Full text of "Punch"

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,.'

JAMES NICHOLSON

Presented to the

LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO

THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
JAMES NICHQLSCN

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 35, 1913.

PUNCH

Vol. CXLIV.
JANUARY JUNE, 1913.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 25,

LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET

AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1913

PUKCK, o* Tin LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 25, 1913-

101

Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ld.,

Printers,
London and Tonbridge.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

CALENDAR, 1913.

Sanuarg

jfebruaty

flDarcb

Spill

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Punch's Almanack for 1913.

"MABGABET, HAVE YOU SAID voun PBAYERS?" "YES, MUMMY DEAR, BUT " " BUT WHAT?'

"PEBHAPS I'D BETTEB SAY THEM AGAIN, AS THEY DIDN'T SOUND QUITE BIGHT." "WHATEVER DO YOU MF.AN, DKAR?"
"WELL, YOU SEE, BILLY WAS TRYING HIS NEW PEA-SHOOTER ON MY BARE FEET ALL THE TIME."

Basil. "WELL, WE CAME I* A GREAT
A SHORT FUNNEL, A DOUBLE CONNECTING-ROD AND AN OUTSIDE CTLIR0KB."

Punch's AlmanacR for 1913.

Banl; Clerk (to lady who has presented crossed cheque for payment). "I AM SORRY, MADAM, BUT I CANNOT CASH you THIS ACBOSS
THE COUNTER." Lady. "On, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL COME ROUND."

HULLO, PAT! WHAT YER GOT THKHE?'

DOES IT TASTE LIKE?"

" SODA-W/.TTER THEY DO CALL IT."
' SHURE, IT TASTES LIKE VEB FUT WAS ASIILEEP.'

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

THE HOME BEAUTIFUL.

OrESING OP THE ROCKERY SEASON IN OUR GARDES SUBURB.

ONE OF THE BOYS.
Knt Caddie. WHO 'BE Y E FOOB xms MORNING, ANGUS ? " Second Caddie. A 'M FOOR THE PETTICOATS.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

TURNING OVER A NEW CENTURY.

ACT I.

EVE OF THE 100TH BIRTHDAY.

ACT IT.

TUK 100TH BIRTHDAY.

ACT III.

THE llOrii BIRTHDAY.

ACT IV.

TUB 120TH BIBTHDAY.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.

NATURE AND THE SPORTSMAN.

r-It'8 a cr-r-ran' vK-w." snid tho groat golfer, as ho stood on the tenth toe.

" It ' a gr-r-an 1 viow," r< T l,ed his opponent, who was 3 down at the turn-" it \s a gMT-Hn 1 vi^ wtotevor.

when yc 're 8 tip ! "
oyal and Very Ancient Golf Legc nds.~]

" THERE was a time when meadow, grove and stream '
(WORDSWORTH) to me meant practically nil ;

No "glory" there, no " freshness of a dream,"
But just a playground ; when I took the hill,

Like to a young gazeka, lithe of limb,

I had no thoughts too deep for mortal plummet ;

'Twas just for joy of getting (curious whim ! )
Up to the summit.

No Nymph surprised me nutting in the glade ;

No Faun addressed me in the woodland Cree'.: ;
No sketchy Dryad, peeping from the shade
Wooed me, all blackberry smears, upon tho

cheek ;
As for the primrose (in the river scene),

Which, rightly viewed, affects our holier feelings,
For all I cared it might as well have been
Potato-peelings.

Then dawned the lovely adolescent prime

When salad sprouts, and young calf-loves occur ;
When Nature, while the new buds burst in rhyme,

Is worth considering, on account of HEB ;
Then, if I noticed, in its saffron dross,

Beside the same old river's marge, the primrose,
Forth from my lips, still damp with HER caress,
A jocund hymn rose.

Such periods pass, but leave their print behind.

" Never," I said, " in all my years to be,
Never again can I be wholly blind

To Nature's wish lo keep in touch with mo."

Tho waters whispered my affairs ; the trees,
Communing of them, grew almost poetic,
And so I went on swallowing " fallacies "
Strangely " pathetic."

Then came a dreadful change : I took to Spor'u.

I could not look upon that sight most fair
High woods where Autumn holds his regal court

But I must think : " They 'd come well over there ! "
And, though I still regarded Nature's claim,

The lust to perforate some harmless creature
Preoccupied me till the thing became
My leading feature.

Then followed worse. Ah, Scotland ! I have known
Great evenings when the sea-loch's burnished gold,

Flanked by the hill's shot-velvet, green and roan,
Has left my bosom absolutely cold ;

And just because, upon the windy brae,

Through inadvertence, some mere silly trifle

Over- (or under-) sight no deer that day
Fell to my rifle.

''' ' " -::- -::- .:

So mused he, plodding in the gillies' track,

When " Hist ! " he dropped to earth and, crawling

prone,
Got in drew breath t:ok steady aim, and crack!

Toppled his beast, ten points and eighteen stone !
Later his foot upon the gralloched dead

Touching tho stalker's arm still bare and gory,
" Duncan, my friend, have you remarked," he said,

" Yon sunset's glory? "

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

FREAK HOSPITALITY is STILL EXTREMELY FASHIOXABLE. MB. HARRY VASDERJINKS, \viio NEABLY LOST ins LIFE BY SHIPWRECK

A YEAB AGO, YESTERDAY GAVE A BACHELORS' DINNER TO CELEBRATE THE ANNIVEB8ABY OP HIS E8CAPK. THE SERVICES OP A LIFE-
BOAT CBEW WEBE REQUISITIONED AND GUESTS WERE ONLY PERMITTED TO ENTEB THE RESTAURANT BY MEANS OF THE LIFE-SAVING
AI'PABATUS AND THE BREECHES BUOY.

MR. EUSTACE II. JOT, WHO SOME TIME AGO NEARLY PERISHED IN AN EABTHQ.UAKE i.\ MEXICO, GAVE AN KTEBESTING DINNER

? WEEK TO CELEBRATE HIS HAPPY ESCAPE. JuST AS THE SOUP WAS SEBVED THE HOST GAVE A SIGNAL AND A NUMBEB OP CON-
> ATTENDANTS BEGAN TO PUT INTO MOTION ALL TUB MOST CHARACTERISTIC FEATURES OF AN EARTHQUAKE. THE GUESTS
THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THE NOVELTV OF THE EXPERIENCE

Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.

THE CARD-ROOM AT THE TRUMPERS' CLUB.

AS II WAS IN THE DAYS OP WHIST,

AS IT WAS IH TUE DAYS OF BRIDGE.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

THE CARD-ROOM AT THE TRUMPERS 1 CLUB.

AS IT IS IN THE DAYS OF COON-CAH.

AND AS IT WILL rnoBABLY BE IN THE NEAR FUTCBE.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

Golfer (unsteadied ly Christmas luncheon) to Opponent. " SIR, I WISH YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THAT I RESENT YOUB

JUST YOUR INTERFERENCE WITH MY GAME, SlR I TlLT THE GREEN ONCE MORE, SIR, AND I CHUCK THE MATCH! "

UNWARRAXT YOUR

CtuUic (in for caddie competition). " WON MY MATCH AT THU THIRD 'OLH, SIR." Secretary. " WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

THE OTHER CHAP WAS TWO UP ON ME, BUT ' 'S FELL INTO THE QUARRY POND AT TIIK THIRD AN* CAN'T GET OUT."

Secretary. "WHY DIDN'T YOC HELP HIM?" Caddie. " 'E SAID 'E 'D GO ON WITH THE MATCH IP I DID."

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

CHRISTMAS EVE SHOPPING.

Umbrella {or Aunt Jn. All too xfntv. but wif remcmle.-j
T.e wentj one. Buj it. Murt gi coiMtning <l for Aunt.

Pi|i for Ucl G(or. Net on* I 'J cir to gv kin. I w>nt
om cigai .. Gtt tki. Somttktng cl {or UncU G<orgf.

Lilll* ktnd-bag for wife'* siAtr Kate. None tlie rignt colour.
But tker ' Judy dreoing-oie. JolJ mounttj, wkiA wife llyi Alt
murt kv. Wile i i/Ver Kite murt wait.

HarolJ kfti broken Lt mAi*. New on* {or kirn. None ty
favourite Btikr. I want .torn* goK-k*ll*. My well kv a
bi^xei, Pcrkafs jomctkinjf clcc for Harold.

Swc<ti for goJ-AilJ. Rememter in ttm* *K i* r*(ktr Liiiou*.
\Vif discover* new fondant. Vry good. Ord.tr lome koxcs.
Never done to kav* mida goJ-c3nl<l ill.

TuVi well e;rr.eJ ie.ft. So ttrtag buying Gkrulmai {>rsrxt'. SuJ-
daly remember kc.vn't bougKt any. Never mind; makt upnext >.r.

Punch's Almanackfor_1913.

PRIZE COMPETITION FOR A CINEMA PLAY.

(By our Youngest Competitor)

Bron&o Bill i. leaning .gain* kia Ut titlle knowing tk.t kia young lady. Clara, ia

wraffted tkougkt-f.rk.fa tkinking of kurryin* aero,, tke Pra.r.. witk aom. egg>

!, J.-1 for kia krealfart from ker f atker a Nation.

.
Bueltjumftng Ite. tk Terror of Tex,

M own Korse. " Ltgktntng," kaf keen
uf wttk Rkevmmttem.

He iteali tier korie anJ tiei ker to tree.

vlire ake \a JificovereJ fcy Red Scirf.
Ckie{ of tke JreaJeJ Mixzywii'guns.

But eovetkiag kae tol J Bill tktt lomeone ia in trouble, ao lie >rriv in tke nicl of time
n<l laaioea Red Scuf.

Aa for Ike. lie il unerted for Horae-Aealing,

And gcta impnaoned for life.

ID gaol ke akowe rfmoree for wkat lie kci
dose. (Plee Aow remorM of Bill u>

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

SIR- HERBERT TREE

<JA li*/*

SOME PAULO-POST-FUTURIST IMPRESSIONS.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1913

THE ROMANCE OF ITALY.

(By our Special Peace Artist.)

Quito (at the Forum). " LADIES, AND YOU, Sins, IF YOU PLEASE ; YOU ABE NOW BEGABDINO! ZE MOS' WONDERFUL OBJECT ra BOMB I "

Fompeian Guide. "DERE, SAB! DAT is MOST BEAUTIFUL EXAMPLE OF ANCIENT ROMAN DRINK-BAB."
Exhausted Sujldsccr. "On, ron A MODKBN AMERICAN ONE!"

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

THE ROMANCE OF ITALY.

(By our Special Peace Artist.)

iiM (wearily), "BAEDEKER BAYS THE PLACE is NOTED FOB THE DBYNESS OP ITS CLIMATE. MY WOBTHY GUIDE

IS THE FINEST VIEW IN THE WHOLE OF ITALY. THE VOLCANO WON'T EKUIT, AND I COULDN'T SKE IT IF IT DID.

Tourist at Taormina

TELLS ME THAT THIS

BUT, THANK HEAVEN, THERE 'S NO QOLF HEBE!"

IN CASE THE NATURAL BEAUTIES OF ITALY SHOULD NOT BE ENOUGH FOB YOU, THESE 13 ALWAYj HEB AlVT. THUS, NOBODY, ON
APPROACHING SORRENTO, HAS ANY OCCASION TO BE DOWNHKABTED.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

lie (carried away). "SEE THAT?" (No answer) "Now THEY'VE BOUND 'IM, THEY'LL GAG 'IM " (No answer) "so AS HE
CAS'T BHOUT. SEE?" She (with great difficulty). " THEY OUGHT TO 'AVE SOME OF THIS TOFFEE OF YOURS TO GIVE "IM."

00 ten!

")' "I **, WOK HERE | THIS IS PRETTY PUTRID WHEN

7 "Mllc.Saireyannska

AHARAZADE

mmanuclkin

C ,

UANSE SYNTHETIQUE.

.TV . AVinstonkin

ESjlUFFRAGI5TES-
I.AscjuittjofF

Corps ic S

rnn

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

Hall Attendant (surprised into an audible whisper). " JE-HOSH-APHAT 1 "
Reveller (indignantly). "NOTHING OF THE SORT CHARLES THE SECOND. "

Elderly Spinster (ratlierdeaf). "LISTEN TO THE WAITS; AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?"

Sarah. "SOUNDS TO MB LIKE THE OBPIN'TONS, Miss."

Elderly Spinster. "I DON'T CABE WHO THE GENTLEMEN ARE; TAKE THEM A SHILLING AND ASK THEM TO COME AGAIN.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

MINCE MEAT.

(Hi/ our L'lwriniriely Artiste.)
IN view of recent events in the Bal-
kans, clever statistician forecasts that
on the 25th Decem-
her next, 5,677,210 ,
British Household-
crs will make aj
reference at their
Christmas dinner to;
the cutting up of!
Turkey, and of these
5,677,209 will im-
agine that they are
the only persons to
whom the idea of
this excellent jest
has occurred.

We are sorry to
notice that there is
a certain amount of
grumbling among
ladies about the
newest fashions in
dresses. They are
complaining that
these are uncomfort-
able, without being

indecent.

-.:=

" I fancy," said
the lady, approach-
ing the Professor,
" we have met be-
fore." The Professor
put on his glasses
and had a good look
at the lady. " Well,
you may have,
Madam," he said,
"but I certainly have
not."

The public are
cautioned that pres;
notices, when used
to advertise books
should sometimes be
taken with a grain of
salt. "This is one
of the most childish
productions we have
ever come across,"
remarked a contem-
porary in its review
of a certain novel,

"James Smith, the author, must surely
be Master James Smith." The book is
now being boomed as follows :" One
of our leading newspapers hails the
author of this novel as a Master."

BUY YOUE RESIDENCE.
LIBERAL ADVANCES

' GOT ANY 'BACCA ? "

'Now DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF ABOUT ME, MATE."

ON SHOP & HOUSE PROPERTY"

; -ays the advertisement of a Building
- Society. While it is
quite true that Lib-
erals are advancing
on property of every
kind, it seems doubt-
ful policy for the
i Society in question
i to draw attention to
the fact.

The village wind-
band was assembled
on Boxing-Day for
the final rehearsal
before the Grand
Concert. "Where
be Bill Huggins?"
asked the conductor.
" 'E beain't quite the
thing, zur," said a
colleague. " Why,
what 's the matter
wi"im?" "Idoan't
rightly know what 's
the matter, zur, but
we reckon as 'e's
overblowed isself."

It is well that it
should be pointed
out that danger
lurks in the saying
that every mince-
pie eaten before the
New Year means a
year of happiness.
As often as not it
means a jolly bad
quarter of an hour.
Indeed last year we
heard of a youngster
who attempted to
make sure that he
would become in due
course a blithe cen-
tenarian. He is with
us no longer.

The Pluckiest Act
J I Never Saw: A
Cabinet Minister
kissing a Suffragette
under the mistletoe.

A LADIES' man Eobert is not,
Such casual manners he 's got ;
But, though I can show
Several strings to my bow,
I love him the best of the lot.

Last night -we sat out at a dance,
Peeling too sentimental to " Lanco,"
And I fancy ho guessed
I should fall on his breast
The moment he gave me the chance.

A CHECK IN THE MATING GAME.

So, a snub wouldn't hurt him a bit

(1 knew he was pretty hard hit),

And I quickly rehearsed

How I 'd fool him at first

And capitulate when I thought fit.

He proposed. I demurely said " No."
He was silent a second or so,
Then sighed (from relief,
It seemed, rather than grief),
And briskly responded "Bight-O."

And now I feel horribly small,
My tears are beginning to fall,

For it 's evident I

Must eat humble pie
Or never get Eobert at all.

Answer to "Smith Junior." - In
reply to your enquiry, jour de Van is
the French for New Year's Day : jour
de I'dnc is the First of April.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

Far and wide through Fairyland,
Far along each fairy strand,
Peter Pan, we heard you play,
Heard your piping day by day,
Till at last

Bid by yon
Fast, so fast,

Back we flow-
Like a flock of thistle-down
To this park of London Town.

Autumn 's here, but yet we sing
(Dancing for you in a ring) ;
Through the yellow leaves we run
Which the wind brings for our fun ;

They are green
To our eyes,

Crisp and clean ;
And the skies,

Grey to Men, to us are blue-
Never any other hue.

Winter soon will come, but we
Still will frolic 'neath each tree,
Frolic where you "ve come to dwell.
For our sakes, within this dell ;
Cold or heat,

Sun or rain,
Life is sweet,

For again-
So you tell us, Peter Pan.
We have won the love of Man.

//I

In the ages that are gone

Hyde Park, right to Kensington,

Sheltered fairies in its bowers

Built of brushwood, moss and flowers ;

Then Men turned
Grim and sad.

No more yearned

To be glad

In the merry fairy way
Simple pleasures, simple play.

Drooped then every fairy head
(Oh, what bitter tears were shed !),
And the fairies vanished quite
Hushed the home of every sprite 1

Song-birds wept,
Furred things too,

All that crept,

When they knew
Why the London fairies fled
Faith in fairies' worth was dead 1

'But there's nothing more to fear,
So you say, this happy year ;
Mortals by your help have seen
I All that fairies really mean-
Healthy joys ^

To enfold
Girls and boys.

Young and old
I So we thank you, Peter Pan
Peter never grown a Man I

J tf

THE FAIRIES OF LONDON TO PETER PAN, 1912.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.

[It has been suggested that the vast army of unorganised labour in London streets should be taken over by a General Information
vndicate. Badges aud bell-punches would be provided and a small fixed fee of, say, on:: halfpenny would be levied in all cases.]

"HEBE'S THE KERB, Sin."

"THIS IS YOUR HAT, MlSTEB."

" FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE, SlR, AND YOU WILL GET YOUR TICKET
AT THE SMALL WINDOW ON THE LEFT."

' THAT 's WOT YOU SLIPPED ON, Sin, THAT BIT o' BANANA-PEEL.

"IN HEBE, MISS."

BRIDGE WEST."

YES, Sin. You WANT WATERLOO BRIDGE NEXT

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

[An enterprising mnga/ino recently had :i story illustrated by drawings which were fushiou-platos in addition to being illustrativo
of the text. Why not go further and insinuate lucrative advertisements?]

" SHE FLUNG THE RING ON THE GROUND AND TURNED SCORN-
FULLY FROM HIM." (THE ABOVE DRAWING IS NOT ONLY At.
ILLUSTRATION TO OUR GREAT SERIAL BTORY, BUT ALSO GIVS A
SMART TYPE OF COUNTRY SUIT FOR GOLFING AND OTHER OUTDOCU
EXERCISES, FROM MESSRS. SNOOKER, JERMYN STREET, S.W.
THE PRETTY AFTERNOON GOWN IS BY VF.RA OF CONDUIT STREET.)

" As THE CAR FLEW PAST A DARK FIGURE SPRANG FROM THK
HEDGE WITH A LEVELLED REVOLVER." (THE CAR SHOWN 18 A
SMALL-SIZED 75 H.P. GA8PABD A HANDY, RELIABLE CAR FOB
ALL PURPOSES ; THE REVOLVER BEING A SEMI-AUTOMATIC
NORTHERN, PROCURABLE AT 201A, HAYMARKET.)

"'I WILL HAVE THK PAPERS,' HISSED LjEROUX." (WE CAS
HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE ROLL-TOP DESK SHOWN IN THIS PICTURE.
WHITE FOR CATALOGUE OF OFFICE "FURNITURE TO MESSRS. LIFIEY

AND LlFFEY, CllKAPSIDK.)

" SHE WAS DISCOVERED UNCONSCIOUS IN THE EARLY MORNING."
(THE DELIGHTFUL BIJOU COTTAGE IN THE DISTANCE IS ONB O*
THOSE SPECIALLY DESIGNED FOB THE Ll'SHINGHAM GARDEN ClTY

Co. PRICE 350 AS IT STANDS. TAKES ONLY 48 HOURS TO BUILD.)

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

JL JL befell tliat A ^rtaintTTlati

fnt "fKcm out

him ina.!rSktfffivetn an

?I 6
. So he ae or;

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

ul to pay (or
h* h^ Vol.

faf up
Arm ami tftrict

Owrur ncwiiff
fl he. (oon

is to \?c(rie.n6 me.

Che took it ^ JtrAgfvtwgp 6frT6

a<J for fter to
return fino fiwit<5
bu

returned not g.irt

cou\6 60 nought more (or him.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

THE TRUTH ABOUT 1913.

FA Prophetic Almanack, Ciii.l,- and Vade-mecum for the approaching year; including Postal I Information Solar .Predictions Lunar
culUtk,!.", Ti.lo Table, Antidotes for PouoBS, Notes on Etiquette and a Guide to the Best Times for Sowing and Planting, etc., etc.]

Occultations

IN tlio past Mr. Punch has often
\\ished his readers a Happy New Yc:>r,
but he has never felt so certain that
happiness was within their grasp as
to-day, when lie presents to them for
the first time his Prophetic Almanack,
(luido and Viide-mecum for 1913. With
tin- aid of the almanack, his readers

TIIE SEEII.

can face the approaching year calmly;
and if, in spite of the warnings of the
stars, any catastrophe should come
upon them unawares, the Tide Table,
the Notes on Etiquette and the Anti-
dotes for Poisons should be sufficient to
indicate a way of escape. The Solar
Predictions, the W r ages Table and the
List of our Colonial Possessions are
calculated to soothe those most in need
of comfort, while the faint-hearted will
take new courage when they read the
Postal Information and the Table for
Estimating Standing Crops. In short,
it is Mr. Punch's belief that with the
Prophetic Almanack and Guide for
companion no one need fear any-
thing from the approaching year
of grace 1913.

It is just possible, however, that
some may say, " On what does
Mr. Punch rest his claim to fore-
tell the future by the stars?"
The question is a fair one. It can
best be answered by recalling
some of his

ASTROLOGICAL PROPHECIES

ALREADY FULFILLED.
The sinking of the White Ship,
for instance, was clearly foretold
in Mr. Punch's Almanack for
1120 by the words "Saturn in
the ninth in trine with Neptune
suggests shipping troubles."

Our prediction of the battle of Agin-
court in the Almanack for 1415 creah-d
a tremendous sensation. Our actual
\vurds were "Mars on the meridian
denotes activity in military circles."
I low fully tins was borne out by events
which followed is known now to all the
world.

"Deaths among legal dignitaries,"
said the Almanack for 1553, and, alas !
it was in that year that His Majesty
KING EDWARD VI., the chief law-maker
of England, passed away.

The Gunpowder Plot was definitely
foretold by the words " Uranus on the
cusp of the eleventh house threatens
a warm autumn," which shows how
seldom the stars can err in their mes-
sages.

"Deaths from sickness" sufficiently
indicated the Great Plague of London.

Many other prophecies have been
fulfilled, such as " Scandal in Eeligious
Circles (1567), " Deaths by Duelling "
(1712), and "New Laws Passed" (1844).

Having established his claim to be in
the confidence of the stars, Mr. Punch
now proceeds to give his Prophetic
Almanack, Guide and General Vade-
mecum. He feels that he cannot make
a better beginning than by presenting
to the public his specially prepared

I.-POSTAL INFORMATION.
Letters. For the sum of one penny
the Post Office undertakes to convey a
letter weighing 4 ozs. or less to any
legible address in the British Isles. In
these days of telephones and motor-cars,
however, 4 oz. letters are but rarely
written ; at the end of 2 ozs. most of us
find that we have said all that we want
to say, and we do not grudge the Post-
Office the little bit of extra profit. In
some cases, of course, this profit is more
than a little. It is, for instance, difficult

to send out an invitation of more than
15 drams, or to answer it in more than
loz. and a quarter. On the same day to

'"A'PEXNY STAMP, PLEASE, MlSS."

THE GREAT LICENCE ANOMALY.
N.B. : You WILL WANT A LICENCE FOB TIII:

SPOOK, BUT YOU CAN DECORATE YOUR SIIIIiT-
FHOKT FOR NOTHING.

dispatch a dozen invitations of less than
an ounce and only to receive one three
and a half ounce letter from Sir ED-
WARD DURNING-LAWBENCE gives one
some idea of the prosperity of the
General Post-Office.

Post Cards. These are sold at the
following rates : Thin, |r7. each ; Stout
1 for f d., 11 for 6d. To the recipient the
adiposity of a post-card is, however,
of less importance than the writing
upon the side reserved for inland com-
munications.

Dog Licences. A dog licence
maybe purchased over the counter
of the post-office for 7s. 6(7., the
size of the dog being immaterial.
Though it is illegal to keep a dog
without a licence, there is nothing
to prevent you keeping a licence
without a dog. You have only
to glim the document to your
front gate and burglars will keep
away.

Money by Post. Money can be
ssnt in an ordinary letter at the
ordinary rates, whether in the
form of a postal order or in solid
cash. If the latter, the Post
Office regulations require that it
should be well wrapped up, and
that the words " Key Only "

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

should bo written legibly on the front
of the envelope.

Stock Exchange Dull.

II. OUR CHIEF IMPERIAL
POSSESSIONS.

NAMK.

In. hi

Iliiiimi.-r-mil
Soho

Riyswntor
liournevillo

HOW OBTAINED.

OODQUMt

Si-ttli-ineut
Ann -Xiltion
Annexed from

Italy
Lt- isr from Not-

tini? Hill
' froTn

Nutivr-8

TITLE Of KI-I.KII.

Tin- Vi. - T'I.V

'I In- 'ii.vri-tn.r
Tin- M.-iyor
Tin- Miiraroni

Tl c- Nut
The Coconnut

Stock Exchange Dull.

HI. WHAT A LANDLORD MAY
NOT DO.

The relations between a landlord and
his tenant are so important and yet so
little understood that our readers will
be glad to learn their exact status in
the matter. A landlord may not

(1) Stroll in uninvited, about 8 P.M.,
and seat himself hungrily in his (or
rather your) dining-room.

(2) Kick you down your (or rather
his) front-door steps if you are late
with the rent.

(3) Make disparaging remarks about
your that is, his or, rather, the her-
baceous boarder.

IV. WHAT A TENANT MAY NOT DO.
On the other hand, a tenant may
not

(1) Kick the landlord down the steps
when he asks for the rent.

(2) Sell the house without the land-
lord's permission.

V. ECLIPSES DURING 1913.

There will be five eclipses in 1913

three partial eclipses of the Sun and

two total eclipses of the Moon. They

will, however, all be invisible at Green-

AN ECLIPSE OF THE MOON.

I. BEFORE USING OUR

SAFETY RAZOR.

II. An Ell.

wich ; unfortunately for the trades-
people of that town, who generally
make a large profit out of the rush of
visitors to Greenwich when an eclipse

A LANDLORD MAY NOT DISCLAIM ALL RESPONSIBILITY
FOR REPAIRS.

OFF TO SEE THE ECLIPSE AT GREENWICH.

is announced as being visible there. It
will be possible, however, to observe
them through a smoked glass in certain
parts of the Pacific.

Total Eclipse of the Moon, March 22.
This occurs in the first quarter (in
advance) of Libra, and the
fourth house. It indicates
bad weather, and
some deaths in
Greenwich and
elsewhere. The
Stock Exchange
will be depressed. (

Partial Eclipse of
the Sun, April 6.
This falls in the
fifteenth decanate
of Scorpio in the
second house.
(Two houses
nightly.) It
threatens grave
danger of some-
thing happening.
The Stock Ex-
change will ba
distinctly flat.

Partial Eclipse of the Sun, August 31.
Thin transpires in the eleventh cusp
of Gemini in the third house on the
left. It denotes change, together with
a certain amount of stationariness. The
Stock Exchange will be horribly dull.

Total Eclipse of the Moon, September 15.

This happens in the node of Cancer
sideways. It points to events eventu-
ating, or, in some cases, otherwise.
The Stock Exchange will bo even more
sluggish than usual.

Partial Eclipse of the Sun,
September 30.

This falls out in the occultation of
Aquarius. It foreshadows the passing
of time and indicates the presence of
weather. The Stock Exchange will bo
absolutely torpid.

VI .-MOTTOES FCR THE YEAR.

A swarm of bees in Jan.
Would surprise the average man.

February fills the dykes

With skidding cars and motor-bikes.

A peck of dust in March doth bring
Contentment to a captive king.
Well, well ; a pint of ale for me
Quot viri, tot sententia.

The cuckoo comes in April,
Casts a clout in May,
Coughs full soon on the first of Jims
And sneezes all the day.

If only St. Swithin's is fine, then we
Shall have one fine day in 1 9 1 3.

Drye Auguste and warme doth harvesto

noe harme ;
Cold Auguste and wette is what wo

shall gette.

Geese have broken down and wept,
All their finer nature shocked,
At the thought of dying Sept.
Merging into new-born Oct.

Complain to your Member

Of fogs in November ;

MERCURY RISES 6 A.M.'

Punch's AlmanacR for 1913.

If it's cold in December
Complain to your Member;
He 'II see to it ! Ijor' !
It 's what Parliament 's for.

VII. THE COMING YEAR.
And now (lie Seer approaches the
dread question, "What does 1913 hold
in store for England ? " Here our ;u ( ist
IMS depicted allegoric-
ally the coming year.
How shall we interpret
it ? Ah !

In the left we see that
the historic Houses of
Parliament have been
blown up by gun-
powder. Does this in-
dicate that a modem
(IriDo FAI-X is plotting
in our midst? Or
merely that bitter dis-
cussions will rend the
House of Commons in
twain? Let us hope the
latter. 'Yet whatever
happens we are glad to
see England and Fi ance
sitting in amity side by
side; evidently the
entente cordiale is to
remain a feature of the
coining year. But why does Capital
(represented by the gentleman in the
top hat) hold up the approaching
train ? It almost seems that the motive
power of 1913 is to be electricity.

But what do we see now ? Germany
about to pull the tail of the sleeping
lion ! Britain must wake up or she
will become even as the snail such
evidently is the message of the stars.
Meanwhile the Turk and the Christian
(depicted by a silly mistake of the
artist's as a Hindoo) are
playing cards with Death
as onlooker. This seems to
foretell War in the Balkans
at no distant date. But not
only in the Near East will
there be unrest, for China
is on the warpath too,
while in the background
some naval affair appears
to be in progress. Plainly
this will be a depressed year
for the Stock Exchange.
Yet the Seer is not alto-
gether despondent of the
future. The position of
John Bull in the centre of the picture in-
dicates that it will be a good year for
bade, while the drilling of civilians in
the background may even bo a sign
that at last we are beginning to take our
responsibilities seriously and embark
upon Universal Military Training. On
the other hand it may indicate Civil
War in Ireland. The stars and the

artist are
point

not quite clear upon this

Finally we have the awful figure with
drawn sword in hand hovering over the
scene. What terrible calamity does
this portend ? Socialism ? the break-
up of the Empire ? a peerage for a
well-known financier? a scandal in
high-life ? Or is it merely a fanciful
creation of the artist's to give balance

position in the heavens. When the
moon is not only full but also directly
overhead it will- exert its maximum
northward pull upon anything which
you have planted. On the other hand,
in the absence of a moon there is
nothing whatever to drag the heads of
your tulips above the soil, and for all
your guests see of them they might
never have been planted. Try this ex-
periment and convince
yourself of .the truth of
this. Take a handful of
walnuts and sow them
ii ', the full of the moon
in good moist soil. Sow
another handful in the
sa'iie soil on the wane
of the moon. Will the
second handful come
up ? No.

"1913."

to the picture ? The stars usually so
communicative have nothing to say
upon this point. Let us leave this dire
portent and fix our last thoughts in-
stead upon the cow in the top right-
hand comer. 1913 will be pre-eminently
a good year for milk.

It is a relief to turn from these dread
matters to more homely questions.
The Seer cheerfully resumes his Guide
and Vade-mecum with his long-awaited

VIII. TIDE TABLE.

IIlCII TIDE AT SOI'THKND, APP.II, ]gl, 1913.
Stock Exchange Dull.

DC GUIDE TO THE BEST TIME FOR

PLANTING.

The influence of the moon on grow-
ing plants is now generally recognised.

_jw J ^"J *****vg**AOO**

Ihe reason is that the moon exerts an
attractive force which varies with its

Stock Exchange Dull.

X. ANTIDOTES FOR
POISONS.

Poisox. ANTIDOTE.

l.'ad Sulphuric Arid.

A'tiralc of Silver PlentyofSaJt

WiltlT. ' >

Oplutit. Stomach Primp.

fitciotdRhvbarl) Artificial tvspira-
tton and bleeding.
Red Ink Milk. . ,

It sometimes hap-
pens, however, that
the patient swallows the antidote first,
and then there is nothing for it but to
give him the poison. In the case, how-
ever, of anyone who swallowed a stomach
pump it would be useless to attempt to
bring him round with opium.

Stock Exchange Dull.

XI. A FEW HOUSEHOLD HINTS.
To remove moth from a fur-coat, paint

the coat with a solution one part treacle
and three parts brandy,
and place it on the lawn
at nightfall. An hour
later, arm yourself with a
bull's-eye lantern and a
butterfly net and go out
in pursuit of the moths
many hundreds of which
will be found to have col-
lected on the coat. When
captured they should be
placed in your killing
bottle, and transferred at
leisure afterwards to your
collecting box.
A boot or shoe that

pinches should be smacked and stood in

the corner until bed-time. This will

cure it of the habit.

To soften the head hold it in boiling

water for three hours every day. ;
A disused compass cannot be put to

any other practicable use.

Stock Exchange Dull.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.

Lady. "I THINK YOU 'D BETTER GO TO ONE OP THE HOUSES AND ASK THEM WHEBE WE ABE?"
Ca'iby. "Loa 1 BLESS YEB, MUM, TBEY WON'T KNOW!"

XII. PALMISTRY.

regular time - tables due
break-downs on the line.
d. Saturdays Only.

The art of palmistry, to which our
ancestors attached considerable im-
portance, is sufficiently explained in the
above diagram. The seer is not re-
sponsible for any departure from the

Stock Exchange Dull.

Mr. Punch now begs to take
leave of his readers. Owing
to pressure on space and the
occultation of Aries upon Mer-
cury, he has been compelled to
withhold information on divers
matters ; the following being
among the sections omitted ;
Table for Estimating Stand-
ing Crops.

What a Horse can do.
Architecture.
Etiquette of Mourning.
How to make a Hundred at
Billiards.

The Influence of the Stars
on Modern Thought.

Growth of the National
Debt.

Twelve Eules for Saving
Life at Sea

and

Approximate Table for En-
dowment Policies per 100 insured.

Nevertheless he is convinced that
ho has added to the sum of human
knowledge, and that he has ensured
the happiness of his readers in the

coming year. With a final warning to
Vegetarians, the Bald, and Players of

THE RlQHT TIME FOB PLANTING

(see SECT. IX.).

Badminton to beware the moath of
February, tho Soer makes his bow.
Vaktc ! A. A. M.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

A l.KADIV; MOTOR JOURNAL 8CGOEBT8 THAT SOME SYSTEM OF SIGNALLING MIGHT BB ADOPTED AT IMPOKTANT POINTS ON OUR JIAIN
THOROUGHFARES FOB THE BETTEB REGULATION OF TBAFFIC.

liR. PCKCa OFFEES A FANCY PICTURE OF HYDE PARK CORNER ABOUT THE YEAR 1019.

A CENTENARY OF PROGRESS.

(Trousers were first

A HUNDRED years ago. It is not mine
To sing, as others of my species may,

Of some high beacon that arose to shine
And dazzle future history. Truth to say,

Historical research is not my line,
Nor do I need it. My superior lay

Thrills to no great fight won or great king born

I sing the year when trousers first were worn.

Small chance, until this great refreshment came,
Had any man. Whate'er his views might be,

The bifurcations on his nether frame

Ended too surely somewhere near the knee.

Whether he had a soul attuned to shame,
Or one from such refinement nobly free,

He must betray, to women and to men,

His utmost self. 'Twas legs or nothing then.

But all was changed. And meagre man could
hide

His spindly weakness from the vulgar's chaff,
While even he who took a buxom pride

In the orbed turning of a conscious calf
Saw a new comfort not to be denied

In this strange gear ; and, having come to laugh,
.Remained to don, and won by slow degrees
A nascent modesty with this new ease.

introduced a Imndred years ago.)

And thus it chanced that, where the spell was cast,
Virtues beyond mere coyness grew apace

For out of one come many till at last
A .wide urbanity assumed the place

Of the swashbuckling swagger of the past ;

The West grew kindlier ; and each trousered race,

Full of new worth, looks back, and finds it grow

From that great change, a hundred years ago.

And thou, nameless One, that didst invent
These gentle togs, to be for future days

A tool of Progress and an instrument

Of Peace, accept our full centennial praise.

Nor does the poet grudge the time he 's spent
On this his ode (providing someone pays)

In memory of him who wrought this boon,

Which still endures, and shall not wither soon.

A hundred years. It seems how long to us ;

And yet what is it in the cosmic view ?
A fleeting penn'orth on an pld-world 'bus ;

And we ourselves, how paltry and how new !
It would be well to shun vainglorious fuss,

And ponder, while these garments we indue,
How, in the immemorial Eastern clime,
Women have worn them from the birth of Time.

DUM-DUM.

Punch's Almanack for 1913.

FANCY AND FACT.

(The Dangers of Hunting.)

AS GATUEIIED BY NOX-HUNTINO WIVES FROM THE AFTER-DINNER CONVERSATION OF SPORTSMEN.

AS MUCH MORE OFTEN OBSERVED.

Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.

JANUARY 1, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PAVING STONES FOR - .

THIS year I am going to be very
circumspect and sensible. I have made
; up my mind to leave off many old
habits. Let us not speak of " good reso-
lutions," because they carry breakage
with them ; let us call them wise
resolves and give them a chance; or
we might go even farther and call them
hopeless endeavours, and then perhaps
much would result, for this is a world of
surprises. '

My first resolve will be to get in first
with the phrase, " A happy New Year."
I have never done this yet; it has
al ways -been left to me to mako the
trite rejoinder, " Same to you, and many
nf thorn." But this year I will be first.

I will give up being imitative and
secondary in other ways, too. I will be
more original. I will make a start by
taking Yorkshire pudding with mutton.

I will get up earlier.

I will be punctual for breakfast.

I will remember that champagne
doesn't always agree with me.

I shall, of course, go on playing golf
every day of the year, because I' believe
that only thus can England maintain
her greatness ; but I hereby resolve to
have more pity on those who do not
play it and never talk of the game in
their company.

I will read a chapter of some good
author every night before going to
sleep.

I noticed now and then in 1912 a
tendency on the part of my friends to
tell me the same story twice or even
thrice. This is a serious danger and
I must myself be on guard against it.
I have therefore bought a little Where
is it ? and have written the names of
the best stories in my repertory on the
top of each page. This year I mean to

write underneath them the names of all
the persons to whom I tell them, and
thus I can avoid repetition.

I will weed out and send back all
the books I have borrowed. I will
send round a note asking for mine.

I will never lend any more books.

I will be stronger. I will withhold
tips from waiters, taxi-drivers and so
forth who have not been attentive and
capable. I will tip only the deserving.

I will make that long-deferred list of
the things I want in my bag, and so
for ever cease to forget the strop.

I will answer letters the same day.

P.S. I don't think.

" Messrs. have discovered a Van dj

Velde painting in making a valuation for
insurance, and have privately disposed of it
lor nearly 1,000." Daily Mirror.

But oughtn't they to have told the
owner about it ?

\ n 1 . . 1 X I . I V .

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^

[JANUAHY 1, 1913.

CHARIVARIA.

IT was interesting to note that, when
the newspapers reappeared on Boxing
Day, after their Christinas holiday, the
news had also played the game. There
was none. $ *

" A CHRISTMAS GABLAND. Woven by
Max Beerbohm (2nd Imp)." Thus an
advertisement. We don't know who is
playing First Imp, but he must be a
very clever man. ^ ^
*

The rank of Captain having been
bestowed on the Elder Brethren of
Trinity House, Mr. ASQUITH is now
entitled to that appellation. To avoid
misconception as to their relative posi-
tions, Mr. REDMOND, it is said, intends
to insist on being made a Major.

S: :;:

A play by Lady LEVEB, entitled
The Insurance Act, was performed the
other night at the North Camberwell
Eadical Club. From the title we
imagine the play to be a comedy.

* *
*

In the new issue of the Post Office
Directory a Birch Rod Maker advertises
his abode, and he is said to be annoyed
with one of the daily papers for draw-
ing attention to the fact. Crowds of
small boys, according to our informa-
tion, are threatening to surround the
house, and police protection may be
inecessary. ... ...

i We are sorry to hear that, as a result
6f over one million persons having
visited the Zoo this year, some of the
inmates are showing signs of conceit.
The Wart Hog is said to have petitioned
for a looking-glass.

* :

At Corbeil, France, last week, in the
course of a trial, the judge boxed the
ears of counsel. This is .very seldom
done over here, where our judges have
other methods of raising "laughter in
court." ,.. ...

The Standard published as a supple-
ment the other day :

" ITALY
Edited by Reginald Harris. ' '

Look out shortly for :

. TURKEY ;
Edited by the Conference of London.

From New York comes the news
that the Copper King has been divorced.
These scandals in royal families are
becoming too frequent.
*J*

"The claims of the married blue-
jacket for better treatment," says The
Express, "are discussed in ' O.H.M.S.' "

We trust that Bailors' wives, whom we
had never suspected of peculiar asperity,

will take note of this.

-.;: '.-

"There are evidences," says Mr.
FREDERICK ENOCH, " which show that
caterpillars have profound intellects."
It seems a pity that they sbould after-
wards be content with a mere butterfly
existence. ,.; .. ;;

A scarcity of cows is reported from
some parts of the country. It is thought
that this may lead to the motor- bus
companies once more devoting their
attention to the evolution of a satisfac-
tory cow-catcher.

Some individuals at Hanover, who
call themselves Terraphages, have
pledged themselves to eat nothing but
earth. Now that the motor traffic so
frequently makes us bite the dust, the
accomplishment seems scarcely worth
making so much fuss about.

* '

" Alvin Hornberger, who was wanted
for passing forged notes, was traced
by the marks of his false teeth in an
unfinished cheese -sandwich." Guess
where this happened. " America ? "
Right!

CHARACTER -AND -DESTINY CHATS.

By SYBIL.

" ROSEBUD." Dear little eighteen-
year-old City Typist, yours is the
sunny nature for which a sunny future
seems assured. I have nothing but
good news for you. If all be well, you
will be very happy. The crystal tells
me that at no very distant date your
fate seems likely to be linked with that
of another, but as to whether that
other is the fair, curly-haired young
man who travels with you every
morning by the Shepherd's Bush Tube,
or the dark young man who chatted
with you on the top of a motor-bus,
Isis is silent. (Would you like me to
consult the Black Bowl of Buddha on
this point? For this, with the extra
psychic force required, I should have
to charge 1 10s.)

" PHCEBE." He may be all you
think him, or even all you think you
think him. Go bravely forward. When
the clouds roll away from your horizon,
the sky will be clear. The lock of hair
you send lias had a stain applied to it
and has been acquainted with a well-
known curler, all of which shows you
to be of a hopeful, courageous disposi-
tion, determined to make the best of
things. If there were more such women
as you, there would be fewer of other
kinds ! (My fee for an ordinary reading
is 1 Is., not 1.)

" PREVIOUS EXISTENCE." Yes, cer-
tainly I can, after some little concen-
tration and preparation, take you back
through all your previous incarnations.
The fee is progressive, starting at
1 Is., and doubling with each previous
individuation. (From what I can sense,
through your letter and the lock of
hair, I should say some of your former
existences have been of a thrilling and
extraordinary kind !)

" ANXIOUS." I have looked into your
future with special reference to the
letter you would be so glad to receive.
Yes, I have seen a letter for you, but
as the flap of the envelope was towards
me, I cannot say what sort of hand the
address was written in.

" LOBNA." You are apparently quite
justified in all you think of yourself.
You seem indeed to have every gift,
physical and mental. Use your powers
of fascination gently. Do not break
hearts and desolate lives. Your hand-
writing is very characteristic and dis-
tinctive (there are two p's in appear),
and the lock of hair is of the rarest
shade of chestnut. For such a subject
as yourself, to whom a singular, per-
haps dazzling, destiny seems coming,
the crystal and even the Black Bowl of
Buddha are scarcely adequate. You
had better let me consult the stars.
(My fee for this, taking into considera-
tion the strain on the eyes and on the
psychic faculties and the risk of taking
cold, is 2 2s.).

"AMBITIOUS." There can be no doubt
that you are fitted for something even
higher than to be a social leader in
the Garden Suburb, Popplewell Green.
You wish to know if in the coming
time you will realise your ambition and
" get into really good society." I have
looked into the golden mists of your
future, and I have seen faintly adum-
brated the form of a woman robed in
satin and adorned with gems receiving
crowds of well-dressed and evidently
high-born guests; but whether that
woman is yourself, time alone will
show! (All postal orders sent me
should be crossed.)

" JUST A LARK." You say, in your
own deplorable phrase, that you were
" getting at " me, that all your state-
ments were false, and that the lock of
hair sent was cut from a pet dog.
Such conduct is beneath contempt.
Since receiving this second communi-
cation I have again looked into your
future. I should be sorry to tell even
such a person as you what I have
seen.

"INQUISITIVE." No, I know nothing
of the methods of Rooli-Tooti-Lal, the
Indian mystic, whose Psychic Parlour
in Edgware Road was closed by the
police.

PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY I, 1913.

BY FAVOUK OF THE ENEMY.

CAPTAIN ASQUITH (observing from battlements a difference of opinion in the ranks of Hie besieging army).
IF THIS GOES ON WE OUGHT TO HAVE A CHANCE OP BE-VICTUALLING."

JANUARY 1, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CLARIFYING COMMENTS.

By TIBERIUS MUDD.
I MUST offer my heartiest con-
gratulations to The, Skittish Weekly on
its 2,000th number. The proprietors
of this admirable journal have always
been true to the main aim they set
before themselves at the outset to
combine spirituality with "snap," the
higher criticism with the personal
note. Amongst those who at one time
or another have enriched its pages by
their contributions are Lord Soper, Sir
Jenery Bunn, Sir Gulliver Stodge, the
Rev. Dr. Inigo Slobb, the Countess
Schunck, Mrs. Chillingham Cattley,
and Professor Folsoin Ould, whose
"one minute sertnonettes " have been
such an alluring item in The Skittish
Weekly for the last few years. I rejoice
to think that the unimpaired vitality of
this splendid periodical will be mani-
fested in a number of new and un-
precedented features during the forth-
coming year, notably comic obituary
notices of authors who are still alive ;
accounts of the wardrobes of Dr.
JOHNSON, COLERIDGE, KEATS, G. B.
SHAW and JOHN GALSWORTHY ; and a
series of autobiographical sketches
under the attractive caption, " How I
got my Peerage."

Great interest is excited by the an-
nouncement of the impending publica-
tion of a new religious weekly paper to
be called Balm. The new venture,
which will be published by the Din-
widdies, will cater not only for the
spiritual but the literary needs of
members of the Free Churches and
will be edited by the Rev. Chadwick
Bandman, pastor of Zion Church,
Stoke-under-Ham. Mr. Bandman, who
was recently presented with a roller-top
desk and a complete canteen of cutlery
and silver by his congregation on the
occasion of his marriage to Miss
Hephzibah Muxloe, daughter of Dr.
Minsey Muxloe, is a richly persuasive
preacher. Not long ago, while attend-
ing Zion Church, I saw the wife of a
Cabinet Minister in a front pew, wear-
ing the most beautiful furs, and irre-
proachably gowned in other respects.

I have been considerably impressed
by the brilliancy of recent issues of
The Bludgeon. For some time past one
felt that literature was suffering from
the unduly lax and conciliatory tone
adopted by our leading journals in their
literary criticisms. This tendency has
found an admirable corrective in the
splendid articles of the editor, Mr. Ixie
Dipsett, who now intends to add a new
feature to his paper under the arresting
title of " The Gibbet," where " the

Lady (to Messrs. Cook's official). "I HAVE NOTHING TO DECLARE. WHAT SHALL I BAY?"
Official. "SAY, MADAM, THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DECLABE."
Lady. "YES; BUT SUPPOSE THEY FIND SOMETHING?"

worst book of the week " will be faith-
fully dealt with. I understand that the
staff of the paper has recently been
reinforced by the accession of that
trenchant young publicist, Mr. Under-
wood Cutts, whom I recently had the
pleasure of meeting at the hospitable
board of my old friend, Dr. Doyly
Springett. Mr. Cutts's novel, Lethal
Love, published by the Dodders, is
certainly a very startling work. I hear
that the CHANCELLOR OP THE EX-
CHEQUER read it through at a sitting
on a recent week-end visit to Criccieth.

The weekly prize of 5s., or a copy of
the Rev. Offley Bolsover's Soul Food,
for the best paragraph contributed to
this column, has been awarded to the
author of the communication relating
to Balm. For the ensuing week the
prize will be awarded to the writer of
the ten best rhymes on the model of the
head-lines in a recent number of The
Pall Mall Gazette : " Can you name a

Kitten? By Wilfred Whitten." As
examples for the use of competitors I
give "The Outrage in Delhi. By MARIE
COHELLI " ; " Chatter about Jane Porter.
By C. K. SHORTER"; and "Are Dis-
senters Fickle? By Sir ROBERTSON
NICOLL."

I cannot better close this week's
Comments than by printing a letter
handed on to me by the Editor.

TIBERIUS MUDD.

DEAR SIR, It is with the most un-
feigned delight that I see we are going
to have a serial by Tiberius Mudd,
entitled " The Cure of Souls." If there
is an author whose works I admire it is
he. They are so clean, soul-shaking
and winsome.

Yours faithfully, X. Y. Z.

What to do with our Bishops.

" Bishop of St. John is Concentrated."
Manitoba Free Press.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 1, 1913.

MORE SUCCESSFUL LIVES.

VI. THE COLLECTOR.
WHEN Peter Plimsoll, tho Glue King,
died, his parting advice to his sons tc
stick to the business was follows
only by John, the elder. Adrian, the
younger, had a soul above adhesion
He disposed of his share in the concern
and settled down to follow the life of a
gentleman of taste and culture ant
(more particularly) patron of the arts
Ho began in a modest way by collect-
ing ink-pots. His range at first wa,
catholic, and it was not until he had
acquired a hundred and forty-seven
ink-pots of various designs that he
decided to make a speciality of historic
ones. This decision was hastened
by the discovery that one of QUEEN
ELIZABETH'S inkstands supposed (by
the owner) to be the identical one with
whose aid she wrote her last letter to
BALEIGH was about to be put on the
market. At some expense Adrian ob-
tained an introduction, through a third
party, to the owner; at more expense
the owner obtained, through the same
gentleman, an introduction to Adrian ;
and in less than a month the great
Elizabeth Ink-pot was safely esta-
blished in Adrian's house. It was the
beginning of the " Plimsoll Collection.

This was twenty years ago. Let us
to-day take a walk through the gal-
leries of Mr. Adrian Plimsoll's charming
residence, which, as the world knows,
overlooks the pirk. Any friend of mine
is always welcome at Number Fifteen.
We will start with the North Gallery ;
I fear that I shall only have time to
point out a few of the choicest gems.

This is a Pontesiori sword of the
thirteenth century the only example
of the master's art without any notches.
On the left is a Capricci comfit-box.
If you have never heard of Capricci,
you oughtn't to come to a house like
this.

Here we have before us the historic
de Montigny topaz. Ask your little boy
to tell you about it.

In the East Gallery, of course, the
chief treasure is the Santo di Santo
amulet, described so minutely in his
Vindicia Veritatis by John of Flanders.
The original MS. of this book is in
the South Gallery. You must glance
at it when we get there. It will save
you the trouble of ordering a copy
from your library ; they would be sure
to keep you waiting. . . .

With some such words as these I
lead my friends round Number Fifteen.
The many treasures in the private parts
of the house I may not show, of course ;
the bathroom, for instance, in which
hangs the finest collection of portraits
of philatelists that Europe can boast.

You must spend a night with Adrian to
be admitted to their company; and, as
one of the elect, I can assure you tha
nothing can be more stimulating on a
winter's morning than to catch the eye
of Frisby Dranger, F.Pli.S., behinc"
the taps as your head first emerges
from the icy waters.

-:; :: -::- -" -"

Adrian Plimsoll sat at breakfast, sip
ping his hot water and crumbling a
dry biscuit. A light was in his eye, a
flush upon his pallid countenance. He
had just heard from a trusty agent that
the Scutori breast-plate had been seen
in Devonshire. His car was ready to
take him to the station.

But alas ! a disappointment awaited
him. On close examination the breast-
plate turned out to be acommon Risoldo
of inferior working. Adrian left the
house in disgust and started on his
seven-mile walk back to the station.
To complete his misery a sudden storm
came on. Cursing alternately his agent
and Eisoldo, he made his way to a
cottage and asked for shelter.

An old woman greeted him civilly
and bade him come in.

" If I may just wait till the storm is
over," said Adrian, and he sat down in
her parlour and looked appraisingly
(as was his habit) round the room. The
grandfather clock in the corner was
genuine, but he was beyond grandfather
clocks. There was nothing else of any
value : three china dogs and some odd
trinkets on the chimney-piece ; a print
or two

Stay ! What was that behind the
youngest dog ?

" May I look at that old bracelet ? "
lie asked, his voice trembling a little ;
and without waiting for permission he
walked over and took up the circle of
iarnished metal in his hands. As he
sxamined it his colour came and went,
nis heart seemed to stop beating. With
a .tremendous effort he composed him-
self and returned to his chair.

It was the Emperor's Bracelet !

Of course you know the history of
this most famous of all bracelets. Made
!>y SPURIUS QUINTUS of Eome in
47 B.C., it was given by C.ESAH to CLEO-
PATRA, who tried without success to
dissolve it in vinegar. Eeturning to
Eome by way of ANTONY, it was worn
at a minor conflagration by NEKO, after
which it was lost sight of for many
centuries. It was eventually heard of
during the reign of CANUTE (or KNUT,
as his admirers called him) ; and JOHN
s known to have lost it in the Wash,
whence it was recovered a century after-
wards. It must have travelled thence
.o France, for it was seen once in the
wssession of Louis XL; and from there
o Spain, for PHILIP THE HANDSOME

presented it to JOANNA on her wedding
day. COLUMHUS took it to America, but
fortunately brought it back again ;
PKTKR THE GREAT threw it at an in-
different musician ; on one of its later
visits to England POPE wrote a couplet
to it. And the most astonishing tiling
in its whole history was that now for
more than a hundred years it had
vanished completely. To turn up again
in a little Devonshire cottage ! Verily
truth is stranger than fiction.

" That 's rather a curious bracelet of
yours, "said Adrian casually. "My er
wife has one just like it which she
asked me to match. Is it an old friend,
or would you care to sell it ? "

" My mother gave it me," said the
old woman, " and she had it from hers.
I don't know no further than that. I
didn't mean to sell it, but

" Quite right," said Adrian, " and,
after all, I can easily get another."

" But I won't say a bit of money
wouldn't be useful. What would you
think a fair price, Sir ? Five shillings ? "

Adrian's heart jumped. To get the
Emperor's bracelet for five shillings !

But the spirit of the collector rose
up strong within him. He laughed
kindly.

" My good woman," he said, " they
iurn out bracelets like that in Birming-
ham at two shillings apiece. And quite
new. I '11 give you tenpence."

"Make it one - and - sixpence," she
pleaded. " Times are hard."

Adrian reflected. He was not,
strictly speaking, impoverished. He
could afford one-and-sixpence.

" One-and-tuppence," he said.

" No, no, one-and-sixpence," she re-
peated obstinately.

Adrian reflected again. After all, he
could always sell it for ten thousand
pounds, if the worst came to the worst.

" Well, well," he sighed. " One-and-
sixpence let it be."

fie counted out the money carefully.
Then, putting the precious bracelet in
lis pocket, he rose to go.

Adrian has no relations living now.
When he dies he proposes to leave
;he Plimsoll Collection to the nation,
laving as far as he can foresee no
)articular use for it in the next world.
This is really very generous of him,
and no doubt, when the time comes, the
papers will say so. But it is a pity that
cannot be appreciated properly in
lis lifetime. Personally I should like

see him knighted. A. A. M.

Wanted from 3 to 500 acres of land for
hooting." Adrt. in "East Anglian Times."

Je should get the three acres anyway.
'Three acres and a pheasant" is the
birthright of every British sportsman.

JANUARY 1, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Energetic Mother. "WHAT A LAZY EON I "

Honald. "On, I BAY, REALLY, MOTHEB! HANO IT ALL I CAN'T A FELLOW LIE ON THE SOFA FOB TEN MINUTES WITHOUT BEING
SWORN AT?"

TO THE LOANERS OF LIGHT.

(A New Year Thanksgiving.)

NOT to him, to the lord of the lyre, to Apollo,
Who leers at me faintly from under a hood,

Do I turn me this morning. A reed that is hollow !
I spurn, I renounce him. (Did someone say " Good ? "

You are tired of Apollo, the praise of his mercies,
The roll of his titles ? You can't see the need

Of these lengthy preambles '? You think to be terse is

Dash it all, my good Sir, am I writing these verses
Or are you ?) To proceed :

1 was saying that not to Apollo the master,
I turn on this opening morn of the year;

lie hath crumbled away like an idol of plaster,

He hath hardly been with ino since August was here ;

Not to him did I owe it to light or to warm me
As up to Parnassus I measured my pace

Through the wan Autumn days, unremittingly stormy,

13ut the Borough ; I 've just had their note to inform me
That this was the case.

Very godlike and fair are the ways of the Borough,
They dip not in ocean their westering feet,

But the bard is dependent on them for a thorough
Supply of illuminant, also of heat;

If I sang you a song that you fancied was sweeter
Than others, dear reader, they swelled the perfume ;

It was they who inspired and inspected the meter,

It was they who installed the electrical heater
That stands in my room.

star that lay hidden undreamt of for seons !
O fire that the breadth of a city can span !

power that was puffed not aforetime with paeans,
Whoso prophet and priest is the Council's young man !

He tells how the currents, in flashes of blue knit,

Have lighted the minstrel in hours that are gone,
When he comes to that box with a lever to tune it,
And, although I can't think what he means by a unit,
I never let on.

No oracles now have the drinkers of nectar

Who rest on the rainless Olympian hill,
But the Borough repeatedly send their inspector

(Who flirts with Elizabeth), also their bill ;

1 turn to them, therefore, their kindliness wooing,
And thanking them much for their boon of the past,

With a prayer that the same which I purpose renewing
May cost me much less for the quarter ensuing

Tban it did for the last. EVOE.

"Windows with Guards can be loft open at all times giving a
healthy, sanitary condition, at the same time perfect security against
Burglars or children falling out." Adi:t.

We should hate to think of a burglar falling out of our
window and hurting himself.

Thoughts on Christmas Day, 1912.
Why doss an air of peace and pure goodwill

Breathe o'er the turkey, lap the brandied plum,
Like to a Sabbath morn's, but milder still ?

Because to-day the Party Press is dumb !

For the passing of a Damp Tear.
Wring out the Old, ring in the New.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 1, 1913.

GREEN JEALOUSY.

MY appetite for tea had been miser
ably spoilt by my having to listen t
the virtues of a model young ma
whom Josephine and her mother ha
come across at a bazaar.

Before such excellence I was cowec
into silence. However, tea at las
came to an end, and her mother will
exemplary tact had found an excuse t
withdraw.

" I will leave my little girl to amuse
you," she said archly, at the door.

" If you promise not to tell," I sai(
to mother's little girl as I returned to
the fireplace, " I '11 have that last pieo
of brown bread-and-butter, and you
can have another cup of tea. Shal
wo?"

" Well, perhaps I will have just hal
a cup."

" That makes your fourth," I re
minded her. " To-morrow you '11 come
out in spots and your complexion wil
be ruined. Now it 's your turn to
amuse," I added. " Come, amuse me
I 'm waiting, Josephine. You hearc
what your mother said. You know
you 're not amusing me properly."

But in the end it was bound to come
to it ; I had to provide my own enter-
tainment.

"The other night I went to the
Maxwells'," I observed carelessly,
settling back in my chair. Josephine
paused with her cup half-way to her
mouth and looked up in surprise.

" Why, I thought you never went to
dances," she said.

" I don't, as a rule." I slipped down
in the chair, prepared to enjoy myself,
and, crossing my legs, gazed wistfully
up at the ceiling. "It was a very
nice dance," I added. " Won't you
drink up your tea ? " Josephine buried
her face in it, and for a while silence
ensued. " A very nice dance, indeed,"
I repeated, partly to myself. " Let me
put down your cup for you ! "

"Thanks, I can manage." From
the corner of my eye I watched her
pick up a crumb she was nursing and
carefully put it into the fire. "So
you enjoyed yourself?" she said, still
intent on the crumbs.

"I couldn't very well help it," I
replied ; " I had an adventure. No, I
didn't tread on anyone's frock 'or
upset the sandwiches, if that 'a what
you 're thinking of. Oh, dear, no ! "

Nothing so conventional, I sup-
pose," she murmured, " that is for
you."

" There was one beautiful young girl
in particular," I went on affably, " who
took a great fancy to mo. The daring
way she Well, I ' m sure people
must have noticed. Dear little girl ! "

and I wafted an airy kiss at th
ceiling.

" Perhaps your tie wasn't straight ?
she suggested.

" No, it wasn't that. And thor
were no smuts on my nose, and no on
had been chalking things on my back
I especially asked Henry, to make sure
Ho said it was clearly a case. That '
what your own brother Henry said."

" I don't believe it," said Josephii

simply.

" No, neither did I, at first. Come
bo a sportsman, Josephine! Don'
grudge me my little triumphs ! Shal
I show you how I smiled at her? "

I showed her. She broke into a
loud inconsequent peal of laughter, bu
I took out my cigarette-case and waitec
patiently for it to subside.

" This isn't a smoking-compartmen

-at least, it doesn't say so on the
window, but may I ? Have one, too ?
No, not that one ; he 's put his fool
through his nightshirt . . . his little
bedfellow on the right."

I lit a match for her, and lapsec
again into silence, musing and lazily
blowing smoke rings at the shepherdes
on the mantelpiece.

" She has beautiful dreamy brown
eyes," I resumed, tenderly stroking my
chin. " Her name 's Winnie, short for
Winifred, you know little Winnie."

" How nice! " said Josephine. Jose-
phine's eyes are blue.

" Yes, she was," I agreed ; " you 'd be
surprised. Give me brown eyes, say I,
for the winter months, at any rate.

And as for her complexion "Words

'ailed me for describing her complexion.
' Oh yes, and she has beautiful rich
chestnut hair. Eolls and rolls of it."

"Beally," said Josephine. Jose-
>hine's hair is a summer complete in
tself.

" Yes, I 'm very fond of that-coloured
aair. What a pity you don't take
nore care of your complexion 1 I did
ell you her name, didn't I? Pretty
lame, Winifred."

I rolled it round on my tongue
everal times, to get the full flavour of
t. The "fred " begins to sound rather
unny at the ninth or tenth time of
aying. Then I added my surname,
o see how it sounded with that. The
prnbination was distinctly melodious,
ickling the ear.

" Now let us dip into the future," I
aid, when I was tired of repeating it.

I dipped into the future by taking
ut an old envelope, writing our two
ames on the back of it, and crossing
ut the letters common to both. I
uietly handed her the answer.

" There you are. Love on both

Why, what on earth 's the matter,
osephine ? "

There was a suspicious noise in he
throat, she had her hands to her eyes
and her cigarette had fallen to th<
floor. Poor jealous Josephine ! It was
that bit about the hair that did it ; sb
is very proud of her hair. I got up in
alarm and went over to her, but her
hands resisted my efforts to remove
them.

" Forgive me, Josephine ! " I whis
pered penitently. " I was a brute, and I
was only teasing you, and there isn't
a Winifred at all, or or anyone,
didn't mean to ... at least, I did, but
I didn't think you . . . For Heaven's
sake, don't cry /"

At that she looked up indignantly t
with one eye, however, still hermetically
closed.

" I wasn't crying," she said, " it was
ihe smoke. It it went the wro;
way. And, anyhow, I knew the
wasn't a Winifred." So she said.

I think I did it rather well.

PET!

[" . . .be there, love ! " " Yes, pet ! ' 'Frag-
nent of conversation accidentally overheard on
he Telephone.]

?ORGIVE my 'phone's unwitting lapse,
Or operator's joke, perhaps,

In wafting me this snippet !
The wires, no doubt, were fused or

crossed,
And tantalizingly was lost

The rest that left your lip, Pet.

3ut on a fairly recent date
It seemed a tea and tete-a-tete

Were topics " on the carpet ; "
)on't be alarmed I'll play the game
T didn't catch your caller's name,
And don't know who you are, Pet !

Did walls had ears in modern use
'hey 've voices, too, which reproduce
Your chatter like a trumpet ;
lavesdropping as I didn't ought,
had to interrupt I thought
I couldn't well be dumb, Pet.

io have no fear I know no more
)f what you planned than Adam, or

A Punch-and- Judy's puppet ;
nd at the appointed trysting-place
Much as I 'd like to see your face)

For one, I shan't turn up, Pet.

y wanderjahr is o'er I roam

o longer now, but stick at home

And emulate the limpet ;
for do I move in circles where
They call one " pet " I shouldn't care

To clash at all with him, Pet !

jet other " numbers " bill and coo
nd fatuously whisper through :
" My love, my duck, my poppet ! "

bus'ness with the telephone
s in a far more peevish tone
There let the matter drop, Pet !

ZIG-ZAG.

JANUARY l. 1913.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.

SHOULD THEY BE MADE TO BE BROKEN? IT 1>UPKSI>S KNT1UI.I.Y ON Till: WlfK CHOICE OP ONI'.'S RESOLUTIONS.

GENERAL SIB THOMAS GOBOEB, PEELING THAT ENGLAND is, LADY THUMPINOTON, DISAPPKOVINO OF THE TENDENCY OF

011 SHOULD BE, FOB THE ENGLISH, RESOLVES TO ABSTAIN FBOM PEOPLE WITH INADEQUATE INCOMES TO PLAY AUC

PATBONIZING EIGHTEEN-PENNY SOHO BESTAUBANTS. TO REFUSE, FOB THE FUTURE, TO PLAY FOB LESS THAN HALF-A-

CBOWN A HUNDRED.

MlSS L.OVALL, TO CURB HER MERCENARY INCLINATIONS, DECIDES AND CAPTAIN KEMPTON RESOLVES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AKD

THAT DURING 1913 SHE WILL FLIRT WITH ANY NICE-LOOKING MAN, GIVE ONE TO HIS FRIENDS, ENTIRELY DISREGARDING THK PURELY

IRRESPECTIVE OF WHAT HIS INCOME HAPPENS TO BE. PEBSONAL DISCOMFORT OF GETTING. INTO DEBT.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 1, 1913.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL."

Arclilt. "TBTS is THE LIMIT; I'M GOING." Reggie. "WAIT HALF A JIIT; H3 IIAT BCIW HIMSELF."

THE SONGSHOP.

THE prospectus of the Songshop, an
institution which is shortly to be
opened in the heart of Bloomsbury,
under the aegis of the Songsmiths'
Friendly Society and in close connection
with The Minstrels' Magazine, has just
reached us and calls for immediate and
sympathetic notice.

The advantages of maintaining a
periodical in connection with a Songshop
are convincingly driven home in the
prospectus. In The Minstrels' Magazine
they will recommend the public what
to read ; in the Songshop they will sell
them what they have recommended.

More than that, however, they are
prepared to afford special facilities to
those anxious to study the art of lyrical
expression under the most favourable
conditions. The premises being most
extensive, rooms will be let at a moder-
ate rate to meritorious minstrels. These
will be known as Nests and will be
equipped with all the necessary imple-
ments of inspiration hammocks to
provide that gentle motion which is so
essential to metrical utterance ; paper
of different vivid colours to fit the
chequered emotions of the singer;

Pierian fountain pens ; spring mat-
tresses for spring poets ; and a constant
supply of light and phosphorescent
refreshment.

The songs of nightingales, larks,
cuckoos, and other birds associated
with poetic stimulus will be reproduced
faithfully on the gramophone.

Tenants of the Nests will not be
under any compulsion to produce a
fixed number of lines every day, but
they will naturally be expected to throw
in their lot with those who are en-
deavouring to enlarge the borders of
true art. 'ihe art of the Songshop will
have nothing to say to sterile formalism,
empty rhetoric, jingling rhymes or flat
heavy blank-verse. Yet the line must
be drawn somewhere ; " formlessness
i is only permissible when it is absolutely
necessaiy," and the Songsmiths "will
uphold a positive distinction between
prose and verse."

Lord AVEBUBY, who, according to
The Sunday Times, is a contributor to
the January number of The Poetry
Review, has permanently engaged one
of the largest Nests, which is built in
the form of a Beehive, where it is ex-
pected that he will shortly make things
IHIIII. The cuisine of the Songshop

will be under his special charge, and he
has already made a metrical list of the
Hundred Best Cooks, headed with the
motto, " The hand that holds the ladle
rules the world." Mr.HEHBERT TRENCH,
the author of the famous Illuminated
Symphony, who has repeatedly been
pronounced by some of the most gifted
press agents to be the greatest living
poet, will be attached to the institution
as Polychromatic Adviser, and Mr.
PARIS SINGEK, Mr. WILKIE BARD, Mrs.
ORMISTON CHANT and Mr. HENRY BIRD
will, it is hoped, form a House Com-
mittee, whose special duty will be to
watch over the warblers and, when
nscessary, extricate them from pre-
carious metrical positions.

"Of course, much of the interest which
invested last Saturday's local Agamemnon
was of a partisan character." Sporting Mail.
Unfortunately the local Armageddon,
who plays full-back, was absent.

From an Osborne Cadet's examin-
ation paper :

" Q. Explain the geographical position and
importance of Simla.

".4. Simla is the place where all the no-
torious people of India go when Calcutta gets
too hot for them."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 1, 1913.

A TANGLED SKEIN.

THE NEW YEAR. "I RAY, AUNT EUROPA, YOU HAVE GOT THIS THING INTO A MUDDLE.
IT 'LL- TAKE US ALL OUR TIME TO GET IT RIGHT."

JANUARY 1, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

YEB

Pat (to traveller staying at Irish inn who has rung at 7 a.m. for hot water). "

HONOUR, BUT I HAVE IT HEBE, AN* THE LBMON8 AN 1 SUGAR, TOO."

SUBE, 'TIS A THBIFLE EABLY FOB THB HOT WATHEB,

SNAPDRAGON.

LONG ago, long ago in the land of Shan-tung,

When the world was attractive and magic and young,

Mid the mild pterodactyls the Snapdragon slew,

And hia breath was a flame of hot yellow and blue ;

He'd pounce, where they played with their primitive

toys,

Upon fat little raisin-faced Chinaman boy8,
And he 'd swoop with a snap, as they combed out their

curls,

Upon fat little almond-eyed Chinaman girls ;
And in fact he went on in so tiresome a way
That the greatest of Chams became filled with dismay,
And he said, " Lest the Snapdragon guzzle and gorge
Every kid in our kingdom, let 's send for ST. GEORGE ! "

Tlio Saint soon appeared, riding stately and slow,
On a charger as white as the new-driven snow ;
His shield it was silver, his lance tough and strong,
And his two-handed sword most prodigiously long ;
But his face it was gentle and merry and kind,
The best sort of face for a fighter, you '11 find,
And he pulled on his helmet and tightened a strap,
And he cried, "Where's the dragon who calls himself

Snap?"

Then the dragon rushed out and the dust and the din.
Of the combat was carried as far as Pekin,
Till the Saint hammered home his most useful of smacks
And the Snapdragon whimpered, " ST. GEORGE, let 's

have pax i "

" All right," said ST. GEORGE, for he wasn't, you know,
The sort to be hard on a well-hammered foe;

Still, the dragon despondently hung down his head,

Being frightfully sick at the life that he 'd led ;

So the Saint thought a minute and then waved his sword

And the kids who 'd been eaten were safely restored

As jolly as ever; the Snapdragon said

He would live for the future on brown gingerbread

To show he was sorry and, if it would please,

He would come as a waiter to holiday teas.

This task he performed with most pious complaisance,

Though he always would hand round the almonds and

raisins,

Which in consequence often appeared in a blaze,
For his breath was blue fire till the end of his days !

And after his death at a hundred-and-three,
When almonds and raisins were served after tea,
In the land of Shan-tung it was proper and right
To call them Snapdragon and serve them alight !
* * <: * * *

And so, my dears, the fearful Beast
That ravaged once the rosy East
Is now that tastiest of myths
You met last Thursday at the Smiths' ;
Remember that next time you gorge,
And say a grace to good ST. GEORGE 1

1 ' THINGS you SHOULD KNOW.

On December 25th, 10G6, William the Conqueror was drowned."

Glasgow News.
We will remember in future.

"The Xmas holidays will be observed in Kamsey, on Wednesday,
Dec. 25th, and Thursday, Dec. 26th." Ramsey Courier.

Ramsey is always in every new movement.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIUVAHI.

[JANUABY 1, 1913.

IN A BALL-ROOM.

" TKI.I, mo all about yourself," he
said. She had known him two minutes,
and he had already told her his life-
history.

"Why should I?" she said, raising
her cyebro\vs.

" I 'm sure it would he so interesting.
Let me see. You are married, you say.
You know I never caught your name.
But how absurd ! You don't look more
than nineteen."

" I hate compliments," she said.

There was a little pause.

" We must have heaps of
mutual friends," he began again
a little feverishly. " Heaps."

" Why?'' she asked.

" You know the Barringtons,
I expect. Yes, I 'm sure you
know the Barringtons. Haven't
I met you there ? "

" I don't think so," she said
thoughtfully. " But then I 'm
always so busy, when I 'm there,
looking at all the papers I don't
get at home, that you may have
been there and I 've never seen
you."

" What on earth do you
mean ? "

" I 'm sure I 've never met you :
in the other room," she went on, '
" because there 's only one chair j
there and that 's always empty
when I go in. You are alluding,
of course, to the two dentists,
the brothers Barrington, aren't
you ? "

" Of: course not," he said
shortly. " I mean the Barring-
tons of Barrington Hall. Arc
there any others ? "

"Dear me, yes," she said.
" Lots."

There was another little pause.

He sighed and made up his
mind to go back to personalities.

" ' Tip-tilted ' was the word I !
wanted for your nose," he said, '

Afterwards, when he was alone, she
came up to him.

" I am sorry I was so disagreeable,"
she said, " when you went on like that
with me. But, you see, I didn't know
you were doing it for a bet. How arc
you getting on ? "

Our Athletic Dumb Friends.
" Wanted A Confidential Pony to play
polo." Advt. in " Statesman."

" Parcels are being handed to customers by
Polo Bears, who seem to be alive."

Advt. in "Englishman."
Everybody 's doing it.

" It is to my maternal aunt," I ex-
plained, as I showed it him, "that we
are indebted for this mutual pleasure."
His face did not brighten.
" Either," I continued, " you do not
appreciate what this little box contains,
or yours is one of those inscrutable
expressions which are no true index to
the inner feelings."

1 opened the box and displayed the
Fountain Pen within. If possible lie
became a degree more glum at the
prospect.

" You do not realise," said I, " that
this nib does not suit me."

He frowned quita unmis-
takably.

" Come, come ! " I pressed ;
"do you not see that not only
does this nib not suit me but
also that I am going to afford
you the opportunity of changing
it for me, gratis ? "

The busy half-hour I spent
in that shop has convinced me
that the gladness of the sta-
tioner is not as the gladness of
other men, or else that his -way
of showing it is most mis-
leading.

' WELL

'BOOK

, OLD BOY, WHAT'S THE PBIZE?"

CALLED En SHAKSPEABE. EVEB HEAD IT,

as they walked back to the ball-room.
" You remember I was trying to tell you
how it struck me."

" I 'in sorry if it did that," she said
gently. "But, if anything, it 's slightly
Jewish, really," and she left him with
a nod.

" Now, what is a man to talk of to a
girl like that? "he said, mopping his
forehead.

Then he found his next partner.

" Tell me all about yourself," he said,
as they sat out. " I 'm sure it would
be BO interesting." And then, " Do you
know, we must have heaps of mutual
friends. Heaps." Then he looked up
and caught his last partner's eye. She
smiled it him amicably.

THE MARCH OF
PROGRESS.

I WAS not sorrowful, but only

bored

I By each and all that ever I
adored.

I am not forty-five, but twenty-
three

You must not think that they
were bored by me.

No, on the contrary, they

fluttered round,
Responsive to the music's

opening sound,

Clasped me delightedly and did

their best,

DAD?" Talked i n the intervals and let
me rest.

A JOYFUL OCCASION.

[" Why not instruct us to send one of our
Fountain Pens direct to your friend for his
Christmas present? If the nib does not suit,
any stationer will gladly change it for him,
gratis." Extract from drccent advertisement.']

"ANY stationer," said my aunt's
letter, so I took the first that came.

"It is too late to wish you a Merry
Christmas," I said to the man behind
the counter, "but I can, at any rate,
wish you a Happy New Year, and that
with some confidence."

" What can I do for you, Sir? " said
he, a little curtly I thought. But then
he did not yet know what happiness 1
had in store for him. I produced the
presentation case.

j Were they less lovely than the week

before ?
I Was the band timeless, adamant the

floor?

Did supper bring some vintage that I

bar,
An old crustacean or a young cigar?

No, everything was exquisite ; but what
Availed the Coney Clutch, the Clydes-
dale Trot ?

I knew the Simian Slide, and they did
not.

"The discoverers suggest a gigantic 7iti-
quity, and some of those who have examined
the fragments think it was older still."

Or even older than that.

JANUARY 1, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI;

Head of the Family (writing to the inventor, after wrestling with " Tlie Best Puzzle of the Century "), " THE LEAFLET ACCOMPANYING

YOOH UNHEALTHY INVENTION STATES THAT A PATENT HAS BEEN APPLIED FOB. YOU HAVE THB PRESENT STATB OF TUB LAW TO
THANK THAT A WARRANT HAS NOT ALSO BEEN APPLIED FOE."

AT THE PLAY.

" THE SLEEPING BEAUTY."
BUT for the scenery, which was
nearly always of an exotic beauty, and
some of the names, which had an Italian
flavour, you would never have guessed
that wo were dealing with Continentals,
so British was the humour, so true to
the traditions of Boxing Night
at the Lane. Yet, if we might
believe the sign -post (in Eng-
lish), it was on the very frontier
of Prance and Switzerland that
the most engaging episode of
the evening occurred, when
Monte Blanco (Mr. GEORGE
GRAVES), who had for eighteen
years been established in this
spot as a scarecrow (on a more
military frontier such an object
would almost certainly havo
attracted suspicion), recovn 1 1
his ducal identity.

It was here, at a rather ad-
vanced hour, that the humour of
the pantomime, hitherto largely
confined to the knockabout
business (in which Messrs.
LUPINO and OWEN are so ex-
cellent), began to invade the
dialogue, or, at any rate, Mr.

GEORGE GRAVES'S share of it. How
much was his own and how much the
authors' I dare not conjecture, but one
is safe in attributing a great deal of its
success to the personality of this de-
lightful actor. It is perhaps regrettable,
by the way, that political and other

pantomimes. Something more might
have been made out of the latest move-
ment of the militant Suffragettes. I do
trust -that on a future visit I may be
regaled with a Pillar- Box outrage.

The main theme did not strictly fol-
low the lines of TENNYSON'S Daydream.

topical allusions are not the strong j There were two claimants for the hand
feature that they used to be in the old ; of the Sleeping Beauty. One of them

(Auriol) had been betrothed in
his cradle to the Princess in
hers, and therefore had a prior
claim; but the Wicked Fairy
had had him mislaid shortly
after the ceremony. The claim
of the other (Finnykin) was illu-
sory, and would never have been
entertained if the embassy des-
patched to discover the missing
child had been less anxious not
to return empty-handed. He
was a bumpkin of so sylvan a
type that Mr. GRAVES mistook
him for a woodcock. His tastes
lying in a direction more con-
genial to his humble origin, he
shrank from the greatness that
was thrust upon him. Mr.
LUPINO played the part with
a very becoming modesty of
demeanour.

The successful hero, or

Mr. GEORGE GR\VKS (Ditke of Monle Hlancn) conducts his

pri\ati> band.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 1, 1913.

" Principal Boy," should, by all that is
sacred in tradition, have been a girl,
but actually he was Mr. DOUTIIITT.
Excellent in voice, he looked a little too
stalwart for the part. One expected a
resounding smack when he kissed the
lady out of her sleep ; and a response
on her side

" lovo, thy kiss would wako the dead ! "

But then one had to remember that his
foster-parents were rustic, and that he
had been brought up as a gardener.
The Princess made a pleasant point of
this, while still ignorant of his lofty
pedigree. "The first lady of the land,"
she said, "married a gardener." An
admirable precedent, and, as we know,

" From yon blue heavens above us bont
The gardener Adam and his wife

Sinilo at the claims of long descent."

I was very sorry indeed for him
when the malevolence of Anarchista,
the Wicked Fairy, turned him into an
appallingly hairy monster. (Was it
the Tatcho of Mr. SIMS, part-author,
that did it ?) Here the pathos and the
grotesqueness of things rubbed a little
against one another. But it brought
love to the test. For it was the loyalty
of the Princess in these trying circum-
stances that secured his restoration.
Such was the pretty rule in Faerie,
where Puck set forth the law that these
restorations can only occur through an
act of human intervention.

The slight and graceful Priiicess
(Misa FLORENCE SMITHSON) lacked
something of the sentimentality of
the 'habitual heroine of pantomime ;
but she got well home to the hearts of
her audience by the refinement of her
singing. The chief honours, how-
ever, went again to little Miss BENEE
MAYEB. She could not be expected
to have voice enough for the part of
Chorus, but there was an instinctive
grace in all her movements, and
whenever she appeared an unfailing
promise of some good change coming
she brought with her an exquisite air
of romance.

I feel for Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS, upon
whom the necessity of surpassing him-
self must put a heavy annual strain.
To say that he has done it this time
would be to compromise his past record.
But every year, one seems to detect a
surer feeling for subdued harmonies,
a nicer distaste for resonance and
glare. The dim light on the great
Garden scene was very beautiful, and,
for contrast, the high colours of " The
Blue Lagoon," were proper enough to
the hard brilliance of Lake Geneva
or whatever it WHS.

As for the fun vires acqnireteundo;
and the same may be hopefully said of
EOineof the dancing, which needed more

rehearsals ; but meanwhile I carried
away (some time, I fear, before the end,
for I am past the age when even the
best pantomime is an adequate solace
for the loss of both dinner and supper)
a vivid impression of some very on-
trancing pictures, of an amazing smooth-
ness in the work of the scene-shifters,
of the most fascinating of Pucks, the
most genial of humorous Dukes, and

Mr. BARBY LUPINO (Finnykin) in a golfing
suit, as worn on the Franco-Swiss frontier.

the handsomest Wicked Fairy (in the
person of Miss ALICE CHARTRES) that
ever mitigated the charms of Malice by
the beauty of her own. O. S.

" SHOCK-HEADED PETER."
Why it was I do not know, but as
a child I certainly owed nothing to
Stnmnvelpeter. Though we all read it,
our reception of it was mild, and it
was never the family book that, say,
Uncle Remus became. As a result I
could only remember, when I grew up,
that Augustus was a chubby lad, and
that Fidgety Phil couldn't keep still.
So I cannot say whether this children's
play by PHILIP CARR and NIGEL PLAY-
FAIR (as given every afternoon at the
Vaudeville) is calculated to shock the
elect or not. Obviously it does not
shock me. I do not mind at all that
Philip and Augustus and Peter and
Harriet should be made to belong to
one father, when perhaps they weren't
even related in the original version. I
have no feelings about any of them.
What does concern me is that these
four bad children should be played
so delightfully by Messrs. COMPTON-

COUTTS, EDWARD EIGBY, EDMUND
GWENN, and Miss NELLIE BOWMAN,
and that they should have had such a
thoroughly happy and wicked time.
Pleasant too it was to hear again such
childish expressions as " Bags I " and
"Beastly swizzle" they, at any rate,
owed nothing to the German. (But,
dear Authors, surely we used to say
" Fain I," and not " Fains I," when
we wished to get out of anything un-
pleasant ? That extra "s" gave me
quite a turn.)

The little play is admirably staged.
There is a very sound storm which
carries off Peter on the crook of Harriet's
umbrella, and a realistic burning-up of
Harriet (who played with matches)
which is positively terrifying. Indeed,
it was only the calmness of the children
round me which kept me in my seat
during these calamities.

Shock-Headed Peter is preceded by
some old English singing-games and
dances, performed by children under
the direction of Mr. CECIL SHARP.
These were altogether charming. There
is one particular singing-game called
"The Eoman Soldiers" which took my
fancy entirely. I wonder if I could
introduce it into Bouverie Street.

THOUGHTS ON LOOKING THROUGH A
CHRISTMAS ACCOUNT-BOOK.

JAMES has two lady friends, both near

his heart ;
One is the Muses' handmaid, tall and

slim,

Whose taste is all for letters, music, art
(Concurrently with great respect for
Jim) ;

The other isn't. Some have called

her vain ;
Nor, to speak truth, does she so much

prefer
Jim's loftier discourse to his lighter

strain.

She 's fond of jewels. Jim is fond of
her.

At Christmas-tide Jim finds, to his

regret,
That jewels such as please a captious

sense

Of beauty cost him dear. But lie can get
Thoughts from Great Thinkers (fawn)
for eighteen-pence.

The which is shameful. But, if you

were he,

(And weren't you ?) pray, what then,
my friend '> De te !

From an auctioneer's catalogue :
" 159. Works of Ciceronis Opera."

The Opera family has always been
extraordinarily productive. Caesaris
Opera was one of the most fruitful.

JANUARY 1, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Little, Thank You, which Messrs. PUTNAM
publish for Mrs. T. P. O'CONNOR, ia a charming
idyll. It presents a sunny picture of Virginia
;tfiiT the war, but at a period so close to the
epoch-making event that we catch many
glimpses of home life in " ole Virginny." The
hero of the story is a small boy who, after
the occasional manner of his kind, dominates
the domestic circle of whicli he is the centre.
It would be easy to make such an one a per-
sistent bore. Mrs. O'CONNOR handles her
subject so gently and witli such skill that the
reader, inclined at the outset to be repelled, is
conquered, and pays court with the rest. The
characters in the little drama are few, but
without exception are admirably drawn. The
old negro nurse, probably taken from life, is
delightful. Jimps, the dog, is in his way
(squally good. It is the sort of book that is
especially attuned to the Christmas mood.
Those who did not find the opportunity of
reading it in the already passed holiday-time
may take my word for it that its perusal will
brighten the New Year.

One of the most agreeable entertainments
that I have encountered this great while is
The Unbearable Bassington (JOHN LANE). By
now one has, of course, grown to expect verbal
dexterities from Mr. H. H. MUNRO (" SAKI "),
and in the present volume one certainly gets
them, and something more. The book is in
fact a pudding in which the greatest possible
number of plums are held together by the
barest modicum of suet with the natural
result that, taken in bulk, the mixture may be
found cloying. In small portions, say three
chapters to a meal, you can not only enjoy it
delightedly yourself, but even compel the
appreciation of those to whom you will be
unable to resist reading the choicest bits
aloud. Than this, of which I have made per-
sonal test, there can surely be no greater
tribute to such a book. Only considerations of
space restrain me from quoting its best things
now. There is one chapter that contains
the most brilliant exhibition of conversational
fireworks since The Importance of Being
Earnest. But inevitably they are of different
degrees of sparkle. Not only does one get

Friend (to infantry officer who has bttn trying to pass riding test for promotion).
WELL, PASSED ALL RIGHT, I HOPE?"

No; SPUN, CONFOUND 'EM I THEY BROUGHT THE WRONG HORSE."

the rather mechanical humour which describes a man's and the odds and ends of people who are involved i
beard as "lending a certain dignity to his appearance affairs. The hapless Tow Garry, who married her, is less
a loan which the rest of his features were continually convincing, being a trifle too stagnant for a young Guards-
repudiating," but on the same page we read, "One should man; but he is a good enough background for the finely-

ahvays speak guardedly of the Opposition leaders; one never
knows what a turn in the situation may do for them,"
with the added remark, in reply to obvious comment, " I
mean they may one day lead the opposition." This seems
to mo the genuine article; and, if you like it, and ever so

shaded picture of his wife. As so often happens in real life,
one thing after another occurred in their existence; and
again, as so often happens in real life, these incidents were
just incidents and led up to no particular crisis or denoue-
ment. They were interesting in themselves, severally and

much more that at its worst is always smart and at its best apart, and in the telling of them the author, as shrewd and

'11 L\ .. ~\ ' i 1 rm T-T i 111-1

witty, you will find with me The Unbearable Bassington

very beai able indeed.

There can be no question about it, Mrs. HENKY DE LA
PASTURE (Lady CLIFFORD) has made a very delicate and
telling study of her Erica and the down-trodden Lady Clow,

observant as ever, finds many an opportunity of expounding
her simple and genial, philosophy. Meanwhile, Tom Garry
bore with his wife very patiently for a while, lost his
illusions of her one by one, and ultimately died before the
birth of his son. And there you have Erica (SMITH ELDEB).
There are those, and I am one, who look for a plot in a

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARtVASl.^JJ^** l > 1913 -

novel Something momentous must happen, be it the and here and there, t
expected to fulfil our hopes and fears, or the unexpected to his t:
surprise us. The only critical event in Erica's career is the importance to mere tn
LLution of her engagement to Christoptor Thorverton, is a general liveliness i
.od that prior to the period of this history. Thus when , very readable b.U, I

the writer has taken
too great an
of that, however, there
in the narrative which makes his book
am bound to say that that part of
ho discusses the ethics of the sport

with the " A'o/c : The Author hopes m a later volume to
give the further history of Erica and her son," and it is
possible that I shall not read that later volume, unless I
liave reason to believe that it will excite my emotional as
well as my intellectual approval.

a very convincing piece of work. To say, as he does, that
" it is very questionable whether animals experience pain,"
is an absurd and mischievous piece of overstatement, which
would justify a demand for the repeal of the laws directed
aainst cruelty to animals. I must not conclude without
montionint.' a memoir of W. E. CUKBEY, the founder of the

pack, delightfully written by Professor HENRY JACKSON.
Elsewhere will be found some anecdotes of Mr. EOWLAND

To read RALPH CONNOR on Western Canada and the

heroic routine of that fine service of the North- West ^ ,.-.-.. ~

Mounted Police is to feel young and adventurous and HUNT, M.P. ; (then nicknamed " Mother ) which shosv

imperial-at too small a price. The author has a flair that he did not always wear that air of Boadicean graviU

for all that is keen and clean and strong in football or love which now marks him in the House of Commons.

or war, and a deep and
simple religious faith
and feeling underlie his
outlook upon life. Cor-
poral Coterore(HoDDER
AND STOUGHTON) was a
Scottish International
half, who lost a certain
match through dilut-
ing his training with
whisky, and was com-
ing to no good in the
Old Country. He finds
"a man's work" "rid-
ing on a horse and
ordering people about "
(as young Reggie Ken-
nion defines it in The
Younger Generation)
in the Mounted Police
after some tough and
toughening experience
on a ' farm and in a
survey gang. Haven,
the whisky-runner and
horse-thief, is a rare spe-
cimen of the hero-black-
guard, and Cameron's
' three encounters with him make a stout yarn. The police are
1 the finest of fine fellows, a breed of demigods five hundred
of them effectively patrolling the frontiers of an Empire.
The time is in the eighties, just before the Indian Eebellion
in Western Canada. I should like to have had more of
the hero's Scotch friends, who are introduced with some
circumstance and incontinently and unwisely abandoned
Dunn, the Scotch International captain ; Mr. Roe, the
lawyer with the disconcerting smile ; Miss Brodie, and
Cameron's sister Moira, bonnie lassies both.

Superannuated Tragedian (after forcing the car to -pull up). " PERMIT MB, Sm,

TO INDULGE FOB A FEW BRIEF MOMENTS IN A JOY I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED SINCE
MY LAST STARRING TOUR IN 1893."

The only complaint
I have to make against
The Happy Warrior
(ALSTON KIVEHS) is
that Pcrcival, its hero,
ought to have been
born before page 93.
Indeed, I had good
reason to think that
Mr. A. S. M. HUTCHIN-
SON, whose first novel,
Once Aboard theLugger,
was such an unquali-
fied success, intended
to waste his talent
upon a psychological
study of a vulgar wo-
man, but now I know
that even if he makes
a false start he is only
getting up steam "for
sorriething absolutely
fresh and original. The
plot of this story
(breathless after page
93) is very slight, for,
although the vulgir
woman thinks that she is a peeress, and contrives a great
future for her amiable but effeminate son, the reader knows

In Tfui Trinity Foot Beagles (ARNOLD), Mr. F. C. KEMP-
SON has compiled a history of the well-known pack which,
under the management of undergraduates, has for more
than fifty years hunted hares over the heavy soil of Cam-
bridgeshire. Mr. KEMPSON is, I gather, a parson of the
sporting sort, and he declares himself to be an " hereditary
Barbarian," meaning that he is devoted to field sports as
opposed to games, which are pursued, he says, by Philis-
tines. But Mr. KEMPSON, I further gather, has been a
rowing man, and he is therefore in the supreme position of
being both a Barbarian and a Philistine. The book is put
together, if I may say so, in a somewhat disconnected way ;

Not, however, until the
end of the book is Percival aware of his rank, and by

that the hero is really the peer.

that time he has formed a warm affection for the pseudo-
peer, and has also " made things hum." Chafing undei
the restraints of village life he joined a kind of travelling
show, and while living this roving existence he won tho most
glorious fight. "One of the real one's, one of the clean
breds, one of the true-blues, one of the all-rights, one of the
get-there, stop-there, win-there one o' the picked" is the
description given to Percival, and I am very content to
leave him at that. To those who are prepared to overlook
the author's false start (I am sorry to be so insistent about
that, but I resent those initial pages) and to step off the
soundly beaten track of commonplace fiction, I most warmK
recommend Mr. HUTCHINSON and his Happy Warrior.

" The second portion of the Rue Edouard VII. will be in the forn
of an arcade, occupied by bishops of the best class." Londcti lii.dijc'.

It is possible to overdo a good idea. We would urge tha
a sprinkling of rural deans and an archdeacon or two of the
second class would -show up the bishops better.

JANTAKY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

No ono, wo fancy, was surprised,
though many were pained, to lioar that,
Mr. hi.ovii (ii:oiu;K was ronfiuod tlio
otliorday to his house by doctor's orders.

The WAR MINISTER is said to have
advised tlio CHANCELLOR not to worry
about tlio paucity of doctors for his In-
suraiico scheme. ]fo pointed out that
the Territorials, in spite of a lack of num-
bers, are an enormous official success.

:;: :|:

Soutbend Council has decided to ex-
tend the season next year
from Easter to the middle of
October. Why not carry it
on till Christmas and so
make sure of some summer
weather? + ^
*

At Folkestone last week,
there was what is described
as a slight earthquake shock.
Although it is now supposed
to have been caused by a
passing motor omnibus this
will not prevent the district
fronn describing itself in future
as an English .Riviera.

-.;: :!:

When the French liner
Touraine arrived at New York
last week, ex-President
CAST BO of Venezuela was
removed by an immigration
officer, and taken to the
detention pen at Ellis Island.
The EX - PRESIDENT showed
some indignation at finding
that the pen was mightier
than the sword.

^: :;:

Nearly 600' English wild
song - birds are being des-
patched to British Columbia.
We understand that on their
arrival, before being dispersed,
they will give a grand massed
concert at a Victoria music-hall.

:|: :;:

We give the story for what it is
worth. It is said that a sub-editor of
Thf, Pali Mall. Gazette recently sub-

be called upon to cease giving to
the objects of their adoration worked
Clippers and smoking caps, which have
an undoubted tendency to encourage a
love of ease and luxury.

A contemporary is advising its
readers, when advertising for servants,
to mention what attractions they have
to offer. The newly-married couple
who are able to announce that their
glass and china is absolutely new and
has never been broken before should
be able to secure the pick of the
market.

The following notice appears in the
hall of a MiiiTon hotel : "The Turkey
Trot and Allied Dances are prohibited
in this Hotel." It was no doubt it,
order to avoid hurting Ottoman suscep-
tibilities that the dance? of the Allies
were included in the ban.

The Ideal School.

"BuxroN COLLEGE.

Next term commences on Tuesday, Sept-
ember 17th." Add. in " Yorkshire I'ost."

Miniature Liveried Official. " 'ERE I 'oo YJSB GLAIRIN' AT ?

YEH NEVER SEES NONE OP US COUIHSSIOyAIRBS BETOBB?"

It is sometimes a little difficult to
know how to pass the long Winter
evenings. We strongly recommend as
a pass-time an attempt to solve some
of the advertisements in our news-

mitted to an examination at the hands i papers. For example, among its

of a phrenologist. " Marvellous head-
linos!" reported the Professor.

" No Dictation ! '''"cried The P. M. G.
" Hooray ! " shouted Tommy, whose
weak point is spelling.

The Bishop of CARLISLE, in his Nrw
^ car pastoral, has been inveighing
against such of the clergy as " seem
afflicted with incurable indolence." If
matters do not mend in this respect it
is thought that the spinsters of England

Situations Wanted" we find the fol-
lowing in The Daily News :

MISDEB. Whfa., Bate, Pits., J-tn., Bk.,
\Vk., Com., qk., exp., rel., ex. rcfs.

In this instance our guess at the truth
would be that the advertiser is
willing to look after whiffs (i.e. to
keep cigars from going out), babies,
plaintiffs, half - tons, bankrupts, work-
men, commissionaires, quacks, ex-
presidents, relatives, excise-men, and
referees (the last presumably on Paris
football-grounds).

" Biblical students know about Knha-
kore," says The Glasgow Herald With
some truth though person-
ally we had to refresh our
memory with the Encyclo-
pedia. The Glasgow Evening
Times, however, reproduces
the statement as " Bibulous
students know about Enlui-
j kore." We may expect, then,
! to hear something more about
it on Boat-Race Night.

" The toast was drunk with
enthusiasm, after which Mr. J. V.
Simpson sang ' Bannie wee thing,'
while the Piper played ' My love '
but a lassio yet." Madras Mail.
Mr. SIMPSON evidently
thought that the Piper was
playing " Bonnie wee thing."

J. H. TAYLOR, in an article
entitled " Golf at Rome " :

" A golfer cannot look upon the
features of the dying gladiator,
immortalised in the famous statue,
and think of the magnificent
courage and splendid devotion to
his Emperor that brought him to
his untimely end, without it being
impressed upon his mind that the
descendants of such men must
possess all the characteristics that
go to make a successful player."
Neies of the World.

Nor can a player at Stoke
Poges meditate upon the
wonderful flow of language
revealed in the Elegy in a
Country Churchyard " with-
out it being impressed upon his mind "
that GRAY would have known what to
say had he ever topped into the pond.

Then and Now.
THE damosels of long ago
Were ever nice when they said " No " ;
They hinted, in their honied way.
At other flowers as sweet as they,
And proffered to the blighted swain
A sister's love to ease his pain.
But things have changed in this respect,
And modern maids, when they reject,
Just give their heads the tiniest toss
And tersely snap " Abso. imposs."

" BACUP SENSATION.
POLICEMAN NOT GUILTY OF SHOPBREAKINO."
Is this so unusual at Bacup ?

V.U.. C'XUV.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEL

[.JANUARY 8.

THE PREMIER AND THE BIRD.

Bom on :i si.ft \Vint.-r: ith :u-knmv-
ledgincnU to his friend, Mr. W. BEACH

THOMAS.]

Now any morning you may hear,
Before the pinks of dawn appear,
\Vlirre on the sombre boughs they sit,
Mavis and robin, wivn and tit,
Piping their introductory bars
"Without respect of calendars ;
And, what is worse, without regard
To the convenience of the bard,
Caught napping in the New Year's

prime
All unprepared with vernal rhyme.

These hints, which early birds convey,
That this is now the month of May
Are of a rudimentary kind,
Appealing to the common mind.
But there are other marks, not missed
By the accomplished ruralist
More subtle signs, half hidden from us,
That don't escape my friend, BEACH

THOMAS.

Thus, in his rambles round the place,
His beady orbs have marked a brace
Of slugs a most unusual thing
Strolling about as though 'twere Spring;
Also a snail (he noticed that)
Taking the air without its hat.

Likewise of flowers he makes report
Citing the more precocious sort.
With piercing glance he clapped his eye

The undefeated Dandelion,
Fool's Parsley, nauseous to the nose,
Dead Nettle and the rathe Primrose.
By wooded walks and hedgerow ways he
Chatted with Kex and modest Daisy,
With Shepherd's Purse and Periwinkle
And Canterbury Bells a-tinkle.
And, quoting WORDSWORTH, line by line,
Lunched with the Lesser Celandine.

Further he saw a roomy nest,
Fruit of a gay cock-sparrow's zest,
Built for his young fiancee's use ;
And, should the Winter keep its truce,
Our THOMAS, in a week or so,
Should hail the swallow's Northwarc

Ho!

And in his note-book scribble, " Hark
I hear the cuckoo's opening bark ! "

Alas for faith that meets the shock
Of disillusion's nasty knock,
Of frosts that blight the ardent blood
And a sad nipping in the bud !
Yet how can simple bird or plant
Help making these mistakes? The

can't.

Innocent little dears, that lack
A knowledge of the Almanack,
And think that, like last Summe

(shame ! )

Winter is gone before it came.
And even minds of older make
Sometimes commit a like mistake -

SQUITH, for instance, though, you'd

say,

He ought by now to know his way
\bout the circling seasons' schedule
And have it perfect in his head, you'll
Mud that he holds the strange impres-
sion
That this is still an Autumn session!

Ye who would have your top-notes clear
When April's actual self is here,

Don't, in the depth of Winter, sing

?he airs of Autumn or of Spring !

shun the unseasonable strain,
And spare your throats ; nor, like those
twain,

?he Songster and the Man of State,
~gnore the need to hibernate 1

But, if you still insist on humming
[Wes of a day long dead or coming ;
i you decline to take a rest
And must get something off your chest ;
["hen, of the two types, both absurd
tatesman or tomtit play the bird !
O. S.

BLANCHE'S LETTERS.

NEW YEAR'S NEWS.

West Boggleshire Manor.

DEAREST DAPHNE, Here, at Bosh
and Wee-Wee's, we've been having a
ovely time out with the West Boggle-
shire positively the one and only
motor-hunt ! We all follow in motors,
and the quarry is a motor-fox 1 Bosh,
who 's Master, is naturally very proud
of it. He says it was the only way
out of the difficulties made by those
absurd farmer-people, with their com-
plaints about their silly poultry being
laten. Our motor-fox gives us simply
glorious runs, and then when hounds
oreak him up he can quite easily be put
together again. If anyone earns the
brush it 's just unhooked and handed
to him (or her), and then it's hooked
on again. By next season Bosh says
perhaps he'll have a pack of motor-
hounds as well.

If we were men, dearest, I "d say,
"Hats off to Lady Manocuvrerl" for
really and truly she is a clever woman,
et ellc connait soil monde as well as any
of us, and better than most. This is
a preface to the news that one of the
twins is actually but wait !

Marigold and Bluebell, as you know,
what with their height, their twin-
hood, their constant rushing round and
chattering about nothing, their ever-
lasting, " Oh, isn't it absolutely top-
hole ! " and their mother's strenuous
efforts on their behalf, have been, foi
quite several years now, a sort o
double landmark, poor dear things
(It was Norty who first called them
Reculvers.) Well, last July, when every
body left town, the Manoeuvrers wen

,o rusticate in some remote spot, and
nothing more was heard of them till
one began to meet them again in the
autumn at country houses. And then,
n y dear, one noticed a change. Mari-
gold, it appeared, had retired from
msiness and made over her share of
he joint stock-in-trade, the high spirits,
rushing round, chatteringabout nothing,
ind " Oh, isn't it absolutely top-hole ! "
o Bluebell. She was quiet, silent, jin':-
>ccup6e, wore a diamond marquise on
ler left third, and a dreamy, always-
hinking-of-/i/w expression on her face.
There she sat, twirling her ring and
smiling to herself. And several men
vho before had scarcely seemed aware

her existence became quite t-pris of
ler in this altered state of things, and
;nade immense efforts to get her to
alk and laugh as she used ; but they
were answered either at random or not
,t all.

Of course Marigold was asked about
ler engagement, but all she would ever
>ay was, " We 're going to keep our
ittle romance quite to ourselves. We
don't want it spoiled by being an-
nounced in the papers and gossiped to
ags by all of you. He : s gone back to
lis duties in India and he '11 be coming
lome by-and-by, and that 's all you 're
any of you going to know ! "

Of those who fancied the idea of cut-
jngout this absent hero of romance, the
shief was the Duke of Derwent, whom
;he Mancauvrers gave up in despair ages
ago. Derwent, who never yet wanted
anything unless it belonged to some-
body else, was quite in the first flight
of Marigold's new-found soupirants and
jy degrees became utterly and entirely
set upon eclipsing the Absent One.
The more Marigold wouldn't pay any
attention to what he said and the more
she sat in corners twirling her ring and
dreaming, the more Derwent persisted,
iill at last, when they were both at the
Dunstables' with a large party, he
succeeded in persuading her to forget
" the other fellow " and elope.

They went to town, and were married
" on the 20th of December, suddenly, at
the Eegistrar's," as Norty put it. Of
course, when the knot was fast tied,
Derwent was sorry. But there was
still a drop of sweetness in his cup.
" How long will it be before that other
fellow knows you 've shunted him and
found someone you like better?" he
asked with a chuckle when the 'moon
was about a week old. His new duchess
flung her arms round his neck. " Oh,
Bobby darling," she yelled, for all and
more than all her old high spirits had
come back, " you 're the only man in
the world for me. There 's no ' other
fellow,' and there never was ! It was
Mamma's idea that one of us should

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 8, 1913.

TUEKEY IN WONDERLAND.

TURKEY (observing fabulous Phoenix rising from its ashes). " THAT 'S A TRICK EVERY BIRD
OUGHT TO KNOW. WONDER IF I'M TOO OLD TO LEARN IT."

JANUARY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI..

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT.

Growler (to distressed liarrier). "KEB, SIB?"

seem to be engaged, and we drew lots,
and it fell to me ; and Mamma bought
that ring and coached me up in the
part; and didn't 1 do it well? Oh,
Bobby darling, wasn't it absolutely
top-hole ! "

Talking of runaway marriages,
there 's quite a small slump just now
in regular, conventional, white satin
and orange - blossom functions St.
Agatha's and half-a-dozen bishops,
church crowded, everybody there and
people are taking to sneaking off to
some weird church in the City or the
suburbs and being married without a
sound. The Oldlands went to town
last week for the wedding of Veronica,
the eldest girl quite a nice match, with
everyone's approval. The afternoon
before the marriage-day, when every-
body in town was at Oldlands House
for the " Wedding Present Tea," in
walked to-morrow's bride and groom
in travelling kit. " Awfully sorry,
people," said Veronica, "that you've
all been asked I.O the show to-morrow,
because there won't be one! Teddy
and 1 were married this morning at
St. Hildred's, Islington, and we 're off
now f .o Friesenberg for the ski-ing."

Oh, my dearest and best, such a
simply horrid thing has happened here !
I 'm afraid '13 will be a most odious
year for your poor Blanche ! On New
Year's Eve we were all enormously
careful about the proper observances
13 being such a sinister number. Bosh
said he 'd tried to get some hunchbacks
to meet us, but all the hunchbacks were
engaged ages ago for the New Year!
Josiah, who 's abroad on business, sent
me a wire during the evening with such
stodgy, Victorian wishes for the New
Year that we all quite shrieked over it.
As midnight approached we looked
about for our First Foot. The darkest
man in the party was a Col. Briggs,
whom Bosh and Wee- Wee met abroad
somewhere last year. He had black
hair and moustaches. He didn't seem
enthusiastic about the job, but at five
minutes to twelve we sent him out at a
side door, and the front door was set
open to let in the New Year and the
First Foot. Then we danced the St.
Sylvester's waltz, with the dear old
custom of one's partner saluting one
as midnight begins to strike. Someone
said the salute should be given at the
first stroke of midnight, and someone

else said it should be given at the last
stroke. Norty said they 'd better make
sure of being right by giving it at each
stroke ! And so we danced, and mid-
night struck, and the bells of West
Boggleshire church rang out, and the
Briggs man came in, and we all wished
each other everything nice.

Next day, when some of us were
chatting it over, someone said suddenly,
" I wonder if the Briggs man is really
dark ! " " But what a hideous thought ! "
I cried. And then a sort of panic
seized us. Piggy de Laoey suggested,
" I might get my fellow to ask his man.
But it wouldn't be quite cricket,
would it ? " " Never mind that," we
all gasped; "our happiness, our very
lives depend upon it. Go, best of
Piggies, and find out." And Piggy
went. Presently he came back. He
looked at us with a composite sort of
expression on his face. "Well?" we
all asked in chorus. " Well," said
Piggy, " I got my fellow to ask his
man." " Well," we shrieked, " and
what did he say ? " Piggy looked round
at us all again. " He said, ' Before the
Colonel's 'air turned grey it was red ! ' '
Ever thine, BLANCHE.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 8, 1913.

MORE SUCCESSFUL LIVES.

VII. Tin: ADVKXTVRER.
LIONEL NORWOOD, from his earliest
days, had been marked out for a life
of crime. When quite a child he was
discovered by his nurse killing flies on
the window-pane. This was before the
character of the house-fly had become
a matter of common talk among
scientists, and Lionel (like all great
men, a little before his time) had
pleaded hygiene in vain. He was
smacked hastily and bundled off to a
preparatory school, where his aptitude
for smuggling sweets would have lost
him many a half-holiday had not his
services been required at outside-left
in the hockey eleven. With some
difficulty he managed to pass into
Eton, and three years later with, one
would imagine, still more difficulty
managed to get superannuated. At Cam-
bridge he went down-hill rapidly. He
would think nothing of smoking a cigar
in academical costume, and on at least
one occasion he drove a dogcart on
Sunday. No wonder that he was re-
quested, early in his second year, to give
up his struggle with the Little-go and
betake himself back to London.

London is always glad to welcome
such people as Lionel Norwood. In no
other city is it so simple for a man of
easy conscience to earn a living by his
wits. If Lionel ever had any scruples
(which, after a perusal of the above
account of his early days, it may be
permitted one to doubt) they were re-
moved by an accident to his solicitor,
who was run over in the Argentine on
the very day that he arrived there with
what was left of Lionel's money. Ee-
duced suddenly to poverty, Norwood
had no choice but to enter upon a
life of crime.

Except, perhaps, that he used
slightly less hair-oil than most, he
seemed just the ordinary man about
town as he sat in his dressing-gown
one fine summer morning and smoked
a cigarette. His rooms were furnished
quietly and in the best of taste. No
signs of his nefarious profession showed
themselves to the casual visitor. The
appealing letters from the Princess
whom he was blackmailing, the wire
apparatus which shot the two of spades
down his sleeve during the coon-can
nights at the club, the thimble and pea
with which he had performed the three-
card trick so successfully at Epsom last
week all these were hidden away from
the common gaze. It was a young
gentleman of fashion who lounged in
his chair and toyed with a priceless
straight-cut.

There was a tap at the door, and
Master?, his confidential valet, came in.

' have

" Well," said Lionel,
looked through the post ? "

" Yes, Sir," said the man. " There
the usual cheque from Her Highnes
a request for more time from the lad
in Tite Street with twopence to pay o
the envelope, and banknotes from th
Professor as expected. Tlio youn
gentleman of Hill Street has gon
abroad suddenly, Sir."

" Ah ! " said Lionel, with a sudde
frown. " I suppose you "d better cros
him off our list, Masters."

" Yes, Sir. I had ventured to do so
Sir. I think that 's all, except that Mi
Snooks is glad to accept your kin<
invitation to dinner and bridge to-nighl
Will you Wear the hair-spring coat, Sir
or the metal clip 1 "

Lionel made no answer. He sa
plunged in thought. When he spoki
it was about another matter.

" Masters," he said, " I have foum
out Lord Fairlie's secret at last. ".
shall go to see him. this afternoon."

" Yes, Sir. Will you wear your
revolver, Sir, as it 's a first call ? "

" I think so. If this comes off
Masters, it will make our fortune."

" I hope so, I 'm sure, Sir." Masters
placed the whisky within reach anc
left the room silently.

Alone, Lionel picked up his paper
and turned to the Agony Column.

As everybody knows, the Agony
Column of a daily paper is not actually
so domestic as it seems. When
" MOTHER " apparently says to " FLOSS,"
" Come homo at once. Father gone
away for week. Bert and Sid longing
to see you," what is really happening
is that Barney Hoker is telling Jud
Batson to meet him outside the Duke
of Westminster's little place at 3 A.M.
precisely on Tuesday morning, not
forgetting to bring his jemmy and a
dark lantern with him. And FLOSS'S
announcement next day, " Coming
home with George," is Jud's way of
saying that he will turn up all right,
and half thinks of bringing his auto-
matic pistol with him too, in case of
accidents.

In this language which, of course,
takes some little learning Lionel
Norwood had long been an expert.
The advertisement which he was now
reading was unusually elaborate :

"Lost, in a taxi between Baker
Street and Shepherd's Bush, a gold-
mounted umbrella with initials ' J. P.'
on it. If Ellen will return to her father
immediately all will be forgiven. White
spot on foreleg. Mother very anxious
and desires to return thanks for kind
enquiries. Answers to the name of
Ponto. Bis dat qiti cito dat."

What did it mean? For Lionel it
had no secrets. He was reading the

revelation by one of his agents of th
skeleton in Lord Fairlie's cupboard !

Lord Fairlie was one of the mos
distinguished members of the Cabinet
His vein of high seriousness, hi
lofty demeanour, the sincerity of hi
manner endeared him not only to 1m
own party, but even (astounding as i
may seem) to a few high-minded men
upon the other side, who admitted
in moments of expansion which thej
probably regretted afterwards, that hi
might, after all, be as devoted to his
country as they were. For years now
his life had been without blemish. I
was impossible to believe that even in
his youth he could have sown anj
wild oats ; terrible to think that these
wild oats might now be coming home
to roost.

"What do you require of me?" he
said courteously to Lionel, as the lattei
was shown into his study.

Lionel went to the point at onco.
" I am here, my lord," he snid, " 011
Business. In the course of my ordinary
avocations" the parliamentary at-
iiospbere seemed to be affecting his
anguage "I ascertained a certain
secret in your past life which, if it were
evealed, might conceivably have a not
undamaging effect upon your career.
?or my silence in this matter I must
demandasum of fifty thousand pounds."

Lord Fairlie had grown paler and
jaler as this speech proceeded.

"What have you discovered?" he
vhispered. Alas ! he knew only too
well what the damning answer would be.

" Twenty years ago," said Lionel,

you wrote a humorous book."

Lord Fairlie gave a strangled cry.
lis keen mind recognised in a flash what

hold this knowledge would give his
nemies. Shafts of Folly, his book
ad been called. Already he saw the
sading articles of the future :

" We confess ourselves somewhat at

loss to know whether Lord Fairlie's
peech at Plymouth yesterday was
ntended as a supplement to his earlier
ork, Shafts of Folly, or as a serious
ffering to a nation impatient of levity
n such a crisis. . . ."

" The Cabinet's jester, in whom
wenty years ago the country lost an
xcellent clown without gaining a states-
nan, was in great form last night. . . ."

'Lord Fairlie has amused us in the
ast with his clever little parodies ; he
lay amuse us in the future ; but as a
tatesman we can only view him with
isgust. ..."

" Well ? " said Lionel at last. " I
link your lordship is wise enough to
ndersland. The discovery of a sense of
umour in a man of your eminence "

But Lord Fairlie was already writing
ut the cheque. A. A. M.

JANUABY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

HouseJiolder (au-aTitnetl) . "\VHAT THE

OH, LORD! ANOTHER CHRISTMAS-BOX,

THE WINTER

MY wife, my Oxford son, my daughters three
(Named Mary, Ralph, Iseult, Elaine and Nesta)

Have flown off to the Engadine to ski

And skate and risk their limbs upon the Cresta,

Their view of life, so far as I can see,
Being to make it one continual fcsta ;

While I, the patient drudge in duty's mill,

Remain in town and drive the daily quill.

Think not, however, that I mean to " make

A song about it," piteously appealing
For sympathy because my children take

Their walks abroad while I remain at Ealing ;
I haven't got a " travel-thirst " to slake ;

Davos no more attracts mo than Darjeeling ;
I loathe the cold ; hotels are uninviting ;
And, lastly, London 's hugely more exciting.

There 's not a crossing but some taxi-cab

May start you running for your life and floor you.

There 's not a 'bus but women tiy to jab

Their horrid hatpins in your face and gore you ;

The skies, I own, are dull, the outlook drab,
But here the human beings never bore you,

With militants who war on all in trousers,

And Letts who run amok with murderous Mausers.

Hero not a week can pass completely by
Without a missive from some moneyleaders

Offering me untold gold 1 know not why ;
I just return it stainpless to the senders ;

SPORTSMAN.

Wine-merchants for my custom daily vie

With cider-makers or with whisky-blenders,
As keen about replenishing my cellars
As if I were the best of ROCKEFELLEKS.

Then as for games, why should I search for sport

In the vicinity of Chiavenna,
When I can to the gallery resort

And see Tartaric Tim give " Shawn " Gehenna,
Or hear the Taffies truculently snort

Defiance at the maladroit McKENNA,
Or watch the daily cranial distension
Of Ministers whose names I need not mention ?

Moreover, here, and here alone, one knows
The joy of tasting Mr. GARVIN'S leaders,

Fresh and red-hot, as forth the lava flows
And scarifies all Unionist seceders,

Or proves the triumph that awaits our foes
If we become a nation of free-feeders.

(They get them two days later up at Sils,

But there they miss his name upon the bills.)

You '11 say the grapes are sour. Perhaps they are.

The point is personal and matters little.
I only know that Switzerland is far ;

That bobsleighs seem to me extremely kittle ;
That falls, on ski or skates, the system jar,

And bones, when men are elderly, grow brittle ;
And, if I must take part in a gymkhana,
Let it be held in London, not Montana.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 8, 1913.

THE PARTY.

" WHAT," I said, " is this rumour about a party ? "

" Rumour ? " said Francesca. " I liave hoard no rumours.
And, if it comes to that, what is a rumour? "

' A rumour," I said, "is evidently something which you
know you have not heard. It therefore follows that if you
heard it you would recognise it, and, that being so, you
must know what it is, for otherwise "

" For otherwise," she said, " I should know what I don't
know, and I should not be expected to wait here half the
morning in order to answer idle questions."

" Since the word ' rumour ' gives you pain," I said, " I
will withdraw it, expressing at the same time my most

sincere regret at having said anything which might "

(Loud cheers, in which the conclusion of the hon. member's
sentence was lost). "But what," I added, " is all this about
a party ? "

" A party ? " she said. " Who has said anything about a
party ? What can you mean ? "

" Francesca," I said with determination, " I will be plain
with you "

"No, no," she interrupted, "not that. But, after all,
why should I complain ? Good looks are nothing."

" Good looks," I said, " are better than a ribald tongue."

" But some people," she said, " have got both, and that
must be splendid for them."

" Evasions," I said, " will not help you. What is all this
about a party on Saturday next ? "

" Oh, J/iaV-said Francesca. " If that 's what you mean,
why couldn't you say it before ? "

" Apparently," I said, " that is what I mean ; and I have
been saying it over and over again since I began."

" You should guard," she said, " against repetition. It
is wearisome and unnecessary."

"What is the nature," I said, "of next Saturday's party?"

" Its nature is that it isn't really a party at all. If I
said it was I have deceived you. It is a children's dance."

" But a children's dance," I urged, " is a party. It has
all the qualities that distinguish a party. It causes
inconvenience. It gives no enjoyment."

" You couldn't persuade the children of that. Tell them
it's not to come off, and see what they say."

" Poor dears," I said, " they are ignorant. It would be
useless to appeal to them. But, if they enjoy it, why are
they so solemn and silent ? Tell me that."

" Oh ! that 's only at first," said Francesca. " If you
come into this room after they 've been at it half-an-hour
you '11 find them enjoying it all right."

" Into this room ? " I said. "Francesca, you are forgetting
yourself. This is my room."

" Of course it is ; and it 's the largest room in the house,
and much the best for dancing ; and you 're going to lend it
to us for that day, like a generous true-hearted British
father."

" And," I said, " all the furniture will be taken out and
all my papers will be disturbed and lost, and the carpet
will be removed, and the books will be put into the shelves
in their wrong places. Is this what you propose ? "

" Something like that," she said, " will probably happen.
You wouldn't have them dance in all this litter."

" I wouldn't have them dance at all," I said. " Francesca,
I forbid the moving of my writing-table."

" The writing-table," she said, " will be the first to go.
But you talk as if you 'd heard of all this for the first time."

" And that," I said, " is the solemn truth. No man in
England is less easily surprised than me or I ; which is it,
Francesca ? "

" And," she said, " you don't even know your grammar.

To think that an ungrammatical man should dream of
stopping a children's dance."

" I will circumvent the grammar," I said. " I am the
least easily surprised man in England, but to-day, I own,
you have startled me. Not one word of this dance have I
ever heard whispered or "

" No," she said, " you haven't. Every day for the past
three weeks I 've shouted it at you."

" Your gentle nature would never permit you to shout,"
I said. " But I do remember that some time ago you said
quite casually that it would be a nice thing for the children
to have a dance."

" There you are," said Francesca ; " didn't I say so ? "

" And I replied that this modern craze

" I know perfectly well what you replied. It did you no
credit and you mustn't say it again."

" And from that moment," I went on, " you have, I
suppose, been stealthily planning this dance. And Muriel
and Nina and Alice were in the conspiracy, of course. But
what of Frederick, my little five-year-old barbarian ? How
did you secure his silence ? Surely he cannot approve of
dancing?"

"The barbarian mind," she said, "is susceptible to the
promise of ices. He believes that on Saturday a world
entirely composed of ices is to be at his disposal. You
had better resign yourself to the dance."

"Francesca," I said, "something dreadful ought to happen
to you."

" Something dreadful," she said, " has happened."

" I know," I said. " The man who plays the piano has
got the influenza."

" Worse than that."

" The greengrocer has sprained his ankle and cannot come
in to pour out lemonade."

" Worse even than that," she said. " Your Aunt Matilda,
who likes children in their proper place, has announced
herself for a three days' visit from Friday next."

" Which serves you," I said, " absolutely right."

" And, of course," said Francesca, " you will have to
devote yourself to her on Saturday. After all, she has a
kind nature in spite of her sharp tongue, poor old dear."

E. C. L. '

BY THE OPPOSITE EOUTE.

WHEN he was called he turned over and went to sleep
again. When he got up he decided that he would get
himself shaved professionally on his way to the office.

He read the newspaper solidly through breakfast. On
two occasions he contradicted his wife. He took the odd
piece of toast. In putting on his boots he swore quite
wantonly (on the testimony of his wife).

He continued the day in the same strain of dogged laxity.
At lunch he prolonged his usual interval of ninety minutes
to one of a hundred-and-twenty minutes. By 5 P.M. he had
smoked six cigars.

Then he telephoned to his wife to come and have dinner
in town and go to a theatre, knowing that she would refuse.
He thereupon carried out his programme en garqon, in the
teeth of her imperfectly transmitted resentment.

Arriving home, he had a last unnecessary whisky and
soda. Finally (as he tramped upstairs in his boots) he
murmured with satisfaction, "Now you know what to
expect, New Year ! "

On the 2nd of January he returned inevitably- like
everyone else to the happy human mean of moderate im-
perfection. But contrary to everyone else he had the
satisfaction of feeling that ho was being a better man than
he had set out to be.

JANUARY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

FLIGHTING.

])i<;i:i- the ditch and very muddy,

And the time serins very Ion;; ;
There's a, sunset wild and ruddy,

The West roars a song ;
And the dusk is just a-falling

And it 's lonesome as can be
Ere the geese come in a-calling

(311 the cold wet sea 1

Yrs, 'tis lonesome in the ditches

(Where's the whistle of the wings ?)
And the dusk is full of witches

And of Big Black Things ;
Funk, blue funk for him who strikes it

Has the bogey-haunted bog,
And the only one who likes it

Is a red wet dog !

He 's a-twitch to hear the whicker

Of the pinions down the sky,
While the ghosts they bawl and bicker

And the gusts boom by ;
And you pat him for protection

Ah, you hardly would suppose
So much comfort and affection

In a cold wet nose !

Hark, the gaggle I Up the gun, then

'Twas the neatest left-and-right ;
"Fetch 'em, boy, and we '11 be done, then,

Two 's enough to-night ;
Leave the shadows to their sinking,

Leave the ghosts their howling glee,
It 's yourself that will be thinking

Of your hot wet tea ! "

AFTEEMAS.

A PROJECT is on foot, supported by
a number of influential tradesmen, to
inaugurate a New Season of present-
giving, supplementary to Christmas
and New Year's Day, to be called
Aftermas. It will, it is believed, fill a
long-felt want.

The origin of Aftermas is the disap-
pointment with her own gifts recently
experienced by a well-known Society
lady on viewing those of her fellow
guests in a country house at Yule-tide.

" Why," she exclaimed, "you seem
to have received everything that I
really wanted i "

" But," was the natural reply, " were
you not asked what you would like ? "

"I was," she said, "but I couldn't
for the life of me think. Now I know."

This charming person had struck on
a basic truth of life, namely that envy
rs stronger than choice, and it is this
fundamental human foible which the
Now Season will do much to satisfy.

The root idea of Aftermas is the
giving of the presents which we know
beyond question that our friends will
like. Everyone will admit that Christ-
mas and New Year's Day rarely leave
us with the best things ; Aftermas will

Lift Attendant. " POUBTH FLOOR: LADIES' COSTUMES, MILLTNEBY, BOOTS', SHOES AND
"OSERY." Breathless Old Lady (hopelessly lost). " I-I-IBEMUNQBY."

Lift Attendant. " RESTAUBANT, TOP FLOOR." (Whisks her tip.)

do so. To some extent, it may be urged,
New Year's Day ought to do so now,
since it is a week later than Christmas.
But as a matter of practical politics
this is not so. Christmas itself is a
dies non (as the learned say). Boxing
Day is another of the same Latin bunch,
and the days that immediately follow
are not adapted for correspondence, even
if one's friends were disposed so soon
to go shopping once more, an ordeal
from which they naturally shrink after
their recent terrible experiences.

Thus, as a corrective to the mala-
droitness of Christmas benefactions,
New Year's Day is of little use. But
Aftermas should fulfil every condition,
since it has been decided to put the
date well forward, even as far as the
end of January, to give everyone time

really to examine the presents of their
friends and make up their minds abso-
lutely. Lists will then be sent in and
well, they will see what they will see.
Arising out of this Aftermas move-
ment is a scheme, much favoured in
Bond Street, to set apart the second
Monday in every month throughout the
year as a day on which friends should
exchange valuable gifts. A plan to bring
back the glories of February 14 with
really expensive valentines is also afoot,
and there are supporters also of the
birthdays of Messrs. ASQUITH, BONAR
LAW, KEDMOND and MACDONALD as
occasions to be ear-marked for genial
contests in generosity among friends.
But at present the weight of the attack
is being directed to the solid establish-
ment of Aftermas.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANCABY 8, 1913.

Mother (after relating pathetic story). "Now, REGGIE, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GIVE youa BUNNY TO. THAT POOR LITTLE HOT TOO
SAW TO-DAY WHO HASN'T AST FATHEE?" Reggie (clutching rabbit). " COULDN'T WE GIVE HIM FATHEB INSTEAD?"

THE RENEGADE.

(A memory of Yule, and dedicated to Mr. GEORGE
RUSSELL, who writes innocenily in " Thz Manchester
Guardian" : "Still, let not the vegetarian lift up his
horn against the meat-eater : I havz seen gross excesses
committed in plum-pudding.")

THIS is the tragedy of Mary Smith

(My cousin), who supposed that it was criminal

To slay one's brother ox and eat him with

Mustard and what not. .Bless your heart, sorna
women '11

Believe in anything. Each crank 's a prophet.

Mary became a veg. Just now she 's off it.

It started when, some month or more ago

(I will say this, that Mary did not err long),
She haled me to that house of fear and woe,

The restaurant of Mr. Ambrose Furlong : '
And all about us sat (ye saints, deliver us !)
The glum-faced armies of the graminivorous.
There was a deathly silence o'er the place,

Save only when, amid the murk and stillness,
A nut went off; the food I could not face,

But trifled with some tracts on " Human Illness,"
The Way to Better Life: Flesh Food and Nemesis,"
Till Mary finished, and we left the premises.

It was the festal board,
honours vowed to

various

Yule-

The scene is changed.

Graced with the

tide ;
The turkey queened it, and the beef was lord,

But Mary, by the doctrines of her school tied,
Though wistful glances stole across her features,
Disdained to batten on her fellow-creatures.

Till, ringed with dancing flame, divinely brown,
With white hair glistening and with scarlet berry,

The Bacchant pudding in the cloth camo down,
Hailed by a revel cheer; and, now grown merry,

Ev'n she, the death's head, scouting melancholy,

Was fain to eat, and cut into the folly.

When "No," I said, and stayed her with the thought,
" This is your kinsman. No, you must not do it.

The fare you ask for, by some go'd distraught,
Is principally made of best beef suet.

In pomp of old he ranged betwixt the hedges

(All but the plums). Where, traitress, are your pledges ? '

And Mary heard, and Mary's cheek grew pale ;

Her spirit strove and underwent contortion,
Then yielded suddenly, and chanced the bale.

" Hang it," she cried, and took a hefty portion.
Since when, apostate proved, she daily smothers
Her natural feelings and devours her brothers.

EVOK.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANL-AHY 8, 1913.

MARKING TIME.

ANN (during a hitch). " SHALL WE EVER GET TO THE DOCTOR'S?"
CHAUFFEUR LLOYD GEORGE (hopefully). " OH, YES ; SOONER OR LATER."

MAKV ANN-. " WELL, I THOUGHT I'D ASK, 'CAUSE I SEE THE TICKER'S GOING ON
AS HARD AS EVER."

JANUARY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIAIVZ o TOBY, M.P.)

HOGMANAY IN LONDON.

At the New Year's Eve Supper, given by the Senior Liberal Whip by way of consolation to the Scottish Members, the Brothers
WASON bring down the house.

House of Commons, Monday, Decem-
ber 30. Members back again after
shortest Christmas recess known to
history. Nervous anxiety prevalent in
Whips' Room reflected on Treasury
Bench. Ambush apprehended. BAN-
BURY'B famous manoeuvre, with its
practical result of adding a full week to
uncanny extension of session, might
encourage further effort on same lines.

Apart from other considerations effect
of the successful ambush has been
distinctly favourable to the Party
for whose repulse it was arranged.
Confident in an overwhelming majority
Ministerialists had grown slack in
attendance. Snap division altered that.
Majorities that used normally to be
somewhere about the round hundred
have advanced by a score, occasionally
two.

Nevertheless this first night of re-
assembling of House looked forward to
with apprehension. Whip circulated
urging attendance of all sections of
Ministerialists. Specially requested to

be in their places promptly on com-
mencement of public business. Sum-
mons loyally obeyed. Glance round
benches at Question time indicated to
all whom it might concern that if there
were ambuscade within precincts of
House patriotic gentlemen recruited
for the purpose might as well stroll in
with unconcerned looks as who should
say, " What a wet Christmas we have
had, to be sure 1 "

Ministers themselves careful to turn
up. Treasury Bench even inconveniently
crowded. Others full both above and
below Gangway. At 6 o' clock, when
first division was taken, Government
majority ran up to 131, with total
vote of more than two to one.

Business done. Time-table for Re-
port Stage of Home Rule Bill arranged.

Tuesday. If you have ever observed
a middle-aged gentleman of bland
countenance and military bearing strol-
ling down a country lane, coming to
what looks like innocent wisp of hay,
stooping down to examine it more

closely, and finding that it covers a
wasps' nest, you will get some idea of
to-day's adventures of Sir REGINALD
POLE CABEW, K.C.B., C.V.O. Started
afternoon in quite good form. Had on
paper group of questions designed to
confound SECRETARY OF STATE FOR
WAR. When SEELY, after manner of
Ministers, attempted to evade attack,
POLE down upon him with further
question "arising out of that answer."
Possibly it was mellow satisfaction
suffused by this successful sortie that
lured the gallant General to destruction.
However that be, debate on Report
Stage of Home Rule Bill not far
advanced when he came to the front.
Had, he remarked, heard it said that
the Opposition regarded Ireland as
incurably disloyal. " I," he protested,
shaking his fist at Nationalists below the
Gangway, " have no feeling of that sort.
But," he added, " so long as Nationalist
Members preach disloyalty, so long as
they practise a form of tyranny in the
shape of boycotting, so long as they go

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANL'ARY 8, 1913.

about preaching rebellion, there must
be disloyalty in Ireland."

Not to be supposed that utterance
of these soothing remarks ran as
smoothly as they are here printed.
They were punctuated by interruptions
from Irish camp. DEVLIN'S scornful
" Oh ! oh I " rising above the din, POLE
turned upon him with withering glance
and remarked, "The honourable Mem-
ber for Belfast is the worst of the lot."
Eeference to boycotting bringing from
same quarter enquiry, " What aboul
the doctors?" POLK, drawing himself up
with mingled air of sorrow and dignity,
observed, "A very irrelevant observa-
tion."

Irrelevancy was the one thing he
couldn't a-bear. Catching sight ol
SEELY laughing on Treasury Bench he
turned aside to inquire whether SECRE-
TARY FOR WAR had taken into his con-
fidence his military advisers on the
Committee of Imperial Defence on
subject of military position of this
country in event of establishment of
Home Eule Parliament in Dublin?
An interpolated remark from SEELY
found POLE quite prepared to discuss in
detail circumstances attendant upon
Union of Great Britain and Ireland.

The GENERAL not only delightfully
irrelevant himself but cause of bewild-
ering irrelevancy in others. He brought
to his feet that kindred spirit, WILLIE
EEDMOND, who stirred the SPEAKER to
anguished protest.

" I have," the right hon. gentleman
said, " not the faintest idea of what
the honourable gentleman is alluding
to, or what the resolution is, or what
was the body that passed it."

This brought up GILBERT PARKER,
bent on making an awful example of
himself as a warning to others. WILLIE
EEDMOND had accused POLE CAREW of
having used " disgracful and defamatory
language." GILBERT PARKER wanted
to know whether such remark was in
order.

" I myself," he humbly added, " was
reproved by a former SPEAKER for using
the word ' disgraceful. 1 "

SPEAKER again interposed in sterner
mood. "The House," he said, "lias
very little time. It is called upon
to discuss an important clause, and the
whole of the time is being wasted in
ridiculous talk."

Eidieulous talk, forsooth ! WILLIE
REDMOND swelled visibly like an of-
fended turkey-cock, though he had not
been mentioned. The SPEAKER'S ac-
cusatory remark had been couched in
general terms. But WILLIE not to be
comforted.

" Sir," he said, amid cheers from Mr.
FLAVIN, " 1 have the very greatest re-
spect for you, but as to "the character

of the remarks I feel called upon t<
deliver I will take leave to b'e the judg
myself."

"Very well," said the SITAKKH, " lo
us assume that you have disposed o
the honourable and gallant gentlemai
(POLE CAREW) and come to the clause
under discussion."

Thus gently but firmly led back, atten-
tion was again turned upon the impor-
tant measure with respect to which
well-grounded complaint is made- in
some quarters that sufficient time is nol
supplied for discussion of its clauses.

Jiiisincssdonc. Proposed new clauses
to Home Rule Bill dealt with.

Neit' Year's Day. Home Rule Bil!
on again; minds of Members more

' Ridiculous talk, forsooth !

(Mr. WILLIE REDMOND.)

engrossed by rumours of alleged happen-
ngs at supper given last night by wily
Whip to Scotch Members. When
PREMIER proposed that House should
re-assemble on Monday, the next day's
sitting bridging the space between the
Old Year and the New, a cry of horror
and despair went up from Scottish
quarter. True patriots they, how could
they see the New Year in amid the mirk
of London town ? Happy thought illu-
mined ILLINGWOUTH'S mind. Why not
isk them to supper and welcome the
mdding year at the bountiful table of the
Elotel Cecil ? So it was arranged, and
the Scots Members turned up to a man
as did their forbears at Bannockbura.

Proceedings of course private. But
t is no secret that greatest success
of the evening was the sword dance
performed on the stroke of midnight by
the Brothers W T ASON, clad in the
national garb. Gog and Magog were
never hol'oro seen in such apparel. It
was voted most becoming.

Jtusiness done. Guillotine working
its way through Amendments on lie-
port stage of Home Rule Bill. GKMOK.U
CARSON, K.C.'s amendment, excluding
Ulster from its operation, defeated by
294 votes against 197.

THIS BUSY WOULD.

(With acknowledgments to Mr. Punch's
contemporaries^

MR. JOHN JONES has been appointed
Town Clerk of Twllony.

Struck suddenly by an idea as ho
was crossing the market-place yester-
day, Alderman Smith-Pidson, of Bury
St. Edwins, fell in a trance, from which
he has not yet recovered.

Flying from tree to tree and uttering
its cry as in spring, a cuckoo has been
seen by an auctioneer and surveyor of
Savernake.

At the age of ninety-two a labourer
named Melchisedek Bo, who has lived
iri the same cottage for ninety-one
years near Peterborough, has just
died of troubles connected with third-
seething.

Wagering with another man that he
would drink a gallon of petrol in five
ninutes, a chauffeur named William
Heape is now lying in a precarious
condition in the Middlesbrough dis-
jensary.

Splashed by mud from a passing
iiotor-car, in which was a party that
ncluded Miss Dyzie Sweetling, of the
Saiety Theatre, and her fiance. Lord
Orde, an elderly woman named Eliza
Cressbrook fell and fractured her knee-
cap at Oswestry.

Accused of talking in his sleep at
3ermondsey, an aged man named
Samuel Wigstcr struck his wife, a
voman of sixty, so severely on the
lead that she is not expected to live
nore than twenty years.

A Long Wait.

" Even the more youthful and boisterous of
be assembly waited in expectant silence while
ct another twelvemonth passed."

Nottingham Guardian.

ALARM OF FIRE ON TUBE RAILWAY.

PASSENGERS AUGHT IN A DARK TCNNEI.."
Daily Keir.t.

Alarmed. Passenger. "Help! Auntie's
light again ! "

From a Transvaal Notice Board :

"Motor cyclists and others arc warned

gainst riding at an excessive speed through

lie village, which is at present a source of

real danger to the community."

n England, too, it is widely felt among
.lotorists that villages are a source of
reat danger to the community and
light to In; wiped out. W r c look to the
ioad Board to do its duty.

JANL-ARY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OU THK. LONDON CIIAIM VA1M.

Mother (fcc'.n-j licr irat/ to curtailing lioliday expenses). " AUGUSTUS, I THINK, INSTEAD OP GOING TO DUCKY LANE, WE OUGHT TO

TAKE THE CHILDREN TO tKB ST. PAUL'S. THEY MAY NOT HATE ANOTHER CHANCE. I SEE IT 's CRACKING ALREADY."

LAST AND LOST.

Sun rises 8.7 a.m.
Sun rises 8.8 a.m. '
Sun rises 8.8 a.m.
Sun rises 8.8 a.m.
Sun rUes 8.8 a.m.
Sun rises 8.8 a.m.
Sim rises 8.8 a.m.
Sun rises 8.7 a.m."

[" December '27th
December '28th
December 29th
December 30th
December 31st
January 1st
January 2nd
January 3rd

Extract from Almanack.]
DAY ! (It is BROWNING'S phrase, not

mine)
Day .' An the Night grows faint and

diet,
Like sudden meteors there shine

Aurora's splendid- eyes.
Goddess, lucent-limbed, divine,

Unkmuni to me (<m yet) by sight,
Sparkling in gold, like ginger-ale
(No tltci/ /uirc said who know), all hail!
Hail, (I, urn .' Hail, day! Hail, light !

So to himself Adolphus sang

Adolphus, reader, being I
While all the dim-lit bedroom rang

To that melodious cry ;
For the alarum's strident clang

Had shocked me from my sleep thus

soon,

Who am not wont to break my rest,
Nor to inflate my tuneful chest

Till pivtt\ nearly noon.

I 'd set it with my own right hand,

That harsh alarum, five hours back,
Having just previously scanned

Whi taker's Almanack;
" So," I had said, " I understand

This is the last day when the sun
Gets up comparatively late
(Though all too early), viz., 8.8.

Now should the thing be done ! "

Yes, this was January 2.

I filled my lungs, I sang again :
The Dawn, by poets hymned, of hue

Brighter than Golden Bain
That on November 5 floods through

Ttie velvet night with brilliant sheen !
Then lie not there and grossly yawn,
But rouse thyself and see this dawn

Which than hast never seen I

Arise, arise, Adolphus ! Shame

That than, sworn rotary of the Muse,
Hast never watched that ardent flame

The radiant East suffuse !
Fata will not bring to thee the same.

Rich chance till many months have

sped.
Have courage ! Cease tliosc coward

sighs !
Brave the chill morning ! Up ! Arise !

(Adolphus stopped in bed).

A Way they have in Australia.

" MELBOURNE, Friday. Mr. Higgs (Queens-
land) was upended in the House of Repre-
sentatives this afternoon."

Brisbaiic Daily Mail.

We at home have more respect for the
dignity of Parliament.

The Luck of No. 13.

" A London newspaper of 1776 asserted that
. . . ' Washington had 13 toes and 13 teeth in
each jaw.' " .

A stiff mouthful. GEORGE, like so many
lovers of immaculate teeth, must have
put his foot in it.

From a leading article in The West-
minster Gazette :

" New Year's Day is a Milestone which the
least observant of us can hardly fail to pass
unnoticed."

The writer, though, has failed easily.
Indeed, it hardly looks as though he
had tried to pass it unnoticed.

" Born on November 27 last, the little boy
will, should things remain as at present, one
day become Marquess of Lansdowne."

AfancJtester Evening News.

I Not, however, if the present Lord
i LANSDOWNK remains as at present.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

AT THE PLAY.

" HULLO, EAO-TIMI.: "
I surrosK that if you call a tiling a
" Revue," it is meant to be a satire on
persons in the public eye and on cunvnt
vogues and events, and I therefore
assume that all the chorus-part of
Messrs. PEMBEUTON and DE COUHVILLE'S
production at tho Hippodrome was
designed to satirise the choruses of
Musical Comedy. If, as I hope, I am
right, the imitation here given of the old
meaningless banalities was almost too
perfect, for its intention clearly escaped
the intelligence of the audience, who
received it with loud and unsuspicious
approval, as if it were tho real thing.
I am not sure that even the chorus
itself recognised what it was there for.
But Miss ETHEL LEVEY knew all about
it, and her Musical Comedy methods in
the duet with the foreign huzzar were
very delightful for those who appre-
ciated her humour. On the other
hand, Mr. JAMIESON DODDS, who played
the part of the gallant officer, seemed
to take it quite seriously.

But for the interludes between the
choruses, the " Eevue " would have been
a tedious business, for the ugliness
of rag-time dances soon gets on the
nerves. The clou of the evening was an
" Extra Turn," entitled " The Dramatists
get what they want." It was almost

THE SPIRIT OP BAG-TIME.
Miss ETHEL LEVEY.

unbelievable that this was from the
same pens that wrote the rag-time
part, yet the programme mentioned n<
other authorship. The protestation;
of the artistes from the Music-halls
a decent dog-trainer and his wife, i
perfectly respectable acrobat, witii si>
children in common against the quos

ionable character of tho words ^
were given to say in a sort of Stage
Society drama, were exquisite fooling;
ind here again Miss KTHKL LEVEY was
he soul of the I'un, though Mr. HEGCIK,
n a smaller and less exacting part, was
ust as good. It was a delightful little
jurlesque, and deserved a much more
esponsive audience.

Another excellent interlude was the
Sentimental Drama of the mother and
icr lost child (allusive to The Tide ? ),
vith interpolations from the body of
lie house. Here Miss DOROTHY MINTO
was in happy vein, and the attempts
nade by the child (first a real child,
ind then, after objection raised by tho
j.C.C. because of the lateness of the
lour, a grown-up member of the staff,
quite as old as the mother) to secure
>aternal recognition from just anybody
hat came along were most acceptable.

There was nothing topical in the
American dialogue between those ad-
mirable artistes, Mr. LEW HEAEN and
,he lady who calls herself "BoNiTA,"
iut it was extremely amusing. Indeed
,he large American element did most
of the funny work of the evening, and
iven the actress who played Britannia
n a Union Jack had apparently been
mported from over the Atlantic, to
sing the merits of the " red, white and
Dlyew." I don 't know where the chorus
came from, but they were well above
the average in good looks.

A few public characters were intro-
duced, but in many cases we were left
to gather their identity from the pro-
gramme or the dialogue. Worse like-
nesses than those of Messrs. CHUBCHILL,
P. E. SMITH, GRANVJLLE BARKER and
the PRESIDENT of the Divorce Court it
would be very difficult to produce. The
representative of Mr. MARTIN HARVEY
was more like the original, but The Only
Way is too established an institution
to ridicule at this time of day even if
the impersonator had got Mr. HARVEY'S
voice right. But a really excellent
imitation of Mr. GEORGE GRAVES was
given by Mr. CYRIL CLENSY in the
midst of playing the character of Sir
Wilkie Bard ; and Mr. GERALD KIBBY
successfully assumed the manner of Mr
GEORGE GHOSSMITH, though he coulc
hardly hope to reproduce his legs.

For a satire on the passing hour this
" Eevue " was not quite catholic enough
in its allusions. Its authors over-esti-
mated the part played in our lives by the
stage. There really are other things
Still, after all, there are few interests
that more closely touch so many types
For the camps of the Higher Drama, tht
Legitimate, and Musical Comedy have
little traffic with one another, and tin
way of the true devotee of the Hall
lies apart from them all.

The audience at the Hippodrome was
nado of all these types a sprinkling
if the first two and strong contingents
if the others ; and it is matter for

The One. "Hullo, ASQUITH I "

The Other. " Shut up, AUSTBS. Can't you
see I 'm WINSTON ? "

The One. "Well, I'm not AUSTEN either.
[ 'm F. E. SMITH in the programme."

compliment that the authors of this
miscellany and their versatile cast
should have given so much pleasure
;o so mixed a crowd. O. S.

From the programme of a concert
at Kew :

" ' Polonaiseina ' . . Chopin.

' Toreador ' . . . Carman. ' '
Give us Faust's " Nocturneinaflat " all
the time.

From a notice-board at Leicester :

" HOTEL.

ESTABLISHED IN THE 13th CENTURY,

RE-OPENED
UNDER ENTIRELY NEW MANAGEMENT."

No doubt the change of management
was necessary, but the old place will
never seem the same again.

"The eighth aimual meeting of the Peace
Conference was held at St. James' Palace this
(Wednesday) afternoon."

Staffordshire Sentinel.
The dilatoriness of Turkey is becoming
a scandal.

"Le travail do M. Knochblauch (Kixmel
est un bon divertissement pour dcs peuples,
moins avaiicds en civilisation que nous no h
sornmes." IS Opinion.
We hope that the thousands of Britons
who saw the play at the Garrick, anc
enjoyed it, will not take the above too
much to heart.

JANUARY 8, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Belated Sportsman (arriving just as hounds are moving off after breaking up their fox). "I'VE SEEN sous HUNTED FOX; HE'S

BEHIND, JUST OVER THE ROAD." Hunisttiatl. " TlIB "UNTED POX 18 INSIDE IK 'OUNDS, SlE."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
IN John of Jingalo (CHAPMAN AND HALL) Mr. LAURENCE
HOUSMAN lets out a number of bees that have been swarm-
ing in his bonnet (or ought I rather to say his toque?),
some of which havo very acute little darts concealed about
them ; others, I think, are content, like the telephone,
with a mere intermittent buzzing. Jingalo is a country
whose capital may be described in the good old phrase as
situated not a hundred miles from Whitehall, and it is only
by an ingenious system of transpositions, and by the
device of alluding quite frequently to England as a co-
existent European state, that the author prevents us from
saying at every turn, " How on earth could anyone dare to
publish a book like this ? " Mr. HOUSMAN'S main thesis
IP that Jingalo is governed by a class of office-seekers
(represented at any given moment by the Cabinet), who are
wholly unsupported by the voice of the people, and use
alike the democratic will and the institution of monarchy
to serve their bureaucratic ends. Having tumbled down the
palace staircase upon his head, King John begins to " see
tilings," and the scope of his vision is further enlarged by
conversations with his son Max, a Max with whose cynical
detachment we somehow seem familiar. It will not come
as a shock to anyone to learn that the Dramatic Censorship
and Women's Suffrage are cases in which King John sees
fit to set his counsellors at defiance; but these are only two
and not, I think, the sharpest of the points which Mr.
HOUSMAN has made. I admire most the monarch's decision
to revive the ceremony of washing beggars' feet; on Maun-

day Thursday, attended by the whole Order of Knights of
the Thorn in full robes ; and the epilogue : " And when
their ordeal by water was over then the twelve beggars all
of guaranteed good character though not actual communi-
cants reseived with delight each a new pair of shoes and
stockings, which they were able to sell immediately
at fabulous prices to collectors of curiosities, chiefly
Americans. And that same night twelve very happy
beggars, all more or less drunk, made their appearance on
the largest music-hall stage in the metropolis, where the
whole scene was elaborately re-enacted in Joe-simile,
followed by a cinematograph record of the actual event."
That bee stings.

1 have been reading an extraordinary, not to say night-
marish, book about the Mysterious East. It is called The
White Knight (MUBRAY) and begins on board a P. & O.
liner, passengers on which were Denis Grey and Howell.
The former, I gathered, had come out to Egypt as the guest
of his Oxford friend, Howell, who was not only " one of the
quietest men in Balliol," but on his mother's side a Bedouin
Arab. Naturally this unusual combination was not without
startling results, because, as it happened, there was a high-
pressure blood feud going on at the time between Howell's
tribe and another ; and hardly had the two travellers dis-
embarked at Port Said when events began simply to hum.
I have a fixed idea that had I been Grey I should have
called the visit a failure. To begin with, having expressed
a wish (the least he could do) to join his host's brotherhood,
he found himself bound hand and foot and involved in the
cios'o terrifying eaiertaiumeut of -gcnga and green lights

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUAUY 8, 1913.

Later, he had to fight for his life in a I shall select that often misapplied word "subtle There
and was only rescued bv the heroine is none that comes nearer to Mr. IORBEST REID'S peculiar
defeat. Well, really/ 1 mean- - method of telling half a tale, and suggesting the rest, which
you may then find out for yourself if you have interest and

imagination enough. Only the other day I saw that

Amongst '>thi-r questions that occur to the sceptical reader
< " Where was Lord KITCHENER?" Briefly, Mr. T. G.

WAKELING has written a sometimes exciting, but more often
rather nonsensical, story about a country that he evidently
knows and loves. The interest would have been stronger
if the author had been less eager to combine it with in-
struction. The characters have a disconcerting habit of
holding long natural-history dialogues in question and
answer, such as I take to be unusual for men in moments
of emotional stress. But the big fight in the last chapters
is tremendous fun, and justifies the making of the book
for those who like that sort of thing.

In The Letter-Bag of Lady Elizabeth Spencer-Stanhope
(JOHN LANE) Mr. 'STIRLING provides some fascinating
reading. The collection is designed to form a continuation
and conclusion of two
earlier works, Coke of
Norfolk and his Friends
and Annals of a York-
shire House. The con-
tents of the Letter-Bag
mainly consist of corre-
spondence addressed to
or written by JOHN
SPENCER- STANHOPE,
who lived and saw wide
variety of life between
the years 1787 and 1873.
It is impossible in the
limited accommodation
of this "Booking-Office"
adequately to deal with
the teeming pages of
volumes which picture
the social existence of
two generations and
record gossip and con-
fidences exchanged over
half a century. If the
book did nothing more RH^KD*!]:!.
than rescue the memory

Mr. REID was writing on " The Boy in Fiction," and
certainly the list of his own books would seem to give him
some claim to speak with authority. All his stories are
in fact studies, extraordinarily clever and detailed and
painstaking, of certain types of adolescence. In Following
Darkness, the boy, Peter Waring, who is its central
character and tells his own tale in the first person, is
drawn with an ingenuity that is quite merciless. The
result is a picture attractive, almost in spite of itself, from

this quality of sincerity. Ij1 ~ :t * l ' - 1 tu "*

no other ground could

For it must be confessed that on
Peter's be called an engaging

personality. Moreover, let those who demand from a novel
that it shall have a symmetrically rounded plot, or for
whom boyhood, with its elusive moods and contradictions,

THE

FORGOTTEN DEEDS OF VALOUR.
OF THE KING'S CONSCIENCE HANDS IK HIS RESIGNATION TO

its romance and happi-
ness and despair, has
no sufficient charm,
avoid this book. The
others will accept it
with appreciation and
gratitude for work of
a kind both beautiful
and rare. Despite some
obvious faults of con-
struction (of which the
Preface seems to me
to be one), Following
Darkness deserves to
linger pleasantly in the
memory when two-
thirds of the fiction of
to-day has been wil-
lingly forgotten.

of Ix>rd COLLINGWOOD from undeserved oblivion its publica-
tion would be welcome. His share in the great victory
of Trafalgar was outshone by the dazzling glory of his
commander and friend, NELSON. Full justice is at length
done him, partly by publication of his own modest account
of the great fight, though the part lie played in it is only
incidentally referred to. His description of tli3 battle is
a masterpiece. A passage in one of his letters of later
date, protesting against a tendency on the part of the
Admiralty to neglect the duty of maintaining the efficiency
of the Navy, will by its exact terminology commend
itself to the present FIRST LORD. " I have always found,"
COLLINGWOOD wrote, " that kind language and strong ships
have a very powerful effect in conciliating the people."
Another apophthegm, a favourite remark with JOHN STAN-
HOPE, may recommend itself to one of Mr. CHURCHILL'S
Cabinet colleagues : " The great advantage of being of old
family is that you are further removed from the rascal who
founded it." Both NAPOLEON and WELLINGTON figure in
the correspondence, in which appear vivid glimpses of Paris
after Waterloo.

Casting about me for an epithet by which I may most
suitably describe Following Darkness (ARNOLD), I think

has somehow or other got left

There is one article
that might very well
have been included in
The English Character
(FouLis) by SPENCER
LEIGH HUGHES, but
out an article on the

varying value of externals. Any unprejudiced reader who
took up this book and considered the very tasteful crimson -
linen binding, the hand-made paper, the coloured illustra-
tions, the wide margins, the clear lettering and the style
of the printing every chapter begins with a whole line
in capitals and ends with two shortening lines like the tale
of Fury and the Mouse in Alice in Wonderland might be
pardoned for saying eagerly, " Here is CHARLES LAMB at
least." But with all due respect to Mr. HUGHES (who was
so well-known as the Sub liosd of The Morning Leader and
has now transferred his bower to The Daily News) I think
he would be a little disappointed. Mr. HUGHES has one or
two good stories to tell, and his observation is sometimes
shrewd enough. But, oh dear! there are some sad
platitudes in these pages and (can it possibly be because
they first appeared in the form of diurnal columns?) they
are woefully periphrastic at times.
HUGHES has doubtless plenty of
not be annoyed if I reserve the larger share of my gratitude

But never mind. Mr.
admirers, and he will

for Mr. FOULIS.

Winter Sport.

"!HK SOUTH Oi.roicDsHiRK FOGHOUNDS." Smith Biwks Free Press

JANUAKT 15, 1913.]

PUNCH, Oii THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

SIB GEOBOB SYDENHAM CLARKE has
decided to take the title of Lord
Sydenham. An attempt will no doubt
be made to soil him the Crystal Palace
as a residence worthy of his new
dignity. ^

It is thought that the clocLsion of the
Eoyal Geographical Society in regard
to the admission of women as members
may have the result of turning the atten-
tion of an increased number of women
to the study of geography. Wo fancy,
however, that they will still
ask the way of good-looking
policemen. ,

It has been discovered that
big game in Central Africa
nourish the organisms that are
the cause of sleeping sickness.
A 'number of notices bearing
tho words "Kill that Lion I"
are to be sent out at once, and
a charitable lady has, we hear,
offered to provide 20.000 fly

papers of an extra-large sizo.

* *

Nearly forty cheeses, weigh-
ing together more than a ton,
and valued at over 2 each,
were stolen last week from a
wholesale storehouse in Oakley
Street, Lambeth. There were
signs that some of them had
not surrendered until after a
plucky struggle.

* *

The lengths to which some
persons will go in sacrificing
themselves for the amusement
of others is amazing. One of the
guests at a party at Kettering,
in endeavouring, last week, to
blow out a candle blindfolded,
burned off half his moustache.

appearance this edition surpasses every
edition that we remember at this price."
As tho price is tho unusual one of six
shillings net, this notico is not quite

so handsome as it sounds.
* *

: :

A number of inmates of the prison
hotel at Parkhurst, who took part in
the recent disturbances there, have
been sent back to Portland. They are
said to bo extremely annoyed at this.
They had hoped that they would merely
be expelled with ignominy and that
His Majesty's Government would re-
fuse to have anything more to do with

TO AN ELDEKLY FEWALtt.

(.4 January Idyll.)
IN the January chill
I beheld you on tho hill,
O most angular old Jill,

Tall and gaunt;
Unapproachable and prudo,
With a face of Don't Intrude,
And a general attitude

Of Avaunt I

By a mincing step and stiff,
By a short and tentative
And most disapproving sniff

Now and then.
By a prim, tea-party air
And a penetrating stare,
I could tell you couldn't boar
" Hateful men 1"

Elegant, if ancient wreck.
How that mincing gait found

check,
How you slewed that scrawny

nock

With a twist,

Startled, yes, but still refined I
Then you ambled np the wind,
Yeld and venerable hind
That I missed I

Rttstio Passenger (as express dashes by). " BT GUM, THAT WEBB

A NEAR SBAVBl "

A Melbourne baker claims to have
discovered a liquid compound which,
if applied to a loaf of bread three or
four days old, will restore all its
original freshness. By the by, we
believe it is not generally known that
a thin coating of brown boot polish
will convert a slightly soiled white loaf
into an attractive-looking whole-meal
loaf. . ,

"There is no ideal girl," says Mr.
SANDOW. In view of this definite pro-
nouncement it is thought that many
gentlemen will now give up the fruitless
search. ^ t

Of the Sydney Edition of Bacon's
Essays a contemporary remarks :
"In its buckram covers and general

persons who take an unfair advantage
of their hospitality.

* *

Last week, apparently, if one had
kept one's eyes open, one would have
seen at every street corner little groups
of citizens discussing an alarming
report for, says The Observer, " The
rumour that A. W. Gamage, Ltd., sup-
ply only the Gamage Motor Tyre is not
correct." Who, we wonder, is respon-
sible for starting these wicked canards ?

" Young lambs arc very prolific in St. Erth
district already." Hayle Mail.

We confess that we cannot approve of
this precocity. In any case we think
that these young mothers would have
been better advised to wait for the
Government's maternity benefit.

The Line of Least Resistance.
Tun waiter, in wishing me
good morning, remarked that
the day was much colder. I had
as a matter of fact thought it
particularly close and muggy,
but I agreed with him.

At the cloak-room, where *
man, at a daily remuneration
of sixpence, takes charge of a
hat and coat that would reposo
on a chair beside me for nothing
had I any courage, I was told
that the weather seemed much
more promising ; and again I
agreed, although I had no such
belief.

Finally, the splendid creature who,
in return for more money, blows the
whistle once for a cab for me, said that
it was a nice day on the whole; and
once more I agreed.

But what I want to know is, what
does the Recording Angel do about
this kind of thing ?

" Madamo ButtT>* majestic stature appealed
to critics hardly less powerfully than her
voice." New York Correspondent of " Daily
Telegraph."

At this rate of computation what would
LITTLE TICH be worth ? A threepenny
bit?

" Charge of Bobbing a Solicitor." Times.

Difficulty has always been tho whet-
stone of enterprise.

VOL. cxr.iv.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 15, 1913.

THE GREAT TWIN TERRORS.

" Ton- Members are trembling before tho remorseless propaganda,
the unerring arithmetic, of Mr. Chiozza Money and Sir Alfred
Mend." P. W. W. in " Tlie Daily News and Leader."

'WHENCE comes this pallor which bedims

The Tory Party's sanguine faces?
"Who puts the palsy in our limbs,

As when a cobra's fierce grimaces
Reduce to pulp the paralytic bunny ?
It is tho leonine CHIOZZA MONEY.

Who is the other terror? "Who

The basilisk that makes us shiver
Turning our red corpuscles blue,

Setting our marrow-bones a-quivcr,
Causing a kind of hiccup in the heart ?
It is Sir ALFRED MONO, the gifted Bart.

And if you care to call in doubt

The wiles of these astounding wizards ;

If you would know some more about
Their power to petrify our gizzards ;

With my inspired authority I '11 trouble you

It is tho trusty scribe, P. double W.

'Twas he from whom I heard the trick
That makes them such a pair of wonders :

He says it 's their arithmetic

Which absolutely never blunders ;

Ask them, if proof you want, to say at sight

How many beans make five they 're always right.

'Tis this that puts us in the soup,

A wriggling mass of vermicelli ;
By this they catch us when we stoop

So that we tremble like a jelly,
Because we cannot cope with men of lore
Who see at once that two and two are four.

They know addition, oh, and lots

Of darker matters ; they define ua
The meaning of those " little dots,"

And cryptic things like + and - ;
They even do their sums (or so 'tis said)
Not on the fingers, but inside the head 1

Deadly at economics, they

Can tell by lightning calculations
The blow that threatens, some fine day,

To knock the Tariff-ridden nations ;
Nor, on the Free Food stump, can hecklers stand a
Moment against their ruthless propaganda.

In lurid lights, that leave us dumb,
They paint the ruin, swift and heavy,

Of those who tax the People's turn,
Barring, of course, the Liberal levy

(A. little thing, a mere ten million touch)

On currants, coffee, cocoa, tea and such.

But we, a trembling chicken-brood,

We dare not say we find it funny
That Liberal taxes laid on food

Are naught to MONO and nil to MONEY ;
And, after all, a mere ten million what 's a
Trifle like that to ALFRED or CHIOZZA ?

O. S.

Extract from The Nervous System of Vertebrates :

" There is no such thing as a pars supraueuroporica of tho
lamina terminalis."

Personally we never said there was.

OUR COURTSHIP COLUMN.

EVERYBODY'S AUNT EMMA.

BY all means, Jemima, make it up with your William.
No one is perfect, and we all lose our tempers at times.
Besides, you say tho boot did not actually hit you, and you
can easily get a new chandelier. Do you think lie can
have been anticipating in a clumsy and indirect fashion the
custom of throwing a shoe after tho wedding carnage ? In
any case make him a present, as you suggest, as a sign of
forgiveness ; a pair of very soft bedroom slippers would bo
a thoughtful gift.

Lucy is engaged to a man who is most high-minded and
honourable, but unfortunately he is not clever and he has very
little hair on his head. Still, I think she had better stick to
trim. There are many preparations for the hair (see our
advertisement columns), and many great men have been
oald, e.g., C^ISAR and Fra L:PPO Lirri. As to cleverness,
that is not everything. The poet says, " Be good, sweet
maid," and it is better to meet nice people, even if they are
rather bores, than to be robbed by a witty dramatist or
bludgeoned by a thoughtful poet.

I am at a loss, my dear Mary, to know what to say to
you. Yours is a most distressing case. Use all your womanly
tact and perhaps you will reclaim him. Next time he
wants to enter a picture palace draw him aside, saying,

Come, Walter, I see a dog-fight at the other eiid of the
street."

Philip thinks he has been very clever, but he has not; he
has dono a cruel unkind thing. It is not merely the
crockery ; hearts are broken by acting in that way.

You were quite right, Lily. A man who could behave
like that is unworthy of any affection, let alone a con-
suming passion such as you describe yours to be. When
next he calls, summon him to that latticed window of
which you speak so feelingly, and empty a jug of cold water
over him. If he remonstrates you might reply with some
little badinage, as for example, " Water, water everywhere
and not a drop to drink." Then close the window and
retire to rest.

Your heart is not touched, Amelia, but I think you are
a little bit wrong in the head.

I can quite understand, Constantia, that you misa the
visits of your Henry. His eyes must have been excessively
blue. But his habit of imitating a green parrot no doubt
grew tiring and, as you say his income is so small, I feel
certain that your heart cannot really have been touched.
If Percy's diamonds are genuine (and a visit to the nearest
jeweller will settle this point) I think I would forget Henry.
But you must be very careful not to display anything
like a mercenary spirit, for there is nothing that the rich
dislike so much.

I should advise Clara to see a beauty specialist,
is a most distressing face.

Hers

" Contemplating the eyes of this woman, one thought of elemental
passions. If the eyes were her great feature, tho mouth gave more
key to her true self. The short upper lip curled outward enough to
make visible a shadowy line above itself, when the light came upwards
to her face. Tho skin over the eyeteeth showed that slight fulness
indicative of animalism." " Bystander" Short Story.

The sort of woman one escapes from by tho skin of her
eyeteeth.

" The macaw of British Honduras says a lecturer resembles many
people in wearing fine clothes, making a great noiso, and in being
good for nothing else." Evening News.

A caustic bird, tho macaw.

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 15, 1913.

PRESIDENT TAFT (singing).

THE SWAN-SONG.

'ARBITRATION I ADORE,

SOMETIMES LESS AND SOMETIMES MORE.
IP YOU LOVE YOUR DYING SWAN,
KEEP IT UP WHEN HE IS GONE."

[PBESIDKNT TAFT, after proposing to repudiate the Hay-Pauncefoto Treaty, has at last, within a few weeks of the close of his term
of ofiicc, lifted up his voice in favour of a sort of arbitration on the Panama tolls.]

JANUARY 15, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

'WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT AN INSURANCE ACT? HAVE TO LICK STAMPS OB SOMETHIN', WIIAT?"
"DON'T KNOW, OLD THING. SEEMS TO HAVE BLOWN OVER."

MILLENNIAL MEETINGS.

STIMULATED by tho example of Mr.
FREDERIC HARBISON in his pronuiwia-
inii'iito, " 1913," in The Einjlisk Review,
several of our leading publicists bave
delivered tbemselves on tbe subject of
Anglo-German relations, and tbe best
way of promoting tbe peace of Europe.

Sir EDWIN DUHNINO - LAWRENCE,
speaking at tbe annual meeting of tbe
Bacup Baconian Society last Friday,
observed tbat tbey lived in stirring
times. He was, however, hopeful, nay
sanguine, tbat peace would be preserved
if the legitimate aspirations of Ger-
many could be reconciled with a due re-
gard for our own Imperial obligations.
Personally he had no doubt whatever
that this could be done easily on the
basis of a simple deal. Let Germany
take Sn. \KSPKARE (giving us LUTHER in
exchange) while we kept BACON. He
felt convinced that she would acquiesce
in an arrangement so fraught with
pacific possibilities. Germany would
save her face, and we would save our
BACON. (Great applause.)

Tho Chevalier WILLIAM LE QUEUX,
who was the principal guest at tho

quinquennial banquet of tbe Eocbester
Revolver Club, adumbrated a remark-
able scheme for maintaining the inter-
dynastic relations of Europe on a
harmonious basis. He proposed a
Conference of Crowned Heads to be
held in the Republic of San Marino,
before which he was prepared to submit
his plan of settling all international
disputes by reference to an official, to
lie called the Cosmic Conciliator, who
should be elected by tbe assembled
Sovereigns and bold office for life. If tbe
choice fell upon himself, as he had good
ground for believing it might, he would
not shirk the responsibilities of the
post or fail to deal faithfully with
recalcitrant potentates.

Mr. THOMAS BEECHAM, the famous
conductor, fresh from his triumphs
in Germany, addressed a meeting of
musicians at Finsbury Park last Satur-
day evening. He said that the treat-
ment of German bands was the only
outstanding question between the two
countries. He had begun to conduct
overtures with Sir EDWARD CARSON with
a view to their establishment in Ulster
under Home Rule in case his efforts to
secure their repatriation failed.

Sir WILLIAM BYLES, M.P., who pre-
sided at an extraordinary meeting of
the Bradford Branch of the Mad
Mullah Protection League, criticised
Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON'S proposal to
surrender various portions of the
Empire as timid and half-hearted. It
was no good giving up Egypt, Malta
and Gibraltar unless we also decided
to give back India to the Indians and
Australia to the aborigines. In view
of the GERMAN EMPEROR'S fondness for
yachting, Sir WILLIAM added that it
would be a gracious as well as politic
act to present him with the Isle of
Wight as a summer residence.

The Suicide Club.

"BIG DYERS' STRIKE.

5000 OPERATIVES GIVE NOTICE TO EXPIRE

IN A WEEK."

Dwulee Evening Telegraph.

"Many a wintry wind this fine old tower
lias dulled, the scorching sun has shone its
rays on its four sides for centuries."

Bury Post.

No need to bother about a south aspect
here. The north is as good as any
of them.

4-2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANI'AKY 15, 1913.

MORE SUCCESSFUL LIVES.

Vlir. (.((/ Last). Tm: Kxri.oiii:i:.
A> the evening wore on -and one
young iiuui lifter anot her asked Jocolyu
.Monttvvor if she wore going to Ascot,
what? or to Henley, what ',' or what '.'-
she wondered more and more if this
were all that life would ever hold for
her. Would she never meet a man, a
real man who had done, something?
Tlie^e hoys around her were very
plea -ant, she admitted to herself; very
useful, indeed, she added, as one ap-
proached her with some refreshment;
hut they were only boys.

" Here you are," said Freddy, handing
her an ice in three colours. " I 've had
it made specially cold for you. They
only had the green, pink and yellow
jerseys left ; I hope you don't mind.
The green part is arsenic, I believe.
If you don't want the wafer I '11 take
it home and put it between the sashes
of my bedroom window. The rattling
kept me awake all last night. That "s
why I 'm looking so ill, by-the-way."

.locelyn smiled kindly and went on
with her ice.

'That reminds me," Freddy went on,
" we 've got a nut here to-night. The
genuine thing. None of your society
Hurcelonas or suburban Filberts. One
of the real Cob family ; the driving -f rom-
the- sixth -tee, inset -on -the -right and
New - Year's - message - to - the - country
touch. In short, a celebrity."

' Who '! " asked Jocelyn eagerly.
Perhaps here was a man.

" Worrell Brice, the explorer. Don't
say you haven't heard of him or Aunt
Alice will cry."

Heard of him ? Of course she had
heard of him. Who hadn't ?

Worrall Brice's adventures in distant
parts of the empire would have filled a
book had, in fact, already filled three.
A glance at his flat in St. James's Street
gave you some idea of the adventures
he had been through. Here were the
polished spurs of his companion in the
famous ride through Australia from
south to north all that had been left
by the cannibals of the Wogga-Wogga
River after their banquet. Here was
the poisoned arrow which, by the mer-
ciful intervention of Providence, just
niis-x-d Worrall and pierced the heart
of one of his black attendants, the
post-mortem happily revealing the pre-
sence of a new and interesting poison.
Here, again, was the rope with which
he was hanged by mistake as a spy in
South America a mistake which would
certainly have had fatal results if he
had not had the presence of mind to
hold his breath during the performance.
In yet another corner you might see his
favourite mascot a tooth of the shark

which hit him otT the coast of China.
Spears, knives and guns lined the walls;
every inch of the floor was covered by
shins. His flat was typical of the man
: man who had done things.
Introduce him to me," commanded
Jocelyn. ''Where is he'.'"

She looked up suddenly and saw him
entering the hall-room. He was of
commanding height and his face was
the face of the man who has been
exposed to the forces of Nature. The
wind, 11. e waves, the sun, the mosquito
had set their mark upon him. Down
one side of his check was a newly-
healed scar, a scratch from a hippo-
potamus in its last death-struggle. A
legacy from a bison seared his brow.

He walked with the soft easy tread
of the python, or the Pathan, or some
animal with a " pth " in it. Probably
I mean the panther. He bore himself
confidently, and his mouth was a trap
from which no superfluous word es-
caped. He was the strong silent man
of Jocelyn *s dreams.

" Mr. Worrall Brice, MissMontrevor,"
said Freddy, and left them.

Worrall Brice bowed and stood
beside her with folded arms, his gaze
fixed above her head.

"I shall not expect you to dance,"
said Joeelyn, with a confidential smile
which implied that he and she were
above such frivolities. As a matter of
fact, he could have taught her the
Wogga-Wogga one-step, the Bimbo,
the Kiyf, the Ju-bu, the Head-hunter's
Hug and many other cannibalistic steps
which, later on, were to become the rage
of London and the basis of a revue.

" I have often imagined you, as you
kept watch over your camp," she went
on, " and I have seemed myself to hear
the savages and lions roaring outside
the circle of fire, what time in the
swamps the crocodiles were barking."

"Yes," he said.

" It must be a wonderful life."

"Yes."

" If I were a man I should want to
lead such a life; to get away from all
this," and she waved her hand round
the room, "back to Nature. To know
that I could not eat until I had first
killed my dinner ; that I could not live
unless I slew the enemy ! That must
be fine! "

" Yes," said Worrall.

" I cannot get Freddy to see it. He
is quite content to have shot a few
grouse . . . and once to have wounded
a beater. There must be more in life
than that."

" Yes."

" I suppose I am elemental. Beneath
the veneer of civilisation I am a savage.
To wake up with the war-cry of the
enemy in my ears, to sleep with the

er barking of the crocodile in my
dreams, that is life ! "

Worrall Brice tugged at his moustache

and gazed into space over her head.

- Then ho spoko.

" Crocodiles don't bark," ho said.

.locelyn looked at him in astonishment.
" Hut in your book, Through Tracklr
| I'uths ! " she cried. " 1 know it almost
by heart. It was you who taught me.
What are the beautiful words? 'On
: the banks of the sleepy river two great
crocodiles were barking.' "

" Not ' harking,' " said Worrall.
" ' Basking.' It was a misprint."

" Oh ! " said Jocelyn. She had a
moment's awful memory of all the
occasions when she had insisted that
crocodiles harked. There had been a
particularly fierce argument with Meta
Richards, who had refused to weigh
even the printed word of Worrall Brice
against the silence of the Kepi ile House
on her last visit to the Zoo.

" Well," smiled Jocelyn, " you must
teach me about those things. Will you
come and see me ? "

" Yes," said Worrall. lie rather liked
to stand and ga/e into the distance
while pretty women talked to him.
And Jocelyn was very pretty.

" We live in South Kensington. Come
on Sunday, won't you? 9'J, Peele
Crescent."

" Yes," said Worrall.

On Sunday Jocelyn waited eagerly
for him in the drawing-room of Peele
Crescent. Her father was asleep in the
library, her mother was dead ; so she
would have the great man to herself
for an afternoon. Later she would
have him for always, for she meant to
marry him. And when they were
married she was not so sure that they
would live with the noise of the crocodile
harking or coughing, or whatever it
did, in their ears. She saw herself in
that little house in Green Street with
the noise of motor-horns and taxi-
whistles to soothe her to sleep.

Yet what a man he was! What had
he said to her? She went over all his
words. . . . They were not man}-.

At six o'clock she was still waiting in
the drawing-room at Peele Crescent . . .

At six-thirty Worrall Brice had got
as far as Peele Place . . .

A't six-forty-five he was back in
Radclifie Square again . . .

At seven o'clock, just as he was
giving himself up for lost, he met a taxi
and returned to St. James's Street. He
was a great traveller, but South Ken-
sington had been too much for him.

Next week he went back unmarried
to the jungle. It was the narrowest
escape he had had. And he would have
hated Green Street. A. A. M.

JAKUABT 15. 1913.]

rUNCH. Oil TIIK UNI>0\ CIIAKIV AIM.

HULLO, WALTZ-TIKE!

'I'm: (ireat Central Hall of the Hop
Market was tlio scene, on Monday l;isi,
of u remarkable meeting, convened by
tlio Society for Promoting (iraceful
Deportment, and presided over by Mr.
Cecil Ffoulke-Lormg, the famous
iterpsichorean professor, with a view to
'reviving; the famous Old English ihuirrs
associated with tlio Merrie England of
the past.

liefore addressing the meeting, Pro-
s' Ffoulke-Loring read letters and
telegrams from several distinguished
Iympathia0rs with the movement .

1 11 'i'd CURZON wrote: "I cordially
approve of the aim of the meeting.
Drrorum is the inalienable Ijeritage of
I lie Uritish race, though the exhibitions
witnessed in modern ball-rooms suggest
that wo have exchanged the cult of
Terpsichore for that of St. Yitus. It
should bo our duty to call in the Old
World to redress the outrages of the
New."

Sir HERBERT BEERHOHM TREE tele-
graphed : " Am with you he.artand sole."

Mr. FILSON YOUNO wrote : " Modern
life is sadly lacking in dignity and dis-
tinction, and it is strange to note in
persons of birth and breeding a ten-
dency to relapse, in moments of ex-
hilaration, to the simian contortions of
the primitive savage. Any effort to
combat this retrograde tendency will
receive 'my most cordial and italic
support."

Professor Ffoulke-Loring, who was
very heartily received, drew the atten- 1
tion of his audience to the circumstance
that unless steps were at once taken j
there was ever^danger of certain of the
dances to which the feet of our ancestors
and ancestresses kept happy time re-
maining for ever in the oblivion in
which they were now buried. This
would be a very regrettable calamity.
Eeeords of the past told him that the
\valtx, the polka and the lancers were
onco ingredients of the life of Merrie
Kngland, and he had himself conversed
\viili persons who could recall these
measures and the pleasure they had
taken in footing them. At a house in
May fair ho had found a comely lady of
forty who distinctly recollected waltz-
ing (as it was called) at a ball in London.
There was nothing, sho was convinced,
iu the rag-time dances of the present
the Hugs and Trots and Cuddles and
Strangles and Tangos which could
compare with the waltz for enjoyment.

He had discovered, the Professor con-
tinued, that musicians had existed who
wrote nothing but music for this par-
ticular dance, and in Vienna, which he
had recently visited, there were persons |
>lill true to it. It was indeed from.the I

S 1

Maid. "YES, MUM; AND SHE WALKS OUT nnour.AR AT NIGHTS WITH Mn. Rnowx, TH

P.UTCIIKll, AMD EVEN TAKES 'IS ABM ', AH 1 Mil. BROWS '8 A MARRIED MAN, AS 1 Sin: KNOWS
IT AND 'E KNOWS IT, TOO."

notes which he had taken in Vienna
that he hoped to reconstruct tho waltz
for the purposes of their Society.

As to his adventures in search of the
correct steps of the other obsolete dances
which ho had mentioned the polka
and the lancers he would at the present
moment say nothing.

NY hat was very strongly felt, both by
himself and his committee, was that, if
only a few negroes could be induced to
take them up, all these dances would
instantly ho received into favour by
the Smart Set of England and their
prosperity be assured.

Mr. Ffoulke-Loring then read the
list of subscriptions towards the great
work to which he had set. his hand,
including 50, ear-marked for waltzing
reconstruction, from Messrs. Giddy and
Giddy. He had also had a promise of
support from the well-known pugilist
and bridegroom, Mr. JACK JOHNSON.
(Great enthusiasm.)

A resolution in favour of urging tho
Government to appoint a Royal Com-
mission to inquire into the Decadence
of Dancing having been unanimously
passed, the meeting broke up to tho
strains of the " Mabel " Waltz.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A FLUTTER ON THE FLAT.

WHEN wo were married, Elrnira's
mint gave us a picture of JONAH and
the Whale, and after considerable dis-
cussion we decided to hang it in the
bathroom. There is nothing indelicate
about the work if you knew Ehnira's
aunt you would be quite certain of that
and indeed it is difficult to be sure
what precise moment in the Scriptural
drama the artist endeavoured to seize.
The prophet is fully clothed, and there
is a kindly, almost quizzical expression
on the face of the sea-monster. Neither
of us, Elmira nor I, considers the thing
very beautiful, and, except when Miss
Tompkinson seemed likely to call, we
felt that the bathroom was the most
suitable home for it. It hangs just
over the geyser and looks, I think,
rather well.

At four o'clock last Thursday after-
noon the dreaded event happened, and,
in accordance with the pre-arranged
scheme, as soon as I heard the draw-
ing-rooni door closed on our visitor
I took a chair and a bamboo-stick
and, successfully gaffing the master-
piece, hastened towards my study with

at
on to

it. Unhappily, before I could get! there,
the drawing-room door opened again.
Without a doubt, Elmira's aunt in-
tended to be shown round the flat, and
since my study is opposite the drawing-
room there was nothing to be done but
to take refuge in the kitchen. As Fate
would have it, this was, of course, the
very room which Elmira's aunt im-
mediately wished to inspect. Perhaps
she wanted to look at the colander -
I know there is a colander because I
have paid foi it, but I have never yet
been allowed to see it at its work ; or
it may have been the nutmeg-grater
I am told we have a very beautiful nut-
meg-grater. Anyhow, before they came
in I bolted with a cry of alarm into the
larder and slammed the door. Then
I realised that I was trapped again, for
there is no bolt on the inside of the
larder door. It would have been absurd
for the master of the house to be dis-
covered weltering amongst the remains
of the cold mutton, clasping the repre-
sentation of a Biblical crisis under one
arm. So I crawled with some difficulty
through the larder window on to the
roof ours is the highest flat in the
buildings and dragged the seascape
after me.

It is a great pity that people should
go and leave unnecessary nails sticking
out of window-casements and that it
is not someone's business to keep the
slates of London roofs clean. I made
my way, however, with a little trouble,
to the sky-light over the landing and
dropped down opposite our front door.

I was just going to let myself in when
I heard voices on the other side.
Apparently Elmira's aunt was just
going to leave. I felt that she must
havobeen disappointed at not seeing
her picture, but it was too late to bother
about that now at any rate, she had
not seen it over the geyser. The one
thing to do was to escape, and, since
our lift is temporarily disabled, I ran
downstairs into the street it was the
only way. Several people looked
me rather curiously when I got on
the pavement, and I suppose it is a
little unusual for an English gentleman
to take the air in a rather grimy con-
dition with no hat on and a large rent
in his trousers, and carrying a bamboo
stick in one hand and a large picture of
a devotional nature in the other. I did
not see 'the joke myself. To avoid
ostentation I summoned a taxi-cab.
" Wtiere to ? " shouted the man at the
wheel, and I said, rather recklessly
perhaps, " The Royal Academy." When
we were about half-way there I decided
that the coast must be clear, and told
the man to turn round and go back.
Still rather unmanned, but feeling con-
siderably relieved, I let myself into the
flat and immediately came face to face
with Elmira and her aunt.

"Oh, you've got it!" said Elmira
(I married Elmira partly for her quick
intuitions), clasping her hands and
positively beaming. " I was just telling
Auntie that we broke the glass of her
beautiful picture while we were trying
to hang it in the drawing-room this
morning, and that I had sent you off

to get it mended at once."
If you stay at our flat

you

will

probably notice the picture of JONAH
and the Whale while you take your
morning tub ; it imparts an air of salt
water. It is placed just over the
geyser, and on the wall opposite I have
hung a bamboo walking-stick.

" The daily round, the common task."

"Marriage Licence 2; Special about 30."
Lctts's Diary.

This comes under the general heading
of " Daily Wants Dictionary." Some
people are always drifting into habits.

Record Foot- Wear.

" His Honour Judge Gent, at the Launcos-
ton County Court, delivered judgment in the
case of Ashton v. Cann, concerning the alleged
purchase of defendant's sock for '2,000. "

Devon and Exeter Gazette.

THE TORTURE.

[" And the hoofiid heel of a satyr crushes
The chestnut-husk at the chestnut-root."
Atalanta in Calydon.]

Is there At6 for the drunkard ?
i Is there sorrow for the fool ?
Is it dreadful to be bunkered ?

Is there pain when love grows cool ?
Ah, but hope more surely withers,

Pleasure dies and joys are o'er
When I 've failed to tell old Smithera
(Best of chaps, but how ho blithers !)

That I 'vo heard the little story that
he wants to tell before.

Mere politeness starts the error ;

He dislikes to think it stale ;
Ah, but the unholy terror

On my lying lips and pale
As he turns on me his glances !

How I tremble in my joints
As the anecdote advances,
As I fail to seize the chances

Of the proper mode of laughter for
the prefatory points 1

Will he tell it as my father

Told it mo when I was young ?
Will he use the version rather

That the poet CHAUCER sung ?
Thoughts like these begin to harrow

As he quarries that antique
Shaft of humour like an arrow
From an early English barrow

While the perspiration oozes and
comes trickling down my cheek.

Yea, and what if some suspicion

Cross his mind before the end?
What if by some thought-transmission

He should find me out? friend,
You who read the subtle novels

Of the school of HENBY JAMES,
You can guess the imp that grovels
Darkly in my cranial hovels

As the jest winds slowly seawards to
the full-mouthed roar it claims.

Ay, and if the end completed

All the anguish, all the pain ;
If those moments tense and heated

Passed, and I might breathe again ; :
No, for sometimes rnid the thunder

Of my mirth the man recalls
How he split his sides asunder
Whilst I sat in wan-cheeked wonder

When we heard that joke last Christ-
mas cracked upon the music-
halls. EVOE.

"Dr. Waldio was a native of Linlithgow,
and the anniversary of his birth occurs this
year. ' ' Scotsman.

There is always something remarkable
about a Scotchman.

From a letter in The Standard :

"Sir, Never at any time noted amongst:
nations for good manners, I find on my return
from abroad after an absence of ten years
that English manners are now utterly a thing
of the past."

The writer is too diffident about him-
self. We happen to know that Holland
was charmed with his behaviour.

JANUARY 15, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE BILLIARD-ROOM.

THERE was no possible mistake about
it. "Billiard-room" those were the
words; and as a billiard-room was a
sine qua won, and the rest of the de-
scription of the house seemed satis-
factory and its situation was agreeable,
I chartered a car at enormous expense
no one can call tenpcnco a mile any-
thing but enormous expense and
hurried away with an " order to view."

It was not a bad house. The agent's
printed words and the edifice cannot bo
said exactly to have run in double
harness; but it was not a bad house.
I don't say I should myself have called
it precisely " old world," but then I am
rather fastidious about epithets ; and it
was obvious that if one of the alleged
seven bedrooms was used as a dressing-
room the number of the bedrooms
would be reduced to six; that is to
say, the house possessed either seven
bed-rooms and no dressing-room, or a
dressing-room and six bedrooms, but
under no conditions seven bedrooms as
well as a dressing-room, as the specifi-
cation would have you think. Still, it
was not a bad house.

Having seen all over it I asked the
"caretaker on premises" if I might
now look at the billiard-room.

" Billiard-room ? " she said vaguely.

I showed her the agent's list, with
the smiling announcement in black-
and-white.

She read it, but was still nonplussed.
At last a light broke in. "Oh, yes,"
she said, "I suppose they mean the
attic ; " and she again led the way
upstairs to a point on the top landing
beneath a trap-door in the ceiling.

" They mean that," she said. "Would
you like to go up? There's a ladder
close by."

I declined. A half-size bagatelle-
board might conceivably be insinuated
through this trap and erected on the
unstable floor; but nothing bigger or
heavier ; and as for light . . ' .

This and many similar experiences
make it necessary to address to the
house-agency profession (or is it craft ?)
the following epistle :

DEAR SIRS, May I draw your at-
tention to an old aphorism, " Honesty
is the best policy " ? Not that I think
you exactly dishonest that is perhaps
too strong a term for deviations from
accuracy which are prompted, I am
convinced, by no more culpable motives
than the desire to see properties change
hands, house-hunters satisfied, and
yourselves the recipients of commis-
sion. None the less, there are only
two things: truth and that which is
not truth ; and you might just as well
pin your faitli to truth as to the other \

PARDON ME, MADAM, BUT son 'BE STANDING OH MY FEET."

" IF YOU WERE ANYTHING OP A UAH YOO *D BE STANDING OH THEM YOUBSEUT."

fellow. For consider how short a run
your untruth has. It is discovered
almost instantly.

I suppose that to suggest that you
should yourselves see all the houses on
your lists is to become unpractical.
I feel sure I shall be told so. Let that
point then go. But since you cannot
conduct your business thoroughly and
are content to recommend piga in
pokes, in defiance of sound commercial
principles, may I implore you to take
such a simple precaution as to ask the
owners of the houses on your books for
measurements ? That surely would be
easy and save many fruitless journeys
on the part of house-hunters.

The other day one of your fraternity
sent me into the country to a distant
spot to sco a " Grange." Will it be
believed that when I reached it I found
a semi-detached villa? And this after
I had given a full account of the kind
of isolated d\velling I desired 1

But enough. You are for the most
part amiable gentlemen and I like to
watch you. And no doubt when one
is, so to speak, not a real business man
at all but a commender of other people's
wares and a dependent upon commis-
sion, one gets into florid habits of per-
suasive speech. All the same, I am
convinced you would lose nothing in
the long run if you occasionally saw
a house for yourselves and if you
always aimed at a frugal accuracy
in describing them.

" The manager . . . has been sent on a tour
of the European countries to collect special! tit s
and luxuries of cuisine in each country [for
the new Hamburg-American liner]. Sweden
will be represented by Stockholm's speciality
hors d'ceuvres, Russia by caviare and bosch
(soups)." Daily yews and Leader.

Caviare is, of course, a clear soup. You
should see P. W. W. and the other
young tigers of The Daily News re-
newing their youth on it 1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABI. [JAKPABT 15, 1913.

OUT OF HIS ELEMENT.

Good-natured Sportsman (on receiving a cup of tea). "WELI., CHEEE-O, EVEETBODT!"

A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

[" At the Zoological Gardens the nxololl, a large newt living entirely
in water, has been induced to change into an amblystoma, a typical
land-animal." The Times.}

"You 're merely idiotic, with your talk of special diet
As if a dish of dragon-fly would serve to keep me quiet I
It 'B anger, Sir an anger I am powerless to bottle,
Which ruins my digestion," quoth the pallid axolotl.

" Come, frankly, Mr. Keeper, Sir explain to me, what is it
That makes mo pine in solitude for days without a visit ?
While, if a stranger does appear, immediately the brute
Hurries away, remarking, ' Ugh I A creepy-crawly newt 1 ' "

" Er," said the keeper thoughtfully, " er well, tho public

taste

In matters zoological is shockingly debased,
And so " "You can't imagine that your superficial

rot '11
Impose upon," tho other said, " a clever axolotl ?

"No; let me own the horrid truth : though very lithe and

active,
The sad conviction dogs me that I cannot be attractive I

Now if I were an elephant, a kangaroo, or someone "

" Why, then your course is plain enough," tho keeper said ;

" become one 1

" Become one, axolotl dear I Imagine the sensation 1
ThcTvmcs will print a paragraph about your transformation !
If in making a selection I can be of any use, you
Have only got to mention it. Now do lot me induce yon !

" The lion is a noble beast, the panther is unpleasant,
The monkey no, the monkey-house is over-full at present ;
The skunk is reckoned fetching, though a rather strong

aroma "

Eureka I " cried tho happy newt, " I '11 bo an ambly-

stomal"

" Good ! " said the keeper, skilfully dissembling his amaze ;
" You couldn't choose a better if you thought of it for days I
An ambly . . that's the very thing to suit tho Gardens

nicely !
You'll work the trick, I think you said at what o'clock

precisely ? "

" Good Sir," replied the other, " pray consider the unfitness
Of (so to speak) disrobing in tho presence of a witness 1
As soon as you have disappeared tho process will be

started.
Hence, hence, away, immodest man!" The keeper then

departed.

Forthwith the gallant newt began some complicated move-
ments

Essential to " extensive alterations and improvements,"
Till finally, relapsing in a state of placid coma,
He slept an axolotl ; and awoke an amblystoma 1

DECA.XUS.

Scylla and Charybdis.

" Dean Ingo in an interview yesterday said that no stone vrouM be
left unturned to stop the scheme for a tramway beneath St. Paul's."

Daily Sketch.

The DKAN'S threat strikes at tlie very foundations of tho
cathedral.

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHABIYARL JANUARY 15, 1913.

WHO'S AFBAID?

JANUARY 15, 1913.1

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED rnoii THE DIAIIY o TOBY, JI.P.)

TIM IIEALT, whilo HAYES-FISHER was speaking, " took a census."

House of Commons, Monday, January
6. As the 15th of January approaches,
bringing fulfilment of promise of
d. for id. through operation of In-
surance Act, Questions designed to
hamper accomplishment of the benefi-
cent work fall off in number. To-day
there was, by exception, remarkable
recrudescence. Probably a final foray,
it beat the record. Of eighty-six
Questions on papor the first thirty-one
wore addressed to FINANCIAL SEC-
RETARY TO THE TREASURY. Each

presented a more or less cleverly con-
structed conundrum suggesting diffi-
culties in working the Act. The number
was increased by ten, MASTEHMAN,
Ready as usual to take on fresh
work, answering for CHANCELLOR OP
EXCHEQUER to whom they were ad-
dressed. This made forty-one Questions,
nearly one-half of the whole replied to
by a single Minister.

Statement only partially represents
the case. With few exceptions each
of the Questions was a congeries of
interrogation. Thus whilst they num-
bered up to forty-ono they actually
presented ninety separate and distinct
enquiries, each calling for detailed
reply. Nor is this all. Ministerial
answer was invariably followed by
crowd of Supplementary Questions.
The minimum was two; the average
three ; sometimes the number ran up to
six. Taking the average as three we

have 123 supplementing what may be
called the mother questions, bringing
up the total to 213.

Purists in Parliamentary procedure
might be disposed to describe this as
disorderly debate, outraging funda-
mental principle upon which . the
Eractice of seeking useful information
om Ministers is based. Not at all.
It is the latest development of the
Question-hour. If some score of Mem-
bers who, in obedience to Standing
Order, have given notice of their Ques-
tions and duly placed them on the Paper,
find the list closed by time limit before
their names are called on, it is their mis-
fortune. They should either ask Sup-
plementary Questions or give private
notice to a Minister of intention to
cross-examine him on a particular
point. By this last device they would
gain the privilege of reading their
Question aloud, a delight denied to the
commonplace Member who subjects
himself to the spirit and the letter of
the Standing Order governing the
Question-hour.

Business done. Clause 13 of Welsh
Church Disestablishment Bill added in
Committee. Long debate left undeter-
mined the crucial question, " What is a
layman ? "

Tuesday. Read sometimes in the
papers of the silver market going
" up " or " down " so many points.
Don't know why it should do either,

or indeed why it shouldn't. Equal
mystery broods over recently born
absorbing passion of RUPERT GWTNNE,
known in smoking-room conversation
as " Silver-Market " GWYNNE. To-day
he rose ten points I mean ten times
with searching inquiry about that
purchase of silver (or was it a sale?)
on account of Indian Government.
India Office, in reply to questions
with which they have been bombarded
during last couple of months, stato
that by clever management the City
firm entrusted with the business out-
witted group of market operators and
saved tho Treasury 100,000. " Silver-
Market" GWYNNE, whose intimacy with
intricacies of the trade is extensive and
peculiar, knows better.

Hence severe catechism to which
from time to time ho subjects represen-
tative of India Office. Of late has eased
off a little. Sometimes whole week
passes without our hearing from him.
Then, as to-day, he starts afresh. Ever
in the same unimpassioned manner, the
same monotonous tone, and withal tho
same unmistakable air of conveying to
House impression that if he were to tell
all he knew he would make its flesh
creep and its hair uprise in affright.

By accident there are two Members
seated in close proximity below Gang-
way, each bubbling with possession of
secret information, both restrained by
fetters of Parliamentary procedure from

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAltf.

[.JANUARY 15, 1913.

telling all they know. How different
i-i their manner of comporting them-
selves ! " Silver - Market " G \VYNX i ' ,
standing by Front Bench, from corner
seat of which COUSIN Ilucm is periodi-
ciilly evicted, is depressed with secret
knowledge of dark doings in the City.
Mr. GINXKLII, rising from second bench
behind him, is ebullient with information
that makes mystery of robbery of Crown
Jewels from Dublin Castle clear as noon-
day. Whilst one, putting his question,
remains impassive, looking as if a silver
florin wouldn't melt in his mouth, the
other is almost blatant in desire to.
impart his private information. On?
Monday ho started at a gallop, resolved
to make a complete exposure. Com-
menced to cite a list of namss of noble
lords and others alleged to be
implicated, when SPE'AKEI:
hastily interposed and ho
was compelled to resume
his seat.

Up again a moment later,
prepared to go on fresh tack.
Has invented and developed
improved system of putting
Supplementary Questions.
Others trust to inspiration
and spur of moment ; Mr.
GINNKI.L brings down with
liini Supplementary Ques-
tions more or less illegibly
written out on scraps of
paper, which sometimes get
mixed up, with hopeless
result. Proposed to read one
of these, but SPEAKER called
on Member next in order-
on Questiom Paper, and,
before Mr. GINNELL knew
where he was, House was
led off on quite another line.
So lie perforce remained

Welsh
liocn

SCOTT DICKSON in debate on
Church Disestablishment Bill,
arguing that it is easy to distinguish
between a churchman and a member of
a nonconformist body, SCOTT DICKSO.N
testified that there would be great
'difficulty in Scotland in distinguishing
between a IT. F. Churchman and a
Free Churchman.

This knocked BOCK over; but only
for a moment.

"I will not," he said, recovering his
breath, " follow the right honourable
gentleman into the realm of Scottish
metaphysics or Scottish ecclesiastic-ism.

I feel tho difficulty that, whereas the
short but practical English Catechism
begins by asking what is your name,
the Scottish Catechism starts with the I

THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM
BOLTED.

ls~ consequence of the success attend-
ing the new style of advertisement for
domestic help, Mr. Punch begs Id
announce that he lias opened a column
on similar lines. Harassed mistresses
will do well to adjust their old-fashioned
ideas to modern requirements, for, as
the subjoined specimens show, it is l>v
alluring and attractive advertisement
only that the heart of the independent
domestic can be reached.

Mr.

seated, studying with puzzled counten-
ance his perverse memoranda.

litisiru'ss done. In Committee on
Home Rule Bill. Amendment carried
by overwhelming majority embodying
principle of proportional representation
in now Irish Parliament. But, though
sound of division bell brings in a crowd,
desolate appearance of benches -while
debate goes forward remains. TIM
Hi M,Y, most constant in attendance,
confided to House that while HAYES-
FISHEB was speaki ng he ' 'took a census."
He found there were present twenty-one
Liberals, fifteen Tories, and seventeen
Nationalists; total fifty-three. This
interesting return accurately represents
measure of interest displayed in Bill,
for discussing Report Stage of which
an allotment of seven days is denounced
as shamefully inadequate.

Friday Should a red herring be
expected to touch the point ? Question
arises upon remark interpolated by

pu/zler,

SITUATIONS VACANT.

COOK. Age and salary to suit appli-
cant. Outings, day a week, week-end
month, every Sunday. Mistress good-
tempered and short-sighted.
Master deaf and easy-going, j
Neighbourhood noted for j
handsome policemen. Fol-
lowers winked at in kitchen.
Gramophone in scullery.
Lib. perks; no cap. Good
time guaranteed. Apply,
MHS. BATKHAM, Whitelands,
Park View, New Dulwich.
NUI;SE -HOUSEMAID. 3
children, 2 could be disposed
of during day. Well-trained
baby. Vacuum flask for
night 'bottle. Luxurious !
nursery. White pram, smart
uniform provided. Choice of
v.-alks, no questions asked.
Novelettes not objected to.
Apply, The Nest, Mea-
{lowsideRoad.Brondesbury.
P A if r, o ir r: M A i n. 3 it.
Sobriety and cleanliness not
essential. Outings by re-
quest. Family entertain at
restaurants. Spare time

What is the ultimate end of for blouse making and hat trimming

guaranteed daily. Frequent gifts from
Mistress's smart wardrobe. Servant's

SECRET INFOESUTION TO MAKK YOUR pr.rcsir

(Crown Jewels) and Mr. GWYNXE (Silver Market)

promptly retorted SCOTT
is a very good red herring.

man ?

"That,"
DrcKSON, '
But it does not touch the point."

Complimentary allusion to quality of
an opponent's fish was in good taste,
maintaining high level of courtesy in
Parliamentary debate. But it leaves
undetermined the problem whether a
red herring, good, bad or indifferent,
may reasonably be expected to " touch
the point." If answer be in the
affirmative, it would be interesting to
know what consequences may be ex-
pected to follow upon impact. '

riitsincss done. Week wound up with
Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
still in Committee. Ministerial majority
steadily maintained at or about six
score, being something like twenty
above normal.

MOTTO POP. UNIOKISTS. Foi ft Loi!

Free ticket for Cinema
No cold meat. Apply,

hall overlooks street. Young superior
tradesmen call_ daily. Use of piano
and bicycle,
twice a week.

The Oasis, Fitzwilliam Hill, Hampstead.
GENEKAL. Comf. home. Wages
42. No tax, no stairs, no windows,
no children, no coals, no washing.
Daughters willingly undertake heavy
work. Servants' relatives welcomed
and entertained in kitchen. Fancy-
work encouraged. Early riser pre-
ferred, but not essential. No cap, no
flues ; feather bed. Apply, MRS. HOPE,
The Moorings, Winchmore Hill.

Intensive Culture in the East.
'I They arc nipping in tho bud tho seeds,
which they aro endeavouring to sow in the
interest of tho upheaval of Indian women
on the lines o! modern European civilisation."
Allahabad ficader.

JANUARY 15, 191:).]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

FIDO.

LAST \\cek the idea came to mo in a
bright moment to call upon Suzanne
and make lirr an oiler of marriage, and
as il \Viis I'onr in Hie iifternoon I d,
lo put on my best suit and commence
immediately. Ushered into her mother's
drawing-room, T found her alone on the
sofa holding in her lap what, appeared
at first sight to he a piece of disused
hearthrug.

" Hnllo, James, deal- old tiling," she
said, "come and ho introduced to
Mm maduke."

I advanced and poked the object with
some idea of discovering its nature.

It gave vent to a horrible squeal, and
I sprang hack in alarm.

" My goodness," I said, " the thing 's
alive."

"Of course it is. What did you
expect '.' "

I approached again and looked at it
closely.

" But what is it ? " I asked.

' Why, it 's a dog, of course."

" A dog! "

" Yes, a dog. What did you think
it was? "

" I thought it was a pen-wiper."

Suzanne pouted.

" You 're a very fine dog, aren't
you?" she said, addressing the insect.

" Good old Fido," I said.

" His name isn't Fido," said Suzanne.
" It 's Marmaduke."

" Oh ! What makes you think that ? "

' Why, bless the man, "she exclaimed,
" 1 call him Marmaduke, so he is
Marmaduke, isn't he?"

" No," I said, " he isn't. I always
call dogs Fido ; and I see no reason
now to abandon the custom, so I shall
continue to speak of him as Fido."

Suxanne made a gesture of impatience.

" Oh, well, ring for tea anyway," she
said.

I had got the best of the argument,
and I rejoiced about it at the time, but
1 am inclined to think that a little
diplomacy would perhaps have been
wiser.

I had not however called upon Suzanne
that afternoon for the sole purpose of
putting her right in the matter of her
dog's name. I had a more delicate feat
to perform, and, while wearing an air
of easy nonchalance and touching lightly
on the topics of the day, I deftly ap-
proached the question which lay so near
my heart.

With the advent of tea I began to
skirmish about the bush.

I helped myself to a fair-sized muffin.
It is a good thing to have something
substantial to hold on to in a crisis.

" You may have noticed, my dear
Suxanne," I began, "that I have been

Mutlier. " LUCKY BOY, GKRALD. VXCLE CHARLES SAYS UK'S ooixo TO TAKE YOU TO

TJANE AOAIX THIS YEAH. WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK VEKY PLEASED."
(lerahl. " On, IT 's VERY KIND OF UNCLE AND ALL THAT, BUT ox TJIESK OCCASIONS HE

ALWAYS BEHAVES JUST LIKE A KID."

paying you what I may describe as
marked attentions for no little time."

I took a bite of muffin and gazed at
her over the top of it to observe the
effect of my words.

" I come round here on fine after-
noons," I pursued, " when I might he
working. I take you to dances and for ,
your sake endure sleepless nights
and sleepy days. I give you boxes of j
chocolates in season and out of season.
In short, I would appear to be de-
cidedly . . . fpris ... if you know the
word ..."

" Of course I know the word," she
interrupted. " Why, I believe you
learnt it from me."

"Possibly," I said. "But that is beside
the point. The point is why why do
I do all this ? "

" Goodness knows."

" I will tell you. It is because I am,
in fact . . . dpris."

Suzanne, overcome with sweet modest
blushes, gazed with downcast eyes at
Fido curled up in her lap, and vouch-
safed no reply.

" And yet," I continued, " neither
your father nor your mother has made
bold to ask me my intentions. Bather
singular, isn't it ? ''

I took another bite of muffin.

" I might, without exaggeration, say
very singular."

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.

[.JANUARY 15, 1913.

"In their absence," said Suzanne,
" I must apologise for them. They are
both a little forgetful."

" That may be," I replied with dig-
niu. "but it remains to bo said that
MIO-.I men would have la ken advantage
of this and gone off and been lost alto-
gether. However," I added, "I am
made of different stuff or east in a
different mould I forget which and
1 have come here to-day to make a
voluntary declaration."

"You overwhelm me!" exclaimed
Suzanne.

" I ought perhaps to tell you that
this is not at all the sort of marriage I
expected to contract when I started out
in life. I thought then that I should
probably wed a society beauty and have
my photograph in The Taller . . . but
somehow you have crept into my heart
or whatever the technical expression
is and . . . and, in short, I ... love
you."

At this critical point in my declara-
tion Suzanne, shaken no doubt by a
very natural emotion, spilt some hot tea
on to Fido. It was, of course, a pure
accident, but the little beast worked
itself up into a fearful state about it,
squealing in a more horrible manner
than before.

She caught it up in her arms, kissing
it and begging to be forgiven.

" -My poor darling ! Was it scalded,
then?"

It was too much.

" Come, come," I said, " you really
must leave your toys alone now and
attend to me. Let us put Fido away
in the cupboard."

Suzanne stood up, panting with in-
dignation. Then she gnashed her little
teeth. I became alarmed. It seemed
as if no language would occur to her
mind sufficiently frightful to meet the
situation.

I felt somehow at the time that it
was not a propitious moment for my
proposal, but I had put my hand to
the plough, and I am of the race that,
having done this, never lets go.

" Joking apart," I said, " I love you,
and I want you to be my wife."

There was a long, a very long pause.
You could have beard a pin drop. (But
I have observed that in real life pins
rarely fall at such times.)

" My wife," I repeated. " Think of
that."

Suzanne gazed at me in solemn
silence. She was, to all appearances,
thinking of it. Then she kissed Fido.

" You may have the refusal of
me for seven days," I added. "An
option."

She re-seated herself, and spoke at
last with great deliberation.

" Marmadukeand I," she said, " take

the very earliest opportunity of declin-
ing your kind offer."

I could hardly believe my ears. A
lifelong confidence in those features was
rudely shaken.

" But surely," I cried, " surely you
love me '! "

Suzanne looked mo straight in the
face, with an expression of perfect
candour in her big blue eyes.

" Yes, James," she said, " I do. I
will not conceal the fact. I love you
deeply."

" Then why," I exclaimed, " why
this diffidence? It is due to some
girlish whim."

"No, James," she replied, "it is the
mature decision of a woman ripe in
years and wisdom."

I could not understand her attitude.
It is a matter of common knowledge
that Suzanne is only nineteen.

"I need a second muffin," I said.
"This xinlooked-for development finds
me unprepared."

With tears in her eyes she handed
me the muffin dish.

" Now," I said, " if you love me what
is the impediment to our marriage ? I
know of no family feud. Can it be
Eugenics ? Is it that I am a confirmed
muffin-eater? "

She shook her head.

" It is because you do not really love
me," she said.

I gasped. I could think of no ade-
quate reply. I had so obviously been
in love with her for weeks.

" Will you kindly explain ? " I said at
last with a sort of calm resignation.

" How shall I begin ? " she asked.

"Begin with a few introductory
bars," I said patiently, "and then
announce the principal theme con
amore on the wood-wind."

" Well," she said, " you know the old
saw or adage that goes, ' Love me, love
my dog ' ? "

I felt misgivings.

"Yes. Well?"

" Do you love Marmaduke ? Assur-
edly not. Then how can you love me ? "

[ felt competent to deal with the
difficulty. I can depart from the truth
as gracefully as most men when the
occasion demands it.

" Indeed," I said impressively, " I
have the greatest affection for Fido."

" How do you show it ? You come
in here this afternoon and greet him
with a heartless prod. You wilfully
mistake him for a pen-wiper. Subse-
quently you propose putting him away
in the cupboard, and, worst of all, you
insist on calling him Fido when you
know his name is Marmaduke."

I saw that the evidence was strongly
against me. I tried another line of
defence.

" After all," I said, " what are pro-
verbs? Wise men make them and
F-F-Fido repeats them."

Suzanne raised her eyebrow's.

" Marmaduke, I presume you mean? "

At this moment the door opened and
a lady visitor came in.

" Back at last," she said ; " and thanks
so much, dear, for looking after my
darling pet."

Suzanne introduced me.

" Is that your dog? " I asked. " Such
a nice affectionate little thing. And
what do you call it ? "

"Topsy."

LOCAL INFLUENCE.
ENVIRONMENT, not man-made laws,
Is Public Virtue's primal cause.
This is a truth we may apply
To London's many motor-bi.

You 've never seen the virtuous
Apparent in the motor-bus?

Then go to Whitehall and behold
The monsters being as good as gold,

And note how cautious, quiet and slow
A nicely mannered bus can go ;
Not only one, but one and all,
It is a sight to see them crawl
Bi, which in any other place
Go at a most appalling pace.

Why is it then that Whitehall should
Inspire the bad and make them good ?

This Whitehall, which, a month agone,
Was where they used to carry on

As nowhere else ? What influence
Promotes this new-born innocence?

Myself, I like herein to see
A locus pccnitentice.

(Or, spoken in the modem way,
A locus 'pcenitentice.)

Let not the cynic say, " Mayhap,
This Whitehall has become a trap."

Gems of Style.

"Kings, presidents and cabinets are but
pawns in the great international game of
bluff, yet the winning card is seldom played."
" The Torn Card." by William le Queux
in " The Story-Teller."
Hitting wildly to leg at a fault from
his adversary's mashie he scored a well-
deserved goal.

Our South American Supplement.

" He : 'I wonder how it is a girl can't catch
a ball like a man.'

She : ' Oh, a man is so much bigger and
easier to catch.'

The fruit trees in general arc similarly
affected, light yields being the rule. The
prices are well sustained.

A heavy fine is to be imposed on any d<:-
:aulter to the agreement, the proceeds of
which are to bo given to the fund raised on
behalf of the newspaper vendors in this city.

The list of prize-winners was as follows : "
Buenos Aires Herald.

JANUABY 15, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE. PLU STOP.

THE LITTLE BLACK MARKS THAT MEAN SO MUCH.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 15, 1913.

AFTER THE CHILDREN'S WELFARE EXHIBITION.

"1 CAN COKWALLY RECOMMEND THESE "I'll AFRAID, SlB, I SHALL HAVE TO " YES, FATHER, THE PAXTOMIME 'S AMUS-

CAKEB, MlSS GLADYS J THEY ABE HADE WITH LEAVE YOUB SCHOOL. THE SUBSOIL I FIND ING ENOUGH, BUT THIS HEATED ATMOSPHKim
A l.IBEBAL PERCENTAGE OV ALBUMEN." IB CLAY SO CONDUCIVE TO BHEU31ATISM." IS NO DOUBT IMPREGNATED WITH BACTEUIA."

THE ROMANCE OF A BILL OF COSTS.

IT has lately been my good fortune to be enabled to
study an old bill of costs sent in to their client by Messrs.
Ginnyfee, Hitter and Server, formerly (and still, for aught
I know) a well-known and highly-respected firm of solicitors.
Set out, as it is, in the unadorned but convincing style of
a lawyers' document it has a certain homely eloquence of its
own and reveals qualities which have made some English-
men what they are.

The hero, if I may so term him, of the story appears to
have leased a little house at a rent which he cheerfully
neglected to pay. There are no circumlocutions about the
beginning of the narrative, no investigations into obscure
matters of heredity and early history. It plunges head-first
into the thick of things in the following fashion :

" 18 , July-August. Costs of obtaining judgment
against Mr. T. F. Hartupp for possession of 33, Cul-
verwell Gardens and for 70 5s. Qd. arrears of rent due
8th July, 18 , in the action of yourself v. Hartupp, as
assessed against Mr. Hartupp by Master Wackerley on
21st August, 18, 8 10s."

That sounds conclusive, and " yourself " no doubt thought
that the matter was settled and his cheque in the post.

The resources of civilisation, however, were far from being
exhausted. They had scarcely been tapped, as the following
items show :

" Upon receipt of your letter, instructing us to receive
possession if no payment made and no reasonable
proposition put forward, writing acknowledging same."
"Attending Mr. Hartupp's solicitor, when he said he
expected to see his client and would communicate
with us."

" Attending him later, -when he asked us to postpone
appointment to 4 P.M. as he had not yet seen
Mr. Hartupp."

" Attending Mr. Hartupp's solicitor, when he said no
proposal could be made at present and possession would
be given up."

This again has all the outward semblance of a triumph
but where was the money, the much-desired but elusive
cheque for 70 5s. Od. and costs ?

I omit some trifling matters in order that I may carry
the story forward swiftly to its next stage :

"Attending Mr. Hartupp's solicitor, informing him

that we should proceed to enforce judgment unless
matter dealt with at once."

"Writing him to same effect and threatening pro-
ceedings in Bankruptcy."

With the mention of this smashing and portentous word
Mr. Hartupp ought to have been defeated, but he wasn't :
"Attending by appointment to serve Mr. Hartupp
with Bankruptcy Notice at his solicitor's office, when
he did not attend; but his solicitor stated he would
inform him that unless he called by following day at
12 o'clock noon we should apply for an order for
substituted service."

" Attending to serve Bankruptcy Notice at Mr.
Hartupp's solicitor's office, when Mr. Hartupp did not
keep appointment."

The business now lingered about the purlieus of the
Bankruptcy Court for a good many days. Instructions for
the petition were given, it was drawn, it was engrossed, and
there was an item of one shilling "Paid Parchment."
During all this time Mr. Hartupp was described as "keeping
out of the way." This, indeed, seems to have been his
favourite fighting method :

" Upon receipt of letter from Mr. Hartupp's solicitor
that he had asked his client to attend at his offices at
12 o'clock to be served, attending at solicitor's offices
accordingly, when he stated that his client had not
arrived and asked us to call again at 2 o'clock."

" Attending again at 2 o'clock to serve petition, when
Mr. Hartupp did not come."

By this time we had passed from July into December and
the end was not yet in sight. There were again dark rumours
of what is called " substituted service," on the ground that
Mr. Hartupp was still keeping out of the way and could not
be served personally. A " joint and several affidavit " was
drawn, a Commissioner was paid the paltry sum of 3s. 6d.,
and a shilling was charged for " copy order for sealing to
serve folios three." Finally Mr. Hartupp seems to have
relented. Feeling that he had done enough for the time, he
brings his wife into the story :

" Attending Mr. Hartupp's solicitor, when, on behalf
of Mrs. Hartupp, he paid 50 on the terms of our
agreeing to the dismissal of the petition against
Mr. Hartupp, and allowing two months' further time
for payment of balance of debt and costs."
I wonder what happened when the two months were up.

JANUARY 15, 1913.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

<;. i.. l-c.

Archie (meeting friend}. " HULLO, THOMPSON!"

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
I OWN to a most pleasant feeling of friendliness for the
stories of Mr. THOMAS COBB. In any case, his latest,
A Marriage of Inconvenience (MILLS AND BOON), would
have enlisted my sympathies by its attractive title. Those
familiar with the author's methods will hardly require to
be told what it is all about. Nothing really, or at least
nothing that mightn't happen to any of us. But as usual
we are introduced to a set of quite delightful people, who
sit about in each other's houses (and they all live in the
jolliest parts of London) and discuss their slender intrigues
over lunch or tea in a manner that I have found exceedingly
agreeable. I fancy that Mr. COBB has (if I may put it so
without offence) a strong feeling for the place that food fills
in social intercourse. I hardly remember a story of his that
has not a meal of some kind in almost every chapter. And
there is no writer who is more generous with conversation ;
so much so that now and again I have not been able to resist
the suspicion that the characters were chattering less to
further their own development than to help Mr. COBB to fill
out another novel. Anyhow, A Marriage of Inconvenience
is just as pleasant as all its predecessors. You can see from
the name that she marries him in the end ; and the incon-
venience of the match (chiefly objected to by his party
because her mother was such an impossible person that for
a long time I thought there was going to turn out to be no
real relationship between them) seems unlikely to be very
overwhelming. Indeed on the last page the happy pair are
left with both a luncheon and a dinner-party in prospect.
So that's all right.

I am in a position now to understand the feelings of the
Hired Murderer in the fairy stories, who repents at the last
moment and refuses to slay the Child. Ever since I read in
a daily paper one of the silliest column-articles I had ever
encountered, I had been, so to speak, lying in wait for Mr.
DION CLAYTON CAI/THROP. I said to myself : " Mark me, a
time will come. Some day I shall have to review a novel by
this fellow. Then I will let myself go." Sure enough, along
came St. Quin (ALSTON EIVERS). I smiled grimly, reached
down my club, and gave it a twirl. A moment later it had
dropped from my grasp, and I was wondering how I could
have entertained for a moment the idea of maltreating this
fascinating little stranger. From now onward, Mr. CALTHROP
has my permission to write what he pleases in the daily
papers, if only he will keep his novels up to this standard.
In St. Quin he has hit on a fundamental truth, to wit, that
the great majority of human beings are struggling all their
lives to keep from getting fat. To some of us bodily fat is
the bogey. Edmund St. Quin was troubled by a horror of
the fatness of the soul. " We are fat," he says. " That is
it. We are hideously fat. Wo are so fat that we cannot
see the stars or the daisies; " and the story is an epic of his
campaign against the insidious curse. All the conditions
are against him. He is rich ; he has centuries of it-isn't-done
traditions to prevent his taking spiritual Swedish exercise? :
a thousand forces are at work to urge him to lie back in his
arm-chair and put his feet up. But his love of Romance is
too strong for all of them. He breaks away, and finds his
salvation, at last, in company with the wife whom he has
always considered a very queen and leader of the it-isn't-done
army, but who, unknown to him, has all the time been
taking soul-exercise as thoroughly as he himself.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUAHY 15, 1913.

Mrs. ANDREW Lvxu has ;ui ingratiating habit of assuming
in the reader all manner of knowledge which it is quite
possible (and in one case quite certain) the reader does not
I.IK-ICSS. There is indeed about Mm, Women and Minxes
(LONGMANS) an awesome air of long familiarity with odd
volumes and MSS. and crumpled faded letters, and the
pleasantly discursive papers rango from "Pitfalls for
Collectors," the most engaging summary of a Frenchman's
history of famous fakes, to " The Fairchild Family," an
interest in which not even the author's genial desecration
of those sad old bones can create in my bored and stubborn
breast. I liked best to read of an eighteenth-century
Scotchwoman, a MUKE of
Ciildwell, writing of an
earlier generation : " The
booksellers' shopes were not
stuffed as they now are with
novels and magazines." It
is indeed because of the
inordinate increase of every
sort of such stuffing that a
quiet, pleasantly learned and
leisurely volume like Mrs.
LvMi's brings such relief.
She gossips of Madame DF,
GKNI.IS "everyone is ac-
quainted with the main facts
of this strange woman's
career " ; of PAUL DE ST.
YICTOB ; of Lady LOUISA
STUART, granddaughter of
Lady MABY WOKTLKY MON-
TAGU ; of the Buckingham-
shire VERNEYS; of RICHARD-
SON'S Pamela and Clarissa ;
of ROUSSEAU'S Nouvcllc
Helo'ise-; of DR FRENILLY'S
recollections of a life in
troubled times; of Scotch
and American ladies of an
earlier day; and even, by
way of justifying her title,
of "French and English
Minxes." I rise from the
perusal feeling, for the mo-
ment, gratifyingly erudite
and old-fashioned, and can
commend the experience.

after burning down the castle, like the ancient Chinese
when they wanted bacon for breakfast, that Miss RAMSAY
is able to bring him up to the scratch by flinging the flapper
into his arms. I need hardly say that in the end she
turned out to be anything but a poor relation, though how
Miss RAMSAY manages to make her a Dollar Princess I will
leave the reader to find out for himself. I could wish that
she had not introduced into her story the decadent American
youth who only escaped the electric chair by being shut up
for a time in an asylum. Tho type doesn't seem to me to
fit in with the kind of writing in which she excels pleasant

descriptions of the hunting-field with a seasoning of ordinary
English love-making.

AT THE TATE GALLEKY.

Dutiful NeplifW (doing the sights of London for the benefit of his aunt
from the country). "Tnia is THE FAMOUS ' MISOTAUB"' BY WATTS.

\YUAT DO YOU THINK OP IT?"

Aimt. "WEr,r,, IT'S A SBOBT-HORS; WHATEVER KLSK IT MAY BE!"

If you were a titled and
more or less confirmed
bachelor, the owner of three
tumbledown castles and a
corresponding number of hungry acres that ate up all the
rents, and if you preferred hunting to work, what would you
do to replenish the exchequer your own, I mean, not the
CHANCELLOR'S ? The friends of Lord Peter, the hero of Miss
R. RAMSAY'S book, The Impossible She (CONSTABLE), thought
that he, in like case, ought to many money, and with that end
in view they let one of the castles useful pieces sometimes
when you want to mate to a beautiful young American
heiress. But, though she put hot-waterpipos into thedraughty
old rooms and passages, neither they, nor her charms, nor her
dollars were able to raise the temperature of Peter's heart.
He left her at home with the cold comfort of the hot-water
pipes while he hunted and liulloed and had many a rattling
day with a poor relation of hers, a little slip of'a girl with
her hair down her back, who know how to ride. And even
then, for Peter was a backward sort of a lover, it is only

making.

have finished The.
Mystery (HEINE-
MANN) with tho feeling that
my leg has been pulled.
Readers' legs were made, no
doubt, for that purpose, but
I think that mine has been
rather hardly used on this
occasion. Here is a regular,
downright murder mystery,
nerve-racking, brain-twist-
ing.disquieting and sooth ing
in due course, but to the
student of the subtleties of
human motives neither here
nor there ; sufficient maybe
to keep him out of bed till
ho has unravelled the last
tangled skein and brought
the villain to book, but
nevertheless all my eye and
Betty Martin. The villain
and his puppets, though
they work harmoniously
to produce a plot which,
mechanically speaking,
leaves nothing to be desired,
have little in common with
tho people of this world.
So far as they are con-
cerned, it depends on the
reader's own astuteness and
experience of six-shilling
crime and intrigue whether
or not he is deceived. But
there are also the innocent
blue-eyed A lice Lancdcy and
Lorrie Madesson. Though
tho latter is a glorious
creature, an expert hand at the game of life, and worth
a dozen of Alice, it is Alice upon whom the misunderstood
hero dotes and whom the villain gets into his clutches.
At the end, when Alice is freed from her engagement to the
villain, the hero, now thoroughly understood and appreciated
as such, is still doting upon her. Does ho then marry the
girl ? or, rather, does the girl many him ? No , she pulls
my leg instead, and Lorrie aids and abets. I am taken
entirely by surprise when two human beings emerge from
this atmosphere of unreality and do two very human things.
To K. and H. HESKETH PRICHARD my thanks for an artful
enough melodrama and one genuine touch of life.

"Tho Peterborough Isolation Hospital is ng:iin threatened with
complete isolation." Daily Mirror.

Well, what does it want?

JANUARY 22, I'Jl.'i.j

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

CKIITATN politicians arc now pulling
forward UK; view Unit the cracks in
Si. Paul's are of supernatural origin,
and are a sign that tlio English Estab-
lishment must go the way of tlio Welsh.

::: !:
<:

It is announced that Sir VICTOR
HOKSLKY, having been adopted as
prospective Liberal Candidate for the
Ifai -borough division of Leicestershire,
will not continue to nurse North
Islington. If the latter needs further
nursing it will have to resort to one of
Mr. GEORGE'S panels.
:

Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER, who is
shortly to appear at the Palace Theatre,
has announced his impending retire-
ment from the London County Council.
Taken in conjunction with one another,
and with the title of his late play, The
Turning Point, these facts seem to

have a painful significance.

A diphtheria outbreak at one of the
schools at Whitley Bay is declared
to have been caused by the children
placing pens and pencils in their
mouths. The Little Ones' Own Mutual
Protection Society now proposes that
all holders should be made of high-class
sugar-stick. , .,.

The suggestion that alcohol shall be
used instead of petrol by our motor
vehicles lias called forth an angry
protest from the British Topers' Society
against what is referred to as " a prosti-
tution of this magnificent spirit."

Taking up her berth at the King's
Arms Quay at Salcombe, Devon, the
Hull schooner Mary forced her bow-
sprit through the window of a room
in Prospect House where Mr. G. H.
JONES was asleep. \Ye are ashamed of
you, Manj. ... ...

We understand that the appoint-
ment of Sir SYDNEY OLIVIER - musician,
dramatist, poet and essayist to be
Permanent Secretary to the Board of
Agriculture is partly due to his having
written a capital " Ode to Spring,"
which showed no litlle knowledge of
weather conditions.
* *

Sir JAMES CAIUD has sent the
Council of the Zoological Society
1000 to be used in building an insect
house. This is good news. The
existing arrangement, by which the
monkeys and the insects are kept in
the same building, is unsatisfactory.

^" -U

<; Mr. PERCY FmoEBAXiD," we read,
"has offered to the corporation of

Foreman Builder. "Now TIIEX, YOU;
Labourer. "Our, BIGHT, Boss; HOME
Foreman Builder. "No, P'B'APB NOT;

HCRHY UP, CAS'T YEB!"
WASN'T r.unvr IN A DAT."

BUT I WASH 1 ! FOBEKAH O 1 THAT JOB.'

Edinburgh a bronze statue of THOMAS
CARI.YLE." To judge by Mr. FITZ-
GERALD'S statue of Dr. JOHNSON in the
Strand, Scotsmen, if they accept the
offer, will find that GAHLYLE is not so
big a man as they had imagined.
* -.'
&

The new Divorce Court was opened
last week, and it is anticipated that
this handsome, well-ventilated building
will lead to a large accession of
business.

"As we lie . . . in our comfortable beds . . .
let us remember with admiration tho very
ordinary figure of the common seaman, un-
polished, coarse in language and in habits
. . . who knows perhaps better than any other
man alive how to go to certain death as one
of the usual risks of his avocation."

Dublin Daily Express.

After a certain number of fatal experi-
ences, it becomes a habit.

"The Little Less and what Worlds

away!"

The following footnote is appended to
a feuilleton appearing in Lc Matin :

" jr. Iliggins, directeur d'une society par-
isicnue, nous ayaut demande de modifier le
noni do notro mysttfrteux hiros, co dornier
s'appcllera desonnais Iggiiis."

So the delicate affair arranges itself,
and no breath lost. They manage
these things better in France.

Nautical Note.

" O. Noronha, a steward on the P. & O.
S. Novur.i, was charged with having rushed
towards the third officer, John W. Bennett,
whilst tho latter was on duty, and bitten the
second finger of his left hand contrary to the
Merchant Shipping Act."

North Cliinn Daily AVtct.

The Act particularly stipulates that it
must be the right band.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI [JANUARY 22. 1913.

THE BLACKLEG'S CONVERSION.

[A few minutes with tlie Taxi-Drivers)
THE three peaked-capped, leather-
jreeched, black-legginged gentlemen
in the coffee shop, following the usual
custom of improvidence when most
providence is needed, were regaling
themselves with unwonted lavishness.
Two of them, moustached and upright,
bore rather the stamp of the ex-soldier.
The other was of the " droopy " order,
with weak, indifferent features and an
expression of sullen determination upon
them which contrasted strangely with
the care-free, almost debonair attitude
of his two companions.

" Wot's the matter wi' you, 'Arry?
You got a face like a church door.
Don't you like restin' ? "

The speaker, who answered to the
name of " Nobby," was wearing a little
white badge that bore the mystic words
" December Clearance." He continued
his meal without any apparent anxiety
to have his question answered.

" No, I don't," replied the droopy
one, " and I ain't doin' it much longer."
"What goin' back to navvyin'?"
asked No. 3.

" No, goin' back to drivin'. I 've 'ad
enough of strike pay when there's
money to be made. I'm goin' up to
the garridge to-morrow mornin' and I'm
goin' to take a car out. So now yer
know."

Two knives and two forks were
placed deliberately upon two tin plates,
and four disgusted and astonished eyes
were levelled at the budding blackleg.

" 'Ave you gone up the pole, or
what? " asked Nobby.

" What, I should think. You can
all go on strike till the cows come 'ome
but I 'm finished : you don't catch me.'
Nobby was very calm. " Oh," he
said, " well, if / 'appen to catch you
you'll go through it, don't forget that
Do you think it '11 pay you to make
a few quid now, and go against all yer
pals, and then when the trouble's settlec
be kicked out of the garridge? Why
if you were 'alf a man . . . ."

In the midst of the heated words
that followed a mysterious strangei
in a greasy frock-coat and a top ha
that looked as if it had been brushec
with a fire hose in full play, sat himsel
down next our trio and ordered hi
sausage and mash.

"'Go's 'is nibs?" asked Nobby c
No. 3.

" I dunno. Looks too 'appy for ;
mute, don't 'e ? Never mind abaht 'im
We got to persuade this 'ere blackleg.'
" 'Ow 's the strike goin', mates ? ;
asked the stranger affably. "Are w
down-'earted ? "

"Oh, no, we ain't down-'earteci

But 'ere, what would you think of a
jloke that wanted to turn it up as soon
,s this, eh? "

"Well, I should think 'e was mis-
guided," replied the stranger. " I know
K>raethink abaht your troubles. Do I
understand it's our friend 'ere? "

Silence answered in the affirmative.

"My lad" the stranger addressed
Arry as if he were talking to his son

you think again. D'ye know that

nothink worth 'avin' was ever got

without a fight ? 'Ow dare you set up

four puny intelligence against that o'

housands ? "

He pushed a bit nearer and thrust his
ace closer to that of the astonished
ilackleg.

" Are you goin' to be the only one to
ly in the face o ' this chanst what 's
;iven you to stand up for yer rights ? Do
'ou know that the time of the general
,trike is close at 'and? Can't you
lymperthise with the noble spirit that's
spurrin' your mates on to 'old out till
u he cupboard's bare ? "

" Yus, but

" 'Ave you sunk so low that you
would go out and deliberally take
advantage of your own fellow-workers
)y pocketin' the money what they
ought to 'ave only won't cos o' their
principles ? "

The stranger stopped for breath.

Nobby and No. 3 at once took up the
cudgels that the stranger had moment-
arily laid down, and in five minutes the
convert was won.

"Now I 'ope you won't never think
like that again," said the stranger
earnestly, and very well pleased with
himself. " You and your mates is out
to win. Don't forgit that. Well, will
you 'ave a cup o' corfee with me, the
three of yer ? We 'd go over the road
and 'ave a pint each, but I 'aven't time
just now. I've got to be movin'."

With a lordly " take it out o' that "
air, he threw a ten-shilling piece on the
table to pay for the coffees and his own
meal, and then rose to go.

" Well, so long, boys," he said, anc
shook hands with all three quite
effusively. " I 'm glad we all agree
Go in and win, mates, that's what 1
says. Keep on strikin' and you'l:
strike oil. Yus, and cheap oil at that
So long. Be good."

" Ain't a bad old stick," said No.
when the stranger had departed.

"'Oo is that bloke?" asked Nobby
of the waitress who happened to be
passing at the moment.

"What! 'Im with the tall 'at'
Don't you know 'im? That's ol
Charley Barnes. 'E drives a 'anson
cab. Made a pot o' money the las
week or two. J 'm thinkin' o' walkin
out with 'im."

ENGLISH BARDS AND AMERICAN
REVIEWERS.

IN the Lyric Year: a Great Sijm-
'osium of Modern American Verse,, a
ninstrel of the day proclaims the right
>f independent judgment in the fol-
owing fearless lines :

" To tell the truth about you, Robert

Browning,

I bring no wreath of laurels for your
crowning."

In humble imitation of this isolated
sffort we venture to submit a few
urther specimens of much-needed pro-
est against the tyranny of Old- World
conventions. The following quatrain,
nspired by a perusal of Sir EDWIN
BURNING - LAWRENCE'S illuminating
)amphlet, may assist BACON'S greatest
and most persistent champion in his
.oly task of dethroning the Stratford
mpostor:
" I pay no homage to the SWAN OF AVON,

A bird as fabulous as Athene's owl :
I put my money on POE'S peerless Haven,
A far superior fowl."

The popular adulation of the late
Laureate, again, finds a salutary cor-
rective in the following couplet :

Mark well my words, I cannot give my
beuison

To any of the works of ALFRED TENNYSON."

Comparisons are to be deprecated as
a rule, but they are occasionally forced
on .us by a regard for the truth. The
claims of America's greatest poet can
oe treated in no other way :

" As the petulant crowing of shrill cocks
Compares with the lilt of the thrush,
So, matched with the magic of WiLCor,
Old SAPPHO is shown to be slush."

This is a theme, however, that invites
further variations :

Before the shrine of WILCOX (ELLA.
WHEELER)

HOMEK, were he alive, would be a kneeler ;

And ALEXANDER, who was born at Pella,

Would yield his crown to WHEELER WILCOX
(ELLA)."

But other Transatlantic bards and
authors must not be forgotten :
" Great VOLNEY STREAMER, of Magnolia, 111.,

Plies an untiring and momentous quill ;

KEATS was a trickling rill, a puny dreamer,

But VOLNEY is a Mississippi Streamer."

" The soaring muse of talented BLISS CARMAN
Flics higher than the aeroplanes of FARM AN."

" The bays that formerly old DANTE crowned
Are worn to-day by EZRA LOOMIS POUND."

" HERODOTUS was prone to talky-talky ;
Not so AUGUSTUS KEELEB of Milwaukee."

" Why prate of WALTER SCOTT and LAMB and

SHELLEY,

CARLYLE, MACAULAY, GROTE?
You have no names likeRAi'HAELPuMPELLY,
Or AMOS STOTE."

" Great is Apollo when his lyre he twangs.
But greater far is our JOHN KKNDRICK BANGS,
Who, born just fifty years ago at Yonkers,
4 Bangs Bariagher ' and HUDYARD KIPLING
conquers."

PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 22, 1913.

THE SCHOLAR-POACHER.

[Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, whoso interest in the Land Enquiry is well known, has (according to Lord HALDANK) announced his intention
throwing himself wholeheartedly into the Government scheme of National Education.]

JANUARY 22, 1913.]

PUNCH, OH TIIK LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.

Husband. "On!

THE CIVIL WAR.

Doctor's H'/Yc (./''-/ relumed frum visitiny). "I SAW Dn. BROWN'S win-: THIS AITKIINOOX."
DID YOU SI'KAK TO iiKit?" Wife. "No, INDEED! I CUT HKII. SHI; WAS WKAKIXO A,

PAXKL" SKliti.'

HOW TO LOOK ON.

ONCK and for all, the Public must
learn that it is to be seen and not
heard. Mr. BERNARD Snuv's recent
manifesto to theatre audiences, in which
he asks them to refrain from laughter
and applause, has already, we under-
stand, done much to mitigate an evil
which had gone far in the direction of
turning our theatres into mere resents
for recreation and amusement. We
should like to see more self-restraint on
the part of the Little Ones at Drury
Lane, but that too will come in time.

It is, we know, often contended that
expressions of approval act as a stimulus
to the performer. "It bucks him up
to find them biting back a hit," as \ve
have heard. But surely such approval
can be expressed by some other and
better means than mere barbarous
uproar? We ourselves have long ago
adopted the method of taking occasion
of any interval that may occur to
approach the performer and convey to
him, according to his status and the
nature of his art, our gratitude and
appreciation by (1) a slap on the back,

(2) a warm pressure of the hand, or (3)
a dig in the ribs.

But it is not only in theatres that the
Public must learn to observe some
measure of decorum. The time is ripe
for a sweeping, root-and-branch reform
in the matter.

Thus, the custom of shouting personal
remarks to football players must be put
a stop to. It is exasperating, to say
the least, for those of us who have paid
our money with the object of witnessing
a keenly contested game, to have to
submit to repeated interruptions, as is
now the case, while one player or
another bows his acknowledgments or
replies to a greeting from a pal in the
grand stand.

The Cinema Theatre is another case
in point. There can be no excuse
whatever for the whispered comments,
ejaculations and cat-calls which often
punctuate the performance; and nothing
could be more detrimental to the smooth
running of a film. A favourable im-
pression can surely be conveyed by
other means than these as for instance
iu the form of a private letter of eulogy
addressed to the manager.

Again, the habit of snoring in church
cannot be defended. It must be dis-
tracting to the officiating clergyman,
who is not improbably doing his best.

Even at political meetings one can
seldom hear a pin drop.

And emphatically there must be no
more " laughter in court." Our magis-
terial wits must make up their minds
to forgo this temporary recognition and
I content themselves with the more
! lasting satisfaction to be obtained from
'appreciative notices (generally ample
in scope) in the Press of the following
day.

Bauds of Turco- Albanians, after pillaging.
M-I lire to the dwellings and varelmu-e- of
SiintiQuaranta, a small seaport of Yanina. . . .
Tlir IONSI-. sustained by the unfortunate in-
liabiiants are estimated at "20,000.'

(Other 1'eacc News on Next' Page.)"

KrcniiHj Standard.
"Other" is good.

Ki-.uioe will have another President before
London h:is another issue of Tlu Obnerrer."
The Observer, Jan. U.

But the latter is, of course, the more
intriguing event.

PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 22, 1913.

THE HUMAN HANDICAP.

" FAR be it from me," said the mai
with the onion "far he it from me t<
decry the industry for which the ant
the bee and other insects and birds ar
justly or unjustly famous, but
nevertheless, 1 am reasonably certaii
that these little creatures are no
compelled to ah dig out for thei:
living to anything like the extent to
which we Mankind are compellec
to ah dig out ... I have studied the
question. ..."

I had encountered him sitting on the
edge of the chalkpit past which runs
the road to the golf links. He was
operating with considerable tlan upon
an onion, bread, and some rather
remarkable cheese. His friendly smile
as I approached, seemed to light up
the whole of a tolerably spacious
landscape, and I liked him at once,
adventurer fallen on evil times though
all the visible evidence proclaimed him.

He appeared to like me also, for he
very generously offered me half his
onion and bread and cheese, which, in
common humanity to the mixed
foursome to which I was proceeding, I
was compelled to decline.

He had made a few casual remarks
on industrial unrest very restfully
indeed and therefrom had passed to a
brief consideration of animal and insect
labour.

" Man digs out for many things,
insects for one only," he said thought-
fully. " I have been watching an ant
throughout lunch . . . Far be it from
me to belittle an ant but we cannot
ignore the fact that this little crustacean
works only for food. Food only." He
took a bite at his onion, and I wondered
vaguely if (like the "crustacean") he
had worked for that.

" We Mankind on the other hand,
have to work for food and many other
things. And there you have in a
nutshell the reason why birds, insects,
wild animals and many domestic ones,
including fowls, are always happy
given good health. . . .

"This afternoon, for instance, dull
.hough it is, the air is full of the songs
of the birds. But I hear no song of
man, listen where I will. And the
eason ? Man has something else to do.
Like the birds, man (generally speaking)
las already worked long enough to-day
.o earn his food. But, unlike the
)irds, he has not finished he has still
o put in enough labour to pay for, say,
a pair of trousers . . ." He ga/ed ab-
'Mtly at the tasselled ends of his own.
Then he roused himself.

" Clothes generally, that is. The
rouble is that clothes don't grow on a
nan, and feathers do grow on birds,"

lie said, with a remote irritation in hi
voice. "Think that over," he ud<lc<
"It is an interesting and not particu
larly pleasing side of the question. . .
Ho concluded the onion, and produce-
a packet of cigarette papers and a smal
roll of brown paper.

"Birds again have not to put in t
part of every working day in order t<
provide themselves with tobacco," h
said with a melancholy smile, " o
substitutes for tobacco." He begai
reluctantly to pick off shreds of thi
brown paper. I did not realize at firs
that he intended to smoke the shreds
when he had unravelled them, and i
was not until he placed the stuff in
position on the cigarette paper that '.
apologised and offered him my cigarette
:ase.

" Try tobacco," I said, rather fool
ishly.

" Thank you, I will," he replied
wanly, and cleared the case. Holdinf
;he cigarettes tightly in the warm-
ooking hand which had gripped the
>niun, lie smiled at me.

"Some men would," he said, almost
jlay fully, "take the lot, I mean . . . .
Never present your case to a tramp, my
friend . . . ." He sighed and offered
ne the handful of cigarettes. " My
oke," he said ; " I only require one."

But somehow I felt as though

should not care to smoke that afternoon,

,nd so I presented them all to the

Irifter.

"Very well if it is your wish," lie
>aid, and concealed them deftly in his
ags. He was the raggedest drifter I
lave yet encountered. " To return to
mr subject. Animals, then, triumph
iver us in the matter of procuring
lothes. They get a suit for nothing.
And, equally, they triumph in the
natter of wear. Compare the lasting
ualities of an average coat with the
eathers of a bird, the shell of an ant,
>r the hair of a rabbit. We have
onstantly to be renewing our clothes !
Theirs are everlasting. You see where
we are at a disadvantage ?
"Now as regards rents and rates,
.very living thing but man is a born
milder. Some build nests, some bore
loles, some use hives, and nocturnal
nimals, such as bats, are furnished with
looks on their elbows to hang them-
elves up with when they have finished
ut-of-doors. But and here is "the
teak point only about one man in a
housand can build a house for himself,
nd so we have to waste another part
f our working day in providing for the
ost of the builders' output time, re-
lemher, which the bird sets aside for
ong. You will see already why man
nisi work so long and ceaselessly . .
hy the song of man is not often heard

in the land. Speaking for myself, I
never sing. . . .

" Then and this is .almost the las
straw there are our luxuries to earn
Birds and things do not use luxuries
But we have made life a mad anc
frenzied struggle in pursuit of luxury-
Motors, hothouse peaches, Havanas
venison and champagne we must ant
ic ill have them ! " His eyes began to
sparkle and he shook his touslec
whiskers in the wind, tossing his heac
like an old war-horse who hears afar ofi
the strident blaring of bugles. He wa
using capitals now and a font of larger
type. " Fur-coats, Cognac, Lobster
Salad, Asparagus and Oysters ! " He
passed the back of his hand across his
mouth and began carefully to pack up
the relics of his lunch. "Turkish
Coffee, Yachts, Pdtc-de-foie-gras,
Salmon Trout, and Derby Winners
ha ! really it makes one wonder whether
the birds have got the laugh of us after
all! Luxuries! But expensive ones!
Caviare and Diamonds, Egyptian Cigar-
ettes and Polo no wonder the birds sit
upon boughs and sing. They could
sit there and shout hurray if they only
<new the price of luxuries, the toil and
worry it takes to pay for them.

"Finally I do not say this in any
pirit of jealousy, but as a matter of
simple fact there is existent a danger-
ous habit of viewing the methods of
)irds and things too indulgently." A
eal indignation manifested itself now
n his voice as in his gestures. " For
nstance, all birds are thieves en-
couraged and protected by Act of
r'arliament. My friend, I assure you
hat I have seen a blackbird flap into a
jherry-tree, and steal half a peck of fruit,
and spoil another half-peck. Was she
hot at? No. Not even scared out of
t. People don't seem to care. ' Oh,
t's the birds,' they say simply. But I
ut it to you that if /had flapped up to
hat cherry - tree and started eating
ruit. . . ."

He ceased abruptly with a dry gulp,
ose and slowly gathered his goods
ogether, his eyes wandering across the
'owns along the road to the workhouse.

" Far be it from me to belittle the
irds, to decry the industry of the ant,"
e repeated, "but . . . think over what
have said. . . ."

We moved along the road to the foot
f the downs.

" It 's a big subject," he concluded,
hsently. "Almost as big as astro-
omy ; " and so drifted leisurely away.

Pro Merito.

" An experienced gentleman desires engage-
.ent as assistant in an olriee or position of
ust, would accept small retribution."

Advt. in " Egyjilian Mail."

JANUARY 22, 1913.]

PUNCH, OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

AT: SMITH .

The Knight of the Wliile Elephant (to damsel he is rescuing). " LOOK AT TIIAT; I *M TorpiNO AM, MT SHOTS TO-DAY. THAT coiras

OP HAVING A LESSON FBOH THE PROFESSION At."

A CHOSEN SAINT.
(St. Tobias and the Angel Rafael,

National Gallery.)
SAINTS live in paint

Within Trafalgar Square ;
The nicest Saint

Of any of them there,
Most radiant and most rare.
Is no austere ELIAS,

All steadfastness and care,
But little ST. TOBIAS
A youth of joyant nir 1

Mark what befell

Upon a pearl- winged prime :
Great RAFAEL,

Though Heaven's harps did
chime

A rhapsody sublime,
Forsook the choir most pious

By vale arid hill to climb
With little ST. TOBIAS

All in the summer-time !

They walked along

Till meads wore dark with dew ;
The lark's high song,

The speedwell's lowly blue

Made music for the two ;
No questions that defy us,

Nor problems we pursue,
I think that day TOBIAS

Or e'en the Angel knew !

Deep glowing still

The pigments do portray
River and hill,

And those who passed that day

So gracious and so gay.
Lest sterner saints decry us,

Now grant it that we may
Have little ST. TOBIAS

About us on the way i

More Sex Problems,
i.

' The Metropolitan at once secured an aver-
age daily traffic of between 35,000 and 40,000
persona, and on the groat day of the entry into
London of Queen Alexandra, who was then
Prince o! Wales, the number rose to GO.OOO."
Dundee Telegraph and Post.
u.

"W. Dixie (late Miss Martin), Church
Street, Atherstone, begs to inform the in-
habitants of Atherstone and District that he
has taken the above premises for motor and
cycle repairs." The Atherstone Newt.

"Sermons in Stones P"
" Signal service is being done by the Bishop
of St. David's, who last night spoke in Flint."
Jitnhj Telfyraph.

The Manchester Guardian refers to
the POSTMASTER - GENERAL as Dr.
HERBERT SAMUEL. It looks as if the
Government recruiters had got him for
the Panels.

ARE WE TOO BUSY TO THINK?

THERE is, wo believe, a " symposium "
on the above subject going on in one of
our contemporaries, but that is no
reason why people should send their
opinions to us.

Mr. ASQUITH, the well-known Premier
and strenuous coalitionist, goes straight
to the heart of the question : " Yes, I
don't think," he writes ; adding, " RED-
MOND does it for me."

Mr. CHUBCHIU,, the eminent naval
specialist, writes with the knowledge
that comes only from long intercourse
with pathological cases : " Thinking is
merely a matter of concentration. Some
have got the power, some have not. I, for
one, even with the whole weight of the
Admiralty (including all the Sea Lords)
on my shoulders, am never too busy to
think or I wouldn't be where I am.
Before I get up to speak I think what
I am going to say ; when I 'm speaking
I think of what I 'm saying ; and when
I sit down I think a lot of what I 've
said."

Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON, the trenchant
casuist and the greatest authority on
"What's Wrong with the World,"
writes: " The reason why we 're all too
busy to think is that we 're all too busy
thinking."

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 22, 1913.

Would it
" Yes, it

"PER PRO."

" How," said Francesca, " would you answer this man '? "

" There are," I said, " a thousand ways, all equally good,
of answering him. There is the familiar way ; there is the
haughty third-person way, which involves a presentation of
compliments and a tangled web of pronouns ; there is the
stern curt business way ; there is

" I did not ask," she said, " for a complete essay on
correspondence. I wanted to know how to answer this
particular man."

" Quite so," I said ; " I was coining to that,
not be well to let me see his letter first ? "

" There may be something in that," she said.
is a good idea. " And she handed
me the letter, which I read.

" The case," I said, " presents
no difficulty. This man says he
understands that you take an
interest in beautiful furs. He
solicits the honour of being
allowed to show you a unique
consignment just received from
Hudson's Bay. He declares that
special circumstances enable him
to offer them at an extraordin-
arily cheap rate for cash ; and
he adds that, unless you come
to a quick decision, the furs will
be snapped up and you will lose
the chance of a lifetime. He
signs himself, ' Hammelstein and
Ladenberger, per pro. A. F.,' and
he writes from an address in
Clerkenwell."

" The rapidity with which you
have mastered the contents,"
she said, " is amazing. But tell
me, what does 'per pro. "mean?"

" It is," I said, " a Latin
expression."

" But do you think that
Hammelstein and Ladenberger
are Latin scholars? And why
should they throw their silly
Latin at me ? "

" It is just possible," I said,
"that both Hammelstein and
Ladenberger toy with Latin
verse in their leisure moments.
Perhaps they are devoted to the Classics. At the same time
it would be rash to infer too much from a mere ' per pro.' "

"It would be rash," said Francesca, "to infer too much
from anything ; but you haven't told me what it means."

Francesca," I said, "I will not deceive you. Your
dreams of a classical firm of furriers are not warranted by
this letter. ' Per pro.' means that Hammelstein and Laden-
berger have not written this letter themselves. They have
delegated the duty. They have, as it were, given a power
of attorney to A. F. They have made A. F. their proctor.
Francesca, they have put you off witli a clerk. Yes, he is
probably a clerk and much underpaid."

" But how," she said, " does an underpaid clerk know

at I am interested in beautiful furs? "

IP OOLFEBS' KNICKERBOCKERS BECOME MUCH MORE VOLUMIN-
OUS WE WOULD SUGGEST THAT THEY SHOULD BE PUT TO 8DCH
A USE AS TO MERIT THE KAME OP OOLF-BAGS.

" But why," she said, " give them a date ? I never worry
about dating ordinary letters and they seem to get there
all right."

" It is always done in business circles," I said, " but, of
course, women are not brought up with business habits.
They do not understand banking-accounts or pass-books or.
book-keeping by double entry."

" And all these matters," she said, " are perfectly under-
stood by Hammelstein and Ladenberger and by you. We
are, no doubt, an inferior sex, and we mostly date our letters
' Wed.' or ' Sat.' Let us date this one ' Wed.' "

" We will do nothing of the sort," I said. " We will date
it in full, ' Wednesday, Jan. 15, 1913.' Now for the body
of the letter. Francesca, we will be calm and sarcastic.
How will this do ? " I read it
out as I wrote it down :

" ' Mrs. Carlyon presents her
compliments to Messrs. Ham-
melstein and Ladenberger

" ' Per pro. A. F.,'" said Fran-
cesca. " You must put that in.
It sounds so cutting."

" ' to Messrs. Hammelstein
and Ladenberger, per pro. A. F.,
and fails to understand why
they have understood

" That doesn't sound quite
right," she said.

"I will continue," I said, "as
if you had not interrupted me';
' and fails to gather' remem-
ber that word, my dear ' why
or from whom they have under-
stood that she is interested in
beautiful furs.' "

" But I am," she said. "I'm
simply frightfully interested in
them. It 's no use pretending
I 'm not."

" No one," I said, " is expected
to be absolutely truthful in the
third person. Besides, I haven't
said you're not interested in
them. Let me go on : ' Mrs.
Carlyon regrets that she is
unable to afford Messrs. H. and

L. ' "

" Sarcasm, again," said Fran-
cesca. " The initials are deadly."
" ' to afford Messrs. H. and

that

" There are mysteries in Clerkenwell," I said, " that we
cannot attempt to fathom ; but we can, at any rate, draft an
answer to this letter. Come, Francesca, we will tackle
them in the third person, and first we will date our reply
Write down ' Jan. 15, 1913.' "

L. the opportunity of showing her the consignment of furs
they have lately received from Hudson's Bay.' What do
you think of that, Francesca? "

" I think I know a better way of answering," she said.

"What's that?"

" I shan't answer them at all."

E. C. L.

Victims of Machinery.

Chorus of retired cab-horses, on reading advertisement
of a " Mechanical Chauffeur " : " Ha ! ha ! Eevenged ! "

"The question of a remedy is, of course, a national one, but
Manchester, as the chief sufferer in the country from air pollution,
has a right to squeak first." Daily Mail.
What Manchester squeaks to-day, &c.

' ' The bride going away in a coat and skirt of Wedgwood-blue ratine,
with chiffon bodice to match, and a black velvet hat trimmed with
mole feathers." The Lady.

The mole in question was one of a covey which had been
shot by the bride's father.

JANUAHY 22, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Guttersnipe (after dashing into t)ie darkness to get a cab). '"ERE x' ABE, Sin I 'AIN'T NO TAXIS; KEBS ALL GONE; WON'T GET

NOTHINK ELSE TO-NIOHT, Sin! "

THE CHARM AND WONDER
OF IT ALL.

(Contributed.)

I HAVE done a bit of shopping in
my time, but never under such perfect
conditions. My first surprise was when
a commissionaire on the pavement
opened the door of my cab and spread
an umbrella for me ; my second, the
attentions of a polite gentleman in a
well-fitting frock-coat who met me just
inside and inquired with the utmost
solicitude as to my wishes. This, I
said to myself, is not only business but
pleasure. Having told him what I
wanted, I followed his directions and
made my way to the required depart-
ment, passing in route crowds of happy
traffickers, each of whom carried a little
parcel which, from the expression of
their faces, had obviously cost only
half as much as in any other shop and
was twice as good. For these articles
money had been paid and receipts given,
the establishment being a model not
only of excellence and despatch, but, ulso
of organization. As a lady near mo
remarked to her astonished companion,
" It 's just as I told you, dear, you get
a receipt for everything ! "

Meanwhile on all sides the civil

salesmen and saleswomen for in this
marvellous place both sexes are em-
ployed and, I am convinced, work
amicably together were displaying
goods on wooden counters made ex-
pressly for that purpose and kept spot-
lessly clean, and were doing it with
such ingratiating tact that life-long
friendships with customers were being
formed. As another lady near me re-
marked, " Now you see what I said :
the assistants serve the customers here."
Passing on in a very dream of rapture,
I came at last to the room where my
own modest needs were to be supplied
and where naturally my critical sense
would be most exercised. My every
hope, I say at once, was more than
fulfilled. The articles I wanted were
either in stock or would be procured ;
the assistant treated me with respect,
possibly even admiration ; my money
was instantly accepted ; my receipt was
in order; in short, I was in a com-
mercial paradise and knew it. A little
scrap of conversation which I over-
heard at this time fortified my own
opinion. " Whatever they haven't got,"
said a lady to her friend, " they always
promise to get ; " and her friend's ex-
pression of bewilderment, gratitude and
joy will not soon fade from my memory.

And so I came away from this fairy
palace, a little piqued, possibly, at not
leceiving a parting gift of a five-pound
note, but otherwise in a glow of enthu-
siasm for everything connected with
the place and its superb and startling
efficiency.

N.B. The foregoing article is at the
disposal of any firm that sees profit in
it. Prices on application.

" Mr. Asquith quoted with impressive
effect the famous lines (sic) of Virgil :

' Tantiir molis erat
Romanam condcre gcntcm.' "
" H. J." in " The Daily Chronicle."

We notice, by the way, that this
couplet does not rhyme. The P. if. G.
however makes a more interesting ob-
servation on the passage. " He bravely
quoted," it says, " a Virginian tag
which even his Minister of Education
may have recognised."

Mr. ASQUITH (bravely). As one of
the old poets of Virginia has it, Sir :

" Shine, shine, moon,
While I danco with Dinah dear."

Mr. PEASE (with a sigh of relief)
Ah! that's all right. Thought it
was going to be one of those Roman
johnnies.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR1VAIU.

[JANUARY 22, 1913.

large (disturbed by the motion of the cart). "Tui THE BRAKE ON, Missus." Mrs. Jarge. "I 'YE COT us OJT, JAKGU."

Jarge. "WuLL, DAMMY! TAKE ON oirl I KNEW 'TWEBE BUMMAT!"

THE MORNING AFTER.

NAY, mother, nay. Though I be weak and wan,

Fetch not the doctor, mother, I beseech ;
It is but megrims it will pass anon ;
Oh ! mother, not the leech.

Mother, I fear the man. He is not fair,
lie does not come to pity or condole,
But to unclothe my being and lay bare
My frail and fluttering soul.

And he is cruel. At his questioning

My very secret tongue must I obtrude ;
He does not weep to see the piteous thing ;
It only makes him rude.

Nay, more. With icy skill he drags to light

Those very details that the coy would shrink
From deeply probing : how I spent last night ;
My food; alas, my drink ;

Whither I fared, and when regained my concli,

And other troths that are not his to seek ;
For some, indeed, I could not wholly vouch ;
Of others, would not speak.

So he goes, primed ; and, knowing that I ail,
( (Coward !) he sends oh, mother, this to me
Some draught enough to make a strong man pale,
For which he asks a fee.

Then, mother, though my tortures cut like knives,

Though all my molten cockles be in flames,
Call not the cunning man if he arrives,
It is all up with James.

But, if 'twill solace your maternal mind,

Seek now the chymist there is one that hangs
Out by the corner he, no doubt, will find
Some easement of my pangs.

He has great store of simples, low in price,

Comely and void of taste and prompt to heal
To swallow, with a little water, thrice,
One after every meal.

Be his the choice. And, ere the day go by,

We will remit these humours and this pain ;
But let not the physician come to pry

Till I am well again. DuM-Di M.

" Ho [Mr. Forbes-Robertson] came to the couplet :
' Kind hearts are more than coronets,
And simple faith than Norman Forbes ! '

But in thinking of his brother, perhaps in connection with the cast of
a play he was shortly to produce, he rendered it thus :
' Kind hearts are more than coronets,

And simple faith than Norman Forbes ! ' "
Interview ivith Sir John Hare in " Toronto Star WeeUij."

On the whole and after due consideration we prefer the
second version.

"I left Whitehaven by the 8.30 rain in the morning, intending to
go to Barrow. After leaving Ravenglass the train ran into a heavy
snow-drift. The driver, the sokor, and the guards tried their utmost
to proceed, but so deep was the snow that the task proved an imposMliU'
one." Interview in " Daily News and Leader."

And the stoker had to go without his T.

Commercial Candour.

" Gentleman's best boxcalf boots, just made, unworn, uncomfortable,
small sevens, 15/6." Ttazaar, Kxchanye and Marl.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVART.-jAxrAHY 22, 1913.

NOT LOST, BUT LEFT BEHIND.

(By request of the Shifts Crew.)

JANUARY 22, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI."

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(KXT1IM I l:n l-'ROM THE DlARY OP TOBY, M.P.)

House of Commons, Monday, Januni-t/
13. Fog outside ; fog inside ; plenty
of room for it here. As it broods
over half-empty benches one seems tu
recognise a coronetted head
surest ivo of House of Lords
taking look round, preliminary
to making quick end of a
ire that lias occupied full
forty days of labour in the
Commons.

Fee, fi, fo, him.

] smrllthebloodofaiiKnglishman,"

was the remark, clear in drift
if faulty in rhyme, of an ogre
familiar in childhood. Fee, fi,
fo, fum. House of Lords smells
the blood of another Home Rule
Bill and means to drink every
drop of it.

The SPEAKER, looking up after
Questions were over, very nearly
varied long career of correctitude
by a curious blunder. Catching
sight of humanised figure of the
Fog standing at the Bar, and
thinking it was a newly-elected
Member, he was about to say, " Members
desiring to take their seats will please
come to the Table." Just in time realised
actual situation. Adroitly coughed by
way of intimating that so far from
having intended to make a remark it was
only the Fog that had got into his throat.

Weird effect increased by glimpses
caught in Gallery facing SPEAKER'S
Chair of faces apparently bodyless.
These were the strangers
peering through the Fog won-
dering what had become of His
Majesty's Ministers. With the
exception of two they were cer-
tainly not in their places when
Questions were called on. As
for Front Opposition Bench, it
was, save for the Fog, tenantless.
Later, when House resumed
consideration of Home Rule
Bill on Report Stage, BONNER
LAW turned up and, as ever,
obedient to call of duty, con-
tributed a speech criticising
Clause 40.

Straightway had occasion to
wish he had been altogether lost
in the Fog on his way down.
MASON (of Coventry), following
him, administered castigation so
vigorous that as he spoke the
Kog in his immediate neigh-
bourhood judiciously cleared
away, leaving him standing out
as it were in a halo of light.

"The LEADER OP THK OP-

in general or this Clause in parti-

cular.

The right honourable gen-

tleman has attended several debates,
but evidently has not profited by listen-
ing to them, or he would not have

made so foolish a speech."

reassured Fog again closing in, he
declared, "The LEADER OK THE OPPO-
SITION has said nothing with which I
do not agree."

Burst of hilarious cheering from
Ministerial Benches testified that in

'Puerile," "childish, ""absurd," were spite of appearances the occupants are

not wholly unsympathetic with
lofty sentiment and chivalrous
impulse.

Business done. Eighth day
allotted to debate on Report
Stage of Home Rule Bill fol-
lowing on twenty-seven days in
Committee. House rapidly ap-
proaching state of coma. On
stroke of midnight, Ministerial-
ists roused themselves to pitch
of hearty cheer when Report
Stage was brought to conclusion.
Tuesday. Home Rule Bill
awaiting Third Reading, Welsh
Church Bill gets a look in.
Welsh Bill and Irish Bill re-
semble each other inasmuch as
mere mention ofOrderof the Day
is signal for stampede. When,
immediately after Questions, the
first Order is read by Clerk at
Table to - day, for example,
" Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill;
Committee" it behoves the Sergeant-
at-Arms to advance to Table and re-

Foo IN THE HOUSE.

other descriptive epithets applied to
the discourse.

Incident evoked one of those out-
bursts of self-sacrificing loyalty that
from time to time ennoble Parliamentary
debate. From corner seat behind Front
Opposition Bench GILBERT PARKER
listened with anguished feelings to this
attack on his esteemed LEADER. Rising
when MASON resumed his seat, the

POSITION," he said, "does not which I do not agree.

OUTBURST OP SELF-SACRIFICING LOYALTY."
The LEADER OP THE OPPOSITION has said nothing with

appear to understand the Bill

(Sir GILBERT PARKER.)

move the Mace, which lies upon it
only when, with SPEAKER in Chair,
House is in full session. Of late this
has become a practice as perilous as
crossing Trafalgar Square at high-tide
of traffic. Stream of Members hurrying
out threatens to catch up Sergeant-at-
Arms and carry him forth on
crest of wave. Only natural
grace and long - trained habit
enable Sir DAVID ERSKINE to
stem the current with dignity,
not to speak of personal safety.
Those who remain to carry on
debate make up in vigour of
speech for lack of numbers.
Considering we are talking about
a venerated Church, with its re-
tinue of bishops, rectors, vicars,
and all that, not forgetting the
charwoman, our language is
occasionally awful.

Charwoman, probably en-
gaged elsewhere, turned up
quite late in sitting. Was
armed in by JONES of Merthyr-
Tydvil. Question arose on pro-
posal to compensate lay patrons
and lay holders of freehold
offices in the Church. It was
here that EDGAR JONES drama-
tically appeared on scene with
simpering charwoman on his
arm. If compensation was go-
ing round she, he insisted, had
as much right to it as had the

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 22, 1913.

rector, and if she got it in common with
the rest "practically every penny the
Bill proposed to take away would get
back into the pockets of the Church."

Here broke forth flood of vituperation
before which even the charwoman
winced. Earlier in sitting, LORD BOB,
who is thoroughly enjoying himself,
described UNDER SECRETARY FOR HOME
OFFICE as "the villain in a melodrama."
COUSIN HUGH, not to be out of it, de-
clared "the Government ought to be
ashamed of putting words into a clause
with a view to secure by law that
injustice should be accomplished." As j
to EDGAR JONES and the charwoman, !
CRIPPS, fresh from the cooler Court of
Arbitration, telephoned the assertion
that " Welsh Members approach the
Bill with sole desire to see what plun-
der they can get." Tout le MONO
(ALFRED) venturing to do a few sums on
an imaginary blackboard, LYTTELTON
scornfully alluded to " his more malig-
nant associates," rude reference that
caused BRYNMOR JONES to blush to the
roots of his hair.

Unkindest, least deserved cut of all
was slashed at the MAD HATTER.
GouLDiNG moved closure. The MAD
HATTER, at the moment seated in deep
thought, stirred himself and said, " After
the smashing speeches delivered on this
side the only Member who ventures to
rise from opposite benches wants to
have the Question now put. There is
nothing more to be said."

Metaphorically wrapping his blanket
about him, after fashion of the Red
Indian whose customary formula for
bringing his remarks to a finale "Top-
of-the-River has spoken " he para-
phrased, he resumed his seat. And
what does the British public think was
the response this dignified interposition
met with ?

" Go on, Harlequin," one, happily
anonymous, cried from Opposition
Benches. Harlequin, quotha !

Cry taken up in various quarters.
MAD HATTER rose again ; greeted with
roar of contumely; above it, clarion-
tongued, rang his voice : " On a point
of order, Sir."

Just on stroke of half - past ten,
whilst Opposition roared and MAD
HATTER, during momentary pauses,
shouted " On a point of order," blade
of guillotine fell. Division took place ;
Charwoman Amendment defeated by
291 to 179.

Business done. Getting on nicely
with Welsh Disestablishment Bill.

Thursday. Home Rule Bill read a
third time. It is now on the knees of
the Lords.

Most interesting episode in two
nights' not oppressively brilliant debate
was PRINCE ARTHUR'S dilemma in the

opening passage of speech moving re-
jection of the Bill.

" The whole course of our proceedings
reminds me," he said, " of those old I
comedies of intrigue in which the chief
schemer goes to each one of the sub-
ordinate characters in turn, and, giving
a different version of his object, induces
them by separate methods to carry put
his policy and finally loaves them all
dupes."

Hereupon, ripple of cachinnalion
rising from Treasury Bench swelled
into roar of laughter and ironical
applause. PBINCE ARTHUR stood a
moment in silent amazement. Turning
round, he asked BONNEH LAW what it
meant. BOXNER sagely shook his head.

" Armed in by JONES of Merthyr-Tydvil."

" I thought," said PRINCE ARTHUR,
when uproar had subsided, " I was not
usually slow in detecting what the
House expresses in the least articulate
fashion. But honestly I do not know-
on this occasion how I have earned the
warm approval of so many gentlemen
on both sides by the same observation."

Here there was fresh outburst of
genial laughter.

" None but he," said the MEMBER
FOR SARK, looking admiringly at his old
favourite, " a master of phrases, could
with equal brevity, more accuracy, and
fuller measure of the picturesque, have
described his own position when, ten
years ago, he, being Premier, was
manoeuvring round Tariff Reform."

Business done. Home Rule Bill read
a third time by 367 votes against 257.

Asking for it.

'While a party were returning by motorcar
from Onich to J''ort William, the car skidded
rar Deorriwhoarochan." The Kcntkman.

THE RED HEADS.

A GREAT meeting was held in the
Scarlet Town Hall, under the auspices
of the Rufus League, on Friday last,
to discuss the alleged decrease in the
numbers of red-headed people and to
devise means to defeat it. The Rufus
League, we may add, was originally
founded by the Norman king of that
name, and has always consisted of
twenty-two members, who are known
familiarly as the Twenty-two Carrots.

The Chair was taken by the Presi-
dent, Sir RUFUS ISAACS, who, in
accordance with the rules, opened the
proceedings by singing " O Ruddier
than the Cherry," tlio anthem of the
League. He then called on the Sec-
retary, the Right Hon. Lord Justice
Cherry to whom we believe HANDF.L
dedicated the song in question to
read the letters from various members
and sympathisers who were xinable to
attend. Foremost amongst them was
a spirited contribution from Mr. RUDDY
KIPLING, two lines of which we are
allowed to reproduce by kind permission
of his publishers:

" Never the dingo dozes, never the bulrushes

shoot

But a red-polled son of England starts out
on the All-Red route."

The POET LAUREATE in a remarkable
letter pointed out that GOLDSMITH
began one of his most famous poems
with the words " Sweet Auburn."

Mr. HALL CAINE, who enclosed a
photograph of himself taken by the
new chrono-chrome process, wrote that,
if he might be permitted to jest on such
a subject, nothing was red about BACON
except his works, while SHAKSPEARE,
like BAYARD and Another who should
be nameless, favoured in his clievclurc
the hue immortalized in the portraits
of TITIAN.

Dr. C. W. SALEEBY, the famous
Professor of Eugenics, sent a brief but
momentous memorandum on the best
means of fostering the red corpuscles
which conduce to the pigmentation of
the capillary follicles. In his opinion
this could be best arrived at by a diet
of tomatoes, ginger and beetroot,
washed down by liberal potations of
Bui'gundy, Barolo and Chianti.

Sir RUFUS ISAACS, who was much
moved during the reading of the last
letter, then addressed the meeting. He
began by reminding them that his own
presence there in such an exalted
position was due rather to his name
than his mane. He then went on to
enumerate the losses which England
would suffer if this picturesque feature
of her rural and civic life were allowed
to die out. A red-haired man, wherever
j seen, never failed to bring into the

JANUARY 22, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVART.

Man in Second Row. "THE LADY SEEMS TO PLEASE YOU?"
Man in Front Row. "THE ACCOMPAMST PLEASES ME, SIB.

WOODEN LEO IS WONDERFUL."

TlIE IOSE HE GETS Oil OF I1IAI 'CELLO FOB 1 MAS WITH A

prospect that warm touch which artists
j as different as COROT and LANDBEEB
so esteemed; while a red-haired girl,
wherever seen, was like a glint of gold.
(Loud cheers.) Were they to dis-
appear, what would become of that
curious enactment of nature which
provided that whenever one met a red-
haired girl one could see at the same
time a white horso? Scientists' had
for centuries puzzled their brains to
explain why this was, but in vain.
Yet the strange fact remained. As to
what were the causes of the decrease
in red hair no one could rightly say.
Many Unionists believed that the
Government at large, and Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE in particular, had discouraged
it, and were to be blamed in the matter.
But when they remembered that Mr.
LLOYD GEORGE was named after DAVID,
the ruddy antagonist of the Philistines,
they could hardly accept this view.
He himself saw some hope for the
future from Canada, in view of the
notoriously red hair of General WOLFE.
(Cheers.) Whatever they did, they

must not lose hope. He himself, as'
a member of the most optimistic
Cabinet of recent times, would never
do so. (Eenewed cheers.)

Mr. BERNARD SHAW, who apologised
for being not so fiery as he once was,
the alloy of old age having dimmed
his furnace in other words, grey hair
having supervened then spoke. He
said that as a descendant of OWEN ROE
O'NEILL and a sympathiser with the
Bed Hand of Ulster, though at the same
time a fervent supporter of maintaining
the Green above the Bed, he fully ap-
proved of the aims and objects of the
League. He called upon his twenty-one
fellow Carrots to pledge themselves to
do everything in their power to impress
upon Society the merits of ruddiness.
He himself was writing a play to that
end. (Cheers.) With Dr. SALEEBY'S
excellent programme he found himself
in agreement, except as regarded the
beverages. For the wines named he
would suggest substituting ginger ale
(marked depression) and red ink
(groans). Only on those conditions

could he retain his membership.
(Uproar, during which the meeting re-
solved itself into a free fight, everybody
seeing red.)

The Cannibals.

" Tha restaurant was also doing a large
business, many dinner parties being held to
partake of the special men which had been
provided." Bombay Gazette,

A correspondent, whose heart is in
the right place, complains of the way
in which her letters have been treated
in the pillar-boxes. They come to her,
she says, " smeared all over with
suffragetted hydrogen."

" The offertory box inside the church porch,
at St. Paul's Church, Fairhaven. was broken
open between Monday at noon and yesterday.

If yon want a flno dramatic treat, go and
sen 'The Thief at the Pier Pavilion to-
night." Lytham Standard.

" In connection with a possible association
of Samuel Taylor Coleridge and the late
Samuel Coleridge Taylor, it is seated that
such is not the case." Musical Nf.rg.
So now we can all breathe again.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 22, 1913.

AT THE PLAY.

" GET-KiCH-QuicK WALLINOFOUD."

IN iny anxiety to be a true admirer
of America and her genius, I would
give a lot to know that the plays which
she is now sending us were composed
exclusively for our market, just to see
to what lengths the dull Britisher would
let his silly leg be pulled before he
found out. But unhappily all these
dramas come trailing clouds of glory
accumulated in the course of prodigious
careers on the other side ; and this
means, if it means anything, that the
samples which they give us of vulgar
roguery on the one hand and stupid
cupidity on the other have been warmly
acknowledged by the American public
as representative of typical features in
the national character. I cannot bear
to believe this, and yet I may not do
our friends the effrontery of disputing
their opinion of themselves as reflected
in their own mirror of life.

This opinion was further endorsed
by the U.S.A. colony in London, who
figured in great force on the first night.
All the humours of Mr. COHAN'S play
were received by them with a very loud
enthusiasm, in which I could seldom
join, though I must have seen some of
the points. Every American present
seemed to have a financial interest in
the enterprise, or at least to regard the
national honour as being staked on its
success.

One thing I am thankful for: we need
never again worry about an enigma that
must often have troubled the thinking
mind how it is that in America, where

J. nufit.i Wallingford (Mr. HALK HAMILTON)
to Horace Daw (Mr. JUMAN ROYCK). " Why
don't you get a smile like mine? It comes
off every time."

everybody is so smart, there is so much
money to be made and so quickly. How
can they even make a living by taking
one another in? Well, I gather from
Beady Money and the revelation is
supported by Gct-Rich-Quicli Walling-
ford that our minds had been abused;
that we were wrong in imagining that
all Americans are smart. It seems that
the mugs over there enjoy a numerical
superiority of at least ten to one.

It was a flaw in the new play that
its mugs were such " easy fruit." The
leading rogue never found an opponent
worthy of his steel. In Beady Money
it was a square fight all through
diamond cut diamond with the detec-
tive force. Here the only trouble, and
soon settled, was with a pretty typing-
girl.

I see in a brochure published by the
Management that the play " points
that excellent moral, ' Honesty is the
best policy.' " Let me, as a moralist,
warn the British public against this
misleading statement. It so happens
that a stroke of fortune gives a crown
of unpremeditated honesty, in a techni-
cal sense, to a scheme conceived and
executed in a spirit of the purest fraud.
These rogues do ill by stealth and wake
to find it fame. It was no fault of
theirs.

Let me also warn this same innocent
public against their persuasive charm.
Mr. HALE HAMILTON, with that in-
sinuating voice and accent and smile
of his, was irresistible for his victims on
both sides of the footlights. There is
something almost Greek in his catholic
feeling for the joy of life. Our British
stage-villains burglars always ex-
cepted are not built that way. They
take their vices, as the virtuous take
their pleasures, with a spice of sadness.
And this, of course, is morally sound.

But, put your morality aside as you
enter there are cloak-rooms provided
in all modern play-houses and you
will get a lot of simple fun out of
Wallingford. But you must not mind
the noise and rush ; the constant in-
cursions, at full speed, of negligible
people all busy in establishing an
atmosphere of American hustle; or
the endless introductions of one unim-
portant person to another which con-
stitute the dominant feature of the last
Act. And your sophisticated minds
must bear with the simple irony, mildly
Sophoclean, by which the villains
offer to take the audience into their
confidence.

And at the end, if you have not
laughed quite as freely as you were told
you were going to, do not cast doubt
on the American sense of humour, but
put the trouble down to your British
lack of it. This is the true hospitality.

" BILLY'S FORTUNE."

The maker of Billy's Fortune I
refer to his adoptive father, and not
to Mr. EOY HORNIMAN was never seen
by us, for he was a corpse before the
curtain rose ; but if his last will and
testament revealed the man he rmist
have been something of a humorist.
For in the first place he disappointed
his relations of the bulk of his fortune,
leaving it to Billy, a "pauper brat";

BEAR-BAITING.

Mr. Bradley (Mr. E. M. ROBSON) tries to
conciliate Billy (Master JOHNNIE BEOWN) with
a present for a good boy.

and, secondly, he bequeathed 100,000
to whichever family Billy should elect
to make his home with, after a three
months' test of each. Though ignorant
of this condition, Billy at once recog-
nises that he is meant to be spoiled,
and lends every possible assistance to
that end. Six months have elapsed
and we see him in the hands of No. 3
of the spoilers. He has developed into
a sort of " Buster Brown," and has the
whole menage under his little heel ;
his wildest freaks of behaviour being
tolerated, since correction is unthink-
able if his hosts are to secure a
favourable report. What with loss of
self-respect, and mutual suspicion as
between the competitors, it is a sad
revelation of some of the most de-
plorable aspects of human nature.

This kind of thing is only possible
on the stage if it goes without a
check to the laughter ; and, to be
frank, the Second Act had its intervals
of repose. But there were hilarious
moments, as when the entire household
paraded, as a military band, in various
sketchy uniforms, under the dragooning
of the Napoleonic infant.

In the Third Act we find Billy trans-
ferred to the care of an ideally happy
young couple. They, too, would be
glad to touch the money, but are not
going to sacrifice their own souls or
Billy's in the process. Accordingly,
on the very first evening (Christmas

JANUARY 22, 11)13.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

'Arry. "THANK 'KAVEN FOB THESE EABS; I ONLY WISH THEY WAS "onNs!"

Day, too) the rod comes out, and the
spoiling of the child is over for ever.
By 10 P.M. he is one of the family,
sitting in pyjamas round the fire and
listening contentedly to a fairy-tale, a
thing he had never done before. It
was a refreshing scene, made pretty
by the mother and children, and restored
our belief in humanity. And if there
was just a suspicion of priggishness in
the voices of the parents, this defect of
virtue should be easily remedied.

"Train up a child," says SOLOMON,
" in the way he should go, and ... he
will not depart from it." It was there-
fore no shock to me in the last Act when
Billy elected to take up his permanent
residence with this admirable family.

I trust that the character of little
Master JOHNNIE BROWN, who played.
Billy with considerable intelligence
and aplomb, will not be unfavourably
affected either by the preliminary
booming of him in the Press or by his
early contact with the seamy side of
human nature. Of the grown-ups, that
delightful actor, Mr. O. B. CLARENCE,
as one of the designing relations, bore
the chief burden in a part that suited
his distressful methods, though I can
imagine him funnier. The others fell
easily into the picture; but a kindly
Providence has given Miss MANHKIKLU
too genial a countenance for the

austerity of such a rdle as that of Aunt
Fanny.

Altogether a quite pleasant and in-
nocent little comedy, for which the
brief time it occupied (two hours gross)
was ample allowance. O. S.

" Florence.

Yesterday evening at the Lyceum before
a large and distinguished audience, Oscar
Browinug Efg delivered a lecture on the
English priests of the last century. The
lecturer related piquant anecdotes, hitherto
unpublished, concerning Bayron, Skelley,
Fwnibourne, Pennyson, Broaning, G. Eliot,
with all of whom ho was intimately ac-
quainted." La Tribuna.

One regrets the veteran litterateur's
reticence on the subject of his lifelong
friendship with Sir Flip Spakeshear
and Skidney.

" Wilshire tells us that infantile paralysis is
caused by a germ conveyed by a stable fly."
Daily Herald.

These microbes are getting very lux-
urious in their methods of locomotion.

"DATE OF THE OAT RACE."

Evening Standard.

There must be some mistake. Our in-
formation is that both Universities have
decided to give the adversary beans.

"Complexions removed."

Advt. in " Daily Express."

At owner's risk, we presume.

THE LONDONER EXULTS

(over the cracks in St. Paul's).
I MAY be undersized and thin,

I may be drab and mean,
The smallest sort of fragment in

An infinite machine ;
Both Fame and Fortune may have
passed

And left me on the shelf,
But I 've begun to see the vast

Importance of myself.

It makes my modest bosom throb

With pride to note the rout
Of Art and Faith before the job

Of moving me about ;
The 'buses roar, the trains pursue

Their subterranean track
I must be served and swifty too,

Though half the town should crack.

I thunder down to work each morn,

And some historic shrine
Must have its matchless fabric torn

To get me there at nine ;
And when I gather up my traps,

As sundown sets me free,
A nation's monuments collapse

To take me home to tea !

" He insisted on searching Sir Edward, and,
to the latter's horror, two acres were found up
his sleeve and one in his pocket."

Paignton Observer.
Where was the cow ?

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

[JANUARY 22, 1913.

which she carried

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(Hi/ Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
Mi: Siicrinaliam and Others (MILLS AND BOON) is the latest
production of that clever lady, Mrs. ALFRED SIDQWICK, and
displays her art in various lights all good, if not quite the
l.c>t. 'Mr. Slwrintjham, you should he told, is a long short
stoiy, almost a novel. The Others are short short stories,
and some sketches so slight as not to be stories at all. Mr.
Sheringham, however, is capital fun a tale with all the
right elements of popularity : a poor heroine, friendless in
Paris, and some wicked adventurers who almost murdered
her to obtain some valuable shares,
about with her, as heroines
do, in a little bag.. This, of
course, was after she had
been enriched by the gifts of
a kind uncle, a financier, who,
having presented her with
stock certificates worth fifty
thousand pounds, left her
quite alone in a strange land,
at the mercy of a couple so
patently villainous that one's
flesh crept to read about
them. You will now not be
astonished to hear that
comic relief is supplied by a
page-boy (red-haired) and a
friendly cook, who fulfil then-
obvious purpose by helping
the heroine in moments of
urgent need. You will also
be prepared for my statement
that the whole thing shows
Mrs. SIDGWICK as a teller
of effective stories, such as
many writers could manage
with equal success, rather
than as the creator of any-
thing so exquisite as, for
example, The Severins. But
for the moments when one
demands no more than an
honest improbable tale of
love and crime and adven-
ture, told with just enough
distinction to preserve the
self-respect of the reader,

Mr. Sheringham will be found
very agreeable company.

let us say, The Salchcstcr Guardian. But, to turn from
tlio background to the characters, Mr. GILBERT CANNAN has
made a sporting if rather too ambitious attempt to chronicle
the doings and inter-relations of a largo clerical family (there
were ten of the Folyats, counting the parents), an attempt
that has hardly been rivalled, perhaps, since the days of
Miss CHARLOTTE YONOE, though what that good lady
would have said to her successor's tiresomely emancipated
views on life and love, as expressed through the lips of
Serge, the Bohemian eldest son, I shudder to think.
They were an unhappy family, the Folyats, from little James,
who fell off the roof on page 46, to Frederick, who shot
himself in the train on page 332 ; and the whole book is

undeniably gloomy ; but Mr.
GILBERT CANNAN writes well,
and, except when ho is
moralising, is always in-
teresting. But, if he ever
gets a whack on the head
from half-a-brick while he is
walking through Edward
Square, Manford, he must
not complain. He is simply
asking for it.

A TRUE GENTLEMAN.

Kindly Suburban Resident (to itinerant Plant MercJuint).

I 'LL TAKE OKE AS YOU SAY YOUIi WIFE AND CHILDREN ARE STARVING.
JUST PUT IT ON MY HAT ; YOU WILL FIND A SOVEREIGN IN MY LEFT-
I'LL WAIT HEBE TILL YOU BltlSG THE

I have discovered a jolly
winter evening game for the

HAND WAISTCOAT-POCKET.
CHANGE."

inhabitants of Manford

and Salchester on the banks of the river Irsley. They
must buy copies of Mr. GILBERT CANNAN'S new book,
Hound the Corner (MAKTIN SECKER), and go through it
carefully, trying to identify the names of local streets
and buildings through the not too difficult fog of aliases
with which the author has enshrouded them. They will
like the game, I think, but I am not at all so sure that
they will like Mr. GILBERT CANNAN. For he has very few
good things to say of what he calls "the darker half of
our town on the north bank of the poisoned river." And
when I read such sentences as " he walked to the station
through the dark railway arches, through Town Hall Square
with its statues of John Bright, the late Bishop, the Prince
Consort, and a local philanthropic sweater," I envy with a
deep envy the task of the man who reviews this book for,

Her name was Barbara
Burdone, and she was called
by her old nurse Lady Bab.
When her father, Lord Bran-
chester, married again she
got on quite badly with her
step - mother. So, after a
tempestuous interlude in a
scholastic establishment for
young ladies and an incident
on the high road, where
Barbara turns a gentleman
cut-purse's pistols upon him-
self, we find her at sea in a
war-ship, en route to join her
banished brother in Canada.
And because the ship is
French you get the quaint
experience of hearing the
English fleet spoken of as
the enemy ; indeed, there is
even an engagement, ending
with honours easy though
I own to having been a little
surprised that so fiery a piece
as Lady Barbara did not blow
up something and hand the
vessel over to the British
admiral. However, she arrived in Quebec safely, and in-
stituted a further series of adventures with lied Indians
and such. 1 ought to tell you that she has been invented
by Mrs. ALICE WILSON Fox, who gives to the book the
certainly very appropriate title of A Regular Madam (M.vc-
MILLAN). It is a story of simple but pleasant and entirely
wholesome happenings chiefly intended for the daughters
of gentlemen, to whom indeed it should make a strong
appeal.

" Adult members of Chagford Parish Church Choir, ringors, church-
wardens, and sidosmon were entertained to supper at the Rectory on
Thursday by the Rector. The latter part of the evening was spent
in harmony." The Western Horniny News.

We wonder what had happened earlier. A little trouble
perhaps over the apple sauce.

JANUARY 29, 1913.J

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHARIVARIA.

No women are allowed on the terri-
tory of the newest Republic, Mount
Atlios. An expeditionary force of
Suffragettes is, we hear, to bo fitted
out at once. ^ #

Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, at the National
Liberal Club, proposed the health of
tho members of the Liberal Insurance
Committee. In the present congestion
the health of the Insured will have to

look after itself. ^ *

There is still a good deal of miscon-
ception in regard to the provisions of
the Insurance Act. The wife of a
Liverpool carter who presented her
husband with a complete set of quad-
ruplets last week was
evidently under the im-
pression that she would
be entitled to four mater-
nity boni. # j.

The L. C. C. has de-
cided that undertakers
shall be exempt from the
half -holiday under the
Shops Act. It was no
doubt realised that a
holiday might render
them unbecomingly
cheerful. ... ,..

Lecturing on " Hered-
ity of Sex " at the Royal
Institution, Professor
BATESON said that there
was a certain amount of
truth in the theory that
sons took after their
mothers and daughters
after their fathers. Our

number of well-road burglars make a
pious pilgrimage to this house from
the Metropolis, and stand gazing up at

it, hat in hand. ... ^.

Dr. FRANK MAT.LORY, of Harvard
University, has, it is announced,
isolated tho whooping -cough germ.
It is to be hoped that the noisy little
beggar has been confined in a sound-
proof coll.

A comedy called The Joneses is to be
produced as soon as a suitable theatre
can be secured. A play with this title
should do well, if only all the Joneses
go to see whether they are mentioned
in it. * <;

With reference to the burning of

with an English version, for the sako
of our Frencii visitors. I

The interview, last week, bi-l ucrn
Mr. LLOYD GKOUOF. and the Fish-
wives must have been somewhat
piquant. It is said that one of tho
ladies cried out, "Mr. Grom;r. wlir-rc
would you have been without Hillings-
gate?"

Practical Joking in the House.

"M.P.'S SKAT.

SOME OnscuiiK LKGAL POINTS RAIBKD."
Lii-rrpool />/..

" As he sits before you at tho breakfast tablo
for tho breakfast table is his time foe talk
he seems tho most light-hearted and un-
troubled of mon. Even little Megan, who
passes you the jam for you help yourselves in
this informal household
docs not seem more gay, nor
tho black pug that snores on
tho hearthrug more free from
care." From a character

sketch of Mr. Lloyd George

in " The

Leader."

Unity Neil's and

Wife of his Bosotn (in course of domestic difference). "COWARD! BBUTE!
RUFFIAN I Pio I MONSTEK I BEAST I OH, I WISH YOU KNEW WHAT I THOUGHT

OP YO01 "

Original and boldly in-
novating in all things,
the CHANCELLOR, it will
be noticed, dispenses
with the servants, who,
throughout breakfast, in
less informal houses,
stand behind one's chair.

"Dr. McClure, the head-
master of Mill Hill School,
has been granted sir months'
leave . . . to attend a Sunday-
school." The I'resbj/terian.

It sounds rather a stiff
course.

experience,

however, is that the modern child in-
sists on taking before its parents.

* ::

At the same time we can offer no
objection to the title of the lecture
" Heredity of Sex." There can be no
doubt that sex is hereditary, children
almost invariably being of the same sex
as one or other of their parents.

* :;:

VICTOR 'IGRAYSON
WANTS A REVOLUTION "

" Daily Herald" poster.
A few public-spirited men are, we hear,
thinking of clubbing together to buy
VICTOR a ticket to South America.

It is pointed out that a house at
Chortsey, which is now for sale, was
the scene of Bill Bikes' burglary as set
forth in Oliver Twist. We should
have thought this would have been a
questionable attraction to purchasers,
for, no doubt, every fine Sunday a

Tom Jones at Doncaster, in order that
the morals of racing men may not be
imperilled, it always seems to us some-
thing of a mystery that many of our
modern novels do not perish from
spontaneous combustion.

:|: -.;:

From Paris it is announced that
ladies' dresses are to be fitted up with
pockets. So it is all over with man's
one point of superiority over the other

sex ! ... ...

" TIME-TABLES NEEDLESS,"
announces a certain railway company.
It will be interesting to see whether
the idea spreads, and a certain other

company announces

USELESS."

1 TIME -TABLES

In a new edition of a well-known
cookery book some strictures are passed

on the French

average menu.

to be found on our
We certainly think

that it should always be accompanied

" One vice at a time,
please," urged her husband,
helping himself to a gammon of bacon."
From one of Messrs. Sxxxxxrxx's sparkling
articles in " The Westminster Gazette."

Breakfast over, he resumed his injec-
tions of morphine.

1 ' Governess, to take full charge of 3 children,
including mailcart." Adrt. in "Liverpool
Daily Vost and Mercury."

To bo precise, what is really wanted is
a Groom-Governess.

' ' Recommended experienced chauffeur-
mechanic, 4 years last situation, 75 years'
private driving." The Autocar.

The year 1838 will always be remem-
bered for the impetus which it gave to
the motor industry.'

Winter Fashions.

" Karly in the morning, shortly before
9 o'clock, His Royal Highness was seen
around the magnificent grounds of ' Raveng-
crag,' and at 9.30 he issued forth clad simply
in a short overcoat, and with gaiters to protect
his legs against tho cold." Montreal Star.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 29. 1913.

THE CONSCIENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

[For oneo in a way the Party Whips were taken off and Members
were allowed, on the Women's Suffrage question, to vote according
to their consciences. Partly owing to atrophy of this organ, some
very strange and complicated intrigues resulted from the Cabinet's
dispensation.]

WHAT mean these most unusual cries

That hurtle through the deafened lobbies,
Cross-questions and oblique replies

From those who back their several hobbies,
All, like the polyglots of Babel,
Talking as hard as ever they are able ?

What should portend this curious breach

Of Liberal tie and Tory tether;
Old foes embracing each with each

And friends at fisticuffs together,
So that you get no sort of clue
From party labels as to who is who ?

Can Reason from her throne have fled?

Over some riddle, dark and knotty,
Has Parliament mislaid her head

And gone (in vulgar diction) dotty ?
Nay ! 'Tis the voice, long out of use,
The still small voice of Conscience breaking loose.

Conscience at play! Ah, picture how,

Ever the sport of cruel lashes
Laid by the "Whips on back and brow,

All pink and blue with weals and gashes,
Trodden beneath the tyrant's boots,
Goaded and herded like dumb driven brutes

Pictiire, I say, how when the yoke
Was lifted from, his neck, poor martyr,

Like an emancipated moke

Free to enjoy the winds' wide charter,

Each Member tossed his happy heels .

And filled the air with blithe, discordant squeals.

Look how their hearts and lungs expand
For joy of Freedom's fair amenities !

Hcrw bright, but (on the other hand)
How tragically brief a scene-it is !

Too soon will they be summoned back

T6 play once more the 1 hopeless party-hack.

Alas ! ao strong are habit's reins,

Meekly they '11 reassuine their fetters,

Cease to employ their private brains,
Sworn to the bidding of their sweaters,

And soak in that abysmal sink

The life where nobody 's allowed to think.

0. S.

Note received by a Liverpool doctor :

"Mrs. regrets not being ablo to keep her appointment with

Dr. owing to sickness to-day at 12 o'clock as arranged."

"Lost between Walton and Ormskirk, three Brown Hampers anc
one White one, named Seddon." Ormskirk Advertiser.

We once had a bag that answered to the name o
Gladstone; and it came to a I a 1 end.

ALL THE WORLD'S A SCHOOL.

HAVING noticed in a contemporary an interview with
Sir HERBERT BEERBOITM THEE, in which the great actor
aid not only, " I am completing my education by touring
he world," but "I hope my holiday may be beneficial to
ny art, and therefore a benefit to the public," the Secrc-
ary of the Royal Geographical Society at once hurried to
he home of the illustrious histrion with the purpose of
Hitting a number of supplementary or " arising-out-of "
juestions.

He found Sir HERBERT three deep in the paraphernalia
of travel. Moccasins and snowshoes jostled mosquito nets
,nd scfmbreros. Hero was an alpenstock, there an ice
mtchet; guns, boots, howdahs, pith 1 ehnets were every-
where. GALTON'S Art of Travel lay on the iloor, and beside
t copies of Near Home and Far Off. Medicine chests were
oeing filled; crates containing beads and gaily coloured
sloths .(for .the natives) were being packed; busts of
STANLEY and Captain COOK stood on the mantelpiece, each
wearing a wreath.

In the midst of this confusion was Sir HERBERT.

" What can I do for you? " ho asked, with his profound
and unfailing courtesy.

" Observing," replied the visitor, " that you have selected
iravel as the medium by which you are to complete your
education, I thought it would be interesting to inquire how
'ar you mean to go ? "

" My plans are not too definite," said Sir HERBERT. " I
shall wander where I like."

"May I ask where you are going first ?"

"To Moscow," said Sir HERBERT.

"And what particular mental vacuum do you expect that
ity to fill?,"

" I am proposing there to take lessons in dancing. I think
of attending the same school which sent forth the divine
NIJINSKY to enchant the world."

" Good," said the geographer, taking out his note-book.

And Austria ? "

"Among the Tyrolese eminenccsl hope," said Sir HERBERT,
" to perfect my jodelling."

"In China?"

"In China I intend to immerse myself in thos'e ancient
humours and emotions of the Celestial Empire which have
just blossomed so gloriously at ft neighbouring theatre
managed by one of my knighted colleagues."

" You will return, I take it," hazarded his visitor, '-' when
the education is complete when the receptacle can hold
no more?"

" Well, yes ; 4et us leave it at that," said Sir HERBERT.

" That is to say, if you were on your way to Patagonia,"
continued the geographer, "and found at Buenos Ayres that
you knew all, you would not proceed to Patagonia, but
hurry back in order that the public might at once begin to
' enjoy the benefits ' ? "

Sir HERBERT TREE boughed, as to the manner born.
"But," he said, "I must ask you now to excuse me. I
have to leave in two hours."

"Certainly. But one more question, and the last," said
the geographer, reaching for his hat. " How long do you
expect to be away ? "

" About a week, I think."

" In connection with the Highweek Church Sunday schools the

annual treat was held on Thursday afternoon. . . . Miss gavt

a disgraceful dance, which was highly appreciated."

Devon and Newtun Tune: .

Human nature will out, even at a Sunday-school enter
tainment.

"The thing will bo to sea . . . the factory girl married to young
Wakes." -English Iteview.

Other things to see will be " Our Liz " married to Augusl
Bankholiday, young Jeffcote eloping at dead of night with
Hindle Town Hall, and our Dramatic Critic getting the
piny into his head.

PUNCH, OR THH LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUABY 29, 1913.

THE SURREY RIVIERA.

FATHEU THAMES (singing plainiiwly). " I KNOW A BANK WHERE THE FOUL SLIME FLOWS."

[London is beginning to recognise that it is high time to set about correcting the unsightlir.Cis of the Right Bank of the Thames.]

JANUARY 29, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

A-T 5r-UTV

"Hiir.Lo! WHATEVEB'S THE JIATTEB WITH TOO, BEBTIE?"

" EOTTKtf LUCK, OLD MAN ; COT AH ATHLETE'S HEART PLAYIS 1 ' CoOJT-CAN.' "

THE MILO MEASURE.

DEAK MB. PUNCH, I wonder if you
will be sweet enough to act as my
advance agent in booming a little
practical feminine invention which I
am about to place on the market. As
you know very well, the Venus di Milo
represents that absolute ideal of pro-
portion which every woman aims at,
though,., of course, the lady in the
l.ouvre is on the large side and a little
battered about the extremities. As no
doubt you are also aware, some years
ago certain artistic experts took the
measurements of the statue and re-
duced them to normal human scale and
have supplied the world with the
measurements which are exactly those
which the Venus di Milo would have
possessed if she had been a living
\\omtin of 5ft. 4in. in height. Now,
this table has hitherto apparently re-
presented a hopelessly unattainable
ideal, until quite recently the feminine
world was fluttered by the news of an
American girl whose measurements are
claimed to approximate to those of the
famous statue. It was then the busi-

ness of The Daily 'Mirror to find a
successful rival in England, and, that
being speedily accomplished, I think
I may say without exaggeration that
the interest in Milo measurements has
become so universally keen that nearly
every woman of average height on both
sides of the Ocean has been busy with
a tape measure.

I was lately assisting at one of these
private stances, and it was when I
noticed how frightfully backed my
friend was to find that her neck and
ankles, for instance, were all right, and
how disheartened she grew to find her
waist and fore-arm, shall wo say, were
all wrong, that a great inspiration for
the benefit of my sex flashed across my
brain.

That inspiration has now borne
fruit in." The Milo Measure," price l/-
in untarnishable nickel case (patent
applied for). I guarantee that this
dainty toilet necessity, on which the
Milo measurements are marked out
74 inches for ankle, 13-2 for calf, 26 for
waist, and so on will make Venuses of
all women of average height, and thus
brighten the entire feminine outlook

and bring a rosy atmosphere of classical
beauty to many a grey suburban home.

All that the purchaser has to do in
order to make her proportions come out
identical with those of the Milo is to
grasp the end of the Measure between
the thumb and finger of the left hand,
place the thumb and finger of the right
hand firmly on the particular number of
inches required, and apply the Measure
to. each Kmb or feature in turn. The
Measure will do the rest.

Yours very sincerely, EVA.

P.S. I am confidently counting on
your assistance, dear Mr. Punch, as my
advance agent, so I think it is only
right to inform you that "The Milo
Measure " is made of clastic web.

"According to the 'Bsard of Trada Labour
| Gazette,' the greatest proportionate increases
, in food prices in 1912, compared with 191.1,
ure as follow :

I,?ad. 28.2 per cent.
Copper, 25.8 per cent.
Pig iron, 14.8 per cent.
Coal, 11.1 percent."

T,irrt-pcol EcJto.

And with food like this our teeth, too,
, will cost us more.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[.JANUARY 29, 1913.

RUPERT.

Hri'KHT, the horse, camo to us with
the best references, and I 'm sure he
always mount well and tried his hardest,
but we all have days when tilings go
wrong and we feel like slamming the
door or smashing something, and I
think that was Rupert's trouble on the
ill-fated morning.

.Papa has an excellent custom of
riding about the neighbourhood on
horseback to shake up his to keep
him lit, and that was where Eupert
came in ; and, as I was saying, he was

" I came away. I was too indignant
to discuss the matter with them at any
length : I could find no excuse for their
behaviour. If they wished to dance
they should have waited until a suit-
able occasion presented itself. It 's a
growing scandal, you know 7 . Bad
enough for people to go about without
visible means of support. They should
at least observe the common courtesies
of the highway."

" Yes," I said, " advice would have
been wasted on them ; but what did
you do with Rupert ? "

" Well," he said, " it was rather a
problem. He was a little difficult to

a conscientious horse and as a rule did
the job well.

On the morning in question
Papa had gone out riding and
I was doing the housekeeping,
and was in fact in the kitchen
expounding the Insurance Act to
the cook for about the twentieth
time. It seemed to her un-
reasonable that she might not
immediately begin to draw in
some benefits, and I was at
great pains making it clear to
her that the game couldn't begin
till she got ill or married or some-
thing, and that for the present
she must derive what satisfaction
she could from contemplating
her card, which really looked
very pretty with the stamp-col-
lection on it.

The discourse was interrupted
by the advent of Papa, who came
in rather furtively through the
back door with his hair awry
and a lot of mud on his clothes.
There was riot the least doubt
what had happened to him.

"Ah, Felicity," l:e began,
" I I 've just returned rather
unexpectedly."

"Oh, Papa," I cried, "have
you fallen off?"

" Certainly not," he answered
with dignity. " Riding-men never fall deal with, and as the tramps offered to
otf. Sometimes they are thrown, of close in on him and bring him home
course." ' '- - -, . ,

" Yes, I meant that,
dear ? How did it happen ?

READ THIS ABOUT THE DECLINE

First Blood. "HAVE YOU

OP THE BIRTH-HATE ? ' '

Second Blood. " YES ; MAKES ONE RATHER ANXIOUS. AFRAID

IT 'LL LEAD TO CONSCRIPTION ! "

to parley with them, and I kept an eye
on the proceedings from behind the
window-curtain.

It was soon evident that they were
demanding most extortionate sums for
salvage, and I began to be afraid that
Papa would be unable to cope with the
situation, so I decided on immediate
action, and, raising the sash, leaned out.
" Papa, papa," I cried.
" Yes, my dear."

" An awful thing 's happened. The
bloodhounds have escaped. They 've
eaten the under-gardener and they 're
tearing round the shrubbery."

The tramps threw up the game at
once. In five seconds they were
' out of sight.

It took some time to reassure
Papa, who at first believed that
there really were bloodhounds
concealed about the premises.

" Well, I thought you might
have got some, Felicity," he
said ; " I never know what
you '11 do next."

As a matter of fact wo haven't
any dog at all. The idea was
mooted a short time ago, but
Dora the cat and Stephen the
hedgehog filed a petition against
it and the proposal was dropped.
For some days the fate of
Rupert was the chief topic under
discussion. Papa said he felt he
could never he reconciled to him
again and refused even to go
near the stable, and in the mean-
while Rupert took life easily
and ate his head off.

" We 'd better give him a
month's notice," I said.

" Not at all," said Papa.
" You don't do that with horses.
The thing to do is to send the
groom up to TATTERIDGE'S with
him and sell him ; and I hope
the man who buys the brute
will enjoy himself."
worked out all right. The

This

when he appeared to be in a more

Are you hurt, reasonable frame of mind I accepted

..en?" their proposal. It was, I thought, an

However, Papa was disinclined to opportunity to repair to some extent

relate the adventure, in the- presence of the mischief they had wrought."

cook, naturally enough, and it was not " Papa, they '11 steal him," I cried,
till ho had changed his clothes that

I learned the details.

It appeared that all had gone well

For a moment he seemed to brighten
at the suggestion, but then he shook
his head.

until they reached the open country,) "I doubt it," he said. "They did
where they encountered two dis- not appear to me to be horsey men at
reputable tramps, who joined hands all. I don't think they would have
and executed a dance in front of the much use for Rupert."

horse. Rupert, unable to contain his
indignation, reared up, and Papa lost
his balance and slid off over his tail.
"And what did you do then?"
asked.

And Papa proved to be right, for

while we were

tramps camo
horse in tow.

sitting at lunch the
up the drive with the

After some hesitation Papa went out

TATTERIDGE people said there was no
difficulty. If we would let them have
the horse and furnish them with a
description for the catalogue they would
do the rest.

" We must try to get a real pen-
picture of Rupert," I said, " so that
he '11 go off well."

I took a lot of trouble with it. It
went like this. You might like to hear
it if you are interested in Rupert :

" Good horse ; very little worn ; stock
size; colour, Vandyke brown ; amiable;
industrious; sober. To sell, or would
exchange for nice sable stole and muff'."

" I don't want a stole and muff,
though," said Papa when I showed it
him for criticism and appreciation.

"No, but you will soon," I said.

.1 VM-AMY 29, 1913.J

PUNCH, OK TJIK LONDON CI I A I! IV A I! I.

When?"

When my birthday conies iif\i
month."

However, tlie people at TAMI:KIIH.I;'.S
ciiii'i'cd him as a "Good hack. Quiet
to lido for a lady." The red tape there
i-. ahout as bad as in any Government
(leparlmonl. I'm sure with my testi-
monial ho would have gone off very
\\ell, instead of being knocked down,
ta I'apa said, for a mere. song. Rupert
wouldn't like that.

And so for a time Papa was horso-
lr^-> and wont about like ordinary
people; but it didn't suit him. His
temper began to get fretful. I decided
that he must have something to jog
his to exercise him, and I came and
talked to him seriously.

" Why don't you get another horse,
I'upu? " 1 said.

"Another one? "

" Yes ; get a nice tame one, you
know."

" Oh, no," ho said. ' That wouldn't
do at all. I want a horse with a lot of
mettle. Of course it must have some
self-control as well."

" Well, couldn't you get one like
that ? " I suggested. " You oughtn't
to give up your riding, you know."

" Yes, I daresay I could," he said.
" I 'm a pretty fair judge of a horse.
1 11 look in at TATTEEIDOE'S to-morrow
and see if I can find one to suit me."

[ would have gone with him, but
[ had a party on that afternoon
Blindman's Buff and Coon-Can, I think
it was.

I got back from it rather late and
found Papa already returned, fearfully
pleased with himself and looking very
horsey with a large cigar in his mouth
and a whisky-and-soda on the mantel-
piece.

" What success ? " I asked.

" Picked out the very horse," he said.
"leather expensive. Cost a good deal
more than Kupert, but well worth the
money."

" Where is he ?"

"I rode him back. He's in the
stables. Come round and see him."

Ho showed him off with great pride.

I walked all round the horse. He
winked at me and whisked his tail
towards Papa.

"I suppose you didn't meet any
trumps on the way down," I said

"No. Why?"

" Well, if you had, he might have
given himself away."
Who might?"

" Rupert."

The X-Ray Eye.

' I have been .sitting at the window making
i hi' number of 'liust-s, and the contents
riigi-rs." Letter in " The Jfnmpstead
<"'" .S7. John's ]\-o:,<l Atli-ertiser."

IS ENGLAND DECLINING?

Tltc Old Hand. "Tnis 'LL GIVE you AN IDKA OP WOT THINGS is COIIIN' TO. Wire, A KKW

EAKS AGO A TIN LIKE THIS WOULD 'AVE 'AD A COUl'LE OP 8ABDINE8 IN; p''AP8 TUBKK."

Commercial Candour.

"GENUINE SALE,
FntssT FOII FIVK YEAIIS.'

Advt. on the window of a shop in OJ-ford
Sired.

Letter from a native who runs a
regimental coff'ee-shop at Meerut :

"Sir, I am extremely sorry to bring to

our kind notice of running short about ham

n my stock on account of Xmas. I hope to

gut it very soon from Bombay. No sooner I

will receive it I will let your honour know all

>f a sudden. Hoping for an excuse for this

ofusal and obliging very much for the trouble

>f forgiveness, I beg to remain, Sir, yours

bedientlv," Ac., A-c.

How to Attract a Congregation.
" The REV. W. F. LOFTHOUSK,

M.A. (Birmingham),
Will preach at 11 and 0.30.
AI.K COUDIALLY INVITED."
Shrewsbury Commercial it. I.itfrary Clii'oniile.

" English Mistress for small high-class Day
School in London. Degree or equivalent, and
experience in high -class private school work.
Chnrchwoman. Non-res. 100 and mid-day
dinner, increasing." Journal of Education.

After three months the lady expects to
make nothing of an ox roasted whole.

" A suffragist tea-shop has b?on set up
within a stone's throw of the Houses of
1'arliiiiAont." Daily Chronicle.

" Stone's throw " is cood.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 29, 1913.

MUSICAL NOTES.
THE successful appearance of the
banjo at the Queen's Hall Symphony
Concerts on Saturday week is, we are
glad to learn, likely to be followed by a
further invasion of the orchestral pre-
serves by instruments hitherto deemed
unworthy of such an honour. The
prospectus of the New Romantic
Orchestral Concerts, just issued, an-
nounces that on April 1st Mr. Oliver
Pilditch will produce a new symphony
by Professor Quantock do Banville,
entitled "The Brontes," dedicated to
Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER. The sym-
phony, which will occupy ninety
minutes in performance, is not only
scored for every one of the instruments
employed in MAHLER'S Seventh Sym-
phony, but also includes parts for a
quartet of penny whistles, and a solo
" Brilliantine Zither-Comb," which will
be played on this occasion by Mr.
SHORTER himself.

Another novelty to be produced later
in the season is a Mystical Tone Poem,
entitled " The Wandering Jew," by
Mr. Hamish MacSlazenger, the young
Russo- Scottish composer who is already
known as the Moscow-Glasgow Strauss.
In a brief but alluring account of the
new composition Mr. Oliver Pilditch
informs us that no key signature is
affixed to any of the fifteen movements
of which the work is made up, and that
it has practically no tonality at all. A
wonderful effect is produced in the
Sciutrzo, in which four barrel-organs
are introduced, each playing different
tunes in different keys and each sur-
mounted by a monkey wearing a red
coat, while the motto theme, or idee fixe,
is always given out by a group of Jew's
harps, specially constructed for the
occasion and called the " Magnifico
Ponaposo Solomon Glory - Harps."
These, it is reassuring to hear, will
be played by real Rabbis. The score of
the Symphony, which occupies just
under two hours in performance, mea-
sures 4x4x2 parasangs and weighs
almost exactly 62 poods.

Mr. Odo Gurglitz, tho manager of
Mr. Bamberger, writes to us with
reference to the tragic experiences of
DANIEL MELSA, the Polish violinist
now performing in London, on which
so much stress has been laid in the
Press. In the biographical sketch of
DANIEL MELSA, which is now being
circulated, we read how during an anti-
Jewish pogrom at Lodz in 1905 his
playing rrielted the heart of the Cossack
leader and saved the fiddler's life.

Mr. Gurglitz observes that he lias

not tho smallest intention of disputing
the absolute accuracy of the above
statement. All he wishes to point out,
in justice to Mr. Bauibcrgcr, is that on
at least four several occasions he (Mr.
Bamberger) was exposed to dangers
compared with which tho ordeal of
DANIEL MELSA was a trivial experience.
The occasions were as follows : in
September, 1907, Mr. Bamberger was
captured by the Fifofumi cannibals in
New Guinea and was partially eaten
before he was rescued by a punitive
expedition commanded by Mr. Gurglitz
and the famous ex-cannibal chieftain,
Gobolo, whose beautiful daughter,
Ispowispop, entertained a romantic
but unrequited affection for Mr.
Bamberger. The second occasion was
in Odessa in 1909, where Mr. Bam-
berger was blown up by Nihilists
while ho was playing tho piano, and
came down unhurt at a distance of
nearly 200 yards, although the piano
was smashed to atoms.

Mr. Bamberger's third escape was
in 1910 from a boa constrictor of the
deadly pompelmoose variety which,
entering his bungalow at Delhi while
he was asleep, wound itself round the
form of the great musician. On
awaking to his peril, Mr. Bamberger
never lost his nerve for a moment.
He just simply said, " I am Bam-
berger," and the great serpent submis-
sively unwound itself, sat up in the
corner with a pleading expression until
the Maestro had played a brief morcean,
and then joyfully undulated out of the
apartment. Fourthly and lastly, in
February, 1912, when his father-in-
law, Sir Pompey Boldero, F.R.S.L.,
was closely observing the contents of
the crater of Vesuvius and inadvertently
fell in, Mr. Bamberger laapt into the
boiling gulf and brought him out in a
parboiled but otherwise well-preserved
condition.

The list of the Queen's Hall Orchestra
is if we believe in the proverb nomen
aien an interesting study. It has a
BRAIN for one of its principals. It has
a CAMBRIDGE to strengthen its appeal
to academic hearers ; while twoQuAiFEs
should endear it to cricketers. Lastly,
literature and journalism are repre-
sented by a GYP, a CONRAD, and a-
GARVIN. We note with interest that
Mr. GARVIN plays the trombone.

For Bargain-hunters.

DETECTIVE TALES,
3Jd. each.
3 for Is."

Notice in bookseller's window in BridUnyton

OUR BOOMING TRADE.

" YES, indeed ! things are looking
up," said a chatty undertaker to his
colleague last week.

" How 's that ? and with all this
warm weather? "

" Well, they "re all broken - down
doctors on our panel, and they 've
each got three thousand patients."

Tho above short dialogue illustrates
the prevailing optimism, of which we
can give several other instances.

The decreased takings of many
thousands of shop-keepers through
the operation of the Shops Act have
spelt prosperity to a large number of
newly - appointed bankruptcy clerks
and brokers' men.

Corset-designers are saying they
never had such a time. Every day
some new " curve " is displayed in the
advertisement columns of our contem-
poraries. The four-o'clock model will
soon be outmoded by the " Stop-press "
stays of the Late Special Edition.
Fabulous sums are now being earned
by lightning fashion artists.

Princely salaries also are the reward
this season of favourite football pro-
fessionals. They are now " cornered,"
like any other commodity in demand.
Enterprising club-managers are " bull-
ing " and " bearing " their little gold-
mines on the Soccer Exchange.

The soaring prices of petrol and the
consequent shortage of taxis have re-
stored the lost art of pedestrianism and
set the boot-making trade on its feet
again, together with the ancillary
manufactures of brown-paper soles and
composition boot-heels.

Tho prosperity of rag-and-bone-time
merchants, with their parasites of the
hurdy-gurdy and the German band, is
going up by leaps and bounds. Mean-
while the railway returns show heavy
advances, due to a strong desire in tho
less nutty circles of society to escape
from this obsession.

The above are only a few of the
indications, beside tho figures of the
Board of Trade, that the outlook for
England is of the most encouraging.

ZIG-/AG.

Municipal Frankness.
From tho agenda of the Lahore
Municipality (llth January, 1912) :

"Papers regardingan expenditure of Rs. 150
for provision of pipe-water for gwalas (cow-
keepers) living in Gual Mandi, with a view to
improvement in milk supply."

JANUARY 29, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

FASHION NOTE.

SCENE A popular seaside resort in winter.
Kite. "On, MB. BROWSE, IF sou BEE MY BISTER,' TELL HER I'VE GONE IN. DON'T KNOW HER?

SHE'S MESSED JUST LIKE ME."

OH, YOU CAN'T MISS HEB,

THE DUEL.

(To a vine-grower of Provence now sojourning in England
for the puiyose of acquiring her language.)

You camo to a clime where agues rack us,

And the chill wind never stops ;
You came from the yards of young lacchua

To a realm of malt and hops.

You came with your pleasant sun-made manners

And a bolder taste in ties ;
The South on your cheek flew crimson banners,

And her songs were in your eyes.

And ever I dreamed, as sorts of weather
On weather of sorts were piled,

This courtesy soon must reach its tether-
But ever you smiled and smiled ;

Flattered our rain-washed air as bracing,

And London as gigantcsqitc ;
Her streets you never got tired of pacing

And her views were picturesque.

And I thought anon of the morn of Crecy,

And the hour of Poictiers' field,

And the slime grew worse and the strests were messy,
And I said, " This man must yield."

The light in his eyes is there naught can dim it ?

No thrust that his heart can wrench,
And wring from his lips, " Your land 's the limit,"

Or whatever that is in French ?

I have it. The fog ! He will pass some stricture
When he sees that ghost-filled gloom ;

When, writhen and foul, like a Futurist picture,
The street coils into the room.

And the fog did come particular, proper,

And brewed of the broth of peas ;
You could cut great chunks of it off with a choppsr

And hand it about like cheese.

It was horrible, octopus-armed, unnerving ;

But I found you amid the press
Gay as a June-tide grig, preserving

Tonjours la politesse.

One might have thought you were eating honey

As the maze of the murk you thrid ;
I asked if you liked the taste. Oh, sunny

Child of romance, you, did.

I yielded then ; I knelt on a glad knee.

" London," I said, " resign !
Lady of soot, thou art Ariadne,

And this is the lord of wine."

Not soon shall memory lose that glitter ;

Full oft when the vapours crawl
I shall cry for a stoup of English bitter

And drink to the grace of Gaul.

EVOE.

" From now till spring arrives Devon branch lines will daily carry
40 rabbits to every passenger." The Standard.

Season-ticket holders ought to be allowed eighty each.

LONDON CIIAEIVATU.

"YolE IIUSD\ND'5 A. DOCIOE, ISS'l HE?"

"No, INDEED! Ilii 's ix THE ROYAL AHMT MEDICAL Conrsl"

THE NICE PEOPLE.

THIS is a true story and tlio idea of
ifc is to sliow how awfully decent but
you will see what I am driving at as
yon read on.

I had special reasons for ringing up
my frie:;d Burgess, bub I did not know
his number. 1 knew it had a 1, a 7, an
8 and a 4 in it somewhere, and was
Mayfair; beyond that I was misty.
Passing these figures in review, I
decided it was 1478, and asked for that.

A pleasp.nt voice came back, "Hullo! "

" Is that you, Burgess ? " I sai'l.

" No. There is no one of that name
here."

[JANUARY 29, 1913.
I said. " That you, Bur-

liorc.

" Hullo !
tress? "

" No."

" Is Mr. Burgess ia ? "

" Mr. Burgess does not live
What number did you ask for? "

Again I apologised, and again the
ply was kindly: "It's all right.
Some mistake of the operator, I expect.
It doesn't matter."

Onco more I decided to try, and this
iimo I asked for 1784.

A pleasant voice came back, " Hullo ! "

" Hullo ! " I said. " Is that Mr. Bur-
gess's number?"

" No, it 's not."

" Oh, I 'm so sorry. The fact is I 'vo
forgotten it."

"Isn't it in the book?"

" No, he won't have it there."

" What a nuisance ! How very un-
fortunate for you ! But why don't you
ring up the enquiry office ? They '11
tell you."

" Thanks awfully, I will."

" It 's all right. Good-bye."

Now wasn't that jolly? Not one of
all that crowd angry or even irritated.
All as nice about it as they could he.

I then rang up the office and found
that Burgess's number (as I at once
remembered) is 1847.

A waspish voice came back, "Hullo !
Who 's there ? "

" Is that- you, Burgess ? "

" Yes, of course it is."

"All right, old chap. It's me
Harrison."

"I know it is. Do you suppose I
can't recognise your voice ? Why on
earth haven't you rung me up before?
Here have I been waiting here for
hours " and so forth.

And they were all strangers, and this
was my friend t

"The members of the Cabinet aro under-
stood to bo at present divided on the subject
of woman suffrage as follows :

For. Against.

"But isn't that Mr. Burgess's tele
phone? "

' ' No. What number d id you wan t ? ' '

"Oh, I'm frightfully sorry. I've
made a mistake."

" Never mind. Don't mention it. It
doesn't matter in the least."

I then asked for 1748.

A pleasant voice came back, " Hullo 1 "

" Is that you, Burgess ? "

" No, this isn't Burgess. What num-
ber do you want ? "

Again I apologised profusely ; again
the reply was sympathetic. " Don't
trouble. It 's all right."

1 next asked for 1874.

A pleasant voice came back, " Hullo ! "

Sir E. Grey Mr. Asquith

Lord Haldano Sir. Churchill

Mr. Lloyd George Colonel Seely
Mr. Birrcll Mr. Harcourt

Lord Morley Mr. Mt-Kenna

Mr. Rimciman Lord Crewo

Mr. McKinnon Wood Mr. Herbert Samuel
Sir Kufus Isaacs Mr. J. A. IVaso

Lord Bcauc-harnp Mr. C. Hobhouse

Doubtful. Mr. Euxton, Mr. Burns."
Tltc Times, January 23.

It seems rather a pity that, with two
teams so nicely balanced (the weight
perhaps being slightly in favour of
the side on which Lord HALDAXE
figures) they could not have settled it
by a friendly Tug-of-War on the floor
of the House. The two captains could
easily have tossed for Messrs. BUXTOX
and BURNS.

PUNCH. OH THE LONDON CIIAKIVART.- TANI-AKV 20. 1913.

BAG-TIME IN THE HOUSE.

[Sir EDWARD GKEV'S Woman Suffrage Amendment produced some curious partnerships.]

JANUARY 20, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FTWM THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.r.)

LADIES' GALLERY

SILENCE

ANOTHER INJUSTICE TO WOMEN.
Indignant Chorus. "WE'LL SOON ALTER THAT I"

House of Commons, Monday, January
20. MAD HATTEK enjoyed rather a
good day. Most diligent in attendance ;
always in his place when crisis arises.
Ever ready to take charge of disturbed
affairs and smooth them out. Thus,
when just now in Committee on Welsh
Disestablishment Bill only three Tellers

LOUD BCB throws the cap.

lined up before the Mace to declare ,
result of division, he rose promptly to
occasion. The missing link was BAR-
LOW, one of the Tellers for Opposition.
Having counted his men it occurred
to him that he would have time to
take a cup of tea and a buttered bun
before figures were announced. So
he trotted off. Meanwhile the other
three Tellers stood, all forlorn, waiting
for their ranks to be filled up.

^ Whilst CHAIRMAN sat

helpless in this new dilemma
and Members looked on in
consternation the MAD HAT-
TER interposed, claiming
that the absent Teller's vote should not
bo included in official return of division.
CHAIRMAN pointed out that as Tellers
don't vote there was nothing to count.
Something of a poser this; but the
intention was good.

Three hours later, LORD BOB, " hear-
ing a smile," as did Lord CROSS on a
historic occasion, administered sharp
rebuke to " honourable Member oppo-
site who appears to devote his talents
to becoming the buffoon of the House."
No name mentioned; but the MAD

HATTER, with unerring sagacity as-
suming gibe was directed against him,
appealed to CHAIRMAN for protection
against such attacks. CHAIRMAN sug-
gested withdrawal.

The HAD HATTEB catches it.

" Certainly,' ' said LORD BOB. " I am
ready to withdraw if the honourable
gentleman thinks it offensive to be
described as the buffoon of the House.
I thought that was his object."

These merely incidents in the day's

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 29, 1913.

round. Great achievement was vindica-
tion of the rights of British citizens
UK > -sly assailed under cover of the
Simps' Act. According to his story,
told in the ear of a thronged and deeply
moved House, there is a carrier (no,
Sir CHARLES ALFRED, not Cripps)
trading between Bristol and Portishead,
having for sole retinue a small hut
hungry boy. For some time it has
been his custom of an afternoon to
present largesse to his escort in the
form of " a penny worth of biscuits pur-
chased at a refreshment room in Pill."
Avowedly under coercion from the
Shops Act, the purveyor of biscuits
declines to trade on an early-closing
day. arguing that "biscuits are con-
fectionery, not refreshments."

And so, as in the case of Mother
Hubbard's dog, the poor boy had none.

He might, of course, swallow Pill.
But there are contingencies which
naturally make the carrier unwilling
to undertake responsibility of adminis-
tering it. In his dilemma he brought
the matter under notice of the MAD
HATTEK, who left it in hands of HOME
SECRETARY, with request that he " will
issue a memorandum or order to make
it clear that earners' boys and other
travellers may ask for biscuits, even in
small amounts, without being refused
on the plea that biscuits are only
sweetmeats and not proper food."

Business done. In Committee on
Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill.

Tuesday. Great slump in Silver-
Market GWYNNE. In accordance with
recent habit, spent week-end in hi*
study, wet towel bound about his
manly brow, preparing fresh set of con-
undrums for India Office about trans-
action in silver carried through London
market a year ago. Question paper
bristled with them. Not your ordinary
questions drafted by amateurs like
KiNLOCH-CooKE or JOHN BEES (late of
India). Each one equivalent to argu-
mentative speech on topic to be handled
only by a specialist.

This bad enough had it stood
alone. Merely preliminary procedure.
FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE,
who in absence of MONTAGU answers
for India Office, faces ordeal with
commendable courage. Eeads with-
out quaver in his voice or trembling
in his limbs matter-of-fact answers in
reply to allegations and insinuations
pointing to something like criminal
conspiracy on part of India Office and
a City firm to pocket what in America
is known as " graft." When he resumes
his seat up gets GWYNNE with auto-
matic regularity and in slightly different
phrase repeats conundrum.

Hitherto SPEAKER, jealous for full
play of freedom of speech, has permitted

this sort of thing. To-day's experience
too much for patience whose long-
sufVering sometimes amazes House.
At outset of G WYNNE'S performance
SPEAKER insisted that notice should be
given of Supplementary Question pro-
posed to be put.

Eegardless of the snub, GWYNNE put
twelfth question, when slump alluded to
took place.

"These Supplementary Questions,"
said the SPEAKER, " are all in the nature
of arguments suitable for discussion,
but not for the purpose of obtaining
information."

Later, when PERSEVERING PIIUE
proposed to open upon SEELY battery

"PERSEVERING PlT.IE."

of Supplementary Questions, SPEAKER,
amid general cheering, again interposed.

" Complaints," he said, " are made
to me that the end of Questions on
Paper is rarely reached, many of which
notice was duly given being barred by
number of Supplementary Questions in
the nature of argument."

The MEMKER FOR SARK, who has
been saying this with perhaps tiresome
reiteration through two sessions that
have seen unrestrained growth of in-
defensible irregularity, naturally grati-
fied at this ruling by supreme authority.

Business done Still (Welsh) harping
on Church Bill.

Friday. There is a matter, perhaps
trifling in itself but strikingly illustra-
tive of the systematic belittling of
Woman by Man, not alluded to in to-
day's debate on Suffrage question. On
entering the Ladies' Gallery, whether
with or without intention of chaining
themselves to rail, visitors are con-
fronted by a card hung in prominent
position. On it is printed in large type

the word "SILENCE!" Why should
this designedly offensive injunction be
flaunted in the Ladies' Gallery? Im-
mediately opposite is the Strangers'
Gallery, whore men do congregate.
You may search its walls and its ap-
proaches in vain for repetition of this
command.

" We '11 soon alter that," murmured
a section of the company crowding
Ladies' Gallery this afternoon.

Nor is intention to snub exhausted by
this mean device. Withdrawing from
Gallery to Tea Koom at the hack,
Ladies approaching the fire - place
observe boldly carved over the mantel-
piece the brusque command, " Gel
Understanding." It need hardly be
said that this insolent injunction,
with implied suggestion of mental
density more or less nearly approaching
imbecility, is reserved exclusively for
womankind. It is not to be found
within sight of any part of the House
whore Members sit, whether above or
below the Gangway.

And yet bow much more urgent is
necessity in their case !

Business done. In Committee on
Franchise Bill ALFRED LYTTELTON
moved EDWARD GREY'S amendment
deleting the word "male" defining
persons privileged to exercise Parlia-
mentary Franchise. Debate adjourned.

"When the Cat's away."

' ' A CONGREGATION WITHOUT A PREACHER .

Owing to the stormy weather and the doop
snowdrifts, the preacher advertised to take tho
meeting ill tho Good Templar Hall last Sun-
day evening was storm-stayed. There was no
service in consequence.

"A very successful dance followed, nearly
forty couples spending a very pleasant time
under the guidance of Mr. Mills."

The Midlothian Journal.

"The annual dinner will be held at tho
Co-operative Hall at 7 o'clock. Members
should get their tickets as soon as possible
from their Divisional Secretaries. Dross,
Uniform without belts." Lincolnshire Echo.

A very thoughtful provision. We wish
them all a hearty meal.

" I am unable to discover any mechanical or
physiological purpose served by a chin." Sir
Hay Lemkestcr, quoted in ' ' Edinburgh Eccnimj
Dispatch."

Dear Sir BAY LANKESTER,

Can't you be simple,
And own that a chin
Was made for a dimple ?

"Following 12 degrees of frost in the Lake
District snow fell heavily from the early morn-
ing, and with a 700-miles-an-hour south-
easterly wind blowing the drifts of snow at
Kassenthwaito Lake wore five feet deep. Some
of the country roads are impassable."

1're^ton Herald.

Still, a 1,000 h.p. car might manage
them.

JANUARY 29, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SCENE. Home of the highly-paid Child Actor.
Male Phenomenon. "Loox HEBE, MY GOOD PARENT, I SEE YOU 'RE SMOKING ANOTHER OF THOSE COSTLY CIGARS. MILLICENT AND

I DON T EXPECT OUR HARD-EARNED MONEY TO BE SIMPLY FRITTERED AWAY LIKE THIS."

THE DANCE.

WHEN good-nights have been prattled, and prayers

have been said,

And the last little sunbeam is tucked up in bed,
Then, skirting the trees on a carpet of snow,
The elves and the fairies come out in a row.
Witli a preening of wings
They are forming in rings ;
Pirouetting and setting they cross and advance
In a ripple of laughter, and pair for a dance.

And it 's oh for the boom of the fairy bassoon,
And the oboes and horns as they strike up a tune,
And the twang of the harps and the s ; gh of the lutes,
And the clash of the cymbals, the purl of the flutes;

And the fiddles sail in

To the musical din,

While the chief all on tire, with a flame for a hand,
Eattles on the gay measure and stirs up his band.

With a pointing of toes and a lifting of wrists

They are off through the whirls and the twirls and the

twists ;

Thread the mazes of marvellous figures, and chime
\\ ith a bow to a curtsey, and always keep time :
: All the gallants and girls

In their diamonds and pearls,

And their ^au/e and their sparkles, designed for a dance
By the leaders of fairy-land fashion in France.

But tlte old lady fairies sit out by the trees,
And the old b> aux attend them as pert as you please.
They quiz the young dancers and scorn their display,
And deny any grace to the dance of to-day ;

" In Oberon's reign,"

So they 're heard to complain,

" When we went out at night we could temper our fun
With some manners in dancing, but now there are
none."

But at last, though the music goes gallantly on,
And the dancers are none of them weary or gone,
When the gauze is in rags and the hair is awry,
Comes a light in the East and a sudden cock-cry.

With a scurry of fear

Then they all disappear,

Leaving never a trace of their gay little selves
Or the winter-night dance of the fairies and elvea.

Another Rebuff for the Mother Country.
"Hector MacLcan, 25, Pino Street, Brockville, Ont., Canada, will
exchange Canadian stamps with any country but England."

Young England.

" Although Mr. Wade had his hair, moustache and eyebrows singed
in his efforts, it was found that the fire had obtained too firm a hold
to be dealt with in this way." Isle of Wight Herald.

Mr. WADE clearly did his gallant best. But some fires are
so grasping.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 29, 1913.

AT THE PLAY.

" TURANDOT, PltlNCESS OP ClIINA."

I FEEL almost certain that 7.0 r.M.
is too lato (or a matinee and too early
for an evening performance. As I made
my way to the St. James's at this am-
biguous hour an hour sacred to the
memory of Boxing Night at the Lane
it seemed that only pantomime could
bo my natural reward. And panto-
mime it was, with just a sad little echo
of the old Savoy that left us on the
verge of tears.

In point of colour Turandot is a
gorgeous spectacle, but the costumes of

TRYING HARD KOT TO LOSE ins HEAD.
Ca'af Mr. GODFREY TE.VULE.

Twandot

Miss EVELYN I/ALUOY.

the Far Orient and there was no
pretence to confine them strictly to
Chinese patterns, the noblest of all
being something in the style of the
Samurai do not make for a very pro-
nounced beauty of form. I am not sure
that this kind of spectacular romance,
though the traditions of pantomine are
against me, is not best conducted in
a serious vein throughout. We are
always being asked to keep one half of
our face fixed in astonished admiration
and the other half crinkled with laughter.
I speak not only of the figures of the
pageant, part beautiful, part grotesque,
but of the words, which kept on shifting
from an atmosphere of passion and
intrigue to one of wanton flippancy.
Ciilaf, for instance, the successful
suitor, never relaxed from the key of
high sentiment, but Turandot was all
over the gamut.

However, one is habituated in panto-
mime to the mixed quality of the enter-
tainment; the real trouble here was
the incredible poverty of the fun. I am

forced to entertain one of two suspicions,
each alike repellent to me. Either,
when Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER witnessed
the performance of Dr. VOLLSIOELLER'S
play, the weakness of its humour escaped
him through luck of familiarity with the
language; or else Mr. JKTHRO BITHELL,
its translator, has done injustice to
the German version. In this painful
dilemma, I incline to the former theory.

There are rumours, indeed, that we
have been spared even a worse disaster
through the action of Messrs. SASS and
NOBMAN FOBBES in revising their parts.
If this is so, I assume that they gave
time and care to the task, though there
is historical precedent for improvisa-
tion. For Gozzi, of the eighteenth
century, who adapted at Venice the
old Persian theme, and introduced from
local sources the four alleged comedians,
Pantalcnc, Tartaglia, Briglc'.la and
Tniffaldino, \vrcte no text for these
characters, but trusted to the actors'
native gift of gag.

I suppose it is too much to hope that
the authorities should at this late
hour repent themselves and cut out all
fie words. The general verdict seems
tD be that the play is a thing (like little
children) to be "seen and not heard."
But I am afraid there are points in it
the riddles, for example which could
not be expressed by dumb show. And
it is not only the humour that could
bo spared ; for more rotten riddles it
would be hard to imagine, and the third
of them, of which the answer was
"love," was the most unlikely thing in
the world to come from the lips of so
ruthless a creature as Turandot.

And what doss the author mean by
that tag of poetry in which he speaks of
the lady's heart as being " cold as the
snows of yesteryear " ? Surely VILLON
would never have enquired as to the
whereabouts of les neiges d'antan if he
hadn't known that they had long ago
melted.

As for the acting, I don't know what
w r e should have done without Miss
EVELYN D'ALBOY. There was a delight-
ful piquancy in her mincing voice and
manner. Mr. GODFREY TEABLE was a
brave figure, but his personality wai
of no particular period. Miss MAIRE
O'NEILL was attractive in the small
part of Zelima. Of the humorists,
Mr. SASS, as Pant alone, and Mr. FBED
LEWIS, as Brighella, came nearest to
being funny. The background was
always effective; but the stage of tha
St. James's was not designed for
pageantry and seemed badly over-
crowded in the riddle durbars.

I am sorry not to foresee a very
great future for so sporting a venture,
unless of course it can be reproduced
on a kinemaeolor film.

"Tire HEADMASTER."

A four-act comedy, preceded by a
four-act music-drama, makes a heavy
programme- for a dress rehearsal
iiatinto that begins at 3.30, and
many of the actors in the audience had
to slip away before the finish. Critics,
too, with a First Night performance
before them (to which nobody asked
me, so it is not my aS'air), had to
choose between their consciences and
their stomachs, and I can easily guess
which won.

The title of The Headmaster gave
promise of a school play, but it was
largely misleading. The scholastic ele-
ment was little more than the incidental
environment of an ordinary plot turning
upon two rather commonplace ideas
(1) a clergyman's passion for prefer-
ment, (2) an innocent remark misin-
terpreted as a proposal of marriage.
Complications ensue from the f.ict that
the designing widow who thus entraps
the reverend gentleman is the very
person to whom lie is to owe his offer of
preferment, and that his chance of a
bishopric is his chief attraction in her
eyes. But unfortunately this lady (very
soundly played by Miss IVOR) is not
constructed on the lines of Miss LOTTIE
VENNE, but is large and domineering
and in deadly earnest all which is apt
to get on our nerves almost as much
as upon those of her harassed victim.

Hut Mr. CYRIL MAUDE as an absent-
minded Headmaster of the last genera-
tion was a glorious figure, and his
scene with those two clever school-
boys, Masters ERIC KAE and KKXDRICK
HUXHAM, who came to him for a con-
firmation class, and not, as lie imagined,
for a swishing, has never been bettered
in realistic comedy. All the others,

THE BBIDK (SEI,F-)EI.ECT.

Mrs. Cirantley .. .. Miss FRANCES IVOR.
Bcv. Cutlibert Sanctuary Mr. CYRIL MAUDE.

JAM-ART 29. 1913.]

1TNCII, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

too, were c\cellent. from the Portia ol
Mi i MABGEBY MAUDE, most sweel ami
sympathetic, and her sister Anti<i<nir,
nicely played by little Miss
KATHI.KI.N' JOXKS, ioPallisscr (Intntley
(Mi-. Aiiriiuu Ci'KTis), a, perfect prig
of mi usher, and Mr. JOHN HAIIWOOD'S
scliool sergeant, the real manager of
tlic ncadi'iny. Mr. JACK lloims \\as a
quite human prefect, in love, of course,
with the Headmaster's daughter ; and
Mr. GoMBEBUEBE (..lad; Mrulnoi), the
junior master who won her heart, had
really the air of a 'Varsity Blue (a
rare thing on the stage), even if lie
did not make the most convincing of
lovers. And I shall have left nobody
out when I have mentioned the truly
di'raiial performance of Mr. BIBBY as
the Dean of Carchcster.

In the end tho play drifted off into
a pleasant series of detached episodes,
with a touch of serious sentiment which
did no harm.

It is a great pity that it did not start
a month ago and catch the school-hoy ;
but its whole atmosphere, if a little
thin in parts, should appeal just as
closely to all who have ever been young ;
and I look hopefully, as a good uncle
must, to seeing it run on into the
Easter holidays.

Inllaarlem thercDwell is a pleasantly
sordid little music-drama for three. A
young Dutch paasant-girl, bored by her
dull dog of a husband, arranges openly
to fly with her lover, but changes her
mind at tho last moment on finding a
message pinned to her husband's coat
requesting her, before eloping, to mend
a hole in it. If I had been arranging a
removal of this kind, I should not have
been put off by a thing like that ; but
of course it is a question of taste.

The play was practically wordless.
This did not trouble the husband, who
read the papar at meals and had a most
extraordinary gift of taciturnity The
music and the action did nearly all that
was needed, with the help of notices that
popped up from the orchestra, saying,
I' Three months' interval," " Six months'
interval," " Two days' interval." As
usual, the music took its own time, and I
the action and what words there were !
had to wait upon its convenience. But
it was impossible to be discontented so j
long as Miss MAUGKKY MAUDE was on j
the stage. She made an exquisite
picture, and played with the very nicest
intelligence. O. S.

CHENG V\M JIT roif. (NHWBPAPKB).

YiV li n to inform the public that this paper
will begin publishing on tho 1st of January. !
1913. JJciiif- ;IM up-datr Chinese newspaper,
ind having for its object to publish only \vlmt
is right it enjoys the largest circulation ever
obtained by any other paper."

The Simjaixire Fm Z'/vw.

"ADVANCED GOLF."

(With apologies to JAMES BRAID.)

IN A CITY EESTAUEANT.

(Founded on Fact.)
ALL my meagre dishes come

Stamped in the accepted way,
But a more impressive thumb *

Seems to mark their edge to-day ;
Waitress of the beating heart,
You 're a novice in the art.

From the depths you soared to fame,
From the kitchen, I '11 be bound,

Like Eurydice you came

Panting from the underground ;

Orpheus brought her back to earth ;

You arrive by solid worth.

She, alas ! did not remain.

May you meet a brighter fate I
When you find a trusty swain,

When yon need no longer wait,
May you rise to wealth and bliss:
Here 's * penny for you, Miss !

Clearing the Ground.
" On tho whole any confidence there may be
as to success seems to bo upon the side of the
opponents of tho extension of tho suffrage at
this particular juncture, rather than upon the
side of its opponents." Yorkshire Observer.

An anxious correspondent, who has
been suffering from the great servant
trouble, writes that since the latest
form of servant-hunting has reached
the point of advertising to prospective
maids the attractions of neighbouring
churches, cinemas and barracks, ve
appear to be very near something like
this :

House parlourmaid wanted at once in
the Pytchley country ; mount supplied,
also caps and aprons; outings on all
meet days and Sundays ; near kennels.
Splendid mixed shooting and free choice
of doctor. A little occasional work neces-
sary, but manicurist kept. Apply .

Advertiser will send car.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 29, 1913.

THE PROFESSIONAL REMOVER.

WHEN first Mrs. Robinson told
Robinson tbat she had every reason
to believe that Mrs. Smith, who lived
next door, was as anxious to get to
know Mrs. Eobinson as Mrs. Robinson
was determined not to get to know
Mrs. Smith, and warned him against
any effort on the part of Smith to get
to know him in order to assist Mrs.
Smith's object, Robinson pooh-pooh'd
the suggestion, as far as ho was able
to follow it. He promised, however,
to keep his eyes open and, doing so, he
could not conceal from himself that
Smith's comings and goings did seem
to coincide to a suspicious extent with
his own. So he obeyed his wife's
instructions and avoided him, a process
which involved many deviations and
sudden changes of programme, much
waste of time and even some lies.
Eventually he confessed to his wife
that there could be no doubt of Smith's
fixed determination to follow him about
and force a meeting. Indeed, he be-
came very incensed about it.

The climax was reached in his barber's
shop. Eobinson had sat there for
twenty long minutes in order to secure
the attention of his special artist.
His patience had just been rewarded,
and himself wrapped up for his hair-
cutting, when who should come in but
Smith, and where should he seat him-
self but in the next chair to Eobinson?
The position was impossible : Eobinson
could not be crudely offensive, and so,
sweating with suppressed emotion, he
spoke a reluctant " Good morning. . ."

Later he vented his wrath in the
presence of his friends and acquaint-
ances at the persistence of a man who
followed him even into his barber's !
" I wish I knew," he said, " of a means
of removing from existence those per-
sons, the constant effort and strain of
avoiding whom make a misery of one's
whole life ! "

A week later his office-boy announced
that a man, who withheld his name
and otherwise behaved mysteriously,
desired to see Eobinson. He would
not indicate the nature of his business;
he would not send a message. He
must see Robinson and see him alone.

" Show him in," said Eobinson, and
there appeared a soberly clad, secretive
man carrying a small black hand-bag.
He had the exact appearance of a
travelling dentist, if there are such
things.

" Your name? " asked Eobinson.

" Is irrelevant," came the answer.

" Your business ? "

" Eequires leading up to. ... Murder,
I submit, is a practice justly looked
down on, but it is the motive and not

the achieven>ent that is so disliked. It
is the malicious purpose or the mis-
chievous purposelessness of it tbat
offends against good taste. A worthy
object may relieve manslaughter of half
its blame; a pre-eminently worthy
object may even popularize it. Take
war, for instance."

" Don't go and tell me tbat you are
only a soldier," said Eobinson, with a
trace of disappointment in his voice.
" Your preface had led me to hope that
you were an assassin."

" I am the latter," said the man. " I
do not kill promiscuously in the service
of my country. I kill specifically on
the commission of private individuals."

At first Robinson was inclined to
suspect that this was too happy a
coincidence to be genuine and to see
in the whole affair some ingenious
scheme for attracting attention to a
patent medicine. But, observing the
man closely and remembering that his
(Robinson's) wishes with regard to
Smith were known to others, he changed
his mind. " Someone," he suggested,
" has mentioned my name to you ? "

The man nodded.

" Is the Removal of Persons One is
Constantly Having to Avoid . . . ? "

" My business ? Yes. But, if you
will hear me out, I hope to disabuse
your mind of the prejudice you might
have at first blush against my calling."

" We will not trouble you," said
Eobinson, judicially, "for we are al-
ready in your favour."

The man gave vent to a sigh of relief.
" Then we may at once proceed to the
real object of my visit," he said.

Eobinson smiled. " I can guess it.
You are anxious to exert yourself in
what I will call the case of Smith and
me?"

" That is what I was proposing to
do, if you will excuse me."

" I will certainly excuse you."

" And bear me no malice? "

" None whatever," said Eobinson,
raising his eyebrows. " Why should I? "

For the first time the man looked
almost surprised. Then he pulled
himself together. " Why should you ?
Why, indeed? " he muttered. " Is life
as valuable as all that ? Then, I take
it, I have not only your approval but
your defini e permission to proceed ? "

" Not only my permission, but my
authority," said Eobinson.

The man opened his bag and dis-
played the instruments of his craft.
" What particular means do you prefer
should be employed? " be asked.

" I leave that to Smith," said Eobin-
son. " It is only fair to consider his
convenience as far as possible."

The man paused. " Pardcn," he said,
"but Smith has left it to you."

Eobinson, frowning a little, asked
the man to explain how Smith came to
mention the matter.

" Most certainly," said the man, as he
produced a piece of rope from his bag
and tied Robinson politely but firmly
to the chair in which he sat. " I thought
you had understood that Smith was the
someone who mentioned your name to
me. He has tried, he says, to discredit
the suggestion first of his own wife and
then of his own eyes, and to believe that
it was only coincidence that so often
brought you together. That proving
impossible, he has tired himself out in
his efforts to avoid you, and, however
worrying and inconvenient the process
has been, he has, up to now, hesitated
to resort to the extreme measure of
employing me in the affair. But, he
says, the thing goes too far when be
cannot even go into his barber's to
be shaved without finding you there
waiting for him."

A PICTUEB WITH A MESSAGE.

I PAINTED a picture yesteryear

Of a child of angel mien
Eesignedly quitting this earthly sphere

Ere he reached his earliest 'teen ;
At the sight of this poignant work of
mine

I felt that a heart of stone
Would add to the parents' painted brine

A silent tear of its own.

But critical dealers waved it back,

Nor hesitated to say,
Since life itself could be grim and black,

All art should be glad and gay ;
Till a blight spread over my wonted
joys

To tnink I was like to be
Saddled for years with a "Dying Boy's "

Dispiriting company.

So I added a maid with a laughing eye,

Who bade their grief begone
By waving a box of pills on high

(The label was blank thereon).
A pill proprietor called ; the string

Of his purse he quickly loosed ;
I put in his name, and he's had the
thing

Extensively reproduced.

"The Hon. E. S. Montagu left last night
by the Punjab Mail for Udaipur.

The Hon. E. S. Montagu, M.P., Under-
secretary of State for India, left Calcutta, on
Tuesday night for Madras."

The Englishman.

We shall watch this serial with interest.

" DRY ROT. Interesting article sent free to
any address." Advt. in " Tlie Manchester
Evening Chronicle."

We wonder what they call the un-
interesting ones.

JANUARY 29, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.

NUT" WITHOUT ITS SCREW.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)

A WORD of serious warning to those about to read Mr.
OLIVER ONIONS' latest novel, The Debit Account (SECKER).
Be careful not to do as I did and miss an inconspicuous
note opposite the dedication, in which it is stated that
" This novel is complete in itself, but the early history of
its protagonists, and the events leading up to the situation
with which the story opens, are to be found in a previous
book entitled, In Accordance with the Evidence." If you
should neglect this, and if (again like myself) you should
be so unfortunate as not to know the earlier book, your
enjoyment will be marrid by an exasperated perplexity as
to what on earth the characters are driving at. Not until
page 108 do you get any clue to the special position of the
hero, Jeffries, with regard to his girl-wife. Briefly the
explanation is that lie himself had for a good and sufficient
motive, not to be set down here killed her previous fiance,
and escaped punishment fo* it. This book shows how in
the end lie does not escape. It is a clever tale, exceedingly
well told, tracing out logically and truthfully the develop-
ments inherent in the situation with which it starts. Mr.
ONIONS has an amazinggift also of making ordinary things
not perhaps beautiful but new and uncommon. Whether
he speaks of setting up house in a jerry-built cottage at
Hampstead, of a business-dinner at the Berkeley, or chops
and tea at a model club in Chelsea, he makes of each a
thing challenging outside expectation. And you never
know what lie will say next which is a rare and refreshing
stimulant. The Debit Account is thus certainly a book for
all who admire quality in fiction but I repeat my advice
tluit you should know first what debt is being paid.

This is the age of artistic restraint. Dramatists are
taking to the " quiet curtain." Comedians in farce, in
moments of embarrassment, stand like statues instead of
zig-zagging about the stage and slapping people on the
back ; and novelists with a lurid story to tell become almost
dry in their manner. To this school belongs Mr. ANTHONY
DYLLINGTON. His earlier novel, Tfie Unseen Thing, had as
weird and sensational a theme as one could invent, but
his style and restraint gave it a dignity which raised it
above the merely lurid. His latest work, The Stranger
in the House (WERNER LAURIE), belongs to the same
genre, and once more he has been completely successful
in avoiding crude sensationalism. It was not an easy task.
I wonder what the manufacturers of the old three-decker
would have made out of the same material. They would
certainly have been fascinated by the central idea of an
evil spirit entering into a woman's body at the moment of
death, as her soul left it. And I seem to see them gloating
over " the Boy," the idiot heir of Lord and Lady Brayden.
Mr. DYLLINGTON'S art carries him triumphantly past all the
pitfalls of his story. He has himself admirably in hand at
all times. He has a great gift of condensation. I commend
to authors who cannot do without plenty of elbow-room
a perusal of chapter seven of this book. It is a fifty-thousand-
word novel in sixteen pages. The only drawback to the
story, to my mind, is that which mars all novels of the
supernatural, namely that what should be the climax
becomes something of an anti-climax owing to the fact of
the reader's having adjusted his mind to contemplation of
the horrible. The great moment in all these stories is
about half-way through, when the reader begins to suspect.
When he knows, the tension slackens. None the less The
Stranger in the House is to be commended highly.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[JANUARY 29, 1913.

If two people are to lose each other in the heart of London ;
i' all the efforts of Scotland Yard and the agony column
arc to be of no avail; if, moreover, to increase the poignancy
of the situation, they must needs live within a stone's
throw of each other in Soho, it is essential, I suppose, that
one of them at least should suffer from a lapse of memory
and a change of name. This, at any rate, is what happens
to John Faithful, who mislays his daughter Marcc.lle, in
Chapter I. of SOPHIE COLE'S In Search of Each Other
(MILLS AND BOON). But if there is something a little too
mechanical about her plot I must congratulate the authoress
heartily on her choice of characters. The young gentleman
who extracts teeth in You Never Can Tell is a butterfly sort
of creature at best. Here we have a dentist light-hearted
enough when he chooses, but of sufficient serious merit to make
a worthy husband for a sweet and spirituelle young girl.
And who marries John Faithful (for he is a widower) when
he remembers his right name and recovers his daughter ?
Who, out of a hundred guesses, but one of those delightful
ladies who do the fashion sketches with figures like the Tower
of Pisa, and write of love and dress and infantile ailments

for the weekly feminine magazines ?
had the heart of one of
these oracles laid bare
to me any more than I
have pierced behind the
veil which shrouds
odontological domes-
ticity. In Search of
Each Other is a plea-
sant if rather superfi-
cial tale, and whatever
one thinks of it the
authoress has at least
resisted the temptation
to call it " Behind the
Throne " or " Crowned
with Gold."

Never before have I

on without one, read this book. At any rate I can promise
you some most amusing types and three really delightful
urchins of the true Cockney breed.

Upon my
hardly know

word, I
what to

A KEEPER OF THE KING'S PRIVY PURSE INTERPRETS HIS TITLE LITERALLY.

say about The Friendly Enemy (MILLS AND BOON). I have
no doubt about my own feelings in the matter; I was
absorbed. But then I like being preached at, providing the
preacher is a humorous and observant fellow, obsessed by no
tiresome cranks and free from prejudices and limitations.
Mr. T. P. CAMEBON WILSON is all that and more also, but I
doubt if he is sufficiently definite in his conclusions to appeal
to everybody. He is an idealist and a cynic, but he allows
neither his idealism nor his cynicism to blind him to the
facts as they are ; in the end he leaves the reader alive to
many new and oppressive problems, possessed of the solu-
tion of none of them and uncomfortably obscure about life
and his proper attitude to it in general. There is no actual
story in the book, but a series of well-connected and mutu-
ally relevant instances. All are taken from the meaner
streets of London and most of the characters are urchins.
A fairy godfather descends upon these and takes them out
of their squalor into the fresh clean country, where one
might expect them to thrive. So far from doing that, they
find the country lacking in something as essential to life as
it is indefinite ; they insist upon returning to their squalor
forthwith, and when they get there they are still unsatisfied.
Unhappily, the author does not go on to tell us what to do
about it. If you wish your emotions to be stirred on broad
and easy lines, go elsewhere. If you are ready to have your
intelligence exercised while your sympathies are being en-
listed ; if you are prepared to be left to form your own
philosophy, or, having had your eyes opened, still to go

My bristles are always mildly agitated by a novel in which
I am introduced to a writer whose work is never revealed
to me. Mr. Bravery, in Lot Barrow (SECKER), was a milk-
and-watery young man who wrote essays. Apart from the
sympathy which he entertained for a maid-of-all-work, his
life was lacking in colour ; I hoped, therefore, that he was
going to write something that would atone for his amiable
unimportance. And on page 102 Miss VIOLA MEYNELL
raises the cup of expectation to my lips, only to dash it
abruptly to the ground. " Mr. Bravery sat at a little table,
with his manuscript before him. He began to read aloud,
and we shall hear a little of what he read. But, on the
whole, no. Those who wish may discover it for themselves."
Frankly, I felt no craving for this research work ; and since
the author declined to appease my curiosity, I let it go, and
with it the faint interest I had ever felt in the man.
Throughout this novel, which has for its setting a most
delightfully fragrant, gillyflowery farmhouse, Miss MEYNELL

is excessively careful
of the nerves of her
readers. Perhaps that
is why she spared us
Mr. Bravery's essays.
But I am always glad
to have my nerves
tried, and though I can
do with an occasional
rest I must have some-
thing more than atmo-
sphere, however whole-
some or rarefied. Lot
Barrow is, in short, the
kind of book that many
people profess to like,
but very few find time
to read. It is a pity that
this is so, for great care

and not a little distinction of phrase have gone to its making.

The Book of Woodcraft and Indian Lore, by Mr. ERNEST
THOMPSON SETON (CONSTABLE), ought to be in the hands of
every Boy Scout, and I would advise those elders who put
it there to avail themselves of the rare occasions w-hen it
will be free, and dip into it on their own account. A good
many of Mr. SETON'S preliminary pages are devoted to
clearing the Eed Indian of accxisations of cruelty, laziness,
uncleanliness and treachery with which prejudice has
loaded him. This is a matter which possibly is of more
moment to American readers (for whom the book was
written) than English, though the information gathered is
full of general interest. One of the unwritten laws of Indian
etiquette, for instance, is the charge : " Do not talk to your
mother-in-law at any time, or let her talk to you." This,
however, is by the way. The real part of the book is its
woodcraft. Here is one of seventeen tests which the young
Brave in Mr. SETON'S suggested organisation must pass
in order to qualify as a Tried Warrior : " Light fifteen
successive fires with fifteen matches all in different places
and with wild wood stuff." If an ordinary smoker could do
that, there would be no more tragedies of the last wax vesta.

" Mrs. celebrated her one hundredth birthday yesterday. She

was visited by her twin sister, age ninety-five." South Wales Echo.

The absence of the third member of the triplet, an old lady
of eighty-two, was much regretted.

ITNCIf, On TJIK LONDON CHAUIVAIir.

CHARIVARIA.

PK.SYIXG thai any member ol

At i tiro in Islington last week a ' seen them twice." It M nerrs-.-n'v, we
Bgardless of the risk, ! are told by a patron of iho Mtwio-iiallfl

rushed upstairs and

Government would
Snll'rage question,

resign on tlie
Mr ifi.i;i:r,UT

1:1, said that the- (Jo\ 'eminent " had
any great tasks in hand to justify
a ijuarrcl upon tliis one issue." We
We afraid Unit the Pillar Box Ou! rages
have embittered the INKVNT S\.MI:I-:I,.

Referring to Mr. BeNAB TAW'.-,
suggestion that the veto of the
KIN<; might ho revived in order
to prevent the passing of the
Home Kule Bill, Mr. JOHN
HKDMOND said that a greater
insult to tho KINO had never
boon offered. Mr. REDMOND
must brush up his Irish -history.

The question whether women
aro entitled to he admitted as
solicitors is to be settled by ai
Court of Law. One of the ad-
vantages of the proposed inno-
vation would be, no doubt, that
the solicitor's gown, which is at
present a thing of extreme
ugliness, would be bound to be
brightened up.

-.;: :'f
# -

"G,66G REWARD FOR LOUD

UAHDINGE'S ASSAILANT,"
announces The Liverpool Dai h/
J'ont. And very often we leave
our heroes to starve.

It is rumoured in Oxford that,
in view of the national service
now being performed by Mag-
dalen College, its President is
about to bo given the official title
of " WAHHEN the King-Maker."

>|: :|:

The Observer declares that
" La Joconde " was never ab-
ducted from the Louvre, but
that one of the official photo-

succeeded n res-
cuing his pet canary from the flames.
Tho bird, in a transport of gratitude,
is said to have embracr-d his rescuer
again and agai-:

The suggestion made in the courso of
an action last week that a sardine is

not a (is! i but :ui animal, has caused

eraphers accidentally spilt a
bottle of acid over her face. It
is not impossible that she may
one day reappear at the gallery
under the title of

'La Miserable."
*

Inspector (to arrested woman). " WHAT'S YOI-B SAME?"
Woman. "JEST tins FBOO THK NIMES o* THE CABIMCK

MlNSTKKLS, WILti YER, OLE DEAR? I'VE FOBGOT FOB THE
MINNIT OO'3 HY 'USBIXG ! "

[According to the Prcs-s it is understood that it is au agreed
Suffragette plan for women who are am* tod to give tho names
'

to look twice, sometimes, !n Sco what
Mile. J)I:M.YS has on.

The /o';y>/vv> tells us of a N' ( .-.v Vork
broker who fell in love on meeting (hi
lady for the first time at a dinner patty,
proposed, was accepted, and in
her tho next day. But then, in
America, marriage 'is a murh shnplei
thing. Couples aro only united
till Divorce do them pail.

AN UNSOLICITED TESTI
MONIAL.

Oi:n Paris Corresponclen t
writes: The discovery of an
Elixir of Life by a famous French
scientist is by no means so recent
a< his announcement o! it. I
happen to know that some
i fifteen years ago he prepared at
' great pains a bottle of this
specific, which, however, mys
tei'iously disappeared and was
never heard of again until the
other day, when an old woman
living in a poor suburb of La
Ville Lumicre confessed to the
theft. I translate her statement
into idiomatic English: "I was
the charwoman who scrubbed
out the gentleman's laboratory,"
she said, "and one night,
feeling something come over me
all of a sudden like, I went to
his cupboard and took out the
only thing to drink that I could
find. It did me a world of good
at the time, and I feel sure it
must have been the stuff there's
so much talk about in the
papers, for when I took it I wa-s
only forty-five, and nmv I urn
sixty."

From a City Outfitter's ad-
vertisement : -

"Wo have only a small quantity

of Cabinet Ministers' wives. The idea may spread to other ' of these gloves and the price we offer

types that come into collision with the Police.]

" Or take Mr. Hamilton Hay's ' Still
Life,' "says Mr. KONODT in a review
of the latest exhibition of rosfc-Im-
pres.,ionist paintings. We are very
sorry, but we really cannot.

Eeading that two Constables had;.., H ... ,, ull ^,, illliJIlululu

n damaged by a visitor at the Na- : specific. And, to be sure, there is no
I tonal Gallery, a dear old lady remarked ' life like the present.
that those assaults on the police were
becoming far too frequent. The obvious
absence of all intentional malice

no little satisfaction in sardine circles,
and fishermen report that since then,
when passing through shoals of the
little fish, they have heard a distinct
purring noise. s .,.
"V"

"Cn:i:n WHII.F. YOU BBKATHE"
the headin of the latest invaluable

be the lady's excuse for reviving this
ancient pleasantry.

'To dress well," sa\s Mile. GABY
l>Ksi,i.s in '/'/(, Royal Magazine, " the
real gentlfitnap always wean the clothes
which you do not see until you have

them at should quickly muko them
change bauds."

As soon as they begin to go bad you
just make them change hands and
wear them front side behind.

for Cricklewood; J62 ; 4 in
family; no housework ; no l>asi<iitrnt; help
given." Adrt. in " Ercniny -Vfirs."

No doubt they will find her something
to do in the garden.

"Jumping into au arabieh, he drove furi-
ous!;, to the British Agency, cxcl:iimiug, 'I
want to save I,ord Kitchener's soul.' Itow-
ever, he was foiled iu the attempt."

Better luck next time.

The Hear East.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 5, 1913.

LOVE AND THE MILITANTS;

On, HCTW I BECAME AN ANTI-SUFFRAGIST.

I HAD deferred to speak my heart

Until tho bloom of Spring was here,
For LOVE, according to the chart,

Does best about that time of year ;
" A fortnight more of fog and mud "

(Thus to iny restive bosom spoke I),
" Then let your passion burst in bud

Contemporaneous with the croci."

But, ere the mists of Jan. had gone

(Supposed a barren month and bare),
Pacing my plot, I lighted on

Tho flower in question flaming there !
I stood a moment stricken dumb,

Then took and pulled myself together,
Saying, " The crucial hour is come,

Accelerated by the weather 1 "

I wrote : " Dear Lilian, just a line

To say I love you much the most ;
Will you, or will you not, be mine ?

Please answer by return of post.
Say ' Yes 'I live ; or ' No 'I die ! "

Addressed it, duly signed and dated,
Enclosed a stamp for her reply,

Slipped it within the slot and waited.

Two days and her response arrived.

It wore (besides a pungent scent)
The air of having just survived

A chemical experiment ; '
I oped it every pulse aglow,

My outward mien remaining placid
And found her " Yes " (or else her " No " ?)

Deieted^by corrosive acid.

And 'twas a Woman's female hand,

Fingers that LOVE may once have pressed,
Which did not spare (oh shame ! ) to brand

His correspondence with the rest I
A postal order, spoilt that way,

I could and easily afford her,
But ah ! a Young Thing's " Yea ". (or " Nay " ?)-

That is a far, far larger order.

So, while I bear once more the strain

Till four-and-eighty hours are flown
(To wire were crude, and then, again, '

She isn't on the telephone),
Packed in a hell not much above

The lowest depths explored by DANTE,
A Woman's despite done to LOVE

Has wrought of me a raging Anti ! 0. S.

Hygiene and Hobbles.

"Tho homo trade is 'spotty,' and tho dining departments can
hardly be doing well ; indeed they have not recovered from the
damage done by tho ugly tight skirts." Manchester Guardian.
Though we never liked to say so, we always felt that a
tight skirt might hurt the " dining department " to adopt
our contemporary's graceful phrase.

From a report in The Sheffield Daily Telegraph of Pro-
fessor J. O. ARNOLD'S lecture on Scientific Steel Metallurgy
before the Eoyal Institution:

"Since 1:386 Sheffield steel in the form of table knives had been
in almost everybody's mouth."
A splendid record of valour.

TEDDY AND EDWIN.

THE statement made in last week's British Weekly, that
Mr. I\OOSI-:VEI,T is about to undertake a searching inves-
tigation into The Mystery of Edwin Drood, has naturally
caused profound sensation on both sides of the Atlantic.

Mr. TAFT, who has been interviewed on the subject by a
representative of The American Bird, stated as his opinion
that the Drood Case clearly called for international arbitra-
tion, but that the constitution of the Hague Tribunal was
not such as to afford a guarantee that tho identity of
Datchcry would be satisfactorily established. For tho
moment, however, he thought that the diversion of the
"Bull Moose" Party into the paths of literary mystery was
a subject for national rejoicing.

Dr. WOODROW WILSON has declined to commit himself
to any precise statement as to the political significance of
Mr. EOOSEVELT'S latest move. Ho observed, however,
that if it led him on to tho Man in the Iron Mask or tho
Letters of Junius the peace of the United States might be
assured for another decade.

Great excitement prevails in Rochester, the scene of
DICKENS'S famous romance, in view of the rumour that
Mr. ROOSEVELT will shortly take up his residence in that
city. At a public meeting held last wcsk it was unanimously
decided to invite Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD to execute a
colossal statue of the ex-President to commemorate his visit.
A proposal to import some lions and other big game, in
order to furnish Mr. ROOSEVELT with relaxation during his
research, was also favourably considered.

Interviewed by a representative of Brainy Bits Sir
ROBERTSON NICOLL stated ; that negotiations were pending
with a view to induce Mr. ROOSEVELT to accept the post
of Contributing Editor of The British Weekly. The scheme
would involve a considerable extension of the paper, as it
was proposed to place an amount of space at Mr. ROOSE-
VELT'S disposal equal to tlijat allotted to CLAUDIUS CLEAR.
His weekly contribution would, it was hoped,' take the form
of a strenuous commentary oh current events under the
heading of " A Cowboy's Causerie. : "

It only remains to be added that for the moment calm
reigns in Oyster Bay.

The Progress of Education.

[Definitions from a "General Knowledge" paper set at a Derby-
shire school.] -

Sporran. (1) A heathen god; (2) a track of country in
Russia.

Boomerang. A monkey that lives iu the jungle.

Aurora Leic/h. An earthquake.

Wielding the icillow. Caning.

The devouring element. (1) The mouth; (2) Insurance Bill.

Galaxy. A language of the Gauls.

Weaker vessel. German warship.

The better half. Conservative.

Carillon. A term of endearment in Italy.

Liebig. A German love-song.

[" Carillon mio," as we say at Covcnt Garden, " trill mo
a Liebig."] :

In a Daily Mirror interview the following remark is

attributed to the Editor of The Tailor and Cutter :

" At this time of the year everybody with the means and tho leisure
tries to get away to the Riviera for tlie winter sports in Switzerland."

Ah ! but how few succeed! There is, of course, some gocd
ski-ing to be done on the Promenade des Anglais at Nice ;
and there is the famous ice-run from La Turbie to the
Casino; but it isn't Switzerland.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

5. 1913.

THE BAYARD OF BUKHAREST.

ROOUNIA (politely to Bulgaria). "I AM SURE, DEAR OLD FRIEND, YOU WILL WISH TO
RECOMPENSE ME FOR NOT STABBING YOU FROM BEHIND IN THE PREVIOUS BOUT;
AND I AM THEREFORE PROPOSING TO ANTICIPATE YOUR KINDNESS BY MAKING OFF
WITH YOUR COAT."

HOW MILITANT SUFFRAGETTES ARE MADE.

Caddie (to visitor). " THAT 'rf TIIK OLD OHKEN TO THIS 'OLE, Sin. IT GETS FLOODED, BO TirFT'vr. GIVE IT TO THE r.rr>res!"

THE ROSE BOWL.

AN EXCURSION INTO AKT.
(In the manner of one of the Critics of
tin- New Post-Impressionist Exhibition.)

WHAT do the Public make of Mr.
Yiin Slosh's exquisite " Eose-bo\vl and
Hoses," this masterpiece of truth of j
tilings as they arc, and not as we see
tlic-m? Do they see only a gilt frame,
and thrco or four irregular rhomboids
splashed with paint ?

Let us endeavour to explain what ire
see, in words that the coarsest and
crudest of the savage daubsters and
realists of old, the Velasquezes, the
Corots, the Meissonniers, and the
Whistlers, could follow.

First we consult our catalogue this,
alas, is still necessary, even to 1:3, who
are acolytes of the new mystery of Art.
Then, little by little, very little by little,
for wo too were once unbelievers, it
permits us to understand.

And then ? A mystic and other-world
odour steals upon our senses blossoms
that are not, and never will be ! Marvels
of marvels artistry Satanic and angelic
both 1 The nosiness of the nose, the
rosincss of the rose, the bowliness of
the bowl ; and bowl and roses are not
there, on the canvas 1

Not there? Yea, they are there.

They are coming through the fog of our |
perceptions, as a barge comes through
a fog on the Thames and they arc
strangely liko barges four barges
barges imbedded abreast in &pa*ticeio\
of tidal mud. Yes, we see them now ;
and surely it is our triumph as much as
the master's?

What has the artist done? He Jins
shamed, itpo'i perishable canvas, the
Sham, Insincerity and Vulgarity of
Nature !

Here arc roses, oh, such roses ! The
roses that poets have dreamed of, and
singers have sung of, and amateur i
gardeners through all time have lied
and boasted of in the 9.1 train. Thank
Heaven that roses like these do not
grow on this earth for the sob of their
scent, the exquisite pain of their parturi-
tion, would bo too much for mortals !

Look at them closely, now that you
knotr those four (or is it five? they
do run together so) irregular rhomboids.
Look at the passion of them, the de-
lirium of them, the disdain of them, the
supreme a sa fitful a, which their frag-
rance exhales. " Eoses all the way "
the way that Nature has missed and
that Art, which for ever shrinks from
the crudities of Nature, has found.
Note the petals of course they are not
there ; Mr. Van Slosh has outsoared

Nature's meticulous details but note
them nevertheless. Note the stem it
is not there; for the roses of Mr. Van
Slosh have grown in the unsupporting
anther of Paradise but note it never-
theless. Note the thorns! What joyous
caprice is tin's of the master, that the
thorns arc there, pushed from beneath
the canvas, in an ecstasy of mockery of
this Public who only know rosos when
they have pricked their fingers !

Lastly, note the bowl, so consummate
in its utter absence that one of the
dear roses (or rhomboids what does it
matter ?) has fallen out of it ; and the
water, that should be in it, is streaming
instead from your eyes in tears or in
what other emotions ! Ah ! what ?

Never again will we look on real
roses. Never again will we lay our
face on that harsh texture of coarse
hlowsy petals. Never again will we
inhale without nausea that vitiate,
brutal aroma. The very word "per-
gola" is henceforth abhorrent.

Hut will oil will the Public ever
understand ?

"Fnrrr VHOM TIM: ('*>

Record-sized Tjobstor lit Smilhfield Market."
Mnivhrslcr firming Chronicle.

Tin's must be the South African equiva-
lent of our crab-apple.

100

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 5, 1913.

A FLASH OF SUMMER.

and affection ; he was accustomed to ! indeed is the splintered bat with which
give orders and have them instantly Mr. G. L. JESSOP made a triilo of 168
THERE is a street in London called ! obeyed ; but almost anyone could bowl j against Lancashire. I wish the date
Cranbourn Street, which serves no j him out, and it is on record that those ; was given ; I wish even more that the
particular purpose of its own, but is ! royal hands, so capable in their grasp length of the innings in minutes was
useful as leading from Long Acre and j of orb and sceptre, had only the most given. Whether the splinters were lost
Garrick Street to the frivolous delights rudimentary and incomplete idea of j then, or later, we should also bo told.
of " Hullo, Ragtime !" and serviceable retaining a catch. Such are human ; But there it is, and, after seeing it, how
also in the possession of a Tube station limitations! Here, however, in the | to get through these infernal months
from which one may go to districts of ; Cranbouru Street window, is His ; of February and March and April and
London as diverse as Golder's Green MAJESTY'S bat, and even without the half May, until real life begins again,
and Hammersmith. These to the accompanying label one would guess ] one doesn't know and can hardly

conjecture. And what do you
think is beside it? Nothing less
than "the best bat" that Mr.
M. A. NOBLE ever played with
the leisurely, watchful Austra-
lian master, astute captain,
inspired change-bowler and the
steady, remorseless compiler of
scores at the right time. It is
something to have in darkest
February NOBLE'S best bat be-
neath one's eyes.

And lastly (for 1 set no
value upon brand-new bats
covered with Colonial auto-
graphs) there is a scarred and
discoloured blade which bears
the brave news that witli it
did that old man hirsute, now
on great match-days a land-
mark in the Lord's pavilion,
surveying the turf where once
he ruled W. G. himself, no
less! mado over a thousand
runs. Historic wood if you
like ; historic window !

No wonder then that I scheme
to get Cranbourn Stress into
my London peregrinations. For
here is youth renewed and the
dismallest of winters moment-
arily slain.

" Davics and Chocsman wore con-
tinually feeding tho English threes,
and another score would liavo resulted
but for some heavy talking by
Andre." Football Star.

Poulton (to Coates). " He 's
swearing in French. I must
stop and listen."

ordinary eye are the principal
merits of Cranbourn Street.
But, to tho eye which more
minutely discerns, it has deeper
and finer treasure : it has a shop
window with a little row of
cricket bats in it so discreetly
chosen that they not only form
a vivid sketch of the history of
the greatest of games but enable
anyone standing at the window
anil studying them to defeat
for tire moment the attack of
this present dreariest of winters
and for a brief but glorious
space believe in the sun again.
And what of the treasures ?
Well, to begin with, the oldest
known bat is here a dark lop-
sided club such as you see in
the early pictures in the pavilion
of Lord's, that art gallery which
almost justifies rain during a
matcli, since it is only when
rain falls that one examines it
witli any care. Of this bat
there is obviously no history, or
it would be written upon it, and
the fancy is therefore free to
place it in whatever hands one
will TOM WALKER'S, or BELD-
HAM'S, or Lord FREDERICK
BEAUCLERK'S, or even EICHARD
NYREN'B himself, father of the
first great eulogist of the game.
Beside it is another veteran,
not quite so old though, and
approaching in shape the bat of
our own day such a bat as
LAMBERT, or that dauntless
sportsman, Mr. OSBALDISTON
(" The Squire," as he was known in the
hunting field), may have swung in
famous single-wicket

is even more of a
curiosity. Nothing less than the very
bat which during his brief and not too
glorious cricket career was employed
to defend his wicket, if not actually
the late KING
he was PRINCE
OP WALES. For that otherwise accom-
plished ruler and full man (as the old
phrase has it) was never much of a

P.O. X. "'Ow'B YEB DOIN', BOB?"

Commish. "Al. THIS 'ERE PAYS BETTEB'N PICTURES."

one of their
contests.

Beside these

to make runs, by
EDWARD VII. when

it)

C. B. FRY. He knew the world as few
have known it ; he commanded respect

that it was the property of no very
efficient cricketer. For it lacks body ;
no one who really knew would have
borne to the pitch a blade so obviously
incapable of getting the ball to the
ropes; while just beneath tho too
fanciful splice is a silver plate. Now
all cricketers are aware that it is when
the incoming man carries a bat with a
silver plate on it that the scorers (if
ever) feel entitled to dip below the
table for the bottle and glass and
generally relax a little.

So much for what may be called the
freaks of this fascinating window. Now
for the facts. A very striking fact

than

Consummation.

[" To travel hopefully is a bettor thinj
to arrive." R. L. Stevenson."]

SOME philosopher has stated

That to strive for things is vain,
That success is over-rated

And the prizes we obtain
Disappoint us when wo get them ;
one example will explain.

Here before tho mirror shaving
With a trembling hand and blue,

Well I recollect the craving,

Little beard, I had for you ;

Do I cherish, now I 've got it, this

appendage ? Pas (lit tout I

FEBRUARY 5, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

101

"HATE TOU SEEK HOUNDS PASS THIS WAT, BOY?"

" YES, Sir. ; BCT I 'it AFHAID THEY AHI'T sucKra' TO THE HOAD, SIR."

THE TACTFUL TENANT.

(A Model for Flat-IhfcUers.)

A POND, a strip of heath, two lines of trees
Such is the prospect that my gaze is skimming;

But every morn there passes, if you please,
A girl with a mauve hat. I hate tbe trimming.

Therefore I wrote our landlord : " I am loth
To seem to make a mountain of a mole-hill,

But some things constitute a breach of troth :

This hat " (I sketched the outline) " makes my soul ill.

" Others might dwell upon our bathroom pipe,
Prate of the patch of damp that spoils a coiling ;

Others, again, a crude litigious typo,

Might call your notice to the paper's peeling ;

11 1 do not. I am silent. I forbear

To ask in what near pub., in what low quarter

Lurks (when we want the coal brought up the stair)
Steeped in eponymous carouse, the porter.

" I make no plaints, I roll no catalogue

Of crimes at No. G. I calmly swallow
The ululations of their so-called dog ;

I brook their gramophone that baits Apollo.

" The garden that we Lopsd to get to lovo,
Used by the object of the strange pretension

I spoke of in tho stanza just above

To hoard his bones in that I do not mention.

" I merely wish to harp upon the view
The view that most of all things recommended

The little mansion let to us by you,

The outlook that your ads. described as " splendid "-

" Vision of waters and of wooded peace,
And yon tall spire behind tho beech wood spinneys

(The mouth-piece of the muse who penned our lease
Must have included that or why those guineas V).

" And shall this harmony that soothes our cares
By one appalling hat bo daily broken ?

You are responsible for all repairs.
See to it. Get it mended. I have spoken."
****

Strange ending. Now the decorator's here,
The ape at No. C is gagged and haltered,

The porter drinks less, but beside the mcro
The lady with the hat goes on unaltered.

EVOE.

" MABBLE BEEAKS A WINDOW. While a couple of boys were plaring
in Aubrey Street, Hereford, on Tuesday,, one of them unintentionally
kicked a marble against tho window in the show-rooms of the Hereford
Corporation Gas Department, breaking a large pane of plate glass.
The lada, who live in the neighbourhood, had been playing marbles."

The Hereford Times (italics by "Punch").

We aro very glad that an event of such magnitude and
poignancy should not have escaped notice in one of our
great provincial organs. At the same time we congratulate
our contemporary on avoiding all catch-penny methods in
its treatment of the subject. The restraint shown in
that brief and simple reflection, " The lads had been playing
marbles," should be a lesson to some of our London dailies.

102

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CnAElVARL_ [FEBRUARY 5.

WINTER SPORT.

I. AN INTRODUCTION.

"I HAD better say at once," I an-
nounced as I turned over the wine list,
" that I have come out here to enjoy
myself, and enjoy myself I shall. Myra,
what shall we drink ? "

"You had three weeks honeymoon
in October," complained Thomas, " and
you 're taking another three weeks now.
Don't you ever do any work ? "

and I smiled at each other.

" What is the French for a pair of
snow-shoes?" asked Myra.

" I pointed to them in French. The
undersized Robert I got at a bargain.
The man who hired it last week broke
his leg before his fortnight was up,
and so there was a reduction of several
centimes."

" I 've been busy too," I said. " I 've
been watching Myra unpack, and tell-
ing her where not to put my things."

I packed jolly well
accident."

xcept for the

Coming from Thomas, who spends his
busy day leaning up against the wire-
less installation at the Admiralty, the
remark amused us.

" We '11 have champagne," said Myra,

"because it's our " opening night.

Archie, after you with the head-waiter."

It was due to Dahlia, really, that the

Rabbits were hibernating at the Hotel

das Angeliques, Switzerland (central-

heated throughout) ; for she had been

ordered abroad, after an illness, to pull

herself together a little, and her doctor

had agreed with Archie that she might

as well do it at a placa where her

husband could skate. On the point

that Peter should come and skate too,

however, Archie was firm. While

admitting that he loved his infant son,

he reminded Dahlia that she couldn't

possibly get through Calais and Pont-

arlier without declaring Peter, and

that the duty on this class of goods

was remarkably heavy. Peter, there-

fore, was left behind. He had an army

of nurses to look after him, and a

stenographer to take down his more

important remarks. With a daily

bulletin and a record of his table-talk

promised her, Dahlia was prepared to

be content.

As for Myr^and me, we might have
hesitated to take another holiday so
soon, had it not been for a letter I
received one morning at breakfast.

"Simpson is going," I said. "He
has purchased a pair of skis."

" That does it," said Myra decisively.
And, gurgling happily to herself, she
went out and bought a camera.

For Thomas I can find no excuses.
At a moment of crisis ho left his
country's Navy in jeopardy and, the
Admiralty yacht being otherwise en-
gaged, booked a first return fron
COOK'S. And so it was that at foui
o'clock one day we arrived together a
the Hotel des Angeliques, and some
three hours later were settling dowi
comfortably to dinner.

" I 've had a busy time," said Archie
" I 've hired a small bob, a luge and a
pair of skis for myself, a pair of snow
shoes and some skates for Dahlia, a a
tricycle horse for Simpson, and I don'
know what else. All in French."

1 An accident to the boot-oil," I
explained. " If I get down to my last
three shirts you will notice it."

We stopped eating for a moment in
order to drink Dahlia's health. It was
Dahlia's health which had sent us
there.

Who 's your friend, Samuel ? " said
Archie, as Simpson caught somebody's
eye at another table and nodded.

"A fellow I met in the lift," said
Simpson casually.

" Samuel, beware of elevator ac-
quaintances," said Myra in her most

solemn manner.

He 's rather a good chap.

lie was

at Peterhouse with a friend of mine,
le was telling mo quite a good story
my friend gave there

;er-beers
upted.

xbout a ' wine
nee, when-

" Did you tell him about your ' gin

at Giggleswick ? " I inter-

My dear old chap, ho 's rather a
man to be in with. He knows the
?resident."

' I thought nobody knew the Presi-
lent of the Swiss Republic," said Myra.
Like the Man in the Iron Mask."
"Not that President, Myra. The
President of the ' Angeliques Sports
ilub."

" Never heard of it," we all said.

Simpson polished his glasses and
prepared delightedly to give an ex-
planation.

The Sports Club runs everything
here," he began. " It gives you prizes
for fancy costumes and skating and so
on."

"Introduce me to the President at
once," cooed Myra, patting her hair
and smoothing down her frock.

" Even if you were the Treasurer's
brother," said Archie, " you wouldn't
get a prize for skating, Simpson."

" You 've never seen him do a rock-
ing seventeen, sideways."

Simpson looked at us pityingly.

" There 's a lot more in it than that,"
he said. " The President will introduce
you to anybody. One might see er
somebody one rather liked the look of,
and er Well, I mean in an hotel
one wants to enter into the hotel life
and er meet other people."

' Who is she? " said Myra.

' Anybody you want to marry must

submitted to Myra for approval
first," I said. "We've told you so
several times."

Simpson hastily disclaimed any in-
tention of marrying anybody and helped
himself lavishly to champagne.

It so happened that I was the first
of our party to meet the President,
an honour which, perhaps, I hardly
deserved. While Samuel was seeking
tortuous introductions to him through
friends of Peterhouse friends of his, the
President and I fell into each other's
arms in the most natural way.

It occurred like this. There was a
dance after dinner; and Myra, not
satisfied with my appearance, sent me
upstairs to put some gloves on. (It is
one of the penalties of marriage that
one is always being sent upstairs.)
With my hands properly shod I re-
turned to the ball-room, and stood for
a moment in a corner while I looked
about for her. Suddenly I heard a
voice at my side.

" Do you want a partner ? " it said.

I turned, and knew that I was face
to face with the President.

" Well," I began

"You arc a new-comer, aren't you?
I expect you don't know many people.
If there is anybody you would like to
dance with

I looked round the room. It was
too good a chance to miss.

" I wonder," I said. " That girl over
there in the pink frock just putting
up her fan

He almost embraced me.

" I congratulate you on your taste,'
he said. " Excellent ! Come with me.'

He went over to the girl in the pink
frock, I at his heels.

".Er, may I introduce," he said. " Mr
er er -yes, this is Miss er yes
H'r'm." Evidently he didn't know hei

name.

"Thank you," I said to him. Ho
nodded and left us. I turned to th

girl in the pink frock. She was very
pretty.

"May I have this dance?" I asked
" I 've got my gloves on," I added.

She looked at me gravely, trying liar
not to smile.

"You may," said Myra. A. A. M

If s of the Week.

"If the kittle of Wellington was won o:
the playing-fields of Eton." Methodist Timo

To the Hero who Flew the Eimplon
Did ever man contrive to do

So lofty, so colossal a
Feat as the champion's who flew
From Brigue to Domodossola?

5, 1913.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

103

THE COSTUME-BALL MANIA.

(A Hint to the Impecunious.)
How MB. AND Mns. STOOTCT BBOWNB BAXCI ma CHANGES ON A N-CHI-DB ss AITD SUIT OP r j MS.

A LADY ASD GENTLEMAN OP MEDIEVAL TIMES.

BLUEBEARD AND SINDBAD THE SAILOB.

EASTEBN NUT AND PEIDE OF THE HABEM.

GREAT-GIUNDPAHEXTS.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FKBBUABT 5. 1913.

"LAUGHTER IN COURT."

Senior Counsel . "WHAT THR DICKENS AEE rou TWO FELLOWS ur TO?"

Junior. "WF.'BT! IN OLD DuAr.IE's COUBT TO-DAY.
AND SAVE FACIAL BTRAIJf."

BRILLIANT IDEA TO WEAR MASKS

LITERARY NOTES.

WE learn from the literary para-
graphor of 1'he Daily Chronicle that
Mrs. MAIIY GAUNT, who is shortly
starting for her travels in Chiia, has
hcon advised by her brother-in-law to
carry a revolver as a measure of self-
defence.

"The thought of that revolver es-
pecially how she is to manage it!
makes her a trifle nervous, as she
confessed the other evening at a fare-
well dinner which her publisher, Mr.
WERNER LAURIE, gave in her honour
at the Waldorf Hotel."

It is p!ea;aut to know that precau-
tions of tin's sort are not neglectr.d by
other literary Amazons and Strong
i, whose preservation from harm is

so enormously important to their pub-
lishers and readers alike.

Mrs. Dalcli tch Glurnme, who is shortly
about to start for New Guinea, was
entertained on Friday night by her
publishers, Messrs. Odder and Odder, at
a farewell dinner at the Fitz Hotel.
The length of her sojourn in the Island
of Mystery depends on the altitude ol
the anthropophagous tribes of the
interior as well as the advice of hei
uncle. Sir Hugo Glumme, the famous
big game hunter. Acting on his sug-
gestion she lias been taking lessons in
the use of the blow-pipe, and the onlj
contretemps which occurred to mar the
enjoyment of the gathering on Friday
was the inadvertent wounding of the
! elder Mr. Odder during a demonstration
! of her skill. Fortunately the dart was

not poisoned, and Mr. Odder was able
to render full justice to the exquisite
wines and liqueurs which graced tho
board.

Lady Gladys Strutt-Jenkinson left
on Saturday by tho Aurora from South-
ampton. This dauntless sportswoman,
as is well known, is proceeding to the
Solomon Islands to collect local colour
for her new didactic romance on tho
marriage laws, and a select company of
friends and admirers were invited to
meet her at a send-off banquet at the
Charlton on the previous evening by her
publisher, Mr. Goodleigh Champ. On
her former excursions, Lady Gladys has
relied solely on the power of her eye to
quell all resistance, whether on the part
of natives or wild animals, but on this
occasion she has yielded to the urgent
request of her publisher, and equipped
lerself with a battery of boomerangs.
\fter the dinner, Lady Gladys gave
an exhibition of her command of this
ilusivc weapon, in the course of which
she brought down Mr. Goodleigh
Uliamp, Mr. Tufton Hunter, and tho
lead-waiter, in three shots. As, how-
ever, the boomerangs employed were
richly padded no untoward conse-
quences resulted from the impact.

Mr. Bax Wimbledon, whose new
novel, Crcsta, Bobberlcy , will probably
appear in April, is one of those con-
scientious workers who never write on
any subject with which they are not
personally and intimately acquainted.
If, for example, his theme is Royalty,
10 makes a point of visiting a crowned
Liead. If it be winter sports, as in the
present case, he spends at least a week
it Montana, Adelboden, or some other
fashionable resort. Last week, he was
the principal guest at a brilliant supper
party at the Saveloy, given by his pub-
lisher and friend, Mr. Roland Stodger.
A charming feature of the evening's
entertainment was the descent of the
noble marble staircase, which had been
treated with a monster ice pudding,
by Mr. Bax Wimbledon on a silver tea-
tray. The masterly v/ay in which he
negotiated the corner before the last
flight is of the happiest augury for the
success of his new romance. It is
immensely reassuring to learn, however,
that, acting on the advice of his second
cousin. Professor Pyhus, the famous
Alpinist, Mr. Bax Wimbledon never
enters a bobsleigh without donning a
pneumatic suit, which renders the
wearer practically bump-proof.

" Mr. Borden spoke with an eloquence
which sprang from his deep-seated conviction
of the pnvve pass which we have reached,
basins his proposals upon tho significant
memorandum which the Almighty had pre-
pared at his request." Slonti'cctl tfaiettt.
Any request of Mr. BORDEN'S

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CIIATtlY ART. FKHIH-ARY 5, 1913.

A PLEASURE DEFERRED.

"YOU'VE CUT MY DANCE!" MR. ASQUITH. " YES, I KNOW. THE

THE M.C. OBJECTED TO THE PATTERN OF MY WAISTCOAT, AND I HAD TO
)ME AND CHANGE IT. BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT! LET ME PUT YOU DOWN
FOB AN EXTRA AT OUR PRIVATE SUBSCRIPTION DANCE NEXT SEASON!"

FKHRUARY 5, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

107

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

ExTiun i '.!> Hi'iM Tin: Pi MI Y OF Tonv, 51.1'.)

Home of Commons, Monday, Jiiiinni //
Ii. Tin- Lords were hit pretty hard
by Parliament Act. Not sure that, for
the moment, they do not even more
acutely feel snub lately administered.
Through Creator part of Session, en-
tirely throughout tho
'Winter sitting, they
have been set on ono
side whilst the Com-
mons manipulated tho
Homo Rule Hill. Un-
dignified position only
b -able in contempla-
tion of certainty that in
due time they would
have their turn, reassert-
ing ancient predomin-
ance of partnership.

This the long-looked-
for day. Home Rule
Bill came up for second
Heading. Full - dress
debate arranged with
pleased consciousness
that tho public would
gratefully turn atten-
tion from the Commons,
concentrating it on tho
Lords. And this is the
very day the Commons
select for crisis of their
own, involving dislo-
cation of sessional programme, not to
speak of danger to life of Government.
Thus it comes to pass that whilst the
House of Commons, seething with
excitement, is crowded from floor to
topmost bench of Strangers' Gallery,
the House of Lords, Cinderella of the
domestic establishment, sits apart
neglected, forgotten, engaged upon
drudgery of chewing over again the
thrice-boiled colewort of the Home
Rule controversy.

In accordance with his custom of an
afternoon, PRIME MINISTER conducted
on strictly business principles the
dili'minii in which House and Govern-
ment suddenly, unexpectedly, find
themsslve? engulfed. In Delphic
utterance the SPEAKEB last Thursday
indicated possibility of withdrawal of
franchise .Bill and introduction of new
measure if the Suffragists' amendments
standing on the Paper should be carried
in Committee. But he had not given
definite ruling, adopting for personal
guidance PREMIER'S famous axiom,
" \Vait and see." This an awkward
predicament, not only risking loss of
valuable time but investing debate with
air of unreality. PREMIER adjured
SPEAKER straightway to make more
precise declaration. SPEAKER kindly
obliged.

If, he said in effect, any one of the
' Suffragists' amendments were carried,
he should rule that this created necessity
for introduction of a new Bill.

Very well ; there an end of the
Franchise Bill, at least for this Session.
PREMIER moved that order for Com-
mittee stage be withdrawn. House
proceeded, as if nothing particular had

CINDERELLA.

happened, to consider Trade Unions
Bill on Report stage.

Business dom. Franchise Bill aban-
doned.

House of Lords, Tuesday. Yesterday
Lord CREWE moved Second Reading of
Home Rule Bill in spsech whose felici-
tous phrasing and freshness of treat-
ment of stale topic did not succeed in

It tens our old friend NAPOLEON B. HALDANE."

dispersing gloom that lay low over the
11 -srmbly. Duke of DEVONSHIRE, in per-
formance, as he said, of hereditary duty,
moved rejection of Bill. If you closed
your eyes and momentarily persuaded
yourself that you were twenty years
\ounger, you might have thought it
wa< the eighth Duke who was speaking.
Thig afternoon ST. ALHWYN, a planet in
theUnionist firmament,
takes up the wondrous
tale, devoting long and
weighty discourse to
what ho regards as " an
unworkable Bill, a
measure framed not to
work but to pass."

" Forty years ago,"
he said, "I was opposed
to Home Rule for Ire-
land, and I am equally
opposed to it to-day."

" There 's the man for
my money, such as it
amounts to," said tho
MEMBER FOR SARK, his
eyes gleaming with
pleasure as ho looked on
from tho pen gallery
above the Bar lavishly
set apart for accom-
modation of the Com-
mons. " Studying an
intricate question
through the changing
courses of forty years he
holds the same opinion as ho declared
when ISAAC BUTT first preached the
gospel of Home Rule in House of
Commons. That's what I call true
statesmanship. None of your living
from hand to mouth, indignantly
denounced by BONNER LAW fresh from
Ashton and Edinburgh."

As ST. ALDWYN developed his argu-
ment, leading up to this memorable
declaration, the wigged- and -gowned
figure on the Woolsack seemed to be
engaged in playing a game of Patience.
On liis spacious knees was spread a
heap of sheets of paper. Taking them
up one by one, he, after glancing over
contents, placed ono on bench to left of
him, another to the right. Hadn't quite
finished the game when ST. ALDWYN
resumed his seat. Thereupon, bundling
remainder of the cards off his knees,
he stepped two paces to left of Wool-
sack, and began to address the House.
Something familiar in the figure,
albeit disguised. Something recog-
nisable in the voice, though on lower
key, its utterance more deliberate, indi-
cating in subtle fashion consciousness
on part of speaker that he was in church.
Could it be possible ? Was it? No
yes. It was our old House of Com-
mons friend, NAPOLEON B. HALDANE.
But what transmogrification ! What

108

PUNCH, 'OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FKIUU-ARY 5, 1913.

strange- sea-change Buffeted since
ho was accustomed nightly to stand
ab Tublo in tho Commons and, to
the bewilderment of retired Colonels,
set squadrons of Territorials in the
field. One thinks regretfully of familiar
spectacle of his march up floor of
the House, with almost imperceptible
twitch of his left leg as of one accus-
tomed to have a sword swinging from
his belt. So complete was illusion
one almost fancied one heard the jingle
of spurs.

Hidden beneath silken folds of LORD
CHANCELLOR'S costly gown lurk the
manly limbs of former SECRETARY
OF STATE FOB WAR, the GARNOT-CUITI-
CABDWELL of the British Army. Van-
ished, doubtless flattened out, under
full-bottomed wig is tho famous lock
of hair that, curling over tho massive
brow, instantly recalled the personality
of another equally great and heaven-
born soldier.

Perturbed by discovery I did not
closely follow drift of reply to ST.
ALDWYN'S damaging criticism. Don't
doubt it was effective. Peace hath
her victories no less renowned than
\Yar. Personally I prefer dauntless N.
BONAPARTE H ALDAN F, in House of
Commons to a sleek LORD CHANCELLOR
in another place.

Business done. Second night of de-
bate on Home Rule Bill. In the
Commons Welsh Church Disestablish-
ment Bill passes Committee stage.

Thursday. An attractive feature
(sorely needed) in dull progress of
debate concluded to-night has been
presence of Peeresses. The patience
and coin-ago of the English lady in
circumstances of extreme depression
proudly light up some of the dark pages
of the story of the Indian Mutiny.
These qualities, in different degree and
of course in widely altered circum-
stances, displayed during progress of the
four nights' debate in House of Lords.
Impossible to imagine any fare less
attractive to female appetite than
rfchauffi; of arguments about Home
Mule drearily served up for months in the
House of Commons and, since GENERAL
CARSON, K.C.'s, expedition to Ulster,
filling the papers. But the Lords
having had the Bill delivered to them
solemnly decided to talk about; it for
four days before coming to foregone
conclusion in Division Lobby. To be
present at the debate was the thing.
The Peeresses, dressed all in their best,
did it with regularity and despatch, the !
latter tendency growing irresistible '
after the first nour's sufferance.

Pretty to see furtive way in which
about this period of the entertain-
ment ladies looked from right to loft
of panelled screen behind them to see

which doorway giving exit was the
nearer. Presently one by one they stole
forth with delightfully casual air, as if
they weie just going out to see if it were
raining and would be back directly.
They didn't come.

Is inn Pi:r.ES3Es

HOME RULE DEBATE.

Business done. Lord CREWE'S mo*
tion for Second Heading of Home Rule
Bill defeated by 326 votes against 69.
In bout limited to three rounds the first
is scored to the Lords.

IN MY ALBUM.

(Oirner's Preface.)
HERE, on the first white page

(With virgin pages blushing under-
neath

Waiting the wit and wisdom of the age,
Hoping, perhaps, to bear a floral
wreath

In water-colour art)
I stick these verses down to make a
start.

Here, as a sage has said,

"Thoughts that he wishes to be

thought to think "
A man may write ; and if, when I have

read

Your chaste effusions, they should
strike me pink,

I promise to refrain
From any comment which might cause
you pain.

Arise, dear friends, and shiiic!

Man's intellect is not exhausted yet,
As witness this accomplishment of mine.

Moreover (if the standard I have set

Appears unduly high),
Your best is all I ask for. Como and try.

THE GREAT CUP TIE.
(/>// our S2)ccial Financial Expert.)
FoBTT-PIYE thousand sporting en-
tluHia.sts gathered on the ground of the
Blacklon Cocks]mrs yesterday to view
the great cup tie with Upton United.
All felt it to be a tremendous occasion,
for the Cockspurs had bid no less than
1,000 to secure that the tie should be
played on their own ground. Great
anxiety was felt by the crowd as to
whether the speculation would pay.
When the news passed round that
already 1,250 had been taken at tho
gates loud cheers were raised. The
crowd recognised that a fine sporting
action had met with its proper reward.

At last the referee (2 2*. and inci-
dental expenses) appeared with the lines-
men (1 Is. and incidental expenses) in
the centre. Loud cries of " Mind you
treat the Cockspurs f air ! " and "Play the
game, referee!" greeted them, and the
oflicials bowed their acknowledgments.
In a minute the famous black-and-white
shirts (is. Gd. each) of the Blackton
Cockspurs were seen, and the vision of
the team (net cost, 12,000) sent the
crowd into raptures. First came Juhher
the ex-Kverton-Celtic-Biirnley- Villa
centre forward, specially purchased for
these cup-ties at the record price of
2,000. His face beamed with enthu-
siasm for the good old Coakspurs as
(for the first time) he took his place in
their team. Then came Dubbs, the
ex - Derby - Sunderland - Fulham out -iilc
left, with the consciousness of his 1,500
transfer fee on his face. Mugg, the
goalkeeper, who had been picked up at
an end of the season bargain sale for a
mere 500, crept towards his goal,
sensible of his social inferiority.

"6,000 worth of forwards," whis-
pered thecrowd. "They can't bo beaten."

Then Jubber (2,000) stepped forward
to toss with the rival captain (value
nil). He produced a coin (Id.) from
his pocket, and the referee (2 2s. and
incidental expenses) watched it as it
spun in the air.

" Jubber 's won," howled the crowd.
" Good old Jubber seven to four on
the Cockspurs ! "

The ball (IDs., including bladder-
strange that such mighty issues should
depend on so cheap an article) \vas
placed, and the mounted police (10-s. G<?.
each for afternoon) held themselves in
readiness to ride to the referee's protec-
tion, and the kick-off came.

A moment and Jubber had posses-
sion. 2,000 worth of centre forward
was sailing for the Upton goal when a
half-back (born in Upton no transfer
expenses, therefore) interposed and
kicked the ball up the field. Wild cries
of "Order him off!" and "Play the

ri-:in:r.\HY 5, 1913.]

, Oil Til!-: LONDON CHAKI V.\ I!I.

109

SIGNS ABE NOT WANTING THAT THE FORCE IS USIXO ALL IIS SUBTLETY TO COPE WITH THE PILLAB-BOX CUTBACKS.

game, referee!" filled the air. A cheap
Upton outside-left gathered the ball
and centred. It was scrimmaged past
tlio Ulackton goalkeeper amidst loud
shouts of " Offside ! " A brilliant charge
by the mounted police checked thecrowd
when the referee (2 2s. and expenses)
allowed the goal. Then everyone said,
" That 's the worst of these cheap goal-
keepers if they'd only paid 3,000
for Wiggins that would never have
happened." An impromptu -directors'
meeting was held on the stand, and
the secretary (500 per annum) was
instantly despatched with a blank
cheque to buy Wiggins.

In the meantime the 6,000 line of
forwards made ground, but, owing to
the unsportsmanlike conduct of tho

opposing halves, who charged without '
the least regard for monetary value, the
attack was beaten off. Jubber, the !
great Jubber, collapsed on the field. !
The trainer (5 per week) rushed out
with a brandy bottle (4s. 6d. net.), but
the fine fellow did not rise. He had
twisted his ankle (value 375). Ambu-
lance men (volunteers) bore him
solemnly from the field.

"Where's our dividend?" hissed a
shareholder (twenty 5 shares) from
the grand stand. " Kill that referee."

Things went from bad to worse.
Dubbs (the 1,500 full back) kicked the
ball through his own goal and in vain
j tho crowd appealed for offside. So the
game came to an end, though the chair-
man of the Blackton Cockspurs made

a desperate effort to save the situation
by lodging a protest against the state
of the ground (cost 10,000) as being
too dry to suit his team.

The crowd filed out with sorrowful
faces, though a few thousand sportsmen
stayed behind to conduct a referee-
hunt round the (4,500) pavilion.

" It's a sad day for Blackton sport,"
they sighed. " Why, if they 'd kept on
in the Cup they might have paid ten
per cent, this year."

" The fiict that tho bow of the Ulstennore
is pointing to one quarter of tho compass and
the stern to another is evidence of tho remark-
able effect of the wind and Mersey currents."
Belfast News-letter.

In the Thames on a calm day you never
get this remarkable effect.

110

PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FiuusuAitY 5, 1913.

PBIDE AND THE FALL.

[The baggage of Commercial Travellers is
. i-rptod t a reduced rate by the Hallway.
( oiniKUiios at thoir Left Luggage Offices.]

LONG ere he left his private school
And came to man's estate,

His father said, " He is no fool; "
His mother, " He is great."

But, when the Benchers screened his
name

And called him to the Bar.
Then to his parents he became

More wise and greater far.

They thought the world of him and,

lllO.'e.

Tlio things they thought they said ;
No wonder that the stripling wore
A slightly swollen head,

And made a fuss about his new

And rather costly kit,
Especially the hag of blue

In which he carried it.

Wlienas lie went the Circuit round
He shouldered it with pride,

Though, had he looked, he had not

found
A single brief inside.

He thought in his egregious way

That all who saw it had
A kind of awe, a^ who should say,

" A barrister, begad ! "

But Euston has an office where
Left goods are stored and pri/.ed,

And there he took the bag and there
Was disillusionized.

" Retain," said he, " this treasure,
please,

As safely as you can.
It is no commonplace valise."

" Commercial ? " said the man.

THIED-SINGLE COMBAT.

MIND you, I 'm not done yet ; I "11
have the laugh of Herbert Anthony or
perish.

Herbert Anthony has, I 'in certain,
grown grey in the service of the Under-
ground. Grey he undoubtedly is, hut
far from rusty. He has learnt how to
keep himself from that by processes
which I was to appreciate on the very
day of his arrival at the booking-office
of rny particular station.

Every evening as the clock strikes
live the pen falls from my nerveless
fingers and I hurry to this station and
hook to St. James' Park.

Herbert Anthony did not let the grass
grow under his feet. On Tuesday, the
night of his first appearance, I went to
the window and, tendering a few pence,
called, " James' Park."

" Saint James," replied Herbert A.,
and furnished me.

1 smiled; he smiled back ; we mutu-
ally recognised a twin spirit.

The subsequent daily engagements
can be chronicled briefly :
Wednesday.

T. "Saint James."

U. A. (laconically). "Park."

Thursdw/.

I (business-like). "!. 1'aik."
//. A. (griggishly). " Saint James, his
Park."

Friday,

I (cohlli/), " St. James."
H. A. (vulgarly). " St. Jas."
OH Saturday I came to a decision as
I walked to the station at one o'clock.
Since it is a point of honour that fresli
ground should be broken each time I
felt some confidence as I greeted him
warmly with "James."

Frigidly lie replied, " ' Herb.' to in-
timates ; ' Mr. Anthony ' to others."

Before these lines are in print I shall
have checkmated him. Let me outline
it. H. A. will see me coming from afar.
Through his window 1 shall note him
smirking, and with one word that itself
spells victory 1 shall smite him down.
"Victoria, " 1 shall say.

THE B1HTHDAY PRESENT.

" DOKS he smoke '.' "

"No."

"Drink?"

" No. \Vilfred has no vices."

" How boring of him ! Well, does he
play golf? You could get him a "

"Wilfred thinks games are a fright-
ful waste of time, besides being
childish and expensive. He says that
when we are married he hopes I'll
give up tennis and golf and all that
sort of thing, and go for ' good long
walks' with him instead."

" Shall you ? " Elsa asked cautiously.

" Oh, of course not ! But till we 're
married, anyway, it's no good giving
him games things, is it ? Think of |
something else, there's a dear."

" It 's not so easy," said Elsa, from
the depths of an enormous arm-chair.
" If he doesn't smoke or drink or
play games not even Auction? "

" No card games of any kind."

" Doesn't he ? Exemplary young
mail 1 Well bright idea why not get
him some ties ? "

" He only wears black ones," said
Caroline dolefully. " And black socks
always."

Elsa threw up her eyes. " Handker-
chiefs, then ? " she suggested.

"His mother's giving him those."

" H 'm. Is he fond of reading ? "

" Only SHAKSPEABE, and I gave him
that for Christmas."

" Music ? Perhaps he "

" I 'in afraid Wilfred doesn't care
for music."

A long pan so.

" I honestly can't think of anything
else," said Elsa at last. " I never knew
a man with so few pursuits or wants.
It's awfully splendid, of course," she
added hurriedly. Yet another pause.
" lie doesn't shoot or lish, I suppose '.' "

' Wilfred ? Good heavens, no ! Surely
you've read his pamphlet on ' Wanton
Butchery ' ? "

" 'Fraid not. Does he motor, though,
or ride? "

" Can't afford either."

Another pause, during which Elsa
poked the. lire with the tip of her shoe.

" Caroline," she said, when they had
sat in silence for at least two minutes,
1 want to ask you something, only
I'm afraid of making you angry."

" I shan't be, I promise. Don't mind
asking me anything. W hat is it ? "

" It 's " .

" Go on."

"It's," began Elsa, speaking rather
jerkily, "why did you get engaged
to Wilfred? I mean, what was the
attraction? "

" I was in love with him."

" Wax '! "

" Am, I mean."

Elsa began to feel extremely awk-
ward. " Oh, I see," she said lamely.

Another horrid long silence settled i
down between them, bristling with i
half-formed, unspoken sentences ; and
a curl of blue smoke rose up from
Elsa's shoe.

At last Caroline spoke. " I didn't
mean ' am,' " she said.

"Caroline! I knew you didn't. Why
on earth "

"I don't know. He was awfully
clever and good, you know and I i
was in love with him then 1 was,
really. Only

" How loiig did it last ? "

" For about three weeks after we were
engaged; and I still It kit him most
awfully, and respect him, and

" But think of spending the rest of
your life with him."

" Oh, I couldn't ! "

" Caroline," said Elsa solemnly, " I
think you must he mad."

"I know! I was! I iuu.r.1 have
been! " said Caroline wildly.

" What are you going to do then ? "

"1 shall write him an awfully nice
letter" they both began to lau^h
"and tell him I don't think we're really
suited to each other, and I don't feel I
should be acting fairly to either of us
in marrying him. And 1 '11 send him
back that horrid little gold brooch he
gave me for Christmas, and

" The very thing I " said Elsa ; " it '11
make a charming birthday surprise."

FEBRUARY 5, 1913.]

ri:XCI[, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ill

i.:

Coachman (confidentially, Ids mistress Jutviny dram Wank with four successive calls). "WE 'HE rs LUCK TO-DAY,

SUFFERING.

(On a recent Critical Pronouncement.}

" Tin: chief essential tliat our poets lack
Is suffering "a sweeping critic cries ;
I come to sqiiush this infamous attack;
Let me, I beg you, hit tliis person back ;
" Suffering," bless his eyes

Why, bards are born to suffer. Not a lyra

Was over kindled into laboured song
That did not speak of anguish long and diic,
So much there is to chill the poet's fire,
So many things go wrong.

The very feet whereby he seeks to climb,

(Ah, heav'n) like lead restrain him to the fkt;
As for the weary trafficking called rhyme,
I have not got the eloquence or time
To give my views on that.

And, when all's done, after the stress and strain,

To cast the fruits of one's perfected art
Forth to a mob who callously disdain
The treasures wrung from one's perspiring brain,
That's the most cutting part.

I could go on with this. I have a score

Of woes thai, cry for utterance. But a bard
Is horn to suffer, as 1 said before ;
And, when I hear that what he wants is more,
It come.s a trifle hard.

No. To requite the poet for his toils

Ho should recline among earth's choicest blooms;
His meek head should be laved in precious oils,
His garment woven of the costliest spoils
From oriental looms.

Slaves should attend him, at his slightest beck,
To bear him scented sherbet and rich cream;
Jewels should hang in clusters round his neck,
Nor any noise should enter there to check
The current of his dream.

That is the treatment. Not to carp or scoff,

Not to deny his load, but make it light ;
Why, now, a bard is rarely so well off
As to afford a motor even golf ;
I do not call that right.

And, which is worse, for lack of this refined

(Tho 1 simple) ease for which all poets yearn,
You cannot hope for song of highest kind :
As for myself, I often fesl inclined

To drop the whole concern. Dun-Dun.

From A Marriage of Inconvenience, by THOMAS Conn:
"Like Adda, lie had dark brown hair, with enormous black cjc-
brows, a moustaolio, and a short beard."

We always cut Adela's dance.

From a list of wedding presents in The Ecc sham -Journal:
" Mr. i Mrs. A. E. BakerCurate."

Bride (as she unpacks him). " My dear, that's the fifth.
Well, he '11 have to go with the others in the bos-room."

112

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 5, 1913.

THE FAMILY GROUP.

" YOUR views on politics," said Franccsca, " are not
unfamiliar to me. "What I should really liko to know is
whether you are coming to London with us to-morrow."

"To London?" I said. '"Us"? Who are the ' us 'I
mean which aro the wo who that is to say, who arc going
to London to-morrow, and why ? "

" I am going that 's one ; and Muriel is going that 's
two

" Those arc two," I murmured. She took no notice of
me.

"And Nina is going that's three; and Alice and
Frederick are going that 's five, and that 's the lot."

" And quite enough too," I said.

" No," she said ; " we want one more. Let us at once
settle the question of your coming to London."

" There is no question about it," I said. " It has long
since been settled."

" Of course," she said, " I know how it would be. When-
ever I plan some simple little pleasure or arrange some
little amusement in which we can all take part, you imme-
diately decide to keep out of it. You leave us to ourselves.
You follow your own selfish enjoyments, your bench of
magistrates, your writing, your shooting, your hunting,
and you never seem to think that we shall enjoy ourselves
better if you sometimes join with us. No, you just go on in
your "

" But, my dear Francesca "

" Not a word," she continued rapidly. " You can't put
forward a valid excuse, for there isn't one."

" Let me explain," I said.

" No," she said.

" Yes," I said, " I will explain. I insist upon it. When
I said that the question of my coming to London had been
settled long since, I meant, of course, that I had determined
to come with you, that wild horses should not keep me
from you, that with you I intended to affront the motor-
'buses of London Francesca, have you observed that there
are now no crossing-sweepers in London ? the motor-'buses
have driven them off the streets. The last one retired a
fortnight ago. Ho wore a red coat and had only one arm
Where was I? Oh, yes I mean to go to London with
you. But why do you not flush with joy ? Why do you
not fall round my neck, or rather fall down on your knees
and ask my pardon for having failed to appreciate me
properly? Francesca, you do not seem duly gratified by
my decision."

" Oh, yes," she said hesitatingly, " I am. I really am
delighted to know you 're coming. How could I be other-
wise ? "

" That 's better," I said. " I was beginning to be half
afraid that my desire to join your little party had how
shall I put it ? howled over your apple-cart and knocked
you off your perch."

" The confusion of your metaphors terrifies me," she
said. " But are you sure you know why we are going to
London ? "

"Sure?" I said. "Of course I am. You, Francesca,
are going to shop. The three girls will take lessons in
shopping from observing you. Frederick and I shall stay
outside. We shall endeavour to keep our tempers, but, of
course, you never can be sure. Men are so unreasonable."

" You are quite wrong," she said.

" No, no," I said, " they are unreasonable. I have often
heard you say so."

" I was not referring," she said, " to the unreason of men.
You have guessed wrong. We do not propose to shop.
We are going to be photographed."

" Impossible !" I shrieked. " Anything but that ! Buy
yourself a dozen new hats, a diamond necklace, ten ball-
dresses, a toilet-set in gold hut don't, don't get photo-
graphed. Was that the simple little pleasure you had
planned ? "

" A family group," she said inexorably.

" What ! All my pretty chickens and their dam in one
fell group 1 Franccsca, did you know a hen could bo a dam ?
If you didn't you have read your SHAKSIT.ARE in vain."

" It is useless," she said, " to entangle ourselves in
SHAKSPKARE. The group 's the thing."

" But why ? " I said. " Who wants family groups ? "

" I am having it done," she said, " chiefly for Mamma.
It will give her great pleasure."

" That lets me out," I said. " Francesca, your mother
would resent my presence in a family group. She is an
admirable woman, but she has never realised my signifi-
cance. When she thinks of the family she thinks of you
and the children. She would hate to be reminded that the
children have a father or that you have a husband no,
I do not mean that. You must forgive me, but your
announcement has thoroughly unmanned me."

" You haven't had one done for a long time."

" I cannot face the critical eye of the photographer. All
photographers have been scornful of my nose or my chin
or my hair. They have never said so, but I have felt it,
and I have shrivelled up in consequence. As you value
my self-respect, Francesca, do not take me to the photo-
grapher."

" I think," she said, " you had better make an- effort and
come."

" I shall spoil the group," I said. " I am the worst
group-spoiler in England."

" You needn't get photographed unless you like," she
said. " You can help in keeping the children cheerful."
E. C. L.

IN THE BEGINNING.

[" Salmon fishing has now commenced on many Northern rivers."

Daily Paper.]

ERE the season turns and the crocus burns

Her torch at the flame of Spring,
We dream of lines of muttering pines

On banks that roar and ring ;
And wild and black of a foam-flecked wrack

That the sea-run salmon knows,
Who has won his girth and his warrior worth

Where the humpback whale-school blows !

The stream runs deep and the hill-showers sweep,

And the tops in white are tricked ;
His scales they shine of the ice-cold brine

And his tail is tide-lice ticked ;
And I would wish for a big cock fish

And a combat fast and grim,
And for half-an-hour of his fighting power

And the rod that 's bent in him !

Now whether we reach his ringing beach

And look on his burnished mail,
When it 's give and take till the surface break

In the swirls of a huge spent tail,
Till he bulks and rolls where the shingle shoals,

The gods themselves may know,
But by every god of a reel or rod,

At least we have dreamt it so 1

At Last !

' DEPARTURE OF GENERAL JUSTOFP." Westminster Gazette.

FEBRUARY 5, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAK1VARI.

113

OiKltcr of newly-purchased and somewhat worn Uuntcr (to chauffeur whom he finds inspecting him). " WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OP
HIM?"

Chauffeur (modestly). " WELL, SIR, I DOS'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THEM THINGS, BUT IT APPEARS TO ME AS 'ow THAT 'a ITS DEBT

LEO."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
XUUOOY admires the art or the sincerity of Mr. HENBY
ARTHUR JONES more than I do. I still remember with
gratitude the evening when a performance of The Masquer-
atlurs by a touring company made so strong an impression
upon a susceptible schoolboy that he left the theatre deter-
mined to live a nobler life, and one devoted to the com position
of plays as much like that masterpiece as possible. But in
spite of this I cannot but think that a shorter volume than
Tlie Foundations of a National Drama (CHAPMAN AND HALL)
would have served its author's purpose better. Several of
the papers it contains, written at various dates from 1896
onwards, have now only an archaeological appeal. The
English Drama has done considerable hustling in the past
seventeen years, and meditations upon its progress are apt
quickly to become out of date. Clearly Mr. JONES antici-
pated that objection, from the not quite easy tone of bis
<\ To me the most interesting things in the book
are the review of " The Drama in the English Provinces "
(first published in 1901, and here contrasted witli a paper
on the same subject in 1912), and three papers on the
cen iv ship, in which the case for its abolition is put forward
vyiih a great deal of vigour. To those who cannot find
tune lor the whole of this massive volume I would oiler
Hie advice that they should conlino themselves to the
portions I have mentioned, and to the Preface, of which

the personal note promises to arouse attention and perhaps
controversy. I hope it will.

In his scholarly introduction to The Windliam Papers
(JENKINS) Lord KOSEBERY follows MACAULAY'S lead in
describing WINDHAM as the finest English gentleman of his
day and perhaps of all time. That, I think, is overdoing it.
For, to take one little test-case, surely the finest English
gentleman that ever was would have been able to appreciate
The Vicar of Wakejield, which WINDHAM did not. Then
again he looked upon WARREN HASTINGS, when lie was
assisting in his impeachment, as the vilest of criminals, and
in the House of Commons objected with some bitterness to
the proposed bestowal of funeral honours on PITT. In each
of these cases he sesms to me to have gone rather near hittirg
a man when be was down, which may be gentlemanly
but is not commonly supposed to be English. On the
other band, ho M'as swished, as an Eton boy, for going
out of bounds; he was a very bad man of business I like
him for that ; and everybody loved him. And they loved
him for himself, and not only because he was a brilliant
writer and scholar, and the most fascinating talker cf bis
time. He was tlie friend, and in many respects the equal,
of nearly all the great men of the exciting days in which he
lived, and bis letters from and to PITT, Fox, BURKE,
CANNING, NELSON, COBBETT, Dr. JOHNSON and the rest,
certainly show him in a very agreeable light as a most
attractive personality. Altogether, for their personal as

li!

PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON CIIAKIVAIU. [FEBRUARY 5, 1913.

well as their historical inl-.-ivsl, we ougbl to he grateful to
the anonymous editor for having dug the;e papt-rs and
letters out of tlie British Mineum and els -where. .But he
nii^lit with advantage have left some of them out -for the
book is too long and substituted something more solid in

the way of a connecting narrative,
history with remarkable ease.

our

For most of us forget
Did you know, for

'-'** i*^"-*-"-J "- " if * * l C

instance, that WINDHAM was a member of (lie Ministry Of
All the Talents, or that lie was a supporter of boll-baiting ?
Jc in' en doitlf.

In The Terrors and Other Stories (

Mr. Ancm-

BALD MARSHALL has gathered the pick of the short stories
wiitten by him during the past sixteen years. I may say
at once that the collection is a most agreeable one. Those
renders who have enjoyed Exlon Manor, The Squire's,
Daughter and Tlic Eldest Son, and have liked their MAR-
SHALL on the broad ground of his novels, will like him no
less in the best (and they are many) of these stories. No
Marshallite if I ma be forgiven the expression who

expects the usual pleasant ingredients will be disappointed.

He will find the old and
stately country house,
the clipped yew hedges,
the rose - gardens, the
terraces, together with
the delightful girls (a
particular speciality of
Mr. MARSHALL'S), the
shrewd old lady and the
acid one, the precociously
clever and observant
child-woman, the spruce
but manly youth, and
the general atmosphere
of calm and immemorial
comfort. Here and there
an American girl crops
up, and it is plain that
this variety is a favourite
with Mr. MARSHALL, for
he takes care that she
shall do no discredit to
her patrician surroundings ;
she shall come out on top.

THK WORLD'S WORKERS.

AltTIST TO A JTRM OF COXFECTIOXEHS PAIXTIXO BULL'S - EYES FliOM THE
LIVING MODKL'. > '

" a powerful streak of red" in his veins, came, it is true, from
a curious stock, but even when every allowance has been
made for him I find it impossible to understand how he
could attract a woman of such natural refinement as Lady
Carfax. Doubtless Miss DKLL has tried to give him some
magnetic quality in compensation for his "streak," but it is
astonishing that the author should so far tolerate or over-
look the impossibility of his manners as to suffer him to
bo adored by so gentle a heroine. The only character to
whom he showed a true deference was his invalid half-
brother Lucas, and in the scenes between these two we are
given some most admirable pieces of writing.

I AM never quite certain whether I best like " M. E.
FKANCIS" in her Dorset or in her Lancashire mood-
Hesitatingly I decide for the latter, perhaps from personal
reasons, perhaps only because I have just finished Our
Alii/ (Loxo), a tale of rural Lancashire, which strikes me
as exhibiting Mrs. BLUNDELL-'S art at its very good best.
The construction of it is simplicity itself, for its whole
matter is the wooing of a country heroine by two contrasted

suitors, a Territorial
officer-boy and a young
farmer. But the three
of them are so well and
delicately drawn, the
girl especially, that the
course of her love holds
you like a history of high
adventure and romance.
And in the middle to
the astonishment per-
haps of readers who may
not remember that its
author has already proved
her power of drama
upon the actual stage
it suddenly quickens
to a scene of breathless
give-and-take that would
make its fortune as a
play. Of the setting I
do not speak in detail,
already the charm of Mrs.
It may bo, however,

must know

indeed he see^ to it that ! because you
The whole dish is served ! BLUNDELI/S rustic pen-pictures.

up with a seasoning of acute observation and quiet humour j that you hardly supposed the country within a few miles of

Except ! Liverpool likely to yield any special beauties of description.

it very agreeable to
a very early one, Mr.

the palate.
MARSHALL dors

which makes

in one story,

set out to make

well contrived, are amiable rather than terrific, and he ' to have been brought up, like myself, by a nurse whose

knows exactly how to carry his reader along with him to native tongue it was, so that such phrases as "to be kept

the end of the tale. I select " A Son of Service" as proving, agate siding after him " have the charm of early association.

not I In that case all I say is, " Do but read." As for the speech
your flesh creep. His crises, though ! of the characters, to taste its full flavour you may require

if any proof were needed, that he lias a special gift for
writing a powerful story of striking human interest without
losing his amenity.

The Knave of Diamonds (FISHER UNWIN) may well
appeal to those who either shun or shudder over the
rampantly popular fiction of the day. If Miss EDITH DKLL
does not possess the higher literary graces, nobody can
read this book without recognizing that she has a very apt
turn for natural dialogue, that she knows how to create a
poignant situation, and that her sense of pathos never
descends into the glutinous depths of maudlin sentimentality.
Where she fails is in her tendency to exaggeration in the
drawing of character (her squire would have been more
convincing if he had been less wildly bestial), and in her
inability to recognise that her hero is, when all is said and
done, a very perfect bounder. Nfqi Krrol, an American with

But you need no special upbringing to find pleasure in a
story so engaging and so well told.

French Sayings of the Week.

" ' Dion ot mon Uroit ' ' God and My Country ' the royal motto
of England." OriUia Weekly Times.

"When the British Bill o 1832 was passed, Washington the
hero of Waterloo exclaimed in the House of Lords, ' We mu-t
educate our Masters.' " Wtatmoimt News.

Waterloo was the only subject upon which WASHINGTON
and WILLIAM ADAMS were not quite truthful.

" Considering how rare the 'Tulsin' is, I thought I might shoot
one of these, and I fired, killing the largest. "fSlaclncood'* Magazine.

He'll learn 'em to be rare!

FKBHUARY 12, 1913.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

115

CHARIVARIA.

IN connection with Scotland's refusal

1 to meet Franco at Rugby football, as

the result of the violence 1 of the French

crowd, fair-minded people are pointing

out (hat it should ho remembered that

Scotland has for years made a practice

! of allowing the bag-pipes to ho played

.hiring international mafdies at Invi-r-

loith. * :;:

Tho young man who [is alleged to

have threatened to shoot a popular

-.s, unless he were paid 1,000, is

also stated to have demanded 400 on

similar conditions from the KING.

Nothing but genuine loyalty could have

ed this sensational reduction in

ti nns. ... ...

Speaking at Regent's Park Chapel on

Sunday, the Rev. F. 13. MEYER alluded

to the possibility of his being described

as a kill-joy. How he gets these bizarre

ins we cannot understand.

A marked copy of the February
number of The Birmingham Diocesan
Mafja~inc, containing Dr. RUSSELL
WAKKFIELD'S strong remarks on Lenten
fasting, has been sent to the Crypto-
procta Ferox at the Zoo. This peckish
animal cats one hundred and ninety-
two pounds of food daily, in addition to
of the woodwork and all the
paint of his cage; and it is hoped that
during Lent he maybe induced at least
to swear off paint.

Three young gentlemen of the Bowery
have got themselves into trouble in New
York by shooting a man they were not
liiivd to shoot. This kind of gratuitous
outrage is always sternly repressed by
Xew York police.

According to a men's fashion paper,
Spring socks will bo black and Spring
ties a quiet blue. A strike of nuts is
expected at any moment.

Little Hints for Everyday Life :
No. 1. Do not whistle "'Everybody 's
Doing It " as you pass the Reform
Club. The Committee dislike it.

Net content with their recent post-
ponements, the Government has de-
cided to shelve the Bee Disease Bill
until next session. The sticky sub-
stance recently found in a pillar-box
" not a hundred miles from " Downing
Street is said to have been honey.

* ':-

:':

The Mr. GEORGE 'to whom The Daily
Telegraph alludes as a " force to be
reckoned with in fiction " is not the
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.

CONFIDENCES.

Site. "Winr, IIEB AND ME WEUE THE BEST OF FRIENDS BEFOHE HIM AND HEE MET. O?

COURSE, THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND I."

Tracking him by his teeth-mai'ks in
the butter, which ho had apparently
eaten neat in large motithfuls, the
French police captured a burglar the
morning after he had broken into a
house. On being arrested, he denied
the charge and said : " I don't like
butter." At the moment we should
imagine this to be the troth.

The management of the Garrick
Theatre insist on money down from
those who wish to sea Trust the People.

'.. -ii

It is not stated whether the thumb
which Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has injured
is the one under which he has been
keeping his colleagues of the Cabinet.

-.;: *

:|:

Mr. Fir-soN YOUNG'S remark that
" one is inclined to think of the Courts

of Justice as a species of gold mine for
those professionally engaged in their
precincts " seems curiously apposite.
Only last week a pickpocket relieved a
spectator at Bow Street of his watch
and purse. ... ...

Real rain is to be a feature of n
forthcoming play. Nervous playgoer
are hoping that the REINHARDT craze
will not cause it to enter from the
auditorium. ... .,.

One orange a week is to be given to
each child in the Lambeth Guardians'
schools at Norwood as a preventive
against influenza. All we can say is
that, if the influenza germ is to be
intimidated by one orange a week, it
has sadly lost its pluck since we lust
met it.

i : . CXI.IV.

116

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 12, 1913.

WINTER SPORT.

II. THE OPENING RUN.

WITH a great effort Simpson strapped
his foot securely into a ski and turned
doubtfully to Thomas.

" Thomas," he said, " how do you
know which foot is which ? "

"It depends whose," said Thomas.
Ho was busy tying a largo rucksack
of lunch on to himself, and was in no
mood for Samuel's ball-room chatter.

" You 've got one ski on one foot," I
said. " Then the other ski goes on the
foot you've got over. I should have
thought you would have seen that."

" But I may have put the first one
on wrong."

" You ought to know, after all these
years, that you are certain to have
done so," I said severely. Having had
my own hired skis fixed on by the con-
cierge I felt rather superior. Simpson,
having bought his in London, was re-
garded darkly by that gentleman, and
left to his own devices.

" Are we all ready? " asked Myra,\vho
had kept us waiting for twenty minutes.
"Archie, what about Dahlia? "

" Dahlia will join us at lunch. She
is expecting a letter from Peter by the
twelve o'clock post and refuses to start
without it. Also she doesn't think she
is up to ski-ing just yet. Also she
wants to have a heart-to-heart talk
with the girl in red, and break it to her
that Thomas is engaged to several
people in London already."

" Come on," growled Thomas, and
he led the way up the hill. We
followed him in single file.

It was a day of colour, straight from
Heaven. On either side the dazzling
whiteness of the snow ; above, the deep
blue of the sky; in front of me the
glorious apricot of Simpson's winter
suiting. London seemed a hundred
years away. It was impossible to
work up the least interest in the Home
Rule Bill, the Billiard Tournament or
the state of St. Paul's Cathedral.

" I feel extremely picturesque," said
Archie. "If only we had a wolf or
two after us, the illusion would be
complete. The Boy Trappers, or Half-
Hours among the Eocky Mountains."

" It is a pleasant thought, Archie,"
I said, " that in any wolf trouble the
bachelors of the party would have to
sacrifice themselves for us. Myra, dear,
the loss of Samuel in such circum-
stances would draw us very close
together. There might be a loss of
Thomas too, perhaps for if there was
not enough of Simpson to go round, if
there was a hungry wolf left over,
would Thomas hesitate ? "

" No," said Thomas, " I should run
like a hare."

Simpson said nothing. His faco I
could not see; but his back looked
exactly like the back of a man who
was trying to look as if he had
been brought up on skis from a baby
and was now taking a small party of
enthusiastic novices out for their first
lesson.

" What an awful shock it would be,"
I said, "if we found that Samuel really
did know something about it after all ;
and, while we were tumbling about
anyhow, he sailed gracefully down the
steepest slopes. I should go straight
back to Cricklewood."

My dear chap, I 've read a lot
about it."

" Then we 're quite safe."

" With all his faults," said Archie,

and they are many Samuel is a

gentleman. He would never take an

unfair advantage of us. Hallo, here

wo are."

We left the road and made our way
across the snow to a little wooden hut
which Archie had noticed the day before.
Here we were to meet Dahlia for lunch ;
and here, accordingly, we left the ruck-
sack and such garments as the heat of
the sun suggested. Then, at the top
of a long snow-slope, steep at first,
more gentle later, we stood and won-
dered.

' Who 's going first ? " said Archie.

' What do you do ? " asked Myra.

1 You don't. It does it for you."

' But how do you stop ? "

'Don't bother about that, dear," I
said. " That will be arranged for you all
right. Take two steps to the brink of
the hill and pick yourself up at the
bottom. Now then, Simpson ! Be a

man. The lady waits, Samuel. The

Hallo ! Hi ! Help 1 " I cried, as I began
to move off slowly. It was too late to
do anything about it. " Good-bye," I
called. And then things moved more
quickly . . .

Very quickly .

Suddenly there came a moment when
I realised that I wasn't keeping up with
my feet . . .

I shouted to my skis to stop. It
was no good. They went on ...

I decided to stop without them . . .

The ensuing second went by too
swiftly for me to understand rightly
what happened. I fancy that, rising
from my sitting position and travelling
easily on my head, I caught my skis
up again and passed them . . .

Then it was then: turn. They over-
took me . . .

But I was not to be beaten. Once
more I obtained the lead. This time I
took the inside berth, and kept it ...

There seemed to be a lot more snow
than I wanted ... I struggled bravely
with it .

And then the earthquake ceased, and
suddenly I was in the outer air. My
first ski-run, the most glorious run of
modern times, was over.

" Eipping ! " I shouted up the hill to
them. " But there 's rather a Tiasty
bump at the bottom," I added kindly,
as I set myself to the impossible busi-
ness of getting up ...

" Jove," said Archie, coming to rest a
few yards off, " that's splendid." He had
fallen in a less striking way than myself,
and he got to his feet without difficulty.
" Why do you pose like that ? " he
asked, as he picked up his stick.

"I'm a fixture," I announced.
" Myra," I said, as she turned a somer-
sault and arrived beaming at my side,
" I 'm here for some time ; you '11
have to come out every morning with
crumbs for me. In the afternoon you
can bring a cheering book and read
aloud to your husband. Sometimes I
shall dictate little things to you. They
will not be my best little things ; for
this position, with my feet so much
higher than my head, is not the one in
which inspiration comes to me most
readily. The flow of blood to the brain
impairs reflection. But no matter."

"Are you really stuck?" asked Myra
in some anxiety. " I should hate to
have a husband who lived by himself
in the snow," she said thoughtfully.

" Let us look on the bright side,"
said Archie. " The snow will have
melted by April, and he will then be
able to return to you. Hallo, here's
Thomas. Thomas will probably have
some clever idea for restoring the family
credit."

Thomas got up in a businesslike
manner and climbed slowly back to us.

"Thomas," I said, "you see the
position. Indeed," I added, " it is
obvious. None of the people round me
seems inclined or, it may be, able to
help. There is a feeling that if Myra
lives in the hotel alone while I remain
here possibly till April people will
talk. You know how ready they are.
There is also the fact that I have only
hired the skis for three weeks. Also a
minor point, but one that touches me
rather that I shall want my hair cut
long before March is out. Thomas,
imagine me to be a torpedo-destroyer
on the Maplin Sands, and tell mo what
on earth to do."

" Take your skis off."

"Oh, brilliant!" said Myra.

"Take my skis off?" I cried.
" Never ! Is it not my duty to be the
last to leave my skis ? Can I aban-
don Hallo, is that Dahlia on the

sky-line? Hooray, lunch! Archie,
take my skis off, there 's a good fellow.
We mustn't keep Dahlia waiting."

A. A. M.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 12, 1913.

THE FINISHING TOUCH.

LONDON (to County Councillor}. " WHAT AEE YOU UP TO, BLOCKING THE VIEW ? "

COUNTY COUNCILLOR. "OH, JUST IMPKOYING THINGS. ' AES EST CELAEE AETEM' YOU
KNOW."

M, [W i^ av n to ' hai1 ^ tho " Im P r ments" Committee of the L.C.C. for threatening to spoil the scheme of tho OUEES VICTOEIA
onal by allowing the prospect of tho Admiralty Arch to be obstructed by a building at the Eastern end.]

FEBBUAHY 12, 1913.] PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

A VENDETTA? NOT AT ALL. GIUSEPPE AND LUIGI ABE ENGAGED IN THE MORNING CONFLICT WITH THEIR MASTER'S WINDOW.

REFLECTED GLORY.

[Among the newspaper illustrations of a recent sensational elopement was a photograph of the sleeping baby of the chicken-farmer with .
whom tho fugitives lodged, and also that of a fellow-pupil whose apparent share in the " romance" was that he identified a signature.]

THIS is the Shelter that Blank took.

This is the Farmer and also his Wife
Who unwittingly shielded the Double Life
That went on in the Shelter that Blank took.

This is the Innocent Infant Son
Who crowed like the Fowls in the Poultry Eun,
That belonged to the Farmer and, may be, his wife
Who guilelessly aided the Duplicate Life

That was lived in the Lodging that Blank took.

This is the Pupil who worked at the Place,
Where a sleuth of a Pressman snapped his Face
To balance the view of the Infant Son
Whose title to fame was the Poultry Run
That belonged to the Farmer and (doubtless) his Wife
Who blissfully sheltered the Double Life
Of the Pair in the Refuge that Blank took.

This is the Butcher who brought round the Meat

At irregular times to the Sussex Retreat

Of the blameless Pupil who toiled at the Place,

Where the Camera-fiend took a map of his Face,

To match the irrelevant Infant Son,

Too young to assist in the Poultry Run

That supported the Farmer and Farmer's Wife

Who never suspected the Double Life

That was led in the Shelter that Blank took.

This is the Pub where the Butcher would call
It has nothing to do with the Scandal at all,
Unless it delayed him in bringing the Meat
At any odd time to this rural Retreat,
To sustain the Pupil who lodged at the Place
Where the journalist's Kodak has captured his Face,
To fill up the page where the Infant Son
Lies asleep in his pram near the Chicken Run,
Where the Farmer and also his worthy Wife
Unconsciously beamed on the Twofold Life
That went on in the Refuge that Blank took.

This is the Public that eagerly gapes

At squalid " emotional " dramas and scrapes,

And must see the Pub where the Butcher would call

(Yes, I too confess that I 've read through it all !),

On his devious way to deliver the Meat

That the Lodgers devoured in this sylvan Retreat,

Including the Pupil who, right at the Place,

Is rendered immortal through lending his Face

As a foil to the slumbering Infant Son

Who 's the hero, it seems, of the Chicken Run

That is owned by the Farmer along with his

Wife-
See their portraits, a little fed up with the Life
That was spent in the Shelter that Blank took.

ZIQ-ZAG.

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEPMTABY 12, 1913.

AT THE PLAY.

"THE Sox AND Hiau."

'Miss GLADYS UNGKU'S play Ir.n the
misfortune to challenge comparisons
(rather odious for her) with Mr. G.-M..V
WORTHY'S recent production, The Eldest
Son, a work of so pure an excellence
that its failure WHS foredoomed. Mr.
(i UNWORTHY presented to us, in an
atmosphere of ama/ing reality, a very
delicate problem which might any day
he set for solution. I don't know what
experience Miss GLADYS l r NCiEu(U.S. A.)
may have had of English country houses,
but she starts out with a prejudice
against our system of primogeniture,
and goes on to manufacture a story
to suit her case a story savouring
strongly of novels and the stage.

Happily for us (for things might
have been worse) the spoilt youth of
the title, an unmannerly boor, incredible
as a product of Oxford, disappeared
ourly from the scene, and we were left
to witness the brutality of his father
towards those other members of his
family who, through difference of sex or
age, did not happen to be his eldest son.
At 7 I'..M. he was in his study thrashing
his younger son for a slight ineptitude in
the hunting-field. At midnight he was
in his eldest daughter's room, trying his
best to throttle her because she differed
from him as to her duty towards the
boast of a husband whom ho had
forced her to marry. Meanwhile, in
the intervals snatched from devoted
attendance on an injured mare, ho had
arranged, as a matter of by-play, to
blast the hopes of his younger daughter
and her lover, thus achieving the first
stage of the treatment which had ruined
his other girl's life. Not a bad evening's
work for a typical English squire.

lie took it easily, however, as to the
manner born. The real brunt fell
upon his married daughter (Miss ETHEL
IRVING), who had to entertain no fewer
than four midnight visitors in her
bedroom : (1) her lover, who arranged
to fly with her immediately after break-
fast ; (2) her young sister, whoso tale
of woe she had to hear ; (3) her father,
who, as I said, tried to throttle her ;
(4) a French guest, who heard her
screams, and came from his neigh-
bouring room in a dressing-gown to
the rescue.

The last Act shows some ingenuity.
The Squire has thought things over in
the few remaining watches of the night,
and announces at the breakfast-table that
he consents to his younger daughter's
engagement. This disarms the other,
who cancels her arrangements to elope
and determines to "play the game," in
the hope that an appeased Providence
may intervene on her behalf later on.

It was all over and settled with the
greatest promptitude, and in face of
grave difficulties presented by the scene.
For the huge breakfast table took up
nearly all the stage, leaving hardly any
room' for the drama in which at least
four souls were intimately concerned.
And Miss ETHICL LIVING'S hat, built on
the lines of a hussar's head-gear, and
tilted rakishly over one eye, did not
lend itself to sacrificial tragedy.

Comparisons between The. Son and
Heir and The, Eldest Son were painfully
emphasised by the fact that Mr. EDMUND
MAI/IUCK played the Squire in both.

Pascoe Taiidridge (Mr. NORMAN TUKVOB)
to Felix Fount (Mr. RAYMOND LAUZERTE).
' ' Congratulate me, my dear fellow ; my elope-
ment is off. We are 'playing the game 1 a
habit peculiar to the race whose institutions
you are here to study."

After the fine justice which he did (and
no one else could have done it so well)
to the subtleties of Mr. GALSWORTHY'S
portrait, it was sad to see him called
upon to play the part of a mere brow-
beating family tyrant ; yet somehow he
contrived to make his distinction of
manner shine through it all. I badly
missed the exquisite grace of Miss
IUENE EOOKE as the chatelaine of the
earlier play. I don't know whether Miss
CYNTHIA BROOKE was following the
author's instructions when she bowed
to one of her guests at their first meet-
ing after his arrival. But I beg her
very earnestly, if she wants us to believe
that she is really the hostess (however
crushed) of an English country house,
to shake hands with him at once.

Miss ETHEL IRVING cannot, of course,
help being her charming self, and Mr.

' HAYMOND LAUZERTK, as Felix Foitric,
a French guest who had come to take
notes of British social manners, was a

I great success. In old days the stage
Frenchman was a butt ; hero he is
allowed to ridicule our national foibles.
I cannot say that all of his criticisms
were peculiarly illuminating, but they
were made with admirablogood-humour.
I hope I have not been unfair to Miss
UNGKU. But she can well afford me
my protests, for her play seems to have
had an enthusiastic reception 011 the
First Night. And the other day I saw
as many as two pictures of her on a
single page of a photographic weekly.

" TRUST THE PEOPLE."

Things had been going pretty well
so far with John Greemrood. Risen
from the People (Lancashire, of course,
for this is. Mr. STANLEY HOCGHTON'S
play), he had entered Parliament, be-
came engaged to the daughter of a Tory-
Marquis, and only a week ago been
appointed President of the Board of
Labour with a seat in the Cabinet
(Radical). It was at this point that
Nemesis of the halting foot came in.
To Captain Fclton, who had a soldierly
eye for tactics, it seemed as good a
moment as any for citing Greenwood
as a co-respondent. To offer marriage
to his late mistress (who declines it)
is the work of a moment ; to release
his betrothed is another simple matter.
But how will the scandal affect our hero's
Parliamentary career ? That is a larger
question. Rumour is already busy in the
Clubs (Reform and others) and, as usual
in these cases, the Prime Minister and
the Chief Whip pay a morning call
upon the delinquent. Guardian of the
Nonconformist conscience, the head of
the Cabinet is perfectly cynical about
the immorality of Greemrood' s conduct,
but has to consider the Party's welfare.
Was it not a caso for hush-money ?
What were the Party funds for except
to be used for the good of the Party V

But Greenwood will not hear of
blackmail. He will throw himself upon
the People. He will resign his seat,
make a clean breast of things, and stand
again for Blackshaw, his birthplace.
After all, what has a man's private life
got to do with his political position ?
The People might be depended upon
to understand all that. " Trust the
People ! " had always been his motto.

The close of the First Act, which ran
very smoothly in a pleasant vein of
humour, gave promise of interesting
developments along the lines of comedy
for those of us who had not detected
a sinister note of melodrama in the
attitude of Lord Chcadlc, ex-father-in-
law-elect of the President of the Board
of Labour. The stage must be all

FEBRUARY 12, 1913.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

121

[" Most o the bottor-class doctors have accepted Mr. LLOYD GEOBGE'S proposals." Radical Press.]
Butler. "LADY JULIA GODOLPHIN WISHES TO SEB YOU, Bra, VEBY URGENT." Doctor. "Pui HER IK THE QUEUE!"

things to all people, and as a set-off
to tho ridicule of a Radical Cabinet,
\ve wanted a wicked Marquis on the
othe:side. And so tho first incredible
thing happens when Lord Cfieadle puts
up his younger son, Lord Richard
\iirtlicHdcn, to oppose his daughter's
lover at the by-election. After this
\vo might well be prepared for any
length of farce, even for the forged
telegram which the Marquis sends in
(Greenwood's name to the respondent,
urging her to come and stay at the
Candidate's hotel in Blatkshaw.

But the result of the election still
intrigued us.' On the one hand, the
title, in which no irony was suspected,
led us to suppose that Greenwood would
he justified of his Trust in the People.
On tho other hand tho Puritanical type
with which Mr. HOUOHTON had made
us familiar in Hindle Wakes discouraged
the idea that Lancashire would
overlook immorality in one of its Par-
liamentary representatives. In the
end Greenwood is beaten. Violently
disillusioned, he delivers an impossible
speech to the howling mob outside the
Town Hall. Instead of protesting his j

MORE LANCASHIRE "WAKES."

Trust -tlit -People Greenwood (Mr. Boin-
CHIKK) addresses the enlightened electorate of
Kliickshaw.

innocence of any wrong done to the
electors, ho taunts them with hypocrisy
in taking seriously an episode of the
kind which they had always been in
the habit of grinning at.

After all this the play was past
acceptance as a comedy of life, though
large amends were made with the
genre interior of the last Act, which
showed us Greenwood's devoted mother
waging victorious battle (in the vernac-
ular) for her broken prodigal against
the adamantine opposition of his father.
Here Mr. HOUQHTON was in his element.
Up to this point his task had lain a
little outside his experience.

Mr. BOUUCHIEB as Greenwood played
with a nice artistic restraint, and Mr.
HERBERT BUNSTON as the Prime
Minister ; Mr. THOMAS SIDNEY as
Chief Whip ; Mr. WEGUELIN as Lord
Eccles (Secretary for Wales, and so
loyal that he outraged Cabinet etiquette
by assisting at a by-election) ; and
finally Mr. McNALLY and Miss
BARBARA GOTT as Greenwood's parents,
were all very natural. The younger
women were little more than lay
figures of convention. O. S.

122

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBBUABY 12. 1913.

ADVICE TO NATIVE COMPOSERS.

(Written after hearing

" Prometheus.")
IRREPRESSIBLE aspirant,

Who would batter down the doors
Which the concert-giving tyrant

Shuts against your deathless scores
Lo ! I bring you counsel cheering
Of a plan for engineering
Paths to gain for you a hearing
And encores.

First, that you may better mimic
Those who fill the tramp of fame,

You must change your patronymic
And assume a Russian name.

Then, removed to far Mongolia

Or the purlieus of Podolia,

At a frenzied melancholia
You must aim.

Let your "programme" be exotic

With Theosophy imbued ;
Let the " cosmic " and " erotic "

Intermittently intrude ;

Mix the violets of Parma

With the cult of Krishnavarma ;

And repeatedly to Karma

You '11 allude.

Take a scale, say, mixo-Phrygian

With an oriental twang,
Let your atmosphere be Stygian

But inspired by Sturm und Drang :
Keep the soft celesta strumming,
And the kettledrums a-drumming,
And the cymbals always " coming "
With a clang.

STBAUSS is growing sadly trivial,

Condescending to the part
Diatonic and convivial

Of his namesake and MOZABT.
You must never stoop to rollick
In a mood of fun and frolic ;
No, you must be vitriolic
In your art.

By an ecstasy Islamic

Let your fervid Muse be fanned ;
Be sonorous and " dynamic " ;

Unintelligibly grand ;
Let the fans and the ori go
Be a mystical fuligo
Culminating in vertigo
On the band.

Thus equipped in art and argot

If you follow my advice
You will lift the long embargo

On the native in a trice ;
And your symphony of bogeys,
Cosmic blatherskite and Yogis
Will be played, in spite of fogeys,
One day twice.

"Tho Iccturo included quotations from
Addison's drama, ' Cats. ' "

Western Morning News.

The old, old triangle two toms and a
tabby.

HIGH NOTES.

Miss Kestrel Mavis, the intrepid
lady aeronaut, has kindly favoured us
with a memorandum of her sensations
as a passenger during a marvellous
flight over the Himalayas, written m
that well-known breezy manner of hers
which gives the reader such a sense of
atmosphere.

12.15. Shoot upwards, like sky-
rocket. Earth recedes. Natives scurry
below like mites in a ripe Stilton.

12.35. Three miles up. Everything
blurrish. Pilot's back makes good desk.
He 's started sneezing I Blow 1

12.40. Bit chillsome. Pins and
needles in right foot. Everything still
blurrish. Hipl hip I

12.50. Aeroplane covered with ice.
Both eyes running. Eyelashes frozen
solid. Can't see note-book. Bother I

12.53. Pilot passes cigarette over
shoulder. Thaw eyelashes with lighted
end. Singe them a bit, but can see to
write. Thank goodness !

1.0. Bump a thunderstorm. Foun-
tain-pen nib struck. Eight hand use-
less. Must take notes. Try pencil in
left. Writing shaky but legible.

1.10. Everything block of ice pilot
and petrol included. Hullo! Engine
tops! Plunging down like a stone.
Eipping !

1.12. Mountains leap up to meet us.
Get camera ready. Hope to snap
smash. Hungry but happy.

1.14 Bother, engine working again.
Aeroplane turns six somersaults. Whoa
my beauty !

1.17. Pilot gets whip hand again
Planing down to Thibet. Dull descent
inevitable. Nuisance !

1.20. Propeller breaks off sixty fee
from ground. Skims pilot's head just
misses my nose. Snap it as it bangs
ay. Lucky shot.
1.21. Bit of a dust up to finish with

after all. What oh ! She

1.26. bumpeth ! Ice armour pro

tects pilot and self. Machine smashed
Vacuum flasks intact. Hooray !
1.30. Curry for lunch. Hot stuff !

The Time for Abstinence.

"Having secured the outline on the glass
and being quite dry, we can now proceed t
the colouring." Boy's Own Paper.

A wise precaution. The colouring i
sure to want a steady hand.

"Tho graceful ministers of Yorkshire wi
come under review to-morrow evening . .
when Mr. Charles B. Hpwdill delivers hi
lecture on ' Yorkshire Ministers." "

Aberdeen Evening Express.

We hope for a few pungent remarks o
the Amazing Minister of Leeds.

THE TEUTH OUT AT LAST.

IN the House of Commons last week
dr. MASTEEMAN said, " I cannot accept
ewspaper reports of these cases. The
acts are often opposite to the state-
ments made."

It is generally agreed that this must
e taken as an authoritative confirma-
^on of the ugly rumour which for some
ime has prevailed in sophisticated
ircles. To say that Meet Street is
tricken with consternation hardly
meets the case. Members of the jour-
alistic profession had hitherto felt able
o afford to laugh at the rumour, sinister
sough it undoubtedly was ; but this
efinite statement from a member of
be Government and an ex-journalist
s a different matter. By a colossal
ffort of self-restraint the gentlemen of
be Press go about their duties almost
s if nothing had happened ; close ob-
ervers notice, however, that now and
igain in Fleet Street one Pressman will
[lance suspiciously at another as if to
nquire: "Are you the one who has
irought this blot on our escutcheon '? "
Whether the pronouncement of the
iroprietor of a well-known specific for
he cure of croup, chilblains and cancer
will allay the anxiety in the provinces
emains to be seen. With a reassur-
ng vigour he has declared to an
anxious inquirer that anything in print
may be believed. And his view is
upheld by a resident in a Norfolk
village who still affirms that when a
ihing 's in black-and-white, there it is,
and you can't get over it. But there
.8 bitter disappointment among regular
readers of certain of the Sunday news-
papers. Our heart is much touched by
;he utterance of an old lady in Battersea :
"Why, Annie," she said gloomily to
tier daughter on having Mr. MASTER-
MAN'S pronouncement brought to hei
notice, " all this 'ere about the resur-
rection curit at Monte Carlo mayn't be
true, after all, then ! "

Up to the time of writing the expo-
sure has had no effect, we are informed
on the response to company prospec-
tuses or the popularity of the Secre;
Land Enquiry's reports.

" In the midst of the present confusion
when no one knows what a day may brinj
forth, when surprises are continually spruu:
upon us, when we ask, with baited breath
What next ? it may be as well to spend a few
moments in looking back and looking for
ward." The Vote.

The new Winter game : Breath-baiting
or How to Catch Votes.

THEATRE.

Tho House of Exclusives. Where everybod
goes." Advt. in " Sydney Sun."

This makes a fairly wide appeal.

FEBRUARY 12, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

123

MORE CONCESSIONS.

[' ' Dogs arc to bo allowed on the upper decks
of the Middlesex County Council tramcars on
payment of ordinary passenger fares. Tho
conductors are to havo tho right of veto in
the case of animals whoso appearance or be-
haviour is such as to render them undesirable
passengers." Evening Standard.]

RETUUN tickets at single fares, avail-
able by ordinary trains, are about to be
issued on the Midland Railway to foxes
desirous of attending local meets on
their system during the season.

Monkeys will in future be admitted
to tho Zoo as ordinary visitors at half-
price on condition that they make no
demonstrations or remarks calculated
to give offence or cause annoyance to
their comrades in captivity.

Cats are requested to note that ad-
mission to the Frank Buckland Col-
lection of Fish at the Science Museum,
South Kensington, is free on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays. Visitors are
particularly requested not to touch the
exhibits.

Through the courtesy of H.M. Office
of Works, sea-gulls have been granted
permission to indulge in mixed bathing
in the ornamental waters of St. James's
Park between the hours of 7 and
9 A.M. University costume is not in-
sisted on.

Tho London General Omnibus Com-
pany are making arrangements whereby
old 'bus-horses formerly in their service
may travel by any of the Company's
motor omnibuses at greatly reduced
fares. The conductors have, however,
received instructions to eject any horse
found making derogatory allusions to
the new motive power.

0. U. D. S.

ONE of Mr. Punch's learned clerks
.wishes to state that he derived con-
siderable entertainment from TJie Shoe-
maker's Holiday, as represented by
!the 0. U. D. S. "If here and there in
the earlier scenes," he writes, "there
was some obscurity, which (helped by
,the effect of the curtains, through which
the. performers came and went) produced
an atmosphere curiously like that of a
charade, with the audience hopelessly
groping for the word, the later acts of
roystering made ample amends. Here
and there the old comedy sounded
strangely modem, especially in the
portrayal of the two chief apprentices
as arranging a sympathetic strike
whenever anything went untowardly.
A line in which Frisk (that merry rogue,
excellently played) speaks of ' chopping
up the matter of the Savoy' had an
almost wistful appeal for certain critics
from town who had scamped their lunch
in order to attend the matinee. But
they were well repaid for their fasting.

Ml.'.tress (to maid who is emigrating to Canada). "WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MABT;

THE VOYAGE 'LIi SOON BE OVEB."

Mary. "Bur I'M LOOKEJO POBWABD TO THE VOYAGE, MUM."
Mistress. "THAT'S EIGHT; AND I HOPE YOU WON'T BE SEA-SICK."
Mary. " OH, BUT I I DOM'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING."

Altogether a deserved success seems to
have rewarded the Oxford Society in
breaking away from its traditional policy
of SHAKSPEABE or Greek. Prosit."

The Rugby Advertiser, honourably
anxious to locate in the right quarter
a piece of intelligence which ought, it
appears, to have been associated with
" the wives of the Rector's Warden and
the Parish Warden" (not of Rugby),
makes the following statement : " By
an inadvertent omission the paragraph
read, 'wives of the Rector and the
Parish Warden.' The Rector has never
been married and has, therefore, no
wife." There is still the question of

the " wives of the Rector's Warden
and the Parish Warden " to be cleared
up ; but we are glad that all suspicion
of polygamy on the part of the Rector
has been removed. It is now admitted
that the reverend gentleman, as is the
way with people who have never mar-
ried, has no wife at all.

" It is announced that the Porto has sent
instructions to tho Turkish Commander at
Adrianople, requesting him to set apart, in
accordance with the requests of the Consuls,
a neutral zone two square millimetres in ex-
tent, within which foreigners may take up
their quarters." Birmingham Daily Post.

This should provide ample quarters for
the neutral bacilli of the place.

PUNCH, OK THE LONDOgj CHAEIVARL &*"*< . *

THE SUSPECT.

THE MERRY HIND.

(A Topical Eclogue, with sincere apologies to Mr. JOSN
MASEFIELD for borrowing the metro of "The Daffodil
Fields" in the current number of "TJte English
Ecviciv," and for attempting to imitate his use of the
" patJictic fallacy.")

I WANDEBED on a morning, ere the Spring

Had set a-dance the dancing daffodils,
And heard a Shropshire lad shout loud and sing

Like one whpso soul is cheered by patent pills.

I will accost, I thought, this boor that tills
And ask him why his pulses pound and gallop.
A rook cawed, and a milestone said, " Eight milea to
Salop."

I found him on a gate. " Come hither, yokel,"
Quoth I, " and toll me why thou art not swinkod ;

Eow of the agricultural distress, the local

Famine and misery ? " The young man winked ;
A florin passed between us, and ho chinked

The coin within his pouch, then grew oracular.

1 wish I could do justice to his quaint vernacular.

" Misery ? " he began ; " well, times was bad ;

J t 's gentlemen like you that makes them better ;
Erstwhile we groaned, rebellious and sad,

Under the squire's and parson's baleful fetter ;

To-day there is no drouth but finds a wetter ;
You'll be the fourth this week." " Explain, good fellow,
Said I. A bull in the near field began to bellow.

The

" Last Monday," he resumed, " there come a chap
Collecting folk-songs and old morris dances ;

Asked if I 'd heard on some of them, mayhap ;
I hadn't, but a bloke must take his chances.
I tolled a mort of lies, and off he prances,

Leaving me half-a-crown." He paused. A fat

Thrush in a ; hedgerow trilled. Leaves stirred,
rustic spat.

" Wednesday," he then went on, " a sad-eyed cova
Wanted to hear old tales of far-off sorrows

(That's what he called them), bade me as I drove
My blinking- team afield on cloud-hung morrows
Tell him of murders done and loam that borrows

Its richness from red gore. I stuffed him proper.

Easy as cutting chaff, it was, with Farmer's chopper.

" Three bob he gave me. And last night there come,
Whiles I was looking on at blacksmith's forge,

A gent with ferret's eyes as whispered, ' Mum I
I am a secret agent of LLOYD GEORGE ;
I hunts for evidence of squires that gorge

On ill-got gains while you poor hinds have nix.' ^

A pleasant-spoken party ; he gave three-and-sk."

lie ended, and began to hum a stavo
Of how all men were doing it. Demure

His glance, as at the first, and so I gave
Two further bobs and said, " You are a cure."
Uprose a distant scent of bone manure.

A skylark soared from grasses soft as flannel,

And the great Severn rolled towards the Bristol
Channel. EVOE.

PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHABIVABI FEBRUABY 12, 1913.

\\V^ NV.OK 1 -^ sjf IV'

^^
^xvv/.-^/v-

THE EETUBN OF THE GOLDEN AGE.

(VIDE THE LLOYD-GEOBQICS

FEBRUABY 12, 1913.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

127

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED men THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.P.)

House of Commons, Monday, Feb-
ruary 3. Seemed reasonable to sup-
pose that, Insurance Act being now in
full working order, MASTERMAN might
look for relief from incessant shower
of questions that through preceding
months, with singularly refreshing in-
fluence, fell upon bis head. On the con-
trary to-day no fewer than forty-nine
separate Questions were addressed to
him upon the paper. Taking the unit
as minimum of Supplementary Ques-
tions we have one hundred less two.
Ordeal might be expected to sour the
temper of an ordinary Financial Secre-
tary to the Treasury, the more so since
not one in a score is designed to elicit
useful information. The rest are pin-
pricks more or less skilfully fashioned
with object of embarrassing operation
of the Act.

MASTEBMAN a tough customer to
approach with such intent. Whether
he reads from manuscript answer pre-
pared in office or whether he makes
quick reply to supplementary enquiry
he is invariably top dog in the tussle.
What he doesn't know about the in-
tricacies of this elaborate Act isn't
worth LLOYD GEORGE'S picking up.

THE VEBY LATEST IN PANEL DOCTOBS.
(TCLLIBABDINE, M.D.)

Imperturbable, impregnable, master of
every turn in the tortuous ways, brief
but sufficient in reply, he is not one
out of whom much change is to be got.

This normal state of things makes
more striking TULLIBARDINE'S success.
Eagle eye of noble Marquis ranging over
Hebridean seas has discovered a lone
island whose inhabitants are bravely
wrestling with mysteries of Insurance
Act. Something charming in simplicity
of question which brought the matter to
light of Southron day. " To ask the
SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY if he could
state the total population of the island
of Canna, and who is the panel doctor."

MASTERMAN Beady as usual with
information on matter of fact. Popu-
lation of Canna all told is twenty-nine.
As for arrangements for panel doctor
case obviously difficult. Even upon more
liberal terms of remuneration wrung
by doctors out of reluctant CHANCELLOR
OP EXCHEQUER an able-bodied practi-
tioner could hardly be expected to live
on the aggregated fees of a population
of twenty-nine.

True. But there remains fact of this
appalling shortcoming of a statute
framed for application to the odd mil-

lions on the adjacent islands of Great
Britain and Ireland.

TULLIBARDINE not the man to rest
content with barren victory albeit
achieved over redoubtable adversary.
"If the Treasury Canna do it," he
whispered in the sympathetic ear of

WlNTERTON, " I will."

Obvious joke ; its poverty more than
redeemed by generous purpose it covers.
SARK tells me TULLIBABDJNE has re-
solved to take upon himself duty evaded
by callous Minister. A small thing for
him to qualify as doctor authorised to
charge 8s. Qd. a case, including medicine.
Regardless of the weather he is already
off to Canna, carrying with him stock
of medicines and surgical instruments,
together with a red lamp to hang over
the front door of his bothie.

Interesting case ; will be closely
watched by old associates on both sides
of Tweed who would never think of
personally volunteering for such a duty.

Business done. Report stage of
Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
entered upon.

Tuesday. House, worn out with work
of a Session already twelve months
long, is steeped in lees of apathetic

128

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[FEBRUARY 12, 1913.

indifference. To-day reached what in i scanty gathering of Ministerialists
ordinary circumstances would be climax rising to continue debate, SPEAKER put
of tempestuous controversy. Before: the Question.- When in response to
Sitting closes Keport stage of Welsh ' clangour of Division hell the opposing
Church Bill will be submitted for de- hosts flocked in, it was discerned how
If carried on a division there | dangerous for Government was sud-

Tliere seemed
of the Oppo-

cision.

will remain only Third Eeading and denly created situation.

such limited delay as the Lords can to. be no end to trail
provide.

Nevertheless, attendance scanty, de- ' anxiety on Treasury Bench. When

: sition. Result awaited with growing

bate desultory, yawning general. Only j paper was handed to Government Whip
gleam of light on dreary atmosphere j in token that majority was on his
shines from prize carnation in MARK side sigh of relief went up. Drowned

LOCKWOOD'S buttonhole. As the gallant
Colonel, strolling in from the kitchen
over whose important business he suc-
culently presides, walked up floor of
House, -seated himself on Treasury
Bench, hitched his hat back at perilous

angle and settled himself for little
snooze, Members on either side
were stirred by sudden move-
ment towards briskness. Effect
temporary. As PREMIER re-
marked to his constituents the
other day, a political party
cannot live by hysterics alone.
Similarly, a sap-dried House of
Commons cannot buck . up at
sight (in another man's coat) of
a single carnation however large
and fine.

Condition of things templing
to alert Opposition Whip ever
on the look out for opportunity
of arranging pleasant surprises.
First point in debate on Keport
stage raised important question
of ultimate possession of glebe
lands. According to the Bill
these are to go for secular pur-
poses with, the rest of what
Captain TBYON calls " the plun-
der." Amendment moved re-
taining them for the Church.

A big question stirring the depths
on either side of controversy. Good for
at least a couple of hours' debate. In
view of that alluring prospect House
further emptied. Doleful doings under
eye of SPEAKER. Outside, more par-
ticularly in little room in corner of
Lobby conveniently adjoining the bar
where Opposition Whips foregather,
excitement suddenly burst forth.

Heads carefully counted. Good
Ministerialists, reckoning on prolonga-
tion of debate, tamed on the way to
Westminster. By one of those chances
that occasionally cheer the chronically
disappointed, there was marked excep-
tion as regards muster of Opposition
within call. Better remain out of sight

I the well-calculated moment
reached.

It came at ten minutes to five, just
half-an-hour later than BANBURY'S

in burst of cheering from Opposition,
renewed again and again when, the
figures read out, it was made known
that Ministry were saved by narrow
majority of 28.

Opposition mustered 220 against 248
voting with the Government, and of

was

famous snap division,
orators suddenly dried up.

Opposition
No one in

The " only gleam of light."
(Col. MAUK LOCKWOOD.)

these three-score were Irish National-
ists.

Two hours later, when guillotine set
to work on'-' mass of amendments,
Government majority ran up to 116.
Opposition roll had dwindled to 181.
Later it ran down to 164. They had
skilfully played their game, nearly won
it, and deserved some relaxation.

Business done. Eeport stage of
Bill carried.

Wednesday. Amid renewed protest
from Opposition Third Reading of
Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
passed without a division. Strength
of parties tested on ALFRED LYTTEL-
TON'S motion for rejection of Bill-
negatived by 347 against 240. Whereat
Welsh Members leapt to their feet,
waving pocket-handkerchiefs and copies
of Orders of the Day.

"Not out of the wood yet," mur-
mured COUSIN HUGH, regarding specta-
cle opposite with acrid smile. " Thank
Heaven for the House of Lords, which

will guard the Church for at least two
years. No one knows what may not
happen in the interval."

Peculiarity of last stage that assist-
ance of guillotine, familiar through
Committee as presence of the Mace,
was not invoked. Nevertheless, suc-
cessive speakers from Opposition
Benches denounced and deplored its
domination. JOHN DILLON, in most
effective speech delivered by him
recent times, comforted them by re-
flection that their sad case was
curiously similar to that of the in-
ventor of the Parisian model. Dr.
GUILLOTINE had his head lopped otf into
one of the baskets of his own devising.
It was OLD MORTALITY who, Loader
of overwhelming Unionist majority in
1887, adapted the guillotine for use
in Parliamentary affairs. Now
it has been instrumental in
carrying two measures extreme-
ly distasteful to good Unionists.
" Vou's I'avez voulu, vous I'avez
voulu, George Dandin."

Business done. Welsh
Church Bill passed final stage
and sent on to Lords.

6s. 6d.

WE were talking about the
really difficult things of life.

" The most "difficult" thing I
know," said the plaintive man,
" is to pay a bill for 6s. 6d.," and
at once was started a discussion
on money which revealed a num-
ber of curious peculiarities and
unexpected grudgings.

"For 6s. 6d.," the plaintive
man continued, " is too small a
sum for a cheque and that means
facing all the appalling difficulties of
the post-office. You know, I suppose,
what post-offices are? The assistants
on whose faces is written the know-
ledge that no amount of zeal over their
sales can ever make any difference to
them, as it no doubt does in such firms as
thlit which writes all the best articles in
the evening papers ; the unreadiness of
any one to serve you ; your own inde-
cision as to where you ought to stand
to be served ; your reluctance to in-
terrupt the assistant's mathematical
studies ; the over-crowding ; the under
ventilation; and more than all this,"
he went on, "the horrid fact that a
postal order has to be paid for no
one can yet open an account at a post-
office and 6s. Gd., while too small a
sum for a cheque, is too large to be paid
in cash ; or rather it belongs to one of
the groups of coins which I cannot
bring myself to part with under a stiff
wrench. No doubt every one has such
;roups. I know only too well what

FEBRUARY 12, 1913.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.

129

mine are. I am not generous or a
spendthrift, but sums up to 3s. Gd. 1
can dispense without any noticeable
twinges. Sums between a penny and
3s. Gd. are, when I have them, at the
disposal of my friends, and I can even
produce 3s. Gd. twice within a short
period and not blench. Any of you
men heio who came to me at any time
and said, ' Lend me 3s. Gd.,' would at
once get it, although I hope you won't.
But 1 look very long at 5s. or 7s. They
are sums I liko to retain. I feol that
I am the host caretaker for them. The
odd thing is that my pocket can be
depleted of small sums making up 7s.
two or three times over; but I can't
pay out 7s. in tho lump. Yet half-
sovereigns, although I am never reckless
with them, I can transfer from my own
hand to another's without grief. Imme-
diately after the half-sovereign, how-
ever, I stop again. The idea of paying
out lls. Gd., say, or 12s. or 13s. Gd. or
14s. Gd. is intensely repugnant to me.
I mean all at once ; I can do it piece-
meal only too easily; but not at a
blow. The thought of lls. Gd. going
bang is unendurable. But after 15s. 1
weaken again, but only if I pay in gold.
For by that time one realises that the
game is up ; the sovereign is smashed
and any change you get from it is all
sheer profit. Hence I can pay 17s. Gd.
for a thing with composure, because I
am making half-a-crown out of the
deal. But ask mo to add together
small coins to the amount of 17s. Gd.
and see mo refuse ! Not to be done.

"But the sovereign is the limit. After
that I am incapable of paying in specie.
It is then that the cheque-book begins
its useful life. I can write a cheque
without turning a hair for any amount
between