  not  exactly  a  drive  and  not  exactly 
a  cut,  but  it  did  the  fieldsman's  business. 


"Mr.  J.  B.   Hammond,  millionaire  inventoi 
of  the  typewriter,  who  is  73  years  of  age,  has 
left  New  York  on  a  twenty-seven  years'  cruise." 
Manchester  Evening  jVewf. 

We  shall  look  out  for  his  account  of  it 
in  The  Daily  Mail. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. -AUGUST  2.  1911. 


"> 

500 

LIBERAL  PEERS 


THE    OLD    TKOJAN. 


LORD  LANSDOWNE.  » DON'T    LUG    THAT    INFERNAL    MACHINE    INTO    THE    CITADEL.      THE 
THING'S  FULL  OF  ENEMIES." 

LORD  HALSBUEY.  "I   KNOW.      THAT'S  WHERE   MY  HEROISM  COMES  IN." 


AUGUST  2,  1911.] 


PUNCH. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(KXTKAWKD  KIHIM  THE  DlAKY  (!F  ToilY,   .M.I',  i 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July  24. 
— Since  the  free  fight  on  floor  of  House 
that  disgraced  the  Session  of  1893, 
nothing  lias  equalled  the  tumult 
that  filled  the  Chamber  this  after- 
noon. Nearest  approach  was  when 
Liberals  expected  PRINCE  ARTHUR, 
then  Premier,  personally  to  define  his 
views  on  current  stage  of  Tariff  Reform 
question  and  with  modesty  habitually 
predominant  in  connection  with  this 
question  he  put  up  ALFRED  LYTTKLTON 
in  his  place.  A  mere  squib  compared 
with  to-night's  explosion. 

That  the  outbreak  was  organised 
was  obvious,  is  indeed  not  denied. 
Questions  disposed  of,  Clerk  read  out 
First  Order  of  Day.  "Parliament  Bill: 
Consideration  of  Lords'  Amendments." 
PREMIER  rose  amid  storm  of  cheering 
from  his  supporters.  Taking  up  sheet 
of  manuscript,  placed  on  brass-bound 
box  as  he  entered,  he  smoothed  it  out 
and,  the  cheers  subsiding,  began  his 
speech.  Instantly  uprose  from  group 
behind  Front  Opposition  Bench,  on 
which  PRINCE  ARTHUR  lolled  with 
languorous  air,  cries  of  "  Traitor  ! 
Traitor!  "  Shout  taken  up  from  front 
benches  below  Gangway.  COUSIN 
HUGH  in  corner  seat,  pale  to  the  lips, 
with  blazing  eyes  and  frail  form  shaken 
by  tempestuous  passion,  led  the  rally. 
I  In  vain  the  SPEAKER,  who  from  first  to 
last  preserved  unruffled  mien,  a  digni- 
fied contrast  to  the  turmoil  on  both 
sides,  made  earnest  appeal  for  pre- 
servation af  order. 

It  proved  unavailing.  WILL  CROOKS 
rose  to  deliver  brief  lesson  in  deport- 
ment. Though  he  was  highly  qualified 
for  mission,  Opposition  would  r 
have  none  of  him.  In 
locality  where  the  waters 
come  down  from  Lodore, 
WILLIAM'S  voice  might  per- 
haps have  been  heard.  Effort 
hopeless  amid  present  din. 
McCuLLAM  SCOTT,  en- 
deavouring to  take  a  hand, 
was  literally  bawled  down. 
CHIOZZA  MONEY  flung  himself 
on  the  counter  (so  to  speak) 
to  prove  his  genuineness. 
"A  bad  shilling!"  shrieked 
a  voice  below  Gangway 
opposite,  and  MONEY  was 
contemptuously  chucked 
back.  SPEAKER'S  attention 
called  to  ARCHEU-SHEE,  but 
in  the  uproar  no  conse- 
quences followed. 

HUNT  popped  up  and 
down  like  a  parched  pea 
in  a  frying-pan  yelling, 
"Point  of  Order."  EDWAHD 


THK  CASTK  OF   "  VIDK   1)1    VIDE." 
(A  study  of  Lord  Hv<;ii  CECIL  betii'c  kimuff.) 
"  Indeed  I  heard  one  bitter  word 

That  scarce  is  tit  for  you  to  hoar ; 

Her  manners  had  not  that  ivposc 

Which  stamps  the  caste  of  Vere  dc  Vere." — 


CARSON  moved  adjournment  of  debate.  |  Through  it  all  the  PREMIER  stood  by 
SPEAKER,  ready  at  every  turn,  pointed  j  brass-bound  box,  getting  in  a  sentence 
out  that  debate  had  not  yet  been  here  and  there  in  comparative  lull  in 
F.  E.  SMITH  waved  both  •  uproar.  Proceedings,  save  in  the  matter 
eloquent  though  inaudible  j  of  harmony,  were  something  in  way 

'  of  an  oratorio.  A  line  was  sung 
solo  by  the  PREMIER.  Then  broke 
in  the  roar  of  chorus,  with  the  voice  of 


opened. 

arms    in 

argument.      All    the    while   in   corner 

seat     below     Gangway     sat     COUSIN 

HUGH,   like    the    bird    of    evil    omen 


perched  on  the  bust  of  Pallas  above 
the  chamber  doer,  forlornly  croaking, 
'Vide,  'vide,  'vido." 


!',  I- 1  •  • 


"GENTLEMEN  r.  THK  RKST  OK  ENGLAND." 

(A  fixture  which  we  trust  will  not  be  repeated.) 
Through  it  nil  thn  Premier  stood  by  brans-bound  box 


HUNT  accompanying  it  in  the  part  of 
the  big  bassoon.  The  tenor  got  off 
another  bar  of  his  solo,  and  the  chorus 
almost  literally  swept  him 
off  hjs  legs  with  roar  of 
execration. 

Most  striking  part  of  per- 
formance was  that  PREMIER 
absolutely  ignored  interrup- 
tions. Not  that  they  failed 
in  point.  COUSIN  HUGH 
varied  his  plaintive  monody 
by  remarking,  "  You  have 
broken  the  Constitution." 
Later  ho  contributed  to 
amenities  of  occasion  remark 
addressed  to  LEADER  OF 
HOUSE,  "  You  are  absolutely 
unworthy  of  your  position." 

PREMIER  took  no  more 
notice  of  him  than  if  he  were 
a  fly  settled  on  somebody 
else's  nose.  Went  on  when- 
ever he  found  a  chance,  pre- 
serving strict  sequence  of  his 
type-written  sentences.  For 
full  forty  minutes  the  struggle 
lasted — a  hundred  men  against 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  2,  1911. 


one.  At  last,  with  angry  gesture,  the 
PREMIER  rolled  up  his  manuscript  and, 
facing  round  to  his  supporters,  protested, 
"  I  am  not  going  to  degrade  myself  by 
further  endeavouring  to  press  argu- 
ments on  people  who  are  evidently 
resolved  not  to  listen." 

A  fresh  burst  of  cheering  followed, 
Ministerialists  leaping  to  their  feet  and 
waving  hats  and  handkerchiefs. 

"  The  question  is,"  said  t'-e  SPEAKER, 
"  that  the  Lords'  Amendments  be  now 
considered." 

Promptly  PRINCE  ARTHUR  rose, 
greeted  by  hearty  cheers  from  excited 
throng  to  left  of  Chair.  In  ordinary 
familiar  course  of  events  now  would 
have  been  the  turn  of  the  Ministerialists. 
Their  chieftain  had  been  howled  down. 
In  accordance  with  old  practice  they 
would  give  LEADER  OF  OPPOSITION  a 
turn. 

There  came  into  operation  pretty 
little  action  illustrative  of  the  chivalry 
native  to  the  House  in  its  maddest 
moments.  The  PEEMIEE,  foreseeing 
what  would  happen  when  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  took  the  floor,  had  privily 
despatched  the  MASTER  OF  ELIBANK 
with  injunction  to  his  men  to  refrain 
from  reprisals.  For  somo  minutes 
ELIBANK  was  seen  fluttering  round, 
dove-like,  with  olive  leaf  in  his  beak. 
Effect  marvellous.  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
was  listened  to  in  silence,  an  unex- 
pected reception  he  gratefully  acknow- 
ledged. 

But  there  were  limits  to  fo  bearance. 
When  F.  E.  SMITH  proposed  to  follow, 
storm  broke  forth  again,  not  subsiding 
till,  at  the  end  of  five  minutes,  he 
gave  in  and  resumed  his  seat,  having 
uttered  no  other  audible  phrase  than 
"  Mr.  Speaker " 

Proceedings  brought  to  abrupt  end. 
The  SPEAKER,  acting  under  new 
Standing  Order  provided  to  meet 
cases  of  grave  disorder,  adjourned  the 
House  without  Question  put. 

"Familiar  with  the  petition,  'Save 
me  from  my  friends,' "  said  SARK  as 
we  walked  off  together,  "ono  might 
be  inclined  in  cases  such  as  this  to 
cry  aloud,  '  Commend  me  to  my 
enemies.'  If  the  young  lions  in  the 
Opposition  den  had  been  suborned  by 
ASQUITH  to  get  up  this  afternoon's 
performance  they  could  not  have  more 
effectively  earned  their  wage.  It  will 
not  only  strengthen  the  bonds  between 
himself  and  his  followers  in  the  House 
and  through  the  country,  it  w  II 
grievously  damage  the  already  stricken 
cause  of  the  Peers.  If  these  be  the 
champions  of  that  venerable  institution, 
these  the  exponents  of  the  principle 
of  Law  and  Order,  that  shrewd  person 
the  Man  in  the  Street  will  be  inclined 
to  say  he  is  not  taking  any." 


Business     done. — None. 

Tuesday. — Seemed  when  SPEAKER 
took  Chair  this  afternoon  that  House, 
naturally  shamefaced  in  remembrance 
of  yesterday's  proceedings,  had  relapsed 
into  old  humdrum  manner.  Benches 
only  half  filled.  Questions  on  paper 
devoid  of  interest.  Appearances  how- 
ever not  for  first  time  illusory.  BIRRELL, 
rattling  through  answer  of  one  of  string 
of  Irish  questions,  was  suddenly  inter- 
rupte  1  by  ringing  cheer  that  rose  and 
swelled  with  gathering  force.  Turning 
sharply  round  he  perceived  PREMIER 
entering  from  behind  the  SPEAKER'S 
Cha:r. 


DON'T  KEIU  HAUDIE  and  tli=  lutest  Socialist 
modes  for  Merthyr  Tydtil. 

Possibly  Ministerialists  might  have 
been  satisfied  with  this  significant 
welcome  had  it  not  been  for  COUSIN 
HUGH.  PRIME  MINISTER  sharply  re- 
torted to  enquiry  of  EUPERT  GWYNNE, 
"I  refuse  to  answer  insolent  questions." 
This  naturally  shocked  COUSIN  HUGH'S 
severe  idea  of  decencies  of  debate. 
Rising  to  call  the  SPEAKER'S  attention 
to  the  bad  language  he  was  greeted 
by  howl  of  execration  from  benches 
opposite.  For  some  minutes  he  stood 
facing  the  music.  When  he  attempted 
to  speak  there  broke  forth  the  cry 
which  he  himself  yesterday  employed 
to  discomfiture  of  PRIME  MINISTER. 

"  May  I  ask—    ."  he  shouted. 

"'Vide,  'vide,  'vide!"  roared  the 
Ministerialists. 

In  a  rough-and-tumble  scrimmage 
COUSIN  HUGH  does  not  seem  to  promise 


much.  But' his  courage  is  indomitable. 
Thrice  he  interposed,  calling  down 
upon  his  head  a  fresh  storm  of  angry 
interruption.  Incidentally  BIRRKLL 
continued  to  read  out  answers  to  the 
questions  addressed  to  him  on  the 
paper.  COUSIN  HUGH  rising  to  give 
voice  to  a  fresh  thought  personal  to 
the  PREMIER,  uproar  broke  out  again 
and  the  CHIEF  SECRETARY  was  fain  to 
stand  silent  at  the  Table. 

A  more  genial  episode  was  appear- 
ance on  scene  of  DON'T  KEIR  HAUDIE. 
Either  by  happy  accident  or  by  acute 
prevision  he  had  for  this  occasion 
possessed  himself  of  a  reach-me-down 
nit  of  white  flannels,  a  touch  of  many 
colours  being  added  by  a  gorgeous 
cummerbund.  Whilst  the  row  was 
in  progress  he,  after  manner  of  limited 
supply  of  supers  on  transpontine  stage, 
trotted  in  and  out.  However  high 
angry  passion  might  have  risen  as 
soon  as  Members  caught  sight  of  the 
white  suit  and  the  coy  cummerbund, 
they  burst  in'o  hilarious  shout  of 
laughter  and  ironical  cheering. 

Then  COUSIN  HUGH  took  another 
turn.  A  wild  roar  greeted  him.  It 
seemed  as  if  we  were  coming  to  fisti- 
cu9Fs  as  in  1893,  when  from  under  the 
glass  door  leading  from  the  Lobby  there 
flashed  a  gleam  of  white  with  indication 
of  a  streak  of  rainbow.  It  was  DON'T 
KEIH  HAEDIE  and  his  cummeib  md 
I)  ick  again.  Once  more  angry  passion 
changed  to  burst  of  genuine  merriment. 
In  the  end  the  SPEAKER  put  down 
COUSIN  HUGH  with  sharp  reproof  and, 
the  House  getting  into  Committee  of 
Supply,  the  excited  multitude  broke  up 
and  disappeared. 

Business  done. — India  Budget  ex- 
pounded by  UNDER-SECRETARY.  Eesult 
wholesomely  soporific. 


Scandal  at  a  "Watering-place. 

"MALVEUN. — Furnished    Residence;    large 
lounge  hall,  three  reception,  eight  bed  rooms  ; 
beautiful      grounds     and     charming,      retired 
situation  ;  cook  and  husband  could  be  left." 
The  Jjinninijham  Daily  Post. 

We  are  interested  to  know  whether  it 
is  the  lady  of  the  house  or  her  husband 
who  is  responsible  for  the  above 
advertisement. 


"Rain  began  to  fall  heavily  at  two  o'clock, 
with  the  result  that  the  garden  party  at  Holy- 
rood  Palace  in  all  probability  will  be  cancelled. 

Hetting — 6  to  4  on  Toggery." 

Edinburgh  Evening  DispaMi. 

We  should  hardly  estimate  Toggery's 
chances  so  highly  in  sujh  weather. 


"(icorgc  Duncan,  of  the  Hangerhill  Club, 
London,  will  make  an  eight  weeks'  tour  iu 
America  during  September." — Tiu;  Courier. 

Desperate  time-savers  these  Hangerhill 
champions. 


AUGUST  2,  1911.] 


THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


85 


Mike(toalurumusUgocsoff).  "I  FOOLED  YKZ  THAT  TIME.     I  WAS  NOT  ASLAFE  AT  ALL." 


A    GLOSSARY    OF    POLITICAL    TERMS. 
(For  Use  in  a  Crisis.) 

LAST  DITCH. — A  receptacle  for  poor  thinking  and  high 
falutin.  Favourite  death-place  for  advanced  politicians 
who  do  not  intend  to  die — at  least,  not  there — and  who,  as 
a  matter  of  fact,  always  survive  misfortunes  which  have 
made  strange  ditch-fellows. 

No  SURRENDER. — An  expression  much  used  by  those  who 
attempt  to  disguise  a  defeat  by  congratulating  cne  another  on 
their  indomitable  courage  and  to  reveal  their  love  for  their 
leader  by  disregarding  his  advice  and  attempting  to  shatter 
his  authority.  After  which  they  surrender  with  the  rest. 

CECIL. — (1)  A  place  where  Dukes  and  Smiths  combine 
to  banquet  a  former  creator  of  judges  who  is  not  to  be 
satisfied  without  a  creation  of  Peers. 

(2)  A  gentleman  from  Oxford  University,  noted  for  the 
amenity  of  his  manners  and  the  suavity  of  his  language. 
An  expert  in  the  organisation  of  impromptu  anger.  Hold- 
ing that  silence  is  golden,  he  has  shiieked  down  a  Prime 
Minister  and  reduced  a  Speaker  to  impotence.  Conscious, 
as  he  is,  of  his  merits,  he  esteems  lightly  and  denounces 
shrilly  those  who  fail  to  share  his  exalted  estimate  of  his 
own  immaculate  perfection. 

CAD.— Term  supposed  by  those  who  bravely  use  it  under 
cover  of  uproar  to  be  vividly  descriptive  of  an  English 
gentleman  who  happens  to  be  Prime  Minister. 

TBAITOR. — A  genial  word  conveying  political  disagree- 
ment. Has  been  howled  out  by  many  whose  language  (like 
the  raven's  answer)  "  little  meaning,  little  relevancy,  bore." 

THK  HOUSE  OP  LOEDS. — (1)  The  last  rampart  of  British 
liberty.  (2)  An  effete  assembly  of  arrogant  people-crushers 
combined  together  for  the  destruction  of  freedom  and 
capable  of  being  checked  and  cured  only  by  the  duplication 
of  their  number. 


"It  was  a  red  herring,"   said   the  Borough  Councillor, 
"  and  now  it  has  come  home  to  roost." 


ANOTHER  BOOK  THAT  HAS  HELPED. 

WHEN  editors  my  proffered  poems  scorn 
(Always,  of  course,  regretfully  polite), 

And  lack  of  luck  is  moving  me  to  mourn 
The  homing  instincts  of  the  things  I  writo, 

'Tis  then  that  in  my  agony  I  look 

For  consolation  to  my  favourite  book. 

KEATS  cannot  cure  my  tendency  to  mope, 
Nor  SHELLEY  dissipate  my  anxious  frown  ; 

I  cannot  find  resuscitated  hope 

In  either  of  the  Swans  of  Stratford  town  ; 

Nor  is  the  volume  RUDYABD'S  goodly  tome 

Of  ballads  (with  the  H's  "  not  at  home  "). 

No  !    It  is  lettered  in  a  golden  tint 

"The  Works  of  Self,"  and  folio  number  one 

Displays  my  verses  which  appeared  in  print 
Last  summer  in  The  Little  Sapleigh  Sun. 

I  note  the  cultured  rhyme,  the  sparkling  wit 

Embodied  in  that  jocund  little  fytte. 

And  once  again  I  laugh  at  Fortune's  kicks, 
Once  more  I  feel  assured  that  now  and  then 

My  verse  may  yet  be  privileged  to  mix 
With  snappy  pars  about  the  Upper  Ten ; 

And  so  return  the  volume  to  its  shelf 

With  renovated  confidence  in  Self. 

Britain  on  the  Qui  Vive. 

"3.  Paragraph  56A.     Inline  '1  after  '  Sunday '  for  'Her1  ami  inline:! 
after  'Tlunsday  '  fur  '  sago  '  sitbtt iliile  '  Manc-mangi- '  in  iwh  case." 

Army  Itrtlfn. 

"  In  the  story  of  'Making  the  Crew'  which  follows,  thi-ir  ait-  reciU.1 
the  axperieapes  of  many  a  college  oarsman  who  lias  bceii  famous  at  his 
alma  water." — Montreal  Standard. 
What  has  ALMA  TAOEMA  to  say  to  this? 


86 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  2,  1911. 


BLANCHE'S  LETTERS, 

A  BACKWARD  GLANCE. 

Park  Lane. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — Among  the  tra- 
gediettas  of  tli3  season  now  in  extremis 
has  been  the  social  suicide  of  Mrs. 
Jimmy  Sliarpe.  She  's  been  in  a  long 
time,  "but  she  's  out  again  now,  and 
may  knock  and  ring  for  the  rest  of  her 
life  without  rinding  anyone  to  open  the 
door. 

She  was  a  good  bit  of  an  outsider 
when  the  Flummerys  first  mat  her  some- 
where abroa:!,  conceived  a  violent  fancy 
for  her,  after  their  faslr  on  and  took  her 
up.  Once  taken  up,  she  did  the  rest 
herself,  and  in  a  short  time  one  met 
her  cren/where  that  was  anywhere. 
She  got  a  big  reputation  as  a  funny 
woman  aid  taller  of  risque  stories,  and 
was  in  grjat  request  at  dinners  and 
suppers  and  country-houss  parties.  I 
never  thought  her  particularly  witty — 
and  Eay  Rimington,  who's  by  way  of 
being  a  bel  esprit  himself,  says  in  Jiis 
opinion  a  woman  has  no  more  business 
to  be  a  wit  than  to  have  a  beard  or  a 
deep  voice  !  However  that  may  be, 
MLS.  Jimmy,  finding  lately  that  her 
wit  was  petering  out  and  her  stock  of 
risque  stories  was  running  low  (Norty 
says  they  generally  did  run  low  !),  has 
taken  to  practical  joking  (the  derniere 
ressource  of  a  played-out  wit),  and  has 
now  made  her  last  joke,  practical  or 
otherwisa,  in  our  world. 

This  was  how  it  happened.  This 
summer  the  Dunstab'es  have  had  a 
series  of  week-end  parties  at  their  place 
near  Bichmond,  Eiverside  Court.  I 
never  ccu'.d  stand  the  Dunstables.  The 
two  old  people  are  awful,  the  girls 
are  tombstones,  and  young  Luton  is  a 
prig  of  the  first  magnitude.  They 
belong  to  the  set  dubbed  by  nous  autrcs 
The  Deadly-Dulls — fearful  creatures, 
among  whom  are  current  such  phrases 
as  "  the  duties  of  our  station  " — "  the 
proper  bringing-up  of  children  " — "the 
pleasures  of  domestic  life,"  and  so  on — 
and  the  week-end  parties  at  Riverside 
Court  have  been  of  the  hopelessly 
stodgy  sort  described  by  that  wonderful 
old  mid- Victorian  word,  1  expectable. 
To  one  of  these  week-end  parties, 
however,  in  order,  I  suppose,  to  leaven 
the  lump  of  respectability  a  little,  they 
invited  Mrs.  Jimmy  Sharpe,  it  being 
understood,  of  course, .that  no  risque 
stories  would  be  tolerated,  that  she  was 
to  be,  as  SHAKSPEAEE  says,  as  amusing 
as  the  serpent  but  as  harmless  as  the 
dove.  A  few  days  before  going  she  was 
at  a  little  supper  at  the  Gardenia  Club 
and  had  a  wager  with  Giddy  Tremayne 
(he  'a  a  relative  of  the  Dunstables  and 
a  shaking  of  the  head  among  them), 
that  she  would  disappoint  the  old 


Duchess  of  six  of  her  expected  guests 
(whom  she,  Mrs.  Jimmy,  happened  to 
have  heard  of  as  being  in  the  same  week- 
end party),  six  female  leaders  of  the 
Deadly-Dulls— six  pillars  of  propriety 
— six  monuments  of  all  the  domestic 
virtues —and  would  do  it  by  means  of 
the  following  anonymous  letter,  drawn 
up  at  the  supper  table  amid  yells  of 
laugh'er: — "  A  Friend  counsels  you  not 
to  go  to  Riverside  Court  this  week-end. 
He  will  be  there,  and  danger  is  in  the 
air." 

The  wager  was  for  a  cool  thousand — 
evens.  The  six  letters  were  sent.  On 
Saturday  Mrs.  Jimmy  went  to  Riverside 
Court,  and  Giddy,  with  the  privi- 
lege of  relationship,  went  uninvited  "to 
see  fair."  Three  of  the  six  leaders  of 
the  Deadly- Dulls  and  pillars  of  pro- 
priety weighed  in  all  right  and  seerred 
to  have  nothing  on  their  minds,  but  at 
dinner  the  old  Duchess  said,  "Influenza 
sesms  to  be  coming  out  of  its  season. 
Poor  dear  So-and-so  and  So-and-so  " 
(namng  two  of  the  absent  leaders  ol 
the  D-D.'s)  "  write  to  excuse  themselves 
on  the  score  of  terrible  colds,  and  dear 
So-and-so"  (naming  the  third  absentee 
— I  don't  write  their  names,  leaving 
you  to  guess  them,  my  dearest)  "has 
been  suddenly  summoned  to  Scotland 
by  the  illness  of  an  aunt."  Mrs. 
Jimmy  and  Giddy,  no  doubt,  exchanged 
eloquent  looks  across  the  table,  and 
next  day  they  were  stupid  enough  to 
have  a  dispute  about  how  the  wager 
should  be  settled,  on  the  laivn — a  dis 
pute  overheard  by  someone  in  an 
arbour  they  hadn't  noticed — and,  hey 
presto !  the  fat  was  in  the  fire  in  no 
time,  and  now  Mrs.  Jimmy  's  outside 
for  ever.  She  quite  deserves  it.  A 
snake  in  the  grass,  hitting  below  the 
belt  in  that  way,  is  a  danger  to  us  all. 

AIL  the  maharajahs  who  came  over  to 
coronate  were  darlings  (they  made  such 
lovely  bits  of  colour  at  one's  parties!), 
but  the  darlingest  of  them  all  was  the 
Ghezam  of  Pondypore,  who  has  become 
a  great  friend  of  mine.  I  simply  love 
his  grave,  gentle,  graceful  way,  with 
just  a  teeny-weeny  soupgon  of  the 
Bengal  tiger  somewhere  in  the  offing. 
I  talked  to  him  about  TAMEBLANE,  and 
the  Rig  Vedas,  and  the  Koran,  and 
Buddhism  and  Brahmanism  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing, and  I  'm  sure  he  was 
immensely  astonished  at  my  knowledge 
of  his  country.  Josiah  was  as  rude  to 
him  as  he  dared  to  be,  and  always 
spoke  of  him  to  me  as  "  that  darkie  !  ''' 

When  the  dear  Ghezam  left  London 
he  sent  me  a  red  rose,  and  a  card  to 
say  his  "devotion  will  last  as  long  as 
the  rose  shall  bloom."  Not  a  very 
long  time,  that,  you  say.  Don't  be  too 
sure,  my  dear!  Each  petal  of  the  red 
rose  is  a  ruby,  the  dewdrops  en  it  are 


diamonds,  and  the  loaves  are  emeralds. 
Isn't  he  a  love  ?  Babs  and  the  rest 
of  them  were  perfectly  sick  with  envy 
the  first  time  I  wore  it  (as  a  corsage 
ornament).  He  has  invited  me  to 
Pondypore  as  his  guest  for  the  Durbar, 
and  of  course  I'm  going.  "You're  not 
going,"  said  Josiah  yesterday.  "  I 
certainly  am  going,"  I  replied.  "I've 
promised  Balaji.1'  "  \Vho  's  Balaji, 
pray?"  he  demanded,  quite  glaiing 
at  me.  "Well,  the  Ghezam,  then," 
I  said.  "  Now  look  here,  Blanche," 
he  said,  "  I  don't  often  put  my  foot 
down,  but  I  put  it  down  now.  I 
won't  have  you  cavorting  about  India 
with  this  darkie  that  you  call  the 
Ghezam.  Mind!  I  won't!"  "Your 
point  of  view  is  just  as  narrow  and  as 
wrong  as  it  can  be,"  I  told  him  calmly. 
"  Why  don't  you  try  to  tiv.nkimpcrially? 
Can't  you  see  what  profound  policy  it 
is,  how  good  for  our  Indian  Empire, 
that  we  Englishwomen  should  have 
an  influence  for  good  over  the  native 
princes  ?  "  "  Stuffannonsense  !  "  he 
cried.  (That 's  an  expression  I  've  never 
been  able  to  break  him  of,  and  he  pro- 
nounces it  as  spelt  above.)  "  If  you 
want  to  see  the  Durbar,  you  shall  see 
it,  but  without  any  Ghezams.  We'll 
go  together." 

We  shall  sse.  I  've  not  the  least 
intention  of  disappointing  the  Ghezam. 

Beryl  Clarges  has  set  a  new  fashion 
in  head  ornaments,  which  she  says 
she'll  make  even  more  popular  than 
ospreys.  She  has  imported  a  lot  of 
live  humming-birds  to  match  different 
gowns.  A  slender  gold  chain  attaches 
them  by  one  leg  to  a  jewelled  head- 
hand,  and  they  flutter  about  over  the 
head  in  a  simply  sweet  manner.  Of 
course  they  don't  live  more  than  a  few 
hours,  but  she  has  a  fresh  set  for  the 
next  night.  Those  dreadful  people  of 
the  Society  for  Interfering  with  Every- 
body are  always  after  her,  threatening 
proceedings,  but  Beryl's  only  answer  to 
them  is  to  add  more  humming-birds  to 
her  coiffure! 

Dear  Stella  Clackmannan  has  been 
having  Thursday  Thes  Melodiques  at 
Clackmannan  House  and  has  played 
and  sung  her  own  compositicns  to  her 
friends  (for  their  sins  !)  One  Thursday 
Ninian  ffollyott  was  among  the  crowd, 
and  Stella  gave  us  her  new  Song  Cycle, 
Ecstasies  in  Elfland.  Her  little  prize 
Pekingese  was  in  his  little  beddy-bye  in 
some  corner  and,  just  as  Stella  finished 
one  of  her  Ecstasies  (the  dear  thing's 
voice,  cntrc  nous,  is  quite  past  praying 
for!),  little  Peky-peky  gave  a  sudden, 
piercingly  shrill  little  howl.  "Brava!" 
cried  Ninny  ffollyott  innocently.  "That 
was  a  simply  rippin'  high  note  ycu 
finished  up  with,  Duchess — best  I  ever 
heard  you  do  !  " 


2,   1911. | 


PUNCH,_OBJTHE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


87 


Oh,  my  dearest,  just  a  little   story 
ulxMit  Sir  Croesus  Lucre.     He  came  of 
\ou  know,  a  year  or  two  ago,  and 
lins  undergone  ahso'ute  toniu'.ntx,  poor 
l)o\ ,  from  being  the  parti  of  the  moment. 
Lately  ho  's  sold  oil   all  his  horses,  hi;- 
motors,  and  even  his  yacht,  and    has 
goiKi  in  entirely  for  flying,  which  he  has 
taken    up    avec   finr/ir.        "You    seen 
awfully  stuck   on   'planing,  old   boy,' 
Norty  said  to  him  the  other  day.     "] 
ni  n't  stuck  on  it, "was  the  rueful  answer 
"  I    lontlie    it — and   it's    spoilin'    my 
digestion — hut   it's  the  only  way   o 
escape  from — from — than,  you  know! ' 
Ever  thine,         BLANCHE. 


THE    DESERT    OPTIMIST. 

AN  exile,  I  would  fain  forget 

That  circumstance  hath  put  me  down 
Quite  close  to  places  like  Tibet, 

But  very  far  from  London  town. 

And  though  the  outlook's  rather  dreai 
I  sometimes  fancy  I  detect 

A  sort  of  Cockney  atmosphere, 
A  Metropolitan  effect. 

Behind  my  chair  in  solemn  state 
The  bearer  and  khansama  stand, 

Swart  replicas  of  those  who  wait 
In  Piccadilly  or  the  Strand. 

My  punkah  brings  a  grateful  wind 
To  cheeks  climatically  brown'd, 

A  fitful  gust  that  calls  to  mind 
The  draughts  about  the  Underground. 

And  though  they  spoil  my  morning  rest 
I  like  to  lie  awake  and  hark 

To  parrakeets  whose  notes  suggest 
Their  captive  kin  in  Eegent's  Park. 

About  my  house  the  pigeons  roost, 
They  perch  upon  the  compound  walls, 

Own  brothers  to  the  friends  who  used 
To  flap  me  greeting  from  St.  Paul's. 

In  yellow  waves  the  dawn-mist  drives 
Across  the  paddy-field  and  jogs 

The  memory  of  one  who  strives 
To  reconstruct  his  London  fogs. 

And  when  I  hear  a  bullock-cart 
Go  rumbling  'neath  its  harvest  truss 

The  echo  wakens  in  my  heart 
The  music  of  the  omnibus. 

And  thus  it  is  I  've  learned  to  find 
A  remedy  for  things  that  irk ; 

My  desert  fades  and  with  a  kind 
Of  cinematographic  jerk — 

"  Urbs  errat  ante  oculos  ;  " 

Then,  Fortune,  send  me  where  you  list, 
I  care  not,  London  holds  me  close, 

An  exile,  yet  an  optimist. 

"Concert  party  want  funny  comic  singer  for 
Winter,"  &c. — Evening  News. 

So  do  we  all. 


Pe rspirimj  Vujtomer.   "PH-H-n!     BBIXO  ME  SOMETHING  COOL." 

IFaitras.   "YES,  SlK.     WOULD  YOU  LIKE  AN  ICE?" 

Perspiring  Customer.  "No,  NO;   SOMETHING  COOLER  THAN  THAT." 


A  PILLAR  OF  SOCIETY. 

I  MET  him  in  the  Tube.  The  move- 
ment of  the  train  rolled  us  together 
and  his  bag  of  tools  hit  me.  He 
damned  the  line,  apologised  to  me,  and 
we  began  to  talk. 

In  response  to  my  question  he  said 
he  was  full  of  work.  Couldn't  com- 
plain. 

"  Yes,"  he  amplified,  "  we  're  wonder- 
ful busy  this  year.  It  :s  a  record,  that 's 
what  it  is.  First  the  Coronation  ;  then 
;he  heat ;  and  now  all  these  strengthen- 
ing jobs — fortifying,  or  whatever  you 
call  it." 

"  Fortifying  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Yes,"  he  replied.  "  Buttressing 
walls  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  We  're 
wing  sent  for  all  over  the  place  to  do 
hat.  Sometimes  it 's  a  ceiling  that 's 
;iven  way ;  sometimes  a  floor  with  a 
lole  in  it;  but  often  enough  it's  Ihe 
very  house.  In  Kensington  chiefly, 
and  Bayswater;  but  other  parts,  too. 
We  :re  at  it  all  the  time.  It 's  a  nepi- 
demic,  that 's  what  it  is." 

"  But,"  I  said,  "  surely  this  is  very 
odd.       I  can  understand  measles  and 
nfluenza  and   things  like   that   being 


epidemic;  but  how  can  houses  in 
different  parts  of  London  all  begin 
suddenly  to  go  wrong  at  the  same  time  ? 
That 's  surely  very  puzzling.  What  is 
your  theory  ?  " 

"  Weil,"  he  said, "  I  don't  know  much 
about  these  things,  but  they  tell  me 
it 's  Nijinsky." 

"  Nijinsky?  " 

"  Yes,  the  Russian  Dancer  at  Coving 
Garden.  He 's  that  nippy,  they  tell  me, 
there  was  never  anything  like  it.  He 
jumps  into  the  air,  they  tell  me,  and 
doesn't  come  down  for  a  couple  of 
blooming  minutes.  And  all  these 
Kensington  and  Bayswater  people  are 
trying  to  do  the  same.  That 's  what  I 
understand  it  is.  I  'm  told  that  on 
still  nights  you  can  hear  'em  crashing 
about  in  all  directions.  Dessay  he 
comes  down  a  bit  lighter.  But  of  course 
I  haven't  seen  this  Nijinsky  myself. 
It 's  not  in  my  line  exactly.  The 
O'GoHMAN  Brothers  is  what  I  fancy — 
good  step-dancers  with  double  heels. 
All  the  same,  '  Long  life  to  Nijinsky '  is 
what  I  says.  It 's  good  enough  for 
me  to  mend  the  damage  he  causes. 
That 's  where  me  and  my  mates  come 
in !  Good  night." 


88 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  2,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

ON  the  outside  wrapper  of  The  Gift  of  the  Gods  (HEINE- 
MANN)  the  publishers  have  heen  at  pains  to  inform  me  in 
large  print  that  it  is  a  NEW  novel  by  the  author  of  On  the 
Face  of  the  Waters.  Well,  speaking  personally,  and  as  a 
reader  to  whom  the  previous  work  and  the  literary  repu- 
tation of  Mrs.  FLORA  ANNIE  STEEL  are  things  of  moment, 
I  should  call  the  present  volume  not  only  a  new  novel,  but 
a  new  and  disconcerting  experiment  in  style  on  the  part  of 
a  writer  from  whom  something  very  different  is  justly 
expected.  I  may  be  to  blame,  but  certainly  I  myself  could 
find  in  this  ordinary  and  not  very  interesting  tale  of  some 
dull  people  in  the  Outer  Hebrides  no  trace  of  that  dis- 
tinction and  charm  for  which  Mrs.  STEEL  has  before  this 
made  me  her  very  grateful  debtor.  When,  moreover,  what  I 
did  find  was  such  a  phrase 
as,  "  the  woman  who  he 
had  widowed,"  or  "  the 
stepping  out  of  a  new  face," 
things  repugnant  to  the 
ordinary  decencies  of  proof 
reading,  I  felt  that  some 
expostulation  was  called 
for.  The  story  itself  is 
of  one  Margaret  Mac- 
donald,  a  widow  whose 
husband,  the  laird  of 
Westray,  in  the  Islands, 
meets  his  death  early  in 
the  book  after  a  mysteri- 
ous fashion  that  is  never 
properly  cleared  up. 
Macdonald  went  over  the 
cliff,  one  foggy  night,  to 
rescue  the  victims  of  a 
supposed  wreck,  and  was 
never  seen  again ;  while 
the  stranger  whom  the 
helpers  pulled  up  at  the 
end  of  the  laird's  rope 
lived  on  at  Westray  to 
become  Margaret's  lover 
and  the  hero  of  as  much 
tale  as  the  book  contains. 
Its  only  real  attraction 
lies  in  its  portrayal  of  village  life  in  these  unfamiliar  parts ; 
there  is  atmosphere  here,  but  not  enough  else  to  save 
Mrs.  STEEL'S  admirers  from  a  sad  disappointment. 


English  country  life  is  provided  by  his  cousin,  a  flashy 
beauty  from  West  Kensington,  whose  hard  eyes  had 
marked  him  as  her  legitimate  prey.  Both  she  and  her 
fat  and  flabby  mother  are  drawn  witli  particular  skill.  I 
cannot  say  that  the  story  grips  me  so  much,  for  instance, 
as  Peter's  Mother.  My  pulse  did  not  gallop  nor  my 
heart  throb  as  I  read  it.  But  I  liked  it  because  the 
people  in  it  are  real  and  talk  the  language  of  life  and  not 
of  fiction. 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 

1- — AN      EXPERT     IN      STAMP-ADHESIVES     PLANTING     GUM-TREES      IN      THE 
GARDENS  OF  THE  GENERAL   POST  OFFICE. 


Master  Christopher  (SMITH,  ELDER) — you  can  see  the 
old  nurse  in  the  background — is  what  lady  society- 
journalists  would  call  a  "  boy  and  girl  "  party.  The  too- 
old-at-forty  characters  in  it  count  about  as  much  as  they 
do  in  an  up-to-date  newspaper  office  or  a  fashionable  ball- 
room. And,  as  I  always  love  Mrs.  HENRY  DE  LA  PASTURE'S 
mother-heroines,  I  feel  a  little  aggrieved  that  in  this  book 
she  kills  off  the  one  really  charming  specimen  before  the 
story  proper  begins.  But  the  young  people  play  quite  a  pretty 
comedy  of  love  (with,  in  one  case,  a  pathetic  ending)  in  the 
fine  old  house  which  Christopher's  plebeian  father  had  bought 
with  trade-won  gold  from  its  ancestral  owner  when  he  joined 
the  other  pigeons  that  flutter  round  the  Stock  Exchange. 
Christopher  himself  you  will  find  a  bit  of  a  boor,  but  a  good 
sort  for  all  that ;  and  his  young  sister,  in  a  dove-like  kind 
of  way,  is  as  lovable  as  I  imagine  their  dead  mother  must 
have  been.  The  exciting  element  in  this  little  drama  of 


What  gave  for  me  some  added  interest  to  The  Sovereign 
Power  (MACMILLAN)  was  the  thought  that,  a  few  years  ago, 
it  would  have  been  regarded  as  a  romance  of  the  fantastically 
impossible  type.  JULES  VERNE  might  have  written  it  then, 
for  boys  to  delight  in ;  or,  a  little  later  and  with  rather 
more  finesse,  our  own  H.  G.  WELLS  might  have  imagined 
the  concluding  chapters.  Briefly,  it  is  a  novel  of  avia- 
tion that  Mr.  MARK  LEE  LUTHER  has  composed,/  in  a 

— .  brisk  and  entertaining 
!  style,  uncomplicated  by 
subtlety  of  any  kind.  The 
author  has  been  content 
to  rely  for  novelty  upon  the 
strange,  half-understood 
machines  that  play  a 
large  part  in  the  working 
out  of  his  plot;  his 
characters,  it  must  be 
confessed,  are  anything 
but  original.  The  Ameri- 
can heiress,  the  exiled 
Prince,  and  the  aged  dip- 
lomat with  the  secrets  of 
half  the  chancelleries  of 
Europe  at  his  withered 
finger-ends,  are  all  of 
them  puppets  upon  whom 
the  dust  of  generations 
has  begun  to  settle.  How- 
ever, flight  in  an  aero- 
plane soon  disperses  this ; 
and  nothing  could  well 
be  more  thrilling,  or,  to 
all  appearances,  more 
realistic  (I  speak  as  a 
groundling)  than  the 
description  of  Ann's  ab- 
duction by  Prince 
Bodoslav  in  one  monoplane,  and  their  pursuit  and  over- 
hauling by  her  republican  lover  in  another.  That  tells 
you  the  kind  of  book  it  is.  The  fact  that  it  is  both 
written  and  illustrated  in  America  will  prepare  you  for 
some  unfamiliar  grammar  and  several  charming  pictures 
of  the  nice-looking  people  whom  they  seem  to  draw  so 
well  over  there.  But  I  think  author  and  artist  might 
have  agreed  about  the  heroine's  hotel  in  Venice  ;  when 
one  called  it  the  Victoria  it  worried  me  a  little  to  find  the 
other  depicting  the  lady  as  drinking  in  the  view  from  the 
Danieli. 


Commercial   Candour. 
From  an  advertisement : — 

"  Scores  of  testimonials  have  been  received.     Among  those  who  have 
benefitted  by  them  are   ..." 

Nothing  is  said  as  to  the  benefit  derived  by  the  proprietors  ; 
but  we  hope  the  others  were  well  paid  too. 


Lord  LANSDOWNE  to  the  Cabinet : — 

"Ye  that  have  Peers,  prepare  to  shed  them  now." 


AUGUST  9,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THERE   has  been  some  talk  of 


the 


Germans  ceding  Togo  (West  Africa) 
to  France.  Many  persons,  however, 
would  prefer  to  see  Prance  giving 
Germany  Togo — if  we  may  use  an  ex- 
pression which  was  in  vogue  during  the 
recent  war  between  Russia  and  Japan. 

''.• 
It  is  so  difficult  to  be  funny  without 


is  tfow  very  small.  It  only  remains 
for  Englishmen  to  buck  up  and  prove 
that  they  can  themselves  produce 
sufficient  criminals  to  fill  these  places. 

*.  * 

Our  tube  railways,  which  are  well 
known  to  be  the  coolest  places  in  hot 
weather,  continue  to  make  a  bold  bid 
for  a  share  of  the  patronage  which  is 
bestowed  on  seaside  resorts.  During 
the  recent  sensational  storm  a  portion 


How  annoying,  an  the  Scilly  Islander 
remarked,  to  go  for  herrings  and  only 
to  catch  crans. 


V 


Munich  would  appear  to  In-  suffering 
from  an  epidemic  of  prudishness.  In 
future  no  cats  will  h;  allowed  to  walk 
about  in  that  city  unclothed.  It  lias 
been  decreed  that  each  of  them  must 
wear  a  collar. 


being  vulgar  that  one  feels  sorry  that  j  of  the  Bakerloo  tube  was  flooded, 
it  should  be  possible  for  a  joke  in  |  and  many  passengers  were  enabled  to 
excellent  taste  to  have  an 
unpleasant  sequel.  The  Sec- 
retary of  the  Woolwich  Radi- 
cal Club  has  been  summoned 
for  using  on  note-paper  a 
representation  of  a  coronet 
cleft  with  a  pickaxe  with- 
out obtaining  a  licence  for 
armorial  bearings. 

This   is   a  world  of  com- ! 
promise.      The     PRINCE    OFJ 
WALES,  we  understand,  was  j 
most   anxious  to  attend  the 
Durbar,   but    this   was   im- 
possible.   He   has,  however, 
been    appointed    to    H.M.S. 
Hindustan. 

'',•  v 
* 

A   member  of   the   B~use 

of  Lords  was  dining  at  a 
cheap  restaurant.  He  ordered 
a  bottle  of  ginger  beer.  A 
label  on  it  caught  his  eye  : — 
"  As  supplied  to  the  House 
of  Lords."  The  nobleman's 
face  lighted  up.  "  Thank 
heavens/'  he  cried,  "we  still 
have  a  little  prestige  left !  " 

To  refute  the  allegation 
that  women  would  only  vote 
for  the  best-looking  men,  Sir 
WILLIAM  LYNE,  ex-Premier 
of  New  South  Wales,  declares 
that  there  are  ugly  men  in 
the  Commonwealth  Parlia- 
ment who  have  been  sent 
there  by  women's  votes.  But 
this  does  not  prove  anything.  The  indulge  in  paddling.  Arrangements  for 
unsuccessful  candidates  may  have  been  mixed  bathing  are  in  preparation. 

uglier  still.  "V" 

*  According  to  a  newspaper  ajfficne  :— 

The   London,  Chatham  and   Dover  "GERMANY  DEMANDS 

Railway  Company  is,  we  hear,  not  a  LLOYD   GEORGE'S 

little  proud  that  one  of  its  Directors  DISMISSAL." 

should '  have    been    selected    for    the  The  idea  is  good,  but  we  distrust  the 
important     post    of     British    Consul-   quarter   from    which   it   comes. 
General  in  Egypt.     The  appointment  prefer  to  start  these  notions  for  ou: 
is  considered  a  well-earned  tribute  to  selves.  #  # 

the   bus: ness-like    way   in   which    the 
affairs  of  the  Company  are  managed.  "The   herring   fishings  at  b 

S  *  i  and  on  the  east  coast  of  Scotland  are, 

The  fifth  annual  report  on  the  Aliens' :  we  read,  "  far  from  satisfactory.     Last 


V 

Thousands  of  fish  are  said  to  have 
been  killed  in  the  Thames  hetwn-u 
Isleworth  and  Teddington  by 
the  heat.  It  has  been  sug- 
gested that  the  survivors 
should  be  supplied  with  sun- 
bonnets. 

* 

The  innate  dislike  which 
many  motor-cars  show  for 
bicycles  is  almost  uncanny 
and  reminds  one  of  the 
never  -  ending  dog  -  and  -  cat 
feud.  While  his  chauffeur 
was  starting  the  engine  the 
other  day,  Mr.  J  USTICE  BKAY'H 
motor  car  ran  down  the  High 
Street  incline  at  Guildford, 
and  of  its  own  accord  de- 
molished two  bicycles  before 

it  was  stopped. 

*  * 

The  Begum  of  BHOPAL, 
while  in  Geneva,  purchased 
some  4,000  Swiss  watches. 
It  is  thought  that  she 
wanted  to  know  the  time. 


Bookstall  Clerk  (after  fifteen  minutes).   "  WOULD  YOU  CAUE  TO  BUY 
THAT  BOOK.  MADAM?" 
L(uly  (ubuciUlff).  "OH,  NO,  THANKS.     I'VE  ALMOST  FIXISHED  IT." 


"LOCAL  INTELLIGKNCE. 

Sun  risen  J.I. 'i  ii.m..  set-  7. .'>7  p.m. 
(fifteen  minutes  later  in  Gloucester- 
shire)."— The  l.'ituen. 

People  dissatisfied  with  the 
sun's  limited  performances 
elsewhere  now  know  where 
to  go.  

"Alfred  Peck  Stevens,  known  OH 
the  Great  Vance,   was   taken  with, 
a  fatal  seizure  during  his  turn  OB 
Boxing   Night,   1888,  at    the    Suu 
Music  Hall,  Knightsbridge,  and  died 
at   the  Hide  of  the  stAge.      He  was    forty  him- 
yearn   of  age.     The  price  of  The  Jim   is  K, 

The  Km. 

We  should  like  to  ask  how  much  would 
The  Era  cost  if  the  GREAT  VANCE  had 
died  in  the  centre  of  the  stage  at  the 
age  of  77? 


Overcrowding  in  India. 

"A  grand  Mahogany  Bedstead  94'  x  S'  »ilh 
sts  and  testers  complete  meant  for  Rajs"  liiul 
niiimodate  4   middle 
Going  for  Rs.  500." 


1  lOSlS    nim     <••->•••      i    -      - 

Zemindars.     Can   also  accommodate  4 
class  people  comfortably 
— The  Statesman. 


wanted,   for  desk 


Act  draws  attention  to  the   fact  that 


week's     catch     amounted     in 


nut   uraWD  Hiiueiiijiou    ou    one    itti;u    LHOJU     \  /w\  "  '        t     9 

the  percentage  of  aliens  in  our  prisons   figures   only   to   some  65,00 


"CASHIERS. —Young  lady  want< 
and  dissection."— VAii/v  Ttugnfk. 
round  i  Will   Mr.  STEPHEN  COLEHIDOE  please 


90 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


NORTHWARD,    HO! 

I  ET  us  elope,  my  lyre  (if  still  you  keep 

That  sacred  name  with  all  but  one  string  oracked), 
For  now  my  sweltering  hand,  that  used  to  sweep 

Your  vocal  chords,  at  last  declines  to  act, 
Unnerved  by  languors  of  the  late  July ; 

And  this  my  basso,  which  was  once  so  tough, 
Can  do  no  else  but  simply  limply  cry, 

"  Jam  satis  !  "—meaning  I  have  had  enough. 

Let  us  depart,  my  boots,  for  now  I  think 

I  hear  the  red  bird  call  across  the  brae 
Out  of  his  heather-bed,  superbly  pink, 

Saying  :  "  He  should  be  here  next  Saturday ; ' 
And  there  the  point-to-pointer,  trusty  brute, 

Twitches  in  dreams  to  draw  my  desperate  feet 
To  where  his  nose  locates  the  winged  loot 

Hard-dying  in  the  final  patch  of  peat. 

Lot  us  begone,  my  heart,  because  I  yearn 

For  the  large  freedom  of  the  open  moor, 
For  the  great  hills  that  flank  the  tawny  burn 

And  scent  of  rain  upon  the  pine-wood's  floor ; 
For  sweet  bog-myrtle  and  the  transient  gleam 

Of  luncheon  intervals  where,  couched  at  rest, 
We  tell  our  spoil  and  lap  the  local  stream 

Allayed  with  whiskey  of  the  Highlands'  best. 

Let  us  away,  and  far ;  this  tedious  crew 

Of  HALSBURY-buceaneers,  they  turn  me  sick,  , 
These  men  who  make  the  Peerage-mongers  do 

Their  revolution  by  arithmetic ; 
Who  play  at  soldiers,  run  amok  and  romp, 

Harmless  against  the  enemy,  while  they  throw 
Dirt  at  their  own  side  from  the  final  swamp ; — 

Yonder  the  air  is  cleaner  !     Let  us  go ! 

0.  S. 

Suggestion  for  Evening  Parties. 

The  latest  game  is  to  guess  how  many  of  the  guests 
have  had  to  pay  postage  on  their  invitation  cards,  owing 
to  the  insufficient  adhesive  properties  of  the  new  stamps. 

Mr.  ARNOLD  BENNETT  as  quoted  in  London  Opinion : — 

"Brief  is  the  violence  of  love!  In  perhaps  thirty-three  per  cent, 
passion  settles  down  into  a  tranquil  affection — which  is  ideal.  In  fifty 
per  cent,  it  sinks  into  sheer  indifference,  and  one  becomes  used  to  one's 
wife  or  one's  husband  as  to  one's  other  habits.  And  in  the  remaining 
sixteen  per  cent,  it  develops  into  dislike  or  detestation.  Do  you  think 
my  j>creentages  are  wrong,  you  who  have  been  married  a  long  time  and 
know  what  the  world  is  ?  " 

We  do.     We  should  like  to  get  another  1"/0  in  somewhere. 


' '  As  Romana  Gienetto,  a  shoe  worker,  seized  a  250-pound  turtle  by 
the  tail  to-day  at  a  beach  near  Chelsea,  the  reptile  spit  out  a  large 
copper  penny.  The  coin  was  minted  in  1770  and  marked  with  name 
of  George  III.  of  England.  The  turtle,  which  measures  over  two  feet 
from  head  to  tail,  must  be  141  years  old  at  least." — Kansas  City  Star. 

The  guess  at  the  age  is  accurate.  Turtles,  it  is  well 
known,  refuse  to  swallow  any  coins  save  those  of  the 
current  year, 

"In  particular,  the  misconstructions  that  had  been  based  by  a 
section  of  the  London  and  Paris  Press  upon  Mr.  Lloyd  George's  Mansion 
House  speech  have  been  raised  to  the  ground." — Daily  News. 

With  the  result  that  the  spirits  of  the  Germans  are  now 
elated  to  their  lowest  depths. 

Newmarket  First  August  Meeting  (behind  the  Last 
Ditch).  The  Die-hard  Stakes.  Also  ran  :  Lord  ROSSLYN 


THE   "GRAND   GARDEN    FETE" 

THE  Parish  began  it  and  the  Vicar  was  very  active  in  it. 
The  Parish  had  decided  that  it  couldn't  do  withoxit  a 
hurch-Room.  Other  Parishes  had  Church-Rooms  where 
;he  Parishioners  could  be  improved  by  lectures,  addresses, 
concerts,  parish  meetings,  debates  and  so  forth,  and  it 
was  obviously  absurd  that  our  own  Parish  should  continue 
in  a  position  of  inferiority  through  not  haying  a  Room.  A 
Room  was  therefore  built,  and  a  very  handsome  convenient 
Room  it  was,  but — there  was  a  debt  on  it.  Indeed,  no 
self-respecting  Church-Room  has  ever  started  in  life  with- 
out a  debt ;  and  this  particular  debt,  though  it  troubled  the 
Vicar,  was  not  a  very  heavy  one.  Church-Rooms  must 
liave  debts ;  debts  must  be  paid  off ;  and  a  "  Grand  Garden 
Fete "  must  be  held  in  order  that  the  debt  may  be,  at 
least,  diminished.  So  it  came  about  that  a  Grand  Garden 
Fete  was  actually  organised  and  held. 

I  cannot  offer  to  describe  it  in  every  detail.  It  was  too 
varied,  too  vivid,  and  too  exciting  for  that.  The  ladies  of 
the  neighbourhood  turned  themselves  into  saleswomen.  A 
stern  business  determination  gleamed  out  of  their  eyes; 
you  could  see  by  the  way  in  which  their  lips  moved  that 
they  knew  exactly  how  many  pennies  there  were  in  a  half- 
crown  or  a  pound,  and  that  they  were  not  to  be  deceived 
in  a  question  of  small  change.  The  greengrocery  stall 
glittered  with  tomatoes  tastefully  arranged  in  punnets  by  a 
Justice  of  the  Peace.  Peaches  and  nectarines  languished 
delicately  against  a  background  of  dark  and  glowing  grapes, 
the  direct  descendants  of  those  that  came  as  specimens 
from  the  land  of  milk  and  honey.  Gigantic  melons, 
bloated  with  self-importance  and  succulence,  lay  about  like 
ammunition  designed  for  a  Dreadnought.  Nor  was  the 
humble  potato  absent,  and  the  lowly  lettuce,  the  beet  and 
the  carrot.  It  was  a  gorgeous  stall,  fruitful  in  more  senses 
than  one. 

Cheek  by  jowl,  or,  rather,  trestle  by  plank,  with  the  fruit- 
stall  was  the  sweet-and-chocolate  stall.  Sweets  more 
brilliantly  parti-coloured  I  never  saw,  nor  have  I  ever 
tasted  better  chocolates.  The  little  silk  bags  alone  were 
worth  the  money.  Here  swarms  of  children  became  bank- 
rupt and  sticky,  shading  their  innocent  chins  heavily  with 
chocolate.  In  the  morning  lollipops  in  thousands  lay 
below.  We  forgot  to  count  them  at  break  of  day ;  and 
when  the  sun  set  where  were  they?  Then  there  was  a 
needlework  stall  bedizened  with  embroidery  wrung  from 
the  leisure  of  the  wines  and  mothers  and  daughters  of  the 
district.  Over  the  sacred  and  appreciated  mysteries  of 
this  show  it  does  not  beseem  me  to  linger,  for  it  was  built 
up  on  a  foundation  of  useful  articles  not  suited  to  the  mind 
or  person  of  a  male.  It  did  a  roaring  trade.  Finally,  there 
was  a  stall  for  cakes  and  jams,  which  was  swept  clean,  as 
it  were  in  a  moment.  No  jam-desirer  on  that  great  day 
denied  himself  his  favourite  preserve.  Gooseberry  was 
mine.  To  me  the  translucent  skins  are  irresistible. 


"Walk  up!  Walk  up!  Walk  up!  'Ere 's  yer  fine 
cocoanuts,  juicy  coeoanuts !  Roll,  bowl  or  pitch  !  Cocoa- 
nuts  all  juicy  !  "  Where  had  I  heard  that  raucous,  resonant, 
East-end  voice  before  ?  It  came  from  a  gentleman  in  dark 
corduroys  and  a  heavy  sweater  broadly  striped  in  black 
and  yellow,  a  dark-visaged  sort  of  hornet  of  a  man  who 
was  luring  spectators  to  a  cocoanoclastic  revelry.  His  sister 
was  beside  him,  a  splendid  lady  who  bade  defiance  to  ths 
Sun  in  a  tight  thick  black  velvet  bodice  and  a  flaring  silk 
skirt  splendid  to  behold.  Her  earrings  were  in  size  and 
splendour  like  the  vexilla  of  a  Roman  legion  ;  her  hat  was 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  9.  1911. 


\ 


A  YEEY-NEAE-EAST   QUESTION. 

M,  PUKCH  (in  to  Green  Park}.  "LOOK    HEBE,    MY    BOY,   THIS    IS    WHERE    WE 'BE    GO: 
TO    HAVE    A    STATUE    OF    KING    EDWABD."  «TCTPR    AND  A  P\RK 

BOY.  "  WE  COULD  DO   WIV   ONE   OF   'EM  DOWN   AT   SHADWELL,  MI 
TO    PUT    IT    IN." 

MR.  PUNCH.  "YOU    SHOULD    HAVE    BOTH,    IF    I    HAD  ^Uon  of  a  r«b>ic  Pa*  b^d. 

[There  is  a  strong  movement  in  favour  of  devoting  a  part  of  the  K{^E'n'.A"°  ^^"^.^"nced^of  O\K™]>£**  ;  and  to 
the  river  on  the  site  of  the  disused  fish-market  at  Shadwell,  a  neighbourly  *,„"  ,  th,,i  that  of  West  London.] 

of  a  statue  to  preserve  the  memory  of  his  late  Majesty  among  a  population  not  1 


AUOUHT  9,  1911.J 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAIU  YAKI. 


9! 


X 


New  Footman.  "I  gurrosz  THKHE  ARS  A  LOT  i>f  NOUS  'EKE  TO-DAY,  Mit.  BI.OI'NT?" 

Butler..  "A  FEW.  «IY  J,AP.  *  TEW.    BUT  MOST  AHE  THE  SECONDARY  ruowo  THAT  WE  'AS  TO  ASK  OXCE  A.  YEAE." 


an  oriflamme.  This  was  Mrs.  'Enery  'Awkins,  and  close  to 
her  stood  her  faithful  'Enery,  he  too  in  corduroys  and  barred, 
as  to  his  sweater,  with  red  and  black.  Attendant  upon  them 
was  their  gnome  in  pearlies,  and  their  arms  and  faces  were 
brown  as  the  sun  or  some  more  artificial  agent  could  tan 
them.  I  rolled,  I  bowled,  I  pitched.  Cocoanuts  shivered 
into  fragments  under  my  erratic  skill.  Then  in  a  flash  of 
recollection  I  realised  that  this  talented  family  had  laid 
aside  the  glories  of  its  birth  and  state  in  the  shape  of  a 
cool  summer  frock  and  seasonable  flannels,  and  had,  for 
charity  and  one  afternoon,  put  on  the  accent,  the  earrings, 
the  velvet,  the  corduroys,  and  the  colours  of  the  immemorial 
East.  

In  the  meantime  Aunt  Sally,  too,  was  bearing  up  under 
a  succession  of  shattering  blows,  while  the  general  com- 
pany were  absorbing  ices  with  a  wild  abandon  or  indulging 
madly  in  lemonade.  The  sun  was  blazing  down,  but  it  did 
not  daunt  the  "  Anglo- Roman  Band"  who,  with  their 
stringed  instruments,  made  cool  and  pleasant  music  in  a 
shady  nook.  They  came  from  a  neighbouring  town  and 
were  certainly  imperially  Anglo  in  faces,  voices  and  trousers. 
No  doubt  their  scarlet  tunics  provided  the  Roman  element 
and  justified  their  name. 

Suddenly  a  voice  announced  that  the  children  would  now 
dance  some  old  English  dances,  and  the  chairs  under  the 
walnut-tree  and  the  chestnuts  became  filled  with  spectators. 
On  the  platform,  where  the  Pierrots  were  afterwards  to 
sing,  the  fiddle  and  the  piano  struck  a  chord,  and,  lo, 


through  an  archway  of  roses,  there  came  dashing  the 
merriest  prettiest  little  company  of  small  Englishmen  and 
Englishwomen  that  anyone  ever  set  eyes  on.  Sixteen  of 
them  there  were,  divided  into  two  sets :  the  big  little  ones 
ranging  from  ten  to  twelve  years,  and  the  little  little  ones 
from  five  to  eight  years.  No  pen  can  describe  the  neatness, 
the  daintiness,  the  concinnity  and  the  gaiety  of  their  dances. 
Every  little  foot  was  duly  pointed,  every  little  head  was 
thrown  back,  every  little  roguish  face  looked  archly  at  its 
neighbour.  The  girls  in  print  dresses  and  bonnets,  the 
boys  in  smocks  and  felt  hats,  outvied  one  another  in  the 
tuneable  swaying  of  their  bodies  and  the  swift  movement 
of  their  twinkling  feet.  It  was  a  jolly  sight  that  made 
you  want  to  cheer  for  very  delight,  while  the  simplicity  and 
pretty  innocence  of  it  all  gave  you  a  lump  in  jour  throat. 
Was  old  England  really  like  this,  so  gay,  so  demure,  so 
harmless,  and  so  smiling  in  its  sports?  Did  they  como 
out  on  the  green,  while  the  rude  forefathers  stood  round 
and  clapped  their  hands,  and  did  they  dance  in  this 
enchanting  style,  all  the  little  lads  and  lasses  of  the  hamlet 
in  their  work-a-day  dresses  ?  Perhaps  they  did ;  at  any 
rate  we  do  well  to  imitate  what  we  think  they  did.  As  to 
the  dancers  themselves,  they  were  untroubled  by  any 
doubts,  and  their  little  hearts  and  souls  were  in  every  step 
they  took.  Then,  the  dance  being  ended,  we  returned  to 
the  lemonade  and  the  cocoanuts,  "tine  cocoanuts,  juicy 
cocoanuts." 

We  want  to  know  if  Mr.  ERASER,  of  Sprouston,  Kelso,  chose 
for  one  of  his  hymns  on  Sunday,  "  Peas,  perfect  peas." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


A  CRICKET  SWEEP. 

DEAR  ME.  PUNCH, — You  will  he  doing 
me  a  great  service  if  you  will  kindly 
print  my  personal  explanation  and  plain 
statement  of  a  regrettable  incident  that 
occurred  in  one  of  my  recent  club 
matches.  If  you  do  so  (as  in  common 
humanity  you  ought),  you  may  perhaps 
have  the  satisfaction  of  knowing  that 
you  have  helped  to  reinstate  me  in  the 
good  opinions  of  those  who  now  wish 
me  to  ifesign  from  my  cricket  club. 

The  matter  is  this.  We  are  in  the 
habit  of  having  a  sweep  on  all  the 
matches  we  play.  Each  member  of  the 
team  pays  half-a-crown,  an:l  there  are 
two  prizes  of  one  pound  and  seven  and- 
six  for  those  who  draw  the  first  and 
second  top  scorers  respectively.  The 
practice  has  always  provided  a  little 
harmless  amusement,  and  nothing  un- 
pleasant has  ever  oscurred  until  the 
time  of  which  I  speak. 

On  this  occasion,  Mr.  Punch,  I  had 
dens  rather  well  by  picking  Eoger — 
who  was  once  reserve  man  for  a 
Glamorgan  second  team.  Percy,  a 
player  of  about  my  own  calibre,  had 
picked  me,  and  was  rude  enough  to 
express  hh  dissatisfaeticn  with  his  luck. 

Well,  having  had  a  good  score 
knocked  up  against  U3,  wa  somehow 
o~  other  went  all  to  pieces.  Eoger,  to 
my  delight,  was  the  only  man  to  reach 
double  ligures,  and  he  managed  to  get 
twenty  before  being  bowled.  I  went 
in  eighth'  wicket  down  (my  average 
position),  when  we  had  absolutely  no 
look  in,  anl  found  Percy  already  in 
charge  of  affairs. 

"Now  for  a  sporting  effort,"  he  said, 
as  I  passed  him  on  my  way  to  the 
farther  wicket.  •  •  ^  - 

Seeing  there  were  about  fifty  runs 
to  get,  I  looked  on  his  remark  as 
sheer  rot.  Percy,  as  I  've  said,  is  just 
about  as  good  as  me,  and  I  've  hardly 
ever  been  known  to  make  twenty  runs 
— not  all  at  once,  that  is.  In  fact,  I 
considered  the  match  as  good  as  over 
and  the  yellow  piece  (thanks  to  Eoger) 
as  good  as  mine.  The  last  man  in 
hardly  counted. 

You  know  how  it  is  when  you  don't 
much  care  if  you  do  get  out.  As  often 
as  not  you  stay  in.  At  the  end  of  two 
overs  Percy  and  I  were  still  at  the 
wickets,  and  I,  scoring  at  double  his 
rate,  had  made  two  runs.  It  didn't 
end  there;  I  only  wish  it  had.  We 
went  on  and  on,  having  the  most  extra- 
ordinary luck,  till  the  fatal  moment 
arrived  when  I  scored  my  nineteenth 
run,  and  Percy  had  the  bowling. 

If  I  say  that  by  this  time,  in  the 
excitement  of  the  match,  I  'd  forgotten 
all  about  the  sweep,  you  won't  believe 
me,  I  suppose.  Nobody  will.  Percy 


won't,  though,  as  I  tell  him,  I  try  hard 
to  believe  i5  of  him.  Percy  had  the 
bowling,  and  the  next  ball  went,  as  I 
supposed,  for  a  bye.  I  called  and  ran 
down  the  pitch.  Percy  also  ran,  but 
looked  round  (he'd  no  business  to)  and 
saw  first  slip  get  to  the  ball. 

"  Go  back !  "  he  cried,  as  first  slip 
prepare!  to  throw  at  the  neatest  wicket. 
It  wa?  clear  that  one  of  us  would  be 
out,  and  in  that  swift  moment  I  realized 
that  the  mistake  was  mine  and  that  it 
was  up  to  me,  not  Percy,  to  pay  the 
penalty.  1  rushed  past  Percy  just  as 
the  wicket  was  thrown  down — so  that 
I  was  the  batsman  who  retired  dis- 
consolately to  the  pavilion.  Now  isn't 
that  in  accordance  with  the  bsst  spirit 
of  the  game,  Mr.  Punch  ? 

And  what  is  the  upshot?  They 
declare  that  I  threw  away  my  wicket 
in  order  to  obtain  first  prize  in  the 
sweep ;  and  at  the  same  time  cheated 
Percy  out  of  it.  For,  of  course,  it  would 
have  fallen  to  him  if  I  had  beaten 
Eoger's  score.  1  have  pointed  out  (1) 
that  I  had  forgotten  all  about  the 
sweep ;  (2)  that  if  I  had  remembered 
I  hope  I  should  never  let  private 
interest  come  before  public  benefit ; 
(3)  that,  anyway,  my  batting  average 
being  what  it  is  (never  mind  what), 
the  chances  of  my  getting  out  increased 
horribly  with  every  run  I  made,  from 
nought  upwards,  and  (4)  that  they 
pass  over  the  fact  that  Percy  showed 
suspicious  self-denial  in  offering  him- 
self as  a  sacrifice,  so  to  speak,  for  my 
mistake. 

But  there  it  is.  Percy,  I  may  say, 
made  twenty-one  (the-  last  man  keep- 
ing, up  his  end),  and  then,  when  we 
were  within  five  runs  of  victory,  got 
bowled.  "Anyway,"  I  heard  him  say, 
"  I  didn't  mean  him  to  get  first  prize, 
even  if  it  meant  losing  the  second 
myself." 

Well,  what  do  you  think  of  that? 
They  are  so  full  of  my  supposed  infamy 
that  they  don't  notice  his.  And  so, 
Mr.  Punch,  they  are  on  the  point  of 
compelling  me  to  resign  my  member- 
ship of  a  club  which  I  have  served 
faithfully  s:nce  the  days  whe:i,  as 
chairman  of  the  luncheon  committee, 
I  effected  the  introduction  of  goose- 
berry tart  into  the  weekly  luncheon  as 
a  permanent  stand-by. 
Yours,  etc., 

"  MISUNDERSTOOD." 


"  The  meeting  agreed  to  the  deletion  from  the 
report  of  the  Gas  Committee  provision  that  had 
been  made  for  a  deputation  to  visit  works  at 
Lausanne. 

Mr.  Hipkins  admitted  that  the  committee 
had  no  idea  that  the  place  was  outside  England. " 
Woloerluimpton  Express  and  tilar. 

What  do   they  know   of    Switzerland 
that  only  England  know  ? 


SOCIETT  AT  THE   SEASIDE. 

BiilGHTGATE  is  very  full  just  now. 
Several  well-known  people  from  Toot- 
well  and  Camberham  were  out  and 
about  on  the  front  yesterday  enjoying 
the  sunshine  and  sea  breezes.  Among 
those  promenading,  Mr.  "  Herb."  Smith 
was  prominent  in  a  lounge  suit  of  irre- 
proachable cut  and  a  straw  hat  with 
the  colours  of  the  Household  Brigade, 
to  which  he  is  temporarily  attached  for 
vacation  duties.  With  him  were  Miss 
Gertie  Brown  and  Miss  Mabel  Fulley- 
love,  both  well  known  in  the  smart  sst 
of  Streatling.  Miss  Brown  was  attired 
in  an  effective  semi-hobble  costume 
with  accessories  to  match,  and  Miss 
Fulleylove  was  exquisitely  trousere:!  in 
brown  Harris  tweed.  It  is  rumoured — 
with  I  know  not  what  truth — that  at 
the  end  of  his  leave  Mr.  Herbert  Smith 
intends  to  retire  from  the  2nd  Life 
Guards  and  to  enter  City  life. 

EASTCLIFF  has  seldom  known  such 
a  gay  season,  so  many  of. the  smartest 
folk  from  Houndschapel  and  White- 
ditch  having  run  down  from  town 
to  take  advantage  of  the  health-giving 
properties  of  the  mud  for  which  South- 
cliff  is  famous,  and  which  is  now  in 
full  bearing.  The  many  smart  toilettes 
on  the  front  give  a  kaleidoscopic  effect, 
rivalling  that  of  the  automatic  ma- 
chines, which  are  again  a  feature  of 
the  place  this  year.  The  winkle  stalls 
are  as  well  patronised  as  ever  by  those 
gourmets  who  know  a  good  whelk  or 
winkle  when  they  see  one ;  in  fact 
there  has  been  such  a  run  on  these 
favoured  comestibles  that  Mr.  Alf. 
Pearlies,  who  is  a  regular  visitor  at 
this  time  of  the  year,  and  whom  I  met 
on  the  pier  enjoying  a  very  fragrant 
morning  cigar,  informed  me  that  there 
is  almost  a  pin  famine  in  the  place. 

BLA.CKPORT. — The  many  attractions 
here  have,  as  usual,  drawn  enormous 
crowds  from  the  towns  of  the  Rival 
Eoses  for  a  brief  holiday  blow  by  the 
briny.  The  shore  is  the  fashionable 
morning  parade,  and  in  a  casual  stroll 
along  the  yellow  sands  one  is  sure  to 
meet  many  well-known  faces  from 
Wigham,  Oldburn,  Haliford  and  Brad- 
fax.  In  the  evenings  the  strains  of 
the  Pink  Eochdalian  Band  have  been 
drawing  everyone  to  the  beautiful 
dancing  pavilion  on  the  front. 

SKEGTIIORTE.  —  A  large  sect'on  of 
Society  seems  to  have  found  its  way  to 
this  resort  of  fashion,  from  the  number 
of  times  th.it  ono  hears  the  latest 
shibboleth.  The  phrase  most  in  vogue 
with  the  smartest  people  just  now! 
is  "Bow-wow,"  and  I  heard  it  most 
appropriately  used  no  fewer  than  14 
times  during  a  short  half-hour  oa  the 
parade. 


AUGUST  9,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 



THE    AGE    OF    SPECIALISATION. 


THE  SANS  Souci 


COLF 

CCAT 


FLMNEIS 

TORTftL 


THE 

SUIT 

FOR 
CI\OOUET 


THE  SMART  SET 

ATHLETIC 

OUTFinERS 


DVDDS 


«C$S 

Sptofmc 

ft 


THE  THING  FOR  THE  ROffD 


TENNIS 
TRIERS 


Tt'E    GATHEE    FllOM    CEKTA1N     rlCTOKIAI,    ADVERTISEMENTS     THAT    IT     IS    NOT    KECKSSARY     FOR    THE     AKTIxT   TO     IIAVE    TUE     IK\    i 

KNOWLEDGE  OP  ANYTHING    BUT  THE   AI'.TICLE   ADVERTISED, 


96 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDONjCHARIVARL^ 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


HOW  TO   DEAL  WITH  THE  INCOME-TAX 
AUTHORITIES. 

THERE  are  only  two  ways  of  dealing 
with  Income  Tax  authorities — the  right 
way  and  the  wrong  way. 

A.— THE  WRONG  WAY. 

(1) 

LiLic  Lodge,  Beectujrove,  Hants, 
April  5th,  1911. 

To  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith, 
Deputy-Assistant  Surveyor  of  Taxes, 
Inland  Eevenue, 

(City  54th  A  District) 
Boom  92,  Fifth  Floor, 
Budget  Buildings, 
13-16  Stamp  Street, 

London,  E.G. 

SIR,— I  have  this  morning  received 
the  enclosed  demand  for  Income  Tax 
£30  Os.  9d.,  signed  by  you,  and  if  it  is 
not  taking  up  too  much  of  your,  no 
doubt,  valuable  (!)  time  should  very 
much  like  to  know  how  such  a  sum  is 
arrived  at.  I  may  say  at  once  that  I 
do  not  intend  to  pay  it ;  but  it  would  be 
interesting  to  know  exactly  how  far  the 
incompetence  of  public  officials  carries 
them  in  their  extortionate  and  un- 
justifiable demands  on  the  public. 

Yours  truly,     A.  J.  BROWN. 

(2) 

Lilac  Lodge,  etc.,  April  12th,  1911. 
To  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith,  etc.,  etc. 

(H.J.K.  596.) 

SIR,— With  reference  to  your  letter 
of  llth  inst.,  in  which  you  state  that  I 
have  apparently  misunderstood  instruc- 
tions as  to  making  a  return,  I  beg  to 
state  that  I  am  as  capable  of  under- 
standing plain  English  as  you  are, 
and  I  would  add  that  in  a  matter  of 
arithmetic  I  am  more  capable,  as  far  as 
can  be  judged  from  your  so-called  ex- 
planation. My  return  of  £699  19s.  lid., 
by  the  law  of  the  land,  entitles  me  to 
the  relief  for  those  whose  incomes  do 
not  reach  £700,  and  I  defy  you  to  deny 
it  to  me.  The  deductions  I  have  made 
to  bring  it  within  that  figure  I  say  I 
have  a  right  to  make,  and  no  Mr. 
W.  P.  Smith  (!)  in  the  world  can 
deprive  me  of  that  right.  It  is  true 
that  I  have  deducted  the  rent  I  pay  for 
my  house  from  my  return,  as  I  also  use 
it  for  an  office,  directing  circulars,  etc., 
for  the  various  societies  of  which  I  am  a 
well-known  supporter.  And  inasmuch 
as  the  income  I  enjoy  comes  from 
investments  made  by  my  late  father, 
in  his  capacity  as  leather  trunk  manu- 
facturer, I  have  a  perfect  right  to  treat 
the  whole  of  it  as  earned  income.  II 
ivas  earned — by  my  father,  a  man  known 
and  respected  in  the  City  of  London 
which,  if  you  take  the  trouble,  you  can 
find  out. 


In  conclusion,  I  would  recommend 
you  to  attend  evening  classes  at  one 
of  the  various  institutions  founded  to 
assist  those  who  suffer  from  a  defective 
education.       Plain  addition   and   sub- 
sraction  can  be  learnt  even  by  the  most 
gnorant,  if  they  set  their  minds  to  it. 
Yours  truly,     A.  J.  BBOWN. 

(3) 

Lilac  Lodge,  etc.,  April  18th,  1911. 
To  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith,  etc.,  etc. 

(H.J.K.  596.) 

giR) — Certainly  I  have  made  my  re- 
turns in  the  way  indicated  in  my  letter 
of  12th  inst.  for  the  past  several  years, 
&nd  they  have  never  been  questioned. 
Perhaps  you  will  now  kindly  send  me 
in  a  correct  demand  note,  and  I  will 
'orward  cheque  in  accordance  there- 
with. I  cannot  spend  further  valuable 
time  in  corresponding  with  those  who 
are  patently  incompetent  to  do  any 
3usiness  at  all,  let  alone  that  of  a 
public  office. 

Yours  truly,     A.  J.  BROWN. 

(4) 

Lilac  Lodge,  etc.,  April  24th,  1911. 
To  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith,  etc.,  etc. 

(H.J.K.  596.) 

SIR, — The  impudence  of  your  demand 
is  positively  staggering  in  its  colossal  in- 
eptitude. Do  you  really  think  you  are 
entitled — a  mere  "  Jack-in-office  " — to 
deal  in  that  way  with  a  member  of  the 
public,  and  a  well-known  and  respected 
one,  such  as  I  humbly  claim  to  be  ?  1 
enclose  cheque  for  £30  Os.  9d.,  which 
was  your  original  demand.  I  have  no 
patience  to  go  on  with  the  matter,  and 
would  sooner  be  swindled  in  this  way 
than  suffer  the  annoyance  of  further 
correspondence  with  one  so  absurdly 
unfitted  for  a  position  of  trust  as  your- 
self. As  for  your  cool  demand  for 
£372  3s.  2d.,  for  arrears  of  tax,  fines 
for  making  false  returns,  and  what  not, 
I  warn  you  that  you  are  not  permitted, 
under  your  office,  to  insult  the  taxpayers 
by  whom  you  are  paid,  and  I  doubt  not 
grossly  over-paid,  for  the  work  you  are 
not  capable  of  doing.  If  I  suffer  any 
more  annoyance  from  you  I  shall  put 
the  matter  into  the  hands  of  my  solici- 
tor, and  you  will  be  dealt  with  as  you 
deserve. 

Yours  truly,     A.  J.  BROWN. 

(5) 

Lilac  Lodge,  etc.,  May  15th,  1911 
To  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith,  etc.,  etc. 

SIR, — I  enclose  cheque  for  £372  3s.  2cZ 
as  I  am  advised  by  my  solicitor  thai 
under  the  present  state  of   the  law  J 
cannot  expect  to  win  a  case  against  the 
powerful    and  oppressive  public  bod 
under  whose  shelter  you  pursue  your 
wicked  and  nefarious  career.     If  it  hac 
been  otherwise  I  should  have  taken  th 


;ase  to  the  House  of  Lords  sooner  than 
sit  down  under  such  barefaced  and 
dishonest  robbery.  But  you  need  not  i 
-hink  that  I  have  done  with  you.  I 
lave  requested  my  wife's  relative,  Mr. 
F.  E.  Jones,  M.P.,  to  ask  a  question  in 
;he  House  of  Commons  relative  to 
your 'fitness  for  the  post  you  occupy, 
and  it  is  my  earnest  hope  that  as  the 
result  of  enquiry  you  will  lie  dismissed 
rom  that  office,  as  you  deserve  to  be. 
Yours  truly,  A.  J.  BROWN. 

Correspondence  ended.  Mr.  F.  E. 
Jones,  M.P.,  is  not  reported  to  have 
asked  any  question  in  the  House  of 
'lommons,  and  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith,  still 
earns  the  emoluments  of  his  office  and 
the  confidence  of  his  superiors. 

[In  our  next  issue  we  propose  to  give 
B.— THE  EIGHT  WAY.] 

A  JEWELLED  SELL. 

PALE  pearls 
Are  best  for  girls, 
And  queenly  diamond  stones 
Their  charming  chaperons 

Do  most  befit ; 
But  this  fierce  ruby,  heart's  blood  of  j 

the  East, 
What  does  it  want,  I  ask  you,  west 

of  Suez? 
Down  the  dim  centuries  of  fight  and 

feast 
It 's  blazed   (no  doubt)  on   many  a 

Rajah-roue's 
Kingly  and  costly  kit ; 
Balefully  still   it   blinks   of   hate  and 

harm, 
An  asp  upon  my  Amy's  rose-white  arm ! 

What  tales 
Of  long  jezails, 
And  grim  zenana-bars, 
And  cruel  scim^ars 
Could  it  portray ! 
Torture,  intrigue   it   knows,   and  cut- 

and-thrust 
Of    companies,    bow-string    and 

poisoned  potion, 
And   elephants    soft-padding    through 

the  dust, 
And  years  and  years  of  killing  and 

commotion. 

What,  Amy,  did  you  say  ? 
"Talk  about  something  that  I  under- 
stand ?  "     Why,  quite. 
A  Capetown  garnet,  is  it  '?      Oh,  all 
right ! 

The  Trick  Header. 

""Ere  y'are,  casting  ! '  lie  cried  hoarsely. 
'  All  about  the  bank  t'ylure  ! ' 

Creed,  with  an  oath,  bade  the  boy  be  oft';  and 
then,  with  a  sudden  change  of  mind,  snatched 
the  paper  into  a  ball,  lie  hurled  it,  with  a  savage 
movement,  under  the  scat. 

A  glance  at  the  columns  on  the  front  ]>age 
elicited  a  snarling  curse  from  him." 

' '  A  lusifcrs  "  serial. 


AUGUST  9,  1911.J 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Longsltoreman  (to  Yachtsman  who,  having  run  his  yncitt  upon  a  spit  of  sand  in  order  la  icrtib  her  bottom,  it  waiting  ickiist  the  tide  ritci 
.titjjicicntly  for  him  to  proceed).    "Tins  srrr's  A  VERY  DANGEROI'S  BIT,  MISTER  ;    MANY  A  SUIT'S  GONE  DOWN  TIIEBE.     WE'LL  TOW 

YER  OFF  FOR  A   QUID  ?  ' 

yachtsman.   "I'LL  GIVE  YOU  FIVE  SHILLINGS  TO  SAVE  TIME." 

Longshoreman.   "No,  THAN  KM,  MISTER;    WE'LL  CET  MORE  THAN  THAT  FOR  YBR  BODY." 


POSE-CULTUEE. 

PROFESSOB  SANDHILL  begs  to  inform 
the  readers  of  Punch  that  his  salon  for 
pose-culture  is  now  open  at  947A,  New 
Bond  Street. 

In  these  days  of  illustrated  papers 
and  vest-pocket  cameras,  pose-culture 
is  necessary  to  the  peace  of  mind  and 
good  reputation  of  "not  only  Society 
people,  but  litigants,  criminals,  pro- 
fessional boxers,  actresses,  heroes  in 
humble  life,  politicians,  and  all  who 
attain  notoriety  by  romantic  and  un- 
usual means. 

The  picture  of  the  Duchess  of  X. 
climbing  on  to  her  drag  at  Lord's, 
which  went  the  rounds  a  short  time 
ago,  showed  at  a  glance  the  imperative 
need  for  pose-culture.  Good  people 
cannot  learn  too  soon  that,  after  all,  it 
matters  less  what  you  are  than  how 
you  look. 

One  of  the  most  deplorable  results  of 
the  photographic  illustrations  of  our 
daily  Press  'is  the  injury  done  to  the 
favourite  pastimes  of  Society.  Already 
the  impromptu  gymkhana  has  become 
a  daring  enterprise  in  the  most  secluded 
of  country  houses,  while  those  charming 
little  chimney-pot  parties  that  have 
been  so  popular  this  season  are  threat- 
ened with  extinction  because  of  the 


grotesque  pictorial  results  that  have 
attended  them. 

Professor  Sandhill's  teaching  is 
this :  "  So  pose  from  moment  to 
moment  that  you  need  not  fear  the 
sudden  camera  " — an  injunction  which 
is  already  displacing,  among  the  best 
people,  that  somewhat  archaic  moral 
obligation  :  "  So  act  from  moment  to 
moment  that  you  need  not  fear  sudden 
death."  As  the  Professor  wisely  re- 
marks, there  are  things  more  sudden 
than  death.  By  his  beneficent  method 
you  are  raised  in  a  brief  fortnight  to 
that  pinnacle  of  sturdy  indifference 
from  which  may  be  uttered  the  proud 
defiance :  "  They  print  ?  What  print 
they?  Let  them  print !" 

Professor  Sandhill's  staff  includes 
some  of  the  most  cruel  operators  and 
cameras  that  were  ever  engaged  in 
the  service  of  the  London  Press. 
Within  five  minutes  of  your  entrance 
into  his  salon  you  will  be  shown  a 
picture  of  yourself  paying  the  taxi- 
driver  that  will  make  you  ask  to  begin 
his  fifty-guinea  course  of  pose-culture 
at  once.  But  after  the  course  you 
will  be  able  to  defy  the  whole  staff  and 
equipment  at  their  worst,  emerging 
graceful  and  picturesque  from  their 
most  malevolent  endeavours.  What- 
ever you  may  do  after  the  Professor's 


tuition,  whether  it  be  participating  in 
a  tug-of-war  or  attending  your  own 
marriage  ceremony,  it  will  be  impossible 
for  you  to  do  it  in  a  manner  unfit  to 
print  in  any  paper  in  the  land. 

Behaving  yourself  is  one  thing ; 
behaving  yourself  for  permanent  pic- 
torial record  is  quite  another  thing. 
You  owe  it  to  yourself  and  to  your  off- 
spring, however  tender  their  years, 
that  no  pressman's  camera  shall  pro- 
duce a  picture  of  you  or  yours  that  can 
bring  a  flush  of  pleasure  to  the  face  of 
your  worst  enemy. 

In  view  of  the  approach  of  the 
Twelfth,  Professor  Sandhill  invites 
immediate  enquiries.  No  case  is 
hopeless.  

Renter  states  that  Herr  SILVESTEB, 
President  of  the  Lower  House  of  the 
Austrian  Reichsrath,  has  proposed  that 
"Austria-Hungary,  Italy  and  France 
should  unite  in  breaking  the  power  of 
Great  Britain,  who  was  constantly 
interfering  in  matters  all  over  the 
world.  He  was  convinced  that  this 
new  theory  would  not  be  welcome  in 
Great  Britain." 

On  the  contrary,  Mr.  Punch,  at  any 
rate,  always  extends  a  hearty  welcome 
to  the  best  examples  of  Continental 
humour. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


Caddie.  "I  GOT  THAT  BALL  WE  LOST  THIS  MORNING,  Si  it — GOT  IT  FROM  A  SMALL  BOY." 
Golfer.  "GOOD.     LET'S  SEE— EK— WHAT  DID  YOU  GIVE  HIM  FOR  IT?" 
Caddie.   "A  FLIP  UNIIEK  THE  LUG,  Sni." 


HEAT  WAVE   INTEEVIEWS. 

WE  are,  thanks  to  the  courtesy  of 
the  Editor  of  The  Review  of  Eeviews, 
in  a  position  to  place  before  our  readeis 
some  interesting  extracts  from  an  in- 
terview with  Lord  KITCHENEB  which 
will  appear  in  the  next  number  of  that 
veracious  publication.  The  interview,  it 
appears,  took  place  in  the  Paddington 
Swimming  Baths  on  July  22nd,  the 
hottest  day  of  the  year,  where  the 
Editor  happened  to  occupy  a  box  next 
to  that  of  Lord  KITCHENEH. 

"  Other  soldiers,"  began  Lord 
KITCHENER,  "  have  based  their  claim 
to  remembrance  on  carnage.  I  wish 
my  name  to  be  assoaiated  with  gentle- 
ness, urbanity  and  suavity.  Hence  my 
first  action  on  landing  in  Egypt  will 
be  to  disband  the  Egyptian  army, 
to  dismiss  all  British  officials,  and 
in  a  word  to  govern  Egypt  by  the 


Canal?  In  the  first  place  I  propose 
to  entrust  its  control  entirely  and 
absolutely  to  the  Nationalist  Egyp- 
tians, to  whom  of  course  the  shares 
purchasad  by  Lard  BEACONSFIELU 
will  be  surrendered.  The  name  Tel- 
el-Kebir  is  to  be  removed  from  the 
map,  and  any  Englishman  mentioning 
it  in  public  will  be  finei  £5  the  first 
and  £50  the  sacond  time.  The  English 
tongue  and  the  British  flag  will 
both  disappsar  from  Egypt.  The 
Copts  will  bo  decopitated.  There  will 
be  a  municipal  circus  at  which  the 
Mameluke's  Leap  will  be  repeated  twice 
daily.  I  have  already  got  the  consent 
'of  the  Society  for  the  Prevention  of 
Cruelty  to  Animals  to  the  necessary 
expenditure  of  horseflesh.  Then  there 
is  the  question  of  costume,  to  which  I 
attach  the  greatest  possible  importance. 
With  the  assistance  of  Dr.  BUDGE  and 
other  eminent  Egyptologists  I  have 


people  for  the  people.     Some   persons  j  designed  a  uniform  for  myself  whicl: 
for  some  unaccountable  reason   have  is    simply    pyramidal    in    its   antique 


chosen   to   identify  mo   with  a  policy 


of    blood    and    iron, 
hope,    soon  learn    to 


They    will,     I 
recognise   their 
my     great 


blunder    and      see     that 
aim    is    to    inaugurate    a    regime    of 
milk   and   golden   syrup.    .    .    .    You 
ask  what   I   propose  to   do  with  the 


grandeur.  It  involves  a  b)ard  a  la 
BAMESES  II.,  which  CLAEKSON  has 
executed,  and  it  may  be  rathe r  trying  in 
this  hot  weather,  but  still  the  sacrifice 
is  worth  making;  and,  cntre  nous,  I 
can  tell  you  that  it  suits  me  very  well. 
Next  we  come  to  finance,  which,  as 


you  know,  has  always  been  my  strong 
point.  I  have  discovered  that  the  sudd 
in  the  Nile,  if  subjected  to  strong  com- 
pression, makes  an  excellent  substitute 
for  soap,  and  I  propose  to  establish 
Government  factories  at  suitable  spots, 
the  profits  from  which  will  be  devoted 
to  supplying  the  fellaheen  with  the 
amenities  of  life.  One  fellah,  one 
camel,  shall  be  my  minimum.  Another 
scheme  of»mine  is  to  restore  Cleopatra's 
Needle  to  Egypt  and  erect  it  on  the 
summit  of  the  Great  Pyramid. 

Lastly,  there  is  the  question  of 
nomenclature.  Learning  that  my 
Christian  name,  Horatio,  from  its 
association  with  the  hero  of  the  Battle 
of  the  Nile,  might  awaken  painful 
memories  in  the  hearts  of  the  Young 
Egyptians,  I  have  decided  to  take  in  its 
place  that  of  "  Shashank  Amenhotep." 

All  these  and  many  other  remark- 
able details  were  conveyed  by  Lord 
KITCHENER  in  an  interviev/  lasting 
exactly  two  minutes.  It  was  sub- 
sequently dictated  by  the  editor  to  an 
astral  typist,  and  despatched  by  wire- 
less telegraphy  to  Lhasa  to  be  verified 
by  the  Teshu  Lama.  In  the  circum- 
stances the  absolute  authenticity  of 
the  interview  can  be  unhesitatingly 
guaranteed. 


^5L^B_™B_LONDON_CHAMVABI.._Auoo8T  9    1911. 


A   SORT   OF"   WELLINGTON. 


LORD  HALSBURY  (bursting  with  military  tags).  "  UP,    LOBDS,    AND    AT    'EM." 
SCEPTICAL  PEEK.  "AT    WHOM?" 

LORD  HALSBURY.  "  WELL,    I    WANT    TO    DAMAGE    THE    GOVEENMENT    FOR    CHOICE  ;    BUT 
ANYHOW    DAMAGE    SOMEBODY." 


AUGUST  9,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


101 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTKACTKD  FROM  THE  DlAHY  OF  TV>BY,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  July  31. 


to  the  front  of  his  merry  men.  We 
should  have  had  over  again  the  tragi- 
comedy of  suspension  of  twenty-live 
Irish  Members  which  enlivened  the 


— MARK  LOCKWOOD,  Colonel,  Chairman  Session  of  1882.  Passion  would  have 
of  Kitchen  Committee,  Kuler  of  our  risen  to  white-heat,  whose  scorching 
Roast,  neatly  enclosed  POINTER  in  effect  would  have  been  felt  through  rest 
paper  bag  and  placed  him  on  the  grill,  of  the  week.  SPEAKER  contented  him- 
This  of  course  in  a  Parliamentary  self  with  giving  COUSIN  HUGH  what 

was  the  Curate  in  The  Private  Secretary 
descrilxjd  as  "  a  good  hard  knock,"  and 
when  it  became  evident  that  the  Hugh- 
ligans  were  out  for  the  night  he  invoked 


actually  happened 
for 


sense.     What 

that  Labour  Member  for  Attercliffe 
Division  of  Sheffield  is  in  habit  of 
keeping  himself  in  the  mind  of  his 
constituents  by  writing  a 
weekly  letter  published  in  local 
paper.  Discoursing  on  out- 
break in  Commons  last  week 
he  indicted  the  SPEAKEB  on 
gravest  charge  that  could  be 
levied  against  occupant  of  the 
Chair.  After  describing  the 
scene  lie  wrote  :  "  Where  was 
the  Speaker?  He  was  there 
all  right,  but  to  his  shame  be 
it  said  he  utterly  failed  to  curb 
the  wild  spirits  of  the  neurotic 
Tories  responsible  for  the 
uproar.  To  fail,  of  course, 
does  not  necessarily  mean  dis- 
grace ;  but  in  this  case  it  does, 
because  his  failure  was  the 
outcome  of  a  violent  party 
leaning.  ...  It  was  a  pitiable 
fall.  ...  I  am  sorry  to  have 
to  say  this  of  the  genial 
Speaker,  but  truth  and  fairness 
demand  I  should  say  so." 

The  MEMBER  FOR  SARK 
thinks  this  outbreak  of  petulant 
unreason,  in  its  way  equally 
deplorable  with  the  rowdy- 
ism it  rebuked,  might  just  as 
well,  even  better,  have  been 
left  in  the  obscurity  whence  it 
was  dragged.  Mr.  LOWTHER 
is  one  of  the  few  left  of  the 
ancient,  honourable  political 
body  who,  scorning  modern 
modifications,  proudly  wrote 
themselves  down  Tories. 
Nevertheless  Members  who 
have  sat  through  the  three 
Parliaments  over  which  he  has  pre- 
sided will  testify  to  the  fact  that, 
following  sacred  tradition,  he  has,  when 
in  the  Chair,  ever  shown  himself 
absolutely  free  from  political  feel- 
ing. In  the  trying  circumstances  of 
last  Monday  lie  behaved  with  ac- 
customed keenness  of  insight  and  cool- 
ness of  judgment. 

It  is  quite  true  that,  in  stable  phrase, 
he  gave  the  Hughligans  their  'eads. 
Had  he  "named"  COUSIN  HUGH  for 
disorderly  conduct  there  would  have 
followed  the  process  of  a  resolution 
of  temporary  expulsion  moved  from 
Treasury  Bench,  a  division,  the  with- 
drawal of  the  captain  and  the  coming 


HOW   WE  TREAT  OUR  LEADERS! 

Mr.  AUSTEN  CHAMBEUI.AIN.  "Our  absolute  faith  in  our  Crcat 
Leader,  our  passionate  personal  devotion  to  him,  are  unshaken  and 
nnshakealile  ;  but  I  '11  be  hanged  if  we  '11  let  him  lead  us  where  we 
don't  want  to  go  ;  and,  if  he  must  be  replaced,  well !— I  iieed  say  no 


the  Standing  Order  which  promptly 
and  effectually  stemmed  the  riot  and 
cleared  the  hall. 

Perhaps,  as  SARK  says,  MARK  LOCK- 
WOOD  might  have  left  things  as  they 
stood.  But  the  Colonel  is  a  man  of 
war.  To  this  day  recalcitrant  babes  in 
German  nurseries  are  terrified  into 
quietude  by  being  told  how,  at  a  period 
of  scare,  he  nightly  patrolled  Epping 
Forest,  unattended,  in  search  of  foreign 
spies  suspected  of  making  for  military 
purposes  surveys  and  sketches  of  this 
approach  to  London. 

Quaintest  incident  in  interlude  was 
POINTER'S  method  of  meeting  the  Reso- 
lution, which  declared  his  letter  to  be  "  a 


libel  on  Mr.  Speaker  and  a  gross  breach 
of  the  privileges  of  the  House."  Com- 
plaining that  he  had  received  only  five 
minutes'  notice  of  theColonel's  intended 
attack,  he  added,  "  I  have  not  had  much 
time  to  think  what  my  action  would  l>e 
in  the  event  of  such  a  motion  being 
brought  forward."  After  a  few  more 
preliminary  remarks  he  unblushingly 
produced  from  breast  pocket  foolscap 
sheet  of  paper  and  read  carefully  pre- 
pared statement  embodying  circum- 
scribed apology  not  quite  free  from 
tone  of  condescension  towards 
"  the  genial  Speaker."  That 
Right  Honourable  Gentleman 
graciously  accepting  it,  the 
Colonel  limbered  up  his  gun 
and  withdrew  from  the  field. 

Business  done. — Sultry  night 
in  discussion  of  Insurance  Bill. 
House  of  Lords,  Tuesday. — 
Great  day  for  the  LORD  CHAN- 
CELLOR. In  other  House  NEIL 
PRIMROSE  and  representatives 
of  affronted  Liberal  constitu- 
encies may  be  thirsting  for  his 
blood.  In  this  gilded  chamber 
of  feudal  associations  over 
which  he  appropriately  pre- 
sides he  is  increasingly 
honoured.  Since  JOHN  MOBLET 
was  privileged  to  sign  himself 
"  Morley  of  B."  (observe  the 
ineradicable  Radicalism  under- 
lying the  curtailment  of  full 
title  in  habitual  signature) 
he  was  never  so  much  struck 
with  the  topsyturviness  of  the 
world  as  when  to-day  his  duty 
as  leader  of  House  of  Lords 
imposed  on  him  the  task  of 
introducing  his  old  friend 
"  BOB  "  REID  of  House  of 
Commons  days  as  a  belted 
earl. 

For  the  LORD  CHANCELLOR 
occasion  more  gratifying  by 
reaso,n  of  early  misunderstand- 
ing. When  announcement 
of  his  advance  in  Peerage 
was  gazetted,  Radical  M.I',  s 


jumped  at  conclusion  that  it  was  a 
i  prelude  to  his  retirement,  a  gentle 
letting-down  of  an  embarrassing  col- 
league by  an  alarmed  PRIME  MINISTER. 
Nothing  of  the  kind.  The  earldom 
was  the  well-earned  recognition  of 
exceptional  merit  developed  in  quite 
unexpected  direction. 

Ceremonial  impressive.  When  Lord 
MORLEY  incidentally  mentioned  that  the 
LORD  CHANCELLOR  had  had  an  Earl- 
dom conferred  upon  him,  that  eminent 
personage  was  seated  as  usual  on  the 
Woolsack,  apparently  awaiting  the 
stroke  of  half-hour  that  signals  ap- 
proach to  commencement  of  public 
business.  At  sound  of  MORLEY'B  voice 


102 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


"THE  LONG  AND  THE  SHORT  OF  IT." 

Captiiu  MORRISOS-BELL  and  Sir  HENRY  KIMBEE  take  their  little  show  round  the  villages 
with  enormous  success.    .J  <   ? 


he  started  from  reverie  and,  hurriedly 
rising,  quitted  the  House. 

"  Seems  to  have  got  the  needle," 
whispered  stranger  in  Gallery  to  fellow- 
citizen.  "  Not  huffed,  is  he?  " 

On  the  contrary.  In  a  few  minutes 
returned,  having  with  alacrity  not  ex- 
celled by  GEBMAN  EMPEKOE  effected 
quick  change  into  Earl's  robes. 

New  Peers,  or  others  advanced  a  stage 
in  rank,  after  signing  Boll  of  Parlia- 
ment, make  obeisance  to  occupant  of 
Woolsack.  Woolsack  at  moment  un- 
occupied. LORD  CHANCELLOR  could 
not  bow  to  himself.  Accordingly  did 
reverence  to  the  Throne,  specially  un- 
covered for  the  occasion.  Kneeling  for 
a  moment  on  stool  at  its  foot,  "  his  eyes 
the  home  of  silent  prayer,"  he  re- 
turned to  Woolsack,  and  business  went 
on  as  if  nothing  had  happened. 

Business  done. — Appellate  Jurisdic- 
tion Bill  read  a  second  time. 

House  of  Commons,  Thursday. — 
Captain  MORRISON-BELL,  late  of  the 
Scots  Guards,  his  helmet  now  a  hi/e 
for  bees,  has  turned  his  attention  to  a 
problem,  settlement  of  which  has  long 
baffled  the  skill  of  man.  It  is  what 


other  half  2,489,418.  The  average  of 
one-half  is  16,162  electors  per  Member, 
of  the  other  7,431.  To  put  it  in  another 
way,  of  the  total  electorate  of  7,934,465, 
one-half  send  458  Members  to  Parlia- 
ment, the  other  212.  And  yet,  in  eyes 
of  the  SPEAKER  in  the  Chair  and  the 
Clerks  in  the  Division  Lobby,  one 
Membar  is  as  good  as  another. 

The  story  is  an  old  on3.  MOISRISON- 
BELL'S  ingenious  illustration  of  its 
bearings  should  do  something  to  hasten 
reform.  If  he  would  only  hire  a 
waggon  and  go  about  the  country 
exhibiting  his  plan,  accompanied  by 
HENRY  KIMBER  with  a  piano  or  a 
pair  of  cymbals,  he  would  do  the  State 
conspicuous  service. 

Business  done. — In  Committee  of 
Supply. 


HENRY  KIMBER,  earlier  leader  of  the 
Reform  crusade,  calls  "  the  misrepre- 
sentation of  the  people "  consequent 
on  the  unscientific  distribution  of 
parliamentary  votes. 

By  way  of  bring'ng  out  the  anomaly 
in  most  striking  form  the  gallant 
aptain  has  constructed  a  model  which, 
by  the  varied  height  of  upright  pencil 
sticks,  shows  at  a  glance  the  relative 
proportion  of  voters  in  various  constitu- 
encies. Looks  at  first  sight  like  a  game 
wherein  you  are  expected,  standing  at 
appointed  distance,  to  drop  a  ring  on 
a  particular  stick.  Nothing  so  frivolous. 
It  is  a  serious  object-lesson  in  the 
almost  incredible  eccentricities  of  dis- 
tribution of  voting  power. 

Here  Eomford  "lifts  its  tall  head 
and  like  a  bully"  boasts  its  electorate 
numbering  55,951,  while  not  far  off  are 
Winchester  with  3,319  voters,  Salisbury 
with  3,412,  and  on  the  other  side  of  the 
Irish  Channel  Kilkenny  with  (exclud- 
ing the  cats)  1,690  electors  empowered 
to  return  equally  with  Eomford  one 
Member  to  the  House  of  Commons. 

To  sum  up,  of  our  670  M.P.s  one- 
half  represent  5,414,357  electors,  the 


THE    SAFETY-VALVE. 

WHEN  I  am  feeling  full  of  devil, 
I  do  not  step  outside  and  revel. 

When  I  am  seized  by  wild  caprice, 
I  do  not  badger  the  police. 

I  do  not  go  upon  the  burst, 
For  mine  is  an  expensive  thirst. 

What  wild  and  boisterous  thoughts 

I  think, 
I  try  to  celebrate  in  ink, 

Supposing  that  I  might  do  worse 
Than  turn  them  into  hireling  verse. 

You  say  that  my  idea  of  fun 
Is  rather  a  commercial  one  ? 

That  may  be  so,  but  anyhow 
It 's  just  what  I  am  doing  now. 

However,  when  one  gets  as  far 
As  you  and  I  at  present  are, 

One  finds  that  life  is  hardly  quito 
As  irresponsible  and  bright 

As  one  supposed,  for  all  the  time 
One  has  to  worry  with  the  rhyme. 

One's  spirits  settle ;  one  is  fed ; 
One  even  thinks  of  going  to  bed. 

And,  if  it 's  all  the  same  to  you, 
That 's  just  what  I  am  going  to  do. 

An  Intrepid  Airwoman. 

"Miss  Alcxa  Jameson  wore  lilac  net  striped 
dress,  and  purple  hat  with  roses,  mounted  on 
grey  meteor." — Scots  Pictorial. 

"The  fifth  race  was  for  cruisers  below  thirty 
and  not  exceeding  one  hundred  and  ten  tons." 
Liverpool  Echo. 

The    second     stipulation     seems    un- 
necessarily severe. 

"Kiess's  comet  has  been  steadily  brightening 
since  the  notice  in  The  Times  of  July  19." 

Times. 

This  sounds  quite  like  The  Daily  Mail. 


AUGUST  9,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Farmer  (ffteen  miles  from .  anyirherc).   "WELL,  Dili  YE  GET  THAT  TI.MK-TAIII.E  FIIOM  Mi:.  BOSH?" 

Carter.  ''\OA,  01  DIDUXT.     THICK  TIIEEU  FELLER  WOK  TIIYIX'  A  KOISE  ot'T  o'  01 — WAXTED  TO  OIE  01  A  iiorK,  'E  PHI,  'STEAD  o' 

A  TABLE." 


SPINNING  OUT  THE  ICE. 

I  WANT  to  know  .if  any.  of  Mr. 
Punch's  readers  can  help  me.  We 
have  already  learnt  the  valuable  lesson 
of  preserving  foodstuffs  by  the  use  of 
ice.  But  how  keep  the  ice  ?  It  is  a 
question  of  preserving  the  preserver,  so 
to  speak.  I  hate  waste,  and  I  don't 
like  to'  have  a  thing  about  the  house 
that  keeps  ..disappearing  while  you  are 
not  using  it.  T  , 

We  liveJn.the  country,  aml-at  first  we 
tried1  getting 'it  "by  post.'  That  really 
was^'^rottefr'plarC"  It1  was  not  only 
that  it  never.,,  arrived,  but  we  had  all 
sort!  of  trouble  about  tlte  other  parcels 
that  came  in  contact  with  it,'  and  our 
p<jstnian -got -sciatica.  Now  we  get  it 
from  the  fishmonger  in  the  village ; 
|but  lie"  only;  lets  us  have  a  limited 
supply<'andv  he  insists  on  delivering  it 
Wly^ik  the- day.  It  wants  a  good  deal 
of  washing  too — there  are  always  a  few, 
scales  and  things  on  the, outside — and, 
that  still  further  reduces  it. 

Now  I  come  to  the  point.  It  is, 
magnificent  at  lunch,  but  we  cannot 
keep  it  till  dinner-time.  The  trouble 
is  that  the  cooling  drinks  we  have  at 


lunch  simply  whet  our  appetite  for  it 
and  we  both  feel  that  dinner  is  a  mere 
farce  without  it. 

I  was  convinced  that  I  had  read 
somewhere  that  it  ought  to  be  hung  in 
a  bag,  a  flannel  bag.  Things  like  flan- 
nel, that  sound  hot  and  frowsy,  are 
nearly  always  the  coolest,  I  find, 
according  to  the  scientific  papers.  So 
we  hung  the  first  lot  up  in  the  shade 
behind  the  coal-house  and  went  away 
and  tried  not  to  think  about  it.  But, 
when  I  came  back  in  the  evening  I 
found  nothing  but  a  limp  flannel  rag 
with  a  puddle  below  it.  The  sun  must 
have  shifted  round,  I  suppose.  Some- 
how I  hadn't  thought  of  that. 

My  wife  took  it  over  the  second  day.  i 
She  is  very  ingenious,  but,  as  I  tell  her,  j 
she    has    not    a    really   logical    mind. , 
What  she  did  was  to  pack  it  all  round 
the  thermometer  in  the  garden.     Well, 
it  brought  the  temperature  down  from 
over  eighty  to  under  forty,  and  "  There 
you  are !  "  she  said.     But  that  didn't 
stop  it  from  melting.     She  seemed  to 
have    ah    erroneous   notion    that    the] 
thermometer  would   react  on  the  ice, 
which  of  course  it  didn't.  , 

The  next  day,  without  a  word  to  any- 


one, I  sought  out  the  coldest  room  in  the 
house,  which  happened  to  be  the  nur- 
sery bathroom,  pulled  down  the  blind, 
shut  the  shutters,  and  stowed  the  ice  in 
the  bath.  I  still  think  that  might  liuvc 
worked,  if  Nurse  hadn't  turned  on  the 
hot  tap,  for  some  ridiculous  purpose 
of  her  own.  I  spoke  very  severely 
to  Nurse,  and  I  am  sorry  to  say  she 
denied  that  there  was  any  ice  there. 
She  said  she  had  found  nothing  in  the 
bath  but  a  little  floating  sawdust. 

Then  I  dug  a  hole.  Allowing  for  the 
state  of  the  weather  I  consider  that  it 
was  a  pretty  deep  hole.  Mother  Earth, 
I  told  myself,  is  little  affected  by 
changes  of  temperature.  There  I  put 
the  ice,  spread  out  on  the  bottom  %\i:li 
a  cloth  over  it.  I  blame  the  dog  for 
having  spoiled  this  experiment.  He 
has  a  shaggy  coat  and  has  been  suffer- 
ing a  good  deal  from  heat  prostration, 
and  he  spent  a  very  happy  afternoon 
in  the  hole. 

We  have  got  round  the  difficulty  in 
a  way,  but  I  hope  that  some  of  your 
readers  can  tell  me  a  better  method. 
As  it  is  we  are  just  contriving  to  catch 
up  the  last  retreatipg  fragments  by 
dining  two  hours  before  the  usual  time. 


r 


104 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


INKSLINGING   PEERS. 

GREAT  MEETING  OP  PROTEST. 

IN  conssquence  of  the  correspond- 
ence columns  of  The  Times  having  been 
given  over  to  members  of  the  House 
of  Lords,  in  which  to  make  their  posi- 
tions clear,  a  number  of  what  might 
be  called  the  serial  letter-writers  of  the 
paper  have  besn  crowded  out,  and, 
smarting  under  this  slight,  they  con- 
vened a  meeting  of  protest,  under  the 
chairmanship  of  Sir  HENRY  HOWORTH. 
Among  those  present  werd  Sir  HARRY 
POLAND,  K.C.,  Mr.  A.  KIPLING  COMMON, 
"Senex,"  "  Jusiitia,"  "  Historicus,"  Mr. 
G.  B.  SHAW  and  Sir  FREDERICK  POLLOCK. 

Sir  HENRY  HOWORTH,  who  was 
received  with  frenzied  apathy,  said 
that  he  had.  great  respect  for  peers, 
and  always  should  have,  provided  they 
were  not  "of  too  recent  manufacture. 
At  the  same  time  he.  could  not  view 
with  composure  this  poaching  on  h:s 
preserves  which  had  just  set  in  so 
acutely.  He  was  accustomed  to  oc- 
cupy every  year  as  nearly  as  possible 
eighty-four  columns  of  The  Times — not, 
he  regretted  to  say '£ the  largest  type, 
but  of  a  good  readable  size  none  the 
less.  But  since  most  of  the  paper  had 
been  set  aside  for, the'  ventilation  of 
the  opinions,  protests' and  propaganda 
of  the  peers,  he,  although  it  is  true  hs 
had  done  a  little  bit,  had  had  largely 
to  refrain,  with  the  result  that  his 
figures  for  1911  were  in  danger  of 
falling  from  eighty-four  columns  to 
about  fifty.  ('•  Shame.")  Was  this  fair 
to  him?  (Cries  of  "No.")  Was  this, 
fair  to  the  readers  of  The  Times  ? 
(Silence.) 

The  next  speaker  was  Mr.  A. 
KIPLING  COMMON,  who  said  that  he 
was  a  born  letter-writer,  his  sscond. 
name  determining  his  literary  career 
and  his  last  name  giving  him  an 
interest  in  waste  spaces,  such  as  the 
Times  Correspondence  Columns  ("  Oh! 
Oh !  ")  There  were  few  subjects,  he 
added,  on  which  he  was  not  ready,  at 
a  moment's  notice,  to  dash  off  an 
epistolary  comment ;  but  during  the 
past  few  weeks  he  had  had  to  contend 
with  so  much  unlicensed  competition, 
as  he  would  term  it — (Cheers) — that  he 
had  quite  lost  heart,  and  a  number  of 
topics  on  which  he  would  naturally 
have  had  something  pertinent  to 
say  had  escaped  scot  free.  (Cries  of 
"  Shame !  ")  However,  a  time  would 
come.  (Shudders) 

At  this  point  a  sensational  interrup- 
tion was  caused  by  the  arrival  of 
"  Senex,"  who  was  wheeled  up  in  a 
bath-chair.  The  venerable  gentleman, 
whose"  age  might  be  anything  from 
eighty  to  a  hundred,  after  being  with 
some  difficulty  assisted  to  his  feet  by 


a  valet  and  a  nurse,  was  understood 
to  rsgister  his  protest  against  the 
usurpation  of  the  Correspondence 
Columns  of  The  Times  by  aristocrats 
who  ought  to  know  better  than  put 
pen  to  paper ;  but  he  was  so  very 
imperfectly  heard  at  the  Press  table 
that  it  is  quite  possible,  as  Sir  HARRY 
POLAND  suggested,  that  he  was  merely 
applying  for  his  old  age  pension. 

"Paterfamilias"  begged  to  add  his 
oratorical  mite  to  the  meeting.  He 
hr:d,  he  said,  written  during  the  past 
three  weeks  well-reasoned  and  necessary 
letters  to  The  Times  on  the  following 
topics :  the  lateness  of  the  trains  on 
ore  of  the  principal  southern  lines  ;  the 
overcrowding  of  omnibuses  ;  the  price 
of  sleeping  berths  on  the  P.  L.  M.  ;  the 
inadequacy  of  the  gum  on  the  new 
stamps  ;  and  the  importance  of  aviators 
carrying  not  bitty  lamps  but  hooters ; 
and  not  one  had  been  inserted,  wholly 
on  account  of  the  capture  of  the  paper 
by  the  articulate  nobility.  Hitherto  he 
had  voted  against  Mr.  ASQUITH  and  his 
detestable  attack  on  the  Constitution  ; 
but  really  he  could  not  say  what  this 
new  provocation  might  not  lead  him  to 
do.  (Applause  and  cries-of  "  The  next 
Prime  Minister.") 

The  entry  of  Mr.  ALGERNON  ASHTON 
w_as  the  signal  for  the  whole  concourse 
to  rise  to  its  feet  and-sing  the  "Dead 
March"  in  Saul."  Silence  having  been 
restored,  the  champion  epistolarist 
explained  that  nothing  but  such  viola- 
tion of  the  sacred  pages  of  The  Times 
as  was  now  in  progress  could  have 
brought  him  from  his  retirement. 
(Cheevs.)  He  thought  he  had  long  ago 
written  his  latt  public  letter ;  but  when 
peers  of  the  realm,  who  had  no  call  to 
enter  the  'lists  of  correspondence  at  all, 
took  to  bombarding  The  Times  with 
their  dreary  egotistical  screeds — (loud 
applause) — he  felt  that  he  must  once 
again  till  his  fountain-pen  and  show 
the  world : what 'a 'letter  to  the  Press 
really^  was/  .  (Cheers,  and  "For  he's 
a  jolly  good  fellow !  ")  • 

Sir  FREDERICK  POLLOCK  observed  in 
plaintive  tones  that  there  was  no  more 
pernicious  form  of  the  cacoelhes 
scribendi  than  that  of  which  they  wera 
the  victims.  The  mixture  of  blue  blood 
and  black  ink  was  more  venomous  than 
any  other  fluid.  Pens  were  always 
dangerous  tools,  but  in  the  hands  of 
peers  they  became  positively  murderous. 

Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW  observed  that 
his  first  impulse  had  been  to  join  in  the 
protest,  but  on  second  thoughts  he 
found  himself  in  complete  sympathy 
with  the  peers.  For  one  thing  nobody 
could  tell  nowadays  whether  he  might 
not  go  to  bed  a  commoner  and  wake  up 
a  peer  of  the  realm.  It  was  impossible 
not  to  side  with  an  Order  to  which  you 


might  belong  at  any  moment.  Besides, 
some  of  the  peers,  as  always  happened 
with  people  who  come  fresh  to  a  thing, 
wrote  extraordinarily  well  and  in  a  most 
racy  fashion,  reminding  him  of  himself 
before  he  was  d3moralised  by  the  adula- 
tion of  smart  society  women  and  half- 
baked  socialist  undergraduates.  With 
Lord  WILLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE  as  Editor 
of  The  Times  and  Lord  NEWTON  as 
chief  leader-writer,  there  might  still  be 
a  chance  for  a  threepenny  4aily- 

Sir  HARRY  POLAND  said  that  Mr. 
SHAW'S  fulsome  defence  of  the  ink- 
slinging  peers  had  tilled  him  with 
disgust.  For  more  years  than  he  cared 
to  remember  the  words,  "  I  will  write 
to  The'  Times,"  had  involved  the  unex- 
pressed corollary,  "and  The  Times  will 
insert  what  I  write."  But  now  the 
phrase  had  lost  its  virtue.  It  no 
longer  held  good  of  the  professional 
letter-writer ;  it  applied  only  to  the 
aristocratic  amateur.  Unless  The 
Times  reverted  to; .-its  old  ;. usage,  he 
was  prepared  in  future  to  transfer  all 
his  communications  to '  The  Daily 
Telegraph.  (Sensation.) 

It  was  ultimately  decided,  on  the 
motion  of  "  Scrutator,"  seconded  by 
"  An  Indignant  Parent,"  that  a  depu- 
tation should  wait  on^the  Editor  of 
Tlie  'Times  with  the  view  of  extracting 
from 'him  guarantees  against  any  un- 
fair competition  on  the  part  of  noble 
correspondents.  The  meeting  then 
broke  up  singing  a  new  song  set  to 
music  by  Mr.  ALGERNON  ASHTON,  of 
which  the  refrain  is  : 

Silence  befits  but  slaves  in  savage  climes  ; 
We  ne'er  shall   cease   from  writing  to 
-    The,  Times. 


The  Allusive  Touch. 

"Not  in  the  first  day  upon  the  moors  is 
the  method  acquired  of  walking,  like  Agag, 
delicately  and  without  fatigue  among  the 
heather  !  " — Horning  Pott.  ..  „ 


"The  management  of  the  Dominion  Stock 
Company  will  offer — week  of  July  24 — George 
Bernard  Shaw's  'Anns  "and  the  Man,'  the 
dramatic  version  of  the  famous  musical  success 
'The  Chocolate  Soldier.'" — Ottawa  Announce- 
ment. 

Time's  revenge  upon  the  maker  of 
paradox. 

' '  So  dry  was  it,  the  flames  spread  for  about 
twenty  yards,  but  willing  hands  quickly  stamped 
them  out  before  much  damage  was  done. " 

Western  Morning  Nctcs. 

We  clap  our  feet  over  this  deed  of 
heroism. 

"Required,  Home  as  Paying  Guest  for  a 
Young  Lady  with  a  family  of  good  social  posi- 
tion," &c. — Moruiiig  Post. 

It  doesn't  say  what  she  has  done  to 
offend  her  family,  but  it  looks  as  if  she 
had  drifted  a  bit  outside  their  pale. 


AUGUST  9,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAKIVAKI. 


105 


Ethel.    "  HULLO  !   I  THOUGHT  YOU  COULD  BIDE  ! 


'  "71/1 

>,      f 

,/iw*.    "So  I  CAS!   You  DON'T  COUNT  DONKEYS,  no  TOO!" 


IN  THE  PILLOEY. 

THE  Duke  of  Belvedere  sat  in  his 
library.  No,  he  was  not  ordering  the 
eviction  of  a  highly  respectable  tenant 
who  had  been  on  the  estate  fifty-nine 
years  because  he  had  ridden  in  a  Liberal 
car  to  the  polling-booth.  You  see  he 
was  not  a  Daily  News  duke.  Nor,  on 
the  other  hand,  was  he  putting  on  the 
armour  of  his  ancestors  (the  first  Bel- 
vedere was  a  haberdasher  and  therefore 
wore  an  habergeon)  to  ride  forth  and 
strike  one  last  brave  blow  for  England, 
Empire,  Glory  and  F.  E.  SMITH.  Now 
you  see  that  he  was  not  an  Observer 
duke. 

He  was  sitting  reading  a  newspaper. 
We  could  name  the  newspaper,  only 
these  editors  get  so  confoundedly  arro- 
gant. He  was  not  bothering  about 
the  Crisis.  He  was  looking  at  the 
weather  forecast  and  wondering  when 
there  would  be  a  good  downfall  to 
improve  his  trout-stream. 

The  butler  entered  with  a  telegram. 

(To  avoid  misapprehension  one  must 
state  that  the  butler  was  not  an  ancient 
family  retainer.  He  had  been  in  the 
Duke's  service  precisely  three  months 
and  was  under  notice  to  leave  for 
drunkenness.) 

"  Another  of  'em  ?  "  said  the  Duke, 
without  troubling  tcr  open  it.  "  If  it 's 
reply  paid,  Smithers,  wire  'No'  to 
whatever  they  ask.  These  fellows  seem 


to  think  that  I  *ve  nothing  to  do  but 
answer  their  beastly  wires." 

"Yes,  your  Grace,"  replied  Smithers. 

"  And  if  any  more  of  'em  come  answer 
what  you  like,  but  don't  worry  me  with 
the  beastly  things." 

Now  the  telegram  in  question  was 
from  Lord  WILLOUOHBY  DE  BKOKE,  and 
ran:  "Will  you  pledge  yourself  not  to 
go  into  Government  Lobby  on  Veto 
Bill?  " — and  the  Duke,  who  had  not  the 
least  intention  of  going  near  London 
during  the  hot  weather,  had  replied 
"No." 

Two  days  later  the  Duke  came  down 
cheerfully  to  breakfast.  All  was  well 
in  the  world.  There  had  been  rain  in 
the  night  and  the  Duchess  had  cabled 
that  she  was  going  to  stay  at  Min- 
neapolis for  another  month. 

Smithers  awaited  him  with  anxious 
face.  He  had  folded  the  newspaper  so 
that  the  Duke  could  see  the  cricket 
scores  at  the  first  glance.  (In  some 
respects  the  Duke  was  just  an  ordinary 
human  being.) 

"If  you  will  excuse  me,  your  Grace," 
began  Smithers,  "  there  's  some  very 
bad  news  in  the  paper.  Pardon  me  if 
I  break  it  to  your  Grace." 

"  If  those  infernal  poachers  have 
been  poisoning  my  trout  stream,"  began 
the  Duke. 

"  Pardon  me,  your  Grace,  there  is 
th)  paragraph." 

The  Duke  took  up  the  paper  and 


read:  "On  receipt  of  the  news  that 
the  Duke  of  Belvedere  would  not  pledge 
himself  not  to  vote  with  the  Govern- 
ment a  special  meeting  of  the  Chow 
Bent  Constitutional  Club  was  held. 
On  the  motion  of  Councillor  Tonks  it 
was  resolved  that  tlu  n-,ne  of  the 
Duke,  surrounded  by  a  leep  black 
border,  should  be  hung  up  n  Iwth  the 
bar  and  the  billiard-root.  ." 

The  butler  waited  ea^  rl  .  He  read 
The  Observer  regularly  an  I  wondered 
whether  the  Duke  wo  Id  full  in  an 
apoplectic  fit  or  strive  to  cut  his  throat 
with  a  table-knife. 

The  Duke  cracked  his  first  egg— for 
the  benefit  of  lady  readers  one  must 
state  that  the  Duke  always  has  two, 
lightly  boiled.  "  Smithers,"  he  raid, 
"  where  the  dooce  is  Chow  Bent '.'  " 

That  night  Smithers,  weary  of 
serving  a  shameless  aristocrat,  left 
his  post,  taking  all  portable  plate  with 
him. 

"  It  is  said  to  be  pretty  certain  that  the  £rrat 
violinist    will    vinit    South    Afric-a   tlii* 
prohalily  about  September." 

South  African  ll'rrklti  Sliiailmil. 

An  interesting  paragraph,  but  it  is  a 
pity  to  head  it  "  PADEREWSKI  COMIX<;." 

Suggested  Title  for  the  Puppet  Peers 
(if  any) : — Lords  of  Creation.  If  there 
are  Suffragettes  among  the  Puppet 
Peeresses  we  are  sorrv  for  them. 


106 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  9,  1911. 


IT  is 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

a  little  difficult   to   know  what   to  write  about 


ROBKKT  HUGH  BENSON'S  latest  production,  The  Dawn  of  All 
(HUTCHINSON),  because  for  one  thing  it  is  not  a  book  that 
can  be  classed  in  any  exact  category.  In  his  preface 
FATHER  BENSON  himself  says  that  his  purpose  in  writing 
it  was  to  provide  a  kind  of  antidote  to  "  the  exceedingly 
depressing  and  discouraging  effect"  of  his  former  work, 
Lord  of  the  World ;  and,  as  that  showed  the  future  de- 
velopment of  what  is  called  modern  thought,  so  the  present 
book  treats  of  an  exactly  opposite  condition,  and  of  a  world 
in  which  revealed  religion  and  the  authority  of  Borne  have 
become  the  dominant  factors  in  human  and  international 
life.  No  one  now  will  need  to  be  told  with  what  skill  the 
author  does  this.  There  is  some  quality  about  all  FATHER 
BENSON'S  writing  which  (for  want  of  a  better  word)  I  must 
call  compulsion.  With  his  matter  one  may  be  in  the  most 
violent  disagreement,  and  irritated,  even  a  little  alarmed, 
at  bis  conclusions,  but  - 
it  is  certain  that  one ! 
cannot  help  listening  to  j 
whatever  he  chooses  to : 
say.  These  columns  are 
obviously  not  the  place 
in  which  either  to  attack 
or  defend  a  book  which 
is  partly  a  polemical 
treatise  and  partly  a 
kind  of  religious  fantasy. 
I  will  content  myself 
witli  the  promise  that 
everyone,  of  whatever 
conviction,  willfind  it  in- 
tensely interesting.  The 
central  figure,  Master- 
man,  who  eventually  be- 
comes Cardinal  Arch- 
bishop of  England,  is 
well  drawn  ;  and  the  con- 
cluding scene,  in  which 


Years  afterwards  Sir  Paul  Chadwick  turns  up  again 
unimpaired  by  South  Pacific  appetites,  and  indeed  in  a  fine 
state  of  preservation,  and  falls  in  love  with  Cecilia,  Cecili/'s 
daughter.  There  is  a  situation  that  would  have  provided 
mazes  of  psychological  incident  for  some  of  our  American 
novelists,  but  KATHARINE  TYNAN  calmly  unravels  the  diffi- 
culty by  making  Sir  Paul  transfer  his  affections  to  some- 
body else,  helped  by  a  ridiculously  artificial  series  of  mis- 
takes and  the  overworked  tide  of  the  Atlantic.  There  are 
some  pleasant  people  in  St.  Cecilia,  as  there  are  always  in 
this  writer's  books;  but  I  think  they  travel  too  much  in 
Irish  jolting  cars  to  get  their  emotions  properly  settled 
down. 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 
II. — A  BRITISH  MUSEUM  OFFICIAL   RETURNING  TO  ENGLAND  WITH 

11AKOAIN. 


I  question  which  of  the  three  of  us,  Mr.  WILLIAM  CAINE, 
who  wrote  The  Devil  in  Solution  (GREENING),  Mr.  GEOI.M. 
MORROW,  who  illustrated  it,  or  I,  who  read  it,  enjoyed 
himself  with  the  greatest  abandonment.  It  is  without 
doubt  the  most  absurd  book  I  have  ever  read.  The  mere 
idea  of  alleging  the  cocoa-drinking  habit  as  the  last  and 
most  vicious  form  of  self-stimulation,  and  not  only  so, 

but  further  hanging  the 
whole  of  a  complicated 
plot  upon  that  alone,  is 
clearly  inexcusable.  To 
set  up  the  victim  of  the 
vice,  Lord  Mark  Muckle- 
theiv,  the  aristocratic 
politico-athlete,  who  was 
betterat  everything  than 
everybody  and  offen- 
sively aware  of  it,  as  a 
hero  deserving  of  sym- 
pathy and  applause,  is 
preposterous;  and  that 
;  my  attention  and  in- 
terest should  have  been, 
seriously  invited  to  the 
insincere  narrative  of 
this  person's  frankly  in- 
conceivable career  I  re- 
gard as  a  piece  of  bare- 
faced impudence  on  the 
part  of  the  author  and 
—  his  equally  guilty  colla- 


King   and    Cardinal,   in 
their  state  aerial  barges, 

go  forth  to  welcome  the  airship  in  which  the  Pope,  borator.  Possibly  they  may  attempt  to  justify  their  out- 
attended  by  the  sovereigns  of  Europe,  is  making  his  rageous  antics  on  the  grounds  of  satire;  certainly  I  fanc'el 
triumphal  world-progress,  is,  at  the  least,  a  fine  piece  of  I  caught  a  suggestion  now  and  then  that  they  were  getting 
spectacular  imagination.  at  somebody  ;  but  whether  the  objective  was  the  Govern- 
ment, the  Smart  Set,  or  merely  myself,  I  cannot  tell,  bscause 

"  Daar  me!  "  I  can  imagine  KATHARINE  TYNAN  saying  at  I  did  not  stop  to  think.     Satire  or  no  satire,  the  whole 

about  the  two-hundredth  page  of  a  novel  she  is  writing,  thing  stands  outside  the  pale  of  dignified  criticism,  and  I 
"nobody  has  been  rescued  so  far  from  death  by  fire  or '  have  nothing  more  to  say  for  it.     But,  heavens!    how  1 

drowning   or   has   tumbled   over  a  precipice  or  even  en-  laughed  from  start  to  finish  ! 
countered  a  mad  bull.     And  this  is  Ireland,  aroon !     But '. 
never  mind,  the  second  nice  man  has  got  to  fall  in  love 
with  the  minor  heroine  anyhow,  and  get  shifted  from  the 

principal  one;   this  is  just   the   opportunity."      So  she  puts  esse"tials  of  French  character  remain  the  same  as  they  always  were,  and 

the  young  lady  at  the   bottom   of   a  very  tall   cliff   with  °"e  °f  tliehie  essentials  is  *  passionate  family  artection."-Zta%cy,,-,,, 

the  tide  coming  in,  and  the  second  nice  man  strolls  along  StiU>  hignlY  as  we  also  value  family  affection,  we   differ 

the  top,  and  there  you  are.      And  yet  if  ever  there  was  from  the  y°ung  ladv  referred  to,  in  that  we  do  rebel  against 

a  plot   that  could   have  afforded   to   dispense  with   these  "Mamman"  with  three   ro's    (especially  when   it   comes 

mechanical  contrivances  of  romance  it  is  that  of  St.  Cecilia  thre3  times  m  a  column). 
(SMITH,  ELDER).     Cecily  Shannon,  cousin  of  Lard  Dromore, ' 

has  married  beneath  her  because  her  first  fiance,  Sir  Paul       "WILLIAMS.— On  the  24th  July,  at  Longford,  Horley,  Surrey,  in 

Chadwick,  is   supposed   to  have  been  killed  and  eaten  (I  Leonard  and  Muriel  Williams — a  baby  brother  for  Maxwell." — 7'inu-s. 

think  we  might  have  dispensed  with  the  dinner  part)  by  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  this  kind  of  announcement  will  not 

savages.    In  her  mental  distress  she  has  imagined  the  young  become  general.     But  if  it  does  there  will  have  to  be  varia- 

country  doctor  who  attends  her  to  be  the  dsparted  one.  tions.     We  suggest  as  a  start,  "Maxwell's  nose  out  of  joint." 


"It  is  not   that  she  rebels  against  '  Papa,'  and  '  Mamman.'      The 


AUGUST  16,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


107 


CHARIVARIA. 

WE  have  not  had  to  wait  long  for 
the  appearance  of  an  apologist  for  the 
House  of  Commons.  Dr.  THEODORE 
LESSING,  one  of  the  most  distinguished 
scientists  of  Germany,  declares  that 
man's  desire  to  make  noises  "  is  inborn, 
can  never  be  eradicated,  and  is  as 
natural  in  him  as  breathing." 

'  * ' 
To   the   surprise  of    many  persons 

Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  resolution  as  to 
the  payment  of  salaries  to  Members 
contained  no  provision  that  such  pay- 
ment was  to  ba  conditional  on  good 
behaviour.  %  ^ 

# 

It  was  at  Ih3  top  of  the  heat  wave. 
A  fire-engine  dashed  by.  "  Good 
gracious  me!  "  cried  an  old  gentleman, 
mopping  his  brow.  "  Whatever  do 
people  want  a  fire  for 
on  a  day  l&e  this  ?  " 


"  'Ot  ain't  the  word ! " 
remarked  a  Cockney, 
little  guessing  that  he 
was  speaking  the 
truth.  ...  ... 

The  Daily  Telegraph 
informs  us  that  at 
Kingston  -  on  -Thames 
many  persons  have 
been  "bitten  by 
wasps."  It  is  difficult 
to  say  which  is  the 
more  unpleasant,  to  be 
bitten  by  a  wasp  or  to 
be  stung  by  a  dog. 


According  to  a  Paris 
newspaper  the  KAIKEB 
is  at  present  busily 
engaged  on  the  composition  of  an 
opera.  This  may  account  for  the 
Morocco  negotiations  having  dragged 
on  for  so  long.  One  has  not  time  for 
everything.  ,,  * 

* 

The  Cologne  Gazette  suggests  that 
under  German  enterprise  Agadir  might 
become  a  second  Eiviera.  If  Agadir 
ba  at  all  like  other  Moroccan  towns,  we 
should  say  that  a  great  deal  of  water  of 
Cologne  would  have  to  be  used  before 
the  proposal  becomes  practical  politics. 

:|:     £ 

• 

In  Mr.  HAXIMEHSTEIN'S  new  Opera 
House  in  Kingsway  telephones  are  to 
be  fixed  in  all  the  boxes.  "  Friends  in 
different  parts  of  the  house,"  we  ere 
told,  "  will  therefore  be  able  to  discuss 
tha  opera  or  any  other  matter  of  interest 
without  moving  from  their  seats." 
This  will  be  an  immense  improvement 
on  the  old-fashioned  way  of  exchanging 
remarks  across  the  theatre. 


It  is  just  as  well  that  it  should  be 
known  that  the  ricli  have  their  worries 
no  less  than  the  poor.  The  New  York 
World  tells  us  that  Mr.  PIERPONT 
MORGAN'S  chest  is  not  large  enough  to 
enable  him  to  wear  all  the  orders  and 
decorations  showered  on  him  by  the 
monarchs  of  Europe. 

"It  is  not  necessary,"  The  Daily 
Netvs  points  out  to  us,  "to  insist  on 
the  evident  fact  that  the  British  Fleet 
is  a  factor  in  the  maintenance  of  peace 
—especially  of  the  '  Pa  Britannica.'  " 
There  is  surely  a  mistake  here.  Either 
it  ought  to  be  "  Ma  Britauiica "  or 
"  Pa  Britannicus." 

*..  * 

JOSEPH  LENEXZI,  an  Italian,  has 
been  sentenced,  The  Express  tells  us, 
to  six  months'  imprisonment  in  New 
York  for  setting  fire  to  a  man's  bear.1 


Professor  Brown    (a    liitte    sliort-siglttcd). 

VJ5NTU1UNO    RATHER  FAB  OUT?" 


"GERTRUDE,   MY   LO.VE,    ARE  YOU    KOT 


The  mention  in  the  newspaper*)  the 
other  day  of  the  case  of  the  German 
who  had  lost  three  elephants,  reminds 
us  that  wo  have  a  friend  who  is  con- 
stantly losing  trains. 
*  * 

Are  we  decadent  ?  The  nation  which 
ceases  to  take  an  interest  in  its  great 
men  is  said  to  be  this.  Wo  note  with 
regret  that  Papworth  Hall,  which  was 
formerly  the  residence  of  Mr.  E.  T. 
HOOLEY,  was  offered  for  sale  last  week, 
but  failed  to  find  a  purchaser. 

V 

Sir  HABRY  POLAND,  K.C.,  in  an 
article  on  Swimming,  published  in  The 
Marine  Magazine,  which  chronicles 
the  doings  of  the  Warapite  boys, 
emphasises  the  importance  of  being 
able  to  swim  without  depending  on 
the  use  of  the  hands,  giving  the 
historic  instance  of  C.KSAU  saving  his 
Commentaries  when 
he  wasobligedtoswiui 
from  his  ship  in  the 
Bay  of  Alexandria. 
We  are  afraid,  how- 
ever, that  most  boys 
who  have  struggled 
with  the  Comment- 
aries will  look  on  the 
accomplishment  as  a 
most  unfortunate  one. 

V 

Herr  VON  JAGOW,  the 
Berlin  Police  Presi- 
dent, has  issued  an 
order  that  policemen 
who  permit  armed 
burglars  to  use  their 
revolvers  first  will  be 
punished.  By  the 
armed  burglars  pro- 
bably. 


at  a  funeral.  Quite  r'ght  too.  Even 
Mr.  FRANK  RICHARDSON,  we  under- 
stand, thinks  it  should  not  have  been 

done  at  a  funeral. 

*  * 

A  new  fruit  in  the  shape  of  a  berry 
which  is  neither  a  gooseberry  nor  a 
black  currant  has  appeared  at  Dun- 
stable,  near  Luton.  It  is  said  to  have 
a  pleasant  flavour.  The  individual 
who  was  the  first  to  eat  one  of  these 
berries  to  ascertain  whether  it  was 
poisonous  or  not  is  apparently  a  name- 
less hero.  Probably  it  was  tried  on  a 
small  boy  of  little  value. 

Rules  for  airmen,  shortly  to  be  issued 
in  France,  will  provide,  among  other 
things,  that  a  foreign  aviator  landing 
in  France  must  immediately  report 
himself  to  the  nearest  mayor.  Some 
of  our  airmen  are  so  expert  that  they 
will  no  doubt  drop  straight  through 
his  worship's  skylight. 


"The  Italian  Comedy  Company  gave  a  Tery 
good  representation  of  the  play  at  the  Km  pin- 
last  night',  and  were  rewarded  by  a  fine  honr, 
whose  interest  wag  attracted  as  much  by  the 
personality  of  the  company  as  by  the  cause  for 
which  the  play  was  produced." — Tht  Statesman. 

A  motor  cor  couldn't  be  appreciative 
like  that.  

"In  his  report  to  the  Stepney  Borough 
Council  Dr.  Thomas,  the  medical  officer  of 
health,  states  that  rents  have  been  so  reduced 
that  families  which  in  1901  could  not  afford  to 
rent  two  rooms  are  now  able  to  rent  three  or 
more  at  the  same  price."—  Tin  Time*. 

What  price? 

"  I  arranged  with  Mr.  Claude  Grahame  White 
to  carry  a  sack  of  mails  weighing  orer  100  cwt. 
from  Blackpool  to  Southport  nearly  a  year  ago. 
At  that  date  the  '  matter  did  not  interest '  the 
Post  Office."— Letter  from  ifr.  O.  Holt  Thomas 
to  "TlieDaily  Graphic"  apropot  of  Ou  aerial  post. 

The  Post-Office  was  strangely  apathetic. 
Anyone  ought  to  be  interested  in  an 
aeroplane  that  could  carry  a  sack  of 
letters  weighing  five  tons. 


voi~  CXLI. 


tos 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[•AUGUST  16,  1911. 


"VENUS." 

in  this  article  to  say  a  few  words  in  favour 
hotli  of  cats  in  general  and  of  a  particular  cat  whose 
friendship  I  have  recently  gained.  I  think  it  right  to  say 
this  at  the  very  outset  in  order  that  those  who  nourish  an  ! 
ineradicable  prejudice  against  cats  may  have  due  warning. 
Such  people  actually  exist.  Have  we  not  all  heard  of  a 
gallant  field-marshal  whose  mind  and  limbs,  indomitable  in  I 
the  face  of  human  enemies,  surprise  him  by  giving  way  if  j 
a  cat  should  happen  to  be  in  the  same  room  with  him? 
I  have  myself  known  a  man  not  otherwise  cowardly 
who  feared  and  detested  cats  to  the  point  of  fanaticism. 
They  revenged  themselves  upon  him  by  pursuing  him 
with  a  perfect  passion  of  misplaced  affection.  In  vain 
did  he  shut  and  bolt  his  bedroom  door  after  a  careful 
investigation  had  assured  him  that  no  cats  had  gained 
admittance.  They  grew  by  some  magic  in  the  watches 
of  the  night,  and  towards  2  A.M.  a  number  of  them  would 
issue,  purring  and  triumphant  and  sportive,  from  beneath 
the  bed.  Over  the  futile  cat-hunt  that  ensued  it  is  best  to 
draw  a  veil. 

This  unreasoning  and  immutable  affection  for  men, 
women  and  Children  is,  indeed,  the  strongest  characteristic 
of  cats/'  Where  a  dog  would  retire,  disconcerted  or  angry, 
from  a  man's  blows  or  a  child's  uncouth  caresses,  a  cat 
will,  after  perhaps  a  momentary  flurry,  resume  her 
imperishable  adoration.  And  there  is  about  all  cats 
a  dignity  that  persists  even  under  the  most  depressing 
circumstances.  Couched  on  a  ricketty  chair,  in  some 
miserable  apology  for  a  room,  a  cat  lends  to  the  scene 
an  air  of  long  'descent  and  aristocratic  comfort.  To 
look  at  a  king  is  a  privilege  we  may  all  share  with  a  cat, 
but  is 'there  one  of  us^who  can  do  it  with  the  cat's  serene 
assurance  of  being  the  protecting  power  ?  Because  cats 
are  nearly  always  dignified  and  are  usually  serene,  and 
because*  they  thus  rise  above  their  surroundings,  unthinking 
persons  have  set  them  down  as  being  merely  selfish  lovers 
of  comfort. '  I  repudiate  the  charge  with  all  the  energy  of 
which,  in  this  sultry  season,  I  am  capable. 

So  much  for  cats  in-  general.  J .  .do  Hot  pretend  to 
have  made  anything  like  an  exhaustive  list  of  their 
superlative  merits,  but  for  the  present  it  must  suffice. 
Let  me  now  describe  the  particular  cat  I  have  in 
mind..  One  morning,  some  weeks  ago,  as  I  was  walking 
in'  the  garden  my  "attention  was  arrested  by  a  series'  of 
pitiful' mowings.' *  For  'some~time  I  failed  to  see  the  mower, 
but  at  last,'  in  answer  to  an  encouraging  call,  there  issueJ 
from  a 'clump  'of  bushes^ a  tortoiseshell  cat.  So  woe- 
begone a  figure  I  never  beheld.  -Her  coat  was  patchy  and 
untidy,  she  was  wretchedly, thin,  her  ears  were  as  those  of 
a.  bat,  and  her  tail  was  so  long,  so  attenuated,  and  was  so 
stiffly  held  at  an  awkward  angle  that  it  seemed  to  have  no 
proper  connection  with  the  poor  body  from  which  it  pro- 
jected. ,  There  was  no  disguising  the  painful  Tact :  she  was 
unquestionably  void  of  all  external  charms.  Indeed,  she 
was,  and  isran.  .ugly  cat. 

When  she  saw  me  she  stopped  with  one  paw  ppised  in  the 
air.  "  I  have  had  many  disappointments,"  she  seemed  to  be 
thinking,  "  and  this  is.  perhaps,  not  the  man  I  'm  looking 
for,  the  beloved  companion,  the  milk-provider.  Let  me  not 
commit  myself,  for  a  kick  is  easy  for  him  and  painful  to 
me.'  I  called  her  again,  and  then  she  made  up  her  mind. 
With  a  cry  of  "  pr-r-roo,"  which  is  a  cat's  fullest  expression 
of  confidence  and  a  desire  for  closer  intimacy,  she  bounded 
at  me  and  made  intricate  arches  of  friendship  round  and 


round  my  legs,  gazing  up  into  my  face  with  a  look  of  rapt 
devotion  in  her  emerald  eyes.  "  I  have  sought  you,"  she 
purred,  "  for  a  thousand  years,  and  now  at  last  I  have  found 
you,  oh  worshipful  one.  Is  there  any  milk  about  the  place 
for  your  slave  to  lap?"  Need  I  say  that  the  milk  was 
provided  in  a  bowl  ?  It  was  drunk  up  to  the  last  drop. 

Whence  this  cat  came — we  have  named  her  Venus — I 
have  been  unable  to  discover.  Nobody  in  the  village  is 
willing  to  claim  her  or  confess  to  having  seen  her  before. 
One  of  the  gardeners,  indeed,  thinks  lie  saw  her  "  among 
the  beans"  a  day  or  two  before.  He  alleges  that  she 
sprang  violently  out  at  him  and  gave  him  'something 
which  he  describes  as  "quite  a  turn";  but  the  testimony 
of  gardeners  is  not  always  to  be  trusted.  Nor  do  I  know 
where  she  sleeps.  On  every  morning  since  our  first  inter- 
view she  has  turned  up,  seemingly  from  nowhere,  in  the 
same  sudden  manner.  She  has  had  her  rations,  lias 
performed  her  toilet,  and  has  followed  me  about  tht>  garden 
like  a  dog.  Then  she  has  vanished  to  re-appear  again 
in  the  afternoon.  Her  demonstrations  of  affection  have 
been  conducted  on  a  crescendo  principle.  She  is  the 
embodiment  of  self-forgetting  adoration.  Had  I  not  seen 
her  defending  herself  against  the  inquisitive  approach  of1  a 
Pekinese  spaniel  I  should  have  conceived  her  to  be  abso- 
lutely clawless.  Sometimes  she  honours  the  library  sofa 
with  her  presence,  but  when  I  leave  the  room  she  tries  to 
follow  me.  If  she  fails  in  consequence  of  a  misjudgm'ent 
about  the  door  she  waits  for  my  return  and  welcomes'  me 
with  a  transport  of  joy.  But,  wherever  she  may  be;  she 
vanishes  at  about  8  P.M.  into  some  mysterious  nocturnal 
home  outside,  and  is  seen  no  more  until  the  following  morn- 
ing. She  is  now  sleek  and  plump,  and  she  may,  therefore, 
have  abandoned  her  intention  to  turn  into  a  princess  more 
beautiful  than  the  day.  Frankly,  I  like  her  better  as  a 
plain  cat. 

TO  A  KINGFISHEB. 

ST.  PETER  was  a  fisherman,  a  fisherman  wa,s  ho, 
He  killed  his  fish  right  handsomely  in  gentle  Galilee, 
As  you  and  I  would  do,  my  friend,  from  Severn  unto  Dee  ! 

He  always  acted  sportsmanlike  though  Luck  she  scowled 

or  laughed,  , 

He  'd  throw  into  a  ten-knot  breeze  as  though  it  blew  abaft, 
And  you  and  I  are  proud  to  be  of  that  his  ancient  craft ! 

It 's  not  in  any  book  I  've  read — but  still  it  may  have  been 
That  you  have  perched  beside  his  lines,  so  shiny-eyed  and 

keen, 
A  little  apt  disciple  in  a  coat  of  blue  and  green !  . 

And  since  he  teas  a  fisherman,  the  brightest  bird  that  flies 
He  vowed  to  other  fishermen  who  cast  'neath  colder  skies, 
To    light   their  riverbanks,   that   they    his    name    might 

recognise ! 

Oh,  I  was  up  last  Saturday  by  Thames's  amber  brown, 
While  yet  the  oak  and  elm  they  wore  the  night's  grave 

misty  gown, 
And  saw  you  like  an  emerald  go  flashing  up  and  down  1 

And  as  it  seemed  for  fishermen  that  life  was  passing  good, 
I  lit  a  little  candle  at  St.  Peter's-in-the-Wood, 
Or  if  I  didn't  actually,  I  think'he  understood! 


The  suggestion  is  made  that  the  new  postage-stamps 
might  be  made  more  acceptable  if  the  taste  of  the  gum 
were  improved.  Why  not  have  half  -  a  -  dozen  popular 
flavours  —  say,  peppermint,  aniseed,  white  rose,  heliotrope, 
peardrop,  and  special  toffee  ?  With  a  really  nice  gum  the 
stamps  would  be  sure  to  catch  on. 


TEEMINOLOGICAL   EXACTITUDE. 

MB.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL.  "I    SAY,    YOU'LL    HAVE    TO    TAKE    THAT    LABEL    OFF;     WE'VE 
GIVEN    THE    SHOW    AWAY." 


•  i-- 

.„.         ^     i 

:T          .«•—-•••• 


I  ?-  • 

v-;;~: 


:f       ^ 

•       ;-      •'«r: 
'  • 

!          .         I  y-^-   •- 


-• 


AUGUST  16,  1911.] 


PUNCH, 


MICROBE  STUDIES  FOR 
MUSICIANS. 

[With  acknowledgments  to  the  Analytic* 
Concert-Programme,  j 

I. 

"LITTLE  BO-PEEP." 

IN  this  "Pastorale  of  the  Criche,"  a 
Schmidt   lias  poetically  described  th 
fragrant  episode,  the  leading  theme  L 
at  once   vigorously  attacked,   a   note 
being  struck  three  times  in  quick  sue 
cession.     This  note  is  no  other  than 
the  basic   generative   germ-cell   itself 
and  a  fourth  repetition  of  the  note,  b1 
completing  the  thematic  cadence,  con 
eludes  the  first  statement  of  the  ful 
germinal  theme  which  we  have  been 
eagerly  expecting.     It  will  be  noticec 
as  the  theme  develops  that  bacilli  are 
conspicuous  by  their  scarcity,  and  it  is 
to  this  absence  of  organic  cells  that  the 
beatific  serenity  of  the  cadence  is  attri 
butable,    and,    what    is    much    more 
important,  it  gives  us  the  rare  oppor- 
tunity of  using  the  word  "Cancrizans1 
(although    in    a     somewhat    strainec 
sense)  to  describe  the  backward  retro- 
cession of  the  rhythmic  impulse  to  its 
source. 

n. 
"  Pop  GOES  THE  WEASEL." 

The  main  theme  at  once  introduces 
us  to  the  central  germ  motive  (motif] 
or  bacteriological  core.  The  introduc- 
tion being  effected  we  have  leisure  to 
observe  that  the  well-established  rule 
in  music  that  one  note  shall  follow 
another  is  here  well  sustained.  The 
life-pulse  or  "arterial  exuberance"  oi 
the  leading  theme  is  conspicuous  and 
may  serve  to  introduce  a  sappy  inci- 
dent in  the  life  of  Besenstielmeister, 
the  eminent  conductor,  who  transcribed 
the  air  for  piccolo  and  bassoons  in 
unison.  It  appears  from  the  Musical 
Life  of  Vanderpoop  that  Frau  Besen- 
stielmeister was  greatly  attached  to  a 
gardener  whom  the  famous  impresario 
dismissed  from  his  service  on  a  proved 
charge  of  eating  an  early  lettuce.  Sub- 
sequently the  unhappy  lady  spent  many 
lours  daily  in  the  deserted  potting- 
shed,  where,  it  is  said,  the  seedlings 
were  often  watered  with  her  tears. 
Her  husband,  as  well  known,  met  his 
end  while  experimenting  with  a  diver's 
outfit  which  had  been  delivered  at  his 
louse  in  error. 

in. 
"  SIB  ROGER  DE  COVERLET." 

We  cannot  do  better  than  give  a 
translation  of  Dr.  Eselkopf 's  lucid  dis- 
section of  this  air.  "  The  piece  de- 
scribes," says  the  Doctor,  "  an  episode 
in  the  adventurous  life  of  a  courageous 
leucocyte.  The  first  two  and  a  half 


THE   LAST  WORD. 

'GAKN-!   GOT  THE  PIP  'con  YEK  WASN'T  MADE  A  PUPPY  pEirn,  I 


bars  are  descriptive  of  the  elation  of  |  bacteriologist,  who  has  made  a  report 
the  mature  and  vigorous  corpuscle  I  which  will  be  read  with  avidity  by 
as  he  perambulates  the  warm  blood-  all  true  music-lovers.  After  describing 
stream  until,  suddenly,  he  observes  the  precautions  to  eliminate  germs  which 
approach  of  a  valiant  bacterium.  The  |  might  have  become  attached  to  the 
fourth  bar  opens  with  the  cry  of  battle  surface  of  the  paper  and  therefore 


and  prepares  us  for  the  attack.    In  the 


could  not  be  considered  as  inherent  in 


f,  f      111  "«i»«\*W»  VM      UO      llllJt-lt     III       JU 

Ittn  the  combatants  come  to  grips,  in  the   music  itself,  the  learned   Doctor 

;he  sixth  they  break  away  and  prepare  states  that,  under  conditions  of  perfect 

for    renewed    onslaught,   and    in    the  sterility,  cultures  were  procured  from 

seventh  and  eighth  the  pallid  corpuscle  the  score,  being  incubated  in  prepared 

vanquishes  his  adversary  and  devours  bouillon  at   a  temperature  of  95°  F. 

iim."    The  victorious  leucocyte,  in  a  Musicians    will    be    gratified    by    the 

state  of  exaltation,  then  resumes  his  Professor's    endorsement    of    modem 


adventures  one  octave  higher,  and 
inally,  in  the  coda,  retires  to  a  lym- 
)hatic  gland. 


IV. 


"  ORANGES  AND  LEMONS." 
The  melodic  skeleton  which  forms 
he    foundation    of    this    enthralling 


methods  of  analysis,  for  he  states  that 
a  serum  derived  from  these  cultures 
injected  subcutaneously  killed  a  cart- 
horse. 

WIELAND,   the    Swiss    aviator,   has 
just  had   a  remarkable    escape.     He 


musical  entity  is  of  so  fragile  a  char-   fell  on  a  flock  of  sheep,  of  which  five 
acter  that  exact  articulation  becomes  were  killed,  but  the  animals  broke  his 
a  matter  of  great  difficulty,  and  any ;  fall.     It  is  now  proposed  to  instal  at 
lissection    of    its    organic    cells    and  Brooklands    and    elsewhere  sheep   in 
lassification  of  its  germic  system  an  groups  of  not  fewer  than  five.     Arising 
ffair  of  deep  complexity.     In  these '  out    of    this    incident  we  learn   that 


ircumstances  it  has  seemed  desirable 
o  obtain  an  authoritative  opinion  on 
he  subject,  and  accordingly  Professor 
Bouveril,  Mus.Bac.  Oxon,  was  asked 
o  supply  a  microbic  analysis,  a  copy 
f  the  score  being  enclosed  with  the 
stter  making  the  request.  By  an 
ccident  the  envelope  was  addressed 


French  aviators  have  adopted  as  argot 
for  landing  the  phrase,  "  Revenons  d 
nos  moutons." 


"  Visitors  to  Lustleigh  and  the  Cleaves  hare 
been  much  larger  this  year  than  previously  up 


to  the  present. 


Mid-Dtrmi  and  \ewton  Timrs. 


Professor    Condy,     the     eminent]  We  await  measurements. 


112 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  16,  1911. 


METHODS  OF  IDENTIFICATION. 

THE  Twins  were  at  the  wickets, 
delighting  everyone  except  the  fielding 
side  with  a  brilliant  display  of  batting. 

"Oh,    well    hit,  {  j^,,,  exclaimed 
Peters  and  Priddy  simultaneously. 
"  You    ass !— that  wasn't  |  g^  '  it 

was  {  S?^  ,.  they  continued,  turning  to 

address  each  other. 

A  voice  floated  out  from  the  scorer's 
box.  "  Did  Mr.  Eobert  'it  that,  or 
was  it  Mr.  Eichard  ?  "  There  was  a 
patient  weariness  in  the  voice,  as  if 
the  question  had  become  a  formula  to 
the  speaker. 

When  the  matter  had  been  satis- 
factorily settled,  Mrs.  Parry  turned  to 
the  New  Member. 

"Don't  you  find  it  very  hard  to 
distinguish  Dick  and  Bob?"  she  asked. 

"  I  suppose  it  is  rather,"  replied  the 
New  Member.  "But  I'm  surprised 
that  the  scorer  can't.  After  all,  most 
batsmen  are  fairly  undistinguishable 
when  they  're  at  the  wickets.  Isn't  it 
the  scorer's  business  to  keep  count  as 
to  who  is  at  which  end  ?  " 

"  You  are  fresh  from  your  bloodish 
Metropolitan  club,  my  lad,"  said  Henry 
— Mrs.  Parry's  husband.  "  You  don't 
know  our  scorers  yet.  Wait  till 
you  've  striven  half  the  season  to 
make  double  figures,  and  then,  on  re- 
tiring to  the  pavilion  filled  with  holy 
joy  because  you  've  got  11  to  your  credit, 
find  it  telegraphed  as  9.  Wait  till  half 
the  county  writes  to  congratulate  you 
on  a  pair  of  specs,  having  seen  the  score 
in  the  local  rag,  when  really  you  got  a 
duck  and  I." 

"  Why  doesn't  one  of  the  Twins  wear 
something  as  a  distinguishing  mark, 
then?  "  asked  the  New  Member. 

"  Dick  wears  a  cap,"  said  Henry. 
"  But  he  always  gives  it  to  the  umpire  as 
soon  as  he  goes  in,"  he  added  foolishly. 

"  And  the  same  with  intent  to 
deceive,"  chipped  in  Peters,  "  because 
Bob  always  makes  more  runs  than  he 
does.  Old  George,  our  scorer,  says  to 
the  visiting  scorer,  '  Mr.  Eichard, 
wears  a  cap,  'e  do,'  and  then  he  hauls 
out  a  jar  of  cider  and  proceeds  to  divide 
a  pasty  with  the  alien,  and  in  the  mean- 
while Dick  takes  off  his  cap.  So  the 
next  time  old  George  condescends  to 
notice  what 's  going  on,  he  finds  he 's 
all  mixed  up." 

"  There 's  no  doubt,  of  course,  that 
the  Twins  are  extraordinarily  alike,' 
said  the  New  Member,  "  but  don't  you 
think  Dick  has  a  slightly  more  humor- 
ous turn  of  the  mouth  than  his  brother? 

"I  go    by  the    nose,"   chipped    in 
Henry.     "  There  's  a  bit  of  a  crook  in 


old  Bob's,  thoughtfully  created  by  Dick 
n  a  youthful  fracas  to  serve  as  a  dis- 
iinguishing  mark." 

"  That 's  no  good,"  grumbled  Priddy, 
still  sore  at  having  assigned  the  last 
Boundary  to  the  wrong  twin.  "  If  you 
really  want  to  make  sure,  you  have  to 
seep  a  tomato  in  your  pocket,  and 
produce  it  every  time  you  address  one 
i>f  them.  Dick  hates  tomatoes,  and  if 
t  's  him,  you  '11  see  him  squirm." 

Personally,  I  've  no  difficulty,"  said 
Peters.  "Bob  has  owed  me  half-a-crown 
:or  years  (I  let  the  debt  run  on  for  the 
sake  of  the  convenience),  and  the  guilty 
remembrance  of  it  is  always  with  him. 
He  can't  face  me  without  blinking." 

Not  many  people  can."  (This  from 
Priddy.) 

Ever  since  Bob's  been  married," 
said  Mrs.  Parry,  "  he  's  begun  to  brush 
:iis  hair  a  little.  Not  much,  of  eou»se, 
jut  enough  for  the  scientific  eye  to  dis- 
unguish  him  from  Dick,  whose  hair  is 
virgin  forest,  so  to  speak.  .  .  ." 

Now  who   hit   that  ?  "   asked   the 
New  Member,  and  the  patient  voice 
:rom  the  scorer's  box  was  heard  again : 
Did   Mr.  Eobert  'it  that,   or  was  it 
Mr.  Eichard?" 

*    course'"   said    Mr.   and 

Mrs.  Parry. 

"  It's  so  absurd,"  said  Mrs.  Parry  a 
moment  later.  "At  all  this  distance. . ." 
"  They've  only  got  the  Twins'  word 
for  it  too,"  put  in  Peters  gallantly. 
"I'm  surprised,"  he  continued,  "that 
old  George  troubles  to  ask  who  made 
the  hit.  If  it  was  any  other  pair,  he  'd 
just  put  it  down  to  the  one  he'd  got 
the  least  grievance  against  at  the  time." 

"  But  he  always  tries  to  act  fairly  by 
the  Twins,"  said  Henry.  You  see,  he 
dandled  them  on  his  knee — knees,  I 
should  say — when  they  were  babes." 

"  The  only  time  you  can  act  fairly  by 
them  is  when  they're  fielding,"remarked 
Priddy.  "  Dick  envelopes  himself  in 
pads  and  gloves,  and  keeps  wicket, 
purely  in  order  to  be  recognised — at 
least,  no  one  ever  discovered  any  other 
reason  for  his  being  behind  the  sticks. 
And  everything  he  misses  goes  to  the 
boundary,  unless  (as  occasionally  hap- 
pens) it  is  prevented  by  the  strenuous 
efforts  of  Bob  at  courtesy  fine-slip — 
that  position  which  a  less  squeamish 
and  more  honest  generation  was  wont 
to  call  long-stop." 

"  Hush,"  said  Henry  on  a  low  note 
"Here's  Mrs.  Bob."  Then  aloud — 
"  How  awfully  well  Bob  did  againsl 
Westmoreland  last  week  !  Eighty- 
seven  in  his  second  knock,  wasn't  it  ?' 

Mrs.  Bob  bubbled  over. 

"It  wasn't  Bob,"  she  said;  "it  was 
Dick.  Bob  had  a  cold,  so  I  made  Dick 
go  in  his  name.  It  was  really  to  the 


jounty's  advantage,  you  know,  because 
ihe  Westmoreland  bowlers  played  up 
io  all  Bob's  weak  points — which  aren't 
Dick's." 

We  "  heard  the  silence  for  a  little 
space." 

"Why  do  they  both  wear  silk  shirts?" 
asked  Mrs.  Parry.  "  If  only  one  of 
hem  did " 

"That's  Dick's  fault,"  interrupted 
VIrs.  Bob.  "I  gave  Bob  half-a-dozen 
on  his  last  birthday,  but  Dick  thieves 
hem  with  the  utmost  serenity.  .  .  Oh, 
Bob's  out!  That  ball  was  much  too 
'ar  up  to  hook." 

"  You're  sure  it  is  Bob,  I  suppose?" 
said  Mrs.  Parry ;  and  the  voice  from 
,he  scoring  box  inquired,  "  Was  that 
Mr.  Eobert  wot  was  out?  " 

"  Of  course  it 's  Bob,"  said  Mrs.  Bob. 
Why,  he's  got  a  better  figure,  and  is 
so  much  handsomer  than  poor  old 
Dick.  Hard  lines,  dear,"  she  observed 
the  advancing  figure.  "  Dick 's 
naving  all  the  luck." 

The  advancing  figure  grinned,  and 
ihere  was  no  need  of  Priddy's  tomato 
or  Peters'  half-crown  to  tell  us  that 
Mrs.  Bob  had  made  a  howler. 

"All  right,"  said  he.  "Tell  old 
George  that  Bob's  out.  It'll  improve 
my  average.  ..." 

"  Of  course,  at  such  a  distance — and 
in  flannels,"  said  Mrs.  Bob. 


PEESONAL. 

FAIR  LADY. — Lst  Sndy  eve.  King's  X. 
Seem  to  rmembr  yr  face.  Are  you  dark 
Idy  I  met  Scrbro  1st  summr?  If  so 
dont  trbl  rply. — GREY  SUIT. 

WILLIAM  MAYFAIR,  last  heard  of  in 
Montreal  about  1877.  If  the  said 
William  Mayfair  will  apply  to  the 
offices  of  Messrs.  Macgregor  and 
Levinstein,  974,  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields, 
he  will  hear  of  something  to  their 
advantage. 

A.A.Z. — Oh,  why  don't  you  write? 
Is  it  because  I  still  owe  you  three 
pounds  ten  ?  Need  this  stand  between 
us?— B.X.Y. 

ALEC. — It  is  more  than  you  deserve 
that  I  should  reply  to  the  message  you 
send  after  nine  years  of  silence.  I  have 
forgotten  what  you  did,  but  I  cannot 
forgive  it. — AMELIA. 

CHANGE  OP  SURNAME. — I,  Vavasour- 
Smythe-Smythe,  of  High  Manners,  in 
the  County  of  Eutland,  Gentleman,  do 
hereby  give  notice  that  by  a  Deed  Poll 
bearing  even  date  herewith,  I  have 
assumed  and  adopted  the  name  of 
Bill  Smith  instead  of  Vavasour  Smythe- 
Smythe,  in  accordance  with  the  stipu- 
lation in  the  will  of  my  uncle,  Bill 
Smith  (deceased),  of  Barking,  in  the 
County  of  Essex.  Dated  this  14th  day 
of  August,  1911. 


AUGUST  ie.  1911.]  PUNCH.  .OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


ABOUT  THE  LONG  HOLE. 
STKAIGHT  in  front  of  him,  and  as  far 
as  his  eye  can  reach,  the  traveller  who 
stands  on  the  teeinij-ground  of  our 
tenth  hole,  observes  the  illimitable 
undulating  scenery  of  the  veldt.  Per- 
haps a  solitary  vulture  wheels  over- 
head in  the  heavens,  and  along  the 
central  track  may  he  discerned  a  few 
bleaching  bones  of  caddies  and  the 
broken  shafts  and  skulls  of  drivers 
and  brassies.  Far  away  to  the  left  is 
a  strip  of  woodland,  and  beyond  that 
the  sluggish  inexorable  river.  What 
secrets  it  bears  in  its  massive  bosom  or 
in  the  murky  ooze  of  its  heart !  A  bad 
pull  (to  be  more  explicit)  will  take  you 
nicely  over  the  edge,  and  many  a  stout 
golfer  has  gone  home  at  evenfall  with 
an  empty  creel  owing  to  his  rash 
refusal  to  carry  a  landing  net  and  play 
with  amphibious  balls.  To  the  right- 
hand  may  be  seen  a  series  of  wicked- 
mouthed  bunkers,  each  with  its  little 
colony  of  human  toil.  Bogey  for  the 
long  hole  is  six,  and  it  is  believed  to 
have  been  done  in  four.  There  is  no 
doubt  at  all  that  it  has  been  done  in 
twenty-five,  but  then  that  was  the  day 
when  I  hit  the  ladies'  sand-box  with 
my  drive,  und  (after  my  caddy  had  re- 
placed the  divot  with  a  couple  of  tin- 
tacks  and  some  glue)  had  to  play  my 
second  (with  a  mashie)  from  twenty 
yards  behind  the  tee.  Now  you  shall 
hear  about  the  time  when  I  did  the  long 
hole  in  five.  I  started  with  a  magnifi- 
cent shot,  though  I  say  it  who 
shouldn't  (as  a  matter  of  fact  it  is 
very  difficult  to  get  James  to  talk 
about  this  round  at  all,  and  when  he 
does  he  uses  language  which  would 
make  you  suppose  he  was  colour-blind) 
—but  my  second  seemed  to  think  there 
was  danger  afoot,  and  ran  into  the 
wood  for  cover.  The  wood  is  not  out 
of  bounds,  so  I  waved  farewell  to  James 
and  followed.  My  third  started  shinning 
very  swiftly  up  the  trunk  of  a  tree,  and 
then  remembering,  I  suppose,  that  the 
birds  were  all  hatched  out  and  that  it 
would  look  rather  silly  to  be  seen  in 
a  nest  at  this  time  of  year,  leaped 
violently  out  of  the  wood  and  across 
the  course.  It  was  foolish  of  the  small 
stout  man  whom  it  hit,  and  who 
appeared  to  have  lost  his  way  badly 
in  approaching  the  seventeenth  green, 
to  get  annoyed :  the  grievance  was 
really  mine,  for  he  had  no  business  to 
be  making  unauthorised  pot-bunkers  of 
himself  all  over  the  links.  However,  as 
my  ball  fell  in  a  very  .nice  place,  I  didn't 
tiauch  mind,  and  playing  a  beautiful 
•fourth  got  to  within  about  a  hundred- 
and-twenty  yards  of  the  green.  1  heard 
a  faint  "-Cpo-ee  "  up  in  the  hills  far  away. 
to  the  right,  and  shouted  "Hello!  " 


A    GRATEFUL    IMPULSE. 


"A  PENNY  STAMP,    PLEASE-AND,    BY-THE-VAY,    HAVEN'T  I  SEEN   YOU 

"YES,  MADAM.     I  HAD  THE  GOOD  FOIITONE  TO  SAVE  YO»K  LIKE  LA«T  WEEK." 

"TO   BE  SURE— TO   BE  817KE— £11— TWO   PENNY  STAMPS,    P1.EAHE." 


"  On  in  five,"  yelled  James. 

"  Good  for  you,"  I  answered,  and 
took  my  iron.  (I  always  like  taking 
my  iron ;  it  has  such  a  bracing  effect 
on  the  nerves.)  It  was  plain  from 
the  beginning  that  my  fifth  stroke  was 
a  good  one,  though  just  a  trifle  off  the 
line  of  the  pin.  James  and  his  caddy 
arriving  travel-stained  and  warm  from 
the  north-east  watched  it  eagerly  as  it 
fell  and  bounded  on  towards  the  green. 
James's  ball  lay  about  five  yards  to  the 
right  of  the  flag,  in  a  sunny  spot  to  the 
south-east,  and  as  soon  as  mine  saw 
this  a  brilliant  idea  catne  into  its  head. 
Eunning  lightly  up  to  its  adversary  it 
gave  the  fellow  a  smart  biff  on  the  side 
of  the  face,  and  dodging  away  nimbly 


before  be  could  retaliate,  made  straight 
for  the  hole.  Pausing  for  a  moment 
at  the  edge  to  see  if  it  was  pursued,  it 
ran  round  the  brink  of  the  tin  and  fell 
in  with  a  little  sigh  of  relief.  "  Five ! " 
I  said  calmly,  but  James  did  not  appear 
to  be  listening.  He  was  looking  up 
the  sky  and  seemed  vexed  about  some- 
thing. 

"An  ordinary  half -ball  losing 
hazard,"  I  went  on.  "I  was  alraid  I 
had  hit  it  too  fine  at  first  and  thrown 
away  the  hple."  But  James  had 
walked  on  in  silence  to  the  next  tee. 

"Wanted,  a  strong  persevering  Munshi  to 
teach  Telugu."— Madras  Time*. 

No  weak  man  need  apply. 


114 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON^  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  1(5,  1911. 


HOW  TO  DEAL  WITH  THE   INCOME-TAX 
AUTHORITIES. 

B.— THE  EIGHT  WAY. 

(1) 

Honeysuckle  Cottage, 
Oakthorpe,  Bucks,- 
April  5th,  1911. 

To  W.  P.  Smith,  Esq., 

])eputy:Assistant  Surveyor  of  Taxes, 
Inland  Revenue 
'  (City  54th  A  District), 

Room  92,  Fifth  Floor, 
Budget  Buildings, 
13-16,  Stamp  Street, 
London,  E.G. 

MY  DEAR  SIB, — I  am  not  quite  clear 
about  one  or  two  points  in  the  income- 
tax  demand  received  from  you  this 
morning,  and  1  thought  I  would  just 
have  a  little  chat  with  you  about  it 
before  sending  my  small  contribution. 
Of  course,  I  know  you  wouldn't  make 
me  pay  more  than  I  ought,  but  per- 
haps I  didn't  fill  in  that  yellow  paper 
quite  properly,  and  I  want  to  explain 
to  you.  You  see  £18  2s.  M.  is  a  lot 
for  a  fellow  like  me  to  find  all  in  one 
lump.  Sometimes  I  make  a  good  deal, 
when  the  magazines  take  my  stories, 
and  sometimes  I  *m  precious  hard  up. 
I  am  hard  up  now,  and  if  I  have  to 
pay  you  £18  2s.  'M.,  well,  it  simply 
means  that  I  can't  pay  Bull  .  the 
butcher,  and  he 's  pressing  me,  and 
I  promised  to.  I  daresay  you  're  a 
family  man  yourself  and  understand 
these  little  matters. 

Well,  it 's  like  this.  Bobby  Burt,  an 
old  Cambridge  pal,  lent  me  a  tenner 
just  before  Christmas,  and  I  paid  him 
back  when  I  got  a  bit  for  my  novel, 
Kisses  Kind,  on  Feb.  7th.  (I  'm  send- 
ing you  a  copy  of  the  book,  and  hope 
you  will  enjoy  it.)  Now,  I  put  that  in, 
as  I  keep  very  careful  accounts,  and  it 
came  on  the  left  side  of  the  book 
where  I  get  the  totals  from.  But  you 
won't  charge  me  on  it,  will  you? 
Bobby  ought  to  pay,  if  anybody,  and  I 
daresay  he  has.  You  don't  want  it 
twice,  do  you  ? 

Then  there  is  my  wife's  little  income. 
Well,  she 's  very  good  about  it,  and 
often  lends  a  hand  when  things  are  a 
bit  tight ;  but  a  hundred  pounds  a 
year  from  an  uncle  isn't  much,  is 
it?  and  it  does  seem  rather  hard 
to  knock  spots  out  of  that,  when 
it 's  all  she 's  got  to  dress  herself 
and  the  two  youngsters  on,  and  pay  a 
nurse ;  because  that 's  what  she  does 
with  it,  and  nobody  could  make  it  go 
further  than  she  does.  I  put  it  in 
because  the  form  told  me  to,  and  I 
didn't  want  to  be  fined  and  pay 
double  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  But 


you  see  it  comes  from  an  investment 
in  Mexican  Jumbo  Tintos,  and  they 
take  off  something  before  she  gets  it, 
which  I  believe  goes  to  you  (you  can 
look  it  up),  and  if  you  could  do  without 
it,  well  I  should  really  be  awfully 
grateful.  You  see  I  've  got  to  have  a 
bigger  house  than  I  should  want  if  I 
didn't  simply  have  to  have  a  room  to 
myself  to  write  in,  because,  although 
the  youngsters  are  kept  as  quiet  as 
possible,  still  they  are  very  tiny  and 
the  baby 's  only  five  weeks  old,  and 
I  couldn't  do  any  work  if  I  had  to 
write  where  they  were. 

I  don't  want  to  take  up  too  much 
of  your  time,  letter-writing.  I  expect 
you  have  enough  of  it.  If  you  would 
care  to  run  down  for  a  week  end  to 
talk  it  over,  we  should  be  awfully 
pleased  to  see  you.  There  's  a  decent 
golf  course  here,  and  I  've  got  a  few 
bottles  of  "  Bubbly  "  that  a  rich  uncle 
of  my  wife's — not  the  one  that  left 
her  the  Jumbo  Tintos — he 's  dead — 
sent  us  at  Christmas.  We  might  buzz 
one  or  two  together  ;  and  I  'm  sure  we 
could  give  you  a  good  time. 

I  'm  sure  you  will  do  what  you  can 
for  me,  like  a  good  chap.  I  'm  ready 
to  pay  my  whack  all  right,  but  I  don't 
want  to  pay  more  than  I  can  help,  and 
if  you  could  spin  out  the  correspondence 
a  bit,  so  as  to  let  me  off  paying  till  I  get 
a  few  more  royalties  at  the  end  of  June, 
I  shouW  feel  jolly  grateful  to  you. 
Ydlrs  ever,  T.  C.  ROBINSON. 

\  (2) 

Honeysuckle  Cottage,  etc., 

April  12th,  1911. 
To  Mr.  W.  P.  Smith,  etc.,  etc. 

DEAR  MB.  SMITH, — Thanks  awfully 
for  your  kind  letter,  and  for  knocking 


off  Bobby  Burt's  tenner,  and  the 
missus's  hundred.  That  brings  it 
down  to  £13  19s.  8^.,  which  is  ripping, 
and  really  I  'm  most  awfully  grateful 
to  you  for  telling  me  that  I  can  take  off 
something  more  for  my  study.  I  pay 
£45  a  year  for  this  little  box,  which 
isn't  really  worth  it,  but,  as  I  say,  I 
had  to  have  a  room,  and  that 's  why 
we  moved  from  Laburnum  Cottage, 
where  we  only  paid  £28.  Do  you  really 
mean  I  can  take  off  the  difference? 
That  would  make  it  £13  6s.  Wd.  I 
don't  quite  understand  what  you  menu 
about  averaging,  but  it 's  awkilly  good 
of  you  to  help  me.  I  went  in  for  the 
Classical  Tripos  at  Cambridge — only 
allowed  a  pass  degree,  worse  luck — 
but  I  was  never  much  good  at  mathe- 
matics, and  I  don't  think  I  got  up  to 
averages.  I  give  you  the  figures  that 
you  ask  for  on  the  other  side.  Ol 
course,  I  'm  making  more  every  year, 
but  it 's  slow  work.  Still,  there  are 
signs  that  Kisses  Kind  is  going  to 


make  a  hit,  and  if  it  does  well,  I  shall! 

be  sending  you  a  bit  more  next  year. 

If  you  can  get  it  down  further  still  this 

year,  which  has  been  rather  a  teaser, 

owing   to   the   baby   coming   and   the 

other   kiddy   having  mumps,  and  our 

having  to  pay  off  instalments  of  a  loan 

I  had  to  raise  three  years  ago,  I  needn't 

say  that  I  shall  he  jolly  glad.     But  I 

know  I  can  safely  leave  myself  in  your 

hands,    as   you  've   shown   yourself    a 

thorough  sportsman.      By-the-by,  are 

you  any  relation  to  W.  M.  Smith,  who 

icwled  for  the 'Varsity  while  I  was  up? 

Fie  was  a  jolly  good  sportsman  too.     I 

;hought  the  name  and  one  of  the  initials 

)eing  the  same  you  might  be.     I  wish 

you  could  have  come  down,  hut  perhaps 

you'll  be  able  to  later  on. 

I  must  dry  up  and  go  and  put  in  a 
oit  of  work.     So,  with  many  thanks, 
Yours  ever,         T.  C.  ROBINSON. 

(3) 

Honeysuckle  Cottage,  etc., 

April  nth,  1911. 
To  W.  P.  Smith,  Esq.,  etc.,  etc.. 

DEAR  OLD  CHAP. — What  a  ripper  you 
are  !  I  quite  catch  the  point  about 
the  averaging  now,  and  it  rs  top  hole 
and  what  I  never  expected,  to  get  i 
another  fiver  taken,  off.  That  only  i 
leaves  £8  6s.  Wd.  I  say,  we  are  getting 
it  down,  aren't  we  ?  I  send  you  the 
particulars  about  the  loan  and  the 
papers  you  asked  for.  Do  you  think 
you  can  get  a  bit  off  for  that,  too  ?  Do 
try.  And  don't  I  get  something  off 
for  bringing  the  whole  outfit  down 
below  a  certain  figure  '  I  don't  know 
what  it  conies  to  now,  but  you  've  got 
such  a  head  for  figures  that  I  bet  you 
do,  without  having  to  put  pen  to 
paper.  I  wish  I  'd  made  better  use  of 
my  time  when  they  were  trying  to 
teach  me  things.  Of  course  I  can 
scribble  a  bit,  and  you  '11  be  glad  to 
hear  that  Kisses  Kind  has  gone  into 


I  shouldn't  keep 
It   wants   a   few 


a  third  edition,  but 
your  job  for  long, 
brains  for  that  sort  of  thing.  I  say, 
we  must  meet  some  time  or  other.  I 
feel  as  if  I  'd  known  you  for  years. 
Now  do  fix  a  week-end  and  come  and 
have  a  smile  and  a  dash  round  the 
links.  I  shall  never  forgive  you  if  you 
don't.  Yours  affectionately, 

T.  C.  ROBINSON. 

(4) 
Honeysuckle  Cottage,  etc., 

April  25tli,  1911. 
To  W.  P.  Smith,  Esq.,  etc.,  etc. 

MY  DEAR  OLD  PAL, — Upon  my  word 
you  are  the  limit!  Got  me  oft'  the 
whole  lot  this  year,  and  tell;  me.  how- 
to  claim  £3  4s.  6d.  for  last !  I  wouldn't 
have  believed  mathematics  could  have 
done  it.  You  must  have  the  head  of 


GROUSE    SHOOTING    UP-TO-DATE. 

(A  Suggestion  fur  Financiers.) 

Wireless  Operator.  "HEAD  BEATER  HETOKTS  PACK  OF  GROUSE  IN  THE  BAY;  SHOULD  ARRIVE  IN  ABOUT  TWO  MINUTES." 
Capel  Court  Magnate.  "WELL,  SEND  THAT  MESSAGE  ABOUT  AMALGAMATED  ICE,  AND  THEN  GIVE  ME  MY  GUN." 


an  ISAAC  NEWTON.  Well,  old  boy,  I  am 
grateful  to  you.  I  '11  tell  you  what — 
when  I  get,  that  £6  4s.  Qd.  from  Mr. 
LLOYD  GEORGE,  or  whoever  it  is,  I  '11  run 
up  to  town  for  a  night,  and  you  and  I 
will  blue  it  over  a  little  dinner  and  a 
play.  What  do  you  say  to  that? 
Name  the  day  and  you  '11  find  me  on 
the  spot.  And  then  if  I  don't  make 
you  come  and  put  up  here  for  a  week- 
end before  long — well,  we  shall  see. 
Anyhow,  I  feel  I  've  made  a  friend 
for  life.  And  there's  one  thing  I  do 
want  you  to  do,  and  that 's  to  be 
godfather  to  my  little  chap;  and -the 
missus  wants  it;  too.  Now  don't  say 
no.  If  they  won't  let  you  off  now,  do 
it  by  proxy  and  come  down  and  see 
us  later. 

Good-bye,  dear  old  boy, 
Yours  ever  gratefully  and  affectionately, 
T.  C.  EOBINSON. 


"LiKcy's  record  is  as  blameless  as  a  wicket- 
« •< JUT'S  possibly  can  be." — fijwrtsman. 

The  HUe'y-white  flower  of  a  blameless 
life,  in  fact. 


A  BULLY  PROPOSITION. 

[According    to    a    recent    dictum    of    Dr. 
KENDALL,  of  Chattel-house,  "  bullying  has  been 
replaced  hi  public  schools  by  a  tendency  to 
effeminacy,  which  is  almost  worse. "] 
TELL  us  not  in  tones  that  quaver 

That  the  bully  is  extinct, 
That  no  more  the  Prefects  favour 

Cults  at  which  their  fathers  winked  ! 
Surely,  then,  they  cannot  fully 

Eealise  what  vim  and  tone 
Eadiated  from  a  bully 

On  the  weakling  and  the  drone  ! 
Where  is  all  the  grit  we  boasted 

In  the  days  of  bold  Tom  Brown  ? 
Are  our  sons  no  longer  roasted, 

Held,  discreetly,  upside  down  ? 
Know  they  not  the  queer  sensations 

Born  of  being  briskly  "  tossed  "  ? 
Then  our  place  among  the  nations 

Is  inevitably  lost ! 
Up,  High  Priests  of  Education ! 

Up,  ye  zealous  pedagogues ! 
Shall  complete  emasculation 

Send  your  country  to  the  dogs  ? 
Since  the  grand  old  strain  of  Brute  i?  - 

Moribund  in  youthful  hearts, 


Make  it  first  of  all  your  duties 

To  revive  the  bully's  arts  ! 
Lest  you  see  Young  England  pampered 

Up  to  its  unblackened  eyes — 
Even  as  its  health  is  "  hampered  " 

By  excessive  food  supplies. 
Remedies  however  drastic 

Must  be  found  the  case  to  meet ; 
And  they  lie  in  your  scholastic 

Hands — and,  when  it's  needful,  feet! 
Come,  bestow  the  frequent  licking ! 

Not  with  futile  birch  or  cane, 
But,  with  fisticuffs  and  kicking, 

Be  superbly  inhumane ! 
Academic  methods  scorning, 

Follow  those  of  MACE  and  SAVERS  : 
Punch  a  dozen  heads  each  morning 

Regularly  after  Pwyers  1 
When  your  charges'  scalps  are  tender, 

Crowned  with   many  a  wholesome 

bump, 
And  their  supple  limbs  you  render 

Piebald  with  a  cricket  stump, 
Then  their  souls  shall  gain  in  merit 

Through  the  pluck  that  pain  inspires 
Till  our  hardened  cubs  inherit 

All  the  glory  of  their  sires ! 


rUNCIi,   Oil   THE   LONDON   C11AHJVA.KI 


[AUGUST  16,  1911. 


COLD  COMFORT. 

Nervous  Angler  (near  fort  practising  at  target).  "I— I  SAY!  THIS  is  AWFULLY  DANGEROUS!" 
Old  Salt.  "On,  IT'S  .ALL  KIGHT,  SIR.   .THERE 'D  BE  AN  AWFUL  now  IF -THEY  SUNK  us." 


THE   ABDICATION. 

AH,  no  1     I  do  not  tremble  as  I  did 

Before  the  keeper  of  the  Petrol  Tank ; 
The  haughty  optic  and  the  drooping  lid, 
The  air  of  having  billions  at  the  bank — 
These  things  affright  ine  not ;  a  sun 
Has  risen  above  the  reigning  one; 
Another  king  we  now  anoint ; 
Who  puts  the  noses  out  of  joint 
Of  such  as  Perkins.     (Penalty  for  swank.) 

How  of '.en  have  I  sat  beside  his  wheel, 

And  sought  to  gain  his  pity  at  the  least, 
As  the  long  dusty  miles  were  laid  to  heel, 

And  hedge  and  wood  went  by,  and  startled  beast ; 
Have  praised  his  prowess  and  his  skill, 
And  asked  about  his  latest  kill, 
And  where  he  hung  his  hoarded  scalps, 
And  on  what  speed  he  'd  slimbed  the  Alps, 
And  felt  with  every  word  his  scorn  increased. 

And,  if  at  moments  out  of  ruth  he  stirred 
To  tell  me  little  tales  of  sparking  plugs 
And  centre-bits  (no,  that  is  not  the  word 
But  *3mething  like  it), — as  belated  slugs, 
Uncrushed  by  travellers,  upturn 
Their  eyes  towards  the  heavens,  and  yearn 
To  kiss  the  boot  that  spared  them,  so 
I  felt  within  my  heart  the  glow 
Of  gratitude,  more  warm  than  many  rugs. 


But  that  wa?  all  too  seldom.     Mostly  blind 

To  mere  humanity  whose  mental  plant 
Was  geared  so  slackly,  he  was  wont  to  wind 
His  Gallic  horn,  and  up  the  highway  slant 
Speed  on,  inscrutable,  unreined, 
Although  his  mistress  oft  complained 
That  some  day  he  would  soe  us  dead 
(I  do  not  think  that  I  have  said 
That  Perkins  is  the  chauffeur  of  my  aunt). 

But  now  I  have  him.     I  have  learned  the  dodge 

To  melt  the  icy  manners  of  our  Jove ; 
An  airman  passed  us  just  outside  the  lodge 
That  guards  the  gateway  of  Laburnum  Grove. 
I  saw  at  once  the  salient  fact 
That,  since  the  day  when  birds  were  whacked, 
Unknown  to  us,  unguessed,  a  qualm 
Had  shaken  that  Olympian  calm; 
Perkins  no  longer  was  a  super-cove. 

He  trembled,  and  his  brow  was  overcast ; 

He  paled  beneath  his  tan,  he  grew  poli te ; 
I  saw  at  once  his  empery  was  past ; 

Since  then  one  only  has  to  speak  of  flight 
If  Perkins  seems  a  trifle  rude, 
And  what  a  change  of  attitude! 
One  hint  of  BEAUMONT  and  VEDKINES 
O'errides  his  majesty  of  mien. 
Great  Lucifer  has  fallen.     Serve  him  right  1 

EVOE. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-AuousT  16.  1911. 


THE   CHAMPION   OF  A  LOST  CAUSE. 

THE-PEER-THAT-MIGHT-HAVE-BEEN.  "SPEAKING  FOR  MYSELF  AND  THE   OTHEB  499,  HEAVEN 
BLESS    YOU,    I    SAY,    FOR    YOUR    GALLANT    EFFORT    ON    OUR   BEHALF." 


AUGUST  16,  1911. j 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


11!) 


little 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(KxTIIAi'TED  KIIOM  TI1K  DlAUY  OK  ToilY,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  Itil 
August. — KLi.18  GKIKFITH,  too 
heard  in  debate,  has  to-day 
established  reputation  for 
shrewd,  witty  speech  that  will 
long  he  cherished.  House 
brought  together  on  Bank 
Holiday  on  dolorous  errand. 
Some  of  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S 
faithless  followers,  among  them 
one  or  two  directly  indebted 
to  his  generous  patronage  for 
tlv.'ir  prominence  in  affairs, 
have  turned  and  rent  him. 
Impatient  of  Actaeon  in  his 
capacity  of  the  hunter,  they 
would  transform  him  into  the 
stag.  Distraught  by  personal 
abuse  in  public  speech  and  in 
section  of  Party  Press,  be  has 
been  driven  to  adoption  of 
grievous  error  in  tactics.  The 
malcontents  who  havo  egged 
on  HALSBURY  to  assume  posi- 
tion of  saver  of  his  country 
shout  from  the  house-top  their 
intention  in  due  time  to  come 
down  (by  the  lift)  and  at  least 
muddy  their  coats  in  the  last 
ditch  in  resistance  to  the  Veto 
Bill. 

This  sort  of  heroics  always 
taking.  Seems  to  imply  that, 
though  the  commissioned 


\ 


Leaders  of  the  party  are  poltroons, 
there  are  still  left  a  deathless  body 
of  heroes  who  are  not  to  be  de- 
terred from  striking  a  last  blow  in 
defence  of  a  hapless  State  by  prospect 
of  soiling  their  garments  in  manner 
ir.dicated  by  noble  Lord  quoted  by 
LAXSDOWNE.  PRINCE  ARTHUR  and 
LANSDOWXK,  finding  themselves  thus 
out-shouted,  resolved  to  have  a  little 
game  of  their  own.  Gave  notice  ol 
vote  of  censure  to  be  moved  in  both 
Houses.  Fo  here  we  are  to-day,  when 
we  might  have  been  healthfully  engaged 
riding  donkeys  on  Hampstead  Heath 
or  rolling  down  the  grassy  slopes  of 
Greenwich  Hill. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR,  having  delivered  his 
attack,  had  satisfaction  of  seeing  PRIME 
MIN?STER  greeted  with  ovation  by  his 
followers  when  he  arose  to  "  tender  to 
the  Eight  Honourable  Gentlemen  on 
behalf  of  His  MAJESTY'S  Government, 
and  of  Chose  who  support  them,  out- 
most grateful  acknowledgment  for  this 
opportune  though  unexpected  motion." 

Nothing  bores  the  House  more  than  a 
sham  fight.  Members  listened  intently 
to  the  PREMIER,  who,  with  skil  of  Old 
Parliamentary  Hand,  made  the  most 
of  opportunity  of  detailing  and  vindi- 
cating action  of  Cabinet  in  its  com- 


munications with  the  SovKitKHiN.  |  retired.  Filled  up  as  news  went  round 
After  that  there  descended  dulness  t  that  Member  for  Anglesey  was  "  up  " 
not  to  be  lightened  by  F.  E.  SMITH'H  |  and  in  his  best  form.  Soon  there  was 
fireworks.  Thus  it  came  to  pass  that '  a  crowded  audience  seizing  with  delight 
when  ELLIS  GRIFFITH  interposed  the '  the  points  flashed  forth  with  effect  j 

.     heightened  by  almost  funereal 
aspect  of  the  commentator. 

Nothing  nearer  the  "  gay 
wisdom"  of  WILFRID  LAWSON 
in  his  prime  has  been  heard 
in  House  since  there  was  a 
vacancy  in  represc-ntation  of 
Cockermouth.  Even  better 
than  the  best  from  the  original 
mint,  since  it  was  free  from 
those  obvious  evidences  of 
preparation  that  occasionally 
marred  effect  of  WILFRID 
LAWSON'B  jocundity. 

Business  done.  —  Vote  of 
Censure  negatived  by  365 
votes  against  246. 

Tuesday.  —  "  What  I  like 
about  COUSIN  HUGH,"  said  the 
Member  for  Bark,  "  is  his 
aggressive  courage.  Had  he 
been  born  in  the  spacious 
Tudor  times  his  great  ancestor 
partly  bestrode  he  would,  in 
corresponding  circumstances, 
certainly  have  been  burned  at 
the  stake.  Not  yet  knowing 
ABQUITH,  he  would  have  sug- 
gested, had  he  lived  under 
QUEEN  MARY,  that  HER 
MAJESTY  '  should  be  punished 
by  the  criminal  law ; '  or, 
to  the  front  in  ELIZABETH'S 


"SHREWD,   WITTY   SPEECH." 

"  Heightened  by  the  almost  funereal  aspast  of  the  commentator. 
(Mr.  Ki.us  GKIFFITII.) 


benches  were  nearly  empty,  ALFRED 
LYTTELTON  being  sole  occupant  of  that 
whence  PRINCE  ARTHUR  had  dejectedly 


coming 


reign, 


Had  he  bean  born  in   the  sjiacions  Tudor 
he  would  certainly  have  been  burned 


at  the  stake." 


[Indeed,  his  normal  attitude  in  the  House 
is  strangely  surest ive  of  that  objectionable 
operation.]  (Lord  Hn:ii  CB-II..) 


his  (esthetic  taste  offended,  he 
would  have  found  a  short  cut  to 
Smithfield  by  ridiculing  WALTER 
RALEIGH'S  feigned  worship  of  HER 
MAJESTY'S  personal  charmp. 

"  Made  fatal  mistake  a  fortnight  ago 
by  rowdyism  which  prevented  PRIMK 
MINISTER  from  delivering  important 
statement  at  grave  constitutional  crisis 
After  that,  and  in  view  of  universal 
condemnation  on  grounds  of  good  taste 
and  manners,  an  ordinary  man  would 
have  withdrawn  himself  to  Southend- 
on-Sea,  or  other  convenient  locality, 
and  buried  himself  in  the  sands  till  the 
storm  blew  over.  That  not  COUSIN 
HUGH'S  way.  Old  question  turning  up 
again  in  form  of  Resolution  to  disagree 
with  Lords'  Amendments  to  Veto  Bill, 
hero  be  is  boldly  coming  to  the  front 
with  motion  to  adjourn  debate  for 
three  months.  Nor  was  this  all.  So 
far  from  shirking  the  shouting-down 
match,  ho  took  occasion  blandly  to 
remark  that  he  'looked  back  to  the 
event  of  fourteen  days  ago  with 
satisfaction.' " 

The  House,  which  admires  courage, 
gave  COUSIN  HUGH  a  moderately  quiet 
hearing.  His  speech  scornful,  occa- 
sionally truculent,  was  addressed 


120 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  16,  1911. 


directly  to  Labour  Members  seated 
below  Gangway  opposite.  Accidental 
juxtaposition  lent  peculiar  interest  to 
episode.  It  was  the  old,  everlasti' g 
fight  betveen  the  Classes  and  the 
Masses.  COUSIN  HUG-H,  aristocrat  to 
his  nervous  finger-tips,  faced  undis- 
mayed the  representatives  of  Labour 
growling  contradiction.  Both  really 
enjoyed  situation.  Labour  Members, 
pleased  by  marked  attention  bestowed 
upon  them,  delighted  in  opportunity  of 
addressing  Member  for  Oxford  Univer- 
sity as  "CECIL  "  tout  court,  just  as  in 
the  day  of  his  trial  in  the  revolutionary 
court  Louis  XVI.  heard  him-  , 
self  denounced  as  "  CAPET." 

Now  and  then  good- 
humoured  •  cha?  merged  in 
angry  remonstrance,  as  when 
COUSIN.  HWJH  expressed,  what 
the  SPEAKER  recognised  as 
"  a  pious  opinion,"  that  the 
PREMIER  had  been  guilty  of 
high  treason.  When  the  storm 
rose  and  raged  he  dropped 
into  his  favourite  attitude. 
Passing  his  left  arm  behind 
his  back  he  clutched  his  right 
just  above  the  elbow,  and 
crossing  one  leg,  -waited  till 
the  storm  died  away.  Then 
he  went  on  from  the  point  at 
which  he  had  left  dff. 

Business  rfone.— With  im- 
material modification  Com- 
mons disagree  -with  Lords' 
Amendments  to  Veto  Bill. 

House  of  Lords,"  Wednesday. 
— Hottest  day  for  seventy 
years.  Thermometer  marks 
97  in  the  shade,  131  in  the 
sun,  181  in  the  House  of 
Lords.  At  last,  after  long 
desultory  fight,  Lords  and 
Commons  come  to  grips.  Com- 
mons have  disagreed  with 
Lords'  Amendments  to  Veto 
Bill.  MORLEY  OF  B.  moved 


familiar  martial  tread.  As  he  marched  !  end.  Question  has  been  submitted  to 
to  his  place  this  afternoon  there  was  j  arbitration  of  the  vote.  "  The  captains 
subtly  audible  noise  as  of  the  jingle  and  oho  kings  depart."  LANSDOWHE 
of  spurs  or  the  rattle  of  an  invisible  leads  his  host  past  the  division  lobby 
sword  in  an  imperceptible  scabbard.  j  out  of  the  House.  Of  those  remaining, 
Debate,  lasting  through  the  sultry  •  one  stream  passes  by  the  right  of  the 
night,  reached  high  level.  By  attitude  j  Throne  to  support  the  Bill;  another, 
assumed, LANSDOWNE,  not  to  be  behind  :  apparently  equal  in  volume,  crosses 
in  the  prevailing  fashion  of  adopting!  the  bar  with  intent,  as  MILNEK,  who 
military  tactics  and  tags,  recalls  the !  floats  with  it,  would  say,  to  dam  it. 


memorable  military  manosuvre  of  the 
gallant  Duke  of  YOBK  : 

Who  had  ton  thousand  men  ; 
He  marched  them  to  the  top  of  the  hill, 
And  lie  inarched  them  down  agaiu. 


"THE  DIE-HARDS." 

LORD  WILLOUGHBY  DE  BKOKE.  "What  are  we  doiii',  my  boy  ? 
"Why,  we  're  walkiu'  the  bloomin'  plank  !  Glorious  death  !  ! " 

[To  the  ordinary  observer  the  noble  lord  and  his  associates 
would  appear  to  have  been  engaged  in  the  safer  operation  of 
walking  the  whole  bloomin'  (Unionist)  platform.} 


to  consider  their  reasons  and  act 
accordingly  by  accepting  or  defying 
situation. 

House  crowded  on  every  bench. 
Flock  of  Peeresses  alighted  in  side 
gallery.  As  debate  goes  forward  you 
see  them  instinctively,  unconsciously, 
turning  thumbs  up  or  down,  as  was  the 
habit  of  their  sisters  in  the  arena  at 
ancient  Rome  when  a  life  was  at  stake. 
HALSBUBY'S  entrance  created  what 
French  reporters  describe  as  mouve- 
ment.  WILLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE,  half 
rising  to  salute  his  great  commander, 
whistled  a  bar  of  "  See  the  Conquering 
Hero  Comes."  NEWTON,  who  in  leisure 
of  the  Recess  plays  the  flute,  says  it 
was  half  a  tone  flat.  But  effort  well 
meant. 

HATSBUHY  has  of  late  adopted  un- 


Abandoned  his  Amendments,  carried  by 
overwhelming  majority  in  Committee 
on  Veto  Bill.  Beseeches  his  men  to 
retire  from  the  field. 

ST.  ALDWYN,  his  judicial  mind  torn 
between  conflicting  desire  to  destroy 
Veto  Bill  and  the  irresistible  logic  of 
circumstances  that  shows  hopelessness 
of  further  fighting,  backs  up  the  wise 
counsel.  Field-Marshal  HALSBURY  in- 
flexible. WILLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE  gets 
hopelessly  entangled  in  military  meta- 
phors. Talk  goes  on  till  midnight. 
Fateful  hour  of  debate  put  off  for  a  day. 

Business  done. — Action  of  Commons 
in  respect  of  Veto  Bill  considered. 

Thursday. — Twenty  minutes  toeleven 
and  a  sultry  night.  The  long  fight  round 
the  Veto  Bill,  flashing  more  fiercely  than 
ever  in  these  closing  hours,  nears  the 


Presently,  through  the  open  doors, 
is  heard  the  voice  of  the  Tellers  who, 
as  with  white  wand  th»y  touch  the 
shoulder  of  each  peer  returning  from 
the  division  lobby,  count  "one — two 
..  -  . — three — four." 

At  the  end  of  a  quarter  of 
an  hour  that  seems  sixty 
minutes,  HEKSCHELL,  Minis- 
terial Whip,  hurriedly  ap- 
proaches Woolsack  and  hands 
strip  of  paper  to  LORD 
.  '  CHANCELLOR. 

The  Bill  is  saf^  ! 
A  cheer  goes  uj  from  Minis- 
terialists as  LOUD  CHANCEL- 
LOR, tossing  back  his  wig, 
reads  figures :  For  insistence 
on  Lords'  Amendments,  114 ; 
against,  131.  Government 
majority  17. 

"If  within  these  walls 
there  are  at  this  moment  ex- 
ceptionally grateful  hearts 
they  beat  in  the  bosoms  of 
Pere  HALSBURY  and  his 
flock,"  said  the  Member  for 
Sark,  looking  on  from  the 
Gallery  over  Black  Rod's  pew. 
"  They  have  had  a  high  old 
time  and — they  have  done  no 
harm.  But  let  him  who  won 
the  palm  wear  it.  By  reason 
of  his  age  and  ex  -  official 
position  HALSBURY  is  bailed 
as  '  the  onlie  begetter '  and 
leader  of  a  movement  which 
brought  the  House  of  Lords 
perilously  near  the  abyss. 
Actually  the  political  acumen  that  con- 
ceived it,  the  statesmanship  that  con- 
ducted it,  the  courage  that  sustained 
it,  the  occasional  coherence  that  com- 
mended it  to  the  House  and  the  public, 
were  measured  by  the  standard  of 
WILLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE." 

Business  done. — Veto  Bill  over  last 
stile. 

"LOST,  on  1st  August,  Scotch  Terrier  Pup, 
Black  and  Brown,  about  seven  months  old ; 
answers  to  name  of  '  Chulalongkorn." " 

Aberdeen  Free  Press. 

Chulalongkorn  (loq.).  "Perhaps  if  I 
stay  away  a  bit  longer  who  knows  but 
they  '11  be  giving  me  a  shorter  namei," 

"Black  satin  teag«vui  trimmed  cream  lace, 
£1  ;  fit  lady  about  6ft  .iiu."— Trie  Matn-K: ' 
Patagonian  papers,  please  copy. 


AuouBT_i6.  mi.]  PUNCH.  Oil  THE  LONDON  C1IAB1VARI. 


121 


95°    IN   THE   SHADE. 

Head  Ganleiier.  "  YOU'D  BETTER  MOW  THE  TK*SIS  COURTS  NOW,  THEN  YOD  CAX  ROLL  'EM  BOTH  WAYS;    n  WON'T  no  'EM  xo 
uitr.    AFTER  THAT,  you  CAN  DIG  UP  THAT  PATH  I  WANT  ALTEKIN',  AND  TAKE  AND  MAKE  A  FIRE  OK  ALL  THAT  RI-IHHMI  THAT'H 

LYIN  BY  THE  FRAMES.  If  THAT  DON'T  CARRY  YOU  TO  TEA-TIME  COME  AXD  LOOK  FEU  ME  AND  I  'LL  «IVE  YOU  AMiTIIKH  JOB.  YOU  'LL 
FIND  ME  BUSY  WITH  THE  GOLDFISH,  VERT  LIKELY,  OK  CLEANI.V  THE  TAP  0'  THE  FOUNTAIN.  YOU  WON'T  DEEM  TO  FEEL  THE  'EAT  BO 
MUCH  IF  YOU  KEEP  ON  WORKIN'." 


THE  IDEAL  HOLIDAY. 

THB-  example  of  our  contemporary, 
The  Evening  News,  in  appealing  to 
various  well-known  people  to  state 
what  in  their  opinion  constitutes  the 
ideal  holiday,  has  induced  Mr.  Punch 
ta  supplement  the  investigation,  with 
the  following  exhilarating  results : — 

SIR  GEOBGE  ALEXANDER. 

In  London  I  dress  more  or  less  im- 
maculately. Here — at  a  tiny  village 
on  the  East  Coast — I  don  garments 
snatched,  at  the  last  moment,  from 
their  appropriate  ragbag,  and  do  all  I 
can  to  emulate  the  sartorial  non- 
chalance of  the  tramp. 

SIR  EDWARD  ELGAR. 

In  my  holiday  time,  if  the  truth 
must  be  told,  I  love,  like  Apollo,  to 
unbend  my  bow  and  indulge  in 
frivo'ous  compositions.  Thus  in  the 
last  fortnight  my  output  includes  a 
Eag-time  Rhapsody,  a  Burlesque  of 


BRAHMS,  and  a  Symphonic  Cake-walk 
Polka  which  I  have  dedicated  to 
Messrs.  BUSZARD. 

THE  EDITOR  OP  The  Enylish  Review. 

My  idaal  holiday  consists  in  ex- 
changing for  my  normal  editorial  duties 
the  charge  of  a  magazine  for  children 
of  tender  years.  I  go  down  to  Totland 
Bay,  and  there,  as  I  watch  the  infant 
holiday  makers  disporting  themselves 
on  the  shore,  I  improvise  with  extra- 
ordinary facility  cautionary  tales,  fables, 
and  allegories  of  the  most  blameless 
character.  I  also  take  great  care  to 
attune  my  diet  to  my  mental  processes, 
and  live  exclusively  on  rice  puddings, 
rusks,  barley-water  and  milk.  If  I 
read  anything  it  is  the  novels  of 
Miss  YONGE  or  the  articles  of  Lord 
COURTNEY  OP  PENWITH. 

MR.  ANDREW  CARNEGIE. 

My  ideal  holiday  is  to  live  on  six- 
pence a  day  in  a  community  which  is 
neither  literary  nor  courageous. 


MR.  CLEMENT  K.  SHORTER. 

To  live  for  a  month  on  a  paper- 
bag  diet' without  ever  having  to  men- 
tion CHARLOTTE  BRONTE  or  GEORGE 
MEREDITH. 


"Rooms  to  let  in  Chesham  Bois. — Garden  ; 
hot  and  cold." 
HampsUad  and  St.  John's  Wood  Adcrrtucr. 

Come  into  the  cold  garden,  Maud. 


How  the  Good  News  came  to  Chin*. 
"  Mr.  H.  E.  Smith  row,  but  the  Minist'-iiali-i  s 
drowned  him.    The  Sjicaker  hereupon  suspended 
the  sitting." — Jfaudiurian  Daily  A'cin. 


The  Catch  of  the  Season. 

"It  was  a  most  beautiful  catch  l>y  Mr. 
Hiitchiugs  in  the  deep  field  on  the  leg  aide  that 
dismissed  Mr.  Sprot  The  tree  which  stands  in 
the  ground  was  too  near  to  be  pleasant,  and 
Mr.  Hutchinga  had  to  run  back  quickly  and 
held  it  over  his  head." — Timet. 

Thus  shaded,  he  brought  off  the  catch 
with  his  other  hand. 


122 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  16,  1911. 


THE   TEAM   FOR   AUSTRALIA. 

(An  exercise  in  the  judicial  and  courtly 

manner  of  Mr.  P.  V.  Warner.) 

THE   authorities  of  the  M.C.C.  are 
still  engaged  in  the  delicate  and  mo- 1 
mentous  task  of  team-building,  and  it j 
may  not  be  inopportune  while  waiting ' 
for  that  great  batsman,  Mr.  C.  B.  FRY,  j 
to  come  to  a  decision  as  to  whether  he 
will  or  will  not  visit  the  Antipodes  as 
the  Captain,  to  pass  under  review  the 
various  ingredients  of  the  English  side. 

Mr.  C.  B.  FRY,  of  course,  is  a  tower 
of  strength,  and  was  never  more  superb 
and  classical  than  this  season.  I  re- 
member Mr.  C.  B.  FRY'S  first  match 
only  too  well,  for  a  straight  drive  from 
those  broad  shoulders  split  one  of  my 
infinitives. 

In  default  of  Mr.  C.  B.  FRY,  we  ought, 
I  think,  to  take  THOMAS  HAYWARD.  It  is 
necessary  that  a  root-striking  batsman 
should  go,  and  next  to  Mr.  C.  B.  FRY, 
if  not  before  him,  is  certainly  THOMAS 
HAYWARD.  The  first  time  I  played 
against  THOMAS  HAYWARD  was  in  the 
Middlesex  and  Surrey  match  of  1889, 
and  I  can  still  see  THOMAS  HAYWARD, 
younger  then  and  perhaps  quicker  in 
the  field  (as  indeed  we  all  were),  as  he 
hit  four  after  four.  The  Hon.  ROBERT 
GRIMSTON,  always  a  shrewd  judge  of 
the  game,  remarked  to  me,  "That 
young  man,  given  no  decrease  in  form, 
will  do  well7' — prophetic  words  indeed. 

From  Surrey  are  to  come  two  of 
THOMAS  HAYWARD'S  colleagues — JOHN 
B.  HOBBS,  and  HERBERT  STRUDWICK, 
whom,  I  regret  to  say,  the  crowd  are 
too  apt  to  call  "  Struddy,"  thus  letting 
into  the  game  an  element  of  familiarity 
against  which  I  have  always  set  my 
face.  JOHNB.  HOBBS  is  undoubtedly  a 
sterling  batsman,  and  I  find  that  in  my 
book,  The  Cricketing  Circumnavigator, 
published  in  1909,  I  refer  to  him  as 
"  a  sterling  batsman  with  a  large  num- 
ber of  strokes,  of  whom  w.e  shall  hear 
more."  The  choice  of  JOHN  B.  HOBBS 
to  be  a  member  of  this  team  must  there- 
fore be  considered  sound.  Nor  is  there 
any  exception  to  be  taken  to  HERBERT 
STRUDWICK,  who  for  capable  wicket- 
keeping  has  acquired  a  reputation 
second  to  none. 

In  the  Australian  tour  of  1905,  which 
I  had  the  honour  to  captain,  HERBERT 
STHUDWICK  was  not  called  upon  in 
any  of  the  test  matches,  ARTHUR  A. 
LILLEY  being  all-sufficient.  This  time 
HERBERT  STRUDWICK  will  himself  be 
the  ARTHUR  A.  LILLEY  and  EDWIN  J. 
SMITH  of  Warwickshire  will  be  the 
HERBERT  STRUDWICK  of  the  team.  Lord 
HAWKE,  who  knew  the  game  through 
and  through,  even  in  theqradle,  predicted 
j  a  great  future  for  HERBERT  STRUDWICK 
when  he  saw  him  in  1S97.  "  That  little 


man,"  he  said  (and  I  hope  HERBERT 
STRUDWICK,  for  whom  I  have  very  real 
esteem  and  would  not  on  any  account 
wound,  will  not  object  to  the  adjective) 
— "that  little  man  will  nip  the  bails  off 
a  lot  of  good  wickets  before  he's  done." 
Time  has  proved  how  inspired  were 
his  Lordship's  words. 

To  return  to  Warwickshh-e,  it  seems 
on  the  way  of  sending  no  fewer  than 
three  men,  for  in  addition  to  EDWIN  J. 
SMITH,  who  can  bat  as  well  as  stump, 
it  is  to  provide  Mr.  F.  R.  FOSTER  and 
CAMUEL  P.  KINNEIR.  Mr.  F.  R.  FOSTER 
is,  of  course,  the  marvel  of  1911,  as  not 
only  is  he  a  most  dangerous  bowler  but 
a  batsman  who  always  makes  his  fifty. 
I  have  fielded  against  him  many  times 
and  never  without  wishing  I  was  com- 
fortably at  home  with  my  Westminster 
Gazette  in  my  hands.  I  remember  his 
first  match  as  if  it  were  yesterday — as 
indeed  it  almost  was.  I  was  sitting 
by  the  Hon.  ROBERT  LYTTELTON, 
a  keen  watcher  of  the  cricket  fir- 
mament, and  he  said,  "  Mark  my 
words,  that  youngster's  a  cricketer." 
Could  anything  have  bsen  more  true  ? 
SAMUEL  P.  KINNEIR  is  a  left-hander, 
and  of  left-handers  we  cannot  have  too 
many.  The  success  of  Mr.  CLEMENT 
HILL,  Mr.  VEENON  RANSFORD  and  Mr. 
WALTER  BARDSWELL,  among  the  Aus- 
tralians, should  prove  this.  SAMUEL 

P.  KINNEIR 

(To  be  continued — we  don't  think. — ED.) 


BOOK   CHAT. 

LORD  ROSEBERY  has  no  new  book 
on  the  stocks. 

The  enormous  success  that  has  been 
achieved  by  Mr.  WILLIAM  LE  QUEUX'S 
masterpiece,  The  Indiscretions  of  a 
Lady's  Maid,  has  naturally  prompted 
him  to  further  explorations  of  this 
attractive  field  of  psychology.  He 
has,  we  understand,  already  com- 
pleted the  manuscript  of  a  thrilling 
romance  entitled  The  Futilities  of  a 
Fourth  Footman,  and  is  now  engaged 
on  The  Tragedy  of  a  Still-Boom  Maid. 
There  is,  however,  no  foundation  for 
the  report  that  he  is  the  author  of  the 
anonymously  published  novel,  The  Soul 
of  a  Scavenger. 

Mrs.  Connie  Crimm  has  nearly 
finished  a  new  story,  to  which  she  gives 
the  title  The  Same  Old  Game.  Accord- 
ing to  private  information  concerning 
the  plot,  it  deals  with  a  marquis,  his 
sister-in-law,  who  is  heiress  to  a  crip- 
pled half-brother,  and  the  dowager 
marchioness,  who  is  the  marquis's  step- 
mother. The  crippled  half-brother  is 
unaware  of  the  existence  of  his  sister 
until  he  meets  her  at  a  sacred  concert 
at  Adelboden.  The  story,  it  will  be  semi, 
is  of  deeply  religious  significance,  with 


an  admirable  description  of  a  fatal 
toboggan  accident,  and  can  be  safely 
recommended  to  all  country  congrega- 
tions. 

Tke  exact  sum  netted  by  Miss 
Pauline  Pryor  for  her  realistic  study 
of  smart  life,  entitled  At  the  Keyhole, 
is,  to  date,  £35,000. 

Kentucky,  the  home  of  the  famous 
Mammoth  Caves,  has  always  shown  a 
lively  appreciation  of  the  work  of  the 
veteran  historian  of  that  formidable 
but  unhappily  extinct  mammal.  Our 
readers  will,  we  are  sure,  be  deeply 
interested  to  learn  that  the  University 
of  Kentucky  is  publishing  a  collected 
edition,  with  illustrations,  portraits, 
notes,  excursuses  and  an  index  of  Sir 
HENRY  HOWORTH'S  letters  to  The 
Times.  Four  volumes,  each  of  about 
750  pages,  have  already  issued  from 
the  University  Press,  and  it  is  hoped 
that  the  collection  will  be  completed 
by  the  year  1940. 

Mrs.  Hodley  Beddoes  has  finished  a 
charming  volume  of  essays,  daintily 
entitled  Tripe  and  Onions.  Since  the 
publication  of  the  same  author's  de- 
licious Veal  and  Ham  Patties,  nothing 
so  genial,  so  redolent  of  the  true 
democratic  unction,  has  emanated  from 
the  press.  SAMUEL  WARREN,  the  gifted 
author  of  Ten  Thousand'  a  Year,  alone 
of  classic  writers  may  be  said  to  have 
come  within  a  measurable  distance 
of  the  adorable  oleaginosity  of  Mrs. 
Beddoes'  pen,  but  the  rest  is  silence. 
Beside  her  THACKERAY  is  a  prig  and 
DICKENS  a  boor. 

Mr.  Roland  Pougher's  new  mediae- 
val romance  will  be  published  next 
Thursday,  and  is  confidently  expected 
to  stagger  the  meticulous  pedants  who 
demur  to  the  stark  simplicities  of 
modern  realism.  Compared  with  its 
superbly  adult  imagery,  the  timid 
puerilities  of  Ivanhoe  suffer  an  igno- 
minious eclipse.  It  is  interesting  to 
leatn  that  the  ex  -  Sultan  ABDUL 
HAMID  and  KING  THEEBAW,  the  deposed 
King  of  Burmah,  have  both  bean 
graciously  pleased  to  accept  a  present- 
ation advance  copy  of  Mr.  Pougher's 
romance,  which  rejoices  in  the  engaging 
title  of  The  Swanking  Times. 

A  new  poet  is  about  to  swim  into 
our  ken  in  the  person  of  Boaz  Bobb,  a 
son  of  the  Arkansas  soil,  who  has  long 
been  resident  in  London  studying  Ice- 
landic literature  for  the  purposes  of  a 
new  saga  of  the  Wild  West.  Those 
persons  who  have  been  privileged  to 
see  Mr.  Bobb's  lyrics  in  MS.  say  that 
they  can  remember  nothing  like  them 
for  their  simplicity  and  candour.  Mr. 
Bobb,  with  the  delightful  lack  of  re- 
straint and  false  shame  that  is  so 
marked  a  characteristic  of  the  age, 
takes  the  reader  into  his  confidence 


AK;L:«T  16,  1911.J 


PUNCH,  jOR  THE  LONDOjTcHARIVARI. 


with  complete  unreserve,  even  when  he 
runs  the  risk  of  suffering  in  reputation 
from  so  doing.  The  tiile  of  the  little 
volume  is  Naked  and  Unashamed.  It 
will  be  printed  on  hand-made  paper, 
with  the  widest  margins  of  recent 
times. 

Lord  HUGH  CECIL  has  accepted  the 
dedication  of  the  new  edition  of  The 
Slang  Dictionary. 


ONE  MOEE  STRIKE. 

THESE  are  times  of  general  upset 
and  unrest,  and  everyone  seems  to  be 
going  on  strike.  The  latest  economic 
disturbance  to  be  threatened  is  among 
the  Dentists'  Deadheads.  These  ladies 
are  dissatisfied  with  the  current  rate  of 
pay.  This,  it  appears,  is  ten  shillings 
remuneration  for  the  duty  of  sitting 
frop  ten  till  six  on  alternate  days  in 
Hie  waiting-room  of  a  young  dentist 
who  wishes  to  give  the  impression  of 
a  rising  practice. 

We  must  confess  that  some  of  their 
requirements  are  not  unreasonable. 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 

SYNDICATE  VISITING  THE  ARCTIC  CIRCI.K  ix  .SEARCH  OK  A  NEW  DANCER. 


Among  their  stipulations,  for  instance 
are  the  following  : — 

A  clean  sweep  of  all  the  tattered 
back  numbers — some  more  than  two 
years  old — of  the  ladies'  newspapers 
which  decorate  the  waiting-room  table. 

A  fresh  supply  of  the  morning  and 
evening  dailies  and  the  current  femi- 
nine magazines. 

A  more  generous  and  realistic  re- 
cognition of  their  status  as  "  decoys  " 
by  an  occasional  summons  to  the 
dentist's  room,  not,  of  course,  for  an 
operation,  but  for  the  purpose  of  a 
friendl"  chat. 

A  claim  on  the  dentist's  services 
gratis,  if  required,  with  unlimited 
laughing  gas  and  restoratives. 

A  relaxation  of  the  rule  requiring 
them  to  appear  apprehensive  and 
miserable. 

An  extension  of  the  turn-and-turn- 
aboufc  system  of  attendance,  on  the 
dog-watch  principle,  in  order  to  visit 
sales  or  other  urgent  attractions. 

A  release  from  the  necessity  of 
simulating  swollen  faces  by  putting 
monkey-nuts  in  their  cheeks. 


An  increase  of  pay,  to  be  settled  by 
the  arbitration  of  Mr.  ASKWITH,  in  view 
of  the  general  enhancement  of  prices 
consequent  on  all  the  other  strikes. 

Unless  these  demands  are  speedily 
assented  to,  we  fear  there  will  be  a 
vacuum  in  the  reception-room  of  many 
a  commencing  L.D.8.  We  hear  that 
pickets  are  already  selected  for  the  pur- 
pose of  peacefully  dissuading  prospec- 
tive patients,  and,  in  fact,  the  strikers 
are  showing  a  most  determined  front. 


Asquiths  in  the  Garden. 

" 's    STRAWBERRIES. — Fine    early 

[>l:iiits  for  forcing  of  Royal  Sovereign." 

The  Ha, lira. 


pot 


Highly  Suspicious. 
"  ROYAL     ENFIELI>,     1811,    two-qwrd    free 
'ngine,  brand  new,  inn  for  one  day  only,  owner 
nvalid,  £50. "— Motor  Cycling. 


'  One  van    containing    a  quantity   of   fruit 
was  stomied    in   Kdgware   Road.     The  driver 
made  a  desperate  but  fruitless  attempt  to  drive 
hroligh  the  strikers. "—  J)aily  ChToniflr. 

I  it  was  really  fruitless  the  strikers 
would  seem  to  have  established  their 
x>int. 


1-24 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  16,  1911. 


Chorus  of  Penguin  Bookmakers.  "Two  TO  ORE  YOU  DON'T  SPOT  WHERE  HE  COMES  UP.' 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

ONE  of  the  most  delightful  American  books  that  has 
come  my  way  for  some  time  is  While  Caroline  was  Growing 
(MACMILLAN),  by  JOSEPHINE  DASKAM  BACON.  I  gather  from 
the  atlvertisemsnt  pages  that  this  lady  has  already  written 
several  other  stories  about  children ;  she  certainly  does  it 
very  well,  with,  moreover,  the  rare  gift  of  being  able  to 
present  the  child's  point  of  view.  But  because  of  this 
I  am  the  more  inclined  to  grumble  at  her  for  yielding,to  the 
temptation  to  make  her  children  do  far  too  much.  Bring- 
ing together  lovers,  I  mean,  or  convincing  Society  ladies  of 
their  errors,  and  the  like.  Caroline's  adolescence  would 
appear  to  have  been  spent  in  a  continual  round  of  this 
kind  of  thing. 
Whereas,  in  fact, 
normal  and  natural 
kiddies  —  such  as 
these  are,  if  the 
author  would  only 
let  them  alone  — 
are  quite  sufficiently 
attractive  without 
the  addition  of  do- 
mestic melodrama. 
Of  course  Miss  (or 
Mrs.)  BACON  may 
object  in  answer  to 
this  that  she  had  to 
tell  some  sort  of 
story  in  each  of  the 
Caroline  episodes  ; 
if  so,  I  reply  that 
anyone  who  could 
write  the  descrip- 
tion of  a  town  walk 
at  the  beginning  of 
the  second  chapter 
has  no  need  to  worry 
about  doing  any- 
thing of  the  kind. 
And  1  am  sure  that 
any.  jury .  of  elderly 
bachelors  (notori- 
ously the  most  sen- 
timental class  in  the 
world  where  babies 
are  concerned)  would  support  me  in  this  view.  Caroline,  in 
short,  is  a  wholly  charming  and  lovable  little  person,  to 
whose  creator  I  tender  my  grateful  thanks ;  with  just  this 
reservation  that  she  is  a  little  too  hard- worked  for  her  years. 

I  don't  think  Mr.  ALBERT  DORRINGTON  had  quite  made 
up  his  mind  before  he  began  to  write  Our  Lady  of  the 
Leopards  (MILLS  AND  BOON)  whether  be  was  going  to  spin 
a  yarn  of  humorous  filibustering  adventure,  or  let  us  into 
the  uncanny  secrets  of  Hindoo  temples  and  their  strange 
gods.  Perhaps  he  found  a  precedent  for  combining  the 
two  themes  in  such  a  story  as  The  Incarnation  of  Krishna 
Mulvaney,  to  which  his  opening  chapters  seem  considerably 
indebted.  But  then  Mr.  EUDYAKD  KIPLING  is  Mr.  RUDYARD 
KIPLING,  and  a  short  story  is  quite  a  different  pair  of  shoes 
from  a  novel.  I  got  on  very  well  at  first  with  Captain 
Hayes,  a  gentleman  with  all  the  aes  triplex  of  our  old 
friend  Kettle,  and  with  Larry  Delaney,  the  Irishman  who 

I  impersonates  Huniman — shall  it  be  Huniman,  by  the  way, 
or  Hanuman,  or  doasn't  the  Monkey-God,  rather  a  touchy 


fellow  on  etiquette,  mind  about  spelling? — biit  when  the 
writer  took  me  to  the  Palace  of  Leopards  in  the  Chumbra 
Valley,  to  wrest  the  real  ape  from  the  guardian  priestess,  | 
the  mixture  of  magazine  comedy  with  Eastern  ferocity  and  I 
horuor  became  too  unnatural  to  please.    The  humonr  of  the  | 
adventure  wore  thin,  and  he  never  settled  down  in  earnest 
to  the  magical,  hair-raising  business.     Things  brisksd  up 
a  bit,  I  confess,  towards  the  end,  where  Huniman  gave  a 
fine  exhibition  of  his  powers  for  wreaking  vengeance  on 
the   sacrilegious;   but  still,   when  I    remember   Fleet  and 
Strickland  and  those  raw  chops,  I  feel  that  Mr.  DORRINGTON 
would    have    done    better   to   stick   to   the  farcical  vein 
throughout. 


NEW    ZOO    GAME. 


/-HJTifALlONV 
"' 


A  little  obvious  in  construction,  verv  jerky  in  composition 
and  filled  with  incidents  of  a  familiar,  if  not  stereotyped, 

nature,  Red  of  the 
Rock  (ALSTON 
RIVERS)  is  neverthe- 
less a  most  fascinat- 
ing book;  and  when 
I  say  fascinating,  I 
do  not  mean  nice  or 
nicsish,  but,  oddly 
enough,  a  thing 
which  fascinates.  Of 
the  slow  process  by 
which  the  love  of 
Anthony  Manning 
for  Anne  Thurston 
was  rehabilitated 
and  the  still  slower 
process  by  which 
the  love  of  Anne 
Thurston  for  An- 
thony Manning  was 
permitted  to  over- 
come misunder- 
standings and  pride, 
and  go  ahead,  I  say 
nothing:  it  was  ob- 
vious from  the  start 
that  these  things 
were  only  going  to 
ba  a  matter  of  pages. 
But  I  would  say  a 
lot,  and  that  in  the 
highest  praise,  of 
the  central  idea,  as 
developed  by  ELDRID  REYNOLDS  (for  whose  sex  I  hesitate 
to  plump),  of  the  sea  calling  one  of  its  lost  sons  back  from 
the  humdrum  prosperity  of  the  methodical  city,  and  plant- 
ing him,  at  first  much  against  his  will,  in  the  wild  Cornish 
cove  in  No  Man's  Land.  The  book,  however,  is  not  to 
be  recommended  -to  August  visitors  at  popular  watering- 
places,  for  the  author  explains,  with  a  frankness  that  might 
depress  them  and  spoil  their  holiday,  that  what  is  popularly 
called  the  Seaside  is  all  side  and  no  sea. 


•VJ 


"  DONE  'EM  AGAIN  ! " 


The  Eye-Witness. 

"The  sense  of  duty  on  the  part  of  the  sailor  at  the  look-out  was  the 
most  sublime  I  have  ever  known.  He  stood  at  his  post  without  a 
thought  of  deserting  it,  though  buried  by  tons  of  ice." 

Passenger's  narrative  in  "  Tltc  Standard." 


The  Journalistic  Touch. 

"  Insurance  and  benefit  societies  offer  a  primrose  path  to  the  company 
shark." — Allahabad  Pioneer. 


AUGUST  23,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


125 


CHARIVARIA. 

THERE  is,  we  believe,  very  little  doubt 
that  the  persons  prevented  from  re- 
turning from  the  seaside  to  their  work 
are  better  pleased  than  those  prevented 
from  getting  from  their  work  to  the 
seaside.  ...  ... 

"  The  Holiday  Cat "  is  a  problem 
which  is  receiving  a  good  deal  of  atten- 
tion just  now.  One  might  do  worse 
than  give  it  to  those  strikers  who 
strike  workmen  because  they  wish  to 
work.  ...  u. 


not   proved   acceptable   to  those  con- 1 
cerned. 

In  an  article  on  the  Veto  Crisi 
Spectator  says : — "  We  are  bound  to 
say  that  a  careful  consideration  of  all 
the  facts  shows  that  the  King  could 
not  have  acted  otherwise  than  lie  did." 
Wouldn't  it  have  been  awful  for  His 
Majesty  if  our  contemporary  had  felt 
bound  to  issue  an  adverse  report? 
One  does  not  care  to  think  what 
would  have  happened  then. 
;;••  -;; 

At  last  there  is  a  real  "  Tragedy  of 
Ireland."     We  refer  to  the  position  of 


By  the  by,  a  trolley 
which  was  conveying  a 
lion  to  the  Zoo  was  mo- 
lested by  strikers  until  the 
nature  of  the  merchandise 
disclosed  itself.  It  is 
thought  that,  as  a  result  of 
this,  many  traders  may  in 
future  include  a  lion  in  the 
contents  of  their  packing- 
cases.  .,,  .,. 

At  Nottingham  there  has 
actually  been  a  worm  - 
gatherers'  strike.  Which 
proves  that  even  the 
worm-gatherers  will  turn — 
in  the  hot  weather. 

And  there  has  been  a  dear 
little  Boys'  Own  Strike. 
One  hundred  boys  at  the 
Sittingbourne  paper  mills 
struck  for  an  advance  of 
one  halfpenny  an  hour. 
Apparently  the  price  of  lolli- 
pops has  risen,  and  there 
has  not  been  a  corre- 
sponding increase  in  wages. 

The    absence    of    heavy 
railway  and   cartage   vans 
from    the    London    streets 
during  the  dock  strike  made 
the  thoroughfares  clear  and 
easy    to    cross    in   comfort 
and  safety ;  and  it  looks  ra'  her  as  if  we ;  the  Irish  M.P.'s  who  have  to  refuse  a 
have  discovered  at  last  a  cure  for  the  salary  of  £400  a  year. 
congestion  of  traffic  in  the  Metropolis 

-that  problem  that  has  been  baffling 


THE  HOLIDAY  PROBLEM  AUTOMATICALLY   SOLVED  BY  THE   RAILWAY 
STRIKE. 


One  hundred  thousand  firemen  from 
all  over  Europe  attended  the  festival 
of  the  National  Federation  of  Firemen 
in  Paris.  The  affair  was  admirably 
organised.  Nothing  seems  to  have 
been  forgotten.  There  was  even  a 
serious  fire  in  the  city,  which  enabled 
the  delegates  to  see  the  Paris  firemen 
at  work.  #  ^ 

$ 

It  has  been  suggested  that  our  Boy 
Scouts  shall  be  employed  in  a  war  of 
extermination  against  houss  -  flies. 
There  is  something  rather  attractive 
about  the  proposal.  For  a  full-grown 
man  to  engage  in  mortal  combat  with 
— ,  a  fly  would  be  absurd  and 
somewhat  unsportsman- 
like. The  others  aro  more 
equally  matched. 


And  the  wasp  plague 
continues  to  baffle  the  na- 
tion. Personally  we  thii.k 
there  is  nothing  like  the 
old-fashioned  protection  of 
applying  a  thin  coating  of 
treacle  to  one's  face  and 
hands.  Not  only  does  the 
sting  fail  to  penetra'o  this, 
but  the  wasps  are  held  rs 
involuntary  prisoners  unt  1, 
at  the  end  of  the  day,  ono 

removes  them. 

%  & 

A  hare  wlvch  had  made 
a  daily  practice  of  swim- 
ming in  the  sea  at  Cley,  to 
the  delight  of  the  visitor?, 
has,  we  are  told,  been  cip- 
tureJ  by  some  local  fishar- 
men.  Presumably  because 
the  regulations  as  to  bath- 
ing costume  had  not  been 
complied  with. 

The  statement,  just  pub- 
lished in  a  Board  of  Api- 
culture Keport,  thct  there 
are  now  1,826,841  dogs  in 


us  for  so  long. 


It  is  being  asked:  What  reward  does 
the  Government  intend  to  give  to  its 


Yet  another  gift — this  time  a  rifle 
range — for  the  War  Office.  It  is  evi- 
dently being  realised  gradually  that  so 
much  money  is  required  nowadays  for 
old  age  pensions,  workmen's  insur- 


four  hundred  followers  who  were  will- !  ance,  wages  for  M.P.'s,  and  the  like,  that 


ing,  if  necessary,  to  brave  ridicule  for 
its  sake  ?  We  shall  not  be  surprised 
if,  gradually,  each  of  them  receives  a 
peerage.  .  ...  ... 

# 

Meanwhile  the  suggestion  that  a 
public  dinner  should  be  given  to  tiiem 
at  once  has,  for  some  reason  or  other, 


if  our  defences  are  to  be  kept  up,  it  must 
be  done  by  voluntary  contributions. 

''.'•  •'.• 

The  present  yeir  marks  the  jubilee 
of  the  Ironclad.  It  has  not  yet  been 
decided  how  it  shall  be  cslebrated.  In 
Germany  many  persons  rather  favour 
the  idea  of  a  Naval  War. 


Great  Britain,  has  cause.l 
a  certain  amount  of  ex- 
citement in  the  canine^  world.  It 
has,  we  hear,  been  reserved  to  make 
every  effort  to  bring  the  number  up  to 
2,000,000  by  next  year,  and  an  agita- 
tion will  then  be  started  against  taxa- 
tion without  representation. 

The  authorities  of  Watartown,  New 
York,  have  decided  that  in  future  their 
policemen,  to  obtain  relief  from  the  heat, 
will  wear  white  shirts,  duck  trousers, 
and  light  tennis  shoes.  Any  white 
malefactor  who,  while  being  arrested, 
soils  one  of  these  immaculate  guardians 
of  the  peace  will  be  ssvere'.y  dealt  with. 
Any  black  malefactor  producing  the 
same  effect  will  be  burned  alive. 


VOL.    CXLI. 


12:; 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON    CIIAIUVAUI. 


[ AUGUST  23,  1911. 


WANLEY  ON  WIT  AND  WISDOM. 
"  THE  vein  of  wit  cloth  not  always  answer  a  man's  desire, 
but  at  some  times,  while  we  are  writing  or  speaking,  some- 
thing doth  casually  offer  its?lf  unto  our  thoughts,  which, 
perhaps,  hath  more  of  worth  in  it  than  we  are  able  to 
compass  with  the  utmost  vehemence  of  our  meditation  and 
study.  Facetious  men  have  many  such  fortunate  hits, 
lighting  on  the  sudden  upon  that  which  is  more  graceful 
an:l  pleasant  to  the  hearer,  than  their  more  elaborate 
endeavours  would  be." 

With  the  above  paragraph  the  Eev.  NATHANIEL  WANLEY 
begins  the  antepenultimate  chapter  of  his  famous  and  stu- 
pendous book,  entitled  "  The  Wonders  of  the  Little  World  ; 
or,  A  General  History  of  Man.  In  Six  Books."  My  edition  is 
a  fat  quarto  of  752  pages,  including  plates  and  an  index,  and 
was  published  in  1788.  The  first  edition  was,  I  believe, 
a  folio  published  in  1678 — two  years,  that  is  to  say,  before 
Mr.  WANLEY  died  at  the  unripe  age  of  forty-six.  It  is  an 
amaz  ng  thought  that  in  that  comparatively  short  space  of 
time  he  should  have  found  leisure  for  the  compilation  of 
this  monumental  work,  for  he  was  also  Vicar  of  Trinity 
Parish,  Coventry,  and  must  have  misspent  some  hours  at 
least  in  every  :}yeek  in  attending  to  his  parochial  labours, 
liven  while  he  preached  or  expounded  or  visited  he  cannot 
but  have  sighed  to  be  back  at  "  The  General  History 
of  Man."  ,'j  .  I 

Certainly  he  had  no  mean  design.  The  title-page  sets 
out  that  he  proposes  to  display  "  The  Various  Faculties, 
Capacities,  Powers  and  Defects  of  the  Human  Body  and 
Mind,  in  several  thousand  most  interesting  Relations  of 
Persons  remarkable  for  Bodily  Perfections  "or  Defeats  .  .  . 
or  for  extraordinary  Virtues  or  Vices  of  the  Mind  .  .'  .  or 
for  uncommon  Powers  or  Weakness  cf  the  Senses  and 
Affections,"  together ; with  an  account  of  all  sorts  of 
"other  matters 'equally  curious,"  but  too  long  to  be 
mentioned  here.  The  whole  was  to  form  "  A  Complete 
System  of  tli3  Mental  and  Corporeal  Powers  and  Defects 
of  Human  Nature;  and  intended  to  increase  Knowledge, 
to  promote  Virtue,  to  discourage  Vice,  and  to  furnish 
topics  for  innocent  and  ingenious  Conversation."  A  most 
excellent  clerical  ambition.' 


My  edition,  published,  as  I  say,  more  than  a  hundred 
years  after  Mr.,  WAXLEY'S  death,  is  commended  to  the 
public  by  the  editor  in  a  preface.  Mr.  WAXLEY,  it  is  here 
stated,  "  ransacked  the  History  of  all  Times  and  Nations, 
and,  at  an  expence  of  labour  and  learning  which  renders 
him  as  great  an'  instance  of  Human  Industry  as  is  to  be 
found  even  in  his  own  Book,  he  has  gleaned  together  several 
thousand  Historical  Facts."  Mr.  WAXLEY,  however,  has 
been  expurgated,  for  "  Notwithstanding  our  author's  merit, 
it  must  be  acknowledged  that  ho  is  not  everywhere  equally 
happy  in  the  choice  of  his  stories,  and  that  some  immaterial 
and  disagreeable  relations  might  be  exchanged  for  such  as 
are  more  pertinent,  interesting  and  entertaining." 


My  editor  adds  that  those  who  undertake  the  informa- 
tion of  men  have  a  difficult  task.  "  For  the  subject,"  he 
says,  "  is  so  obnoxious  to  error,  the  track  so  rough  and 
uneven,  and  readers  so  prepossessed  with  prejudices, 
jealousies  and  censoriousness,  that  the  diligent  collectors  of 
such  examples  oftener  meet  with  reproaches,  than  testi- 
monies of  gratitude ;  this  is  probably  occasioned  by  vanity 
and  fondness  of  philosophizing  upon  matters  of  fact,  and 
being  more  curious  to  find  cut  the  reason  of  things  than 
the  truth  of  them.  But  though  it  is  an  argument  of 


ingenuity  to  search  into  the  reason  and  cause  of  things, 
yet  it  is  absurdity  and  folly  to  be  invincible  opiniatois 
against  manifest  convictions,  or  to  think  Omriipotency 
cannot  do  what  he  pleases,  because  some  men  are  resolved 
to  be  blind,  and  will  not  believe  what  they  see."  I  would 
rather  face  a  blow  from  the  fist  of  the  world's  heavy-weight 
champion  than  get  in  the  way  of  that  last  massive  and 
majestic  sentence.  Who,  after  reading  it,  would  dare  to  be 
an  invincible  opiniator  against  manifest  convictions? 

Mr.  WAXLEY'S  antepenultimate  chapter,  from  which  1 
have  already  given  an  extract,  treats  "  of  ths  witty  Speeches 
or  Eeplies  suddenly  made  by  some  Persons."  Here  is  one 
of  his  examples  : — "  One  asked  a  noble  sea-captain,  '  Why, 
having  means  sufficient  to  live  upon  the  land,  he  would  yet 
endanger  his  person  upon  the  ocean  ?  '  He  told  him  '  That 
he  had  a  natural  inclination  to  it,  and  th?refore  nothing 
could  divert  him.'  '  I  pray,'  said  the  other,  '  where  died 
your  father?'  'At  sea,'  said  the  Captain.  'And  where 
your  grandfather?'  'At  sea  also,' eaid  he.  'And,'  said 
the  other,  '  are  you  not  for  that  causa  afraid  to  go  to  sea  ?  ' 
'  Before  I  answer  you,'  said  the  Captain,  '  I  pray  tell  me 
where  died  your  father  ?'  'In  bed,' said  he.  'And  where 
your  grandfather?  '  '  In  his  bed,'  said  he, '  also.'  And  said 
the  Captain,  '  Are  you  not  afraid  for  that  cause  to  go  to 
bed  ?  ' '  It  was  a  hit — a  palpabb  hit,  but  it  may  be  urged 
that  the  noble  sea-captain  was  not  very  sudden  about  it.  He 
took  his  time  to  lay  his  train  and  apply  the  match,  and 
the  landsman  must  have  known  what  was  coming  some 
moments  before  the  charge  exploded. 


Here  is  another  told  in  Mr.  WANLEY'S  most  characteristic 
style:  "The  Spaniards  sided  with  the  Duke  of  Mayenne 
and  the  rest  of  those  rebels  in  France  who  called  themselves 
the  Holy  League;  and  a  French  gentleman  bsing  asked  the 
causes  of  theii;  civil  broils,  with  an  excellent  allusion  he 
replied,  '  They  were  Spania  and  Mania,'  seesfiing  by  this 
answer  to  'signify  they  were  'S.navia  penury,  and  Mwm 
fury,  which  are  indeed  the  causes  of  all  intestine  tumults, 
but  slily 'therein  implying  the  King  of  Spain  and  the  Duke 
of  Mayenne."  Could  there  be  a  more  benevolent  amenity 
than  that  with  which  our  collector  makes  the  witty  reply 
clear  to  the  most  pedestrian  intelligence  ? 

My  third  and  final  story  comes  from  the  chapter  "Of  the 
wise  Speeches,  Sayings  and  Eeplies  of  several  Persons." 
It  shows,  I  am  afraid,  that  Mr.  WANLEY  was  a  non-resist- 
ance and  passive-obedience  man: — "When  Theopompus 
was  King  of  Sparta,  ono  was  saying  in  his  presence  that 
'  it  now  went  well  with  their  City  because  their  Kings  had 
learned  how  to  govern.'  The  King  prudently  replied,  that 
'it  rather  came  to  pass  because  their  people  had  learned 
how  to  obey:'  shewing  thereby,  that  populous  Cities  are 
most  injurious  to  themselves  by  their  factious  disobedience; 
which,  while  they  are  addicted  to,  they  are  not  easily  well 
governed  by  the  best  of  magistrates." 


"To  BKIGHTEX  THE  KYKS.  — Milk,  1  oz.  ;  hot  water,  1  cz.     Mix  and 
bathe  the  eyes  while  the  mixture  is  still  warm." — Iranian's  Life. 

And  if  you  should  get  the  eyes  badly  mixed  and  put  ths 
right  one  back  in  the  left  socket,  so  much  the  better. 
A  little  change  brightens  them  up  wonderfully. 


.'•.One  can  watch  the  huntsman  and  almost  read  his  tlio'.ights  while 
cantering  ever  so  easily  on  a  carpet  of  a  thousand  sin  ings,  with  a  proud 
neck  arching  gently  to  the  rein.'  —  U'cst  tfomerset  Free  Press. 

The  writer  must  be  very  careful  how  he  arches  his  neck. 
It  soon  grows  into  a  habit. 


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AUQUST  23.  1911.]  PUNCH>   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


121) 


The  Balher.  "LooK  OUT,  MABEL,  HERE  COMES  DICK  HAWDOK."  The  Otl*,.,-.  -  WHAT  AM  I  TO  LOOK  orr  AM  „  ,  - • 
The  Bathe,:  "WELL,  I  ONLY  MEANT  YOU'RE  DISPLAYING  A  GOOD  DEAL  OF  AXKLE." 


I  THE  BATHING-MACHINE  MAN. 

I  "  'AvE  a  nice  bathe  this  morning,  Sir  ? 
•Very  good,  Sir.  Better  take  No.  14 — 
last  but  one  on  the  line,  Sir.  Some  one 
•waiting  for  it  ?  Oh  yes,  Sir— three 
parties — but  they  '11  soon  be  in  and  out, 
|bless  you !  They  're  only  gents. 

"You  can  'ave  No.  7  if  you  please, 
Bir,  only  one  party  waiting  for  that,  as 
foou  say,  but  they  're  females.  You  '11 
[stick  to  No.  14  ?  Eight  you  are,  Sir — 
you  're  very  wise. 

"  Busy  ?  Well,  yes— just  keep  goin'. 
Start  at  daybreak  and  finish  at  mid- 
night, that 's  about  the  size  of  it. 
Golden  'arvest?  Don't  say  too  much 
about  that,  but  we  stand  to  make  a  bit 
Shis  month.  You  forget  the  pore  bath- 
ing man  'as  got  to  live  the  rest  of  the 
year— we  couldn't  do  it,  Sir,  if  our 
wives  wasn't  in  reg'lar  work,  that  we 
couldn't. 

"  No,  me  little  dear.  Can't  let  you 
bathe  for  Id.,  but  you  can  go  in  along 
of  yer  mar  for  2rf.  She  ain't  yer 
mar?  Well,  it  ain't  my  fault,  is  it? 
Ere 's  yer  towel ;  don't  drop  it  in  the 
sand. 

"  What's  that  the  old  gent 's  a-calling 
through  'is  winder  ?  Beg  pardon,  Sir? 


Costume  too  small,  is  it  ?  Very  sorry 
Sir,  but  that  comes  the  biggest  size 
You  'ave  another  try,  Sir. 

"No,  Sir.  The  strikes  don't  affect 
us,  not  as  far  as  yet.  They  can't  turn 
the  sea  off.  No,  I  shan't  strike  myself, 
not  while  you  takes  your  bathing  reg'lar, 
all  of  you.  Shall  I  give  you  a  dozer 
tickets,  Sir  ?  Only  down  for  the  week- 
end ?  Yes,  you  '11  want  'em  all.  Why, 
the  gents  is  going  in  six  times  a  day, 
and  the  ladies  three.  'Urt  'em  ?  Not 
much!  with  the  sea  at  68  and  70 
in  the  shallers. 

Bathe,  Missie  ?  Oh  yes,  it 's  quite 
safe,  no  tide  and  no  rocks  and  no  jally- 
fishes — you  '11  be  all  right — yes,  Missie. 
I  '11  keep  an  eye  on  yer. 

Yes,  Sir,  you  're  right.  The  female 
visitors  look  sweeter  than  ever  this 
year,  though  there  's  something  wrong 
about  the  cut  o'  their  clothes.  Eun  a 
bit  short  o'  material  in  the  gounds — 
and  pawned  the  petticoats.  That 's  'ow 
I  accounts  for  it.  But,  bless  your  life, 
Sir,  though  they  ain't  got  much  to  put 
on,  seemily,  they  take  longer  than  ever 
dressing  theirselves. 

Beg  pardon,  Mum  !  Want  me  to 
go  an'  talk  to  the  ladies  in  No.  3 !  Got 
in  your  machine,  'ave  they  ?  Went  in 


up  the  back,  as  you  was  waiting  at  the 
front,  did  they  ?  No,  Mum,  they  cer- 
tainly didn't  ought  to  'ave  done  that, 
certainly  not !  Never  mind,  Mum,  you 
take  No.  3.  Only  one  party  waiting. 

"What's  this  'ere  thin,  bashful- 
looking  gent  a-wanderin'  about  in  '.'s 
costume  for  ?  Been  in  too  long  by  the 
looks  of  'im.  Lost  your  machine,  'ave 
you,  Sir  ?  Been  trying  to  find  it  for 
twenty  minutes  ?  Dear,  dear  !  Put 
this  'ere  towel  round  you,  Sir.  You 
look  as  if  you  've  baen  kep'  on  the  ice 
for  a  month.  Afraid  of  goin'  in  a 
lady's  by  mistake,  are  yer,  Sir?  Don't 
you  worry,  I  '11  come  along  with  yer. 
They  don't  mind  me  I  Ger 'way,  boys !" 


"Goodrick  in  a  left -arm  Imwler  with  a  decided 
swing  action  from  West  Hartlejiool." 

Bradford  I)<nlij  Trlryrnph. 

This  makes  no  mention  of  the  same 

player's    very    useful    late    cut  from 

Driffield,    or    his    hook    stroke  from 
Lascelles  Hall. 


No  power  shall  extract  from  us  the 
name  of  the  portly  Bishop  who  is  now 
cnown  to  the  irreverent  as  "  Weight 
and  See." 


130 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  23,  1911. 


THE  HOUSE  WARMING. 

V. — UNINVITED  GUESTS. 

"  NINE,"  said  Archie,  separating  his 
latest  victim  from  the  marmalade  spoon 
and  dropping  it  into  the  hot  water. 
"  This  is  going  to  be  a  sanguinary  day. 
With  a  pretty  late  cut  into  the  peach 
jelly  Mr.  A.  Mannering  reached  double 
figures.  Ten.  Battles  are  being  won 
while  Thomas  still  sleeps.  Any  advance 
on  ten  ?  " 

"  Does  that  include  my  wasp  ?  asked 
Myra. 

"  There  are  only  ten  here,  said 
Archie,  looking  into  the  basin,  "and 
they're  all  mine.  I  remember  them 
perfectly.  What  was  yours  like  ?  " 

"Well,  I  didn't  exactly  kill  him. 
I  smacked  him  with  a  teaspoon  and 
told  him  to  go  away.  And  he  went  on 
to  your  marmalade,  so  I  expect  you 
thought  he  was  yours.  But  it  was 
really  mine,  and  I  don't  think  it 's  very 
nice  of  you  to  kill  another  person's 
wasp." 

"  Have  one  of  mine,"  I  said,  pushing 
my  plate  across.  "Have  Bernard- 
he's  sitting  on  the  greengage." 

"  I  don't  really  want  to  kill  anything. 
I  killed  a  rabbit  once  and  I  wished  1 
hadn't." 

"  I  nearly  killed  a  rabbit  once,  and  I 
wished  I  had." 

"  Great  sportsmen  at  a  glance,"  said 
Archie.  "Tell  us  about  it  before  it 
goes  into  your  reminiscences." 

"  It  was  a  fierce  affair  while  it  lasted. 
The  rabbit  was  sitting  down  and  I  was 
standing  up,  so  that  I  rather  had  the 
advantage  of  him  at  the  start.  I  waited 
till  he  seemed  to  be  asleep  and  then 
fired." 

"  And  missed  him  ?  " 

"  Y-yes.  He  heard  the  report,  though. 
I  mean,  you  mustn't  think  he  ignored 
me  altogether.  I  moved  him.  He  got 
up  and  went  away  all  right." 

"A  very  lucky  escape  for  you,"  said 
Archie.  "  I  once  knew  a  man  who 
was  gored  to  death  by  an  angry  rabbit." 
He  slashed  in  the  air  with  his  napkin. 
"  Fifteen.  Dahlia,  let's  have  breakfast 
indoors  to-morrow.  This  is  very  jolly 
but  it's  just  as  hot,  and  it  doesn't  get 
Thomas  up  any  earlier,  as  we  hoped." 

All  that  day  we  grilled  in  the  heat. 
Myra  and  I  started  a  game  of  croquet 
in  the  morning,  but  after  one  shot  each 
it  was  agreed  to  abandon  it  as  a  draw 
— slightly  in  my  favour,  because  I  had 
given  her  the  chippgd  mallet.  And  in  the 
afternoon,  Thomas  and  Simpson  made 
a  great  effort  to  get  up  enthusiasm  for 
lawn  tennis.  Each  of  them  returned 
the  other's  service  into  the  net  until 
the  score  stood  at  eight  all,  at  which 
point  they  suddenly  realised  that  no- 
thing but  the  violent  death  of  one  of 


t'le  competitors  would  ever  end  the 
match.  They  went  on  to  ten  all  to  make 
sure,  and  then  retired  to  the  lemonade 
and  wasp  jug,  Simpson  missing  a 
couple  of  dead  bodies  by  inches  only. 
And  after  dinner  it  was  hotter  than 
ever. 

"The  heat  in  my  room,"  announced 
Archie,  "  breaks  all  records.  The 
thermometer  says  a  hundred  and  fifty, 
the  barometer  says  very  dry,  we  've 
had  twenty-five  hours'  sunshine,  and 
there 's  not  a  drop  of  rain  recorded  in 
the  soap-dish.  Are  we  going  to  take 
this  lying  down  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Thomas,  "  let 's  sleep  out 
to-night." 

"  What  do  you  say,  Dahlia?  " 

"  It 's  a  good  idea.  You  can  all 
sleep  on  the  croquet  lawn,  and  Myra 
and  I  will  take  the  tennis  lawn." 

"  Hadn't  you  better  have  the  croquet 
lawn  ?  Thomas  walks  in  his  sleep,  and 
we  don't  want  to  have  him  going 
through  hoops  all  night." 

"  You  '11  have  to  bring  down  your 
own  mattresses,"  went  on  Dahlia,  "  and 
you  've  not  got  to  walk  about  the  garden 
in  the  early  morning,  at  least  not  until 
Myra  and  I  are  up,  and  if  you  're  going 
to  fall  over  croquet  hoops  you  mustn't 
make  a  noise.  That 's  all  the  rules,  I 
think." 

"  I  "m  glad  we  've  got  the  tennis 
lawn, "said Myra;  "it's much  smoother. 
Do  you  prefer  the  right-hand  court, 
dear,  or  the  left-hand?  " 

"  We  shall  be  very  close  to  nature 
to-night,"  said  Archie.  "  Now  we  shall 
know  whether  it  really  is  the  nightjar, 
or  Simpson  gargling." 

We  were  very  close  to  nature  that 
night,  but  in  the  early  morning  still 
closer.  I  was  awakened  by  the  noise 
of  Simpson  talking,  as  I  hoped,  in  his 
sleep.  However,  it  appeared  that  he 
was  awake  and  quite  conscious  of  the 
things  he  was  saying. 

"  I  can't  help  it,"  he  explained  to 
Archie,  who  had  given  expression  to 
the  general  opinion  about  it ;  "  these 
bally  wasps  are  all  over  me." 

"  It 's  your  own  fault,"  said  Archie. 
"Why  do  you  egg  them  on?  I  don't 
have  wasps  all  over  me." 

"Conf There!    I've  been  stung." 

"  You  've  been  what  ?  " 

"  Stung." 

"Stung.     Where?" 

"In  the  neck." 

"  In  the  neck."  Archie  turned  over 
to  me.  "  Simpson,"  he  said,  "  has  been 
stung  in  the  neck.  Tell  Thomas." 

I  woke  up  Thomas.  "  Simpson,"  I 
said,  "  has  been  stung  in  the  neck." 

"  Good,"  said  Thomas,  and  went  to 
sleep  again. 

"  We  've  told  Thomas,"  said  Archie. 
"  Now  are  you  satisfied  ?  " 


"  Get  away,  you  brute,"  shouted 
Simpson  suddenly,  and  dived  under 
the  sheet. 

Archie  and  I  lay  back  and  shouted 
with  laughter. 

"  It 's  really  very  silly  of  him,"  said 
Archie,  "  because — go  away — because 
everybody  knows  that — get  away,  you 
ass  —  that  wasps  aren't  dangerous 

unless — confound  you — unless I 

say,  isn't  it  time  we  got  up  ?  " 

I  came  up  from  under  my  sheet  and 
looked  at  my  watch.  "  Four-thirty," 
I  said,  dodged  a  wasp,  and  went  back 
again. 

"We  must  wait  till  five-thirty,"  said 
Archie.  "  Simpson  was  quite  right ;  he 
was  stung,  after  all.  I  11  tell  him  so." 

He  leant  out  of  bed  to  tell  him  so,  and 
then  thought  better  of  it  and  retired 
beneath  the  sheets. 

At  five-thirty  a  gallant  little  party 
made  its  way  to  the  house,  its  mat- 
tresses over  its  shoulders. 

"  Gently,"  said  Archie,  as  we  came 
in  sight  of  the  tennis-lawn. 

We  went  very  gently.  There  were 
only  wasps  on  the  tennis-lawn,  but  one 
does  not  want  to  disturb  the  little 
fellows.  A.  A.  M. 

THE    CUSTOM    HOUSE. 
THE  Custom  House  in  Billingsgate 
Is  very  large  and  very  great, 
All  summer  its  electrics  swish 
To  dissipate  the  smell  of  fish. 

Outside  the  streets  are  glaring,  grim, 
Inside  it 's  cool  and  wide  and  dim, 
And  all  its  rooms  have  swinging  doors, 
And  disinfectants  on  the  floors. 

From  its  front  windows  one  may  see 
The  Thames  as  muddy  as  can  be ; 
Its  clerks  are  very  cross  and  sour, 
And  keep  you  waiting  half-an-hour. 

But  you  may  watch  the  tramps  go  by 
For  Christiansund  or  Uruguay, 
Or  read,  what  most  my  fancy  stirs, 
The  "  Notices  to  Mariners." 

These  tell  of  buoys  and  lights  and  quays, 
For  those  in  "  peril  of  the  seas," 
They  caution  captains,  and  convict 
The  sunken  shoal  or  derelict. 

And  as  you  read  them  you  may  reach 
A  Greenland  floe,  a  coral  beach, 
The  breeze  that  stirs  the  tamarinds,    j 
Or  rushing,  grey  Atlantic  winds. 

And  so  the  Custom  House,  you  see, 
Seems  quite  a  pleasant  place  to  me ; 
I  won't  mind  waiting — no,  not  I, 
An  hour  beneath  an  August  sky. 

"The  Street  Committee  recommended — 
'  That  the  Great  Western  Railway  Company  be 
requested  either  to  allow  busmen  and  carmen 
into  their  premises  at  Newrath  or  not  to  allow 
them  into  the  premises  at  all.'  " 

The  Wcderford  Times. 

One  way  or  the  other,  please. 


AUGUST  23,  1911.]  PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABL 


INFANT  PRODIGIES. 

THE  July  number  of   the  American 
Magazine  Contains  an  interesting   ac 
count    by    Professor   WIENER  of    thi 
exceptionally  early  mental  developmen 
of  his  son  NOBBERT.     When   he  was 
eighteen    months   old,  "  his   nurse-gir 
one   day   amused    herself    by   making 
letters   in   the   sand   of   the   seashore 
She  noticed  that  he  was  watching  her 
attentively,  and  in  fun  began  to  teach 
him   the   alphabet.     Two   days   after 
wards   she   told   me  in  great  surprise 
that   he  knew  it   perfectly.     Thinking 
that    this    was   an    indication    that    ii 
would  not  be  hard  to  interest  him  in 
reading,  I  started  teaching  him  how  to 
spell  at  the  ago  of  three.    In  a  very  few 
weeks   he  was  reading  quite  fluently 
and  by  six  was  acquainted  with  a  num- 
ber of  excellent  books,  including  works 
by  DARWIN  EIBOT,  and  other  scientists 
which  I  put  into  his  hands  in  order  to 
instil  in  him  something  of  the  scien- 
tific spirit." 

Private  inquiries,  conducted  at  great 
expense  by  one  of  Mr.  Punch's  most 
trusted  representatives,  have  resulted 
in  the  gratifying  discovery  that  this 
precocity  is  by  no  means  confined  to 
denizens  of  the  Great  Eepublic,  but  has 
been  displayed  by  several  of  England's 
greatest  living  luminaries. 

At  the  tender  age  of  fourteen  months 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  electrified  his  nurse 
by  enunciating  in  a  clear  treble  voice 
the  startling  sentiment,  "  A  hereditary 
aristocracy  is  a  contradiction  in  terms 
and  is  doomed  to  speedy  extinction." 
With  these  words  he  seized  his  toy 
spade — the  incident  occurred  on  the 
sands  at  Llandudno — and  demolished 
an  elaborate  sand  castle  which  he  had 
erected  by  his  unaided  exertions. 

Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL,  at  the  age 
of  two,  petrified  his  tutor  by  com- 
mitting to  memory  the  whole  of 
GIBBON'S  monumental  history,  and  tak- 
ing the  Emperor  JULIAN  as  his  hero 
and  model.  In  his  third  year,  however, 
he  developed  strong  pietistic  tendencies, 
and  during  a  summer  holiday  spent  on 
Dartmoor  immersed  himself  in  Pastoral 
Theology,  and  translated  the  Septuagint 
into  the  Devonshire  dialect.  At  the 
age  of  five  he  was  admitted  into  an 
Orange  Lodge,  but  quitted  it  after  a  few 
weeks  and  declared  himself  a  supporter 
of  Mr.  PAENELL.  While  serving  as  a 
volunteer  in  the  Expeditionary  Force 
;o  Egypt  in  1882,  he  was  converted  to 
Unionism  and  remained  rooted  in  this 
leresy  until  1905. 

Mr.  LULU  HARCOURT'S  pronounced 
democratic  tendencies  manifested  them- 
selves at  an  unusually  early  age.  Thus 
n  the  choice  of  playmates  he  evinced 

marked  preference   for   children   of 


"WOULD  YOU  RECOGNISE  THE  BAND  TIII.S  MOHNINO,  Sin!" 
"No;  is  IT  ONE?" 


lumble    origin,    and   in   moments    of 
xpansion  would  even  go  so  far  as  to 

allow  them   to  play  with   his   superb 

diamond-hilted  gold  rattle.  It  is  under- 
tood  that  his  parents'  decision  to  send 
lim  to  Eton  caused  him  deep  grief,  as 
t  was  his  dearest  desire  to  go  to  a 
ward-school,  and  his  antipathy  to 

aristocratic  surroundings  found  vent 
n  the  expression  of  opinions  which 
hocked  his  tutor  inexpressibly.  Always 

a  convinced  believer  in  the  simple  life, 
le  adopted  a  Spartan  rigour  in  his  diet, 
eldom  indulging  in  more  than  five  ices 

at  a  time  and  only  partaking  of  caviare 
wice  or  at  most  three  times  a  week. 

Another  distinguished   Etonian,  Sir 
IUBERT    PARRY,   was    noted    for    his 


musical  precocity.  The  first  time  he 
ever  heard  a  donkey  bray  he  was  in  bis 
bath,  being  then  only  eight  months 
old,  and  he  immediately  sang  the 
interval  of  the  submerged  tenth — that 
given  out  by  the  quadruped  —  with 
startling  fidelity.  Three  moo  ths  later  he 
was  able  to  play  all  15 ACH'S  Forty-eight 
Preludes  and  Fugues  on  a  mouth-organ. 
He  mastered  the  penny  whistle  in  a 
single  afternoon,  and  after  that  never 
looked  back.  Taking  his  Mus.  Bac. 
degree  before  he  went  into  knicker- 
bockers he  immortalized  himself  at 
Eton,  where  he  was  captain  of  the 
Wall  team,  by  inventing  a  new  method 
of  kicking  the  ball  backwards,  to  which 
he  gave  the  name  of  the  contra-punt. 


132 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVA1M. 


[AUGUST  23,  1911. 


AN    OLD    BALL. 

A   GOLF   IDYLL. 

\VKI.L,  you  shall  have  the  story  of  the  ball. 

It  seems  a  curious  trophy,  does  it  not, 

To  keep  among  my  treasures  of  the  past 

In  yonder  cabinet  ?     Scarred,  battered,  gashcJ, 

Spoiled  with  ignoble  usage  of  the  club, 

Old-fashioned,  too— ah  me,  I  had  almost 

Forgotten  it  was  there.     But  you  shall  hear. 

I  was  not  ever  scratch,  as  I  am  now. 

Far  from  it.     Through  a  long  novitiate 

My  golf  was  vile ;  and  gods,  how  I  could  slice ! 

That  was  at  once  my  shame  and  my  despair ; 

Shame  for  the  dangers  that  I  cast  abroad, 

Despair  of  that  eternal  "  rough,"  the  time 

I  spent  in  looking  for  the  balls  I  lost, 

The  money  that  I  lost  in  losing  them, 

Not  to  say,  temper. 

One  wild  afternoon 

Into  a  crosswise  wind  I  drave.     The  ball 
Leapt  from  the  tee  and  swung,  like  one  possessed, 
In  mad  abandonment  towards  the  off, 
Where,  on  a  green  impossibly  remote, 
(Or  so  it  seemed)  in  awkward  stance  there  stood 
A  maiden  putting.     Round  that  fairy  form 
The  strange  thing,  hissing  like  a  Catherine  wheel, 
In  lessening  spiral  rushed — against  that  form 
Rudely  impinged,  and  so  accosted  earth. 

And  thither,  to  retrieve  that  cursed  ball, 

I,  with  disarming  smile  and  cap  in  hand, 

A  mincing  shape  of  crushed  apology, 

Approached,  and  made  expressions  of  remorse 

Such  as  a  maid  might  swallow.     Her  three  friends 

Darkly  opposed  me  with  a  hostile  glare ; 

But  not  so  she.     She  heard  me  to  the  end  ; 

Then  raised  her  eyes — eyes  of  a  most  deep  blue — 

And  said  it  didn't  matter,  and  forgave. 

So  for  the  nonce  I  left  her.     All  that  round, 

I  could  not  keep  my  mind  upon  the  game, 

Or  eye  upon  the  ball.     Of  her  I  thought, 

Her  voice,  her  smile,  her  pardon,  and  I  played 

On  with  the  ball  that  smote  her,  hewed  and  hacked, 

And,  at  the  close,  'twas  as  you  see  it  now. 

But  when  the  round  had  ended  in  defeat 
At  the  club  house  I  met  her,  and  I  learned, 
She,  too,  was  a  beginner.     I  proposed 
A  match,  the  first  of  many.     Day  by  day 
In  pleasing  concord  of  inferior  golf 
We,  being  equal  in  our  lack  of  skill, 
Together  ploughed  the  ineffectual  sand, 
Harried  the  sod,  and  laboured  through  the  rough, 
While  each  in  healing  sympathy  consoled 
The  other's  failures  with  "  Oh,  crushing  luck," 
"  Hard  lines,"  and  "  Ah,  th'  abominable  lie," 
And  all  such  kindly  flatteries,  till,  at  last, 
(Both  being  bunkered  at  the  fourteenth  hole) 
I  told  her  that  I  loved  her.     She  was  kind. 
And  in  that  bunker  we  became  engaged. 

So  for  a  pleasant  season  all  was  well. 
But,  of  a  sudden — how  I  know  not — I 
Began  to  get  the  better  of  my  ball ; 
Put  off  the  novice  ;  and,  of  my  success, 
Was  born  the  baffling  magic  of  the  game. 
I  grew  impatient  at  the  loss  of  time 
Spent  in  retrieving  balls  from  that  vile  rough 


Wherein  she  sliced  them— slicing  was  her  fault, 

It  was  ridiculous — and  I  began 

To  pine  for  foes  more  worthy  of  my  skill, 

To  ieel  some  ire  at  being  thus  kept  back 

By  an  inferior  player.     I  proposed 

To  give  her  lessons.     She  resented  that. 

Indeed,  it  bred  a  coolness;  and,  at  last, 

(She  being  bunkered  at  the  fourteenth  hole) 

We  had  some  words,  and  parted,  not  in  peace. 

She  sent  me  back  my  presents.     They  were  few. 
I  had  not  known  her  long  enough  for  more. 
A  ring,  a  dressing-case,  a  set  of  clubs, 
Some  cunning  treatises  upon  the  game, 
"  Golf  for  Beginners,"  "  Illustrated  Faults  " 
And  others  that  1  gave  her  for  her  good ; 
And,  with  the  rest,  a  gashed  and  battered  ball, 
My  earliest  gift,  the  scarred  and  sacred  thing 
Through  whose  wild  office  we  were  introduced. 

DuM-Dun. 

WHAT   THE    PUBLIC  WANTS. 

THE  editor  of  The  Gorgeous  Monthly  sat  at  his  desk  and 
turned  the  pages  of  his  last  issue.  "  Can't  understand  it !  " 
he  muttered. 

"  What  can't  you  understand  ?  "  asked  the  office-boy. 
(He  was  a  new  office-boy.) 

The  editor  frowned.  Then,  relenting,  he  handed  his  copy 
of  The  Gorgeous  Monthly  to  the  office-boy.  "  Look  at  it ; 
look  at  it !  "  he  said.  "  Wouldn't  you  give  fourpence- 
halfpenny  for  that  ?  " 

The  office-boy  did  look  at  it.  He  read  the  Contents, 
which  ran  as  follows : — 

MY  TiE-PiNS.  An  absorbing  account,  by  M.  Dirien 
Babillard,  the  world-famous  International  Detective,  of  the 
Gifts  graciously  bestowed  upon  him  by  Eoyal  Personages 
whom  he  has  guarded.  Illustrated  by  45  beautiful  photo- 
graphs specially  taken  for  The  Gorgeous  Monthly.  (Copy- 
right in  U.S.A.) 

MR.  BUFFLE'S  BATHING-MACHINE.  A  Very  Funny  Story 
of  the  Seaside.  By  the  favourite  humourist,  Wermwode 
Toombes. 

SHOULD  WIFEY  PROVIDE  THE  PEAM  ?  A  delightful 
Domestic  Causerie  by  six  well-known  Actresses.  An 
article  of  absorbing  interest  to  all  intelligent  women. 

THE  AEROPLANE  ASSASSIN.  (The  third  of  the  Thrilling 
Series  of  Modern  Mysteries  contributed  by  our  Special 
Crime  Investigator.) 

THROUGH  SERINGAPATAM  ON  STILTS.  The  Story  of  a 
Strange  Wager.  With  authentic  photographs  of  the 
Intrepid  Traveller. 

MIGGS  MINOR,  MOLLYCODDLE.  A  Public  School  Tale, 
proving  that  the  spirit  which  won  Waterloo  still  inspires 
our  British  Boyhood.  By  Edith  Tomlinson. 

PICTURES  THAT  PAIN.  A  Virile  Attack  on  the  "  Art "  (?) 
of  the  Day.  Fully  Illustrated  by  Eeproductions  of  some  ot 
the  works  which  the  Author  suggests  should  be  Destroyed 
by  the  Nation. 

STELLA'S  LOVER.  A  Charming  Summer  Romance  by 
Caroline  and  Arthur  Drivelle. 

"Pretty  good,  isn't  it?"  asked  the  editor.  "You'd 
think  it  would  fetch  'em.  But  it  don't.  Circulation  's  still 
dropping.  I  can't  understand  it.  It  must  be  that  we  're 
hit  by  the  flood  of  trashy  sevenpenny  reprints." 

"  That  must  be  it,"  agreed  the  office-boy. 

It  behoves  office-boys  to  be  discreet;  so  he  hid  his 
tattered  "Treasure  Island"  in  his  desk  and  went  back  to 
the  typewriter. 


Ar':rvi "•"•  l:m  1TNCU   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Li.U.1  hiiL/i-<  i 


"\VL-.-,:.M;-N  !    IT'S  REEDEECULOUH  FOP.  YE  TAB  THISK  o'  wuu  KEEKFU'  <;KAR!" 
"Hours,  MUX!    DIXXA  YE  SEE  IT'S  JUST  MADE  wi'  ADOOT  IIAI-K  THE  MATERIAL!' 


SAUCE    OF   THE    SEA. 
(To  almost  any  Maritime  Landlady.) 

O'i,  not  the  virtues  of  the  air, 

Though  that,  of  course,  is  extra  bracing, 
Have  charmed  us  most,  my  lady  fair, 
In  these  apartments  rich  and  rare 

The  briny  sea-front  facing. 
And  greatly  as  we  loved  the  golf, 

And  cared  not  though  that  hearty  drunkard 
The  high  Nor'-Easter  put  us  off, 
And  placed  us  in  the  hopeless  trough 

Where  all  bad  drives  are  bunkered  : 

Not  these — nor  yet  the  sheer  delight 

Of  floating  where  tli«  sea-mew  flickers, 
Of  tussling  with  the  breaker's  might 
(The  town  forgotten) — wearing  tight 
Vermilion-coloured  knickers : 

Not  these,  I  say,  though  all  were  grand, 

Enraptured  so  a  brace  of  quiet 
Young  gentlemen  at  Slush-on-Strand 
As  this — the  savour  of  the  sand, 

You  mingled  with  our  diet. 

At  first  we  did  not  care  for  it : 

Unused  to  so  sublime  a  relish, 
Wo  grumbled,  when  we  came  to  grifc 
Our  grinders  on  a  hefty  bit 

Of  foreshore,  saying  "  Hellish." 


But  by-and-by  we  came  to  see 

Its  tonic  wortli ;  we  ceased  to  cavil ; 
We  took  two  spoonfuls  with  our  tea, 
We  crunched  it  in  our  cake  with  glee, 
We  gloated  on  the  gravel. 

Our  faces  blossomed  like  the  peach, 

We  've  told  your  tiny  daughter  Elsie 
To  put  us  up  a  pint  for  each 
Of  Slush-on-Strand's  salubrious  beach 
To  carry  home  to  Chelsea. 

But  still,  O  lady  of  the  fads 
And  somewhat  statuesque  proportions, 

Have  mercy  on  a  pair  of  lads 

What  time  your  artless  fancy  adds 
The  total  of  extortions. 

Eemeinber,  though  we  bad  our  fill, 
Whate'er  the  usual  price  per  plate  is, 

It  costs  you  absolutely  nil. 

So  do  not  charge  it  in  the  bill, 
But  put  down  "  Sea-shore  gralts." 

EVOE. 

===^=^= 

1  Lord  Wamlswortb  is  one  of  the  Liberal  peers  who  before  hi* 
elevation  to  the  jieora^e  gat  in  the  House  of  Commons  for  the  Stow- 
market  Division  of  Suffolk  for  four  years,  after  several  unsuooessftil 
xttcmpts  to  enter  Parliament." — ll'atiuiiuter  Gnztttt. 

The   custom   is   rather  dying   out    now    among   Liberal 

ceors. 


134 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON^CHARIVARI.  [AUGUST  23.  1911. 


'  I  SAY,    WHAT  A   LOT   OF   COD   LlVEll   OlL  THEY   MUST   HAVE   GIVEN  YOU  !  " 


ODE  TO  A  MOUTHFUL  OF  SEA-WATER  TAKEN 
INVOLUNTARILY. 

THOU  sloppy  spilth  of  bitter  Stygian  floods ! 

Thou — thou — just  wait  until  I  've  ceased  to  splutter, 

Just  wait  a  bit,  I  say,  and  I  will  stutter 

Those  terse,  tremendous   words   which    strong   men 

mutter 

(E.g.,  what  time  they  strive  with  dress-shirt  studs), 
And  I  will  think  those  things  one  does  not  utter 
But  simply  chews  as  cows  their  juicy  cuds, 
And  keeps  in  close-locked  lips  like  canker-worms  in  buds. 

Some  moments  since  I  think  you  would  not  find 
A  happier  than  I :  the  sun  was  beaming, 
The  sea  and  my  strong  cleaving  arms  were  gleaming, 
The  gulls  (and  all  the  lady  bathers)  screaming, 

The  air  was  warm  and  Nature  seemed  most  kind. 
And  then — then  as  I  wallowed,  idly  dreaming, 

A  little  wave  came  unawares  behind 
And  slopped  Thee  down  my  throat,  superlatively  brined. 

O  sudden  sorry  sickening  effect ! 

O  cruelly  unkind  iconoclasm  ! 

What  grievous  gulp,  what  nauseating  spasm, 

What  tainted  void,  and  oh !  how  sour  a  chasm 
Hast  Thou  enforced  !    What  pleasure  hast  Thou  checkt ! 

Such  are  my  feelings  now,  and  whoso  has  'em 
Feels  that  his  joie  de  vivre  is  wholly  wreckt : 
At  least  I  do,  who  felt  just  now  a  man  elect. 


For  fair  Sabrina  at  my  votive  hands — 

Sabrina  with  a  charming  bathing  dress  on — 
Had  promised  to  receive  a  swimming  lesson : 
Most  wonderful,  although  I  must  confess  on- 
erous of  duties  !     As  the  matter  stands 

I  would  as  gladly  fire  a  Smith-and-Wesson 
Straight  at  my  heart :  Sabrina's  sweet  commands 
Tempt  me  far  less  than  do  the  unsubmerged  sands. 

It  is  enough.     I  do  not  ask  for  more. 

The  sea  has  lost  its  bright  attractive  shimmer, 
And  since  (for  I'm  no  really  ewagger  swimmer) 
I  ope  my  mouth  to  breathe,  another  brimmer 

Will  doubtless  find  admission  as  before. 

I  feel  Thy  inward  presence  growing  grimmer, 

Rumours  arise  of  fierce  internal  war, 
And  hateful  is  the  dark  blue  sea.     Here 's  for  the  shore. 


From  a  letter  in  The  Times  of  India  :  — 

"They  had  seen  a  ray  of  hope  dawn  on  the  horison,  but  now  they 
have  begun  to  feel  that  the  said  ray  was  nothing  more  than  the  dilusory 
lake  in  the  desert  of  Sarah." 


We  have   often 
express  it. 


felt   this,   but  have  never  been   able  to 


"As  the  grandson  of  the  greatest  poet  of  the  Victorian  era  we 
should  have  read  'A  Portentous  History '  for  the  sake  of  the  name  that 
it  bears  on  its  title-page." — C.K.S.  in  "  The  Sphere." 

We  must  try  to  get  the  collected  works  of  Mr.  SHOETEB'S 
grandfather. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI^,,,,.,...  23.  1911 


THE    SPIRIT    OF    UNREST. 

POLICE  CONSTABLE.  "  WHO   HAVE  I  GOT  HEBE  ?    WHY,  A  BOTTLE-THROWING  HOOLIGAN." 
MB.  PUNCH.  "  MARCH  HIM  OFF ;      THAT  '8   THE    WORST    ENEMY   OF   LABOUR.     YOU  'YE 
DONE    YOUR    DUTY,    AS    YOU    ALWAYS    DO." 


AI-GUST  23,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON   CIIAlilVAllI. 


ESSENCE     OF     PARLIAMENT. 
EXTRACTED  KKOM  THE  UIAHY  OK  TOBY,  M.P. 


House  of  Commons,  Nomlaij, 
Uth  August. — In  Committee  of 
Supply  CHANCELLOR  moves  vote 
for  mere  trifle  over  a  quarter 
of  a  million  for  payment  of 
Members'  salaries.  Exception 
taken  with  respect  to  form  of 
procedure.  Urge.  I  that  proposal 
should  be  presented  as  a  Bill, 
not  a  Resolution.  TIM  HEALY 
agrees,  but  explains  that  if  that 
course  had  been  adopted  the 
Bill  would  have  gone  on  to 
Lords,  who  in  present  temper 
might  have  thrown  it  out. 
A  Resolution  passed  through 
Committee  of  Supply  would  not 
come  before  them. 

CHANCELLOR  OP  EXCHEQUER 
blushed.  Hoped  that  perhaps 
nobody  would  have  thought  of 
that. 

In  able  speech  delivered  last 
Thursday,  when  question  first 
came    before    House,    ARTHUR 
LEE  gave  illuminating  particu- 
lars of  how  an  Australia  appetite 
in  this  matter  grows  with  what 
it  feeds  upon.    The  Member  for 
Sark,  supporting  WOLMER'S  motion  to 
reduce  vote  by  £100,000,  showed  how 
in  France  development  is  even   more 
advanced.      To    begin    with,    French 
Deputes  voted  themselves  annual  wage 
of  9,000  francs,  equal  to  £350  English. 
Four  years  ago  proposal  was  suddenly 
sprung  upon  the  Chamber  to  increase 
the  amount  to   15,000   francs  (£600). 
On   what   Deputes  lament  as    a   snap 


division  the  motion  was   carried 
remains  in  force  to  this  dav. 


and 


"Here  conies  along  BOOTH  with  conundrum.' 
(Mr.  F.  HANDEL  BOOTH.) 


LLOYU  (iKORGE    c.    AND    B.    HEALY. 
"  Chancellor  of  Exchequer  blushed." 

Members  of  the  Right  and  Right 
Centre  find  double  satisfaction  in  the 
episode.  From  their  place  in  the 
Chamber  they  hotly  denounced  spolia- 
tion of  National  Purse ;  privily  they 
pocket  the  extra  6,000  francs.  The 
Parisians,  who,  otherwise  helpless,  are 
ever  ready  to  avenge  themselves  by 
launching  a  mot,  scornfully  call  the 
Deputes  "  les  Quinze  Milles." 

Business  done.— House  of  369  Mem- 
bers resolve  by  majority  113  to  pay 
themselves  salary  of  £400  a  year. 

Tuesday.  —  Already  payment  of 
Members  turns  up  with  controversial 
point.  Resolution  adopted  yesterday 
authorised  allotment  "  to  Members  not 
in  receipt  of  salaries  as  Ministers  or 
officers  of  the  House."  Here  comes 
along  BOOTH  with  conundrum  sub- 
mitted to  Chair.  When  is  a  Minister 
not  a  Minister?  Are  the  PATRONAGE 
SECRETARY  and  the  FINANCIAL  SECRE- 
TARY TO  THE  TREASURY,  together  with 
whole  batch  of  Under-Secretaries, 
Ministers  within  meaning  of  Resolu- 
tion ?  If  not,  will  they,  in  addition  to 
receipt  of  salary,  pocket  £400  a  year  ? 

For  once  SPEAKER  baffled. 

"  They  certainly  are  not  Ministers  of 
the  Crown,"  he  said.  "  Whether  they 
are  Ministers  or  not  I  should  not  like 
to  say.  I  must  take  legal  advice  on 
that  matter." 

Pretty  to  see  row  of  Under- 
secretaries crowding  Treasury  Bench 
bending  forward  to  catch  SPEAKER'S 


ruling.  Not  for  them  to  move 
in  the  matter.  Nobody  hintH 
at  such  a  thing  as  their  having 
pat  up  BOOTH  to  raise  question. 
They  don't  ask  for  more  than 
their,  possibly  inadequate, 
salaries  paid  quarterly.  But 
they  feel  it  behoves  them  to 
set  the  example  of  discipline 
and  obedience  to  authority.  If 
their  more-than-ever  esteemed 
colleagues,  the  ATTORNEY- 
GENERAL  and  the  SOLICITOR- 
GENERAL,  would  be  so  good 
as  to  advise  the  KI-KAKKH  tin!. 
not  being  Ministers  of  the 
Crown,  they  shall  be  subjected 
to  indignity  of  having  forced 
upon  them  an  additional  wage 
of  £400  a  year— well,  all  they 
can  say  is  that  they  are  not  the 
men  to  add  to  embarrassment 
of  their  beloved  chief,  especially 
1  heavy  at  the  moment,  by  raising 
difficulties. 

Business  done. — Committee  of 
Supply  closed.  Appropriation  Bill 
brought  in  and  read  first  time. 

Wednesday.— PRINCE  ARTHUR 
gone  off  to  Gastein,  leaving  his  flock 
shepherdless.  What  affects  spirits  of 


"BOADICEA"  TAKES  OVER  THE 

LEADERSHIP 

"  You  can  already  almost  hear  the  s\\  i.-li  of  her 
chaiiot-scythes  uu  >ng  the  enrmy." 
(Mr.  ROWLAND  Hrsr.) 


138 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  23,  1911. 


the  more  sensitive  is  circumstance  that 
before  departing  he  did  not  leave  them 
a  lingering  word  of  farewell,  nor  exhibit 
any  sign  of  the  sweet  sorrow  which  part- 
ing from  devoted  friends  ever  brings. 

Happily  ROWLAND  HUNT,  the  Man 
from  Shropshire,  is  with  us.  Promptly 
takes  up  the  crook  dropped  from  othei 
hands;  the  sheep,  looking  up,  are  com- 
forted by  assurance  that  they  will  be  fed. 

A  Party  having  of  late  gone  through 
some  tribulation  is  cheered  by  arrange- 
ment perhaps  understood  rather  than 
defined.  Whilst  in  the  Commons 
PBINCE  ARTHUR  has  been  chivied  because 
he  would  not  join  movement  leading  to 
swamping  House  of  Lords  with  puppet 
peers,  LANSDOWNE  has  besn  openly 
accused  of  treachery,  his  authority  as 
Leader  denounced.  Party  fortunate  in 
such  dire  dilemma  to  have  at  hand 
two  capable  substitutes.  With  WIL- 
LOUGHBY  DE  BROKE  .  leading  Oppo- 
sition in  the  Lords,  and  BOWLAND  HUNT 
filling  same  post  .an  the  Commons, 
Unionists  may  well  buck  up. 

Business  done  —  BOWLAND  HUNT 
severely  cress-examines  SEELY  as  to 
numerical  force  of  Territorials.  He, 
however,  graciously  permits  Appropri- 
ation Bill  to  be  read  a  second  time. 


PERSONALITIES  OF  THE  LAW. 
(From  the  Layman's  Point  of  View.) 

THE  JUDGES. 

THESE  are  neither  born  nor  made. 
They  are  a  class  apart,  not  subject  to 
the  ordinary  rule  of  human  existence. 
The  first  remark  that  Mr.  JUSTICE 
SWIXFEN  EADY  .made,  upon  assuming 
the  outward  form  of  a  common  male 
baby,  was  "Bring  me  an  Equity  of 
Redemption,  please,"  and  someone 
immediately  did  so  in  f;ar  and 
trembling.  What  is  admired  in 
Counsel  who  dares  to  withstand  a 
Judge  of  the  High  Court  is  just  that 
touch  of  bravado  which  King  CANUTE 
lacked.  As  for  the  inseparable  and 
infallible  trio,  Lords  Justices  YAUGHAN 
WILLIAMS,  FLETCHER  MOULTON  and 
BUCKLEY,  breath  cannot  be  sufficiently 
bated  to  spsak  of  them  at  all.  One 
dare  only  fesl  a  secret  pity  for  men 
who  can  have  never  known  the  pleasure 
of  doing,  saying,  thinking  or  feeling 
anything  wrong. 

THE  JURY 
also  is  neither  born  nor  made.  It  is 
one  of  those  unfortunate  and  inex- 
plicable things  which  have  happened 
and  cannot  be  helped.  Its  entire  com- 
petence is  limited  to  the  one  extra- 
ordinary capacity  for  believing  im- 
plicitly any  old  lie. 


THE  BAR  :  KING'S  COUNSEL. 
There  are  only  two  King's  Counsel. 
Their  names  are  Sir  EDWARD  CARSON 
and  F.  E.  SMITH.  There  was  once, 
indeed,  a  man  whose  name  was  EUFUS 
ISAACS.  He  showed  promise,  but  be- 
came Attorney-General. 

THE  JUNIOR  BAR. 

This  consists  of  a  number  of  men 
from  twenty-five  to  twenty-eight  years 
of  age,  all  destined  for  the  Woolsack. 
One  by  one  they  despair  of  success 
and  are  just  about  to  give  in  altogether, 
when  their  great  opportunity  comes. 
A  beautiful  wife  murders  an  ugly  hus- 
band, who  richly  deserved  all  he  got. 
The  briefless  junior,  next  on  the  rota 
for  promotion,  is  briefed  by  an  intelli- 
gent solicitor  for  the  defence.  Amidst 
a  tense  silence  the  junior  rises  to 
address  a  jury,  already  determined  to 
convict.  The  first  word  of  the  junior 
makes  them  waver :  the  second  turns 
them  round,  and  the  third  leaves  them 
clamouring  for  an  acquittal.  The  face 
in  the  dock  gets  paler  and  paler:  the 
hush  gets  tenser  and  tenser:  somebody 
faints :  the  junior  is  made  a  K.C.  on 
the  spot  and  it  is  forgotten,  in  the 
general  excitement,  that  the  lady  dLl 
murder  tha  man.  That,  however,  is 
not  important.  Considering  the  regu- 
larity of  this  occurrence,  it  is  odd  how 
persistently  the  number  of  K.C.s  sticks 
at  two. 

THE  SOLICITORS. 

All  solicitors  are  rascals.  The  fact 
that  they  work  from  9.30  A.M.  to  6  P.M. 
on  three  hundred  days  of  the  year 
makes  one  suspect  something  of  this 
sort.  The  fact  that  they  expect  to  be 
paid  for  it  leaves  no  room  for  doubt. 
I  have  it  on  the  authority  of  a  company 
promoter,  who  makes  eight  thousand  a 
year  without  ever  going  near  his  office 
n  the  City,  that  all  Eolicitors  are 
rascals. 

THE  PLAINTIFF. 

This  is  the  man  who  appears  to  be 
salpably  too  good  to  live,  until  it  comes 
;o  his  cross-examination.  During  that, 
it  is  clear  to  everyone,  including  him- 
self, that  he  were  better  dead. 

THE  DEPENDANT. 

During  the  first  part  of  the  case,  this 
man  is  fully  occupied  in  marvelling  how 
people  can  bring  themselves  to  tell  such 
;ross  and  wicked  lies  with  such  obvious 
ease.  During  the  second  half  of  the 
:ase,  he  is  generally  occupied  in  dis- 
;overing  that  the  telling  of  lies  is  not 
such  an  easy  matter  as  he  supposed. 
THE  WITNESS. 

To  be  a  witness  is  to  discover  for  the 
irst  time  what  a  blackguard  you  have 
}een  in  the  past,  without  knowing  it. 
It  is  also  to  discover  that  very  few 
people  love  you,  and  no  one  trusts  you. 


If  the  witness  happens  to  be  yourself, 
however,  you  have  the  permanent 
sitisfac'.ion  of  knowing  that  you  scored 
off  everybody,  and  particularly  off  the 
unscrupulous  fool  who  cross-examined 
you  and  was  one  too  few  for  you. 

THE  USHER. 

The  point  of  view  of  the  Usher  is 
entirely  detached  and  pessimistic.  He 
has  no  illusions  and  no  faith  in 
humanity.  He  spends  his  life  in 
saying  "  Hush,  hush  !  "  and  expecting 
no  result.  There  was  once  an  usher 
who  smiled,  but  he  was  very  young  and 
only  just  beginning. 

THE  MAN  IN  THE  DOCK 
is  always  innocent,  and 

THE  POLICE  CONSTABLE 
is  never  telling  the  truth. 


MAEINE   METAMORPHOSIS. 
A  MODERN  maid  of  high  degree 
One  day  went  bathing  in  the  sea. 
Her  toilette  (g'ace  with  insertion) 
Seeired  too  expensive  for  submersion. 
But  first  with  rounded  cheeks  and  care 
She  filled  her  water-wings  with  air. 
And  slippingsamebeneath  each  shoulder 
Allowed  the  surges  to  enfold  her. 
Till,  well  beyond  the  shining  strand, 
She  swam  (with  one  foot  on  the  sand). 

Now,  as  the  maiden  was  arriving 
Close  to  a  springboard  meant  for  diving, 

A  young  Greek  god  in  bathing  kit 
With  easy  grace  climbed  on  to  it. 

His  curls  were  clust'ring  gold  and  shiny, 
His  eyes  were  azure  as  the  briny. 

His  build  was  clean,  his  skin  was  tanned, 
He  looked  accustomed  to  command. 

The  maiden,  swimming  by,  as  stated, 
Was  absolutely  captivated. 

And,  struck  by  this  and  other  things, 
She  promptly  lost  her  water  wings. 
At  first  it  seemed  a  real  disaster, 
They  floated  seaward,  fast  and  faster, 

Until  with  trudgeon  stroke  astute 
The  Greek  god  started  in  pursuit. 

How  anxiously  she  watched  his  dear 

head 
Go  bobbing  almost  to  the  pier  head. 

He  brought  them  back,  and  quite  pooh- 
poohed 
Her  shy  but  heartfelt  gratitude. 

She  was  enraptured  that  she'd  seen  a 
Delightful  Deus  ex  machind. 

She  felt  in  fact  she  'd  met  her  fate, 
He,  only,  was  her  bosom's  mate. 

To  meet  again,  her  soul  was  maddened, 
But  when  they  did,  she  wishsd  they  j 
hadn't, 

For  down  her  rainbow  castle  fell — 
He  was  the  "  Boots  "  at  her  hotel. 


AUGUST  23,  1911.  | 


OR    THE   LONDON    CHAIMVAI5I. 


139 


EVENING    PAPERS,    PLEASE 
COPY. 

I  WAS  wandering  idly  in  Greenwich 
Park,  late  in  the  afternoon  of  one  ol 
these  hot  days,  when  I  cam3  upon  him 
He  was  seated  in  the  shade  of  the 
Observatory,  and  was  noticeable  not 
only  for  his  long,  white  heard,  which 
would  have  drawn  attention  to  him 
anywhere,  but  for  a  certain  anger  in 
his  mien,  unusual  in  so  aged  a  man 
In  one  hand  he  held  a  halfpenny  even- 
ing paper,  which  a  boy  had  just  sold 
him,  and  beside  him  was  a  scythe,  left 
as  I  conjectured,  by  one  of  the  park 
men. 

i  was  strolling  quieily  by  when  he 
called  to1  me.  "You,  Sir,  you  know 
London,  perhaps  ?  Tell  me  frhis,  Sir,' 
and  he  shook  the  paper  fiercely  at  me 
as  though  I  was  its  editor. 

I  stopped  and  listened  for  more. 

"  This,  Sir,"  he  said,  pointing  his 
thumb  at  a  lozenge  in  the  top  right- 
hand  corner  of  the  first  page.  "  What 
does  it  say  ?  Your  eyes  are  stronger 
than  mine." 

"It  says,"  I  replied, '"6.30 edition.'" 

"There!"  he  exclaimed,  with  the 
first  suggestion  of  satisfaction  in  hi-s 
tone.  "  Then  I  'm  not  going  blind. 
'6.30'?  Very  well,  Sir.  And  now 
will  you  kindly  add  to  your  courtesy 
by  telling  me  what  your  watch  says?  " 

I  pulled  out  my  watch  and  found 
that  it  was  twenty  to  seven. 

He    grunted.      "  Now    one    farther 
question,"  he  said.     "  How  far  is  th 
printing  office  of  this  paper  frcm  the 
place  where  we  are  now  talking  ?  " 

I  hazarded  eight  miles. 

He  grunted  again.  "  That  is  to  say," 
he  remarked,  "  that  half  an  hour  at 
least  would  be  required  to  get  the  paper 
to  Greenwich  purchasers  ?  " 

"Quite,"  I  said. 

He  raged  again.  "And  I  bought  it," 
he  said,  "a  quarter  of  an  hour  ago!" 
He  was  furious.  His  old  eyes  blazed, 
his  old  chesks  crimsoned,  his  old  beard 
crisped  and  curled.  "So  it 's  a  lie," he 
shouted,  "  this  '  6.30 ' — a  lie  1  " 

"  I  'm  afraid  it 's  a  little  misleading," 
I  said. 

"A  lie,  I  call  it,"  he  continued. 
"  Don't  mince  words,  Sir.  No  doubt 
you  who  live  in  London  are  prepared 
for  theso  swindles.  You  have  no 
objection  to  false  pretences.  You  are 
not  offended  by  being  asked  a  half- 
penny for  news  up  to  6.30  and  getting 
it  only  up  to  5.45.  But  I  am,  and  for 
a  very  good  reason.  It 's  an  attack  on 
me,  Sir.  It  hurts  me  personally.  It 
undermines  my  reputation.  It  ruins 
my  credit.  I — I  won't  stand  it,  Sir. 
Something  must  be  done." 
He  was  trembling  with  fury,  and  I 


WHAT   AN    HOUR    MAY   BRING    FORTH. 


\ 


She,    "HOW     DELl'JHTFULLY     FKE.SII! 
RAILWAY." 


12  o'clock. 

WHAT   A   D:FFEI:EXCS   TO   TUB   COCCID,   srcrrv 


1  o'clock. 
She  (in  dreamy  voitc).  "WiiES  DID  YOU  SAT  THAT  THAIS  LEFT  SOUTHAMPTON  t' 


moved  farther  away.    It  was  odd  to  find 
him  making  it  such  a  personal  matter. 

"  Do  you  hear  me,  Sir  ?  "  he  roared. 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  I  do.  But  it 's 
nothing  to  do  with  me.  I  'm  not  the 
responsible  person." 

"  Yes,  you   are,  Sir,"  he  answered. 

1  So  long  as  you  buy  these  untruths 

and  do  not  revolt,  you  are  responsible, 

and  don't  you  forget  it.     It 's  gone  too 

ar.     6.30  indeed  !  " 

And   he  rose  muttering,  flung  the ' 
japer  down,  stamped  on  it,  and  moved 
away. 

I  was  too  much  surprised  to  follow ; 
nit  I  was  more  surprised  still  when  I 
saw  that  he  had  in  his  rage  absent- 
wndecHy  put  the  scythe  over  his 
shoulder. 


Our  Novelists. 

had  hU  hands  at  Kurtiss's  throat 
just  as  a  dog  goes  at  the  throat  of  another  dog." 
Story  in  " London  Maya:. 

"  He  might  not  have  been  so  instantly  »nre 
of  the  reduudant  figure  which  lay  face  dowii- 
wards  on  the  rug,  had  there  not  come  to  him 
a  waft  of  distinctive  perfume,  which  told  him 
that  the  prone  Ixxly  was  tint  of  his  wife, 
Maude  Montfort. " 

Serial  in  "  Tlie  Story  Journal." 

"Then  for  a  time  they  were  again  silent, 
while  Helen,  with  that  feeling  of  infinite  joy 
which  is  experienced  for  the  first  time  «ln-n 
love's  first  kiss  is  still  warm  ii|»n  a  woman's 
lips,  rested  her  head  upon  her  lover's  shouM.  i 
in  supreme  contempt. 

(To  be  concluded.)" 
Serial  in  "  The  Ketttring  Leader." 

It  will  nesd  all  the  concluding  instal- 
ment to  explain  away  that  last  word. 


no 


PUNCH,   Oil   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  23,  1911. 


THE    STRIPED  PERIL. 

THE  recent  outbreak  of  wasp-activity  lias  at  last  roused 
popular  opinion.  Looking  ahead  wo  an'icipate  some  such 
extracts  as  the  following  from  an  issue  of  The  Daily 
Telejrapli  in  the  near  future  :— 

GOVERNMENT  AND  THE  WASPS. 

Mr.  CHOSE  (U.)  asked  the  PRIME  MINISTER  whether  his 
attention  had  been  called  to  the  case  of  an  elderly 
gentleman  in  South  Warwickshire,  who  was  wantonly 
attacked  by  wasps  when  breakfasting  al  fresco  in  his  own 
grounds,  and  whether,  in  view  of  this  event,  he  proposed 
to  take  any  steps  to  safeguard  the  lives  and  property  of 
private  citizens.  (Opposition  cheers.) 

Mr.  LLOYD  GEOHGK,  who  replied,  said  that  the  whole 
matter  was  at  present  engaging  the  earnest  attention  of 
His  Majesty's  Government. 

Mr.  WBDGWOOD  (It.) :  Will  the  right  lion,  gentleman 
see  that  in  any  arrangements  come  to  the  right  of  the 
British  wasp  to  sting  remains  untouched  ? 

Mr.  KEIK  HARDIE  asked  the  Home  Secretary  whether  it 
was  the  fact  that  on  the  occasion  in  question  marmalade 
was  employed  by  the  breakfasters,  and  whether,  having 
regard  to  the  notoriously  inflammatory  influence  of  this 
practice  on  wasps,  he  would  take  measures  to  render  it 
penal,  and  to  confiscate  all  stores  of  Ui3  compound  at 
present  in  the  hands  of  private  owners?  (Labour  and 
Ministerial  cheers.) 

Mr.  CHURCHILL  :  I  trust  that  no  special  steps,  of  this  or 
any  other  kind,  will  now  be  necessary. 

Mr.  J.  R.  MACDOXALD  (Labour) :  Has  the  right  hon. 
gentleman  any  information  as  to  how  the  incident  com- 
menced, and  will  he,  in  view  of  the  unanimous  opinion,  on 
one  side  of  the  House,  that  the  wasps  are  being  unfa'rly 
treated  (cries  of  "  Oh  ! ' )  have  the  Warwickshire  gentleman 
arrested  at  once,  and  a  special  inquiry  made  into  the  conduct 
of  the  local  police  ? 

Mr.  CHURCHILL:  No,  Sir.     (Opposition  cheers.) 

From  the  leading  Article. 

"  The  deplorable  and  indeed  scandalous  facts  which  we 
publish  to-day,  together  with  the  discussion  in  the  House 
of  Commons,  as  reported  in  another  column,  may  well  give 
reasonable  men,  of  whatever  political  complexion,  pause. 
Far  indeed  be  it  from  us  to  create  party  capital  out  of  a 
situation  as  menacing  as  any  in  which  this  country  has 
found  itself  during  centuries ;  but  the  stern  fact  remains 
that  history  will  know  what  interpretation  to  place  upon 
the  extraordinary  and  lamentable  supinencss  of  the  present 
so-called  Administration.  Enough !  The  Veto  Bill  has 
come  and  gone,  but  the  wasps  remain,  and  their  presence 
provides  at  once  a  problem  and  a  trumpet-call  to  the  leaders 
and  press  of  the  great  Conservative  party,  of  which  we 
shall  be  surprised  indeed  if  they  prove  unworthy.  Let 
Mr.  BALFOUB  once  declare  himself  as  the  unwavering 
champion  of  open-air  tea  drinkers,  and  we  are  convinced 

that  the  battle  is  already  in  our  hands " 

COBBESPOXDENCE. 

THE  VICARAGE,  BUZZINGTON. 

DEAR  SIR,  —  In  view  of  the  unprotected  state  of  the 
country-side  at  the  present  moment,  it  may  interest  your 
readers  to  know  that  my  wife  and  I  have  been  obliged  to 
take  the  law  into  our  own  hands,  and  procure  the  assist- 
ance of  two  highly-trained  and  powerful  hornets.  These 
intrepid  and  intelligent  little  die-hards,  whom  we  have 
named  respectively  Garvin  and  Effi.e,  have  for  the  past 
week  kept  our  breakfast  room  entirely  free  from  intruders. 
I  am,  Sir,  Yours  faithfully, 

(REV.)  R.  SPALDING. 


DEAR  Siu, — Much  as  I  was  interested  in  your  recent 
correspondent's  account  of  his  method  of  wasp  extermina- 
tion, 1  still  think  my  own  at  once  the  morj  sporting  and 
deadly.  Having  filled  several  shallow  jars  with  a  mixture 
in  equal  parts  of  curacoa,  raspberry  jam,  and  Ono's  fruit 
salt,  I  place  these  in  an  exposed  position  on  rny  lawn,  at  a 
calculated  distance  from  a  9'7  gun  which  was  presented  to 
me,  as  their  commander,  by  the  local  yeomanry  at  the 
conclusion  of  the  Boer  War.  Having  thus  baited  the 
ground  I  have  but  to  wait  until  the  enemy  has  assembled 
in  sufliciently  dense  formation,  load  my  weapon  with  small 
duck-shot,  and  bang  into  the  yellow. 

Yours,  etc., 

"READY,  AYE  READY." 

DEAR.  SIR, — My  personal  way  with  wasps,  which  I  have 
found  invariably  successful,  is  to  hit  at  them  with  a  tea- 
spoon and  scream  loudly.  Somebody  is  then  almost  certain 
to  come,  and  either  drive  them  away  or  at  least  distract 
their  attention.  I  have  no  doubt  there  must  be  manv 
women  who  will  be  glad  to  Isarn  of  this  simple  and  effective 
expedient. 

Yours  very  sincerely, 

"  WHY  SHOULD  WOMEN  WAIT?" 


TO    AN    UNJUST    JUDGE. 

THE  sun  was  shining  brightly  o'er  the  lea, 
And  pretty  little  songbirds  flew  about, 

And  everything  was  happy  as  could  be 

Till  I  received  a  ball  upon  the  knee, 

And  you  were  umpire,  and  you  gave  me  oul;. 

O  stonyhearted,  have  you  never  caught 

Your  first  delivery  a  frightful  blow, 
A  splendid  boundary,  perhaps,  and  thought, 
"  Now  they  shall  see  me  scoring  as  I  ought," 
And  then  been  suddenly  compelled  to  go  ? 

If  you  have  taken  one  upon  the  knee, 
And  lost  the  verdict,  as  I  hope  you  have, 

With  your  Maria  watching,  you  '11  agree 

That  it  was  very,  very  hard  on  rne 

With  mine,  my  Helen,  sitting  in  the  pav. 

You  know  how  poisonous  my  luck  has  been, 
What  with  the  googly  and  the  latest  lob, 

You  know  that,  though  particularly  keen, 

Whenever  Helen  is  upon  the  scene, 

I  'm  out  for  four — or  two — or  simply  blob. 

This  was  the  day  to  fill  her  heart  with  pride, 

And  then  you  do  a  silly  thing  like  that, 
Knowing  the  ball  was  simply  yards  outside, 
(Myself,  I  should  have  given  it  a  wide), 
And,  anyhow,  I  hit  it  with  the  bat. 

Yet  in  my  heart  I  thank  you  for  the  deed, 

The  ball  which  followed  had  a  nasty  twist ; 
It  shot  past  Bunnie  at  a  fear.'ul  speed, 
Laying  his  wicket  prone  upon  the  mead, 
And  I  should  certainly  have  been  dismiss "d. 

But,  having  told  her  what  I  think  of  you 
And  your  decision,  I  shall  feel  consoled, 
When  Helen  murmurs,  taking  up  the  cue, 
"Oh,  how  unfair,  dear!" — which  she  couldn't  do 
If  I  had  been  just  obviously  bowled. 

"There  is  no  doubt  that  the  King  of  Spain  is  devoted  to  .vui-htinjj. 
and  it  was  noticed  that  his  hands  are  quite  blistered  from  holding  the 
rudder  of  the  Hiiqmnia." — l>uily  Mai/. 

Clinging  to  the  rudder  under  water  must  be  very  cool  and 
jolly.  ...... 


2-i.    1!M1.] 


BAI^ADF,    OF    AUGUST. 

No\\    when    tlie  street-pent  airs  blow 
stale 

A  longing  stirs  us  as  of  yore 
To  take  the  old  Odyssian  trail, 

To  bond  upon  the  trireme's  oar 

For  islec  I  si .  earn  and  hill-bound  shore ; 
To  lay  asifle  tlio  dirty  pen 

For  summer's  blue  and  golden  store 
'Neath  oth?r  skies,  'mid  stranger  ni<  n  ' 

Then  let  tlio  rover's  call  prevail 

That  opss  for  us  the  enchanted  door, 

That  hids  us  spread  the  silken  sail 
For  bays  o'er  which  the  seabirds  soar 
And  foam-flecked  rollers  pitch   am 
roar, 

Where  nymph  maybe,  and  mormaiden 
Come   bsachwa  d   in  the  moon-rise 
hoar, 

'Neath  other  skies,  'mid  stranger  men 

Blue-eyed  Calypsos,  Circes  pale 

(The  snge  who  shuns  them  I  abhor) 

These— for  a  fortirght — shall  not  fail 
To  thrill  the  heart's  susceptive  core, 
To  bind  us  with  their  ancient  lore, 

Who  rather  like  to  listen  when 
Sweet-lipp'd   the   sirens  voice  theii 
score, 

'Neath  other  skias,  'mid  stranger  men ! 

ENVOY. 

Masters,  who  sssk  the  minted  ore, 
It 's  only  August  now  and  then, 

Ah,  take  the  Wanderer's  way  once  more, 
'Neath  other  skies,  'mid  stranger  men ! 


A  MARRIAGE  MARRED. 
IT  had  all  happened  in  fivo  minuter 
And  now,  the  line  in  the  local  paper 
that  had  turned  the  hearts  of  Hortensia's 
friends  into  incubators  of  envy,  and 
filled  with  exaltation  Hortensia's  own, 
came  home  to  roost  and  rankle — 

"Tlie Chappy  couple  will  proceed  for  their 
honeymoon  to  tlio  Italian  Lakes —fit  setting 
for  a  poet  and  his  brido." 

There  was  nothing  w.ong  with  the 
Italian  Lakes.  They  had  been  heaven 
— until  five  minutes  ago.  The  post 
could  be  sesn  in  a  boat  at  the  foot  of 
the  olive-clad  hill  even  now,  awaiting 

a  signal  of  her  coming. 

And  yet  Hortensia  gazed  out  over  the 
waters  beyond  him,  with  the  despair  of 
lisillusionment  in  her  drear  dramatic 


,„;     T,IK     L()X1)()X 


eyes. 

She  turned  over  agiin  the  rustling 

)apers  on  her  lap.  les,  there  was  no 
doubt  of  it.  This  was  a  draft  of  the 

etter  he  had  written  her  the  day  before 
the  wedding.  That,  of  tli3  one'he  had 
ssnt  on  her  birthday.  They  were  all 

here.     She  had  co:no  across  them  as, 

n  all  innocence,  she  had  gone  to  his 
desk  to  ssek  a  missing  pen.  She  had 
'•ut  lifted  the  lid,  and  they  had  stared 


1'assrr-by  (to pap?r  scavenger).   "Nie'E  EASY  JOB,  THAT?" 

J'njirr  fiaivriigcr.   "EASY?    WHY,   I'VE  BEEN  TIIYINO  TO  OET  »IY  MICK   IXTO  TIIIH   'EIIE 

HECK   OK    I'AI'Ell   FOR  THE   LAST   'AI.F    'ol'll  Oil   MOI1E  ;     NllorLUX'T   WONHEl:    IF   I    II  VI.  To    I'll  K 

IT  rr  WITH  ME  'AXIIS  AFTER  AI.I.  !" 


out  at  her.  What  she  had  considered 
as  the  natural  expression  of  a  poet's 
beautiful  thoughts  and  fancies — tum- 
bling one  over  the  other  in  their  eager- 
ness to  be  recorded — lay  revealed  before 
her  the  acknowledged  outcome  of  the 
laboured  forcings  of  a  tortured  brain. 

The  copies  were  scored  and  scored 
again,  corrected  and  re- written. 

That  phraso  now,  that  had  so  pleased 
aer — of  the  night  he  watched  outside 
ler  window — "  When  you  put  out  your 
amp,  the  glow-worm  under  the  rose- 
bushes lighted  his,  and  with  him  for 
watchman  I  left  you  secure."  Why ! 
.he  man  had  had  six  shots  at  it. 

And  in  that  other  one.she  had  been  a 

shy  mouse,"  a  "  timid  sparrow,"  and 
leaven  knows  what,  bsfore  he  had  hit 
ipon  the  '•  hawk-affrighted  dove  "  ! 

Oh,  it  was  horrible.  She  had  been 
.ricked — entrapped.  The  "  poet  "  was 
just  an  industrious  man. 


"  Bah  !  "  burst  out  Hortensia,  ns  she 
bundled  the  papers  into  the  waste-paper 
basket — "  Bah  !  I  almost  wish  I  had 
married  Johnny  Tomkins." 

*  c  » 

The  unsuspecting  biid.-groom  mean- 
while was  watching  the  glittering 
wavelets  of  the  lake  all  around  him — 
poetic  and  in  psace. 

"  I  shall  tell  her— I  shall  tell  her  it 
was  like  the  widespread  sea  of  her 
rippling  hair,"  he  murmured,  after 
much  thought. 

And  with  disastrous  consequences 
he  did. 


"An  interesting  evreiiiony  took  |.l.i.  ••  nt  the 
Ifftgmn GlMniQM  S'li.»<»l  on  Tursdiiv  morning, 
when  the  headniaxter  watt  presents!  with  11 
Murk  nmrhle  dining-room  from  the  master* 
and  Htair. " — A'rirnrk  /frruM. 

This  is  the  sort  of  gift  that  ought  to  be 
endowed. 


142 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  23,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

Frobisher  Thaile  was  a  self-absorbed  and  super-cultered 
gentleman  who  collected  rare  things  and  talked  about  them 
unendingly,  to  the  martyrdom  of  his  wife  and  daughter, 
especially  daughter.  So  when  Patience  went  on  a  visit  to 
a  German  garrison  town,  and  was  there  fallen  in  love  with 
by  a  jocund  and  entirely  unartistic  officer,  she  found  the 
change  so  fascinating  that  she  decided  to  marry  him. 
That  is  the  first  half  of  Her  Husband's  Country  (HEINE- 
MANN)  ;  the  disillusionment  of  Patience  (who  by  the  way  is 
very  ill-named)  makes  up  the  rest  of  an  amusing  and 
brightly  written  story.  SYBIL  SPOTTISWOODE,  as  you  will 
probably  remember,  has  told  us  one  or  two  of  these  Anglo- 
German  tales  before  ;  but  none  better  than  this.  The  life 
of  poor  Patiense  as  Fran  Leutnant  von  Eabenstcdt,  and  the 
society  of  Stelnitz  in  general,  is  most  entertainingly  drawn; 
perhaps  of  all  the  scenes , — 
the  one  I  liked  most  was 
that  in  which  the  young 
couple  are  welcomed  home 
from  the  honeymoon  to 
the  little  flat  so  lovingly 
prepared  and  famished 
for  them  by  kind  old  Fiau 
Trcuberg.  Stuffiness,  and 
the  general  horror  of  hope- 
lessly uncongenial  sur- 
roundings, could  hardly 
be  better  conveyed.  Of 
course,  through  it  all  I 
have  an  uneasy  feeling 
that  I  should  like  to  read 
a  real  German  story  giving 
the  other  side;  but  that 
is  another  matter.  Per- 
haps indeed  (though  I 
suspect  not)  it  was  the 
author's  sense  of  fairness 
which  led  her,  in  intro- 
ducing two  English  people 
at  a  critical  moment  in 
Patience's  affairs,  to  make 
them  talk  like  impossible 
prigs.  Still  it  remains 
a  thoroughly  jolly  book,  which  will  find  lots  of  friends. 


catastrophe  was  broken  to  her  should  fulfil  every  require- 
ment of  the  most  vindictive  reader.  Though  I  should 
perhaps  hardly  regard  The  Real  Mrs.  Holyer  as  a  realistic 
presentment  of  contemporary  life,  it  is  at  least  excellently 
entertaining  as  fiction. 


I  've  always  thought  the  '45, 

The  year  which  brought  the  YOUNG  PRETENDER, 
Was  understood  to  be  alive 

With  battle-cries  of  "  no  surrender  "  ; 
Yet,  if  you  take  it  day  by  day, 

As  SUTCLIFFE,  in  The  Lone  Adventure 
(From  UNWIN),  I  regret  to  say 

You  '11  note  a  flaw  in  the  indenture. 

I  looked  for  hourly  thrills,  and  found, 

While  CHARLIE  marched  with  GEORGE  pursuing, 
For  quite  three-quarters  of  the  ground 
Much  high-flown  talk,  but  little  doing ; 

Indeed,    if    nothing    else 

occurred 
More  lively  than  is  here 

related, 

I  give  it  as  my  final  word 
The  '45  is  overrated. 


THE  WORLD'S   WORKERS. 

IV. — AN  ENTHUSIASTIC  MEMBER  OF  THE  PHARMACEUTICAL  SOCIETY  TESTING 
THE  PROPERTIES  OF  A  NEW    UUAIN   FOOD. 


It  seems  probable  that  the  fascination  of  the  Cinderella 
story  will  never  be  exhausted.  Apparently  Mrs.  FRANCIS 
CHANNON  shares  this  view,  since  in  The  Real  Mrs.  Holyer 
(HuTCHiNSON),sbe  allows  us  a  double  dose  of  the  Cinderella 
joy — the  joy,  that  is,  of  watching  the  good  person  trampled 
upon,  with  a  comfortable  certainty  of  her  ultimate  resilience. 
Margery  Lennard  gave  me  this  pleasing  emotion  twice,  both 
as  the  persecuted  governess  in  the  horrid  Croome  household, 
when  I  knew  that  Denzil  Holyer  was  really  in  lova  with  her 
and  not  with  haughty  Flora  Groom? ;  and  when,  consider- 
ably later,  as  Denzil' s  poor  and  snubbed  widow,  she  turned 
out  to  be  a  real  ladyship  and  mother  of  a  lord.  Another 
reason  that  should  rightly  make  lor  the  popularity  of  an 
entertaining  story  is  the  melodramatic  completeness  with 
which  the  ugly  sisters  (so  to  speak)  ara  routed  at  the  end — 
a  detail  in  which  I  have  sometimes  found  such  tales 
disappointing.  Flora,  was.  still  sustaining  this  character, 
as  she  had  meantime  married  the  gentleman  who  sup- 
posed himself  to  have  inherited  the  title  actually  belonging 
to  Margery's  little  son.  The  way  in  which  this  final 


When  I  arrived,  after 
careful  perusal,  at  page 
317  of  A  Sercshan  (MILLS 
AND  BOON)  and  there 
read :  "  What  with  Gorgey 
advancing  on  Komorn,. 
while  fiaab  is  in  their 
hands  again,  old  Every- 
where-and-Nowhere  Bern 
smashing  us  in  Transyl- 
vania, and  Perczel  mak- 
ing hay  of  our  Serbs  in 
the  south,  we  're  in  a 
pretty  bad  way,"  I  be- 
came suddenly  aware  that 
I  had  no  idea  who  or 
what  Gorgey,  Komorn, 
Raab,  Bern,  Perczel  and 
the  Serbs  might  be.  No 
doubt  I  am  a  very  ignor- 
ant fellow,  and  careful 
reference  to  an  atlas  and  an  encyclopaedia  from  time  to  time 
would  have  kept  me  informed  as  to  what 'the  military  part  of 
the  story  was  all  about;  but,  what  with  the  heat  and  innate 
laziness,  I  looked  to  Mr.  M.  HARTLEY  to  tell  me  himself. 
Nor  can  I  understand  his  point  of  view.  If  he  supposed 
I  did  not  know  all  about  German,  Hungarian,  Austrian  and 
Croatian  back-history,  why  did  he  not  give  me  some  con- 
nected account  of  such  of  it  as  was  relevant?  If  he 
supposed  I  did  know  all  about  it,  why  did  he  .fill  two- 
thirds  of  his  book  with  the  merest  and  least  graphic  precis 
of  casual  and  inconsequent  incidents  of  it  ?  The  remaining 
one-third  made  pleasant  reading ;  indeed,  the  romance  of 
Mirko  and  Persida,  of  Lambert  and  Juliana  and  of 
Jellachich  and  ambitious  patriotism,  might  have  been 
quite  engaging  had  it  not  been  interrupted  so  continually 
by  the  rest. 


From  the  Instructions  to  Passengers  on  the  Kronprin- 
zessen  Cecilie  : — 

"Music.     The  ships  band  will  play  every  morning  from   10  to  11 
on  the  promenade-deck  and  in  the  dinning  room  during  supper. " 

Many  a  true  word  spoken  in  misprint. 


AUGUST  30,  1911.] 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

SUGGESTED  motto  for  the  success- 
ul  peace-makers: — Small  commissions, 
,nd  quick  returns. 

By-the-by,    we    hear    that    several 
strikers  who  had  decide:!  to  take  their 
amilies   to   the   sea-side   made   some- 
thing of  a  scene  because  the  Companies 
tiad  not  provided  trains  for  them. 

-.;:     •.;: 

•-:= 

We  onae  saw  a  well-known  Total 
Abstainer  who  was  hurrying  to  catch 
a  train,  forced  to  stop  by  the  ropes 
whicli  were  letting  down  a  barrel  of  beer 

nto   a   public-house  cellar.     His  feel- 

ngs  must  have  been  somewhat  akin  to 
those  of  the  policemen  who  during  the 
strike  had  to  escort  a  number  of  boxes 

iontaining  strike-pay  from 
Euston  Station  to  the  men's 

icaJquarters. 

It  is  thought  that  the 
recent  Railway  Strike  will 
jive  an  immense  impetus  to 
iviation,  and  the  men  are 
anxious  to  have  their  next 
strike  before  the  public  can 
nap  their  aeroplanes  at 

them.  ..;;     :;: 

"  The  strike  is  not  the 
end  of  all  things,"  says 
Mr.  G.  N.  BARNES,  M.P. ; 

it  is  only  the  beginning." 
The  beginning,  we  take  it, 
of  the  end  of  all  things. 


day,  was,  when  opened,  found  to  contain 
not  only  a  good-sized  fish  but  also  a 
moorhen.  ^  ^ 

The  REGISTRAR  GENERAL  reports  a 
marked  daclina  in  the  marriage  rate  for 
the  first  tbrea  months  of  this  year.  It 
is  thought  just  possible  that  the  hobble 
skirt  and  the  big  hat  may  have  failed 
to  attract,  and  the  effect  of  a  change  of 
fashion  will  be  watched  with  interest. 

: 

"  Do  our  livers  lack  gall  that  we  stand 
paralysed  while  treason  flourishes  ?  Are 
there  so  few  men  and  so  plentiful  supply 
of  old  women  that  pluck  and  courage 
are  dead  letters  in  our  Party  ?  If  so, 
for  Heaven  and  the  Empire's  sake  let 
the '  Forwards'  form  a  party  of  their  own 
and  emulate  HENRY  V.  at  Agincourt."— 


portion  of  his  household  effects,  several 
persans  being  struck  by  the  falling 
furniture.  We  cannot  imagine  a  more 
subtle  form  of  revenge  than  this. 

D 

It  is  now  thought  that  LEONARDO  DA 
VINCI'S  famous  painting,  La  Joconde, 
may  not  have  been  stolen  after  all.  It 
may  merely  have  been  taken  as  a 
memento  by  an  American  visitor  to  the 
Louvre.  ^  ^ 

* 

From  Kentucky  comes  the  news  that 
a  negro  murderer  who  had  been  legally 
sentenced  to  death  struggled  in  the 
death  chair  for  almost  half  an  hour 
before  the  electrocution  was  effective. 
The  inhumanity  of  the  thing  is  said  to 
have  made  a  marked  impression  on 
lynchers  all  over  the  country. 


Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  has 
promised  that  the  Govern- 
ment will  introduce  a  Bill 
next  year  giving  the  rail- 
way companies  the  right  to 
increase  their  rates.  There  will 
be  no  excuse  for  slow  trains. 


"WOT,     YOUNG     UN,     BEEN     BATHING ! 
MAKES   YER  LOOK   LIKE  A  AMAfHUER." 


DONCHEB    DO    IT    AGAIN  :      IT 


then 


The  mystery  of  the  initials  "  G.  B." 
which  appeared  on  the  Dock  Strike 
Committee's  permit  to  the  General  Post 
Office  has  at  last  been  cleared  up.  It 
seems  that  they  stood  for  "  Gosling 
Bex." 


•'••  * 

* 


Some  idea  of  the  warmth  of  feeling 
displayed  at  Liverpool  may  be  gained 
from  the  fact  that  even  the  threat  that 
unless  hostilities  ceased,  the  Lancashire 
v.  Essex  cricket  match  would  be  played 
at  Manchester  instead  of  at  Liverpool, 
failed  to  have  the  desired  effect. 

:;;     :;; 

Cautious  folk  were  not  slow  to  take 
precautions  against  the  threatened 
famine.  Nor  were  such  measures  con- 
fined to  human  beings.  The  Express 
tells  us  that  a  pike  which  was  caught 
at  Farcet,  Huntingdonshire,  the  other 


Extract  from  a  letter  in  The  Observer 
from  a  Die-Hard,  advocating  a  petition 
for  the  repeal  of  the  Parliament  Act. 

V 

"  In  order  to  escape  the  public  agita- 
tion against  his  marriage  with  Miss 
Madeleine  Force,"  we  read  in  The  Daily 
Mail,  "  it  is  reported  that  Colonel  J.  J. 
Astor,  the  divorced  millionaire,  has 
decided  to  have  his  wedding  on  his 
private  yacht."  If  the  rumour  be  true 
this  insolent  flouting  of  newspaper 
reporters  may  have  more  serious  results 
than  the  Colonel  imagines.  It  is  quite 
on  the  cards  that  it  might  lead  to  the 
absolute  ignoring  of  the  couple  in  the 
future  by  the  entire  American  Press. 
*~* 

Made  angry,  it  is  stated,  by  being 
refused  drink  at  a  neighbouring  public- 
house,  the  occupier  of  a  house  in 
Townley  Street,  Walworth,  returned 
home  and  expended  his  anger  in  throw- 
ing from  the  windows  a  considerable 


BLUE  ROSES. 

SHEPHERD  in  delicate  Dres- 
den china. 
Loitering  ever  the  while  you 

twine  a 
Garland  of  oddly   azure 

roses, 
All  for  a  shepherdess  passing 

fair ; 

Poorlittle  shepherdess  wait- 
ing there 
All  the  time  foryour china 

posies, 

Posies  pale  for  her  jet-black 
hair! 

Doesn't  she  wait   (oh  the 

anxious  glances !) 
Flowers    for  one   of   your 

stately  dances, 
A  crown  to  finish  a  dainty 

toilette, 

(Haven't  the  harps  just  now 
— '         begun, 

Minuets  'neath  a  china  sun  ?) — 
Doesn't  she  dread  that  the  dust  may 

soil  it, 
When,  oh  when  will  the  boy  be  done  ? 

Summer  and  winter  and  still  you  linger, 
Laggard  lover  with  lazy  finger, 

Never  your  little  maid's  wreath  com 

pleting, 

Still  half-strung  are  its  petalled showers; 
Must  she  wait  all  her  dancing  hours, 

Wait  in  spite  of  her  shy  entreating, 
Wait  for  ever  her  azure  flowers  ? 


"About  a  weok  ago  a  paragraph  appeared  in 
this  i»per  that  the  body  of  a  Chinaman  had 
been  found  in  the  Impounding  Reservoir.  Some 
people  may  have  thought  too  much  of  this,  anil 
on  enquiry  it  is  a  relief  to  be  assured  that  i 
wasn't  a  Chinaman  but  a  Kling,  and  the  Iwdv 
wasn't  in  the  Reservoir  at  all,  but  a  hundred 
yards  away,  and  down  hill  at  that." 

Singapore  free  Pros. 

The  only  person  who  isn't  really  re 
lieved  is  the  Kling. 


144 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI^ 


[Auoi-sT  30,  1911. 


LOVE    AND    AGE. 

"  LOVE  is  not  like  anything  else,  it  is  quite  d  iff  rant.  It 
is  better  than  lessons  or  dancing  or  swimming  but  it  is  not 
quite  as  good  as  stroberries  or  riding  or  jam.  When  you 
want  to  keep  other  girls  away  from  a  boy  then  you  are  in 
love  with  him  but  you  must  not  kiss  him.  You  must  run 
away  from  him  but  he  geneiiy  catches  you  becaus  boys 
can  'run  faster  than  girls.  1  have  been  in  love  three  times 
but  I  dont  care  much  about  it  its  such  a  truble.  When 
boys  are  in  love  they  dont  talk  much  but  they  stand  and 
look  at  you,  then  they  send  you  a  present  sometimes  its  a 
prarebook  or  about  pirates  and  desert  ilands.  I  think  they 
are  silly."  

These  words  are  taken  from  the  unfinished  MS.  of  The 
Adventures  of  Isabel,  a  novel  obviously  designed  on  the 
grand  old  deliberate  plan  by  a  young  lady  of  nine.  There 
are  only  three  pages  of  it,  but  beyond  the  opening  state- 
ment that  "Isabel  was  formelly  the  dauter  of  a  poor  widow, 
she  was  in  love  with  Algernon,"  there  is  no  reference  to  the 
heroine  or  her  adventures.  The  rest  consists  of  moralisings 
and  philosophical  disquisitions.  There  can  be  no  doubt  as 
to  the  essential  truth  and  insight  of  the  passage  I  have 
ventured  to  quote.  It  shows  an  almost  deadly  com- 
prehension of  the  essentials  of  the  tender  passion  as  dis- 
played, not  merely  by  boys  and  girls,  but  also  by  those 
who  either-^'  run  away  "  or  "  stand  and  look  at  you  "  at  a 
more  advanced  stage  of  life. 

It  might  be  interesting  to  enquire  what  is  the  earliest  age 
at  which  love  can  show  itself.  Boys,  I  believe,  are  more 
precocious  than  girls  in  this  insanity.  The  little  novelist 
already  quoted  evidently  despised  the  whole  silly  business, 
and  assigned  to  it  its  proper  place,  above  dancing,  but 
below  "•  stroberries."  At  the  age  of  nine  a  boy  might  well 
b3  in  love.  DANTE  was  only  nine  when  he  saw  BEATRICE 
and  fell  in  love  with' .'her,  and  CANOVA  used  to  say  that  he 
perfebtly  well  remembered  having  been  in  love  when  but 
five  years  old.  I  draw  these  historical  examples  from  a 
note  to  MOORE'S  Life  of  Byron, 


BYRON  himself  was,  at  the  age  of  s.even,  madly  in  lovo 
with  M^RY  DUFF.  In  a  journal  kept  by  him  at  the  age  of 
twenty-five  he  writes  :  "  I  have  been  thinking  lately  a  good 
deal  of  Mary  Duff.  How  very  odd  that  I  should  have  been 
so  utterly,  devotedly  fond  of  that  girl  at  an  age  when  I 
could  neither  feel  passion  nor  know  the  meaning  of  the 
word. '  And  the  effect !  My  mother  used  always  to  rally 
me  about  this  childish  amour ;  and  at  last,  many  years 
after,  when  I  was  sixteen,  she  told  me  one  day, '  Oh,  Byron, 
1  have  had  a  letter  from  Edinburgh,  from  Miss  Abercromby, 
and  your  old  sweetheart  Mary  Duff  is  married  to  a  Mr. 
Coe.'  And  what  was  my  answer  ?  I  really  cannot  explain 
or  account  for  my  feelings  at  that  moment ;  but  they  nearly 
threw  me  into  convulsions,  and  alarmed  my  mother  so 
much  that  after  I,  grew  better  she  generally  avoided  the 
subj  ;ct — to  me — and  contented  herself  with  telling  it  to  all 
her  acquaintances." 

"  I  had  and  have  been  attached,"  he  continues,  "  fifty- 
times  since  that  period  " — pretty  good  this,  by  the  way,  for 
a  youngster  of  twenty-five — "  yet  I  recollect  all  we  said  to 
each  other,  all  our  caresses,  her  features,  my  restlessness, 
sleep' es  mess,  my  tormenting  my  mother's  maid  to  write  for 
me  to  her,  which  she  at  last  did  to  quiet  me.  My  misery, 
my  love  for  that  girl  were  so  violent  that  I  sometimes 
doubt  if  I  have  ever  been  really  attached  since.  Be  that  as 
it  may,  hearing  of  her  marriage  several  years  after  was  like 


a  thunderstroke — it  nearly  choked  me — to  the  horror  of  my 
mother  and  the  astonishment  and  almost  incredulity  of 
everybody  " 

I  have  never,  I  own,  come  across  anyone  else  quite  so 
precocious  and  passionate  as  BYHON,  but  there  are  plenty  of 
cases  of  love  at  the  age  of  fourteen  or  fifteen  in  boys. 
Take  the  writer  of  the  following  letter,  for  example.  He 
addresses  his  affection  discreetly  and  indirectly  to  the 
beloved  object  (aged  11)  through  her  French  governess  and 
in  the  French  language,  of  which  he  is  not  a  complete 
master.  On  a  previous  occasion  I  published  in  these 
columns  a  letter  from  the  same  hand  describing  a  fight  at 
his  school.  The  present  letter  also  comes  from  the  school : — 

Ma  CHERE  MADAMOISELLE, 

"  Jespere  que  vous  vous  portez  bien.  Vous  navez  pas 
didee  comment  je  membete  ici  mais  ne  dites  a  personne. 
Papa  ma  dit  que  je  vais  aux  affaires  en  Septembreet  je  suis 
content,  car  on  n'est  pas  embeter  apr6s  5  heures  et  le 
Samedi  aprfes  midi  aussi  le  Dimanche,  car  ici  on  est  embeter 
toute  la  ssmaine  meme  les  Dimanches  Dites ;  je  prends 
la  Iibert6e  decrire  a  Madamoiselle  Maude  car  jai  trouver  3 
plumes  comme  elle  aime  et  comme  elle  ma  demander  de  lui 
en  donner,  et  comme  c'est  au  monsieurs  de  faire  ce  qu'une 
demoiselle  vous  demande  je  vais  les  envoyer  par  la  poste. 
Veuillez  la  faire  me  repondre  car  jaimerais  savoire  comment 
elle  va  car  je  sais  si  vous  ne  le  rapellez  pas  elle  ne  me 
repondra  pas  car  nous  sommes  tons  jeurie&et  des.enfants. 
II  y  a  un  des  eleves  qui  ma  dit  que  Madamoiselle  Maude 
etait  Hot  Stuff  voulant  dire  quelle  etait  gentille  et  ma 
blaguer.  Excusez  mon  ecriture  sil  vous  plait.  Aurevoire." 

Somehow  I  can't  help  feeling  sure  that  no  proper 
acknowledgment  of  the  three  pens  was  over  sent  to  the 
giver. V_ 

THE  POOR  MAN'S  PARTRIDGE. 
To  marksmanship  of  any  sort  my  hobby  is  not  spurred, 

I  scarcely  know  a  gun  from  a  repeater, 
And  more  than  that,  I  '11  own  that,  far  from  bringing  down 

"  a  bird 

I  doubt  if  I  could  even  shoot  a  beater. 
But  the  first  day  of  September  grants  an  often  blighted 
wish ; 

While  other  gourmands  gloat  upon  a  partridge, 
I  welcome  thec,  my  fancy,  that  art -neither  flesh  nor  fish, 

Nor  owest  thy  quietus  to  a  cartridge. 

The  loss  of  thee  my  summer  invariably  mars ; 

Eash  rosy  dawn,  for  me,  breaks  grey  and  chilling 
The  while  the  barren  months  that  lack  those  necessary  "  r's  " 

Their  dilatory  moments  are  fulfilling. 
Until  one  radiant  morning  I  wake  by  slow  degrees 

From  torpid  slumber's  unrefreshing  coma, 
To  snuff  with  satisfaction  the  below-stairs  breakfast  bresze 

And  hail  the  Glorious  1st,  and  thy  aroma. 

Compact  and  brown  and  savoury,  and  fragrant  as  of  yore, 

Supine  on  toast  thou  burstest  on  my  vision, 
A  gratifying  sight  for  me  and  many  million  more 

(Though  publicly  they  hold  thee  in  derision). 
But  I — like  grousing  baby  who,  when  toosipcgs  appear, 

Emerges  gay  and  tricksy  from  the  cross  age — 
Salute  with  cordiality  and  open-hearted  cheer 

The  end  of  the  "  close  season  "  of  the  sausage. 


"The  German   Autumn  Naval  Manoeuvres  will  be  confined   (.,  t 
Baltic  Main  Colliery,  near  Sheffield." — Huth  Jli-m/il. 

This  is  rather  a  blow  to  our  prestige.     Can  we  allow  it  ? 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.— AUGUST  30.  1911. 


A  FIXED  STAB. 


THE  ,,„.  „ 

ISN'T    BOKN    WHO    CAN    LIFT    ME 


- 


THE  THIBF 


AUGUST  30,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OH  THE  LONDON   CJIAKIVAUI. 


Excited  Father.   "HEKE,  QUICK,  QUICK,  MABEL!  I.OUK  !     AX  AEROPLANE  ! ' 
Mabel.  "On!  I'M  KEII  UP  WITH  AEROH.AXES." 


STRIKE    PREVENTION    IN    THE 
HOME. 

[The  recent  suggestion  in  The  Doily  Mail 
that  the  public  should  tip  loyal  railway  .servants, 
has  resulted  in  a  wide-spread  distribution  of 
favours  among  other  classes  of  labour.] 

Materfamilias.  Dear,  dear  !  Here  are 
the  dustmen  coming  up  the  road,  and 
no  one  ready  to  receive  them !  Parker, 
where  are  the  young  ladies  ? 

Parker.  Miss  Elaine  is  conductin'  a 
committee  meeting  in  the  droring-room, 
Madam,  for  Tips  to  Tramdrivers. 

Mater.  Oh  yes,  of  course.  I  mustn't 
disturb  her ;  but  where  is  Miss  Gerald- 
ine? 

Parker.  Miss  Geraldine  is  takin'  a  bit 
of  lunch  down  the  cellar  to  the  men 
who've  brought  the  coal;  but  I  don't 
think  Miss  Enid  is  doing  anythink  par- 
ticular. 

Enid  (calling  from  upstairs).'  /can't 
come,  Mater,  I  'm  crochetting  com- 
forters for  cabmen.  If  I  stop  now  I 
shall  drop  a  stitch,  and  the  cold  wind 
will  get  through  the  hole  to  th'eir  poor 
necks. 

Mater.  Very  well,  dear,  do  be  careful. 
In  that  case,  Parker,  perhaps  you  will 


just  see  the  dustmen,  when  they  come, 
and  ask  them  if  they  would  like  a  little 
refreshment. 

Parker.  Sorry  not  to  oblige,  Madam, 
but  I  was  just  attending  to  the  butcher 
at  the  back  door  when  you  rang ;  and 
in  any  case  I  certingly  wasn't  engaged 
to  wait  upon  scavengers  ! 

Mater.  Of  course  you  weren't,  Parker. 
I  beg  your  pardon.  How  stupid  of  me! 
You  can  go  now,  and  just  give  this  to 
the  butcher  and  say,  if  it's  a  little  early 
for  a  Christmas-box,  I  hope  he  '11  excuse 
it.  Oh,  and,  by  the  way,  Parker,  you 
can  have  that  blue  muslin  of  Miss 
Geraldine's,  if  you  care  to.  She  won't 
wear  it  again. 

Parker.  Thank  you,  Madam. 

[Sound  of  banging  on  garden  door 
and  loud  cries  of  "DUST!" 
Materfamilias  hurries  through 
French-window. 

Mater,  (addressing  burly  scavengers). 
Oh,  good  morning.  Very  warm,  isn't 
it  ?  See — er — I  forget  your  names  at 
the  moment. 

Dustman  (haughtily).  Mine's  'Arris 
— 'e's  Bill. 

Mater.  Oh  yes,  of  course.     Well,  Mr. 


Harris,  perhaps  you  and   your  friend 
would  like  a  little  refreshment? 

Dustman.  Thank  'ee,  Missus,  we  could 
do  wiv'  a  drop.  Mine's  ale,  Bill's  is 
stout. 

[Materfamilias  bustles  away  and 
returns  with  jugs  and  glasse*. 

Mater.  No,  you  must  let  ine  pour  it 
out  for  you  ! 

Dustman.  Right  O,  Missus.  Put  a 
nice  'ead  on  it,  please.  (Hands  back 
empty  glasses  to  tray.)  Thank  'ee. 

Mater.  No,  thank  you.  I — er — I— 
er — suppose  you  will  be  here  next  week, 
as  usual  ? 

Diutman.  Suppose  so — but  nothin's 
certain.  Mornin' ! 

Mater,  (returning  through  French- 
ivimlou;  wiping  warm  face  with  lace-em- 
broidered handkerchief).  No,  nothing's 
certain  ;  but  we  're  doing  what  we  can 
to  keep  them  happy. 

"The  greatest  danger  of  a  drought,  itluu  been 
said,  is  the  ending  »f  it.  The  cause  is  the  amount 
of  deleterious  matter  that  is  washed  down  into 
the  water  supply.  No  one  will  rejoice  more  iii 
the  rain  than  doctors.  "—Daily  Mail. 
No,  no, not  "  rejoice."  Let  us  rather  say 
that  they  will  accept  it  philosophically. 


148 


PUNCH,    Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  30,  1911. 


THE    HOUSE   WARMING. 
VI.—  A   FINAL  ARRANGEMENT. 

"  SEEING  that  this  is  our  last  day  to- 
gether," began  Archie  — 

"Oh,  don't,"  said  Myra.  "I  can't 
bear  it." 

"  Saeing  that  this  is  our  first  day 
together,  \ve  might  have  a  little  tourna- 
ment of  some  kind,  followed  by  a  small 
distribution  of  prizes.  What  do  you 
think,  Dahlia?" 

"  Well,  I  daresay  I  can  find  some- 
thing." 

"  Any  old  thing  that  we  don't  want 
will  do  ;  nothing  showy  or  expensive. 
Victory  is  its  own  reward." 

"  Yes,  but  if  there  is  a  pot  of  home- 
made marmalade  going  with  it,"  I  said, 
"  so  much  the  better." 

"  I^ahlia>.earniark  the  marmalade  for 
this  gentleman.  Now  what's  it  going 
to  be  '!  Golf,  Simpson  ?  " 

"  Why,  of  course,  "  said  Myra. 
"Hasn't  he  baen  getting  it  ready  for 
days?" 

"That  will  give  him  an  unfair 
advantage,"  I  pointed  out.  "  He  knows 
every  single  dandelion  on  the  greens." 

"  Oh,  I  say,  thera  aren't  any.  greons 
yet,"  protested  Simpson.  "That'll  take 
a  year  or  two.  But  I've  marked  but 
white  circles  and  you  have  to  get  inside 
them." 

"  I  saw  him  doing  that,"  said  Archie. 
"I  was  afraid  he  expected  us  to  'play 
prisoners'  base  with  him." 

The  game  fixed  upon,  we  proceeded 
to  draw  for  partners  .....  . 

"You'll  have  to  play  with  me, 
Archie,"  said  Dahlia,  "  because  I'm  no 
good  at  all." 

"  I  shall  have  to  play  with  Myra,"  I 
said,  "  because  I'm  no  gooJ  at  all." 

"  Oh,  I  'm  very  good,"  said  Myra. 

"  That  looks  as  though  I  should  have 


toplaywith 


'    said  Thomas 


and  Simpson  together. 

"You're  all  giving  me  a  lot  of 
trouble,"  said  Archie,  putting  his  pencil 
back  in  his  pocket.  "  I  've  just  written 
your  names  out  neatly  on  little  bits  of 
paper,  and  now  they  're  all  wasted. 
You'll  have  to  stick  them  on  your- 
selves so  that  the  spactators  will  know 
who  you  are  as  you  whizz  past."  He 
handed  his  bits  of  paper  round  and 
went  in  for  his  golf-clubs. 

It  was  a  stroke  competition,  and  each 
couple  went  round  by  itself.  Myra  and 
I  started  last. 

"Now  we've  got  to  win  this,"  she 
said,  "  because  we  shan't  play  together 
again  for  a  long  time." 

"That's  a  nice  cheery  thing  to  say 
to  &  person  just  when  he's  driving. 
Now  I  shall  have  to  address  the  ball  all 
over  again." 


"  Oh,  no  I  " 

I  addressed  and  despatched  the  hall. 
It  struck  a  wall  about  eighty  yards 
away  and  dropped.  When; we  got  there 
we  found  to  our  disgust  that  it  was  nest- 
ling at  the  very  foot.  Myra  looked  at 
it  doubtfully. 

"  Can't  you  mako  it  climb  the  wall?  " 
I  asked. 

"  We  shall  have  to  go  back,  I  'm 
afraid.  We  can  pretend  we  left  our 
pocket-handkerchiefs  behind." 

She  chipped  it  back  about  twenty 
yards,  and  I  ssnt  it  on  again  about  a 
hundred.  Unfortunately  it  landed  in 
a  rut.  However  Myra  got  it  out  with 
great  resource,  and  I  was  lucky  enough 
with  my  next  to  place  it  inside  the 
magic  circle. 

"  Five,"  I  said.  "  You  know,  I  don't 
think  you  're  helping  me  much.  All 
you  did  that  hole  was  to  go  twenty-one 
yards  in  the  wrong  direction." 

Myra  smiled  cheerfully  at  me  and 
"did  the  next  hole  in  one.  "  Well 
played,  partner,"  she  said,  as  he  put 
her  club  back  in  its  bag. 

"  Oh,  at  the  short  holes  I  don't  deny 
that  you  're  useful.  Where  do  we  go 
now  ?  " 

"  Over  the  barn.  This  is  the  long 
hole." 

I  got  in  an  excellent  drive,  but 
Unfortunately  it  didn't  aviate  quick 
enough.  While  the  intrepid  spectators 
were  still  holding  their  breath,  there 
was  an  ominous  crash. 

"  Did  you  say  in  the  barn  or  over  the 
barn  ?  "  I  asked,  as  we  hurried  on  to 
find  the  damage. 

"  We  do  play  an  exciting  game, 
don't  we  ?  "  said  Myra. 

We  gpt  jnto  the  barn  and  found  the 
ball  and  a  little  glass  on  the  floor. 

"  What  a  very  small  hole  it  made," 
said  Myra  pointing  to  the  broken  pane. 
"What  shall  I  do?" 

"  You  '11  have  to  go  back  through  the 
hole.  It 's  an  awkward  little  shot." 

"  I  don't  think  I  could." 

"  No,  it  is  rather  a  difficult  stroke. 
You  want  to  stand  well  behind  the 
ball,  and  —  however,  there  may  be  a 
local  rule  about  it." 

"  I  don't  think  there  is  or  I  should 
have  heard  it.  Samuel's  been  telling 
me  everything  lately." 

"Then  there's  only  one  thing  for  it." 
I  pointed  to  the  window  at  the  other 
end  of  the  barn.  "  Go  straight  on." 

Myra  gave  a  little  gurgle  of  delight. 

"  But  we  shall  have  to  save  up  our 
pocket  money,"  she  said. 

Her  ball  hit  the  wood  in  between 
two  panes  and  bounded  back.  My  next 
shot  was  just  above  the  glass.  Myra  took 
a  niblick  and  got  the  ball  back  into  the 
middle  of  the  floor. 

"It's    simply    sickening    that     \re 


can't  break  a  window  when  we're  really 
trying  to.  I  should  have  thought  that 
anyone  could  have  broken  a  window. 
Now  then." 

"  Oh,  good  shat !  "  cried  Myra  above 
the  crash.  We  hurried  out  and  diJ  the 
hole  in  nine. 

At  lunch,  having  completed  eighteen 
holes  out  of  the  thirty-six,  we  were 
seven  strokes  behind  the  leaders, 
Simpson  and  Thomas.  Simpson,  ac- 
cording to  Thomas,  had  been  playing 
like  a  book.  Golf  Faults  Analysed— 
that  book,  I  should  think. 

"  But  I  expect  he  '11  go  to  pieces  in 
the  afternoon,"  said  Thomas.  He 
turned  to  a  servant  and  added,  "  Mr. 
Simpson  won't  have  anything  more." 

We  started  our  second  round  brilli- 
antly; continued  (after  an  unusual  inci- 
dent on  the  fifth  tee)  brilliantly;  and 
ended  up  brilliantly.  At  tho  last  tee 
we  had  played  a  hundred  and  .thirty- 
seven.  Myra  got  in  a  beautiful  drive 
to  within  fifty  yards  of  the  circle. 

"How  many?"  said  the  others, 
coming  up  excitedly. 

"  This  is  terrible,"  said  Myra  putting 
her  hand  to  her  heart.  "  A  hundred 

and — shall   I    tell    them  ?  — a — a 

Oh  dear — a — hundredandthirtyeight." 

"  Golly,"  said  Thomas,  "  you  've  got 
one  for  it.  We  did  a  hundred  and  forty." 

"  We  did  a  hundred  and  forty-two," 
said  Archie.  "Close  play  at  the  Oval." 

"  Oh,"  said  Myra  to  me,  "do  be  care- 
ful. Oh,  but  no,"  she  went  on  quickly, 
"  I  don't  mind  a  bit  really  if  we  lose. 
It 's  only  a  game.  Besides,  we — 

"  You  forget  the  little  pot  of  home- 
made marmalade,"  I  said  reproachfully. 
"Dahlia,  what  are  the  prizes?  Because 
it's  just  possible  that  Myra  and  I  might 
like  the  second  ones  better  than  the 
first.  In  that  case  I  should  miss  this." 

"  Go  on,"  whispered  Myra. 

I  went  on.  There  was  a  moment's 
silence — and  then  a  deep  sigh  from 
Myra. 

"  How  about  it  ?  "  I  said  calmly. 

Loud  applause. 

"  Well,"  said  Dahlia,  "  you  and  Myra 
make  a  very  good  couple.  I  suppose  I 
must  find  a  prize  for  you." 

"  It  doesn't  really  matter,"  said  Myra 
breathlessly,  "  because  on  the  fifth  tee 
we — we  arranged  about  the  prizes." 

"  We  arranged  to  give  each  other 
one,"  I  said,  smiling  at  Dahlia. 

Dahlia  looked  very  hard  at  us. 

"  You  don't  mean — — ?  " 

Myra  laughed  happily. 

"  Oh,"  she  said,  "  but  that 's  just 
what  we  do." 

THE  VERY  EKD.        A.A.M. 


Nasty  Accident  in  Labour  World. 

"CEMENT  WOKKERS  STICK  TOGETHER." 

Labour  L-:<u!-;r. 


BY  WAY   OF   ADVERTISEMENT;   OR,   THE   VENTRILOQUIST'S   VAGARY. 


"NOW    THAT    I'VE    HOT    MY    NEW     '  PRINCESS '    I 'LL  SELL  TUB 
OLD    ONE.    BUT  STAY — AN   IDEA  !  " 


"  PllIXCESfc,     WE     MUST     PART— CO  !" 


"MuiiDEii!"     "SEIZE.  HIM!"    "SAVEHEU!"     "Tmiow  A 
!  "     "  WHERE  's  THE  LIKE-IIOAT  'I "    "  WE'LL  SAVE  YOU  ! " 


"LETGO!      LETOO,    SlRl"      "HAX1WOFF     SlK  I "      "  KoUL  !  " 

"I  GOT  HEK  FULST  ! " 


;.  v.v-  '\- 

— "         -A-T-SMttH' 


THE      END      JUSTIFIES      THE      MEANS. 


CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  30,  1911. 


THE   MANLY   PART. 

[In  reply  to  :i  pressing  invitation  to  come  ami 
bathe  at  8.30  A.M.] 

COWARDS  with  the  hearts  of  coneys  ! 

Get  you  from  my  room,  begone: 
Sweet  as  the  cicala's  drone  is 

My  mellifluous  slumber,  John  : 
Take"  away  your  hulking  cronies  ; 

I  shall  rise  from  dreams  anon. 

There  are  some  heroic  figures, 
Following  not  the  foolish  herd, 

Careless  of  convention's  rigours- 
Like  some  mountain-eyried  bird, 

Like  some  tawny  lion  whom  niggers 
Seek  to  rouse— who  stay  unstirred, 

Unembarrassed  by  the  giber, 

Deaf  to  the  invading  scold, 
Men  of  superhuman  fibre, 

Splendid,  strong,  serenely  bold: 
Such  an  one  is  the  subscriber, 

And  I  say  the  sea  is  cold. 

You,  of  course,  you  abject  browsers 
On  the  grass  of  custom — sheep— 

Set  of  hopeless  body-sousers, 
Clothed  in  your  bravado  cheap 

(Not  to  mention  bathing-trousers), 
Pine  to  wallow  in  the  deep. 

Why  ?  because  you  deem  it  proper : 
You  have  heard  that  Saxons  true, 

Vikings  with  the  threefold  copper 
Eound  their  bosoms  (Vikings  you  !), 

Love  to  take  the  sounding  flopper 
Every  rnorn  into  the  blue. 

So  before  the  earliest  winkle 

From  his  spiral  couch  has  crept, 

While  the  gleaming  dew-stars  twinkle 
On  the  lawn  that  all  night  wept, 

Out  you  go — but  what  d'  you  think  '11 
Happen  ?     Will  your  food  be  kept  ? 

No,  while  in  the  waves  you  flounder, 

From  his  amaranthine  cot 
One  shall  rise,  of  strength  profounder, 

One. who  thinks,  where  you  do  not 
(Put  that  sponge  down,  John,  you 
bounder), 

One-'who  gets  his  breakfast  hot. 

When. you  eome>  back,  cold  and  snappy 
From  the  frigid  breakers'  gripe, 

You  shall  find  your  bacon  scrappy, 
You  shall  greet  the  conquering  type 

Me.  the  hero,  tilled  and  happy, 
Smoking  my  ambrosial  pipe. 

EVOE. 


The  South  Wales  Daily  News,  in  its 
account  of  the  visit  of  a  body  of  VVelsl 
American    pilgrims,    tells     us,    "  Th 
Cardiff  non-stop  special  and  the  Car 
marthen   special   followed  each   otlie 
respectively  at  a  brief  interval."     Tin 
italics  are  ours  :  the  suggestion  that  tin 
two  trains  were  continually  overtaking 
one  another  is  our  contemporary's. 


THE  FINANCEE. 
AN  EARLY -VICTORIAN  IDYLL 

•Ul'-TO-DATE. 
[Proposals   are    businesslike    nowadays, 


The 


are 
hiily  'Muil  tells  us.] 

He  (panting).  Yes,  there  is  sonie- 
Jiing  that  I  have  longed  to  ask  you, 
something  that  I  have  never  yet  dared 
—although  my  heart  seems  to  tell  me 
that  your  answer  will  not  be  unfavour- 
able. 

She  (shrinking).  Hush!  I  cannot  listen 
to  this  now — some  other  time. 

He  (pressing  closer  and  touching  her 
arm).  Something  that  I  must  know  or 
my  life's  happiness  is  blasted.  What  is 
your  income  ? 

She  (faintly).  Oh,  this  is  so  sudden  ! 


He  (urging  his  suit  impetuously). 


I 

must,  and  shall,  hear  it  from  your  own 
ips — and  now  ! — or  else  (grinds  teeth) 
[  shall  leave  the  country  to-night,  and 

— to  the  States,  and  propose  to  the 
daughter  of  some  Oil  King— for  I  am 
desperate. 

She.  Oh  ! 

He  (his  breath  coming  hi  short,  hur- 
'ied  gasps').  She  may  have  her  millions 
— I  will  see  that  she  has, — but  what 
are  they  to  be  weighed  in  the  same 
balance  with  what  you  have  to  offer — 
your  father's  position  in  the  City,  your 
social  influence  to  push  me  on  in  the 
House,  your  uncle  the  Duke 

She  (ivith  less  emotion).    Y-yes,  and 


my  reputation  as-fl,  beauty  ?  (Simpers.} 

He  (the  tfiought  striking  him  sud- 
denly). Yes,  of  course  —  everything 
counts.  But  tell  me — I  must  know — 
how  much — how  large — what  is  youi 
income  ? 

She  (shrinks  again).  Sir,  I  hardly 
know  how  to  answer  you.  Er — (<u 
original  idea  occurs  to  her) — ask  Papa 

He.  Your  sire  2  Tschah  !  The  craven 
is  a  financier — I  dare  not  trust  his 
word.  But  you,  Angelina — you  are 
different ;  I  can  verify  what  you  tel 
me  from  the  books — my  heart  tells  me 
that  you  will  not  deceive  me.  Speak 
but  the  word,  only  one  word  will  suffice 
provided  it  is  big  enough, 

She.  Spare  my  feelings,  Lord  Softe 
I  dare  not  speak  or  in  the  perturbation 
of  the  moment  my  tongue  might  out 
strip  the  truth. 

He.  Nay,  tell  it  me  without  reserve 
that,  and  one  other  word  I  long  to  hea 
from  you.  What  is  your  age  ? 

She  (starts).    Ah  !    That  too  ?    You 
lordship  must  give  me  time  to  think 
A  maidenly  reticence  forbids  me  to  dis- 
close all  I  feel  upon  the  subject.    What 
I  should  say  I  know,  but  how  to  say  it  ? 

He.  Ha  !  You  think  me  unworthy  ? 
You  scorn  my  paltry  five  thousand  a 
year  from  my  revered  father,  my  hum- 
ble position  as  a  mere  private  Member, 


my  few  directorships  !     But  I  have  my 
uture  before  me,  I  shall  work.    With 
our  capital  I  can  embezzle — I  mean, 
can  make  millions. 
She.  Ah,  it  is  not  these  I  crave !  I 
lave  no  doubts  as  to  your  lordship's 
wisdom  and  experience  in  these  matters, 
nit  I  would  ask,  I  long  to  know — have 
•ou  not  been  married  before  ? 

He.  Married  ?  Tschah  !  The  thought 
ias  never  crossed  my  mind.     No  for- 
une — no  woman's  loveliness,  I  should 
say — has  ever  thrilled  me  before;  until 
ww — Angelina  ! 

She  (briskly).  I  meant  not  that,  your 
ordship.  I  would  rather  that  your 
orclship  had  been  married  at  least 
once,  for  then  the  fortune  that  you 
would  bring  me  would  be  the  larger. 
His  face  drops  a  little.) 

He  (stunj).  Ha  !  So  this  is  the  end  ? 
But  stay,  one  course  is  still  left.  I  could 
marry  a  rich  widow  and  then  get  a 
divorc3  in  the  States.  I  would  do  all 
ihat  may  become  a  man  for  my  Ange- 
ina's  sake ! 

She.  Nay,  it  was  but  a  passing  fancy, 
and  who  knows  by  that  time  what 
hanges  might  have  come — what  Bud- 
gets, what  unearned  increments,  what 
alterations  in  the  House  of  Lords.  Our 
marriage  nrght  be  impossible. 

He  (ardently).  Impossible!  There  is 
no  such  word  in  the  dictionary  of 
finance.  (With  hauteur)  Perish  the 
thought !  The  course  of  business  never 
did  run  smooth. 

She.  And  I  too — could  not  I  also 
marry  some  one — anyone,  as  long  as 
he  is  rich  enough  ?  Capt.  Oofinstein, 
for  instance — -he  would  be  sure  to  kill 
himself  in  the  hunting-field  before  long  ?, 

He.  Ha !  Perhaps  that  would  be 
better.  He  is  rich,  Oofenstein,  rich  and 
debilitated  with  alcohol.  And  I  will 
wait  for  you — I  swear  it  on  this  cheque- 
book— -I  will  he  faithful  to  my  troth ! 

She.  Nay,  I  was  but  jesting  to  try 
your  constancy.  Let  us  marry  at  once. 
I  have  but  twenty-five  thousand  a  year, 
but  with  a  struggle  it  will  suffice,  and 
love  conquers  all. 

He  (embracing  her  frantically).  Mine! 
Mine  at  last !  Oh,  joy !  joy ! 

She  (returning  his  embrace  and  draw- 
ing'paper  from  her  pocket).  Joy!  And 
now  that  we  are  betrothed  let  me  show 
your  lordship  this  letter.  It  is  from 
Carey  Street.  It  tells  of  the  bank- 
ruptcy of  my  father  for  two  millions  ! 
My  maid  has  overheard  all,  and,  should 
you  jilt  me,  will  give  evidence  in  a 
breach  of  promise  case.  (Smiles.) 

He.   Had!   (Faints.) 

Echoes  of  the  Strike. 
"DASTAKIJLY  ATTEMPT  TO  WRECK  MAIL  THAIS. 

ANOTHER  TRAIN  RUNS  AWAY." 
Coward  !  Dublin  Saturday  lla-nlil 


AUGUST  30,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVJLRL 


151 


SEASIDE   PERILS. 

Fair  Bathers.   "HEi.r!     HELP  !     TIIEKE'S  A  WASP  IN  THE  TEST!" 


THE  NEW  DEATH  AND  GLORY 
BOYS. 

THE  formation  of  the  Die-Hard 
Association  of  Unionists  so  eloquently 
advocated  by  Mr.  PAXTON  in  The  Pall 
Mall  Gazette,  is,  we  understand,  already 
a  fait  accompli.  The  essence  of  the 
movement,  as  denned  by  the  originator, 
is  to  drop  recriminations  and  endeavour 
to  infuse  all  Conservative  and  Unionist 
associations  with  the  Die-Hard  spirit. 

In  pursuance  of  this  laudable  aim 
some  of  the  leading  members  of  the 
Association  have  adopted  the  methods 
of  peaceful  persuasion  at  the  Carlton 
Club  with  most  salutary  results. 

On  Friday  last,  one  of  the  most 
notorious  of  the  Black-Listers  was 
approached  by  a  group  of  Die-Harders 
and  asked  to  explain  his  turpitude  in 
voting  for  the  Parliament  Bill.  The 
unfortunate  peer,  who  was  ""drinxing 
barley-water  in  the  smoking-room, 
stammered  out  some  futile  explana- 
tion, but  entirely  failed  to  satisfy  his 
inquisitors.  They  accordingly  deter- 
mined, in  accordance  with  their  plan 
ot  campaign,  to  inoculate  the  dry 
bones  of  his  pseudo-Conservatism  with 
the  virus  of  Die-Hardihood.  The  opera- 
tion was  protracted  and  painful — 
indeed,  the  grcans  of  the  victim  were 


distinctly  audible  in^fft.  James's  Square 
— but  completely  successful,  and  the 
patient  gave  speedy  proof  of  his  re- 
generation by  hurling  an  inkstand  at 
a  portrait  of  Lord  LANSDOWNE  and 
uttering  the  most  terrific  maledictions 
against  the  Archbishop  of  CANTER- 
BURY. 

On  the  same  day,  at  a  meeting  of  the 
council  of  the  Association,  Miss  Di 
Hardy  (of  Alnwick)  was  unanimously 
elected  Lady  Patroness. 

It  was  also  decided  to  secure  the 
services,  at  whatever  cost,  of  the  baby 
donkey  which  recently  won  fame  and 
favour  at  Southend  as  the  most  success- 
ful collector  at  the  Life-Boat  Demon- 
stration and  Hospital  Carnival. 

The  council  also  approved  the  draft 
programme  of  a  Die-Hard  Concert  to 
be  held  shortly  in  the  Albert  Hall. 
The  principal  items  are  as  follows : — 

"  Let  me  like  a  Soldier  fall " 

Lord  WlLLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE. 

"  The  Death  of  Nelson  " 

Miss  Di  HARDY. 

"  The  Place  where  the  Old  Peer  died  " 
Lord  HALSBURY 
(with  trumpet  obbligato  by 

Mr.  J.  L.  GAKVIN). 

Overture  "Die  (Hard)  Meistersinger " 
Band  of  114  Stalwart  Peers. 


LATEST    STRIKE    NEWS. 

MR.  ASKWITH  OUT. 
National  Consternation. 

COMMERCIAL    England   was  thrilled 
this   morning    by  the    announcement 
that   Mr.   ASKWITH,  the  famous  arbi- 
trator,  the  keystone  of  the   business 
arch,  had  himself  come  out  on  strike. 
The  Government  decided  at  once  that 
every  effort  must  be  made  to  induce 
!  him   to  return  to  his  duties.    A  regi- 
ment of  cavalry  was  wired  for  from 
I  Aldershot  and  the  CHANCELLOR  OK  TIIK 
|  EXCHEQUER  motored  round  to  his  resi- 
|  deuce.      Mr.  ASKWITH  sternly  declined 
the  employers'  terms — £20,000  a  year 
plus  time  and  a  half  for  overtime  and 
double  time   for  Bank   Holidays  and 
Sundays.     He  made  no  objection   to 
the  pecuniary  terms,  but  he  insisted  on 
a  maximum  of  sixteen  arbitrations  and 
two  thousand  miles  railway  travelling 
per  week,  and  that   no   working  day 
should  exceed  eighteen    hours.      The 
CHANCELLOR  was  compelled  to  refuse 
the  terms  as  the  Board  of  Trade  has 
already  124  arbitrations   in  hand  and 
fresh  ones  are  coming  in  at  the  rate  of 
three  a  day. 

Later. 

A  Cabinet  Meeting  ha?  been  called 
to  consider  the  crisis.      It  is  felt  by 


152 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  30,  1911. 


£xciied  Demagogue.   "WE  WAST  I.ADOUR  EEFOUM,  WE  WAST  SOCIAL  HEI'OIIM,  WE  WAS*  LAND  MFOIIM,  WE  WANT " 

Vviccfrom  crowd.   "WHAT  YOU  WAST  is  CHLOROFORM." 


Ministers  that  if  Mr.  ASKWITH  does  not 
return  to  work,  no  strike  in 'England 
will  ever  end.  "  The'  Cabinet  is  at 
present  considering" the  possibility  of 
nominating  Mr.;  ASKWITH  as 'arbitrator 
in  his  own  strike. ' ',  The  difficulty  is 
that  Mr.  ASKWITH  '  cannot '  arbitrate 
without  constituting  himself  a  black- 
leg. 

GENERAL  STEIKE  OF  PEERS. 
As  a  protest  against  the  Parliament 
Bill  Lord  HALSBURY  has  decided  that  no 
peer  must  attend  any  social  function 
or  fulfil  any  engagement  till  the  Bill  is 
repealed.  Not  a  foundation  stone  is  to 
be  laid,  not  a  cattle  show  opened,  not  a 
Gaiety  girl  married,  till  the  peers  of 
England  have  .full  powers  restored  to 
them.  Thrilling  scenes  were  witnessed 
in  London  last  evening.  When  Lord 
CAMPERDOWN,  under  the  protection 
of  fifty  mounted  police,  left  his  house 
to  go  to  the  annual  meeting  of  the 
Indigent  Lodging  House  Keepers' 
Benevolent  Society,  Lord  MILNER  shook 
his  fist  in  his  face  and  shouted,  "  Get 
back,  or  -  —  the  consequences."  The 
Archbishop  of  CANTERBURY,  on  his  way 
to  the  dinner  of  the  Successful  Scotch- 


men's Society,  was  loudly  hooted  by  a 
crowd  of  peers  and'  a  few  sympathetic 
commoners.  Conspicuous  amongst  the 
throng  were  the'Stlke  of  NORTHUMBEH- 
'LAND,  Lord  HALIFAX,  and  Lord  HUGH 
CECIL. 

..'...Lord  HENEAGE  demanded  a  guard 
from  the  War  Office, 'and,  sheltered  by 
fifty  constables  and  a  hundred  infantry 
with  fixed  bayonets,  sallied  forth  to 
fulfil  an  engagement  at  the  Royal  Hor- 
ticultural Society.  Lord.  WILLOUQHBY 
DE  BBOKE  broke  his  windows  as  a  pro- 
test, and  shouted,  "  Kill  the  blackleg !  " 
On  appeal  to  the  police  inspector  in 
charge,  Lord  HENEAGE  was  informed 
that  it  was  impossible  to  interfere  with 
peaceful  picketing.  "You  see,  your 
lordship,  if  your  House  had  thrown 
out  that  Bill,  things  would  be  different." 

GREAT  EDUCATIONAL  STRIKE. 

The  schoolboys  of  South  London  en- 
tered on  a  sympathetic  strike  with  the 
Liverpool  dockers  this  morning.  They 
decline  to  return  to  work  till  absolute 
peace  reigns  at  Liverpool.  In  addition 
they  formulate  their  own  demands 
— three  whole  holidays  a  week,  the 


abolition  of  corporal  punishment,  and 
no  home-work. 

Later. 

Tha  head  masters  have  also  struck 
(unsympathetically).  The  school-boys 
have  returned  to  work. 

SENSATIONAL  EUMOUR : 
.    GENERAL  STRIKE  OF  EDITORS. 
.    A's  we  go  to  press  the  alarming  news 
reaches  .us  that  the  editors  of  England 
are  coming  out  in  a  body  to-morrow. 
They   will   decline   to   reject   a   single 
manuscript    till    their     demands     are 
granted.     The  telegraph  department  is 
choked  with  wires   from   contributors 
promising  their  warmest  support. 

"VICTORIA  (SOUTH-EASTERN):  — Services  were 
running  as  on  every  day,  and  the  only  variation 
was  that  several  trains  on  tlie  City  line  had  been 
a  few  minutes  late." — Eccniny  News. 

The  important  word  here  is  "variation" 
Just  like  that — "  variation."  Eather 
good,  we  think. 

From  a  letter  in  The  Scotsman :  — 
"Your  correspondent  has  hit  the  nail  upon 
the  v>oint." 

Next  time  we  must  take  the  bull  by 
the  tail. 


PUNCH,   OB  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. -Auaust  80,  1911. 


LEFT    SITTING. 


M,   AW™,  "WELL.   WE'VE  HAD  HX   MO.THS  0,  THE  STRENUOUS   UFE.  AND    !T , 
0™^^™^*0™*^**™*V>*^.  VEM    SOON'" 


lit  / 


AUGUST  30,  1911.] 


PUNCH^OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


AN    ARTISTIC    EFFORT    GONE    WRONG. 


As  the  Labour  Party  have  attempted  to  paint  Mr.  WINSTON  CIIUKCIIIIX 
— halt-tyrant,  half-Caliban. 


The  impression  left  on  tin-  minis  of  fair  inindi-d  ]»-,,|,:t. 
— a  champion  of  the  rights  of  the  country  at  larjp. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FIIOM  THE  DlARY  OF  ToBY,   M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  A  tigitst 
22. — Recess  arranged  for  last  Friday. 
Members  made  their  plans  accord- 
ingly. At  last,  moment  PKEMIEU 
decided  further  to  adjourn  sittings 
till  to-day.  Secretly  conscious  of 
conviction  that  in  interest  of  all  con- 
cerned, especially  of  genuine  working 
man  fighting  for  more  butter  on  his 
bread,  the  sooner  the  talking-shop  is 
shut  up  the  better.  In  perilous  circum- 
stances that  dominated  end  of  last  week, 
what  was  wanted  was  acts  not  words. 
However,  for  upright  man  the  very 
consciousness  of  tendency  to  narrow 
opportunity  for  intemperate  talk, 
dangerous  at  critical  period  of  delicate 
negotiations,  induced  him  to  sacrifice 
advantage  secured  Lj  earliest  possible 
adjournment.  Accordingly  provided 
another  day  for  the  turning  on  of  tap 
of  turgid  talk. 

When  DON'T  KEIB  HAKDIE  learned 
the  change  of  plans  he  smiled  grimly. 
In  spite  of  novel  advertisement  obtained 
through  agencyof  reach-me-down  white 
suit,  not  been  doing  very  well  of  late. 
His  colleagues  in  Labour  Party,  for  the 


most  part  shrewd  men,  have  taken  his 
measure  and  find  it  does  not  fit  position 
of  administrative  importance.  Whilst 
comparative  new  comers  to  Parliamen- 
tary vineyard,  like  RAMSAY  MACDONALD 
and  others,  have  been  prominent  in 
assisting  Government  to  bring  strike 
to  close,  he  has  been  left  out  in  the 
cold.  Royal  Commission  appointed  to 
investigate  working  of  Conciliation  Act 
of  1907  includes  two  representatives  of 
Labour.  He  is  not  one. 

To-day,  thanks  to  honourable  scru- 
ples of  PREMIER,  he  found  unexpected 
opening  upon  the  most  effective  self- 
advertisement  booth  in  the  world,  with 
additional  recommendation  of  being  the 
cheapest.  Made  the  best  of  it  in  his 
way,  running  amuck  at  the  Ministers 
instrumental  in  delivering  the  nation 
from  the  claws  of  famine  and  the  jaws 
of  death. 

"  The  men  who  have  been  shot  down 
have,"  he  said  with  absence  of  passion 
that  made  the  accusation  more  terrible, 
"  been  murdered  by  the  Government  in 
the  interests  of  the  capitalist.'' 

LLOYD  GEORGE  replied  in  speech  of 
burning  indignation  that  would  have 
shrivelled  up  an  ordinary  man.  DON'T 
KEIR  HARDIE  momentarily  perturbed 


when  the  CHANCELLOR  quoted  big 
statement,  addressed  on  Monday  to 
mob  of  men  hesitating  whether  they 
would  persist  in  strike :  "  The  1  'HIMI: 
MINISTER  has  said  that  if  there 
was  to  be  a  strike  the  Government 
would  have  the  railways  kept  open 
even  if  they  had  to  shook- dawn  every 
striker."  "Contemptible! "cried  LLOYD 
GEORGE,  turning  round  to  face  the 
slanderer  attempting  to  wriggle  out 
of  the  hole  without  retractation  or 
apology. 

That  a  momentary  weakness.  DON'T 
KEIR  HARDIE,  in  spite  of  studied 
unconventionally,  is  a  shrewd  man  of 
business.  Comforted  himself  with  re- 
flection that,  on  the  whole,  dealing 
with  a  class  of  men  in  whose  presence 
it  was  safe  to  tell  the  palpable  lie  about 
the  PREMIER  nailed  to  the  counter  by 
LLOYD  GEORGE,  he  had,  from  personal 
point  of  view,  done  a  profitable  after- 
noon's work. 

Business  done. — House  adjourned  till 
Tuesday,  October  24th. 


"  Mnif  than  twenty  eullic*  in  the  Mu 
district  have  IH-IMI  idle'  one  day  this  «e«-k." 

I'tr. 

Lucky  dogs. 


153 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  30,  1911. 


BLANCHE'S  LETTERS. 

SOME    HOLIDAY   ITEMS. 

Toppingtowers. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — Just  as  the  poor 
clear  Clackmannans  had  collected  a 
houseful  of  us  here,  all  their  servants 
struck — d  la  mode.  The  demands  they 
make  are,  among  others,  that  their 
wages  shall  he  doubled,  that  they  shall 
not  be  restricted  to  the  servants'  hall, 
but  shall  sit  in  any  room  in  the  house, 
and  that  they  shall  all  be  addressed 
by  their  employers  with  the  prefix 
Mr,  Mrs.,  or  Miss  to  their  names! 
Isn't  it  a  lovely  state  of  tlvngs  ?  The 
Duke  and  Stella  are  quite  helpless. 
The  "Committee  of  the  Amalgated  (I 
think  that 's  the  word)  Something  of 
Domestic  Assistants  absolutely  forbids 
them  to  engage  other 
servants.  So  they  've 
had  to  give  in  to  all  the 
demands.  A  member 
of  the  Amalgated  Some- 
thing's Committee,  Mr. 
Tom  Boggs,  weighed 
in  at  Toppingtosvers 
yesterday  to  make  sure 
that  conditions  were 
being  kept.  He  followed 
the  guns  in  the  morn- 
ing, to  see  that  the 
loaders  and  so  on 
weren't  overworked  or 
spoken  to  sharply.  He 
dined  with  us  last  night, 
and  oh,  my  dear,  it  was 
the  funniest  thing !  The 
Duke  gave  the  butler 
some  order  arid  called 
him  "Wilkinson."  Mr. 
Tom  Boggs  imme- 
diately rapped  the  table 
hard  with  his  knuckles 


bed  at  nine  every  evening.  Ho  l«ft 
to-day;  and  just  before  he  went,  the 
Duke  said  we  were  thinking  of  having 
a  little  dance  on  Thursday,  and  asked 
if  the  servants  might  be  kept  up  a 
little  later.  Mr.  Tom  Boggs  said  he 
would  "ask  his  Committee,"  but  we 
"  must  not  count  on  getting  per- 
mission." 

In  the  meantime  we  console  our- 
S3lves  with  seaside  joys.  The  Clack- 
mannans have  a  lovely  stretch  of  sandy 
beach  here,  with  a  private  staircase 
down  the  cliffs,  and  we've  made  what 
Bosh  calls  a  "  Miniature  Margate  "  of 
it,  with  donkeys  to  ride,  and  goat- 
chaises,  and  the  Clackmannans'  band 
to  play,  and  a  set  of  amateur  Pierrots, 
and  a  joy-wheel,  and  all  EOL'ts  of  fun. 
But  our  chief  happiness  is  paddling 


IT'S  KAINING 
"WELL,   COME 


LAWN." 


and  frowned  fiercely, 
and  the  Duke  corrected 
himself  in  a  hurry  and  prefaced  his  "re- 
uest"  with  "Please,  Mr.  Wilkinson." 
Itella  shows  more  fight  than  the  Duke. 
She  told  Mr.  Tom  Boggs-  straight  that, 
rather  than  be  constantly  "  plea?e  "-ing 
and  "  thank-you  "-ing  her  maid  and  call- 
ing' hsr  "  Miss  "  So-and-so,  she  'd  dis- 
pense with  one  altogether  and  do  her 
hair  herself!  Wasn  t  it  too  heroic  for 
words?  But  Mr.  Tom  Boggs  answered 
and  said,  "That  you  must  not  do, 
Madam.  My  Committee  rules  that 
every  woman  of  wealth  and  position 
must  give  employment  to  a  young-lady- 
assistant  of  the  dressing-table,  such 
young  lady  to  be  treated  in  strict 
accordance  with  rules  laid  down  by 
such  Committee." 

He  had  all  the  ssrvants  out  on  the 
lawn  and  harangued  them  after  dinner. 
He  forbade  them  to  get  up  before  eight 
in  the  morning,  and  told  them  to  go  to 


AT  LAST,  JOHN  ! " 

INSIIJE,    THEN,    AND  GIVE  IT  A  CHANCE  OF  GETTING   AT  THE 


and  shrimping  and  looking  for  shells — 
likewise  making  sand-castles  with  our 
little  spades  and  pails,  and  afterwards 
storming  and  defending  them.  ("Olga" 
is  making  a  speciality  of  beach  and 
paddling  frocks  just  now — the  sweetest 
littla  :  affairs,'  plain  or  embroidered 
linen;  just  coming  to  one's  knee,  with 
coloured  belt,  sandals,  and  cap  all  to 
match — only  thirty  guineas  !)  In  the 
evening  we  generally  have  a  lot  of 
people  come  over  from  neighbouring 
houses  to  join  our  paddling  parties. 
(The  evening  paddling  frock,  which 
easily  runs  into  four  figures,  is  made 
exactly  like  the  day  one,  but  is  of 
charmeuse,  or  ninon,  with  a  jewelled 
belt,  jewelled  fastenings  to  the  silk 
sandals,  and  instead  of  a  cap,  a 
jewelled  aigrette  in  the  hair.) 

Oh,    my    own     friend  !    you    don't 
quite    know    what    indescribable   and 


elusive  joys  life  can  hold  till  you  've 
pa  idled,  in  a  moonlit  midnight,  wearing 
one  of  "  Olga's  "  even  ng  paddling 
frocks,  and  hand -in -hand  with  your 
own,  own  latest  affinity  ! 

Among  the  earliest  of  the  autumn 
weddings  will  be  Lord  Tutterworth's 
(the  Middleshire's  eldest  boy)  to  Lady 
Manccuvrer's  third  girl,  Forget-me-not. 
People  are  telling  quite  a  good  little 
storiette  about  this  engagement.  Poor 
Tutterworth  's  a  most  dreadful  stam- 
merer. No'hing  could  cure  him,  and 
ho  starnme:ed  Irs  way  on  through 
boyhood  to  manhood,  till,  on  a  ceriain 
evening  last  July,  he  was  sitting  out 
a!;  soma  party  with  Forget-me-not 
Manceuvrer. 

If  you  know  any  stammerers,  my 
dear,  you  're  aware  that  sometimes  they 
get  to  some  particular 
phrass  and  can't  forthe 
life  of  them  get  past  it, 
but  keep  on  repeating 
it  over  and  over  again, 
as  a  sort  of '  jumping-off 
place,  (ill  your  reason 
lo'.teis  on  its  throne. 

Young  Tutterworth 
began  a  speech  in 
this  way  with  "  Will 
you —  "  aud  couldn't 
get  any  further,  but 
kept  on  over-working 
those  two  words  in  a 
most  cruel  manner,  till, 
when  he  'd  sa:d  "  Will 
you "  some  dozens  of 
times,  Forget-me-not 
hung  her  head  in  the 
old,  approved  fashion 
and  accepted  him 
formally,  "  subject  to 
Mamma's  approval." 

And  people  are  say- 
ing, my  dear,  that 
Tutterworth  hadn't  the 


tiniest  intention  of  making  an  offer,  but 
on  the  contrary,  having  had  quite 
enough  of  his  tctc-d-tete  with  the 
Manosuvrer  girl,  was  merely  going  to 
say,  "  Will  you  come  back  to  the 
dancing-room  ?  " 

Moral — For  an  eligible  stammerer 
sitting-out  is  dangerous  ! 

Dick  Flummery  is  telling  a  cruel 
story  against  Dotty.  Like  most  women 
when  travelling,  whose  feet  are  large 
by  degrees  and  beautifully  more,  Dotty 
puts  a  pretty  little  pair  of  number-two 
shoes  outside  her  door  at  hotels,  to  be 
polished,  while  her  own  maid  sees  to 
the  number-fives  the  dear  thing  really 
wears.  At  some  hotel  where  they 
put  up  for  one  night  "  somebody 
blundered,"  as  SHAKSPEARE  says,  and 
both  pairs  were  stood  outside.  Eesult 
— in  the  morning  the  number- fives 
were  taken  to  the  wrong  room,  or 


AUGUST  30,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAK1VAIIL 


157 


Ltvc,Uor.  "BY  THIS  SYSTEM  OK  MINE  THE  FIKE  PKODCCES  ITS  OWN  EXTISOVISIIEB,  AND  THE  HARDER  TUB  FIRE  BURNS  THE  XOUE 

ITS   EXTINGUISHING   CAPACITY    IS   DEVELOPED."  , 

Financier.  "  BUT  IK  THE  HUE  HAS  TO  WORK  TO  MAKE  THE  EXTINGUISHER  WORK,  HOW  u 
Inventor.  "!T  DIES,  Siu,  FIIOM  PURE  EXHAUSTION  !" 


mislaid  or  something,  and  only  the 
number-twos  brought  to  Dotty's  door. 
She  was  ashamed  to  ask  for  the  others, 
all  her  trunks  were  at  the  station,  and 
behold  bee  plantee  Id,  with  only  the 
impossible  tinies  to  put  on  and  their 
train  going  in  a  few  minutes  ! 

Dick  says  she  was  reduced  to  great 
extremities,  which  I  consider  a  simply 
horribly  cruel  joke ! 

Ever  thine,    BLANCHE. 


"3  H.P.  Humbcr  Motor  CYCLE,  low  built, 
Palmer  cords,  new  Hillesiu  battery,  recently 
climbed  Bowdcn  Hill  six  tinies,  owner  being  in 
London." — Add.  in  "  Wiltshire  Times." 
If  it  will  only  climb  hills  when  the 
owner  is  away  it  is  not  much  good  to  us. 

"Mr.  R.  Kanjaiiialay  writes  that  it  is  not 
true  tbat  he  was  killed  by  being  run  over  by  a 
tramcar,  as  rumoured,  and  he  wishes  it  to  be 
known  that  if  Jieople  continue  to  circulate 
rumours  of  his  death,  he  will  take  steps  to 
prevent  them  circulating  such  rumouis." 

A\Ual  Mercury. 

Quite  time  too. 


A    GAKDEN    IN    SLUMLAND. 

SEEBS  garnered  in  an  envelope 

That  sumptuously  .foretold  the  flower, 

In  brave  but  far  from  certain  hope 
We  buried  in  our  twelve  foot  bower, 
Then  waited  through  the  winter 
hour; 

And  just  when  hope  was  on  the  wing, 
A  plucky  British  marigold 
On  half  a  chance  laid  sturdy  hold 

And  sprouted  in  the  spring ! 

We  dimly  felt  the  world  go  by— 
Of  big  deeds  faintly  caught  the 
sound. 

The  airmen  conquered  worlds  on  high, 
But  all  our  gaze  was  for  the  ground. 
Somewhere  quite  near  the  KING 
was  crowned, 

So  those  who  went  to  see  it  say ; 
For  us  at  that  momentous  t.me, 
The  pale  petunia  readied  its  prime 

And  blossomed  for  a  day ! 

While  men  their  daily  papers  scanned 
For  news  of— I  've  forgotten  what, 


We  faced  a  crisis  in  our  land 
Serenely  with  the  watering-pot ; 
Dim  threats  of  war  we  heeded  not, 

But  midst  a  patriotic  "  boom  " 
Our  Union  Jack  was  duly  flown 
To  voice  a  rapture  all  our  own — 

Sweet  William  was  in  bloom  ! 

So,  seated  in  my  twelve-foot  bower, 

A  mental  equipoise  is  mine 
Whereby  to  evils  of  the  hour 

Their  true  proportion  I  assign. 

Thus,  ere  I  had  denounced  the  line 
Adopted  by  the  Veto  Bill, 

On  London  smuts  unkindly  fed, 

My  sick  verbena  drooped  its  head 
And  swamped  the  lesser  ill  1 

From  Bad  to  Worse. 
"Two  FAMOUS  DA  Vixcis  DISAPPEAR  FBOM 

THE  LOCVBE. 

"Hie  world- famous  'U  UioooniU'  of  U»n- 
arda  da  Vinci  and  the  'Moua  Lua'  h»ve  been 
•toleu. "—Daily  Skckk. 

And  now  we  hear  rumours  that  "  La 
Joconde"  has  gone  too. 


158 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON^  CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  30,  1911. 


POTTED  PAPERS. 

"THK    BHITISII    MEEKl/V." 

NOTES  OF  THK  WEEK. 
IT  is  now  time  to  review  the  Session 
and   take   stock   of  the    prophets  and 
losses. 

THK  PHIMU  MINISTER. 
The  PRIME  MINISTER  is  the  hero  not 
merely  of  the  day  but  of  the  century. 
We  are  not  hagiolaters,  hut— if  such  a 
metaphor  may  be  permitted  in  our 
columns— his  name  will  go  down  to 
posterity  enshrined  in  an  imperishable 
aureole  of  triumph.  For  many  months 
he  has  been  coasting  on  perilous  shores, 
but  at  last  he  has  smitten  the  Philistines 
hip  and  thigh.  The  business  was  irri- 
tating and  long-drawn-out— like  a 
human  hair  in  the  mouth.  But  the 
victory  was  all  the  more  overwhelming 
in  the  end,  and  his  followers  can  now 
wallow  to  their  hearts'  content  in  the 
voluptuous  joys  of  spiritual  superiority. 
Greater,  infinitely  greater— because  infi- 
nitely more  respectable — than  JULIUS 
CAESAR,  HANNIBAL  or  NAPOLEON,  Mr. 
ASQUITH  steps  unquestioned  into  the 
front  rank  of  the  World  Forces,  with 
a  future  before  him  even  more  gorgeous 
than  his  past. 

LORD  LANSDOWNE. 
To  Lord  LANSDOWNE,  that  icy  aris- 
tocrat, as  to  Lord  CURZON,  that  gilded 
popinjay,  we  owe  no  thanks  and  no 
respect.  Lord  LANSDOWNE  does  nol 
indulge  in  the  hideous  and  crimina 
extravagance  of  language  shown  by 
some  of  his  followers,  but  he  is  none 
the  less  a  cruel  and  savage  hater  of  the 
people.  He  speaks  with  a  cold  insolence 
which  sets  every  nerve  of  a  true  demo- 
crat tingling  with  homicidal  frenzy. 
Under  the  ice  of  his  manner  fierce  fires 
of  resentment  are  perpetually  burning, 
and  we  recognize  him  as  a  deadly  and 
implacable  enemy  of  religion,  piety, 
and  the  People.  The  utmost  that  can 
be  said  in  his  favour  is  that  he  is  not 
an  Archbishop. 

MR.  LLOTD  GEORGE. 


The  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER 
by  his  firm  and  sagacious  handling  of 
the  Railway  strike  has  added  imperish- 
able laurels  to  those  which  are  already 
entwined  with  the  leek  amid  his  Celtic 
fringe.  We  yield  to  none  in  our  ad- 
miration for  "Mr.  ASQUITH  ;  but  there 
is  no  doubt  that,  urbane  and  masterly 
as  he  is  in  his  control  of  his  party, 
when  it  comes  to  negotiating  with 
recalcitrant  working  men  he  pales 
before  the  irresistible  elan  of  the  vivid 
CHANCELLOR.  High  as  he  stood  before 
in  the  estimation  of  all  sound  critics, 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  now  stands  im 
measurably  Ivgher. 


THE  REV.  DR.  CORKER  AT  WINNIPEG. 
Nothing  is  more  touching  than  the 
brupt  contrasts  of  modern  civilisation. 
Recently,  on  the  very  day  when 
Liverpool  was  in  the  hands  of  the 
military  and  the  lower  quarters  of  that 
city  were  convulsed  with  revolutionary 
fury  Dr  CORKER  was  delighting  the 
members  of  the  Cobalt  Club, Winnipeg, 
with  a  fascinating  discourse  on  "  The 
Releegious  Significance  of  the  Songs  ot 
ROBERT  Brims."  'Ihe  lecture  was 
attended  by  Professor  Hosea  Boffin, 
Miss  Fatirna  Pogson,  and  Dr.  Taylor 
Swish,  all  of  whom  emigrated  to 
Winnipeg  within  the  last  ten  years. 
Deplorable  as  it  is  that  our  people 
should  ba  driven  from  their  sweet  hill- 
sides for  the  pleasure  or  emolument 
of  greedy  and  unpatriotic  plutocrats, 
still  it  is  well  that  the  distant  provinces 
of  the  Empire  should  be  enriched  with 
fresh  clean  blood. 

THE  MEENISTER. 

(By  Angus  McDavid.) 

CHAPTEB  XCVJII. 

•'  An'  ye  '11  nae  gae  tae  kirk  the  day," 
exclaimed  Aunt  Elspeth  in  shocked 
tones.  "Then  what  will  ye  be  daein', 
I'm  askin'?" 

"  Readin',"  said  the  boy  stolidly  as 
he  passed  his  fingers  through  his  sandy 
hair. 

"  Readin' !  "  almost  screamed  the 
good  old  soul.  "  Readin' !  on  the  Saw- 
bath  !  Readin'  what  ?  " 

"  The  British  Meekly,"  said  the  boy, 
"  of  course." 

"  Oh  !  The  British  MccMy,"  said  the 
old  lady,  her  tones  softening  once  more 
to  tenderness.     "  Then  I  've  nae  more 
tae  say.     Good  luck  tae  ye." 
(To  be  continued.) 

BY    THE    FIRESIDE. 

MAETERLINCK  AT  HOME. 

One  of  my  friends  who  is  touring  Nor- 
mandy writes:  "MAETERLINCK'S  home 
is  a  long  white  building  with  a  pleasant 
garden  in  front.  We  wished  to  linger 
in  the  grounds,  but  our  guide  kept 
hurrying  us  on.  '  Ce  nest  pas  permis,' 
was  his  stock  phrase.  Isn't  it  strange 
that  so  sympathetic  and  understanding 
a  man  should  refuse  to  allow  English 
admirers  to  roam  everywhere  just  as 
t.Vinv  will  ?  That  ho  failed  to  show 


RAMBLING  REMARKS. 

MR.  JAMES  PYE. 

A  novel  from  the  pen  of  Mr.  James 
Pye,  a  great  grandson  of  the  poet 
Laureate  Pye,  is  an  event.  The  work 
will  be  published  next  week  by  Messrs. 
Stouter  and  Oddun,  and  should  be 
read  by  everybody. 

MR.  HALT,  CAINE. 

There  is  no  truth  in  the  rumour 
that  Mr.  HALL  CAINE'S  next  novel  will 
be  issued  at  twopence. 

A  MAN  WHO  KENT. 

LADIES'  COLI-MN. 

MAIDEN  AUNT.— There  are  many  ways 
of  darkening  eyebrows  and  eyelashes 
artificially,  but  I  do  not  recommend  you; 
to  use  any  of  the  methods  advertised. 
Nor  can  I  myself  advise  you  to  use  even 
the  simplest  darkening  agent  on  your 
small  niece's  face,  though  the  use  of 
burnt  cork  is  perhaps  permissible  on 
occasions  of  festal  rejoicing. 

REBECCA.  —  I  am  afraid  I  cannot 
assist  you  to  dispose  of  the  sealskin 
coat.  Your  best  plan  is  to  keep  it  until 
the  late  autumn  or  winter  season  and 
then  raffle  it  at  a  Mothers'  Meeting. 
A  PROBLEM  OF  CONDUCT. 

Mrs.  Henry  Potter  has  a  black  cat. 
A  new  neighbour,  Mrs.  Wilson  Styles, 
has  a  black  cat.  Mrs.  Potter  and 
Mrs.  Styles  become  friendly,  and  so  do 
their  cats.  One  day  Mrs.  Potter  is 
fondling  her  cat  when  Mrs.  Styles  runs 
in  with  the  remark,  "  Do  you  know 
that  is  my  cat?  They  must  have  got 
changed  somehow.  Let  me  have  it  at 
once."  Mrs.  Potter,  convinced  that  it 
is  hers,  refuses.  What  should  Mrs. 
Styles  do  ? 

A  copy  of  The  Expositor's  Bible  will 
be  given  to  the  author  of  the  best 
solution. 


they  will  ?  That  ho  failed  to  show 
himself  to  us  struck  me  as  another 
spot  on  the  sun." 

Swiss  HOLIDAYS. 

Another  correspondent  at  Grindel- 
wald  speaks  in  glowing  tones  of  the 
eloquence  of  the  Rev.  Septimus  Barge, 
who  was  preaching  lasfc  .Sunday  with 
terrific  acceptance.  LOHNA. 


A  PRACTICAL  BAEDEKER. 

THOSE  who  have  shared  with  us  the 
opinion  that  a  great  drawback  to  the 
modern  guide-book  is  the  fact  that 
it  says  too  little  about  the  things 
which  are  of  real  interest  to  intending 
travellers,  will  welcome  the  appearance 
of  a  volume  with  the  above  title.  As 
instances  of  its  use  and  scope  we  are 
allowed  to  print  a  few  extracts  from  the 
section  "  Hotels." 

TROUVILLE.  Hotel  Orgiieilleux.  Most 
expensive  establishment  in  the  whole 
of  Normandy,  and  looks  it.  Motor-bus 
meets  all  boats  and  trains  ;  driver  and 
porter  in  powder  and  gold  lace.  T\yo 
thousand  cubicles.  Electric  light.  Lift 
simply  tremendous.  Garage  and  speci- 
ally enhanced  terms  for  motorists. 
Pens,  from  175  fr.  per  diem.  Single 


INCH,   Oil   TIIK   LONDON   ni.MMVAUl. 


ADVICE    TO    SNAP-SHOTTERS. 

IT  is  AS  w.:u,  NOT  TO  WALK  TOO  NFA:;  THK  HATIIIXC  T::XTS  ox  A  \vixi>v  I»AT. 


meals  according.  (With  food  10  frs. 
supplement.)  M.B.  Two  English  duch- 
esses (one  dowager)  stayed  here  during 
the  whole  of  the  last  season.  Intending 
patrons  should  ask  to  inspect  register 
before  booking. 

DINARD.  (Not  far  from)  Noces-sur- 
Mer.  Mothers  with  daughters  are 
advised  to  write  for  rooms  at  the 
Hotel  de  I' Union.  Select  yet  com- 
panionable. All  the  advantages  of 
the  larger  plage  at  half  the  cost. 
Nothing  whatever  to  do  except  bathe 
and  flirt.  Entirely  self-contained. 
Casino  in  the  hotel.  No  separate 
tables.  Engagement  rate  (certified) 
among  the  visitors  for  the  summer  of 
1910  was  slightly  over  47-5  per  cent. 
English  clergyman. 

C6TK  D'EMERAUDE.  If  you  want 
change  try  St.  Odornt,  the  latest 
watering-place  to  be  discovered  on 
this  fascinating  coast.  Adjoins  the 
picturesque  fishing-village  of  the  same 
name.  Hotel  des  Bains,  romantic  but 
homely.  Directly  opposite  main  drain 
(open  all  the  year  round).  A  recent 
visitor  writes :  "  The  atmospheric  effects 
obtainable  on  summer  evenings  at 


St.  Odorat  must  be  smelt  to  be  be- 
lieved; it  beats  Venice."  A  paradise 
for  the  entomologist. 

Of  great  interest  to  all  travellers, 
moreover,  will  be  the  special  chapters 
of  expert  advice  on  such  important 
matters  as  "  How  to  Leave  an  Hotel  " 
(see  also  "Tip  arid  Kim"),  the  contents 
of  which  readers  would  do  well  to  get 
by  heart.  Also  useful  information 
concerning  "  Old  Age  Pensions,"  "  Pack- 
ing— Where  to  put  your  Tauchnitz," 
and  the  like.  For  a  volume  of  such 
practical  utility  an  enormous  sale 
should  be  assured. 


A    MISAPPREHENSION. 

[An  American  judge  has  decided  tlmt  it  is  not 
a  tliel't  to  take  an  umbrella  when  it  is  raining.] 

HAROLD,  you  gave  me  yesterday 

Eude  words  of  mingled  grief  and  rage, 

Since  from  the  Club  I  'd  lilched  away 
Part  of  your  ancient  heritage. 

You  called  the  bard  a  scamp 

For  "borrowing"  your  precious 
heirloom  gamp. 

And  I,  who  love  you,  let  you  speak, 
Resenting  not  your  words  of  scorn, 


Though  likened  to  an  ares  sneak 

Who  pinches  milkcans  in  the  morn. 
Myself,  1  should  have  voiced 
Similar  things  had  I  got  half  as 
moist. 

I  felt  that  I  deserved  it  hot, 

My  conscience  had  begun  to  sting. 

Otherwise,  Harold,  I  should  not 
Have  troubled  to  return  the  thing, 

And  you  would  not,  my  son, 

Have  known  what  I  had  been  and 
gone  and  done. 

But  now  it  seems  that  all  the  time 
We  were  the  victims  of  a  huge 

Delusion.     It  is  not  a  crime 
To  commandeer  an  ombrifuge. 

Harold,  respect  the  law. 

Coma  round  to  tea  on  Tuesday  and 
withdraw. 


The  telegram  as  despatclied  : 

•'ll,i    linn     mini    liliH'k     Toil    /'••„!  •      'J.ii     hill/ 


The  same  as  delivered : 

"/A>    I/""    "''lilt    /!/•!'•/,•    tt'iii    T"tn  '      ''».i    lull/ 
C/lfflJI." 

Oh    for   another    HARRIET    BKECHRR 

STOWE  ! 


ISO 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[AUGUST  30,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
A  Portentous  History  (HEINEMANN)  is  in  the  nature  of  a 
jest,  a  half-bitter  and  half -whimsical  jibe  at  life,  sometimes 
philosophically  discursive,  some'.imes  graphically  descriptive 
and  always  closely  observant  of  human  conduct.  It  is  the 
story  of  a  Scottish  rustic,  bora  out  of  all  physical  proportion ; 
it  marks  with  no  little  skill  the  mental  agonies  of  a  village 
giant  and  provides  his  ultimate  compensation  in  an  entirely 
unexpected  apotheosis,  which  it  would  be  an  outrage  on  my 
part  to  reveal.  At  the  start,  Mr.  ALFRED  TENNYSON,  as 
authors  sometimes  will  who  intend  to  laugh  for  349  pages, 
lets  his  cleverness  get  the  better  of  him.  One  feels,  in 
reading,  that  his  natural  originality  of  idea  stood  in  need 
of  no  such  affectation  of  style  for  setting.  That  the  hero 
should  save  the  lady  from  the  onslaught  of  a  bull  is,  per- 
haps, no  new  thing  in 

fiction ;  but  that  his 
riett  profits  of  the 
transaction  shoulc 
be  the  implacable 
hatred  of  the  lady 

and  trouble  with  the 

owner  of  the  bull  for 

damages   done   to  it, 

is  surely  a  little  out 

of  the  way.     It  was, 

I  think,  the  inevit- 
able logic  of  that 

affair  which   set   the 

author    on    his   legs ; 

at    any  -  rate,    from 

this    point    he    gets 

and -keeps  the  better 

of  his  cleverness  and 

the   history  proceeds 

brightly,  yet  natur- 
ally, to  its  climax. 

For  myself,  I  found 

wanting  in  the  con- 
clusion of  it  a  touch 

of  matrimony,  or,  at 

least,  romance ;  but  I 

recommend  you  to 


much  reason.  Apparently  he  acted  in  this  drastic  manner 
because  he  feared  that  a  certain  wooer  was  allured  more  b 
Celia's  prospective  fortune  than  by  her  herself,  but  whateve; 
his  motive  may  have  been  I  am  not  holding  him  up  as  a 
pattern  grandfather.  It  must,  however,  be  admitted  thai 
his  declaration  was  successful ;  but  had  Celia  not  been 
endowed  with  many  charms  and  more  virtues  I  think  thai 
she  would  have  kicked  over  the  traces,  and  additionally  1 
consider  that  it  would  have  served  Grandfather  Cope  righl 
if  she  had.  As  it  was  she  made  herself  extremely  useful  in 
her  new  environment,  and  the  swains  of  Great  Marlton 
adored  her  as  strenuously  as  some  of  the  ladies  snubbed 
her.  That  Mr.  J.  E.  BUCKROSE  knows  the  social  policies 
of  small  places  is  abundantly  proved  by  Love  in  a  Little 
Town  (MILLS  AND  BOON),  and  he  has  also  firmly  con- 
vinced me  that  admirable  place  as  Great  Marlton  is  to 
write  about,  it  would  be  psrfectly  detestable  to  live  in. 


judge  of  that  for  yourself.     I  can  guarantee  your  pleasure 
in  making  the  necessary  perusal. 


A  sultry  spot  in  far  Malay, 

Or  somewhere  in  the  eastern  Indies 
Where  dusky  natives  have  a  way 

Of  kicking  up  infernal  shindies — 
This  heaven  on  earth  a  yarn 'supplies, 

A  somewhat  turbulent  recital ; 
A  Prisoner  in  Paradise 

By  H.  E.  VAHEY  (PAUL)  's  the  title. 
We  find  described  the  trader's  life, 

So  slow  that  he  can  scarce  endure  it, 
Until  a  semi-native  wife 

Drops  casually  in  to  cure  it  ; 
The  tale,  unskipped,  I  must  confess 

Is  dullish,  though  it  might  be  duller 
Bat  for  the  novel  vividness 

Of  Mr.  VAHEY'S  local  colour. 

When  Mr    Cope  of    Cope's    Complete   Cleanser,   after 
ringing  up   his   grand -daughter,    Celia  Bassingdale,   in 
8^61^  banished  &*  ^  live  with  poor  connexions, 
that  he  was  declaring  her  innings  closed  without 


A  Big  Horse  to  Ride 
(MACMILLAN),  by 
E.  B.  DEWING,  is 
autobiography  —  the 
life  of  a  stage-dancer 
as  supposed  to  be 
written  by  herself, 
ft  is  an  idea  which 
has  certainly  the 
merit  of  originality. 
We  all  know  that 
theatrical  memoirs 
contain  frequently  a 
good  proportion  of 
fiction ;  but  a  eoit- 
f'essed  work  of  imagi- 
nation in  this  form 
is  another  matter. 
Ths  pity  is  (I  am 
forced  ts  say  it)  that 
the  author  has  not 
been  able  to  avoid 
the  danger  of  dul- 
ness.  "Such  and 
such  a  piece  was 
produced  in  the 
autumn  of  1898,  and 
ran  for  twenty-seven  weeks  " — the  interest  of  such  records, 
even  were  they  true,  would  not  be  very  great  except  to 
the  specialist.  But  theatrical  happsnings  that  haven't 
happened — !  The  really  clever  achievement  of  the  book— 
what  would  indeed  repay  a  reader  who  had  a  good  dsal 
of  spare  time — is  the  character  of  Rose,  as  revealed  by  her- 
self; but  even  here  I  had  the  feeling  that  the  thing  could 
have  been  done  more  sharply  and  better  with  less  expendi- 
ture of  words.  As  for  her  social  history  and  the  divorce- 
court  vicissitudes  of  the  chief  characters,  the  less  said  the 
soonest  mended.  I  could  appreciate  their  value  as  local- 
colour,  but  as  episodes  in  the  life  of  a  heroine  they  entirely 
failed  to  awake  my  sympathy. 

"  Eight  ounces  of  flour,  eight  ounces  of  suet.  Chop  the  suet  (not  too 
small),  then  mix  the  suet  and  flour  together  with  a  IHtle  milk.  Make 
it  into  a  smooth  dough,  which  has  beeji  wrung  out  of  cold  water,  and 
not  even  floured.  Tie  the  ends  safely,  pin  the  middle  with  a  safety 
pin.  — Johannesburg  Star. 

The  guest  who  swallows  the  safety  pin  will  be  the  first  to 
be  married. 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 

V.— AN  OFFICIAL  OF  THE   RoYAL   STATISTICAL   SOCIETY    COUNTING   THE    NUMBER    OF 
CROSS-EYED   PJ5KSOXS   WHO   PASS  OVER  LONDON   BRIDGE  IN  A  DAY. 


"Lord  Balcarres  bejongs  to  the  clique  of  serious-minded  men,  but  at 
the  same  time  is  an  ait  critic,  an  author,  and  an  antiquary.  "  —  Queen. 


Heavens,  what  frivolity  ! 


SEPTEMBER  6,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAIMVAKI. 


101 


THE    MYSTERY   SHIP.  |  after  the  moon  rises  ?     I  suppose  you 

!  dor.  t  know  of  a  good  drug  for  an  Irish 

IT  bobbed  about  in  a  pool  in  the  terrier,  do  you?  Mrs.  Wiggins's  makes 
rocks,  secured  by  a  string  to  an  old  such  an  awful  row  whenever  anybody 
iron  ring  that  in  its  day  has  held  many  !  goes  in  or  out  of  the  house,  and  I  'm 
a  craft  and  cargo  safe.  It  was  one  of  j  afraid  it  will  wake  them  all  up  when  I 
the  kind  sold  in  shops  for  threepence —  •  creep  downstairs. 

a  lump  of  wood  shaped  like  a  ship  and  ••  sii !  There 's  a  coast-guard ;  come 
tainted  here  and  there  in  red  and  blue.  !  on  !  "  and  ho  dragged  me  down  behind 
But  the  sail  was  gone  and  the  mast  a  rock.  "  He 's  got  his  eye  on  us  ;  whit 
Was  broken  short.  ;  shall  v,-3  do ?  If  you  happen  to  bs  a 

Two  eyes,  bright  with  excitement,  strong  swimmer,  I  could  get  on  your 
peeped  round  a  rock,  showing  that  I  back  and  we  could  perhaps  escape  round 
was  not  alone.  "This  your  ship?"  I  the  point.  No?  Well,  I  must  bluff  him 

asked  ;  whereupon  the  small  boy  stood  j  somehow.     You  stay  here."     He  went '  His  industry  matches  the  mole's  ; 
up,  though  he  came  no  nearer.  and  picked  up  his  ship,  tucked  it  under ;      His  pen  is  unending  in  flux  ; 

"  I  say,  you  're  not  a  Customs  officer,  i  his  arm,  and  marched  boldly  up  to  the   Smart  people  he  never  extols 
are  you?"  he  asked  suspiciously.  When  j  coast-guard  and  stood  talking  to  him  a  ;      rM««"»v>   »«»'•»  «•••:*>-"«   ^ 
I    had   assured    him    that    I    was  _ 
nothing  so  romantic,  he  came  and 

X> 


LINES  TO  MR.  SHOLES. 
apologies  to  EDWARD  LEAB). 

["C.K.8."  complain*  in  Tlu  SjJiert  tlwt  the 
'•ditoi  .  nxTiitly  wrote  a 

letter  to  him  addressed  to  "C.  K.  Sh..f.V     II. 
:  also  iii  ;t   in  a  jara^rajih  whi'-h  har 

,  gone  the  iniiii'l  1. 1  :i  niiiiilx  r  of  |«iien  reference 
is  made  to  his  "  rubicund  VIM: 
likecoi/f«/Y."] 

How  pleasant  to  know  Mister  Sholes, 
Who  writes  such  adorable  stull 

On  bookmen  and  bibliopoles 

That  we  never  can  thank  him  enough ! 


stood  by  me  ;  but  I  noticed  that 
he  kept  a  sharp  look-out  towards 
the  shore.  "  I  slipped  behind  the 
rock  because  I  thought  you  might 
be  a  Customs  officer,"  he  explained. 

"  Smuggling,  eh  ?  "  I  said  ;  and 
this  sea-imp  with  curly  hair  and 
a  face  as  brown  as  his  bare  arms 
and  legs  looked  full  of  the  mis- 
chief that  makes  a  successful 
smuggler.  Whatever  his  enter- 
prise, there  was  adventure  in  it, 
and  more  excitement  than  he  '• 
could  contiol,  for  he  was  quivering. 

"  Little  beauty,  isn't  she  ?  "  .he 
said,  pointing  to  the  ship.  "  Safe 
as  a  house.  D'  you  remember  how 
rough  it  was  last  Thursday  ?  Well, 
she  never  sank  once  all  the  morn- 
ing. She  's  sailing  to-night,"  he 
added  in  a  whisper,  with  another 
glance  landward,  "  before  the 
moon  is  up." 

"But  her  sail  has  gone  and  1  or 
mast 's  broken." 

"  No,  that 's  the  funnel.  She 
was  a  sailing-ship,  but  of  course 
I  had  to  disguise  her,  so  I  made  her 
into  a  steam-ship.  It 's  all  the  better, 
because  a  steamship  will  get  there 
quicker.  I  suppose  it  wouldn't  take 
more  than  a  week  to  get  to  Portugal  ? 
Or  would  you  choose  Brazil  if  you  were 
me?" 

"  You  're  playing  a  dangerous  game, 
mate,"  I 'said,  in  a  low  voice. 


THE  EASTMOUTH  OCTOPUS— I. 
"Great  excitement  and  nervousness  have  le.'ii  caused 
among  Eastniouth  bathers  by  the  news  that  a  ferocious 
octopus  lias  liccii  sighted  quite  near  the  shore.  The 
battling  season  threatens  to  lie  abruptly  tenninated." — 
Eastmouth  A  rtfiis. 


moment.     Then  he  proceeded  up  the  ]  But  he  owns  two  or  three  parasols 


cliff  path  ;  the  coast-guard,  however, 
came  over  the  rocks  towards  me. 

"  Young  gen'leman  says  you  pertic'ly 
want  to  see  me,  Sir,"  he  said. 

To  gain  time,  I  offered  him  a  cigar. 
From  the  cliff  came  frantic  signals 
urging  me  to  secrecy,  so  I  proceeded  to 
ask  a  few  questions  about  the  currents 


"Fearfully  dangerous!  "  he  agreed,  in  !  and  the  coast  lights. 


.L'rU,llUllV    UttHtiClUUS  :          lie  U-^IOOU,  in    .  OU1U   vu\J   \>vt*LJ   '   "Q..V  -     -  . 

a  whisper,  which  he  made  as  hoarse  as       I  have  not  seen  the  young  filibuster  And  his  capers  and  high  cai 
possible.     "Did  you  see  that  torpedo  again;  but  as  the  papers  have  contained 
boat  pass  this  morning  ?     She  nearly  j  nothing  exciting  from  Portugal,  I  ex- 
could  fire,  1 1  pect  in  a  few  days  to  learn  of  strange 


pass 

had  me;    but  before  she 

fastened  my  shirt  to  the  handle  of  my   happenings  in  Brazil, 
shrimping-net   and  waved  at  her,  like 
the  Scouts  do,  you  know.    I  had  ripping 


luck;  I  must  have  hit  on  the  signal  for 
'  All 's  well,'  for  she  went  on  without 
taking  any  more  notice.  It  was  a  near 
squeak,  though.  Do  you  happen  to 
know  if  the  ebb-tide  begins  before  or 


"Dredging  operations  have  Ix-en  temporarily 
suspended,  as  the  Canton  River  has  gone  over  to 
Hongkong  for  repairs." 

Xvuth  Cltiita  .Vnraing  Put- 

Hong  Kong  is  always  glad  to  give  it  a 
bed  for  the  night. 


he's  written  a  book  about 
Bucks. 

His  eyes  are  as  kean  as  a  volo's ; 

His  figure  is  perfectly  Spherical ; 
i  His  singing  of  gay  barcarolles 
Makes  a  musical  auiienca  hys- 
terical. 

He  never  has  been  to  the  Poles ; 

In  summsr  he    drinks    lemon- 
squash  ; 
He  frowns  upon  Anglican  stoles : 

The  name  of  his  dog  is  Fit /.Posh. 

On  Sundays  he  commonly  bowls 
In  ataxito  ROBERTSON  NICOLL'S; 

His  favourite  oath  is  "By  Goles!  " 
He  feeds  all  his  goldfish  on 
pickles. 

'  A  thoasan3-and-on3  pigeon-holes 
.In  his   brain-pan   are    bursting 

with  knowledge ; 
He  knows  the  right  sound  of  St. 

Aldate's 

And  has  learned  to  avoid  "  Christ 
Church  College." 

He    never   has   dined   with  Lord 

KNOLLYS  ; 

He    never    goes    gambling    to 
Monte, 


That  belonged  to  the  late  CHARLOTTE 
BRONTE. 

By  the  shooting  of  grouse  or  of  goals 
His  life  h3  has  never  imperilled ; 

He  never  belonged  to  the  "  Souls," 
But  he  knows  Mr.  PEBCY  FITZGERALD. 

He  utters  uncountable  "  Skoals  " 
O'er  the  ruddy  Omarian  tipple. 


Make  MORDKIN  appear  like  a  cripple. 

He  breakfasts  on  coffee  and  rolls ; 

He  luncb.38  off  oysters  and  porter ; 
His  curls  have  the  blackness  of  coals — 

They  're  like  PADEREWSKI'B,  but 
shorter. 

So  whenever  in  Fleet  Street  he  strolls, 
Policemen  look  hurriedly  up 

And  cry,  "  That 's  the  great  Mr.  Sholes 
Who  writes  such  delectable  gup." 


162 


IT  NCI  I,    01!    TIIK    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  '[SEPTKMHEH  fi,  1911. 


of  it.  Great  snakes,  here  they  come ! 
Sky  's  black  with  'em  .  .  .  |  t  t  t  1 
:;:  :;:  |  f  .  .  .  Load,  you  fool,  don't 
look  at  the  birds,  load !  .  .  .  :: 
.  .  .  1  wonder  what  the  devil  's  wrong 
with  me'.'  1  knew  I  was  bad  at  the 
game,  but  I  never  dreamed  1  was  as 
had  as  this.  It  's  this  rotten  light,  and 
hands  are  cold  .  .  .  ::  ::  .  .  . 


my 

They  do  come 
a  deuce  of  a 
behind  'em. 


pace   with 
By    Jove  ! 


t  •  •  -.  at 
that  wind 
Bowker  's 


mopping  them  up.    So  is  Billy.    Hullo  !   Swinging   down    the   lino    '.   .    .  j 
Old  Blackcock  coming  down  the  line   . 


|  f 
t  . 


Rutherford's  missed  him. 
So  lias  Billy.     .  .  .  f  f  • 


i  looks.      Remember  he  's  going 


MEDITATIONS   IN    A   BUTT. 

[*  Denotes  the  shots  if  the  sne;d;er  :    t  Those 
df  the  othiT  guns  down  ll:e  lii.e.] 

WKLL,  here  we  are  at  last,  thank 
Heaven  .  .  .  Number  Four  from  the 
right  facing  the  beaters,  leaving  the 
top  butt  empty?  Yes,  I 'in  all  right. 
Captain  Bowker  on  the  left,  I  see.  J 
wdiider  if  he  's  any  good  at  this  game? 
And  Billy  on  the  right.  Billy  's  pretty 
sure  to  bag  my  birds  if  lie  can  .  .  . 
What  a  filthy  puddle  !  Wish  to  good- 
ness this  feller  would  keep  the  butts 
drained.  (He  deposits  a  large  turf  off 
lux  "fortification  "  on  the  floor  of  tlic 
butt.)  That 's  hotter.  I 'm' chilled  too. 

That's  the  worst  of  these  rough  walks,  |  Remember  he's  going  quicker  than  lie 
one  gets  so  hot  and  then  so  cold.  .  . 
don't  feel  at  all  likeitto-day.  Truth 
is,  one  ought  to  get  to  bed  earlier 
if  one  wants  to  be  on  the  spot 
at  this  game.  I  believe  this  is 
going  to  be  one  of  the  rotten  days. 
/  know  'em.  ,  Grouse. shooting  's  a 
slavery  when  you  strike  one  of 
them.  Sort  of  day  when  there  are 
no  birds  .  .  .  and  what  birds  there 
are  go  back  over  the  beater's 
heads  .  .  .  and  when  they  do 
come  forward  they  won't  cross 
the  butts  .  .  .  and  yyhen  they  do 
cross  the  butts,  they  cross  every 
butt  but  yours  .  .  .  and  when  they 
do  come  over  you  they  are  nearly 
out  of  sight .  .  .  and  when  they  arc 
within  shot,  you  can't  hit  'em  .  .  . 
and  when  you  do  hit  'em  you  don't 
kill  'em  .  .  .  and  when  you  do  kill 
'em  you  can't  pick  'em  up  ...  and 
when  j  ou  do  find  'em  they  're  grey 
liens !  ...  Oh,  I  know  it.  I  wonder 
if  this  is  going  to  be  .  .  .  Hullo! 
What  was  that?  .  .  .  *  :;:  .  .  . 
Never  saw  the  brute  till  it  was 
right  on  me.  There  's  something 
moving  on  the  sky-line  there.  Gone 
away  !  I  knew  those  flankers  were  far 
too  for  out.  Who  's  that  whistling? 
Oh,  all  right.  Now  we  have  it  ... 
Straight  for  me  .  .  .  Steady  .  .  .  :;:  ";: 
."  .  .  Oh !  Never  touched  'em.  I 


way. 


again 
work. 


That 's  a  bra:e. 

.  .  .  t  t  t  .  .  . 


Here 


we  are 
Good 

Deuce  of  a  long  shot  that ! 
There  might  be  a  few  birds  still  on  tho 
moss  .  .  .  f  t  t  •  •  •  Yes.  Steady 
.,.**....  Right  and  left.  By 
Jove!  I  knew  I  could  hit  'em  .  .  . 
:  .  .  .  What  went  wrong  that 
time?  Behind 'em,  I  suppose.  There's 
another  big  pack.  Great  snakes! 
Millions  of  'em.  Not  coming  for  me 
this  time  .  .  .  j  f  t  t  t  t  t  •  • 


Billy  's  tearing  them  down  now 
•  •  •  t  t  •  •  •  Hullo!  skimming  bird 
behind  ...  -  ...  Never  could  hit 


Now,  I'll  wipe  his  eye.     (Ferrrishli/.)   that  sort.     Simply  don't  know  how  it's 

'done.  Duck,  isn't  it  ?  Yes,  coming  my 
way — deuce  of  a  height.  (Feverishly.) 
Remember,  he's  got  a  long  neck. 
Now!  .  .  .  *  .  .  .  Plugged  him, 
by  Jove!  Now  we're  talking! 
.  .  .'ft-  •  •  Well,  here  are  the 
beaters.  (//<•  stretches  himself, 
drops  his  cartridge  bag,  and  is 
about  to  get  out  of  his  butt.)  By 
Jove,  look  at  that !  Rum  place 
for  him  to  sit.  Here  he  comes. 
Be  careful  not  to  plug  a  beater. 
Now  lie  's  well  over  their  heads. 
Steady  !  The  eyes  of  Europe  are 
upon  you  this  time.  Well  in 
front  ...  J  ...  Down,  Sir  ! 
Ripping.  One  of  my  best,  that. 
(fttusc.)  ...  Hullo!  Bowker 
fired  at  it  too,  did  he?  That's 
rather  sickening.  I  suppose  now 
that  Bowker  will  claim  that  bird, 
and  I  'in  jolly  sure  I  had  him 
through  the  neck.  Wish  to  good- 
ness he  would  leave  my  birds  alone. 
1  know  I  was  dead  on  him  .  .  . 
(He  begins  to  gather  tip  Jiis  birds.) 
...  I  say,  Bowker!  (shouting) 
Did  you  pick  that  last  grouse  of 


THE  KASTMOUTH   OCTOPUS— II. 
Thomas  Bushey,    K.C.  B.,   totally  unaware  of   the 


Sir 

havoc  he  has  caused. 

-    yours?    .  .  .   Oh,  no,  I 'm  sure  it 

.  .  .     Now,  u-ell  in  front  of  him  this  j  was  yours.     I  never—        Well,  if  you 
time.     .  .  .  :;:  .  .  .     Never  even  shook  \  are  quite  certain.    All  right.    We  'II  let 


must  get  on  to  them  sooner.     I  always 


let   'em   get   too   near.      Always   did. 
By  Jove, 
the  move. 


there 's   a   pretty  pack 
They   are    going    off 


him !  Bowker  has  him  ...  f  f  ... 
Yes,  he  's  down  .  .'.  "f  |  f  f  *  *  f  f  . . . 
Nearly  up  to  my  knees  in  cartridges 


and  devil  a  bird  down 


t  t  t 


Hullo  !  There  are  the  beaters  !  Only 
a  quarter  of  a  mile  off  and  I  've  nothing 
down !  ...  |  |  |  ...  Lots  of  birds 
about,  I  must  say  .  .  .  f  f  t 


No,   they   are   heading   for  j  By  Jove,  tliere  's  a  high  lot.     Too  high  I  lien  ! 

t  t  .  .   .! 


the  left. 

Bowker  ...  |  |  ...  Bowker  's  downed !  for  Billy,   I   expect 

a  brace.    Good  man.    Here  he  is  again.  |  Thought   so.      Here  's   another    pack. 


it  go  at  that.  (To  himself)  Never  saw 
Bowker  so  keen  to  give  up  a  bird  before. 
He  's  not  so  obstinate  as  I  thought  he 
was  .  .  .  (To  the.  keeper) 
another  grouse  of 
where  the  dog  is  now.  What  ?  It 
a  --  ?  (To  himself,  with  a  sudden, 
horrid,  inward  sinking)  It  's  a  grey 


You  'II  find 
mne   there,   just 
's 


Single  bird  this  time.     Just  skimming  j  Right  at  my  head.     (He  sets  Itis  teeth.) 

' 


the  heather 
his  feet. 


Steady 


Aim  at  j  Now  then,  steady  !  .  .  .  *  *  .  .  .     I'm 


':\\"TI>.,    Plans,    Siiec.,    Price 
B.  Cott,,  suit  left-hd.  DOT.,  5  is." 


D.   F. 


Don't  forget  to  aim  at  his  j  sure  that  second  bird  was  struck.  (He 
•  •  •  '"''  •  •  •  Seems  I  can't  get  on  ]  follows  it  with  his  eyes.)  Yes,  it's 
to  'em  either  coming  or  going.  Must  j  towered  .  .  .  f  j  f  .  .  .  Down  hy 

!  the    stream.       Good ;    that  's    always 
something  .  .  .  j  f  f  .  .  .    Now,  I  'm 


_ 

have  an  eye  like  a  poached  egg 

1 1 1 1 1  •  •  •  Hullo,  they  're  busy  down 
the  lino  .  .  .  *  *  .  .  .  Too  far  out  .  .  . 
far  too  far  out  ...ftjtff... 


Hilly  seems  to  be  making  rather  a  hat  |  line.     Steady 


going  to  get  on  to  them.     I  've  got  off 
my  bad  patch.      Hullo  !  coming  up  the 


On-, 


"  Sydney  Mm'ning  Herald." 

We  have  often  felt  a  vague  yearning 
for  something,  and  it  must  bs  this. 


any 


"The  Lowostoft  herring-boat  Doris  landed 
at  Griin.sliy  yesterday  about  l.GOO  fish,  the  result 
of  the  night's  fishing.  The  herrings  wen:  sold 
during  the  day  and  realised  £212. " — Daily  Mail. 

Your  breakfast  will  cost  you  more. 


CI1ARIVARI._SE,.TEM»ER  6,  1911. 


TWO  GENTLEMEN  OF  WARWICKSHIRE. 

Mi!.    F.    E.    FOSTER    (Captain    of  the    Warwickshire    XI.,  irho  hurt  jn.il    ICJH    the    Cricket    Championshiji). 
"TELL   KENT   FEOM   ME   SHE' HATH    LOST."— II.  Henry  VL,  n:  10. 

WILLIAM  SHAKSPEABE.  "WARWICK,    THOU    ART    WORTHY !"—///.  Henry   17.,  i>.  6. 


SEPTEMBER  6.  1911.]  PUNCH,    Oli    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  165 


A    NEW   GARDEN   GAME-" SLICING   THE   WASP." 

SUITABLE  FOR  BOTH  SEXES.  YOUNG  AND  OLD.     FASCINATING,  AMUSING,  SKILFUL,  EXCITING,  AND  WITH  THAT  ELEMENT  or  DASOEK 

SO   ATTRACTIVE  TO  THE   BllITON. 


THE    HAPPY    DISPATCH. 

COME,  Oread  Nymphs  1  and  come,  thou  guileless  yokel ! 

But  not  with  tears  nor  melancholy  wreath, 
Cypress  and  yew,  and  whatso'er  the  local 

Hillsides  afford,  and  vales  that  are  beneath, 
Of  flowers  funereal,  nor  garland's  buckle 

Of  baleful  nightshade  nor  the  poppy's  head, 
But  clover  and  wild  thyme  and  honeysuckle, 
And  divots  of  mown  turf  collect,  and  chuckle 
About  my  drive  laid  dead ! 

Ah,  what  a  shot, — two  hundred  yards  and  over  I 

By  fervent  hope  and  fitful  fancy  aimed, 
Sheer  from  the  mark  she  soared,  impetuous  rover, 

And  spurned  the  bunker  and  went  on  untamed, 
(And  such  a  bunker,  faced  with  filthy  sleepers !) 

And  bounded  o'er  the  grass  like  wind-blown  spume, 
And  found  soft  rest  at  last  and  closed  her  peepers, — 
Come,  sportive  caddies,  come,  ye  stern  green-keepers, 

Come  and  behold  the  tomb  1 

I  shall  be  down  in  twain,  and  four  is  bogey, 
And  when  I  muse  how  many  a  woeful  time 

I  have  been  foiled  by  that  infernal  fogey, 
That  military  card,  and  forced  to  climb 

Wearily  up  to  yonder  green  oasis 

Out  of  the  Libyan  sands,  perspiring  hard, 

Like  some  poor  camel, — Join  your  hands,  ye  Graces ! 

This  round  at  least  a  peerless  hole  embraces, 
Make  merry  with  the  bard. 


I  shall  be  down  in  two,  and  James  is  lying 
(I  'm  sorry,  James,  of  course, — I  truly  am) 

Deep  in  the  dreadful  trough  where  balls  undying 
Suffer  the  tortures  of  the  niblick's  slam  : 

But  mine,  she  rests  beside  the  flag-crowned  portal, 
The  goal  of  all  desires,  the  easeful  end, 

(She  who  so  many  times  has  seemed  immortal), — 

Forgive  me,  James,  if  I  exude  a  chortle : 
Better  pick  up,  my  friend. 

Just  one  wild  wallop  in  the  old  Sahara, 

And  then  come  on  with  me  and  hark  how  sweet 

She  lies  in  death,  how  tranquil,  mia  cara, 
The  grave  she  sought  for  at  her  silvery  feet. 

Strew  on  her  roses,  roses ;  spare  to  utter 
One  word  of  sorrow  for  the  wild  thing  free, 

But  just  a  reverent  motion  with  the  putter 

And  down  she  goes,  like  Bass  or  melted  butter, 

Making  "  one  up  "  for  me.  EVOE. 

"Without  going  into  technical  details,  it  may  be  mentioned  that 
for  the  purpose  of  actuating  the  device  the  clutch  shaft  itself  is  cut 
in  two,  the  part  that  carries  the  clutch  being  keyed  to  a  bow  that 
has  dogs  which  engage  with  a  companion  series  on  a  ring.  \\  MB 
the  spring  is  wound  up  it  is  retained  in  that  condition  by  a  pawl  an.l 
ratchet  To  start  the  motor  a  pedal  slides  the  ratchet  nng  until 
engages  with  the  pawl  and  also  causes  the  dogs  to  disengage,  when 
the  spring  is  free  to  unwind  and  rotate  the  clutch  shaft  through  the 
medium  of  the  ratchet  and  the  pawl." — Oburver. 
This,  however,  is  by  the  way.  But  you  see  what  we 
mean. 


166 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBEH  6,  1911. 


THE    DRAGON    OF    WINTER    HILL. 

PART  I. 

THIS  is  the  tale  the  old  men  tell,  the  tale  that  was  told 
to  me, 

Of  the  blue-green  dragon, 
The  dreadful  dragon, 
The  dragon  who  flew  so  free, 
The  last  of  his  horrible  scaly  race 
Who  settled  and  made  his  nesting  place 
Some  hundreds  of  thousands  of  years  ago. 
One  day,  as  the  light  was  falling  low 
And  the  turbulent  wind  was  still, 
In  a  stony  hollow, 
Where  none  dared  follow, 

Beyond  the  ridge  on  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the  summit  of 
Winter  Hill ! 

The  news  went  round  in  the  camp  that  night ;   it  was 
Dickon  who  brought  it  first 

How  the  wonderful  dragon, 
The  fiery  dragon, 
On  his  terrified  eyes  had  burst. 
"  I  was  out,"  he  said,  "  for  a  fat  young  buck, 
But  never  a  touch  I  had  of  luck  ; 
And  still  I  wandered  and  wandered  on 
Till  all  the  best  of  the  day  was  gone ; 
When,  suddenly,  lo,  in  a  flash  of  flame 
Full  over  the  ridge  a  green  head  came, 
A  green  head  flapped  with  a  snarling  lip, 
And  a  long  tongue  set  with  an  arrow's  tip. 
I  own  I  didn't  stand  long  at  bay, 
But  I  cast  my  arrows  and  bow  away, 
And  I  cast  ray  coat,  and  I  changed  my  plan, 
And  forgot  the  buck,  and  away  I  ran — 

And,  oh,  but  my  heart  was  chill : 
For  still  as  I  ran  I  heard  the  bellow 
•  Of  the  terrible  slaughtering  fierce-eyed  fellow 
Who  has  made  his  lair  on  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the  summit 
of  Winter  Hill." 

Then  the  women  talked,  as  the  women  will,  and  the  men- 
folk they  talked  too 

Of  the  raging  dragon, 

The  hungry  dragon, 
The  dragon  of  green  and  blue. 

And  the  Bards  with  their  long  beards  flowing  down, 
They  sat  apart  and  were  seen  to  frown. 
But  at  last  the  Chief  Bard  up  and  spoke, 
"  Now  I  swear  by  beech  and  I  swear  by  oak, 
By  the  grass  and  the  streams  I  swear,"  said  he, 
"  This  dragon  of  Dickon's  puzzles  me. 
For  the  record  stands,  as  well  ye  know, 
How  a  hundred  years  and  a  year  ago 
We  dealt  the  dragons  a  smashing  blow 
By  issuing  from  our  magic  tree 
A  carefully- framed  complete  decree, 
Which  ordered  dragons  to  cease  to  be. 
Still,  since  our  Dickon  is  passing  sure 
That  he  saw  a  regular  Simon  pure, 
Some  dragon's  egg,  as  it  seems,  contrived 
To  elude  our  curses,  and  so  survived 
On  an  inaccessible  rocky  shelf, 
Where  at  last  it  managed  to  hatch  itself. 
Whatever  the  cause,  the  result  is  plain  : 
We're  in  for  a  dragon-fuss  again. 
We  haven't  the  time,  and,  what  is  worse, 
We  haven't  the  means  to  frame  a  curse. 
So  what  is  there  left  for  us  to  say 


Save  this,  that  our  men  at  break  of  day 
Must  gather  and  go  to  kill 

The  monstrous  savage 
Whose  fire-blasts  ravage 
The  flocks  and  herds  on  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the  summit 
of  Winter  Hill  ?" 


BY-LAWS  FOR  PARKS. 

[A  few  rules  to  supplement  the   usual  seventy  or  eighty  that  menace 
harmless  pedestrians  at  the  park  gates.] 

1.  No  person  or  persons  shall  take  a  photograph  of  the 
park  or  bandstand,  or  any  portion  or  portions  thereof,  all 
available  sunshine  being  required  for  the  flower-beds. 

2.  All  children  must  be  manacled,  and  have  chain-balls 
affixed  to   their   ankles.     Those   in    arms,    perambulators, 
or  mail-carts  must  be  provided  with  gags  or  respirators  ; 
this  to  prevent  them  crying  out  and  startling  the  tish,  or 
stunting  the  growth  of  the  hollyhocks  and  young  trees. 

3.  All  loose  change  must  be  left  at  the  entrance  lodge 
in  charge  of  the  park-keeper,  as  the  jingling  of  it  excites  the 
gardeners  and  takes  their  attention  from  their  work. 

4.  No  man  shall  take  in  more  than  fourteen,  no  woman 
more  than  sixteen,  and  no  child  more  than  eighteen  full 
breaths  during  one  minute,  as  the  atmosphere  of  this  park 
is  the  property  of  the  Town  and  Corporation  and  must  not 
be  wantonly  depleted. 

5.  No  person  or  persons,  male  or  female,  infant  or  adult, 
shall  be  permitted  within  the  boundaries  of  the  park  wear- 
ing colours  that  do  not  harmonise  with  the  seasons'  bloom. 
A  list  of  sympathetic  shades  may  be  inspected  at  the  park 
lodge. 

6.  No  visitor  shall  continue  to  smell  at  a  flower  or  to 
gaze  at  a  swan  for  more  than  two  consecutive  minutes  ;  or 
subject  exotic  and  delicate  plants  to  a  draught  by  walking 
quickly  past  them. 

7.  On  breezy  days  all  male  headgear  must  be  attached 
to  wearer  by  a  strong  cord,  a  straw  or  silk  hat  being  liable 
to  plough  up  the  gravel  paths,  and  the  chase  of  it  to  dis- 
turb the  decorous  atmosphere  of  the  park. 

8.  No  one  other  than  an  officer  of  the  Corporation,  or 
specially  authorised  person,  shall  at  any  time  inspect  the 
carpet  bedding  without  first  wiping  his  boots. 

9.  No  dogs  shall  be  admitted  to  the  park  unless  conveyed 
in  their  kennels,  the  doors  of  which  must  be  opened  only 
sufficiently  for  ventilation  and  not  for  egress. 

10.  On  Empire  Day  children  are  allowed  to  sail  small 
boats  on  the  lake.     Boats  made  of   newspaper   must   first 
undergo  inspection  by  the  park-keeper,  who  is  authorised 
to  reject,  all  craft  not  manufactured  from  the  more  reput- 
able of  the  dailies  or  weeklies. 

11.  It  is  not  permitted  that  parents  shall  bring  more 
than  three  of  their  family  into  the  park  at  any  one  time, 
several   faces   of   one   or    a    similar    cast   destroying   the 
charm  of  variety  in  the  crowd. 

12.  Any  person  caught  in  the  act  of  sneezing  will  im- 
mediately be  evicted  from  the  park,  as  these  convulsions 
seriously   disturb   the    air    waves.       Where    a   person   is 
observed   to   be   struggling   in   the   incipient   stages   of   a 
sneeze,  and  the  distance  between  the  prospective  sneezer 
and  the  exit  gate  justifies  such  a  procedure,  the  officials 
have  authority  to  rush  the  said  prospective  sneezer  oft'  the 
premises  before  the  explosion. 

Penalties  for  infringement  of  any  of  the  above  by-laws  : — 
For  the  first  offence,  the   offender  shall  be  required  to 
commit  to  memory  the  whole  of  the  thousand  and  one 
(or  more,  as  the  case  may  be)  rules  exhibited  on  this 
board. 
For  the  second  offence :  Death.  By  ORDER. 


SKI-TKMISKR  6,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIAKIN  AIM 


(survtyiug  the  solitary  result  of  the  day).  "IT'S  A  FOIX  FISH  run  THE  SIZE  'AV  trr  ;    THEM  'u.  BUN  ABOITT 


//•/„-.» 

THE   1'Ob'ND." 

Aivjler.  "HAUDLY  THAT,  I  SHOULD  SAY." 

Boatman.   "WELL,  MAYBE  THE  OTHER  TWO  'D  ne  A  BIT  BICGEK. 


GRAND    ENGLISH    OPE  Li  A. 
PATRIOTIC  VENTURE. 

A  SLIM,  pale  li  tie  man — in  looks 
curiously  resembling  Sir  CHARLES 
DARLING — reticent,  modest,  but  plumb 
On  the  spot  all  the  time,  such  is  Mr. 
Hector  Anvilstone,  the  creator  of 
the  magnificsnt  opara  house  which 
has  sprung  into  existence,  as  at  tin 
wand  of  an  enchanter,  on  the  north 
side  of  Kings wych.  Already  £500,000 
have  been  expended  on  the  building, 
and  £250,000  more  will  be  required  to 
raise  the  curtain  on  the  opening  night, 
when  Mr.  Anvilstone  begins  his  cam- 
paign with  a  thirty-week  season  of 
Russian  and  Spanish  opera. 

"  Yes,"  observed  Mr.  Anvilstone 
when  we  ran  him  to  earth  in  the 
Reading-room  of  the  British  Museum, 
"  my  ambition  has  always  been  to  do 
something  for  dear  old  England.  You 
see  I  am  not  calling  it  '  The  Anvilstone 
Opera  House  ' ;  I  call  it  '  The  Grand 
National  All-English  Opera  House,' 
bscause  everything  about  it  is  English. 
The  architect  is  English;  the  bricks 
are  English ;  the  box-keeper  speaks 
English  quite  fluently ;  and  the  prices 


are  English. '  Nothing  cheap  and 
nasty.  There  is  to  be  an  English  horn 
in  the  orchestra,  and  I  am  even  going 
so  far  as  to  provide  English  transla 
tions  of  the  operas  which  arj  to  be 
performed  in  my  first  season. 

"  You  may  have  noticed  the  theatre  ? 
There  are  two  curious  things  about  the 
fa9ade :  one  is  the  paucity  of  doors  ;  the 
other  the  stone  face  in  the  centre.  The 
paucity  of  doors  is  a  problem  which 
you  must  ask  any  English  architect 
to  solve  ;  the  stone  face  is  my  own. 
Don't  shoot  at  it.  I  am  doing  my  best. 

"As  you  know,"  Mr.  Anvilstone  con- 
tinued, "  I  am  opening  with  The  Knont, 
by  Sviatntchrtzky,  the  costumes  for 
which  have  all  been  made  in  London 
by  English  tailors.  Later  on  I  may 
have  a  WAGNER  season,  but  if  I  do  the 
water  used  in  the  Rhine-maiden  scenes 
shall  be  genuine  English  Thames- 
water." 

It  only  remains  to  be  added  that  Mr. 
Anvilstone,  who  has  never  worn  a  fur- 
coat  and  is  a  life-long  teetotaler,  lias 
chartered  a  special  train  on  the  Trans- 
Siberian  railway  to  bring  over  a  .bevy 
of  distinguished  Chinese  musicians 
from  Mukden  for  tha  opening  night. 


"The  fire  spread  with  startling  rapidity  ;  it 
was  one  of  the  hottest  fires  that  bag  been 
experienced  of  late,  and  it  was  gut  under  control 
by  a  large  force  of  the  Fire  Brigade,  which 
quickly  assembled,  in  less  time  than  would  have 
seemed  credible  for  a  fire  of  «uch  large  extent." 
Dtiilg  Telegraph. 

It  is  surprising  how  apathetic  they 
become  when  they  know  it  'a  a  large  fire ; 
but  for  a  little  one  they  're  at  it  directly. 
It  hasn't  a  chance. 


"The  burning  question  of  the  day  in  th» 
minds  of  all  thoughtful  poultry-keepers,  say* 
C.  X.  Perkins  in  the  'Poultry  Review '(U..S.  A.), 
is  I'nw  to  provide  shade  for  the  fowls  during  the 
hot  weather." — Farm  L\ft. 

There  are  various   things   to  do.      A 
parasol   for  every   fowl   is   sometimes 
tried.     Another  way  is  to  teach  them 
In  the  Shadows." 


"Bov  RECEIVED  in  good  HUME  to  Educate 
with  own  son;  age  and  terms  moderate. " — 
"Members'  Circular,"  t'iril  Serriee 
.lusoeiatioii,  Limited. 

None  of  immoderate  age  need  apply. 


"THE  CHIEF  SXCRETAIIY. — Mr.  Birrell  was 
in  his  office  at  the  Castle  to-day  transacting 
official  business."— Dublin  Evnimj  llrralil. 

Caught  again. 


1G8 


1'UNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[  SJJPTEMBEH  6,  1911. 


THE    SEASON'S    SUMMARY. 

THE  County  Championship  being  now 
finished,  we  have  leisure  to  consider  the 
results  of  the  past  season.  True,  the 
Cross  Arrows  have  yet  to  begin  their 
campaign,  and  the  South  of  England 
(including  Essex)  is  still  waiting  to 
meet  XXIX  of  Carsh'alton  and  Dis- 
trict ;  but  to  the  general  public  cricket 
may  be  said  to  be  over.  The  rise  of 
Warwickshire  to  the  premier  position 
has  already  been  commented  on  in  the 
columns  of  our  contemporaries  (we 
believe) ;  and  numerous  writers  have 
rightly  pointed  out  that,  if  the  method 
of  scoring  points  in  the  championship 
had  only  been  different  (as,  for 
instance,  if  the  losses  had  been  sub- 
tracted from  the  umpires,  and  .the 
lunches  ignored— or  the  drawn  games 
divided  among  the  wicket-keepers,  and 
the  heavy  roller  insured)  in  these  cir- 
cumstances some  other  county  might 
have  obtained  the  laurels.  It  is  un- 
doubtedly true  also  that  the  'fact  of 
Warwickshire  not  having  arranged 
matches  with  Kent,  Somerset,  Corn- 
wall, Co.  Cork  and  Herzegovina,  has 
done  much  to  rob  the  competition  of 
its  interest ;  while  the  fact  that  the 
wickets  have  suited  the  county's  bowl- 
ing, and  that  its  batsmen  have  been  in 
form,  has  certainly  given  an  unfair 
advantage  to  the  Midland  shire.  None 
the  less,  all  good  sportsmen — having 
called  attention  to  these  points  and  to 
any  others  which  occurred  to  them — 
will  hasten  to  congratulate  Mr.  FOSTER'S 
team  on  its  success. 


The  M.C.C.  team,  which  is  about  to 
leave  these  shores  in  order  to  tour  the 
country  of  our  Australian  kinsmen  be- 
yond the  seas,  has  now  been  definitely 
made  up;  indeed,  it  has  been  published 
in  more  than  one  of  our  contemporaries. 
It  is  an  excellent  team,  if  a  little  on 
the  slow  side  in  batting.  However,  we 
have  much  to  learn  from  our  Colonial 
cousins  in  more  things  than  cricket, 
and  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  when  Mr. 
DOUGLAS  and  VINE  are  in  together  the 
rest  of  the  eleven  will  seiye  the  oppor- 
tunity to  see  something  of  the  country. 
Indeed,  it  is  considered  likely  that,  if 
VINE  and  KINNEIE  go  in  first  for 
England,  with  Mr.  DOUGLAS  first 
wicket,  Mr.  WARNER  and  HOBBS  may 
even  find  it  possible  to  pay  a  flying 
visit  to  the  Motherland  for  the  Christ- 
mas festivities. 

In  any  ease  we  earnestly  hope  that 
the  team  will  return  victorious  to  this 
country  (if  possible,  in  1912)  and  that, 
a  few  days  after  their  landing  at 
Tilbury,  we  may  have  the  pleasure  of 
reading  Mr.  WARNER'S  book  (on  which 
we  trust  he  is  already  at  work),  How 


for  the  second  Time  of  Askitnj  ire 
pinched  the  Mythical  Ashes. 

But  it  is  time  we  turned  our  attention 
to  the  doings  of  humbler  individuals, 
whoso  season,  no  less  than  that  of  the 
great  ones,  is  now  coming  to  an  end. 
England,  it  has  often  been  said,  is  a 
nation   of   sportsmen.     This  does   not 
simply  mean  that  England  can  turn  out 
eleven  good  cricketeis  or  fifteen  good 
footballers,  but  that  at  heart  every  man 
of  us  has  a  passion'  for  some  kind  of 
sport.      Mr.     Stanley    Nibbs,    of    The 
Towers,  Paddockhurst,  is  a  fine  example 
of  this'kind  of  Englishman.     Mr.  Nibbs' 
score  for- the  season  is  Us 'follows  : — 
Wasps  killed     .  . '.'    .     .     2,136 
Injured     .......'      497 

Left  in  marmalade     .     .  ;  8,562 
Most  in  a  day  ....        140 

-•Average   .     .   ' .     .     .     .       53-4 

Times  stung      ....  7 

*  Irrespective  of  one  day  when  Mr.  XIBBS  was 
mntini'd  to  his  bed. 

Mr.  Nibbs  uses  an  ordinary  wooden 
wasp-killer  with  a  cane-handle,  and, 
except  for  an  occasional  course  of  mas- 
sage during  the  summer,  undergoes  no 
special  training. 

Another  gentleman  who  has  had  a 
very  good  season  is  Mr.  John  B.  Bel- 
lows, of  Upper  Croydon  and  Leadenhall 
Street.  Mr.  Bellows'  record  at  the 
moment  of  writing,  for  his  season  is 
not  yet  finished,  shows  the  following 
remarkable  figures : — 

Letters  to  the  press  denounc- 
ing the  Radical-Socialist 

Government 586 

Letters   in   which  the  words 

"  perjured  traitor  "  occurred  586 
Letters   in  which  the  words 
"  contemptible  time-server" 

occurred 586 

Letters  in  which  the  words 
"  toeing  the  line  "  occurred  586 

Letters  published 27 

Most  in  a  day 3 

Percentage  of  "  perjured 
traitors "  to  letters  pub- 
lished   94-6 

Mr.  Bellows  hopes  to  improve  his 
record  materially  during  the  silly  sea- 
son, but  already  he  is  considered  to  be, 
next  to  Mr.  LEO  MAXSE,  the  most 
thoughtful  writer  before  the  public. 

We  have  left  consideration  of  the 
most  important  record  of  the  season 
till  the  last.  Need  we  say  we  refer  to 
the  weather?  (No.)  That  the  weather 
has  contributed  largely  to  all  the 
calamities  of  the  season  —  strikes, 
wasps,  droughts,  Warwickshire's  vic- 
tory and  the  extreme  fruitiness  of 
Parliamentary  language,  cannot  now 


be  denied.  On  the  other  hand  the're 
have  been  compensations.  It  is  with 
these  compensations  that  our  last  Table 
will  deal : —  , .  .  .  .  , 

Interviews  in  the  ha'penny 
press  with  a  well-known 
Harley  Street  physician  11,893 
Articles  on  "  How  to  Keep 

Cool" 

Menus    of     a    light    little 

lunch  for  City  men 
Paragraphs    on    how    the 
Stock  Exchange  is  tak- 
ing the  great  heat      .     . 
Photographs      of      people 

drinking  .     .     .  •  .     . 
That  this  has  been  a  record 
and  a  summer  for  which  we  s 
be   grateful,   no   one 
statistics  will  deny; 


7,212, 
10,999 

2.5CG 

981 

summer, 
hould  all 
who  reads  these 
A.  A.  M; 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

THE  FOLLIES. 

PERHAPS  it  is  a  mistake  to  see 
The  Follies  on  a  first  night.  Perhaps, 
anyhow,  it  is  a  mistake  to  write  about 
them  while  their  jokes  are  still 'fresh 
in  the  memory.  It  may  be  that  in  a 
year's  time  1  shall  be  s  aying,  "  How- 
splendid  Kismet  and  the  Coronation 
Scena  were!"  just  as  I  say  now, 
"  How  excellent  in  the  old  days 
were  A  Voice  Trial  and  Everybody's 
Benefit!" 

It  is  true,  of  course,  that  The  Follies 
have  lost  in  Miss  GWENNIE  MARS  their 
brightest  planet.  Miss  FAY  COMI'TON 
has  made  a  promising  beginning, 
but  it  will  be  some  time  before  she 
can  take  Miss  MARS'  place  in  our 
hearts.  The  rest  of  the  company 
remains  the  same.  Custom  has 
not  staled  the  variety  of  any  of 
them  ;  in  most  cases  time  has  wrought 
an  improvement  in  their  art ;  and 
yet  —  and  yet  I  find  myself  still 
saying,"  How  glorious  v\'&s  Everybody's 
Benefit." 

I  seemed  to  get  at  the  secret  of 
this  during  the  performance  of  The 
Fourth  Wall — a  sort  of  potted  Shavian 
play.  It  was  very  funny  in  places, 
without  doubt;  but  it  could  have 
raised  just  as  much  laughter  in  the 
hands  of  any  other  company  of 
actors  that  one  liked  to  select.  In 
as  far  as  it  was  a  success  it  w'as 
a  success  of  costume  and  book,  not, 
as  in  the  old  Folly  shows,  a  success 
of  personality.  The  Follies  should 
never  have  burlesques  written  for 
them,  they  should,  create  their  own; 
their  jokes  must  not  be  ordered,  they 
must  emerge. 

But,  of  course,  there  is  still  plenty  of 
fun  going  about  at  the  Apollo.  The 
National  Songs,  the  Court  Scene  in 


KKPTEMHEH  (5,  1911.] 


PUNCH, 


Kismet,  Miss  ALLANDALE'S  song,  "  Tlie 
Mole  and  the  Butterfly,"  Mr.  MOHRIH 
HAKVKY'S  Preliistoric  Man,  and  the 
Grand  Guignol  Tlirill,  are  as  good  as 
anything  that  tliey  have  ever  done. 
And  perhaps  the  best  tiling  of  all  is 
BEN'S  little  sketch  of  Lieutenant  Clintmi 
in  the  last  named.  Sometimes  I  think 
that  BKN  ought  to  be  promoted  to  be  a 
real  Folly.  He  is  good  enough,  but  1 
suppose  his  talent  is  too  delicate.  Ho 
must  be  nursed  carefully. 

A  final  word  to  Mr.  LEWIS  SYDNEY, 
whose  temporary  absences  from  the 
stage  are  still  the  tragedies  of  the 
evening.  If  he  read  Punch  as  diligently 
as  I  go  to  The  Follies,  he  would  know- 
that  one  of  his  new  stories  appeared  in 
this  paper  not  so  long  ago.  If  he 
doesn't  mind,  I  don't.  •  M. 

THE  RED  TIE. 
THE  man  with  the  long  hair  and  the 
slouch  hat  glanced  up  from  his  Clarion 
at  the  new-comer  just  entering  the 
third-class  railway  compartment.  His 
eyes  lit  up  as  he  noticed  the  vivid  red 
tie  worn  by  the  latter. 

"Good  morning,  brother !"  said  the 
man  with  the  long  hair,  cheerfully. 

The  new-comer  turned  a  dull,  sus- 
picious eye  upon  him.  "  You  a 
foreigner  ?  "  said  lie. 

"  No ;    I  belong  to  the  English  fra- 
ternity.    Things  are  looking  bright  for 
the  Cause,  aren't  they  ?  " 
"For  the  what?" 
"  For  the  Cause."  •     . 
"  What  Cause  ?  " 
"  The  revolt." 

"  You  mean  time-and-a-half  for  Sun- 
day work,  I  s'pose?  " 

"  I  mean  the  regeneration  of  the 
world." 

"  What  generation  ?  " 
"  The  regeneration." 
"  Ah  !  "  said  the  man  with  the  red 
tie,  blankly. 

"  The  railways  will  have  to  go  first," 
continued  the  man  with  the  long  hair ; 
and  for  the  first  time  the  new-comer 
showed  interest  in  the  conversation. 

"  Go  to  where  ?  "  said  he.  "  I  ain't 
heard." 

"  To  the  State,  of  course." 
"  What  for  ?  " 

"  For  the  sake  of  the  people." 
"  I  don't  know  what  you  're  driving 
at  I  If  you  mean  tight-packing  on 
the  evening  suburbans,  that  can't  be 
helped — any  railway  man  '11  tell  you 
that." 

"Are  you  trying  to  be  funny?" 
asked  the  Clarion-man  warmly. 


Ltttly  (to  liMtJ'rr  irlio  t 
TAKINC    IT    HOMK   TO   YOl'll  WIFE." 

Loafi'i:   "I  AIN'T  HOT  A  WIFE,   Lu>r. 


MIINK    IT,    I   »ri-|i>»»..    IV-II.AIi   "t 


I  '.M    KAHMX'    ME  OWN    I.IVIXC.™ 


"A 

blooming 

Social 

st! 

Lumme, 

out 

sheep's 

head 

as 

didn't 

even 

know 

"  Don't  you  try  to  make  a  fool  of 
me,  or  you  '11  get  a  thick  ear  1  "  was 
the  reply. 

"  Aren't  you  a  Socialist  ?  " 


"  Then  why  on  earth  do  you  wear 
our  tie  ?  " 

"  What  tie  ?  " 

"  The  red  tie." 

"  Your  tie  ?  " 

"  Yes,  our  tie  !  " 

The  new-comer  looked  at  the 
Clarion-man  pityingly.  "  There  'a  a 
lot  of  sheep's  heads  knocking  about 
this  world,"  said  he,  "  and  as  a  railway 
porter  I  meet  most  of  'em,  but  I  've 
never  yet  met  such  a  chronic,  out-and- 


Oh,  go  home  and  mind  the  baby  !  !  " 


"These  unlive  iiew.s|ti|.i*.  il  siid.  ad\<-ix-lv 
i-iiti  isfil  Liriiti'iiunt  Sliiraw  ami  lii*  |«rtv  tiir 
nut  fitting  out  on  their  journey  sooner  tlun 
tln-y  diil,  nud  <•:..«,,  1  tln-ir  rtiti<-i»ni  liy  utatiiu; 
that  in  tlm  circuiiistunii  N  In-  and  flu-  otlii-r 
lendei-s  rould  lint  do  iitheruiw  if  they  failed 
to  reach  the  Pol-  than  'die  I  In-  lioijmirmlilr 
death  '  —  which  means  in  plain  Kiiglixb,  commit 
'kali  kaii.'  "  —  ll'iiiiyiaui  Hn-nlil. 

What  do  they  know  of  English  who 
have  never  been  to  Wanganui  '.' 


170 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI^ 


[SEI'TEMBEK   6,    11*11. 


THE   FALSE   ALARM. 


A  LIQUID  ASSET.        ./^j 

[A  waterfall  is  being  auctioned  at  Joridrou, 
Savoy.]  •'' •,'•'  ." 

Auctioneer  (log.) :  Lot  315.  Water- 
fall, complete  with  banks,  bushes, 
rocks,  chamois  and  wild  fowl.  In  full 
working  order.  Now,  gentlemen,  what 
may  I  say  for  it?  This  is  a  real,  live  fall, 
with  three  gallons  of  water  guaranteed 
per  second,  winter  and  summer.  An 
ornament  to  any  nobleman's  estate. 
Charm,  mystery,  grandeur,  romance 
and  poetry !  Bipples,  eddies,  spray, 
watersprites,  echo,  minnows,  dreamy 
shallows,  whispering  zephyrs,  aged 
fisherman,  tradition,  legend  and  curse 
attached.  A  slap-up  affair.  Now, 
what 's  the  money  ? 

Eh  ?  Twenty  -  five  ?  Twenty  -  five 
what — thousands  ?  Pounds  ?.  Pounds, 
does  the  gentleman  say  ?  For  a 
fall  like  that  ?  This  is  a  waterfall, 
Sir,  not  a  duck-pond  or  a  quicksand. 
Twenty-five  pounds  wouldn't  pay  the 
water-rates  on  a  fall  like  that !  No, 
Sir !  Look  at  the  entrance  fees  alone, 
at  threepence  a -head  and  the  tourist 
season  only  coming  on.  Why,  the 
souvenirs  and  picture-postcards  would 
fetch  twenty-five  pounds  alone ! 

Forty?  Can't  do  it,  Sir;  we've  never 
hawked  waterfalls  here,  and  we  never 


shall !  This  is  water  —  lime,  phos- 
phates, hydrocarbons,  "salts,  bromides 
and  nitrates.  Bottled  and  sold  at  six- 
pence a  pint  it  will  bring  you  in  your 
capital  in  a  month,  or  you  give  it  back 
to  us  and  we  return  you  the  money. 
See?  Cures  rheumatism,  liver,  ague, 
hay  fever,  infantile  cholera,  heartburn, 
swollen  feet-,. obesity  and  the  staggers. 
Children  like  it.  Standard  water, 
harmless,  antiseptic,  invigorating. 

Eomance?  The  place  is  full  of 
romance — can't  help  it.  Ice -maiden 
close  at  hand,  glaciers  to  all  parts, 
goat -herds,  peasants,  horn  -  blowers. 
When  the  moon  is  on  that  waterfall  it 
would  make  a  locomotive  engine  feel 
romantic !  Fifty  ?  At  fifty, — going ! 

Look  at  what  you  can  do  with  it ! 
Work  an  electric  light  plant,  drive  a 
vacuum-cleaner  or  pianola,  water  the 
lawn.  Bathing,  paddling,  boating, 
washing.  This  fall  will  wash  any- 
thing ;  you  put  the  clothes  in  and 
the  water  does  the  rest.  Sixty — the 
gentleman  with  the  knickerbockers. 
Thank  you,  Sir !  At  sixty ! 

Now  there's  no  use  messing  about 
with  a  waterfall  like  this.  Sixty  I'm 
offered.  Everything  complete, — foliage, 
edelweiss,  rushes,  beetling  crag,  ice 
mountain,  avalanches,  foaming  pre- 
cipice within  one  minut?.  Good  as.  a 


family  pedigree  to  anyone  wanting  to 
set  up  as  a  country  gentleman. 

No  advance  on  sixty  ?  Well,  I  '11  tell 
you  what  I'll  do;  I'll  throw  in  the 
bottomless  pool  and  the  end  of  the 
glacier  and  sell  them  in  one  lot.  Now, 
gentlemen,  what  may  I  say  ?  Eh  ?  A 
hundred  ?  Thank  you,  Sir.  A  hundred 
— at  a  hundred — any  advance  on  a  hun- 
dred ?  Going — gone !  The  gentleman 
with  the  straw  hat  and  the  alpenstock. 

Next  lot — 431 — mountain  pass  and 
two  snow  huts.  Now,  what's  the 
money? 

From  the  circu'.ar  of  SHAH  POONAM 
CHAND  NANGAL  CHAND  (if  you  know 
whom  we  mean) : — 

"We  prepare  tlic  above  written  cloth  good 
and  give  there  different  colourd  as  fallow ; 
Suok  as,  dark-gveece,  light  greece  fare-blue, 
light  pink,  darkbrawn,  etc." 

We  must  certainly  have  a  pair  of 
"  suok  as "  knickerbockers  for  the 
moors. 


"John  Galsworthy  had  written  a  half-dozen 
volumes  of  sketches,  novels  and  plays  before 
the  Silver  Fox  came  out." — The  Book  Monthly. 

The  Silver  Fox,  of  course,  made 
GALSWORTHY'S  reputation.  Some,  how- 
ever, prefer  the  same  author's  Country 
Mouse. 


MISUNDERSTOOD. 

GERMANY.  "NOBODY    LOVES    ME— AND    THEY    ALL    WANT    TO    TRAMPLE    ON    ME!" 


SKPTKMKEB  G,  1UJ  l.| 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


"ALL  THE  LATEST  HAVES." 
SUCH  was  the  legend  on  a  card  in 
the  window  that  not  only  caught  but 
for  a  moment  l>ewildered  my  eye,  and 
in  1  went  to  investigate.  For  who  is 
not  interested  in  "  haves  "  ?  Moreover, 
I  had  never  before  seen  the  word 
used  in  print  as  a  substantive,  and  in 
the  plural  too.  That  unsuspecting 
people  could  be  had,  I  knew :  the 
irreverent  had  had  me  often.  But 
that  there  were  on  sale  a  variety  of 
articles  laboriously  made  for  no  other 
purpose  than  to  have 
with — that  was  a  new 
idea.  For  beyond  a 
contrivance  which  lifted 
plates  mysteriously,  and 
a  cotton-wool  peach  too 
liko  the  real  article,  I 
had  seen  none. 

I  asked  to  be  shown 
the  best  things  in  haves. 

"This  is  the  best,"  said 
the  young  lady  behind 
the  counter,  displaying 
an  empty  ink-pot  and  a 
fat  blue -black  exuda- 
tion made  of  some  soft 
material  at  its  side.  She 
placed  the  horrid  sub- 
stance in  my  hand.  "  It  "s 
very  amusing,"  she  said. 
"  You  wait  till  the  room 
is  empty  and  then  you 
lay  the  blot  on  something 
nice  or  valuable  —  the 
table-cloth  or  a  book  01 
a  piece  of  embroidery — 
overturn  the  ink-pot  by 
it,  and  there  you  are. 
When  your  wife  comes 
in,  for  example,  she  has 
a  fit.  See?  We  sell 
thousands  of  them." 

"  But  how  if  one  is 
unmarried'?"  I  asked. 

"  Oh,  then  you  try  it 
on  your  hostess  or  a 
lady  friend,"  she  said. 

'  But  it 's  no  use  if  they  know  it?  " 


"  Of  course,"  she  said,   "  you  have  \     "  You,  I  suppose,"  nl>e  said, 
to  think  a  bit.    But  that 's  the  case  with  \     "Ah,  yes,"  I  replied.     "  Hcfo:e  the 
all  of  them.     Now  here's  a  splendid  Workmen's  Compensation  Act!     But 


joke  for  a  billiard-table." 

She  showed  me  a  cigarette  half 
burned,  with  a  little  glowing  light  amid 
the  ash.  Also  a  cigar  in  the  same 
condition. 

"  You  just  lay  one  of  these 
the  cloth  of  the  billiard-table,"  she 
continued,  "  and  wateh  your  host's  ex- 
pression. There  've  'jeen  some  terrible 
rows  over  it,  I  'm  told.  I  'm  told  that 
friendships  have  l>een  broken  up. 


MR.    ri'NX'H'S   WARM  FELICITATIONS  TO  TIIK   r'ORf'K. 
fmisluble.    "Well,   irr.'vc  got  a  hit  of  extra  |uy,   mate,    'over  ami  ulwve 

vou  illicit  say,  and  iiiit  liml  In  xtrikr  fat  it." 


now  ? 

She  refused  to  IKS  frightened. 
••  What's  that?"  I  asked,  pointing  to 
a  red  blob. 

"  Oh,  that 's  awfully  good,"  she  said, 
on  "That's  a  spoonful  of  raspberry  jam. 
You  lay  it  on  the  Uble-cloth  with  a 
spoon   beside   it,   and   hear   what  the 
peopld  say." 

"  But  suppose  there  is  no  raspberry 
The  ja:n— I   mean,   of  course,  other  than 
this — on  the  table?" 

"Then   you    wouldn't 
| do  it;  you  'd  wait." 

"Carrying    it    in   my 
pocket  all  the  time  ?  " 

"Yes,  of  course.      If 
.  vou    really    intended  to 
have  anybody  with  it." 

"Haven't   you   any 
apricot   jam    or    green- 
gage?   All  the  people  I 
know  cat  those  jams." 
"  No,  only  raspberry." 
"Then  it's  no  use  to 
me,"  1  said.     "  Is  that 
all?" 

"No;  here's  the  latest. 
|  The    cut    linger."      She 
|  showed     mo    a     white 
;  finger  -  stall     through 
j  which  blood  appeared  to 
|l>eooxing.    "That's  very 
{popular,"    she    added. 
,  "It  makes  people  think 
you've    cut    yourself. 
Then,    when    they    find 
they  've   l>een   sorry    all 
for  nothing,  you  laugh. 
Which  will  you  have?" 
"  All,"  I  said,  for  I  had 
a   happy   thought.     My 
old    friend    Sir     Henry 
was  just  leaving  for  a 
series  of  visits  to  persons 
I  of  eminence  unlikely  to 
i  have    come    into   touch 
1  with  this  peculiar  form 


; 


I  pursued. 

"  No,  of  course  not. 


You  can't  be 


had  twice,  of  course.  Not  with  the  same 
thing.  But  there  are  so  many  :  you're 
bound  to  get  them  with  one  of  them. 
Here,  for  example  ;  "  and  she  showed 
me  a  solid  mess  of  jelly — yellow  and 
white — on  a  card  bearing  the  words, 
"  Who  dropped  that  egg?  " 

"You  lay  this  on  the  carpet,"  she 
said,  "  and  it  makes  people  jump,  I  can 
tell  you." 

"  But  you  must  choose  your  house 
with  some  care,"  I  suggested.  "  In 
many  houses  no  one  goes  about  carry- 
ing raw  eggs  ;  or  if  they  do,  it  is  not 
in  the  living  rooms." 


cigarette 's  a  penny ;    the  cigar  two- 
pence." 

"  Will  they  do  for  anything  besides 


of  wit.    So  I  gave  them  to  him. 

He  came  back  with  a  reputation  as 
a  humourist— a  little  cruel,  perhaps, 
but  unmistakable — such  as  nothing  he 
had  ever  done  or  said  could  have  won 
for  him. 


billiard-tables  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Oh,  yes,  of  course.  On  a  piece  of 
old  lacs,  for  example ;  or  a  costly 
shawl.  Here 's  a  red-hot  cinder  for 
Turkey  carpets  or  Persian  rugs.  It 
ought  to  be  something  valuable  or  the 
owner  isn't  sufficiently  alarmed."  ..,mnisnmi.  MI^IM-, 

"  But  it  wouldn't  do  to  alarm  people  ivKimeut."—  Haily  •' 
too  much,"  I  said.   "  Suppose  they  were  These  ull  men  are  too  brittle, 
to  l)e  ill,  would  you  or  I  be  liable?"  

•  •**•.••       i  *  •* 

T  very  mean       From  a  Queen's  Hall  programme  : 
man,  for  example,  and  a  very  costly      "**  3  «• a  >.«ntinK  «:iw  , 


Accident  at  Wellington  Barracks. 
"Private  Barker,  the  6ft.    11  in.  l!mia<lii-r 
<l   while    thilliug   «it»   '''» 


Persian   carpet.     Who  would    be    re- 
sponsible then — you  or  I  ? 


hv  a  tonii-  ami  iloniiiiant  b»««." 

Thirsty  work,  hunting. 


174 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  (5,  1911. 


A   GLUT   IN   THE    MARKET: 

Being  a  Romance  of  the  New  Peerage 
that  might  have  be:n. 

[A  complete,  operetta  iu  Two  Parts,  which, 
having  ITCH  hawked  aliout  during  tlie  Peerage 
niciia-'o  alining  tlio  Directors  of  our  Musical 
Comsdy  and  rejected  by  them  in  the  I'car  of 
1-iviii};  oll'encc  to  Peers  and  so  producing  unrest 
aiiuinj;  their  ladies  of  the  Chorus,  is  now  sold 
ul!  a;  \vi.sU1  goods.] 

TART  I. 

The  Scene  is  l.tid  in  the  boudoir  of 
Phyllis,  regardless  of  time  and  occasion. 
It  is  a  sumptuous  room  with  some  twenty 
entrances  to  it,  a  remarkable  number  of 
lights  and  only  three  walls.  As,  how- 
ever, it  is  only  owing  to  the  absence  of 
the  fourth  wall  that  you  are  able  to  hear 
and  see,  what  is  going  on.  this  is  no 
matte i'  for  complaint.  At  the  rise  of  the 
curtain  the  stage  is  found  to  be  filled  to 
overflowing  with  young  ladies  in  pink 
pyjamas,  their  raison  d'fitre  being 
rather  to  please  the  fancy  than  to 
assist  the  plot.  They  do  their  Isvel 
best  to  make  themselves  heard,  in  spite 
of  the  determined  opposition  of  the 
t  orchestra. 

OPENING  CHORUS. 
Our  exuberance  is  such 

That  nothing  ever  checks  it ; 
But  when  we  think  you  've  had  as  much 

As  you  can  stand,  we  exit. 

[The  stage  is  thereupon  cleared  for 
action,  and  Phyllis  enters. 

EECITATIVE — Phyllis. 
Love  is,  I  think,  a  wonderful  affair, 
And  women  are  astonishing  .  .   .  But 

there ! 
Although  the  audience  does  not  seem 

to  doubt  it, 
I  think  I  'd  better  tell  them  all  about  it. 

(To  the  Conductor  of  the  Orchestra) 
I  say,  I  think  I  '11  tell  them  all  about  it. 
[At  that  the  conductor,  having  re- 
mained singularly  apathetic  during 
the  recital,  becomes  suddenly  ani- 
mated, taps  everything  he  can  reach 
with  his  baton,  rests  his  left  hand 
lovingly  on  the  bald  head  of  the 
first  violinist  beneath  him,  smiles 
inclusively  and  u'ith  a  "  One — two 
• — three — Go  "starts  the  music. 

SONG — Phyllis. 
That  lips  so  red  and  cheeks  so  pink 

And  such  expressive  eyes 
Should  be  admired  is  not,  I  think, 

A  matter  for  surprise. 
And  when  you  see  my  dainty  nails, 

Then  you  will  understand 
Why  no  observant  gallant  fails 

To  ask  me  for  my  hand. 
Though  every  lass  has  got  her  lad, 

And  some  have  two  or  three, 
Yet  these  be  men  who  never  had 

The  chance  of  seeing  me. 


I  merely  state  the  dismal  fact 

(Conceit  I  do  abhor) 
My  applicants,  to  be  exact, 

Amount  to  forty-four. 

And  some  are  very  poor  but  tall, 

And  some  are  short  but  rich, 
I  know  I  cannot  have  them  all, 

But  only  one  .  .  .  and  which  ? 
The  feelings  I  regard  them  with 

Are  very  much  the  same  ; 
My  preference  is  William  Smith  ; 

But  what  a  common  name  ! 

Yes,  that 's  my  only  fault,  and  I 

Confess  it  with  a  sob  : 
I  crave  for  aristocrac)", 

Being  something  of  a  snob; 
And  though  the  forty-four  display 

Inestimable  worth, 
For  me  that  cannot  wipe  away 

The  fact  of  common  birth. 

I  've  put  them  off  and  off,  until 

They  tell  me  I  shall  lose 
The  lot  of  them,  unless  I  will 

Make  up  my  mind  and  choose. 
In  what  a  sorry  casa  I  am  ! 

For  now  I  must  bagin. 

(Voice  without.) 
Some  gentlemen  to  sea  you,  ma'arn. 

Phyllis. 
Ah !  Please  to  show  them  in. 

[Enter  a  crowd  of  forty-three  gentle- 
men of  various  shapes,  ages  and 
sizes,  but  all  immacu'ately  and 
identically  clad.  From  time  to 
time  they  remove  their  hats  and 
replace  them  on  their  heads,  change 
their  sticks  from  one  hand  to  the 
other,  and  generally  gambol.  The 
audience  will  be  too  much  engrossed 
in  observing  the  unanimity  of  their 
movements  to  wonder  why  they 
trouble  to  wear  hats  and  sticks  at 
all  in  a  laly's  boudoir. 

Phyllis. 
Good  morning,  Sirs ;  is  not  the  weather 

fine? 
Or  do  you  find  the  heat  a  little  tryin'  ? 

The  Gentlemen.    (Full  Chorus.) 
For  two  long  years  and  more 

We  rubbed  along  together, 
Nor  counted  it  a  bora 

To  talk  about  the  weather. 
Let's  change  the  subject ;  your 

Remarks  are  trite  and  pretty. 
Oh,  leave  the  temperature 

To  ZAMBRA  or  NEGRETTI  ! 

We  find  we  do  not  like 

Tha  vapid  way  you  dally ; 
We  have  combined  to  strike 

For  no  more  shilly-shally. 
So  ask  your  inner  soul 

Which  is  your  chosen  lover, 
And  then  declare  the  poll 

And  get  the  business  over. 


Phyllis   (singling  out   the  best-looking 
a::d  best-voiced  of  them). 

But  tell  1113,  for  I  do  not  follow,  Sir, 
To  what  negotiations  you  refer. 

The  Gentlemen  addressed  (Solo). 

Forgive  us  if  we  seem  a  little  rude, 
And  pardon  if  our  overtures  are  crude. 
You  know  quite  well  what  we  are 

getting  at ; 
So  why  adopt  this  foolish  attitude? 

?or  love  of  you  we've  plied  our  several 

lutes, 
lave  donned  our  several  patent-leather 

hoots. 
As   night   by   night    we    press    our 

several  trousers, 
So  day  by  day  wo '  ve  pressed  our  several 
suits. 

i?o  what  effect?  To  not  a  one's  recital 
rlave  you  afforded  cleiinite  requital ; 
And,    not   to   put    too  fine   a   point 

upon  it, 
You  've  clamoured  rather  loudly  for  a 

title. 

What  Phyllis  wants,  that,  so  I  swore, 

shall  ba ; 

ove  knows  of  no  impossibility. 
Permit  me  then  to  introduce  myself 
As  Thomas,  Viscount  Ninety- Seven  (C). 

DUET  (Phyllis  and  Viscount  07  (C) ). 

Phy.  Then  you  are  a  Peer  ? 
Vis.  That 's  so. 

Phy.  It  seems  very  queer. 
Vis.  I  know. 

Phy.  You  leap  at  a  jerk 

To  figure  in  Burke. 

Political  work  ? 
Vis.    Quite  so. 

Your  name  in  Debrett .  .  . 
Phy.  But,  oh  ! 

Vis.    You  would  not  regret  ? 
Phy.  Ah,  no! 

Vis.    Well,  now  I  'm  a  Peer, 

You  '11  marry  me,  dear  ? 

And  the  rest  of  them  here  .  .  . 
Phy.  .  May  go! 

Ths  Other  Gentlemen  (in  chorus) 

It 's  hard  to  believe, 

We  know, 
That  he  should  deceive 

You  so, 

By  omitting  to  say 
In  his  underhand  way 
That  all  of  us,  eh  ? 

Are  do. . 

A  Peer  he  may  be 
Vis.  '  Bravo ! 

Cho.  Well,  well,  so  are  we. 
Phy.  But  no  ? 

Why,  tell  me,  m.y  dears 
(I  doubt  my  own  ears), 
Are  all  of  you  Peers  ? 
Cho.  -  That 's  so ! 

(END  OP  PAET  I.) 


Sl ' "  MItl  "  '' 


Till-:   LONDON   CIIAUIVAIU. 


17.0 


MMer.  ''YES    I  SHAW.  CERTAINLY  rin:  GLADYS  INTO  SOME  PROFESSION  so  THAT  SHE  CAN  BE  .SOME  USE  IN  THE  WUBLU" 
i,f<ul,ts.      OH,  MUMMY!    NEED  I?    CAN'T  I  DE  JUST  AN  ORDLYARF  WOMAN,  LIKE  rout" 


CHARIVARIA. 

IT  is  now  feared  that,  even  il 
LEONARDO'S  Monna  Lisa  should  he  re- 
covered, she  will,  as  the  result  of  her 
recent  troubles,  have  lost  her  famous 
smile.  .„  ... 

The  trials  of  our  naval  air-ship  have 
been  postponed  once  more,  as  important 
alterations  are  to  be  made.  This  is 
good  news,  for  the  longer  her  trials  are 
postponed  the  longer  we  shall  have 
her  with  us,  we  suspect. 

The  KAISER  insists  that  his  Germans 
shall  have  "  a  place  in  the  sun."  As  a 
matter  of  fact  many  Englishmen  and 
Frenchmen  have  consigned  them  at 
times  to  a  yet  hotter  place. 

The  American  Consul  at  Swatow,  j 
South  China,  reports  that  native  cloth 
made  from  banai  a  iibre  wears  well, 
and  is  thin  and  cool.  It  should  also 
have  the  advantage  of  being  an  admir- 
able emergency  ration. 

Among  the  latest  additions  to  the 
Zoological  Gardens  is  a  swarm  of 
small  black  bees  from  Jamaica  called 
Angelitos.  Although  provided  with  a 


stinging  apparatus  they  do  not  sting. 
An  illite:ate  native  bee  was  heard  ex- 
plating  to  a  friend  the  other  day  that 
"  Angelito  "  is  foreign  for  "  Lunatic." 

A  correspondent  mentions  in  The 
Times  that  he  recently  saw  a  butterfly 
in  the  Piccadilly  Tube  Station.  It 
seems  incredible  that  no  one  should 
have  shot  it.  ,..  .x 

The  celebration  of  the  settlement  of 
the  recent  Labour  troubles,  which  was' 
held  at  the  Crystal  Palace  the  other i 
day,  went  off  admirably.     It  was  not 
even  marred  by  a   strike   of  pageant 
workers.  ...  ^ 

Prisoners  in  the  Montgomery  City 
gaol,  The  Express  informs  us,  are  now  i 
>ermitted  to  go  out  and  fish  all  day. 
This  is  surely  carrying  the  adage, 
"  Spare  the  rod,  spoil  the  child," 
rather  far. 


"  Women,"  says  The  Graphic,  "  are 
showing  vast  improvement  in  the 
matter  of  not  losing  their  heads." 
This  is  all  the  more  creditable  becaus3 
it  must  be  most  difficult  sometimes  to 
find  them  in  those  huge  hats. 

*  * 

THIRTY  YEARS  FOB  ONE  PLAY" 
is  the  title  given  by  a  contemporary  to 
an  announcement  of  a  forthcoming 
drama  by  Mr.  HALL  CAI.NE.  Tho 
sentence  strikes  us  as  excessive  even 
for  Mr.  HALL  CAIXE. 

*  * 
$ 

A  witness  called  in  a  cose  at  West 
Ham  described  himself  as  a  "  Spotter," 
and  explained  that  the  occupation  was 
"  the  taking  out  of  spots  at  a  laundry." 
What,  then,  we  would  ask,  is  the 
designation  of  the  individual  who  puts 
the  spots  on  at  the  laundry. 


A  beauty  expert  recanlly  declared 
that  our  women  are  becoming  less 
good-looking.  Now,  as  a  somewhat 
pathetic  sequel  to  this  assertion,  and 
by  way  of  confirmation,  comes  the 
announcement  that  nest  season  ladies 
are  to  wear  veils. 


"During  the  strike,  a  picket  visited  a 
station  on  a  branch  of  the  North  Eastern 
Railway  to  induce  the  employe*  to  cease  work. 
The  station-master's  wife,  Aliening  the 
of  the  man's  visit,  ran  out  with  a  bucket  «l 
whitewash  and  chased  him  from  the  station." 


We  should  have  thought  the  pickets 
would  have  heartily  welcomed  white- 
washing. 


L76 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEI-THMHKK  (i,  1911. 


which  separates  the  Bisbino  from  the 
vast  Alpine  circus,'  there  is  B  run  ate, 
pathetically  described  as  follows : — 
'  And  thus  the  poor  and  half  deserted 
villngo  became  a  truo  town,  where  no 
Comodity  is  missed,  where  the  air  is 


columns    of     cipollino    marble.'       Or, 
PRO    COMO.  a-^aiii,   there  is  the   Politeama,   which 

"  Yor    have   made  a   muddle  of  it,    •  is    adapted    to   any   sort    of    shows 
Victoria.     Give  mo  the  thing."  .  daily  or  nightly.'  " 

And  placing  Como  and  UK  Hitr-  Here  Victoria,  who  is  not  interested 
round  iin/K  liniily  before  mo,  I  read  in  the  liglitcr  sido  of  life,  began  to 
out  slowly  and  distinctly  the  directions  fidget,  S3  I  turned  hastily  to  the  church  healthy,  where  you  may  enjoy  perfect 
for  reaching  the  grotto : — "  '  Yon  can  of  San  Fedelo,  which  "  was  rebuilt  in  quietress.'  And,  of  course,  there  is 
to  cither  by  Brunute,  by  funicular,  or  1905  in  its  upper  part,  which  menaced  always  the  climate — '  which  satisfies 
the  on  mountain  footpaths,  vhich  takes  a  fall,"  and  to  the  monastery  of  San  every  visitor  and  more  so  those  who 
about  three  hours  on  foot,  or,  by  Villa  Donatu,  "  where  the  blessed  Geremia  remain  there  for  some  length  of  time.'  " 
Albese,  or  Erba,  an  hour  and  half  on  Lambertenghi  said  to  have  reposed  to 
foot,  or  in  a  carriage  (8  francs)  one  do  penitence." 
hour  and  a  half  for  kilometers  12.'  "  Victoria  was  with  mo  again,  and 

"  I  told  you  so,1'  sard  Victoria.  |I    proceeded    to    the     monument     of  so,  we '11  go  out  and  begin." 

"Ah,  but  you  didn't  read  the  next  Alexander  Volta — "The  grateful  mother  .. 

line — 'The  best  for  a  good  walker  is  j  country  erected  in  1838  on  the  square 
to  go  one  way  an:l  return  by  ( he  i  dedicated,  now  to  the  name  of  the 
other.'  That  simplifies  matters.  That 'great  one,  a  marble  statue,  he  is 


"  We  know  all  about  the  climate," 
said  Victoria.  "  Just  see  if  tho  ther- 
mometer 's  under  100°  in  the  shade  ;  if 


is    what    we    will    do." 

"  What  is  there  to  sec 
when  we  get  there,  any- 
how?" Victoria  asked  im- 
patiently. 

'"TheGrottas,"'  I  read, 
lingering  luxuriously  over ! 
the  word,  "  '  the  grot'.as, 
gradually  to  an  opening  of 
8  by  6  metres  continues , 
for  about  150  metres,  then 
turns  and  deepens  in  the  j 
depth  of  the  mountain.  Its 
origin  is  yet  unknown.  At 
the  entrance  !  here  is  always 
a  person  selling  drinks,  eat- 
ables and  torches —  -  '  And 
oh,  I  've  missed  a  line  ! — 
'  Before  arriving  half-way 
these  is  the  inn  of  Parra- 
vic'ino  or  Health.'  There, 
Victoria,  is  another  Italian 
word  for  you :  Parravicino 
=health.  lo  sono  in  buono 
parrai'icino!'" 

"  Isn't  there  anything 
else  to  see  in  this  place?" 
asked  Victoria.  represented  in  the  posture  of  a  deep  The  Professor  struck  the  note  again. 

"  You  mustn't  call  it  a 2)lace,  Victoria,   thinker  and  appears  to  be  listening  to  The  loud  pedal  was  on.    "Sing  lah,"  he 
Listen  : — '  Como  merits  to  be  among  j  the  first  pulsations  of  the  mysterious  j  repeated, 
the    most    attractive    lako    cities  .  .  .   electric  courrent.     The  short  but  elo-        "  Look  here,"  I  remarked  hastily,  "I 


PICNIC  RESOURCE. 
CHARLES  HAD  KEMEMRKKEII  TO  BRING  THE  BOTTLE  OF  CLARET,   THE 


THE  LESSON. 

"  GOOD  morning,"  said  the  Professor. 
"I  am  very  pleased  to  meet 
you.  With  reference  to  your 
letter  I  may  say  that  I 
never  agree  to  give  a  course 
of  lessons  till  after  I  have 
tried  a  pupil's  voice." 

"My  friends — "I  began 
reassuringly. 

"Unless  a  prospective 
pupil  shows  sufficient 
promise  of  doing  me  credit, 
1  cannot  afford  the  time — 

"My  friends — "I  re- 
peated firmly. 

"  I  always  feel  that  it  is 
kinder  and  more  honour- 
able to  tell  him,  at  once, 
that  he  has  not  a  note  in 
his  voice — if  that  is  really 
the  case." 

"  My  friends — "  I  started 
again. 

The  Professor  interrupted 


I'lE,    THE  SALAD,    THE    BREAD,    THE    BUTTER,    THE    CORKSCREW    AND   EVEN  •  me    by    Striking    a    note    OU 

"ie  piano. 

"  Sing  lah,"  he  said. 
"What  for?"  I  asked. 


THE  SALT,  BUT  HE  HAD  FORGOTTEN  THE  GLASSES.  TlIEY  WERE  JUST  t 
WONDERING  HOW  THEY  SHOULD  MANAGE  WHEN  DORIS  SAID,  "HERE's( 
AN  IDEA;  LET'S  DRINK  IT  OUT  OK  THIS." 


It  formed  the  theme  of  the  greatest 
artists  and  poets  of  all  times  ;  and 
there  is  no  person  of  culture,  which 
does  not  have  a  Strong  wish  to  see  it. 
A  :line  bain  of  hills  extends  to  the 
west.  Large  comodious,  and  elegant 
steameis  plough  at  every  moment  the 
waves  .  .  .  Indeed  this  seducing 
portion  of  the  Classic  grounds  of  Itals", 
invites  the  foreigner  to  ..." " 

"  I  don't  want  all  that,"  interrupted 
Victoria ;  "  I  mean  churches  and  things." 

I  turned  over  a  page  or  two  and 
continued—"  '  The  Lyceum  Palace.  He 
who  enters  tho  town  from  Porta  Torre 
—from  the  monumental  mediaeval 
tower,  which  risss  since  1192  to  laugh 
at  the  course  of  tini3— sess  soon  this 


I  sing  a  great  deal.    My  friends  all  say 
that  I  have  a  wonderful  voice  and  that 


quent  epigraph  reads  thus  :  '  To  Volta  don't  think  you  quite  understand.     I 
his  country'  dictated  by  Caesar  Cantu."  |  don't  want  to  be  taught  howr  to  sing. 

"  Anybody  could  dictate  a  thing  like 
that,"  remarked  Victoria. 

"Well  then,"  I  continued,  "  there 's  I  it  ought  to  be  trained.  It  is  just  tho 
the  Cemetery — 'near  tho  next  to  be  little  technical  bits  of  polish  and  finish 
erected  tramway  .  .  .  properly  facing  that  I  want  to  acquire.  I  can't  get  up 
the  entrance  the  tomb  of  Volta,  a  I  in  a  drawing-room  and  sing  lah-laJt- 
teinples  of  harmonious  outlines,  a  fine  lah." 


piece  of  art  in  itself.  On  the  headfront 
of  the  entrance  you  read  the  bronze 
inscription  "To  Alexander  Volta  the  mildly.  "Now  then,  lali." 


"  You  never  know  what  you  can  do 
till    you    have    tried,"    he    remarked 


widow  and  children. 


I  am  afraid  I  sang  up  the  scale  with 


"  I  don't  think  I  qui'.e  care  for  the  very  bad  grace.    The  whole  proceedin 


Voltas,"  said  Victoria.     "  What  else  is 
there?" 


was  so  absurd  and  undignified. 

"  Did  you  notice  anything  wrong?  " 


"  Besides  Monte  Bisbino — '  splendid  inquired  the  Professor. 


sunrises  seen  may  be  from  hero 


fabric    with    a    porch    rais:d    on    by 'and  the  large  back-valley  of  Muggio 


What  with  ?  " 
"  With   the  piano. 


It  didn't   strike 


.Si-: n  K.MIIMK  (i,    11)1 1.1 


PUNCH,  on  TUM  LONDON  rji.\i;iv.\i;i. 


177 


CORONATION    HOLIDAYS. 


I'nclc.   "XisE  n-KEKS?    Yor  'LL  FOHCET  ALL  you  LEAKXT  LAST  IEISJI." 
Villij.   "On,  IT  DOESN'T  MATTER.     WE  STAIIT  SOMETHING  FRESH  EVERY  HALF.' 


you  as  bsing  keyed  up  a  little  bit  too 
high?" 

• "  I    didn't   remark    anything  wrong 
with  it,"  I  replied. 

He  stroked  some  rippling  arpeggios 
from  the  instrument  while  I  opened 
my  music-case.  "  No,"  he  said,  "  1 
think  perhaps  you  are  right." 

I  shook  half-a-dozen  assorted  songs 
out  on  to  the  piano.  The  Professor 
regarded  the  proceeding  with  in- 
terested curiosity.  There  was  some- 
tiling  in  the  sweet  benevolence  of  his 
gaze  which  encouraged  me  to  firmness. 
1  selected  a  song  and  placed  it,  open, 
before  him.  "  That  is  one  of  my  best," 
I  murmured  with  nonchalance. 

"  You  have  good  judgment  of  merit," 
he  replied,  as  he  played  the  opening 

pan. 

"  My  friends — 

"  1  >o  you  know  the  words  ?  " 

"More  or  less.'' 

"Good.  Then  please  stand  right 
over  there.  No,  a  little  further.  Go 
on.  Goon.  It  is  always  easier  to  sing 
with  your  hack  to  a  wall.  Now  then." 


The  haunting  melody  floated  through 
the  room  and  1  burst  into  song.  Gad  ! 
— what  a  song  it  is  for  a  voice  like 
mine ! 

"I  shot  nn  arrow  into  the  air 
It  It'll  to  Earth  I  know  not  whore." 

The  accompaniment  stopped  sud- 
denly. 

"  Shall  we  leave  it  there  ?  "  said  the 
Professor. 

"  My  friends — "  I  began  indignantly. 

"  I  know,  I  know.  That  comes  in 
the  second  verse,"  he  remarked,  smiling 
on  me  in  a  fatherly  manner. 

For  a  moment  1  was  speechless.  In 
silent  indignation  I  restored  my  half- 
dozen  assorted  songs  to  their  resting- 
place.  Then  I  turned  upon  him. 

"  Perhaps,"  I  remarked  with  scathing 
sarcasm,  "  you  will  be  so  kind  and 
honourable  as  to  tell  me  that  I  have 
not  a  note  in  my  voice." 

"  No,"  he  replied  gently.    "  No,  that 
would   be   an    exaggeration.      I   have 
noticed,  even  in  this  short  time,  three  ! 
distinct   notes   in   your   voice.     There 
may   possibly  even   be    others.     The ' 


best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  go  homo 
and  practise  those  no'.es  until  you  hare 
got  each  of  them  in  tune." 

"  In  tune  with  what  ?  "  I  demanded. 

"  With  the  others,"  he  replied  coax- 
ingly.  "  And  when  you  can  he  cer- 
tain of  singing  them  all  in  any  one 
key  come  round  and  see  me  again. 
Good  morning,  Not  at  all;  pleas" 
don't  mention  it.  The  pleasure  \\;i- 
mine." 

''Mi's.    Charles   C — .    si-lei  in -l:iw    ul     l.il\ 
F — ,    with    IMT   duiiKlitrr,    Mix*    K        \ 
.lull  MUM  Mluux,    arrive*!    limn     Ihirl-in     liv    the 
liiitun,  to  stay  two  works  at  the  linunl  HoteL" 

This   is   headed,   with   the  customavy 
freedom  of   tlie  1'ross,   "  T'ie   Senekal 


Miss  N'm.sdx  TKHIIY,  as  interviewed 
in  The  I>nili/  Scir*  : 

"While  ili»'*  nut  MijjifM  HiiHieiontly  tin- 
->-iip|i  tli:it  U  tlic  vriv  li'Mit  <'l  this  traj{if 
[ore  stiiry.  Kvi'ii  in  the  lint!  •>  .-ni  my  i-nilinm- 
is  imt  jnin-  white.  Imt  nyster  eulimrwl." 

An  oyster  may  be  crossed  in  love. 


17H 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARL_  [SEPTEMBER  6,  1911. 


! 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
Anthens  (litest  (METHUEN)  was  pretty,  and  her  prettiness 
was  such  that  women  distrusted  it  and  men  could  not 
resist  it.  She  was  a  minx,  and  might  have  been  more  so 
but  for  her  businesslike  sense  of  the  social  value  of  a 
limit.  Meanwhile  she  was  very  poor,  and  destined,  it 
•would  seem,  to  earn  her  own  living  among  the  middle 
middle-class,  rather  than  to  revel,  as  she  yearned  to  do, 
among  the  best  people,  luxuriously  and  "regardless.' 
Anthea,  on  the  other  hand,  was  by  no  means  unattractive, 
but  of  a  virtue  sound  and  sturdy  (a  shade  too  sound  and 
sturdy,  perhaps)  and  of  a  character  so  scrupulous,  that 
she  could  not  appreciate  till  too  late  the  lack  of  scruple 
in  others,  and  even  then  could  not  stoop  to  competition 
with  it.  Born  to  the  possession  of  all  those  things  which 
the  minx  most  coveted,  she  had  her  life  amongst  real 
county  people,  and  kept  house  for  a  wealthy  uncle,  a  kind 
and  easily  tractable  - 


bachelor.  Andtheminx, ! 
partly  by  accident  but ! 
mostly   by  design,  be-  j 
came  the  guest  of  An- 
thea.    The  situation  is  i 
full,  you  may  suppcss, 
of  possibilities,  includ- ! 
ing  the  intervention  of i 
the  neutral  Mr.  Popple-  •, 
stone,  a  perfectly-drawn 
type  of  the  less  manly 
man.     The  wavering  of , 
the  authoress  between 
the  desire  for  a  happy 
ending  and  the  instinct 
for  a  logical  conclusion 
may  be  apparent ;   her 
estimate  of  the  relative  > 
strength    of    the   sexes 
may  be  arguable ;  and 
she    may    seem    over-  • 
anxious  to  have  you  like 
and  admire  her  favour- 1 
ites  ;  but  her  insight  is  j 
almost     infallible    and  - 
her  descriptive  touch  masterly.     Her  name,  and  I  need  say 
no  mere,  is  Mrs.  ALFIED  SIDQWICK. 


THE  WORLD 

VI. — A   MEMBER  OF  THE  Col.LEliE 


If  I  were  considering  the  question  of  a  country  residence, 
I  do  not  think  that  I  should  consult  Mr.  ALGERNON  GISSING, 
except  perhaps  as  to  neighbourhoods  to  be  avoided.  1 
never  met  any  author  so  consistently  unfortunate  in  his 
experiences  of  rural  life.  Take  his  latest  book  for  exampls. 
One  Ash  (F.  V.  WHITE)  was  the  name  of  a  lone  farm,  the 
master  of  which  marries  twice,  both  times  unhappily,  ill- 
treats  his  animals,  suspects  his  EC3ond  wife  of  infidelity, 
and  finally  goes  mad  and  hangs  himself,  leaving  the  farm 
and  his  infant  son  to  perish  together  in  flames  in  the  last 
chapter.  'Well,  though  it  is  all  told  with  a  skill  that 
increases  with  everything  Mr.  Gissiis'G  writes,  I  should 
simply  hate  to  think  that  this  sort  of  thing  was  in  any 
sense  typical.  Was  it  not  the  great  Sherlock  Holmes  who 
declared  that  a  smiling  countryside  sheltered  worse  horror 
thar»  any  town?  Mr.  GISSING  certainly  seems  of  this 
opinion ;  but  I  wish  just  for  once  he  would  turn  his 
attention  to  its  brighter  aspect.  In  any  case,  however, 
there  are  passages  in  One  Ash  upon  which,  as  literature, 
I  offer  him  my  respectful  congratulations.  The  episode 
of  Linda's  care  for  the  poor  tormented  old  horse  is  one 


of  them  (only  cruelty  to  animals  is  such  a  physically 
sickening  thing  that  I  wish,  at  any  sacrifice,  it  could  ba 
excluded  from  the  domain  of  art),  and  the  growth  of 
Kcnche's  insanity  another,  unpleasant  hut  movingly 
powerful.  On  the  whole,  the  tale  is  one  that  will 
deservedly  add  to  Mr.  GISSING'S  reputation ;  but  which 
readers  who  are  holiday-making  in  lonely  farms  would  do 
well  to  postpone  till  their  return  to  town. 

\\li2n  you  tackle  (as  you  should)  Mr.  HUEFFER'B  ellipti- 
cally  titled  Ladies  Whose  Bright  Eyes  (CONSTABLE)  and 
find  William  Sorrell,  a  particularly  modem  type  of  hustling 
publisher,  taking  such  a  tonk  on  the  head  in  the  Salisbury 
boat-train  accident  as  lands  him  incontinently  back  in  the 
fourteenth  century,  you'll  as  like  as  not  say,  "This  sort  of 
thing's  been  done  so  oft  n  before  that  there's  nothing  left 
m  it,'' — and  you'll  be  much  more  than  three  parts  wrong. 
It  is  an  exceedingly  entertaining  fantasy,  not  at  all  a  bad 
yarn,  an  admirable  extension  lecture  "  without  tears."  It 

—  does  more  than  make 
easy  capital  out  of 
incongruities  between 
broadcloth  and  plate- 
armour  habits  and 
situations.  It  restores 
with  an  astonishing 
wealth  of  allusive  detail 
and  faithful  scholarship 
a  vanished  atmosphere. 
Over- sedulous  indeed  to 
strip  the  whole  gilt  from 
the  mediaeval  g'nger- 
bread,  the  author  is 
less  impressed  with, 
say,  the  splendour  of 
pageantry  of  the  age 
of  chivalry  than  the 
absence  of  dustbins, 
and  goes  on  to  attri- 
j  bute  a  parallel  squalor 
of  motive  to  his  Knights 
[and  Ladies  and  of 
course,  pre-eminently, 
!  to  his  Churchmen  and 
Churchwomen.  Natu- 
rally your  FEOISSABTS  or  even  your  SHAKSPEARES  were 
not  far  enough  away  from  the  event  rightly  to  interpret 
action  and  intention  as  can  our  acute  modernists.  But -a 
charming  and  much  less  cynical  envoi,  dexterously 
managed,  wins  forgiveness.  Of  course  you  '11  suspect  some- 
thing of  the  kind,  but  not  quite  this.  And  verily  the  Lady 
Dionissia  de  Morant  •  of  Ecclesford  is  an  attractively 
eccentric  heroine,  whether  tilting  with  her  truculent  rival 
Blanche  drEngucrrand  do  Coucy  or  making  the  pace  in 
courtship  in  her  own  unembarrassed  and  engaging  manner. 


'S  WORKERS. 

OF  HEKALDS  STALKING  A  MKEXIX. 


"  Vine  is  the  type  of  batsman  who,  although  lie  may  often  weary 
spectators  in  England,  is  very  successful  in  Australia,  both  as  a 
leg-break  bowler  and  an  outfieH." — Times. 

Let  us  hope  that  in  Australia  VINE  may  develop  into  the 
type  of  leg-break  bowler  and  outfield  who  makes  runs. 


"  Safety  razor,  one  blade  ;  only  used  one  month,  death." 

Adi-t.  in  "The  /,<«?//." 
We  prefer  the  ordinary  kir.d. 

Boys  Playing  at  Strikers. 

"The  boyp,  who  expressed  their  sorrow  and  promised  to  do  nothing  of 
the  kind  again,  were  bound  over." — Daily  fupcr. 

They  should  have  been  bent  over. 


BBPTHKBBB  18,  1911.]          PUNCH,    OR   THH    LONDON    ril.VIMVARI. 


17'J 


CHARIVARIA. 

have  no   adverse   comment 


to 


mako  upon  tlie  prevalent  Labour  Un- 
rest, for  we  hold  the  antiquated  view 
that  there  never  should  be  too  much 

rest  ahout  labour. 

*  * 

TbeTUilwayCommission  still  thrives, 
in  spite  of  the  rumoured  fact  that  one 
witness,  who  was  supposed  to  know 
more  ahout  the  working  of  our  railways 
than  any  man  alive,  failed  to  put  in  an 


appearance.      Ho    had 
wrong  train  at  Crewe. 


got    into    the 


-.- 

A  Gloucestershire  labourer  has 
offered  to  "sw.ip  jobs  "  with  a  Norfolk 
Vicar.  The  object  of  the  proposal  is 
not  quite  apparent, 
but  there  may  be  for 
all  we  know  a  grow- 
ing tendency  among 
mangold-  wurzels  to 
irreligion.  However, 
the  real  objection  to 
the  scheme  is  the 
possible  unfitness  of 
the  labourer  for 
parochial  work. 
Language  which  is 
quite  apt  and  effi- 
cient in  addressing 
turnips  might  be  out 
of  place  in  a  pulpit. 


But  we  can  quite 
see  that  the  neg- 
ligent habits  among 
farm  produce  in  at- 
tending divine  ser- 
vice require  correc- 
tion. The  apathy 
displayed  by  this 
part  of  the  congre- 
gation at  Harvest 


And  now,  whenever  a  German  and  a  j  bear  in  mind  the  spiteful  and  revenge- 
Frenchman    meet,    they   regard    each  I  ful  nature  of  tamo  fowl,  and  to  avoid 


other  with  a  knowing  smile. 

The    latest    suggestion   is   that  the 
removal  of   LEONARDO'S   Moiina  Lisa 


eggs  in  private  life  for  the  future. 

*  * 

The  Daily  Muil  is  advocating  sea- 
water  for  babies,  but  not  solely  on  the 


was  a  political  affair,  and,  for  our  part,  \  ground  that  it  is  cheaper  than  milk. 
wo  have  given  up  trying  to  understand 
politics.     Nevertheless,   they  continue 
in  spite  of  us. 


Professor  OSCAU  BROWNING  lias 
made  a  fierce  attack  upon  the  playing 
of  the  Bexhill  bands.  The  bands  in 
question  have  retaliated  by  continuing 
to  play. 


V 


A  colonel  was  charged  the  other  day 
in    the    police    court    with    throwing 


"WlLL  YOU   BE   HEIIE  WHEN   I   RETURN,    BOATMAN  !" 

"Xo!       I    SHAM.    BE    UP    AT    THE     'BLUE    PlG,'    BUT   IF    YER    JClsT   STANDS    Vt  IN    THE 
BOAT,    WHISTLES  TWICE,    AND   HOLLEUS  OUT    'NOBBY,'   I'LL   BE  1)AHN   IS   A  JIKF." 


Festival  Thanksgivings  is  always  la- 
mentably conspicuous. 


gravy  at  his  housekeeper.  He  pleaded 
that  he  had  no  deliberate  intention,  but 
that  he  upset  the  gravy  and  some  of  it 


One  hundred  thousand  people  have 
met  in  Berlin  to  protest  against 
war.  No  doubt  M.  CAMUON  and  Herr 

VON    KlDERLEN-VVAECHTER    themselves 

would  like  a  little  peace. 

«  * 

The  latest  strike  is  among  the  school- 
children of  Llanelly,  of  whom  there 
are  seven  thousand  in  all.  Had  the 
use  of  military  force  been  required, 
everything  pointed  to  the  selection  of 
the  Boy  Scouts  for 
the  purpose. 


After  all,  there's 
nothing  very 
'original  in  the 
"Never-stop  Trains" 
so  much  talked 
about.  "  Never-stop 
Motor  -  Buses,"  in 
our  experience,  have 
been  on  the  road  for 
some  time. 

V- 

Attention  has  been 
called  this  week  to 
the  existence  of  what 
is  the  worst  thing 
in  the  aviator's  lot, 
"holes  in  the  air.'1 
"Darn  them,"  says 
the  Flying-man, 
with  more  warmth 
than  wisdom. 
*  * 

The  suggestion 
that  Trades  Union- 
only    Union  -made 


ists    should  wear 


boots  and  slices  comes,  says  The  Daily 
Chronicle,  from    the  Bout   and   Shoe 


Sir    WILLIAM    RAMSAY'S    prophecy,   happened  to  fall  on  the  woman's  face,  i  Operatives'  Union.    You  would  never 


that    our    supply  of  coal  will  be  ex- 1  The  rest,   apparently,  dropped  harm- 
hausted  in  one  hundred  and  seventy-  lessly  on  to  the  ceiling, 
five    years,    has   caused   at   least   one 


infant-in-arms,    who    had    previously 
determined  to  beat  all  human  records 


of    human 

plans. 


longevity,    to    change   its 


Seized  with  a  fit  of  intelligible 
curiosity,  President  FALLIEHES  and  his 
people  have  been  to  Toulon  to  see 
whether  or  no  they  happen  to  have  a 
fleet  handy.  "  Why  do  it  ?  "  asked  a 
resident  German.  "  We  were  only  just 
wondering,"  was  the  answer. 

"Which  reminds  me,"  said  the 
KAISEK,  when  he  heard  of  it.  And  the 
very  next  day  he  had  a  review  at  Kiel. 


Members  of  Parliament  are  the  most 
oppressed  class  in  the  country.  A  Mr. 
ARTHUB  FELL  gives  vent  to  their  chief 
grievance  in  a  letter  to  The  Times,  in 
which  he  complains  bitterly  of  having 
had  £94  3s.  4rf.,  a  quarter's  salary, 
forced  upon  him.  As  yet,  however, 
there  is  no  real  fear  of  a  general  strike 
to  prevent  this  abuse  among  all  grades 
of  Parliament  men. 

Judge  SAUNDERS,  of  St.  Louis,  has 
decided  that  chickens  are  not  allowed 
by  law  to  get  drunk.  Having  made 
this  bold  pronouncement  from  the 
bench,  he  would  be  well-advised  to 


have  guessed  that. 


V 


BoBQBM  has  succeeded  in  swimming 
from  England  to  France,  thus  setting 
his  countrymen  a  magnificent  example 
of  pluck  and  economy. 

*  * 

And  yet  the  Channel,  though  con- 
quered at  last,  is  left  comparatively 
calm. 


The  Bitter  Cry  of  the  Suburbs. 
"  Wanted  at  once  two  or  three  good  waller*." 
Add.  in  "South  n'a2et  Daily  Post." 

There  is  only  one  LEWIS. 


The  Good  Girl  of  the  Family. 
"  WANTED,  Monday  week,  two  good  sisters." 
Adrt.  «'»  "  The  " 


VOL.    CXI.I. 


I  Ml 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  13,  1911. 


THE    DRAGON    OF    WINTER    HILL. 

PART  II. 

So  ilio  men,  when  they  heard  the  Chief  Bard  utter  tin 
order  that  bade  them  try 

For  the  awful  dragon, 

The  dauntless  dragon, 
They  all  of  them  shouted  "Aye!  " 
For  everyone  felt  assured  that  he, 
Whatever  the  fate  of  the  rest  might  bo, 
However  few  of  them  might  survive, 
Was  .certainly  safe  to  stay  alive, 
And  was  probably  bound  to  deal  the  blow 
That  would  shatter  the  beast  and  lay  him  low, 
And  end  the  days  of  their  dragon-foe. 
And  all  the  women-folk  egged  them  on  : 
It  was  "  Up  with  your  heart,  and  at  him,  John  !  " 
Or  "  Gurth,  you  '11  bring  me  his  ugly  head," 
Or  "  Lance,  my  man,  when  you  've  struck  him  dead 
When  he  hasn't  a  wag  in  his  fearful  tail, 
Carve  off  and  bring  me  a  blue-green  scale." 
Then  they  set  to  work  at  their  swords  and  spears — 
Such  a  polishing  hadn't  been  seen  for  years. 
They  made  the  tips  of  their  arrows  sharp, 
Re-strung  and  burnished  the  Chief  Bard's  harp, 
Dragged  out  the  traditional  dragon-bag, 
Sewed  up  the  rents  in  the  tribal  flag ; 
And  all  in  the  midst  of  the  talk  and  racket 
Each  wife  was  making  her  man  a  packet — 
A  hunch  of  bread  and  a  wedge  of  cheese 
And  a  nubble  of  beef,  and,  to  moisten  these, 
A  flask  of  her  home-brewed,  not  too  thin, 
As  a  driving  force  for  his  javelin 

When  the  moment  arrived  to  spill 

The  blood  of  the  terror 

Hatched  out  in  error 

Who  had  perched  his  length  on  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the 
summit  of  Winter  Hill. 

The  night  had  taken  her  feast  of  stars,  and  the  sun  shot  up 
in  flame, 

When  "  Now  for  the  dragon ! 

Who  hunts  the  dragon  ?  " 
The  call  from  the  watchers  came  ; 
And,  shaking  the  mists  of  sleep  away, 
The  men  stepped  into  the  light  of  day, 
Twice  two  hundred  in  loose  array  ; 
With  a  good  round  dozen  of  bards  to  lead  them 
And  their  wives  all  waving  their  hands  to  speed  them, 
While  the  Chief  Bard,  fixed  in  his  chair  of  state, 
With  his  harp  and  his  wreath  looked  most  sedate. 
It  wasn't  his  place  to  fight  or  tramp  ; 
When  the  warriors  went  he  stayed  in  camp ; 
But  still  from  his  chair  he  harped  them  on 
Till  the  very  last  of  the  host  had  gone; 
Then  he  yawned  and  solemnly  shook  his  head 
And,  leaving  his  seat,  returned  to  bed, 

To  sleep,  as  a  good  man  will 
Who,  braving  malice  and  tittle-tattle, 
Has  checked  his  natural  lust  for  battle, 
And  sent  the  rest  to  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the  summit  of 
Winter  Hill. 

PART  III. 

Marching  at  ease  in  the  cheerful  air,  on  duty  and  daring  bent, 

In  quest  of  the  dragon, 

The  fateful  dragon, 
The  fierce  four  hundred  went : 
Over  the  hills  and  through  the  plain, 


And  up  the  slopes  of  the  hills  again. 

The  sleek  rooks,  washed  in  the  morning's  dew, 

Eose  at  their  coming  and  Happed  and  flew 

In  a  black  procession  athwart  the  blue; 

And  the  plovers  circled  about  on  high 

With  many  a  querulous  piping  cry. 

And  the  cropping  ewes  and  the  old  bell-wether 

Looked  up  in  terror  and  pushed  together ; 

And  still  with  a  grim  unbroken  pace 

The  men  moved  on  to  their  battle-place. 

Softly,  silently,  all  tip-toeing, 

Witli  their  lips  drawn  tight  and  their  eyes  all  glowing, 

With  gleaming  testh  and  straining  ears 

And  the  sunshine  laughing  on  swords  and  spears. 

Softly,  silently  on  they  go 

To  the  hidden  lair  of  the  fearful  foe. 

They  have  neared  the  stream,  they  have  crossed  the 

bridge, 

And  they  stop  in  s:ght  of  the  rugged  ridge, 
And  it 's  "  Flankers  back  !  "  and  "  Skirmishers  in  !  " 
And  the  summit  is  theirs  to  lose  or  win — 
To  win  with  honour  or  lose  with  shame  ; 
And  so  to  the  place  itself  they  came, 
And  gazed  with  an  awful  thrill 

At  the  ridge  of  omen, 

Beset  by  foemen, 

.\t  the  arduous  summit,  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the  summit 
of  Winter  Hill. 

But  where  was  the  dragon,  the  scale-clad  dragon,  the  dragon 
that  Dickon  saw, 

The  genuine  dragon, 

The  pitiless  dragon, 
The  dragon  that  knew  no  law  ? 
Lo,  just  as  the  word  to  charge  rang  out, 
.A nl  before  they  could  give  their  battle  shout, 

On  a  stony  led^e  f 

Of  the  ridge's  edge, 

With  its  lips  curled  back  and  its  teeth  laid  bare, 
And  a  hiss  that  ripped  the  morning  air, 

With  its  backbone  arched 

And  its  tail  w.  11  starched, 
With  bristling  hair  and  flattened  ears, 
What  shape  of  courage  and  wrath  appears  ? 
A  cat,  a  tortoiseshell  mother-cat ! 
And  a  very  diminutive  cat  at  that ! 
And  below  her,  nesting  upon  the  ground, 
A  litter  of  tiny  kits  they  found  : 
Tortoiseshell  kittens,  one,  two,  three, 
Lying  as  snug  as  snug  could  be. 
And  they  took  the  kittens  with  shouts  of  laughter 
And  turned  for  home,  and  the  cat  came  after. 
And  when  in  the  camp  they  told  their  tale, 
The  women— but  stop  !  I  draw  a  veil. 
The  cat  had  tent-life  forced  upon  her 
And  was  kept  in  comfort  and  fed  with  honour; 
But  Dickon  has  hear  1  his  fill 

Of  the  furious  dragon 

They  tried  to  bag  on 
The  dragonless  summit,  the  gorse-clad  summit,  the  summit 
of  Winter  Hill !  R.  C.  L. 


A  Broken  Heed. 

"LOST,  between  Beaconsfield  Place  and  Bridge  Street, 
:T?'" — Ailvt,  in  "Aberdeen  Evening  Exprtit." 


Quaint  Local  Customs  :    I.  An  Uxbridge  Saying. 
"Once  more  the  long-suflWint;  ratepayer  demands,  plaintively  but 
lucratively— '  Why  it  this  thus  ? '  "—Vxbrittgt  Gir.cttc. 


PUNCH.  OB  THE  LONDON  CHABIVABI.-SBPTKMBKB  13,  1011. 


.. 


OFT   IN   THE   STILLY  NIGHT.' 


"METHOUGHT,  I  HEAED  A  VOICE  CKY,  'SLEEP  NO  MORE! 
STILL  IT  CEIED!  'SLEEP  NO  MOKE  !•  TO  ALL  THE  HOUSE; 

(Macbeth,  Act  If..  Scene  1.) 


13.  1911.] 


PUNCH,    OR    THK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


183 


THE   DKEMSIXG-BAG   HALF-STEP,    AS   DANCED   IS  THE  CollXI.SH   RlVIERA. 


TO  T.   W.  BURGESS 
(Who  swam  the  Channel  on  Septeii.Ie'  8th). 

A  HEALTH  to  bold  BURGESS  !     All  honour  to  him, 

And  a  full  meed  of  fame  to  his  marvellous  swim ! 

He  had  strength,  skill  and  stoutness,  endurance  and  pluck, 

And  a  varied  assortment  of  good  and  bad  luck. 

The  waves  couldn't  stop  or  the  currents  defeat  him, 

Though  they  all  did  their  utmost  to  baffle  and  baat  him, 

While  the  tides  to-and-fro-ed  him  and  led  him  a  dance 

From  the  white  cliffs  of  Kent  to  the  Grey  Nose  of  France ; 

And  there,  when  at  last  they  could  flout  him  no  more, 

They  retired  in  disgust  and  he  paddled  ashore. 

Mr.  Punch,  who  likes  heroes — BILL  BURGESS  is  one — 

Salutes  him  (on  land)  with  a  hearty  "  Well  Done  1 " 


DORMANT   POETRAITUEE. 

WE  have  it  on  the  indisputable  authority  of  The  Daily 
Mirror,  that  a  new  photographic  fashion  is  on  the 
way  from  America,  and  that  people  are  not  only  to  be 
taken  while  they  waib,  but  svhile  they  sleep— or  snore. 
This*  may  be  all  right  for  those  of  us  who  are  sleeping 
beauties  or  postcard  divinities,  who  would  like  to  have 
forty  winks  (at  the  photographer),  but  we  can't  all  sleep 
to  order,  and  some  people  jib  at  an  anaesthetist.  Still,  we 
have  been  so  familiarised  lately  with  bedroom  scenes  on 
the  stage,  that  we  shall  no  doubt  collect  unblenchingly 
the  portraits  of  our  pyjama-clad  or  curl-papered  friends, 
taken  recumbent  and  unawares.  We  shall,  at  any  rate, 
know  what  they  look  like,  minus  the  studio  grin  or  the 
Society  mask,  and  read  their  characters  accordingly. 
Every  well-equipped  camera-artist  will  now  receive  his 
victims  in  his  own  private  dormitory  or  doss-house,  accord- 
ing to  circumstances.  Refractory  patients  will,  of  course. 


have  to  be  dealt  with  by  a  skilled  hypnotist,  or  put  to  sleep 
with  an  upper  cut  on  tho  point  of  the  jaw  by  a  tactful 
pugilist.  Custom?rs  who  ne^d  less  drastic  treatment  may 
be  soothed  into  slumber  by  a  selection  of  the  Hundred 
Worst  Sermons  or  the  recital,  say,  of  "  Curfew  shall  not  ring 
to-i)ight !  "  adequately  droned.  For  really  desperate  cases 
of  insomnia  the  lethal  chamber  will  bo  the  ultimate  resort. 

It  is  to  be  hoped,  all  tho  same,  that  there  will  be  no 
further  developments  of  this  kind  of  portraiture.  We  don't 
look  our  best,  for  instance,  when  shaving  or  having  a  hair- 
cut, and  not  every  lady  is  a  heroine  to  her  lady's-mai.i. 
Sleep-walkers  also  are  apt  to  wear  a  worried  expression, 
and  should  not  be  chased  by  the  suap-shotter.  We  think, 
too,  it  would  not  be  quite  fair  to  bring  the  newly- invented 
cinephonograph  into  play,  and  record  the  chance  remarks 
of  talkative  slumberers.  Persons  engaged  with  a  nightmare 
should  be  allowed  to  work  it  off  before  being  operated  upon. 

With  these  few  precautions,  we  look  forward  to  a  re- 
freshing variety  in  the  portrait-studies  of  our  private 
acquaintances  and  public  favourites  in  the  shop-windows. 

"East  is  East  and  West  is  East." 

"The  mormnj;  sun  was  shining  full  upon  the  beautiful  we»t  front  of 
Lichficld  Cathedral."—  }'orlahire  Post. 

We  had  always  meant  to  begin  our  novel  like  this,  but, 
alas  !  we  have  been  forestalled. 


"The  Indian  Civil  Examinations  last  ninny  days,  and  the  maximum 
number  of  marks  is  6,000,  of  which  s.itn  •  of  the  candidate  Will  !«• 
rewarded  by  not  one,  the  system  of  in.irking  lieing  |ieciiliar,  all  candidate* 
scoring  20,  and  fewer  are  credited  with  nothing.  ' — Glatgote  A'etrs. 

It  is  only  fair  to  intending  competitors  in  Glasgow  to  point 
out  that  in  practice  this  rule  is  less  harsh  than  it  seems. 
It  is  very  rarely  indeed  that  a  candidate  fails  to  secure  an 
appointment  simply  because  he  has  scored  only  19  marks 
out  of  6,000,  instead  of  20. 


184 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  13,  1911. 


HOW  THEY   BEGAN. 

The  Daily  Chronicle  of  last  Thun 
day  contained  an  interesting  accoun 
given  by  Lord  Km 'HKNKR'S  cousin 
Mr.  F.  E.  KITCHENER,  Chairman  of  the 
Staffordshire  Education  Committee,  a 
a  prize-giving  at  Stone,  of  the  earl) 
youth  of  the  great  Field-Marshal.  MI- 
KITCHENER  said  ho  had  something  to 
do  with  his  cousin's  early  education 
"Lord  Kitchener  was  then  a  tall 
overgrown  lad,  nearly  6ft.  lin.  ii 
height.  He  managed  to  scramble  into 
Woolwich;  he  was  not  high  in  the  lists 
and  no  one  thought  anything  abou 
him.  After  leaving  Woolwich  he  go 
his  commission  in  the  Eoyal  Engi- 
neers, and  still  no  one  thought  much 
about  him.  He  got  his  first  move  up 
in  the  world  when  he  was  appointee 
on  the  Palestine  Survey,  and  here  he 
learnt  how  to  manage  native  soldiers, 
and  acquired  a  great  deal  of  that  com- 
mand over  men  which  to-day  dis- 
tinguished him.  He  got  that,  his  first 
appointment,  because  some  one  was 
wanted  to  go  to  Palestine  and  take 
photographs,  and  it  was  this  knowledge 
that  gave  Lord  Kitchener  the  lift  up." 
We  gather  from  the  above  affecting 
recital  that  Mr.  KITCHENER  instructed 
his  cousin  in  the  use  of  the  camera. 
But  this  is  not  an  isolated  case  of  the 
assistance  afforded  to  budding  genius 
by  distant  members  of  the  same  family, 
as  the  following  examples  culled  from 
the  provincial  press  will  sufficiently 
establish. 

The  Rev.  Septimus  Hawthorne  Tree, 
on    the   occasion   of  the  prize  distri- 
bution   at    an    Agricultural   Show  at 
Flampton    Parva    on    Thursday,    en- 
tranced his  hearers  with  some  striking 
reminiscences  of  his  famous  relative, 
Sir  HERBERT.     "  HERBERT,"  said  Mr. 
Tree,   "  when   I   first  remember  him, 
was    a    child    of  a  curiously  bucolic 
temperament,  deeply  interested  in  rural 
affairs— poultry,  pigs  and  suchlike,  but 
with  no  intellectual  interests.     Being 
slightly  his  senior,  I  was  able  to  exer- 
sise  some  influence  over  him,  and  lent 
iim    books  to  read.    I  had  recently 
)een  spending  my  holidays  in  Switzer- 
^and,  where  I  had  learned  the  art  of 
odelling    from    the'  peasants  of  that 
}icturesque    country — an    art  that    I 
lave  not  yet  forgotten."    Mr.    TREE 
here  uttered  the  familiar  "Tra-la-liety  " 
with  a  gusto  and  precision  that  electri- 
fied his  audience.    After  the  applause 
had  died  down,  Mr.   Tree  continued: 
"  One  day,  when  I  was  indulging  in 
my   new    accomplishment,    HERBERT 
begged    me    to  impart  it  to  him.     I 
complied,  with  such  good  results  that 
at  a  penny  reading  held  shortly  after- 
wards   he    performed    the    Bam    des 


Vaches  with  such  success  as  to  win  the 
commendation  of  a  theatrical  manager 
who  chanced  to  be  present,  and  im- 
mediately offered  him  an  engagement 
in  his  company.  Thus  it  was  through 
me  that  HERBERT  acquired  the  rudi- 
ments of  dramatic  elocution  that  gave 
him  his  first  leg  up  on  the  ladder  o 
histrionic  fame." 

Mr.  Orlando  P.  Maxse,  third  cousin 
once  removed  of  the  Editor  of  The 
National  Review,  gave  some  interesting 
details  as  to  the  early  years  of  hi 
distinguished  relative,  at  a  meeting  oi 
the  Bacup  branch  of  the  Halsbury 
Guild  on  Saturday  last.  He  said  that 
when  he  first  met  his  cousin  he  was  a 
reserved,  quiet  lad  of  gentle  demeanoiu 
and  strong  Teutonic  proclivities.  "  No 
one  thought  much  of  him,"  continued 
Mr.  Orlando  Maxse,  "  until  I  took  his 
education  in  hand  and,  in  particular, 
addressed  myself  to  the  task  of  '  bring- 
ing up '  his  patriotism,  which  was 
latent,  if  not  non-existent.  Thanks, 
iiowever,  to  my  instruction,  he  made 
rapid  progress  and  soon  attained  a 
mastery  of  forcible  epithets  which 
would  not  discredit  the  fo'c's'le  of  a 
whaler.  In  particular,  I  taught  him  the 
rue  use  of  the  phrases,  '  Mandarin,' 
Iscariot,'  '  poisonous  politician,'  and 
slimy  arch-scuttler.'  From  that  mo- 
ment he  has  never  looked  back,  and 
now  has  no  superior  in  the  gentle  art  of 
ornamental  objurgation." 

At  a  picnic  held  last  Friday  at 
Moreton-in-the-Marsh  by  the  local 
Brass  Band,  Mr.  Harold  Dubberley, 
;he  honorary  conductor,  gave  some 
nteresting  particulars  about  the  early 
youth  of  his  relative  by  marriage,  the 
POET  LAUREATE.  Mr.  Dubberley  ad- 
mitted that  the  relationship  was  re- 
mote, his  great-grand-uncle  having 
married  the  step-daughter  of  Mr. 
AUSTIN'S  great-grandfather,  but  they 
lad  been  at  the  same  school  and  were 
n  the  same  class.  Strange  to  say, 
Mr.  AUSTIN'S  tastes  in  those  days  were 
strongly  military,  and  he  had  decided 
,o  enter  the  Guards  when  Mr.  Dubberley 
>egged  him  to  reconsider  his  verdict  on 
he  strength  of  a  satiric  stanza  which 
le  had  composed  about  the  French 
master.  It  ran  as  follows : — 

"Why  should  we,  honest  English  boys, 
Learn  French,  a  base  barbaric  noise  ? 
Sooner  than  grovel  to  a  Frog 
I  'd  change  my  nature  with  a  dog." 

betters  not  arms  was  clearly  the  career 
designed  for  the  author  of  so  brilliant 
a  pasquinade.    After  some  hesitation 
r.  AUSTIN  wrote  to  the  War  Office 
mnouncing  his  change  of  plans,  and 
levoted  himself  thenceforth  exclusively 
o  the  Muses. 

Mr.   GEORGE   GREENWOOD,  M.P.,  it 
is  not  generally  known,  was  bent  on 


becoming  an  acrobat.  But  he  was 
rescued  from  this  deplorable  sacrifice 
of  his  great  literary  talents  by  the 
timely  intervention  of  his  relation,  Sir 
H.  Greenwood  Tree,  who  instructed 
him  in  the  true  cult  of  the  Stratford- 
on-Avon  play  actor  and  in  the  crypto- 
grarnmatic  art,  with  results  which 
have  so  greatly  conduced  to  the  satis- 
faction of  Sir  SIDNEY  LEE  and  Canon 
BEECHING. 

At  the  annual  Wayzgoose  of  the 
Golder's  Green  Temperance  Bicycle 
Polo  Club,  held  last  Saturday  at 
Yarmouth,  Mr.  A.  Kipling  Common 
regaled  the  company  with  some  choice 
anecdotes  of  the  early  days  of  his 
illustrious  relation,  Mr.  EUDYARD 
KIPLING.  "  In  those  days,"  observed 
the  narrator,  "  EUDYARD  was  thought 
nothing  of  by  his  friends.  But  the 
sight  of  one  of  my  letters  in  The  Norn- 
imj  Post  so  fired  his  emulation  that  he 
decided  to  give  up  the  Church,  for 
which  he  was  studying,  and  take  to 
journalism.  The  impetus  given  by  my 
example  thus  gave  him  the  first  lift  on 
the  upward  course  which  carried  him  to 
the  citadel  of  fame." 

TO   A   CIVIC   SEA-GULL. 
You  that  flit  over  the  river, 

Tern  of  the  Westminster  tide, 
Where  the  black  barges  deliver 

Coal  on  the  Waterloo  side, 
Renegade  fowl  and  domestic, 
Wouldn't  you  rather  to-day 
Be  where  Atlantic   swings  grave  and 

gigantic 

Into  a  seal-haunted,  salmon-run  bay, 
Where  the  two  Uists  loom  lone   and 

majestic, 
Far,  far  away  ? 

orky  you  come  as  the  sparrows, 

Seeking  the  bard  and  his  dole, 
Sprats  from  itinerant  barrows, 

Crumbs  for  to  comfort  your  soul — 
Say,  shall  he  pass  you  unheeding, 

Deaf  to  your  mendicant  woe, 
All  unobserving  of  white  wings  a-curv- 

ing- 

Or  shall  he  soften  and  suddenly  glow — 
Wax   at   the   wail    of    your    indigent 

pleading  ? 
Possibly  so. 

For,  with  your  fluttersome  fawning, 

For,  with  your  parasite  cries, 
Somehow  he  sniffs  the  cool  dawning, 

Somehow  he  sees  the  grey  skies 
Bend  o'er  the  grey  of  the  Islands, 

Glint  on  the  tides  where  they  quest 
3awk- winged,  thoseothers,  your  hardier 
brothers, 

Wilder  of  pinion  and  bolder  of  breast, 
3y  the  dark  shores  where  their  skerries 
and  highlands 

Frown  to  the  West ! 


SEPTEMBER  13.  1911.]  PUNCH.    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI 

A    LEAF    FROM    OUR    HEALTH-CRANK'S    NOTE-BOOK. 


EARLY    MORNING:     A  BARE-FOOT  WALK         THEN  HALF  AN  noua  WITH  TUB  PATENT         BREAKFAST:    A    HARD-BOUXD   COCOAXUT 

THROUGH    THE    DEWY    MEADOWS.       (THISTLES         EXERCISER. 
AND   FARMERS   RATHER  .TRYING.) 


l.Mll'KS. 


LEG-DRILL  DOWN  TO  THE  STATION.   (NEWS-         A    "Koiiro"   CIGARETTE  IN  THE  TRAIN. 

PAPER    BOY     RUDE  ;    SHALL     KOT     EEMEMBEE         (OTHER    TRAVELLERS    SEEMED    UNWELL  AKI» 

HIM  AT  CHRISTMAS.)  PEEVISH  ;  SHOULD  THY  MY  METHODS.) 


KXEHCISES    AT  THK    OFFICE.      (.WVST  TKI.L 
BOY     NOT    TO    8HOW    PEOPLE    IN     "HEX     I  ' 
BUSY.) 


LUNCH  OFF  THAMES  OZONE  ON  THE  BRII.CE  ;         TURNED   "  STRAPHANGINO  "  TO  GOOD  AC- 
DRAW     IT     IN     TKROUOH    THE    NOSE    WITH        COUNT. 
CORRECT   EXERCISES.      (POLICE   OFFICIOUS.) 


FELT  FAINT  COMINO  HOMC.  RAILWAY 
PLE  INSISTED  ON  TAKIKO  ME  UP  TO  TB1 
HOUSE  IN  THK  STATIOM  RTRKTCHKK.  (MEI)U- 
I.ING  FOOLS  !  BUT  I  DO  THINK  TM  COCOAKDT 

AT   BREAKFAST  WAS  A  TRIF1.K 


186 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON  J^HARIVARL [SEPTEMBER  13,  1911. 


A    GLUT    IN    THE    MARKET. 
PART  II. 

[,s>v,i.v«/«.— Phyllis,  i  Jill-agon  of  heauty,  i» 
demanded  in  marriage  by  no  fewer  than  forty- 
four  suitors,  including  William  Smith.  She 
liasdrrUivd  that,  with  a  slight  preference  for  the 
liiltrrgfiitli'iiuui,  she  cannot  make  up  her  mind. 
••  If,"  she  as  good  as  said,  "  one  of  you  was  of 
tlie  aristocracy.  I,  'wing  a  snob,  should  have  no 
ililli.-ulty  in  tdectblg  that  one."  At  the  time 
when  this  announcement  was  inaile  the  suitors 
wen:  all  indubitably  Common.  At  the  point 
where  we  resume  the  narrative,  however,  forty- 
three  of  hi-r  suitors  liave  just  called  upon  her 
to  inform  her  that  they  are  now  one  and  all 
elevated  to  the  Peerage.] 

Phyllis.     But  what  an  extraordinary 
thing! 

Chorus  of  Suitors. 
We  will  explain ;  but  may  we  ... 
Phij.     Smoke  ? 
Cho.     No.    Sing. 

We  were  met  by  a  man  of  some  thirty- 
odd  years 

(A  haunter  of  taverns  or  bar  gent) 
Who  whispered,"Abandon  your  humble 

careers, 

Accountants,  Solicitors,  Engineers, 
I've  jobs  for  you  all."     He  was,  it 

appears, 
A  Peerage  Eecraiting  Sergeant. 

We  yawned  and  frowned  and  tried  to 
look  bored, 

And  murmured,  "How  interestin' !  " 
But  the  mere  idea  of  becoming  a  Lord 

Took  rather  a  lot  of  digestin'. 

He  talked  a  lot  (as  we  thought  by  rote) 

Of  the  present  political  crisis. 
Our  job  was  simple ;  we  'd  only  to  note 
To  do  as  we  're  told,  when  it  comes  to 

the  vote, 
And  do  it  en  bloc.     We  asked  him  to 

quote 
Inclusive  and  catalogue  prices. 

We  humm'd  and  ha'd  and  resorted  to 

bluff, 

And  pretended  to  be  dejected  ; 
But  the  ultimate  terms  were  handsome 

enough, 
And  more  than  we  ever  expected. 

(Recitative.} 

Now  we've  risen  to  the  Peerage, 
We  demand  yourself  in  marriage. 
This,  of  course,  is  not  the  time 
For  to  cavil  at  the  rhyme. 

Phy.  It  is  obvious,  is  it  not? 

I  shall  have  to  wed  the  lot. 

[Enter  a  band  of  young  ladies,  clad 
appropriately  in  blue  pyjamas. 
They  execute  an  irrelevant  dance 
aiul  withdraw.} 

(Enter  William  Smith.) 
Sm.    Mornin',  Phyllis.     How  d'ye  do? 
Phy.  Have  they  made  a  Peer  of  you  ? 
Sm.  Heavens,  no ! 

Phy.          Off  you  go ! 
Cho.  And  a  pleasant  riddance,  too ! 


Smith. 

Just  before  I  get  along, 
May  I  sing  a  little  song  ? 
It  will  only  take  a  minute, 
There  is  really  nothing  in  it. 

The  House  of  Lords,  they  say, 

Is  full  to  overflowing, 
And  Marquises  to-day 

Are  hardly  worth  the  knowing. 

No  decent  woman  has 
The  least  desire  to  marry 

Such  vulgar  people  as 

Lords  Tom  and  Dick  and  Harry. 

I  should  not  be  surprised 
To  be  informed  that  Bill  is, 

So  far  from  the  despised, 
The  only  man  for  Phyllis. 

Already,  unbeknown, 

The  lady  is  contriving 
To  marry  me,  the  on- 

-ly  Commoner  surviving. 

I  need  say  nothing  more. 

But  if  she  thinks  of  mating, 
She  'd  better  hurry,  for 

There  's  lots  of  others  waiting. 

Phyllis  (to  William  Smith). 
Time  was  when  I  could  ill  afford 
To  underestimate  a  Lord  ; 
But  now  the  Baron,  Earl  and  Viscount 
Are,  so  they  tell  me,  at  a  discount. 
St.  George's  Church  is  in  Hanover 

Square 
And,  if  you  like,  you  can  marry  me 

there.  [Business. 

Chorus  of  Rejected  Suitors. 

My  word,  did  you  see  how  he  kissed  her  ! 
We  'd  smack  her,  if  she  were  our  sister. 

She  is  such  a  snob, 

We  'd  have  bet  you  a  bob 
She  couldn't  say  "  No  "  to  a  Mister. 

[Enter  once  more  the  band  of  young 
ladies,  clad  in  bathing  costumes. 
By  a  happy  coincidence  their 
numbers  prove  to  be  exactly  forty- 
three,  so  they  are  able  to  pair 
off  with  the  rejected  suitors. 

FINAL  CHORUS. 

The  Gentlemen  to  the  Ladies  of  the 
Chorus. 

In  making  Peers,  they  had  their  eye 

On  you,  we  understand. 
Their  object  being  that  our  supply 

Should  equal  your  demand. 

The  Ladies  of  the  Chorus,  in  reply. 
The  Peerage  !     The  Peerage  ! 
We  're  loyal  to  the  Peerage. 
Though  now,  alas ! 
It 's  second  class, 
Or,  speaking  frankly,  steerage. 

(General  air  of  satisfaction.] 
CUKTAIN. 


THE    DISAPPOINTMENT. 

(.4  Sea-side  Story.)  ;, 

THERE  could  certainly  be  no  two  , 
opinions  about  his  extreme  good-looks. 
Even  the  nicest  girl  (and  the  first  point 
I  wish  to  emphasise  is  that  She  was  a 
thoroughly  nice  girl)  had  to  think  that. 
It  was  practically  impossible  to  avoid 
some  kind  of  thought  on  the  subject, 
seeing  that  they  met  twice,  three  times, 
and  sometimes  more  often  still,  every 
day.  She  was  staying  with  her  aunt 
at  the  far — or  quiet — end  of  the  Marine 
Parade;  He,  it  appears,  must  have  been 
staying  somewhere  in  the  town.  The 
important  result  was  that  they  both 
approached  the  pier,  the  band-stand, 
and  the  bathing-machines  by  the  same 
route.  Hence,  meetings.  At  the  end  of 
three  days  She  had  got  to  know  his 
light  flannel  suit  quite  well ;  at  the  end 
of  a  week  She  could  detect  and  recog- 
nise his  hat-ribbon  on  the  far  side  of 
a  crowd. 

Midway  through  the  second  week — 
they  spoke.  Put  like  that,  it  all  sounds 
rather  fast  and  vulgar,  and  not  at  all 
the  kind  of  thing  that  ought  to  happen 
to  a  thoroughly  nice  girl,  who  is  also 
what  is  called  a  lady.  But  there 
were  several  extenuating  circumstances; 
notable  amongst  them  the  fact  that 
He  was  so  fortunate  as  to  save  her 
aunt's  life.  The  affair  was  simple, 
not  dramatically  heroic  perhaps,  but 
efficacious.  A  large  wave,  taller  and 
much  stronger  than  her  aunt,  having 
treacherously  attacked  that  lady  from 
behind,  when  no  one  was  minding  her, 
and  her  own  attention  was  temporarily 
attracted  towards  the  shore,  the  result 
was  that  her  aunt  disappeared  from 
mortal  ken  for  the  space  of  perhaps 
three  minutes  and  a  half.  Then 
he,  seeing  what  had  happened,  very 
promptly  stooped  down,  and  not  only 
restored  her  aunt  to  an  upright  posture, 
but  supported  her  thus  till  She  arrived 
to  relieve  him.  This  was  their  intro- 
duction. 

Of  course,  after  this  they  could  do 
no  less  than  consider  him  in  some 
sort  a  friend.  They  would  bow  and 
smile  in  passing.  Once'  or  twice  a 
coincidence  of  seats  at  the  pier  or 
the  band-stand  led  to  quite  lengthy 
conversations,  though  of  a  strictly 
general  character.  Her  aunt  was 
always  present.  In  the  water,  how- 
ever, where  (since  the  incident  of  the 
wave)  She  appeared  alone,  a  distant 
nod  was  still  her  only  greeting.  As  I 
said,  She  was  a  thoroughly  nice  girl. 
Nevertheless  it  is  undeniable  that,  as 
the  month  wore  on,  She  enjoyed  her 
visit  in  an  increasing  ratio  calculated 
according  to  the  number  of  their 
accidental  encounters. 


SEPTEMBER  13.  1911.]        JTJNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


About  this  time  She  began,  natural! 
enough,  to  wonder  a  good  deal  who  H 
jvas.     Her  aunt  spent  most  of  every 
year  at  Cheltenham,  and  it  takes  a  lo" 
to  baffle  the  curiosity  of  an  inhabitan 
of  Cheltenham,  yet  it  was  noteworth 
that    one    or    two    questions    adroitly 
worked    by   the    elder    lady   into   tht 
thread  of  conversation    had   producer 
practically  no  result.     Whether  from 
intention  or  not  (and  his  manner  was 
unconsciousness  itself)  He  remained 
mystery. 

Their  final  conversation  deserves  to 
be  recorded.  Her  aunt  was  within 
doors,  packing,  for  they  were  returning 
to  town  on  the  following  morning.  Ii 
was  nine  o'clock,  and  moonlight.  She 
Jiad  run  out  for  a  moment,  to  post 
letter,  She  said,  and  the  pillar-box  that 
She  chose  to  patronize  (though  there 
were  others  nearer)  was  just  beyonc 
(the  band-stand.  He  was  there.  She 
^passed,  with  her  usual  Al  quality 
!smile,  perhaps  a  shade  brighter  than 
usual,  posted  her  letter,  passed  again 
and  then,  acting  on  an  uncontrollable 
impulse,  turned  and  held  out  her  hand 
"  This  is  good-bye,"  She  said.  "  We 
are  off'  to-morrow.  My  aunt  told  me 
if  I  met  you  to  be  sure  and  make  her 
farewells."  This  was  a  gratuitous  lie; 
her  aunt  had  said  nothing  of  the  kind, 
would,  indeed,  have  been  very  properly 
horrified  had  she  known  of  the  con- 
versation. "  We  shall  neither  of  us 
ever  forget  what  you  did,"  She  said. 

"Oh!  it  wasn't  anything,"  He  said. 
Which  was  quite  true ;  it  wasn't — 
— except  in  its  consequences. 

There  was  a  little  pause.  "  It 's  been 
awfully  jolly,"  She  continued,  looking 
away  over  the  sea,  and  the  place  where 
the  moonlight  turned  the  tops  of  the 
bathing  machines  to  silver,  "  hasn't 
it  ?  I  'm  awfully  sorry  it 's  all  over !  " 
By  "  it "  She  meant  "  you." 

"  So  am  I,"  He  said ;  and  He  meant 
"  you  "  too,  and  She  knew  it. 

There  was  another  pause.  "Well, 
good-bye,"  She  said,  giving  him  her 
hand  for  the  second  time.  "  Perhaps 
we  shall  meet  again  in  town.  We 
live  in  Kensington,  and  one 's  always 
running  up  against  people,  isn't  one?  " 
"  Yes,"  He  said,  "  I  hope  so.  Good- 
bye." 

So  they  parted.  All  the  way  back 
to  the  lodgings  she  was  cursing  her- 
self for  a  conventional  fool ;  but  the 
fact  remains  that  amongst  the  things 
a_ thoroughly  nice  girl  cannot  do  is  to 
give  her  card  to  a  strange  young  man 
and  ask  him  to  call.  If  only  her  aunt 
had  been  there  to  do  it  for  her 
.  .  ,  Afterwards  She  began  to  wonder 
whether  He  had  looked  a  little  startled 
when  She  mentioned  Kensington. 
And  that  was  the  end  ?  They  were 


FAME. 

He.    "DID   YOU   SEE   MY   PORTRAIT  IN"  THE   PAPER  YESTERDAY.'" 

She.  "Xo!    WHAT  WERE  YOU  CURED  OF!" 


never  to  meet  again  ?  Not  so ;  for  now 
approach  the  climax,  and  there  can 
no  climax  without  the  presence  of 
>oth  hero  and  heroine.  It  happened 
ike  this.  Her  aunt,  who  was  stay- 
ng  on  with  them  in  Kensington, 
Because  Cheltenham  is  still  too  warm 
September,  wanted  to  buy  some 
)lack  suede  gloves,  six  and  a  quarter, 
vith  four  buttons.  It  is  notorious  that 
he  place  where  you  get  your  suede 
;loves  freshest  in  Kensington  is  Plum- 
eigh's,  at  the  corner  of  the  Brompton 
load.  Plumleigh's  is  a  large  and 
excellent  shop,  at  which  her  people, 
or  reasons  that  need  not  concern  us, 
lad  never  dealt.  The  result  was  that 
he  assistants  there  were  personally 
unknown  to  her;  also  the  geography 
f  the  place,  so  that,  when  they  entered 
i,  they  stood  for  an  instant,  her  aunt 


and  She,  hesitating  as  to  the  direction 
j  of  the  Glove  department.  And  then. 
I ...  Must  I  go  on  ?  Behind  them,  as 
they  stood  thus,  a  voice  was  heard,  a 
voice  which  both  knew  and  recognised 
instantly.  She  turned  with  parted  lips, 
and  face  a  little  pale  with  sudden 
emotion,  and  saw  .  .  .  No.  He  was 
not  behind  the  counter,  rubbing  his 
hands,  and  saying,  "  What  can  I  do 
for  you  this  morning,  ladies?  "  He  had 
just  come  into  the  shop  with  his 
mother,  like  any  ordinary  customer, 
and  her  aunt  asked  him  to  call,  and 
He  did,  and  it  turned  out  that  his 
mother  was  an  Honourable.  So  They 
were  wed,  and  merrily  rari!»  the  bells. 
But  the  Disappointment  ?  you  ask  me. 
Ah !  the  disappointment,  gentle  reader, 
is  yours.  You  know  very  well  what 
you  were  expecting.  Sold  again. 


IXCEXIOUS    DEVICE    FOE     METHODICALLY 
TRAVELLED   NAVAL   OFFICER. 


ARRANGING    PHOTOGRAT>HS.        ADOPTED   (AND   VATEXTED)   BY   IJirRESSIONABT.E    AXIi     MVC'H- 


ST.  ANDEEWS,   1911. 

[St.  Andrews  is  now  full  of  delegates  from 
all  over  the  world,  who  are  met  together  to 
celel  irate,  from  the  12th  to  the  15th  inst.,  the 
Quingenary.. (i.e.,  five-hundredth  anniversary)  of 
the  oldest  university  in  Scotland.] 

ST.  ANDREWS  by  the  Northern  sea 
Is  just  as  full  as  it  can  be 
Of  famous  men  from  every  shrine 
Where  Learning's   sacred   lamp   doth 

shine. 

From  Cam  they  came,  and  Isis  too, 
From  Paris,  Brussels  and  Peru, 
From  Yale  and  Harvard  and  Chefoo, 
And  dusky  dons  from  Timbuctoo  ; 
From   manse  and  common-room  and 

deanery, 

From  tropic  clime  and  arctic  scenery, 
To  celebrate  a  great  "  Quingenary." 

Gay  were  their  robes — enough  to  pale 
The  rainbow  when  it  spans  the  vale : 
The  hues  were  of  a  thousand  kinds, 
And  yet  the  treasures  of  their  minds 
Were  brighter  still  and  more  assorted 


Than   were   the  gorgeous  gowns  they 

sported. 

Was  nothing  in  this  world  below 
These  learned  doctors  did  not  know  : 
This  one,  though  doubtless  at  a  loss 
To  find  his  way  to  Charing  Cross, 
Is  quite  prepared  to  guide  and  boss  us 
Around  the  ruined  drains  at  Cnossus  ; 
One  proves,  as  well  as  can  bo  done, 
The  Iliad  is  the  work  of  one ; 
The  next  has  evidence  in  plenty 
To  show  it  is  the  work  of  twenty. 
Yon  learned  don,  when  he  's  at  work,  '11 
Square  with   the   utmost   ease   the 

-   circle, 
While  that  one  has  the   subtlest 

notion 

Eegarding  everlasting  motion ; 
And  it  is  even  rumoured  round 
That  in  a  corner  may  be  found 
One  soul  quite  conscious  of  the  thought 
That  what  he  knows  is  really  nought. 

Though  all  things,  as  I  said  before, 
These  learned  doctors  know — and  more, 


On  one  small  point  they  seem  to  ine 
The  least  inclined  to  be  at  sea — 
They  can't  with  confidence  a  .ree 
What  a  "  Quingenary  "  may  be. 


Tree  Struck  by  Thucder. 

"Sir  Herbert  Tree,  when  in  the  Tiiidst  of  a 
long  soliloquy  which  has  to  be  delivered  to  a 
running  accompaniment  of  thunder,  was  anmzrd 
to  hear  a  loud  peal  of  thunder  come  in  at  (he 
wrong  place. 

'What  is  the  meaning  of  this?'  he  asked, 
turning  to  the  stage  hands,  and  was  considerably 
surprised  when  told  that  it  was  not  stage 
thunder,  but  a  genuine  thunderclap  outside  the 
theatre." — Daily  Mirror. 

"We  are  requested  to  announce  that  the 
order  for  the  casket  to  be  presented  to  His  , 
Majesty  by  the  Municipality  of  C.  P.  and  IVrar 
has  been  entrusted  to  Messrs.  Labh  Chand  Moti 
Chand  Mookims  and  Court  Jewellers,  of  the 
metropolis.  We  are  sure  they  will  execrate  this 
work  in  their  usual  excellent  manner  and  to  the 
satisfaction  of  all  concerned." — Bengalee, 

Mr.  LABH  CHAND  :  Blank ! 

Mr.  MOTI  CHAND  :  Blankety  blank  ! 

Mr.  MOOKIMS  :  Blankety  blankety  blank ! 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  OHARIVARI.-S*...,,.,..,,  ,o 


ADMIRALS   OF   THE   "PACIFIC." 

GERMAN  EMPEROR.  "  A    STRONG    FLEET    IS    THE    BEST    GUARANTEE    OF    PEACE !  " 
M.    FALLIEBES.    "QUITE    SO!       TO     MAKE    A    CERTAINTY    OF    IT,    HERE    IS    OUR    CON- 
TRIBUTION." 


SK.TKMHKH 


,    l-n  1  J__RJNCH^OB_THE^  LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


HOLIDAY    RESEMBLANCES. 

semWancesto0w!.ei|0J,  illaC<Tfe  v'Rio"  '"lve  a  «-»nderlul  propensity  for  detecting,  in  humble  individuals  in  unlikely  places,  amazing  re- 
there  or  not?  Well'k"own  8tateslne»,  and  our  artist  is  often  called  in  to  give  authoritative  decision  as  to  -vhether  thej  celebrities  are  really 

reluctantly  compelled  to  decide,  in  the  cases  depicted  above,  (1)  that  in  spite  of  a  certain  delusive  uri.nA-fitcie  resemblance 
•Til— (this  has  been  a  great  disappointment  to  local  Unionists) ;  (2)  that  no  one  acquainted  with  the  House  of  Lords— 
—would  dream  of  supposing  this  to  be  Lord  LANSDOWXE  ;  (3)  that,  in  this  case,  a  mere  superficial  resemblance  to 
iot  bear  a  moment  s  inspection  in  detail ;  (4)  despite  a  noticeable  air  of  almost  aggressive  independence,  this  in  not  Lord 
t   "*i  '«?"  '  lmalv>  that  no  real  lovei'  of  'ne  down-trodden  masses  would  for  a  moment  mistake  this  somewhat  elalwrate  little 
CHAXCEI.IOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER— (this  decision  was  a  grievous  blow  to  the  person  concerned  as  he  had  always  been  led 
i  suppose,  by  friends  in  Peckham  Rye,  that  the  likeness  was  remarkable^ 


tin's      nnMu      A 

„  «  V>-    w    T" 
Lord 1  RosEBFRYe'"n      tb 


England's   Need. 


An  anonymous  donor,  signing  himself  '  Englishman  from  beyond  the 
seas     lias  offered  Mr.  Haldane  £10.000  sterling  as  a  gift  to  the  nation 
r  Hi,,  purchase  of  a  rifle  range  near  one  of  the  thickly  populated 
districts  in  England. 

The  donor  emphasises  the  growing  impulse  of  the  Empire  towards 
mted  action  for  defence,  and  states  that  Woolley  or  Mead  would 


lie  accepted,  the  latt«-r  subject  to  the  approval  of  the  Hamiwhire 
Authorities." — Hong  Kouy  JMtilij  Prr>a. 

If  WOOLLEY  and  MEAD  are  wanted  for  running-targets  we 
must  protest  that  we  cannot  spare  them.  Much  better 
have  a  couple  of  minor  professionals  from  Rutland,  who 
would  never  be  missed. 


192 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  13,  1911. 


Irate  Gentleman  (to  his  gardener}.    "\\'HAT  DO  YOU  MEAN,  SIR,  BY  TELLING  PEOPLE  IN- 
TEE  VILLAGE  THAT  I 'M   A  STINGY   MASTER?" 

Gardener.   "No  FEAR  o'  ME  A-DOIX'  THE  LIKES  o'  THAT,  GUV'NOE.     I  ALLUS  KEEPS  MY 

THOUGHTS  TJ   MYSELF." 


THE    PONY-CARTS. 


It 


WE  were  talking  about  London, 
is  a  good  subject. 

"  What  ie  the  pre'.tiest  sight  in 
London  ?  "  some  one  had  asked  ;  and 
we  were  discussing  it.  each  naming  his 
choice. 

"  The  prettiest  sight  in  London  ?  "  I 
said.  "Why,  a  string  of  hay  barges  being 
towed  up  the  river  by  a  tug  at  six 
o'clock  on  a  iine  afternoon.  Seen  from 
the  Embankment  somewhere  about 
Cleopatra's  Needle,  or  from  West- 
minster Bridge  looking  east." 

They  agreed  that  that  was  a  good 
sight,  and  we  passed  on  to  the  next. 
This  was  th3  lady  in  the  grey  hat. 
"  The  most  beautiful  sight  in  London 
just  now,"  she  said,  "is  the  sky  above 
the  Court  of  Honour  at  the  White  City 
just  after  the  lamps  are  lit.  It  is  the 
deepest,  richest,  intensest  blue  you  ever 
dreamed  of.  There  are  many  lovely 
intense  bluss — the  blue  of  the  peacock, 
the  blue  of  the  kingfisher,  the  blue  of  a 
Persian  tile,  the  blue  of  a  Ehodian 
plate — but  this  is  the  most  wonderful 
of  all." 

We  agreed  again;  but  an  objection 
was  lodged  by  the  author  of  the  debate. 
"  Not  a  beautiful  sight,"  he  said,  "  but 
a  pretty  sight  is  what  we  want.  .You  fly 
too  high.  London  is  so  full  of  beauty 
that  we  must  discuss  that  later."  Just 
now  we  are  after  pretty  things  only. 
Next,  please." 

The  journalist  came  next.  "  To  me," 
he  said,  "  there  is  nothing  prettier  than 


the  pigeons  at  the  Museum  soaring 
round  and  embarrassing  a  little  girl  with 
a  bag  of  corn — especially  if  you  see 
them  as  you  go  in,  with  the  darkness  of 
the  portico  for  a  background.  That  is 
pretty,  if  you  like.  And  then  someone 
will  startle  them,  and  they  will  fly  up 
to  the  roof,  blue  grey  and  white  grey 
against  blackness,  and  beauty  is 
achieved.  The  distinction  is  illustrated 
there  in  perfection,  I  think." 

"If  it  comes  to  biids,"  said  his 
neighbour,  "surely  the  gulls  at  Black- 
friars  Bridge  are  even  more  beautiful. 
Their  movements  are  freer,  their 
wings  are  broader;  they  suggest  the 
open  sea.  And  yet  here  they  are  in 
London  in  their  hundreds  waiting  to 
be  fed,  just  as  if  they  were  sparrows  on 
a  frozen  lawn  in  winter." 

"  Oh,  but  what  about  the  little  red 
cottage  among  the  rushes  at  the  Horse 
Guards'  end  of  St.  James's  Park  ?  "  said 
the  lady  in  the  black  hat.  "  It  is  like  a 
toy,  and  the  ducks  and  moorhens  and 
coots  and  terns  swim  about  in  the 
water  beneath  it,  while  the  guinea-fowls 
and  pelicans  and  storks  promenade  on 
the  banks.  That 's  most  awfully  pretty 
always." 

The  lady  in  the  purple  hat,  who 
sat  next  to  her,  murmured  approval 
"Yes,"  she  said,  "I  have  often  watchec 
them.  ,  But  my  vote  for  the  prettiesl 
sight  woiild,"- 1.  think,  go  for  the  little 
mothers  in  the  parks  —  Kensington 
Gardens,  say — all  so  busy  with  their 
families  —  so  grubby  and  so  slangy 
and  yet  so  responsible  and  masterful 


!  see  them  every  fine  day,  and  they 
always  delight  me.  It  is  funny  that 
itllo  girls  should  so  naturally  suggest 
mothers,  while  little  boys  never  suggest 
athers.  Yet  so  it  is." 

There  was  some  talk  as  to  whether 
Jie  lady  in  the  purple  hat  had  described 
n'ettiness  so  much  as  an  interesting 
spectacle ;  but,  after  all,  it  depends  (as 
she  said)  very  much  on  how  you  use 
words. 

"  Well,"  said  her  neighbour,  "  I 
jelieve  I  can  beat  that.  You  vote  for 
,he  little  girls ;  my  vote  shall  go  to  the 
ittle  boys.  Do  you  know  that  this 
summer,  on  a  hot  week-day  afternoon, 
[  went  all  the  way  to  Victoria  Park  in 
;he  East  End  just  to  see  the  bathers 
ihere.  It 's  a  shallow  lake,  a  hundred 
yards  long,  and  I  swear  to  you  that 
;here  were  a  thousand  little  East  End 
boys  in  it  at  once — all  naked  and 
glowing  in  the  sun,  and  all  so  jolly. 
I  never  saw  so  many  naked  boys  before. 
It  was  '  the  colour  of  life '  in  intensest 
movement.  I  thought  of  BLAKK'S  line 
thousands  of  little  boys  and  girls 
waving  their  innocent  hands ' ;  but 
these  were  flashing  their  innocent 
limbs.  It  is  not  only  my  prettiest 
London  sight  but  the  most  cheerful." 

This  contribution  completing  the 
list,  we  waited  for  the  author  of  the 
discussion  to  name  his  choice  and 
end  it.  "  Well,"  we  asked,  "  and  what 
is  the  prettiest  sight  in  London  ?  " 

"  The  pony-carbs,"  he  answered. 
"The  little  pony-carts  that  crop  up 
mysteriously  among  the  wagons  and 
taxis  and  motor-'buses  in  Piccadilly  and 
the  Strand,  even  in  Cheapside,  and  trot 
along  so  bravely  and  undismayed,  and 
take  their  place  so  naturally  in  these 
untoward  surroundings,  and  disappear 
as  suddenly  as  they  came.  I  always 
stand  to  watch  them — the  plucky  little 
things,  with  their  absurd  little  four 
brisk  legs,  and  their  four  merry  little 
hoofs,  and  their  two  ridiculous  wheels. 
They  are  to  me  the  prettiest  sight  in 
London." 

Personally  I  think  the  Victoria  Park 
bathers  won  it. 


A  TEA  FIGHT. 
WE  came  upon  Dorothy,  my  brother 
John  and  I,  in  a  large  tent  hung  round 
with  pink  and  white  calico,  selling  tea 
to  a  number  of  men,  and  smiling  beau- 
tifully from  under  a  most  enormous  hat 
at  another  girl,  not  quite  so  pretty  as 
herself,  who  was  jointly  in. .charge. 
We  sat  down  near  the  door  and  waited, 
and  after  a  little' she  caught  sight  of 
us  and  brought  us  some  tea.  And 
while  we  were  drinking  it  she  stood 
for  a  moment  or  two  leaning  against 
the  little  table  next  to  ours  in  the  way 


JJ™,,KB  13,  l!.n.]      _PUNCir,    Oli    THE    LONDON    CIlAIMVARl" 


193 


MIL  PUNCH  is  DEMI:HTED  TO  HEAR  OF  THE  WOXDERFIT.  KESVI.TS  OF  THE  SALT  WATER  TKEATMEXT  FOR  BABIES.     BUT  UK  worm 

*  **"    1>ARE"NTS    SUOULD    KOT    CAUKY    1T    T0°    FAB.    As    I!i    <•••»•«    OK    HIS    BABYSH11-    BEIXU    DI.SI'LEA.SEU    THERE  MIGHT  Ks'-l'K  1HK 


girls  have,  without  knocking  anything 
over,  and  said  :  '•  I  want  you  to  do  me 
a  favour,  will  you  ?  And  we  said  we 
would,  and  waited  to  hear  what  it  was 
before  deciding  which  of.  us  should  do 
it ;  because  we  had  both  of  us  done 
favours  for  Dorothy  before. 

She  looked  round  a  moment  and 
went  on  :  "I  want  you  to  go  out,  and 
send  anyone  you  can  find  to  have  tea. 
You  know  a  lot  of  people  here,  I  expect, 
and  each  one  helps.  You  remember 
what  Mr.  Harberry  said  last  Sunday." 
Mr.  Harberry  is  the  young,  bachelor 
Eector,  but  \to  did  not  remember  what 
he  said  last  Sunday.  Then  she  added, 
as  she  turned  away  :  "  Be  sure  you 
send  them  to  me,  won't  you?  I've  sold 
fourteen  so  far,  and  she's  sold  twelve." 

So  we  went  out  into  the  bazaar, 
through  the  stalls  where  they  sold 
needlework,  to  where  the  men  were 
gathered  together  waiting  till  it  was 
time  to  go,  and  to'd  them  that  they 
gave  you  a  capital  tea  for  a  shilling  in 
a  tent  we  pointed  out,  and  that  there 
was  a  very  decent-looking  girl  there  in 
a  big  hat  with  red  flowers  in  it. 

At  about  six  o'clock  we  came  back  to 
see  how  tilings  were  going  on.  There 
were  still  one  or  two  people  in  the  big 
tent,  and  the  other  girl  and  Dorothy 


were  standing  together  in  the  middle 
talking  and  smiling  at  each  other. 
Dorothy  came  down  to  us  after  a  time, 
to  see  what  wo  wanted,  and  we  asked 
her  what  the  score  was ;  and  she 
smiled  rather  queerly,  and  said,  "  She  'a 
one  ahead.  Did  you  send  anyone  as 
I  asked  you,  or  have  you  been  asleep  ?  " 
We  told  her  what  we  had  done,  and 


must  go  away  now,  as  they  were  just 
closing. 

But  quite  suddenly  I  had  an  idea.  I 
pushed  John  into  a  chair  and  sat  down 
beside  him.  "  No,"  I  said  very  master- 
fully, "wo  want  tea — two  teas,  please." 

Dorothy    stared    at    me    with    her 


Eed  flowers  in  it !  Why,  hers  has 
got  a  lot  of  great  flaring  poppies—- 
And she  stopped  short  and  looked  at 
us  exactly  as  a  jockey  might  look  at 
two  tailors.  "  Oh,  but  if  that  isn't 
just  too  exactly  like  a  man  !  "  she  said. 

We  both  felt  rather  foolish,  because, 
of  course,  we  had  not  noticed  what 
the  other  girl  was  wearing  in  her  hat. 
Only  John,  who  is  very  careless  some- 
times in  what  he  says,  blurted  out : 
"  But  we  said  there  was  an  awfully 

pretty  girl "    But  I  kicked  him 

on  the  ankle  so  hard  that  he  stopped 
with  a  little  gasp.  Dorothy  flushed, 
and  then,  for  she  is  very  good-natured 


lips    apart.     "  You    can't,"  she    said. 
"You've    had   one.      It   wouldn't   be 

how  we  had  described  her  hat  so  that  j  fair.  It  -would  be  cheating — at  least, 
there  should  be  no  mistake,  and  j  wouldn't  it  ?  "  Then  she  looked  from 
Dorothy  at  once  threw  out  her  hands  one  of  us  to  the  other,  and  smiled  like 
in  a  way  she  has  to  signify  that  one  a  big,  beautiful  flower.  "  You  dears  I  " 
is  an  utter  imbecile,  and  exclaimed  :  she  said.  "  I  should  like  to  kiss  you." 

But  she  did  not  mean  that  really,  of 
course. 

However,  she  promised  us  that  we 
should  drive  her  home ;  and  then,  while 
we  were  drinking  our  tea,  who  should 
come  in  but  the  Bector  himself.  Both 
Dorothy  and  the  other  girl  went  to  talk 
to  him,  and  we  heard  him  ask  how  they 
had  been  getting  on,  and  Dorothy 
answered  for  them  both  that  she  had 
sold  thirty-seven  teas,  and  the  other 
girl  thirty-six.  And  he  said  it  was  a 
very  close  finish. 

But  Dorothy  never  appeared  for  us 
to  take  her  home,  and  on  the  way  we 
passed  her  walking  with  the  Bector,  and 

really,  she  began  to  laugh~  and  said  it  j  so  much  interested  in  what  he  was 
didn't  matter  at  all  really,  only  we  I  saying  that  she  did  not  see  us  at  all. 


194 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  13,  1911. 


AT 


THE    PLAY. 

'MACBETH." 


that     sudden     terrible 
heralds  Nature's    most 


THE  barren  (or,  if  you  will,  blasted) 
ht-ath  was  in  darkness,  save  for  a  fitful 
flash  of  lightning  which,  to  those  who 
knew,  revealed  the  fact  that  the  scene 
was  Scotland.  The  thunder  growled 
itself  into  the  distance,  and  there  came 
pause  which 
awful  effects. 

High  on  a  lonely  rock  in  the  west 
appeared  the  grim  figures  of  Uaixjiw 
and  the  Th  ins  of  Glamis,  huge  in  the 
darkness.  Then  the  fury  of  the  ele- 
ments burst  forth  again,  and,  as  Heaven 
willed,  a  terrible  flash  of  lightning 
missed  Banquo  and  rested  long  upon 
the  face  of  Macbeth,  long  enough  indeed 
for  everyone  to  make  sure  that  it  was 
really  Sir  HEBBEKT.  The  thunder  of 
our  applause  followed;  for  myself,  I 
think  1  shouted,  "  Speech,  speech  !  " 
And  as  3oon  as  silence  was  re- 
stored, Sir  HERBERT  responded. 
He  looked  round  the  lonely 
heath  and  said  impressively, 
"  So  foul  and  fair  a  day  I  have 
not  seen."  It  was  certainly  a 
horrid  day,  but  it  was  a  magnifi- 
cent entry. 

In  a  note  circulated  to  the 
audience  the  producer  says  that 
there  has  been  much  discussion 
whether  Macbeth  was  a  brave 
soldier  or  a  black-hearted  villain. 
Sir  HERBERT,  I  fancy,  is  on 
the  side  of  the  black-hearted 
and  neurotic  villain.  The  more 
I  saw  of  Macbeth  the  less  I 
regarded  him  as  a  brave,  if 
ruthLss,  soldier.  The  idea  of 


touch  to  their  plottings  that  one  could 
not  help  but  believe— even  though 
Macbeth  would  talk  about  "  me  hand  "^ 
and  Lad i/  Macbeth  about  "  me  father." 
Similarly  the  "Eoom  in  Macbeth' 's 
castle  "  (CRAVEN)  seemed  so  entirely  to 
suit  Lady  Macbeth  that  a  wave  of 
naturalness  went  over  the  stage  for  a 
moment.  Indeed  Miss  Vanbrugh,  in- 


plastic  and  unresisting  little  brain  all 
those  pet  theories  of  mine  that  my  con- 
temporaries would  have  none  of.  But 
he,  unmistakably  bored  with  me  as  a 
tutor,  asked  only  that  I  should  uncom- 
plainingly act  the  part  of  Mountain 
Kange  and  allow  him  to  satisfy  his 
desire  to  ascend  to  the  summit. 

Since  he  is  a  child  of  single  purpose, 


distinct  as  her  delivery  was  in  this  her:  not  lightly  to  be  turned  aside  from  a 


opening  scene,  never  seemed  to  me  to  bo 
quite  so  good  again — with  the  possible 
exception  of  the  sleep-walking  scene, 
where  she  was  excellent,  and  where 
again  the  simple  staging  helped  her. 

It  is  a  tribute  to  the  greatness  of 
the  play — and,  perhaps,  also  of  the 
players — that  none  of  the  representa- 
tions of  the  many  other  talented  actors 
and  actresses  impresses  itself  upon  the 
memory.  The  poetry  absorbs  them; 
the  drama  moves  on,  however  inter- 
preted. At  His  Majesty's  it  moves 


Lai/;/  Maelielh  (Miss  VIOLET  VANBHITGII).   "Why  do  you  make 
such  faces  ? " 

Mucbetli  (Sir  HEKBEKT  TKEE).   "Think  of  this  Init  as  a  thing 
of  custom  ;  'tis  no  other." 

(Ad  HI.  Sctne  4.) 


his  unseaming  anybody  from  the  nave 
to  the  chaps,  as  mentioned  in  the 
second  scene,  seemed  more  absurd 
with  each  following  scene;  so  that,  in 
the  end,  those  two  fine  lines,  which 
seem  so  nearly  to  excuse  all  the 
villainies  of  brave  men — 

'  •  King  the  alarum  bell — Blow  wind  !   Come 

wrack ! 
At  least  we  '11  die  with  harness  on  our  back  " 

— could  only  be  interpreted  as  the  last 
pose  of  a  neurotic.  "  Praise  for  Sir 
HERBERT  " — he  was  a  magnificent 
neurotic. 

Yet  I  have  never  before  been  so  much 
impressed  with  the  extraordinary  un- 
reality of  acting.  There  were  only 
three  or  four  moments  in  the  whole 
evening  when  it  was  possible  quite  to 
forget  that  one  was  in  a  theatre ;  and 
I  am  afraid  that  those  moments  were 
due  chiefly  to  the  extraordinary  reality 
of  the  scenery.  "  The  Courtyard  of 
the  castle  "  (BARKER)  was  so  real,  the 
little  staircase  in  the  corner  where 
Macbeth  and  Lady  Macbeth  sheltered 
gave  such  a  natural,  almost  homely, 


slowly.     If  it  were  done  when  'tis  done, 


determination,  I  realised,  before  I  had 
decided  on  my  course  of  action,  that  he 
was  comfortably  seated  astride  my  arm 
engaged  in  exploring  the  intricacies  of 
my  ear. 

On  discovering  that  I,  his  own 
mother,  possessed  that  wonderful  and 
complicated  thing  (the  mystery  of 
which  is  lost  on  adults) — a  human 
ear,  he  exhibited  an  almost  excessive 
elation.  He  pinched  it  to  make  sure 
that  he  was  awake,  he  tickled  it  to  see 
if  it  could  move,  he  covered  it  with 
hair  until  completely  hidden  for 
the  sole  pleasure  of  finding  it 
again. 

But,  since  the  day  was  hot, 
it  was  not  long  before  he  be- 
came aware  of  the  fact  that  has 
struck  every  child  since  the 
world  began — that  parents  are 
incurably  selfish.  His  harmless 
sport  was  denied  him,  and  for  a 
moment  or  two  he  lay  prostrate 
on  the  sand  aghast  at  his  first 
glimpse  of  the  Injustice  of  Life. 
Had  he  been  more  eloquent 
at  the  time  I  think  he  would 
have  told  me  that,  whereas  his 
ten  toes  and  the  wrinkle  of  fat 
round  his  wrists,  about  which 
he  permitted  me  to  grow  en- 
thusiastic, were  to  him  the  most 


then  'twere  well  it  were  done  quickly,  j  prosaic  things  on  earth,  an  adult  ear, 


for  it  starts  at  8,  and  one  must  get 
home  some  time.  But  being  done  as 
Sir  HERBERT  does  it,  with  Macbeth 
so  little  the  man  of  action,  I  doubt  if 
it  loses  anything  by  being  long  drawn 
out.  And  you  seem  to  get 
SHAKSI-EARE  for  your  money. 


more 
M. 


ABOUT  AN   EAE. 

IT  is  a  terrible  admission  for  a 
mother  to  have  to  make,  but  I  am 
compelled  to  own  that  my  son  is  dis- 


on  the  contrary,  was  one  of  the  wonders 
of  the  world.  But  since  the  language 
of  the  Splutter  and  the  Gurgle  does  not 
permit  of  argument  he  ignored  my 
commands  and  struggled  up  again  to 
the  point  of  vantage. 

It  was  then  that  the  disillusionment 
began.  My  ear,  he  discovered,  was  not 
all  he  had  thought  it.  He  poked  his 
finger  into  it  once  or  twice,  but  drew  it 
out  again,  disheartened.  He  tried  to 
undo  it  and  flatten  it  out  so  as  to  be 
able  to  mould  it  to  his  own  satisfaction. 


appointed  in  me.     I  had  had  moment-  It  was,  he  decided,  too  maze-like.     No 
ary  qualms  lest  he  should  despise  my  |  longer  satisfied  with  what,  in  the  first 


intellect,  detest  my  disposition  or  fail 
to  agree  with  my  opinions,  but  I  had 
never  imagined  that  it  could  be  my  car 
that  would  cause  this  sudden  coldness. 
Of  course  the  first  mistake  I  made 
was  in  not  realising  that  we  were  at 
cross  pin-poses.  We  were  lazily  lying 
on  the  sands  together  and  I  thought  it 
a  favourable  opportunity  to  commence 
his  education — that  is,  to  drum  into  his 


enthusiasm  of  discovery,  had  appeared 
so  delightful,  his  imagination  had  con- 
structed an  Ideal  Ear,  and  it  seemed  to 
him  that  one  ought  to  be  able  to  place 
one's  finger  on  the  outside  curve  and 
trace  it  round  spirally  until  the  centre 
was  reached.  That  was  his  conception 
of  what  an  ear,  a  truly  interesting  ear, 
should  he. 

It  was  useless  for  me  to  tell  him  that 


THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


19  > 


MCHTI    THKKK  mu 
firf.   "HooT-s,  WOMAN-!    D.XXA  FASH  TERSEL.     O,E  THK.M  W.KXTV  >VH,,KKV  AM,  THKV ',.,.  FIND  .Uw  rou 


my  features  had  not  been  constructed 
merely  for  his  amusement.  "  For  what, 
then  ? "  he  seemed  to  ask  me  with 
unfeigned  astonishment.  No,  it  was 
no  good  my  making  excuses.  My  ear 
was  not  the  perfect  ear.  He  felt  lie 
would  have  liked  his  mother  to  own  a 
simple,  direct  kind  of  ear— not  one  full 
of  pitfalls  and  sudden  turns.  Of  his 
own  accord  he  slid  down  on  to  the 
sand  again  and  lay  crushed  with  dis- 
appointment. 

It  was  a  terrihle  experience  for  me. 
He  looked  into  my  face,  most  plainly  tell- 
ing me  that  he  could  never  feel  the  same 
towards  me  again.  I  was  hurt.  My 
pride  was  lowered,  and  it  was  then  that 
this  coldness  arose  between  us  which 
we  can  neither  of  us  shake  off. 

I  have  roused  him  to  examine  other 
people's  ears.  Time  after  time  he  has 
been  cast  back  into  gloom  again.  But 
I  try  to  cheer  him,  filling  him  with 
hope  that  the  Next  Ear  will  be  the  one 
for  which  we  are  searching. 

I  never  thought  I  should  be  capable 
of  duplicity  in  my  dealings  with  my 
own  son.  I  can  only  hope  that  when 
lie  grows  to  manhood  he  will  believe 
that  1  acted  solely  from  a  motherly 


desire  to  accustom  him  early  to  tin 
disappointments  of  life.  Bui,  whiL 
outwardly  sympathetic,  I  am  deliber 
ately  causing  him  pain  and  shattering 
his  illusions  because,  out  of  a  pitiable 
vanity,  I  want  him  to  see  that  other 
ears  are  as  far  from  his  ideal  as  mine. 


A  SONG   OF  SYEINX. 
LITTLE  lady,  whom  'tis  said 

Pan  tried  very  hard  to  please, 
I  expect  before  you  fled 

'Neath  the  wondering  willow-trees, 
Ran  away  from  his  caress 
In  the  Doric  wilderness, 
That  you'd  led  him  on  a  lot, 
Said  you  would,  and  then  would  not, — 
No  way  that  to  treat  a  man, 
Little  lady  loved  of  Pan ! 

I  expect  you  "d  dropped  your  eyes 
(Eyes  that  held  your  stream's  own 

hue, 
Kingfishers  and  dragon-flies 

Sparkling  in  their  ripple  blue), 
And  you'd  tossed  your  tresses  up, 
Yellow  as  the  cool  king-cup, 
And  you  'd  dimpled  at  his  vows 
Underneath  the  willow  boughs, 


Ere  you  mocked  him,  ere  you  ran, 
Little  lady  loved  of  Pan  ! 

So  they  've  turned  you  to  a  reed, 
As  the  great  Olympians  could, 
You've  to  bow,  so  they've  decreed, 
When  old  Pan  comes  through  the 

wood, 

You've  to  curtsey  and  to  gleam 
In  the  wind  and  in  the  stream 
(Which  are  forms,  I  've  heard  folks  say, 
That  the  god  adopts  to-day), 
And  we  watch  you  bear  your  ban, 
Little  lady  loved  of  Pan  ! 

For  in  pleasant  spots  you  lie 

Where  the  lazy  river  is, 
Where  the  chasing  whispers  fly 

Through  the  beds  of  bulrush^. 
Where  the  big  chub,  golden  dun, 
Turns  his  sides  to  catch  the  sun, 
Where  one  listens  for  the  queer 
Voices  in  the  splashing  weir, 
iVhere  I  know  that  still  you  can 
Weave  a  spell  to  charm  a  man, 
*  ittle  lady  loved  of  Pan  ! 

liA*  tlicy  drank,  tin-  four  joined  liamU." 
' 


this  at  dinner  to-night.     It  will 
<eep  the  table  in  a  roar. 


196 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  13,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
MEDICAL  science  has  done  wonders  for  romance,  and  it 
was  a  glad  day  for  novelists  when  it  was  discovered  that  if 
you  hit  a  man  hard  over  the  head,  or  gave  him  a  sudden 
shock,  he  might  lose  his  memory  completely,  with  the 
chance  of  regaining  it  many  years  later  when  the  ethics  of 
justice  or  sensation  demanded.  This  handy  little  device  has 
been  well  used  in  Nigel  Ferrard  (MILLS  AND  BOON),  where 
Mrs.  BAJLLIE  REYNOLDS  has  made  a  small  girl  of  fourteen, 
•wandering  in  her  sleep,  the  chance  witness  of  a  dreadful 
midnight  crime.  Two  surgeons  are  conducting  an  opera- 
tion, and  one  of  them  deliberately  poisons  his  patient,  sub- 
sequently inducing  his  friend,  the  nephew  and  heir  of  the 
dead  man  and  the  actual  operator,  to  believe  that  he  has 
bungled  with  the  knife,  and  for  his  own  sake  had  better 
hush  up  the  affair.  Nigel  Ferrard  therefore  adopts  the 
unknown  and  inopportune  child,  who  is  found  to  have  lost 
all  knowledge  of  her  past  life.  When  she  grows  up,  he 
marries  her,  and  they 
are  entirely  happy,  until 
ifarchmont,  the  other 
doctor,  falls  under  the 
suspicion  of  his  wife, 
who  had  been  originally 
engaged  to  the  mur- 
dered man :  and  thus 
everything  is  ripe  for 
the  thunderbolt  to  fall. 
When  she  is  describing 
a  scene  of  terror  or 
some  state  of  mental 
distress  or  bewilder- 
ment Mrs.  BAILLIE 
REYNOLDS  writes  ex- 
ceedingly, well,  but  she 
seems  to  underest'mate 
the  value  of  conversa- 
tion in  romance,  and 
makes  very  little  at- 
tempt to  increase  our 
knowledge  of  or  our 
sympathy  with  her 
characters  by  its  aid 
so  that  I  found  myself 
not  so  much  stirred  as  I  should  have  liked  to  be  by  the 
final  catastrophe  and  revelation  of  guilt.  But  there  is 
no  doubt  that  the  pathological  situation  is  one  for  -which 
the  old  tragedians  would  have  given  pounds  and  pounds. 

My  theory  is  that  Lord  Stranleigh,  Philanthropist 
(WARD,  LOCK),  started  its  literary  life  in  the  form  of 
monthly  contributions  to  a  fourpence-halfpenny  magazine. 
If  this  is  not  the  fact,  the  supposition  serves  at  least  to 
show  you  the  kind  of  person  Stranleigh  was,  and  how 
Mr.  ROBERT  BABR  has  treated  him.  He  had,  to  begin 
with,  so  much  money  that  he  simply  didn't  know  how  on 
earth  to  get  rid  of  it ;  and  the  worst  was,  that  often,  when 
he  thought  he  was  chucking  the  wretched  stuff  away,  in 
charity  or  to  oblige  a  friend,  a  turn  of  events  would  bring 
it  all  back  to  him  increased  sevenfold.  So  that  he  went 
on  becoming  more  and  more  a  multi-millionaire,  and  not 
being  able  to  help  it.  To  me,  nowadays,  there  is  some- 
thing very  simple  and  beautiful  in  a  story  like  that.  I 
have  enough  of  the  Triplet  in  me  to  love  that  my  hero 
should  bo  able-to  write  a  cheque  after  lunch  for  a  hundred- 
and-fifty  thousand  pounds,  and  not  remember  it  at  tea- 
time;  and  this  pleasure  Mr.  ROBERT  BARR  has  certainly 


given  me  with  no  stinting  hand.  I  wish  I  could  say  that 
the  tales — for,  as  is  the  custom  with  magazine-characters, 
each  chapter  in  Stranleigh' 's  life  was  complete  in  itself — 
were  as  admirable  otherwise,  but  the  truth  is  I  found  them 
just  a  little  bit  disappointing.  In  each — the  adventure 
with  the  Russian  Prince,  or  with  the  railway  king,  or  the 
bank  manager,  or  what  not — there  was  a  host  of  admirable 
preparation, 
inadequate. 


to  which  the  climax  seemed  always  a  trifle 
But  I  have  admitted  that  I  enjoyed  reading 
the  book ;    and  I  believe  others  will  do  the  same.     It  is 


very  well  illustrated. 


Before  ALLEN  AKNOT  forges  her  next  novel  she  will  bo 
well  advised  to  re-read  The  Dempsey  Diamonds  (LANE)  with 
the  view  of  noting  how  many  mystifications  she  weaves 
and  leaves  unravelled,  and  on  how  many  and  what  slight 
occasions  she  employs  coincidence  to  make  her  story  march. 
A  tithe  of  the  coincidence  and  a  quarter  of  the  mystification 
would  have  carried  her  well  over  a  fairly  steep  tale  of 
adventure,  and  after  all  The  Dempsey  Diamonds  is  a 

chronicle  of  smallish 
beer.  Miss  Dempsey 
gave  me  the  impres- 
sion that  she  would 
have  found  a  less  in- 
effectual way  of  getting 
her  wealth  into  her 
granddaughter's  hands; 
neither  do  I  think  she 
would  have  been  so 
tragically  dismayed  at 
the  possibility  of  her 
secret  being  discovered. 
Not  Jane  or  William 
or  Nell  or  Chris  gave 
promise  of  being  so 
entirely  resourceless  in 
emergencies.  It  is 
much  better  to  make 
your  observations  at 
first-hand  and  to  set 
them  forth  in  your  own 
language  than  to  use 
the  consecrated  and 
always-to  -be  -  forgotten 
phrases  of  a  poor  tradi- 
tion. Crying  hoarsely,  bristling  the  eyebrows,  grinding  the 
teeth  and  laughing  sardonically  are  simply  not  done.  I 
suppose  one  does  occasionally  meet  immaculate  evening 
dress,  but  it  is  best  not  to  notice  it.  And  astonishingly 
few  of  one's  men  friends  ever  refer  to  a  woman,  however 
frail,  as  a  "  wicked  wretch." 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 
VII. — WAH  OFFICE  EXPEET  VISITING  A  SUBSIDISED  CONDENSED  MILK  DAIRY. 


I  am  still  straining  my  eyes  towards  the  literary  horizon 
for  another  good  volume  of  short  stories.  It  may  be  unkind 
to  suggest  that  In  Different  Keys  (MILLS  AND  BOON)  would 
have  been  better  called  Indifferent  Tales,  but  the  fact  is 
that  I.  A.  R.  WYLIE  has  not  risen  here  above  the  usual 
short  story  of  commerce — the  kind  that  is  written  in  June, 
and  served  up,  to  an  aroma  of  printer's  ink  and  highly- 
glazed  paper,  in  a 
October.  In  their 
these  well  enough ;  but  a  whole  volume  of  them  makes  for 
indigestion.  The  best  of  the  tales  seemed  to  me  to  be  the 
one  that  ends  the  book,  called  appropriately  The  Last 
Turn,  about  a  circus  acrobat  who  found  his  wife  carrying 
on  with  another  member  of  the  troupe,  and  almost  let  him 
fall  in  their  somersault  act,  but  didn't  quite.  There  was  a 
genuine  thrill  here,  and  some  human  behaviour. 


Christmas  No."  towards  the  end  of 
season,  and  a  little  at  a  time,  I  like 


SEPTEMBER  20,  1911-1  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


197 


PARROTS'    LAST    WORDS. 

IT  has  been  left  to  Professor  Wragge, 
now  on  a  visit  to  London  from  the 
Wisconsin  Laboratory  of  Biology  and 
Research,  to  explore  what  is,  even  at 
,his  late  date  in  the  world's  history,  an 
inlirely  .new  subject  of  investigation. 


Many 
selves 


persons 
in    the 


have   interested  thein- 
powers    of    speech   of 


aarrots;  but  the  Professor  specialises 
wholly  in  their  dying  remarks  ;  and  he 
is  in  England  at  this  moment  to  collect 
at  first  hand  data  from  parrot-owners 
[or  his  forthcoming  monograph. 

As  Mr.  Punch's  representa- 
tive, I  found  him  at  an  hotel 
conveniently  near  Leadenhall 
Market,  whither  he  goes  every 
morning  in  the  hope  of  con- 
versing with  sailors  and  others 
who  bring  their  birds  to  that 
place  to  be  sold. 

"Yes,"  he  said,  "it  is  a  pro- 
foundly absorbing  study.  iThe 
parrot  in  ordinary  life,  full  of 
health  and  vigour,  is  something 
of  a  problem :  he  seems  to  come 
in  his  intelligence  and  critical 
acumen  midway  betwixt  man 
and  bird.  There  is  something 
uncanny  about  him,  but  there 
is  nothing  that  moves  the  feel- 
ings. One  contemplates  him 
with  admiration  and  perplexity, 
even  wonder,  but  never  with 
sympathy.  One's  emotions  are 
untouched.  Is  it  not  so  ?  " 

"  Quite,"  I  said. 

"  But,"  continued  the  Pro- 
fessor, "  later,  when  his  faculties 
are  dimming,  when  he  nears 
the  moment  of  dissolution,  the 
parrot  can  strike  a  deeper  note 
Ah,  my  dear  Sir,  I  assure  you 
some  of  the  things  said  by 
parrots  then  would  bring  a  lump 
into  your  throat.  And  not  only 


have  talked,"  the  Professor  went  on, 


1  have  told  me  strange  things.      Not 
always   quite  printable,    1    fear — you 


"  Here  is  a  letter  from  a  lady  at 
Chislehurst.  The  parrot,  after  living 
with  her  for  fifteen  years,  died.  Its  _ 

last  words,  unfortunately  extremely  know  what  sailors  are — but  very  illu- 
indistinct,  were  either,  she  tells  me,  minating — very.  Parrots  who  after 
'  Good-bye,  old  friend,'  or  '  What  'a  the  long  lives  spent  in  the  fullest  and  most 
time?'  But  the  lady  strongly  inclines  to  'painfully  candid  expression  of  their 
the  former.  And  so,  I  may  add,  do  I. :  innermost  thoughts  soften  towards 
Another  parrot  owner,  a  clergyman,  i  the  end  into  sober  if  not  pious  taci- 


also  living  in  Kent,  whose  bird  had  been 
destitute  of  feathers  for  three  years 
before  it  died,  distinctly  remarked, 
'  Now  for  some  warmth  at  last.'  This 
the  reverend  gentleman  testifies  to. 


warp 


turnity.  One  in  particular  I  recall  who, 
noted  for  his  consistently  dazzling  and 
inopportune  profanity — often  interrupt- 
ing prayers  by  a  phrase  so  lurid  as  to 
the  mast  (the  sailor  assured 
me) — uttered  quietly,  just  be- 
fore he  died,  these  simple 
and  unadorned  words,  'There's 
a  good  time  coming,  I  don't 
think.' 

"  Here,"  continued  the  Pro- 
fessor, "is  another  letter,  also 
not  a  little  startling  in  its  sug- 
gestion of  the  unknown.  It  is 
from  a  lady  at  Great  Malvern. 
Her  parrot — one  of  the  grey 
variety,  perhaps  the  most  in- 
tellectual and  imparting — just 
before  it  died,  screamed  in  a 
loud  voice,  '  Light  the  gas  1 ' 
Very  curious,  is  it  not?  One 
sees  the  idea:  into  the  dark- 
ness, into  the  night.  The  dying 
GOETHK,  you  will  remember, 
uttered  a  similar  cry :  '  Light, 
more  light  1 ' 

"There  are  several  more," 
said  the  Professor;  but  I  had 
to  cut  him  short. 

"  It  is  profoundly  interesting," 
I  said,  "  but  I  really  must  run." 
And  I  really  ran. 


are  they  pathetic — they  are  in- 
spired too.  Glimpses  of  truth  ' 
Most  remarkable ! " 

"  Do  the  birds  always  know  they  are 
going  to  die?  "  I  asked. 

"  Not  always,"  he  replied.  "  Sudden 
death  may  come  to  a  parrot  as  to  any 
of  us.  A  choking  tit.  A  cat  overturning 
the  cage.  Last  words  in  such  a  case 
would  have  less  value.  They  might  be 
expressive  merely  of  rage  or  alarm. 
But  when  the  end  comes  slowly — when 
they  have  had  time  to  realise  what  it 
means — the  loss  of  everything  held  dear, 
the  cage,  the  perch,  the  parrot  food,  the 
master's  or  mistress's  stroking  fingers, 
the  opportunities  for  free  and  caustic 
comment — it  is  then  that  they  say  their 
best  things.  Let  me  read  you  a  few." 

He  drew  from  his  pocket  a  bundle  of 
letters  and  selected  half-a-dozen. 


"\VELL,  AUNT  EMMA,  WHEN  AUE  YOU  COMINO  FOR  A 

IX   MY  AEROPLANE  ?  " 


"MY  BEAR  BOY,    I'D   NO   MORE  THINK   OF   DOING  THAT  THAN 
I'D  THINK   OF   FI.YINO." 


"The  'Ixmdon  Gazette '  last  night 
contained  the  formal  notification  that 
HU  Majesty  had  ordered  A. 
•D'Elire  to  jiasa  the  great  seal  of  tin- 
United  Kingdom  empowering  the  Dean 
and  Chapter  of  Christ  Church,  Oxford 
University,  to  elect  a  Bishop  to  the 
See  of  Oxford."— Jtuiulee  Adrtrtixr. 

As    Mr.    d'Elire   jocularly   re- 


me 
the 
placed 


marked  to  our  correspondent, 

A  lady  at  Bournemouth  writes  to! judging    from    the    number    of    seals 

he  has  to  pass  he  might  just  as  well 
be  a  keeper  at  the  Zoo. 


:  '  Our  parrot  for  years  had  been  in 
habit  of  saying  "Good  night"  as  I 
,,—ced  the  cover  on  its  cage  before 
going  to  bed.  Then  latterly,  strangely 
enough,  it  substituted  another  phrase, 
and  instead  of  "Good  night,"  always 
said  "  Pretty  Poll,"  although  my  name  is 
Clara.  But  last  week,  when  it  died,  just 
before  it  closed  its  eyes  for  the  last  time, 
it  shook  itself  for  a  moment  on  its  perch, 
and  once  again,  after  an  interruption  of 
three  years  at  least,  said,  very  slowly, 
"  Good  night,"  and  then  fell  over.'  Her 
letter  ends  thus.  Is  not  the  finality  of 
this  very  touching  ?  " 

I  said  that  it  was. 

"Some  of  the  sailors  with  whom  I 


"He  dived  in  and  swam  out  strongly  to  sea, 
using  his  favourite  over-ami  stroke.  .  .  Alter 
half-an-hour'x  swim  Burgess  returned,  on  the 
stroke  of  eight  o'clock." 


Daily  Jour,"'!. 

Ho  should  have  kept  to  his  favourite 


stroke. 


"The  o,uarterly  rei>ort  of  the  Sanitary  In- 
spector was  submitted,  and  it  was  considered 
very  satisfactory.  The,  Report  showed  tliat  a 
sample  of  whisky  Uken  in  town  had  been 
analysed  and  found  to  be  genuine." 

Ross-sit  ire  Journal. 

Very  reassuring  indeed. 


1  >s 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHAKIVAKL [SEPTEMBER  20,  1911. 


FAREWELL   TO    SUMMER. 

SI-MMKR,  if  now  at  length  your  time  is  through, 
And  as  occurs  with  lovers,  we  must  part, 

My  poor  return  for  all  the  debt,  your  due, 
Is  just  to  say  that  you  may  keep  my  heart ; 

Still  warm  with  heat-waves  rolling  up  the  sky, 
Its  melting  tablets  mark  in  mid-September 

Their  record  of  the  best  three  months  that  1 
Ever  remember. 

I  had  almost  forgotten  how  it  felt 

Not  to  awake  at  dawn  to  sweltering  mirth, 

And  hourly  modify  my  ambient  belt 
To  cope  with  my  emaciated  girth  ; 

It  seems  that  always  I  have  had  to  stay 

My  forehead's  moisture  with  the  frequent  moppor, 

And  found  my  cheek  assume  from  day  to  day 
A  richer  copper. 

Strange  spells  you  wrought  with  your  transforming  glow ! 

O  London  drabness  bathed  in  lucent  heat ! 
O  Mansions  of  the  late  Queen  Anne,  and  O 

Buckingham  Palace  (also  Wimpole  Street) ! 
O  laughing  skies  traditionally  sad  ! 

0  barometric  forecasts  never  "  rainy  "  ! 
O  balmy  days,  and  noctcs,  let  me  add, 

Ambrosiana! 

And  if  your  weather  brought  the  strikers  oub 
And  turned  to  descrt-browu  tho  vordaub  plot ; 

If  civic  fathers,  who  are  often  stout, 
Murmured  at  times,  "  This  is  a  bit  too  hot  I  " 

If  the  slow  blood  of  rural  swains  has  stirred 

When  stating  what  their  views  about  the  crops  h, 

Or  jammy  lips  have  flung  some  bitter  word 
At  this  year's  wopses  ; — 

What  then  ?    You  may  have  missed  the  happy  mean, 

But  by  excess  of  virtue's  ample  store, 
Prjving  your  lavish  heart  was  over-keen, 

And  for  that  fault  I  love  you  yet  the  more ; 
Nay,  had  you  been  more  temperate  in  your  zeal, 

1  should  have  lacked  the  best  of  all  your  giving — 
The  thirst,  the  lovely  thirst,  that  made  me  feel 

Life  worth  the  living.  0.  S. 


WHERE   TO   GO    NEXT    HOLIDAY. 

BBADFOBD. 

Now  that  the  holiday  season  is  nearly  over  it  seems 
proper  to  remind  serious  and  responsible  people  that  there 
are  other  places  one  can  go  to  besides  Badgastein,  Nether 
Achnaharacle,  and  Margate.  Bradford  is  a  most  interesting 
place  for  an  autumn  holiday.  It  is  never  crowded  with 
trippers,  either  monthly  or  week-endly.  It  is  possible  at 
Bradford  to  get  away  from  the  Band  ;  and  there  are  never 
any  pierrots  to  disturb  one's  afternoon  siesta  on  the  banks 
of  the  Aire.  However,  the  purpose  of  this  article  is  not 
to  boom  Bradford  as  a  health-resort;  the  idea  is  rather 
to  be  didactic  and  informative,  to  lift  the  mind  of  the 
reader  to  a  higher  plane  of  thought  than  that  on  which 
it  moves  when  he  is  considering  the  music-hall  value  of 
BURGESS,  or  what  he  would  have  done  with  the  money  if 
lie  had  had  a  thousand  on  Prince  Palatine  for  the  Leger. 

The  chief  industry  of  Bradford  is  WOOLCOMBING,  and 
there  are  few  more  picturesque  sights  in  any  part  of  the 
world  than  the  convergence  upon  the  main  highways 
leading  to  Bradford  of  hundreds  of  thousands  of  sheep 
which  arrive,  twice  a  year,  from  all  parts  of  the  sur- 


rounding country,  and  even  from  Scotland  and  Wales,  to 
have  their  wool  combed.  This  process  used  to  be  per- 
formed locally ;  and  in  remote  places  small  holders  may 
still  he  seen  combing  their  own  sheep.  But  the  progressive 
owner  realises  now  that  it  is  cheaper  to  send  his  flock  into 
Bradford  twice  a  year  for  this  operation,  which  not  only 
gives  the  sheep  a  much  tidier  appearance,  but  stimulates 
the  growth  of  its  wool  and  improves  its  general  health  and 
spirits.  Unfortunately  for  the  purposes  of  the  journalists, 
woolcombing  is  a  secret  process ;  and  my  attempt  to  get 
into  the  comberies,  disguised  as  an  elderly  ram,  was 
frustrated.  But  I  was  fortunate  in  meeting  many  sheep, 
both  Before  and  After,  and  was  much  struck  with  the 
improvement  in  their  appearance.  Many  had  evidently 
indulged  in  a  singe  and  shampoo  also. 

Next  to  WooLC3MBiNG,  in  the  respect  of  the  Bradford 
man,  comes  the  MOHAIR  TRADE.  As  the  name  indicates, 
this  staple  depends  upon  a  comparatively  little-known 
animal,  the  Mo,  which  is  fortunately  plentiful  in  Asia 
Minor,  South  Africa  and  the  Argentine.  The  Asian  or 
African  Mo  must  not  be  confused  with  the  commoner 
British  variety,  distinguished,  for  trade  purposes,  by  the 
prefix  Ikey.  It  is  curious  to  think  that  there  arc  dozens  of 
Bradford  men,  each  with  two  motor  cars  and  a  grouse 
moor  in  Cumberland,  who  have  never  set  eyes  on  their 
benefactor,  the  Mo.  Thousands  of  miles  away,  on  the 
High  Veldt,  the  Mo  moves  day  after  day  in  his  orbit 
round  a  peg,  to  which  ho  is  attached  by  a  long  strand  of 
his  own  hair.  His  one  object  iu  life  is  to  feel  it  growing. 
At  night  be  is  corralled  by  his  keeper,  dexterously  and 
painlessly  shaved  with  a  16-20  h.p.  safety  razor,  _and 
turned  loose  to  accumulate  next  night's  crop.  The  hair  is 
then  packed  in  bales,  and  shipped  to  Bradford,  whose 
motto  is,  "  The  Mo  the  Merrier." 

From  Mohair  we  turn  to  Bradford's  third  industry— 
OIL-PRESS  BAGGING.  This  is  a  profession,  as  its  name 
suggests,  which  calls  for  considerable  resource  and  even 
daring.  Anyone  who  has  ever  seen  tin  oil-press  will  under- 
stand that  it  is  almost  as  hard  to  purloin,  without  exciting 
immediate  suspicion  and  pursuit,  as  the  Albert  Memorial. 
The  successful  Oil-Press  Bagger  must  be  wary  and  astute. 
He  must  know  where  there  are  Oil-Presses  worth  his 
attention,  and  to  what  extent  they  are  guarded.  Then  he 
has  to  consult  with  his  Head  Bagger  (an  official  who  is 
paid  a  huge  salary,  and  who  is  well  worth  it)  as  to  the 
plan  of  campaign.  I  was  fortunate  in  gaining  the 
confidence  of  several  Head  Baggers,  during  my  visit  to 
Bradford :  but  it  would  be  unfair,  and  might  even  be 
dangerous,  to  give  more  than  the  barest  outline  of  their 
method.  But  I  may  be  permitted  to  say  this,  that 
gelignite  and  a  Pickford  van  play  a  not  unimportant  part 
in  the  business.  A  team  of  Oil-Press  Baggers,  brawny  men 
from  the  Dales,  has  bsen  known  to  break  into  a  Baggery 
and  remove  a  full-sized  Oil-Press  in  2  min.  35J  sec.  The 
next  time  that  you  feed  your  pigs  with  oil-cake— if  you 
keep  pigs,  and  if  pigs  eat  oilcake — the  next  time  you  feel 
the  clammy  caress  of  a  linseed  poultice,  I  hopo  you  will 
spare  a  moment's  grateful  thought  for  the  Oil-Press 
Baggers  of  Bradford. 


Two  extracts  from  The  Melbourne  Age  :— 

"DiiNKELii.  —  From  420  merino  ewes,  Mr.  ^aul  Hcndrie.k,  of 
Warrayure,  obtained  375  lambs,  or  .99  per  cent." 

"Ki.MOKE.— A  fine  lambing  percentage  has  been  obtained  at  Mr.  II. 
Holmes's  Burneivaiig  Estate,  376.r>  lambs  being  marked  from  411  t-nixs- 
bred  and  comeback  ewes,  representing  91  per  cent." 

This  is  where  the  Colonial  has  the  advantage  of  us. 


I 


QQ 

H 


§ 


1 


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E 


u: 


SKI>TI<;MI:KU  20,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


201 


OUR   COUNTRYMEN   ABROAD. 


'Arry  (to  Bert).    "I'M  AT  THE  MAITIIYPOLB. 
NOT  MOEE'N  TWO  TABLES   FROM  A  CHAP  THAT 

NOTHING  !  " 


THEY  DON'T  'AKF  MAKE  YOU  SHELL  OUT  ;    BUT  THE  SEKCIETY  is  ALL  IUUHT.    I  SIT 

NEARLY    GOT    MADE    A    NEW    PEER.      WELL,    Yo'U    CAN'T    MIX    WITH    THAT    SORT    FOK 


THE    REVIVAL    OF    HUMOUR. 

RAIN  !  it 's  a  long  time  since  I  met  you,  rain  ! 

Mother  of  rivers,  but  oh  far  more  sweet 
Than  when  you  souse  the  hillside  and  the  plain 
Here  in  the  hippodrome  of  hurrying  street ! 

How  nice  to  sit 
And  watch  the  people  squirm  beneath  your  wit ! 

See,  here  is  one  that  should  have  brought  his  gamp, 

Broker  or,  may  be,  member  of  the  Bar, 
But  hath  not  done  so,  and  his  clothes  are  damp, 
So  is  his  tile,  and  taxicabs  are  far  ; 

He  does  not  say 
"  O  fruitful  quickener  of  the  earth  ! "  nor  pray 

To  whosoe'er  of  the  immortal  gods, 

When  fields  are  parched  and  dry  through  months  of  glare, 
Sends  down  upon  the  world  these  genial  rods, 
Nor  cry,  "  O  balmy  one !  0  god  most  fair ! " 

Soothly  his  voice 
Is  raised  in  language  nothing  like  so  choice. 

And  then  the  nymphs !  witb  garments  apt  to  spoil, 

Hoping  against  all  hope  bhey  stand  and  wait 
Beneath  some  shop-front,  ffarden  of  their  toil, 
Then  dash  for  it,  and  get  in  such  a  state 
Their  so-called  "  things ;  " 
They  also  use  what  oaths  experience  brings. 

Eain,  thou  comedian !  it  does  me  good 

To  see  the  fine  old  farce  revived  once  more 
Of  frequent  mud-stains  splashing  from  the  wood ; 


Observe  that  man  out  there,  I  bet  he  swore 

To  find  his  hat 
All  spotted  like  the  pard — a  brougham  did  that. 

I,  only  I,  remembering  how  kind 

Are  all  the  boons  of  nature,  how  the  mist 
Engenders  torrents,  and  the  rivers  wind 

Through  wakening  valleys,  and  the  woods  are  kissed, 

And  how  my  tea 
Needs  water,  and  my  bath  its  h.  and  c. — 

I,  keeping  tolerant  and  calm  and  bland, 

Smile  at  the  throaty  gurgles  of  the  drain  ; 
The  noise  of  many  waters  in  the  land 
Pleases  me  mightily ;  I  laugh,  0  rain, 

Watching  you  tub 
Old  London — from  the  windows  of  my  club.        EVOE. 

"  Certain  excitement  was  caused  in  journalistic  aud  artistic  circle*  \>j 
the  news  of  the  arrt-st  of  M.  Hostrowisky,  who  has  been  a  contributor 
to  several  papers  in  Paris  under  the  name  of  Uuillaume  A|>oUinaire. " 

Keuter. 

His  assumed  name  (so  different  from  that  of  his  birth) 
seems  to  have  been  "  writ  in  water  "  (mineral). 

"  An  announcement  of  more  than  ordinary  interest  is  that  of  Henry 
Chailewood  Turner,  second  son  of  the  Bishop  of  Islington,  and 
grandson  of  the  late  Bishop  McDougall,  and  Inez  Elizabeth,  only 
surviving  child  of  the  Rev.  John  Huntlcy  Skrine,  Vicar  of  St.  IVU-r-in- 
the-East,  Oxford,  and  sometime  Warden  of  Clenalmond." 

Church  Family  Xeuxpjpcr. 

Unfortunately  the  announcement  ends  here,  but  we  can 
guess  what  happened  and  beg  to  congratulate  them. 


202 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  20,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"THE  OGRE." 

FOB  weeks  I  had  been  living  the 
animal  life,  chasing  the  grouse-bird 
over  heart-breaking  peat-hags ;  plough- 
ing, with  steady  alternation,  the  blue 
seas  and  the  white  bunkers  of  Brittany; 
and  now  my  stagnant  mind  was  to 
have  an  intellectual  treat.  Eeturned 
to  London,  the  headquarters  of  the 
hierarchy  of  Dramatic  Culture,  I  was, 
on  my  first  night,  to  sit  at  the  feet  of 
Mr.  HENRY  ARTHUR  JONES,  its  anointed 
high-priest. 

At  once  I  saw  that  things  had  been 
moving  on  while  I  was  away.  New 
types,  undreamed  of  in  my  experience 
of  actual  humanity,  had  sprung  into 
being.  Here  was  a  flapper  (with  pig- 
tail) talking  the  glib  rhetoric  of  Female 
Emancipation  with  the  aplomb  of  a 
PANKHURST.  Here  was  her  elder  sister, 
a  picture  of  virginal  simplicity,  sud- 
denly become  notorious  as  the  author  of 
a  shady  novel  about  shop-girls,  censored 
by  the  libraries.  Here  was  her  callow 
brother,  educated  at  Harrow,  Cam- 
bridge and  the  Music  Halls,  addressing 
his  young  step-mother,  with  wearying 
insistence,  as  "  pretty  belle-mere."  Here 
was  that  lady  conspiring  with  her  hus- 
band's children  to  flout  the  authority  of 
their  father.  Here  was  that  father, 
mildest-mannered  of  City  merchants, 
lending  his  preposterous  nickname  of 
Ogre  to  the  latest  of  Mr.  JONES'S  mas- 
terpieces. I  pass  over  the  young  man's 
best  girl,  the  most  incredible  charmer 
that  ever  disturbed  the  realms  of  pure 
imagination  with  the  tootle  of  her  car, 
and  content  myself  with  saying  that 
Art,  that  tireless  inventor,  had  truly 
not  been  idle  in  my  absence. 

It  looks  as  if  Mr.  HENRY  ARTHUR 
JONES  had  meant  to  give  us  a  refined 
modern  version-  of  The  Taming  of  the 
Shreiv.  But  the  brutality  of  Petruchio 
is  everything.  Take  that  from  him  and 
his  occupation 's  gone.  Mr.  JONES'S  Ogre 
is  satisfied  to  assert  his  manhood  by 
nailing  over  his  mantelpiece  a  pair  of 
riding  breeches  (not  an  exclusively 
masculine  garment)  and  eating  a  soli- 
tary chop  in  the  presence  of  his  starv- 
ing family.  (Let  me  here  say  that  Sir 
GEORGE  ALEXANDER  ate  his  chop  just 
about  as  well  as  it  could  be  eaten. 
It  was  a  delightful  little  interval  of 
comedy  in  a  very  desert  of  trivial 
iteration.)  And  at  the  end  I  could  not 
find  that  we  were  much  better  off  than 
when  we  started,  or  that  the  Ogre  had 
really  done  so  very  much  taming.  It 
is  true  that  his  elder  daughter  (no 
thanks  to  him)  was  off  his  hands  and 
that  his  ne'er-do-weel  boy  had  gone  to 
swell  the  ranks  of  his  kind  in  Canada, 
but  no  one  supposed  for  a  moment  that 


his  shrew  of  a  wife  had  undergone  any 
sort  of  reform.  Of  course  I  shouldn't 
think  of  worrying  about  the  aimless 
futility  of  it  all  if  only  it  hadn't  been 
the  work  of  Mr.  HENRY  ARTHUR  JONES. 
For  he  has  always  recognised  himself 
as  an  authority  on  the  right  methods  of 
making  plays,  and,  generously  enough, 
has  made  no  pretence  of  concealing  his 
views  from  the  public. 

Sir  GEORGE  ALEXANDER  was  in  rather 
attractive  vein.  I  couldn't  wish  to 
meet  an  ogre  more  gentle,  more  re- 
served, more  passively  persuasive.  He 
must  have  taken  fifty  or  sixty  bites  to 
his  simple  mutton-chop,  and  he  washed 
it  down  with  homely  ale  instead  of 
human  blood.  Miss  KATE  CUTLER  had 
harder  work  to  win  our  sympathy  in  a 
character  compact  of  the  elements  of 
shrew  and  minx.  But  she  cannot  help 
playing  well.  Mr.  VALENTINE,  as  a 
gardener  who  had  "corpsed"  a  shrew 
of  his  own  and  knew  full  well  how  the 
type  should  be  handled,  had  an  eye 
that  was  more  eloquent  than  any 
language,  though  he  could  be  vocal 
to  good  purpose  when  he  chose.  Mr. 
MATTHEWS,  heavily  handicapped  by 
the  lady  of  his  choice,  scarcely  had 
his  usual  chance.  But  he  was  always 
good  to  watch  even  if  he  had  little 
to  say  that  was  worth  while.  Mr. 
REYNOLDS  and  Mr.  NARES  performed 
their  slight  tasks  very  naturally.  Finally 
Mr.  HALLAHD,  though  he  did  great 
execution  with  rolling  eyes  and  flashing 
teeth,  never  seemed  a  very  probable 
breaker-up  of  the  domestic  menage. 

The  dialogue,  studded  with  simple 
pleasantries,  was  seldom  brilliant.  It 
seems  a  little  late  in  the  day  to  sug- 
gest, as  a  bon  mot,  that  the  censoring 
of  a  book  is  a  good  advertisement  for 
it ;  and  when  you  recur  to  your  chop 
after  an  interval  for  conversation  you 
should  always  think  of  some  better 
remark  than  "  Let  us  return  to  our 
mutton." 

Altogether  the  play,  though  it  had 
its  spasms  of  quiet  humour,  cannot,  I 
fear,  be  long  for  this  world.  Still,  one 
never  knows.  O.  S. 

"  THE  PERPLEXED  HUSBAND." 

Thomas  Felling  may  well  have  been 
perplexed.  He  came  back  from  Eussia 
expecting  to  find  the  happy  loving  little 
wife  that  he  had  left  six  weeks  ago  and 
was  greeted  coldly  by  a  strange  woman 
— the  same  in  appearance  but  with 
how  different  a  manner  towards  him. 
In  his  absence  she  had  discovered  (with 
the  help  of  Dulcie  Elstead  and  Clar- 
ence Woodhouse,  those  champions  of 
Women's  Eights)  that  he  had  been 
treating  her  as  a  doll,  that  she  was 
only — this  surprised  Thomas — "the 
principal  woman  in  his  harem."  She 


knew  now  that  she  must  "  live  her  own 
life ;  "  and  until  Thomas  showed  that 
he  understood  and  sympathised  she 
would  only  be  a  stranger  to  him.  Now 
Thomas  was  no  fool,  though  he  was  a 
Philistine.  As  an  earnest  of  his  com- 
plete understanding  he  announced  his 
intention  of  kicking  Dulcie  and  Clarence 
out  of  the  house.  Sophie  said  that  if 
he  did  this  she  would  leave  the  house 
with  them — for  ever.  Whereupon  the 
poor  husband  was  indeed  perplexed.  ' 

Luckily  Mrs.  Margell  had  a  plan. 
In  real  life  people  never  have  plans,  or 
if  they  do  they  take  weeks  and  weeks 
to  think  of  them.  Obviously  we 
couldn't  sit  and  watch  Thomas  for 
weeks  and  weeks  while  he  thought  of  a 
plan ;  the  thing  had  to  be  announced 
at  once,  even  while  we  looked  and 
waited.  It  was  quite  a  simple  plan — 
the  dear  old  one,  in  fact,  which 
gets  another  woman  into  the  house 
in  order  to  make  the  wife  jealous. 
Mrs.  Margell  was,  no  doubt,  a  great 
playgoer,  and  had  seen  this  plan  work- 
ing successfully  on  the  stage  hundreds 
of  times ;  so  she  had  confidence  in 
recommending  it  to  Thomas. 

Well,  it  worked  again.  Not  quite  in 
the  way  Thomas  expected,  but  none 
the  less  to  the  happiness  of  himself 
and  his  wife,  and  to  the  great  glory  of 
Mr.  ALFRED  SUTRO.  For  Mr.  SUTRO  has 
written  a  capital  play,  artificial  perhaps 
in  places,  but  always  interesting.  And 
I  shall  not  be  so  silly  as  to  accuse  him 
of  trying  to  solve  the  Woman  Sut'fYugn 
question. 

Mr.  GERALD  DU  MAUHIER  was  a 
perfect  Thomas  Felling,  and  he  may  be 
congratulated  not  only  on  his  own  fine 
performance  but  also  on  his  company.  ! 
Miss  ATHENE  SEYLER  (who  made  such  I 
a  delightful  first  appearance  in  Tltc  I 
Truants)  showed  quite  another  side  of] 
her  art  as  the  earnest  little  wife,  and 
was  equally  successful  in  it.  As  the 
emancipated  Dulcie  (why  Dulcie  ?) 
Miss  HENRIETTA  WATSON  was  as 
effective  as  ever  in  an  unsympathetic 
part ;  as  the  philosopher  Clarence  (why 
Clarence  ? )  Mr.  LYALL  SWETE  was  com- 
pletely in  the  picture.  Miss  MAUDE 
MILLETT  looked  and  spoke  just  like 
the  matter-of-fact  Mrs.  Margell,  and 
Miss  ENID  BELL  showed  something 
more  than  the  beauty  that  is  always 
necessary  in  the  "other  woman."  Both 
Thomas  and  I  thought  at  first  that  to 
look  beautiful  would  be  all  she  would 
have  to  do ;  but,  as  it  turned  out,  there 
was  much  more  in  it  than  that.  M. 


"PUBLIC    LUNCHEON. 
SHEEP   WORRYING    IN    DEVON." 

Western  Mm-uimj  Xct 

Mutton  again ! 


SEPTEMBER^,  ion.]       ^UNCII,_OR_THEJ[^DON_CHARIVARI. 

A    DOMESTIC    TRAGEDY. 


203 


1 


Our  Doctor.  "I'M  SORRY  TO  SAY,  OLD  MAN,  IT'S  APPENDICES, 

AND  YOU   MUST  HAVE  THE   OPERATION   NEXT  WEEK." 


Fanny.  "ARE  YOU  SURE  YOUR  DOCTOR  is  COMPETENT  TO 

UNDERTAKE  THE  OPERATION?  SOME  DOCTORS  ARE  DREADFULLY 
CARELESS.  O.NE,  WHO  OPERATED  ON  A  POOR  FRIEND  OF  MINE, 
ACCIDENTALLY  SEWED  UP  HIS  HAT  AND  GLOVES  IN  HIS  PATIENT." 


DorMy.  "Ii's   vsnr  COWARDLY  AXO  WICKED  TO  HIVE 

THE  OPERATION  ;  WHY  CAN'T  YOU  BEAR  IT  LIKE  I  DO?  I'VE  HA. 
APPENDICITIS  FOR  YEARS,  I  AM  SURE.  YOU'LL  HE  AWAY  FIIOM 
WORK  FOR  WEEKS,  AN|>  THINK  OF  THE  TROUBLE  AND  ANXIETY 

YOU   LL  CAl'SE   US   ALL." 


Sisler-in-law  Sydney.  "So  YOU'RE  GOING  INTO  A  NURMNO  HOME 

FOR  THE  JOB?  HOPE  YOU 'l.L  LIKE  IT.  YOU  'LL  PROBABLY  CATCH 
SOMETHING  ELSE  OR  DIE  OF  STARVATION,  LIKE  A  MAN  I  HEARD 
OF  WHO  GOT  FORGOTTEN.  WELL,  GOOD-BYX  AND  GOOD  LUCK  TO 
THE  CARVING  !  " 


•Frieiul  fiobert.  "I  THOUGHT  I  'D  JUST  LOOK  IN  TO  SEE  IF  YOO'D 

PALP  UP  ALL  YOUR  INSURANCES,  MADE  YOUR  WILL  AND  GOT  EVERY- 
THING IN  ORDER.  I  THOUGHT,  TOO,  I  COULD  SAVE  YOUR  WIDOW 
TROUBLE  IF " 


Our  Doctor.   "SORRY,  OLD  MAN,  A  MISTAKE  IN  MY  DIAGNOSIS  ; 

YOU  'VE  NOT  COT  APPENDICITIS  ;  YOU  *RE  ALL  RIGHT.      GET  DP,  IT  '» 

YOUR  WIFE'S  I-ASTRY;  I'vs  JVST  HAD  son* I" 


•204 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAJJ1VARI. 


20, 


A    SUMMER    COLD. 

\VIIKN  1  am  not  feeling  very  well  I 
go  to  Hi'ati-ice  for  sympathy  and 
advice.  Anyliow,  I  get  the  advice. 

"  I  think,  '  1  said  carelessly,  wishing 
to  break  it  to  her  as  gently  as  possible, 
••  1  think  I  have  liay-l'evor." 
••  NoiiM'iisi-,"  said  Beatrice. 
That  annoyed  me.      Why  shouldn't 
I  have  hay-fever  if  1  wanted  to  ? 

"  If   you  're   going  to  begrudge   mo 
every  little  thing,"  I  began. 
"  You  haven't  even  got  a  cold." 
As  luck  would  have  it  a  sneeze  chose 
that  moment  for  its  arrival. 

"  There!  "  I  said  triumphantly. 
"  Why,  my  dear  boy,  if  you  had  hay- 
fever  you  'd  be  sneezing  all  day." 

"That  was  only  a  sample.  There 
are  lots  more  where  that  came  from." 

"  Don't  be  so  silly.  Fancy  starting 
hay-fever  in  September." 

"I'm  not  st.irting  it.  I  am,  I 
earnestly  hope,  just  finishing  it.  If  you 
want  to  know,  I  've  had  a  cold  all  the 
summer." 

"  Well,  I  haven't  noticed  it." 
"  That 's  because  I  'm  such  a  good 
actor.  I  've  been  playing  the  part  of 
a  man  who  hasn't  had  a  cold  all  the 
summer.  In  short,  I  've  been  wearing 
the  mask." 

Beatrice  disdained  to  answer,  and 
by-and-by  I  sneszed  again. 

"  You  certainly   have  a   cold,"   she 
said,  putting  down  her  work. 
"  Come,  this  is  something." 
"  You  must  be   careful.     How   did 
you  catch  it  ?  " 

"  I  didn't  catch  it.      It  caught  me." 
"  Last  week-end  ?  " 
"  No,  last  May." 

Beatrice  picked  up  her  work  again 
impatiently.  I  sneezed  a  third  time. 

"  Is  this  more  the  sort  of  thing  you 
want  ?  "  I  said. 

"  What  I  say  is  that  you  couldn't 
have  had  hay-fever  all  the  summer 
without  people  knowing." 

"  But,  my  dear  Beatrice,  people  do 
know.  In  this  quiet  little  suburb  you 
are  rather  out  of  the  w-ay  of  the  busy 
world.  Eumours  of  war,  depressions 
on  the  Stock  Exchange,  my  hay-fever 
— these  things  pass  you  by.  But  the 
clubs  are  full  of  it.  I  assure  you  that, 
all  over  the  country,  England's  stately 
homes  have  been  plunged  into  mourn- 
ing by  the  news  of  my  sufferings, 
historic  piles  have  bowed  their  heads 
and  wept." 

"  I  suppose  you  mean  that  in  every 
house  you  've  besn  to  this  summer 
you  've  told  them  that  you  had  it,  and 
they  've  been  foolish  enough  to  believe 
you." 

"That's  putting  it  a  little  crudely. 
What  happens  is " 


"  Well,  all  I  can  say  is,  you  know  a 
very  silly  lot  of  people." 

"  What  happens  is  that  when  the 
mahogany  has  been  cleared  of  its 
polished  silver  and  choice  napery,  and 
wine  of  a  rare  old  vintage  is  circulating 
from  hand  to  hand— 

"  If  they  wanted  to  take  any  notice 
of  you  at  all,  they  could  have  given  you 
a  bread  poultice  and  sent  you  to  bed." 

"  Then,  as  we  impatiently  bite  the 
ends  off  our  priceless  Havanas — 

"  They  might  know  that  you  couldn't 
possibly  have  hay-fever." 

I  sat  up  suddenly  and  spoko  to 
Beatrice. 

"  Why  on  earth  shouldn't  I  have  hay- 
fever  ?  "  I  demanded.  "  Have  you  any 
idea  what  hay-fever  is  ?  I  suppose  you 
think  I  ought  to  1)3  running  about 
wildly,  trying  to  eat  hay  ?  or  showing 
an  unaccountable  aversion  from  dried 
grass?  I  take  it  that  there  are  grades 
of  hay-fever,  as  there  are  of  everything 
else.  I  have  it  at  present  in  a  mild 
form.  Instead  of  being  thankful  that 
it  is  no  worse,  you — 

"  My  dear  boy,  hay-fever  is  a  thing 
peop'e  have  all  their  lives,  and  it 
comes  on  every  summer.  You  've  never 
even  pretended  to  have  it  before  this 
year." 

"  Yes,  but  you  must  start  some  time. 
I  'm  a  little  backward,  perhaps.  Just 
because  there  are  a  few  infant  prodigies 
about,  don't  despise  me.  In  a  year  or 
two  I  shall  be  as  regular  as  the  rest  of 
them."  And  I  sneezed  again. 

Beatrice  got  up  with  an  air  of 
decision  and  left  the  room.  For  a 
moment  I  thought  she  was  angry  and 
had  gone  for  a  policeman,  but  as  the 
minutes  went  by  and  she  didn't  return 
I  began  to  fear  that  she  might  have 
left  the  house  for  good.  I  was  wonder- 
ing how  I  should  break  the  news  to 
her  family  when,  to  my  relief,  she  came 
in  again. 

"You  may  be  right,"  she  said, 
putting  down  a  small  package  and 
unpinning  her  hat.  "  Try  this.  The 
chemist  says  it 's  the  best  hay-fever 
cure  there  is." 

"It's  in  a  lot  of  languages,"  I  said 
as  I  took  the  wrapper  off.  "  I  suppose 
German  hay  is  the  same  as  any  other 
sort  of  hay  ?  Oh,  here  it  is  in  English. 
I  say,  this  is  a  what-d'-you-call-it  cure." 

"  So  the  man  said." 

"  Homoeopathic.  It 's  made  from  the 
pollen  that  causes  hay-fever.  Yes. 
Ah,  yes."  I  coughed  slightly  and 
looked  at  Beatrice  out  of  the  corner  of 
my  eye.  "  I  suppose,"  I  said  carelessly, 
"  if  anybody  took  this  who  hadn't  got 
hay-fever,  the  results  might  be  rather — 
I  mean  that  he  might  then  find  that 
he— in  fact,  er — had  got  it." 

"  Sure  to,"  said  Beatrice. 


"  Yes.  That  makes  us  a  little 
thoughtful ;  we  don't  want  to  over-do 
this  thing."  I  went  on  reading  the 
instructions.  "  You  know,  it 's  rather 
odd  about  my  hay-fever — it 's  generally 
worse  in  town  than  in  the  country." 

"  But  then  you  started  so  late,  dear. 
You  haven't  really  got  into  the  swing 
of  it  yet." 

"  Yes,  but  still — you  know,  I  have 
my  doubts  about  the  gentleman  who 
invented  this.  We  don't  see  eye  to  eye 
in  this  matter.  Beatrice,  you  may  be 
right — perhaps  I  haven't  got  hay- 
fever." 

"  Oil,  don't  give  up." 

"  But  all  the  samy  I  know  I  've  got 
something.  It  's  a  funny  tiling  about 
my  being  worse  in  town  t!;an  in  the 
country.  That  looks  rather  as  if — 
By  Jove,  I  know  what  it  is — I  've  get 
just  the  opposite  of  hay-fever." 

"  What  is  the  opposite  of  hay  ?  " 

"Why,  bricks  and  things." 

I  gave  a  last  sneeze  and  began  to 
wrap  up  the  cure. 

"Take  this  pollen  stuff  back,"  I  said 
to  Beatrice,  "  and  ask  the  man  if  he's 
got  anything  homoeopathic  made  from 
paving-stones.  Because,  you  know, 
that 's  what  I  really  want." 

"  You  have  got  a  cold,"  slid  Beatrice. 

A.  A.  M. 


STARS  IN  COLLISION. 

READERS  of  our  esteemed  contem-  | 
porary,  The  British  Weekly,  can  hardly 
have  failed  to  notice  the  striking  item 
of  literary  news  which  appears  in  th  • 
last  issue  over  the  signature  "A  Man 
of  Kent":— 

"The  Ameiiciii  papers  tell  us  that  what  :! 
came  near  being  a  seiious  accident  occurml 
recently  at  Kennebunkport,  Me.,  where  Mar- 
garet Delaml  and  George  Barr  McCutcheOB 
have  summer  cottages.  Both  writers  own 
automobiles,  and  one  day  were  taking  an 
outing  in  them.  They  met  so  suddenly  in  a 
narrow  road  that  a  crash  was  inevitable, 
and  Mr.  MeCutcheon's  machine  struck  Mrs. 
Iceland's,  dashing  it  over  an  embankment  eight 
or  nine  feet  high.  By  a  miracle  it  was  not 
overturned,  and  no  serious  damage  resulted 
from  the  encounter." 

It  is  reassuring  to  the  national 
amour  propre  to  know  that  these  ex- 
hilarating encounters  are  not  the 
monopoly  of  the  New  World. 

Thus  an  accident  that  might  have 
been  attended  with  consequences 
calculated  to  eclipse  the  gaiety  of 
two  hemispheres  is  reported  from 
Byde  (I.  of  W.)  It  seems  that  Mr. 
HENRY  JAMES,  who  has  -recently  pur- 
chased a  hydroplane,  was  cruising  in 
the  Solent  when  lie  collided  with  a 
motor  boat  driven  by  Mr.  JOSEPH 
CONEAD.  As  both  craft  were  travel- 
ling at  a  high  speed  they  became  so 
inextricably  entangled  that  it  was 


SEPTEMnEB  20,  1911.]          PUNCH,    OR    TIIK    LONDON    CHAIIIVAUI. 


"Now  CAX  YOU  DESCRIBE  THE  HOUSE  is  orKMios.'     ll»w  «n:  \VA«  IT,  101:  INSTANCE!" 

IT  WAS   SIXTEEN    FEET,    Y'R  HONOUR." 

Magistrate.   "CosiE,  COME!     REMEMBER  YOU  ARE  ON  YOUR  OATH!     DON'T  \ur  MKAN  SIXTEEN  HAMIS?" 
Witness.  "INDEED,  THIN,  IT  WAS  HANDS  I  MEANT;    AND  DID  I  SAY  FEET,  Y'R  iioNot'n ?    An,  WELL,  I'M  ON  MY  OATH,  so  WE'LL 

LET    IT   STAND.       SUBE,    THIN,    IT    WAS  SIXTEEN    FEET,    Y'R   HONOl'K." 


impossible  to  separate  them.  The 
illustrious  pilots  were  both  hurled  into 
the  sea,  and  the  shock  was  so  great 
that  Professor  MILNE'S  seismograph  at 
Shide  Hill  was  violently  agitated  and  a 
nock  of  solan  geese  which  were  cross- 
ing the  island  fell  to  the  ground  in  a 
state  of  hopeless  inanition.  Fortunately 
the  two  famous  novelists  were  picked 
up  by  a  submarine  and  conveyed  to 
Ryde.  According  to  the  latest  advices 
Mr.  HENRY  JAMES  has  nearly  completed 
tha  scenario  of  his  apology  to  Mr. 
CONRAD,  which  is  expected  to  run  to 
about  140,000  words.  It  will  shortly 
be  published  in  two  volumes  by  Mr. 
HEINEMANN,  under  the  t'.tle  of  "  A 
Marine  Entanglement." 

The  charming  village  of  Ripley  was 
recently  the  scene  of  an  extraordinary 
encounter  between  Mr.  G.  K.  CHES- 
TERTON and  Mr.  SILAS  K.  HOCKING. 
Mr.  CHESTERTON,  who  was  mounted 
on  a  10-h.p.  "Giant"  motor  bicycle, 
swept  round  a  corner  into  the  High 
Street  at  a  high  rate  of  speed  and 
dashed  into  a  Cornish  Eiviera  landau- 
lette,  in  which  Mr.  HOCKING  was  sitting 
before  the  door  of  a  temperance  hotel. 
To  avoid  the  inevitable  collision,  Mr. 
HOCKING  threw  himself  out  of  his  car, 
while  Mr.  CHESTERTON,  by  an  extra- 


ordinary act  of  levitation,  sailed  clean 
over  the  roof  of  the  hotel,  and  clung  to  a 
telegraph  pole  until  he  was  brought 
down  by  the  captain  of  the  local  fire- 
brigade.  Happily,  neither  of  the 
authors  was  hurt,  Mr.  HOCKING  being 
a  man  of  iron  constitution,  while  Mr. 
CHESTERTON'S  buoyancy  completely 
neutralised  the  sudden  impact  with 
the  telegraph  pole,  on  which  a  suitable 
tablet  has  already  been  placed  by  the 
Parish  Council. 

Mrs.  ELINOR  GLYN,  amongst  her 
other  accomplishments,  is  a  fearless 
aeroplanist,  and  has  already  crossed 
the  Channel  several  times.  During 
her  last  transit,  however,  she  narrowly 
escaped  destruction.  When  only  about 
a  mile  from  the  French  coast  an 
explosion  of  petrol  set  the  aeroplane 
on  fire,  and  she  dropped  like  a  stone 
through  the  void.  By  an  extraordinary 
piece  of  good  fortune  Mr.  WILLIAM 
LE  QUEUX,  who  was  returning  to 
France  in  his  magnificent  steam  yacht 
Gloriana,  happened  to  b3  exactly 
beneath  hsr,  and  when  the  burning 
aeroplane  dropped  on  the  deck,  several 
of  his  footmen  promptly  extinguished 
the  flames.  Mrs.  GLYN,  who  was  clad 
in  a  suit  of  asbestos  overalls,  escaped 
without  any  injury,  but  the  buttons  on 


the  livery  of  the  footmen  were  melted 
by  the  terrific  heat. 

Lastly,  we  have  to  chronicle  a 
momentous  rencontre  which  occurred 
lately  in  Hertfordshire.  Mrs.  SARAH 
TOOLEY,  who  is  in  the  habit  of  riding 
across  country  on  a  small  African 
elephant  of  extraordinary  agility,  leapt 
her  steed  over  a  hedge  into  a  road 
just  as  Mr.  MAURICE  HEWLETT  was 
passing  by  in  his  16-cylinder  Senhouse 
Limousine,  crashing  through  the  roof 
with  a  noise  that  was  distinctly  audible 
at  Lord  ROTHSCHILD'S  stately  home  at 
Tring,  seven  miles  away.  The  .remark- 
able feature  of  the  accident,  however, 
was  that  while  neither  Mrs.  TOOLEY 
nor  Mr.  MAURICE  HEWLETT  received  a 
scratch,  the  elephant  was  smashed  to 
smithereens  and  was  never  seen  again, 
though  Major  RICHARDSON  and  his 
bloodhounds  were  on  the  scene  of 
action  within  twenty-four  hours. 

Potted  Poets  :  I.  Browning. 
"The  rev.  gentleman  Iwsed  an  eloquent 
discourse  on  'Courage.'  Browning,  «"<>  1|P- 
speaks  of  the  man  who  never  turned  his  haek, 
who  never  dreamed,  though  right  were  worsted, 
and  wrong  triumphed."— OW.itsA  Adetrtaer. 

If  he  slept  on  his  back  he  must  have 
dreamed. 


20 


PUNCH,   OK  THE   LONDON_CHARIVARI 


20,  191L 


Mother.    "WHAT  DID  YOU  WANT  TO   HURT  YOUR  LITTLE  SISTER  FOR?" 

Harold.  "I  DIDN'T  WANT  TO;    I  JUST  WANTED  TO  SEE  HOW  HARD  I  COULD  PULL  HER  HAIR  WITHOUT  HUETIXG  HEK." 


"NEEDLES  AND  PINS  .  .  ." 

WHEN  a  man  marries  his  trouble 
begins.  If,  Sir,  you  have  been  con- 
sidering this  very  matter  and  have 
come  to  the  conclusion  (1)  that  it  is 
worth  it,  or  (2)  that  there  is  bound  to 
be  trouble  for  you  either  way  and  you 
don't  mind  which,  so  why  deny  the 
dear  girl  a  thing  she  has  so  obviously 
set  her  heart  on  ?  or  (3)  that  you  have 
said  too  much  to  withdraw,  you  will 
most  likely  have  discovered  the  fact 
that  the  centre  of  the  trouble  above 
mentioned  is  hats.  Arrived  thus  far 
correctly,  you  have  probably  jumped  to 
the  conclusion  that  the  hats  in  question 
are  hers,  and  that  your  trouble  consists 
of  so  small  a  thing  as  signing  a  cheque 
or  two.  Believe  me,  my  dear  Sir,  you 
are  wrong. 

-::-  -::•  «-  *  -::- 

"My  wife,"  I  said  to  the  man 
behind  the  counter,  "  says  that  I  have 
got  to  get  a  new  bowler.  The  dear  old 
friend,  who  has  been  through  the  thick 
and  thin  of  countless  years  with  me 
and  now  sits  lovingly  on  my  head,  is 
condemned." 

The  man  smiled,  and  asked  for 
particulars. 


"  Good  heavens !  fellow,"  said  I, 
"  what  do  I  know  about  such  things  ? 
Mary  says  I  must  have  a  new  bowler. 
Give  me  therefore  a  new  bowler." 

The  man  gave  a  cursory  glanca  at 
my  head,  as  if  it  were  so  much  solid 
matter  to  be  covered  up  and  got  rid  of 
as  soon  as  possible,  and  selected  his 
idea  of  a  new  bowler. 

"It  suits  you,  Sir,"  he  said,  as  I  put 
it  on,  "  if  I  may  say  so,  admirably." 

"  You  have  said  so,"  I  retorted,  "  but 
nevertheless  my  idea  of  a  hat  is  some- 
thing one  can  wear  and  yet  see  out  of. 
Mind  you,  I  have  never  gone  into  the 
matter  before,  as  you  have  no  doubt 
done,  but  yet  I  have  the  instinct  that 
a  hat  is  less  a  thing  for  one  to  get 
inside  than  a  thing  to  be  placed  outside 
one.  Once  there,  me  reaver,  it  should 
stay  there,  till  remove!.  With  the 
first  gust  of  wind  I  should  be  blown 
right  out  of  this." 

He  produced  a  smaller  one,  stated 
that  it  suited  me,  if  he  might  say  so, 
admirably,  compelled  me  to  buy  it,  and 
sent  me  out  of  the  shop.  Mary,  upon 
observing  me  later,  said,  "  When  are 
you  going  to  buy  a  respectable 
bowler?"  I  explained  that  I  had 
done  so  already.  She  said  she  was 


glad  to  hear  of  it,  but  would  be 
gladder  still  to  see  it.  I  called  her 
attention  to  the  top  of  my  head. 
"  That ! "  she  said  merely,  and  so  it 
came  about  that  later  I  found  myself 
again  in  the  shop,  this  time  personally 
conducted. 

Now,  the  indignity  of  this  mere 
return  was  sufficiently  uncomfortable, 
and  I  do  think  that,  considering  the 
little  trouble  and  the  large  prices  we 
men  give  at  shops  in  our  single  days, 
the  shopmen  ought  at  least  to  stand 
by  us  at  a  pinch  like  this.  This  shop- 
man in  particular  should  have  caught 
the  look  of  suffering  in  my  eye,  and 
have  used  all  the  weight  of  his  autho- 
rity and  demeanour  to  crush  Mary's 
opinions  and,  though  I  say  it  as 
should  not,  to  crush  Mary  herself. 
Instead,  he  agreed  frankly,  and  with 
a  contemptuous  look  at  me,  that  the 
hat  was  too  small. 

"Small?"  said  Mary.  "Why,  it 
looks  absurd  ?  " 

"  Absurd,  Madam,"  he  agreed  again  ; 
"  but  I  was  given  to  understand  that 
looks  did  not  matter  as  long  as  he  felt 
happy  in  the  hat." 

"  I  might  have  guessed  as  much," 
said  Mary.  It  is  to  be  observed 


rUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVABI. -SEPTEMBER  20,  1911. 


A  MATTEE  OF  DIGNITY. 

GERMAN  EAGLE  (to  French  Chanticleer).  "LOOK  HEEE,  AS  BIRD  TO   BIRD,  IF   I    COME    DOWN 
A  PERCH  OR  TWO,  WILL  YOU  PROMISE  NOT  TO  CROW  AT  ME?" 


SKPTKMHKH  20.  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THK    LONDON    < ']  I.\  II I  V  A  UI. 

I 


'2.0 


•in 


SOME    MORE   HOLIDAY    RESEMBLANCES. 

(1)  It  would  take  an  almost  perverted  ingenuity  to  detect  in  this  gentleman  any  real  likeness  to  the  Right  Hon.  HENRY  CIIAPI.IN. 
Apart  from  certain  turfy  attributes  (obviously  ]>lagiarised  Iron  the  right  lion,  gentleman's  equipment)  and  tlie  wearing  of  a  monocle.  imr 
artist  can  discover  nothing  which  could,  for  an  instant,  deceive  any  friend  of  the  great  Protectionist  Leader.  (2)  We  fiankly  admit  that  (r, 
the  untrained  eye  of  an  imperfectly-informed  observer  this  gentleman  might  easily  be  the  innocent  earsc  of  the  rumour  that  Mr.  BAI.FOI  u 
was  in  the  distriet-a  rumour  which  sent  a  wave  of  chastened  and  well-controlled  enthusiasm  through  the  local  Unionist  Association. 
(3)  No  one  that  was  not  affected  with  a  reckless  thirst  for  sensationalism  at  nil  costs  woul-1,  for  a  single  instant,  mistake  this  trivial  little 
person  for  a  Si'ENcEii-Clli'Hcilll.l,.  There  are  markedly  plebeian  traits  wlii:;h  prevent'any  well-brouglit-up  IKTSIIII  from  confusing  him  for 

(We  cannot  help  feeling  that  the  right  lion,  gentleman  lias  just  cause  to  coin]  lain  of  such  an 


a  single  moment  with  the  HOME  SECRETARY. 
inexcusable  blunder. ) 


that  I  was  referred  to  as  "he."  Indeed, 
I  was  ever  regarded  as  "  it."  For, 
when  exhausted  as  a  subject  for  adverse 
criticism,  I  was  treated  as  an  object 
for  resting  hats  on  at  various  angles. 
I  had  nothing  to  do  with  the  choice  of 
either :  if  I  evinced  any  interest  in  the 
matter  and  paused  before  a  mirror,  I 
was  ordered  sharply  to  go  and  stand  by 
the  door.  I  obeyed  orders,  and  was 
told  even  more  sharply  to  go  and  stand 
by  the  other  door.  To  the  people  in 
the  shop  I  seemed  an  idiot ;  to  the 
other  people,  who  wanted  to  come  into 
the  shop.  I  seemed  to  be  a  tiresome 
idiot,  and  for  every  hat  that  did  not 
please  the  critics  I  got  all  the  blame. 
My  head  and  the  shape  and  size  of  it 
were  an  insult  to  Mary  and  an  injury 
to  the  man  behind  the  counter.  In 
short,  that  poet,  if  he  knew  what  he 
was  talking  about  when  he  mentioned 


trouble,  spoke  with  great  moderation 
and  restraint. 

Everything  must  end,  and  a  con- 
clusion (of  the  mostuncomfortableshape 
conceivable)  was  eventually  arrived  at. 
Within  a  month,  however,  Mary  had 
taken  a  dislike  to  it.  I  called  her 
j  attention  to  the  fact  that  it  was  her 
I  own  selection.  That  might  be,  but 
Mary  could  not  go  on  loving  me  unless 
I  got  another.  1  said,  with  regret,  that 
I  should  have  then  to  dispense  with  her 
love.  That  might  be  also,  but  I  could 
not,  I  was  reminded,  live  with  comfort 
in  the  same  house  as  her  disapproval. 
I  reminded  her  again  that  the  hatj 
complained  of  was  her  choice.  She , 
had  changed  her  mind,  she  said,  and 
I  must  change  my  hat.  .  .  .  The 
process  was  much  the  same  as  before, 
only  if  possible  more  offensive. 

That   was  four   months   i\>'o.     This 


morning,  as  she  saw  me  off  to  the 
City,  she  called  me  back.  Oblivious  of 
the  past  and  optimistic  of  the  present, 
I  returned  and  kissed  her  again.  That 
was  not  what  she  wanted.  "  Stand  a 
little  way  away  from  me,"  she  said, 
"  I  want  to  look  at  you."  She  did 
look,  and  the  look  was  at  the  top  of 
my  head,  and  not  affectionate. 

If  this  matures  into  a  fourth  bowler 
hat,  I  shall  ask  with  some  confidence 
for  a  divorce. 


Answer    to    correspondent    in    the 
Amateur  Gardener : 

"  Yes,  als^i  plant  bugs,  earwigs,  wifviU,  <  t'-. '' 

All  the  same  we  don't  think  we  will. 


"At  the  foot  of  the  letter  were  a  minil-'i  of 
'crosses,'    presumably  representing   mown." 

Miiiiiii'tt- 1-  Kc.-iiimj  ''/HIM /./••. 

The  writer  presumes  too  much. 


210 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBEB  20,  1911. 


CHARIVARIA. 

"  UXUEST    IN"    PERSIA 

BLUEJACKETS  BEADY  TO  STOP  LOOTING. 

Mil  it. 


WE  are  shocked  to  think  that  they 
should  have  ever  started  it. 

The  success  oi'  the  Schoolboys' 
Strikes  must  have  surprised  the  littla 
chaps  themselves.  "  Down  with  the 
cane  !  "  they  demanded,  and  in  most 


cases  it  came   down 
than  they  expected. 


on   them   sooner 


The    Hooligan    Strikers'    motto : 
"  Leave  no   stone  un — 
turned   to  attain  your 
object."    :;.  ;;: 


It  is  again  rumoured 
that  non-unionist  work- 
men are  thinking  of 
forming  a  union  with 
the  view  of  protecting! 
their  interests. 


an  attack  on  Mr.  WILL  CEOOKS,  the 
latter  only  said  to  himself,  "  Poor  old 
Bill!"  It  is  pleasant  to  learn  that  he 
is  on  sufficiently  good  terms  with  him- 
self to  address  himself  by  his  pet  name. 

The  mover  of  the  vote  of  thanks  to 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE,  for  opening  a 
bazaar  at  Menai  Bridge,  is  thus  re- 
ported : — "  I  have  my  own  belief  that 
the  first  person  to  'discover'  Mr.  LLOYD 
GEORGE  must  have  been  the  girl  who, 
in  spite  of  everything,  was  determined 
to  get  married  to  him."  Ministers  stand 
to  be  shot  at  even  by  their  best  friends. 


And  when  the  same  delegates  made       The  infant  Emperor  of  CHINA  began 


his  education  one  day  last  week.  To 
honour  the  occasion,  that  day  was  made 
a  holiday  in  all  the  schools  throughout 
the  Empire.  Under  the  circumstances, 
it  must  have  been  peculiarly  bitter  for 
the  little  man  to  sib  working  all  by 
hirnsslf — unless,  of  course,  he  struck. 

Schoolmasters  are  a  very  modest  and 
unassuming  class.  One  of  them,  only 
the  other  day  in  the  Morning  Post, 
advertised  a  vacancy  in  his  school 
"owing  to  an  unexpected  success." 


The   staff 


An    expedition    has! 
left  London  for  Good-  j 
enough     Island,    near! 
British  New  Guinea,  to 
study  the  customs   of 
the   natives,    who    are 
cannibals.     It  is  hoped  ( 
to   discover  a   remedy 
for  cannibal  bite. 

According  to  a  Local 
Government  Board1 
Eeport,  fifteen  centen- 
arians have  died  during' 
the  year  in  Irish  work- ! 
bouses.   There  must  be 
something  insanitary 

about  these  institutions. 
*  * 

The  Express  has  been  I 
asking:  "What  do  men - 


"Miss.  HODGE!  WHAT  is  THIS  PANDE- 


Distracted  Author  (seeking  peace  in  Sussex). 
MONIUM?" 

Fari> 


of  the  Greenwich  Ob- 
ssrvatory  is  taking  a 
census  of  the  stars.  It 
is  to  be  hoped  that  even 
the  oldest  of  them  will, 
in  the  interests  of 
statistics,  be  perfectly 
honest  in  declaring  its 
age.  *  * 

An  American  mil- 
lionaire has  made  public 
his  desire  to  find  a  wife 
who  will  love  him  for 
himself  alone.  He  has 
in  consequence  received 
6,242  proposals.  His 
obvious  course  now  is 
to  give  away  his  for- 
tune among  6,241  of 
the  applicants  as  con- 
solation prizes,  and 
then  to  give  himself  to 
the  lucky  remainder. 

In  the  new  autumn 
drama  at  Drury  Lane 
there  is  a  real  race,  in 
which  a  horse  named 
The  Hope  is  scheduled 
win  every  night. 


admire  in  women's  dress?"    Not  infre- 
quently, we  believe,  it  is  the  woman. 

=:= ,  * 

Portugal,  though  much  changed,  has 
been  recognized  at  last. 

The   Cologne   Gazette  of   September 
.2th  puts  all  the  blame   on  England 
or  unduly   protracting,   for   her  own 
>enefit,  negotiations  between  Germany 
and    France.     If    the  parties ,  to   the 
dispute  will    call    in    person    at    the 


Wife.  "On,  THEY'RE  ONLY  PUTTIN'  A  TIN  HOOF  ON  THE  'EX-HOUSE,    j.o 
A  LONDON  GENT  WE  THOUGHT  THE  SOUND   MIGHT   ; 

Here  is  an  opportunity 

for   betting   men    to 


Office,  they  will  be  given  Our 
racious  Permit  to  get  Done  with  It. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me,"  cried 
Mr.  WILL  THOBNE  to  the  delegates  at 
he  Trades  Union  Congress,  "  that  we 
an't  control  our  Army  and  Navy 
letter  than  the  cads  who  now  handle 
)ur  men  ?  "  They  did. 


There  has  been  a  flood  of  treacle  in 
New  Orleans,  by  which  many  people 
were  swept  off  their  feet  and  very  nearly 
drowned.  The  cry  of  encouragement 
from  the  bystanders,  "  Stick  to  it !  " 
was  considered  by  a  struggling  victim 
to  be  in  the  worst  taste. 

SABHAB  AESHAD,  in  reply  to  a  question 
regarding  the  transport  of  his  cannons 
through  Eussia,  stated  that  they  passed 
through  the  Customs  labelled  "  Mineral 
Water ; '.'.  a  little  jest  ("  Pop !  " — you 
see-?)  which  reflects  infinite  credit  on 
all  who  took  part  in  it. 

A  Blackburn  ratepayer  complains  of 
the  arrival  in  his  water-tap  of  "a  serpent 
with  about  a  thousand  legs."  Serpents 
can  never  hit  off  the  happy  mean :  either 
they  have  too  many  legs  or  none  at  all. 


recoup  their  season's  losses  on  the  Turf. 

* .  * 

An  English  waiter  was  discovered, 
the  other  day,  in  a  state  of  exhaustion 
at  Calais,  having  rowed  himself  across 
from  Deal  in  a  skiff.  It  is 'supposed 
that  the  obliging  fellow  had,  to  satisfy 
an  exacting  customer,  gone  to  fetch  the 
French  mustard. 

The  LOBD  MAYOB  and  his  party, 
having  banqueted  in  the  great  Festival 
Hall  of  the  Bathaus,  declare  that 
Viennese  organization  is  admirable. 
We  have  no  hesitation  in  characterizing 
this  criticism  as  expert. 

The  prevalent  unrest  has  now  spread 
to  MOUNT  ETNA,  but  the  exact  nature 
of  the  grievance  in  this  quarter  is  not 
known. 


SEPTEMBER  20.  1911.]  PUNCH.    OR    THE    LONDON    CJIAK1  V.\  UI. 

(7  -      :  ' ' 

j  j       ,         .  -  ^ 


.  "STEADY,  HAN,  TE'VE  HOOKIT  ME!" 
AiujU'r.  "I  DIDN'T  SEE  YOU  RISE,  DOXAI.D.     WHAT  FI.Y  DID  YOU  TAKE!" 


GARDENING  NOTES. 
[With  the  usual  acknowledgments.] 
SEPTEMBER,  so  called  because  it   is 
the  ninth  month  of  the  year,  occupies 
a  unique  position  in  the  calendar,  from 
the  fact  that  it  stands  midway,  so  to 
speak,  between  genial  August  and  the 
more  boisterous  October. 

New  bedding  operations  must  now 
be  put  in  hand,  so  as  to  be  ready  for 
the  activities  of  autumn.  E"very 
amateur  gardener  has  his  own  method 
of  procedure  in  this  respect,  to  which 
his  neighbours  will,  perhaps  rightly, 
attach  no  exaggerated  value,  remember- 
ing the  old  saw,  "  As  you  make  your 
bed,  so  shall  you  lie  about  it."  For 
myself  I  am  inclined  to  recommend  a 
mixture  of  caviare,  brick-dust,  and 
finely  chopped  leaf-mould  as  being 
best  for  all  practical  purposes.  Many 
amateurs,  however,  stick  to  clay ;  and 
vice-vend. 

The  long  drought  having  come 
to  a  welcome  termination,  artificial 
moistening  need  no  longer  be  resorted 
to,  save  in  the  case  of  plants  in  pots, 
and  jobbing-gardeners.  Both  these 
latter  will  require  constant  attention, 
if  the  best  results  are  to  be  obtained. 
Apples  and  blackberries  are  now  ripe 
for  preserving.  The  best  method  of 


preserving  both  is  to  enclose  them  in 
barbed  wire. 

Many  readers  in  country  districts 
have  written  complaining  of  the  ravages 
inflicted  upon  their  gardens  by  the  at- 
tacks of  green-fly,  and  asking  for  my 
advice.  It  is  unfortunately  difficult  to 
know  what  to  counsel  them,  as  against 
green-fly  the  ordinary  house-dog  has 
been  found  practically  useless,  nor  do  I 
know  that  any  really  reliable  trap  is  at 
present  on  the  market.  My  own  method, 
in  the  case  of  Voses,  is  to  pull  the  bush 
up  by  the  roots  and  burn  it ;  but  this, 
of  course,  requires  patience,  and  is  apt 
to  retard  the  blooms  in  the  following 
season.  The  whole  question  is  full  of 
difficulty. 

How  foolish  are  those  short-sighted 
observers  who  speak  of  September  as  j 
a  dull  month,  wanting  in  horticultural  \ 
colour  and  variety.     Could  anything  be 
Further  from  the  truth  ?    What  garden, 
iiowever  humble,  but  can  boast  at  this 
season  of  its  wasps,  their  yellow  gleam 
mparting  animation   to    all    around  ? 
And    as    for    variety,    how    often    in 
suburban  plots,  which  have   been  left 
untenanted    during    the   visit    of    the 
'amily   to  the   S2aside,   is  the  eye   ofj 
;he  returning  owner  surprised  by  the 
soft    flush    of    the  wild    brickbat,   or 
;he  gayer    green   of    the   small   Bass, 


peering  at  him  from  the  most  unex- 
pected places?  Fungi  also,  in  every 
variety,  may  be  found  blazoning  the 
cellar  stairs,  and  even  the  inside  of  the 
drawing-room  piano,  with  their  wealth 
of  colour.  Who  after  this  would  be  so 
|  ungrateful  as  to  call  September  dull  ? 

No,  when  I  consider  the  many  natural 
advantages   of    September,   its    genial 
!  days  and   its  nights  lit  by    the  calm 
•  effulgence  of  the  moon  (that  luminary 
whose  rays   were   erstwhile  supposed 
inimical  to  human  reason — hence  the 
|  old   saying  "a  balmy  night")   I   am 
j  driven    irresistibly   to    the    reflection : 
"  What  on  earth  shall  I  find  to  write 
about  October?  "    But  courage,  reader. 
I  shall  not  be  found  wanting,  even  if 
you  are. 

"Mr.  Justice  Stephen:  Why  I  I  object  to 
the  form  of  the  question. 

Mr.  Avotiou  ?  I  wish  you  lordship  would 
make  a  note  of  the  objectin. 

Mr.  Justice  Stephen — No. 

Mr.  Avortion.  I  recent  it  will  the  greatest 
respect,  my  lord. 

Mr.  Justice  Stephen — If  you  vesent  it  you 
can  have  rewards  in  other  day  but  you  must 
not  speak  to  the  court  that  why. 

Mr.  Avertion  :  My  lord  no  other  Judge  speak 
to  me  like  this." — Calcutta  Emjrirc. 

But  then  he  must  try  and  remember 
that  no  other  advocate  spells  his  name 
quite  so  variously. 


212 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.        ^[SEPTEMBER  20^1911. 


TANNED. 

SIR,  the  rich  colour  that  you  rightly  praise 

On  cheek  and  brow  was  dyed  by  sunny  days ; 

Yet,  as  I  draw  my  trouser  up,  you  see 

The  milk-white  tint  that  marks  my  shapely  kneo ; 

No  kilt,  in  fact,  as  sure  as  eggs  are  eggs, 

Has  flapped  and  swayed  about  my  Southern  legs. 

No,  nor  in  knickerbockers  have  I  strayed 

From  hill  to  hill,  from  purple  glade  to  glade. 

For  me  no  Sandy,  short  in  speech  and  dour, 

Has  sent  the  setters  ranging  o'er  the  moor; 

I  did  not  drain  the  mountain-dew  or  turn 

Aside  to  dabble  in  the  tinkling  burn, 

Blending  in  mixture  due,  as  wise  men  will, 

The  fiery  spirit  with  the  icy  rill. 

No  grouse,  arriving  from  the  deuce  knows  where, 

Has  fanned  for  mo  the  ambient  upper  air 

And  passed  unscathed  and  doomed  me  to  despair — 

No  joys  like  these  to  ma  the  Fates  decreed, 

To  me  who  have  not  crossed  or  neared  the  Tweed. 

Nor  have  I  crouched,  with  every  nerve  on  edge, 
Alert  behind  some  bristling  Norfolk  hedge  ; 
While  far  in  front  the  drivers'  call  rang  clear, 
A  note  of  warning  to  my  straining  ear, 
And,  rising  from  the  roots,  the  covey  came 
Adown  the  wind  like  streaks  of  living  flame. 
Often  escaping  from  the  line  of  wrath 
The  flaring  birds  pursued  their  shot-chased  palli, 
Though  some  were  lelt  who  had  not  wished  to  slaj. 
Inert  in  death — but  I  was  far  away. 

No,  Sir,  this  colour  that  bedecks  my  face 

Was  spread  by  Nature  in  a  simpler  place. 

Where  the  fair  Solent  laps  upon  the  sands 

In  Totland  Bay  her  airy  paint-box  stands. 

There  by  sheer  indolence  an  earnest  man 

May  win  at  ease  his  favourite  coat  of  tan : 

Upon  his  back  he  lies  and  dreams  his  best, 

And,  while  he  dreams,  the  sun  achieves  the  rest ; 

Then,  waking  up,  he  plunges  in  the  tide, 

And  cleaves  the  wavelets  on  his  breast  or  side, 

And,  still  intent  on  brownness  to  the  last, 

Darkens  the  tint  and  makes  the  colour  fast.      E.  C.  L. 


SPECIAL  POSTS. 

ACTIVE  rehearsals  are,  we  understand,  already  in  progress 
for  the  inauguration  of  the  Special  Submarine  Post  between 
Orkney  and  Shetland  which  is  to  begin  operations  on 
the  17th  of  next  month,  and  will  thereafter  maintain  a 
regular  daily  service.  This  first  submarine  post  has  been 
established  by  some  prominent  members  of  the  Navy 
League  to  mark  the  year  of  the  signing  of  the  Declaration 
of  London.  Letters,  which  must  bear  a  special  stamp, 
may  be  posted  in  any  public-house  in  the  City.  They 
will  be  conveyed  by  the  usual  channels  to  Lerwick, 
thence  by  submarine  to  Kirkwall,  after  which  they  will 
return  to  the  London  General  Post-Office  for  despatch 
to  their  ultimate  destination.  It  is  hoped  that  these 
special  facilities  will  appeal  to  business  men.  Any  profits 
that  may  accrue  are  to  be  devoted  to  charities  selected  by 
the  FIRST  LOKD  OF  THE  ADMIRALTY. 

We  have  been  asked  to  clear  up  some  misapprehensions 
which  have  arisen  with  regard  to  the  new  Underground 
Post  between  Widnes  and  Paisley.  The  delay  which  has 
occurred  in  some  cases  in  the  delivery  of  letters  is  due,  we 
understand,  to  the  long  drought,  which  has  rendered  the 
ground  so  hard  that  burrowing  has  been  conducted  under 


most  disheartening  circumstances.  Letters,  which  must 
bear  a  special  stamp,  may  b3  posted  in  the  official  boxes 
which  will  be  found  in  the  leading  suburban  boot-shops. 
The  address  must  be  type-written  in  red  ink  on  both  sides. 
It  may  not  bo  generally  known  that  this  first  under- 
ground post  has  been  inaugurated  to  celebrate  the  year 
of  the  passing  of  the  Veto  Bill.  The  proceeds  are  to  be 
devoted  to  charities  selected  by  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE 
EXCHEQUER. 

Much  interest  has  been  aroused  by  the  announcement 
of  a  New  Water  Post,  from  Dover  to  Calais,  which  will 
be  opened  in  the  course  of  a  few  weeks,  by  way  of  cele- 
brating the  magnificent  performance  of  BURGESS  in  swim- 
ming the  Channel.  BURGESS,  himself,  HOLBEIN,  WOLFFE 
and  other  prominent  swimmers  have  already  been  engaged 
to  undertake  the  duty  of  conveying  the  letters,  which 
must  be  posted  in  the  Albert  Memorial.  Any  profit  that 
may  result  will,  we  understand,  be  devoted  to  charities 
selected  by  the  President  of  the  French  Republic.  As 
only  one  letter  can  be  conveyed  at  a  time — in  the  mouth 
— the  cost  of  the  special  stamps  for  this  service  will  be 
one  hundred  guineas.  These  stamps,  which  are  made 
of  a  preparation  of  rubber  and  asbestos,  must  be  firmly 
affixed  by  a  safety-pin.  Only  letters  contained  in  the 
official  aquascutum  envelopes  will  be  accepted  for  trans- 
mission. The  envelopes  will  be  on  sale  next  week  at  the 
Eustace  Miles  Restaurant. 


BLESSING  THEIR  BUTTONS. 

[l:  According  to  the   Autumn  modes,    the  front  fastening  Is  to  l)t 
applied  to  gowns  and  blouses." — Fashion  Column.] 

FROM  the  radiant  South  to  the  niggardly  North, 

The  fiat  of  fashion  is  heralded  forth, 

In  language  imperious,  rigid  and  blunt : — 

"  All  frocks  for  the  future  must  fasten  in  front." 

Do  you  hear  it,  poor  damsel,  with  nerves  on  the  rack, 
As  you  struggle  to  button  your  blouse  at  the  back  ? 
No  more  need  you  writhe  and  make  faces  and  grunt, 
Since  frocks  for  the  future  will  fasten  in  front. 

Do  you  hear  it,  meek  man,  as  with  conjugal  zest 
You  fasten  the  gown  of  your  spouse,  by  request  ? 
No  more  for  those  hooks  need  you  fumble  and  hunt, 
Since  frocks  for  the  future  will  fasten  in  front. 

Do  you  hear  it,  blue-stocking,  whose  absence  of  mind 
Results  in  a  gap  in  your  bodice  behind  ? 
No  more  of  sly  jests  you  '11  be  bearing  the  brunt, 
Since  frocks  for  the  future  will  fasten  in  front. 

Like  the  musical  breath  of  a  breeze  passing  by 
Sounds  the  sibilant  sough  of  the  satisfied  sigh 
Of  the  portly,  the  slender,  the  tall  and  the  stunt 
Now  their  frocks  for  the  future  will  fasten  in  front. 


Modesty. 

"Funs. — Actress  has  her  Set  of  Real  Black  Skins,  large  Stole  r.ml 
huge  Pillow  Mult';  worth  20  guineas;  will  sacrifice  for  3Js.  ;  going  to 
India  (not  needed)." — Advt.  in  "Hull  Uaily  A'cws." 

But  no  doubt  she  will  be  made  very  welcome. 


"Girgenti  is  doing  good  work  as  a  farm  home  fur  lads  who  would 
otherwise  develop  into  hooligans.  The  company  which  inspected  it  on 
Saturday  was  informed  that  of  325  lads  who  had  passed  through  it 
only  13  had  been  pushed  for  misbehaviour." — Glasymr  Evening  News. 

Policeman  (to  hooligan) :  Leave  off  this  instant,  Walter, 
or  I  shall  give  you  a  good  push. 


1911.]         PUNCH,    OR   THK   LONDON   CHAUIVARI. 


Clerk  to  Office  Hoy  (after  Ktnior  Partner  liat  told  poor  joke).   "Wiiv  IKIX'T  Yor  I.AUCH  TOO?" 
Office.  Buy.   "I  DON'T  NEED  TO  ;  I'M  I.EAVIXX;  ox  SATI-I-.DAY." 


MEMOIRS    OF  A   MILLIONAIEE. 

THE  announcement  that  a  biography 
of  Mr.  J.  PIERPONT  MORGAN,  the  re- 
doubtable American  financier,  is  shortly 
about  to  appear  has  given  rise  to 
pleasurable  anticipations  on  botli  sides 
of  the  Atlantic.  Without  wishing  to 
discount  the  joys  of  perusal  Mr.  Punch 
is  in  the  fortunate  position  of  being 
able  to  give  a  brief  synopsis  of  the  early 
chapters  of  what  promises  to  be  the 
most  thrilling  product  of  the  autumn 
publishing  season. 

ORIGIN  AND  PEDIGREE. 

Mr.  MORGAN,  it  is  as  well  to  state  at 
once,  comes  of  an  ancient  and  historic 
line,  being  descended  from  the  famous 
hero  Morgante  Maggiore  celebrated  in 
PULCI'S  romantic  poem.  This  illustrious 
giant  who,  it  will  bo  remembered,  was 
j  converted  to  Christianity  by  Orlando 
and  acquired  great  renown  for  his 
generosity,  died  suddenly  of  the  bite 
of  a  crab  "  as  if " — in  the  words  of 
WHEELER — "  to  show  on  what  trivial 
chances  depends  the  life  of  the 
strongest."  To  this  day  crab  is  taboo 
at  the  table  of  the  MORGAN  family. 
Another  illustrious  forebear  of  the 


famous  financier  was  Fata  Morgana, 
alias  Morgan  le  Fay,  who  laid  the 
foundations  of  the  fortunes  of  the 
house  and  inhabited  a  splendid  mansion 
at  the  bottom  of  a  lake  crowded  with 
art  treasures,  many  of  which  are  now 
in  the  possession  of  her  descendant, 
who  claims  kinship  with  RAPHAEL 
MORGHEN,  the  engraver ;  HENRY 
MORGAN,  the  King  of  Buccaneers ; 
and  AUGUSTUS  DE  MORGAN,  the  famous 
mathematician,  from  whom  Mr.  J.  P. 
MORGAN  learned  his  first  lessons  in  the 
multiplication  table. 

His  father,  JULIUS  MORGAN,  traced  his 
descent  on  the  maternal  side  from  the 
conqueror  of  Gaul,  whose  Commentaries 
form  the  favourite  reading  of  his  son. 
The  latter's  Caesarian  lineaments  have 
often  been  noticed  by  expert  physiogno- 
mists. 

EARLY  LIFE  AND  STRUGGLES. 

Mr.  PIERPONT  MORGAN,  who  was 
born  at  the  Golden  Gate  in  1837, 
started  life  under  most  unfavourable 
auspices.  Most  millionaires  have  begun 
with  half-a-crown,  but  he  had  several. 
Others  have  begun  by  splitting  rails, 
but  he  devoted  his  energies  to  the  much 
more  arduous  task  of  amalgamating 


'  them.  Prosperity  is  generally  associated 
with  an  avoidance  of  the  "demnition 
bow-wows,"  but  Mr.  MORGAN  is  an 
inveterate  dog-fancier.  And,  lastly, 
undeterred  by  the  warning  enshrined 
in  a  famous  poem,  he  completed  his 
education  at  the  Universityof  Gottingen. 
Yet,  in  spite  of  all  these  handicaps,  he 
made  his  way  rapidly  to  the  front  and 
now  possesses  two  houses  in  England 
and  one  in  New  York. 

We  may  close  this  imperfect  sketch 
of  the  opening  chapters  of  this  fascin- 
ating volume  with  an  answer  recently 
inscribed  in  an  album  of  "Pet  Aver- 
sions "  by  Mr.  MORGAN  :— 

If  you  were  not  yourself,  who  would 
you  least  like  to  be?  Ans.  Mr. 
ANDREW  CARNKGIE. 

(To  be  discontinued  in  onr  next.) 

University   Intelligence. 

"C'astuliti  passed   '•Smalls'  for  Liverpool." 

Ma, 

From  an  advt.  of  The  Life  Ever- 
lasting : 

"The  demand  is  enormous,  and  the  Fir-it 
Kilitiim,  though  of  very  gn>»t size,  isenorinmw." 

There   is    always    something   striking 
about  Miss  MARIE  CORELLI'B  books. 


214 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  20,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
MB.  GEORGE  A.  BIRMINGHAM  is  a  writer  to  whom  I  owe 
a  great  and  cheerfully-acknowleged  debt  of  gratitude  for 
much  past  merriment ;  but  I  hope  he  will  not  mind  my 
saying  that  there   are  parts  of  his  latest  story,  Lalage's 
Lovers  (METHUEN),  which  I  consider  to  have  written  off 
some  at  least  of  my  obligation.      Perhaps  I  was  not  in 
the  mood ;   perhaps   I  was  disappointed   at  finding  that, 
though  the  scsue  of  the  tale  is  laid  in  Ireland,  the  village 
folk  who  have  so  often  delighted  me  before  were  absent. 
Wliatever  the  reason,  something  did  disappoint  me  woe- 
fully,  and   that,   too,   despite   all   the   charms   of  Lalage 
herself,    a    sufficiently    attractive    though    scatter-brained 
young  person.     I  liked  her  best,  I  think,  as  a  hoydenish 
flapper,  founder  of  the  great  "  Anti-Tommy-Eot-Society  " 
(subssquently    merged 
into  the   "  Association 
for  the  Suppression  of 
Public     Lying ")    and 
reminiscent    in    many 
ways  of  my  old  friend 
the    heroine    of    The 
Major's  Niece.   Both  at 
this  stage  and  in  the  un- 
conventional   proposal 
scene    that    ends    the 
book,    Lalage    was 
wholly  delightful ;   but 
her  companions  seemed 
to  me  mostly  puppets 
whose  vagaries  lacked 
the  vitality  with  which 
Mr.    BIRMINGHAM   can 
generally     infuse      his 
most     farcical    antics. 
There  are  one  or  two 
evidences,    however, 
that  make  me  think  a 
great  part  of  Lalage's 
history  may  be  founded 
on  actual  events,  which 
of    course    would    ac- 
count   for    its    air    of 
laboured     unreality. 
Next  time  I  hope  Mr. 

BIRMINGHAM    will    be  

content  to  rely  upon  his  excellent  imagination. 

Queed,  by  Mr.  HENRY  SYDNOB  HARRISON  (CONSTABLE),  is 
not  a  poisonous  herb,  but  the  surname  of  a  sort  of  a  man. 
In  choosing  so  relentless  a  title  it  would  seem  that  the 
author  wanted  to  make  it  clear  from  the  first  that  it  was 
no  part  of  his  design  to  woo  your  senses  with  the  charm  of 
sweet  sounds.  The  anomalous  idea  of  a  savant  absorbed 
in  a  magnum  opus  on  JAltruisra  without  ever  having  done 
an  unselfish  action  in  his  life  is  perhaps  not  so  very  novel. 
But  Queed  is  no  ordinary  prig.  Brought  up  without  other 
human  ties  than  those  which  bound  him  to  a  foster-parent 
m  the  person  of  a  New  York  policeman  of  Hibernian 
extraction;  without  education  save  of  his  own  getting- 
frankly  unconcerned  about  the  necessity  of  paying  his 
way— we  find  him  in  the  early  stages  of  manhood  already 
halfway  through  his  monumental  work,  composed  in  the 

genial  atmosphere  of  a  middle-class  Virginian  boarding- 

Of  his  gradual  evolution— physical,  social  and  spiritual— 
)  a  point  where  nothing  recognisatb  is  left  of  his  former 


character  except  his  courage  and  gaucherie,  alike  indomit- 
able, the  story  is  here  told  with  an  unadorned  sincerity 
which  makes  amends  for  the  absence  of  many  more  cheaply 
attractive  qualities.  To  literary  graces  Mr.  HARRISON 
makes  no  pretence,  and  what  plot  he  employs  is  only 
designed  perfunctorily  for  the  better  illustration  of  his 
hero's  strength  of  character.  Thus,  the  identification  of 
his  villainous  parent  in  the  harmless  pedagogue  \vlio 
shared  his  boarding-house  can  be  foreseen  whole  leagues 
away.  It  is  in  the  author's  fidelity  to  detail  that  the 
attraction  of  his  book  is  found.  True,  one  might  doubt 
whether  a  man  like  Queed,  so  ignorant  of  his  fellow- 
creatures,  could  ever  have  been  fitted  to  control  a  great 
newspaper.  But  things  may  be  different  in  Eichmond 
(Va.) ;  and,  anyhow,  no  link  in  the  chain  of  argument 
is  shirked. 

A  certain  note  of  provincialism  in  the  writer  gives  reality 

— ,  to  his  treatment  of  a 
provincial  theme;  he  is, 
for  instance,  clearly  un- 
conscious of  the  rather 
second-rate  quality  of 
his  women-folk  when 
he  shows  them  dressed 
in  their  best  frocks  and 
out  for  conquest.  The 
repellent  material  out 
of  which  Ii3  develops 
his  admirable  hero  in- 
vites comparison  with 
Miss  MAY  SINCLAIR'S 
masterpiece,  The  Divine 
Fire  ;  but  the  compari- 
son must  be  unfavour- 
able to  Mr.  HARRISON, 
whose  book  lacks  the 
colour  of  high  romance 
and  imagination.  But, 
as  a  faithful  study  of 
the  not  very  picturesque 
milieu  which  he  sets  out 
to  portray,  it  has  quali- 
ties too  fine  and  brave 
to  be  ignored. 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 
VIII.— A  MASTER   OF  TRINITY  HOUSE  SUPERINTENDING  THE  BUILDING   OF  A 

LIGHTHOUSE. 


Just  why  Mr.  S.  E. 
CROCKETT  named  his 
novel  The  Lady  of  the 

Hundred  Dresses  (NASH)  I  cannot  imagine,  for  the  real 
heroine  of  the  story  had  a  very  limited  wardrobe.  At  first 
I  thought  (and  hoped)  that  the  author  was  going  to  thrill 
me  with  robberies  and  deeds  of  violence.  But,  although  a 
rather  dashing  jewel-thief  turned  up  at  various  opportune 
moments  and  killed  a  few  people,  both  he — and  all  the 
other  characters — were  gradually  pushed  to  the  back  of 
the  stage  by  Miss  Allison  (from  Dunfermline),  who  is 
described  with  recognisable  accuracy  as  a  "perfectly 
adequate  young  female."  On  the  penultimate  page  of 
the  book  we  read,  "And  if  her  adventures  and  daring 
speech  be  as  much  tasted  by  the  public  as  by  the  present 
chronicler,  he  will  set  them  forth  more  at  length." 
So  those^who  have  a  liking  for  "perfectly  adequate  young 
females"  may  live  in  the  hope  of  hearing  more  of  Miss 
Allison.  For  my  own  part,  however,  I  am  prepared  to 
wish  her  a  solemn  farewell;  indeed,  I  think  that  Mr. 
CROCKETT  would  have  written  an  infinitely  more  intriguing 
book  if  he  had  allowed  the  murderous  jewel-thief  to 
dispose  of  this  lassie  before  she  had  got  thoroughly  set 
and  going. 


SK.-TEMBEB  27,  1911.1  PUNCH.    <>R    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


•2ir> 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  War  Office  has  always  dis- 
couraged originality.  Candidates  for 
Woolwich  and  Sandhurst  are  now  in- 
formed that  marks  will  he  deducted 
in  future  for  all  words  which  arc  not 
<<pe'.t  conventionally. 
'','  '•'.• 

There  is  to  be  an  increase  in  the 
Police  rate.  Lighter  boots,  we  presume. 

A  statue  of  the  KAISER  wearing  a 
periwig,  with  the  arms  and  dress  of  a 
Eoman  warrior,  will  shortly  be  placed 
in  the  ssssion  room  of  the  Berlin  Aca- 
demy of  Arts.  We  are  glad  to  hear 
that  the  sculptor  responsible  for  the 
revival  of  this  absurd  fashion  is  SCHOTT. 


One  of  its  correspondents  writes  to 
protest  against  the  con- 
stant attacks  made  by 
The  Daily  Mail  on  "the 
authorities  responsible 
for  the  weather."  Is  it 
not  rather  the  fact  that 
our  contemporary  real- 
ises its  own  responsi- 
bility in  this,  as  in  all 
other  matters,  and  is 
endeavouring  to  apolo- 
gise for  the  effects  of 
the  exceptional  summer 
which  it  promoted? 


Herr  MAXIMILIAN 
HARDEN  protests  that 
the  "  international  im- 
pertinence of  England 
should  not  be  swal- 
lowed by  Germany 
without  a  murmur." 
So  much  for  the  mur- 
mur: now  let  the  swallowing  be  pro 
ceeded  with.  ...  .,, 


stitute  for  such  offenders  as  find  it 
inconvenient  to  do  their  own  time.  II. 
informed  a  Recorder  that  he  liked  the 
life,  and  the  Recorder  told  him  that  he 
deserved  to  be  severely  punished.  Quite 
so;  but  how  ? 

The  Manx  officials  boast  of  the 
irresistible  attractions  of  their  island, 
and  adduce  as  evidence  the  fact  that 
458,329  people  have  come  to  it  between 
May  and  August  last.  No  doubt ;  but 
they  omit  to  mention  that  458,329 
people  have  come  away  from  it. 

The  opinions  expressed  in  the  news 
columns  of  the  daily  papers  as  to  the 
merits  of  the  various  polishes  and 
foodstuffs  on  view  at  the  Grocers' 
Exhibition,  are  by  a  happy  coin- 
cidence confirmed  in  the  advertise-  j 


KINGS  AND  CUBBING. 
THKY  built  rosy  castles, 

And  big,  winged  bulls, 
And  red-robed  wizards 

Worked  miracles. 
When  the  kings  rode  hunting 

With  spear  and  with  bow 
Down  the  road  to  Nineveh 

A  long  time  ago  ! 

They  sat  on  their  saddles 

As  good  men  sit, 
Long  in  the  stirrup, 

Light  on  the  bit, 
Their  proud  lips  a-curling, 

Their  crimped  beards  just  so, 
Down  the  road  to  Nineveh 

A  long  time  ago  I 

And  what  did  they  ride  for? 
Well,  I  confess 

I  should   have  funked 

it- 
Lions  ! 
The   big 


TAXI-BOATS. 


PROPOSITION. 


TllE     ATTENTION     OF    THE    PASSENGERS     IS    SO    MUCH   AIlsoKl'.KH    WITH   WATCHING 
THE  EliiHTPENCES   MOUNTING   UP  THAT  THEY  FORGET  TO   BE  SEA-SICK. 


meuts  of  their  several  manufacturers 
appearing  in  the  same  papers. 


Nothing  is  definitely  known,  at  the  A  report  of  the  Hawke-Olympic  col- 
moment  of  going  to  press,  of  the  lision  states  that  the  liner  is  left  with 
progress  of  the  "conversations,"  except  i  a  hole  in  her  side  through  whicli  a 
that  they  are  following  exactly  the  j  horse  and  cart  could  be  driven.  This, 
lines  anticipated  by  every  single  foreign  however,  for  reasons  best  known  to  the 
correspondent  of  our  morning  papers,  authorities,  has  not  yet  been  done. 


Concerning  Antemia  is  the  headline 
of  a  current  advertisement,  and  not  the 
title  of  the  latest  romantic  novel. 

The  PRINCESS  LUISA  OF  TUSCANY, 
in  her  published  autobiography,  nar- 
rates how  by  one  quiet  remark  she 
reduced  a  rudely  defiant  ruffian  of  a 
Socialist  to  tears  and  lifelong  devotion 
These  rudely  defiant  ruffians  are  the 
same  all  the  book-world  over. 

"'*"" 

A  man  of  the  name  of  LEARY,  having 
no  engagements,  has  expressed  his 
readiness  to  go  to  gaol  as  a  sub- 


Soma  people,   by   the   way,   in   the 
reaction    after   the   shock   of   such    a 
collision,  would  have  had  recourse  to  : 
stimulants.     Not  so  Mr.  FRANK  MUN- 
SEY.     "  Almost  the  first  person  I  saw,"  : 
says   The  Daily  Mail  correspondent,  j 
"  was  Mr.  Frank  Muns9y,  the  head  of  i 
Munsey's   Magazine,  who  gave   me  a  | 
clear  and  most  coherent  account  of  the  | 
scene  on  board." 


no  less ! 

, ,    block  -  maned 
beauties 
That  prowled  to  an;l 

fro 

Down  the  road  to  Nine- 
veh 
A  long  time  ago ! 

For    why    should    wo 

doubt  it  ? 

Still  does  each  chief 
Fill  them  with  arrows — 

In  bas-relief. 
And    fine    rough-and- 
tumbles 
The    grim    carvings 

show 

Down  the  road  to  Nine- 
veil 
A  long  time  ago ! 

Then  hear  us,  O  NIHBOD, 

That  we  may  find 
Heart  such  as  theirs  was 

(Jumps  still  are  blind) ; 
Send  cubs  bold  as  lions, 

The  sort  they  laid  low 
Down  the  road  to  Nineveh 

A  long  time  ago ! 

"  I  strayed  into  the  Presbyterian  Churchyard, 
and  was  pleased  to  find  the  names  of  niiny 
Aberdeen  j>eoj>!c  insn  il>.->l  there." 

Ab-nleen  £rrni»g  fJaxttf. 

If  this  hod  been  said  by  an  English- 
man there  would  have  baen  trouble. 


"After  dinner  Violet  sang  in  a  warm  velvet 
contralto." — London  Muga-iue. 

At   any  but   the   most  formal   dinner 
parties  these  look  very  smart. 


The  Daily  Chronicle,  putting  as  good 
a  face  as  it  can  on  the  Canadian  elec- 
tions, says:  "The  Imperial  Union 
is  too  firmly  established  to  ba  affected 
by  any  change  of  Government  in 
Canada."  So  one  mi^ht  say  that  Free 
Trade  was  too  firmly  established  in 
England  to  be  affected  by  the  sweep- 
ing  Liberal  victory  of  1906. 


210 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.         [SEPTEMBER  27,  1011. 


BRAINS    ON    THE    WATER. 

I  Mr   T    \V    ISriHiKss.  who  ivrrntly  swain   lor  si*  hours  in  at. •ml;   r.l 

the  Stadium    toM  a  reporter  that  in  a  way  the  feat  was  M  difficult  as 

.,"  ".I      "'cLum-l.    "There  was*,  little  tg  think  about,     -  «,.»- 

i,l.,i,,,,i;   "whilst  in  the  Channel  there  was  always  something  to  keq- 

your  thoughts  busy."] 

WHAT  did  you  think  of,  WILLIAM  Bruciuss, 

When  you  dared  the  drift  of  the  Channel  tide, 
When  you  broke  the  billows  and  boshed  the  surges 

With  arms  flung  wide? 

When  the  hovering  sea-mew  gaped  and  wondered, 
And  the  porpoise  stared  with  his  thick  lips  sur Jered, 
And  the  plaice  .and  the  whiting  sang  soft  dirges, 
And  the  sole  said,  "  Well,  I  'm  fried !  "  ? 

Did  you  think  how  under  the  dank  sea-mosses 

Lay  many  a  mute  and  mouldered  form 
Of  ancient  tars  and  of  old  sea-bosses 

That  ruled  the  storm  ? 

Did  you  think  of  the  date  of  Jutes  and  Angles, 
And  pirate  jarls  with  the  golden  bangles 
And  the  raven  crest  and  the  monkish  crosses, 
And  the  fight  with  Odin's  swarm  ? 

Oh !  say,  did  you  think  of  Aphrodite, 

Mother  of  Love  and  born  of  foam  ? 
Or  the  old  Earth-Shaker,  green  and  mighty, 

Who  makes  men  roam? 
Of  the  battle  of  Sluys  or  the  siege  of  Calais, 
Or  stout  VAN  TROMI>  and  the  last  Dutch  rally, 
Or  what  you  would  want  for  a  Yorkshire  high  tea 
When  you  once  got  safely  home  ? 

Did  you  muse  anon  of  a  mermaids'  squabble 
Down  in  the  deeps  where  no  light  goes? 
And  ask  if  they  wear  the  skirt  called  hobble 

In  realms  like  those? 

Or  lift  your  gaze  and  behold,  Lor'  love  you, 
One  of  those  flying  machines  above  you? 
Did  you  think  of  Captain  WEBB  or  the  Pobble, 
The  Pobble  who  had  no  toes  ? 

Say,  oh  say  if  your  dreams  were  glorious — 

Battle  and  death,  and  love  and  kings, 
DRAKE  or  the  Temeraire  victorious, 

Or  the  foam  that  clings 

To  the  smuggler's  cheek  as  ho  runs  his  brandy — 
Or  any  old  thing  that  just  came  handy? — 
Excuse  my  seeming  a  trifle  curious, 
WILLIAM,  about  these  things. 

But  I  know  the  face  of  the  shining  ferry 

And  I  long  to  learn  of  the  mental  cram, 
The  jokes  you  thought  of,  to  keep  you  merry 

As  you  boldly  swam  : 
For  not  in  the  sea,  but  aboard  the  packet 
In  one  short  hour  and  in  close-reefed  jacket 
I  have  found  that  trip  monotonous,  very- 
Even  ad  nauseam.  EVOE. 


The  Slacker. 

"THE  HUTCHISON  CO. '8  AM.  THEATRES, 
Mr.  PEKCY  HUTCHISON  in 

'  ARSEXE  LUPIN  ' Sept.  18,  T.  R.,  Preston. 

'  BitEW,sTEK'8  MILLIONS  '      .     .     .     .     Sept.  18,  T.  R.,  Yarmouth. 
'  PRESERVING  MK.  PANMUP.K  '  .     .     .     Sept.  18,  Pav.  T.,  Weymouth, 
Oi'EBA  HOUSE,  SOUTIIPOUT   ....     Sept.  18,  'Peggy.' 

THEATUE  ROYAL,  YOEK. Sept,  18,  'The  Whip.'" 

Adft.  in  "  The  Referee." 


THE    LAST    WORSE    OF    SUMMER. 

TAKING  usual  morning  buz/  round  village  with  Charles 
Algernon,  it  suddenly  occurs  to  mo  that  he  and  I  are  the 
sole  survivors  of  our  race.  When  Providence  sees  fit  to 
call  us  to  itself,  there  won't  be  a  single  wopse  left  in 
entire  neighbourhood ! 

Linger  with  Charles  Algernon  outside  Grocer's. 
Depressed  by  sight  of  corpses,  all  relations  or  dear 
friends,  piled  a  foot  deep  inside  window  panes.  "  And  to 
think,"  says  Charles  Algernon,  "  that,  with  only  a  little 
more  self-restraint,  every  one  of  those  fine  fellows  might 
be  with  us  yet!  " 

True  enough — but  Charles  Algernon  hardly  the  insect 
to  say  so,  never  having  be;n  exposed  to  real  temptation. 
If  he  'd  ever  come  across  it — say  in  the  form  of  a  beer 
or  treacle  jar — would  have  fallen  in  to  a  dead  certainty. 
Well-meaning  wopse,  in  his  way,  but  weak.  Have  sent 
him  on  to  scout. 

He  returns  with  report  of  excellent  opening  at  house 
down  next  street.  Accompany  him  to  window,  and  find 
I  've  been  there  before.  Occupier  a  peevish  old  person, 
who  flaps  about  him  with  napkin.  Doesn't  do  much 
execution  with  that — but  rather  nippy  with  butterknife. 
I  know,  because  only  a  fortnight  since  he  chopped  a 
favourite  uncle  and  two  second  cousins  in  halves  before 
my  very  eyes.  .  .  .  Stop  on  sill,  and  let  Charles  Algernon 
go  in  first.  .  .  .  According  to  him,  everything  as  it 
should  be;  table  laid  for  breakfast,  nice  fire,  nobody 
about.  .  .  .  Think  I  may  venture  in.  Any  strawberry 
jam  going?  No  jam,  according  to  Charles  Algernon,  only 
marmalade.  Tut-tut !  how  can  people  be  so  inconsiderate  ? 
Factory  marmalade  never  does  agree  with  me.  Of  course, 
if  it's  home-made.  Charles  Algernon,  already  inside  cut- 
glass  bowl,  declares  it  is  home-made — and  most  luscious. 
Not  sure  that  I  'm  in  the  mood  for  marmalade  this  morn- 
ing. Shall  sit  on  edge  of  bowl  and  see  how  Charles 
Algernon  gets  on.  Surface  strikes  me  as  looking  a  trifle 
tricky.  "  Safe  enough,"  he  assures  me,  "  so  long  as  you 
keep  on  the  peel."  Perhaps,  after  all,  just  a  taste.  Few 
things  more  wholesome  than  genuine  home-made  marma- 
lade— always  provided  you  don't  over-eat  yourself.  Afraid 
that's  just  what  Charles  Algernon's  doing — his  face  is  a 
perfect  mask  of  marmalade  already  !  Feel  it  my  duty  to 
warn  him  against  excess.  He  seems  offended ;  says  I 
needn't  be  afraid  for  him,  as  he  knows  perfectly  well  where 
to  stop.  He  may — but  the  syrup  is  hardly  the  safest  part 
to  stop  in.  He  tells  me  it 's  far  the  sweetest,  and  I  've  no 
idea  how  delicious  it  is,  and  goes  on  wallowing.  Won't 
look  at  him — can't  bear  to  see  any  wopse  making  such  a 
beast  of  himself.  .  .  .  This  peel  is  certainly  a  little  too 
acid.  Syrup  might  act  as  a  corrector.  Anyway,  one  sip 
can't  hurt  me.  .  .  .  Charles  Algernon  right  about  its  being 
sweet.  Quite  excellent !  Luckily,  unlike  some  \vopses, 
/  know  when  I  've  had  enough.  .  .  .  Remind  Charles 
Algernon  that  we  'd  better  be  going.  He  begs  me  to  wait 
for  just  another  minute — he  '11  be  out  directly.  Will  give 
him  a  little  longer — may  as  well  have  one  more  go  at  the 
syrup.  .  .  .  That  last  mouthful  not  so  good — cloying,  some- 
how. If  Charles  Algernon  won't  come  out,  I  shall  simply 
go  irithoKt  him,  that 's  all ! 

He  assures  me  he  would  be  only  too  glad  to  get  out,  if  he 
could,  but  he  can't.  There !  I  told  him  how*  it  would  be — 
but  he  wouldn't  listen — and  now,  oh,  Charles  Algernon! 
that  you  should  have  come  to  such  an  end  as  this !  .  .  . 
Well,  I  can  do  nothing  for  him,  except  leave  him  to  his 
fate.  .  .  . 

Very  odd — but  I  find  it 's  more  of  an  effort  to  get  away 
than  I  expected.  Can't  feel  my  feet  in  this  confounded 


SEPTEMBER  27,  1911.1  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CIIAR1VAUI 


21'J 


A-T  SMITH — • 


WaUrcss.   " YOU'RE  NEVEU  OOIN'  TO  KAT  HROWN  nua.\R  WITH  .i.v  /(•*?" 

Artist.    "I   AM.      IT  GIVEN   IT   TEXTURE." 


syrup.  This  will  be  a  lesson  to  me.  Must  give  up  mar- 
malade after  this ! 

Still  floundering ;  horrid  doubt  whether  marmalade  will 
give  me  up.  Gather  from  Charles  Algernon's  antenna — all 
I  can  see  of  him — that  he  is  feebly  amused.  Heartless ! .  .  . 

It 's  all  over  with  the  pair  of  us — unless — Why  not  ?  No 
sense  in  both  of  us  losing  our  lives — and  such  valuable 
lives !  ...  If  I  can  only  struggle  up  to  Charles  Algernon 
...  I  have.  "  Keep  cool,  old  fellow,  leave  everything  to 
me.  Here,  I  say  !  What  are  you  doing  ?  Don't  be  an  ass, 
dear  old  chap!  You  're  shoving  me  under !"  .  .  . 

Simply  no  words  to  express  my  opinion  of  Charles 
Algernon's  conduct.  Instead  of  allowing  me  to  clamber 
over  him,  he  's  deliberately  got  on  top  of  me  I  He  is  still 
there,  callously  engaged  in  cleaning  his  wings.  As  soon  as 
they  are  serviceable  again,  he  flies  to  edge  of  bowl,  from 
which  he  addresses  me.  "  Augustus  Henry,"  he  is  saying, 
his  antenna,  quivering  with  real  or  assumed  emotion,  "you 
have  saved  my  life  by  an  act  of  heroic  self-sacrifice  which 
I  shall  always  remember  with  gratitude.  May  that  thought 
console  you  !  And  now,  farewell !  " 

I  suppose  I  must  let  it  go  at  that.  All  the  same,  it  is 
annoying  to  think  that  it  should  be  Charles  Algernon  who 
will  now  be  the  Last  of  the  Wopses !  F.  A. 

Our  best  condolences  to  PRESIDENT  TAFT  on  the  new 
weight  that  has  fallen  on  his  broad  shoulders — namely,  the 
white  man's  BORDEN. 


QUIS   CUSTODIET- 


I  WALKED  with  Phyllis  ("  Nursey  ")  on  a  day, 

When  Corydon  in  martial  trappings  came; 
Their  tender  dalliance  left  me  free  to  stray, 

And  stray  I  did,  and  had  a  high  old  game! 
Anon  by  "  early  bed  "  my  pride  was  humbled, 

While  more,  I  fear,  in  anger  than  regret, 
Beneath  the  intempcstive  sheet  I  grumbled : 

"  Custodcm  ipsam  quis  ciistodiet  f  " 

Upon  my  honeymoon,  though  short  of  pelf, 

I  tipped  the  guard  a  not  ungenerous  fee, 
In  hope  of  thus  securing  to  myself 

(And  Her)  seclusion  in  some  small  degree. 
But  when  he  ushered  in  (the  bribe  once  taken), 

With  vague  apology,  an  alien  set, 
I  said,  while  likening  him  (in  brief)  to  BACON, 

"  Custodem  ipsum  quis  custodiet  f  " 

Mother  of  Parliaments  1  in  days  gone  by 

What  altruistic  zeal  did  you  display ! 
Rejoicing  in  your  power  to  "  self-deny  " — 

A  nation's  gratitude  your  only  pay ! 
But  when  £400  apiece  per  annum 

Our  wealth's  trustees  arrange  for  "  selves  "  to  get, 
Is  it  unjust  with  winged  words  to  ban  'em? — 

"  Custodes  ipsos  quis  oustodtet  ?  " 


2-20 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  27,  1911. 


THE   COMPLETE    NOVICE. 

[ArnioR's    NOTE.  —  This  monograph   is  ii 
li'd  primarily  for  the  young  golfer  who 
irous  of  reducing  his  tiftndiQftp  Inmi  MO  to  - 
is  written  in  the  inspiring  manner  of  til 


At  tl 


desir 

and  is  written  in  the  inspiring 
recognised  text-books  on  the  gam. 
same  time,  it  will  be  found  equally  helpful, 
is  expeeted,  to  the  young  billiard  player,  to  th 
lawn-tennis  tyro,  and  to  all  those  who  are  jus 
taking  up  badminton.  Chapters  I.  to  XIII. 
dealing  with  such  technical  points  as  Th 
i>fi<jin  of  the  Jigger,  The  Utiff'i  in  Miicbet/t, 
Time,  Championships  I  Ham  Won,  etc.,  etc. 
are  omitted  here  as  being  rather  too  advance 
for  the  ordinary  novice.  ] 

CHAPTER  XIV.  —  THE  DRIVE. 

IN  considering  the  importance  of  th 
drive  it  must  be  remembered  that  thi 
is  the  first  stroke  to  engage  the  player'; 
(and  caddie's)  attention,  all  games  com 
mencing  from  the  tee.  The  novice  wil 
therefore  naturally  wish  to  master  this 
stroke,  and  it  is  to  help  him  in  this 
laudable  endeavour  that  I  propose  to 
enlarge  for  a  moment  upon  the  proper 
method  of  striking  —  or  rather,  as  wil 
be  seen  in  a  moment,  sweeping  away  — 
the  ball  when  teed  up  upon  sand.  II 
is  obvious  that  it  is  easier  to  strike  —  or 
rather,  sweep  away—  a  ball  teed  up 
than  one  in  a  cuppy  lie  (as  will  be 
shown  when  I  come  to  deal  with  cuppy 
lies  in  a  later  chapter)  ;  but  at  the  same 
;ime  the  young  golfer  generally  finds 
in  the  initial  stages  of  the  game  that 
the  drive  is  the  most  difficult  stroke 
with  which  he  is  called  upon  to  deal. 
Why  this  is  so  I  cannot  say. 

THE  GRIP. 

The   first   essential   for   a   true  and 
proper  stroke,  such  as   will  despatch 
;he  ball  some  two  hundred  yards  or  so 
upon  its  course,  is  a  proper  grip.     It  is 
difficult  to  lay  down  any  hard-and-fast 
rule  about  the  grip,  as  some   golfers 
adopt  one  method  and  some  another. 
A  photograph  of  my  own  grip  appears 
on   page   31,   and  I  may  say  roughly 
ihat  I  wrap  the  little  finger  of  the  right 
land  twice  round  the  thumb  of  .the  left 
land   before  interlocking   it  with  the 
middle  finger,  a  sectional  view  taken 
rom  above  showing  that  only  the  top 
oint  of  the  fourth  finger  of  the  right 
band   is   visible  at  Greenwich.      This 
grip,  however,  is  not  recommended  to 
he  novice  as  it  demands  exceptional 
trength  in  the   digital   muscles,   and 
enerally    speaking    it     must    be    re- 
membered that    a    grip    which    suits 
ne   man    may    not    necessarily    suit 
nother.    At   the   same  time  it    may 
e  laid   down  as  an  essential  to  the 
iroper  guidance  of  a  club  that  the  grip 
hould    be   firm,  and  yet   not   unduly 
rm,  and  that   the   left   hand   should 
old  tlio  club  rather  more  tightly  than 
be  ri^ht,  although,  of  course,  the  right 
and    will   always   maintain  a  strong 
nd  even  pressure  upon  the  leather. 


THE    STANCE. 

Having  obtained  a  happily  modulated 
grip,  as  explained  above,  the  novice  will 
now  have  to  consider  the  question  of 
his  stance.     The  stance  is  one  of  the 
most    important     essentials     for    the 
proper  despatching  of  the  ball,  and  it 
will  frequently  be  found  that  a  foozled 
stroke  may  be  traced  directly   to   the 
fact  that  the  player  was  standing  too 
close  to,  or,  on  the  other  hand,  too  far 
away    from     the     ball.        Again,    the 
question  of  the  square  as  opposed  to 
the  open  stance  is  one  that  has  exer 
cised  the  minds  of  golfers  for  genera 
tions.     For  myself,  as  will  be  seen  on 
page  82, 1  adopt  the  open  stance,  but  1 
am  far  from  insisting  that  my  readers 
should    do    likewise.      Quot  homines 
tot     sententia.       Similarly     the    dis- 
tance   at     which    one     should    stanci 
from   the  ball   is  one  that   will   vary 
according  to  the  physical  peculiarities 
of  the  player,  and  it  is  impossible  to 
lay   down  any   golden  rule   upon   the 
subject.     Generally  speaking,  however, 
t  is  better  to  be  too  near  the  ball  than 
;oo  far  away  from  it,  if  by  adopting 
;he  latter   position  there  is  any  pos- 
sibility of   being  out   of  reach    of    it 


altogether. 


THE  SWING. 


Having  obtained  a  nicely  graduated 
stance,  as  explained  in  the  last  section, 
';he  business  of  the  swing  will  now 
jommence.  Upon  a  proper  swing  the 
whole  success,  or  otherwise,  of  the 
drive  will  turn,  and  I  shall  therefore 
endeavour  to  analyse  it  with  some 
sarticularity. 

Having  placed  the  club  head  behind 
,he  ball  the  player  must  then  take  it 
iway  with  a  sweeping  movement  along 
Lihe  turf,  trending  around  the  legs  as 
ar  as  is  allowed  by  a  circular  move- 
ment of  the  arms.  The  right  elbow 
must  be  bent  closely  into  the  side,  this 
action  coming  into  operation  before 
he  club  is  allowed  to  describe  the 
segment  of  a  circle  in  an  upward 
direction.  The  spine  meanwhile  has 
'ieen  held  rigid,  the  upper  vertebra 
ieing,  if  anything,  slightly  more  tense 
ban  the  lower,  and  as  the  club  ascends 
he  wrists  are  drawn  '  inwards  and 
owards  the  right  side,  while  the 
boulders  swing  easily  round  the 
entral  vertebrae,  the  neck  being  kept 
aut.  When  the  player  has  gone  far 
nough  upwards,  he  commences  the 
ownward  swing,  reversing  the  process 
escribed  above  in  every  detail  until  the 
lub  head  again  reaches  the  ball,  where- 
pon  he  will  continue  the  swing  in  an 
pward  direction  again,  only  this  time 
rom  right  to  left,  the  vertebra,  how- 
ver,  remaining  north  and  south  as 
efore. 


This  appears  to  be  a  delightfully 
easy  proceeding,  but  too  much  pains 
cannot  be  taken  over  doing  exactly 
what  I  have  described.  The  faults  into  ! 
which  the  tyro  most  commonly  allows 
himself  to  slip  are — 

1.  The  locking  of  the  wrists. 

2.  The  involuntary  stiffening  of  the 
upper  vertebras. 

3.  The  lack  of  abandon  in  the  action 
of  the  deltoid  muscles. 

Unless  the  novice  can  cuio  himself 
of  these  faults  he  can  never  hope  to  he 
a  golfer. 

Apart  from  this,  however,  there  are 
certain  accidents  which  happen  even  to 
the  best  intentioned  drive,  and  it  may 
be  helpful  to  give  the  reasons  for  them 
in  a  brief  and  comprehensive  form. 

Slicing.  Hands  not  kept  out  properly  ' 
at  the  finish. 

Sclaffing.  Eight  knee  too  much  bent.  I 

Bulging,  Spine  not  sufficiently  taut. 

Boosting.  Neck  a  little  over- braced. 

Glumphing.    Vertebras  insufficiently  I 
alert. 

Sometimes,  however,  the  player  may 
find  it  necessary  to  bulge  on  purpose, 
as  for  instance  if  he  wishes  to  carry 
the  ladies'  tee  in  a  stiff  nor'-easter. 
To  do  this  he  must  revolve  subtly 
round  the  hips  before  commencing  the 
circular  movement  with  the  wrists — 
the  spine,  however,  remaining  calm. 
[Several  more  chapters  like  thin 
omitted. 

CHAPTER  XXX.— CONCLUSION. 
I  have  now  come  to  the  end  of  my 
task,  and  it  only  remains  to  express  a 
hope  that  the  reader  who  has  followed 
me  intelligently  throughout  has  learnt 
sufficient  to  put  him  in  the  way  of 
becoming  at  some  future  date  a  first- 
class  player.  At  th,  same  time  it 
must  be  emphasised  again  that  in  golf, 
as  in  every  other  game,  the  old  dictum. 
"Practice  makes  perfect,"  holds  true. 
The  novice  whose  heart  is  in  the  game 
and  who  can  spare  the  time  and  the 
money  to  devote  himself  to  it  exclu- 
sively, should,  if  he  have  considerable 
natural  aptitude  for  athletics,  be  able 
in  time,  with  sufficient  practice,  to 
icld  his  own  with  any  player  of  his 
own  calibre.  And  if  I  could  feel  that 
1  have  in  any  way  helped  him  towards 
this  consummation  I  shall  not  have 
written  in  vain.  A.  A.  M. 


"  Though  I  have  not  had  the  hairs  ofinv  head 

lumbered  I  have  had  one  weighed.     It  ei/uul  li-d 

some  trifle   in   millimetres   which   I  could  not 

ranslatc   into   the   necessary    fragments    of  a 

iritish  ounce." — Weekly  LHspaich. 

Dh,  but  why  not  ?  Have  a  dash  at  it. 
deduce  them  to  rupees  first  of  all,  and 
;hen  by  way  of  hogsheads  and  cubic 
'eet  to  ounces. 


. 

SEPTEMBER  27,  1911.]  PTINTPTr     HP    TITT? 

ll>   <•        JHh 


PEEP  AHEAD.-THE   FIRST   DAY   OF   WAR 


Officer.  "WHY  AREN'T  YOU  HLLOWH  FOURAHD  WITn  Torn 

THE   KEOIT1.AR.S  AB,  OCT  AFTEU   REMOtf?;T8|    g,^    SQ   „  . 


THE  MUSICAL  UNEEST. 


THE  Rjyal  Musical  Commission  held 
its  fifteenth  sitting  last  Saturday,  the 
Commissioners  pres3nt  being  Sir 
FREDERICK  BRIDGE  (Chairman),  Mr. 
STEPHEN  ADAMS,  Mr.  ALGERNON 
ASHTON  and  Sir  HENRY  WOOD. 

Mr.  Popoloffsky,  the  first  witness 
called,  who  is  the  Honorary  Secretary 
of  the  Amalgamated  Society  of  Instru- 
mental Musicians,  stated  that  his 
baptismal  name  was  Jeremiah  Bolster, 
but  that  he  had  taken  the  name  of 
Popoloffsky  in  self-defence,  owing  to 
the  enormous  demand  for  Muscovite 
music  and  musicians. 

In  reply  to  Mr.  STEPHEN  ADAMS,  the 
witness  said  that  his  sympathies  were 
entirely  with  native  musicians,  and 
that  he  hoped  under  happier  circum- 
stances to  resume  his  patronymic,  but 
to  do  so  now  would  be  suicidal.  He 
|uul  never  been  in  Russia,  and  could 
hot  say  whether  it  was  north  or  south 
Of  the  Equator.  He  had  nob  been  to 
pee  MORDKIN  or  PAVLOVA. 


Sir  HENRY  WOOD  :  Can  you  give  any 
specific  instan:e  of  intimidation  by 
j  foreigners  ?  The  witness  replied  that 
on  his  refusing  to  eat  some  sauerkraut 
offered  him  by  a  German  horn-player  at 
a  Viennese  bakery  the  alien  threatened 
to  horsewhip  him  with  a  sausage. 

Answering  further  questionably  the 
President  he   said  that  he  was   not  a 
Syndicalist.     He  played  the  tuba,  and 
found  it  hard  to  make  both  ends  meet. 
Mr.  ALGERNON   ASHTON  :    A  case  ol 
the  twopenny  tuba,  I  fear.    (Laughter.; 
Proceeding,    the     witness     said    he 
thought  it   a   crying   shame   that  the 
Cor  Anglais  was  not  called  the  English 
Horn.     He  was  not  aware  what  event 
took  pkca  in  the  year   1812,  but  he 
believed  it  was  ths  battb  of  Waterloo, 
or  perhaps  the  death  of  NELSON. 

Miss  Jemima  Owbridge,  the  ziext 
witness,  said  that,  after  singing  with 
marked  acceptanco  in  the  provinces, 
she  came  up  to  London  to  soak  engage- 
ments. She  accordingly  sang  bafore 
the  Manager  of  the  Empress  Hall,  who 
admired  her  voice,  but  said  ho  could 


not  give  her  an  engagement  unless  she 

took  finishing  lessons  in  singing  from 

a  Polish  master  and  studied  deportment 

under  M.  NIJINSKY.     He  also   wanted 

her  to  change  her  name.     She  refused 

the  offer,  and  had  in  consequence  been 

reduced    to    earning    her    living    as 

a  Masked  Pierrette.      In  her  opThion 

England    was    being    devastated    by 

Dagos,    and    it    was    high    time    for 

Parliament  to  inte;vene.     She  had  no 

confidence  in  Conciliation  Boards  unless 

Russians  an  1  Prussians  were  excluded, 

especially  Russians.     Her  motto  as  a 

patriotic  musician  was  "  Britons  never 

should  be  Slavs." 

Sir  FREDERICK  BRILGE  :  Is  that  your 
own  jeii  d'espril  ? 

Witiiess.  I  thought  of  it  the  moment 
I  saw  it  in  Punch,  some  months  ago. 

"The  day's  bug  was  200  l.nu-e,  no  fewer  than 
SO  brace  falling  to  His  Majesty's  rifle." 

Daily  Mail. 

No  stags  seem  to  have  been  killed,  but 
;hat  must  have  been  because  the  KINO 
lad  left  his  shot-gun  at  home. 


322 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHAIUVARI._         [SEIM-KMHKK  27,   1911. 


AT 


THE    PLAY. 

THE  Horn.'' 


(changes  on  the  theme  of  reconciliation. 
1  Even  in  the  scene  at  Carysfort  Chase 
(a  work  of  fancy)  I  doubt  if  the  two 

Two  are  the  aims  that  lie  before  the  butterflies  that  fluttered  about  the 
promoters  of  the  Annual  Autumnal  |  flowers  with  so  natural  an  abandon 
Show  at  Drury 


Lane.      One    is    to  j  were  justified  in  ceasing  their  activities 


their 


man  who  had  wronged  her — a  secret 
that  ordinary  human  pressure  had 
failed  to  extract.  It  is  true  that  her 
father  might  have  been  more  usefully 
occupied  at  so  deadly  a  juncture  than 
in  perusing  the  letter  that  endorsed 


the  girl's  confession, 
that    the    secret    was 


It  is  true,  too, 
no    concern    of 


ravish    the  senses    of    their    audience  j  with   the  idea   of   concentrating 

with  spectacular  effects;  the  other  to  attention  on  the  dialogue. 

"  free,  arouse,  dilate  "  their  consciences  '      But,    after   all,  Mr.  COLLINS  knows  j  the  other  girl's,  since  her  own  lover's 

with  '  soul-stirring     drama.     At     first  ]  the  tastes  of  his  audience  better  than  I  |  innocence  had  been  already  sufficiently 

blush,    the    latter   would   seem    to  be  j  can   ever   hope    to    do,    and    if    they   proved,   and    the   name  of   the  actual 

the   loftier  aim.     Yet   in    the    former  '  swallowed  it  all  without  flinching  who  j  villain  could  only  have  been  for  her  an 

there   are  uplifting  motives  at  work  ;,  am  I  to  cavil  at  improbabilities?   Yet  ;  object  of  idle  curiosity.     But  this  was 

for     Mr.     ARTHUK     COLLINS     is     not  i  I  must  doubt  —  so  colossal'  has  grown  ;  no  fault  of  the  earthquake,  which  did 

content     to    give    us    scenes    of    un-  \  their  appetite,  thanks  to  a  glut  of  pre-   all  that  was  asked  of  it. 

imagined   beauty  or   terror  ;    he  must  i  vious   miracles  and   to   the   concerted 

also°educate  our  minds  with  the  re-  !  ecstasies  of  the  Press  —  whether  they 

production  of  actualities,  such  as  the  \  wore    quite    satisfied    with    the 

interiors     of      the 


Diwan-i-khas  at 
Delhi,  of  the  sale- 
ring  at  Newmarket, 
of  the  weighing-room 
at  Epsom. 

Unfortunately  the 
two  aims  are  some- 
times found  in  col- 
lision. Clearly  the 
movement  of  the  plot 
cannot  be  allowed  to 
be  checked  while  the 
eye  is  bsinginstructed. 
By  consequence  we 
have  the  most  poig- 
nant things  occurring 
against  backgrounds 
where  in  real  life  the 
methods  of  the  higher 
drama  are  almost 
habitually  neglected. 
Thus  I  have  nothing 


SOCIETY  SCANDAL 


DELHI. 


but   praise  for    the 

scenery  and  costumes 

designed    for    the 

Viceroy's  Ball  in  the 

Diwan-i-khas,  but, 

speaking  from  limited  experience  (for  I  \pieces  de  resistance  :    the  Derby,   run 

have  supped  only  once  in  this  room  of  on  a  rotatory  platform — the  oldest  of 


What  I  missed  mcst  in  the  play 
was  a  heroine.  Miss  EVELYN  I/ALROY 
two  ;  (surely  meant  for  better  things)  was 
charming  and  grace- 
ful as  ever  in  the  part 
so  labelled ;  but  a  lady 
who  refuses  to  believe 
in  the  rectitude  of  her 
lover  (and  he  an  officer 
in  the  Rifle  Brigade,), 
though  she  has  it 
from  his  own  lips  and 
those  of  the  girl  whose 
wrongs  have  been  laid 
at  his  door,  and  will 
not  be  satisfied  till 
she  gets  at  the  namje 
of  the  real  villain  (als 
if  that  helped),  is  nb 
heroine  for  me. 

Mr.  KEIGHTLEY, 
with  his  pleasant  face 
and  angular  poses, 
was  an  inoffensive 
hero.  Mr.  LYLE  was 
more  comfortably  at 


Captain  Hector  Grctiit      ...        ...        ...        ...        ...        ...        ...       Mr.  LYSTON  LYLE. 

Bi-citda  Carlyon Jliss  EVELYN -D'AI.HOY. 

Lord  Dorchester ;.        .".'.         ...          Mr.  CYKII.  KKKJHTLEY. 


home  in  his  part  of  the 
villain,  played  with 
commendable  reserve, 
and  he  received  his 
due  meed  of  hisses 


thePeaeockThrone,  and  danced  but  once 
in  the  Diwan-i-am,  on  the  floor  below), 
I  cannot  easily  imagine  circumstances 
in  which  the  Viceregal  festivities  would 
be  suddenly  arrested  while  an  English 
female  tourist,  occupying  the  centre  of 
the  floor,  denounced,  in  clear  and  bell- 


vieux  jeu — and  the  rather  tawdry  earth- 
quake with  its  ineffective  crowd.  I 
liked  much  better  the  scene  of  the  pre- 
liminary shock — the  interior  of  a  room 
in  the  Hotel  Umberto  at  "  Massiglia." 
It  is  always  a  great  thing  if  you  can 
get  the  elements  to  harmonise  with  the 


like  tones,  the  alleged  infidelity  of  her  j  play  of  human  passions. 


lover,  before  a  curious  circle  of  soldiers, 
officials,  and  native  princes. 

Again,  I  admit  that  I  have  only- 
assisted  at  one  blood-stock  sale  at 
Newmarket,  but  on  that 


occasion 


saw  no  probability  that  Messrs. 
TATTEBSALL'S  representative  would 
ever  call  an  interlude  for  the  express 
purpose  of  permitting  a  separated 
couple— the  man  an  ex-acrobat,  and 
the  lady  a  retired  don  of  Somerville 
College — to  command  the  middle  of 
the  ring  while  employed  in  comic  ex- 


' '  Buried  in  woods  \ve  lay,  you  recollect ; 

Swift  ran  the  searching  tempest  overhead. .  ." 
And  here  the  sudden  crack  in  the  wall, 
the  crash  of  priceless  articles  of  vertu, 
the  swift  approach  of  the  flames,  the 
jamming  of  the  doors  of  the  only  con- 
venient exit — all  made  an  excellent 
accompaniment  to  the  heart-shocks 
that  were  going  on  independently  in 
the  foreground.  But  the  joint  authors 
did  better  than  that.  They  utilised  these 
irregular  workings  of  Nature  to  wring 
from  a  poor  scared  girl  the  name  of  the 


from  an  audience  quick  to  distinguish 
the  subtle  differences  between  vice  and 
virtue. 

I  confess  that  I  was  never  properly 
heartbroken  with  sympathy  for  the 
wrongs  of  Olive  Whilburn.  I  might 
have  forgiven  her  acceptance,  though 
in  execrable  taste,  of  the  villain's  illicit 
advances,  but  to  follow  him  off  the 
polo-ground  into  his  club,  on  the  excuse 
that  she  wanted  him  to  marry  her,  was 
most  unwomanly  conduct.  And  there 
was  very  little  in  Miss  MADGE  FABIAN'S 
playing  of  the  part  to  make  me  really 
anxious  as  to  what  became  of  her.  Miss 
KATE  RORKE  was  a  sound 
and  Mr.  Ross  revealed  the  generous 
nature  which,  from  a  superficial  study 
of  their  overtures,  I  have  always  at- 
tributed to  the'best  money-lenders. 

To  Miss  FANNY  BROUGH  (who  deservecf 
a  better  scope)  and  to  Mr.  CHARLES  Roc4 
(always  merry  and  bright)  was  assignee) 


dowager : 


SKl'TKMHKK    "27,     1911.] 


PUNCH.   OR_THE_Lf)NlM.\    ,  -M  AIMV.MM. 


the  comic  relief  Ixixso-rilievo,  as  the 
liall-porter  of  the  I'mborto  might  Iiavo 
•called  it,  for  it  was  never  very  profound, 
but  just  slightly  raised  above  the  Hat. 

In  conclusion,  to  all  who  are  about. 
to  hook  accommodation  for  the  Delhi 
Durbar  at  £H  per  dii  in,  my  advice  is  to 
go  and  see  Mr.  COLUNS'H  Second  Act 
at  Drury  Lane  instead.  Jf  Hope,  in 
a  general  way,  is  the  expectation  of 
things  not  seen,  The  Ho/><;  of  Drury 
Lane  shows  you  them  while  you  wait. 
True,  you  will  miss  the  elephants  and 
the  VICEROY,  but  you  will  get  a  lot  of 
drama  thrown  in  that  never  occurs  in 
quite  the  same  shape  out  there;  and 
the  cost  is  comparatively  trifling.  I 
grant  that  you  will  have  to  do  without 
your  photograph  in  The  Sketch  as  one 
of  that  remarkable  and  intrepid  hand 
of  voyagers,  but  perhaps  some  day  the 
Editor  will  find  a  still  more  compelling 
reason  for  its  insertion. 

If,  however,  the  play  is,  after  all,  the  ' 
thing,  I  would  appeal  to  every  patriot 
to  attend,  if  only  for  a  few  hours,  and 
note  what  sort  of  drama  it  is  that  comes 
home  so  straight  to  the  bosoms  of  the 
British  public.  They  will  find  that  its 
heart  is  in  the  right  place ;  that  it  can 
appreciate  Poetic  Justice  when  it  sees  it. 

So  let  us  hear  no  more  talk  of  our 
national  decadence.  O.  S. 


HOW  IT'S  DONE. 

["The  naval  airship  at  Burrow  is  now  imiuli 
lighter  than  it  was,  having  been  relieved  of 
much  of  its'  weight.  "—Xccuiay  .Aw*.] 

Now  that  that  is  satisfactorily 
settled,  let  me  confess  that  I  was 
worried  about  it.  I  had  reasoned  out, 
.with  the  assistance  of  my  brother 
Henry,  that  there  were  two  separate 
and  distinct  ways  of  lightening  a  naval 
airship.  My  brother  Henry  and  myself 
had  discussed  it  at  breakfast ;  and 
although  our  conversation  had  to  be 
carried  on  when  the  waiter  was  out  of 
the  room  I  pride  myself  that  we 
handled  the  discussion  with  masterful 
directness.  (You  see,  we,  my  brother 
and  myself,  live  in  a  boarding  estab- 
lishment where  they  have  a  German 
waiter;  and  of  course  you  follow  me 
when  I  say  that  matters  of  grave 
national  importance  cannot  be  men- 
tioned before  aliens.) 

Well,  I   pointed  out  to  Henry  that 

;he  logical  way  of  lightening  a  naval 

airship   was   to  pump  (I  believe  they 

Dump)  more  gas  into  it,  and  so  make 

t  lighter  in  effect,  so  to  speak.     I  was 

rather  particular   about    that  "  so   to 

speak,"  because  it  really  wouldn't  be 

any.  1'ghter,  you  know  ;  jjut,  of  course, 

did  not  let  my  brother  Henry  know 

hat,  and  so  the  subtlety  of  my  reser- 

•ation  was  lost  on  him.     But  he  had 


'itt.  "I  HEAR  TIIKY'KE  SAYIM:  THAT  JON  EN,  THE  MAX  YOU'VE  BEES  TKEATISI;  K>B 

I.1VEK  l-OMl'LAIXT,    HAS   DIED  OK    III  AIM    TROUBLE. " 

Doctor  (iieillly).    "WHEV  I  TREAT  A   MAX   KOH  I.1VEII  TRoml.E  HE   DIES  OK  I.IVKl:    Mini  HIE." 


his  own  view  of  the  question,  and  said 
that,  in  his  opinion,  if  you  wanted  to 
lighten  an  airship,  all  you  had  to  do 
was  to  take  some  of  the  heavy  parts 
away,  and  that  the  parts  so  removed 
could  follow  the  airship  about  in  an 
Army  Service  wagon.  Poor  dear 
Henry,  he  had  evidently  forgotten 
the  crux  of  the  matter,  and  the 
entrance  of  the  waiter  only  just  pre- 
vented him  from  being  angry  when 
I  pointed  out  that  it  was  a  naval 
airship,  and  the  wagon  might  not  be 
built  for  heavy  seas.  Still  I  allowed 
bis  suggestion  to  stand  on  the  con- 


dition  that   he  should    recognise    the 
"  so  to  speak  "  on  my  part. 

Now,  you  see,  we  have  the  thing 
in  a  nutshell.  Either  they  pump  more 
gas  into  it,  and  make  it  lighter  (so  to 
speak) :  or  they  leave  some  of  it  to 
follow  them  about. 


I  see  now  how  they  overcame  the 
difficulty.  It  is  gratifying  to  us 
Englishmen  to  know  that  our  authori- 
ties are  not  asleep  to  national  dangers. 
Still,  I  can't  help  thinking  that  CHARLIE 

'  BERESFORD  would  have  pumped  more 

{ gas  into  it. 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    C11AR1YARI._         [SEPTEMBER  27.  1911. 


Tlic  lledor.  "Now,  MOLLY,  WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  BEAUTIFUL  OK  coon?" 

JtMfi/.'  .''l-D   KATHER   BE   BEAUTIFUL  AND    ItEPEXT." 


THE   RE-UNION. 

I  SUPPOSE  it  is  because  we  have  baen 
parted  so  long  that  we  met  again  to- 
day with — on  my  part — siioh  sincere 
and  hearty  delight.  Never,  I  think,  do 
I  ramember  so  long  a  break  in  our 
companionship.  Other  years,  even  at 
times  when  ws  were  nit  living  in 
actual  daily  association,  there  were 
sure  to  be  odd  oscasibns  (evenings 
mostly)  when  he  would  turn  up .  un- 
expectedly, and  we  would  enjoy  a  quiet 
hour  or  so  together.  ;But  this' year  it 
has  been  different.  -fl.had  almost  for- 
gotten what  he  was  like. 

Judge  then  of  my  emotion  this 
evening  when  I  entered  my  study, 
all  unprepared,  and  found  him  there 
in  his  old  place,  as  though  the  inter- 
minable months  since  we  parted  had 
never  been.  I  protest  the  whole  room 
looked  different.  With  a  cry  of  wel- 
come I  ran  forward  and  held  out  both 
my  hands  to  him.  On  his  side,  too, 
the  greeting  was  as  warm  as  ever;  his 
cheery  face  positively,  glowed  in  a  way 
that  did  one  g'ood  to  witness. 


"  This  is  glorious !  "  I  said.  I  pulled 
my  chair  forward  close  beside  him, 
quite  in  the  old  intimate  fashion,  and 
prepared  the  first  really  enjoyable  pipe 
for  many  months.  He  gave  ma  a 
light,  though  it  is  but  seldom  that  he 
smokes  himself,  and  we  S3ttled  down 
together  for  a  jolly  evening. 

It  was  so  restful  having  him  there, 
hearing  now  and  again  that  quiet, 
appreciative  chuckle  of  his,  which  is 
for  me  infinitely  preferable  to  the 
epigrams  of  the  most  brilliant  talker 
that  ever  silenced  a  dinner-table,  that, 
little  by  little,  I  fancy  I  must  have 
slipped  into  a  reverie,  not  far  removed 
from  slumber.  I  was  thinking  drowsily 
of  all  the  scenes  in  my  life  that  this 
friend  has  shared  with  me,  when  I 
roused  myself  with  a  start  and  a  chill 
of  desolation.  He  had  gone  out  while 
I  slept.  So  great  a  while  is  it  since 
we  were  together  that  I  had  forgotten 
his  little  fancies,  the  occasional  caress, 
the  offer  of  refreshment,  failing  which 
he,  will  often,  as  now,  steal  from  one 
unobserved. 

.It  is  possible,  however,  that  even  yet 


he  is  not  wholly  gone.  He  may  be 
hiding  in  some  obscure  corner,  and  in 
that  case  fortunately  I  shall  know 
what  to  do.  A  little  coaxing  and  the 
proffer  of  the  morning  newspaper  make 
an  unfailing  lure.  I  thought  so;  he 
is  creeping  I;a3k.  Already  behind  the 
outstretched  paper  I  can  hear  wel- 
come sounds  of  his  return.  I  must  be 
more  careful  in  future.  Not  willingly, 
after  a  whole  summer  spent  in  contem- 
plating an  empty  hearth,  will  I  forego 
the  companionship  of  My  Study  M:e. 


!  "20,000  unused  Edison  cylinder  records 
for  sale.  Owner  deceased.  A  dead  bargain." 
— Advt.  in  " Daily  Mail." 

Obviously  ;  but  need  they  have  put 
it  quite  so  crudely  ? 


At  a  tank  performance  by  the  Channel 
Hero: 

He:  BuRGESS  is  a  resident  in  France,  I 
believe? 

She :  Oh,  yes.  *  Don't  you  remember  the 
BURGESSES  were  settled  in  Calais  centuries  ago? 
I  seem  to  remember  that  six  of  them  were  there 
in  QUEEN  ELEANOR'S  time. 


PUNCH._OR_THK    LONDON   CHART VABI._SsPT«B«  27, 


l^>- 


SELF-DEFENCE. 

N-  BULL  (of  the  n'cic  Volunteer  Police,  to  Trades  Union  Leader).  "LOOK  HERE.  MY  FRIEND,  I'VE 
EN  -HEARING   A    GOOD   DEAL    OF  TALK    OF   'RECOGNITION,'   WELL,  I    REPRESENT   THK 
PUBLIC,   AND  IT'S   ABOUT  TIME  MY  INTERESTS   WERE  'RECOGNISED.'" 


SEPTKMBEII  27,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHAIMV AUI. 


227 


REMARKABLE    DISCOVERY  AT  THE    HOUSE  OF  COMMONS   IN   THE   OFF-SEASON. 


men,  we  need  hardly  apologise  if  we  tuni  f«ir  .•> 

moment  teTa  genuine  and  really  astonishing  case  of  what  we  may  call  geographical  persistence  of  feature.     If  we  look  in  at  the  Houw  .if 
(Jommons,  now  in  the  hands  of  the  lowly  but  invaluable  char-lady,  we  are  absolutely  staggered  by  an  nndeniable  familiarity  o 
and  expression.     (The  loss  of  a  certain  distinction  and  intellectuality  is  almost  more  than  compensated  by  a  new  breeziuess  and  f 
deportment.) 


Having  exposed  certain  purely  hallucinatory  and  unflattering  resemblances  to  public 
lent  to  a  genuine  and  really  astonishing  case  of  what  we  may  call  geographii»l  persii 


A  BALLADE  OP  DEIVEN  GEOUSE. 

YE  say  that  your  gun  's  fair  gone  gyte, 

That  you  're  missin'  the  coveys  a'  through, 
An'  your  language  is  that  impolite 

IWk  wad  think  ye  'd  the  de'il  in  your  moo ; 

Here 's  a  ferlie  I  'd  bring  tae  your  view, 
(Though  aiblins  professors  'ud  froon,) 

An'  ye  '11  kill  once  ye  ken  the  way  hoo — 
It 's  aye  best  tae  baud  into  the  broun  1 

They  grouse  has  a  gey  nesty  flight, 

Yin  that  fair  gies  a  body  the  grue, 
When  they  link  doon  the  win'  quick  as  light, 

An'  ye  never  could  shoot  when  it  blew, 

Though  ye  're  line  at  a  hare  on  the  ploo 
Or  a  craw  when  he  's  branched  up  aboon  ; 

Ay,  there 's  mony  a  lad  that 's  like  you, 
An'  he  's  best  haudin'  into  the  broun  ! 


There 's  some  has  a  skill  an'  a  sight 
That  can  pick  their  birds  oot  o"  the  blue, 

Be  the  braes  in  their  braws,  or  in  white 
VVi'  snaw-wreaths  o'  winter-time's  brew, 
Come  they  single,  or  packed  in  a  crew, 

Clean  killed,  I  wad  wadger  a  croon, 
But  the  likes  o'  that  kind  is  gey  few, 

Ye  'd  be  best  tae  baud  into  the  broun ! 
ENVOY. 

Losh,  Prince,  but  ye  've  got  it  the  noo, 
Yon's  a  brace  an'  a  half  ye  ca  'd  doon, 

You  're  right  gin  ye  ken  whit  tae  do- 
lt 's  aye  best  tae  baud  into  the  broan ! 

"Mayor  of  Hull.-I  am  entirely  opposed  to  the  proposed  fight  at 
Earl's  Court,  or  any  sui-h  brutal  exhibition."— Liccrjiool  J*« 
The  Earl's  Court  Exhibition  is  not  really  brutal,  what- 
ever the  Mayor  says. 


2-28 


PUNCH,    OR    THK    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBER  27,  1911. 


THE 


REVELATIONS. 

(Being  Platform  Essays  in  the.  Unexpected.) 

Kt.    Hon.   A.   J.    BALFOUB,    M.P.,   was   the   chief 


speaker  at  a  great  Unionist  demonstration  held  at  the 
Albert  Hal1.  The  LF.ADEB  OF  THE  OPPOSITION,  speaking 
with  even  more  than  his  usual  verve  and  lucidity,  devoted 

to  an   elaborate 


the  in'.roductory  portion  of  his  speech 
disquisition  on  the  True  and  the  Beautiful  as  exemplified 
in  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  financial  system,  and  particularly 
in  that  Rt.  Hon.  gentleman's  celebrated  Limehouse  oration. 


Mr.  BALFOUB  continued  as  follows  : — 
"  If,  however,  I  am  asked  whether 


I  place  the  present 


CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  first  in  my  list  of  the  great 
benefactors  of  humanity,  I  must  answer  unhesitatingly 
that  there  is  one  whom  I  am  forced  to  rank  above  him. 
Need  I  say  that  I  refer  to  a  former  colleague  and  loyal 
supporter  of  my  own,  that  brilliant  and  inspiring  states- 
man, Mr.  AUSTEN  CHAMHEHLAIN.  But  for  his  superb  and 
indefatigable  genius  we  might  not  now  be  living  in  the 
anticipated  enjoyment  of  a  strong  protective  tariff.  For 
me,  indeed,  the  cause  of  Protection  pure  and  simple  is 
something  more  precious  than  life  itself.  To  that  cause 

I  shall  continue  to  de- , 

vote  myself  heart  and  : 
soul    with    such    poor  j 
energies  as  nature  has 
placed  at  my  disposal, 
am,    as    everybody 
knows, and  always  have 
been,    an    ardent   sup- 
porter   of    a    tax     on 
corn    and    meat    and 
every  other  article  that 
the  designing  foreigner 
may,  in   his  efforts  ••  to  [ 
destroy    British    in- 
dustry, import  into  our ' 
markets.     In  compari- . 
son    with     this    noble 
and  salutary  movement 
Elome  Eule  is  a  mere 


A  STUDY  FROM    THK  NUDE. 


SECKKTAKY,  "  must  bo  sought  in  tin  arrogant  and  brutal 
methods  of  the  German  Government.  It  is  useless  to  d:s- 
guise  the  fact  that  every  effort  at  a  settlement  has  been 
frustrated  by  the  Germans.  What  would  have  been  said  of 
us  if  we  had  acted  as  the  Germans  have,  if  we  had  first  sent 
a  warship  to  a  place  where  she  had  no  business  to  be  and 
had  then  refused  to  recall  her  unless  we  were  heavily  paid 
for  our  complaisance  by  the  cession  of  teiritory  and  the 
grant  of  special  privileges?  Every  indication  of  a  con- 
ciliatory disposition  on  the  part  of  the  French  has  been 
met  by  increased  claims  on  the  part  of  the  Germans. 
The  French  have  throughout  behaved  with  the  greatest 
courtesy  and  forbearance,  but  if  things  go  on  as  they 
have  been  going  the  breaking  point  will  soon  be  reached. 
Great  Britain  is  prepared  to  support  France  with  all 
her  military,  naval  and  pecuniary  resources.  That  being 
the  case,  you  will,  I  am  sure,  noi  misjudge  me  if  I 
say  emphatically  that  I  do  not  care  twopence  for  the 
GERMAN  EMPEBOB,  for  Herr  KIDERLEN  WAMCIITKR,  or  the 
whole  boiling  of  them.  Let  'em  all  come,  and  the  more 
the  merrier, 
succeeded  and  never 
with  great  emphasis,  and  his  frankness  made  a  most 

favourable     impression 
on  his  audience. 

Speaking  at  the 
annual  meeting  of  the 
Stoke  Pogos  Die-hards, 
the  Earl  of  HALSBUBY 
called  on  all  present  to 
sink  their  differences 
and  rally  in  support 
of  their  great  and 
cherished  leader,  Mr. 
BALFOUB.  It  was  pain- 
ful to  have  to  notice 
the  obloquy  with  which 
Mr.  BALFOUB  had  been 
assailed  by  those  who 
ought  to  know  batter. 
Mr.  BALFOUR  had  been 
compared  to  a  grand- 


Blackmail  as  a  national  policy  has  never  yet 
never  will."  ...  The  FOREIGN  SKCRETARY  spoke 


triviality  and  the  defence  of  the  House  of  Lords  a  thing  mother.  The  mere  suggestion  was  monstrous,  and  he 
of  no  moment.'  -Mr.  BALFOUB  concluded  with  a  warm  repudiated  it  with  all  the  tower  at  his  command.  He 
eulogy  of  Mr.  WINSTON  CHURCHILL,  and  resumed  his  seat  in  himself,  Lord  HALSBUBY  added,  had  been  accused  of 


dead  silence  after  speaking  for  an  hour  and  a  quarter. 
'  Mr.  KEIR  HAKDIE,  M.P.,  addressing  a  crowded  gathering 
of  working  men  at  Tonypandy,  dealt  incisively  with  the 
recent  strikes  and  the  riots  that  followed  them.  "I  have 
come  to  the  deliberate  conclusion,"  he  said,  "  that  in  the 
ong  and  turbulent  history  of  industrial  disturbances  there 
ms  never  been  a  strike  so  senseless  or  so  devoid  of  justi- 
ication  as  this.  The  men  were  wrong  from  beginning  to 
md,  and  their  leaders  were,  if  possible,  more  foolish  and 
criminal  than  the  poor  fools  who  followed  their  advice. 
?aced  with  this  unexampled  disturbance  to  the  comfort  of 
'.he  public  the  Government  could  only  take  one  course,  and 
o  their  everlasting  credit  they  did  not  hesitate,  to  take  it. 
As  guardians  of  civilisation  it  was  their  plain  duty  to  call 
~>ut  the  military  to  protect  the  Bailway  Companies  and 
hoot  down  the  wicked  and  wanton  disturbers  of  the  peace. 
These  are  my  opinions,  and  it  is  just  as  well  that  the 
nihlic  should  know  them."  The  hon.  gentleman,  after 
inishing  his  speech,  was  accompanied  to  his  lodgings  by  a 
•nixed  force  of  infantry,  cavalry,  artillery  and  engineers. " 

Sir  EDWARD  GREY,  M.P.,  yesterday  made  an  important 
>roriouncement  in  regard  to  the  Morocco  crisis  at  the 
dinner  of  the  Stock  Exchange  Liberal  Association.  "  The 
'rue  cause  of  all  our  present  anxietiesj"  said  the  FOREIGN 


nepotism,  but  he  had  scorned  to  defend  himself  against 
so  preposterous  a  charge.  As  for  the  House  of  Lords, 
the  sooner  they  reconciled  themselves  to  their  new  con- 
ditions the  better  for  all  concerned.  At  the  subsequent 
business  meeting  of  the  society,  Mr.  BALFOUB  and  Lord 
LANSDOWNE  were,  on  the  motion  of  Lord  HALSBUBY,  elected 
Vice-Presidents  for  the  ensuing  year. 

The  Eight  Hon.  F.  E.  SMITH,  K.C.,  M.P.,  who  has  been 
cruising  in  his  silver-gilt  1,000-ton  yacht  Imperentia  (his 
diamond-crusted  motor-car  is  at  present  being  repaired), 
has  arrived  at  Liverpool  and  has  confided  to  a  gathering  of 
his  supporters  his  opinion  on  the  condition  of  political 
parties  in  the  country.  Mr.  SMITH  declared  that  he  was 
growing  more  and  more  deeply  impressed  with  the  fact 
that  the  Liberals  had  been  in  office  nearly  six  years.  They 
had  great  qualities,  which  none  appreciated  more  highly 
than  he.  He  desired  to  warn  his  fellow  Conservatives 
against  the  employment  of  flippancy  and  frivolity  in  place 


of   solid  argument, 
carry  a  politician  far. 


Mere  badinage  was 


never   likely    to 


We  understand  that,  if  the  WELLS-JOHNSON  fight  takes 
place,  the  Earl's  Court  Exhibition  will  be  known  as  the 
Black-and- White  Citv. 


SEPTEMBER  27,  1311.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


SCEXE — Express  Train,  two  hours  before  first  stop. 
Stranger.  "!N  THAT  PARCEL,  Sin,  UNDER  YOUR  SEAT,   I  HAVE  THE  GREATEST  INVENTION  OF  THE  ARE.     IT  CONTAINS  THE  MOIT 

DEADLY  AND   POWERFUL  EXPLOSIVE  EVER  DISCOVERED.      I  'jl   GOINU  TO   PATENT  IT  TO-DAY    IF   IT  DOESN'T  UO  OFF  ACCIDENTALLY  I)KKul;E 

I  GET  TO  LONDON." 

Nervous  Gentleman.  "B-BUT  S-SUPPOSING— IT— DOES— GO  OFF— IN  HERE— W-WIIAT  THEN;" 
Stranger.   "THEN,  SIR,  IT  DOESN'T  MATTER;    THE  SECRET  DIES  WITH  ME." 


STATESMEN   AT  PLAY. 
[With     acknowledgments     to      The    Daily 
Chronicle's    revised    version    of    Mr.     LLOYD  j 
GEORGE'S  picnic  and  to  Mr.  T.  W.  BURGESS'S 
recent  statement  as  to  his  diet] 

WE   are  glad   to   be  able  to  put  a 
much  more  favourable  construction  on  | 
the    deplorable    incident    recently  re- ! 
ported  from  North  Wales.     According  1 
to    the    original    account,    Mr.   LULU  j 
HARCOURT  and  Mr.  MASTEBMAN,  while  | 
the  guests  of  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  : 
EXCHEQUER    at   his    stately  home    in 
the  Principality,  went  shrimping  near 
Criccieth.     As  the  day  was  very  hot,  j 
the  illustrious  statesmen,  who  are  both 
enthusiasts  for  this  exhilarating  sport, ! 
removed  portions  of  their  habiliments ; 
before  venturing  forth  into  the  briny 
waves  which  lave  the  verdant  shores  of 
Cambria,  and  left  them  in  the  vicinity. ! 
While  they  were  occupied  with  their  j 
catch,  the  minions  of  a  feudal  tyrant 
who    dwells     in     the    neighbourhood  j 
swooped  down  on  the  scene  and,  after  j 
indulging    in    hideous    and    insulting  j 
language,  carried  off  the   unoffending ' 


raiment  of  the  illustrious  shrimpers. 
Mr.  HAHCOURT  and  Mr.  MASTERMAN 
were  left  in  an  extremely  delicate 
position,  but,  with  the  resourcefulness 
that  is  the  true  index  of  greatness,  they 
swathed  their  nether  men  in  seaweed 
and  regained  the  land.  Unfortunately 
a  severe  thunderstorm  supervened,  and 
it  was  not  until  after  darkness  had 
set  in  that  they  were  enabled  to  make 
their  way  back  to  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S 
mansion. 

Careful  investigations,  we  are  re- 
joiced to  say,  now  establish  the  fact 
that  this  circumstantial  and  appalling 
narrative  has  no  foundation.  Mr. 
HARCOURT  and  Mr.  MASTKKMAN,  it  is 
true,  did  indulge  in  the  refreshing 
pastime  of  paddling,  to  the  immense 
gratification  of  the  natives,  but  with- 
out removing  any  portions  of  their 
clothing,  with  the  exception  of  boots 
and  socks,  and  contenting  themselves 
with  rolling  up  their  trousers  only  as  far 
as  the  middle  of  their  splendidly  de- 
veloped calves.  Nor  was  it  the  case  that 
any  gross  interference  with  their  enjoy- 


j  ment  was  attempted  by  the  miserabb 
1  lackeys  of  any  feudal   satrap.     What 
I  really  happened  was  that  they  were  both 
'rather  badly  stung  by  some  ill-con- 
ditioned sea-anemones,  and  had  to  beat 
a  hasty  retreat  amid  the  sympathetic 
cheers  of  the  populace.     Their  count- 
less admirers  will  be  rejoiced  to  learn 
that,   both   patients  are    convalescent, 
and  that  Mr.  HARCOURT  is  already  so 
far  recovered  that  he  was  able,  accord- 
ing to  latest  advices,  to  take  a  little 
arrowroot  for  breakfast. 

The  statement  that  Mr.  SAMUEL,  M.P., 
was  recently  attacked  by  a  venomous 
snake  while  shooting  oyster-catchers 
on  his  own  oyster-beds,  is,  we  are 
g!ad  to  say,  much  exaggerated.  It 
appears  that  one  of  the  guns,  while  on 
the  way  to  the  shoot,  flushed  a  tame 
Welsh  rabbit  and  brought  it  down,  to 
the  inconsolable  grief  of  its  owner,  a 
venerable  dairy-farmer  named  Owen 
ap-Pendragon.  It  was  owing  to  a  cler- 
ical error  arising  out  of  this  name  that 
the  sensational  report  gained  ground. 
Latest  accounts  make  it  clear  that 


230 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [SEPTEMBKB  27,  1911. 


Mr.  ap-Pcndnigou  lias  been  mollified  by 
a  handsome  solatium  from  the  reckless 
sportsman. 

Erroneous  sU'.ements  having  been 
freely  circulated  that  during  a  recent 
round  of  golf  at  St.  Andrews  Mr. 
BAI.FOUK  partook  of  various  forms  of 
nourishment,  we  are  glad  to  be  able  to 
state.on  the  authority  of  the  Opposition 
leader  himself,  that'  the  only  refresh- 
ment he  indulged  in  was  a  bottle  of 
ginger-beer  washed  down  by  three 
cracknel  biscuits,  two  penny  buns  and 
a  digestive  tabloid. 

THE   MODEEN   ORPHEUS; 

OB,   A  NEW   WAY   FOB  TKOUBADOUHS. 

[A  lady  limncT  hus  diwoveml  that  shf  im- 
proves the  condition  of  her  cows  and  tlie  quality 
of  their  milk  by  playing  the  mandoline  to  tlii-m 


BENEATH  your  casement,  Matchless 

Maid, 

.    Full  oft  I've  longed  to  stand, 
Playing  a  drowsy  serenade 

With  no  unskilful  hand  ; 
But  I  felt  sure  that  you  'd  disown 

A  swain  so  out  of  date 
(Your  worthy  sire,  I've  also  known, 

Could  shoot  uncommon  straight). 

But  now  at  last  a  chance  has  come 

To  sing  my  loving  vows  : 
The  light  guitar  I  '11  gaily  strum 

And  carol  to  your  cows  ; 
•Prom  ten  to  midnight  I  '11  engage, 

Though  rain  in  torrents  falls, 
Unfailingly  to  take  the  stage 

When  they  are  in  their  stalls. 

Hard  by  the  portals  of  their  house 

Or  in  the  dewy  mead 
I'll  play  them  little  lumps   of 

STBAUSS, 

And  bits  of  EZRA  READ, 
Or    comic    songs,   though   some   of 

these 

Perhaps  'twere  wise  to  slum  ; 
"  Ginger,  you're  balmy  !  "  might  not 

please 
Dora,  your  docile  dun. 

So  late,  so  oft,  I  '11  linger  there, 

Their  coats  shall  shine  like  silk, 
And  further  proofs  of  Harold's  care 

Will  como  home  with  the  milk  ; 
And  they  will  plead  my  cause  with 
you, 

My  advocates  they'll  be, 
Since  every  lowing  voice  will  moo 

Soft  memories  of  me. 

Where  to  find  the  Doctor. 

''The  remedy  used  by  most  rural  folk  is  to 
liathe  the  wound  with  sweet  oil  and  administer 
a  fomentation  of  ammonia.  The  aid  of  a  doctor 
should  always  lie  sought,  however,  to  arrest 
complications. 

This  creature  is  found  in  chalky  and  stony 
districts,  and  sometimes  frequents  heaths  and 
wdodlands."—  Soutl/eiul  Daily  Pusl. 


THE   FACE   ON   THE   WALL. 

\\K  were  talking  of  the  supernatural 

—that  endlessly  alluring  theme  — 
and  most  of  us  had  related  our  pet 
instance,  without,  however,  producing 
much  efl'ect.  The  little  man  with  the 
anxious  white  face  had  been  silent, 
until  someone  said  to  him — "And 
you,  Sir,  have  you  no  story  for  us  '> 

He  thought  a  moment.  "  Well," 
he  said,  "  not  a  story  in  the  ordinary 
sense  of  the  word — nothing,  that  is, 
from  hearsay,  like  most  of  your 
examples.  Truth  I  always  hold  is 
not  only  vastly  stranger  than  fiction 
hut  also  vastly  more  interesting.  I 
could  tell  you  an  occurrence  which 
happened  to  me  psrsonally,  and  which, 
oddly  enough,  completed  itself  only 
this  morning." 

We  begged  him  to  begin. 

"  A  year  or  so  ago,"  he  said,  "  I  was 
in  rooms  in  Great  Ormond  Street — an 
old  house  on  the  Holborn  side.  The 
bedroom  walls  had  been  distempered 
by  a  previous  tenant,  but  the  place 
was  damp  and  grea;  patches  of  dis- 
colouration had  broken  out.  One  of 
these — as  indeed  often  happens — was 
exactly  like  a  human  face,  but  more 
faithfully  and  startlingly  like  than  is 
customary.  Lying  in  bed  in  the 
morning  and  putting  off  getting  up, 
I  used  to  watch  it  and  watch  it,  and 
gradually  I  came  to  think  of  it  as  real 
— as  my  fellow-lodger,  in  fact.  The 
odd  thing  was  that,  while  the  other 
patches  on  the  walls  grew  larger  and 
changed  their  contours,  this  one  never 
did.  It  remained  identically  the  same. 

"  While  there  I  had  a  very  bad 
attack  of  influenza,  with  complications, 
and  all  day  long  I  had  nothing  to  do 
but  read  or'meditate;  and  it  was  then 
that  this  face  began  to  get  firmer  hold 
of  me.  It  grew  more  and  more  real 
and  remarkable.  It  dominated  my 
thoughts  day  and  night.  There  was  a 
curious  turn  to  the  uose,  and  the  slant 
of  the  forehead  was  unique.  It  was, 
in  fact,  full  of  individuality — the  face 
of  a  man  apart,  a  man  in  a  thousand. 

"Well,  I  got  better,  but  the  lace 
still  controlled  me.  I  found  myself 
searching  the  streets  for  one  like  it. 
Somewhere,  I  was  convinced,  the  real 
man  must  exist,  and  he  and  I  must 
meet.  Why,  1  had  no  notion  ;  I  only 
knew  that  we  two  were  in  some  way 
linked  by  fate.  I  frequented  places 
where  men  congregate  in  large  num- 
bers —  political  meetings,  football 
matches,  the  railway  stations  where 
the  suburban  trains  pour  forth  their 
legions  on  the  City  in  the  morning 
and  receive  them  again  in  the  evening. 
But  all  in  vain.  I  had  never  before 
realized,  as  I  then  did,  how  many 


different  faces  of  man  there  are,  and 
how  few.  For  all  differ,  and  yet, 
classified,  they  belong  only  to  as 
many  types  as  you  can  count  on  your 
hands. 

"  The  search  became  a  mania  with 
me.  I  neglected  everything  else.  I 
stood  at  busy  corners  watching  the 
crowd  until  people  thought  me  crazy 
and  the  police  began  to  know  me  and 
be  suspicious.  Women  I  never  glanced 
at ;  men,  men,  men,  all  the  time." 

He  passed  his  hand  wearily  over 
his  brow. 

"  And  then,"  he  continued,  "  at  last 
I  saw  him.  Ho  was  in  a  taxi,  driving 
East  along  Piccadilly.  I  turned  and 
ran  beside  it  for  a  little  way,  and  then 
saw  an  empty  one  coming.  '  Follow 
that  taxi,'  I  gasped,  and  leaped  in. 
The  driver  managed  to  keep  it  in  sight, 
and  it  took  us  to  Charing  Cross.  I 
rushed  on  to  the  platform  and  found 
my  man  with  two  ladies  and  a  little 
girl.  They  were  going  to  France  by 
the  2.20.  I  hung  about  to  try  to  get 
a  word  with  him,  but  in  vain.  Other 
friends  had  joined  the  party,  and  th^y 
moved  to  the  train  in  a  solid  body. 

"I  hastily  purchased  a  ticket  to 
Folkestone,  hoping  that  I  should  catch 
him  before  he  sailed  ;  but  at  Folkestone 
he  got  on  board  before  me,  with  his 
friends,  and  they  disappeared  into  a 
large  private  saloon,  several  cabins 
thrown  into  one.  Evidently  he  was  a 
man  of  wealth. 

"  Again  I  was  foiled  ;  but  I  deter- 
mined to  cross  too,  feeling  certain  that 
when  the  voyage  had  begun  he  would 
leave  the  ladies  and  come  out  for  a 
stroll  on  the  deck.  I  had  only  just 
enough  for  a  single  fare  to  Boulogne, 
but  nothing  could  shake  me  now. 
I  took  up  my  position  opposite  the 
saloon  door  and  waited.  After  half- 
an-hour  the  door  opened  and  he  came 
out,  but  with  the  little  girl.  My  heart 
beat  so  that  it  seemed  to  shake  the 
boat  more  than  the  propeller.  There 
was  no  mistaking  the  face — every  line 
was  the  same.  He  glanced  at  me  and 
moved  towards  the  companion-way 
for  the  upper  deck.  It  was  now  or 
never,  I  felt.  '  Excuse  me,  Sir,'  I 
stammered,  '  but  do  you  mind  giving 
me  your  card.  I  have  a  very  important 
reason  for  wishing  to  communicate 
with  you.'  He  seemed  to  be  aston- 
ished, as  indeed  well  he  might;  but  he 
complied.  With  extreme  deliberation 
lie  took  out  his  card  and  hurried  on 
with  the  little  girl.  It  was  clear  that 
he  thought  me  a  lunatic,  and  considered 
it  wiser  to  humour  me  than  not. 

"  Clutching  the  card,  I  hurried  to  a 
deserted  corner  of  the  ship  and  read  it. 
My  eyes  dimmed  :  my  head  swam  :  for 
on  it  were  the  words  "  Mr.  Ormond 


PUNCH,    (,li   TIN.]    LONDON 


<^% 
^       ( 


Rector  (fonrludiHydisrussiou  .with  confinnal  pessimist).  "WEU,,  YOU  IIAII  AN  EARLY  HARVEST,  ANYWAY." 
Confirmed  Pessimist  (yrudffinglg).   '-V-r.-s;    BUT  LOOK  WOT  A  TURRIM.E  LONO  WINTER  IT  'i.i.'  MAKE." 


Wall,"   with  an  address  at  Pittsburg 
U.S.A. 

"  I  remember  no  more  until  I  found 
myself  in  a  hospital  in  Boulogne.  There 
I  lay  in  a  broken  condition  for  weeks 
and  only  a  month  ago  did  I  return." 

lie  was  silent.  We  looked  at  him 
and  at  one  another  and  waited. 

"  I  went  back,"  he  resumed  after  a 
moment  or  so, "  to  Great  Ormond  Street 
and  set  to  work  to  discover  all  I  could 
about  this  American  in  whose  life  I  had 
so  mysteriously  intervened.  I  wrote 
to  Pittsburg;  I  wrote  to  American 
editors;  I  cultivated  the  society  of 
Americans  in  London;  but  all  that  I 
could  find  out  was  that  he  was  a  mil- 
lionaire, with  English  parents  who  had 
resided  in  London.  But  where?  To 
that  question  I  received  no  answer. 

"  And  so  the  time  went  on  until 
yesterday  morning.  I  had  gone  to  bed 
more  than  usudly  tired  and  slept  till 
late.  When  I  awoke  the  sun  was 
streaming  into  the  room.  As  I  always 
do,  1  looked  at  once  at  the  wall  on 
which  the  face  is  to  be  seen.  I  rubbed 
my  eyes  and  sprang  up  in  alarm.  It 
was  only  partly  visible.  Last  night  it 


had  been  as  clear  as  ever ;  almost  I 
could  hear  it  speak.  And  now  it  was 
but  a  ghost  of  itself. 

"  I  got  up,  dazed  and  dejected,  and 
went  out.  The  early  editions  of  the 
evening  papers  were  already  out,  and 
on  the  contents  bill  I  saw  '  American 
Millionaire's  Motor  Accident.'  I  boughl 
a  copy  and  read  at  once  what  I  knew  1 
should  read.  Mr.  Ormond  Wall,  the 
Pittsburg  millionaire,  and  party,  motor- 
ing from  Spszzia  to  Pisa,  had  come 
into  collision  with  a  waggon  and  were 
overturned.  Mr.  Wall's  condition  was 
critical.  I  went  back  to  my  room, 
itill  dazed,  and  sat  on  the  bad  looking 
at  the  face  on  the  wall.  And,  even  as 

looked,  suddenly  it  disappeared. 

"  This  morning  I  found  that  Mr.  Wall 
bad  succumbed  to  his  injuries  at  what 
I  take  to  be  that  very  moment." 

Again  he  was  silent. 

'!  Most   remarkable !  "   we   all   said. 
'Most  extraordinary!"  an:l  so  forth. 
And  we  meant  it  too. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  man  at  last,  "  there 
are  three  extraordinary,  three  most 
remarkable,  things  about  my  story. 
One  is  that  it  should  be  possible  for 


discolouration  in  a  lodging-house  in 
London  not  only  to  form  the  features 
of  a  gentleman  in  America,  but  to 
have  this  intimate  association  with 
his  existence.  It  will  take  science 
some  time  to  explain  that.  Another 
is  that  that  gentleman's  name  should 
boar  any  relation  to  the  spot  on  whicli 
his  features  were  being  so  curiously 
reproduced  by  some  mysterious  agency. 
Is  it  not  so  ?" 

We  agreed  with  him,  and  our  original 
discussion  on  supernatural  manifest- 
ations ask  in  again  with  increased 
excitement,  during  whicli  the  narrator 
of  this  amazing  experience  rose  and 
said  "  Good-night."  Just  as  he  was  at 
the  door  one  of  the  company  recalled 
us  to  the  cause  of  our  excited  debate 
by  asking  him  before  he  left  what  he 
considered  to  be  the  third  extraordinary 
tiling  in  connection  with  his  deeply 
interesting  story.  "  You  said  three 
things,  you  know." 

"  Oh,  the  third  thing,"  lie  said,  as 
:ie  opened  the  door  ;  "  I  was  forgetting 
hat.     The  third  extraordinary   tiling 
about  the  story  is  that  I  made  it  up 
an  hour  ago.     Good-night  again." 


•232 


PUNCH,  "OR"  THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER  27,  lilll. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
THERE  was  once  a  man  named  London  Dodd,  artist  and 
virtuoso,  who,  after  various  adventures  in  Pans  and  San 
Francisco  turned  liis  attention  to  the  bouth  Seas,  dabbled 
in  opium,  failed,  received  a  legacy,  and  at  last  became  an 
amateur  schooner  captain.  I  dont  know  whether  Mr. 
LLOYD  OSBOURNE  (part  author  of  The  Wrecker)  had  the 
gentleman  in  his  mind  when  he  wrote  The  Kingdoms  of  the 
World  (METHUEN),  but  there  is  something  m  the  career  of 
Matthew  Broiujhton,  who,  reversing  the  process,  leaves  the 
islands  to  look  for  a  job 
on  the  mainland,  which 
reminds  me  (alas  !  too 
faintly)  of  the  whimsical 
fortunes  of  Jim  Pinker- 
ton's  friend.  For  Mr.  Matt 
Bromjhton  is  no  idler,  but , 
a  downright  hard-working  j 
young  man,  in  love  with  j 
a  beautiful  girl,  but  dog- 
ged by  ill-fortune  because 
he  alone  possesses  the  i 
knowledge  of  the  where- 
abouts of  John  Mart,  white 
king  of  a  tropical  island, 
but  earnestly  sought  after 
by  personages  of  great 
importance  in  another 
hemisphere.  Mr.  LLOYD 
OSBOURNE  knows  how  to 
keep  our  interest  from 
flagging,  he  has  plenty  of 
humour  (was  he  not  also 
part  author  of  The  Wrong 
Box  ?),  and  no  one  can 
give  him  points  in  the 
matter  of  rigging  and 
sailing  a  yacht  and  run- 
ning a  motor-car.  But 
though  he  has  spun  us  a 
very  tidy  yarn  of  mystery 
I  sometimes  think  that 
there  is  only  one  secret 
hidden  in  the  South  Seas, 
and  that  is  the  magic  ol 
a  golden  pen  which  lies 
buried  in  Samoa. 


down  to  the  hardened  old  cynic,  Adam  Doolittle,  her 
characters  are  beyond  reproach.  Never  has  such  impartial 
justice  been  done  to  her  own  sex  by  a  woman,  and  rarely 
has  tho  inner  knowledge  of  the  female  been  so  skilfully 
blent  with  the  outside  observation  of  the  male  as  in  the 
presentation  of  that  attractive  child  of  nature,  Molly 
Merryv-eathcr. 

To  conclude  a  notice  which  is  intended  for  a  whole- 
hearted recommendation,  plot  notwithstanding,  be  it  re- 
marked that,  of  the  many  good  and  humorous  things  that 
our  authoress  has  to  say,  all  are  said  from  conviction  and 
with  a  purpose,  and  none  merely  for  effect. 


Not  until  I  had  done 
with  my  pleasure  of  read- 
ing The  Millsr  of  Old 
Church  (MLRHAY)  and  had 


THE  WORLD'S   WORKERS. 

IX. — A  RACING  REPORTER  TRYING  TO  IMPROVE  ON  HIS  VSUAL  HAPPY 
PHRASE,  "THE  YOUNGSTERS  WHO  FACED  THE  BARRIER  FOR  THE  TATTENHAM 
NURSERY  NUMBERED  ONE  SHORT  OF  A  BAKER'S  DOZEN." 


Scandal  about  QUEEN 
ELIZABETH  has  long  been 
a  tempting  bait,  both  for 
the  novelist  and  the  his- 
torian. It  has  now  im- 
pelled Mr.  H.  C.  BAILEY 
to  write  The  Lonely  Queen 
(METHUEN).  Putting 
aside  a  certain  prejudice, 
to  which  I  must  confess, 
against  the  "predestined" 
type  of  story,  I  find  this 
as  clever  a  piece  of  fic- 
tion as  I  have  read  for 
some  time.  Naturally  its 
interest  depends,  not  on 
the  question  of  "  whether 
she  marries  him  in  the 
end,"  but  on  the  draw- 
ing of  the  central  char- 
acter. It  is  a  deserved 
tribute  to  Mr.  BA:LEY  to 
say  that  this  seems  to  me 
to  have  been  done  with 
quite  remarkable  skill. 
From  the  moment  when 
ELIZABETH  is  first  met, 
a  neglected  child  full  of 
precocious  cunning,  at 
that  strange  Court  crowd- 
ed with  past  or  pro- 
spsctive  relations-in-law 
of  the  royal  widower  her 
father,  she  is  a  human 
being,  absolutely  alive. 
There  is  nothing  here  of 
the  gorgeously-draped 
lay-figure  familiar  in 
historical  novels.  This 
ELIZABETH,  with  her 
craft,  her  controlled  pas- 


forced    myself  to   consider  it  from   a  business  point   of  j  sion,  her  egotism,  is  shown  to  us  altogether  the  creature 
view    did    it   occur    to    me    that    the    story    is    a    very!  of  her   circumstances    and  development.      It  is  fine   and 


ancient    one,  and 
very  lavish   with 


that   Miss  ELLEN  GLASGOW   has  been 


subtle  portraiture.     There  are  other  minor  sketches,  minia- 

coincidence  and  death  to  attain  her  tures  of  character,  surrounding  the  central  figure :  her 
happy  solution  of  it.  As  long  as  lovers  persist  in  first  love,  the  Lord  Admiral  SEYMOUR  ;  her  sister  MARY 
marrying  unlovei  strangers  because  their  beloved  is  and  the  Spanish  consort ;  her  brother  the  boy  KING 
momentarily  recusant,  the  author  has  no  alternative  but  I  (who  fares  remarkably  ill  at  Mr.  BAILEY'S  hands),  and 
opportunely  to  destroy  the  stranger  if  there  is  to  be  a  j  many  besides.  Together  they  make  up  a  book  that  is 
satisfactory  conclusion ;  and  the  more  lovers  there  are  who  exceedingly  well  worth  reading, 
behave  thus  foolishly  (there  are  many  in  this  book)  the  more 
destruction  must  there  be.  But  Nature  herself  is  not  above 
ancient  plots,  sometimes  destroys,  a  stranger  or  two,  and 


certainly  is  not  wholly  innocent  of  opportune  coincidence. 
At  any  rate,  the  persons  of  Her  caste  are  exactly  as  Miss 
GLASGOW  portrays  them.  From  the  fine  fool  of  a  miller 


The  Times  on  the  Irish  railway  strike  : 

"One   message  from  the  Midlands  says:  'The  supply  of  Guinness 


porter  is  practically  exhausted,   and  a  strong  feeling  exists  that  the 

Government  should  now  intervene."  " 

It  might  send  over  a  South  Western  porter  or  two. 


OCTOKKR  4,  1!)1  !.; 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


homCBOpathio  treat  incut. 

In  The  Daily  Mail  we  read :  "  On 
the  Severn,  at  Keinpscy,  300  anglers 
fished  for  Tlie  Daily  Mirror  cup  and 


CHARIVARIA. 

FROM  The  Daily  Telegraph's  sum- 
mary of  (lie  world's  news,  containing 
notes  of  disaster,  unrest  and  upheavals, 
we  cull  the  following  item  : — "  The 
Clunk  in  the  Armour,  our  serial  story, 
is  continued  on  page  7." 

medals."     Whether  fiey  caught  them 

No   sooner   had    we    mastered    the 'or  not,  nobody  can  say  that  this  kind 
geographical   position   of    Agadir   and  '  of  sport  is  really  brutal, 
learnt  all  thosa    facts  which  a  young  | 

man  ought  to  know  about  Morocco,  M.  QUENISSET,  at  Juvisy,  and  Mr. 
than  Italy  starts  operations  on  Tripoli.  F.  G.  BROWN,  at  Lee,  have  simul- 
So  now  we  shall  have  to  begin  all  over  taneously  discovered  a  new  comet. 
again  ;  but,  mind,  this  is  the  last  time.  The  fairest  method  of  division  will 
If  any  other  European  State  - 
starts  business  in  thesa  out-of- 
the-way  spots,  it  will  bs  without 
recognition  on  our  part. 

:!:      :;: 

There  is  one  note  of  relief  to 
the  '  p-evalent  disputes,  internal 
and  international.  The  West- 
minster Gazette  has  publicly  for- 
given Tariff  Keformers  for  their 
jubilition  over  the  issue  of  the 
Canadian  elections. 
•-;•  * 

That  autumn  has  officially  be- 
gun is  apparent  from  the  fact 
that  those  persons  who,  for  rea- 
sons best  known  to  themselves 
take  a  daily  cold  bath,  are  now 
resuming  their  virtuous  airs. 

;;:     :;: 

The  pursuit  of  the  boojum,  the 
mysterious  animal  at  random  in 
Sussex,  is  being  maintained  with 
great  activity.  In  spite  of  the 
optimism  of  The  Daily  Mail, 
grave  fears  are  entertained  that 
the  boojum  may  turn  out  not  to 
be  a  snark  after  all. 


prohibition,  she  has  now  been  ordered!  a  duke.  It  now  remains  for  Mr. 
to  be  detained  in  an  English  gaol  for  LI...U,  I.IOKUK  to  apeak  in  return  ii 
three  months.  This  is,  of  course,  tin;  kind  word  for  the  dukes. 


Ulster,    in    the    worst    event, 
is   going  to  demand   a   separate 
government  for  herself.     Rather 
than   put    up   with    Home   Eule,   she 
would  adopt  home  rule. 

When  one  read  the  other  day  that 
the  naval  airship  was  inflated,  one 
knew  at  once  that  this  was  the  pride 
that  comes  before  a  fall. 

The  millionaire  who  left  the  Olympic 
in  such  a  hurry  and  at  once  chartered 
a  special  to  catch  another  at  Liverpool, 
makes  much  of  his  race  against  time. 
It  is  like  these  millionaires  to  imagine 
that  Time  varies  his  ordinary  pace  just 
to  comp'.ta  with  them. 

A  foreign  woman,  having  cause,  some 
time  ago,  to  appear  before  the  Liverpool 
magistrates,  was  forbidden  by  an  ex- 
pulsion order  to  set  foot  in  England 
aga:n.  Having  done  so  in  spi^e  of  the 


FORCE  OF  HABIT. 

THE   RESULT  OF  TOO   LONG  A  HOLIDAY. 


be  for  the  former  to  split  it  into  halves, 
and  for  the  latter  to  have  first  choice. 

*  * 

9 

"  Many  an  inquisitive  telescope  will 
be  raised  to  the  heavens  during  the 
next  few  days  to  look  at  it,"  says  a 
provincial  newspaper.  Still,  the  best 
way  (even  if  old-fashioned)  of  satisfying 
curiosity  would  be  to  look  for  the 

object  by  night. 

$  $ 

Mr.  JOHN  REDMOND,  having  enter- 
tained the  Eighty  Club  at  Dublin,  is  to 
be  the  guest  of  the  Ninety-Five  Club 
at  Manchester,  thus  showing  an  im- 
provement of  18  75  per  cent. 

:;:     :',: 

Mr.  FAY  has  generously  informed 
the  Railway  Commission  that  person- 
ally ho  would  as  soon  shake  hands 
with  a  Trades  Union  official  as  with 


0    !!.  .\siv\\  i  IH  has  been  invited 
to  go  t..  AI>T«cMi,.  r..stle,  the  w 
Lord  CAHJIIXOTOX.      Wo  hop.;  that  lie 
will  settle  the  dispute,  \\|,.ti, 

TheCltA  ,!•  TIM:  K\<  M.^I  i.u 

has  threatened  England  that,  if  she 
refuses  to  have  his  Insurance  liill,  she 
shall  be  made  to  go  without.  It  in  a 
little  difficult  to  know  what  to  say  next. 

A  doctor's  generalisation  that  all 
stepmothers  are  cruel  has  caused 
an  outburst  of  public  feelin; 

i  Rev.  J.    CAKTUELL-RoillXsox   has 

saved  the  situation  and  brought 
it  within  the  legitimate  sphere 
of  humour  by  a  timely  reference 
to  mothers-in-law. 

* .  * 

Meanwhile    it   has   transpired 
that  stepmothers  are  of  the  unun- 
jimous  opinion  that  stepmothers 
are   not    cruel.     They    certainly 
ought  to  know. 

*  * 

Real   grese   are   to  appear  nt 
Covent  Garden  in  HUMPKKDIXCK'S 
,  new  opera,  Konigskinder.     Since 
'  their  celebrated  performance  en 
the  Roman   Capitol,    they   liavc 
been,     theatrically     speaking, 
"  resting." 

* 

"  Is  sunstroke  an  accident  ?  " 
was  the  question  raised  t  ho  other 
day  at  a  County  Couit.  Of  COUTSJ. 
Is  it  to  lio  supposed  that  the  sun 
(who  is  a  gentleman)  would  strike 
a  man  from  behind  on  purpose? 

«e^« 

Mr.  DENMAN  has  commented, 
at  Marylebone  Police-court,  on 
the  absurd  demand  by  women  for 
separation  orders,  one  of  them  having 
alleged  so  trivial  an  excuse  as  that  she 
had  been  marrio.l  to  the  wrong  man  by 
mistake.  ...  « 

As  the  demand  for  alcoholic  liquor 
diminishes,  the  thirst  for  information 
increases.  Three  men  have  been  charg<  d 
at  Liverpool  with  stealing  700  do/.tn 
newspapers.  *  $ 

Now  that  we  have  13'5  guns  capable 
of  smashing  windows  several  miles  dis- 
tant by  concussion  we  must  modify  an 
old  proverb.  People  who  live  in  glass 
houses  shouldn't. 

Cause  and  Effect? 
••Joiixsiis  KKTIKES. 

Tl'KKKV's    Av.~ 

"   iMlillJ   .I/Ill'."'    / 


'2S4 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  4,  1911. 


A    MAN    OF    PEACE. 

[The  General  Mumper  of  tin'  North-Kiistmi. 
giving  evidence  IK-IOI-C  tlic  Railway  I'ominisxiun, 
expressed  a  wisli  that  they  could  have  a  revised 
vocabulary  fur  strikes.] 

I  SAW  his  eyeballs  rolling  reel ; 

I  saw  his  savage  teeth  ; 
I  also  notice:!  on  his  head 

A  simple  olive  wreath. 

"Good  labouring  man,  I  see  you  wear 
The  sign  of 'Peace,"  said  I ; 

"  How  comes  it,  then,  you  have  an  air 
"So  warlike?  Tell  me  why." 

"I  has  my  orders  straight,"  said  he, 
"  To  teach  this  blackleg  lot, 

They  '<!  better  strike  in  sympathy, 
Or  else  they  gets  it  hot."  ; 

• 

"  If  I  correctly  grasp  your  phrase, 

You  are,"  I  said,  "  at  fault 
Thus  to  convert  them  from  their  ways 

By  violent  assault." 

J 

"  Not  vi'Ience,  guv'nor — no,  not  that ; 

We  just  puts  in  our  spoke 
Talking  persuasive  "  (here  he  spat) 
""Like  brothers/bloke  to  bloke. 

"  And,  if  they  don't  agree,  why  then 

We  takes  a  firmer  line, 
And,  ten  to  one,  all  loyal  men, 

Hustles  the  dirty  swine.  .. 

"We  hunts  'em  home  with  jeers  and 
hoots,  „      ..^  , 

\Ve  scares  their  kids  and  wives,    f 
We  makes  'em  shake  inside  their  boots 

For  terror  of  their  lives." 

"If  private  freedom  you  invade    : 

And  to  persuasion  add 
Intitrridation's  dreadful  aid, 

What  means  this  wreath,  my  lad  ? 

"Such  rude  behaviour  makes,"  I  said, 

"  The  wonder  still  increase     ..  j 
Why  you  should  wear  upon  your  head 
.  The  holy  sign  of  Peace  ?  ".    . 

'  What  do  I  wear  this  green  stuff  for '.'  " 

Eeplied  that' labouring  man'; 
"  To  show  I  "m  not  a  man  o'  war 
"'Nor  yet  no  hooligan.    '»." 

"  Don't  fret  yourself  for  me,  old  sport, 

The  coppers'  hands  is 'tie'd; 
c;  We  got  the  Government's  support ; 

We  got  the  Law  our  side. 

"  How  is  it  done  ?     We  keeps  a  tame 

Vocablery,  and  there 
They  knows  me  by  the  blessed  name 

Of '  Peaceful  Picketer.'  "          0.  S. 


Extract  from  a  speech  by  the  Presi- 
dent of  California  University  : — 

"There  is  an  ancient  rule  of  health  which  runs 
in  this  fashion:  'Rise  early,  lie  fore  you  are 
twenty-five,  if  possible. '" 

People  who  stay  in  bed  till  they  are 
twenty-six  never  look  really  healthy. 


THE    LAIRD    AND    THE 
MEENISTER. 

(After  "  Toy  Pay") 

OF  all  the  stately  houses  at  which  it 
has  bsen  my  lot  to  be  an  honoured 
guest  none  has  impressed  me  so 
strongly  with  its  hospitable  culture  as 
Skibo  Castle.  From  the  first  notics  at 
the  entry  to  the  domain,  "  This  wa  tu 
the  goff'  linx,"  the  keynote  of  culture 
is  struck. 

But  when  I  entered  the  stately 
dining  hall,  a  little  while  ago,  and  beheld  : 
twelve  stalwart  pipers  playing  beneath 
a  motto,  "  Peas  and  Good  Will,"  whilst 
my  .host,  and  the  kilted  CHANCELLOR 
danced  a  gay  reel  before  dinner  I  felt 
that  this  was  one  of  the  greatest  days 
of  my  life. 

I  can  but  Boswellise  such  fragments  \ 
of  conversation  as  I  caught  during  the  ! 
meal  at  the  moments  when  the  pipers 
stopped  from  exhaustion. 

"Although,  of  course,  of  pure  Welsh 
blood,  I  was  actually  born  in  Man- 
c'hester,"said IheCiUNCELLOn.  ("Order 
Manchester  five  Free  Libraries,"  said 
Mr.  CARNEGIE  td  the  Library  Secretary, 
who  always  stands  behind  him  at  a  ! 
meal.)  "  But  I  owe  everything  to  the 
inspiration  of  the  wonderful  Welsh 
hills  nearCriccieth."  ("See  if  Criccieth 
has  had  a  Library.  If  not,  why  not  ?  " 
murmured  the  Laird.)  "  Had  it  not 
been  for  Criccieth  there  might  have 
been  no  Lhnehouse."  ("Limehouse, 
one,.  Make  a  note  of  it,"  said  Mr. 
CARNEGIE).  "From  a  child  the  tyranny  j 
of  the  landed  proprietors  sank  deeply 
into  my  soul ;  now  they  talk  about  my 
tyranny- " 

"  Just  their  lack  of  culture,"  inter- 
rupted Mr.  CARNEGIE.  "  If  they  'd  had 
a  Library  in  the  neighbourhood  .they  'd 
have  been  reading  my  '  Triumphant 
Democracy,'  a  work  without  which  no 
Library  is  complete." 
-  •  •., '  *  >  '  -::-  -;:•  -z  -;:• 

"Now  if  you  could  use  your  in- 
fluence to  introduce  phonetic  spelling 
into -Wales— —  " 

.-"My  dear  Sir,"  exclaimed  the 
CHANCELLOR  with  sparkling  eye.s, 
"-Welsh  is  the  only  language  -.which 
is  spelt  precisely  as  it  is  pronounced." 

"  Make  a  note,"  said  Mr.  CARNEGIE 
to  his  secretary,  "  to  provide  a  National 
Welsh  Library  at  Aberystwith." 


tectives  ;  put  up  a  notice,  '  We  shall 
shute  if  yu  kum,'  so  that  the  strikers 
will  readily  comprehend  it ;  provide  <i 
Free  Library  for  the  defenders,  and  there 
you  are." 

"But,  my  dear  Laird,  what  about 
the  votes?  " 

"  You  see,"  said  the  CHANCELLOR, 
"you  pay  fourpence  a  week  and  get  nine 
pennyworth  of  benefit.  The  sick  get 
attention,  the  unemployed  relief,  the 
doctors  get  more  pay,  the  employers  get 
better  labour." 

"Why,  your  Bill  is  almost  as  great  a 
blessing  as  a  Protective  Tariff." 

"  And  yet,"  sighed  the  CHANCELLOR, 
"people  are  discontented  with  it." 

"Just  the  same  with  a  Protective 
Tariff.  But  dear  rails  in  the  States 
mean  cheap  Libraries  here." 

-::-        -    -::-  *  •::• 

"  The  bravest  deed  I  ever  hoard  of !  " 
said  the  CHANCELLOR  meditatively.  "  It 
was  during  the  recent  strike.  We  felt 
strongly  that  the  ordinary  routine  of 
civilization  must  go  on.  Unless  the 
Post-Office  could  bo  kept  in  operation 
there  would  be  serious  difficulty  and 
delay  in  the  .collection  of  the  taxes. 
So  with  calm  courage  my  colleague, 
SAMUEL,  faced  the  Dictator,  and  de- 
manded passes  for  the  mails." 

"  Splendid  ! "  cried  the  Laird.  "  Make 
a  note  of  the  POSTMASTER-GENERAL'S 
name  for  the  Hero  Fund." 

"  Hurroo  !  "  I  shouted,  carried  away 
by  this  prompt  tribute  to  bravery.  The 
Laird's  genial  eye  settled  upon  me. 
"And  two  Free  Libraries  for  the  Scot- 
land division  of  Liverpool,"  he  added. 
"  They  'd  better  throw  books  than 
bottles  there." 


"My  idea -about  the  settlement  of 
Labour  disputes  is  the  intervention  of 
a  man  of  supreme  tact  at  the  critical 
moment." 

"  No,  Sir,"  said  the  millionaire,  "  you 
should  take  a  hint  from  Pittsburgh 
where  I  made  my  pile.  Surround  your 
works  with  barbed  wire  fencing ;  charter 
an  armed  force  of  PINKEHTON'S  de-'  the  mind's  eye. 


Our  Foreign  Correspondents. 
Two  examples  of  the  business  letter 
from  abroad,  showing  the  commercial 
mind  at  work : — 

(1)  From  Japan:  — 

"Now,  There  have  been  established  so  many 
Shops,  selling  Ham  and  Bacon  from  Japan  in 
the  City.  But  very  sorry  to  spctik,  some  of 
them  are  supplying  with  bad  Ham  which  is  a 
dishonor  to  a  good  one." 

(2)  Front  Malta-;  — 

"  When  addressing  our  argument,  we  humbly 
mean  to  signify  through  (ourselves),  the  con- 
sistence of  a  latent  reflection  on  the  various 
phases  of  the  virulent  epochs  of  commerce, 
where  our  long  experience  and  our  moderate 
skill,  have  methodically  followed  the  strange 
fluctuations,  and  brought  out  practically  a  con- 
clusive end,  firmly  keeping  meanwhile  on  prac- 
tice, (lie  firm's  wttne  old  slumlord  within  the 
limits  of  honour,  in  the  intricate  hints  of  life." 


"  '  Lady  Astyl  is  certainly  much  loved  in 
the  village,'  Clio-loner  agreed,  a  little  stiffly, 
whereat  Saydie — mentally,  so  to  sjieak — made  » 
face. " —  "  iforn  ing  Leader"  fen  il let-on. 

After  all  it  is  absurd  only  to  talk  about 


JNCH._OB  THBJLONDOM  CHAKIV  \IM.-OCTOB*,,  4,  1911 


SCALPS   ON   THE   GREEN. 

SIR  EDWARD  CAKSON   ("  Hir,    Word."  the    Ulster  Brave).  "TIME    TO    BEGIN    THE    WAR    DANCE! 
I    CAN    HEAR    THE    TRAMP    OB1    THE    ENEMY    TWO    YEARS    AWAY." 


OCTOBER  4,  1911.) 


JPUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


237 


BORROWED   NAMES. 

LETTERS  from  various  well-known 
writois  in  reply  to  the  request  of  a 
novelist  that  they  should  consent  to 
the  US3  of  their  names  a:i:ong  his 
dramatis  pzrsonce  have  recently  ap- 
peared in  The  Daily  Chronicle.  We 
are  glad  to  be  able  to  supplement  the 
list  with  a  few  more  characteristic 
answers  from  living  luminaries. 

Thus  Mr.  HENRY  JAMES,  invited  to 
iccept  the  rdle  of  a  dog-fancier,  sent 
';he  following  luminous  reply  : — 

"  Much  as  I  should,  in  ordinary 
circumstances,  and  in  view  of  a  natural 
f  somewhat  detached  predilection  in 
avour  of  poodles,  appreciate  my  identi- 
ication  with  one  who,  presumably, 
cannot  be  supposed  to  be  wholly 
nimical  to  that  attractive  if  strangely 
caparisoned  sub-spechs,  I  must,  I 
ear,  though  even  at  thn  cost  of  a  mis- 
inderstanding  which  I  greatly  deplore, 
leprecate  tho  honour  which  you  so 
rankly  and  beautifully  proposa  to; 
onfer  on  a  novelist  who,  strange : 


own  regret  and  the  surprise  of  those!  their  laconic  reticence,  their  stoicism 
of  his  friends  who  are  more  or  less—  and   the   m-n.™    anrl    rii»ni».v 


or  less 

and  especially  those  who  are  more — 
addicted  to  sport,  kept  a  dog." 

Mr.  ARNOLD  BENNETT  has  written 
from  Villa  Cinq-Villes,  Paris,  as 
follows : — 

"  I  should  have  no  objection  to  your 


and  the  grace  and  dignity  of  their 
deportment  even  when  wearing  old 
clothes.  If,  therefore,  I  am  to  appear 
in  the  guise  of  a  county  magnate,  1  beg 
you  will  bo  careful  to  invest  me  with 
attributes  consonant  with  that  position. 
A  Lord-Lieutenant  should  bo  scrupu- 


using  my  name  as  that  of  a  hatter  if  lously  well-groomed,  a  good  shot,  and 
it  were  not  for  the  fact  that  on  page '  show  a  serene  indifference  to  the 
597  of  my  forthcoming  novel,  Matilda  \  criticisms  of  Labour  leaders.  Above  all 
Moreirays,  I  announca  my  intention  of  he  must  have  a  dog  with  a  Christian 
devoting  the  next  volume  but  fourteen 
of  my  Novel-cycle  to  a  history  of 
the  boyhood  of  Matilda's  fourth  son, 


name. 


Sir  HERBERT  BEEUBOHM   TREE  has 
wired   from  Us  Majesty's  Theatre  to 


Joseph,  who  by  a  curious  coincidence  say   that   he   has   no    scruples    about 

2_  _!_*._    _1          i  1  ,  *'»•»  ,    I 


is  apprenticed  to  a  hatter!  :  In  the 
circumstances  I  must  beg  that  you 
will  abstain  from  associating  my  name 
with  the  calling  in  question,  though  I 
have  no  objection  to  your  affixing  it  to, 
say,  an  operatic  tenor  or  an  American 
oil  king." 

Mr.   JOHN  GALSWORTHY  has  kindly 
consented  to  the  use  of   his  name  as 


appearing  in   a  work   of  fiction  as  a 
distinguished  actor. 


Commercial  Candour. 
"Send    Is.    >;d.    for  a  small  Box  of  Ifullu  ,s 
and  Trimmings.     A  useful  lot.     Money  lost  on 
every  Parcel.  —From  a  Circular. 

"  To  a  vessel  were  conveyed  a  couple  of  loads 


my     damocratis     views 


s   it   may  seem  in  an  age  when  the 

approchcmcnt      between      men      and 

nimals    has    baen    so   markedly   and  '  attitude  towards  the  country  gentry,  I 

nsistently  developed,  has  never,  to  his  readily  admit   their  great   qualities — 


,  of  timber  for  transit  to  Belfast.     A~re*i>onsil>l<- 

Lord-Luutenant  of  Leicestershire.    He  official  refused  to  accept  the  consignment  and 

ordered  the  drivers  to  take  it  back.    The  tiinU-r 
merchants    who   sent    the   stulF    were   equally 


writes : — 
"  Though 


naturally    incline    me     to    a    critical 


determined   in    their  attitude,    and   absolutely 


dr<  lined  to  have  it  desjiutched. 


Then  why  worry  ? 


Daily  Telegraph. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [OCTOBER  4,  mi. 


SOLDIERS    ALL. 

I  living  an  rxlrui-t  IVom  that  iMiimlur  music-hall  sketch  "The  Fighting 
Carson.  ] 

[The  scene  is  an  open  place  before  one  of  the  walled  cities 
on  the  waif  to  Cork.  The  new  Ulster  Constitution 
is  in  bciiiij,  the  salaried  positions  have  been  dis- 
tributed, and  the  Great  March  from  Belfast  to 
Cork  has  begun.  Enter  President  Carson  folloircd 
bi/  Field- Marshal  J.  B.  Lonsdale,  Archbishop 
Craig,  Lord  Chief  Justice  Moore,  and  the  rest  of 
the  indomitable  Orange  Army. 

Field-Marshal  Lonsdale  (to  his  troops).  Now  then,  fall  in 
there,   please.      Knickerbockers   one   pace    to    the   front. 
Trousers  one  pace  back.     That  looks  much  better.     Private 
Tomkins,  I  don't  think  you  will  want  your  macintosh  ;  the 
weather  seems  to  ba  holding  up.     Gentlemen,  the  President 
will  now  address  you  on  the  cvo  of  battle. 
President  Carson.  Gentlemen  of  the  jury — 
A  Voice.  Ass,  we  're  soldiers. 

President  Carson.  My  error;  what  I  meant  to  say  was 

this: 
[He  diaws  his  umbrella  and  holds  it  sternly  above 

his  head. 

Oi  ce  more  unto  the  breach,  dear  friends, once  more; 
Cr  close  the  walls  up  with  our  Ulster  dead ! 
In  peace  there 's  nothing  so  becomes  a  man 
As  (say)  a  tidy  practice  at  the  Bar — 
Confusing  issues,  making  black  look  white, 
And  bullying  a  witness  in  the  box ; 
Bufc  when  the  blast  of  war  blows  in  our  ears 
Then  imitate  the  action  of  the  orange, 
Puff  out  the  cheeks  with  apoplectic  rage 
Well  paragraphed  and  nicely  advertised. 
Then  lend  the  eye  a  terrible  aspect — 
Like  this  ;  and  let  the  overhanging  brow 
Bulging  with  brains  (as  noticed  by  The  Post) 
Give  it  an  air  of  deadly  resolution. 
And  now,  ye  noblest  of  the  Irish  race, 
Whose  blood  is  come  from  fathers  proved  in  words, 
Fathers  that  like  so  many  Edward  Carson  s 
Have  in  these  parts  from"  morn  till  even  talked 

Nor  ever  failed  for  lack  of  argument 

Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  Mr.  Speaker, 
My  lords  and  gentlemen,  your  ludship,  Sir, 
(      The  game 's  afoot !     Courage,  brave  hearts,  and  take 
A  sip  of  water,  clear  your  throats  and  cry, 
Ulster  and  Carson,  Keeper  of  the  Faith  ! 

[Alarums.     Excursions.     Private  Tomkins  breaks 

his  spectacles. 

FieSl-Marshaj,  Lonsdale.  Well,  gentlemen,  you  've  heard 
the  inspiring  address  of  the  President,  and  it  only  remains 
to  put  the  question  to  the  vote. 

Archbishop  Craig.  This  is  not  a  parish  meeting,  idiot, 
it 's  a  forced  inarch. 

F.-M.  Lonsdale.  Tut,  tut,  so  it  is.  Well,  anyhow,  has  ! 
anybody  else  got  anything  to  say  before  we  resume  our  I 
march  ? 

.4  Soldier.  Yes.     How  far  is  it  to  Cork  ? 
F.-M.  Lonsdale.   That  we  shall  ascertain,  I  hope,  at  the 
next  sign-post.     But  it  can't  be  very  far  now. 

The  Soldier.  Oh,  well,  I  thought  I  'd  ask  because  I  've  got 
a  man  coming  to  lunch  on  Thursday. 

Another  Soldier.  How  long  are  we  going  to  stay  in  Cork? 
Archbishop   Craig   (grimlij).    Who   knows  ?      We    may 
never  come  back ! 

The  Soldier.  Then  all  I  can  say  is  I  wish  I  'd  brought 
another  clean  collar.  I  've  only  got  two,  and  one  of  them 
isn't  so  very 


"  GUARDSMAN  "  (D.O.D.) 

DIED  Of  Distemper !     Dread  decree  of  doom— 

Or,  otherwise  expressed,  "  unkindest  cut  "• — - 
To  blight  a  beagle  puppy  in  his  bloom, 

And  glory's  portal  in  his  face  to  shut. 
He  took  a  "  first "  in  the  unentered  class  ; 

The  pride  and  pick  of  all  the  pack  was  he  ; 
Eenown  lay  spread  before  him,  when,  alas! 

He  d.o.d. 
Plumb  straight  was  Guardsman,  splendidly  ribbed  up, 

Plenty  of  heart  room,  finely  carried  stern, 
Wonderful  bone,  a  real  good-looking  pup, 

Brimful  of  character,  and  quick  to  learn. 
On  matters  of  his  pedigree  and  pace 

Verboss  and  fluent  were  we  apt  to  be  ; 
Perhaps  we  swanked  too  much — in  any  case 
He  d.o.d. 

If  in  his  next  world  hares  are  ever  found, 

If  Mercury,  the  flier,  hunts  a  pack, 
If  minor  deities  behind  him  pound, 

With  panting  goddesses,  still  further  back, 
Through  asphodel  will  Guardsman  show  his  worth, 

Hunting  a  line  down  some  Olympian  lea 
And  give  the  field  good  sport— but  here  on  earth 
He  d.o.d. 


F.-M.  Lonsdale.  Silence    in  tho  ranks.      The  President  | 
wishes  to  address  you  again. 

President  Carson.  Methought  I  heard  an  inner  voice  cry 

"  Treason  ! 
Carson      hath     uttered    treason!"       "Carson"    and  i 

"  treason  "- 

Who  but  a  fool  could  put  such  words  together '? 
When  have  I  been  disloyal  to  my  King  '> 
1  fight  his  Army,  yes — but  not  the  King  ; 
I  right  his  Navy,  yes — but  not  the  King; 
I  take  up  arms  against  his  Government, 
But  that  is  not  to  light  against  the  King ; 
When  have  I  hurt  the  person  of  tlys  King, 
I  who  have  taken  oath  to  serve  the  King  ? 
Lord  Chief  Justice  Moore.  I  will  make  a  note  of  your 
point,    President.    Believe   me,    I  quite  appreciate  it."   OI 
course  the  position  is  really  this.      Ulster  will  not  submit  to 
the  Irish  Parliament,  therefore  it  cannot  be  governed  by 
the  Irish  Parliament.     But  it  must  be  governed  somehow, 
therefore  it  is  the  duty  of  every  loyal  and  patriotic  Irish 
man  to  establish  an  Ulster  Parliament.     Now  a  Parliament 
formed  by  loyal  and   patriotic   Irishmen  must  be  a  loyal 
and  patriotic  Parliament,  from  which  it  follows  that  an\ 
Government  which  differs  from  it  is  ipso  facto  disloyal  and 
unpatriotic.      Hence    the    King's   Government    at    West- 
minster  is    disloyal   and    unpatriotic,    and    therefore    in 
resisting  it  by  force  we  are  only  doing  our  duty  as   loyal 
and  patriotic  Irishmen.     That,  I  take  it,  is  the  situation 
in  brief  ? 

A  Soldier.  I  don't  want  to  interrupt,  but  the  situation 
can  be  put  much  more  briefly  than  that.  It 's  simply  this. 
Some  silly  ass  has  forgotten  the  ginger  ale  ! 

TABLEAU.  A.  A.  M. 


The  Eastern  Daily  Press  of  Sept.  20th  remarks  d  propos 
of  the  railway  strike  in  Ireland  : 

"  Uj)  to  last  night  no  mails  hud  reached  Birr  for  forty  years." 
And  we  complain  if  they  're  a  week  late.     "  Wait  till  you 
come  to  forty  year !  "  as  THACKERAY  said. 


OCTOI;EU  4,  1U11.I 


LONDON  CHAWVABL 


23'J 


THE    ROYAL    MUSICAL 

COMMISSION. 
STARTLING  EVIDENCE. 

Tin;  ROVJI]  Musical  Commission  hole, 
its  thirtj'-lirst  sitting  on  Satin  day  last 
The  Commissioners  present  were  Sii 
FHEDEBICK  BRIDGE  (Chairman),  Mr 
THOMAS  BKKCHAM,  the  LOUD  CHIEF 
JUSTICE,  Madame  CLABA  BUTT  anc 
Mr.  ALGERNON  ASH  ION. 

Mr.  HENRY  BIUD,  the  first  witness, 
declared  that  he  had  no  animus  against 
foreigners,  or  indeed  against  anyone. 
Pie  had  accompanied  songs  written  by 
composers  of  every  European  national- 
ity with  equal  zeal,  and  he  might  be 
allowed  to  add  that  he  was  very 
partial  to  Charlotte  Eusse,  Neapolitan 
ices  and  French  beans.  But  he  could 
not  hslp  feeling  gravely  disquieted  by 
the  announcement  that  forty  gesse 
were  to  be  employed  in  the  forthcoming 
production  of  HUMPEKDINCK'S  Konigs- 
kinder,  in  view  of  the  widely-current 
belief  that  they  were  to  be  imported 
from  Strasbourg.  Gastronomically  con- 
sidered, he  was  quite  prepared  to  admit 
the  excellence  of  Strasbourg  geese,  but 
he  was  convinced  that  the  English 
variety  was  fully  equal  to  the  needs 
of  the  situation  alike  in  histrionic 
aptitude,  stage  presence  and  intensity 
of  sibilation. 

Signer  Annibale  Spaghetti,  the 
President  of  the  Amalgamated  Society 
of  Savoyard  Piano-organists,  described 
the  circumstances  which  had  led  to 
the  sympathelic  strike  declared  by 
his  union  during  the  recent  railway 
troubles.  It  was  due,  he  said,  to  the 
friendly  attitude  of  Sir  EDWARD  GREY 
to  the  Young  Turks,  which,  in  view  of 
the  troubles  in  Tripoli,  constituted  a 
deliberate  challenge  to  the  important 
community  settled  in  Saffron  Hill. 
The  music-famine  in  the  East-end  had, 
he  admitted,  been  attended  with  pain- 
ful results,  and  strest-dancing  had 
almost  come  to  a  stand-still ;  but  they 

l~, ,-,  ,3    ,«         i_; •         ii  •     * 


t 


The  Professor. 
VASN'X  SUE?" 


•Xir.v    LET   HE   SEE. 


.     MY     \VIKE     WITH     ME    WHEX     I    STAUTUi,     Ol: 
[T/ie  jKisitiuii  of  lady  in  question  is  indicatrtl  b;i  a  X- 


boycotted  in  England,  he  would  be  un- ;  two   last   witnesses.     It  was   a  great 


had  no  option  in  the  matter.     During   able  to  carry  the  banner  of  England  into  i  privilege,  and  the  consciousness  of  it 

Patagonia,  Waziristan,  Nova  Zembla !  had  supported  him  during  tho  recent 


the  strike  his  men  had  subsisted 
almost  entirely  on  the  flesh  of  their 
monkeys.  (Sensation.) 


and  elsewhere  with  the  same  freedom 
|  that  he  had  hitherto  enjoyed,  and  this, 


unrest.     At  this  point  Sir  Pompey  was 
overcome  by  emotion  and  was  assisted 


j  Tho  Commission  adjourned  for-  a  fort- 


Bamberger    briefly    endorsed  j  night  to  enable  Sir  Pompoy  to  recover 
band's    views  ;      and    Messrs,  fully  before  continuing  his  evidence  on 


Ml1.  Max  Bamberger,  who  wore  a  |  from  the  point  of  view  of  the  Press,  |  from  the  room  by  the  LOUD  Cmu 
kilt  aud  was  attended  by  his  wife  and  j  would  be  little  short  of  a  national 'JUSTICE  and  Madame  CLARA  BUTT 
his  two  twi  i  sons,  Wolfgang  Bartholdy 
and  Johann  Sebastian  Bamberger,  said 
that  his  Scotch  nationality  had  won  for 
bun  rjspect  in  all  quarters  of  the  globe. 
W!i3ii  ho  was  kidnapped  by  terrorists 
at  Odessa,  a  few  words  in  Gaelic  and 
tho  slogan  of  the  Clan  Bamberger  had 
reduced  his  savage  captors  to  coma. 
Personally  he  was  strongly  in  favour  of 
free  trade  in  music,  and  he  knew  that 
his  father-in-law,  Sir  Pompey  Boldero, 
shared  his  views.  If  Bussians  were 


calamity. 

Mrs. 

her   husbaiu 

Wolfgang     Bartlioldy      and      Johann  j  the  subject  of  the  recognition  of  inter- 
Sebastian    Bamberger   indicated   their  J  national  musical  unions, 
approval  in  a  spirited  unisonal  fantasia 
in  the  whole-tone  scale. 

Sir    Pompey    Boldero,    who     next 


Commercial  Candour. 


appeared,  said  that  he  was  the  father!      "During  Fremjec's  Sale  no  one  should  low 
of  Mrs.  Bamberger  and  the  father-in-  time-to  If*"?  their  wquimuent.  for  Xrnw 
law  of  Mr.    Bamberger.     It  was  also 
true  that  he  was  the  grandfather  of  the 


and  Nc 


o   iirocn 
\v  Year 


Presents  Tor  friends  at  Home  and 


here,  as  this  time  the  Sale  will  be  a  bona  foU 
one." — Adel.  i,>  "  M<»lrfis  Mail." 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBKU   4,    1!)11. 


THE    BREAKING    POINT. 

I  AM  not  of  the  tribe  of  tboso 

\Vlio  maim  the  solemn  rites  of  golf 
By  publishing  abroad  their  woes 
Win  ii  things  do  not,  as  they  suppose, 
Come  rightly  oft ; 

Who,  careless  what  the  cause  may  be, 

Give  every  care  an  instant  voiee 
With  terms  suspiciously  like  D — , 
Or,  if  there's  something  still  more  fre?, 
Use  that,  for  choice. 

For  me,  whate'er  of  sorrows  come, 

I  seldom  seem  to  care  a  fig ; 
The  blows  whereat  they  make  things 

hum 

I  bear  with  placid  otinm, 
And  equal  diij. 

If  I  should  leave  the  narrow  "  lino," 

Or  foozle  wheresoe'er  I  go, 
I  think,  no  doubt,  the  fault  was  mine, 
(A  soothing  thing)  and  I  decline 
To  care  a  blow. 

And,  when  some  fair  and  daz/.ling  shot 

Lands  in  a  hazard's  horrid  grip, 
Misfortune  is  the  common  lot, 
I  recollect,  and  I  do  not 
Let  myself  rip. 

And  thus,  secure  from  verbal  lapse, 

I  hold  in  check  my  secret  bile, 
And  wear  upon  my  frosty  chaps 
A  smile — it  is  not  much,  perhaps, 
But  still,  a  smile. 

But,  when  at  length  I  reach  the  goal 

And,  wearing  still  my  stoic  mask, 
Have  nought  before  me  but  to  roll 
The  ball  into  a  yawning  hole 
(An  infant's  task), 

And  when,  for  some  unfathomed  cause, 

That  callous  ball  disdains  the  tin, 
Goes  here,  goes  there,  or  dares  to  pause 
(Ah  piteous !)  on  its  very  jaws, 
But  won't  go  in, 

There  comes  upon  me  such  a  sense 

Of  being  doomed — a  thing  accurst—- 
Of mystery,  of  impotence, 
That  I,  in  very  self-defence, 

Must  speak,  or  burst. 

Ah  yes.    The  harmless  "pooh"  or  "tut" 

Suffice  me,  nine  times  out  of  ten, 
Through  evil  chance  or  error — but 
If  once  Pin  fairly  oft'  my  putt, 
You  hear  me  then. 

DcM-Duic. 

"  Killing  is  to  have  another  All-British  Shop- 
ping Week  this  year.  In  cases  where  the  All- 
British  article  is  dearer  than  the  foreign  article 
it  is  suggested  that  a  special  discount  be  allowed 
to  tin'  public,  thus  making  the  cost  of  the  two 
articles  the  same." — fireplug  .\Vt<-x. 

Why  did  no  one  think  of  this  before  ? 
It  seams  so  simple. 


THE    SUK-SUK. 

"Monu,"  I  said,  "the  Garden  Suburb 
is  full  of  young  wives;  it  is  full  of 
sweetly  pretty  EowAKD-Vli. -style  bijou 
rot  luge  maisonettes;  it  is  full  of  hus- 
bands as  alToelionate  as  I  am;  but  I 
decline  to  believe  that  the  ladies  whom 
I  I  encounter  drifting  about  in  djihbas 
lever  touch  a  brush  or  a  dust-pan,  or 
that  their  abodes  are  so  iminhabitably 
spcckless  as  ours.  Therefore  I  pro- 
i  pose " 

"  I  know  what  you  propose."  Moira 
put  down  the  dust-pan  and  sat  on  the 
!  landing  stairs.  "  You  propose  that  we 
'  should  keep  a  second  servant.  Well, 
it  is  a  peculiarity  of  Garden  Suburb 
bijou  Edwardian  maisonettes  that  the 
kitchen  premises  accommodate  one  ser- 
vant only.  If  we  had  two,  they  would 
have  to  stand  on  each  other's  shoulders : 
the  lower  on3  to  cook,  the  upper  one  to 
polish  the  silver.  When  you  can  find 
a  pair  of  unimpeachably  respectable 
female  acrobats  anxious  to  abandon  the 
glamour  of  the  stage " 

"  My  dear,  you  are  too  hasty  !  "  1 
sat  down  beside  her,  upsetting  the  dust- 
pan through  the  banisters  into  the 
lobby. 

"  Impulsiveness  has  always  been  my 
failing,  hasn't  it  ?  "  She  peered  mourn- 
fully after  the  dust-pan.  "  Yes,  thanks, 
Mary"  (to  the  servant  below),  "you'd 
better  sweep  up  the  pieces  of  that 
electric  -  light  bulb.  A  caller  might 
tread  on  them.  Yes,  dear  ?  "  (to  me). 
"  You  were  proposing  that '?  " 

"  That  we  should  introduce  some 
science  into  our  house  instead  of  this 
wearisome  and  unpractical  hand-work. 
As  SHAW  says,  '  The  human  hand  is  a 
clumsy  tool.'  No  doubt  some  manual 
cleansing  is  unavoidable ;  but  surely 
this  meticulous  attention  to  the  carpets 
and  the  stairs  might  be  done  away 
with  if  we  employed  a  Suk-Suk." 

"  A  what  ?  " 

"  A  Suk-Suk.  It 's  a  new  kind  of 
vacuum  cleaner." 

"  Too  expensive  for  us." 

"  Hasty  again ! "  I  reproved  her.  "  Its 
price  is  one  guinea." 

"  Then  it 's  no  use." 

"That  remains  to  be  discovered.  I 
have  bought  a  Suk-Suk.  The  errand- 
boy  is  at  tlws  moment  delivering  our 
Suk-Suk  at  the  door.  I  knew  that 
unless  I  forced  labour-saving  methods 
on  you  it  would  be  futile  to  plead  for 
them.  Yes,  here  it  is.  (Thank  you, 
Mary.  Yes,  you  can  put  the  parcel 
down  there.)  Now  we  shall  see 
whether  science  cannot  lighten  your 
tasks."  I  proceeded  to  unwrap  the 
Suk-Suk. 

It  emerged  from  its  swathings,  a 
spidery  instrument  with  a  long  metal 


neck  sprouting  from  a  frog-like  pair  of 
hollows  actuated  by  a  sort  of  winch. 
"  Charming,  isn't  it'.'"  I  said.  "It  is 
a  Fr<  nih  invention,  and  just  as  good  as 
our  most  costly  English  things.  The 
1'Yonch  housewife  is  so  practical.  Here 
are  the  directions.'' 

The  leaflet  of  polyglot  instructions 
for  the  u=e  of  the  Suk-Suk  was  adorned 
by  a  coloured  picture  of  an  aproned 
houri  propelling  the  machine,  with 
languid  grace,  across  a  vast  interior. 
The  carpet  was  black,  except  in  the 
wake  of  the  Suk-Stik.  Amazing  Suk- 
kuk  !  Wherever  it  had  browsed  it  re- 
vealed that  the  carpet  (you  'd  never 
have  guessed  it)  was,  beneath  its  grime, 
a  gorgeous  cross  between  Axminster 
and  Persian,  with  a  dash  of  croquet- 
lawn  as  groundwork. 

"That,"  1  said,  pointing  to  the  pic- 
ture, "is  how  the  Suk-Suk  works.  That 
is  what  our  carpets  will  look  like  in 
future." 

"  Let  us  hope  not."  Moira  was 
dubious. 

i  "  Ten  minutes'  run  round  the  house 
of  a  morning  with  the  Suk-Suk,  and 
you'll  he  able  to  go  a-clrifting  in  djibbas 
with  the  best  of  'em,"  I  added  proudly. 

"  Let  us  try  it,"  said  Moira. 

I  placed  the  Suk-Suk  in  position, 
ground  the  winch,  and  directed  the 
mouth  (it  had  a  curious  uncanny  mouth 
— a  sort  of  grin  of  a  mouth — rather  a 
sardonic  grin,  from  certain  aspects)  at 
the  carpet  .  .  . 

The  carpet  didn't,  somehow,  look  so 
very  different.  No  pattern  emerged  in 
the  path  of  the  sai'donie  grin.  How- 
ever, to  expect  anything  else  was 
absurd,  unless  the  Suk-Suk  nibbled 
oft'  the  whole  pile  and  uncovered  the 
foundation  below  ;  for  the  carpet  was 
a  plain  felt. 

"  Is  it  really  gathering  up  the  dust?  " 
asked  Moira.  "  I  don't  see  much  alter- 
ation." 

"  Microscopic  particles  are  whirling 
down  its  rapacious  maw  in  millions," 
I  explained ;  "'It  Gulps  Grime,'  the 
advertisement  says." 

"  Not  in  my  house  !  "  (Moira  is  so 
literal.) 

"  You  cannot  see  the  vanishing  dust, 
of  course.  But  when  we  open  this 
box  at  the  bottom  we  shall  find  how 
searching  is  the  vacuum  method  of 
cleaning." 

I  worked  for  a  while.  "  Now  we 
shall  see  what  we  shall  see."  I  opened 
the  box. 

But  the  box  was  empty.  No  swathes 
of  dust  lay  within,  no  nauseating  mats 
of  cobwebs. 

"  Odd !  I  suppose  I  wasn't  grinding 
hard  enough.  No,  I  have  it!  You  've 
already  cleaned  this  part,  Moim.  Why 
didn't  you  say  so  ?  "  1  mopped  my 


Ol.TOllKH    -I,     l!)ll.| 


PUNCH,    OH   Till-:   LONDON    (  IIAi;iV.\|;| 


Jewel  Thitf (mistaking hia taxi).   ••  WAY  YK  1:0,  JIM,  IIAHII!" 

f  (with  his  mint!!, /,•!!,  ilelibtivMy).   ••  WKI.I.  ...  I  WAS  .M-.ST  «>:TTIN'  *v  mr  »'  DINXKR. 


brow  indignantly.  "  Look  here— I  must 
1)0  off  in  a  minute  to  my  study ;  J  've 
ail  article  to  write.  But  before  1  go 
i  '11  just  show  you,  experimentally— 

I  took  a  letter  from  my  pocket,  tore 
it  into  small  fragments,  and  scattered 
them  on  the  floor.  "  Now  watch  !  " 

Madly  I  ground  the  winch  and 
pushed  the  sardonic  grin  across  the 
floor  over  the  papers. 

Queer  ;  they  didn't  budge. 
1    ground   harder   and    harder,   and 
pressed  tho  sardonic  grin  tightly  down. 
"  -Mustn't  let  the  air  run  in  from  the 
side,''  J  panted. 

But  the  hits  of  paper  only  glued 
themselves  more  obstinately  to  the  floor. 
"  It's  a  splendid  invention,"  remarked 
Moira,  "  for  flattening  carpets.  Ours 
never  would  lie  quite  flat.  If  you  will 
go  through  every  room,  Ralph,  ironing 
ilo\\n  tho  carpets  with  the  Suk-Suk— 

"  Moira  "—I  dropped  the  handle  oi 
the  winch  and  allowed  the  sardonic  grin 
to  subside  at  my  feet — "  don't  be  funny. 
That  iool  of  an  ironmonger  has  sent  a 
broken  Suk-Suk.  J  '11  return  it  and  get 
another.  Meanwhile " 


"  Meanwhile  I  shall  pick  up  tho  bits 
of  paper  while  you  go  and  compose  an 
angry  letter  to  the  shopman.     By-the 
by,  did  you  test  the  Suk-Suk  l>efore  you 
bought  it?" 

"  Test  it  ?  How  could  I  test  it  in  a 
shop ?  I  'd  have  looked  silly,  shouldn't 
I,  grinding  away  at  this  winch,  in  a 
shopful  of  women  ?  " 

'•  That 's  what  I  looke;!— silly,  but 
oh,  so  practical !  " 

How  do  you  mean  ?  " 
Dear  old  boy,  do  you  think  that 
when  a  guinea  vacuum  cleaner  was 
advertised,  I  missed  it?  I  positively 
ran  to  the  ironmonger's,  and  mado  a 
perfect  fright  of  myself,  testing  every 
Suk-Suk  in  the  place,  in  the  frantic 
iope  of  finding  one  that  would  work. 
The  \\liolo  shop  was  full  of  women 
(djil)ba  women,  too  !)  eager  to  try  them. 
\Vo  fought  with  each  other  for  them — 
and  then,  having  tried  every  single  one, 
returned  home  sadly  to  our  bn>.,ms 
and  dust-pans.  Last  time  J  was  in  t he- 
shop  I  was  told  that  the  whole  stock 
of  Suk-Suks  ha<i  been  returned  to  the 
makers.  'A  l-'iviu-h  toy,' the  shopman 


called  them.  '  We  've  returned  ail  but 
one,  which  was  shop-soiled,'  he  said. 
'  How  we  '11  get  rid  of  it,  I  don't  know.'  " 

I  looked  at  Moira.  Then  I  looked 
at  the  Suk-Suk.  '•  Yes,"  said  Moirn, 
"  that  's  the  one.  You  've  Iwught  it. 
I  recognise  it." 

"They'll  have  to  take  it  back  I  " 
I  frowned  fiercely. 

"Oh,  they'll  take  it  back,  if  I  ask 
them  very  nicely.  They  know  me;  anil 
I  '11  explain  that  it  \\;is  only  my  husband 
who  bought  it,  and  that,  Ix-ing  a  man. 
every  allowance-  — 

This  is  where  tho  end  comes  —  in  the 


Darwin    Vindicated. 

n    .Mr.    ami    Mm.  a 

l!i  \  i:n<niii 


".Mr.  l.loyil  <;. •.,!•;<•  was  ^•••n  \«-s!.'nhy  In 
valk  tn  ll»'  Tivasmy  linns-ox" 

iVoirM  /( 

Perhaps  it  wasn't  Mr.  Li.mi>  (iKniiiii:. 

"A  inc'ti  r  ini>liit]i  nf  an  alarming  initiin- 
*•<  nni-il  :•.!  Killieerauie  tliriiii^li  tin-  skMiliny 
I  a  i  .11  I'roin  Allou. "  '•'.  •'/</'. 

L'bis  must  1x3  the  longest  slide  on  record. 


24  "2 


on  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER   4,    1911. 


Gallant   C.O.    (rttn ruing  to  Si-outs'   fiem/..    "Now, 
UNO  ON  ;    iv  IT  DOESN'T  NTOP  AT  ONTK   I  .SHAM. 


noiM 

TEXT." 


TIIKX,    I    WON'T    HAVE    THIS    TALKING 
HAVE    YOU    BOYS    1'UT    IX    THE    GUARD 


Small  J'oifi  (after  long  IMU&).   ''IT-'ase,  Sir,  this  i*  the  «uard  tent." 


THE   BLACK   PERIL. 

["African  chief  desires  his  two  sons  h>  lie 
educated  in  bojaad  under  home-like,  wholo- 
sonic  conditions." — Jdrt.  m  Morni'iiy  ]>:')vr.] 
J'DKAREST  IVY,— The  two  SOQS  of 
King  M'Bhumpo  arrived  to-day.  It  is 
awkward,  especially  as  Mamma  has 
always  thought  such  a  lot  of  birth  and 
position,  but  they  pay  extravagantly, 
and  Papa  has  been  nearly  ruined  by 
the  last  Budget.  They  are  coal-black, 
with  wide  staring  eyes  and  large  lips 
and  feet. 

They  are  called  Sloko  and  Shanti. 
Thoir  manners  at  dinner  were  quite 
foreign.  Sloko  threw  chicken  bones 
over  his  head  and  hit  Benson  behind 


I  him,  and  Shanti  asked  Papa  how  many 
i  wives  ho  had.  They  thought  the 
|  mutton  was  bulldog. 

The  use  of  the  bathroom  was  ex- 
plained to  them,  and  they  each  had  a 
bath  in  the  morning,  and  screamed  all 
the  time.  They  declare  they  cannot 
sleep  another  night  under  a  roof,  and 
have  built  a  wigwam  in  the  garden  and 
lit  a  fire  beside  it.  The  dogs  were 
frantic,  and  the  gardener  has  given 
notice.  In  the  evening  the  vicarage 
people  dined  with  us  ;  Mamma  thought 
it  would  be  a  good  influence  for  heathen 
j  boys.  Shanti  played  the  tomtom  very 
I  loud,  and  Sloko  explained  to  Miss 
Montgomery,  the  Vicar's  daughter,  that 


ho  had  a  complete  history  of  his 
country  tattooed  on  his  hack,  and 
would  be  very  pleased  to  show  it  to  us. 

Next  day— hunting.  Sloko  killed 
the  carriage  dog,  and  Shanti  speared  a 
swan  and  two  of  the  ducks.  "We  were 
not  in  time  to  stop  them,  as  they  shout 
very  loud  when  exaited,  and  cannot 
hear.  After  lunch  they  offered  to  per- 
form their  war  dance  and  song  in 
the  drawing-room,  but,  as  Mamma  is 
dreadfully  particular  about  the  furni- 
ture, Papa  told  them  we  could  not 
think  of  trespassing  on  their  generosity. 
Sloko  is  a  captain  in  his  father's  army; 
he  says  he  had  to  take  an  oath  to  kill 
two  white  men  before  he  is  twenty-one. 
He  hasn't  killed  anybody  yet. 

National  Day  of  Lamentation  in 
M'Bhumpoland,  so  it  appears.  Shanti 
sacrificed  a  hen  in  the  garden  ;  both 
stayed  for  hours  in  their  bed-rooms  and 
moaned  a  good  deal.  Mamma  sent  up 
Benson  with  a  Church  Catechism,  hut 
they  took  no  notice.  At  last  Papa  gave 
them  enough  opium  to  poison  saveral 
men,  and  they  went  to  sleep  till  next 
morning. 

Sloko  very  ill.  Refused  to  see  a 
doctor — he  says  ho  wants  an  African 
medicine  man.  Shanti  beat  a  tom-tom 
in  his  room  and  closed  the  windows 
and  chimney  to  keep  out  devils.  Papa 
feared  the  slesping  sickness, but  Benson 
says  it  is  only  the  effects  of  having 
taken  a  bath.  Sloko  recovered  by  dinner- 
time, and  proposed  to  me  afterwards, 
also  to  Miss  Montgomery.  Papa  feels 
depressed  about  his  efforts  to  train  them 
in  the  customs  of  English  gentlemen. 

Sloko  showed  signs  of  insanity  next 
day;  Shanti  says  it  is  hereditary  in 
their  tribe.  Papa  cabled  to  King 
M'Bhumpo  to  remove  them. 

Shanti*has  caught  insanity.  He  has 
turned  so  pale  that  we  are  afraid  Sloko 
may  mistake  him  for  a  white  man  and 
kill  him. 

Papa  thought  it  better  not  to  wait 
for  the  King's  reply,  and  has  had  them 
removed.  We  feel  more  comfortable 
now.  We  shall  not  be  taking  any  more 
African  ptinces  just  at  present. 

Yours,          GLADYS. 


The  Bad  Indian. 
"Mrs.  --  's  charming  face,  with  soft, 
ing  curls,  is  alive  with  the  picturesque  strips 
and  colours  of  a  Romany  shawl." 

LircrpooJ  C 


"'All  (he  prisoners  of  the  Jail  are  Cifn:ds, 
that  is  aliorigmes  (sic)  and  the  remaining  ones 
are  illiterate.'  A  gentleman  who  spells  abori- 
gines in  this  original  fashion  is  obviously  an 
authority  on  illiteracy."  —  £•>''<>„«/,  >. 

And  a  gentleman  who  comments  on  a 
!  gentleman  who  spells  aborigines  in  this 
,  obvious  fashion  is  certainly  an  authority 

on  stumers.  .. 


PUNCn.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABL-OcTo..^  4,  lf.ll. 


THE   SHOCKER   SHOCKED. 

GERMANY   (painc.d   at   Italy's  behaviour).    "WHAT    MANNERS!      I    CAN'T    THINK    \YIIKKK    MY 
YOUNG  FRIEND  PICKED   'EM  UP  !  " 


OCTOHKK   4,    191  I.  | 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE' LONDON   CIIAIMYAKI. 


---".       iLltl' 
i*- »{•«**•*  k- 


IF  TURKEY    BECAME   ITALIAN! 

(Our  artist  is  ,.e,fe,tly  capable  of  pending  himself  that  he  ,-an  soothe  the  feeing  of  anyone  who  fee,,  the  aU,ve  dr.ui,,g  t 
so,nS\v],at  unkind  by  showing  anothevNveek,   the  effect  of  a  Turk.sh  occu,»it,o^of  jtalyO 


AT  THE   PLAY. 

THE  MARIONETTES." 
H  a  fortnight  ago  of  a  per- 
plexed husband  at  Wyndham's.  His 
wife,  you  may  remember,  had  threat- 
ened to  leave  him,  hut  his  sister,  Mrs. 
Manjell,  thought  of  a  plan.  "It  was," 
I  explained,  "quite  a  simple  plan — the 
dear  old  one,  in  fact,  which  gets 
another  woman  into  the  house  in  order 
to  make  the  wife  jealous.  Mrs.  Margell 
was,  no  doubt,  a  great  playgoer,  and 
had  seen  this  plan  working  success- 
fully on  the  stage  hundreds  of  times  ; 
so  s'he  had  confidence  in  recommending 
it." 

That  was  only  a  fortnight  ago.  To 
have  seen  the  same  plan  working 
again  at  The  Comedy  would  have 
been  too  much  ;  i  don't  know  how 
one  could  have  dealt  with  it.  Lucidly 
M.  I'lKUki;  WOLFF  has  hit  upon  an 
entirely  different  plot.  In  The.  Man- 
<  unties  it  is  the  woman  who  flirts 
with  another  man  in  order  to  make  the 


husband  jealous!      You   would  never 
have  thought  of  this. 

Well,  that  finishes  it.  I  don't  see 
what  variations  are  left  fo  the  play- 
wright now,  unless  of  course  lie  per- 
suades the  children  to  kiss  the  nurse 
in  order  to  make  the  mother  jealous. 
Ye4,  I  have  been  hasty;  there  is  still 
that  to  come.  In  the  meanwhile  we 
must  content  ourselves  with  what  we 
can  get  at  The  Comedy.  Anyhow  we 
get  Sir  JOHN  HARK  and  Miss  MAUIK 
LOUR.  It  is  Miss  LOUR  who  make? 
her  husband  (Mr.  ARTHUR  WONTNF.K) 
jealous;  hut  you  mustn't  think  that 
Sir  JOHN  is  lelt  out  in  the  cold.  As  a 
young  man  he  had  written  a  love- 
letter  to  himself  in  order  to  make  his 
wife  jealous— with,  I  neei  hardly  say, 
the  usual  success. 

His  niece  is  stimulated  by  the  rela 
tion  of  this  episode,  but  I  fancy  she 
must  also  have  boon  a  little  piqued  I 
find  that,  after  all,  her  plan  was  not  an 
original  one.     By  Hie  way,  this  uncle, 
.I/.'  di-   i'crni'U,  is  a  very  old  num. 


[I 


is  just  possible  that  in  him  we  have 
discovered  the  first  and  only  begetter 
of  the  Great  Idea,  seeing  that  he  was 
working  it  fifty  years  ago. 

The  acting  was  excellent, 
delightful  to  have  Sir  JOHN  HAHK  back 
a«am  and  in  a  character  so  perfectly 
suited  to  him.    Miss  LOHR,  as  charming 
as  ever,  had  to  play  something  more 
emotional  than  the  light  comedy  parts 
ito   which    she    has    been   accustomed 
lately,  but  she  was  fully  equal  to  H 
Mr  "AUTHUR  \VOSTSKB    was    a   1 
an-ular  but  very  much  in  earn, 
the   husband,   and  Mr.  C.  M.  I/WNB 
helped  the  play  along  enormously  wit 
much  happy  conversation.     It  was  al- 
I  ways  a  pleasure  to  see  his  head  come  i 
'at  the  door:  if  he  had  only  looked  in 
for  his  music  he  could  still  be  retted 
upon  for  a  chat. 

••  BONITA." 

\    "  Prologue,"    very    tragic    for   a 
••  comic  opera,"  but  otherwise  superlh 
on«  shows  us  the  death  of  an  HB0M 


246 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  4,  1911. 


oflic-er  on  a  small  Portuguese  battle-  sang  what  I  understood  to  be  a  song  of  ;  moments,  though  the  sneezing-fit  that 
iield  in  the  dark  (1813),  his  native  farewall;  but  this  must  have  boen  a  ;  crowned  them  did  not  perhaps  offer 
wife  being  in  attendance.  Subsequently  mistake  on  her  part,  for  she  really  j  the  very  freshest  material.  Finally,  if 
(present  day)  the  groat-grandson  of  this  loved  him  at  sight  with  all  the  fervour  ,sinuous  gestures  and  a  most  intelli- 
C'fiicer,  and"  the  great-granddaughter  of  of  a  life-long  devotion.  jtfent  energy  could  have  done  it,  Mr. 

the  oflicar's  wife  (why  this  invidious!  Over  the  second  scene — laid  in  a  I H ACKIHDKB  as  Frederico  would  have 
distinction  is  made  in  their  parent- j  cloister,  very  formal  in  the  regularity  ; snatched  a  triumph  for  the  piece. 

Mr.    FBABKB-SIMBON'S    music 


aga 


it   is   not   for   me   to   conjecture)   of  its  ruins — the  shadow  of  the  Lancer 
nie?t     in     exceptional    circumstances,  j  still  lay,  though  he  troubled  the  stage 

very  little  with  his  actual  presence. 
It  was  vain  to  hope  that  the  ordeal 
of  St.  Antony  would  fail  to  consign 


Exceptional,  because  it  is  contrary  to 
habit  for  tha  heir  to  an  English  title 
to  run  over  to  Portugal  for  tlis  purpose 
of  un-arthing  a  possible  claimant  to 
that  title.  However,  I  do  not  quarrel 
with  this  des:gn.  nor  with  his  arrival 
at  a  little  Portuguese  fish- 
ing village  in  full  military 
uniform,  accompanied  by 
part  of  a  squadron  of  British 
troopers,  and  a  slight  Ameri- 
can accent.  These  things 
happen  in  comic  opera,  or, 
rather  in  musical  comedy. 
What  I  do  complain  of,  and 
bitterly,  is  that  he  and  his 
Lancers  should  bedresse.l  in 
the  c  tiJest  vermilion,  to  the 
great  detriment  of  a  very 
charming  colour-scheme. 
For  I  could  not  desire  a 
more  attractive  scene  than 
this  of  the  sunny  village  by 
the  quay,  with  its  climbing 
street  (practicable  through- 
out), its  garrulous  folk  in 
their  picturesque  dresses  (the 
women  swaying  nicely  from 
the  hips),  and  its  pleasant 
harmonies  of  lo:al  colour. 
And  then  came  the  vermilion 
Lancers,  tsrribly  British,  and 
made  everything  silly  and 
banal.  Up  to  this  point  the 
play  had  gone  gaily  and  with 
the  right  air  of  whimsical 
frivolity.  Even  the  settled 
gloom  of  Bonita  s  rejected 
lover — you  can  picture  Mr. 
CHARLES  MAUDE  looking 
exactly  like  himself,  and 
s:nging,  with  a  touch  of  the  Portuguese 
method  in  his  enunciation— 
"She  is  fair 

Bsyond-a  compare" — 
was  a  source  of  gensral  merriment ;  but 


•  SIHSON'S  music  was 
pleasantly  fluent,  and  Mr.  WADHAM 
PEACOCK'S  lyrics,  of  which  from  time 
to  time  I  caught  a  phrase  or  two, 


Bonita  to  the  arms  of  that  unsympa-   standard   of   Mr.  ADBIAN 


seemed   passable,    if    not    up    to    the 

The 


the   arrival   of   th 
ehangad  everythiu 


vermilion  Lancers 
If  only  the  tenor- 


hero      (Mr.     WH3ATLEY)      Could      have 

worked  himself  into  the  spirit  of  the 
scene  I  might  have  forgiven  him  his 
uniform.  But  with  his  stout  figure  and 
h:s  stodgy  personality  he  might  have 


thetic  lover.   Indeed,  the  interest  rather  (hous3,  on  the  second  night,  was  friendly 
lay  with  the  minor  characters,  of  whom  Jin  patches,  one  very  loyal  patch  being 

contingent  to  my  own  stall. 
I  should  be  sorry  to  predict 
failure  for  an  opera  that 
shows  at  least  some  nove'ty 
of  idea  in  a  very  pretty 
S3tting.  Besides,  it  takes  a 
lot  to  make  any  comic  opera 
fail.  But  I  do  not  think  it 
will  set  eithsr  the  Thames  or 
the  Tagus  on  fire. 

Yet  there  must  be  some- 
thing more  in  it  than  catches 
the  eye,  or  why,  you  may  well 
ask,  should  Mr.  GRANVILLE 
BAEKEB  have  done  it  the 
compliment  of  "producing" 
it  ?  At  present  the  mystery 
lies  unsolvel.  Can  he  con- 
ceivably have  an  interest  in 
the  Booth  Steamship  Com- 
pany, Limited,  which  '-kindly 
lent "  the  pictures  in  thefoyer, 
illustrative  of  the  beauty- 
spots  of  Portugal  and  the 
best  sea  route  for  getting  at 
them  ? 

"Eip  VAN  WINKLE." 
The  worst  of  modifying  an 
old   theme   on   the   stage   is 
that  it  lets  loose  the  pedantry 
of  the  critics.     Personally  I 
think  that,  while  he  was  about 
it,  Mr.  AUSTIN  STRONG  might 
have  seized  the  chance  of  a 
satire     on     modern    developments    in 


OPEX-AIR  LIFE  IX  A   PORTUGUESE  VILLAGE. 
A  Typical  Dancing  Floor. 

Miss  CLARA  EVELYN 

Lieut.  Mannerton Mr.  WIIEATI.EY 

the  well-named  Pcrpetua,  a  venerable 


and  importunate  virgin,  always  at  hand  England.  But,  if  he  has  succeeded  in 
on  the  off-chanoe  of  catching  Frederico  j  transmuting  baser  metal  into  gold  of 
in  a  mood  of  self-committal,  gave  Miss '  even  ten  carats  only,  it  is  a  graceless 
EDITH  CLEGG  a  chance  of  showing  a 'task  to  remind  him  that  he  has  been 
nice  gift  of  quiet  humour.  |  tampering  with  the  original. 

Miss   CLARA   EVELYN,   in   the    title!      Like  many  other  playwrights  he  has 


rdle,  sang  gracefully,  but  her  dancing  made  the  mistake  of  spreading  himself 
seemed  rather  meaningless   and   arti- 
ficial,  hampered    as    it    was    by    the 


necessity  (so  restricted   was   the  area  relation   to  its   value 


at  the  start  as  if  he  had  a'l  eternity 
before    him;    lavishing    on    his    First 

perilous   slope  of   the   stage,  and   the  Act    a    wealth    of    detail    out    of   all 

as    a  contribu- 
For  result,  by 

of  the   sea-wall   in   the   scope   of   her  •  the  tims  lie  reaches  his  climax  he  runs 
operations.     I  could  tell  at  once  that '  the  risk  of  exhausting  himself,   or  his 


-•  .  V  '-"-VJ         1  *-"-•       «-  ^/u  1>*AWWWI         »t<*3         H  JD      CM  C«/       1.  VUVUlt/U         \J\J       lUO          T  CUUQ 

stepped    clean     out    of    second-class  of  the  quay-side)  of  including  the  top  j  tion  to  the  main  issu 
'brand     Opera.     He  gave  the  atmo-     '  "  "  i   .       .       . 

sphere  no  chance.  How  Bonita  pre- 
ferred him  to  the  slim  and  agile  gentle- 
man who  played  the  soi-disant  villain 
I  cannot  imagine.  It  is  true  that,  on 
the  first  appearance  of  the  hero,  she 


the  Portuguese  style  of  dancing  is  not 
seen  at  its  best  on  the  top  of  a  sea-wall. 
Mr.  VOLPE  was  rotund  in  his  mirth, 
and  Mr.  MARK  LESTER  had  his  droll 


audience,  or  both.  Certainly  I  was  a 
little  disappointed  over  the  reunion 
(loudly  eulogised  in  the  Press)  between 
Rip  and  Minna.  Miss  WINIFRED  EMERY 


had  been  extraordinarily  good  just  before 
in  her  passage  of  reminiscence;  but 
somehow—well,  perhaps  Mr.  CYRIL 
MAUDE'S  make-up  was  too  repulsively 
venerable  (after  all,  he  need  only  have 
been  about  seventy),  and  one  felt  that 
the  fact  of  his  not  having  had  a  bath 
for  fifty  years  must  have  mitigated  the 
loyalty  of  the  most  devoted  of  lovers. 

For  the  rest,  one's  interest,  on  the 
e'Jiical  side,  was  perhaps  not  too 
closely  arrested,  but  one's  ordinary 
sensas,  like  Hip's,  were  kept  on  the 
alert.  He  had  all  five  of  thorn  on  the 
stage  at  once  dancing  gracefully  in 
gau/v  draperies  to  the  designs  of  Miss 
INA  PELLY,  and  one  never  knew  but 
what  at  any  moment  the  most  appalling 
of  bogies  might  emerge  from  behind  a 
Kaatekill  rock. 

The  episode  of  the  copper-bowl, 
whose  furbishing  was  to  be  the  test  of 
Kip's  reformation,  was  a  pleasant  piece 
of  symbolism  ;  but  I  confess  that,  apart 
from  the  moral  significance  of  his 
effort,  I  wish  that  he  had  let  the  thing 
alone,  for  I  greatly  preferred  the  look 
of  it  in  its  original  state. 

Mr.  MAUDE,  both  in  youth  and  eld, 
was  admirable,  and  proved  once  more 
that,  like  SHAKSPEABE,  he  is  not  for 
any  particular  age,  but  for  the  whole 
;amut  of  them.  The  minor  charac- 
ters were  all  efficient,  and  the  children 
charming,  especially  one  pert  little 
prodigy.  Perhaps  they  had  been  a  little 
over-drilled  ;  for  their  movements  were 
rather  too  uniform  for  spontaneity. 

Mr.  JOHN  HABWOOD,  as  the  two 
Dobbses,  grandson  and  grandfather, 
)oth  patrons  of  the  gentle  art,  played 
with  great  naturalness.  Following  so 
close  upon  a  similar  attraction  in 
Pomander  Walk,  it  looks  as  if  this 
item—a  fisherman,  always  on  the 
stage  and  never  getting  a  bite — was 
to  be  a  permanent  feature  at  The 
Playhouse.  I  hope  so,  for  indeed  it  is 
always  a  moving  spectacle. 

I  must  not  conclude  without  men- 
tioning the  dog  Schneider.  The  meet- 
ing between  him  and  the  young  Rip 
was  amosg  the  most  pathetic  incidents 
of  the  j.lay.  It  was  for  this  beloved 
sheepdog  that  Rip's  first  enquiries 
were  made  on  returning  from  prison. 
Yet  Schneider  received  the  nsws  of  his 
master's  home-coming  with  something 
worse  than  indifference.  His  nose 
recoiled  with  apparent  repugnance 
from  Rip's  embraoes,  and  he  scooted 
off  at  top  speed  the  very  moment  he 
was  released. 

Subsequently  wo  were  given  to 
understand  that  Hip  had  mislaid 
Schneider  in  the  course  of  his  pilgrim- 
age into  the  hills;  but  the  cold  fact 
is  that  the  do;,'  couldn't  be  induced 
even  to  start  with  him.  O.  S. 


N  CHAMVABI. 


,vfw ' 

'^E   D.'DXA   STOP  AT  THE  CUKI-Ell's  ARMS    THE    LAST    TIME   YE 
SlIlJ" 

"QUITE  KIOHT;    HUT  WHAT  MAKES  YOD  so  CEKTAIX?" 
"BECAUSE  VEII  GAUN  THEUE  THIS  TIME." 


ANOTHER  OF  MUSIC'S  CHARMS 

[Singing,  it  is  said,  prevents  embonpoint.  Ou 
experience  of  prime  dimtie  leads  us  to  doub 
this;  but  let  it  pass.] 

LONG  had  I  laboured  to  combat  obesity 
Striven  to  gain  the  physique  of  a 

sprite, 
Run  every  morning  from  Peckham  to 

the  City, 
Skipped  in  the  garden  for  most  o 

the  night, 
Lunched  every  noon  off  a  bun  or  a 

banbury, 
Dined   off  the   merest   suspicion  ol 

sole, 
Shunned  all  the  products  of  TRUMAN 

AND  HANBUHY, 
Keeping  my  appetite  under  control. 


Spite  of  this  very  curtailed   commis- 
sariat, 

Hateful  alike  to  my  palate  and  eyes, 
Vainly  I  struggled  to  keep  Little  Mary 

at 

Even  a  fairly  respectable  size. 
Wholly  defiant  of  anti-fats  (various), 
Ever  my  girth  grew  the  greater,  until 


Someone  commended   a  tonic    sol-fa- 

rious, 
And  I  proceeded  to  bawl  with  a  will. 

Now  I  give  rein  to  my  native  voracity 
And,  as  I  dine  off  the  fat  of  the  land, 
Joy  that  a  kindly  adviser's  sagacity 
Showed   me    how  simply   niy   bulk 

could  be  bann.-il. 
Slender  I  am   and    so    graceful    and 

willo'.vy 
That,  down  at  Margate,  when  gazing 

upon 
My   fairy   form   as   it  bathed   in   the 

billowy, 

People  remarked,  "  What  a  beautiful 
swan." 


'The  latter  vessel  rq>orts  having  a  hole  forty 
eet  long  across  the  bows  -due  to  the  imjoct  of 
topping  the  engines.     She  was  badly  out  by 
he  starboard  propeller." — The  Statesman. 
"The  latter  vessel  reports  having  encountered 
whale,  forty  feet  long,  across  her  bowa.     The 
mpact  stopped  the  engine*.      The  whale  was 
carfully  cut  by  the  starboard  propeller." 

The  Kiiyii»lii,uin. 

Anyhow  it  was  forty  feet  long.    That  'B 
he  point. 


24H 


PUNCH,    OR    TILE    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBKIt    4,    1911. 


CRAGWELL   END. 

PART    I. 

THERE  's  nothing  1  know  of  to  make  you  spend 

A  day  of  your  life  at  Oagwell  End. 

It 's  a  village  quiet  and  grey  and  old, 

A  little  village  tucked  into  a  fold 

(A  sort  of  valley,  not  over  wide) 

Of  the  hills  that  flank  it  on  either  sido. 

There  's  a  large  grey  church  with  a  square  stone  to-.ver, 

And  a  clock  to  mark  you  the  passing  hour 

In  a  chime  that  shivers  the  village  calm 

With  a  few  odd  hits  of  the  100th  psalm. 

A  red-brick  Vicarage  stands  thereby, 

Breathing  comfort  and  lapped  in  ease. 
With  a  row  of  elms  thick-trunked  and  high, 

And  a  bevy  of  rooks  to  caw  in  these. 

'Tis  there  that  the  Revd.  Salvyn  Bent 

(No  tie  could  be  neater  or  whiter  than  his  lie) 
Maintains  the  struggle  against  dissent, 

An  Oxford  scholar  ex  <JEde  Christi ; 
And  there  in  his  twenty-minute  sermons 
lie  makes  mince-meat  of  the  modern  Germans, 
Defying  their  apparatus  criticus 
Like  a  brave  old  Vicar, 
A  famous  sticker 

To  Genesis,  Exodus  and  Leviticus. 
He  enjoys  himself  like  a  hearty  boy 

Who  linds  his  life  for  his  needs  the  aptest ; 
But  the  poisoned  drop  in  his  cup  of  joy 

Is  the  Revd.  Joshua  Fall,  the  Baptist, 
An  earnest  man  with  a  tongue  that  stings — 

The  Vicar  calls  him  a  child  of  schism— 
Who  has  dared  to  utter  some  dreadful  things 

On  the  vices  of  sacerdotalism, 
And  the  ruination 
Of  education 

By  the  Church  of  England  Catechism. 

Set  in  a  circle  of  oak  and  beech, 

North  of  the  village  lies  Cragwell  Hall  ; 
And  stretching  far  as  the  eye  can  reach, 

Over  the  slopes  and  beyond  the  fall 
Of  the  hills  so  keeping  their  guard  about  it 
That  the  north  wind  never  may  chill  or  flout  iu,, 
Through  forests  as  dense  as  that  of  Arden, 
With  orchard  and  park  and  trim-kept  garden, 
And  farms  for  pasture  and  farms  for  tillage, 
The  Hall  maintains  its  rule  of  the  village. 
And  in  the  Hall 
Lived  the  lord  of  all, 

Girt  round  with  all  that  our  hearts  desire 
Of  leisure  and  wealth,  the  ancient  Squire. 
He  was  the  purplest-faced  old  man 
Since  ever  the  Darville  race  began, 
Pompous  and  purple-faceil  and  proud ; 
With  a  portly  girth  and  a  voice  so  loud 
You  might  have  heard  it  a  mile  away 
When  he  cheered  the  hounds  on  a  hunting  day. 
He  was  hard  on  dissenters  and  such  encroachers, 
He  was  hard  on  sinners  and  hard  on  poachers ; 
He  talked  of  his  rights  as  one  who  knew 
That  the  pick  of  the  earth  to  him  was  due  : 
The  right  to  this  and  the  right  to  that, 
To  the  humble  look  and  the  lifted  hat ; 
The  right  to  scold  or  evict  a  peasant, 
The  right  to  partridge  and  hare  and  pheasant ; 
The  right  to  encourage  discontent 
By  raising  a  hard- worked  farmer's  rent ;      , 


The  manifest  right  to  ride  to  hounds 
Through  his  own  or  anyone  else's  grounds  ; 
Tho  right  to  eat  of  the  best  by  day 
And  to  snore  the  whole  of  the  night  away ; 
For  his  motto,  as  often  he  explained, 
Was  "A  Darville  holds  what  a  Darville  gaiim.l 
He  tried  to  be  just,  but  that  may  be 
Small  merit  in  one  who  has  most  things  free  ; 
And  his  neighbours  averred, 
When  they  heard  the  word, 
"  Old  Darville  's  a  just  man,  is  he?     Bust  his 
Gills,  we  could  do  without  his  justice!  " 


A    NEW    WAY    WITH    FOREIGNERS. 

THE  world  is  full  of  phrase-books  in  foreign  tongues;  but 
none  says  the  right  things  and  all  demand  pronunciations  by 
the  owner.  What  is  wanted  is  a  swift  and  efficient  means 
of  communication  between  traveller  and  waiter  without  the 
humiliation  of  distorting  one's  honest  English  mouth  and 
debasing  one's  good  English  accent.  After  much  thought 
we  have  invented  a  new  medium,  superseding  both  speed) 
and  the  clumsiness  of  the  phrase-book,  namely,  a  series  of 
inexpensive  cardboard  discs,,  which  can  be  carried  easily  in 
the  pocket  or  reticule,  and  may  on  occasion  be  reclaimed  by 
the  prudent  and  economical  (or  might  indeed  be  thrown 
hack  at  them  with  lightning  speed),  on  which  will  be  printed 
the  controlling  sentences  of  a  foreign  tour. 

To  print  the  whole  series  would  be  too  considerable  a  task 
and  would  involve  loss  of  profit  to  the  inventors ;  but  a  few 
specimens  may  be  given. 

For  ticket-inspectors  on  Continental  trains  : 

I  know  I  am  in  a  first-class  compartment  with  a  second- 
class  ticket,  but  there  are  no  seats  in  the  sscond-class  and 
this  compartment  was  empty.  Still,  if  you  will  only  stop 
talking  and  gesticulating  and  looking  like  the  man  who  runs 
the  guillotine,  I  will  move  quietly  into  the  corridor  and  stand 
for  the  rest  of  the  500  miles. 

Please  hold  up  as  many  fingers  as  there  are  minutes  to 
wait  at  this  station. 

For  porters  : 

I  want  one  porter,  and  one  only,  to  carry  these  two  small 
bags.  To  that  porter  1  will  give  50  centimes  for  each  bag ; 
and  no  more.  Howsoever  many  men  you  allow  to  help  you 
I  shall  pay  only  one. 

For  hotel  managers  : 

I  know  that  your  hotel  is  absolutely  free  from  mosquitoes; 
but  please  have  mosquito  curtains  fixed  to  my  bed. 

For  waiters  : 

We  are  very  hungry  and  tired.  Bring  the  wine  at  once, 
and  some  butter.  We  should  like  other  thing*  too  ;  1ml 
bring  the  wina,  even  if  the  order  strikes  you  as  insane. 

For  a  guide : 

I  do  not  want  a  guide. 

For  the  same  guide,  two  minutes  later: 

I  still  do  not  want  a  guide. 

For  the  same  guide,  at  intervals  : 

I  do  not  want  a  guide. 

For  a  barber : 

I  want  almost  nothing  taken  off;  just  the  merest  trim. 

For  the  same  barber  at  the  end  of  the  sitting  : 

I  said  I  wanted  only  a  mere  trim.  You  have  made  me 
look  like  a  billiard'ball.  You  are  an  incapable. 

From  the  specimens  given  it  will  be  gathered  that  the 
traveller  will  not  only  simplify  his  daily  life  abroad  but 
endear  himself  to  all  he  meets. 


OCTOKKK  4,    1<)I1.! 


PUNCH,    OK   Till-;    LONDON   CJIAIUVAKI. 


1  'im'lur  (after  looking  fur  tn'sxiiiy  tfit  a  !»-b.tll  far  littlf-aii-ltottr).    "Oil,   COMK  ox!     I.KT '.-•  ri.AV  WITH  FIVE!" 
Daughter  of  f 'if  Home,   "flow  P.I.V  \VK?     IT'S  TUB  A'Kir  OXK." 


DANGEROUS    LIVING. 

WHUN  wakeful  Hebe  brings  me  up 
My  seeming  harmless  early  cup, 
Science  reminds  me  I  've  enjoyed 
A  highly  poisonous  alkaloid 
Which  slays  the  nerves  with  its  abuses 
And  plays   the   deuce    with   all  ons's 

juices. 

The  breakfast  coffee  I  adore  so 
Is  just  as  fatal,  only  more  so. 
The  glass  of  lager,  icy  cool — 
Pray,  who  would  touch  it  but  a  fool 
When  in  its  amber  depths  one  sees 
Gout,  rheumatism,  Bright's  disease  ? 
Black  whisky  bottle,  come  not  nigh 
To  scare  my  apprehensive  eye, 
For  in  thy  dark  recess  reposes 
Grim  liver  trouble  and  cyrrhosis  ; 
In  alcohol,  whate'er  its  form, 
A  million  million  perils  swarm. 
Hut   deadlier   yet   the   rain-cloud's 

daughter, 

The  much-belauded  fatal  water ; 
The  monstrous  regiment  of  germs 
In    this   clear    death-trap   sport-t   and 

squirms ; 

Nay,  even  graver  yet  its  faults  : 
It  holds  such  minerals  and  salts 
As  fill  your  gall  with  chalk  and  rubble 
And  start  all  kinds  of  kidney  trouble. 

Meat  ?  Why,  a  man  had  better  eat 
Henbane  and  aconite  than  meat. 


It  breeds  a  poison,  well  defined 
And  of  the  most  insidious  kind  ; 
Nor  can  one  well  be  too  emphatic 
In  stating  that  it 's  eczematic. 

Cooked  vegetables,  as  one  knows, 
Are  simply  starch  and  cellulose. 
While  salads  and  their  like  are  rife 
With  baneful  microscopic  life. 

Nor  is  it  with  our  food  alone 
That  we  are  in  the  danger  zone. 
Suppose  you  like  to  lie  in  bed 
With  breezes  blowing  round  your  head, 
Beware  of  chills !     But  if  at  night 
You  fasten  doors  and  windows  tight 
You  risk  asphyxiation  through 
Excess  of  deadly  CO,. 

If,  like  a  healthy  man,  you  feel 
Disposed  to  take  a  good  square  meal, 
Your  system  will  be  incommoded 
And  seriously  overloaded. 
But  if,  again,  you  peck  some  toast 
You  '11  turn  into  a  weakling  ghost, 
And  should  a  microbe  come  your  way 
You  fall  at  once  an  easy  prey. 

If,  like  a  Spartan,  you  forbear 
From  woolly  warmth  in  underwear 
In  hopes  of  growing  tough  and  hard, 
Oh,  pray,  be  always  on  your  guard,    - 
And  never  let  it  be  forgotten 
Pneumonia  lurks  in  risky  cotton. 


The  ordinary  man  is  keen 

On  keeping  reasonably  clean, 

But  dangers  lie  along  his  path — 

Immense  the  perils  of  the  bath. 

If  in  a  chilly  tub  you  plop, 

As  like  as  not  your  heart  will  stop  : 

While  if,  again,  you  fill  the  room 

With  clouds  of  steam,  you   seal  your 

doom : 

You  undermine  your  circulation 
And  slowly  die  of  enervation. 

If,  to  keep  fit  and  weU  and  strong, 
You  labour  bravely  all  day  long, 
And  if  your  toil  you  never  shirk, 
Then  you  will  die  of  overwork  ; 
While  if,  in  fear  of  breaking  down, 
You  take  a  fortnight  out  of  town, 
Who  knows  what  consequences  may 
Result  from  such  a  holiday  ? 

To  dry  oneself  with  careful  rub. 
To  dress,  still  dripping  from  the  tul>, 
To  aim  at  cheerful  wit,  to  brood 
In  pensive,  melancholy  mood, 
To  bar  tobacco,  and  to  smoke 
Whene'er  the  spirit  moves  a  bloke. 
To  laugh,  to  weep,  to  yawn,   to 

sneeze, 

To  wake,  to  slumber — each  of  these 
Means  life,  while  also  each  of  these  is 
The  cause  of  all  our  worst  diseases. 
In  short,  a  mhn  can  scarce  be  said 
To  live  m  safety  till  he  's  dead. 


250 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  4,  1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

SOMEONE  once  said  to  mo  about  a  novel  by  Mr.  ARNOLD 
BENNETT,  "  I  feel  as  if  all  tbe  characters  were  my  relations, 

Witbout  myself  snaring  this 


and  I  didn't  like  them  !  " 

feeling,  I   can  understand   it   rather 

Hilda   Lcssways    (METHUEN).     For  a  whole 


batter   after   reading 


year 


I  have 


been  waiting  for  this  book,  chiefly  to  know  why  Hilda, 


is  difficult  to  believe  in  Winnie.  She  sesms  at  first  to  be 
just  the  sort  of  fluffy  shallow  creature  for  whom  the  world's 
laws  are  made ;  afterwards  she  asks  our  sympathy  as  a 
suffering  woman  buffeted  by  the  world  unfairly  ;  bhe  claims 
our  acquiescence  in  her  special  right  to  hold  herself  above 
the  conventions.  A  woman  like  Winnie,  with  her  curious 
readiness  to  love  every  man  she  meets,  is  the  last  person 
to  support  a  Theory.  Her  pretty  shoulders  were  never 


made  for  burdens  of  that  kind.       She   mav  think  she  is 

having  engaged  herself  to  Clayhanger,  almost  immediately  \  protesting  against  the  world,  but  in  reality  she  is  protesting 
afterwards  announced  her  marriage  to  George  Cannon.  •  against  her  own  temperament.  Her  temperament  makes 
And  now  that  I  do  know  all  about  it,  and  all  about  Hilda, ;  an  excellent  story  but  a  very  poor  case.  If  it  were  not 
and  about  her  parents,  and  upbringing,  and  circumstances  |  that  the  atmosphere  of  the  case  hangs  over  it  I  would 


to  the  remotest  particu- 
lar I  am  aware  some- 
how of  a  very  slight 
feeling  of  disappoint- ! 
ment.  One  thing  I  am  ! 
sure  of,  that  Hilda  Less-  i 
ways,  as  a  book,  is  not 
such  a  good  story  as  j 
Clayhanger ;  though  as 
a  single  character  study 
it  is  as  clever  as  anything 
that  Mr.  BENNETT,  or 
for  the  matter  of  that  any 
author  I  can  remember, 
has  yet  done.  For  this 
very  reason  I  suspect 
that  it  may  prove  a  test 
of  faith  for  his  admirers ; 
the  devout  (amongst 
whom  I  unhesitatingly 
enroll  myself)  will  read 
every  word  with  keen 
interest  and  enjoyment ; 
the  faint-hearted  may 
incline  to  wish  that  a 
little  more  happened,  or 
that  Hilda  were  not 
quite  so  fond  of  examin- 
ing her  own  emotions 
over  apparently  trivial 
events.  The  story  I 
need  not  tell  you.  To 
readers  of  Clayhanger 
much  of  it  is  already 
known,  and  the  one 
problem  turns  out  after 
all  to  have  a  very  simple 
solution.  But  to  say  that 
the  book  is  worth  read-  - 
ing  is  greatly  to  understate  my  own  personal  estimate  of 
it ;  its  minute  and  laborious  analysis  of  one  character 
must  give  Hilda  Lessways  a  high  place  in  the  list  of 
Mr.  BENNETT'S  already  amazing  achievements. 

Winnie  Maxon's  quarrel  was  with  the  world.  The  world 
says  that  if  a  man  is  neither  unfaithful  nor  cruel  to  his 
wife  it  is  the  duty  of  the  wife  to  stay  with  him.  Mrs. 
Maxon  protested  against  this  theory.  After  a  few  years  of 
married  lire  she  could  stand  that  deadly  prig,  Cyril 
Maxon,  no  longer;  so  she  left  him.  The  story  of  her 
search  for  a  real  mate  is  told  by  Mr.  ANTHONY  HOPE  in 
Mrs.  Maxon  Protests  (METHUEN).  Given  his  central 
character  and  his  situations,  Mr.  HOPE  can  be  trusted 
to  get  the  most  out  of  them — to  tell  his  story,  that 
is,  in  the  best  way.  Where  he  fails  in  this  book  is  in 
his  inability  to  make  real  for  us  his  central  character.  It 


congratulate  Mr.  HOPE 
unreservedly  on  his 
story.  At  the  least,  I 
lean  thank  him  for  intro- 
ducing me  to  the  Aikcn- 
hcads  ;  they,  anyhow,  are 
real  enough. 


THE  WORLD'S   WORKERS. 
X. — A  (!oi.F  PROFESSIONAL  THINKING  OUT  NEW  DESIGNS  FOR  CLUBS. 


Charms  and  the  man 
I  sing,  or  rather 
Mr.  HAROLD  VALLINGS 
does  in  Enter  Charmian 
(SMITH,  ELDER).  Charms 
herself  is  all  right.  She 
deserves  her  pet-name. 
The  difficulty  is  to  find 
the  man.  As  somebody 
in  the  book  says,  "  She 
might,  as  far  as  one  can 
see,  be  either  Lady 
0'  Gorman,  Mrs.  Milling- 
ton  Brind,  Mrs.  D'Aber- 
non  of  D'Abernon  Mon- 
achorum,  or — yes,  easily 
enough,  if  she  gave  her 
mind  to  itfor  a  week — the 
Honourable  Mrs.  Eustace 
Beret"  Of  the  other 
I  permutations  and  com- 
I  binations  in  this  pleasant 
'  comedy-idyll  of  courtship 
1  and  marriage  I  have, 
'  even  after  a  second  read- 
ing,  rather  a  hazy  idea, 
i  There  are,  I  think,  some 
eight  engagements  in  the 
story,  which,  even  though 
two  of  them  are  broken 
off,  is  a  fair  allowance 
for  a  community  of  half-a-dozen  families.  And  all  in  six 
months  too.  Still,  the  picture  of  the  somewhat  purpose- 
less life  which  better-class  people  with  fair  incomes  are  apt 
to  live  in  the  depths  of  the  country  is  well  drawn,  and  the 
characters  are  distinct  and  lifelike.  And,  after  all,  Devon- 
shire lanes  were  made  for  courting. 


Tut,  tut. 


"Another  IMg  Hit. 
'Your  Eyes  Have  Told  Me  So.'" 

Song  advertisement. 

Where  was  the  Eev.  Mr.  MEYER  ? 


"  In  the  interests  of  sport  tho  cinematograph  should  be 
excluded  from  the  lling,"  says  a  boxing  writer.  An  expert 
tells  us  this  is  actually  the  custom  under  Quesnsbsrry 
rules,  only  the  principals  and  the  referee  being  allowed 
inside  the  ropes. 


OCTOBER  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THK   LONDON   CIIAKIVARI. 


CHARIVARIA. 

ITALY,  it  is  said,  was  at  ono  time 
prepared  to  pay  two  and  a-lialf  million 
pounds  for  Tripoli.  Now,  hov 
that  tin;  place  has  been  so  much  in- 
jured hy  a  bombardment  sbo  will 
exprct  to  get  tiie  damaged  article  for 
a  very  much  lower  price. 


There  is  just  this  excuse  for  Italy  : 
with  the  advent  of  the  cold  weather 
a  desire  for  "  a  place  in  the  sun  "  is, 
we  suppose,  not  altogether  — 

unnatural. 

•-,'•     _     •':'• 

"  We  have  a  Tripoli  of  our 
own  in  England,"  says  a 
paragraph  in  The  Daily 
Chronicle.  "  It  is  Plymouth, 
which,  when  spoken  of  col- 
lectively, is  always  termed 
locally  '  The  Three  Towns.' ' 
This  may  be  so,  but  it  is 
surely  madness  to  let  Italy 
know  it.  ...  ... 

"  The  general  municipal 
council  of  Corsica,"  we  read, 
"  has  protested  against  cine- 
matographers  representing 
the  island  as  a  land  of  bri- 
gands." It  certainly  does 
seem  a  shame,  in  view  of  re- 
cent events,  to  particularise 
any  one  part  of  the  Italian 
Kingdom  in  this  respect. 

M.  DELCASSE  has  decided 
to  do  away  with  Powder  B. 
in  the  French  Navy  in  view 
of  its  obvious  dangers.     As 
Germany  succeeded  recently 
in  persuading  Turkey  to  pur- 
chase two  of  her  old  battle- ! 
ships,  diplomatic  pressure,  it  j 
is    rumoured,   will    now    be ' 
exerted    by    France    to    get 
Turkey    to    take    over    this 
discarded  powder. 

Mr.  EDISON  has  expressed 
the  opinion  that  the  English  are  the 
highest  type,  physically,  morally  and 
mentally,  in  Europe,  .and  some  of  our 
friends  on  the  Continent  are  saying  that 
this  is  the  most  remarkable  invention 


much  to  ask  that  they  should  at 
be  disinfected  ? 

Tho  Dublin  Corporation  hasch; 
the  name  of  Great  Britain  Street  t<> 
Parnell  Street.  And  now  we  are 
tri'mhling  lest,  when  tho^Home  Hulers 
are  invested  with  s'.ill  greater  powers, 
they  shall  change  the  name  of  our 
little  island  itself  to  Parnell. 

At  Bournemouth    the    Government 
auditor   has   refused   to    sanction    the 


in  the  London  Fire  Brigade  one  day's 
rest  in  seven  is  being  considered  once 
more.  Meanwhile  foreign  merchants 
and  others  will  greatly  oblige  if  they 
will  ha\e  their  lires  on  other  days  than 
Sundays. 


t  t-.CROAC.r-- 


that    the 
made. 


veteran    scientist    has    ever 


A  number  of  manuscript  plays  be- 
longing to  M.  ALPHONSE  FKANCKE  were 
recently  stolen,  and  thrown  into  a  rub- 
bish heap,  whence  they  were  ultimately 
rescued.  They  had,  however,  to  be 
lisinfectel.  Wo  can  hardly  dare  to 
tiope  that  many  of  the  manuscripts  of 
our  British  playwrights  will  ba  trans- 
?erred  to  the  rubbish  heap ;  but  is  it  too 


Nervous  mait!e:i  ladies  living  in  the 
neighbourhood  were  thrown  into  some- 
thing   approaching    a   state   of   panic 
on  hearing  a  wild   rumour,  the  other 
day,   that   an    "osculator"   ha  I    been 
installed  at  Earls  Court  Station.     We 
have  much  pleasure  in  stat- 
ing   that   the   word    should 
have  been  "  escalator." 

V 

It  is  rumoured  that  a  num- 
l>er  of  kind-hearts.!  persons 
in  America,  touched  by  our 
grief  at  losing  Tattershall 
Castle,  are  raising  a  fund 
with  a  view  to  presenting 
the  people  of  Lincolnshire 
with  a  New  York  sky-scraper 
which  is  about  to  be  de- 
molished owing  to  its  being 
out-of-date. 

The  wave  of  humanitar- 
ianism  which  threatens  to 
attest  everything  connected 
with  our  prison  system  is 
spreading.  A  Black  Maria 
completely  broke  down  at 
Shepherd's  Bush  the  other 
day.  ,v, 

"All  Cats' Day  "was  held 
for  the  first  time  on  the  1st 
inst.,  when  lovers  of  cats 
throughout  the  country  were 
asked  to  make  some  little 
effort  "  to  lighten  the  lot  of 
these  neglected  and  misun- 
derstood animals."  Dogs  are 
of  the  opinion  that  it  is  only 
because  these  creatures  are 
misunderstood  that  they  are 
tolerated  at  all. 

Much    sympathy    is   still 
expenditure  of  over  £900  in  entertain-   being  shown  in  U.S»A.  about  Canada's 
ing  the  mayors  who  visited  the  town  Declaration  of  Independence.    It  is  felt 
for  the  centenary  fetes  last  year,  and  it  to  be  in  the  true  spirit  of  reciprocity, 
is  thought  that,  when  the  time  cornss,  i 

the   celebration  of  Bournemouth's  bi- 1     There  are  now  75,967  recipients  of 
centenary  will  be  an  extremely  quiet  old-age  pensions  in  the  London  County 
affair.  ...  ...  Council    area,    which    is    more    than 

double  the  number  of  pensioners  at  the 

A  picturesque  harvest  festival  service  inception  of  the  scheme.     We  always 
was  held  at  the  Church  of  St.  Magnus  ;  thought  the  idea  was  bound  to  prove 
the  Martyr,  Billingsgate,  the  building  increasingly  popular, 
being  decorated  with  every  fish  known  j  *..,* 

to  our  islands.  The  conceit  of  the  first  "  The  Bakerloo  Tuba  was  recently 
periwinkle  that  ever  went  to  church  disorganised  by  a  train  jumping  the 
was  said  to  be  very  marked.  points  at  Westminster  Bridge  Road 

*..;*  Station  and  damaging  the  permanent 

The  advisability  of  granting  all  men  |  way."     More  railway  unrest ! 


Consumer.  "Ar.E  THESE  TOKK  OR  ML'TTOX  CHOPS?" 
Waiter.  "CAX'T  YOU  TELL  BY  THE  TASTE,  Siu?" 
Consumer.   "Xo!" 
Waiter    (querulously).     "THEN" 
THEY  FKE  CALLED?" 


WHAT      DOES      IT      MATT!  T.      WHAT 


VOL.    CXI.I. 


252 


PUNCH,  Oil.  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  11,  1911. 


ON    MIXED    SHOOTING. 

LET  my  Bettina  take  it  not  amiss 

Nor  deem  that  from  my  side  I  wish  to  shove  her 
If  1  forego  the  too,  too  poignant  bliss 

Of  her  adjacence  in  the  hedgerow's  cover, 

Where  1  propose  to  lurk 
And  do  among  the  driven  birds  some  deadly  work. 

Linked  in  the  dance,  you  cannot  be  too  near, 

Nor  where  the  waves  permit  our  joint  immersion  ; 
Dinners  or  theatres  yield  an  added  cheer 
With  you  beside  me  to  afford  diversion 

From  thoughts  of  play  or  platter, 
And  not  of  fundamental  things  that  really  matter. 

But  here,  where  my  immortal  soul,  afire 

With  fervour  savouring  almost  of  religion, 
Fain  would  pursue,  unvexed,  its  one  desire — 
To  down  the  partridge  or  the  errant  pigeon, 

\Vhat  if  you  stood  (or  sat) 
Close  by  and  asked  me  if  I  liked  your  latest  hat  ? 

I  could  not  bear  it ;  you  would  sap  my  nerve ; 

My  hand  and  eye  would  cease  to  work  together ; 
I  could  not  rightly  gauge  the  covey's  swerve, 

And,  swinging  round  to  spray  the  rearmost  feather, 

I  might  mislay  my  wits 
And  blow  your  smart  confection  into  little  bits. 

Go  rather  where  he  stands,  a  field  away, 

Yon  youth  who  likes  himself;  go  there,  my  Betty, 
Beguile  his  vision  ;  round  his  trigger  lay 

"  One  strangling  golden  hair  "  (D.  G/EOSSETTI). 

That  ought  to  spoil  his  feats 
And  keep  him  fairly  quiet  in  between  the  beats. 

But  later,  when  the  luncheon-hour  is  come, 

Be  near  me  all  you  will ;  for  then  your  prattle 
Will  be  most  welcome  with  its  pleasant  hum 
So  out  of  place  amid  the  stress  of  battle  ; 

Over  an  Irish  stew, 
With  "Bristol  cream"  to  top  it,  I  am  tout  a  vous. 

Not  that  your  virtues  have  no  higher  use ; 

Such  gifts  would  grace  the  loftiest  position ; 
But  where  the  birds  come  down  wind  like  the  deuce 
I  mark  the  limit  of  your  woman's  mission  ; 

In  other  circs,  elsewhere, 
"  A  ministering  angel  thou ;  "  but  not  just  there. 


OUE    COMPLETE    NOVELETTE. 

[Printed  backwards,  for  the  convenience  of  those  readers  who  prefer 
to  know  the  end  first.] 

CHAPTER   VI. — EVENING. 

PHILIP  sat  in  the  library  of  his  father's  house,  studying 
idly  the  illustrated  papers.  Little  recked  he  of  the  turn 
his  affairs  had  taken  sinca  the  morning. 

Suddenly  there  was  a  knock  at  the  door.     Even  that  did  ' 
not  fill  him  with  vague  apprehensions.     "Come  in,"   he 
said  merely. 

It  was  a  telegram — a  telegram  from  Eva.  Philip  opened 
it  and  read. 

"  Well,  I  'm  blest !  "  he  said. 

THE  END. 

(Printed  by  the  One  and  Only  Press,  London  and 
Edinburgh.) 

CHAPTER  V. — -LATE  AFTERNOON. 

It  was  a  passionate  and  tear-stained  Eva  that  sat  down 
at  her  escritoire  to  write  the  fatal  letter,  the  letter  which 


should  terminate  for  ever  her  betrothal  to  Philip  Stanmore. 
The  tense  silence  of  the  room  was  unbroken  save  by 
the  scratching  of  her  pen.  Twice  only  she  paused  in  her 
writing.  Did  she  waver  in  her  purposs ?  No.  Her  diffi- 
culty was  purely  technical.  When  one  is  breaking  off  an 
engagement,  can  one  address  the  other  party  as  "  Dear," 
if  only  "Sir"?  When  one  has  broken  off  one's  engage- 
ment, can  one  then  sign  oneself  "  Yours,"  if  only  "  truly  "  ? 
Then  a  naughty  devil  in  her  whispered  a  tempting  and  easy 
way  out.  She  picked  up  a  telegraph  form. 

CHAPTER  IV.— EARLY  AFTERNOON*. 

The  sister  and  the  fiancee  stood  face  to  face.  To  each, 
the  face  of  the  other  appeared  repulsive — repulsive  in  itself, 
and  repulsive  because  it  belonged  to  its  owner.  Eva  hud 
called  Jano  Stanmore  "  My  dear,"  and  had  meant  the 
worst  that  could  be  said.  Jane  had  called  Eva  "  Darling," 
and  had  meant  the  worst  that  could  be  thought.  So  now 
they  stood  face  to  face,  Eva  alleging  regrets  that  she  must 
go,  Jane  pressing  her  to  stay  yet  awhile.  In  such  words 
as  these  the  most  violent  passions  and  the  most  burning 
animosities  of  the  drawing-room  are  expressed. 

No  sooner  was  the  door  closed  behind  the  departing  Eva 
than  "Yellow!"  shrieked  Jane  hysterically,  raising  her 
hands  to  heaven  in  scorn.  "  Yellow !  and  she  knows  my 
complexion  can't  stand  it.  Deliberate  spite  I  call  it. 
Yellow!  The  cat!"  Bursting  into  tears,  she  almost 
wished  she  were  dead.  She  quite  wished  Eva  were  dead. 
Death,  however,  being  out  of  the  question,  she  determined 
to  make  life  unbearable  to  Philip,  Philip  her  inoffensive, 
you  might  have  even  supposed  irrelevant,  brother. 

Meanwhile  Eva  was  being  driven,  furious  in  heart,  she 
knew  not  where.  "Blue  !  "  she  was  crying  to  herself,  "  my 
goodness,  blue  !  The  commonest,  most  out  of  fashion  colour 
she  can  think  off.  Blue  !  The  cat !  " 

CHAPTER  III. — LATE  MORN-ING. 

As  the  two  girls  wera  rapidly  passing  from  the  utmost 
affection  to  the  merest  politeness,  Philip  entered.  The 
-.ituation  was  explained  to  him.  He  smiled  confidently. 

"  Eva  says  yellow,  Jane  says  blue,"  said  he.  "  Why 
not  split  the  difference  and  have  green  ?  " 

"  Green  ?  "  asked  Eva,  with  scorn. 

"  Green!  "  cried  Jane,  with  derision.  For  a  moment  it 
seemed  as  if  the  two  were  to  be  driven  into  alliance. 
But  no. 

"At  any  rate,  it  is  better  than  blue,  my  dear,"  said  Eva. 

"  And  yet,"  said  Jane,  "  I  believe  I  'd  sooner  have  even 
green  than  yellow,  darling." 

CHAPTER  II. — EARLY  MORNING. 

The  two  girls  rushed  into  each  other's  arms  between 
every  sentence.  The  history  of  the  proposal  finished, 
they  came  to  business.  "  I  refuse  to  ba  married  to  Philip 
unless  you  will  be  my  chief  bridesmaid,"  said  Eva. 

"Oh,  but  I  should  love  it!"  answered  Jane,  and  they 
kissed  with  renewed  fervour.  "  AncTwhat  about  the  colour 
of  the  bridesmaids'  dresses  ?  What  do  you  think  of  blue, 
for  instance  ?  " 

"  Blue  would  be  simply  sweet,"  said  Eva,  a  little  firmly. 
"But  do  you  know,  I  almost  think  I  prefer  yellow  ?  " 

"  Yellow  !  "  said  Jane. 

CHAPTER  I. — OVERNIGHT. 

Philip  kissed  Eva  for  the  last  time  but  one  bafore  part- 
ing for  the  evening.  "  And  whatever  happens,  through 
thick  and  thin  and  right  till  the  very  end,  you  will  stick 
to  me,  my  darling  ?  "  he  whispered. 

"  Swestest,"  said  Eva,  looking  into  his  eyes  with  her 
own  fearless  and  undoubting  gaze,  "nothing  shall  ever 
part  us." 


ITN'CH,  OR  THE  LONDONOHABTVAEL— OoroBM  U,  1911. 


THE   WELSH   NATIONAL   STEEPLECHASE, 

•"OLD    WOMAN,    OLD    WOMAN,    WHITHER    SO    HIGH?' 
•TO    SWEEP    THE    STEEPLES    OFF    THE    SKY."' 


OCTOBER  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON   CIIAIIIVAILI. 


200 


WHAT    OUR    ARTIST    HAS    TO    PUT    UP  WITH. 

Pa  ram.  "VEnY  KICK!    VERY  EXCEILEXT,  INDEED!    AXD  \VHK.MK  is  IT?' 


THE  £400  LOOK. 

WE  are  to-day  able  to  publish  the 
exclusive  information  that  certain  of 
our  Members  of  Parliament  are  not 
quite  satisfied,  all  things  considered, 
that  they  should  receive  payment  for 
their  services.  This  noble  little  band 
of  amateur  politicians  has  adopted  the 
plan,  we  understand,  of  quietly  slipping 
the  first  quarterly  cheque  in  at  the 
back  of  the  fire  without  a  word  to  any 
one.  But  we  doubt  if  they  will  be  quite 
able  to  retain  their  former  status.  Our 
representative  interviewed  the  Editor 
of  The  Sportsman  last  night,  who  con- 
firmed our  view  that  any  amateur, 
wittingly  compating  against  a  pro- 
fessional, thereby  became  ipso  facto 
a  professional. 

Yet  it  can  hardly  be  that  these  little 
acts  of  unostentatious  self-sacrifice 
should  be  in  vain.  Already  it  is  leak- 
ing out.  Despite  all  efforts  at  conceal- 
ment, rumours  of  the  New  Altruism 
are  abroad.  Among  secretaries  of 
charitable  institutions — who  are  quite 
as  wide-awake  as  you  and  I  —  the 
present  is  considered  a  good  moment 
for  appeals.  Those  who  are  asking 
definitely  for  the  sum  of  £400  ("to 


clear  off  the  remaining  debt  ")  are  now 
admitted  to  have  made  the  stupid 
blunder  of  forgetting  the  Income  Tax. 
The  popular  figure  (  "  urgently  needed 
to  meet  an  unexpected  emergency  ")  is 
£385.  We  do  not  know  how  far  this 
movement  is  meeting  with  success,  but 
we  may  say,  as  a  mere  straw  to  show 
the  direction  of  the  wind,  that  we  have 
heard  to-day  of  a  projected  cottage 
hospital  in  one  of  the  Northern  coun- 
ties whose  site  has  suddenly  been 
removed  without  explanation  from  a 
Liberal  constituency  into  a  Unionist  one. 
We  have  every  reason  to  hope  that 
the  New  Altruism,  as  yet  in  its  infancy, 
will  have  a  profound  and  far-reaching 
effect  upon  our  national  life.  If 
Members  of  Parliament  in  any  great 
numbers  take  up  the  position  that 
they  will  not  be  paid  for  their  services 
because  they  like  doing  that  sort  of 
thing,  depend  upon  it  they  will  not  be 
allowed  to  stand  alone.  Others  will 
follow.  We  believe  that  the  moment 
is  a  good  one  and  that  public  spirit  is 
ripe.  People  are  beginning  to  recog- 
nise, for  instance,  that  the  whole  of 
the  agitation  which  resulted  in  the  sup- 
pression of  the  WELLS-JOHNSON  fight 
would  have  fallen  to  the  ground  had  the 


two  combatants  come  forward  at  the 
beginning  and  frankly  announced  that 
they  had  no  desire  to  be  paid  for  their 
services,  for  boxing  was  its  own  reward. 

We  learn  in  the  same  connection 
that  there  is  no  little  searching  of 
heart  among  the  paid  officials  of  the 
Amalgamated  Society  of  Railway 
Servants.  We  should  not  be  at  aU 
surprised  at  the  announcement  that 
they  also  had  decided  to  accept  no 
further  remuneration  for  their  labours 
on  the  ground  that  they  do  it  for  the 
sheer  love  of  the  thing. 

Other  significant  information  reaches 
us  from  Scotland.  There  is  a  growing 
restlessness,  it  seems,  among  the  old- 
age  pensioners  in  the  poorer  parts  of 
Glasgow.  They  do  not  wish  to  be 
regarded  as  professionals  and  they  very 
strongly  object  to  have  their  age  and 
poverty  flung  in  their  faces.  There  is 
some  talk  of  forming  a  Society  of 
Passively  Resisting  Septuagenarians, 
whose  members  will  bind  themselves 
to  abstain. 


"Braid  lost  the  tenth  through  putting  40 
yards  into  the  rough. " — Olasyow  Herald. 

"  Never  up,  never  in,"  but  this  is  over- 
doing it. 


256 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBEII    11,    1911. 


THE   HOTEL  CHILD. 

I  WAS  in  the  lounge  when  I  made 
her  acquaintance,  enjoying  a  pipe  after 
ica,  and  perhaps — I  don't  know — 
closing  my  eyes  now  and  then. 

"  Would  you  like  to  see  triy  shells '?" 
she  asked  suddenly. 

I  woke  up  and  looked  at  her.     She 
was  about  seven  years  old,  pretty,  dark, 
and  very  much  at  ease. 
"  I  should  love  it,"  I  said. 
She  produced  a  large  paper  hag  from 
somewhere,  and  poured   the  contents 
in  front  of  me. 

"I've  got  two  hundred  and  fifty- 
eight,"  she  announced. 

"  So  I  see,"  I  said.  I  wasn't  going 
to  count  them. 

"  I  think  they  're  very  pretty.  I  '11 
give  you  one  if  you  like.  Which  one 
will  you  choose  ?  " 

I  sat  up  and  examined  them  care- 
fully.    Seeing  how  short   a   time  w 
had   known   each  other   I   didn't   fee 
that  I  could  take  one  of  the  good  ones 
After  a  little  thought  I  chose  quite  a 
plain  one   whicli    had    belonged  to   i 
winkle  some  weeks  ago. 

"  Thank  you  very  much,"  I  said. 
"  I  don't  think  you  choose  shells  a 
all  well,"  she  said  scornfully.     "  That ': 
one  of  the  ugly  ones." 

"  It  will  grow  on  me,"  I  explained 
"In  a  year  or  two  I  shall  think  r 
beautiful." 

"I'll  let  you  have  this  one  too,"  she 
said,  picking  out  the  best.  "  Now 
shall  we  play  at  something  ?  " 

I  had  been  playing  at  something  al_ 
day.  A  little  thinking  in  front  of  the 
fire  was  my  present  programme. 

'  Let 's  talk   instead,"   I  suggested 
"  What 's  your  name  ?  " 
"Betty." 

"I  knew  it  was  Betty.     You   look 
just  like  Betty." 
"What's  yours?  " 
Somehow    I   hadn't   expected   that. 
After  all,  though,  it  was  only  fair. 
"  Orlando,"  I  said. 

"What  a  funny  name.  I  don't 
like  it." 

"You  should  have  said  so  before. 
It's  tco  late  now.  What  have  you 
been  doing  all  day  ?  " 

"  Playing  on  the  sands.  What  have 
you  been  doing  ?  " 

"I've  been  playing  in  the  sand  too. 
I  suppose,  Betty,  you  know  nearly 
everybody  in  the  hotel?  " 

"Oh,  I  play  with  them  all  sometimes." 

"  Yes ;  then  tell  me,  Betty,  do  you  ever 

get  asked  what  time  you  go  to  bed?" 

"  They  all  ask  me  that,"  said  Betty 

promptly. 

"I  think  I  should  like  to  ask  you 
o,"  I  said,  "just  to  be  in  the  move- 
When  is  it  ?  " 


too. 
ment. 


"  Half-past  six."  She  looked  at  the 
clock.  '•  So  we've  got  half-an-hour. 
I'll  get  my  ball." 

Before  I  had  time  to  do  anything 
about  it,  the  ball  came  bouncing  in, 
hit  me  on  the  side  of  the  head,  and 
hurried  off  to  hide  itself  under  an  old 
lady  dozing  in  the  corner.  Betty  fol- 
lowed more  sedately. 

"  Where's  my  ball?  "  she  asked. 
"  Has  it  come  in  ?  "  I  said   in  sur- 
prise.    "  Then  it  must  have  gone  out 
again.     It  noticed  you  weren't  here." 
"  I  believe  you've  got  it." 
"  I  swear  I  haven't,  Betty.     I  think 
the  lady  in  the   corner   knows  some 
thing  about  it." 

Betty  rushed  across  to  her  and  began 
to  crawl  under  her  chair.  I  nervously 
rehearsed  a  few  sentences  to  myself. 

"  It   is   not   my   child,    madam, 
found  it  here.    Surely  you  can  see  tha 
there  is   no  likeness  between  us  ?     1 
we  keep  quite  still  perhaps  she  will  go 
away." 

"  I  've  got  it,"  cried  Betty,  and  the 
old  lady  woke  up  with  a  jerk. 

"  What  are  you  doing,  child  ?  "  she 
said  crossly. 

"  Your  little  girl,  madam,"  I  -began 
— but  Betty's  ball  hit  me  on  the 
head  again  before  I  could  develop  my 
theme. 

Your  little  girl,  Sir,"  began  the  olc 
lady  at  the  same  moment. 

"  I    said    it     first,"     I     murmured. 
"  Betty,"  I  went  on  aloud,   "  what  is 
your  name,  my  child  ?  " 
"  You  Ve  just  said  it." 
"  I  mean,"  I  corrected  myself  quickly, 
where  do  you  live  ?  " 
"  Kensington." 

I  looked  triumphantly  at  the  old 
lady.  Surely  a  father  wouldn't  need  to 
ask  his  own  child  where  she  lived? 
However,  the  old  lady  was  asleep  again. 
I  turned  to  Betty. 

"We  shall  have  to  play  this  game 
more  quietly,"  1  said.  "  In  fact,  we  had 
better  make  some  new  rules.  Instead 
of  hitting  me  on  the  head  each  time, 
you  can  roll  the  ball  gently  along  the 
loor  to  me,  and  I  shall  roll  it  gently 
jack  to  you.  And  the  one  who  misses 
t  first  goes  to  bed." 

I  gave  her  an  easy  one  to  start  with, 
wishing  to  work  up  naturally  to  the 
lenouement,  and  she  gave  me  a  very 
lifficult  one  back,  not  quite  understand- 
ng  the  object  of  the  game. 

"  You  've  got  to  go  to  bed,"  she  cried, 
slapping  her  hands.  "You've  got— 
o  go— to  bed.  You've  got— to  go— 

o  bed.     You  've ." 

"  All  right,"  I  said  coldly.  "  Don't 
make  a  song  about  it." 

It  was  ten  minutes  past  six.  I 
'enerally  go  to  bed  at  eleven-thirty.  It 
vould  be  the  longest  night  I  had  had 


for    years.      I    sighed    and    prepared 
to  go. 

"  You  needn't  go  till  half-past,"  said 
Betty  kindly. 

"  No,  no,"  I  said  firmly.  "  Rules  are 
rules."  I  had  just  remembered  that 
there  was  nothing  in  the  rules  about 
not  getting  up  again. 

"  Thai  I  '11  come  with  you  and  see 
your  room." 

"No,  you  mustn't  do  that ;  you  'd  fall 
out  of  the  window.  It 's  a  very  tricky 
window.  I  'm  always  falling  out  of  it 
myself." 

"  Then  let 's  go  on  playing  here,  and 
we  won't  go  to  bed  if  we  "miss." 

"  Very  well,"  I  agreed.  Eeally  there 
was  nothing  else  for  it. 

Robbed  of  its  chief  interest  the  game 
proved,  after  ten  minutes  or  so,  to  be 
one  of  the  duller  ones.  Whatever 
people  say,  I  don't  think  it  compares 
with  cricket,  for  instance.  It  is  cer- 
tainly not  so  subtle  as  golf. 

"  I  like  playing  this  game,"  said 
Betty.  "Don't  you?" 

"  I  think  I  shall  get  to  love  it,"  I 
said,  looking  at  the  clock.  There  were 
still  five  minutes,  and  I  rolled  down  a 
very  fast  googly  which  beat  her  en- 
tirely and  went  straight  for  the  door. 
Under  the  old  rules  she  would  have 
gone  to  bed  at  once.  Alas,  that— 

"  Look  out,"  I  said  as  she  went  after 
it,  "there's  somebody  coming  in." 

Somebody  came  in.  She  smiled 
ruefully  at  us  and  then  took  Betty's 
hand. 

"I'm  afraid  my  little  girl  has  been 
worrying  you,"  she  said  prettily. 
"  1  knciu  you'd  say  that,"  said  Betty. 

A.  A.  M. 

Idttle  Known  Facts  about  the 

Education  Office. 

"Mr.  Steer  denied  that  in  passing  the  motion 
they  were  following  a  dead  liors?.  The  horse 
,vas  not  dead,  and  its  spirit  still  reigned  at  the 
Education  Office  to  the  detriment  of  fully 
jualitied  teachers." 


A  local  Italian,  on  being  asked  whether  he 
lad  been  summoned  home  for  military  si-rvioo, 
•eplied  in  the  negative,  adding  that  he  was  '  a 
iiystallised  Englishman.'  After  a  few  minutes 
)f  mental  research  his  interrogator  came  to  the 
(inclusion  that  what  the  descendant  of  the 
tomans  meant  was  'nationalised.'  " 

Rothcstiy  E 


And  after  another  few  minutes  of 
mental  research  we  have  come  to  the 
.onclusion  that  what  our  contemporary 
neant  was  "naturalised." 


'Sir  William  Osier,  Regius  Professor  of 
ledicine  at  Oxford  University,  who  once  sug- 
'ested  that  a  man  was  too  old  at  forty  and 
itterly  useless  for  all  practical  purposes  after 
ixty,  has  been  appointed,  at  the  age  of  sixty- twA 
lilliman  Lecturer  at  YaleUimciy  ty  for  October 
912." 

Very  appropriate  he  must  consider  it. 


°<T'""-"  J1'  1!l11-]  IM'XCIF,    OH   TIIK    LONDON 'CHARIVARI." 


207 


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a 


.  4 
21 

£2    ° 

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I 


CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER    11,    1911. 


BlKKKU, 

"  Ireland 
Mr.  JIM 
of  the  Castle  officials,  has 
ired  rights   of 


THE  ABSENTEES. 
A  DUOLOGUE. 

[While  Lord  ABEKPKKX   and    Mr. 
have  be.-n  acting  OB  the  nriicaple  ttot 

is  a  grand  country  to  live  out  of, 

LAHKIN.  the  t,fM<ji 

apparently    not    allowed   the   sac 

illegality  and   disorder   to   sutler   from   undue 

discouragement.] 

B.  FAR  from  the  Castle  and  the  stream, 
Whose  odours  hem  the  Phoenix 

Park  in, 

Say,  ABERDEEN,  what  fitter  theme 
Could   we   discuss    than    JIMMY 
LARKIN  ? 

A.  Agreed,  dear  BIRRELL,  for  I  find 

That  care  has  lost  the  power  of 

carkin' 

Since  I  resolved  to  leave  behind 
As   acting- Viceroy,   JIMMY 
LAHKIN. 

B.  Why  should  I  sacrifice  my  ease 

And  slave  at  dull  laborious 

clerkin' 

(I,  too,  can  clip  my  final  g's), 
When   I   can  count   on   JIMMY 

LARKIN  ? 

A.  Old  HEROD'S  was  an  iron  rule — 

He  made  a  hobby  of  tetrarchin'— 
But  HEROD  was  a  perfect  fool 
Compared  to  Mr.  JIMMY  LARKIN. 

B.  If  Dublin's  babies  cry  for  bread, 

Let)  Yorkshire  send  them  lots  of 

parkin, 

And  Banbury  its  cakes,  instead  ; 
But  do  not  bother  JIMMY  LARKIN. 

A.  I  think  as  little  of  my  foes 

As  of  a  plug  that  fails  in  sparkin' 
Lapped  in  majestical  repose 
I  leave  it 'all  to  JIMMY  LAHKIN. 

B.  Superb  was  NELSON  at  the  Nile, 

Superb  was  the   notorious 

TARQUIN 

(The  rhyme,  I  own,  is  simply  vile), 
But  more  super!)  is  JIMMY 
LARKIN. 

A 


Me  Scotland  draws  with  ancient  ties, 
I  claim,  you  know,  with  Lochin- 

var  kin. 
Me   Wales   enchants   with    brassy 

lies — 

Both.  Ireland   we   leave   to   JIMMY 
LARKIN. 


B 


"A  thin,  slender  figure  of  middle  height,  the 
face  which  sunnounted  it,  with  its  thin,  greyish- 
white  beard  and  much-bitten  moustache,  so 
trwnmod  as  to  make  the  upper  part  of  his  face 
and  head  look  even  broader  than  it  was,  gave 
the  impression  of  an  old  ecclesiastical  ascetic, 
and  the  wrinkled  chin  around  his  eyes  increased 
the  look  of  age." — Morning  Post. 

We  often  wrinkle  our  chin  in  anxious 
thought,  but  we  can  never  get  it 
higher  than  the  nose. 


LATEST  WAE  NEWS 
(From  all  sources), 

CORFU.  Tuesday.  — The  DUKE  OF 
ABRUZZI  has  threatened  to  bombard 
Preveza  unless  the  two  small  motor 
canoes  at  present  in  the  harbour  are 
surrendered.  . 

ROUE.  Wednesday.— It  is  officially 
denied  that  any  attempt  will  be  made 
by  Italy  to  bombard  Preveza.  It  is 
known,  however,  that  there  are  two 
small  motor  canoes  hiding  in  the 
harbour,  and  the  DUKE  OF  ABRUZZI 
has  ordered  a  strong  squadron  of  the 
Italian  fleet  to  intercept  them  should 
they  attempt  to  escape. 

MALTA.— Heavy  firing  has  been  heard 
at  sea,  and  it  is  surmised  that  Tripoli 
is  being  bombarded. 

Later. — A  heavy  thunderstorm  is  also 
reported,  so  it  may  be  this. 

PEKIN. — A  wireless  message  from 
Tunis  states  that  the  Italian  fleet  is 
bombarding  the  Metripolitan  Railway. 

The  Italian  Embassy  has  issued  an 
official  denial  of  the  above,  and  states 
that  the  Metripolitan  Railway  is  still 
running  an  efficient  though  restricted 
service.  This  statement  is  borne  out 
by  the  Special  Correspondent  of  The 
Sporting  Radical  News,  who  had  a 
capital  view  of  the  bombardment 
through  opera-glasses  from  85  miles 
away,  and  can  vouch  for  the  fact  that 
not  a  single  private  Tripolitan  was 
injured. 

The  massing  of  Turkish  troops 
on  the  Albanian  coast  has  begun. 
Fourteen  men,  under  the  command 
of  an  officer,  have  concentrated  at 
Elassona. 

The  above  message  was  telegraphed 
from  Bergen  via  Ristovac  in  conse- 
quence of  the  censorship. 

The  Daily  Mail  special  correspondent 
at  Lucerne  says  that  the  Secolo's  Rome 
correspondent  telegraphs  that  the 
Tribuna  states  that  a  special  edition 
of  The  New  York  Herald  gives  credence 
to  a  rumour  in  the  Matin  that  the 
KAISER  has  despatched  a  lengthy  tele- 
gram to  the  SULTAN. 

It  is  now  thought,  says  the  Paris 
Journal,  that  the  second  pair  of  Turkish 
motor  punts  supposed  to  have  been  sunk 
by  the  Italian  fleet  is  probably  only 
the  first  pair  over  again  under  assumed 
names.  In  Milan  this  theory  is  re- 
suspicion. 
WAR  ITEMS. 

"Trips  to  Tripoli"  will  be  the  subject 
next  Sunday  at  St.  Mary- at  -  Hill, 
Monument. 

Two  Italians  appeared  at  Bow  Street 
yesterday  charged  with  assaulting  a 


garded  with 


The  Rev.  F.  B.  MEYER  denies  that  he 
is  determined  to  stop  the  fight  or  that 
he  has  offered  to  go  over  to  Rome  in 
any  sense  whatever. 

JAMES  BRAID  considers  the  Tripoli 
Golf  course  one  of  the  finest  that  he 
has  ever  laid  out. 

In  1862  Mr.  Gladstone  said,"  Turkey's 
adversity  is  Europe's  opportunity." 

It  is  not  generally  known  that  MARK 
ANTONY  once  fought  and  lost  a  naval 
battle  at  Actium  in  B.C.  31. 

SHAKSPEARE  alludes  to  "  Tripolis  " 
three  times  in  The  Merchant  of  Venice 
and  once  in  The  Taming  of  the  Shrew. 

Miss  Maudie  Trevelyan  is  singing  a 
new  song  at  the  Tooting  Hippodrome 
with  the  haunting  refrain,  "  Take,  take, 
take  me  to  Tripoli,  do !  do ! !  do ! ! ! 


total  stranger 
Turkish  Bath. 


who    was    entering    a 


GREATNESS. 

As,  many  years  ago,  a  poet 

Rose  at  a  single  bound  to  fame — 
I  can't  remember  which  one  (blow  it!) 
But  you,  perhaps,  recall  his  name ; 
'Twas  he  who  woke  one  morning  (it 's 

alleged) 
A  lion,  so  to  put  it,  fully  fledged ; 

Or  as  a  modest  man  who  dashes 

To  stop  a  horse  that  runs  amuck, 
Arrests  it,  so  that  nothing  smashes, 
And  gets  applauded  for  his  pluck, 
The  crowd,  who  watched  and  thought 

to  see  him  dead, 

Collecting  round  to  cheer  and  pat  his 
head; 

So  Glory  came,  when  least  expected 

To  shine  upon  my  humble  way  ; 
So  Fame  her  sudden  beam  directed 

Upon  my  head  the  other  day ; 
Though  I  had  made  no  verses  worth  a 

toss, 

Nor  rushed  along  the  street  to  stop  a 
hoss. 

I  had  done  nothing,  yet  'twas  pleasant 

To  feel  that  I  was  really  great, 
To  know  that  all  and  sundry  present 

Were  envious  of  my  lofty  state, 
To  catch  the  sidelong  glances  thrown 

at  me, 

And  hear  the  youngsters  whisper, "  Look 
at  'e !  " 

How  oddly  Fate  bestows  her  bounty ! 

For  this  is  how  it  came  about : — 

The    Wolves    were    playing    Derby 

County, 
And  as  we  watched  them  coming 

out 

Their  Internationalhalf-back.McCRAKE, 
Nodded  at  me  in  passing  (by  mistake). 


"  ARMY    AIRSHIPS. 

RIPPING   PANEL  EXPERIMENT.'' 

.Morning  Post. 
How  jolly !     We  wish  we  'd  seen  it. 


OCTOBER  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


259 


ARE  GEANDPARENTS  JEALOUS? 
INTERESTING  SYMPOSIUM. 

THE  statement  recently  made  in 
court  by  Lord  Justice  Starling,  that 
a  sinister  feature  of  modern  life  was 
the  bitter  jealousy  of  their  juniors 
exhibited  by  grandparents,  has  elicited 
a  number  of  remarkable  pronounce- 
ments from  leading  luminaries  of  the 
Church,  the  Stage  and  other  prominent 
callings,  from  which  we  cull  the 
following  representative  utterances  : — 

MADAME  SARAH  BEHNHAHDT. 
My  opinion,  take  it  for  all  in  all,  as 
your  divine  SHAKSPEABE  has  it,  is 
simply  this,  that  a  well-regulated  (bien 
rang&c)  grandmother,  or  even  a  great- 
grandmother,  should  be  incapable  of 
jealousy  of  any  of  her  descendants. 
But  then  she  must  possess  genius,  mag- 
netism and  the  gift  of  eternal  youth. 

FATHER  BERNARD  VAUGHAN. 
Nothing  is  more  painful  than  the 
artificial  apotheosis  of  old  age  due  to 
modern  aids  to  longevity.  In  May-fau- 
lt is  the  commonest  thing  to  see 
bejewelled  and  painted  grandmothers 
entering  into  unfair  competition  with 
their  granddaughters,  dancing  all 
night  and  bridging  all  day,  while  the 
young  people  sadly  accept  the  rdlc  of 
wallflower  or  find  solace  in  slumming. 
No,  grandparents  are  not  jealous  ;  but 
grandchildren  are  envious. 

MR.   LEMUEL  TALLMARSH. 

When  I  was  an  undergraduate  at 
Balliol  the  question  of  the  relation  of 
the  young  and  the  very  old  once 
cropped  up  at  a  dinner-party  given  by 
JOWETT  to  CARLYLE,  the  BROWNINGS, 
FROUDE  and  my  grandfather.  My 
grandfather,  whose  Greek  iambics 
excited  the  envy  of  GAISFOHD,  hazarded 
the  view  that  the  lack  of  respect  and 
affection  which  characterised  the  rising 
generation  would,  if  not  checked,  tend 
to  civil  war.  CARLYLE,  who  was  in, 
for  him,  a  most  playful  mood,  turned 
to  me  and  said,  "  Has  the  unending  ass 
tried  to  teach  you  to  suck  eggs  yet'?" 
I  was  torn  in  two  between  loyalty  to 
my  grandfather  and  a  natural  respect 
for  the  renowned  Sage  of  Chelsea,  and 
maintained  an  embarrassed  silence. 
The  tension  was,  however,  happily 
relieved  by  a  genial  sally  from  FHOUDE, 
who  observed  that  a  civil  war  was 
better  than  an  uncivil  peace,  —  a 
felicitous  paraphrase  of  THUCYDIDES' 
iWovXor  di/oKw^ij  which  immensely  tickled 
JOWETT.  I  remember,  and  I  may  be 
pardoned  for  quoting  from  my  Oxford 
Memories  (Fourth  Series,  vol.  iii., 
pp.  243-4),  my  notes  on  the  conversa- 
tion that  ensued: — 


MaiutQfrcsi  (to  autonur  about  to  Hght.a  cigar).  "No  .SMOKING  ix  HEUE,  SIR,  PLEASE!' 
Customer.   "  BIT  YOU'VE  C;OT  'SMOKING  ROOM'  ox  THE  noou  THERE." 
Manageress.  "THAT  is  THE  DOOR  OF  THE  XEXT  ROOM,  SIR." 
Customer.  "TnEX  WHAT'S  IT  DOING  ix  HERE?" 


"  BROWSING,  who  curiously  enough  was  the 
only  person  present  who  wore  a  Mack  tie,  noted 
the  strange  fact  that  while  we  always  spoke  of 
grandparents,  grandfather  and  grandmother,  it 
was  optional  whether  we  used  the  phrase  grand- 
uncle  or  great-uncle.  FROI'DE  thought  this 
illustrated  the  flexibility  of  our  vocabnliu-y  ;  but 
my  grandfather  demurred  and  also  expressed 
the  view  that  the  word  '  grandchildren '  was  a 
misnomer,  observing  that  the  French,  with  their 
greater  lucidity  and  logic,  employ  the  form 
'  petit-Jils.' " 

The  jealousy  of  grandparents,  it  will 
be  observed,  did  not  directly  engage 
the  conversationalists  on  this  occasion, 
and  neither  CAHLYLE  nor  JOWETT  were 
capable  of  discussing  the  point  from 
personal  experience.  But  I  remember 


distinctly  that  CARLYLE  smoked  a  clay 
pipe  after  dinner,  to  the  obvious  dis- 
satisfaction of  my  grandfather,  who 
held  that  the  introduction  of  tobacco 
by  RALEIGH  was  the  starting-point  of 
England's  decadence.  JOWETT,  so  far 
as  I  remember,  never  smoked,  but  in 
later  years  I  have  seen  him  toying  with 
an  unlighted  cigarette  in  order  to 
countenance  his  guests. 

THE  POET   LAUREATE. 
If  pessimists  who  dare  to  tell  us 
That  grandfathers  are  growing  jealous 
Expect  me  to  expound  my  view, 
I  answer  them  serenely,  "  Pooh  !  " 


260 


PUNCH,   OR  TIIK   LONDON_CHARIVARL_       JOCTOBEB  11,  1911. 


Xx*V 


SPORTING    HINTS. 


Village  Dame.    ';'Scu«E  ME,  Zun,  WON'T  YOU,  BUT  MY  OLD  HEX  'AVK  JUST  CONE  INTO  THAT  WOOD.     I  DO  HOPE  MEII  WON'T  BE 

CNFOKTUNATE  !  " 


TO    ANY    HAIRDRESSER. 

THINK  of  me  what  you  will :  as  one  demented, 

Or  far  too  poor  to  pay  the  price  you  rush, 
Or  weary  of  strange  liquids,  lotus-scented, 
And  guaranteed  to  make  the  top-knot  lush  : 
Think  of  me  as  a  man  in  grief  immersed, 
Likely  to  let  the  dam  thing  fall  and  burst, 
Or  having  such  a  dickens  of  a  thirst 
That  I  should  drink  it  (Yes,  the  medium  brush); 

But  by  the  sacred  Muses  and  Apollo 

I  would  not  take  a  sample  bottle  free 
Of  your  ambrosial  bsar's-grease ;  I  can  follow 
Your  arguments,  young  man  :  I  plainly  see 
The  little  pool  you  pour  into  your  palm, 
How  odorous  it  is,  how  clear,  how  calm  1 
If  there  is  anywhere  in  Gilead  balm 
This  is  the  Al  blend ;  but  none  for  me. 

Senators,  Kings,  and  Mr.  LEWIS  WALLER 

Most  likely  use  it ;  it  -has  steeped  with  myrrh 
The  radiant  locks  and  dripped  into  the  collar 
Of  editors  and  viscounts ;  do  I  err 
In  thinking,  if  I  rubbed  the  sacred  fat 
On  to  my  winter  overcoat,  like  that, 
Or  dropped  a  little  on  the  front-door  mat, 
Next  morning  I  should  find  them  fledged  with  fur  ? 


Hardly ;  and  now,  with  bated  breath  and  quieter, 

Tell  me  what  distillation  of  rare  flow'rs 
(Known  only  to  yourself  and  the  proprietor) 
Gathered  in  Orient  lands,  by  midnight  hours, 
Produced  the  bally  stuff ;  how  other  cures 
Are  simply  patent  advertisers'  lures, 
But,  secret  of  the  sons  of  Israel,  yours 
Evolved  in  SAMSON  his  peculiar  pow'rs. 

I  quite  believe  you ;  yet  with  deep  emotion 

I  tell  you  once  again,  for  all  your  vows, 
I  will  not  buy  that  pestilential  lotion  ; 

If  I  had  farms  and  vineyards  I  would  souse 
The  fields  with  it,  and  make  the  mangels  grow, 
And  all  the  vales  with  peace  and  plenty  flow, 
But  not  a  drop  of  it,  Narcissus,  no ! 
Shall  fall  upon  these  Muse-devoted  brows. 

I   shall   grow   bald  then,   shall   I  ?      Thank   you, 

barber ; 

That  is  the  goal  I  look  to ;  be  it  soon  ! 
The  day  of  cloudless  skies,  of  stormless  harbour, 
When  I  shall  come  no  more  to  hear  you  croon ; 
No  more  the  unguent  that  offends  my  sight, 
No  more  the  sacrificial  garb  of  white, 
But  all  things  tranquil  as  a  summer  night 
Lit  by  a  large,  low,  round  and  hairless  moon. 

EVOE. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.- OCTOBEB  11.  1911. 


THE    PSYCHOLOGICAL    MOMENT. 

DAME  EUROPA  (of  the  Hague  Academy  for  Young  Gentlemen).  "I  THOROUGHLY  DISAPPROVE  OF 
THIS,  AND  AS  SOON  AS  EVER  IT  'S  OVER  I  SHALL  INTERFERE  TO  PUT  A  STOP 
TO  IT." 


OCTOBEB  11,  1911.]  PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CIIARIVABL 


2fi3 


IF   ITALY   BECAME   TURKISH! 

(Which,  judging  l>y  events  so  far,  is  a  somewhat  large  hypothesis.) 


LAVENDER  'S  FOR  LADIES. 

LAVENDER  's  for  ladies,  an'  they  grows  it  in  the  garden  ; 
Lavender  's  for  ladies,  and  it 's  sweefc  an'  dry  an'  blue  ; 
But  the  swallows  leave  the  steeple  an'  the  skies  begin'  to 
harden, 

For  now  's  the  time  o'  lavender,  an'  now  's  the  time  o' 
rue ! 

"  Lavender,  lavender,  buy  my  sweet  lavender," 
All  down  the  street  an  old  woman  will  cry ; 
But  when  she  trundles 
The  sweet-smellin'  bundles, 
When  she  calls  lavender, — swallows  must  fly ! 

Lavender 's  for  ladies,  (Heaven  love  their  pretty  faces) ; 

Lavender 's  for  ladies,  they  can  sniff  it  at  their  ease, 
An'  they  puts  it  on  their  counterpins  an'  on  their  pillow- 
cases, 

An'  dreams  about  their  true-loves  an'  o'  ships  that  cross 
the  seas ! 

"  Lavender,  Lavender,  buy  my  sweet  lavender," 
Thus  the  old  woman  will  quaver  an'  call 


All  through  the  city — 
It 's  blue  an'  it 's  pretty, 
But  brown  's  on  the  beech-tree  an'  mist  over  all! 

Lavender  'a  for  ladies,  so  they  puts  it  in  their  presses  ; 
Lavender 's  for  ladies,  Joan  an'  Alary,  Jill  an'  Jane  ; 
So  they  lays  it  in  their  muslins  an'  their  lawny  Sunday 

dresses, 

An'  keeps  'em  fresh  as  April  till  their  loves  come 
again ! 

"  Lavender,  lavender,  buy  my  sweet  lavender," 
Still  the  old  woman  will  wheeze  an'  will  cry. 
Give  'er  a  copper 
An'  p'raps  it  will  stop  'er, 
For  when  she  calls  lavender  summer  must  die  ! 


'ome 


"He  was  then  actually  overhanging  his  prey,  but  succeeded  in 
shooting  a  fine  tahr  with  12-inch  horns,  falling  unfortiinatelv  300  feet. 
This  is  nearly  always  the  result  of  this  kind  of  shooting."— Field. 

"  This  is  getting  quite  monotonous,"  murmured  the  sports- 
man as  he  found  himself  whizzing  down  the  mountain 
side  for  the  third  time  that  morning. 


264 


PUNCH,   OH  TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOHEIS    11,    1911. 


AT  THE   PLAY. 

"  SaMURUN." 


veteran    Sheikh,    can    yet    enjoy   her  j  little   tired   of    the   filthy   bodice    and 
triumph  over  his  lawful  wife.  general  repulsiveness  of  the  old  lady 

Fraiilein  VON  DERP  repeats  her  j  who  practised,  among  other  unsavourj 
THOUGH  the  cuckoo  is  not  in  a  portrait  of  Sunuin'in  with  all  its  former  habits,  the  art  of  charming  snakes 
position  to  announce  it,  Sniit/ii/ui  "isj  grace  and  litheness  and  subtle  sim-  Snakes  would  seem  to  he  easily  pleased 
icunicii  in"  again.  In  reviving  this  j  plicity.  Fraiilein  KONSTANTIN,  as  the  My  best  congratulations  to  Professoi 
fascinating  musical  -  play  -  without  - j  slave-girl,  has  lost  nothing  of  her  >  MAX  KEINHARDT  on  the  deserved  en- 
words,  The  Savoy  has  also  restored  j  original  force,  and  still  contrives,  in  !  thusiasm  with  which  his  production  was 
its  original  fulness,  as  made  in  Ger- '  presenting  a  fairly  straightforward  received.  Though  the  stage  at  The  Savoy 
It  is  not  eisy  to  recapture '  character  (I  speak  without  moral  { is  a  little  too  confined  for  broad  effects, 


many. 


one's  early  difficulties  with   the   plot,   prejudice)   to  impart   to   it   an  air   of ;  the   new  environment,   with   its    moi 
but  I  doubt  if  the  new  scenes  contribute   mystery.     Herr  LOTZ,  as  Nur-al-Din,  congenial    atmosphere,    should    be 


much  to  its  lucidity,  though  they  are  \  is  still  the  perfect  type  of  devout  lover 

I  a  delightful  addition  to  the  gallery  of ;  (I   continue   to   speak   without   moral 

pictures.    I  hardlv  dare  to  suggest  that  j  prejudice),   absorbed  in  the  object  of 


source  of  fresh  attraction.  And  then  the 
play  has  all  the  evening  to  itself,  and 
the  elect  are  spared  the  suspicion  (so 


they  rather  spoil  the   balance  of  the  |  his  worship,  and  almost  too  modestly  \  painfully  felt   at   The   Coliseum)   that 
design,    but    it    certainly    seems   that  j  incredulous  of  his  good  fortune.  )some  of   the   house   might   be   taking 


a  disproportionate 
space  is  now  devoted  j 
to  horse'play  with 
the  body  of  the 
Hunchback,  and  to 
the  processes  of 
manoeuvring  him 
into  the  harem. 

The  moving  frieze 
of  the  parabasis  still 
remains  the  most 
|  attractive  feature  of 
!  the  play ;  but  there 
1  is   a   pleasant    new 
scene    in    front    of 
the  Sheikli's  palace, 
where     SumurAn's 
maid,  in  the  gay  and 
i  charming  person  of 
'•  Friiulein  MULLEB, 
attempts  the  peace- 
ful persuasion  of  the 
harem-pickets.     A 
large    bucket,    de- 
signed for   hoisting 
goods  to   an  upper 
storey  .looked  like  the 
very  thing  for  intro- 
ducing Nur-al-Din 
and  the  Hunchback 


"jX'o\V,  CENTI.EJTF.N-,  BEAU  IN'  MIND,  EVERT  OLD  MASTER  SOLD  IN  THIS  ESTABLISHMENT 
fAS  THE  GENUINE  SIGNATURE  IN  THE  CORNER,  AND  YOU  DON'T  NEED  TO  SCBAPE  TUB 
.'ARSISH  OFF  TO  FINIi  IT." 


into  the  palace.    But  it  was  strangely 
inoperative.    It  never  raised  its  human 


Sumurun  on  suffer- 
ance while  waiting 
the  turn  of  Mr. 
FBAGSON  or  a  family 
of  acrobats. 

O.  S. 


Herr  HEKZFELD,  the  new  Hunchback, 
and  a   fine   actor,    bore    the   physical 


!  contents  more  than  a  yard  or  two ;  and  strain   of  his   part  (assisted,   I   hope, 
1  could  trace  no  relation  between  its  I  at   certain  crises  by  a   dummy)  with 
movements,  such  as  they  were,  and  the  great   intrepidity  and  resourcefulness, 
handle  that  was  supposed  to  work  it.-     Herr  CONRAD,   if    perhaps  he  yielded 
You  might  imagine  that  the  elemental  a  little  in  the   matter  of   appearance 
crudity  of  this  story  from  The  Arabian  and  deportment  to  the  original  Sheikh 
Nights  demanded  no  very  great  finesse :!  of   Herr  BOTHAUSEB,  was   sufficiently 
of  gesture  or  facial  expression.     But .  imposing.      The    Shaikh's    Son    (now 
you  would  err.     And  indeed  the  play  played    by     Herr    :KOTHAUSER)     was 
shows  here  and  there  a  nice  sense !  formerly    described   as    his    "  friend  " 
of  human  nature,  as  when  Sumun'in,  j  This    promotion    to    sonship    adds    a 
.liough  on  the  point  of  deceiving  her :  certain     impious     piquancy     to     his 
detested  lord,  is  so  humbled  by  the  j  offences     (including     a     scheme      of 
preference  he  shows  to  the  slave-girl'      — "— * 

fUrt*-       t~~        iU-  I  '  ! 


that  for  the  moment,  in  her  wounded 
pride,  she  repels  the  lover  whom  she 


1 

her  own  '» 
likdv  ' 


murder)  against  that  venerable  flaneur. 
_ .  I  suppose  that,  just  as  a  little  humour 
(of  no  very  high  order)  was  judged 


,.f  *  »"«   i«i    "^    101  v    uucu    urueri    was    iua"eu 

*h   '  T  tle  ,°ther  Side'  the  necessary  to  relieve,  by  anticipation,  the 
fhe  haS  "i  lover  of  ultimate  tragedy,  soi  note  of  ugliness 


anyOW    W°Uld  n0t  b6   WaS  demanded 


a*   a   foil  to  so  much 


fi   ,  .  o  muc 

I  much  attraction  in  the!  beauty.     But  I  confess  that  I  grew  a 


THE   DIVING- 
LESSON. 

IT  was  last  August. 
I  woke  up  with  that 
vague  feeling  of 
mental  discomfort 
which  I  have  often 
experienced  during 
my  service  abroad 
when  there  is  some 
disturbing  or  un- 
usual event  on  the 
programme  of  the 
coming  day.  On  the 
night  before — my 
first  in  England  for 
many  years — I  had 
been  entertaining  my 
widowed  sister-in- 
law  and  her  daughter 
Nita,  with  whom  I 
am  spending  the 
first  month  of  my  furlough,  with  an 
account  of  some  of  my  adventures 
after  big  game  in  India.  The  success- 
ful tracking  and  destruction  of  a  rogue 
elephant  I  kept  till  the  last,  and 
finished  it  and  the  bottle  of  port — my 
poor  brother  collected  some  excellent 
port — at  the  same  moment.  Nita 
listened  intently,  and  then  said,  with 
the  charming  irrelevance  of  fifteen, 
"  Uncle  Spencer,  will  you  teach  me 
to  dive ?"  "I  don't  know  that  there 
is  much  to  teach,"  I  replied  lightly ; 
"  it 's  all  a  matter  of  confidence." 
"  Like  elephant  stories  ?  "  asked  Nita 
— everything  is  a  story  to  a  child. 
'.'  Then  we  '11  start  at  half-past  seven." 
Half-past  seven  seemed  a  long  way 
off  and  I  hesitated  to  make  what 
might  prove  a  useless  admission. 

A  man's  brain,  especially  if  he  has 
been  trained,  as  I  have,  in  a  career 


OCTOBER  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THK   LONDON   CJIAU1VAUI. 


which  requires  above  all  things  the 
habit  of  swift  and  sober  decision,  will 
often,  in  the  clear  morning  light,  re- 
fuse to  ratify  over-night  engagements 
entered  into  under  the  obscuring  in- 
fluence of  enthusiasm  or  wrung  from 
the  indulgence  of  a  kindly  nature.  It 
is  said  of  HENRY  LAWRENCE,  who  served 
for  many  years  in  the  same  Province 
as  myself,  that  when  he  had  stroked 
his  beard  and  looked  once  at  the  sky 
and  once  at  the  earth,  he  made  the 
right  decision.  I  wear  no  beard,  but 
as  Nita  brought  in  my  tea  I  looked 
once  at  a  very  cloudy  sky,  and  in  a 
flash  the  difficulty  was  solved.  Nita 
asked  how  long  1  should  be  dressing. 
I  said,  why  did  she  ask '?  Breakfast 
wasn't  till  nine.  She  said  it  would 
take  a  quarter  of  an  hour  to  walk 
down.  I  expressed  bewilderment,  and 
she  was  forced  to  open  the  attack. 
But  that  was  the  limit  of  my  success. 
I  said,  "  Not  to-day,  my  dear.  I  have 

no "   She  said,  "How  lovely !    I've 

brought  you  one  for  a  birthday  present." 
If  I  had  not  swallowed  some  tea  the 
wrong  way,  I  think  I  could  still  have 
retrieved  the  position,  but  when  I 
stopped  coughing  she  was  gone,  and 
called  out  from  the  passage,  "  Put  a 
coat  over  it  and  come  down."  I  real- 
ised, after  a  little,  that  she  referred  to 
the  costume,  not  to  the  tea  on  the 
pillow,  and  when  I  had  got  the  thing 
on — it  was  made  for  an  under-sized 
man  with  loud  tastes — I  was  glad  to 
take  her  advice.  On  the  way  down, 
however,  she  insisted  several  times  on 
partial  unveilings,  and  though  her  re- 
peated assertions  that  it  was  lovely 
received  unexpected  corroboration  from 
a  passing  milkman  its  shortcomings, 
when  I  removed  my  coat  on  the  beach, 
were  so  obvious  that  I  sought  the 
shelter  of  the  water  and  sat  down 
quickly  with  the  assistance  of  an  enor- 
mous wave.  The  sudden  movement 
was  disastrous  to  my  birthday  present, 
and  with  one  hand  engaged  as  a  safety- 
pin  I  struggled  into  deeper  water. 
Though  considerably  exhausted  I  con- 
trived to  swim  round  the  end  of  the 
breakwater,  and,  utilising  it  both  as 
a  support  and  as  a  screen,  shouted  to 
Nita  to  stay  the  other  side.  At  that 
moment  a  large  wave  washed  me 
higher  on  to  the  breakwater  and, 
passing,  left  me  suspended.  Instinct- 
ively I  clambered  up,  and  a  rending 
noise  warned  me  that  my  troubles ! 
were  not  all  behind  me.  From  a  sitting 
posture,  and  with  my  arms  crossed 
over  my  breast,  I  then  executed  a  dive, 
of  which  I  can  only  say  that  it  showed  '. 
resource,  courage  and  originality,  en- 
tailing two  complete  somersaults  and  a 
fine  hearty  splash. 

Nita's  appreciation  was  tempered  by 


Tuxi-dfircr  (to  gciUlciiuui   v-ho  Juts  rjleeii  a  shilling  for  a  teii/may  fare  anil  demanded  the 
!««<jre}.   " 'OrE  YEH  DIDN'T  .MIND  ME  UIVIN'  IT  YEK  AI.I.  IN  COPPEKN,  ODV'NOK?" 


doubts  whether  she  should  not  begin 
with  the  simpler  kinds,  but  I  firmly 
refused  to  indulge  her  lack  of  enterprise, 
and  gave  her  instead  a  short  course  of 
instruction  in  the  art  of  dressing  in  the 
water, the  utility  of  which  she  admitted 
when  I  pointed  out  the  frequency  of 
shipwrecks  in  the  middle  of  the  night. 
To  add  piquancy  to  the  display  it  was 
arranged  that  the  beach  was  the  sink- 
ing ship;  Nita  enacted  the  part  of  an 
heroic  stewardess,  and  I  was  a  lady- 
passenger  precluded  for  obvious  reasons 
from  revisiting  the  wreck.  My  lifelike 
rendering  of  the  unhappy  lady's  distress 


when  the  stewardess,  tempted  by  the 
beauty  of  rny  teagown,  threatened  to 
leave  me  to  my  fate,  partly  made  up  for 
the  disappointing  nature  of  the  iinal 
performance,  and  I  had  to  admit  that, 
though  the  principle  is  the  same,  the 
feat  is  more  difficult  in  deeper  water. 

Nita  asked  whether  I  could  dive  with 
a  coat  on. 

She  expects  too  much. 

The  Weekly  Budget  advertises  "  The 
Mystery  of  O.B."  But  surely  Mr. 
OSCAR  BROWNING  has  always  been 
obvious  to  the  public  eye? 


2(56 


PUNCH,   OH   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [OCTOBEH  11,  nni. 


CRAGWELL   END. 

PART  II. 

THE  village  itself  runs,  more  or  less, 
On  the  sinuous  line  of  a  letter  S, 
Twining  its  little  houses  through 
The  twists  of  the  street,  as  our  hamlets  do, 
For  no  good  reason,  so  far  as  I  know, 
Save  that  chance  lias  arranged  it  so. 
It's  a  quaint  old  ramshackle  moss-grown  place, 
Keeping  its  staid  accustomed  pace  ; 
Not  moved  at  all  by  the  rush  and  flurry, 
The  mad  tempestuous  windy  hurry 
Of  the  big  world  tossing  in  rage  and  riot, 
While  the  village  holds  to  its  old-world  quiet. 
There  's  a  family  grocer,  a  family  baker, 
A  family  butcher  and  sausage-maker— 
A  butcher,  proud  of  his  craft  and  willing 
To  admit  that  his  business  in  life  is  killing, 
Who  parades  a  heart  as  soft  as  his  meat 's 

tough — 

There  's  a  little  shop  for  the  sale  of  sweet  stuff  ; 
There  's  a  maker  and  mender  of  boots  and  shoes 
Of  the  sort  that  the  country  people  use, 
Studded  with  iron  and  clamped  with  steel, 
And  stout  as  a  ship  from  toe  to  heel, 
Who  announces  himself  above  his  entry 
As  "patronised  by  the  leading  gentry." 

There 's  an  inn,  "  The  George  "  ; 

There  's  a  blacksmith's  forge, 
And  in  the  neat  little  inn's  trim  garden 
The  old  men,  each  with  his  own  churchwarden, 
Bent  and  grey,  but  gossipy  fellows, 
Sip  their  innocent  pints  of  beer, 
While  the  anvil-notes  ring  high  and  clear 
To  the  rushing  bass  of  the  mighty  bellows. 
And  thence  they  look  on  a  cheerful  scene 
As  the  little  ones  play  on  the  Village  Green, 

Skipping  about 

With  laugh  and  shout 
As  if  no  Darville  could  ever  squire  them, 
And  nothing  on  earth  could  tame  or  tire  them. 

On  the  central  point  of  the  pleasant  Green 
The  famous  stone-walled  well  is  seen 
Which  has  never  stinted  its  ice-cold  waters 
To  generations  of  Cragwell's  daughters. 
No  matter  how  long  the  rain  might  fail 
There  was  always  enough  for  can  and  pail — • 
Enough  for  them  and  enough  to  lend 
To  the  dried-out  rivals  of  Cragwell  End. 
An  army  might  have  been  sent  to  raise 
Enough  for  a  thousand  washing  days 
Crowded  and  crammed  together  in  one  day, 
One  vast  soap-sudded  and  wash-tubbed  Monday, 
And,  however  fast  they- might  wind  the  winch, 
The  water  wouldn't  have  sunk  an  inch. 
Tor  the  legend  runs  that  Crag  the  Saint, 

At  the  high  noon-tide  of  a  summer's  clay, 
Thirsty,  spent  with  his  toil  and  faint, 

To  the  site  of  the  well  once  made  his  way, 
And  there  he  saw  a  delightful  rill 
And  sat  beside  it  and  drank  his  fill, 
Drank  of  the  rill  and  found  it  good, 
Sitting  at  ease  on  a  block  of  wood, 
And  blessed  the  place,  and  thenceforth  never 
The  waters  have  ceased  but  they  run  for  ever. 
They  burnt  St.  Crag,  so  the  stories  say, 
And  his  ashes  cast  on  the  winds  away, 


But  the  well  survives,  and  the  block  of  wood 
Stands — nay,  stood  where  it  always  stood, 
And  still  was  the  village's  pride  and  glory 
On  the  day  of  which  I  shall  tell  my  story. 
Gnarled  and  knotty  and  weather-stained, 
Battered  and  cracked,  it  still  remained  ; 

And  thither  came, 

Footsore  and  lame, 
On  an  autumn  evening  a  year  ago 
The  wandering  pedlar,  Gipsy  Joe. 
Beside  the  block  ho  stood  and  set 
His  table  out  on  the  well-stones  wet. 
"  Who  '11  buy  ?  Who  '11  buy  ?  "  was  the  call  he  cried 
As  the  folk  came  flocking  from  every  side  ; 
For  they  knew  their  Gipsy  Joa  of  old, 
His  free  wild  words  and  his  laughter  bold : 
So  high  and  low  all  gathered  together 
By  the  village  well  in  the  autumn  weather, 
Lured  by  tho  gipsy's  bargain-chatter 
And  the  reckless  lilt  of  his  hare-brained  patter. 
And  there  the  Eevd.  Salvyn  Bent, 
The  parish  church's  ornament, 
Stood,  as  it  chanced,  in  discontent, 
And  eyed  with  a  look  that  was  almost  sinister 
The  Eevd.  Joshua  Fall,  the  minister. 
And  the  Squire,  it  happened,  was  riding  by, 
With  an  angry  look  in  his  bloodshot  eye, 
Growling,  as  was  his  wont,  and  grunting 
At  the  wasted  toil  of  a  bad  day's  hunting ; 
And  he  stopped  his  horse  on  its  homeward  way 
To  hear  what  the  gipsy  had  to  say. 


FICTION    AND    FASHION. 

WE  observe  with  interest  that  in  a  note  to  a  short 
story  in  the  current  issue  of  a  popular  sixpenny  magazine 
the  editor  writes:  "Lady  readers  of  the  following  may  be 
glad  to  learn  that  the  illustrations  have  been  executed  by 
a  dress  expert,  and  represent  the  latest  models  for  the  forth- 
coming autumn."  This  seems  to  us  to  open  up  now 
prospects  for  our  neglected  novelists.  May  we  not  look 
to  find  something  like  the  following  in  the  literary  Press 
before  long  ? 

DRESS  AT  THE  LIBRARIES. 

Ultra-smartness,  combined  with  a  suspicion  of  diablerie, 
will  be  found  to  be  the  note  of  the  gowns  worn  by  the 
heroine  of  Mrs.  GLYN'S  new  novel,  A  Ducal  Divorce. 
The  publishers  are  proud  to  call  attention  to  the  fact  that 
Chapters  VI.  and  VII.,  dealing  respectively  with  the 
Foreign  Office  reception  and  the  ball  at  Chiffon  Castle, 
have  been  supervised  by  the  talented  author  in  conjunction 
with  a  well-known  Paris  modiste,  thus  ensuring  that  every 
costume  depicted  shall  be  a  masterpiece  of  creative  art.  The 
reputations  alike  of  author  and  costumicre  are  a  sufficient 
guarantee  that  a  romance  of  special  interest  should  result. 

Mr.  J.  M.  BARBIE  writes  :  "  When  I  described  the  heroine 
of  one  of  my  novels  as  wearing  a  dress  '  of  some  soft 
clinging  material'  I  meant  the  new  washable  foulardette 
at  three  eleven  three-farthings,  and  no  other."  Invaluable 
for  all  emotional  work. 

To  gentlemen-authors  commencing  :  If  you  feel  inclined 
to  dress  your  characters  in  "  crash  and  bombazine, 
trimmed  with  revers  of  eau-de-nil  passementerie,"  avoid 
solecisms  so  fatal  to  real  popularity  by  consulting  the 
Literary  Dress  Agency.  Every  MS.  has  personal  attention. 
Send  your  female  characters  to  us,  and  we  undertake  to 
turn  them  out  worthy  of  the  best  publisher  in  London. 

Fictional  Fashions :  Eead  the  book  reviews  in  The  Tailoi' 
and  Cutter. 


OCTOBER  11,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIH   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Tenor  (hearing  eouijJuinls  of  tlir  singing  i/i  the  elwir  on  fiitiitlui/).   "WELL,  I  ix>  ALL  I  CAN,  MA'AM,  BUT  IT'S  THEM  DOTS, 

YOU   KNOW  ;     I   ALWAYS   'AS  TO    "UKKY   WITH   MY   TENOI!   AND  GO   BACK   AND   'ELI'   'EM    WITH   THEIll  TREBLE." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

Jim  Davis  (WELLS  AND  DAHTON)  is  a  book  that  would 
have  delighted  STEVENSON.  You  remember  how,  in  one  of 
the  letters,  he  describes  the  way  a  story  ought  to  begin — 
about  the  strange  craft  that  must  ha'  dropped  into  the  bay 
a  little  afore  dawn,  or  words  to  that  effect  ?  Well,  this  is 
very  much  the  kind  of  thing  you  get  in  Mr.  JOHN  MASE- 
FIKLD'S  latest,  a  tale  of  Devon  and  the  sea,  of  night-riders 
and  preventive  men.  A  capital  tale  too,  and  well  told. 
Young  Jim  Davis  himself  (apart  from  his  one  great  adven- 
ture) does  nothing  especially  heroic,  being  for  most  of  the 
time  in  a  condition  of  very  natural  and  human  funk.  But 
there  is  an  excellent  person,  a  smuggler  called  Marah,  who 
makes  full  amends  for  this.  And  from  the  moment  when 
the  lad  Jim  stumbles  upon  the  secret  of  the  cave,  and  is 
forced  by  the  fearful  smugglers  to  become  one  of  their 
band,  adventures  and  fights  and  escapes  follow  each  other 
in  quite  the  right  breathless  fashion.  With  it  all  there  is 
a  distinction  and  an  atmosphere,  such  as  you  would  now 
naturally  look  for  in  Mr.  MASEFIELD'S  work,  which  raise 
the  whole  far  above  the  countless  tales  in  which  the  same 
incidents  have  been  employed.  There  was  one  passage  in 
particular,  of  a  boat  being  pushed  at  night  out  of  a  cave, 
which  I  had  to  read  five  or  six  times  for  sheer  joy  of  its 
beauty,  before  I  could  get  on  with  the  page.  Once  or  twice, 
however,  I  was  puzzled.  For  example,  it  was  a  little  shock 
to  me,  archieologically,  to  find  persons  at  the  beginning  of 
the  last  century  described  as  sitting  down  to  lunch  in  the 


middle  of  the  day.     Of  course  this  may  be  all  right;  but 
it  sounded  strangely  modern. 

There  is  a  great  deal  to  be  said  for  Mr.  PETT  BIDOE,  and 
I  intend  to  say  some  of  it  now  in  respect  of  his  Thanks  to 
Sanderson  (METHUEN).  It  is  not  to  be  accepted  as  an 
axiom  that  if  a  railway  ssrvant,  having  risen  by  his  own 
effort  and  merit  to  an  inspectorship,  edticates  his  children 
to  a  higher  standard  of  culture  than  his  own,  the  children 
will  inevitably  become  ashamed  of  him  and  cut  themselves 
off  from  the  family  or  the  family  from  them.  But  it  is 
more  than  probable  that  when  such  a  lamentable  develop- 
ment occurs  it  must  be  on  the  lines  sketched  in  the  hard 
case  of  the  Sandersons,  the  bad  tendency  getting  the  better 
of  the  children  only  by  slow  degrees  and  the  ingrati's 
themselves  showing  in  the  process  that  they  are  not  alto- 
gether without  redeeming  points.  For  Mr.  PETT  RIDGE  is 
a  most  competent  optimist — optimist,  because  he  can  find 
a  good  side  to  everybody ;  competent,  because  he  sees  a 
bright  side  which  exists  and  does  not  invent  one  which,  if 
he  had  the  ordering  of  the  universe,  might  be  incorporated 
in  human  nature.  And,  if  he  does  not  deal  in  the  subtleties 
of  souls  and  the  clash  of  intellects,  he  gives  you  a  truer  and 
more  delightful  account  of  the  elemental  humours  of  the 
lower  middle  class  than  any  man  I  know.  The  opportune 
appearance  of  the  book  is  an  additional  point  in  its  favour. 
The  careful  study  of  the  personality  of  a  railway  employee 
is  at  the  moment  valuable,  and  happy,  moreover,  since  it 
confirms  the  favourable  opinion  derived  from  one's  own 
experience.  Certainly  it  suggests  a  doubt  whether  his 


268 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


[OCTOBER  11,  1911. 


,,  -,  ~iv  ;„  nlwavs    or  '  East  and  prove — if  such  proof  is  needed  after  The  Veil — 

motive  in  striking  so  often  and  capaciously  is  always,  I          s  *  ,  ,     . 


indeed  ever,  his  own. 


SMu-En/ht  Years  on  the  Stage  (MILLS  AND  BOON)  is  a 

i  -.11    ]>„,  13,,(-    Jf     10     froo    frntll 


that  Miss  E.  S.  STEVENS  may  rest  assured  of  an  audience 
whenever  she  cares  to  beat  her  drum.  Perhaps  some  of 
the  stories  may  be  a  little  highly  flavoured  for  those  who 

[  excessively  small  beer.     But  it  is  free ' from  j  expect  all  love-affairs  to  be  conducted  on  strictly  British 
and   thosa   who   find    the    beverage  j  lines  ;  I  am  not,  however,  saying  this  in  order  to  depreciate 


aciditv   or   sourness,    and    those    WQO    nna  i''c    V,  "--."-"-•—•  ™j -»  • 

ref  eshin°  may  hero  drink  to  their  hearts'  content.  Mrs.  Miss  STEVKNS  s  book,  but  by  way  of  warning  to  people  of 
C,'u  KS'C-VLVEUT'S  most  prominent  failing  is  that  she  is  |  insular  prejudices  As  a  matter  of  fact,  a  though  the 
we'irisomely  amiable.  She  thinks  it  worth  while  to  record  author  s  work  is  of  the  Last --very  Easterly,  yet  apart  frcm 
her  friends' remarls  verbatim,  though  their  interest  for  the  one  or  tvro  stray  remarks,  which  may  titillate  the 

11  __  -3     j.1.  _          «««    ,-vf    4- Tin  '  YMn«ii*iJvrkf.lT7      rmnriPM        Onfi       na.Q      inn    n  ,n.m<v        ti      riv-i  m^vwrn-f  hi- 


t?IKlO       ICLUUl  I- »      l^1  IJO.U11H,     uii-jv._».i  -  ,1  -Til  1  '('I 

ordinary  reader  does  not  extend  beyond  the  range  of  the !  prunently  minded,  she  has  ma:n  ained  a  praiseworthy 
mrserv  She  proudly  prints  facsimiles  of  commonplace,  reticence  m  dealing  with  subjects  (the  themo,  for  instance, 
^  -  of  "The  White  Mouse")  that 

lend  themselves  to  a  broader 
and 
The 


letters  from  ARTHUR  SULLI- 
VAN, CHARLES  READE  and 
LONGFELLOW.  Occasionally 
she  brightens  her  story  with 
reminiscences  of  her  ovfajevx 
d'csprits.  Over  the  space  of 
more  than  half  a  century  she 
recalls  how,  hearing  that  a 
friend  was  "  accepting  little 
attentions"  from  a  Mr. 
BRANDON,  she  said,  "  Well, 
Mary,  I  wouldn't  be  seen 
with"  a  brand  on."  Quick 
as  lightning  flashed  the  re- 
tort. "  Well,  your  taste  I 
call  vert."  Cal-vert ;  you  take 
it  ?  Ah,  how  the  jests  used  ; 
to  flow  in  those  days  !  And  , 
yet,  brought  up  in  girlhood  in 
the  school  of  strolling  players 
of  which  Mr.  Crummies  was 
a  shining  star,  Mrs.  CALVERT 
might  have  given  us  some 
good  stories  and  some  in-  j 
teresting  descriptions.  They 
do  not  seem  to  have  occurred 
to  her. 


The  supply  of  novels  of 
the     Historical  -  Eomantic  - 
Swashbuckler  School  is  to- 
day, I  should  judge,  not  very  : 
far  short  of  the  demand,  and 
when  a  thing  can  be  had  for  . 
the  asking  one  is  inclined  to 

insist  on  a  generous  money's-  THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS, 

worth.     Speaking  for  myself  XI._A  ClTY  TOAST-MASTER  TESTING  THE  ECHOES  IN  SWITZERLAND. 

least,  1  know  that  when  1  — 

see  a  book  whose  title  suggests  the  Middle  Ages  I  grow 
instantly  censorious,  and  adopt  what  is  probably  an  alto- 
gether unfairly  critical  attitude.  In  this  spirit  I  began 
to  read  For  Henri  and  Navarre  (HUTCHINSON),  by  Miss 
DOROTHEA  CONYEHS,  and  for  just  a  few  pages  at  the  opening 
I  expected  to  be  able  to  take  full  marks  for  intuition.  But, 
thank  heaven,  the  greatest  of  us  make  mistakes  at  times. 
It  is  one  of  the  finest  stories  of  the  kind  I  have  met  for 
years,  and  I  don't  blame  Miss  CONYERS  a  bit  for  telling  the 
publisher  it  is  the  best  thing  she  has  ever  written.  There 
is  nothing  in  trying  to  describe  what  it  is  about.  The 
ingredients  of  this  sort  of  tale — love,  intrigue  and  desperate 
straits— are  all  much  the  same.  Everything  depends  en 
'low  you  mix 'them,  and  how  much  life  you  can  gat  inside 
;he  fancy  dresses.  I  really  think  Miss  CONYERS  has  done 
joth  about  as  well  as  they  can  be  done. 


less    artistic    treatment. 

story,  however,  which 
gains  my  unqualified  admir- 
ation, is  called  "  The  Silly 
Young  Cuckoo,"  an  adorahle 
piece  of  imaginative  work. 
For  a  volume  of  short  stories, 
a  rare  feature  in  this  book  is 
the  fact  that  its  contents  are 
now  on  view  for  the  first  time; 
or  so  I  judge  from  the  absence 
of  all  reference  to  the  courtesy 
of  Editors  and  Proprietors 
of  Magazines,  a  class  that 
always  saems  to  insist  that 
its  virtues,  whenever  utilised, 
should  receive  public 
nition. 


recog- 


The    eight    tales    contained    in    The    Earthen    Drum 
MILLS  AND  BOON)  deal  principally  with  love  in  the  eternal 


An  epidemic  of  odd  titles  is 
abroad  and  Mrs.  MANN'S  There 
was  a  Widow  (METHUEN)  is 
tli 3  latest.  There  is,  however, 
nothingstartling  or  indecorous 
about  the  widow, who  is  a  nice, 
demure,  penniless,  feckless 
and  not  very  perceptive  per- 
son of  the  kind  that  attracts 
(in  novels)  strong,  silent, 
content  -  to  -  wait  men.  Of 
such  is  the  Dr.  Burden  who 
succeeds  to  her  husband's 
practice  and  acquiesces  in  a 
situation  which  does  more 
credit  to  his  heart  than  his 
head.  After  due  separation 

all  ends  well.  The  minor  characters,  for  the  most  part 
mildly  unpleasant,  are  well  and  definitely  drawn  ;  but  Diana 
Todd,  the  husband-huntress,  and  Lionel,  the  bad  young  man 
who  marries  the  housemaid,  are  perhaps  not  quite  con- 
vincingly realised.  And,  to  be  frank,  there  were  few  traces 
of  the  "  humorous  pen  "  which  the  publishers  promised  me 
in  a  kindly  summary  upon  the  cover. 


An  Unfair  Division. 

"Mr.  J.  Buchanan  en  Saturday,  on  the  football  ground,  boat  Mr.  J. 
R.  Matkridge  in  a  run  of  100  yards.  Buchanan  hud  live  yards  s'ait 
and  Mackridge  had  muscular  trouble." 

Mr.  BUCHANAN  presumably  won  the  toss  and  chose  the  five 
yards  start. 

"  Tiie  first  real  touch  of  \\inter  was  experienced  during  the  night  ol 
Thursday  week,  when  the  thermometer  fell  to  27  Fahrt. — or  in  other 
words,  three  degrees  of  frost  were  recorded.  In  another  part  of  the 
village  we  hear  of  five  degrees  -being  registered." — Grantham  Journal. 
Perhaps  they  were  merely  better  at  subtraction  in  "another 
part  of  the  village." 


OCTOBER  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


2G'J 


HOW    I    SPEND    MY    FOUR 
HUNDRED    POUNDS. 

SIR, — It   is   with  reluctance  that 
accept  any  emoluments  from  a  rebel 


y  public  salary  will  be  en- 
ted   to    those    black    races 
crushed  under  the  foot  of 

rmrf>3<;nr      T  n.tn  cAnrlintf  X?.r*n 

with  the  greatest  possible  regret  as  a 
felon),  in  subscribing  to  the  Party  press. 
It  is  my  purpose  to  purchase  regularly 

tirely 
which 

the  white  oppressor. 

to  the  Anti-Lynching  Society  (U.S.A.); 


Government  which   defies   the   lawful  j  to  the  JOHNSON  testimonial  fund  as  a 
authority   of   the   Belfast   Parliament. '  protest  against  the  wrongs  ho  received 


I  may  say  that  I  purpose  spending  my 
year's  salary  in  the  purchase  of  a 
second-hand  militai'y  airship  (with  gas- 
bag complete).  It  is  NOT  my  intention 
to  use  this  on  circuit. 

Yours  valiantly,   EDWARD  CARSON. 

SIR, — It  is  with  the  greatest  pleasure 
that  I  behold  any  strengthening  of 
those  pecuniary  bonds  which,  light  as 
air  yet  strong  as  steel,  bind  England  and 
Ireland  together  far  more  firmly  than 
any  corrupt  Act  of 
Union.  I  hope  to 
spend  my  salary 
entirely  on  public 
purposes.  I  have 
already  bought  a 
red  -  white  -  and  -  blue 
waistcoat  (to  be  worn 
on  oratorical  tours 
in  the  English  pro- 
vinces), and  a  large 
Union  Jack  (to  be 
hoisted  over  my  Lon- 
don house  when  in 
residence),  and  I  in- 
tend offering  a  prize 
of  £100  for  the  best 
rendering  of  Rule 
Britannia  in  Erse. 
Yours  for  the  flag, 
JOHN  REDMOND. 


in  our  white  courts ;  to  the  Indian 
National  Congress  Fund ;  to  the 
CETEWAYO  monument ;  to  the  Chimney- 
Sweepers'  Benevolent  Society ;  and  to 
the  Homes  for  Aged  Negro  Minstrels. 
It  is  also  my  intention  to  send  some- 
thing to  support  the  poor  heathens 
who  play  at  Blackheath. 

Yours  truly,         W.  BYLES. 
P.S. — The  only  honour  I  could  accept 
from    the    Government    is    that    of    a 
nighthood.    If  I  can  but  get  the  Black 


SIR, — Three  hun- 
dred and  ninety-five 
pounds  of  the  un- 
sought salary  forced 
upon  me  by  the  worst 
Government  which  ever  misruled  Eng- 
land I  intend  to  give  to  the  Welsh 
Establishment  Defence  Fund;  the  re- 
mainder I  shall  spend  on  articles  likely 
to  be  of  use  in  the  campaign — notably 
a  biretta  for  platform  wear  and  a 
foghorn  for  service  in  the  House  of 
Commons. 

Yours  for  the  faith,    HUGH  CECIL. 

SIR, — It  is  my  intention  to  spread 
political  light  amongst  niy  constituents 
by  distributing  one  hundred  copies  of 
that  favourite  organ  of  the  democracy, 
The  National  Review,  every  month.  The 
balance  of  two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds 
I  shall  spend  on  a  political  breast-pin. 
It  will  bear  upon  it  in  sapphires  the 
mystic  initials,  "  B.M.G."  Whatever 
the  Party  Whips  say  or  do,  it  is  my 
intention  to  wear  this  in  the  House. 

Yours  faithfully,  ROWLAND  HUNT. 

P.S.— B.  M.  really  G. 


A  SUGGESTION  TO   MOTOR  SCORCHERS. 
CARRY  A  DUMMY  INSPECTOR  AND  SAVE  YOUR  FINES. 


Eagle  of  Prussia  in  recognition  of  my 
protests  against  militarism  I  shall  die 
happy. 

P.P.S. — I  am  desirous  of  contributing 
to  some  fund  for  the  victims  of  this 
war.  Could  you  inform  me  whether 
the  Turks  or  the  Italians  have  the 
darker  complexions  ? 

SIR, — It  has  been  pointed  out  to  me 
that  it  is  in  some  respects  desirable 
that  the  leader  of  a  party  should  keep 
in  touch  with  the  journals  of  the  day. 
Though  a  certain  detachment  from 
current  thought  has  its  advantages,  still 
I  am  ready  to  fall  in  with  the  wishes 
of  my  loyal  followers.  In  future,  in 
addition  to  following  current  politics 
closely  in  the  Hibbert  Journal,  as  has 
been  my  custom,  I  intend  to  devote  a 
portion  of  the  funds  supplied  to  me 
by  my  Right  Honourable  friend,  Mr. 
ASQUITH  (whom  I  must  characterise 


that  excellent  monthly,  The  Observer, 
edited  by  my  distinguished  follower, 
Mr.  LEO  GAUVIN. 

Yours  very  truly, 

ARTHUR  J.  BALFOUB. 

SIR, — I  am  spending  my  salary  on 
myself.          Yours  truly, 

G.  L.  COUBTHOPE. 

(Mr.  Punch  wishes  to  congratulate  Mr. 
COURTHOPE  on  his  excellent  choice.) 

SIB, — My  salary  will  be  spent  on 
preparations  for  the  campaign.  I  have 
already  secured  a  set  of  ditching  tools, 
an  Orange  flag,  a  white  do.,  a  breast- 
plate, a  Maxim,  and  twelve  drums.  If 
any  balance  should 
be  left  I  desire  that 
it  be  added  to  the 
CRAIG  Monument 
Fund  at  the  end  of 
the  campaign. 
Yours  ferociously, 
C.  C.  CBAIQ. 

SIR, —  Unfortu- 
nately my  entire 
salary  has  been  an- 
nexed by  my  wife. 
It  is  my  intention 
to  move  at  an  early 
date  in  the  House, 
"  That  the  power 
of  woman  has  in- 
creased, is  increas- 
ing, and  ought  to  be 
diminished." 

Yours  indignantly, 
AN  M.P.  WHO 

PREFERS  TO  REMAIN 
ANONYMOUS. 

SIR  — It  is  my  in- 
tention to  spend  my 
salary  on  my  King's  Lynn  constituents. 
I  am  at  present  doubtful  whether  it 
would  be  best  to  distribute  8,000  rabbits, 
2,400  ducks,  1,600  pheasants,  or  480 
barrels  of  beer  amongst  them, 
the  Radicals  say  what  they  will, 


Let 
my 


constituents,  at  any  rate,  will  find  that 
their  food  will  cost  them  less. 

Yours  bountifully,     H.  INGLEBY. 


From  an  Indian  theatrical  announce- 
ment : — 

"Our  keen  crystaliscd  actors  will  put  their 
usual  enactments." 
Goodl 


"  '  Blyford  Church,  Suffolk,'  is  in  the  artist's 
own  inimical  style,  and  yet  it  portrays  the  true 
Suffolk  atmosphere."— East  Anglian  Tiaia. 
We  are  glad  that  the  artist  does  not 


carry  his  hostility  to  Suffolk  to  extreme 
lengths. 


VOL.    CXLI. 


270 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   C1IAR1VARL_ 


[OCTOBER  18,  1911. 


THE    ARMISTICE. 

[The  Editor's  lloom  of  any  morniwi  paper,  any  evening, 

about  !>  o'clock.] 

Editor.  I  '11  want  something  about  Tripoli  to-night,  of 
course. 

Leader  Writer  (reproachfully).  I  wrote  last  night,  and 
there  was  nothing  to  say  then.  It 's  a  rotten  topic.  Has 
anything  happened? 

Ed.  Yes.    An  armistice  is  imminent. 
L.  W.  Yes,  bxit  it's  been  imminent  ever  since  war  was 
declared. 

Ed.  I  know.     But  it 's   still  more  imminent  now,  and 
people  will  expect  something  about  it. 
L.  W.  Is  this  last  Tuesday's  armistice,  or  a  new  one  ? 
Ed.  I  don't  know. 

L.  W.  (persuasively).  You  see,  this  may  only  be  a 
contradiction  of  the  rumour  that  last  Tuesday's  news  of  an 
imminent  armistice  was  premature. 

Ed.  We  needn't  worry  over  refinements  like  that.  The 
German  Ambassador  at  Constantinople  has  expressed  his 
belief  that  war  will  be  over  by  the  end  of  this  week. 
Besides,  Mutfm  PASHA  is  reported  to  have  20,000  men  on 
the  outskirts  of  Tripoli, ready  to  hold  back  the  Italian  army. 
L.  W.  That  doesn't  sound  like  an  armistice.  Who  is 
MUNIB  PASHA  ? 

Ed.  I  never  heard  of  him  till  to-night.  You'd  better 
look  him  up  in  Who  's  Who.  But  that 's  not  all.  Germany 
is  bargaining  with  Italy  for  a  naval  base  in  Tripoli.  We 
must  stop  that,  of  course. 

L.  W.  Of  course.  (More  cheerfully)  1  did  the  fourth 
hole  in  two  to-day. 

Ed.  That  sounds  pretty  useful.  And  there  's  unrest  in 
Bulgaria,  too.  You  might  mention  that.  You  see  there 
are  plenty  of  points. 

L.  W.  I  suppose  our  line  is  to  welcome  the  imminence 
of  peace,  while  expressing  doubt  whether  Italy's  military 
task  in  Tripoli  is  really  begun,  and  to  insist  firmly  that 
Germany  must  not  get  a  foothold  in — what  did  you  say 
was  the  name  of  the  place  ? 
Ed.  Bomba,  I  think. 
L.  W.  Where  is  Bomba  ? 

Ed.  I  'm  not  at  all  sure.  You  'd  better  ask  the  foreign 
editor. 

[In  the  Sub-Editors'  room.] 
L.  W.  (to  Foreign  Editor).    I  understand,  Mr.  Park,  that 
you  have  arranged  an  armistice  for  to-night. 
F.  E.  Yes. 

L.  W.  I  suppose  it 's  given  you  a  good  deal  of  trouble. 
Do  you  mind  telling  me  where  Bomba  is?  I  suppose  it 
exists — outside  of  musical  comedy  ? 

F.  E.  Bomba  is  near  Derna,  to  the  eastward.  If  Germany 
squatted  there  she  would  command  our  approach  to  Suez. 
Would  you  like  to  see  Bomba  on  the  map  ? 

L.  W.  No,  thanks.  All  I  've  got  to  do  is  to  prevent 
Germany  from  going  there. 

F.  E.  (helpfully).  There's  some  interesting  stuff  to-night 
about  Torbruk,  P.  A.  Special.  It 's  a  magnificent  natural 
harbour. 

L.  W.  Thanks.     Anything  else  ? 

F.  E.  Nothing  much.  Some  looting  by  Moslems  at 
Hodeidah. 

L.  W.  Italian  example,  no  doubt.  You  might  let  me 
know  if  anything  fresh  comes  in. 

[Leader  Writer's  Room,  about  an  hour  later. 

He  is  finishing  up  his  article.] 

"  Italy  has  asserted  during  recent  days  that  the  time  for 
peace  negotiations  is  not  yet,  and  it  was  not  without 
reason  that  she  insisted  that  she  must  have  Tripoli  firmly 


in  her  power  before  arranging  the  terms  upon  which  th 
Italian  flag  shall  permanently  replace  the  Crescent.  (Good 
old  Crescent.)  But  this  new  readiness  to  treat  may  be 
explained  partly  by  the  warlike  demonstrations  of  MUNIK 
PASHA  and  partly  by  the  fear  that  the  exacerbation  (That 's 
a  better  word  than  irritation)  of  German  and  Austrian  public 
opinion  might  lead  to  serious  embarrassment  or  even  open 
rupture  with  her  allies.  Our  concern  in  the  matter  is  that 
the  mailed  fist  of  Germany  must  not  be  permitted  to  obtain 
any  locus  standi  in  Bomba." 

F.  E.    (entering  hastily).     There 's  something  fresh  in 
A  snapshot  says  great  naval  battle  off  Mitylene. 
L.  W.  It's  too  late.     My  stuff  is  just  finished. 
F.  E.    Heavy  firing  in  the  Aegean. 

L.  W.  (testily).  Look  here,  Mr.  Park,  this  won't  do,  you 
know.  Mine  is  a  peace  leader,  and  you  were  all  for  peace 
at  nine  o'clock.  And  we  've  always  taken  the  line  thai 
Turkey's  fleet  is  bottled  up,  even  if  she  had  one.  We  can'J 
have  the  whole  scheme  of  the  war  altered  suddenly  with- 
out notice.  Have  you  told  the  editor  ?.  , 

F.  E.  Yes.  He  would  like  you  to  bring  it  in  at  the  enc 
of  your  article. 

[F.   E.  vanishes.     L.    W. 

minutes  elapse.  Telephone  bell  rings. ' 
L.  W.  (speaking  to  Editor  on  telephone).  Yes,  Mr.  Park 
told  me.  Yes,  I  have  lugged  it  in  in  my  last  par.  Oh,  it's 
contradicted,  is  it  ?  I  thought  myself  it  was  probably 
an  echo  of  the  bombardment  of  Tripoli.  .Oh,  no,  I  don't 
mind  a  bit.  It  would  do  quite  nicely  for  to-morrow  night, 
with  a  little  revision,  and  perhaps  something  may  really 
happen  by  then.  Good  night. 


(joes   on  writing,.     Twenty 


POMONA. 

THE  hive  's  full  of  honey,  the  stedding  of  stacks, 

The  stubbles  are  bare  to  the  sunshine  again,-. . 
There  's  a  wind  in  the  branches  that  eddies  ;and  backs 

That  whispers  of  Autumn,  that  whispers  of  rain. 
The  orchards  are  mellow  with  red  globes  and  yellow, 

The  matronly  months  of  fulfilment  are  now, 
So  now  must  we  turn  to  their  goddess,  and  yearn  to 

Pomona,  beloved  of  the  fruit-burdened  bough  ! 

The  swallows  have  gone  from  the  eaves  and  the  spire, 

From  the  garden  has  faded  the  pomp  of  high  June, 
But  crimson  's  the  maple,  the  woods  are  a-fire, 

And  filling  with  woodcock  beneath  the  new-moon  ; 
Folk  say  that  she  lingers  with  berry-stained  fingers 

On  field-paths  that  clamber  by  cottage  and  croft, 
Pomona,  dear  maiden,  whose  brown  arms  are  laden 

With  fruit  and  with  fulness  for  cellar  and  loft ! 

Oh,  some  may  build  altars  for  Dian,  and  some 

For  Cyprian  Venus  who  rose  from  the  sea, 
And  some  for  the  Muses  the  learned  and  glum, 

But  no  such  fine  ladies  for  mortals  like  me. 
No  doubt  they  are  charming ;  I  'd  find  them  alarming ; 

And  when  did  they  offer  to  quench  a  man's  thirst  ? 
Pomona,  provider  of  tanged  autumn  cyder, 

Our  lady  of  apples,  she  's  easily  first ! 

-::-  -::•  -::-  -::-  *  # 

Since  you  'd  offer  libation,  this  method  is  mine — 

Go  up  by  the  footpath  (the  high  roads  I  shun), 
And  ten  miles  of  walking  will  show  you  her  shrine, 

An  inn  with  a  settle  that  faces  the  sun ; 
And  absent  if  She  be,  an  apple-cheeked  Hebe 

Shall  pour  you  her  nectar  that  winks  and  that  swirls ; 
She's   brown   and   she's   smiling,    she's   plump,   she's. 
beguiling, 

Perhaps  not  the  goddess,  but  one  of  her  girls ! 


PUNCH,   OR   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.-OcTOBER  18,  1911. 


INDUSTRIAL  COU 


'',ilR  GEORGE  ASKWITH 
f 


THE   OPTIMISTS. 

FIRST  IMPORTED  AGITATOR   (to  his  comrade,  as  they  u-atch  Mr.  Sydney  JJgvJLjJJ'-^JJSS" 
HEARTED.     LET'S   HOPE  WE  SHALL  BE  ABLE  TO  MAKE  AS   MUCH  TROUBLE  AS  BEE 


OCTOBER  18.  1911.]  PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


273 


THE  GREAT  WAGER. 

•  ["M.  Maurice  Maeterlinck,  the  Belgian  writer, 
!ias  wagered  £80  that  lie  will  succeed  in  landing 
itNew  York  and  reaching  Boston,  Massachusetts, 
without  being  interviewed  by  American  re- 
XH'ters." — Daily  Press.] 

M.  MAETERLINCK  is  a  man  of  ideas, 
is  those  who  have  read  his  books  and 
jaen  his  plays  need  not  ba  told,  but 
3ven  he  is  not  above  taking  counsel, 
ind  in  order  to  help  him  carry  out 
this  great  enterprise  —  for  £80  is  a 
rain  worth  winning — he  has  permitted 
inquiries  to  be  made  of  a  number  of 
>ersons  likely  to  be  of  assistance. 

Some  of  the  replies  are  subjoined. 

Sir  ARTHUR  CONAN  DOYLE:  Any 
assistance  that  I  can  give  is  at  the 
service  of  my  confrere.  Literary  artists 
should  stick  together.  One  of  the  best 
disguises  is  that  of  the  one-legged  man. 
This  is  painful,  as  it  means  bending 
;he  calf  of  the  other  leg  backwards 
against  tha  part  above  the  knee  and 
wishing  the  result  into  a  truncated 
;rouser;  but  it  can  be  dona.  No  one 
would  expect  M.  MAETERLINCK  to  have 
rat  one  leg.  The  twisted  lip  is  useful 
;oo,  but  one  must  remember  that 
American  interviewers  have  sharp  eyes. 

Sir  GILBERT  PARKER;  I  can  offer 
no  advice  as  to  how  to  enter  America 
without  being  interviewed,  because 

have  never  tried  it  and  never 
intend  to. 


Mr.  ARNOLD  BENNETT  :  I  have  given 
much  thought  to  this  subject  and  I 
think  I  have  hit  on  a  good  working 
plan.  Let  M.  MAETERLINCK  go  just 
as  he  is.  But  let  him,  when  he  lands, 
take  with  him  a  body-companion  dis- 
guised as  a  desperate  character,  carrying 
a  square  brown-paper  parcel  under  his 
arm.  This  parcel  must  contain  a 
well-painted  copy  of  the  "  Monna  Lisa," 
and  the  paper  must  be  just  enough 
torn  to  permit  a  sight  of  her  face 
through  it.  In  the  ensuing  riot  M. 
MAETERLINCK  will  have  no  difficulty  in 
escaping. 

Mr.  W.  CLARKSON  :  Leave  it  to  WILLY. 

Meanwhile  extraordinary  prepar- 
ations are  being  made  by  the  New 
York  press  to  cause  the  dramatist  to 
lose  his  money.  One  mano3uvre  that 
is  recommended  is  to  interview  every 
one  on  the  ship,  down  to  the  meanest 
scullion,  and  to  open  every  conversation 
— even  to  ladies — with  the  words, 
Good  morning,  M.  MAETERLINCK,  I 
hope  you  have  had  a  good  passage." 
This  plan,  however,  cannot  ba  carried 
out  owing  to  the  time  rt  would  occupy 
and  the  dislocation — beyond  that  now 
permitted — of  the  business  of  landing 
and  emerging  alive  from  the  Custom 
House. 

An  amendment  suggests  that  an 
enormous  megaphone  should  be  placed 
on  the  statue  of  Liberty,  and  should 


\  address  every  steamer  entering  the 
harbour  from  England  with  the  words, 
"  Good  morning,  M.  MAETERLINCK,  I 
see  you  are  there.  I  hope  you  have 
had  a  good  passage.  Anything  that 
you  do  not  tell  me  about  the  impression 
America  is  making  on  you  will  be  taken 
down  in  writing  and  use:l  as  evidence 
against  you."  This  device,  it  is  held, 
will  be  so  comprehensive  as  to  embrace 
M.  MAETERLINCK  sooner  or  later,  and 
it  has  been  held  by  a  first-class  United 
States  lawyer  that  even  if  he  did  not 
hear  the  words  the  address  and  threats 
would  be  tantamount  to  an  interview. 
On  the  other  hand  there  is  considerable 
objection  to  the  proposal  on  the  ground 
not  so  much  that  it  is  perhaps  not 
altogether  sporting  as  that  it  leaves 
too  little  opportunity  for  papers  to 
exercise  that  rivalry  which  is  the  breath 
6f  their  life. 

Meanwhile  a  strong  feeling  exists 
among  the  New  York  interviewers  that 
the  author  of  The  Blue  Bird  is  not 
quite  playing  the  game.  He  says 
nothing  of  when  he  intends  to  cross. 
It  is  held  that  dates  should  be  given  in 
order  that  the  great  contest  may  be  fair 
to  both  sides. 


"LOST,  on  Tuesday,  from  a  meadow  at  Heven- 
Ingham,  a  young  Bud." 

Adrt.  in  "East  Anglian  Times." 

Has  anybody  seen  our  blade  of  grass  ? 


274 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  18,  1911. 


CRAGWELL    END. 

PART  III. 

THEN  the  pedlar  called  to  the  crowd  to  hear, 
And  his  voice  rang  loud  and  his  voice  rang  clear ; 
And  he  lifted  his  head  and  began  to  troll 
The  whimsical  words  of  his  rigmarole: — 

"  Since  last  I  talked  to  you  here  I've  hurled 

My  lone  way  over  the  wide,  wide  world. 

South  and  North  and  West  and  East 

I've  fought  with  man  and  I've  fought  with  beast; 

And  I  've  opened  the  gates  and  cleared  the  bar 

That  blocks  the  road  to  the  morning  star  1 

"I've  seen  King  Pharaoh  sitting  down 

On  his  golden  throne  in  his  jeivelkd  crown, 

With  wizards  fanning  like  anything 

To  cool  the  face  of  the  mighty  King  : 

But  the  King  said,  '  Wizards  are  off,'  said  he ; 

'  Let  Joseph  the  gipsy  talk  to  me.' 

"  So  I  sat  by  the  King  and  began  to  spout 
As  the  day  dreiv  in  and  the  sun  went  out; 
And  I  sat  by  the  King  and  spun  my  tale 
Till  the  light  returned  and  the  night  grew  pale  ; 
And  none  of  the  Wizards  blinked  or  stirred 
While  the  King  sat  drinking  it  word  by  word. 

"  Then  he  gave  me  rubies  and  diamonds  old ; 
He  gave  me  masses  of  minted  gold. 
He  gave  me  all  that  a  King  can  give : 
The  right  to  live  and  to  cease  to  live 
Whenever — and  that  'II  be  soon,  I  know — • 
The  days  are  numbered  of  Gipsy  Joe. 

"  Then  I  went  and  I  wandered  on  and  on 

Till  I  came  to  the  kingdom  of  Prcster  John ; 

And  there  I  stood  on  a  crystal  stool 

And  sang  the  song  of  '  The  First  Wise  Fool '  : 

Oh,  I  sang  it  low  and  I  sang  it  high 

Till  John  he  whimpered  and  piped  his  eye. 

"  Then  I  drew  a  tooth  from  the  lively  jaw 
Of  the  Prester's  ebony  Aimt-in-laiv  ; 
And  he  bubbled  and  laughed  so  long,  d'you  see, 
That  his  wife  looked  glum  and  I  had  to  flee. 
So  I  fled  to  the  place  where  the  Rajahs  grow, 
A  place  ichere  they  wanted  Gipsy  Joe. 

"  The  Rajahs  summoned  the  turbaned  hordes 
And  gave  me  sheaves  of  their  inlaid  swords  ; 
And  the  Shah  of  Persia  next  I  saw, 
Who  's  brother  and  friend  to  the  Big  Bashaiu  ; 
And  he  sent  me  a  rope  of  turquoise  stones 
The  size  of  a  giant's  knuckle-bones. 

"  But  a  little  broicn  Pygmie  took  my  hand 
And  rattled  me  fast  to  a  silver  strand, 
Where  the  little  brown  Pygmie  boys  and  girls 
Are  cradled  and  rocked  to  sleep  in  pearls. 
And  the  Pygmies  flattered  me  soft  and  low, 
'  You  are  tall;  be  King  of  its,  Gipsy  Joe.' 

"I  governed  them  well  for  half-a-ijear, 
But  it  came  to  an  end,  and  now  I  'm  here. 
Oh,  I  've  opened  the  gates  and  cleared  the  bar, 
And  I've  come,  I've  come  to  my  friends  from  far. 
1  'm  old,  and  broken,  I'm  lame  and  tired, 
But  I've  come  to  the  friends  my  soul  desired. 


So  it  's  watches  and  lockets,  and  who  will  buy  ? 
It  's  ribbon  and  lace,  and  they  're  not  priced  high. 
If  you're  out  for  a  ring  or  a  golden  chain 
You  can't  look  over  my  tray  in  vain  : 
And  here  is  a  balsam  made  of  drops 
From  a  tree  that  's  grown  by  the 


"  I  've  a  chip  of  the  tooth  of  a  mastodont 
That  's  sure  to  give  you  the  girl  you  want. 
I've  a  packet  of  spells  to  make  men  sigh 
For  the  lustrous  glance  of  your  liquid  eye  — 
But  it  's  much  too  dark  for  such  wondrous  wares, 
So  back,  stand  back,  while  I  light  my  flares  !  " 

Then  he  lit  a  match,  but  his  ringers  fumble  3, 

And,  striking  his  foot  on  a  stone,  he  stumbled  ; 

And  the  match,  released  by  the  sudden  shock, 

Fell  in  flame  on  the  old  wood-block, 

And  burnt  there  very  quietly  — 

But  before  you  could  have  counted  three, 

Hardly  giving  you  time  to  shout, 

A  red-  blue  column  of  fire  shot  out, 

Up  and  up  and  ever  higher, 

A  marvellous  burst  of  raging  fire, 

Lighting  the  crowd  that  shrank  from  its  flashes, 

And  so  decreasing, 

And  suddenly  ceasing 
As  the  seat  of  St.  Crag  was  burnt  to  ashes  ! 

But  in  the  smoke  that  drifted  on  the  Green 

Queer  freaks  of  vision  weirdly  wrought  were  seen  : 

For  on  that  shifting  background  each  one  saw 

His  own  reflection  and  recoiled  in  awe  ; 

Saw  himself  there,  a  bright  light  shining  through  him, 

Not  as  he  thought  himself,  but  as  men  knew  him. 

Before  this  sudden  and  revealing  sense 

Each  rag  of  sham,  each  tatter  of  pretence 

Withered  and  vanished,  as  dissolved  in  air, 

And  left  the  shuddering  human  creature  bare. 

But  when  they  turned  and  looked  upon  a  friend 

They  saw  a  sight  that  all  but  made  amend  : 

For  they  beheld  him  as  a  radiant  spirit 

Indued  with  virtue  and  surpassing  meiit, 

Not  vain  or  dull  or  mean  or  keen  for  pelf, 

But  splendid  —  as  he  mostly  saw  himself. 

Darville  and  Fall  were  drawn  to  one  another, 

And  both  to  Bent  as  to  their  heart's  own  brother  ; 

And  a  strange  feeling  grew  in  every  breast, 

A  self-defeating  altruistic  zest. 

But  when  they  sought  the  Gipsy,  him  they  found, 

His  dark  eyes  staring,  dead  upon  the  ground. 

THE  END.  E.  C.  L. 


The  Heavy  Weight. 

"Mr. ,  \vlio  had  a  bedroom  on  the  second  floor,  escaped  by  jumping 

from  a   window  on  to  the  bowling  green.     The  damage  is  estimated  at 
£5,000."— Daily  News. 

You  could  almost  get  a  new  bowling  green  for  that. 


"AVacha  was  wonderfully  steady  except  towards  the  end  of  Friday 
afternoon  when  Brooke's  and  Douglas's  long  defensive  stand  had  broken 
his  heart.  Hard  as  the  pitch  was  he  broke  from  both  sides. " 

Times  of  Iiuliit. 

After  a  serious  double  fracture  like  this  WACHA  may  well 
have  been  unsteady  for  a  moment. 


Reciprocity. 

"Suspicion  was  first  aroused  against  the  man  by  his  foreign  appear- 
ance. " — Morniiuj  Paper. 

Later  on  it  transpired  that  he  was  a  German,  and  the  police 
at  once  arrested  him. 


OCTOBER  18,  1911.  j 


_PUNCH,_aR  THE  LONDON  CHAR! VABI 


THE   CORNER   IN    STAMPS. 
Now  that  some  months  have  e'apsed 
and   the   national   resentment    at    the 
now  issue  of  stamps  shows  no  sign  of 
abating,  those  of  us  who  had  sufficient 
foresight  to  hoard  our  old  stocks  are 
apparently  to  mset  with  our  reward. 
It    it    common    knowledge    that    the 
buying  of   "  King  Edwards,"  as  they 
are  conveniently  called,  has  heen  going 
quietly  on  for  several  weeks,  and  now 
that     the     largj     towns     have    been 
practically  depleted  much  business  is 
being   done  in  the  smaller  and  more 
remote   country  post-offices.     Already 
a  small  premium  has  had  to  be  offered 
in    some   few   cases,   but   by    far  the 
greater   proportion    of    these  parcels, 
varying  from  two  or  three  to  several 
dozen,   have   besn   acquired    at    their 
face  value.     It  is  indeed  the  story  of 
the    old    furniture   over   again.      The 
country  districts  are  being  ruthlessly 
pillaged   bsfore   they  have   discovered 
the   true   importance   of    their  goods. 
Before  the  year  is  out  it  is  probable 
that  nine-tenths  of  the  remaining  stock 
will  ha  held  by  the  various  members  of 
the  ring,  who  are  looking  confidently  for 
a  smart  advance  in  prices  in  the  spring. 
It   is   not   considered  likely  by  the 
prime  movers  in  this  speculation  that 
"  King  Edwards  "  will  continue  to  be 
used  by  business  firms  in  the  course  of 
their  ordinary  correspondence.     These 
have  already  been  forced  to  bow  to  the 
inevitable  and  accept  the  new  stamp, 
though    many    of    them    insist   upon 
having  the  improved  variety  sold  at  a 
premium    of    two    per    cent,    by  the 
National  Re-gumming  Co.,  Ltd.,  which 
is  doing  a  fine  body  of  business.     The 
demand  from  philatelists  is  also  quite 
negligible.     But  they  are   firmly  con- 
vinced   that    they    may    count    upon 
sufficient  support  among  the  cultured 
classes,    for    private     correspondence, 
to    secure   a   steady    and    progressive 
market.     In  artistic  circles  there  are 
many  who  feel  so  strongly  upon  the 
point   that   they  are  quite  willing  to 
deliver  their  letters  entirely  by  hand 
rather  than  disfigure  the  envelope  with 
the  current  penny  stamp. 

Fashion  also  has  her  say  in  the 
matter.  It  is  already  laid  down  in 
the  most  exclusive  circles  that  "  King 
Georges  "  may  not  be  used  for  a  dinner 
invitation,  and  no  guest's  bedroom  in 
any  smart  country  house  is  regarded  as 
properly  furnished  without  its  little 
box  of  "  King  Edwards,"  while  a  large 
cheque  to  a  fashionable  charity  calls 
inevitably  for  a  receipt  stamp  of  the 
old  issue.  The  campaign  cannot,  it  is 
true,  ba  carried  on  for  long  on  this  lavish 
icale.  But  even  when  the  scarcity  is 
ieverely  felt  and  high  prices  are  being 


Motor-bus  Driver  (who  IMS  cloudy  followed  t/tt  events  at  Tripoli]     " 
I    BAUD  AS   'OW   AM,  THE   RESEKVIsrs   'AD  BEEN   CALLED   BACK. 


WOT  YOU  DOIN'  'ERE! 


paid,  wedding  invitations  and  accept- 
ances are  certain  to  bear  the  stamp 
of  the  last  reign.  Nor  will  it  matter, 
according  to  the  experts,  what  the 
denomination  of  the  stamp  may  be. 
When  the  pennies  and  halfpennies  are 
exhausted  users  will  be  forced  to  go 
slowly  up  the  scale  till  the  really 
smart  wedding  of  ten  years  hence  will 
probably  be  heralded  by  envelopes 
bearing  the  shilling  "  King  Edward." 

Should  the  venture  be  floated  (as  it 
may  be)  as  a  limited  liability  company 
we  should  like  to  offer  one  word  of 
warning  to  intending  shareholders. 
Over  the  whole  undertaking,  so  rosy 
in  its  aspect  at  first  sight,  hangs  a 
dark  cloud  of  uncertainty — the  danger 
of  a  new  issue. 


"  There  are  44  musicians,   of  whom  27  arc 
stringed  instruments." — JSrrniug  A'etrs. 
We  have  heard  a  man  called  a  four- 
wheeled  cab. or  a  stove,  but  this  is  even 
more  insulting  a  comparison. 


TO    THE    EAST    WIND 
(which   is  said  by  a  weekly  paper  to 
be   the  secret  of  the  hardiness  of  the 

Englishman). 
TIME  was  when  you  delivered 

Your  usual  nasty  blow, 
I  simply  sat  and  shivered, 

Cursing  you  high  and  low. 
The  Sunny  East's  ejection 
Of  you  I  deemed  unkind, 
And  clamoured  for  Protection 
Against  imported  wind. 

All !  but  I  clamoured  blindly, 

Not  having  understood 
Your  aim  was  really  kindly — 

To  foster  hardihood. 
When  next  you  chill  the  bard,  he 

Will  look  no  longer  glum, 
But  whisper,  "  Kiss  me,  hardy 

I  'm  anxious  to  become." 

"The  office  of  Chief  Rabbit  was  in  his  daj 
no  bed  of  roses. "— 6'Min/oy  Time*. 

No  bed  of  lettuces,  shall  we  say  ? 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  '  [OCTOBER  18,  1911. 


ANOTHER    NEW  CLUB. 

"  WHERE  V  Baby  ?  "  said  Jeremy  to 
his  wife.  "  My  dear,  do  listen.  I  said, 
•  Where 's  Baby  ?  '  Summon  tbe  family 
t.->  tlie  drawing-room.  Father  wisbes 
to  make  a  pronouncement." 

"What  is  it?"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy. 
"I'll  tell  Baby  anything  she  ought  to 
know." 

"  I  think  it  would  be  more  impressive 
if  I  addressed  you  both.  My  idea  win 
that  you  and  Baby  should  sit  on  the 
sofa  together,  and  I  would  rest  my 
right  elbow  on  the  mantelpiece  and 
expound  to  you — gesticulating,  if  neces- 
sary, with  tbe  left  hand." 

"  Well,  don't  knock  anything  over. 
What  is  it?  Something  in  the  silly 
eld  paper?  " 

"  My  dear,"  Jeremy  remonstrated, 
"  you  mustn't  talk  like  that  about  the 
Press.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  our  inde- 
pendent Press  we  should  have  known 
nothing  about  the  Health  and  Beauty 
Butter-Scotch  which  has  done  so  much 
for  our  child." 

"  Done  so  much !  You  made  her  sea- 
sick twice  with  it." 

"  II  faut  souffrer  pour  etre  belle. 
However,  this  is  something  different." 
Jeremy  took  up  a  commanding  position 
on  the  hearth-rug.  "  My  dear  wife," 
he  said  solemnly,  "  I  have  to  inform 
you  that  I  am  about  to  become  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Willoughby-de-Broke  Club." 
"You've  got  one  golf  club  already," 
said  Mrs.  Jeremy. 

"  The  Willoughby-de-Broke  Club  is 
not  a  golf  club,"  said  Jeremy  patiently. 
"  On  the  contrary.  Its  motto  is 
•  B.M.G.' " 

"That's  a  new  kind  of  tobacco,  I 
suppose?" 

"  It  is  not,  dear.  It?  stands  for 
•Balfour  must  go.'  Balfour  is  the 
well-known  golfer." 

"  I  suppose  it 's  something  to  do  with 
politics.  I  'm  glad  I  don't  know  any- 
thing about  politics." 

"A  wife's  politics  are  the  same  as  her 
husband's,"  explained  Jeremy.  "If  you 
remember,  you  swore  to  love,  honour 
and  obey  me.  I  say  nothing  about  the 
obey,  because  you  slurred  it  over  rather, 
but  you  can't  honour  a  person  nowa- 
days if  he  differs  from  you  in  politics. 
You  have  to  call  him  a  felon,  and  no 
one  really  honours  a  felon." 

"All  right,  dear.  Then  am  I  going 
to  be  a  member  of  the  Willoughby-de- 
Broke  Club  too  ?  Because  if  so,  I  shall 
want  a  new  frock." 

"If  there  is  ever  a  Willoughby-de- 
Broke  Ladies'  Club,  you  shall  certainly 
belong,  and  Baby  too,  as  soon  as  she 
can  say  'B.M.G.'  But  just  at  present 
I  shall  be  the  only  representative  of 
the  family  in  the  club.  'Mr.  Jeremy 


Smith  of  the  Willoughby-de-Broke 
Club'— you  know,  I  think  that  will 
look  rather  well  in  the  local  paper. 
'The  annual  meeting  of  the  Cottage 
Gardeners'  Association  was  held  last 
night,  Mr.  Jeremy  Smith  of  the 
Willoughby-de-Broke  Club  being  in 
the  chair.'  'Mr.  J.  P.  Smith,  the  well- 
known  Willoughby-de-Broke  clubman, 
met  with  a  slight  accident  yesterday, 
falling  off  his  bicycle  at  the  bottom 
of  Latchley  Hill.'  '  On  Saturday  next, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jeremy  Peter-Smith  are 
giving  a  tea  to  the  old  people  of  the 
village.  Mr.  Peter-Smith,  it  may  not 
be  generally  known,  is  a  popular  iigure 
in  London  Society,  bsing  a  member  of 
the  Willoughby-de-Broke  and  Leo- 
Maxse  Clubs.'  I  think,  dear,"  said 
Jeremy,  "  as  soon  as  I  am  elected  to  the 
Willoughby-de-Broke  Club,  we  shall 
have  to  call  ourselves  thePeter-Smiths." 

"  You  may  be  blackballed,"  said 
Mrs.  Jeremy  hopefully. 

"  Not  if  I  say  '  B.M.G.'  with  sufficient 
firmness.  In  fact  it  is  my  idea  this 
morning  to  spread  the  news  in  the 
village.  I  shall  probably  return  in 
triumph,  a  hundred  eager  hands  hav- 
ing dragged  the  horses  from  the 
shafts  and  harnessed  themselves  to 
the  carriage.  Do  you  think  we  shall 
get  the  horses  back  all  right  ?  I  often 
wonder  what  happens  to  them  on  these 
occasions." 

"  It 's  only  a  pony,"  said  Mrs.  Jeremy. 

"  Still,  we  can't  go  giving  ponies 
away.  Perhaps  I  'd  better  have  the 
bicycle  out  instead." 

Jeremy  came  back  to  lunch  very 
much  depressed  and  refused  a  third 
helping  of  beef. 

"  What  a  life  of  stagnation  this 
country  life  is!"  he  said.  "We  are 
only  sixty  miles  from  London,  and  yet 
we  are  centuries  behind  it  in  ideas. 
What  do  they  know  here  of  all  the 
great  modern  movements  and  the 
leaders  of  modern  thought?  Why, 
take  this  morning ;  you  will  scarcely 
credit  it  when  I  tell  you  that  I  said 
'  B.M.G.'  to  Cobb  and  he  hadn't  a  notion 
what  I  meant.  And  he  'd  never  even 
heard  of  WILLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE." 

"  Then  they  didn't  drag  the  chain  off 
the  bicycle  and  push  you  home  ?  " 

"  No.  The  suggestion  never  arose 
at  all.  You  know,  I  'm  not  at  all  sure 
now  that  I  shall  join  the  Willoughby- 
de-Broke  Club." 

"  Well,  you  '11  save  the  subscription." 

"  If  I  can't  say  '  B.M.G.'  to  anyone 
down  here  without  being  thought  a 
raving  lunatic,  I  don't  see  the  good  of 
joining." 

Mrs.  Jeremy  looked  at  him  in  sur- 
prise. "Is  that  all  they  do  at  the 
Willoughby  -  de  -  Broke  Club  ?  "  she 
asked. 


"  Of  course.  What  did  you  think  ?  " 
He  got  up  and  stood  in  his  favourite 
position  with  his  back  to  the  fire.  "On 
Monday  they  all  say, '  Balfour  must  go,' 
to  each  other,  anil  on  Tuesday  they 
say,  '  I  say,  look  here,  you  know,  this 
will  never  do  ;  Balfour  must  go,'  and  on 
Wednesday  they  say,  '  Well,  there 's 
only  one  thing  for  it,  Balfour  must  go,' 
and  on  Thursday  they  trot  off -to  hear 
him  make  a  magnificent  lighting  speech, 
and  on  Friday  they  come  back  and 
say,  '  Once  again  our  great  leader  has 
given  a  trumpet-call  to  every  patriot  in 
the  country,'  and  on  Saturday  they  say, 
'All  the  same,  you  know,  Balfour  must 
go.'  And  next  week  they  do  it  all  over 
again.  It's  tremendous  fun." 

Mrs.  Jeremy  got  up. 

"  I  don't  think  I  need  tell  Baby 
about  the  Willoughby-de-Broke  Club," 
she  said.  "  She  'd  think  it  so  silly." 

A.  A.  M. 


THE  MEETING  OF  TWIN  SOULS. 

JOHN  is  twenty-seven  years  of  age 
and  describes  himself,  in  his  income- 
tax  returns,  as  following  the  trade, 
vocation,  employment  or  profession  of 
a  musical  critic.  The  profits  do  not, 
he  tells  me,  look  imposing  on  paper, 
but  his  compensation  is  his  reputation 
among  the  'dear  philistines.  Mrs. 
Wodehouse,  for  instance,  asked  him  to 
dinner  on  the  strength  of  it  alone, 
adding,  in  a  personal  postscript,  that 
"  my  young  friend  Gladys  Pethick,  an 
amateur  pianist  of  great  talent,  with 
whom  I  am  sure  you-  will  have  much  in 
common,"  was  coining  also.  Thinking 
more  of  the  dinner  than  of  the  guest, 
he  accepted,  and  in  due  course  met,  held 
converse  with,  and  became  engaged  to 
this  Gladys.  It  is  at  their  joint  re- 
quest that  I  publish  this  true  account 
of  the  discovery  of  their  affinity. 

"  Gladys,"  said  Mrs.  Wodehouse, 
introducing  them,  "  this  is  Mr.  John 
Bantock.  There,  now  you  know  each 
other,  and  I  am  sure  you  will  have 
a  lot  to  say  to  each  other  about  your 
beloved  music." 

A  little  later,  Mr.  Wodehouse  had  a 
communication  to  make  to  John,  which 
required  to  be  stated  apart,  in  a  whisper. 
"  Bantock,  will  you  take  Miss  Pethick 
in  to  dinner  ?  She 's  very  keen  on 
music  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  and 
my  missus  thought  you  ought  to  meet 
and  exchange  views.'1 

"  What  do  you  think  of  PUCCINI  ?  " 
asked  John,  dutifully  and  much  against 
the  grain,  as  soon  as  they  were  seated. 

"  I  don't,"  said  Gladys,  "  but  I  will 
try  to,  if  you  will  give  me  a  lead.  To 
tell  you  the  truth — 

"It  is  a  little  early  for. that,  isn't 


18,  1911.] 


PUNGHQfiTHE   LONDON 


HIS    BATTLES   OVER   AGAIN. 

Colonel  X.  (who  has  presented  elephant  to  museum  and  is  naturally  excited  when  seeing  it  for  the  fint  time  pmuei-lii  iiutulled).   "NARROW 

VL  WITH   THIS   CHAP;     KIR*T  SHOT  EIOHTH   OF  AN   INCH   TOO    HIGH;     TUKNXD    AM)    OUBOKD.        LOOKING    BOUND    FOR   SECOND  IUKIK 
'E"   F''m      !5TA"TINC    T0    RUy     Til"'  ' 


S1IAVL 

™  4       V'E"   F''m      !5TA"TINC    T0    RUy> 

IH.      LIFE   Ml-EXDED   OX   SXAP-SHOT.       BAXG  ! 


. 

FELL.        BOLLI.VO    OVER    QUICKLY,    LIKE    THIS,    Jl'.ST    TIME    TO    BAM    CARTRIDGE  1STO 
DROPPED  HEAD   WITHIN   FIFTEEN   INCHES   OF   ME  ;     BULLET  THROUGH   HEA11T." 


it?     Anyhow,  who   is    your   favourite 
composer?  " 

"  Oh,  it  is  mucli  too  early  for  that," 
smiled  Gladys.  "  Let  us  eat  a  little  of 
our  salmon  first." 

"It  is  very  good  salmon,"  said  John, 
more  happily,  "  and  I  don't  know  of 
many  things  in  the  world  better  than 
that.  Mind  you,  I  rather  think  I 
prefer  it  cold,  but  no  doubt  the  cook 
has  thought  the  matter  out.  Com- 
pensation is  certainly  coming,  for  I 
notice  from  the  menu  that  there  is  on 
its  way  an  ice  pudding.  Of  all  the 
adorable  things  in  the  universe — 

"  You  are  a  musical  critic,  aren't 
you  ?  "  interrupted  Gladys. 

"  So  I  am.     I  had  forgotten." 

"  And  Mrs.  Wodehouse  is  watching 
us.  Tell  me  all  about— er— musical 
criticism." 

Enthusiasm  died  out  of  John's  eyes 
as  he  resumed  his  duty. 

"  And  now,"  said  John,  when  he  had 

aid  all  the  old  things  about  all  the  old 

nasters,  "  it  is  your  turn.     You  were 

asked  here  to  meet  me,  and  you  have 


done  it.  .  I,  for  my  part,  was  asked 
here  to  meet  you.  So  fire  away." 
Then  he  turned  his  attention  to  his 
quail  on  toast,  while  Gladys  hunted 
round  for  topics. 

"  I  was  at  the  opera,  the  other  night," 
she  began  at  last. 

"  You   were   indeed,  for  I  saw  you 
there.     You  had  a  blue  dress  on." 

"Did  you  like  it?"  asked  she  eagerly. 

"  No,"  said  John  ;  "  I  adored  it." 

"  And  it  was  all  my  own  idea.  Yes, 
I  think  I  may  say  it  was  a  good  idea, 
but  even  now,  you  know,  I  am  not 
quite  certain  that  it  was  not  a  little  too 
severe.  I  love  simplicity,  but  there  are  j 
limits.  You  see  the  girl  opposite  us  ? 
Obviously  pink  isn't  her  colour,  and 
she  hasn't  an  idea  how  to  wear  her 
clothes,  but  I  must  confess  that  I  envy 
her  just  that  touch  of — 

"  And   they   told    me  you   were   an 
amateur  pianist,"  said  John. 

"  If  I  must  be,  then  I  am  ...    I  love 
my  piano.     It  has  seven  octaves  and 
ighty-five  keys.     I  counted  them  this 
morning.     There  are  two  candlesticks 


outside,  and  the  inside  is  full  of  wires. 
There   is   a   photograph    on   the    top, 
I  which     falls    down    whenever    I    get 
.fortissimo.       The    piano-tuner    comes 
;  regularly    once    a    quarter.    F  sharp 
is  my  favourite  note,    although   it   is 
;  black.     Does  the  ice  pudding  come  up 
:  to  expectations  ?  " 

"  I  have  only  one  criticism." 

"  Is  that  a  musical  one?  " 

"No ;  so  I  "m  afraid  it  won't  interest 
you.  It  is  that  the  colour  of  it  does 
not  come  up  to  that  of  your  dress." 

The  first  real  step  towards  a  proposal 
was  made  later  at  the  piano,  when 
Gladys  had  just  finished  play  ing  neither 
of  them  ever  knew  what  (by  request). 

"  Delightful !  "  said  John,  who  was 
standing  by  in  case  of  emergencies. 
'    "  What  ?"  said  Gladys. 

"  The  way  you  do  your  hair." 

"  Oh,"  blushed  Gladys. 

And  Mrs.  Wodehouse  is  still  happy 
in  the  belief  that  the  subsequent  event 
arose  from  nothing  else  but  a  mutual 
and  intense  sympathy  in  the  matter  of 
harmonics  and  counterpoint.  . 


278 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [OCTOBEB  18,  1911. 


Mr.  PIERPONT  MORGAN,  not  to  be 
outdone,  is  sending  to  the  Salvation 
Army  headquarters  250  illuminated 
missals  of  the  thirteenth  century  to  be 
divided  among  the  Night  Shelters  of 
London. 

Sir  ALFRED  MOND,  so  it  is  stated  on 
tha  unimpeachable  authority  of  the 
Welsh  vernacular  press,  has  despatched 
150  kegs  of  Macassar  oil  to  be  dis- 
tributed on  Guy  Faux  day  to  the 
children  of  the  Cardiff  Band  of  Hope. 

Lord  CHABNWOOD  has  materially 
increased  his  enormous  popularity  at 
Lichfield  by  declaring  his  fixed  and 
unalterable  intention  to  present  copies 
of  all  his  speeches  at  the  recent  Church 
Congress,  bound  in  vellum  with  gilt 
edges,  to  every  baby  in  arms  in  the 
locality. 

Lastly,  we  learn  that  Lord  PIRRIE  is 
about  to  present  a  portrait  of  himself 
'n  his  robes  as  a  Knight  of  St.  Patrick, 
framed  in  brilliants,  to  all  the  inhabi- 
ants  of  Belfast  who  are  in  receipt  of 
outdoor  relief. 


Constable  (trying  the  good  old  test   vjxm   belated  person  u'!u>  persists  he  was   "  ncr'  sluibrer 
in '» life").  "CAN  YOU  SAY  'BRITISH  CONSTITUTION'?" 
Belated  one  (icith  strongest  "Die-Hard"  convictions).   "THERE  ISHN'T  ONE  sow  !  " 


PEACTICAL  PHILANTHROPY. 

["Sir  ABE  BAILEY  has  sent  eleven  head  of 
South  African  venison  to  the  Churcli  Army. 
The  meat  will  be  distributed  among  the  Society's 
Labour  Homes  and  other  institutions. " — Times.'] 

STIMULATED  by  the  example  of  the 
South  African  magnate,  several  other 
of  our  prominent  plutocrats  have,  it  is 
asserted,  determined  to  manifest  their 
munificence  on  similar  lines. 

Mr.  J.  B.  JOEL,  considering  Sir 
ABE'S  gift  incomplete,  is  providing  such 
accessories  to  the  venison  as  red  cur- 
rant jelly,  and  has  also  arranged  for 
a  larder  in  which  the  meat  may  hang 
until  ready  for  the  table. 

Baron  DE  FOREST  has  sent  14,000 


cold  storage  plovers'  eggs  to  be  dis- 
tributed amongst  the  poorest  of  his 
supporters  in  West  Ham. 

Simultaneously  advices  arrive  from 
Cambridge  to  the  effect  that  Sir 
EKNEST  CASSEL  has  despatched  twelve 
motor  lorries  laden  with  caviare  to  the 
I  Master  of  the  Newmarket  Workhouse 
for  the  Christmas  dinner  of  the  inmates. 

A  telegram  from  Dornoch,  Suther- 
landshire,  states  that  the  entire  neigh- 
bourhood has  been  thrown  into  a  state 
bordering  on  delirium  by  the  announce- 
ment that  the  Laird  of  Skibo  has 
presented  a  three-manual  organ  with 
100  stops  to  each  of  the  caddies  on  the 
Dornoch  links. 


ANOTHER  BEAU'S   STRATAGEM. 

WHEN  I  proposed,  my  Ermyntrude, 

And  you  politely  answered  "  No," 
Then  offered  me  your  sisterhood 

By  way  of  solace  for  the  blow, 
I  wonder  if  you  really  knew 

The  sort  of  bargain  you  had  struck ; 
If  so,  it  seems  apparent  you 

Possess  abnormal  pluck. 

No  longer  will  each  fatuous  word 

Of  yours  be  deemed  a  pearl  of  wit ; 
If  what  you  say  appears  absurd, 

I  shall  not  fail  to  mention  it; 
The  honeyed  speech  I  used  of  yore 

Belongs  not  to  your  altered  rank  ; 
A  brother's  normal  tone  is  more 

Unflatteringly  frank.   • 

Thus,  using  my  fraternal  right, 

I  feel  I  need  not  hesitate 
To  say  you  've  looked  a  perfect  fright 

In  all  the  hats  you  've  worn  of  late ; 
Your  love  of  red,  I  also  think, 

Proves  you  a  veritable  goose ; 
It  does  not  suit  you,  dear,  while  pink 

Makes  your  complexion  puce. 

You  see,  it  is  a  brother's  way 

To  mention  little  things  like  these, 
And  I  shall  treat  you  day  by  day 

To  kindred  candid  pleasantries, 
Till,  as  in  course  of  time  you  find 

A  sister's  lot  is  fraught  with  pain, 
You   drop   your .  status,   change   your 
mind, 

And  bid  me  hope  again. 

The  Fruitful  Vine  is  announced  by 
the  publishers.  Whenever  we  have  seen 
him  he  has  taken  about  two  hours  to 
make  forty. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  -OcTOBEn  18,  1911. 


> 


THE  PEN  IS  HANDIER  THAN  THE  SWORD. 

THBTOBK.  "HI,    HI!      I'M  THE    GENTLEMAN    WHO'S    FIGHTING    ITALY.      TAKE    ME    TO 
THE    BATTLEFIELD." 

BELLONA.     "SORRY,    SIR;     CAN'T    BE    DONE." 

THE  TURK.  "BOTHER!    THEN   I  SHALL   HAVE  TO   WRITE  ANOTHER  CIRCULAR  LETTER." 


OCTOBER  18,  1911.]  PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


THE   ADAPTABLE    DEMOSTHENES. 

f     VrTlTu?v^nT,!rd  lo1",K,'lg0  t0  Mr"  '','  K-  SM','"  ll'"'  ,'!"'  """'''  """"'i'-"1  aviators*  l,n  Ik  fn  m  dininrt  to  district  at  the  biddim 
^^^^l^it^^^^^^'^^  ••'•--''  -""'': <"'»'  -  •  «««•  -Wit 


Notice  on  the  beach  in  Portland 
Bay:— 

"ADMIRALTY  TORPEDO  RANGE. 

The  Public  using  the  adjacent  foreshore  are 
warned  that,  when  a  red  flag  is  hoisted  at  the 
Torpedo  Firing  House  in  Binclaves  Groyne, 
torpedoes  are  being  adjusted  on  the  range,  and, 
as  a  torpedo  is  liable  to  deviate  from  its  course 
and  run  ashore,  it  would  probably  cause  iiijury 
slioald  it  strike  any  person  in 'Is  direction." 

The  words  italicized  express  the  only 
unfavourable  criticism  that  can  be  urged 
against  these  jolly  little  fellows. 

"A  fish  that  travels  overland  is  well  known 
in  China.  Sometimes  it  travels  a  mile  on  its 
way  from  one  stream  to  another." 

Jfewcaslle  Daily  Journal. 

It  must  put  up  a  packet  of  sandwiches 
and  come  to  England  some  day.  We 
can  guarantee  it  a  job  in  a  music-hall. 


"BALLOON  RACE. 

SEVEN    COMI'ETITOKS    FALL    OUT." 
fitlinbttryh  Ercniiuj 

The  great  thing  in  a  balloon  race  is  not 
to  fall  out. 


From  the  "  General  Directory  of 
South  Africa":— 

"Somerset  West,  also  known  as  West  SIUIHT- 
set,  to  distinguish  it  better  from  Somerset  K  i.-t. " 

We  thought  that  there  must  be  some 
far-reaching  design  behind  what  at 
first  sight  appeared  to  be  a  mere  whim. 

"  The  Merchant  of  Venice  was  presented  last 
evening,  Mi*s  Cilossop- Harris  taking  the  ]wrt  of 
Portia  ahd  Mr.  Collier  playing  HuinN  t.  It  was 
a  well-balanced  performance. ' 

It'olrcrhaiHiitvn 

It  doesn't  sound  so,  somehow. 


"The  Chairman  suggested  that  all  strangers 
joining  a  Hunt  should  be  'cupjied, '  meaning 
that  they  should  have  an  empty  cup  slionu  to 
them." — Nottingham  lluardimt, 

This   would   be  more   than  flesh  and 
blood  could  stand. 


"  The  convict  was  overpowered  and  removed 
to  separate  cells." — Yorkshire  Port. 

He  must  have  been  overpowered  rather 
roughly. 


282 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  18,  1911. 


AT  THE   PLAY. 

"THE  HONEYMOON." 

'•  M.m's  love  is  of  m  in's  life  a  thiiij  apart ; 

'Tis  woman's  whole  existence." 
THIS  is  what  the  fascinating  widow, 
Flora  Lloyd,  discovered  one  hour  after 
her  marriage  to  Cedric  Haslam — an3 
a  hundred  years  after  BYRON. 

She  might  have  found  it  out  earlier 
seeing  that  the  late  Mr.  Lloyd  had 
been  a  successful  stockbroker  "in  the 
Kaffir  Circus,"  where  love  does  not 
commonly  intrude,  but  perhaps  her 
marriage  to  him  was  never  meant  foi 
anything  but  a  business  arrangeaient 
Anyhow,  "when  Cedric,  the  leading 
English  airman,  proposed  to  cut  tli3 
honeymoon  short  in  order  to  forestal' 
a  German  in  the  first  flight  over 
Snowdon,  Flora  was  deeply  hurt.  No 
good  for  Cedric  to  say  that  it  was  foi 
the  'honour  of  England ;  he  didn'l 
really  love  her,  if  he  put  his  aeroplane 
first. 

Even  in  America  one  could  hardly 
ask  for  a  separation  at  tea-time  on  the 
day  of  one's  marriage,  and  yet  the 
difference  between  husband  and  wife 
was  noi  a  mera  lover's  quarrel  to  be 
patched  up  with  kisses  and  tears.  A 
deus  ex  maclitnd  was  wanted  here,  and 
Mr.  BENNETT  cleverly  produced  him  in 
the  shape  of  a  Bishop,  who  had  just 
niada  the  discovery  that  the  curate 
who  married  them  was  a  bogus  one. 
Whereupon  Flora  (twice  a  widow  now) 
thinks  that,  after  all,  she  won't  get 
married  again.  But  meanwhile  Cedric 
hears  privately  that  the  German 
airman  has  broken  his  leg.  There 
being  now  no  need  to  cut  short 
the  honeymoon,  he  hastens  to  con- 
fess that  he  was  wrong  and  that 
love  is  much  more  important  than 
aeroplanes.  "  Has  anythin  j  happened 
to  make  you  change  your  mind  ?  "  asks 
Flora,  who  has  also  heard  privately 
about  the  leg.  "  Nothing,"  swears 
Cedric.  "  Liar,"  says  Flora  in  effect, 
"and  I  love  you  for  it."  For  though 
the  position  of  aeroplanes  in  Cedric's 
scheme  of  life  may  still  be  doubtful,  it 
is  at  least  plain  that  honeymoons  take 


precedance  of  honour, 
up  for  honeymoons. 


Which  is  one 


Mr.  BENNETT'S  play  is  extraordin- 
arily ingenious  ;  but  the  dialogue  is  so 
fresh  and  the  characters  for  the  most 
part  so  natural  that  his  artifices  do 
not  intrude  themselves  unduly.  He 
has,  too,  a  disarming  way  with  him. 
Just  as  you  are  going  to  point  out  that 
the  bogus  curate  is  more  like  a  novel 
than  real  life,  one  of  his  characters 
makes  that  very  observation  ;  and  at  a 
family  council  upon  the  broken  engage- 
ment Flora  herself  comments  on  the 
staginess  of  it  with  the  remark,  "As 


I  said  to  Cedric  in  the  First  Act."   Bu 
there  is   no  one  to  'prevent  mo  fron 
lodging  an  objaction  against  the  Bishop 
I   have  only   once   been  within   three 
yards  of  a  Bishop,  but  I  am  sure  the 
don't  really  pat    women's   hands   anc 
call  them  "my  dear  lady."     1  objec 
also  to  tha  Swiss   waiter's  comments 
on  English  life;    Mr.  SHAW  does  botl 
comments  and  waiters  so  much  better 
The  opaning  of  the  First  Act,  brilli 
antly  played  by  Miss  MARIE  TEMPEST 
and    Mr.     GRAHAM    BROWNE,    is    the 
most    delightful    thing     I    have    evei 
seen    on    the    stage.     Miss    TEMPEST 


THE 

'c:iric  Haslam 
Flora  Lloyd 


HAPPY  COUPLE. 

Mr.  GIIAHAM  BROWSE. 
Miss  MAIUE  TEMPEST. 


continued  to  be  delightful  all  through, 


:>ut  Mr.   BROWNE   was   not 


quite 


mough  for  the  later  scenes.     In 


big 
the 


Third  Act  he  naver  for  a  moment  gave 
the  impression  of  a  man  who  has 
sacrificed  his  honour  to  his  love.  Miss 
KATE  SERJEANTSON  and  Messrs.  DEN- 
NIS EADIE,  DION  BOUCICAULT,  and 
BASIL  HALLAM  were  all  as  good 


they  could  possibly  be. 


as 


M. 


"A  quice  which  evidently  does  not  object  to 
street  noises  and  other  distractions,  has  built  a 
nest  in  a  tree  which  overhangs  the  Banbury-road 
footpath.  The  nest  is  only  some  ten  feet  or  so 
from  the  ground,  but  the  bird  takes  no  heed  of 
passers-by.  "—Oxford  Times. 

Never  having  seen  a  quica  we  are  left 
cold. 


MODUS    OPERAND!. 

"DEAR,"  said  Olive,  "will  you  just 
run  out  and  post  this  letter  for  moV  " 
Anil  this  at  half-past  nine  in  the 
evening,  when  I  supposed  I  had  settled 
in  comfortably  for  good  ! 

Our  flat  is  up  four  flights  of  stairs, 
and   tha  pillar-box   is  just  round    the 
corner   to    the  right,   but   to   reach  i 
it   is    necessary   first  to  go  down  the 
four  flights  of  stairs.    Life  is  very  hard 

"1  will  go  down-stairs,"  I  said 
forcing  myself  to  ba  cheerful,  "  I  wil 
go  round  the  corner  to  the  right,  and  ] 
will  slip  the  letter  into  the  slit  providec 
for  the  purpose."  I  illustrated  this  bj 
a  gesture.  "  But  first  I  will  put  on  my 
hat." 

"  Goodness,  gracious,"  said  Olive 
there  being  no  such  thing  as  gratitude, 
"  whatever  do  you  want  to  put  on  a 
hat  for?" 

And  a!so,"  I  said,  forgiving  her 
"I  will  put  on  an  overcoat.'' 

Olive,  to  be  sure  of  making  hei 
coming  sarcasm  heard,  followed  me 
out  into  the  hall.  As  she  was  there,  I 
thought  she  might  as  well  be  used,  so 
[  compelled  her  to  put  the  letter  down 
on  the  hat-stand  and  to  help  me  on  with 
the  coat.  "  Will  you  not  also  take  a 
packet  of  sandwiches,"  she  asked,  "  in 
case  ?  "  With  that  she  hurried  back 
into  the  drawing-room  to  avoid  a 
possible  back  answer,  and  slammed 
the  door. 

To  show  that  I  am  undefeated," 
I  said  to  myself,  "I  also  will  slam  a 
door,"  and  I  was  glad  to  hear  that  a 
front  door  can  express  even  more 
indignation  than  a  drawing-room  door. 
"And  now,"  I  added  jocosely,  "I  will 
take  steps." 

At  the  bottom  of  the  first  flight,  "  I 
will  run  down  the  next  to  keep  my 
egs  warm,"  I  said ;  at  the  bottom  of 
;he  second  flight,  "I  will  put  my 
lands  in  my  pockets  to  keep  them 
warm  " ;  at  the  bottom  of  the  third, 
I  will  turn  up  my  collar  to  keep  my 
neck  warm " ;  at  the  bottom  of  the 
burth,  "  I  will  now  cease  running  so 
as  to  avoid  the  suspicion  of  the  police- 
man at  the  corner." 

At   the   corner   the   policeman  said 

'  Good  night,  Sir,"  and  I  still  felt  warm 

ill  over.     "This  is  splendid,"  I  said; 

'  I  will  now  go  direct  to  the  pillar-box." 

Arrived   there,   I   contemplated   the 

mportant   slit  and  a  last  bright  idea 

>ccurred    to    me.       "  And    now,"     I 

aid,  "  I  will  go   back   and  fetch  the 

stter." 

"  Serious  fire  on  the  Manchester 
Ship  Canal,"  said  the  posters  last 
week.  What  Lancashire  does  to-day, 
he  Thames  may  do  to-morrow. 


OCTOBER  18,  1911.] 


THE    FINISH. 

MOKNING  had  broken  upon  a  chill 
white  fog,  eloquent  of  the  fact  that 
already  November  was  within  mea- 
surable distance.  As  the  day  advanced, 
however,  this  vanished  before  a  mild 
but  persevering  sunshine,  which  to- 
wards three  in  the  afternoon  contrived 
to  make  the  exuberance  of  indoor  tires 
somewhat  oppressive.  About  then  the 
Hostess  began  to  do  mysterious  things 
in  the  garden  with  a  thermometer. 
She  brought  back  the  result  triumph- 
antly. "  I  really  don't  know  why  we 
shouldn't,"  she  said,  "just  for  the  last 
time."  The  girl  who  was  staying  there, 
appealed  to,  also  saw  no  reason  why 
they  shouldn't.  The  master  of  the 
house  was  naturally  ignored.  Thus  it 
happened  that  basket-chairs  and  a  tea- 
table  were  carried  out,  and  that  the 
Constant  Guest,  dropping  in  about  four 
o'clock  for  his  weekly  refreshment, 
found  them  all  seated,  a  little  with  the 
demeanour  of  adventurers,  under  the 
familiar  tree  at  the  far  corner  of  the 
tennis-lawn. 

The    lawn    itself    was    not   yellow- 
brown,  as  it  had  been   lately,  but  of 
a  vivid  green,  unkempt  and  pitted  with 
tiny  earthworks  of  black  soil.     Faintly 
through  this  could  be  traced  the  chalk 
lines  of  the  courts.     Decaying  leave 
were  everywhere,  and  the  whole  thin 
was  undeniably  damp.     But  the  gues 
ignored  this. 

"Tout  comme  autrcfois!"  he  ex 
claimed  reminiscently. 

"Isn't  it?"  said  the  Hostess.  "Don1 
you  feel  that  you  present  what  th 
sea-side  column  of  The  Telegraph  call, 
an  animated  and  summer-like  appear 
ance?  We  do." 

"  Glorious !  "  murmured   the   Guest 
accepting  his  cup  from  the  Girl  (who 
had  been  staying  there  so  long  tha 
she  didn't  even  need  to  ask  him  how 
many  lumps) ;  "  I  never  thought  to  sit 
under  this    jolly  old    tree   again    for 
months.   What  a  year;  and  what  times 
we  have  had,  we  four,  in  this  garden ! ' 
"Yes,"  said  the  Girl.     The  Master 
who    had    that    very    morning    been 
dunned    for    payment  of   a   lost   bet, 
looked  up  sharply. 

"  Well,"  the  Hostess  observed,  "  this 
must  be  the  end  of  it,  anyhow.  A 
little  final  P.P.C.  call,  and  then  definitely 
good-bye." 

" '  What  are  we  waiting  for,  you  and 
I  ? ' "  murmured  the  Guest  dreamily. 

"  Personally,  for  a  match.  Thanks  1 " 
The  Host  put  down  his  cup  and  rose. 
"  This  St.  Luke's  summer  business  may 
be  romantic  but  it  is  also  rheumatic. 
Marion  " — to  the  Hostess—"  come  and 
show  me  where  you  want  those  new 
hybrids  for  next  year."  They  strolled 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CJIARIVABI. 


A  SUGGESTION. 

ADMIRABLE  AS  is  THE  MOVING  STAIRCASE  AT  EARL'S  COURT  STATION-,  WE  THINK  THAT 

THE    PASSENGER    TRAFFIC    MIGHT    BE    "SPEEDED    UP "    STILL    MOKE    WERE    THE    OFFICIALS    TO 
MAKE   USE   OF  THE   PARCEL  CHUTE  FOR  THAT  PURPOSE. 


off  arm-in-arm,  leaving  the  Girl  and  the  |     "  Shall  we  go  and  advise  them  about 
Guest  together  by  the  tea-table.  the  roses  ?    I  feel  quite  a  proprietary 

'  Do   you   remember   the   wasps  ?  "  interest  in  this  garden  by  now.     Don't 
;he  Girl  began  rather  nervously ;  "  we  !  you  ?  " 

couldn't  have  sat  here  quietly  like  this  I      "  We  've  been  here  together  so  often, 
a  month  ago."  I  you  mean?  Yes.  But  I  'm  still  waiting. 

"Glorious ! "   murmured   the   Guest  i  Please   be  quick,  because  we  're  both 
again ;    "  '  kiss^  me   once I    beg  i  catching  cold,  and  I  shan't  move  till 

VOUr  Dardon  !  "  vnii  answer  " 


your  pardon ! 
Then   she  recovered  herself.     "Oh, 


you  answer 

The    Girl    looked    down.      "Please 


Tosti,  of  course!     I  'd  forgotten  it  was  '  don't  be  so  silly !  "  she  said. 

quotation."  ••  Then  I  shall  have  to  do  it  for  you. 

"  What  did  you  think  it  was  ?  "  You  thought  it  was  a  suggestion,  and 

"  There 's  the  very  place  where  you   you  were  quite  right.    It  was." 
lipped    that    afternoon    we    were    at  |      Away  in  the  rose-garden,  where  there 
euce  for  twenty-five  minutes.     I  can  j  were   still  a    few  tight,   heart-shaped 
ee  the  mark  now.    What  fun  it  was !  " ,  buds   that  appeared   always  about  to 

"  The  painful  is  always   humorous. !  blossom  and   never  did,  the   Hostess 
>ut  you  haven't  answered  my  question,   was  glancing  back   towards  the  pair 
What  did  you  think ?"  under    the    tree    a    little    wistfully. 


281 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  18,  1911. 


"Don't  forget  tliat  five  shillings,"  she 
reminded  the  Host.  "You  were  so 
certain  tliat  he  would  before  the 
summer  was  over.  I  wish  I  'd  lost !  ' 

"I  wish  you  had,  too.  This  gar- 
dening is  an  expensive  joh.  Why  can't 
all  these  buds  earn  their  guano  by 
coming  out,  instead  of  malingering  on 
like  that?  They 're  chilled.  Take  them 
indoors  and  give  them  hot  water  and 
brandy." 

"I  did  read  something  about  warm 
water,"  began  the  Hostess  dubiously. 
Then  she  gripped  his  arm.  "  Oh,  George, 
look !  "  she  said  in  an  excited  whisper. 
"I  believe  he  has  !" 

The  Host  looked.  "Won  on  the 
post!"  he  exclaimed  triumphantly. 
"  Mid  -  October,  but  tliat  counts  as 
summer  in  a  year  like  this,  anyhow 
with  garden  -  tea.  That  'a  five  bob 
towards  the  new  roses !  "  He  sneezed  ; 
and  they  crept  quietly  into  the  house. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  latest  news  about  the  war  is  to 
the  effect  that  the  Turks  and  the  Arabs 
in  the  vicinity  of  Tripoli  are  looking 
forward  with  keen  pleasure  to  the 
arrival  of  the  eight  monoplanes  and 
two  biplanes  which  the  Italians  are 
bringing  over,  aviation  displays  being 
comparatively  rare  in  that  part  of  the 
world. 

"What,"  enquires  "Observator"  in 
The  Observer,  "is  the  principle  on  which 
a  war  acquires  its  name  ?  Why  is  the 
Tripolitan  conflict  called  the  Turco- 
Italian  war  rather  than  the  Italo- 
Turkish  war  ?  "  A  Turkish  gentleman 
informs  us  that  the  war  is  so  called 
because  the  Turks  are  ultimately  going 
to  come  out  on  top. 

A  Tripolitan  Arab,  hearing  some 
Italians  in  a  Paris  cafe  congratulat- 
I  ing  one  another  on  the  capture  of 
Tripoli,  seized  one  of  them  by  the 
legs  and  hurled  him  through  a  plate- 
glass  window.  It  is  thought  that 
the  Tripolitan  Arab  must  have  lost 
his  temper. 

The  Dreadnought  belonging  to  the 
Portuguese  Boyalists  which  figured  in 
our  newspaper  columns  has  not  yet 
been  discovered.  No  doubt  she  is 
lurking  somewhere  in  shallow  waters 
disguised  as  an  outrigger. 
-.;;  * 

The  Marquis  D'E  SOVERAL,  inter- 
viewed by  a  representative  of  The  Daily 
Chronicle,  informed  him  that  KING 
MANUEL  was  greatly  interested  in  the 
Eoyalist  rising  in  Portugal.  Those  who 
were  fighting  there  for  His  Majesty  will, 
we  are  sure,  be  glad  to  hear  this. 


The  Admiralty  has  accepted  an  offer 
from  the  Liverpool  Navy  League  to 
present  an  aeroplane  to  the  Navy. 
The  War  Office  would  like  it  to  be 
known  that  it  also  is  open  to  consider 
charitable  gifts.  Horses  in  small  or 
large  quantities  would  be  especially 
acceptable,  it  being  desired  to  form  as 
large  a  force  as  possible  of  Mounted 

Cavalry. 

•f  ^ 

A  burglar  who  broke  into  a  house  at 
Hamburg  was,  The  Express  tells  us,  so 
busy  trying  on  a  flowered  waistcoat  in 
front  of  a  looking-glass  that  he  did  not 
notice  the  entrance  of  the  owner  ac- 
companied by  a  policeman.  We  trust 
that  this  moral  story,  showing  the 
danger  of  vanity,  may  be  copied  into 
all  the  Sunday  School  books. 

Messrs.  WILLIAMS  AND  NORGATE  are 
about  to  issue  a  book  of  the  KING'S 
Speeches.  We  understand  that  it  will 
be  published  on  the  royalty  system, 
but  its  price  will  not  be  a  sovereign. 

"  A  new  type  of  Music  Hall  song," 
we  read,  "  will  be  heard  this  winter. 
It  is  'the  surprise  song.'"  Dare  we 
hope  that  the  surprise  will  consist  in 
its  being  a  song  with  some  sense 
in  it  ? 

In  an  article  entitled  "  Why  Peers 
Marry  Actresses,"  which  appears  in 
the  current  number  of  The  London 
Magazine,  the  writer  asks,  "  Against 
their  well-turned  weapons,  what  chance 
has  a  mere  peer,  all  unlearned  in  the 
arts  of  war?"  This  is,  of  course, 
peculiarly  true  when  the  Peer  is  an 
officer  in  the  Guards. 

We  are  always  glad  to  see  attempts 
to  brighten  up  our  English  watering- 
places.  Among  the  attractions  of  a 
cinematograph  theatre  at  Folkestone, 
wre  saw  announced  the  other  day,  were 
"  Animated  Pictures"  of  the  funeral  of 
local  celebrity. 

The  children  at  an  Eritli  school  were 
taken,  the  other  day,  to  a  travelling 
menagerie  and  circus  rn  order  to  give 
them  a  practical  lesson  in  natural 
history.  Later  on,  we  understand, 
they  are  to  be  taken  to  see  a  classical 
dancer  in  order  to  learn  anatomy. 

Fire  broke  out  in  a  small  wild  beast 
show  in  the  Nottingham  Goose  Fail- 
last  week,  but  the  roaring  of  the  lions 
gave  the  alarm  in  time  to  prevent 
serious  damage.  We  consider  that,  as 
a  mark  of  appreciation,  the  intelligent 
beasties  should  now  have  pretty  ribbons 
tied  round  their  necks  and  be  given 
their  freedom. 


At  a  show  held  at  Dereham,  Norfolk, 
horses  and  ponies  aged  29,  28,  and  26, 
secured  awards.  The  old  fellows,  we 
understand,  met  afterwards  and  had  an 
interesting  chat  about  the  days  when 
there  were  no  motor-cars. 

The  police  dog  Mylord  has  been  sent 
away  in  disgrace  from  the  Louvre  owing 
to  his  irrepressible  terror  of  an  Egyptian 
sphinx.  He  has  been  succeeded  by  a 
dog  named  Max.  The  incident  has 
caused  a  good  deal  of  quiet  satisfaction 
in  Berlin. 

#     •'.: 

A  feature  of  the  annual  display  of 
fashions  in  the  Longchamps  enclosure 
on  the  occasion  of  the  Autumn  Grand 
Prix  was  a  number  of  complete  costumes 
of  fur.  Bough-coated  dogs  are  claiming 
that  the  idea  originated  with  them. 

Smart  women,  we  are  told,  are  now 
expected  to  carry  coloured  umbrellas 
which  harmonise  with  their  costumes. 
This  reminds  us  of  the  lady  who  walked 
into  a  Circulating  Library  the  other 
day,  and,  when  asked  what  book  she 
required,  said,  "  Oh,  one  to  match  my 
dress,  please." 

Gowns  with  bodices  designed  like  the 
knights'  armour  of  mediae val  days  are 
one  of  the  latest  fashions  in  Paris.  We 
are  not  surprised  at  this,  for  suits  of 
armour  always  had  one  point  in  com- 
mon with  modern  dress.  They  had  no 
pockets,  and  the  problem  as  to  whsre 
the  knights  of  old  placed  their  hand- 
kerchiefs has  never  been  satisfactorily 
solved. 

A  new  crown  worth  £65,000  is  to  be 
made  for  the  KING  to  be  used  during 
the  Delhi  Durbar.  One  hears  much 
about  the  extravagance  of  women  now- 
a-days,  but  we  doubt  whether  a  member 
of  that  sex  has  ever  given  so  much  for 
her  head-gear. 

Up  to  the  year  1842,  we  are  told, 
there  was  no  organ  in  the  church  at 
Elmton,  Derbyshire,  and  the  parish 
clerk  ussd  to  whistle  the  tunes  facing 
the  congregation.  Here,  perhaps,  we 
have  a  hint  as  to  how  church  services 
might  be  brightened  up  to-day. 


Mr.  Punch  begs  to  acknowledge  the 
receipt  of  1,259  letters  pointing  out 
that  Corsica  is  not  part  of  the  Italian 
Kingdom,  as  alleged  in  last  week's 
number.  Mr.  Punch,  however,  has  a 
reputation  as  a  prophet  to  keep  up ; 
as  a  student  of  human  nature  he 
knows  how  the  passion  for  annexa- 
tion grows  upon  one,  and  all  he  says 
just  now  is,  "  Wait  and  see." 


OCTOBER  18,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAIMVARI. 


385 


Brou-n  (rising  in  bed).  "No,  NO,  IT'S  ALL  RIGHT;    I  DON'T  MEAN  TO  INTERFERE  WITH  yor. 

MIND  TAKING   AWAY   THE   ORNAMENTAL   WATCH-DOG  YOU 'l.L   FIND   IN   THE   HARDEN." 


I    WAS   ONLY  GOING  TO   ASK   IF 


AN    INSTALLATION. 

FAIR  Mystery,  and  here  at  last  thou  art. 

Much  have  I  sighed  for  thee  in  this  high  den 
Wherein  at  intervals  I  sit  apart 

Driving  a  hard  but  fairly  rhythmic  pen. 

0  thou  that  with  thy  soft  and  whispering  tone 
Bringst  me  the  commune  of  my  fellow-men 

When  I  am  bored  and  weary  of  my  own, 

1  give  thee  cheer,  glad  cheer,  my  Telephone. 

Yes,  I  have  sighed  for  thee.     In  that  dull  mood 
That  breaks  upon  the  stubborn  quest  of  rhyme, 

Oft  I  have  yearned  for  someone  to  intrude 
Upon  my  loneliness — not  waste  my  time, 

But  cheer  me  with  sweet  converse,  and  begone, 
Leaving  me  my  Parnassian  heights  to  climb  ; 

Not  like  the  well-beloved  but  tactless  John, 

Who  ruins  all  because  he  will  stay  on. 

But  now  henceforth  that  genial  soul  may  be 
Mine  in  a  moment  (and  cut  off  at  will) ; 

I  summon  George ;  a  voice  responds ;  'tis  he  : 
I  would  have  speech  with  Thomas  or  with  Bill ; 

They  answer :  nay,  the  greatest  of  the  town 
Are  at  my  call,  those  barren  moods  to  fill ; 

A  stirring  thought,  that  for  one  trifling  brown 

I  may  almost  ring  up  the  very  Crown. 

Nay,  there  is  better.     Take,  for  instance,  Jones  ; 

Jones,  as  a  comrade,  has  no  parallel ; 
His  wit  is.  Attic,  his  mellifluous  tones 

Are,  in  their  timbre,  suggestive  of  a  bell. 


Strange,  is  it  not,  that  with  such  vocal  grace 

His  countenance  can  make  you  quite  unwell  '. 
'Twere  sweet  to  have  my  Jones  about  the  place  ; 
In  all  his  charm,  without  that  silly  face. 

There  are,  I  know,  that  gaze  on  thee  awry, 

As  one  wherewith  the  hostile  may  profane 
Their  holiest  privacy,  but  not  so,  I  ; 

Only  the  green,  methinks,  need  thus  complain. 
Me,  it  shall  be  a  privilege  most  rare 

To  learn  thy  "  call,"  and  one  that  few  shall  gam  ; 
Others  may  search  the  book,  for  all  I  care  ; 
They  will  not  find  :t  ;  it  will  not  be  there. 
And  there  is  she.     Henceforth  for  ever  near, 

Maiden,  all  coyly  on  this  wavering  line 
I  will  breathe  nothings  in  your  shell-like  ear, 

You  will,  no  doubt,  breathe  nothings  into  mine. 
Oh,  this  is  wondrous,  truly  this  is  great! 

O  magic  Telephone,  what  powers  are  thine, 
That  can  unite  true  lovers,  and  abate 
The  toils  of  letter-writing,  which  I  hate. 

The  Navy  League  Spirit. 

"The  Navy  League  of  Victoria,   B.C..  lias  1-ought  the  old  surveying 
ship  JSJrr*  for  six  million  five  hundred      0*  ^.^ 


Hang  the  expense.    We  must  have  a  navy. 

•'Full  moon  on  Sunday,"  we  read  under  "  Local  Intelli- 
gence" in  the  Arbroath  'Herald.     "  Full  moon  on  Sunday, 
visible  at  Arbroath,"  is  how  it  is  generally  announce 
the  London  papers. 


28G 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER    18,    1911. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Ckrks.) 
THE  world  at  large  and  Italy  in  particular  are  indebted 


ecstasy  of  the  chase,  is  a  fine  study,  but  the  conversational 
gifts  of  Mrs.  FitzSymons  and  tli3  buccaneering  tricks  of 
the  Widow  Delanty  are  our  chief  delight  in  this  exhilarating 
entertainment.  By  the  gash  of  war — to  quote  from  the 


to  ^Mr.  GEORGE  TREVELY AN  for"  his  record  of  the  career  of  I  book  itself— it  beats  bees  in  the  making  of  wax  ! 
GARIBALDI.  Already  he  has  written  of  what  is  perhaps  the 
least-known  episode— GARIBALDI'S  defence  of  the  Koman 
Eepublic.  He  has  told  the  fascinating  story  of  the  descent 
upon  Sicily,  and  now  completes  the  trilogy  in  a  volume, 
published  by  LONGMANS,  entitled  Garibaldi  and  the  Making 
of  Italy.  It  is  possible  exigeant  readers  may  complain  that 
for  immediate  effect  the  book  is,  more  especially  in  the 
battle  scenes,  overladen  with  detail.  It  is  certainly  water- 
logged with  footnotes  reciting  authorities  that  might  well  be 
taken  for  granted.  Except  to  the  man  of  leisure  on  a  desert 

Admitting 


island,  footnotes  are  tiresomely  superfluous. 
the  exception,  here  comes 
in  one  of  the  little  ironies 
of  life,  for  the  man  of  leisure 
so  circumstanced  has  not 
access  to  one  of  Mr.  CAR- 
NEGIE'S Libraries  where  he 
might  verify  the  references. 
Ignoring  the  footnotes  and 
discreetly  skipping  some  of 
the  topographical  details  of 
the  battles,  one  has  a  moving 
story  of  the  making  of  Italy 
and  of  the  men  who  accom- 
plished the  task.  We  see 
VICTOR  EMMANUEL,  genuinely  j 
touched  by  GARIBALDI'S! 
marvellous  achievement,! 
ready  to  hold  him  in  fra- 
ternal embrace,  after  a  cer- 
tain point  abruptly  drawn 
off  by  the  subtle  statesman  | 
whose  policy  it  was  that  i 
the  monarchy  should  profit 
by  GARIBALDI'S  chivalry,  and 
that  when  he  had  made 
possible  the  unification  of 
Italy  under  the  Savoy 
dynasty,  he  should  be  more 
or  less  rudely  thrust  aside. 
Through  the  tangled  drama 
shines  the  steadfast  presence 
of  GARIBALDI,  simple  in  manner,  dauntless  in  courage 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 
XII.— THE    GASTRONOMICAL    EXPERT    OF    A   FAMOUS   WEST-END 

RESTAURANT    INSPECTING    NIGHTINGALES'    TONGUES. 


Fearful  that  in  these  days  it  may  not  be  taken  altogether 
as  a  compliment,  I  hazard  the  opinion  that  Madame 
ALBANBSI'S  work  is  instinct  with  womanliness.  One  does 
not  expect  from  her  anything  strikingly  original  in  the 
form  of  plot,  but  she  can  be  trusted  to  provide  a  clean 
entertainment,  and  this  is  to  be  founl  in  Poppies  in  the 
Com  (HUTCHINSON).  The  author's  forte  is  rather  to  pro- 
duce atmosphere  than  to  draw  character,  and  the  description 
of  the  farm  where  the  heroine  lived  with  an  old  servant  is 
given  with  a  fragrance  and  pathos  delightful  to  remember. 

On  the  other  hand,  Madame 
ALBANESI'S  bad  people  are 
too  saturated  with  sinfulness, 
and  her  good  people  unnatu- 
rally near  to  saintliness. 
Both  the  perfidious  Leila 
Arundale  and  the  perfect 
Katherine  Fenemore  would 
have  been  more  human  if 
the  one  had  possessed  a 
saving  virtue  and  the  other 
even  a  minor  fault.  Fiction 
teaches  me  that  hereditary 
quarrels  end  in  lovers'  meet- 
ings, a  benign  arrangement 
which  I  devoutly  hope  is  as 
usual  as  novelists  would  have 
us  believe.  Anyhow,  Madame 
ALBANESI  has  persuaded  me 
that  such  a  result  is  possible, 
and  for  this  and  also  for  an 
excellently  -  written  book  I 
tender  her  my  thanks. 

It  was  all  the  fault  of  The 
Little  Green  Gate  (CON- 
TABLE),  through  which  Peter 
came  from  the  beechwoods 
into  the  garden  and  the  life 
of  the  woman  of  the  brown 
earth  and  the  flowers.  They, 
and  for  four  sweet  June  days 

madness    of  the  thunder- 


were  young  and  they  loved  ; 

consumed  by  the  one  desire  to  free  Italy.     "  What  a  noble  '  and    through    the   midsummer 
human   being !  "    TENNYSON  exclaimed,   after   making  his  storm  sent  to  them  by  fate  on  their  last  evening  together, 
acquaintance  during  his  visit  to  England.  before  the  fiercer  storm  of  life  burst  upon  them,  they  shut 

out  the  world;  and  the  garden  and  the  woods  were  for 
SHERIDAN,  it  was  said,  was  deterred  from  writing  more  i  them  twain  the  Garden  of  Eden.     But  outside  its  sanctuary 


plays  because  he  was  afraid  of  the  author  of  The  School  for 
Scandal.  So  it  might  ba  said  that  his  gifted  compatriots, 
Miss  SOMERVILLE  and  "  MARTIN  Ross,"  have  of  late  years 
been  afraid  of  the  authors  of  Some  Experiences  of  an 
Irish  EM.  Well,  after  reading  Dan  Eussel  the  Fox 
[METHUEN)  we  can  assure  them  that  they  need  labour 
under  this  apprehension  no  longer.  Their  new  novel  is  as 
'ood  as  anything  they  have  done :  indeed  in  sheer  virtuosity 
of  expression  it  eclipses  their  previous  efforts.  In  wealth  of 
humour  it  ranks  with  the  E.M. ;  in  penetrating  insight  it  is 
on  a  par  with  The  Eeal  Charlotte.  They  have,  in  short,  not 
only  equalled  their  best,  but  they  have  achieved  the  well-nigh 
impossible  feat  of  writing  a  sporting  novel  which  will  give 
thrills  to  a  tailor.  And  the  characters,  such  is  the  pro- 
digality of  their  invention,  are  all  new.  Katharine  Rowan, 
a  somewhat  priggish  young  lady  de-intellectualized  by  the 


there  were  other  people.  Most  of  all  there  was  the  girl 
to  whom  Peter  had  given  his  word  before  he  blundered 
through  the  little  green  gate  into  the  other  woman's  heart. 
So  they  were  up  against  the  old  problem  of  the  conflict 
between  love  and  duty,  which,  I  have  an  idea,  can  only  be 
solved  rightly  by  those  who,  like  Peter  and  the  lady  of  the 
garden,  are  wise  and  strong  enough  to  see  that  they  are  one 
and  the  same  thing.  Let  me  advise  you  to  lift  the  latch 
of  The  Little  Green  Gate  and  learn  for  yourself  the  rest 
of  the  story,  which  STELLA  CALLAGHAN  tells  with  so  much 
understanding  of  the  beauty  and  sadness  and  humour  of  life. 


'  The  menu  was  as  follows  : — Natives.    Turtle  soup. 


Mousse  of 


chicken  a  la  toulouce.    Roast  fillet  of  beef.    Horse  a  la  toulcuse.    Roast 
fillet  of  beef.    Horsetoes." — Belfast  Scaling  Telegraph. 

No,  no  horse  at  all,  thanks. 


OCTOEER  25,  1911.]  PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHAR1VARL 


387 


CHARIVARIA. 

WHAT  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  has  for  a 
long  time  been  wanting  to  know  is  :  Why 
are  they  called  Friendly  Societies  ? 
Well,  he  knows  now. 

Some  persons,  when  once  they  begin 
to  pretend,  seem  to  find  it  difficult  to 
know  where  to  stop.  The  Portuguese 
Pretender  has,  according  to  all  accounts, 
only  been  pretending  to  fight. 

Some  recently  published  statistics 
show  that  Denmark  possesses  only  two 
centenarians.  With  a  view  to  increas- 
ing their  number  the  Danish  Govern- 
ment, we  understand,  intends  to  insti- 
tute Old  Age  Pensions  payable  at  the 
age  of  101.  :,  :!! 


Congressmen  in  America, 
we  learn  from  The  Pittsburg 
Dispatch,  are  entitled  to  free 
Turkish  baths,  free  Eoman 
baths,  free  shower  baths, 
and  free  shaves.  This  ex- 
plains why  American  poli- 
tics are  so  clean. 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  EDWARD 
CATTEKNS,  of  Sutton  (Suf- 
folk), have  recently  cele- 
brated the  sixtieth  anni- 
versary of  their  marriage. 
Mr.  CATTERNS  still  wears  the 
same  waistcoat  he  wore  on 
his  wedding  day."  Frankly, 
while  we  admire  the  omni- 
science of  The  Daily  Mail, 
we  fail  to  see  what  end  is 
served  by  circulating  petty 
scandal  of  this  kind. 


that  he  is,  we  understand,  determined 
that  it  shall  make  no  difference  to  him. 

.': 

Annoyed  at  the  statement  that  di- 
vorces are  more  frequent  amorg 
authors  than  among  other  classes,  sev- 
eral actors  have  written  to  deny  indig- 
nantly that  this  is  so. 

No  fewer  than  two  instances  of  bul- 
locks forcing  their  way  into  milliners' 
shops  were  reported  last  week.  It  is 
thought  that  the  practice  of  supplying 
animals  with  sun-bonnets  during  the 
hot  weather  has  given  some  of  them 
an  appetite  for  finery. 
*...* 

The    Express    describes    a    glutton 

belonging    to    the    Zoological   Society 

,  as   "  The  Greatest   Eater  on   Earth,"' 

and  many  parents  are  regretting  this 


IT  IS  REPORTED  .THAT  THE  AMALGAMATED  SOCIETY  OF  ArROBATs' 
COMIC  ASSISTANTS  MAY  CAM.  OUT  ITS  MEMBERS  AT  ANY  MOMENT. 
EMBARRASSMENT  OF  A  PERFORMER  WHO  QUITE  EXPECTED  TO  BE  CAUGHT 
BY  HIS  COLLEAGUE.  ' 


Commenting  on  the  fact  that  a  cer- 
tain lady  decided  in  favour  of  giving,  a 
Park  to  the  people  of  Sheffield  instead 
of  having  a  fine  set  of  jewels  for 
herself,  The  Observer  remarks  that  her 
name  should  have  been  GODIVA.  This 
insinuation  that  the  lady  in  question 
usually  wears  nothing,  not  even  jewels, 
has,  we  understand,  given  grave  offence. 
*  * 

-r 

Eleven  ladies  were  refused  admission 
to  a  whist  drive  at  Brooklyn  on  the 
ground  that  they  had  entered  into  a 
conspiracy  to  cheat.  It  is  only  fair  to 
the  ladies  to  say  that  they  did  not 
know  that  cheating  was  not  allowed. 

:;;     s£ 

While  the  Eev."  H.  E.  WILLIAMS, 
curate  of  St.  Augustine's,  Fulham,  was 
at  evening  service  on  Sunday  his  resi- 
dence was  entered  by  burglars,  furs, 
silver  cups,  and  money  being  taken 
away.  This  would  make  some  men 
give  up  going  to  church,  and  it 
speaks  well  for  Mr.  WILLIAMS'  grit 


attempt  to  put  little  boys  on  their 
mettle.  :;:  :;t 

Those  who  are  interested  in  curious 
names  will  be  pleased  with  an  advertise- 
ment,  appearing   in   The  Daily  Mail, 
which  began  as  follows  : — 
PERSONAL. 

Will  any  Solicitor  who  has  since  the 
year  1900  prepared  any  Will  for  the 
above  named  deceased,  &c.,  &c. 

Speaking  to  an  interviewer  on  the 
aims  of  the  new  Cavendisli  Club,  the 
Honorary  Secretary  said,  "  We  are  not 
admitting  clergymen  to  membership." 
As  the  Honorary  Secretary  is  the 
Eev.  H.  E.  L.  SHEPPARD,  the  situation 
is  decidedly  piquant. 

"  MORE   READABLE   THAN   EVER 
DESPITE    ITS   PICTURES," 

advertises  The  Bystander. .  Our  con- 
temporary is  really  too  modest.  In  our 
opinion  its  pictures  are  not  half  bad. 


FACTS   WORTH    FILING. 
( \\'ith  the  nsiial  acknowledgments  to  our 

contemporaries.) 

IN  ALGERIA  the  horses  outnumber  the 
human  beings ;  in  Venice  it  is  the  other 
way  about. 

THE  INVENTOR  of  pyjamas  died  with- 
out realising  any  considerable  fortune 
from  his  idea. 

AN  ORDINARY  beer-bottle  cork  if  thrust 
to  the  bottom  of  a  bathful  of  water, 
will,  when  released,  rapidly  come  to  the 
surface.  This  can  be  tried  at  home. 

THE  LONDON  sparrow  will  not,  as  a 
rule,  attack  a  man  unless  provoked. 

IN  THE  BRITISH  NAVY  the  offence  of 
"  masquerading  in  female  attire  "  is  not 
now  punishable  by  death. 

WHALEBONE  has  been 
suggested  as  the  best  ma- 
terial for  golf -balls,  but 
nothing  has  as  yet  come  of 
the  idea. 

A  GERMAN  arclwologist 
has  conclusively  proved  that 
there  were  no  railings  round 
the  Garden  of  Eden. 

USED  WAX  MATCHES  have 
little  or  no  commeici.il 
value  in  Iceland. 

THE  COMMON  house-fly 
can  lift  nearly  eight  times 
its  own  weight,  but  it  is 
seldom  employed  for  this 
purpose  in  the  British  Isles. 

CORNISH  FISHERMEN  will 
refuse  to  go  out  with  visitors 
who  use  rabbits  as  bait. 

BY  SUPERSTITIOUS  people  green  figs 
are  considered  to  be  a  sign  of  a  severe 
winter. 


"EMIGRATION. — Look  what  Sacrifice  tins 
means ;  Inld.  Rosewood  Drwng-nii.  Siiitr. 
Cabnt.  Piano,  Table,  Wtr  Clr  l)r»-n«s,  1'ii/r 
Set  Fr-irous,  Oveniint<'l,  Odk  Bureau,  Bdm. 
Suite,  Hall  Std.,  Cri>U,  Linos,  Blk.  *  C|irt 
Bclstds,  Wire  Mtrss.  Has  Stoves,  Dug.  Table, 
Ltlir.  Couch,  Arm  Chaiis,  Vowel  Washer." 
MiiHrhtstrr  Evening  Chrmiidt. 

The  "  Vowel  Washer  "  (if  you  got  as 
far  as  that)  seems  to  have  had  a  busy 
morning. 

The  Simple  Life. 

"Tsen  Chun  Hsuan,  the  Viceroy,  who  has 
been  tent  to  deal  with  the  rebellion  in  Szechuan, 
has  been  drsc'Hlied  as  an  Oriental  Kitchener  \vith 
a  penchant  for  cutting  off  heads.  He  is  a  st  ion-; 
man  of  simple  tastes.  — Daily  Chronirl'-. 

But  even  men  of  simple  tastes  have 
their  little  hobbies.  With  some  it  is 
fretwork ;  with  HSUAN  it  is  cutting  oft 
heads. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER   2"j,    1911. 


THE    LOYALISTS. 

,-.t,'d  lii  Sorrm-.Y's  "  The  Battle 
'of  Blenheim.") 

| Tin1  ]n-rii»l  is  sonic  .r>.">  ycvirs  henee.  Lonl 
H.\i..-i!ri:v.  l>v  now  a  vrtrran  of  advanced  yeais, 
i>  explaining  the  crisis  of  lull  t •>  two  of  his 
,i,-s,vm];uits.  christened  ul'ter  tho  jjiviit 
\\"ii.in|-c;iil!V  UK  Ul'.t'KK  ami  the  famous  Y.  K. 
SMITH.] 
IT  was  an  autumn  evening, 

OKI  Die-hard's  work  was  done, 
He  had,  in  fact,  attained  the -age 

Of  seven-score  years  and  one ; 
And  with  him  chatted  at  his  knee 
Hisgreat-great-grandchild.Willoughby. 

Upon  the  floor  the  hitter's  twin, 
Young  Erne,  safc  and  played 

With  something  sharp  and  smooth  and 

fine 
And  lettered  on  the  blade ; 

And  asked  if  it  was  used  in  war, 

And  what  the  B.M.G.  was  for. 

"  That  is  the  trowel,"  he  replied, 

"  With  which  I  was  to  pat 
The  Die-hard  Club's  foundation-brick, 

Only  the  scheme  fell  flat ; 
'Tis  a  memento  dear  to  me 
Of  the  great  age  of  loyalty." 

"  But  tell  us  what  the  letters  mean," 
She  asked  with  eager  shout. 

"  BALFOUK  Must  Go,"  said  he, "  but  why 
I  could  not  well  make  out ; 

But  this  at  least  for  sure  I  know 

That  anyhow  he  didn't  go." 

"And  who  was  BALFOUB,  tell  us  that?" 
"  Our  noble  chief,"  he  said. 

"  And  was  there  anyone  who  wished 
Tp  be  the  chief  instead  ?  " 

"  No.     Things  like  that  aren't  done," 
said  he, 

"  By  men  of  simple  loyalty." 

"  Dear  great-great-grandpa,"  said  the 
boy, 

"  Didn't  you  think  it  strange, 
If  they  were  all  such  loyal  men, 

That  they  should  want  a  change?  " 
"  You  are  too  small  to  grasp,"  said  he, 
"  The  rules  of  party  loyalty. 

"  They    loved    him,    oh    so   well,    but 
thought 

He  sadly  wanted  grit ; 
They  felt  that  if  they  kicked  him  hard 

He  might  improve  a  bit." 
Said  Eflie :  "  Well,  it  seems  to  me 
A  funny  sort  of  loyalty." 

"  I  am  an  old  man,"  Die-hard  said, 

"  But  I  was  younger  then, 
And  possibly  was  flattered  by 

These  loyal  gentlemen." 
Said  Effie :  "  Still  it  seems  to  me 
A  funny  sort  of  loyalty." 

"  Kind  words  the  Duke  of  MAKLBOROUGH 

spoke, 
And  our  good  SELBOKXE  too." 


"But  wasn't  it,"  said  Willoughby, 

A  rotten  thing  to  do  ?  " 
"I  grant  that  it  was  not,"  said  he, 
"  The  usual  kind  of  loyalty. 
But  none  the  less  the  Chief  sat  tight 

And  never  turned  a  hair." 
"And  did  he  thank  you,"  asked  the  boy, 

For  all  your  loving  care  ?  " 
"  One  doesn't  want  reward,"  said  he, 
For  acts  of  simple  loyalty."        0.  S. 

HOME  RULE  FOR  SCHOOLBOYS. 

" North  Close"  Oct.  22,  1911. 

DEAR  MB.  PUNCH, — I  think  it  would 
be  a  ripping  idea  if  you  would  let  me 
contribute  my  views  on  the  Home  Eule 
question  to  your  paper.  There 's  so 
much  rot  written  about  schoolboys 
only  thinking  of  games  and  grub,  that 
1  want  to  show  people  we  've  got  views 
about  the  Empire  a  jolly  sight  more 
sensible  than  most  of  the  putrid  rot 
the  rotters  stick  in  the  papers.  There  's 
a  fellow  in  The  Observer — of  course  we 
take  in  all  the  best  papers— who  's 
allowed  three  long  columns  every  wyeek 
and  sometimes  four,  to  say  just  what 
he  likes  in.  That 's  what  I  should  like, 
Lut  as  it  would  take  up  about  five 
pages  in  Punch,  I  suppose  you  would 
consider  it  a  bit  too  hefty  for  a  start.  • 

I  'm  writing  this  during  English  hour 
with  the  Head.  Of  course  I  wouldn't 
dream  of  doing  it  under  Old  Beefy's 
nose — that 's  Mr.  Calthrop,  our  house- 
master. He  's  got  an  eye  like  a  gimlet 
and  can  spot  you  through  a  brick  wall, 
though  now  he's  married  he's  not 
quite  the  man  he  was.  I  always  think 
marriage  is  a  mistake  for  any  ush.  It 
makes  him  soft. 

This  Home  Eule  matter  is  a  bigger 
thing  than  most  people  think — you  can 
take  that  from  me.  It 's  not  going  to 
stop  with  Ireland.  When  I  .was  a 
house  prefect  —  I  got  reduced,  you 
know,  over  that  row  with  the  Head — 
I  could  see  quite  clearly  what  a  ripping 
idea  it  is  to  let  men  govern  the  men 
whose  tricks  they  understand.  Do 
you  think  there  was  any  ragging  or 
slacking  in  my  preps.  ?  You  bet  not — 
I  'd  done  most  of  the  tricks  myself,  so 
I  knew !  Let  REDMOND  take  prep,  in 
an  Irish  Parliament,  and  he  '11  know 
how  to  keep  them  in  order  and  make 
the  beggars  behave  like  good  little  boys. 

I  said  Home  Rule 's  not  going  to 
stop  with  Ireland.  Home  Rule 's  what 
ice  want.  Of  course  we  've  got  a  little 
of  it  already  in  the  prefect  system,  but 
not  enough  by  a  hundred  miles.  You 
read  an  awful  lot  of  rot  in  the  papers 
about  the  defects  of  a  public  School 
education,  but  there 's  some  truth  in 
it,  and  it 's  all  due  to  the  rotten  idea 
that  middle-aged  fossils  know  what's 
best  for  boys.  Let  the  middle-aged 


footlers  make  rules  for  the  other 
middle-aged  footlers,  say  I,  and  let 
boys — I  mean  of  course  the  sensible 
fellows  with  a  real  knowledgs  of  the 
world — make  rules  for  boys. 

Don't  you  imagine  that  we  'd  cut 
out  work  altogether,  or  any  rot  like 
that.  Work  is  jolly  good  discipline 
for  kids,  who  want  their  little  noses 
held  down  to  the  bally  grindstone. 
But  the  older  fellows  —  men  of  the 
world,  you  know — ougl.it  to  be  allowed 
to  choose  how  much  time  they  '11  give 
to  work  and  what  subjects  they  '11  go 
in  for.  Take  my  cass.  My  pater 
wants  me  to  go  into  Parliament  some 
day,  and  as  he  's  got  the  cash  we  can 
take  that  as  settled.  Now  what  use 
is  Latin  and  Greek  to  .me  when  I  get 
into  Parliament  ?  Nowadays  they  only 
jeer  at  you  if  you  try  and  quote  Latin 
and  Greek  in  the  House,  like  BUHKK 
and  MACAULAY  and  ADDISON  and  those 
sort  of  fellows  used  to  do. 

If  I  had  my  choice  I  'd  swot  at 
something  a  jolly  sight  more  useful. 
I  'd  have  an  ush  specially  to  teach  us 
repartee  and  polite  slanging — I  mean 
like  knowing  how  to  call  a  man  a  bally 
liar  without  his  being  able  to  object. 
Of  course  we  know,  something  about 
repartee  already,  considering  we  'spend 
most  of  our  spare  time  trying  to  score 
off  one  another ;  but  when  a  grown-up 
hears  it  he  calls  it  "  rude "  or 
"  vulgar."  Menls  repartee  is  just  the 
same  thing,  • but  'it 's  put  in  polite 
language,  and  I  admit  ours  isn't.  <  For 
instance,  when  that  sarcastic  .little 
scug  Ironsides  said  to  me  the  other 
day,  "  I  hear  Mrs.  Beefy  is  trying  to 
improve  your  dear  little  minds  at  North 
Close  with  Sunday  readings  from 
DANTE,"  which  is  quite  true,  I  replied, 
"  You  ought  to.  .  Your  ears  ai'e  big 
enough.  When  you  flap  them  in 
chapel  you  send  a  draught  down  our 
necks  like  the  Piccadilly  Tube." 

Now  I  wonder  how  you  'd  construe 
that  in  parliamentary  English  '.' 

I  hope  you  '11  be  able  to  print  this 
letter,  because,  for  another  reason,  I 
could  do  with  a  little  cash.  I  've 
promised  to  dine  my  uncle  at  the  Troc. 
on  term-holiday,  and  I  want  to  do  the 
thing  in  style.  Yours  truly, 

P.  H.  ROGEBS. 


"The/  ride  up  siluit  and  unchallenged  to 
the  walls,  they  smile  at  us  the  smile  of  a  I'rien  1, 
and  without  more  ado  we  lower  the  portcullis." 

Min-iliilil  /'IK/. 

Now,  we  ask — is  that  the  act  of  a  real 
friend?  If  the  writer  had  simply 
raised  the  drawbridge  directly  they 
were  in  sight  or  challenged  them  and 
told  them  that  they  couldn't  come  any 
further,  we  should  have  said  nothing, 
But  this  is  treachery. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. -OCTOBE*  25.  1911. 


THE   HEIR  PRESUMPTIVE. 

SCENE. — An  Historic  Costume  Ball. 

MR.  BALFOUR  (as   Charlfs  II.,  to  Mr.  Austen  Chamberlain  as  James,  Duke  of  York).  "WHAT    WAS 
I    SAID    TO    YOU    SOME    TWO    OR    THREE    CENTURIES    AGO:     -THEY'LL  NEVER  KILL  ME 
TO    MAKE    YOU    KING'?      STRANGE    HOW    THE    WORDS    COME    BACK    TO    ME." 


OCTOBER  25,  1911.]  PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


2'Jl 


Jfacpherson  (tibout  to  drive  at  the  eiglUeentli  tee,  and  breaking  the  silence  which  lias  been  maintained  since  the  start).   "  DOR-R-E-M v." 
Macphail.  ' '  CHATTEB-R-R-BOX  I  " 


THE    GEORGE    EDWAEDES 
BANQUET. 

PORTENTOUS  PREPARATIONS. 

A  FEW  further  particulars  of  the 
dinner  to  Mr.  GEORGE  EDWARDES 
which  is  being  arranged  for  next  month 
in  honour  of  his  completion  of  twenty- 
five  years'  management  of  the  Gaiety 
Theatre  have  reached  us.  We  can  now 
definitely  assert  that  the  chair  will  not 
be  taken  by  Mr.  JAY  GOULD,  as  was  at 
one  time  feared.  Who  was  to  be  chair- 
man was  naturally  a  question  of  the 
gravest  importance,  and  Lord  LANS- 
DOWNE,  as  the  head  of  the  majority  of 
the  House  of  Lords  (for  which  Mr. 
EDWARDES  has  done  so  much)  was 
naturally  first  invited.  Circumstances 
preventing  Lord  LANSDOWNE,  the  in- 
vitation was  passed  on  to  Lord  BOSE- 
BERY,  who  is,  it  was  felt,  the  one  peer 
with  enough  eloquence  to  do  justice 
to  the  great  merits  of  the  genial 
entrepreneur.  Lord  EOSEBERY  also 
failing,  Sir  HERBERT  BEERBOHM  TREE 
has  consented  to  officiate  and  say  pretty 
things  about  the  sacred  lamp  and  all 
the  rest  of  it. 

The  other  tables  will  be  presided 
over  by  Lord  ESHER,  Here  LEHAR, 
Herr  OSCAR  STRAUSS,  Mr.  LIONEL 
MONCKTON,  Mr.  J.  L.  TANNER,  Mr. 
ADRIAN  Boss,  and  Mr.  EDMUND  PAYNE, 
who  has  undertaken  to  keep  his  "  in 


a  roar."  Among  the  old  allies  of  Mr. 
EDWARDES  who  have  already  promised 
to  attend  we  may  mention  the  Duchess 
of  Southease.formerlyMissEubyTvvist ; 
the  Countess  of  Strewth,  formerly  Miss 
Lucie  Eogue ;  the  Marchioness  of 
Findon,  formerly  Miss  Gladys  Hopp ; 
and  Lady  Bridgeparty,  formerly  Miss 
Zena  Wunce.  It  is  also  hoped  to 
obtain  acceptances  from  such  old 
Gaiety  favourites— familiar  among  the 
Chorus  to  all  who  rented  pews  in  the 
'nineties,  even  if  their  voices  were 
never  heard  except  more  or  less  in 
unison — as  Miss  Lardy  do  Mar,  now 
the  Hon.  Mrs.  Burtty;  Miss  Carrie 
Quince,  now  Lady  Stowett ;  Miss 
Alumette  Bryant,  now  Mrs.  John  W. 
Eosenheimer,  of  New  York ;  and  Miss 
Rosie  Cheeke,  now  Mrs.  Cyrus  K. 
Poodler,  of  Chicago. 

To  every  guest  a  souvenir  will  be 
given  in  the  shape  of  a  miniature  silver 
statuette  of  Miss  GERTIE  MILLAR. 

Lord  LONSDALE,  it  is  believed,  will 
read  a  message  in  Portuguese  from 
KINO  MANOEL,  and  the  Marquis  DE 
SOVERAL  will  recite  a  comic  sonnet, 
of  his  own  composition,  in  which 
Mr.  EDWARDES  is  compared  to  PRINCE 
HENRY  the  Navigator. 

Various  addresses,  we  understand, 
will  be  presented  to  the  hero  of  the 
evening.  Amongst  these  special  in- 
;erest  attaches  to  that  of  the  White 


Eose  Society,  in  which  stress  is  laid  on 
the  fact  that  Mr.  GEOROE  EDWARDES 
is  the  greatest  peeress-maker  since 
CHARLES  II. 

The  Amalgamated  Society  of  Minor 
Poets  have  prepared  an  Ode  of  Gratitude 
to  Mr.  EDWARDES,  composed  by  sixteen 
writers,  and  emphasizing  the  services 
he  has  rendered  to  their  cause  by  the 
practice  of  encouraging  literary  co- 
partnership. 

Another  gratifying  tribute  will  be  the 
address  presented  by  a  deputation  from 
Brighton,  headed  by  the  MAYOR  and 
Corporation,  expressing  their  indebted- 
ness to  Mr.  EDWARDES  for  encouraging 
his  companies  to  recruit  their  energies 
at  that  favourite  resort,  and  thus 
assisting  to  revive  the  splendours  of 
the  Regency  epoch. 

In  addition  to  leading  lights  of  the 
stage,  all  the  jockeys  who  have  carried 
Mr.  EDWARDES'  colours  to  the  winning- 
post  will  be  present,  a  saddle  of  mutton 
having  been  ordered  for  each. 

Members  of  the  Press  will  be  invited, 
with  the  exception  of  the  representative 
of  The  Westminster  Gazette. 


"Played  at  Gloucester  to-day,  the  tnim  not 
having  previously  met  for  29  yean.  There 
were  several  changes  on  both  «i<l  *." 

i'ortskire  Pal. 


Grandfather  was  very   sorry, 
simply  couldn't  turn  out. 


but  ho 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIAIUVAKI. 


[OCTOBER  25,  1911. 


BLANCHE'S   LETTERS, 

SOME   AUTUMN   TOPICS. 

Park 

DEAUEST  DAPHNE, — There  'a  quite  a 
little  rage  this  autumn  for  needlework 


a  secret  that  his  country  was  going  to ,  means  to  set  to  work  looking  out  old 
war.  Of  course  I  told  everybody,  so ;  diaries  and  letters,  and  getting  her 
no  one  was  surprised  when  it  happened. :  Memoirs  under  way.  The  people  who 
Stella  Clackmannan,  next  to  your  don't  care  say  Do!  And  the  pr..j>!(! 
own  Blanche,  has  made  the  greatest  who  do  care  say  Don't  .'  Upon  which 
with  the  cult  of  the  needle. ;  the  Dowager  tolls  these  latter :  "Well, 


,  and  it  's  not  incorrect  j  I  must  own  the  dear  thing  looks  simply   you  must  make  it  worth  my  while  to 

'" 


to  mention  home  now  and  then.  Some- 
one that  you  know  has  re-discovered 
the  needle  as  a  feminine  weapon  with 
immense  possibilities,  and  totitcs  cellcs- 
lu  have  followed  suit.  It 's  usual  now 
at  calling  time  to  be  found  with  a  bit  of 
stitchery  in  your  hands,  the  plainer  the 
better, — the  harmless,  necessary  hem- 
ming is  as  piquant  as  anything.  In  a 
tete-a-tete  (and  here  the  real  value  of  the 
revival  comes  in)  with  anyone  you  're 
particularly  interested  in,  ray  dear,  a  bit 
of  needlework,  pro- 
perly exploited,  is 
simply  enormously 
effective  and  appeal- 
ing. For  drawing 
out  his  mind  and 
winning  his  confid- 
ence, a  needle  in 
the  hand  is  worth 
two  cigarettes  in  the 
mouth ! 

"Olga,"  who  is  al- 
ways there  or  there- 
abouts,  is   showing 
the  sweetest   little 
afternoon  sewing- 
frocks.    She  has  just 
made  some  for  me, 
of   which   the  most 
convincing,  perhaps, 
is  a  dove-grey  satiu- 
cashmere ;   domestic 
happiness    is    in- 
dicated   by     the 
straight,    simple 
draping     and     the 
small  embroidered  satchel  for  needles  | 
and    cottons    hanging   to    the    girdle,  \ 
while    elusive     touches     of     crimson- ! 
and -gold    passementerie    hint   at   the 
fireside,    and    the   sincere    yet     subtle 
arrangement  of  the  corsage-folds  means, 
/  am  a  ivoman  in  whom  you  may  safely 
confide. 

Wear  one  of  these  little  frocks,  have 
your  hair  done  meekly,  bend  pensively 
over  your  work  (it  doesn't  matter  in 
the  least  whether  you  can  work  or  not), 
speak  rather  slowly,  in  the  new,  soft, 
needlework-voice,  and  the,  chances  Tare 
that,  whoever  and  whatever  he  is,  he 
will  deliver  himself  a  captive  into  your 
hands !  It 's  usual  to  frame  the  little 
bit  of  work  one  was  doing  when  some 
particularly  momentous  confidence  was 
given.  For  instance,  I  've  framed  the 
bit  of  hemming  I  was  engaged  on  when 
Giovanni  Allegretto,  of  the  Italian 
Staff,  a  nice  boy  whose  mind  I  've 
been  forming  lately,  confided  to  me  as 


lot  of  hagglin 


they 
on  for 

gently   bent,   as   she    looks    demurely  another  year  or  so,  when  it 's  da  capo 
fearful    stitches,   with  the  whole  performance.     And  so 
it   conies  to   pass   that   the    Dowager 

has  committed  some   Necdmore   lives    by    not    writing    her 
Memoirs !  . 

The  new  toque  is  distinctly  sweet. 
It 's  of  fur,  with  a  little  pocket-nest  on 
the  top  to  hold  a  weeny  doggie.     You 
("with  wondrous  art"  is  quite  lovely,  j  slip  the  little  thingy-thing  in,  and  its 


too  sweet  for  words  with  her  sewing- ;  don't."      After  a 

frock  on,  her  hair  parted,  and  her  neck  :  come  to  terms,    and   she  goes 

gently   bent,   as   she 

down   at   her    great, 

Ray  Rymington,  who  's  been  devoted  j 

to  her  for  ages,  has  committed  sc 

verses  that  begin  like  this  : — • 

Lady  of  Mine,  Lady  of  Mine, 

Meekly  stitching,  with  wondrous  art 


considering  how  she  works  !), 


little  heady-head,  looking  about,  forms 
— ,  the  trimming.    Pom- 
i  pom  being  black,  I 
;  wear  him  in  a  chin- 
•  c h i  1 1  a    or  ermine 
I  toque  ;    Beryl  wears 
her    Peky  -  Peky   in 
a  dark  sable  one. 
Ever  thine, 
BLANCHE. 


THE    SHOW 
PLACE. 

"  You  do  really 
want  to  see  the 
I  house,  honestly  !•  " 
asked  the  guide. 
The  anxiety  in  his 
tone  showed  me  that 
my  role  of  sight-seer 
must  have  been  suf- 
fered to  lapse  some- 
what.  I  hastened 
to  make  amends. 
"  Of  course, '  I  said  ; 
"  I  was  only  wonder- 
That  needle  of  Thine,  that  needle  of  Thine  ling  whether  we  Oughtn't  to  wait  till 

Ts  T,nvp's  n\vii  rlnrh  ii m  _: -,4-1 


Mrs.  Jfiygiia  (u-ititessiiu/  performance  of  "Hamlet").   "WELL,  I  CAM.  THIS  A  KAIK  i">. 
THESE  'EHE  JOKES  AKE  STALE.     I  'BAKU  'EM  TWENTY  YEAU  AGO  IN  THIS  SAME  PLAY!" 


Is  Love's  own  dart, 
Piercing  my  heart, 
Lady  of  Mine,  Lady  of  Mine.    • 

It 's  to  be  published  this  autumn  in 
his  new  collection  of  poems,  Heart 
Spasms. 

Talking  of  publishing,  ma  cherie,  we 
often  hear  of  people  who  live  by  writing, 
but  did  you  ever  hear  of  anyone  living 
by  not  writing?  That  is  how  the 
Dowager  Lady  Needmore  lives.  She 


j  there  was  a  sufficient  party,  or  anything 
like  that." 

Ho  considered  me,  in  the  reflective 
way  that  guides  have,  when  they 
happen  to  be  rather  less  than  six  years 
old.  "  You  do  say  funny  things,  don't 
you?"  he  observed;  "I  laugh  ever  so, 
sometimes." 

Then  we  proceeded.  The  mansion, 
over  which  I  was  to  be  conducted, 
occupied  a  commanding  situation  on 


knows  all  about  everyone,  is  very  poor,  jone  corner  of  the  nursery  table — what 
very  clever,  very  malicious,  and  has  a  j  auctioneers  would  call  a  well-built 
fearful  memory,  by  which  I  don't  mean  '  family  residence,  brick  faced,  standing 
that  sha  forgets  things  but  that  she  |  in  its  own  grounds  of  bright  green, 
remembers  'em.  When  she  finds  her-  which  must  have  extended  fully  two 
self  very  stony,  she  gives  out  that  the  inches  beyond  the  walls  on  every  side, 
publishers  have  made  her  a  big  offer  |  "  By  Jove  !  "  I  exclaimed  rapturously 
for  her  Memoirs,  if  she  '11  call  every- 1  as  we  came  in  sight  of  it.  "  That 's — 
body  by  their  right  names,  "extenuating  j  that 's  something  like  a  house,  isn't 
nothing  and  setting  down  everything  in  !  it  ?  "  It  was  ;  it  was  also  much  more 
malice,"  as  Hamlet  says.  She  says  I  like  a  large  box.  Considering,  however, 
that  she  can't  afford  to  refuse,  and  i  that  this  was  not  my  first  view  of  the 


"" :"  -''•  ''•"'•' PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


2D3 


-I.  A.   "THEY  SAY  YOUR  NED'S  WANTED  BY  THE  POLICE. 


Mrs.  B.  "WELL,  THERE'S  NO  ACCOUXTIN'  roa 


property  (I  had,  indeed,  in  my  capa 
city  of  honorary  uncle,  arranged  the 
present  lease,  through  the  agency  of 
the  Army  and  Navy  Stores,  only  last 
birthday),  I  Hatter  myself  that  the  sur- 
prise and  enthusiasm  were  fairly  credit- 
able. Peter,  at  least,  seemed  satisfied. 

"There!"  he  said.  "Now  we  go 
nside."  As  a  matter  of  fact  it  was 
less  our  going  in  than  the  house 
joming  out,  by  means  of  a  detachable 
:ront  arrangement  that  permitted  us  a 
generous  and  comprehensive  view  of 
;he  interior.  The  guide— or  Peter,  as 
you  like — was  watching  me  closely  for 
appreciation. 

"  They  won't  mind  us  ?  "  I  whispered, 
ndicating  the  Family,  who  were  ob- 
viously in  residence  at  the  moment; 
;he   noble  owner  in   the  dining-room 
stretched,  I  regret  to  add,  under  the 
dining-room   table) ;    his  lady   in    the 
•alon    above    stairs ;     the   infant   heir 
injoying  a  bath,  to  which  he  appeared 
permanently  attached,  in  the  bedroom  ; 
and  a  very  large  domestic  (who  pre- 
sumably   slept    out)    dominating    the 
dtchen.     They  seemed    an  unsociable 
ot.     "  What  I  mean  is,"  I  added,  "  it 
must     be    such    a    nuisance     having 


tourists  going  all  over  one's  place  when 
one  's  there  oneself." 

"  They  won't  mind,"  said  Peter ; 
which,  to  do  them  justice,  they  didn't 
appear  to ;  their  high-bred  indifference 
to  our  proceedings  could  hardly  have 
been  surpassed  in  the  most  aristocratic 
circles.  Peter  restored  the  master  of 
the  establishment  (who  was  dressed  in 
a  sailor  suit  and  looked  young  for  his 
responsibilities)  to  an  upright  position. 
"  He  's  got  'digestion,"  he  explained 
charitably,  "  like  you." 

"  I  can  well  believe  it,"  I  said  with 
an  involuntary  shudder.  I  was  looking 
at  the  kitchen,  on  the  table  of  which 
stood  a  made-dish  of  repellent  aspect 
and  at  least  twice  the  size  of  the 
unhappy  sufferer.  Something  else  in 
the  kitchen  also  struck  me.  I  sniffed 
once  or  twice ;  in  a  more  complex 
establishment  one  would  have  said  that 
the  drains  wanted  looking  to.  Peter 
explained.  "  It  used  to  be  such  a  dear 
little  crab  when  it  ran  about  on  the 
sands,"  he  said  reminiscently,  "  and  I 
brought  it  home  all  the  way  in  the  train 
in  my  pocket,  and  now  it  isn't  well." 

Peter  has  (I  think)  the  softest  and 
most  wonderful  eyes  in  the  world. 


They  were  regarding  me  now  so  wist- 
fully that  I  hastened  to  replace  my 
handkerchief  with  what  was  almost  an 
air  of  guilt.  Not  for  so  small  a  matter 
must  the  popularity  of  an  uncle  be 
jeopardised  ;  and  somebody  in  authority 
was  bound  to  find  out  about  it  before 
long  anyhow. 

"  But  it  is  a  nice  house,  isn't  it  ?  " 
demanded  Peter,  suddenly  forgetting 
(to  my  relief)  the  deceased  crustacean 
and  clasping  one  of  my  hands  in  the 
estatic  manner  peculiar  to  him  at 
emotional  moments. 

"  It  'a  perfect,"  I  said,  and  meant  it. 

'  One  doesn't  know  which  is  the  nicest, 

the  kitchen,  or  the  dining-room,  or  the 

drawing-room,  or  the  bedroom.  Which 

do  you  like  best  ?  " 

Peter  considered.  "  I  know  which 
they  like  best,"  he  said  decisively, 
indicating  sailor-suit  and  his  spouse. 

"  Which  ?"  I  asked. 

"The  nursery,"  he  answered  with 
entire  confidence.  He  was  already 
arranging  thecouple,  still  to  all  outward 
appearance  apathetic,  about  tho  tin 
sath.  "They  must  do,"  lin  explained, 
'cos  their  little  boy  lives  tl.cr.v' 

I  apologised. 


294 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  25,  1911. 


THE  DIARY  OF  A  CINEMA 
ACTOR. 

Sunday.  I  had  hoped  to  stick  to  the 
•'  legitimate  "  all  my  life,  but  now  that ! 
that  has  failed  me  there  seems  to  be1 
only  one  thing  left  for  me  to  do,  for 
I  have  always  been  told  that  I  have 
not  enough  personality  for  the  halls. 
To-morrow  I  start  my  engagement 
with  the  Grand  Auto-Bio-Cinemato- 
graph Company.  It  is  not  quite  what 
I  looked  forward  to  when  I  first  went 
on  the  boards,  but  one  must  earn  an 
honest  penny  somehow.  To-morrow 
we  do  "  When  Father  Paid  the  Bent." 
Action,  of  course,  is  what  is  wanted  in 
a  Cinema  play,  and  there  should  be 
plenty  of  action  in  this. 

Monday.  A  terrible  day.  I  must 
really  go  into  training. 

I  called  at  Mr.  Brown's  house  for 
the  rent  at  ten  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing. Mr.  Brown,  who  has  a  keen  sense 
of  humour,  had  tied  a  string  across  the 
bottom  of  the  door,  and  I  came  in 
quickly  (the  essence  of  the  Cinema 
drama  is  quick  movement)  without 
noticing  it — until,  that  is  to  say,  it 
forced  itself  on  my  attention.  Then  I 
picked  myself  up  and  turned  back  to 
the  door  in  surprise,  Jane  seizing  that 
moment  to  come  in  with  the  breakfast 
things.  (Very  late  the  Browns  break- 
fast.) Again  I  failed  to  notice  her 
until  it  was  too  late,  and  my  simulation 
of  anger  at  receiving  the  contents  of  the 
coffee-jug  down  my  neck  was  excellent 
— even  without  the  words,  which  in  a 
Cinema  play  are,  of  course,  unnecessary. 
Hearing  the  noise  Mrs.  Brown  came  in 
from  the  kitchen,  where  she  was  making 
the  pastry  (extraordinary  hours  the 
Browns  keep)  and  poured  a  basin  of 
flour  over  me — I  can  only  suppose 
under  the  mistaken  idea  that  flour  re- 
moves coffee-stains. 

My  one  thought  now  was  to  escape, 
for  I  saw  by- this  time  that  the  Browns 
had  no  serious  intention  of  paying  the 
rent.  The  only  available  exit  was  the 
chimney,  one  of  those  large  old- 
fashioned  ones  often  seen  in  country 
houses.  I  accordingly  made  for  it, 
discovered  at  once  that  it  had  not  been 
swept  for  years,  and  had  got  quite  half 
way  up  before  Brown  came  down  from 
the  top  and  met  me.  We  finished  on 
the  hearth-rug  together,  myself  on  the 
underneath  berth.  As  I  rose  to  my 
feet  some  instinct  seemed  to  warn  me 
that  Brown  had  chosen  this  day  for 
having  the  painters  in.  My  instinct 
did  not  play  me  false ;  I  met  them  at 
the  window.  But  it  was  certainly  a 
surprise  to  me  that  he  was  having  his 
house  done  with  blue  paint.  The  taste 
for  blue  paint  is  an  acquired  one  ;  even 
half  the  large  helping  I  had  off  the 


brush  would  have  convinced  me  of 
this. 

I  am  very  tired  to-night  and  can  only 
hope  to-morrow  will  not  be  so  strenuous. 
To-morrow  we  do  "An  Interrupted 
Proposal."  It  sounds  pretty  and  senti- 
mental, but — well,  we  shall  see. 

Tuesday.  I  shall  go  to  bed  early 
to-night— as  soon  as  ever  I  have 
written  up  my  diary. 

Being  told  by  the  maid  that  Miss 
Hilda  Brown  was  at  home,  I  followed 
her  into  the  drawing-room,  taking  my 
silk  hat  with  me  in  case  I  might  be 
wanted  to  sit  down  on  it.  In  a  little 
while  Hilda  and  I  were  seated  side  by 
side  on  the  sofa,  holding  each  other's 
hands  and  gazing  into  each  other's  eyes. 
I  could  have  gone  on  like  this  for  a  long 
time,  but,  as  the  manager  says,  what 
is  wanted  is  action.  Brown  came  in 
furiously  and  stood  over  us,  angrily  wav- 
ing his  arms.  I  implied  with  a  slight 
gesticulation  that  my  intentions  were 
serious,  that  I  had  an  income  of  £500 
a  year,  and  that  Hilda  and  I  loved  one 
another.  Brown  answered  in  dumb 
show  that  he  was  going  out  to  loose 
the  bull-dog.  At  this  Hilda  fainted  on 
my  top-hat,  and  I  hurried  out  after 
Brown  with  the  idea  of  trying  to 
make  the  bull-dog  think  that  we  had 
both  loosed  him,  and  that  the  right 
gentleman  v?as  still  in  the  drawing- 
room.  In-  less  than  a  minute  the 
chase  in  the  garden  had  begun.  In 
my  youth  I  had  been  a  noted  runner, 
and  as  the  bull-dog  was  now  in  his 
prime  the  spectators  were  assured  of  a 
good  race.  At  the  end  of  the  third 
lap  I  was  still  leading,  and  by  just 
enough  to  allow  me  to  jump  at  an 
overhanging  branch  and  swing  myself 
out  of  danger.  For  a  moment  I  feared 
a  protest  from  the  manager  that  the 
new  situation — myself  sitting  on  the 
branch,  the  bull-dog  sitting  below — 
lacked  action,  but  I  soon  saw  that  I 
had  no  reason  for  alarm  on  this  point. 
There  was  an  ominous  snapping  noise 
above  me,  a  still  more  ominous  snap- 
ping noise  below  me,  and  then  we  were 
all  on  the  ground  together.  In  the 
dramatic  scene  which  ensued  my 
representation  of  The  Dying  Lion-tamer 
was,  the  manager  tells  me,  remarkable. 
Fortunately  at  the  moment  when  I 
seemed  to  him  to  be  overdoing  the 
part  the  camera  stopped  clicking. 

To-morrow  we  do  a  moving  drama, 
entitled, "  Love  Laughs  at  Locksmiths." 
I  am  getting  a  little  nervous  now  about 
anything  connected  with  love ;  still 
more  about  anything  connected  with 
laughs.  But  I  hope  for  the  best. 

Wednesday.  The  drama  was  differ- 
ent from  what  I  expected.  My  own 
part  in  it  was  small;  I  had  to  under- 
study the  heroine  in  the  scene  where 


she  falls  into  the  lake  and  the  hero 
rescues  her.  For  some  reason  the 
heroine  didn't  think  she  could  make 
this  "  go  "  properly.  Dressed  in  a  coat 
and  skirt  similar  to  the  one  she  had 
been  wearing  throughout  the  play,  and 
with  my  face  hidden  by  a  thick  veil, 
I  fell  into  the  part  at  once ;  but 
the  hero's  idea  of  towing  me  out 
again  was  immature  to  a  degree. 
He  is  the  worst  rescuer  I  have  ever 
met.  As  we  came  up  for  the  third 
time,  I  said,  "Unless  you  do  some- 
thing quickly,  I  shall  have  to  tow  you 
out.  It  isn't  even  as  if  the  water  were 
filtered."  Thus  spurred  on,  he  man- 
aged to  pull  me  to  shore  safely. 

The  manager  says  he  will  write  and 
let  me  know  when  he  wants  me  again, 
but,  anyhow,  it  won't  be  to-morrow. 
So  I  have  one  day  off. 

Thursday.  Spent  the  morning  in 
bed,  and  in  the  afternoon  wandered 
into  a  picture  palace  and  saw  some 
cinema  photographs  of  growing  flowers. 
Delightful.  I  spoke  to  the  manager  of 
this  palace  afterwards  and  asked  if  he 
could  give  me  a  job.  I  fancy  myself 
particularly  as  a  growing  lily,  though  I 
daresay  I  should  get  a  good  "house" 
as  a  crocus  unfolding  or  a  laburnum 
tree  bursting  into  bud.  The  truth  is  I 
am  really  too  old  for  my  other  work,  and 
since  Fate  has  turned  me  into  a  cinema 
actor  I  ought  to  be  looking  about  for 
something  quiet ;  this  flower  business 
would  just  suit  me.  The  manager, 
however,  was  rather  curt  about  it. 
Returned  home  a  little  disappointed 
and  went  to  bed. 

Friday.  Got  up  to  find  a  letter  from 
my  own  manager  asking  me  to  come 
round  at  once  and  play  an  important 
part  in  the  new  sensational  melodrama 
"Gored  by  Wild  Bisons."  It's  very 
nice  of  him,  but  I  can't  quite  bring 
myself  to  take  advantage  of  his  kind- 
ness. Of  course  I  might  be  the 
Wild  Bison  and  do  the  goring,  but  I 
think  it  is  more  likely  that  I  should  be 
the  gentleman  who  has  the  goring  done 
to  him.  Telegraphed  my  refusal,  there- 
fore, and  returned  to  bed. 

Saturday.  Permanently  in  bed. 

A.  A.  M. 


Morality  and  the   Stage. 
Complaint   is   made   by  a  dramatic 
critic  that  there  is  no  rake  on  the  stage 
at  Covent  Garden.     Why  doesn't   he 
try  the  other  side  of  the  river  '? 


"We  are  pleased  to  think  that  Lady  Mac- 
beth  in   a  different  environment   might  have 
been  a  great  saint  instead  of  a  great  singer." 
Bradford  Daily  Tcleijrn/'/i. 

We  prefer  the  Lady  Macbeth  of  "  Oh, 
dry  those  tears !  "  and  "  The  Garden 
of  Sleep." 


-,,  i'JH.]__ PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


"Al!E  T1IEUE  DUAUONN,    MoTIIEIl?" 


''Oil,    NO,    DEAR." 


•WHY  NOT'" 


THE    INDOMITABLES. 

A  melancholy  exercise  in  the  manner  of 
tlie  admirable  and  persevering  "Truth." 
I  TAKE  this  opportunity  of  warning 
my  readers  against  Mr.  Lazarus  Moss, 
of  493,  Jermyn  Street  Chambers,  who 
is  ostensibly  a  reasonable  lender  of 
money  to  young  gentlemen  in  monetary 
difficulties,  but  is  really  a  blood-sucking 
spider  into  whose  toils  it  is  dangerous 
to  be  drawn.  Mr.  Moss  is,  I  need  hardly 
say,  the  most  philanthropic  of  men,  and 
is  prepared  to  advance  sums  up  to  any 
amount  on  note  of  hand  only.  Having 
my  suspicions  aroused,  -I  have  been  to 
the  congenial  trouble  of  inquiring  into 
Lazarus's  past,  and  I  find  that  he  is 
none  other  than  our  old  friend,  Samuel 
Harris,  who  was,  if  you  remember, 
unmasked  in  the  issue  of  this  paper  for 
March  8, 1878,  and  was  there  shown  to 
be  a  recrudescence  of  the  notorious 
Haman  Levi,  whose  ingenious  practices 
for  fleecing  young  aristocrats  were  de- 
tailed in  our  issue  of  September  4, 1872. 
This  man's  real  name  is  Henry  Biggs, 
who,  for  some  years  before  he  took 
to  money-lending,  was  the  champion 
begging-letter  writer  of  the  Midlands. — 
February  9,.  1884. 


The  h!oo:l-sucking  scoundrel,  Lazarus 
Moss,  of  whom  I  had  something  to  say 
in  the  issue  of  February  9,  1884,  is  still 
at  his  old  game,  and  the  gilt-edged 
youth  who  wish  to  raise  the  needful 
quickly  at  several  hundred  per  cent, 
have  no  occasion  to  go  further  afield 
than  40A,  Curzon  Street  Mansions, 
where  he  sits  in  a  handsome  office 
dictating  letters  on  note-paper  an- 
nouncing that  he  has  no  connection 
with  any  firm  of  the  same  name.  Let 
no  one,  however,  be  deceived,  for  this 
Lazarus  Moss  is  the  identical  Lazarus 
Moss  (whose  real  name  is  Biggs),  against 
whom  I  have  already  frequently  warned 
my  readers. — June  10,  1887. 

A  correspondent  writes  to  me  com- 
plaining of  the  money-lending  circulars 
which  he  has  received  from  many 
firms,  the  chief  offenders  being  Messrs. 
Chetwynd  and  Co. ,  189,  Piccadilly  Court. 
He  asks  me  what  he  should  do.  There 
are  only  threa  things  to  do.  One  is  to 
ask  for  an  injunction  against  Chetwynd 
and  Co.  to  restrain  them  from  pestering 
you  ;  which  would  be  a  very  expensive 
luxury.  Another  is  to  return  the  letter 
in  an  envelope  without  a  stamp ;  and 
the  third  is  to  tear  it  up  and  forget  it. 
A  few  inquiries  which  I  have  caused  to 


be  made  have  established  the  fact  that 
Chetwynd  and  Co.  are  no  other  than 
the  irrepressible  Lazarus  Moss,  alias 
Haman  Levi,  alias  Samuel  Han-is 
(who  was  once  Biggs,  the  begging- 
letter  writer  of  Edgbaston),  against 
whom  I  have  already  done  my  best  to 
warn  readers. — October  23,  1891. 

Once  again  it  is  my  duty  to  call 
attention  to  the  case  of  those  usurious 
Shylocks,  Chetwynd  and  Co.  (alins 
Lazarus  Moss,  alias  Haman  Levi,  alias 
Samuel  Harris),  whom  I  last  pilloried 
in  the  number  for  October  23,  1891. 
In  spite  of  all  I  said  then  and  formerly, 
they  continued  their  malpractices  and 
are  now  as  flourishing  as  ever;  but  a 
recent  transaction,  of  which  I  have  all 
the  facts,  should  l:e  their  last.  Suffice 
it  to  say  that  they  have  been  dealing 
upon  incredible  terms  with  a  minor 
who  has,  for  them,  the  unfortunate 
merit  of  being  nearly  related  to  a  Judge. 
What  the  sequel  will  be  time  alone 
can  show ;  but  I  feel  fairly  confident 
that  Chetwynd  and  Co.,  under  what- 
ever name  they  may  assume,  will  have 
to  choose  either  another  line  of  business 
or  another  country  to  pursue  it  in. — 
December  8, 1895. 

In  our  issue  for  December  8,  1895, 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBEB   25,    1911. 


L 


WE  UNDERSTAND  THAT  THE    LATEST   SCHEME'oF  THE  WAR    OFFICE    FOR    THE    DEFENCE    OF    THE    COUNTRY    IS    THE    FORMATION    OF    A 

"VETERAN  KESEKVE"    COMPOSED  OF  ALL   WHO   HAVE   AT   ANY   TIME  BEEN  CONNECTED  WITH  THE  REGULAR  ou  AUXILIARY  FORCES. 

OCR    SPECIAL    ARTIST,    GLANCINO     INTO    THE    FUTURE,     SENDS    A    PICTURE     OF     ONE    OF    THESE     PATRIOTS,     WHO,     ON    THE    ORDER    FOR 
MOBILISATION,    UNDETERRED  EVEN   BY  AN   ATTACK  OF  GOUT,    IS  SEEN  SUPERINTENDING   THE  TRANSPORT   OF   A   FEW  SIMPLE   NECESSITIES. 


I  drew  attention  to  a  singularly 
audacious  financial  transaction  on  the 
part  of  a  firm  of  money-lenders  calling 
themselves  Chetwynd  and  Co.,  whom 
I  had  proved  to  be  no  other  than 
Lazarus  Moss,  Samuel  Harris,  and 
Hainan  Levi,  all  previously  attacked  in 
this  paper,  and  all  pseudonyms  of  the 
infamous  Biggs.  Nemesis,  I  thought 
then,  had  a  rod  in  pickle ;  but  I  seem 
to  have  been  mistaken,  for  I  have  dis- 
covered that  Mr.  Vandyck  Stunner,  of 
241,  Duke  Street,  St.  James's,  who  is 
so  freely  papering  London  and  the 
provinces  with  his  offers  for  instant 
accommodation  on  the  easiest  tsrms, 
comprises  in  himself  all  these  old 
friends  of  ours.  Well,  I  can  do  no 
more  than  issue  my  warning,  and  once 
again  I  caution  my  readers  against 
having  any  dealings  with  this  audacious 
swindler,  who  would  extract  blood  from 
a  stone  with  more  ease  and  success 
than  any  apparatus  ever  invented  by 
Mr.  EDISON.— January  14,  1901. 

A  correspondent  in  Eugby  has  sent 
me  an  account  of  his  son's  dealings 
with  a  London  money-lender  that  are 


so  extraordinary  in  character  as  to 
cause  even  me — accustomed  as  I  ana 
to  revelations  of  this  kind — to  blush  for 
my  fellow-creatures.  It  appears  that 
the  young  man,  as  young  men  will, 
became  involved  and  had  recourse  to 
a  financier  whose  circulars  he  had  often 
received,  a  certain  Marcus  Swithin,  of 
301,  Sackville  Street  Chambers,  who 
turns  out  to  be  none  other  than  the 
usurer  whom  from  time  to  time  I  have 
exposed  in  this  papsr  under  various 
aliases,  the  last  of  which  was  Vandyck 
Sturmer.  The  rate  of  interest  de- 
manded was  no  less  than  400  per  cent., 
of  which  a  large  portion  has  been  paid. 
I  have  strongly  advised  the  boy's  father 
to  see  that  no  more  is  paid,  and  to  call 
in  the  aid  of  the  law  to  insist  upon  the 
refunding  of  what  has  already  passed 
into  Swithin's  hands.— April  20,  1908. 
P.S. 

From  The  Christian  Commonwealth, 
November  8,  1911  :— 

BIGGS.— On  the  5th,  at  204,  Hamilton 
Terrace,  N.W.,  Henry  Biggs,  in  his 
89th  year.  Dearly  beloved  and  much 
respected.  No  flowers,  by  request. 


Another  Feat  of  Endurance. 
"A.  C.  Lee  twice  accomplished  the  fourteenth 
hole  (measuring  294  yds.)  of  the  West   Essex 
Golf  Course,  last  Saturday." — Pekin'j  Tiiiw. 

And  got  the  ball  right  into  the  little 
tin  at  the  end  ?  No !  However  long 
did  it  take  him  ? 


"A  marriage  prohibition  decree  has  been 
announced  at  Samoa,  writes  the  British  Yice- 
Consul,  forbidding  unions  between  whites  and 
natives,  whites  and  half-caste  class -natives, 
whites  and  half-caste  classed  as  natives,  half- 
castes  and  half-castes  classed  as  natives,  and 
between  half-castes  and  natives." 

Bloemfontein  Post. 

We  have  repeated  this   correctly   and 
demand  the  bag  of  nuts. 


"After  a  minute  or  two  United's  goal  was  a 
sort  of  Ladysnrith,  and  it  was  all  hands  to  the 
pump  for  United." — Sheffield  Xpor/.s  ,>>>•<•/«/. 

"  How  we  kept  the  powder  dry  at 
Ladysmith." 

"White  flannel  pyjamas.  Ceiitlenianly 
stripes." — Advt.  in  " Daily  Midi." 

Pyjamas  with  really  gentlemanly 
stripes  generally  speak  of  themselves 
as  "  Blumberwear."  It  is  more  genteel. 


PUNCH.   OR   THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.-Orrn....  2.5.  19H. 


.. 


bTHE    HEATHEN   CHINEE   IS   PECULIAR." 

ITALIAN  OFFICER  (reading  news  from  China).  "  A  WAK  WITH    A  BATTLE  1     THAT    LOOKS    LIKE 

BAD    MANAGEMENT." 


().!TOBRB25.  mi.]  PUNCH.   OR  THE   LONDON    (  ]  |  A  I JIVAIIL 


IF  CHINA   WERE   AMERICANISED. 

"The  idea  is  to  model  China  on  the  plan  of  the  United  States.  ...     If  the  revolution  succeeds  the  world  will  be  astounded  at  the 
volutiouarics  genius  lor  organisation."—  An  interview  in  "  Tim  Morning  Post." 


A    QUESTION    OF  VALUE. 

[It  is  declared  in  some  quarters  that  30  yeai-s  or  more  must  elapse 
before  the  great  Land  Valuation  can  be  completed.] 

I  OWN  a  plot  (or  hereditament), 

Fenced  in  by  battered  rails  and  rusty  wire, 

Some  rods  (or  poles  or  perches)  in  extent, 
In  summer  mostly  dust,  in  winter  mire ; 
This  I  let  out  on  hire, 

And  therein  parsnips  lie  in  ill-made  beds 

And  sundry  cabbages  uprear  their  heads. 

Not  to  be  coveted,  my  little  plot. 

No  Eligible  Building  Site,  alas  ! 
In  fact,  the  man  who  'd  hit  on  such  a  spot 

To  build  a  house  would  be  a  silly  ass. 

But  let  such  trifles  pass  ; 
It 's  mine  entirely,  if  it  is  absurd, 
This  hereditament  (I  love  that  word  !). 

And  this  announcement  (see  above  my  mem.) 
Fills  me  with  pain  and  disappointment,  too  ; 

When  will  they  value  my  Estate  (ahem  !) 
If  this  is  how  they  mean  to  muddle  through  ? 
No,  it  will  never  do ! 

In  thirty  years  I  may  be  dead  and  gone ; 

I  'm' youngish  yet,  but  still  I  'm  getting  on. 


I  want  to  see  how  well  my  name  will  look 

When  written  large  (it  would,  of  course,  be  big) 

In  that,  the  second,  greater  Domesday  Book, 
With,  it  may  be,  a  Diagram  or  Fig. ; 
If  I  should  fail  to  dig 

(Through  early  death,  we  '11  say)  a  road  to  fame, 

I  want  at  least  to  leave  behind  a  Name. 

And  if  I  live  I  want  tilings  managed  so 

That  men  years  hence  may  have  the  chance  to  bring 
Their  homage  to  the  proper  place,  and  know 

The  spot  from  which  their  Monument  should  spring; 

I  seem  to  see  the  thing, 
A  graceful  column,  carved  about  the  base — 
"  The  Poet,  J.  J.  Jones,  once  owned  this  place." 

And  more,  I  yearn,  I  really  yearn,  to  see 

With  how  much  justice  Valuers  hold  the  scales ; 

What  worth,  in  their  opinion,  there  may  be 
In  these  few  yards  of  dirt  and  shattered  rails, 
A  holding  which  entails 

Upon  its  owner  (as  I  've  said,  it  'a  mine) 

An  average  annual  loss  of  3s.  9rf. 


Perils  of  the  Back-to-the-Land  Policy. 
"It  has  been  Found  in  Warwickshire  tli.it  the  development  of  allot  mint 
gardening  u  seriously  affecting  the  at  tendance  at  footlwll  match**." 

Daily  Exprta. 


300 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [OCTOBER  25,  1911. 


LORD    HARTINGTON. 

(REMINISCENCE  EXTRACTED   KltOM  TUB 

DIARY  OK  TOBY,  M.P.) 
MR.  BERNARD  HOLLAND  properly 
gives  to  his  monumental  work  pub- 
lished by  LONGMANS  the  title  "  Life  of 
the  Duke  of  Devonshire."  It  was, 
however,  as  Lord  HARTINGTON  that 
one  of  the  chief  pillars  of  the  State 
during  the  latter  half  of  QUEEN 
VICTORIA'S  reign  was  known  to  the 
people,  a  title  that  comes  more  readily 
to  tongue  and  pen.  Mr.  HOLLAND 
brought  to  the  accomplishment  of  his 
task  a  personal  knowledge  of  its 
subject,  with  whom  he  was  during  two 
important  years  associated  as  Private 
Secretary.  He  has  made  profound 
study  of  the  historic  times  m  which 
Lord  HARTINGTON  played  a  leading  part. 
The  result  appears  in  the  most  valuable 
addition  to  English  biographical  litera- 
ture made  since  the  appearance  of 
Lord  MOBLEY'S  "  Life  of  Gladstone," 
of  which  it  is  in  large  measure  the 
complement.  On  page  407  of  the  first 
volume  there  is  a  slip  of  pen  or  printer's 
stick  so  obvious  as  to  be  immaterial. 
But  to  old  Parliament  men  it  is  de- 
lightfully incongruous.  It  credits  ' '  Mr. 
CALDWELL"  with  the  system  of  Army 
Eeform  established  between  the  'sixties 
and  the  'eighties  of  last  century.  Of 
course,  for  CALDWELL  we  read  CARD- 
WELL,  and  pass  on. 

Towards  the  close  of  his  life,  when 
he  had  come  into  the  dukedom,  Lord 
HARTINGTON,  taking  the  undergraduates 
at  Cambridge  University  into  his  con- 
fidence, made  a  striking  remark.  "  All 
through  life,"  he  said,  "  I  have  had  to 
work  with  men  who  thought  three 
times  as  quick  as  I  do,  and  I  have 
found  this  a  great  disadvantage."  It 
may  be  true,  but  his  slow  process  of 
thought  invariably  led  him  to  the  right 
conclusion.  Through  a  long  series  of 
crises,  of  common  importance  but  of 
varied  character,  Lord  HAHTINGTON 
without  exception  came  to  what  proved 
to  be  a  sound  conclusion. 

Some  of  the  colleagues  with  whom 
he  worked  were  men  of  brilliant  parts, 
eloquent  in  ordered  speech,  sparkling 
in  conversation,  equally  capable  ol 
moving  the  masses  and  charming  the 
social  circle.  Lacking  possession  o! 
these  gifts,  Lord  HARTINGTON  was  a 
man  of  supremely  sound  judgment,  one 
to  whom  his  audience  closely  listened 
whose  advice  they  pondered  over.  As  a 
public  speaker  he  did  not  create  immedi- 
ate effect.  He  had  not  a  pleasant  voice 
and  scorned  approach  to  elocutionary 
art.  He  belonged  to  the  class  whose 
speeches  are  more  effective  when  reac 
than  when  spoken.  Heading  the  mam 
extracts  Mr.  HOLLAND  gleans  from 


speeches   c'elivered    in   the    House    of 
Commons  (most  of  which  I  heard)  one 

s  struck  by  their  lucidity  and  force. 
These  qualities  shine  throughout  the 

:orrespondence  largely  quoted. 

The  great  perplexity  of  Lord 
HAKTINGTON'S  public  career  was  Mr. 
GLADSTONE.  "  I  can  never  understand 
him  in  conversation"  he  forlornly  wrote 

,o  Lord  GRANVILLE  on  the  eve  of  final 
separation.  AdmiringhisTitanicgenius, 
distrustful  of  his  own  capacity,  he  was 

nstinctively  inclined  to  follow  his  leader, 
and  was  constantly  pulled  up  by  finding 
himself  among  the  breakers.  The  con- 
sequence was  that  he  fell  into  the  habit 
of  what  is  known  in  domestic  service 


LORD  HARTINGTOX. 

"Patiently  trudged  along." 

as  "  giving  notice."  The  letters  written 
to  his  chief,  in  which  he  either  threatens 
resignation  or  tenders  it,  are  models  o 
well-reasoned  perspicacity. 

Lord  HARTINGTON  was  a  Minister  o 
the  Crown  malgrc  lui.    Constitutionally 
indolent,  he  hankered  after  the  leisure 
and  the  pleasures  of  a  country  gentle 
man's  life,  with  Newmarket  thrown  in 
But  the  supremely  dominant  force  with 
him  was  a  sense  of  duty.     As  he  was 
more   than   once   reminded  when   the 
strain   of   Ministerial  life   seemed  too 
heavy  to  bear,  the  CAVENDISHES  have  al 
ways  taken  a  leading  part  in  affairs  o 
State,  and  it  did  not  become  their  lates 
descendant,    heir  to   their   name   anc 
estate,  to  walk  apart.  Lord  HARTINGTOIN 
accordingly  bent  his  sturdy  shoulders  un 
der  the  yoke  and  patiently  trudged  along 
hauling  his  burden  with  a  groaning  o 
the  spirit  hidden  from  the  looker-on 


ut  revealed  in  some  pathetic  passages 
f  his  correspondence  and  conversation. 

His  greatest  sacrifice  was  made  when 
10  reluctantly  undertook  the  thank- 
ess  post  of  Leader  of  a  distraught 
Opposition  left  in  a  hopeless  minority. 
A  condition  of  their  servitude,  more 
trictly  enforced  in  those  old-fashioned 
lays  than  is  now  the  case,  was  that 
he  Leader  on  either  side  of  the  Table 
A'as  expected  to  be  in  constant  attend- 
ince  from  the  time  the  SPEAKER  took 
,he  Chair  till  the  welcome  cry,  "Who 
;oes  home?  "  rang  through  the  Lobby. 
That  was  a  discipline  hateful  to  Lord 
:!ARTINGTON'S  nature.  Like  CHARLES 
IAMB  at  the  India  Office,  he  was 
sorely  tempted  to  make  up  for  arriving 
ate  by  going  away  early.  He  never 
over-mastered  the  passion  for  un- 
junctuality.  It  was  characteristic  of 
lim  that,  when  still  a  young  Member 
ately  appointed  to  the  War  Oftice  and 
laving  in  hand  the  task  of  introducing 
a  departmental  Bill,  he  arrived  so  late 
that,  the  Order  of  the  Day  being  called 
on,  one  of  his  colleagues  was  hurriedly 
Dut  up  to  talk  against  time  till  the 
dallying  Minister  strolled  in. 

Habitually  arriving  late,  he  never 
attempted  to  hide  his  delinquency  by 
"urtive  entry  from  behind  tho  SPEAKER'S 

hair.  With  right  hand  in  his  pocket, 
swinging  his  hat  in  his  left,  he  walked  the 
full  length  of  the  floor,  to  be  seen  of  all 
men.  Once  arrived  and  condemned  to 
a  long,  frequently  a  tedious,  sitting,  he 
remained  at  his  post  with  head  thrown 
back,  hat  tilted  over  his  nose,  both 
hands  in  his  pockets,  a  monument  of 
silent  uncomplaining  martyrdom.  Thus 
he  sat  on  the  historic  night  when  Mr. 
CHAMBERLAIN,  rising  from  the  Eadical 
camp  below  the  Gangway,  hailed  him, 
amid  raucous  cheering,  as  "Late  the 
Leader  of  the  Liberal  Party."  Had  the 
taunt  been  addressed  to  a  stone  image 
it  would  not  have  led  to  less  perceptible 
change  of  countenance. 

A  tower  of  strength  to  any  Adminis- 
tration in  which  he  served,  Lord 
HARTINGTON 's  value  as  an  asset  was 
— if  paradox  be  permitted — lessened 
by  his  implacable  honesty.  Not  a 
party  man,  he  was  unselfishly  loya! 
to  his  Party.  But  there  was  a  limil 
beyond  which  neither  personal  friend- 
ship nor  political  advantage  could  drag 
his  foot.  It  was  marked  by  conviction 
that  the  proposed  step  was  lacking 
in  honourable  purpose  or  that  it  was 
hostile  to  the  truest  interest  of  the 
country.  No  British  statesman  o 
modern  or  ancient  times  had  a  purei 
record  than  Lord  HARTINGTON.  His 
life  was  twice  blessed.  In  action  he 
did  the  State  high  service.  At  rest  he 
leaves  behind  a  memory  inspiring  to 
his  successors. 


OCTOUKR  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHAIMVAUI. 


301 


A   SUSPICIOUS   CASE. 

I  HAD  read  every  article  in  'J'hr 
Outsider  (and  my  own  coutril: 
twice)  and  yet  I  felt  Lhat  I  could  not 
leave  it  and  go  to  bed.  I  had  not 
enough  energy  to  stop  reading ;  I  was 
too  lazy  to  give  up  the  habit  of  going 
on.  So  I  went  very  methodically 
through  all  the  advertisements  and  in 
particular  learnt  all  the  best  that  could 
1)0  said  for  Blank  &  Co.'s  Bond  Street 
Cigarettes.  Then  I  put  the  paper  down 
and  leant  back  in  iny  chair.  Then  I 
leant  forward  again  and  resumed  my 
reading.  You  have  often  felt  exactly 
like  that,  haven't  you  ? 

Eventually  I  found  myself  going 
stolidly  through  the  same  old  advertise- 
ment. "  All  right,"  said  I,  in  an  irritable 
and  offended  voice,  "  I  '11  smoke  the 
darned  things,  if  I  've  got  to,"  and  I 
noted  the  address. 

I  have  lied  frequently  and  without 
scruple  in  the  columns  of  the  press,  but 
I  assure  you  that  what  follows  is  the 
solemn  truth. 

"  Would  you  not  like  one  to  smoke 
now,  Sir  ?  "  said  the  man  behind 
Blank  and  Co.'s  counter,  as  he  tied  the 
parcel  up. 

"  Look  here,"  I  answered,  '•  you  've 
made  me  buy  this  box  of  cigarettes  ; 
I  do  think  you  might  let  me  smoke 
them  when  I  like." 

"One  out  of  our  box,  Sir,"  and  he 
proffered  the  tin  and  lit  a  match,  and 
was  very  careful  that  the  fumes  of  the 
sulphur  should  not  incommode  me. 

"  Come,"  said  I,  helping  myself, 
"  this  is  real  handsome.  I  shall  come 
here  again." 

"  If  you  are  going  to  be  a  regular 
customer,"  he  whispered  seductively, 
"  won't  you  avail  yourself  of  our 
splendid  offer?  "  Meanwhile  he  toyed 
with  a  little  cigarette  case. 

"  Old  man,"  I  retorted  sharply, 
"  don't  you  think  that,  just  because 
you  have  got  on  my  soft  side  once,  I 
am  as  simple  as  I  look.  You  don't  do 
me  like  that." 

I  believe  that  if  I  had  called  him 
an  oppressor  of  the  poor  and  robber  of 
the  unalert  to  his  face  he  would  only 
have  shaken  his  head  and  smiled 
firmly.  He  explained  that  I  had  only 
got  to  order  and  pay  for  five  hundred 
cigarettes,  and  I  should  get  the  silver 
(he  called  it  silver)  case  thrown  in. 

I  thought  hard.     "  I  spot  it,"  I  cried  ; 
triumphantly  ;  "  I  shall  have   to   buy  j 
your   eight  -  and  -  sixpence-  a  -  hundred 
instead  of  your  six-shilling-a-humlred 
cigarettes.      You   will   slip    behind    a 
screen    and  put   five    hundred   of   the 
sumo  cigarettes  in  another  box,  witli 
purple  ribbon  on  it.     Five  half-crowns 
(the  difference)  come  to  twelve-and-six. 


"DO    YOU    WANT    A1.I.    THESE    FINANCIAL   \EWS1-A I'EKN     AM>    MuNEY   M.\l:KET    M  %••  \ 

KEPT?    THEY  MAKE  THE  IIOOM  so  UNTIDY." 

"No;     I'VE    FINISHED    WITH    'EM.      SEND    'EM    TO    THE    WollKMOl'SK  ;    THEY 'BE    (.I.AIl    OF 
XEWSl'AI'KKM  THERE." 


The  case  costs  you  something  under  j 
eight  shillings,  and  the  purple  ribbon , 
doesn't  count.  There !  I  told  you  I  \ 
was  no  fool." 

No.     It  was  not  that.     I  could  have 
five  hundred    of    the    six-shillings-a-  ( 
hundred  at  the  price  of  six  shillings  a  j 
hundred.     Moreover,  as  long  as  I  paid  j 
for  them  then,  I  could  take  them  when 
and  how  I  liked,  one  at  a  time,  if  I , 
was  that  way  inclined. 

"  Then  I  shall  not  get  the  case  ?  "  I 
said. 

"  You   will  get   the    case,   Sir,'1    ho 
asserted. 


"Then  I  shan't  really  get  the  cigar- 
ettes?" I  pressed. 

"  You  will  get  the  cigarettes.  Sir," 
he  protested  with  patient  emphasia. 

"  I  don't  like  your  persistent  honesty. 
Let  me  see  the  hall-mark." 

He  showed  me  the  hall-mark.  It 
was  peculiarly  all  right,  and  Blank  and 
Co.'s  name  did  not  appear  to  be  dragged 
into  the  matter.  Moreover,  the  uum 
demonstrated  to  me  rather  forcibly 
that  it  was  not  the  fact  of  getting  my 
thirty  bob  now,  instead  of  having  to 
wait  a  in.-.nth  or  two  for  it,  that  in- 
duced them  to  do  this  thing.  "  Then 


302 


PUNCH,   Oil   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOBER  25,  1911. 


I  understand,"  I  said,  "  though  I  can- 
not quite  see  how,  that  when  I  produce 
the  case  to  a  friend  it  will  burst  out 
in  coloured  lights  and  flash  the  legend 
1  Smoke  and  Enjoy  Blank  and  Co.'s 
Bond  Street  Cigarettes.'  " 

But  no :  it  was  not  even  that. 

When  one  gets  as  far  as  I  had  got 
in  an  argument  with  a  shopman,  one 
•lias  of  course  lost.  In  the  end  I  left 
with  the  first  hundred  cigarettes  in  my 
hand,  and  in  my  ear  his  ringing  promise 
to  have  the  case  ready,  duly  mono- 
grameil.  "We  shall  seo  you  again  in 
the  morning,  then,  Sir?"  he  concluded 
blithely. 

"  Get  along  with  you,"  said  I.  "  You 
know  quite  well  that  you  will  have 
boltel  with  the  cash  by  then." 

"  Good  evening,  Sir,"  he  laughed. 


you  miserable.  What  with  the  cer- 
tainty that  you  have  been  done  by  the 
Company,  and  the  impossibility  of 
finding  out  how,  and  what  with  the 
wild  hope  (which  you  know  to  be 
desperate  even  as  you  hops  it)  that  you 
have  done  the  Company,  you  would  get 
so  irritable  that  even  the  five  hundred 
excellent  cigarettes,  smoked  on  end, 
would  not  calm  you. 

I  did  make  one  more  attempt  to  get 
at  the  truth.  "  Friend,"  I  said,  calling 
on  him  at  his  shop,  "  it  is  now  your 
turn  to  avail  yourself  of  my  splendid 
offer.  Here  is  another  thirty  bob. 
It  is  yours  on  one  small  condition. 
I  have  smoked  the  last  cigarette  of  the 
last  row  of  each  box,  and  they  were  all 
up  to  sample.  The  thirty  bob  is  yours 
and  secrecy  guaranteed,  if  you  will  toll 


THE    LETHAL    CHAMBER. 

"  IN  any  case  the  cat  is  a  stray," 
remarked  Reginald,  "  and  a  hideous 
stray  at  that." 

"  Yes,  dearest,"  replied  his  wife, 
"  but  it 's  a  cat,  and  as  such  appealed 
to  both  of  us  when  it  crept  into  the 
scullery  door  that  snowy  night  last 
February." 

"Kindly  remember,  Mabel,  I  was 
against  your  letting  it  in,"  returned 
Reginald. 

"  You  may  have  been,"  she  replied; 
"  I  also  remembsr  you  were  the  one  to 
warm  the  bread  and  milk  for  it  and 
give  it  one  of  your  flannel  shirts  to 
sleep  on.  You  were  also  the  one  to — 

"  Pray  lot  us  be  reasonable.  We  've 
only  tolerated  it  because  we  're  sorry 


FRIEZE   FOR  THE   SHINGLESEA  TOWN    HALL. 

To  COMMEMORATE  THE  CI.OKIOUS  AND   WIOI.ONGED  SUMMER   SEASON   OF   1911. 


"  GooA-bye,"  I  answered  bitterly. 

However,  there  he  was  next  morn- 
ing, with  the  case  ready  for  me. 

"  And  the  other  four  hundred  cigar- 
ettes we  will  send  you  from  time  to 
time,  as  you  order  them  ?" 

"  I  will  take  them  all  now,"  I  de- 
clared suddenly,  and  watched  his  face 
narrowly.  No  ghastly  pallor  on  his 
cheeks,  no  blue  at  the  lips,  no  sign  of 
the  villain  foiled,  not  even  a  wince! 

"  It  is  no  good,"  I  said ;  "  I  see  that 
I  have  got  to  be  done.  Probably  you 
have  been  sitting  up  all  night  doing 
something  to  my  four  hundred  ;  taking 
the  tobacco  out  of  the  paper,  or  putting 
cheap  paper  round  the  tobacco."  And 
with  that  we  parted. 

I  do  not  give  you  the  address,  though 
you  could  easily  find  it  for  yourself  by 
trying  every  shop  in  Bond  Street,  for 
one  reason  because  we  do  not  advertise 
in  this  part  of  the  paper,  and  for  the 
other  because,  if  I  did  and  you  went 
and  did  likewise,  it  would  only  make 


me  where  the  catch  is.  For  that  there 
is  a  catch  in  it  somewhere  you  know 
as  well  as  I." 

The  man  said  there  was  no  eatch  in 
it,  smiled  happily,  refused  the  thirty  bob 
and  oSered  me  another  cigarette  out  of 
the  Company's  bos. 

"Mr.  Giles  was  formerly  employed  in  London 
both  as  a  booking-ofiiee  clerk  and  as  a  dramatic 
critic.  Ho  knew  Miss  Madge  Robertson  (after- 
wards Mrs.  Kendall),  David  Garrick,  and 
Sothern. " — Daily  Sketch. 

GARRICK'S  famous  lion  mot  about  the 
South-Eastern  Railway  was,  in  fact, 
first  made  to  Mr.  GILES. 


"Mr.  Wood,  M.P.,  and  the  Hon.  Mrs.  Wood 
have  been  entertaining  at  Hengrave  this  week 
for  shooting  the  Marquess  and  Marchioness 
Douro,  Viscount  and  Viscountess  Deerhurst, 
Lord  and  Lady  Batemau,  Mrs.  Montagu  Tharp, 
Miss  Beare,  Lieutenant  Eyres-Monsell,  M.P., 
and  Mrs.  Eyres-Monsell,  Mr.  Quilter,  M.P., 
Mr.  Bevan,  and  Mr.  Jack  Wood."— The  Times. 

A  fairly  useful  bag. 


for  the  ugly  little  brute  ;  but  now,  as  you 
can't  find  a  hopie  for  it,  our  only  possible 
course  is  to  have  it  destroyed  before  the 
place  is  swarming  with  kittens,  all 
resembling  their  mother,  only  more 
so." 

"  We  could  drown  them,"  said 
Mabel ;  "  at  least,  you  could." 

"Thanks,"  said  Eeginald  coldly. 

"  Well,  the  greengrocer's  boy  would 
do  it  for  threepence." 

"No  doubt;  but  you  know,  when  it 
came  to  it,  you  'd  never  let  him." 

Mabel  did  not  reply,  but  scratched 
the  scraggy  ba3k  of  the  object  under 
discussion  with  the  point  of  her  slipper 
instead.  It  was  an  ugly  cat,  with  a 
large  pink  nose,  no  chin  to  speak  of, 
a  crafty  pair  of  eyes,  and  a  coat  that 
had  probably  seen  better  days. 

"The  best  thing  to  do,"  said  Eeginald, 
"  is  to  tell  the  chemist  to  give  it  a  dose 
of  prussic  acid." 

"  I  wouldn't  for  worlds,"  replied 
Mabel;  "prussic  acid  hurts  awfully. 


OCTOUEB  25,  1911.] 


PUNCH, 


No,  the  only  kind  thing  to  do  is  t 
send  it  to  ;i  lethal  chamber,  and  let  th 
poor  thing  sleep  out  of  one  world  int 
another.  But  in  either  case  it 's  slice 
murder." 

"  Well,  do  that,"  said  Reginald;  "I 
risk  being  hanged." 

"  I  think  you  are  frightfully  callou 
and  selfish,"  said  his  wife.  "  Althoug 
you  claim  a  future  existence  for  your 
self  and  deny  it  to  animals,  yoi 
destroy  their  one  little  life  without  an 
compunction,  but  set  a  ridiculous  valu 
on  your  own,  although  you  have  go 
another  to  follow." 

"  Well,  take  your  choice  of  the  tw 
methods,"  he  said  indifferently,  "  but 
should   think  the  chemist's  would  b 
handier." 

"No,  it  isn't,  as  a  matter  of  fact, 
replied  Mabel,  "because  Dunham  th 
Vet.  has  a  lethal  chamber  for  cats,  an< 
all  you  have  to  do  is  to  send  him  i 
postcard  asking  him  to  fetch  then 
away." 

1;Then  do  that,"  said  her  husban; 
as  he  prepared  to  start  for  the  City 
"  only  remember,"  he  added  authori 
tatively  over  his  shoulder,  "I  wish  i 
done." 

"  Very  well,  dear,"  said  Mabel,  ant 
set  to  work  to  write  the  postcard,  but 
found  the  drawing-up  of  the  death- 
warrant  no  easy  matter,  for  she  hat 
not  the  heart  to  say  she  wanted  the  cal 
destroyed  in  so  many  words.  In  the 
end  she  compromised  by  addressing  it 
to  Mr.  Dunham,  The  Lethal  Chamber, 
High  Street  (Local),  and  asking  him 
to  fetch  the  cat  away  that  afternoon. 
Then,  leaving  half-a-crown  with  the 
maid  to  defray  the  charge,  she  went 
up  to  town,  hoping  that  a  matinee 
might  divert  her  mind  from  the 
tragedy. 

"  The  boy  fetched  it  this  afternoon," 
she  said  reproachfully  to  Eeginald 
later  in  the  day;  "I  was  out,  but  he 
took  it  in  a  basket,  and  said  there  was 
no  charge.  I  think  Mr.  Dunham  is  a 
humane  man  and  a  credit  to  his  sex." 

"  So  do  I,"  said  Eeginald  with  heart- 
less gaiety;  but  he  missed  the  cat,  all 
the  same,  and  it  was  quite  a  weak 
before  Mabel  recovered  her  usual  spirits. 
Still,  lots  of  things  happened  that 
summer — two  weddings  in  the  family, 
then  fie  Coronation,  and  alter  that 
their  summer  holiday,  which  was  really 
like  a  second  honeymoon,  until  one 
morning  a  letter  arrived  bearing  a 
half-penny  stamp  and  with  the  flap 
folded  inside. 

"  I  told  them  not  to  forward  circulars," 
grumbled  Eeginald. 

"  I  don't  think  it 's  a  circular,"  said 
his  wife,  "it  looks  like  a  bill." 

Reginald  frowned  and  opened  it.  It 
was  a  bill,  and  read  thus  : — 


ANXIOUS   MOMENT. 


'Sanil.   Dunham,   Veterinary  Surgeon, 
JI.K.C.V.S. 


To 


One  cat,  full  board  (March  31 
to  July  31)  

4  kittens,  ditto  (April  30  lo 
July  31) 


240 
280 
£4  12     0 


A  remittance  will  oblige." 

"  What    does    this    mean  ? "    said 
Reginald  fiercely,   pushing   the  docu- 
ment across  the  table. 

"  /  don't  know,"  said  his  wife,  push 
ng    it     back,    "  unless,"     she    added 
houghtfully,  "  he  didn't  put  our  poor 
lussy  in  the  lethal  chamber  after  all." 

"  But  you  wrote  and  to'.d  him  to  ?  " 

"  Well,  as  far  as  I  remember,  I  told 
lim   in  my  postcard  to  fetch  the  cat 


iway,   and   addressed  it 
hauiber.     I   didn't  say 


to  the  lethal 
'destroy  it,' 

n   black  and  white,  because  I  hadn't 
lie  heart  to,  but  I  thought  he  'd  under- 
tand  what  I  meant.     Now  I  see  why 
here  was  no  charge." 
"  No  charge  I "  howled  Eeginald.    "Is 
4  12s.  Od.  no  charge  ?    That 's  what 
our  soft-heartedness  is  going  to  cost 
no.'    Do  you  know  I  've  been  keeping 


that  rat-tailed  animal  and  its  progeny 
for  all  these  months,  because  YOU  are 
pleased  to  have  so  much  consideration 
for  a  cat  and  so  little  for  my  pocket '.'  " 

"I  think  we  have  been  done,"  said 
Mabel  calmly.  "  He  probably  did  kill 
the  cat  and  he's  trying  to  swindle 
you.  I  shouldn't  pay." 

"I  won't!"  thundered  Reginald, 
"  I  '11  fight  it !  "  and  he  wrote  to  Mr. 
Dunham  to  that  effect.  Mr.  Dunham 
however  replied  that  he  had  now  de- 
stroyed all  the  animals,  was  sorry  the 
mistake  had  occurred,  but  must  insist 
on  payment,  and  was  always  prepared 
[or  litigation. 

In  the  end  a  compromise  was  effected. 
The  Vet.  took  three  guineas  and  Mabel 
went  without  another  new  (and  un- 
necessary) muslin  frock.  Reginald  said 
u>  thought  it  would  be  a  lesson  to  her. 
She  quite  agreed,  and  got  the  frock  a 
'ortnight  later. 

Answer  to  correspondent  in  The  Star: 
"To  row  your  rxixtrmf  »ith  your  «y»  firmly 

ixrd   on   wine    definite  goal    iu»t<*d   of  ju»t 

Irilting  is  wiw." 

["rue ;  but  then  it 's  so  difficult  to  row 

hat  way  round. 


304 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [OCTOBER  25,  1911. 


THE    HALSBURY    CLUB. 

THE  weekly  meeting  of  the  Halsbury  Club  was  held 
yesterday  at  ('lie  new  Moriduro  Hall  specially  re-named  by 
the  Club  for  this  purpose.  There  were  present,  amongst 
others,  Lord  WILLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE,  Mr.  AUSTEN 
CHAMBERLAIN,  M.P.,  Mr.  GEORGE  WYNDHAM,  M.P.,  Lord 
MILNEU,  Lord  SELBORNE,  Mr.  J.  L.  GARVIN,  Mr.  F.  E.  SMITH, 
K.C.,  M.P.,  and  Mr.  LEO  MAXSE  (guest).  Members  of  the 
Press  were  not  admitted,  but  our  own  special  investigator  has 
supplied  us  with  the  following  account  of  the  proceedings : — 

Lord  Milner.  Where's  HALSBURY— er— I  beg  pardon- 
where  is  our  revered  President  ? 

Mr.  Austen  Chamberlain.  No  doubt  the  old  buster — 
tut,  tut,  how  silly  1  am  ! — no  doubt  our  noble  friend,  never 
more  noble  than  in  this  time  of  trial,  will  be  here  as  soon 
as  his  numerous  and  important  engagements  permit.  In 
"the  meantime  I  suggest  that  the  Secretary — (at  this 
moment  a  loud  shout  of  "  What  cheer,  boys  ! "  was  heard 
outside,  the  door  was  violently  opened,  a  big  drum  and  a 
policeman's  helmet  were  flung  into  the  room,  and  were 
immediately  followed  by  Lord  HALSBURY  tastefully  attired  as 
a  boy  scout.  The  noble  Earl,  having  turned  three  cartwheels 
and  four  somersaults,  alighted,  on  the  irooden  circumference 
of  the  drum  and  trundled  it  round  the  room  with  his  feet. 
He  then  sprang  lightly  on  to  Lord  SELBOBNE'S  shoulders, 
kissed  his  hand  to  the  assembled  Die-Hards,  and  popped  off 
safely  on  to  Mr.  AUSTEN  CHAMBERLAIN'S  lap,  and  so  into  the 
Presidential  chair). 

Lord  Halsbury.  That  knocks  'em,  I  don't  think — eh  what? 

All  (enthusiastically).  What  a  boy  it  is! 

Mr.  Leo  Maxse  (in  a  frenzy  of  admiration).  B.M.G. ! 
B.M.G. ! !  B.M.G. !  1  !  Oh,  what  it  is  to  be  alive  and  in 
England !  Oh,  the  traitors,  the  double-distilled,  disloyal, 
bloodthirsty,  venomous,  lickspittle,  mean-spirited,  thrice 
damnable  traitors!  B.M.G.!  B.M.G.!  Show  me  the 
scuttlers !  Let  me  get  at  the  shufflers !  I  '11  cut  their 
hearts  out !  I  '11  massacre  them  !  Oh,  oh,  oh  ! ! !  (He 
foams  at  the  mouth  and  falls  on  the  floor.) 

Mr.  F.  E.  Smith  (jealously,  to  Lord  SELBOHNE).  Pretty 
trick,  isn't  it?  He  does  it  with  a  bit  of  soap,  you  know. 

Mr.  J.  L.  Garvin.  This  is  stupendous.  But  where  in 
the  world  did  you  get  the  drum  and  the  helmet  ? 

Lord  Halsbury.  Took  the  drum  from  a  Salvation  Army 
band.  Drummer  objected.  Bagged  his  wind,  bowled  him 
over,  and  away  I  went  with  his  drum.  Policeman  inter- 
fered. Bagged  his  helmet,  and  here  I  am. 

All  (ecstatically).  What  youth!  What  exuberance  !  What 
innocent  animal  spirits !  Was  there  ever  such  a  boy ! 

Mr.  Austen  Chamberlain  (impressively).  Lord  HALSBURY 
teaches  us  all  a  lesson. 

Lord  Halsbury  (from  the  Chair).  Now  then,  boys, 
business,  business.  WILLOUGHBY,  old  son,  we  '11  take  your 
blessed  minutes  as  read.  Is  there  anything  more  ?  I  'm 
playing  half  back  for  the  Peckham  Scorchers  this  afternoon, 
so  I  can't  stay  long. 

Mr.  George  Wyndham.  I  've  a  little  thing  here  on  "  Eonsard 
and  the  Unionist  Party."  May  I  read  it  to  the  Club  ?  It 
won't  take  a  quarter  of  an  hour. 

Lord  Halsbury.  Who  's  Bonsard  ? 

Mr.  George  Wyndham.  Oh,  well,  Eonsard,  you  know 

Lord  Halsbury.  We  11  hear  all  about  him  next  time. 
Anything  more? 

Lord  Willoughby  de  Broke.  We  've  got  to  pass  our  usual 
vote  of  confidence  in  the  Mandarins — ahem,  I  mean  our 
great  leaders,  Mr.  BALFOUR  and  Lord  LANSDOWNE.  Who  '11 
propose  it  this  time  ? 

Mr.  Leo  Maxse  (faintly,  from  the  floor).  I  will.  B.M.G. ! 
B.M.G. ! 


Lord  Willoughby  de  Broke.  Who  11  second  ? 

3fr.  Austen  Chamberlain  (with  determination).  I  will. 

Lord  Halsbury.  Eight!  Passed  with  acclamation.  Catch! 
(He  lobs  the  inkstand  gracefully  to  Lord  SELBORNE,  who 
misses  it).  Butter-fingers  !  Oh,  by  the  way,  I  think  I  ought 
to  tell  you  the  story  of  why  I  made  GRANTHAM  a  judge.  It 's 
a  splitter.  (He  tells  it,  and  the  meeting  is  dissolved  in 
la  n</ liter.)  

THE  TWO   HOUSES. 

"  HILLVIEW  "  is  my  villa  (or  ''  Woodside," 

I  always  forget  which  is  mine) ; 
They  stand  in  Dene  Eoad,  on  the  good  side, 

The  first  of  their  line. 
The  rest  of  the  road  is  a  huddle 
Of  masons  and  mortar  and  muddle ; 
The  opposite  path  is  a  puddle, 

But  ours  is  quite  firm,  when  it 's  fine. 

I  can  go  up  to  town  by  the  G.C., 
Which  runs  at  the  top  of  the  road  ; 

But  it  also  is  equally  easy 
To  leave  my  abode 

And  walk  in  the  other  direction 

To  catch  the  Great  West3rn  connection  ; 

Thera  is  nothing  to  sway  my  selection, 
And  that  is  the  cause  of  this  ode. 

On  returning  at, night  from  the  City 

(A  thing  I  invariably  do) 
I  behold,  with  a  pang  of  self-pity, 

"  Woodside  "  and  "  Hillview." 
I  am  hungry,  and  henco  my  emotion ; 
They  're  as  like  as  two  drops  in  the  ocean, 
And  I  haven't  the  foggiest  notion 

As  to  which  is  my  own  of  the  two. 

If  the  route  up  to  town  were  noi  double, 
My  house  would  be  second,  or  first, 

From  the  Station,  thus  stopping  the  trouble 
With  which  I  am  cursed ; 

But  my  memory  's  really  so  rotten 

That  I  've  always  completely  forgotten 

If  I  caught  the  6.12  to  Hill  Wotten, 
Or  the  6.17  to  Wood  Hurst. 

And  to  me  all  such  names  as  "  Fernhollow," 
"  Fairhazel,"  "  Poldune,"  or  "  Tremunsa  " 

Seem  alike ;  I  suppose  it  must  follow 
That  I  am  a  dunce, 

That  my  mind  what  it  meets  barely  skims  on ; 

But  1 11  get  my  house  painted  bright  crimson, 

And  1 11  give  it  my  own  name,  "James  Simson," 
And  then  I  shall  know  it  at  once. 


A  Chinese  Puzzle. 

We  have  not  told  our  readers  much  about  the  Chinese 
army  yet.  Well,  let  us  begin  this  week. 

"Altogether  28  divisions  have  been  formed,  or  are  in  process  of 
formation  ;  but  it  is  understood  that  only  ten  are  complete.  These 
ten  are  numbered  from  one  to  nine,  except  No.  7,  which  is  in  arrears. " 

Morning  J'ost. 

"The  advent  of  real  geese  which  will  appear  in  Humperdinck's 
'  Kiinigskiudor,'  is  anticipated  with  considerable  interest.  These 
birds  are  now  undergoing  a  special  training  for  the  event.  Their 
metier  will  be  to  follow  the  goose-girl  and  to  quack  as  little  as  possihle. 
Geese  are  not  remarkable  for  any  special  intelligence." — H>i>inlniil. 

True,  but  they  are  probably  intelligent  enough  to  know 
that  they  are  not  ducks. 


OC-TOBKB  25,  u)ii.|  PUNCH,   OR   TIIK    LONDON   CIIAIMVAUI. 


Old  Doctor  (who  has  been  gossiping  for  three-quarters  of  an  hour), 
A  KIT." 


WKI.I.,  WBI.I,    I   Ml'.ST   nE  COIXO.      I'VK  COT  TO  VISIT  AX   Ol.ll  I.ADT 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr,  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
MB.  HYNDMAN'S  Record  of  an  Adventurous  Life  (MAC- 
MILLAN)  is  handicapped  by  three  false  starts.  In  a  preface 
accounting  for  the  appearance  of  the  book  he  calls  in  aid 
the  venerable  excuse  of  the  "pressure  of  friends"  inducing 
him  to  write  it.  In  his  opening  sentence  we  find  a  cheap 
jocosity :  "  There  is  every  reason  to  believe  I  was  born  at 
7,  Hyde  Park  Square,  on  the  7th  of  March,  1842;  though 
birth,  being  the  most  important  incident  in  the  life  of  men, 
is  precisely  that  which  none  of  them  can  remember,  and  I 
am  of  course  no  exception  to  the  rule."  Beferring  to  "  my 
dear  old  friend  Michael  Davitt,"  he  turns  aside  to  inquire, 
"  What  would  the  Hyndmans  of  old  time  have  said  of  sueli 
friendship !  "  Well,  noblesse  oblige.  Mr.  HYNDMAN  tells  us 
his  grandfather  was  a  slave-running  planter  in  the  West 
Indies,  and  might  have  bsen  fastidious  in  respect  of  the 
choice  of  his  grandson's  companions.  Having  known 
DAVITT  publicly  and  privately  I  should  say  the  grandson 
was  honoured  by  the  acquaintance  of  a  gentleman  of 
chivalrous  nature  and  charming  manners.  These  banalities 
apart,  and  his  political  views  not  taken  too  seriously,  Mr. 
HYNDMAN  has  written  a  book  of  considerable  human  interest. 
Like  Ulysses,  he  has  travelled  much.  Many  cities  has  he 
seen,  and  his  range  of  acquaintance  with  men  of  the  last 
half-century  is  wide  and  various.  Of  his  politics  it  may 
suffice  to  say  that  he  speaks  of  the  occupation  of  Egypt  as 
"  a  monstrous  conquest " ;  of  the  action  of  a  Government 
confronted  by  the  conspiracy  of  the  Land  League  and  the 
episode  of  the  murder  of  Lord  FREDERICK  CAVENDISH  as 
"  intolerable  tyranny  "  ;  and  of  the  admininistration  that 


has  brought  India  to  its  present  state  of  unparalleled 
prosperity  as  "  ruinous  misrule."  Preaching  these  and 
similar  doctrines  as  be  went  bis  way  he  found  himself 
occasionally  misunderstood.  A  .published  commentary 
upon  the  drift  of  tilings  in  the  United  States  brought  upon 
him  caustic  rejoinder.  "  England,"  wrote  a  New  York 
paper,  discussing  his  screed,  "sends  many  fool-travellers 
to  the  United  States,  but  never  More  such  a  fool  as 
this."  Perhaps  the  most  delightful  chapter  in  the  book 
contains  his  account  of  a  morning  call  upon  DISRAKLI, 
whom  he  desired  to  convert  in  bis  old  age  to  Socialistic- 
principles.  The  interview  lasted  three  hours.  "  J/ord 
Beaconsfield,"  writes  Mr.  HYNDMAN,  with  the  naivetf  that 
endears  him  to  the  reader,  "had  an  attack  of  illness 
shortly  afterwards  and  died  within  a  few  weeks." 

One  trivial  objection  I  have  to  make  against  LI-OAK 
MALET'S  long-expected  new  novel,  Adrian  Sunnjf 
(HUTCHINSON),  and  then  I  can  get  on  with  the  more 
congenial  task  of  praising  it  whole-heartedly.  Since,  to 
one  who  knows  anything  whatever  of  the  neighbourhood, 
the  identity  of  her  "  Stourmouth "  (with  its  underclifi 
drives,  its  pine  forest  and  its  consumptives)  positively  leaps 
to  the  eye,  I  was  constantly  irritated  at  the  superfluous 
and  unconvincing  disguise.  Why  on  earth  not  say 
Bournemouth,  and  have  done  with  it?  Still,  this  is  a 
tiny  blemish  on  a  very  remarkable  achievement — the  best 
thing,  I  incline  to  think,  that  Mrs.  HARBISON  has  yet 
us.  There  are  two  sets  of  characters  in  the  book,  only 
united  so  far  as  they  touch  the  fortunes  of  Adrian  Savage 
—the  charming  society  of  upper-class,  artistic  Paris, 
amongst  which  he  moves  as  journalist  and  man  of  affairs ; 


306 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[OCTOLEK    25,    1911. 


and  the  provincial  c'rcle  of  Branksome  Park  (to  discard 
pseudonyms)  into  which  his  duties  as  a  trustee  take 
Adrian,  and  where  he  meets  Joanna,  who  falls  in  love  with 
him.  Joanna,  the  warped,  unlovable  heiress  of  a  bullying 
father,  not  only  imagines  herself  engaged  (on  wholly 


from  trafficking  in  the  mere  sordid  realities  of  commerce. 
"  Anything  is  worth  what  people  can  bo  got  to  give  for  it," 
was  his  motto,  and  from  such  small  beginnings  as  the  sale 
of  the  right  to  kiss  his  little  sister  for  a  halfpenny  (but  a 
penny  in  the  case  of  Livy  Ryder,  her  sweetheart)  he  rose  to 
the  giddy  heights  of  the  "  Lola  Cigarette  "  and  the  "  Great 


inadequate  grounds)  to  her  wonderful  young  cousin,  but  the  giddy  heights  of  the  "Lola  Cigarette"  and  the  "Great 
incidentally  in  doing  so  simply  swamps  every  other  (Exhibition,"  and  finally  to  juggling  with  six  limited  liability 
character  in  the  book.  It  is  no  disparagement  to  the  [companies  on  the  capital  of  one.  Mr.  ONIONS  has  written, 
author's  skill  to  say  that  beside  the  tragedy  of  this  one  i  as  I  say,  a  very  good  story,  and  for  two  things  especially 

-  I  thank  him  :  he  has  made  me  sympathise  with  a  hero 
who  was  an  absolute  scoundrel  from  beginning  to  end — 
always  a  grateful  sensation ;  anil  he  has  described  so 


figure  the  rest  seem  puppets.  Joanna,  with  her  luxurious 
empty  life  and  her  delusions,  is  almost  terribly  alive ;  she 
dominates  author  and  reader  alike.  Her  story  could  hardly 


be  a  cheerful  one ;  but  of  the  force  and  insight  with  which  j  intimately  the  life  of  csrta'n  citizens  of  Ford,  and  especially 


it  has  been  told  there  can 
be  no  two  opinions.  A 
book  that  lingers  in  the 
memory. 

WILLIAM  OF  ORANGE  was 
not  a  romantic  prince,  as 
Miss  MARJOHIE  BOWEN  is 
the  first  to  admit.  His 
political  and  military 
genius  is  a  matter  of  his- 
torical record ;  but  the  man 
himself  had  not  the 
dramatic  touch,  the  gift 
of  appreciating  and  living 
up  to  the  sentiments 
which  his  deeds  might  be 
expected  to  arouse  in  his 
audience  and  indeed  in 
himself.  It  is  certain  that 
bo  displayed  no  emotions ; 
it  is  doubtful  if  he  felt 
any;  in  the  result,  he  could 
not  inspire  popularity. 
Categorically  insisting  on 
this  fact,  Miss  BOWEN 
bas  yet  contrived  to  weave 
a  most  romantic  and 
dramatic  tale  from  the 
ncidents  of  his  career. 
Louis,  JAMES,  MAUY  and 
ANNE  and  all  the  protago- 
lists  of  the  time  appear, 
)ut  the  central  figure  is 
always  WILLIAM'S:  and, 
without  any  distortion  of 
the  known  facts,  you  are 


"KACE-CARD,  SIR?" 


the  social  organisation  of 
the  Warrender  Square 
Congregational  Chapel, 
that  I  began  to  think  at 
one  point  that  Mr.  AUNOLD 
BENNETT  must  look  to  his 
laurels.  During  the  later 
part  of  the  book  the  author 
has  not  taken  much  trouble 
to  avoid  suggesting  certain 
living  personalities,  and 
in  more  than  one  way  he 
sails  very  close  to  the  wind 
indeed.  But  he  sails  with 
a  fine  buccaneer  on  board, 
and  when  the  Official  Ee- 
ceiver  and  the  rapacity  of 
a  musical  comedy  star 
caused  between  them  the 
collapse  of  Mr.  Wace's 
paper  piracy,  and  he  was 
obliged  to  flee  for  the 
Spanish  main  in  good 
earnest,  I  confess  without 
shame  that  I  was  sorry. 


compelled  to  follow  his  story  as  you  would  follow  that  of 
the  most  popular  hero  imaginable.     The  truth  is  that  he  is 
stated  to  be  one  thing  and  portrayed  as  another ;  for,  if  you 
Ake  the  trouble  to  refer  back,  when  your  first  excitement 
ias  abated,  you  will  find  that  he  says  and  does  no  single 
hmg  that  is  not  intensely  attractive  and,  in  the  better 
ense  theatrical.     For  your  own  enjoyment,  however,  you 
will  dp  well  to  leave  that  objection,  together  with  a  split 
nfimtive  or  two,  to  the  pedants,  and  read  God  and  the  King 
IUEN)  for  a  magnificent  story  quite  magnificently  told. 

I  can  remember  a  very  good  short  story  by  Mr.  OLIVEK 
UNIONS  about  a  highwayman,  and  in  Good  Boy   Seldom 
METHUEN)  he  has  told  us  another,  a  long  one  this  time 
with  the  Strand  for  the  highway  and  flash-light  advertise- 
ments for  the  pistols  of  his  hero.     Good  Boy  Seldom  whose 
>ther  name  was  James  Enderby  Wace,  came  from  Yorkshire 
to  the  Yorkshireman's  hardness  of  body  and  head  he 
dded  a  dreamy  metaphysical  bent,  which  made  him 


averse 


Pasted  on  the  paper 
wrapper  of  Contraband 
Tommy :  a  Tale  of  the 
Dreadnought  Era  (JACK), 
by  Mr.  CHARLES  GLEIG 
(late  Lieut.  R.N.),  I  find 
this  bald  statement :  "  The 
£200  Prize  Story  for  Boys." 
Just  that.  Neither  inside 
the  book  nor  out  can  I  find, 
a  word  about  the  offer  or 
the  competition  or  the  conditions.  And  that  means  that 
there  are  things  going  on  which  even  the  most  alert  of  us 
miss.  Still,  I  am  afraid  a  young  friend  of  mine,  who  would 
certainly  have  had  a  cut  at  it  because  he  badly  wants  a 
new  bicycle,  would  not  have  won  even  if  I  had  given  him 
the  tip.  Mr.  GLEIG  has  earned  the  money.  Personally  I 
am  not  altogether  sure  that  I  approve  of  a  young  rascal 
of  a  ship's  boy  who  "  pinches  "  a  middy's  uniform,  joins 
his  ship  in  his  name,  saves  the  Commander's  life  from  the 
fury  of  King  Wanga  Wanga  of  Tabonga,  gets  mentioned 
in  dispatches,  and  eventually  wins  from  the  Admiralty  his 
gunroom  rating.  But  he  '11  go  down  right  enough  among 
the  youngsters  who  are  destined  to  make  his  acquaintance, 
and  that 's  the  great  thing. 


Sins   of  Society. 

It  is  announced  that  the  list  of  "  doubtful  baronets  ''  will 
be  published  by  the  end  of  the  year.  A  monograph  on 
shady  viscounts  is  also  being  prepared  for  the  Press. 


NOVEMBER    1,    1911.] 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHAKIVAKI. 


•Ml 


CHARIVARIA. 

THK  latcsb  Unionist  rumour  is  to  the 
that  the  peacemakers  have  pre- 
vailed over   tlio  pacemakers,  and   the 
title   of   tlio   Halsbury   Cluh  is   to   be 

changed  to  the  Balfourbury  Club. 

. 

It  seems  queer  that  the  East  should 
have  a  nicer  idea  of  what  is  sportsman- 
like than  the  West.  In  the  first  en- 

fjcinent,  at  any  rate,  the  Chinese 
Clovunnnent  saw  to  it  that  the  odds 
were  even.  According  to  Renter,  no 
overwhelming  numbers,  but 
2,000  loyal  troops  engaged 
2,000  revolutionists.  That's 
cricket.  ;.;  ..•• 


City  for  the  now  battleship  Utah.  In 
view  of  the  popular  belief  Unit  Jack 
has  a  wife  in  every  port,  the  refusal 
has  caused  some  surprise. 


*  * 


Lord  ROSEIIKKY'H  proposal  that  there 
should  be  a  holocaust  of  books  is  still 


cannot  bo  stopped,  would  it  not  be 
possible,  when  future  liste  are  published, 
to  divide  them  into  two  categories,  the 

distinctions  which  are  •„ 

being  headed  " HONORARY  M.I-..H  us"? 

Some  of    the  more  enterprising  of 
being  vigorously  discussed  in  literary  our  newspapers  have  pul 
circles.      What   has  surprised   us   for  graphs  of  the  new  FIRBT  IX>RD  of 
some    time    is    that    certain    modern ,  ADMIRALTY.    Tlio  likeness  to  the  late 
novels  of  an  advanced  typo  have  not  HOME  SECRETARY  is  astonishing. 


perished  from  spontaneous  combustion. 

*,« 

Mrs.    PANKHURST,    speaking    at    a 


"  We  have,"  said  the  GRAND 
VI/.IER,  speaking  for  the  Turk- 
ish (lovernment,  "no  aggres- 
sive intention,  no  ambitious 
designs,  against  any  country 
or  any  state.  It  is,  on  the 
contrary,  our  most  ardent 
desire  to  respect  the  legitimate 
rights  of  all  countries."  This 
disposes  once  and  for  all  of 
the  rumour  that,  if  defeated  by 
Italy,  Turkey  would  seek  com- 
pensation by  taking  Germany. 

It  is  pretty  to  see  allies  help- 
ing one  another  in  their  diffi- 
culties. Dalziel  tells  us  that 
great  numbers  of  Germans  and 
Austrians  are  arriving  in  Tur- 
key to  take  the  place  of  the 
deported  Italians. 

It  is  scarcely  fair  to  say  that 
Mr.  STEAD'S  peace  mission  to 
Constantinople  has  had  no 
effect.  Mr.  STEAD,  we  under- 
stand, is  a  distinguished  Non- 
conformist, and  many  Turks,  it 
is  said,  are  now  in  favour  of  a 
policy  of  Passive  Resistance. 

•','-      -\* 

The     French     Minister    of 
Finance   has   ordered   his   officials   to  ]  suffragist  meeting  in  Brooklyn,  declare, 
exhibit    a    cheerful    demeanour   when  '  that  she  would  not  be  a  man  for  all 
collecting  taxes.     They  would  lie  well  wealth  in  the  world. 
advised,  however,  not  to  be  too  playful.  ^  as  it  is  rumoured  that  the  1 
Taxpayers  are  peevish  animals,  and  any  not  if  she  would. 
attempt  to  chaff  them  about  the  object' 
of  his  visit  might  have  serious  results 
for  the  collector. 


The  statement  that  a  Nobel  Prize  is 
to  be  awarded  to  Mr.  THOMAS  EDIHOX 
for  Physics  has  aroused  a  con- 
siderableamount  of  pleasurable 
excitement  among  children  all 
over  the  world,  who  take  it  to 
mean  that  a  really  tasteless 
Castor  Oil  has  been  discovered 
at  last.  %, 

Mr.  EDWIN  SACHS,  the  Chair- 
man of  the  British  Fire  Pre- 
vention Committee,  has  been 
pointing  out  how  the  dangers 
of  fire  as  regards  children  may 
be  minimised.  We  should  have 
thought  it  would  have  been 
possible  to  render  them  abso- 
lutely fire-proof  by  treating 
them  with  certain  chemicals, 
as  is  done  in  the  case  of  stage 
properties.  »  ^ 


"  MAN  Wru.iB,  THEY  TKI.I.  ME  THEY  'VE  GOT  A  TIIREE-LEOUIT 
CAM-  UP  AT  JEEMIE  SAMSON'S." 

"Do  VE  TELL  ME!  ! !    HE'LL  BE  AWFU'  PROOD  ABOOT  IT!' 
"  PROOIJ  ! !    MAN,  HE  's  PROOUER  THAN  THE  At'i.u  roo  HERMKL'." 


Truth  will  out  even  in  a 
misprint.  The  following  state- 
ment appeared  in  The  Jimly 
Telegraph's  summary  of  Mr. 
BIRRELL'S  Home  Rule  pro- 
nouncement :  — 

•J.  Tli  in  lii-li  Parliament  will  luv<- 
full  IrxisUtiv  I»I«IT»  and  con- 
trol over  purrly  Iriith  concern*. 

3.  Incou»iil«Tint;»li»tth««"con- 
cent*"  shall  lie,  llw  (ionrn- 
nii-iit  »re  Ukiujt  a  »Me  riew, 
inordrr  "to  «•(!»(>»  ! 

A  serious  rxiilnsion   luu  >• 

at  the  demand   fur  nitloa»t 
mponsihility. 


Punishment,"     says    Dr.     DEVON, 


Lord  HALDANE,  in  defending  theTerri- 


torials,  declared  that  he  expects  to  be 
dead  before  any  political  party  seriously 
suggests  compulsory  military  service. 


"  never  did  anybody  any  good."    Clio-  We  understand  that  since  making  this 

statement,    our     War     Minister     has 


rus  of  schoolboys  :— "  Devon,  glorious 
Devon  !  "  :,  ,, 

The  United  States  Navy  Department 
has  refused  a  silver  tray,  bearing  the 
figure  of  BRIGHAM  YOUNG  and  the 
Mormon  Temple,  offered  by  Salt  Lake 


from 


received  a  number  of  telegrams 
Germany  wishing  him  long  life. 

Lord  SELBORNE  lias  been  inveighing 
against  the  selling  of  titles  for  the 
benefit  of  party  funds.  If  the  practice 


"A  nrveuteen  year-old  youth  was 
Kith  i«-<Ulhiig  »illii>nt  • 

fart!  JJrr 

This  comes  as  a    distinct    shock    to 
pianola  artists. 


•TiiK  dm.  WHO  WAK  Too  Bio  roR  MM  - 

Kr.AI>  ABOIT   HER   Iv 

So  runs  the  invitation  on  the  rover  of 
The  Home  Circle.  But  we  gat _m»io 
than  enough  of  this  kind  of  thing  in  The 
Lancet. 


"Tommy  Burn«  stated  in  an  intenr»w  that 

ho  was  anxious  to  meet  Johnson  anj»here  in 

the  world,   preferal.ly   in    Australia,    •** 

8til>ul«tii>n    that    no    rlmn-hes    be 

"—Abcnlrt*  Jour  Mil. 


This  seems 


to  be  a  hit  at  the  Rev. 


F.  B.  MEYER. 


VOL.    I'M.I. 


308 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  1,  1911. 


BOOKS   TO   THE    BONFIRE. 

[A  contribution  to  tli-'  dis.ii---.ii.ii  mi  tli<-  rryinj,'  n«'d  l"i'  our  l 
tu  IK-  pm-gi-il  liv  lire.] 

THIS  weary  mass  of  stuff  that  lines  my  wall, 

With  painted  skins  or  buckram  backed  and  flanked 
What  i*  there  in  these  objects,  after  all, 

That  they  should  seem  to  me  so  sacrosanct  ? 
Bow  after  row  in  steady  iteration, 

These  little  ink-marks,  made  on  rag  or  pulp— 
At  the  mere  thought  of  their  proposed  cremation 

Why  does  my  larynx  give  a  choky  gulp  ? 
Now  that  I  think  of  it,  I  do  not  know 
Why  this  is  so. 

Why  do  I  guard  (some  do  it  under  glass) 

Each  volume  in  its  sacred  niche  or  nook  ? 
Is  it  for  merit,  first  or  second  class, 

Or  just  because  it  calls  itself  a  Book  ? 
Although  of  their  insides  and  those  who  wrote  'em 

Ninety  per  cent,  induce  a  dull  despair, 
Yet,  as  a  savage  contemplates  his  totem, 

So  I  assume  with  them  a  reverent  air. 
He  worships  it  and  would  be  much  concerned 
To  see  it  burned. 

Dry-eyed  I  mark  my  other  goods  decay  ; 

Curtains"  and  carpets  fade  and  leave  me  cold  ; 
The  paper  from  my  walls  is  rapt  away 

And  new  designs  (at  Spring)  replace  the  old  ; 
By  decades  I  renew  the  kitchen  boiler 

And  bid  the  relics  to  the  scrapper  go, 
But  on  my  precious  books  if  Time  the  spoiler 

Should  lay  his  hand  they  stick  in  statu  quo. 
New  ones  may  come  and  want  a  vacant  site, 
But  they  sit  tight. 

At  times  I  think  a  sacrilegious  thought  : 

I  stop  to  ask  why  I,  who  have  no  use 
For  feats  of  prairie-trotters,  ever  bought 

That  tale,  Through  Manitoba  on  a  Moose  : 
How  one  who  loves  to  tread  the  Muse's  track,  but 

Abhors  the  lesser  guides,  allowed  himself 
To  have  and  keep  With  Dulcimer  and  Sackbut, 

Or  Kindred  Soul-Pants  on  his  poets'  shelf. 
These  last  were  gifts,  but  still  their  natural  fate 
Is  in  the  grate. 


Though  courtiers'  gossip  chills  me  to  the  bone, 

And  guardsmen  bore  me  when  their  waists  are  slim, 
Here's  Crowned  Heads  I  have  Patted  (gilt-edged  roan), 

And  Beauchamp  of  the  Blues  (half-calf  —  like  him)  ; 
And,  though  my  views  of  life  afloat  are  cynical 

(It  makes  me  sick  and  sailors  are  so  blunt), 
I  cling  to  Forty  Years  Abaft  the  Binnacle; 

Also  to  Yoicks  !  and  yet  I  never  hunt. 
I  have  not  read  them  since  my  childhood's  day, 
But  there  they  stay. 

The  room  to  which  their  betters  have  a  claim 

(Pipe-racks,  for  instance,  or  a  clear  blank  space) 
They  block  ;  yet  if  I  fling  them  to  the  flame 

I  smack  my  holiest  instincts  in  the  face  ; 
My  only  hope  of  losing  what  I  cherish 

(To  "  Elia's  "  inspiration  be  the  praise) 
Is  that  my  total  house  (insured)  should  perish, 

And  all  this  dry-rot  swell  the  common  blaze. 
Roast  pig  was  thus  secured  without  a  cook, 

Why  not  roast  book  ?  O.  S. 


TRIPOLI    TRIALS. 

I 

"WHY  not  find  an  Italian?"  said  Mabel,  as  we  discussed  j 
the  dearth  of  British  female  labour.  "  She  would  keep  i 
us  on  thrushes  and  Ghianti,  and  we  could  imagine  we  | 
were  living  in  Borne." 

Mabel,  I  need  hardly  explain,  is  as  yet  young  in  house- 
keeping.    That  is  why  I  watched  the  fog  settling  amongst  ' 
the   chimneys   of   Victoria    Street,    and  made   no   audible 
reply. 

Bosa  Bosmunda  came  the  next  week. 

Bosa  Bosmunda  is  a  dark,  deep-voiced  woman  of  forty- 
nine. 

Even  so  early  as  the  first  day,  Bosa  Bosmunda  sang  a  i 
little.    She  affected  the  ultra-passionate  mode.    Bat  Mabel's 
comprehension  of   Italian  is  not   really  nimble,  and   she  1 
seemed  to  think  that  the  "  a/more  "  and  "  belle  donne  " 
brought  a  breath  of  the  South  into  the  flat. 

Thus  things  were  just  possible  until  THE  WAR  broke  out. 

We  were  awakened  one  morning  by  the  deep  voice  of 
Bosa  Bosmunda  chanting  in  tones  of  menacing  resolution  : 

"  Se  Um-ber-to  mi  da  la  spa-da, 

Qucl-la  spa-da 

Quel-la  xpa-a-da, 
Se  Um-ber-to  mi  da  la  sp-i-da, 
Quel-la  spa-da  por-tei'-ii. " 

The  fact  that  her  threatened  assumption  of  the  sword  was 
made  conditional  upon  its  presentation  to  her  by  the  hands 
of  a  King  of  Italy  long  ago  dead,  seemed  to  reduce  a  little 
the  risks  of  the  undertaking. 

When  the  "  spada  "  was  quite  finished  with,  the  "  fucile  " 
was    taken    and    exercised.      After    that,   in   turn,   every 
known    weapon  in  the  arsenals  of  war,  and  after  that — 
da  capo.     It  was  awful.     There  was  a  sentimental  refrain  ! 
which  should  have  had  its  place  in  the  chant ;  but  in  the  i 
ardour  of  patriotism  this  was  generally  forgotten.     Battle 
was  the  business. 

It  went  on  for  days.     We  did  not  know  what  to  do. 

Mabel  maintained  that  no  human  being  should  be  denied 
the  gift  of  song — that  it  was  to  twist  the  neck  of  a  lark  to  j 
interfere.     But  I  watched  her  colour  fading  daily,  and  my 
work  had  been  at  a  standstill  for  a  week,  when  we  told 
Bosa  Bosmunda  that  we  feared  she  would  not  suit  us. 

Oh,  the  bliss  that  then  reigned  in  our  little  home !  The 
woman  seemed  to  know  her  voice  had  been  her  ruin,  and 
went  about  her  tasks  mouse-quiet. 

It  was  all  so  pleasant  that  Mabel  actually  began  to 
veer  round  towards  her  again.  She  came  to  the  conclusion 
indeed  that  no  loyal  Italian  could  have  acted  otherwise. 
But  she  was  sure  that  "silly  old  Tripoli"  could  interest 
nobody  now.  She  argued,  moreover,  that  the  woman  had 
had  a  lesson,  and  naturally  would  not  sing  again,  and  that 
it  would  be  the  height  of  foolishness  to  part  with  a  good 
servant. 

The  end  of  it  was,  of  course,  that  we  told  Bosa  Bosmunda 
that,  on  reconsidering  the  matter,  we  found  she  would 
suit  us  very  well. 

-;:-  *-  -::-  •::•  *• 

"  Se  Um-ber-to  mi  da  fu-ci-le, 
Quel  fu-ci-le 
Quel  f'u-ci-i-le, 
Se  Um-ber-to  mi  da  fu-ci-le, 
Quel  fu-ci-le  por-ter-6. " 

Bosa  Bosmunda's  voice  has  gained  in  strength  and 
volume  during  her  recent  period  of  depression.  But  after 
all,  as  Mabel  said,  even  if  we  had  a  Chinaman  it  would 
be  the  same  just  now. 

Motto  for  the  Cocoa  Peace  Party:  "The  nib  is  mightier 
than  the  sword." 


THE   COUNTESS   AND   THE  TAXI-DRIVER. 


AtTHOR    WAS 


' 


FATIIE"  * 


VltTUniA  fil.YXX, 


IT  A*  rOU-OW,  :- 
IN    15KU.IIAVK   HgPAUf.'"      KlT   TH« 

AX"  T11E  WOUD8  AK*  """"•  "8ror  AT 


ALL  THE  LATEST  DANCES. 

[Mile.  FELICIA,  a  Hungarian  dancer,  lias  been 
appearing  at  the  Hippodrome.    In  her  principa' 
dance  she  obtains,  it  is  said,  "one  of  the  mos 
extraordinary  effects  by  a  curious  movement  o 
the  nape  of  the  neck  upwards."] 

_  AT  the  Crematorium  the  chief  attrac 
tion  is  Frl.  Rollmops,  whose  dancing  is 
full  of  the  most  singular  suggestiveness 
In  one  of  her  measures,  appropriately 
entitled  Liebelei,  she  does  some  in- 
credible things  with  her  calves,  which 
are  made  to  express  a  wide  variety  ol 
emotions — now  of  coaxing  tenderness, 
now  of  burning  passion,  and  in  the  end 
of  contemptuous  rejection.  Frl.  Roll- 
mops'  performance  is  a  stupefying 
revelation  to  those  unacquainted  with 
the  more  recent  development  of  the 
tsrpsichorean  art. 

M.  Djujitsovitch,  who  is  to  be  seen 
at  the  Pandemonium,  has  introduced 
to  London  a  dance  which  nightly 
holds  an  over-crowded  house  in  an 
unparalleled  grip.  Attention  is  first 
riveted  by  a  spasmodic  twitching  of 
the  knee-cap;  the  movement  then 
gradually  spreads  to  other  sections  of 
the  body,  the  dance  finishing  with  a 
tremendous  tour  dc  force  in  the  form 


of  a  concerted  jerk  of  the  Adam's  apple 
and  the  Achilles  tendon. 

The  new  Sardinian  dancer  at  the 
Empyrean,  Signora  Rigli,  created  an 
immense  furore  at  her  first  appearance 
the  other  evening.  In  the  chief  item 
of  her  repertoire  she  achieves  an 
amazing  sensation  by  a  deft  manipu- 
lation of  her  collar-bone,  which  is 
seen  to  move  in  a  sinuous  wave, 
culminating  in  a  shudder  that  leaves 
the  spectator  clammy  with  a  nameless 
terror. 

It  has  been  left  to  Miss  Truly 
Allwright,  who  comes  here  with  a  big 
reputation  from  the  States,  to  demon- 
strate to  a  British  audience  the  subtle, 
yet  staggering  effect  that  can  be 
produced  in  a  dance  by  bringing  into 
play  the  muscles  of  the  ears.  In  a 
wonderful  "  Wag-time "  number  she 
employs  these  organs  with  irresistible 
charm,  and  the  final  flap  invariably 
>rings  down  the  house. 
We  are  asked  to  state  that,  owing  to 
slight  dislocation  sustained  at  re- 
learsal,  Mile.  Cuibono,  the  "Venezuelan 
Venus,"  will  be  unable  to  give  her 
amous  spinal-cord  dance  at  the  Capi- 
olium  this  week. 


JOURNALISTIC   DETACHMENT. 

TIIK  dogs  of  war  are  unleashed, 

The  eagles  are  waxing  fat, 
But  I  read  on  the  bill  of  The  Daily  Tin, It 

'  Shots  in  a  West-end  Flat." 

The  news  from  Turkey  is  bad, 
The  news  from  China  is  worse, 

But  I  read  on  the  bill  of  The  Daily  Thrill 
"  Actress  robbed  of  her  purse." 

There  are  terrible  scenes  in  Rome, 
And  horrible  sights  at  Constant.  O I 

But  I  read  on  the  bill  of  The  Daily  Thrill 
"  Peer  to  play  in  a  panto." 

So  I  'm  sure  when  the  dreadful  days 

Of  Armageddon  arrive, 
I  shall  read  on  the  bill  of  The  Daily 
Thrill 

"  Scene  at  a  Welsh  Whist  Drive." 

And  when  the  lost  trump  shall  rend 
The  World  to  its  midmost  hub, 

The  Daily  Thrill  will  adorn  its  bill 
With  "  Raid  on  a  West-end  Club." 


"We  take  great  pains  in  fitting  your 
feet,"  says  a  bootmaker's  advertisement 
in  The  Blairgmcrie  Advertiser.  With 
ordinary  bootmakers  we  generally  find 
that  it  is  we  who  take  the  pains. 


312 


ITNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAR1VAUI.  [NOVEMBER  i,  1911. 


THE    LUCKLESS    PALACE.        over  Bond   Su.eet.     Then 
Is  addition  to  the  public  meetings  could  shop  in   the  wet, 


to  discuss  the  future  of  the  Crystal 
Palace,  other  gatherings  have  met  with 
the  same  purpose,  but  rather  to  arrange 
for  private  than  public  proprietorship 


removed   from    Sydenham  and   placed 

Londoners 
they   can- 
not  now  do,  in   comparative  comfort. 
Declined  as  too  Utopian. 

A  letter  was  read  from  a  well-known 
variety    agent,    offering    to    rent    the 


or  tenancy.     We  report  the  proceed-  j  Crystal  Palace  as  a  permanent  school 


ings  at  the  most  influential  of  these. 

"The    chair    was    taken    by    Lord  i  m 
AVEBURY,     fresh     from     a 
evening   with   the    Poetry 


for  the  instruction  of  Eussian  dancers 


sufficient    numbers     to    meet    the 


sparkling  requirements  of  the  thousand-and-one 
of    Action  music-hall   managers    who   must    add 
Society,  and  among  others  present,  in  this  branch  of  entertainment  to  their 


Declined. 
A  letter  was  read  from  Sir  HENRY 


programme. 


HOWORTH,  offering  to  present  a  com- 
plete set  of  his  letters  in  The  Times  if 


addition   to   many  shareholders,  were 
Mr.  F.  E.  SMITH  (who  is  everywhere 
just  now)  and,  with  a  watching  brief 
for  the  Glaziers'  Union,  Mr.  EDMUND 
PAYNE.     Lord  AVEBURY,  in   his 
opening   remarks,   said    that    he 
hoped  there  would  be  no  violence 
during    the   proceedings.      They 
must  remember  that  those  who 
live  in  glass  houses  should  not 
throw  stones.    (Laughter.)   They 
were  met  to  consider  the  future 
of  the  famous  building.    It  would 
grieve  him  very  much  to  see  it 
go.  He  hoped  that  some  practical 
proposition  for  saving  it  would  be 
brought  forward  that  afternoon. 
Life  was  real,  life  was  earnest. 

The  Eight  Hon.  F.  E.  SMITH, 
K.C.,  M.P.,  asked  for  the  use  of 
the  building  as  a  club-house  for 
the  Halsbury  Club.  His  only 
fear,  he  said,  was  that  it  might 
not  be  large  enough,  but  they 
were  prepared  to  put  up  with  a 
little  inconvenience.  The  place, 
he  said,  peculiarly  appealed  to 
them  and  their  revered  leader  by 
reason  of  the  transparency  of  its 
walls,  for  they  had  nothing  to 
hide  and  welcomed  publicity.  In 
fact,  it  was  the  attraction  of 
publicity  that  had  brought  many 
of  them  together.  Declined. 

Mr.  IMRE  KIRALFY  offered  to 
purchase  the  palace  and  grounds  en  bloc  the  Palace  were  maintained  in  good 
for  £500.  His  intention,  he  said,  was  repair  under  the  name  of  Howorth's 
to  hold  a  series  of  annual  exhibitions  Mammoth  Fun  City.  Declined  with 


an  impression  oil  it."     Declined  with 
thanks. 
Finally, 


a  letter  was  read  from  a 
syndicate  of  cinematoscope  managers, 
offering  a  substantial  rent  for  the 
Palace  as  the  scene  for  their  varied 
operations — battles,  pursuits,  tragedies 
and  farces.  After  a  long  discussion  it 
was  decided  that,  for  the  present,  this 
was  the  most  reasonable  offer,  and 
that  to  accept  it  would  he  to  increase 
the  happiness  and  well-being  of  the 
country,  which  has  so  taken  the  cinema 
to  its  heart  that  it  cannot  be  happy 
without  it  even  in  the  smallest  towns. 
A  recommendation  to  open  negotiations 
with  the  syndicate  was  therefore  made 
and  the  meeting  broke  up. 


there,  to  be  devoted  to  the  various 
important  countries  of  the  world.  The 
first  would  be  a  German  Exhibition,  as 
that  was  calculated  to  be  popular  and 
would  have  the  support  of  the  Editor  of 
The  Nation  and  a  number  of  leading 
Eadicals.  The  next  would  be  devoted 
to  San  Marino.  The  next  to  Abyssinia, 
and  so  on.  Fortunately  it  had  been 
proved  by  ethnologists  that  all  these 
nations  shared  a  common  passion  for 
great  wheels,  flip-flaps,  scenic  railways, 
and  witching  waves,  so  that  the  public 
might  be  assured  of  fun  while  imbibing 
instruction.  Declined. 

A  suggestion  was  made  by  Sir  JOHN 
BENN  that  it  would  be  to  everyone's 
advantage  if  the  roof,  at  any  rate,  were 


groans  and  cries  of  "  Help  !  " 

A  letter  was  read  from  Mr.  CHARLES 
MANNERS  suggesting  that  the  Crystal 
Palace  should  be  converted  into  a 
National  Opera  House  with  permanent 
quarters  for  himself  as  a  manager  in 
the  North  Tower,  whence  he  proposed 
to  conduct  the  performances  from  a 
captive  balloon.  Declined  with  cheers, 
tears  and  laughter. 

A  letter  was  read  from  The  Human 
Ostrich,  now  exhibiting  in  a  Dime 
museum  in  Indianopolis,  who  asked  to 
be  remembered  if  it  was  decided  to 
demolish  the  building  and  any  difficulty 
was  found  in  disposing  of  the  glass. 
"  I  do  not  promise,"  he  added,  "  to  eat 
it  all ;  but  given  time  I  ought  to  make 


A  MATTER  OF  DETAIL. 

"  DON'T  forget  to  telephone  to 
Olive,"  I  said  to  myself  as  I  took 
my  place  in  the  morning  train, 
going  Citywards.  "  Eemember 
not  to  forget  to  telephone  to 
Olive,"  I  repeated  solemnly  to 
myself  as  I  disembarked  at 
Liverpool  Street.  "And,  by  the 
way,  don't  forget  to  remember 
not  to  forget  to  telephone  to 
Olive,"  I  added  severely,  still  to 
myself  as  I  mounted  the  steps 
of  my  business  habitation  in 
Austin  Friars, 

The  characters  of  this  little 
drama  are  myself,  "  my  dear  wife, 
A.  B."  (as  she  is  described  in  the 
lawyer's  precedent  for  the  last  will 
and  testament  of  an  affectionate 
husband),  and  Olive,  the  sister  of 
my  dear  wife,  who  lives  in  an 
exclusive  flat  in  Sloane  Street, 
only  connected  with  the  outside 
world  by  the  telephone.  Our 
eligible  suburban  residence  is  not 
on  the  telephone,  and,  when  my 
wife  wants  to  avail  herself  of 
that  institution,  she  must  needs  go 
outside  and  to  the  public  call-box 
round  the  corner.  Her  last  remark, 
as  I  left  for  the  office,  was,  "  Now 
don't  forget  to  telephone  to  Olive." 

The  successful  man  of  affairs  puts 
off  the  happy-go-lucky  self  of  private 
life  as  he  passes  over  the  office  thres- 
hold, and  puts  on  the  stern  methodical 
self  of  business.  Thus,  I  had  for- 
gotten all  about  Olive  and  her  claims, 
until  my  partner  came  into  my  room 
to  speak  to  me  an  hour  or  so  later. 
"  By  the  way  .  .  ."  he  began. 
"  Which  reminds  me,"  I  answered, 
and  I  went  to  the  telephone.  "  Are 
you  99999  Gerrard?"  I  began.  "In 
other  words,"  I  continued,  "  are  you 
Olive?  Yes?  I  am  delighted  and 
surprised  to  hear  it.  I,  on  the  other 
hand,  am  your  sister's  husband.  The 


NOVEMBEB  i.  1911.]  PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


other  people  whose  remarks  interven 
from  time  to  time  do  not  mattei 
They  talk,  not  because  they  have  any 
thing  of  importance  to  say,  but  simpl) 
because  they  cannot  refrain  from  talk 
ing.  It  is  their  idea  of  pleasure, 
however,  have  a  duty  to  perform. 
was  to  remember  to  telephone  to  you 
You  see:  I  have  remembered.  Won' 
your  sister  be  pleased,  and  aren't  you 
going  to  congratulate  me?  " 

Olive  remarked  upon  the  improve 
ment  in  me,  and  Exchange,  being  o 
opinion  that,  when  a  thing  is  done 
it  is  done  and  there  is  no  use  in  talk 
ing  about  it,  asked  if  we  had  finished. 

"  Yes,"  said  I. 

"No,"  said  Olive. 

"Of  course,"  I  said,  "you  want  to 
remind  me  not  to  forget  to  tell  my  wife 
that   I   did  telephone   to   you.      Ees 
assured,  my  dear  Olive.     That  is  the 
sort  of  thing  a  man  does  not  forget 
You  can  rely  on  me.     Good-bye." 

"  But  what  about  the  message  ?  ' 
cried  Olive's  voice,  and  my  receiver 
did  its  best  to  reproduce  her  agitation 

"  My  dear-  girl,"  I  remonstrated,  "  I 
am  not  perfect.  When  one  has  suc- 
ceeded in  performing  a  difficult  duty,  it 
is  depressing  to  be  called  upon  at  once 
to  perform  yet  another.  Surely  a  man 
may  be  allowed  to  forget  something? 
And  the  ingratitude  of  it  and  the  greed 
of  you ! " 

"  Idiot !  "  said  the  voice  briefly. 

"  And  now  you  vituperate.  Observe 
the  reward  of  virtue.  If  I  had  omitted 
to  telephone  to  you,  you  would  not 
have  said  one  cross  word  to  me." 

"  You'll  get  it  when  you  go  home," 
said  the  voice  with  joy. 

"  And,  yet  again,  you  are  spiteful. 
But  you  are  also  wrong.  She  will  say, 
'  Did  you  telephone  to  Olive  ? '  I 
shall  answer  truthfully,  '  Yes.'  I  shall 
then  get  good  marks  and  immediate 
reward.  If  anything  depended  upon 
ibis  message,  whatever  it  was,  you  will 
get  the  blame.  So  long,"  and  I  rang 
off. 

Such  was  my  forecast.  You,  in  your 
wider  experience,  may  say  that  wives 
lever  ask  you  if  you  have  executed 
;heir  commissions  when  as  a  matter 
of  fact  you  have.  We  are  both  wrong. 
Women  are  more  diabolically  ingenious 
;han  even  that.  The  first  words  that 
greeted  me,  on  my  evening  return  to 
he  Eligible,  were  : — 

"  Did  you  give  Olive  my  message  ?  " 

And,  as  Olive  will  discover  later,  I 
prevaricated. 


"The  orchestra,  which  was  under  the  con- 
ductorship  of  Sir  Henry  Wood,  also  s-uig  the 
Dance  of   Seven   Veils '   from  the   '  Salome ' 
misic  very  finely." 

They  will  break  out  like  this  at  times. 


AS   OTHERS   HEAR    US. 

Sliopinan.  "THE  FKESII  IIERRINCS  AIIE  VEHY  NICE  THIS  MORNIM:,  M'ji." 

Lady.  "Eu— HAVE  THEY  ROES?" 

Nhopman.  "WELL,  M'M,  ALL  risH  is  PEAP.ER  AT  THLS  SEASON!" 


MR.    PUNCH'S    LITERAHY 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 

YE  would-be  bards  whose  course  is  not 

begun, 

,Vhose  infant  Pegasus  has  yet  to  run, 
^isten,  and  I  will  tell  you  ho\v  it 's  done. 

.)o  not  imagine  that  the  bard  is  born, 
NTor  think  the  bay-leaf  on  his  skull  is 

worn 
3ecause  it  grows  there — like  a  bison's 

horn. 

Vot   much.     Nor   yet   by   thought  or 

studious  care. 
?his  is  no  intellectual  affair ; 
t  isn't  in  the  head  ;  it 's  in  the  hair  ! 

i'on  man  of  song,  whoso  overflowing 

mat 
loats   down   his   neck  and   clusters 

round  his  hat- 
Why  do  you  think  he  goes  about  like 

that  ? 

rom  force  of  habit  ?  Bless  your  silly 

heart, 

'his  is  the  very  sinews  of  his  art ; 
jive  him  a  hair-cub  and  he  's  in  the 

cart. 


Yet,  though  some  help  is  patently 

required 
By  those  whose  locks  leave  much  to  be 

desired, 
Not  being  there,  or  l>eing  there,  but 

tired, 

You  need  not  fear  the  springs  of  song 

are  shut, 
Not  though  you  'vo  had  the  precious 

tresses  cut ; 
Try  some  of  Hixx's  HAIR-OIL  FOB  THE 

NUT! 


'•  Lord  Russe  is  at  once  a  soldier,  a  scientist, 
and  a  musician  ;  and  thoac  who  were  {iraaent  at 
his  wedding  at  Clumber  will  remember  that  at 
his  request  Beethoven's  '  Hallelujah  Chonu  ' 
when  ho  and  his  bri'le  left  the 


This  is  certainly  a  testimony  to  the 
courage  of  the  soldier. 


"  For  nearly  three-quarters  of  an  hour  the 
tiro  blazed  without  any  real  abatement,  and  it 
was  only  when  it  had  burned  itself  out  that 
there  was  any  diminution  in  the  intensity  of 
the  flames." — l>undet  Adrtrtuer. 

Then   the  keen   intellects  of  Scotland 
noticed  it  at  once. 


314 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI  [NOVEMBER  l,  1911. 


THE    DOCTOR. 

"  MAY  I  look  at  my  watch?"  I  asked 
my  partner,  breaking  a  silence  which 
luul  lasted  from  the  beginning  of  the 
waltz. 

"Oh,  have  you  got  a  watch? "she 
drawled.  "  How  exciting  !  " 

"  I  wasn't  going  to  show  it  to  you,' 
I  said.  "  But  I  always  think  it  looks 
so  bad  for  a  man  to  remove  his  arm 
from  a  lady's  waist  in  order  to  look 
at  his  watch — I  mean  without  some 
sort  of  apology  or  explanation.  As 
though  ho  were  wondering  if  he  coulc 
possibly  stick  another  five  minutes  o:' 
it." 

"  Let  me  know  when  the  apology  is 
beginning,"  said  Miss  White.  Perhaps 
after  all,  her  name  wasn't  White,  hut 
anyhow,  she  was  dressed  in  white,  anc 
it 's  her  own  fault  if  wrong  impressions 
arise. 

"  It  begins  at  once.  I  've  got  to 
catch  a  train  home.  There  's  one  at 
12.45,  I  believe.  If  I  started  now  I 
could  just  miss  it." 

"  You  don't  live  in  these  Northern 
Heights  then  ?  " 
"  No.    Do  you  ?  " 
"  Yes." 

I  looked  at  my  watch  again. 

"  I  should  love  to  discuss  with  you 

j  the  relative  advantages  of  London  and 

I  Greater  London,"  I  said ;    "  the  flats 

|  and  cats  of  one  and  the  big  gardens  of 

the   other.     But  just   at  the  moment 

the  only  thing  I  can  think  of  is  whether 

I  shall  like  the  walk  home.     Are  there 

any  dangerous  passes  to  cross  ?  " 

"  It 's  a  nice  wet  night  for  a  walk," 
said  Miss  White  reflectively. 

"  If  only  I  had  brought  my  bicycle." 
"  A  watch  and  a  bicycle  !     You  arc 
lucky !  " 

"  Look  here,  it  may  be  a  joke  to  you, 
but  I  don't  fancy  myself  coming  down 
the  mountains  at  night." 

"  The  last  train  goes  at  one  o'clock, 
if  that 's  any  good  to  you." 

"  All  the  good  in  the  world,"  I  said 
joyfully.  "Then  I  needn't  walk."  I 
looked  at  my  watch.  "  That  gives  us 
five  minutes  more.  I  could  almost  tell 
you  all  about  myself  in  the  time. 

"It    generally     takes    longer   than 
that,"   said   Miss    White.     "At    least 
it  seems  to."     She  sighed  and  added, 
"My  partners   have  been   very   auto- 
biographical to-night." 
I  looked  at  her  severely. 
"  I  'm  afraid  you  're  a  1 
I  said. 

As  soon  as  the  next  dance  began  I 
hurried  off  to  find  my  hostess.     I  had 
just  caught  sight  of  her,  when — 
"  Our  dance,  isn't  it  ?  "  said  a  voice. 
I  turned  and  recognised  a  girl   in 
blue. 


you're  a  Suffragette," 


"  Ah,"  I  said,  coldly  cheerful,  "  I  was 
just  looking  for  you.  Come  along." 

We  broke  into  a  gay  and  happy- 
step,  suggestive  of  twin  hearts  utterly 
free  from  care. 

"  Why  do  you  look  so  thoughtful  ?  " 
asked  the  girl  in  blue  after  ten  minutes 
of  it. 

"  I  've  just  heard  some  good  news," 
I  said. 

"Oh,  do  tell  me!  " 

"  I  don't  know  if  it  would  really 
interest  you." 

"  I  'm  sure  it  would/' 

"  Well,  several  miles  from  here  there 
may  be  a  tram,  if  one  can  find  it,  which 
goes  nobody  quite  knows  where  up  till 
one-thirty  in  the  morning  probably.  It 
is  now,"  I  added,  looking  at  my  watch 
(I  was  [getting  quite  good  at  this), 
"just  on  one  o'clock  and  raining  hard. 
All  is  well." 

The  dance  over,  I  searched  in  vain 
for  my  hostess.  Every  minute  I  took 
out  my  watch  and  seemed  to  feel  that 
another  tram  was  just  starting  off  to 
some  unknown  destination.  At  last  I 
could  bear  it  no  longer  and,  deciding  to 
write  a  letter  of  explanation  on  the 
morrow,  I  dashed  off. 

My  instructions  from  Miss  White 
with  regard  to  the  habitat  of  trams 
(thrown  in  by  her  at  the  last  moment 
in  case  the  train  failed  me)  were  vague. 
Five  minutes'  walk  convinced  me  that 
I  had  completely  lost  any  good  that 
they  might  ever  have  been  to  me. 
Instinct  and  common  sense  were  the 
only  guides  left.  I  must  settle  down 
to  some  heavy  detective  work. 

The  steady  rain  had  washed  out  any 
footprints  that  might  have  been  of 
assistance,  and  I  was  unable  to  follow 
up  the  slot  of  a  tram  conductor  of 
which  I  had  discovered  traces  in 
Two-hundred-and-fifty-first  Street.  In 
Three  -  thousand  -  eight  -  hundred  -  and 
ninety-seventh  Street  I  lay  with  my 
ear  to  the  ground  and  listened  in- 
tently, for  I  seemed  to  hear  the  ting- 
ting  of  the  electric  ear,  but  nothing 
came  of  it ;  and  in  Four-millionth 
Street  I  made  a  new  resolution.  I 
decided  to  give  up  looking  for  trams 
and  to  search  instead  for  London — 
the  London  that  I  knew. 

I  felt  pretty  certain  that  I  was  still 
in  one  of  the  Home  Counties,  and  I 
did  not  seem  to  remember  having 
crossed  the  Thames,  so  that  if  only  I 
could  find  a  star  which  pointed  to  the 
south  I  was  in  a  fair  way  to  get  home. 
I  set  out  to  look  for  a  star ;  with  the 
natural  result  that,  having  abandoned 
all  hope  of  finding  a  man,  I  immedi- 
ately ran  into  him. 

"  Now  then,"  he  said  good-naturedly. 
"  Could  you  tell  me  the  way  to " 

tried     to     think     of     some    place 


near  my  London — "to  Westminster 
Abbey?" 

He  looked  at  me  in  astonishment. 
His  feeling  seemed  to  bo  that  I  was  too 
late  for  the  Coronation  and  too  early 
for  the  morning  service. 

".Or — or  anywhere,"  I  said  hurriedly. 
"  Trams,  for  instance." 

He  pointed  nervously  to  the  right 
and  disappeared. 

Imagine  my  joy;  there  were  tram- 
lines, and  better  still  a  tram  approach- 
ing. I  tumbled  in,  gave  the  conductor 
a  penny,  and  got  a  workman's  ticket 
in  exchange.  Ten  minutes  later  we 
reached  the  terminus. 

I  had  wondered  where  we  should 
arrive,  whether  Gray's  Inn  Eoad  or 
Southampton  Bow,  but  didn't  much 
mind  so  long  as  I  was  again  within 
reach  of  a  cab.  However,  as  soon  as  I 
stepped  out  of  the  tram,  I  knew  at 
once  where  I  was. 

"Tell  me,"  I  said  to  the  conductor; 
"  do  you  now  go  back  again  ?  " 

"In  ten  minutes.  There's  a  tram 
from  here  every  half-hour." 

"When  is  the  last?" 

"There's  no  last.  Backwards  and 
forwards  all  night." 

I  should  have  liked  to  stop  and 
sympathise,  but  it  was  getting  late.  I 
walked  a  hundred  yards  up  the  hill 
and  turned  to  the  right.  ...  As  I 
entered  the  gates  I  could  hear  the 
sound  of  music. 

"  Isn't  this  our  dance  ?  "  I  said  to 
Miss  White,  who  was  taking  a  breather 
at  the  hall  door.  "  One  moment,"  I 
added,  and  I  got  out  of  my  coat  and 
umbrella. 

"  Is  it  ?     I  thought  you'd  gone." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  decided  to  stay  after 
all.  I  found  out  that  the  trams  go  all 
night." 

We  walked  in  together. 

"  I  won't  be  more  autobiographical 
than  I  can  help,"  I  said,  "  but  I  must 
say  it 's  a  hard  life,  a  doctor's.  One  is 
called  away  in  the  middle  of  a  dance 
to  a  difficult  case  of — of  mumps  or 
something,  and — well,  there  you  are. 
A  delightful  evening  spoilt.  If  one 
is  lucky  one  may  get  back  in  time  for  a 
waltz  or  two  at  the  end. 

"  Indeed,"  I  said,  as  we  began  to 
dance;  "at  one  time  to-night  I  quite 
thought  I  wasn't  going  to  get  back 
here  at  all."  A.  A.  M. 

From  a  book  catalogue : 

"HALL  CAIXE,  TWO  -LETTERS,  both  on  note- 
paper  stamped  '  Greeba  Castle,  Isle  of  Man  '  ; 
one  is  typewritten  to  a  builder  asking  him  to  do 
some  repairs  and  bears  Hall  Game's  signature  ; 
the  other  is  written  by  Hall  Caine  to  the  same 
builder  saying  he  encloses  his  cheque." 
No  offers  from  us.  But  we  would  gladly 
have  bought  the  builder's  letter  if  Mr. 
CAINE  hadn't  enclosed  the  cheque. 


NOVEMBER  1,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  315 


THE    APPEAL    AD    HOMINEM. 

IJKINl!    THE    NEW    METIIOli    OK    ADVERTISEMENT    11V    I'llo  I  in.  IIAI'II  V. 

(I,' i  ,"-",11'       -I//VS       /ll/ixl/      l/illl/l/l',      III'     MI'  -il      hi  III'.      I'' 


S  -E   SAYS  THAT  MESSRS.  ToMKINSON's   LATEST  AltT  WALL-PAPEIW 
ARE  THE   DAINTIEST  THINGS   SHE  HAS   EVEIl  .SEEN. 


SHE    REFRESHES    HERSELF    WITH    A   l.I.Ass   IIF   jENKlNt'    HELICIOUS 
EKFKRVKSCINU,    KOS-IXTOXH  A  I  IMi   JIEliBAI.   I1KER. 


SHE   INSPECTS  SOME  OF  THE  LATEST  SCPE11B  DESIGNS  IN  ARTISTIi! 
JEWELLERY      AT      THE      MAGNIFICENT     ESTABLISHMENT      OF      Till 

CRYSTALLITE  DIAMOND  Co., 


»M>    SELEITS    A    90    H.P.    CAR-DE-LUXE    FKOM    THE    rNRIVALU 
1-01.I.EITION    IHSI'LAYED    IN   THE  sTITKNIXifS  SHOW-RWMS  OK  TH« 

MAMMOTH  MOTOR  Co. 


316 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  i.  1911. 


Caralry  N.C'.O.  "Wai's  lau  I  'EAR  ABOUT  YOU  'AVIS'  BSEN  SEEN  WALKIN'  DOWN  REGENT  STREET  WITH  A  HOEDINAEY  HIXFANTRY 
FOOT-SLOGGER!"  Trooper.  "  IT  WAS  MY  BROTHER.  " 

N.C.O.  "BROTHER  BE  BLOWED!    AIN'T  THERE  NO  BACK  .STREETS,  AIN'T  THERE  NO  PUBLIC-'OUSES,  IN  LONDON?" 


A   FAILURE   OF  SYMPATHY. 

WHEN  the  dead  leaves  adown  the  lane  are  hurried, 
And  all  the  dells  are  bare  and  bonfires  srnoke, 

The  bard  (by  rights)  should  be  extremely  worried, 
He  ought  not  to  evolve  a  single  joke, 
But  wander,  woods  among,  a  pale  down-hearted  bloke. 

And  I  (of  old)  have  felt  the  chestnuts  patter 

Like  sound  of  nails  upon  my  coffin-lid  ; 
My  landlady,  disturbed  about  the  matter, 

Asked  if  I  liked  my  food ;  I  said  I  did ; 

But  told  her  where  I  ailed,  and  why  Joy's  face  was  hid. 

"  The  flowers,"  I  said,  "  are  gone ;  once  more  Proserpina 

Is  rapt  by  Pluto  to  the  iron  gates  ; 
Can  even  hard-boiled  eggs  prolong  the  chirp  in  a 

Poetic  bosom  at  such  awful  dates  ?  " 

And  she  said  nothing,  but  removed  the  breakfast-plates. 

But  now  (I  know  not  why)  I  feel  quite  jolly ; 
The  ways  are  thick  with  mire,  the  woods  are  sere ; 

The  rain  is  falling,  I  have  lost  my  brolly, 
Yet  still  my  aptitude  for  song  and  cheer 
Seems  unaffected  by  the  damp.     It 's  deuced  queer. 

And  when  I  wander  by  the  leafless  spinneys 
I  notice  as  a  mere  phenomenon 

The  way  they  've  moulted  ;  I  would  give  two  guineas 
To  feel  the  good  old  thrill,  but  ah,  it 's  gone  : 
I  neither  weep  nor  tear  my  hair ;  I  just  move  on. 

I  quite  enjoy  my  meals  (it  seems  like  treason) ; 

Far  other  was  the  case  in  days  of  yore, 
When  every  mood  of  mine  subserved  the  season — 


Mirth  for  the  flowery  days,  and  mirth  no  more 
When  Summer  ended  and  her  garlands  choked  the  floor. 

You  bid  me  take  my  fill  of  joy,  dear  reader, 
And  hang  repining !  but  I  dread  my  bliss  ; 

If  I  can  prove  myself  a  hearty  feeder, 

Saying  to  tea-shop  fairs,  "  Two  crumpets,  Miss," 
What  time  Demeter's  daughter  feels  that  icy  kiss, 

Shall  I  be  some  day  cold  to  Nature's  laughter  ? 
Shall  I  no  longer  leap  and  shout  and  sing 

And  shake  with  vernal  odes  the  echoing  rafter, 
When  at  the  first  warm  flush  of  amorous  Spring 
The  woodlands  shine  again  ?    That  would  be  sickening. 

EVOB. 

The  World's  Workers. 

"During  the  52  years  Parsons  has  been  at  the  Round  Tower  there 
has  never  been  an  accident.  It  is  his  duty  to  hoist  the  flag  at  sunrise 
and  haul  it  down  at  sunset." — Daily  Telegraph. 

A  very  perilous  duty.  His  luck  seems  to  have  been 
phenomenal. 

From  a  Candidate's  address  as  advertised  in  the  Kent 
Argus  : — 

"LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN, — You  will  see  from  the  above  memorial 
that  I  have  been  requested  to  offer  myself  as  a  candidate,  and  I  have 
consented  to  do  so,  relying  on  your  support.  If  elected,  I  shall  study 
the  best  interests  of  Ramsgate  as  a  whale,  acting  independently,  with- 
out fear  or  favour. — Truly  yours,  HENRY  BASTES." 

Mr.  BASTES  takes  his  candidature  seriously.  In  bis  spare 
time  he  might  study  the  best  interests  of  Pegwell  Bay  as  a 
shrimp,  and  those  of  Margate  as  a  mackerel.  He  mustn't 
be  an  independent  whale  all  the  time. 


TENANTS'    FIXTURES. 


MB.   WINSTON   CHURCHILL.  "  CONGEATULATIONS,    MY    DEAR    BOY.       YOU    CAN    TAKE    OVEB 
THE    STRIKE    PROBLEM." 

ME. -McKENNA.  "THANKS  SO  MUCH;     AND   YOU   CAN   HAVE  BERESFORD." 


i,j(9llo_         1'UNCII,   Oil   Till-:   LONDON   CHARIVAIII. 


319 


ESSENCE     OF     PARLIAMENT. 

K.vrit.M-iKii  i  KOM    nil;  DIAIIV  UK  Tmiv,   M.I'. 


AT  THE    HALSBURY   CLUB. 

Sir  E.  Cumon.    "  Shure,  the  bhoys  'II  be  liere  dhirectla — they  're  an  khoen  an  nilm-l.nl  ! ' 


House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  October 
24. — Considering  inconvenience  of  Au- 
tumn sessions,  the  strain  on  Ministers, 
the  upsetting  of  business  and  domestic 
arrangements  among  private  Members, 
attendance  surprisingly  large.  Among 
notable  absentees  were  WINSTON  and 
McKENNA,  who  on  eve  of  re-opening 
Parliament  have,  to  general  surprise 
and  some  mystification,  exchanged 
offices.  It's  what  HALSRUKY,  if  his 
mind  were  not  engrossed  by  let  tier 
themes,  would  call  "  a  sort  of "  thimble- 
rigging  business.  You  lift  a  thimble 
labelled  Admiralty  expecting  to  find 
McKENNA,  and  behold  WINSTON  en- 
deavouring to  master  one  of  the  things 
that  baffled  the  Prophet  AOUB,  to  wit, 
the  way  of  a  ship  on  the  sea.  Another 
thimble  labelled  Home  Office.  Pick  it 
up  looking  for  WINSTON  attempting  to 
square  Labour  Members,  and  lo !  the 
dome-like  head  of  McKENNA. 


Members  scan  Front  Opposition 
Bench  in  vain  for  glimpse  of  COLONEL 
CARSON,  K.C.  Before  SPEAKER  took 
Chair  speculation  rife  as  to  whether 
learned  and  gallant  gentleman  would 
appear  in  khaki.  Didn't  appear  at 
all.  Rumoured  that  he  has  already 
started  on  that  march  to  Cork  destined 
to  eclipse  the  crowning  achievement  of 
Lord  ROBERTS  of  Kandahar  thirty- 
one  years  ago.  No  reliable  informa- 
tion forthcoming.  Irish  press  strictly 
censored. 

Two  notable  new  Members  sworn 
in.  T.  W.  RUSSELL,  after  his  some- 
thing more  than  twelve  months  en- 
forced absence,  comes  back  to  scene  of 
varied  experience  and  general  advance- 
ment, prize  of  sheer  capacity.  In  pause 
that  fell  on  House  while  he  stood  at 
Table  taking  the  oath  there  was  heard 
from  Ladies'  Gallery  artless  enquiry: 
"  I  wonder  on  which  side  lie  will  take 


his  seat  this  time."  Which  shows 
afresh  how  misleading  is  a  little 
learning.  True,  T.  W.  has,  like  olhsn, 
been  during  last  twenty-five  years 
something  of  a  Parliamentary  vagr<un. 
But  though  without  a  seat  of  late  he 
lias  meanwhile  held  useful  office  in 
Irish  Government  and  returns  to  safe 
anchorage  on  Treasury  Bench. 

New  Member  for  Kilmarnock,  ad- 
vancing to  Table  to  re-enter  on  roll  of 
Parliament  an  historic  name,  greeted 
by  sustained  burst  of  cheering  from 
Liberal  camp.  When  the  young  head 
of  the  House  of  GLADSTONE  first  offered 
himself  as  Candidate  for  Kilmarnock 
objection  was  taken  that  what  was 
wanted  was  a  bom  Scotchman  — 
like  REES,  for  example.  To-day  the 
new  Member  emphasised  his  nationality 
by  taking  the  oath  in  Scottish  fashion, 
with  right  hand  uplifted. 

Preliminaries  disposed  of,  PREMIER 


320 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAK1VARI. 


[NOVEMBER  1,  1911. 


moved  Resolution  practically  appropri- 
ating whole  time  of  supplementary 
session  for  Government  business. 
When  he  concluded,  having  indicated, 
in  addition  to  Insurance  Bill,  catalogue 
of  measures  sufficient,  according  to 
old-fashioned  notions,  for  length  of 
ordinary  session,  a  still  small  voica  was 
heard  enquiring,  "  Does  the  Eight  lion. 
Gentleman  propose  to  take  the  Public 
Health  (Acquisition  of  Water)  Bill?" 

It  was  LEIF  JONES,  on  whose  shoulders 
has  fallen  the  cloak  of  champion  of 
water-drinkers  dropped  from  the  genial 
hands  of  WILFRID  LAWSON.  Boar  of 
laughter  that  followed  put  House  in 
good  humour  for  next  half-hour. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR,  rising  to  reply  to 
PREMIER'S  speech,  was  greeted  by  loud 
cheers  from  Opposition  benches,  hilari- 
ously echoed  in  Ministerial  camp. 
Perhaps  just  as  well  CARSON  tarried 
by  the  .way  and  so  was  spared  sight 
and  sound  of  this  ovation.  HARRY 
CHAPLIN,  whom  everyone  is  delighted 
to  see  in  beaming  health,  shone  with  a 
smile  broad  enough  to  fill  any  temporary 
vacancies  on  the  Bench. 

Business  done. — PREMIER  obtains  all 
time  up  till  Christmas  for  Government 
Business.  A  propos,  LLOYD  GEORGE 
tells  story  of  farmer  remonstrated  with 
because  he  fed  his  pigs  on  unboiled 
Indian  corn.  It  was  pointed  out  to  him 
that  boiled  corn  takes  less  time  to  digest. 
"  As  if  time  were  any  matter  to  a  pig !  " 
replied  the  farmer  scornfully.  It  is 
something  to  the  House  of  Commons, 
though  you  might  not  always  think  so. 

Wednesday. — House  regards  with 
mixed  feeling  announcement  of  EM- 
XIOTT'S  acceptance  of  Peerage,  in- 
volving retirement  from  Chair  of  Com- 
mittees filled  by  him  during  past  six 
years  with  rare  distinction.  The 
canopied  SPEAKER'S  Chair  looms  high 
above  the  plainer  one  on  which  his 
Deputy  ssats  himself  at  the  table 
when  House  is  in  Committee.  While 
its  dignity  is  higher,  its  responsibility 
greater,  it  is  in  some  respects  less 
thorny  in  the  cushion.  The  consti- 
tutional axiom  that  the  KING  can  do  no 
wrong  appertains  in  considerable  degree 
to  the  occupant  of  the  SPEAKER'S 
Chair.  On  the  contrary  the  conviction 
deeply  rooted  in  the  mind  of  a  large 
class  of  Members  is  that  the  CHAIRMAN 
OF  COMMITTEES  can  do  nothing  right. 

Thus  handicapped,  and  lacking  sup- 
port of  immemorial  traditions  that  are 
girt  about  the  SPEAKER'S  Chair,  the 
CHAIRMAN  OF  COMMITTEES  has  night 
after  night  to  fight  for  his  own  hand. 
For  its  successful  administration  the 
position  requires  profound  knowledge 
of  procedure,  a  clear  head,  lucidity  of 
expression,  unruffled  temper.adamantine 
patience  and  invulnerable  courage. 


These  qualities  meet  in  the  endow- 
ments of  ALFRED  EMMOTT  and  have 
won  for  him,  conceded  at  first  a  little 
grudgingly,  the  confidence  and  esteem 
of  the  most  critical  and  exacting  as- 
sembly in  the  world. 

Business  done. — Time-table  arranged 
for  disposing  of  Insurance  Bill.  In 
pithy  sentence  ARCHER-SHEB  summed 
up  present  position  of  the  measure, 
"Even  the  Stygian  eloquence  of  the 
CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  him- 
self," he  said,  "  has  not  been  able  to 
whitewash  the  white  elephant  entirely." 
House  cordially  recognised  in  this  way 
of  putting  it  the  stitch  in  time  that 
hits  the  right  nail  on  the  head. 


"  '  It 's  nothing  like  a  Murder-Club,  is  it  ? '  " 

Friday. — Quite  pretty  to  see  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  and  COLONEL  CARSON,  K.C., 
seated  together  on  Front  Bench  amic- 
ably conversing  just  as  if  there  had 
never  been  such  a  thing  as  the  Halsbury 
Club.  SARK  tells  me  it  was  of  that 
they  talked,  though  which  of  the  two 
communicated  to  him  the  text  of  the 
conversation  is  one  of  those  things  I 
may  never  learn. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR,  according  to  this 
authority,  displayed  liveliest  interest 
in  the  new  institution. 

"  It 's  nothing  like  a  Murder-Club, 
is  it  ?  "  he  asked.  "  They  meet,  you 
know,  at  odd  times  in  secret  places, 
discuss  the  latest  crime,  speculate 
on  trail  of  murderer  if  not  yet 
discovered,  and  occasionally  plot  the 
removal  of  a  common  acquaintance 
who  in  some  respects  fails  to  come  up 
to  the  high  level  of  their  standard  of 


excellence.  I  am  a  child  in  these 
matters.  But  I  have  been  told  that 
the  Halsbury  Club  is  based  on  revival 
of  good  old-fashioned  English  manners. 
At  their  social  meetings  they  live  the 
simple  life.  Have  no  tablecloth  on 
their  deal  supper-table ;  drink  English 
beer  out  of  tankards  ;  smoke  clay  pipes 
(the  President  being  distinguished  by 
use  of  a  churchwarden) ;  feed  mostly 
on  bread  and  cheese,  with  an  occasional 
dish  of  tripe,  it  being  stipulated  that 
the  wrinkles,  which  I  understand  are 
peculiar  to  that  form  of  cutlet,  shall 
not  have  been  smoothed  out  by  use  of 
foreign  machinery." 

"  You  are  altogether  wrong,"  said  the 
COLONEL,  fingering  imaginary  epaulet 
on  his  left  shoulder.  "There  is  pos- 
sibly a  scintillation  of  actuality  in 
the  idea  of,  in  certain  circumstances, 
putting  someone  out  of  the  way.  The 
rest  is  idle  tattle.  I  confess  there  is 
something  picturesque  in  idea  of  HALS- 
BURY  with  stem  of  a  churchwarden  in 
his  mouth  and  a  tankard  of  beer  at  his 
elbow,  but  we  have  not  realized  it  yet. 

"  Fact  is  the  Halsbury  Club  is 
composed  exclusively  of  statesmen 
'  who  feel  they  are  capable  of  directing 
affairs  of  the  Unionist  Party  better 
than — well,  let  us  say  better  than  LANS- 
DOWNE.  You  know  the  sort  of  men 
they  are.  There  is  HALSBUHY,  whose 
claims  upon  the  gratitude  of  the  State 
for  service  done  are  equalled  only  by 
those  established  in  the  domestic  circle ; 
NORTHUMBERLAND,  one  of  the  most  in- 
telligent of  our  Dukes ;  and,  above  all, 

WlLLOUGHBY  DE  BROKE. 

"Now  there's  an  all-round  states- 
man if  you  like.  I  know  more  about 
military  affairs  and  forced  marching 
across  country  than  of  politics.  But  I 
confess  that  when  I  hear  WILLOUGHBY 
speak  in  the  Lords,  or  read  reports  of 
his  addresses  in  the  country,  I  recognise 
a  rare  amalgam  combining  the  over- 
whelming oratorical  force  of  GLADSTONE 
with  the  subtlety  and  statesmanship 
of  DIZZY.  WILLOUGHBY,  you  know,  is 
the  founder  of  the  club  and  personally 
conducts  it.  That  of  itself  suffices  to 
ensure  success  and  the  accomplishment 
of  its  patriotic  desire." 

"Dear  me,"  said  PRINCE  ARTHUR, 
"  you  interest  me  strangely.  I  suppose 
the  list  of  membership  is  not  closed  ? 
If  you  think  I  'm  in  any  way  eligible 
I  should  esteem  it  a  privilege  to  be 
favoured  by  your  undertaking  to  pro- 
pose me." 

"I  '11  ask  WILLOUGHBY,"  said  CARSON, 
rising  rather  hurriedly  and  making  for 
the  door. 

"  Do,"  said  PRINCE  ARTHUR.  "  Per- 
haps he  '11  second  the  nomination." 

Business  done. — Insurance  Bill  in 
Committee. 


i,  i9n.] 


THK    LONDON   CMAIMVAUI. 


\ 


Unless  cur  artist's  eyes  played  him 
under  the  Influence.     The  eager,  " 
one  origin.     (Please  note  also  tlie  „ 
CHUKI-HILL'S  world-famous  Midget 


THE   WINSTON    TOUCH. 

-•>-.-         -  ~™?  d""«g  »  I'asty  visit  to  Portsmouth,   it  would  apiiear  tliat  the  Service  is  already  coming 
K-,  urn  etuoMs,  lunging  crouch  which  has  developed  in  Naval  circles  during  the  last  few  day.  could' have  hut 
ic  advent   en  the  right,  ot   the  new  "  Kantan. ''  cocked-hat,  which  is  plainly  a  nattering  imitation  of  Mr. 
rtoiuburg.     It  will,  of  course,  be  universally  adopted  as  soon  as  arrangements  can  lie  made  for  iu  supply.) 


CO-OPERATION. 

(As  recited  by  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER.) 

WHEN  the  Opposition  promised  to  co-operate  with  me 
I  intoned  a  Ntmc  Dimittis  in  the  fervour  of  my  glee  ; 
For  the  odds  on  my  Insurance  Bill  went  up  to  ten  to  one 
(Which  was  offered  with  no  takers),  and  I  thought  my  task 
was  done. 

"This,"  they  said,  "is  not  the  usual  controversial  party- 
measure  : 

It's  an  asset  for  the  nation  ;  it's  a  blessing;  it's  a  treasure; 
It 's  salvation  for  the  masses — so  we  fully  understand— 
And  in  making  it  a  statute  we  propose  to  lend  a  hand. 

"  For  the  men  who  draw  the  water  and  the  men  who  chop 

the  wood 

We  observe  in  all  its  clauses  an  infinity  of  good. 
Oh,  we  envy  you  your  courage  and  we  much  applaud  your 

deeds 
And  your  statesmanlike  perception  of  the  things  the  country 

needs." 

So  they  promised  me  the  sun  and  moon  and  every  golden 

star ; 

Grave  me  roses  by  the  basketful  and  honey  by  the  jar. 
There  was  nought  they  could  refuse  me,  there  was  nought 

I  couldn't  be 

When  the  Opposition  offered  to  co-operate  with  me. 
-::•  -::-  x  -;:•  -;:•  *  •::• 

But,  lo,  the  dreadful  difference !  To-day  they  give  me  fits ; 
They  would  dearly  like  to  take  and  tear  the  blessed  Bill 

to  bits. 


i  Oil,  it 's  thorns  instead  of  roses,  and  it  'a  gall  instead  of 

honey 

For  the  man  who  "  bribes  the  nation  by  his  base  appeals 
to  money." 

j  But  I  know  them — yes,  I  know  them  ;  and  when  once  the 

Bill  is  through, 

!  When  the  Act 's  alive  and  working  in  the  way  we  meant  it  to, 
Then  I  somehow  seem  to  see  them  (please  remember  that 

I  said  it) 
,  As  they  stand  upon  their  platforms  laying  claim  to  all  the 

credit. 

They  will  say,  "  When  he  was  weary  and  could  hardly  piny 

his  part, 
We  restored  his  drooping  courage,  ire  revived  his  flagging 

heart ; 

It  was  we  who  cheered  and  helped  him,  and  indubitably  we 
Gave   the  Act   its    shape   and   substance   and   its   merit. 

Q.E.D."  

Woman  the   Huntress. 

"A  i.  KM  i  K.MAV  thoroughly  recommends  his  Coachman;  lifeexivMirnoc- 
with  hunters  ;  married  when  suited." — Adrt.  in  "  Morning  PMI. 

We  like  his  spirit. 


"  .NYophohia  in  its  most  acute  form  now  assailed  the  Iwtamrn. 
Ifc-antiful  picture  post-card  strokes  gave  place  to  agrestic  digs,  which 
left  the  flight  of  the  Kill  and  the  total  alike  unaltered.  Though  m. 
one  was  actually  guilty  of  a  uniglohular  effort,  wickets  fell  rapidly." 

Tuna  of  India. 

The  Indian  cricketers  were  said  to  have  come  over  here 
to  learn,  and  they  seem  to  have  picked  up  a  good  deal. 


saa 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  1,  1911. 


THE    ANTIQUE    CLOCK. 

I  HAVE  a  deep -rooted  horror  of 
auctioneers,  at  least  in  their  public 
capacity.  Of  their  private  life  I  cannot 
speak  with  any  authority,  but  I  have  a 
confirmed  belief  that  when  the  head  of 
the  family  returns  from  the  heat  of  the 
day  and  prepares  to  ladle  out  the  soup 
his  face  will  suddenly  brighten,  and  in 
a  great  voice,  flourishing  the  spoon  the 
while,  he  will  remark,  "Ladies  and 
gents,  what  offers?"  only  to  subside 
at  a  glance  from  his  wife  into  a  gloomy 
silence. 

Sometimes  I  have  fluttered  for  a  few- 
brief  moments  on  the  fringe  of  the 
bidders,  but  never  without  instantly 
catching  the  auctioneer's  eye.  Possibly 
he  mistakes  my  careworn  expression 
for  genuine  concern  regarding  the  price 
less  article  in  his  hand.  "  George,"  he 
invariably  bawls  to  his  assistant,  "show 
the  fish-forks  and  knives  complete  to 
the  stout  party  in  the  top  "at."  I  hope 
for  the  best,  but  can  see  no  other  top 
hats  in  my  proximity.  George  pushes 
his  way  through  the  interested  spec- 
tators, and  I  extract  a  fork  without 
enthusiasm.  There  is  an  awkward 
pause. 

"Well,  Sir?"  cries  the  auctioneer 
with  husky  expectation. 

"  Two  shillings,"  I  murmur  with 
sullen  despair,  and  a  cold  shiver  passes 
over  me  in  case  I  am  within  reasonable 
reach  of  that  alarming  armoury. 

The  auctionesr  leans  forward,  as- 
suming a  temporary  deafness. 

"  Did  I  'ear  the  gentleman  aright, 
George?"  he  inquires,  adding  irony 
to  righteous  indignation.  "  Did  I  'ear 
'im  say  'two  bob'  for  that  'andsome 
set  of  cutlery,  hall  'a'1-marked?  Not 
two  bob,  George  ?  "  He  has  the  look 
of  a  man  prepared  for  a  strong  denial. 

I  nod  feverishly.  The  auctioneer 
shakes  his  head  with  profound  emotion 
and  looks  about  for  sympathy.  I 
begin  to  feel  an  unscrupulous  fellow. 
The  spectators  survey  me  with  mild 
curiosity. 

"  George,"  continues  the  auctioneer 
firmly,  "  bring  the  case  back.  I  was 
mistaken,  George.  The  gent  thinks, 
because  he  sports  a  top  'at,  'e  can  'ave 
'is  little  joke.  Bit  of  a  wag,  George — 
comes  in  to  waste  our  time  and  the 
time  of  la  lies  and  gentlemen  'oo  want 
to  do  bus  ness " 

He  says  much  else,  but  I  have 
reached  the  door  by  that  time  and 
gained  the  sanctuary  of  the  street.  ' 

It  was  after  dinner  Evelyn  broached 
the  subject.  There  is  an  absence  of 
fair  play  in  feminine  tactics. 

"  He '»  such  a  nice  man,"  she  said 
musingly. 

"  Nice  ?— an  auctioneer  ?     Oh,  come, 


my  dear!  you  're  facetious."  I  smiled 
in  a  superior  fashion. 

"But  his  clocks  are  outrageously 
cheap,"  she  added,  warming  to  the 
subject.  "  Of  course  one  does  not  like 
taking  advantage  of  the  man,  but  it 's 
a  chance  in  a  thousand.  Such  beauti- 
ful clocks  with  carved  doodle-dabbles 
on  the  face  and — 

"But  we  have  a  clock — lots  of  clocks. 
Why  create  a  greater  disturbance  and 
rivalry  than  at  present  ?  " 

Evelyn  sighed.  "Don't  be  silly, 
dear.  We  '11  just  run  down  to-morrow, 
and  if  we  're  first  when  the  shop  opens 
at  nine  we  '11  pick  up  the  bargain  of 
our  lives." 

It  is  hopeless  arguing  with  her  when 
she  talks  like  that. 

It  was  striking  nine  when  we  entered 
the  shop.  The  auctioneer  seemed  a 
little  surprised  as  we  bustled  in. 

After  a  few  moments'  pause,  however, 
he  stepped  behind  his  table  and  coughed 
politely  just  to  put  us  at  our  ease  and 
to  indicate  that  the  arena  was  cleared. 

"  I  think  you  said  the  antique  clock, 
Madam?"  he  remarked  briskly.  "The 
very  last — a  treasure — a  remarkably 
fine  timepiece,  eighteenth-century  style 
with  double  gongs,  three  strikes,  alarm 
and  bevelled  fingers." 

He  recited  the  full  category  of  its 
features  and  accomplishments  with  rare 
fluency. 

"  Bevelled  fingers  are  out  of  date,"  I 
said  brightly,  in  case  he  thought  we 
were  impressed,  which  we  were. 

Even  Evelyn  looked  at  me  with  pity. 

"  So  is  the  clock,  Sir,"  responded  the 
auctioneer  with  gentle  courtesy. 

There  are  moments  when  a  retort 
sesms  beyond  the  range  of  reason.  I 
wished  I  had  been  less  ambitious  and 
asked  where  the  cuckoo  was.  That 
would  have  taken  the  wind  out  of  his 
sails.  He  couldn't  have  known  we 
already  have  two  clocks  which  with 
varying  strikes  deliver  some  twenty 
triumphant  cuckoos  every  midnight. 

We  turned  again  to  business. 

"Now,  Madam,"  resumed  the  auc- 
tionesr,  "as  there  appears  to  be  no 
competition ' ' 

"I  beg  your  pardon,"  broke  in  a 
voice  from  a  wardrobe,  "but  I  want 
that  clock." 

"It  is  no  real  use  to  a  wardrobe,"  I 
said  firmly. 

But  at  that  moment  a  stout,  dis- 
tinguished lady  appeared  round  the 
corner  and  eyed  us  in  a  melancholy 
fashion. 

Evelyn  started. 

"  Be  calm,"  I  whispered,  fearing 
she  would  fell  her  with  the  family 
umbrella. 

"Come,  come,  Madam,"  said  the 
auctioneer  with  polite  remonstrance 


addressed  to  the  new-comer;  "there  is 
a  selection  of  other  articles  very  ser- 
viceable and  inexpensive.  This  lady 
particularly  desires  the  clock  ;  it  is  the 
very  last."  His  conclusion  was  a  fine 
touch  of  pathos,  but  hardly  diplomatic. 

"  I  want  tho  clock,"  repeated  the 
distinguished  lady  with  heavy  deter- 
mination. 

The  auctioneer  shrugged  his  shoul- 
ders. There  was  evidently  nothing 
more  to  be  said.  But  the  glance  he 
cast  in  our  direction  clearly  showed 
where  his  sympathy  lay. 

"In  that  case,"  he  continued,  "it 
must  go  to  the  highest  bidder.  What 
shall  we  say  for  a  start  ?  I  'm  sure  I 
need  not  tell  you  of  the  exceptional 
quality  of  the  article — 

"  Spare  us  that,"  I  cried.  He  looked 
at  me  sourly  and  waited. 

There  was  a  ghastly  silence  ;  I 
mopped  my  brow. 

"  Five  shillings,"  said  Evelyn  sud- 
denly. 

"  Ten,"  from  the  stout  lady. 

"Twelve,"  snapped  Evelyn,  the  light 
of  battle  in  her  eye. 

"Fourteen,"  added  the  other  com- 
petitor monotonously. 

Evelyn  was  startled.  She  glanced 
nervously  at  me.  I  stared  fixedly  at 
the  auctioneer's  preposterous  cravat. 
I  noted  that  his  foxhead  pin  had  lost 
an  eye. 

"  Sixteen,"  cried  Evelyn,  trembling 
with  suppressed  fury. 

"  Pound  !  "  thundered  the  stout  dis- 
tinguished lady,  like  a  gale. 

"Thirty  shillings  with  the  key,"  I 
roared,  flushed  with  the  evil  ardour  of 
competition. 

"  Forty,"  from  the  stout  lady. 

I  nudged  Evelyn  casually  to  indicate 
the  psychological  moment  had  arrived. 

"  There 's  something  somewhere  by 
somebody  about  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of 
men,"  I  began  helpfully,  but  was  cut 
short,  for  Evelyn,  with  an  heroic  effort 
to  appear  unconcerned  and  in  accents 
simulating  passionless  determination, 
broke  silence.  "Forty-five,"  she  said, 
like  a  person  with  a  cold,  and  clutched 
my  arm  in  a  fevered  grasp. 

There  was  a  painful  pause. 

The  auctioneer  wore  a  smile  indica- 
tive of  nothing  at  all. 

The  stranger  had  succumbed. 

We  tried  to  look  sympathetic  as  we 
retired  with  the  antique  clock  concealed 
in  brown  paper,  and  the  accompanying 
cannon-ball  (which  during  business 
hours  careered  in  mid-air  on  a  piece  of 
string)  in  my  pocket. 

Evelyn,  dear  child,  even  went  up  to 
the  stout  lady  and  murmured  she  was 
so  sorry,  but  she  wanted  it  so  badly  to 
match  the  tea-set  or  something  else 
quite  improbable,  while  the  stout  lady 


NOVEMBER  1,  1911.]^ PUNCH.    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI 


smiled  graciously  and  without  question, 
like  a  true  sportswoman. 

We  had  a  little  dinner  and  theatre 
just  to  celebrate  the  event.  I  reckoned 
out  the  total  cost  of  the  transaction 
afterwards.  Counting  the  festivities  it 
was  in  the  region  of  three  pound  ten. 

I  remembered  that  more  acutely 
next  day.  For  I  happened  to  pass  the 
shop  at  eight-thirty,  on  my  way  to  the 
office,  and  as  a  criminal  is  said  to 
linger  about  the  precincts  of  his  crime 
I  peered  in  for  a  moment  at  the  door. 

I  admit  I  was  somewhat  startled  to 
see  a  row  of  half-a-dozen  antique  clocks 
along  the  wall,  all  assuredly  the  last. 
But  what  shocked  me  even  more  was 
the  sight  of  the  stout  lady,  no  longer 
distinguished,  but  wearing  an  apron 
and  much  occupied  in  the  final  stages 
of  dusting  the  wardrobe. 

But,  as  some  clever  person  has  said, 
there  are  things  which  even  the  best  of 
us  do  not  tell  our  wives. 


ANSWERS    TO    ENQUIRERS. 

CONJUGAL  FELICITY  —  TO  REGAIN- 
("Anxious.")  Yours,"Anxious,"isindeed 
a  knotty  problem.  You  ask  us  "If  a 
husband,  A.,  discovers  that  his  wife,  B., 
is  inclined  to  flirtation  with  C.,  a  third 
party,  what  should  A.  do  ?  Despairing 
of  finding  the  correct  answer  ourselves, 
we  have  called  in  the  assistance  of 
several  expert  dramatists  (those  unerr- 
ing judges  of  the  human  heart)  and 
now  give  you  a  selection  from  their 
replies. 

"  A.  should  simulate  a  passion  for  a 
fourth  party,  D.,  when  B.  will  at 
once  come  round,  and  C.  and  D.  can 
pair  off  together."  (Received  from 
Comedy  d-  Wyndham's.) 

"  A.  should  lure  B.  and  C.  into  the 
middle  of  an  earthquake,  when  B.  will 
confess  her  real  love  for  A.,  and  can 
then  be  rescued,  leaving  C.  to  perish." 
(A.  Collins.) 

_  "A.  should  shoot  C.,  with  the  observa- 
tion, '  You  cur,  how  many  men  have 
served  their  time  for  conduct  less 
infamous  than  yours  ! '  "  (Shoreditch.) 
Now,  "  Anxious,"  you  can  take  your 
own  choice. 

BAKKING  or  DOG — TO  PREVENT.  ("In- 
somnia.") Have  you  tried  shooting  it? 

CHRYSANTHEMUMS — CORRECT  METHOD 
OP  PINCHING.  ("  Suburban  Fancier.") 
Strictly  speaking,  there  is  no  corract 
method  ;  moreover,  if  you  are  after  the 
rarer  varieties  we  fear  you  are  now  too 
late,  as  most  of  these  are  by  this  time 
under  glass,  and  locked  up  at  night. 
A  few  of  the  late  garden  species,  how- 
ever, can  still  be  secured  with  the  aid 
of  a  dark  lantern ;  but  great  care  is 
necessary. 


Stranger  (to  bout, nan  ulio  lias  fohal  his  lull  out  of  jx>,ut).   "Do  you  KNOW  WHAT  TUE  RULE 

S  ?      Do   I   1JKO1'  AND   LOSE   ONE  ?  " 


Soatman.   ' 
FIXDS  'EM  IT  ' 


DON'T  KNOW  NUTIIIN' 

S  A   PENNY ! " 


'BOUT  THE  KUI.E  WHEN  YOU  LOUS  'EM,   BIT  WHEN  I 


IN  AND  OUT  OF  SEASON. 
IN  winter,  when  the  snow  is  white,  - 

My  crisp  and  eager  soul  bespeaks 
The  love  of  Joyce,  a  nimble  sprite 

Of  active  ways  and  rosy  cheeks. 
But  when  the  thaws  are  coming  on, 

The  snow,  if  any,  getting  grey, 
My  spirits  sink  and  thereupon 

Joyce  is  a  thing  of  yesterday. 

Lo,  April  calls  for  music !  Spring, 

For  me,  demands  a  treble  note ; 
So  ably  then  doth  Mabel  sing, 

I  love  her  simply  for  her  throat. 
But  after  several  weeks  of  it 

Her  notes  (or  I)  get  out  of  tune  ; 
And  Mabel's  proper  date  to  quit 

Is  somewhere  round  the  1st  of  June. 

One's  summer  love  should  charm  the 
eyes, 

Should  satisfy  the  keenest  sense 
Of  beauty,  and  yet  exercise 

A  cool,  refreshing  influence. 


Then  Phyllis  proves  a  restful  feast 
Of  pink  and  white,  of  dainty  fluff ; 

But,  when  the  wind  is  getting  east, 
I  feel  that  I  have  had  enough. 

Yes,  when  the  leaf  dies  on  the  tree, 

The  captious  critic  in  me  hints 
That  love's  complexion  now  should  bo 

In  keeping  with  the  autumn  tints, 
That  love  should  have  a  stouter  boot 

And  (what  is  more  important  yet) 
A  father  with  a  pheasant  shoot.  .  .  . 

This  space  (advertisement)  to  let. 


"  Theirs  not  to  Reason  Why." 
From  The  Life  Everlasting : — 
"The  will  of  each  man  or  woman  U  like  tl.. 
c  ]II]MSS   of  a  slm> — where  it   points,  the  »hi]> 
goes.     If  the  needle  directs  it  to  the  rock  then- 
is  wreck  and  disas'.er — if  to  the  oj  en  sea,  there 
is  clear  sailing." 

Evidently  the  needle  of  the  Hatoke's 
compass  pointed  to  the  Olympic. 
"  Sorry,  boys,"  said  the  captain,  "  but 
we  've  got  to  do  it." 


324 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  1, 


lose  her  and  her  son,  so  far  as  you  were 
concerned?"  .      t> 

"  It  would  be  cheap  at  the  price, 
I  admitted  warmly.    "  But  how  would 
you  manage  it  ?    I  could  not  he  a  party 

"  f  *    _  1 „  4.        Irtnr,  4-          »1/-\f 


to  the  use 


of  violence — at  least,  not 


r.  L. 

M  v  clerk  op-necl  tlie  door  quietly  and 
murmured,  "Gentleman  t' see  you,  Sir. 
I'nvatc  business.  Looks  respectable. 
Gave  me  this,  Sir." 

"  This  "  was  a  card,  rather  larger  than 
seemed  mvr-^ary,  with  a  broad  edging 
of  black.  It  said,  in  the  middle: 

"  ALBEKT  PuRDIB,  P.I 
There    was    an 

Street,  in  the  left-hand  corner  ;  in  the 
right  were  the  words  "  Privacy  and 
Satisfaction  Guaranteed." 

Speculation  as  to  the  meaning  of  P.L. 
was  cut  short  by  the  entry  of  Mr.  Purdie, , 

uninvited.     He  was  a  youngish,  san-  j  who   tired   of   Parrus  ?  "    Mr. 
guinolooking  person,  with  a  manner ',  asked    in    a    surprised    tone. 
that  suggested  greased  silk. 

"  Pardon  what  may  seem  like  an 
intrusion,"  he  said  gently.  "Hut  I 
knew  you  would  be  puzzling  over  my 


against  my  aunt." 
Mr.  Purdie  smiled. 
"  There  is  nothing  so  crude  about  our 

,.„„„.„, methods.    Our  agent,  travelling  up  with 

address,  in  Conduit  |  her  in  the  boat  train,  would  talk  her  into 
an  extended  Continental  tour.  In  fact, 
he  would  see  her  safely  to  Paris,  and 
lose  her  there." 

1  But  supposing  she  tired  of  Paris  ?  " 
'  Did  you  ever  hear  of  an  American 
-"    "      Purdie 
"Even 

then  there  are  Eome,  Venice,  Vienna, 
St.  Petersburg." 
"  I  see." 
Much    depends,    of    course,    upon 


card.     I  would  not  venture  to  take  up  •  the  personal  charm  of  our  agents.     I 
your  time,  Sir,  if  I  ware  not  certain   always  undertake   the   most   stubborn 

cases  myself." 

"  But  I  don't  understand  how  you 
could  do  all  this  for  £5,  especially  if 
you  went  yourself,  Mr.  Purdie." 

"  You  forget,  my  dear  Sir,  that  there 
are  thousands  of  people  in  London, 
every  season,  who  are  anxious  to  lose 
American  relatives  and  willing  to  pay 


that  I  could  be  of  service  to  you." 

"  In  what  way?  "  I  asked. 

"  In  a  strictly  confidential  way,"  he 
answered,  with  a  glance  in  the  direction 
of  the  clerk. 

"  You  need  not  wait,  William,"  I  said. 
He  disappeared. 


Well,"  I  asked,  "  what   is  it  you 
want,  Mr.  Purdie  ?"  j  for    the    privilege.       Our    agent    can 

"  I  would  rather  say,  what  do  you  waylay  and  deal  with  six  parties  at 
want,  Sir  ?  But  in  the  first  place  you  '  once,  personally  conducting  them  into 
probably  want  to  know  what  '  P.L.'  the  less  accessible  German  spas,  and 
stands  for."  detaining  them  there  till  their  time  is 

"  If  it  won't  take  you  too  long  to '  up  and  their  money  exhausted.  Then 
explain,"  I  said  guardedly.  He  looked  there  is  our  export  trade  also.  No 
like  a  person  with  a  slack  jaw.  doubt  you  have  a  nephew  who  declines 

"  Three  minutes,   Sir,"   Mr.   Purdie  j  either  to  work  or  to  emigrate  ?  " 
said  easily.    "  You  know  what  a  private       "  Two,"  I  admitted  ruefully, 
detective  is.    Part  of  his  business,  per-       "  We   might  make  a  reduction  for 
haps  the  least  unpleasant  part,  is  to ,  two,"  Mr.  Purdie  said  cheerfully,  "  if 


find  people  who  are  lost.  Well,  my 
firm's  business  is  just  the  converse. 
We  deal  with  people  whom  our  clients 
are  anxious  to  lose." 

"  I  'm  afraid  I  don't  quite  follow  you, 
Mr.  Purdie — and  I  'm  rather  busy  this 
morning." 

" '  P.  L. ,' "  said  Mr.  Purcl ie,  d isregarding 
my  hint, "  stands  for  Professional  Loser. 
Possibly  you  have  relatives  in  the  United 
States.  Let  us  assume  that  you  have  a 
widowed  aunt  in  New  York  with  per- 
haps a  highly  unpresentable  son.  They 
write  that  they  are  coming  to  London 
(England)  to  look  you  up,  and  hope  you 
will  be  so  vurry  kind  as  to  show  them 
your  metropolis.  You  would  not  be 
particularly  joyful  when  you  received 
this  letter." 

"Probably  not." 

"  Well,  would  it  be  worth  your  while 
to  send  us  a  note  of  your  aunt's  name 
and  description,  the  ship  she  would 
come  by,  and  a  cheque  for  £5  Tor  pre- 
liminary expenses,  if  we  undertook  to 


we  could  plant  them  out  on  the  same 
orange  farm  in  Florida.  Say  eight 
pounds  and  travelling  expenses." 

"  I  would  run  to  that  certainly. 
But  how  would  you  keep  them  from 
coming  back  ?  " 

"  Our  agent  in  Florida  would  attend 
to  that,"  Mr.  Purdie  said  importantly. 
"  He  has  had  no  failures  yet.  It  is  a 
matter  of  will-power,  entirely.  Then 
there  is  our  Club  connection.  It  is 
increasing  every  week.  Would  you 
think  it  worth  an  extra  guinea  a  year 
to  obtain  complete  protection  from 
your  Club  bore  ?  " 

"  You  mean  Colonel  Demmytol  ? 

"Precisely.  That  would  be  worth 
something,  I  am  sure.  Now,  Sir,  will 
you  put  our  system  to  the  test  ?  A  free 
sample  of  our  method  is  quite  at  your 
disposal." 

"  Thank  you,"  I  said.  "  I  accept  youi 
offer.  By  way  of  a  start,  will  you 
please  show  me  how  quickly  you  can 
lose  yourself?  " 


THE  PSYCHOLOGY  OF  ANTHRO- 
POPHAGY. 

(An  Exercise  in  the  manner  of  one  of 

the  new  "  Times  "  middle-men.) 
ON  no  subject  has  public  opinion 
gone  more  hopelessly  astray  than  that 
of  anthropophagy,  the  true  psycho- 
logical inwardness  of  which,  it  cannot 
he  too  often  reiterated,  can  only  be 
appreciated  by  those  who,  like  the 
present  writer,  have  made  practical 
trial  of  it  themselves.  The  first 
occasion  was  in  the  Solomon  Islands 
at  a  grand  corroboree,  at  which  I  was 
the  principal  guest.  The  second  time 
was  in  the  heart  of  New  Guinea,  where 
I  narrowly  escaped  forming  the  piece 
de  resistance  at  a  banquet  given  in 
celebration  of  the  introduction  of  the 
gramophone.  I  confess  that  at  the 
outset  it  was  impossible  to  overcome 
a  certain  repugnance ;  but  this  speedily 
passed  away  under  the  influence  of  the 
moral  tessitura  of  the  scene,  the  kindly 
welcome  and  weird  Uulations  of  my 
hosts,  and  the  hypnotising  magic  of  the 
tropical  surroundings.  Hostile  critics 
of  the  institution  make  a  profound 
mistake  in  imagining  that  it  implies 
my  personal  animosity  on  the  part  of 
the  anthropophagist.  Such  a  feeling 
never  enters  into  his  head.  His 
motions  are  purely  impersonal  and 
are  compatible  with  a  perfect  regard 
'or  the  greatest  happiness  of  the 
greatest  number. 

Anthropophagy  may  bo  fairly  called 
;he  chess  of  gastronomy.  It  not  only 
inlarges  tho  horizons  of  dietetic  enter- 
prise, but  it  exerts  an  emancipating 
nfluence  on  the  subliminal  conscious- 
ness. It  is  in  keeping,  moreover,  with 
the  highest  dictates  of  pragmatism, 
and  in  a  hundred  subtle  and  delicate 
ways  is  allied  to  the  philosophy  of 
M.  BERGSON.  My  experiences  in  New 
Guinea,  I  may  add,  convinced  me  of 
the  fact  that  this  practice,  so  far  from 
engendering  any  resentment  on  the 
part  of  those  who  are  its  subjects, 
positively  inflames  them  with  a  sense 
of  overwhelming  gratitude.  I  can  only 
say  in  conclusion  that  the  physical 
inconvenience  involved  is  as  nothing 
to  the  mental  anguish  and  reiterated 
irritation  of  the  beginner  at  golf. 

Besides,  as  Professor  Embruck  has 
pointed  out,  it  saves  funeral  expenses. 


Between  Two  Stools. 

"There  were  plenty  of  stags  in  the  Porlook 
Parks  oil  the  morrow  of  the  venison  feast.  l>ui 
there  was  a  thick  fox  on  tlie  hill,  and  so  it,  wan 
ditticult  to  know  what  to  do." 

We    should    have    gone   for   the    fox 
Variety  is  what  staghounds  want. 


NOVKMIIEU    1,    1911.) 


'''  \TCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CIIAIMVAUI. 


MODES   FOR    NUTS. 

TUB  LATEST  THING   is   Sim-r.BAx  HKAII-JOY. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Sta/  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
"  JOHN'S  Neverland  had  a  lagoon  with  flamingoes  flying 
over  it,  at  which  John  was  shooting,  while  Michael,  who 
was  very  small,  had  a  flamingo  with  lagoons  flying  over  it." 
How  well  J.  M.  BARBIE  understands  the  magic  of  words.  And 
how  well  he  understands  what  is  in  a  child's  mind — "  Caves 
through  which  a  river  runs,  and  gnomes  who  are  mostly 
tailors,  and  a  hut  fast  going  to  decay."  Ah,  even  now 
that  we  are  grown  up,  how  magically  these  tilings  sound 
through  a  London  fog.  Peter  and  Wendy  (HODDER  AND 
STOUGHTON)  is  not  merely  the  play  of  Peter  Pan  with 
"observed  he"  and  "  remarked  she  "  stuck  in  all  through 
to  make  it  look  like  a  book ;  it  is  packed  with  island  lore 
that  is  new  to  us.  We  learn  for  the  first  time  now  how 
the  lost  boys  tell  the  time :  they  find  the  crocodile  and 
listen  outside  him  until  the  clock  strikes.  When  Peter 
escaped  in  the  Never  bird's  nest,  having  first  carefully  put 
the  eggs  in  Starkey's  hat,  we  did  not  foresee  that  this 


methods  of  Indian  warfare  are  explained  to  us  fully  ;  how 
at  night  they  imitate  the  lonely  call  of  the  coyote— doing 
it,  in  fact,  "  even  better  than  the  coyotes,  who  are  not  very 
good  at  it."  Of  the  terrible  Hook  we  learn  a  great  deal  that 
we  had  only  guessed  before.  He  had  been  at  a  famous  pub- 
lic school,  and  even  now  the  revelation  of  his  true  name 
would  set  the  country  in  a  blaze.  In  his  last  moments 
his  thoughts  flew  back  to  his  happy  days  at  school, 
when  "his  shoes  were  right  and  his  waistcoat  was 
right  and  his  tie  was  right  and  his  socks  were  right." 
He  went  content  to  the  crocodile ;  for  ere  his  last  jump 
overboard  lie  had  stood  long  enough  on  the  hulwarks 
to  give  Peter  an  opportunity  of  helping  him  over  with  a 
foot,  and  Peter  had  availed  himself  of  that  opportunity. 
Now  that  was  distinctly  "  had  form  " — and  so  Hook  had 
the  laugh  of  poor  Peter  after  all.  Peter  had  never  been  to 
the  great  public  school.  .  .  .  Hundreds  of  thousands  will  be 
grateful  to  Mr.  BARKIE  for  this  hook.  It  is  the  whole  play, 
and  yet  so  much  more  than  the  play :  and  yet  again,  you 
might  read  it  and  think  that  there  had  never  been  a  play. 


would  set  the  fashion  among  really  smart  birds,  all  future  I  So  it  will  appeal  both  to  the  annual  pilgrims  and  to  the 
nests  being  built  in  the  conical  shape  with  a  circular  brim  I  others.  My  own  feelings"  after  reading  it  can  best  be 
on  which  the  young  chicks  take  an  airing.  Now,  too,  the  given  in  Michael's  words  :  "  I  'm  glad  of  "  Mr.  BARBIE. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMLEB  1,  1911. 


wear    the 
In 


I'mler  Western  Eyes  (METHUEN)  is  as  remarkable  as  any 
work  by  Mr.  JOSEPH  CONRAD  must  needs  be;  but  at  the 
same  time  my  impression  of  it,  after  turning  the  final 
page,  is  that  as  a  story  it  is  not  without  some  unnecessary 
iiiiJ  irritating  tricks  of  style,  which  may  wear  ' 
patience  of  a  reader  who  is  less  than  a  disciple, 
the  first  place,  the  plan  of  telling  it  partly  in  the  first 
person  and  partly  indirectly  is  made  more  confusing  by  the 
fact  that  the  end  of  the  tale  is  reached  before  the  middle. 
Thus,  after  Eazumov's  betrayal  of  the  bomb-thrower 


Hiildin,  you  have  to  take  on  faith  his  own  appearance 


as  an  exiled  revolutionary 
and  the  comrade  of  Haldin's 
sister  long  before  you  are 
permitted  to  learn  the  se- 
quence of  events  which  led 
to  this  result.  On  the  out- 
side of  the  cover  the  pub- 
lishers say  that  this  novel 
reminds  them  of  the  work 
of  TOBGENEV.  Perhaps, 
apart  from  its  Eussian 
milieu,  this  is  because  Mr. 
CONRAD  lias  written  it  in 
a  rather  broken  and  uneasy 
style  which  suggests  adap- 
tation from  some  foreign 
language.  Whether  this 
was  deliberate  or  not,  I 
regretted  it  as  tending  to 
mar  the  effect  of  what  is  an 
unusually  strong  and  mov- 
ing study  of  (to  quote  the 
author)  the  "  sustained  psy- 
chology of  a  mood."  The 
closing  scene,  in  which 
Itaziimov  makes  his  confes- 
sion and-  takes  the  rather 
horrible  consequences,  is 
as  thrilling  as  anything 
that  Mr.  CONRAD  (a  mas- 
ter of  vigorous  narrative) 
has  yet  done. 


cellence. 


The  egoism  of  musicians 
would  seem  to  be  of  two 
varieties,  not  always  easily 
distinguishable.  And  when 
I  speak  of  musicians  I 
mean  the  creative,  not  the 
executive,  kind 


body  else's.)  He  expects  of  men  and  gods  that  they  should 
bow  to  his  iiat,  and  makes  furious  protest  against  their 
behaviour  when  they  fail  to  comply  with  the  schemes  ol 
his  personal  vanity.  Lothnar  is  a  creation  of  which  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  CASTLE  may  be  justifiably  proud  ;  and  the  romance 
which  he  dominates  must,  for  freshness  of  theme,  breadth 
of  treatment  and  sincerity  of  detail,  rank  among  the  best 
achievements  of  this  accomplished  couple.  I  say  so  with 
the  greater  pleasure  because  I  thought  that  their  last 
novel,  Panther's  Cub,  was  below  their  standard  of  ex- 
Perhaps  they  were  just  working  off  some  of  the 
inferior  material  collected 
in  their  pursuit  of  an  oper- 
atic subject.  My  chief  com- 
plaint of  their  present  book 
is  that  the  commonplace 
attractions  of  that  good- 
natured  idler,  Sir  John 
Holdfast,  of  the  canting 
name,  whose  dog-like  devo 
tion  enables  the  heroine  to 
escape  from  the  tragedy  of 
her  stage  career  into  the 
shelter  of  an  existence 
scarcely  less  tragic  in  its 
isolation,  offer  too  glaring 
a  contrast  to  the  seduction 
of  hero-worship  in  the 
world  of  Art.  And  if  the 
authors  had  shown  him  as 
a  man  of  activity  and  dis- 
tinction, doing  work  that 
might  have  made  him 
thoroughly  pleased  with 
himself,  his  modesty  would 
then  have  served  as  a  subtler 
foil  to  the  egoism  of  the 
musician. 


THE  HISTORY   OF   SCIENCE. 

I.— SIR   ISAAC    NEWTON  EXPLAINING  THE  LAW  OF  GRAVITATION  TO 
GEORUE  I. 


In  Margaret  Harding 
(METHUFN),  a  study  of  life 
on  the  veldt,  PERCEVAL  GIB- 
BON gives  as  good  a  picture 
as  one  could  wish  of  the 
Boers  and  Blacks  and 
casual  Britishers  that  jostle 
against  each  other  in  that 
"suave  level  of  miles  stretch- 
ing forth,  like  a  sluggish 


sea,  to  the  skyline." 


a   story   of   strong   human 


.,]„.,,.  i™i  •  t  •  -L     t  I  •    —  t.     r  iuvc-muiinng.    .iu.<w(/ct/e(,  jiurseu  was  a  casual  -Driusner 

j  lacking  m  a  fair  conceit  of  himself      There  is  the  !  -a  consumptive  condemned  to  a  South  African  sanatorium 


afl 

,  is 
2 

tk*a  £ 

we  have  *th      double 

thetSmvof 


fl     f 
mli±     T 


* 


.L  keP*  ^  a  drunken  En8lish  doctor-  whose  wife's  life- 
A  1S  the  business  and  traSedy  ifc  was  to  tT  to  hide  his  weakness 
Art  itself,  in  from  the  eyes  of  Margaret  and  the  two  other  patients, 

al°°f~1S  a  gl'eat   b°th  of  them  men>  wifchout  deceiving  any  of  them.     And 
°    its  folowers,  running   through   the  story  is  a  curious*  example  of   the 
«  Ands°m  ^colour-problem,    with   Margaret   and   a   should  have-been 

'T        comP^er  m  The  Lost  'Zulu  chief,  educated  in  England,  as  the  chief  factors.     It 
AGNES  a      E«EETra  CfT^>  i  wil1  ^  convert  you-thatf  I  think,  is  not  intended-to 
-  .  In  :  the  belief  that  black  and  white  are  reconcilable  colours. 
tO  sacrlfice  You  wil1         down  the  book  as  you  took  it  up,  if  you  are 


even  a  womans     oiM  r    f  h  u  , 

codd  makTher    Zrn,       fY  Kfi  ^f-T  tO  h°r  he  a  white'  with  the  fixed  idea  that  they  move  from  opposite 
urn  make  tax  interpret  to  his   better  satisfaction   the  sides  of  the  hoard    in  Ufa  „.«  «,,f  t™ 


passionate  part  of  Phcedra  in  one  of  his  own  operas      (He 
might  have  been  less  inhuman  if  the  opera  had  been 


some- 


sides  of  the  board,  in  life  as  in  chess.  But  for  all  that 
it  is  a  book  to  be  read.  It  makes  you  think  imperially, 
but  humbly  as  well,  and  it  is  a  first-rate  story. 


NOVEMBER  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


327 


CHARIVARIA. 

THERE  is  a  great  deal  of  truth  in 
,he  statement  that  if  Turkey  were  to 
oin  the  Triple  Alliance  this  would 
nean  the  end  of  the  Triple  Alliance. 
There  would,  of  course,  be  four  of 
hem.  <.  * 

Mr.  BIRRELL,  addressing  the  students 
of  the  Liverpool  Collegiate  School, 
remarked  that  the  master  he  had  loved 
nost  was  his  drawing-master,  who 
nad  taught  him  nothing.  From  whom 
then  did  Mr.  BIRRELL  learn  to  draw 
hat  beautiful  picture  of  a  crimeless 
Iielaid?  .,,  .,. 


In  consequence  of  the  stric- 
tures passed  by  Mr.  Justice 
RIDLEY  on  the  conduct  of  the 
local  authorities  during  the  re- 
cent railway  strike,  the  MAYOR 
of  Lincoln  refused  to  attend 
the  Assizes  service  at  the 
Cathedral.  There  has  been 
much  speculation  as  to  which 
suffered  most  by  the  Mayor's 
absence  from  the  sacred  edifice 
— the  Judge  or  the  collection 
plate.  ..;.  :X 

After  all,  the  railwayinen  may 
not  be  going  to  rise.  Their 
wages  are  going  to  do  so  instead. 

At  the  annual  meeting  of  the 
supporters  of  the  Manchester 
Crematorium  Dr.  EMERY  JONES 
said  they  should  have  com- 
pulsory powers  to  cremate 
people.  We  could  give  them 
the  names  of  several  politicians 
to  start  on.  ...  .., 

The  Repertoire  of  Mr.  HAM- 
MERSTEIN'S  new  Opera  House 
has  been  published.  Certain 
works,  it  is  announced,  will  be 


Workmen  excavating  on  the  beach 
at  Clacton  liavo  found  the  lower  jaw 
and  backbone  of  an  elephant  and  the 


Some  experiments  conducted  by  the 
Eastern  Sea  Fisheries  Commission  go 
to  prove,  wo  are  told,  that  crabs  have 


antlers  of  a  red  deer.  This  seems  to  the  homing  instinct.  Frankly,  we  Mi 
point  to  an  ancient  precedent  for  the '  not  surprised  to  hear  that  they  poMfH 
visits  of  travelling  circuses  to  our  sea-  this  domestic  quality.  Anyoro 


side  resorts. 

The  proposal  that  the  Zoo  should  be 
removed   from   Regent's  Park 
Crystal    Palace    is  not  likely 
adopted,  but  wa  think  it  would  not  b3 
a  bad  idea  if  such  animals  as  are  used 
to  the   desert   were  sent  there  to  re- 


cuperate whenaver  they  showed  signs   Mr. 


of  home-sickness. 


was 


this  domestic  quality.  Anyoro  who 
has  come  into  c'.ose  relations  with  a 
crab  can  scarcely  fail  to  have  been 
struck  by  his  affectionate,  cling  ng  dig- 
to  the '  position.  Given  a  free  hand  he  always 

to    be  contrives  to  get  home. 

* 

Speaking  at  a  dinner  given  in  honour 
of  Sir  W.  P.  BYRNE,  of  the  1 1  • 

T.  D.  HO.IKUTSON  stated  that  it 
a  tradition  of  Urn  Home  Office 
never  to  write  an  uncivil  1' 
Is  it  not  possible'  that  lure  may 
be  found  the  explanation  of 
Mr.  CHURCHILL'S  resignation  of 
his  position  as  head  of  that 
department?  He  may  have 
found  tin;  strain  greater  than 

he  could  bear. 

*  * 

Fashionable  young  men  in 
Berlin,  we  are  told,  now  have 
portraits  of  their/Jane^*  printed 
on  their  finger  nails.  This  limits 
the  number  of  fianc&a  to  ten, 
though  it  is  rumoured  that  one 
gentleman,  who  is  inclined  to 
eclecticism,  is  now  pressing  his 
toes  into  the  service. 

Another  entry  for  Mr.  Punch's 
Commercial  Candour  Competi- 
tion. An  advertisement  of  a 
book  published  by  Messrs. 
STANLEY  PAUL  <t  Co.  tells  us 
that  the  story  "leaves  a  sense 
of  satisfaction  in  the  mind  of 
the  reader  when  it  is  finished." 

*  * 

Collectors  of  paradoxes  will 
perhaps  be  interested  in  the 


Farter  (at  wayside  station,  whose  help  «/»  tlie  matter  of  a  .»yvt*  </i  expression  "  ante-post  betting  " 
dust  has  been,  solicited).  "ALL  RIGHT,  Miss.  I  VE  CUT  i  .  |  ngfA  Jn  acontemnorarv  the  other 
QUICK.  LEND  us  YOUR  'AT-PIX. 


given  in  French,  and  others  in  Italian ; 
but  Lohengrin  and  TannMuser  are  set 
down  as  "  Undecided  as  to  language." 
Does  this,  we  wonder,  mean  Broken 
English?  *  * 

Dr.  NANSEN,  in  his  book  on  explor- 
ation, just  published  by  Mr.  HEINE- 
MANN,  proves  conclusively  that  America 
was  discovered  by  Norwegian  rovers 
500  years  before  the  voyage  of  COLUM- 
BUS. This  relieves  CHRISTOPHER  of  an 
awful  responsibility. 

"  Mr.  A.  ROBBINS,  of  Bournemouth, 
writes  to  say  that  he  picked  a  piece  of 
honeysuckle  in  his  garden  on  November 
1st."  And  who,  indeed,  we  would  ask, 
had  a  better  right  to  do  so  than  Mr. 
BOBBINS  ? 


Dr.  G.  LINDSAY  JOHNSON,  lecturing 
before  the  members  of  the  Institute  of 
Ophthalmic  Opticians,  mentioned  the 
case  of  a  negro  with  abnormal  sight 
who  could  see  three  of  Jupiter's  moons 
with  the  naked  eye.  This  reminds  us 
that  our  distinguished  guest,  Mr.  JACK 
JOHNSON,  has  the  peculiar  power  of 
enabling  people  to  see  stars  which  they 
had  never  seen 


The 


used  in  acontemporary  the  other 
day,  in  an  article  on  horse- racing 

POSTMASTER-GKNKRAL   has   re 


before. 

*  * 


quested  that  letters  for  Scotland  shall  not 
be  marked  "  N.B."  It  seems  that  this 
practice  has  created  a  very  bitter  feel- 
ing among  the  natives  of  North  Borneo. 

Art  for  Art's  Bike. 
On  a  door-plate  in  Glasgow  :  — 


".I.  B.—  EASTEBX  Ar.Ti-r-. 

f  TATTOOING  DOSE  INSIDE." 

The' local   authorities   of   Lochgelly  T)ie  tru()  ^j^  ;g  no{,  concerned  that 
and  Dundee  complain  of  the  expense  of  tlje  woru  s|,Ould  see  his  masterpiece-, 
birching  juvenile  delinquents,  owing  to 
.  and 


fees  of 

the 

spectively. 

that  10s.   at  any 


!.  being  payable  to 
The   delinquents   suggest.   Kxhibition 


by  dispensing  witl 
whipper. 


v  rate  might  be  saved ;  by  MILLAIH,  was  described  as  "  I 'no 
5th  the  services  of  the  Keri  di  Biunsw.ck  " 

like  a  still-hfe  study  of  grate-polish. 


The  Black  Brunswickcr." 
I '  no  dei 
more 


VU!,.    (.XLI. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARL_         [NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


THE    BITTER    PLAINT    OF    THE    ELEPHANT. 

[It  is  uii(U-rst.K,,l  tli.it  horses  will  I*  substituted  for  elephants  in 
the  State  Kntrv  th.it  opens  the  coming  Durbar  celebrations.  1  ho  writer 
,,f  ,!,„,,  li,,,s.-i,,  ueferVmr  to  tlie  judgment  of  authority,  refrains  from 
eipreeging  his  own  opinion  on  this  change,  and  merely  attempts  to  voice 
tiieiuaitirulit.-  views  of  the  supplanted  pachyderm.] 

WE  wish  to  know  what  we  have  done, 
What  wrong  unwittingly  have  wrought 

(At  present  I  can  think  of  none, 

Whether  in  deed  or  word  or  thought) 

That  we  whose  royal  functions  trace 
Their  rise  to  prehistoric  sources 

Should  sacrific  our  pride  of  place 
To  things  like  horses. 

What  was  the  feature,  Sir,  that  most 
Embellished  CUKZON'S  great  Durbar, 

Gave  tone  to  our  Imperial  boast 
And  staggered  -trippers  from  afar  ? 

What  made  the  stranger  cry,  "  Gee-whiz  ! 
That 's  bully  ;  we  can't  claim  to  beat  your 

Circus  out  West  ?  " — the  answer  is : 
We  were  that  feature. 

In  panoply  of  gold  brocade 

With  frescoes,  in  the  best  of  taste, 
On  trunk  and  pensive  brow  displayed, 

Along  the  pageant's  lines  we  paced  ; 
Rolling  serenely  like  a  sea 

That  bears  a  fleet  of  treasure-galleys, 
We  scorned  the  tricks  that  seem  to  me 
More  fit  for  ballets. 

Suavely,  in  single  file,  we  swung 
Beneath  the  howdah's  gemmy  hood, 

Aware  that  India's  future  hung 
On  our  behaviour,  bad  or  good  ; 

We  might  with  ease  (but  we  did  not) 
Have  run  amok  and  caused  a  melly, 

Doing  I  dare  not  picture  what 
Damage  to  Delhi. 

Yes,  with  a  dignity  of  style 

As  monumental  as  the  Taj, 
We  strode  sedately,  mile  on  mile, 

Obedient  to  the  British  Eaj  ; 
You,  Sir,  were  represented  there, 

And  so  will  kindly  bear  me  witness 
What  cool  decorum  marked  our  air, 
What  sense  of  fitness. 

They  call  us  pachyderms,  and  yet, 
Trust  me,  our  skins  are  not  so  tough 

But  what  we  feel  it  when  we  get 
A  horrid  puncture  in  the  buff ; 

And  so  with  our  interior  parts  : 

When  crossed  in  love,  our  vitals  languish, 

And  to  be  humbled  melts  our  hearts 
WTith  moral  anguish. 

Had  the  usurper  been  a  beast 

That  once  had  roamed  the  jungle  through — 
A  tiger,  say,  or  else  at  least 

Something  suggestive  of  a  Zoo — 
We  might  have  lost,  with  tearless  eye, 

Our  claim  to  bear  the  EMPEROR'S  lieges, 
But  O,  to  be  supplanted  by 

Domestic  gee-gees !  O.  S. 


THE    DESCRIBER. 

I  MET  him  in  a  railway  carriage  on  a  Great  Western 
ixpress.  I  had  been  reading  some  proofs,  and  I  had 
noticed  that,  as  I  pulled  them  out  of  my  despatch  case, 
lis  eyes  had  gleamed  as  though  recognising  something 
'amiliar.  He  was  a  pasty-faced,  rotund  little  man  with 
very  long  dusty  hair.  There  was  a  velvet  collar  to  his  coat 
and  a  diamond  ring  to  one  of  his  fingers.  His  watch-chain 
was  heavy  and  golden.  Evidently  a  prosperous  little  man. 
After  a  good  deal  of  fidgetting  he  addressed  me  :  "  An 
author,  Sir?  " 

"  Well,  yes,"  I  said,  "  I  do  a  little  in  that  way :  an  occa- 
sional article  here  and  there,  and — er — that  sort  of  thing." 

"  I  see,"  he  said.  "  Now  isn't  it  an  extraordinary  thing 
you  and  me  coming  together  like  this  ?  You  might  have 
been  a  farmer,  or  a  soap-maker,  or  a  confectioner,  or  a 
jeweller,  but  you  're  an  author,  and  here  we  are,  both  of  us 
.ogether." 

"  Are  you,  may  I  ask 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  'm  an  author  all  right.     And  I  '11  tell  you 

what,"  he  added,  in  a  burst  of  enthusiasm,  "  1  wouldn't 

hange  authorship  for  anything  else,  not  if  you  were  to 

make  me  a  partner  of  KOTHSCHILD'S.     Not  but  what  I 

make  my  little  bit  of  money  too." 

"  Poetry  ?  "  I  asked. 

He  laughed  very  scornfully.  "Poetry!  not  much.  You 
don't  catch  me  chopping  and  changing  words  about  to 
make  'em  fit  into  lines.  It 's  a  mug's  game.  And  then 
think  of  the  rhymes,  dawn — morn,  home — bone,  and  all  the 
rest  of  them.  No,  I  'm  not  a  poet.  KIPLING  does  all  I 
want  in  that  line.  When  he  's  said  a  thing  it 's  said  and 
there 's  an  end  of  it.  As  long  as  he  's  about  there  's  no 
need  for  me  to  try  poetry." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  what  is  your  line,  then  ?  " 

"  I  'm  a  describer,"  he  said  simply. 

"A  what?" 

"A  describer."  He  dropped  his  voice  and  looked  round 
the  compartment  suspiciously,  as  though  he  feared  that 
somebody  might  he  lurking  under  the  cushions  or  in  the 
rack.  "  Of  course,"  he  continued,  "  I  don't  want  it  known 
everywhere.  They  might  come  mobbing  round  my  house, 
asking  for  autographs  and  that  sort  of  thing,  like  they  did 
to  TENNYSON,  and  I  shouldn't  care  for  that.  But  I  don't 
mind  telling  you  on  the  q.  t.  I  do  the  descriptive  bits  under 
the  photographs  of  the  celebrities  in  the  picture  papers. 
You  see  it 's  bound  to  be  done  with  a  snap  or  it  won't  go 
down  with  the  public ;  and  you  've  got  to  put  a  bit  of 
fancy-work  into  it,  a  sort  of  delicate  touch  here  and  there, 
or  the  originals  of  the  photographs  won't  order  hundreds 
of  copies  to  be  sent  out  to  their  friends  all  over  the  place. 
Oh,  don't  you  make  any  mistake  about  it,  it  takes  a  lot  of 
doing." 

I  assured  him  I  was  making  no  mistake  about  it  and  was 
ready  to  believe  every  word  he  said. 

"I'm  just  coming  back  from  my  holiday,"  he  went  on. 
"  Six  days  twice  a  year  is  all  I  get,  and  even  that  drops 
all  their  circulations  to  nothing,  so  I  have  to  come  rushing 
back  with  any  new  lines  I  've  been  able  to  think  of.  Now 
this  is  a  pretty  little  thing.  I  fancy  it  '11  knock  'em. 
Here  's  the  photograph,  you  see.  Girl  in  a  big  hat ;  two 
rows  of  teeth  ;  Pom  dog  in  her  lap.  Doesn't  sound  much, 
does  it  ?  But  there  's  inspiration  in  it  if  you  take  it  the 
right  way.  Listen  :  '  Lady  Iverna  Blushrose,  who  is  to 
marry  Captain  Strakes  to-morrow,  is  the  second  best 
known  daughter' — nice  bit  that,  isn't  it? — of  one  of 
Ireland's  most  celebrated  Earls.  Known  to  her  friends  as 
'Perts,'  she  is  sure  to  acquire  in  Society  that  position 
which  is  due  to  her  youth  and  beauty.  Teenie,  her 


,   OR   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.—  NOVEMBER  8.  1911. 


CHILD   AND   SUPER-CHILD. 


EM™  «,**  ./,).  "I    AM    STILL  BUT   A   CHILD   AND  THESE   REVOLTS   ARE  TOO 

MUCMB  B"'.WELL.  I;VE  BEEN  A  CHILD  FOR  YEARS  AND  YEARS.  BUT  i  TAKE  NO 

NOTICE    OF    LITTLE    EPISODES    LIKE    THOSE.  ' 


NQV.CMBEB  8,  ion.]  PUNCH.   ORJfllE  LONDON  CHARIVAIU 


Q 


"A  Recruit  shall  receive  daily  instruction  in  nms';etry  until  he  ...  can  handle  his  ride  with  skill  and  confidence  under  all  conditions 
and  in  all  positions.     — Infuntri/  Training,  page  7. 

(In  the  above  sketch  we  have  tried  to  suggest  the  distractions  of  active  service.) 


Pomei-anian,  is    to   accompany   her  on   the    honeymoon. 
Teenie  is  a  lucky  dog.     Her  brother,  Bertie  Blushrose,  has 
recently  heen   absent   from   Eton   owing   to  an  attack  of 
jaundice.'     What  do  you  think  of  that  ?  " 
I  said  I  had  never  heard  a  better. 


RAILWAY  REFORM. 

Office  of  Official  Receiver. 

DEAIS  SIR, — I  note  with  gratitude  the  humane  decision 
of  the  North   Stafford  Railway  to   abolish   second-class 

'  ho  said,  "it's  pretty  good;  but  here's  another  \  fares  throughout  its  system.  This  should  greatly  popularise 
that  runs  it  rather  close.  Husband  and  wife  standing  arm- j  second-class  travelling  on  this  Company  s  lino,  and  I  trust 
in-arm  outside  the  porch  of  a  house.  Husband  in  breeches  j  that  so  progressive  a  policy  will  soon  be  extended  to  tho 
and  boots,  with  hunting-crop  in  his  hand,  thong  dangling,  other  classes.  As  further  innovations  likely  to  stimulate 
Six  children  in  background.  Groom  standing  at  head  of  public  patronage  of  their  lines  I  venture  to  urge  on  railway 
romp.n-nosed  horse.  This  is  how  I  do  it :  '  Honeysuckle  companies : — • 

Lodge,  the  charming  rilleggicitura  of  the  modern  representa-  j          (1)  Tho   throwing    open    of    refreshment  rooms  and 
tives  of  SIUDONS  and KBMBLE, is  built  in  theElixabetho-Doric  j      buffets  twice  a  week,  free  of  cost. 

style,  the  bricks  throughout  being  elaborately  pointed  in  (2)  "Recognition  "  of  the  claims  of  passengers  to  tea- 

alternate  green  and  yellow.     Soon  Bucephalus  will  have  j      baskets,  lunch-hampers,  gratis. 


his  sugar  and  Richard  Bhuikney,  sated  with  the  chase  of 
the  fox,  will,  with  his  family,  thread  the  sylvan  glades  '- 
I  think  I  meant  'tread,'  but  it  don't  matter — '  in  search  of 
new  effects  for  his  forthcoming  titanic  production  of 
"  Sardanapalus  the  Shatterer."  '  You  twig  the  style,  don't 
you?" 


(3)  Issue  of  free  magazines  at  the  bookstalls  to  all 
bond-fide  travellers. 

(4)  "Right  to  strike"   ticket-collectors,   whenever  a 
passenger  is  so  inclined. 

(5)  Return  tickets  at  half  single  rates. 

Trusting  that  you.  Sir,  will  have  the  courage  to  make  a 


I  said  I  thought  I  did,  but  luckily  at  this  moment  wo  firm  stand  and  inaugurate  a  Press  campaign  in  your  valued 
arrived  at  Paddington  and  wore  compelled  to  separate.  columns  on  these  broad  lines, 

I  am,  Yours  hopefully, 

BANKRUPT  MIDDLE-CLASS. 

Mutabile  (sed  ineluctabile)   semper. 

"A  very  largo  gathering,  which  included  the  Master  of  the  Helvoir 
and  Lady  Greeuall,  mot  the  Cheshire  Hounds  at  •Oxhaye.s  Farm  yester- 
day. A  fox,  which  had  been  asleep  in  a  hedgerow  hard  by,  trot  Ml  off 
into  Phi!o  Gorsc,  only  to  find  himself  face  to  face  with  the  Cheshire 
ladies." — Sloriiiny  Post. 

"Tut,  tut,"  he  said,  appreciating  for  the  first  time  Mr. 
ASQUITH'S  difficulties  with  the  Suffragettes,  "one  can't  get 
a  way  ••from  the  women." 


A  Silence  which  could  be  Felt. 

"From  first  to  last  the  grip  that  he  maintained  over  his  Urge 
audience  was  shown  by  the  keen  attention  with  which  they  hung  ujion 
his  words,  and  the  deep  silence  with  which  their  bursts  of  silence 
alternated." — ll'cttiiiinstfr  Ga^Ue. 

All  of  which  was  as  nothing  to  the  swelling  roar  of  silence 
which  greeted  him  when  he  sat  down. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


THE    BITTEN    BITES. 

A  FAMOUS  lady  novelist  who  sluil 
for  once  be  nameless  has  hit  upor 
what  cannot  but  be  considered  a  very 
ingenious  and  effective  way  of  getting 
even  with  certain  papers  that  have 
expressed  not  too  high  an  opinion  ol 
her  work ;  Punch,  we  regret  to  say, 
among  them.  At  the  beginning  of  the 
new  edition  of  her  latest  novel,  where  it 
is  customary  to  place  extracts  from  the 
favourable  notices  which  herother  books 
have  received  from  the  Press,  the  authoi 
has  instead  placed  notices  by  herself  ol 
a  few  of  the  more  influential  journals. 
Mr.  Punch,  who  lias  been  favoured  with 
an  advance  view  of  these  mofccaux, 
would  hesitate  to  print  such  very 
candid  and  hostile  censures  were  he 
not  a  naturalist,  and  as  such  pro- 
foundly interested  in  watching  a  worm 
having  one  good  turn  .after  another. 
Moreover  he  himself  comes  under  the 
lady's  lash. 

"  A  copy  of  The  Daily  Telegraph, 
published  this  day,  lies  before  us.  The 
paper  is  damp,  the  ink  darkens  the 
hands.  The  type  is  sometimes  pain- 
fully small  and  advertisements  occupy 
a  ridiculously  large  proportion  of  the 
reading  matter.  For  the  rest,  it  is 
verbose  and  indiscriminating  in  its  use 
of  detail,  and  has  the  vice  of  considering 
everything  that  has  happened  of  equal 
importance.  A  little  study  of  the 
much-cried-up  contes  of  GUY  DE  MAU- 
PASSANT would  do  it  good." 


"  Among  the  most  recent  publica- 
tions is  The  Daily  Chronicle.  We 
have  read  this  work  from  cover  to 
cover  without  edification.  It  is  true 
that  the  price  is  low,  but  we  are  not 
persuaded  that  that  is  any  real  excuse. 
The  book  reviews  might  be  in  better 
hands ;  the  headings  are  in  gross  taste, 
as  when  the  account  of  a  prisoner  who 
committed  suicide  is  entitled, '  Cheated 
the  Gallows' ;  and  the  paragraphs  under 
The  Office  Window'  have  a  jauntiness 
that  affects  the  sensitive  reader  like 
loud  check  trousers." 

"  A  laborious  study  of  The  Spectator, 
a  periodical  issued  from  Wellington 
Street,  convinces  us  that  weekly  jour- 
nalism in  England  is  in  a  parlous  state. 
Kindness  to  animals  is  all  very  well, 
)ut  to  be  maudlin  about  them  for 
mges  week  after  week  strikes  us  as  an 
nsult  to  human  intelligence.  We  notice 
also  that  a  large  portion  of  the  corres- 
wndence  columns  is  merely  a  vehicle 
or  advertising  the  editor's  rectitude. 
And  who,  we  should  like  to  be  told,  is 
BERQSON  to  have  so  much  space 
given  to  him?  Since  when  was  it 


"Signs  are  nut  lacking  that  there  is  a  wide- 
spread revolt,  among  our  more  serious  sisters. 
against  the  reckless  extravagance  of  the  last 
two  years." — fashion  AWcs. 


Miss  KENSINGTON  GOAUE,   AFTER  HER  J.ATE 

OKCSIE  OK  BUTTOSS,  I 


NOW    DOES    IT    IN    ONE. 


necessary  to  go  to  France  for  spiritual 
thinkers  '!     Are  there  none  here  ?  " 


"A  paper  called  The  Nation  lias 
been  sent  for  review.  We  suggest  that 
Stag-Nation  would  be  a  better  title. 
A  more  cantankerous,  dismal  sixpenny- 
worth  we  never  perused." 


"  If  we  might  be  allowed  to  make  a 
suggestion  it  is  that  The  Morniny  Pat 
should  spell  the  first  word  of  its  name 
with  a  it-.  Anything  more  funereally 
dismal  than  the  tone  of  its  leading 
articles  it  would  be  impossible  to 
conceive.  We  always  thought  that 
this  journal  gave  an  exhaustive  and 
impartial  account  of  the  doings  of 
the  aristocracy,  but  to  judge  from 
recent  issues  there  are  only  two  peers 
in  Great  Britain,  Lord  HALSBURY  and 

Lord  WlLLOUGHBY  DE  BltOKE." 


"  After  carefully  perusing  every  page 
of  The  Times,  which  reaches  us  this 
morning,  including  two  dreary  supple- 
ments, we  laid  it  aside  in  annoyance 
that  any  one  could  have  the  effrontery 
to  demand  the  sum  of  threepence  for 
it.  For  there  is  not  a  joke  in  the 
whole  swollen  production ;  not  one 
gleam  of  humour.  We  admit  that  one 
or  two  announcements  in  the  death 
column  interested  us,  and  there  was  an 
article,  not  badly  done,  on  the  recent 
gale ;  but  we  cannot  conceal  our 
disappointment  with  this  expensive 
miscellany  as  a  whole." 


"  If  The  Times  is  dear  at  threepence 
as  reading  matter,  what  shall  we  say 
of  Punch,  which  has  not  the  same 
excuse  of  generously  providing  material 
for  lighting  lires  ?  This  paper  is  called 
the  leading  comic,  but,  so  far  as  we  can 
observe,  its  only  humour  consists  in  the 
fact  that  it  keeps  on  coming  out  every 
week,  and  charges  threepence  every 
time."  [The  rest  of this  notice  of  "Punch'' 
is  not  fit  to  print — not  here,  ant/hoiv.] 


"A  dress  is  not  made  of  stuff.     It  is  made 
l)y  closing  your  eyes  and  drea'iiing   haul.    - 
Mine.  Trobij-Curtin  in  "  The  Sketch." 

The  bifl  will  wake  you  up  all  right. 


'The  Oldham  by-election  is  peculiarly  in- 
rcrcstiug  in  that  the  Liberal  and  Conservative 
artics  have  agreed  to  use  neither  post  ITS  nor 
.•chicles  to  carry  voters  to  the  poll." 

West  ni  iiiatff  i','n :,!/,: 

jive  us  the  old  days  when  one  went  to 
poll  in  a  four-poster. 

"We  have  people  among  us  who  would  *himt 
i  cherubim  if  they  found  one  on  Hac-km-y 
Marshes. " — (Hole. 

This   animal,  however,   is   gregarious, 
and  is  never  found  in  ones. 


NOVEMBER  8,  1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


333 


IT   IS  SAID   BY   GOOD  AUTHORITIES  THAT   MOTORISTS  ARE   liKADUALLY   LOSING  THE   CSE  OK  THEIR   I.ECS. 


TO    ALGERNON    ASHTON,    ESQ. 
ON  RESUMING  HIS  QUILL. 

ALGERNON,  whose  long  cessation 

From  epistolary  toil 
Sport  for  all  the  British  nation 

Threatened  utterly  to  spoil, 

Now  with  every  nerve  and  sinew 

We  unanimously  bless 
Your  decision  to  continue 

Writing  letters  to  the  Press. 

At  the  memorable  tidings 

All  the  autumn  landscape  smiles  : 
Joy  illumines  Yorkshire's  Ridings, 

Mirth  convulses  Scilly's  Isles  ; 

Cheerfulness  returns  to  Woking, 
Gilding  the  sepulchral  scene ; 

And  a  mood  of  gentle  joking 
Shows  itself  at  Kensal  Green. 

For  they  know  their  fame  funereal 
Will  its  pride  of  place  regain 

Buttressed  by  your  magisterial, 
Massive,  monumental  brain. 

When  you  would  not  send  them  copy 
Editors  grew  pale  and  thin  ; 

Now  they  emulate  the  poppy 
As  your  screeds  come  rolling  in. 

Frowns-  desert  the  face  of  BUCKLE 
As  he  wades  through  HOWORTH'S 
reams ; 

NORTHCLIFFE  condescends  to  chuckle, 
BURNHAM  positively  beams. 


As  your  praises  forth  are  carolled, 
Ancient  foes  their  strife  forgo ; 

MASSINOHAM  embraces  HAROLD 
Cox,  and  STKACHEY  Captain  COE. 

GARVIN  fervently  embraces 
Baron  COURTNEY  of  Pen  with, 

While  JOHN  REDMOND  goes  to  racoi 
Arm-in-arm  with  F.  E.  SMITH. 

Deans,  too  glad  to  be  decorous, 
Fraternise  with  sandwichuien, 

As  they  chant  in  tones  sonorous, 
"  ALGERNON  's  himself  again  !  " 

TOO  YOUNG  AT  32. 
"Gooo  MORNING,  Sir,'1  I  said,  as  I 
smartly  saluted  an  elderly  gentleman 
who  was  evidently  my  new  Colonel. 
"  Good  morning,  Sir,"  he  replied  ;  "  you 
have  only  just  been  postsd  here?" 
responded  that  that  was  the  case. 
"  Have  you  seen  much  service  abroad, 
Sir?"  he  continued.  "Oh,  a  fair 
amount,  Sir,"  I  answered.  "I  went 
out  to  Bermuda  ten  years  ago,  then 
on  to  Ceylon,  and  have  been  for  the 
last  five  years  with  a  Heavy  Battery  in 
India."  "  I  've  seen  a  bit  of  foreign 
servica  myself,  Sir,"  said  the  Colonel. 
"  It  must  be  quite  twelve  years  ago 
since  I  went  to  Halifax."  I  was  not 
surprised  to  hear  this,  as  one  can 
seldom  escape  going  abroad  when  one 
reaches  the  senior  ranks. 


"  I  think  you  will  like  this  place,  Sir," 
he  went  on.  "  You  have  a  splendid 
battery,  a  fine  lot  of  men,  good  at  sport, 
and  80  per  cent.  1st  class  shots."  I 
replied  that  I  was  delighted  to  hear 
it ;  and  then  an  idea  struck  me.  Could 
the  Colonel  be  taking  me  for  some  one 
else,  owing  to  my  baldness  and  other 
indications  of  approaching  senility  ?  I 
must  put  him  right  at  once. 

"  You  are  calling  1113  Sir,  Sir,  and  I 
am  still  only  a  subaltern."  "  Well,  I  "m 
dashed,"  said  he,  "  I  thought  you  were 
our  new  Major ;  and  you  're  just  a 
subaltern.  Well,  so  am  I.  Have  a 
drink  ?  " 

[Corresi>oiidinee  in  the  PI-MS  lias  recently 
shown  that  in  the  Harrison  Artillery  there  are 
a  hundred  olh'cere  with  some  twelve  years' 
service  who  are  still  subalterns.] 

The  Standard  speaks  of  one  of  the 
Onslow  Pictures  as  being  of  a  "  son 
born  in  New  Zealand  in  the  dress  of  a 
Maori  chief."  Most  of  us  are  born  in 
the  dress  (more  or  less)  of  a  Central 
African  chief. 

"George  Oke,  the  golfer,  who  won  the  pro- 
fessional competition  at  Bramshot  on  Wednes- 
day, is  a  great-grandson  of  'Salvation  _Yeo,'  of 
whom  Kingsley  wrote  in  his  l>ook,  '  Westward 
Ho  ! ' " — 1 orkshirc  Eceniug  Paul. 

Salvation. Yeo  (+  8)  was,  of  course,  the 
well-known  professional  of  the  West- 
ward Ho !  links. 


334 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


THE   LITERARY  ART. 

MAH<;I:HY  has  a  passion  for  writing 
just  now.  I  can  sea  nothing  in  it 
myself,  but  if  people  will  write  I 
suppose  you  can't  stop  them. 

"  Will  you  just  lend  me  your  pencil?" 
she  asked. 

"  Remind  me  to  give  you  a  hundred 
pencils  some  time,"  I  said  as  I  took  it 
out,  "  and  then  you  '11  always  have 
one.  You  simply  eat  pencils." 

"  Oo,  I  gave  it  you  back  last  time." 

"  Only  just.  You  inveigle  me  down 
here — 

"  What  do  I  do  ?  " 

"I'm  not  going  to  say  that  again 
for  anybody." 

"  Well,  may  I  have  the  pencil?  " 

I  gave  her  the  pencil  and  a  sheet  of 
paper,  and  settled  her  in  a  chair. 

"  B-a-b-y,"  said  Margery  to  herself, 
planning  out  her  weekly  article  for 
the  Reviews.  "  B-a-b-y,  baby."  She 
squared  her  elbows  and  began  to 
write  .  .  . 

"  There! "  she  said,  after  five  minutes' 
composition. 

The  manuscript  was  brought  over  to 
the  critic,  and  the  author  stood  proudly 
by  to  point  out  subtleties  that  might 
have  been  overlooked  at  a  first  reading. 

"B-a-b-y,"  explained  the  author. 
"Baby." 

"  Yes,  that 's  very  good ;  very  neatly 
expressed.  '  Baby  '• — I  like  that." 

"  Shall  I  write  some  more  ?  "  said 
Margery  eagerly. 

"  Yes,  do  write  some  more.  This  is 
good,  but  it 's  not  long  enough." 

The  author  retired  again,  and  in  five 
minutes  produced  this : — 
BABY 

"  That's  'baby,'  "  explained  Margery. 

"  Yes,  I  like  that  baby  better  than 
the  other  one.  It 's  more  spread  out. 
And  it 's  bigger — it 's  one  of  the  biggest 
babies  I  've  seen." 

"  Shall  I  write  some  more  ? 

"Don't  you  write  anything  else 
ever?" 

"  I  like  writing  '  baby,'  "  said  Mar- 
gery carelessly.  "B-a-b-y." 

"  Yes,  but  you  can't  do  much  with 
just  that  one  word.  Suppose  you 
wanted  to  write  to  a  man  at  a  shop — 
'  Dear  Sir, — You  never  sent  me  my 
boots.  Please  send  them  at  once  as  I 
want  to  go  out  this  afternoon.  I  am, 
yours  faithfully,  Margery '—it  would 
be  no  good  simply  putting  '  B-a-b-y,' 
because  he  wouldn't  know  what 
meant." 

"  Well,    what    would    it     be 
putting  ?  " 

"  Ah,  that 's  the  whole  art  of  writing 
—to  know  what  it  would  be  any 
good  putting.  You  want  to  learn  lots 
and  lots  of  new  words,  so  as  to  be 


you 
good 


ready.  Now  here 's  a  jolly  little  one 
that  you  ought  to  meet."  I  took  the 
pencil  and  wrote  GOT.  "Got. 
G-o-t,  got." 

Margery,  her  elbows  on  my  knee 
and  her  chin  resting  on  her  hands, 
studied  the  position. 

"  Yes,  that 's  old  '  got,'  "  she  said. 

"  He  's  always  coming  in.  When  you 
want  to  say  '  I  've  got  a  bad  pain,  so  I 
can't  accept  your  kind  invitation ; '  or 
when  you  want  to  say,  '  J'lxcuse  more, 
as  I  've  got  to  go  to  bed  now ; '  or  quite 
simply,  '  You  've  got  my  pencil.'  " 

"  G-o-t,  got,"  said  Margery.  "  G-o-t, 
got.  G-o-t,  got." 

"  With  appropriate  action  it  makes 
a  very  nice  recitation." 

"  Is  that  a  '  g  '  ?  "  said  Margery,  busy 
with  the  pencil,  which  she  had  snatched 
from  me. 

"  The  gentleman  with  the  tail.  You 
haven't  made  his  tail  quite  long  enough 
.  .  .  That's  better." 

Margery  retired  to  her  study  charged 
with  an  entirely  new  inspiration,  and 
wrote  her  second  manifesto.  It  was 
this: — 

GOT. 

"  Got,"  she  pointed  out. 

I  inspected  it  carefully.  Coming 
fresh  to  the  idea  Margery  had  treated 
it  more  spontaneously  than  the  other. 
But  it  was  distinctly  a  "  got."  One  of 
the  gots. 

"  Have  you  any  more  words  ?  "  she 
asked,  holding  tight  to  the  pencil. 

"  You  've  about  exhausted  me,  Mar- 
gery." 

"  What  was  that  one  you  said  just 
now  ?  The  one  you  said  you  wouldn't 
say  again  ?  " 

"  Oh,  you  mean  '  inveigle  '  ?  "  I  said, 
pronouncing  it  differently  this  time. 

"  Yes ;  write  that  for  me." 

"  It  hardly  ever  comes  in.  Only  when 
you  are  writing  to  your  solicitor." 

"What's  'solicitor'?  " 

"  He  's  the  gentleman  who  takes  the 
money.  He  's  always  coming  in." 

"  Then  write  '  solicitor.'  " 

I  took  the  pencil  (it  was  my  turn  for 
it)  and  wrote  SOLICITOR.  Then  I  read 
it  out  slowly  to  Margery,  spelt  it  to  her 
three  times  very  carefully,  and  wrote 
SOLICITOR  again.  Then  I  said  it 
thoughtfully  to  myself  half-a-dozen 
times—"  Solicitor."  Then  I  looked  at 
it  wonderingly. 

"  I  am  not  sure  now,"  I  said,  "  that 
there  is  such  a  word." 

"Why?." 

"  I  thought  there  was  when  I  began, 
but  now  I  don't  think  there  can  be. 
'  Solicitor  ' — it  seems  so  silly." 

"  Let  me  write  it,"  said  Margery, 
iagerly  taking  the  paper  and  pencil, 
'and  see  if  it  looks  silly." 

She    retired,   and— as    well  as    she 


could   for  her  excitement — copied   the 

word  down  underneath.    The  combined 

effort  then  read  as  follows  : — • 

SOLICITOR 

SOLICITOR 

SOLCTOR 

"  Yes,  you  've  done  it  a  lot  of  good," 
1  said.  "  You  've  taken  some  of  the 
creases  out.  I  like  that  much  batter." 

"  Do  you  think  there  is  such  a  word 
now?" 

"  I  'm  beginning  to  feel  more  easy 
about  it.  I  'm  not  certain,  but  I  hope." 

"  So  do  I,"  said  Margery.  With  the 
pencil  in  ono  hand  and  the  various 
scraps  of  paper  in  the  other,  she 
climbed  on  to  the  writing  desk  and 
gave  herself  up  to  literature.  .  .  . 

And  it  seems  to  me  that  she  is  well 
equipped  for  the  task.  For  besides 
having  my  pencil  still  (of  which  I  say 
nothing  for  the  moment)  she  has  now 
three  separate  themes  upon  which  to 
ring  the  changes — a  range  wide  enough 
for  any  writer.  These  are,  "  Baby  got 
solicitor"  (supposing  that  there  is  such 
a  word),  "  Solicitor  got  baby,"  and 
"Got  baby  solicitor."  Indeed,  there 
are  really  four  themes  here,  for  the 
last  one  can  have  two  interpretations. 
It  might  mean  that  you  had  obtained 
an  ordinary  solicitor  for  Baby  or  it 
might  mean  that  you  had  got  a 
specially  small  one  for  yourself.  It 
lacks,  therefore,  the  lucidity  of  the  best 
authors,  but  in  a  woman  writer  this 
may  be  forgiven.  A.  A.  M. 

Are  Hares  Carnivorous  ? 
"After  chasing  a  hare  from  a  neighbouring 
corpse,  the  Aldershot  Beagles  despatched  it  in 
the  churchyard  at  Oookham,  Hants." 

Leicester  Daily  „!/<'/•<•«/•//. 

The  reporter,  callous  though  he  seems, 
makes  a  real  contribution  to  this  in- 
teresting question. 


While  on  the  subject  of  hares  we 
might  remind  our  readers  that,  accord- 
ing to  The  Times — 

"The  Directors  of  tli9  Royal  Squish 
Insurance  Company  have  entered  into  a  pro- 
visional agreement  with  the  National  (ieneral 
Insurance  Company  by  which  the  latter 
company  offers  to  purchase  all  the  han-s  of 
the  Royal  Scottish." 

"TRIPOLI. — A  gentleman/well  comnvtcd  in 
Tripoli  (North  Africa),  desires  to  obtain  an 
agency  of  a  first-class  tea-house  to  se'.l  thc-ir  Ira 
o.i  commission." 

Adct.  in  "  Chamber  of  Commerce  Joui'iw/." 

This  gentleman  has  been  misinformed. 
The  straggle  in  Tripoli  (North  Africa — 
in  case  you  wondered  where  on  earth  it 
was)  is  not  a  tea-fight. 


"Bicycle  bargains,  Gent's  new  B.S. A.,  made 
by  the  makers." 

Adrl.  in  "Portsmouth  Evcnimj  Xrws. " 

Nothing  like  a  maker  for  making  things. 


JU911 


PUNCH,   OR   THE 


TbuCEMAN 

ON  POINT  Burr. 


FIREMEN    ^NSWEIMNG  A   CALL. 


RAILWAY  PORTER 
INDICATING  THAT 
THE  LUGGAGE 
IN  THE  BRAKE  VAN 


STREET    SCAVENGERS  STREET  .SCAVENGING 


5 


DUSTMAN  RETIRING 

EXPR£SSIK6  GfWTnuOt 
FOR    HONORARIUM. 


EFftCTIWG 
ARRtiTOF 

BACOWW. 


j.*y.e~..^ 


IT  HAS  BEEN  KEMARKED  THAT  HITHERTO  IN  THIS  COUNTRY  THE  MASCULINE  DANCEIl  HAS  ALWAYS  LOOKED  MORE  O»  LEWI  FOOLIKH, 
AND  GENERALLY  TAKEN  REFUGE  IN  FRANKLY  ECCENTRIC  CREATIONS.  NlJIN.SKY,  MORDKIN  AND  OTHERS  HAVE  SHOWN  VS  THAT  A 
MALE  CAN  BE  MANLY  THOUGH  GRACEFUL.  THIS  DISCOVERY  MAY  HAVE  FAR-REACHING  RESULTS,  AS  DEPICTED  ABOVE. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBEB  8,  1911. 


YOU  MIGHT  THINK  THIS  WAS   THE  IDEAL   RESTAURANT,    BUT,    ALAS  !     THE   NOTICE   ONLY   REFERS   TO  THE   PIECE   JUST   PLAYED. 


ESSAYS  IN  OPTIMISM. 
I. — After  the  manner  of "The  Financier." 
Rubber.  A  dull  day.  Prices  lower  all 
round,  despite  strong  under-current 
of  investment  buying.  Some  re- 
covery, and  an  ease-off  ;  closing  at 
the  worst.  Eaw  product  falls  l^d. 
Once  again  the  ursine  enemy  appears 
to  have  been  having  it  all  his  own  way, 
both  in  Mincing  Lane  and  the  Stock 
Exchange.  Encouraged  by  a  slight 
(and,  as  we  have  often  shown,  wholly 
negligible)  drop  in  the  auction  price  of 
the  material,  bears  early  commenced 
to  bang  prices;  being  helped  by  the 
behaviour  of  timorous  bulls  in  throwing 
on  to  the  market  shares  which  already 
stood  at  a  figure  preposterously  below 
their  common-sense  value.  Indeed  it 
is  one  more  proof — if  such  were  needed  j 
— of  the  inherent  strength  and  stability 
of  the  industry  that  the  falls  were  not 
far  greater  than  was  actually  the  case. 
So  far  as  could  b3  ascertained,  shares 
were  in  almost  every  case  assured  of  a 
purchaser,  at  terms  from  six  to  ten 
points  lower  than  those  recorded 
yesterday— a  fact  that  speaks  for  itself. 
It  is,  indeed,  increasingly  obvious  that 
careful  and  far-seeing  operators  are 
busily  engaged  in  picking  up  the  many 
profitable  bargains  which  prices  now 
ruling  offer  to  them,  in  view  of  the 
general  revival,  which  (as  we  have 


frequently  pointed  out)  cannot  now  be 
long,  delayed. 

The  statement  that  the  Government 
art-schools  in  Peru  have  decided  in 
future  to  use  breadcrumbs  in  preference 
to  indiarubber,  is  now  admitted  to  have 
been  false,  the  market  rightly  treating 
this  denial  as  a  strong  ball  point. 
Under  the  influence  of  this  and  other 
favourable  factors,  a  marked  revival  set 
in  during  the  afternoon ;  FLIXGGIS, 
always  the  bell-wether  of  the  rubber 
flock,  leading  with  a  smart  rise  of  3d., 
which  they  subsequently  lost.  On 
balance  prices  were  in  almost  every 
instance  adverse  to  holders ;  STICKIT 
LONGAS  being  the  chief  sufferers  on  the 
unfavourable  reception  of  the  report. 
Exceptionally,  BLINDPOOL  TRUSTS  (£1 
shares,  12s.  6rf.  paid)  were  a  firm  spot 
at  12s.  3d.  dissount.  The  present  state 
of  affairs  is  thus  seen  to  be  by  no  means 
without  encouragement. 

II. — After  the  manner  of  "  The  Referee." 

Pay  day— or  Tay  Pay  day— at  the 
Theatre  Boyal,  Westminster. 

«          *          *          *          -::- 

The  Irish  comedians  of  ASQUITH'S 
Coalition  Troupe,  having  played  their 
part  in  the  bloodcurdling  and  highly 
unpopular  drama  of  "Wrecking  a 
Constitution,"  apply  for  the  usual 
"treasury." 


But  will  the  ghcst  walk  ? 

In  other  words,  will  John  Bull  allow 
his  other  island  to  be  delivered  bound 
into  the  hands  of  the  anti-patriots  ?  The 
idea  is  unthinkable.  The  recent  reduc- 
tion of  the  Radical  majority  by  13  (a 
significant  figure,  my  masters !)  in  a 
three-cornered  contest  at  Slushboro'  is 
evidence  that  this  dear  old  land  of  ours 
is  at  last  waking  up  to  the  real  danger 
that  threatens  her  historic  supremacy. 

*  -::-  -:;-  *  -;:• 

"When  questioned  on  his  traitor  l>lu\v, 

He  answered,  '  Wait  and  sec. ' 
We  've  waited  long,  but  now  we  know 
That  surely  A.M.U." 

And  before  Christmas  too,  or  the 
prophetic  instinct  of  Opposite -the - 
Ducks*  is  unusually  at  fault.  Home 
Yule  is  stronger  than  Home  Eule,  and 
Santa  Glaus  may  be  more  than  a 
match  for  St.  Redmond.  Big  changes 
are  in  the  air  ;  and  a  prize  of  Two 
Guineas  is  offered  to  Refereaders  for 
the  postcard  giving  most  accurately 
the  date  and  reasons  for 

The  Impending  Dissolution. 
Postcards  only,  please.     Address  them 
to  the  office  of  this  papsr,  with  "  D.D." 
(Date  of  Dissolution)  in  the  top  left- 
hand  corner,  and  legibly  inscribed  to 

DAGOKET. 

*The  name  given  by  the  light-hearted  Dagonet 
to  his  resident e  in  Regent's  Park. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBKB  8,  1911 


THE  EUPHEMISMS  OF  MASSACRE. 


NOVEMBER  8.  1911.]  PUNCHER  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


339 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTHACTEI)  FKOM  THE  DlAllY  OF  Tuny,    M.|> 

House  of  Lords,  Tuesday,  31  Oct.— 
Since  ifc  last  mot  the  House  is  poorer  b 
the  loss  of  two  Members.     For  man 
years  JAMES  OF  HEKEFORD  seemed  a 
if  he  were  benefitting  by  the  acquis 
tion  of  the  secret  of  the  elixir  of  lif. 
Handsome,    debonair,    witty,    he    wa 
accustomed   through    dull   sittings    t 
Hit  about  the  Chamber  like  a  butterfly 
alighting  for  a  moment  by  one  or  othe 
of  many  friends  and  brightly  chatting 
It  was  characteristic  of  his  urbanit 
and  absence  of  prejudice  that  he  foun. 
his   friends   in   both   political    camps 
No  earthquake  submerging  a  Party  t 
which  it  was  once  his  pride  to  belon; 
interfered    with    his    almost    lifelon 
friendship  with  Sir  WILLIAM  HARCOUR-J 
That  for  conscience'  sake,  at  a  criti 
cal  turn  in  his  career,  he  refused  the 
coveted   prize   of  the    Woolsack   is   a 
matter  of  common  knowledge.     It  i 
less  generally  known   how  constantlj 
he  fulfilled  in  political  life  the  function 
of  arnicas  curia.   Differences  of  opinion 
arising   between    personal    friends    o 
sections  of  Party  were  frequently  re 
ferred   to  him.      His    proposed   terms 
of  settlement  were  rarely  challenged 
This  good  work  was  carried  out  on  a 
broader    scale    when,   usually   at    the 
request  of  the  working  men,  he  under- 
took arbitration  upon  Labour  questions 
Within  the  last  twelve  months  he  bagan 
to  show  the  effect  of  growing  years,  a 
large  proportion  devoted  to  strenuous 
labour.    Almost  to  the  last  coming  upon 
a   friend   he   pulled   himself   together, 
talking  with  much  of  his  old  vivacity 
and  pointed  wit. 

Lord  ONSLOW,  much  his  junior, 
seemed,  a  year  ago,  to  have  the  promise 
of  equally  long  life.  Brisk,  almost 
bustling  in  manner,  he  went  about 
his  daily  work  with  contagious  light- 
heartedness.  His  strong  common 
sense,  fair-mindedness  and  business 
capacity  won  for  him  a  high  place 
in  the  estimation  of  his  peers.  This 
was  testified  to  when,  six  years  ago, 
lie  was  by  acclamation  elected  Lord 
Chairman  of  Committees.  He  had 
great  sympathy  with  work,  not  the 
least  arduous  part  carried  out  in  his 
private  room  during  portions  of  the  day 
when  the  House  was  sitting.  Towards 
;he  end  of  the  Summer  Session  he 
wrote  a  cheery  letter  to  an  old  friend 
reporting  marked  improvement  in  his 
lealth,  and  speaking  hopefully  of  the 
Drospects  of  his  presently  being  re- 
noved  from  Clandon  to  his  son's 
louse  at  Hampstead.  It  was  there  he 
died. 

MORLEY   and   LANSDOWNE,   in   brief 
ipeeches,  admirably  expressed  feelings 


LI'L  ALFRED  AND  BOMBARDIER  UEORCE. 

(Discusitiiig  the  Insurance  Bill.) 

'My  predecessor  was  advised  by  the  Law  Officcre  that  if  the  object  and  intent  of  the  com- 
jatants  was  to  subdue  each  other  by  violent  blows-Oaughtcr)— until  one  can  .-ndm.-  it  i .. 
muter— (laughter)— the  contest  is  illegal.  .  .  It  depends  not  merely  on  the  rules  ihirh  are  to 
apply  but  on  the  way  in  which  the  light  is  actually  conducted. "—Mr.  Jfe/Ceuiut'i  rrul-t 
'unstimi  mi  a  ic/tol/i/  different  matter. 

(Mr.  LYTTEI.TON  and  Mr.  LI.OYD  CEOR<;E.) 

of    united    Parties    in    this    hour    of  I  hour. 


nournmg. 

Business  done. — Copyright  Bill  reac 
econd  time. 

House  of  Commons,  Wednesday. — 
Settled  doggedly  down  to  consideration 
)f  National  Insurance  Bill  in  Com- 
mittee. Proceedings  useful  but  not 
.•hat  you  might  call  exhilarating. 
/LOYD  GEORGE  takes  principal  burden 
n  his  back,  sitting  hour  after  hour 
lert,  resourceful,  always  cheerful, 
finds  able  assistants  in  HOME 
SECRETARY  and  ATTORNEY-  GENERAL. 
Being,  after  all,  human,  must  take  a 

a   bit  of 
in    again 

lere  is  generally  somebody  on  Op- 
osition  Benches,  just  arrived  after 
isurely  meal,  ready  to  get  up  and 
ravely  express  "  the  satisfaction  with 
hich  he  observes  the  CHANCELLOR 
F  THE  EXCHEQUER  has  returned  to 
is  place." 

Irish  Members  abstain  from  taking 
art  in  debate,  a  self-sacrifice  that  in 
ome  measure  recurs  at  the  Question 


ew   minutes   off  to   snatch 
inner.      When   he   hurries 


True,  that  of  87  questions  en 
paper  to-day  they  had  17,  but  none 
rose  above  level  of  that  addressed  by 
FARRELL  to  CHIEF  SF.CKETARY  desiring 
to  know  "  whether  the  name  of  PAT 
DONOHOE,  Killasonnagh,  has  been  re- 
corded as  a  person  suitable  for  an 
allotment  on  the  untenanted  land  of 
Killasonnagh."  Their  almost  super- 
human self-restraint  eclipses  gaiety  of 
House. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR  does  not  think  it 
worth  while  to  look  in  for  Question  hour. 
Also  betrays  disposition  to  consider  in 
the  privacy  of  his  room  knotty  points 
presenting  themselves  in  Committee  en 
insurance  Bill.  PREMIER  in  his  place 
,o  answer  questions  addressed  to  him. 
But,  when  House  gets  into  Committee, 
'  leave  it  to  you,  partner,"  he  says,  nod- 
ding to  LLOYD  GEORGE,  and  withdraws 
to  direction  of  Imperial  Affairs  that 
ever  beset  First  Minister  of  the  Crown. 

liuxinest  done. — Pass  through  Com- 
mittee Clause  31,  Insurance  Bill. 

Friday. — The   MEMHER    FOB    SARK, 
who  in  response  to  cordial  invitation 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


has  joined  the  HALSBURY  Club,  tells  me 
of  a  protty  little  incident  that  marked 
ear  iist  weeks  of  its  captivating  career. 
At  special  meeting  of  Club  held  last 
night,  the  noble  President  was  the  re- 
cipient of  a  handsome  weapon,  bearing 
on  the  silver  plate  the  inscription  "The 
HalsburyClub."CoLONELCARSON,K.C., 
placed  at  disposal  of  the  sub-committee 
who  arranged  the  presentation  his 
almost  unique  collection  of  shillelaghs 
Each  one  has  seen  service  on  one  side 
or  other  of  the  national  cause  in 
Ireland.  Owing  to  habit  of  shift- 
ing of  politics  and  persons,  with  which 
TIM  HEALY  and  WILLIAM  O'BRIEN  arc 
familiar,  several  have  at  various  stages 
of  the  conflict  been  alternately  used  on 
hoth  sides.  From  this  interesting 
store  a  club  has  been  fashioned  which 
leaves  nothing  to  be  desired  either  in 
respect  of  elegance  or  utility. 

In  addition  to  name  of  ths  Halsbury 
Club  the  silver  plate  carries  an  inspiring 
couplet  of  verse.  Seems  to  have  b3en 
some  difficulty  in  this  matter.  What 
was  naturally  desired  was  a  peis*  ».'.•.,', 
reference  to  the  prowess  of  the  Presi- 
dent, with  some  indication  of  the  story 
of  recent  events  which  have  brought 
lim  so  splendidly  to  the  fore.  DUKE 
OF  NORTHUMBERLAND,  who  naturally  is 
acquainted  with  the  Percy  Bdiques, 
suggested  the  lines  from  Chevy  Chase  : 
"For  when  hia  leg  ,s  were  smitten  off 
He  fought  upon  his  stumj.es." 

As  the  stalwart  descandant  of 
3order  Earls  pointed  out,  these  lines 
:o  the  seeing  eye  picturesquely  indicate 
,he  situation.  Beaten  in  the  LorJs 
on  Veto  question,  HALSBURY,  from 
owered  altitude,  resumed  the  fight 
under  flag  of  the  Club. 

Whilst  admitting  all  this,  MILKER, 
n  his  pitilessly  logical  fashion,  pointed 
out  the  effect  on  the  mind  of  the 
classical  illustration. 

"  If,"  he  said,  "  we  (in  a  parlia- 
mentary sense,  of  course)  cut  off  the 
egs  of  our  noble  friend,  where  is  what 
is  left  of  him,  so  to  speak  ?  " 

"Exactly,"  said  GEORGE  WYNDHAM. 

If  it  were  WINTEHTON  now  it  would 
be  different.  Shortening  by  a  lineal  foot 
would  still  leave  him  of  average  height." 

Lord  WINTERTON  said  he  had  not 
been  very  we'l  lately  (murmurs  of 
sympathy).  If  experiments  were  to  be 
tried  there  -was  his  gallant  friend, 
CARSON,  K.C.,  who  was  within  an  inch 
or  so  of  his  (  WINTERTON'S)  height. 

SELBOHNE,  who  has  hereditary  poetic 
instinct,  suggested    as   an   alternative ' 
the  lines  from  WALTER  SCOTT'S  "Coro- 
nath": 

"Fleet  foot  on  the  correi, 
Sage  counsel  in  cumber." 

T.iis  brought  up  WILLOUGHBY  DE 
BROKE. 


'  I  don't  know   what   a   correi  is,' 


portion  chiefly  directed  to  enlightenment 


he  said,  "  but  will  bet   odds  that  the  of   WILLOUGHBY,   SELBORNE'S  sugges- 
dear  old  Johnny  couldn't  do  a  sprint  j  tion  was  accepted,  and  the  couplet  is 


over  a  quarter  of  a  mile  even  if  ho  had 


deeply  engrave!  on  the  silver  plate. 

Bnsinsss    done. — Debats     on 
reading  of  Naval  Prize  Bill. 


'•^ 


third 


LEAVE 


YOU,    I'AUTNEIt. 


aehind  him  a  bull  as  mad  as  an  indi- 
gent relation  left  unprovided  with  a 
snug  Government  appointment.  And 
what  's  a  '  cumber  '  ?  A  chamber  ? 
Well,  why  don't  you  say  so  ?  At  first 
I  thought  it  was  all  that  was  left  of  a 
cowcumber  after  HARRY  CHAPLIN  had 
lunched." 

At  end  of  two  hours'  discussion,  latter 


THE  ORDEAL  BY  FIREWORKS. 

ONE  sees,  with  not  unnatural  fears, 
How  plain  in  other  men  appears 
The  ravage  of  advancing  years. 

Thus,  in  the  case  of  What's-his-name, 
One  has  occasion  to  exclaim 
At  his  absurdly  bulky  frame. 

And  one  remarks  on  So-and-So's 
Increasing  fondness  for  repose, 
Or  notes  his  calmer  taste  in  hose. 

But  with  oneself  it's  hard  to  spot 
The  dreaded  symptoms,  is  it  not  ? 
One  often  is  deceived  a  lot. 

One  looks  into  the  mirror,  say, 
To  find  one's  hair  is  no  more  gray, 
So  it  appears,  than  yesterday ; 

Oi,  maybe,  casting  off  all  cares, 

One  frolics  through  the  hall  and  tears 

With  wild  abandon  up  the  stairs  ; 

And  in  such  moments,  highly-strung, 
One  murmurs  with  exultant  tongue 
"  Hooray !  Hooray  !  I  still  am  young  !  " 

Such  tests  are  most  unsound,  and  so 
I  publish,  free  of  charge,  below 
The  only  certain  one  1  know. 

If  Rockets  roaring  through  the  sky 
In  scorn  of  GUIDO  FAWKES  (or  GUY) 
Provoke  no  sparkle  in  his  eye, 

If  Wheels  and  Crackers  fail  to  thrill, 
If  Squibs  and  Bombs  fall  flatter  still, 
And  Roman  Candles  leave  him  chill, 

That  man  thereby  is  plainly  told 
I  To  bow  his  head  and  say  "  Behold ! 
:  I  know  that  I  am  growing  old !  " 


"  How  TO  VOTE. 
PLUMBERS  INADMISSIBLE  " 

says  The  Birmingham  Daily  Mail,  a 
propos  of  the  municipal  elections.  In 
this  narrowing  of  the  franchise  are  we  to 
see  the  Halsbury  Club  getting  to  work  ? 


"  Xaturally     acquainted     -with     the     Pcny 
lli'l  iqucs. " 

(The  DUKE  OF  NoBTHUMBERLAxn,  Treasurer 
of  the  Halslrary  Chili.) 


"But  this  is  a  hook  of  anecdotes,  and,  as  such, 
deserves  high  praise.  It  is  as  enlivening  as 
good  conversation — the  conversation  of  one  who 
has  had  rare  opportunities  of  being  in  good 
company." — Daily  News. 

All  the  more  credit  to  him  for  taking 
advantage  of  these  rare  occasions. 


"At  first  blush  this  Russian  ballet  is  con- 
ventional."— Daily  News. 

At  the  second  or  third  blush  one 
suspects  that  some  of  the  costumes 
may  be  unconventional. 


NOVEMHKU   8,    1911.] 


I'fXCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAIMV.MM. 


341 


TOBACCO  v,  OSCULATION. 

AT  a  meeting  held  in  Manchester  a 
few  days  ago,  a  campaign  against  the 
spread  of  tohacco- smoking  was  ad- 
vocated, a  suggestion  being  put  forward 
that  no  one  who  smoked  should  lie 
allowed  to  kiss.  If  this  advice  is 
followed,  it  will  be  rather  trying  for 
good  and  earnest  young  men,  in 
these  days  when  tho  modern  girl  is 
growing  more  and  more  addicted  to 
her  cigarette.  Thus : — 

To  LUCASTA,  ON  GOING  INTO  THE 

FRESH  AIR. 
Tell  me  not,  Sweete,  I  am  unkinde 

That  from  the  snuggerie 
Of  thy  chaste  smoakinge-roome  I  findo 

That  I  must  straightway  flee. 

To  light  a  weede  I  did  essay 
But  once,  when  I  was  rawe ; 

I  had  not  nypped  the  ende  away 
And  soe  it  would  not  drawe. 

Since  then,  Cigarres  I  have  forsworn, 

Nor  doe  I  love  to  licke 
A  Pipe,  and  fierie  Snuffe  I  scorn — 

In  sooth,  they  make  me  sicke. 

So  a  new  mistresse  now  I  chase 

If  one  there  can  be  scene 
Whose  lippes  doe  not  display  a  trace 

Of  pungent  nicotine. 

For  0  my  queasinesse  is  such 
As  sends  me  through  the  door ; 

Had  I  not  loved  fresh  aire  so  much, 
I  could  have  loved  thee  more.' 


A  CALENDAR  CURIOSITY. 

IT  was  next  Saturday,  the  second 
Saturday  of  November.  The  ballcock 
had  gone  wrong  again,  and  Montague, 
after  spending  a  grimy  hour  in  the 
cistern  loft  (while  Millicent  mopped  up 
the  flood  below  in  the  hope  of  saving 
the  ceilings),  sat  down  to  write  a 
stinger  to  the  plumber.  Hardly,  how- 
ever, had  he  seized  his  pen  with  savage 
enthusiasm,  when  he  threw  back  his 
head,  exclaiming — 

"  Heavens  above  us  !  " 

"  Is  it  coming  through  after  all  ?  " 
cried  Millicent,  who  was  sitting  on  the 
hearthrug  to  dry. 

"  Not  that  I  can  see,"  said  Montague, 
"but  have  you  noticed  anything  peculiar 
about  to-day,  as  a  day '?  " 

"  No,"  replied  Millicent,  wearily, 
"  only  that  I  'm  a  bit  fed  up  with  it." 

"  Fed  up  with  it,  indeed !  Why,  my 
good  woman,  to-day  is  an  eccentric, 
almost  unprecedented  phenomenon. 
Are  you  conscious  of  anything  extra- 
ordinary in  the  air  ?  " 

"  No,"  she  replied  thoughtfully, 
"  except  perhaps  it 's  been  a  bit  damp 
for  a  start." 


Mrs.  TiiHMS.  "Now  THE*,   JOBS  'EXERT,  YEK  »KI.FINH  LITTLE  isir!    J.ET   vr.n   KATHEK 

I'LAY   WITH   YER  !  " 


'.'  No,  no  ! "  said  Montague,  "  can't 
you  detect  anything  unusual  about  the 
passing  hours?  " 

"  Is  it  a  catch  ?  "  inquired  Millicent 
guardedly. 

"  A  catch — no !  To-day  is  unique  ; 
a  Phrenix,  a  chimera,  a  wonder,  a 
prodigy  among  days.  Coronations, 
cataclysms,  battles,  assassinations  and 
earthquakes  may  make  deep  records 
on  the  surface  of  the  years,  but  not  so 
deep  as  this  day.  Only  genuine  cen- 
tenarians have  seen  its  like,  and  merely 
a  handful  of  babes  will  assist  at  its 
recurrence.  My  dear  Millicent,  the 
twenty-four  hours  through  which  we 
are  now  passing  constitute  such  an 
extraordinary  occasion  that  I  really 
think  we  must  have  a  bottle  of 
champagne  for  dinner." 

"  By  all  manner  of  means,"  assented 
Millicent,  suddenly  brisking  up,  "  HOW 
if  you  like.  I  'm  quite  convinced  the 
occasion  is  worthy,  whatever  it  may 
be,  and,  if  you  mean  it  is  unique 
because  of  what  happened  upstairs,  all 
I  can  say  is,  I  'm  glad  to  hear  it." 


"  No,"  said  Montague,  "I  'm  alluding 
to  a  more  momentous  matter  than  the 
ballcock  business,  though  I  admit  it 
was  dating  my  letter  to  that  rascally 
plumber  made  me  think  of  it.  Now 
do  use  your  head  for  once.  What  it 
the  date?" 

"Oh,  don't  ask  me,"  Millicent  pro- 
tested. "  You  know  I  never  worry 
about  that  sort  of  thing.  Yvit,  gu< 

"Eleven,  eleven,  eleven,"  replied 
Montague. 

Millicent  appeared  unimpressed. 

"  All  ones  !  "  persisted  Montague. 

Millicent  shrugged  her  shoulders. 

"Dates  are  always  all  one  to  mr," 
she  said. 

"Tli.!  County  Coiiix-il's   M-t.'ritiary  iimpcrtor 

liy    MtnM    that    drath    wa*    <i 

anthrax,  and  was  cremated  l>y  the  ]>oli"-. 

J'wnbAiY.   . 

The  next  inspector  will  be  more  careful. 

"  \Vant«l  at  onrr,  a  good  all-roqiid  ware 
thrower."— .Wrt.  n  "UtjftV**.* 

An  opening  for  our  kitcben-mmids. 


CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


-THE  NOBLEST  REVENGE." 
["  The  Lord  Mayoralty  of  Sir  Thorn  us  Crosby, 
M  P.,  «i  I  !»•  pMUtonbl*  as  one  of  the  greatest 
,yster  years  i:i  liistory."— JJniliJ  Mail.} 

O  OYSTKHS,  are  ye  swarming  in, 
Remembering  ancient  quarrels, 

Now  that  a  man  of  medicine 
Is  crowned  with  civic  laurels? 

For  oft  you  've  bad  but  little  thanks 

And  many  a  hard  word  from  us, 
And  chiefly  from  those  learned  ranks 

Adorned  by  brave  Sir  THOMAS  ; 

i  | 

They  'vo  blamed  you  in  ungrateful  terms 

For  "  good."  enteric  cases, 
They  've  seen  us  send  you  drainy  germs, 

Then  flung  them  in  your  faces. 

So,  have  ye,  lying  in  your  beds, 
Or  roused  perhaps  to  sitting, 

Conceived  some  scheme   within    your 

heads 
Dramatically  fitting  ? 

Wagging  your  beards,  maybe  you  've 
sworn 

To  mark  my  lord's  election 
By  steady  efforts,  night  and  morn, 

"To  reach  a  plump  perfection  ; 

That  when  our  doctor  sits  to  dine, 

His  aldermen  around  him, 
Your  native  worth  so  clear  may  shine, 

Its  brightness  shall  confound  him. 

Maligned,  you  curb  your  righteous  ire 
In  moral  triumph  o'er  them, 

You  heap  their  heads  with  coals  of  fire, 
And  cast  your  pearls  before  them. 


THE  CO-OPERATORS. 

I  WOKE  up  suddenly  in  the  middle 
of  the  night,  in  a  cold  perspiration. 
Many  of  us  have  clone  that  before, 
especially  when  we  happened  to  be 
the  heroes  of  melodramatic  novels,  and 
have  always  known  instinctively  that 
something  was  wrong.  It  is  the  cold 
perspirat'on  that  puts  us  on  to  it. 
Perspiration  alone  would  mean  that 
we  had  too  many  clothes  on  the  bed  ; 
cold  alone,  that  we  had  not  enough. 
But,  when  you  get  the  two  combined, 
a  more  subtle  explanation  is  called  for. 
So  I  lay  awake  and  listened.  I  could 
hear  the  creaking  of  the  stairs  and 
could  detect  sounds  of  windows  being 
forced  open,  locks  being  filed,  bolts 
being  stealthily  withdrawn,  and  silver 
goods  being  abstracted  from  safes,  but 
I  could  hear  nothing  out  of  the  common, 
nor  had  reason  to  suppose  that  there 
were  more  than  the  customary  number 
of  burglars  and  murderers  below  stairs. 
"Same  old  sounds  and  same  ell 
ghosts,"  I  said  to  myself ;  "  it  must  be 
something  on  my  mind." 

A  little  flattered  to  discover  that  I 
had  a  mind,  I  went  into  the  matter 


carefully,  but  came  to  no  conclusion. 

ii     *          .   r     _.    *L     I    ..I     4-«    fvn    1-in^iL- 


There  was  nothing  for  it  but  to  go  back 
to  sleep,  so  "One,  two,  three,  four, 
five,"  i  said  out  loud,  to  attain  that 
object,  "six,  seven,  eight  ...  Ah ! 
that  is  it,  of  course.  It  is  Aspodestera  s 
birthday  on  the  eighth  and  to-morrow 
is  the  seventh.  1  shall  have  to  buy 
that  present  to-morrow.  Yes,"  I  said 
to  myself,  before  we  parted  company 


for  the  rest  of  the  night, 
right  to  perspire  coldly." 


I  was  quite 


Aspodestera  does  not  mind  reading 
books,  but  resolutely,  refuses  to  own 
them,  and,  outside  books,  there  is  no 
form  of  present  with  which  I  can  grap- 
ple. When  we  are  married  I  shall 
give  her  pipes  for  her  birthday  presents ; 
but  when  one  is  only  engaged  one  has 
to  be  altruistic  in  these  matters.  The 
only  presents  that  please  her  are  things 
to  wear,  and  it  is  quite  certain  that  she 
will  not  wear  them  unless  they  do 
please  her.  It  is  very  important  that 
Aspodestera  should  be  pleased. 

I  put  the  matter  to  Thompson  at 
breakfast,  who  got  into  conversation 
with  Draycott  during  the  morning,  and 
rang  me  up  at  noon  to  tell  me  that  the 
brother  of  the  man  who  works  with 
Draycott  had  been  in  the  same  difficulty 
and  had  found  that  there  was  a  shop 
in  Oxford  Street,  known  as  Peter  Dick- 
inson's. So.  I  went  there  at  once,  and 
was  greeted  by  an  engaging  gentleman 
in  a  frock  coat  and  a  number  of  smiles. 

"  Mornin',  Peter,"  said  I ;  "I  am 
quite  sure  that  I  don't  know  what  I 
want,  but,"  I  added,  catching  sight 
of  a  competent  person  behind  the 
counter,  "  I  've  no  doubt  your  daughter 
does." 

Peter  explained  that  the  young 
person  was  not  his  daughter,  but  it 
was  obvious  from  the  contempt  with 
which  they  treated  each  other  before 
strangers  that  they  were  relations  of 
some  sort.  Peter,  however,  was  gone 
before  I  could  question  him  further. 

"  Show  me  some  things,  please,"  I 
said  to  the  lady. 

She  showed  me  a  lot  of  things,  but 
I  am  afraid  I  did  not  understand  any 
of  them  and  always  said  the  wrong 
word  about  them.  Moreover,  I  didn't 
much  care  for  them;  they  did  not 
appear  to  me  to  be  strong  enough,  and 
one  never  seemed  to  be  offered  good 
weight  for  one's  money.  The  only 
thing  I  took  to  was  a  poplin  tie,  which 
happened  to  be  lying  on  the  counter 
(I  don't  think  she  meant  me  to  see 
that),  but  one  and  elevenpence  three 
seemed  to  be  cutting  it  a  little  fine/and 
even  at  that  I  was  not  sure  that  I 
wasn't  thinking  of  my  own  neck,  when 
I  liked  the  tie. 

So  we  wrangled  for  half-an-hour  and 


did  no  good.     Eventually,  "  Look  here,"  i  stand  each  other. 


I  said,  to  explain  what  the  trouble  was, 


I  am  engaged." 

"  All  right,"  she  replied,  being  a  little 
riled  by  this  time,  "you  needn't  take 
on  about  it.  I  'm  engaged  too." 

I  held  my  hand  out  to  her  across  the 
table.  "  Shake,"  I  said  ;  "  that 's  the 
best  bit  of  news  I  've  heard  for  many  a 
long  day.  In  the  first  place  it  lends 
an  air  of  solemnity  and  respectability 
to  the  situation,  and  in  the  second  it 
helps  us  out  of  it.  Does  Peter  ever 
have  birthdays  ?  " 

"  Who 's  Peter?  "  she  asked,  and,  to 
satisfy  her,  I  pretended  that  I  didn't 
know  that  Peter  was  her  man. 

"  Do  you  have  difficulty  in  getting 
his  birthday  presents  ?  " 

This  time  she  held  out  her  hand. 
"Shake  again,"  she  murmured;  "you 
and  I  are  fellow-sufferers."  We  shook 
again. 

"  We  need  not  shake  a  third  time," 
said  I,  "  but  I  think  we  might  perhaps 
trust  each  other.  What  price  do'you 
generally  run  to  on  those  occasions?  " 

"  Seven-and-six,"  she  confessed,  "  if 
you  must  know." 

"  Good.  Next  time  Peter — I  mean 
he — has  a  birthday,  send  a  postal  order 
for  that  amount  to  Mr.  Hampton,  Pipe 
Manufacturer,  Petty  Cury,  Cambridge, 
and  tell  him  to  send  a  straight-grain 
briar  '  as  supplied  by  you  to  Mr.  Lane.' 
I  am  Mr.  Lane,  and  he  and  I  may  be 
pretty  useless  in  a  ladies'  outfitting 
shop,  but  we  do  know  a  good  pipe  when 
we  see  it.  ...  Not  at  all,"  I  said,  as 
she  began  to  thank  me.  "And  now  for 
the  quid  pro  quo,"  I  added,  producing 
a  sovereign. 

She  laughed  pleasantly,  partly  be- 
cause she  saw  me  laughing  and  knew 
there  was  an  old  jest  somewhere  and 
partly  to  conceal  her  lack  of  classical 
education. 

"  Now  select  me  something  that  the 
future  Mrs.  Lane  cannot  help  liking 
and  wrap  it  up  in  a  nice  parcel.  You 
need  not  trouble  to  show  it  to  me." 

There  was  some  mention  of  the 
word  "  Ninon,"  but  whether  in  refer- 
ence to  the  lady  or  the  goods  I  could 
not  say.  Beyond  that  I  have  no  idea 
what  was  the  present  I  sent  to  Aspo- 
destera, nor  why  it  gave  so  much 
satisfaction.  But,  above  all,  I  beg  of 
you  to  regard  this  information  as 
strictly  between  you  and  me.  If  you 
are  mean  enough  to  give  me  away 
and  to  undeceive  Aspodestera  as  to 
my  skill  and  good  taste,  she  is  sure 
to  throw  me  over  in  disgust.  Then 
I  don't  know  what  I  shall  do. 

On  second  thoughts  I  am  quite  clear 
what  I  shall  do.  I  shall  get  Peter 
Dickinson  to  die  and  shall  marry  his 
fiancee..  She  and  I,  at  any  rate,  under- 


8»  1911-1  PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


343 


S 

INTKU, 


OFFENCE  IS  THE  TRUEST  DEFENCE. 

\:tlir  (entertaining  a  few  friends  in  the  absence  of  his  master,   vlw  has  returned  unerpcctcdly).     "MosT   BNWAERANTALABLE 

SIGN,     SlK  ;      WITH     RESPECT    I    BEG    TO    GIVE   NOTICE." 


SPOT  CASH. 

"  £20  or  so  easily  earned  before 
Xmas  in  whole  or  spare  time,"  was 
what  I  read  on  the  advertisement 
page  of  my  morning  paper.  I  looked 
at  the  calendar — November  the  first — 
and  then  at  my  wife.  She  saw  me 
and  asked  if  she  had  forgotten  the  sugar. 

I  waved  my  hand  loftily.  "  My 
dear  Belinda,  this  is  no  trifling  matter 
of  sugar,  despite  the  rise.  I  am  not 
even  commenting  on  the  bacon,  which 
could  hardly  be  worse  at  one  and  a 
penny." 

"  One  and  two,"  interposed  my  wife 
softly. 

"  I  have  simply  dscided  that  you 
and  I  will  make  forty  or  fifty  pounds 
in  our  spare  time  before  Christmas." 

"  Fancy ! "  said  Belinda ;  and  I 
looked  up  sharply,  but  her  face  was 
demure. 

"  Yes,"  I  went  on  slowly.  "  It 
works  out  at  about  seven  pounds  a 
week  pocket  money.  By  no  means  to 
be  despised,  my  dear." 

"  No,  indeed,"  said  she. 

"  I  shall  write  at  once  for  the 
'  Eldorado  Spot  Cash  Private  Greeting 
Card  Album,  which  contains  a  choice 
selection  of  100  magnificent  profit- 
pulling  gems.  Once  your  friends  have 
seen  this'  Album  they  will  buy  no 
other  Xmas  cards.  Agents  allowed 


munificent  percentages.'  Belinda,  pass 
me  a  postcard." 

When  I  had  finished  writing  it  my 
wife  asked  me  if  I  were  going  to  the 
office  that  morning,  a  question  rendered 
ridiculous  by  my  regular  habits  of  the 
past  fifteen  years.  I  told  her  so. 

"  I  "m  sorry,  Albert,"  she  said,  "  but 
I  thought,  instead  of  earning  fifty 
pounds  in  spare  time,  we  might  manage 
a  couple  of  hundred  in  whole  time." 

"  Look  here,  Belinda,"  said  I,  "  apart 
from  the  self-evident  folly  of  your 
remark  (for  we  cannot  possibly  get  the 
S.  C.  Album  until  the  day  after  to- 
morrow), it  shows  that  you  evidently 
don't  think  we  shall  make  anything 
out  of  these  Eldorado  people." 

"  Do  you  ?  "  she  queried. 

"Certainly,"  I  replied  coldly. 

"  Well,  darling,  I  'm  sorry,  and  I  do 
believe  we  shall  if  you  say  so." 

"  I  'm  glad  of  that,"  said  I,  some- 
what mollified ;  "  but  I  don't  like  your 
j  invariably  hostile  attitude  to  adver- 
tisements. And  you  have  a  reprehen- 
sible distrust  of  anything  with  which 
you  are  not  personally  familiar.  It — 
it  isn't  quite  womanly." 

"  N-no,  Albert." 

"  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  I  want  to 
see  you  foolishly  credulous,  ready  to 
accept  anything  as  genuine  that  sounds 
well.  But  I  do  like  a  woman  to  be 
confiding,  unsuspicious." 


"  Ye-es,  of  course  it  is  nice.  I  'm 
glad  we  're  going  to  get  the  8.  C. 
cards  ;  and,  Albert,  darling " 

"  Yes,  love,"  said  I,  complacently. 

"  Could  you  let  me  have  my  first 
week's  three  pound  ten  in  advance?  " 


THE    OBJECT-LESSON. 

FLUKES ! 

Well,  the  thing  came  to  such  a  pass 
when  Hughes  was  here  the  other 
night  that  I  went  straight  off  to  the 
cabinet-maker  in  the  morning. 

"  Look  here,"  I  said,  "  do  you  think 
you  could  make  me  a  scoring-board 
for  billiards  ?  " 

"  Nothing  easier,"  he  answered. 

That  was  absurd,  of  course,  because 
any  one  without  thinking  could  name 
a  hundred  easier  things  to  make ;  but 
it  showed  that  he  hod  a  willing  heart. 

"  It  must  be  ready  by  next  Tuesday 
week,"  I  said,  "  because  I  have  a 
friend  "  (friend  is  good)  "  coming  to 
p'ay  me.  He  comes  every  other  Tues- 
day." 

"  Is  the  old  one  broken,  then  ?  "  ho 
asked. 

"Broken!"  I  replied.  "No,  al- 
though it 's  a  wonder  it  isn't,  with  the 
appalling  luck  the  man  has.  No,  it 's 
not  broken.  The  trouble  is,  it  doesn't 
say  enough.  The  time  has  come  for  a 
scoring-board  in  a  gentleman's  billiard- 


344 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


room  to  be  something  more  than  a 
scoring-board  :  it  has  got  to  be  a  critic, 
too,  a  censor,  an  instructor  in  decency." 
The  cabinet-maker  whistled.  "  Has 
it  ?  "  he  said.  "  Lumme !  what  price 
the  scoring  -  board  at  the  '  King's 
Arms'  then,  when  we  play  snooker 
and  old  Eicketts  loses  his  'air  ?  "  Hi 
laughed.  "  But  just  explain,  Sir." 

So  I  explained.  I  took  out  of  m 
pocket  the  design  I  had  already  made 
and  we  worked  it  out  together.  Firs 
of  all  we  took  the  ordinary  row  o 
figures — 1  to  20 — and  the  hundreds,  fo 
spot  and  plain.  "  Under  these,"  I  said 
'•I  want  a  series  of  similar  rows  fo 
both  spot  and  plain — the  first  to  be 
entitled  'Flukes,'  where  we  will  marl 
everything  that  either  player  obtains 
by  undue  luck." 

"  Yes,"  said  the  cabinet-maker ;  "  bu 
how  are  you  going   to  decide  what 's 
luck  and  what  isn't  ?  " 

"  There's  never  any  doubt,"  I  replied 
"  in  the  case  of  the  man  I  'm  having 
this  little  object-lesson  prepared  for 
The  next  row,"  I  said,  "shall  be  en- 
titled 'Good  strokes,'  and  the  third. 
'Eeally  good  strokes."  " 

"  There  '11  be  some  argufying  there," 
said  the  cabinet-maker. 

"  Perhaps,"  I  replied ;  "  but  we  shall 
manage  it  somehow.  After  this,"  I 
said,  "I  want  a  final  row  to  be  entitled 
'  Rotten.' " 

"  More  argufying  over  that,"  said  the 
cabinet-maker. 

"  Now  in  the  game  as  I  intend  it 
shall  be  played  in  my  house,"  I  con- 
tinued, "everything  shall  be  recorded, 
as  now,  on  the  top  rows;  while  the 
strokes  shall  also  receive  their  points 
under  the  classification  below.  Then 
at  the  end  of  the  game,  when  the  100 
has  been  reached,  deductions  for  flukes 
and  rotten  strokes  and  additions  for 
strokes  of  particular  merit,  will  be 
made;  and  it  is  exceedingly  likely,"  I 
added,  "  that  the  fable  of  the  hare  and 
the  tortoise  will  be  exemplified  and  the 
apparent  loser  really  be  the  winner. 
Thus  justice  will  be  done  and  true 
ability  rewarded." 

"M'yes,"  said  the  cabinet-maker, 
thinking  no  doubt  of  the  bad  temper  of 
the  '  King's  Arms  '  crowd. 

The  new  board  arrived  punctually  on 
the  Tuesday  afternoon,  and  in  the 
evening  Hughes  came  round  for  our 
regular  game.  I  drew  his  attention  to 
the  hoard  and  explained  its  purpose. 

"Very  ingenious  and  interesting," 
he  said.  "  It 's  your  turn  to  begin." 

"Right,"  I  said,  addressing  myself 
to  my  ball.  "  1  'm  tired  of  giving  a 
miss ;  I  'II  bring  the  balls  back  into 
baulk." 

Taking  my  usual  careful  aim  for  a 
half-ball  shot  at  the  red,  I  made  the 


stroke.  My  ball  just  touched  it  on  th 
right  side  and  cut  it  into  the  top  left 
hand  pocket,  while  my  own  ball  return 
ing  from  the  top  cushion  ran  straigh 
as  a  train  into  the  right-hand  bottoir 
pocket. 

After  a  while  Hughes  spoke, 
suppose  you  didn't  burn  the  old  scoring 
board  when  you  had  this  one  made  ?  ' 
he  inquired. 

There  is   something   peculiarly  dis 
gusting    about    a    confirmed    linker's 
magnanimity. 

. 
THE  EPIDEMIC. 

A  STRIKE  for  increased  wages  and 
shorter  hours  broke  out  yesterday 
among  the  Private  Members  employee 
at  Westminster,  and  at  the  time  ol 
writing  no  prospect  of  settlement 
between  the  men  and  the  Government 
is  apparent.  The  demands  include 
overtime  for  all-night  sittings  and  the 
abolition  of  Autumn  sessions.  The 
attitude  of  the  public  towards  the  re- 
volting wage-earners  is  one  of  apathy. 

Later. — A  deputation  waited  on 
the  PRIME  MINISTER  to-day  with  the 
minimum  demands  of  the  men.  The 
Government's  reply  was  a  firm  refusal 
of  recognition. 

A  number  of  defeated  Candidates 
paraded  Whitehall  to-night  demanding 
the  right  to  work.  They  were  quickly 
dispersed. 

Several  speakers,  who,  before  the 
strike,  had  been  observed  in  the  libraries 
of  the  National  Liberal  and  the  Consti- 
tutional, working  up  facts,  decided  to- 
night that  they  could  not  endure  to 
remain  out  with  their  speeches  un- 
delivered, and  attempted  to  re-enter  tl 
House.  Successfully  intimidated,  on 
;he  lower  jaw,  by  peaceful  picketers, 
they  were  induced  to  destroy  the  notes 
of  their  speeches  and  to  return. 

Speaking  at  Torquay  last  night,  the 
HOME  SECRETARY  stated  that  the  Gov- 

irnment  was  determined  to  carry  on 
the  business  of  the  country  and  would 
make  arrangements  enabling  it  to 
enrol  members  of  debating  societies, 
suburban  "  parliaments,"  etc.,  in  order 
to  provide  the  respective  front  benches 
with  suitable  supporters.  The  new 
Volunteer  Constables  (including  many 
strikers)  would,  if  necessary,  be  called 
aut  to  enforce  these  arrangements. 
Only  in  the  last  resort  would  the  mili- 

ary  be  employed. 

Some  light  upon  the  matter  of  the 
urther  intentions  of  the  Government 
s  perhaps  cast  by  the  fact  that  the 


PRIME  MINISTER  and  the  LEADER  OP 
THE  OPPOSITION  have  each  placed  an 
order  for  200  gramophones  capable  of 
reproducing  loud  and  prolonged  cheers. 

No  settlement  has  yet  taken  place. 
In  order  to  excite  public  sympathy 
with  their  complaint  about  all-night 
sittings,  three  Members  who  had  pur- 
posely refrained  from  going  to  bed  for 
two  nights  this  morning  paced  slowly 
up  Whitehall,  attracting  a  wide  atten- 
tion by  their  haggard  appearance. 

Latest. — A  settlement  was  reached 
quite  suddenly  this  afternoon.  By  its 
terms  each  Private  Member  will  receive 
ninepence  an  hour  for  all  time  worked 
after  suspension  of  Standing  Orders, 
this  sum  to  be  increased  to  one  shilling 
per  hour  during  such  time  as  the 
Member  cannot  remain  in  the  Lobby 
and  is  compelled  to  hear  speeches  in 
order  to  maintain  a  quorum. 


THE   WORST   FAULT   OF   ALL. 

[Addressed  to  a  certain  type  of  heroine  >» 
.atter-day  fiction.] 

YOUR  feminine  qualities  (so-called) 

engage 

To  quite  an  alarming  degree 
The  pens  of  this  too  analytical  age, 

0  complex,  inscrutable  She ! 

You're  a  curious  blend  that  the  pub- 
lishers sell 

Of  philosopher,  savage  and  doll ; 
And  aren't  you  a  little  bit  crazy,  as 

well, 
Ma  soeur,  of  the  six-shilling  vol. '! 

Don 't  you  find  it  too  warm  in  the  mask 

beneath  mask 

That  you  and  your  sisterhood  wear  ? 
\nd  how  many  must  we  pull  oft'  ere 

we  ask 
Not  wholly  in  vain,  Are  you  there  ? 

You  pose  as  the  X  in  the  problem  of 

life, 

The  riddle  that  cannot  be  guessed, 
Sphinx-maiden,  and  Sphinxier  still  as 

a  wife — 

1  wish  they  would  give  you  a  rest ! 

A  mysterious  monster  you  may  be,  my 

dear. 

With  a  nature  none  dares  to  explore ; 
But   one   of  your   faults   is   becoming 

quite  clear, 

The   worst    fault   of    all — you  're   a 
bore! 


'Nothing  is  more  trying  to  a  man's  nerves 
han  an  enemy  creeping  at  a  distance  and  firing 
very  minute." — LonJ  7i'«'"v/<. 

Still  we  prefer  even  this  to  an  enemy 
reeping  close  at  hand  and  firing  every 
econd. 


NOVEMBER  8.  1911.]  PUNCH)   QR  THE  LONDON~CIUSVAKL 


340 


WITH    THE   STRATFORD-ON-AVON    HUNT.    NO.   1. 

''EYES,  LOOK  YOUR  LAST!  ARMS,  TAKE  vofii  LAST  EMBRACE  !  "—Komeo  and  Juliet. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerics.) 
THERE  is  no  resisting  Mr.  MAURICE  HEWLETT.  Like  a 
gray,  swirling  river  running  underneath  one  of  his  own 
many  -  turreted  castles,  he  carries  me  away,  catching 
vainly  at  poor  straws  of  criticism,  as,  for  instance,  whether 
it  is  necessary  to  say  certain  things  so  plainly  as  he  does 
at  times,  and  whether  blind  fiddlers  really  talked  like  that 
in  the  "  dim  days  when  King  Maximilian  III.  ruled  over 
Jatlis."  And  then  the  names !  In  The  Song  of  Penny 
(MACMILLAN)  they  are  a  listed  tournament  in  themselves  : 
Gernnlf  da  Salas,  Stephen  of  Havilot,  Joyetdx  Saber, 
Man- i lion,  Campflors,  the  Countess  of  Gru.  And  Mr. 
HEWLETT  has  all  their  history  and  all  their  heraldry  at  his 
fingers'  end,  so  that  you  blush  for  shame  that  you  did  not 
know  about  them  before.  My  principal  complaint  con- 
cerning The  Song  of  Benny  is  that  the  lied  Earl  of 
Pikpomtz,  who  had  a  playful  habit  of  killing  retainers 
with  a  blow  of  his  fist,  and  carried  off  one  of  the  Bennys, 
after  murdering  her  kinsfolk,  and  married  another  at  the 
sword's  point — that  this  nice  fellow,  who  had  got  to  be  a 
sort  of  favourite  with  me,  in  spite  of  his  villainy,  because 
of  his  strength  and  his  courage,  was  not  provided  with  a 
more  sterling  exit.  I  had  hoped  for  a  scene  like  the  death 
of  Hereward  the  Wake,  or  a  duel  like  that  between  John 
liidd  and  Carver  Doone,  but  I  was  disappointed.  The  love 
scenes,  however,  between  Mabilla  Benny,  wife  of  the  Ked 
Earl,  and  her  tame  poet,  Lanccilhot  Paulet,  the  Campflors 
lutanist,  are  in  Mr.  HEWLETT'S  own  unapproachable 
manner,  and  -it  will  not  surprise  anyone  acquainted  with 
his  works  to  hear  that  they  escaped  from  the  castle  of 
Speir,  and  wandered  together  for  a  night  and  a  day  in  the 


snow ;  nor  that  their  love  triumphed  in  the  end.  But  it 
may  easily  surprise  anyone  that  this  same  Lanceilhot 
Paulet  should  be  called  L'erbet  on  page  371,  line  22. 

Dormant,  even  though  it  is  from  the  pen  of  E.  NESHIT 
and  from  the  house  of  METHUEN,  does  not  give  satisfaction. 
If  heroes  must  practise  the  unusual  profession  of  corpse- 
reviving,  they  must  either  proceed  in  so  plausible  a  manner 
that  they  convince  for  the  moment,  or  must  achieve  such 
remarkable  results  that  the  impossibility  is  forgiven  for  the 
sake  of  the  moral  or  the  laugh.  When,  after  two  hundred 
and  ten  pages  of  palaver,  Anthony  Drelincourt  brings  his 
Eugenia  to  life,  he  leaves  his  reader  cold.  He  gives  no 
hint  of  his  methods,  and  no  engrossing  issues  or  deduction-, 
follow  his  miracle.  The  sub-plot  of  thwarted  love  might 
have  aroused  sympathy  but  for  the  fact  that  /lose,  the  girl 
who  had  been  alive  all  the  time  but  was  thrown  over  for 
the  resuscitated  beauty,  is  one  of  those  brusquely  efficient 
young  persons  whom  authoresses  wrongly  suppose  to  be 
the  ideal  of  their  sex,  and  men  intent  on  falling  in  love 
especially  avoid.  The  youth  and  the  joie  de  rirre  and  the 
aohemianism  of  her  and  her  friends  were  forced  and  unreal, 
and  one  roads  without  regret  of  her  being  jilted  even  for  a 
ady  who  had  been  dead  these  fifty  years.  The  mystery  of 
t  all,  though  carefully  sustained  in  the  telling  of  the  storv, 
cannot  have  been  intended  as  an  attraction  to  possible 
readers,  since  it  is  deliberately  given  away  in  great  par- 
)icularity  by  a  summary  of  the  novel  which  appears  on 
ts  outside  paper  cover.  Lastly,  I  have  too  genuine  a 
respect  for  the  spontaneous  and  light-hearted  genius  of  the 
•eal  E.  NESBIT  to  urge  in  favour  of  this  book  what  is 
iterally  true,  that  great  pains  have  obviously  been  taken 
over  it. 


346 


PUNCH,   OB  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  8,  1911. 


You  remember  what  the  Duke,  in  Patience  says  about  the 
effect  of  a  diet  of  unvaried  toffee  ?  Well,  that  is  rather  how 
I  felt  myself  after  the  perusal  of  KATE  DOUGLAS  WIGGIN'S 
latest  story,  Mother  Carey  (HooDEB  AND  STOUGHTON).  It  is 
so  very  sweet.  I  know  that  there  are  persons  in  plenty 
who  will  go  into  raptures  over  it ;  who  will  delight  in  the 
charming  children,  and  their  adorable  mother,  and  their 
kindly  landlord  and  their  perfect  neighbours.  All  I  will 
say  is  just  what  a  nice  and  very  much  more  human  child 
of  my  acquaintance  said  of  the  Siviss  Family  Robinson, 
"  Thev  seem  to  have  been  very  lucky !  "  Seriously,  though 

•  .  .  .   ...»1  iTr*  111, 


I  can  "take  my  dash  of  sentiment  with  the  best,  I 
the  clever  author  has  here  slightly 
overdone  the  dose.  However,  I 
suppose  she  knows  what  people 
like;  certainly  the  fact  that  the 
publishers  announce  the  book 
as  a  companion  story  to  Rebecca 
of  Sunnybrook  Farm  would  seem 
to  show  that  it  is  expected  to 
meet  a  popular  demand.  I  am 
sorry,  because  the  effect  produced 
upon  me  was  that  of  real  talent 
debased.  As  for  the  story  itself, 
it  is  about  a  perfect  mother,  who, 
being  left  a  young  widow  with 
several  perfect  children,  retires  to 
economise  in  a  kind  of  barley- 
sugar  cottage,  whose  landlord 
declines  to  take  any  rent  beyond 
a  tribute  of  wild  flowers,  and 
eventually  marries  his  son  to  the 
eldest  daughter.  What  aston- 
ished me  was  that  nobody  mar- 
ried Mother  Carey ;  but  perhaps 
that  came  later.  I  cannot  help 
thinking  that,  if  rural  life  in 
America  is  really  like  that,  I 
have  been  strangely  misinformed. 


feel  that 


however,  against  which  I  must  protest,  where  the  author 
allows  Purvis,  the  otherwise  convincing  villain,  to  preserve 
for  so  many  years,  and  even  rescue  from  a  burning  house, 
the  document  which  could  at  any  moment  have  exposed 
him.  I  cannot  altogether  believe  in  Purvis. 


If  I  had  to  select  any  one  word 
to  describe  the  chief  character- 
istic of  Peter  and  Jane(M.ETHVEN) 
I  think  it  should  be  "  vivacity." 
There  is  a  spirit  and  animation 
about  Miss  MACNAUGHTEN'S  tale, 
and  her  manner  of  telling  it, 
which  quite  disguises  the  fact 
that  the  material  upon  which  it 
is  founded  is  by  no  means  of  the 
newest.  Fiction  has  known 

heroes  in    plenty,   before  Peter,  _  

who,  in  the  moment  of  succeeding  to  a  great  estate,  find 
themselves  confronted  with  the  existence  of  an  unsuspected 
elder  brother.  And  the  letter-writer  who  falls  dead  in  the 
middle  of  the  very  sentence  that  would  have  explained  all 
has  done  so,  to  my  certain  knowledge,  many  times  pre- 
viously. But  this  is  of  no  great  consequence  if  the  result  is 
sufficiently  entertaining.  And  Peter  and  Jane  certainly  is 
that.  The  early  part,  in  which  the  characters  just  live  about 
in  nice  houses  and  talk  pleasantly,  showed,  not  for  the  first 
time,  that  the  author  has  a  gift  for  natural  comedy.  Later, 
when  the  action  shifts  into  the  Argentine  and  melodrama' 
I  simply  couldn't  put  the  book  down  till  I  had  finished  it. 
Ihroughout  its  course  you  will  find  many  excellent  bits  of 
character-drawing.  My  favourite  by  a  long  way  (and  I 
fancy  Miss  MACNAUGHTEN'S  also)  was  Canon  Wrottesley,  an 
engaging  poseur  with  a  trick  of  dramatising  himself  to  suit 
circumstances.  There  is  one  glaring  improbability 


In  Love  like  the  Sea  (HEINEMANN)  Mr.  J.  E.  PATTERSON'S 
method  and  equipment  serve  him  best  for  his  spirited 
descriptions  of  the  savagely  masterful  element  he  so 
evidently  knows  and  loves,  and  for  his  handling  of  the 
details  of  sea-craftsmanship,  of  which  he  convinces  me,  a 
peculiarly  guileless  type  of  landsman,  that  he  is  a  master. 

He  is  less  happy  in  a  derived  and 
tentative  manner  of  treating  his 
Minehead  as  if  it  were  The  Five 
Towns  ;  yet  clearly  he  has  studied 
his  portraits  with  sympathy,  and 
believes  in  their  originals  as  hand- 
some, wholesome  folk,  courageous 
against  the  currents  of  evil  in 
a  refreshingly  old-fashioned  way. 
He  gives  you  a  theme  of  tragic 
interest :  a  young  fisherman  mar- 
ried to  a  dipsomaniac,  with  a  tcr- 
tium  quid  in  shape  of  the  gentle, 
second-sighted  Mary  Milroy, 
friend  to  both  and  (saving  her 
loyalty)  steadily  growing  more 
than  friend  to  Derreck,  the 
husband.  She  is  a  mystic  and 
a  writer  of  honest,  negligible 
verses  ;  a  charming  if  somewhat 
shadowy  heroine.  The  story 
moves  with  cross  currents  and 
vexing  storms  to  the  haven  of  a 
satisfactory  ending.  A  compla- 
cent "reader"  has  evidently 
abetted  the  author  in  some  odd 
experiments  in  spelling,  punctu- 
ation and  word-coinage. 

The  heroine,  aged  twelve,  of 
Pollyooly  (MILLS  AND  BOON) 
embarked  upon  her  fictional 
career  with  no  parents,  twenty- 
two  shillings  and  a  baby  brother 
— called  The  Liimp.  To  keep 
this  infant  with  the  ponderous 
name  from  drifting  into  the  work- 
house was  her  problem,  and  how 
she  solved  it  is  most  entertain- 
ingly told  by  Mr.  EDGAR  JEPSON. 
Children  with  angel  faces — and  Pollyooly  was  a  "  genuine 
angel  child  " — are  dangerous  material  for  novelists  to  deal 
with,  but  apart  from  her  countenance  and  her  scrupulous 
honesty  there  was  nothing  genuinely  angelic  about 
Pollyooly — whatever  Mr.  JEPSON  may  say.  Indeed  some 
of  her  contrivances  to  add  to  her  £1  2s.  and  the  ardour 
with  which  she  smacked  the  heads  of  rude  boys  convinced 
me  that  she  was  born  with  her  fair  share  of  original  sin.  But 
lest  I  should  give  too  robust  an  impression  of  her  character 
I  must  in  justice  add  that  although  she  belaboured  rude 
boys  she  was  quite  ready  to  kiss  a  nice  one  when  occasion 
offered.  Of  Pollyooly' 's  history  I  beg  all  child-lovers  to  read, 
for  although  Mr.  JEPSON  once  or  twice  leans  rather  heavily 
upon  the  arm  of  coincidence,  he  has  never  allowed  liis 
fertile  imagination  really  to  go  out  of  bounds.  Numerous 
other  character-sketches,  slight  but  clever,  help  to  give 
distinction  to  a  delightful  story. 


Customer.   "  CA'  YOU  'AKE  'E  UP  A  PERSKiFriVE  FOR  A 

BAD   COWD  ?  " 

Chemist.   "CERTAINLY.  HAVE  YOU  GOT  THE  PRESCRIPTION 

WITH  YOU  ?  " 

Customer.   "No;    BUD  I  GOT  THE  COWD." 


NOVEMBER  15,  1911.] 


PUNCH, 


CHARIVARIA. 

IN  Labour  circles  Mr.  AsQrrni's 
promise  of  Universal  Suffrage  is  con- 
sidered good  so  far  as  it  gees,  but  it 
is  being  asked,  Why  no  salaries  foi 
voters  ? 

*  * 

According  to  The  Express,  Mr.  BAL- 
FOUB  did  not  liave  to  wait  long  for  con 
firmation  of  his  resignation.  As  lie  left 
the  City  Committee  Room,  where  he 
had  made  the  announcement,  a  news- 
boy held  out  a  paper  to  him,  and  cried, 
"  Resignation  of  Mr.BALFoun — official." 
"  It 's  true,  then,"  the  ex-Leader  is  said 
to  have  remarked. 

* ,  # 

It  is  rumoured  that  Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL'S  voyage  in  the  submarine 
has  caused  some  little  annoyance  to 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE,  who  had  hitherto 
looked  upon  himself  as  the  Minister 
for  the  Submerged. 

:|:     :;: 
* 

"The  present  trend  of  legislation,'' 
says  Mr.  RUDYARD  KIPLING,  "  is  making 
milksops  of  the  democracy."  But  is 
this  quite  true '?  Mr.  BURNS  anyhow 
has  abandoned  for  the  present  his 
measure  for  making  pure-milksops  of  us. 

The  proprietor  of  a  well-known 
livery  establishment  informed  an  inter- 
viewer that  he  always  kept  a  number 
of  spare  horses,  but  that  they  were  all 
out  during  the  taxi  strike.  We  can 
well  believe  this.  Quite  a  feature  o( 
our  streets  was  the  number  of  extremely 
spare  horses  one  saw  about. 

Turkey's  policy,  it  is  now  said,  is  to 
be  her  traditional  one  of  Waiting.  She 
forgets,  perhaps,  that  there  are  also  a 
great  many  Waiters  in  the  Italian  army. 

In  Germany  the  Moroccan  settle- 
ment still  fails  to  please.  It  is  felt 
that  the  CHANCELLOR  has  given  away 
not  only  the  Duck's  Beak  in  the 
Cameroons,  but  also  a  piece  of  the 
Eagle's  Beak  at  homo. 

From  The  Ei-csham  Journal : — 

"  RAILWAY  TROUBLES. 
ALL   ROUND   INCREASE   ON   THE   CHEAT 

WESTERN  AND  N.W." 
That 's   what    we   feared   about   these 

troubles  ;  they  increase  so  fast. 
-'.-  * 

According  to  Dr.NANSEN, "  Our  civil- 
ization is  trivial.  Its  object  is  to  make 
everybody  like  everybody  else  all  over 
the  world.''  Sometimes  we  fancy  its 
object  is  to  make  everybody  dislike 

everybody  else. 

#  * 

:;; 

All  the  school  teachers  at  Lugano 
have  gone  on  strike  owing  to  a  differ- 


C  10  (searching  hen-coop  for  suspected  burglar). 
Falsetto  Voice.  "ONLY  us  CHICKENS!" 


'Wno's  IN  THUR-R!" 


ence  with  the  educational  authorities. 
With  splendid  loyalty  the  little  pupils 
are  standing  by  the  teachers,  and 

urging  them  not  to  give  way. 

*  * 

The  Morning  Post,  in  its  report  of  a 
statement  made  by  Sir  EDWARD  GBEY 
in  the  course  of  the  debate  on  the 
Declaration  of  London,  gives  us  a 
capital  idea  of  the  uncertain  and  con- 
fusing nature  of  the  provisions  of  that 
document.  "  Sir  E.  GREY  remarked," 
our  contemporary  tells  us,  "  that  the 
question  whether  a  Prize  Court 
should  be  set  up  or  not  had  already 
would  prevent  any  great  Colonial 
jurist  being  again  and  again  (Hear, 
near)." 


A  consignment  of  potatoes  absolutely 
black  in  colour  lias  been  placed  upon 
the  market.  It  is  thought  that  senti- 
mental folk  will  prefer  to  have  these 
when  in  mourning. 

"Professor  II.  H.  Turner  dealt  very  largely 
with  recent  work  on  the  movements  of  the  stars, 
especially  with  those  movement*  which  wvm  to 
indicate  that  some  stars  move  in  Hocks  like 
migrating  birds.  The  chief  of  these  flock*, 
whose  movements  were  due  to  the  work  of 
Professor  Boss,  awx-nrcd  to  be  a  <  luster  in  the 
constellation  of  Taurus." — Daily  Urnpkit. 

We  had  no  idea  that  Professor  Boss 
was  doing  it,  though  we  might  have 
guessed  it  from  his  name.  But  why  he 
should  chivy  th.3  stars  about  we  cannot 
understand. 


VOL.    CX  LI. 


348 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVAKL_       [NOVEMBER  15,  1911. 


THE    NIBLICK    CLUB. 

I  HAVE  always  contended  that  golf 
would  be  an  ideal  game  for  middle  age 
if  it  were  not  for  golfers.  The  only 
possible  arrangement,  if  you  are  to 
have  your  game  and  at  the  same  time 
escape  contact  with  this  deplorable 
type,  is  to  have  a  house  of  your  own 
a-.ljoining  the  tenth  tee  and  so  avoid  the 
atmosphere  of  the  club-house.  There 
may  still  be  two  or  more  intolerable 
people  in  front  of  you  to  keep  you  back, 
and  two  or  more  in  your  rear  to  press 
you  forward,  but  apart  from  distant 
exchanges  of  abuse  there  is  no  need  to 
hold  any  intercourse  with  your  fellow- 
members. 

I  am  not,  either  congenially  or  by 
acquired  taste,  a  misanthrope,  yet  the 
moment  I  enter  a  golf  club-house  I 
detest  my  brother  man.  So  offensive 
is  the  air  of  breeziness  and  brutal 
health  and  general  self-satisfaction 
that  radiates  from  the  typical  golfer. 
You  will,  perhaps,  challenge  this 
charge  of  self-satisfaction  :  you  will 
contend  that  the  golfer  never  admits 
that  he  has  done  himself  justice; 
always  a  conspiracy  of  evil  chances 
has  ruined  the  fine  score  of  which 
he  alleges  himself  to  be  capable.  I 
answer  that  this  is  the  worst  form  of 
self-satisfaction,  because  it  has  not  the 
excuse  of  actual  achievement.  In  any 
case  I  suffer  an  equal  boredom  whether 
he  tells  'jie  that  he  lay  dead  (would 
that  this  were  not  a  mere  figure  of 
speech)  at  the  seventh  hole  in  two,  or 
that  a  mole-cast  on  the  fourteenth 
green  robbed  him  of  a  "  par  "  four.  I 
don't  want  to  know  anything  about 
him  or  his  game.  I  think  I  would 
actually  sooner  listen  to  a  hunting- 
man's  shop. 

But  even  when  a  golfer  is  silent 
about  his  game  there  is  still  the  offence 
of  his  aspect.  For  most  other  outdoor 
games  you  need  a  figure  suggestive  of 
strength  or  agility  or  courage  or  en- 
durance. But  for  golf  you  can  be  any 
shape  you  like,  or  even  merely  amor- 
phous. So  long  as  you  have  your 
lower  limbs  under  control  and  can  wave 
a  stick  there  need  be  no  limit  to  your 
girth  or  flabbiness  or  senility. 

Nor  is  there  any  established  costume 
for  the  game,  now  that  the  old  red 
coat,  which  at  least  took  the  eye  like  a 
pillar-box,  has  been  discarded,  save  on 
rare  commons  where  it  is  still  retained 
as  a  danger  signal  to  nursemaids. 
And  even  in  the  days  of  the  red  coat 
there  were,  as  now,  the  trouserists  and 
the  knickerbockerites,  .and  none  could 
say  which  were  the  more'cdrrect. 

One  would  have  thought  that  one's 
opportunities  of  communion  with  this 
strange  medley  of  humanity  were 


already  more  than  adequate.  Yet  there 
lies  before  me  at  this  moment  the  pro- 
spectus of  The  Niblick  Club,  forwarded 
with  an  invitation  to  me  to  join  its 
membership.  1  view  with  suspicion  any 
club  that  invites  me  to  join  it,  except 
under  conditions  of  peculiar  privilege 
extended  as  a  tribute  to  my  personality ; 
but  let  that  pass.  The  Niblick  Club  is 
not  an  ordinary  golf-club,  it  is  in  the 
heart  of  the  Metropolis  and  attached  to 
no  links ;  it  has  been  established  for 
the  purpose  of  offering  to  golfers  a 
further  scope  for  social  intercourse. 

I  hope  I  have  already  shown  with 
sufficient  clarity  that  I  regard  the 
ordinary  golf  club-house  as  a  necessary 
evil.  It  shelters  your  weapons ;  it 
provides  a  cuisine  of  a  limited  order; 
it  affords  a  convenient  point  for  assig- 
nations with  those  particular  friends 
(selected  for  their  reticence)  with  whom 
you  propose  to  play ;  but  you  enter  it 
always  at  the  risk  of  overhearing  the 
conversation  of  other  golfers.  But 
why  anyone  should  deliberately  join 
a  club  which  exists  for  the  express 
design  of  throwing  golfers  together 
without  the  chance  of  a  game  is  an 
enigma  that  leaves  my  imagination 
hopelessly  insolvent. 

You  will  tell  me  that  golf,  like  the 
suffrage,  is  becoming  so  vulgarised  (in 
the  beautiful  sense)  that  to  say  that 
you  are  a  golfer  is  scarce  more  than 
to  admit  that  you  are  a  human  being ; 
The  Niblick  Club  might  therefore,  you 
say,  as  well  be  called  The  Breathers' 
Club.  But  think  of  its  purpose.  The 
tie  that  binds  together  all  those  who 
draw  mortal  breath  might  appeal  to 
one's  common  humanity;  and  shop-talk 
at  a  Breathers'  Club,  unless  overdone 
with  allusions  to  patent  lung-expanders 
and  physical  developers,  would  be  in- 
offensive. But  The  Niblick  Club, 
having  for  its  avowed  object  the  de- 
velopment of  social  intercourse  between 
golfers,  encourages  the  dreariest  foible 
of  our  universal  brotherhood. 

No,  I  shall  not  join  The  Niblick  Club. 


Peaceful  Extermination. 
Italy  denies  the  alleged  atrocities  in 
Tripoli.    The  massacre  of  the  Arabs  is 
officially  stated  to  have  been  conducted 
in  a  most  humane  manner. 


"MB.  F.  E.  SMITH  AT  STRATFORD. 

TOUCHSTOXK  OF  UNIONIST  SINCERITY." 

•  •  The  Birmingham  Gazette  and  Express. 
That  is,  of  course,  just  how  Mr.  F.  E. 
SMITH  is  regarded  by  his  opponents ; 
but  in  spite  of  the  Shakspearean  asso- 
ciations of  Stratford  we  think  it  would 
have  been  happier — in  the  case  of  a 
Unionist  paper,  at  any  rate — not  to 
have  called  him  by  a  clown's  name. 


THE  MARK  OF  THE  EAST. 

WHEN  Gertrude  sails  for  India 

She  bids  her  kin  and  kith 
Inspect  the  bales  of  tropic  veils, 

The  helmets  made  of  pith  : 
The  net  to  spread  .above  her  bed 

Is  viewed  with  anxious  mien, 
And  eyes  dilate  to  see  the  crate 

Of  camphor  and  quinine. 

When  Gertrude  sails  for  India, 

Her  mother  's  feeling  queer, 
The  Rector  blows  an  anxious  nose 

And  wipes  away  a  tear : 
Shall  Ruth  or  Grace  usurp  the  place 

'Tis  Gertrude's  pride  to  hold 
At  Little-Bndleigh-in-the-Mud- 

cum-Worple-on-the-Wold  ? 

When  Gertrude  sails  for  India, 

The  local  "  Dorcas  "  sighs 
For  one  whose  zest  last  autumn  dress'd 

A  score  of  pa;4an  thighs ; 
In  stricken  tones  a  curate  drones 

The  lessons  for  the  day, 
Nor  dares  to  view  his  Rector's  pew 

For  fear  of  giving  way. 

When  Gertrude  comes  from  India, 

She  's  Indian  to  the  core, 
Her  gown  and  hair,  her  manners  bear 

The  stamp  of  Barrackpore  ; 
She  sits  and  pratss  of  maiden  plates, 

Of  revels  at  the  "  Gyrri," 
Of  leading  parts  and  doubled  hearts, 

The  regiment  and  him. 

When  Gertrude  comes  from  India, 

She 's  found  an  Eastern  twang, 
And  bores  her  friends  with  odds  and 
ends 

Of  Anglo-Indian  slang ; 
The  roof-tree   shakes,   the  housemaid 
quakes 

Before  that  torrid  flow 
Of  "  idhar  ao  "  and  "  jaldi  jao," 

And  "  asti  bat  karo." 

When  Gertrude  comes  from  India, 

The  Rector's  habits  pall, 
The  startled  guest  is  gently  press'd 

To  cocktails  in  the  hall ; 
Her  parents  quail  bsfore  the  gale 

Which  swamps  the  old  routine, 
And,  save  in  Lent,  must  needs  consent 

To  dine  at  8.15. 

When  Gertrude  comes  from  India, 

The  schemes  I  'd  lately  plann'd, 
They  fade  and  die,  and  that  is  why 

I  loathe  that  selfish  land, 
Which  drains  the  West  of  all  its  best 

To  keep  an  atlas  red ; 
Which  dared  to  claim  my  only  flame 

And  send  me  this  instead. 

Near  Venezuela  a  new  volcanic  island 
has  just  been  thrown  up.  A  German 
cruiser  is  to  be  despatched  to  protect 
the  interests  of  the  inhabitants. 


O 


w 
H 


s  i 

o  « 

Q  w 

PH  T 


o  « 

H 

E 

o 


GOLF'S   DELAYS. 


Fair  Golfer  (win)  lias  ''fun ml"  the  bunker  in  ei'jJtt',  a  foursome  and  otters  meanwhile  vailing  on  the  lee}.   "I'M  JUST  WOMIEBINO 

M.VIiEI.,    WHETHER  TO   HAVE   A   liKEEX  JE-KSE1'  OH  A  (JllEY   ONE." 


THE    BRAIN    OF    THE    NATION. 

[The  qualifications  of  Mr.  PHASE  for  his  new  i>ost  as  President  of  the 
loai'd  of  Education  are  tiuw  summarised  in  the  |»iges  of  Il'/w's  ll'/io :  — 


Hoard  of 
Recreations : 


1878; 
in:ister    ol 


"Sterealvnu:  mem' «r  of  Cambridge  University  football  Teuii, 
member   of    Cambridge    University   Polo    Team,    1880-81  ;    nris... 
Cain  bridge  University  Drag  Hounds,   1880-81  ;  muster  of  own  [«ick  ol 
iieagles,  1881-86  ;   member  of  Lord  Zetland's  and  Cleveland  Hounds 
captain  of  Durham  County  Cricket  Club,  1881-90;  member  of  M.C.C.  , 
New-   Zealand,    Princes,   Mitchani,   Sandwich,    Seaton,   and   Darlington 
<iolf  Clubs;  cycling,  fishing,  shooting,  etc.  .  .     Clubs:    Hrooks's,  Turf, 
City  Lib  ral,  National  Liberal."] 

GOOD  Mister  PEASE,  whom  ASQUITH,  that  facetious  super- 
Soul, 

The  Board  of  Education  has  selected  to  control, 
Pray  let  a  total  stranger  express  his  mild  surprise 
That  your  well-deserved  appointment  should  awaken  hostile 
cries. 

That  you  're  not  a  Senior  Wrangler  is  indisputably  true, 
But  at  Cambridge,  thirty  years  ago,  you  won  a  Football  Blue ; 
And,  judging  by  the  practice  which  his  now  become  a  rule, 
You  might  have  been  an  usher  at  a  fashionable  school. 

Unversed  in  the  laborious  works  of  PKEI  MAN  or  of  STUBBS, 
You  are  at  least  a  member  of  a.  dctzen  sporting  clubs  ; 
Your  cricket  still  is  passable ;  you  motor  and  you  hunt ; 
And  are  quite  as  good  as  RUXCIMAN  in  managing  a  punt. 

You  haven't  wasted  precious  hours  perusing  pond'rous  tomes ; 
You  haven't  studied  FKOEBEL  or  the  works  of  Mr.  HOLMKS  ; 
In  short,  the  tablets  of  your  mind  resemble,  up  to  date — 
Where  education  is  concerned — a  brand-new  virgin  slate. 


Though  your  name  is  not  in  any  of  th.3  Cambridge  Tripos 

lists, 

You  have  kept  a  pack  of  beagles  and  are  supple  in  the  wrists ; 
Your  handicap  at  golf  is  low  :  it  isn't  scratch,  I  grant; 
But  you  play  a  great  deal  better  than  ASQUITH  or  MOBANT. 

Besides,  you've  been  a  Party  Whip,  and  whipping's  at  tho 
base — 

Despite  humanitarians — of  the  schooling  of  the  race ; 

And  there 's  something  rather  spirited,  romantic  and  sub- 
lime 

In  a  member  of  the  Turf  Club  who 's  a  Quaker  all  the  time. 

A  modern  Departmental  Chief  should  own  a  rhino's  sk'n 
Or  else  his  equanimity  will  speedily  wear  thin  ; 
But  the  following  reflections  may  serve  to  mitigate 
The  annoyance  certain  comments  may  have  given  you  of  late. 

No  matter  how  profoundly  from  your  staff  you  disagree, 

No  matter  how  acutely  you  offend  the  N.U.T., 

This  single  consolation  no  disaster  can  efface — 

You  '11  never  disimprove  upon  the  chief  whom  you  replace. 

Now  looking  at  the  Nations  on  the  edge  of  the  Abyss, 
If  we  are  sure  of  anything,  at  least  we  're  sure  of  this: 
That  after  Armageddon,  if  a  single  State  remains 
Unshattered,  it  will  be  a  State  pre-eminent  in  brains. 

So  at  this  all-decisive  stage  of  England's  long  career 
O  lot  us  thank  our  lucky  stars  and  suitably  revere, 
As  moulder  of  the  Nation's  mind,  as  Dominie  supreme, 
A  man  who  gained  his  colours  for  the  Cambridge  Polo  team ! 


352 


PUNCH,   OK   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.          [NOVEMBER  is,  1911. 


THE  YOUNGEST   MEMBER. 

I  HAD  not  seen  the  youngest  member  before,  though  I  had 
heard  others  speak  of  him.  It  was  therefore  with  some 
satisfaction  that  I  observed  him  enter  the  club  smoking- 
room  where  I  was  having  a  cup  of  tea.  He  came  in 
quietly  and  unostentatiously— I  might  almost  say  furtively, 
but,  once  in,  he  developed  a  sudden  and  surprising  aplomb. 
He  was  not  daunted  by  the  massive  and  comfortable  fur- 
niture, or  by  the  thick,  noise-quelling  carpet,  or  by  the 
copy  of  the  frieze  of  the  Parthenon  that  runs  round  the 
top  of  our  wall,  or  by  the  serried  rows  of  books,  or  by 
Dumbleton  sleeping  the  sleep  of  the  plethoric  by  the  fire. 
He  was  evidently  one  whom  no  splendour  appalled. 
Perhaps  he  owed  his  equanimity  to  his  magnificent  apparel, 
for  he  was  nobly  clad  in  a  shining  black  fur  coat,  yet  there 
was  no  lack  of  geniality  in  his  air  or  bis  conduct.  I  ven- 
tured to  smile  at  him,  and  he  returned  the  smile.  Thus  en- 
couraged I  beckoned 
him  to  my  sofa,  and 
he  at  once  sat  down 
beside  me  with  a  high- 
bred dignity  and  ease 
of  manner  that 
stamped  him  as  one 
of  the  truly  great.  I 
own  I  was  much 
attracted  by  him,  and 
at  once  began  a  con- 
versation. 

"  No,  thank  you," 
he  said,  "no  tea.  It 
doesn't  agree  with  me, 
and  a  fellow  must  look 
after  his  health.  Milk? 
Well,  just  the  tiniest 
drop — thank  you  so 
much  .  .  .  Yes, that's 
good  milk,  and  I 
ought  to  know.  But 
you  're  not  drinking 
your  tea.  Pray,  pray 
don't  let  me  disturb 
you." 

Ireassuredhim,  and 
he  gave  me  a  most 
engaging  look. 

"  Really,"  he  said,  "  you  're  very  good.  One  never  knows, 
you  see.  Some  take  things  one  way,  some  take  'em  another. 
Personally,  I  'm  all  for  ease  and  comfort.  I  hate  your 
stuck-up  chaps— not  many  of  'em  here,  I  'm  thankful  to 
say,  but  I  did'  meet  one  last  week  in  the  gallery.  Tried  to 
kick  me,  and,  begad,  Sir,  if  I  hadn't  been  pretty  nippy  on 
my  pins  he  'd  have  done  it  too." 

I  expressed  my  opinion  of  this  monstrous  act  in  appro- 
priate terms. 

"  No,"  he  continued,  "  I  didn't  report  him  to  the  Com- 
mittee.    I  daresay  I  ought  to  have  done  so,  but  I  didn't 
want  to  be  hard  on  the  beggar.     They  'd  have  had  him  out 
in  two-twos,  you  know,  and  then  what  would  have  become 
E  him  ?    He 's  got  a  wife,  they  tell  me,  with  a  voice  like  a 
motor-horn ;    sees  as  little  of  her  as  he  can  manage  and 
spends  all  his  days  in  the  club.     Suppose  I  'd  got  him  fired 
No,  I  'm  not  one  of  that  sort.     But  if  it  ever  happens 
again  I'll  set  about  him  in  a  way  that  '11  surprise  him." 

I  warmly  commended  him. 

"  Of  course  I  'm  only  a  young  member,"  he  said.  "  Haven't 
been  m  the  club  more  than  six  months,  but  one  can't  take 
a  tiling  like  that  twice  lying  down.  All  the  waiters  would 


Magistrate.  "You  AI:K  A  YEKY  WICKED 

AT  THIS   OEN'TI.EMAN  ?  " 

Offender. ^  "COULDN'T  'EI.P  IT,  GUV'NER. 

FLUEXrE   o'    I'EHNISHUS   I.ITEKACHAW." 


laugh  at  you,  and  even  the  hall-porter  would  begin  to  doubt 
your  courage.  Now  with  you  it 's  different.  You  under- 
stand a  chap." 

I  said  I  hoped  I  did,  and  he  rubbed  his  head  confidentially 
and  almost  absent-mindedly  against  my  elbow.  It  was  so 
amiably  done  that  I  didn't  even  feel  surprised. 

"  Yes,"  he  went  on,  "  it 's  a  good  club.  Everything  's 
kept  in  apple-pie  order — chairs  comfortable,  fires  bright 
and  warm,  carpets  simply  topping.  You  could  lie  down  on 
them  and  go  to  sleep  any  time,  they  're  so  soft.  And  the 
food's  Al.  They  don't  stint  you.  Their  fish  can't  be 
beaten,  and  their  Souris  an  Naturcl  is  simply  perfect — 
there  's  no  other  word  for  it,  it 's  perfect.  I  've  only  one 
fault  to  find:  they  don't  keep  a  proper  supply  of  Volatile 
on  the  premises.  One  has  to  go  outside  for  it,  and  that 's 
not  right.  However,  the  steward  's  promised  to  see  to  it, 
and  when  he  says  anything  it 's  as  good  as  done." 
I  asked  him  which  of  the  rooms  he  preferred. 

"To  tell  you  the 
truth,"  he  said,  "I 
like  'em  all,  but  the 
kitchen  's  my  favour- 
ite." 

"The  kitchen?"  I 
said.  "Members 
don't  go  into  the 
kitchen." 

"One  member  does," 
he  laughed,  "and  1  'm 
that  member.  I  've 
got  no  end  of  friends 
amongst  the  cooks. 
Then  there's  the 
housekeeper.  I  spend 
hours  and  hours  witli 
the  houseLeeper. 
Really  you  can't  say 
you  've  lived  if  you 
don't  know  the  house- 
keeper. But  there,  I 
mustn't  talk  any  more. 
If  I  don't  get  my 
forty  winks  now  I 
shan't  get  'em  at  all, 
and  I  've  got  a  big 
:  evening  in  front  of 
-!me."  With  this  he 

sprang  lightly  into  a  large  waste-paper  basket  half-full  of 
paper.  There  he  curled  himself  round  flush  with  the  rim, 
like  a  black  ammonite,  and  was  asleep  in  a  moment. 

"  Yes,  Sir,"  said  the  waiter  who  took  away  my  tea,  "  he's 
a  fine  cat.  Only  ten  months  old,  but  knows  his  way  about 
everywhere.  Just  to  look  at  him  walking  through  the 
rooms  you  'd  think  the  whole  place  belonged  to  him.  Seems 
to  know  all  the  members,  too,  he  's  so  friendly  with  them. 
Yes,  he  's  a  rare  mouscr." 


IT 


T  -S    ALL    DOO    TO    THE    COHBCPTHT    HIX- 


"One  can  hardly  believe  that,  iu  this  century,  a  boy  of  eleven  could 
enjoy  the  successful  performance,  at  an  exclusive  "European  opera  house, 
of  an  elaborate  instrumental  pantomime  of  his  own  composition.  Yi  I 
such  was  the  privilege  of  Erich  Wolfgang  Komgold,  no  later  tlmn 
October  of  last  year." 

So  says  an  advertisement,  and  adds  airily,  "  The  youthful 
composer  is  now  a  lad  of  fourteen." 

Prom  a  circular  : — 

"The  materials  for  Stetson  hats  are  brought  from  all  parts  of  the 
world,  but  the  manufactured  hats  go  to  a  greater  number  of  countries." 
Vaulting  ambition  o'erleaps  itself  when  it  lays  it  on  like  this. 


i9ii.l___pu_NcH."^^HB  LONDON  CHARIVAEL 


333 


THE    HOOK. 


IT  was  wholly  my  own  fault.  My 
presence  was  not  imperatively  necessary 
in  the  scullery — indeed,  I  had  no  busi- 
ness there  at  all.  It  has  been  explained 
to  me  since  by  my  wife,  very  patiently 
and  kindly,  that  my  second  best  mashie 
was  not  in  the  scullery,  that  it  could 
not  possibly  have  been  there,  and  I 
have  como  to  realize  that  she  is  per- 
fectly right.  When  a  man  loses  his 
spare  mashie  he  should  hunt  for  it  in 
his  golf-bag — where  I  eventually  found 
mine — rather  than  in  the  scullery.  He 
is  so  apt  to  lose  himself  as  well  in  the 
unexplored  regions  of  the  back  kitchen. 
Wandering  home  to  my  study,  I  passed 
the  open  back  door,  and  there  was  first 
greeted  by  the  large,  benevolent-looking 
gentleman. 

"  Good  morning  to  you,  Sir,"  he 
said,  in  an  amazingly  important  and 
reverberant  voice. 

I  acknowledged  the  salutation  with 
reserve.  The'  man  was  certainly  six 
feet  tall,  broad  slightly  out  of  pro- 
portion, and  "thick  through,"  as 
anglers  and  fishmongers  say.  He 
was  a  pronouncedly  cubic  person. 
Drawing  something  glittering  from  his 
pocket  and  holding  it  daintily  between 
finger  and  thumb,  he  offered  it  for 
inspection. 
:  "  I  desire,  Sir,  to  call  your  attention 
to  this  Hook,"  he  said  benevolently. 

"  Er — thanks  very  much,"  I  said 
rather  feebly. 

The  cubical  man  waved  my  acknow- 
ledgments aside  very  politely. 

•"Not  at  all,  Sir,"  he  said,  with 
wonderful  affability.  "  I  am  proud  to 
do  you  a  service.  It  is  my  duty. 
This  Hcok  is  manufactured  of  the 
finest  chrome  steel,  solid  drawn,  and 
cold  curved  by  a  new  low-tension  pro- 
cess. No  sword  ever  came -'out  of 
Toledo  better  tempered  than  this 
Hook,  Sir — nor  would  Andrew  Farriery 
himself  have  disdained  that  Hook." 

"Andrew — —  ?"  I  ventured  to  en- 
quire. 

"Farriery,     Sir.       The     celebrated 
sword-maker    of    Italy,   and,    I    may 
add,  one  of  the  foremost  steel  workers 
of  his  age." 
I  nodded. 

"  But  it  is  not  the  Hook  itself  which 
wish  espacially  to  impress  -upon  your 
mind,  Sir,"  the  man  ran  on,  "  but  the 
nanifold  uses  to  which  it  can  be  put. 
Without  the  scientific  principle  of  the 
Hook,  Sir,  the  world  would  cease  to 
exist — practically.  I  shall  develops/a/ 
ispect  of  the  Hook  presently.  Mean- 
.ime  I  wish  to  point  out  to  you  that 
ihis  Hook  possesses  at  the  longer  end  a 
tine  machine-cut  thread  for  screwing 
uto  the  wooden  socket  which  is  to  be 


Tuilvr  (calliiitj  out  mcaxtircmeiils  to  clerk}, 
iny  PROPORTIOX I" 


DELICACY. 

"  CHEST,  TIIIETY-MXE-HAI.F  ; 


WAHT,  riK— E»  — 


found   at  the 

leather  arm. 

stays   there. 

wearing  out  of  the  machined  thread. 

It  is  there,  Sir,  as  though  it  had  taken 

root  there.     You  will  find,  Sir,  that  the 


end    of    any    ordinary  able  swing  from  the  shoulder  straps — 
And  once  there,  Sir,  it  wholly  due  to  balance,  Sir,  obtained,  I 
No    slipping    loose — no  J  may  add,  by  a  secret  and  stringently 
'  protected  device  of  weighting  invented 
by   Sir   HIRAM   MAXIM.     I   wish   par- 
ticularly to  point  out  to  you,  Sir,  that 


leather  of  the  arm  will  wear  out  long 
before  the  Hook,  and  the  wooden 
socket  will  perish  before  you  have 
worn  away  the  millionth  part  of  an 
inch  of  the  steel. 

'•  Again,  Sir,  think  of  the  balance  of 


a  good  hook.  No  more  unsightly 
creases  in  the  leather  of  the  arm,  no 
more  bagging  at  the  elbow,  no  more 
unnecessary  play  upon  the  working 
parts.  Just  an  easy  natural  comfort- 


the  Hooks  manufactured  by  the  Com- 
pany which  I  represent  arc  completely 
insulated.  Lightning  cannot  strike 
them,  nor  will  they  deflect  compassa*. 
An  infant  could  wear  one  in  a  thunder- 
storm without  peril,  a  mariner  c  m'.d 
sail  his  barque  from  sea  to  sea  without 
risk,  wearing  one  of  these  Hooks.  The 
shepherd  upon  the  hills,  Sir,  can  abolish 
at  last  that  clumsy  and  age-old  con- 
trivance, the  crook,  and  come  to  close 


354 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  15,  191 1. 


quarters  with  his  animals— thanks  to 
our  Hooks.  At  night  one  can  screw  it 
into  the  door  and  hang  one's  arm,  or 
clothes,  upon  it,  and  at  dawn,  I  may 
add,  you  can  attach  your  developer  to 
it  and  do  your  exercises  without  let 
or  hindrance.  These  Hooks,  Sir,  have 
heen  used  as  motor  tyre  levers,  as 
anchors,  as  shark  hooks,  and  as  lire 
escapes — with  bed-clothes  attached. 
They  halve  one's  glove  bill,  Sir,  and 
are  guaranteed  to  sustain  a  dead  weight 
of  ten  tons." 

He  wiped  the  beads  of  perspiration 
from  his  brow  and  continued  strenu- 
ously, a  slightly  wild  look  in  his  eye. 

"  These  Hooks,  Sir,  are  a  boon  to  the 
amateur  gardener  when  pruning  his 
rose-trees,  a  source  of  never-ending 
satisfaction  to  the  photographer,  who 
can  carry  a  camera  all  day  without 
getting  stiff  muscles! " 

He  looked  anxiously  at  me,  realized 
that  I  was  neither  a  gardener  nor  a 
photographer,  and  tried  afresh.  " 

"  To  the  mountain  climber  they  are  a 
necessity.  He  need  not  fear  the  deepest 
precipice,  the  profoundest  abyss  nor 
the  Bottomless  Pit  itself,  once  he  has 
got  a  grip  with  his  Hook  ;  and  when 
mountaineering  among  savage  folk  he 
needs  only  to  give  the  Hook  a  tap  with 
a  hammer  to  straighten  'it '  into  a 
dangerous  and  a  reliable  dagger.  I 
have  indicated,  Sir,  but  a  few  of  the 
uses  to  which  the  Hook  can  be  put, 
but  I  think  you  will  agree  with  me 
that  the  price  of  the  Hook — one 
shilling  only — —  " 

I  took  both  my  hands  from  behind 
my  _  back  and  the  benevolent  man 
stopped  short,  staring  at  them  in  a 
fascinated  sort  of  way.  He  made  a 
swallowing  noise  with  his  throat. 
Then  he  pulled  himself  together  and 
uttered  a  palpably  forced  laugh. 

"  Hardly  fair — kardly  fair,"  he  said, 
with  a  sort  of  indulgent  and  playful 
reproof,  and  carelessly  jerking  the 
Hook  across  the  kitchen  garden  he 
turned  to  go. 

"  I  suppose  you  wouldn't  care  to 
lend  me  a  couple  of  sovereigns '?  "  he 
said  over  his  shoulder.  "  No  ?  Well, 
jive  us  a  bob,  then.  I  may  be  a  tramp, 
but  I  'm  human,  after  all.  It  took  me 
half-an-hcur  to  clean  the  thing." 

I  gave  it,  and  he  went  away  without 
thanks. 

He  infused  into  his  gait  a  slight 
increase  of  alacrity  as  he  turned  the 
corner  of  the  house.  I  wondered  why, 
until  I  perceived  Hobson,  our  one- 
irmed  odd-job  man,  hurry  past  him 
;owards  me. 

"  Well,  Hobson,  what  is  it  ?  "  I 
inquired  benignly,  as  befits  a  man  who 
ay  sheer  firmness  of  character  has 
'ust  avoided  extravagance. 


"  It 's  me  new  hook,  Sir,"  said 
Hobson,  agitatedly  unscrewing  the 
spud  with  which  he  replaces  the  hook 
when  gardening  or  about  to  garden. 
"  It 's  gone,  Sir — turned  me  back  and 
it  was  went  away  most  astonishing. 
It  was  raining  this  morning,  Sir,  and  it 
got  wet  coming  to  work.  I  screwed  in 
the  spud  for  to  get  up  the  plantains, 
and  while  the  hook  was  laid  aside 
tempory  it  got  astonishing  rusty.  I 
hung  it  on  the  railings  out  in  the  front, 
meaning  to  clean  it  up  when  I  'd  done 
with  the  spud,  Sir.'  Happening  to  look 
up  be  chance  I  seen  it  was  vanished 
and  completely  went  away.  Me  new 
hook,  Sir,  only  been  wore  twice  before 
and  that  on  Sundays,  Sir.  I  been 
limiting  for  it  this  sour  or  more." 

I  pointed  across  the  garden  to  the 
bed  of  curly  kale  which  is  Hobson's 
choice  in  the  cabbage  department  of 
our  kitchen  garden. 

"  It  is  tfere,"  I  said,  "  there,  my 
Hobson,  that  you  will  find  your  new 
hook.  No  longer  rusty  but  speckless 
and  chaste,  glittering,  a  thing  of  joy. 
Between  the  fourth  and  fifth  curly  kale 
in  the  third  row  from  the  western  edge 
of  the  bed,  as  nearly  as  I  can  judge. 
And— Hobson?" 

"  Yessir,"  said  Hobson. 

"  A  word  in  your  ear,  Hobson.  Never 
again  leave  your  hook  upon  the  railings 
when  there  is  a  man  of  cubical  appear- 
ance and  with  an  important  and 
reverberant  voice  in  the  neighbour- 
hood." 

"  Nosir,"  said  Hobson  dully,  and 
without  in  the  least  understanding  or 
attempting  to.  He  seemed  to  think 
that  in  some  momentary  madness  I 
had  cast  his  hook  to  the  cabbages. 
He  hesitated  for  a  second,  then,  with  a 
look  of  silent  and  dignified  reproach  in 
his  eyes  he  proceeded  reflectively  to 
take  his  hook  unto  himself  again. 


THOUGHTS  ON  THE   NINTH. 

THE  least  bored  person  in  London  on 
Lord  Mayor's  Day  last  week  was  a 
small  boy  who  rode  in  the  Show  with 
one  of  the  Aldermen.  That  he  was 
having  the  time  of  his  life  was  apparent ; 
but  what  were  the  thoughts  under  that 
roomy  topper  and  behind  those  quick 
eyes  ? 

Our  own  thought-reader,  who  hap- 
pened to  be  wedged  in  at  the  top  of 
Chancery  Lane,  declares  that  the  follow- 
ing were  the  boy's  thoughts : 

"  Chancery  Lane— good !  Shall  be  at 
the  Law  Courts  in  a  jiff.  Only  hope 
those'  blighters  in  front  have  left  a  few 
sandwiches  and  things.  Won't  old 
Blinkers  and  the  rest  be  green  when  they 
hear  I  've  ridden  in  the  Show?  Must  get 
Granddad  to  put  it  in  writing  for  me, 


or  they  '11  think  me  a  putrid  liar.  Oh, 
hang  it !  why  can't  they  push  on  ? 
Wish  those  beastly  church  bells 
wouldn't  spoil  the  band.  Eipping 
band — better  than  all  that  historical 
tosh  in  front.  I  expect  old  what  's-his- 
name  in  the  coach  there  is  getting 
peckish.  The  fat  old  boy  on  the  box 
gets  all  the  cheers,  and  the  LORD  MAYOR 
has  to  do  the  bowing. '."  Rotten  life,  I 
call  it — for  the  LORD  MAYOR,  I  mean. 
Oh,  why  can't  they  move  on  ?  Pretty 
dirty  crowd  in  this  street.  Beastly 
place,  Fleet  Street.  I  bet  there  won't 
be  a  single  crumb  left  if — —  Hooray  ! 
we're  off !  " 

Before  accepting  this  version,  how- 
ever, we  consulted  one  of  the  leading 
writers  cf  the  day,  who  makes  a 
speciality  of  maiden  aunts.  He  has  a 
million  clients  who  present  his  works 
to  their  nephews  as  suitable  reading, 
and  his  emphatic  opinion  was  that  the 
boy's  thoughts  were  as  follows  : — 

"  This  is  indeed  an  auspicious  occa- 
sion. The  ringing  cheers  of  the 
assembled  populace,  the  riot  of  the 
bells,  the  stately  cavalcade — what  do 
they  denote  ?  The  LORD  MAYOR  is  dead 
— long  live  the  LORD  MAYOR  !  There  in 
that  stately  coach  rides  a  good  man 
and  true  whose  merit  has  brought  him 
at  last  to  the  highest  position  in  muni- 
cipal service  that  this  fair  England  of 
ours  has  to  offer.  The  day  shall  come 
— here  and  now  I  resolve  it — when  the 
occupant  of  that  gilded  receptacle 
shall  be  none  other  than  myself.  I  am 
determined  not  to  rest  either  by  day 
or  night  until  this  ambition  is  fulfilled." 


FIRE-EATERS  A  LA  FEANCAISE. 

THE  habit  of  going  to  the  French  for 
drama  is  so  strong  that  our  histrions 
almost  naturally  adopt  French  dramatic 
manners  too,  and  the  recent  threatened 
duel  between  M.  LE  BARGY  and  M. 
ALEXANDRE,  of  the  Comedie  Francaise, 
has,  although  it  was  averted,  led  to 
several  similar  engagements  among 
London  actors. 

Early  on  Sunday  morning  Sir 
HERBERT  BEERBOHM  TREE  met  Mr. 
EDMUND  PAYNE  in  the  Court  of  Honour 
at  Shepherd's  Bush.  The  seconds 
were  Mr.  MAX  BEERBOHM  (by  proxy) 
and  Mr.  GEORGE  EDWARDES.  The  quar- 
rel arose  from  a  remark  made  to  Sir 
HERBERT  by  the  famous  Gaiety  come- 
dian at  the  Garrick  Club  during  a  game 
of  billiards.  Mr.  EDMUND  PAYNE,  it 
seems,  potted  his  adversary's  ball  when, 
according  to  Sir  HERBERT,  the  gentle- 
manly course  was  to  go  for  the  red.  In 
a  case  like  this  bloodshed  is,  of  course, 
imperative  and  the  affray  was  short  and 
fierce  but  decisive,  Mr.  EDMUND  PAYNE 
sinking  under  a  heavy  epigram.  While 


NOVEMBER  is.  1911.]          PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


1 1 


fail-  Oiaitr  of  Dog  (Hint  lias  jitat  bee,i  Juicing  severe  rouyk-a.,v.l-tuniblc  with  old  g<-,itlci,iii,t  on  gmitnil}.   "  WHAT  A  MgHcr  IT  is  THAT 
PLUTO  HAS  HIS  MUZZLE  ox!    HE  MH.IIT  HAVE  HURT  YOU!" 


still  on  his  back  Mr.  PAYNE  confessed 
that  the  potting  of  Sir  HERBERT'S  ball 
was  a  fluke  and  would  not  have  occur- 
red had  he  not  in  aiming  at  the  red 
missed  it  utterly.  Friendship  being 
thus  restored,  the  two  illustrious  mimes 
returned  to  London  in  perfect  amity. 

The  meeting  between  Mr.  PELISSIER 
and  Mr.  LEWIS  SYDNEY  on  the  10th  ult. 
was  deeply  to   be  regretted,  but  un- 
avoidable.    For  some  months  now,  if 
not  years,  Mr.  PELISSIEH  has  been  in 
the  habit,  on  the  boards  of  the  Apollo 
Theatre,  of  attributing  a  monkey-like 
cast   to   Mr.   SYDNEY'S  physiognomy ;  j 
and   Mr.  SYDNEY  has  apparently  not 
resented   it.     It  seems,  however,  that 
during   all   this   time   the   insult    has 
rankled,  although,  in  consideration  of 
the  laughter  which  it  excites   and   a 
sympathetic  feeling  for  audiences  who 
are  out  for  merriment,  he  has  forced 
himself  to  suppress  his  feelings.     Last 
week,  however,  his  self-restraint  being 
a  little  less  powerful  than  usual,  owing  , 
to  the  worry  of  finding  a  new  funny  i 
story,  Mr.  SYDNEY  told  Mr.  P£LISSIER 
what  he  thought  of  this  simian  com- 1 
parison,    in   such   terms   as   left    that  j 
gentleman  no  course  but  to  send  hisi 
seconds  ;  which  he  did,  with  the  charac- 
teristic remark  that  though  only  seconds  [ 


they  were  natives  and  no  aliens  need 
apply.  The  choice  of  weapons  lying 
with  Mr.  SYDNEY  he  selected  horse 
chestnuts  with  the  spiky  green  integu- 
ment still  adhering,  and  with  these 
missiles  the  two  comedians  battered 
each  other  (at  daybreak  on  Wormwood 
Scrubs)  until  honour  was  satisfied. 
Mr.  SYDNEY  then  called  for  a  mirror, 
and  admitting  the  justice  of  Mr. 
PELISSIER'S  simile  grasped  his  hand 
in  eternal  cojnradeship. 

The  extraordinarily  protracted  en- 
counter which  took  place  early  last 
Saturday  morning  between  Sir  GEORGE 
ALEXANDER  and  Mr.  EGBERT  LOHAINE 
had  its  origin  in  a  dispute  over  the  use, 
by  the  former,  of  a  peculiarly  shaped 
putter  in  a  match  played  at  Hanger 
Hill.  The  players  were  all  even  on 
the  eighteenth  tee,  and  Sir  GEORGE 
missed  a  three-foot  putt  for  a  half  on 
the  last  green.  This  was  enough  in 
itself  to  have  disturbed  his  equanimity, 
but  when  his  opponent  observed,  "  Well, 
what  can  you  expect  if  you  putt  with  a 
consumptive  croquet  mallet,"  the  strain 
was  too  great,  and  Sir  GEORGE  replied, 
"  Anyhow,  it  hasn't  got  a  swelled  head." 
Mr.  LOHAINE  sent  his  cartel  that  same 
evening,  and  the  duel  took  place  with- 
out delay  on  Hampstead  Heath.  Sir 


GEORGE  ALEXANDER  was  attended  by 
the  Editor  of  The  Tailor  and  Cutter 
and  Sir  ALBERT  ROLLIT,  while  Mr. 
LORAINE'S  seconds  were  Mr.  BERNARD 
SHAW  and  Mr.  GRAHAME  WHITE.  The 
choice  of  weapons  being  optional,  Sir 
GEORGE  ALEXANDER  fought  with  a 
nickel-plated  trousers-stretcher,  while 
Mr.  LORAINE  used  an  eel-skin  sand-bag 
stuffed  with  red  pepper.  For  a  while 
Sir  GEORGE  ALEXANDER  made  a splendid 
defence  with  his  formidable  weapon, 
some  of  his  American  reverse  undercuts 
being  extremely  fine ;  but  unfortunately, 
while  parrying  a  ferocious  tiuissA  stroke 
from  his  antagonist,  lie  had  the  ill-luck 
to  receive  the  sand-bag  011  the  edge  of 
the  trousers-stretcher,  which,  cutting 
through  the  skin,  exposed  Sir  GKOROB  to 
the  deadly  influence  of  the  contents.  He 
was  removed  in  a  state  of  acute  sternu- 
tation to  the  nearest  pond,  and  the  fight 
was  awarded  on  points  to  his  antagonist. 
The  two  gentlemen  are  now  so  friendly 
that  an  early  trip  in  Mr.  LORAISE'S 
bi-plane  has  been  arranged  for  Sir 
GEORGE.  . 

"  He  was  known  In  be  a  luan  of  considerable 
strength,   although   IIP  was  stated  to  be  only 
twenty-four  years  old." — Daily  Jlitit. 
Some  of  the  little  fellows  at  the  Varsity 
may  resent  this. 


356 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  ['NOVEMBER  15,  1911. 


Aviator  (luii-iny  yot  into  di/mittie.'i).   "I  SAY,  ..WOULD  YOU  BE  SO.KIXD  AS  TO  GIVE  ME  A  LIFT  TO  THE  NEXT  TOWS?" 

Farmer.    "WELL,    I    DOX'l   MIND,    MESELF  ;     BUT   I    WARN  YE,    THE    MARE    BE    A    KEu'l.AK    1'I.IER.      'TAINT    EVERYONE     I.IKSIS    TO    BE 
BEHIND   "ER." 


THE   PRINCIPAL  FEATUEE. 
(.4  hymeneal  rhapsody.) 

IT  would  not 'give  me  much  surprise 

(So  misted  o'er  with  vapours 
Were  all  those  trembling  maidens'  eyes, 
So  mute  concerning  manly  guise 
Were  all  the  local  papers) 

If  hearts  were  never  deeply  stirred 
(Without  my  aid)  to  reck  where 

The  glory  of  the  rite  occurred, 

So  I  propose  to  say  a  word 
About  the  bridegroom's  neck-wear. 

I  chose  the  thing  ;  and  by  the  Powers ! 

I  ween  my  work  was  double 
The  labour  of  the  cabs,  the  flowers, 
The  presents,  the  police ;  it  towers 

Above  the  parsons'  trouble. 

Grey  was  the  hue ;  but  not  as  when 

(His  Western  wheels  grown  rosier) 
The  Sungod  dwindles  from  our  ken 
And  twilight  shrouds  thehaunts  of  m3n ; 
In  speaking  to  my  hosier 

I  made  this  very  clear :  I  said, 
"I  want  soni3  throat-apparel 
Suited  to  gentlemen  who  wed, 
With  streaks  of  day-break  in  the  thread, 
.And  hints  of  song-birds'  carol ; 


"  Neat  but  not  gaudy ;  not  the  kind 

Your  loud  suburban  dresser 
About  his  nape  is  sure  to  bind 
For  nuptials — something  more  refined.' 
;   The  young  man  answered, "  Yes,  Sir.' 

Box  after  piled  box  we  burst, 
Shelf  after  shelf  we  looted  ; 

I  was  not  satisfied  at  first, 

No,  we  were  hours  in  silks  ynmerscd 
Before  he  got  me  suited. 

But  when  he  did — ah  never  band 
So  bravely  streaked  and  spotted 

Was  ever  tied  by  quivering  hand 

For  any  bridals  in  the  land 
Beneath  a  swain's  carotid  ! 

And  s"o  I  want  the  credit ;  hats 

With  careless  ease  one  chooses  ; 
Trousers  and  overcoats  and  spats 
Are  trifling  things  ;  but  chic  cravats 
Demand  the  heavenly  Muses. 

And,  when  I  think  upon  him  no-.v 
For  whom  all  days  are  golden, 

A  wrinkle  comes  across  my  brow  ; 

Whatever  boons  the  gods  allow. 
That  light  will  be  withholdcn. 

The  years,  I  say,  before  him  lio 
With  happiness  full  mellow  ; 


But  such  is  woman's  taste  (ah  why  ? ) 
That  this  may  be  the  last  good  tic 
He  ever  wears,  poor  fellov. 

-v'O- 

"Do  not,  for  instance,  drink  soda  water  out 
of  a  bottle.  If  you  dislike  the  idea  of  letting 
your  lips  touch  a  glass  which  , may  ha\e  been 
used  by  some  one  else,  you  should  refrain  drink 
ifg  anything,  or  if  you  arc  very  thirsty  you 
should  ask  a  servant  to  give  you  a  bottle  of 
soda  water  and  take  it  outside  to  drink." 

So  writes  an  Anglo-Indian  in  The 
Indian  Voice.  Over  here  we1  have 
Lady  GHOVE.  There  is  always  some- 
body who  knows. 

"  Princess  Sophia  Dulcep  Singh,  who  is  start- 
ing on  a  voyage  round  the  world,  has  hit  upon 
a  novel  plan  of  obviating  the  luggage  difficulty. 
In  order  to  avoid  mistakes  and  economise  time 
in  recognising  her  belongings,  she  hiis  had  all 
her  luggage  brilliantly  painted  in  green,  purple, 
and  white.  Her  favourite  Pomeranian  dog  in 
accompanying  her  ou  her  travels." 

1'all  Mall  Ga:c!te. 

Also  painted  in  the  Suffragette  colours? 

"The  well-known  Parisian  actor,  M.  le  Bargy, 
and  a  -journalist,  M.  Malherbe,  fought  a  duel 
yesterday  with  words." — Manchester  Guardian. 

After  a  desperate  battle  M.  MALHEKBE 
retired  with  a  split  infinitive. 


PUNCH.  OB  THE  LONDON  CHABIVARI.-NovE.,..™  15.  19n 


THE   END   OF  THE   DAY. 

••  FROM    SPUR   TO   PLUME   A   STAR   OF   TOURNAMENT.11— 2%«  Passing  of  Arthur. 


NOVEMBER  15,  1911.1  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


THREE   QUARTERS   OF  A   KING   OF   ENGLAND  (PRO  TEM.). 

(The   KING   has  delegated  certain  Royal  duties  during  his  absence  in  India  to  a  commission  consisting  of  PHINCE  ARTHUR  or 
COSNAUOHT,  Lord  MOKLEY,  Lord  LOKEBUKN,  and  the  ARCHBISHOP  OF  CANTERBURY.) 

Chorus.  "LE  Roi— C'EST  sous!  I" 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FIIOM  THE  DIAKY  OF  TOBY,  M.P.) 
House  of  Commons,  Monday,  Novem- 
ber 6. — Gentlemen  of  England  who 
sit  at  home  at  ease  reading  Parliamen- 
tary debates  in  morning  papers  little 
know  how  drear  is  actuality.  Bad 
enough  when  Insurance  Bill  drags  its 
slow  length  along.  At  least  we  have 
at  such  times  LLOYD  GEORGE  to 
the  fore.  No  one,  not  even  ALFRED 
LYTTELTON,  knows  what  may  happen 
when  that  alert  figure  is  on  Treasury 
Bench,  that  barbed  tongue  within 
stinging  distance.  This  is  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR'S night  off.  In  place  of  Na- 
tional Insurance  we  have  the  strange 
case  of  Small  Land  Owners  in  Scotland. 
In  prospect  of  such  entertainment 
House  almost  literally  collapses  on 
threshold  of  sitting.  Attendance  scanty, 
notably  on  Front  Opposition  Bench. 
PRINCE  ARTHUR  away,  for  once  in  recent 
times  thoroughly  enjoying  after-dinner 
speech.  As  a  rule,  posing  as  Leader 
of  Opposition,  he  has  to  walk  more 
delicately  then  AGAG  approaching  pre- ', 


sence  of  wrathful  Prophet.  To  trifle 
with  Tariff  Reform,  to  touch  on  rela- 
tions of  Lord  and  Commons,  to  allude 
to  the  Referendum,  is  to  stir  up  embers 

1 


CHARLIE  B.  not  had  such  a  good  time  since 
Comtor  days. 


of  revolt  in  what  with  cruel  irony  is 
named  the  Unionist  Party.  To  gird  at 
Home  Rule,  to  denounce  it  as  "the 
dream  of  Political  Idiots,"  is  to  tread  a 
firm  platform,  encouraged  by  enthusias- 
tic applause  of  a  reconciled  following. 

PREMIER  in  his  place  varying  practice 
of  colleagues  by  answering  in  person 
some  of  the  questions  addressed  to 
him.  Others  have  formed  daily  habit 
of  delegation.  EDWARD  GREY  originally 
set  example  and  faithfully  follows  it. 
Looks  in  once  a  week.  For  the  rest 
ACLAND  reads  F.  O.  replies  ;  McKiNSOS 
WOOD  works  phonograph  for  CHAN- 
CELLOR OF  EXCHEQUER  ;  for  WINSTON 
(literally  gone  under — in  a  submarine) 
MACNAMAKA  reads  Admiralty  answers. 
(By  the  way,  when  submarines  were  in 
earlier  experimental  form,  I  went  for  a 
voyage  in  one  myself,  which  gives 
keener  personal  interest  to  WINSTON'S 
expedition.)  Questions  over,  general 
movement  towards  the  door,  leaving 
the  chamber  to  solitude,  Scottish  Small 
Land  Owners  and  the  LORD  AD- 
VOCATE. 

Business    done.  —  Sat    up    till    one 


"360  PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.          [NOVEMBER  15,  1011. 


o'clock  in  the  morning 
with  the  Small  Land 
Owners  of  Scotland. 

Tuesday. — CHARLIE 
BERF.SFOBD  not  had 
such  real  good  time 
since  he  took  the 
little  Condor  inside 
the  range  of  ABABI 
PASHA'S  guns  at  Alex- 
andria. Only  a  born 
genius  of  fathomless 
native  humour  could 
have  devised  the 
thing.  Everyone 
knows  the  stoiy 
CHARLIE,  character- 
istically fearless  of 
his  enemy,  wrote  a 
book.  "TheBetrayal" 
ho  called  it,  describing 
it  as  a  "  record  of  facts 
concerning  Naval 
policy  and  adminis- 
tration from  1902  to 
the  present  time." 

Effect  of  mere  an- 
nouncement tremen- 
dous. M  c  K  E  N  N  A 


WHAT  MIGHT  HAVE  BEEN.— I. 


[^*  we  fJ°  io  Prefs  **  **  °ffie'afly 


that  Mr.  Brnmr  Law  is  to  Tie  offered  the  leadership.] 


on 


crowding 

made     for 

Sprang   ashore   from 

Admiralty    vaclit,    leaving 


Waller  Lony.  "'f  course,  there's  no  difficulty  'bout  leading  —  none  whatever;  bat  I 

Otlll       .  __     11.  if*  _____    1.  _  .1     Al.  _     _J  ____  .      _  i*    ___      '    -      1  ____  il.       _  P    1*      .1.  T>  „:.-.,.     «1-.1,.     4-^     •      ...,.1.     4-1,  ~ 


I  must  say  Balfour  had  the  advantage  of  me  in  lengtli  of  limb. 
11. 1  Xa'jle  easily  does  undoubtedly  give  a  convincing  air  of  mastery  !  " 


Bein"  able  to  reach  the 


command 


Vacant.  Thq  dauntless  WINSTON  stepped 
in,  and  lo!  a  strange  thing  happened. 
The  book,  announced  for  publication 


on  eve  of  momentous  declaration,   I 
leave  the  passage  as  it  stood. 

This    afternoon,   breaking    in    upon 
another  dull  day  with  Insurance  Bill, 


yes'.erday,  actually  distributed  to"  re-   whisper  went  round,  increasing  in  force 
viewers  .at  end.  of  last  week,  was  with- 
drawn— for  revision,  CHARLIE  explains. 

"What  does  it  all  mean?"  I  asked. 
him. 

'•  Why,  it  means  I  must  think  more  I 
of  the  Navy   than   of  myself   or   mv 
opinions,"  answered  ths  proud  patriot. 

"  But  weren't  you  thinking  of  the 
Navy  when  you  wrote  the  book  ?  " 

"  Now  go  away  forrad  and  don't  ask 
awkward  questions." 

Natural  result  cf  episode  is  that 
everyone  is  talking  of  the  book.  If  it 
were  issued  just  now  MARIE  CORELLI 
wouldn't  be  in  the  running  in  the 
matter  of  sale.  Effect  will  remain 
when,  if  over,  it  is  published  Curious 
to  note  in  Lobby  this  afternoon  muster 
of  leading  publishers.  Never  saw  so 
many  foregathered  at  same  time  in  one 
place.  Think  they  have  picked  up  a 
thing  or  two  about  advertising  forth- 
coming bcohs.  Confess  they  are  proud 
to  sit  at  feet  of  a  retired  admiral. 

Business  done. — With  many  amend- 
ments, Clause  36  added  to  Insurance 
Bill. 

Wednesday. — On  Monday  chanced  to 
write  about  PBINCE  ARTHUR,  his  rela- 
tions with  his  party  and  his  momentary 
dicating  state  of  affairs 
d  to  House  of  Commons 


MIGHT 
With 


HAVE  BEEN.— II. 


"WHAT 

Austen.  "With  a  little  adaptability  arid 
assimilative  attention  to  detail  I  don't  believe 
they  would  know  the  difference." 


and  persistency,  that 
PRINCE  ARTHUR   had 
retired  from  Leader- 
ship   of    Opposition. 
j  Discredited    at    first, 
I  assurance  of  its  truth 
and  of  the  finality  of 
the      decision      grew 
I  apace.   The  long  con- 
\  flict  is  over ;  a  struggle 
,  whose    sordid     story 
j  will   probably  be  re- 
I  served  for  the  reading 
I  of  a  later  generation 
!  is  finished.   All  that  is 
certain  for  the  present 
is   that  an    influence 
which  in  his  speech 
in  the  City  this  after- 
noon PBINCE  ARTHUR 
delicately  alluded   to 
as    '-microbes"    has 
prevailed. 

Ever  since  DON 
JOSE  unfurled  the  flag 
of  Tariff  Eeform,  post 
of  Leader  of  Unionist 
Party  become  in- 
creasingly impossible. 
SARK  says  the  last 
straw  that  broke  the 
back  of  proud, scorn- 
ful indifference  was  the  vote  passed  last 
Monday  by  tin  Halsbury  Club  declaring 
their  unabated  confidence  and  loyalty 
in  their  esteemed  Leader.  This  clumsy 
impertinence  too  much  for  even  PRINCE 
ARTHUR'S  patience. 

However  it  be,  by  whatsoever  accre- 
tion of  personal  affronts,  the  end  has 
come.  PRINCE  ARTHUR,  the  strength, 
sustentation  and  ornament  of  his  party 
through  a  full  score  years  of  mingled 
triumph  u,nd  disaster,  will,  in  the 
capacity  jf  Captain,  "  come  back  to 
Lochaber  no  more." 

Business  done. — In  Committee  on 
Insurance  Bill. 

Thursday. — KINLOCH-COOKE,  assum- 
ing cloak  of  lamented  HEXNIKER- 
HEATON,  pionser  and  champion  of 
postal  and  telegraphic  reform,  takes 
opportunity  of  making  personal  state- 
ment. Owing  to  trouble  with  pince-nez, 
inability  at  once  to  recapture  the  line 
he  left  off  reading  from  manuscript, 
and,  above  all,  tendency  of  syllables  of 
his  speech  to  remain  stuck  in  his  throat, 
some  difficulty  in  following  the  story. 
Gathered  its  burden  to  be  that  post- 
office  dealing  with  telegrams  addressed 
to  officers  or  men  at  sea  charge  the 
superscripture  H.M.S.  as  three  words, 
price  three  half-pence. 

The  INFANT  SAMUEL,  whilst  not  able 
to  repel  the  charge,  pleads  that  if  the 
letters  be  written  not  as  capitals  but 
as  small  type  they  will  go  for  a  half- 
penny. 


NOVEMBEB  15.  1911.]  ;       PTJNCH,jOR_im  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


.c  i 


Distinction  is  subtle.  Its  existence 
not  generally  known  among  correspon- 
dents of  Jack  at  sea.  Useful  to  have 
it  openly  stated,  surely  as  prelude  to 
immediate  revision  of  rules  which  make 
possible  so  absurd  an  anomaly. 

SAHK  tells  me  of  two  other  instances 
incredible  save  on  such  authority.  If, 
in  a  telegram,  ho  is  addressed  as  M.P. 
the  abbreviation  is  treated  as  two 
words  and  is  charged  one  penny. 
Bsverse  the  letters  and  in  another 
connection  telegraph  P.M.  and  they  go 
for  a  halfpenny.  Also,  if  you  telegraph 
to  a  friend  who  lives  at  Herne  Bay  the 
address  is  charged  as- one  word.  If 
your  correspondent  lives  at  Herne  Hill 
it  is  two  words,  and  bang  goes  a  penny. 
In  spite  of  tender  years  the  INFANT 
SAMUEL,  as  shown  by  successful  ad- 
ministration of  Post  Office,  is  a  man 
of  business.  It  would  be  worth  his 
while  to  get  in  from  the  Head  Office  a 
full  list  of  these  absurdities — there  are 
scores  of  them  equally  grotesque — and 
remove  them  with  stroke  of  pen.  An 
hour  would  suffice  for  the  work. 

Business  done. — Clause  46  of  Insur- 
ance Bill. 

Friday. — Among  legacies  WINSTON 
found  left  behind  by  his  predecessor  at 
the  Admiralty  was  a  submarine  in 
whose  design  and  building  are  dis- 
played all  the  latest  resources  of 
science.  The  only  thing  necessary  for 
complete  equipment  is  a  name.  Cus- 
tom hitherto  is  to  call  submarines 
Al,  A2,  A3,  and  so  on.  In  addition 
to  sad  associations  connected  with 
two  of  these  craft,  adhesion  to  the  nu- 
merical-cum-alphabetical  nomenclature 
has  about  it  poverty-stricken  look. 
WINSTON,  nothing  if  not  original,  has 
resolved  to  strike  out  new  line. 

I   shall    call    the   new   submarine 
The  Whale,"  he  said. 
"  Why  Whale  ?  "  I  asked. 
"My  good  TOBY,  do  you  forget  that 
)he  first  submarine  of  which  the  world 
las  knowledge  was  a  whale '?     It  had 
economical  advantages  over  our  modern 
;raft,  such  as  I  cruised  in  on  Monday, 
>ecaus3~it  was  single-handed.     Also  it 
;ould  sink  lower,  forge  ahead  faster,  and 


'  IT  ISN'T  EVERY  DAY,  Sin,  YOU  CAS  GET  A  CHAIK  BTRAICIIT  KBOM  A  CONTINKNT.U.  I'.u  v.  i.  ' 

'WHY,    YOU  TOLD   ME  THE  SAME  THING   LAST  WEEK   ABOl'T  A   VASE." 

'QflTE   1UOHT,    SIR;     AT  THE   MOMENT  CROWNED   'EADS  ARE  TAKISl!   NO    Risk-.'1 


vheri  its  voyage  was  over  it  had  a  way  of 
discharging  its  crew  with  equal  efficacy 
and  expedition.  So  the  new  boat  shall 

e   The    Whale;    and  I  hope  you  will 

ome  down  to  the  christening,  bringing 

•our  cup  with  you." 

Business    done. — Passed  three  more 
clauses  of  Insurance  Bill. 


'•Lady  Paul  \vns  then  called,  ami.  attired  in 
an  old  gold  costume  with  furs,  and  wearing  a 
bunch  of  lilies- of  the  valley,  entered  the.  \\itno-s- 
li:ix.  Whereupon  the  court  adjourned  until  this 

morning. "-/'"//;/  Mail. 

And  that  is  what  we  call  a  civil  court ! 


THE    MUSICOPHARMACOPCKIA. 

[A  Continental  doctor  has  dim-own*!  tint 
each  musical  instrument  has  a  direct  curative 
action  on  the  human  organism.] 

ALL  the  years  that  I  remember  (I  was 

fifty  last  December) 
I've  been  hariied  by  a  regiment  of 

invalid  alarms ; 
Now  I  revel  in  existence,  for  I  keep ! 

them  at  a  distance 


I  will  gently  tintinnabulate  to  rectify 

their  tone; 
When  with  gouty  pangs  I  bellow,  I 

discourse  upon  the  'cello, 
And  it's  death  to  indigestion  when  I 

tackle  my  trombone. 

Then  my  livtr  trouble  passes  to  the 

clashing  of  the  brasses. 
With  the  trumpet  my  rheumatics  are 
dispatched  to  kingdom  conic; 


By  the  potent  aid  of  music's  most   For  the  dumps  the  ocarina,   for   (In- 
extraordinary  charms. 

When  a  pain  attacks  my  middle,  I  have 
but  to  take  my  fiddle, 


And  a  bar  or  two  will  give  it  the 

uncompromising  boot ; 
While  the  cornet  (played  at  night)  is  a 

specific  for  bronchitis, 
And  the  germs  of  influenza  may  be 

slaughtered  with  a  flute. 

If  my  nerves  are  all  a-janglo  with  the 
trivial  triangle 


mumps  the  concertina. 
For  the  bile  the  double-bass  and  for 
dyspepsia  the  drum. 

And,  supposing  on  occasion   I   should 

undergo  invasion 
From  a  mixture  of  my  maladies  of 

each  and  every  brand, 
I  shall  have  no  cause  for  worry  ;  to  my 

gramophone  I  '11  hurry, 
And  recover  to  the  strains  of  Pongo's 
Polyphonic  Band. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON_CHARTVAi;i.          [NOVEMBER  15. 


AT   THE    PLAY 

•  DAP." 

IN  r.citithian.on  the  so-called  Cornish 
Riviera,  lives  one  Biokard  Beaufort, 
yeoman  farmer,  very  knowledgable  on 
rural  matters,  and  much  respected  by 
an  unsophisticated  community.  Ihey 
consult  him  freely,  and  his  advice  is 
sa«e.  Also  he  has  a  secret :  he  knows 
himself  to  be  the  natural  son  of  some- 
body, but  has  not  yet  identified  Ins 
father.  Into  his  tranquil  existence 


suddenly    bursts    tbe    Lothario    who 


to  reidjust  his  plans  and  find  his  own 
happiness  in  securing  that  of  the  young 
couple.  In  the  issue,  so  well  does  he 
play  his  altruistic  part  in  making  him- 
self agreeable  to  the  girl  that  she  be- 

-,  i       i   •      _•  .  _     ;  .^ILI.,  rf* fi- 


If  there  might  seem  to  be  a  certain 
air  of  effrontery  in  a  scheme  by 
which  almost  the  first  act  of  amends 
done  by  a  father  to  his  neglected 
natural  son  was  to  rob  him  of  his 


comes 


cu.uu-,  fascinated  by  his  incorrigible  gift  sweetheart,  this  was  largely  dissipated 
of  gallantry  and  the  son,  observing ;  by  the  charm  and  persuasiveness  of 
tlrs  development,  resigns  her  to  his  |  Mr.  CYRIL  MAUDE  in  a  part  that  fitted 
father  and  consoles  himself  with  the  i  him  to  the  finger-tips.  There  was,  of 
affection  of  a  rustic  maiden  more  suited  course,  nothing  strange  in  this,  for  all 
to  his  own  tastes  and  limitations.  characters  seem  to  come  alike  to  tins 

So    in  crude  brevity,  runs  the  tale.   Protean  actor;    but   the   performance 
ie  'First   Act,   which  sets  forth  the  of  Mr.  KENNETH  DOUGIAS  as  lliclitirtl 


The 

character    and    condition    of 


begot  him — to  wit,  Sir  Joseph 
Lorrimer,  Bart.,  late  of  the 
diplomatic  sen-ice.  This  tiravo 
gentleman,  recently  aroused  to 
a  sense  of  approaching  age  by 
the  ridicule  cast  on  his  first  grey 
hairs  by  the  latest  object  of  his 
wandering  fancy,  has  resolved  to 
forswear  the  sex,  to  range  hfm- 
self,  and  to  spend  his  declining 
years  in  the  companionship  of 
his  hitherto  neglected  offspring. 
So  the  youth  is  brought  to 
town  to  be  taught  the  urbanities. 
His  parent's  programme  is 
generous :  to  his  own  tailor 
shall  be  entrusted  the  reforma- 
tion of  his  boy's  grotesque 
exterior;  he  shall  assume  the 
family  name;  a  woman  of  the 
world  shall  be  found  who  will 
put  him  through  his  paces ;  he 
shall  join  the  service  of  his 
!  country  as  a  Territorial  (why 
this  proposal  was  received  by 
the  audience  with  a  snigger  I 
cannot  say) ;  and  altogether,  he 
shall  be  made  worthy  of  his 
father's  new-found  affection. 

The  son,  who  meanwhile  has 
invited  a  village-neighbour 
(addicted  to  cyc'ing  at  the  back 
of  the  stage)  to  marry  him, 
receives  his  father's  schemes 

with  stolid,  inarticulate  indiffer-    SOTHERN).  '"'"Are  you 'nfyVatberT" 
ence :    but   when   objection    is 


A  FAUX  PA. 
(Mr.  KENNETH  DOUGLAS)  to  Sam  Carbury  (Mr.  SAM 


taken  to  the  girl  on  the  ground  that  her 
late  father  was  a  scamp  he  abruptly 


Richard,   moves   with   a  pleasant  de- 
liberation that   gives   a   sense  of   the 


withdraws,  with,  the  intention  of  re-  authors'  confidence  in  themselves.  The 
suming  residence  in  the  Cornish  Riviera.  |  Second  Act  abounds  in  piquant  con- 
Hardly  has  he  shaken  the  dust  of  trasts,  but  a  slight  note  of  insincerity  is 


the  Knightsbridge  flat  from  his  feet 
(leaving  the  front-door  open)  when  the 
girl  arrives  and  penetrates  within  the 
parent's  apartment.  Into  ears  of  large 
experience  in  this  kind  she  pours  a 
tearful  tale  of  amorous  attentions  paid 
to  her  in  another  quarter.  She  fears 
that  she  may  have  innocently  been  com- 
promised and  so  made  unworthy  of  wed- 
lock with  Richard.  Still  susceptible  to 
the  charms  of  woman  (in  or  out  of 
distress),  and  already  convinced  that  his 
son  is  ill-adapted  to  be  an  ornament  of 
London  society,  Sir  Joseph  determines 


struck  in  the  heroine's  sudden  excur- 
sion to  London  with  the  design  of 
exposing  to  a  perfect  stranger  the 
embarrassments  which  apparently  she 
had  not  thought  it  worth  while  to 
confide  to  her  lover  on  the  spot. 
The  Third  Act  is  a  little  weakened 
by  an  excess  of  trivial  exits  and  en- 
trances, and  by  the  fact  that  the 
threads  which  it  gathers  up  have  been 
woven  not  so  much  in  the  play  itself  as 
in  the  interval  between  the  Second 
and  Third  Acts.  But  the  quality  of 
freshness  is  there  to  the  end. 


young  j  was  most  unusual.  An  audience  familiar 
with  the  easy  casual  humour 
which  he  commonly  affects  on 
the  stage  could  only  marvel  at 
the  tour  dc  force  by  which  ho 
assumed  a  bucolic  reticence  so 
alien  to  his  habit.  It  was  not 
his  fault  if  the  character  of 
Jticliard  seemed  to  lack  con- 
sistency. Even  allowing  for  the 
change  of  air,  there  was  perhaps 
too  crying  a  contrast  between 
his  quiet  rssourcefuhrss  and 
capability  in  the  country  and 
his  gauche  angularity  in  London. 
And  whsn  he  returned  to  his 
proper  place,  he  never  recovered 
those  practical  qualities  which, 
as  we  were  shown  in  the  First 
Act,  had  made  him  adviser-in- 
chisf  to  the  locality.  Perhaps, 
however,  this  may  be  explained 
by  the  activities  of  his  evergreen 
parent,  which  may  well  have 
discouraged  him. 

As  the   heroine   Miss   ALEX- 
ANDRA    CARLISLE    acted    very 
naturally,  and  was  particularly 
good   in   the   unfolding   of   her 
tale   of   woe.     Mr.   BEVERIDGE 
played  the  sympathetic  parson 
as  only  he  can  play  that  sort  of 
part,  and  Miss  MARIE  HEMING- 
WAY  was   really  excellent  in 
demeanour  as  the  rustic  maid, 
full  of  love's  intelligence,  who 
came  by  her  own  in  the  end. 
Mr.  SAM  SOTHERN  was  well  suited  as 
the   Baronet's   faithful   attache,    never 
diverted   from    his    devotion,    save   by 
a    chronic    tendency    to    somnolence. 
Minor  parts  sketched  by  Miss  COHUHN 
and  Mr.  HAHWOOD  were  admirably  in 
the  picture. 

Captain  JOHN  KENDALL  has  done  his 
work  of  adaptation  with  nice  judg- 
ment. He  has  revolted  against  the 
stupid  habit  of  ret.vning  French  names 
and  naturalizing  the  rest.  He  has 
painted  his  characters  in  English  colon;  s 
throughout,  and  put  them  in  an 
English  sstting  familiar  to  himself, 
with  local  customs  and  allusions  com- 
plete. One  of  the  customs  was  new  to 
me.  I  gather  that  in  Cornwall,  after  a 
lady  has  drunk  cider  out  of  a  jug,  you 


15,  mi.]          1'UNCII,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIARi\.\l;l. 


WITH   THE   STRATFORD-ON-AVON    HUNT.    NO.  2. 

"SOME  ARE  BORN  GREAT,  SOME  ACHIEVE  GREATNESS,  AND  SOME  HAVE  GREATNESS  THRUST  UPOS  'EM." — Ttretflk  Xiyht. 


pour  what  is  left  into  a  vase  and  stick  cut 
flowers  into  it.  The  original  comedy 
does  not  seem  to  have  asked  for  much 
purging,  but  what  risks  there  were 
Captain  KENDALL  has  cheerfully  run. 
On  behalf  of  Mr.  Punch,  I  congratulate 
his  "  DuM-Duia,"  and  sincerely  hope 
that  his  version  will  justify  the  care 
and  sympathy  that  have  been  spent  on 
it.  O.  S. 

"  THE  WAR  GOD." 

On  Wednesday  afternoon  Sir  HER- 
BERT TREE  presented,  on  his  usual 
lavish  scale,  a  blank  verse  play  by  Mr. 
ISRAEL  ZANGWILL;  Sir  HERBERT  TREE 
himself  and  Mr.  BOURCHIER  playing  the 

parts  of This  will  never  do.  Let 

me  begin  another  paragraph,  and  try 
to  write  in  ordinary  prose. 

If  I  had  gone  to  His  Majesty's  in 
innocence,  not  knowing  what  was 
coming,  I  should  have  enjoyed  myself 
more.  But  I  had  previously  read  an 
interview  with  Mr.  ZANGWILL,  in  the 
course  of  which  he  had  made  two 
confessions;  the  first  being  that  the 
play  was  written  in  blank  verse,  and 
the  second  that  it  contained  a  scene  so 
funny  that  the  actors  could  hardly  get 
through,  with  it.  My  afternoon,  as  a 
result  of  this  information,  was  spoilt.  I 
spent  it  looking  out  for,  and  recognising, 


the  blank  verse,  and  looking  out  for, 
and  not  recognising,  the  funny  bit.  I 
don't  know  which  I  found  more  trying. 
In  every  speech  it  was  the  rhythm,  not 
the  meaning,  which  held  my  attention  ; 
in  every  action,  not  the  rueining  but 
the  possible  developments  of  humour. 
It  was  galling  to  think  that  but  for  the 
interview  I  need  never  have  suspected 
the  blank  verse;  any  more  than  you  sus- 
pected it  in  my  first  paragraph  above. 
And  as  for  the  humour  I  only  felt  its 
absence  because  I  thought  it  was  to  be 
there.  The  drama  did  not  call  for  it. 

The  War  God  is  a  melodramatic 
pamphlet  in  four  Acts.  In  Act  I.  we 
see  Torgrim,  the  Chancellor  of  Gothia, 
weaving  his  webs.  Torgrim,  looking 
something  like  Mr.  ARTHUR  BOURCHIEK 
and  something  like  BISMARCK,  dreams 
of  a  world-empire  won  by  battle,  but 
such  details  of  his  schemes  as  lie  lets 
fall  hardly  bring  home  to  us  the  idea  of 
a  master-mind  at  work.  Perhaps  it  is 
difficult  to  order  cruisers  convincingly 
in  blank  verse.  The  Chancellor,  how- 
ever, has  troubles  nearer  home,  for 
the  Socialists  of  Gothia  are  in  open 
revolt  against  the  heavy  armament 
taxes.  An  attack  on  the  palace, 
indicated  in  Act  II.,  is^  stopped 
just  in  time  by  Count  Frithiof,  a 
prophet  of  the  gospel  of  peace,  who 


condemns  not  only  the  war  policy  of 
Gothia  but  also  the  armed  revolt  of  the 
Gothians    against    it.     Frithiof,    who 
1  reminded  one  equally  of  Sir  HKIIHERT 
i  THEE    und    TOI.BTOY,   must  liavo  hod 
j  considerable     influence    over  t ho    re- 
volutionaries   to    have    stayed    them, 
but   this    influence    was    not    enough 
'  to  prevent   them    from  shooting   him 
1  afterwards  for  interfering.     Why  they 
!  could  not  have  shot  him  in   the  first 
i  place,  I  do  not  know  ;  perhaps  because 
.it  would  have  prevented   Act  III.,  a 
|  beautiful  scene  entitled  "  The  Kevolu- 
'  tionary  Camp  in  the  Mountains."    This 
'  was  much  the  best  Act  of  the  play,  and 
'  for  the  first  time  one  could  forget  the 
blank  verso  and  listen  to  Sir  HRRBEBT, 
!  who  played  and  died  with  great  dignity 
'  and  sincerity.    The  fatal  shot  was  fired 
!by  the   Lady  Norna,  a  revolutionary 
'  with  whom  Tcrgrim'$  son  Osric  was  in 
love.       Unfortunately,    Osric's     other 
object  of  devotion  was  Frithiof  himself, 
and  his  horror  at  this  murder  leads  him 
to  suicide.    At  the  same  time  Torgrim  is 
deposed  by  the  King  of  Gothia,  and 
the  double  loss  of  son  and  office  breaks 
the  Chancellor's  spirit.     Indeed,  one  is 
left  to  gather  that  he  goes  as  far  as  to 
accept  the  peace  gospel  of  Fiithiof. 

I  am  afraid  that  The  War  God  will 
not  advance  public  opinion  much.  War 


3G4 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI^         [NOVEMBER  15,  19U. 


,u  modem  times  is  a  preposterous  thing, 
and  the  more  people  realise  tins  the 
less  likely  war  becomes.  But  I  doubt 
if  Mr  7,\x(i\viLi-  helps  with  this  melo- 
drutia  It  is  not  active  enough  to 
cany  conviction.  World  politics  on 
the  stage  are  always  unreal,  for  the 
reason  that  the  men  who  make 
history  are  so  much  bigger  than 
the  author  and  the  actors.  But 
The  War  God  is  an  interesting 
attempt.  At  the  least  it  is  splendidly- 
acted,  Mr.  BOUBCHIER  being  an  ex- 
cellent Torgrim,  and  Miss  LILLAH 
MCCARTHY  an  ideal  Lady  Korna. 


salmon.  No  doubt  of  that  at  all.  It 
was  when  I  was  fourteen,  in  Scotland. 
Just  under  twenty  pounds,  and 

best   part   of    an   h.        ^     ,     _ 

that. 

pure 
alike 


Nothing 


for 

a 


Sir 


HERBERT  I  have  already  mentioned, 
and  to  the  many  other  clever  players 
in  the  cast  I  could  only  do  justice  in 
blank  verse.  I  must  not  drop  into 
blank  verse  again.  M. 

THE    SILVER    LINING. 

HE  came  into  the  club  and  flung 
himself  into  an  arm-chair  with  an 
expression  of  delight. 

"  Ah  !  "  he  said,  "  that  was  good.  I 
feel  young  again." 

"  What  was  good?"  we  asked. 

"An  experience  I  have  just  had. 
Something  I  hadn't  done  for  years  and 
thought  never  to  do  again.  They  say 
indeed  you  can  never  repeat  a  first  ex- 
citement, but  I  believe  I  have  done  it." 

"  Of    course 
psychologist. 


part  of    an   hour    playing    him. 

will  ever  come  up  to 
I  lived~weeks  in  the  time—all 
joy  and  agony,  which  are  just 
under  such  conditions." 

"But    suppose    you    went   out 
tarpon    now,    wouldn't    you    have 
similar  feeling?  " 

Never.     No,  not    even    landing    a 
whale  would  do  it  now.    I  'm  too  old." 
The   man   in   the   arm-chair  smiled 
Never  too  old,"  he  mur- 

the  KG.  asked 


you    can't,"    said 
"  You    can    enjoy 


the 
the 


THE    NEW   CUEEENCY. 

["During  a  bicycle  auction  sale  in  Crowland 
Market-place,  Peterborough,  a  bidder  offered 
three  ]>igs  in  exchange  for  a  bicycle,  and  the 
auctioneer  accepted  the  bid." — Daily  Neirs.} 

WE  cull  the  following  items  at  ran- 
dom from  the  advertisement  columns 
of  the  near  future  : — 

Are  you  bald  ?     Then  try 
"  Tliatcho  for  the  Roof," 

of  all  Chemists,  or 

Send  white  mouse  for  dainty  sample 
packet. 


at     last, 
soon,  the 


second  as  much  as  the  first,  but  you 
can't  repeat  the  first.  You  have  a 
different  pleasure:  you  compare,  co- 
ordinate, ratify." 

"But  how  about  it  if  a  very  long 
interval  occurs  ?  "  asked  the  K.C.  "  They 
say,  you  know,  that  a  man  changes 
completely  every  seven  years.  A  total 
re-growth  of  tissue.  A  man,  then,  on 
his  twenty-ninth  birthday  has  nothing 
the  same  as  when  he  was  twenty-one. 
Very  well  then,  he  can  have  a  new 
first  experience  every  seven  years." 

"Order! "  we  cried.  "  That 's  against 
the  rules.  That 's  the  most  infernal 
hair-splitting." 

"Well,  and  what  is  a  K.C.  for?  "  he 
inquired  sweetly. 

"Besides,"  said  the  psychologist, 
"  it 's  rot  too,  because  a  man  of  thirty 
can  remember  what  he  did  when  he 
was  a  boy,  and  if  your  theory  were  true 
his  memory  would  be  only  seven  years 
old." 

"Ah,  yes,"  echoed  the  man  in  the 
arm-chair,  dreamily,  "he  can  remember 
what  he  did  when  he  was  a  boy ;  indeed 
he  can! " 

"  Talking  of  boyish  firsts  and  their 
thrills,"  said  the  author,  "  what  do  you 
call  the  best  ?  What,  for  example,  was 
yours  ?  "  he  asked  of  the  K.C. 

"  Mine  ?     Oh,    mine  was   my  first 


beatifically. 
mured. 

'  What  was  yours 
the  author. 

1  The  twenty  minutes  before  my  first 
pantomime,  I  think,"  he  said.  "  Getting 
there  much  too  early,  waiting  for  the 
fiddlers  to  come  in,  seeing  them  come 
in,  hearing  them  tune  up,  watching 
the  stalls  fill,  then  the  turning  up. 
of  the  footlights,  the  overture,  and, 
but,  if  anything,  too 
rise  of  the  curtain.  After 
that  it  is  mechanical :  so  much  that  is 
strange  and  wonderful  is  happening 
that  one  is  rapt  and  bemused.  But  in 
the  twenty  minutes  before,  seated  in 
the  sacred  building,  one  is  so  intensely, 
vividly  conscious  of  everything  that 
happens  and  everything  is  a  rapture. 
That  joy  certainly  one  cannever  regain.  ' 

"And  now  you?"  said  the  psycho- 
logist to  the  man  who  was  sunk  in  his 
arm-chair  in  such  ecstasy.  "You 
started  all  this  talk.  What  was  your 
greatest  thrill  as  a  boy?" 

"Oh,  me!"  he  said.  "My  greatest 
thrill  as  a  boy  was  my  first  hansom 
ride.  That 's  why  I  'm  so  happy ; 
because  after  four  years  of  taxis  I  've 
just  had  another." 


For  sale,  a  bargain. 

Panthard  Motor,  40  horse-power, 

to  clear  at  20  mokes. 


Publishers'  Lists  (Messrs.  Bills  and 
3oom) : 

"Going  to  the  Dogs," 

A  Warning  to  England. 

By  J.  ELLIS  BABKEB. 

Price  three  bull-pups. 

The  Poetical  Works  of  KIT  TENNYSON, 
half  persian,  8vo.     Price  one  puss. 


The  American  Heiress. 

"He  had  not  the  wealth  of  the  Plantagenets, 
nor  did  he  derive  any  income  from  American 
trusts.  (Loud  daughter.)" — Scotsman. 

We  knew  what  was  meant  without  the 
explanatory  parenthesis. 


Sporting  Notes. 

'  First  Football  disengaged  ;  age  27." 

Adrt,  in  "Hereford  Times.' 


' '  Mr.  Bolton,  speaking 
that   Mr.    Balfour    is    a 
Unionists." — Cltiita  Press. 


at  Walterlong,  saic 
great    asset    to    the 


This  shows  how  difficult  it  is,  in  dis- 
tant parts  of  the  world,  to  be  correctly 
informed  of  what  is  going  on  elsewhere 
Probably  SUN  YAT  SEN  is  the  name  o: 
a  town  after  all. 


Altruism. 

'  ABSCONDING  CKEIHTOR." 

Birmingham  Daily  Mail. 


Of  all  the  quixotic  idiots- 


The  Eecollections  of  J.  HENNIKEB 

H  EATON, 

Price  one  Dorking  six  chicks  do. ; 
or  post  free,  one  Dorking  five  chicks  do. 

Wanted.— Second-hand  clothing  of 

every  description. 

Highest  value  in  spotted  terriers  sent 
per  return. 

At  the  Barkstein  Hall : 
Only  appearance  this  season  of  the 

great  vocalist, 
Sig.  Planchetto  Verdi. 

Prices : 

Stalls,  one  pekingese ;  Balcony,  onepom ; 
Gallery,  one  lurcher. 

The  Editor  of  Nutty  Nuts  will  at  all 
times  be  glad  to  consider  suitable  con- 
tributions, but  he  cannot  undertake  to 
return  MSS.  unless  a  silkworm  is  sent 
to  cover  cost  of  postage.  For  all 
accepted  matter  remuneration  is  at  the 
rate  of  one  guinea-pig  per  column. 


'EDINBURGH    WOMEN    AT 
WASH-TUB. 


THE 


UEMAHKABLE    FIGURES. 

Edinburgh  Eeoiing  News. 

It's  the  steam  that  does   it,    and  the 
constant  bending. 


"Williamson,  who  apart  from  sniping  t\v<i 
or  three  short  putts  played  perfect  golf,  holed 
out  in  72." — The  Western  Morning  Keics. 

We  are  not  professionals,  but  in  our 
humble  sporting  way  we  have  often 
groused  a  drive  and  woodcocked  an 
approach. 


15.  mi.] rrx(U  OR 


CHARIVARI. 


THE    MOVING    STAIRCASE    SEEMS   TO    HE    A    CHEAT  SUCCESS  AT   KARLS   C<>U:l    Sluiov        Wliv    Sm    « 
\VHY   NOT  TURN   THE   INNER   ClKCI.E   INTO   ONE   VAST   MEP.KY-OO-I1OCM,  ' 


Full  oillKIl  ATTBA' 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

Cecily  Chalmers,  a  pretty  little  grass-widow,   who  had 

taken  a  bungalow  near  Camberley  while  her  solemn  prig  of 

a  soldier-husband  was  fighting  (I  regret  to  say  with  successj 

the  climate  of  West  Africa,  is  called  by  Mrs.  H.  H.  PENHOSE 

A  Sheltered  Woman  (ALSTON  EIVERS).     Her  mother,  as  she 

confided  to  her  friend  the  Boy-Poet,  had  never  allowed  her 

to  know  anything  about  wickedness.     In  the  bungalow  she 

was  safely  guarded  by  a  nice  old  dragon  of  a  maid-servant ; 

and  some  austere  in-laws,  the  Major's  aunts,  lived  near  enough 

o  keep  on  her  and  her  doings  what  I  make  bold  to  call  a 

)ackbiting  eye.     But  you  can't  mother  wickedness  out  of 

existence,  as  if  it  were  a  cold  in  the  head,  and  one  Sunday 

night  it  crept  through  Cecily's  garden  into  her  drawing- 

•oom,  long  after  she  and  the  Dragon  were  safely  tucked  up 

n  their  beds,  in  the  shape  of  a  bold  bad  captain  come  to 

nake  love  to  her  married  sister-in-law  who  was  paying  her 

a  visit  ad  hoc.     Inside  the  house  the  Dragon  was  sleeping 

with  one  eye  open ;  outside,  the  Boy-Poet,  whose  suspicions, 

.  am  bound  to  say,  had  been  very  easily  roused,  was  on 

guard  in  a  ditch  ;  the  guilty  pair  were  observed,  and  Cecily 

vas  duly  told  what  had  happened.     But  so  also  were  the 

lUnts,  to  whom  a  passing  bicyclist  reported  voices,  soprano  t 

>nd  baritone,  heard  at  an  unseemly  hour  in  a  house  "  where 

nae  man  should  be."     Joy  of  the  aunts  (for,  of  course,  they 

umped  to  the  conclusion  that  Cecily  was  the  soprano)  and 

lasty  despatch  of  the  scandalous  news  to  the  West  Coast. 

leturn  of  the  unco'  guid  Major  .  .  .  and,  I  am  glad  to  say, 

mprovement  of  the  story,  up  to  this  point  not  very  good 

tuff,  and  even  at  that  not  at  all  improved  by  the  freakish 

ntrusion   of   the   French  motif  into  its  decorous  British 

espectability.  But  it  ends  well,  like  KING  CHARLES,  and  the 


Major  gets  what  he  deserves.     And  you  do  get  to  know  the 
people. 

The  title  of  Mr.  IAN  HAY'S  latest  story.  A  Safety  Match 
(BLACKWOOD),  is  a  little  obscure,  but  I  fancy  it  refers  to 
the  fact  that  Daphne,  its  heroine,  proves  herself  the  sort 
of  person   who— so   to   speak— strikes   only  on   the  box. 
Certainly  her  one  attempt  to  fall  in  love  with  a  man  who 
was  not  her  lawful  husband  turned  out  an  ignominious 
failure.     Hers  is  an  entertaining  if  not  too  original  history, 
which    begins   very  pleasantly   with   an   account  of    the 
delightful  rectory  family  of  whom  Daphne  is  the  eldest; 
and  of  tha  astonishment  of  them  all  (not  shared,  it  must 
be  confessed,  by  the  experienced  novel-reader)  when  stern- 
looking  Sir  John  Carr,  a  man  old  enough  to  be  her  father, 
proposes  to  make  her  his  wife.     So  Daphne  leaves  her 
country  economies  to  become  an  ornament  of  the  smart 
set  and  the  mistress  of  many  mansions.    The  tale  has  bsen 
told  already,  you  observe,  by  others,  from  SHKKIDAN  down- 
wards.    It  is  only  fair  to  add,  however,  that  this  Lady 
Teazle,  though  she  soon  falls  out  with  her  husband,  finds 
no  Joseph   Surface  to  abet   her ;   indeed  it  is  her  entire 
failure  in  this  respect  that  sends  her  back,  humbled  and 
wiser,  to  the  strong,  silent  man  who  has,  of  course,  loved 
her  throughout.     In  spite  of  a  rather  thrilling  description 
of  a  mining  strike  and  the  consequent  disaster,  I  myself 
liked  this  part  of  the  book  least ;  it  seemed  to  suffer  from 
some  uncertainty  of  purpose.     But  the  "  handsome  rectory 
children  "  of  the  early  chapters,  their  vague  father,  and 
their  muddled   but   affectionate   home-life,  are   things  of 
pure  joy.  

Personally,  I  have  never  spent  Saturday  night  in   the 
bar  of  a  public-house  at  Barking  Town,  but  this  does  not 


366 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  15,  1911. 


prevent  my  being  sure  that  the  persons  and  talk  I  should 
fin.l  there  are  precisely  as  Mr.  ROBKRT  HALIFAX  represents 
them  in  A  Whistling  Woman  (CONSTABLE).  Those  who 
know  what  is  what  in  fiction  have  for  some  time  now  had 
their  eyes  expectantly  upon  Mr.  HALIFAX  ;  and  the  present 
book  will  certainly  confirm  their  belief  in  him.  The  point 
which  strikes  me  most  about  the  story  is  its  obvious  sincerity. 
The  courtship  of  Arthur  as  conducted  by  Lydia,  who  has 
to  whistle  so  long  and  desperately  for  him,  is  told  with  a 
good  deal  of  quiet  humour ;  but  humour  is  by  no  means 
its  dominant  note.  I  have  the  idea,  indeed,  that  Mr. 
HALIFAX  is  half  afraid  of  his  own  sense  of  fun,  as  of  some- 
thing that  might  inteifere  with  the  absolute  truth  of  what 
he  writes.  The  result  is  a  study  in  the  unflinching  realism 
that  is  as  far  removed  from  sensationalism  as  from  flippancy. 
I  will  not.  deny  that,  now  and  again,  the  effect  of  this 
method  is  a  certain  feeling  of  oppression;  but  always, 
when  this. threatens,  the  real  humanity  of  the. tale  asserts 
itself,  and  takes  the  reader  captive  again.  Arthur,  the 
laggard  lover;  Slatt,( 
the  barber  book-maker; 
Lydia,  and  her  de- 
pressed mother  who 
exists  upon  patent 
foods ;  an'd  braye,  ineff- 
ective little  ''Miss.Sum- 
merbell,  with  her  adora- 
tion for  the  over- worked 
curate  Derintj,  all  these 
live  as  only  real  sym- 
pathy and  knowledge 
cun  make  them. 


newly  married  couple.  The  T.imes,  I  have  discovered  for 
myself,  briefly  contemns  tKose  same  diversions  and  difli- 
culties  as  mere  "  squabbles."  I  anticipate  that  the  weekly 
Eeviews,  each  in  its  own  degree,  will  adopt  the  latter  line, 
that  tli3  Ladies'  Journals  will  follow  the  former.  It  is 
impossible  to  say  that  either  side  is,  from  its  own  point  of 
view,  wrong.  Mr.  HOWAHD  appears  to  me  to  be  beyond 
criticism,  above  it  or  below  it,  as  you  care  to  look  at  him. 
He  is  not  at  his  merriest  and  brightest  in  this  instance, 
but  he  is  at  least,  as  always,  merry  and  bright.  He  is 
no  subtle  observer  of  the  inner  workings  of  the  human 
soul,  nor  is  he  the  inventor  of  startling  and  original 
themes;  but  he  has  a  humorous  way  with  him  and  an  eye 
for  the  suburban  manner.  Clearly,  Celia  and  Austin  Grain 
were  very  lucky  to  have  him  for  their  intermediary  in 
courtship  days,  the  best  man  at  their  wedding,  their 
guide,  philosopher,  friend  and  scapegoat  during  the  pre- 
liminary stages  of  the  matrimonial  struggle,  and,  at  the 
latter  end,  their  genial  and  tolerant  historian. 


THE  HISTORY 
II. — ROGER  BACON  CONSTRUCTS  A 


When  I  read,  on  page 
143  of  her  history,  that 
"never  in  the  memory 
of  the  oldest  man-about- 
town  or  most  reminis- 
cent dowager  had  any 
young  woman  made  so 
instantaneous  and  so 
amazing  a  mark  upon 
society"  as  The  Fail- 
Irish  Maid  (HURST  & 
BLACKETT),  I  was 

myself  instantaneously 

and  markedly  amazed,  for  I  had  hitherto  suspested  Grania 
O'Haraol  no  startling  prettiness,  wittiness  or  other  modish  ! 
distinction.  In  short,  I  found  her  story,  with  its  fairy  uncle, 
its  sudden  access  of  bequeathed  wealth  and  its  proudly 
obstinate  lover,  a  little  trite  and  unconvincing,  though  the 
ellmg  of  it  by  Mr.  J.  HUNTLY  MCCARTHY  was  a  thing  of 
delight.  From  his  peremptory  manner  of  hustling  it  Vo  a 
sudden  conclusion,  I  suspect  that  the  author  himself  had  no 
great  opinion  of  his  theme,  but  had  felt  the  overwhelming 
need  of  writing  about  any  old  thing  in  a  bright  and  buoyant 
spirit;  and,  if  no  better  plot  was  to  hand,  I  hold  him  fully 
excused,  for  his  felicity  of  description  and  his  digressive 
humour  are  things  to  be  aired  at  all  costs.  In  Ireland  he 
is  at  home  and  quite  pleasing,  but  in  London  of  1815  A  D 
he  is  more  than  happy  with  his  portrayal  of  contemporary 
men  and  manners.  His  chronicling  of  the  riots  in  the 
Kotunda  Theatre,  I  do,  in  the  language  of  the  time,  protest 
s  m  the  most  comic  and  whimsical  vein  conceivable. 

The  Daily  Graphic,  I  gather  from  the  publishers'  adver- 

itnent,  describes  One  of  the  Family  (WARD,  LOCK)  as  an 

Ilent  story,  of  amusing  complications  and  not  a  little 

itiment,  based  on  the  diversions   and  difficulties   of  a 


There  is  an  ahun- 
danco  of  points  of  in- 
terest in  Mr.  ESSEX 
SAIITH'S  novel,  Wind 
on  the  Heath  (LANE), 
and  yet  somehow  I 
don't  quite  care  for  it 
as  a  story.  Possibly 
this  is  because  too 
many  of  the  prominent 
people  in  it  are  unusual. 
There  are  ordinary 
people,  too  —  people 
quite  cleverly  and  con- 
vincingly ordinary,  but 
the  plot  centres  on 
others.  The  leading 
young  man  has  gipsy 
blood  in  him  which  is 
always  urging  him  to 
the  tramp's  life  and 
the  companionship,  a 
trifle  uncanny,  of  birds, 
beasts  and  fishes,  and 
of  folk  who  are  able  to 
exercise  some  strange 
hypnotic  influence  over  them.  There  is  a  fascination 
about  all  this  to  the  mere  town-dweller,  but  one  cannot 
avoid  the  feeling  that  such  mysteries  are  easy  to  invent 
but  very  hard  to  encounter  in  actual  fact.  Apart  from 
this  (which  is  the  thing  that  does  not  quite  hit  me)  there  is 
good  stuff  in  the  hero's  stormy  courtship,  and  the  compli- 
cations resulting  from  the  conditions  of  his  father's  last 
will  and  testament.  I  liked  that,  and  I  also  liked  the 
author's  whimsical  trick  of  playing  in  parenthesis  the  part 
of  showman  to  his  puppets: — "A  pretty  heroine,  this, 
who  in  five  minutes  has  given  evidence  of  ingratitude  and 
impudence  both." 

T"ER.SKINE  YOUNG.— At  37  Prince's  Avenue,  Liverpool,  on  3rd 
November,  to  Dr.  and  Mrs.  Eiskine  Young,  a  daughter;  Gaudeamus 
igitur."— Glnfynw  Hci-aM. 

Our  congratulations  to  little  Gaudeamus  Igitur.  At  the 
same  time  we  think  that,  being  a  girl,  she  should  have 
been  christened  Gaudeama  Igitur. 

"Dying  in  1802  at  the  age  of  twenty-seven,  Girtin  took  up  the  work 
of  the  topographers  and  transformed  it  from  within.  His  power  and 
mastery  seem  identified  with  the  very  genius  of  the  medium."— Times. 
Thus  is  spiritualism  vindicated  at  last. 


0*'  SCIENCE. 

WORKING   MODEL   OF  A   RAINBOW. 


NOVEMBER  22,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


ft  , 


CHARIVARIA. 

WE  are  sorry  to  hear  that  the  choice 
of   Mr.  BONAK  LAW  has  been  received 
coldly   by  some    of  our  caricaturists, 
who  consider  that  they  ought  to  have 
been  consulted.      ...  .j, 
""  * 

The   LORD-LIEUTENANT    OF    IRELAND 

has  appointed  a  Committee  to  enquire 
into  the  alleged  scarcity  of  milk  in  some 
parts  of  the  Emerald  Isle.     It  would 
certainly  seem   to  point    to   base   in- 
gratitude on  the  part  of  the  cattle,  who 

General  CANEVA  states  that  it  is  not 
the  intention  of  the  Italian  troops  to 
advance  into  the  interior  of  Tripoli  till 
the  spring.     Their  present  operations 
are,   we  suppose,   merely   the  crouch 
before  the  spring. 
*  * 

In    the    Austrian    Parliament,    the 
other  day,  a  pan-German  deputy,  Herr 
MALIK,  called  a  Badical,  Herr  HUM- 
MER, a  comedian,  whereupon  the  latter 
rushed  at  him  and  was  slashed  with  a 
dog-whip.     In  addition  to  the  punish- 
ment which  he  thus  received,   Herr 

"Mr.   Martin,   of   Chelmsford."  we 
read,  "  who  dreamed  that  the  weight  ol 
a   turkey   in   a  local    weight-guessing 
competition  was  15  Ibs.  1UJ  ozs.,  sent 
in   the   figures,   and    won    the    bird.' 
Many  of  us,  we  suspect,  have  felt  the 
weight  of  a  turkey  in  a  dream,   bul 
after,  and  not  before,  the  process  ol 
eating  it.               ,  „ 

A  Swiss  aviator  flew  to  the  welding 
of  a  girl-friend  on  his  aeroplane,  and 
as  the  newly  married  couple  came  out 
of  church,  dropped  a  bouquet,  from  an 

used  to  be  taken  for  such  nice 
drives  by  the  peasantry,  if  they 
are  now  refusing  to  make  any 
return.  +  * 

»!• 

The  fact  that  Lord  ASHTON 
is  refusing  to  employ  Labour 
agitators  in  his  linoleum  works 
at  Stafford,  and  that  there  are 
at  present  no  legal  means  of 
forcing  him  to  do  so,  brings 
home  to  us  vividly  the  need 
there  is  for  a  Socialist  Govern- 
ment. $  # 

'  --',• 

Meanwhile  The  Daily  Mail 
quotes  what,  on  fie  face  of 
it,  looks  like  an  unfortunate 
speech  by  a  workman  whose 
aim  it  was  to  soothe  his 
Lordship's  ruffled  spirits. 
"We  know,"  said  this  speaker 
according  to  our  contem- 
porary, "that  there  are  men 
among  us  who  on  all  occasions 
display  that  want  of  loyalty 
which  is  essential  for  the  well- 
being  of  the  firm." 

:|!     :;: 
* 

We  should  like  the  CROWN 
PRINCE  OP  GERMANY  to  know 
that  our  KINO  and  QUEEN  had 
arranged  some  time  ago  to 
leave  the  country. 


"A  strong  man,"  says  the 
German  Chancellor,  "does  not  need 
to  be  ever  carrying  his  sword  in  his 
mouth."  This  is  just  as  well.  In 
crowded  cities,  at  any  rate,  the  hat-pin 
danger  is  quite  sufficient  to  cope  with. 
*  ,.* 

The  National  Peace  Council  has 
resolved  to  develop  a  national  move- 
ment in  favour  of  the  establishment 
of  an  Anglo-German  understanding. 
The  chief  difficulty,  it  has  always 
seemed  to  us,  is  to  decide  which  of 
the  two  nations  shall  stand  under. 
*  ,  * 

The  Dean  of  St.  PAUL'S  predicts 
that  England  will  not  long  remain  the 
Workshop  of  the  World.  Still  there 
is  always  the  chance  of  its  becoming 
the  Workhouse  of  the  World. 


Subscriber. 
Exchange. 


"FIRE  SRIOADB!    FIRS  BRIGADE!' 
"  You  'RE  THROUGH  ! " 


HUMMER,  we  understand,  will,  accord- 
ing to  Continental  etiquette,  have  to 
fight  a  duel  with  every  funny  man  in 
Austria  in  consequence  of  his  having 
considered  it  an  insult  to  be  called  a 
comedian.  Fortunately,  British  eti- 
quette does  not  require  Mr.  BOOTH  to 
fight  all  our  company-promoters  on 
similar  grounds;  and  this  is  well,  for 
some  of  them  are  very  tricky. 
*  * 

The  Vicar  of  Claygate  has  written  a 
pamphlet  on  the  importance  of  breath- 
ing properly.  This  is  a  matter  of 
peculiar  importance  for  clergymen,  as 
so  many  persons,  especially  during  a 
sermon,  breathe  so  noisily  that  one 
would  almost  imagine  that  they  were 
snoring. 


altitude  of  sixty  feet,  in  front 
of  the  bride.  Although  he 
missed  her,  his  achievement 
is  considered  a  creditable  one 

in  military  aerial  circlet. 

*  * 

The  street  cleaners  have 
gone  on  strike  in  New  York. 
They  have,  we  hear,  without 
exception,  "a  bad  press." 
This  could  scarcely  happen 
here,  where  dealers  in  garbage 
have  an  organ  or  two  of  their 
own.  *  , 

The  date  11/11/11  proved 
so  easy  to  remember  that  a 
Gotham  correspondent  writes 
to  suggest  that  every  day 
should  bear  that  date. 

*  « 

So  much  attention  has  been 
paid  to  this  numerical  coincid- 
ence that  one  is  surprised  that 
no  accounts  should  have  been 
handed  down  to  us  of  the  wild 
excitement  there  must  hare 
been  on  the  first  day  of  the 
year  Ona.  *  * 

There  is,  we  hear,  some 
disappointment  in  the  City. 
The  titles  of  the  books  which 
KINO  GEORGE  has  taken  with 
him,  to  divert  him  on  the 
voyage,  have  been  published, 
and  the  intensely  interesting  volume 
presented  to  His  Majesty  by  the  Cor- 
poration, consisting  of  the  signatures 
of  everyone  who  was  present  at  the 
Guildhall  Luncheon  to  His  Majesty, 

does  not  figure  in  the  list. 

*  * 

Many  nervous  folk  are  now  wondering 
whether,  in  view  of  a  recent  decision  of 
the  Birmingham  stipendiary,  Boxing 
Day  will  be  abolished. 

A  Dairying  Feat. 

"It  appears  that  the  Alnwick  milk  dealer* 
want  to  raise  the  price  of  their  commodity  from 
3d.  to  4d.  a  quart.  Seems  to  us  if  this  sort  of 
thing  goes  on  we  must  take  the  bulMiy  the 
horns  and  get  a  municipal  milk  supply." 

Almcick  QuarJia*. 


3(58 


PUNCH,    01!    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  22,  1911. 


A  VICTIM    OF   INTRIGUE. 

THE  Tax-cart  had  returned  from  the  Station  laden  with 
a  crate,  from  which,  when  deposited  and  opened  in  the 
Poultry-yard,  a  stout  white  goose  waddled  with  languid 
di'.iiity.  " "  Why,  gobbles  my  soul !  "  cried  the  Turkey,  "  it 's 
Emmeline !  "  "  No  end  glad  to  see  you !  "  said  the  Bantam 
Cock,  as  he  strutted  up.  "  What  with  you  leavm'  just 
before  Michaelmas  and  that,  had  an  idea  you'd  gone  for 
goad  !  "  "  Where  have  you  been  all  this  time,  dear  ?  " 
inquired  the  Orpington  Hen.  Emmeline  replied,  with  a 
slightly  overdone  carelessness,  that  she  had  been  at  Co  vent 
Garden.  "  Covent  Garden  ?  "  repeated  an  Aylesbury  Duck. 
"  Sure  you  don't  mean  Leadenhall  Market  ?  " 

"  I  was  not  at  the  Market,"  explained  Emmeline  im- 
portantly. "  I  was  at  the  Opera  House.  I  had  a  special 
engagement  to  appear  in  HUMPERDINCK'S  Children  of  the 
Ki'mj."  "You've  put  on  flesh,  Emmeline!"  said  the 
Turkey  a  little  irrelevantly,  "  lot  o'  flesh  you  've  put 
on,  by  gad  !  "  "  They  tell  me,"  said  Emmeline,  "  German 
Opera  is  apt  to  produce,  that  effect.  Though,  in  my  case, 
my  figure  is  generally  considered  to  have  improved." 

"  Well,"  said  the  "Bantam,  "  and  now  let 's  hear  what 
you've  been  doing  up  there?" — and  Emmeline  was  by 
no  means  reluctant  to  oblige.  "  Before  obtaining  an 
engagement,"  she  began,  "one  has  to  go  through  a  course 
of  training  for  the  stage;  but  they  soon  found  there  was 
very  little  they  could  teach  me  \  I  mean  my  technique  was 
so  perfect  already.  And,  when  rehearsals  began  and  I  trod 
the  boards  for  the  first  time,  I  felt  I  was  at  last  in  my  true 
element— which  is  more  than  can  be  said  for  the  other 
birds  in  the  company.  Hopeless  they  were  !  No  idea  of 
ensemble — never  seemed  able  to  remember  where  to  stand, 
or  wlien  to  make  a  '  cross  ' !  As  I  said  more  than  once  to 
the  Stage-Manager, '  The  fact  of  the  matter  is,1  I  said, 
'  they  're  not  Artists  at  all*— they  're  simply  Walkers-on  ! ' 
However,  between  us  we  managed  to  get  them  into  some 
sort  of  shape  for  the.  First  Night.  I  was  a  little  nervous 
beforehand  and  afraid  of  breaking  down— but,  curiously 
enough,  the  moment  the  curtain  went  up  I  felt  I  'd  never 
been  in  better  voice.  As  for  the  music — well,  I  don't  call 
it  music — harsh  and  discordant,  if  you  ask  ma  !  And  the 
plot — I  never  could  make  head  or  tail  of  it  myself.  I 
remember  saying  to  the  Tenor  once  at  rehearsal,  '  Tell 
me,'  I  said,  '  can  this  thing  possibly  succeed?'  I  forget 
his  reply. 

"But  fortunately,  the  moment  I  made  my  first  entrance 
with  the  young  person  who  was  engaged  as  my  Goose-girl, 
I  could  see  I  had  the  whole  house  with  me,  and  that  made 
me  more  hopeful  about  the  piece. 

"All  my  scenes  with  her  went  tremendously,  and  the 
First  Act  ended  with  rapturous  applause,  in  which  I  was 
too  happy  and  excited  to  resist  joining.  Well,  strictly 
speaking,  my  contract  did  not  require  me  to  appear  in  the 
subsequent  Acts,  and  I  had  not  intended  to  do  so.  But,  as 
I  stood  looking  on  from  the  wings,  I  had  a  sense  of  some- 
thing lacking — a  want  which  perhaps  I  alone  could  supply. 

"  The  roar  of  delighted  welcome  that  greeted  me  as  I 
tripped  gracefully  on  removed  any  misgivings  I  might  have 
had.  It  proved  that  my  instinct  had  not  misled  me !  And, 
after  that,  I  stood  by  the  Hero  and  Heroine  to  the  close. 
It  gave  them  confidence,  especially  as  I  was  able  to  sustain 
their  voices  by  throwing  in  a  note  or  two  every  now  and 
then.  Not  often — but  whenever  it  struck  me  they  were 
getting  out  of  tune. 

"  The  theatre-staff  officiously  attempted  to  interfere,  but  I 
took  no  notice  of  them — it  was  enough  for  me  that  my 
efforts  were  understood  and  appreciated  in  front  of  the 
house.  I  don't  mind  telling  you  that  I,  and  I  alone,  pulled 


that  Opera  through !  The  curtain  fell  on  the  Last  Act 
amidst  the  wildest  enthusiasm,  and  a  unanimous  call, 
which  I  knew  could  only  be  meant  for  Me !  Still,  I  would 
not  allow  it  to  turn  my  head.  My  little  Goose-girl  had 
really  sung  quite  prettily;  it  is  true  that,  perhaps  unin- 
tentionally, she  had  spoilt  some  of  my  best  effects — but 
then  1  had  the  proud  satisfaction  of  knowing  I  had  played 
her  off  the  stage !  So  I  said  to  her,  '  My  dear,'  I  said,  '  J 
couldn't  think  of  going  on  to  take  my  call  without  you.' 
So  we  went  on  together. 

"  Only  those  who  have  been  through  it  can  imagine  the 
sensations  of  an  Artist  on  realising  that  she  has  gona 
straight  to  the  great  heart  of  the  Public,  so  it  would  ho 
useless  to  describe  my  feelings  as  I  stood  there,  my  eyes 
dim,  my  bosom  heaving  with  pride  and  joy  .  .  .  And  then 
an  incident  happened  on  which  I  do  not  care  to  dwell.  AH 
immense  floral  trophy  had  been  passed  up  to  me  across  tlu' 
footlights,  and,  if  you  '11  believe  me,  that  unprincipled 
Tenor  handed  it  to  the  Goose-girl,  under  my  very  beak  ! 
And  she  actually  took  the  trophy,  too !  I  might  have  made1 
a  scene,  of  course,  if  I  had  chosen  to  forget  myself  so  fa- 
As  it  was,  I  resolved  to  behave  with  tact  and  savoir  fairc : 
I  just  gave  the  audience  a  glance — half  humorous,  ha' I 
appealing,  you  know — like  this  "  (and  here  Emmeline  gave 
an  illustration  of  the  sort  of  thing)  "  as  much  as  to  say, 
'It's  all  right,  I  don't  mind.  Don't  undeceive  the  pocr 
child  !  Let  her  keep  her  illusions — and  her  floral  tribute  ! 
And  the  audience  understood  me — they  behaved  quite 
beautifully  !  I  don't  believe  she  knows  the  truth  even  yet. 
But  when  she  had  driven  off  in  her  car  with  my  flowers  1 
own  to  being  slightly  hysterical.  And  the  next  morning— 
that  was  yesterday — I  had  an  interview  with  the  Directors. 
'  Gentlemen,'  I  said,  '  I  'm  most  sorry  to  cause  you  any 
embarrassment — but,'  Tsaid,  'but  I  have  my  feelings  .as:  an 
Artist.  And,  after  what  occurred  last  night,  all  I  can  say  is  j 
this  :  Either  that  Goose-girl  leaves  the  Company,  or  7  do. 
It 's  for  you  to  choose  between  us! '  I  told  them  .  .  .  And 
so  here  I  am.  I  fully  expect  the  Management  will  move 
Heaven  and  Earth  to  persuade  me  to  return  to  the  Cast . 
But  the  insight  all  this  has  given  me  into  the  intrigues  an: I 
jealousies  that  undermine  the ,  Profession  has  thoroughly 
disgusted  me  with  the  Stage.  I  shall  never  go  back.  At 
least  I  don't  think  I  shall." 

The  general  opinion  of  the  Poultry-yard  was  that  Em- 
meline had  shown  a  very  proper  spirit. 

"  They  didn'  hev  no   use  for  that   goose  up  at  Covent 
Garden,"  the   Farmer  was  remarking.     "But  I  will- say  , 
they  've  fattened  her  up  proper."    "  Ah,"  said  the  Farmer's  j 
Wife,  "  we  shall  soon  have  Christmas  on  us  now !  " — rather  I 
as  though  that  festival  were  some  sort  of  leopard.    "  Christ-  ' 
mas  ?  "  said  the  Farmer ;  "  Bob  and  his  wife  11  be  down 
'ere  nex'  Sunday." 

There  are  difficulties  connected  with  Emmeline's  return 
to  Grand  Opera  now  which  can  hardly  be  overcome  by  the 
most  consummate  managerial  diplomacy.  F.  A. 


An  Improvement  on  the  Drag. 

';A  foxhound  at  the  Lochhead,  on  the  Elic  estate,  went  oil'  with  a 
bang  to  Sandriggs.  He  was  headed,  and  turning  west  to  Kilconqulmr 
House,  lie  made  his  way  back  to  Balhoothic  farm  to  Elie,  where  he 
found  sanctuary  in  a  drain." 

In  the  absence  of  a  fox  this  is  always  pretty  fair  sport. 

"The  neighbourhood  is  admirably  adapted  for  silk -worm  rearing, 
and  this  industry  might  also  prow  attractive  to  some  members  of  criminal 
tribes." — Pioneer. 

For  Heaven's  sake  don't  let  us  brutalise  the  criminal  in 
this  way. 


PUNCH.  OB  THE  LONDON  CHABIVABI.-NovKMBKB  22.  1911 


THE  PITILESS  PHILANTHROPIST. 

MR.  LLOYD  GEOGGE.  "NOW    UNDEESTAND,    I'VE   BROUGHT   YOU    OUT    TO    DO    YOU    GOOD, 
AND    GOOD    I    WILL    DO    YOU,    WHETHER    YOU    LIKE    IT    OR    NOT." 


NovKMi'.Ku  ±2,  1911.] 


TIIE   LONDON   CHARIVAIil. 


371 


Litdy.   '-llvi.i.0,  NEIL;    YOU'VE  STARTED  A  r.ot.v  COUIISE  IIEI:K,  HUE  voi-t" 

M&    "YES,    MUM,    A  FINE   NEW   GOLF  COUUSE." 

l  (vaffii-e  on  (he  subject).  "On,  TIIEKE  'I.L  BE  A  GOOD  FEW." 


MANY   IIO,.E<  ARK  THEBE  I" 


STAMPS! 

CHARLES  (for  you  understand  about  St.  Stephen's ; 

I  seldom  leave  the  Heliconian  hill), 
What  is  the  nature  of  the  fuss  or  grievance 

That  long  hath  stirred  my  calm  and  stirs  it  still  ? 
Tell  me  the  latest  betting  :  is  it  evens 

On  the  Insurance  Bill? 

And  who  's  to  be  insured,  and  why  ?  Shall  we  b3  ? 

And  what  is  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  driving  at  ? 
And  does  one  have  to  fasten  stamps  on  Hebe 

Or  fix  them  to  the  dresser  or  the  cat  ? 
And  what  is  Clause  10,000,  Section  3  b, 

Or  some  old  rot  like  that  ? 

And  does  your  gardener,  looking  simply  furious, 
Come  to  you  every  morning  as  you  toy 

With  breakfast,  saying,  "  This  here  Bill 's  injurious  : 
Some  five-and-twenty  winters,  man  and  boy  " 

(One's  gardener  always  talks  like  that ;  it 's  curious), 
"  I  've  been  in  your  employ " 

Or  don't  you  keep  a  gardener  ?  I  've  forgotten ; 

But  anyhow  explain  (you  're  at  the  Bar ; 
You  ought  to  know  these  things),  will  beef,  or  cotton, 

Or  Consols  rise  or  sink  or  stay  at  par 
If  this  Bill  triumphs  ?  Also  tell  me  what  an 

Inspector's  duties  are. 


Which  are  the  mornings  they  will  mostly  come  on  ? 

And  shall  they  break  a  Briton's  castle  wall  ? 
That  is  a  theme  I  would  not  have  you  dumb  on  ; 

And  will  they  kindly  tell  us,  when  they  call, 
How  we  're  to  stick  these  stamps,  that  have  no  gum  on, 

To  anything  at  all? 

(A  nasty  one  for  SAMUEL.)     But  there 's  lots  more  : 

Is  this  a  notion  bagged  from  Germany, 
The  last  sad  case  of  dumping?    Ay,  and  what 's  more, 

Who  will  support  the  burden  ?     You  and  me? 
Will  it  affect  the  Pytcbley  or  the  Cottesmore, 

Peckham  or  Stratford,  E.  ? 

Tell  me  these  things  quite  clearly  and  in  order. 
Lest  the  loud  droning  of  the  Daily  Scare 

Drives  me  to  some  strong  refuge,  where  the  wardrr 
Humours  me  now  and  then,  and  lets  me  wcur 

Stiinips  for  my  neck-cloth  and  a  roseate  border 
Of  stamps  around  my  hair.  EVOB. 

A  letter  addressed  to  the  West  Gloucestershire  Waier 
Company  runs  as  follows  : — 

"Sir,  I  am  writing  in  rrlViviirp  t»  nast.-of  witfr  liy  my  nriglilxmr 
Mr. .   On  Saturday  last  he  tlirew  12  liuckrU  of  coni]>»iiy  s  water  on 

ny  husland.     I  consider  it  my  duty  to  in  Turin  you." 

The  cool  detachment  of  the  writer  cannot  be  too  highly 

) raised. 


873 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  22,  1911. 


THE    INVADER. 

I  ACTUALLY  saw  him  for  the  first 
time  on  Wednesday  evening;  but  he 
had  "ivi-n  me  warning  of  his  approach 
,,n  the  previous  Monday.  On  that  night 
I  was  awakened  suddenly  by  the  noise 
of  somebody  eating  wood.  The  sound 
seemed  to  come  from  underneath  the  far 
corner  of  the  room,  and  it  might  have 
teen  the  man  in  the  flat  below  stand- 
ing on  his  bed  and  biting  a  pen-holder. 
I  did  what  everybody  does  when  he 
hears  a  strange  noise  in  his  bedroom  at 
night ;  1  leant  out  and  felt  for  a  boot, 
Hung  it  in  the  direction  of  the  noise, 
and  in  the  subsequent  quiet  went  to 
sleep. 

But  at  three  o'clock  I  was  awake 
again.  Whoever  it  was  was  very 
hungry  indeed.  He  ate  wood  steadily, 
from  three  to  four,  my  one  remaining 
l>oot  quite  failing  to  put  him  off  his 
food.  Eecognising  him  now  for  a 
mouse  I  tried  the  blandishments  one 
tries  with  animals.  I  said,  "  Did  urns 
then,"  "  Woa-ho  there !  steady  !  "  and 
then,  very  firmly,  "Down,  Sir  !  " 

And  on  Wednesday  evening  I  saw 
him.  I  had  been  reading  late,  and  as 
I  looked  up  suddenly  there  was  a  flash 
of  brown  across  the  sofa.  I  rubbed 
my  eyes,  fixed  them  on  the  electric  light 
and  saw  flashes  of  pink,  green  and 
purple.  "  This  is  the  end,"  I  said  to 
myself.  "My  sight  is  going."  Wishing 
to  take  a  last  farewell  of  London,  I 
walked  across  the  room  and  shot  the 
blind  up.  There  was  another  flash  of 
brown.  .  .  . 

So  the  invader  had  arrived  !  Well,  I 
was  ready  for  him.  I  got  my  niblick, 
rolled  up  my  sleeves,  and  took  cover 
tehind  the  revolving  bookcase.  Sud- 
denly he  appeared.  I  lashed  out  at  him 
with  a  whoop,  and  for  five  seconds 
there  was  a  glorious  mix-up — five 
seconds  of  the  best.  Then  I  limped  to 
the  sofa  and  examined  my  foot  care- 
fully. Only  two  toes  broken,  luckily. 

The  invader  camped  for  the  night  on 
the  top  of  the  pianola,  having  supped 
lightly  on  a  pianola  roll.  I  suppose  he 
thought  at  first  it  was  an  ordinary  roll, 
and  looked  around  for  the  butter.  Au 
clair  de  la  lime  was  the  piece,  Op.  347, 
no  less,  of  C.  BOHM  ;  or,  as  they  say  in 
German,  Komm'  wir  waiidern  im  Mon- 
denschein.  One  had  hardly  suspected 
such  a  taste  for  music  in  the  lower 
classes.  He  had  stopped,  however,  at 
the  fifth  note ;  a  black  one,  I  fancy. 

This  decided  me ;  I  went  out  and 
bought  a  trap.  Now  it  was  none  of 
your  common  traps  ;  something  worthy 
of  a  disciple  of  BOHM.  I  feel,  therefore, 
that  I  should  describe  it  carefully. 

You  went  in  by  the  front  drive  in 
the  ordinary  way,  and  as  soon  as  you 


began  to  wipe  your  feet  on  the  hall  mat 
the  door  slammed  behind  you.  In  alarm 
you  turned  round  suddenly.  Trapped  ! 
Was  there  no  way  of  escape?  None. 
Stay,  what  is  that  passage  in  front? 
Does  that  lead  anywhere?  It  doss. 
It  leads  by  a  flight  of  stairs  to  a  com- 
modious apartment  on  the  first  floor. 
And  now  that  youare  in  the  commodious 
apartment,  what  can  you  do  ?  Another 
door  in  the  passage  has  magically 
closed  behind  you.  Are  you  ambushed 
again?  Yes — no!  Look  there — a  little 
turret-hole ! 

You  peer  through  ;  there  is  a  spacious 
ball-room  on  the  other  side  of  that  hole, 
replete  with  every  modern  convenience, 
including  a  swing  floor.  You  jump 
happily  on  to  it.  Free— hooray  ! 

And  then  the  floor  begins  to  swing. 
It  swings  and  sways,  and  sways  and 
swings,  and  just  as  you  are  saying  to 
your  partner,  "  Very  jolly  floor  and  all 
that,  don't  you  think,  but  a  bit  too 
slippery — what  ?  "  it  tips  up  altogether. 
Help  I 

Down  you  go,  down,  down  .  .  .  and 
suddenly — splash ! 

Now  I  must  tell  you  of  something 
particularly  ingenious.  When  your 
mouse  falls  through  the  floor  into  the 
tin  of  water  he  automatically  opens  the 
front-door  of  the  trap  for  the  next 
person ;  and  so  you  can  go  on  until  the 
whole  family  has  perished  at  sea.  Isn't 
that  jolly  ? 

Let  us  resume  the  narratory  style. 
I  put  this  trap  in  the  middle  of  the 
room,  opened  its  door,  and  sat  down 
and  played  Magic  Bells — also  by  BOHM 
(Op.  21= — when  he  was  quite  a  lad). 
Nothing  happened.  I  examined  the 
trap  carefully,  oiled  it,  and  played  the 
piece  again.  Still  no  mouse.  Finally, 
|  about  midnight,  I  went  to  bed,  leaving 
the  roll  at  the  mouth  of  the  trap.  And  in 
the  morning  an  utter  absence  of  mouse. 

Of  course  I  was  mystified  at  first, 
but  I 'soon  began  to  understand.  My 
mouse  had  never  seen  a  trap  like  this 
before,  and  he  didn't  know  how  to  work 
it.  What  he  wanted  was  a  decoy  mouse 
who  would  show  him  the  way  it  was 
done ;  or  a  list  of  simple  instructions 
printed  outside  the  front  door.  Some- 
thing of  this  sort : — 

Please  wipe  your  feet  on  the  mat. 
If  the  lift  is  not  in  working  order  try 
the  emergency  stairs. 

In  the  morning  ring  the  bell  once  for 
the  chambermaid,  twice  for  the  boots,  and 

THREE  TIMES  FOR  THE  MATH. 

If  the  bell  is  not  in  working  order  the 
bath-room  u-ill  be  found  next  to  the  bed- 
room. There  is  always  plenl;/  of  cold 
water,  but  guests  who  require  hot  water 
should  order  it  overnight. 

Please  consider  the  convenience  of  the 
other  guests  whom  the  management  may 


wish  to  entertain,  and  leave  everything 
in  the  condition  in  which  you  found  it. 

But  unfortunately  my  mouse,  though 
a  lover  of  music,  did  not  understand 
the  written  word. 

Alas,  this  story  draws  to  a  tragic 
close.  You  must  understand  that, 
though  I  and  my  mous3  had  this  taste 
for  harmonies  in  common,  yet  I  have 
no  real  affection  for  his  race.  So  one 
morning  I  said  to  the  housekeeper  as 
she  was  clearing  away  breakfast — 

"  By  the  way,  when  you  've  notli  ing 
else  to  do,  I  've  a  mouse  I  should  rather 
ike  you  to  catch." 

"  Why,  Sir,  I  caught  him  a  week 
ago,"  she  said  reproachfully. 

"  Did  you  really?"    I  said.     "  Why, 

lowever ?  " 

"  Just  one  of  thosa  penny  traps  and  a 
)it  of  cold  bacon  fat.  They  're  much 
setter  than  those  new-fangled  ideas  ;  " 
and  she  looked  contemptuously  at  my 
lotel,  which  was  now  standing  on  the 
;op  of  the  bookcase. 

"  Then  he 's — he  's  dead  ?  "  I  asked 
nervously. 
"  Yessir." 

"  Was  he  brave  to  the  last  ?  Did  he 
partake  of  a  hearty  breakfast  ?  You 
jave  him  something,  I  hope  ?  " 

"  Yessir,  I  gave  him  something  right 
nough." 

So  he  's  gone !  Well,  I  shall  miss 
him.  He  was  a  sportsman,  and  he  had 
a  love  for  the  arts.  I  like  to  think  of 
him  brave  to  the  last,  dying  with  a 
song  in  his  heart.  Almost  I  could 

wish  that 

Hang  it,  though — cold  bacon  fat ! 
Serve  him  rig  I  it.  A.  A.  M. 


The  Latest  Terror. 

The  example  set  by  two  serious 
novelists,  Miss  JANE  and  Miss  MARY 
FINDLATEK,  in  their  latest  venture, 
Penny  Money-penny,  is,  we  fear,  far 
too  striking  to  escape  the  homage  of 
wholesale  imitation. 

Already  we  hear  of  novels  which  are 
being  written  by  various  authors  to  iit 
the  following  titles. 

Merry  Mr.  Amery  :  a  Romance  of 
Tariff  Reform. 

Bilious  Billy  Byles. 

John  Redmond  and  Alf  redMond. 


Troubles  of  an  Editor. 
"  '  Ever  green  '  was  Sir  Joseph  By  kes  Rymer'a 
jocular  reference  to  the  new  Lord  Mayor  and 
Lady  Mayoress  in  his  speech  proposing  the 
election  of  the  Lord  Mayor,  and  not  '  very 
green,'  as  given  in  our  issue  of  yesterday."- 
Yoi'kshii'c  ffcr&ld. 


"  Xumbers  of  well-known  faces  from  the  Kami 
and  Kimberley  are  working  hard." 

Jiiliiiiiiifxluifii  Hit inlii >f  Tinii'K. 

\  Even  in  England  we  have  seen   (aces 
which  have  done  too  much  work. 


.  1911.3          PUNcToR  THE  LONDON   CHABJLVAEL 


THE    FAIR   WINELAND. 

[  "  It  must  bo  regarded  as  certain  that  the 
Norsemen  discovered  the  continent  of  North 
America,  busies  Greenland,  about  500  years 
before  Cabot  (and  Columbus).  .  .  .  There 
seemed  to  bo  little  doubt  that  there  was  a 
close  connexion  between  Irish  legends  and  the 
Icelandic  tales  of  voyages  to  WinelauJ  and  the 
other  lands  in  the  West.  In  the  old  Irish 
li-.^-nils  there  was  a  whole  world  of  such  for- 
tunate islands  in  the  Western  ocean,  which  had 
names  very  similar  to  that  of  Wineland." 

Dr.  Nansen.] 

A  POLITICAL  meeting  has  recently 
been  held,  comparable  only  to  the  famous 
Carlton  Club  gathering,  to  discuss  the 
important  bearings  of  Dr.  NANSEN'S 
statements  about  the  discovery  oi 
Wineland  upon  the  forthcoming  Home 
Eule  Bill.  Mr.  TIM  HEALY  presided, 
and  amongst  those  present  were  Mr. 
WILLIAM  O'BuiEN,  Mr.  BERNARD 
SHAW,  Mr.  GEORGE  CADBUBT,  Lord 
IVEAGH,  Mr.  JOHN  JAMESON,  Mr.  GEORGE 
MOORE,  and  Mr.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR  in 
disguise. 

Mr.  HEALT,  in  opening  the  proceed- 
ings, observed  that  Dr.  NANSEN  had 
admitted  that  Wineland,  which  was 
universa  ly  accepted  as  an  established 
fact  to  be  part  of  America,  was  iden- 
tical with  the  Fortunate  Islands  which 
were  discovered  by  Irish  navigators 
about  500  years  before  CABOT  and 
COLUMBUS.  The  Norwegians  put  in 
a  claim  to  the  discovery,  but  the  hardi- 
hood of  the  Norsemen  was  prover- 
bial. In  his  opinion  no  scheme  of 
Home  Rule  could  be  tolerated  for  a 
moment  which  did  not  include  as  an 
integral  part  of  Ireland  the  territories 
discovered  by  their  fearless  forefathers. 

Mr.  WILLIAM  O'BRIEN  said  that  he 
endorsed  every  syllable  that  had  fallen 
from  the  lips  of  his  intrepid  colleague. 
But  while  they  were  all  agreed  in 
principle,  divergence  of  opinion  in 
details  was  possible.  For  example,  any 
proposition  that  emanated  from  the 
tortuous  brain  of  JOHN  EEDMOND  they 
were  bound  to  reject  with  contumely 
even  before  they  knew  what  it  was. 
Another  point  was  this :  ought  the  new 
territories  to  be  merged  in  the  name 
of  Greater  Ireland,  or  ought  Ireland  to 
yield  to  the  claims  of  Wineland  ? 

Lord  IVEAGH  said  that  with  great 
respect  he  thought  that  Wineland  as  a 
name  must  go.  It  was  no  doubt  a 
picturesque  name  and  rhymed  with 
Rhineland.  .  But  it  was  not  in  corre- 
spondence with  fact.  If  they  were  to 
change  the  name  of  Ireland  to  any 
name  connected  with  drink,  he  ventured 
to  suggest  Stoutland  or  Porterland  as 
the  obviously  appropriate  designation. 

Mr.  JOHN  JAMESON  strongly  demurred 
to  this  suggestion.  Stout  was  unknown 
in  Ireland  in  the  days  of  ST.  BREN- 
DAN, BRIAN  BOROIMHE  or  OWEN  ROE 


Country  Cousin.  "DON'T  YOU  KIND  IT  VKBY  TKYI.NU  TO  UAVX  EVERYONE  TI  KMV.   i:-.i  \i> 

AND  STAKING  ?" 

Town  Lady  (with  a  sigh}.  "ONE  HAS  TO  HARDRS  OXF.SEI.K  TO  IT." 


O'NEILL,  whereas  the  fame  of  usque 
baugh  was  established  in  the  days 
of  the  earliest  Milesians.  He  would 
propose  that  Wineland  be  called  either 
Whiskeyland  or,  as  a  compromise, 
Punchland. 

Mr.  GEORGE  MOORE  said  that  he 
had  already  several  times  shaken  the 
dust  of  Ireland  from  his  feet  for  ever, 
but  Dr.  NANSEN'S  discovery  was  of 
such  interest  and  importance  that  it 
had  re-established  a  connexion  between 
himself  and  his  native  country.  But 
any  desire  on  the  part  of  those  present 
to  re-name  Wineland  after  himself  was 
doomed  to  failure,  however  much 
they  might  press  it,  as  Mooreland  had 
a  Scottish  ring,  which  is  what  ho  could 
not  tolerate. 

Mr.  GEORGE  CADBURY  drew  attention 
to  the  Cocos  Islands,  first  discovered  by 
that  intrepid  circumnavigator,  Captain 
Cos ;  but  he  was  instantaneously  re- 
moved by  two  teetotal  members  of  tho 


Society  of  Friends,  who  insistel  that 
even  to  be  in  a  room  where  a  country 
named  Wineland  was  being  discussed 
was  contra  bonos  mores. 

Mr.  T.  P.  O'CONNOR  was  understood 
to  say  that  never  in  the  whole  course 
of  his  picturesque  and  adventurous 
career  had  he  been  at  a  meeting  mono 
remarkable  for  Ihe  genius  and  beauty 
of  those  present. 

Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW  taid  that  he 
was  a  Eustace  Milesian  and  a  tee- 
totaler, but  he  was  no  bigot.  Names 
never  corresponded  with  realities,  and 
so  long  as  they  sounded  well  that  was 
all  that  mattered.  Wineland  was  as 
good  a  name  for  John  Bull's  Other 
Island  as  Ireland;  but  he  must  say 
that  he  objected  to  be  referred  to  as 
the  most  brillant  of  living  Winishraen, 
which  would,  of  course,  be  his  fate  if 
the  change  were  made. 

The  meeting  was  then  broken  up 
with  shillelaghs. 


374 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  XCMEMLER  22,  1911. 


AMERICA    IN    LONDON. 

NKVEK  in  any  opera-house  at  home 
or    abroad   have   I   seen   a   crowd   so 
>tmnge  and  exotic  as  that  which  paced  j 
the   luxurious    foyers    of    Mr.    OSCAR 
HAMMERSTEIN'S  new  building   in  the 
.ils    of    the    first    performance,  j 
Among  the  New  Yorkers,  conspicuously  | 
responsive  to  the  loud  welcome  of  their ; 
illustrious  compatriot,  there  were  types  j 
to  which  the  epithets  of  BROWNING'S  | 
LippoLippi  might  well  be  applied :  they  | 
were  indeed  a  "  bowery  flowery  "  com-  j 
pany.     A  sprinkling  of  the  Old  Guard  : 
from  the  headquarters  of  Grand  Opera, 
with  whose  names  we  are  so  painfully 
familiar  in  the  columns  of  the  social 
press,  had  come  to  'sample  the  new 
enterprise  and  lent  to  this  remarkable 
gathering  an  atmosphere  of  hallowed 
tradition. 

Talking  of  atmosphere,  I  learn  from 
my  programme  that  "  the  air-heater  is 
capable  of  raising  the  temperature  40 
degrees."  I  can  quite  believe  that  on 
the  opening  night  the  capacities  of  the 
Americo-  Turkish  Bath  system  had 
been  tried  to  the  full,  for  I  was  well 
on  towards  the  shampoo  stage  by  the 
time  I  reached  my  place  in  the  Pit. 
No  such  name,  of  course,  was  given  to 
the  locality  where  my  comfortable  stall 
was  situated,  but  it  lay  far  back  under 
the  depressing  weight  of  the  first  tier 
of  boxes,  and  I  had  to  be  content  with 
such  waves  of  sound  as  chanced  to 
penetrate  its  remote  recesses. 

The  decoration  of  the  interior  seemed 
to  lack  severity.  The  unavoidable  ugli- 
ness of  the  bulging  box-fronts  was  not 
improved  by  the  restless  relief-work 
which  adorned  them,  or  by  the  super- 
fluity of  statues  on  attached  pedestals 
which  choked  the  intervals. 

Before  speaking  of  the  performance 
let  me  say  at  once  that  Mr.  HAMMEB- 
STEIS  was  pleased  with  his  audience. 
At  the  end  of  the  Third  Act  he  came 
before  the  curtain  and  made  a  speech 
to  the  following  effect :  "  I  thank  yon 
for  your  nattering  reception.  THere  it 
seemed  that  the  speaker  referred  to  his 
notes.]  All  I  wish  is  to  deserve  your 
respect,  your  friendship  and  vouf  ad- ' 
miration."  So,  you  see,  there  is  no 
question  of  money  at  alL  And  this 
bears  out  the  statement  of  my  pro- 
gramme  which  refers  to  Mr.  HASUCEB-  ' 
STEIN'S  "abstinence  from  connecting 
art  with  commerciahsm  "  as  one  of  the 
"factors  which  are  bound  to  brin" 


that  was  largely  negative.  Very  little 
chance  was  given  for  star- work  in  a 
scheme  where  no  one  was  of  exceptional 
importance,  unless  perhaps  it  was  Sf. 
Peter  (Mr.  FRANCIS  COMBE),  who  for 
the  best  part  of  a  whole  scene  had  his 
audience,  both  on  and  off  the  stage,  all 
to  himself.  The  honours  of  the  evening 
went  to  the  stage-manager,  M.  JACQUES 
COINI,  and  the  scene-painter,  M.  PAUL 
PAQUEBEAU.  Nothing  more  clever  could 
ba  devised  than  the  scene  on  the  banks 
of  the  Tiber,  with  its  bridge  going  away 
in  very  difficult  perspective;  and  the 
representation  of  the  interior  of  the 
Coliseum  was  of  an  amazing  brilliancy. 
The  crowd,  too,  was  more  intelligent 
and  versatile  than  anv  I  have  ever  met 
outside  the  walls  of  His  Majesty's 


n 

opera  ise— uo  Fodw?— was 

y  spectacular       Except    in  the 

5    IK  -n°t^!   P^ 

occurred    the  muse,  both  vocal  and 


i:K.  OSCAR   HAMJ1EBSTEIX. 
"  It '»  TOUT  admiration  I  want." 

Theatre,  and  should  be  a  lesson  to  the 
stuffy  and  stereotyped  supers  of  Covent 
Garden.  The  attitudes  as  well  as  the 
singing  of  the  Christians  m  the  scene 
where  St.  Peter  enters  their  prison  to 
console  and  inspire  them  showed  extra- 
ordinary sympathy  and  understanding. 
And  in  the  Coliseum,  where  the  spec- 
tators rush  on  to  attack  Xero  and  are 
met  by  the  armed  Praetorian  Guard, 
the  rough-and-tumble  which  ensued 
was  absolutely  terrifying  in  its  realism. 
SIENKIKWICZ'S  novel,  which  I  have 
not  had  the  advantage  of  reading,  is  of 
course  too  long  and  intricate  for  con- 
nected reproduction  in  operatic  form. 
Even  so,  a  more  logical  sequence  might 

scenes.  Thus,  the  affair  of  Eunice 
and  Petronius,  to  which  a  lot  of  un- 
necessary attention  is  drawn  in  the 
First  Act,  was  completely 

4.1 «_          M\  ••  *  j£ 


and  only  resumed  about  li.30,  after  I 
had  withdrawn  from  the  various  seats, 
in  box  and  stall,  placed  at  my  disposal 
by  hospitable  friends.  The  argument 
supplied  in  the  programme  was  also  of 
the  spasmodic  kind.  Thus : — "  Poppaea, 
wife  of  Nero,  taxes  Petronius  with 
having  brought  another  woman  to  the 
side  of  Nero  [this  was  the  first  we  had 
heard  of  this  episode] .  He  protests. 
Nero's  guests  enter  and  hail  Poppsea. 
Vinicius  and  Lygie  are  left  alone  in  the 
garden." 

The  chief  thread  that  held  together 
the  looseness  of  the  plot  was  the  minor 
part  played,  and  very  well  played,  by 
••  Mr."  FIGAHELLA,  as  Chilo,  a  sorcerer 
who  described  himself  correctly  enough 
as  "  un  philosophe  incompris."  He 
does  the  dirty  work  of  the  play  and 
gets  killed  in  the  arena  for  his  pains. 
I  would  sooner  have  seen  the  killing 
of  Croton  by  Ursus,  for  they  were  both 
heavy-weights,  whereas  the  feather- 
weight Chilo  was  no  match  for  a  couple 
of  large  Praetorians.  But  this  was  done 
off.  So,  too,  was  the  episode  in  which 
L'rsus  breaks  the  neck  of  the  bull,  the 
Litter  hampered  by  having  Lygie  bound 
to  his  horns.  Ton  might  naturally 
wonder  how  a  turn  like  this,  performed 
in  the  open  arena,  could  escape  the 
eyes  of  the  audience.  But  Mr.  HAMMER- 
STEIX'S  Coliseum,  noble  and  practicable 
though  it  may  be,  is  not  the  thing  that 
we  all  know  so  well  in  Rome.  It 
\vas  shaped  more  like  the  Metropolitan 
Inner  Circle,  with  spectators  on  both 
platforms.  The  killing  of  Chilo  was 
done  before  our  eyes  at  High  Street, 
Kensington,  as  it  were ;  but  the  bull's 
neck  was  fractured  round  the  corner  at 
Gloucester  Road,  so  to  speak.  Another 
improvement  on  tradition  occurred  in 
the  scene  of  the  burning  of  Rome  (a 
very  subtly-contrived  effect  to  which 
I  venture  to  invite  the  attention  of  Mr. 
ARTHUR  COLLINS).  The  schoolboy  is 
always  given  to  understand  that  NERO 
marked  this  historic  occasion  by  a  solo 
on  the  fiddle.  Mr.  HAMXIERSTEIN  has 
corrected  that  error.  His  Xero  did  not 
fiddle;  he  lyred. 

It  is  futile  to  prophesy  about  the 
ultimate  success  of  the  London  Opera 
House.  One  is,  of  course,  predisposed 
to  welcome  any  competition  that 
threatens  to  arouse  the  Syndicate  at 
Covent  Garden  from  the  contented 
indifference  of  the  monopolist ;  but  un- 
less we  are  to  have  a  State-subsidised 
Opera  at  reasonable  prices  (and  Mr. 
HAMMERSTEIN'S  intervention  does  not 
encourage  that  prospect)  there  would 
not  seem  to  be  room  in  London  for  two 
enterprises  devoted  to  "Grand  "  Opera 
(appalling  epithet)  Mr.  THOMAS 
BEECHAM  bas  shown  tnat  there  is  a 
sufficient  demand  for  Light  Opera,  but 


22. ,1911.] !   ^PTJNCH,   OH   TIIK   LONDOM   CHARIVAKI 


the  Kingsway  edifice  is  on  too  gigantic 
i  a  scale  for  so  modest  a  purpose,  and 
our  new  impresario  insists  on  the 
grandeur  of  his  undertaking.  "  Grand 
Opera,"  says  my  programme,  on  a  note 
of  authority,  "  can  only  succeed  when 
it  is  presented  •  Grand '  in  every  detail." 
Away,  however,  with  those  pessi- 
mists who  hazard  the  conjecture  that 
within  a  couple  of  years  the  London 
Opera  House  will  have  been  turned 
into  a  glorified  "Coliseum," — seeming 
to  detect  a  sinister  omen  of  this  con- 
version in  the  presentation,  on  the  open- 
ing night,  of  the  ancient  gladiatorial 
arena  which  bore  that  name.  It  is  suffi- 
cient at  present  that  Mr.  HAMMERSTEIN, 
if  I  dare  attach  so  frivolous  a  phrase 
to  motives  confessedly  so  lofty,  has 
done  a  sporting  thing.  O.  S. 

OUR    ACTIVE  ADMINISTRATORS. 

A  DIARY  OF  DEPARTMENTAL  DEVOTION. 
November  11. — The  FIRST  LORD  OF 
THE  ADMIRALTY  embarks  at  Portsmouth 
in  a  destroyer  for  a  two-hours'  run. 

November  13. — Mr.  PEASE,  the  Presi- 
dent of  the  Board  of  Education,  devotes 
himself  to  the  study  of  the  Binomial 
Theorem  and  takes  lessons  from  an 
elementary  school-master  in  parsing, 
reading  music  at  sight,  and  the  use  of 
the  globes.  Enthusiasm  of  Sir  ROBERT 
MORANT,  who  issues  a  confidential  cir- 
cular to  all  inspectors  on  the  inadequacy 
of  a  university  education. 

November  14. — Mr.  McKENNA,  ac- 
companied by  Sir  MELVILLE  MAC- 
NAGHTEN,  arrives  at  Scotland  Yard 
this  morning,  and  after  the  necessary 
changes  in  his  toilet  goes  for  a  trial 
run  in  the  new  motor  Black  Maria  Do. 
This  splendid  vehicle  is  the  largest 
employed  by  the  police  and  is  the 
only  one  of  her  class,  her  wheel-base 
measuring  24  feet  and  her  horse-power 
being  estimated  at  75-90.  On  return- 
ing from  his  run  Mr.  McKENNA  ex- 
presses cordial  satisfaction  with  the 
vehicle,  saying  wittily  that  "  Maria  was 
not  so  black  as  she  was  painted." 
Scotland  Yard  dissolved  in  Homeric 
laughter. 

November  15. — Mr.  RUNCIMAN,  the 
new  President  of  the  Board  of  Agri- 
culture, enters  to-day  on  his  interesting 
experiment  of  living  for  a  week  exclu- 
sively on  turnips  and  carrots  supplied 
by  the  Gladstone  League,  and  devoting 
one  hour  every  day  to  scaring  rooks. 

November  16. — Mr.  C.  E.  HOBHOUSE, 
the  Chancellor  of  the  Duchy  of  Lan- 
caster, descends  in  a  parachute  from 


Kfpvi1er(i<t<(tu1inyfu3liiu»iMemfltliiig).   "CAS  Yof 
I'rryrr.   "I'M  AFRAID  XOT,  SIR— THE  s«jrA.sH." 


nxn  ME  A  >Evr!— TM«  Puss." 


a  captive  balloon  at  Blackpool,   amid 
scenes  of  unexampled  enthusiasm. 

November  17.  —  Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL,  accompanied  by  the  Board 
of  Admiralty,  proceeds  to  Portsmouth, 


and  having  been  carefully  packed   in[     Noctmber  20. —  Mr.  McKuNXA  pays  a 
:otton-wool  is  discharged  from  a  torpedo  surprise  visit  to  Holloway  Gaol,  takes 

courtyard    with   the 
off  bread  and  skilly, 


tube  and  picked  up  by  a  hydroplane  in  exercise    in    the 

the  Solent.     Mr.  CHURCHILL,  who  ex-  inmates,  lunches 

presses  himself  as  delighted  with  the  and  spends  an  hour  in  the  padded  cell. 

experience,  rides  back  to  London,  like  a '     November  21. — Mr.   PBJLSK   gives  a 


true  sailor  on  shore,  on  a  hired  horse,     j  lesson  in  polo  at 
November  18. — Mr.  PEASE,  entering; junior    pupils    of 


Ilurlingham  to  the 
the     NVorpole-road 


incog,  for  an  examination  in  arithmetic  {  \Vesleyan  School, 
at  a  provided  school  in  Bermondsey,  is  I  November  22. — The  FIBST  LOBO  or 
ignominiously  ploughed.  Consternation ,  THE  ADMIRALTY  enters  for  a  yacht  race 
of  Sir  ROBERT  MORANT,  who  issues  a  on  the  Round  Pound  and  in  the  evening 
confidential  circular  to  all  primary  recites  "  Admirals  All "  at  a  concert 
schoolmasters,  advising  them  to  avoid  in  aid  of  the  training  ship  Mercury. 
over-pressure.  H«s  a  round  of  grog  before  turning  in. 


PUNCH,   OK  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.          [NOVEMBER  22,  1911. 


The  Vicar  (ending  speech}.  "AND  so  WE  HAVE  DECIDED  TO  PRESENT  MR.  SMITH  WITH  AN  HONORARIUM  ON  ins  DEPARTURE." 
Villager.  "I  OBJEC' !     WHAT  I  SAYS  is    GIVE  'IM  SOMETHING  USEFUL.      WHY!    WE  DON'T  EVEN  KNOW  WHETHER  HE  CAN  PLAY 

TH«  THING." 


HIT   OR   MISS. 

I  'M  off,  Sir,  off  on  my  way  to  Kent ; 

To  sho  't  the  pheasant  is  my  intent. 

When  most  of  the  leaves  are  off  it 's  pleasant — 

You  know  it  yourself — to  shoot  the  pheasant ; 

So  imagine  me  setting  out  from  here 

With  a:l  my  luggage  and  shooting  gear. 

I  've  packed  (and  so  has  my  man)  with  care, 

And  all  I  can  ever  want  is  there  ; 

All  the  manifold  apparatus 

That  makes  the  porters  at  stations  hate  us : 

Parcels,  boxes  and  bags  and  cases 

To  bring  the  sweat  to  their  purple  faces. 

And  yet  I  know  when  the  train  has  glided 

Out  of  the  station  with  me  inside  it ; 

When  I  run  through  my  list  of  things  again 

There  will  come  a  panic,  a  shock,  a  pai 

To  strike  me  awake  and  so  remind  me 

Of  the  things  I  need,  but  have  left  behind  me. 

But  still  I  'm  off  by  the  3.18 

With  my  cartridge-bags  and  my  magazine 

(A  servant-daunter,  a  true  man-fagger 

That  '11  make  the  most  muscular  footman  stagger), 

And  a  pair  of  guns  of  a  tidy  kind, 

And  a  shooting  stick,  and  a  hopeful  mind. 

Now,  whatever  the  noble  pheasant  is, 

He  isn't  a  fool ;  he  knows  his  biz. 

If  you  or  I  were  as  good  as  he 

They  'd  pay  us  to  go  to  Tripoli 

To  teach  the  fellows  who  man  the  works 

To  dodge  the  lead  of  the  righting  Turks. 


He  sometimes  tries,  as  I  try  in  rhyme, 
To  strike  the  stars  with  his  head  sublime; 
And,  lo,  when  you  meet  him  next,  he  swetves, 
Like  a  mathematician  describing  curves ; 
And  whenever  he  does  you  may  be  sure 
His  curves  have  a  double  curvature. 

And  next,  to  harass  your  mind  with  doubt, 
He  takes  to  his  wings  and  he  flies  straight  out ; 
For  the  top  of  your  head  he  seems  to  go 
In  the  line  of  a  bee  when  a  bee  flies  low. 
You  give  it  him  twice  to  save  your  head, 
And  you  come  to  yourself — but  he  isn't  dead. 

So  far  I  have  mentioned  the  bird  as  "  him  "  ; 
But  everyone  knows  that  the  hen 's  as  slim. 
She  isn't  so  shot  with  green  and  blue, 
And  she  seems  to  refuse  to  be  shot  by  you. 
You  may  shoot  with  all  that  you  most  prefer 
In  powder  and  shot,  but  you  can't  hit  her. 

But  sometimes — oh,  it 's  a  blessed  day  ! — 
Your  heart  is  light  and  your  spirits  gay ; 
There  isn't  a  brow  that 's  less  in  frown, 
For  the  birds  get  up  and  you  pull  them  down. 
Eich  (and  rare)  is  the  bliss  you  win 
When  your  eye,  which  nobody  wipes,  is  in. 

So  my  traps  are  packed  and  I  'm  off  to  Kent ; 

To  shoot  the  pheasant  is  my  intent. 

You  '11  stick  to  your  desk,  like  a  mortared  brick, 

While  I  am  stuck  to  my  shooting  stick ; 

But,  whatever  my  luck  with  the  birds  may  be, 

I  venture  to  hope  that  you  '11  miss  me. 


THE  NEW  DIPLOMACY. 

ADVANCED  DEMOCRAT  (to  Foreign  Secretary).  "  LOOK  HERE,  WE  'VE  DECIDED  THAT  THIS 
ISN'T  TO  BE  A  PRIVATE  ROOM  ANY  MORE;  AND  YOU'RE  TO  PUT  YOUR  CARDS  ON 
THE  TABLE  AND  THEN  WE  CAN  ALL  TAKE  A  HAND." 

FOBEIGN  SECRETARY.  "  WHAT,    AND    LET    MY    OPPONENTS    SEE    THEM    TOO?" 


NOVUMHEII 


1911.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


ESSENCE  OF  PARLIAMENT. 

KXTI:A<-IKI>  KIKIM  TIIK  DIAIJV  OK  Tor.v.  M.r. 
House  of  Commons,  M<ni<lni/,  Xovcm- 
her  13. — It  is  not  solely  on  the   race- 
course that  an  outsider  wins.     Case  of 

BONAR  LAW  elected  to  Leadership  of 
Opposition  brings  parallel  with  singu- 
lar closeness  home  to  Westminster. 
There  were  three  probable  starters, 
BON  Ait  LAW  with  characteristic  modesty 
standing  last  in  the  betting.  A  few 
close  students  of  Parliamentary  form  re- 
cognised his  supremacy,  but  were  not 
bold  enough  to  anticipate  that  it  would 
triumph  over  certain  disabilities.  For 
eleven  years  he  has  sat  in  Parliament 
commanding  attention  of  House  when- 
ever he  took  part  in  debate.  Had  he 
been  nephew  of  a  Duke  or  cousin  once 
removed  of  a  Viscount  he  would  at 
least  have  been  made  Chancellor  of  the 
Exchequer  when  the  post  fell  vacant 
on  break-up  of  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  first 
Administration  consequent  on  explo- 
sion of  DON  JOSE'S  Protection  bomb. 
As  it  was,  being  something  in  the  iron 
business  in  Glasgow,  he  had  an  Under- 
Secretaryship  tossed  him,  a  concession 
extorted  by  sheer  capacity. 

That  for  the  last  six  years  he  ranked 
on  the  Front  Opposition  Bench 
second  only  to  Prince  ARTHUR,  is  a 
circumstance  that  has  upon  more  than 
one  occasion  been  insisted  upon  by 
that  impartial,  impeccable  judge,  the 
MEMBER  FOR  SARK.  For  himself  he 
made  no  moan,  patiently  looking  on, 
probably  hoping  for  better  things  some 
day;  certainly  not  dreaming  of  the 
prize  which  by  strange  chance  has 
fallen  into  his  hands.  Meanwhile,  to 
his  added  credit,  be  it  remembered  that 
he  remained  faithful  to  the  Chief  to 
whom  he  was  indebted  for  opportunity 


"ills  BLUSHING   HOXOUKS  THICK   lTo\   HIM. 
(Tlic  new  LEADER  OF  THE  OniixmoN  Iwnds  meekly  before  a  lpni|>cstuoiu  «•  |.-.mi  •.) 


to  place  his  foot  howsoever  low  down 
on  the  ladder  of  fortune. 

To  the  country  at  largo  he  is  a  dark 
horse.  In  the  House  of  Commons  he 
is  recognised  as  one  of  its  most  power- 
ful debaters.  Speaking  chiefly  on 
questions  relating  to  Tariff  Reform  he 
has  occasionally  fallen  into  the 
acerbity  of  manner  and  acrimony  of 
tone  common  to  that  controversy. 
These  are  not  habits  indigenous  to  his 
nature,  and  will  not  re-appear  in  the 
lofty  station  to  which  it  has  pleased  a 
curious  concatenation  of  circumstance 
to  call  him. 

He  may  not  be  expected  to  climb 
to  Olympian  height  on  which  the 


writing  l>efore  ruling  on  question  it 
raised)  by  permanent  officials  in  the 
Scottish Oflice.it  is  welltohavein  Ilo.ise 
of  Commons  a  retired  warrior  of  the 
breadth  of  view  of  COLONKI,  YATK.  Like 
Ben  Battle,  who,  buying  "lost  bis  I  ^ 
in  Badajos'  breaches,"  completed  dislo- 
cation by  "  laying  down  hig  arm*.  ' 
the  gallant  Colonel  is  on  retired  1.*'. 
This  gives  opportunity  for  fixing  bis 
eye  on  Foreign  Oflico  and  keeping 
EDWARD  GREY  up  to  mark.  In  line 


LEADERS  OF  FAfiHIOX. 
The  latest  thing  iu  winter  hats  for  Stoke-on- 


Tivnt. 


(Mr.  JOHN  WADD.) 


Lost  Leader  stood.  He  will  more 
probably  follow  on  the  lines  laid 
down  for  his  own  guidance  by  \V.  H. 
SMITH,  also  a  business  man  hurriedly 
brought  in  at  a  moment  of  peril  to  save 
the  Conservative  Party  from  destruc- 
tion. And  "Old  Morality"  turned  out  to 
be  one  of  the  most  successful  Leaders 
known  to  the  House  of  Commons. 

Business  done. — Insurance  Bill  again. 

Tuesday. — At  a  time  when,  as  Mr. 
PIRIE  complains,  the  country  is  being 
anti-democratised  (the  wary  SI-BAKER 


form    to-day,  having  no  fewer  than  ten 
questions  on  the  paper.  True,  they  \MTI- 
numbered  only  live.     But  by  sir. 
use  of  "and  whether"  he  was  able  to 
double  them.      Also  it   must   be  ad- 
mitted he  actually  had  hi   hand  only 
two  subjects, — to  wit  the  insecurity  of 
roads    iu    Persia    and    the    saf< •• 
Maltese  British  subjects  at  Banghu/i. 

But  the  Colonel  did  not  march  to 
Kbandahar  for  nothing,  nor  was  ho  at 
the  bottom  of  the  I'tndjeh  Incident 
without  bringing  home  experience  valu- 
able when  bombarding  Treasury  I'-ench. 
Instead  of  packing  his  questions  in 
two  parcels  and  handing  them  in  at 
door  of  Foreign  Office,  he  takes  por- 
tions of  his  allegations,  makes  them 


(lit  Li'VldllUvl  C*L<loUV4       I  U1JW        «  «*«•  J       ""^*  «**»«! 

said  he  would  like  to  see  the  word  in  I  up,  so  to  speak,  in  form  of  pills,  and 


380 


OR   THE   LOXUON   CHARIVARI.  [KQVKMBKU  22,  1911. 


A  SCRAP  WITH  THE   "WHOLLY  M.HAGHUIRES."  ' 
'  WILLIAM  O'BRIEN  and  TIM  HEALY  have  a  little  scrimmage  with  the  Eedmonditcs." 


administers  them  one  at  a  time 
to  the  FOREIGN  SECRETARY.  When, 
having  answered  Question  15  on 
the  paper,  that  hapless  Minister  thinks 
he  has  finished  with  the  Maltese 
residents  at  Banghazi,  the  wily  warrior 
comes  up  on  his  flank  with  Question 
16,  repeating  the  enquiry  with  the 
added  information  that  "eight  were 
killed  and  several  wounded  during  the 
bombardment ;  and  whether  he  can 
give  any  information  on  the  subject." 

As  for  the  roads  in  Southern  Persia, 
they,  extending  over  hundreds  of  miles, 
afford  the  COLONEL  full  scope  for  "  and 
whether."  A  lesser  man  really  anxious 
for  information  would  have  put  his 
query  in  a  sentence  of  twenty  words. 
The  Colonel  appropriates  Numbers  6, 
7  and  8  on  the  Question  paper  requir- 
ing three  separate  answers  from  the 
Minister. 

This  seems  to  involve  waste  of 
public  time,  both  at  Foreign  Office 
and  in  the  House.  But  the  Colonel's 
delight  in  the  performance  is  so 
keen,  not  to  say  so  gurgling,  that 
only  the  most  churlish  would  deny 
him. 

Business  Done. — Getting  on  slowly 
but  surely  with  Insurance  Bill  in  Com- 
mittee. On  Clause  59,  now  in  hand, 
touch  fringe  of  Home  Eule  question. 
England,  Ireland  and  Scotland  severally 


to  have  charge  of  particular  section 
when    administering    the    Act.     Thi 
brings   wigs   on    green    below    Gang- 
way.      WILLIAM    O'BRIEN    and    TIM 
HEALY  have  a  little  scrimmage  with 
the  Redmonites,  who  sharply  counter, 
How    different    fraternal    attitude    o: 
Scotch    Members !      HENRY    DALZIEL 
having   made    a  suggestion,    EUGENE 
WASON,    raising  his   vast    bulk    from 
corner  seat  above  Gangway,  said   he 
"  would  be  glad  to  find  himself  in  the 
same  boat  with  his  Honourable  Friend.' 
DALZIEL  not  so  enthusiastic  in  reception 
of  proposal  as  might  have  been  expected 
SABK  says  he  was  thinking  that  before 
he  embarked  he  would  like  to  know  th 
tonnage  of  the  boat. 

Friday. — BOWL  AND  HUNT  sits  in 
accustomed  place  behind  Front  Opposi 
tion  Bench  in  state  of  deepest  gloom 
His  Parliamentary  fame  was  made  b 
a  chance,  irrelevant  yet  eloquent 
allusion  to  BOADICEA,  whose  statue 
recently  been  erected  on  Westminste 
Bridge.  Actually  he  has  much  mor 
important  claim  to  distinction.  Al 
very  well  for  the  Die-Hards  and  thei 
offspring,  the  Halsbury  Club,  to  boas 
that  they  got  rid  of  PRINCE  ARTHUR 
It  was  EOWLAND  HUNT  who  first  raisec 
the  standard  of  revolt,  soundly  lectur 
ing  his  esteemed  Leader  in  hearing  o 
amused  House. 


PRINCK  AKTHUH,  at  the  time  not 
cclimatized  to  that  sort  of  thing, 
egarded  the  episode  rather  angrily. 
Consequence  was  the  Party  whip  was 
vithheld  from  EOWLAND,  who,  in  re- 
ponse,  gave  them  an  Oliver  in  the 
assertion  that  he  thought  he  could  live 
vithout  it.  As  a  matter  of  fact  the 
isagreement  was  patched  up  and  he 
oceived  his  whip  as  before. 

Nothing    can   deprive    him    of    the 
iistinction    of    being    pioneer    in   the 
movement  which  last  year  WILLOUGHBY 
DE  BKOKE  took   in   hand.     And  now, 
vhen  there  arises  necessity  of   filling 
jp   the  gap,  no  one   even   mentioned 
ROWLAND    HUNT'S    name    in   the    list 
f  candidates. 

"  Always  remember  what  BOADICEA 
•emarked  in  analogous  circumstances," 
aid  EOWLAND,  with  suspicion  of  a  sob 
n  his  voice : 

"  Sio  vos  non  vobis  mellificatis  apes  ; 
Sio  vos  uon  vobis  vcllora  i'ertis  ovcs. " 

"  Never  mind,  old  man,"  said  SARK, 
no  one  can  deprive  you  of  your 
jrecedence.  Did  you  ever  notice,  by 
;he  way,  that  whilst  these  Die-Hards 
noisily  shouted  their  determination  to 
,erminate  their  existence  in  the  last 
ditch,  the  only  man  who  is  killed  is 
PRINCE  ARTHUR?" 

"  There 's  another  corpse,"  said  EOW- 
LAND HUNT,  in  hollow  tone  well  cal- 
culated to  make  the  fleah  creep. 

"Where  is  it?"  asked  SAHK,  un- 
consciously sniffing  round. 

"  It  was  the  Unionist  Party,"  replied 
EOWLAND,  moodily  gazing  at  the  back 
of  the  meek  head  of  the  new  Leader 
seated  below  him  in  PRINCE  ARTHUR'S 
familiar  place. 

Business  done. — Scotch  Small  Land- 
owners again  take  the  floor.  Do  sword 
dance  round  flustered  figure  of  LORD 
ADVOCATE. 


BOADICEA  SUPPLANTED. 
"Moodily  gazing  at  the  back  of  the  meek 
head  of  the  new  Leader." 

(Mr.  EOWLAND  HUNT.) 


'"*™,  oi:  TIIK   LONDON 


The  Ship's  fork  Ctmnuisscur.   "1904  ACAIX  !     Nor  A  BAH  YKAI:.   BUI   \VK  .v«re«  <;Kr  1900  Mm." 


JUST  NOT  JULY. 

[A  poetic  hallucination  induced  by  the  lirst 
vivid  accounts  of  Antipodean   cricket  in   the 
i   ICvcuing  Press.] 

TELL  me  not  that  dull  November 

Hides  the  distant  viesv  with  fog ; 
Ask  not  Jane  to  poke  the  ember ; 

Down  the  rides  no  huntsmen  jog ; 
Hoses  gleam  on  yonder  thicket, 

All  the  glade  is  loud  with  bees, 
Heard  ye  not  the  lunch-time  cricket 
Crying  "  WAKNER  at  the  wicket  ' 

In  its  rare  old  journalese  ? 

Must  I  have  hot  chestnuts  foisted 

On  me  as  I  pace  the  street, 
When  the  centuries  are  hoisted 

And  loud  cheers  their  coming  greet  ? 
Fetch  me  ice.     We  pant  like  niggers  ; 

Phoebus  scorches  up  the  slopes  ; 
GUNN,  despite  the  bowling's  rigours, 
Gets  the  coveted  three  figures 

With  an  on  drive  to  the  ropes ! 

WOOLLEY  opens  with  a  single, 
Followed  by  a  sparkling  four; 

Shall  I  crouch  beside  the  ingle, 
Listening  to  the  oak-log's  roar, 

When  I  hear  how  bowler's  toss  'em 
Up,  or  sling  'em  down  like  fun 


In  the  land  of  the  opossum  ? 
No,  I  say,  the  roses  blossom  ; 
Larks  are  rising  to  the  sun. 

Yes,  my  sweet-mouthed  evening  paper. 

I  can  hear  the  cushat's  note  ; 
Gone  the  dank-  autumnal  vapour; 

I  can  cast  my  overcoat  ; 
Calendars  with  truth  have  paltered, 

Almanacs  with  lying  lips 
Told  me  that  the  sun  had  faltered  ;  — 
With  the  total  still  unaltered 

BARNES  is  captured  in  the  slips. 

One  thing  only,  news-controller, 

Bids  me  check  the  loud  hurrah  — 
What  about  tlic  hear;/  roller  ' 

Was  that  requisitioned  ?     All  ! 
Had  you  told  me  that,  all  Tooting 

Should  have  seen  me,  as  I  read, 
To  the  gay-robed  Dryads  fluting, 
!n  my  lightest  summer  suiting, 

With  a  straw-hat  on  my  head. 


'Till'      ancient       celclllOliy      of     Liking     WHitll 

liver  for  the  Karl  uf  Dalkeith  was  ol.s.  TVII! 
>n  Saturday.  .  .  .  ThcMiiall  soiiscol|ccti>d 
nun  twenty-seven  parishes  won-  placed  in  u 
ollou  slnlic/'  —  £{••  tiiity  SfrlM/onf. 

\s   a    Suffragist    said   on    a    notable 
occasion  —  Is  this  Russia? 


TINDISPOSITION. 

I  We  cuniint  claim  ori^'ality  fur  the  al«n< 
jut  tffsjirit.     It  wo*  a  contemporary  who  gt\ 
In  an  article  on  the  Mine  ilii-mc  -the  dis. 
thttt   tin   can   catch    cold     the    l.iilli.int    till. 
Tinfluen/a.  ] 

Owixatosevere  catarrh  MIM.  Browne- 
Windsor's  kettle  has  had  to  cancel  all 
public  engagement-;,  nixl  slio  regrets 
that  she  will  therefore  be  unable  to 
receive  her  friends  to-morrow  after- 
noon. 


Mr.  T.  P.  Billsun  In-gs  to  state  that 
owing  to  his  tin  of  shaving-soap  having 
aught  a  I  MI  I  chill  he  will  not  be  able 
to  present  himself  at  the  office  this 
::iorning.  _ 

Mrs.  Willougbby  de  Sim  the  present* 
her  compliments  to  the  Grocery  Stores 
and  begs  to  return  the  sardines  sent,  as 
they  are  not  at  all  well.  The  indis- 
position (apparently  influenza)  was 
obviously  contracted  by  association 
with  the  tin  in  whose  care  they 
travelled.  She  hopes  that  in  future 
the  Stores  will  take  care  to  engage 
only  really  tobust  tins  for  this  purpose, 


382 


PUNCH,   OK  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.          [NOVEMBER  22,  1911. 


THE 


IN 


THE 


VEKY  DICKENS 
FEANCE. 

sudden    passion   displayed   by 


Paris  playgoers  for  dramatised  versions 
of  DICKENS'  novels  would  be  more 
gratifying  to  us  if  the  dramatists  had 
left  well  alone.  But  when  a  version  of 
David  Copperfield  turns  Mr.  Micawber 
into  a  schoolmaster  of  the  type  of 
Squeers  and  introduces  Fagin's  thieves'- 
kitchen  we  are  "divided  between  ad- 
miration of  such  ingenuity  and  grief 
that  the  real  thing  should  be  avoided. 
Forthcoming  productions  on  similar 


AT    THE    PLAY. 

"THE  GLAD  EYE." 
The  Glad  Eye  is  undeniably  funny. 
When  Gaston  Bocard,  hiding  from  his 
wife  in  the  gallery  of  the  library, 
peers  down  to  see  what  is  going  on 
below,  and  gets  his  head  stuck  between 
the  rails,  it  is  impossible  not  to  laugh — 
particularly  as  Gaston  is  played  by  Mr. 


LAURENCE 
too,    as    we 


GHOSSMITH  ; 
had    only 


particularly, 
just    finished 


laughing  at  the  scene  previous  to  this — 
in  which  Galipaux,  the  spiritualist,  had 
prepared  to  ascend  to  the  gallery  to 
fetch  a  certain";,  book,  and  >  Gaston, 
with  the  one  idea  of  preventing  the 


lines  will  be  devoted  to  Oliver  Tivist 
and  Martin  Chuzzlewit. 

In  the  French  version  of  Oliver 
Twist,  Mr.  Bumble  is  not  only  a 
workhouse  official,  but  in  his  spare 
time  the  affable  arid  humorous 
driver  of  a  stage  coach,  with  a 
rooted  dislike  of  widows.  Fagin 
remains,  but  a  scene  has  been 
written  in  for  him  from  the 
Merchant  of  Venice,  the  French 
translator  'apparently'  believing 
that  DICKENS  also  wrote  Shak- 
speare,  and  he  asks  in  eloquent 
tones:  "Hath  not  a  Jew  eyes?" 
to  which  Bill  Sykes  replies,  in 
thieves'  argot,  "Ay,  and  hooks." 
Nancy  takes  a  prominent  part,  but 
spends  a  great  deal  of  time  in  the 
company  of  Mr.  Brownlow,  who 
has  become  a  confirmed  gambler, 
and  together  they  wander  from  fail- 
to  fair.  As  for  Oliver  Twist,  he 
has  not  been  tampered  with,  except 
that  he  is  very  fat  and  is  always 
going  to  sleep. 

In  Martin  Chuzzlewit,  Mr. 
Pecksniff  is  th e  principal  ch aracter, 
but  to  increase  the  interest  of  the 
part  he  is  not  only  an  architect 
but  a  miser  with  a  late  partner 
named  Marley,  who  appears  to 
him  as  a  ghost  whenever  he  has 
done  anything  peculiarly  base.  Mrs.  '•  discovery  that  now  seemed  imminent, 
Gamp,  the  other  prominent  figure,  not  had  snatched  the  book  from  its  shelf 
only  sues  him  for  breach  of  promise  and  dropped  it  into  the  room.  Per- 
but  forces  his  architectural  pupils  to 
eat  brimstone  -  and  -  treacle.  Peck- 
sniff's two  daughters  wear  harem 


one  needs  to  be  either  very  innocent 
or  very  blase  to  get  through  an  evening 
at  the  Globe  without  a  qualm. 

But  still,  funny.  Funny  without  a 
doubt,  and  most  ingenious.  We 
laughed  incessantly  throughout  the 
evening.  Mr.  LAURENCE  GROSSMITH 
was  perfectly  delightful  as  Gaston ; 
good  as  many  of  the  other  players  are, 
it  is  Mr.  GROSSMITH  who  makes  the 
play.  But  it  is  all  very  funny  .  .  .  . 
and  oh,  so  unlovely. 


M. 


THE  GLAD  EYE  AT  WORK. 

Kiki Miss  ETHEL  DANE. 

Galipaux        Mr.  E.  DAGNALL. 


skirts  and  are  both  engaged  in  Mr. 
Mantalini's  dressmaking  business, 
where  they  meet  not  only  Jonas 
Chuzzlewit  and  John  Westicood,  but 
Sir  Mulberry  Haivk,  Barnaby  Budge 
and  Sydney  Carton.  The  comic  scenes 


haps  you  wonder  how  after  this  Gaston 
could  have  remained  undiscovered. 
He  hardly  had  time  to  wonder  himself, 
for  to  his  great  surprise  Galipaux  re- 
garded the  falling  of  the  book 'as  a 
psychic  manifestation,  and  stood  there 
willing  more  books  to  come  down. 

Undeniably    funny,   then,   and    un- 
deniably ingenious  is  The  Glad  Eye; 


are  provided  by  young  Bailey,  as  in  the  j  and  also  undeniably  vulgar.  The 
book,  but  he  is  always  accompanied  |  stuffy  atmosphere  of  the  French  farce 
by  the  Marchioness.  The  adaptation  :  hangs  over  it  all.  Husbands  who 


otherwise,  we  are  glad  to  say,  takes  no 
liberties  with  the  original. 

"The  average  speed  was  no  less  than  1,100 
kilograrunjes.  "—Daily  Chronicle. 

Heavy  work. 


want  a  few  nights  in  Paris  away  from 
their  wives,  and  wives  who  can  be 
compensated  for  their  husbands'  un- 
faithfulness by  pretty  clothes ;  the  lover, 
the  elderly  philanderer,  the  girl  with 
the  glad  eye,  and  all  the  rest  of  it — 


PEOBLEMS  FOE  PLAYWBIGHTS. 
Now  that  an  academy  for  dramatists 
has  again  been  mooted,  and  in  view  of 
the  many  volumes  of  instruction 
•  in  the'.art  that  are  published,  we 
have  pleasure  in  anticipating  the 
following  examination  paper : — 

( 

A. — For  the  Classical  Side  only. 

1.  What  is  a  "  curtain  "  ;    and 
how  should  it  be  led  up  to  ? 

2.  What  is  the  legal  position  of 
the  hero  of  a  melodrama  who  is 
discovered    kneeling     beside     the 
corpse  of  a  total  stranger  ?     What 
facts  would  justify  the  governor  of 
the  convict  prison  in  subsequently 
permitting    him    unlimited    emo- 
tional interviews  with  tho  heroine  ? 

3.  What  (also  in  melodrama)  is 
the  meterological  influence   of    a 
financial    reverse    for    the    good 
characters  ?    Illustrate  by  the  con- 
duct of  snow-storms. 

4.  Explain  "  A  Cup  and  Saucer 
Comedy,"  "  A  Bedroom  Drama," 
"  An  artistic  rather  than  a  financial 
success  "  (one  woid  only). 

5.  What  do  you  understand  by 
"  the  sketch  limit  "  ?    If  a  one-act 
play  at  a  music-hall  can  rightly 
be  described  as  "the  limit,"  does 
this  ipso  facto  make  it  illegal  ? 

6.  (For   musical-comedy  candi- 
dates.)    Into  any  serious  scene  intro- 
duce, with  not  more  than  three  lines 
of  dialogue  as  warning,  an  extra  lyric 
beginning  "Mary  married  a  motor-man." 

B. — For  the  Modern  Side  only. 

1.  What  is  a  "  curtain  "  ;  and  how 
can  it  be  avoided  ? 

2.  Discuss,  with  reference  to  recent 
dramatic  history,  the  maxim  "  Words 
were  given  us  to  obscure  our  plots." 

3.  Why  should  realism  only  concern 
itself  with  the  lower  middle-class  ? 

4.  What  (if  anything)  do  you  under- 
stand by  "  the  fourth  wall "  ?    Consider 
a  proposal  that  the  proscenium  arch 
should  be  permanently  bricked  in. 

5.  Sketch  the  scenario  of  a  four-act 
play  on  the  Insurance  Bill. 

6.  "  A  Eepertory  play  is  one  that  is 
never  likely  to  be  repeated."   Why  not? 


THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


THE  SERVANT  STAMP. 

A  MISTRESS  OF  NINE. 
DEAR  SIR, — I  send  you  particulars  o 
my  own   case,   not   because    I    crav 
publicity— I  abhor  it — but  because 
believe   it  to  be    typical    of    tens    o 
thousands  of  middle-class  household 
throughout  the  land.     Our  means  ar 
moderate,  and  I  can  assure  Mr.  LLOYD 
GEOKGE  that  every  p:nny,  nay  ever' 
halfpenny,  of  my  weekly  bouse-keepinj 
allowance  is  carefully  allotted  in  ad 
vance  to  its  respective  purpose.     Well 
how  in  the  world  is  it  possible  for  m 
to  meet  this  new  and  exorbitant  tax 
2s.   3d.   may  not   seem  a  very   large 
amount — we    keep    nine    servants, 
should  explain — but  it  simply  mean 
that  we  must  go  without  some  of  the 
necessities  of  life. 

I  am,   Yours,  etc.,    DISTRACTED. 

ONE  WAY  OUT. 

DEAR  SIR, — It  means  ceaseless  in-! 
tation  and  weekly  conflict  within  the 
homo.  It  can't  mean  anything 
else.  It  means  bitter  hostility,  b\ 
the  very  fire-side,  between  mistresses 
and  servants  who  have  lived  togetbei 
on  terms  of  c'osest  intimacy  and  even 
friendship.  Cannot  anyone  with  the 
slightest  imagination  foresee  the  Satur- 
day morning  scene  when  Mr.  LLOYD 
GEORGE'S  precious  insurance  card  is 
baing  bandied  back  and  forth  from 
kitchen  to  drawing-room,  accompaniet 
by  the  defiant  message,  "  Stick  'em  on 
yourself  1  "  It  is  intolerable,  and  I  foi 
one  have  already  at  ranged  to  escape 
from  the  impost  by  going  to  live  in 
Tripoli. 

I  am,   Yours,  etc.,      INDIGNANT. 

SERVILE  AND  UNWHOLESOME. 

DEAR  SIR, — The  thing  may  be  neces- 
sary, but  need  it  be  made  degrading  ? 
If  it  were  only  a  question  of  dropping 
pennies  into  a  slot,  I  for  one  would 
raise  no  objection.  But  this  servile 
and  unwholesome  business  of  licking 
stamps — and  gum  never  did  agree 
with  me — will  unquestionably  cause  a 
revolt  among  the  maids  and  mistresses 
of  Britain.  I  keep  four  servants,  and  I 
may  as  well  admit  to  you  that  I  live  in 
daily  terror  of  them.  I  find  it  quite 
bad  enough  to  have  to  ask  them  to 
perform  the  ordinary  duties  of  the 
house.  But  I  can't  ask  them  to  do 
this.  I  simply  can't. 

I  am,  Yours,  etc.,  PANIC-STRICKEN. 

MISAPPREHENSION. 

DEAR  SIR, — For  my  part  I  think  the 
new  law  is  going  to  be  a  great  benefit 
to  poor  servant  girls  like  myself  who 
find  it  hard  enough  to  afford  postage. 
If  we  are  to  get  three-penny-worth  of 
stamps  a  week  from  the  mistress  there  '11 


"WHAT  YOU  GOT  TUEKK,  AUXTM!"  "Yot'R  LITTLE  nmni  i. .." 

"Oo,  HE  a  A  riKUEi:  ;    I  HAVF.N'F  GOT  ONE!" 


oe  a  many  more  letters  home,  and  a  good 
hingtoo.  I  am,  Yours, etc.,  GENERAL. 
[Our  Correspondent  does  not  seem 
uite  to  have  grasped  the  scope  of  the 
ill.— ED.]  . 

THE  BLUSH  OF  SHAME. 
DEAR  SIB, — I  have  seen  no  referense 
n  the  course  of  this  correspondence  to 
lie  pathetic  case  of  the  nursery  gover- 
ess.     Why  should  she — who  has  per- 
aps  seen  better  days,  who  is  perhaps 
lady    (think    of    it ! ) — be    dragged  ' 
lirough  the  weekly  ordeal  of  plaster- 1 
ng  nasty  stamps  on  a  grimy  cord  ? 
lilooil  boils  when  I   think  of  tho ' 


blush  of  shame  mantling  her  humble* 
brow,  the  more  so  as  this  duty  will 
doubtless  have  to  be  performed  in  the 
presence  of  that  vast  horde  of  pryinp. 
peering,  callous,  gossiping  new  officials, 
which  is  growing  every  day — the 
iniiiionr,  of  a  Radical  Government. 
I  am,  Yours,  etc.,  RESISTANCE. 


"  Two  .iinsUMcs  gave  trident*  that  Uiry  had 
swn  the  accused  wandering  about  for  the  U»t 
week,  and  that  be  wai  in  the  habit  of  mixing 
with  low  rtlasa  collies  in  Pine  Street." 

Xatal  Adttrtittr. 

This  is  the  sort  of  thing  that  makes 
dogs  din  like  policemen. 


384 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  22,  1911. 


MOTOIUETIES. 
CORRESPONDENCE. 

(With  acknou-kdgments   to  "The 
Autocar.") 

[No. 93,428.]  "Nervous,"  in  his  letter 
[No.  89,601],  says  that  on  each  of  the 
two  occasions  when  he  has  run  over 
dogs  he  suffered  severely  from  shock. 
May  I  say  that  I  too  used  to  experience 
such  shocks  and  once  strained  my  back 
axle  in  this  way;  but  since  fitting 
Bulger's  shock-absorbers  I  have  been 
able  to  take  the  largest  dogs,  and  even 
sheep,  at  high  speeds  without  incon- 
venience. "  BROOKLANDB." 

[No.  93,429.]  "Veritas"  in  his  last 
letter  wilfully  distorted  what  I  said, 
and  in  so  doing  perjured  himself.  I  did 
not  say  that  the  spring  of  the  A.F.X. 
valve  got  "tired,"  I  said  it  became 
"fatigued."  Perhaps  "Veritas"  thinks 
that  the  words  mean  the  same.  If  so 
I  am  sorry  for  him,  as  his  education  or 
his  mental  equipment  must  be  sadly 
lacking.  If  "Veritas"  will  come  to 
Ballyslaughter  I  will  prove  iny  con- 
tention up  to  the  hilt ;  and  if,  as  I 
suppose,  he  is  not  allowed  to  travel 
alone,  he  may  bring  his  attendant  with 
him.  "Veritas "  should  be  careful  not 
to  use  the  term  "  blithering  ignoramus," 
as  it  exactly  describes  himself. 

TRUTH. 

[Our  readers  will  be  glad  to  hear 
what  "  Veritas  "  has  to  say  in  reply  to 
the  above,  as  this  valve  is  of  absorbing 
interest  to  all  motorists  just  now. — ED.] 

[No.  93,430.]  I  was  interested  to 
read  "Gourmet's"  letter  (No.  72,052), 
and  beg  to  place  my  experience  at  the 
disposal  of  your  readers.  "  Gourmet  " 
will  find  that  the  "  flat "  taste  he 
complains  of,  and  difficulty  in  making 
the  water  boil,  will  disappear  if  he  takes 
my  advice,  as  I  always  get  excellent 
results,  viz. :  a  large  brew  of  tea  of  the 
finest  flavour.  First,  then,  he  must 
empty  the  Eadiator.  It  stands  to 
reason  that  water  which  has  perhaps 
been  circulating  round  the  engine  for 
weeks  cannot  be  relied  on  to  produce 
tea  of  really  good  flavour.  When 
emptied  it  is  a  good  plan  to  run  a 
gallon  or  two  of  clean  water  through 
the  radiator  and  then  fill  up  with  fresh 
well  or,  preferably,  spring  water.  Open 
the  throttle  full,  shut  off  the  air, 
disconnect  the  fan,  put  the  spark  back 
to  its  farthest,  start  the  engine  and  boil 
up.  This  takes  me  with  my  40  H.P. 
"  Mogul "  exactly  seventeen  seconds. 
When  the  water  boils  put  the  tea  into 
the  radiator  enclosed  in  a  sausage- 
shaped  muslin  bag  with  string  attached 
so  that  it  may  be  withdrawn  when 
infusion  is  completed.  This  is  a  much 
better  plan  than  allowing  the  loose  tea 


leaves  to  circulate,  as  they  are  apt  to 
clog  the  draw-off  cock  and  have  then 
to  be  picked  out  with  a  hat-pin  or, 
better,  a  crochet-hook,  a  tedious  business 
at  best.  I  may  mention  that  while 
tea-making  is  in  progress  excellent 
buttered  toast  may  be  made  against 
the  exhaust,  which  is,  of  course,  red- 
hot,  or  a  cutlet  grilled  to  perfection. 

TEMPERANCE. 

[No.  93,431].  Teddy's  suggestion 
[letter  No.  85,611]  that  all  roads  where 
they  enter  and  leave  villages  should 
have  notices  slung  across  from  house 
to  house  stating  the  name  of  the  place, 
quite  takes  the  banana.  The  arrange- 
ment might  be  improved,  however,  by 
making  the  letters  two  feet  high,  as 
a  twelve-inch  letter  is  sometimes  un- 
readable at  high  speeds.  The  name, 
too,  should  be  printed  in  luminous 
paint  (except  where  electric  illumina- 
tions is  possible),  and  on  both  sides  of 
the  board,  as  one  frequently  forgets  the 
name  of  a  place  while  buying  petrol, 
&c.,  and  likes  to  be  reminded  on  leaving 
it.  As  proof  how  necessary  some  such 
device  has  become  I  may  say  that  only 
last  week  I  ran  through  York  under 
the  impression  it  was  Selby,  which 
place  I  had  not  noticed  on  the  road  at 
all ;  and  a  pal  of  mine  lately  mistook 
Blackburn  for  Rochdale,  Rochdale  for 
Bolton,  and  Bolton  for  Wigan,  owing 
to  a  policeman  telling  him  that  Bradford 
was  Leeds.  UNDERGRADUATE. 

[No.  93,432] .  Last  week  I  suffered 
precisely  the  same  misfortune  as  that 
endured  two  years  since  by  a  dear 
friend  of  mine,  now,  I  regret  to  say, 
slowly  recovering  from  illness  with 
exemplary  patience.  I  was  travelling 
from  Birmingham  to  Oxford  in  the 
night-time,  and  going  through  Winter- 
bath,  where  the  road  turns  about,  I 
must  have  suffered  some  confusion  of 
mind  (although  I  was  not  aware  of  it 
at  the  time),  for  an  hour  later  I  found 
myself  entering  Birmingham  again. 
Cannot  the  place  be  pulled  down  ?  If 
not,  I  greatly  fear  that  many  other 
motorists  will  be  victimised  in  the 
same  way,  alas  !  RECTOR. 

The  Sunday  Chronicle  quotes  The 
Manchester  Guardian  as  follows  : — 

"Was  it  not  Gladstone  who  once  said — 
doubtless  in  a  spirit  of  sprightly  exaggeration — 
that  a  man  of  40  could  no  more  be  made  into  a 
member  of  Parliament  than  a  woman  of  40 
could  be  made  into  a  ballot-girl  ?" 

Votes  for  women  of  40 ! 


To-day's  News  in  Brief. 

"Sir  John  S.  Kandes  finished  his  round  1  nit 
the  truth,  before  the  end  of  next  year,  the 
wages  of  our  working  classes." — 
Evening  Chronicle.. 


INJURED   GUILT. 

HE  had  been  a  good  groom,  as  he 
will  tell  you  himself,  and  had  been 
dismissed  from  his  groomship  without, 
as  he  argues,  adequate  reason.  The 
unfortunate  dispute  which  led  to  his 
dismissal  was  at  the  most  a  difference 
of  opinion.  His  view  was  that  a 
groom  is  entitled,  by  way  of  perquisite, 
o  lake  from  the  corn  bin  and  carry 
tiome  with  him  so  much  corn  as  a 
groom's  hens  require.  His  master  held 
the  opposite  opinion  ;  "  but  even  if  he 
was  right,"  thought  the  groom,  "  surely 
a  master  ought  not  to  sack  his  servan'. 
every  time  they  disagree  in  an  ethical 
argument?  And,  if  he  must  dismiss 
me,  it  was  adding  insult  to  injury  to 
accuse  me  of  theft." 

He  gave  the  matter  some  thought 
during  the  following  weeks,  and  a 
further  consideration  occurred  to  him  : 
When  a  man  has  been  called  a  thief 
and  has  suffered  for  the  alleged  theft, 
surely  he  is  entitled  to  some  proceeds?  " 

So,  having  promised  an  orgie  to  his 
depressed  poultry  and  having  bided 
his  time,  he  resorted  quietly  one  even- 
ing, about  a  week  after  the  termination 
of  his  service,  to  the  stables  of  his  old 
master,  in  search  of  vengeance  and  a 
last  basket  of  corn.  In  his  day  the 
stable  key  had  been  religiously  kept  in 
a  niche  in  the  wall,  close  to  the  stable 
door,  so  concealed  by  the  ivy  that  it 
could  hardly  be  discovered,  except  by 
those  who  knew  of  its  exact  where- 
abouts. To  a  man  so  far  removed 
from  being  wholly  bad  as  to  have  an 
extremely  high  opinion  of  his  wronged 
virtue,  it  was  the  last  straw  to  discover 
that  the  door  was  locked  and  that  the 
key  was  no  longer  lodged  in  that  niche. 
A  moment's  consideration  showed  him 
that  the  reason  of  this  change  must 
be  connected  with  himself. 

"  Well,  I  do  think,"  he  murmured 
bitterly — "I  do  think  that  they  might 
have  trusted  me  that  far.'' 


Lines  by  an  Erratic  Pluralist. 
[The  use  of  the  form  "Panjandra"  by  Tit? 
Jlfanchcster  Guardian  has  recently  caused  some 
stir  in  etymological  circles.] 

O  adorable  Cassandra ! 

Since  the  tyrannous  Panjandra 

On  your  movements  keep  an 

ever-watchful  eye ; 
Let  us  pack  our  vade  mcca 
And  elope  to  Costa  Rica 

On  the  speediest  of  motor  omnibi. 

"Junior  Clerk,  with  Knowledge  of  Short- 
hand and  Typewriting.  Food  Prospects  for 
Capable  Youth." — Ath-t.  in  "  Jllclbtn/riic  Argus. . 

They  mustn't  overdo  it.  They  mustn't 
pamper  him.  A  snack  once  a  week  is 
enough  for  the  first  year. 


Nov,™t  «  1911.] 


Oil   Till-     LONDON   CIIAIMV AIM. 


-> 


WITH    THE   STRATFORD-ON-AVON    HUNT.-NO.   3. 


(•SVjiK-J  to  fi'o.  1,  page  345.) 
'THEY  HAVE  THEIR  EXITS. "—At  You 


ft. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
I  SHALL  never  understand  why  some  writers  are  taken 
up   by   the   public  and  others  are  ignored.      Miss  ANNE 
DOUGLAS  SEDQWICK  has  been  writing  now  for  some  years 
Her  books  are  looked  forward  to  eagerly  by  the  elect ;"  each 
new  story  as  it  comes  out  is  praised  by  the  critics  in  the 
warmest  terms.     She  must  have  been  told  a  hundred  time: 
(and  told  with  perfect  truth)  that  she  is  "  in  the  very  front 
rank  of  modern  novelists."      And  yet  I  doubt  if  one  person 
in  six  has  ever  heard  her  name.     Well,  the  loss  is  the 
public's,  not  Miss  SEDGWICK'S  ;  and  the  public  shall  be 
given  one  more  chance.     Tante  (ARNOLD)  is  the  book  this 
tin.e.     It  tells  the  story  of  that  colossal  egoist,  Madame 
Oknitika,,    'the    famous    pianist;    of    Karen,   her  adopted 
daughter,  blind  and  devoted  worshipper  at  the  shrine  of 
genius ;  of  Gregory  Jardiiie,  who  married  Karen  and  saw 
through    Okraska ;    of    Okraska's   bitter  enmity  towards 
him ;  and  so,  finally,  of  the  choice  between  mother  and 
husband    which    Karen  had  to  make.     Perhaps  I  should 
not  have  told  you  that  Okraska  was  a  fraud.     Miss  SEDG- 
WICK  herself  is  never  in  a  hurry  to  describe  her  characters ; 
she  lets  them  impress  their  own  personalities  upon  you. 
They  act  and  talk  without  comment  from  the  author,  and 
in  the  end  one  knows  them  all  the  better  for  her  restraint. 
Tante  is  a  finely-told  story,  which  will  live  with  you  for  a 
long  time  after  you  have  read  it.     And  for  the  sake  of  the 
elect,  who  alone  will  appreciate  what  it  means,  I  will  add 
that  it  shows  Miss  SEDGWICK  at  her  very  best. 

Other  great  novelists  might  descend  with  a  certain  loss 
of  dignity  from   the  cloudier  heights  of  romance  to  the 


realms  of  the  purely  topical ;  but  not  so  Mr.  HENRY  JAMES. 
In  The  Outcry  (MlTHUBM)  he  has  touched  upon  a  no  less. 
burning  newspaper  theme  than  the  sale  of  a  masterpiece  (a 
supposed  Moretto)  by  a  great   English   nobleman  to  an 
American  millionaire  of  the  hustling  variety.     Additional 
interest  is  provided  by  the  discovery  on  the  part  of  a  voting 
and  aspiring  connoisseur  that  the  picture  is  no  Moretto  aftei 
all,  but  the  eighth  Mantovano  of  the  world,  and  on  the 
strength  of  his  enthusiasm  this  "detrimental"  gains  the 
heart  of  its  aristocratic  owner's  daughter,  who  is  about  t<> 
resign   herself  to  a  marriage  of  convenience  in  order  t<> 
square  her  sister's  gambling  debts.    But,  however  soiled  the 
subject  may  be  with  the  mud  of  so  recent  a  controversy. 
:  here  is  no  alteration  in  the  delightful  methods  of  the  author : 
lardly  any  character  receives  an  answer,  even  to  the  lightest 
of  remarks,  until  Mr.  JAMES  has  put  up  a  pretty  little  fern- 
of  psychological  subtleties  in  front  of  it;  and  when  tin- 
answer  does  come  it  is  most  commonly  of  that  tentative. 
illusive  kind  (redeemed  from  complete  improbability  by  a 
';ouch  of  slang  or  even  an  oath)  with  which  we  have  grown 
amiliar;  and  certainly  as  much  as  that  of  any  of  his  previous 
looks  the  style  of  The  Outer;/  marks  the  apotheosis  of  the 
adverb.     "  Ho  had  his  effect,  and  Lord  Theign's  answer, 
addressed   to   Lady  Grace,   made  indifference  very  com 
>rehensive.     '  You  may  do  whatever  you  dreadfully  like ! ' ' 
?his  is  but  one  of  a  score  of  instances.     May  I  respectfully 
uggest  to  the  publisher  that  in  future  he  should  print 
x-low   Mr.  JAMES'S  titles  on  the  front  page,  "By  (quite 
iharmingly)  HE.NKY  JAMBS.'' 

Bishop  BOYD-CARPENTBB  accurately  names  his  volume  of  • 
eminiscences  Sonif  Pages  of  my  Life  (WILLIAMS  ASH  ' 
VORGATE).  It  is  not  an  autobiography  in  the  accepted 


386 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.          [NOVEMBER  22,  1911. 


sense  of  an  ugly  word.  It  is  just  gossip,  suggestive  of  the  ;  flying  sympathetically  to  boyhood's  heroes,  COLUMBUS  and 
BISHOP  seated  by  his  own  fireside,  "going  off,"  may  I  say?iCAnoT,  and  I  was  glad  to  find  that  they  still  form  "  the 
as  recollections  "of  a  long,  busy,  distinguished  life  crowd  !  great  turning-point  in  the  history  of  discovery."  One  feels 
upon  his  memory.  To  the  task  he  brings  the  gift  of  ability  j  that  they  would  be  glad  to  know  that  this  is  Dr.  NANSEN'S 
to  draw  by  few  strokes  a  vivid  picture  of  the  persons  opinion  of  them. 

Experts  on  geographical  exploration  have  been  waiting 
eagerly  for  this  book,  but  I  would  fain  thrust  it  into  the 
hands  of  those  also  who  scoff  at  everyone  who  is  fascinated 
by  the  call  of  the  unknown.  I  tender  the  distinguished 
author  my  respectful  admiration  and  my  warmest  thanks 

book,  its  graphic  touches  and  its  inspiration  of  real  child-  j  for  his  labour  of  love.    It  is  only  justice  to  add  a  word  of 
hood,  recalls  passages  in  David  Copper  field,  where  David  praise  to  Messrs.  HEINEMANN  for  the  way  in  which  the 
broods  over  incidents  of  a  boyhood  spent  amid  circum-   book,  with  its  countless  illustrations,  is  presented, 
stances  lamentably  different  from  young  CABPENTEE'S  early 
days.     Whilst  the  writer,  so  long  known  to  the  world  as 


of  whom  he  chances  to  discourse.  He  has,  moreover,  the 
greater  endowment  of  humour,  flashes  of  which  lighten 
every  page.  Not  the  least  interesting  chapters  are  the 
early  ones,  in  which  he  recalls  childhood  days  and  lets  the 
reader  into  the  secret  of  his  "  Jinnies."  This  part  of  the 


the  Bishop  of  EIPON,  dis- 
courses about  many  people, 
there  unconsciously  moves 
through  his  story  the  figure 
of  a  sunny-natured,  kind- 
hearted,  earnest-souled  man 
whom  it  is  an  impulse  to- 
wards good  to  know,  even 
through  the  medium  of  his 
book.  PHILIP  JAMES  BAILEY, 
in  his  Festus,  spoke  scath- 
ingly of  Bishops.  Many 
years  after  he  wrote  to  ex- 
press his  regret.  "  It  was 
knowing  the  Bishop  of 
Eipon,"  he  says,  "  that  made 
me  consider  the  lives  of  other 
Bishops,  and  finding  such 
good  men  makes  me  wish 
to  alter  the  passage."  On 
laying  down  this  delightful 
book  the  reader  will  under- 
stand the  influence  that  led 
to  this  significant  change  of 
front.  

It  is  easy  enough  to 
imagine  a  man  of  Dr.  NAN- 
SEN'S  calibre  and  industry 
sitting  down  to  write  a 

ipular  book  of  Arctic  ad- 
Venture,  and  being  irresis- 
tibly drawn  from  his  original 
purpose.  In  Northern  Mists 
is  long,  possibly  it  may 


Three    shillings    and 


THE  HISTORY   OF   SCIENCE. 

III.— GALILEO,  WITH  THE  AID  OF  AN  IMPROVED  PLUMB-LINE,  DEMON- 
OKP,SA  M  KOT 


sixpence  net  is  all  that  they 
will  ask  you  for  Mrs.  EDITH 
WHARTON'S  latest  novel, 
Ethan  Frome  (MACMILLAN)  ; 
but,  while  not  wishing  to  be 
rude  to  a  clever  lady  and  an 
undeniably  powerful  little 
tale,  I  am  bound  to  confess 
that  personally  I  would 
sooner  keep  the  money. 
Really,  the  book  is  an  elong- 
ated short-story,  of  that 
rather  depressing  kind  that 
starts  by  introducing  its 
central  character  as  a  bat- 
tered wreck,  and  then  goes 
back  to  explain  how  this 
came  about.  It  came  about 
for  Ethan  Frame  because  he 
was  so  unfortunate  as  to  fall 
in  love  with  pretty  Mattie 
Silver,  soon  after  she  arrived 
to  help  his  invalid  wife  at 
their  lonely  farm — the  scene 
of  all  this  is,  of  course,  laid 
in  America.  The  growth  of 
their  unconfessed  passion  is 
certainly  very  well  de- 
scribed ;  in  particular  the 
guilty  joy  they  take  in 
their  apparent  domesticity 
when  supping  alone  during 
the  temporary  absence  of 
the  wife.  There  is  beauty 
in  this  that  would  have 
better  graced  a  better  book. 


»          kr  •_         i  t^\^vv\JL     ^Liv^j^-vt    eu      WUUW.L     w\j\ji\i 

be  overlong  for  those  who  like  to  acquire  knowledge  at  j  Eventually  the   lovers,    unable    to    bear  the   prospect  of 

top-speed    but  its  facts   are  simply  stated  and  its    ideas    separation,  agree  to  die   together;    their   idea  (to   which 

:learly  set  forth.     At  the  end  of  these  two  most  engrossing   1 

volumes  Dr.  NANSEN  has  not  reached  the  h:story  of  Arctic 

voyages  proper.     As  he  began  to  be  immersed  in  his  subject 

he  found  that  much  that  had  been  written  was  not  to  be 

depended  upon.     So,  as  he  says,  "  what  had  to  be  done 

was  to  confine  oneself  to  the  actual  sources,  and  as  far 

as  possibe  to  build  up  independently   the   best   possible 

structure  from  the  very  foundation."      And  ••  from  the  very 

foundation   ^  he  has  started.     His  first  chapter  is  called 


"  Antiquity,  before  Pytheas,"  and  afterwards  he  takes  us 


myself,  it  would  be  that  which  relates  to  the  question 
whether  the  Greenlanders  are  to  be  considered  the  first 
Europeans  to  discover  America.  Dr.  NANSEN  answers  it 
with  an  unqualified  affirmative.  That  sent  one's  thoughts 


cannot  help  suspecting  they  were  urged  less  by  their 
own  convenience  than  by  a  wish  to  give  Mrs.  WHAKTON  a 
dramatic  climax)  being  to  go  full  speed  down  a  toboggan 
run,  and  smash  into  a  tree.  It  was  not  a  very  happy 
scheme,  as  Ethan  indeed  acknowledged  when  he  awoke 
to  find  himself  permanently  disfigured,  and  Mattie  a  hope- 
less  cripple.  So,  for  the  rest  of  their  long  lives,  there 
the  three  of  them  lived,  in  the  lonely  farm,  invalid  wife  and 
maimed  lovers,  chained  together,  and  nagging.  Jolly,  isn't  it? 


"At  Southend  on  Saturday  the  resignation  of  Captain  Kirkwood, 
member  for  the  division,  was  accepted,  and  the  Hon.  Rupert  Guinness 
was  adopted  as  the  prosperous  Conservative  candidate  at  the  next 
Central  Election.  Captain  Kirkwood  is  retiring  because  of  the  exj  tnsc 
of  fighting  elections  in  such  a  large  constituency."— Daily  Graphic. 

There  is  an  ingenuousness  about  this  which  cannot  offend 
anybody. 


2!>,  lull.]          PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


3*7 


CHARIVARIA. 

THIS  Court  of  Appeal  has  held 
Form  IV.  and  Form  VIII.  to  be  in- 
valid. Wo  understand,  however,  that 
this  decision  is  to  be  the  subject  of  a 
further  appeal,  and  it  is  quite  possible 
that  the  Government  may  find  shortly 
that  the  House  of  Lords  needs  reform- 
ing- *  * 

Referring  to  this  subject  The  Globe 
remarks : — "  It  is  nothing  less  than 
scandalous  that  the  myrmidons  of 
Mr.  GKOI«;H  should  have  been  suffered 
to  practise  this  abominable  blackmail 
and  botli  an  apology  and  liberal  com- 
pensation are  due  to  their  victims." 
'  We  fear,  however,  that  they  will  only  get 
Liberal  compensation. 


"A  Fireside  Univer- 
sity "  is  the  title  given 
by  The  Observer  to  its 
notice  of  a  really  excel- 
lent series  of  books.  In 
view  of  the  proposals 
that  have  been  recently 
made  for  a  holocaust  oi 
books  the  title  seems  a 
little  inconsiderate. 

It  seems  almost  in- 
credible that  it  should 
not  have  occurred  be- 
fore to  the  Militant  Suf- 
fragettes that  the  best 
way  of  proving  their 
fitness  for  the  franchise 
is  to  prove  their  ability 
to  throw  stones  t  hrou'gl  i 
people's  windows.  Did 
not  the  Greeks  vote 
with  pebbles  ? 


We 


are  sorry  to  hear,  by  the  way, 
that  a  number  of  mean  persons  are  row 
making  a  habit  of  not  stamping  their 
letters,  relying  on  the  unfortunate 
recipients  imagining  that  the  stamps 
have  come  off  in  the  post  owing  to  the 
poor  quality  of  the  gum. 


of  sympathy  with  the  Matlock  train*. IV 
employes  who,  we  are  told,  are  threat- 
ening to  siriku  "against  longer  hour*." 
An  hour  of  sixty  minutes  is  surely  quite 
long  enough. 


The    Liverpool    Repertory    Theatre 
has  followed   the,   modern   fashion   of 
ad  that  the  KAISKU'S  placing    tlio    orchestra    out    of 
was    due    to    the   chilly   underneath  the  stage     We 
reception  of  his  Chancellor's  Moroccan  to  hear  that  this  is  taken 


It  is  now 
recent    cold 


statement. 

At  last  the 
chance.       Mr. 


Drama   is 

\YI:KDON 


to    have    a 
GUOBKMITII 


announces  that  in  aforthcoming  theatri- 
cal production  he  will  appear  in  a  new 


collar  of  his  own  invention,  which  will 


be  found   to 


sight 
are  sorry 

as  a  slight 

by  some  of  the  more  sensitive  of  the 
musicians,  who  assert  that  their  personal 
appearance  is  no  more  regrolUble  than 
that  of  the  average  actor. 

The  cost  of  living  continues  to  in- 
crease.    Some  Bacon  which  cost  only 
1H70  was  sold  for  i'l 
at  the  Huth  sale. 


A  writer  in  The  Pall  - 
Mall  Gazette  draws  attention  to  a  trait 
which  he  alleges  is  peculiar — or  almost 
peculiar — to  women.  They  cannot 
punctuate.  Eecent  events  would  csr- 
tainly  seem  to  show  that  a  great  many 
women  do  not  know  where  to  stop. 
*  * 

Senator  BOOT  suggests  that,  in  cele- 
bration of  100  years  of  peace  between 
Groat  Britain  and  the  United  States, 
all  work  shall  cease  in  the  two  countries 
for  five  minutes  on  February  17th,  1915. 
This  should  be  the  shortest  strike  on 
record.  ...  ... 

The  American  Navy  Department  lias 
prohibited  the  chewing  of  gum  aboard 
ship,  on  the  ground  that  the  habit  is 
"  objectionable  and  unmilitary."  The 
men,  however,  hold  that  it  is  not  un- 
naval,  and  resent  the  order,  and  they  are 
assured  that,  if  they  only  stick  together, 
they  will  win  on  this  gum  question. 


Jfeie  Ofiee  Jioy.  "(iE.vn.EMA.v  TO  SEE  YOU,  Sin." 

Busy  Etlilor.  "DIDN'T  I  TELL  you  I  WAXX'T  TO  BE  I>IKTI:I:BEI>  BY  ANVBOIIY 

WHATSOEVER?"  Ifem  Office  fioi/.    "I   KNOW,    SlR  ;     BIT  *E  WEAKfl  RPATX  ! " 


Some  Parliamentary 
Synonym*. 

ANSWKBINO      Mr. 

HK.U.Y'S    question     in 

the  Commons  the  other 

day  as  to  whether  a  re- 

distribution   scheme, 

following  the  reform  of 

the  franchise  law  next 

year,   would   bo  efTer- 

tively  passed   through 

the  House,  Mr  Asgrmi 

oracularly  replied, 

"Time    will     sh<. 

We  welcome  this  im- 

provement on  tlio  r.it  her 

hard-worked  "Wait  and 

1  see  !  "  anil  l>.  -g  t..  MIX- 

1  gest  to  the  right  hon- 

;  ourable  gentleman  u  few 

.  other  variants,  m... 

less  approximate;  — 

Eventualities      will 
'  eventuate. 


the  soft  double  collar  with  the  smart 
appearance  of  the  starched  linen  kind. 
It  is  felt  that  if  this  should  fail  to  draw 
the  public  then  theatrical  managers 
may  as  well  shut  up  shop. 

The  Turks,  we  hear,  were  delighted 


The  facts  will  emerge 
The  sequel  will  duly  follow. 
The  answer  is  in  the  interrogative. 
Che  surd  »<?ni. 

The  honourable  Member  had  !• 
consult  the  pages  of  "  Old  Moore." 
The   ringing   of   these   and    similar 


with    the   floods   at  Tripoli.      Having  ;  changes  would  impart  the  fresh: 
failed  to  cut  off  the  water  supply,  they 
realised  that  the  next  best  thing  to  too 
little  water  was  too  much  of  it. 


The  president  of  the  King  Edward 
VII.  Hospital,  Windsor,  has  sent  a  letter 
thanking  the  organisers  of  the  Corona- 
tion Aerial  Post  for  a  cheque  for 
£937  14.5.  2</.,  and  stating  that  a  bed  in 
the  hospital  is  to  bo  named  "The 
Coronation  Aerial  Post  Bed."  It  should 
be  a  brave  patient  that  undertakes  to 
sleep  in  a  bed  with  a  name  like  that. 

We  entertain  a  considerable  amount 


a  new  parlour  game  into  the  anility  of 
Ministerial  replic*. 

True  Modesty. 

"MuTHEiss"  MKCTIW:«.  —  ^ 

VITV    •iitisfai-t'nily.    ami   an-  nukn 

kll  -'-    '!-,  i-ll   111     rv    )'  t!    -  •  •!--    >t'-.,f"l   tllP  \\.lll- 

niiil  Stray*  S.«-i.'ty." 


Aii  advertised  review  says: 

'  ('.limn  Sliii'lian  lias  aimeilat  fiictmiiijj  f.-rii* 
.soiiK-tliinguf  III*-  int.Tior  history  of  th'-  I 
Revolution  ...   He  l:as  revived  i>'  : 
for  tin-  iii'irr  mature  aniniiK  his  reader-." 

This  does  not  include  us,  to  our  great 
regret.     We  were  just  too  late  fur  it. 


388 


(HI    TIIK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[KcnBJiujn  29,  1911. 


MASTER    AND     MAID. 

"  Ke  sit  aaefllie  tibl  amor  poctori    .     .    ." 

//,,,-. I,:-.  Can  i.  H.   ';. 
I  Heinj;  a  further  contribution  to  tln>  Spi-vaiit-Stani])  Syirpi  MUJII.] 

THOMAS,  I  count  it  your  affair,  not  mine ; 

Yet  on  my  heart:  'tis  laid 
To  let  you  have  a  note,  a  privy  line, 

Touching  your  parlour-maid  : 
I  wish,  as  one  whose  friendship,  linn  and  fast, 

Has  never  shrunk  from  moral  duty, 
To  say  that  I  have  heard  reflections  pissed. 

Upon  her  striking  beauty. 

I  see  no  blame  in  this  ;  I  fail  to  sco 

Why  this  same  Mary  Ann 
Should  ask  for  anybody's  leave  to  be 

As  lovely  as  she  can  ; 
But  there  are  men  more  curious  in  surrjaiso, 

Eager  to  trace  the  sort  of  scandal 
To  which  a  bachelor's  mtnage  supplies 

An  oh  so  obvious  handle. 

To  such  as  these,  when  gossip  grows  too  gay, 

I  always  answer,  "  Pish  ! 
Thomas,  I  say,  is  cold ;  he  has,  I  say, 

The  nature  of  a  fish  ; 
Incurious  of  the  damsel's  dainty  air 

Who  serves  his  soup  and  meat  and  pasties, 
He  couldn't  tell  the  colour  of  her  hair 

Nor  whereabouts  her  waist  is." 

Thus  I  defend  you.  Yet  I  have  my  fears  ; 

For  in  my  head  there  rings 
This  thought : — Proximity  in  time  endears 

The  most  unlikely  things; 
Some  Saturday  he  '11  come  with  sudden  whirl — 

The  Winged  Boy  that  laughs  at  sages, 
And'have  you  through  the  heart  just  when  the  girl 
'  Is  being  paid  her  wages. 

For  then,  in  your  dim  study,  'neath  the  lamp's 

Softened  and  shy  regard, 
You  two  will  be  engaged  in  sticking  stamps 

On  her  Insurance  Card  ; 
And  GEORGE'S  scheme  (whatever  else  its  use), 

Demanding  this  concerted  action, 
May  bring  your  heads  together  and  induce 

Ancillary  attraction. 

Yet  take  no  shame,  my  Thomas,  should  it  como 

That  lips  which  thus  unite 
To  damp  the  same  intoxicating  gum 

A  dearer  bond  should  plight ; 
That  those  two  tongues  which  started  out  to  curse 

The  loathed  rule  of  mere  stamp-licker 
Should  pledge  their  vows  for  better  or  for  worse, 

For  healthier  or  for  sicker. 

So  may  your  virtue  follow  that  advice 

Of  HORACE  (see  above), 
Who  urged  his  young  friend  not  to  be  too  nice 

About  a  slave-girl's  love  ; 
So  Marriage,  by  this  democratic  law, 

Shall  stretch  her  social  range,  nor  shall  you 
Waste  all  those  threepences,  but  she  may  draw 

Their  full  "surrender  value."*  O.  S. 

*  Strictly  speaking,  on  HIP  ocrasion  of  her  marriage  Mary  Ann  may 
jiily  draw  two-tliirds  of  the  sun-emlcr  value  of  her  policy  by  way  of 
dowry,  the  ramming  third  !,,.!„«  retained  by  t IIP  .State  tor  iierbonelit  in 
the  event  of  Thomas  jired  Teasing  her. 


THE    COLLISION. 

i. 

From  (leorf/e  Wudd,  Jimnd  I'm  in,  IHlUey,  Beds.,  to 
Captain  Henry  Wilmer,  The,  Hi'jli  Tower,  J\lelt*l'>>ie, 
Surrey. 

Sin, — I  am  now  better  and  send  enclosed  account  for 
repairs  to  my  dog-cart  damaged  by  your  motercar  three 
months  ago  the  figger  is  put  low  but  I  do  not  want  to 
charge  more  than  n:'scsary  I  must  also  ask  you  to  pay 
me  £10  for  personal  injury  to  my  health  owing  to  shock  to 
the  sistem. 

Yours  respectfully. 

n. 
From  Captain  Henry  \Vilmar  to  George  Wadil. 

SIR, — In  answer  to  your  letter  of  yesterday  I  beg  to  say 
that  I  am  astonished  by  the  demand  you  make.  On  the 
occasion  in  question  my  car  did  certainly  touch  the  wheel 
of  your  trap,  but  I  was  going  dead  slow,  and  the  collision, 
such  as  it  was,  was  so  slight  as  to  bo  hardly  noticeable. 
Yet  I  perceive  in  the  carriage-maker's  bill  for  £20  10.?.  which 
you  send  me  that  you  have  ventured  to  have  practically 
every  portion  of  the  trap  repaired  and  refitted.  I  certainly 
shall  not  pay  such  an  exorbitant  charge.  A  half-crown 
would  cover  the  whole  extent  of  any  damage  .done  to  the 
old  shandry-dan.  I  don't  quite  understand  what  you  mean 
by  "  personal  injury  to  your  health  "  and  "  shock  to  your 
system."  Were  you  attended  by  a  doctor?  If  so  I  shall 
be  glad  to  have  his  name  and  see  the  details  of  his  charges. 

Yours  faithfully, 
in. 

From  Geonje  Wadd  to  Captain  Henry  Wilmer. 
SIB, — When  you  run  into  me  you  must  have  been  going 
fifty  mile  an  hour.  The  collision  was  dredfull  and  must 
have  been  herd  for  miles  every  part  of  the  cart  was 
knocked  about  and  the  horse  has  not  been  himself  since 
I  write  to  you  as  a  gentleman  to  a  gentleman'  and  I  am 
sure  you  do  not  wish  a  poor  man  to  suffer  in  these  times 
wich  are  the  worst  farmers  have  been  through  for  six 
weeks  I  could  not  hold  a  pen  or  lie  down  in  my  bed  with- 
out screeming  for  the  pain  in  the  back  of  my  neck  and 
knees.  My  friends  do  not  think  I  shall  ever  be  the  same 
man  since  in  respect  of  what  you  say  of  a  doctor  I 
never  let  one  of  that  sort  handle  me  and  I  never  will 
I  "ve  seen  too  many  taken  before  their  time  through  doctors 
meddling.  Kindly  send  me  your  cheque  for  thirty  pounds 
ten  shillings  and  oblige 

Yours  waiting. 


From  Captain  Henry  Wilmer  to  George  Wadd. 
SIR, — Your  demand  is  preposterous  and  I  certainly  shall 
not  pay  it.  What  I  am  ready  to  do  is  to  send  you  £1  in 
full  satisfaction  of  all  claims.  Please  let  me  know  if  you 
are  willing  to  accept  this  offer,  which  is  made  without 
prejudice.  Yours  faithfully. 

v. 

From  Geonje  Wadd  to  Captain  Henri/  Wilmer. 
SIR, — I  am  surprised  you  should  wish  to  treat  a  poor 
nan  so  I  do  not  want  your  prejudice  and  you  can  keep 
it  for  yourself  we  are  all  in  danger  of  our  lives  through 
motorcars  and  the  worst  is  they  wont  pay  for  damage  done 
my  friends  say  they  never  see  a  man  got  his  spirits  so 
broken  as  I  am  by  your  accident  I  was  always  a  good 
eater  and  now  I  cant  touch  beef  and  all  my  beer  turns 
inside  me.  But  I  dont  want  to  be  hard  on  a  gentleman 


JPUNCH,   OR  Till'.    LONDON   CIIARIVARI.-NovEUBKB  29,  1911 


" 


THE   GREAT    HARJMKR. 


ICE  MA.DKX  (to  ft^i,.  &*/)•  "COl'llAGE    YOU    HAVH,    WT  YOU    Ml'ST    IIAVK 
BEFORE    I    LET    YOU    PASS." 

,Th,,,  is  ,,,v,  fear  lest  th.  Soutl,  Pole  |.:M«liiio,,  should  f:,il  f»r  bok  of  A:,,!,  Ital  m,y  I 

7,  l,..tl,].nry,  K.C.]  ._ 


NOYBMBEB  29,  mi- ]  PUNCH,   OR  TIIH   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


391 


1". 


•'Is   YOVl;    IIL'M.   (jiriTK  .SAKE? 


•UK'S  AW  KICIIT  —  ir  \v.  KKKC  HACK  I-T.AK  ins  HK.AI>." 


wich  I  suppose  you  are  from  your  being  a  captain     I  will 
accept  your  £1  but  I  do  so  with  prejudice. 

Yours  faithful, 
vr. 
From  Captain  Henry  Wilmer  to  George  Wadil. 

SIR, — I  enclose  £1  and  beg  you  will  sign  the  accompany- 
ing form  of  receipt  and  return  it  to  me. 

Yours  faithfully. 

VII. 

From  George  Wadtl  to  Captain  Henry  Wilmer. 

Sin, — The  £1  received  and  paper  signed  am  sending  it 
you  have  treeted  me  shameful  and  if  you  could  sea  me  now 
you  would  know  what  it  meens  to  a  man  of  my  age 
nothing  is  the  same  witli  me  since  your  motorcar  smashed 
me  up  but  I  will  try  to  forgive  you  and  if  ever  you  come 
this  way  again  I  will  be  on  the  look  out  for  you  mind 
that.  I  always  pay  my  reckonings. 

Yours  grateful. 


"Mrs.  Hetty  (ireen,  the  world's  wealthiest  woman,  celebrated  her 
7th  birthday  in  New  York  on  Tuesday.  .  .  .  Reporters  went  to  con- 
gratulate her,  and  asked  her  how  she  kept  so  young." 

Dublin,  Eceniny  ifuil. 

The  Press  should  mind  its  own  business.     A  woman  is  as 
old  as  she  says  she  is. 


''Tin'  cast  was  mainly  a  familiar  one,  with  Mine-.  Saltzmaan-Stcrena 
as  Isulda,  H<  11  Cornelius  as  Tristan,  and  Heir  Van  Kooy  as  Kin-venal. 
********** 

Tin-  Kin-venal  of  Hen-  Van  Rory  is  always  a  beautifully-finished 
portrait. " — JJa  ilij  Chron  icle. 

Of  the  two  we  prefer  VAN  Hour,  as  he  is  so  much  easier 

to  hear. 


THE    TREASURE. 

'•MAY  we  see  IT?" 

The  speaker  put  down  her  cup  and  turned  from  her 
hostess  to  the  daughter  of  the  house.  A  pink  flush  over- 
spread the  fair  young  face,  and  the  man  in  the  corner,  who 
had  hoard  of  an  engagement,  became  curious. 

"  Would  you  like  to  ?  "    The  question  came  shyly. 

"  We  should  simply  love  to." 

The  girl  still  hesitated,  but  at  last  rose  in  obedience  to  the 
reiterated  requests  and  turned  towards  the  door. 

"  Will  you  come  then,  please '.'  "  she  said. 

All  followed  upstairs.  Before  a  door  she  paused  and 
hesitated.  Then  turning  the  knob  she  entered. 

She  crossed  the  room  and  stood  before  a  curtained 
recess,  her  friends  creeping  behind  her. 

"Is— IT— there?" 

"  Yes,"  she  said  softly,  "  IT  is  here." 

The  man,  ignorant  and  wondering,  waited.  For  a 
moment  her  small  hand  trembled  on  the  curtain.  Then 
she  pulled  it  slowly  aside.  What  the  man  saw  was  a  gilded 
glass  case,  and  upon  a  purple  cushion  within  the  case  a  btone. 

"  Is  that  IT  ?  "  they  said. 

"  Yes,"  answered  the  fair  young  girl  quietly, — "yes,  that 
is  the  stone  with  which  I  broke  Madame  Chiffon's  win- 
dow. Nevermore  shall  they  say  that  we  women  think 
more  of  shop  windows  than  of  the  Cause  !  " 


"Jury's  Imperial  Pictures  (Limited;  had  pn  mix-d  the  delivery  of  • 
til m  representing  the  adventures  of  Ulysses  in  (Jlasgow,  Leeds,  Uelfast, 
Kdinlmrgh,  and  ISinninghani." — Simulant. 

His  adventures  in  Glasgow  are  what  we  most  want  to  see. 
Canny  as  they  are  in  Scotland  we  think  that  the  many-wiled 
Ulysses  would  have  been  too  much  for  them. 


392 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARL_        [NOVEMBER  29,  1011. 


THE    NEW    ANCESTOR 

WORSHIP. 
MR.  B.  SIMMONS,  jun.,  of  Forest  Gate, 


recently  wrote  to  The  Daily  Express 
to  express  his  indignation  at  the  way 
in  which  people  speak  as  if  Ireland 
bad  always  heen  in  a  savage  and  rest- 
less condition.  "Such  statements,"  he 
continues,  "  constitute  an  insult  to 
the  memory  of  my  ancestor,  BRIAN 


Chaldean  astrologers  were  sternly  sup- 
pressed   and    the    advocates   of    Free 
Trade  were  absolutely  dumbfounded  by  | 
her  irresistible  personal  charm. 


MIRIAM  BoDGBE. 
49,  Asparagus  Road,  Oldham. 

THE  PHOENICIAN  FAIRY. 
Iconoclastic  writers,  who  live  by  be- 
littling  the  great,  have  lately 

me  memory   ot   my   ancestor,  ^»i«,  their  attention  to  DIDO,  the  Queen  of 
BOHOXHHE,  whose  reign  was  one  of  un-  Carthage,  and  have  gone^o  farjisjo 
exampled   peace    and    pros- 
perity throughout  Ireland." 
This  noble  and  high-spirited 
protest  has  borne  immediate 
fruit  in  a  crop  of  similar  let- 
ters addressed  to  Mr.  Punch, 
out   of  which  he  has   only 
room  for  the  following  : — 
A  "PAKR"  SCOKE. 

Recent  correspondence  on 
the  subject  of  the  KIPLING- 
FLETCHER  History  of  England 
has  given  rise  to  some  highly 
reprehensible  remarks  at  the 
expense  of  HENRY  VIII.  Al- 
though it  is  the  fashion 
nowadays  to  depreciate 
royalty,  I  cannot  remain 
silent  when  an  illustrious 
connexion  by  marriage  is 
thus  foully  aspersed.  As  a 
collateral  descendant  of  the 
only  wife  who  had  the 
privilege  of  surviving  him, 
I  have  no  hesitation  in  say- 
ing that  HENRY  was  one  of 
the  kindest-hearted  and  most 
gentle  of  men. 

HONORIA  PARR  (Miss). 

The  Lindens,  Tulse  Hill 

FRANCIS  THE  FLAWLESS. 

Shakspeareaus  are  not 
content  with  the  ridiculous 
assertion  that  SHAKSPEARE 
wrote  the  plays  which  were 
published  in  his  name  ;  they 
add  insult  to  injury  by  al- 


Voice  (frmn  bed). 
PajM  (Itopefullij). 


'ISN'T  JIB  ASLEEP  YET!" 

'Xo;  BIT  HE  YAWNED  ABOUT  A  QUAIITEH-OF-AN- 


SAYINGS   OF   THE  WEAK. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  various 

contempora  ries.) 

SIR  NORMAN  HENRY.  "I  am  confident 
of  this — that  we  shall  never  see  indus- 
trial peace  in  this  country  until  the 
present  Labour  unrest  is  over." 

PROVOST    OF    KIRKSPINDLIE.     "  The 
turned   question  is  often  asked,  '  Stands  Scot- 
land where  she  did?  '  and  after  careful 
examination  I  am  emboldened  to  say 
— ,  that   the   answer   is   in    the 
affirmative." 

REAR-ADMIRAL  SIMPKINS. 
"  To  protect  our  shores  we 
must  have  ships ;  to  man 
our  ships  we  must  have 
men.  Both  cost  money,  but 
both  are  imperative  if  we 
are  to  retain  our  command 
of  the  sea." 

ALDERMAN  PRATT.  "  I  in- 
variably find  that  those  who 
say  that  England  is  going 
to  the  dogs  are  themselves 
either  young  puppies  or  old 
curs.  '  The  Gloomy  Dean  ' 
is,  of  course,  an  exception." 

MR.  KENNARD  NOAKES, 
F.R.I.B. A.  "  It  is  regrettable 
but  true  that  good  architec- 
ture has  little  or  no  interest 
for  the  criminal  classes." 

Miss  FLORA  BATEMAN. 
"  Most  women  would  rather 
wear  pretty  clothes  than 
not." 

DR.  GORE- JONES.  "The 
health  of  a  community 
largely  depends  upon  the 
elimination  of  disease." 

LADY  LLANTUCKET.  "A 
good  cook  need  not  necess- 
arily be  a  good  Christian." 

GENERAL  HOUSTON.  "  Real 
war  is  about  as  unlike  a 
Sunday-school  treat  as  any- 
thing well  could  be." 

MR.  DAVID  MCTAGGART, 
M.P.  "  Kings  and  policemen 
in  private  life  are  very  like 


leging  that  FRANCIS  BACON   HOUK  A(i0  \ 

was   a   venal  judge.      As   a 

relative  of  this  universal  genius  I  have  declare  that  there  never  was  such  a  ordinary  human  beings." 

the  best  of  reasons  for  stating  that  this  person.     These  attacks  are  not  only  a 

is  an  infamous  falsehood.     The  purity  calumny  on  the  dead,  they  wound  the 

of  the  Bench  in  the  days  of  ELIZABETH  living.     As  a  lineal  descendant  of  her 


was  absolutely  unassailable. 

ALBERT  GAMMON. 
The  Dovecote,  Dimmow. 

SEMIRAMIS  VINDICATED. 

I  have  recently  read  a  book  entitled 
Twelve  Horrible  Women,  in  which,  to 
my  infinite  disgust,  I  discover  a  shock- 
ing account  of  my  illustrious  ancestress, 
SEMIRAMIS.  It  is  enough  to  state  the 


;  sister  Anna,  who  married  the  famous 
Carthaginian  general  Hitherto,!  protest 
against  this  campaign  of  extermination. 

HEPHZIBAH  BLOTT. 
Biskra,  Peckham  Kijc. 


"Patrick  Hcnegan  (who  (lid  not  attend,  but 
forwarded  an  excuse)  was  lined  2s.  6d.  for  riding 
a  bicycle  at  midnight." — If/oittnlef  Citi;<-ii. 


simple  fact  that  under  her  enlightened  t  PATRICK'S  excuse  must  have  given  him 
rule  Assyria  enjoyed  adult  suffrage,  away  badly,  for  this  is  not  generally 
while  the  fraudulent  practices  of  the  considered  a  punishable  offence. 


Sir   A.    G.   BOSCAWEN,    as    reported 


in  the  Cambria  Daily  Leader: — 

"  In  the  House  of  Commons  they  would  have 
every  weapon  agiiiist  them — the  ^ag,  the  guil- 
lotine, the  clos.uv.  anil  the  candle  rule." 

The  "  candle  rule  "  is  that  you  have  to 
stop  speaking  as  soon  as  it  gets  dark. 
Slurred  over,  it  sounds  like  "kangaroo," 
which  is  another  parliamentary  dodge 
altogether. 


"The  quotation  'There's  a  child  anning  us 
taking  notes'  needs  to  1»>  modified." — M"t< 

What,  again  ? 


I 


Novi:.\ii)i:it  tii>,  19 11.] 


ruNcii, 


THE  LAST  COM  Eli. 
A  CuiiibTMAS  (Ni'MUEii)  TALK. 
IT  was  midnight,  the  Ghost's  Iligli 
Noon,  and  in  an  upper  chamber  of  an 
old  house  near  Fleet  Street  the  season- 
able spectres  had  met  for  their  annual 
re-union.  Though  the  year  was  yet 
in  early  autumn,  the  Ghosts,  as  usual, 
had  brought  their  own  weather.  Holly 
and  mistletoe  festooned  the  walls,  and 
a  mighty  fire  roared  in  the  wide  chim- 
ney, despite  the  fact  that,  outside  the 
elaborately  frosted  windows,  October 
was  departing  with  her  customary 
blusterous  warmth  and  a  crop  of  press- 
paragraphed  primroses. 

Within  the  room,  however,  winter  of 
tho  kind  that  is  called  old-fashioned 
reigned  supreme.  The  scent  of  printer's 
ink  and  glazed  paper  was  calculated  to 
strike  terror  into  the  boldest  nostrils ; 
it  was  the  distinctive  scent  that  pro- 
claimed the  advent  of  the  phantoms  to 
the  haunts  of  men — the  dread  perfume 
of  the  Christmas  Number. 

Already  there  were  not  wanting  signs 
that  the  grip  of  these  Ghosts  upon  the 
shilling  public  was  loosening — but  of 
this  they  themselves  seemed  still  to  be 
in  ignorance.  Anyhow  they  were  all 
there.  At  the  head  of  the  long  table  sat 
that  elderly  spectre,  clad  in  a  winding- 
sheet  somewhat  threadbare  with  long 
use,  whose  custom  it  had  been,  years  out 
of  count,  to  denounce  on  Christmas  Eve 
its  unsuspected  murderer.  Opposite, 
the  family  Skeleton  rattled  its  familiar 
bones  with  gusto,  the  Missing  Will 
still  clasped,  from  simple  force  of 
habit,  within  its  fleshless  fingers.  It 
was  glancing,  with  the  ghost  of  a  wink, 
towards  the  Blue  Lady,  a  female  now 
of  mature  years,  who,  for  her  part, 
seemed  to  respond  to  such  advances 
with  every  sign  of  amiability.  This, 
however,  astonished  none  of  the 
spectral  company,  since  it  was  well 
known  that  an  old  understanding 
existed  between  the  two,  who  had, 
indeed,  worked  together  too  often, 
Christmas  by  Christmas,  to  retain  any 
formality  towards  each  other. 

Absence  of  ceremony  was,  however, 
a  pleasant  feature  of  the  whole  ghostly 
gathering.  Mere  vulgar  spooks,  such 
as  the  Headless  Horseman  or  the 
Driver  of  the  Phantom  Mail,  were 
obviously  regarded  as  on  an  equal 
social  footing  with  spectres  of  the  very 
bluest  transparency.  A  sense  of  tasks 
accomplished  seemed  to  pervade  the 
company,  so  that  one  and  all,  conscious 
of  another  twelve  months'  well-earned 
leisure  ahead,  abandoned  themselves 
with  zest  to  the  exhilaration  of  the 
moment.  It  was,  in  short,  a  party  of 
uigh  old  spirits. 

Then  suddenly,  while  the  revel  was 


filr  liubei-l  (us  sudden  scun-y  is  heard).   "  WHAT  WAS  THAT  ? " 
A'ervous Loader.  "0-osLY  A  KOBEHT,  Siu  BABBIT!" 


at  its  gayest,  at  the  precise  moment 
when  the  venerable  chair-ghost  had 
risen  for  the  time-honoured  proposal  of 
"  Our  First  Editor,"  a  strange  footstep 
became  audible  upon  the  stair  without. 
With  slow  and  unaccustomed  step  it 
climbed,  and  the  very  sound  of  it,  elo- 
quent of  dull  weariness  and  resigned 
despair,  sent  a  chill  of  horror  down 
the  marrowless  spines  of  the  startled 
listeners.  Huddled  together,  the  smiles 
frozen  upon  their  jaw-bones,  the  phan- 
toms turned  with  one  accord  towards 
the  door,  where,  upon  the  threshold, 
stood  now  a  figure  far  more  sinister 
than  any  that  the  imagination  of  Yule- 
tide  artist  could  conceive. 

Consternation  had  fallen  upon  the 
room.  The  spectre  at  the  head  of 
the  board  drew  its  inadequate  sheet 
closer  about  limbs  that  rattled  in  their 
sockets.  Thrice  it  essayed  to  speak 
and  could  not.  At  last,  "  What  form  is 
this,"  it  faltered,  "that  thus  intrudes 
upon  the  revelry  of  the  immortals?  We 


i  here  are  they  who  have  conquered  time 
|  itself,  tho  Christmas-Number  Ghosts, 
the  always-same,  who  know  not  change. 
By  what  right  dare  any  stranger  claim 
place  amongst  us  ?  Speak,  we  charge 
thee  !  Whose  ghost  art  thou  ?  " 

Then  the  Figure  spoke,  and  the  sound 
of  its  voice  was  as  though  all  tho  chasms 
of  the  earth  began  to  yawn.  "  Do  ye 
not  know  me  yet  ?  "  it  answered,  fixing 
its  haggard  gaze  upon  the  shrinking 
crowd.  "  Strange,  for  I  have  met  ye 
all,  many,  ay!  and  more  than  many, 
times  before.  Now  the  doom  is  accom- 
plished, and  I  myself  am  come  to  join 
ye.  /  am  the  ghost  of  the  gentle  reader 
whom  ye  bored  to  death." 


"Mr.  QuaiiU-h  paid  £.1,800  for  a  Mazarine 
Bible  and  sold  it  at  a  profit  which  would  astonish 
the  printer  of  it,  to  eay  nothing  of  the  authors." 
' 


It  certainly  seems  more  respectful  to 
say  nothing  of  the  authors.  We  com- 
mend The  Westminster's  restraint. 


M.'l 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   C1IA1UVA1M. 


[NOVEMBER   29,    1911. 


THE   GREAT   GUM  QUESTION 

"ARK  you  a  pro-Gum  or  an  anti- 
Gum?"  said  Jeremy.  "I  forgot  to 
ask  you  when  we  got  engaged.  Y.OU. 
mother  only  told  > me  that  you  had  a 
sweet  disposition." 

"  If  you  mean  what  do  1  think   ( 
this  ridiculous  servant-tax — 

"Anti-Gum,"     said    Jeremy, 
thought  so." 

"I  say  nothing  about  the  stamp- 
sticking.  You  '11  have  to  do  that  part." 

"I  was  going  to  put  up  Baby. 
She  'd  simply  love  it." 

"•What  I  complain  of,"  went  on 
Mrs.  Jeremy,  "  is  that  it  will  alter  the 
whole  friendly  relationship  between 
mistress  and  servant." 

"Oh,  do  you  think  it  will?  I  can 
see  it  bringing  you  and  Cook  even 
closer  together.  Nothing  brings  peo- 
ple together  like  a  common  grievance. 
Every  Saturday,  as  you  each  drag  out 
your  threepences,  you  will  tell  each 
other  what  you  think  of  LLOYD  GEORGE, 
and  by  the  time  you  have  finished  you 
will  be  awfully  friendly.  A  link  to 
bind  where  circumstances  part." 

"  Don't  be  so  silly." 

"  My  love,  when  you  have  a  new 
idea  presented  to  you,  you  mustn't  leap 
to  the  conclusion  that  it  is  a  foolish 
one.  It  is  a  fact  that  all  over  the 
country  just  now  mistresses  and  ser- 
vants are  writing  letters  together  to 
the  papers,  and  asking  each  other  how 
to  spell '  scandalous.'  By  the  time  the 
Bill  is  at  work  an  intimacy  between 
upstairs  and  downstairs  will  have  been 
established  that  nothing  but  death  can 
break.  As  for  Baby  and  me,  we  love 
Cook  anyhow,  and  I  think  she  loves 
Vis.  Gum  cannot  come  between  us." 

Mrs.  Jeremy  went  over  to  her  hus- 
band and  sat  on  his  knee. 

"  Jeremy,"  she  said,  pulling  his  hair, 
"  you  're  always  kind  and  generous  to 
me,  aren't  you?  " 

"  Always.  I  've  noticed  it  myself.  I 
say,  you  are  heavy." 

"  Well,  if  LLOYD  GEORGE  brought  in 
a  Bill  compelling  you  to  be  kind  to  me, 
wouldn't  you  be  indignant  ?  " 

•  Jeremy  frowned  and  gave  himself  up 
to  thought. 

"  Upon  my  word,  I  don't  know,"  he 
said  at  last.  "  It 's  so  easy  to  make  a 
gr  evance  out  of  the  word  '  compel ' ; 
but  it  doesn't  mean  much,  really.  You 
may  say  that  I  'in  compelled  to  pay 
income-tax  —  the  alternative  being 
prison.  But  it  'a  just  as  true  that  the 

•  •lerk  is  compelled  to  go  to  the  City 
nery  day  and  slave  from  nine  to  six — 
•in    akernaiive  being  the  workhouse. 
The  only  difference  between  the  two 

ises  is  that  prison  is  said  t0  be  the 
i:ore  comiortable.     After  all,  there  is  a 


law  compelling  mo  not  to  beat  you,  but 
I  simply  can't  j;cfc  indignant  about  it. 
I  don't  strike  my  chest  and  say, 
Scandalous!  As  though  any  decent 
man  would  beat  his  wife!" 

"  Oh,  I  can't  argue  with  you,"  said 
Mrs.  Jeremy,  "hut  I  know  1  'm  right." 

"  I  'm  not  arguing ;  I  'm  just  throw- 
ing out  ideas.  Something  will  emerge 
presently.  I  sort  of  vaguely  agree  with 
you,  you  know,  and  I  'm  trying  to  find 
out  why.  I  think  it  must  be  the  gum, 
after  all." 

"Well,  you  saw  what  The  Lancet 
said— that  all  sorts  of  contagious 
diseases  will  get  spread." 

"Did  it  really  say  that?"  cried 
Jeremy  excitedly.  "But  that  makes 
it  all  right,  dear.  Cook  is  bound  to 
catch  something,  and  then  we  begin 
to  get  our  money  back  at  once !  We 
insure  her  for  sixpence  a  week  against 
illness,  and  LLOYD  GEORGE  lets  her 
have  measles  on  the  very  first  Satur- 
day! It 's  too  good  to  be  true." 

"  And  you  said  you  loved  Cook !  " 

"  I  hope  I  can  approach  this  matter 
in  an  impartial  spirit,"  said  Jeremy  with 
dignity.  "  Why,  of  course,"  he  went  on 
eagerly;  "  now  I  know  what  I  objected 
to  in  the  scheme.  It  was  the  fact  that 
it  was  an  insurance." 

"You  did  know  it  was  called  the 
Insurance  Bill,  dear?"  said  his  wife 
meekly. 

"  I  am  insured,"  said  Jeremy,  dis- 
regarding her,  "  against  death,  fire, 
accident,  workmen's  compensation, 
burglary  and  hail.  We  have  been 
married  three  years  and  nothing — 
absolutely  nothing  has  happened.  Un- 
known to  myself  there  has  evidently 
been  growing  up  within  me  a  deep  dis- 
trust of  insurance.  I  must  have  told 
myself  that  the  thing  was  a  fraud. 
And  that  was  why  I  had  this  vague 
dislike  of  the  Servant  Tax." 

"  It 's  the  silly  bother  of  it  all  that  I 
mind." 

"  No,  no,"  said  Jeremy  eagerly. 
"  You  can't  put  me  off  now.  The 
thought  of  Cook  coming  into  the 
presence  of  a  licked  stamp  for  the  first 
time  in  her  life  and  catching  mumps 
has  made  a  new  man  of  me.  Bother  ? 
Nonsense!  Now  I '11  just  show  you." 
He  took  out  his  watch,  looked  at  it  for 
a  second,  and  said,  "Go!"  Then  he 
dashed  out  of  the  room  for  his  bicycle. 

In  five  minutes  he  was  back  again. 

"  Your  stamp,"  he  said,  producing  a 
sixpenny  one.  "  Four  minutes,  forty- 
nine  seconds.  In  a  month  or  two  I 
should  probably  do  it  quicker.  Of  course 
we  shall  want  more  than  one,  but  the 
postmistress  tells  me  that  you  can  buy 
three  or  four  in  a  row  with  equal  rapidity. 
Now  we  want  a  card  to  stick  it  on. 
Sticking  it  on  will  be  rather  a  solemn 


Business;  we  must  allow  plenty  of  time 
'or  it." 

"Oh,  Jeremy,  you  are  a  silly  !  " 

"  If  this  is  to  be  a  proper  rehearsal  I 
suppose  we  'd  better  have  the  servants 
u.  No?  Perhaps  you 're  right.  Cook 
mustn't  catch  anything  until  the  in- 
surance people  are  ready  for  her.  Now 
;hen.  I  shall  lick  this  first  one  .myself, 
and  afterwards  you  and  Baby  can  take 
alternate  Saturdays.  I  know  which 
side  to  lick  because  I  asked  at  the  post- 
office.  In  fact,  the  difficulties  simply 
melt  away  when  once  one  begins  to 
attack  them."  He  rolled  back  his 
sleeves,  moistened  the  stamp  and 
approached  the  card  stealthily.  "  Ob- 
serve !"  he  whispered. 

There  was  a  sudden  movement,  and 
then  Jeremy  withdrew  his  hand. 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  ho  said 
with  a  slight  bow,  "  I  thank  you  for 
your  kind  applause." 

"Jeremy,  you  baby,"  laughed  his 
wife. 

"Every  Saturday,"  said  Jeremy, 
summing  up  the  position,  "you  will 
place  four  adhesive  stamps  on  in  the 
manner  indicated.  It  will  take  you 
about  five  or  six  seconds.  I  shall 
ride  into  the  village  to  purchase  the 
stamps,  and  the  little  outing  will  do 
me  good.  You  and  the  staff  will  run 
down  LLOYD  GEORGE  together  for 
coming  between  mistress  and  maid, 
and  your  common  hatred  will  be  yet 
another  bond  between  you.  And, 
finally,  Cook,  after  her  first  bout  of 
whooping  cough,  will  be  completely 
reconciled  to  the  small  payment  of 
threepence  a  week.  If  these  are  not 
rare  and  refreshing  fruits  I  'm  blessed 
if  I  know  what  are." 

"You've  forgotten  one  thing,"  said 
Mrs.  Jeremy  obstinately. 

"  Probably,  dear.     What  is  it  ?  " 

"  That  I  know  I  'm  right." 

A.  A.  M. 


"Sir  William  paused,  breathing  hard.  The 
subject  was  wont  to  excite  him  more  than  any 
other.  Then  he  added:  'A  man  or  woman  who 
allowed  a  man  or  woman  to  many  his  or  her 
daughter  or  son  without  telling  him  or  her  that 
there  was  insanity  in  the  family  I  would  send  to 
1  enal  servitude  for  twenty  yeais.'  " 

"Daily  Mail  "feuilleton. 

There  is  a  spaikle  about  Sir  William's 
conversation  which  is  very  rare  now-a- 
days.  All  the  same,  if  there  wasn't 
insanity  in  the  family,  his  condemnation 
of  the  parents  for  not  saying  that  there 
was  might  be  considered  rather  severe. 

"Adjoining  the  kitchen  department  is  t!ie 
stove  room,  containing  a  large  refrigerator  with 
separate  compartments  for  meats,  poultry  and 
fish,  and  a  small  compartment  for  the  house- 
hold clerk."  —  Eii 


This  enables  him  to  keep  cool  in  an 

emergency. 


NOVKMHKK  -j!t,  i-.iii.  PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.  395 

THE    LAST    WORD    IN    COMMERCIAL    ENTERPRISE. 


"JJV-TIIE-BY,    DEAI1,    I   WANT    A    PACKET    OF   HAll'.-l'IXS.      LET'S 
<;ET  THEM   HERE." 


'I   THINK   I'LL   JUST  GO  AND  SEE   IF  'I  HERE '»   ANYONE   I   KNOW 
IN   IUE  CARD-ROOM."      "KlOHT  0— I'l.L  JUST   HAVE   100  IT." 


03^}.. 

•/     f^tf 


"WE'LL  LEAVE  Bounv  is  THE  NURSERY  FIRST." 


';Bv  JoVE!    WISH    I   COUU)  AFFORD   TO    D1MNK    STCKK    I.IKE   TIMS. 


"WON'DER     WHERE    THEY    GET    THEIR     FOIE-C.RAS.         Sl'ITO^E    IT 
WOULD   BE  BUDE  TO  A.SK." 


"TllF.llE    NOW!      I'VE    FORGOTTEN    THOSE    HAIH-I'INS   AFTER   AM.! 

>"I-:VER  .MIND,  WE'LL  ALL  COME  .VJAIN  TO-MORROW." 


WITH   THE   STRATFORD-ON-AVON    HUNT.-NO.   4. 

'IlEKK  WILL   BE  AN   OLD  ABUSING  OF   GOD'S   PATIENCE   AND  THE   KINO'S   ENGLISH."— J/C/TJ/   Jf'iveS  of  H'illdtor 


WILLIAM. 

(A  rather  unfortunate  Episode.) 
"  HE  pecks  the  gilded  confines  of  his  cage, 

He  eats  enormously  but  gets  no  fatter, 
He  answers  nothing  to  our  persiflage, 

He  who  was  warranted  to  chirp  and  chatter ; 
My  father  thinks  that  he  is  off  his  head, 

So  we  have  mewed  him  in  our  topmost  garret, — 
That  was  (in  substance)  what  Miss  Thompson  said 
About  her  parrot. 

And  I,  in  part  from  friendliness  with  her, 

In  part  from  anguish  for  the  poor  brute's  sorrow, 

Said,  "  I  will  do  my  best  that  voice  to  stir ; 
Have  him  sent  round  to  me  some  time  to-morrow." 

So  William  came. '   Most  anxiously  I  thought 
What  authors  he  would  like,  what  honeyed  words  heed, 

And  in  the  intervals  went  out  and  bought 
Sugar  and  bird-seed. 

At  last  I  cried,  "  The  Muse !  "  and  every  morn 
Sat  down  beside  the  bars  and  read  him  pieces 

Of  the  high  poets'  pages,  thumbed  and  worn, 
Battles  and  old  romance  and  kings'  deceases ; 

I  read  him  "  Thyrsis  "  and  I  read  him  "  Maud," 
BROWNING  and  KEATS,  and  every  favourite  writer, 

But  still  he  stuffed  and  still  his  cage  he  clawed, 
The  dashed  old  blighter. 

But  on  the  ninth  day,  as  I  droned  aloud 

Some  song  of  SWINBURNE'S  full  of  flowery  riot, 

There  seemed  a  lifting  of  oblivion's  cloud  ; 

He  closed  his  dexter  eye  ;  he  grew  more  quiet ; 

Some  change  in  that  wild  savage  heart  occurred ; 


He  seemed  to  say,  "  This  dumbness  was  dissembling  "  ; 
Almost  I  seemed  to  catch  the  golden  word ; 
His  mouth  was  trembling. 

But,  ere  he  spoke,  Miss  Thompson  took  him  back, 
And  I,  in  good  hopes  that  the  bird  was  better 

And  sure  to  find  again  the  long  lost  knack, 
Expected  hour  by  hour  some  thankful  letter ; 

And  then  I  met  Miss  Thompson  in  the  strest, 
And  unsuspectingly  took  off  my  bowler,— 

I  think  I  never  saw  a  face  so  sweet 
Look  quite  so  Polar. 

Worried  with  apprehensions,  faint  and  weak 
f  sought  her  brother  James,  a  rare  good  fellow, 

And  said  to  him  at  once,  "  Did  William  speak? 
Was  it  from  '  Atalanta  '  or  '  Sordello  '  ?  " 

And  James  replied  to  me  :  "  Some  British  tar, 

One  of  the  kind  whose  breasts  are  bronzed  and  oaken, 

Must  have  taught  William  first  in  days  afar ; 

William  has  spoken."  EVOE. 

"IIALDANE  CLUB 

NEW  UNIONIST   OlKiANISATlON  " 

says  The  Singapore  Free  Press,  always  first  with  the  news  ; 
but  apparently  it  is  still  uninformed  about  the  Asquith 
Club  for  the  repeal  of  the  Parliament  Act. 

From  an  advt.  in  The  Standard  of  the  Rifle  Brigade's 
Battalion  Orders  for  a  Sunday  Eoute  March  : — 

"Trains:  Met,  Ry.,  Baker-st,  10.3  a.m.  ;  Dist.  Ry.,  Mansion  House, 
fl.36.  Ry.  tickets  issued  at  drill  hall  on  Wed.  ;  members  who  cannot 
at  tend  please  apply  to  Or.  -Scrgt.,  stating  which  line  they  will  travel  by." 
Most  of  those  who  cannot  attend  will  probably  be  found 
travelling  by  the  Brighton  Line. 


NOVEMBEH  -J'.i,  I'.tll.] 


OR  TIII-:  LONDON  CIIAUIYAUI. 


393 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

K\  I  r..\i  -m>  n:n\i  mi:  l)i.M;v  m  TOI:Y.  M.I'. 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  \o-rm- 
lii't- •_:(>.  -Whatever  llco.l  ol  conviction 
may  swell  Uio  lircast  of  an  boDOOTtble 
Member  regarding  anotliei-  on  the) 
o:i|iu,ito  benches  it  is  a  gross  breach 
of  order  to  tell  him  tbat  be  lies.  JOHN 
I  MI  i, ON,  at  least  on  one  occasion, 
brusquely  broke  the  rule,  with  conse- 
quence that  he  was  suspended  from 
service  of  House  and  enjoyed  quite  a 
little  holiday.  There  are,  however, 
ways  familiar  to  old  Parliamentary 
Hands  of  safely  getting  out  of  the 
diiliculty.  To-night  LLOYD  GEORGE, 
in  one  of  frequent  protests  against 
perversions  of  the  principles  and  pro- 
posals of  National  Insurance  Bill,  deftly 
scored.  Denounced  particular  state- 
ment as  a  gross  patent  misrepresenta- 
tion. "  There  is,"  he  added,  "  a  shorter 
word  one  nrght  uso  and  it  would  be 
more  accurate." 

The  other  night  TIM  HEALY  proudly 
alluded  to  CHANCELLOR  OF  EXCHEQUEH 
as  "  My  boy,"  meaning  that  LLOYD 
GEORGE  had  studied  Parliamentary 
style  in  his  private  school.  \Vhikt 
the  pupil  may  be  promising  the  master 
retains  pre-eminence.  In  the  roaring 
Eighties,  when  Parnellism  was  in  full 
bloom  and  TIM  one  of  its  choicest 
petals,  C.-B.,  at  tho  time  an  Under 
Secretary  not  dreaming  of  the  Premier- 
ship, happened  to  drop  an  observation 
which  to  a  strictly  logical  mind,  consti- 
tutionally opposed  to  dereliction  from 
exactitude,  called  for  rebuke. 


Opposition  to  walk  waiih. 


It  was   a   difficult  one.     With    reeol-   duty,  to  improve  tho  Bill  by  moving 

lection  of  what  happened  when  dealing   amendments. 

with  Old  Age  Pensions,  if  Mioved  tin;       That     involved    close    study    of    a 

It  would  document  bristling  \\itb  allege  I  facts 
and  confusing  liguren.  They  created  an 
atmosphere  in  which  PIIINC  i:  Aim.i  it 
was  not  habitually  what  you  may  coll 
at  home.  Accordingly  I  •  i  task 

of  watching  Bill  from  Front  Opposition 
Bench   to    HAHIIV   FOIISTKU,  who   has 
accomplished  task  in  manner  that  adds 
greatly      to      budding     Parliamentary 
reputation.     As  for  Pitisci:  Aitrnun,  as 
-.11.  .11  as  House  got  into  Committee  on 
tho   Bill   he  strolled   out,   in   manner 
reminiscent  of  the  famed  strategist 
"  Who  fled  full  soon  on  tin1  limt  of  June 
And  lui'lc  the  re  t  kcc]i  lighting." 

Example  followed  by  majority  of 
Members  from  both  sides,  some  two 
score,  occasionally  throe,  remaining  to 
carry  on  work  of  tho  sitting. 

Marvel  of  prolonged  episode  is 
CHANCELLOB  OF  EXCHEQUER.  Not 
physically  robust,  he  has  not  shirked 
an  hour's  attendance  through  the  long 
tedious  wrangle.  True,  when  it  re- 
commenced to-day  he  showed  some 
sign  of  being  Ixjaten  at  last.  It  was 
our  old  friend  ALPHEUS  CLEOPHAS,  of 
whom  not  much  is  seen  or  heard  in 
these  dull  times,  who  did  it.  It  is  not 
only  in  Committee  that  burden  of 
the  Bill  rests  on  shoulders  of  CHAN- 
CELLOR. At  Question-time  Gentlemen 


never 


Our  oH  friend  Ai.riiEi:s  Ci.Korii.v."         on  both  sides  submit  conundrums  care- 
(Mr.  A.  0.  MOIITOX.)  f  ully  drafted  in  solitude  of  their  chamber, 

do  for  them  to  declare  open  ,  which  they  expect  him  to  answer  off- 
enmity  against  a  measure  affecting  tho  hand.  This  afternoon  ALPHEUS  CLEO- 
intercsts  of  millions  of  people,  most  of  PHAS  wanted  to  know  "  whether,  in 

"  I  know   very  well,  Mr.  SPEAKER,"   whom  had  votes,  and  those  that  had  •  Clause  14,  sub-section  (5)  (a),  page  14 
said   TIM,   turning   to   the   Chair   and  I  not  knew  others  who  had.     At  same  |  of  tho  National  Insurance  Bill  as  re- 
recognising  its  majesty  by  a  friendly   time  it  was  possible,  indeed  a  bounden   printed,  the  term  persons    ( 
nod,  "  you  will  not  allow  me  to 
call  tho  honourable  gentleman       , 
a  liar.     So  I  refrain  from  doing 
so." 

House  was  aghast.  Angry 
cries  of  "  Order  !  "  rcsa  from 
shocked  Ministerialists.  But 
TIM  had  measured  his  ground 
carefully.  SPEAKER  was  not 
able  to  call  him  to  order,  and 
he  proceeded  to  end  of  dis-  , 
course. 

Business  done. — In  Com- 
mittee on  Insurance  Bill. 

Tuesday. — Insurance  Bill  at 
last  out  of  Committee.  Mem- 
bers salute  the  happy  hour 
with  sigh  of  relief,  Ministerial- 
ists breaking  into  a  cheer. 
Been  a  terrible  time,  the  heat 
and  burden  of  it  borne  by 
something  like  a  score  of 
Members.  PRINCE  ARTHUR, 
whilst  still  with  us  at  the  post 
of  Leadership,  met  the  situa- 
tion with  charming  frankness.  THE  LION  AND  THE  UNICORN. 


firms,  and 

bodies  corporate  will  include 
grocers  holdingpatent  medicine 
licences  and  at  present  selling 
medicines  and  invalid  foods 
recommended  by  doctors  ?  " 

When  the  lists  were  re- 
opened and  the  tourney  recom- 
menced, the  CHANCELLOR, 
temporarily  knocked  over  by 
ALPHEI'S,  bucked  up  again. 
To  this  end  WILLIE  PEEL 
contributed  a  personal  attack, 
to  which  he  replied  with  vigour 
that  might  have  suggested  to 
the  uninformed  that  it  was 
his  first  and  only  speech  for  a 
fortnight.  This  effort  turned 
out  to  lie  prelude  to  long 
masterly  defence  of  the  clause 
which  brings  domestic  servants 
within  operation  of  proposed 
Act.  Rewarded  by  seeing 
Ministerial  majority  run  up  to 
146  in  a  Hou-e,  of  336. 

Business  done. — Insurance 
Bill  through  Committee. 


400 


PUNCH,   01!   THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.          [NOVEMBER  ai»,  ion. 


Friday. — Other  achievements  apart, 
PRINCE  ARTHUR'S  claim  to  renown 
ga:ned  at  Westminster  might  rest  on 
reforms  in  Parliamentary  procedure 
introduced  and  carried  by  him  when 
in  oflice.  None  other  has  done  so 
much  in  direction  of  making  House 
of  Commons  a  business-like  organisa- 
tion. There  was  one  new  departure 
taken  in  the  bloom  of  comparative 
youth  which  did  not  provo  a  success. 
It  should  be  added  that  it  did  not  take 
the  form  of  a  new  or  amended  Standing 
Order,  being  simply  a  personal  habit 
which  he  attempted  to  graft  upon 
Parliamentary  work  of  Irish  Secretary. 

When  PRINCE  ARTHUR  held  that 
office  the  Nationalist  Members,  or  such 
as  happened  to  be  out  of  prison  at  the 
moment,  worried  him  with  intricate, 
incessant  questions.  Process  of  inter- 
rogation and  answer  rarely  occupied  less 
than  half  an  hour.  Midway  through  the 
Session  it  occurred  to  him  that  answers 
having  been  prepared  in  the  Irish  Office 
there  was  no  need  why  the  manuscript 
should  be  read  aloud  by  the  CHIEF 
SECRETARY  in  person.  Looking  round 
for  a  big,  tall,  stalwart  person  capable 
of  undertaking  the  job  of  deputy,  he 
fixed  upon  KING-HARMAN. 

Experiment  did  not  last  long.  Par- 
nellites  roared  deprecation  when  the 
burly  figure  of  tho  Deputy  appeared  at 


Table.  "  BAI.KOUB  !  BALFOUU  !  "  they 
cried,  as  if  CHIEF  SECRETARY  were  a 
person  so  dear  to  their  hearts  that 
they  could  uot  endure  half-an-hour's 
unnecessary  separation.  So  CHIEF 
SECRETARY  was  compelled  to  be  in 


"The  PIUME  MINISTKI:  is  invariably  iu  his 
[ilace  at  question-time. " 

his  place  to  answer  questions.  As  for 
poor  KINO-HARMAN  he  never  recovered 
the  shock. 

After  an  interval  of  25  years  this 
experiment  is  renewed.  It  is  adopted 
not  by  a  single  Minister  but  by 
whole  galaxy.  Oddly  enough  IRISH 
SECRETARY  of  to-day  is  one  of  the  two 
exceptions.  SAINT  AUGUSTINE  BIRHELL'S 
golden  notes  are  still  heard  in  reply  to 
questions,  comparatively  few,  put  by 
Irish  Members  in  those  halcyon  days. 
PRIME  MINISTER  is  invariably  in  his 
place  at  question-time  and  itsually 
replies  in  person.  For  the  rest,  heads 
of  departments  turn  on  their  juniors  to 
read  replies. 

As  on  average  only  one  in  ten  of 
printed  Questions  daily  submitted  is  of 
public  interest,  the  new  custom  does 
not  perhaps  greatly  matter.  It  may 
1)3  well  to  make  a  note  of  it  for  the 
information  of  the  New  Zealauder,  of 
whom  we  hear  little  in  these  days, 
hut  who  is  understood  to  be  mak- 
ing his  way  slowly  to  the  vicinity  of 
St.  Paul's. 

Business  done. — Report  stage  of  Coal 
Mines  Bill.  On  Clause  dealing  with 
margin  of  safety,  Government  Majority 
drops  to  9.  • 


"SAINT  AUGUSTINE  BIKUEU.'S  golden  notes."  i 

(The  right  lion,  gentleman's  growing  rr- 
semblauce  to  the  well-known  statuette  of 
TiiAfKEiiAY  is  the  delight  of  a'.l  oliscrvcrs.)  j 


THE  ADVERTISEMENT 
NUISANCE. 

WHEN  at  the  District  station 
I  catch  my  morning  train 
And  find  behind  tho  portals 
A  melting  mass  of  mortals, 
Disgust  and  indignation 

Throb  fast  in  every  vein, 
When  at  the  District  station 
I  catch  my  morning  train. 


When  on  the  blatant  ceiling 

I  cast  a  bilious  eye 
And  read  its  rude,  crude  questions 
And  personal  suggestions, 
Still  fiercer  grows  the  feeling 

That  things  are  all  awry 
When  on  tho  blatant  ceiling 

I  cast  a  bilious  eye. 

Are  you  becoming  podgy, 
And  are  you  growing  plain? 

Has  your  once  manly  figure 

Begun  to  lose  its  vigour? 

Do  people  call  you  stodgy — 
Hint  water  on  the  brain  ? 

Are  you  becoming  podgy 
And  are  you  growing  plain  ? 

From  all  this  weary  welter 
Of  questions  coarse  and  cruda 

I  turn  with  wrath  infernal 

To  read  my  morning  journal, 

Expecting  there  a  shelter 
Where  one  is  not  pursued 

By  all  this  weary  welter 

Of  questions  coarse  and  crude. 

A  question-mark  gigantic 
-  Meets  my  disgusted  glare. 
Fain,  fain  would  I  ignore  it, 
But  I  am  stuck  before  it. 
My  fury  grows  more  frantic, 

My  eyes  are  glued  to  where 
A  question-mark  gigantic 

Meets  my  disgusted  glare. 

It  asks :  Are  you  attractive 
.i    And  can  you  fascinate  ? 
Attractive  ?     1  ?     Don't  speak  of  it ! 
Strap-hanging — oh!  the  cheek  of  it! 
My  nerves  become  more  active, 

And  as  I  grow  irate 
It  asks :  Are  you  attractive 

And  can  you  fascinate  ? 

Would  you  acquire  a  manner 
That  no  one  can  gainsay  ? 

It  may  for  half-a-guinea 

Be  learnt  by  any  ninny. 

Ten  shillings  and  a  tanner 
Is  all  you  have  to  pay 

Would  you  acquire  a  manner 
That  no  one  can  gainsay. 

Your  jests  have  lost  their  lustre  ? 

Your  quips  no  longer  flow  ? 
The  writer  guarantees  you 
Results  that  can't  but  please  you  : 
Again  your  friends  will  cluster 

Around  you,  even  though 
Your  jests  have  lost  their  lustre, 

Your  quips  no  longer  flow. 

And  thus  my  many  failings 

Are  evermore  rubbed  in. 
When  wifely  comment  ceases 
To  pull  me  all  to  pieces, 
On  hoardings,  prints  and  palings 

The  hateful  ads.  begin, 
And  thus  my  many  failings 

Are  evermore  rubbed  in. 


-.,  mil.]          PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON    OHAUIVAIU 


if  Visitor  (at  sttulio}.  •' WHAT  QUALITY  !  WHAT  ATMOSPHERE  !  WHAT "  Ool/ Mauiut.  "  WHAT  A  r.\i:i:v  !" 


'  A  LIMITED  SUFFEAGE. 

I  HAD  not  seen  Agatha  since  the  da'e 
of  the  great  announcement,  and  I  was 
not  altogether  surprised,  when  at  last 
I  did  meet  her,  to  find  a  purple,  white 
and  green  rosette  brandished  in  be- 
wildering  spirals  and  figures  of  eight 
hefore  rny  eyes. 

"  Now  what  havo  you  got  to  say  ?  " 
she  demanded,  her  eyes  sparkling. 

" Many  things,"  I  answered.  "It's 
a  nice  morning.  You  are  looking  well. 
How  is  your  Aunt  Jane  ?  ..." 

"  Who  said  I  should  never  have  a 
Vote?  Yah!" 

"  Dear  me,  has  anything  fresh  hap- 
pened ?  "  I  asked  innocently. 

"  Anything  'fresh  !"  she  almost 
shrieked.  "  Don't  you  know  that 
ASQUITH  is  going  to  pass  a  Universal 
Suffrage  Bill— One  Man  One  Vote— 
and  that  it's  to  1)3  left  to  the  Commons 
to  decide  whether  it  shall  apply  to 
Women — and  that  two-thirds  of  the 
Members  are  in  favour  of  Votes  for 
Women— and  that  means  that  all 
Women  will  havo  the  Vote — One 
Woman  One  Vote — and  that  you  jolly 
well  owe  me  a  hox  of  chocolates  ? 
But  of  course  you  know  it,''  she 
added,  when  she  had  found  her  breath 


after  this  gigantic  query.     "  You  were 
only  trying  to  hand  me  a  lemon." 

I  chuckled  noiselessly  in  my  sleeve — 
a  difficult  feat  which  requires  practice. 
"  This,  no  doubt,  is  very  gratifying  to 
you,"  I  said.  "  Most  gratifying.  And 
so  the  Government  have  not  behaved 
so  badly,  after  all?  " 

This  would  have  been  a  dangerous 
question  to  put  to  a  Militant  Suffragette,  j 
but  Agatha,  to  do  her  justice,  is  a  rea- 
sonable soul,  and  therefore  does  not 
always  follow  her  leaders.  She  acknow- 
ledged that,  considering  the  difficulties 
of  the  position,  the  Government  had 
behaved  wisely  and  even  generously, 
and  added,  characteristically,  that  they 
were  all  perfect  dears,  and  that  she ' 
would  like  to  kiss  every  one  of  them. 

"  But,  of  course,"  I  remarked  casually 
when  she  had  finished,  "  your  elation  ! 
is,  after  all,  quite  unjustified,  since  you ! 
personally  are  not  affected." 

(This  is  the  place  to  mention   that 
Agatha  was  twenty-seven  last  birthday. ' 
I  Know   ib ;  but  she   doesn't    know    I 
know.) 

"  Me  not  affected  ?  Of  course  I 
am,  silly !  I  shall  get  a  Vote  like 
every  other  Woman." 

"  Not  at  all,"  I  said  airily.  "  A-  ,t 
matter  of  fact  a  comparatively  in- 


significant number  of  old  ladies  \\ill 
get  the  Vote,  even  if  the  Commons  do 
as  you  expect.  Didn't  you  know,  or 
haven't  you  realized,  that  the  Govern- 
ment's idea  is  to  give  votes  only  to 
persons  over  twenty-five  years  of 
age  ?  " 

"  What !  " 

"Precisely.  Of  course  you  didn't 
think  of  that,  did  you  ?  No,  my  dear 
Agatha,  the  Bill  may  pass  and  you  will 
not  vote.  You  cannot  go  to  the  Polling 
Station  and  look  the  Presiding  Officer 
in  the  face  and  say, "  Behold,  1  acknow- 
ledge that  I  am  twenty-five.  Give  me 
a  Vote."  Few  women  could  do  that. 
Years,  Agatha,  will  pass  by,  and  you  will 
not  vote.  Empires  will  rise  and  fall, 
dynasties  will  be  swept  away,  and  you 
will  not  vote.  The  South  Pole  will  be 
reached,  aeroplanes  will  circle  the  earth 
in  two  days,  the  Cup  will  again  come 
South,  and  still  you  will  not  vote." 

It  was  some  time  before  Agatha 
could  speak.  "  Oil !  "  she  gasped  at 
length,  k"  1  think  they  're  the  meanest, 
meanest,  nu'iinfxt  set  of  pigs  on 
earth ! " 

To  prove  that  I  can  lie  magnanimous, 
I  shall  not  remind  her  for  a  few  days 
about  the  box  of  cigarettes  she  owes 
me. 


402 


PUNCH,   Oil   TI1K   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[NOVEMBEII   29,    1911. 


BEAUTY   ADORN  HI). 

THERE  is  many  a  true  word  spoken 
in  jest.  There  is  many  an  untrue  word 
spoken  in  love.  Aspodestera  had 
spoken  the  former,  when  she  said 
lightly  that  she  should  not  1)8  surprised 
to  hear  that  I  was  going  to  a  really 
good  tailor  for  my  next  suit  and  that 
right  soon.  She  had,'  I  feared,  spoken 
the  latte>:  when  she  called  mo. "her 
dearest  and  best."  No  woman's  dearest 
and  hest  could  be  clothed  in  the  kind  of 
clothes  which  she  said  that  I  was  then 
wearing, 

"  Pshaw !  "  said  I  (of  course  I  never 
really  used  a  word  like  that),  as  I  con- 
templated the  window  of  the  Bondiest 
of  Bond  Street  tailors,  THK  tailor,  in 
fact.'  1  marked  the  solitary  and  price- 
less trouser  length,  casually  draped  over 
a  lonely  pedestal  therein.  "  Pshaw  !  1 
will  not  be  an  (esthete ;  I  will  be  a 
man.  I  will  go  inside  and  tell  him  so." 

1  went  inside,  but  I  did  not  tell  him 
so.  • 

In  the  course  of  my  legal  career  I 
have  told  many  a  bigger  and  more  im- 
posing man  than  myself  that  ho  was, 
practically,  a  liar.  I  "have  "rebuked  a 
Judge  of  the  High  Court  to  his  face,  and 
I  have  made  my  way  undaunted  into 
the  very  House  of  Lords  and  there 
yawned  while  my  learned  leader  ex- 
pounded the  Law,  yawned  in  the  very 
presence  of  the  Woolsack  and  without 
troubling  to  put  my  hand  in  front  of  my 
mouth.  I  have  done  even  more  than 
that ;  I  have  kissed  Aspodestera  when 
she  was  not  only  unwilling  but  passion- 
ately prohibitive.  But  in  the  presence 
of  the  Tailor  I  was  overcome. 

"  I  have  come,"  I  said  meekly,  "  to 
be  measured  for  a  suit,"  and  thereupon 
I  was  measured  and  dismissed.  -  1  do 
not  suggest  that  I  was  approved  of.  I 
admit  that  I  was  not  very  willingly 
tolerated.  But  I  think,  on  the  whole, 
that  I  was  forgiven.  The  gentleman 
who  measured  me,  the  aristocrat  who 
made  a  note  of  the  dimensions,  and  the 
divinity  who  planned  a  cut-away  waist- 
coat and  referred  to  the  weather,  these 
informed  me,  in  language  without 
words,  that  I  was  disreputable.  I 
begged  them  to  believe  that  my  own 
wardrobe  had  been  stolen  or  burnt, 
leaving  the  choice  to  them,  and  that 
my  present  plumes  were  borrowed. 
Possibly  they  did  believe;  more  prob- 
ably they  forgave  me,  just  because 
they  were  sorry  for  me.  At  any  rate 
they  allowed  me  to  pass  out  of  their 
front-door,  taking  upon  themselves  all 
risk  of  the  disgrace  I  might  do  them. 

Returned  to  Aspodestera's  address, 
I  lowered  all  the  lights  in  the  sitting- 


room  and  arranged  myself  in  a  chair 
in  the  corner,  where  even  the  light  of 
the  fire  could  not  shine  on  me.  Then 
1  referred  to  the  painful  subject;,  and 
told  her  that  she  might,  if  she  liked, 
break  off  the  engagement. 

"  But  I  love  you,"  she  declared,  "  for 
yourself." 

"Then  yours,"  I  retorted,  "must  be 
a  love  as  pertinacious  as  it  is  blind. 
Even  so,  1  doubt  if  I  ought  to  allow 
the  worst  woman,  let  alone  the  best,  to 
attach  herself  for  life  to  so  loathsome  a 
spectacle  as  I." 

-"-  '/f  -"-  •"-  -:.- 

Ten  days  later  1  found  myself  in  the 
Bond  Street  sanctum,  and  surveyed 
with  incredulous  joy  the  reflection  of 
myself  in  the  mirror.  The  aristocrat 
and  the  divinity  were  in  attendance. 
The  gentleman  was  below-stairs,  en- 
gaged, by  special  request,  in  burning 
or  otherwise  destroying  for  ever  my 
cast-off  rags ;  an  unpleasant  job,  but 
to  him,  I  venture  to  think,  a  labour  of 
love. 

"Tell  me,"  I  said  to  the  divinity, 
"is  that  delicately  tinted  and  exqui- 
sitely shaped  image  which  I  behold — 
is  it  really,  my  own  ?  " 

"  May  I  ask,  Sir,"  he  answered,  "  are 
you  satisfied 'with  it?" 

"  Satisfied !  "  I  ejaculated.  I  was 
thinking  of  the  whole  picture,  he  of 
the  frame  only,  but  in  either  case  the 
word  was  inadequate.  "  Now  at  last  I 
appreciate  and  understand,"  I  said, 
"  the  depth  of  Aspodestera's  love  for  it." 
-,••  *  -::-  -::-  -::- 

I  turned  up  all  the  lights  in  Aspo- 
destera's sitting-room  and  placed  myself 
in  a  chair  in  the  most  central  and 
conspicuous  part  of  it.  All  that  was 
needed  to  make  things  complete  was 
the  limelight  full  on  me. 

"Aspodestera,"  said  I,  "I'm  not  so 
sure  that  I  shall  not  break  off  that 
engagement  myself." 

"Why?"  she  cried.  "Don't  you 
love  me  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  love  you  all  right,  but  I  feel 
perhaps  that  I  ought  to  do  better." 

She  seemed  hurt  that  I  could  even 
conceive  of  any  girl  being  better  than 
she.  She  was  right  to  be  hurt ;  there 
is,  and  could  be,  no  better. 

"Rather,"  I  said,  correcting  myself 
and  at  the  same  time  catching  sight 
of  myself  in  another  lucky  mirror,  "  I 
feel  that  I  might  be  doing  an  unwar- 
rantable injury  to  the  whole  of  your 
sex  if  I  gave  myself  to  one  member 
of  it  for  good." 


THE    CRWTH. 

[CYwtli— a   kind   of  violin   with   six 
formerly  much  used  in  AValcs.—  JJ icliima ry.] 

WHKN  Scottish  warriors  scale  the  scarp 
To  plaintive  pipes,  and  Erin's  ywth 

Still  proudly  point  to  Tara's  harp, 
How   is  it,    Wales,    you  spurn    the 
crwthV 

Your  Principality  may  boast 
A  leek-embla/.oned  flag,  but  'strwth, 

My  gallant  friend,  you  're  but  the  ghost 
Of  what  you'd  be  beneath  a  crwth. 

With  Cymric  zeal,  with  Druid  touch 
Your  bards  still  go  it  nail  and  twth, 

And  yet  the  instrument  they  clutch 
Is  simply  nothing  to  a  crwth. 

That  native  ire  your  Sagas  show — 
Compare  the  tale  of  Gdert's  slwth 

Had  disappeared  long  years  ago 
If  you  had  tuned  this  magic  crwth. 

And  Mr.  GEORGK,  Carnarvon's  joy, 
Might    well     have     lost    his    ways 
uncvvth 

Had  he  but  learned,  when  still  a  boy, 
To  calm  his  passions  on  a  crwth. 


"The  truth  of  Hurry  Vardon's  asseveration 
is  being  gradually  and  continually  forced  home, 
and  golf  will  soon  be  generally  regarded  as  'a 
funn'g  game. ' " — Daily  ( .'//  ro»  ich. 

Not  by  us. 


THE    LEARNER. 

"  You  see,  my  man,"  I  said,  "  this  is 
a  telephone,  and  you  speak  through 
here  and  listen  through  this,  and  if  you 
hear  what  the  man  at  the  other  end 
says  you  write  it  down,  and  if  you 
don't  you  tell  him  to  speak  louder." 

My  pupil  was  a  Territorial  Sapper, 
"  under  instruction "  in  the  Fortress 
Exchange  Office. 

"  Do  you  think  you  could  manage  to 
send  a  message  ?  "  I  said,  after  I  had 
spent  a  good  deal  of  my  valuable  time 
in  explaining  the  parts  of  the  rather 
tricky  "  20-line  Switchboard." 

"  I  think  I  could  try,  Sir,"  said  the 
man  as  he  took  up  the  receiver. 

"  What  is  your  job  in  private  life  ?  " 
I  asked. 

"  I  am  an  operator  in  the  National 
Telephone  Company,  Sir,"  he  replied. 
"  What  message  shall  I  send?  " 


"  In  it  I  have  a  record  of  the  gifts  I  have  given 
every  one  of  my  relatives  and  friends  for  the 
last  four  years,  and  there  are  enough  pages  left 
for  the  record  to  continue  for  another  four  years, 
allowing  four  years  to  the  l>age." 

Djiily  t'lironicle. 

How  many  pages  are  there  in  the  book  ? 
Quick !  .  .  .   Two — that 's  right. 


"To  LADIES. — Through  broken  cngagi-niriit, 
lovely  half-hoop  diamond  ring.  .  .  .  Alsu 
exceptionally  clever  pet  African  Grey  Talking 
Parrot." — Church  Times. 

Is  the  advertiser's  sudden  adoption  of 
the  Silent  Life  quite  wise  ?  So  com- 
plete a  change  may  be  too  much  for 
him  (or  her?). 


NOVEMBER  29,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THH    LONDON    CII  \1MVA1U. 


'•    ' 


CKMS    FROM    THH 
NOVELISTS. 


LADY 


"Sut  WILLIAM  PUNTZ  was  uuique 
among  racing  owners  not  only  because 
he  had  won  the  Derby  three  times 
running,  but  with  the  same  horse."- 
Froni  High  Stakes,  by  Virginia  Mas- 
tciman  (Bills  and  Boom). 

11. 

"  In  spite  of  the  heavy  sea  every 
corner  of  the  great  liner  was  searched, 
but  in  vain  :  no  trace  of  Lord  Lost- 
withiel  and  the  pretty  governess  could 
be  found.  At  last 'some  one  thought  of 
the  billiard  saloon,  and,  lo  an'd  behold  ! 
there  they  were,  deep  in  the  mysteries 
of  cork  pool." — From  It  was  a  Lass  of 
Our  Town,  by  Mrs.  Foljambe  Cross 
(Redding  and  Co.). 

in. 

"  No  sooner  was  the  lawyer  seated 
than    Jane,    the    neatest  -  handed    of 
Phyllises,  went  to  the  cupboard,  and 
bringing  from  it  a  seed   cake   and  a  i 
decanter  of  champagne  laid  them  on  ' 
the  table.     But  the  lawyer  assured  her 
mistress   that   he   was   in  no  need   of 
refreshment." — From  Folk  at  Middle-  \ 
bury,   by   Esther    Soper    (Drakeworth 
and  Co.). 

IV. 

"  Fastidious  even  in  the  merest  trifles 
Sir  Lucian  never  paid  less  than  a  shil- 
ling for  a  box  of  25  cigarettes,  nor  did 
he  ever  smoke  one  that  was  not  gold- 
tipped." — From  Sons  of  Mammon,  by 
Amabel  Fripp  (John  Broad). 
v. 

"  Lily  was  a  born  musician,  whose 
natural  talents  had  been  cultivated  by 
assiduous  study  with  the  best  masters. 
Like  a  good  bowler  she  had  an  absolute 
sense  of  pitch,  and  the  sound  of  her  rich 
contralto  voice  blending  in  consecutive 
fifths  with  the  booming  thorough-bass  j 
of  Signor  Squarcione,  was  enough  to 
make  St.  Cecilia  jealous." — From  Fickle 
Lily,  by  Evangeline  Lazcnby  (Blevver 
and  Blower). 

VI. 

"  A   scholar   o.f    rare  distinction   at 
Eton,   where    his    elegiacs    were    the 
despair  of  Mr.  A.  C.  BENSON,  Bertram  ' 
took   a   first  in  the  Greats  Tripos  at : 
Oxford,  and  putted  the  weight  for  the  i 
'Varsity  Golf  fifteen,   besides  playing  ' 
half  Mus.  Bac.  for  the  O.U.F.C.,  in  the  ' 
first   year   of   his   residence  at  Christ ! 
Church  College." — From  The  Ordeal  of  \ 
Bertram  liinyon,  by  Dorothy  Bagshot 
(Garbidge  and  Co.). 

VII. 

"  Ralph  Bickerstetb  was  the  idol  of 
the  Oval  crowd,  and  no  wonder.     In  ; 
the  crucial  test  match  against  Australia  i 


Keie  German  Gortfwat.  "Zo  MITH  KOK  /.IT  URKAT  CKNII-M.   AND  VAT  Aifo  !•>  ZK  N.VHK 

OK  ZE  OZZElt  CHEAT  CENII'S  ALWAY  GOl'I'I.ED   IX    Ol'U   MIM>f   WU  Sc'lHU-ER  I" 
Jlrtjinnlil.    "CHABYBDIS." 


he  had  won  the  rubber  by  a  lofty 
slashing  stroke  to  cover  point,  for 
which  the  batsman  ran  five  l>efore  it 
reached  the  boundary,  thus  scoring 
nine  at  a  blow." — From  The  li  olden 
Spoon,  by  Madeline  Pilditch  (Rummer 
and  Tliynne). 

VIII. 

"  Finance  was  Wilfrid'sfoible.  While 
lie  was  still  at  Harrow  he  kept  a  bucket- 
shop,  at  which  several  young  scions 
of  the  oldest  families  were  frequent 
customers,  and  at  an  age  when  most 
young  men  are  thinking  chiefly  of  socks 
he  had  achieved  the  proud  distinction 
of  being  hammered  on  the  Stock  Ex- 
change."— From  MIIII/'.I  Fifth  Husband, 
by  Ada  Pippit  (Bindells  and  Tosher). 

IX. 

"  Angus  Fiizalan  in  his  popular 
Oxford  days  was  known  as  'Henley' 
Fitzalan — a  sobriquet  he  had  earned 
by  the  never-to-be-forgotten  race  in 


which  he  won  the  Great  Challenge 
Cup.  The  ferrymen  of  thepictui. 
river-side  town  still  tell  of  the  terrible 
set  look  in  Angus's  eyes  as  lie  ki-pt 
them  fixed  on  the  distant  goal.  Even 
Mildred  on  the  bank  failed  to  attract 
his  attention,  though  you  may  be  sure 
she  did  her  best  to  convoy  to  him  her 
love  and  encouragement.  Rowing  nu-ii 
still  relate  with  a  noto  of  de?p  admir- 
ation in  their  tones  that  Fitzalan  pu'led 
a  greater  number  of  strokes  during  the 
race  than  bad  ever  l>een  pulled  before." 
—From  Winning  Throwjh,  by  H 
Fawley  (Horatio  Box). 


From  a  repost  of  the  Hawke-Olymjiic 
case: — 

"  What  miiwil  yi.iir  lieail  to  turn  to  port  ? 

In  1113  n|-iiii'-iiv.|. ;:  ii.  pure  mid  simple. 

YVc  have  noticed  this  phenomenon  at 
dinner,  when  the  ladies  have  with- 
drawn. 


404 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [NOVEMBER  29,  1911. 


FROM  A  MEDIAEVAL  "MORNING 
POST." 

To  MKIICEBS,  BRODERERS,  AND 
OTHERS.  We,  Arthur,  give  Notice  (to 
such  as  can  read  same)  that  we  will ' 
not  bo  responsible  for  any  more  Debts 
contracted  by  our  wife,  Guinevere. — 
(liven  at  our  Castle  at  Tintagel. 

To    SHY   LADYE. — Awaited  thee  by 
the  Moate  till  nigh  three  of  the  clock 
hut  received  nothing  hut  a  Drenching 
by  reason  of  the  Ladder  of  Rops  having 
i  most  mysteriously  given  way !    Truly 
I  this  is  not  the  Tryst  that  I  expected 
;md  I  am  like  to  die  of  Chagrin  ! — DIS- 
TRACTED TROUBADOUR. 

To  DISTRACTED  TROUHADOUR.— Get 
you  gone,  Maudlin  Minstrel !  I  like 
ihee  not  and  will  drop  boiled  Oil  upon 
thy  addled  Head  when  next  I  see  it. 
.Moreover,  my  Guardian  hath  sworn  to 
slit  thy  Gizzard  ;  so  beware  ! — SHY 
I  LADYE. 

To  GENTLES  AND  SIMPLES. — Isaac  of 

|  York,    having    recovered    from    recent 

operation  (dental),  gives  Notice  that  he 

will  advance  divers  Monies  to  Barons, 

Esquires  and   Gentlefolk   in'  need    of 

same  at  a  rate  of  Interest,  per  mensem, 

(hat  cannot  fail  to  occasion  Surprise. 

But  be  it  known  that  Isaac  holds  no 

commerce  with  Infants,  and  Churls  of 

';  base  degree. 

UNCOMELY   DAMSELS   AND   GENTLE- 

!  \VOMEN  rendered  beauteous   and  well- 

!  favoured   by    Mistress   Joane   at    her 

!  Parlour  in  Bonde  Street  in  Saint  James, 

where  all  manner  of  potent  and  rare 

Unguents  (Soape,  to  wit)  may  be  had. 

1  tended  Larde  for  the   complexion,  at 

no  more  than  two  groates  for  an  ounce, 

|  iind  superfluous  Hair  plucked  out  with 

,  all  the  ease  imaginable.     Testimonials 

!  from  Mimes,  Mummers,  and  all  manner 

of  Smart  Folk. 

MERLIN,  THE  PROFOUND  WORKER  OF 
WONDERS  and  Master  of  Sorcsrie,  ac- 
quainteth  Merriemakers,  Hostes,  and 
j  others  that  he  will,  for  an  Honorarium, 
j  attend  Banquets  and  Entertainments 
and  display  divers  Trickes  and  Wiles 
of  Legerdemain,  which  mystify  such 
as  behold  them.  Merlin  produceth  a 
living  Rabbit  from  Helmet  or  Casque, 
and  causeth  a  borrowed  Tester  to 
disappear  into  Space ! 

To  COUNTRY  FOLK  and  all  desirous 
of  viewing  London  and  the  sights 
!  thereof.  The  Blue  Lion  Inn  over  by 
I  Charing  is  the  most  easily  come  by, 
i  and  the  price  of  Board  and  Lodgment 
I  such  as  will  not  offend  any.  The 
:  Iloste  is  one  who  can  discourse  in  many 
!  strange  Languages  and  Tongues,  so 
j  that  he  can  be  understood  of  all.  A 
i  stout  Porter  conveys  Travellers'  Gear  to 
i  their  Chambers,  which  are  well-ordered; 
and  there  is  abundance  of  clean  bright 


straw  for  the  comfort  of  Squires  return- 
ing at  a  late  Hour. 

USEFUL  YARLET  seeks  employment 
with  Knight.  Is  well  proportioned, 
can  clean  Armour  and  understands  the 
loading  of  an  Arquebus.  An  abstainer 
from  Mead  :  moderate  Gages. 

WANTED,  a  Partner  (dormant)  who 
will  finance  advertiser's  unsurpassable 
Device  for  selecting  the  winning  Steeds 
at  Tourneys  and  Trials  of  Speed.  This 
isindeede  a  Mine  of  Golde,  and  nccdoth 
but  a  trial. — SIMPLEX,  Piccadilly. 


TALKS   WITH  VISIONARIES. 
THE  THEATRE  ARCHITECT. 

I  WET  him  first  years  ago ;  and  I 
remember  his  enthusiasm  and  fine 
ardour  as  he  outlined  his  intentions  ; 
remember  almost  his  exact  words,  so 
much  in  earnest  was  he. 

"  Yes,"  he  said,  "  I  am  going  to 
revolutionise  all  that  discomfort.  It 's 
so  simple  a  matter — once  you  can 
get  the  owner  of  the  theatre  to 
agree.  There  's  the  matinee  hat,  for 
example.  Women  won't  tako  them  off 
unless  they  are  made  to,  that 's  certain. 
The  idea  that  people  behind  either  can- 
not see  or  want  to  see  is  equally  foreign 
to  their  mind,  even  although  they  sit 
behind  an  impenetrable  barrier  them- 
selves. Women  in  swagger  hats  are 
like  that,  bless  them !  But  why  should 
they  take  their  hats  off  ?  If  architects 
did  their  duty  they  would  never  have 
to ;  because  a  large  part  of  the 
architect's  task  is  to  enable  one  row  of 
people  to  see  over  another  row's  heads. 
That  's  what  architects  are  for,  and 
that 's  what  I  shall  do.  It  merely 
means  giving  the  floor  of  the  stalls  and 
pit  a  steep  slope." 

"Then  why  isn't  it  done?"  I  asked. 

"Ah,  why?"  he  echoed.  "Because 
no  one  has  the  pluck  to  stay  away 
from  theatres  until  it  is,  chiefly,"  he 
replied.  "  Because  no  English  people 
out  for  entertainment  have  the  sense  or 
courage  to  combine,  having  the  terrible 
fear  that  while  they  are  combining  they 
will  lose  their  twopenny  -  halfpenny 
amusement.  And  then  the  gallery," 
he  continued.  "That  is  not  so  easy 
because  it  is  so  high  up.  The  stage 
being  above  the  pit  stalls  you  can 
guarantee  everybody  a  view ;  but  to 
do  so  in  the  gallery  you  must  reduce 
the  number  of  seats.  Do  you  know," 
he  said,  "  there  is  not  a  gallery  in 
London  from  which  everyone  who  has 
paid  for  a  seat  can  see  without  stand- 
ing, and  many  cannot  see  even  then. 
Yet  the  stupid  sheep  go  on  buy- 
ing seats.  No  combination,  again. 
In  order  that  everyone  may  see, 
sitting,  the  number  of  rows  must  be 
reduced  by  halt  at  least,  or  the  same 


rows  as  at  present,  with  alternate  seats 
and  blanks.  Then  no  one  would  he 
immediately  behind  anyone  else.  I  am 
interested  in  this  because  I  have  been 
to  so  many  galleries  myself  and  havo 
suffered  enough.  Nothing  like  personal 
knowledge.  Have  you  ever  watched  the 
difference  in  the  way  that  a  barmaid 
and  a  barman  open  a  bottle  of  Bass  ? 
The  barmaid,  who  doss  not  drink  Bass, 
or,  if  she  does,  lias  never  thought 
whether  or  not  it  was  clear,  shakes 
the  bottle  and  empties  it.  The  barman, 
who  knows  the  nature  of  beer  in- 
stinctively, is  careful  with  it  and  does 
not  pour  out  the  lees.  It  is  the  same 
with  our  profession.  Those  of  us  who 
have  lived  in  uncomfortable  houses  can 
design  comfortable  ones;  those  who 
have  visited  theatres  where  the  cheaper 
public  cannot  see  will  try  to  improve 
their  conditions. 

"Then, again,"  he  continued,"!  shall 
arrange  that  people  can  enter  and  leave 
the  stalls  without  putting  everyone 
near  them  to  inconvenience  and  even 
pain.  It  merely  means  a  little  less 
profit  for  the  manager,  that  is  all." 

"  Yes,"  I  echoed,  gloomily  as  a  Dean, 
"  that  is  all.' 

"  But  you  don't  think  so  poorly  of 
managers  as  that  ?  They  '11  do  very 
well,  especially  when  it  is  known  that 
the  theatre  is  so  comfortable." 

"And  yet," I  said, "the  uncomfortable 
theatres  are  crowded  to-day." 

His  face  fell  a  little,  but  be  soon 
recovered ;  and  so  he  went  on,  touching 
on  various  other  points  connected  with 
theatre  construction — safety  under  fire, 
and  so  forth — all  proving  how  curiously 
this  branch  of  building  has  remained 
stationary  while  all  kinds  of  enterprise 
have  been  shown  in  others. 

Well,  as  I  say,  that  was  many  years 
ago,  and  I  lost  sight  of  him  completely, 
although  I  remembered  his  words. 
Last  week  I  saw  him  again.  Curiously 
enough,  he  had  been  in  my  thoughts 
very  recently,  for  I  had  been  in  a  five- 
shilling  seat  at  Covent  Garden  to  see 
the  Russian  dancers,  and  being  at  the 
side  and  everyone  else  in  the  same  rows 
having  to  stand  I  had  to  stand  too. 
It  was  the  next  day  that  I  saw  him. 
I  had  to  visit  the  St.  Pancras  Work- 
house on  business,  and  I  noticed  a 
familiar  face.  It  was  my  visionary 
among  the  inmates. 


"Tlie  fireman  in  eharge  took  the  small  parly 
round,  and  one  of  the  figures  to  which  the.guiaJB 
vailed  special  attention  was  tlie  wax  elligy  of 
Dr.  Sun  Yat-scu  himself.  ' That, ' said  the  lire- 
man,  'is  the  chief  of  the  Chinese  insurgents,' 
never  thinking  lie  was  talking  to  the  original  of 
the  figure." 

Messrs.     TUSSAUD    won't    thank     The 
Daily  Mail  for  this. 


'NHL    Oil   TIIK    LONDON    CH  AIM  V  A  |;[. 


THE   RESOURCES   OF   THE    RACE. 

fillti:    "Iv    YOU    H.KASK,    Ml'M,    MAY   I   (!O  -  " 


x       ,T 
M\    AlM.s, 


VEIIV  WK"'  >|A'AM- 


"1'  "AVE  "EEX   WITH  ME  Y01'  "AVE  nEE*  AW*V  TO  THE   FUXEIIAI*   Or  TWO   HOTHg,:,,  VOl'R  rXC,.F.S 
WISH   YOU   CLEARLY   TO    r.NDEHsTAM.  THAT   I   WILL   HAVE   NO   MOKE    HEATHS   IX    You:    FAMILY." 

l  WA<  <""*"  T0  A«K  vor  IK  1  CM-LI.  IIAVK  AX  Horn  OFF  THIS  AKTKIIMK.X  TO  *KK  MY 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Sta/ of  Learned  Clerks.) 
Tun  chief  reason  why  I  found  myself  (with  the  best  will 
in  the  world)  unahle  to  enjoy  Mr.  WILLIAM  DF,  MORGAN'S 
latest  novel,  A  Likely  Story  (HEINEMANN),  is  that,  while 
the  characters  are  as  lifelike  as  ever,  the  story  in  which 
they  figure  is  too  wildly  unlike  anything  even  remotely 
possible.  You  know  what  Mr.  DE  MORGAN'S  people  arc 
by  this  time,  and  their  engaging  practice  of  using  just 
the  inconsequent,  ungrammatical  speech  of  real  human 
beings.  That,  and  their  author's  quaint  trick  of  reporting 
them  phonetically,  have  endeared  them  to  countless  readers. 
But  to  find  all  these  jolly  and  companionable  folk  mixed  up 
in  a  stupid  story  about  a  picture  that  talks  is,  for  me  at 
least,  simply  exasperating.  Not  content  indeed  with  the 
loquacity  of  the  original  painting,  Mr.  DE  MORGAN  wants 
us  to  suppose  that  even  amateur  photographs  of  it  become 
endowed  with  the  same  power  of  speech.  Well,  as  I  say, 
i  'm  sorry,  but  I  really  can't  quite  stomach  it.  Of  course 
1  appreciate  the  fact  that  the  whole  thing  is  only  a  kind  of 
joke  on  the  author's  part  at  the  expense  of  his  critics. 
They  blamed  him,  he  says  (in  a  personal  epilogue,  which  is 
lar  the  most  entertaining  chapter  in  the  book),  for  deserting 
Victorianiam  in  favour  of  historical  romance:  very  well, 
tli'  n,  in  the  present  work  he  will  combine  the  two  methods 
by  means  of  a  mediaeval  picture  that  enters  into  the  life  of 
a  modern  household.  The  drawback  to  this  pleasantry  is 


that,  intended  to  confound  the  critics,  it  will  inevitably 
confound  the  unoffending  public  a  vast  deal  more.  Hut 
now  that  Mr.  DE  MORGAN  has  had  his  retort  we  may  hope, 
in  the  nam9  of  all  those  to  whom  his  peculiar  gifts  are  very 
dear,  that  "  it  never  can  happen  again." 

I 

When  I  say  that  Penny  Xonyptnity  (SMITH,  ELDEH)  is 
a  novel  of  Scotch  character,  you  will  possibly  exclaim, 
with  my  very  cordial  agreement,  that  both  the  theatre  and 
the  libraries  have  lately  bad  more  than  a  sufficiency  of 
Scotland.  But  be  reassured.  Penny  is  Scotch  with  a 
certain  difference  ;  and  MAHY  and  JANE  FINDLATER'S  book 
about  her  contains  scarcely  a  dozen  lines  of  what  coul-l  be 
called  dialect.  I  am  very  sorry  after  this  to  have  to  add 
that  its  humour  is  pawky ;  but  really  this  is  the  only  word 
for  the  peculiar  sparkling  dryness  that  informs  all  the 

|  Misses  FINDLATER'S  writing,  and  invests  even  their  most 
commonplace  characters  with  individuality  and  charm. 
(Perhaps  one  should  write  it  charrrm  !)  So  many  of  these 

|  characters  are  introduced  during  the  ample  and  leisurely 
course  of  the  tale  that  it  is  quite  impossible  to  mention  all 

j  of  them,  or  to  retell  their  story  in  any  detail.  One  figure 
however  stands  out  in  my  memory:  Lorin,  the  frail,  whim- 
sical boy  whom  Pen  loves  throughout,  whose  long  hair  and 
outlandish  ways  are  such  a  perplexity  to  Ins  Scotch 
relatives,  and  who  eventually  migrates  to  Paris,  and  ends 
up  as  a  journalist  in  Australia.  When  I  tell  you  that  his 
other  name  was  Weir,  and  that  at  one  time  he  speaks  of 


4C(i 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[No\KMHj:a  29,  1911. 


the  memory  of  his  native  land  "  haunting  him  like  a  pas-   all  blemishes  of  form,  not  of  matter;  that  one  is  judging 
sion,"  you  will  perhaps  agree  with  me  that  the  authors  ;  not  by  one's  real  but  by  one's  confounded  literary  standards  ; 


might  have  called  him  liobcrt  Louis  without  making  the  .  that  the  whole  thing  gains  in  significance  by  the  very 
likeness  to  a  great  original  much  more  obvious.  In  any  'crudoness  of  the  workmanship.  There  is  here  no  touch  of 
case  his  is  a  figure  new  to  fiction,  and  one  that  gives  the  genius  of  a  MAKIE  CLAIRE,  hut  a  rather  clumsy  record 

of  a  pathetically  groping  aspiration  and  of  a  very  fine  and 
splendid  courage  in  the  face  of  overwhelming  odds.     There 


a   figure   new 
distinction  to  an  interesting  and  capitally  written  book. 


A  fortunate  reader,  happening  upon  The  Centaur  (MAC-  \  is  in  particular  a  detailed  description  of  the  way  in  which 
MILLAN)  might  well  delight  himself  in  it  but  yet  hesitate  to  '  —-1—  ---   -' :j.-ui-     — i.—  it-       •  m  ,   .,     ., 


recommend  it  to  his  friends. 
to  his  poor  opinion  not    of 


His  hesitation  would  be  due 
the  book  but  of  the  friends. 

Alone  he  must  be  captivated  by  the  exquisite  dream  of 

Mr.  ALGERNON  BLACKWOOD  ;  but  in  the  cold  atmosphere  of 

later  conversation  he  might  not  dare  to  set  others  upon  the 

perusal  of  so  much  psychology,  philosophy,  even  religion, 

relieved  by  so  little  of  strong  love  interests  or  comic  situa- 
tions.   Taking  all  risks  and  with  - 

no  reservations,   I  insist  upon  ! 

the  splendour  of  the  history  and 

the  beauty  of  the  idea  of  this 

book.   It   is   the   story   of  one  j 

man's  soul ;  not  that  big,  white, , 

fragile  darling  and  spoilt  article,  | 

over     which   the    modern    de-  j 

cadent   does  so  much  and    so  j 

tiresomely  CDiicern  himself,  but  j 

the  universal  spirit  of  youth  and 

Spring,  Earth  and  beauty,  which 

is  born  in  all  men,  prematurely 

dies  or  is   deliberately  crushed 

in    most,    and    remains     vital 

and  dominant  only  in  such  sim- 
ple "mad"  fellows  as  Terence 

O'Mallcy.    It  is,  I  say,  a  dream  ; 

it  is  a  thesis,  an  argument,  a 

protest,    almost    a   sermon   on 

the  simple  life ;  yet  above  all  it 

is  a  tale,  a  tale  of  adventure, 

and  a  very  good  tale,  too,  most 

delicately  and  dramatically  told. 

How  The  Centaur  comes  into  it 

is  Mr.  BLACKWOOD'S  secret ;  he 

will  divulge  it   at  exactly  the 

right  moment  to  all  who  will 

give  ear  to  his  message. 

Not  for  a  long  time  has   a 
hook  so  intrigued  me  as  One  of 


XIII.— A 

A    NEW    SYSTEM 


OF   nUEATHINO. 


under  an  inequitable  system  the  middleman  exploits  the 
handicraftsman ;  while  the  paralysing  effect  of  the  con- 
stant fear,  and  the  not  infrequent  fact,  of  being  out  of  work 
is  grimly  realised.  No  one  who  cares  to  un  lerstand  realities 
should  fail  to  read  this  book.  lie  will  not  wonder  why  for 
one  such  acorn  that  wins  its  oakhood  there  are  so  many 
twisted,  broken  or  uprooted  saplings.  He  u-ill  wonder 
what  he  would  himself  have  made  of  Morocco  Street.  .  .  . 

Not   literature,    but  something 
much  more  important. 

Mr.  ST.  JOHN  LUCAS  is  an 
author  whose  work  I  have 
long  watched  with  interest. 
Amongst  other  things,  he  has 
written  the  best  verse  about 
Oxford  of  our  generation,  and  at 
least  one  unusually  clever  novel. 
He  has  now,  in  Saints,  Sinners, 
and  the  Usual  People  (BLACK- 
WOOD)  proved  his  mastery  of 
that  rarest  and  most  difficult 
literary  form,  the  really  good 
short  story.  Not  of  course  that 
the  twelve  tales  in  this  volume 
are  all  of  the  same  high  level 
of  achievement.  They  aren't. 
But  several  of  them,  notably 
"Expeditus''  (the  story  of  a 
luggage  label  that  became  a 
saint),  and  one,  my  personal 
favourite,  called  "  The  Diary  of 
a  Short-Sighted  Man,"  seem  to 
me  as  good  as  anything  of  their 
kind  in  English.  A  book  that 
contains  the.co,  and  such  an 
exquisite  little  piece  of  word- 
painting  as  "  The  Demeter  of 
Cnidos,"  has  more  than  justi- 
fied its  existence  as  pure 


THE  WORLD'S  WORKERS. 
PHYSICAL  CL'LTUKE  EXPEKT   HOPING  TO  INVENT 


the  Multitude  by  GEORGE  ACORN  (HEINEMANN).  It  describes  literature;  while  for  the  reader  to  whom  pure  literature 
the  progress  of  a  slum-child,  by  incredibly  hard  and  squalid  is  rather  an  uncomfortable  and  alarming  thing  to  handle 
ways,  to  the  comparative  haven  of  a  self-respecting  and  there  is  "  The  Statue  of  the  Commander"  to  make  him 
self-supporting  manhood,  shadowed  with  all  the  anxieties  smile,  and  "  The  Gorgon's  Head  "  to  make  his  flesh  creep. 


of  irregular  employment  and  increasing  responsibilities. 
For  a  while  I  could  not  bring  myself  to  believe  in  the 
authenticity  of  it  all,  and  even  thought  that  the  susceptible 
Sage  of  the  College  Window,  who  writes  an  introduction, 
was  himself  by  way  of  hedging  when  he  wrote :  "  I  have 
reason  to  believe,  indeed  to  know,  that  the  record  is  literally 
and  exactly  true."  Anyway,  a  higher  critic  could  readily 
prove  the  thing  a  crude  and  stupid  forgery,  with  its  trivial 
inexactitudes,  its  palpable  improbabilities,  the  obvious  sug- 
gestions of  derived  as  against  direct  observation,  and  such 
profoundly  false  "literary"  touches  as  "The  way  my 
mother  divided  the  loaves  and  fishes  has  left  ma  a  devout 
believer  in  the  miracle  of  the  Galilean  Sea"  —  this  of  a 
mother's  capable  distribution  of  a  daily  dole  from  the 
Guardians  ot  two  loaves  of  bread  added  to  the  "  occasional 
kipper  or  haddock  and  touch  of  butter"  bought  by  the 
family.  But  suddenly  one  realises  that  the  blemishes  are 


It  is  no  use  my  trying  to  tell  you  the  plot  of  any  one  of 
these,  because  (except,  perhaps,  in  the  last,  which  is  frankly 
sensational,  and  works  up  to  a  climax  that  you  had  better 
not  read  just  before  going  to  bed)  the  matter  of  Mr.  LUCAS'S 
tales  is  of  far  less  importance  than  their  manner.  They 
are  always  quite  obviously  the  work  of  a  poet  who  is  also  a 
scholar;  which  is  just  what  gives  them  their  peculiar 
quality  and  distinction.  It  will  be  interesting  to  see 
whether  the  trade  tradition  that  short  stories  never  sell 
will  be  falsified,  now  that  the  experiment  has  bc^n  made 
with  such  excellent  materials. 


"The  Avo:'k.s  at  IVllii  have  swallowed  n]>  a  large  portion  of  the  funds 
available  for  the  conversation  of  British  and  Mahoinedan  iiionimicni-.   — 

'I'iin'  ,s'  i>/'   1  :nl  ii' . 

A  pity,  as  this  sort  of  "conversation"  might  lead  to  some 
really  interesting  reminiscences. 


D*  I:MI:KK  0,   1'Jll.j 


ITNCII,   OR   Till)    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


407 


The  incident,  by  the  way,  tends  to 
confirm  the  theory  that  in  the  States 
there  is  far  less  formality  about  the 
dispensing  of  justice  than  in  our  old- 1 
fashioned  country. 


Tin: 


SCAl.LS  OF 
JUSTICE. 


[An  <>ir.r  luu  been  nude  l>y  theCovrntor  of 


ViigiuU  tua  iiiiiidi-rer  to iMmtfioue hi* «• 
.••ntli  if  lie  confMM.] 

Monarchs  from  the  Inside  "  is  the       YESTERDAY  the  trial  was  concluded 
title  of  an  article  in  T.l'.'s  Weekly.  This   of   William   Brakepeace,  for   burglary 
sounds  curiously  like  the  reminiscences  and  assaulting  the  police, 
of  a  gentleman  who  has  boen  dined  off       Prisoner's  counsel,  who  declared  that 
by  a  Cannibal  King.  his    client    was    a    man    of    stainless 

*„,*  •  character  and  could  prove  a  complete 

"Practical   gifts   rather   than  orna-  [alibi,  offered,  hov.wcr,  to  plead  guilty 
mental,"  The  Ej-prcxs  informs  us,  "  arc  to  the  minor  charge  if  that  of  burglary 


CHARIVARIA. 

A  LADY  novelist  lias  a  capital  grudge 
against  Mr.  LLOYD  GKOKC.I:  witli  his 
servant  stamps,  for  ho  has  succeeded 
in  making  a  certain  passage  in  a  book 
of  hers  which  appeared  before  the  Bill 
was  printed  quite  ridiculous.  "Poor 
Martha,"  she  wrote,  "  was  a  typical 
domestic.  She  had  the  servant  stamp 
all  over  her."  ^  .., 

Several  German  newspapers  informed 
their  readers  that  the  German  Govern- 

ini -lit  intended  to  insist  on  Great  j  likely  to  be  in  demand  this  Christmas."  was  not  proceeded  with.  After  some 
Britain  sacrificing  Mr.  LLOYD  GEOHGE  'This  emboldens  us  to  express  the  wish  bargaining  the  negotiations  broke  down. 
as  formerly  M.  DELCASSE  was  sacrificed.  I  that  the  anonymous  admirer  who  on  Prisoner  elected  to  give  evidence,  and 
People  over  here,  however,  do  not  seem  ;  previous  occasions  has  so  kindly  sent  deposed  that  he  was  nowhere  near  the 

place  where  he  was 
arrested.  The  case 
was  one  of  mistaken 
identity.  He  would 
willingly  plead  guilty 
to  a  few  minor  charges 
—  forgeries,  persona- 
tions and  things  of 
that  sort,  or — wait  a 
moment  —  he  would 
pay  £25  into  court  if 
this  would  square  the 
matter.  No  ?  Well, 
£30  ?  £35  ?  Really, 
he  didn't  know  what 
Courts  were  coming 
to!  Here  was  a 
chawnst  of  making 
money  instead  of 
spending  it.  £40?  At 
£40— going!  Well, he 
would  make  the  Court 
a  fair  offer — he  would 
throw  in  two  diamond 
rings  and  a  lady's  gold 
watch,  blame  him ! 

The  foreman  of  the 
jury   hero    interposed 
with    the    suggestion 
that,  if  the  prisoner  would  plead  guilty 
to   arson,  they  would   make  a  strong 
recommendation  for  mercy. 

The    torpedo-gunboat    Spanker    has       After   consultation   with   his    client 
been  in  hospital  at  Sheerness,  a  mer-  prisoner's  counsel   rejected   this  offer 
chant  steamship  having  struck  her.  The  with  contempt  and  indignation, 
cause  of  the  quarrel  has  not  transpired,  spner  relied  on  his  unblemished  reputa- 
*.,*  I  tion  and  the  common   honesty  of  the 

Inside  a  large   cod-fish   which   was  :  British  juryman. 

caught  off  Queenstown  Harbour  last  I     Here  his  lordship  retired  to  bargain 
week  was  found  a  leather  purse  con-   with  both   counsel.      As  a  result 
taining   two   sixpenny  pieces.      It   is   prisoner  withdrew  his  alibi  and  pleadc 
thought  that  the  cod  may  have  been  a  guilty  to  both  charges,  on  the  unde 


to  have  credited  the 
rumour.  Anyhow, 
Consols  failed  to  rise. 

MI-.MASTERMAN  has 
ottered  a  prize  to  the 
first  of  his  con- 
stituents who  gains 
the  maternity  benefit 
.under  the  Insurance 
Act;  but  this  must 
not  1)6  taken  as  an 
expression  of  belief 
that  Mr.  LLOYD 
GEORGE'S  measure 
will  never  become  law. 

A  new  vessel  which 
has  just  been  ordered 
for  our  Navy  is  to 
be  called  The  Daisy. 
Frankly,  we  consider 
the  mildness  of  this 
name  a  mistake.  If 
recourse  must  he  had 
to  the  plant  world,  we 
would  suggest  that 
such  names  as  The 
Forget  -  me  -  not,  The 
Stinging  Nettle,  The  Prickly  Pear,  or 
even  The  Dandelion,  are  far  better 
calculated  to  strike  terror  into  the  heart 
of  the  enemy.  ...  ^ 

The  statement  made  by  the  Earl  of 
DENBIGH  at  a  dinner  the  other  day  to 
the  effect  that  mankind  could  now  bo 
divided  into  three  species  —  man,  wo- 
man, and  the  chauffeur  —  has,  The 
Autocar  informs  us,  given  offence  to 
many  respectable  mechanicians.  Why 
anyone  should  object  to  being  called  a 
Superman  we  are  at  a  loss  to  understand. 


The  Bandit.  "TAKE  YOUR  LAST  LOOK  ox  THE  NUN  HIKE  KOII  BELIKE  YOU  WILL  NE'ER 

SEE  ANOTHER." 

The  Captirc.  " INDEED,  I  TRUST  NOT.     IT'S  THE  FIRST  I'VE  SEEN  AND  I  CONSIDER 

THAT  AS  A   SPECTACLE   IT   IS   CROSSLY  OVERRATED,    WHILE  THE  COLD   IS   INTENSE." 


A  Missouri  judge  has  been  fined 
£50  for  pulling  the  nose  of  another 
Missouri  judge.  It  remains  to  be  seen 
whether  this  penalty  is  heavy  enough 
to  prevent  the  practice  spreading 
among  the  more  wealthy  judges  of  the 
district. 


us  such  a  pretty  Christmas  card  will 
this  year  oblige  with  a  500-ton  yacht,    j 


poor  relation  of  a  gold-fish. 

•    * 


standing    that,   if    he    produced 
per  cent,  of  the  missing  jewellery,  tl 
In  its  account  of  ''the  recovery  of  the  ;  sentence  would  not  exceed  six  months' 

stolen   Fra  Angelico,  a  contemporary  ,  imprisonment. 

says  that  the  Chief  of  Police  on  receiving 

the  news  "  kissed  the  lucky  detectives 

on  both  cheeks."    Before  we  called  the       .. 

detectives  lucky  we  should  require   to    1)ag  decided   to  accent  •  peerage  »t    the 

see  a  portrait  of  the  Chief  of  Police.        v,  .n-.--—  TY//IM  <•/  /**<«     ' 


Reform  of  the  House  of  Lords. 

Thf  ^(./(/  j^^  sUte,  th,t  Mr*.  A*iuith 


iuit 

Xr 


VOL.  ex  LI. 


A  A 


408 


PUNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[UECEMBKK  6,  1911. 


A  CROWN    OF   SORROWS. 

THESE  is  something  on  my  mind,  of 
which  I  must  relievo  myself.  If  1  am 
ever  to  face  the  world  again  with  a 
smilo  I  must  share  my  trouble  with 
others.  1  cannot  bear  my  burden  alone. 

Friends,  I  have  lost  my  hat.  Will 
the  gentleman  who  took  it  by  mistake, 
and  forgot  to  leave  his  own  in  its  place, 
kindly  return  my  hat  to  me  at  once  ? 

I  am  very  miserable  without  my  hat. 
It  was  one  of  those  nice  soft  ones  with 
a  dent  down  the  middle  to  collect  the 
rain ;  one  of  those  soft  hats  which 
wrap  themselves  so  lovingly  round  the 
cranium  that  they  ultimately  absorb 
the  personality  of  the  wearer  under- 
neath, responding  to  his  every  emotion. 
When  people  said  nice  things  about 
me  my  ha^would  swell  in  sympathy; 
when  they  said  nasty  things,  or  when 
I  had  had  my  hair  cut,  it  would  adapt 
itself  automatically  to  my  lesser  re- 
quirements. In  a  word,  it  iitted — and 
that  is  more  than  can  be  said  for  your 
hard  unyielding  bowler. 

My  hat  and  I  dropped  into  a  hall  of 
music  one  night  last  week.  I  placed 
it  under  the  seat,  put  a  coat  on  it  to 
keep  it  warm,  and  settled  down  to 
enjoy  myself.  My  hat  could  see 
nothing,  but  it  kriew  that  it  would 
hear  all  'about  the  entertainment  on 
the  way  home.  When  the  last  moving 
picture  had  moved  away,  my  hat  and  I 
prepared  to  depart  together.  I  drew 
out  the  coat  and  felt  around  for  my 
Where  on  earth  . 


'    I  was  calm  at  first. 

"Excuse  me,"  I  said  politely  to  the 
man  next  to  me,  "  but  have  you  got 
two  bats?  " 

"  Several,"  be  replied,  mistaking  my 
meaning. 

I  dived  under  the  seat  again,  and 
came  up  with  some  more  dust. 

"  Someone,"  I  said  to  a  programme 
girl,  "  has  taken  my  hat." 

"  Have  you  looked  under  the  seat  for 
it  ?  "  she  asked. 

It  was  such  a  sound  suggestion  that 
I  went  under  the  seat  for  the  third 
time. 

"It  may  have  been  kicked  further 
along,"  suggested  another  attendant. 
She  walked  up  and  down  the  row 
looking  for  it  and,  in  case  somebody 
had  kicked  it  into  the  row  above, 
wsilked  up  and  down  that  one  too  ;  and, 
in  case  somebody  had  found  touch  with 
it  on  the  other  side  of  the  house,  many 
other  girls  spread  themselves  in  pursuit ; 
and  soon  we  had  the  whole  pack 
hunting  for  it. 

Then  the  fireman  came  up,  suspecting 
the  worst.  I  told  him  it  was  even 
worse  than  that — my  hat  had  been 
stolen. 


He  had  a  flash  of  inspiration. 

"  Are  you  sure  you  brought  it  with 
you?  "  he  asked. 

The  programme  girls  seemed  to  think 
that  it  would  solve  the  whole  mystery 
if  I  hadn't  brought  it  with  me. 

"Are  you  sure  you  are  the  fireman?" 
I  said  coldly. 

He  thought  for  a  moment,  and  then 
unburdened  himself  of  another  idea. 

"Perhaps  it 's  just  been  kicked  under 
the  seat,"  he  said. 

I  left  him  under  the  seat  and  went 
downstairs  with  a  heavy  heart.  At  the 
door  I  said  to  the  hall  poi'ter,  "  Have 
you  seen  anybody  going  out  with  two 
hats  by  mistake  ?  " 

"What's  the  matter?"  he  said. 
"  Lost  your  hat?  " 

"  It  has  been  stolen." 

"  Have  you  looked  under  the  seats  ? 
It  may  have  been  kicked  along  a  bit." 

"  Perhaps  I  'd  better  see  the  manager," 
I  said.  "  Is  it  any  good  looking  under 
the  seats  for  him  ?  " 

"  I  expect  it 's  just  been  kicked  along 
a  bit,"  the  hall  portsr  repeated  con- 
fidently. "  I  '11  come  up  with  you  and 
look  for  it." 

"If  there 's  any  more  talk  about 
being  kicked  along  a  bit,"  I  said 
bitterly,  "  somebody  trill  be.  I  want  the 
manager." 

I  was  led  to  the  manager's  room, 
and  there  I  explained  the  matter  to 
him.  He  was  very  pleasant  about  it. 

"  I  expect  you  haven't  looked  for  it 
properly,"  he  said,  with  a  charming 
smile.  "Just  take  this  gentleman  up," 
he  added  to  the  hall  porter,  "  and  find 
his  hat  for  him.  It  has  probably  been 
kicked  under  one  of  the  other  seats." 

We  were  smiled  irresistibly  out,  and 
I  was  dragged  up  to  the  grand  circle 
again.  The  seats  by  this  time  were 
laid  out  in  white  draperies  ;  the  house 
looked  very  desolate ;  I  knew  that  my 
poor  hat  was  dead. 

With  an  air  of  cheery  confidence  the 
hall  porter  turned  into  the  first  row  of 
seats.  .  .  . 

"  It  may  have  been  kicked  on  to  the 
stage,"  I  said,  as  he  began  to  slow 
down.  "  It  may  have  jumped  into  one 
of  the  boxes.  It  may  have  turned  into 
a  rabbit.  You  know,  I  expect  you 
aren't  looking  for  it  properly." 

The  manager  was  extremely  sym- 
pathetic when  we  came  back  to  him. 
He  said,  "Oh,  I'm  sorry."  Just  like 
that — "  Oh,  I  'm  sorry." 

"  My  hat,"  I  said  firmly,  "  has  been 
stolen." 

"  I  'm  sorry,"  he  repeated  with  a 
bored  smile,  and  turned  to  look  at  him- 
self in  the  glass. 

Then  I  became  angry  with  him  and 
his  attendants  and  his  whole  blessed 
theatre. 


"My  hat,"  I  said  bitingly,  "  has  been 
stolen  from  me — while  I  slept." 

You  must  have  seen  me  wearing  it 
in  the  dear  old  days.  Greeny  brown  it 
was  in  colour  ;  but  it  wasn't  the  colour 
that  drew  your  eyes  to  it — no,  nor  yet 
the  shape,  nor  the  angle  at  which  it  sat. 
It  was  just  the  essential  rightness  of  it. 
If  you  have  ever  seen  a  hat  which  you 
felt  instinctively  was  a  clever  hat,  an 
alive  hat,  a  profound  hat,  then  that  was 
my  hat-  and  that  was  myself  under- 
neath it.  A.  A.  M. 


CRICKETS    ON    THE    HEARTH. 

[A  joyous  anticipation,  inspired  by  reading 
just  below  a  letter  from  Mr.  AI.MIED  At'si  IN  on 
the  Servant  Tax,  ]>rinted  in  Tin-  Ecmlurt  K?vs, 
an  effusion  signed  i;M.  WAI  Kr.it  (Cook)  and 
R.  CAI-.TEI:  (Housemaid)."] 

THUCE  to  the  wrongs  and  the  rights  o' 
the  matter ! 

Plague  on  their  pesky  Bill ! 
Susan,  author  of  pies  and  batter, 

Puddings  that  please  or  kill, 
Wielder  thou  of  the  whitened  roller, 
Never  before,  since  anxious  molar 
Trod  on  a  crust,  wast  thou  controller, 

Cook,  of  the  poignant  quill. 

Thine  to  pluck  the  Michaelmas  gander 

Down  in  the  basement  grot ; 
When    disturbed,   with    a   wholesome 

candour 

Letting  us  hear  what 's  what : 
Shrined  about  with  condiments  herbal, 
Now  and  again  thy  sauce  was  verbal, 
Ah  !  but  never  the  Muses'  burble 
Troubled  thy  tranquil  lot. 

Now  thou  sbalt  cast  aside  the  sorrel, 

Chervil  and  mint  and  rue  ; 
Thine    are    the    bays    and    thine   the 
laurel ! 

As  for  the  stuffed-up  flue, 
Goodness  knows  !  for  the  god  estranges 
Hearts  that  were  set  on  kitchen-ranges, 
Fires  the  soul,  and  for  chops  exchanges 

Nectar  and  honey-dew. 

Yes,  oh  yes,  in  The  Times  or  Mom  ing 

Post  1  shall  shortly  scan 
(Half  of  an  inmost  page  adorning) 

Pa?ans  by  Mary  Ann  ; 
No,  not  longahalt  thou  deign  to  tarry  at 
Humdrum  prose,  Eliza  Harriet ; 
Look  at  the  flaming  youth  in  his  chariot ! 

Follow  the  pipes  of  Pan ! 

Only  when  thou  hast  turned  the  inner 

Taps  of  the  fount  divine, 
Don't  forget  we  should  like  our  dinner 

Punctual  (we  who  pine 
Darkling   here),   and   that   steaks   are 

eaten, 
Patties    and     puffs     and     all     things 

wheaten  ; 

Pound  the  lyre,  but  let  Mrs.  BEKTOK 
Mi*  with  the  Sacred  Nine. 

EVOE. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  OHARIVART.-DK(KMBKB  G,  1911. 


. . 


A  THING  OF  SHREDS  AND  PATCHES." 


INSUUANCI:  BILL.  "MY  LORD.  I  KNOW  YOU'RE  NOT  ALLOWED  TO  KILL  ME;  BUT 
PLEASE  DON'T  MANGLE  ME  MORE  THAN  YOU  CAN  HELP;  I'VE  HAD  A  DEUCE  OF 
A  TIME  ALREADY  AT  THE  HANDS  OF  MY  RESPECTED  PARENT." 


••"J.  • 


THE    ELECTRIC   AGE. 

( Will  it  cause  a  Strike  ?) 

'•WHAT  WITH  THE  GUVNOR'S  TKI.KI-IIONE  AND  THE  Missus's  HOT  PLATE  ASD\\\-»  MAiir.i.'s  NEW  ELECTRIC  TOASTER,  BREAKFAST 
is  NOW  ONE  I.O.NU  BLOOMINU  Hi'iiULK-isArE."— Jeamcs's  Iftlcr  to  a  friend. 


THE  RIGHT  MEN  IN   THE    EIGHT  PLACE. 

(Following  naturally  on  the  appointment  of  Mr.  Charles 

Brookfield  to  the  Assistant  Censorship  of  Plays.) 

THE  Rev.  F.  B.  MEYER  has  been  unanimously  elected 
Vice-President  of  the  National  Sporting  Club. 

The  new  Secretary  of  the  Beefsteak  Club  will,  it  is 
rumoured,  be  Mr.  EUSTACE  MILES. 

The  latest  name  added  to  the  list  of  the  Insurance  Com- 
missioners is  that  of  the  Editor  of  The  Daily  Mail,  whose 
work  in  connection  with  the  Servant-Tax  is  well  known 
to  the  public. 

Mr.  ASQUITH  has  been  offered  and  has  accepted  the  post 
of  Honorary  Treasurer  to  the  Women's  Social  and  Political 
Union. 

Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE,  though  an  exceedingly  busy  man, 
j  will  shortly  take  up  his  duties  as  Advisor  to  the  Tax- 
Payers'  Protection  Association. 

Lord  ROSEBERY  has,  it  is  said,  regretfully  declined  the 
Assistant-Librarianship  of  the  British  Museum,  although 
lie  had  "  a  burning  desire  to  accept  it." 

Mrs.  PETHICK  LAWRENCE,  as  soon  as  her  present  duties 
will  permit,  will  take  up  an  Agency  for  the  Plate -Glass 
Insurance  Company. 

The  Dean  of  ST.  PAUL'S,  after  much  persuasion,  has  at 
last  consented  to  join  the  staff  of  Punch. 


From  a  concert  advertisement : — 

'•  Of  Slmmann  Mr.  knows  all  that  he  need  know." 

All  the  same  somebody  ought  to  tell  him  about  the  "c." 


A  COLD   WELCOME. 

O  WINTER  of  the  seamed  and  frosted  faco 
(Speaking  in  metaphor),  you  come  upaco — 
Which  in  December  often  is  the  case. 

Yes,  you  are  coming,  welcomed,  I  suppose, 
Only  by  fools  and  hunting  men  and  those 
Who  ski,  etc.,  on  Alpine  snows ; 

Not  welcomed,  I  assure  you,  by  the  Bard, 
Who  hates  the  cold  and  finds  it  jolly  hard 
To  warble  when  asthmatic  and  catarrh 'd ; 

Who  lives  in  torment  all  the  season  through 

Because  the  axis  of  the  world  is  skew 

(The  fuct  which,  I  am  told,  accounts  for  you). 

Happy  I  hose  plutocrats  who  at  this  time 
Speed,  like  the  swallows,  to  a  warmer  clime. 
There  to  remain  till  latish  Spring.     How  prime! 

Happy,  thrice  happy  WARNER'S  little  band, 

Sent  out  to  look  for  ashes  in  the  land 

Of  kangaroos  and  sheep  and  things.     How  grand  ! 

Not  mine  such  luck.     Still,  since  by  some  strange 

freak 

Our  axis,  as  I  mentioned,  is  oblique, 
And  will  not  shift  itself  for  me  who  speak ; 

Since  I  was  not  deemed  good  enough  for  "  Plum  " ; 
Since  there  's  no  earthly  use  in  looking  glum  ; 
Since  you  are  coming — why,  then,  dash  it,  come! 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER   G,    1911. 


POTTED  PAPERS. 

After  "  The  Eyewitness  "  (Mi:  Bclloc). 

FOREIGN  AFFAIRS. 

NOWHERE  are  the  drawbacks  of  Rota- 

tivism  more  frequently  displayed  than 

in  the  conduct  of  our  Foreign  Policy,  i 


jfaction;    while  BF.N,  the  famous  super, ;  never  drinks  cocoa.    Failing  Mr.  BLUNT 

*"  L^eie  a 


OF   THE    WKEX. 

The   new  Naval  appointments  have' 
been  greeted  with  the  usual  chorus  of 


Lord  ROSEBERY,  with    that   knack   of   commandeered  approval.    But  what  are 


glossing  over  unpleasant  facts  with  a 
literary  varnish  which  is  his  sole  title 


the  facts'?  Admiral  BRIDGKMAN  is  a 
Freemason,  PRINCE  Louis  OF  BATTKX- 
BERG  is  a  German  spy,  and  Captain 


to   distinction,   called    it  "  Securing   a 

continuity  of  foreign  policy."  In  plain  PAKENHAM'S  great  grandfather's  third 
language  it  is  simply  a  case  of  sharing  cousin  married  a  lady  whose  name  was 
the  spoils  of  office.  Under  our 
so-called  democracy  certain 
families  monopolise  diplomacy 
— not  the  RUNCIXIANS  (and  I 
confess  that  no  man  with-  such 
an  awful  name  ought  ever  to 
hold  high  office)  or  even  the 
LLOYD  GEORGES,  but  the  LANS- 
DOWNES  and  the  GREYS.  Lord 
LANSDOWNE  has  at  least  the 
advantage  of  a  strain  of  French 
blood  in  his  veins.  GREY  has 
nothing  beyond  his  name,  his 
nose,  which  proclaims  his  Sem- 
itic origin  in  trumpet  tones,  and 
bis  gigantic  wealth,  derived  from 
his  corrupt  management  of  the 
North  Eastern  Railway  when 
he  was  out  of  office.  Beside 
his  colossal  malversation  LLOYD 
GEORGE  sinks  to  the  level  of 
a  petty  pilferer.  The  CHAN- 
CELLOR OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  only 
robs  servants,  but  our  Foreign 
Minister  plunders  potentates. 

FROM  THE  EGYPTIAN. 
Seven   wealthy  towns   contend 

for  HOMER  dead 
Through  which  the  living  HOMER 

begged  his  bread  ; 
And  England,  scorning  BLUNT, 

the  modern  HOMER, 
Bestows  a  peerage  on  that  brute 

Lord  CROMER. 

THE  FOLLIES. 

It  is  curious  to  note  the  re- 
action of  politics  on  the  playhouse.  Miriam  Boodle.  Under  agenuine  system 
Even  Mr.  PELISSIEU  cannot  escape  the  of  representation  such  appointments 
execrable  infection  of  the  House  of  would  be  impossible,  but  the  abdication 
Commons.  It  is  or  ought  to  be  the  duty  of  theHouse  of  Commons  leaves  us  with- 
of  the  Opposition,  as  represented  at  the  out  any  engine  of  control  over  the  in- 
Apollo  Theatre  by  Mr.  LEWIS  SYDNEY,  to  terests  of  a  group  of  atheistic  plutocrats, 
oppose.  Instead  of  which  he  habitually 


IN 


CANDOUR 
LIFE. 

1ml     ne'er   1  efori 


COMMERCIAL 
HIGH 

["Tilings   often    thought, 
pi  i  >s,xl."  —  Jfisrjitotutioa.'] 

I. — Poor  Niece  to  Rich  Uncle, 
MY  DEAR  UNCLE, — To  thinkthat  nexi 
i  Tuesday  I  shall  be  twenty-one! 
jl  can   hardly  realii?3  it,   but  I 
hope  you  will  be  able  to. 

Ever  your  affectionate  niece, 
JANET. 

II. — Poor  NcpJicw  to  same 

Rich  Uncle. 

MY  DEAR,  UNCLE, — I  have  not 
forgotten  your  last  generous 
Xmas  present.  There  will  be 
another  of  these  quaint  cere- 
monies on  December  25th  this 
year. 

Now  and  then  and  always 
your  affectionate  nephew, 
JOHN. 

III.— Husband  to  Wife. 
MY  DEAR  GIRL, —  ....  When 
I  return  home,  I  intend  to  bring 
you  a  little  offering  of  some  sort. 
On  the  one  hand  my  business 
can  1)3  made  to  take  me  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  Bond  Street, 
but,  on  the  other  hand,  there  are 
some  of  just  the  roses  you  love 
at  Covent  Garden. 


A   TERRIBLE   SITUATION. 

THIS  GENTLEMAN  HAS  "  BONE  WITH  DOCTORS"  AND  IS  SUB- 
SCRIBING TO  "EVETiYONE  HIS  OWN  MEDICINE-MAN  "  IN  FOKT- 
NIOHTI.Y  TARTS.  HE  HAS  JUST  DISCOVERED  THAT  HE  HAS  ALL 
THE  SYMPTOMS  (AND  MORE)  OK  I.UMBAflO,  WHEN  THE  INSTAL- 
MENT ENDS,  AND  HE  Ml'ST  WAIT  A  FtlHTNK:HT  FOR  THE  crilK. 


plays  up  to  Mr.  PELISSIER  in  a  manner 
worthy  of  a  Portuguese  or  Anglo-Sem- 
itic Rotativist  at  his  worst.  The  only 
explanation  that  I  can  offer  of  this 


abdication  of  his  function  is  that  Mr. 
SYDNEY,  as  his  very  dubious  Christian 
name  implies,  is  the  salaried  hireling  of 


We  rejoice  to  see  that  Mr.  AUBREY 
HERBERT  has  been  returned  for  South 
Somerset.  As  between  "  Liberals  "  and 
"  Conservatives  "  we  feel,  as  our  readers 
know,  the  tired  impartiality  of  those 
who  see  through  the  footling  game. 


Wife  to  Husband  (telegram). 
No  flowers,  by  request. 

IV. — Wedding  Invitation 
(New  form). 

Captain  and  Mrs.  PERCIVAL 

BROADBACK 
request  the  pleasure  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  SMYLIE'S 
Company,  at  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter 
MARGARET 

To  Lieutenant  JOHN  BOWLER  GRI:I:NT 
at  the  Oratory,  Brompton,  and  after- 
wards at 
16,  Hyde  Gardens,  W. 

N.B. — IT  'S  YOUR  PRESENT  THEY  WANT. 


"They  purloined  the  coffee  room,  ami  tc 
away  several  .silver  articles." 

' 


Policeman  (to  Suspicious 


But  Mr.  HERBERT  is  a  man  of  some ;  Now  then,  what  have  you  got  in  that 


the  ROTHSCHILD  ring.     Miss   MURIEL  independence  of  character  and  culture,  j  bag  ? 


GEORGE,  a^ain,  whose  surname  renders  I  He  is  a  poet  and  has  read  the  poets 
her  gravely  suspect,  betrays  in  every ;  of  the  Pleiade  in  the  original  French ; 
inflection  of  her  voice  the  influence  of  I  he  is  more  interested  in  picaresque 
the  CADBURY  -  CARNEGIE  -  ROWNTREE ! romance  than  in  free  libraries;  and  he 


S.  C.  :   Only  the  washing,  guv'nor. 

Policeman  :  Washing  be  blowed  !  If 
there  's  not  a  coffee  room  in  there  I  '11 
eat  my  boots. 


D,:C,:.M,.,:UI;,  ion.]  PUNCH,   Oil   TI I K   LONDON   CHAIMVABI. 


413 


TRACTS   THAT   TOOK   THH 

WRONG  TURNING. 

i. 

ONCE  upon  a  time  there  was  a  small 
tradesman  named  John  Stons.  He 
was  an  honest,  hard-working  man,  who 
did  his  best  to  make  both  ends  meet 
and  support  his  wife  and  threo  Email 
children.  But,  try  as  he  might,  custom 
left  his  shop,  while  to  make  things 
worse  his  assistant  robbed  him,  and 
he  found  himself  one  morning  with 
only  ten  pounds  between  himself  find 
tlio  bankruptcy  court.  His  debts 
amounted  to  over  thirty  pounds,  and 
more  stock  was  needed. 
:  In  his  despair  he  went  for  a  walk 
and  chanced  to  meet  an  old  school- 
fellow named  James  Smith.  "  Hullo, 
John,"  said  James.  "  why  do  you  look 
SD  glum?"  John  told  him.  "It  is 
lucky  you  met  me,"  was  the  reply,  "  for 
I  've  got  a  tip  for  the  races  to-morrow 
which  can't  fail.  Take  my  advice. 
Put  your  ten  pounds  on  it." 

John  Stone  had  never  made  a  bet  in 
his  life  and  he  was  reluctant  to  do  so 
now,  but  at  last  he  let  James  persuade 
him,  and  the  next  morning  handed  him 
the  ten  pounds. 

All  that  day,  until  the  news  of  the 
race  reached  London,  John  Stone  was 
in  an  agony.  He  darod  not  look  his 
wife  in  the  face,  and  in  his  business 
was  so  absent-minded  that  his  few 
customers  thought  he  must  bo  ill.  At 
last  he  saw  a  boy  rushing  down  the 
street  with  a  paper,  and  calling  to  him 
lie  bought  one  and  feverishly  tore  it 
open.  His  horse  had  won — at  20  to  1. 
John  Stone  had  made  £200;  and  that 
night  James  brought  him  this  sum 
together  with  the  £10  he  had  wagered. 

John  Stone  immediately  paid  all  his 
debts,  acquired  some  new  and  attractive 
slock,  and  at  once  began  to  prosper; 
and  he  is  now  the  owner  of  a  row  of 
shops.  He  is  also  a  respected  town 
councillor  and  churchwarden.  In  spite 
of  all  temptation  to  do  so  ho  never  made 
another  bet. 

ii. 

Henry  Martin  had  been  brought  up 
by  his  parents  as  a  strict  teetotaler, 
and  until  his  twenty-fifth  year  he  re- 
mained so.  Then  one  evening  ho  went 
to  a  smoking-concert  and  was  induced, 
much  against  his  will,  to  drink  a  glass 
of  whiskey  and  soda-water.  That  was 
thirty  years  ago,  and  the  taste  so 
disgusted  him  that  he  has  never  re- 
peated the  experiment. 

ill. 

George  Dundas  was  also  brought  up 
as  a  strict  teetotaler,  being  taught 
not  only  to  look  upon  alcohol  as 
poison,  but  upon  thoss  who  took  it  as 


OUR    MAMMOTH    STORES. 


Shopman.  "EXCUSE  ME,  MADAM,  BUT  AM  I  NOT  KIGHT  is  I'KKMMIXG  YOU  IUMK  FROM 
I-UE  TOY  DEPAUTMKST!"  Lady.  "CEKTAIM.Y.    WHY!" 


Shopman.   "  WOULD  YOU  VEIIY  KINDLY  DIIIECT  ME  TO  IT! 

THERE  AND   I 'VE   LOST   MY   WAY." 


I'M  ONE  or  THE  ASSIMAM- 


sinners.  One  day  he  was  dared  by  a 
companion  to  drink  a  glass  of  beer,  and 
rather  than  be  called  a  coward  ho  did 
so.  He  was  astonished  first  to  find  it 
agreeable,  and  secondly  not  to  be  rolling 
about  the  floor  after  drinking  it  in  a 
state  of  beastly  intoxication,  or  lurching 
home  to  boat  his  wife  and  throw  his 
children  out  of  the  window.  The  con- 
sequence was  that  the  next  evening  he 
took  another  glass,  and  has  enjoyed  his 
beer  regularly  ever  since  and  is  now 
a  hale  old  man  of  ninety-seven. 

IV. 

Thomas  Sand  and  Arthur  Wheeler 
were  two  village  lads  who  lived  near  to 
each  other  and  always  walked  to  and 
from  school  together.  One  day  they 
noticed  that  Farmer  Brown's  orchard 
gate,  which  was  usually  locked,  was 
open,  and  they  peeped  in.  Just  in  front 


1  of  them  was  a  tree  covered  with  beau- 
tiful ripe  apples.  They  looked  in  all 
directions  but  no  one  was  in  sight,  and 
'  in  a  few  moments  the  boys  had  shaken 
'  down  enough  apples  to  fill  their  pockets 
and  were  again  in  the  road  enjoying 
the  plunder.  Just  as  they  turned  the 
corner  whom  should  they  meet  but 
Farmer  Brown  with  his  big  whip.  Ho 
looked  at  the  apples  they  were  munch- 
ing and  recognised  th?:n  as  his  own. 
"  Hullo,  you  young  Socialists,"  he  said, 
with  a  laugh.  The  boys  grew  up  to 
positions  of  trust  and  arc  now  J.P.s. 

Colonial  Expansion. 
"The  last  published  iiimilwr  of  Murrrl*  nf 
/A--  Euipiit  is  notnlili-  for   ...   its  photograph* 
of  the  moon." — 7' 

Germany  must  be  content  with  its  place 
in  the  sun. 


414 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER   6,    1911. 


THE  SONGS  OF   PANTOMIME. 

Now  that  the  days  are  growing 
short,  while,  on  the  other  hand,  the 
nights  lengthen,  it  is  time  to  turn 
our  thoughts  to  the  Pantomime  Song. 
In  what  mellifluous  words  will  the 
Principal  Boy  woo  the  favours  of  the 
high  gods  ?  With  what  surging  chorus 
will  the  Wicked  Uncle  set  the  gallery 
in  a  roar  ?  By  what  insidious  strain 
will  the  Princess  extract  salt  tears  from 
the  uppe.v  circle  ?  And  so  on. 

All  these  questions,  and  many  others, 
can  be  answered  to-day. 

The  Principal  Boy  will  this  year 
have  a  wide  choice  of  Ballads  of 
i  Passionate  Devotion,  hut  we  venture 
:  to  prophesy  that  none  will  prove  more 
justly  popular  than  the  refined  and 
haunting  composition  entitled  "  Love 
Only,"  of  which  the  following  is  the 
refrain : — 

Oirly  I  ask  to  love  you, 

Only  I  long  for  you: 
A*- Hit?  star*  that  shine  above  you 

In  the  trustful  heavens  are  true, 
Thus  is  my  heart  so  faithful, 

So  tender  and  so  fond, 
Yea,  as  the  stars  on  high  make  bright 

the  sky 
In  the  infinite  vast  Beyond. 

As  the  discriminating  reader  will 
observe  from  the  extract  given  above, 
this  song  is  worded  with  such  skilful 
judgment  that  no  sense  of  incongruity 
in  the  matter  of  sex  is  aroused  in  the 
mind  of  the  auditor,  since  the  senti- 
ments here  so  beautifully  expressed 
may  be  regarded  as  appropriate  to 
either  of  the  two  great  divisions  of 
humanity. 

How  different  to  these  sentiments 
are  those  contained  in  the  rollicking 
catch,  "  Me  and  My  Old  Pal,"  which  is 
certain  to  have  a  deservedly  enormous 
vogue.  We  have  little  sympathy  with 
those  superior  persons  who  may  be 
expected  to  raise  the  parrot-cry  of 
"  Vulgarity !  "  or  to  complain  that  the 
words  of  the  chorus  quoted  below 
form  an  incentive  to  intemperance. 
We  would  point  out  that  legitimate 
tastes  must  be  catered  for,  and  that 
at  the  Festive  Season  there  are  certain 
National  Traditions  which  must  be 
respected,  even  in  an  age  when  exces- 
sive drinking  is  happily  demode.  May 
not  the  Pantomime,  we  would  ask, 
foster  a  tiue  patriotism  in  this  respect 
by  awakening  among  the  people  a  spirit 
of  historical  continuity?  Thus  are  Em- 
pires built  up.  It  is  a  great  thought. 

I  stood  my  Old  Pal  a  drink, 

And  he  stood  one  to  mo. 
And  we  kept  on  standing  each  other  drinks 

All  night  so  merrily  ; 

II  stood  one  and  he  stood  one, 
Till  we  scarcely  could  drink  for  yawning. 
And  we  sat   there  boozing  when  we  ought 

to'  be  snoozing 
Till  I  he  milkman  came  in  the  morning. 


"The  Dream"  is  the  title  given  to 
an  exquisite  song  which  will  moisten 
the  cheeks  of  many  a  Pit.  It  may 
interest  our  readers  to  know  that  the 
outbreak  of  hostilities  between  Turkey 
and  Italy  was  directly  responsible  for 
its  composition.  The  author  was 
walking  in  East  London  during  the 
early  days  of  the  war  when  he  saw  a 
boy  being  furiously  bombarded  by  an 
indignant  organ-grinder,  who  employed, 
among  other  missiles,  a  small  monkey. 
It  transpired  later  that  the  youth  had 
offended  the  patriotic  susceptibilities 
of  his  assailant  by  consuming  a 
quantity  of  Turkish  Delight  with 
deliberate  offensiveness  under  the  very 
nose  of  the  exasperated  Italian.  Despite 
the  violent  nature  of  the  onslaught, 
however,  the  boy's  countenance  wore 
an  amused  smile.  This  incident  made 
a  deep  impression  upon  the  observer, 
and  the  idea  thus  planted  germinated 
to  such  purpose  that  within  a  few  days 
"  The  Dream  "  was  completed. 

We  have  space  to  print  the  opening 
stanza  only,  but  it  will  serve  to  indicate 
the  profound  passion  and  tenderness  of 
the  whole : — • 

I  dreamed  that  I  saw  him  standing 

In  the  furious  battle-place, 
While  shells  were  bursting  about  him 

And  swords  were  grazing  his  I'ac3  ; 
But  a  smile  was  on  his  features — 

A  smile  that  was  sweet  to  see, 
For  I  knew  as  he  stood  in  that  Hivcr  of  Blood 

He  was  thinking  only  of  me. 

The  Topical  Song,  always  so  fas- 
cinating to  pantomirna  audiences,  pre- 
sents at  this  stage  a  rather  curious 
appearance  in  print.  Eeflection,  how- 
ever, shows  us  that  this  is  inevitable ; 
topicality,  if  we  may  be  permitted  to 
say  so,  being  essentially  an  evanescent 
quality.  Here  is  an  example  of  the 
framework  as  it  leaves  the  hands  of 
the  song-writer,  before  being  clothe:! 
and  enriched  by  the  genius  of  the  artist. 
Fully  developed  it  will  cause  thousands 
of  hearts  to  throb  with  innocent  joy. 

You  take  up  your  daily  paper, 

As  you  tap  .your  breakfast  egg, 
And  you  read  that  a  shot  from   the     .     .     . 

camp 
Has  broken  a     ....     's  leg  ; 

That  the  Bill  for 

Has  passed  through  Parliament, 

That 

-sent. 

And  that -tent. 

-vent. 

You  read  that has    dropped 

again 

Out  of  his aeroplane; 

That  the  price  of   ....     is  higher. 
And  you  know  it 's  true 
For  you  've  read  it  through 
In  the  ha'penny  Min'ninij  Liar. 

[Loud  laughter  from  inveterate 
supporters  of  this  organ.] 

Unfortunately  the  following  "  Sur- 
prise "  song,  which  seems  to  us  to  take 


rank  above  all  the  foregoing,  though 
modesty  precludes  our  saying  so,  has 
been  refused  a  place  in  the  coming 
repertoire  of  Pantomime  Lyrics  : — 

You  ask  me  why  a  shadow  lies, 
A  cloud  of  pain  upon  my  eyes; 

Ask  no  more,  no  more. 
It  is  not  grief,  beloved,  that  wrings 

My  heart  and  makes  it  sore  ; 
1  Ire  1  not  nil  my  forehead  falling 

Sorrow's  clinging  kiss  — 
I  'm  only  bored  t<i  death  at  bawling 

Such  rotten  tosh  as  this. 


O'CLOCK. 

["The  greatest  waste  is  waste  of  Time.  .  .  . 
The  fact  of  your  time  always  being  absolutely 
correct  gives  a  prestige  to  Miur  house  un- 
attainable in  any  other  way." — Quotutivtiji'viii 

I'll    Ililf,  flisa-uiriit.  ] 

"  I  HAVE  come  shopping,"  said  I. 

"  One  cannot  shop  in  a  post-office," 
said  the  official. 

"  Think  again,"  I  answered. 

"  We  have  here,"  he  confessed,  "some 
stamps." 

I  purchased  a  stamp. 

"  We  have  here,"  he  continued, 
"  some  postal  orders." 

"  There !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  I  knew  one 
could  really  shop  in  a  post  office,  if 
one  tried  hard  enough.  How  much 
are  the  telegraph  forms  ?  " 

He  admitted,  with  reluctance,  that 
they  were  free. 

"I  will  take  a  dozen  gross,"  said  I. 

"  And  now,"  I  continued,  "I  will  tell 
you  what  I  really  came  for.  I  want 
the  Greenwich  mean  time,  please."  I 
happened  to  know  that  a  consignment 
of  this  is  sent  every  day  to  every  post- 
office  in  the  kingdom. 

He  leant  over  the  counter  and  spoke 
very  distinctly. 

"You  want,"  said  he,  "the  Green- 
wich mean  time '?  " 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  the  best  and  the 
meanest  Greenwich." 

"  There  it  is,"  he  said,  pointing  to  the 
clock. 

"  Quite  so,"  I  agreed.     "  I  want  it." 

He  had  the  appearance  of  a  man 
who  did  not  know  what  to  do  next. 

"  Moreover,"  I  added,  "  if  you  will 
assure  me  that  it  is  the  genuine 
article,  and  not  a  cheap  London  imi- 
tation, I  am  prepared  to  pay  any  price 
for  it." 

To  occupy  myself  pleasantly  while 
he  debated  what  course  he  should 
adopt,  I  examined  my  own  watch. 

"  But  look  you  here,"  I  exclaimed, 
with  just  anger,  "  youi?  precious  Green- 
wich mean  is  no  better  than  Wimbledon 
ordinary  ?  " 

He  could  not  dispute  it. 

"  In  that  case,"  I  told  him  in- 
dignantly, "  you  can  keep  it." 

And  I  walked  straight  out  of  the 
shop. 


DEC ES: i:r.n  0,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    TIIH    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  415~ 


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PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  6,  1911. 


THE   AWAKENING   OF    ENGLAND. 

Squire  (who  has  dropped  in  t»l  a  !ier<>>'<!  argument  as  to  the  changes  of  war  with  Germany}.   "Tu.vr  is  ALL  VERY  WELL,  BUI  surrosixa 

YOU   WOKE   HI'  TO-MORKOW   MORNING   AND   FOUND  THE   GEUMAXS  ON   YOUR  DOORSTEP?" 

Spok&man.   "NAY,  THAT  BAIXT  POSSIBLE,  SQUIRE,  BECAUSE  WHAT  WE  SAYS  is— 'Ow  ARE  THEY  GOING  TO  GET  PAST  GIBERALTEII ? " 


ADVICE  TO  THE  ADM1EALS. 

DEAR  MR.  EDITOR, — As  a  wife — 
and,  may  I  add,  a  mother? — I  am  so 
glad  that  that  dear  Mr.  CHURCHILL  has 
made  some  new  Admirals  to  look  after 
the  Navy  that  we  all  love  so  well.  I 
must  say  that  I  was  not  at  all  satisfied 
with  the  other  Admirals.  I  do  hope 
the  new  ones  will  introduce  some 
much  needed  reforms. 

I  do  not  think  the  Committee  was 
at  all  kind  to  my  dear  Hubert,  after  he 
had'been  quite  a  long  time  at  Osborno, 
too,  and  never  been  seasick  once,  and 
such  a  clever  boy  at  managing  a  boat. 
My  dear  Hubert  is  full  of  true  British 
pluck,  and  looked  so  well  in  his 
uniform,  and  I  do  not  think  the  last 
lot  of  Admirals  need  have  insisted  so 
much  on  examinations.  How  much 
trignometry  did  the  great  Lord  NELSON 
know,  I  should  like  to  ask. 

Then  I  think  the  Committee  (am  I 
rijht  in  calling  it  a  Committee?)  has 


not  remembered  as  it  ought  that  it 
carries  a  vast  load  of  responsibility  in 
regard  to  the  young  lives  entrusted  to 
its  care.  Many  of  the  sailors — brave 
fellows  ! — on  our  battleships  arc  really 
little  more  than  boys,  and,  as  I  know 
from  experience,  some  of  their  chests 
are  not  at  all  strong ;  and  I  do  not 
think  this  going  out  to  sea  in  all 
weathers  is  at  all  good  for  them.  I 
mean  that  when  the  Germans  do  come 
we  shall  want  all  our  sailors  nice  and 
strong  to  be  able  to  fight  them,  shan't 
we  ?  Well,  nothing  is  so  weakening 
as  a  nasty  cold. 

I  shock  my  dear  husband  sometimes 
by  saying  that  I  really  feel  inclined  to 

I  become  a  Militant  Suffragette.  Of 
course  I  would  never  dream  of  doing 
that  really,  but  I  do  think  that  women 

j  could  help  in  some  ways  in  governing 
our  grand  old  England,  and  I  certainly 
think  that,  admirable  as  Mr.  CHURCHILL 
has  shown  himself  to  be,  he  would  have 
won  even  more  approval  if  he  had 


appointed  at  least  one  woman  to  advise 
the  new  Admirals,  not  so  much  about 
how  to  lire  the  guns  and  send  the  ships 
straight  and  that  kind  of  thing,  but 
about  the  brave  sailors'  food  and 
clothes,  and  the  little  comforts  that 
mean  so  much  to  them  when  they  are 
far  away  from  home  joys.  Perhaps,  Mr. 
Editor,  if  you  would  put  my  sugges- 
tion in  your  very  readable  paper,  which 
my  dear  husband  and  I  always  borrow 
whenever  we  can,  it  might  do  some  good. 
Yours,  very  sincerely, 

(Mrs.)  ELEANOR  Goosn. 
The  Rectory,  Mallowmarsh. 


Commercial  Candour. 
"PEXAETH. — Charming  Detached  Residence. 
commanding   interrupted   sea   view."  —  Hotis: 
Agent's  announcement. 


"  Wanted,  a  go:d  economical  chef  capiilile  of 
turning  out  a  good  dinner  occasionally." 

Adi't.  in  "  Daily  Malta  Chronicle." 

Even  onco  a  week  would  be  something.  \ 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— DECEMBER  6,  1911. 


THE  RIVAL  PEACEMAKERS. 


GERUAH.  "DO    YOU    CLEAN    YOUR    SLATE    AT    ME,    SIR? 

BUITON.  -NO.    SIB,    I     DO    NOT    CLEAN     MY    SLATE    AT     YOU,     SIB.       BUT   I    CLEAN 

MY    SLATE,    SIB."  fjfr^o  and  Juliet.  Act  I..  Scent  i.  (adapted).} 


|)i:<   I'MHMU    6,    1911.] 


PUNCH,    OR   Till-     LONDON"    HI  AKI V  AIM. 


419 


ESSENCE  OF   PARLIAMENT. 

,K\I  l:\cll  li  I  i:<iM    1IIK  DlAHY    UK  TullV.    M.I'. 

House  of  Cotnmotu,  Monday,  Novem- 
ber 27. — One  does  not  remember  a  time 
when  simple-manner  speech  unadorned 
enjoyed  such  triumph  as  was  achieved 
to-night  by  EDWARD  GREY.  Occasion 
one  of  the  great  epochs  in  career  of 
a  statesman.  There  was  for  audience 
not  only  crowded  House  and  ex- 
pectant British  public.  In  Gallery 
over  Clock  were  gathered  Ambassadors 
of  all  the  Great  Powers,  with  con- 
spicuous exception  of  France  and 
Germany.  These  being  the  countries 
most  directly  concerned  in  question  at 
issue,  their  Representatives  agreed,  upon 
point  of  etiquette,  to  abstain  from  at- 
tendance. But  in  company  with  the 
other  nations  of  the  earth  Franco  and 
Germany  were  listening  at  the  door, 
eager  to  catch  the  words  falling  from 
lips  of  British  Minister. 

It  was,  in  brief,  a  rare  occasion,  to 
•which  ordinary  Minister  would  have 
risen  elate.  Easy  to  imagine  the  sonor- 
ous phrases  with  which  GLADSTONE 
would  have  embroidered  the  story  and 
the  glowing  peroration  that  would  have 
closed  it.  EDWARD  GREY  had  evidently 
carefully  prepared  his  statement  sotting 
forth  Foreign  Policy  of  this  country  in 
connection  with  the  Moroccan  Ques- 
tion ;  but  it  was  equally  devoid  of  orna- 
mentation and  peroration.  He  was 
there  to  tell  a  plain  story,  and  he  did  not 
halt  by  the  way  to  pluck  flowers  or  to 


A  MARKED  RESEMBLANCE  TO 
(JEORGE    WASHINGTON,    l.'.S.A. 

The  personification  of  nmnisfakalila  candour 
iintl  constitutionally  incapable  of  gusli. 
(Right  Hon.  Sir  EMWAKD  UIIKY.) 


TRIPPED  UP  OVER  TRIPOLI. 

Mr.  D.  ^f.  J/iuoii.  "I  can  'sunn  yon,  Sir, 
very  great  dis'ppointmcnt  to  me,  Mr.  SPEAKER 
— very  great  dis'ppointineut,  'ndccd,  Sir — not 
to  be  Hatred  to  'more'  in  this — er — great  delib- 
'rative 'sscmbly — greatest  delib'rative  'sseinbly, 
I  may  say,  in  the  world,  Mr.  SPEAKER— great 
(lis'ppointment — never  was  so  dis'ppoiuted  iu 
m'lile,  Sir,  in  this  great  delib'rative  'sseinbly, 
so  to  speak— not  to  be  allowed  to  '  move '  !  " 
(.Sympathetic  jeai.) 

buy  ribbons  wherewith  to  deck  it.  One 
felt  as  he  proceeded  how  completely 
he  carried  with  him  the  conviction  of 
his  audience  that  he  was  conceal!  14 
nothing. 

To  a  Ministry  at  a  crisis  such  as  that 
gone  through  in  the  last  three  months 
the  price  of  a  colleague  such  as  EDWARD 
GREY  is  above  rubies.  When  he  re- 
sumed his  seat  there  was  no  disposi- 
tion shown  in  any  part  of  House  to 
question,  even  to  discuss,  his  statement 
or  the  policy  of  the  Government  he 
represented.  The  late  GEOIIOE  WASH- 
INGTON, U.S.A.,  was  not  more  ac- 
customed by  long  habit  to  compel 
absolute  acceptance  of  the  truth  of  his 
assertions. 

MEMBER  FOR  SABK  in  his  pragmatical 
way  takes  narrow  view  of  situation.  It 
!  suggests  to  him  how  much  time  would 
j  be  saved  and  to  what  extent  life  would 
lie  lengthened  if  all  business,  from 
diplomacy  to  drapery,  were  conducted 
on  basis  of  veracity.  In  diplomatic 
conversation  and  correspondence  the 
parties  in  turn  exhaust  themselves  in 
effort  at  guessing  how  much  truth  irtay 
be  contained  in  a  particular  declaration. 
Till  he  was  found  out  BISMARCK  was 
accustomed  to  get  the  better  of  his 
adversary  by,  upon  occasion,  telling  the 
simple  truth.  That  being  wholly  un 


expected  tho  oilier  fellow  was  tem- 
porarily led  ustrny.  Now  here  is 
I'.im  MID  (Im.Y  talking  for  an  hour  and 
tsvcnty  minutes  on  a  delicate  intricate 
mi  i  national  question  and  everyone 
instinctively  knows  tliat  he  is  simply 
telling  the  truth. 

Foreign  papers  please  copy. 

Jiuiiiifssdonc.— J-'DWAiiuGBEYmftkes 
important  statement  o-i  Moroccan  < , 
lion. 

^Itiij.  —  After  sleeping  on  its 
memories  and  impressions  one  realizes 
how  last  night  for  the  first  time  fully 
revealed  the  irreparable  loss  Opposi- 
tion sustained  by  driving  out  tin-., 
Leader.  BONAR  LAW  played  his  part 
excellently.  Said  tho  correct  thing  in 
proper  phrase.  Indeed  repeated  mem- 
orable declaration  of  PRINT'*  ARTHUR, 
opportunely  made  at  height  of  crisis 
last  July,  that  in  presence  of  national 
peril  all  party  controversies  are  hushed 
and  the  Parliamentary  Opposition  is 
as  one  with  Ministers.  But  occasion 
seemed  to  call  for  a  loftier  personal 
pitch.  The  thing  is  more  acutely  felt 
than  may  be  categorically  stated. 

Undoubtedly  the  men  who  a  couple 
of  months  ago  were  shouting  or  writ- 
ing "  B.  M.  G."  had  brought  home  to 
them  last  night  pang  of  sharp  regret 
that,  after  long  endurance  of  personal 
contumely  and  party  revolt,  B.  took  the 
hint  and  went. 

Business  done. — National  Insurance 
Bill  approaching  conclusion  of  Report 
stage.  Kaleidoscopic  process  of  con- 
struction maintained  with  almost  super- 


A    BRILLIANT    KK«  KI'IT. 

(Mr.  M.tr.K  SYKKS.  M.I1,  for  Central  Hull. 
A  \ii.v  ».]••••  me  additiou  to  Unionist  debating 
power. ) 


420 


PUNCH,   OR   THK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  6,  1911. 


LONG-LOST    BROTHERS. 

Lord  Huglt,    "Ah,  my  dear  Robert!   so  \ve  Ye  contrived  to  get  into  the  House   toyethcr  at 
last !     Great  victory  of  yours  at  Hitcliiu — Tariff  Reform — what  ? 

human  fertility  of  resource.  "  New  Jin  spite  of  electoral  changes  and  personal 
clauses  while  you  wait,"  says  CHANCEL-  idiosyncracies,  remains  an  attribute  of 
LOJI  OP  THE  EXCHEQUER,  smiling  the  Mother  of  Parliaments. 


cheerily  on  bewildered  Members. 
Friday. — Return    of    Lord    ROBERT 


Business  done. — Still  rushing  Insur- 
ance Bill  through  Report  stage.  Finish 


CECIL  to  old  quarters  above  Gangway  I  on  Monday.     On  Wednesday  it  will  bs 
welcomed  by  both  sides  with  the  less  i  read   a  third  time  and   passed  on   to 
restraint   since   his   election  does   not ;  Lords, 
disturb  balance  of  Parties.    At  Hitchin 
a  Unionist  Amurath  to  Amurath  suc- 
ceeds.    Quite  apart  from  that  is  satis- 
faction at  regaining  counsel  and  com- 


THE  NEWEST  PORTRAITURE. 

PHOTOGRAPHY  having   led   the  way 

panionship  of  type  of  man  gradually  i  with  the  recent  movement  in  favour  of 
being  elbowed  out  of  House,  a  tendency  Spot-on-the-landscape  pictures  (where- 
that  will  receive  strong  impulse  from  in  the  figure  of  the  sitter  is  treated  only 
new  condition  of  salaried  membership,  as  a  detail  in  the  composition),  it  is 
There  will  be  little  room  in  coming  rumoured  that  portrait-painting  is  now 
years  for  class  of  scholars  and  gentle-  \  to  go  one  better.  We  gather  that  a 
men  who  so  recently  as  DIZZY'S  time  forthcoming  exhibition  of  the  First- 
predominated  in  the  Commons.  |  past-the-post-impressionists  will  con- 
Cousin  ROBERT  lacks  the  full  charm  of  j  tain  se-veral  examples  of  the  new 
Cousin  HUGH,  the  lustre  of  whose  gifts,  j  method,  whose  object  is  said  to  be 
by  the  way,  is  inexplicably  dimmed  in  j  to  suggest  the  personality  rather  than 
present  Parliament.  Per  contra  he  is  present  the  actual  person  of  the 
not  given  to  outbursts  of  ungovernable  !  subject. 

partisan  fury  such  as  have  besn  known  j      Thus,  in  No.  46  "Miss  Daisy  Denti- 
to   find   issue   in   prolonged   effort    to  fricc  of  the  Frivolity  Theatre,"  though 

the  features  of  this  popular  and  talented 
young  actress  do  not  themselves  appear 
upon  the  canvas,  her  presence  is  con- 
veyed to  the  spectator  with  remarkable 
subtlety  and  force  in  the  aspect  of  the 
first  three  rows  of  the  Frivolity  stalls, 
as  it  has  been  caught  by  the  artist. 
The  ecstatic  gaze  of  the  occupants, 
their  fixed  smiles  and  eager  hands,  all 
combine  to  produce  an  effect  of  actu- 


shout  down  the  PREMIER  standing  at 
Table  charged  with  delivery  of  im- 
portant message. 

A  trained  student  of  politics,  a  man 
of  keen  insight  and  lucid  speech,  he  is 
always  listened  to  with  assurance  that 
he  will  add  to  the  value  of  current 
debate.  Withal  a  courteous  gentleman 
who  appreciably  helps  to  maintain  the 
high  level  of  tone  and  manner  which, 


ality  far  greater  than  anything  that 
could  be  attained  by  mere  conventional 
portraiture.  The  spectator  is  left  with 
the  impression  that  if  he  has  not 
actually  seen  Miss  Dentifrice  herself, 
he  has  at  least  had  a  very  narrow 
escape  of  doing  so. 

No.  47,  a  companion  work  to  this, 
by  the  same  artist,  is  an  equally 
striking  study  of  The  licv.  Longu-nid 
Spalding — a  presentation  work,  which 
has,  we  understand,  been  subscribed 
for  by  the  congregation  and  church- 
wardens of  St.  Somnolent's,  Chelsea. 
Here  the  rather  cold  treatment,  of  the 
architectural  setting  is  finely  contrasted 
with  the  pew-full  of  semi-recumbent 
figures  in  the  foreground.  The  whole 
effect  is  a  realization  of  the  rev.  gentle- 
man's tireless  and  impressive  per- 
sonality such  as  for  once  deserves  the 
often  misplaced  epithet  of  a  "  speaking 
likeness."  By  a  regrettable  blunder  the 
I  picture  was  originally  catalogued  as 
'  "Tired  Nature's  Sweet  Restorer  "  ;  but 
we  are  glad  to  see  that  the  error  has 
1  been  timely  perceived,  and  that  this  very 
striking  example  of  the  New  Portraiture 
is  now  given  its  correct  title,  as 
above. 

Yet  another  exceedingly  happy 
achievement  is  No.  Ill,  Sir  Jacob 
Bumpus,  Bart.  The  sensation  of  a  just- 
finished  interview  with  the  distinguished 
City  magnate  and  financier  could  indeed 
hardly  be  better  conveyed  than  it  is 
here,  by  what  is  at  first  sight  a  simple 
study  in  still  life.  Gradually,  however, 
the  subtle  treatment  of  the  closed 
door,  marked  Private  and  obviously 
still  quivering  from  its  recent  banging 
behind  the  master,  produces  its  effect 
upon  the  observer.  Silence,  the  palpable 
silence  that  follows  the  last  word  of 
authority,  is  in  every  line  of  the  picture. 
So  masterly  is  the  handling  of  this 
that  the  eyo  scarcely  needs  such  con- 
tributory details  as  the  torn  ledger — 
some  error  in  which  has  obviously  but 
a  moment  before  raised  Sir  Jacob's 
justly-famous  indignation — or  the  en- 
larged tail  of  the -office  cat  protruding 
from  beneath  an  overturned  desk  in 
the  foreground.  The  man,  one  feels, 
has  been  there — and  of  what  ordinary 
portrait  could  the  same  be  truthfully 
said  ?  As  a  remarkable  study  of  a 
forceful  and  impetuo.-i  personality, 
No.  Ill  well  deserves  tha  attention 
that  it  will  certainly  receive. 

Perhaps,  however,  the  gem  of  the 
whole  collection  is  to  be  found  in 
No.  396,  Henrietta,  wife  of  John 
Smallicecd,  Esq.  By  an  interesting 
converse  of  the  method  followed  in 
the  previous  example,  the  artist  has 
here  found  his  conception  of  his  sub- 
ject in  the  opening  door  that  heralds 
her  arrival.  The  movement  of  this, 


DKCKMHKB  «J,   l-.Ml.  PUNCH,    OR    TIIK    LONDON    < 'I  I A  IM  \   \  I;  I. 


NK,    I'VE   TOI.D   VOU  OVEll  AND  OVER  A'iAI.V,    I    WILL   HAVE  OLEAXLINEH-!  ;     YKT   WIIV    It    IT    I'M    ALWAYS   FIXUINii   COIHVEIM   OX 
THE  UltAn-INci-ltOOM   OEll.IXi:  ? "  "I   THINK   IT  Ml'-T   BE  THE  M'IDEKs,    Miss." 


shown     through     a    heavily    tobacco- 
laden   atmosphere,  together  with   the 
hypnotised   stare  of    the   male  figure 
engaged  in  hurriedly  extinguishing  a 
half-suioked  cigar,  convey  an  impressiop 
of  the  lady   and  her  domestic  regime 
that  is  hardly -short  of  a  work  of  genius.  < 
Here  is  no  yielding  to  the  impulse  of 
flattery ;  the  whole  suhject  is  treated 
with  a  frankness  which  verges  on  the  | 
brutal,  but  is  none  the  less  fascinating '' 
for  this.     It  is  an  interesting  task  to ! 
'compare    this    presentment    of    Mrs. ! 
Smallweed  with  her  full-length  portrait ' 
by  Mr.  Pink  Glow,  R.A.,  at  Burlington  i 
House  ;     though    it    can    hardly    be ! 
doubted    which    of    the    two    comes ' 
nearer  to  that  absolute  truth  which  is ' 
the  ultimate  aim  of  art.     No  visitor  to  j 
the   Academy  could  have  the  faintest 
idea  that  she  objected  to  tobacco. 


Perfidious  Albion. 

"Thursday,    Deo.    7. — The    S'.ale  entry    at 
10a.ni.     Di'i'i'ption  ul'  tin1'  'hicl's  "S  in  .~>p.ni." — 


CUPID    AND    CAUTION. 

[It  is  suggested  that  when  young  ]",,],;, 
become  engaged,  an  agreement  should  lie  drawn 
up  fixing  the  damages  to  l>c  jwid  if  the  en- 
gagement is  broken.] 

PIUSCILLA,  at  present  I  'in  purposed  to 
kneel 

Eight  down  at  your  feet  on  the  carpet, 
The  while  in  a  passionate  burst  I  reveal 

How  dear  to  the  poet  you  are,  pet ; 
But  ere  on  this  amorous  project  I  start, 

Or  ever  one  syllable  'a  spoken, 
Pray  tell  me  at  what  you  will  value 
your  heart 

If  by  action  of  mine  it  is  broken. 

Supposing  perchance  some  unfortunate 
day 

My  constancy  happens  to  falter, 
Supposing  that  poetry  failing  to  pay 

Forbids  me  to  come  to  the  altar, 
Will  you   reckon  the   breach   of    my 
promise  a  thing 

That  calls  for  a  cash  consolation  ? 
Or,  if  I  don't  ask  the  return  of  the  ring, 

Will  that  be  enough  reparation '.' 


In  settling  the  sum  to  be  paid  when  I 

plead 
That   in   lovo   I  've   been  making  a 

miscount, 
The  cost  of  the  lawyers  you  'd  otherwise 

need 

Should  go  to  the  hard  as  a  discount ; 
So  fix  on  a  figure  sufficiently  low, 

All  greedy  temptations  taboo.'ng, 
And,  caution  cast  off,  I  will  let  myself  go 
And  gaily  get  on  with  the  wooing. 

Beneath  a  quoted  testimonial  \\o 
read : — 

"This  expression  of  un.|iialifi<d  approval  was 
entirely  voluntary  and  nnexiicetod,  as  the  onler 
had  merely  Iwen  executed  in  Messrs. 'a  usual 

lll.llllllT.    ' 

What  (Ji<l  they  exr.ect? 


The  Journalistic  Touch. 

"A  i-iinli.il  Aiixlo-'Jeiiniui  uudtisfanding 
would  I-1  worth  its  weight  in  gold  t"  In.th 
countries."— ./'-•''•"i  /-'>'•  I'm*. 

What  is  the  exact  troy-weight  of  an 
understanding '.'  On  paper  it  can't  1x3 
very  much. 


42. 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DeCBMBEB  6,    1911. 


THE   GOOSE  OPERA. 

WE  had  heard  so  much  of  them, 
their  intelligence,  their  operatic  in- 
stinct, their  adaptability  to  the  condi- 
tions of  bird-life  as  understood  on  the 
Covent  Garden  stage.  They  represented 
the  chief  motive,  so  we  gathered,  of 
HUMPERDINCK'S  new  opera ;  his  heroine 
was  a  goose-girl ;  he  had  written  his 
work  round  them.  And  they  practically 
did  nothing.  In  the  Second  Act  they 
appeared  in  the  background  beyond  the 
town  gates,  lingered  for  a  few  moments, 
but  took  no  intelligent  interest  in  the 
action  of  the  drama  (except  that  one 
stood  on  his  toes  and  llappecl  his 
wings),  and  then  stampeded  into  the 
right  wing.  According  to  the  stage 
directions  they  were  to  be  a  marked 
feature  of  the  opening  of  the  First  Act. 
"Twelve  wild  geese,"  so  I  rea-JI,  "are 
scattered  about.  Some  are  splashing 
in  the  pond  [there  was  no  pond  except 
a  painted  one  where  you  couldn't 
splash]  ;  others  are  plucking  at  the 
grass,  and  others  are  smoothing  down 
their  feathers  with  their  bills."  If  they 
did  all  this,  it  must  have  been  behind 
the  Witch's  house  or  the  pump,  for  they 
were  barely  noticeable  from  my  stall. 
One,  a  grey  goose,  had  been  selected 
for  special  duty.  He  was  to  receive 
the  King's  Son's  crown  on  his  neck 
and  secrete  it  till  required.  None  of 
the  highly  trained  corps  was  found 
equal  to  the  task,  and  a  dummy  had  to 
be  substituted.  Altogether,  as  an 
exhibition  of  animate  poultry,  the  show 
was  very  disappointing. 

As  for  the  other  birds,  I  cannot 
write  about  them  without  an  emotion 
of  pain.  Such  instructions  as  "  A 
turtle-dove  flies  out  of  the  hole,  in  the 
trunk  of  the  linden-tree  and  pecks  at  the 
window  of  the  hut,"  or  "  more  doves  fly 
round  the  Fiddler,"  were  totally  ignored. 
A  strong  effort,  it  is  true,  was  made  by 
one  dummy  to  simulate  the  "  gobbling 
up  "  of  millet-seed,  but  it  took  the  form 
of  saltatory  spasms,  during  which  his 
beak  never  came  within  practicable 
distance  of  the  ground.  Their  subse- 
quent flight  was  executed  on  the  well- 
known  wire-system,  the  effect  being 
prolonged  in  one  case  by  a  desolating 
hitch  in  mid-air.  When  will  Signor 
MABCONI  invent  a  wireless  bird  for 
operatic  use  ? 

Before  passing  from  the  subject  of 
stage-properties,  I  must  mention  the 
Witch's  poisoned  "  loaf "  (or  "  cake  "  or 
"  pasty  "),  which  directly  caused  the 
death  of  the  starving  Konigskinder.  In 
the  First  Act,  having  been  cooked  in 
cold  water  at  an  incredible  pace,  it  had 
the  semblance  of  a  large  white  chalk- 
stone.  By  the  Third  Act  it  had 
matured  in  colour,  and  looked  like  a 


colossal  railway-station  bun.  Nothing 
short  of  the  claims  of  deadly  hunger 
could  have  given  the  Konigskinder  the 
frenzied  strength  required  for  the 
breaking  and  chewing  of  it.  In  such 
cases  I  prefer  a  doctored  beverage  as 
being  more  in  the  spirit  of  romance. 
How  should  we  have  felt  if  Tristan 
and  Isolde,  instead  of  drinking  together 
from  what  they  took  to  be  a  poisoned 
cup,  had  shared  a  physicked  railway- 
station  bun? 

The  plot  of  Konigskinder  is  of  the  most 
unsatisfactory.  The  impossibilities  of 
fairyland  magic  I  accept  with  proper 
resignation ;  but  on  the  human  side 
[  like  a  fair  show  of  reasonableness. 
Here  I  never  could  make  out  how  the 
Goose-girl  came  to  be  of  royal  blood 
if  her  parentage  on  both  sides  was 


This  is  a  goose  who  is  not  much  good  at 
laying  golden  eggs,  but  can  mislay  golden 
crowns  with  anyone. 

Gansemagd      Frau  Gur.A-HfMMEL. 

connected  with  the  hangman's  trade. 
The  Fiddler's  cryptic  statement  (which 
I  translate  literally)  leaves  me  still  won- 
dering. "The  hangman's  daughter," 
says  he,  "  and  the  hangman's  assistant 
were  genuinely  royal  (konigsecht)  in 
their  loves  and  sorrows."  However, 
her  pedigree  did  not  matter  much, 
though,  since  the  opera  has  the  name 
Konigskinder,  it  would  be  pleasant  to 
know  what  right  she  really  had  to  be 
one  of  them.  But,  what  was  far  worse, 
I  could  not  discover  why  the  King's 
Son  ever  left  his  home  to  wander  about 
in  rags ;  nor  why  nobody  could  re- 
cognise him  from  his  portraits  in  one 
of  his  own  towns  ;  nor  why  he  couldn't 
find  his  way  home  again  when  he  tried 
to ;  nor  why,  if  his  father  was  dead  some 
months  ago,  as  the  Argument  asserts, 
he  is  worried  because  he  cannot  get 
back  to  hold  his  hand  (zur  Vatcrhand). 
When  one  is  asked  to  weep  over  a 
tragedy,  one  likes  to  know  where  one  is 
in  regard  to  the  material  facts  that  lead 


up  to  it.  Here  the  whole  scheme  is 
wantonly  obscure  and  arbitrary ;  and 
th'j  bast  music  in  the  world  cannot 
compel  emotions  from  which  the 
reasoning  powers  of  a  rabbit  would 
revolt. 

HI'MPEUDIN-CK'S  music,  fresh  and 
sincere,  was  duly  mixed  of  sweetness 
and  strength,  and  was  always  faithfully 
interpreting  the  action  without  de- 
laying it.  But  it  spent  itself  wastefully 
on  an  artificial  theme.  The  most 
appealing  feature  of  the  opera  was  the 
pathetic  loyalty  of  one  child  (played 
with  a  charming  docility  by  little  Miss 
BECKLEY)  who,  when  all  others  save 
the  Fiddler  were  incredulous,  had  the 
instinct  to  recognise  the  royalty  of 
the  King's  Son,  and  held  staunchly 
by  him  to  the  end. 

As  the  Goose -girl,  Frau  GURA- 
HUMMKL  sang  cleanly  and  sympatheti- 
cally ;  but  the  text  stipulated  that  she 
should  be  fourteen  (I  speak  of  years,  not 
stone- weight),  and  she  looked  more  than 
thai;.  In  the  First  Act,  where  youth  and 
irresponsibility  were  demanded,  Herr 
OTTO  WOLF,  in  the  part  of  the  King's 
Son,  took  himself  too  Wagneresquely. 
My  suspicions  of  him,  as  a  sportsman, 
were  aroused  by  the  length  of  his  hair, 
and  confirmed  by  the  careless  way  in 
which  he  threw  his  cross-bow  down  on 
the  hard  boards.  His  interlude  with 
the  little  girl  who  invited  him  to  dance 
a  Rosenringel  with  her  was  very  at- 
tractive. But  I  had  more  joy  of  the 
voice  and  personality  of  Herr  HOFBAUEU 
as  the  Fiddler,  though  his  air  of  noisy 
good-nature  in  the  First  Act  gave  no 
promise  of  the  poetic  feeling  which  he 
subsequently  developed.  Herr  FONSS 
and  Herr  BECHSTEIN  provided  a  subsi- 
diary touch  or  two  of  humour  in  the 
Teutonic  vein. 

The  scenery  was  excellent — in'  par- 
ticular the  wintry  landscape  of  the 
last  Act.  Here  the  effect  of  the 
temperature  upon  the  performers  was 
spasmodic.  At  one  time  they  could 
think  of  nothing  but  their  cold  hands ;  at 
another  they  behaved  as  if  it  were  jolly 
boating  weather  with  the  glass  at  70 
degrees  Fahrenheit.  The  falling  snow, 
too,  was  very  desultory  and  partial. 
I  sometimes  wonder  why  makers  of 
opera  never  have  the  courage  to  invent 
weather  that  is  out  of  accord  with  the 
sentiment  of  their  dramatic  situations. 
Of  course  I  know  that,  if  your  people 
have  to  starve,  winter  is  the  best  season 
for  a  lack  of  food-supplies  ;  and  if  you 
must  cover  their  corpses  with  snow  you 
have  practically  very  little  choice  of 
seasons.  Yet  1  cannot  help  feeling 
that  a  bright  crisp  autumn  day  would 
have  been  more  effective,  giving  a 
pleasant  note  of  irony  to  the  funeral 
proceedings.  O.  S. 


)  Kl  Kit    6,    ! 


1TNCH,   OK    THK   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


423 


WITH   THE   STRATFORD-ON-AVON    HUNT.    NO.   5. 

Oci-itj  ant  of  Cur.   "Sir,  WORTHY  FRIKNIK*  ;  MY  LORD  is  OFTEN  THUS." — .l 


LOOKED  IN  THE  MOUTH. 
HENRY,  I  do  not  doubt  you  mean  it  kindly, 

I  doubt  not  that  the  mara  's  a  perfect  treat, 
And  that  most  follows  would  accept  her  blindly 
For  Saturday's — or  any  other — meet ; 
A  fencer  fast  and  bold, 
She  's  worth  her  weight  in  gold, 
You  say  so,  Henry;  still  the  statement  leaves  n:e  cold. 

Briefly,  I  've  had  some  ;  haply  you  remember 

The  bucking,  bellicose,  bald-visaged  bay 
You  forced  me  up  on,  one  day  last  December? 
You  meant  it  kindly,  Henry,  I  must  say; 
Yet  still  in  dreams  I  spy 
That  flattened  ear,  that  eye — 
Henry,  once  bitten,  twice  (in  fact,  quadruply)  shy  ! 

1  The  kindest  beast  that  ever  looked  through  bridle," 

Thus  ycu  described  your  ramping  kangaroo, 
That  started  with  a  disconcerting  sidle 
And  had  me  down  inside  the  avenue ; 
Then,  from  his  burden  fre;d, 
Showed  quite  a  turn  of  speed. 
'The  children  hunt  him  always."    Do  they  ?    Oh,  indeed  ! 

I  "m  glad  /  don't.     Frankly,  the  huntsman's  bellow, 

Or,  if  you  will,  the  music  of  his  cheer, 
Heard  over  pastures  of  a  wintry  yellow, 
Strikes  with  a  note  of  menace  on  my  ear ; 
Although  I  must  confess 
A  certain  tenderness 
For  the  brave  scarlet  as  an  aid  to  evening  dress ! 


Yet,  Henry,  while  I  shirk  your  stable's  treasure, 

I  'm  not  the  chap  to  leave  you  in  the  lurch, 
And  I  will  come,  say  Christmas  week,  with  pleasure, 
And  help  Dorinda  decorate  the  church ; 
A  seasonable  joy 
Lies  in  such  mild  employ — 
And  you  've  some  of  that  port  left,  haven't  you,  my  boy? 

A  Paradox. 

"  Biplane  designed  by  Mr.  Wilcoxand  made  for  h'ni  in  the  fall  oflfllO." 

Country  Life  ia  America, 

May  it  not  be  broken  for  him  in  the  fall  of  1912. 


The  Encouragement  of  Crime. 

"A  Reward  will  Iw  given  to  tlie  person  seen  taking  BROWN  MfFF 
from  West  Knd  Car."—  Ailct.  in  "Halifax  Daily  (Juanlian." 

Was  it  a  wedding-present? 

The  Child  is  Father  of  the  Kan. 
The  Westminster  Gazette  on  Christmas  toys  :  — 

"Other  attractions   are  electric  and    steam    railways    in    r.inipl«-te 
working   order   with   a  miniature  dynamo  of  MI>  h.p.  grutntiiiK  the 


electricity.  .  .  .  For  elder  |*oplc  there  are    the  new  gaii: 

bardo,'  'Sciimnio,'  and  •  Tipple-Topple,1  which  will  cause  many  I  .....  u-s 

during  the  long  winter  night*  to  ring  with  uicrry  laughter." 

Little  Ernest  (generating  electricity)  :   Not  so  much  noise 
there,  Father.    Can't  you  see  1  'm  busy  ? 


Commercial  Candour. 

"A  long-felt  want  in  r>hr»  Dun  is  a  pro|ierly  nm  H..ti-l  and  in 
charge  of  a  professional  Hotelier.  This  want  you  will  find  when  mining 
to  Uehra  Dun  and  staying  in  th* 


nt  you  • 
Hotel." — Pioneer. 


424 


1'UNCII,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECKMBKU  6,  1911. 


A   FOREIGN    LEADER. 

T  CAN'T  help  it :  I  must  write  a  leading  article  on  foreign 
affairs.  My  head  is  so  full  of  noble  phrases ;  1  see  in  my 
mind's  eye  so  many  Chancellors,  Prime  Ministers,  Foreign 
Ministers,  Naval  Ministers  and  Chancellors  of  the  Ex- 
chequer, and  they  are  all  shouting  and  changing  and  writing 
and  orating  at  so  great  a  length  and  in  such  resonant, 
nation-shaking  voices  that,  unless  I  get  them  out  of  my 
head,  I  shall  certainly  go  mad  and  he  prosecuted  for  running 
about  the  December  landscape  clothed  only  in  loose  sheets 
of  Tlie  Times,  the  Journal  des  Dt-bata  and  the  Frankfurter 
Zeitung.  I  am  compelled,  therefore,  to  write  a  strong, 
patriotic,  calm,  stimulating  and  perfectly  impartial  leading 
article. 

I  shall  not  write  this  article  for  any  particular  paper,  for 
I  am  not,  I  am  proud  to  say,  connected  with  any  particular 
paper.  Nor  shall  I  send  it  to  any  paper  on  approval  after 
it  's  done.  I  have  no  ambitions  of  that  kind,  and  I  don't 
want  any  of  their  money.  What  I  shall  write  I  shall  write 
for  its  own  sake  and  for  mine. 

One  thing  troubles  me  a  little,  and  that  is  that  I  don't 
know  anything  about  foreign  affairs,  except  what  I  've  read 
casually.  I  'm  not  behind  the  scenes.  I  've  never  met 
even  the  third  cousin  of  an  attache  or  the  great-uncle  of  a 
First  Secretary.  I  only  know  what  the  man-in-the-street 
knows.  However,  I  don't  think  that  matters  much.  If  I 
can  manage  to  be  at  the  same  time  pompous,  scornful, 
deprecating,  sagacious,  uplifted  and  omniscient,  I  know  I 
shall  get  on  all  right.  All  I  have  got  to  do  is  to  wipe  out 
Germany  in  a  sentence  and  to  support  France  by  three 
strong  and  well-rounded  paragraphs.  There's  another 
special  point :  if  I  want  to  refer  broadly  to  the  German 
Government  I  mustn't  call  them  the  German  Government ; 
I  must  say  "  the  Willidmstrassc  is  again  attempting  to  put 
{is  off  with  the  usual  pitiful  plea."  Doesn't  it  sound 
gorgeous  ?  I  feel  much  better  already. 
!  Similarly  if  I  wish  to  refer  to  Austria — I  don't  quite  see 
where  she  comes  in,  but  still  I  might  want  to  refer  to  her; 
you  never  know  where  these  experts  in  foreign  affairs  are 
going  to  take  you  to  next — if,  as  I  say,  I  wish  to  speak  about 
Austria  I  have  a  choice  of  two  alternatives.  I  can  call  her 
"the  Dual  Monarchy,"  or  I  can  get  a  snub  in  by  speaking 
of  her  as  "  the  Ballplatz."  It  sounds  like  a  sneezing  game, 
but  it  isn't.  It 's  just  another  name  for  Austria-Hungary — 
until  this  moment  I  had  forgotten  all  about  Hungary,  which : 
shows  how  careful  one  has  to  be. 

Then  there 's  France.  It  sounds  rather  impudent  just 
to  call  her  France.  If  there's  anything  that's  clearly 
required  by  the  entente  conUale  it  is  this  :  that  France, 
when  foreign  affairs  are  sitr  Ic  tapis — how  insensibly  one 
slips  into  that  beautiful  language — must  be  referred  to  as 
the  Quai  d'Orsay. 

As  to  Italy,  of  course  we  don't  need  to  bother  about  her. 
If  she  hadn't  gone  to  Tripoli  to  teach  dead  Arabs  at  the 
point  of  the  bayonet  how  to  become  good  and  humane  and 
civilised  Italian  subjects,  we  might  have  had  to  speak  of  her 
as  "the  Quirinal,"  or  "  the  third  and  not  least  illustrious 
member  of  the  Triple  Alliance;  "  but  now  she's  in  Tripoli 
with  about  50,000  of  her  best  Generals  and  she  really 
doesn't  count. 

As  to  Eussia,  I  know  exactly  what  to  say  about  her. 
She 's  "  the  Colossus  of  the  North "  whom  it  would  be 
stark,  staring  lunacy  for  the  Germans  to  arouse.  She  may 
move  slowly,  but  think  of  the  masses  she  can  bring  into 
line — "hordes  of  fierce  riders  from  the  Ukraine"  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing. 

,    Then  there  's  Britain.     She  's  got  no  special  pei  name 
like  the  others,   but  she 's  all  there  none  the  less.     The 


thing  to  say  is  that  Germans  (wilfully  and  blindly,  poor 
beggars!)  misunderstand  us: — "The  Wilhelmstrasse  may 
know  much,  but  the  nature  of  the  British  people  is  a 
sealed  book  to  the  distorted  vision  of  the  IML-KUIAI, 
CHANCELLOH.  Those  who  mistake  our  calm  for  careless- 
ness and  see  in  the  stern  resolution  of  our  altitude  only 
an  intention  to  abandon  our  friendships  are  preparing 
for  themselves  a  rude  awakening.  The  Ballplat?.  is  too 
wise  to  be  deceived  by  the  clumsy  attempts  of  those  who 
have  reckoned  without  the  lucid  explanations  which  have 
lately  emanated  "  [hurrah  for  "  emanated  " — it 's  a  topping 
word!]  "from  the  Quai  d'Orsay.  No  one  knows  bettor 
than  the  politicians  of  the  Dual  Monarchy  what  it  means 
when  once  the  Colossus  of  the  North  begins  to  move. 

Even  FUKDKKICK  THE  GREAT "     But  there,  1'vo  got 

them  all  in  already.     I  shall  finish  the  article  to-night. 


SIGNS   OF   WEAR. 

["When  anyone  linds  himself  worrying  as  to  what  clothes  he  shall  |mt 
on,  or  what  hat  ho  shall  wear,  or  which  stick  he  shall  cany  .  .  .  ,  ln>  inav 
lie  pretty  certain  that  for  sonic  reason  or  another  his  nervous  energy  lw:< 
become  exhausted." — ,V-vi-.-v  "."/  llir  AVnvws.] 

BELLA,  when  yester-morning's  post 
Brought  me  your  charming  invitation, 

My  manly  breast  became  the  host 
Of  an  unusual  sensation. 

You  bade  me  come  that  afternoon  to  tea ; 

So  I  resolved  to  knock  off  work  at  three. 

But  so  unsettled  was  my  brain 

And  so  demoralised  my  mind's  tone, 

I  could  not,  for  my  life,  constrain 
My  nasal  organ  to  the  grindstone  ; 

All  day,  revolving  in  my  office  chair, 

I  found  myself  debating  what  to  wear. 

First  came  a  trying  choice  of  suits 

In  re  My  Person  v.  The  Weather, 
And  then  the  claims  of  glace  boots 

As  against  shoes  of  patent  leather ; 
An  hour  or  so  elapsed  ere  I  could  fix 
On  one  of  half-a-dozen  walking-sticks. 

And  when,  abominably  late, 

I  burst  on  you  in  all  my  glory, 
And  you  appeared  disposed  to  rate, 

I  spun  a  most  unblushing  story : 
My  love,  I  swore,  had  urged  me  look  my  best ; 
And  you  believed,  and  hugged  my  fancy  vest. 

But,  dearest,  since  I  cannot  slay 

My  conscience,  with  extreme  compunction 

I  must  request  you  not  to  lay 

To  your  sweet  soul  that  flattering  unction  : 

I  own  'tis  no  affection  of  the  heart 

Of  which  these  curious  symptoms  are  a  pavt ; 

Nor  yet  a  craving  to  compete 

With  those  who  fix  the  fashion's  season  ; 

Elsewhere  my  trouble  has  its  seat : 
If  you  would  learn  the  actual  reason 

Of  any  change  in  me  your  eye  observes, 

Eefer,  my  love,  to  Thingumbob  on  Nerves. 

"  Vile  Plays  at  Cambridge,"  is  the  heading  of  a  foot- 
ball article  in  The  Western  Mail.  The  matter  is  all  right, 
for  Mr.  VILE  did  undoubtedly  play  for  Newport  against 
the  University,  but  the  forn-  of  it  is  in  questionable  taste 
at  this  moment  when  so  much  attention  is  being  paid  to 
the  new  Censor  of  Plays. 


DKCEMBER  6.  1911.  PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON'    CHARIVARI. 


4'2.r> 


r 


Ltirgt  Policeman  (irlio  likts  the  credit  of  a  fylii  (i»d  lias  made  too  easy  a  capture).   "C'AI.1.  Yoi:|:.sEt.K  A 
'  DESPUIT  ?    AIN'T  you  COT  NO  I-HIDE?    LPMME,  GIVE  us  A  CIIAUXST  ;    LAY  I>AHX  AND  Kirn  on  sn 


CAN'T  vor 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Sta/  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

I  AM  tempted  to  describe  CAROLINE  GROSVEXOK'S  new- 
novel,  Laura  (HEINEMANN),  as  a  good,  sound  story,  medium 
dry,  with  a  fine  nutty  flavour,  and  a  pleasant  after-taste. 
It  is  about  persons  who  are  most  of  them  alive,  if  perhaps 
not  very  agreeably  so.  Laura  herself,  the  best  drawn  and 
most  attractive  figure,  is  a  young  person'  who  starts  life 
with  several  unromantic  and  practical  theories  as  to  the 
relative  values  of  sentiment  and  a  bank  balance.  But  in 
fiction,  when  you  find  a  heroine  so  emphatic  at  the  start  in  her 
preference  for  Paris  frocks  and  a  reliable  cook,  you  may  still 
assume  with  safety  that  the  last  chapter  will  see  her  plump- 
ing for  love  in  a  cottage.  Which,  of  course,  is  what  happens 
to  Laura ;  though  just  how  I  will  leave  you  to  discover  for 
yourself.  There  is  decided  cleverness  in  the  way  in  which 
the  impecunious  girl,  who  sighed  for  an  income  and  power 
— as  represented  by  a  marriage  with  the  rising  politician 
Lord  Westown — is  made  to  give  up  both,  refusing  Wcstotrn 
and  renouncing  the  fortune  left  her  by  old  David  Gumming, 
at  the  bidding  of  the  better  nature  whose  existence  she  has 
all  along  studiously  denied.  One  can't  help  caring  a  little 
for  Laura  ;  but  the  rest  seem  to  me,  as  I  say,  rather  a 
shabby  lot.  By  the  way,  I  was  amused  to  discover  a  very 
subordinate  character  named  Chariot  If  Verrindef — a  lady 
whom  I  last  met  enjoying  devilled  oysters  in  The 
Magistrate:  Probably  the  name  is  an  instance  of  uncon- 
scious cerebration  on  Mrs.  GROSVENOR'S  part ;  certainly 


the  combination  is  one  unlikely  to  have  been  invented  by 
two  writers  independently. 

How  Zuleika  Dobson  (HEINEMASN),  of  the  music-hall 
stage,  came  to  Oxford  and,  on  the  last  night  of  the  Kights, 
proved  herself,  like  Helen  of  Troy,  "  a  hell  to  ships  and 
men,"  is  told  by  Mr.  MAX  BKKIIHOHM  with  a  daring  cynicism 
all  his  own.  The  other  protagonist  is  the  Duke  of  Dorset, 
in  statn  pitpillari.  Peerless  both,  they  have  hitherto  gone 
through  the  world  conquering  and  to  conquer;  yet  ever 
have  remained  "  passionless  'mid  their  passionate  votaries." 
Humiliated  by  the  emotions  which  Zuleika  excites  — 
emotions  that  lie  has  never  before  permitted  himsolf  to 
experience — he  declines  to  give  any  sign  of  his  subjugation. 
But  her  frank  confession  that  she  is  uniquely  enamoured 
of  him  as  being  the  sole  man  who  has  over  ignored  her 
charms,  leads  to  an  admission,  on  his  part,  of  the  true  state 
of  his  feelings.  The  spell  is  broken  :  he  has  become  a 
common  thing  in  her  eyes.  But  he  can  still  undertake 
to  die  for  her,  a  tribute  of  affection  which  she  gladly 
accepts  with  the  determination  to  keep  him  to  bi^ 
promise.  The  Duke  is  the  glass  of  fashion  and  his 
intentions,  rapidly  bruited  abroad,  find  an  infatuate 
echo  in  the  universal  dark-blue  breast,  all  Oxford  vowing  to 
follow  his  example  and  die  for  love  of  '/luleika.  But  the 
Duke,' it  ancestral  motto  is  Pas  si  bete,  and  his  pride,  stung 
by  the  lady's  callous  brutality,  revolts  against  a  pledge 
that  would  cut  him  off  in  the  flower  of  his  beautiful  man- 
hood. Resolved,  after  all,  to  disappoint  Zuleika  and 


426 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMLEH  G,  1911. 


remain  extant,  he  changes  his  mind  back  again  on  the 
receipt  of  the  following  telegram  from  his  family  butler  : 
"  Deeply  regret  inform  your  grace  las.t  night  two  black  owls 
came  and  perched  on  battlements  remained  there  through 
night  hooting  at  dawn  flew  away  none  knows  whither 
awaiting  instructions  JELLINGS."  This  was  the  traditional 
presage  of  the  death  of  the  owner  of  the  title.  The 
Duke  sees  here  the  hand  of  the  gods  and  yields  to  the 
only  superior  power  he  recognises.  He  answers  on  the 
reply-paid  form :  "  Prepare  vault  for  funeral  Monday 
DORSET." 

I  have  one  or  two  complaints  to  make  of  this  fascinating 
book.  I  think  it  was  a  mistake  to  attempt  to  develop  a 
purely  farcical  idea  on  the  lines  of  a  full-sized  novel.  The 
charm  of  MAX'S  literary  caprices  endures  to  the  last,  but  the 
story  as  a  story  falls  off  before  the  finish.  I  am  doubtful  too 
whether  he  was  justified  in  introducing  magic  (in  the  matter  of 
the  pearls)  into  a  tale,  however 
farcical,  of  human  interest,  and 
modern  at  that.  But  his  worst 
fault  is  to  have  played  to  the 
bitter  end  his  practical  joke  of 
suicide.  It  seems  rather  cheap 
and  easy  to  employ  your  humour 
on  a  theme  which  by  common 
consent  forbids  the  trespass  of 
frivolity.  It  is  a  little  like 
the  school-boy  trick  of  letting 
out  a  rabbit  in  church.  But 
MAX'S  manner,  if  any  manner 
could,  almost  palliates  this 
breach  of  propriety.  It  is  ru- 
moured that  Zuleika  is  the 
carefully  revised  work  of  earlier 
yaxrs ;  and  certainly,  both  in 
this  matter  of  taste  and  in  the 
archaistic  methods  which  from 
time  to  time  he  affects  (for 
example — "  But  would  she  ever 
meet  whom,  looking  up  to  him, 
she  could  love — she,  the  omni- 
subjugant  ? "),  one  seems  to 
trace  the  relics  of  a  youthful 
exuberance. 


When  Mr.  E.  F.  BENSON 
wrote  Juggernaut  in  serial  form 
for  The  Queen  he  finished  it  off  with  a  felicitous  fall 
of  masonry  at  Athens,  which  wiped  out  the  principal  male 
figure  in  the  story.  Whether  Mr.  HEINEMANN,  his  pub- 
lisher, cons'dered  this  catastrophe  too  crude  for  book-form 
1  cannot  say,  but  anyhow  it  has  been  omitted,  and  the  novel 
ends  tamely  enough  ;  the  disillusioned  wife,  who  has  found 
her  husband's  passion  for  scholarship  greater  than  his  love 
for  her,  deciding  that  sha  must  make  up  for  this  deficiency 
by  an  access  of  devotion  on  her  own  side.  Personally  I 
am  sorry  for  the  change  of  ending,  bscause,  with  a  con- 
siderable experience  of  objectionable  characters  in  romanc3, 
I  am  inclined  to  award  tli3  palm,  or  oleaster- wreath,  if  he 
prefers  it,  to  Mr.  Arnold  Liveson  ;  and  why  on  earth  a  nice 
girl  like  Marjory  (one  of  the  nicest  Mr.  BENSON  has  ever 
given  us)  should  have  fallen  in  love  with  this  cold  and  con- 
ceited egotist,  goodness  alone  knows.  So  heartily  indeed 
do  I  dislike  him  that  I  am  disposed  to  cavil  even  at  his 
literary  reputation.  At  the  beginning  of  Juggernaut 
he  is  writing  a  beautiful  book  about  THEOCRITUS,  passages 
from  which  complete  his  conquest  of  Marjory's  heart ;  yet 
in  one  place  ho  speaks  of  "the  shepherd-boys  minding  their 
flocks  upon  Attic  hills,"  and  in  another  of  "  the  vault  which 


AN  IMPATIENT  SWAIN  OF  THE  TIME  OF  KING  ALFRED  AWAIT- 
ING THE   ARRIVAL  OF  HIS  LADY-LOVE  AT  THE  TKYSTING-PLACE. 

THE  CANDLE-CLOCK  MIOWS  HIM  now  LATE  SHE  is. 


....  Theocritus  has  spread  for  us  above  the  stone-pines 
on  the  hills  of  Greece."  May  I  be  permitted  to  remind 
Mr.  Arnold  Leveson  that  THEOCRITUS  was  born  at  Syracuse, 
and  that  his  songs  are  songs  of  Sicily  ?  Nor  am  I  at  all 
certain  that  a  really  scholarly  work  on  THEOCRITUS  would  be 
likely  to  capture  the  affections  of  a  charming  English  girl, 
who  should  certainly  have  married  her  cousin  Walter,  even 
if  a  steam-roller  had  to  be  requisitioned  in  the  last  chapter 
to  help  her.  And  that,  of  course,  would  have  made 
Juggernaut  such  a  splendid  title  for  the  book. 

As  the  title  of  Mr.  JUSTIN  MCCARTHY'S  latest  book,  Irish 
Recollections  (HODDER  AND  STOUGHTON),  indicates,  the  area 
of  his  review  is  limited  to  his  native  country.  Consequently 
there  are  lacking  those  personal  touches  of  life  in  London 
which  he  was  in  peculiar  degree  qualified  to  give.  One  of 
the  most  interesting  chapters  is  that  dealing  with  the 

absentee  landlord,  to  whose  neg- 
lect of  duty  Mr.  MCCARTHY 
traces  most  of  the  ills  that 
racked  Ireland  thirty  years  ago. 
On  the  subject  of  absenteeism, 
it  may  be  genially  hinted,  he 
speaks  with  authority,  not  as 
one  of  the  ordinary  scribes. 
Though  not  a  landlord,  he  has 
for  the  greater  part  of  his  busy 
life  been  absent  from  his  native 
land  and  his  much-loved  "city 
of  Shandon  Bells."  Meanwhile, 
he  has  been  a  welcome  sojourner 
on  this  side  of  the  Channel  and 
a  man  of  a  multitude  of  friends 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlan- 
tic. It  necessarily  follows  that 
his  recollections  of  Ireland  are 
most  concerned  with  early  years, 
including  the  period  of  the 
Famine.  The  times  he  vividly 
pictures  are  now  passing  away, 
Ireland  being  to-day,  by  common 
consent,  in  a  condition  of  pros- 
perity unequalled  in  its  history. 
To  this  happy  conclusion  Mr. 
MCCARTHY  has  the  satisfaction 
of  knowing  that  by  his  public 
life  and  parliamentary  career  he 
sensibly  contributed.  The  sombre  picture  of  Ireland  prior  to 
legislation  commenced  in  1868  is  relieved  by  the  flashing  of 
many  good  stories  illustrative  of  native  character. 


Mrs.  WILSON  Fox  contrives  to  make  Sir  THOMAS  MOKE 
and  his  numerous  family  live  again  in  Tin  Baron's  Heir 
(MACMILLAN),  where  she  lays  the  earlier  scenes  of  her  story 
at  Gobions,  which  belonged  to  the  MOKE  family  from  1397 
to  1530.  Faithfully  she  has  reproduced  the  language  and 
atmosphere  of  the  period,  and  the  contrast  between  the  life  of 
such  enlightened  people  as  the  MORES  and  that  of  the  rude 
barons  is  admirably  shown.  We  have  also  a  pleasing  sketch 
of  HENRY  VIII.,  which  will  astonish  those  who  have  come 
to  regard  him  merely  as  a  monarch  with  an  eclectic  taste 
in  the  matter  of  queens ;  and  above  all  there  is  a  well-kept 
secret.  Possibly  Mrs.  Fox  insists  overmuch  upon  the 
lessons  she  wishes  to  teach  ;  but  this  is  a  small  blemish  in  a 
sound  book.  Sensible  girls  will,  I  am  sure,  be  glad  to  add 
it  to  their  stock  of  Christmas  presents,  for  although  it 
contains  a  love-story  in  the  bud  there  is  no  sentimental 
twaddle,  and  the  author  rightly  thinks  that  nothing  but  the 
best  she  can  give  is  good  enough  for  children. 


I . ..-.-KMHKK  i:»,  1911.1  PUNCH,    Oil   TIIK    LOM>H\    CII.MUVARL 


427 


CHARIVARIA. 

(lovernment's  opinion  of  tlio 
ability  of  the  House  of  Lords  has  sud- 
denly undergone  a  change.  It  is  now 
considered  capable  of  dealing  adequately 
with  all  the  provisions  of  the  Mines 
Hill,  the  Naval  Prize  Bill,  and  the  In- 
surance Bill  in  the  short  space  of  ten 
days. 


THE  APT  COMPARISON. 

["  Piul  lingUm  IMMWMM  a  fine  and  imposing 
roof,  and  .iltli.ii>»li  tlm  aUtion  it  not  ao  Urge  in 


*   * 

* 


The  KAISEK  has  deci<led  that  there 
shall  be  no  Dover  to  Heligoland  yacht 
rare  in  ]!)1'2.  We  trust  that  there  is 
no  truth  in  the  rumour  that  a  contest 
of  warships  is  to  take  its  place. 

It  has  been  suggested  that  the  new 
battleship  which  is  about  to  ba  laid 
down  at  Devonport 
shall  be  called  The 
Marlbonmgk,  in  com- 
pliment to  the  FinsT 
LORD  OP  THE  ADMIR- 
ALTY. We  believe 
that  Mr.  CHURCHILL 
has  long  been  jealous 
of  the  compliment 
paid  to  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR OP  THK  EX- 
CHEQUER in  the  nam- 
ing of  The  Royal 
George.  ,,  # 

Mr.  ROCKEFELLER 
has  decided  to  devote 
the  rest  of  his  days 
to  golf.  lie  is,  we 
understand,  as  a  me- 
mento of  his  former 
activities,  to  bo  pre- 
sented with  his  por- 
trait in  oils. 

Naturally,  excep- 
tion has  been  taken 
by  the  Rav.  F.  B.  MEYER  to  Dean  INGE 
for  referring  to  the  Nonconformist 
Conscience  as  greasy.  We  understand, 
however,  that  the  use  of  that  epithet 
was  due  to  a  side-slip  of  the  tongue. 

According  to  Mr.  CIIKSTEUTON,  under 
Socialism  we  shall  have  to  be  a  wooden- 
legged  nation.  But  before  that,  surely, 
we  shall  have  to  be  a  wooden-headed 
nation?  


after  24  years'  service."  That  is  one 
of  the  tragedies  of  advancing  age :  our 
figures  b:-gin  to  deserve  the  epithet 
"  oval."  *  ,, 

area  aa  aome  of  itn  m-i^hUiura  it 

The  followiiiL'    Th-  7-V)»r«  tolle  iia    """•,"""  """"""J  «*"  L^do*  TtrMiMi*,  I** 
lowing,  J-if,  JSXpreU  tens  U*,  n,nj  3,OOOaduy.'—TktOt»entr. 

is  an  extract  from  an  obituary  notice  The  italics  are  Jir.  /'«*•*»,  who  IUM  been 
in  a  French  provincial  journal : — "The!''""'1-1'"!  to  further  atatiatiol  eoaipariMBa.] 
'  deceased  was  an  excellent  wife  and !  MR.  HILAIRB  BELLOC  and  Mr. 
mother,  and  had  buried  her  fourth  {  CHESTERTON  share  the  palm  of  cor- 
husband  only  a  few  weeks  before  her  jporeal  superficies  among  British  literati. 
own  death."  So  different  from  the!  Mr.  CLEMENT  SHORTER,  although  pos- 


butterfly   wife   who    buries    only 
husbands  and  mislays  the  others. 


two  sessing  a  beautifully  thatched  roof,  is 
j  smaller  in  area,  but  he  discovers  more 
immortal  geniuses  than  any  other  critic, 
When,  a  few  days  ago,  a  lady  violon-   the  number  averaging  two  per  week, 
cello  player  at  Dinat  Powis,  Cardiff, " 

found  that  there  was  no  music-stand  '•     The  parentheses  in  Mr.  WILLIAM  DE 
available,  a  boy  scout  stepped  forward  MORGAN'S  shortest  novel  would,  even  if 

disconnected  from  his 
theme,  stretch  from 
1 .01  id  on  to  Teheran. 
Russia's  ultimatum  to 
the  same  place  was 
considerably  shorter, 
and  has  been  much 
condemned  by  Pers-an 
critics  in  the  ver- 
nacular. 

London's  new 
mammoth  emporium 
is  the  most  monu- 
mental and  glorious 
architectural  triumph 
since  KINO  SOLOMON'S 
temple,  always  ex- 
cepting Mr.  WINSTON 
CHURCHILL'S  Ham- 
burg hat.  The  French 
pastry  supplied  at 
each  luncheon  to  the 
staff  would  build  the 
Pyramids,  with  suffi- 
cient surplus  to  erect 
a  castellated  refuge  for 
Mr.  CHARLES  BHOOKFIELD  on  the  vacant 
site  in  Aldwych.  In  comparison  with 


BETWEEN1    US.    MoTIIF.R.    I*  Till-   WkCTCHED 


and   allowed    the 
music  to  his  back. 


artist    to    pin    the 
We  trust  that  the 


obliging  youngster  will  not  get  into  j  Blankleys,  Mr.  LLOYD  GEOHGK  is  a 
trouble  for  failing,  for  this  once,  to  face  mere  retail  provider,  but  he  still  has 
the  music.  ...  ;.  the  monopoly  of  "  rare  and  refreshing 


Reading  that  a  rod  chequer  homing  : 
pigeon,  wearing  a  blue  enamel  ring  \ 
marked  1911  L.8945,  had  been  found ' 


i  fruits." 


The  City  of  Chicago  has  decided  to 
build  a  home  for  disabled  poets.  Such 
an  institution  has  become  more  than 
ever  a  necessity  in  this  age  of  motor 
trallic.  Few  persons  have  any  idea  of 
the  number  of  poets  who  are  run  over 

each  year  while  out  for  a  walk  com-   coloured  Christmas  supplements  from 
posing  their  masterpieces. 


The  Daily  Mail  has  the  largest 
circulation  among  all  patriots,  sca- 
nt, Ewell,  Surrey,  an  old  lady  remarked  dogs,  muscular  diplomatists,  Tcuto- 
that  it  was  terrible  how  the  love  of '  what-nexts,  whole-caraway  cakers,  and 
jewellery  appeared 
among  all  classes. 


to 


be  spreading  i  indignant  housemaids.  The  Daily 
Netcs  costs  no  more ;  but,  being  com- 
posed of  the  Whole  Nib  and  Nothing 

Some  persons  evidently  steal  from  a  but  the  Nib,  is  more  sustaining, 
mere  love  of  stealing.     A  porter  con 


'  I  fessed  last   week,  at  the   Marylebone 
•  Police  Court,  that  he  had  stolen  three 


"  Mr.  Sam  Apted,"  we  are  informed, 
"  tho   Oval    groundsman,   has    retired 


a  bookstall. 


*..  * 


"  My    Aunt ! "    is    just    now 
ALFONSO'S  favourite  imprecation. 


KINO 


The  highest  point  of  Mr.  EUGENE 
WASON,  M.P.,  has  not  yet  been  sur- 
veyed, but  it  is  believed  to  be  exceeded 
only  bv  Mount  Everest  and  the 
Unionis't  majority  at  Hitchin.  LITTLE 
TII  H  i*  demonstrably  smaller  than  any 
of  the  above. 


VOL.     i-XI.I. 


B  II 


428 


'PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHAIMVAKI.  .|  DKCKJIBKK  13.  1911. 


A   DEAN   TO   HIS   TWEENY. 

(AW  necessarily  the  l>ean  of  St.  Paul's.) 

THE  trivial  accident  of  birth 
Which,  in  our  fleeting  lives  on  earth, 
Tends  to  outweigh  intrinsic  worth 

Has  severed  you  and  me  by  quite  a  distance; 
Not  often,  save  at  family  prayer, 
Where  all  may  breathe  a  common  air, 
Have  I  been  sensibly  aware 

Of  your  obscure  and  underground  existence. 

On  such  occasions,  if  your  mind, 

Mostly  to  menial  tasks  resigned, 

Has  for  a  moment  left  behind 
The  duties  incident  to  daily  dinners, 

It  may  have  very  well  occurred 

That  your  arrested  ears  have  heard 

Some  Scriptural  passage  which  referred 
In  the  same  breath  to  "publicans  and  sinners." 

Whene'er,  thp  phrase  your  fancy  caught, 

I  blame  you  little  if  your  thought 

(Of  ancient  parlance  recking  naught) 
Pictured  a  publican  as  one  who  waxes 

Fat  on  the-sale  of  stout  and  beer, 

A  man  of  alcoholic  cheer 

Due  to  a  bibulous  career, 
And  not  a  person  given  to  gathering  taxes. 

But  whether  you  conceived  that  he, 

Mixing  with  men  of  low  degree, 

No  better  than  they  ought  to  be,  'A 
Ifsued  demand-notes  or  purveyed  strong  liquor, 

The  bare. idea  that  such  a  name    , 

Could  bo  applied  to  me,  (for  shame!) 

Would  flush  your  brow  with  honest  flame 
And  cause  your  weltering  heart  to  creak  like  wicl:e;' 

1'et  that  reproach  I  soon  must  win! 

Tis  true  I  shall  not  keep  an  inn 

Wliere  men  consort  for  joy  of  sin, 
Where  for  a  Bacchic  rout  the  barman  caters; 

But  still,  for  so  the  horror  gripes, 

If  I  could  choose  from  these  two  types, 
'  I  'd  almost  sooner  deal  in  swipes 
Than  stoop  to  tax-collecting  (O  my  gaiters'!). 

To  think  that  I  should  so  demean 

The  gifts  on  which  'my  clergy  lean  ! 

That  I,  a  scholar  and  a  dean. 
To  whose  instructive  guidance  (under  Heaven)  you 

Owe  all  you  have  of  inward  light, 

Should  be  reduced  to  this  low  plight, 

And  have  to  spend  ins  sermon-night 
Extracting  threepenny-bits  from  out  your  revenue! 

So  runs  the  Bill  that  now  is  sent 

To  earn  the  Lords'  ill-feigned  "Content  " — 

A  social  Disestablishment 
Which,  if  I  read  the  future  right,  my  tweeny, 

Means  that  the  Ministry  must  fall ; 

Already  (in  the  servants'  hall) 

I  read  the  writing  on  the  wall, 
A  menace  tantamount  to  "  MF.NI:  !  MI.NI;  !  "    O.  fl. 


Commercial  Candour. 
.  From  a  house-agent's  catalogue  :  — 

"Sandy  soil.    Electric  Light,    Septic 


A    CHINESE    LEADER. 

.TO-DAY  I  am  going  to  write  a  leading  article  on  Chinese 
affairs."  When  events  so  tremendous  are  happening,  and 
when  they  are  so  intimately  connected  with  gorgeous  and 
high-sounding  names  it  woidd  be  a  coward's  part  to  refuse 
to  deal  with  them.  One  thing  I  must  observe  by  way  of 
preliminary  :  1  do  not  guarantee  the  spelling  of  any  sin^lj 
name  that  1  shall  use,  whether  it  be  the  name  of  a  district, 
a  town,  or  a  man.  All  I  am  certain  of  is  that  my  names 
will  be  just  as  good  and  instructive  as  the  most  accura'o 
names  that  the  most  learned  Chinese  scholar  could  devise. 
My  own  impression  is  that  these  Chinese  names  have  no 
real  existence  in  humanity  or  geography,  but  that  cor- 
respondents and  leader-writers  invent  them  as  they  go 
along  to  fill  up  gaps  and  give  verisimilitude  to  an  other- 
wise bald  and  unconvincing  narrative.'  At  that  game  I 
am  ready  to  meet  them  on  their  own  ground.  Forward, 
ilten,  my  trusty  pen  and  my  well-filled  ink-bottle,  and  let 
us  get  to  work  :— 

"  Affairs  in  the  Celestial  Empire  seem  to  be  going  from 
bad  to  worse.  Yesterday  we  published  intelligence  that 
the  sacred  City  of  Kunchau,  long  renowned  as  the  seat  of 
Chinese  Imperial  culture,  has  been  four  times  recaptured  by 
the  revolutionaries  after  having  been  twice  sacked  and  twice 
burnt  by  the  loyalists  under  the  command  of  the  veteran 
Min-Choo-Kio.  To-day  comes  the  grave  news  that  Pin- 
Tong  has  fallen  for  the  seventh  time  after  an  heroic  re- 
sistance of  five  hours.  It  is  true  that  British  and  American 
missionaries  are  reported  to  be  marching  in  overwhelming 
force  to  the  relief  of  Foo-Loo,  but  the  movement  is  tardy, 
and,  in  any  case,  the  destruction  of  the  bridges  over  the 
Vangtse-Kiang  must  throw  insuperable  obstacles  in  the 
way  of  this  column.  The  whole  of  the  fertile  province  of 
lam-Chon  lias  thus  fallen  into  the  power  of  the  Republicans, 
anil  recruits,  some  wearing  the  purple  button,  are  said  to 
ho  flocking  to  their  standard. 

1'nder  these  disastrous  conditions  no  course  but 
immediate  flight  would  seem  to  lie  open  to  the  Tsung- 
Li-Yamen.  The  Regent  is  in  tears,  while  the  Child- 
Kmpercr  has  is-sued  his  nineteenth,  ..edict  pleading  for 
forgiveness  on  the  ground  of  his  lender  age,  and  promising, 
if  the  Revolutionaries  will  retire,  to  see  that  their  demands 
are  immediately  incorporated  in  the  Chinese  constitution. 
It  is  not  likely  that  the  fierce  and  exultant  warriors,  who 
have  seen  the  hosts  of  the  green-and-yc'low  jackets  flying 
in  confusion  from  Hy-Son  and  Oo-Loug,  will  be  satisfied 
with  verbal  promises.  Indeed,  Pi-Jon-Pi,  their  leader,  has 
intimated  his  intention  of  inflicting  the  punishment  of  the 
Thousand  Slices  on  the  Emperor,,  the  Regent,  and  their 
General,  Yiian-Shi-Ki.  The  struggle  has  thus  become  one 
of  life  and  death,  and  those  who  wish  well  to  China  can 
only  hope  that  the  Ming  dynasty  will  be  allowe:!  to  have  a 
fall  as  bloodless  as  the  circumstances  will  allow.  Some 
punishment  there  must  be,  but  those  who  know 
YAT-SEN  best  are  confident  that  he  will  not 
the  triumph  of  bin  cause  by  inflicting  unnecessary 
pain  on  those  who  have  not  hitherto  seen  eye  to  eye  with 
him.  One  thing  alone  is  certain  :  China  is  crumbling  to 
pieces,  and  no  hand  seems  strong  enough  to  arrest  the 
process  of  decay.  With  the  republicans  in  undisputed 
possession  of  Man-Hang,  Woon-Ki-Bong  and  Pol-Kang  it 
is  hopeless  for  the  Court  to  resist  with  effect  any  longer. 
By  taking  refuge  in  Jehol  they  may  postpone  the  evil 
moment,  but  they  cannot  possibly  avert  it." 

How  does  that  strike  you'.'  For  my  part,  I  am  amazed 
ut  my  close  acquaintance  with  Chinese  customs  and  Chinese 
nomenclature.  But  the  fact  is,  nobody  can  know,  until  he 
tries,  how  easv  it  is  to  write  a  Chinese  leader. 


disgrace 


PUNCH,   OK  THIS   LONDON    CM  Mil  \\UI.-D. ,  KMKI  K  i:i.  1911. 


AS  BETWEEN   FKIENDS. 


BmriHH  LIOH  (/o  B»,««»  B«,r).  "IF  WE    HADN'T    SUCH   A  THOROUGH 
MIGHT  ALMOST   BE  TEMPTED  TO  ASK  WHAT  YOU'RE  DOING  THEI5E 
1'LAYFELLOW." 


UK, iiiu.iii.  ia.  1911.] 


,  on  TIII-:  LONDON  cu AI:I\  AIM. 


LE   MOT  JUSTE. 

"I  nECRKT,  MADAM,  THAT  \\K  DO  NOT  STOCK  'Bt.fE  DANUBE*  SOAP." 
'•WK  CAN  oBT.iry  IT  FOR  vor,  MADAM." 


CAN  YOU  GET  IT  roi:  ME!" 


COMING  HOME  TO  GET 
MARRIED. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  the  author 
of"  Going  Out  to  get  Married,"  in  "  The 
Daily  Chronicle"  of  December  5t1i.) 

MARBIAGE  is  afc  best  a  lottery.  But 
marriage  of  which  the  preliminary 
period  is  robbed  by  distance  of  its 
opportunities  for  mutual  knowledge  is 
beset  with  terrific  perils.  An  Anglo- 
Indian  or  Anglo-Burmese  engagement 
menus  usually  two  or  three  years  of 
love-making  by  letter  only ;  and  though 
the  pen  may  be  mightier  than  the 
sword  it  is  no  less  dangerous  a  weapon. 
Hong  Kong,  British  Columbia,  or  Aust- 
ralia often  sever  betrothed  couples  for 
four  or  five  years,  when  it  would  be  far 
better  for  them  never  to  meet  again. 
But  a  tragic  sense  of  loyalty  too  often 
impels  the  lover  to  come  and  fetch  his 
lady.  For  a  long  time  the  nervous,  shy 
and  blushing  bridegroom  has  been  out- 
of-date.  Fashion  nowadays  decrees 
^elf-possession,  and  the  needs  of  the 
Empire  have  evolved  an  heroic  type. 
Men  who  ultimately  come  home  to  get 
married  have  to  be  brave  indeed.  Now 


and  then,  however,  well-substantiated 
reports  will  reach  the  returning  bride- 
groom and  the  match  is  broken  off. 
Even  at  the  eleventh  hour  rumour  has 
saved  the  victim  from  taking  the  fatal 
step. 

Thus  a  man  coming  home  to  get 
married  in  Manchester  overheard  a  great 
deal  of  strange  talk  regarding  a  certain 
Miss  B.  Before  reaching  Aden  incon- 
trovertible proofs  were  forthcoming 
that  this  was  hia  Miss  B.,  and  that  sha 
was  not  the  sort  of  girl  he  could 
possibly  wed.  With  heroic  prompti- 
tude he  disembarked,  ceased  his  home- 
ward journey  and  returned  to  India, 
where  he  married  a  wealthy  Begum. 
Miss  B.,  who  never  returned  his  pre- 
sents, though  she  was  already  engaged 
to  another  man,  cabled  her  grateful 
congratulations,  and  is  now  a  happy 
matron  at  Chowbont. 

In  another  authentic  example  the 
instinct  of  the  returning  bridegroom 
served  him  well.  Four  years  earlier 
he  had  plighted  his  troth  to  a  slim 
young  girl,  winsome,  svelte,  and  deeply 
religious.  He  landed — every  arrange- 
ment had  been  made  for  the  wedding  on 


the  following  day — and  a  mountainous 
creature  weighing  fourteen  htono  hurled 
herself  into  his  arms.  Disengaging 
himself  from  her  embrace  he  looked  at 
her  straight.  "  Mabel,"  he  said  in 
fearless  tones,  "  I  'in  sorry,  but  I  can- 
not commit  bigamy,  for  you  're  twice 
the  woman  you  were  when  I  promised 
to  marry  you.  I  shall  book  my  passage 
by  the  next  steamer  to  India."  Most 
men  would  have  quailed  before  such  a 
task,  but  this  man — he  was  an  indigo 
planter  with  an  iron  constitution — was 
as  good  as  his  word.  Mabel  was 
shortly  afterwards  registered  to  a  stock- 
broker, and  ultimately  died  in  extreme 
affluence. 

Truly  the  bridegroom  coming  home 
has  need  to  be  of  the  stuff  of  heroes. 


The  Glasgow  Herald,  describing  the 
KINO-EMPEROR'S  reception  at  Bombay, 
says: — "Over  the  dais  was  a  canopy 
of  royal  blue  silk  surmounted  by  the 
crowd."  Is  Delhi  behind  Bombay  ? 
We  do  not  hear  of  any  grand -stand 
enjoying  so  exceptional  a  point  of 
vantage  at  the  Durbar. 


432 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


i  l) 


1911. 


woman   and 
provided    at 


LOOKED   IN   THE   MOUTH. 

WITH  a  view  to  see  not  only  what  I 
might  give  to  other  people  for  Christ- 
mas, hut  if  there  should  he  anything 
that  they  might  give  me,  I  have  been 
loafing  in  Bond  Street  and  Regent 
Street ;  and  the  harvest  of  this  quiet 
eye  is  curiously  barren.  But,  when  it 
comes  to  the  thing  that  one  wishes 
neither  to  distribute  nor  receive,  how 
profuse  a  crop ! 

The  peculiar  feature  of  "  Xmas 
presents  "  seems  to  be  a  perverse  and 
dainty  superfluousness.  Every  man, 
child,  for  example,  was 
birth  by  a  thoughtful 
Providence  with  a  stamp-licking  ap- 
paratus at  once  neat  and  efficacious. 
Yet  half  Bond  Street  is  devoted  to 
silver  and  gold  mechanisms  for  reliev- 
ing the  tongue  of  this  trifling  burden. 
I'os-sihly  the  activities  of 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  have 
led  to  the  increase  in 
these  machines,  although 
few  persons  keep  enough 
servants  to  be  caused  any 
serious  inconvenience. 
Supposing  anyone  were 
to  give  me  a  stamp- 
damper,  what  should  I 
do  with  it?  It  would 
go  at  once  into  the  limbo 
of  inoperative  gifts  ;  and 
this  being  so  am  I  likely 
to  give  it  to  anyone? 

The  assistant  next 
showed  me  a  number  of 
beautifully  made  articles 
in  precious  metal,  all  of 
which  I  have  spent 
valuable  years  of  my  life 
in  learning  to  do  without  so  completely 
that  were  any  of  them  to'be  given  to  me 
now  they  would  not  only  utterly  dis- 
arrange my  scheme  of  pockets  but 
dislocate  my  very  existence.  Cigar- 
cutters,  for.  example,  of  gold,  in  the 


This,  as*  a.  desirable  addition  to  my 
toilet  table,  after  twenty  years  of  fidelity 
to  one  black-handled  hollow-ground. 
"  But  supposing,"  1  said,  "  that  by 
mischance  I  should  shave  myself  with 
Tuesday's  razor  on  Wednesday,  what 
then  ?  "  It  didn't  matter,  the  shopman 
assured  me.  "  Ah,  yes,"  I  said  ;  "  but 
have  you  no  superstitions,  man  ?  Sup- 
pose that  on  Wednesday  it  was  Friday's 
razor  I  used  by  mistake?  That  would 
give  me  two  unlucky  days  in  one  week." 
This  seemed  to  impress  him,  and  ho 
switched  me  hastily  on  to  an  egg- 
decapitator.  There  are  men,  it  seems, 
youthful  residents  in  chambers  for  the 
most  part,  who  want  egg-decapitators. 
Well,  let  them  direct  their  generous 
relatives  to  Bond  Street,  for  I  saw  a 
shopful ;  but  if  anybody  were  to  send 
me  one  I  should  emigrate.  These 
things  are  made  of  silver — naturally— 


£«•  v.i»ffiififeS£b<fci£^e3Hl^     • 


BUKIM;  A  STORM  IN  INDIA  THE  MUL-STOXES  WERE  SAID 

TEXXIS    BALLS.".       VEUV    i'OXKl-slXU  ! 


What  else  did  I  see — all  labelled 
"useful,''  of  course?  I  saw  in  one 
window  oft  Piccadilly  briar  pipes  of 
immense  age — older  than  the  choicest 
brandy,  almost,  and  dearer — pipes 
dating  from  1810  and  1820,  which  you 
may  possess  and  smoke  for  a  trifle  of 
live  pounds  apiece.  These  are  called 
"Gifts  for  Gentlemen."  I  hope  that 
no  one  will  think  me  gentleman  enough 
to  own  one,  for  it  would  bo  a  ceaseless 
responsibility.  I  should  either  have  to 
fix  a  chain  to  it  or  forget  it  and  enjoy 
my  tobacco. 

One  thing,  however,  I  did  see  which 
at  once  I  realised  would  make  a  good 
present,  not  for  me  but  for  my  nephew 
Robert.  A  pocket  electric  lamp.  For 
what  a  godsend  it  would  have  been  to 
us,  in  my  day,  I  thought.  How  we 
would  have  read  under  the  clothes  half 
the  night  through  by  the  light  of  things 
like  that,  instead  of 
perilous  lumps  of  phos- 
phorus in  a  bottle!  The 
Ballantyne  or  Kingston 
or  Stevenson  that  had 
to  l)o  laid  aside  so  regret- 
fully at  bedtime  could 
have  gone  on  delighting 
for  another  hour  or  so. 

But   I   didn't  buy  it. 
I    thought    of   Robert's 
eyesight    and    the    dis- 
cipline   of    the    school, 
the    role    of 
of  forbidden 


shape  of  the  guillotine — a  pretty 
thought.  My  own  cigar-cutter  is 
either  a  very  shabby  knife  or,  like  my 
stamp-damper,  a  device  of  nature's 
own  invention :  two  rows  of  teeth, 
imperfect,  I  admit,  but  adequate,  since 
they  are  still  able  (bless  them  !)  to  meet 
on  the  tip  of  the  cigar  and  tear  it  from 
the  body  quite  well  enough  for  the  pur- 
pose required.  What  should  I  do  with 
the  golden  guillotine  ? 

Again,  silver-mounted  safety-razors 
are  useless  to  me  since  I  use  one  of  the 
old  razors.  On  informing  the  shopman 
of  this  regrettable  piece  of  obscurantism 
on  my  part,  he  at  once  produced  a  charm- 
ing case  of  leather  and  silk,  which  would 
l)e  no  disgrace  to  a  beauty's  boudoir, 
containing  no  fewer  than  seven  razors, 
each  lettered  with  the  day  of  the  week. 


and  -they  cost  quite  a  lot.  Heaven 
knows  how  you-  use  them,  but  they 
are  to  bring  radiance  into  many  a  heart 
this  Christmas,  if  the  shopman  is  to 
be  believed.  "  Quite  the  rage,"  lie 


assured    me. 


Wonderful     what    a 


trouble  some  gentlemen's  eggs  are  to 


them ;     but    now- 


His   silence 


sticks    with 


Not   mine 
encourager 
practices. 
And    so 
district    of 

pers  and  egg-openers  and 
cigar-cutters  and  Brud- 
skaw  cases  and  walking- 
cigarettes    in    them,   and 


I    left    this 
stamp-dam- 


plainly   said   that   here  was   the 
millennium. 


umbrellas  like  Malacca  canes,  and 
chestnut-roasters  and  all  the  other 
pretty  superfluities  which  are  ranged  so 
alluringly  under  tickets  describing  them 
as  "  Yule  Tide  Gifts,"  realising  that 
presents  are  for  the  young.  The 
middle-aged  and  the  old  wait  for  no 
oval  anniversaries:  they  buy  what  they  wish 
when  they  want  it. 


Seen  en  a  pillar-box  in  Ireland  : — 

•TOST    XO    BILLS." 
An  excellent  suggestion  for  the  Christ- 


season. 


He  next  held  up  a  choice  golden  box, 
which  turned  out  to  be  a  sovereign 
case,  with  compartments  in  it  not  only 
for  sovereigns  but  for  half-sovereigns. 
"There,"  I  said,  "that  is  really  some- 
thing like!  Anyone  who  wishes  may 
give  me  that — so  long  as  he  endows  it. 
Surely  you  have  blank  endowment- 
deeds  to  go  With  every  case?"  But|0  contenlpol,iry  has  mvented  just 

this  kind  of  humour  is  useless  in  the  Uu^ ,  ^,%i,«  L™*;™ 

the  f 

With  the  down  trains  lioi.se  de 


West-End,    where 


"The  horse  trappings  of  the  Iiulian  r.ilris, 
their  attendant -i  and  escorts  were  woi-genii*  in 
the  extreme." — Mttiichattcr  (iuunlinii. 


standing  is  that  everyone  who  enters 
a  shop  not  only  has  too  much  money 
but  has  a  car  waiting  outside.  "  Shall 
I  send  it,  or  is  your  car  waiting?" 
is  a  question  heard  on  every  side. 


one  may  use  the  phrase),  there  was  a 
ther  line."—  ir,:iti;;i  Jkiilij 


i  the 


\Ye  gladly  give  the  writer  permission  to 
]  use  this  rather  unusual  phrase. 


DK.KM.-.KH  13,  1911.]  PUNCH,    Oil    THK    LONDON    CHA  K  I  V  A  U I . 


CHCCSE 


Jan.  B   Ul'X  M   . ^1     • — • 

jsKSy**!    IIP!  F 

^vC-fore  th-*t  clat,^  |  I      '  .^^Bto^ 


to  rHe 


arent. 


OUR   POLYTECHNICS. 

t     ''MY   BOY  WISHES  TO   BECOME  A   LION-TAMER.      HAVE  YOU   ANY   CLASSES   IX   THAT 

..„,  NOT  AT  PP.ESEST;  BUT  IF  WE  COULD  GET  TOGETHER  A  SUFFICIENT  NUMBER  OK  PUPIW-SAY  TWI 
MIGHT  BE  INDUCED  TO  ENTERTAIN  THE  IDEA." 


A  STRAIGHT  TALK  TO  A  COLD. 

Cow),  hast  thou  ever  thought,  I  wonder, 

How  earnestly  for  thee  men  toil, 
What  woods,  what  wildernesses  plunder, 

To  rid  them  of  thy  coil  ? 
How   the    fell    bane  that    here    hath 
gripped  us 

Makes  hunters,  lean  and  spare, 
In  lands  ufar  (whose  namehas  slipped  us) 
Follow  the  frightful  eucalyptus 

Into  his  low-dug  lair  ? 

How  chemists,  snatching  up  the  pestle, 

Ammoniate  the  mild  quinine  ; 
How  many  a  jujube-laden  vessel 

In  London  docks  is  seen ; 
How  men  buy  comforters  and  pin 
on, 

How  Scotchmen  in  the  Fleet 
Are  heard  to  say  to  waiters,  "  Dinna, 

mon ; 
I'll  tak'  a  twa  three  draps  of  cinnamon, 

And  no  the  whuskey  neat"? 

(Not  that  I  've  ever  heard  'em  do  so 
But  still  I  rather  like  that  rhyme.) 

0  Cold,  surrounded  by  thy  trousseau 
Of  handkerchiefs,  what  crime 


em 


Have  I  committed  that  thou  huggest 

This  bosom  in  thy  hold  ? 
Was  I  the  fondest  form,  the  snuggest 
To  cling  to,  and  defy  the  druggist, 

Thou  fair  and  cruel  Cold  ? 

In  vain  the  menthol  and  the  camphor, 

The  mustard  and  the  Shetland  shawl ; 

These  things  thou' dost  not  care  a  dam 

for, 

Thou  hast  me  in  thy  thrall; 
What  art  thou,  Cold,  and  whence 

arisen  ? 

How  did  I  take  thee  first  ? 
Whose  eyes  of  old  didst  thou  bedizen 
With  tear-drops,  and  what   brain  im- 
prison, 
0  sorceress  accurst  ? 

Was  it,  in  fact,  some  total  stranger 

From  whom  Icaught  this  vile  catarrh? 
Or  was  some  loved  one  the  exchanger  ? 

'Twere  comfort  from  afar, 
Howe'er  so  obstinate  the  chill  is, 

To  dream,  to  muse,  to  think, 
"  This  was  the  cold  of  Amaryllis 
That   makes  'my  cheeks   as  white  as 
lilies, 

My  nose  as  salmon  pink." 


But  no!     Importunate  arrival, 
I  may  not  track  thee  to  thy  start, 

I  may  not  shorten  thy  survival 
By  drugs  from  any  mart ; 

This   much   remains,   with  spice   and 

essence 
And  odours  of  the  East 

To  modify  thy  effervescence 

And  make  men   cower  before   thy 


presence ; 
That  is  some  fun  at  least. 


"Aid.  W.  R.  Parker  moved  that  crn-hro- 
s|iiiml  fever  and  sent*  lolioinyi'litis  I*  made 
compulsory,  which  was  agreed  t..." 

Knulal  iffivury. 

We  suppose  The  Daily  Mail  is  too 
busy  with  its  compulsory  insurance 
protest  to  start  a  movement  against 
this.  We  are  therefore  compelled  to 
organise  the  opposition  ourselves,  and 
are  hiring  the  Crystal  Palace  next 
Tuesday  for  the  purpose  of  a  mass 
meeting. 

"The  Vicar  will  giv?  a  »hoit  «ddrw«,  whiUt 
the  anthem  will  le  'The  Two  Ai-roUU.'  ". 

Bfartjivol  Time*, 

Our  favourite  anthem. 


434 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CIIA1UVAHI.          [DECEMBER  1:3,  1911. 


AN    INFORMAL    EVENING. 

DINNER  was  a  very  quiet  affair. 
Nobody  drew  my  chair  away  from 
under  me  as  1  sat  down,  and  during 
the  meal  nobody  threw  bread  about. 
We  talked  gently  of  art  and  politics 
and  tilings  ;  and  when  the  ladies  left 
there  was  no  booby  trap  waiting  for 
them  at  the  door.  In  a  word,  nothing 
to  prepare  mo  for  what  was  to 
follow. 

We  strolled  leisurely  into  the  draw- 
ing-room. A  glance  told  me  the  worst. 
The  ladies  were  in  a  cluster  round  Miss 
Power,  and  Miss  Power  was  on  the 
floor.  She  got  up  quickly  as  we  came 
in. 

"  We  were  trying  to  go  underneath 
the  poker,"  she  explained.  "  Can  you 
do  it  ?  " 

I  waved  the  poker  back. 

"  Let  me  see  you  do  it  again,"  I 
said.  "  I  missed  the  first  part." 

"Oh,  I  can  never  do  it.  Bob,  you 
show  us." 

Bob  is  an  active  young  fellow.  He 
took  the  poker,  rested  the  end  on  the 
floor,  and  then  twisted  himself  under- 
neath his  right  arm.  I  expected  to  see 
him  come  up  inside  out,  but  he  seemed 
to  be  much  the  same  after  it.  How- 
ever, no  doubt  his  organs  are  all  on  the 
wrong  side  now. 

"  Yes,  that's  how  I  should  do  it," 
I  said  hastily. 

But  Miss  Power  was  firm.  She 
gave  me  the  poker.  I  pressed  it  hard 
on  the  floor,  said  good-bye  to  them  all, 
and  dived.  I  got  half-way  round,  and 
was  supporting  myself  upside  down  by 
one  toe  and  the  slippery  end  of  the 
poker,  when  it  suddenly  occurred  to 
me  that  the  earth  was  revolving  at  an 
incredible  speed  on  its  own  axis,  and 
that,  in  addition,  we  were  hurtling 
at  thousands  of  miles  a  minute  round 
the  sun.  It  seemed  impossible  in 
these  circumstances  that  I  should  keep 
my  balance  any  longer;  and  as  soon 
as  I  realised  this  the  poker  began  to 
slip.  I  was  in  no  sort  of  position  to 
do  anything  about  it,  and  we  came 
down  heavily  together. 

"  Oh,  what  a  pity !  "  said  Miss  Power. 
"  I  quite  thought  you  'd  done  it." 

"  Being  actually  on  the  spot,"  I  said, 
"  I  knew  that  I  hadn't." 

"Do  try  again." 

"  Not  till  the  ground 's  a  little  softer." 

"Let's  do  the  jam-pot  trick,"  said 
another  girl. 

"  I  'm  not  going  under  a  jam-pot  foi 
anybody,"  I  murmured  to  myself. 

However,  it  turned  out  that  this  trick 
was  quite  different.  You  place  a  book 
(MACAULAY'S  Essays  or  what  not)  on 
the  jam-pot  and  sit  on  the  book,  one 
heel  only  touching  the  ground.  In  the 


right  hand  you  have  a  box  of  matches, 
in  the  left  a  candle.  The  jam-pot,  of 
course,  is  on  its  side,  so  that  it  can 
roll  beneath  you.  Then  you  light  the 
candle  .  .  .  and  hand  it  to  anybody 
who  wants  to  go  to  bed. 

I  was  ready  to  give  way  to  the 
ladies  here,  but  even  while  I  was 
)owing  and  saying,  "  Not  at  all,"  I 
bund  myself  on  one  of  the  jam  pots 
with  Bob  next  to  me  on  another.  To 
)alance  with  the  arms  outstretched  was 
not  so  difficult ;  but  as  the  matches 
were  then  about  six  feet  from  the 
candle  and  there  seemed  no  way  of 
getting  them  nearer  together  the 
solution  of  the  problem  was  as  remote 
as  ever.  Three  times  I  brought  my 
iiands  together,  and  three  times  the 
jam-pot  left  me. 

"  Well  played,  Bob,"  said  somebody. 
The  bounder  had  done  it. 

I  looked  at  his  jam  pot. 

"  There  you  are,"  I  said,  " '  Raspberry 
—1909.'  Mine's  '  Gooseberry— 191l',' 
a  rotten  vintage.  And  look  at  my  book, 
A  lone  on  the.  Prairie;  and  you've  got 
The  Mormon's  Wedding.  No  wonder  I 
couldn't  do  it." 

I  refused  to  try  it  again  as  I  didn't 
think  I  was  being  treated  fairly ;  and 
after  Bob  and  Miss  Power  had  had  a 
race  at  it,  which  Bob  won,  we  got  on 
to  something  else. 

"  Of  course  you  can  pick  a  pin  out 
of  a  chair  with  your  teeth  ?  "  said  Miss 
Power. 

"  Not  properly,"  I  said.  "  I  always 
swallow  the  pin." 

"  I  suppose  it  doesn't  count  if  you 
swallow  the  pin,"  said  Miss  Power 
thoughtfully. 

"  I  don't  know.  I  've  never  really 
thought  about  that  side  of  it  much. 
Anyhow,  unless  you  've  got  a  whole 
lot  of  pins  you  don't  want,  don't  ask 
me  to  do  it  to-night." 

Accordingly  we  passed  on  to  the 
water-trick.  I  refused  at  this,  but 
Miss  Power  went  full  length  on  the 
floor  with  a  glass  of  water  balanced 
on  her  forehead  and  came  up  again 
without  spilling  a  single  drop.  Per- 
sonally I  shouldn't  have  minded  spilling 
a  single  drop  ;  it  was  the  thought  of 
spilling  the  whole  glass  that  kept  me 
back.  Anyway  it  is  a  useless  trick, 
the  need  for  which  never  arises  in  an 
ordinary  career.  Picking  up  The  Times 
with  the  teeth,  while  clasping  the  left 
ankle  with  the  right  hand,  is  another 
matter.  That  might  come  in  useful  on 
occasions :  as,  for  instance,  if  having 
lost  your  left  arm  on  the  field  and 
having  to  staunch  witli  the  right  hand 
the  flow  of  blood  from  a  bullet  wound 
in  the  opposite  ankle,  you  desired  to 
glance  through  the  paper  while  waiting 
for  the  ambulance. 


me. 


"  Here's  a  nice  little  trick,"  broke  in 
Bob,  as  I  was  preparing  myself  in  this 
way  for  the  German  invasion. 

He  had  put  two  chairs  together, 
front  to  front,  and  was  standing  over 
them  —  a  loot  on  the  floor  on  each  side 
of  them,  if  that  conveys  it  to  you. 
Then  he  jumped  up,  turned  round  in 
the  air,  and  came  down  facing  the 
other  way. 

"Can  you  do  it?"  I  said  to 
Power. 

"Come  and  try,''   said  Bob   to 
"  It  's  not  really  difficult." 

I  went  and  stood  over  the  chairs. 
Then  I  moved  them  apart  and  walked 
over  to  my  hostess. 

"Good-bye,"  I  said;  "I'm  afraid  1 
must  go  now." 

"  Coward  !  "  said  somebody,  who 
knew  me  rather  better  than  the  others. 

"  It's  much  easier  than  you  think," 
said  Bob. 

"I  don't  think  it's  easy  at  all,"  I 
protested.  "  I  think  it  's  impossible." 

I  went  back  and  stood  over  the 
chairs  again.  For  some  time  I  waited 
there  in  deep  thought.  Then  I  bent 
my  knees  preparatory  to  the  spring, 
straightened  them  up,  and  said, 

"What  happens  if  you  just  miss  it  ?  " 

"  I  suppose  you  bark  your  shins  a  bit." 

"  Yes,  that's  what  I  thought." 

I  bent  my  knees  again,  worked  my 
arms  up  and  down,  and  then  stopped 
suddenly  and  said, 

"What  happens  if  you  mits  it  pretty 
easily  ?  " 

"  Oh,  you  can  do  it,  if  Bob  can,"  said 
Miss  Power  kindly. 

"  He  's  practised.  I  expect  he  started 
with  two  hassocks  and  worked  up  to 
this.  I  'm  not  afraid,  but  I  want  to 
know  the  possibilities.  If  it  's  only  a 
broken  leg  or  two,  I  don't  mind.  If 
it  's  permanent  disfigurement  I  think  I 
ought  to  consult  my  family  first." 

I  jumped  up  and  came  down  again 
the  same  way  for  practice. 

"  Very  well,"  I  said.  "  Now  I  'm 
going  to  try.  I  haven't  the  faintest 
hope  of  doing  it,  but  you  all  seem  to 
want  to  see  an  accident,  and,  anyhow, 
I  'm  not  going  to  be  called  a  coward. 
One,  two,  three  .  .  .  ." 

"  Well  done,"  cried  everybody. 

"Did  I  do  it?  "I  whispered,  as  I 
sat  on  the  floor  and  pressed  a  cushion 
against  my  shins. 

"  Rather  !  " 

"  Then,"  I  said,  massaging  my 
ankles,  "  next  time  I  shall  try  to  miss." 

A.  A.  M. 

The  Ei'cning  Times,  speaking  of  the 
Chartered  Company,  says  — 

"It.  would  he  dillioult  to  olticklly  split  the 
shares." 
Far  easier  just  to  split  an  infinitive. 


18,  1911.]          PUNCH,   OR   TI1K   LONDON   CHAHIVAIM 


.:., 


'J'lli:    IAI TlilENCED   PUBLIC   DINEIl-Ol'T,    IK   HE   DHOI-S   lll.s  CKiAl:,    DOES   NOT  ATTEMPT  TO    lit  I  KIM  I     .T  — 


WBlRO 


JUST  AT  THE  MOMENT  WHEN  THE  FI.ASII-I.IUHT  PIIOTOUKAPII  is  BEINU  TAKKV. 


MUSICAL  NOTES. 

IN  his  recently  published  work  on 
Musical  Composition,  Sir  CHARLES 
STANFORD  offers  a  vigorous  plea  for  the 
retention  of  Italian  as  the  universal 
language  for  marks  of  expression.  This 
deplorable  adhesion  to  the  old-fashioned 
Italianate  school  has,  we  rejoice  to  see, 
found  a  doughty  opponent  in  Mr.  PERCY 
GRAINGER,  the  distinguished  pianist  and 
composer,  who  has  recently  brought 
out  a  piece  of  chamber  music  which  he 
describes  as  a  "  foursome  for  strings," 
while  the  expression  marks  are  all  given 
in  English.  Thus  crescendo  molto 
becomes  "  louden  lots "  or  "  louden 
hugely,"  and  all  the  other  nuances  of 
expression  are  rendered  into  equally 
nervous  English. 


We  understand,  however,  that  Mr. 
GRAINGER  is  not  content — and  why 
should  he  bo? — with  the  importation 
of  the  golf  terms  "  foursome "  and 
"  sixsome  "  as  titles  of  pieces.  It  is  his 


intention  to  re-name  all  the  instruments 
of  the  orchestra  after  the  implements 
employed  in  the  Eoyal  and  Ancient 
Game.  Thus,  the  violin  is  to  be  called 
the  "  driver,"  the  violoncello  the 
"  bulger,"  the  trombone  the  "  brassy," 
and  the  tuba  the  "  niblick."  The 
piccolo,  because  of  its  high  register,  is 
happily  re-christened  the  "  lofter,"  and 
the  bassoon  the  "  baffy." 


j asperity.     "Hoots,  man,"  he  observed 
[  in  his  broadest  Doric,  "  it  'a  eneuch  to 
,  mak'  auld  TAM  Mounts  turn  turrtlo  in 
his  grave."          


Mr.  GRAINGER,  we  gather,  proposes  to 
call  changes  of  key  "  hazards,"  and  to 
replace  the  cumbrous  phrase  "  double- 
bar  "  by  the  simple  monosyllable 
"  tee."  The  word  "  donny  "  is  applied 
to  passages  of  a  languorous  character, 
and  instead  of  "coda"  he  proposes  to 
employ  an  infinitely  more  suggestive 
term — the  "  putting  green."  The  inno- 
vation has  been,  on  the  whole,  well 
received,  but  it  is  only  right  to  say 
that  ANDREW  KIRKALDY,  on  learning 
of  the  new  use  to  which  it  is  proposed 
to  turn  the  terminology  of  his  beloved 
game,  expressed  himself  with  sohie 


A  more  curious  outcome  of  Mr. 
PERCY  GHAJNGEK'S  epoch-making  de- 
parture is  the  extraordinary  coinci- 
dence which  has  been  revealed  by  his 
choice  of  the  phrase  "louden  lots." 
For  it  appears  that  there  is  a  dis- 
tinguished singer,  Mr.  LOUDOVN  LOTT, 
I  who  is  strongly  opposed  to  the 
'employment  of  his  name  in  a  purely 
instrumental  connection.  We  under- 
stand, however,  that  the  matter  lias 
been  referred  to  Sir  GEORGE  ASKWITH 
for  arbitration,  and  it  is  confidently 
expected  that  some  m<xlit*  i-icriuli  will 
be  discovered  by  that  irresistible 
diplomatist. 

Cricket  Notes. 

"Strings  are  being  worn  again  on  bata  Iwtli 
large  ami  small." — Ihiily  Ufa, 

So  are  splices. 


IT  NCI  I,    OR    THE    LONDON  'CHARIVARI.  '  [DKCKMBKH  13,  1911. 


STEEPLECHASING   IN    IRELAND. 

Well-primed  Old  Profaisiun:i1  (to  starter  it-Jio  is  lei'ng'reri/  particular).   "On,  LET  u.s  co,  CAPTAIN,  DAULIXT,  LET  us  <:o,   BEFOUE  TUB 

SKEY    DIES    OUT   AV    Us!" 


WHISKEY   DIES   OUT  AV    US  ! 


THE  JOY  OF  BATTLE. 

LIFE,  from  my  standpoint,  can't  be  too  exciting; 
I  love  a  fight. (when  others  do  the  fighting).. 

It 's  sweet  to  watch  a  boxer  showering  blows 
Upon  his  adversary's  shattered  nose. 

It 's  good  to  hear  two  disputatious  neighbours 
Slanging  away  with  tongues  that  cut  like  sabres. 

And  in  political  affairs  it 's  fine 

When  rows  are  seething  all  along  the  line. 

The  languid  lure  of  silence  may  enamour 
More  timid  souls ;  for  me,  I  like  a  clamour. 

And  that  is  why  the  storms  of  recent  years 
Permeate  me  with  bliss  too  deep  for  tears. 

The  Servant  Tax,  which  breeds  so  much  resentment, 
Produces  in  my  breast  a  rich  contentment, 

When  the  whole  nation  seeks  opposing  camps, 
And  all  the  countryside  resounds  with  stamps. 

It's  fine,  again,  whsn  mingled  stones  and  threats 
Pour  in  a  flood  from  shrieking  Suffragettes. 

And  then  the  frantic  Papers !    Happy  reader, 
With  virulent  abuse  in  every  leader ! 

And,  looking  on,  I  mark  with  calm  elation 
Prospects  of  yet  increasing  altercation — 


Home  Eule,  The  Suffrage,  Disestablishment, 
And  others  in  one  glorious  turmoil  blent. 

Christmas  approaches,  too,  and  its  adjacence 
Lends  a  propriety  to  my  complacence, 

Because  these  rumpuses  impending  fill 

My  joyous  heart  with  pjace  and  right  good-will. 


Startling  things  happen  in  the  West  almost  every  day, 
of  which  the  Londoner  is  left  in  complete  ignorance.  What 
reader  of  The  Times  or  Morning  Post,  for  instance,  knows 
the  true  story  of  the  Husband's  Bag  '.'  It  has  been  left  to 
TIic  Devon  and  Exeter  Gazette  to  give  the  full  particulars 
to  the  public  for  the  first  time.  Listen  : — 

':The  recent  experience  of  a  Devonian  was  singular.  He  left  home 
for  a  few  days  on  a  visit  to  a  seaside  resort,  leaving  his  wife  in  a  rather 
disconsolate  mood  because  she  missed  a  much-valued  ring,  which  the 
wore  constantly.  On  the  morning  of  the  day  of  his  return,  the 
Devonian  found  the  lost  ring  in  his  bag,  in  which  it  must  have  fallen 
when  his  good  wife  was  packing  things  in  readiness  for  her  husband's 
departure.  Not  only  did  he  restore  the  ring  to  his  wife,  but  he  also 
displayed  to  her  admiring  gaze  a  prize  (the  first)  he  had  won  in  a  whist 
drive,  being  his  initial  participation  in  such  a  gam;-." 


"Mr.  Samuel  added  that -the  number  of  new  overhead  wires  would 
he  comparatively  small,  and  placed  underground.'-' — Daily  G'mji/n'r. 

This  looks  bad  for  our  heads. 


"A  lady  recommends  her  Parlourmaid  ;  leaving  because  but '.or  bang 
engaged." — Advt.  in  "Morning  Pus/.." 

It  is,   of  course,    useless  staying   if  the  butler  is  already 
affianced. 


PUNCH,  O3  THE  LONDON  CHABIVA3L— DECEHBKB  13.  19il. 


THE  KING -EMPEROR. 

DELHI  DUF.BAP.,  DECEMBER  12,  1911. 


|)K,-|.:MI-...:H   l-MUll.]  PUNCH,    Oil    TIIK     LONDON     ClIAKIVMll. 


ESSENCE  OF   PARLIAMENT. 

(ExTi:Ai:i  1 .1"  1  i."M  Till':  I>I.M;Y  "i  T"iiv,  M.I'. 
Iloiifii'  '/  ('minimus,  Mmiiliii/,  llfccin- 
bcr4. — Noble  Lords  will  remember  how, , 
in  course  of  debate  on  historic  occasion,  | 
tbc  late  Marquis  of  SALISBURY  wa> 
perturbed  by,  as  bo  pbrased  it,  "a  vision 
of  tlio  housemaid  crossing  my  mind." 
This  evening,  in  Commons,  we  have 
sjient  quite  a  pleasant  time  with  the 
charwoman.  She  entered  at  Question-  , 
hour,  leaning  gently  but  firmly  upon  ; 
arm  of  ROWLAND  HUNT.  At  moment 
CHANCELLOR  OK  ExcHEQUERundergoing 
Catechism  rather  Longer  than  Shorter 
on  details  of  Insurance  Bill.  With 
pretty  bow  of  courtesy  and  what  tbc 
Agents  of  the  Eailwaymen  call  "re- 
cognition "bestowed  on  his  companion, 
ROWLAND  enquired  "  whether  a  char- 
woman employed  regularly  at  3s.  a  day 
for  one,  two,  or  three  days  in  each  week 
would  have  to  pay  the  full  3d.  a  week  ?  " 
McKiNNON  WOOD,  whose  knowledge 
of  domestic  economy  has  grown  to  be 
extensive  and  peculiar,  answered  in  the 
affirmative. 

Dead  silence  fell  over  House.  Looks 
of  sympathy  bent  upon  charwoman, 
mopping  her  eyes  in  protest  against  this 
fresh  testimony  of  man's  inhumanity 
to  woman.  Pained  pause  broken  by 
SXOWDEN,  who,  with  dim  recollections 
of  the  problem  of  a  woman  who  in 
succession  married  seven  husbands 
creating  embarrassment  at  a  future  in- 
definite period  as  to  which  she  actually 
belonged  to,  put  another  conundrum. 


\ 


ROWLAND    HUNTS    PKOTEUEE. 
The  ulmrliuly  "mopping  her  eyes  in  protest 
gainst  man's  inhumanity." 


' 


TRYING  JOB  FOR  A  HEAVY 
BARITONK. 


leu.     Possibly    ih.it    touch    of   nut  HIP 
made   him    kin    with     ilien    victim    ut 
Insiiranri!  Hill.    Rising  slowly,  j>. 
oiisly  pausing  for  a  moment  beforu  lie 
e,  he  asked — 

"  If  no  wages  are  paid,  how  c.m  .my- 
lliing  lie  <lu<liir'' 

'  'njitdiil    Hliilslii/   at    hi-i    liost    ' 

l<d  the  clarity  and  force,  of  this 
j  enquiry.   Almost  literally  floored  FINAN- 

i  IAI.  Si  c  Kl.TAHY  TO  TUKASfHY. 

llusiiifssiloiifi. — Insurance  Hill  passed 
'  Report  stage. 

Tuesday. — New   LEADER    OP  Ori-o- 
'  SITION,  recognising  increasing  triviality 
|  of    majority     of     Questions,     absents 
I  himself  during    three-quarters    of   an 
!  hour  devoted  to  their  purposes,  grate- 
;  fully  utilising  precious  time  that  would 
otherwise  lie  wasted.    Still  necessary 
for  form's   sake    that  the  Opposition 
should   IKS   authoritatively,  represented 
during  this  function.    Happily,  we  have 
i  ROWLAND  HUNT  ready  to  act  as  locum 
'  tewns.     His  vitality  is  equalled   only 
I  by  his  versatility.     No  sign  of  weaii- 
i  ness  clouded  his  massive  brow  when, 
1  after  his  tourney  yesterday  on  behalf 

Mr.  McKinrox  WooslhMta  worry  throuxh  of  the  supertaxed  charwoman  and  the 
Iluuie,    Htccct   Home— under   tlic    new  con-  ,  wageless  waiter,  he   rose  half-a-doxcu 
clitions : "  !  times  this  afternoon  to  ply  Ministers 

Suppose,"  he  said,  "  a  charwoman  with  questions. 

to  be  under  contract  with  five  different  In  the  main  his  attention  is  directed 
employers  will  3rf.  be  deducted  by  each  ,  to  foreign  affairs.  Is  concerned  for 
of  the  five?"  proper  shaping  of  Arbitration  Treaty 

"  No,"  said  the  FINANCIAL  SECRETARY   with   United   States.     Further,  is  not 
TO  THE  TREASURY  emphatically. 

House  breathed  again.  ROWLAND 
HUNT,  arming  the  charwoman  out, 
presently  returned  accompanied  by  a 
foreign  waiter  and  another  poser  for 
McKiNNON  WOOD.  Now  wanted  to 
know  "whether,  in  view  of  the  fact 
that  many  foreign  waiters  work  here 
for  their  food  and  lodging,  without 
wages,  relying  on  gratuities  from  cus- 
tomers, they  will  pay  anything  under 
the  National  Insurance  Bill,  and  what 
will  their  employers  pay  ?  " 
.  McKiNNON  WOOD  worked  out  sum 
showing  that  the  employer  in  such 
cases  will  certainly  pay  Id.  a  week  and 
may  (Heaven  helping  him)  recover  4<7. 
from  the  wageless  waiter. 

Reply  had  remarkable  effect  upon 
PIKE  PEASE.  Not  what  you  would 
call  an  emotional  man  by  nature.  Sits 
by  the  hour  ruminating  at  Gangway 
end  of  Front  Opposition  Bench.  Has 
never  got  over  the  shock  of  finding 
BROTHER  JACK  seated  on  Treasury 
Bench  immediately  opposite.  Admits 
that,  advancing  from  post  of  Whip  to 
Presidency  of  Education  Hoard  with 
seat  in  Cabinet,  JACK  has  done  pretty 
well.  PIKE  himself,  going  over  to 
Unionists,  never  rose  above  grade  of 
Whip,  a  post  he  resigned  last  year. 
Is  at  present,  like  foreign  waiter,  wage- 


satisfied  with  Declaration  of  London 
and  position  of  "  neutral  vessels  carry- 
ing food-stuffs  to  Bristol,  Liverpool  and 


RIVAL  TO    "CAPTAIN    I!CNSI!Y. " 
••  Hi-inn  slowly.  ponderously  I»u«ng." 
Mr.  11.  I'IKK  l'i 


410 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  13,  1911. 


Glasgow  which  are  liable  to  be  captured 
or  sunk  when  this  country  is  at  war." 

Canny  EDWARD  GHEY,  seeing  these 
Questions  on  the  Paper,  has  gone  oft  to 
Plymouth,  he  "  won't  say  for  rest,  but 
fqr  a  change."  In  his  absencD  Uxnr.i: 
SECRETARY  ACLAND  is  put  up  to  reply. 
And  very  well  ho  does  the  work. 

In  some  degree  ROWLAND  HUXT 
finds  his  parallel  on  benches  opposite 
in  person  of  MACCALLUM  SCOTT.  That 
eminent  but  modest  statesman  takes 
the  wide  world  under  his  care.  Just 
now  disposed  to  concentrate  attention 
upon  India,  with  intent  to  show  how 
lamentable  is  its  case  under  British 
administration.  Thus  across  floor  of 
House  deep  answers  deep,  ROWLAND 
HUNT  followed  by  MAcCuLLUM  SCOTT. 

Touch  of  pathos  given;  to  scene  by 
spectacle  of  WILFRID  ASHLEY,  restless 
on  otherwise  desolate  Front  Opposition 
Bench.  .  Time  was  when  he  rejoiced 
in  honoured  sobriquet  of  "  MANGNALL'S 
QUESTIONS."  A  private  Member,  it 
was  his  custom  of  an  afternoon  to 
put  down  on  the  Paper  minimum  of 
a  dozen  enquiries,  running  total  up 
to  a  S3ore  by  supplementary  interro- 
gations graciously  permitted  by  the 
SPEAKER.  In  moment  of  weakness 
accepted  invitation  from  PRINCE 
ARTHUR  to  join  staff  of  Opposition 
Whips.  Place  of  junior  Whip  is  either 
in  the  Lobby  or  the  Whips' 
Room.  Rarely  found  seated 
in  House,  still  less  familiar  at  [ 
Question  hour. 

That  period  has  irresistible 
attraction  for  WILFRID. 
Throughout  is  invariably  found 
on  Front  Opposition  Bench. 
Now  and  then,  as  happened 
to-day,  in  spite  of  resolute 
self-control  cannot  res'st  old 
temptation.  Interposes  with 
question  followed  by  the  in- 
evitable "  supplementary,"  and 
relapses  once  more  into  pained 
silence. 

Business  done. — Coal  Mines 
Bill  passed  through  Report 
stage  and,  with  compliments 
to  MASTERMAN  READY'S  skilful 
piloting,  read  a  third  time. 
Among  beneficent  clauses  is 
one  for  protection  of  ponies 
condemned  to  life-long  servi- 
tude in  mines.  For  this  long- 
needed  charter  HARRY  LAUDER 
may  take  to  himself  some 
credit.  At  dinner  given  early 
in  Session  by  HENRY  DALZIEL, 
at  which  something  like  a 
hundred  M.P.'s  met  PRIME 

MlNISTER.HARRYLAUDERCamo 

in  to  sing  how  he  "loved  a 
lassie,  a  bonnie  bonnie  lassie." 
Seizing  exceptional  opport- 


MASTERMAN   INSPIRED  BY  HARRY 
LAUDER. 

unity,  he,   from   personal    knowledge 
acquired  when  a  pit  boy,  later  told  the 


PREMIER  and  the  more  than  a  quorum  !  same 


of  Members  clustered  round  him  how 
grievously  pit  ponies,  some  fresh  from 
the  freedom  of  Dartmoor,  suffer  in  the 
narrow,  winding,  pitch-dark,  jagged- 
walled  byways  of  collieries.  Result 
seen  in  clause  of  Bill  passed  to-day, 
which,  the  Lords  will  surely  welcome. 

Wednesday.  —  After  long  fight 
National  Insurance  Bill  passed  final 
stage  by  thumping  majority  and  sent 
across  to  other  House,  by  whose  golden 
gateway  noble  Lords  stand  with  out- 
stretched arms  ready  to  receive  (he 
bantling.  (This,  of  course,  as  seen  in 
the  mind's  eye,  Horatio.)  Two  months' 
debate  on  subject  full  of  details,  arith- 
metical or  technical,  has  in  the  main 
Leen  slackly  attended,  usually  dull.  To- 
night, in  expectation  of  the  cud,  benches 
fill  up  and  interest  quickens.  To  this 
end  LLOYD  GEORGE  contributes  rousing 
speech.  HARRY  FOHSTER,  official  spokes 
man  for  the  Bill  from  Froat  Opposition 
Bench,  concludes  conspicuous  service  by 
moderate,  reasoned  speech  in  support  of 
an  amendment  indefinitely  postponing 
passage  of  Bill. 

This  CHANCELLOR  describes  as  "a 
verbose,  shifty  substitute'"  for  the 
time-honoured  motion,  identical  in 
effect,  that  "  the  Bill  bs  read  a 
third  time  on  this  day  six  months." 
PREMIER  in  smoother  phrase  takes 


BUNTY  REDMOND  PULLS  THE  STRINGS. 

[Mr.  ASQUITK,  according  to  the  Daily  Press,  has  been  three  time? 
lo  nee  liunty  Pulls  the  Strinys.] 


line.  Comments  scornfully  on 
policy  of  Opposition  in  sup- 
porting Amendment  and  re- 
fraining from  voting  against 
third  reading.  There  is  no 
halfway  house,  he  protests, 
between  Yes  and  No. 

Exciting  scene  follows  on 
CHANCELLOR'S  rebuke  of 
ROBERT  CECIL  for  alleged 
misrepresentation  of  the  Bill 
in  recent  election  at  Hit-chin. 
The  Hitchin  Bantam,  nothing 
loth,  promptly  steps  into  cock- 
pit. Has  set-to  with  the 
Treasury  Gamecock  watched 
by  the  fraternity  with  keen 
interest.  Strident  cheers  and 
counter  cheers  resound. 

At  half-past  ten  guillotine 
falls.  House  divides  on  FOR- 
STER'S  amendment,  Unionists 
bringing  up  223  supporters. 
Government  triumphed  by 
majority  of  97. 

On  Question  put  that  Bill 
be  read  a  third  time,  seemed 
for  moment  as  if  stage  would 
be  passed  without  dissent. 
KEIR  HARDIE  and  his  friends 
insisting  on  a  division,  BONAR 
LAW  led  his  men  forth.  After 
their  withdrawal  third  reading 
carried  by  majority  of  303. 

Business  done. — Insurance 
Bill  sent  on  to  the  Lords. 


DK.-KMI.KK  j:«,  1911.]          PUNCH,   OR  TIIB  LONDON   CIIARIVARL 


441 


Far  MI.?.    "'As  THI:R   BIN  ANY  CHEAT  NODS  ix  THE  I'Arcii,  Snt,  THIS  LAST  KE\V  DAYS?     I  BIX  AWAY  i\  l.i  \s.i\.  -.1,  I  '\MS'I 

SKKN    MY    'COTRIKK.'" 


EUPHEMISMS  FOR  SKINNERS. 

OUR  readers  will  be  relieved  to  learn 
that,  after  no  less  than  two  years  spent 
in  deliberation  by  a  Special  Committee, 
the  Great  Fur  Question  has  been  solved. 
In  future — if  we  take  the  precaution 
of  keeping  by  us  the  published  list  of  I 
"  permissible  "   descriptions — we   shall ! 
know  what  we  are  buying.     The  list  I 
itself  makes  the  most  delightful  read- 1 
ing  ;  indeed,  we  find  we  can  hardly  lay 
it  down.     There  we  learn  that  Dyed 
Rabbit   may  not  be  sold  as  Sable  or 
French    Seal.       That    designation    is 
"  publicly   denounced "   by  our    Com- 
mittee as  incorrect.     But  what  do  you  j 
think  is  the   correct   and   permissible 
designation?     Why,  Sable  Coney. 

Next  we  come  to  "  Rabbit,  Sheared 
and  Dyed.  '  This  is  a  little  puz/ling. 
The  more  layman  might  be  pardoned 
for  supposing  that  a  Sheared  Rabbit 
would  be  more  adapted  to  the  manu- 
facture of  leather  than  to  that  of  furs. 
But  it  is  not  so.  It  seems  that  it  may 
be  converted  (by  the  dishonest)  into 
Scul,  Electric  Seal,  Red  River  Seal, 
Hudson  Seal,  or  Musquash.  All  these 
misleading  designations  are  barred  by 
the  new  restrictions.  It  must  be  called 
Seal  Coney  or  Coney  Musquash — and 
then  you  know  where  you  are. 

Leaving,    however,   the   question   of 


Rabbits— which  we  do  with  real  regret 
— we  go  on  to  find  (which  does  not 
surprise  us)  that  Dyed  Goat  may  not 
be  sold  as  Bear.  But  it  does  surprise 
us  exceedingly  to  learn  that  it  may  be 
sold  as  Bear  Goat.  That  disposes  of 
the  Goat.  But  the  Kid  is  much  more 
adaptable.  He  has  played  many  parts 
in  his  day,  according  to  our  list.  There 
we  read  of  him  masquerading  as  a  Lama 
or  a  Broadtail  Mink,  while 

"For  those  who  im-fen-wl  a  more  fun-idle  word 
He  had  (lill'ri-eiit  names  for  these — "     .     .     .  j 

Skunk,  to  wit,  or  Russian  Sable.  But 
all  this  is  over.  In  future  he  must 
appear  as  Caracal  Kid,  and  is  in  no 
small  danger — one  would  say- -of  being 
pushed  out  to  the  glove  department. 

After  all  this  sort  of  tiling  it  is  a 
mere  anti-climax  to  learn  that  Wallaby 
Dyed  Skunk  must  be  sold  as  Skunk 
Wallaby.  One  might  almost  have 
guessed  that.  But  we  cannot  leave 
this  fascinating  subject  without  one 
or  two  bumble  suggestions  of  our  own. 
For  wo  observe  that  neither  Cow  nor 
Dog  is  dealt  with.  It  surely  cannot  be 
right  to  go  on  selling  these  as  Persian 
Lamb  or  Japanese  Black  Fox?  May 
we  not  suggest,  as  a  "permissible " 
solution  for  the  latter,  Belvoir  Tup, 
and  for  the  former,  quite  simply, 
Lamb  Cow  '.' 


For  although  wo  feel  bound  heartily 
to  commend  the  list  as  a  whole, 
regarding  it  as  an  important  step  in 
the  direction  of  Commercial  Candour, 
we  cannot  but  think  that  it  will  press 
heavily  upon  dealers  in  what  we  may 
call  our  native  furs.  The  Kitten,  the 
Ferret  and  the  Weasel  cannot  hope 
to  attain  success,  any  more  than  an 
operatic  singer  c«ui,  without  the  ctichft 
of  a  foreign  name  and  reputation.  While 
freely  admitting  that  these  must  not 
continue  to  be  sold  as  Genuine  Russian 
Sable  or  Silver  Fox,  we  should  be  sorry 
nevertheless  to  seo  them  excluded  al- 
together. We  therefore  hope  that  the 
following  additions  will  yet  be  made 
before  the  list  comes  into  operation  :  — 
Plucked  Kitten  —  "permissible"  de- 

signation, Swansdown  Tabby. 
Weasel,    Pulled     and     Scorched  — 

••permissible"  designation,  Scotch 

Skunk. 
Ferret,  Boiled  and  Crimped—"  per- 

missible" designation,   Astrakhan 

Stoat.  _ 

From  a  story  in  The  Japan  Chronicle  : 


tnnieil  ipiii-kly  to  liml  an 
iliKir-|inrtiT  liMikin^;  lapiiliy  in  «  hushed  roic*. 
Sin-  li«tc-ix'<l  fur  a  liniment.  then  screamed  «nd 
Ku-k  into  the  room." 


k  into  the  room. 

It  was  Jasper!     She  recognised  him 
by  the  impediment  in  his  eye. 


44-2 


PUNCH,    OR     TIIK    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  IDKCFMBER  J3,  191]. 


THE  CHARWOMAN   PROBLEM. 

fit  i.s  understood  (or  misunderstood)  that  the 
insurance  tax  for  em  Jiloyei  s  of  charwomen  will 
have  to  bo  paid  by  the  person  that  employs 
her  earliest  in  the  week.] 

Miss  Latitia  Chaddock,  "  Sunnyside," 
Burn-ash,  to  Mrs.  Gibbs,  No.  1,  Love 
Lane. 

OWING  to  an  alteration  in  herdomestic 
arrangements,  in  future  Miss  Chaddock 
will  expect  Mrs.  Gibbs  to  come  and 
wash  on  Tuesday,  and  to  clean  on 
Thursday  and  Saturday,  instead  of  on 
Monday,  Wednesday  and  Friday,  as  at 
present.  The  new  riyims  will  com- 
mence n3xt  week. 

Mrs.  Gibbs  to  Miss  Chaddock  (per 

Master  Harry  Gibbs). 
MADAM,  —  Tewsdays,  Thursdays  and 
Satterdays  I  am  engaged  to  Mrs.  Brunt, 
at  the  Lawrells.  Not  being  wishful 
to  make  trubble  will  you  speke  to  her 
yourself? 

Yours  respectful       ANN  GIBBS. 

Miss  Chaddock  to  Mrs.  Brunt,  "  The 

Laurels." 

MY  DEAR  MRS.  BRUNT,  —  Looking  out 
of  my  window  this  morning  at  your 
dear  little  ones  disporting  themselves 
on  the  lawn  I  was  impressed  by  the 
number  of  clean  garments  they  must 
need  in  a  week.  It  struck  me  forcibly 
that  it  would  be  a  great  help  to  you  if 
you  had  your  washday  on  Monday,  so 
that  your  maid  would  have  the  week 
before  her  for  the  ironing.  I  must 
apologise  for  my  apparent  unneigh- 
bourliness  in  not  suggesting  this  before, 
bjt  you  know  how  my  frequent  head- 
aches often  prevent  me  from  thinking 
connectedly  for  days  together.  I  now 
feel  it  to  be  my  duty  to  propose  an 
exchange  of  days.  Mrs.  Gibbs  is  eager 
for  this,  and  I  think  that  we  should 
both  benefit  by  having  a  contented 
charwoman.  Kiss  the  dear  children 
for  me.  Yours  affectionately, 

CHADDOCK. 


Mrs.  Bnmt  to  Miss  Chaddock. 
MY  DEAR  Miss  CHADDOCK,  —  I  should 
be  delighted  to  agree  to  jour  most 
kindly  and  thoughtful  arrangement,  but 
unfortunately  my  husband  has  taken  a 
most  prominent  part  in  opposing  the 
new  Servant  Tax.  Publicly  —  in  The 
Daily  Mail  —  he  has  pledged  himself  to 
pay  nothing  to  the  Welsh  myrmidons  — 
as  he  cuttingly  described  Mr.  Lloyd 
George's  underlings.  This  new  tax, 
which  applies  to  charwomen,  has  doubt- 
less escaped  your  notice,  I  am  so  much 
obliged  to  you  for  your  kind  offer, 
which  only  Mr.  Brunt's  prominence 
as  a  political  leader  hinders  me  from 
accepting.  Yours  affectionately, 
MABEL  BRUNT. 


Miss  Chaddock  to  Mrs.  Gibbs. 
As  your  other  employer  has  dis- 
courteously declined  the  alteration  in 
days  which  was  suggested  solely  for 
lier  benefit,  Miss  Chaddock  begs  to 
inform  Mrs.  Gibbs  that,  as  she  has 
conscientious  objections  to  paying  the ; 
iniquitous  tax  imposed  by  the  Chan- 
cellor of  the  Exchequer,  tho  pay- 
ment for  washing  on  Monday  will  be 
reduced  from  2s.  Gd.  to  26'.  3(7.  Miss 
Chaddock  does  this  with  the  greatest 
reluctance,  hut  she  feels  it  her  duty  to 
bring  home  to  the  democracy  the  abyss 
down  which  Great  Britain  is  being  pro- 
pelled by  a  Welsh  solicitor. 

Mrs.  Gibbs  to  Miss  Ciiaddock. 
MADAM, — My  husband  says  he  to  has 
scrupels  against  paying  any  tackses  so 
plese  take  notise  that  for  Monday's 
wash  I  shall  want  two  and  nine. 
Trusting  this  will  suit  you, 

Yours  respectful       ANN  GIBBS. 

Miss  Chaddock  to  Mrs.  Gibbs. 
After  your  impertinent  letter,  which 
shows  the  lack  of  gratitude  in  the 
human  heart,  it  is  scarcely  necessary 
for  Miss  Chaddock  to  say  that  she  will 
not  require  your  services  again.  Miss 
Chaddock  strongly  recommends  you 
not  to  give  her  name  as  reference. 

Miss  Chaddock  to  the  Manager,  Labour 

Exchange,  Burwash. 
Miss  Chaddock  desires  to  say  that,  a.s 
she  is  overwhelmed  with  taxes  from ' 
which  she  derives  no  personal  benefit, 
she  proposes  to  make  use  of  a  govern- 
ment institution  instead  of  paying  fees 
at  a  registry  office.  If  this  should  ruin 
the  proprietors  of  registry  offices  Miss 
Chaddock  can  only  express  her  regret. 
Will  you  please  send  her  at  once  a 
charwoman  for  Mondays  (washing), 
Wednesdays  and  Fridays?  Persons 
applying  must  be  honest,  sober,  Church 
of  England,  respectable,  truthful,  hard- 
working, civil  and  good-tempered.  Miss 
Chaddock  will  pay  2s.  3(7.  (per  diem) 
for  washing,  and  2s.  for  cleaning,  to  a 
suitably  qualified  person. 

The  Manager,  Bnncasli  Labour 
Exchange,  to  Miss  Chaddock. 

MADAM, — The  only  charwoman  on 
our  list  with  Mondays,  Wednesdays 
and  Fridays  vacant  is  Mrs.  Gibbs,  of 
No.  1,  Love  Lane.  We  are  instructing 
her  to  call  on  you,  and  trust  she  will 
prove  suitable.  Her  present  employer 
is  Mrs.  Brunt,  "The  Laurels." 

Yours  truly,    S.  SMITH  (Manager). 


"  Mr.  's  interest  in  sport  showed  itself 

while  he  was  still  at  Eton,  where  he  became  one 
of  the  shooting  eight." — The  Timri. 

This  would  be  in  the  pre-Territorial 
days,  when  dog-shooting  was  a  recog- 
nised form  of  sport. 


THE    BAUM-RAB3IT. 

A   Lullaby. 

(•'  fi.iiim-ltabhit  :     n    phantom    rabbit   wliieli 
h-.uiiits     the     Manchester     cloughs. "—  Dialect 

I Ij,  tinii'i /•//.] 

Oi^  hush  thee,  my  child !  in  the  twilight 

The  bedroom  looks  eerie  and  queer, 
And  I  know  from  that  shape  on  the 
sky-light 

That  the  little  baum-rabbit  is  near; 
As  a  rule  she  's  in  hiding  till  midnight, 

But  to-day  she  is  early  astir, 
The  little  baum-rabbit  who  hunts  for 
her  habit, 

Her  trim  little  habit  of  fur. 

She  lurks  in  the  daytime  in  garrets, 

In  darksome  and  desolate  wa\s, 
And  dreams  of  the  turnips  and  carrots 

She  nibbled  in  happier  days, 
Or  ever  he  caught  her  and  skinned  her, 

That  soul-less  and  dissolute  rough, 
And  the  little   baum-rabbit  developed 
the  habit 

Of  haunting  a  Manchester  dough. 

At  night  'tis  her  custom  to  wander 

Through  factories  silent  and  vast, 
To    patter     through    workrooms    and 
ponder 

O'er  tippets  that  tell  of  a  past, 
And  when,  'mid  her  labours,  the  morning 

Breaks  grey  on  a  vista  of  furs, 
With  a  queer  little  s'.ab  it  comes  home 
to  the  rabbit 

That  none  of  these  relics  are  hers. 

She  grinds  her  diminutive  molars 

As  she  searches  in  vain  for  her  pelt 
On  a  mountain  of  skeleton  bowlers 

Or  a  pile  of  Mancestrian  felt, 
Till  a  watchman  comes  soft  round  the 

corner, 

Gives  chase  to  a  shadow  and  falls 
In   his   effort   to   grab    it — this    little 

baum-rabbit 

That  glides  through  the  factory 
walls. 

But   to-night    'tis   the   gladdest   of 

creatures 

That  squats  on  the  nursery  tiles, 
Tis  a  rodent  whose  raw  little  features 

Are  lit  by  the  sweetest  of  smiles, 
Who  knows  that  her  troubles  are  over, 
That    her  ghostly  manoeuvres   may 

cease, 
For  the  little  baum-rabbit  discovers  her 

habit 
Adorning  my  baby's  pelisse. 


More   Sweated  Labour. 

"I  have  had  paid  to  me  in  America  i'.'.'O  a 
week,  but  I  have  had  my  own  expenses  to  pay 
out  of  that." 

Mr.  HARUY  LAUDEK'S  pitiful  story  will 
bring  the  tear  to  many  an  eye.  Even 
the  actual  cigars  he  smoked  had  to  be 
paid  for  'ay  himself. 


i,,,  ,.«,„.„  i*.  i'.m. |          PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   (JIIAIJIVAKI. 


44:1 


A   DECADE'S   PROGRESS. 

1'.       AS   TIIKY    AIIK  TO-PAY. 


444 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  13.  191.1. 


CRACKERS    FOR    1911. 

IN  view  of  the  near  approach  of  Christ- 
mas the  manufacturers  of  crackers  have 
been  working  day  and  night  for  some 
weeks  past  in  the  endeavour  to  cope 
with  the  rush  of  orders ;  and  our 
readers  will  doubtless  be  interested  to 
learn  of  some  of  the  many  striking 
novelties  that  are  being  put  on  the 
market  this  season. 

It  will  be  found  that  the  1911  cracker 
has  not  escaped  the  wave  of  Orientalism 
by  which  Society  has  lately  been  over- 
taken. In  place  of  the  usual  panto- 
mimic caps  will  be  provided  turbans 
and  yashmaks  of  genuine  design,  while 
the  presence  of  frankincense  in  the 
explosive  portion  will  waft  at  least  one 
of  the  perfumes  of  the  East  across  the 
British  dinner-table. 

In  the  "  Miniature "  cracker  (the 
tiniest  on  the  market)  will  be  found  a 
complete  music-hall  dancer's  costume. 

Those  who  suffer  from  the  disturbing 
effects  of  Christmas  fare  will  be  par- 
ticularly pleased  with  the  "Antidote" 
series,  containing  dainty  little  boxes 
of  pills,  digestive  tablets  and  other 
prophylactics.  There  should  also  be  a 
considerable  demand  for  the  "  .Lloyd 
George"  brand,  with  which  is  presented 
a  Sickness  Insurance  coupon. 

Millionaires  are  adequately  catered 
for  by  the  enterprising  firm  of  De 
Luxe  &,  Co.,  who  are  selling  a  special 
line  of  crackers  in  which  is  secreted  an 
80  h.-p.  motor-car.  No  really  expensive 
dinner-party  during  the  festive  season 
will  be  complete  without  these  little 
gifts,  and  it  is  surprising  how  much 
the;  pleasure  of  the  guests  is  increased 
thereby. 

Labour  circles  will  be  interested 
in  'a  clock  which  only  goes  for  eight 
hours  a  day  and  strikes  at  unexpected 
moments. 

A  determined  effort  is  being  made  to 
substitute  something  of  a  higher  order 
for  the  insipid  verses  and  mottoes 
which  are  generally  included  in  the 
contents  of  the  old-fashioned  cracker. 
For  this  purpose  a  selection  has  been 
made  of  the  most  up-to-date  obiter 
dicta  of  statesmen,  police-court  magis- 
trates, popular  preachers  and  other 
famous  people,  of  which  we  are  privi- 
leged to  quote  a  few  examples : — 

"  When  a  husband  insists  on  beating 
his  wife  with  a  poker  every  Saturday 
night,  domestic  relations  are  almost 
bound  to  become  strained." — MR. 
PtOWDBN. 

"  No  land  can  avoid  destruction 
whose  history  is  one  of  strong  begin- 
nings but  of  week-ends." — FATHER 

^7AU(>HAN. 

"The  Arab  of  the  desert  is  my 
brother." — GENERAL  CANEVA. 


"  Under  Socialism  a  man  will  not  be  newly  arrived,  announced  her  intention 


able  to  call  even  his  false  teeth  bis 
own." — MR.  G.  K.  CHESTERTON. 

"  It  will  be  a  happy  day  for  England 
when  our  public  men  court  the  rays  of 
the  searchlight  rather  than  of  the  lime- 
light."— MR.  "WINSTON  CHUR?HILL. 

"  In  the  concert  of  Europe  1  am 
content  to  play  the  harmonium." — THE 
CROWN  PUINCE  OF  GERMANY. 

"Since  we  have  a  Government  of 
grandmothers,  it  is  clearly  woman's 
business  to  teach  them  what  every 
grandmother  ought  to  know."- -Miss 
CHRISTABEL  PANKHURST. 

"  I  have  never  been  censored  in  my 
life,  and  if  I  can  help  it  I  never  shall 
be." — MR.  CHARLES  BROOKKIKI.H. 

"  Domestic  servants  have  already 
sufficient  assurance  of  their  own  ;  they 
require  no  State  assistance." — EARL 
WINTERTON. 

"It  is  incompatible  with  the  wise 
governance  of  a  mighty  Empire  that 
its  ruler  should  invariably  have  to  go 
to  bed  at  six." — THE  EMPEROR  OF 
CHINA. 

"  The  world  is  going  to  the  dogs, 
and  the  dogs  have  my  sincerest  sym- 
pathy."— DR.  INGE. 

"  In  the  name  of  sanity,  let  us  have 
a  little  less  talk." — Mit.  G.  BERNARD 
SHAW. 

Certainly  the  youngsters  are  being 
well  provided  for  this  Christmas. 


THE    TOWN    COUSIN. 

MY  wife  and  I  live  in  London ;  my 
wife's  cousin  does  not.  And  yet,  as 
the  result  of  having  the  latter  to  stay 
with  us  for  a  week  at  our  flat,  I 
have  very  deliberately  described  her  as 
appears  in  the  title  of  this — call  it 
narrative  or  protest,  as  you  like. 

"  We  will  give  her,"  said  I  to  my 
wife,  before  the  guest  arrived,  "  the 
time  of  her  life.  What  to  you  and  me 
is  the  daily  round,  the  commonplace 
of  metropolitan  life,  shall  be  to  her 
a  perpetual  marvel.  We  will,  in  fact, 
show  her  round.  We  will  educate  her 
in  shops,  teach  her  the  fashionable 
routes,  instruct  her  in  the  subtle  art  of 
eating  food  at  the  right  place,  show 
her  the  resorts  of  the  elect,  acquaint 
her  with  the  best  theatres  and,  if  there 
is  time,  take  her  to  the  Tower,  Madame 
Tussaud's,  the  Zoo  and  other  places 
of  historical  and  traditional  interest." 

"  I  shouldn't  worry  about  the  last 
lot,"  said  my  wife. 

"  Nothing  will  be  too  much  for  me ; 
and,  besides,  I  am  not  proud." 

"  I  was  thinking  of  my  cousin,"  said 
she.  And  her  thoughts,  as  far  as  they 
went,  were  right. 

Disillusion  began  at  tea.    The  cousin, 


of  buying  a  new  hat  for  herself  on  the 
morrow.  My  wife  offered  to  guide  her 
to  Bond  Street  for  the  purpose. 

"Oh,  but  I  want  the  very  latest 
thing,"  said  the  cousin. 

"  And  what  later  than  Bond  Street?" 
I  asked. 

"Cursitor  Street,"  the  cousin  in- 
formed us,  naming,  as  I  may  not,  the 
actual  shop.  Perhaps  she  was  right ; 
perhaps  she  was  wrong.  Anyhow,  my 
wife  and  I  could  not  dispute  it.  We 
were  at  the  disadvantage  of  not  knowing 
exactly  where  Cursitor  Street  is. 

Disillusion  continued  at  dinner.  "  For 
to-morrow  night  I  have  stalls  for 
Kismet,"  I  announced. 

"Kismet?"  said  the  cousin.  She 
had  the  trick  of  repeating  one's  last 
word  with  a  query  attached  to  it. 
Anyone  can  do  that,  but  it  take*  a 
town  cousin  to  attach  a  sneer  to  the 
query.  I  wish  I  had  called  her  the 
Suburban  Cousin. 

"Yes,  Kismet,"  I  said  with  perti- 
nacious joy.  "  It 's  none  the  worse  for 
having  run  a  little.  Besides,  it  is 
OSCAR  ASCHE  and  LILIAN  BRAITHWAITE, 
you  know." 

"  LILY  BRAYTON,  you  mean,"  said 
the  cousin  airily. 

My  wife  undertook  the  burden  of 
her  next  morning.  What  had  been 
intended  for  an  exciting  education  for 
the  cousin,  turned  out  to  be  a  series 
of  depressing  corrections  for  my  wife. 
The  cousin,  I  am  credibly  informed, 
only  asked  one  question  and  disputed 
the  answer  to  that.  In  the  afternoon 
I  took  my  turn  on.  There  was  a 
delightful  little  place  in  the  West, 
where  we  would  take  tea.  Not  many 
people,  I  explained,  knew  of  it.  The 
cousin  was  not  in  the  least  impressed. 
She  did  not  state,  but  let  me  gather, 
that  everybody  knew:  of  my  tea-place 
a  long  time  ago,  but  all  the  best  people 
had  since  forgotten.  After  that  it  got 
steadily  from  bad  to  worse  and  ended 
in  the  cousin  taking  us  out  to  lunch 
and  pointing  out  to  us  Miss  PAULINE 
CHASE,  sitting  at  the  next  table  but  one. 

-::•  *  *  -::-  -it- 

Have  you  ever  been  shown  round 
your  own  home  by  a  stranger?  If 
you  have,  you  will  find  my  summing 
up  a  just,  if  a  rude  one. 

"  Well,  good-bye,"  she  said,  as  she 
parted,  with  some  of  the  most  mis- 
placed jollity  I  have  ever  been  up 
against;  "I  have  thoroughly  enjoyed 
staying  here  and  shaking  you  both  up 
a  bit.  I  don't  know  what  would  have 
happened  if  I  had  let  you  show  me 
round.  I  do  believe  you  think  1 
ought  to  have  gone  to  the  Tower,  for 
instance." 

"  For  good,"  I  corrected. 


l>i:<  KMH:IS  13, 


ri'NCII,    OR   TIIK    LONDON    CHAIMVAKI. 


J'utitnl.    "1'VK    IIEEX   AWFULLY   TROl'BI.ED    LATELY,    IHKTOI!,    WITH   MY   BCEATIIIXU. 

J^oclnr.  "Hi'M  !    I'LL  soos  GIVE  YOU  SOMETHING  TO  STOP  THAT." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

I  NKVEU  met  a  spy  yet  but  what  he  camo  to  wish,  before 
his  story  was  half  told,  that  he  was  not  a  spy.  An  inop- 
portune tendency  to  virtue  seems  common  to  the  trade.  As 
soon  as  VIOLKT  JACOB  informed  me  that  Flemington  (JOHN 
Mriii(Av)  had  gone  into  it,  I  guessed  that  he  was  a  noble 
fellow  at  heart  and  foresaw  an  early  repentance.  "The 
first  woman  with  a  pretty  face  and  a  melancholy  tale  to 
tell  will,"  I  said,  going  into  detail,  "  get  the  better  of  him." 
[f  I  had  not  gone  into  detail.  I  should  not  have  been  so  far 
out.  Like  all  the  other  spies  of  fiction,  he  developed 
scruples  at  the  important  stage.  As  has  happened  in  the 
case  of  no  other  spy  I  ever  heard  of,  it  was  a  man  that 
converted  him  to  better  ways.  Indeed,  in  everything  but 
the  one  essential,  he  is  an  original,  being  neither  an  nn- 
exceptionally  admirable  hero  nor  a  wholly  base  villain,  but 
just  an  ordinary  human  creature,  with  rather  more  than  his 
share  of  brains  and  quiet  humour  and  a  proper  proportion 
of  merits  and  demerits.  His  story  and  the  other  people  in 
it  are  as  out  of  the  way  and  as  well  done  as  himself ;  the 
whole  book,  none  the  worse  for  its  foundation  of  fact  in 
Jacobite  history  and  its  innocence  of  pink  cheeks  and  bright 
eyes,  is,  in  the  language  of  its  own  country,  "  unco'  guid  " 
(Scotch).  

Thanks  to  the  feeble  good-nature  and  incipient  senility 
of  Us  house-master,  who  by  the  terms  of  his  appointment 


was  an  irremovable  fixture,  Russell's  had  become  a  blot  on 
the  good  name  of  Bradminster.  Two  things  in  particular 
were  points  of  honour  in  the  esprit  <1e  corps  of  this  house- 
to  be  slack  at  games  and  to  make  the  life  of  the  house- 
tutor  (or  "mug")  intolerable.  How  John  .S'ro//,  a  Cambridge 
Blue,  entering  almost  straight  from  the  University  on  this 
invidious  office,  set  himself  to  the  task  of  reform,  and  stuck' 
to  it  till  he  had  seen  his  team  win  the  House  Cricket  Cup, 
is  told  by  Mr.  CHARLES  f  I-IU.KY  in  The  Neir  Ilroom  -. 


with  that  sympathetic  insight  into  the  hearts  of  |K.\S 
and  masters  which  is  bis  unique  and  inalienable  possession. 
It  is  matter  for  marvel  with  what  freshness  of  eye  and 
firmness  of  band,  after  the  many  stories  of  school  life  with 
which  he  has  delighted  us,  he  can  still  observe  and  re- 
produce the  very  nicest  distinctions  of  character.  There 
are  here  at  least  a  dozen  clear-cut  portraits  of  boys  with 
hardly  anything  in  common  but  their  boyhood.  In  Mamrll, 
the  self  -constituted  terror-  in  -chief  of  mug*,  a  nature 
strangely  mixed  of  good  and  evil,  Mr.  Ti  HLKY  has  justified 
himself  'of  a  very  difficult  essay  in  character  -dm  wing, 
though  I  admit  that  I  was  staggered  at  first  by  the  boy's 
astounding  impudence.  But  then  Russell's  was  an  «• 
ceptional  bouse.  It  produced  Iliciit,  for  instance,  whose 
natural  gift  of  stupidity  in  class  was  combined  with  a 
most  versatile  fluency  of  ideas  out  of  school  hours—  a 
wholly  delightful  creation.  The  inspired  thought  which 
prompted  him,  after  wiring  the  result  of  the  cricket  final 
to  everybody  outside  the  school  that  be  could  think  of,  to 
announce  it'also  by  wire  to  one  of  the  boys  in  his  housi-  who 


44G 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBKB  13,  1911. 


didn't  "seem  to  be  half  excited  euough,"  makes  an  admirable 
finish  to  a  book  that  sparkles  with  fun  on  almost  every 
page.  Never  obvious  or  trite  (except  perhaps  in  the  case 
of  Mr.  Uittwll's  sister-in-law,  Miss  Mi-llrrsh,  the  virago  who 


depressed  as  the  heart  of  novelist  could  desire.  There  you 
have  at  once  the  strength  of  Miss  SKKINK'S  book  and  its 
drawbacks.  For  my  own  part,  I  cling,  perhaps  a  little 
desperately,  to  the  belief  that  village  life  is  not  quite  the 


runs  the  house  for  him— a  type  so  conventionally  improbable  |  gloomy  thing  that  realistic  writers  would  have  us  suppose" 
that  I  almost  suspect  her  of  having  bosn  drawn  straight  from  '.  Old  Patience  Barfidd,  with  her  deafness,  her  poverty  and 
life)  the  story's  chief  novelty  lies  in  the  fact  that  it  takes  the  j  her  jealous  care  for  the  idiot  son  (whom'  she  must  shield 
stand-point  of  a  schoolmaster  who  is  himself  litlle  more  '  from  the  dread  notice  of  the  "believing  officer"),  is  a  central 
than  a  boy.  As  one  who,  in  his  time,  lias  been  both  boy  j  figure  both  touching  and  heroic ;  but,  as  the  lady  remarks 
and  master,  I  thank  Mr.  TUBLEY  very  sincerely  for  the  joy  <  in  Enyaijcd,  she  is  "  not  a  cheerful  object,  and  that 's  a 
he  has  given  me,  and  hope  that  it  will  be  shared  this  Christ-  fust."  The  same  is  generally  true  about  most  of  the  other 
mas  season  by  all,  of  any  age,  who  are  still  young  of  heart,  characters,  so  that  I  couldn't  be  altogether  sorry  when 


Everyone  knows  the  famous  definition  of  American  novels 
as  "dry  goods;"  but,  if  things 
continue  as  they  are  at  pre- 
sent, "sweet-stuff"  will 
become  a  more  appropriate 
term.  The  work  that  has 
started  me  upon  these  re- 
flections is  Mothers  to  "Men 
(MACMILLAN).  Warned  by 
previous  experience  that 
readers  in  the  U.S.A.  now 
take  their  fiction  with,  so  to 
speak,  more  molasses  to  it 
than  I  can  easily  digest,  I 
am  bound  to  confess  that 
the  perusal  of  Miss  ZANA 
GALE'S  native  press-notices 
led  me  to  approach  her 
present  s'.ory  with  a  certain 
amount  of  distrust.  Only 
fair  to  admit,  however,  that 
before  the  end  of  the  book 
the  charm  and  humour  of  her 
manner  had  to  a  large  extent, 
if  not  quite  wholly,  won  me 
over.  Of  course  the  thing 
is  sentimental ;  every  incident 
in  the  history  of  Friendship 
Village  and  its  mothering  by 
the  women  of  the  community 
is  so  turned  to  favour  and  to 
prettiness  that  the  total  effect 
is  rather  cloying ;  but  there 
is  plenty  of  common-sense 
and  laughter  between  whiles 
to  leaven  the  rest.  No  one, 
for  example,  can  read  the 


Patience  died  in  the  house  of  her  prosperous  son  (shamed 
at  last  into  declaring  his  identity),  and  poor  bemused  Crack 

was  left  to  burn  himself  and 
the  cottage  in  an  effort  to 
settle  the  problem  of  exist- 
ence. Perhaps  I  am  doing 
less  than  justice  to  the  au- 
thor's treatment  of  Crack  ;  it 
is,  I  willingly  almit,  both 
tender  and  sympathetic ;  but 
oh,  how  dismal! 


Lover  (to  his  reflection}. 


N~O    GOOD,    OI.Tl    MAX.        KvEN    IK    SUE 


LISTENED    TO    THE    PEOrOSAL,    YOU    HAVEN'T    THE    MONEY,    AND    THEN 
THEJIE  '.S   YOUR  FACE  !  " 


I  have  a  sort  of  idea  of 
what  was  in  Mr.  HAMILTON 
FYFE'S  mind  when  he  went 
out  to  the  Cape  to  see  the 
Duke  of  CONNAUGIIT  open 
the  first  Union  Parliament, 
and  to  write  a  book  on  the 
country.  I  seem  to  hear  him 
telling  himself  that  he  was 
in  for  some  of  the  most 
marvellous  sights  he  had 
ever  seen,  that  lie  was  going 
to  inspect  a  land  with  a 
future,  and  find  in  embryo  all 
the  factors  of  that  future. 
His  book,  South  Africa  To- 
Daij  (NASH),  proves  that  his 
conjectures  (as  I,  concsive 
them)  were  right,  but  it  also 
proves  that  ho  was  perhaps 
a  little  too  ready  to  bo 
amazed.  Even  in  Brob- 
dingnag  there 


in 
were 


some 


things  which  UuUicer  could 
contemplate  unmoved.  Mr. 
FYFE'S  wonder  at  the  dia- 

chaptcr  that  tells  how  the  ladies  of  Friendship  remedied ,  mond  mines,  for  example,  does  not  ring  quite  true.  I 
all  the  abuses  of  the  place  (by  the  simple  expedient  of 'tin!  it  difficult  to  be'.ievo  that  he  had  no  suspicion  before 
buying  the  proprietorship  of  the  local  paper  for  a  day, '  he  went  to  Kimberley  that  diamonds  were  worked  by 
and  blackmailing  the  delinquents  with  threats  of  printing '  machinery.  Another  instance  occurs  in  his  account  of 
articles  about  them)  without  being  very  heartily  amused. '-General  HEUTZOG.  As  a  preliminary  ho  mentions  two 
It  should  be  added  that  the  book  is  written  throughout  |  very  similar  personalities — Mr.  LLOYD  GEOBGE  in  English 
in  the  broadest  American,  a  language  repugnant  to  the  i  politics  and  Mr.  BOUHASSA  in  Canadian — who  combine,  in 
sensitive  ear.  But,  for  anyone  who  can  put  up  with  this,  i  his  view,  unbalanced  judgment  and  violence  in  public 
Mothers  to  Men  may  be  recommended  as  a  pleasant  enter-  j  speeches  with  charming  qualities  in  private  life.  So  that 
tainment.  j  when,  with  these  two  men  in  his  mind,  ho  finds  a  third  in 

General  HEUTZOO,  and  says  he  was  never  moro  surprised 
in  his  life,  the  surprise  fails  to  communicate  itself,  as  it 
should,  to  me.  This  ingenuousness  is  a  blemish  in  a  book 
which  is  full  of  interest  as  a  rapid  survey  of  a  vast  district. 


Miss  MARY  J.  II.  SKBINE  takes  so  long  to  get  properly 
der  weigh  with  A  liomaiice  of  thi  Simple  (AitNOLn)  that 


under 


I  was  at  first  in  some  danger  of  abandoning  it  as  chaotic 
and  stupid.  About  chapter  ten,  however,  when  Hymeon 
Morris  returned  to  his  native  village  unrecognised,  and  met 
again  his  aged  mother  and  half-witted  Crack,  his  brother, 


"The  i:ity  is  now  at  the  marcy  of  the  assailants,  who  we, 
in  position  preparatory  to  a  bombardment." — Western  JJaily  tfercury. 


the  drama  of  the  situation  began  to  grip  me;   and  before  !  The  city,  however,  is  determined  not  to  surrender  until  its 
the  end  of  the  tale  I  was  as  interested  and  as  profoundly  |  last  rock-cake  has  been  hurled. 


DECEMBER  20,  1911.]  PUNCH,    OR    THK    LONDON    CHAUIYAKI 


447 


CHARIVARIA. 

Germania,  the  organ  of  the  Roman 
Catholic  Centra  Party,  has  published  a 
cordial  invitation  to  France  to  desert 
England  and  join  (let-many  and  Austria 
in  a  new  Triple  Alliance.  France,  how- 
ever, regrets  that  previous  engagements 
prevent  her  accepting  the  kind  invita- 
tion. ;;;  „ 
•••f 

We  are  requested  to  state  that, 
in  spite  of  the  disturbed  condition  of 
China,  the  Pekin  Palaco  Dog  Associa- 
tion will  hold  a  show,  as  previously 
arranged,  at  the  Royal  Horticultural 
Hall,  Westminster,  in  January  next. 

:;:     :;: 

After  all,  a  Washington  cable  tells 
us,  the  Commission  of  Enquiry  has 
found  that  the  battleship  Maine  was 
blown  up  by  an  explo- 
sion from  the  outside 
and  not  from  the  inside. 
This  means  that  the 
Spanish-American  War 
holds  good  and  will  not 
have  to  be  cancelled. 

-•':- 

In  spite  of  many 
inducements,  our  new 
32, 000 -ton  floating 
dock  for  Dreadnoughts 
has  .refused  to  leave  the 
shipways  of  the  yard 
where  she  was  built. 
Evidently  it  is  not 
every  dock  that  takes 
to  the  water. 

A  great  sigh  of  re- 
lief went  up  from  the 
Nation  last  week  upon 
receipt  of  a  telegram  from  Mr.  CHARLES 
URBAN,  at  Delhi,  stating  that  satis- 
factory cinematograph  films  had  been 
taken  of  the  events  there.  It  would 
have  been  too  terrible  if  the  trouble 
and  expense  devoted  to  the  preparation 
of  these  ceremonies  had  been  wasted. 

'  ;;:  ' 

Describing  the  recent  mishap  to  the 
Manretania,  The  Liverpool  Echo  makes 
it  clear  thtt  while  everything  else  may 
have  been  as  it  should  be,  the  vessel's 
siren,  anyhow,  was  out  of  order. 
"  When  the  misfortune  was  discovered," 
our  contemporary  informs  us,  "  the 
liner's  siren  was  blown  at  the  acme 
of  its  power,  blast  after  blast  being 
omitted  continuously." 

*     :;: 

The  luncheon  given  by  our  Judges  to 
Mile.  MIROPLOWSKI,  the  famous  French 
barristress,  seems  to  have  been  a  great 
success.  All  were  charmed  by  the  fair 
advocate,  and  she,  in  her  turn,  pro- 
nounced at  least  one  of  the  judges  a 
Darling. 


Mr.   Justice   RIDLEY,   who,    at   the!  Chinese  Extravaganza  now  running  in 
Birmingham    Assizes,   was    hit    by   a !  Berlin  wo  are   scarcely   likely   to  see 
prisoner   aimed   at    a   this  play  produced  over  here,  for  one 


stool   which    a 


witness,  will,  it  is  said,  shortly  take  an  of  the  throe  comedy  rdlfi  is  that  of  the 
active  part  in  the  movement  in  favour;  IX>RD  CHAMIII:KI.AI\,  ami  Mr.  Cii  \ni.i  ^ 
of  Universal  Service,  as 


to  improve  the  marksmanship 


being  likely 
ship  of   the! 


nation. 


V 


Wo  note  among  the  many  interesting 
announcements  made  on  the  occasion 
of  the  Durbar  one  to  the  effect  that  all 
holders,  present  or  to  come,  of  the 
unwieldy  titles  of  Mahamahopadyaya 
and  Shamsululama  are  to  receive 
annual  pensions.  This  seems  to  be  an 


elementary  act  of  justice. 


Tlie  Globe,  in  its 


BROOKKIKLD  would  never  suffer  that  to 
pass, 


Australia  has  decided  to  buy  the 
freehold  of  the  Strand-. Mdwxch  site, 
and  to  erect  on  it  Government 
buildings.  It  is,  we  suppose,  the  old 
talo  of  the  march  of  civilisation — a 
jungle  to-day,  bricks  and  mortar  to- 
morrow. 


A  Curate  writes  to  The  Express  to 
say    that    curates    do    not    desire    to 
Hints  on  Health,"  |  come  under  the  provisions  of  the  In- 


brings  glad  tidings  to  sufferers  from  surance  Bill.  "They  are,"  he  declares, 
chilblains.  Our  roseate  contemporary  "the  healthiest  section  of  the  com- 
munity." This  is  a 
valuable  tribute  to  the 
spinsters  of  Great 
Britain,  whose  services 
in  keeping  curates 
supplied  with  carpet 
slippers,  woollen  muf- 
flers, and  smoking  caps 
have  never  been  ade- 
quately acknowledged 
before. 

V     •«• 

A  lady  who  had 
been  serving  a  term  of 
imprisonment  in  Maid- 
stone  Gaol  for  libelling 
the  Member  for  Can- 
terbury stated,  on  her 
release,  that  she  had 
had  "a  most  luxurious 
time"  in  prison.  It 
would  not  bo  a  bad 

gaols   were   to   keep 


Stricken  PuyilM. — "Hi,   TOI.ICE,  STOP  THIS 

DEGENERATE   INTO  A   PR1ZE-KIO1IT  !  " 


informs  its  readers  that  this  complaint 
may  be  referred  to  as  "  Erythema 
Pernio."  We  tried  it  the  other  day. 
We  informed  a  friend  that  we  were 
suffering  from  Erythema  Pernio,  and 
it  was  most  gratifying  to  receive  loving 
sympathy  in  the  place  of  a  callous  jest. 

The  new  Post  Office  Money-Box ! 
differs  essentially  from  the  ordinary 
child's  money-box,  we  are  told,  because 
fathers  cannot  rob  it  when  they  run 
short  of  beer  money.  Frankly,  we  think 
it  a  mistake  to  put  fathers  on  their 
metal  by  publishing  statements  of  this 
kind. 


idea 


all    our 


*  * 

* 


A  photograph  of  a  trout  yawning 
from  indigestion  was  shown  by  a  lec- 
turer at  the  Camera  Club  last  week. 
This,  of  course,  is  a  symptom  of  indi- 


Visitors'  Books  wherein  such  testi- 
monials could  be  entered — as  is  done 
at  many  other  hotels. 

*  * 

Extract  from  a  string  of  attractive 
paragraphs  in  Tlte  Daily  Mail,  written 
with  the  view  of  advertising  "  Winter 
Health  Resorts  "  :— 

"FOLKESTONE. 

As  a  result  of  the  recent  gale  which  swept 
the  south  coast,  a  large  portion  of  Lord 
Radnor's  splendid  new  marine  parade  has  been 
destroyed,  the  Victoria  Pier  had  iU  large 
landing-stage  washed  away  (this  is  the  second 
time  this  has  happened  this  year),  and  on  the 
S.E.  and  C.R.  pier  a  large  truck  was  literally 
derailed  by  the  tremendous  seas  whi<-h  swi-pt 
over  it  from  the  western  side." 

While  condoling  with  the  PRINCESS 
ROYAL  and  her  daughters  on  their 


cesti'on  not  infrequently  to  be  met  with '  experiences  in  the  wreck  of  the  Delhi, 
at  lectures.  «    cannot  help    thinking  that   it   is 

"V  rather  nice  that  even  in  this  prosaic  age 

To   judge   by  an    account    in    The  it  should  still  be  possible  for  princesses 


Observer   of   Herr    MAX   REINHARDT'B  [  to  have  adventures. 


YOU    C.M.I. 


C  C 


448 


I'UNCH,   Oil   THE   LONDON   CIIARIVAJJt. 


20,  1911. 


AN    INDIAN    LEADER.     . 

TO-DAY,  I,  too,  shall  write  a  leading  article  on  India. 
Everybody  has  heen  doing  it,  and  1  may  be  told,  therefore, 
that  my  own  article  lags  superfluous.  I  disagree.  My 
point  is  that  hitherto  nothing  lias  been  written  in  this  line 
that  can  be  laid  up  for  ever  and  referred  to  in  future  as 
the  perfect  exemplar  of  \vhat  an  Indian  article  should  be. 
Great  and  brilliant  efforts  have  be:'n  made,  but  the  results 
have  not  been  quite  commensurate  with  the  anticipations 
of  the  writers  or  the  loyal  feelings  of  the  readers.  There 
will  be 'other  Durbars  as  the  years  revolve  and,  when  these 
come  round,  Fleet  Street  and  the  surrounding  journalistic 
district  will  want  a  working  model.  That  is  exactly  what 
I  intend  to  provide,  and  I  shall  do  it  not  for  any  profit  of  my 
own,  but  out  of  a  feeling  of  altruistic  benevolence  towards 
my  fellow-writers — in  fact,  out  of  that  spirit  of  unselfish 
devotion  which  has  made  Englishmen  what  they  are. 

First  of  all  let  me  see  what  1  've  got  to  get  in  if  there  is 
to  be  the  real  Indian  flavour  about  the  article.     Here  is  a 
short  list : — 
:  (1)  The  GREAT  WHITE  EA*. 

(2)  The  KING-EMPEROR  and  his  gracious  CONSORT. 

(3)  -The^epectacle  of  unparalleled  splendour. 
'  (4)  -The  dusky  feudatories. 

:  (5)  Their  haughty  and  be-jewolled  retinue. 

(6)  The  scarred  veterans  of  our  innumerable  wars. 

(7)  Turbaned  hosts  with  their  flashing  scimitars. 

(8)  Little  did  OLIVE  think,  when,  at  Plassy— 

(9)  Princes  whose  history  readies  back  into  the  turbu- 
lence of  the  remote  past. 

(10)  A    land    that    still    echoes    with    the     deeds     of 
AUHUNGZEBE  and  AKBAI:. 

':•  (H)<"Fiel\;o  Pathans  and  learned  Bengalis  joined  in  one 
exultant  acclaim  of  loyal  devotion. 

(12)  Delhi,  the  Imperial  City,  the  storehouse  of  noble 
traditions. 

-  (13)  'What  would  WARDEN  HASTINGS  have  thought  if— 

•  (14>)'Those  silent  representatives  of  the  British  genius 
for  administration  and  government. 

(15)'  There  was  a  time  wh<?n,  to  use  an  expressive  phrase 
now  become  obsolete,  Englishmen  thought  only  of  shaking 
the  pagodti  tree.  That  time  has  gone  for  ever. 

(16)  -If  the  GREAT  MOGUL  could  have  risen  from  his  grave 
beneath  the  palms  and  minarets— 

(17)  Hindus   and   Mohammedans    have    vied    with  one 
another — 

(18)  A  shout  that  drowned  even  the  crash  of  the  guns 
thundering  out  the  Imperial  salute. 

(19)  India  is  not  as  England   is,  and   until    tin   scnti- 
mentalists.and  visionaries  rid  themselves — 

(20)  India  with  her  teeming  millions. 

(21)  Warlike  Mahratta  chieftains  in  armour  of  burnished 
gold. 

(22)  The  sacred  river   in   whoso  waters  generations  of 
pious  devotees 

(23)  It  is    in   no   spirit  of  vain  self-complacency  that 
we  point  with  pride  to  yesterday's  stupendous-  ceremonial. 
No  other  nation — 

(24)  Mere  strength  could  never  have  consolidated  such 
an  Empire  or  deserved  such  loyalty.     Though  strength  can 
do  much,  it  is  by  wisdom  and  benevolence— 

(25)  If  the  great  administrators  and  officials  of  the  Easl 
India  Company  could  for  a  moment  revisit  the  scene  of 
their  labours,  we  may  be  sure  they — 

(26)  It  was  well  said  by  Lord— 

(27)  The    historic    Maidan    never    saw    a   sight    more 
glorious • 

(26)  East  is  East  and  West  is  West,  but  the  twain— 


Having  thus  set  down  the  essentials  it  seems  to  me,  on 
second  thoughts,  quite  useless  to  fill  in  the  trivial  gaps. 
Those  who  study  my  list  and  employ  it  will  be  able  to 
write  an  Indian  loader  of  the  very  highest  quality.  But  if 
anyone  still  hesitates  let  him  drop  me  a  line  and  1  will 
send  him  the  thing  complete  down  to  the  very  smallest 
detail.  I  will  even  tell  him  the  value  of  a  lakh  of  rupees 
in  English  money. 


Pi: ACE   FOR   PESTERED   PEDAGOGUES. 

WHY  continue  to  cudgel  your  brains  at  the  end  of  each 
term  for  suitable  "remarks"  for  terminal  reports'.'  Send 
us  in  confidence  the  subject-teacher's  candid  opinion  of  the 
child  in  question  and  we  will  despatch  suitable  translations 
by  return  ol  po«t.  Fees  moderate.  Apply 
LvmsicANTs,  LUUTKU 

(Literary  1  Department), 
163o.-\,  Coed  Old  Broad  Slieet,  E.C. 
I  '.\umples  appended  : — 

PmvATi:  OPINION.  PI/HLIC  EXI-KKSSION  OF- 

SAM::. 

English.  English. 

Hopeless  slacker.  Must  not  allow   his  un- 

doubted talents  tob  •  wasted 
for  lack  of  thorough  appli- 
cation. 

Pure  Mathematics.  1'urc  Matheinali<-s. 

Cribs  unblushingly — un-  Fails   to   appreciate   the 

principled  little  cad.  value     of     honest,     pains- 

taking work. 

Applied  Mathematics.  Applied  Mathematics. 

Dodges  every  problem —  Book-work  excellent,  but 

learns  like  a  parrot.  is  lacking  in  initiative  and 

must  learn  to  (tpphi  the 
knowledge  gained. 

Classics.  Classics. 

Could  do  something,  por-  Has   not   yet   altogether 

haps,  but  won't.  fulfilled    the     expectations 

formed  of  his  undoubted 
capacity. 

Modern  Languages.  Modem  Languages. 

Man  Dien  !  Shows  marked  originality. 

Natural  Science.  Natural  bcicncr. 

Takes  a  faint  interest  in  We   note   with    pi 

earthworms.  his  interest  in  elementary 

biology. 

Music.  Music. 

Might      conceivably     he  Much  better  than  at  one 

worse.  time  seemed  probable. 

Dancing.  Dancing. 

A  bull  in  a  china  shop.  Uses    his    natural    gifts 

with  considerable  effect. 

(leneral  llonarkx.  (Icnera!  L'fiiutiks. 

Pleasant  ass.  Invariably   courteous    in 

demeanour ;  a  conscientious 
little  worker. 


Songs  sung  by  the  Worcester  (lies  Club  (according  to 
Tlie  Worcestershire  Echo): 


"The  Vind-dc-fji. 
(lu.l  Suvc  the  Mill. 
Kui-ked  in  tlic  (.'mile  of  tin-  King." 

None  of  which  do  we  remember  to  have  heard  before. 


ri  NC'ir,  on  THK  LONDON  CHAIUVAIU.-I),:,,  *„,.•,  2>.  i-.n. 


AN  OLD  REPROACH. 

M...    PUNCH.    "GLAD    THEY'RE    SETTLING    THK    QUESTION    OF    HOURS    AND     NVAC.I.S; 
BUT    WHAT    ABOUT    THE    QUESTION    OF    LIFE    AND    LIMB?" 

ll.'uilivay  returns  show  an  appalling  numlicr  of  deutlis  and   injuries  among  .slnmtcr.-i.     Tliis   nunilirr  might   I*  eiKinnoiisljr  rrdurrd 
l>y  the  iotrodnctitm,  as  in  America,  of  automatic  couplings.] 


DKCKMI.KK  20,  1911.] 


PUNCH,    Oil   TIIK    LONDON    CIIAIII VAUI. 


r  i 


-  • 

'.'Now,  GUY,  TEI.I.  us  ABOUT  THE  SCHOOL.     Is  KVEKYTIIIXC  AM. 

"OH     YES,    MOTHEK— EXCEPT  OXE  THINf;."  "  MY   DAllUXIi '.      WllATISlTt' 

"WEI.I.,  I  WISH  YOU  HADN'T  COT  us  THAT  FRENCH  sense  TO  TEACH  us  THE  niiiiiT  PEOSL-XCIATIOX  ;   IT  MAKE 

I--KI.UIWS    I.AUCII    -SO." 


TWO  OF  OUR  BENEFACTORS. 
(.1  Christinas  Carol  of  honour  where  honour  is  due.) 
THE  heroes  of  Christmas  are  many,  and  mosb 
Are.  the  subjects  of  eulogy,  guerdon  or  toast. 
For  example,  the  postman  with  gladdening  knocks, 
Is  gratefully  handed  his  annual  box; 
While  the  butcher-boy,  baker-boy,  grocer-boy,  each 
Carries  off  a  reward  that  is  better  than  speech. 
There  are  others  no  less  that  we  try  to  "  remember  " 
On  whom  we  depend  towards  the  end  of  December ; 
Yet  two  must  be  named  who  have  never  as  yefc 
Been  properly  thanked  by  a  world  in  their  debt : 
Two  toilers  without  whose  assiduous  zeal 
The  warmth  of  our  hearts  would  be  bound  to  congeal, 
Our  generous  promptings  be  fated  to  slumber, 
And  the  giving  of  presents  become  a  back  number. 
You  ask,  "Who  are  they,  that  their  praise  we  may  sing?' 
Well,  the  one  makes  brown  paper,  the  other  makes  string. 

Brown  paper  and  string ! 

Brown  paper  and  string ! 

Oh  where  should  we  be  when  the  Christmas  bells  ring 
If  it  weren't  for  supplies  of  brown  paper  and  string  ? 

"It  was  also  resolved  to  urge  on  the  Government  tlie  necessity  for  a 

I'mv  IViT  llil'." — i;ln."ijii(i'  ll'-ivl'L 

As  foreshadowed  in  the  Preamble. 


CAROLS. 
LET  Christmas  in  my  lap  its  presents  fling, 

And  claim  in  turn  its  customary  tolls. 

Call  in  the  dustmen  and  distribute  doles 
Nor  send  away  the  turncock  sorrowing; 
Let  strange  auxiliary  postmen  bring 

Their  midnight  missives  in  increasing  shoals  ; 

But  keep  mo  far  from  those  remorseless  souls 
Who  bid  me  hark  while  herald  angels  sing ! 

High  on  the  steps  they  chant,  then  pull  the  boll— 
I  speak  of  boys,  not"  angels,  understand— 

Or  ply  the  knocker  with  resounding  thump ; 
Group  after  group  I  scatter  and  expel. 

But  still  they  come  and  band  still  follows  band, 
To  keep  me  on  the  everlasting  jump ! 

Under  the  heading  of  "  Mentone "  The  World  informs 
us  that— 

"Mrs    William  Hearnc  is  at  her  Villa  St.  I-oui*.    with   lU  lorelr 
prdan,  and  Mrs.  Rowe  is  at  her  Villa  St.  Louis,  withiU  lorely  garden. 
The  italics  are  our  own.     But  what  a  small  world  it  is  I 


From  a  book  advertisement  :— 

"For.  LovEits  or  LIFE. 
DK.VTH,  l>y  MAURICE  MAETCRLIXCK." 
It  sounds  like  a  good  corrective. 


402 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  20,  1911. 


j  perfect    little    pharmacy   of    Yulctidc  j  summer's  drought  in   their  Hounslow 

HUMANE    GIFTb.  | antidotes.  j  plantations,    nothing    but    the   whole 

A  CONTEMPORARY,  in  a  page  devoted  j  leaf  has  been  used.     But  the  greatest 

to  notices  of  advertised  Christinas  gifts,  A  case  of  "  Ante-Noel  Inoculators  "  ,  appeal  of  this  cigar  to  lucky  recipients 
remarks  pertinently,  though  without  makes  an  original  and  charming  pre- ;  has  yet  to  bs  told.  By  a  secret  process, 
the  italics,  for  which  Mr.  Punch  is  \  sent.  These  little  surgical  toys  serve  a  !  acquired  from  an  Eastern  fakir,  it  is 
responsible  : —  double  purpose.  Prick  yourself  lightly  j  able  to  asphyxiate  the  generous  donor, 

"  A  blunt  raxor  will  take  the  edge  off  ;  with  one  of  them,  and  you   are  steri- j  however  far  away.     Messrs.  Cabhaggio 
the    happiness    of    any    man,   and    at  Used  against  all  the  ills  of  Christmas,  |  have  just  received  a  testimonial  from 

needles  !  Lord  ROBERT   CECIL  :    "  Despite   pre- 
tenders,  yours    is   the  only  ninepence 


lof  the  traditional  fare  of  the  season. 


Christinas  Time  this  is  particularly  physical  and  financial.  The  m 
undesirable.  With  a  —  ra/or,  how-  jare  treated  with  a  serum  (the  discovery 
ever,  a  man  may  enjoy  the  luxury  of  a 'of  a  Scotch  scientist)  of  the  active 
speedy  and  perfectly  painless  shave,  and  \  bacteria  of  Thrift  and  Haggis.  The 
even  if  his  hand  slio/ild  tremble,  throut'/h  \ Thrift  bacilli  devour  any  rash  pro- 
Ui-iii<j  '  iwt  wisely  but  too  well,'  he  will  clivities  of  your  red  corpuscles  towards 
stand  in  no  danger  of  cutting  himself.  jChristmas  benefactions;  the  Haggis 
It  is,  no  doubt,  for  thtse  reason*  that  bacilli  have  peptic  properties  that  will 
the—  —  has  become  so  popular  a  form  I  fortify  you  against  the  inclemencies 
of  Christmas  present." 

Mr.  Punch,  recognising  the  merits  of 
a   humane   spirit   in    the   selection   of 
Christinas  presents,  him- 
self offers  a  few  hints  to  ' 
the  generous. 

"  What  to  give  Father  " 
is  a  crucial  question  at  i 
Christmas  time.  It  must 
be  inexpensive,  or  he  will 
grumble  that  •  he  has  to 
pay  for  it.  It  must  be 
useful,  and  yet  appropriate 
to  the  season.  Why  not  ( 
give  him  a  "  Suaviter," 
the.  City-man's  fountain  \ 
pen  ?  The  only  fountain 
pen  that  is  constructed 
to  stand  the  strain  of 
the  Festive  Season.  The 
"  Suaviter  "  iynorcs  ill- 
treatment  —  will  write 
fluently  whether  filled 


for  fourpence." 


THE    UNWANTED    GHOST. 

IN  order  to  consider  recent  Press 
statements  to  the  effect  that  the  ghost 
is  no  longer  a  popular  attraction  (a 


with  ink  or  port  wine,  docs 

not   leak  when  its  owner  •'- 

is  upsidcdown,    and  will   enable    him 

to  write  your  Christmas  cheque  even 

when  lie  is  comatose. 

Another  always  acceptable  present 
for  the  menfolk  is  one  of  Messrs.  Bond 
and  Burlington's  "  Aftermath  "  hats — 
made  in  every  variety  of  styles. 
Nothing  so  spoils  the  bloom  of  a 
Boxing-Day  morning  as  a  hat  that  feels 
several  sixes  too  small.  The  "  After- 
math'' hat  is  fitted  with  a  triple- 
expansion  gear  that  permits  the  Society 
man  to  circumvent  this  little  foible 
of  Father  Christmas.  This  clever 
apparatus  is  quite  invisible,  as  is  also 
the  refrigerating  chamber  round  the 
brim,  whence  (by  pressure  on  a  bulb 
in  the  waistcoat  pocket)  the  head  may 
be  sprayed  at  will  with  cooling  lotions. 
The  "  Aftermath "  Topper  is  a  vadc- 
me:um  for  the  ban  viveur,  containing 
in  its  roomy  crown  a  mince -pie 
disintegrator, .  a  minim  tip-measure, 
a  mis  letoe  bough  an  1  a  lilliput 
drug  -  cabinet  which  contains  a 


question   raised   a   few   weeks   ago   in 
these  pages  in  connection  with  Christ- 
Just  the  present  for  your  husband  is;  mas  Numbers),  a  mass  meeting  of  the 

Ghosts'  Friendly  Society 
was  held  one  midnight 
last  week,  in  ths  ruins — 
kindly  lent  for  the  occa- 
sion by  the  Gibbering 
Nun  —  of  an  obsolete 
abbey.  There  was  a  full 
attendance  of  effreets, 
kobolds,  ghouls,  barro- 
vians,  shrieking  and  other 
spectres;  while  several  dis- 
tinguished family  ghosts 
occupied  the  sarcophagus. 
and  the  Chattering  Head 
of  Chichester  took  the 
urn. 

The  Howling  Ghoul  of 
Deadman  Hill  said  there 
could  be  no  doubt  that 
the  advent  of  the  motor- 
car had  done  much  to  spoil 


Youthful  Guide.    "Oil,    I  8KB  THERE'S  A   HIGHLAND  JiUI.I.  IN  Tills  FlEl.h, 


AUNTIE.     SHALL  WE — SHALL  WE  LET  HIM  HEST<" 


— '  out-door  work.  This  was 
a  pair  of  those  wonderfully  intricate ;  an  age  of  rush  and  hurry  (Hear,  hear) 
"  Gordian  Braces."  His  holiday  hours  and  the  day  of  the  solitary  horseman 
will  be  fully  occupied  in  amusing  and  the  belated  traveller  was  over.  The 
attempts  to  don,  and  retain  fixity  of,  motorist,  owing  to  his  insensate  speed, 
these  fascinating  and  educative  puzzles,  was  unable  to  appreciate  the  niceties 
Once  conquered,  they  are  marvellously  ,  of  localized  horrors.  It  had  been  his 
adaptable  to  the  Expansive  Season. ;  own  custom,  for  two  centuries,  to  haunt 
It  is  a  point  in  their  favour  that  their '  the  cross-roads  at  the  foot  of  Deadman 
breaking-strain  is  gauged  to  prevent!  Hill  on  moonless  nights,  and  to  wave 
him  from  hanging  himself. 

No  Christinas  gift  will 
such  universal  approval  as  a  box  of ;  discordance  than  anything  he  coul 
Messrs.  Cabbaggio's  "  ^7itHlicta  "  Cigars  j  compass.  Either  he  was  passed  with- 
(Rockefeller's  Snpremas,  1911).  These  j  out  notice  or  insulted.  Quite  recently 
truly  Brobdignagian  cheroots  are  a  motorist  asked  him  if  the  road  was 
packed  in  gorgeously-labelled  boxes, ,  right  for  Salisbury,  while  another  called 
and  rejoice  in  undetachable  bands  that,  out  to  him  to  know  if  he  wanted  a  lift. 
recall  the  cummerbunds  of  Caliphs  of!  The  Driver  of  the  Phantom  Hearse 
The  Arabian  Nights.  Every  band  is ;  concurred.  Motorists  tooted  for  him 
emblazoned  with  the  Cuban  proverb,  |  to  get  out  of  the  way,  or  drove  right 
which  is  the  motto  of  this  famous  ;  through  him  without  a  qualm.  It  was 


;his  arms  and  howl.     Formerly  he  had 
i  been  a  celebrated  nuisance,   but   now 
command  :  the  horns  of  cars  made  more  hideous 


brand,      "  Timeo     Danaos      ct 
f creates." 


dona  more  than  phosphorescence  and  wind 
:  could  stand. 


We  are  assured  by  Messrs.  Cabbaggio !     The    Coal  Eyed    Cavalier    put    the 
that,  despite  the  scarcity  through  last! present   state   of   things  down  to  the 


i),.:,  „*„„•,:*..  nil.  1'UNCII    OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIYAKI 


Government,    and    especially    to    Mr 

Lr,ovi)  GEOUGK,  whom  he  proposed  to 
haunt  as  soon  as  he  was  out  of  office 
and  could  bo  got  into  a  quiet  corne 
unattended    by    a    deputation.       The 
mansion  where  ho  had  been  in  business 
since  1645  had  been  brought  into  the 
market  owing  to  the  new  taxes,  and  no 
one  came  to  the  oaken  gallery,  at  th 
end  of  which  ho  had  been  accustomec 
to   appear  with   eyes   flaming,   excepl 
sightseers   or    people    sent   by   house 
agents  with  an  order  to  view.    A  gentle 
spook   could  not    demean   himself   to 
disgruntle  such  poor  trash  as  that,  anc 
ho  had  left.  ' 

The  Whispering  Woman  of  Gros 
venor  Square  cited  the  rise  of  demo 
cracy  as  the  cause  of  the  present  slump 
in  business.  This  was  the  day  of  the 
parvenu,  who  cared  nothing  for  tra- 
dition and  did  not  know  a  ghost  when 
he  saw  one.  She  had  always  frightened 
in  the  best  families,  but  the  present 
embodied  tenant  of  her  house  was  a 
rich  soap-boiler,  who  had  so  many 
servants,  and  changed  them  so  fre- 
quently, that  he  had  mistaken  her  in  a 
dark  passage  for  a  housemaid.  When 
she  put  an  icy  hand  to  his  head  he 
indignantly  gave  her  a  month's  notice 
to  quit.  That  sort  of  thing  was  dis- 
couraging. 

The  Creeping  Butler  of  Bloomsbury 
also  complained  of  changing  fashions. 
When  he  installed  himself  in  Blooms- 
bury  in  1850  his  house  had  been  con- 
sidered modish  ;  now  it  was  cheap 
flats,  and  every  foot  of  space  was 
utilized.  His  favourite  corner — a  dark 
alcove  at  the  head  of  the  second  Sight 
of  stairs — had  been  converted  into  a 
kitchen,  with  a  gas-cooker.  •  (Shame.) 

The  Grue  of  Gargoyle  Grange 
deplored  the  growth  of  modern  luxury. 
Formerly  he  had  succeeded  in  scaring 
people  into  fits,  but  an  electric  light 
installation  had  cooked  his  bat  for  him. 
A  candle  could  be  snuffed  unexpectedly 
by  a  slithering,  detached  hand,  and 
lent  itself  admirably  to  horrifying 
shadow-play  on  oak  ceiling  or  arras. 
(Hear,  hear.)  He  could  do  nothing 
witli  electric  bulbs. 

A  somewhat  stormy  scene  was 
occasioned  by  the  Hairy  Incubus,  who 
noisily  maintained  that  business  was 
as  brisk  as  ever.  The  thing  to  do  was 
to  catch  folks  napping.  (No,  no.)  So 
long  as  mince-pies  were  a  feature  of 
Christmas  there  was  a  wide  field  for 
him. 

The  Coal-Eyed  Cavalier  pointed  out 
that  the  speaker  was  neither  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Society,  nor,  properly  con- 
sidered, a  spook  at  all.  The  Incubus, 
being  dislodged  from  his  seat  with 
difficulty,  was  then  ejected. 

In  a  thoughtful  and  reasoned  dis- 


COLLAPSE  OF   YOt'XC   BLOOD   OS    RECEIVING    FROM    IMS    F/.t.VCM  A    Clir.lilM.V4    PKESEXT  OF 
TIES,    WITH  THE   REQUEST,    "  WEAR  THE.SE   FOI!   MY  SAKE." 


course,  the  White  Wraith  of  Wastewater 
Mere  traced  their  present  unpopularity 
.o  the  Psychical  Research  Society.    The 
essence  of  their  success  lay  in  mystery 
and  surprise.     If  they  were  examined 
n  cold  blood,  if  their  appearances  and 
>eculiarities   were   docketed    and    in- 
dexed, people  got  to  consider  the  study 
of  them  a  branch  of  science.     Hence 
hey  were  voted  tedious,  stodgy  (loud 
aughter)   and   instructive — something 
on    a    level    with    Blue    Books    and 
tatistics.     She  urged  her  listeners  to 
do  all  they  could  to  baffle  research,  as 
ending  to  lower  them  to  the  status  of 
ommonplace  facts. 
At   this  juncture  a  member  of  the 
sychical  Research  Society   was    re- 


ported to  be  concealed  on  the  premises, 
note-book  in  hand,   and  the  meeting 
broke  up  in    consternation    before    a 
'  resolution  could  be  put  from  the  urn. 


The  Road  to  Ruin. 

"He  played  in    orc-licstias,   and  thai   met 

people    whose    means    were    »l>ove     hi*.      At 

!  Windsor    lie  cut  a  dash  by  riding  up   to  a 

I  stationer's  shop  and  ordering  visiting  cards."— 

Police  Court  Kqmrl  in  "Daily  £xpra$." 


"  There  was  astonishment  at  the  magnitude 
of  the  response  which  had  been  made  to  oar 
appeal.  'Wonderful,'  'magnificent,'  'incred- 
ible,' were  the  monosyllabic  comments  of  the 
majority,  "—f'rtii  ing  ATcict. 

Our  polysyllabic  comment  is  "  Rats." 


454 


PUNCH,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [D«CB*BEB  20, 1911. 


A    MODERN    CINDERELLA. 

ONCE    upon    a    time    there   was   a 
beautiful  girl  who  lived  in  a  mansion 
Park    Lano   with   her   mother  and 


in 

her  two  sisters  and  a  crowd  of  servants. 
Cinderella,    for   that    was    her   name, 
would    have    dearly     loved     to     have  | 
employed    herself    about    the     house  j 
sometimes ;     but     whenever    she    did ' 
anything    useful,    like    arranging    the 
flowers  or  giving  the  pug  a  bath,  her 
mother  used  to  say,  "Cinderella!    What 
do  you  think   1  engage  servants  for  ? 
Please  don't  make  yourself  so  common." 

Cinderella's   two  sisters  were  much  j 
older   and   plainer   than    herself,    and  | 
their  mother  had  almost  given  up  hope 
about   them,    but   she    used    to    drag 
Cinderella  to   halls   and   dances  night 
after  night,  taking  care  that  only  the 
right  sort  of  person  was  introduced  to 
her.     There  were   many  nights  when 
Cinderella  would  have  preferred  a  book 
at  home  in  front  of  the  fire,  for   she 
soon  found  that  her  partners'  ideas  of  j 
waltzing  were  as  catholic  as  their  con-  j 
versation  was  limited.     It  was,  indeed, 
this   fondness   for  the  inglenook  that 
had  earned  her  the  name  of  Cinderella. 

One  day,  when  she  was  in  the  middle 
of  a  delightful  story,  her  mother  came 
in  suddenly  and  cried  : 

"  Cinderella  !  Why  aren't  you  rest- 
ing, as  I  told  you  ?  You  know  we  are 
going  to  the  Hogbins'  to-night." 

"  Oh,  mother,"  pleaded  Cinderella, 
"  need  I  go  to  the  dance?  " 

"  Don't  be  so  absurd !  Of  course 
you  're  going  !  " 

"  But  I  've  got  nothing  to  wear." 

"  I  've  told  Jennings  what  you  're  to 
wear.  Now  go  and  lie  down.  I  want 
you  to  look  your  best  to-night,  because 
I  hear  that  young  Mr.  Hogbin  is  back 
again  from  Australia." .  Young  Mr. 
Hogbin  was  not  the  King's  son  ;  he 
was  the  son  of  a  wealthy  gelatine 
manufacturer. 

"  Then  may  I  come  away  at  twelve  ?  " 
begged  Cinderella. 

"  You  '11  come  away  when  I  tell  you." 

Cinderella  made  a  face  and  went 
upstairs.  "  Oh,  dear,"  she  thought  to 
Iverself,  "  I  wish  I  were  as  old  as  my 
two  sisters,  and  could  do  what  I  liked. 
I  'm  sure  if  my  godmother  were  here 
she  would  get  me  off  going."  But,  alas ! 
her  godmother  lived  at  Leamington,  and 
Cinderella,  after  a  week  at  Leamington, 
had  left  her  there  only  yesterday. 

Cinderella   indeed    looked    beautiful 
as   they  started  for  the  ball ;  but  her 
mother,  who  held  a  review  of  her  in  the 
i 'drawing-room,  was  not  quite  satisfied. 

"Cinderella!  "  she  said.  "You  know 
I  I  said  you  were  to  wear  the  silver 
j  clippers  !  " 

"  Oh,   mother,   they   arc   so   tight," 


pleaded   Cinderella. 

member  I  told  you 

were  much  too  small  for  me?  " 

"Nonsense.      Go  and  put  them  on 
at  once." 

The  dance  was  in  full  swing  when 


"  Don't   you   re-    I  '11  tell  you  all  about  it  in  the  carriage, 
at  the  time  they   mother." 

"  Is  my  little  girl  going  to  be  happy?  " 
"  I    don't    know,"    said    Cinderella 
anxiously.     "  There  's  just  a  chance." 
The  chance  must  have  come  oil,  tor, 


Cinderella  arrived.   Although  her  lovely   once  in  the  carriage,  Cinderella  gave  a 


appearance  caused  several  of  the  guests 
to  look  at  her,  they  did  not  ask  each 
other  eagerly  who  she  was,  for  most 
of  them  knew  her  already  as  Miss 
Partington-Kmith.  A  brewer's  son  led 
her  oft  to  dance. 


deep  sigh  of  happiness. 

"  Well,  dear  ?  "  said  her  mother  again. 
"You  '11  ncccr  guess,  mother,"  laughet  1 

Cinderella.     "Try." 

"  I    guess    that    my   little    daughter 
thinks  of  running  away  from  me,"  said 


The    night    wore   on  slowly.      One  j  her  mother  archly.    "  Am  I  right  ? 
young    man 
Cinderella's  toes,  trotted  in  circles  round 


after    another    trod    on!      "Oh,    how   lovely!     Why,    running 

away  is  simply  the  last  thing  I  could 
do.    Look  !  "    She  stretched  out  her  foot 
— clothed  only  in  a  pale-blue  stocking. 
"  Cinderella!  " 

"]  told  you  Ihcy  were  too  tight,"  she 
the  explained  rapidly,  "  and  I  was  trodden 
her  i  on  by  every  man  in  the  place,  and  I 


her,  ran  her  violently  backwards  into 
some  other  man,  or  swooped  with  her 
into  the  fireplace.  Cinderella,  whose  feet 
seemed  mechanically  to  adapt  them- 
selves to  the  interpretation  of 
Boston  that  was  forming  in 


partner's  brain,  bore  it  from  each  one ;  simply  liad  to  kick  them  off  at  supper, 
as  long  as  she  could  ;  and  then  led  the  !  and — and  I  only  got  one  back.  I  don't 
way  to  a  quiet  corner,  where  she  j  know  what  happened  to  the  other;  1 
confessed  frankly  that  she  had  not  \  suppose  it  got  pushed  along  somewhere, 
bought  all  her  Christinas  presents  yet,  >  but  a'nyhow,  7  wasn't  going  under  the 
and  that  she  was  going  to  Switzerland  !  table  after  it."  She  laughed  suddenly 
for  the  winter. 

The    gelatine     manufacturer's     son 


took  her  in  to  supper.  It  was  noticed 
that  Cinderella  looked  much  happier  as 
soon  as  they  had  sat  down,  and  indeed 
throughout  the  meal  she  was  in  the 
highest  spirits.  For  some  reason  or 
other  she  seemed  to  find  even  Mr.  Hogbin 
endurable.  But  just  as  they  were 
about  to  return  to  the  hall-room  an 


UCWUUW     CUUD*      «•"  IkJMW      llfcLI^II-l^lL      0U.UVA01~IJ.jr 

and  softly  to  hei'self.     "  I  wonder  what 
i  they  '11  do  when  they  find  the  slipper'.' 


expression   of 
over  her  face. 

"  Anything  the  matter  ?  " 
partner. 

"  N-no,"   said    Cinderella  ; 
made  no  effort  to  move. 

"  Well,  shall  we  come  ?  " 

"  Y-yes." 


she  said. 


Of  course  the  King's  son  (or  anyhow, 
Mr.  Hogbin)  ought  to  have  sent  it 
round  to  all  the  ladies  in  Mayfair, 
taking  knightly  oath  to  marry  her 
whom  it  fitted.  But  what  actually 
happened  was  that  a  footman  found  it, 


absolute    dismay   came   andi  being  very  sentimental  and  know- 
ing that  nobody  would  ever  dare  to 
said  her  >  claim  it,  carried  it  about  with  him  ever 
|  afterwards — thereby  gaining    a    great 
but   she   reputation  with  his  cronies  as  a  nut. 

Oh,  and  by  the  way — I  ought  to  put 
in  a  good  word  for  the  godmother.    She 
1  did  her  best. 

She  waited  a  moment  longer,  droppedj  -Cinderella!"  said  her  mother  at 
her  fan  under  the  table,  picked  it  up  lunch  next  day,  as  she  looked  up  from 
slowly,  and  followed  him  out.  |  [wv  letters.  "  Why  didn't  you  tell  me 

"Let 's  sit  down  here,"  she  said  in  the  j  yOU1-  godmother  was  ill?  " 
hall;  " not  upstairs."  ..ghe  wasn't  very  well  when  I  left 

They   sat   in     silence  ;    for   he   had  j  her,  but  I  didn't  think  it  was  anything 
exhausted  his  stock  of  questions  at  the   mucl,.     Js  she  bad?     I  nm  sorry." 
end  of  their  first  dance,  and  had  told 
her  all  about  Australia  during  supper ; 
while  she  apparently  had  no  desire  for 
conversation  of  any  kind,  being  wrapped 
up  in  her  thoughts. 

"  I  '11  wait  here,"  she  said,  as  a  dance 
began.  "If  you  see  mother,  I  wish 
you  'd  send  her  to  me." 

Her  mother  came  up  eagerly. 
"  Well,  dear  ?  "  she  said. 
"  Mother,"  said  Cinderella,  "  do  take 
me  home  at  once. 
ordinary  has  happened." 

"  It 's  young  Mr.  Hogbin !  I  knew 
it!" 

"Who?      Oh — er — yes,    of    course. 


"  She  writes  that  she  has  obtained 
measles.  I  suppose  that  means  you  're 
infectious.  Really,  it 's  very  incon- 
venient. Well,  I  'm  glad  we  didn't 
know  yesterday  or  you  couldn't  have 
gone  to  the  dance." 

"  Dear  fairy  godmother ! "  said 
Cinderella  to  herself.  "  She  was  a  day 
too  late,  but  how  sweet  of  her  to  think 
of  it  at  all!"  A.  A.  M. 


Something  extra- 


From  The  Times  Index : — • 

"  KKI.II:H)X,  EDUCATION,  CHARITY,  IIKAI. 
Bishop  bitten  by  hie  dog.  .  .  .   1' 

Which  is  this  ? 


PUNCH,    OR   THK    LONDON    CHAIMVAIM. 
TO   ADD   ZEST   TO    OUR    CHRISTMAS   SHOPPING. 

Our.'l.iM,-..,,  uliva.ly  IMVC.  tl.ri,  I  ,,:..,:,  «!„•„.  i!,,y  m  s.,  v,.  |  ;„  ,.!,.„„  .,,.,,      \V)|V 


153 


Is  TUB  TOBAII-O  DEPARTMENT 


A  CHEEKY  \VI\K  OKDER  OFFUI 


456 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI.          [DECEMBER  20,  1911. 


Zatfy  (wlwlias  had  the  misfortune  to  fall  into  a  very  wuacoury  ditch  on  the  outskirts  of  an  Irish  lown}.    " 

BE  ABLE  TO   GO   KEAR  MESELF   FOR  A   WEEK  !  "  •  .    .. 


Oil   DEAR  !      OH  UKAll  !      I  'l.t. 


MUSICAL  ADVERTISEMENTS. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  the 
..„,«.•    ^    Daily  Press.) 
OFF^LEY  TOSHEK'S  SUCCESSFUL  SONG. 
Mother  England's  Stewing  (words  by 
Bletherly)  will  be  sung,  by  Mr. 'Emery 
Pulvermacher  at  Bootle,  Mu.  Widgery 
Boffin  at  Whitefield's  Tabernacle,  Mr. 
Ian   Goldstein    at    Saffron^Hill,   Mr. 
Tarley  Bindells  at  Brasted,  and  by  Mr. 
lago  Plimmer  at  the  "Welsh  Harp" 
THIS  DAY. — Goosey  and  Co.  "..'  s 

EURIK  VAMP'S  TERRIFIC  NEW  SONG. 
Macuslileen  (words  by  Toschemacher) 
•will  be  sung  by  Miss  Happy  Jubb  at 
Moreton-in-the-Marsh,  Miss  Fritzi 
McQuirk  at  Ballybunnion,  Madame 
Joscelyne  Smirke  at  Bacup,  Miss  Millie 
Molar  at  Buntingford  Halt,  Miss  Poppy 
Strugnell  at  Bostock  Parva,  and  by  Miss 
Malvina  Pippett  at  Southwold  THIS 
DAY. — Goosey  and  Co. 

WANLESS  DORMER'S  HORRIBLY 
HUMOROUS  SONG. 

The  Scavenger's  Sweetheart  (words 
by  Athalie  Eothenstein)  will  be  sung 
by  Mr.  Jenery  Jee  at  Golder's  Green, 
Mr.  Dudley  Muter  at  Woking,  Mr. 
Angus  Szlumper  at  Barking,  Mr. 
Timoihy  Shiplake  at  Haverfordwest, 


and  by  Mr.  Samuel  Sludge  at  Holloway 
THIS  DAY. — Goosey  and  Co. 
HOMER  POPPLE'S  DEVASTATING  DITTY. 
Weary  Willie  Wants  Me  (words  by 
Oona1  Bleet)  will  be  sung  by  Miss 
Dearie  Binns  at  the  Elephant  and 
Castle,  Miss  Duckie  Bodger  at  Clapham 
Junction,  Madame  Plummio  Duff  at 
Baron's  Court  Refreshment  Eooms, 
Miss  Chirpie  Checkering  at  the  Kilburn 
Cocoa  Tavern,  and  by  Miss  Baffle 
Bulger  at  the  Marble  Arch  Coffee  Siall 
THIS  DAY. — Goosey  and  Co. 

LUTHER  DE  PONCK'S  PRICELESS  INANITY. 
•  Wow-WoiL-,  Pussy  (word§  by  Scarlatti 
Jamrach)  will  be  whistled  by  Mr.  Der- 
mot   O'Dooley  at  Leadenhall  Market,  i 
cantillated  by  Signer  Olio  Graffiti  in  ] 
the  Dover  Street  Tube  Lift,  hummed  by- 
Mr.  Joshua  van  Stosch  at  Torrey  and 
Dems,  and  played  on  the  Pianola  by 
Lord  EOSSLYN  at  Bexhill-on-Sea  THIS 
DAY.— Goosey  and  Co. 


"RlDIXG-BhEECIIESOF  ENGLISH  CUT  AND  MAKE. 

The  only  man  is  Fryer,  Sarmieuto  431. 

The  words  Riding- Breeches  to  remain  in  the 

same  type  as  at  present." 

Adi-t.  in  "Buenos  Aires  Standard." 

FRYER  mustn't  lay  down  the  law  like 
this.  We  shall  have  whatever  type  of 
riding-breeches  we  choose. 


>$     THE  VEEY   LATEST. 

NEW  GAME  FOR  CHRISTMAS  PARTIES. 

ROARS   OP   LAUGHTER. 

No  SKILL  REQUIRED. 

ANYONE  CAN  PLAY 

BLINDFOLD  BILLIARDS. 

No  ELABORATE  PREPARATION. 

A  BANDAGE  AND  A  CUE. 
LONG  BREAKS  DONE  AWAY  WITH. 

GRAVITY  REMOVED. 
SEND  FOR  THE  RULES.  5s. 

BLINDFOLD  BILLIARDS. 

Testimonial— 

STEVENSON  writes :  "  It  is  a  very 
Treasure  Island  of  mirth.  I  could 
play  it  till  I  became  Gray." 

BLINDFOLD  BILLIARDS. 

"As  at  present  advised,  His  Majesty's 
Ministers  propose  to  disintegrate  the  United 
Kingdom,  to  disestablish  and  disendow  a 
Church  which  has  witnessed  for  Christianity 
in  AVales  for  three  thousand  years  and  more.'" 
— Globe. 

A  little  licence  is  allowed  to  leader,- 
writers,  but  The  Globe  takes  too  much. 
However,  as  long  as  its  readers  get  the 
idea  that  the  Church  has  been  there 
for  a  good  time,  the  accuracy  of  the 
figures  doesn't  matter  much. 


PUNCH.   OR   THE   LONDON   CHAHIVARL— DKTKMIIKB  20.  1911. 


THE  WOLF  THAT  WOULDN'T. 

RED  RIDING  Ho6b  (Mr.  Lloyd  George}.  "HULLO,    GRANNY;    HASN'T   HE   TRIED   TO    EAT    YOUT" 

GRANDMOTHER  (Insurance  Bill).  "NO— NEVER    EVEN   TOUCHED    ME." 

RED  RIDING  HOOD.  "GOOD!  BUT   ALL   THE   SAME   THIS    ISN'T   THE   STORY    I'VE    BEEN    BROUGHT    t'P   ON. 


Hi:,   KMUKIt    20,    1911.1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   ClfAKIVAKI. 


I.V.I 


ESSENCE  OF  PARLIAMENT. 

ICxiMA'  ill*  i-i:iiM  mi.  DI.MIY  »••  Tni;v.  M.l'. 

Houa&  of  Commons,  '/'»<•«/'(//,  /vr////- 
ber  12. — For  sudden  dramatic  tin  n  of 
events  House  of  Commons  still  holds  its 
own  against  the  theatres  of  the  world. 
Through  first  hour  of  to-day's  sitting 
proceedings  touched  lowest  level  of 
the  inane.  Question  Paper  crowded. 
Supplemeniariee  in  great  force.  End 
of  session  in  sight.  Now  or  never 
Members  must  got  the  cheap  advertise- 
ment which  testifies  to  watchful 
constituents  that,  like  Freedom,  harped 
in  Tarn's  halls,  "  still  they  live." 

At  a  quarter  to  four,  the  long 
list  unfinished,  process  automatically 
stopped.  Resources  of  the  self- adver- 
tiser not  exhausted.  According  to 
Standing  Orders,  notice  of  intended 
question  must  be  given  in  time  stifli- 
cient  to  have  it  printed  and  circulated 
with  Orders  of  the  day.  Furthermore 
it  is  ordained  that  the  question  may 
not  be  read,  the  Minister's  attention 
being  called  to  it  by  reference  to  its 
number  on  the  Paper. 

That  seems  nice  and  orderly,  calcu- 
lated to  push  through  business  in 
shortest  possible  time.  In  depending 
upon  Standing  Orders,  House  forgets 
the  advertiser.  Instead  of  putting  his 
question  on  the  Paper,  as  others  do,  this 
gentleman  rises  to  ask  a  question  of 
which  he  has  "  given  the  right  lion, 
gentleman  private  notice."  Thereupon, 
having  fastened  on  himself  the  atten- 
tion of  the  House,  he  reads  aloud  his 
precious  sentences,  and  the  Minister 
replies. 

It  was  after  this  farce,  equally  trans- 
parent and  dreary,  had  been  gone 
through,  that  PREMIER  advanced  to 
Table.  Thought  he  was  about  to  make 
ordinary  statement  about  course  of 
business.  In  low  voice,  with  crafty 
assumption  of  having  nothing  particu- 
lar to  say,  he  announced  momentous 
news  of  the  despoiling  of  Calcutta  of 
the  long- worn  robe  of  Viceregal  Court), 
and  the  re-creation  of  Delhi  as  the 
capital  of  India's  Emperor  -  King. 
Mentioned  as  mere  detail  that,  by 
abrupt  modification  of  policy  estab- 
lished by  Lord  Cunzox,  Bengal  is  to 
undergo  a  fresh  partition. 

Form  in  which  communication  was 
made  added  to  effect.  When  great 
stroke  of  State  is  projected,  usual  for 
Parliament  to  be  notified  of  Ministerial 
intention,  and  arrangements  made  for 
discussion  of  the  necessary  Bill  or 
Resolution  designed  to  carry  intention 
into  effect  with  consent  of  both  Houses. 
Here  was  a  Royal  Message  flashed 
from  distant  Delhi  over  land  and  under 
sea  declaring  that  "  We  are  pleased  to 
announce  to  Our  People  that  We  have 


decided  upon  the  transfer  of  the  seat  of  \ 

tho  Government  of  India  from  Calcutta 
to  the  ancient  capital    I  >elhi." 

Tlio    croud    Of   silent     unresponsive 
M( -mbers  felt.  they   \viie  back   ill    1'lati- 
taj^enet    tiinrs,  listening  to   a   n:e 
from    C<K.ru    UK     I. ION     jomnoying     in 
Palestine,   or   from    the   Fifth    HUSKY 
triumphant    at    Agincourt     decreeing,  j 
absolutely  enacting,  a  nc\v  departure  in 
State  affairs. 

This  aspect,  of  course,  illusory. 
departure  has  l>oen  liken  in  ordinary 
way  after  discussion  in  Cabinet  Coun- 
cil.    Nevertheless  the  effect,  pos-ibly 


"THE  CAP'EN"  RKSIISCITATKS. 

Cai>t.  TOMMY  GIBSON*  BOWLES  executes  a 
Y«,(.ic  ilt  lfi»,iiftlie.  over  the  rejection  of  the 
Naval  Pri/c  Bill  by  the  House  of  Lords. 

artfully  designed,  remained.  It  was 
that  the  KING  -  EMPEROB,  clothed  in 
regal  state,  throned  in  Durbar  held  in 
the  city  of  the  ancient  Moguls,  hold- 
ing out  his  sceptre,  had  of  his  own  free 
will,  on  his  personal  initiation,  recast 
the  framework  of  tho  Government  of 
India. 

In  its  secrecy,  its  swiftness,  its  com- 
pleteness and  "its  irrevocability  it  is  a 
coup  d'etat  as  striking  as  that  which, 
sixty  years  ago  in  this  very  month  of 
December,  transformed  the  Govern- 
ment of  France. 

Business  done. — Lords  throw  out 
Naval  Prize  Bill.  Commons  sit  up 
till  morning  dealing  with  Report  stage 
of  Budget. 

Thursday. — When  Members  decided 
to  vote  themselves  salaries  of  £400  a 


year,  tin-  MIMHKK  i  «n  SUIK  (who,  by 
the  way,  has  imcsted  his  annual  salary 
in  annuities  for  his  cousins  once  re- 
ii  pointed  out  the  inevitable  <!••- 
ition  "I  tone  anil  style  that  would 
follow  on  the  revolution.  Curious 
example  of  \\hat  was  sure  to  happen 
just  now  manifests  itself.  Humour  u»l 
about  that  there  is  vacancy  in  ancient, 
and  honourable  post  of  Officer  of  the 
Pipe.  No  one  knows  exactly  what  are 
its  duties  and  emoluments  or  who  is  its 
present  incuml>cnt. 

KKIH  HAKDIK,  who  has  travelled  in 
the  East  and  brought  hack  with  him 
a  suit  of  white  drill  ivach-me-downg, 
says  that  when  he  comported  with 
Princes  of  high  estate  in  India — or 
was  it  in  China'.'  he  observed  an 
officer  of  state  in  close  attendance 
upon  the  Personage.  He  carried  and 
kept  alight  a  hookah,  the  stem  of  which 
from  time  to  time  at  convenient  mo- 
ment, he  placed  in  mouth  of  his  prince!  \ 
master,  who  took  a  puff  or  two.  Then 
the  officer  withdrew  it  and  kept  it 
going  till  his  Highness  was  ready  for 
another  puff.  Might  that  be  tho  job 
of  the  Oflicer  of  the  Pipe  ? 

Compendious  and  indispensable 
Who 's  \Vlio  is  silent  on  tho  subject. 
It  seems  just  the  sort  of  thing  devised 
in  earlier,  happier  times  as  a  comfort- 
able berth  for  favoured  person  not 
otherwise  capable  of  earning  a  living. 
Presume  that,  being  a  paid  State  office, 
it  would  necessitate  application  for 
that  other  ancient,  honourable,  but 
unhappily  unpaid  post,  Stewardship 
of  Chiltern  Hundreds. 

Jow  ETT,  not  knowing  why  JOHN 
HLUNS  should  have  monopoly  of  loaves 
and  fishes,  volunteered  to  question 
FINANCIAL  SECRETARY  TO  TREASURY  on 
the  subject.  This  the  more  generous 
since  he  does  not  seek  place  of  profit 
for  himself.  Is  simply  moved  by  con- 
sideration of  desire  burning  around 
him. 

Result  rather  chilling.  A  Mrs.  Harris 
among  paid  State  officers,  there  is  to- 
day "no  such  person"  as  the  Officer 
of  the  Pipe.  Seventy-six  years  ago  he 
drew  his  last  whiff  or  swallowed  his  last 
draught,  as  the  case  may  be.  Anyhow, 
in  1835  office  became  extinct.  There 
lingered  round  it  halo  of  parpetual 
pension.  Five  years  ago  this  was 
commuted  for  cash  paid  down,  and 
the  Officer  of  the  Pipe,  his  post  and  his 
pension,  have  disappeared  from  tho 
earthly  scene. 

Business  done. — Debate  on  Foreign 
Affaire. 

Friday. — Curious  how  some  men 
getting  a  certain  lift  up  the  ladder 
of  li.fe  spring  at  a  bound  to  topmost 
rung.  There,  for  example,  is  BONAR 
LAW— beg  his  pardon,  BONNER.  For 


460 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  20,  1911. 


The  mingled  joy  and  surprise  of  the  effigies  of  Mr.  ASQUITH,  Mr.  WINSTON"  CHURCHILL  and 
Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE  at  the  approach  of  the  newly-added  and  lifelike  simulacrum  of  Mr.  BOXAR 
LAW.  (A  purely  fancy  picture.)  ^,  ,  j  j 


years  he  sat,  -whether  on  the  Treasury 
Bench  or  on  the  Front  Opposition,  his; 
exceptional  merit  overlooked.  On  one 
he  ranked  as  Under-Secretary,  seeing 
others  picked  out  for  promotion  when 
opportunity  presented  itself ;  on  the 


TIMOTHY  HEALY,  Esquire,  K.C., 
Bencher  of  Gray's  Inn,  keeps  his  hands 
out  of  his  pockets  when  addressing  ,the 
Chair.  The  LEADER  OF  THE  OPPOSITION 
might  do  well  to  follow  his  example. 
Contrary  habit,  innocently,  doubtless 


other,  he  was  relegated  to  second  or  |  unconsciously ,  adopted,     not     either 
third    place    when    the    Party  •  sorely  j  graceful  or  dignified.     Hope  Madame 

Tussaud  has  not  stereotyped  it. 

Business  done. — LORD  CHANCELLOR 
hauled  over  coals  in  matter  of  his 
appointment  of  borough  and  county 


needed  help  in  crucial  debate.  By  un- 
expected turn  of  fortune's  wheel  he, 
after  fashion  not  unfamiliar  at  the  Vati- 
can in  recent  years  when  rival  claims 
of  candidates  for  Pontificate  threatened 


magistrates.     PREMIER    gallantly    de- 


embarrassment,  found  himself  Leader  j  fended  his  colleague.   NEIL  PRIMROSE'S 
of  Opposition  in  House  of  Commons. 

And  now  a  place  has  been  assigned 
to  him  at  Madame  Tussaud's  I 

Interesting  to  know  in  what  attitude 
he  is  presented.  At  Table  of  Commons 
ho  impresses  by  absence  of  pose. 
Characteristic  of  BONNER  that,  with 
instinctive  impulse  to  make  as  little  of 
himself  as  possible,  he  hides  right  hand 
in  trouser-pocket.  Only  other  instance 
of  this  habit  I  remember  was  case  of 
TIM  HEALY.  When,  thirty  years  ago,  he 
found  opportunity  of  catching  SPEAKER'S 
eye,  he  habitually  thrust  two  hands  in 
trouser-pockets  and  scowled  at  Mace. 
Differing  from  BONNER'S,  the  little 
mannerism  was  not  indicative  of  desire 
to  efface  himself.  It  was  his  artless 
way  of  indicating  his  patriotic  con- 
tempt for  an  Assembly  of  which  he 
once  declared  that  he  didn't  care  two 
pins  whether  he  was  in  it  or  in  prison. 


vote  of  censure  negatived  on  division. 
MUNRO  FERGUSON  carried  amendment 
approving  action  of  LOBD  CHANCELLOR. 
Saturday— Prorogation,  and  quite 
time  for  it.  With  brief  interval  have 
been  hard  at  work  since  February. 
Worn-out  Members  resolved  that  in 
no  circumstances  will  they  consent  to 
autumn  session  next  year.  At  least, 
if  insisted  upon  by  indomitable  PRE- 
MIER, they  will  strike  for  increased 
wages.  When  they  signed  on  at  £400 
a  year  it  was  understood  that  a 
session  should  run,  as  in  old  times, 
from  first  week  in  February  to  second 
week  in  August  at  worst.  If  they  work 
overtime  it  must  be  paid  for  at  due  rate. 


"Ashby  Union. — Tenders  for  Eating  Potatoes 
required  by  Dec.  15." — Buxlon  Chronicle. 

Our  own  modest  tender  of  six  a  day 
came  too  late. 


DIES   IRAE. 

OH  days  of  cumulative  sorrow 
When  everything  goes  wrong  ! 

To-day  was  such  a  day  ;  to-morrow 
I  shall  bo  stern  and  strong ; 

To-day  the  razor's  edge  dripped  blood, 

Far  caracoled  the  fallen  stud, 

My  hat  blew  off  and  found  some  mud, 
My  eggs  were  boiled  too  long. 

And  when  I  sought  my  railway  ticket 
A  monstrous  female  stood 

hat  was  like  a  flowery  thicket 
When  April  stars  the  wood) 
Conversing  with  the  poor  young  clerk 
About  the  way  to  Eegent's  Park 
^Most  probably  she  'd  missed  the  Ark) ; 
She  should  be  slapped,  she  should. 

I  lost  my  train — I  lost  a  person 

I  simply  had  to  meet ; 
All  day  my  anguish  seemed  to  worsen, 

Misfortunes  dogged  my  feet ; 
Red  was  the  glowering  sun  at  noon, 
The  heavenly  lyre  was  out  of  tune, 
And  both  the  laces  of  my  shoon 

Came  down  in  Fenchurch  Street. 

thought  I  never  saw  a  city 

So  stained  with  vice  and  sin  ; 
Hopeless,  I  went  to  call  on  Kitty, 

And  found  she  was  not  in  ; 
The  people  passed  me,  senseless  clods, 
Unheedingly,  it  made  no  odds 
To  them  that  I  blasphemed  the  gods, 

None  of  'em  cared  a  pin. 

Wearied  at  last  I  sought  the  river 

To  ease  me  of  my  woe  ; 
I   watched  the  glamorous  lights  that 
quiver 

Athwart  its  turbid  flow  ; 
They  seemed  to  cry,  "  Pop  in !  forget !  " 
I  leaned  across  the  parapet ; 
It  looked  abominably  wet, 

And  "  No,"  I  murmured,  "  No. 

"  I  shall  not  perpetrate  self-slaughter ; 

That  is  a  coward's  deed  ; 
Better  to  pull  the  lyre-strings  tauter 

And  have  a  rare  old  feed, 
And  then  go  homewards  and  complain 
In   sad  wild  numbers."     Hence  this 

strain. 
I  suffered,  but  I  share  my  pain 

With  you  (poor  souls  !)  that  read. 

EVOE. 


From  a  column  in  the  Dycrsburg 
State  Gazette  headed  "  Chic  "  :— 

"  Elias  Smith  is  right  sick  at  this  writing." 
We  cannot  blame  ELIAS.    It  makes  us 
sick  too. 

"When  first  published  as  a  book  in  1895 
Miss  Cartwright  had  for  an  illustrator  Mr.  A. 
Quinton." —  Westminster  Gazette. 

It  is  not  often  given  to  us  to  say  of  a 
woman  that  we  can  read  her  like  a 
book. 


Dl..  KMI'.KK   'JO,    1911.] 


PUNCH, 


SKKVICK   INTELLIGENCE. 

(Aiifiiri'r.i  in  Cormpoadtatt.) 

AIHUTANT  or  THKKITOHIALS.  Your 
speech  referring  to  the  dittingnubed 
War  Service  of  your  Brigadier-General, 
at  the  Annual  Dinner,  was  a  little 
unfortunate.  The  miniatures  lie  \\ns 
wearing  were:  ".Jubilee,  1887";  "  Dia- 
mond .Jubilee,  1H'J7";  "Coronation, 
KIO-J";  "  Indian  Durbar,  H'O.T';  "CffltO- 
nation,  1911";  and  the  "  M.V.O."  lie 
lias  no  War  Servics. 

SuitALTERN    (AliDBBBHOl). — We  eail- 

not  tell  you  why  a  "Staff  Hide"  should 
be   called   by   that   name.     Doubtless, 
originally,  the  Hide  was  intended   for  j 
the  Stall'.     Nowadays  these  gentlemen  | 
have  far  too  much  work  to  do  at  home, 
so  the  regimental  oflicer  plays  at  being  ; 
on    the   "  Staff."     It   should   be   con- ' 
sidered  a  great  privilege. 

IMPKKSSED   (MARGATE). —  Guns   are  j 
painted    "funny   colours"    to 'deceive 
the  enemy.     You  have  no  idea  what  a 
9-2  gun  looks  like  from  the  sea,  through 
a  powerful  telescope.    We  are  told  that 
it  closely  resembles,  in  one  light,  a  y.ebra  ! 
feeding,  and,  in  another  light,  a  carrot. 

DESTROYER  (PORTSMOUTH). — We  are 
delighted  to  hear  that  the  new  '  First 
Lord  '  is  so  universally  popular.  Want 
of  space  alone  prevents  us  from  print- 
ing your  appreciation.  Testimonials 
are,  we  believe,  forbidden  by  King's 
Regulations. 

FORGOTTEN  (TUNBBIDGE  WELLS). — 
We  are  sorry  we  cannot  tell  you  the 
meaning  of  the  "  Grand  old  Constitu- 
tional Force."  You  may  be  able  to 
find  out  on  inquiry  at  the  British 
Museum,  or  perhaps  one  of  the  waiters  at 
a  Service  Club  may  be  able  to  tell  you. 

COMMANDER  (PORTLAND). — Please  see 
answer  to  "  Destroyer  (Portsmouth)." 

HOPELESS  (DOVER).  —  Really  you 
seem  very  impatient.  The  War  Office, 
only  two  years  ago,  promised  that 
something  would  be  done  shortly  for 
the  more  antiquated  fossils  among  the 
It.G.A.  Subalterns,  and  they  are  sure  to 
keep  their  word  sooner  or  later.  It  is 
only  a  question  of  time. 

Fi.\(;-itANK  (PLYMOUTH). — Please  sec 
answers  .to  "Destroyer  (Plymouth)" 
and  "Commander  (Portland)." 

PERPLEXED  (SYDENHAM).  —  No,  we 
(in  not  know  the  answer  to  the  riddle, 
"  What  is  the  dilTcrence  between  a 
•  lie  1'  Marine  and  a  '  Blue  '  Marine?" 
It  is  probably  a  question  of  colour. 

MIDSHIPMAN  (SHEEHXKSS).  —  Please 
sea  answers  to  "Destroyer  (Ports- 
month),"  "Commander  (Portland)," 
and  "  Flag-rank  (Plymouth)." 


Jliuit/nj  KiKjIis/inKiii  (ifhofr.'tla  hiuirtlf  e*hi* 

/••,,„./,    //•<(/,',•.•.-.«.     •'  Vn.MMKNT,  M's'El'  ?     SlAK 


Fira-h}.   ".I'AI  I'XE  KAIH 

VOTKK  FEMMK,  (I:  s't  -  I    I-  V-  M..S  AFHI  l:i:  '. 


FRISSONS. 

["  J'/if  Life  of  n.  Tigri;  by  S.  KAi:i>i.KY-\\'it,- 
MOT.  It  would  l>o  dillieult  to  ov<T-rni|i|ias><> 
the  fascination  of  this  talc,  which  not  only 
records  the  ri>-  iitlimr  of  the  \\fp\-  family,  but 
introduces  the  whole  life  of  the  jungle  ill  a 
series  of  vivid  and  kaleidoMOpiQ  pictures."  —  Mi'. 
Etitmitl  Arnulil'x  1'nlilis/iimj  Aii.ii>n<iecuttat».'\ 


LAST  night  I  had  a  dreadful  dream 
About  the  tiger's  vie  intimc. 

That  is—  if  you  will  pardon  me  — 
The  tiger  visited  cltcz  lui. 

(The  Gallic  tongue  is,  to  my  mind, 
More  delicate  and  more  refined. 

If  I  put  that  in  crude  and  curt 
English  —  well,  tigers  might  1x3  hurt. 

And  I'm  extremely  anxious  not 
To  touch  the  tiger's  tender  spot.) 

So  so  ;  but  maybe  you  'd  prefer 
The  tiger  <i  I'intirif-ur  .' 


Or,  somewhat  geographically, 
The  tiger  seen  dans  son 


Or  would  you  rather  I  should  -a;, 
The  tiger  interviewed  ilr  ]>n->.  .' 

Or  would  you  think  the  words  lu  ,s 

weak  — 
The  tiger's  foyer  ilomcistique  / 

Or,  if  that  phrase  you  rather  hate, 
How  's  this—  the  tiger  tfte-A-tfUf 

Does  that  convey  the  true/i- 
Or  this  —  the  tiger  an  «W<in.<  .' 

There  arc,  of  course,  more  fancy 
•ways, 

1\.</.,  the  tiger  i't  sew  aise. 

Or,  if  affectionate  you'd  be, 
There  's  still  the  tiger  en  ami. 

These  variations  ought  to  do; 
Should  they  impress  you—  Bon  .' 
(  "est  tout  ! 


462 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  20,  1911. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"BELLA  DONNA." 

FOB  what  it  sets  out  to  bo— a  sort  of 
superior  melodrama — Bella  Donna  is 
all  that  the  British  heart  could  desire. 
It  would  be  idle  to  pretend  that  it 
raises  any  moral  problem,  apart  from 
the  old  doubts  as  to  the  recuperative 
powers  of  damaged  womanhood ;  or 
any  social  problem,  unless  Dr.  Isaac- 
son's assault  upon  medical  etiquette 
can  be  credited  with  this  intention.1 
Idle  too  to  claim  that  the'play  attempts 
to  grapple  with  the  highest  task  of  the 
dramatist — to  develop  character  rather 
than  exhibit  it  ready-made.  The  chief 
persons  of  the  play  remain  at  the  end 
pretty  much  what  they  were  at  the 
start,  except  that  Armine  has  probably 
learned  to  modify  his  chivalrous  ideas 
of  the  sex,  and  that  Bella  Donna 
has  gone  a  stage  further  on  the 
primrose  path  than  was  originally 
dreamed  of  in  her  philosophy  of 
hedonism.  .  But  in  her  case,  at  any 
rate,  the  processes — and  they  are  every- 
thing— have  been  largely  omitted.  At 
one  moment  we  see  her  about  to  be 
married  to  the  best  of  fellows,  and 
with  at  least  an  off-chance  of  social 
regeneration  ;  at  the  next — presto ! — 
she  is  the  well-established  mistress  of 
a  coloured  financier.  What  in  the 
meantime  she  has  had  to  overcome  in 
the  shape  of  physical  hesitancy  or  cal- 
culating worldly  wisdom,  is  left  to  our 
vivid  imaginations. 

But  if  an  acquaintance  with  the 
original  book  is  necessary  for  the  nego- 
tiation of  this  yawning  gulf,  still,  as  a 
series  of  episodes  and  situations,  the 
play  is  sufficiently  lucid  and  logical. 
I  cannot  indeed  see  how  the  adapter, 
Mr.  FAGAN,  in  the  conditions  of  time 
and  space  that  were  imposed  upon 
him,  could  have  done  his  work  better. 
Except,  perhaps,  in  the  interview  with 
a  patient  at  the  opening  of  the  first 
Act  (and  something  negligible  had  to 
be  done  while  the  audience  was  getting 
noisily  into  its  seats,  a  process  which 
unfortunately  overlapped  the  delivery 
of  some  much  more  important  dialogue 
that  follows),  there  is  scarcely  a  word 
wasted  in  the  whole  play.  And,  if 
he  did  not  altogether  succeed  in  re- 
producing the  atmosphere  which  Mr. 

1  Mr.  RAYMOND  BLATIIWAYT,  in  what  a  con- 
temporary describes  as  his  "chatty  brochure" 
(entitled  "Bella  Donna:  The  Authors,  the 
Play  and  the  Players,"  and  given  away  with  the 
programme),  has  a  lot  to  say  on  this  subject. 
I  quote  his  own  words,  lest  their  literary  quality 
should  be  sacrificed  in  paraphrase:  "It  must 
occur,"  he  says,  "quite  frequently  in  every -day 
life  that  a  medical  man  ...  is  hung  upon  the 
horns  of  the  dilemma,  on  the  one  hand,  of  pro- 
fessional etiquette,  and  on  the  other  of  a  human 
life  endangered  by  a  professional  desire  not  to 
interfere. " 


HiCHENb2  achieves  by  force  of  wor.l- 
colouring  and  an  inveterate  gift  of 
insistence,  well,  that  was  in  the  natrro 
of  things.  To  say  nothing  of  the 
necessary  brevity  of  its  effects,  the 
direct  visual  appeal  of  the  stage  is  apt 
to  discourage  the  art  of  suggestion. 

It  was  unfortunate  that  several  scenes 
in  the  novel,  very  vital  to  the  sequence 
of  tilings,  had  unavoidably  to  he  omitted, 
the  scenes  in  particular  where  Bella 
Donna  comes  in  contact  with  one  of 
the  native  women  of  Baroudi's  menage. 
The  loss  of  the  final  scene  on  The 
Loulia,  \yhere  he  dismisses  the  English- 
woman with  contempt  in  the  presence 


Dr.  Isaacson  (Sir  GEOUGE  ALEXANDER)  to 
Bella  JJonna.  (Mrs.  PATRICK  CAMPBELL).  "On 
the  floor  is  a  poisoned  cup  which  has  hitherto 
escaped  my  notice.  In  another  moment  I  shall 
detect  it,  and  then  where  will  you  be  ? " 

of  the  other,  was  greatly  to  be  deplored. 
The  parting  with  Baroudi  outside  the 
villa  made  a  very  tame  and  inadequate 
substitute  for  this  terrible  scene.  At 
the  same  time  the  cutting-out  of  these 
and  other  episodes  in  the  relations  be- 
tween the  white  woman  and  the  black 
man  helped  to  mitigate  the  repulsive- 
ness  of  the  theme. 

Sir  GEORGE  ALEXANDER,  as  Dr.  Meyer 
Isaacson,  had  the  sort  of  part  which 
shows  him  at  his  best-but-one.  Self- 
contained,  unimpassioned,  resourceful 
— as  befits  a  corrective  Providence — 
he  was  excellent  throughout.  But,  even 

-  Mr.  HICHENS  will  appreciate  the  intention, 
if  not  the  idiomatic  style,  of  the  following  eulogy 
by  Mr.  RAYMOND  BLATHWAYT  :  "His  misis- 
cn-scine  are  invariably  photographic :  ...  he 
never  writes  of  places,  persons  or  phases  in  life 
concerning  which  he  has  not  first  troubled 
himself  to  become  fully  acquainted." 


iii  a  black  wig  and  moustache  (the 
latter  concealing  the  smile  so  fatal  in 
moments  of  crisis),  and  though  lie  da- 
canted  the  poisoned  coffee  as  if  born 
to  the  manipulation  of  test-tubes,  I 
will  not  say  that  I  ever  quite  mistook 
him  for  a  specialist  in  toxicology, 
though  I  cannot  tell  you  off-hand 
exactly  how  a  specialist  in  toxicology 
ought  to  behave.  It  was  not  his  fault 
if  I  went  through  an  awful  time  of 
apprehension  while  the  poisoned  coffee 
stood  in  its  little  egg-cup  on  the  floor, 
right  under  his  nose,  and  it  seemed  as 
if  he  would  never  notice  it.  '  Even 
then,  when  he  did,  I  was  disappointed 
that  he  omitted  to  dip  his  finger  in  and 
try  the  taste  of  it,  but  waited  till  ha 
could  analyse-'5  it  "off." 

As  Bella  Donna,  Mrs.  PATRICK 
CAMPBELL  was  wonderful  always,  but 
in  the  First  Act  simply  adorable.  At 
the  cost  of  one  more  proof  of  her 
incomparable  versatility  I  could. have 
wished  that  she  might  have  remained 
ever  thus  in  a  delightful  mood  where 
cynicism  was  mixed  with  the  almost 
childlike  desira  to  make  the  best  of  a 
bad  life.* 

In  the  part  of  Nigel  Armine,  Mr. 
CHARLES  MAUDE  failed  to  persuade 
me  of  his  quixotic  ideals,  but  for  the 
rest,  and  within  his  natural  limitations, 
he  played  a  difficult  part  very  soundly. 
Mr.  ATHOL  STEWART  was  something 
more  than  passable  in  the  thankless 
rdle  of  the  American  doctor  ;  and  Miss 
MARY  GREY,  as  Mrs.  Marckmont,  gave 
me,  in  the  London  scene,  the  sense  of 
confidence  which  I  rarely  feel  (except  in 
the  case  of  dowagers)  when  a  Society 
woman  is  presented  on  the  stage.  Mr. 
SHIEL  BARRY  was  a  very  attractive 
Ibrahim;  but  Mr.  CHARLES  BRYANT 
had  too  much  the  air  of  a  clean-built 
Englishman  to  impose  upon  me  as  an 
Oriental  scamp.  Still,  by  help  of  paint 
and  a  fez  and  an  accent,  he  contrived  to 
import  a  manner  very  tolerably  sugges- 
tive of  an  exotic  origin  ;  and  if  be  could 
not  help  modifying  the  natural  offen- 
siveness  of  Baroudi  perhaps  that  was 
all  to  the  good. 

The  play,  as  I  saw  it  on  the  third 
night,  ran  perfectly,  and  everyone,  from 

3  The  results  of  that  analysis  are  not  revealed 
to  the  invalid  till  he  is  in  a  state  of  advanced 
convalescence  in  the  last  Act.   "It  is  a  moment," 
says  Mr.  RAYMOND  l>i.. \TIIWAYT,  "such  as  this 
which  culminates  in  a  burst  of  passionate  horror 
that  brings  to  a  play  of  this  kind  its  measure  of 
human   interest    on   an   absolute    top   note   of 
emotion." 

4  It  is  of  this  phase  rather  than  of  her  sub- 
sequent career  as  a  poisoner  that  Mr.  RAYMOND 
BLATHWAYT  is  thinking  when  he  hints  of  his 
own  wide  experience  of  this  type.     "  In  many 
respects,"  he  says,  "Mrs.  Armine  is  a  typical 
specimen   of    the    modern   fashionable   woman 
one  encounters  so  frequently  in  the  London 
drawing-room." 


DBCBMBSB  20,  191L]  I'UNCIf,    Oil   TIIK    LONDON    <  'HA  III  VAKI. 


463 


fpg 


—  <VT-  SMITH— •) 

~***r 

ii       Tii-aity  (fa  Minus  Timtty-four,  who  is  playing  for  a  half  anil  has  ticice  orer-ruu  the  livlt~).  "STAY  WHERE  YOU  ABE,  OLD  MAS  ; 

lIKUK's  TUB   UKEEX-KEEHEU— HE'LL  MOVE  THE  HOLE!" 


actor  -  manager  to  scene-shifter,  had 
a  hand  in  its  success.  Though  the 
plot  must  have  taen  familiar  to  many, 
the  action  was  always  arresting,  and  the 
play  is  certain  to  prove  widely  popular 
\vitli  a  class  of  audience  not  too  exigent 
of  intellectual  profundity.  O.  S. 

THE  GOLDEN  LAND  OF  FAIRY  TALES. 

There  are  no  music-hall  comedians  at 
the  Aldwych,  no  diversions  of  perform- 
ing seals  and  handcuff  kings  to  interrupt 
the  six  fairy  stories  to  which  -we  have 
come  to  listen ;  and  you  may  surmise 
that  the  evening,  however  artistically 
correct,  is  in  danger  of  being  dull.  This, 
let  me  confess,  was  what  I  feared  at  the 
end  of  Little  Red  Riding  Hood.  It  is 
not  a  good  story  for  literal  presentation 
on  the  stage;  any  story,  in  fact,  in 
which  two  of  the  principal  characters 
are  eaten  by  the  third  makes  a  bad  play, 
for  the  reason  that  realism,  hampered 
by  modern  convention,  breaks  down  at 
the  one  great  dramatic  moment.  There 
was  a  compromise  at  the  Aldwych — 
Granny  and  Red  Riding  Hood  being 
eaten  off  the  stage,  but  emerging  whole 
from  the  decapitated  wolf.  It  was  then 
that  I  feared  that  the  evening  might 
be  too  crudely  simple  for  any  but  the 
youngest  of  us. 

But  Puss  in  Boots  revived  me.  The 
Ogre  was  more  like  an  ogre  than  any 


I  have  ever  met,  and  Pass  herself  was 
superb.  The  debonair  abandon,  the 
6lan,  in  plain  English  the  "side"  of 
this  cat  was  everything  that  the  story 


A   HUGE  SUCCKSS. 
The  Ogre       Mr.  J.  M.  EAST. 

The  Hun       ...          Master  HAKOI.D  BAKRETT. 


had  led  me  to  hope.  However,  there 
were  even  better  things  to  come ;  and 
it  is  theSecond  Act,  showing  Cinderella, 
Snowdrop  and  The  Sleeping  Beauty, 
which  will  draw  both  children  and 
grown-ups  in  thousands  to  the  Aid- 
wych. 

Miss  MARY  GLYSNE  is  the  little  girl 
who  plays  Cinderella,  and  anything 
more  sweetly  pretty  than  that  Cinder- 
ella has  never  been  seen  on  the  stage. 
Of  the  two  triumphs  of  the  evening 
hers  was  the  first.  When  her  little  play 
was  over  I  would  gladly  have  paid  a 
"  Nunc  dimittis "  and  have  left  ttie 
theatre  ;  but  fortunately  duty  kept  me, 
and  in  Snowdrop  I  had  my  second  thrill. 
This  was  from  another  child,  Miss 
ELISE  CRAVEN,  whose  dancing  left  me 
simply  breathless  with  happiness.  I 
hand  all  other  dancers  over  to  anybody 
who  wants  them.  CRAVEN  for  me. 

There  are  other  players  who  should 
be  noticed — particularly  Mr.  ALFRED 
LATELL,  who  took  all  the  animal  parts. 
I  have  spoken  of  his  Puts  in  Boots,  but 
he  was  also  a  captivating  bull-dog  in 
( 'intlcrella.  I  cannot  begin  to  mention 
all  the  people  to  whom  we  are  indebted 
for  the  costumes,  scenery,  armour,  stage 
paintings,  Ac.,  but  in  Snowdrop  and  The 
Sleeping  Beauty  they  excelled  them- 
selves. 

Altogether  a  delightful  evening.     M. 


4G1 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CII/VU1YAUI.  [DECEMBER  20,  1911. 


THE   CHRISTMAS   SCHHDUU.. 

"I  HATE  Christmas!"  said  Maisie 
suddenly  at  the  breakfast-table,  (ipro/ws 
of  nothing  at  all. 

Edward,  who  was  reading  an  article 
in  The  Times  on  "  Recent  Advances  in 
Actuarial  Methods  Considered  from  the 
Autochthonous  Standpoint,"  mummied 
a  vague  "  Yes  "  and  continued  down 
the  column. 

"I  wish  you  wouldn't  say  'Yes' 
when  you  don't  mean  it !  " 

"Very  well,  my  dear,  just  as  you 
like." 

"  You  're  too  aggravating  for  words  ! 
I  hate  Christmas  because  there  's  the 
horrible  worry  of  choosing  the  right 
presents  for  the  right  people.  It 
doesn't  affect  you ;  you  only  pay  for 
them — that's  the  easy  part." 

Edward  showed  signs  of  interest. 
"  Why  don't  yon  work  it  by  schedule  ?  " 
he  suggested  briskly. 

"  Don't  be  shoppy  !  " 

(Edward,  it  may  be  explained,  is  in 
the  Schedules  at  Somerset  House.  He 
has  a  natural  talent  for  the  work.) 

"  I  '111  quite  serious.  It 's  always  the 
best  way.  It  will  save  you  no  end  of 
trouble.  Get  me  a  pen  and  paper, 
dear,  and  I  '11  show  you.  And  a  ruler." 

"But  I  haven't  got  a  ruler.  I  hate 
rulers." 

"Then  I'll  use  the  back  of  a  knife, 
but  a  ruler  would  make  a  better  job  of 
it." 

It  was  certainly  a  very  neat  piece 
of  work  when  Edward  had  finished  it, 
though  it  hardly  satisfied  his  critical 
taste  because  of  a  slight  slip  in  double- 
ruling  where  the  ink  had  spread  from 
one  twin  line  to  another.  He  pro- 
ceeded to  expound  it  to  his  wife : — 

"  The  first  column  is  headed  '  Name,' 
and  under  this,  of  course,  you  write 
down  the  names  of  all  the  people  to 
whom  you  wish  to  give  presents  ;  then 
come  columns  for  '  Age  '  and  '  Occupa- 
tion,' the  latter  being  a  valuable  aid 
and  requiring  care  in  filling  in  the 
correct  designation 3 ;  the  next  column, 
headed  '  Married,  Single,  Widowed  or 
Divorced,'  should  be  self-evident  with- 
out further  explanation  en  my  part; 
Hun  come  columns  for  '  Hobbies  and 
Preferences,"  '  Dislikes  and  Prejudices,' 
and  '  Former  Presents  ' ;  and  finally  a 
wide  column  for  'Remarks.'  This  last 
will  give  you  opportunity  to  insert  any 
relevant  particulars  which  may  not  fall 
conveniently  under  any  of  the  other 
headings,  and  also  the  suggestion  for 
this  year's  present.  Is  that  all  clear?" 

"Yes  .  .  .  1  think  so  .  .  .  But  what 
am  I  to  do  witli  it?  " 

"Fill  it  in  at  your  leisure  to-day, 
carefully  and  thoroughly,  and  then 
to-night  we  '11  go  over  it  together." 


It  was  a  very  scribbly,  scrawly,  ink- 
blotty  production  which  Maisie  showed 
to  her  husband  in  the  evening.  He 
frowned  involuntarily.  Had  it  been 
the  work  of  one  of  his  clerks,  that  clerk 
woidd  have  received  a  severe  wigging. 
Work  badly  done  cut  him  to  Hie  quick, 
but,  as  it  was  Maisie's,  he  tried  to  say  a 
few  encouraging  words  : — • 

"  Of  course  it 's  the  first  time  for  you. 
.  .  .  It 's  certainly  promising.  .  .  . 
Next  time  it  will  come  eas-ier.  It 's  a 
matter  of  practice.  .  .  .  Yes,  I  think 
we'll  manage  all  right  with  this." 

Maisie  pouted,  but  said  nothing,  and 
Edward  proceeded  to  adjust  his  glasses 
and  read  out  from  the  schedule: — 

"  'Aunt  Maria — Age  :  58, 1  think,  but 
of  course  she  never  will  acknowledge 
it,  so  we  had  better  put  it  down  at  50 
and  please  her?'  .  .  .  My  dear,  it's 
scarcely  necessary  to  insert  all  that ;  it 
would  be  quite  sufficient  to  put  down 
58,  and  in  brackets  next  to  it  a  note  of 
interrogation." 

"I  thought  you  wanted  me  to  fill  it 
in  carefully." 

"  Yes,  of  course ;  but  I  didn't  mean 
all  that.  However,  let  us  proceed : 
'  Occupation  :  An  old  cat  .  .  .'  Maisie, 
how  can  that  help  us  ?  " 

"  That 's  just  what  I  say,  but  you 
told  me  to  fill  it  all  in." 

Edward  proceeded  with  a  pained 
expression  : — "  '  Married,  etc.  :  You 
know  she  has  been  a  widow  for  a  long 
time,  long  before  we  were  married. 
She  wanted  to  divorce  her  husband,  I 
believe,  but  she  could  never  catch  him 
— at  least  that 's  what  Mama  says. 
Hobbies  and  Preferences :  Parrots  and 
funerals.  Dislikes  and  Prejudices . 
You  and  I,  but  she  mostly  dislikes 
everything  and  she  is  horribly  pre- 
judiced. Former  presents  :  Last  year 
we  sent  her  a  set  of  poker  patience. 
She  sent  this  back  without  putting  a 
stump  on  the  parcel,  with  a  note  saying 
that  she  strongly  disapproved  of  low 
American  gambling  games.  Remarks: 
I  'm  sure  I  don't  know  what  to 
suggest.  .  .  .'  My  clear  Maisie,  what  is 
the  use  of  all  this  rubbish  ? 

"  I  don't  mean  to  be  unkind,  but  look 
at  this  matter  seriously.  How  can  it 
help  us  ?  What  on  earth  's  the  use  of 
writing  down  that  '  Uncle  John  dislikes 
any  highly-seasoned  dish  and  has  a 
particular  prejudice  against  barrel- 
organs'?  Or  that  'Reggie  is  single 
but  it  is  high  time  he  got  married  and 
settled  down,  because  he  is  getting  too 
selfish  for  words  '  ?  Or  that  '  Mrs. 
Harringay  likes  to  stay  in  bed  until 
lunch-time  and  sometimes  does  not  get 
up  until  three  or  four  in  the  afternoon, 
and  that  her  husband  ought  to  give  her 
a  thoroughly  good  shaking  '  ?  My  clear 
Maisie,  how  can  it  help  us  ?  " 


It  was  at  this  point  that  Maisie 
retired  from  the  unequal  contest. 

Edward  ga/ed  blankly  at  the 
slammed  door.  "  It  takes  a  man  to 
understand  schedules,"  he  said. 


THE  LATEST  FILMS. 

|"A  NKW  l*i:oi''K-..-i'.iN  is  tliut  <il'  writing 
uriirs  which  can  he  [n-cdm-ru  MS  I'.tos' »|., 
I'i'.'luros  ;  f'ri'sli  sjniid  idc  is  arc  well  jmid  for  on 
iUTi'|ilani-i-."-  "Titiits"  ./'/;•/.] 

WE  have  ourselves  secured  a  few 
sce.ies  calculated  to  excite  tar  more 
mt'.TOst  than  the  present  dreary  epi- 
sodes, alleged  to  be  comic,  in  the  lives 
of  French  and  American  grimacer.s. 

(a)  A  day  in  the  life  of  the  CHAN- 
CELLOR OF  THK  ExcHF.yi'KU  between  the 
second  and  third  readings  of  the  Insur- 
ance Bill  in  the  House  of  Lords.     His 
rising   at    4.30    A.M.    to    wor'.c    at   last 
night's  arrears  of  oone3ponden.ce,  with 
intervals   for   jotting  down,  by  dicta- 
tion, any  new   ideas   that  may   occur 
to  him  as  to  additional  taxes  possible 
for  the  Insurance  Bill ;  the  arrival  of 
the  morning  post,  read  while  snatching 
a   hasty   meal   from    a    more    or    los 
free  breakfast   table ;  consideration  of 
various  new  amendments  to  the  great 
measure  which  the  post  has  brought ; 
brisk   motor   ride   to  Billingsgate  and 
stroll  through  the  market  for  inspira- 
tion ;  practical  examination  of  consign- 
ment   of    stamp    girm    from    different 
makers  with  a  view  to  see  which  tastes 
the  best ;   reception  of  deputations  from 
medical    men,    hot -cross -bun -bakers, 
snow  -  sweepers,  steeplejacks,    sword- 
swallowers,  and  so  forth,  all  claiming 
special  treatment  and  all  obtaining  satis- 
factory   guarantees    and    leaving    im- 
mensely impressed  in  the  CHANCELLOR'S 
favour ;    quick  lunch  ;  walking   to  the 
House  of  Commons,  in  the  usual  cine- 
matograph way,  one  foot  before  the  other 
much  too  fast;  entering  the  House  amid 
the  ribald  sneers  of  the  constables  on 
duty  imperfectly  disguised    under    an 
outward  show  of  respect ;  replying  to 
countless  questions  and  unloading  his 
scores  off  the  Opposition  ;  attendance 
to   hundreds  of  letters   in  his  private 
room  ;    hasty   dinner  ;    return    to    the 
House  and  engagement  in  intricate  and 
fatiguing  debate  ;  bed  at  half-past  one. 
The  whole  to  be  accompanied  on   the 
piano  by  a  fantasia  on  the  theme  "  For 
he 's  a  jolly  good  fellow." 

(b)  Mr.  BOURCHIER  growing  a  now 
beard. 

.   (c)  Mr.     WINSTON     CHURCHILL 
"  scrapping  "  Admirals. 

(d)  Miss  M—  -  C —  -  cabling  her 
congratulations  to  the  Viceroy  of 
INDIA  on  the  choice  of  a  capital  which 
rhymes  to  her  name. 

(c)  Mr.  J.  W.  H.  T.  DOUGLAS  making 
two  runs.     (Film  1,800  yards  long). 


DlKKMHKH    20,    1011. 


PUNCH,   Oil  THK   LONDON   CHAHIVAIU. 


4C.1 


//,<<>,/, v.w/-.   ''An,  THAT  I*  A  WAX,  Sii:.  '    Yi  i    N.:I:I>  SKVKI:  \ror.i:\   Aimer  THAT  COMIM;  OF?  voi'it  UOI'.VTAI  HE  WITH  THK 
\\  I:\TIIKI:.     I'VE  HAH  (INK  LOT  ON  MINK  mi:  A  MONTH — I:KI,IKVK  MB,  Sin,  ONK  MONTH — HIM  u  HIM.  A  BATH!" 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Pimcli's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
MODERATELY  safe  to  assume  that,  if  a  book  called  Iht 
J-'renrli  Jlcrolution  had  not  been  written  by  THOMAS 
CAHLYLE,  1  should  not  now  just  have  finished  the  perusal 
of  another,  by  Sir  JAMES  YOXALL,  called  The  Courtier  Stoops 
(SMITH,  ELDER).  It  bears,  by  no  means  unpleasantly,  the 
influence  of  the  Sage  in  every  chapter.  "  A  grating  noise 
had  begun  to  be  audible;  the  south  gate  was  scraping 
open.  Out  of  spaces  of  distance  and  time  the  foot  had 
come  to  the  sill" — you  see,  very  obviously,  whose  is  the 
inspiration  for  such  passages  as  this.  The  foot  was  that 
of  Captain  Machonn,  posting,  a  discredited  and  ridiculed 
monitor,  throughout  Europe  in  1790,  with  his  warning  of  the 
change  that  was  to  break  up  old  systems  and  governments. 
The  man  who  heard  and  half  believed  his  message  is  the 
central  figure  of  the  tale,  Councillor  of  the  tiny,  sleeping 
( .cniian  state  of  Ilmenar — a  figure  famous  enough,  and  but 
thinly  disguised  by  the  author  under  the  abbreviated  name 
of  Johann  con  Wolfgang.  It  is  of  his  life,  mental  rather 
than  bodily,  and  of  the  influence  upon  it  of  the  troubled 
t .imps,  that  the  story  treats  ;  incidentally  giving  a  clever  and 
impressive  picture  of  the  little  toy-kingdom,  one  of  so  many 
presently  to  vanish  before  the  news  that  came  rushing  out 
of  France.  All  this  is  excellently  done,  up  to  the  final 
catastrophe  of  Yalmy,  which  shows  the  hero,  GOETHE 
confessed,  riding  into  the  dance  of  the  cannon-balls,  and 


making  his  famous  experiment  in  "cannon-fever";  lu^t  •>!' 
all,  amid  tho  crash  and  roar  of  these  same  cannon,  wedding 
the  peasant  girl  Christiane,  whom  tho  ruin  of  the  old  caste- 
ideals  has  rendered  possible  as  a  wife  for  a  well-born.  An 
unusual  and  scholarly  story,  well  worth  reading. 


"Seems  so"  is  what  you  say  in  Devonshire  if  you  liuve 
made  a  particularly  positive  statement  and  yet  are  moved 
by  politeness  to  concede  that  the  other  fellow  may  have 
some  right  on  his  side.  In  Seems  So  (MAC  Mil, LAN)  the 
other  fellow  is  described  as  "The  Likes  o'  They"— that  is 
to  say,  gentle  reader,  the  Likes  of  Us  :  and  the  joint  authors 
of  the  book,  STEPHEN  REYNOLDS,  the  scribe  who  would 
a-fishing  go,  and  his  mates  Bon  and  TOM  WOOLLEY,  tell  us 
quite  plainly  just  what  the  working-man  thinks  of  us  and 
our  politics.  If  I  were  a  hand-working  instead  of  a  brain- 
working  man  I  should  probably  be  with  them  heart  and 
soul  in  their  condemnation  of  the  fussy  benevolence  of  the 
law.  I  should  hate — I  know  I  should — to  have  my  life 
and  my  home  and  my  children  and  my  public-house  con- 
stantly" interfered  with  and  inspected  by  a  pack  of  prying 
officials.  Life  must  be  pretty  intolerable  when  you  can't 
call  your  kitchen-sink  your  own.  And  it  is  because  of  that 
sort  of  thing  that  the  likes  of  us— Tories,  Radicals,  Tariff 
Reformers,  Free  Traders,  Lloyd  Georges,  Bonar  I^aws, 
Sidney  \Vebbs,  Bishops,  Temperance  and  Educational 
Reformers,  Sanitary  Inspectors,  Officers  for  the  Prevention 
of  Cruelty  to  Children,  Magistrates  and  Policemen — seem 


436 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER  2\  1911. 


to  the  working-man  to  run  the  country  and  make  or  execute  I  Three  months  later  John  was  chased  along  a  country  road 


its  laws  to  suit  our  private  ends.  They  think  that  we  do 
not  properly  understand  their  needs,  their  rights,  their 
feelings  and  their  pride.  And,  apparently,  there  is  a  great 
deal  to  be  said  for  their  point  of  view.  I  counsel  you  to 
read  the  KEYXOLDS-WOOLLEY  manifesto  and  see  if  it  doesn't 


'  seem  so. 


Empire's  services, 
of   India   and   his 


Trippers  who  come  hack  from  the  Durbar  with  the  notion 
that  Viceroys  of  India  are  just  picturesque  figure-beads 
whose  business  in  life  is  to  organise  pomps  and  pageantry 
for  the  demands  of  Oriental  imaginations,  had  better  correct 
this  error  by  a  study  of  Mr.  LOVAT  ERASER'S  India  under 
Gurzon  and  After  (HEIXEMANN).  It  is  a  record  of  Herculean 
toil.  The  bitterest  of  Lord  CURZON'S  opponents  could  not, 
after  reading  these  pages,  call  in  question  the  sacrificial 
devotion  with  which  he  laboured,  unsparing  of  his  health, 
for  the  bettering  of  the  condition  of  the  native  races  and 
for  the  strengthening  of  all  branches  of  the  finest  of  the 
Mr.  LOVAT  PHASER'S  long  experience 
freedom  from  official  influence  have 
enabled  him  to  spsak  at  once  with  authority  and  detach- 
ment. His  style  is  the  easy  and  fluent  style  of  a  writer 
so  conversant  with  his  p— 
subject  that  he  can 
afford  to  dispense  with 
the  embroideries  of  su- 
perfluous rhetoric. 
Though  his  sympathies 
nearly  always  incline 
him  to  take  Lord  CUR- 
ZON'S  point  of  view, 
the  tact  with  which  he 
has  handled  the  differ-  \ 
ences  between  the 
VICEROY  and  the  COM- 
MANDER-IN-CHIEF fur- 
nishes sufficient  proof 
of  an  impartial  attitude 
of  mind.  In  the  light 
of  recent  pronounce- 
ments, his  enthusi- 


FAIRY 
AT  THE  AGE  OF  5 — Hans  Andci'scn. 


by  a  fearful  Thing,  which  ended  by  treeing  him  and  break- 
ing his  neck.  Mr.  Karsirell,  a  man  who  had  a  short  way 
with  critics,  had  "cast  the  runes"  on  him.  Now,  it  may 
be  that  Dr.  M.  E.  JAMES,  in  whose  More  Ghost  Stories 
(ARNOLD)  this  awful  example  occurs,  cannot  cast  runes, 
and  would  not  if  ho  could ;  but  I  am  taking  no  risks. 
I  wish  to  place  myself  on  record  as  unreservedly  recom- 
msnding  More  Ghost  Stones.  Fortunately,  in  this  case,  as 
it  happens,  honesty  need  not  be  sacrificed  to  prudence. 
That  delightful  bhnd  of  antiquarianism,  quiet  humour  and 
ingenious  creepiness  which  characterised  the  earlier  stories, 
has  suffered  no  falling  off.  It  is  Dr.  JAMES'  method  that 
makes  his  tales  so  fascinating.  As  he  puts  it  in  his 
preface,  a  ghost  story  ought  to  be  told  in  such  a  way  that 
the  reader  shall  say  to  himself,  "  If  I  'm  not  very  careful 
something  of  this  kind  may  happen  to  me."  That  is  Dr. 
JAMES'  secret.  A  spectre  in  a  ruined  castle  leaves  us  cold, 
or,  rather,  does  not  leave  us  cold,  because  we  seldom  pass 
an  evening  in  a  ruined  castle.  But  in  one's  bedroom  ? 
Aha !  The  thought  chills  the  marrow.  In  a  Dr.  JAMES 
bedroom  practically  anything  may  happen.  A  sheet  starts 
into  life  and  springs  at  you  with  an  "  intensely  horrible 

— :  face  of  crumpled 
linen.''  You  feel  under 
the  pillow  for  your 
watch  ;  you  touch  "  a 
mouth  with  teeth  and 
with  hair  about  it,  not 
the  mouth  of  a  human 
being."  You  lock  the 
door ;  a  "  thin  voice 
among  the  bed-cur- 
tains says,  '  Now  we  're 
shut  in  for  the  night.'  " 
And  through  the  win- 
dow you  see  "  a  horrible 
hopping  creature  in 
white,  dodging  among 
the  trees."  B-r-r-r-h ! 
Bring  me  the  bromide. 
Steep  me  in  narcotics. 


TALES 

AT  65— Guide  to  Investments. 


astic  and  reasoned  approval  of  the  partition  of  Bengal  is;  MACJAMES  hath  murdered  sleep! 

of  peculiar  interest.  Whatever  the  future  may  have  to  say !  Miss  BRADLEY'S  pleasantly  discursive  and  observant 
upon  tins  or  any  other  policy  of  Lord  CURZON  severy  chapter  studies  of  children  at  Play  (SMITH,  ELDER),  and  other 
of  the  book  is  an  eloquent  justification  of  his  tireless  enortsthi  m  be  commendedv  to  the  discerning  reader, 

to  realise  those  ideals  which  are  summed  up  m  the  noble  and  Envfousl  one  realises  how  happy  in  the  matter  of  environ- 
movmg  speech  that  he  delivered  on  the  eve  of  his  final  men(.  an/fche  liule  Qnes  Q{  siena  ftnd  Florence  as  compai.ed 
departure  from  India:- "To  fight  for  the  right  .  .  to  i  with  theh.  brethren  of  g  pitaliields  and  the  Commercial  Road; 
care  nothing  for  flattery  or  applause  or  odium  or  abuse-it !  w])ile  th<j  gjsters  of  thfl  H  ital  dcgli  Innocenti  are  by 
is  so  easy  to  have  any  of  these  in  India  .  .  to  remember ,  another  met]](xl  more  officient  than  the  most  rctive  o£  Care 
that  the  Almighty  has  placed  your  hand  on  the  greatest  of  \  Committee8  and  ever  so  muoh  more  picturesque.  It  is  - 
his  ploughs,  in  whose  furrow  the  nations  of  the  future  are  leasant  note  of  these  sketches  that  their  author  has  i 
germinating  and  taking  shape  to  drive  the  bade  a  little ,f  sisnincant  ways  cleinsularised  her  vision,  and  i 


forward  m  your  time  and  to  feel  that  somewhere  among  l/u]£  can  gee  n6  tmce  of  ft  666  Qn  yeil  and  soutane. 
these  millions  you  have  left  a  little  justice  or  happiness  i  ^  impreBsions  of  her  friendgi  tl)e  children,  and  of  the 
or  prosperity,  a  sense  of  manliness  or  moral  dignity,  a ;  ral  ,  accidents  of  travel  (as  far  afield  as  Corsica), 

spring  of  patriots,  a  dawn  of  intellectual  enhghtenment,  ^      .  jn  ^(h  touc,)eg  j.  ht  and  gure 
or  a  stirring  of  duty,  where  it  did  not  before  exist — that  is 
enough,  that  is  the  Englishman's  justification  in  India.     It 
is  good  enough  for  his  watchword  while  he  is  here,  for  his 

other 

India 


The  Child's  Guide  to  Knowledge. 

"A  home  sale  is  a  locked  steel  receptacle  for  money,  so  constructed  Ihat 

epitaph    when   he  is  gone.     I  have  worked  for   no    other  coins 'dropped  into  it  cannot  be  taken  out  until  it  is  unlocked." 
aim."     "So,"  says  Mr.  FRASER,  "  he  passed   from   India!  J'luiiy  TebgmjJ,. 

with  head  high  and  courage  unfaltering,  having  shed  fresh   The  next  question  we  answer  will  be,  What  s  a  corkscrew  ? 


lustre   upon    the    name    of 
single  thing  to  stain  it." 


Englishman,    and    done    no 


John  Harrington  was  a  reviewer  of  books,  and  he  slated 
Mr.  Karsivell's  "  History  of  Witchcraft."    Mark  the  sequel. 


"At  Brentwood,  on  Tuesday,  James  Huntley  and  George  Palnur, 
laborers,  no  fixed  abode,  were  each  sentenced  to  seven  days'  hard  labor 
for  bogging." — KSSIJ;  Weekly  Xcirs. 

Somebody  might  have  given  them  a  biscuit.     But  there — 
what 's  in  a  name  ? 


DECKMHKII  27,  1911.]  PUNCH,    Oil    TIIK    LONDON    CIIARIVAKI. 


THE    LONG    ARM    OF    EMPIRE. 

Fir.it  Sdtoullrjy.    "I   SAY,    HAVE  YOU   BEAD   ALL  THIS  JAW  ABOUT  ALTERING   TIIE  CAPITAL  OF   IXDIAt" 
"ROTTEN,    I   CALL   IT!      MOIIE  GEOGRAPHY  TO  SWOT   UP  !  " 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  widow  of  Mr.  B.  H.  HARRIMAN, 
the  late  Eailway  King,  has,  we  are 
told,  been  greatly  worried  by  begging- 
letter  writers.  The  total  amount  asked 
for  is  £28,000,000.  This  is  twice  as 
much  as  Mr.  HAUBIMAN'S  estate  has 
realised,  and  it  looks  as  if  the  letter 
writers  will  have  to  be  satisfied  with 
a  dividend  of  50  per  cent. 

Although  wo  have  never  regarded 
Mr.  LLOYD  QBOBOB  as  an  archangel,  we 
consider  that  soiiie  critics  are  unfair  to 
him.  While  it  is  true  that  he  has 
spent  £350,000  to  collect  £15,000,  it 
should  be  remembered  that  at  the  same 
time  he  lias  done  something  to  remedy 
unemployment  by  finding  a  number  of 
posts  for  land-valuers,  tax-collectors 
mid  the  like.  ...  ... 

\Ve  give  the  rumour  for  what  it  is 
worth,  but  it  is  stated  that  the 
Gaekwar  of  BARODA  was  only  per- 
suaded to  send  an  apology  for  his 
bearing  at  the  Durbar  by  a  threat  that, 
unless  he  did  so,  his  title  would  be 
officially  changed  to  the  Gazeka  of 
BARODA. 

veil,,   rxi.l. 


"  Nine-tenths  of  the  beauty  of  most  j 
buildings,"  says  Mr.  A.  C.  BENSON,  ' 
" dependsupon  their  abandonment  to  the 
influences  of  usage  and  weather,  even 
to  a  noble  and  not  disrespectful  neglect." 
The  pei-sons  responsible  for  the  upkeep 
of  the  facade  of  Buckingham  Palace 
are  delighted  at  this  tribute,  tardy 
though  it  be,  to  their  prescience. 

Eealism  still  seems  to  be  the  leading 

note  of  the  American  drama.     A  negro 

minister  found  guilty  of   murder   has 

[been  hanged  on  the  stage  of  an  Opera 

House  in  Georgia. 

Meanwhile  patriotic  murderers  in 
this  country,  who  insist  on  British 
material  being  used  for  their  execu- 
tion, are  getting  nervous,  for  the  last 
remaining  firm  of  rope  .  and  twine 
makers  in  Poole  has  been  compelled 
by  foreign  competition  to  close  its 
works.  *  $  \ 

The  notorious  Count  ADALBERT 
STERNBERG,  who  fought  against  us  in 
the  South  African  war,  has  been  sen- 
tenced to  a  fine  of  £200,  or  forty-eight 
hours'  imprisonment,  for  referring  to 
one  of  the  Austrian  Deputies  as  "  the 

I)  D 


scum  of  humanity  and  the  greatest 
scoundrel  in  Austria."  That  comes  of 
forgetting  oneself. 


*.* 

The  age  of  specialism !  A  pick- 
pocket who  was  arrested  in  Paris  last 
week  mentioned  that  he  only  exercised 
his  profession  on  the  irresistible 
pockets  of  persons  watching  an  aero- 
plane. *  * 

"  The    scheme    of    Lord  ROBERTS," 
says  Lord  HALDANE,  "  falls  between  two 
stools."     These   must   be  two  of  the 
office  stools  in  the  War  Department. 
*  * 

According  to  a  poultry  expert  tin- 
way  to  make  hens  lay  freely  in  winter 
is  to  give  them  plenty  of  exercise — and 
the  absurd  sight  of  a  suburban  poultry 
owner  leading  his  hen  to  the  City  by  ii 
leash  is  likely  to  become  a  feature  ol 
our  streets. 

Mr.  ALFRED  GWYNSK  YASOERBILT, 
the  richest  young  man  in  the  world, 
was,  it  is  announced, "  married  quietly  " 
to  Mrs.  Me  KIM  last  week.  You  would 
have  thought  that  such  an  exceedingly 
I  wealthy  man  would  have  had  at  least 
one  brass  band  on  such  an  occasion. 


(IK    Till-:    LONDON    CIIAUIVAUI. 


[BECEMBBII  27,  1911. 


A  RESOLUTE  CHRISTMAS. 

WK  made  up  our  minds  some  time  ago  we  were  going 
to  enjoy  Christmas,  every  little  bit  of  it,  and  when  you  make 
up  your  minds  like  that,  of  course  you  go  and  do  it  all  right. 

It  was  Peggy,  aged  eight,  who  began  it.  She  said  she 
knew  who  Santa  Claus  was  ;  she  had  scon  dad's  nose  quite 
plainly — it  wasn't  a  bit  of  use  making  it  so  red — and  she 
knew  his  voice;  nobody  could  take  her  in  any  more — in 
fact  it  was  years  ago  since  she  bad  believed  in  Santa  Claus; 
but  she  was  going  to  believe  like  mad  this  year  because  it 
was  such  fun  believing.  The  plum -pudding  tasted  better 
if  you  believed,  and— 

"  But  it 's  a  real  plum-pudding,"  said  Helen,  who  is  apt. 
to  be  sarcastic  from  the  iieight  of  her  twelve  years.  "  It 
isn't  an  old  pretender,  like  Santa  Claus.  Anybody  can 
believe  in  plum-pudding." 

"Well,"  said  Peggy,  "I  shall  believe  in  plum-pudding, 
too,  and  turkey  and  stuffing  and  sausages.  I  'in  going  to 
believe  in  everything." 

Rosie,  who  is  ten,  thought  this  was  silly.  "I  shall 
believe  in  some  things,"  she  said.  "1  shall  believe  in 
presents  and  being  allowed  to  come  to  supper  and  putting 
ribbons  round  the  necks  of  the  dogs  and  standing  under 
the  mistletoe ;  but  poor  old  Santa  Claus,  you  know,  you 
can't  believe  in  him.  Dad  just  goes  and  puts  on  his  old 
dressing-gown  and  a  red  cap,  and  chalks  his  big  boots,  and 
then  he  comes  dancing  in  and  laughs  '  Ha-Ha ' — but  it 
was  good  fun  years  ago." 

"  I  don't  care,"  said  Peg  ;  "  I  think  we  ought  to  help  him. 
He'd  be  very  sorry  if  he  thought  we  knew:him." 

"You  didn't  know  him  last  year.  You  shivered  with 
fright  when  he  came  near  you,"  said  Rosie. 

"  I  pretended  to  shiver — did  it  on  purpose  to  please  Dad, 
and  I  'm  going  to  shiver  all  over  this  year — you  see  if  1 
don't." 

At  this  moment  John  came  in,  and  the  sisters  said 
"  Hush."  John  believes  implicitly  in  Santa  Claus,  and  his 
belief  must  not  be  disturbed,  for  he  is  only  four  and  a  half. 

"John  dear,"  said  Helen  coaxingly,"  do  you  think  you 're 
going  to  see  Santa  Claus  ?  " 

"I  seed  him  last  year,'' said  John.  "  He's  tail's  a  ephelunt 
and  got  a  long  beard.  I  seed  him  this  morning." 

"  This  morning  ?  "  came  in  a  horrified  chorus  from  his  | 
sisters.  "  You  didn't.  He  '11  only  come  next  week." 

"  Well,  I  seed  him,"  said  John.     "  He  's  asleep  in  one 
of  Dad's  drawers  where  the  stockings  are.     I  think  he 's  • 
nearly  dead,  'cos  he's  got  no  eyes." 

"  He 's  opened  the  drawer  and  seen  the  mask,"  said  \ 
Helen  in  a  stage-whisper.  "Never  mind,  John,  he'll  be, 
'here to-morrow  all  right,  and  he'll  have  eyes  then." 

"  No,  he  won't,"  said  John;  "I  put  a  button-hook  in  i 
them." 

The  result  of  all  this  was  that  the  three  ladies,  having  j 
scolded  John  for  his  cruelty,  agreed  to  believe  firmly  (for  I 
John's  sake,  of  course)  in  Santa  Claus.     Then  the  mysteries 
began  to  spread  darkly  over  the  whole  house.     Helen  was 
embroidering  a  handkerchief  case — HANDKERCHIEF  in  violet 
silk,  with  sprigs  of  roses  in  pink  and   green — an  elaborate ; 
and  careful  piece  of  work  which  was  hustled  away  when- 1 
ever  I  came  within  a  mile  of  her.     Eosie  was  at  work  on  a 
pocket-book,  also  an  object  of  terrific  secrecy.     Peggy  was 
laboriously  hemming  a  doll's  shirt.     John  alone  was  guilt- ; 
less  of  any  preparation  for  presenting  anything  to  anyone,  j 
He  was  an  acceptor,  not  a  giver.    On  Christmas  Eve  they  all ; 
went  quivering  to  bed,  the  one  believer  and  the  three  who  ! 
Jiad  fore*,.!  their  faith.     The   four  stockings  were  duly  in ' 
place ;  and   on    Christinas    morning  there   were   yells   of 
delight  ia  the  passage.     Santa  Claus  arrived  after  breakfast, 


and  never  had  a  more  whole-hearted  success.  John  said, 
"  He  's  got  his  eyes  buck  ;  "  and  the  old  gentleman  gave  a 
howl  of  laughter. 

"Don't  make  him  angry,"  said  Peggy  firmly. 

"  Saints  don't  get  angry,"  said  Kosie. 

"This  Saint  sometimes  does,"  said  Mother. 

But  Helen  said,  "  No,  never."     She  was  believing  hard. 

We  enjoyed  the  whole  day — every  bit  of  it. 


- 


THE 


EVE. 


PASSING  OF   NEW  YEAR'S 

To  TItomas,  yone  ski-iny. 
I  lou  oft,  O  friend  of  early  troth, 

Ere  yet  the  Hours  had  taken  toll 
Of  that  superbly  tufted  growth 

That  crowns  the  adolescent  poll, 
1'ar  back  in  days  still  full  of  fine  illusions. 

Still  flushed  with  boyhood's  lingering  glow, 
Together  we  compared  our  hearts'  contusion, 

Watching  the  Old  Year  go. 

Time  then  could  never  move  too  fast, 

Too  soon  renew  its  annual  pledge  ; 
No  memory  of  a  barren  past 

Had  dulled  ambition's  eager  edge  : 
Still  freshly  painted  in  a  crude  vermilion 

The  future,  with  its  fame  to  win, 
Smiled  on  us  as  we  heard  the  clashed  carillnu 

Pealing  the  New  Year  in. 

For  three  full  decades,  off  and  on, 

We  kept  the  ancient  custom  uj>, 
And  talked  of  times  to  be,  or  gone, 

Over  the  temperate  wassail-cup  : 
Hand  locked  in  hand,  serenely  raised  the  question, 

"  Should  auld  acquaintance  be  forgot  ?  " 
And  poured  contempt  upon  the  vile  suggestion, 

Saying  that  it  should  not. 

And,  since  to  songs  of  good  Auld  Syne 

Some  local  weight  the  scene  supplies, 
Now  by  your  hearth  we  met,  now  mine, 

But  ever  under  home-grown  skies  ; 
Here  by  the  climate's  help  that  so  enhances 

The  loyal  patriot's  private  cheer, 
Next  to  ourselves  we  thought  of  England's  chances 

In  the  ensuing  year. 

But  all  is  changed !     And  this  our  own 

Tight  little  island,  where  we  two 
So  long  had  greeted,  now  has  grown 

Too  little  and  too  tight  for  you ; 
Spurning  your  country's  claims  at  such  a  season, 

Yearly  you  go  to  risk  your  scalp, 
With  what,  I  think,  amounts  almost  to  treason, 

Upon  an  alien  Alp. 

There  New  Year's  Eve  shall  see  you  trip 

To  strains  of  some  exotic  band  ; 
As  midnight  strikes,  you  '11  take  and  grip 

Two  perfect  strangers  by  the  hand  ; 
And  hint  that  naught  (for  Auld  Syne's  sake)  shall 
sever 

The  bond  that  twines  you  with  the  twain 
Whom  you  have  never  met  before,  and  never 

Desire  to  meet  again  !  O.  S. 


Retaliation. 

"  Tli*  Stipendiary  eventually  committed  liim  t<>  |n-!.-nii  Cm1  seven  days, 
and  was  then  removed  liy  a  police  officer." — J.tiriiiinit!"i,,i  /ini/i/  /'"J. 

It  seems  only  fair. 


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1TNC1I,    OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


"27,  1911. 


THE    ALMANAC    SCOURGE. 

BOXING- DAY  -wiis  (1  ruling  out  its 
weary  length. 

"Will  it  cccr  stop  .being  Sunday-'" 
asked  Ursula. 

"  My  dear  girl,''  1  observed,  with  the 
note  of  pleasant  severity  that  I  some- 


contrivances  that  restrict  themselves  to   picture,  real  scandal  concerning  well- 


telling  the  day  of  the  week,  with 
possibly  some  item  of  cheerful  or 
interesting  information,  such  as  'Royal 
Kxcliange  Burnt,'  or  '  Quinine  First 
Ammoniated' '!  " 

Ursula  indicated  a  heap  of  about  a 
do/en.     "Then,"    1    said,    "  here  goes 


times  adopt   towards   my   wife,    "  you  j  for  the  rest  !"  and  1  gathered  them  into 


should    not   begrudge  the  overworked  j  my    arms. 


The 

shop-assistant  his  or  her  trifling  vaca-  j  fortunately    large, 
tion.     For   my   own    part   I    find   the  j  burning    well    at 
enforced  leisure  of  this  festive  season  i  watched   the 
not  only  restful  but  stimulatin 


study    fireplace    is 
and   the    lire   was 
the    time.      Ursula 
lestruelion,  half   fright- 


You   would,"    said   Ursula. 
sides,   tobacconists   are   always 


You've  been   out  to  one  already  this 


i  ened,  half  fascinated.     "Oh,  but,"  sin- 
Bo-  |  said  whoa  it  was  already  too  late  for 
the  protest  to  have   any  effect,    "  you 


open. 


known  people,  exclusively  obtained  and 
changed  each  weak,  will  be  discussed 
by  the  characters, 
a    limited    number 


During  this  scene 
of    ladies   of    the 


audience  will  be  permitted  to  take  tea 
with  the  company.  Teas  9<?.,  with 
cucumber  sandwiches  Is.  ;  with  sotto- 
voce  remark  about  the  weather  from 
Sir  G.  A.  1  guinea. 


morning. 

"  Whilst  you  have  been By  the   now 

way,  what  on    earth    have   you   been  | 
doing'.'1      I  glanced  towards  Ursula's 


ouldn't  do  that.     They  're  presents  !  "  '  pusillanimity  of  supers,  to  i 
"They were,"  I  said;  "they'rejwsfs  to  his  words,     if  oven  Mr. 


writing-table,   now  hidden   beneath   a 
drift  of  small  parcels  and  envelopes. 

"  Yes,"  said  Ursula,  the  bitterness  I 
had  already  noticed  in  her  adorable 
voice  becoming  more  pronounced,  "you 
may  well  ask.  1  've  been  trying  to  sort 


THE    REALISTS. 


'•One  ill1  the  rliii-f  incidents  in  the  opening 
days   of  iyi'2  will  be,  the  staging   of  Hophoeli  s' 


drama    of    (Kili/ws 


The    floor    of 


Coven!  <i,uilen  is  to  bo  specially  built  up  in 
order  to  convey  to  the  spectator  the  feeling 
that  ho  is  really  participating  in  the  seene 
before  him.  The  great  feature  i  if  the  play  is  the 


enormous  crowd  who  will  surge  upon  the  slanc 
the  calendars,  and  see  wlio  sent  them.  |  through  the  opening  whii-h "is  now  the  well- 


Tliat  's  work  enough.  Do  you  know  |  known 
that  between  us  we've  been  saddled  i.V»/r. 
with  fifty-  three.  And  that's 


central   entrance   to   the  stalls." — Tin 


Mr.  LEWIS  WALLER  has  revived 
T\-in<i  Henry  V.  with  incredible  realism. 
Robust  though  his  interpretations  have 
alwaxs  been  of  the  heroic  king,  he  has 
long  chafed  at  his  inability,  owing  to  the 

suit  action 
WALLEB'S 

audiences  feel  a  fever  to  fly  at  each 
other's  throats  when  Henri/  shouts  like 
a  clarion,  what  restraint  must  the  actor 
himself  be  putting  upon  his  martial 
ecstasy?  But  restraint  in  the  present 
revival  is  unnecessary — the  fighting  is 
real.  In  Act.  III.  the  walls  of  Jlarfleur 
frown  over  the  footlights  and  dominate 
the  house.  The  English  attackers  are 
a  picked  force  of  League  footballers, 
Army  reservists,  peaceful  pickets,  and 
Bashi-Ba/ouks,  with  a  stiffening  of 


,_T  /V*  j  •  T       1  -L/t*iOlll     J_JU'^>VJ  lll\r>,          >\  1L14  ill        DVJtUOU4U.lt        \J  L 

only  j      ^  ONOERFUL  effects  are  promised  by  militanfc    suffnigists.     The    defenders, 
counting  big  ones  that  tear  off."              .  Sir  HKHBERT  BEKRBOHM  TREE  in  his  u     resomte   anj  reckless  of  m 

"Ah,"  I  said,  "that's  three  and  a  halt;  revival  ot  The   Tempest.     The   whole  ^  &  leayen  Q{  Potsdara  Greiiadi,-rs 
for  every  room  in  the  house,  and  four  :  interior  of  His  Majesty  s  is  to  be  lined 

over.      We   might   put   those    in    the ;  with     tarpaulin    and   decorated    with  j 
garden."                                                          barnacles   and  jetsam.     Sir  HERBERT, 


"It's  perfectly  idiotic.     Why  can't  |  always  considerate  for  the  comfort  of 
LLOYD  GEORGE  or  somebody  invent  a  j  his  public,  will  rescind  the  riijiieur  of 


tax  on  superfluous  almanacs?     There  evening  dress,  and  allow  mackintoshes, 
would  be  some  sense  in  that !  " 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  it  is  indeed  the 
dickens."  . 

"  About  half  of  them  are,"  corrected 
Ursula.  "  That  big  pile  in  the  corner. 
If  anything  could  make  me  tired  of  his 
books,  having  little  disjointed  texts 


cork  swimming  belts  and  other  protec- 
tions against  the  wrath  of  the  elements. 
He  has  also  engaged  the  famous  Deal 
lifeboat  to  stand  by  for  rescues.  In 
the  scene  of  the  wreck  a  veritable 
cyclone  will  rage,  not  only  on  the 
stage,  but  in  the  auditorium.  Real 


thrown  at  me  every  day  would  be  it.  I  forked  lightning  leaps  across  the  house 
Then  there 's  SHAKSPEAHE,  of  course —  from  hidden   batteries   of   tremendous 

'  ,|  -  .  }        f  !KDLC>VtLl\Vjll.^\^UlH_*llV^lJMP^V        J.TJ.1-  •       V^  . 3  Vj  .->.!» 

he's  one  of  the  worst.     There  are  six  I  voltage;    tons  ot  water   descend  from  :\SCHE  as  ./''/«<;//<.'«.     The  scene  culmin- 


excite  t|)o  Englisll  to  rage> 

Mr.  LEWIS  WALLER  has  ransacked 
the  armouries  of  Europe  for  contem- 
porary weapons.  Harfleur,  last  night, 
was  a  volcano  of  mediaeval  missiles, 
and  flights  of  arrows  and  javelins 
darkened  the  auditorium.  The  linal 
assault  —  from  the  rear  of  the  pit — 
was  led  by  Mr.  WALLKU  in  a  trans- 
port of  elocution.  The  audience,  mad- 
dened by  their  losses  from  front  and 
rear,  joined  in  the  fray.  Those  wlio 
hesitated  were  trampled  by  pike-men ; 
cravens  who  sought  the  bar  or  exits 
were  driven  to  the  front  by  Mr.  OSCAR 


froni  Macbeth  alone  this  year." 

"  Those  '11  be  all  right  for  the  spare 
bedrooms.  Fancy  the  effect  of  '  And 
when  goes  hence  ?  '  on  a  disagreeable 
guest." 

"  I  know  who  you  're  thinking  of. 
But  we  'd  have  to  give  her  '  Daily 
Helpings,'  because  she  sent  that  her- 
self." Ursula  pointed  resentfully  at 


above  ;  a  tornado  of  winds  howls  from 
Titanic  steam-driven  bellows  at  the 
back  of  the  stalls.  The  audience  will 
be  battered  by  hailstones  (pure  ice, 


ated  in  a  triumph  of  actuality.  Boil- 
ing lead  was  hurled  from  embrasures, 
masonry  toppled  on  the  besiegers,  the 
theatre  rocked  with  the  fall 


the  work  in  question, 
took  a  sudden  resolution. 
Ursula,"  I  said, 


Viewing 


it,  1 


can    you   swear 


__.  ,,  .  llCJ'l-ll-l-'  Yd    V  Ull\j«iUl.  V  -L  \J\J  1\  VjV*.  IIAlfU  U1IVJ 

Messrs.  GATT,),  and  burfeted  by  driving  I  of  Hai,fleu       aml   the  8    of   lhe 

salt    spray    (Messrs.    TIDMAN).       The !  .    •.  ••   .  • 


veriest  Philistine  will  realise  that, 
terrible  as  Nature  is  in  her  fury,  Sir 
1 1  HUBERT  BKERBOHM  TREE  is  yet  more 
cataclysmic. 


the 


Bir 


wounded    and    expostulations    of 
orchestra  made  a  terrible  finale. 

Owing  to  slight  wounds  Mr.  WALLI  R 
was  unable  to  conclude  the  play.     No.: 
I  week  he  hopes  to  be  in  the  field  again. 
!  and  requests  that  such  of  his  audience 

GBOBGB     ALEXANDER     is    also  j  as  Slirvivo  nal.fleur  wi]l  resume  their 

to  me  that  you  do  honestly  object  to  ;  enthusiastic  lor  a  closer  rappiockf.mcnt  <  seat.s    anj    await   yet   more   startling 
ordering   your  life    according    to    the  j  between  stage  and  audience.     In  the !  rcaijsm  at  Affincourt. 
suggestions  of  these  haphazard  antho- i  Second  Act  of  his  proposed  adaptation  j  '_  n 

legists?      Seriously    swear,    I    mean,  i  of  Sartor's  grim  drama,  The,  \Vnmij  Suit,'. 

so    that   you   can't   blame    me    after-    is    an    amazingly   powerful    drawing-  What  our  Suburbs  Talk  About, 

wards?"  room  tea-party,  which  -will  be  allowed  i-  BROMLEY. 

"  Of  course,  darling.     But  why  ?  "      '  to  spread  all  over  the  stalls.    To  add  to       From  a  tradesman's  circular : — 
"You '11  see.     Are  there  any  of  these  It  he  poignant  realism  of  this  beautiful  |     ••  Om  -pgs  are  the  talk  of  Bromley. '' 


DBCKMBKH  a7,  19J1.)  ITMU    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


171 


THE    FRESH-AIR    FIEND. 


.\    DF.VH'K    ID    IT.K\K\T    Hi*   xl-iill.lVi:    A    Iir.HHiK-PAKTY    l:v 


IM:    us    II  \\l\«:     Ml.   Till:   WIMNIW-.   nrl:\. 


THE  INFORMATION  BUREAU. 

HE  was  one  of  those  men  who  know 
everything:  I  aui  one  of  those  women 
who  know  nothing.     It  appears  to  lx> 
easy  for  a  man  to  know  everything,  but 
it  is  next  to  impossible  for  a  woman  to 
go  on   knowing  nothing.      Sooner  or 
later  she  will  find  herself  sitting  next; 
to  one  of  the  encyclopaedic,  and  she  i 
will   never   meet   a    man   who   knows 
everything  but  he  will  insist  on  telling  i 
her.     Nature,  however,  has  afforded  me  i 
proiec-tion,  by  giving  me  a  couple  of, 
ears,  so  that  what  cannot  be  prevented 
from  coining  in  at  one  ear  may  make 
an  emergency  exit  of  the  other. 

In  this  instance  it  was  at  breakfast, 
and  there  was  a  honeycomb  on  the 
table.  There  is  no  subject  more  fatal 
to  the  Know-alls  than  bees. 

"  Honey  varies  peculiarly  in  colour," 
said  this  one,  by  way  of  preface.  "  Some 
is  quite  white,  other  almost  black.  I 
wonder  why." 

lie  only  wondered,  because  I  would 
not  do  it  for  him.  I  saw  his  fell  pur- 
pose, and  determined  to  check  it,  if 
possible. 

"  Some  bees  arc  tidy  and  clean,"  I 
said  dogmatically,  "and  other  bees  are 
not." 

Nevertheless  he  came  out  with  all  the 
true  fuels. 

"  Has   it  ever  occurred   to   you   to 


.  wonder,"  he  said  later,  ••  how  the  little  ; 


"  I  never  wonder,"  said  I,  and  there- 
upon he  came  out  with  some  more  of 
the  facts. 

"But,"  I  interrupted,  as  soon  as  I 
got  a  chance,  "  I  am  prepared  to 
wonder  just  ouce,  to  please  you. 
Isn't  it  very  sticky  inside  tiie  cells'.'" 

"  It  is,"  he  informed  me. 

'•  Well,  this  is  what  I  won:ler.  I  low 
do  the  little  fellows,  as  you  call  them, 
having  once  got  inside  to  deposit  the 
honey,  manage  to  get  out  again  '.'  " 

He  took  a  deep  breath,  arranged 
with  precision  his  knives,  forks  and 
plates,  and  slightly  raising  his  voice, 
"I  should  say  .  .  ."  he  began. 

"  Oh,"  I  said  wearily,  "  I  thought 
you  knar.  I  gathered  from  your '  - 

conversation  that  you  had  once  upon  a      ..  Two  >.„„„ ,,.,,,,,,,,  in  ,„„,  ()av  , ]ml,,iml 

time  been  a  bee   yourself.     Pass   the  ami  twnity..'ixl>t  r»u]ile ;  mie  nf  them  knew 

marmalade,  please."  ''"'  f.""1""'  lli"nm<;hly  ami  thiM.lhi  i  -hi>l  -'^'-ti 

He  passed  it  as  one  who  acted  against  :""lls  "'  ll">  f"ul- "--"''-'-"  '• 
his  better  judgment.  "  Clearly,"  he  said,  I  The    man    who     knew    the    ground 
with  the  contempt  of  superior  know-   thoroughly  ought  to  ask  the  other  to 
ledge,  "you  don't  know  how  marmalade  explain  the  "jO-odd  couple  which   \\o:t- 
is  made,  or  you  would  not  eat  it.     1    never  counted  in  the  bag. 
once  happened  to  watch.  .  . 
"  And    that    means,"     I 
"  that   I   have   got   to  hear 
wasps  now." 


m.K.HTKI)    BAYS. 

DICK,  when  you  deigned  to  come  and 

spend 

The  half-term  holiday  with  me, 
You  said  a  thing  that  helped  to  mend 

My  world-worn  self-complacency : 
I  overheard  you  tell  your  pals 

(Thinking  my  study-door  was  shut), 
••  He  's  awfully  decent — I'ncle  Hal's 

A  nut!" 

But  now  1  hear,  these  holidays, 
Upon  your  fickle  lips  a  new 

And  loftier  term,  I  fear,  of  praise : 
You  say  some  fellow  's  treated  \  on 

(Usurping  a  good  uncle's  place) 
To  l'fli-i-  I 'mi,  with  grub  <"l  lilt., 

And  call  him,  to  mv  jealous  face, 

"A  nib!" 


supposed, 
all  about 


POPULAR  PANTOMIMK.   SOSG. — "Has 
anybody  here  seen  Delhi  ?  " 


"Til*  It.'v.  IHfmillt  Owen  .  .  .  dealt  »t 
Iriij-lli  on  the  virtue  of  Kindn»s,  Theft,  .li.y. 
anil  I  lie  various  iitlirr  qualities  necessary  to 
Iniilil  up  rlm.K  (••!.' 

i  '.n-i,,u,t!if,<   \\~r.-l-lti  j;-t*;  I. ,: 

This    bears  out    the    popular    legend 
about  Taffy. 


47-2 


rUNCII,   OR   THE   LONDON   C1IAR1VAHI. 


[DECHMBEB  27,  1911. 


irwrc    KCPT  rr»R   &   <5FA«5ON   DF  XA/OF  I  instead  of  the  cigar.    An  aged  female  relative— a  great-aunt 

JOKES    KEPT  FOR  A  SEASON   OF  WOE.  Q1.   something— found   that   her  parcel   contained   a   neat 

I  HAPPENED  to  mention  to  Dick  Hubberstall  that  I  had  travelling  inkstand  which  shot  out  a  beautifully  a'rticulaled 
nowhere  to  go  to  at  Chris! mas,  \\hereupon  he  instantly  little  skeleton.  For  Dick's  elder  sister  I  had  chosen  what 
invited  me  to  spend  it  with  him  and  his  people  at  the  catalogue  described  as  "  an  elegant  velvet-covered  case, 
Stonecrop  Hall.  From  his  eagerness  to  nail  me,  coupled  which  to  all  appearances  looks  like  a,  jewel-case,  but,  when 
with  his  warning  not  to  expect  a  very  lively  party,  it  was  opened,  goes  off  with  a  bang,  to  the  great  surprise  and 
plain  that  he  was  counting  on  me  to  make  them  cheerier —  '  amusement  of  the  recipient."  It  did  that — but  she  expressed 
and  I  accepted  with  some  misgivings.  Because  I  neither  no  amusement.  Indeed,  she  made  a  rather  unnecessary  fuss, 
dance  nor  sing,  and  do  not  know  any  games  or  ghost  considering  the  Season,  because  it  happened  to  have  'burnt 
stories.  Indeed  I  had  all  but  decided  on  wiring  an  excuse  a  hole  in  her  blouse. 

'at  the  last  moment,  when,  as  luck  would  have  it,  I  came  So,  for  that  matter,  did  Dick's  elderly  Uncle,  a  retired 
across  an  illustrated  catalogue  of  "up-to-date  Christinas  colonel,  who  got  a  match-box  about  which  the  catalogue 
jokes  and  surprises,"  from  which  I  gathered  that,  by  '•  stated  that,  "  when,  all  unsuspectingly,  he  presses  the  knob, 
expending  a  very  few  shillings,  I  might  become  the  life  he  gets  liis  match  in  the  way  of  a  loud  report."  This  came 
'and  soul  of  almost  any  circle.  So,  provided  with  a  '  off  all  right — but  where  the  catalogue  went  wrong  was  in 
selection  of  the  latest  devices,  I  went  down  to  'Stonecrop  '  predicting  that  it  would  be  "  the  source  of  much  laughter." 
on  Christmas  Eve.  That  first  night,  however,  I  hid  my  j  Of  course,  if  people  will  use  inflammable  hair-dye,  it 's  their 


light  under  a  bushel. 
I  was  content  to  be 
thought  even  a  little 
on  the  dull  side,  since 
it  would  render  the 
surprise  I  had  in  store 
for  them  all  the  more 
effective.  When  I  went 
up  to  my  room  I  had  so 
many  parcels  to  do  up 
and  address,  that  it  was 
rather  late  before  I  got 
to  bed,  but  I  was  down 
long  before  anyone  else 
on  Christmas  morning. 
ItT  was  necessary  for 
my  purposes  to  have 
an  interview  with  the 
family  :butler.  In  time 
the  entire  party  were 
assembled  round  the 
breakfast  table,  and  I 
realised  more  strongly 
than  before  that  to 
rouse  such  a  gathering 
to  irrepressible  hilarity 
would  be  a  triumph 
indeed ! 


UnacrupuloinP-iaturtDea.br  (in  New  Yuri:}.  "S-n-ir.     Tins  is  THE  LEFT  EYE 
LEONARDO'S  'MoxxA  LISA.'     You  CAM  HAVE  IT  FOB  FIVE  HUNDRED  DOLLARS." 


own  look-out,  and,  after 
all,  he  was  jolly  lucky 
in  only  losing  hall  of  his 
moustache ! 

I  give  you  my  word 
that  not  a  single  one 
of  these  gifts  raised  so 
much  as  a  smile,  let 
alone  "roars  of 
laughter."  Dick's 
"kiddy"  brother  cer- 
tainly seemed  to  appre- 
ciate his  present  —  a 
little  musical  instru- 
ment called  a  "Rooter," 
; "  the  delight  of  the 
i  boy "  (to  quote  the 
|  catalogue  once  more) 
"  who  can  scare  others 
with  a  terrible  noise 
he  can  make  with  it." 
But  the  poor  little 
fellow  wasn't  allowed 
to  keep  it  long !  I  got 
so  disheartened  that, 
when  his  elder  brother 
— a  precocious  young 
prig  in  his  first  half  at 


The  hall-door  bell  clanged,  and  presently  the  butler:  Eton  —  remarked  (after  turning  the  handle  of  the  "pocket 
entered  with  a  tray  loaded  with  neatly-tied-up  packets.  |  Mutoscope  "  allotted  to  him,  and  discharging  a  large  and 
I  had  instructed  him  to  say  that  an  old  gentleman  in  a  fur  lifelike  serpent),  "  I  say,  what  silly  rotter  has  been  giving 
coat  and  white  beard  had  just  left  them  with  his  love  and  us  all  these  putrid  things?"  I  would  gladly  have  remained 


apologies  for  not  coming  in,  as  his  reindeer  were  a  trifle 
fresh  that  morning. 

Whether  the  fool  of  a  butler  funked  giving  this  message 


or  forgot  it,  I  don't  know,  but  either  way  lie  forfeited  the  !  was  Christmas-time. 


unknown  —  if  they  hadn't  all  guessed.  Where  I  made  my 
mistake  was  in  omitting  to  include  a  gift  to  myself  —  but 
one  can't  think  of  ei-crytliinrj.  I  could  only  murmur  that  it 


half-quid  I  'd  promised  him.  I  kept  as  straight  a  face  as  1 
could  while  the  parcels  were  handed  round,  the  first 
being  opened  by  Dick's  youngest  sister,  aged  five,  whose 
eyes  sparkled  with  delight  on  discovering  a  large  iced 
cake,  on  the  top  of  which  "  A  Happy  Yule  "  was  traced  in 
what  appeared  to  be  pink  sugar.  Her  mother's  decision 
that  it  should  be  reserved  for  nursery  tea  being  coldly 
received,  I  artfully  suggested  that  /  should  like  a  slice  then 
and  there. 

According  to  the  catalogue,  the   Collapsible   Christmas 


I  still  had  something  up  my  sleeve—  a  surprise  which,  if 
anything  could  set  a  Table  like  that  in  a  roar,  could  be 
safely  trusted  to  do  so.  My  hostess,  intending  to  order 
fresh  toast,  touched  the  electric  table-bell  by  her  plate, 
entirely  unaware  that  it  was  so  ingeniously  constructed  as 
to  drench  any  person  who  pressed  it  with  either  water  or 
perfume.  1  had  substituted  this  for  the  original  before 
breakfast  and,  wishing  to  do  the  thing  handsomely,  had 
charged  it  with  scent.  As  I  now  know,  even  the  cheapest 
perfume  contains  a  high  percentage  of  alcohol,  which, 


,  c, 

Cake  is  "  an  immense  joke  "  —  but  somehow  it  fell  decidedly  absorbed  into  the  eye,  may  produce  irritation.     It  certainly 
flat  that  morning.     I  fear  little  Joan  is  naturally  a  greedy  ,  did  on  this  occasion.     I  never  got  my  hot  toast  ! 
child.   Dick  received  a  knife,  the  point  of  which  was  that  the  j      After  breakfast  there  seemed  to  be  so  general  an  im- 
blade  wasn't  made  to  open  ;  his  father,  the  Squire,  a  most  !  pression  that  I  should  prefer  to  have  the  morning  to  myself, 
amusing  patent  cigar-piercer,  which  pricked  your  thumb  j  that,  although  I  should  have  rather  liked  accompanying  the 


'*,  ion.] ruNCir,  on  TIII-:  LONDON 


fair  Guest.   ''Ill:  i1,    11.    YOU 
GUESTS  FOII  inssuiit" 


ALL  .SOUAI.  KANK  AND   I'KECEIIKM'K,  now   no  Yof   MANAGE,    run   IN.MAM  K,    ix   AI:I:ANU:NO 
Prominc  tit  Leader  of  Socialist  Community.   "LET  THE  HUNGRIEST  co  is  nsufT." 


others  to  church,  I  felt  it  would  be  bad  manners  to  persist . 
At  least  by  remaining  indoors  I  gained  freer  access  to  the 
dining-room,  and,  even  assuming  that  the  assortment  of 
realistically  modelled  rubber  insects  (six  varieties)  which  I 
managed  to  introduce  in  the  horse-radish  sauce  and  lemon 
barley-water  failed  to  excite  the  "long  loud  laughter" 
guaranteed  by  the  catalogue,  I  had  every  reason  to  hope  that 
the  Magic  Foot-pad  I  secreted  in  tho  Great-Aunt's  chair,  a 
little  cushion  "  which,  if  pressed,  will  emit  a  nerve-racking 
blood-curdling  yell,"  would  strike  the  true  Christmassy  note. 
I  will  not  refer  to  what  took  place  at  lunch,  except 
by  stating  that  I  was  distinctly  over -sanguine.  But 
even  then  I  would  not  acknowledge  defeat.  For  the 
Christmas  dinner  I  had  furnished  myself  with  "  three 
funny  coloured  comical  fulso  noses,  black,  white,  and 
flesh  -  tinted,"  which,  assumed  in  rotation  between  the 
courses,  I  trusted  would,  if  not  actually  promote  gaiety,  at 
least  provide  subjects  for  conversation.  Whether  this 
hope,  too,  would  have  been  frustrated,  I  shall  never  know, 
because,  from  Dick's  casual  mention  of  a  very  convenient  up- 
tniiii  at  6.37,  I  found  I  wasn't  expected  to  stay  to  dinner. 
I  left  coals  of  lire  behind  me  in  the  form  of  a  splendidly 
imitated  Yule  log,  fitted  with  best  selected  squibs  and 
crackers,  which  I  deposited  in  the  drawing-room  wood- 
basket.  But  I  never  had  so  much  as  a  line  to  thank  me  for 
it !  I  'm  afraid  the  Hubberstalls,  though  worthy  and 
excellent  people  in  their  way,  lack  what  /  always  maintain 
is  the  one  tiling  that  makes  existence  endurable — a  sense  of 
humour.  '  F.  A. 


GLADYS'S  AUTOGRAPH  ALBUM. 

] '.-i  i  ii INC. s  and  pastels,  maxims  from  the  sages, 

Lyrics  that  warm  the  cockles  of  my  heart, 
Are  shrined  within  the  album's  tinted  pages, 
All  gems  of  potted  art. 

"  Flo  "  paints  an  artificial  arum  lily 

("  Gather  ye  rosebuds  "  are  the  words  beneath), 
And,  overleaf,  I  find—"  With  love  from  Willie  " — 
Sprigs  of  anamiic  heath. 

"  Maud's  "  "  Venus  Rising  from  the  Ocean's  Vapour  " 

Is  classic  in  severity  of  line, 
But  carping  critics  hint  that  carbon  paper 
Assisted  the  design. 

I  know  that  "Hilda's"  sketch,  "A  Street  in  Tunis," 

Was  started  at  Tho  Myrtles,  Clapham  Grove, 
And  signed  within  tho  confines  of  the  munic- 
ipality of  Hove. 

"Sid  Smith's"  long  poem,  "To  a  Haunted  Mansion," 

And  "  Amy's  "  effort,  "  On  a  Bunch  of  Thyme," 
Show  signs  of  their  supreme  contempt  for  scansion, 
But  very  often  rhyme. 

Here,  too,  a  sonnet  opens  (may  I  quote  it  ?) — 
"  When  Time  shall  tinge  these  raven  locks  with 

snow"; 

And  Time  has  tinged  'em,  Gladys,  since  I  wrote  it 
Some  twenty  years  ago. 


474 


PUNCH,    Oil   Till';    LONDON    CMAKIV.MII. 


j  DKCKMHKB 


1'JIL 


STRAIN    OF    AL-FRESCO 
ACTING 

"  Of  course  I  do.     It  is  sheer  lonely 
personality  and  individuality  that  tell 

r\  ^/    1    1  l*\_<t* 

TALK  WITH  MH.  ARTHUR  BOUNCER. 
(By  our  Unscrupulous  Reporter.) 

most     with    the     ul-  fresco     audience. 
Lonely  because  the  actor  is  concealed 
behind  the  curtain  and  cannot  see  the 

PURSUING   Mr.    A.    Bouncer   to   the 

effect  that  he  is  making  on  his  audience. 

interior  of  the  charming  little  theatrette 

He  can  hear  it  and  sometimes  lie  can 

where  lie  was  passionately  rehearsing 

feel  it." 

the   astounding    sketch    which    he   is 

"  I    suppose    you    mean    in     floral 

about  to  produce  to-day,  I  asked  him 

V 

tributes  '.'  " 

where,  in  his  opinion,  exuberance  told 

"Yes;    hut   the   curtain    breaks  the 

most  —  on  the  variety  stage  or  in  the 

force  of  the  impact   somewhat.     For, 

al-  fresco  drama. 

mind  you,  a  Punch  and  Judy  audience 

Without  removing  the  bird-call  from 

is    more    honielv   than  a  stiff  theatre 

his    mouth    the   gifted   actor   at    once  !  audience.     People  brinjr  their  refresh- 

replied  in  a  high  falsetto  on  the  fourth 

ments    with    them  —  bottled     porter. 

bdger   line,    "Here,    of   course.      The  i  cucumbers.      tomatoes      and     'baked 

variety  stage  has  too  long  suffered  from  (potatoes.     That    is    what  makes  this 

the  banefully  repressive  influence  of  the   form  of  entertainment  a  microcosm  of 

legitimate  drama     tlr;  theory  01  reserve  !  life.      But   what   is  so  tremendous   in 

force.     In  the  Punch  and  Judy  show,   the  Punch  and  Judy  show  is  the  fact 

per  contra,  a  man  must  exuberate  or  lie   that   the   individual    performer's    per- 

show.      Here  lie  lias,  as  it  were,  to  cut 
his  part  out  of  a  piece  of  agate  with  a 


is  lost.  The  open-air  audience  is  the  !  SOnality  is  always  confronted  by  the 
supreme  test  of  a  man's  vitality  and '  personality  of  the  audience.  You 
resiliency.  An  actor  in  the  theatre  can  '  remember  what  Mr.  BOUHCHJEB  said 
muddle  through  a  play  without  being ;  al)out  it  in  The  Chronicle  to  dear  old 
found  out.  But  there  is  no  room  for  j  RAYMOND  BLATHWAYT  '?  " 
mediocrity  in  the  Punch  and  Judy  •<  No,  I  am  afraid  I  don't." 

"  Well  then,  listen  to  it  attentively, 
for  it  is  one  of  the  most  poignant  and 

glittering  diamond.  It  must  be  cut  as  compelling  passages  in  modern  prose, 
clear  and  sharp  as  the  Pyramids  cut  j  •  It  is  an  awful  thing— that  giant  per- 
themselves  against  ALEXANDER'S  crim- !  SOnality  of  the  audience.  A  man  steps 
son  Egyptian  skies."  •  before-  the  footlights  with  his  own 

I_  suppose  you  mean   ALEXANDER  pool.  weak  personality,  and  there  before 
THE  GREAT  ?  [)im  js  this  giant,  made  up  of  men  and 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Bouncer  with  a  I  women,  young  and  old,  rich  and  poor, 
stentorian  shriek,  "  the  great  actor-  cultivated  and  ignorant,  and  he  lias 
manager.  But  even  lie,  with  all  his  to  get  ]loic]  Of  that  personality  and 
gifts,  is  not  exuberant  enough  for  the  [dominate  and  reconcile  it  with  his  own. 
roleol  the  cosmic  villain,  Punch.  For  |  It  is  no  chimera  of  the  imagination, 
it  is  not  given  to  everyone  to  realize  !  this  that  I  am  telling  you.  It  is  real,  it 
the  elemental  passion  of  Punch's  world-  js  true,  it  is  life  itself!'  That  goes  to 


squeal." 

"  I  suppose  it  is  rather  severe  on  the 
lungs  V  " 

"  Tremendous.  I  have  studiedlaryn- 
gology,  so  I  know  what  I  am  talking 
about.  But  it  is  worth  the  effort. 


the  rootitoo  of  the  matter,  doesn't 
it  ?  " 

"  It  does.  I  wonder  how  he  gets  it 
off  his  chest  like  that." 

"  Personality  again.  Or  rather  the 
clash  of  two  giant  personalities- 


Think  of  the  human  voice  reinforced  by   BOURCHIER'S  and   BLATHWAYT'S  —  re- 


the  timbre  of  the  cockatoo,  the  peacock, ' 
and  the  piccolo  !  '  Eternal  passion, 
eternal  pain,'  as  MATTHEW  ARNOLD 
says." 

"  Are  the  audiences  more  apprecia- 
tive than  the  ordinary  theatre  audi- 
ence '.' " 

"  Rather !    You  see  they  don't  pay 
in  advance  ;  they  pay  if  and  when  they  i 
feel  inclined  to.     And  their  payment  is  ; 
monumental  in  its  bulk,  being  mostly 

says.     And    that   reminds  me  what  a ', 
stand-by  HORACE  is  to  the  actor!    Give 
me   HORACE,  a  bird-call  and   Punch's  | 
baton  and  I  will  face  all  the  buffets 


suiting  in  an  epoch-shaking  explosion. 
All  the  same,  Punch  and  Judy  is  the 
greatest  thing  in  drama.  It  contains 
all  the  eternal  verities,  and  you  are 
trying  it  on  the  dog  all  the  time." 


under 


TAII.DIIS, 
iiid    with 


,         ,   .      .«..,•» 

r  (supplying  the  butter)  : 

*>  e'   Slr'  a.,ilne  ll«ure  llke 
for  Sood  tailoring. 


entirely    new 
"ji'iidon 


-<r 
You 


Tll<;    Dail!/    Xclcs 
of  \  UEOBGE  :- 


on 


outrageous  fortune  with  equanimity." 

"Do  you  think  exuberance  is  identical  S"»M  tllat  '"'  llas  learned  from  BttU  Me 
with  personality  ?  ''  i  Is  "  lucky  "  quite  the  word  ? 


"  If  you  are  lucky,   lie  will  give  you  a  nigger 

an. 


THE  PETALS. 
-•J  Memory  of  Summer. 
YOURSELF  in  bed 
(My  lovely  Drowsy-head) 
Your  garments  lie  like  petals  shed 

Upon  the  floor 

Whose  carpet  is  strewn  o'er 

With  little  things  that  late  you  wore. 

For  (lie  morrow's  wear 

I  fold  them  neat  and  fair 

And  lay  them  on  the  nurs'ry  chair  : 

And  round  them  lie 

Airs  of  the  hours  that  die 

With  all  their  stored-up  fragrancy. 

As  a  flower  might 

Give  out  to  the  cool  night 

The  warmth  it  drank  in  day-long  ligiji, 

So  wool  and  lawn 

From  your  soft  skin  withdrawn 

(Whereon  they  were  assumed  at  dawn) 

Breathe  the  spent  mood, 

Lost  act  and  attitude, 

Of  the  small  sweetness  they  endued. 

Ere  all  turn  cold 

No  garment  that  I  hold 

13ut  shakes  a  vision  from  its  fold 

Of  little  fest, 

That  vainly  would  be  fleet, 

Tangled  about  with  meadow-sweet, 

And  of  l)3nt  knees 

When  Betsey,  kneeling,  sees, 

In  the  parched  hedge-row,  strawberries. 

Such  things  I  see 

Folding  your  clothes,  which  he 

Weeds  of  the  dead  day's  comedy, 

The  while  I  pray 

Your  part  may  be  alway 

So  simple  and  so  good  to  play, 

And  do  desire 

Your  life  may  still  respire 

Such  sweetness  as  your  cast  attire. 


"  (Some  of  tin1  mottoes  ami  inscriptions  need 
elucidation  at  times  for  the  benefit  of  every- 
body. The  initials  <!.  R.  and  M.  B.,  for 
instance,  might  mean  many  tilings  well  as 
(ieorge  Rex  ami  Mary  Rex,  and  soon." — Ailcu- 

I'lttf  I  if  I, III  ill, 

M.  E.,  for  instance,  might  mean  Mid- 
land Railway,  and  G.  E.  might  mean 
George  Regina. 


"Our  n-aili  rs  may  remember  tliul  Tl,' 
x/i'-iiiiiii'  suggested  that  the  Powers  should 
say  to  King  Leopold.  &c. ,  &e. 

Unfortunately  this  suggestion,  tlnuigli  sn 
plainly  made,  did  not  call  forth  any  respohs,- 
in  (iermany. " — .s//<v/.//<;/-. 

But  don't  let's  be  too  hard  on  Ger- 
many. Perhaps  it  didn't  appreciate 
the  true  position  of  The  Spectator. 


DKCKMMKU  '27,   I'.tll.i 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHAKIVAKI 


17:. 


TASTING   BLOOD. 

1  Ari'KOA<  m:i>  (lie  pessimist  with 
tin;  slighth  sell'-eonseious  air  <>l  DIM 
who  anticipates  a  greeting  eltusive, 
even  overwhelming. 

The  pessimist  regarded  me  with  a 
soinbre  rye. 

"Awfully  glad,  old  chap,"  1  began, 
"  that  I  was  able  to  give  you  the 
straight  lip  about  those  'ftaiabow 
Mines.'  " 

"  Why'.'"  inquired  the  pessimist. 

1  shook  my  head,  intending  to  con- 
vey the  melancholy  experienced  by 
one  whose  infallible  advice  has  been 
ignored. 

"  So  you  didn't  buy  any,  then  ?  '* 

"  I  bought  live  hundred,"  returned 
the  pessimist  without  enthusiasm. 

"  By  Jove  !  Then  you've  made  a 
clear  thousand!  Splendid!"  ]  tried 
l.o  look  as  if  I  were  not  his  benefactor. 

"  Made  a  clear  thousand  ?"  repeated 
the  pessimist  drearily  ;  "  what  an  ex- 
traordinary idea !  l)o  you  seriously 
lirlieve  that  anyone  has  ever  >nn<l<: 
money  without  sweating  for  it '!  " 

"  I  shan't  give  you  a  good  tip  again," 
I  said,  aggrieved. 

"  Thanks,"  said  the  pessimist  with 
some  feeling. 

"  Most  people  would  be  glad  enough 
to  get  a  thousand  pounds  for  nothing," 
I  added. 

"Get  it — yes;  but  who  can?  The 
great  charm  of  unearned  money  is  its 
elusiveness.  It  is  like  a  beautiful 
woman  ;  you  can  never  know  that  it 
is  really  yours — it  never  is.  if  you 
have  stolen  it  the  great  bony  hand 
of  the  law  reaches  out  blunderingly, 
clumsily,  yet  surely,  till  it  wrests  the 
treasure  from  you.  If  you  have  made 
it  on  the  Stock  Exchange,  the  race- 
course or  the  roulette  table,  no  bank  is 
strong  enough  to  hold  it,  no  army  I 
strong  enough  to  guard  it." 

"  Have  a  cigarette,  old  man  ? "  I 
said  soothingly. 

He  ignored  me.  "  Back,  back,  back 
it  must  go  to  the  earth  or  the  turf  or 
the  green  cloth  that  conceived  it," 
intoned  the  pessimist.  "No  man  c;,n 
ever  say  that  he  has  made  money  by 
gambling:  it  is  not  his,  it  belongs  to 
the  great  god  of  Chance  who  is  jealous 
of  his  own." 

"  Look  here,"  i  interrupted,  "  if  you 
put  your  thousand  into  Consols  it  will 
be  yours  all  right." 

"  Never,"  returned  the  pessimist  pas- 
sionately. "Who  can  rob  me  of  the 
knowledge  that  the  money  is  still  the 
child  of  chance,  inheritor  of  all  that 
such  parentage  implies?  How  can  I 
elude  the  fact  that  it  is  crying  aloud 
to  go  back  to  its  true  environment? 
What  man  can  resist  that  cry?  " 


THE    PENALTY   OF   GREATNESS. 

if  (lit  i'-/u'.i/>i'i'  —  Ute  touiiHtKnUiniiii'i'  liitclinj  f:it/i  auir 
•Now  now  >in  u  ]>')  YIII:  TIIIXK,  MY  UKAU  ?" 

S,,;-,iil  lll,l  l.inlii.    "Oil.    -MY    KK.\R!     HK'<   /MR   AII«i\K   A    TIP." 


•'«//,.*'  .- 


"  1  know  a  man,"  I  said,  "  who  made 
lifty  pounds  and  handed  it  straight 
over  to  his  wife." 

'•  Afterwards,"  said  the  pessimist 
with  concentrated  melancholy,  "he 
persuaded  her  to  put  it  all  into  'a 
good  thing,'  and  lo !  it  was  gone!  " 

"  Well,  that 's  curious,"  said  I.  "  I 
had  no  idea  that  you  knew  the  Robin- 
sons." 

"  I  don't,"  returned  the  pessimist. 

"  You  guessed'.' " 

The  pessimist  shrugged  his  shoulders. 
"  You  may  call  it  guessing,"  lie  re- 
Uirned  with  gloomy  significance. 

"  Well  then,  there  's  another  man,"  1 
urged,  "  who,  to  my  certain  knowledge, 
made  fifty  thousand  in  rubber." 

"Is  he  dead?  "asked  the  pessimist 
with  a  gleam  of  interest. 

"Of  course  not." 

'•  No  one  has  ever  made  money  by 
gambling  until  he  is  dead,"  replied 
the  pessimist  drearily,  "  and  then,  by 


i  the  law  of  (iod  and  man,  he  has  lost 
it." 

His  voice  sank  to  a  murmur  and  bis 
sombre  contemplative  eyes  rested  on 
me.  "  What  are  you  doing  with  your 
•  Rainbow  '  shares  ?  ''  he  asked. 

"  Ob,  I '.'  I  've  taken  my  profit,  and 
I  'm  just  looking  round  for  something 
safe  to  put  it  into."  I  tried  to  keep 
out  of  my  voice  the  sense  of  triumph 
and  virtue  that  I  experienced. 

The  pessimist  nodded,  silent  and 
thoughtful.  "  Ix?t  us  walk  on  to- 
gether," he  said.  "  Where  are  you 
Ixnmd  ? '' 

"I  was  going  to  look  in  at  COOK'S 
otlice,"  I  said.  "  My  wife  and  1 
thought  of  taking  a  little  trip  this 
winter  to  Mont — er — to  the  South  of 
France." 

The  pessimist's  reply,  which  termi- 
nated our  conversation,  was  so  utterly 
inconsequent  that  it  need  not  be  re- 
corded. 


470 


PUNCH,    OK    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [DECEMBER  27,  1911. 


Irale  Owner.  "Now  THEX,  WHAT  THE AI:E  THOSE  BEATEKS  DOIN'  IIASGIX'  EVCK  ox  THE  ISIGIIT!   KEEP  THE USB    CAN'T 

YOU?    WHAT  ix  THE 'NAME  OF  . DO' YOU  SUITOSE  YOU 'I:E  HERE  rouj    No  MOBE  .  USE  TUAX  A  LOT  OF  HEDGEHOGS  1 " 

Keeper  (to  leatei-s).  "TiiE  GEXEHAL  SAYS,  IIUKP.Y  UP  THERE."    - 


MR.  COX. 

THERE  is  a  pious  name,  all  unrecorded 

By  the  biographers  of  this  proud  isle,   • 
A  soul  whose  poignant  gifts  were  not  rewarded 

By  popular  applause  or  noble'  style, 
Yet,  'mongst  the  lords  of  Science  and  Invention, 

Oh,  more  enduring  than  the  basic  rocks 
Should  be  the.  fame  of  him  I  'm  proud  to  mention, 

The  unassuming  genius,  Mr.'Cox. 

He  lived  unknown,  as  far  as  one  can  gather ; 

We  know  him  only  by  his  labour's  fruits; 
Who  's  Who  did  not  expend  a  lot  of  blather 

Upon  his  wife,  his  clubs  and  his  pursuits; 
This,  to  one  smaller,  might  have  been  depressing, 

Not  so  to  him  ;  alone  he  chose  to  live, 
Triumphed  alone,  and  won  that  tardy  blessing 

Which  it  is  now  my  privilege  to  give. 

We  may  not  learn  what  patience  he  expended 

On  the  life-labours  that  enrich  us  now, 
How  greatly  he  contrived,  how  much  amended, 

What  pensive  weight  oppressed  that  kingly  brow. 
Beauty  he  added  to  internal  sweetness ; 

Colour  with  form  he  tenderly  conjoined  ; 
And,  having  wrought  the  whole  to  full  completeness 

Probably  found  the  profits  were  purloined. 

For  did  hs  win  to  wealth  ?     I  gravely  doubt  it. 

I  trow  he  had  no  patent  for  his  wares. 
Those  were  around  who  made  no  bones  about  it 

But  filched  his  secret,  and  the  gain  was  theirs. 


They  learned  his  lore ;  they  packed  in  crates  and  boxes 
His  golden  spoil,  to  swell  their  ill- won  gains; 

One  thing  alone  he  had — the  name  of  "Cox's  " 
Clung  like  a  label,  and  to-day  remains. 

And  now,  When  all  old  bonds  are  being  broken, 

Sweet  Cox,  in  thee  we  find  a  common  tie. 
Our  systems  quarrel ;  angry  words  are  spoken; 

Mean  politics  have  set  the  land  awry  ; 
Wealth  is  at  war  with  envy,  church  with  chapel ; 
But  this  one  touch  of  kinship  heals  our  ranks— 
.    That  every  true-born  Briton  loves  an  apple, 

And,  for  his  "Cox's  Orange,"  gives  thee  thanks. 

Di'M-Duii. 

"After  killing  a  foxhound  in  Hampton  Moss,  hounjs  failcl  to 
account  for  a  good  traveller  ousted  from  Mae.slen,  and  lost  at  liirklcy, 
with-  Cholmondeley  as  his  point.  Morgan  then  took  hounds  to  the 
Wyehcs,  and  in  that  trappy  country  a  ripping  fox  was  pushed  out  from 
the  CaeDac  cover,  which  gave  hounds  plenty  to  do  as  he  Happed  around 
the  surrounding  covers  before  taking  a  line  for  Is:oed.  Reaching 
there  a  desperately,  hard-fought  fight  ensued  right  away  to  within  a 
mile  of  Fenn's  Bank  Station,  where  hounds  snallled  hi.n  in  the  back- 
yard of  a  cottage  after  a  spanking  run  of  some  sixty  minutes." 

In  his  spare  time  (when  he  is  not  killing  foxhounds) 
the  writer  should  try  his  hand  at  a  translation  of  the 
Iliad.  It  would  give  more  scope  for  the  exercise  of  his 
special  gift. 

"But  the  particular  ball  which  bowled  Woolley  very  likelv  pitched 
just  outside  his  leg  stump,  and  \Voolley,  thinking  tliat  the"  ball  was 
going  to  break,  pats  his  legs. " — Ercninrj  A'cira. 

If  WOOLLEY  doesthis  every  time  lie  thinks  the  ball  is  going 
to  break,  it  is  a  mannerism  of  which  he  would  be  very  well  rid. 


1TXCH.   OH  TIIH   IX)NDON   CHARIVARI. -1>K<  -BUBKR  27,  i:i|  1. 


EXIT   ANNUS   MI1UBILIS. 


SUCCKSTKD    >vi\TEii  SPORTS  FOR  I'OLITICIAXS. 

MH.  LLOYD  GEOUUE  GOES  our  BoB-stEicHisa  (AS  HE  FACF.TIOCSI.Y  PUTS  IT.) 
[Lord  ROBERT  CECIL,  however,  30  far  from  being  slain  by  the  impact,  makes  a  good  recovery.] 


COCK  ROBIN. 

O  ROHIN  of  rny  early  youth  ! 
My  Christmas-cardy  hero, 
The  saintliest  of  birds,  in  sooth, 

Whose  faults  were  fixed  at  zero ; 
And  gentle  mate,  methooght,  of  "Jenny 

Wren," — 

I  deemed  you  loved  by  all  good  birds 
and  men. 

For  was  not  yours  the  pious  bill 
That    strove,   with   leaves,   to 

cherish 
Those  "  Babes "  the   villains   dared 

not  kill, 

So  left  alone  to  perish  ? 
How   then,   I   thought,  could   even   a 

rascal  sparrow 

Brag  he  had  biffed  you  with  his  bow 
and  arrow  ? 

Ar.d   then   your   song :    how   sad   a 

thing  ! 

.  It  set  my  bosom  aching, 
It  seemed  to  have  the  hopeless  ring 
That  told  a  heart  nigh  breaking ; 


I  always  felt  there  lurked  within  your 

In-east 
Some     deathless    grief,    despite    that 

fancy  vest. 

Bird    of    those    bygone    days    and 

books, 

And  of  my  nursery  legends, 
Now  that  niy  study-window  looks 
Close  where    the    meadow-hedge 

ends, 
I  watch  your  tactics,  Robert,  day  by 

day, 

\nd  know  the  broken  heart  is  not  your 
"lay." 

I  heir  you  heave  the  old  vocal  sigh, 
Then  some  chap  wails  an  answer ; 
Next,  it  would  seem,  you  send  reply 

As  wistful  as  you  can,  Sir; 
Till    suddenly    you    close    in    furious 

light— 

You  were  just   slanging  him  with  all 
your  might ! 

Or,  do  I  cast  the  morning  crumb, 
You  're  first  to  thrust  your  nob  in, 


who 


And     finches,     sparrows,    all 

come — 

Beware  my  saintly  robin ! 
Those  Chippendaly  legs  may  not  b3 

stout, 

But,  my  word,  Ro1>ert,  they  can  barge 
about ! 

So  when  you  sit  now,  as  of  yore, 
Perched  on  my  garden  paling. 
Sad  eyed,  pathetic,  and  onco  moio 
Like  "  Dismal  Jimmy,"  wailing, 
I  understand  that  spadger  long  ago, 
And  why  he  upped  at  last  and  grablx*! 
his  bow. 


"The  ascent  l<eyond  the  Lelek  theu  Ix-jfaii 
until  a  razor-burked  rurk  was  reached  after 
whii-h  one  of  the  steepest  descent*  1  h.iv  MW 
made  was  undertaken.  Those  unskilled  in  lull 
.•limt'inn  had  resort  to  the  use  of  hands  and 
legs. " — Knccii 

Noi-icc  (to  expert  coming  tlotcn  on  his 
Jifod)  :  It  'a  no  good— the  back  of  my 
neck  is  worn  out.  I  shall  have  to  use 
my  legs  after  all. 


480 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [DKCEMBEB  27,  1911. 


Tlie  Grey  Lady.  "ODDS  BOPDIKIXS,  Sir.  UOIITKED,  DID  NOT  your.  MOATED  GRANGE  STAND  HEIIE?" 

The  Spectre  Kui\       "iY  MY  HAT.IDOM,  YES;    BUT  A  MILLIONAIRE'S  BOUGHT  IT  AND  SHIPPED  IT  TO  AMERICA." 

The  Grey  Lady.      U  UY  DIDST  NOT  GO  WITH  IT?"  The  Spectre  Kniyht.  "  IN  SOOTH,  I'M  SUCH  A  BAD  SAII.OP.." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Pnnc^  .  Staff  of  Learned  Clerics.) 

IF  it  is  excitement  you  are  after,  you  will  find  what  you 
want  and  more  also  in  Mr.  ARTHUR  APPLIN'S  latest,  most 
appropriately  entitled  No  Limit  (P.  V.  WHITE).  Here 
are  horsewhips,  cigars,  champagne,  poisonous  drugs, 
any  amount  of  racehorses  and  love,  and  every  modern 
convenience  of  melodrama.  Paul  Vcnables  is  the  musical 
comedy  king,  and  holds  all  the  money  ;  Robert  is  the 
incomparable  manservant  and  blackguard,  who  executes 
infallibly  all  the  eavesdropping;  Marie  O'Mallcy  is  the 
spotless  heroine  who  undergoes  all  the  misunderstanding, 
and  Jim  Smith  is  the  disreputable  husband,  inopportunely 
appearing  and  reluctantly  dying,  who  does  most  of  the 
drinking.  Maria  has  only  to  appear  on  the  boards  of  the 
Ingenue  Theatre  to  take  all  London  by  storm  ;  she  has  only 
to  appear  in  this  book  to  become  at  once  the  victim  of  all 
its  perverse  circumstances  and  complications,  the  object  of 
all  the  naughty  machinations  of  its  people.  It  is  true  that 
these  last  refer  to  attempted  murders,  forgeries,  abductions, 
turf  swindles,  and  bogus  funerals  as  "  their  little  games," 
but  that  is  only  their  modesty.  It  is  true  also  that  in  the 
earlier  stages  they  "  reply  affirmatively  with  a  mono- 
syllable "  where  the  ordinary  business  man  would  merely 
have  said  "  Yes,"  but  that  is  before  they  have  got  into 
their  stride.  Things  are  soon  speeded  up,  and  the  move- 
ment, when  it  begins,  continues  to  the  end  in  a  breathless 
crescendo.  What  regard  one  has  for  this  sort  of  thing 
must  necessarily  be  sneaking,  but  few  will  start  reading  it 
and  retire  before  the  finish.  For  me,  who  saw  it  through 
at  one  sitting,  the  least  that  I  can  say  in  common  fairness 
is,  that  it  is  not  so  bad. 


The  Island  of  Enchantment — so 

The  thirteen  charming  tales  are  named 
Which  Mr.  FOPMAN,  having  framed, 

Dispatches  (per  WARD,  LOCK  AND  Co.). 

Old  robber  knights  and  modern  kings—- 
We find  their  doings  all  displayed — 
The  fights  they  fought,  the  loves  they  made, 

And  other  fascinating  things. 

Pure  fiction  all,  but  fiction  such 

As  glows  with  life,  so  true  it  seems, 
So  deftly  Mr.  FORMAN  schemes, 

So  firm  yet  delicate  his  touch. 

From  an  interview  in  The  Liverpool  Daily  Post  with  an 
S.P.C.A.  official:— 

"  Besides  torturing  or  terrorising  an  animal,  does  it  not  now  become 
an  offence  to  infuriate  it '( 

Yes  ;  the  Act  forbids  the  infuriation  of  any  animal. 

Is  not  'animal'  a  word  of  wide  interpretation  under  the  Act  ? 

Indeed  it  is  ;  '  animal '  includes  any  domestic  animal,  of  whatsoever 
kind  or  species,  not  merely  quadrupeds,  but  birds,  fishes,  or  reptiles, 
which  are  either  'domestic  animals,'  or  in  captivity,  or  whk-h  are  by 
any  means  hindered  from  escaping." 

In  most  country  houses  now  you  will  see  a  notice  in  the 


water-garden : 


1  Please  do  not  infuriate  the  goldfish." 


Answers  to  Correspondents. 

"  UNEMPLOYED."  It  is  difficult  to  advise  you  in  the 
choice  of  a  metier,  but  we  believe  that,  since  the 
passing  of  the  Workmen's  Compensation  Act,  Professors 
of  Neurasthenia  have  been  making  a  lucrative  tiling  of  it. 

"  GALLANT  LITTLE  WALES."  No  ;  the  Welsh  Disenclow- 
ment  Bill  will  not  affect  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S  salary. 


KMM:U  L'7, 


rrvir.  uii  TIII-:  LONDON  CIIAIMVAUI. 


1-1 


IN  a  vast  building  ('so  old  that  its  walls  were  grumbling  to  pieces)  were  gathered  together  a  number  of  persons  in 
the  throes  of  bad  temper  and  dismay.  They  were  typical  English  men  and  English  women,  all  as  gloomy  as 
deans,  whose  one  bond  was  that  they  hated  the  Insurance  Bill ;  and  they  were  met  in  the  Hall  of  Discontent  (for  sucli 
it  was)  to  protest  against  it. 

All  of  them,  it  must  be  understood,  approved  of  national  insurance,  and  thought  there  was  nothing  better  than 
that  provision  should  1)6  made  by  the  State  for  the  sick  and  infirm,  and  that  some  burden  of  personal  obligation 
should  fall  upon  the  participants  in  such  a  scheme,  and  upon  their  employers;  but  all  were  agreed  that  nothing 
could  be  more  inept  than  the  actual  scheme  which  bad  been  devised.  Being  thus  agreed,  they  had  assembled  in  this 
famous  and  much  over-worked  building  in  the  best  of  bad  tempers  and  were  exchanging  their  grievances  with 
every  variety  of  animation  tinged  with  fury  and  disgust. 

Hero  were  doctors  who  saw  their  time  so  occupied  in  attending  to  the  poor  at  a  ruinous  rate  of  pay  that  they 
would  have  no  leisure  to  make  both  ends  meet  by  securing  adequate  remuneration  from  the  rich.  Here  were  butlers 
who  had  each  been  for  many  years  with  some  wealthy  family,  and,  having  themselves  had  every  attention  during  that 
service  whenever  they  were  ill,  were  wholly  unable  to  see  why  any  servant  should  be  so  suspicious  of  his  employer  as 
to  wish  for  any  other  guarantee  against  illness  or  old  age  than  that  employer's  affluence  or  good  nature.  Here  were 
servant-girls  whose  one  thought  was  the  privation  that  would  l>e  caused  to  them  by  forfeiting  threepence  a  week 
when  in  good  health  for  any  benefits  that  might  accrue  in  the  extremely  problematical  contingency  of  their  being  ill. 
Here  were  mistresses  whoso  tongues  clicked  and  ached  in  anticipation  of  the  tedium  and  weariness  of  licking  two  or 
three  stamps  a  week,  and  who  keenly  resented  the  notion  of  any  State  control  of  their  domestic  affairs. 

Here,  too,  were  Members   of    Parliament,   worn   out   with   the   exacting  task    of    supporting   the  Bill  at_  the 


i-ably   undermined    by    „ 

whose  arms  were  suffering  from  writer's  cramp  induced  by  signing  petitions  against  the  Bill. 

Such  were  some  of   the  numerous  company  assembled  in   the   Hall   of  Discontent,  all   brought   thither 
the  enormities  of  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THI:  EXCHEQUER.     But  as  a  matter  of   fact,  although  their  objections  i< 
Bill  were  certainly  as  stated,  these  were  by  no  means  all.     That  there  was  an  Insurance  Bill  at  all  was,  il 
great  offence;  but  as  all  men,  save  Mr.  BKBSAUD  SHAW,  are  illogical  animals,  there,  was  -till  an  even  deeper  cai 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[DlOCKMBKK    '27,    1911. 


complaint  in  the  fact  that,  since  it  called  itself  a  National  Insurance  Bill,  it  did  not  complete  the  programme  and 
insure  the  nation  against  everything,  and,  in  particular,  against  discontent. 

"  For  after  all,"  as  one  of  the  more  brainy  of  the  company  said  —  probably  a  member  of  the  staff  of  Tltc  l>aily 
Mail,  which  had  gone  further  than  the  other  enemies  of  the  Bill  by  collecting  money  to  fight  it  —  "for  after  all  there 
is  sickness  of  the  mind  as  well  as  sickness  of  tlie  body,  and  why  doesn't  the  CHANCELLOR,  if  he  is  so  jolly  clever 
and  embracive  and  benevolent,  protect  us  also  from  that  ?  " 

"Exactly,"  replied  another';'  "  if  it  did  that  I  would  support  it  —  as  I  have  always  supported  the  spirit  at  the 
back  of  it." 

'Of  course,"  said  a  third  ;  "  what  I  want  is  provision  against  low  spirits." 

'  Depression,"  said  a  fourth. 

'  That  tired  feeling,"  said  a  -fifth. 

'  Want  of  interest  in  life,"  said  a  sixth.' 

'  Joylessness,"  said  a  seventh.''- 

'Pessimism  in  the  pulpit,"  said  an  eighth. 

'  Melancholia  from  loss  of  form  at  golf,",  said  a  ninth. 

'  Grief  at  the  departure  of  the  Russian  dancers,"  said  a  tenth. 

How  much  longer  this  dismal  chorus  would  have  continued  cannot  be  said,  for  at  that  moment  the  door 
opened,  and  through  the  Hall  of  ..Discontent  ran  a  quickening  impulse  as  though  sunshine  bad  burst  through  a 
bank  of  clouds.  Everyone  looked  tip  to  see  who  bad  brought  about  this  change,  and  behold  there  was  Mr.  Punch 
with  his  face  irradiated  by  smiles,  and  beside  him  his  faithful  Toby,  harnessed  to  a  toy  waggon  which  bore  a  con- 
siderable load.  , 

"  Good  day  to  you  all,"  said  the  genial  new-comer  ;  "  I  am  here,  I  fancy,  just  in  time,  judging  by  the  remarks  I 
caught  as  I  was  entering.  So  you  want,"  said  he,  "  not  less  insurance,  but  more.  You  can  tolerate  being  looked  after 
when  you  are  ill,  only  if  you  are  also  looked  after  when  you  are  in  the  dumps  ?  Well,  it  is  perfectly  simple.  Mr.  LLOYD 
GEORGE  did  not  put  it  in  his  Bill  because  he  left  the  matter  to  me.  '  I  '11  see  to  the  sickness  of  the  body,'  he  said,  '  if 
you,  Mr.  Punch,  will  see  to  the  sickness  of  the  mind.'  And  we  struck  the  bargain.  He  has  given  you  his  half,  and 
you  don't  like  it.  Now  take  mine,"  and  so  saying  he  turned  to  Toby's  waggon  and  lifted  from  it  its  burden. 

"You  ask,"  he  went  on,  "for  insurance  against  melancholy.  1  have  it  here  in  the  mass.  You  can  also 
have  it  in  weekly  instalments.  It  is  not  free  ;  the  deadly  threepence  again  makes  his  horrid  appearance  ;  but  it  is 
worth  its  weight  in  gold.  Allow  me,  as  a  sample  of  the  boon,  to  offer  you  my 


mttr     ar 


Dolume; 


Di  I  i  USED   -27,    MH1. 


PUNCH,   <u;   TIIK    LONIHIN   CHABIYARL 


Cartoons. 


BEKXAUD. 

Capture  of  Windsor  Castle  (The)  . . 

Casahifuica  . 

Champion  ofa  Lost  Cause 

Knd  of  the  Day  (The)  

Euphemisms  of  Massacre  (The)  .. 

K<it .  AnniiM  Mirubilis  

"Heathen  Chine*  Is  Peculiar" 

(The) 

Hing-Kmperor  (The) 

Left  Sitting 

New  Diplomacy  (The) . . 

OldTro5u(Tto)  

Pen  is  Handier  than  the  Sword 

(The; 


A'l.WKKTT,  T. 

Mili  tar}'  Intelligence  .............. 

S.-rviec  Intelligence  .............. 

Too  Young  at  32    ................ 

Ai.iTON-LiKo,  G. 

Deductions  on  the  Links  .......... 

ATKKV,  BERTRAM 

II.  .ok  (The)  ...................... 

BKVAX,  Miss  MAUD. 

••  Home  from  Iloino  "  (A)    ........ 

BIUD,  A.  W. 

Friend  (A)    ............  •.  ......... 

BKV.X,  ,T.  T. 

Humane  (lifts  ................... 

Itrtilists  (The)  ................... 

BtJltXET,  W.  HolKiSUN 

Facts  north  Filing    ............. 

Latest  War  News  ......   ........  .. 

Pulverising  tin-  Peers  ........... 

Itight  Men  in  the  Higlit  Place  (The) 

Hayings  of  tho  Week  .............. 

CHALMERS,  P.  K. 

llallade  of  August  ................ 

Hal  lade  of  Driven  ftrouse(A)  ...... 

Jlallndeof  Fancy  Fair      .......... 

r.:ill.i.l.-  of  the  Forest  in  Summer  .. 
HI  ue  If  uses  ...................... 

Custom  House  (The)  .............. 

Jew»ll«d8eU(A)   ................ 

Kiagi  and  Cubbing  .............. 

lavender's  for  Ladies  ............ 

1  .ooked  in  the  Mouth   ............ 

i'uiiiona  ........................ 

Song  of  a  Syrinx  f  A)  .............. 

T,,;,  Civic  Sea-Ciull    .............. 

To  a  Kingfisher  .................. 

Treasure  Island  .................. 

CKKSWKI.L,  BULKEI.EY 
Microl*  Studies  for  Musicians  ____ 

.Mnlorieties  ...................... 

lUw.sox,  C.  W. 

Hi  vinf;  Lesson  (The)  .............. 

i:  HAMEL,  H.  (!. 

- 


!..-ss.-,n  JThe) 


Prince  of  Wales  (The) SI 

Psychological  Moment  (Th. ) Ml 

Rival  IViicemakers  (The) 417 

"Sermons  In  Stones"  KHJ 

Shocker  Shocked  (The,    -  *'•'• 

Sort  of  Wellington  (A) '.<!> 

Spirit  of  Unrest  (Tlie) 1.15 

Tenants'  Fixtures 1.17 

Wanted  a  Warranty US 

Wolf  that  Wouldn't  (The)   4i7 

RAVEX-HII.I.,  L. 

Admiral  of  the  "  Pacific  "    ISO 

As  Between  Friends 4-Jfl 

ChiW  :m\  Snii.-1-Child 3?i 


Articles. 


DF.  TiF.r.,  K. 

T«roIloiisf!i(Thi>l  ..... 

DIXSIS,  Miss  K.  M. 

Garden  in  Sluinland  (A) 
Ec'KEItM.EV,  A. 

Almanac  Scourge  (The) 

Answers  to  Knrjuirers 

Dlappolntmmi  (The) 

Kss.iys  in  Optimism 

Fiction  and  Fashion 

Finish  (The) 

Hardening  Notes 

last  Comer  (The) 

Newest  I'nitraiture  (I'1'0) 

Practical  Hacdeker(A) 

Pnililems  for  Playwright* 

l!.-l  nion  (The) 

Shc.w  Place  (The) 

Stri|i«l  Peril  (The) 
EDEN,  Mrs. 

Petals  (Tlie) 

EI.IAS,  F.  W. 

K|iidemic(The) 
New  Currency  (The  • 
Tiudisposi  tion 
Treasure  (The) 

EMANTEL,  WALTEII 

Charivaria    .................. 

FAY,  STANLEY  ,1. 

All  the  latest  Dances 

Crackers  for  1011 

Miisicopharmacopieia  (The) 

On  Show 

School  for  Motley  (The: 

Signs  of  Wear 
Fll.MOKR,  L.  E. 

From  a  Mediu-val  "M,.niin^  Pn>t"  4<M 

Hot  Weather  Ivlicticii',  ..........    «7 

Fisir,  AV.  W.  BLAIR 

Cricket  Sweep  (A)  ................     ^4 

Methods  of  IdenUlication 
Ode  to  a  Mouthful  of  Sea-  Wat-r 
FRKVKR,  DEP.MOV 


304 
157 

470 
:;_':( 
188 
330 
2C6 
283 
21  1 
893 
420 
Ii8 
88S 
2S4 
292 
1W 


S04 

nsi 
391 

weekly 


311 

444 

Bill 

88 

15 

424 


1  li 
1S4 


JlAVLN-llll.L,  L. 

FixedHtaV(A) 14-, 

Great  Barrier  (The)  S80 

Heir  Pre»«inpHvr  (Tlie) -39 

Judgment  of  Pm-iset  te  (The) 4.,'j 

Natter  of  liignltj- (A)  S07 

MinundersUioil    171 

No  Surrender    »t  Present 8 

Ol.l  Itenroach  (An)    449 

Ovenlomgit    84» 

Pitiless  PhilanthropUt(l'he)     300 

Pnife-i-iona!  Kti.|iiett« 83 

ScallM  on  the  tin-en 235 

Self-IVfenee    J.'' 

73 


GAP.VEY,  Jlis-s  Ix.v 

HlanrheMjetten  50,  84,  150, 

Worst  Fault  of  All  (Tlie) 

GOI.IISTKIX,  A.  S. 

lliilly  Pn>|ir>sitloii  (A) 

GP.AVKS,  0.  L.,  AXD  Let-As,  K.  V 

Atwentees  (The) 

"All  the  Latest  Hares" 

Are  Grandparents  Jealous '    

Art  of  Social  Advertisement  ( Ili-j. 

Hefore  their  Time 

Bitten  lliti-s(The) 

Hook  Chat    

Horrowed  Names  

Hrand  of  the  Nation  (The) 

Hutler's£i  (Hie)  

Clothes  and  the  Altruist 

Coming  Home  to  get  Mum.-. I    

Kvening  Papers  please  copy   

Face  on  the  Wall  (The)    

Tair  Wineland  (The) 

Fire-Eatera  H  la  Francalte 

(iala  Performance  of  the  Future  (Aj 

<i.-nis  from  the  Ijidy  Nov 

tieorge  Kdwarrles'  Banquet  (The).. 

(irand  Knglish  Opera   

llr.-it  Wager  (Tlie) 

H, -at  -Wave  Interview 

Heavy  Fantastic  (The) 

How  They  Began  

Ideal  Holiday  (The) 

IndomitaMes  (The)    

Infant  Prodigies  

Ink -slinging  Peers 

Journalistic  Detachment 

Latest  Films  (The,    

Lines  t,.  Mr.  Mi,,l,-«  

Looked  in  the  Mouth   

Luckless  Palace  (The) 

Memoirs  of  a  Millioiiaite. 

Music  and  Murder 

Musical  Advertisements 

Musical  Notes     !>, 

M    -I.  :\\  U'n rest  (The)  

New  Ancestor  Worship  (Tlie) 

Sew  D»atli  and  lilory  Boys  (Tlie). . 


RAYKN-HII.L,  I.. 

N|*nl»li  INver.i,,i,(A) •-. 

1>niiinolr»)[tc-al  K  \a<  f  it  M.I- 1W 

"IMnfotTh  read*  and  l>atchr»"(A)4<ll> 

T,«i  Kail  t.,  Live     KM 

Warm  llecopt  ion  ( Al 41 

Tomnxm,  F.  H. 

( '. .n \ ersers    'Hie)     Ii7 

Kinilml  Spirits 1W 

••(•ft  in  th.  Still) -Xijjhl"  Ill 

OnUMMa(TM. 

"Hrntilnental  Journey"  (A)  ..        .  -JI7 
T«i,  (ientlemen  of  Warwii-k.loir    .   141 
Very.Near-Kast  Question  (A). . 
Welsh  National  SL-eplecli .-.-    I 


GRAVES,  C.  I,.,  AVU  Lrr.vs,  K.  V. 

New  Way  with  Foreigner!  (A    . . ..  24» 

Nobody  Forgotten 10 

Object-Lesson  (Tlie) 5  u 

Our  Acti\e  Administrator    .. 
l-arrots'  Last  Word*  . .  IT 

Pillar  of  Society  (A) g; 

Pony-Carts  (The) IM 

Potted  linen i  .,    II; 

Pmctioal  rhilanthiopy    17» 

Psychology  of  Antlir.,|«,|,1r.,->i  Ihe)  M4 

Kewards  and  Fair)'  Tale- |7 

Royal  Musical  Communion  (Tlie)..  tn 

Silver  Lining  (The) i 

Stars  In  Colll»lon  

Statesmen  at  Play *J9 

Strain  of  Al-fmwo  Acting  (Th-i   ..  474 

Talks  with  Vi«ionarie« 404 

Team  for  Australia  (The) .  l'~ 

To  Algernon  Ashton,  Ka\ tt3 

TrarUthalTooktheWroiiK-Ttin.ii.k-  413 
Trials  of  a  Woman  of  Gen 

,-i. :.; 

Tro  of  Onr  Benefactors 4T.I 

Very  Dickens  in  France  (The     MS 

Very  Latent  (The) 4M 

GtTHRlE,  T.  ASMT.V 
.lokei  Kept  for  a  Season  of  W.«<  ..  4T.1 

IjutWoime  of  Hummer  (Tlie) *l<l 

Victim  of  Intrigue  (A. S4N 

IlK.Kf.KRT,  A.   1*. 
Mr.  Pnnch's  Literary  Adits. SI* 


To  an  Unjust  Judge  . . . .  „ 14* 

HOIKSKISSOX,  T. 

Another  Beau's  Stratagem K* 

Another  Book  that  has  llelpe.1.. ..  n£ 

Another  of  Musics  Clnn.n    547 

(  npid  and  C'antion    4>l 

.Mis.-.|,prehenaian(AX I  "•» 

Mwlern  Orpheus  (TbeX t» 

To  the  Kasi  Wind *7S 

JKNKISS,  ERNEST 

Advice  to  the  Admiral*   419 

Mystery  Ship  (The) 1*1 

Personal  IIS 


484 


PUNCH,.  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[DECEMBER   27,   1911. 


Articles — continued. 


JENKINS,  ERNEST 

Pose  Culture  97 

Thoughts  on  the  Ninth   354 

KEIGWIN,  E.  P. 

Test  (The) 30 

KENDALL,  Captain 

Breaking  Point  (The)  240 

Mr.  Cox.... 47ii 

Installation  (An)    2S5 

Old  liall  (An) 13-2 

KlNGSLEY-LoNG,  II. 

Spot  Cash 343 

KNOX,  E.  G.  V. 

Abdication  (The)   mi 

About  the  Long  Hole 118 

Drains  on  the  Water 210 

Coronation  Tl-ophy(The) 5,  25 

Crickets  on  the  Hearth   408 

Dies  Iiae  460 

Dusk  Out-of-Doors    75 

1'ailaro  of  Sympathy  (A) 816 

Happy  Dispatch  (The) 105 

Just  not  July 381 

I.ii.es  to  a  Statue  at  !.<'<-<ls 62 

Manly  Pait  (The)  160 

Principal  Feature  (The) 350 

lii-vival  of  Humour  (The)  201 

Sa  ucc  of  the  Soil 133 

Stamps 371 

Straight  Talk  to  a  Cold  (A)   433 

To  any  Hairdresser  200 

William. 39(i 

LANGLEY,  F.  0. 

Beauty  Adorned 402 

Charivaria    17!',  210,  215,  233 

Commercial  Candour  in  High  Life.  412 

Co-operators  (The)    342 

Glut  in  the  Market(A) 174,  186 

Hints  to  Travellers  80 

In  and  Out  of  Season  323 

Information  Bureau  (The) 471 

Injured  Guilt . . 384 

Matter  of -Detail  (A) 312 

Meeting  of  Twin  Souls! 276 

Modus  Operandi 282 

Needles  and  Pins  200 

O'clock 414 

Our  Complete  Novelette 202 

Personalities  of  the  Law 138 

Safety  Valve  (The) 102 

Suspicious  Case  (A) 301 

Ton  n  Cousin  (The)   ., 444 

LEHMANN,  R.  0. 

Chinese  Leader  (A)  428 

Collision  (The)   388 

Co-operation    321 

Crag  well  End 248,  266,  274 

Describer  (The)  328 


LEHMANN,  R.  C. 

Dragon  of  Winter  Hill  vTlie)  ..  ic.fi,  ISO 

Foreign  Loader  (A)   -424 

I  Jlossiiry  of  Political  Terms  (A)    ..  s"> 

Gram!  Garden  1'Vte  (The)    HO 

Hnlsbiiry  Club  (Till') :K>4 

Hit  or  Miss 376 

Indian  Leader  (An)   448 

Love  anil  Age 1 44 

llcsolute  Christinas  (A)   468 

Revelations 228 

Taune.1      212 

To  T.  W.  Burgess  183 

Venus 108 

Walking  Tour  (The) IS.  i;8 

Wnnley  on  Wit  and  Wisdom 1 20 

Youngest  Member  (The) 3 J2 

LODGE,  A.  A. 

Uy-Laws  for  Parks   166 

LUCY,  Sir  H.  \V. 

Essence  of  Parliament..    13,  33,  49,  05, 

83,  101,  11!),  137,  105,  :ii'.i.  :i:i:i,  :v,». 

S~V,  XV,  419,  45(1 

Lord  Hartington   300 

LUI.HAM,  HABBERTOX 

Cock  Robin 479 

Noblest  Revenge  (The) ::i-J 

Redpoll :)0 

Shed  for  England 7s 

Sweets  that  Cloyed  (The)    57 

MACKENZIE,  Captain 

Gladys's  Autogniph  Album    473 

MAKILLIEI:,  Mrs. 
Catching  her  Eye '    72 

MARSHALL,  A. 

llow  to  Deal  with  the  Income-Tax 
Authorities '. . .    %,  114 

MARTIN,  N.  R. 

Charwoman  Puzzled  (The) 442 

How  I  Spend  My  Four  Hundred 

Pounds 2ii!> 

In  the  Pillory 105 

Laird  and  the  Mt-euister  (The)  ....  234 

Latest  Strike  News  151 

MAUD,  Mrs. 
Tasting  Blood 475 

MENZIES,  G.  K. 
Advertisement  Nuisance  (The)....  400 

Dangerous  Living 249 

My  Double  27 

St.  Andrews,  1911 188 

Mi  ALL,  DERWENT 

Unwanted  Ghost  (The) 452 

MILNE,  A.  A. 

Another  New  Club 276 

At  the  Play  ....  108,  ;!M,  202,  243,  282, 
303,  uf2,  403 


MILNE,  A.  A. 

( 'oinplete  Novice  (Th'? 

<  'nmn  of  Sorrows  (A) 

Diary  of  a  Cinema  Actor  ^I'ln1) .. 

I  loi'lor  (The)    

Great  Gum  Question  (The) 

Hotel  Child  (The) 

House  Warming  (The)  ..   2S,  42. 
11 

Informal  K  veiling  'An).. 

Jnva.lerOThc) 

Liti'rary  Art  (Thf) 

Modern  Cinderella  (A) 

N''\v  Issin-  (A) 

St>;iM  m's  Summary  (TheJ 

Soldiers  All 

Summer  Cold  (A)  

MosEI.EV.  <!.  H. 

On  a  Superabundant  ,.f  Haiijii 
MOSEI:.  Mrs. 

Marriage  Marri'il  (A) 

Pro  Colno 

Tri|Kili  Trials  

Mum,  WARD 

Suk  Snk  (The) 

What  the  Public:  Wauls 

POPE,  Miss  JESSIK 

Balliing-Mai'liiiif  Man  (Tin1)  .. 

lili'ssinx  their  Buttons 

Calendar  Curiosity  (Al 

"  Guardsman  "(D.O.tt.) 

lethal  Chamber  (The) 

Marine  Metamorphosis    

Poor  Man's  Partridge  (Tin-)    . . 

Strike  Prevention  in  the  HI. me 
KENDALL,  Miss  E. 

Peace  for  Pestered  Pedagogues 
KIGBY,  REGINALD 

Society  at  the  Seaside 

RISK,  K.  K. 

Armistice  (The) 

Inland  Golf 

P.  L.  :. 

Where  to  go  Next  Holiday  .... 
RlTTENBEKG.  MAX 

Christmas  Schedule  (The)  

Home  Rule  for  Schoolboys 

Red  Tie  (The) 

ROWAN,  HILL. 

Black  Peril  (The)   

Fiancee  (The) 

Liquid  Asset  (The)    

Motor  and  Super-Motor  

Polygot  Drama   

Railway  Reform 

Sliding,  Scales  of  Justice  (Tin-) 
RUTTER,  0.  P. 
Life 


520 

408 

2!)4 

314 

394 

256 

',  76, 

,  148 

431 

372 

.  334 

45) 

.       S 

,  108 

,    238 

,  204 


us  .     CS 


141 
170 
308 


240 

132 

129 
212 
341 
23S 
302 
13S 
144 
147 

448 
94 

270 
30 
324 
198 

464 

.  288 
,  10!) 

.  242 
.  150 
.  170 
.  72 
2 

.  331 
.  407 


SAVAGE.  (1.  II. 

Ijnis  Custodilit—  ?  ................  510 

SEAFOKTH,  Miss  K.  A. 

About  an  Ear  ....................  in 

SEAMAN,  OWEN  y 

America  in  London  ..............  S74 

At  the  Play  ....  0,  20,  44.  20'J.  222.  24:.. 

2C4.  :«'.•_'.  402 

Bitter    Plaint    of    the    Elephant 

(The)  ..........................  328 

Books  to  the  lionllro  ..............  :«*• 

Di-an  to  His  Tweeny  (A)  :  .........  42t- 

Farewell  to  Summer  ..............  !'»• 

Goose  Opera  (The)  ................  422 

How  I  Got  There   ................  72 

Loyalists  (The)  ..................  2(* 

Man  of  Peace  (A)   ................  2:11 

Master  and  Maid    ................  3X8 

Northward  Ho  I  ..................  90 

On  Mixed  Shooting  ..............  252 

Passing  of  New  Year's'Kvc  (Th»)  .  .  408 

Hun  on  the  Elibimk  (A)  ..........  54 

Toujours  a  la  Kusse  ..............  16 

SMITH,  BF.HTKAM 
Corner  in  Stamps  (The)   ..........  275 

Euphemisms  for  Skinners  ........  441 

£400  Look  (Thi')  ..................  255 

Meditations  in  a  Butt  .  ...........  102 

IVomising  Beginnings  ............     :ll 

Servant  Stamp  (The)  ..............  383 

Special  Posts  ....................  212 

Spinning  out  the  Ice  ..............  103 

SYKES,  A.  A.    " 

Code  from  Patagonia  (A)  ..........     67 

Il'irmanl  I'ortraitiiiG    ............   18.1 

One  More  Strike  ..................  123 

Some  Parliamentary  Synonyms    ..  :>7 
Tobacco  v.  Osculal  ion  ...  .........  341 

SYMNS,  J.  M. 

Baum  Rabbit  (The)  .....  .  ........ 

Crwth  (The)  ...................... 

Desert  Optimist  (The)  ............ 

Mark  of  the  East  ('1  be)  ............ 

Mr.  Jenkins  ...................... 

WATSON,  F. 

Antique  Clock  (The)  .............. 

WATT,  HANSARD 

Carols    .......................... 

WHITE,  R.  F. 

Cold  Welcome  (A)  ................ 

Greatness  ........................ 

"  Inclusive  To«r-H«your  "  (The).  ... 

Joy  of  Battle  (Tim)    .............. 

Limited  Suff.  age  (A)  .............. 

Ordeal  by  Fireworks  (The)  ........ 

Question  of  Value  (A)  ............ 

tiongs  of  Pantomime  vThe)  ........ 


442 

4112 

87 

348 

1 


4.r,l 

411 
17 

258 
430 
401 
340 

2'".' 
414 


Pictures  and  Sketches. 


ARMOUR,  G.  DENIIOLM  ...  9,  37,  51,  62,  79,  103, 

115,  139,  167,  195,  231,  265,  273,  296,  316, 

345,  363,  385,  396,  423,  436,  456 

BAILEY,  ALBERT 341 

BAUMER,  LEWIS  ...  7,  111,  129,  159,  201,  237, 

315,  395,  443,  455 

BAYNES,  PHILIP  69,  292,  347,  416 

BELCHER,  GEORGE 445 

BIRD,  W.  ...  17,  50,  53,  71,  143,  176,  215,  287, 

365,  432,  435,  447 
BOOTH,  J.  L.  C.  ...  15,  89,  197,  210,  221,  241, 

285,  352,  367,  452, 

BIIOCK,  H.  M 205,  267 

BUCHANAN,  FIIED  222,  246,  327 

BURNS,  J.  INDER 213,  387 

COUBETT,  E.  V 52 

DIXON,  GEORGE  S 87,  346 

GOODMAN,  MOON  16,  179 

HAHT,  FRANK  105,  133 

HAPJUSON,  CHARLES 302,  480 

HASELDEN,  W.  K.  ...  6,  26,  44,  282,  362,  374, 

382,  422,  462,  463 

HOC.OARTH,  GRAHAM 156 

KING,  GUNNING  85,  152,  255,  293,  313,  333,  415 

LONGMIRE,  G 161,  162 

Low,  HARKY 21,  247,  307 

LU.KT,  WlLMOT 192 

MAUPHERSON,  D 116,  371 

MAYBAXK,  THOMAS  95,  335 

MILLS,  A.  WAT.LIH  ...  29,  59,  77,  93,  141,  175, 

193,221,219,207.  283,   306,   323,  343,  355, 

376,  393,  413,  461,  467 


MOLLOY,  A.  V 


142,  160,  178,  196,  214,  232,  250, 
303,  326,  366,  386,  406,  426,  433, 


269 

MORROW,  GEORGE  20,  40,  41,  70,  88,  106,  123. 

'    268,  286, 
466,  477 


NORMS,  A 177,  336,  373,  441,  475 

PARTRIDGE,  BERNARD    l 

PEARS.  CHARLES   97,  211,  .101 

PEGRAM,  FRED .'.....  187 

RAVEN-HILL,  L.    ...  10,  30,  80,  134,  151,  170, 
•  242,  260,  278,  476,  482 

REED,  E.  T.    ...   13,  33,  34,  49,  65,  66,  83,  84, 
101,  102,  119,  120,  137,  155,  173,  191,  209, 
227,  245,  263,  281,  299,  300,  319,  320,  321. 
339,  340,  359,  360,  379,  380,  399,  400,  419. 
420,  439,  440,  459,  460,  479 

REES,  FRED  26i 

REYNOLDS,  FRANK  392,446 

ROUNTREE,  HARRY 35,  61,  98,  405,  465 

SARG,  TONY  275 

SHEI-ARD,  ERNEST  H.  ...  19,  25,  183,  233,  325. 

361,  473 

SHEPHERD,  ,T.  A 124 

SHEPPAED,  W.  H 251 

SHEPPERSON,  CLAUDE  A.    ...   39,  206,  295,  403 
SMITH,  A.  T.  ...  131,  149,  165,  185,  203,  219, 
277,  3C5,  412,  463 

SMITH,  NEVILLE  F 312,  421 

i  SPEED,  T 228 

STAMPA,  G.  L.    ...    14,  45,   67,  121,  157,  169, 
229,  259,  301,  353,  383,  425,  427,  453 

STT.ANGE,  C.  S 107,  188,  381,  407 

THOMAS,  BEIIT 223,  35i? 

TOWVSEXD,  F.  H.  ...  5,  27,  46,  57,  75, 113,  125, 
147,  194,  239,  291,  311,  331,  332,  351,  375. 
391,  411,  431,  451,  471 


AP 
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P8 
1911 


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